Absolute and abitofhell : or, Noah's ark put in commission and set adrift ... on a new voyage of discovery : being a satire in the manner of Mr. John Dryden on a newly-issued work entitl'd Foundations

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ABSOLUTE AND
ABITOFHELL;

Or Noah's Ark put in Commijfton^ and

fet adrift (with no Walls or Roof to

catch the Force ofthefe danger otcs Seas)

on a new Voyage of difcovery ;

Being a Satire in the Manner of Mr.
John Dryden on a newly-iflued Work

entitl'd Foundations,

i^. /v. JS..

Firft publifh'd in the Oxford Magazine in
the Month of 0(5V>ber, Mcmxiii, and now
printed anew for the Society of SS. Peter
AND Paul, and Sold by them at 32 George
Street^ Handler Square^ London^ W.
MCMXV

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Oxford Magazine.
jttle book."— /'/V^.

F RHEIMS. By

Esquire. Reprinted

egends," with new

ustrations by Martin

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ack of cover.

^^.,lON'7iTL ROUND or, JaeFs
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Kindnefs beaten up into Butter and ferv'd in a
lordly Dilh ; Being a Plea for the Inclufion
within the Church of England of all Ala-
hometanSy Jews, Buddhi/ls, Brahmins, Papijis,
and Athcijls, fubmitted to the Confideration
of the Britifh Publick. By their humble
Servant the Authour of Abfolute and Ahitof-
hell. Demy 8vo, 6d.

" Some of us will become saner in our views . . .
after a perusal of this witty and clever pamphlet."

Irish Times.

"The turn of Swift's sentences is admirably
caught." — Spectator.

FuLHAM Books: 4

ABSOLUTE AU
ABITOFHELL;

Or Noah^s Ark put in CommiJJion^ and
Jet adrift (with no Walls or Roof to
catch the Force of thefe da?igerous Seas)
07t a new Voyage of difcovery ;

Being a Satire in the Manner of Mr.

John Dryden on a newly-iffued Work

entitled Foundations,

By R. A. K.

Firft publifh'd in the Oxford Magazine in
the Month of Odlober, Mcmxiii, and now
printed anew for the Society of SS. Peter
AND Paul, and Sold by them at 32 George
Street, Hanolper Square, London, IV.
MCMXV

Abfolute and Abitofhell

Being a Satire in the Manner of Mr. John Drydcn upon a
newly-iffu'd Work entitl'd Foundations.

IN former Times, when Ifrael's ancient Creed
Took Root fo widely that it ran to Seed ;
When Saints were more accounted of than Soap,
And Men in happy Blindnefs ferv'd the Pope;
Uxorious Jeroboam, waxen bold,
Tore the Ten Tribes from David's falt'ring Hold,
And, fpurning Threats from Salem's Vatican,
Set gaiter'd Calves in Bethel and in Dan.
So, Freedom reign'd ; fo, Priefts, difmay'd by

naught.
Thought what they pleaf'd, and mention'd what

they thought.
Three hundred Years, and ftill the Land was free'd,
And Bifhops ftill, and Judges difagree'd.
Till men began for fome Account to call.
What we believ'd, or why believ'd at all ?
The thing was canvafT'd, and it feem'd paft doubt
Much we adher'd to we could do without;
Firft, Adam fell ; then Noah's Ark was drown'd.
And Samson under clofe infpedlion bound ;
For Daniel's Blood the Critick Lions roar'd,
And trembling Hands threw Jonah overboard.

Lux Mundi came, and here we found indeed
A Maximum and Minimum of Creed:
But ftill the Criticks, bent on Matthew's Fall,
And fetting Peter by the Ears with Paul,
Brought unaccuftom'd Do6lrines overfea
Suggesting rather, Caeli Tenebrae.
So, while our Ark let in, through Seams ill-join'd
And gaping Timbers, Bilge of evVy Kind,
Ran to and fro, and like a Drunkard fhook.
Seven of the Younger Men compof'd a Book.

Seven Men, in Views and Learning near ally'd,
Whom Forms alone and Dogmas did divide,
Their Differences funk, in Conclave met,
And each his Seal (with Refervations) fet :
Each in his Turn fubfcrib'd the fateful Scroll,
And ftamp'd \\\s Nihil Conjlat on the whole, [ing.

Sing, Heavenly Muse, from high Olympus bow-
Their Names, their Training, and their Welt-

anfchauung.
Say, why did Magdala,' renown'd in Ships,
Withhold the Tribute o^ his dauntlefs Lips,
Who, fetting out the Gofpel Truths t' explain,
Thought all that was not German, not germane ;
Whofe queafy Stomach, while it tried in vain
Recorded Miracles to entertain,
Efchewing Luke, John, Matthew, and the reft.
Read Mark, but could not inwardly digeft ?

' The Reverend Mr. J. M. Thompfon, Dean of Divinity at
the College of St. Mary Magdalene in Oxford.

3

Why did Neapolis,- aloof like Asher,
Withhold — the Name is in the Book of Jaiher —
Where, 'mid the Thunders of a boisterous Quad,
He ponders on the Raifon d'Etre of God ?
Not fuch the Arms, not fuch the vain Defence,
That rallied to thy Standard, Common Senfe.

Firft, from the Public Schools — Lemaean Bog —
No paltry Bulwark, ftood the Form of Oc'
A man fo broad, to fome he feem'd to be
Not one, but all Mankind in Effigy :
Who, brifk in Term, a Whirlwind in the I-ong,
Did everything by turns, and nothing wrong,
Bill'd at each Ledlure-hall from Thames to Tyne
As Thinker, Ufher, Statefman, or Divine.
Born in the Purple, fwift he chofe the Light,
And Lambeth mark'd him for a Nazirite :
Difcerning Balliol fnatched him in his teens,
And mourn'd him, early forfeited to Queen s.
His name fuffic'd to leave th' infidious tome
A houfehold word in every Englifh Home :
No academick Treatife, high and dry,
CanvafT'd in Walks round Mefopotamy,
Or where in Common Room, when days are fhort,
Soullefs Profeflbrs gulp difgufted Port.

= The Reverend Dr. Haftings Rafhdall, ST.D., Fellow of
the College of St. Mary of Winton, in Oxford.

3 The Reverend Mr. William Temple, fometime Head
Mafter of Repton School ; fince Incumbent of the Church of
St. James, Piccadilly, in Wcftminfter.

4

" Not from the few, the learned, and the pale "
— So ran his meiTage — " we expedl our Sale ;
Man in the Street, our Publication con —
What matter, if the Street be Afhkelon ? "

In Weight not lefs,but more advanc'd in Height,
Gigantic Eliphaz-^ next hove in Sight:
Who 'mid the Prophets' Sons his Trade did ply
In teaching Wells to blefs and magnify.
The Pomegranate upon his Helm difplay'd
His prebendarial Dignity betray'd :
Magdalen to Univ. gave him, and from there
He rapidly achiev'd a wider fphere ;
Gray Hairs alone he wanted, but for that
Ripe for the Apron and the fhovel Hat.
Thofe other Six, in punier arms array'd
Crouch'd in his Shadow, and were not afraid.

Yet fomething marr'd that order'd Symmetry :
Say, what did Strato^ in their company?
Who, like a Leaven, gave his Tone to all,
'Mid prophet Bands an unfufpedled Saul.
For he, difcerning with nice arguings
'Twixt non-effential and effential Things,
Himfelf believing, could no reafon fee
Why any other fhould believe, but he.

-•The Rev. R. G. Panons, S.T.B., fometime Fellow of Uni-
verfity College in Oxford ; fince Redlor of Wells Seminary, in
the County of Somerfet.

^ The Reverend Mr. B. H. Streeter, Fellow of Queen's
College in Oxford, and Canon of Hereford.

5

(Himfelf believing, as believing went
in that wild Heyday of th'Eftablifhment,
When, on his Throne at Lambeth, Solomon
Uneafy murmur'd, " Something muft be done,"
When fuave Politenefs, tempVing bigot Zeal,
Corredied, " I believe," to " One does feel.")
He wifh'd the Bilge away, yet did not feek
To man the Pumps, or plug the treach'rous Leak :
Would let into our Ark the verieft Crow,
That had the meaflieft Olive-branch to fhow.
Who has not known how pleafant 'tis to figh,
" Others, thank God, are lefs corred: than I "?
From such Conclufion (fo men faid) averfe,
A Balaam, blefling what he dared not curfe,
A Scaeva, raifmg Powers he could not quell.
Dragging their Coat-tails, followed Abdiel/'
In Height magnificent, in Depth profound,
BlefTd with more Senfe than fome, than all more

sound.
Gifted as if with Tongues, were there but wit
Among his Audience to interpret it :
Still, like a clumfy Falconer, he'd untie
Tradition's Hood from Realon's piercing Eye,
And then complain, becaufe fhe foar'd too high.
So labour'd he, in Devorguilla's Pile,
Jowett's and Manning's views to reconcile :
Beneath his Rule (1 quote from Dryden's Rhyme)

*The Reverend Mr. N. E.Talbot, Fellow of Ralliol College
in Oxford.

"The Sons of Belial had a glorious Time,"
And, when he fhook his Fift and talk'd of Eve,
Like Devils trembled, but did not believe.

With sunnier Faith, with more unclouded Brow,
Brilliant Arcturus" did the Fates endow :
Who cried, as joyfully he bound his Sheaves,
" What I believe is what the Church believes " :
Yet some might find it matter for Refearch,
Whether the Church taught him, or he the Church.
Corpus had trained him Reafon's Truth to doubt.
And Keble added Faith, to do without.
What matter, whether two and two be four.
So long as none account them to be more ?
What difference, whether black be black or white,
If no officious Hand turn on the Light?
Whether our Fa6l be Fad:, no Man can know.
But, Heav'n preferve us, we will treat it fo.

Yet, lefl fome envious Critick might complain
The Bible had been jettifoned as vain.
Pellucid Jabbok'^ fhow'd us, how much more
The Bible meant to us than e'er before.
Twelve Prophets our unlearn'd forefathers knew.
We are fcarce fatiffy'd with twenty-two :
A fingle P/almiJl was enough for them,
Our Lift of Authors rivals A. & M. :

7 The Reverend Mr. A. E. J. Rawlinfon, Student of Chrift
Church in Oxford.

*The Reverend Mr. Richard Brook, Fellow of Merton
College in Oxford.

7

Theywere content Mark, Matthew, Luke & John
Should blefs th'old-faOiion'd Beds they lay upon :
But we, for ev'ry one of theirs, have two.
And truft the Watchfulnefs of blefied Q.

The laft, Epigonus,'^ but not the leaft,
Levite by Birth, yet not by Calling Prieft,
Woo'd coy Philofophy, relu6lant Maid,
To bring her troubl'd Sifter timely aid.
His Views on Punifhment what need to tell ?
Poor, prodlor'd Vid:ims lately knew them well
His pregnant Logick fill'd their only Want,
Temp'ring Ezekiel with a Dafh of Kant.

Hail, dauntlefs Mariners, that far outftrip
Previous Attempts to undergird the Ship !
To you this Rhyme, now falt'ring to its End,
Is dedicated by an humble Friend,
Praying that Providence this Wind may ufe
To puff your Sales, and to confound your Views.

R. A. K.

4
I

'W. Moberley, Efquire, Fellow of Lincoln College in Oxford.
8

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4
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THE GLASTONBURY HOtJiv^., 1

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2. A Breton Pilgrimage. Duke of Argyll

3. The Everlasting Quest. Margaret Yeo.