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JF A R C E S. 

roLUMs lounrs. 

»*— » •**•—>■ 

» " 










£ The Twins, or» Which is Which ? fy Mr. Wo^dt^ i 
I. TheDeferter, byC.Dibdm^ - M 

KI. The Commiflaryy by. SammelFooU^ E/q. * 49 
W. Edgar and Emmeline, by Dr. Hawkejwortb^ 97 
T. The Rival' Candida tesy by Dr. Bate^ - 130 

VI. Three weeks after Marriage, or. What we 

muft all come to, iy j^ibur Mjurphy^ Efy* 155 

VII. Bon Ton, or, Mgh Life abeve Stairs, ty 

David Garricky Efy. • - x86 

TIIL Comus^ altered from Milton^ by Mr. CoJemaHf Ji6- 
IX. The Orators, by Samuel Foete^ E/q. - 23 1 

X All the World^sa Stage, by Mr. Jackman, 253. 

XI. The Contrivances, by Mr. Harry Carey ^ • 28a 

XII. Flora, or, Hob in the Well, by Mr. Cally 

Cibber^ ..... gox 

XIII* The Spirit of Contradidien, by a Gen* 

' tieman of Cambridge^ * - 929 

XIV. The Patron, ly SamueiFoote^Efq. - 358 

XV. Bucks have at ye all« by David Gar^ 

ricky Efq ^ and fpoken by. Mr. Wabd at the 
Theatre-Royal, Edinburgh, '7^3» * 391- 

•»■ - ■ I 



O X, 

WHicnis Which? 


Altered from Shakespeare^ Comedy of Eeeoxi. 

Br Mr. WOODS. 


^HAKESPEAiiE"s^Co«r<r^ of Errors has never obtained a rank M the 
ftage equal -witk the othei comedies of that excellent author. With* 
ODt jenum crating the various caufcs that might be affigned of its in- 
^ifferdftt reception, the editor contents himfclf with mentioning only 
«De, as it explains the motive from which he undertook both the 
lonncr and the prefent alteration : The frequent repetition of fimi- 
br blunders, which are occafioned by the Hkenefs between the An^ 
apbolijcs and Dromios, and are coniinued thr ugh five long ads, pro- 
duces a» intricacy that perplexes, and a famenefs that tires an audi- 
ence. With a view to remedy thefe defedls, the editor, a few years 
ago, reduced the comedy to three a(fts, and it was performed as an 
a&er-piecc, with much approbation ; but as his veneration for the 
author made him retain too many of the fcenes, there (liU exifted 
ia the comedy, when altered, too much of the confufion aud unifor- 
mity of the original. He has therefore ventured to make further 
aUcraiions ; and flatters himfelf the piece, as it now {lands, will be 
con/idered not an. unacceptable addition to the lift of Theatrical £n- 

VOI,. IV. A t>8^A. 

Dramatis P^rso 

Duie of Mphefusy 


Antipholus of E,phefus^ ^ 

Antipholus of Syracufiy 
' Dromio of Epbefux^ 

Drcmio of Syracujiy 
* Aftgelo, 


Firji Merchant^ 

Second \Mercbanfj 

Do^or Fincb^ 



Bofcfs, . • 

Scene, Fpheftu, 


Edinburgh y I'jXo, 
Mr. HalJioiu 
Mr. Smith. 
Mr. Woods. 
Mr. Cautherley. 
Mr. Bailey. 
Mr. Chdmer*. 
Mr. Lane. 
Mr. Taylor. 
M: . Lyon. 
Mr. Wood. 
Mr. Charter is. 
Mr. Colby. 
Mr.<» Montague* 
Mrs. S:nith. 
Mifs Mills.-; 
Mrs. Bailey. 


Scene, The Street, 

tlnter Antipholis (p/'^Syracufe, Firfl Merchant^ 

and Dromio. 
Fir/i Merchant. 

Therefore give out you are of Epidamnum— 
For by a \zvi in force, it is enabled. 
If any ftranger born in Syracufa^ 
Come to our port of Ephcfus, he dies j 
Unlefe, indeed, he be poffefs'd of wealth 
Sufficient to defray a heavy forfeiture. 
There is your money that I had to keep. 

^nt of S. Go bear it to the Centaur where we hoft. 
And flay there, Dromio, till I come to thee : 
Get thee away« 

Dro, of S, Many a man would take you at yqur word. 
And go indeed, having fo good a means. [Exit Drom* 

u^jjt, of S, A trufly villain. Sir, that very oft 
Lightens my humoUr with his merry jefts. 

1 Mer. If 't pleafe yoUj Sir, I^ now will claim your 

To truft me T^ith jfehat partof your adventures 
Which yet I have rot heard. 

^n£. of S. ■>■ / In Syracufa, 
As I have told you, was my father born j 

' An€ 


And, by the prolp'rous voyages he made 
To Epidamnum, grew a wealthy merchaDt. 
To (hare his happinefs, he took a wife 
Who on a vifit to my father's friends 
In Epidamnum, with him crofsM the fca; 
And there foon gave him, at a fingle birth, 
Two fons t hat fo rcfembled each the other. 
They could not be diftingui(hM— ^— Stran<;er ftill, 
In the fame houfe, and at the iclf fame hour, 
A poor mean woman was delivered 

Of fuch another burden two male twins, 

That like my father's boys, (myfelf and Lrothcr) 
Puzzled their parents to tell which was which. 

I Mer, 'Tw as llranjije, indeed ! 

Anjt. ofS, Thefe did my father purchafe of the woman, 
Defiguing them attendants on his fons j 
But foon returning home to Syracufa, 
A tempeft rofe, thut dafh'd our bark in pieces. 
Mv mother, brother, and his little flave. 
On a fmall raft the failors had prepar'd, 
Were driven by the waves. 
Upon another plank, my baplefs father, 
Myfelf, and th' other infant twin were bound; 
And being next day feen by friendly voyagers. 
They fav'd, and brought us in to Syracufa. 
At eighteen years 1 undertook to fcarch 
After my mother's and roy brother's fate. 
Five fummers have I rang'd in diftant climes, 
And, coafting homeward, came to Ephefus, 
In hopes to find them But in v£n I feek, 
And feeking them, unhappy, lofe^myfelf. 

1 Mer. I take an intereft. Sir, in your misfortune* j 
1 am now engag'd to certain friends on bufmefs j 
But foon again, at five o'clock, fo pleafe you, 
I'll meet \^ith you upon the mart. 

Ant. ofS. Till then, farewell. [i Mer. Exit. 

£/r/^r Dromio of Ephefus. 
What now ^liow chance thou art return 'd (o foon ? 

Dro. ofE. Return'd fo foon ! rather approach'd fo late. 
The capon bums, the pig falls from the fpit. 
The clock has ftrucken one by the town-clock 
My miftrefs made it two upon my check, 

A a Antr 


Ant of S. Stop In your wind, Sir j tell me this, I pray, 
iWhere have you left the money that I gave you ? 

Dro, ofE. Oh — fixpence, that I had o' Wcdnefday laft, 
To pay the fadler for my miflrefs' crupper 
The fadler had it, Sir ; I kept it not. .^ 

Ant^ of S, 1 am not in a.fportivc humour now : 
Tell me, and dally not^ where is the money ? 

Dro, of E, I pray you jeft, Sir, as you fit at dinner •: 
I from my millrefs come to you in poft j 
Methinks, your maw, like mine, Chould be your clock^ 
And ilrike you home without a meflcnger. 

Ani. of S, Come, Dromio, come, thefe jells arc out of 
' - feafon ; 

Referve them to a merrier hour than this, 
And tell me, how thou haft difposM thy charge, 

Dro, ofE, My charge was but to fetch you from the mait 
Home to your houfe, the Phoenix, Sir, to dinner ,• 
My miftrefs and her fifter ft^iy.for you. 

Ant. ofS. Now, as I am a Chriftian, anfwer me, 
In what fafe place you have difpos'd my money j 
Or I (hall break that merry fconce of yours. 
Where are the thoufand marks thou had ft of me ? 

Dro, of E» 1 have fome marks of yours upon my pate^ 
Some of my miftrefs' marks upon my flioulders, 
But not a thoufand marks between you both. 
If I ihould pay your worftiip thofe again. 
Perchance you will not bear them patiently. 
. Ant, ofS, What, wilt thou flout me thus unto my face, 
Being forbid ? — there take you that, Sir knave ! 

Dfu), ofE, What mean you, Sir ? — for Heav'n's fak«^ 

hold your hand. 
Ant. rfS. Provoking (lave! [Walks up thefiage» 

Dro, ofE.l have ferv'd him from the hour of my na- 
tivity to this inftant, and have nothing at his hands for 
my fervice but blows. When I am cold, he heats mc 
with beating •, when I am warm, he cools me with beat- 
ing : I am wak'd with it, when I fleep j rais'd with it, 
when 1 fit ; driven out of doors with it, when I go from 
home *y welcom'd home with it, when I return j nay, I 
bear it on my ftioulde:s, as a beggar wont her brat j and, 
I think, when He hath lamM me^ I ftiall beg with it from 
4oor to door, [Exi/, 



^/r/. qfS, Upon my life, by (bmc device or other, 
The villain is o'er-raught of all my money ^ 
They fay, this town is full of cozenage : 
I'll to the Centaur, t^ find out the trut h * » 
I greatly fear my money is not fafe 1 
O; here he comes again. 

Enter Dromio of Syracnfe. 
How now. Sir, is your merry humour alterM ? 
As you love flrokes, fo aofwer me again. 
Dro, of S, What anfwer, Sir ? 

Ant, qfS, £v^n that thou gav'fl me not a minute (ince^« 
Dro, qfS.l did notjee you iince you fent me hence 
Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me. 

y^/r/. qfS. Villain, thou didd deny the gold's receipt-^- 
And told'fl me of a miflrefs, and a dinner 
For which I hope you felt I was difpleas'd 

Dro» of S, Vxa glad to fee you in Xhii merry vein ; 

VHiat meaas this jeft ? 

jfat, ofS. Is it a jell ? '1^11 crack another, then. 

[^Beats him, 
Dro, of S. Bold, Sir, l&t Heaven^s fake 1..*qow your 

jeft is earneft. 
Upon what bargain do you give it me ? 

Ant, ofS. If you will jeft with me, know my aijped^, 
And faOiion your demeanor to my looks 
Or, I will beat this method in ypur iconce. 
' Dro, qfS, Sconce, call you it ? — So you wouM leave 
beating, i had rather have ijL a head— An you ufe thefc 
blows long, I muft get a fconce for my head, and ih<* 
fconce it too — or elfe I (hall feek my wit in my ihoul- 
ders. But I pray, Sir, why am I beaten ? 
Ant, qfS. Doft thou not know ? 
Dro. of S, Nothing, Sir, but that I am beaten. 
Ant. ofS, Shall I tell you why? 
Dro. of S. Ay, Sir, and wherefore )— for, they fay, 
every why hath a wherefore. 
Ant. of S. Why, firft, for flouting me j and then, 

For urging it the fecond time to me. 
Dro. of S, Was there ever any man thus beaten oat of 

feafon ? 
Well, Sir, I thank you. 

'A 3 Ant. 

4 THE TWiNS f OR, ^Si J^ 

^nu of S. Thank me, Sir! For wbat ? 

Dra. of S. Marry, Sir, for thi^ fomething that yotx 
gave me for nothing. 

j^nt, of S» Well, Sir, learn to jeft in go<>d time* 
There's a time for all t^hings. 

Dro, of S, 1 duril have denyM that before you were 
fo choleric. 

^nt, of S, But foft, who wafts us yonder ? 
Enter Adriana ami Luciana. 

j^^r. Ay, ay, Antipholis-, look fl range, and frown-^ 
Some other mlilrefs hath thy fweet afpe6ls ^ 
I've loft thy heart I am a flighted thing* 
I am now not Adriana, nor thy wife I 
• ^nf. of S» What means all this ?- 
Wife ! faid flie, Dromio ? 

Dro, of S^ Yes, Sir / and I fuppofe the other's mi/g^u. 

Luc. Fie, brother, how the world is chang'd with you ! 
When were you wont to ufe my fiftcr thus ? 
She fen t for you by Dromio home to dinner. 

Dro, of S, By me ! 

y^i/r. By thec-^and didft thou not return, 
That he did bufifet thee, and in his blows. 
D^ny'd me for his wife ? 

AnUofS. Did you con verfe^ Sir, with this geotkwd^n ? 

Dro, of S, 1, Sir I m,n I never faw her till this tim*, 

Ant. ofS. Villain, thou lieft ^ for juH fuch words as 
her's did ft thou deliver me on this very fpot. 

Dro, pfS* Sir, I never fpokc with her in all my life, 

^m, of. S, How caaftie then thus call us by our liamcs. 
Unlets it be by infpiration*?— — ^ 

Dro. if S, Yes, 'tis by conjuration. . ., " 

Adr. How ill agrees it with your charadCr, 
To counterfeit thus grofsly with your flave, 
Abetting him ;to thwart me in my moddu^ .. 
Fie, huft)and, Bt\ . '. 

Ant. ofS. Whatv error drives our eyes and e^s amift^ 
What, TV as I marry'd to her in my flcep ?' . v ^ 

A^r. Come, come, no longer will Xj be.a foolj ; , . 
Nor fliall you leave me thus, Antipholls y ■ < ^^"; 

I fee you want to put a tjick upon me. ^ ^'. - 

Come, Sir; to dinner j Dromio, keep the gate,?—*-. 
Hulband, I'll keep you to myfelf to-day, - * 

^eaning fondly upon bwik) 



iiiA punifii you for feemiag not to know me. 
he, Dromio, go bid the fcrvants fpread for dinner. 
Bro, ofS, Yes, Madam, when 1 Laow where 'ti« you 

Adr, Sirrah, If aoy afk you for year mafler, 
Say lie dines forth, and let no creature enter ) 

Come, fiftcr Dromio, play th^^orter well. 

Dro. of S, I'm to be porter, xnaRer, at the gate I 
Adr, Come, come, my love 
Luc. Brother^ we dine too late. 

lExit Antipliolis betiveen Adriana and Luc tana. 
Dro, ofS, {looking after tbemJ) ' This i» the fairy land. 
O fpite of fpitcs, 
Wc forely are to dine with elves and fprights. 
Well, if they give me not enchanted food, 
rilproFe my courage and my ilomach good. \JElxii^ 

Sc&N&,Bf S^^v/iue^f lib^H(92;/^Antipholise/'£phefut9 

l^nter Antipholis of £lphefi», Dromio of Ephcfus, An- 

gelo, nnd Balthazar. 
. Am, of £• Good Sigirar Angelo, yon muft excufe us. 
My wife is fhrewKh when I keep not hours. 
Say that I lingered with you at your (hop, 
To fee the making <rf the toy I ^ke for. 
But here's a druaken (lave wou'd face me dowa 
He net me on the mart, &nd that I beat him, 
And charg'd him with a thousand marks in gold. 
Dro, of £. Indeed you did. Sir j 
If my fkin vvere parchment, and the blows you gave 
BM were ink, your own hand*writing wou'd bear witnefs 
Ant, ofE. Sirrah, you are an afs. 
Dro, of K, Yes, 'tis plain I am a beaft of burden. 

\Feeiing his JhouUers. 
Ant, ofE. Gentlemen, come on 5 1 wifti our cheer within 
May anfwer my good will, and your good welcome. 
Dromio, go on, and bid them let us in. . 
Dro, of E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian I 
Dro, of S, {within,) Drone, malt-horfe, capon, cox- 
comb, idiot ! 
oI\ thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'ft for 
<Jh ft o re— when one is one too many ?■■ * 

A 4 Thou 

* . ' THE TWINS 5 OR,. ^^f^ / 

Thou mmak'ft the houfe ; go, get thee from our gat^. 

Dro,of E, What fool is made our porter !~-mV 
marter flays in the ftreet ! -^ 

_ P^'^^ ^fS' Let him walk from whence he came, then 
left he catch cold in his feet. . . ' ' 

^nt. of E. Who talks within there P—Ho, open the 

Dro, of S. When, Sir, 9an you tell > 

Ant, ofE. What can this mean ? 

What art thou that keep'ft me out of my houfe > 
- Dro, ofS. The porter for this time, Sir, and my namcr 

IS Dromio. 
An.\ of E: Dromio I 
Dro. of S. Even he, Sir. 
jDr(?. (?/ i:.0 villain ! ^ 
Thou haft ftolen both my office and .my name-~- 
Wou'd diGu hadft the beating that belongs to 'cm: 
Ant. of E.. .Sure, I but dream !— --li, as thou fay^if 
. thou'rt Dromio, - * 

Go fend thy miftrcfs hither, . 

. Dro.qfS. Sir, my miflrcfs is at ptefent CDgaged witit 
my matter. ^ 

Ant. ofE\ The devil ! 

Dro. ofE. Mafter, knock the door.hard> 

Dro. of S. Let him knock till it ake. 

[Antipholus knocks^ and mufic phys nuttbm 
Antyof E. What do I hear ? Mufic ? 
Dro. of S. Yes, yqu may dance, Sir~if you. like thc^ 


Ant. of E. Whoe'er thou art, thou ihalt repent this 

infolencc ! — — 
Adr. {within.) Who's that at the door that keeps 

aM this noife ? 
Ant^ of E, O, are you there, wife ? 
Adr. Your wife, Sir knave ! fince when, I pray ? 
Hence, from the door j you have no buiinefs here. 
Ant. of E. Why, don't you know me i 

^dr.No, I thank hcav'n I — go where you're better 
welcome ^ 
I have no fpcech for drunkards. 
. Dro. ofS. No, I told you-here we are better cmploy'd^ 

Ant, of £. This is beyond all patience ! 


A3 1 VBica IS wmai. 9 

Go ktch me fometliing, I'll break open tbc door. 

Dro' of S. Break any thing here, and I'll break your 
knave's pate. 

Am. ofE. {Mujic again.) Fetch mc an iron crow di- 


BaL Stay, Dromio— and have patience. Si r 
Herein you war again (I your reputation. 
Then let- us to the tavern all to dinner ^ 
And about evening come yourfclf alone, 
To know the reafon of this flrange refiraint. 

AnU of E. You haye prevailed in part. 
I know a wench of excellent difcourfe, 
My wife, but I proteft without defcrt, 
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal ^ 
To her will we to dinncr-^'Gret you home. [To Ange:)^ 
And fetch the ring — by this I know 'tis mad e 
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine \ 
For there's the houfe — ^and there will 1 beftow it 
Upon my pretty hoftefs 5 — good Sir, make hade. 

^g» ni meet you there in lefs than half an hour. 

[Exit Angelo* 

Ant, ofE, Do fo. \^MuJic again, and a loudiaugb in the 
houfe.) And for this jeft of my fair dame^s, 
I'll puni(h her with my neglect and fcorn. 

\Exeunt Antipholis atid Balthazar. 

Dro, of E. Oh that my mailer had unlockM the door 

with an iron crow — then would I have pluck'd a crow 

with that knave within. lExii* 

»- ' ■ ■' ■ " ■ ■ ■ '1 1.. .... ...1. . . - — — 

A C T II. 

Scene, A Chamber in the Houfe of Antipholis of £- 


Enter Antipholis (f Syracuse. 

^URE all is witchcraft ! I've been entertained 

As lord and mafter of a heap of treafure. 

Joft now a goldfmith prefs'd on me this ring, 

Refufing- payment till feme future time. 

Some men wouM think 'em blefl; to be fo courted 

As 1 have been, ^nd by fo fair a lady 5 

But fomething in my bofom makes me ihua 

A 5 Hu 


Her charms, and fhudder at her fond endearments. 

Enter Dromio o/'Syracufe. 
Wliy, how now, Dromio, where run'ff thou fo faft ? 

Dro. ofS, Do you know me, Sir ? Am I Dromio ? 
am I your man ? am I myfelf ? 

Ant, ofS. Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou 
art thyfelf. 

Dro» of S, I am an afs, I am a woman's man — and 
befide myfelf.' 

Ant. of S, What woman's man, and how befides thyfelf ? 

Dro. ofS, Marry, Sir, befid^s myfelf, I am due to a 
woman ^ one that claims me, one that haunts me-— ODe' 
that will have me. 

Ant. ofS, What claim lays {he to thee ? 

Dro, ofS, Marry, Sir, fuch a claim as you would lay 
to your horfe— file would have me as a bead : — not that 
I being a bead, fhe would have me ^ but that fhe being 
^ very beaftly creature, lays claim to me. 

Ant, ofS. What is (he ? 
' Dro, ofS, A very reverend body— for fhe has a beard 
like a goat. I have but lean luck in the match, and yet 
ihe's a wondrous fat marriage, "i. 

Ant, of S. How doll thoamean a fat*marriage ? 

Dro, of S, Marry, Sir, fhe's the kitchen-wench, and 
all grcafc. I know not what ufe to put her to but to 
' make a lamp of her, and run from ber by her own light.. 
I warrant her rags and the tallow in them will burn a 
X.apland winter: if (he lives till Doomfday, fbe'll blaze 
a week longer than the reft of the ^orld. 

Ant, ofS, Ha, ha, ha I What complexion is fhe of ? 

Dro. of S, Swart, like my fhoe ■ ■ but her face no- 
thing like fo clean kej>t. 

Ant. ofS, What's^er name ? 

Dro» ofS.'^tWy Sir >— but her name and three quar- 
ters (that is, an ell and three quarters) will not meafurc 
her from hip to hjp. 

Ant. ofS. Then fhe bears fom^ breadth. 

Dro, of S. No longer from head to foot, than from hip 
to hip : fhe is fpherical like a globe. Sir, this drudge, 
or diviner, laid claim to me 5 call'd'me Dromio \ fwore I 
was afTur'd to her 5 told me what privy marks I had 
about me, as the maiks of my fhouldcrj the mole in my 

X neck^. 


neck tie great vart on my left arm, Aat I, amax'df 
nn from her as a witch. 

Jnt, ofS, Go, hafte to the road, 
And if the wind blow any way from ihore, 
I will not harbour in this town. to-night. 
li any bark put forth, come ta the mart. 
Where I will walk till thou return to me. 
Hafle, Dromio, hafte. [Exit. 

Drv. cfS. Yes, Sir 

As horn, a bear a man would run for life, 

1 fly the monfler, that wouM be my wife. {Exit^ 

Scene, The Street. 

Enter Angelo, Second Merchant, and an Officer. 

2 Mer. You know fincc Pcntecoft the fum is due ; 
Therefore make prefent fatisfa<^ony 
Or I'll attach you by this officer. 

Ang. Even juft the fum that I do owe to you 
Is growing to me by Antipholis : 
Pfeaie you but walk with me down to his houfe, 
i will difcharge my bond, and thank you too. 

Offi. That labour you may fave 5 fee where he comes. 
Enter Antipholis of ]^phefus and Dromio of Ephefus. 

j^nti ofE» While I go to the goldfmith's h^ufe, go 
thou and buy a rope's end ^ that will I beftow among 
my wife's confederates, for locking me out of doors to- 
day. [Exit Dromio. 

Ant, ofE, (^feeing Angela?^ A man is well holp up 
that trutts to you. 
I promis'd me your pre fence and the jewel. 

Ang. Saving your merry humour, here's the note of 
Which does amount to three odd ducats more 
Than I Hand debted tathis gentleman : 
1 pray you, fee him prefently difcharg'd : 
For he is bound to fea, and ftays but for it. 

Ant. ofE. I am not furhifh'd with the prefent money .5^ 
Befides, I have fome bufinefs in the town : 
Good Signor, take the flranger to my houfe. 
And with you take the ring, and bid my wife 
• Difburfe the fum on the receipt thereof j 
Perchance, I will be there -^s foon as you. 

Ang, Then you wiU bring the ring to .her yourfelf ? 

A 6 Ant, 

1-2 THE TWINS J OR, ' -^^?? 'BTL 

Ant. ofE. No J bear it with you, left I come no^ 

time enough. 

jfng. Well, Sir, I will: have you the ring about yoii ^ 

Ant, of E. An' if I have not, Sir, I hope you have. 
Or elfe you may return without your money. 

Ang» Nay, come, I pray you. Sir, give me the ring 5, 
Both wind and tide flay for this gentleman, 
And I, to blame, have held him here too long. 

Ant, ofE, What now, yoaufe this dalliance to ejccufe 
Your breach of promife to the Porcupine. 

2 Mer, The hour fleals on ^ I pray you, Sir, difpatch-* 

Ang, You hear how he importunes me \ the ring^— 

Ant, ofE, Why, give it to my wife, and fetch you^ 

Ang, You know I gave it you^ not half an hour fince. 

Ant, ofKx You gave me none \ you wrong me much: 
to fay fo. 

Ang, You wrong me more. Sir, in denying it. 
Confider how it (lands upon ^ny credit. 

2 Mer, Well, officer, arreft him at my fuit, 

Offi, I do, and charge you in the duke's name to obey. 

Ang, This touches me in my reputation ?— 
PJther confent to pay the fum for me. 
Or I'll attach you by this officer. 

Ant. ofE., Confent to pay for that I never had I 
Arreft iSe, foolifh fellow, if thou dar'll, 

Ang, Here is thy fee — arreft him, officer. 
I wou'd not fpare my brother in this cafe. 

Offi, I do arreft you, Sir y you hear the fuit* 

Ant. ofE, I do obey thee till I give thee bail j— 
But, (irrah, you ftiall buy this fpt)rt as dear 
As all the metal in your {hop will anfwer. 

Ang, Sir, Sir, I fhall have law in Ephefus, 
To your nQt;orious fhame, I doubt it not. 

[^Exeunt Angelo tf«//Merchant.. 
Enter Dromio of Syracufe. 

Dro, ofS, Mafter, there is a bark of Epidamnum,. 
That ftays biit for her owner and yourfelf, 
Then, Sir, ihe bears away. ^ 

Ant, ofE, How now ! the Have is either drunk or mad.. 
What ftiip of Epidamnum ftays for me ? 

Dra, ofS, A fliip you font me to, to hire waftage. 


JSU, WHICH IS wmcff. i^ 

JnL ofE, Thou drunken flavc, I fcnt thee for t rope^ 
,Ahi told thee to what purpofe, and what end* 

Dro. qfS. You fent me for a rope's end, as (boo ^ 
You fent me to the bay. Sir, for a bark. 

jtini, ofE, I will debate this matter at more leifurc^ 
To Adriana, villain, hie thee firait j 
Give her this key, and tell her in the deik 
There is a purfe of ducats,— let her fend it } 
Tell her I am arrefted in the (Ireet, 
And that ihall bail me — ^hie thee. Have, 'begone ! 
On, officer, to priibn, till it come. 

{^Exeunt Antipholis anJ Officer* 

Dro. of S. (^foIusS) To Adriana ? t hat is where 

fve dined io the next flreet — ^but does he think flie will 

give him a purfe of ducats for eating up her provifions ?— 

No, no, he was not civil enough for that.— In my 

£mple judgement, he is as mad as a March hare—- and & 

1 (hall tell Madam — for go, I muft-^Would 1 were out 

o{ this town — though 1 have met with a number of old 

acqaajQtances— -whom indeed I never faw in my life 

before — A tailor juil now haulM me into his (hop, and 

took mcafiire of me for a coat and doublet— then there's 

the mountain of flefh that lays claim to my fweet perfon, 

and wou^d /ain folace me with her wondrous charms^-. 

For certain they are j//mad — and if Mrs. Adriana feeds 

the money, — why (he will be maddeft of 'em ail. [^Exii^ 

EuUr Antipholis of Ephefus and Officer. 

jjnt.of E. Fear me not, man, I will not breakaways 
111 give thee, e'er I leave thee, fo much money, 
To warrant thee, as I am 'retted for. 
My wife is in a wayward mood to-day. 
And will not lightly truft the meffcnger. 
That I fhould be attached in Ephefus, 
I tell you, 'twill (bund harfhly in her ears.-,- 
Here cdmes my man — I think he brings the money. 

Enter Dromio of Ephefus. 
How now, Sir, have you that I fent you for ? 

Dro, of E. Yes, Sir, I have it. [Feeling for it^ 

jfint, of E, 'Tis well, good Dromio. 

Dro, of E. Here's that, I warrant you, will pay them 
all ! , [Giving a rope» 

14 Tlffi TWINS J OKf A^ II' 

jfni. ofE, But wherc*^ the money ? 
Dro. ofE, Why, Sir, 1 gave the money for the rope*- 
^nt, ofE. Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope ! 
Dro. ofE, I'll ferve you, Sir, five hundred at that rate. 

, Tint. ofE. To what ^d did I fend thee home ? 

Dro, ofE, T© a rope's end, Sir— and to that end-am 

I return'd. 
^ttL ofE. And to that end, Sir, will I welcome thee I 

[Beats Dromio. 
Offi, Good Sir, be patient. 
Dro. of E. Nay, 'tis for me to be patient ' I am m 

^nt. of E. Thou whorefon, fen fel efs villain !— 
Dro. of E. I wou'd i were fcnfelcfs, Sir, that I might 

not feel your blows.— 
j^nt, ofE. Come, go along, my wife is coming yonder.* 
Enter Adriana, Luciana, Hoftefs, Pinch, and Attendants. 
Dro. of E. Mirtrefs, refpice fnem^ refpe6l your end— — 
or rather beware the rope's end. 

Ant. of E. Wilt tliou ilill prate ! [Beats him agatn^ 
Luc. It is as you were watn'd — your hufband's mad ! 
Hof, I knew it by his conduft at my houfe. 
Adr. Good Doctor Pinch, I prithee fpeak to hinl. 
Luc. Alas, how fiery and how (harp he looks ! 
Finch. Give me your hand, and let me feel your.puKe. 
Ant. ofE. There. [Striking him.. 

Pinch. He is poffefsM — ^the fiend is. ftrong within him. 
Ant. ofE. You minion, you, are thefeyour cuftomers > 
Did this companion, with the fajffron-face, 
Revel and feaft it in my houfe to-day. 
Whim upon me the guilty doors were (hut ? 

Adr. Oh,,huihand ! heav'n doth know you din'd at 

Ant. cfE. Thou haft brib'd the goldfmith to arreft: 

me too. 
Adr. Alas, I fent you money to redeem you 
By Dromio here, who came in hafte for it. 

Dro of E. Mone^ by me! heart and good will you. 
might J 
But furelv, mafter, not a rag of money. 
Ant. ofE. Went 'it thou not to her for a purfe of ducats ? 
Adr* He came to me^ and I deliver'd it. . 


Zsfif. And I am witnefs with her that flic did. 
Dro. ofE. Heav'n and the ropemakcr do bear oc 
That I was fent for nothing but a rope. 
Pincb. Miftrefs, both man and mafter arc poflcfs^d ! 
j^nt o/E. Say, wherefore didll thou Jock me Ibrtli 
to-day ? 
And why doft thou deny the bag of gold' 
-^^r. I did not, gentle hulhand, Idck thee forth. 
Dro, of E. And genie mafter, I recciv'd no gold 
Bot I confefs — ^that we were both locked ji. 
^r. Diffembling villain, thou fpeak'ft falfc n 00th. 
y^nt, o/E, Diffembling harlot^ thou art falfc in all j 
But with hefc hands I'll pluck out thofc falfc eyes. 
That would behold me in this (hamefiil fport. 
^Jr, Oh bind him, bind him, let him not come near 
me. [T^^ ^»W bim, 

Pincb, More company ! his fever now is high ! 
Bind Dromio, too. 

^Jif. ofE, What, will you murder me ?— Thou, officer^ 
I am thy prifoner, wilt thou fuffer them 
To make a refcue ? 

Adr. I will difcharge the deb t 
Good mafter-do£tor, fee him fafe convey'd 
Home to my houfe Oh moft unhappy day ! 
Ant, ofE. Oil moft unhappy flrumpet ! . 
Dro, of E. Mafter, I am here entcr'd in bond for youv 

Ah-- l^hey Jlop bis mouth m 

Finch* Both mad-^both very mad ! 

Adr. Luc. Alas, poor fouls ! [Exeunt •. 


Scene, A Street before a P'rii^y, 

Enter Angelo and Second Mbrcbant*. 

I'm forry. Sir, that I have hindered you > 
But I proteft he had the ring of me, 
Though mod' dilhoneilly he doth deny it. 

2 Mer. Speak foftly > yonder, as I think, he comes. 

Ang., 'Tis fo, and that fame ring upon his- finger. 

ril fpeak to him. 


1 6 THE TWIKS J 01k, -<^<5? //Z 

Enier Antipbolis and Dromio oi Syracufe. 
Signor Anttpholis, I wonder much 
That thou would put me to this ihame and trouble 5 
That ring you had of me, can you deny it ? 

^nt, qfS,l think I had 5 1 never did deny it. 

^ng. Yes, that you did, Sir, and forfworc it too. 

2 Mer, Fie on thee, wretch I 'tis pity that thou Uv'ft 
To walk where any honeft men rcfort. 

u^nL qfS, Thou art a villain to impeach me thus ; 
I'll prove my honour and my honcfty 
Againft thee prcfently, if thou dar'ft to fland. 

2 Mer, I dare, and do defy thee for a villain. \T^hey Jighf ^^ 
Enter Adriana, Luciana, Hoftefs, &c, 

u^//r. Hold, hurt him not, for heaves fake ! he^s mad. 
Some get within him, take his fword away : 
Bind Dromio too. 

{T^hey attempt to difarm him, but he keeps them qffl 

Dro, qfS, Run, mafter run— for hcav'n's fake, take a 
houfe f 
This is fome priory i n, or we are fpoiPd. 

[^Exeunt Antipholis and Dromio to the Priory^ 

jidr. Alas, alas I how came they loofe again ? 

Luc, Let^s call more help to have them bound anew* 
Enter Lady Abbefs^o/w the Priory^ 

Abb, Be quiet, people, wherefore throng you hither > 

Adr, To fetch my poor.diftraded hufband hence. 

Ang„ I thought he was not in his pcrfc6l wits. 

Abb, How long hath this poffeflion held thc^ man ? 

Adr, This week he hath been heavy, four, and fad 5^ 
But till this afternoon his pafTion 
Ne'er brake into extremity of rage. 
Good people enter, and lay hold of him. 

Abb, No, not a creature enter into my houfe. 

Adr, Then let your fervants bring my huiband forth.- 

Abb, Neither — He took this place for fanftuary ; 
And it (liall privilege him from your hands, 
Till I have brought him to his wits again, 
Or lofe my labour in effaying it : 
Therefore depart, and leave him here with me. 

Adr, I will not hence, and lean'e my hufband here, 
And ill doth it befeerti your holinefs 
To feparate the hufband and the wife.. 



Sb, Be qmet, and depait \ tho\i (halt not have hiia* 

Exii Abbeflk 
hic. Complain unto tlie I^uke of tliis indignity. 
An^, By t\iis, 1 think, the diaV points at five ; 
Anon, Vvci (uxe the Duke hitnfelf in perfon 
Comes ibis way to the melancholy vale. 
To {ee a reverend Syracufan merchant^ 
Who put unluckily into this bay, 
Bclieaded puhllcly for his offence. 
Luc, See -where they come. 

Enter Duke, ilLgcon, ^Jaiior^ Guards^ istc. 
Duke.^tt once again proclaim it publicly. 
If any friend will pay the fum for him, 
Heihallnot die. 
j^dr, {kneeling) Juftice, mod facred Dulce^ againft the 

huke. She is a virtuous and a reverend lady ^ 
It cannot he that ftic has done thee wrong. 

Mr, May it plcafe your grace. An tiphoHs my hoiband, 
This day a dcfp'rate fit of madnefs ieizM him : 
Once did I get huxk bound, and fent him home y 
Anon, I know not by what flrange efcape. 
He broke from thofe tliat had the guard of hxm. 
And here I met him, drawn upon this merchant 
We drove again to bind him } hut he £ed 
Into this abbey, whether we jJurfu'd him ^ th^ Abbefs (huts the gate on us, 
And will not fuffer us to fetch him out. 

Duke. Go, fome of you, knock at the abbey gate^ 
And bid^he Lady Abbefs come to me ; 
I will determine this before I ilir. [Exu one to the priory » 

Enter Meffenger. 
Mef. O, miilrefs, millrefs, fly and fave yourfclf I 
My maHer and his man are both broke loofe. 
Beaten us every one, and bound the doAor 5 
He calls for you, and vows revenge upon you. 

Adr. Peace, fool, thy mafter and his man are here. 
Mef, No, miftrefg, no, my bones can tell he's there. 

\^A cry beard* 
Hark, hark, I hear him I Miflrefs, fly, begone ! 

[Exit M-jfTenger. 


'i<8 THx TWINS ; on u£? J9| 

Enter AntipboUs a»d Dtomlo ofEphtCvis. \ 

jidrn Ainazement lall ! it is- indeed my huni>and ! j 

Ant. of E. Juflice, i&oft gracious Duke, oh grant xi( 
juftice ! J 

JEgeon, Unlefs the fear of death doth make me doal| 
I fee ay fon Antipholis arfd Dromio 1 {^y^/g^A^ 

Ant. ofE, Juftice, great Sir, againftthat woiaan ther^ 
That hath abufed and <ii{honour'd me, 
Even in the ftrength and height pf injury. 

Duhe, Difcover how, and thou (halt find me juft. 

Ant. ofE* This day, great Sir, flie fliut the doors up- 
on me^ 
-Whilft fhe with harlots feafted in my houfe# 

Duke. A grievous fault. Say, woman, didft thou iR>{ 

Adr. No, good my Lord— -myfelf, he, and my fifter^ 
Did dine together, io befal my foul ! 

Luc. rf ^'er may I look on day, noy fieep on xvig^ht^ 
But (he tells to your Hfghncis fimple truth. 
. .4^. O peijur^d womsHK ! They are bo^h for iWem* 
In this the madman judly chargeth them. 

Ant. o/* E. My Liege, I am advifed what I fay* 
This woman locked me out this day from dinner : 
That g<^dfmith there waft with me at th« timei 
And parted with mc t^ go fetch a ring, 
Promifing to bring it to the Porcupine, 
Where Balthazer and I did dine together. 

Ang. My Lord, in truth thus fat I witnefs him, 
That he dinM not at home, but was locked out. 

Duke,. But had he fuch a ring of thee, or no ? 

Ang. He, had, my Lord— and when he ran in here^ 
Thefe people faw the ring upon his finger. 

Ant. of E. \ never came within thefe abbey-walls, 
Nor ever faw the ring — ^fo help me, Heav'n 1 

Duke. Why, what an intricate impeach is this I 
If here you housM him; here he would have been. 
You fay he din'd at home j the goldfraith there 
Denies that faying Sirrah, what fay you ? 

Dro. of E. Sir, he dinM with her there at the Por- 

Hof. He did. 

Duke: Saw'fl thou him enter at the abbey here ? 

Hof. As fure, my liege, as I do fee your Grace. 


UL WiOCH IS iR-racB* tp 

Z^ffif.Wliy, tills is draBge — Go call tlie abbelslutber^ 
I tiiink pu are all mated, ox ftark-nxad. 

[^Exit one to ih^ Abeis. 
Eg, Mod mighty Duke, vouchfafe me fpcak a word; 
Haply I fee a friend will (iave tclj life. 
And pay the fum that may deliver me. 
dde. Speak freely, Syracufan, what thou wilt* 
Eg, Is not your uaxne, Sir, called Autipbolis^ 
And is not that your bondman I^romto ? 

Dr9. ofE, Within this hour I was his Bomdmamy Sit i 
fiat he, I thank him, gnawM in two my cords^^ 
Now I am Dromio, and his man imbouad. 
Eg, Why look you ftrange on me ? you know me well* 
Am, ofE, I never faw you in my life till now. 
^i' ^^1 gf^cf bath chapg^d me fince thou iaw*ft 
But tell me yet, doft thou not know my voice ? 
j Am. o/E, Neither. 
I Eg, Bromu), nor thou ? 

Dro. o/E, No, trufl me, Sir, not I !-— 
\ Eg. I'm fure thou ddft* 

I Dro. ofE. Ay, Sir ? but I am fure I do not > and 
whatfoeyer a man denies, you are now bound to belie ?e 

Eg, Not know my voice !— Ok timers extremity ! 
Haft thou ib cracked and iplitted my poor tongue 
In fercn fhort years, that here my only fon 
Knows not my feeble key of untunM cares f 
But fcvcn years fince, in Syracufe's bay, 
Thou know 'il we parted. 

Am. of En r never faw my father in my lifc c »i ■ • 
But yet the Duke, and all that know me here, 
Can witnefs with me that this is not fo > 
For never yet beheld I Syracufa, 
Eater Abefs wi/b Antipholis afui Dromio of Syracufe. 

Aiflf. Moil mighty Duke, behold a man much wrongM. 

Adr. I fee two hulhands, or my eyes deceive me ! 
\ Duke, One of thefe men is genius to the other ? 
Which is the n'dtural man, and which the fpirit ? 

Dro. q/*5'. I, Sir, am Dromio y command him away. 

Dro. of E. I, Sir, am Dromio— pray let me ftay. 

Ant. of S. lEgtoti art thou not, or ell'e his ghoft ?— ^ 

/ My 

so THE TWINS J OR, jf£i 

My father I [Fa/Is at K^eon^s J ^ \ 

Dro, of S, O my old raafter ! who hath bound I 

here ? 
y^lflf. Whoever bound him, I wHl loofe his boads. 
Speak, old /Ec;eon, if thou be'it the man 
That had a wife once call'd JEfTizlia, 
That bore thee at a burden two fair fons : 
Oh, if thou be''fl the fame JEgeon. fpeak. 
And fpeak unto the fame iEmilia. 

j£g. If I dreim not, thou art ^Emilia !— — 
If thou art (he, tell me where is that fon 
Thai floated with thee on the f.stal raft > 
JEm. By men of Epidamnum he and I, 
And the twin Dromio, all were taken up j 
But by-and-by rude fi(hermcn of Corinrh 
By force took Dromio and my fon from them, 
And me they left with thofc of Epidamnum. 
"What then became of them I cannot tell- 
Though, fure, I'pa bled in both my boys again! 

\^EmbrdC€s berjon^ \ 
Adr. Which of you two did dine with me to-day ? 
Ant. ofS, I, gentle miftrefs. * 

Dro, ofS. And I fecur'd the gate. 
Adr, You are my hufband, then ? ^ 

Ant, of E. No 5 I fay my to that. 
Dro, of E, Nor muft tb(U Dromio be your portct 

now. I 
Ant, of S, Fair fifter, it feems thcfe ducats I received 
from you j [To Adriana. 

This ring from you, for which Pll fatisfy yon : 

[To Angclo^ 
I fee we ftill did meet each other^s man, 
And I was ta'en for him, and he for me. 

Ant. of E. Thefe ducats pawn I for my father here. 
Duke. It (hall not need, thy father hath his life. 
Dra. of S. Mafter, ihall I fetch your ftuflF from fhip- 

board ? 
Ant. of E. Dromio, what fluff of mine haft thou em» 

bark'd ? 
Ant. of S. He fpeaks^ to me /am your matter, 
Dromio : 
We'll look to that anQn Embrace thy brother j 



Go, get you in til ere, a n^ rejoice \Rritli In 
[Ths ^^niipholifcs and th^ ^C/^ of ibe^ 
up tbejiage,~\ . 

Dro, of E. Methinks you are my gla^, «"i ^ 

I fee, by you, I am a fweet-fac'd youth 
W21 you walk in ^ 

Dro of S. Not I Sir, you arc xny clder- 

Dro ofE. That's a qucftion : 
How (hall I try it ? 

Dro, ofS. Well draw cuts for tHc rcnior : 
Till then, lead- thou firft.^ i r z- 

Dro. ofE. Nay, then, thus • lEmSrs 

We came into the world like brother and brother } 
Now let's go hand in band 

Boib. Not one before another ["- 

lEm. Renowned Duke, vouchfafc to take the pau 
To go with >is into the abbey here. 

And hear at large difcourfed all our fortunes. 

ne aory may be worth a ferious »*ff ""^ •. 
-^rwiil i2icwi:hc virtuous never Chou d delpair. 

The troubles fent by Hea^'n ne'er come amifi 
hey're but defi^uM t'improvc our fenfc of I 






Br C. JSIBDIir. 






Fiinhufgh, l^%^* 


Mr. Vernor. 

^Mr. Gaudry. * 

Mr. Bannifler. 

Mr. Charteris. 


Mr. Dibdin. 

Mr. Hollinfwortli. 


Mr. Parfons. 

Mr* Knight. 

. Flint, 

Mr. Wright. 

Mr. Taylor. 

Firjl Soldier, 

Mr. Carpenter. , 

Mr. Hallion, 

Second Soldier, 

Mr* Fawcet. 

Mr. SimpfoQ. 

Third Soldiery 

Mr. Kear, 

Mr. Banks. 

Fourth Soldier, 

Mr. Blanchard. 


W O M E 1 



Mrs. Smith. 

Mlfs Kirby. 


Mrs. Wrighten. 

Mrs. Henderfon. 


Mrs. Love. 

Mrs. Charteris. 




Scene, ^ Cottage ^ with a view of the French Camp at a 

dijlance. * 

Margaret knitting^ and ] esny Jfiianing at thedoor-of the 
Cottage : Simkin and other Villagers come on with hq/^ 
iets of fruit. 

A I R I. 
I can't for my my life guefs the caufe of this fufs. 

Why there's pipers and fiddlers 5 while Robin and Harr j- 
And Clodpole and Roger, and ten more of us, 
Have pull'd as much fruit as we are able to carry. 



4B I IBB DBSraiTXR. 93 

Ttlij, numikulU tbat^s nothing \ her ladyflup^s wjae. 

All over llie village, runs jull like a fountain ; 
Aod I beard the folks fay, every di£h, when thej dlne^ 
WiU be fwimming in claret, madeira, and mououia. 

Tbcn for poultry, and fuch like— >good Lord, what a (lore ! 

I faw Goodman Gander fix baikets full cramming ', 
Then fucb comfits and jellies ! why one fuch feall more 
Would certainly breed in the Tillage a famine. 

What the meaning can be 
We (hall prefently fee, 
Foryoider^s old Ruffet* who certainly knows ; 
Be what it will. 
Our wiQi (hall be dill, 
Jof and health to the Duchefs wherever flic goes ! 
Son. VJhal can all this f eatting be for ? 
Jen. m^ve you while I wind up this bottom and 
iaothtTt and jou Oian^t find it out. 

Sim, Why then, if you know fo well, why don't you 
telJ us what it is ? 

Jea. Ah, I thought you would none of you guefs it : 
this grand feafUng at the Duchefs's is becaufe the king'^s 
coming to the camp. » 

Marg. Who told you fo ? 
Jea. 1 had it from Gaffer Ruffet himfelf. 
Sim, Does the king coir.e to the camp to-day ? 
Marg. Why, yes, I knew that. 
Sim, Then, as fare as can be, I know what will hap« 

Jen, Why, what will happen ? 

Sim, There will be two weddings in the village be- 
(bie ta-monrow night. 

Marg, How fo ? 

Sim. Why, is not Henry, the young foldier, to mar* 
ly Louifa, Gaffer Ruffet's daughter, as foon as the r^ 
^w's over. ' 

Jen. Not if I can prevent tfL 

Marg. Well, that's but one wedding! 

Sim. Yes 5 but Jenny can tell you whofc"'wcdditig 

^'other's to bc« 



Jeriy HoTV {hould I koow ? 
' Sm. Ah, you won't fay any thing btfore folks, be 

caufe you're aflham'd. 
I . Jen, What do you mean ? 

Sim, A§ if you did not know— — 

Jen, Not I indeed. 

Sim. Why did not you promife me, that when tl^nrj 
^ married Louifa, you'd marry me ? 

Jen. Yes, yes, and I'll keep my word j whcn€V«i 
Henry marries Louifa, I'll marry you. 

I Enl^ Ruffet and Louifa. 

Lbu, Why miift I appear fo deceitful > 
f ' I cannot, dear father, comply : 

Ah I could I think him fo ungrateful, 

With anguifh I furely (hoiild die. 
What fo tender, at parting, he told me, 

Which fuch joy to my hofom convey'd j 
When next he was iloom'd to behold me, - 
"^V Could I think would be this^way repaid ? 

le///: Well, well: But child 

|. Lou. Indeed, father, 'tis impoffible j I never can con^- 

1^ fent to fuck a thing. 

f Ruf, Odds heart, Louifa, there's po harm in it. Neigh* 

hours, come round here, I'll tell you the whole a£Fair ; 
I you know what a dear good lady the Duchefs is. 

Marg. Ah, flie's a dear good lady, indeed, and we all 
of us ought to do every thing (he orders us. 

Ruf, I and my family in particular ought, for many's 
^ the good thing (he has given mc and my old dame j 

then how^ kind (he was to all my poor children ! flie 
Hood godmother to this, and had her chriitened after 
» her own name. 

- Sim, Louifa^ 
Ruf, Well, now we come to the point : Henry, you 
know, who was bred up with my girl, and intended from 
r' his infancy for her hufban^, is a foldier. 

f Sim, So he is. 

: Ruf^ And becaufe (he has a value for every thing that 

;i belongs to me, this good lady, about three weeks ago^ 

\ 2 . fcftt 

Ml "^^ OESEtTtK* 2$ 

feot to the colonel fot Ails dificharf^, dist tlie Toon^ 
&!b may live 9X, home at t!bax cafe, snd te as happr 10 
the day is long. 

Maq, That mil be dianning and comHortablc far 
yoD, neighbom. 

Rttf. Yes : but now comes the mxfehicf of it ^ wliat 
lias occafionM it, I don^t know y I never law znj harm. 
of the lad, bat there are always bnfy tongues is this viU 
lage, doifig people Ul offices y and fucb reports, wkha 
thefc fewdays, ha»re reached the DnchcG's cara. that flie 


is detervined to fee farther into this bofincisy befare ihe 
gives Louifa the portion (he promisM her. 
Jn, Yoamaj thaak me for that. [jf^de^ 

Lou. But he^U be here to-day ; and lb weB 1 know 
his heart, that I'm fore be^ clear himliElf to their oon- 
iiifion who could fo vilely tradnce him. 
Jen, Perhaps not. ^jf/Utm 

fyf, WtU, child, I ^un fiire yon canH wifli it more 
I than I do; nothing has ever pleafed me to mnch as the 
f thai^t oi jour coming together : I wifli to fee yoa 
msmed with all my beart ^ for then I fliall have ao> 
I ^g to do but to lift^en to the prattle of yonr chiidraip 
^ prqiare myfelf to follow poor Dorothy. 

My life's three parts dimiaiih*!^ 
And wben tlie fum is finiih^d. 
The pari(hl>eU may toll, 
Cra' mercy on my foull 
Ding dong ! 
Swing fwong ! 
Methinks my old companions lay. 
That tbough his hairs are )now grown grcfy 
dd Ru^iet once upon a day, * 

When all was mirth and jollity. 
When fports went ronnd^and b^ls did ring. 
Could brifkly dance^ and blytfie could fing y 
And then upon the green to fee 
His ruflic feats-^'twas who but he ? 
I'd give tins bauble, life away. 
Without a iigh, could I but fiay 
To fee a little infant care. 
Like Henry brave^ I<oui&L £air \ 
Vol. IV. S tould 


Could I fee this, Pd yield, coateat, 
A life, I hope, not badly fpent. 

But as I was telling you, the Duchefs hearing o^ 
thefe reports, is determinM that we tell make a trial 
of his affe6lions. 

Lou, Indeed, father, there's no neceflity for it \ he 
loves me mod fincerely. 

Ruf. Nay, nay, child, I really think your love carries 
you too much away in this affair \ it can do no harm ^ 
'tis only an innocent frolic : you are to make believe as 
if you were a bride : and let me fee who— -oh, you ihall 
be the bridegroom* 
' Sim. Shall I ? I'cod I'm glad oPthat. 

Ruf. But above all, I mull inftru^ you, Jenny, in 
-your part \ you are to fit here, and tell Henry, when he 
comes, that Louifa and Simkin were married yefterday. 

Jen. The very thing I wifli'd. \_^Jide. 

Lou, I'm vex'd to death that this trick (hould be 
nlayM him \ I can judge by mylelf what he'll feel \ if 
1 was told fuch a thing of him, how miferable I (hould 

Ruf, But he'll be fo much the happier when he fy^JSm.' 
* put the deceit, child. 

A I R IV. 

Louisa. - 

Though prudence may prefi mc^. 

And duty diftrefs me, 
Againfl inclination, O what can they do ! 

No longer a rover, 

His follies are over 5 
My heart, my fond heart, fays my Henry is true,* 

The bee, thus, as changing, 

From fweet to fweet ranging, 
A rofe {hould he light on, ne'r wLQies to ftray \ 

With raptures poffefling 

In one every blcfling, 
'Till torn from her bofom, he flies far away. 

Ruf, Well, well, don't make yourfclf uneafy 5 I dare 

-iay he loves you as fincerly as you think he does j if fo, 

ke'U . foon bt tmdccciv'd, aad we (hall fioiih the day as 


bppij as tve coald wi(h : ib the meaa time, let us tbink 
of what we bave to do ^ we are to pretend we came 
ixom the church *, the fiddles and bagpipes are to go firft, 
then the lads and laffes £oUow ; after which, mind this 
low, we are to go to the Duchefs^s manfioo in grand 
proccffioB, and thece to be feafted like (b many princes 
and princefles. 

Sim. Pcod that wiE (uit me nicel7.-^Buty Gaffer 
RulTet, Jenny fays you uAd hex the feaiting was to be 
lor the king. 

Ruf For us and the king ^ yes, yes, the king, after 
he and his courtiers- have had an entertainment at the 
Duchefs's, goes to review the camp, where the f<^dicrs 
are all to appear under arms — A.b, girls ! that's what 
none of you know any thing about ; when the king goes 
to the camp, then^s the tinier— the drums beat-— the ifes 
play— the colours arc flying— and — and Lor d ■ 
1^1 what a charming thing war is ! 

Sm. It mud be then when one comes home agaia, 
«fld it's all over. 

^if/l There^s no life like the life of a foldier ^ and 
thcD for love ! let the girls take care of their hearts ^ I 
remember I won my Dorothy joft after J came from 
fuch a review now^ as there may be to-day. 

Marg, Ah, indeed^ the foldiers make fad work with 
yonng women^s bearts, fur e enough. 
' J^tf/l And hew can it be othermfc ? 

A I R V, 

One ceitdud^s for 

Both love and war, 
3]*he pcHut's to gain poffcffioifc 

For this we watch 
- The enemy's coaft, 

Till we ileeping catch 
*'. Them on their po(l : 

Thfin good b'ye, form.f 

The fort we Aorm, 
Make towns or hearts 
Surrender at difcretion. ^^ 

In lo/c the only batteJry, 

Which with fbccefe W^e play 

B a To 


To conquer hearts, is flattery : 
No fortrcfs can its power withiland 5 
Neither cannpns, mortars, fword in hand. 

Can make fuch way. 
As- 'tis in love, fo ^tis in war, * , 

We make believe, 

Miflead, deceive 5 
Praiy, what ferve drums and trumpets for, 
Cannons and all our force of arms, 
But with their thundering alarms, 
To tell, not cover our defigns ? 
Can thefe to trenches, breaches, mines, 
Blockades, or ambufcades compare ? 

No, all agree 
That policy 
Is the true art militaire« 

But, come, come, we muft go and prepare ourfelres j 
you h^ve not much timie to fpare, and fee where he 
comes hurrying along there ; there, now, he clambers 
,up yonder hill-— well done, faith ! Ah, your lovers have 
no gout to ilop them. Come, child— -neighbours, oome 

Lou. Cruel father i ^ [Exeunt^ 

Enter Henry* 

^fterwardsj in the wedding procejfton^ Ruflet Simkln^ 

Louifa, Margaret, Jenny, and viliagers. 

AIR VI. ' 
The nymph who in my bofom reigns, 
With fuch AH force my heart enchains, 
That notaig ever can impair 
The empire fhe pofleffes there. 
Who digs for ftoncs of radiant ray. 
Finds bafer matter in his way : 
The worthlefs load he may contemn. 
But prizes dill, and feeks the genu 

But I hear mufic ! What can this be > All the villa- 
jgets arc coming this way— it fcems like a wedding— 
I'll retire ■■ H ow I ehvy this couple ! 

Ruf. Cbanmng ! He bas hid himfeU^pretend not to 



fee hiffl—ddn^t turn jo\u liead that ^waj— he's looking 
tt 70Q now ! 

Ztftt. How cruel, not to let meliave one look ! 

& No, you muft look at nobodj but me now : f 
im the bridegroom, you know. 

Ruf, Jenny, be furc you play your part welL 

Jen, Ne?er fear me— My part?s a much more difiicuTt 
oac than they imagine, [-r^«id^. 

Jenny, wbojits down to /pinning^ and Heoxy^ vAo comfs 
forward String her Jong. 

Somehow my fpindle I miflaia. 
And loft it underneath the fra(s : 

Dam<m advancing, bowM his head. 
And faid. What feek you pretty lafcf 
A little love, but urgM with care. 
Oft leads a heart, and leads it £». 

Twas pafling nigh yon fpreading oak. 
That I my fpindle loft juft now : 

His knife then kindly Damon tod^ 
And from the tree he cut a bough» 
A little love, fcc. &cc. 

Thus did the youth his time employ. 
While me he tenderly beheld ; 

He talk'd of love 5 I leapM for joy % 
For ah I my heart did fondly yield. 
^ A little love, &c. &c. 

««. Good day, young woman.- 

Jen. {JingsJ) *Twas paffing nigh, &c, 

-"<?»• Young woman ! 

Jen. {Jings,^ 'Twas pafling nigh, &c. 

Hen. Pray teU me, what weddnig that is ? 

Jen. What ! that wedding ? 

Ren, Yes. 

Jen, Do you want to know whofe. wedding it is > 

Hen,, Ay y ay. 

Jen, What, that wedding that went paft ? 

Hen, Yes, yes. 

Jen, Why, 'tis a wedding in the village here. 

Hen, But whofe, I aik you ? 

B 3 Jen. 

^% *nu: jytsEKTEKm \d5i I» 

Hen. Are you making a jefl of me ? anfwer me^ I beg 
of you. 

Jen . Why, I do anfwer you, don^ I ? [Sings^ 

Hen. What, again ! Whofe is this wedding ? Whofo 
is it ? Speak, or rU— Did I not fee amongft them ?— 
Diftra£lion ! W ill yoii anfwer, you ? 

Jen, Lord, you are fo impaticut I why, then, the wed* 
4iiig 18 Louifa's, old Ruflet^s daughter, the invalid foU 

Hen. Louifa^s wedding! 

Jen. Yes \ (he was married yeflerday. 
" Hen. Married !. Good heavens I Are you fore of what 
you fey ? Do you know Rufiet ? 

Jen. Do I jLnow him ? to be fure, I do ^ why, he 15 
baililF to the Duchefs. What makes you. ib uneafy ^ 
you feem as if you had an interefl in it. 

Hen. An inter eft in it I Oh ! 

Jen. Dear me, if I remember right, you are the 
young man that every body thought (heM be married 
to. O la ! what wickednefs t^ere is in the world 1 I 
am fure I v«ry iincerely pity you. 

Hen. I am obliged to you for your concern. 

Jen. Nay^ it is not more qn your account than my 
own, that I am uneafy. 

Hen. How fo ? 

Jen. Why, (he was not content with making you mi* 
ferable. but fhe muft make me fo toe : the vile wretch 
ihe's married tq, has perjurM himfelf ^ for he has ^orn 
a thoufand a nd a thoufand times to marry me. 

Hen. What falfehood and treachery ! 

Jen. If I was you, I would not bear it quietly: not 
but ftie'd blazon it all out, for I tax'd her with it my* 
felf 5 and fhe only laugh 'd in my face, and told me that 
you and I might go mourn together, like two turtles^ the 
lofs of our mates. 
' ^Hen. Infulting creature J 

J^n. Yes J and for my part, I faid to myfelf, fays I, 
*T would be a good joke to take her at her word : but 
then again I thought, that though revenge is fweet, yet 
people have their Ukings and their diilikings y and as for 



Aff£ fUE 0ESE1lTE]t« 3 1 

ite, to be Aire, I canH pretend to fncli a good joamg 
mm as you. 

Hen, (not regarding iter,) IbGmhous wretch ! Well 
night (he keep her eyes fixM upon the ground ; but Pll 
iee her, upbraid her with her infidelity, and leave her tm 
the guilty reproaches of her own ungrateful heart. 
Jen, Young man— — 
Hen, {returmingJ) Well, what do you fey ? 
Jpfi. I beliere you did not rightly hear what I bid* 
Hems Oh, I have no tine for trifling. 
Jen. Poor foul, how he takes it to heart ! But I muft 
feOow \aai 'j iot if I lofe this opportunity, I may not 
find it eafy to get another. But ftay, upon fecond 
thoughts, if I can but m^e a tool of fSimkm, and by 
that means alarm Looifa, I (hall every way gain my 
ends -, {mt if &e once believes him capable i^ flighting 
het, I am fure (he has too much fptrit ever to feehim 

Enter Stmkin. 
Sim. Oh, Jenny, I am glad I have found you \ what 
do you thid& lMX>ught me away from Lomfa and them f 
Jen. I neither know nor care. 
Sim. Why, I was afraid youM be jealous* 
Jen. I jealous ! 

Sim. Why, yes, you know, becaufe I pretended ta 
he Louifa's huiband. 

Jen. No ^ Pd have you to know I am not jealous \ 
I am only vex^d to think I have been fuch a fool to liflen 
to you fo long, you bafe creature you. 

Sim, If I did not tlunk there was fomething the mat« 
tcr, by your looking fo crofs. 

Jen. And enough to make one : you know I can't 
help loving you ^ and this is the way you return my af« 

Sim. Why, you know 'twas only in play. 
* Jen. In play \ 1 could fee plain enough how your 
eyes fparkled upon the bare mention of being the bride- 

5ow. Now Jenny, if you would but hear me fpea k ■■ »■ 
^en. Speak ! get out of my fight, you perjiir'd 
•^ wretch ! 

B 4 

'3^ THK DESERTER, AEf //. 

wretch ! I was fool enough not to credit what I heard 
©f you 5 but I dare fay 'tis all true. 

Sim, Why, what did you hear of me ? ' 

Jen. That it was you who invented all the reports 
about Henry, 

Stm. Me ! As I ain a living Chriftian, Jenny—— 

Jen. Don't fay a word to me j you have made me 
miferable, and now you want to infult me. 

Sim, Indeed I don't \ you can't think now how hap-> 
py I could make you, if you would only hear me three 

Jen, Don't talk to me of happinefs, for I never iSiall 
be happy as long as I live. 

Sim. How dearly ihc loves me ! what a pity it is (he 
won't let me clear up this aflFair > [To himfeljl 

Jen, And then that demure little minx j oh, I could , 
tear her eyes out ! I was always afraid of it } and now I 
am convinc'd, that her pretended love for Henry was 
nothing but a contrivance to blind me the eader. 

Sim. Dear, dear 

Jen. Butj however, you have both mifs'd your 2im>,i 
for Henry behaves as he ought to do, and holds her arts 
in contempt ^ nay, he told me himfelf he bad fiii'd. his 
affeiElions on a more worthy objedl* 

Sim He did ! 

Jen Yes, he did J and you may go and tell her fa.: 
find as for me, 

AIR vni. 

Mr. Simkin, I'd have you to know, 
That for al^your fine airs, 
I'm not at my laft pray'rs. 
Nor put to it fo, 
' That of courfe I mull take up with you > 
For I really, JSir, think, that though hufhands are few, 

I need not go far off to feek, 
For a better than you any day of the week. 
To be fiire, I muft own, I was foolifh enough 
To believe all the tendernefs, nonfenfej.and fluff, 
Which for ever you dinn'd in my ears j 
And when for a while you've been out of my fight, 
^ The day has been r .mfortlefs, dreary at night, 
And my only companions my tears ; 

. But 


But now that's all o'er \ 
I liitc yoD, defpile you, will fee you no more. 

[Exa let 

Sin. Why, lyliat the deuce hai got bold of her ? 

BT flare, I believe all the folks in our Tillage »re g 

mi— load .' I'cod, I^ll be hang'd if any bedlanutc* 

MClo luad as folks id love. 

' The whims of folks in love to know, 

' I believe would feirly poEe Old Nick ; 
' Tfaii moment fall^-Dcxt moment flow ; 
' Now confenting, 
' Now repenting, 
' Nor at this or that will ftlck ; 

* But changing ftill, 

' They woD't — they will 

' When they mean Yes, they'll anfwet No ^ 

* Aod fume and fret, 
' This hour to get 

' Wltdt they diflik'd an hour ago. 
' If you eipeft to find them here, 
' To t'other fide they quickly Teer ; 

' The wind and tide, 
' Id the fame mood will longer ^ide, 
' Like two fond turtles fide by fide L 
' This hour they woo, 
' And btllandcool 
' Then by-and-by, 
' No reafon whjr 
' They make the devil and all to do." fJ 

Scene cbanget. 
Enter a party of SoLlitri, oflet-warJi Henry. 
' Sold. I'lJ lell you, my boys, how the matter fta 
'' *e can but catch hold of him. ihc/imanam homi. 
'lie thing ij this, he'll be firft tried, and then (hot. 
I &/. Yes ; but fuppofe we don't catch hold of 1; 

3 U. Why then he'll neither be tried noi ihoU 

4 S<Jd. Na more he won't. 

^U. But I have been thinking how we^fliaU d 
•W" hinu 

iSUd. Ay, you are a fool in thefe matters; VH 
TM ho* »ou'U know him ; here ! here '. I've got 

34 '^B DESERTKR* AB h 

nanie and his marks. {Reading.) Hanttibald Firebrand^ 
iix foot and an inch high, of an orange tawny com-* 
plevion, a Roman nofe^ and the letters R» "F. burnt in 
the palm of his hand ^ the devil's in it if we can mifs 

^ 3 Sold, Well, but yon need not have taken all this- 
pains, for you know he was your pot-companion. 

1 Sold. Faith, I forgot that* 

2 Sold, And would you go lift your hand againft your 
friend ? - ' 

1 Sold, Againft my friend \ ay, agakift my father, if 
be was to defert : but ftay, iland by, perhaps this is be ! 

\They draw bathm. 
Hen. Where ihall I fly ! the unhappy have no friends \ 
all I meet make a feoff of my fu^ferings. 

2 Sold. It muft be him. 
I Sold. K6ep back. 

Hen. Are the inhabitants of this place turned brutes I 
have they no compafiion ? ' 

I Sold. There you fee how it is, none of the people 
-will fcreen him, they are honeft, and refufc to do itj 
V\\ take care the king (hall know what good fubjeds he 
has. ^ ' * 

Hen. At my home, where I expe6);ed to receive la 
kind a welcome^ I am furrounded with enemies. 

1 Sold. There ! there I be fays he expelled to receive 
* a kind ■^^elcome from the enemy, 

2 Sold. So he does. 

Hef2, To defert one fo kiad ! 
. I Sold. Ah, Hwas an infamous thing of you, fure e- 


Hen. Life is not worth keeping upon fvch terms, and 
this inftant could I lay it down with pleafure. 

I Sold. Mark that I 

Hen. I'll go diredly, and— — 

*i Sold. (Jfoppiing him.) Not fofaft, if you pleafe :— 
Hey ! why, this is not the dcferter that's my friend.. But 
no matter, one deferter's as good as anothtr. 
. Hen. Do you fufped me for a deferter ? 

I Sxtld No, we don^t fufpeft you y we know you for 
ene. ** 

Hen. Mc ? 


MIL Tni>ts£&Tn» 35 

I &///. Me ! yes, you. How ftrangc you make of this 
matter ! Why, did we not hear you confefs that you cx- 
pcded a kind welcome from. the enemy? — I'll tell you 
vrhat, I am not fond of making people uneafy, but every 
word you hare uttered will be a bullet in your guts. 

Hen. What if I favour this, and fo get rid of all my 
woes at once— -Oh, Louifa, you have broke my heart ^ 
I Sold. What arc you talking to yourfelf about ?— 
Come, come, you are a deferter, and mull go with us. 

Hen. Shall I or not ?— by Heav'n, I will !-^I own it, 
I am a deferter— ^lead me where you pleafe. 

I ^Id. There, he confefles it, and we fiiall have th/:? 

. A I R X.' 

Ill fly thefe groves, this hated (hade > 
£ach found I hear, each thing I fee^ 
Reminds me, thou perfidious maid ! 
Of vows fo often made by thee. 
Blufh, blufh, Louifa ! aod look there \ 
Where's now thy truth ? oh, tell me where ?* 

Thy conilancy's no more j 
And like a wretch, by tempell toft. 
My peace is gone, nay, hope is loft, 
I fink in fight of {hor« ! 

Firjl and Second Soldier^ 
Come, brother, come 

Third and fourth Soldier. 
We muft be gone*- 
Yes, yes, I'll fly to death— —lead on. 

Fi^^ Secondy Tbirdy and Fourth Soldier^ 
Come then. 

And yet, O cruel fate I 
Firflf Second, Third^ and Fourth Soldier* 
He's de?ili(h loth. V ,. 

A minute ftay^ 
One inftant, e'er I'm dragg'd away. 
Firfl, Secondy Third , and Fourth Soldier* 

You bavB confefs'd 'tis now too late. 

J&6 ACT 


$6 TOE DESERTERt #^<^ //• J 



Scene, A prifon^ a table ^ and fome old chain) Flintj 

who, while he /peaks ^ puts the Jlage in order\ Henry 

walks about dijlurbed\ and afterwards Skirmish, *wha 

comes on as Flint goes off the Jlage* 

There's fome water for you to drink \ a table and a 
chair, and yonder's your bed •, but if you go on at the 
rate you have begun, there will be no great trouble ia 
maj^ng it I am a deferter, I have deferted \ I be- 

lieve you'll find you had better not have confefsM quite 
fo foon :---Why, what a devil of a fellow you muft be ! 
But come, as I faid before, there's fom« water for you 5 
— and if you choofe to have any thing bette r mo- 
ney, d'ye fee — you under (land me right — ^for money— 
and, faith, if you have any, you have no great reafon to 
be fpajing of it ;, for I believe your bufinefs will foon 
be fettled Do you choofe any wine ? " 

Hen, No, no. 

Flint. Well, verj well j if you wen't have .wine, you' 
muft drink water. 

Hen. Falfe, falfe Louifa ! — Oh Heaven \ 

Flint, But you feem a little down in the mouth about 
tliis bulinefs \ never mind it, 'twill foon be overj-— yott 
are to fuffer at five : in the mean time I'll fend a lodger 
of mine to you \ he'll put - you in fpirits, by that you 
nave drank a glafs together \ his name is Skirmijh j he's 
a develi(h hearty fellow. [Goes off* 

Hen, That a few hours fhould fink me from the ex- 
])e£lation of fo much liappinefs to thi^ abyfs of mii^ry ! 
Perfidious woman ! 

Skir, Here, my boy > who wants me ? who calls for 
Skirmifh ^ Comrade, did you want me ?. 

Her^ Me ! no. 

Skir, Why, yes, you did. ■ Ho, ho, houfe ! here, 
houfe ! we'll have a glafs together j as we never faw one 
a "Other before, we'll now begin to renew our acquaint- 

}Jen, Can you tell me if I could get a iheet of writing 

» 1 • '1* ^ 

'.*:.>. yos, furely, you ihall have that: here, houfe ! 



hoofe, I fay ! where the devil are you all ? But harkV, 
friend ! what a confounded miftake have you made here > 
a miftake ! damme^ you have made two miftakes I I 
can prove it : in the iirfl place, to defcrt at all, was a 
miflake \ then to confefs it \ oh, damn it, that was a 
miflake indeed S^I am but a filly ignorant fellow \ but 
bad I been in your place, had he been my fergeant, my. 
general, nay, my corporal, I would have laid, No, I 
am no deferter. ^ No, no, my lad, Skirmiih fcorns t» 


Though to have a bout at drinking, 
When I hear the glaifes chinking, 
There's nothing but I'd do or fay. 
Yet Skiimifh ne'er (hall run away. 
For here is his motto, and fo there's an end : 

He's none of your flatf 'rers, who fawn and are civil f 
But ibr country, his bottle, his king, and his friend, 
JLittle SkirmiQi would go half-way to the devijk 
Soldiers often fickle prove. 

Who can know his mind for ever ? 
We forgive you falfe in love, 
But deferters never, never. 

Enter Flint with wine, 

Flint, There's a young woman without, afking for a 
ibldier. {To SkirmiQi.) I fuppofe it mufl be you (he 

Skir. Yes, yes, 'tis me, I warrant you : let her come 
in. {Exit Flint.) But give me the wine {Jets the bottle - 
down on feeing her,^ Enter Louifa. Ah, ah, a fmart 
wench, faith ! 

Hen. Good heavens ! what do I fee ! you here 1 

Lou* Me, Henry ! ' 

Hen, Is it «poflible ! 

Skir, Oh, ho, I fmoke this bufincfs 5 comrade, I'm 
off, I'm off J Ihe's your filler, I fuppofe, or your coufin ; 
but that's no bufinefs of mine. Madam, no offence, [ 
hope ; my name is Skirmilh, I underfland what good- 
breeding is 5 I'm off, brother foldier; faith, fhe's a fine 
girl 1 I'll go and walk a little in the cout-yard — d'ye 
mind me, I'm off— —mum. 



. Hen* This mfult, Louifa, is beyond enduring ! Is it 
not enough \ but I 'will not upbraid you. 

Lou. Hear me but a momeut. 

Hen. Away \ don't I know you faMc ?-— ^-barbarous^ 
faithlefs wretch. 

Skir. {coming on.) Don't mind me \ don^t let me dif- 
turb you : I only come to fetch the wine, lor I belreve 
you don't care to drink \ will you take a fup ? No— -wellyr 
your fervant— — I'm oflF again. 

Hen. It is not from your hands, but from^ your father ^s^^ 
that I (hall expc6l 

Lou. 'Tfs true, my father 

Hen. That -iirfamous old man ! but go— I have no 
more to fay. O Louifa ! I doat upon you flill \ is it 
poflible you can have entirely forgot me ? 

Lou* Believe me, Henry— 

Hen. But with what aflurance — what compofure 

Lou. I (hould not be compos'd, if I was seally tQ» 

Hen. O thout perfidious- woman ! 

Lou, Enjoy your error. 

Hen. My error! 

Lou. With one word I could convince you,. 

Hen. With one word 1 fpeak it then, if you dare; 

Lou. I am not married then. 

Hen. Not married ! 

^ Lou. *Twas entirely my father's doings \ his fchem^' 

* too: 

Hen. O cruel T—rris to no purpofe whether ^twas 

* you or hira. 

* Lou. The Duchefs 

' Hen. DonH name her) you dare not (hew yourfelf 
' to her. 

* Lou. 'Twas her who ordered the whole affair. 

* Hen. How !' 

LoU', What I tell you is true t— fomc reports to you* 
dtfadvantage having reach'd the Ducheft, which I then 
knew, and we have fince found to be falfe, (he ordered' 
this mock- wedding, for fuch only it was, to prove your 
affeftions 5 fo that every thing you faw and heard was 
contrived on purpofe to deceive yoU; acd the whole af- 
fair was but a jokct 


AS H VSB Dt8XK.Tnt* 5^ 

Hen. (Jlitiffg dowm in ibe chair, refit his b^ndt oir the 
idtlf.) Was but a ickt ! 



* Ah ! ceaHe tbis afRl^ion^ your troubles are paft } 

* Of care and difquiet that figh your the laft : 

^ How could you once hsurbour a doubt of my love ^ 
' The girl you conversM with, the feaft, and the reft^ 
*' The mufic and dancing, was all bat a jeft ^ 

^ A frolic, defignM your aflfedtions to prove. 

* Believe me, Louifa, reludaat complyM*: 

* Her father commanded-^^intreaty was vain 5 

^ Or 1 fwear by this hand, I would rather have dy^d, 
*' Than giv^n my Henry a'^moment of pain« 

* Hen. O heaven^s ! my heart will burft/ 

Lou. What means this grief, my love ? do you ftiU 
doubt the truth of what I fay ? ' 

Hen, No, Loufa } His becaufe I believe you. 

Lnt. Here^s my father. Oh, Sir ! I am glad you are 
come. Afk him what^s the matter > make him tell the- 
caufe of his diflrefs. 

Enter Ruflet. 

Ruf, Henry, my dear boy, good day to you ^ I am- 
overjoy^d to fee you ', well, all matters are clearM up, 
2nd you may take Louifa for your pains j whenever you 
will, I give her to you. 

Hen. I befeech you, defire your daughter to ftep into 
the court yard for a minute or two. 

£u/. Why fo ! 

Hen, Oblige me only ^ defire fhe will. 

Rtt/, Louifa, we have fomething to fay to each other t 
ftep.out for a minute or two j I'll call you back pr6- 

Hen, (^taking her handasjbegoes'out») Loniia, His an 
^yt iince I faw you lail. 

Lou, And yet you f|^d me.away from you already. 

Hen. You (hall come back again immediately. 

Ruf. I was furprifed to hear you was put in prison, 

tWgh they tell me His but for a triBe. I am overjoyed 

to fee you> the Duchefs will foon get you releasM, and 

llica— -but,you feem thoughtful. 

Hen, Will you promife me to do whatever I requeft ? 



Ruf, That I will, provided it is in my power. 

Hen. I beg of you to take your daughter away witfr 
you J we muft take leave of one another. 

Ruf, Why, I know that, don't I ? You muft go back 
to your regiment. 

Hen, Well, return hither two days hence, and aik for 
a dragoon named Skirmijb^ he will deliver you a letter > 
and for m e 

Ruf. O, I know well enough what you mean f you'U 
Ifte at the camp \ the king's to be there. 

Hen, Have you command enough of yourfelf not to 
betray any thing to your ' daughter of what I am goiB^ 
to tell you ? 

Ruf, To be fure, I have. 

Hen. I am afraid ihell return before 

Ruf, {looking out,) No, no, we are very fafe» 

Hen, This wedding trick—. 

Ru/l Yes ^ 'twas I manag'd it. 

Hen, It threw me into defpair 

Rrfl Good, very good! I knew it would. 

Hen, And in my fury 

Ru/l Ha, ha, ha ! what, you was furious then ? de«- 
lightful ! . 

Lou, (running in.) O cruel father ! O unfortunate 
accident ! This wedding has undone us all ^ he has con- 
fefs'dhimfelf a deferter, and is condemned to fuffor death*. 

Ruf. What's this I hear ? 

Hen, She knows it all— O torture ! 

Ruf. A deferter ! condemn'd ! Henry, can this be as. 
(he fays ? 

Hen. 'Tis but too true. 

Ru/l Good iieayens 1 

Enter Flint. 

F/int. You are wanted without. 

Hen. Me ! 

F/iru. You — ^you muft go diredlly. 

Hen. Adieu, Louifa ! 

A I R xni 

Adieu ! adieu ! my heart will break y 
This torment's beyond bearing. 


\ ... 

Lou. This fufpcnce is dreadful. [Goes qffl 

Flint. Why, I'll tell you ; I can't abfolutely delay hi9 

execution, but I'll let him have as much wine as ever he 

can drink rWhat, gone ! — Gad, this girl has a ge* 

nerous fpirit. 

Enter Skirmifh, who holds bottle ond glafs in one handy 0' 
Jheet of paper under his arm, and with the pther drags 
in Simkin. 

Siir, Come along, what the devil are you afraid of I 
Here's a young man who wants to fee this foldier> and 
the girl that was here : where are they ? [To Fliat* 
Flint* She's gone away. 
Siir. But where's he ?, 

Flint, He was fent for out to fomc friends 5 he*ll be 
here again, £Exif*i 

Sim. Ifyouplcafe, Sir, I'll follow the gentleman. 
Siir. You and t mud take a glafk together. ■ Sa 
tiiis {oldier is your coufin, is he ? 
Sim. Yes, Sir^ 

Skin Sit yourfelf down, then And he was fent 

here ycfterday ? . 

Sim, Yes, Sir. 

Skir. Well then, fit down, I tell you. 
Sim. But, Sir. 

Skir. Sit down, I fay : fit down there— —heU an4 
fury ! win you fit down when I bid you ? — There !— 
Now we'll take a glafs together) he'll foon be here:- 
Come, fill. 

Sim. Sk^ I thank you, but I am not dry } befides, t 
don't care moch for drinking without knowing my com- 

. Skir, Without knowing your company! Why, yott 
little, ftarv'd fniveling— — an't you in company with a 
gentleman ? But drink this minute, or I'l l 
Sim, I will. Sir, if you won't be angry. 
Skin Not I ; I wont be angry. So you fay that— 
Sim. If Sir ? I did not fay any thing. 
Skir. Well, then, if you did not fay any thing, fing r 
«— fing me a foiig. 

Swi. 1 am not in fpirits for finging. 
Skir. Spiiits ! Why, a fong will raife your fpirits ^ 
come, fing away. 


On ma bssirtA^ f^ 

Sim. Baty Sir, I canH fing. 

Skvr. Ever while yoa live, fiag. 

£)n. Indeed, Sir, I can't. 

»^. You can't ?— Why then, I wilL 

&«• Well ; but, Sir. 

Skir. Sit ftill, I tell yoa. 

Sim, But— -I wi(h you, coufin— 

Skir. He canH be long now \ hear my {bn|{. 

Women and wine compare fo well, 
They run in a perfe£i parallel \ 
For women bewitch us when they will \ 

And fo does wine. 
They make the ftatefinan lofe his ikin^ 
The foldier, lawyer, and divine \ 
They put flrange whims in the graveft fluiIV 
And fend their wits to gather wool. 
Then fince the world thus runs away. 
And women and wine 
Are alike divine, 
Let's love all night, and drink all ^%j^ 

There's fbmething like a long for you ! Now well fing 

Sim, Together ? 

Shir, Ay, both together. 

Sim But, Sir,. I don't know your foag» 

Skir, Why, who the devil wants you to fing my ioag f 

Sim, I never faw fuch a man in my life : How (hall I 
get away from him ? — ^.-Sir I 

Skir, Well, what d'ye fay ? 

Sim, I believe there's fomebody looking £o.r yoa 
jonder ? 

Skir, Is there ? 

\Wbile Skirmilh looks roundy Simkin takes an ofportu^ 
nity of running off^ ' 

Skir, O, you young dog ! I'll be after you : But 
fiaj, here comes the poor unfortunate yo^ng man his 

Enter Henry. 

Skir, How are your fpirits ? Take a fip of this : Oh^ 
Iicre's your writing paper» 

44 ^>E DESBKTSK. A^ 11^ 

Htk. Thank you, friends— Oh, my heart 1 I wi(h I 
' could have feen ,Louifa once more* [Sits down to nvrke^ 

Skir, Ah, you're a happy man, you can write ! 
(Loud*) Oh, my curfed flars, what a wretched fellow I 
am ! ' 

Hen. Why, what's the matter ? [^Looking roun^^r 

Skif. The matter ? — Confufion ! — I blulh to fay it j. 
but fince ii mufl out, what will you fay to fuch a poor 
niiferable— and, but for this one misfortune, fit to be a 
general : if I had known how to vyrtte, I might have had 
« regiment five years ago ^— -but company is the ruin of 
us all ; drinking with one, and drinking with abother : 
Why, now here j I was in hopes here I (hould be able to 
fludy a little 5 but the devil a bit j no fuch thing as get- 
ting the bottle out of one's hand:— ah, if I could hold 
the pen as I have held the bottle, what a charming hand 
I ihould have wrote by this time ? 

Jlen, Skirmi{h« do me one favour. 

Sit'r. What is it ? 

Hen, May I depend upon you ? 

Sitr, To the laft drop of my blood. 

Hen. Promife me to deliver this letter. 

Siir. I'll go direaiy. 

Hen, You can't go with it now 5 — ^you arc a prifoner^ 
you know. 

Sktr, Damn it, fa I am ^ I forgot that :«— .well, but 
to-morrow I fliall have my liberty j and then ■ ■ ■ 

. Hen, A perfon, whofe name is Rujfet^ will be here to 
inquire after me \ deliver it to him.. 

Skir, May I perifti if I faiR 

Hen, X»et me fpcak to y«>u. [7i^ talk apart^ 

Enter Margaret, Jenny, €md Simkin. 

Marg, Yes, yes, you vile huffy, 'twiis all your fault. 

Jen. Well, have I not confefs'd it ? 

Margi Confe&'d it indeed ! is not the poor young, 
man goin^ to lofe his life; and all upon your account ^ 

Jef^, I own it, I own it ; I never ihall joy myfelf a- 
gain .as Ibng as I live ; I {hall fee his ghoft every night* 

Sim. And it ferves you right j and I'll tell you more 

news for your comfort 5 I would not marry you, now 

you have been fo wicked, if you was worth your weight 

20 gold. ^ - 


Marg, Ab, you need not talk : for joa know well 
' enough jou was told to run after him to call ^im back, 
and joa never once offerM to move. 

Sm, Wby, how could 1 ? I was the bridcgioom, 700 

Jen, See ! there he b ! 

Marg, Blefs us, how alterM he looks ! 

Hen. Good day, aunt \ g ood day, {to tbe others,) 
Giire us leave, brother foldier. 

Skir, Yes, yes, I'll go ! I won't diflurb you : 111 go 
and fee what they are doing j«— I'm afraid no good, for 
the time draws near, 

Marg. Ah, my poor boy I can you forgiTe us ^ Hwaa 
all our doing. 

Jen, No, 'twas ray doing. 

Hen, Let us fay no more about it ; 'twas an nnfortii» 
aate afEair ;' where's Louifa and her father ? 

Morg, Ah, poor man, her father came running int* 
the viUage like one diflraded; flung himfelf on the 
groandf tore his hair ^ we could not get him to ipeak to 

Hen, And Louifa, who has feen her ? 

Sim, We none of us can tell where ihe is. 

Hen, How ! no one know where ike is gone ?-*»Ibmc 
- mxident, fure, has happened to her ? 

Marg, Don't aiHid yourfelf fo. 

Hen, Aunt, if (he is found, I muft rely on you to 
comfort her 5 don't fuffer her 'out of your fight ; this is 
cow all the feryice you can do me ) your nephew muit 
die J for my fake, therefore, look upon her as your 
niece ^ (be (hould have been fo in reality* 

Marg, I promife you. 

Sen, I could wi(h to fee her again* 

Enter Flint ami Skirmifh. 

F/tnt, Comrade, I am forry to bring yon bad news^ 
bat you mufi now behave yourfelf like a man ) the hell* 
hounds aire conung for you. 

Hen, Already ? 

Siw. They are indeed : — ^hcre, here, you'll occafioo 
enough for it ) drink fome of this|k 

j£n. I am oblig'd to you^^-iioae* Auat, aditu! tell 


mj Looifa, I thought on her to mj laft moment ^ and 

•-Kjh, my heart ! bear up a Httle, and I fliall be rid of 

this infupportable mifery. 

A I R XV. 
To die, is nothing 5 it is our end, we know j 
But 'tis a fure rcleafe from all our woe : 
Tis from the mind to fet the body free, 
And rid the world of wretched things like me* 
A thoufand ways our troubles here increafe ; 
"Whilft care fucceeding care deflroys our peace : 
Why fly we then ? what can fuch comfort give ? 
We ceafe to fuffcr when we ceafe to live. 

- (During tbe/ang, a Meffenger comes OHy and talks tvitb 

* Marg. Oh, Lord, what ftiall we do ? IM give all I 
have in the world to prevent it. 

' Sim. And for me, IM part with the very cloaths off 

* my back, 

* Jen, If you could but 'fee Louifa ! 

* Marg. Ay, if yon could but fee Louifa ! 

* Jen, We'll give you, Sir, all thcmoney we have, if 
' you'll only ftay till we fetch the young woman that 

* was here juft now, 

* FKnt. Well, I'm fure nobody can fay, but as how 

* I am always ready to ferve every body I can :-i^What 

* have you got ? 

^ Marg. Why, here's a Uttle piece of gold, and fome 

* fiiver. 

' Jen. And here's my little ftock ^ I'm fure, every 

* farthing. 

* Sim. And there's all mine. 

* Flim. Well, good nature is my pride and pleafure : 

* are you fure you have given me alH 
^ Marg. I am fure I have. 
*Jen. And <b have I. 

^ Sim. And I too indeed. 

* Flint. Why, then, what figni&es hiding good news J 

* The young man's rcpriv'd. 
< Hen. How? 

^ flint. Here's a me&nger £K>m the tamp* 

* HetK ycx Hie fit down. 

' Marg. I (hall die witk pleafure. 

Sim, Lord, Lord, I (hall leap out <rf mj ikin.* 

Emer RuJfet* 
£«^ Where is he ^ wheie*s m^ b(^, my {bo ? Lootiay 
Henry, has done it all ! Looifa has fay'd your life ! 
Hen, Charming ang^l ! T ell me how, dear Sir ! 
Ritf, As the army were retaniing to the camp, aflift* 
ed in her refolatioa by her love for yoo, to the aftoiu(h« 
ment of all who (aw her, (he mihM like lightning thro* 
the ranks, made her way to the king himfelf, fell at his 
feet and, after modeftly relating the circumftanccs of 
thy innocence and her own diftrefs, vowM never to rift 
till (he obtained the life of her lover. The king having 
heard her ftory with that clemency which always accom« 
panies a noble miod^ granted thy life to her intesceffion : 
and the pomp pafied on amidft the acclamations of tho 

Hen. Charming, generoos creatore ! 
^Skir, Death and damnation ! 
FJixr, Why, what ails thee Skirmi(h P 
Skir, The king- at the camp, and i not there* 
Sun. I fhall love my confin Louifa for it as long as I 

Ruf, The king wept, aikTthe nobles fillM her lap with 
Bonry ; which ihe threw to the ground, left it (hould 
retard her in her way to yon* 

Hen, How can I reward fuch tenderaefs ! 
Ruf, See, (ice, here (he comes. 

Enter Louifa. 
Lm» My Henry ! {_Falling into bit arms* 

Hen, My Louifa ! 

My kind preferver ! fain I'd fpeak. 

Fain would I what 1 feel exprefs ^ 
But language is too poor, too weak^ 
To thank this goodnefs to excefs. 
Brothers, companions, age, and youth, 
Oh, tell to all the world her fame ! 
And when they a(k for faith and truth, 
JLepeat my dear Loui^^s name* 

TAB DfiS£RT£ll« .^f^t 

And have I favM my Henry*s life > 

Dear father, in my joy take part : 
^I now indeed fhall be a wife. 

Wife to the idol of my heart. 
Thus when the Horm, difperfing, flies, 

Through which the failor's forcM to ftecr f 
No more he dreads inclement flcies, 

But with the tempeft leaves his fear. 


Why, why, I pray you this delay ? 

Children, your hands in wedlock join. 
That I may pafs my hours away 

In eafe and peace through lifers decline. 
This joy^s too great \ my pride, my boaft I 

Both, both in my affection (hare ^ 
May who delights the other mofl, 

Henceforward be your only care ! 


I wifh your jdy may hold you long ^ 

But yet I am not fuch a fot, 
As not to fee you all are wrong \ 

Why is the king to be forgot ? 
You had been wretched but for him : 

Then follow Skirmifh, dance and fing ^ 
Raife every voice, Urain ev'ry limb, 

^Huzza ! and cryi long live the king ! 







"^ Zae. Fungus, 
Mr, Ifaac Fm^s, 
Mr. Gnd, 

Dr. CaiTvt^ 

Mr. Harpj^ 
^« Fkur^ 

Mrs. Mechlin, 
Mrs. Ltveit. 

M EN. 


Hay Mariet. 
Mr. Foote. 
Mr. CoftoU<i^ 
Mr. Shoter. 
Mr. Davit. 
Mr. Parfoos. 
Mr. Prefton. 
Mr. Gardner. 
Mr. Keen. 
Mr. Ttndal. 
Mr. Johnfoo. 
Mr. MarihaL 
Mr. Parfoas. 

Mi& Cheney. 
Mrs. Shater. 
Mtfs Reynolds 
Mn. Granger. 


Scene, Mrs, MechlinV Hot^fcm 

\Loud knocking at the door,'] 

Enter Tei^ny. 

*^AP, rap, rap, up-flairs and down, from morning !• 
night 5— — -if -tbis fame commiiTary (lays much longer 
anJODgft us, my miftrefs muft e'en hire a porter. Who's 

VuL, IV, C Simoji 


Simon without, 

Sim, Is Mrs. Mechlin at home ? 

Jen, No. {Opens the door.^ Oh ! what, is it you, Si- 

Enter Simon. 

Sim. At your fervice, fweet Mrs. Jane. 

^^n.^'^hy, you knock with authority 5 and what are 
•your commands, Mafter Simon ? 

Sim. I come; Madam, to receive thofe of your miftrefs. 
What, Jenny, has fhe any great affair on the anvil ? 
Her fummons is mod exceedingly prefUng ; and you 
(Heed not be told, child, that a man of my confequence 
does not t rouble. himfelf about trifles. 

jfen. Oh, Sir, I know very well, you principal aftors 
don't perform every night. 

Sim. Mighty wfU, Ma'am ; but, notwithftanding 
your ironical fneer, it is not every man that will do £or 
your miftrefs 5 her agents muft have genius and parts : 
I don't fuppofe, in the whole bills of mortality, there 
is fo general and extenfive a dealer as my friend Mrs. 

Jen. Why, to be fure, we have plenty of cuftomers, 
and for various kinds of commodities 5 it would be pretty 
difficult, I fancy, to 

Sim, Commodties ! Your humble fervant, fweet Mrs. 
Jane J yes, yes, you have various kinds of commodities, 

Jen. Mr. Simon, I don't underftand you : I fuppofe 
it is no fecret in what fort of goods our dealing coa- 

Sim. No, no 5 they are pretty well known. 

Jen. And, to be fure, though now and then, to bb- 
Jige a cuftomer, my miftrefs does condefcend to fmuggle 
a little , 

Sim. Keep it up, Mrs. Jane. 

Jen. Yet there are no people in the liberty of Weft- 
minfter that live in imore credit than we do. 

' Sim. Bravo ! 

* Jen. The very beft of quality arc not afhamM to vl- 
^ fit my miftrefs. 

* Sim. They have reafon. 

* Jen. Refpefled by the jueighbouis^ 

- Sim. 


' Sim, I know it. 

' JeR, Pun^ual in her payments. 

* 5wi. To a moment. 

* Jen, Regular hoars. 
*■ Sim^ Doubtlefs. 

' Jen, Never mifs the farmant on Sundays. 
' Sim, I own it. 

' Jen, Not an oath comes out of her mouth, nnlefs 
' •BOW and then, when the poor gentlewoman happens 

* to be overtaken in liquor. 

* Sim, Granted. 

* Jen, Not at all given to lying, but, like other 

* tradesfolks, in the way of her bufinefs.* 

Sim, Very well. 

Jen, Very well ! then pray, Sir, what would you in- 
finuatc ? Look you, Mr. Simon, don't go to cad reflec* 
tioQs upon us 5 don't think to blaft the reputation of 

Svn, Hark ye, Jenny, are you ferious ? 

Jen, Serious ! Ay, marry am I. 

Sm, The devil you are ! 

Jfen, Upon my word, Mr. Simon, you (hould not give 
your tongue fuch a licence f let me tell you, thefe airs 
do not become you at all. 

Sim, Hey-day ! why, where the deuce have I got ? 
Sure, I have miftaken the houfe } is not this Mrs* Mech« 

Jen, That's pretty well k^own. 

Sim, The commodious convenient Mrs. MecUin, at 
the fign of the Star, in the pari(h of St. Paurs ? 

Jen, Bravo ! 

* Sim, That commercial caterpillar ? 

* Jen, 1 know it. 

* Sim, That murderer of manufaflures ? 

* Jen, Doubtlefs. 

* Sim, That walking ware*houfe ? 

* Jen. Granted.' 

Sim, That carries about a greater cargo T)f Contraband 
goods under her petticoats than a Calais cutter ? 
Jen, Very well. 
' Sim, That engrofler and fcduccr of virgins ? 

* Jen, Keep it up,' Matter Simon, 

C a . * Sim. 

^ I 


* Sim, That foreftaller of bagnios ? 

* Jen. Incomparably fine.* 

* Sim, That canting, cozening, money-lending, match- 
making, pawnbroking— — \^Loud kttScking, 

Jen. Mighty well, Sir : here comes my miflrefs j {he 
fhall thank you for the pretty pi£ture you have been 
pleafed to draw. 

Sm, Nay, but, dear Jenny——- 

Jen. She fhall be told how lightly (he ftatids in your 

X Sim^ But my fweet girl (^Knoch again, 

' Jen. Let me go, Mr. Simon ; don't you hear ? - 

Sim And can you have the heart* ^o ruin me at once ? 

Jen. Hands off, • 

Sim. A peace, a peace, my dear Mrs. Jane, and dic- 
tate the articles. 
Enter Mrs. ^echWn^ followed by a hachney-coachman with 

feveral bundles^ in a capuchin^ a bonnet^ and her cloaths 

pinned up. 

Mrs. Mech. So hufly •, what, muft I day all day in the 
flreets ? Who have we here ? The devil's in the wenches, 
I think — One of your fellows, I fuppofe Oh, is it 
you ? How fares it, Simon ? 

Jen. Madam, you fhould not have waited a minute 5 
but Mr. Simon 

Sim. Hufh ! hufti 1 you barbarous jade 

Jen, Knowing your knock, and eager to open the 
door, flew up flairs^ fell over the landing-place, and 
quite barr'd up the way. 

Sim. Yes 5 and iJkm afraid I have put out niy ankle. 
Thanks, Jenny ; you (hall be no lofer, you flut. \^Ajide. 

Mrs. Mech. Poor Simon ! ■■ . Oh, Lord have mercy 

upon me, what a round have 1 taken ? Is the wench 

petrified ? Why don't you reach me a chair ? don't you 
fee I am tired to death ? 

Jen. Indeed, Ma'am, you'll kill yourfelf. 

Sim» Upon my word madam Mechlin, you (hould 
take a little care of yourfelf j indeed you labour too 

Mrs. Mech, Ay, Simon, and for little or nothipg : 
only viftuals and cloaths ; more coft than worftiip— Why 


^L TB£ CO»Il«ISSAlt'7. 53 

does not tKe wench take ihe xl&in|^s from the fcUovf ^ 
We^^liaOs^our fare ^ 

Coach, MiftreCs, His Vkoneftly ^vortb half- 3 -crown. 

hh. Mecb. Give Vim a couple of Qiillin^Sy and lead 
iiim away. 

Coach. I hope you'll tip me tlie tcftcr to drink .' 

Mri. Mecb. Them, there fellows arc never cootenttd : 
Drink I Stand farther off ^ why, you fincU alread/ ^ 
ftio&g as ft heer -barrel. ^ 

C(MicJb. Mi&refs^ that^s becaufe I have already bcea 

Mrs, Mech. And are you not afhamed^ you fiit, to be 

eternaUy guzzling \ Vou had better bay you (bme cloaths. 

Coach. No, midrefs^ my honour won't let me do that* 

Mrs, Mech. Vour honour I And pray how docs that 

Under you ? 

CoMcb. Why, when a good gentlewoman like you crict, 
Heic, coachman, here's fometlung to drink ■■ ■ ■' 
Mri. Mech. Well I 

Coach, Would it be honour in me to lay it out in any 
t^g elfe ? No, miArefe, my confcience wonH let me ^ 
becaufe why» ^tis the will of the donor, you know. 
Mrs. Mech, X>id you ever hear fuch a blockhead ! 
Coach. No, no, miftrefs j though I am a poor man» I 
-wonH forfeit my honour \ my cattle, tfaof, I love 'em, 
fiQOf beaftel£es, are not more dearer to me than that. 

Mrs, Meeh. Yes, you and your horCes give pretty 
ft^ug proofs of your honour y for you have no cloatba 
on your back, and they have no fleih. WeU, Jeany, 
give him the fi^peoce-— There, there \ lay it out at you 

Couch, It will be to your health, miftrefs \ it (hall melt 
at the Meufe before I go home ^ I (hall be careful to 
clear my confcience. 
1 Mrs, Mech, I don't doubt it. 

I Coach* You need not, Miftrefs ^ your fervant. 

|. {^Exii Coach. 

' Mrs, Mech, Has there been any body here, Jenny ? 

I ^en. The Gentleman, Ma'am, about the Gloucefter- 

! ibire living. 

Airs, Mech, He was, Oh ! oh ! what, I fuppofe his fto- ' 
L C 3 machV 

r^ THE commissary; 

macH^s come down. Does he like the incumbrance ? 
he marry the party ? 

Jen, Why, that article feems to go a little agai 

Mrs, Mech» Does it fo ? then let him retire to 
Cumberland curacy : that's a fine keen air, it will i< 
give him an appetite. Hell dick to his honour too, t. 
Vis caflbck is wore to a rag, 

Jen, WJiy, indeed, Ma'am, it feems pretty rufty s 

Mrs. Mecb, Devilifh fqueamifti, I think ; a good f 
Hving, ami a fine woman into the bargain ! You tol 
him a friend of the lady'« will take the child ofiT h 
hands ?— 

Jen, Yes, Madam. 

Mrs. Mech, So that the affair will be a fee ret to a 
but himfelf. But he mull quickly refolvc^ for ncut wc 
his wife's month will be up. 

Jen, He promifed to csill about foun. 
Mrs, Mech, But don't let him think we are at a lofi 
for a huiband \ there is to my knowledge a merchant 
clerk in the city, a comely young man, and cotnes 
good friends, that will ta}$Le her with but a fmall plac 
in the coftomhoufe^ 
Jen, He (hall know it, 

Mrs, Mech* Ay, and tell him that the party's pa 
has intere(l enough to obtain it whenever he will. AncL 
then the bridegroom may put the purchafe- money tooj 
of that fame prefentation into his pocket, 

Jen, Truly, Ma'am, I fliould think this would prove 
the bed match for the lady. 

Mrs', Mech, Who doubts it ? Here, Jenny, carry 
the fe things above flairs. Take care of the* eigrette ; 
leave the watch upon the table, Ai>d be fure you don't 
millay the pearl- necklace j the lady goes to Mrs. Cor- 
neleys's to night % and, if die has any luck', ihe will be 
iure to redeem it to-morrow. 

Sim, What a world of affairs ! it is a wonder. Madam, 
how you are abk to remember them all. 

Mrs, Mech, Trifles, mere trifles, Mafter Simon — But 
I have a great affair in hand — Such an affair, if well 
xiaanaged, it will be the making of us all. ' 



Sim. l( I, Ma'am, can be of the Icaft ufc— • 
3frs, Mecb, Of the higheft ! there's no dotog wtthoot 
Joo ' Y ou know the great—— 

Enter Jenny. 
Jen, I hsive put the things where yoa ordered 

ilrs. Mech, Very well, you may gos Exit Jenny. 
r fay, you know the great commiflary that is come to 
lodge in my houfe. Now they fay this Mr. Fungus is^s 
rich as an Indian- gdi^rnor 5 heaven knows how he came 
by it^ but that, you know, isnobufinefs of ours. Pretty 
pickings, I warrant, abroad; {Loud knocking,) Who 
the deuce can that be ? But let it be who it will, you 
mud not go till I fpeak to you. 

Enter Jcnoy.- 

Jen, The widow Lovcit, Ma'am. 

Mrs. Mecb. What, the old liquorifh dowager from 

Bevooihire Square ? Shew hex in. (ExiL Jenny.) You'll 

wait in the kitchen. Simony I (hall fooo difpatch her a£* 

fur, lExii Simoo. 

Enter /Mrs, Loveit. 
. Mrs. LovL So, fo, good morning to yoa, good Mrs* 
Mechlin. John, lei? the coach wait at the corner. 
Mrs, Meirb, You had- better fit here, Madam. 
A^s, Lov, Any where^ Well, my dear woman, I hope 
you have not forgot your ohi friend — Ugh, ugh, ugh, 
— (jCougbs,^ Confidep I have no time U>lo(e, and you 
are always fo full of employment. 

Mrs. Mech, Forgot you I you (hall judge, Mrs. Lo- 
vcit. I have, Ma'am, provided a whole cargo of huf- 
bands for you, of all nations, complexions, ages, tem- 
pers, and iizes : fo you fee you have nothing to do but 

Mrs. Lov, To choofe, Mrs. Mechlin ! Lord help me. 
what choice can I have ? I look upon wedlock to be a 
kind of a lottery, and I have already drawn my prize ; 
and a great one it was ! My poor dear man that's goue^ 
I (hall never meet with hi:> follow » 

Mrs, Mech, Pflia, Madam, don't let us trouble' our 
heads about him; 'tis high time that he was forgot. 

Mrs, Lov, But won't his relations think me rather too 
qttick ? ^ • 

C 4 Mrs\ 


Mrs, Mecb. Not a jot : the greateft compliment you 
cou'd pay to his memory j it is a proof he gave you rea- 
fon to be fond of the ftate. But what 'do you mean by 
^uick T Why, he has been buried thefe three weeks— 

Mrs. Lov. And three days, Mrs. Mechlin. 

Mrs. Mecb. Indeed ! quite an age. 

Mrs. Lov. Yes :. but I fhall never forget him j fleep- 
ing or waking, he's alway's before me. His dear fwcU'd 
belly, and his poor (hrunk legs ; Lord blefs me, Mrs* 
Mechlin, he had no more calf than my fan. , 

Mrs. Mceb. No ! , 

Mrs. Lov. No, indeed 5 and then, his bit of a purple 
ngfe, and his little weezen face as (harp as a razor 
Don't mention it j I can never forget him \_Cries, 

Mrs. Mecb. Sweet marks of remembrance indeed ! 
But, Ma'am, if you continue fp fond of your lafl; 
huihand, what makes you think of anotjier ? 

Airs. Lov. Why, what can I do, Mrs. Mechlin ? a 
poor lone widow woman as I am 9 there's nobody minds 
me 5 my tenants behindhand, my fervants all carelefs, 
my children undiitiful — Ugh, .ugh, ugh-^ [^Coughs. 

Mrs. Mecb. You have a villainous ceugh, Mrs. Lo- 
veit ^ ihall I fend for foi^e lozenge^ ? 

Mrs. Lov. No, I thank you, 'tis nothing at all 5 mere 
habit } juft a little trick IVe got. 

Mrs. Mecb. But I wonder you ihou'd have all thefe 
vexations to plague you, Madam, you who are £0 rich^ 
and fo 

Mrs. Lov. Forty thoufand in the four-per-cents every 
morning I rife, Mrs. Mechlin, befidcs two houfes at 
Hackney ^ but then my affairs are fo weighty and intri^ 
cate J there is fuch tricking in lawyers, and fuch tor- 
ments in children, that I can't do by myfelf 5 I muft 
have a helpmate : quite neceflity, no matter of choice. 

Mrs. Mecb. Oh, I underftand you : you marry merely 
for convenience j juft only to get an afliflant, a kind of 
a guard, a fence to your property ? ^ 
^ Mrs, Lav Nothing elfe. 

Mrs. Mecb. I thought fo j quite prudential ; fo that 
age is none of your objed : you don't want a fcamper- 

ing, giddy, fprightly, young ^ 


^ Jdll, THS OOMMHSART. 57 

Mrs.LofD, Young'! — ^Heaven forbid. Wliat, doyoa 

thkik, like fbme ladies I know» that I want to have my 

iiu/band taken for one of my grandchildren P No, no ; 

tliaok Heaven, fuch vain thoughts never cnterM my 


Mrf, Mech. But yet, as your matters (land, he ought 
not to be fo very old neither \ for in (lance now, of what 
ufe to you would be a huibaad of (ixty ? 

Mrin Zo^. Sixty ! Are you mad, Mrs* Mechlin \ what, ^ 
do you think I want to turn nurfe ? 

Mrs. Mech. Or fifty-five ? 

Mrs, Lov. Ugh, ugh, ug h 

Mrs, Mecb. (3r fifty ? 

Mrs. LoVm Oh ! that's too cunning aa age \ m en, 
now-a-days, rarely marry at fifty ^ they are too knowing 
and cautious. 

Mrs, Mecb, Or forty-five, or forty, or— 

Mrs, Lo^, Shall 1, Mts. Mechlin, tell you a piece of 
my. mind ? 

Mrs. Mecb. I believe. Ma'am, that will he your bed 

Mrs, Lov, Why then, as my children are young and 
rebellious, the w^ay to fecure and preferve their obe- 
dience will be to marry a man that wonU grow old in 
a hurry. 

Mrs. Alecbm Why, I thought you declared againft 

M^s, Lov, So I do, fo I do ^ but then, fix or feven 
and twenty is not fo very young, Mrs. Mechlin. 

Mrs. Mech. No, no, a pretty ripe age : for at that 
time of life men can budle and ftir ^ they are not eafily 
checked, and whatever they tal^ein hand they go through 

Mrs. Lov. True, true. 

Mrs. Mecb. Aj, ay, it is.the1i they may be faid to 
be ufefuj \ it is the only tear and wear feafon. 

Mrs. Lov^ Right, right* 

Mrs, Meeb. Well, Ma'am, 1 fee what you want , and 
to-morrow about this time, if you'll do me the favour 
to call ■ ■ 

Mrs. Loy. I (haa't fail. 

C 5 Mrs* 


Mrs. Mecb, I think I can fuit you. * 

Mrs, Lov. Yoii^ll be very obliging* 

Mrs, Mecb, You may depend upon^t, I'll do my cn-- 
deavours. • 

Mrs. Lov, But, Mrs Mechlin, be fure don't let him 
be older than that, not above fcvcn or eight and twenty 
at nioft 5 and let it be asfoon as you conveniently can. 

Mrs, Mech, Never fear, Ma'^am. 

Mrs, Lov, Becaufe, you know, the more children I 
have by the fecond venture, the greater plague i (halL 
prove to thofe I had by the firft. 

Mrs, Mecb, True, Ma'am, you had ^better lean on. 
me to the door : But, indeed^ Mrs. Loveit, you are very- 
malicious to your children, very revengeful indeed. 

Mrs, Lov, Ah, they defervc it \ — ^you can't think, 
what fad whelps they turn out \ no puniftiment can be. 
too much ; if their poor father cou'd but have forefeen. 

they would have why did \ mention the dear man ? 

it melts me too much. Well, peace be with him.— — 
To-morrow about thi» time, Mrs. Meohlin, will the pari- 
ty be here, think you ? 
Mrs, Mech, I can't fay. 

Mrs. Lov, Well, a good day, good Mrs. Mechlin.. 
Mrs, Mecb, Here, John, take care of your miftrcfj; 

5 Exit Mrs. Loveit^. 
enny, bid Simon 
come up.— *A hufband ! there now is a proof of the pru- 
dence of age 5 I wonder they don't add a claufe to the 
ad to prevent the old from marrying clandeflinely as. 
well as the young; I am fure there are as many un-^ 
Suitable matches at this time of life as the other* 

Enter Simon. 
Shut the door, Simon, Ate there any of Mr. Fungus's* 
fervants below ? 

Sim, Three or four ftrange faces. ^ 

Mrs.'Mech, Ay, ay, fome of that troop, I fl|ppof4^*-.. 
Come, Simon, be feated. — ^Well> Simon, as I was tell-, 
ingf-you \ this Mr. Fungus, my lodger above, that ha», 
brought home from the wars a whole cart'-loaS of money, 
and who (between you and I) went there from verjr. 
Uttle better than a driver of carts 
Bim* I formerly knew him, Ma'am» 


Mrs. Mecb, But he does not know you ? 
San, No, no. 

Mrs. Mecb. I am glad of that — This fpark, I (aj, not 
content with being leally as rich as a lord,. is determined 
to rival them too in every other accomplithment. 

Sm. Will that be fo eafy ? why he mod be upwards 

Mrs., Mecb. Fifty, I warrant. 

Sim. Rather late ia life to fet up for a gentleman. 

Mrs. Mecb. But fine talents, you know, and a llrong 

Sim. That, indeed- 

^Irs Mecb. Then, I promife you, he ^ares for no pains. 

Sim. Diligent ! 

Mrs. Mecb» Oh, always at it. Learning fbmething or 
ether from morning to nighty my houfe is a perfed aca- 
demy, fuch a throng of fencers, dancers, riders, muiicians 
—bat however, to fweetcn the pill, I have a fellow* 
feeling for recommending the teachers. 

Sim. No doubt. Ma'am, that's always the rule. 

Mrs. Mecb. But one of his iludies is reaUy diverting j. 
I own 1 can't help ll^ghiDg at that. 

Sim. What may that be ? 

Mrs. Mecb. Oratory. — You know his fir ft ambition is- 
to have a feat in a certain af&mhly ^ — ^and in order to 
appear there with credit, Mr. What d'ye Call'um, th» 
man from the city, attends every morning to give him a 
]e£iure upon fpcaking, and there is fuch haranguing and. 
hellowing between them — Lord have mercy upon-»-but 
you'll fee enough on't yourfelf j for, do you luDOW, Si- 
mon, you are to be his valet de chambre ? 

Sim. Me, Madam ! 

Mrs. Mecb. Ay, his pnvy counfeUor, his confident^ 
his direflor in chief. 

Sim. To what end will that anfwcr ? 

Mrs. Mecb. There 1 am coming— You are to know,, 
that our Squire Wou'd-be is violently bent upon matri- 
mony •, and nothing*, forfooth, will go down but a per- 
fon of rank and condition. . 

Sim. Ay, ay, for that piece of pride hc^s indebted to- 

Mrs^.Mecb^ TJie article of fortune he- holds i^ utter 

C 6L goo* 


contempt *y a grand alliance is all that he wlints \ {o that 
the lady has but her veins full of high blood, he does not 
care two-pence how low and how empty her purfe is. 

Sim. But, Ma^am, won't it be difficult to meet -with 
a fuitable fvibjeft ? I believe there are few ladies of qua- 
lity that—— 

Mrs. Mecb. Oh, as to that, I am already provided* 

Sim.* Indeed ! 

Mrs,' Mech. You know my niece Dolly ? 

Sim, Very well. 

Mrs.\Mecb. What think you of her ? 

Sim. Of Mils Dplly, for what > 

^ Mrs, Mech, For what ! you are plaguily dull 5 why, 
a woman of faihion, you dunce. 

Sim. To be fure Mifs Dolly iS very deferving, and few- 
ladies havj;, a better appearance ) but, blefs me, Madam, 
here people of rank are .fo generally known, that the 
flight eft inquiry would poifon your projeft. ' 

Mrs. Mecb. Oh, Simon, I have no fears from that 
quarter \ therp, 1 think I am pretty fecure. 

Sim^ If that, indeed, be the cafe— — 

Mrs. Mecb. In the firft place, Mr. Fuagut has an ea- 
tire reliance on me. * 

Sim. That's fomething* 

Mrs^ Mecb, Then to baffle any idle curiofity, we are 
not derived from any of your newfangled gentry, wh^ 
owe their upftart nobility to your Harrys and Edwards.: 
No, no 'y we ^e fcions from an older flock ^ we are the 
hundred and fortieth lineal defcendant from Hercules 
Alexander, £arl of Glendowe^, prime minifter to King; 
Malcolm the Firfl. 

Sim. Odfo ! a qualification for a canon of Strafburgh.. 
So then» .it feems, you are tran planted froni the banks 

of the Tweed j cry you mercy ! But how will Mifs 

Dolly be able to manage the accent ? 

Mrs. Mech, Very well 3 flie was two years an a^befs 
in Edenborough. ^ ' 

Sim. That's true j — is the overture vnade, has there 
been 2^n interview ? 

Mrs, Mecb. Several; we have no diijike to his per- 
fon ; can't but o^rn he is rather agreeable \ and as to his 
j^ropofals, they are greatet thaa we cou'd dsfire :— £ut 



ABI, Tss coMinssA&r« 6^ 

we are prudent and careful, fay notbin^ wfthout tke 
£arl 's approbation • 

Sim, Oh, that ^vrill be eafily had. 

Mrt. Mecb. Not ib eafily j and now comes your part : 
bot firft, how goes the world with you, Simon ? 

Sim, Never worfe \ the ten bags of tea, and the cargo 
fS. brandy, them peering raicals took from me in Suficx, 
has quite broken my back. 

Mrs, Mecb, Poor Simon ! why then I am afraid there *s 
an end of your traffic ? 

Sim, Totally : for, now thofe fellows have got the Ifle 
of Man in their bands, I have no chance to get haane, 
Mrs. Mechlin. 

Mrs, Mecb, ,Tben you are entirely at leifure ? 

Sim. As a Bath turnfpit in the month of July. 

Mrs. Mecb, You are then, Simon, an old family-fer* 
vant in waiting bere on the lady \ but difpatcbed to the 
"North witb a view to negociate the treaty, you are juft 
returned with the noble peer^s reiblution. Prepare you 
a foitable equipage ; I will provide you with a couple of 
Utitis, one for the lover and one for the lady. 

Sim, The contents ?•— 

Mrs. Mecb. Oh, yt)u may read them within \ now with 
regard to any queftions, I will furoifh you with fuitable 
anfwers — ^but you have a bungler to deal With, fo your 
cards will be eafily playM. 

£/»/^r Jenny. 

Jen, Miis Dolly, Ma'am, in a hackney coach at the 
corner \ may (he come in ? 
^ Mrs. Mecb. Are the fervants out of the way > 
^ Jen. Ob| fhe is fo muffled up and difguifed, that flie^ 
mn no danger from them. 

Mrs^ Mecb. Be fure keep good watcb at the doof, 

Jen, Oh, never fear. Ma'am. {Exit Jcnny^ 

Mrs. Mecb. Simon, take thofe two letters that are 
under the furthermoil cuihion in the window : run hom^, 
get a dirty pair of boots on, a great coat, and a whip, 
and be bere with them in half an hour at farthcfl. 

Sim. I will not fail. But have you no farther direc- 
tions > 

Mrs. Mficb* Time eaougb* I (hall be in the way *, 


62 THfi COMMtSSART* jf3 L 

for it is me that mull introduce you above. (Exit Si- 
mon*) So, things feero now in a pretty good train ^ 
a few hours, it is to be hoped, will make me eafy for 
life. To fay truth, I begin to be tired of my trade. To 
be fure, the profits are great ; but then, fo are the rifks 
that I run : befides, my private pra&ice begins to be 
fmokM. Ladies are fuppos'd to come here with difFe-* 
rent defigns than merely to look at my goods : fome of 
my bed cu(!omers, too, are got out of my channel, and 
manage their matters at home -by their maids. Thoiie 
afylums, they give a dreadful blow to my buiinefs. 
Tiaie has been, when a gentleman wanted a friend, I 
could fupply him with choice in an hour 'y but the mac* 
ket is fpoilM, and a body might as ^n produce a hare 

or a partridge as a pretty" {Enter Dolly.) So» 

niece, are all things preparM ^ have you got the papers 
from Harpy ? 

Dol, Here they are. Ma'am, 

Mrs, Mecb, Let me fee — Oh, the marriage-articles foe 
Fungus to fign. Have you got the contradt about you ? 
Dol. You kopw, aunt, I left it with you. 
Mrs, Mech, True, -I had forgot : but where. is» the 

bond that I Here it is \ this, Dolly, you muii fign. 

and feal before witnefles. . 

Dol, To what end, aunt f 

Mrs, Mech, Only, child, a trifling aknowledgment 
for all the trouble" I have taken \ — a little hint to your 
hufband, that he ifnay reimburfe your poor aunt, for your, 
cloaths, board, lodging, and breeding. 

Dol, I hope my aunt does not fufpe£t that I can ever 
be wanting 

Mrs, Mech, No, my dear, not in the lead j but it is 
bed, Dolly, in order to prevent all r^trofyeftion, that 
we fettle accounts before you change your condition. . 

Dol, But, Ma'am, may not I fee the contents ? 

Mrs, Mech, The contents, love ! of what ufe will that 
be to you ^ Sign and feal, that's enough. 

Dol, ,But, aunt, I choofe to fee what I fign. 

Mrs, Mech, To fee ! what, then you fufpe£i me ? 

Dol, No, Ma'am \ but a little caution — ; — 

Mrs. Mech. Caution ! Here's an impudent baggage ! 
bow dare 70U diijpute my commands.? have not I made 



jouy raifed you from nothing, and won^t a word from 
mj mouth reduce you again ? 

DoL Madam, I— — 

Mrs. Mecb, Anfwcr me, hufiy, was not you a beg* 
gar's brat at my door ; did I not, out of compaflion, take 
you into mylioufe, call you my niece, and give you fuit« 
able breeding ? 

DoL True, Madam.. 

Mrs, Mecb, And what return did you make me ? You 
was fcarce got into your teens, you forward Hut, but you 
brought me a child almoil as big as yourfelf ^ and a de- 
lightful father you chofe for it ! Dod^or Catgut, the 
meagre mufician \ that fick moi^ey-face maker of crot- 
chets ^ that eternal trotter after all the little draggle- 
taird girls of the town. Oh, you low ilut, had it beea 
by a gentleman, it would not have vex?d me ) but a fid- 
dler ! 

DoL For Heaven's fake- 

Mrs* Mech, After that you elop'd, commeac'd UroL 
ler, and in a couple of years returned to town in your 
original trim, with fcarce a rag to your back* 

DoU Pray, Ma'am 

Mrs* Mecb. Did not I, notwithRanding, receive you 
again ? have not I tortured my brains for your good ? 
found you a hufband as rich as a Jew, jud brought all 
my matters to bear, and now you refufe ta fign a paltry 

DoL Pray, Madam, give it me j I will fign, execute^ 
do all that you bid me. 

Mrs, Mecb* You will y jts^ fo you had bcft. And 
what's become of the child, have you done as^I order'di? 

DoL The Dodor was not at home ^ but the Quile left 
the child in the kitchen. 

Mrs. Mecb* You heard nothing from him ? 

DoL Net a word. 

Mrs. Mecb. Then he is meditating ibme mifchief, I: 
warrant. However, let our good flars fecure us to-day, 
and 2L- fig for what may happen to>morrow. It is a little 
unlucky, though, that Mr. Fungus has chofen the Dodcr 
for bis mafier of mufic ) but as yet he has not been here, 
and; if gofiible, we muft prevent him,. 

g4> '^HE COMMIS5AK.7. AS /• 

Enter Jenny bqfiily* 
yen, Mr. Fungus the tallow-chandler^ Ma'am, . is 
crofling the way 5 (hall I fay you are at home ? 

Mrs.Mecb* His brother hath fervants enough^ let fome 
of them anfwer. Hide, Dolly. {^Exii Dolly ««</ Jenny.) 
{One knocks at the door.) Ay, that's the true tap of 
the trader : this old brother of ours, though, is fmoky and 
Ihrewd, and, though an odd, a fenfible fellow : — we muft 
guard againft him : if he gets but an inkling, but the 
-flighted fufpicion, our project is marrM. ■ {^A noife 

without,) What the deuce is the matter ? As I live^ a 
fquabble between him and La Fleur, the French foot* 
man we hir'd this morning. This may make mirth, I^U 
li^en a little. [Retires. 

Enter Mr. Ifaac Fungus, driving in La Bleur, 
' /. Fun, What, k is there nobody in the houfe that can 
give me an anfwer ? where'^ my brother, you rafcal \ 

La Fleur. Je n'^entend pas. 

L Fun* Pa5 ! what the devil is that ^ — Anfwer yes or 
no^ is my brother at home ? don't fbrug up your {boulders 
at me, you- ■ ■ ■ Oh, here comes a rational being* 

Enter Mrs. Mechlin. 
Madam Mechliii, how fares it ? this here lanthorn-jaw'd 
rafcal won't give me an Anfwer, and indeed wou'd fcarce 
let me into the houfe. 

La Fleur. Cet gros bourgeois a fait une tapage dc 

Mrs. Mech. Fy done, c*eji lefrere de Monjieu^. 

La Fleur. Lefrere I mon Dieul 

L Fun, What is all this ? what the devil lingo is the 
fellow a- talking ? 

Mrs. Mech. This is a footman from France that your 
brother has taken. 

/. Fun, Frpm France ! and is that the be& of his 
breeding ? I thought we had taught them better man-- 
ners abroad, than to come here and infult us at home. 
People make fucharout about fmuggling their .FrcnchU 
fied goods \ their men do us more mifchief« If we could 
but hinder the importing of them 

Mrs. Mecb<. Ay, you are a true Sriton^ I fee that, Mr* 

/• Fun. I warrant me ; is brother Zachary at home ? 



Mrs. Mech. Above (lairs, Sir. 
/. Fun, Any company witli him ? 
Mrs. Mecb. Not any to hinder your vifit. La Fleur, 
mturez le parte* 

L Fun, Get along you — Mrs. Mechlin, your fervant* 
(£v// Mrs Mechlin.) I can^t think, what the devil makes 
yoor quality fo fond of the Monfieurs 5 for my part, I 
don't fee March and be hang'd to you— you fouty* 

fac*d [Exit I. Fungus, and La Flci^ f . 

' Mri* Mecb. Come, Dolly, you now may appear. 

* Enter Jenny. 
* Jen, Mr. Paduafoy, Ma^am, the Spitalfields Weaver; 
He has been waiting this houf^ and fays he has fome 
people at home 

' Mrs, Mecb, Let hia eater ^ in a couple of minutes 
' m follow you, Dolly. [Exit Jen. 

* JE«/tfr Padu^oy, 
^ airs, Mecb* Mr. Paduafoy, you may load yourfclf 
* home with tkofe iilks) they won^t do for my market. 

* Faa, Why, \<^hat's the matter. Madam ? 

* Mrs, Mecb, Matter! you are a pretty fellow indeed! 
' you are a tradelman ! His lucky I know you 9 things 

* might have been worfe > let us fettle aiccounts, Mr, Pa- 

* duafoy \ you^U fee no more of my money. 

' Pad, I (hall be forry f9r that, Mrs. Mechlin. 

* Mrs, Mtcb, Sorry I anfwer me one queftion : Am 

* not I the beft cuftomer that ever you had ? 

* Fad, I confefs it. 

* Mrtm 3iXech, Have I not mortgaged my precious 

* foul, by fwcaring to my quality-cuftomers that the fluff 

* from your looms was the produce of Lyons ^ 
' Fad, Granted. 

* Mrs. Alech^ And unlefs that had been believ'd, could 

* you have fold them a yard, nay a nail ? 

* Fad. I believe not. 

* Mrs, Mecb, Very well. Did not, Sir, I procure yoi» 
' more money for your cursM goods, when fold as the 

* inanufa£lure of France, than as mere Englifli they coujd 

* have ever produced you ? 

* Fad, I never deny'd it. 

f Firft a<^ ends here, wbea done as an after-piece. 

66 rm commissary; . jfS^Z, 

\ Mrs. Mech, Then are not you a pretty fellow, to 

* blow up and ruin my reputation at once ? ^ 

* Fad. Me, Madam! 

* Mrs. Mech. Yes, you. 

* Pad. As how ? 

* Mrs. Mech. Did not you tell me thefe pieces of .^lic 

* were entire, and the only ones you had made of that 

* pattern ? 

' Fad. I did. 

* Mrs. Meab. Now mind. Laft Monday I left them 
' as juft landed, upon a pretence to fecure them from- 
' feizure, at the old countefs of turbelow's, by whofc 
^ means I was fure, at my own price, to get rid of them. 

* both 5 and who (houfd come in laft night at the ball at 

* the Manfioh-houfe, where my lady urfluckily happened 

* to be, with a fuU fuit of the blue pattern upon her 
' back, but Mrs. Deputy Dowlafs, dizenM out like a du-^ 
"^ chefs. 

* Pad. Mrs. Deputy Dowlafs ! Is it poflible ? 

* Mrs» Mech. There is no denying the fa6l : but that 
was not all. If, indeed, Mrs. Deputy had behaved like 
a gentlewoman, and fwore they hadJbcen fent her from 
Paris, why there the thing wo;aId have died : but fee 
what it is to have to do with i^echanics^ the fool own- 
ed fhe had them from you. I ihould be glad to fee ariy 
of my cuftomers at a lofs for 4 lie \ but thofc trumpery 
traders, Mr. Paduafoy, you'll never gain any credit by 
them. • 

^Pad. This muft be a trick of my wife's ; I know the 
women are intimate j but this piece of intelligence will 
make si hot houfe. None of my fault indeed, Mrs* 
Mechlin \ I hope, Ma'am, this won't make any difife* 
rence ? 

* Mrs. Mech. Difference ! I don*t believe I ftiall be 
able to fmuggle a gown for you thefe fix months. What 
is in that bundle ? 

* Pad. Some India handkerchiefs, that you promis'd 
to procure of a fupercargo at Woolwich for- Sir Tho* 
mas Calico's lady. 

* Mrs. Mech. Are you pretty forward with the light 
j^rigg'd waiftcoats from Italy ? 

' Pad. They will be out of the loom in a week. 



* Mrs. Meeb, You need not put any Genoa velvety in 

* hand till the end of autumn ^ but you may make me 

* immediately a freih fortment of foreign ribbons for 

* fummer. 

* Pad, Any other commands, Mrs. Mechlin ? 

* Mrs. Mech. Not at prefcnt, I think. 

* Pad. I wifh you, Madam, a very good morning. 

* Mrs. Mech. Mr. Paduafoy ! .Lord, 1 had like to have 

* forgot. You muft write an anonymous letter to the 
' cufiom-houfe, and fend me ibme old filks to be feized \ 

* I mud treat the town with a bonfire : it will make a 

* fine paragraph for the papers, and at the fame time 

* advertife the public where fuch things may be had. 

* Pad. I (han't fail, Madam. [Exit Paduafoy^ 

* Mrs. Mech. Who fays now that I am not a friend to 

* my country ? I think the Society for the Encourage- 
^ ment of Arts (hould vote me a premium. I am fure I 

am one of the greatef): encouragers of our own rnanu* 
faduresa [Exit Mrs. Mechlin.' 


£a/^Zachar7 Fungus, Isaac Fungus, tf/?^/ Mrs. Mechlix* 

Zac. Fungus. 

6&0TUF& Ifaac, you are a blockhead, I tell you. But 
firft anfwer me ihis; Can icnowledge do a man any 
karm ? 

/. Fun. No, farting \ what is befitting a man for to 

Z. Fun. To- learn ! and how fiiould you k novf what is 
befitting a gei/tleman to learn ? Stick to your trade, 
matter tallow-chandler. 

/. ¥uh. Now, brother Zachary, can you fay in your 
confciehce, as how it is decent to b« learning to dancc^ 
>»hen you ha* almoft loft the ufe of your legs ? 

Z. Fun. Loft the ufe of my legs ! to fee but the ma- 
lice of men ! Da but ax Mrs. Mechlin j now, Ma'am, 
does not Mrs. Dukes fay, that, confidering my time,. I 
have made a wonderful progrcfs ? 

/. Fun. Your time, brother Zac ? 

Z. Fun* Ay, my time, brother Ifaac. Why^ I ha*qt 



been at it palling a couple of montl^s 5 and we have at 
our fchool two aldermen and a fcrjeant at law, thaf were 
full half a year before they could get out of hand. 

Mrs. Mech. Very true, Sir. 

Z. Fun, There now, Mrs. Mechlin can vouch it. And 
pray, Ma'am, does not mailer allow, that, of my age, I 
iam the moft hopeful fcholar he has ? 

Mrs. Mech. 1 can't but fay, Mr. Ifaac, that the 'fquirc 
has made a mod prodigious improvement. 

Z. Fun. Do you hear that ^ I wifh we had bnit a kit, 
I would (hew you what I could do : one^ two^ three,, 
ha. One, two, thr^Ci ha. There are rifings and fin ly- 
ings ! 

Mrs. Mecb. Ay, marry, as light as a cork. 

Z. Fun. An't it ! Why, before next winter is over, 
he fays he'll fit me for dancing in public \ and who knows 
but in Lent you may fee me amble at a ridotto-with an 

Mrs. Mecb. And I warrant he acquits him&lf as well 
as the bell. 

/. Fun. Mercy on me ! and pray, brother, that thrng 
like a fword in your hand, what may the ufe of that im- 
plement be ? 

Z. Fun, This ? oh, this is a foil. 

/. Fun. A foil ? 

Z. Fun. Ay, a little inHrument, by which we who ^te, 
gentlemen are indru^led to kill ^ne another. 

/. Fun. To kill ! Marry, heaven forbid ; I hope you 
have no. fuch bloody intentions. Why, brother Zac, you 
was ufed to be a peaceable man. 

Z. Fun. Ay, that was when I was a paltry mechanic, 
and afraid of the law : but now I am another-gueij per- 
fon^ I have been in camps, cantoons, and intrenchments^ 
I have marched over bridges and breaches^. I have iieen 
the £zell and Wezell^ I^m got as rich as a Jew^ and if 
any man dares to affront pat, I'll let him know that my 
tirade has been fighting. 

/. Fun. Rich as a Jew ! Ah, Zac, Zac ! but if you 
had not had another-guefs trade than fighting, I doubt 
whether ^you would have returned altogether fo rich; but 
now you have got all this wealth, why not fit down and 
enjoy it in quiet ? 

/ Z. Fun, 


Z. Fun. Hark ye, Kaac, do you purtend to know 
life ? are yon acquainted with the beau d^cijprits of the 

h Tun* I don^t underfland you. 

Z. Fun. No, I believe not 5 then how (hould you know 
what belongs to gentility ? 

/. Fun. And why not as well as you, brother Zac \ I 
hope I am every whit as well born. 

Z. Fun. Ay, Ifaac, but the breeding is all : cohiider 
I have been a gentleman above five years and three quar* 
ters, and I think ihould know a little what belongs to 
the bufinefs ; hey, Mrs. Mechlin ? 

Mrs. Mech. Very true, Sir, 

Z. Fun. And as to this foil, do you know, Ifaac, in 
' what the art of fencing coniifls ? 

/. Fun. How fhould 1 ? '^ 

Z. Fun, Why, it is' (hort y there are but two rules : 
the firfl is, to gi^e your antagonifl as many thrufts as you 
can 'y the fecond, to be careful and receive none your- 

1. Fun. But how is this to be done ? 

Z. Fun. Oh, eafy enough : for, do you fee, if you can 
but divert your adverfary's point from the line of your 
body, it is impoflible he ever (hould hit you ^ and all this 
is done by a little turn of the wrift, either this way, or 
that way. But I'll (hew you : ^ John, bring me a foil. Mrs. 
Mechlin, it will be worth your obferving. Here, bro- 
ther Ifaac—— {Offers him a foil* 

I. Fun. Not I. 

Z. Fun. Thefe bourgeois are fo frightful. Mrs. Mech- 
lin, will you, Ma*am, do me the favour to pufii at me a 
little ? Mind, brother, when (he ttirufls at me in carte, 
I do fo ; and when (he puihes in tierce, I do fo -, and by 
this means a man is fure to avoid' being killed. But it 
may not be amifs^ brother Ifaac. to give you the progrefs 
of a regular quarrel 5 and then you will fee what fort of 
a thing a gentleman is. Now I have been told, d'ye fee^ 
brother Ifaac, by a friend who has a regard for my ho- 
nonr, that Captain Jenkins, or Hopkins, or Wilkins, or' 
what Captain you pleafe, has in public company cali'd 

ne a cuckol d 

/. Tun. 

70 THt GOMMrssAR?. yici L 

L Fun, A cuckold ! But how ean that be ? becauf 
why, brother Zac, you be n't married. 

Z. Fun. But as 1 am juft going to be married^ tha? 
may very well happen, you know. 
Mrs. Med. True. 

Z. Fun, Yes, yes, the thing is natural enough. WeH 
the Captain has faid I am a cuckold. Upon which, th« 
fir ft time I fet eyes on Captain Wilkins, either at Vaux- 
iiall or at Ranelagh, I accoft him in a courteous, gea- 
teel-like manner. 

/, Fan. And that's more than he merits. 

Z. Fj^» Your patience, dear Ifaac in a courteous, 

gentleaTan-like manner^ Captain Hopkins, your fer* 

vant. j* < 

/. Fun. Why, you call'd him but now Captain Wil* ' 


Z. Fun, PQia ! you blockhead, I tell you the name 

does not fignify nothing ^Your fervant j (hall I crave ' 

your ear for a moment ? The Captain politely replies, 
Your commands, good Mr. Fungus ? Then we walk fide 
by fide — come here, Mrs. Mechlin — {T^ey walk up and 
down) for feme time as civil as can be. . Mind> brother 
- /. Fun, I do, I dt). ' . A 

Z. Fun. Hey ! -no, t'other fide, Mrs. Mechlin—.-^ ^ 

that's right— — I hear, Captain Wilkins. 

/. Fun. I knew it was Wilkins. < 

Z. Fun. Zounds I Ifaac, be qui«t-^Wilkins, that you 
have taken fome liberties about and concerning of me, 
which^ damme, I don't underftand — 
/. Fun. Don't fwear, brother Zachary. 
Z. Fun. Did ever mortal hear the like of this fellow? 
/. Fun. But you are grown fuch a reprobate fince you 
went to the wars— 

Z. Fun. Mrs. Mechlin, ftop the tongue of that block«> 
head j why dunce, I am fpeaking by rule, and Mrs Mech- 
lin can tell you that duels and damme's go always to« 

Mrs. Mich, O always. v 

Z. Fun. Waich, damme, I don't underftand. Liber- 
ties with you, cries the Captain j where^ when, and in 
wliat manner ? Laflfriday night, in company at the St. 



, Alban^s, you callM me a buck \ and moreover faid, that 
my horns were exalted. Now, Sir, I know very well 
what was your meaning by that, and therefore demand 
fatisfa£lion. That, Sir, is what I never deny to a gen« 
tleman ; but as to you, Mr. Fungus, I can^t conient to 
give you that rank. How, Sir ! do you deny my gen- 
tility ? Oh, that affront mud be anfwered this inftant— > 
Diaw, Sir. Now puQi, Mrs. Mechlin. {They fence.) 
There I parry -tierce, there I parry carte, there I parry 
— ---Hold, hold, have a care, zooks ! Mrs. Mechlin. 

/. Fun, Ha, ha, ha ! I think you have met with your 
match J well pufh'd, Mrs. Mechlin. 

Z. Fun, Ay, but inflead of puihing in tierce, (he pufli- 
ed me in carte, and came fo thick with her thruds, that 
it was not in nature to parry them. *# 

/. Fun. Well, well, I am fully convinced of your ikill: 
but I think, brother Zac, you hinted an intention of 
marrying j is that your defign ? 
Z. Fun. Undoubtedly. 
/. Fun. And when ? 
Z. Fun. Why, this evening. ^. 

/. Fun. So fudden ! and pray, is it a fecret ; to whom ? 
Z. Fun. A fecret, no j I am proud of the match •, (he 
brings me all that I want, her veins full of good blood \ ■ 
liich a family ? fuch an alliance ! zooks, (he has a pedi*. 
gree as long as the Mall, brother Ifaac, with large trees 
on each fide, and all .the boughs loaded with lords. 
/. Fun. But has the lady no name ? 
Z. Fun. Name 1 ay, fuch a name, Lord, we have no- 
thing like it in London : none of your ftunted little 
dwarfilh words of one fy liable \ your Watts, and your 
Potts, and your Trotts j this rumbles through the throat 
like a cart with broad wheels. Mrs. Mechlin, you can 
pronounce it better than me. ' 

Mrs. Mecb. Lady Sachariijfa Mackirkincroft. 
Z. Fun. Kirkincroft ! there are a mouthful of fyllables 
{or you. Lineally defcended from Hercules Alexander 
Charlemagne Hannibal, earl of Glendower, prime minl- 
iler to king Malcolm tHe firfl. 
/. Fun. And are all the parties agreed ? 
Z. Fun. I can't fay quite all j for the right honouit*- 

:AbIe peer that is to be my papa, (who by the by is as 

f proud 


proud as the devil) has flatly renouncM the alliance ; 
calls me here in his letter Plebeian j and fays, if wi 
have any children, they will turn out very little bettei 
than pyebalds. 

/. Fun, And what does the gentlewoman fay ? 

Z. Fun. The gentlewoman !' Oft, the gcntlewomanj 
who (between ourfelves) is pretty near as high as hci 
father j but, however, my perfon has prov'd too bard 
for her pride, and I take the affair lo be as gobd as con- 

/. Fun, It is refolv'd ? 

Z. Fun. FixM. . ^ . 

/. Fun, I am forry for it. 

Z. Fun. Why fo ? come, come, brother Ifaac, don'C 
be uneafy, I have a (hrewd guefs at your grievance ^ but 
though you may not be fuflFcr'd to fee Lady Scracslrifla 
at firft, yet who knows before long \ may have interelt 
efiough with her to bring it about ; and in the mean time 
you may dine when you will with the fteward. 

/. Fun. You are exceedingly kind. 

Z. Fun, Mrs. Mechlin, you don't think my lady will 
gainfayit ? 

Mrs, Mech, By no means j it is wonderftil, confider- 
ing her rank, how mild and coiidefcending (he is; vrhy, 
but yefterday, fays her ladyftiip to me, Though, Mrs. 
Mechlin, it can't be fupposM that I ihould admit any of 
the Fungus family into my prefence 

Z. Fun, No, no, to be iure j not at firft, as I faid. 

Mrs, Mech, Yet his brother, or any other relation, 
may dine with the fervants every day. 

Z. Fun, Do you hear, Ifaac ? there's your true' inhe- 
rent nt)bility, fo humble and affable; but people of real 
rank never have any pridfe 5 that is only for upftarts. 

/. Fun, Wonderfully graciou^ : but here, hrothcr Zac/ 
you miftake me 5 it is not for myfelf I am forry. 

Z. Fun, Whom then ? 

/, Fun, For yoa. Don't y«u think that your wife will 
defpife you ? 

Z. Fun, No. 

/. Fun. Can you fuppofe that you will lire together a 
month ? ' 

Z. Fun. Yes. 

2 J. Fun. 

jffilL THE COMJftSSAKT. 73 

/. Fun. Wh7, can you bear to walk about your own 
koufe like a paltry depeudent ? 

Z. Fun, No. 

/. Fun, To have yottrfelf and your orders contemn^ 
hj your fervants ? 

Z. i7y/i. No. 

/. FunK To fee your property devourM by your lady's 
kggarly coufins, who, notwithftanding, won't vouchfate 
,you a nod ?— — 

Z. Fun. No. 

/. Fun, Can you be blind at ber bidding, run at her 
fending, come at her calling, dine by yourfelf when (he 
^as bettermoil company, and ileep fix nights a-week in 
<hc garret ? 

Z. Fun, No. 

/. Fun, Why, will you dare to difobey, have the im. 
pudence to difpute the fovereign will and pleafure of a 
tady like her ? 

Z. Fun, Ay, marry will I. 

/. Fun, And don't you expeft a wholfe clan of Andrew 
Ferraros, with th^ir naked points at your throat ? 

Z. Fun, No. 

/. Fun, Then you don't know half you will have to go 
, through. 

Z. Fun, Look you, brother, I knbw what you wou'd 
he at ^ yoy don't mean I fhou'd marry at all. 

/. Fun. Indeed, brother Zachary, you wrong me j I 
fhou'd with plcafure fee you equally match'd, that is, to 
one of your own rank and condition. 

Z. Fun, You wou'd j I don't doubt if, but that is a 
pleafure ydu never will have. Look you, Ifaac, I have 
made up my mind ; it is a lady I like, and a lady I will 
have; and if you fay any more, I'll not be contented 
with that J for, damme, I'll marry a duchefs. 

• Enter La Fleur. 

La Fleur, Le Maitn pour donner d"* eloquence, 
Z. Fun, What does the puppy fay, Mrs. Mechlin ? for 
you know I can't parler vous. 

Mrs. Mech, The gentleman from the city, that is to 
make you a fpeaker, 
Z.Fun, Odzooksl a fpecial fine fellow j let's have 

Vol. IV. D •W'*^* 


Mrs, 'Mech, Faites les entrer, \Exit La Fleur. 

'/. Fun, Brother, as you are bufy, 1 will take ano- 
ther , 

Z. Fun» No, no, this is the fineft fellow of all 5 it is 
he that is to make me a man 5 and hark ye, brother, if 
I fhould chance to rife in the flate, no more words, youc 
buiinefs is done. ' 

/. Fun, What, I reckon Ibme member of parliament? 

Z. Pun, A member ! Lord help you, i)rother Ifaaq^ 
this man is a whole fenate himfelf. Why, it is the fe- 
z»ous oration er that has publifh'd^thc book. 

/. Fun. What, Mr Gruel ? 
.Z. Fun, The fame. • ' 

/. Fw«. Yes, I hiave feen his name in the news- 

Z. Fun, His knowledge is wonderful j he has told mc 
fuch.fecrets : why, do you know, Ifaac, by \yhat meai>5 
'tis we fpeak ^ 

/. Fitn. Speak ! why, we fpeak with our mouths. 

Z. Fun, No, we don't. 

/. Fun, No ! 

Z. Fun, No. He fays we fpeak by means of the ^ 
tongue, the teeth, and the throat 5 and without them 
•we only fhoald bellow.^ 

/. Fun, But furely the mouth 

Z. Fun, The mouth, I telLyou, h little or nothing^ 
only A x:aviiy for the air t© p«kfs through. » 

/, Fwi, Indeed ! 

Z. Fun, That'b all j and when the cavity is fmall, 
little founds will come out j when large, the great ones 
proceed : obferve now in whiftling and bawling 
{WbiJiUs and bav^ls.y-'-^'Do you fee ? Oh, he is a mi- 
raculous naan.I 

/. Fun, But of what ufe is all this ? 

Z. Fun. But 'tis knowledge, an't it? and of ^hat 
iigniiication is that, you fool ? And then as to ufe, why, 
he can make me fpeak in any manner he pkafes j as a 
lawyer, a merchant, a country gentleman j whatever the 
fubjedt requires — But here he is.' 

' Enter Mx. GrueU 
Mr. Gruel, your fervant 5 I have been holding forth ia 
^ your praife. 

jGrue/. 1 make no doubt, Mr* Fungus > but to year 



Reclamation, or recitation ("as Quintilian more properly 
terms it), i (hall be indebted for much future praife, ia 
as much as tUe reputation of the fcholar does (as I may 
iaj) confer, or rather as it were reflefl, a iharveUous 
kind of lull^re en the fame of the raafter himfelf. 

Z. Fun. There, Ifaac, didfl ever hear the like ? lie 
talks juft as if it were all out' of a book : What wou^d 
you give to be able to utter fuch words ? 

/. Fun» And what (houM I do with them ? them bo* 
liday terms wouM not pafs in my (hop j tjiere's no buy- 
ing and felling with them. 

Gruel. Your obfervation is pithy and pertinent. Dif- 
ferent ilations different idioms demand ; polifhed periods 
accord ill with tlie mouths of mechanics \ but as that 
tribe is permitted to circulate a bafer kind of coin, for 
the eafe and convenience of inferior trafRc, io it h in- 
dulgM with a vernacular or vicious vulgar phrafeo- 
logy, to carry on their interlocutory commerce. But I 
doubt, Sir, I foar above the region of your comprehen- 

/ Fun. Why, if you wouM come down a ftep or two, 
I can't fay but I fhou'd underlland you the better. 

Z^ Fun. And I too. 

Gruel. Then to the familiar 1 fall : if the gentleman 
has any ambition to (hine at a veilry, a common-hall, or 
even a cohvivial club, I can fupply him with ample ma« 

/. Fun.^ No, I have ho fuch defire. 

Gwuei. Not to lofc time 5 your brother here, (for ftjch 
1 find the gentleman is), in other refpe6ls a common 
man like yourfel f 

Z. Fun. No better. 

Gruel. Obferve hoW alterM by means of my art : are 
you prepar'd in the fpeech on the great importance of 
trade ? 

Z. Fun. Pretty well, I believe. 
GrueL Let your gcfliculations be chafte, and yx)ur 
xnufcular movements confiltent. 

Z. Fun. Never fear \Fnter Jenny, and "Oobifpett 

Mrs. Mechlin.j 
Mrs* Mechlin, you'U ftay ? 

D 2 Mrt 


Mrs.Mecb. A little bufinefs^ I'll return in an inflant. 

lExU Mrs, Mechlin* 

GrueL A little here to the left, if you pleafe, Sir ; 
'there you will only catch his profile — that's right — now 
you will have the full force of his face j one, two, threes 
now off you go. 

Z. Fun. When I confider the vaft importance of this 
day's debate; when I revolve the various viciflitudes that 
this foil h^s fuftained ; when I ponder what our painted 
progenitors were, and what we their civilized fucceflbr-s 
are \ when I reileft, that they fed on crab-apples and 

GrueL Pignuts, good Sir, if you pleafe. 

Z. Fun. You are right j crab-apples and pig-nuts 4 
and that we feaft on green-peafe and on cuflards : when 
I trace in the recording hiilorlcal pag;e, that their floods 
gave them nothing but frogs, and now know we have ftfli 
by land-carriage,. I am lofl4n amazement at the prodi- 
gious power of commerce. Hail, Commerce I daughter 
of induftry, confort to credit, parent of opulence, fuH 
%k ^^^' ^° liberty, and great grandmother to the art of na- 
^ vlgatiori J 

/. Fun, Why, this gentlewoman has a pedigree as 
long as your wife's, brother Zac. 

Z,, Fun. Prithee, Ilkac, be quiet — art of navigation 
—a— a — vigatlon— Zooks, that fellow has put me 
quite out. 

Gruel, It matters not \ this day's performance has 
largely fulfiU'd your yellerday's promife. 

Z. Fun, But I ha'n't half done, the beft is to come ; let 
me jull give him that part about ^urnpegs — For the 
iloughs, the mires, the ruts^ the impaflable bogs, that 
the languid but generous fteed travelled through \ he 
now pricks up his ears, he neighs, he canters, he capers 
through a whole region of turnpegs. 

F^ter Mrs. Mechlin. - 

Mrs. Mefih, Yobr ridlng-mafter is below. 

Z. Fun, Gadfo ! then here w.e mull end. You'll par- 
don me, good Mr. Gruel \ for as I want to be a finiihed 
gentleman as fbon as I can, it is impofTible for me to 
^ick long to arty one thing. 

Crud. Sir, though ^our exit Isxathcr abrupt, yet the 



multiplicity of your avocations do (as I may (ay) in 
fome meafure cicatrize the other wide mortal wound oa 
this occafion faftained by decorum. 

Z. Fun, Cicatrize .** I could hear him all day. He is 
a wonderful msin. Well, Mr. Gruel, to-morrow we will 
at it again. 

Gruel. You will find me prompt at your flighted vo« 

Z. Fun. I wifh, brother Ifaac, I could have ftaid \ yoa 
Ihould have heard me oration away, like a lawyer, a* 
bout pleadings and preiidents \ but all ia good time. 

• l^Exit Fungus* 

Mrs. Mecb. This gentleman, Sir, will gain you vaft 

Gruel. Yes^ Ma^am^ the capabilities of the eentleraan* 
L confefs, are enormous \ and^ as to you I am indebted 
for this promifing pupil, you will permit me to expunge 
the obligation by an inflantaneous and gratis ledurc oa 
that fpecies of eloquence peculiar to ladies. 

Mrs. Mech. Oh, Sir, I have no i<xX of occafion— 

Gruel. As to -that biped, man, (for fuch I define him 
to be), a male or maiculine manner belongs-— 

Mrs. Mecb. Any other time, good Mr. Gruel* 

GrueL So to that biped,, woman, (he participating of 
his general nature, the word homo in Latin being pro* 
mifcuoufly ufed as woman or man— — 
. Mrs. Mech. For hcav*n's iake?-^ 

GmeV. But being caft in a more tender and delicate 

Mrs. Mech. Sir, I have twenty people in waiting—* 
' GrueL The foft, fuppliant, infinuating graces—-. 

Mrs. Mech. I muft infift 

Gruel. Do appertain (as I may fay) in a more pecu* 
fiar or more particular manner ' 

Mrs. Mech. Nay then 

Gruel. Her rank in the order of entities— —' 

Mrs. Mech. I muft out. of my houfe. 

GrueL Not calling her forth = — 

Afrj-. Mech. Was there ever fuch ^-^{^pujhing him our. 

Re-enter Gruel. 

GrutL To thofe eminent; hazardous, an3 (as I may 
&y) perilous conflifts, which fo often—— 

D 3, Mrs. 


Mrs, Mcch: Get down flairs* and be liang'd to yo\i. 
{Pujhes him out?) There he goes, as I live, from the top 
to the bottom \ I hope I han*t done him a mifchief ; 
You arn't hurt, Mr. Gruel ?— No, all's fafe \ I hear him- 
going on with his fpeech \, an impertinent puppy ! 

L Tun, [mpertinent indeed \ I wonder all thole peopL^ 
don't turn yoiir head, Mrs. Mechlin. 

Mrs, Mech, Oh, I am pretty well us'd to 'em. But. 

who comes here ? Mr. Ifaac, if you will ftep into the 

next room, I have fomething to communicate thi.t well- 

deferves your attention. \Kxit Ifaac Fungus* 

. ' .E/?/^;- Simon. 

Sim, Dr. Catirut at the foot of the fiiiirs. 

Mrs, Mech* The devil he is ! What can have brought 
him at this time of day ? Watch, Simon, that nobody 
comes up whilft he is here* {Exit Simon.) I hepe he 
has not heard of the pretty prcfent we fcnt him to-day*. 

Enter Dr. Catgut.. 

Dr., Cat, M^dam Mechlin, your humble. I have^. 
Ma?am« received a couple of. compliments from your 
jnanfion this morning ^ one I had from a lodger o£ 
yours 5 the other, I prefume,^ from your niece 5 but foi 
the laft, I rather fiippofe I am indebted to you. ^< ^ , 

Mrs, Mech. Me ! Indeed, . Doftor, you are widely 
xniflaken : I afiure you, Sir, iince your bniinefs brokff 
out, I have never fet eyes of her once. 

Dr, Cat, Then I am falfely informed.. 

itfrji Mechk But, after alt, you muft awn it is but 
what you deferve : I wonder, Doctor, you don't leave 
off thefe tricks. 

Dr. Cat. Why, what can I db^ Mrs. Mechlin ? my 
conflitution requires it. 

Mrs, M^cb, Indeed I flhould not have thought it. 

Dr. Cat. Then the dear little devils gre fo defperatelj 

Mrs. Mech, Without doubt., 

Dr, Cat. And for frolic, flirtation, diligence, drefs, 
and addrefs 

Mrs, Mech. To be fure. 

Dr, Cert, For what you call genuine gallantry, few 
men, I flatter myfclf, will be found that can match me.. 

Mrs.^Mecb, Qh, that's a point given up,. 


jIB'IL the commissary*. 'J^ 

Dr, Cat, Hark ye^ M0II7 Mechlin j— let m^ perilh, 
child, 70U look divinely to-day. 

Mrs. Mecb, Indeed ! 

Dr. Cat. But that I havfe two or three affairs on my 
Iiaods> 1 (hould be pofitiv^ly tempted to trifle viixh thee 
a little. 

Mrs. Mefb. Ay, but, Do6lor. confider I am not of a 
tfiding age ; it would be only lofing your time. 

Br. Cat. Ha, fo coy !— — But a-pr(^s, Molly, thi« 
lodger of yours ; who is he, and what does he want ? 

Mrs. Mech. You have heard of the great Mr. Fungus* 

Dr. Cat. WeU! 

Mrs. Mecb, Being., informed of your (kill and abili* 
ties, he has fent for you to t^ch him to (iog. 

Dr. Cat. Me teach him to fing ! W hat ! docs the 
fcoundrel mean to affront me ? 

Mrs, Mecb. Affront you ! 

Dr. Cat, Why, don^t you kqow, child, that I quitted 
that paltry profeflion ? 

Mrs. Mecb. Not I.- 

Dr. Cat. Oh, entirely renounced it« 

Mrs. Mecb. Tlien what may you follow at prefent ! 

Dr. Cat. Me ! nothing ^ I am a poet, my dear. 

Mrs. Mecb. A poet ! 

Dr. Cat. A poet. The mufes ^ you know I was al- 
ways fond of the ladies : I fuppofe you have heard of 
Shakefpeare, and Shadwell* of Tom Brown, and of 
Milton and Hudibras ? 

Mrs. Mecb. I have. 

Dr. Cat. I (hall 43lail all their laurels, by gad ; I have 
juft given the public a tade, but there^s a belly-full for 
them in my larder at home. 

Mrs. Mecb. Upon my word, you furpife me j bufi 
pray, is poetry a tiade to be learn'd > 

Dr, Cat. Doubtlefs. Capital as I am, I have not ac- 
quired it above a couple of years. 

Mrs. Mecb. And cou'd you communicate your art to 
another ? * , . 

Dr, Cat. To be fure. Why I have here in my poc- 
ket, my dear, a whole folio of rhime?, from Z quite to 
great A. Let us fee 5 A, ay, here it begins. A, afs, 
gafs, grafs, mafs, lafs j and fo quite through the alphabet 

I> ^ dowa 

9o '^B COMMISSAR.T. ^Sl li 

own to Z. Zounds, grounds, mounds, pounds, houndsi 
Mrs, Mech* And what do you do with thofe rhixaes^^i 
Dr, Cat. Oh, we fupply them. 
Mrs, MecK Supply, them ! 

Dr, Cat, Ay, fill them up, as I will (hew you. I-al 
week, in a ramble to Dulwich,. I made thefe rhimes in 
to a duet for a new comic ope]:a I have on the (locks«J 
Mind, for I look upon the words as a model for thi 
fort of writing.— —Firii, Jhe : 

There to fee the fluggifh afs, 
Thro' the meadows as we pafs, 
Eating up the farmer's grafs, 
Blyth and merry, by the mafs, 
As a lively country lafs. 
Mrs, Mech, Very pretty. 

Dr. Cat. A'n't it t Then he replies : ' 

Hear the farmer cry out, Zounds ! 
As he trudges through the grounds. 
Yonder bead hath broke my mounds y 
If the parilh has no pounds, 
Kill, sind give him to the hounds.. 
Then da Capo, both join in repeating the lad ftanza^; 
and this, tack'd to a tolerable tune, will run you for aw 
couple of months. You obferve ? 

Mrs. Mech. Clearly. As our gentleman is defirous tQ> 
learn all kinds of things, I can't help thinking but he 
•will take a fanpy to this. 

Dr. Cat. In. that cafe, he may command me, my desr;. 
and I promife you, in a couple of mouths, he ihall know 
as much of the matter as I do. 

Mrs. Mech. At prefent he is a little engaged j but as> 
foon as the honey -moon is over— 

Dr. Cat. Honey-moon ! Why, (s he going to be 
marry 'd ? 

Mrs. Mech. This, evening, I fancy 
Dr. Cat. The fineft opportunity in nature for an Intro-, 
dudion : I have by me, Ma'ana Mechlin, of my own. 
compoiition, fuch ^n epithalmium. 
Mrs. Mech. Thalmium, what's that ? 
Dr. Cat. A kind of an elegy, that we..pocits compofe 
at the (olemnization of we.ddings. 
^U Meuk^ Oh, bo ! 

J8ir, TBB, coMMissAnr. 8x> 

Dr. Cat. It Is fet to mufic already, for I ffill compofe 
fcr myfelf. 

Mrs, Mecb. You do ? 

Dr, Cat* What tfainls^ jou now of providing a band, 
and ferenading the ^Squire to-night ? It will be a pretty 
extempore compliment. 

Mrs. Mecb. The prettiefi thought in the world. But- 
I hear Mr. Funguses bell. You'll excufe me, dear Doc* 
tor ; you may fuppofe we are bufy. 

Dr. Cat. No apology then \ I'll about it this inftant* 

Mrs. Mecb. As foon as you pleafe.^ Any thing to get 
you out of the way. [,Afitiey «W exk. 

Dr. Cau Your obfequious, good Madam Mechlin* 
But notwithflanding all your fiue fpecches, I fhrewdly 
&fpe£k my blefied bargain at home was a prefent from 
you \ and what (hall I do with it ?— .«^The(e little em* 
barrafies we men of intrigue are eternally fubjed to.— 
There will be no fending it back \ fhe will never let it- 
ester the houfe.-^Hey ! gad^ a lucky thought is come 
into my head.<— this ferenade is finely contrived 
Madam Mechlin (hall have her coufui again, for I wiQ. 
return her bye- blow in the body of a double bafie viol >. 
ib the bawd ihall have a concert as well as the 'Squire.—- 

lExit Dr. Catgut*. 

ACT Illi 

Enter Harpt, l&ung LovErr, anii Jbnny. . 

Tell your miftrefs my name is Harpy ; (he knows me^. 
snd how precious my^imc is.. 

Jen. Mr. Harpy, the Attorney of Furnival's Inn ? 
^ Har. The fame. {£xtt Jenny.) * A^.'^lj, young; 
^ gentleman, this is your woman j I warrant yout bufi- 

* ncfs is done. You knew Kitty Williams, that marry 'di 

* Mr. Abednigo Potiphar the Jew broker ? 

* T. Lov.. 1 did. 

^ ^Har. And Robin Rainbow, the happy hufhand of* 
«ie widovr Champanfy, from the iilc of St Kitts? 
2r. Xov. 1 have fcen him.. 

* flflr., AlLowbg to her. Her fuccefs in that branch- 

D5, . / * o£' 


* of bu(ine(s is wonderful ! Why, I dare believe, fince 

* laft fummer, (he has not fent off Icfs than forty couple* 

* to Edinburgh. , ^ 

* Yi Lov, Indeed ! She muft be very adroit. 

* Har. Adroit! You Aall judge. I will tell you a 

* cafe : You know the large brick-houfe at Peckham^ 

* with a turret at top ? 

* r. Lov. Well. 

* Har, There livM Mifs Cicely Mite, the only daugh-» 

* ter of old Mite the cheefemonger, at the corner of 

* Newgate-ftreet, juft turn'd of fourteen, ^nd under the 
' ^ wing of ah old maiden aunt as watchful as a dragon 

* — but hufh — 1 hear Mrs. Mechlin, I'll take another 

* feafon to fi ni(h my tale.' 

21 Z#v. But, Mr.. Harpy, as thcfe Jcind of women 
are a good deal given to gofTiping, I wouM rather my 
real name was a fecret till there is a fort of necedity. 

Har. GofTiping ! She, Lord help you, ihe is, as clofe 
as a Catholic confeffor. 

21 Lov, That may be y but you n^uH give me leave 
to infill. 

Har, Well, well, as you pleafe.. 

Enter Mrs. Mechlin.. 
Your vety humble fervant, good Madam Mechlin j F 
have taken the liberty to introduce a young gentleman,, 
a friend of mine, to crave your afliftance. 

Mrs, Mech. Any friend of yours, Mr. Harpy j — won't 
jou be feated, Sir ? 

Y, Lovi Ma'am ? \JL^^yfit down,^ 

Mrs, Mecb. And pray, Sir, how can i ferve you ? 

Har, Why, Ma'am,* the gentleman's (ituation is 
But, Sir, you had better flate your cafe to Mrs. Mechlin 

7! Lov. Why, you are to know. Ma'am, that I am 
juft efcap'd from the univeriity, where (I need not tell" 
you) your are greatly eftcem'd. 

Mrs, Mtch, Very obliging ! I muft own, Sir,^ I have 
bad |i very great refpe6l for that learned body ever 
fince they made a near and dear friend of mine a do6tor 

X.. Lov., Yts^ Ma'am, I ^remember the gentlemao. 

Jfci IIL THZ C0M3nSSA&T> 83 

Mrs. Mecb. Do you know him, Sir ? I exped Um 
here tyrtiy minute to inflnid a lodger of mine. 

27 Lro, Not intimately. Juil arrived, but lall night ; 
opoa my coming to town, I found my father deceafed, 
and all fais fortune devisM to his reli^, my mother. 
Mrs, Mecb. What, the whole ? 
TZ Lov. Every Ihilling. That is, for her life. 
Mrs. Mecb, And to what fum may it amount ? 
T, Lov. My mother is eternally telling me, that afv 
ter her I {hall inherit fifty or iizty thoufand at leaft. 
Mrs\t Mecb, Upon my word, a capital fum. 
T, Lov. But of what ufe, my dear Mrs. Mechlin, 
£nce (he refufes to advance me a gyinea upon the credit 
of it J and while the grafs grow s Y ou know the 


Mrs, Meek, What, I fuppofe you want fomethiog for 
prefent fubfiflence ? 
2. iov, Juft my fituation. 

Mrs. Mecb, Have you- thought of nothing for ydur-- 
. icif? 

IT Lov, I am refblved to be guided by you. 

Mrs. Mecb, What do you think of a wfc ? 

T. Lov. A wife ! 

Mrs. Mecb,' Come f come, don't defpife my advice; 
when a young man's finances are low, a wife is a muc& 
better lefouriCe than a ufurer ; and there are in this town- 
a number of kind-hearted widows, that take a pleafure 
yxi repairing the injuries done by Fortune to handibme 
young fellows. 

Har. Mrs. Mechlin Has rea^bii. 

T. Lov, But,, ^ear Ma'am, what can 1 do with a' 
wife ? 

Mrs, Mecb, Do ! W hy, like other young fellow^ 
who marry ladies a little flricken in years j make her 
your banker and fie ward. If you fay but the word, be- 
fore night, I'll give you a widow with two ^houfand* 
a-year in her pocket. 

T. Lov. Two thoufand a-y ear I a pretty- employment, . 
"the reCdence cou'd but be difpens'd with. 

Mrs, Mecb. What do you mean by refidence ? Do you 
tHink a gentleman, like a pitiful trader, is to be eter- 
nally teck'd to hi« wife's petticoat? When ihe is ia^ 

D. g: . town, 

9^ TAB OOMMKSART- -^<5? Ill 

town, be you in the country ; as flie flufts, do yoi 
lliift. Why, you need not be with her above thirty 
days in the year ; and, let me tell you, you won't find 
more eafy condition j twelve months fubfiftence for on^ 
month's labour. 

21 Lov, Two thoufand a-year, you are fure ? 

Mrs. Mecb. The lead penny.. 

T. Lov. Well, Madam, you (hall di%ofe of me juft aj 
you pleafe. 

Mrs. Mecb. Very wellj if you'll call in half an houi 
at farthefl, I believe we Ihall finifh the bufinefs. 

2! Lov» In half an hour ? 

Mrs, Mecb. Precifely. Oh, difpatch is the very life-" 
and foul of my trade. Mr. Harpy will tell you^my terms y 
You will find them reafonable enough. 

Ebr. Oh^ I am fure we ihall have no difpute about 

21 Lov. No, no. {Gotngn 

Mrs. Mesh. Oh, but, Mr. Harpy, it may be proper 
to mjcntion that the gentlewoman, the party, is upwards^ 
«f fixty. 

21 Lov. With all my heart ) it is the purfe, not the 
perfon, I want. Sixty ! ihe is quite a girl \ I wi(h with 
iall my foul (he was ninety. 

Mrs. Mfcb Get you gonej you are a devil, I fee that. 

Y. Lov. Well, for half an hour, fwcet Mrs. Mechlin, 
adieu. lExeunt Young Loveit and Harpy. 

Mrs, Mecb. Soh ! I have provided for my dowager 
from Devonfhire-iquare ^ and now to cater for my com^ 
miffary. Here he comes. 

Enter Fungus and Bridoun. 

Fun. So, in £\x week s ■ O h, Mrs.. Mechlin, any 
aews from ,thc lady ? 

Mrs. Mecb. I expedl her here every moment. She i» 
confcious that in this ftep (he defcends from her dignity ) 
but being defirous to fcreen. you. from the fury of her 
noble relations,, (he is determined to let them fee that 
the aft and deed is entirely her own. 

Fun, Very kind, very obliging, indeed !— But, Mrs, 
Mechlin, as the family is fo furious, I reckon we (hall 
»ever be reconcil'd. 

Jfcj^ ifefccA.. I don't know that. When you have 


^ J& in. THE C0MMSS8ANT. tj 

bought commiflions for her three younger brothers, dU^ 
charged the mortgage on the paternal eilate, and portion* 
ed off eight or nine of her iifterS| it is not impoflible bu^ 
my Lord may be prerailed on to fuffer your name 

Fun. Do you think fo ? 

Afrx. Mech. But then a work of time, Mr. Fungus. 

Fun. Ay^ siy > I know very well^ things of that kind 
are not brought about in a hurry. 

Mrs, Mecb. But I muft prepare matters for the ladyV 

Fun^ By all means. The jeweb ace fent to her la* 

Mrs. Mech. Ta be fure. 

Fun. And the ring for hifcr ladyfhip, and her ]ady« 
fliip's licenfe ? 

Mrs* Mecb. Ay, ay, and her lady (hip's parfon too ^ 
all are preparM« 

Fvn. Parfon ! why, won't her ladyihip pleafe to be 
manted at Fowl's ? 

Mrs, Mecb. Lord, Mr. Fungus, do yott think a lady 
ef her rank and condition would bear to be feen in pub«> 
He at once with a perfon like you ? 

Fun. That's true, I— 

Mrs. Mech. No, no j I have fent to Dr, Tickletcxt^ 
and the bufinefs will be done in the parlour belowt 

F\n, As you and her ladyihip pleafes, good Mrs.. Mc- 

Mrs, Mech. You will get drefs'd as foon as you can. 

Fun,. I (hall only take a (hort leffon from Mn Bri» 
doun, and then wait her lady(hip's pleafure* Mrs. Me* 
chlin, may my brother be by ? 

Mrs. m£cb. Ay, ay, provided his being fo is kept a. 
lecret from her. 

Fun. Never fear. {Exit Mrs. Mechlin.)— Well^ 
*Mr. Bridoun, and you think I am mended a little > 

Brid. A gjreat deal. 

Fttff. And that in a month or fix weeks I mav be 
able to prance upon a long-tail'd horfe in Hyde-park^ 
without any danger of falling ? 
Brid. Without doubt. 

Fun^ It will be vail pleafant, in the heat of the day,^ to- 
canur aicBg the Kiog's-road; &de by iide with the la-» 


dies, in the thick of the dud \ but that I mud not hope 
for this fummer* 

Brid» I don't know that, if you follow it clofe. 

Fun. Nev^r fear, I ihant be fparing of — But come, 
come, let us get to our bufincfs— — John, have the car- 
penters brought home my new horfe ? \Knter John* 

'^ohn. It is here. Sir, upon the top of the flairs. 

Fun, Then fetch it in, in an inHant. {Fxit John.) 
What a deal of time and trouble there goes, Mr. Bridoun, 
to the making a gentleman. And do your gentlenien«^ 
born now (for I reckon you harve had of all forts} take 
as much pains as we do ? 

Brid. To be fure j but they^egin at an earlier ag^e* 

Fun, There is fomething in that \ I did not kno^r but 
they might be apter, \more cuterer, now, in catching 
their laming. 

Br id* Difpofitions do certainly differ. 

Fun, Ay, ay \ fomething in nater, I warrant \ as the^r 
fay, the children of blackamoors will fwim as foon as 
they come intj the world- 

\Knter Servants nxxith a wottden borfe^ 
Oh, here he is. Ods me I it is a datelyv fine beafl, 

Bridt Here, my lads, place it here Very well^ 
Where's your fwitch, Mr. Fungus ? 

Fun, I have it. 

Br id. Now, let me fee you vault nimbly into your- 
(eat. Zounds ! you are got on the wrong fide, Mr. 

Fun, I am fo indeed % but we'll foon reftify that. 
Now we are right 5 may* I hate leave to. lay hold of the 

Brid, If you can't mount him without. 

Fun, I will try j but this fteed is fo devilifh tall— Mr;- 
Bridoun, you don^t think he'll throw me? 

Brid. Never fear. • 

Fun, Well, if he fhou'd, he can't kick j that's one? 
comfort,' however. , 

Brid, Now mind your pofition. 

Fun, Stay till 1 recover my wind. 

Brid, Let your head be crcft.. 

JF«/a» There». '| 


Brid. And your (houlders {all eaiily back. 
¥un. Ho t here. 

finii/. Your fwitch perpendicular in your right hand 
—your righ t ■ t hat is it : your left to the bridle. 
F»»» There. . • 

Brid^ Your knees in^ and your toes out. 
Tun. Therew 
Brid. Are you ready ? 
Fuji. When you iwill. 
Brid. Off you go. 
Tun. Don^t let him gallop at firft. 
Brid. .Very well : preferve your poiition. 
Tun. I warrant. i 

Brtd. Does he carry you eafy ? 
Fu». All the world like a cradle. But, Mr. BrldouD^ 
I go at a wonderful rate. 
Brid. Mind your knees. 

Ftfjf. Ay, ay : I can't think but thu here horfe (lands 
fiill very near as fa ft as another can gallop» 
Brid. Mind your toes. 

Tun. Ho, ilop the horfe : 2^unds, I^m out of the 
flirrupSy I canH lit him no longer y there I go ■ 

\TalU off, 
Brid, I hope you ar'n't hurt ? 
Tun. My left hip has a little contuiion. 
Brid. A trifle, quite an accident \ it might happen- 
to the very heft rider in England. 
Tun. Indeed ! 

Brid. We have fuch things happen every day at the 
manege j but you are vaftly improv'd. 

Tun. Why, I am grown bolder a little ^ and, Mr. 
Bridoun, when do you think I may venture to ride s 
live horfe ? 

Brid. The very inHant you are able to keep your feat 
on a dead one. 

Enter Mrs. Mechlin. 
Mrs. Mech. Blcfs me, , Mn Fungus, how you are tri- 
fling your time I I expeft lady Sachariffa every moment > 
and fee what a trim you are in. 

Fun. 1 beg pardon, good Madam Mechlin. I'll be 
equipp'd in a couple of tninutes) where will her lady« 
M^ plcafe to receive me ?. 


Mrs^ Mecb. In this room, tabc fure 5 come, ftir, fti: 

Fun. I have had a little fall from my horfe — 1*11^ g* 
as fail as I Mr. Bridouo, will you knd me a lift 

[Exeunt Fungus and Bridoun* 

Mrs, Mecb Tlive— -Jenny, Ihew Mrs. Loveit ii 
kcre—— Who's there I 

Enter Servants. 
Pray mpve that piece of lumber out of the way. Come, 
come, make haftc% Madam, if you'll ftep in here for 

Enter Mrs. Loveit. 

Mrs,. Lov. So, fo, Mrs. Mechlin 5 well, you fee I am| 
true to my time ) and how have you throve, my g< 
woman ? 

Mrs, Mecb, Beyond expedlations. 

Mrs. Lov, Indeed ! and have you provided a party ? 

Mrs, Mecb. Ay, and fuch a party, you might fearchw|| 
the town round beJFore you cou'd meet with his fellow : 
he'll fuit you in every refpcft. 

Mrs. Lov, As how, as how, my dear wom^n ? 

Mrs, Mecb, A gentleman by birth and by breeding;, 
none of yoor little whipper-fnapper Jacks, bilt a counte* 
nance as comely, and a prefence as portly ^ he has one 
fault indeed, if you can but overlook that* 

Mrs, Lov, What is it I 

Mrs ^ Mecb, His age. 

Mrs, Lov* Age ! How, how I 

Mrs, Mecb. Why, he is rather under your air 
am afraid ? not above twenty at mod. 

Mrs* Lov,. Well, well, fb he anfwers in every thing: | 
clfc, we muft overlook that j for, Mrs, Mechlin, there, 
is no expeding perfcflion below* 

Mrs. Mecb, True, Ma'am. 

Mrs* Lov* And where is he ? 

Mrs. Mecb, I look for him every minute: if you- 
will but ftep into the drawing-room j I have given him 
fuch a pidure, that I am fure he is full as impatient as 

Mrs, Lov, My dear woman, you are fo kind and ob- 
liging : But, Mrs. Mechlin, how do 1 look ? Don't flat». 
tcr me j do you think my figure will ftrike him I * 

Mrs* Mecbf Or be muft. be blind. 


Mrs, Lov. You may juft hint black don't b«c<Mne nc; 
^at I am a little paler of late ^ the lofs of a huiband one 
loFes, will caufe an alteration, you know. 

Mrs, Mecb. True ^ oh, he will make an allowance 
&r that. 

Mrs. Lai}, But things will come round in a .trice. 

[Exit Mrs. LoTcit. 
^Enier Simon. 

Sim. Madam, Mifs Dolly is dizen'd out, and every 
thing ready. 

Mrs, Mecb, Let her wait for the commifTary here ^ I 
will introduce him the inilant he is drefsM. 

[Exit Mrs. Mechlin. 

Sim, Mifs Dolly, you may come in ; your aunt will 
be here in an inilant. 

Enter Dolly and Jenny. 

1)^. Hu(h, Simon, hu(h ) to your poft. 

Sun. I am gon e [Exit Simon* 

' Do/. Well, Jenny, and have I the true quality-air ? 

Jen. As perfedly, Ma^am, as if you had been bred 
to the buiinefs \ and for figure, I defy the firil of them 
•fl. For my part, I think Mr. Fungus very well off 'i 
when the fecret comes out, I don^t fee what right he 
ias to be angry. 

Dal. Oh, when once he is noosM, let him ilruggle 
9s much as he will, the cord will be drawn only the 

Jen. Ay, ay, we may truft to your management. I 
kope, Mifs, I fhall have the honour to follow your for- 
tunes ^ there will be na bearing this houfe when once 
pjou have left it. 

Dol. No, Jenny, it would be baxbarous to rob my 
sunt of To ufeful a fecond ^ belides, for miftrefs and maid^. 
ve rather know one another a little too well. 

J9n. Indeed ! but here comes Mr a Fungus ) remem* 
bcr diftance and dignity. 

Boi. 1 warrant you, wench, 

Jen. So, I fee what \ have to hope. Our young filly 
fcems to be fecure of her match j but I may joftle her 
the wrong fide the poft *, we will have a trial, however: 
but I muft fee a^d find out the bxothe^.. 



Fun» Pray, when do you think we fhall bring the 
bedding about ? 

Mrs. Mech, About the latter end of the year, -when 
the winter fets in. 

Fun, Not before ? 

Enter Young Loveit, hajlily, 

21 Lov, I hope, Madam Mechlin, I have not exceed- 
ed my hour ; but 1 expeded Mr. Harpy wouM call. 

Mrs, Mech* He is in the next room with a lady. Oh,. 
Mr. Fungus, this gentleman is ambitious of obtaining 
the nuptial benedi£);ion from the fame hands after you. 

Fun, He's heartily welcome : What, and is his wife 
a woman of quality too ? 

Mrs. Mech. No, no, a cit 5 but monftroufly ^rich.. 
But your lady will wonder— 

Fun, Ay, ay : but you'll follow ; for I (han't know 
what to fay to her when we are alone. {^Eock Fungus* 

Mrs. Mech, I will fend you, Sir, your fpoufe in aa. 
Jnilant : the gentlewoman is a widow \ fo you may throw 
in what raptures you pleafe. 

T. Lov. Never fear. {Exit. Mrs. Mechlin.)— AncL 
yet this fcene is fo new, how to acquit myfelf— let me 
recoiled— fome piece of a play aow— — *' Vouchlafe, 
divine perfe6tion !"— No, that won't do for a dowager y 
it is too humbly and whining. But fee, the door opens, 
fo I have no time for rehearfal.— •! have it — " ClafpM. 
'^ in the folds of love, I'll meet my doom^ and a& 

« my" 

Enter Mrs. Loveit. 

Mrs. Lov. Hahl 

Q^. Lov. By all that's monftrous, my mother. 

Mrs, Lov. That rebel my fon, as I live ? 

2! Lov. The quotation was quite apropos ! Had It. 
been a little darker, 1 might have reviv'd the ftory of 

Mrs. Lov, So, Sirrah, what makes you from your 
(ludies ? 

Ti Lov, A fmall hint I received of your inclinations 

brdught me here, Ma'am, in order to. prevent, if pof« 

fible, ray father's fortune from going out of the family. 

Mrs, Lov. Your father ! how dare you didurb his 

dear afhes P you knoMC well enough how his dear memory 





me 'f and that at bis very jiame my beart is ready 

^21 Love, Well {aid, my old matron of EpheTus. 
Mri. Lov. This is what you want^ you difobedient 

itural monfier : but complete, accompliib your cruel- 
; fend me the iaxne road your villanies forcM your fa« 
Er lo take« 

Enter Mrs. Mechlin. 
Jirj. Mecb, Hey-day ? What the deuce have we here ? 

old lady in tears ! 

Irs, Lov, Difappointed a little ; that^s all. 
[Mrs, Mecb, Pray, Ma^am what can occafio n 
Mrs. Love Lord blefs me, Mrs Mechlin, what a blun« 

you haye made ! 
Mrs. Mecb. A blunder ! as how ? 
[Mrs, Lov, Do you know who you have brought mc ? 
Mrs. Mecb. Not perfe6^1y. 
}Mrs, Lov, My own fon ! that's all. 
Mrs, Mecb. Your fon ! 
Mrs, Lov. Ay, that rebellious, unatura l ■■ ■ 
Mrs, Mecb, Blunder indeed !. But who could have 
)ught it ? why, by your account, Ma'am, I imaging 

Ton was a child fcarce out of his frocks. 

fs, Lov, Here^s company coming, fo my reputation 

be blafled forever. 
Mrs, Mecb, Never fear j leave the care on*t to mc* 

Enter Fungus anJ Dolly* 
Tun, *UTiat is the matter? You make fuch a noife, 
fft is no fuch thing as minding the writings. 
Mrs. Mecb. This worthy lady, an old friend of mine 

Wing fet eyes on her fon fince the death of his fa- 
fccr,and being apprifed by me that here ihe might meet 
j^ Kim, came with a true maternal affedion to give 

a little wholefome advice. 
Mrs, Lov, W^^U faid, Mrs. Mechlin. 
Mrs, Mecb, Which the young man returned in a way 
brutal and barbarous, that his poller mother— Be com- 
bed, Ma'am ^ you had better repofe on my bed. 
■Mrx, Lov, Any where to get out of bis fight. 
Mrs, Mecb, Here, Jenny. 
^s Lov* Do you think you can procure me another 



Mrs, Mech, Never doubt it. 

Mrs, Zcw. Ugh, ugh—— [Exit coughing, 

Mrs, Mtfcb. Bear up a little, Ma,'am. 
Fun, Fie upon you, you have thrown the old geatle« 
Tvoman into the ilericks. 
21 Lov, Sir ? ' 
Fun, You a man ! you are a fcandal, a ihame to your 

fca, ' 

Enter Dr. Catgut. 

Dr, Cat, Come, come, Mrs. Mechlin, are the couple 
prepared ? the fiddles arc tun'd, the bows ready rofin'd, 
and the whole band. Oh, you, Sir, are one party, I 

reckon j but where is the— Ah, Dolly ! what, are you 
here, my dear ? 

Do/, Sohl 

Fun, Dolly ! Who the devil can this be ? 

Dr. Cat, As nice and as fpruce too ! the bridemaid, I 
\?arrant : why, you look as blooming, you flut. 
^ Fun, What can this be ? Hark ye. Sir. 

Dr, Cat, Well, Sir. ' 

Fun, Don't you think#you are rather too familiar witK 
a lady of her rank and condition ? ' 

Dr. Cat, Rank and condition ! what, Dolly ? 

Fun, Dolly ! what a plague poiTeiTes the man ? this 

no Dolly, I tell you. 

Dr. Cat, No ! 

Fun, No, this is Lady Scracarlffa Mackirluncroft. 

Dr, Cat. Who ! 

Fun, Defcended from the old, old, old Efrl of Glen- 

Dr, Cat, What, (he ? Dolly Mechlin ? 

Fun, Dolly d^vil ^ the man's out of his wits, I be- 

Enter Mrs, Mechlin* ! 

Oh, Mrs. Mechlin, will you fet this matter to rights ? | 

Mrs, Mech. How, Dr. Catgut I 

Fun, T^he ftrangeft fellow here has danc'd up ftairs> 4 
and has Dolly, Dolly, DoUy'd my lady j who the plague 
can he be ? 

Dr, Cat, Oh, apropos, Molly Mechlin ; what, is this 
the man that is to be married ? The marriage will never 
bold good ; why, he is more frantic and madder • 

1 . • Fun. I 



Fun, Mad I John, fetch me the foils ; I'll carte and 
fccc 70U, you fcoundrel ! 

Ettler I faac Fungus afni Jcnnj, 

L Fun, Whfrre's brother ? it a'n't over j you bc'n't 
[marry'd, I hope ? 

Z. Fun. No, I believe sot j why, what is the 

/. Fun. Pretty hands you are got into I Your fervaat, 
|[ood Madam ; what, this is the perfon, I warrant ; ay^ 

7W pretty the puppet is pointed ! Do yoQ know who 

Z. Fun, Who fhe is ! without doubt. 

/. Fun, No, you don't, brother Zac ^ only the ^awn 

that devil incarnate, drefs'd out as— 

Z Fun^ But yark ye, Ifaac, are — don't be in a hurry 
['"-are you fure 

I Fun. Sure — ^the girl of the houfe, abhorring their 
fcandalous projedl, has freely confefled the whole ichemc. 

ieonj, fland forth, and anfwer boldly to what I Hiall aiL: 
s not this wench the woman's niece of the houfe ? 
Jen, 1 fancy ftie will hardly deny it. 

1 Fun. And is not this millrefs of yours a mod pro* 

Mrs, Mech. Come, come, Mafter Ifaac, I will fave 
yoQ the trouble, and cut this matter fhort in an inftant. 

* Well then, this girl, this Dolly, is my niece j and 

■wbat then ? 

Z Fun. And ar'n't you afham'd ? 

TLo^, She a(ham'd ! 1 would have told you, but I 
couM not get you to liilen j why fhe brought me here 
to marry my mother here. 

2 FuH. Marry your mother I -.Lord hav mercy on 
IB, what a monfter ! to draw a young man in to be guil- 
ty of incenfe. But, hark ye, brother Ifaac. 

{T^hey retire. 
Dr. Cat. Gad's my life, what a fweet projeft I have 
ielp'd to dellroy ! But come, Dolly, I'll piece thy bro- 
ken fortunes again : thou hail a good pretty voice 5 I'll 
teach thee a thrill and a fiiake, perch thee amongfl the 
houghs at one of the gardens ^ and then as a miflrefs, 
which, as the world goes, is a much better ft'ation than 

4at of a wife. Not the proudcft of them aU— ' 


^6 TftE COMMtSSARY. -^5 

Mrs, Mech, Miftrcfs ! No, no, we have not manage 
QMT matters fo badly. Hark ye, Mr. Commiflary ? 

Z. Fun. Well, what do you want ? 

Mrs* Mech* Do you prc^ofe to confummate your no| 
rials ? 

Z. Fun, That's a pretty queflion^, indeed ! 

Mrs. Mech, You have no obje6lion then to payii 
the penalty, the contra^ here that Mr. Harpy hj 

Z. Fun, The contraft ! hey, brother Ifaac ! 

T. Fun, Let me fee it. 

Mrs. Mech. Soft you there, my maker of candles, 
is as well where it is : but you need not doubt of 
goodnefs \ I promife you, the bed advice has been 

Z- Fun. What a damn'd' fiend ! what a harpy ! 

Mrs, Mech. And why fo, my good Matter Funguj 
IS it becaufe I have pradis'd that trade by retail whi^ 
you have carried on in the grofs ? What injury do I 
the world ? I feed on their follies, 'tis true \ and tl 
game; the plutider, is fair : but the fangs of you ai 
your tribe, 

A whole people have felt, and for ages will feel 
To their candour and juftice 1 make my appeal ) 
Though a poor humble fcourge in a national caufe, 
_. As I truil I deferve, I demand your applaufe* 





Gt^w, 178% 

Mr. Cauthcrley. 


Drury-Lane. Edimhtirgb^ 279<'* 

idgaty fon to 
^e Earl of 
Kent, <Hf- . 

guifed as a rMr. Obrien. 
woman, on- I 
tier the name * 
ofEIfrida, J 

tS. i Mr. King. 


dacghter to 
the Earl of 
Iwrland, dif- 
guifed as a 
nian, under 
the name of 
Ooridibert, J 
^J^w, a fairy, . Mr. Kennedy! 

Mr. Chalmers. 

Mr. KcUy. ( 

>>Mr8. Yates. 

Mrs. Montague. 

Mrs. Sparkflj 

Maft. Hitchcock. Mrs. Mills. 
<?r«/i«», a fairy, Mifs Rogers'. Mifs Hitchcock. Mrs. Taanct. 

Other Fait/Uy Servants, t3*tf. 
Scene, Windfor CaflUy and the parts adjOfeiU. 


S . II »i. ■ 

Scene, A dark part vfWindfir Forefl* 

Enter Grotilla meeting Elfina. 

[Several Fairies enter y moijing to light muficy and ai 
* length forming a ring and dancings 
' Enter Another Fairy.^ 


^ Now no more in 'dells we fleep \ 
^ Here our revels now we keep : 

* By the moon, our.filver fun ■ 

* See, our fpoiis are now begun I 
Vol. IV. K - 

« A 1 Rs 

Jf8 toGAH AND £MM£LIM£« ^S 

V A I R. 

* Welcome, with the lambent light, 

* Welcome, lovely queen of night ! 

* To thy gentle reign belong 

-*• Love, and mirth, and dance, and fong* 
^ War, and flrife, and toil, and care, 

* Now their works of woe forbear : 
' Night (hall now for day atone ^ 

* Give the night to joy alone ! 

* \Tbe Fairy mixes with tbofe thai JattCt 
*' £ff/^ £l£oa, an old Fairy. 
' ^ ^If, Hift — ^break off1 — My charge receive j 
* Then renew the fports ye leave. 

* Hiey leave off dancing; the mufic cea/es ; am 

* Elfin a beckons Jirji one, then another^ Jp^^ 

* ing to themfeparately. ♦ 

^ When the mid- night hour is nigh, 

* Duteous to your tafks apply. 

* You, the mifer's haunts be near^ 
' Break his reft with caufelefs fear \ 

-* Break his doors, his windows (hake, 
' Till his iron heart (hall quake. ^ 

* You, as gouty humoHrs flow, 

* Pinch the glutton by the toe. 

^ You,y with boding dreams moled 
^ Proud ambition's anxious bread. 

* You, with fancied ghofls affright 
^ Atheiils in their own defpight : 

* Bold by day, the bluft'ring fpark 
^ Turns believer in the dark. 

* Hence— of vice to work the wo, s 

* And "the weal of virtue, go ! 

* \Tbe Fairies go out at one door.^ and as £lfiitt 

* is going out at the otber^ 
* Enter Grotilla, another old Fairy. 
-* Grot. Sifter ! Sifter ! 
Elf. Whence com'ft thou ? 
Grot. I come far. 
Elf. What to do ? Tell me— 
Grot. To confer with you. 

fllf. Yondci>— . {Pointing to the Caflk. 

. iGrot. What ! 

i|/<?/ S9CA& AND jniMELINX. 

Eif, The caflle there- 

Grot. Well- 

^If, Contains my prefent care. 

Gnu Briefly, then^ thy care unfold* 

-Bf, Mark ! it (hall be briefly told. 
^^^px^ Emmeline, you knew. 

Gr9U Youthful both/ and fair and trut. 
- Elf^ Thus their deilmy was read. 
While the fillers fpun their thread : 
" This youth a maid, this maid a youth muil find^ 
^ The beft, the fairefl, both in form and mind ^ 
^ Each, as a friend, mufl each efteem, admire \ 
^ Yet <:atch no fpark of amorous defire ! 
^ TiH this be done, no chance fliall blifs beftow, ^ 
'^ When thi« is done, no chance (hall work them wo !^* 

Grot, This was publifliM at their birth. 

E/f, Right ^ and well His known on earth* 

IGret. Bkft I wilh them— — 
Eif. So do I. , - 

Grot. Can you help them ? 

E/f, Certainly. 

Grot, Search the ifland round and round, <;./• ^ . 
None like either can be found. 

E/f, Each by each mull then be feeii ^ 
' But not lov'd— 

Grot. Hard tafk, I ween ! 

E/f, Hard the tafk ^ I know it welk 

Grot. How perform it ?— — — 

E^, I can telL 
Here the King purfues the chace 5 
All his nobles crowd the place : 
Emm^line here a youth appears, 
Gondibert the name flie bears c 
Edgar is a maid in drefs, 
Call'd Elfrida— ^ 

Grot* Now I guefs. 

E/f, To the youths t^e virgin feemS| 
Like himfelf, a youth ; and deems, 
Like herfelf, the youth a maid j 
Neither thus to love betray'd. 

Grot. You contrivM 

E/f I did , 

E z * <?/^.. 


Grot, But 

Elf, Stay! 
Mortal footfteps mark the way. 
Vanifti — quick : and leave me here : 
If conjur'd, I muft appear. 

[^Exit Grot ilia j Elfina retires^ 
JE»/^r Emmeline, difguifedin a man^s habit as 


'Emm, What a fituation am I in ? Is this figure 
Te ally ^nd truly Emmeline- — the beloved and only daugh- 
ter of great Northumberland ? Every thing about me is 
fo like a dream, that I am frighted to think I am a^ake. 
how weary I am of this drefs ! If I had known 
half that I ftiould have fufFered in it, all the fairies in the 
♦world fhould not have pcrfuaded me to put it on.-— If I 
refided here in this difguife the month of the king's 
hunting, I. was to break the fpell I was born under, and 
my lif^ was to be happy— fo the fairy told me ! Y et 
the time expires to-morrow, and nothing has happened 
to me but vexation and difappointment. I muft once 
'more fee this powerful yet decrepit being, who, though 
invifible, is f^lways within my call' ■ This ring, which 
(he gave me, convenes her : if I rake it off and touch it 
thrice, (lie appears— Once — twice — thrice \ 

[Elfina comes forward^ and touches her, 

Emm* O fairy ! my fituatioQ is fuch as I can bear no 

Elf, Patience J for it ends to-morrow. 

llmm* To-morrow I — to-morrow is a thoufand years. 
When the horfe has all h« can bear, a feather will 
43reak his back. 

Elf What's the matter > 

Emm, Matter ! why, in the firft place, I have lived al- 
mofl a month in a court 

Elf That y(»ur for row ? 

Emm* That my foprow ! Yes — I that have alwayjs li- 
ved in my father's principality, fair Northumberland, 
where a ftoble limplicity of manners ihewed the heart to 
be open and undefigning, have, by your perfuafion and 
afliftance, left it for a place, where hypocrify is avowed 
by the name of good-breeding \ where the moft (hame- 
ful Jicentio^facfs is jufti&^4 as gallantry ^ diflkaulation 



sind perfidj, as addreis and good management ; where 
felf-intercfl is profelTed as the fir ft piinciple of wifdom, 
and Tirtue and public fpirit derided as extravagance and 

Uf. But your drefs was your defence. 

Emm, O ! it is my drefs that expofes me to ibore than- 
balf that I fu£Fer. When one of my own fex is in com* 
pany, I am comparatively happy \ but how unfit for a 
woman'*s ear is the converfation of men, when it is not 
leflrained by knowing that a woman is prefent : I begin 
to fear that I fhould not have thought fo well even of 
thofe men I have been ufed to converfe with, if they 
had appeared to me as they appear to each other. ■ 
The £riend(hip and confidence of thefe lords of the crea- 
tion have almoft robbed me, a weak woman , of my al- 
legiance : I am- frighted at the thought of living among 
them.. ■ 

Elf, Feaop not vices you deteft. 

Emm» Fear not ! but what muft I hope ? O fairy ! if 
I have implicitly followed your inftru^ions, if I have 
hidden them in my bread from every friend, and even 
, from good Northumberland my father, let me no longer 
faSer the anguifh of fufpenfe. 

Elfu Perfevere \ believe 5 confide; 

Emm. But I have yet found no objeft worthy of my 

Elf. You mud find, and know it not* 
Such the fates ordainM thy lot ! 

Enun, I know the myftery of my fate — that the hap* 
pinefs of my life depends upon my feeing and making a 
&iend of the mod beautiful and accomplilhM of men^ 

i^ithout one thought of love Alas ! — forgive my 

doubts, my fear — ^(hould you 

EJf Hold ! of foul midrud beware — ^To-morrow-« 

Emm^ Well then, till to-morrow ■ 

Elf Soft unhallowed feet are nigh !— Flori- 

V men d 

Emm. O ! that wretch haunts me like my (hadow. 
To rally me for what he calls my virtue, feems to be hi» 
iupreme delight \ he is proud of his own infenfibility ta 
"what gives me pain ; the confufion he throws me into, 
he confiders as ateft of his. own abilities- aud-accompVi(h- 

£-3^ mexit&v 


xnents \ dnd as vanity is his predominent pafTion, he is fo 
afUduous to fecure the enjoyment of his fuperioriky, that 
I can fcarce efcape him one hour in a day. 

El/i He fhall work thee wo and weal, 
As to-morrow (hall reveal. 

Emm, But how ? whecc ? — dear, dear fairy I— 
E/f, ^Ha, ha, ha ! How and where mull flill pezpks 


Apd, in kindnefs, I mud vex ye«— -Ha, ha, ha ! 

[Elfina difappears. 

Efftm, Gone !— Myftery, perplexity, and diftrefs ! She 
fports, too, with my anxiety ! I almoU wifh I had not 
trufled her : but ^tis too late-^hcre comes florimond, 
and my torment begins. 

Enter Florimond, Jingtng. 

Flof. Ha! my little Goudibertus ! have I found you? 
W hat, all alone ? {Peeping about,^ "Egad I was it 
hopes there had been a wench in the cafe, and that I 
might have given thee joy of thy reformation. 

Emm^ Sir, I chofe to be alo&e. Solitude is fometimcs 
act only ufeful but pleafant. 

Flor.. Why,, 'tis a fine moon-light evening, indeed— 
But what the devi l ■ 

Emm, I have fufficient fubje6^ for ni^ditation, STr; 
and I hoped that, as there is 2^ ball at the caftle to-night, 
you would have been better engaged than to watch my 

F/or, What ! better engag'd than to raife fuch a re«- 
cruit for the l^eau mande as thou art \ ■■ Come, come, 
thou (halt not thus ileal away^ from good company to 

Emm, Sir, upoa my word, I am fit company for none 
but myfelf at prcfent. 

Flor, P(ha ! What, always muzzy, with a difmal 

'countenance as long as a taylor's bill! Come, cheer up, 
boy, I've news for thee. 

Emm, For me, Sir ? \^AlarnCdi» 

Flor, Ay, to divert thee, I mean 5 that*s all. 

Emm^ What, is it any thing uncommon then ? 
Florx No, faith, not very uncommon neither \ though, 
perhaps, thou may'fl make a wonder of it. — 'Tis only 
ian heirefs that's juii run away with a young fellow.. 


Emm* Tliaty indeed. Is not fo uncommon as might be' 
wHh'd. But who i%ii^l is (he of any fafhion ? 

Tlor. Yes, faith, (he is of fome fafhion \ Northumber- 
laod's fair daughter Emmeline, that^s all— - 

Emm. Oh !—— 

Thr, iWhat, thy virtiie is fliock'd at the Iicentiouf- 
Defs of the a^e ^' Ha, ha, ha !-— Or art thou a lover of 
the fair Emmeline^s ? hey ! 

Emm. {^Ajide^ What fhall I fay ? My confufion wilF 
certainly betray me ■ ^Twas- only a fudden pain (hot 
crofs my breaft.< But what particulars do you hear ? 

Elor. Why, it feems (he got leave of her father to fol- 
low him hither \ and it is juA accidentally difcovered,- 
that (he left ^h cadle the next day, though flie has not 
been here yet. 

Emm. Well} but why do you therefore eonclude that 
ihe^s gone off with a man ? 

Elor, Why, only becaufe the duke df Kent^s fon, Ed- 
gar, difappeared upon the fame pretence, jult at the fame 
Hme } and both have been miffing ever iince. 

Emm. And is this fu(Rcient to authorife a pofitive af*- 
fertion to the prejudice of a reputatioui which hitherto 
oot (lander itfelf has prefumM to (lain ? 

Elor. Ha, ha, ha ! Not (lander itfelf has pr^fumM to 
ilain ! Ha, ha, ha \ [M^niching her^ 

, Emm. {^Afide^ O my heart ! What new infult am I 
doom'd to fuffer ? — ^You'll excufe me, Sir, if upon this 
occafion I take the liberty to tell you, that your mirtk 
is rather ill-tim'd 5 and— — 

Elor. Sir— ^o you know this fair lady, that you are (b 
much difpofed to become her knight-errant ? 

Emm. [^Afide^ I muft be cautious, or my zeal may 
difcover me.— Sir, though I (hould not know her, it is« 
ny point of honour never to fuffer the ireputatioa of the 
abfent to be wantonly fported away upon, mere circum'- 
ftances and furmife. 

Elor. Your point of honour I— why, to be fure, all- 
this is very fine. But I'll tell you a fecrct, my dear— 
As unffain^d as you may think the fair Emmeline's re* 
potation, there is a certain humble fervant of yours, 
that (hall be Aamelefs^ who has fome fmall reafon ta 

E 4 think," 


)t04 KD6A11 AND BMMEL-mX; .^fgf /• 

think, that a certain piece of brittle ware^ which (he hatt 
the keeping of, may be a little crack'd— or fo. 

Emm, (^Afide,') A wretch ! who never faw me but in 
this difguife-r-You are well acquainted with her, tbett ? 

Flor, Why — I am 

Emm, x\nd, pray, what kind of a woman is fljc ?- 

Flor, Why ftie's a pretty*— —-upon my word, a very 
pretty wench. 

Emm, But is fhe tall, or fhort, or brown, or fair ? 

Flor, You have never feen her, you fay ? 

Emm, No more than I do this moment. 

Fkr, (ajide. ) Then I may venture— Why, ftic is fair^ 
tall, and ilender \ has a fine neck, a very fine neck ! her 
limbs remarkably well-turnM \ her leg and ancle the 
fineft I ever faw 

E?nm, {diftrefs^d and cof^oundid^ Oh ! 

Fior, Ay — I thought I (hould fet you a -longing : ut 
come, ihe^s uot to be had at prefent, it feems ;— fo na 
39iore (^f lijer. 

Emm. I cannot fo eafily difmifs her as you may ima- 
gine \ and yet, perhaps, you may miflake the reafon. 

Flor, Very likely, faith j but what is it \ 

Emm. Why, 1 am aflonifh'd that you make fo light 
of what has happenM to her ^ whether you confider it as 
the lofs of a miflrefs, or whether as a misfortune to a 
woman you muft be fuppds'd to have lov'd, and to whom 
you muft have had obligations of the ilrongeft and mofl 
tender kind : one of thefe lights you muft fee it in. 

Flor, Why, my dear, as to that I am extremely eafy 
about lofing her \ for between you and I— I cou'd fpare 
her. I mult, indeed^ coafefs, that I was very fond of her. • 
once 5 but, *faith, the obligations were all on her iidc— 
*Tis among ourfelves. 

Emm. {ajide^ O, my heart ! what a monftrous com« 
pound of vanity and lies is this ?— How fo, pray, Sir ? 

Flor^ Why, I us'd to meet her in her father^s park 
Bight after night, at the riflt of my life 5 and, i'gad, what 
with the. danger, and what with the fatigue, I grew tir'd 
of her 5 and, to tell you the truth, provided h^r ano- 
ther lover, to make good my retreat. 'Tis among our- 

F^nm'i Well faid-«— and whp vyas that, Sir ? 


Tlor, The very fame- JLdgar that fhe is now run away 
with. I thought it would be a pretty thing for him j 
for he is one of your fighting fellows, that is never fa- 
happy as when he's in danger b ut I'm forry he has- 
been fo indifcreet. 

Emm, Pray, Sir — excufe me — I don't pretend to quc- 
ftion the truth of what you fay : but there are fome dif- 
ficulties in the flory that I fhould be glad to have clear'd- 
up— If you was fo much in the lady £mmeline's good 
graces, and had, as you fay, no didike to her perfon, 
bow came you not to think of marrying her ? Such an 
alliance, I prefume,* would not have dishonoured you.— • 
Khali confound him now- [AJiJe, 

Flor, Marrying her! — I'gad, flie knew a trick worth 
two o' that ! I would have married her \ and I told her 
fo. " My dear Florimond," fays fh e h er arm was 
then lying negligently crofs my (houlder, thus— and (he 
look'd archly at me, thus—** My dear, Florimond,'* 
fays ihe, ** why (hould you and I, that have now only 
" the power of making each other happy, fufFer a doat- 
" ing old pricft to* give us the power of making each 
" other miferable ? If you were to be my huiband, you 
** might ceafe to be my lover ; and then," fays (he, with 
a^moft roguifh leer, " perhaps I might be tempted to take 
" another 5 you would tyrannize, I fhould rebel j you 
" would enjoy nothing but the hope of breaking my 
" heart, and I fliould enjoy nothing but the hope of 
'* breaking yours." 

Emm, {afide^ Still, dill I draw \ipon myfclf iiBore 
confufion. — But why, then, dfd fhe run away with Ed* 
gar > That nvuft ruin her fchemes both of intcrefl and^ 

Flor. Nay, how the devil can I tell that ? 

[Emmeline walks apart\ confused and embarrafs^d,- 

Flor, What, in your- reveries 1 — Thou att now mu- 
fing on feme vartuous love, like an ever faithful lovyer 
tell death— ha, ha, ha I— Come, come j— pflia, don't be 
a fool 5 fome kind wench now would cure you— I'gad, - 
what think you of Elfrida ? ' Come along, we'll call 
at her apartment : perhaps (he's drefling, aird we fliall be 
admitted to her toilet. Upon my foul, a fine figure of 
a woman ! a little naafculine, that's all> but, take my 

£ q word 



word for it, a delicious morfel for all that I — ^Hark ye— 
if you are not fhccpifh, {he'll not be coy : 'tis among ou»- 
felvps I tell you as a friend j faith, I don't love to 

monopolize I'll j.uft tickle up hex fancy a little , and 

leave you together. Come* 

Efnm* Pray, Sir- 

Tlor, I will, faith- 

Emm, I muft infift- 

F/or^ Nay, nay^ come along, come along^ 
\ [^Lays hold of her ^ 

Emm. Sir, I mud abfolutely be excused at prefent. 

Flor, Why, what a plague i& it now that thou ha& 
taken into thy head ? 

Emm* Sir, I have an affair that at prefent requires me 
to be alone •, whfch I cannot further explain, than 

Flor, Say no more, fay ho more, {jijide^ I^gad^ I 
have guefs'd it now— A challenge ? Why, there's 
light enough for two people to cut one another's throats 
by, to b^ fure — I'll away— —Well, my dear, if Lmufl 
leave you to the dpw and the moonfhine, I muft j — ^but 
d'ye hear — 'faith, I'll to Elfrida — will you follow me ? 
If you don't ftay too long, you'll find an attendriffement 
that you may be oblig'd to your humble fervant for 5— 
that's all — ^'tis among ourfelves. Adieu, [Exit^ 

Emm, Why, fare thee well, thou — wretch, without 
a name— —What will, what can, become of me ! What 
is it thaX prompts this |bol, whom, as I never knew, I. . 
never could provoke, to wrong me -thns ? — Is it a facri- \ 
fice to his vanity ? or is it mere wantonnefa andfport? i 
Pray heav'n this fairy don't deceive'me ! — What fliall I 
do ? I muft fee her, and take her counlel in this new 

[She takes off her ring^ and touches it thrice \ but i 
the Fairy does not appear. \ 

Ha !— fure I dream !— Forlorn' deferted I^ — ^this perfi- 
dious goblin ! ' Again I touch it 5 once — and twice-— 
and thrice — and yet fhe is not here I — O I could — But 
though I fee her not, fhe may be near me, to hear and 
puni(h the complaints which her unkindncfs forces from ' 
me— To whom can I now eafe my heart !— O I facred i 
friendfhip !— but here I have no friend. Elfrida — yes/ I 
ihe indeed; as if by fome fecrct fympathy, claims my 

coafidecce 3 


confidence 5 and my heart tells me, (he dcfervcs it— Yes' 
I will truft her with my fee ret : (he \»ill be a witnefaT 
for me againft this flander, and aflUl me with her ad- 
fice. " - \Exit. 

\7be SccHE cbangei to Edgar'/ apartment^ and dif- 
covers him at a toilet^ dreffing in the cbaraBer of 
Elfrida ^ a woman attending, 
Edg, Here, give me the ribbons . ■ Get you gone 
——I'll call you when I want you. 
Worn, (afide.^ This lady has the flrangeft humours f 

Edg. Was ever man in fuch ridiculous dillrefs ? I'm 
fare I never knew any thing like it fince I was Edgar' 
the fon of Kent. Here have I had a young tempting 
girl fiddle-faddling about me thefe two hours to drcfs 
nc, forfooth— with an ofHcious handinefs fo provoking, 
thai nd virtue under that of a*ftock-fifti could endure it 

patiently. ^Yet an old woman upori thefe occafions I 

cannot beas.:*-;and, in fhort, I can no longer bear a 
young on^.— It is my f^te, they fay, to be miferable if 
I don't get acquainted with the fineft girl in England, . 
without wiihing for her j and I was told by a little gob. 
lin that darted up before me, after it had led me, unde 
the appearance of a Jack o' Lantern^ into a wood, that 
if 1 could fpend the king's hunting-month here in thi» 
difguife, all would be right ? but how my being in pet- 
ticoats fliould make me lefs likely to love a fine, girl, I 
cannot conceive ! A fine girl, indeed, may be lefs likely 
to love me 5 but as to myfelf, it is high time for me to 
g«t into breeches, that I may get out of temptation.— 
Here they flock about me — -—one fits down juft before 
'le, and, without any ceremony, ties her garter— ano- 
ther gets me to adjuft her tucker.— Pm the witnefs oi{o 
Jnany pranks, and the confident of fo many fccrcts !— - 
Thcn^I have my hours of mortification too: I am tor- 
niented by a-fwarra of profligate fops, who try to dc- 
Wch every woman they fee, with as little concern as 
they take fnuff j^— wretches who arc as dcilitute of love- 
z^they arc of virtue, and have as little enjoyment as thry 
have underftanding ! — And here 1 am obliged to mince,. 
^d pilh, and fie — and affeft to blufti-— 'i'death, when 

E 6^ l'» 

I'm burflihg v^itb itidignation, and long, to knock ^em 
down Vl\ bear it no longer. 

[Elfina fuddenly appears from under the toilet^ and! 
places herfelf before htm,'] 

Edg. Ha 1 What, again ! » 

Ef, Again, 

Edg. Art thou my good or evil genius ? Tell mew 

E/f, As you think me, you ftiall find me. 

Edgi I will think thee then my good genius 5 for £ 
■would fain find thee fo. 

Elf You muft trufl me too, or elfe 

Edg. Truft you !— Look at the figure I make here,, • 
and then judge i£ I have not trufled you. 

E/f. But your virtue muft be tried. 

Edg, Tried ! — By. what new toi:ments would you try 
it ? Have I not fuffered the two worft things in nature^ 
temptation and fufpence > Have not J 

£^^ No— yotthave not perfevered : all is loft if you- 
give out. 

Edg. Refolve my doubts,, then 5 torment me no longer- 
•with fufpenfe : let me be certain of the event, and I wiJL 
be an anchorite, in fpite of this habit and all its woEks>. 
a month longer. 

E/f. Well — Obferve me, then, and learn. 

Edg. {eager /y.^ What (lialll learn ? 

E/f Patience, Edgar ! — Fare thee well. Ha, haf 
\ [A machine rifes under her, and carries her awayi 

Edg, Derided,, and forfaken ! 1 doubt this is one 

of the wanton and mifchievous elves that tantalize poor, 
mortals for their own, diverfion : however, as I have . 
played in the farce fo long, I'll not flop in the laft- 
fcene, j ■ 

J?;?/fr Woman.. 

Wom^ Ma'am, here's my Lord Trifle has fent his com- 
pliments to your la'fhip, and begs to know whether he 
fhall have the honour of waiting upon your la'fhip to tlie. 

Edg* (recovering his female attitude and accent,^ My 
compliments, am much oblig'd to his.Lordfhip^ but axa> 

Worn. Yfe$, Ma'am,. 

Edg. Haxk y^— % 



Worn. Ma'gm. 

Edg. Has Gondibert calPd here tliis ev:eDing ? 

Worn, No, Ma'am. 

£^. Nor fent > 

^w. No, Ma'am* ' \_Eicif^ 

Edg, There **$ a man, now, "who might atone for the 
vices of the whole fex ! I am fo anxious to recommend 
myfelf to him, even in this diiguife 5 and feel fiich a rt» 
ludance to do any thing that may difguft him, even 
while he thinks me a woman y that when he is prefent, I 
labour to make my manner fuit with my appearance, I 
know not how, by a kind of involuntary effort. How 
iiniDge is the rapidity with which fome minds unite ! 

Enter Woman. 

Worn. Ma'am, there's Count Florimond. 

Edg. Bid not I tell you 

Worn. Yes, Ma'am j and I told him — ^but he faid he- 
knew your la'fhip was at home, and that he mufl fee 

Edg, Muft fee me ! 

Worn, Yes, Ma'am ^ and though I told him your la'- 
fliip was a-dreffing, yet he would follow me "O Lord, 
be's the ftrangeft man* H e's here, an plcafe your la% 


Enter Florimond* 

Edg, {a fide,) What a farce mull I now a£l ! Pray 
heav'n it has not a tragical catailrophe ! 
» Flor, My dear goddefs ! 

Eldg, Lord, how can you be fo monftrous rude ! ■ ■ 
burfting into one's dreffing-room— and putting one 
into fuch flurrie s 

{He fumbles at pinning on a breafl knou- 

Flor, That your heart beats in concert with mine 
The dear toilet is not more the altar of beauty than of 
love— ^Permit me the honour, Ma'am, of. aflifting to 
place that envied ornament on your bofom, 

Edg, Lord, Sir ! — I beg — not for the world— you 
^uite confound me- 

Flor, {frejfihg^ My life ! my angel ! 

[Catches him hajlily round the wajft^ and endeavours 

to kifshim; upon which Edgar gvoes him a /mart 

blow on the ear, ' ^ , 



Edg. Nay, then, there is no expedlent- 
Flor, (rietnating backward,') Ma'am !• 

[Edgar^/j/«/»j-, and Florimond ftarts^ and retreats 

farther back at the fame time. 
Emmeline, as Gondibert, appears at the door* 
Fior. I proteft, Ma'am [Frighted^ 

^*^S* {.fi^^'^b*) ^"^ ^ proteft, Sir ■ ■ 

Fldr. .Ma'am, I beg — 

Edg* And I beg, Sir 

Flor, {turnings and feeing Gondibcrt.) O. 

Ma'am, your moft humble ferrant. , [Going, 

Emm. ^Afde to Flor.) Sir I am under very great 
obligations to you— but I would not have you tickle- 
up her fancy any more, upon my account. 

Flor. Deuce take you ! I wifh y<m had been as 

near her as I was. • 

\ls goings but again flops and adjufts his *ivig by^ a- 
pocket mirror, 

Edg. {to Emmeline, recovering himfelf and adjufling^. 
bis drefs.) Lord, Sir — I'm in fuch a flurry — 1, I, I, I'm 
very forry I fhould have beea provok'd to any thing fo- 
unbecoming the delicacy of my fex. 

Flor, Upon my foul, fo am I too Sir, your 

bumble fervant. [Exitk 

Emm. You have no risafon to apologize for your in- 
dignation^ Madam j though your blow w-as ibmething 
fpirited. I mull confefs. 

Edg. I'm in fuch confufion, Sir— and he has made me 
fttch a figure ! to treat me with indecent familiari- 

ties ! 

Emm. Dear Madam, compofe ydurfelf, and think n©» 
more of him. He has not been much better company 
to me than he has to you, l*llaffure you. 

Edg. Lord, Sir, you furprife me !— — Pray, what 
impertinence has he been guilty of to you ? 

Emm. He has been filling my ears with fcandal, Ma- 
dam ; a fubjeft which feems to be equally fuitable both 
to his abilities and difpofition ! He h«s been telling me^ 
that Edgar ■ ■ 

Edg. Who, Sir ? [Hqftily. 

Emm. Edgar^ Madam, the fon pf the Earl of Kent-^ 



^^. What' of him, Sir ? ^What fcandal has he 

f pread of Edgar ? 

Emm^ [^Afide) Ha ! fo interefted I— She loves him, 
fure. ^ 

Edg, Let me conjure you, Sir, if this wretch ha« 
faid any thing to difhonour Edgar, you would tell it to 

Emm. {^AJlde^ It muft be fo — Your very carneftnefs 
forbids me« Madam. 

Edg, I know I'm moved> and you mufl think it 

Emm, {/urpris^d at the mafculine tone and manner into 
wbicb bis earneflnefs involuntarily betrays hunJ) Strange 
indeed ! 

Edg, Perhaps, 'tis flranger ftill than you can think* 

Emm, Your manner. Mada m 

Edg, No matter— ^— Forms and modes, become trifles 
too (mail for notice, when tkey ilandiu competition with 
k friend's good name. 

Emm, {AfideJ) Her love is to diftraftioa She 
fiights me, and is not to be t'rufled- 

Edg, Let me conjure you tell nie — — 

Emm, I cannot tell you. Madam. 

Edg, Cannot I 

Emm, I ought not— Truft me, there arc reafbns-— - 
Let it fufRce, that in the flory I have heard, a lady's 
honour is as much concerned as Edgar's ^ that the i)an«- 
der cannot intereit you more^ than me) that 1 will do 
my utmoil to make its falfehood fo notorious, that it 
cannot be believ'd j and I in treat, that, as you tender 
your peace, you would as yet inquire no farther. —I 
know myfelf not proof agarinft your importunity ', and 
therefore you will excufe me, if, having no other way, 
1 favc myfelf by flight. {^Exit. 

[Edgar runs ouP after her^ hut retumsi, 

Edg, Cuife on this cumberfomc habit ! 1 cannot over- 
take him. Was ever any thing fo vexatious I 1 have 
been defam'd by fome fcandalous falfehood, and I mud 

do my honour juftice -1 can, at a fmall expence of dif- 

fiamlation, get- that wretch, Florimond, to repeat to me 
' all that he has told to Gondibert ; I will do it — - — and 

I wiU 


I will as yet He in ambulh under this difguire, to inak' 

jure of my blow. \ExU 

Emmeline, aj Gondibert, re-enters. 

~ She's gone ! What can I, or what ougfa 

If I had told her the flory, 1 niuft have difco 
yfelf, to convince her it eould not be true : bui 
<ws what a jealous woma^j might have though) 
ding the rery pcrfon who it faid to have goat 
her lover in fo Grange a difguife ?-■■ Yet tht 
tainly contrive to hear it from Florimood ; and 
>d heaven ! what will Ihe fuffer if 1 do not coa* 

r that it is falfe ! 1 muft, I vrill truft her— 

o bther chance to f^ve her, but by making a difl 
which, if 1 had really- gone off with Edgar, q 
1, I fhould not have made, cfpeci»lly to hoi 
iilf not intrude upon her now .' I will plant tnyJ 
re I may intercept her before flie can fee FlonI 
id Iruft to generous friendfhip for the event, 'i 

A C T 11- 

ScKNB, Tie Terrace at WiriJ/or Cafik.. 

Enter Florlraond, with a Letter.. 


-ftie was obliged to be angry, becaufe "that !v» 
tt appear'd juft in the ciitical minul 
-Pox take him I 1 might have I 

natural, by her overdoing it — it was, indeed 
; with a vengeance ! But now (he's ir 

I fliould refent it. Now (he has IWmetbing ■ 
I — if I am difengag'd — (be will be glad to ni 

the terrace. If I ftiould humble her now, 1 
. her — but that would be cruel. I will, hM 

,e fome ftate ijpon me 1 will look a 

it may fave me fome trouble in my fiitut 
— Here the comes. 
Enter Y.<ig3v,Jii!l dSfguis'J ai Elfrida, 
orimond receiver him ■with an air of iteglign 
aughtine/s, and rnaiei a formal bow. '. 

Sir, I hope you will not take any advantifc^ 
inefs— ■ I 


Flor, (Jurning J^em ber.y Weaknefs T pox on you !— 
Your weaknefs don't lie in your arm, I'm fure o' that. 

Edg. (following^ Or fuppofe, Sir, that whatever rca- 
Ibn I may have for defiring this meeting W hat airs 
the wretch gives himfelf ! {AJtde,^ I fay, Sir, tha^ 

you would not fuppofc- 1 cannot contain myfelf— - 

Flor, Poor foul ! what confufion } I will relax a little 
of my fe verity. {Afide.^ — Madam, I will fuppofc no- 
thing, but that you have given -me another opportunity 
of hearing your commands. 

Kdg. I think, Sir, you was telling Gondibert a cer- 
tain affair between you and Edgar and a lady *, and 
fomething that, by his manner of telling it, I could not 
very well underftand. 

Flor, (AJide,) Aye a very good introdu6tion ■ 
a love ftory is a moft excellent prelude to a love fcene 
I perceive we are to adjourn Why, Madam, a 
certain fair lady calPd Emmeiine, has thought fit ta 
make Edgar as happy as any man can be made, except 
him, Madam, whom you fhall pleafe to honour with 
tlie fame favour. Upon my foul, flic's a fine crca* 

turc ! ^ ^ 

Edg, Sir, your compliments really put mc fo out of 
countenance— that I (hall blufli to death — 

Fior, Your bluflies are fo becoming. Madam, that— • 

Edg, Give me leave. Sir, to inCreat that you would 
at prefent fpare my confufion, and tell me all the par- 
ticulars of that affair which have comi^ to your know- 

Flor, Aye She wants a lufcious^elcription, now. 
{^AJide^ — Why, Madam, I prefume that Edgar, being;^ 
fir'd with the charms of Emmeline, firfl gaz'd languiih- 
ingly upon her j caught her eyes the firft time they were 
eafually turn'd upon him \ when, to a foft confufion, (he 
haflily turn'd her look downwatd, and blulh'd \ he- took 
hei: hand, firft prefling it gently in his own, then raifin|^ 
it to his lips ^ then, Madam, I prefume he might pro- 
ceed in , 

Edg* Sir ! ■ I (hall certainly be out of patience, 
aod kaock him down. (^4/<p.)''*— — Sir> if you have any 



defirc to oblige me or have any etpedations, Sir, of 
favours— Not, Sir, that I-r— 

Flor, My dear an^el, keep me no longer in fufpenfe j 
let me know your commands, that I may fulfil the^'con* 
dition o f \J^reffing^ 

Edg, (drawing bacJ^.) Hcdd, Sir — ^Yoa muft then,, 
without farther delay or interruption, give me a dired 
anfwer to a few fhort queftions. 

Flor^ Why, Mads^m, it fhall then be in your own way, 

J£dg, Firfl then, Sir, are you acquainted with "K^gas^ 
the young heir of Kent ? 

Flor, Why, Madam, to proceed implicitly as you di- 
re^, I believe there are few perfons who know more of 
that gentleman than .your humble fcrvant. 

Edg. {afide.) Matchlefs impudence ! ■ And pray. 
Sir, what kind of a youth is he ? 

Flor, {qfide,) I fee by'lier curiofity fhe don't ktK>w 
him W hy, Madam, the youth ks ^^ a, a, rather foft 
■ a green youth, Madam, as wc fay— — 

Edg. Sir, thefe are- terms that I do not perfe^^Iy 
comprehend \ and therefore I beg you would be more 

Flor, Why, then, explicitly, Madam, he is upon my 
foul, a (hallow fellow-— a very {hallow fellow, fait h ■ 
'Tis among ourfelves^ 

Edg, He is ? 

Fior, He is indeed. Madam— The poor devil" has 
fome aukward good nature, and I have a kindnefs for 
him 'j but, between you and I, he'll never be fo much a 
man of honour as I could wifh bini- 

Edg, {forgetting his feminine charaBer^ and running uf- 
to him.) How ! villain ! ■ 

Fior, {Jrighuned^ and drawing back,^ Ma'am ! — 

Edg, [ajide,') What have I done ! {He draws himfelf 
again into form.) To think of villainy in people that, 
by their rank, are fet up as examples to others, quite 
tranfpoits me out of myfelf — ^Heigh ho ! — It has quite 
overcome me. 

\^^ffeBs to he faint ^ and takes out a fmeiling-bottle*, 

Flor, {afide,) What a terrible virago it is ! May 

I prefume, Madam, to lend you my hand ? 

^ . [^j4j>froacbing cauttoujly^ 



Rdg, It is over, Sir— I'm fo fubjc^ to ffurries^- 
and my poor nerves are fo fhattered— -I'm extremely 
obiigM to you for this chara6ler of Kdga r To have 
been guilty of any thing bafe ! 

Ylor, Very bafe, I affure you, Madam 

Edg, Sir I {^AJfuming a fierce mafcuUne air^ but iit* 

fiantly correBing bimfelf,) 

Fior. Ma'am i {Starting back.) 'Fore gad, fhe** 

mad ! ^and, upon my foul, in my opinion, damnably 

mifchievous. {^j^de* 

Edg. Give me leave, Si r ■ a s well as I am able 
"——to afk you what in particular ha s i b ut I fee 

company coming I f we walk this way, we fliall avoid 

Fior, {afide.) Avoid tfaem !—— -Heaven forbid !— • 
Perhaps, Madam, another time— 

Edg. Sir, I (hall die if my curiofity is not gratified* 

Fhr, Mada m at prefent, I a m ■ 

Edg, Sir, I beg' f or my reputation, that we may 
aot be furpris'd together while I'm in this diibrder. 

Flor, By no means. Madam— ——let us part this mo- 
ment— —If you'll go off one way, I'll go the other. 

Edg, O not for the world I T o be fcen to pari 
hadily, upon, being obferved together, would be the 
fubjed^ of eternal fcandal Let me beg the favour of 
your ar m [Lay^ kold oft bis arm* 

F/or, (crying out,) Lard Gad, Madam ! ■ » ■ 

Edg. Sir ! . . 

F/or, You'll pince it through. 

Edg, Lord, Sir, 'tis my fright— one naturally clafps 
iny thing hard in a fright. 

F/or, Madam, you do me honou r 

[Edgar bo/ds bis arm ; be keeps as far off as be caft^ 
and fixes bis eyes upon bim as they go out. 
By the heavens ! (he has the grip of a bum-bailiff. (A* 
J^e,) lExeunt. 

Scene, '^be dark Grove* 
* Enter Elfin a, 
• * E/f. Sifter ! (titer J . [ Grot ilia ><jS/^«-^ appears. 

* Grot, ■ ■ Here am I. 

* Elf. Now the fate dhour is nigh, 

* Keep the lover a in yout eyc% 

*^ « Each 


* Each to each (hall foon be known j 
' Each for each was born alone. 

* Grot, Florlmond, the caitiff vile 

* E/f, They (hall profpcr by his guile :- 

* (Evil we for good permit) 

* This their friendfhip's knot (hall knit. 

* But the fated hour is nigh 

* Come, ye elves, whofe minds perceive, 

' By fecret irapulfc, what I will ; 

* Come, your fports this moment leav^ 

* And what I ordain fulfil. 

* iMany Fairies fuddenly appeat 

* Now the fated hour is nigh, 

* To rites that charm from ill apply. 

* Form the circle on the dew, 

* [They form a -ring^ 

* Round, and round, the track renew* 

^' [They ddncei 

* Mark it thrice, and thrice again—— 

* Join with me the magic flrain* 


* By the bat's nodurnal flight 

* O'er the deeping plants and flow'rsL 

* By the moon's inconftant light, 

* Potent fpell of midnight hours- 

* By the ring of various dyes, 

* Circling oft the iilver ball j 
^ By the genial miils that rife, 

* By the virgin-dews that fall- 

* By the meteor's gleamy fpark, 

* Wand'ring o'er the reedy lake ; 

* Stars that (lioot athwart the dark, 

* Lights from polar (kies that break ^ 

* By night and all things that to night pertain- 

* Ye rival powers, from adverfe arts abftain ! 

* Intrude not now my purpofe to conteft ; 

* But let the pair that I would blefs, be bleft* 
5 £lf' Ceafe, the fated hour is nigh ! 

' Ceafe, and to the cattle fly ! 

* Careful watch tfie great event, 
^ Finilh'd e'er the day be fpent. 

* [Fairies and thefcene dif appear together^ 




Enter Emmeline di/gnifedas Gondibert. 
Emm. Slie's gone out, and I have unfortunately xnified 
her— She's certainly gone to Florimond— Ha ! 
yonder they are 'Y es, it is certainly fo W hat 
"Violent emotion ! N ow they move haflily forward- 

Now ihe (lops fhort h er geftures are fcarce feminine 

—Now fhe recovers herfelf Florimond, too, feems 

to be frighted out of his gallantry, and extremely will- 
ing to put an end to the converfation— 'Tis over! he 
leaves her, and Qie comes this way.— ——Yes, I will open 
my whole heart to hear j not for my fake now, but her 
own. Whatever are the fir ft fallics of her furprife and 
paflion, (he muft at length feel and return my friendfhip. 
H ere fhe comes : I muft not accoft her too abrubt« 
ly, [Retires to a Utile dtftance. 

Enter "E&gKt^JliiJ as Elfrida. Seeing Emmeline, bejlopt 


Edg, Ha ! Gondibert- ^1 know the generous rea- 

fen, now, of his referve. In this difguife, what could 
my. intesfift in Edgar appear to him but love ? — and if 
it had been fo, how muft I have been hurt by what he 
had to tell me ! — But he is not lefs interefted in the lady 
— .fo he faid — ; — ^Sure then he is to Emmeline what he 
thought Edgar was to me ! Let me, then repay his 

generous kindncfs ; let me difcover, not only what, but 
who I am, to convince him that the tale is falfe, which, 
if true, muft deftroy his peace. [Going up to Emme- 
line. J— —You need not ftiun me. Sir •, I have now no- 
thing to afk that you would wifhto conceal : 1 have on- 
ly to rcqueft that you would forgive me for having vio- 
lated your injunflion not to fatisfy the curiofity you" 
hadraifed. I am apprifed of your kind, your generous 
motive ; and it has infpired my breaft with all that it is 
ppfTible I (hould feel for you, a grateful and ardent 

Emm. Your love. Madam, I make no doubt is fixed 
on a much nobler and more defer ving obje£l. Edgar, I 
prefume— — 

Edg. My conne6Hon with Edgar, Sir, is indeed, in 
feme fenfe, the reafon why your merit cannot make an 
imprefljon, which I am not a&amed to fay it might 
Qlhcxwife have done ; and yet, Sir, l«t,mc confefs that 

\ am 


I am not afiFeded by the flory of his difappeariug- vrith 
Kmmellue, as you might reafoDably imagine, becau£e I 
know for certain that it cannot be true. 

Emm, {haflilj^ Ha ! that it cannot be true'* > 

Edg. I now owe your friendfliip a difcovery, if indeed 
it is a difcovery, which I was prompted by mere regard 
to my felf to 'have made before; I think there is a con* 
ne£lion between you and Emmiline, that 

Emm, There is indeed, a connedlion, Madam,— a {e« 
cret which you convince me it is now in vain to a£Ec€t 
to hide— — 

Edg, Let me, then, claim it-«*But let me firil, as a 
pledge of that friendfhip which I hope (hall but end with 
our lives, give for yXiUT fecrct mine— 

Emm, Do not, then, keep me longer in fufpenfe y for 
ilill the more we talk, the more I am perpiexM — -(./^4(^.) 
What can her fecret be ? 

Edg, Why, then, in the firft place, Sir,— ^I am— a 
man.— — 

Emm, {ajide^ with great emetion^ which Jhe labours /• 
conceal,^ A man ! Good Heaven ! what will become 
of me ? 

Edg. And now let me once embrace you as a friend: 

pundlilios and forms no longer part us 

\ \_As Edgar advances eagerly to £mmeline,yi&^ bides 
herface^ ^nd appears in great confufion, 

Edg, (^hajlily^ What ails my friend ? 

Emm, O ! you have ruined all my pleaiing projeA.— » 
prevented — but no matter-^— 

Edg, This is amazing \ For Heaven's fake, what d'ye 
mean ?— You was not fure enamoured of my perfon-— 

Emm, O ! n o You ftill miftake 

Edg, Then tell me my miftake : for we may now con- 
vexfe on even terms : our hearts may now be opened to 
each other, without the forms and the refer veprefcribed 
in friendfliips with the fofter fex. 

Emm. O 1 ftill you wander, wider and wider ftill— I 
cannot fpeak— 

Edg, You muft — There is a fecret which, but now, 
your heart was ready to reveal 
. Emm. And then I thought it known«-but now 

3 ^^&^ 


Eiig, Now mj warm heart has claimM you for mj 
Ernm» And nowc^to tell it, is impoflible— I cannot tell 

it ani} if I could, you would not find the friendOiip 

that you hop e . 

[Edgar looks eameftly at ber^ wondering andembar* 
{Afide,) I flcken at his fight — ^Oh my heart ! 

Edg. I'm all perplexity and wonder ! — ^Your colour 
comes and goes, like a fick girP s ' {She becomes more 
confitfed, as be marks ber confufion. You tremble !— 
Heavens ! he faints ! — (He catcbes ber in bis arms^ and 
difctroers ber breajl^ By all my wonder and my joy, a 

<woman ! How lovely her confufion ?— O let my bo» 

ibm warm thee back to life ! Look up, and trull the ho- 
nour of my love : you (hall not whifper what you would 
•conceafl j jior will I feek to know it. \Sbe recovers. 

Emm, G ! let me hide me from myfelf— my fex thus 
known J n 4his difguife \ Where ihall my confcious 
bluihcs find a ▼«! ? — —Who are you ? Tell me, that I 
nay hide me from your fight for ever. 

Edg, Oh ! 'no— —On that condition, let me ne'er be 

Emm, Yet tell me— traft m e ' 

Edg. Trull the0 ! Yes, with my life I'd truft thee.— 
Thy friend ! — ^O ! know me by a fofter name — is Kent's 
young heir^ that Edgar you have heard fo falfely and fo 
wantonly traduc'd. ^ 

Emm, Still wonders crowd on wonders ! 

Edg, I dream myfelf, or this is all enchantment. 

Emm. So might you think, indeed, if^more you knew 

Edg, Let me, then, know thee, more, whom now I 
knaw as the moft fair and gentle of thy fex 5 whom yet 
1 faw and loved without defire — my pledge of happinefs ! 
—May I be thine !— But yet I rave- thy fate was not 
like Edgar's 

Emm, Spare me— thy words have pow'r, which yet 
thou know'ft not, 

Edg, O ! take me from the rack ! My thoughts grow 
Wild ! I ■ I T here is, indeed, a maid, whofe fate I've 
"icttd was fttch as mine— »that £mmeUne— «0 I Heav'n, 



that Emmeline, in whom I thought thy intereft, love I 
O ! yes, it muft, it (hall — thou, thou art ftie ! \ 

Emm, Leave me, or I (hall die with my confufion— 

E^g^ Let me fupport thee, hide thee in my breaft, 
where thou (halt breathe thy anfwer in a figh.— •AjjI 
thou not Emmeline, my fated love ? - 

Emm, If Emmeline be thy fated love— -I am— — 

Ei/g, Still let me clafp thee clofcr, and clofer Jftill 5 
calm all the tumults of thy feeling mind, and footbe the(^ 
into confidence by l«vc, 

Emm. No\ let me now retire 5 for in this drefs I caiM 
not bear to fee myfelf or you. 

Edg, Yet (lay— forgive the violence I do you. 'Mm 
fame and your^s are wantonly traducM ^ 'tis fit that w9 
do juiVice to them both, and punifh the traducer. 

Emm, He is not worth refentment. 

Ei/g, He is for others fakes, though not his owa.-— I. 
have a thought, would Emmeline but join. 

Emm. Tell me, then, quickly. . 

Et/g, Send him a challenge in behalf of Emmeline^ 9M 
Gondibert ', and meet him, not as Gondibert, but EnH 
meline : I will take care to be prefent, not as Elfrid^ 
but Edgar : he will then be felf-convi6led as a liar, bfS 
knowing neither of the perfons he has de^imM ^ and w^ 
may farther punifh him as we pleafe. 

Emm, Well, I will try at this j but now diTmifs 

l^Sbe breaks Jrom his handy and runs 

Edg, Farewel, my love ! How has the hand 
heav'n vouchfafed to guide me through all the mazes 
my fate to blifs ! Even my revenge, my juilice rathcr|i 
lipon that wretch, whofe very folly is envcuom'd, fhall bCi 

complete but a mind fo bafe can never be brave-* 

Suppofe he fhould not come-s— He*s here. 

f Enter Florimond. Seeing Edgar, he^opsjbort, 

Flor, Gad take me— this damn'd madwoman is Cer^ 
tainly fated to be my death. 

lY^dgar advances iowardt him 'y he draws haci^ ami 

looks frighted, 

Edg, Sir, I am fo (hock'd when I refleft upon the 
indecorums that iny paffions have made me guilty of to 
you, and my poor fpicits arc fo flurried^ that I really am 
not able to make my apology, 



F/or, Ma^am, I am extremely forry— — and, Ma^am, 
I muH abfolutely fly frcmi your iadyihip^s apology — 

Edg, Sir, I mud beg the favour of your ear for a fevr 
nnutes— *-*-! hope. Sir, you will pardon my confufion 
——I have lomething to fay to you, Sir, that— Let 
ne htg, Sir, that you would come a little neair r ■ ' 

Flor, {afide,^ Box on her (he wants to faften her 

Jamn'd claws upon me again—— {To btr.) Your com^- 
mands, Madam, always do me honour-— and, upon my 
(IniI, always leave me black and blue. {^jijule^ 

Edg: 1 have juft heard, Sir, fomethlng that has fluf- 
ttted me to fuch a degree 

FIt, [afide.^A.j ^auother^ fright ! (he^ll certainly 

Iiy hold of me — (Retiring,^ Ma'am— -a, -i^ a, I hope 
there's no danger threatens your ladyfhip— 

Edg, Not diie^lly me, Sir ^ nor kidtfed muth danger 
to you : but I was willing you fliould be preparM.-^- 

flor. Danger— ^prepar'd—— For hcav'a's fake, Mt- 
^m, what d'ye mean •' 

Edg, Why, Gendiberc, 5ir— — you*ll^xcufc my free* 
i 4om— Lard, that I (hould be fo indticreet — Pm fenfible 
I that the interelt I take in this affair may be liable to 
conftrudions of fuch a nature — that— 

Flor, Lord, Ma'am, if there is any villainous deiign 
.againfl Ime, I befeech you to let me know it — (JLooking 
i^oa/.) Perhaps we had better change our ground | fome 
villain may be taking aim at tne as I ft and. 

Edg, You need not be under fuch appreheniions, Sir^ 
it is a matter of no confequence— It is only that Gon- 
dibert is to fend you a challenge for the liberty yoa 
ha7e taken with lady Emmeline ^ that's all 

Fior, Oh, if 'tis only an intention of Gondibcrt to 
cat my throat, to be fi;re, that's a mattec^of no confe* 
qucDce— A bloody-mi<ided ruffian ! \^Afide* 

Edg, Why, Sir, to itoy certain knowledge, Goiidibert 
knows no more of a fword than a girl of eighteen ^ and 
las not a grain more courage* 

Flor, {^taking courage,') Why, as to that, Madam— 

Edg, As to that. Sir, I am confident it would ^roake 
no difference to you \ but as I know he won't fight, and 

Vol. IV. . F only 

only prefumes upon an infolcnt opinion that Count Flo*, 
rimond's courage is as qucftionablc as his own. 

Fior. {IfluJIering.) Hew, Madam ! . 

E^g. Lard, Sir, if you are fo violcAt, I (hall certainly 
fall into my tremors— I (haU certainly want the fupport 

of your arm. • , » /t 11 i„ 

Fior. {ajide.:) Mercy upon me! and rihiU want but 
very little killing -afterwards if you do. ' , 

Edg. I fay, Sir, I think he ihould be properly cxpoPdj 
and I hope you'll aft ficcordingly. ^ 

Flor, Madam — excufe me — a coward is my avcrfiou^ 
-and you may depend upon his being chaftifed with moft 

exemplary feverity But I fliould be forry to miftak« 

his charaacr. {4fide.)^You know he^ won't fight ?— 

Edg. (a little hqftily.') Sir, if you fulpcd my vcraa- 

Flor. O Lotd, Madam — no, not in the leaft. 

Edg. You'll excufe me, Sir •, I am really aiham'd~ 

of the liberty I have taken Sir, your humble fcrvant. . 


Flor. Madam, your moft obedient Thank heav'n 

(he's gone— It was a lucid interval j but it would no* 

have been of much longer continuance., I'm oblig'd to 

^her though for her information— indeed am I— Egad, 

I'll make a figure in this bufinefs But if the chal- 

jlenge is coming, I muft beat home to receive it. ^^ 

< Enter feverul Fairies, 
* 1 Fairy. Come away, come away ! 
« We have jubilee to-day. 

< 2 Fairy. Wherefore, wherefore ? 

< 3 Fairy. Tell me. 

-< 4 Fairy. Tell me. - , , t 

< X Fairy. E'er the evening iheds the dew, 

' « You (hali know j and you, and you. . 

< 2 Fairy. What is finifti'd ? 
-* « Fairy. What is plann'd ? 

*■ 1 Fairy. Peace— the fitter's arc at hand.' 
^nter Elfina ' ««// Grotilla with many Fairies in gro^ 

.< tefque charaBers.^ ^ 
JElf. Now we triumph ?— now 'tis paft ? 

* SpclU are broken, joy (haU lafU • 

^O IF. XD6A& AND EUlfELINX. f 2 a 

X»ct the voice of mufic rife j 
Mafic, gmtcfitl to the ikies. 

. AIR, with Cboruu 
We tnamph we triumph, with viaory bleft ; 
And beauty and truth are of pjeafure poffcfsM. 
Let mortals be told and rejoice in the found. 

No loverjT henceforward by fate fhallbe bound :« 
^ere^s now nofconditions of picafure but two, 
Which they all may fulfil-to be tender and tiir. 

' Elf. Now let ev V elf and fay ^"^ ^"'^^ 

* Dance the laughing hours away : 

Lot your nimble feet rebound, 
' Lightly from the daified ground j 
I . Trip It round, and round, and rounds 

\ ^vif^ ^» [A dance 

r -S^.C^^-r/^f^-WHift-anjortal foot is nigh ; 
' None muft here remain but I. * ' 

^Tagef"^ ^^""' ""*" '^'^'' '» 'be hack ./ 

F/or. This IS the place, and this is the time ^but 

J fee no figns of my Uttle Gondibertus—HTrCf 
comet a Aona roba, whom I haw t>^ ♦!.- l * 
W._Egad, this*"wll,tlo«f:Sl an'eX*** 
nry muchto my honoar~I'U make the moftof h • Si 
.jrt^her into my bufineft here, without feeming "; feS 

; ^^«» J often looking on bis v>atcb^ affialgXt 

rU mS^himTn''' "I" "^^ ."?•» ''^ ^n Challenge- 

Lnr TfT "^ r\'* '* " *° i-f^lt « man of he 
Hour— .If the wretch had met wtVl, «! •"»" « no- 

riven him k:. i.v u "° ""'» I would have 

I giyen Jiim bis life ; but now to fnar» i,;— r i . 

mankind ' Ha i / ")"\ '° V *,°"°~~* Randal to 
Kne^ nl^ti^ -"^^ '^ ^ '" ^"/"'■fi'-ffid at feeing Emtne- 
Jine.) Death! interrupted and difcovered l-^Oi/fa^de) 

ay natural impetudity has a, a, a— — 
i.«fli. Sir, I wa forry that I fl»ould hare intrud. 

Fa ea 


«ed Upon your privacy •, but, perhaps, I have prevented 
fomething that would have had worfe confequcnces. 
Flor. 5f adam, I am not at liberty 
Emm. "By the few words, Sir,, which now involunta- 
rily efcapcd you, I know that you are waiting here upoa 
an affair of honour — but I in treat 

Flor. Madam, it is impoffiblc— nothing but his life 
can atone for the infult. 

Emm. You will excufe a woman, tho* a flranger,^ Sir, 
upon fuch an occafion : may. I intreat to know, Sir, who 
fcas had the inisfortmne to incur the refentment of a gen- 
tleman, who feems fo little to deferve ill treatment, and 
fo able to punifh it ? - 

Flor, Madam, you do me honour, — She is majcing ad- 
vances already, {^AJide,^ — ^Why, Madam, as the treat- 
ment I have received makes it an a£t of juflice to tell 
what I (hould otherwife rather die than difcover, I will 
comply with your requeft — ^Hem ! A little dirty depen- 
dent upon the court, here. Madam, one Gondibert, 
thought fit to fend me a challenge, upon 'account' of 
fomething I happened to fay concerning a lady, in whofe 
good graces I happened to be, and whom a foolifti young 
fellow that I was a friend to has thought fit to run 
away with j and. Madam, though I have fo far treated 
bim like a gentleman as to accept his challenge, he has 
not come to the place appointed, and it is now half an 
hour paft the time. 

Emm, {looking out,) Methinks I fee fomebody at a 
didance coming this way ^ perhaps that may be the 
gentleman i , 

F/or» {Jiartingy and look ing out as afraid,) Ah! egad 
that's certainly he — {^Jide,) Now, if he (hould not be ' 
a coward at laft — Madam, a, a, a, for God's fake, retire 
«-.for^a, a, a. 

Emm, Sir. I believe it will not be ncceffary ; for I'm 
pretty fure now that the gentleman is a friend of mine— 
Fior. A friend of yours. Madam ! pray, who is he ? 
Emm. A gentleman. Sir, who, I am lure, will be ex- 
tremely glad to be better known to you. ^ 
Enter Edgar, in his proper dreff, 1 
' Emm. {^Jide.) Yes, 'tis he, 'tis ^dgar ! with what ck- - 
|2;afice and dignity he looks the man ! 



Edg, CafiJe,) How foft, how lovely, in her female 

Emm, (Jo Florimond.) Sir, as we are now no longer 
aSone, I niay cOnfefs that I am not altogether a Granger 
to your perfon o3r yottr merit. — {7o Edgar.) Sir, this is 
Tlorimond, a gentleman to whom both yotf and I have 
fome obligation 5r, which 1 belk^e he h not at prefcnt 
\ aware of. 

Flor. Upon my Word, MadaiSif yoti abfoliltely confound 
mt -this exceflive honour — is it poffible that I fliould* 
ISiye been^ fo happy as to cotafer obl^ations— — >Pray^ 
Madam, may I crave* th^ honour of your name ? 
Edg, Do you not at all recoiled that lady, Sir ^ 
Fior, Upon my foul, Sir, I canmot &y that I do ? 
£a^. Who, now, do you think it can poffibly be, of 
^ that your polite generofity hat oblig^M' ? 
. Flor. Let me perm, Sir^ if I can tell. 

Edg. Why, Sir, that lady li one Emmeline*, witA 
^hom, as (he tells me, you was formerly moil intimately 
acquainted ; and whom you lately converfed with, Sir, 
in difguife, by the name of Gondibert? : 'tis among our*' 
felves^— — What ! quite confounded. Sir >" 

Flor. {recovering bimfelf,) Ha, ha, ha! Confounded! 
Ra, ha, ha ! No, no, Sir : you have had your jefl, and 
I have had mine. I knew well enough Who I was talk* 
iDg to when I playM upon the little Gondibertus — Ah ! 
I thought I ihould make you fmart for your fgolic ■ ■ ■ 
I told Elfrida my whole fchcm e 
Edg, You told Elfrida your whole fcheme 
Emm^ But pray, Sir, as you did not know my per- 
fen in my own drefs, how came you to know me in dif« 

F/ar. Why, Madam, to confefs the truth; I was let 
into the fecret by a friend. — i^Afide^ £gad, this goes 

Edg .Well, Sir J but pray, give me leave to bring you 
acquainted with a perfon, who, I^m fure, you are at pre- 
fcnt totally a ilranger to— Pray, who do you think I 


jflir. (ii^4/p.)Heaven knows ! but I wifti I was fairly 
out of ^your clutches — Upon my foul, Sir, I have not 
the honour to know you, any otherwife, than as a gen- 

Y 3 tlemaa ' 


tleman whom I (hould be extremely proud to confider st^ 
»y friend. 

Edg. Why, Sirj I have the honour to be one Edgar % 
a very (hallow fellow, Sir^ fthat you had fome kindneiii 
for, becaufe he was aukwardly good>natured : I have alio 
had the honour to receive fevcral of your civilities, ua— 
der the name of Elfrida — *Tis among oUrfclves. 

Flor. Sir, your moft humble fcrvant— I have at this 
time fome urgent bufinefs— 

Edg. So have I, Sir ^ and therefore you muft not, 
leave me yet — "Yoxx may remember. Sir, that you tofil^ 
me your whole fcheme to punifh Emmeliue for a fra»i 
lie, and to mortify her with (lories of herfelf by way oC 

Flor. Sir, I befeech yo u 

Edg, Sir, I am extremely forry for the occafion ; but 
as this lady has hot her fighting cloaths on, voa muft^ 
excufe me if I take her challenge upon my(c^f> and fivj 
Si r {^Draws,) 'Tis among ourfelves. 

Emm, What has my thoughtlefs indifcretion done 1 

Flor, Ah, dear Sir, now you are too ferious ' f ^ 

Emm, This muft not be — For heaven's fake, Edgar^ I 
hear me ! . 

• Edg. Fear not, my love— Sir, whatever you may think'* 
this is but fport to what is to follow— and fo, Sir, with* 
out more words 

Fhr, O Lord, Sir ! — I befeech you, Madam — 

Emm: For my fake, Edgar— 

E^* Truft me. — Draw, Sir; or— 

Flor. Sir, I don't defire to do you any harm j I don% 
Upon my foul, Sir. _ ^ 

Edg, Scoundrel, toward, draw ! 

Emm, Confide r, Edgar 

F/or. Ay, do, dear Sir, confider— — 

Edg, Confider what ? . 

F/dr, That I am but a poor, miferable, lying coxcomb, 
Sir— —Indeed, Sir, I atn 

Emm, It is better to difmifs him, Edgar, as beneath 
your refentment. 

F/or. So it is, indeed, Sir— -a great deal better. 

Emm. He is worthy only of contempt. > 

F/o r. It is very true indeed, Sir. 


A9 U. sdgMi AMD niHCLiMr* 117 

Kdg. Art not thoa a wretcH, without the leafl prin* 
ciple of truth or hoaour ? 
F/or. Yes, Sir. 

E,dg. Art thou not infamous, as a flanderer and »: 
coward ? 

Flor. Yes, Sir. ' 

l^dg^ Have not thy very follies the malignity of vices ? 
fiad is it not a difgrace to nature, to confider thee as n. 

TtfiT* Anything, dear Sir, if you will hut fpare my 
Sfe — ^If you choofe any other fiuisfadion, Sir; if you 
would he content to kick me into fome dark corner, and. 
leave me, I ihould think my lelf under infinite obligations 
to you. 

Edg. Hence then*««nd be thyfelf thy punifhment ! 

[Florimond runs off* 
At Florimond turn offy Elfina comes forv>ord. 
Bo !.^Fcar not, my Emmeline !. It is a friendly power,. 
&miliar to my £ght. 

Emm. What ? is fhe known to you ?— my friend I my 
guide ! 
Edg. And mine !— -- \B^tb run and kneel to bt ri 

Elf. Rife both, both blefk ! 

Emm. Forgave my diffidence-— When my heart accuf# 
td jou, I was overwhelmed with diftrefs !— Your pro- 
mife to come at my call was not fulfilled. 

Elf. I came not that I might fend you hither (point* 
vtg to Edgar.) Your friendfhip was the parent of your 

Edg, I too have need of your forgivenefs; pardon t03/i 
Elf Say no more— your fathers now 
Ought to hear your mutual vow \ 
Both the royal prefcnce grace. 
Heroes both of BritiOi race ! 
Go,* your duties there prefect; 
I will anfwer for th' event. 
Long may virtue guard your bread! 
Joy ihall then be long your gueft. 

[^be Fairy difappeam 
EJg. She's gone! the kind propitious fpright, thftthas 

F4. Ud 


*»* tDOAR, AMD SBCMCLimU * jfff g^ 

•led US, koodwinkM, to the happincfs, which feeiog, we 1 
had mifsM. - ' ' 

Emm, Let us then hade to follow her laft advice ; fcr 
I caa truil her now. 

^ y^FsLiTj Mind lie Jcenes. 
« Edgar, Edgar, Edgar ! 

* Efum- Hark ! What voice ? 

« Edg. Perhaps feme other kind and invifible heing— . > 

* There's mufic too— ^ t An overture to a fongj^^ 

* Emm. It comes, anothet tiny fpright ■ ■— It cannok • 

* mean us il l . It beckons you 


* Fairy. Hear me, Edgar j hear, and truft ! 

* Still be kind, and Hill be juft : > 

* Truth and fondnefi that endure^ \ 

* Love from jealoufy fecure*. 


* Take and keep the fated fanv 

* Born to give fupreme delight j 

* Make her ever all thy care, 

* And fecure thy envied right* 

* Clafp her to thy beating breaft, 

* Round her lock thy faithful arms j 

* Thefe will gjiard her virtue beft, 
*• Thefe will beft fecuDe her charms, 

• ^ [* The Fairy difappearr^ 

. Edg, Come then, my fair, whom fate my love ordains^ 
By whom kiini heav'H o'erpays m^ fears and pains ! 
Chosen as thou art for graces of the mind, 
E*er gold could influence, or deiire could bind \ 
Whofecharms,.uafought, unknown, are£riend(hip'sd6w'r> 
Whofe love on reafon founds its lading pow'r. 
O ! might each pair thus work what fate intends, 
And nou^ be lovers buf whd fird were friends ! 




Spoken Ij Mrs. YATESr- 

^UtSmir^ •Ufafiuwt, and tU Pairiisgum 
Ld MS return J gwdfdhs^ toJuety-tme-» 
T9 tint bUp timeyyeftdr^ *f/^'^g^^%' 
Whenpleafure* unforbiddem He befort ye i 
Nefirites U fright ytu mtw^tf gtutrdiam eherf 
Your tvife direSfors at-e^^-ywr mr« dear felvet-^^ 
And evry fair omefeehyfrom Mu yauty^^ 
Hlfile tbe/e your guides'—you never eon do ivroug,- 
ffTeak .tvtre tbefex of yore t h e ir pleafm rufe^ 
Hove much more v»fey more fiiirited' are Tou f 
WouU my Lady Jane^ or Lady Mary^ 
Ker they'cUdtbie or that, confult a Pahyt 
Would tbey permit-tbii faucy pigmy crew, 
F9r each fmali ftp, to pinch them black and bliet 
Wdl may you f>iatder'*-for, nvith^aiiyour charwu^ 
Were this the eafe^^good Heaven , ivhoi neekt and arms f 

Thus did tbey firve our grandensset hef>etbfort-^ 
The very thought mu/l mate us moderiirjire / 
2)ui their poor hearts for cards or dancing beaf^ 
Tbe/e elves raised blifers on their hands and feet f 
Tbo* Loo the game, andfddles played m»p fvteetly^^ 
Tbey could not fqueexe dear Pam, nor foot MollPeatlpr 
Were wives •uith hujhands but a little 'wilful^ 
Were ibefat thai^fsme Loo a little Jtilful s 
Did they tafth pretty fellorvs laugh orjport-^^ 
Wear ruffs too /mall, or petticoats toojbort : 
Did they, no matter how, df^rb their cloaths / 
Or, over lilied^add'a Utile rofe/ 
Ihcje fplteful Pairies rattled round their beds^ 
And put f range frightful nonfenfe in their heads /' 
-May, vtbile the hufbandfnor*d and prudifi aunt^ 
iiad-tbe^fond 'Ooife Sut met the dear gejlant*—^ 
Iho* locked the dooTy and all as fill as nigbt-^ 
Popibro* the Siy hole whips the Fairy Jprite, 
Trips round the room -^^ My bufiandT* Madum sries^iim.' 
" The devil I where T" the frighted beau replies-r- 
Jumps thro* the window^^^fU tails dnt in vain' «^ 
iif , eur*d of love, and cootd with drenching rain, 
Svears — ** Dem him if he'll e*er intrigue again /**' 

Tbtft were the tirids of old But all allow, 

M ebildt/h fears difurb our fair- ones now. 

ladies, fir aU this trifling, *iwould be bej 
>i ietp a little Fairy in your breafi : 
ifot Me thatfiould with modern pajfons war .•- 
h^i^f 19. tvttcdt yint^'^'Vfptn you go too far. . 







fir Harry Muff^ 

Centrml Wvrry^ 

Hrji Cardaur^ 
Undir Garietur^y 




Mr. Vcrsoiu 
Mr. Dodd. 

Mr. Parfons. 
Mr. Wefion. 
Mr. Banniiler. 

5 Mr. Kear. 
Mr. Fawcett. 

EJinhurgb^ 17^3^ 

Mr. La Mailu 
Mr. Mofs. 
Mr. JohsTom 

w a M s N. 

I Mrs. Baddelf . | Mrk Baddclyw 

Mrs. Wrighten. | Mrs, Sparks. 

8cxNK> A Country FUlaf 19*^. 

A C T I. 

ScsNX, jf Hall in General Worry'j Houfi^ adorned with 
military trophies ; tbrcugb the folding doors ofwhicb, is 
feen a part of the garden. 

Na&cissa and Jxnnt. 


Inosxd, Ma'am> I donH like to go near hixn :■ b e* 
fides, what the deuce (hould he want with me ? 

l^ar. Oh, fpme fircih complaints^ 1^11 warrant you— 
But I defire you^d go. 

Jen* Lud; Ma^am! he's foch sm old fufpkiooa mortal, 



that I can do no good with him :— and ,'ti5:a fiianie to* 
throw away good reafoning and fine fentiment upon fo 
unfceliDg a * ■ 

Nar. Prithee, don^t be trifling now» girl, but go to > 
him, and let us know the word. 

Jen, Well, to oblige you, Ma'am, 1*11 ventore any 
thing. [£;v£r Jenny*. 

Narciffa aionet 

Why was I doomM to envy the free-born villager?—— 
or what do I derive from fortune or education, but re-- 
fledions which render my confinement infupportable ?-«> 
The family*quarrel whkh feparatea^mq from the man I 
bye, and my father's unreafonable fu^ici^ns, lie heavy 
aa my fpirits :— deny 'd . even to breathe that pure air^ . 
which nature defignM as a common blefling to all her 
creatures !— Surely the time will come^hen I (hall re- 
gain my liberty, and my Byron have an opportunity of 
refuming the tender- fubje A o£ his pafiion, lo cruelly cut. 
off in its infancy. . 

A^IR i: 

Soft Fancy, thou truant to me, 

My fummons oh quickly obey I ! 
Neglected by Syron and thee, . 

How heavily pafi*es the^day ! 
lliy charms I've miflaken for Love's,-. 

So artfully doil thou beguile 5 
Thy magic enlivens the groves, 

When iie.has forgotten to (mile J 

Enter Jenny hqftily* . 

3f^«i Oh, dear Ma'am !—4:harming ncw«,~ Ma'am 4* 

liar. Thou ast a mad girl :••— But what is the caufe* 
ofthi^ tranfport ? 

Jeum Lud, Ma'am. ! as I hope- to live and breathe,, 
your papa is gQing down to the borough to vote for his • 
fpiend Mr. Indigo the Nabob, and hia nephew Sir 
Hvry Mu£F, the fwect fpark that lines his deaths with-; 
far in the dog-day's*— and your lover . that is to be 

JVflT. My lover that is to be ! But prithee, go on— - 
. Jen. And fo, Ma'am, he, has given us leave to, di- 
mt ouifelvcs in the plantations till lac-returns ;<——4ic ,. 

25^a vat trtAL cANDtoATES; jf^^ JL 

ient Spj in fearch of yotii to tell you of it before he &w 

Nar^ Indeed! 

Jen. Yes, indeed and Indeed, Ma'am— I wifli I 
could let fomebody know of h, that h e might pa^ 
us a vifit. 

iVbr. Thai's impoflible, Jenny. But foft ! h ere 
comes my father's cabtnet-counfellor^ 

Eater Spy. 
W ell, Sir, what's your bufinefy ? 
' Sjiy. Bufinefs, Ma'am ! — lio great matter of bufinefr^ 
truly 5 only his worlhip ordered me to tell you, that he 
was going to the ekftion at Tipplewell 5— —and Co, if 
you thought fit, you and Mrs. Jenny "might rccrcate- 
yourfelves in the plea&re-grounds (as 'tis a fine d*y) tiU 
he returns. 

yea. There's kindnefs for you, Madam i 
S/fjh But he charged me to tell you, he'd have no lol"* 
ling 6ut of the fummer-houfe window that looks to the* 
high-road ; nor no fingiAg, for fear you (hould fear the 
wild ducks that are hatching in the ifland ; nor no 

Jen, o pening our eyeSj I iupppfe, for fear wc. 

&ould fee any thing in th^'fhape ef a man Ji— now your 
bolt's £hot !— Your mafter^s very kind, truly : after de- 
priving us of every enjoyment for three months paft, he- 
now fets a diih belbce us, and generouily tells u« wemult * 
not t^fte of it* 

S/>y, Why you know, Mrs. Jennys, I would' refuf« yoii 
Botliing ^r-not even if you wer« to take a liking to me. 
myfelf. " ^ 

fen^ That would be a fine di(h kideed ! 
Jar. Come, come, no, more of this 5— -you may tstll 
your mader, P think myfelf obliged to him-^ even for this 
lunited indulgence ;«-^what does the fellow ftand fo like » 
Hatue for ? 
> •9y» X only wa^s to let you in, that's alh 
ifczK You may-faye yourfelf the trouble, by giving;; 
the keys to my maid. 

Jen. Come give thcmtto me. Sir*—- 
Spy. — But axing your pardon, Mifs Narciflk) that'» 
not the cafe i^eiCher j I was ordered to lock the garden- 
doois after you, a&d carr; U^e keys bagk to your papa. 




Atfr. Lock us in ! for wbat ? 

7^«. A7, for wbat, Sir ? 

%; For — for OE !— only for fear tie turkeys 

Aould get in, and eat up all the ftrafw berries, that^s all» 

Akr. I underftand mj fatber*s croel fufpicions : but 
thou baft more delicacy tbaa tbj mader \ go opea the 
gates. {Exit Spy. 

'Jen. Now, Ma^am-^*if Mr. Byron be the gentleman £ 
take bim for, be'll find out (braebow or other that the 
old gentleman has left his watch, and be here in the 
twinkling of an eye. 

Ajr. Ab, Jenny ! 'tis three long weeks 

'Jen, So it is, Ma*am, fince he blew you the lad kifk 
&om the cHPcbard-wall, by moon-light— I *m^ fuxe it al« 
iDoft melted my heart, it was fent up with fuch a deep 
fighw — Poor young gentleman ! — I wi(h 1 was not of & 
tender a conftitution myfelf in tbefe cafes. 

Aiur. Heyday !— Why, I fball lodL upon thee as my ^ 
lival prefently — Well, I muft conf^s, girl, that Byma 
fi^ds in tbee a powerful advocate, and I a faithful con- 
fidante : I hope we fhaH be enabled to reward thy fide- 
lity. . 

Jen, i fi)oiild be fufHciently repaid, Ma'am:; in feeing' 
70a happy. — Dea'r me ! if be would but come now and 
o6Fer himfielf a candidate here, we might have a fnug 
Ihtle ele£Hon of oar own : he (hould have my vote ^ and 
if I know any thing of eyes^ I doa^t think but you'd 
immediately return him. 

liiar. Faith, I cannot fwear that I wouM not, Jcnny- 

Jen^ Lord, Ma'am, I can eafily clamber over the: 

riles if they do lock us in— Let* me go then, and fee i£ 
ean find him an|f where. 

^er, Heav'iM, girl, not for the world !— After fuch> 
at imprudent advance on my part, I need not wonder i£ 
a cool indifference (hould fucceed on his : for I have 
been told, Jenny, that men always fet a Value upon %. 
ceaqueft, in proportion to the eafe or difficulty with 
which it is obtainM — Anfi yet I long to fee him I — But 
come, I anr impatient once more to enjoy the beauties 
0^ nature : I am going into the drawing-room for my 
beok^ you'll find me. at one 6i my fa^t^ourite feats,. 
lAcic I really long ta tcH mjfclf^. ^ - \Exit Nar. 

t^ TUB XHTAL CAmHDATESr ,/f^ t^ 

Jenny, a/one* 
Poor joung lady !-— I wonder (he holds it out to lon^ !. 
BO ileep o'nights, and her little heart hurry fcurry, hur- 
ry fcurry,. all day.-— The deuce take the men, I fay, for 
a pack of unfeeling numikuUs ^ they are alLalike — won- 
derfully loving, when locks and bars are between ^ but i£. 
you give ^em a favourable opportunity, nol one ia tea»o£l 
dem hs^ the brain to make, ufe of it- 

Fie ! fie ! iilly man, 
Your foft nonfenfe forego y 

No heart yeu^U trepan 
With your fighing— heigho ! 
For that's not the way a fond damfel to woo#. 
A truce to your whining, 
Your fobbing, and pining :. 
But prefs her,. 
' Care£» her, 
>The bufinefs is^ done, and ihe^l foon buckle too.- 

[^Exit Jenny*. 
Eater Genial Worry, difcmyering Jenny as Jbe goes t^' 
Gen, There's a baggage for you now ! Zounds ! if I' 
had ftole a march.upon her a minute fooner, I ihouldkave 
catch'd *em out !— Danlme, if the life I now lead is not. 
more perilous than when I was upon the coaii of France, 
andexpeded a mine to befprung upon. me every ftep I. 
advanced — ^A fine bouncing girl, fcribbling dying fong». 
and love-letters- fror6 morning till. night, and fnivelling- 
day after day for liberty, in order to run away with (bme- 
fcape-grace, who'll cut my throat to. get. in for my for- 
tune — and an Abigaill, crafty enough to debauch th«v 
morals of a Lapland virgin ! — 'Tis too much for an tn« 
valid of fixty-five !— But, upon fecond thoughts, there 
can come no great harm in letting them out for a little 
while— befideS) it will give Narcifia a. bloom againft I" 
bringSir Harry. home with me.. 

[Enter Spy, whtfiiing. and leading a large mafitff'*^ 
Sfy, Here, Dragon ! Dragon ! 
Gen. Well, Spy — What, have you let 'em ou^ ? 
Sfiy. Yes, your honour's worftiip, I let 'em loofe— ft- 
i?ould have done your heart good te fee 'cm : they jump'd 



and friik^d about, for all the world like rabbits in » 

Gen, But did you double-lock all the gates ? 

^py. Yes, your honour : and I*ve unmuzzled Dragon, 
ind am going to let him loofe in the back-yard* 

Gfft, Well, that^s right : but fuppofe they fhouU 
clamber orer the pales, and elope ? I've heard of fucb- 
things in my time. 

<^. So have I : but they muft fcramble deucedly if 
they do — indeed, for the matter of that, Mrs* Jenny has. 
a fine dTide with her. 

G«i. Are you fure now, Spy, that you*vc fcen na 
fufpicious kind of body lurking about the grounds thir 
week padf ? 

^. Not a (bul indeed,- your honour \ nor can I track. 
sny thing but the foot of farmer Brown's Tom cat, that 
comes caterwauling after Mi fs Narcifla's Tabby 3 and if 
I, catch him, I fancy I (hall (lop his rambles* 

Gen. Well then, all's well But I'm wafting time 

here^-I'Il fet out-— —Nothing ihoald have tempted me* 
hmx home, but the fear of am-onting my old friend In^ 
digo. ■ Sir Harry will have a fine eftate, in a ring* 
fence clofe to mine— he's worth a little powde r ■ 
G>aie, Spy, you and Dragon to your pofts— -you muft 
have an hawk's eye upon '.em—- and be fure you don't 
dpple upon guard — ^behave like a foldier to^ay, and 
I^ give you leave to get drunk to-morrow by day* 
break. . . 

Spy. Thank your honour, I'll take you at your word.^ 
{Going, returns.^ Your worfhip {pointing /» Dragony wc 
are a pair of (launch friends or deadly enemies. 

[^Exit with Dragon*. 

Grffi.««Now I recoiled, there is certainly a confpiracy 

&gain{i me 3 for I traced a man's foot upon the tulip^bed^ 

a full inch longer than Spy'sr or any of the gardeners— 

If 1 find her out, I don't know what I (hall do in my 

' paffion !— periiaps take a fecond rib, and get a fon and 

heir to di^nherit her ! 


What new curfes fpring up, 

. To repleni(h man's cup, 

Tho' heaven in pity has borrowed lus wife ! 



His daughter will grieve him 
With plots to deceive him : 
But mine ! *-0h^ I'll match her 
The firil time I catch her, 
Attempt, a young jade, to embitter my life I [Exim^ 
- Narcifla difayotr^d in a gardin-feat^ reading^^-^]ennj riz- 
terittg bqfiiiy t9 her with a bird, 
Jen, La, Ma^adi— I have caught the fweeteft little 
linnet in the green-houfe that ever you faw in all your 
born-days— ^ow its little heart goes pit-a-pat ! — Oalj 
look at it, Ma'am. 

Nar. DeprivM of liberty myfelf, I canuot behold the^ 
pretty captive without emotion— Prithee, let it go. 

Jen. But perhaps we may never catch 'it again,. 
Ma'am \ and I want to bang it up as a companion to- 
my little bullfinch. 

Nar, The generous find more true delight in redo* 
ring their prifoners to freedom^ than in all the advan^ 
tages they derive from their captivity.— Pretty fportiv© 
crieatures ! though we envy them their liberty, never let. 
it be faid that i^e invade the fmallefl of their little pri- 

[While thefymphony is playing^ y&nxkj releafsi tbebbrd^ 

A I R IV. 
Love unfetterM is a blefiing 

Nature's commoners enjoy y 
Source of raptures pad exprefling,. 
Which no tyrant laws deflroy. 
Come, ye CsngRers I wing around me^. 

Tell me all ye know of love : 
Watchful of your young you've found me--* 
—Hark ! ^hey carol through the grove, 

[Love -unletter'd, &c. Da cape*- 
Jen. Ay, Ma'am I — and I'd be as free as the lark 
m-yfelf, if I had the fortune that you?ll have, and not be 
mcw'd up any longer. 

Natr,^^ But there's fuch a thing as reputation, Jcxmy 
*— and my father never fails to tell me 'tis .to be prefcr- 
ved but by prudence and philofophy. • 

Jen. Philofophy ! What tke dcucc docs, he mean by 
Ihat? • 

jlB /• TBI &XVM. cAimtoATis. 137 

Var. That I fhould fubdue all mj feellagSy I fuppoCe* 
in compliment to his. 

'Jen. Is tbat his philofophy ?— Ofa» never think of it^ 
Ma'am, till you can think of nothing elM^I dare fwear, 
y»ur papa never thought any thing about it till he found 
bimfelf a philofopher again ft his will. 

A 1 R V. 
Since his worihip forfooth^ 
Having loft hisfweet toothy 
•Forbids you Lovers feaft, 
Which no more he can tafte. 
Be advisM, and he^lfind you a tartar! 
Talk of lovers to vex him \ 
Intrigue to perplex him— 
What ! give nature the lie ? 
By my ftars would not I, 
Though I dyM the next moment her martyr. 
Aisr. There's fomething. of reafon in that, gir l m 
rather, there's fomething in it, I believe, that flatters 
my own inclinations.—-- Be that as it may—- methinks, tf 
Byron were prefent, I ihonld not helitate to fly with lum 
any where. 

Jen, Lud, Ma'am ! if you could but behold yourfelf 
this moment, you'd fee the charming difference between 
a defpairing damfel and one. who loves with fpiri t ■ 
for my part, 1 always think it time enough for a wo- 
man to defpair when you may count her age by her 

H^ir^ Thy pleafantry, girl> generally carries confora- 
tion along with it-— Well, though I cannot butfometimes 
lament his abfence, yet I receive comfort from thy coun« 
fel, which tells me I (ball one day or other fee a reverft 
of fortune.— ^Oh how tranfporting the idea, Jenny \ 

llius the midnight tempeft raging, 

Strikes the failor with difmay \ 
Ftrious winds and waves engaging, 

Bani(h every hope of dayl 
But at dawn, their wrath fubiiding„ 

Ocean wears a tranquil face \ 
Joy, through every current gliding, 
CaUn^ his bofomlbto peace. 


Jen^ Httfh, hufli ! ■ 'As 1 hope to be married, yon- 
der^s that arch mongrel Spy upon the watch belnnd the 
mulberry-tree there ^ and now he's coming this way*. 
—-What if I cAld prevtiil upon him to ga dawn to tbe 
ele^ion, and make me deputy turnkey? 

Nan That's impoffible ; he gets too much by watch^ 
ing uSy to give up his pod for nothing. 

Jen, Do you call love nothing ?— Confider what yo» 
feel yourfelf, Madam, and then think of poor Spy's fof- 
ferings — Ha, ha, ha !— -He's dying forme \ and fo if he 
won't betray every body elfe to obey me, he (hall dan-^ 
gle upon that willow, before I give him a fingle grain oT 
hope.—- However, take your book, and go reft yourfelf 
in your favourite bower near the fountain, while I trjc 
the power of my charms— —-He- mull give up his mafter 
dr me : fo don't fear our fuccefs. 

Nar. Prpiper thee, my faithful girl. {^Exit Niar*. 

Enter Spy. " 

Sfy* Your fervant, Madam Jenny r— 'tis a blefled fine- 
day, and you've all alone I fee.— 'I am with you indeed^ 
^— but then I'm nobody, Mrs. Jenny, utalefs you'd finile: 
upon me. 

Jen^ Smile upon you, Mr. Spy ?— you arc nobody in* 
deed ! Can an Engliihwoman and a friend to liberty 
and the rights of the coniHtution, (hdle upon a crea-^ 

ture— r— 

Spy. Creature ! — am I a creature, Mrs. Jenny ?*— why • 
yo make me as bad as Dragon. 

Jen. You are worfe, Mr. Spy : he's a dmnb creature, 
and knows no better ^ but you can talk, and talk finely,^ 
Mr. Spy. 

^ Spy. Thank you for that, Mrs. Jenny :— To be furc, 1 
can talk a little when I am half-cock'd. 

Jen, Fie for fhame I then, Mr. Spy ! — Fie for (hame! 
Can a freeborn woman like mylelf, who would give 
up my life, nay more— perhaps my honour, for my coun- 

Spy . That 15 noble indeed ! 

Jen. Shall I fmile upon a creature, who, whilft hii 
country's rights are in danger at the eledlion af Tipple- 
well , can meanly and inglorioufly Hay at home to watch 
the motions of two innpceht young ladies, when he ibould 


be huzzaing, drinkiDg, and breaking windows, for li* 
bcrty and property ?— 

<^. Indedd and fo I fhould— ^How her fine Ipeechet 
melt a body ! 

'Jen. O fie for fhame, Mr. Spy !— never afk for my 
finiles. My fmiles, my hand, and my heact, ihall be 
giTcn to a man only, and an Englilhman. 

^. I am both a man and an £ngli(hman :-i^but 
what fignifies all that, when I have no money in my 
pocket ? If I had but one piece of filver to prime 
me with a little, no man fhould Hand firmer by you and 
his country than little Spy would. 

'Jen. You fha'n*t want for that then, though *tis the 
only companion to my filver thimble :-^Here, Mr. Spy. 

\Gives him money *. 

Spy, Now one little roguifli fmile, that Vd. giye a 
thouiand of thefe for— -and the ke^rs are your own. 

Jen, Deareit Mr. Spy, {curtejying and fmihng\ I 
thank you. 

Sfiy, Had they been the keys of the ilrong-beer cel- 
lar, you fhould have had *em !— «Thos I furrender up the 
garrifon for the prefent. (Giving her the teyi,^ And now 
to prote^ the laws, liberties, and property of- Old Eng- 
land. {Gmng^ r^/tfTifj'.)— Perhaps, Mrs. Jenny, I may 
return bold enough to intreat another favou r- ■ m ay £ 
hope > 

Jen, A patriot may hope— never to figh in vain ! 

Spy, That ^8 noble again !— I'll only ilep and mount 
my garters-, and return in an inftant ^— you (hall let me 
out at the back gate, and lUl whiik down to the bo* 
rough as quick as a nine-pounder, 

That— for my mafter !— -By your fmiles Pm blcft ^ 

Ale, love, aqd liberty^ now fire my breall ! 

[Exit Spy^ 
Jenny, laughing. 
Ha, ha, ha ! there's a pretty fool now ! — ^If the fate of 
a kingdom had depended upon it, the gudgeon would 
have bit juft the fame.— Let fhort-fighted politicians fay 
what they will about the power of money, a little well- 
diffembled love will go farther, take i^y word for it. 

[Exit Jenny.. 

ScEh«, AperfpeBivc virw of ibe GeneraPs park ; on am 





oak-^tree near the paling of which is the ufual infcrip" 
tion o/^Mcn- traps and fpring-guns, (6*r. 

Knter Byron. 
By this time the old buck^is Toil in the general up^ 
roar of an ele^ion-^What a ^ucky dog was I to catch 
a glimpfe of him as hq pafs^c^ along the road ! — Let him 
choofe whom he pleafes.— 1 im happy that I refufed the 
Iblici tat ions of my frie;ids, a| my fuccefs would but have 
increafed his refentment.— C|rive me, kind fortune, but 
thy voice in Love's foft eledlion, and I care not who are 
the reprefentatives of a tumultuous borough I But here's 
the bleU retreat of my Narcifla. 

How oft through this refponiive grove 

Has foftefl Echo told my tale ! 
Whene'er fhe caughfmy notes of love, 

She gently bore them down the vale \ 
The {bene renewM, my wakeful breaii 

Now joyful beats to love's alarms 5 
Ye powers who pity the diflrefty 
Transport me to Narcifla's arms ! 

fc H ey-day ! — {difcovering the injcrtfinon, ^"^Whsi 

new bug-bear have we here ? — " Men-traps and fpring- 
** guns fet in thefe grounds xiay and night,"— Well 
done, General !— Indeed you plann'd things a little bet* 
ter .laft war, or we (hould not have heard fo much of your 
exploits.— ^Ha, ha, ha ! Such a device might fecure 
your ducks and geefe, but not the game I'm in purfbit 
of, I aflure youi: fo, with my couHn Ranger^*-Up I go! 
—•up I go I — {^gftting upon the pales,) There — now if 
the Cyprian deity has not taken care to draw all the 
charges of his fpring-guns, and blunt the teeth of his 
Heel-traps, I'm miilaken in my goddefs !-— So love and 
fortune go with me. ^ [^yumps over* 

ACT 11. 

Jennt alone* 

I KNEW T could coax him to make a fool of himfelf, 
and give me the keys :— Hark ! did I not hear fome- 
thiog ? No J I believe it was only the noife of the caf- 

cade ; 

jtBIL TBE ntVAt cakoioatcs. 141 

cade : but it put my heart into my mouth !— Egad, If 
Mifs NarciiTa was to be catchM (leeping-— and the poor 
thing takes a very found nap— there would be a fine fpot 
of work 'y but I believe there^s no great danger, for the 
gardeners can^t be come back from the election yet :«-. 
Well, rU e'en take a run acrofs the green, and fee if I 
can ipy him for her.— -Pretty creatures, I Ihould like tp 
bring them together ! — and for all ihe's fo fly, and looks 

fo demure, my word for it (heUl have no objedion If 

all women were like me, they'd cut the mattt r very 
ihort) for my tongue and my heart always go together* 

Fine laHies may tell us 
They hate pretty fellows, 
Defpife little Cupid— —his quiver and dart ) 
But when love's only by, 
Not a prude will deny. 
That man, tho' a tyrant, 's the lord of her heart. 
So bewitching a creature ! 
So noble each feature ! 
My bofom commands me to take his dear part. 
Then how can I conceal 
What my eyes will reveal ? 
That he muft, and he will be— the lord of my heart* 
Byron dijoivered in an attitude offurpri%e, beholding 

Narciffa ajleep in a jejfamine bower. 
Byr Surely my eyes deceive me I— or it is (bmc 

Heeping Naiad of the neighbouring floods ! — No j 'tis 
her! 'tis my Narcifla's heav*nly form, harmonious form'd 
by Nature's matchlefs hand. 

A I R IX, 
My bofom's on fire ! 
It throbs with defire ! 
> Say whither, ye gods, (hall I fly ? 
Love prefles my ftay j 
But ihould I obey, 
To my pafllons a vi£lim I die. ' 

^ [poing^ return f. 

—But ftay:— — ^thus will I obey the dilates of ho- 
nour as well as love. Thanks to love and the defcrip* 
tiye author of the Scafons. ^(Taies a card/rom hit poc* 



hetyCnd wriiei.^ ^ i T here : —in atonement for the 
innocent treipafs on thy foft repofe^ I will become thy 
iwatchful guardian, and proteft thee from the eye of any 
rude obferver.— 3ut ibit ! my eager tranfport has dif- 
turbM her : — (he wakes— and fee, (he (brinks even at na-^ 
ture's voice ^-^ alarmed, and blu(hing at the doubtful 
breeze ! I mud conceal myfelf. 

[H<f retwes behind a tne* 

Narcifia apuiking, 

Nar. ■ Methougbt I heard fome human voice ! 

Thefe fleeplefs eyes, wearied with perpetual watchings^ 

betrayM me into dumber :— -Sure no eye profane pecp'd 

thro' yon clofe recefs, and in my unguarded moments 

Ah ! what^s here ? {Seeing the card*^ T hen I'm 

undone. [Comes forward and reads. 

^- ■ " Sleep on my fair, 

" Yet unbeheld, favc by the facred eye 
" Of faithful love : I go to guard thy haunt, 
" To keep from thy recefs each vagrant foot, 
" And each licentious eye." 
X^ After a paufe of wonder, )''''-''^lx. is — ^it is my Byron^s 
well-known hand I — Then why thefe mixt emotions hard 
to be defcrib'd ? why heaves my labouring breafi, excqit 
to bid eternal welcome to its long lovM lord ? — No, my 
Byron, no I thy virtuous merit (hall go no longer unre- 
warded.— But where is he ?-^fled I-^Aflift me then, 
love's favourite mufe, that thiis expreOing my own feel* 
ingS| I may alleviate the feverity of his 

[She writes \and tm* 
Dear youth, my fond heart you have won, 
*Tis a truth that it cannot deny \ 

Love's fetters have made us but one, 
Then tell me— -ah ! why didft thou fly ? 

My hand (hall thy honour repay, 
As witnefs this amorous iigh ! 

So believe, when hither you ftray, 
You need not— 

[Byron difcovering bimfelfy Jings — ^I neter will flj ! 
A'ar. {dropping the card,) Heavens defend me I 
Byr. Forgive me, lovely maid, for thus breaking in 




upon thefe tngelic ftraias :<— if I haTC miftaken tlieir 
fweet harmonious burden, I am fufficiently puniflicd for 
mj prefumption. 

Nar. (beholding him affeBionately^ My faithful Byroir! 
— whj diould my tong^ue deny what my looks, fighs, 
and every adion of my life, proclaim? — In the infancy 
of affeSion, hypocrify may l^ merit j but when love is 
afliired of love^ concealment would be felly, and pnt- 
"deiy a crime. 

Nar, Here I plight a maiden^s vow !— 

Byr, —By thy beauteous fclf I fwear ! 
2far. Thou (halt be my guardian now ! 
Byr. Thou (halt be my only care ! 

Here, we plight, &c. 

Enter Jenny hajlily. 

'Jen. Oh, ftt)p your piping ! — ^Who the deuce would 
have thought of feeing you here? (To Byron.)— Your 
papa. Ma'am, is this moment returned, and Sir Harry 
Muff along with himj they ^11 be in at the gate in fhp 
twinkling of an eye. 

Nar, Oh w« are undone then \ what (hall we do ? \ 

Byr, How, for your fake, (hall I avoid them ? 

Jen^ Oh, dear Ma'am, I have it! — ^run both of you 
with me into the temple, and Pll bolt you in fafe enough* 
— Pve been forced to play at bo-peep with him there a 
hundred and a hundred times before now myfelf-— In, 
In, in [Exeunt to the temple. 

Gen. Worry, and Sir Hs^rry Muff. 

SirHar.HiOf Sirj-^hefe things nevet give a mo- 
ment's uneafinefs to a man of the world, /ur mon bon^ 

Gtfjf. No!— What the devil, to be kick'd out of your 
birthright by an impudent young fcoundrel, the fecond 
fon of an obRinate fool 6f a bajronct, and not take fire 
at it ! You'd make a damnM fine ibldier ? ' 

Sir Har^ We take fire at nothing, General Worry. 
You fine gentlemen of the laft century wore yonrfelves out 
with your gun-powder paflions before you were mcn.r— 
for example, your fixe has burnt you to the bone, Gene- 
ral 5 

V4^ TrIe lltVA): CANDIDATES. JfSlH, 

fi«ral \ fo that you are in reality nothing Kut a coUedion 
of tinder and touchwood. 

Gen. Damme, youVe not a fingle fpark of fire in your 
tvhole compofition. 

Sir Har, Paflion of any kind agitates the human frame 
«aoft horribly j and therefore we of the high ion have no 
pallions at all ^ Indeed our lives' may be properly fly led 
a kind of agreeable vegitation. 

G^n. Agreeable vegetation !— What a devil of a huf- 
band will this fellow make I ^ \AJide. 

Sir Har. But I'm all agog for a fight of your delici- 
ous daughter— they tell me ihe's a fine cretur\ is (he any 
thing like Maria ? — [Taking off his hat. 

Gen, A\ hat the devil has he g^t there ?«-*A picture in 
his hat inflead of a button. 

Sir Har. A-propos ! has Narciffa good teeth ? 

Gen. What the devil will he alk me next ! {4fide.) I'll 
anfwer for't, flie'U do your table no difcredit^ if that's 
all. — But, zoupds 

Sir Har. Table ! why, my dear General, we do not 
tmderftand each other: Do you ferioufly imagine, that 
teeth, in this enlightened age, like your green-handled 
knives and forks, are ihechanically conflruded for eat-. 

Gen. Why, what the devil would, you have 'em con- 

Sir Har. ^elfaun)age ! {^AJide^ Why, General,-if you 
xnuft know, the teeth belonging to perfonsof fafhion are 
tortur'd into beauteous femi>clrctes, and polifh'd thrice 
a-day for the admiration of the beholders. 

Gen. And that's the reafon, I fuppofe, why our fine 
gentlemen are always upon the broad grin ) a fet of 
{lop-dawdle puppies ! 

Sir Har. Why, do you really think. General, that I 
ihould cut fo capital a figure in a fan:iionable grin, if I 
had delv'd all my days in tough old Engliih ruafl beef? 

Gen. I tell you, I neither know nor care : but one 
thing, I faucy, you'll find, that my daughter will not 
cafily be prevail'd upon to give up her notions of fub- 
ftantials, in compliment to your delicate appetite. 

Sir Har. Oh leave that to me. General! — Ilhall foon 

make a convert of her j or why have I fcaled the lofty 

I Alspy 

jKI 11, ' Yi» ]ir^AL4pAin>toA<nc$, 145 

Alps, and (Wept the aromatic vales of blefl Italia :— if 
Narcifla Is fortunate enough to have a gufto for poetry 
end mufic, I ihall make a rapid conqueft. 

Gen, Damn your mulic and poetry ! for both of you 
together would turn Wprryt-Hall into a mad-houfe. 

Sir Har. You muft know, General, that the mufes, 
all lune, fmilM upon my birth, and Apollo flood god- 
father to me by proxy. 

Gen. Damme, but I believe he^stouchM ! \^jtfide* 

Sir Har. I have written a fong that has made a little 
uoife in the polite world 5— and tackM the crotchets to 
it myfelf. 

Gen* His crotchets I— —Oh he's paft recovery. 

^ ... c^^^- 

Sir Har, —t^^jy the Spavoire vivre, of which Pve the 
]ionour to be a member, forced their annual prize upon 
me for the compofition. — You muft know, we were ral- 
lied a little upon a certain occaiion by the female wits 
of the Coterie : fo you may guefa who was fixM upon for 
our literary champion. {^AffeEledly.^ You fhal! have it, 
though it will lofe much of its effed from the preffure 
of an Englifh atmofphere upon the delicate organs of my 
pipe. - 

Gen^ {walking about bajlily ) Mad as a Marcli hare. 

Ladies> in vain 
Why entertain 
Hopes to bewitch us With lovc*s artful wiles ? 
Ceafe to do fo, 
Since you all know. 
We have his patent for dimples and fmiles. 
tjrcntlcr beaux, that pow'r poflcOfing, 

Yield no more to your alarms \ 
£ach his fcented felf-carefling. 

Quite enamoured with his charms ! 
Pretty play- things, all adieu ! 

Now difiblve in amorous iighs ) 
We a fofter clme purfue, 

Froze too l»ng beneath your cjrcs. Da Capo^ 
Gen. Pflig ! damn 'your finging j it may be very 

Vol. IV. G fine 

^4^ 7B£ HrVAt CANDIDATES. ^B Uk. 

fine, but 1*01 not in a humour to relifli it:«-«rm touch'4' 
to the quick at being f!uug by the Byrons \ and yet yM \ 
feem to mind il no more than the lofs of a match at biEi, 

Sir Har, My dear General, be composM as I am ;«-« I 
and don^ fret yourfelf in this abfurd manner. 

Gen. I won*t be composed ^-— damme, but I will htt-' 
myfelf. — Indeed, if I was of your cuCumber-like difpofi- 
tion, you might expert to find me as fine a piece of ftiU ' 
life, agreeable vegetation as yourfelf ) but — no, no, nOy < 
JSirl— i 

Sir Har. Now, indeed, General, I mean to refent their ^ 
treatment; and to (hew you I am in earneil, I'll lodge a4 
petition again ft them, by this light ! 'i 

Gen, Ay •, why there you are right, for your grounds | 
are good enough.— | 

Sir Har» 'Pon honovir, General, you (hall be command* ^ 
ing officer for the day. 

Gen, If that^s the cafe, I have a plan,— But I'm fb | 
tir'd, — Walk with me into the temple, and 111 tcU it to j 
you. — I am fure we (hall difcover fome underhand deal- } 
ings of this young rafcaPs at the bottom, and don't ^ 
doubt of bringing it home to him. — {Fimiing ibe doors \ 
fqft.) What the devil's the meaning of this ? — why, the. J 
door's faften'd within.— ■(Zi/?^«j' at the key-hole,^ ■ 
Zounds ! here are fome villains concealed with a defign ' : 
to rob the houfe j liften, Sir Harry. (Sir H^ttj puts bis , 
£ar to tbe door,') Here, Robin, Matthew, Jerry!— why, 'i 
where the devil are thefc fcoundrels got to ? \ 

Sir Har, Why really, General, I do hear a kidd rf } 
confederate buz.— [Enter Robio. * 

Rob, What's your honpur's will ? | 

Gen, Here, break open the dopr dire£lly : f ome ■ 
thieves have hid themfelves within-fide V 

Rob, Have they, your worfhip ?— then we'll foon have 
them out. Come along, my boys. {Enter Mat. and 
Jerry.) — ^Thieves in our garden ! we'lljlet them know 
that nobody (hall encroach upon our privileges, without 
j^ good, ducking, however. — 

[Tbey burji open the door with their fpades^ and dif- 
cover Byron :-^the gardeners laugh, 

G^n» —Hell and the devil ! what have we got here ? 

. .-^Yottr 


— Your fervant, Mr. Byron; — I g^ve you joy of yout 
eledion. Sir ? — (5/r^^r/zrf ^.)— How composM the raical 
ftands ! — what, I fuppofe, you are. a dick of agreeable 
vegetation too ? 

Sir Han This i$ rather too much, daaime ! upon his 
relum for one borough, to be canvafling for another, -i* 
Don't you fmoke a petticoat, General ? 
f [The General looking infuijitrv:ly. 

Byr^ Gentlemen, my prcfcnt fkuttion prevents mc 
from returning your raillery.—- 

Geit. Fire and fmoke ! m^ daughter's maid Jenny I— 
why, huffy, how dare you be lock'd up with fuch a rake 
as this > 

Jen. La, Sir ! the gentleman only afk'd to fee the 
temple, and fo I thought tlicrc was no harm in fhewing 
it him. 

Sir Har, Comingly kind, by all that's plump 'and 
lovely ! 

Gen, How the devil did he get in when the gates were 
all lock'd ? — But 'tis a lie, huffy, he rame caterwauling 
after you. But get about your bufinefe, you jade I you 
&an't ftay In my houfe another minute I— 

Bjr. Nay then. Sir, I hope it will not offend you, fince 
it can no longer be conceal'd, if I produce the moil de- 
licate teAimony ef our ianocence. ' ■ 

IjStefipmg hack^ difco^ers Narciffa. 

5ar Har. Doubtlefs, by this light ! 

Gen. Narciffa ! Traitor \ deliver up my daughter, 
whom you iiave ifeduced, that I may punilh her as ihe 
dcfcrvcs ! 

Byr. Rethre, Narciffa, iato the citadel, I befeech you, 
and Pll defend you to the laft. 

Nar,l beg you'U give me up 5 your danger overpowers 
nc. [Te Byror» 

Jen, Dear, Ma'am, you arc o»ly to reward the con- 
queror J you have nothing to do with the battle ;— be- 
etles, Mr. Muff will take. care there (han't be much blood 
. fpilt.^ 

Gen. Matcblefs impudence !— .What ! laugh'd at into 
tlic bargain ! Seize him> Robin, and drag him to the ca« 
; ■A'^Rafcals; why 4on*t you obey my orders ? 

' G « Robm 

14^ '^'^ RIVAL CANblbATEJ. AS II. 

Rob, Wliat! duck young Mallet Byron ?— Not \yl 
love him too well.—' ^ , 

Other Gardeners, And fo do I.— 

Geti, Villains, you arc my flaves 5 and I'll make yott 
do what I command you : — lay hold ^n him, I fay. 

A I R XlII. 
Rcb, He's the pride of the borough, God blefs him, fay I; 
I've poll'd for his honour, and will till I die. 
. In vaiti then you rave, 
I'll not be your flave, 
Tho' I'm a poor fellow of humble degree* 
Which of you then will bear it : 
\^illyou? . 

'■3ftf/> No, I fwear it : 
Or you ? Jer, No, I fwear it : 
There is but one way then to fet U5 all free : 
We'll none of us bear it* 

Will you ? — Both — No, I fwear it : 
Nor Bob^ I declare it. 
This, this is the way then \ for now we are free* 

[Throw down their fpades^ &LCt 

Byr,^ou mud excufe me, Gen'ral, though I am under 
the neccflity, even in this^place, of defending your daugh- 
ter from any violence on her inclinations. 

Gen. Scoundrel? ! Ill be reveng'd ! Oh ! here comes 
Spy I — Fetch my douhle-barrel'd horfe-piftols this in- 
iftant. Why, the rafcal's drunk. [Enter Spy* 

Spy, Byron for ever ! ihoot who, him ? ■ i Lord love 
his heart — Byron for ever ! — I tell you that won't do : 
•—there's ho flints : — I would not hurt a hair of his head. 
-*— Byron fof ever [-^(^Turning to Sir Harry.)— So I think 
we wa'n't troubled to chair your fine gingerbrtad car- 
xafe ! — damme', you kno^^'d a trick worth two of that. 

Sir Har, Filthy brute ! 

Gen, The devil has bcwitch'd 'emalltoconfpireagainft 
me ! Get out of my fight, villain, or I fliall be the death 
of you. — 

. Spy. Oh ! if that's all— I Can punch it. — Byron for 
ever .'—Though he don't want a fecond :— he's (punk : 
— ^he can manage 'em both--*No Muffs and Indigo Na» 
bobs-^Byron for ever I—-?- , ' \Exit ree/ia^* 


ji3 11 TU£ KIVAL CANDIDATE?. 14^ 


Gen. Powder an4 fury ? J believe there's neifcher a 
brave nor an honeil man left in this kingdom. — Look, 
you, Sir Harry, win her and wear her.— What I I fup- 
pole, I iQud. fight this fellow myfelf ? {Goes up to tb^ dqon) 
Bnt here he comes ^-— if he refufes to furrender her, put 
him to death. 

Sir Har. Well, if it muft be fo, it muft j though, *pon 
my foul, I^vc no butchering ideas about me. {ftaff 
draws ^)^^Q(xscl^^ good Sir, don^t put me to the fatigue of 
chaltifing you. 

Byr, Sir Harry, you have more humanity. 

Sir Har. No, Split me if I have !— -She^s mine by deed 
of gift 'y if you difpute that title, (he mud be mine by 
Ibice of arms. ■ 

[Draws^ and puis bmfelf in an attitude. 

Byr^ Say you fo ?-*-c6me on then. — 

[^Drawing a piftol^ Sir Hznyjpf^gi bach 

Gen, Why, what the devil, are you afraid of th^imeU 
^ powder ? [7i Sir Harry. 

Sir ffiar. No, not in the leaft, Genersd, (con/u/edh*) 
—I am-— I am— only difconcerted a little for— for rear, 
of the ladies >— you faw thfy retirM diforderM : beiides, 
Sir, I'm not uppn an equal footing with the aflafHo. 

Byr, No more you were, when you valiantly drew upr 
OQ a naked man. : — ^however^ Sir, not to alarm you with 
the fupefiority of my weapon, thus I reiiga it into youc: 

[Sir Harry receiver tbepiffoly coch it, and advances* 

Sir Har, Oh then the citadePs our own, General f 

Byr, When you have won it, Sir. 

\Prefents a fecond pi/lol* 

Sir Har, {retiring ajffrigbted,^ Split me, but the ruffian^ 
has got another ! . 

Gen. {looking earnejlly at Byron.) Damme, that's noble 
too ! 'Tis almoft a fin to kill fo fine a fellow j— but the 
calls of honour muft be obey'd.— Come, you (hall fettle, 
it like foldiers, however.— I little thought I fhould ever 
fee another (hot fired. 

\M^afures ten paces with bis cane. 

Sir Har. My dear General, what are you'about ? 

Gen, About ^—rWhy, meafuring the g;round :— yoa 

G 3 would 

would' not fight like a couple of foot-pads, with the 
muzzle of the pi(l6l in each other ^s mouth, would 70a ? 
What the devil ails you now ? 

Sir Har, Uear General, your ear a moment (wb^ 
f^fign^ my confcience forbids me. 

Gtn^ Confcience ! who the devil ever heard of a inan^s 
baving conscience who had no heart ! However, Sir 
Harry, I fee how the land lies — ^You need give yourfelf 
no further concern about me ar my family-— I am deter- 
minM to have a brave man for my fon-in-law, though I 
crofs the ocean for him* 

Byr, You need not put yourfelf to that inconvenicncy, 
Sfr, when you behold in me one who is ready to lay 
down his life in defence of your daughter's viitue and 
your honour. 

Gen. Why, though my enemy, thou art a fine fellow, 
I own— And if I could forget the family-grodgc 
. J^r^ Believe me, Sir, I have lamented in Secret the 
groundlefs animofity that has {9 long fubfi^ed betweeb' 
you and my father, fo fatal to the early overtures I made , 
the loyely Narcifla, 1 

Gen^ Zounds \ but when I recolleft— ^to be jockey'd 
by you out of the borough, and by fuch underhand 
means ! 

Byr. Why, Sir, you furprife me !— they have cho- 
ftn that gentleman, have they not } 

[Pointing to Sw Harry, ' 

Gen, No, Sir, they have not What, you don't 

know, I fiippofe, that they have retum'd you ! 

Byr,' Upon my honour, no, Sir I have been cm- 

ployM upon a much more agreeable fervice-^and to con- 
vince you of It, as they have chofen me, contrary to my 
wiihes, I am ready to refign my feat in favour of any 
one you Hiall appoint. 

Gen, No, you young dog — ^you (hanH do that nei- 
ther— ——I am a little cooler than I was*— that piece of 
f!ill life there has brought me to my fenfes (^fainting /a 
Sir Harsy.)- I begin now to think, that the unanimoas 
ch6ice of a free body of people is too facred tq be (a- 
perfcded by the will, of any individual. Befides, your 
courage has charmed* me— Come, you young dog, you 
may releafe your prifoaers y t&ey (hall be upon theix pa- 


tt)le till I pais fentence. (Byron opens the door of tbt 
tempUy and bring t them a lUtU for^vard.) You look 
itughty Cttnntng, Sir Harry, after lofing Tipplewell, 
and the richeft heirefs in the county, through your de- 
licate fie^ngs.— ^-Damn luch feelings, lay I ! you^U 
cot a pretty figure zn the modern hiftory of Maccaro- 

Sir Haf. Why, good General, you donH know me 
ye t . ■■ I confefs I have lof! a pair of pretty toy < 
fiut with rcfpeft to your modern^fatiie, a' real fine gen« 
tleman is infinitely beyond its reach, I affure yo u 
So I fhall laugh at the dinner-hunting tribe. 

Gen, Why, where the devil did this fellow fpring 
from ?— (Byron, Jenny, izWNarcifl&, coming forward.) 
—I believe the young rogue deals in magic with both 
of us — (To NarcifEi.>— Cotttc hither, girl, Jon*t tremble 
fo«-I begin to think that I have held out too long with 
Sir Walter— and therefore I don^t know how I can ihew 
a heartier defire of reconciliation, than by rewarding his 
Iba of merit with my only daughter, and fifty thou- 
I, fiind pq^d s W hat fays Naiaffa ?— 'But I need not 
' «flL her, 

Nar^ If I may difcover my partiality for Mr. Byroa 
Without offending -you, Sir, I (hould tell you that I have 
every reafbn in the world to admire and efteem him. 

Gen. Come hither, theo, both of you ; as an eameft 
of my approbation, there— -IVe joined your hands be- 
finre the porfon^ and may neither you nor I five to re* 
p^nt it ! 

Byr, This, Sir, k (o generous ^ my life will be too 
fliort to repay the obligation. 

Sir Har* Demme, but I cut a pretty figure here 
truly! — ChonsM out of my owx> borough and a fine girl 
by the fon of a fiox-hunting baronet— 4ind laughed at by 
the old Jew of a father, for endeavouring to accommo- 
date him— Wellj what*s to be done ?— Why, upon my 
arrival at Almack's, I muft carry it off, for the prefent, 
by dint of bronze \ tell ^em the girl was damnM ugly, 
and that the other borough has loft its charter. 
Gen^ Come, come» Sir Harry \ every man^s not born 
, to be a giant-killer, (ironica/fy.)-^^U it be not* beneath 
^ the dignity of a fine gentleman to rejoice at the fuccefs 

G4 of 


of a worthier man than htmfelfy a^ourn witli us to 

Sir Har. Any thing for a frolic, General ', for IVn in 
tip top ipirits. 

Gen, All that bow remains, is for me to endeavour to 
prevail upon Sir Walter to meet usy and confent to make 
the little rogues happy. ' ■ F or my own part, I am noiHr 
fully convinced, that the tender afFe^ions were never 
implanted in the hun^an breaft to be callM forth or flip* 
prefled by the caprice of an unfeefing parent. 


Rofy archer, come away ! 
Give your train a holiday j 
Lay jovtt^ bow and quiver h.y> ^ 
Ceafe to wound — and hither hie l 

Rofy archer, &c. 
Hither bring the fmiling graces^ 
And the loves with cherub faces \ 
Bid the valleys laugh and fay^ 
*^ Love has made a holiday ! 

Hither bring, &c. 
SzR Ha&rt. 
Lips of coral ! eyes fo pretty I 
Out of luck» foregad, was I :. 

Tho' Pm chous'd, I'll join the ditty- 
Down, thou little liiing figh. 

May love's tender prittle prattle 

Keep the day for ever bright, 

And no jealous tittle-tattle 

Mar the raptures of the night * 


May love's tender, &c. 

Gentlefolks, if you'll permit me^ 

I've a word or two to fay, 
Tho^ perhaps it mayn't befit me, 

On mylady's wcddiag-day. 



rat tvfKL cANDHUTif;- 


GraTeil Don with eye of ferrit. 

Though he pradife sU his art, 
Cannot break a woman's fpirit,* 
Till he's firength to break her hearty 


Grayeftl>on, &c. 


Brother grej-beards, fhort's m j ftorjTi 

Read your features in this glafs \ 
Here's a convert now be&re ye 

Metamorphos'd from an aft : 
When a fwain of merit woes her, 

Make your girl a happy wife \ 
Nature bids you not refufe her, 

In the crifis of her life. 

When a Twain of merit woes her, 

Make your girl a ^PPJ ^i^ 9 
Nature bids you not refule her, 

In the crifis isi her life. 


'WzktcB by the Avtbok, 

And r]>oken by Mr. WESTON, etittriMr wid^a Urge 

Off, Luit/vifBat autBor/ Bave tvc no^o^O'^ays f 

Jijarmer this ! ^ e iodi, cr vjhef you pVeafe : 

Me /•wears ftbo* wV« Bafjufi go9thr^ •nefweoi-^ 

Hell male utj^eak an efHagmc dmette. 

IVBatfay ymi,^Draga» f~~.^^^WBf»ymtr Uulfo Utv f 

jBe not cbop'JaWn-^they cant damn you, you knvw '• ' '»^ 

What, ditmh,mycontrade?^tetrtbte difafer t 

So I mvfi pyfffor yon^amf for your wtt^er f 

Ye Gods, bMind /— » Ne cat-eall interfireuee V 

Melleve torn We^n, *th Bisfit^ appttuiance^ 

You %v9ud not tldak'it ;.B»t tBe n^tu sfo ^^md^ 
Jlee in the privy-council here already : 
^Be Promoter giver Btm tnerit univerjat : 

Bt€aufe (whiftJiBg) his njohifle cal/t Bim t& rdharfatr • 

J^ejides, be imitates no tragic BrOtBer , ' ' -■■■ 
fVBo males Bim pull do%on one bill'-^p^ eutotBer%. 
tCU Be's not'JlecB, tuid Bas an Bungry eye^ 
(Apoefs dog is never fed too Bi^J, 
Yet Be isjoundf Sirs^ and in good comEtion / 
He Bas HO ivhimjSes ' ■ no indifp^ion : 

JVBene'er in lettors lae^e tBe bitts Be graces^ 
J^ourefure fffieing Bim'—^ifyms-havefUaes r 
J^e\l top tBe bills, if to tBis UxtBefiths^i 
A. Jag of p att% * ' and Bave no puppy'tricBs , ■ 

^dz90ks, Vve loj^ Bis buftnefe in Bis ptaife ; 
* fiB i-^BereBe*ifent Ut guard Bis mafer^i baysk 
Ji dntgo»f once, tBeyfay, kept ivatcB and ward; 
j^Mrr curious golden Jrnitffom thievos to guards 
iio, toprote& tBe j^et^s fe4tit fhm riat^ * 
Seourefuae guinea* and a better diet^ 
Mefent tBis dragon^cfcitie s ' J h be fuieth 
JSBarp tBen*s tbe^ %totd, myfettder-tvaifted cou/ms^^ 
JBe ll /•wallow macaronies by tBe dozens I 
Gro^oHng and /narlistg , don't Jet tBis dog, caitB yo% 

At ail your tearirig •wotB hell over-matcB yo^ 
Jfby ill tumours you out bard tvould puzzle, 
J v€ nothiug el/e to d o^ Butjip^ tBe muxzle / 

9iBo* you're/oB^By (\o the gaDerks,} you too Befoost wouid 
Xhagon Bas xinsigs if Ibutfieiv Bim game. 

But fBould Bis majer*sfng-/cnjg;melt your ftut^ 

JUiUbeasM*^ Signer H^Sgnoi: 

WiU with Barmonious Bowlings figitell eaeB noto^ 







j)RAMAns fersonjb: 

St^CB,XdUet, I Mr. I^ewit ! Mr. Ward I Mr. Ward 

^nggetf I Mr« Quick I Mr. HoUinsfwoith I Mr. Johnfoa 

JUveUuy |;Mr» Booth j Mr. Tannct , ' ^- '^- 

ITm^K^,, |. Mk. Yoiiog Mr, Banks^ 

LadyJtduia^ |MrB.M^ttocksi4rk BuQcle^ 

Mr*. Drugget; 

Mire. Pitt. 
Mift Davis 
Mh. Greoi* 

Mrs. Tanner 
Mrs. KnWetoo 

A Stntamif \^t% 

Mr. Tannet- 
Mr. BaJDk*. 

Mrs. Cemelit 
Mrs. Charteris 
Mrs. Spaxkr 

ACT n 

Knier Woodlxt and Dmrm 


Po ! po !-— no fact thiflg^I tell you, Mr. Woodlip 
you arc a mere novice in thcfc affairs. 

Wood. Nay, butlillen to reafon, Mrs. Dimity htfs- 

■ot your inaftcr, Mr. Drugget^ ininted me down to his- 
country-fcat, in- ordexi to give me bis daughter Nancy 
in marriage j and with what pretiincc can he now breaks 

' Dim. Wlut pretence!— ^yott put »^ body out of aU 


patience-«>Bttt go on your own waj, Sir \ my advice is 

all loft upon you. 

. Wood. You do mc injuftice, Mrs. Dimity* y our \ 
advice has governed my whole condu ft ■ Have not ^ 

I fixed an intereft in the young lady ^s 'heart ? 

Dim. *An intereft in a fiddleftick ! y ou ought to 
have made love to the father and mother — ^What, do you 
think the way to get a wife, at this time of day, is by , 
fpeaking fine things to the lady you have a fancy for ? 
—That was the pradice, indeed \ but things are alterM 
now— you muft addrefs the old peirale, Sir, and pever 
trouble your head about your miftrels— — None of your < 
letters, and verfes, and foft looks, and fine fpecches. ■ * 
'^ Have compaftion^ thou angelic creature, on a poor 
** dying." — Pftia ! ftufiF ! nonfenfe ! all out of fafhion, 
^-^Go your ways to the old curmudgeon ^ humour his 
whims--*** I (hall efteem it an honour, Sir, to be allied 
^ to a gentleman of your rank and tafte.*' '* Upon mj 
** word, he*s a pretty young gentleman,"— Then wheel 
mbout to the mother : '^ Your daughter, Ma^^m, is the 
*^ "ftTj model of you, and 1 Chall addre her for yovr 
•* fake,*'—** Here, come hither Nancy, take this 
** gentleman . for better for worfe." ** La, mama, I 
'* can never confent." — " I fliould not have thought of j 
'' your confent— the confent of your relations is enough : 
'* why, how now, huffey i" So away -you go to church, 
the knot is tied ; an agreeable honey-moon follows^ the \ 
charm is then dilTolvM ^ — ^you go to all the clubs in St. 
James's Street 3 your lady goes to the Coterie \ aud m 
a little time you both go to the Dolor's Commons \ 
and, if faults on both fides prevent a divorce, you'll 
quarrel like contrary elements all the reft of your lives ; 
that's the wi^ of ^he world now. 

Wood, But you knoW; myjdear Dimity, the old couple 
have received every mark of attention from me. 

Dim^ Attention ! to be fure you did not fail afleep in 
their company \ but what then ?— .You (hould have ea* 
tered into their chara^ers, play'd with their humouri, 
and facrificed to their abfurdities. 

Wood. But if my temper is too fran k 

Dim, Frank, indeed ! yes, you have been frank cnougli 
to ruin youifclf.-— Iiav^ not you to do with a rich old- 



Qkop'ket^ttj retired from bufinefs with an bundred thtNT 
iand pounds in his pocket, to enjoy the dud of the Lon- 
don roady which he calls living in the country— -and yet 
you mufl find fault with his iituation !— What if he hat 
made a Tidiculous gimcrabk of his houfe and gardens ^ 
you know his heart is fet upon it \ and could not you 
have commended his taft^ ? But you mud be too frank ! 
" Thofe walks and alleys are too regula r t hyfe cver- 
'' greens (hould not be cut into fuch fantaflic fhapes*^— 
And thus you advife a poor old mechanic, who delights 
in every thing that's monftrous, to follow naturt— Oh^ 
yonVe likely to be a fuccefsful lover ! 

Wood, Bat why ihould I not &ve a father-in Jaw from, 
being a laughing dock ! 

Dim, Make him your father-in-law firft. 

Wood, Why, he can't open his windows for the dud 
<— ^e dands all day looking through a pane of glai^ at 
the carts and dage-coaches as they pafs by ; and he call^ 
that living in the fredi air, and enjoying his own 

Dim, And could not you let him go on his own 
way ? You have ruined yourfelf by talking fenfe to him; 
and all your nonfenfe to the daughter won't makt 
amends for it. - ■ A nd then the mother ^ how have you 
play'd your cards in that quarter ?— She wantj a tinfel 
man of fafliion for her fecond daughter.-*-'* Don't you 
fee (fays die) bow happy my elded girl is made by mar- 
rying Sir Charles Jlacket } She has been married three 
entire weeks, and not fo much as one angry word bas 
pafled between them— Nancy (hall have a man of qua- 
lity too." 

Wood, And yet I know Sir Charles Racket perfefily 

Dim, Yes, fo do I ; and I know hell make his lady 
wretched at lad— -But what then ? You fhould have hu- 
mour'dthe old folks :->*ycu ihould have been a talking 
empty fop to the good old lady^ and tP the old gentle- 
man, an admirer of his tade in gardening. But you 
have lod him— -he is grown fond of this beau Lovelace, 
who is here in the houfe with him \ the coxcomb in* 
gatiates himfelf by flattery, and you're undone by frank- 


- '*^ Wood* 

Ij8 TBRES WEEKS. -<^ I* 

Wood. And jttf Dimity, I won't defpoir. 

Dim. And yet you liavc reafon to defpair ! a miQioa 

of reafons To-morrow is fixM for the wedding-day 5 

Sir Charles and his lady are to be here this very night. 
They arc engaged, indeed, at a great rout in town 5 but 
they take a bed here, notwithflanding.— The family is 
fitting up for them -, Mr. Drugget will keep you all up 
in the next room there till they arrive — and to-morrow 
the bufinefs is over — and yet you don't defpair ! — Hu(h f 
— 4iold your tongue 5 here comes Lovelace.— —Step in-, 
and I'll devife fomething, I warrant you. {Exit Wood^ 
ley.) The old folks (hall not have their own way — 'tis 
enough to yex a body, to ice an old father and mother 
marrying. their daughter as they pleafc, in %ite of all F 
can do. {Exiim, 

Enter * Drugget and^ Lovelace. 

♦ Drug. And fo you like my houfc and gardens, Mr. 

* Lovelace. 

' Love. Oh, pcrfeaiy, Sir 4 they gratify my taftc, of air 

* things. One fees villas where nature reigns in a wild 

* kind of fimplicity J but then they have no appearance 

* of art — ^no art at all. 

* Drug. Very true, rightly diftinguiihed r- ^Now, 

< mine is all art ^ no wild nature here} I did it all my- 

< ^elf. ^ ^ ^ ^ . 

• Ltrje. What ! had you nonei of the great proficient*- 

* in gardening to affift you ? , . ,, / « i 

^ Drug. Lackaday! no ^ha, ha T— I underftand 

* thefe things— I love my garden. The front of my houfc, 

< Mr. Lovelace, is not that very pretty I 

* Love. Elegant to a degree ! , . „ , 

i Drug. Don't you like the lun^ial plec'd juft by my 

* dining-room windows ? 

* Lave. A perfea beauty f . r n 

• Drug. I knew you Tik'd it— and* the motto is fo wcH 

* adapted— T^i»«J ^^5^* ^' *^^^^ r^rww. And I know the 

* meaning of it— Time eatcth and difcovcretft allthing^ 

< —ha, ha ! pretty, Mr. Lovelace !— 1 h^ve fcen peopit 

* fo ftare at it as they pafs by ^Ha, ha . 

' L(xue. Why now, I don't believe there's a noblemaff 
« in the kingdom has fuch a thing; 
' * Drug. Oh no— they have got into a fialfc taftr. 1 



* bouglit that bit of ground the other fide of the roftd-— - 

* and it looks very pretty — I made a duck-pond theie, 

* ior the fake of the profped. 

^ Lme. Charmingly imagm*3 ! 

* Drug. My leaden images are wel l ■ 
' Love, They exceed ancient ftatuary ! 

* Drug. \ love to be fcrrpris'd at the turning of a walk 
' with an inanimate figure, that looks you full iir the face^ 

* and can fay nothing to you, while one is enjoying one^s 

* own thought s * h a, ha f M r. Lovelace, I'D point 

* out a beauty to you — ^Juft by the ha-ha at the end* of 

* my ground, there is a fine Dutch figure with a fcythe 

* in his hand, and a pipe in his mout h t hat's a Jewels 
^ Mr. Lovelace;. • 

' Lcne, That efcap'd me : a thoufand thanks for point- 

* ing it out — I obferve you have two very fine yew-trees. 

* before the houfe* 

*■ iSrug. Lackaday^ Sir ! they look uncouth—- 1 hav« 
*a defign about them — I intend— ha» ha! it will be very 
^ pretty, Mr. Lovelace — I intend to have them* cut into 
^ the (hape of the two giants at Guildhall — ha, ha ! 

* hrot. Exquifitc I— —why then they won't look like 

* trees ? 

*• Dfug. Oh, no, no n ot at all-—! won't have any 
^ thing in my garden that looks like what it is— ha, ha. 
' Love. Nobody underilands thefe things like you, Mr* 

* Dntgget. 

* Drug. Lackaday \ 'tis all my delight now— this n 
^ what I have been working for« I have a great improve- 

* mcnt to make ftill 1 propofe to have my evergreens 

* cut into fortifications ; and then I (hall have the Moro 
' caftle, and the Havanna; and then near it (hall be (hips 
*^of myrtle failing upon feas of box, to attack the town : 

* won't that make my place look very rural, Mr. Love* 

^Lome. Why you have the molt fertile invention, Mr, 

* Drugget. 

* Drug. Ha ha ! this is what I have beeir working 

* for. I love ray garden— but I muil beg your pardon for 

* a few moments^-I muft ftep and fpeak with a famous 

'nurferyman, who is come to offer me feme choice 

^things. ■■! M-Do go and join- the compaay, Mr. Love- 
- < lace* 

.^ kcc— mydaugbUr Racket and Sir Charles will be here 

prefentlj-i-I (han^t go to bed till I fee them — ^Ha, 

' ha ! — ^my place is prettily variegated t his is what I 

* hare been working for-*-— I fin'd for iheriff to enjoy 

* thefe things— ha, ha ! ^Extf^ 
, * Lave, Pooi: Mr. Drugget ! Mynheer Van Thunder- 

* tentrunk, in his little box at the fide of a dike, has as 

* much taile and elegance-^However, if I can but carry 
' off his daughter, if I can but rob his garden of that 
V flower— why then I (hall fay, " This is w]j»at I haye 

* been working for." . 

* Enter Dimity.* 

Dim. Do lend us your afliflance, Mr. LoTelace ■ ■ 
youVe a fweet gentleman, and lovaa good-natured ao« 

Lave. Why, how now, what^s the matter ? 

Dim. My maAer is going to cut the two yew-tree^ 
into the ihape of two devils, I believe : and my poor 
jniftrefs is breaking her heart for it.-.^Do run, and ad- 
vife him agunft it— fliers your friend j you know ihe is, 

Love, Oh, if that^s all-— I'll make the matter eafy di«^ 

, Dm. My miftrefs will be for ever obligM to you ; and 
you^Il marry her daughter in the morning. 

Lav, Oh, my rhetoric fihaU diffuade him. 

Dim. And, Sir, put him againd dealing with that nur- 
fervman \ Mrs. Drugget hates him.^ 

iov. Does ihe ? 

Dim. Mortally. 

Lav. Say no more > the bufinefs is done, [^Exit. 

Dim. If he &y$ one' word, old Drugget will never 
forgive him.—- My brain was at its laft (hift) but if thi» 
plot takes ■ So, here comes our Nancy. 

Enter Nancy. 

Nan. Well, Dimity, what^s to become of me ? 

Dim. My flars ! what makes you up, Mifs ? J 
thought you were gone to bed ! 

Nan. What ihould 1 go to bed for ? only to tumble 
and tofs, and fret, and be uneafy— ^they are goings to 
marry me, and I am frighted out of my wits. 

Dim. Why then, you're the only young, lad^ with- 

tn iifty miles round, that would b« frightenM at fuch * 
lian. Ah ! if they would let me choofe for myielf. 
pirn* Don^ you like Mr. Lovelace \ 
Nottm My mama does^ but I don^t. I douH mind his 
bong a man of fafbioo, not I. 

Dim, And pray> can you do better than follow the 

Nan, Ah! I know there^s a ^aihion for new bonnets^ 
and a falhion for drefliag the hair ^ but I never heard of 
a faihion for the heart. 

Dim, Why then, my dear, the heart mofUy follows 
the faOiion now. 

Nan. Does k ? p ray, who fets the falhion of the 
Dim, All the fine ladies in London, o^ my conficience. 
Nan. And what^s the laft new falhion, pray ? 
Dim* Why, to marry any fop that has a few deceit- 
ful agreeable appearances about him ^ fomethiog of a 
pert phraCe, a good operator for the t^eth, and tolerable 
Nan, And do they marry without loving ? 
Dim, Oh ! marrying for love has been a great while 
oat of fafhion. 

Nan, Why, then, I*U wait till that falhion comes up 
Dim, And then Mr. Lovelace, I reckon— 
Nan, Pflui ! I don't like himi he talks to me as if he 
was the msft mtferable man in the world; and the confi« 
dent thing looks fo pleasM with himfelf all the while.—* 
J want to marry for love, and not for card-playing ■ 
1 fliould not be able to bear the life my fiiler leads« with 
Sir Charles Racket-— and I'll forfeit my new cap if they 
donH quarrel foon. 

Dim. Oh fie! no! they won^ quarrel yet a while > 
A quarrel in three weeks after marriage, would be fome- 
what of the quickeft— By and by, we ihall hear of their 
whims and their humours— Well, but if you don't like 
Mr. Lovelace, what fay you to Mr. Woodl^y ? 

Nan, AH !— I don't know what to fay— but I do- 
love him dearly. Dimity, 



* When fir ft the dear youth pafling by, 

* Difclos'd his feir form to my fight, 

* I gazM, but I could not tell why -y 

* My heart it went throb with delight* 
. * As nearer he drew, thofe fwcet eyes 

* Were with their dear meaaing fo bright, 
^ I trembled, and, lofl in furprize, 

* My heart it went throb with delight. 

* \Vhen his lips their dear accents did try 

* The return of my love to excite, 

* I feigned, yet began to guefs why 

* My heart it went throb with delight. 

* We changM the ftol'n glance, the fond fmilbr 

* Which lovers alone read aright j 

* We lookM, and we figh*d, yet the while 

* Our hearts they went throb with delight. 

* Confent I foon blufliM, with a figh, 

* My promife 1 ventured to plight 5 

* Cohie, Hymen, we then (hall know why 

* Our hearts they go throb with delight.' ■ 

Enter Woodley. * 
Wood. My fweeteft angel ! 1 have heard all, and* my 
heart overflows with love and gratitude. 
. ¥fan. Ah f but I did not know you was lifteniiig. 
You fhould not h^^ve betrayM me fo, Dimity : I fhall be 
angry with yon. 

Dim. Well, 111 take iiiy chance for that— Run both 
into my rorm, and fay all your pretty things to one an* 
ether there ; for here comes the old gentleman — make 
faafle, away. [Exeunt Woodley tf/r//* Nancy* 

Enter Drugget. 
. Drug. A forward prefuming coxcomb 1—— Dimity, 
do you flep to Mrs Drugget, and fend her hither. 
Dim. Yes, Sir. It works upon him, I fee. 


Drug. The yew-trees ought not to be cut, becaufe 

theyMl help to keep off the duft, and I am too near the 

road already ! A forry ignorant fop ! when* I am in fo 

£ne a fituation, and can fee every carriage that goes by 

-And then to abufe the nurferymaa's rarities !— A 


jIS t AFTfil MA1LRU6C. 163 

finer fucking pig in lavender, with fage growing in his 
belly, was never feen ! And yet he wants me not to 

have it Bat have it I will There*s a fine tree of 

inowledge, too, with Adam and Eve in juniper \ Eve^s 
nofe not quite gprown, but *tis thought in the fpring will 
be very forward — PlI have that too 5 with the ferpent 
in ground ivy — ^two poets in wormwood—Ill have them 
both. Ay \ and there^s a lord-mayor^s feaft in lioney- 
fuckle, and the whole court of aldermen in horii-beam ; 
and three modern beaux in jeflamine, fomewhat flunted : 
they all (hall be in my garden, with' the Dragon of 
Wantlcy in box — all — ^all — I'll have ?em all, let my 
wife and Mr. Lovelace (ay what they will— ' 

Enter Mrs. Drugget. 

Mrs. Drug, Did you fend for me, lovely ? 

Drug. The yew-trees (hall be cut into the giants of 
Guildhall, whether you will or not. 

Mfs, Drug, Sure^my own dear will do as he pleafes* 

Drug. And the pond, though you praife the green 
hanks, (hall be waUM round, and I (ball have a little 
fat boy in marble, (pouting ^p water in the middle* 

Mrs. Drug. My fweet, who hinders you ? 

Drug. Yes, and 1^11 buy the nurferyman^s whole ca<> 
talogue Do you think, after retiring to live all the 
way here, alm6(l four miles from Londoti, that I wonT 
do as I pleafe in my own garden ? 

Mrs. Drug. My dear, but why dre you in 'ftich ; • 
p^on ? 

Drug. I'll have the lavender pig, and thie Adam and 
Eve, and the Dragon of Wantley, and all of Vm-^and 
there (han^t be a more romantic fpot on the Londoa 
road than mine. 

Mrs, Drug. I'm fure ^is as pretty as hands can 
make it, ' 

Drug. I did it all myfelf, and III do more— —And 
Mr. Lovelace (hanH have my daughter. 

Mrs. Drug, No ! what's the matter now, Mr. Drug- 
get? ' ' 

Drug. He (hall learn better manners than to abufe my 

houfe and gardens. 1 Y ou put him in the head of it ; 

but I'll difappoint ye both— ^— Arid fo you may eo ^nd 

tell Mr, Lovelace, that the match is ^uite ofiT^ 


164, TBKEn WEEltS ASt L 

Mrs^ Drug. I canH comprehend, all this, not I — bu 
1*11 tell him fo, if you pleafe, my dear I am willing 
to give myfelf pain if it will give you pleafurc : Muft I 
give myfelf pain ? — Don^t aik me, pray don't — I don't 
like pain. 

Drug* I am refolvM, and it (hall be fo. 

Mrs. Drug. Let it be fo then. {Cries,) . Oh ! oh ! 
cruel man ! I fliall break my heart if the match is broke 
oflF-— if it is not concluded to-morrow, fend for an un«> 
dertaker, and bury me the next day. 
. Drug, How ! I don't want that neither ■ 

Mrs. Drug. Oh ! oh ! 

Drug. I am your lord and mafler, my dear, but not 
your executioner— Before George, it muft never be faid 
that my wife died of too much compliance— Cheer up, 
my love— -and this affair (hall be fettled as fooh as Sir 
Cnarles and my Lady Racket arrive. 

M*!. Drug. You bring me to life again— You know» 
my fweety what an happy coyple Sir Charles and his 
lady ar c - Why ihould we not make our Nancy' as 
bapfiy ? 

Enier Dimity. 
,Difn* Sir Charles and^jhis lady, Ma'am. 
' Mrs. Drug. Ohj charming! I'm tranfported with joyj 
■ ' Where are they I I long to fee 'em. [JExtti 

Dm. Well, Sir, the happy couple are ariiv'd. 

J^g> Yesf, they do live happy indeed. 

Dim^ But how long will it laft ? 

Drug, How long ! don't forbode any ill, you jade—' 
don't, I {ay— It will laH during their lives, I hope. 

Dim. Well, mark the end of it-— Sir Charles, 1 
know, [is gay, and good-humour'd — ^but he can't beai; 
the leaift contradiftion, no, not in the merefl trifle^ 

Drug* Hold your tongue— -hold your tongue. 

Dim. Yes, Sir, I have done And yet there is in 
the compofition of Sir Charles a certain humour, which^ 
like the flying gout, gives no dillurbance to the family 
till it fettles in the hea d ■ W hen once it fixes therCi 
merdy on every body about him ! But here he'comes. 

Euter Sir Charles. 

liir Cba. Jdj dear Sir, I kifs your hand b ut why 


Afl L AFTER HAlllll46£* I65 

Hand on ceremony > To find jou up thb late, mortifiei 
mc beyond expreffion. 

Drug. 'Tis but once in a way, Sir Charles. 

Sir Cba. My obligations to you are inexpreflible ^ yott 
have given me tbe mod amiable of girls \ our tempers 
?K:€oid like nniibns in mu^. 

Drug, Ah ! tbat^s what makes me happy in my old 
days \ my children and my garden are all my care. 

Sir Cba, And my friend Lovelace-— he is to have our 
fiftcr Nancy, I find. 

Drug, Why, my wife is fo minded. 

Sir Cba. Oh, by all means let her be made happy«« 
A very pretty fellow Lovelace And as to that Mr, 
---Woodley, I think you caU him— he is but a plain. 
Underbred, ill>fa(hioned fort of a«-nobody knows him \ 
he is not one of us— Oh, by all means marry her to one 
of us. 

Drug, I believe it muft be (b-— Would you take tnjr 
refrefhment ? 
' Sir Cha Nothing in nature, — ^it is time to retire. 

Drug, Well, well 5 good night then. Sir Charles—^ 
Ha! here comes my daughter ■ ■ G ood-night, Sir 

Sir Cha. Bon repos. 

Drug. (Going out.) My Lady Racket, I'm glad to 
hear hGw happy you are 5 I won't detain you now 
there's your good-man waiting for yo u ■ Good night, 
my girl. lExit. 

Sir Cha. I muft humour this old putt, in order to be 
remember'd in his will* 

Enter Lady Racket. 
- Lady Rac. O la !— I'm quite fatigu'd— I can hardly 
move..— ^Why don't you help me, you barbarous man f 

iSlrir Cha. There j take my arm——" Was ever thing 
fo pretty made to Walk !" 

lady Rac. But I won't be laugh'd at— —I don't love 

Sir Cha. IJon't you ? 

Lady Rac* No* Deat me ! this glpvc ! why don't you 
help me off with my glove ? P(ha !— You aukward 
thing, let it alone } you an't fit to be about me ^ I might 
^8 wcU not ^ married, for any ufc you arc of — Reach 


l£6 THRIE WEEKS /fSft 

mc a chaiF-^you have no compaf&on for me I am (b 
glad to fit down— Why do you drag me to routs— You 
know I hate 'em. 

Sir Cba. Oh ? there^s no exifting, no breathing, unle& 
one does as other people of fa(hion do. 

Lady Rac. But I^m out of humour \ I lofl all my mo- 

Sir' Cba. How much I 

Lady Rac. Three hundred. * 

Sir Cba. Never fret for that— I don't value three hun- 
dred pounds to contribute to your happinefs. 

Lady Rac. Don^t you ! Not value three hundred 
pounds to pleafe me I 

Sir Cba. You know I donH. 

Lady Rac. Ah ! you fond fool !-— But I hate gaming 
«— It almoft metamorphofes a woman into a fury— —Do 
you know that I was frighted at myfelf feveral times to- 
night — I had an huge oath at the very tip of my tongue. 

Sir Cba. Had ye ? 

Lady Rac. I caught myfelf at it — and fo I bit my lips 
—-And then I, was crammed up in a corner of the room 
with fuch a (Irange party at a whiil table, looking at 
black and red fpots-^-^did you mind Vm ? 

Sir Cba. You know I was bufy elfewhere* 

Lady Rac. There was that (Irange unaccountable wo- 
man Mrs. Nightfliade — She behaved fo (Irangely to her 
hufband, a poor, inoifenfive, good-natured, good fort of 
a good-for-nothing kind of man. — But the fo teizM him 
«-— ^' How could you play that card ^ Ah, youVe a head, 
and fo has a in~- You're a numikuU, you know you are 
—Ma'am, he has the pooreft head in the world, de does 
not know what he is about j you know you don't— Ah 
fie? I'm aQiam'd of you !" 

Sir Cba. She ^z$ ferv'd to divert you, I fee. 

Lady Rac. And then to crown al l t here was my 
•Lady Clackit, who runs on with an eternal volubility of 
nothing, out of all fcafon, time, and place ■ ■ In the 

>ery midft of the game (he begins, ^ Lard., Ma'am, 

I was apprehend ve I fhould not be able to wait on your 
La'ihip— 1— my poor little dog, Pompey — the fweeteft 
thing in the world — vl fpade led !— there's the knave— 
I was fetching a walk, Me'm, the other loorning in the 

I Park 


Pad— a fine frofly morning it was— -I love frofiy wea- 
ther of all things— Jet me look at the laft trick ■ and 
fo, Me^m, little Pompcy— and if your La^fhip wai^ to 
fee the dear creature pinch'dwith tne froil, and mincing 
Us ileps along the mall-^with his pretty little innocent 
face— I vow I don^t know what to play..— And fo, M'em^ 
while I was talking to Captain Flimfey— Your La'Oiip 
knows Captain Flimfey— -Nothing but rubbifh in my 
haod-— I, can^t help it — Andfo. M'em,five odious frights 
of dogs bcfet my poor little Pompey — the dear creature 
has the heart of a lion, but who can refifl five at once? 
—And fo Pompey barked for afliilance— the hurt he re- 
ceived was upon his chell — ^the do£lor would not advife 
bim to venture out till the wound is healM, for fear of 
to inflammation. — Pray, what's trumps ?" . 

Sir Cba. My dear^ youM make a mod excellent ac« 

Lady Rdc. Well, now let's go to reft ; but Sir Charles, 
how &ockingly^you play'd that laft rubber, when I ftood 
looking over you ! 

Sir Cba, My love, I playM the truth of the game. 

Lady Rac, No, indeed, my dear, you playM it wrongs 

Sir Cba. Po ! nonfenfe ! you donH underftand it. 

Lady Rac, I beg your pardon, I'm allow'd to play bet-* 
ter than you. 

Sir Cba. All conceit, my dearj I was perfeftly, right. 

Lady Rac. No fuch thing, Sir Charles, the (Uamood 
was the play. 

Sir Cba. Po, po ! ridiculous ! the club was the card 
againil the world. 

Lady Rac. Oh ! no, no, no ! I fay it was the dia-» 

•Sir Cba. Zounds ! Madam, I fay it was the club. 

Lady Rac. What do you fly into fuch a paftion for > 

Sir Cba. 'Sdeath and f^ry, do you think I don't know 
what Pm about ^ I tell you once more, the club was the 
judgment of it. 

Lady Rac. May be fo— have it your own way. - 

^ [ IVa/ks about andjings^ 

Sir Cba. Vexation ! you're the ftrangeft woman that 
ever liv'd } there's no convcrfing with^you— — Look'ye 


x5B msE wKKiu AS I. 

here, my Ladj Racket— Uis the cletreft cafe ia tht 
world, I'll make it plain in a moment. 

Lady Rac' Well, Sir ! ha, ha, ha ! 

IWub afneering laugh. 

Sir €ba. I had four cards left— a trump was m3 ^- 
they were fix - no, no, no, they w^rc feven, ain! we 
nine - t hen y6u know-*'— -the beauty of the play«»wat 

Lady Rac, Well, now, \i% amazing to me, that yon 
can*t fee it— Give me leave, Sir Charles — ^your left »band 
adverfary had led his lafl trump — and he had before ^^ 
nefs^d the club and roughM the diamond-*now if yott 
hsld put on your diamond——— 

Sir Cba. Zoons ! Madam, but we playM for the odd 
- Lady Rac. And fure the play for the odd trick 

Sir Cha. Death and fury ! can\ you hear me ? 

Lady Rac. Go on, Sir. 

Sir Cba, Zoons ! hear me, I fay. Will you hear 

Lady Rac. I never heard the like in my life. 

[Hums a tune^ and walks about JretfuByn 

Sir Cba. Why then, you are enough to provoke the 
patience of a Stoic*— (2i<?i/ at ber^ and Jhe walks abont 
and laughs uneqfily.^Nttj well. Madam!— You know no 
more of the game than your father's leaden' Hercules on 
the top of the houfe— ^You know no more of whift than 
he does of gardening « 

Lady Rac. Ha« ha, ha! 

iTakes out a glafs andfeUles ber bait* 

Sir Cba, You^re a vile woman, and I'll not fleep ano- 
Iher night under one Toof with you. 

Lady Rac. As you pleafe. Sir. 

Sir Cba. Madam, it (hall be as I pleafe— -I'll order 
ifty chariot this moment— (G^/W^.) I know how the 
cards (hould he played as well as any man in England* 
that let me tell you — (Goi/ij-.)— And when your family 
were flanding behind counters, meafuring out tape, and 
bartering for Whitechapel needlfts, my anceftors, my^-an- 
ceQ»rs, Madam, were fquaudering away whole eftates 
at cards j whole .^ftates, my Lady Racket— (£&« bums a 
imne, and be Uoks at bcr.)^^Why then, by all that's' dear 

2 to 

\o me, 111 never exchange another word With you, good, 1 

had, or indifferent— Look*yc, nay Lady Racket — ^thus » 

it flood — the trump being led, it was then my bull- 
ncf s ' ■■ 

Lady Rac. To play the dxamoild to be fure^ 

Sir Cha. Damn it, I have done with you for ever ; and 
lb yoa may tctt your father. [Exit, 

Lady Rat. What a paflion the geqtleman^s in ! ha ! 
iia ! (Jaugbs in a pee^ijh mdnrun) I promife him, I'll 
not give up my judgment. 

Enter Sir Charks. 'I 

Sir Cbi^ My lady Racket, look'ye, Ma'am— ^nce 
more out of pure good nature 

Lady Rac» Sir, I am convincM of your good nature. ^ 

Sir Cba^ That, and that only, prevails with me to tell 
you, the club was the play. 

Lady RaC^ Well, be it fo— I have no objeftion. 

Sir Cba: 'Tis the cleared point in the world — ^-^-we 
were nine, and ♦ 

. Lady Rac. And for tllat very rcafon — You know the • 

club was the bell in the houfe. 

Sir Cba. There's no fuch tbin^ as talking to you— 
You're a bafe woman — I'll part from you for ever 5 yoa 
may live here with your father, and admire his fantafti- 
cal evergreens till you grow as fantaftical yourfelf. I'll 
fet out for London this inftant — [Stops at the door.) I'he 
tlub was not the bell in the houfe. 

Lady Rac. How calm you are ? ^Well ! ■ • 1*11 go 

to bed-— will you come ?— You had better Come 

then— you (hall come to bed-— Not come to bed when I 
alk you ! Pooir Sir Charles I 

[Looks and laugbsy then exit. 

Sir Cba. That eafe is provoking. {Crqjfes to tbe opfio- 
Jite door wberejbe went out.) — I tell you the diamond 
was not the play ; and I here take my final leave of 
yo tt ■ ■. (Wa/ks back as fafl as he can.) I am rcfolved 
upon it 5 and I know the club was not the bed in the ' 
iioufe. V [Exiu 

Vol. IV> ' . H ACT 



> 1 

ACT ri. ] 

Enter Dimity. j 


Ha, lia, lia ! Oh, Heavens ! I fhall expire in a fit of ; 
laughing — ^This is the modifh couple that were fo hap* \ 
YJ ! — filch a quarrel as they have had— the whole houfe f 
is in uproar— -ha, ha ! a rare'proof of the happinefs they \ 
enjoy in high life* I ihall never hear people of fafhion \ 
mentioned again, but I fhall be ready to die in a fit of \ 
laughter — ^Ho, ho^lio! this is three weeks after mar-^ 
riage, I think* 

Enter Drugget. ; 

Bru^. Hey ! how ! what's the matter. Dimity ?—— •'^ 

What am 1 calPd down flairs for ? \ 

Dim. Why, there's two people of fafliion i <* * 

^ ' [Stifles a laugh, \ 

Drug. Why, you faucy minx !—— Explain this mo- \ 

snent. S 

Dim. The fond couple liaVe been together by the ears 
this half hour.— -Are you fatisfied now ? 

Drug. Aj ! What, have they quarrellM P— what was ^ 

it about ? . 'J 

Dim. Something above my comprehenfion, and yours 

'too, I believe—People in high life underhand their own 

forms beit— And here comes one that can unriddle the 

whole affair. [ExU. 

Snter Sir Charles. 
Sir Cba. (to the people wUhiti.) I fay, let the horfes 
'be put to this mcanen t ■ So, Mr. Drugget. 

Drug. Sir Charlef , here^s a terrible buHle'— I did nott 
.<xpe£t this-— what can be the matter ? 

Sir Cha. I have been usM by your daughter in fo 
bafe, lb contemptuous a manner^ that I am determined 
cot to ilay in ihis houfe to-night. 

Drug. This is a thunderbolt to me! after feeing ho^ 
. elegantly and faihionably you liv*d together, to find now 
fill funfliinc vanifli'd"— Po; Sir Chades, let me heal this 
i'i«ach, if poffiblc. 


Sir Cba. Sir 'tis io^ffiUe — u^'ll ttot five with her t 
day longer. 

Drug. Nay, nay, donH be over hafty— let me tntreat 
yon go to bed and fletp upon it— tin the morning) when 
you're cool— 

So- Cba. Oh, Sir, I am very cool, I affu r e h a ! 
ha I— «dt is not in her power, Sir — to a . a t o dillarb 
the ftrenity of my temper— —DonH imagine that I'm 
in a f affion ^ I*m not fo eaiily ruffled as you may imagine 
^-But quietly and deliberately I can repay the injuriea 
done me by a falfe, ungrateful, decehful wife. 

Dntg. The injuries done you by a falfe, uagrateful 
wife! My daughter,-! hop e ■ ' 

Sir Cba. Her charader is now fully k'nowa to mef 
c's a vile woman ! That's all .1 hate to lay, Sir. 

Drug. Hey ! hoir ■■ a vSle woman ! What has (he 
done ? I hope (he is not capabl e 

Sit *€ba. I fhaft enter into no detail, Mr. Drugget ; 
^ tnn« and circumftances won't allow it at jprefent— 
But depend upon it, I have done with her— -a low, un^ 
poliih'd, uneducated, falSe, nnpofin|r-~3'ee if the hoifes 
ire pult to. 

Drug. Mercy on me, in my old days to hear this ! 

Enter Mrsv Drugget. 

Mnt^ Dhtg* Deliver me ] I am all over in fuch a 
tremble ■ « ' Sir Charles> I ihall break my heart if there'! 
tny thing amils. 

sir Cbm* Msfdam, I am very forry, for your fake 
but there is no poilibility. of living with her. 

Mrs. Drug. Mj poor dear girl I What can (he have 
done ? 

Sir Cba. What all her fex can do ', the very fp'rit of 
Aem alK 

Dn^ Ay, ay, ay V "She's bringing foul difgrace 
tipbn ns ■ T his comes ci her mazr^ing a man of fa- 

Sir^ba. Fafhion, Sir!— ^— that (hould have inftruded 
her better— ihe might havt betn fenfible of her happi:. 
neis— Whatever you may think of the fortune you gave 
her, my rank in life claims refpeft-M^laims obedience, 
attention,' truth, and love, from one railed in the -world, 
M (he has be en^ by an alUance with me. 

H z '^'^- 


Drug, Apd let me tell you, however you may efti" 
ipate your quality, my daughter is^dear to me. 

Sir CJba, Andy Sir, my chara^ef is dear to me. 

Drug. Yet you muft give me leave, to tell you ■ 

Sir Cba. I won't hear a word. 

Drug. Not in behalf of my own daughter ?. 

Sir Cbd, Nothing can cxcufe her-^'tis to no purpofe 
«<-(he has married above her ; , and, if that circumftance 
makes the lady forget hcrfelf, (he at leaH (hall fee that I 
can, and will fupport my own* dignity. 

Drug, But, Sir, I have a right to aik ' ■' 

Mrs, Drug, Patjence, my dear j be a little calm. 

Drug^ Mrs. Drugget, do you have patience \ I muft^ 
and will inquire. 

Mrs, Drug, Pon't be fo hafty, my'love ; have feme 
rerpe(El for Sir Charles'5 rank ; don't be Violent with a 
man of his faihion. 

Drug. Hold your tongue, woman, I fay— ^you're not 
a perfon of faihion at leaj } ' ■ My daughter was ever a 
:good girl. . 

Sir Cha. I have found her out. 

Drug. Oh, then it is all over— and it does not iignify 
arguing about it. ' 

Mrs. Drug. That ever I to fee this hour ! 
how the unfortunate girl could take fuch wickednefs in 
her head, I can't imagine— Pll go and fpeak to the un- 
happy creature this moment. \_Exitm 

Sir Cha, She ftands detc6led now — deteSed in her 
trueft colours. 

Drug^ Well, grievous ^s it • may be, let me hear the 
circuraftances of this unhappy bufinefs. 

Sir Cha, Mr. Drugget, 1 have not leifure now— but 
her behaviout has been fo exafperating, that I^ (hall make 
the beft of my way to town — My mind is 'fixed-'— She 
fees me no more ; and fo, your fervant. Sir. [^Exit, 

Drug, What a calamity has here befallen us ! a good 
girl, and fo well difpos'd, till the evil communication of 
Jbigh life, and fafhionable vices, turn'd her to folly* 

Enter Lovelace. 

Love, Joy ! joy !. Mr. Drugget, I give you joy. 

Lrug^ Don't infult me, Sir! I delire you won't. 

Lcve^ Infult you, Sir ! i s there ajay thing infult* 

Act !!• AFTER MARRIAGF, 17j 

ing, my dear Sir^ if I take the liberty to congfatulate 
you on— , 

Drftfg".- There, there!-— the manners of high life for 

you— he thinks there's nothing in all this— the ill 

behaviour of a wife he thinks an ornament to her cha> 

' rafter " M r.^ Lovelace, you ihall have no daughter of 


Lffve, My dear Sir, never bear malice— I have recon- 
fidered the thing 5 and curfe catch me, if I dop't think. 
yx>ur notion of the Guildhall giants and the court of Al« 
dermen in hornbeam—*— * 

Drug. Well, well, well ! there may be people at the 
court-end of the town in hornbeam too. 

Love, Yes, faith, f6 there may — and I believe I could 
recommend you to a tolerable colleftion— however, with 
your daughter I am ready to venture. 

Drug, But I am not ready * I 'll not venture my 
girl with you 'no more daughters of mine fhall have 
their minds deprav'd by polite vices. 

* Enter Woodley. 
' Mr. Woodley— .you (hall have If ancy to your wife, as 

* I promis'd you — take her to morrow morning. 

* Wood, Sir, I have not words to exprefs— — 

* Loive, What the devil is the matter with the old ha- 

* berdaftier now ? 

* Drug, And hark ye, Mr. Woodley — I'll make you 

* a prefent for your garden, of a coronation -dinner in' 
. ^ greens, with the champion riding on horfeback, and 

* the fword will be full grown before April next, - 

* Wood, I (hall receive it, Sir, as your favour. 

' Drug. Ay, ay ! I fee my error in wanting an al- 

* liance with great folks: — I had rather have you, Mr. 

* Woodley, for my fon in-law, than any courtly fop of 
*- 'em all. Is this man gone ?— Is Sir Charles Racket' 

* gone ? 

' Wood, Not yet — he makes a bawling yonder for his 

* horfes— I'll ftep and call him to you. [^Exit, 

* Drug, I am out of all patience 1 am out of mj 

* fenfes — I muft fee him once more'— Mr. Lovelace, nei- 
ther you nor any perfon of falhion* ihall ruin another 
ulaughter of mine. [^Exitm 

Love. Droll this !^ damn'd droll ! and. every fyl- 

H 3 labia 


1^4 fMEKW^ttS jISB. 

labk of St Arabic to me The qu£er 'old p9t is ^as 
ivhimfical in his notions of life as of gardening. If 
this be the cafe-'^IUl bruih, and leave him to his exo- 
tics. ^xU. 

Enter "LtAj liacket, Mrs. Drugget, and" Diimty*. 

Lady Esac, A cruel, barbarous man T To quarrel ikt 
thiis unaccountable manner ; to. alarm the whole houfe^ 
and expofe me and himfelf too. 

Mrs» DrufT, Oh," child! I nerer thought it would liav# 
come to this — ^Your (hame won^t end here! it will bft 
all over St. James's parHh- by to-morrow morning. 

Lady Rac, Well, if it muft he (b, there's one comfort^ 
. \\\^ (lor J will tell more ta his di%race than mine. ' 

Dim^ As I am a finner, and io it wiU, Madam. He 
d^ferves what he has met with, I think. 

Mn, Drug* Dimity, don't you encourage her— you 
(hock, me to hear you ^eak fo ■' I did not think you 
had been fo harden'd. 

* Lady- Rac, HardenM do you call it >— — I have liy'd ^ 
in the world to very little purpofe if fuch trifles as thefe. 
are to difturb my reft. . » , ^ 

' Mrs, Drur. You wicked girl ! Do you callit a trifle 
to be guilty of falfehood to your hufband's bed ? 
' Lady Rac*. tliaiw i 

[Turns fiorty and Jiares at bet^ 

* Dim. That ! that's a mere trifle indeed ■ I have 
^ been in as good places as any body^ and not a crea^ 
^ ture minds it now, I'm fure. 

*' Mrs, Drug, My Lady Racket,, my Lady Rackety 
^ I never could think to fee you come to this deplorable 

* ihame.- 

' Lady Rac. Surely the bafe man has not been capable 
*■ of laying any thing of that fort to my charge. iJffidc. 
*- —•All tUs is unaccountable to me-«»ha, ba I-^'tis a^\' 
t diculous beyond meafure. Jl^'"' 

^ Dim. That's right, Mada m ■ « l augh at i t" j y '• 

* ferv'd him dght. ^ '« 

* Mrs. Drug. Charlotte ! Charlotte I I'm aftonifh'd 10$ 

* your wkkednefs. 

* Lady Rac. Well, I proteft and vow I don't compre<» 
« hcnd allthii.'^— Has Sir Charles accus'd. me of any 
imprc^riet^ i& my condu^ i 


AB 11. Amu MARKiAaxJ 175^ 

Mrs, Drug. Oh! too true, he has— —He has found 
you-^nit J and you have behavM bafely, he fays. 

Lady Rac. Madam ! • 

Mrs, Drug., You have fallen into frailty like many 
others of your fex, he fays ; and he is refolved to come 
to a feparation dire£lly. '' 

Laify Roc, Why theif , if he is fo bafe a wretch as t«- 
dxAionour me in that manner, his heart (hall ache before 
I live with him again. 

Dim. Hold to that, Ma^am ^ and let his head acW 
into the bargain* 

Mrs* Drug, Your poor father heard it as well as me*<* 

Lady Roc, Then let your doors be opened for hin^ 
this very momenta-let hmi return to London If he 
does not, lUl lock myfelf up j and the falfe one (han^t 
approach me, though he beg .on his knees at my very 
doo r ■ ■ A bafe ifijimoos man ! \_Exit. 

Mrs* Drug. Dimity, do let us follow, and he^r what 
Ac has to fay for herfelf. [^Exit* 

Dim, She has excufe enough, I warrant her-— What 
a noife is here indeed ! f ' I have livM in polite fami* 
lies^ where there was no fuch buftle made about nothing. 

Enter Sir Charles and Drugget. 

Sir €ba* *Tis in vain, Sir, my refolution is taken ■■■ ■ >■ 

Drug. Well, but coniider, I am her father— -—in- 
dulge me only till we hear what the girl has to fay ia^ 
Iwc defence. 

SinCba. She can have nothing to fa y .- ' u o excufe^ 
can palUate fuch behaviour. 

Drug. Don^t be too pofitive-^there may be fome mif*- 

Sir Cba. No miilake ■ D id not I fee her, hear her 

Drug* Lackaday! then I am an unfortunate maa! 
Sir Cha. She wUl be unfortunate too ■ ■ with all my>^ 
heart fl ^e may thank herfel f f he might have beea 
happy, had (be been fo difpofed. 

Drug. Why, truly, I think (he might. 

Enter Mrs. Drugget* 
Mrs. Drug. I wilh youM moderate your anger a littfe 

H 4 _aa* 


]^7$ .THRIB WKSXK^ .M JJt^ 


---and let us lilLlk.^oveir'CHis affair with temper M y 
daugl^ter denies everj title of yoiir charge. 

Sir Cha. Denies it ! denies it ! 

Mrs. Drug. She does indeed. 

^Vr Cha. And that aggravates her fault.. 

ikfr/. Drug. She vows you never found her out in any 
thing that was wrong. 

Sir Cba. So ! (he does not allow it to be wrong then ? ^ 
Madam, I tell you again, I know her thoroughly j. 
I fay, Lhave found her out^ and I am now acquainted 
with her character. 

Mrs, Drug. Then you are in oppofite flories ■ She- 
fwears^ my dear Mr. Drugget, the poor girl iwears fhc 
never was guilty of the iinalleft infideUty to her huiband 
in her born-days. 

Sir Cha* And what theu ^-— what if flie fdoes fay £o ^ 

Mrs. Drug, And if fhe faji* truly, it U hard h«r cha* 
rader (hould be blown upon without yiik caufe. 

Sir Cha. And is (he therefore to behave ill la other 
xefpeds > I«never ohargM iter with infidelity to me. Ma- 
dam There 1 allow her innocent. 

Drug. And did not you charge her then? 

Sir Cha. No, Sir, I nev^r dreamt of fuch a thing. 

Drug. Why then, if Ihe's innocent^ kt me tell you^ 
youVe a fcandalous perfon. 

Mr^. Drug. Prithee, my dear ■ ■ 

Drug,' ]^lt^ quiet«-«^-t hough he is a man of quality, 1' 

win tell hira of it Did not I fine for ftieriff I— ••Yes^ . 

you are a icaardalous perfon to defame an honeft 'man^& 

Sir Cha. What have you tal^n intd your head . now > 

Drug, You charg'd her with falfehood to your hed^ 

Sir Cha. No— naever— never. 

Drug, But I fay you did — You call'd yourfelf a cue** 
kold — — *Did not he wile ? 

Mrs. Drug. Yes, lovely I'm witnefs. 

Sir Cha, Abfurd 1 1 faid no fuch thing.. 

'Drug. But I aver you did. 

Mrs. Drug. You did indeed, Sir. 

Sir Cha. But I tell you no— pofitively no 

Drug, and Mrs.. Drug. And I fay yes, pofitively 



Jtii //. AFTER MARRIACJK 177* 

Sir Cha. 'Sdeath^ this is all madncfs » 

Drug. You faid fhe follow 'd the ways of mod of her 
fcx. \ . . 

Sir Cha. I faid fo '■ and what then \ 

Drug. There, he owns it — owns that he calPd him- 
felf a cuckolds— >and without - rhime or reafbn into the 
bargain. ' 

Sir Cba. I never own'd any fuch thing. 

Drug. You ow^nM it even now— now— now— now. 
Enter Dimity, in a Jit of laughing. 

Dim* What do you think it was all about — ^ha, ha f 
the whole fecret has come out, ha, ha !— It was all about 
a game of cards-*ha, ha !• 

Drug. A game of cards ! 
^ Dim. (Jaughing.y It was all about a club and a diamond* 
-- {Runs out laughing. 

Drug. And was that all, Sir Charles ? 

Sir Cba. And enough too. Si r 

Drugn And was that what you found her out in ? 

Sir Cha. I can't bear to be contradi6led when I'm^ 
clear that 'I'm in the right. 

Drug. I never heard fuch a heap of nonfenfe in all mj 
life— Woodley fhall marry Nancy, 

Mrs. Drug, Don't be in a hurry, my love, this will 
all be made up. 

Drug, Why does not he go and beg her pardon, then ? 

Sir Cba. I beg her pardon I 1 won't debafe myfelf to- 
finy of you — I (han't forgive her, you may reft affur'd. 

t [Exit. 

Drug, Now there — ^there's a pretty fellow for you ! 

Mrs. Drug. I'll ftep and prevail Lady Racket 
to fpeak to him— then ,all will be well. [Exit. 

Drug. A ridiculous fop I I'm glad *'ti§ no worfe, how** 

Enter Nancy* 
So Nancy— you fcem in confufion, my girl ! 

Nan. How can one help it ? — With all this noife in 
the houfe, and you're going to marry me as ill as my 
filter — I hate Mr. Lovelace. 

Drug. Why fo, child ? ^ 

. Ntia*- I know thefe people of quality defpife us all 

H 5 out 

17^ T&ues wKi0^. jUt lf» 

out of price, and would be gUd to marry m out of ava^ 

Drug. The girPs right. 

l^an. They marry one woman, live with another,, and 
love only themfelves. 
' Drug. And then quarrel about a card. 

l^an^ I don^t want to be a gay lad y I want to be 

Drug. And fo you (hall— don^t fright yourfelf, child 

■— ftcp to your fifteri bid her make herfelf eafy— go 
and comfort her, go. 

Nmn. Yes, ' Sir. \Exit. 

Drug. lUl ftcp and fettle the matter with Mr. Wood- 
ley this moment. lExif. 

Enter Sir Charles, with a pack of cards in bis hand* 

Sir Cba. Never was any thing like her behaviour— •! 
can pick out the very cards I had in my hand v and 
then 'tis as plain as the fun— there— now— there— na 
damn it— no— there it was— now let's fee— they had 
fcur by honours^— and we playM for the odd trick- 
damnation ! honours were divided — ay ! — -honours were 
divided.— and then a trump was led — and the other (ide 
had t;he— -confufion ! — ^thb prepoflerous woman has* put 
jt all out of my head-— (Ptr/j the cards into his fociet.) 
Mighty well, Madam ; I have done with you-. 

Enter Mrs. Drugget. 

Mrr. Drug. G>me, Sir Charles, kt me prevail— come 
with me and fpeak to her. 

Sir Cha. I don't defiie to fee her face. 

Mrs. Drug. If you were to fee her aril bath'd m tears,, 
I am fure it would melt your very heart. 

Sir Cba. Madam, it (hall be my fault if ever I am 
treated fo again— I^ have* nothing to fay to her— ^Go- 
ing, flops ^ Does (he give up the point ? 

Mrs. Drug. She does, (he agrees, to any thing. 

Sir Cba. Does (he allow that the club was the play \ 

Mrs. Drug. Juft as you pleafe — (he^ all fubmid^on. 

S^p Cha, JDees (he own that the club was not the bell 
In the houfe. 
^ Jdr^ Drugi She docs — (he docs. 

Sir Cba. Then 111 ftep and (peak to her— —I never 
was clearei in any thing in mj life«-^But; Mrs. Drug- 

ASH. jtrrn iMiumGE. s'fy 

t^et, give me leave to aik }^ott-— You are t very fenfible 
woman no w ' "I^U ihew yoii H ere are the very 
card s ' 

Mrs. Drug. Lord, Sir^ I underfiand nothing at alt 
about cards,-— 

Sir Cha. Damn me, if ever I faw fnch anobftinate fa- 
mily all my life. {Eicit,^ 

Mrs, Drug. Lord love 'em, they'll make it up now — 
and then they'll be as happy as ever. ^Exu.r 

Enter Nancy. ' , 

Nan. Well, they may talk what they will of tafte, and 
genteel li f e ■ 1 don^t think 'tis natura l ^ ' Give rae 
Mr. Woodlc y - ' L a 1 there's that odious thing comings 
this way* 

Enter Lovelace. 

Lcve. Mv charming little innocent, I have not feem 
you theie tJiree hours. 

Nan. I iMve been very happy thefe three hours. 

Love. My fweet angel, you fecm difconcerted— — ' 
And you negle£b your pretty figure— —Ne matter for 
the prefent ^ in a little time I (hall make yoj appear 
as graceful and genteel as your fiiler.. • 

* Nan. That is not what employs my thoughts*, Sir. ^ 

* iove*^ Ay, but my p^retty little dear, that (hould en-- 

* gage your attention f t o fet off and adoin the charms « 
*■ that nature has given, youfhould be the bufinefs of your 
' life. 

* Nan, AH, but I have learned anew fong that con- 
'' tradi£l« whet you fay *, and thb' lam not in a very good' 
^ humour fop finging, yet you (hall hear it. 

' Lope, Byallmean Si ■ / don>*t. check your .fanc y " ^ 

* I'm dir attention.- . 

*- Nan, It expreffesmy fentiments*; and when you have* 
^ heard- th^m^ you won't teaie. me aay more. 

'* To dknoeand^to'drefs; andto flount it* about 3: 
^ To run to park) pls^y» to affembly and rout 3 
^ T»> wander €or* evet in whim '9 giddy: ma^e, 
*' And one poor hair torture a million of ways ^ 
^ To'putv at the glafs, every feature to fchool, 
^ Andnra^c their art on each fop and each foolr';'. 

a 6^ ! o^ 

< or one thing to think, and another to tell : 

* Thefe, thefe are the manners of each giddy belle*. 

* To fmile and to fimper, white teeth to difpla.y j 

* The time in. gay lollies to trifle away ^ 

* Againft every virtue the bofom to.fteel, 

* And only of drefs the anxieties feel y * 

* To be at Eve's , ear the infidious decoy; 

' The pleafure ne'er tafte, yet the mifchief enjoy \ 
*. To boaft of foft raptures they never can know : 

* Thefe, thefe are the manners of each giddy beau» 

Nan', May be (a, Sir ; but I'm not at lei&re to receive 
your initrudions-...^nd fo your fervant^ Sir. [^ExU^ 

Love. I mufi have her, notwithfianding thi S ' i f og 
tho' I'm not in love, yet I'm in debt. 

Enter Drugget.. 

Drug, So, Mr.. Lovelace L Any news Irom above 
flairs !" Is this abfurd quarrel at an end- i'-p^HaEve they 
made it up ? 

Love, Oh i a mese bagatelle, Sir — thefe little fracas, 
among tlie better fort of people never lait Long— »£le*- 
gant trifles caufe elegant difputes y and we come toge- 
ther elegantly againr— as- you fee-^fbr here they come,, 
ip perfect gpod humour. 

Enter Sir Ghades anJ Lady Racket. 

Sir Cha, Mr. Drugget, I embrace you y Sir, y0u fee 
me DOW in the mofl: perfeft harmony of ipirits. 

Drug, What, ' all reconcil'd again ? 

Lady Rac. Ail made up, Sir— rl knew bow to-bring^ 
bim to my lure — l'hi« is the firft diflPerence, I think,. 
we ever had, Sir Charles* * 

Sir Cha, And I'll be fworn it fhall be the.laft.. 

Drug, I am happy at lail-^'Sir Charles, I can fpare 
^ou an image to put on th$ top. of your hoafe in Lon- 
•don. . 

Sir Cha, Infinitely oblig'd to you. 

Drug, Well, well— 'tis time to retire now— f 
am glad to fee you recoricird-— -and now I'll ^'i(h you 
a good, night, Sir Charles— -Mx. Lovelace^ this is your 
way- — ; faie ye well both ■ I am.gJsMl your quarrel*^ 
arc at an end^^— rThis way, Mr. LoVelace. 

^ ^ • £jEa;^«/2/ Lovelace «/?</ Drugget. 


i7, AFTBR MA&VAGK. l8s 

Lady Rac* AL ! youVe a fad man , Sir Charles, to be* 
jhave Jo me as you have done. 

Sir Cha. My dear, I grant it— and fuch an abfurd 
quarrel too-— ha, ha ! 

Lady Rac. Yes— ha, ha. I-i-about fuch a trifle. 
Sir Cha, ^Tis plea&nt hoi^ we could both fall into* 
iiich an error— ha, ha ! 

Lady Rac, Ridiculous beyond expreffion-^ha, ha ! 
Sir Cha. And then the miftake your father and^|mo« 
ther fell into— ha, ha ! 

Lady Rac, That too is a diverting part of the ^Lorj-^ 

ha, ha !— But, Sir Charles, mud I Say and live with my 

father till I grow as fantaflical as his own evergreens ^ 

Sir Cha. No, no, prithee-— don't remind me of mj 


Lady Rae, Ah ! my relations were all (landing behind 
counters, fellirig Whitechaj)el needles, while youx fami* 
ly were fpending great eilates. 

Sir Cha, Nay, nay, fpare my blufhes. 
Lady Rac» How could you fay fo harfh a thing ?— ^|l 
don't love you. 

Sir Cha, It was indelicate, I grant it. 
Lady Rac, Am I a vile woman ? 
, Sir Cha, How can you, my angel ? 

Lady Rac, I (han't forgive you ! I'll have you om 
your knees for this. (Sings and plays with himJ)-^*^ Go^ 
naughty man." Ah ! Sir Charles ! 

Sir Cha. The reft of my life ihall aim at convincing 
you how lincerely I love 

Lady Rac* (^^^J"*) ** Go, naughty man, I can't abide, 
you." W ell I come let us go to reft. (Going.) Ah, 
Sir Charles, now it is all over, thh diamond was the 
play. _^ 

Sir Cha. Oh no, no, no,— my dear !' ha, ha !— it was 
the club indeed. 

Lady Rac. Indeed, my love, you're Iniftaken. ^ 

Sir Cha. Oh, no, no, no. 

Lady Rae. But I lay yes, yes, yes— {_B(ah laughingm 

Sir Cha. PIha ! no iuch tiling — ha, ha I 

Rady ^Rac. 'Tis fo indeed — ha, ha ! 

Sir Cha, No, no, no-r-youll make me die with laugh-^ 



}82 TBUBX WtlftS. JiO i£ 

Lady Rac* Kj^ and 70a make me laugh too ' "h gy 

Enter Footman. 
Foot, Your Honour's cap and dippers. 
Sir Cha, Ay, lay down mynight»cap ' a nd here, 
take tbefe (hoes off. (^He takes ^em qffl and /eaves ^em at 
a diflance.) Indeed, my Lady Racket, you make me 
ready to expire with laughing — ^ha, ha \ 

Lady Rac, You may laug h ; ■ b ut Pm right not- 

Sir Cha. How can you fay fof 

Lady Rac. How can you fay otherwile } 

Sir Cha, Well, now mind me, my Lady Racke t 
We can now talk of this matter in good-humouri— Wer 
can difcufe it coolly 

Lady Rac, So we can.*and 'tis for that reafon I v^enture 
to (peak to yvu. Are tbefe the ruffles I bought hr you ? 
* Sir Cha. They arc, my dear. 

Lady Rac. They are very prett y > But indeed yoi* 
played the card wrong. 

Sir Cha. Po, there is nothing fo clear ■ i f yoii wilp 
but hear me-— only hear me. 

Lady Rac, Ah !— but do you hear me — ^the thing was- 
thus— The advcrfary*8club being thebeftin thehoufe^— 

Sir Cha, How can you talk fo ! {^Somewhat peevejhm. 

Lady Rac, See there now 

Sir Cha, Liflen to me— Tins was the affair 

Lady Rac, Pfha, fiddleftick f hear me firft. 

-Sir Cha, Po n a ■ ■ damn it, let me fpeak. 

* Lady Rac. WelF, to- be- furc you'^rc a ftrange man*. 

* Sir Cha, Plague and torture ! there is no fuch thing; 

* as converiing with yoo; 

* Lady Rac, Very well, Sir ! fly out again. 

* Sir Cha, Look here now— here'* a pack of cards^ 

* now you (hall be convinc'd— — ' 
Lady Rac. You my talk tiU' tormorrow \ I know I'nu J 
right [Waiks about^ 

' . Sir Cha, Why then, by all that's perverfe, you are 
the moft headftrong C anH you look here npw 
here are the very cards. 

• Lady Rac, Go on 5 you'll find it out at lafli 
Sir. Quu Damn it ! will you let a man flicwyou. Pd.^ 


^ aH aonlenfe-— I'll talk nomore about it«*(^<r mp the 
cards.) Come, we^ll go to bed. {going.) Now, only ftaj a 
moment— (/tf^ifx oat the canls.) Now nind lae— fee keresi 

Ztf^ jS^r. No, it does not fignify-^joor head will be 
clearer in the morning-*I^ go to bed* 

Sir Cba» Staj a moment, can^t je ? 

Lady Roc. No-— my head begins to ache— (^S^UM^*) 

Sir Cba. Why then, damn the cards-^hei«— there-* 
{Arowing tbt cards abaui) and there, and there— Yon 
may go to bed by yourfelf ; and conAifion feize me if I 
five a moment longer with y&Ot^^Pmgnng ou bis Jbaas 

* Enter IMauty- 

' Dim. Do you call, Sir > 

* Sir Cba. No, nevery Madam. 

* Dhtt. (in a Jit of laughing.) What, at it again !' 
Lady Rac. Take your own way, Sir. 
Sir Cba., Now then^ I tell you once more your are a 

▼Be womai>. 

' Don., La, Sir f this b charming— 'IHl run and telt 
* the old couple. lEmt.* 

Sir Cba. {Jii//fitttting on hisjboes.) You are the moft 
perverfe, obftinate, nonfcDfical 

Lady Rac Ha, ha ! don't make me Hragh again, Sit 

Su- Cba. Hell and the devil ^Will you fit down 

quietly, and let me conrince you ? 

Lady Rac. I don't choofe to bear any more about it. 

Sir Cba. Why then I believe you are poflefled— it if 
n vain to talk fenfe and reafon to you. 

Lady Rac. Thank you for your compliment. Si r ■ 
Aich a man {witb ajfheering /atigb.) I never knew the 
like * ISitsdowm 

Sir Cba. I promife you, you (hall repent of thi» ufage. 
More yott have a moment of my company again ■ i t 
ftaa't be on a hnrry, you may depend, Madame—Now 
itehere^-I can prove it to ademonftration. {Sits down 
hjber^Jbegets up.) Look ye there again now*— you have 
the moft perverfe and peeviih temper— I wiih I had ne* 
▼er feen your face— 1 wiih I was a thoufand miles off 
from yo u -Sit down but one moment.. 

Lady Rac. Vm difposM to walk about, Sir*. 

l94 TS&U WEEKS .rf^ESF JZ 

Sir €ha. Why then, may I perifh if ever— a block- 
head—an idiot I was, to marry {walks about) fuch a pro- 
voking— impertiaent—>(<S6^^j down,') Damnation !— I 
sm fo clear in the thing-— 4[he is not worth my notice^— 
(JSits down, turns bis baci^ and looks uneajy^ I'll take 
no more pains about it. {Paufes for fome time, then lookr 
0t berj) Is not it very ftrange that you won't hear sie ? 

Lady Roc, Sir, I am very ready to hear you. 

Sir Cha, Very well then— -very well— my dear— you. 
remember how the game flood. 

Lady Roe. I wifli you^d untie my necklaeei it hurts 
me. • 

Sir Cba. Why can't ydu liften ? 

Lady Rac, I tell you it hurts me terribly. 

Sir Cba, Death and confufion ! there is no bearing 
this'*— you may be as wrong a& you pleafe ^ and may I 
never hold four by honoursi if I ever endeavour to fet 
you right again. {^Exit- 

Enter Mr. and Mrs. Drugget, Woodley, Lovelace, and 


Drug* What's here to do now ? 

Lady Rac. Never was fuch a man born — I. did not fay 
a word to the gentlema n - a nd yet he has been raving. 
about the room like a madman. 

Drug, And about a club again, I fuppofe— Come hii* 
iher, Nancy y Mr Woodley, ihe is youis for life. 
, Mrs, Drug* My dear, how can you be for— 

Drug, It iball be fo take her for life, Mr. Wood- 


IVood^ My whole life fhall be devoted to her happi^ 

Love, The devil ! and fo I am to be left in the lurch 
in this manner, am I ^ * i 

Lady Rac, Oh 1 this is only one of thofe polite dif- ^ 
putes which people of quality^ who have nothing elk to 
differ about, muil always be liable to— r-yThis will all 
be made up. 

Drug, Never tell me— His too late now — Mr.. Wood- 
ley I recommend my girl, to your care — I (hall have no- 
thing now ^ think of, but my greens, and my imagef* 
and my ihrubbery— though, mercy on all maixied folks, 



{sty I] for thefi? wrajogUxigs are, I am afraid. What w€ 
mu/i a/Icomg to* 

Lady Racket coming forward. 
What we muft all come to I What ? — Come to what ? 
Muft broils and quarrels be the marriage-lot ? 
If that's the wife, deep meaning of our^oet. 
The man's a fool ! a blockhead ! and I'll fiiew it* 
' What could induce him, in an age fo nice. 
So fam'd for virtue, fo refin'd from vice, 
Tp form a plan fo trivial, falfe, ' and low ? 
As if a belle could quarrel with a bean : 
As if there weie, in thefe thrice happj days. 
One who from nature or from reafon ftrays ! 
There's no crois huA)%nd now,' no wrangling wife \ 
1 he man is downright ignorant of life. 
Tis the millennium thi s devoid of g^le. 
Fair gentle Truth and white-rob'd Candour finile« 
From ev'ry bread the fordid love of gold 
Is banifli'd quite n» boroughs now are fold ! 
Fray tell me. Sir s [for I don't know, I vow, J 
Pray—; — is there fuch a thing as gaming now \ 
<Po peers makcl^laws againil that giant Vice \ 
Md theu at 4^rthui:'s bxeak them in a trice ? 
No, no-— <Hir fives are virtuous all, auilere and kard y 
Pray, Ladies, ' do- you. ever fee a card ? 
Thofe empty looses (hew you don't love plays y 
The managers, poor fouls \ get nothing now-a-days«. 
If here you come— —by chance but once a-week, 
The pit cai> witnefs that you never fpeak r 
Fenfive at^ntion fits with decent njien j 
No paint, no naked ihoulders, to be feen !* 
And yet thk grave, this moral pious ^e. 
May learn one ufeful leiTon from the flage. 
Shun drife, ye Fair ^ and; once a conted oVr, 
V^ake to a blaze the dying flame no mor e 
From fierce debate, fly all the tender loves : 
And Venus cries, " Coachman, put to my dove*.** 
The genial bed no blooming Grace prepares, 
" And every day becomes a day of cares.'^ 


I " 1 


O R, 



]fy PArJtJ} OAMMiCJ^ 4f|b 

Dramatis Pzrsonje. 

Shr J9bm Trttky^ 

It B If. 

Mr. DodiL 
Mir. King. 

Mr. JL»>Mdlu 
Mr. Padbnt. 

W O ftf B If • 

Mrs. Kinfp. 
Mrs* Abinstoiu 
Mifs Piatt. 


Mr. Ward. 





Mrs WalcoC*^ 
Mrs. Spariw^ 
MrB.Mi]ls. ^ 

Writttcn by GEORGE COLEMAN, 

Spbkcn by Mr. KING. 

FASHION in evry tittng kearrjov* reign /way ^ 
AiA vMrds artd ptritoigs have loth their day s 
M'ach have their purlieus t09y are modijb eaeb 
Jh ftated tU/tri&tj wigs as tvell asj^eecb, 
7be Tyhumferatehf thick eluh, and Temple tie, 
Thfar/tn's/eiOhffr^f /ritts^d hrmtd and %A, 



Tie «M«ftiMii « tmmttflo^ner^ htak tUrt m Arr^ 
J)iffer Mt atorf/r0m imp mmd hrigmStrtt 
Tiam Grtml St. Gmr^t** w St. Jamu»f^% 
fnm tie ircad £aUa rf inad St. CUa* 

Wiat U bon toof^Ofr, dmmmr, trim m imd-^'^^ 
half (ihtni—'-aft au^ my diar^ mmdymi'rt m hei I 
Itoo ton*y f fwar^ irtak mmdrws^ imt At wOtk^ 
^ki ag» a fvmci^ drink ieakis^ mad roar a catti* 
Ketp U upy kt€p Hup I daame, tait jmar JmA^ i 
Bon too M life^ my icy ; ban ton*/ Aetih^i 

Ah I I laves life, and all tie jay* Hyield-^ 
Says Madam JFuJaci^ ^ttarmfram Sp k a lfieU t. 
B«i ton*i Ae^fiau 'tmnxt Saturday and Mmday^ 
Ji'ud ridsMg in a ake-^orje eiasr a* Suaday i 

^7is drimkb^ tea mjumaur aftermaetu j/ 

M Bs^migge- Wells, tuiti eitma asid gOf Jjmat t 
'tis iayiug iy amrjhfi, red elaaJb^ aad/attmt^ ^ 

Te damee eevMilloas all imJiUs and fattims. \ 

Fulgar r erUs Mjfs. Q^irva in iMer Ufi 
^ie/eaOer'dJpitfier^ and tirkefeaiitPd Hfife I 
Tie dui*s bon ton, Ben ton'/ a emfoM ttadt 
Of rout, /jfiSna, iaU^ ami mafquerade : 

*Tis pUns and fMet-Jiews s 'tts / mm thin g mewi ' 

^TisTefiig tiomfanA tv*ry nigit a* Lea s 

Nature it tiwarit^ and eaalraASs all rtafen ; / • 

*Tu fiffFrenebJay^ and fimt tnien md ^fi^l 
JL nfejnben ialf a gmsua it A« prke^ ^ 

A/et of iaysfearte iiggtr tkamjut miet i ** 

7* v^ friends yon never veefi tajm s .^ 

Marriage *tvnxt ti^e wi» never tan agree f "* 

Tits is bon ton, andtiis wt tall the worjd ! p . > 

• [Tme^/tjs asy Lardy and Hw^ my tody fim^ -^ 
Wiate*eryear/aulte^ne*erJinagaii^}icnLXM^\ ^Jj 
Wit tails fir Uarning ai a pnilie fdml^ ' ^^ ' ^ 

Andd^sfir Greei and Latm^ is a fid. 

freoA^ Frenci, my iefs tie tiingl jafisi ! /r««f^ daUertl r 

Trim he tie nmdt, mJ^t-Zyllaini tie matter f 
nraUWiea FreaAmaM\fir an Mngliji pegs 
Meves aative smiwstrdnefs vfiti ttve lefi legs. 
Of ceurtif firiesul/aip firm a treatiermu ledgutX 
Seduce asau daugiterSf wti iieir tvives intrigue f 
lnjigitlyjinumrtles round your naUs, ^ 

Mp your tetti tlea n ami grin, if fisaU talk fash ■■ > 

tBm aever las^, niobatever jef^ prevaUs : ^ 

Hetiing iat nonfenfe eW gave laugbter iirti t 
That vulgar tvay tie vulgar fiexv tbeir mlrti^ h 

Laugiier s a rude eonvulfion, feti/e tbatJuftUe^ . , 

Muris tie eoeiles, and difiorts tie m^tles. 
Htarts may be Uaei, but allfiould voear clean faces i 
Tit grm%s bey ! tie grates, graces, graces / 1 

•Tlic li|ie« between crotdiet» we omitted at thctheatrt. 


Such u bon ton I ami, vfoli thh ehy thrmtgh 
Jm 6uiUiiig,Jcri66litig,^ghtiag, and vertij 
And various etStrJtaftes *t<will rife U virip. 
To'Higbt our Bayesy 'witb hold, but cartUfs thits. 
Hits ojf ajteteh or t%vOy like Darlys prints. 
Should cofuioijfeurs ailovf his rtugb draughts ^rike em^ 
'Ttmli it bon ton to fee V« and to liJkc *em. 

A C T I. 

. Enter Lady Minikin ami Mifs Tittvp« 

Lady Minikin. 

It is' not, my dear, that I have the leaft regard for mf^ 
Lord \ I. had no lore, f6r him before I married him,^ and^ 
you know matrimony is no breeder of affedioa \ but it', 
hurts my pride that he (hould negle£t me and rua after ' 
other women. 

Mifs Tit. Ha, ha, ha ! How caa you be (b hypocri- 
tical, Lady Minikin, as to pretend to uneafinefs at fuch? 
trifles : But, pray, have you made any new difcoveries . 
of my lord*s gallantry ? 

La. Min. New difcoveries !-.why, I few him myfelfv 
yederday morning in a hackney coach with a minx in a. - 
pink cardinal \ you (hall abfolutely burn yours, Tittup, 
for I (hall never bear to fee one of that colour again. 

Mift Tit, Sure (he does not fufpe£l me. {^AfideT) And i 
where was your Ladylhip, pray, when you faw hiHi ? 

La. Min. Taking the air with Colonel Tivy in his 

Mifs Tit. But, my dear Lady Mnikin, how can yoa 
be fo angry that my lord was hurting your pride, as you 
call it, in the hackney-coach, when you had himfo much 
in your power in the vis-a-vis ? 

La Min. What, with my lord's friend, and my friend's . 
love^" ! {Takes her hy the band.) O fie. Tittup. 

Mifs Tit, Poo, poo ! Love and friendftiip are very 
fine names, to be fure, but they are mere viiiting acquain- 
tance ^ we know their names indeed, talk of Vm fome- 
times, and let 'em knock at our doors, but we never let 
'^em in^ you know, [Looking roguijhly at her. 


A3 L SON TON. 189 

Za, Min. I yow, Tittup, you are extremely polite. 

Mifs Tit. I am extremely indifferent in theie affairs^ 
thanks to my education.-— V^e muil marry, you know, 
bectu(e other people of fafhion marry j but I (hould think 
Tery meanly of myfel^ if, after I was married, I (hould 
fed the leaH concern at all about my hu/band. t 

La. Min* I hate to praife myfelf, and yet I may with 

^ truth aver, that no woman of quality ever had, can have, 

or will have, fo confummate a contempt for her lord, as 

\ I have for moft honourable and puiffant Earl of Mini«» 

lio, "V^count Periwinkle, and Baron Titmoufe— Ha, 

la, ha ! 

Mifs %'/. But is it not ftrange, lady Minikin, that 
merely his being your hufband fliould create fuch indif- 
ference ? for certainly, in every other eye, his Lordihip 
has great accomplifhments. 

La, Min, Accomplifhments ! thy head is certainly 
tornM 5 if you know any of 'em, pray let's have 'em j 
they are a novelty, and will amufe me. 

Mifs Tit, Imprimis y he is' a man of quality. 

La, Min. Which, to be fur^ includes all the cardinal 
virtues :-^poor girl ! go on. 

Mifs Tit, He is a very handfome inan. 

La, Min, He has a very bad conftitution* 

Mifs Tit, He has wit. 

La, Min, He is a lord, and a little goes a great way. 

Mifs Tit. He has great good-nature. 

La. Min, ^o wonder, he's a fool. 

Mifs Tit, And then his fortune, you'll allow—— 

La, Min, Was a great one — ^but he games ^ and, if 
{airly, he's undone \ if not, he deferves to be hang'd— - 
and fo, exit my lord Minikin— «And now, let your wife 
uncle and my good coufin Sir John Trotley, baronet, 
enter : Where is he, pray ? 

Mifs Tit. In his own room, I fuppofe, reading pamph-* 
lets and newfpapers againfl the enoripities of the times ^ 
if he flays here a week longer, notwithilanding my ex-« 
pef^atioDS from him, 1 fiiall certainly affront him* 

La. Min, I am a great favourite, but it is impoflible 
much longer to a6l up to his very righteous ideas of 
ilangs— ^Isa't it pleafant to hear him abufe every body, 

• and 

mnd every tliiii|^« and yet always finifliing witli«— You^U 
cxcufe me, coofin !•*— Ha, ka, ha ! 

M^s Tu. What do you tjiink the Goth faid to me 
yefterday ? One of the knots of his tie hanging down hit 
left ihoulder, and his fringM cravat nicely twilled dowv 
his breaft and thruft thro' his gold button-hole, whick 
lookM exadly like my little Barbet^s head in his goU; 
collar:—*' Niece Tittup, ("cries he, drawing himfelf up' 
'' I proteR againft this manner of conducing you 
^ both at home and abroad/*«^What are your obj 
tions. Sir John, anfwere_d I, a little pertly ?— '' Vi 
'* and manifold (replied he)^ I have no time to en 
^ rate particulars now \ but I will venture to proph 
'^ if you keep whirling round in the vortex of panth 
'^ operas, feftinos* coteries, mafquerades, and all the 
^ vilades in this town, your head will be giddy, d 
^ you will fall, lofe the name of Lucretia, and be callV 
'< nothing but Tittup ever after«-Yoii11 excufe me, ca»» ' 
u fin !'•_ And fo he left me. 

La* Hin. O the barbarian ! 

Enter Gprinp» 

GyMp. A card, your ladyfhip, firom MrSk PeWitK 

La. Min. Poor Pewitt ! — If flie can be but feen i i 
public places with a woman of quality, ihe's the happkft \ 
of plebeians. {Reads the cardk 'I 

'< Mrs. Pewitt's refpeds to Lady Misikin and}Mifs Tft- \ 
** tup ', hopes to have the pleafure of attending them to 
** Lady Fillagiee^s ball this evening. ^^Lady Daify fees 
** malks."— We'll certainly attend hen— Gymp, put 
fome melTage cards upon my toilet, lUl (end an anfwer 
immediately ^ and tell one of my footmen, that he muft 
make fome vifits for me to-day again, and fend me a lift 
of thofe he made yed^day : he mull be fure to call at 
lady Pettitoes *, and if (he (hould unluckily be at home, 
he mud fay that he came to inquire after her fprain'd 

Mi/s Tit. Ay, ay, give our compliments to her fpraioM 

La. Min That woman'^ fo fat, (he'll never get well 
of it ; and I am refolvM not to call at her door myfelf, 
till I am fure of not finding her at home..—! am horrid^ . 
ly low-fpiritcd to-day j do, fend your Cdoncl tfi play at 



4S L mefl un Ason stilts. i $r 

c]ie& witli me. $inc€ he belong^ to you. Titty, I have 
ttken a kind of liking to hixn ^ I like everj thio|r that 
loves my Titty* [J^iffis her. 

Mjfi Thn I kaow you dd^ my dear Lady. 

\Ktffes bef» 
La. Mm. Thut fnee r I doa*t like j if (he fufpeds, I 
ilnll hate her. (4«^^.)~Well, dear Titty, Pll go and 
fRite my cards, and drefs for the mafquerade ^ and if that 
won't raife my fpirits, you muft afiiil me to plague my 
Lord a little. [ExU. 

Mifo 7ii. Yes \ and 111 plague my Lady a little, or t 
tm milch miftaken : my Lord (hall know every title that 
lias pafied. What a poor, blind, half-witted, felf-con- 
cdted creature, this dear friend and relation of mine is ! 
Aad what a fine fpirited gallant foldier my Colonel is ! 
My Uidy Jdin^kin likes him, he likes my fortune : my 
Lord likes me, and I like my Lord \ howerer, not fo 
much as he imagines, or to play the fool fo raihly as he 
iBiy expefi \ (he muft be very filly indeed, who can't flut* 
ter about the flame without burning her wings.— What 
a great revolution in this family in the fpace of fifteen 
months !.-i.We went out of England a very aukward, re- 
gular, good £ngli(h family ! but half a year in France, 
and a winter psdOfed in the warmer climate of Italy^have 
x^n'd our minds to every refinement of eafe, diffipa« 
tioil, and pleafure. 

Enter Colonel Tivy. 
CoL Ttvy. May I hope. Madam, that your humble 
ferVant had fome (hare in your laft reverie ? * • , 

Mifs Tii. How 13 it pomble to have the leaft know- 
ledge of Colonel Tivy, and not make him the principal 
objedt of one^s refle£iions, 

CoL Tivy, That man muft have very little feeling and 
tafte who is not proud to have a place in the thoughts of 
the fineft woman in Europe. 

Mifs Tit. O ^t. Colonel \ ICurtfys and blufh^f. 

CoL Tivj,^ By my hom>ur, Maiuuni I mean what' I 

Mtft Tit, By your honour. Colonel !_ Why will you 
pafs off your counters to me ? Den't I know that you 
fine gentlemen regard no honour but that which is givcit 

3 at 


•-< » 

X92 - BON TON ^ OR, ^^I^ 

at the gaming-table, and whicli indeed ought to be the 
only honour you (houM make ^pee with* 

C§L Tryy. How can you, Mifs, treat me fo cruelly I , 
Have I not abiblutely forfworn dice, millfcfs, every 
thing, fince I darM to offer n^felf to you } 

M^s 7z/. Yes, Colonel j and when I dare to receive 
you, you may return to every thing again, and not vio* 
late the laws of the prefent happy matrimonial eftabliili* 

CoL 7wy. Give me but your confent, Madam, and 
your life to cOm e ^ ■ ' 

Mifs Til. Do you get my confent, Coloneli and I'll 
take care of my life to come. 

Co/. Twy. How ftiall I get your confent ? 

Mifs Tit. By getting me in the humour* 

Col. Tivy. But how to get you in the humour ? 

Mifs Tit. O, there are ieveral wayis \ I am v€ry good<» 

Col. Tivy^ Are you in the humour row ? 

Mifs Tit. Try me. 

CqI. Tivy. How (hall I > 

Mifs Tit. How (hall 1 !^You a foldicr, and not knotr 
the art miKtarj ?— How fhall I !-^IUl tell you how ;— * 
Wheii ^ou have a fubtle, treacherous, politic enea&y to 
deal with, never dand ihiUy ihally, and lofe your time in 
treaties and parleys, but cock your hat, draw your fword^ 
—march, beat drum— dub, dub, a dub — ^prefent, fire» 
piff-pauff— ''tis done !— they fly, they yield* — Vi6loria ! 
viSoria ! ■ ■ [Running ojf. 

^ CqL Thy. Stay, (lay, my dear, dear angel ! 

[Bringing her hack. 

Mifs Tit. No, no, no, I have no time to be kill'd 
now : beikies, lady Minikin is in the vapours, and wants 
you at chefs ^ and my Lord is low-fpirited, and wants mt 
at picquet : my. uncle is in an ill-humour, and wants me 
to difcard you, and 6:0 with him into the country. 

Col. Tivy. And you, Mifs ? 

Mifs Tit. Will I ! — No, I never do as I am bid \ but 
you ought— fo go to my Lady* 

CoL Tivy. NsLjy but Mifs. 

Mi/s Tit, Nay, but Colonel, If you wpn't obey your 

commanding officer, you (hall be broke, and then nty maid 

.1 , ^ won^t 


JS /. BIDS U#I i^Vl tTAIiS. I9I 

Woo't accept of you \ fo xnarcll| G)lonel— Hook'et, Sir. 

1 will command before marriage, and do what I pleaie 

afterwards, or I haire been well educated to verj little 

l^urpofe. [£«//• 

CoJ. Troy. What a niad devil it is !-^Now, if I had the 

Ifail affe6tion for the girl, I (hould be damnably vex M at 

this !— ^But (he has a fine fortune ', and 1 mud have her 

if I can — Tol, lol, lol, &c. lExiiJimging. 

Enter Sir John Trotlcy dnd Davy. 

Sk- J&hft, Hold your tongue, Davy 5 you talk like a 


Davy. It is a fine place, your honour, and I could live 
here for ever* 

5ar John, More ifiame for you— ^ive here for ever t- 

-^-^What, among thieves and pickpockets !»-What .A 

revolution fince my time ! the more I fee, the more I've 

-caafe lor lamentation. What a dreadful chang#has-ti'me 

•brought about in twenty years! I (hould not have known 

the place again, nor the people ^ all the fi^ns that made 

£) noble an appearance, are all taken down«— Not a bob 

or tie wig to be feen ! All the degrees, fr^m the parade 

in St. James's Park to the ftool and bm(h at the corner 

of every ftreet, have their hair tied up — ^the mafbn lay« 

. ing bricks, the baker with his baiket, the poft»boy cry* 

isg newfpapers, and the dofiors prefcribingphyfic, have 

all their hair tied up ; and that's the reafon fo many 

heads are tied up every month* 

Davy. I fhall have my head tied up to morrows-Mr* 
Wifp will do it for me ■ ' y our honour and I look like 
Philiftines among 'em» 

Sir John. And I (hall break your head If it Is tied 
Vip ', I hate innovation-— A U confufion, and no diftinc- 
tion I ■ ' T he ftreets now are a^ fmooth as a turnpike- 
road : no rattling and ezercife in the hackney-coaches 1 
thofe who ride tn 'em are all fail aflcep y and they hava 
firings in theii hands that the coachman muft pull t^ 
^vaken 'em when they are to be fetdown — ^What luxury 
and abconination ! 

Davy. Is it fo, yout honour ? *feckihs, 1 lik'd it 

- Sir John. But you muft hate atid deteil London. 
Davy. How can X manage that, your honour, when 
Vot. IV* X «hc^» 

there is every thing to delight my eye, andcherifli my 
heart ? 

Szr Johru 'Tis all deceit and dclufion. • 

Davy, Such crowding, coaching, carting, and fqueez- 
lag^ I'uch a power of fine fights, fine (hops full of fine 
things ^ and then fuch fine illuminations all of a row ! 
and fuch fine dainty ladies in the ftreets, fp civil and Co 
gracelefs — they talk of country girls, thefe here look 
more healthy, and rofy by half* 

Sir John, Sirrah, they are proflitutes ^ and are civil 
to delude and deftroy you : they are painted Jezebels ; 
and they who hearken to ^em, like Jezebel of old, will 
go to the dogs : if you dare to look at 'em, you will be 
tainted } and if you fpeak to Vm, you are undone. 

Davy, Blefs us, blefs us ! How does your honour 
know all this ? Were they as b%d in your time f 

Sir J^hn, Not by half, Davy— —In my time, there 
was a fort of decency in the worft of women— but the 
harlots now watch like tigers for their prey, and drag 
you to their dens of infamy— See, Davy, how they have 
torn my neckcloth. [Shews bis neckcloths 

Davy. If you had gone civilly, your honous, they 
wouM not have hurt you. 

Sir John^ Well, we'll get away as fail as we can. 

Davy. Not this month, 1 hope ) for 1 have not had half 
^y bellyful yet. 

Sir John, I'll knock you down, Davy, if you grow 
profligate: you (han't go out again to«night^ and to* 
morrow keep in my room, and (tay till I can look over 
my things j and fee they don't cheat you. 

Davy, Your honour then won^t keep your word with 
me? - ISuikily, 

Sir John, Why, what did I promife you ? 

Davy, That I (hould take fixpen'oth of one~ of the 
theatres to-night, and a (hilling-place at the_ other to- 

Sir John, Well, well, fo I did) Is it a moral piece, 
Davie ? 

Davy, O yes, and written by a clergyman ; it is called 
^he Rival Canaanites, or the Tragedy of £ragadocia« 

ifir ^ohn* Be a jg;oodlad| and I won't be worfe than my 


AS /• mSA riFS A£OVX STAIRll. Ip5 

^orcl \ there's money for you— (GiWx himftne?\ But 
come ilraiglit heme \ for I (hall want to go to bed. 

Davy» To be fure, your honour.*-As I am to go To 
4bon, l^^ll make a night of \U l^Ajide^ an^txit. 

Sir John. This fellow wouM torn rake aad maccaroni 
if he was^o ftay here a week longer— —Blcfs me, what 
tiangers are in this totfvn at every (lep! O that I were 
once fettled fafe again at Trotlcy Place I— Nothing 
hut to fare my country (houM bring me back again • My 
niece Lucretia is fo be-fa(hio«ed and bedevird, that 
nothing, 1 fear, can fave her : however, to eafe my con- 
icience, I mull try. But what can be expe£led from tlie 
young women of thefe times, but fallow looks, wild 
fchemes, fancy words, and loofe morals !-»-They lie a- 
hed all day, (it up all night : if they are filent, they are 
"gaming ^ and if they talk, His either fcandal or infide- 
lity ; and that they may look what they are, their heads 
are all feather, and round their necks are twifled rattle* 
fnake tippets — tempora J mares ! 

Lord Minikin dijcvoeredin his powdering gowfiy with 

Jefiamy and Mignon. 

Z. Min. Prithee, Mignon, donH plague me any more \ 
4o(l thou think that a nobleman's head has nothing to do 
hut to be torturM all day under thy infernal fingers > 
Give me my cloaths. 

Mig, Ven you lofs your monee, my Lor, you no goot 
humouT \ the devil may drefs your cheveu for me ! 


L, Min. That fellow's an impudent rafcal ; but ke'^s a 
genius \ -ib I mud bear with him. Our beef and pud- 
ding enriches their blood fo much, that the (laves in a 
month forget their mifety and foup-maigre— — O my 
head I — A chair, Jeflamy ! — I muft abfolutely change 
my wine-merchant : I canH tafte his champaign with- 
out difordering myfclf for a week ! — Keigho I— {SighSm 

Enter Mifs Tittup.J 

Mifs Tit, What makes you figh, my Lord ? 

X, Min. Becaufe you were fo near me, child, 

Mifs Tit, Indeed ! I (hould rather have thought my 
Lady had been with you — By your looks, my Lord, I 
am afraid fortune jilted you lafl night ? 

lu MiM, No^ faith ^ our champaign Mtas not gqpd 

I Z yefterday, ■ 

1^5 iOM TON ; oK, JBk 1. 

yeflerday, andfl am yapour'd like our £ngli0r Novem- 
ber ; btrt one glance of my Tittup can difpel Tapoiirft 

Mi/s Tit. Like fbmething very fine, to be fare ; but 

pray ktep your fmilc for the lieat time— -and hark'ce— 

a little prudence will not be amifs } Mr. JeiTamy will 

-think you mad, and me worfe. {Half a fide. 

Jef, O, pray don't mind me, Madam. 

Z. Min, Gadfoy Jeflamy, look out my domino, and 
1^11 ring the bell whfcn I wai}t you. 

Jef, I ihall, my Lord— Mifs tbinks that every body 
is blind in the houfe but herfelf. {^^^fide and eidt. 

Mifs Tit. Upon my word> my Lord, we mufl be a 
little more prudent, or we (hall become the town-talk. 

Z. Mift, And {o I will, my dear ^ and theaefore, to 
prevent furprife, I'll lock the door. [Locks u» 

Mifs Tit. What do you mean, tny Lord > 

L. Min. Prudence, child, prudence) I keep all mj 
jewels under lock and key. 

Mifs Tit. You are not in poiTeflion, yet my Lord ; I 
can't flay two minutes \ I only came to tell you that 
Lady Minikin faw us yellerday m the hackney-coach ; 
ihe did not know me, I believe; ihe pretends to be 
greatly uneafy at your negle^ of her ^ (he certainly has 
lome mifchief in her head. 

L. Min. No intentions, I hope, of being fond of me ? 

Mifs Tit. No, no j make yourfelf eafy ^ ike hates you 
moil unalterably. 

L. Min. You have given me fpirits again. 

Mifs Tit. Her pride is alarmed, thait you ihould prefct 
any of the fesr to her. 

L. Min. Her pride, then, has been alarmed ever fince 
I had the honour of knowing her. 

Mifs Tit^ But, dear, my Lord, let us be merry and 
wife: (hould (he ever be ccmvinc'd that we have a r^xr^r^ 
for each other, (he certainly would proclaim it ^ and 

L. Min. We (houM be envy'd^ and we (hou'd be 
' laugh 'd at, my fweet coufin. 

Mifs Tit. Nay, I would have her mortify'd too-^r 

. though I love her Ladyfhip (incerely, I cannot fay but I 

love, a little mifchief as fincecely> but then^ if my uncle 


Ash Bi^ UFC Asevfi ttAinf . 197 

Trolley (houM know of our affair, he is fo old«&flitoiiM« 
pradiih, and out of-the-waj, he wouM either ftrike mc^ 
out of his will, or infift upon my quitting the houfe* 

Z. Min, My good coufin is a queer mental \ that*f 
certain ! I wifli we.could get him handfomely into the 
country again H e has a fine fortune to leave behind 
him— ^ 

Mifs Tit, But then he lives fo regularly, and never 
makes ufe of a phyfician, that he WMj live thefe twenty 

L* Mitt. What can we do with the barbarian ? 

Mi/s Tit. I don^t know what^t the matter with m<N 
but I am really in £ear of 'him \ I fuppofe^ rea4ing his 
formal books when I was in the country with him, and 
going fo conftantly to church, with my elbows ftuck to 
my hips, and my toesturnMin, has given me thefe fooliih 

X. Mi/u Then you muft affront him, or joull never 
get the better of him« 

[Kmockimg tu ibt door. 

Sir John* {witbcmt.) My Lord, my Lord, axe you biify t 

lib Lor J loch the ioorfrfi/j^ 

Wfs Til. Heavens ! His that dcteftable brute, ay 
uncle ! 

Z. Mitt. That horrid d^^, my confin ! 

JUi/} Tit. What (haU we do^ my Lord ? ISo/tfy. 

Sir Join, {at tho door;) Nay, my Lord, my Lord, I 
heard you ^ pray, let me fpeak with you. 

Z. Min. Ho, Sir John, is it you ? I beg your pardon 5 . 
Pll put up my papers and open the door* 

Mifs Tit. Stay, ftay, my Lord, I would not meet him 
now for the world s if ^^ ^ces me here alone with you, 
be^U rave like a madman: put me up the chimney ^ any 

Z. Mitt, (jtloud.) I'm coming, Sir John ! here, here, 
get behind my great chair ^ he (han*t fee you, and yon 
'may hear all : 1*11 be Oiort and pleafant with him* 

[Fuis her behind the chair , and opens the door^ 
Enter Sir John, 
\During tbisfcene, my Lord turns the chair^ as Sir 
John moves ^ to conceal Tittup. 

Sir John. You^ll ejLCufe nie, my Lord,^ that I have 

1 3 hrokca 

198 BO^ TON ; OR, jt^ Jl 

broken in upon you ? I heard you. talking pretty loud : 
w4iat, have you aobody with you- ? what were you about, 
couiin ? \L&ohing about^ 

L, Min^ A particular affair, Sir John 5 I always lock 
luyfelf up to ftudy my fpecches, and fpeak 'cm aloud for 
the fake of the tone and action— 

Sir John, Ay, ay, 'tis the bcft way ; I am (brry I df» 
ihirb'd you j— you'll excufc me, couiin-. 

Z. Min, I zm rather oblig'd to you, Sir John :— in* 
teafe application to thefe things ruins my health > but 
one mull do it for the fake of the nation. 

Hir yobn. May be fo ; and I hope the nation will be 
the better for't — ^You'll iexcufe me. 

X. Mm. £xcufe you, Sir John ! I lofc you* frank- 
ncfs J but why won't you be franker ftmj we have 
always fomething for dinner, and ycHt' WL^ never. dine 
at home. 

Sir John, You muft know, my Xord, that I fove to 
know what I eat— I hate to travel where I don't know^ 
my way ; andiince youh^ve brought in foreigil fafhions 
and figaries, every thing and every body arc in mafque- 
rade *, your men and manneFS, too, are as much fritter 'd 
and frieafee'd as your beef and mutt^an : I love a plain 
4ifh, my Lord. 

Mi/s Tit, {p^fptfg*^ I wtih I was out of the room, or 
he at the bottom of the Thames. 

Sir John,- But to the point — I came, my Lord, to 
open my mind to you about my niece Tittup \ ihall £ 
do it freely ! 

Mifs Tit, Now for it. 

Z. Min. The freer the better 5 Tittup's a fine girV 
ceufin, and deferves all the kindnefs you can (hew her.. 
[Lord Minikin a/iii Tittup make Jigm at each other ^ 
Sir John, She mud defer ve it, though, before (he (hall 
have it ; and 1 would have her begin with lengthening 
lier petticoats, covering her (boulders, and wearing her 
cap upon her head. 

3!fz/} T//. O. frightful ! Ijijide. 

Z. Min. Don't you think a taper leg, and falling (boul- 
ders, and fine hair, deHghtful obje6is. Sir John I 

Sir John. And therefore ought to be conceal'dj 'tis 
tKeix interefi tp conceal 'ea ) when you take from men 



the pleafuie of Imagination, tkere will- be a fearcity. o^ 
hufbands ; — and then taper legs, falling {hoalders, and 
fine hair may be had for nothing. 

L, Min. Well faid, Sir John ! ha, ha !<— Your niece 
ihali wear a horferoan^s coat and jaek-boots, to pleafe 

Sir Jobn^ You may fneer, my Lord; but for all that, 
I think mj niece in a bad way. She muft leave me and 
the country, forfootb, to travel and fee good company 
and fafhions ! I have feen *em too, and wi(h from my 
heart that (he is not much the wqrfe for her jouxney—* 
YouUl excufe me I 

JL* Mm. But why In a pafliony Sir John ^ 

[My Lord nodt and laughs at Mils Tittup, vAo 
peeps from behind. 
DonH you think that my Lady aiul I (hall be able and 
willing to put her into the right road ? 
' Sur John. Zounds \ my Lord,, you are out of it your- 
felf : this comes of your travelling : all the town knows* 
how jou and my Lady live together; and 'I moA tell 
you-^-youMl excufe me !-— >that my niece fuffers by the 
bargain ; prudence, my Lord, is a very fine thing. 

Z. Min. So is a long neckcloth nicely twided into at 
button^hole ^ but I don^t choofe to weax one-^You^ll 
ezcufe me ^ 

Sir John. I with that he who firft changM long neck* 
cloths for fuch things as you wear, had the wearing of 
a twilled neckcloth th^t I wou'd give him. 

Z. Min, Pry 'thee, baronet, donH be fo horridly out 
of the way ; prudence is a very vulgar viitue, and fo in- 
compatible with our prefent eafe and refinement, that si 
prudent man of falhion is now as great a miracle as a 
pale woman of quality^ we got rid of our matruais honte 
at the time that we imported our neighbour's rouge and 
their morals* 

Sir John. Did you ever hear the like ? I am not fur- 
prized, my Lord, that you think fo lightly and talk fi> 
Vainly, who are fo polite a hufband ; your lady, my cou- 
fin, is a fine woman, and brought you a fine fortune, and 
deferves better ufage. 

Z. Min. Will you have her, Sir Joha ? (he Is very 
much at your fervice. 

I 4 Sw 

aeo BON T019 } OR, ' .^ /. 

Sir Johft. Profligate !— What did you marry her fbr> 
My Lord ? / 

Z, Min. Convenience I^P-Mamage is not new-a-day« 
ah affair of inclination, but convenience ; and they wlio 
marry for love, and fuch old-fa(hioned fluff, are to me aft 
ridiculous as thofe that advertife for an agreeable com- 
panion in a poft-chaife. 

Sir John. I have done, my Lord ; Mifs Tittup (hall 
either return with me into the country, or not a pennjr 
ihall fhe have from Sir Jc^n Trotley, baronet* 

[Wbiftks^ and walks abouU 

Mifs Tit. I am frightened out of my witt ! 

[Lord Minikin ^ng^s and fits daitnu 

Sir John. Pray, my Lord, what hufbafid is this you 
have got for her ? 

Z. Min, A friend of mine \ a man of wit, and a find 

Sir John. May be' fo ; and yet make a damnM huf- 
band for all that* — YouHl excufe me !— What eQate 
has he,, pray ? * "^ 

Z, jdin, He^s a colonel : his elder brother. Sir Taa 
Tivy, will certainly break his neck, and then my friend 
will be a happy man. 

Sir John. Here's morals !*^A happy man when h!s 
brother has broke his neck !— a happy man-— Bfercy oi^ 

me ! 

Z. Min. Why, he^l have fix thoufand a-ycar, Sii 

Sir John. I don't i:are what he'll have, nor I dcm't 
care what he is, nor who my niece marries ^ {he is a find 
lady, and let her hav^ a fine gentleman \ I fiian't hinder 
her : Til away into the country to-morrow, and leave 
you to your fine doings \ I have bo relifii for 'em, not I ) 
I can'tlive among you, nor eat with you, nor game with 
you; I hate cards and dice ; I will neither rob nor be 
Tobb'd ^ I am contented with what I have, and am very 
kappy, my Lord, though my brother has not broke his 
neck.— You'll excufe me ! [£*tlf. 

Z. Min. Ha, ha-, ha ! Come^ fox, come out of your 
hole ! Ha, ha, ha ! 

Miff .Tit. Indeed, my Lord, you have undone mej 
not a foot ijball I have of T;rotley Manor, that's pofitive ; 


M I . moM U9Z AfOVt tfJMi^ lot 

—But no matter, there's no danger of his breaking his 
neck, £o 111 eVn make mjttM happy nith wfaat^ I haTC, 
and behave to him for the futnre as if he was a poor re-» 

£. Mm. {kneeling fmaubit^ her banJ^ and ktffimg tt.} 
I mud kneel and adore you lor your ipirit > Ay fweety 
heavenly Lucrctia! 

Re-enter Sir John« 

Sir John, One thing I had forgot* [Siartu 

Mifi Tit. Ha ! he*s here again. 

Sir John. Why, what the devil i-^eiffhho ! my niece 
Lucretta, and my virtuous Lord, ftudymg (peeches for 
the good of the hfttion !-^Yes, yes, yoiihavebetn mak- 
ing fine fpeeches, indeed^ my Lord } and your argu- 
ments have prevailed, I fee. I beg ydur pardon ! I did. 
not mean to interupt your ftudies , ■ Y oull eiLCuIe me^ 
my Lord ! 

Z. Min, {finUiig and mocking iim»y Youll excofe me^^ 
Sir John ! 

Sir John. Q yes, my Lord ^ but Pm afraid the devil 
if<iitk\ excufe you at the proper time— — Mifs Lucretia, 
how do you, child ? You are to be married foon-— I wifK 
the gentleman jo^, Mifs Lucretia ) he is a happy man, 
to be forcy and will want nothing but the breaking of 
his brother's neck to be completely fo« 

Mifs Tit* Upon my^wordy unclci you are always pQt< 
ting bad conftrudions upon things j my Lord has been, 
folicitsng me to marry his friends—and having that mo- 
ment extorted a confent from me, he was thanking and 
wifliing me joy— in his fooliih manner* [Hefitating. 

Sir J&kn* Is that all i But how came you here, childL^ 
•*-did you fly down the chimney, or in at the window ? 
for I don't remember feeing you when I was here be- 

Mifr Tit, How can you talk ib, Sir John ? ■■ Y ou 
realy confound me with your fufpicions : and then you 
aik fo many queftlons, and I have fo many things to do, 
tha t t hat >■■ p pon my word, if I don't make hafle^ 
I (han't get my drefs ready for the ball 5 fo I mud ruo« 
——You'll excufe me, uncle f [£«> runningm 

Sir John^ A fine hopeful young lady that, my Lord I 

X. min. She's v^eU«bred,and has wit. 

I^ I Sir 

2Q2 . BOH TON } 09L, AB tw^ 

Sir John, She has wit and breeding enough to laugh, 
at her relations^ and beftow favours on your LordQiip : 
but I mud tell you plainly^ my Loid-^-you'll excufe me 
that your marrying your Lady, my couiio, to uf« 
her ill \ and fending for my nkce, your cou^, to de«- 
bauch her 

Z. Min» You'te warm, Sir John, and don't know the 
world, and I never contend with ignorance and paflion ^ 
live with me fome time, and you'll be fatidfied of my ho- 
nour and good intentions to you aud your family \ in the 
meau time command my houfe. I muft attend inHne- 
diately Lady Filligree's mafquerade \, and I am forty yoit 
won't make one with us. Here, Jeilamy, give me my do- 
mino, and call a chair ; and don't let my uncle want for 
any thing. You'll excuCe me,. Sir John ^ tol, lol, derol, 

&c. i^^y [fi^gi^g.*^ 

Sir John. The world's at an end ! Here's fine work, 
Jbere are precious doings ! This lord is a pillar of the 
Hate too y no wonder that the building is in danger with 
iuch rotten fupporters ! Heighho ! — And then my poor 
Lady Minikiu, what a friend and hufband (he is blefsM 
with ! — Let me confider :— Shou'd I tell the good wo- 
man of thefe pranks, 1 may only make more miichiei^ 
and mayhap go near to kill her ^ for (he's as tender as 
fhe*s virtuous. — Poor lady! I'll e'en go and comfort her 
diTcBly y endeavour to draw her from the wickedneis of 
this town into the country, where we (hall have readings 
fowling, and fifhlng, to keep up her fpirits 3 and when I 
die, I will leave her that part of my fortune with which 
I intended to reward the virtues of Mifs Lucretia Tits- 
tup, with a plague to her ! [£xi/.. 

Lady Minikiu'j*. jfpartwents. 
Lady Minikin and Colonel Tivy di/covercd^ 
Lom Min. Don't urge it. Colonel j I can't think of 
coming home from the mafquerade this e^i^ning \ tho' I 
fiiou'd pafs for my niece, it wou'd make an uproar among 
the fervants, and perhaps from the miflake break off^. 
your match with Tittup- 
Co/. T«y. My dear Lady. Minikin, you know my maiw 
ziage with your i>iece is only a fecondary coniideration^ 
vij firil. and principal obje£l is you-*you. Madam ! 
Therefore^ my dear Lady, giv£ me your promilie. to leave 


the ball with ne \ you inuft» Lady Minikin : a bold youn^ 
- fellow and a foldier as I am, ought not to be kept fron 
plunder when the town has caoitulated. 

La, Min. But it has not capitulated, and perhaps ne- 
ver will 'y however, Colonel, fince you are lo furious, I 
muil come to terms, I think— >Keep your eyes upon mc 
at the ball, I think I may expe^ th«t \ and when 1 drop 
my handkerchief, ^tis your iignal for purfuing \ I (hall 
get home as faft as I can, you may follow me as faft a» 
you can ;. my Lord and Tittup will be otherwife em- 
ploy M : Gymp will let us in the back way-— No^ Do^. 
my heart mifgives me I 
. CoL TVi^y Then I am miferable ! 

La, Min» Naj, rather than you fhould be miferablcy 

. Colonel, I will indulge your martial fpirit : Meet me in 

fbe field ; there*« my gauntlet. [Throw fJown her glove, 

CoL Twy, (Jei%ing u,) Thus I accept your fweet 

challenge ^ and if I fail you, may I hereaftei, both in 

lore and war, be branded with the name of coward. 

% [Kme/i^ and kiffes her band*. 

Enter Sir John, opening the door. 
Sir John, May I ptefume, couiin. ? 
La. Min. Ha«! [^Squal/e,. 

Sir John* Mercy upon us^ what art we at now ! 

[^Looh qftonijhed. 
La, Min, How can you be fo rude, Sir John, to com^ 
into a l^dy^s room without £rft knocking at the door } 
jrouhavefrightenM me out of my wits I 

Sir John, I am fure yoa have frlghtenM me out of 
mine ! 

Ccl, Tioy.*, Such-rudeners-deferves death !' 
Sir John, Death indeed! for I^fhall never recover my- 
felf again ! All pigs of the fame Rye !. All iludying for 
the good of the nation*! 

La, Min* We. muli foothe him, and not provoke him. 

{Half ajide to the Goionel. 
Col, troyj. I wou^dcut his throat if you'd permit me. 

{^AJide to Lady Minikin. 
^r John, The devil has got his hoof into the houfe, 
and has corrupted the whole family \ V\\ get out of it. 
as £afl as I can, left he fhould lay hold of me. too. 

I 6y La, 

La. Min. Sir John, I mud infill upon your not goin^ 
away in a miftake. 

Sir John. No miiiake, my Lady } I am tfaorongblj^ 
convinced Mercy on me ! 

La. Mm^ I muft beg you, Sir John, not to make tny 
-wrong con(lru6lions upon this accident 5 you muil know, 
that the moment you was at the door— -I had prpmisM 
the Colonel no longer to be his enemy in his defigns up- 
on Mifs Tittup— This threw him into fuch a rapture- 
that upon my promifing my interefl with you**and wi(h- 
ing him joy - ■ he fell upon his knees, and'^^an d ■ 
{Jaugbing,) Ha, ha, ha! 

CoL Tivy, Ha, ha, ha ! Yes, yes, I feH upon my 
knees, an d and ■ 

Sir John, Ay, ay, fell upon your knees, and-— aud-^ 
Ha, ha ! a very good joke, faith \ and the beft of if^^ 
that they are wifhing joy all over the houfe upon the 
fame occaiion ; and my Lord is wiihing joy ^ and I wifh 
him joy, and you, with all my heart. 

La. Mitt. Upon my word, Sir John, your crual iulpi- 
cions affedl me flrongly ^ and though my refentment is 
curbed by my regard, my tears cannot be reftrainM ^ *tis 
the only refource my innocence has left. \^Exii crying. 

Col. Troy. 1 r»verence you, Sir, as a relation to that 
lady \ but as her flanderer, I deteft you : her tears muft be 
dried, and my honour fatisfied \ you know what I mean ^ 
take yotur choice ^— time, place, fword, <or piilol \ confi- 
der it calmly, and determine as you pleaic. I am a fol- 
dier, Sir John. \Kxit* 

Sir Jobn^ Very fine, truly ! and fo between the cre- 
codile and the bully, my throat is to be rut ! They are 
guilty of all fort of infquity^ and when they are dilco- 
verM, no humility and repentance ; the ladies have re- 
fource to their tongues or their tears, and the gallants 
to their fwords . That I may not be drawn in by the 
one, or drawn upon by the other, VVL hurry into the ' 
country while I retain my fenfcs and can ileep in a 
. whole ikin« [Kxitp 


MIL noa tivM iiovi staies. 905v 


£ji/^ Sir JoBN and Jissamt. 
Sir John. 

Thikb i% no bearing this ! What a land are we in ! 
Upon my word, Mr. Jeffamy, jou fhould look well to 
the houfe, there are certainly rogues about it : fi>r I 
did but crofs the way juft now to the pamphlet«ikop, 
to buy A Touch of toe Tvneff and they have taken my 
hanger from my fide ^ ay, and had a pluck at my watch 
too; but I heard of their tricks, and had it few'd to my 
pocket. V 

y^* Don^t be alarmed, Sir John ^ His a very oom- 
moQ thing ; and if you will walk the flreett without 
coQvoy, Tou will be pick'd up by privateers of all kinds :. 
Ha, ha f 

Sir John, Not be alarmM when I am robb'd !— ^Why, 
diey might have cut my throat with my own hanger ; I 
iba*nH fleep a wink all night ) fo pray lend me ibme wct« 
pon of defence ; for I am fure if they attack me in th^ 
open dreet, they ^11 be with me at night again* 

Je/1 PU lend you my own fword, Sir John ; but He 
affurM there^s no danger : there^s robbing and murder 
cryM every night under my window, but it no more dif- 
turbs me than the ticking of my watch at my bed'a 

Sir John. Well, Well, be that as it will, I mnft be up* 
on my guard* What a dreadful place this is ! But Ws a}! 
owing to the corruption of the times : the great folkft 
game, and poor folks rob, no wonder that murder en- 
fues 'f fad, fad, fad !— -Well^ let me but get over this 
night, and I'll leave this den of thieves to-morrow. 
How long will your lord and lady flay at this mafking 
and mummery before they come home ? 

Je/l ^Tis impoflible to fay the time, Sir; that merely 
depends upon the fpirit of the company and the nature 
of the entertainment : for my own part, I generally make 
^t mvfdlf till four -or five in the morning. 

Str John* Why, what the devil, do you make one at 
tbefe maiqueradings I 

Jef. I feldom mifs, Sir ; I may venture to fay, that 


2C6 ^<Mr TOM ( OHy. • .Jt£t U^ 

nobody knows the trim and fmall talk of the place bet- 
ter than Ido; I was always reckoa*d an iacompiM'abie 

Sir John. Thou art an incomparable coxcomb, I an& 
fure. {^^t^fide^ 

Jef. An odd ridiculous accident happened to me at ^ 
tnafquerade three years ago \ I was in tip-top fpirits^ and 
had drank a little too freely of the Chaxnpaigne, I be- 

Sir John, Yonni be hangM, 1 beHeve* ^ l^fiJ^* 

Jef. Wit flew about 5 in fhort, I w<is in Q)irira. At 
lait, from drinking and rattling, to vary the pleaAire we 
went to dancing ; and who do you think I danced a mi- 
nuet with I he, he ! pray guefs, Sir John ? 

Sir John. DancM.a minuet with ! {HalfqfiA* 

Jef., My own lady, that's all : the eyes of the whole 
afiembly were upon ns 5 my Lady dances well, and I be- 
lievie I am ptetty tolerable : after the dance, I was rus- 
tling into a little coquetry and fmall talk with her. 

Sir Jobn^ With your lady ? — Chaos is come again! 


Jef. With my lady — but upon my turning my hand 
thus— (ro«rw/^<//^) egad, (he caught me j whifper'd me 
who I was. i wouM fain have PaughM ber outpf it, but 
it wou'd not do.— No, no, Jcflamy, fays fhe, I am not 
to be deceived : pray, w'ear gloves for the future ; for 
you may as well go bare-fac'd as fhew that hand and dia- 
mond ring.. 

Sir John, What a fink of iniquity ?— Proflitution on 
all fides, from the lord to the pick-ppcket. ^/ffide.) 
Pray, Mr. Jcflamy, among your other virtues, I fuppofe 
you game a little j eh,^ Mr. J'efiamy ? 

Jejf. A little whift, or (b. — But I am tfed up from the 
dice \ I mufl neV'er touch a box again. 

Sir John, I wifh you was tied up fomewherc clfe \ I 
fweat from top to toe ! {jtjide.^ — Pray lend- me your 
fword, Mr. Jeflamy *, I (hall go to my room. And let my 
Lord and Lady and my niece Tittup know, that I beg 
they will excufe ceremonies \ that I'mufi be up and gone 
before they go to bed \ that 1 have a moiV profound re« 
(ped and love for them \ and-— that 1 hope we ftiall ne^ 
Ter fee one another again as long as we live* 


*}€/, I (hall certainly obey your commandf* ' What 
poor ignorant wretches thefe country gentlemen are ! 

[AJide^ and exit* 

Sir John. If lAay in this place another day, it wou*d 
throw me into a fever ! Oh, I wifh it was morning !•«• 
This comes of vifiting my relations 1 

Enter Davy, drunh 

So, you wicked wretch you— -where have yon b^eo, 
and what have you been doing ? 

Davy. Merry-making, your honou r London fot 

ever 1 

Sir John, Did not I order you to come dicedly ffon^ 
the play, and not be idling and raking about } 

Davy, Servants don^ do what they are bid in Lon- 

Sir John. And did I not order you not to make a 
jackanapes of yourfelf, and tie yovur hair »p like a mon« 
key > 

Doxy, And therefore I did it— no pleafing the ladies 
without this — my Lord^s fervants call you an oldout-of* 
fafliionM codger, and have taught me what^s what. 

Sir John.lieTe^s an imp of the devil ! ■ He is un» 
done, and will poifon the whole country.— -Sirrah, get 
every thing ready, 1*11 be going dire£lly» 

Davy, To bed,. Sir ?— I want to go to bed myfel^ 

Sir John, Why, how now- ■ y ou arc drunk too, 

Davy, I am a little, y^us honour, becaufe I have been 

' Sir John, That is not all— ^you have been in bad com- 
pany, Sirrah 1 

Davy. Indeed your honour^s miHaken, I never kept 
fuch good company m all my life. 

Sir John, The fellow does not underflaiid me— Whero 
have you been, you drunkard ? 

Davy, Drinking, to be fure, if I am 1i drunkard ^ and 
if you had been dpnking too, as I have been, you wouM 
not be in fuch a paffion with a body — it makes one fd 

Sir John. This ia another addition, to my misfortunes:! 


aol BOK TON ', q%f JlEi It, 

I (hall Imiyc this fSellow carry into the country a$ many 
vice& as will corrupt the whole pari(h. 

Davy* PU take what I can, to be fare, your WoirOiip* 

Sir John* Get away, you bead you^ and fleep off the 
^hauchery you have contracted this fortnight, or I (hall 
leave you behind as a proper perfon to make one of his 
Lordfhip^s family. 

Davy* So i^uch the better—^Give me more wages, lefs 
work, and the key of the ale-cellar, and I am your fer- 
Tant \ if not, provide youffelf with another. 

[Struts about* 

Sir Jobn, Kerens a reprobate !-— This is the comple- 
tion of my mifery !— But harkee, villain — ^go to bed— 
and ileep off y«ur iniquity $ and thefi pack up the things, 
or 1^11 pack you oS to Newgate, ^nd tranfpoit you for 
iife. lExit* 

Davy* That for you, old codger— (5W4^i his fingers.) 
I know the law better than to be frightenM with moon« 
fhine ! I wi(h that I was to live here all my days ! " w * 
'' This is life indeed ! a fervant lives up to his eyes in clo« 
ver ; they have wages, and board-wages, and nothing to 
do but to grow fat and fancy— They are as happy as 
their mailers : they play for ever at cards, fwcar like em- 
perors, drink like fi{hes, and go a-wenching with as 
much eafe and tranquillity as if they were going to a 
fermon ! Oh, 'tis a fine life ! [Exit reelings 

Scene, A Chamber in Lord MipikinV houfe. 

Enter Lord Minikin and Mifs Tittup, in mafquerade 
dreffeSy lighted by Jeflamy. 

X. JifiVr. Set down the candles, JefTamy; and fhou'd 
your lady cone home, let me know— Be fure you are 
fiot out of the way* 

Jefy I have livM too long with your Lordfbip to need 
the caution— Who the devil have we got now ? but 
that's my Lord's bufinefs and not mine. [-^^/^ 

Mifs Tit, ^pulling off her majk.) Upon my word, my 
Ijord, this coming home fo foon from the mafquerade is 
Tery imprudent, and will certainly be obfervM — I am 
mo^ inconceivably frighten'd, I can aifure you my 
uncle '^rotley has a light in his room \ the accident thin 
lAorning will certainly keep him upon the watch — ^{>ray, 


Bsy Lord, let us defer our meetings till he goes into the 
country— -I find that my EngliOi heart, tho^ it has ven« 
turM to ifki', gfows fearful, and aukward to prafVife the 
freedoms of warmer climates-— (ilfjp Lord takes her by thi 
hand,') . If yott will not defifl, my Lord— we are feparat-* 
ed for ever— The fight of the precipice turns my head^ 
I have been giddy with it too long, and mud turn from 
it while I can-ii^Pray be quiet^ my Lord,- 1 will meec 
you to-morrow. 

Z. Min* To-morrow ! His ail age iu my fituation*— - 
Let the weak, balbfiil, ooytlh whiner be intimidated with 
thefe faint alarms ^ but let the bold etperienced lovet 
Idndie at the danger, and like the eagle in the midft of 
ftorms thus bounce upon his prey* [Takes hold of her m 

Mifs Tit. Bear Mr. Eagle, be metciful } pray, let the 
poor p^eoa fiy fer this otice. 

£• Mm* If I do, my Doi^e, may I be cursM to have 
jliy Wife as fetid of me a$I am now of thee. 

\Pffers to kifs her. 

Jtf. {witbcta:, kHociwg at tie door.) My Lord, vlj 
Lord ! 

Mifs Tit. (fereams.) Ha ! 

L. Min. Who's there J 

i^S^ C^^^i*) *Tis I, my Lord j may 1 come ln> 

Z. ium. Damn the fellow I What^s the matter ? 

Je/l Nay, not much, my Lord— only lay Lady^s com^ 

Mifs Tit. Then Pm uad^ne-^What (hall I doe-^I'l 
run into n£y own i^oom. 

Z. Mif^n Then flie may meet you going to hers. 

Jef There^s a dark, deep clofet, my Lord-*Mifs ma^ 
hide hferfelf there. 

Mi/s Tit» For heaven's fake', put me- irtfo it 5 and wheir/ 
her Ladyihip's fafe, let me know, my Lord.— What an 
efcape have I had ! 

L, Min. The moment her evil fpirit is laid, I^H let my 
angel out. (JPuts her into the clofet.) Lock the door eH 
the ittfide^-^Coine fdftly to my room, Jcffamy 

Jef If a board creaks, your LordO^ip (hall never give 
H^e a kc^d waiftcoat again« [ExeunU 

' ' - Eflter 

910 BON TON ^ 6IU ^^ A 

Enter Gymp^ lighting in Ladj Minikin and Colonel Tivj, 

in mafquerad$'drejf€^. 

Gymp, Pray, my Lady, go no farther with the Colo^ 
Bel: I know you mean nothing but innocence^ but \*ja 
fure there will be bloodfhed, for my Lord is certainly in 
the houfe— >IH take my affidavit that 1 heard 

CoL Tivy. It can^t be, I tell you ^ we left him this 
moment at the mafqueradc I fpoke to hizx^ before X 
came out. 

La. Alin, He^s too bufy and too well employM to think 
of home— BuJ; don't tremble (b, Gyrop* Inhere is n« 
harm, I affure you— The Colonel is to marry my niece, 
and it is proper to (ettle tame matters relating to it^— • 
Xhey are left to us. 

Cymp. Yes, yes, Madam ; to be fure it is proper that 
you talk together-— I know .you mean nothing but inno* 
cence— 4>ut indeed there will be bloodOied. 

CoU Tivy^ 1 he girl's a fool. I Ii^e no fword.t>y sij 

Gymp. But my Lord has, and yott may kill one An- 
other with that. — I know you mean nothing but inno*- 
cence ; but I certainly heard him go up the back-ftairs 
into his room talking with Jefiamy* 

La. Min. *Tis im^fhble but the girl tfuft have ian- 
cyM this— —Can't you aik Whifp, or M^non, if theis 
maAer is come in ! 

Gymp, Lord, my Lady, they are always drunk before 
this, and afleep in the iutchen. 

La. Min. This frightenM fool has made me as ridicu** 
lous as herfelf . Hark !— Colonel, I'll fwear there is Ipme- 
thing upon the flairs ^ aow I am in the field, I £nd I am 
a coward. 

Gyfi^. There will certainly be hloodfhed. 

Co/. Tivy. rU flip down with Gymp this back-way 
then. IGoing* 

Gytnp. O my dear Lady, there is (bmebody coming up 
^there too. 

CoL Tivy. Zounds ! ~ I've got between two fires. 

La. Min. Run into the clofet» 

£W. 7ivy, (runs to the ciofet.^ There's no retreat — ^tht 
door is locked. 

La. Min. Behind the chimney-board, Gymp* 



(V. 7iw)f. J {hall certainly be taken prifoner'^ {fioe^ 
hbind the ioaniS) You'll let me know when the eneBj'» 

La, Mitt. Leave that to me ■ Do you, Gjmp, go 
down the back-ftairs, and leave me to face my Lord \ I 
think I can match him at hypocrify. [Siti down^ 

Enter Lord Minikin. 
Z. Mift, What, is your Ladyihip fo Cxm relutn'd from 
lady Flllagrcc's ? 

La. Mm, I am fure, my Lord, I ought to bencoc 
farprizM at your being here fo foon, when I iaw you fo 
Well entertainM in a tete-a-tSte with a lady in crix&fon«— 
Such %hts, my Lord, will always drive me from my 
moil favourite amufements. 

Z. Mtn. You find, at lead, that the lady, whoever (he 
was, cou'd not engage me to ftay^ when I ibund. your 
Ladyihip had left the ball. 

, La. Min, Your Lordfhip's fneering upon my unhap* 
py temper may be a pi oof of your wit, but is none ofi 
your humanity \ and this behaviour is as great an infult 
iipDn me as even your falfehood itfelf. 

[Pretetub t0weef» 
X. Min. Nay, my dear Lady Minikin, if you are re« 
folvM to play tra)g;edy, I (hall roar away too, and pull out 
iby cambric handkerchief. 

La» Min. I think, my Lord, we had better retire to 
opr apartments ^ my weaknefs and your brutality will 
QPly expofe us to our fervants. ' ■ ■ Where is Tittup, 
pray ? ■■ 

Z. Min» I left her with the G>loneL— -A mafquerade 
to young folks upon the point of matrimony b as de* 
lightful as it is difguding to thofe who are happily mar* 
H^d, and are wife enough to love home and the company 
of . their wives. [ Takes bold of her hand. 

La, Min, Falfe man !— I had as lieve a toad touch'd 

Z. Min, She gives me the frifonne.— >I muil propofe 
to ftay, or I (hall never get rid of her. (y^i/<,)— -1 am 
quite agui(h to*night,— 4ie — ^he— Do, my dear, let us 
upake -a little fire here, and make a family tfte^a^ite^ by 
way of novelty. \^ii^t a beliK 


'21'% BON TON ; Oty 

Enter jiSkmj. 
Let ^etn take away that chimney board, and light a fire 
here immediately. 

La. Mitt. What (hall I do ! (4/ide.y ^Herc Jcffit- 

my, there's no occafion I am gmng to my own 

chaonbery and my Lord won^'t (lay here by himfelf. 

lExit Jeflamy. 
£. Mitt. How cruel it is. Lady Minikin, to deprive 
me of the pleafurc of a domeftic duetto.-^A good efcape, 
iaith ! ^ Ij^J^e. 

La. Mitt. I have too much regard for Lord I^nikin, 
to agree to any thing that would afford him fo little 
pleafnre-^I (hall retire to my own apartment. 

Z. Mitt. Well, if your Lady(hip will be cruel, I mall 
IHlly like the mifcr, (tarve and figh, though poflefied of 
the greatefl' treafure^— (B^n^r.)**^ ^^ y<>)ur Lady(hip 
a good night 

(iZf tahs ott^ eattdk, andjhe takes the otber* 

Msy Iprcfume ■■■ (SaAgtes her. 

La. i/bttM Your Lordfhip is too obligin g ■ ' Nafty 

<man ! (^Afij!e. 

L. Min» Difagreeable woman ! {^Afide. 

[T'bey w^e their HpSy and exeunt eeretttottiomfy. 

MifsTit. ifeeping out at the ciofet.) AlPs filent bow, 

and quite dark ) what has been doing here I cannot g^eif 

•*-I long to be relieved. I wiih'my Lord was com e 

But I hear af noife* (She Jbmts the door* 

Cai. Tivy. f^ peeping oter the cbitttttey -hoard.) I woP' 

der my Lady does not come ■ I would not have lMB(f . 

Tittup know of thi s * twould be ten thoufimd pounds 

out of my way; and I can't afford to gite fo much for 
a little gallantry. 

Mifs Tit. {comes forward.) What would my Colonel 
fay to find his bride, that is to be, in this critical fitua- 
tion ? 

Ettter Lord Minikin, at one door^ in the dark. 
£. Mitt. Now to relieve my prifoner. 

{Comes forwards 
Ettter Lady Minikin, at the other door. 
La. Mitt. My poor Colonel will be as miferable as if 
he were befieg'd in garrifon ^ I muft releafe him. 

{Goittg^ tqwards the chimttty., 

L. Mitt^ 

Z. Min. Hift ^hift !. 

Mifs Tii. La. Mia. and CoL Tivj» Here^ httt I 

L, Min* This iway. 

La. Mia. Softly* 

£7]^^ all grope abouty till L. Minikin has gat La. Mi* 
nikin, and the Colonel Miff Tittup* 

&r yohtt. (Jp^aktng without.) Light this way, I fay } 
I am fure there are thieves, get a blunderbufs. 

Jef. Indeed you dreamt it j there is nobody bnt the 
family. [^Ailjiand andjiare* 

Enter Sir John in his cafiy and hanger drawn^ with 


Sir John. Give me the candle. 111 ferret '^em out, I 
warrant ;-«bring a blunderbufi, I fay ', they have beea 
flppping about that gallery in the dark this half hour ^ 
there muft be mifchie f I have watched 'cm into this 
roo m ■ H o, ho, are you there I— if you ftir, you are 
dead men— (TA<^ r^/ar^.)— and (feeing the ladies) wo- 
men too ! ■ ■ Egad— ha ! What^s this ? the fame party 
sgain ! and two couple they are of as choice mortals as 
ever were hatchM in this righteous town— You'll excufe 
me, couiins ! IThey all look tof^fimnded. 

L. Min* In the name of wonder, how cemes all this 
about ) 

Sir 'John, Well, but harkVe, my dear coufins^ have 
you not got wrpng partners ?— *Here has been fome mif« 
take in the dark ^ I am mighty glad that I have brought 
you a candle to fet you all to rights again-*-You'll ex« 
cufe me, gentlemen and ladies ! 

Enter Gymp, with a candle. 

Gymp. What, in the name of mercy, is the matter ? 

Sir John. Why the old matter, and the old game, 
^rs. Gymp \ and I'll match my coufins here at it againft 
all the world* ■ a nd I fay done firft. 

L. Min. What is tke meaning. Sir John, ^f all this 
tumult and confternation ? May not Lady Minikin and 
ly and the Colonel and your niecei be feen in my houfe 
together without your raiiing the family, and makiog 
this uproar and confuiion ? / 

Sir John. Como, come, good folks, IJce you arc all 
confounded > I'll fettle this matter in a momeat«-»As for 


214 ioN TON •, OR, jici IL 

you, Colonel— tho* you have not dcfcrv'd plain-dealing 
from me, I will now be ferious — ^you may imagine this 
young lady has an independent fortune, heiides expe&a- 
tions from me-^'tis a miHake, (he has no expedations 
from me j— if fhe marry you,, and I don't confent to Tier 
xnarriage,^ fhe will have no fortune at all. 

Co/, Ttvy. Plain -dealing is a jewel 5 and to fhew you, 
Sir John, that I can pay you in kind, I am moft fin* 
terely oblig'd to you for your intelligence j and I am, la- 
tiies, your moft obedient humble fervant — I fliall fee you, 
ttty Lord, at the club to-morrow ? [^Exit Col, Tivy. 

Z. Min, Sans doute^ mon cher ColoneL-^V)! ineet you 
there without fail. 

Sir John. 'Mj Lord, you'll have fomething elfc to 

Z. Min, Indeed ! wh'at is that, good Sir John ? 

Sir John. You muft meet your lawyers and creditors 
to-morrow, and be told, what you have always turn'd a 
deaf ear to, that the diffipation of your fortune and mo- 
rals niuft be followed by years of parfimony and repent- 
ance. — As you are fond of going abroad, you may in- 
dulge that inclination without having it in your poorer 
to indulge any other. 

Z. Min, The bumkin is no fool, and is 3amnM Sati- 
rical— \^Jide» 
- Sir John, This kind of quarrantine for peililential 
minds, will bring you to your fcnfes, and make you re- 
nounce foreign vices and follies, and return with joy to 
your country and property again,— ^Rcad that «iy Lord, 
and know your fate, [Gives a pa/>er* 

Z. Min. -Whai an abomination thi« is ! that a man of 
fafhion, and a nobleman, (honld be obliged to fubmit to 
the lavM of hi^ country. 

Sir John, Thank Heaven, my Lord, wc are in that 
country ! You are iHent, ladies ? If repentance has fub* 
duM your tongues, I ftiay have hopes of you—- a little 
country air might perhaps do well j as you are diilrefs^d^ 
I am at your fervice ? W hat fay you, my Lady ? 

Z. Min. However appearances have condemned me, 
give me leave to difavow the fubflance of thofe appear- 
ances* My mind has beea tainted, but ooC profligate ; 

I your 


your kiodnefs and example may reftore me to my for* 
mer natural Englifh conflitution. 

Sir John, Will you rcfign your lady to me, my Lord, 
for a time > 

L. Min, For ever, dear Sit John, without a mur- 

Sir John, Well, Mifs, what fay you ? 

Mi/s Tj/. Guilty, uncle. [Curt/eying. 

Sir John. Guilty ! the devil you are ? of what ? 

Miff Tit, Of confenting to marry one whom my heart 
could not approve ^ and coquetting with another, which 
friendihipy duty, honour, morals, and every thing hut 
faihion, ought to have forbidden. 

Sir John, Thus then, with the wife of one under this 
ann,'and the miftrefs of another under this, I fally forth 
a knight-errant, to refcue diftrefsM damfels from thofe 
monfters, foreign vices, and ^bn to/iy as they call it j and 
I truil that every £ngli(h hand and heart here will af^ 
fift me in fo defperate an undertaking . ■ You'll excufe 
me. Sirs ! 


I , i 

■ >l ■ »■ 

C O M U S: 

M A S (^ U £• 
Alttredfrom MiIton» 




* m 

J^ir/I Spirit, 
EUtr Brttter^ 
ToMMger BrwtbeTf 






Conwd GardiM, 

Mr. Mattocks. 

Mr. Hull, 

Mr. Whitefield. 

Mr. Robfon. 
CMr. Reinhold. 
£,Mr. Mahon, &Ci 

Mr. l.*£ftrangc. 

I Mrs. JackfoDk 
Mifs Gatley» 
5 Mifs Dayes. 
2, Mifs Ambrofcy 3cc* 

Bdiahurgh 17%%^ 
Mr. Davies. 
Mr. Sparks. 
Mn Simplbn* 
Mr» Banks, 
Mr. Hallion. 
Mr. Kc%» ^« 

S^inammdpaf.Nymphf Mifs Brown. 

fMrs. Wo«^ 
Mrs. Jackfon* ^ 
Mrs. Mills. 
Mn. Mountfort, &c» 
Mrs. HenderfoOk 


A C T W. 

ScENEy A Wood, 

CoMts enters with a charming- rod in bne band^ bis glajs 
in the other; with hipi a route qfmen and women^ drejjed 
dj Bacchanals: they dome in making a riotous and »#l* 
ruly noifcy with tofches in their hands* 

CoJAvi /peaks\ 
Thi ftar that bids the ihcpherd fold> 
Now the top of heaven doth bold| 

% ^ And 

Jiat eoMxrsr. 1^^ 

And the gilded car of day 

His golden axle doth alky 

Id the fteep Atlantic ilream ; 

And the flope fun his upward beam 

Shoots againft the dulky pole, .-J 

Pacing toward the other goal 

Of his chamber in the eaft : 

MeaawhUe welcome joy and fca(t. 


^o^'l^hoebus finkcth in the weft, 
Welcome fong, and welcome jeft j 
Midnight fhout and revelry, 
Tipfy dance and jollity j 
Braid your locks with rofy twine. 
Dropping odours, dropping wine. 
Rigour now is gone to bed, 
And Advice with fcruplous head, 
Stri^l Age and four Severity, 
With their grave faws in flumber lie* 

Comus, We that are of purer fire, 
imitate the ftarry choir, 
Who in their nightly watchful fpheres 
Lead in fwift rpund the months and years. 
*iTie founds and feas with all their finny drovc^ 
Now to the moon in wav'ring morrice move j 
And on the tawny fands and (helves 
^rip the pert fairies and the dapper elves. 

SONG ^ya Woman. 
By dimpled brook, and fountain brim. 
The wood- nymphs, deck'd with daifies trim> 
Their merry wakes and paflimes keep : 
What has night to do with fleep ? 
Night has better fweets to prove j 
Venus now wakes, and wakens Love : 
Come, let us our rites begin j 
*Tis only day-light that makes fin. 

Comus ^ Hail, goddefe of nocturnal fport, 
bark-veiled Cocytto, t' whom the fecret iflamft 
Of midnight torches burns 3 myderious dame) 

Vol. IV. K That 


That ne*cr art callM but when Ac dragon-wotab 
. Of Stygian darknefs fpits her-thickefl gluom^ 
And makes one blot of all the air, 
Stay^he cloudy ebon chair. 
Wherein thou rid'ft with Hecat^ and befriend 
Us thy vow'd priefts, till utmoft end 
Of all thy dues be done, and none left out 5 
E'er the babbling eaftern fcout, 
The nice Morn on th' Indian deep 
From her cabin, loop- hole peep, 
And to the tell-tale Sun defer y 
tOur concealed folemnity. 


SONG. By Comus and a Woman* 
Froin tyrant laws and cudoms free> 
We follow fweet variety ; 
By turns we drink, and dance, and fing, 
Love for ever on the wing. 
Why (bould niggard rules controol 
Tranfports of the jovial foul ? 
No dull ilinting hour we own : 
Jlcafure counts our time alone. 

XHomus. Break dff, break off, I feel the diflPreat pace 
^Of fome chade footing near about this ground. 
Run to your fltrouds within thefe brakes and trees } 
Our number may affiigixt : fome virgin fure 
(For fo I can diftinguiih by mine art) 
Benighted in thefe woods. Now to my charms, 
And to my wily trains. I (hall e'^r long 
Be well ilock'd with as fair a herd as grax'd 
Abowt my mother (Jirce. Thus I hurl 
My. dazzling fpells into the fpungy air, 
vOi pow'r to cheat the eye with blear illuiioh^ 
And^ve it falfe prefentments, left the place 
, And my quaint habits breed a(loni(hment. 
And put the damfel to fufpicious flight ^ 
Which mufl not be, for that's againfl my curfe* 
I, under fair pretence of friendly ends, 
And well-placM words of glozing courtefy^ 
Baited with realbtis not unplauiible^ 
Wind me into the eafy-hei^rted man, 
A&'d Vig him into fnares. When once her ey'e - 


Hath met the virtue of his magic dufb^ 
I Oiall appear fome harmlefs villager, 
Whom thrift keeps up about his country gea^. 
But here ihe coines \ I fairly fl^p afide, 
Ahd hearken if I may her buflnefs hear. ' 

Enter the Lady. 
Lady. This way the noife \Cas, if mine ear be true, 
My beft guide now \ methought it was the found 
Of riot at\d ill-nuinag'd itierriment, 
I (hould be loth 

To me*t the rudeh^fs and fwill'd infolencc 
Of fuch late rioters ) yet, oh, where elfe 
Shall I inform my unacquainted feet 
In the blind mazes of this tangled wood? 

-Comus. {dfide.) I'll eafe her of that care, and be heft 

%,ady. My brothers, when they faw me weary'd out, 
'SteppM; as they faid, to the msx thicket fide, 
To bring me berries of fuch cooliYig fruit 
As the kind hofpitable woods provide. 
But where they are, and why they come not back^ 
Is now the labour of my thoughts 5 'tis likdieft 
I'hey had engaged their wand'ring fteps too fkr. 
'I calinot halloo to my brothers, but 
Such noife as I can make to be heard fartheft 
I'll venture ; for my new etiliveri'd fpirits 
Prompt me 5 and they perhaps are not far off. 

S O N €^. 
Sweet Echo, fwecteft nymph, that liv'ft unfei6n 

Within thy airy cell, 
By flow Meander *s mai'gent gfeeh, 

And in the violet-enibroider'd vale. 
Where the love lorn liightingale / 

Nightly to thee her fad fong mourneth well, 
Canft thou not tell me of a gentle pair, 
That liked thy Narciffus are ? 

Oh,lf thou have 
Hid them in fome flowVy cavfe, 

Tell me but Where, 
"Sweet queen of plarly, daughter of tlie fpliete j 
So may'fl thon be tranflated to the fldcs, 
And give rcfounding grace to all heaven's harmonics. 

2 So eoiifus. AB il 

Comusy {ifide^ Cs^R any mortal mi&ture of earth*' 

Breathe fuch divine enchanting ravifhment ? 
I'll fpeak to her, 

Aiid flic (hall be my queen.— —*Hail, foreign wonder. 
Whom certain thefe roogh (hades did never breeds 
Unlefs the goddefs that in rural (hrine 
Dweirft here with Pan or Silvan, by blefsM fong 
Forbidding ev'ry bleak unkindly fog 
To touch the profp'rous growth of this tall wood. 

Lady. Nay, gentle (hepherd, ill is Iqil that praifc 
That is addrefs'd to unattending ears : 
Not any boaft of ikill, but extreme (hift 
How to regain my fevered company, 
Compelled me to awake the courteous Echo 
To give me anfwer from her mofly couch. 

Comusn What chance, good lady, hath bereft you thus "> 

Lady. Dim darknefs, and this leafy labyrinth. 

Homus. Could that divide you from near-uihMng 
guides \ 

Lady. They left toe weary on a grafly turf, 
To feek i\h'valley foitte cool friendly fpring. 

Comus, And left your fair fide all unguarded, lady > 

Lady. They were but twain, and purposed <^uick 

Comus, Iftiports their lofs, befide thcprefent need ? 

Xsady, No lefs than if I iliould my brothers lofe. 

€omus* Were they of manly prime or youthful bloom? 

Lady, As fmooth as Hebe's their unrazorM lips. 

Comus, Two fuch I faw, under a mantling vine, 
That crawls along the fide of yon fmall hill, 
Plucking ripe clufters from the tender (bouts ^ 
Their port was more than human 5 if thofe you feek. 
It were a journey like the path to heav'ni 
To help you find them. 

fiddy. Gentle villager, 
.What readieft way would bring me to that place ? 

Comus, I know each lane, and ev'ry alley green^ 
Dingle, or bu(hy dell of this wild wood. 
My daily walks and ancient neighbourhood : 
And if your ftray attendants be yet lodg'd, 
Oc ihcoud within thefe limits, I (hall know 

E' ef 

E'er morrow wake j or grant it othcrwife, 

I can condu6): you, lady, to a low 

But loyal cpttage, where you may be fafe ^ 

Till farther que (I. 

Lady, Shepherd, I take thy wbrd, 
And truft thy offered fervice; In a place 
Lefs warranted than this, or lefs fecure, 
I cannot be, that I Ihould fear to change it. 
Eye me, blefs'd Providence, and fquare my trial 
To my proportion's ftrength—— Shepherd, lead on. 

Enttr ComusV Crew from behind the trees » 

SONG. By a Man. 
Fly fwiftly, ye minutes, till Comus receive 
The namelefs foft tranfports that beauty can give ^ 
The bowl's frolic joys let him teach her to prove^ 
And (he in return yield the raptures of love. 
» Without love and wine^ wit and beauty are vain^ 
'All grandeur inlipid, and riches a pain \ * t 

The moil fplendid palace grows dark as the grave : 
I«o¥e and wioe giv^^^yt gods ! or take back what ye,gavc^ 

C H O R U S^ 

Away^ away^ away, 

To Comuft' court repair y 
There night ootQiines the day. 
There yields the melting ftur^ 

\^^balho heartk^ 
EnUr th^ (vuy Brothers* 

E Bro. • Udy lift, I hear 

Sbome far off halloo break the fil^nt air. 

TBro Methought fd too: whatihotdd it be ? 
E Bro* Eithier fomue one l&e us night-fouhd'er^d faerc| 
Or elfe fome neighbour woodman ; or at worft. 
Some roviijg robber calling to his fellowjg. 

TBro. Heav*a keep my. fifter. Agaia. ! again ! atui > 

near ! 

Bed draw and (land upon our guard 

£ 5r(7. ril halloo : 
If he be friendly, he comes well 5 if not, 
.X^efence is a good caufe, and heaven be fbt ut.. 

K3; Eni€P' 

'Enter thefirfi Spirit, habited like ajbepberd, 
-2 Bro, That halloo I fliould know— ^-What are you^? 
Speak. t 

Sfiir, What voice is that ? My young lord ? Speak agam. 

YBrOs O brother, 'tis my Other's ihepherd fure. 

Spir* O my lov'd mafter*s heir, and his. next joy :. 
Where i^ my virgin lady ? where is (he ? 
llow chance ihe is not in your company ? 

E Bra% To tell thee fadly, (hepherd, without blame^. 
Or our negled, we loft her as we came* . 

Sfiir, Ah, me ! unhappy ! then my fears are true. 

E Bro. Whai fears, good Thyrfis ? prithee briefly: 

Sfitr, Within the bofom of this hideous wood^ 
ImmurM in cyprefs (hades, a forcerer dwells, 
Of Bacchus and oT Circe born, great Comus } 
Deep(kiird in all his mother's witcheries, 
And wanton as his father; 
This have I learnt tending my flock hard by y 
Whence night by night h.e and his.monftrous route are:^ 

heard to howl. 
Yfet have they many baits and guileful fpelk^, ^ . 
T 'inveigle and Invite th\inwaiy fenfe.. 
But hark ! the beaten timbrel's jlarring found 
And wild tumultuous mirth proclaim their preience : 
Onward they move f and this wa;^ guides their fleps. 
Let us withdraw a-while» £They retire* 

£nter Coinui*s- Crew revelling^ and hj turns cdreffiing 

each other y till tbey obferve we two Brothers \ then th^ 

£lder Brother advances and /peaks. 

E Bro.. What ar& you ? fpeak 4 that thus in wanton 
And midnTght revelry, Hke drunken Bacchanals, 
Invade the (Uen ce of thefe lonely (hades ? 

I JVom, Ye godlike youths, 
<Ble& >he p9opitioi\s ilar that led you to us : 
We are the happieft of the race of mortals j 
Of freedom, mirth, and joy, the only heirs : • 
But you (hall them (hare with us ; (or this cup, 
'Shis nedar'd cup, the fweet aflurance gives 
Of prefent, and the pledge of future blifs. 

[She offers them tkfi'€^Pf which they both put By. 



SONG. By a Man 
£y the gaily circling glafs^ , 
We can fee how minutes pafs ^ 
£7 the hollow caik are told 
How the waining night grows old* 
Soon, too foon, the bufy day 
Drives us from our iport and play* 
What have we with day to do ? 
Sons of Gare, 'twas made for yon* 
E Bro. Forbear, nor offer us the poifon'd fweets* 
I Worn. Oh ! how unfeemly (hews in blooming youth- 
Such grey fe verity ! But come with usw. 
We to the bow'jp of blifs will guide your ftepsi 

SONG* By a woman in a pqfiora/ habit* - 
Would you tafte the noon-tide air } 
To yon fragrant bow^r repair, 
Where,, woven with the popular bough; ^ 
The mantHng vine will dielter you. 
Down each fide a fountain flows j 
Tinkling, murmuring, as it goes, 
Lightly o'er the mofly ground \ 
Sultry Phoebus fcorching round* 
Round, the languid herds and (heepj» 
StretchM o'er lunny hillock fleep,^ 
While on the hyacinth, and rofe . 
The fair does aU aUme reppfe*. 
All alon e " and in her armr* 

Your bread may bcatta Love's alarni&.^ 
Till blefs'd, and blefling, you (hall own 
The joys o£love arcjoys alone* 
rjJro^How low finks beauty, when, by vice debas'At* 
JIo fai that £orm« if virtue dwek within I 
But, from this fhameleG advocate of fhame, 
To me the warbled fongjiarfh difcord grates. 

I Worn, No more *, thefe formal maxims milbecome yoa^ 
They only fuit fufpicious (hrivell'd age. 

SONG. By a Man and two Women. . 
Live, an d love, enjoy the fair, 
Baniili forrow, banifli care 5 
Miad nat what old dotards fay^ , 

K4. A«r- 

Age has liad his (hare of play ; 
But youth's fport begins to-day. 
From the fruits of fwcet delight ' 
Let no fcarecrow Virtue fright. 
Here in Pleafure's vineyard we 
Rove like birds, from tree to tree> 
Carclefs, airy, gay, and free. 
E Bro. How can your impious tongues profane the 
. name 
Of facred virtue, and yet promife pleafiire 
In lying fongs of vanity and vice ? 
From virtue fcver*d, pleafurc frenzy grows. 
And always flies at reafon's cool return. 
But we forget : WIio hears the voice of truths 
In noify riot and intemperance drown'd ? 
Thyriis be then our guide ! we'll follow tfaee^ 
And (bme good angel bear a &ield before us ! "^ 

[Exeunt Brothers and Spirit. 
I Worn, Come, come, my friqnds, and partners <^ vnj 
Leave to thefe pedant youths their bookifh dreams \ 
^ beardlefs Cynic is the,(hame of n at are, . 
Beyond the cure of this inipirin^ cup ^ 
Away, nor wallc a moment more about 'em. 
Chcrus, Away, away, away. 

To Comos' court repair 5 
There night outshines the day, 
X^cre yields the melting fain ^ 

[Exeunt Jingtn^. 

I." m ' . i 1 ■ ■■ ■■ 


Scene opem^ and difcovers a magnificent HaHtn Comus^r 
' Fa}ace. ' Q,oxsi\i% and Attendants Jl and on each Jide qf 
' ' tie Ju^dy y ijiho is feat € din an inchanted chair ^ 

CoMUi J^eaks* 
Come, thou goddefs fair and free, 
In heaven yclep'd Evphrofyne-, 
Hade thee, nyxnph, ai^d bring with thee 
Jeft and joyful jollity, 
Quips and cranks, and wanton wiles^ 
Jt{g4s »9d bQcks, aQd wreathed fmilcs 

. Such as hang Qfi H«b^'s cheeky 
And lave to live in dimple ileek \ 
Sport, that wrinkled Care deridof^ 
And Laughter iialdiog both his fides» 

Come, and trip it as you go, ^ " 

On the light fanta&ic tpe ; 
And in my right-hand lead With thee 
The mountaifi-nyinph) fweet Liberty. 

^Whilfi ibeje Imes are repeating^ enter a Nymph re^ 
prefixing EmpW'dEyney. or Mirth ; 'tJoho adtianees 
fo tke^ ifi^y^anJJingttbefiilhwingfong 

5 O N G. 
Coitie, come, bid adieu to £ear : 
Love and harmony live here^ 
No domefllc jealous jars, 
-Buzsiag flanders, wordy war9|^ 
In my prefeoce witt appear ^ ** 

Love and harmony^ 
Sighs to amorous fighs returning*^ 
Pillfes beatiug, boG»n|9 burning, 
Bofoms wi|:h warm wifhes panting, 
Word^ to fpeak thofe wifhes wanting^ 
Are the 9Ply tumults here, 
All the wo^you need to fefir y 
Love a9d(.h4naoqy reign here^ 
Lady. How long m^ I> by mag^c fitters cKain'd- 
To this detefled £cvXy h^s^so^Hovs ijrains 
Of (hamelefe folly which my (bul abbera ? 

Comus» Now foftly Qow let Lydian meafures move, 
And breathe the pleaiing pangs of gentle love* 

£ The pt^oral %n^b a4yau<^^JhWy with a meiancbo- 
ly nti4 deJUm^if^ ^ir, tojhefyi^ ofphfjtage^ and^ 
repeats, kj^vfaj^ «/>o/i^Vi/if*<r,A^jft? Hnes, an J 
then Jlnge^tj^e balhd. In the mean^^ time Jhe U 
obferoed by £yphro£yne, y^h^. by kergejiure ex- 
pwejes tOs tj^^ ^udietkqe her different fentiments of 
thejujbjeflrqfber c^mplaint^ fiiu^bly tQ th^ charaC" 
ter of their feveaal fongsw^ 

- : iR^SClTATIVE, ^. 

Like funny 4;ifftm»his^6hte^l,^if\5.;. 


. , ^.l 

his Toice was like the nigbtingate^s; 
More fwcct his breath than flow'ry yales». 
How hard fuch beauties to'refign !. 
And yet tint cruel tafk, is mine ! 


On every hill, in every grove, 

Along the margin of each flream^ 
Dear confcious fcenes of former love,. • 

I mourn, and Damon is my theme. 
The hills>the groves, the ftreams- remain. 
But Damon there I feek in vain. 
From hill; from dale, each charm is flbd^ 

Groves, flocks, and fountains, pleafe no mote^ 
ILach flow'r in pity droops its head) 

AH nature does my lofs deplore. 
All, all jeproach the faithlefs fwainy 
Yet Damon dill I feek in vain. 

RECITATIVE. By Euphrofync*. 
' Love, the greateft blifs below, 

How to tafte few women know y 

Fewer ftill the -way have hit . 

Hoj¥ aEckle Twain t&qtiit. 

Simple nymphs, then learn oimt^. 

How to tteat ineonflaney. 


The wanton god, that* pierces heart »>- 

Dips in gall his poif^ted darts-: 

But the nymph difdains to pine,- 

Who bathes the wound- with rciy wine.* 

Farewel lovers^ when they W cloy M y 

If Pm fcorn*d becaufc enjoy'd, 
. Sure the- f<)ueamiih -fops are free 

To rid tis of dull company. 

They have channs whiH^ mine can pleafe i* 
' I'love them much, hut more my eade^. 

Nor jealous fears my love moleft,' 

Nor faithlefs vows mall -break my reft* 

Why (houM they e^ergive me ^ain. 

Who Ad 'give me joy difdaio^ . 
u. AH 1 hope of inoftal^an,. 

Is to love me whillt he can* 

jIB til 'COUVS. . 827' 

C&ntus^ Wfaj are yon vex'd, lady ? ivhy do-yoa frowai 
Here dwell no frowns nor. anger \ from thefe gates 
Sorrow flies far. See^^here be all the pleafurea 
That fancy can beget on youthful thougbtt • • 
And firft behold this cordial julep here. 
That flames arfd dances in his chryftal bounds* 

Lady. Know, bafe deluder, that I- will not taflc Jt« 
Seep thy detefted gifts for fuch as thefe* 

{Foints to bis crew* 
Camus, Why ihould yoube fi> cruel to yourfelf. 
And to thofe dainty limbs, which Nature lent i 
For gentle ufage and foft delicacy ? 
That have been tired all day without repaft» 
And timely reft have wanted. But, fair vi^gin^. 
This will reftore all foon. 

Za^. 'Twill noty falfe traitor ! 
'Twill not Teftore the truth and honefly 
That thou haft banifiiM from thy tongue with lies* 
Was this the cottage and the fafe. abode 
Thou told^ft me of? Hence witk thy brew'd eQchant- 

Were it a draught for Junp when flie banquets, 
I would not tafte thy treasonous offer— None, 
fiut fuch as are good men, can give good things ) - 
And that which is not good is not delicious 
To a welPgovernM, and wife appetite.^ 
Shall I go on ? or have I faid. enough ? 

Comus, £nough to ftiew 
That you are cheated by the lying,l2bafts • ■ 
Of ihirving pedants, that afftft a fame 
From fcorniog pleafures which they cannot reach;^- 

Euphrofyne^ff^j *." 
Preach not to me your mufty rules. 

Ye drones that mould in idle cell y . 
The heart is wifer than the fchools. 

The fenfes always reafon well. 
If ftiort mf fpan,i I lefs can fparc 

To pafs a iingle. pleafure by ; 
Am hour is long, if loft in care : , 
They only- live who life enjoy, 

Kvti' Ctm»f, 

; Sang^^y.CMttOt) arnow f^ormcd at C4»KBt-gndtn theatre,^ 

tiS CDMW5. ^A il» 

Comuj. Lift, lady j be not coy, and be not cozened 
With that fame vaunted name virginity. 
What need a vermeil tinftur'd lip for that, 
Love 'darting eyes, or treffcs like the morn ? 
There was another meaning in thcfe gifts ; 
Think what, and be advisM : you are biit young yet j 
This will inform you foon. 

One fip of this will bathe the drooping ^itits in delight^ 
Beyond the blifs of dreams. Be wife and tafte. 

[The Brothers rujb in wiAfooords drawn^ wrefl 
the glafs out of bis band^jand brenk^it againfl tbr 
ground ; his Rout make Jigns of re/tftanee^ buf 
are all driven off. 

Enter the Firjl Spirit. 
What, have you let the falfe enchanter 'fcape ? 
O, ye miftook ! you fhould have fnatchM his Wand- 
And bound him faft ; without his rod reversed, 
We cannot free the lady, that fits here 
In flony fetters fix^d and motionlefs^ 
Yet fhiy, be hot difturbM ^ now I bethink me,- 
There is a gentle nymph not far from hence, 
Sabrina is her name, a virgin pure. 
That fways the Severn ilream \ (he can unlock 
The clafping charm, and thaw the numbing fpel^< 
If (he be rigjbt invoked.- 

Sabrina fair, 
Liften where thou art fitting^ 
Under the gla^,' cool, traniluceat wave-^- 
Liden for dear honour's lake, 
Goddefs of the filver lake, 

Lifien and fave*- 

Sabrifia: rifes andJUigu 
By the rtiihy fringed bank. 
Where grows the willow and the ofier daal^ 

My Hiding chariot ftays. 
Thick fet with agate, and the aamse iheeni 
Of turkis blue and emVald green,. 

That in the channel flrays. 
Crentlc Twain, at thy requeft, 

I am h«re» 


MIL ooMVfr 32) 

Firft Sfirif. 

Goddefs dear, 
Wt Implore thy powerful hand 
To undo the charmed band 

Of true virgin here diftrefkM, 
Throiigh the force and through the wile 
Of unblefsM enchanter vile. 


Sah. Shephejd, ^tis my office heft 

To help enfnared chaftity. 
Brighteft lady, look on me : 

Thus I fprinkle on thy bread 
Drops, that from the fountain pure 
I have kept, of precious curej 
Thrice upon thy finger's tip, 
Thrice upon thy rubyM 1^ ; 
Next this marble venom'd feat. 
Smear M 'with gums of glutinous heat, 
I touch with chaile palms moid and cold : 
f^QVf the fpell hath lod hi»hold y 
And I muft hade e'er morning-hour^ 
To wait in Amphitrite's bower. 
[^Sabrina defcendsy and ibe Lady rifes out ofbtrfeafy 
the Brothers- embrace her tenderly. 

T. Bro. Why did I doubt > Why tempt the wrath rf 
To died jud vengeance on my weak didrud ? 

E, Bro. The freedom of the mind, you fee, no charn^ 
No fpell, can reach ', that righteous Jove forbids^ 
Led man diould call his frail divinity 
Theflave of evil orthe fport of chance. 
Inform us, Thyrlis, if for this thine aid 
Wc aught can pay that equals thy defert. 

Firfl Spirit dtfcovering himfelj\ 
Fay it to heaven ! There my manfion is : 
But when a mortal, favour'd of high Jove, 
Chances to pafs through yon adventurous glade^ 
Swift as the fparkle.of a glancing dar 
I (hoot front heav'n to give him fafe convoyt 

Now my talk is fmoothly done^ 

I can dy or I can run^ 


•^ I 

^3^ C9Mt75#* AO-W' 

Quicl^y to ttc green earth's end, 

Where the bowM Wdkihjlow doth bend y 

And from thence 'can foar as fboQ 

To the corners of the moon. 

Mortals, that woujd follow me. 

Love viFtue, (he alone is free : 

She can teach you how to climb 

Higher than the fpfaery chime j-^ 

Or, if virtue feeble were, 

Heaven itfelf would Hoop, to her,'. 


'■g^— *»»■»— ^"^^i^lW 



O R A T O R & 

IN TBKBB acts; 


Wr SAMUEL F00r£^ ^f. 




HayMariHt 17^. 


rMr. Foote. | 

Mr» Foote. 

Mr. Wcfton. 

Mr. Weftoir. 

Mr. M* George. 

Mr. Pynn. 

Mr. Qttiiu 

Mr. Qaick« 

,Mr. BanniAer. 

Mr. Baimiilcrw 

Mr. WUliams. 

Mr, Davit* 

.Mrr YouBg. 

Mr. JLoveman. 


Mr. Booth. ^ 

Mr. Caftle. 


Mr. Palmer. 

Mr. Palmer. 

Mr. KickhilL 

Mr. Strange. 

Mr. Somineri. 

Mr. Smith* 

Mr. Pcarc6« 

Mr. Pearce. 
Mr. Keen. 


Mr. Gardiner. 


Mr. NewtoD, 


^ Mr. Shttter. 


Enter Will Tirehack. and llMJct Scampir, bo*ted^ 
with whips in their hands f into ajide^box* 

ScABfPBR. ' 

PsBA ! zounds ! ^ prith«e, WiH, let us ge y what fij^nl* 
fi e»*our- da^^iBg her©-? 
Cr^i Nay, but tarry a little > befideii, you know wc 
promisM to give Poll ^aylcfs an4 Bett Skinner ^the 
meetings / 


aj® "W^ ORATORS, jtB /. 

Scam, No matter, we (hall be fare to find tliem at 
three at the Shakefpeare* 

Tire* But as we are here, Harry, let us know a little 
what *tis about ? 

Scam. About I Why leiftnres,. you ibol ! Have not 
yoH read the bills j and we have plenty of them at Ox- 
ford, you know ? 

Tire. Well* but for all that, there may be fun. 

Scam. Why then, ftay and enjoy it yourfelf j. and 111 
flep to the Bull aivd Gate^ and call upon Jerry Lack- 
Latin and my horfe. We (hall fee you at three > 


Tire. Nay, but, prithee^ flay,. 

Scam. Rot me if I do, {Cifing out (^tbe box* 

Tire. Haloo, Harry j Harry- 

Scam. Well, what's the matter now ? {Returning* 

Tire. Here's PoE Baylefs juft come into the gallery^ 

Scam. No- ji - ■ 

Tire. She is, by * 

Scam, (Jooking,) Yes, fakh ! it is (he, fare enough—— 
How goes it. Poll ? 

Tire. Well, now, we (halt have you, I hope ? 

Scant. Ay, if I thought we (hould get any fun. 

Tire, I'll make an iaquiuy* . H^loo ! fnuffers, fnuflfers J 

Caadie-Sn^fer. Your plevTure) 3ir ? 

Tire. What is all thi» bufincis about here.! 

Snuf. Can't fey, Sir. 

Scam. Well, but you could if you would, let us into 
the (ecset. 

Snuf. Not I, upon my honour! 

Tire* Your honour,, you. (on of a whore ! D'ye h.ear^ 
bid your mailer come hither^ we want to aik hfm a; 
queftion ? J ' / 

Smtf. I will • ~ ~ [£^foV 

Tire. Scamper,, will you aflt him^, or (hall I ? 
■ Seam-. ' Let me alone to hi m i ■ ^ "^- 

' Enter Yoott. 

Tire, O ! here he isr»-^-**» 

J(90i^^ Y(M]jr coq»i|i$i|nd& wi^h mtf/gentleoaen ? 

Scam.. Why, you muil kxM)W Wi£L apd I here are upon 

' ft'iclteme- 


fcheme from Oxford \ and becaufe ^a(h begins to tun 
low — ^How much have you, Will ? 

Tire. Three-and-twenty (hillings^ befides the cxown 
J paid at the door. 

'■ Scam* And I eighteen. Now, as this will lail us but 
to-night, we are willing to hu(band our time \ let us fee» 
Will, how are we engagM ? 

Tire. Why at three, with Bett and Poll, there at th« 
Shakefpeate^ after that to the Coronation > ton you know 
we have feen it but nine times 

Scam. And then back to the Shakefpeare again} wher» 
we fup, and take horfe at the door. 

Tire. So there's no time to be loft, you fee ^ we de*> 
fire, therefore, to know what fort of a thing this afiair 
here of yours is ? What^ is it damnM funny and comu 

Foote. Have you not feen the bills ? 

Scam. What, about the ledures 1 ay, but that^s aB 
fiang, I fuppofe ) no, no. No tricks upon travellers ^ no^ 
we know better— What, are there any more of you^ or 
do you do it all yourfelf ? ^ 

Foote. If I was in want of comedians, you, gentlemen^ 
are kind enough to lend me a lift ; but, upon my. word* 
my intentions, as the bill will inform you, are ferious~ 

Tire. Are they ? then 1^11 have my money agaiq. 
What, do you think We came to London to learn any 
thing r— Come, WUL [Going. 

Foote. H(dd, gentlemen, I would detain you, if pot 
Sble* What is it you esqsed ? 
' Seam^ To be jolly, and laugh„ to be fure ■ ■ 

Foote. At what \ 

Tire. At j;rhat— damme, I don^t know-— at you^ ani 
your frolics and fancies ■ 

Foote. If that is all your defire ! why, perhaps we 
(han't difappoint you— 

Scam. Shan't ygu— why, that is an honeft fellow-*, 
come, begin 

Foote. But ydu'll be fo kind as not to interrupt me 9 
^ Scam. Never fear- 

Foote. Ladies and gentlemen ■ » * 

[Sudsyr©iw the opfofite box calls to Foote} undjiopt 
bipijhor^* "• 




Suds. Stop a minute j may I be permitted to fpeak • 

Foo/A Doubtlefs, Si r ■ 

Suds. Why, the zfkix is this. My wife Alice — ^for 
you mud know my name is Ephraim Suds, I am a foap* 
boiler in the city, — ^took it into her head, and nothing 
«vould ferve her turn but that I mull be a common 
councilman this year 5 for, fays Alice, fays (he, it is the 
onlieft way to rife in the world. 

Foote. A juft obfervation— you -fucceeded ? 

Suds* Oh ! there was no danger of that — yes, yfe, I 
got it all hollow \ but now to come to the marrow of 
the buiinefs. Well, Alice, fays I, now I anv chofen^ 
what's next to be done ? " Why now, fays Alice, fays 
<' (he, thee mud learn to make fpeeches ^ why dofl not 
*^ fee what'.purferment "neighbour Grogram ha« got} 
^' why man, 'tis all brought about by his fpeechifyiog* 
^< I tell thee what, Ephraim, if thou cand but once learn 
'^ to lay down the law, there's no knowing to what thee 
« may'd rife— »> 

Footi. Your lady had reafon. 

Suds. Why, I thought fo too ^ and, as good luck 
wo.uld have it, who (hould come into the city, in the 
very nick of time, but mader profejQTor along with his 
ledures*— Adod, away in a borxy, Alice and I danced 
to Pewtcrer*^s Hall. 

Foote. You improv'd, I hope ^ 

Suds. O Lud ! it is unknown what knowledge we 
jot ! We can rtad-^^-Oh! we never dop to fpell a word^ 
now— And then he told us fuch thiogs about verbs, and 
nouns, and adverbs, that never entered our heads be* 
fore, and emphafis, and accent ; heav'n'bleis us, I did 
not think there had been fuch things in the worlds 

Foote. And have you fpecchify'd yet ? 

Suds. Soft ; foft and fair \ we mu<d walk before we 
can run— I think I have laid a pretty foundation. The 
Manfion-hoafe was not built in> a day^ Mader Foote. 
But to go on with my tale, my dame one day looking 
6ver the papers, came running to me ^ now, Ephraim, 
fays £h^, thy bufinefs is done \ rare news, ladj here is a 
^nan at the other end of the town that will make thee a 
fpeecher at once, and out, (he puU'd your propofals^ Ah, 
Alice, fays I, thee bc'd but a fool > why, I kaow that 



man, he is all upon his fun ^ he lecture !— ^whji *tis all 
but a bam — Well^ 'tis but feeing, fays (he ^ fo. wolens 
nolens, ihe would have me come hither : now, if fb b« 
you be ferious, I ihall think my money wifely beftowM ; 
but if it be only youj^ comical works, I can tell you, you 
ihaU fee me no more. 

Foote, Sir, I ihould be extremely forry to lofe you, if 
I knew but what would content you. 

Suds, Why, I want to be made an orator on \ and to 
(peak fpeeches, as I tell you, at our meetings, about po- 
' £tics, and peace, and addreflesy and the new bridge, and 
all them kind of things. 

Foote. Why, with your happy talents I (hould think 
much might be done. 

Sudr, I am proud to hear you fay fo, indeed I am. I 
£d fpeechify once at a veflry concerning new -lettering 
the church-buckets, and came off cutely enough j and^ 
to fay the truth, that was the thing that provok'd me to 
(oto Pewterer's HalL [Sirs dawm agMVt. 

Foote. Well, Sir, I flatter myfelf, that in proportion 
to the difference of abilities in your two inftru£lor8, you 
vUl here make a tolerable progrefs. But now, Sir, with 
your favour, we will proceed to explain the nature of our 
defign ^ and, I hope, in the procefs, you gentlemen wiU 
find entertainmenty and you,^ Sir; information. / 
Mr, Foote tbsnpreeeeds in bis UBure, 

My plan, gentlemen, is to be confidered as a (uper- 
ftrufture on that admirable foundation laid by the mo« 
dem profeffor of Engliih, both our labours tending to the 
£ime general end, the perfedioning of our countrymen 
in a ino{l effential article, the right ufe of their native 
language. The £nglifli Orators are to be divided into 
four di(lin6^ daffes, the pulpit, the fenate, the bar, and 
the ftage : with the firft of thefe branches, the pulpit, I 
(hanH interfere \ and, indeed, (b few people now of Gon« 
fequence and coniideration frequent the churches, that 
the art is fcarce worth cultivation. ^ The bar— — 

Scam^ P(ha ! there^s enough of this dull profing \ come, 
give us a Bttle of ibmething that's funny \ you talked 
about pupils *, could not we fee them ? 

FoQte. R.ather too precipitate, Sir; but, however, in 
(bme meaiure to fatisfy you> and demonftate the fucceia 

2^6 TH£ OlUtpRS. ^Si I^ 

of our fcbeme; give me leave to introduce to you a mod 
extraordinary indance, iu tbe perfon.of a young High- 
lander. It Is not altogether a year iince this aAoniihing 
fubje£l fpoke nothxAg but Erfe^ EncouragM by the 
prodigies of my brother profeffor's ikill, whofe ittms, 
like the Chevalier Taylor's, pierces the remoteft regions, 
his relations were tempted to fend this young genius to 
Edinburgh 5 where he went through a regular courft. 
of the profeilbr's le^ures, to finifh hb iiudies 'y he hat 
been about fix weeks under my care, and> confidering 
the time, I think you will be amaz'd at his progreiis^ 
Donald ? 

Enier Donalds 

I)on, What's yer wull, Sir ? 

Fpou, Will you give thefe kdiot tnd gentlemen a 
proof of your ikill. 

Dott» Ah, ye wad ha' afpecuncfi of my oratosical art ? 

Jb<?/^. If you pleafe* 

Don, la gude troth on ye fal.^ will ye gi me k to* 
pic ? 

Foftie. Q, chpofe for yourfelf. 

X)on» It's aw one to X>onald, ^ 

PoaU, What think you of ja fiiott paaegyiic on. tihe 
fcienoe we are treating of ? 

Don, Qn oratory I Wl* 9^ my heart. 

Faoie. Mind' your adion } let that accompany youi: 
wordl ■ ■ . 

Don, Dunna heed, mam— ^.The topic I peefum €6 
faaundle, is the miraeulouB giii^ of an orator, wha^ hy 
the bare power of his «^ords, leads men, women, an4 
bairns as he lift a ■ ■■ " ■ 

Scam* And who I 

Don, (jari/y*) Mfin> women, and bairns. 

Seam. Bairns i who are they > 

Foafe^ Oh, children^, his meaning is obvious enough* 
. Don, Ay, ay 5 men, women, and bairns, wherever he 
lifts. And firil for the antiquity of the art-— Ken ye, 
my. lads, wha was the iiril orator f-^Mkyhap, ye think 
it was Tully the Latinill ? ye are wide o' the mark : Or 
Demofthenes the Greek? In gude troth, ye're as faraff* 
as before— • Wha was, it then > It was eVnj that arch 
chiei the Deevil himfel~»--i 


• S^m. (hq/hVy.) Tke devil it was ; how do jou prove 

Dofi. Gods zouns, men, ye br^ke the thxid of my 
harang'y an ye^ll but had .your tongue, ITe prove it ad 
plain as a pike-ftafT. 

Tire, Be quiet, Will, and let him go on. 
Don. I fay. it was that ar-ch chiel, the deevil himfel. 
Ye ken weel, my lads, how Adam and Eve were plant- 
ed in Eden, wi plenty o' bannocks and kail, and aw 
that they wiihed; but were prohibited the eating of pe- 
pin s 

Scam, Apple s ■ " 

Don, Weel, weel, and are na pepins and apples aW 
the fame thing ? 

Fooie, Nay, pray, gentlemen, hear him out. Go on 
with your pepins.- 

Don, Prohibited the eating of pepins ; upon which, 
what does me the orator Satan, but he whifpers a faft 
fpeech in her lug ; egad, our grannum fell to in an in^ 
ilant, and eat a pepin without ftaying to pare it-^~(/^</> 
drejfes himfelf to the Oxonians^ Ken ye, lads, wha was 
the fix ft orator" now ? 

' Tire, {to Scamper.) What fay you to that ? 
^am. By pay foul, the fellow's right— 
Don, Ay, but ye wau'na ha' patience-^ye wan*na ha* 
patience, lad s ■ 

Tire, Hold your jaw, and go on- 
Don, Now, we come to the definition of an orator : 
and it is from the Latin words, orOy orare^ to intreat, ox* 
perfwad^ and how^ ? by the means o' elocution or argu- 
mentt. which argument confifts o' letters, which letters 
join'd, mak fyllables, which fyllables compounded, mak 
words, which words combined, mak fentences, or periods, 
or which aw together mak an orator \ fo the firft gift of 
■an orator is Words—— 

Scam, Here, Donald, you are but. 
Don, How fo ?• 

Scam, Words the fir ft gift of at) orator ! No, Donald^ 
no, at fchool I leam'd 'better than that : Do'ft not re-» 
member. Will, what is the firft perfedion of an orator ? 
adiion ? the fecondj a£Uon > the third, a£tioQ* 

- Tzrt, 


roully, vrickcdly, and wilfully, by certain tbumpingSy 
knockings, fcratchings, and flutterings, againil doors, 
walls, wainfcots, bed-fteads, and bed-poiis, diilurb, an- 
noy, aflault, and terrify divers innocent, ino£feniivey 
barmlefs, quiet, fimple people, reading in, at, near, ot 
about the. (aid Cock-lane, and elfewhere, in the faid 
county of Middlefex, to the great prejudice of faid peo-* 
|)1e in faid county. How fay you ? Guilty, or— — 

Coun, (^ flops the Clerk Jhort!) May itpleafe your w(m> 
Ihip— -hem— >I am counfel in this caufe for the ghoft-— 
hem-*and before I can permit her to plead, I have an 
obje6tioh to make, that is — ^hem— I ihall obje£k to bet 
pleading at all. — Hem — It is the (landing law of this 
country — ^hem— -and has «— hem— ^always' been fo allow'd> 
deemM, and pra6^isM, that—- hem— -all criminals (hould 
be tryM per pares ^ by their equals— hem— that is— -hem 
•—by a jury of equal rank with themfelves. Now, if this 
be the cafe, as the cafe it is, I — ^hem — I (hould be glad 
to know how my client can be tryM in this here man- 
ner. And firft, who is my client ? She is in the indift- 
ment call'd a phantomy a gh^. What is a ghoft ? a 
fplrit. What is a fpirit ? a fpirit is a thing that exifts 
independently of, and is fuperior to, fle(h and blood. 
And can any man go for to think, that I can advife my 
client to fubmit t.o be try'd by people of an inferior rank 
to herfclf ? certainly ne— I therefore humbly move to 
quaQ\ this indi^lment, unlefs 9 jury of ghofts be fir(l had 
and obtainM^ unlefs a jury of ghofts be fird had and ob^ 
tainM. \Sits down^ 

Sefj. I am in this caufe counfel againft Fanny Phan* 
torn the gh©ft— -eh, — and notwithdrnding the rule laid 
down by Mr, Profequi be — eh— right in the main, yet 
here it can't avail his client a whit. We allow — eh — 
we tio allow, pleafe your worlhip, that Fanny quoad 
Phantom eh- ■■■ h ad originally a right to a jury of 
ghdfts ; but— eh — if (he did, by an a6t of her own, 
•forfeit this right, her plea cannot be admitted. Now, 
we can prove, pleafe your wor(hip, . prove by a cloud of 
i^itnefTes, that faid Fanny did, as fpecified in the in- 
diftment, fcratch, knock, and flutter,' » eh ' w hich 
fiiid fcratchings, knockings, and flutterings.^eh«^being 

% opera* 

^B 7/. THE ORATORS. 24 £ 

Operations, merely peculiar to flefti, blood, and body— 
*«h— we do hiimbly apprehen d ' eh that by con- 
defcending to execute the- aforefaid operations, ihe has 
way'd her privilege as a ghoft, and may be try'd in :the 
ordii¥ary form, acd^prdingto the flatute {o made and pro- 
'vided in th« reign if, &c, &c. &c. 
Your worihip's opinion. 
♦ J'tre, Smoke the juftice jhc is as fall as a churcli. 
Scam, I fancy he has touchM the tankard too much 
•*his morning^ he'll know a good deal of what they have 
been faying, 

Juft, (is awaked by the Clerk y who tells him they have 
J>leaded.^ Why the objedtion ■ oh— 'brought by 
Mr.Profequi, xs-^wh^pers the Clerk^ doubtlefs provifion- 
ally a valid objedion \ but then, if the culprit has, by an 
aft of her own, defeated her privilege, as affertcd in Mr. 
Serjeant's replication, we conceive £he may be legally 
try'd — oh — Befides — oh — Befides, J, I, I, can't well 
fee how we could impannel a jury of ghofls; or — oh — 
liow twelve fpirits, who have no body at all, can be faid 
to take a corporal oath, as requir'd by law— ^uivlefs, in- 
deed, a« in cafe of the peerage, th'eprifoner may be try'd 
on their honour. 

Court, Your wor(hip*s diftindlion is juft ; knockings, 
fcratchings, &c. as aflerted by Mr. Sergeant. 

Serj, Afferted — Sir, d^ you doubt my inftruftlons ? 

Coun. No interruptions, if you pleafe, Mr. Serjeant j 
I fay, as afferted \ but can affertions be admitted as 
proofs ? certainly no 

Serj, Our evidence is ready — «-— 

Coun, To that we objedl, to that we objeft, as it will 
-anticipate the merits-: — your worfhip 

Serj, Your worfhip— 

*jufl. Why, as you impeach the ghoft 's privilege, you 
.^nuft produce proofs of her fcratchings. 

Serj* Call Shadrach Bodkin. 

Clerk, Shadrach Bodkin, pome into court. 

Knter Bodkin. 

Serj, Pray, Mr. Bodkin, where do you live ? 

^od, I fojourn in Lukener's-lane» 

Serj,. What is your profeflion ? 

Btd, I am a teacher of the word, and a taylor* 

Vol. IV. L Scam. 


24^ VBR OKATOILS. ^3 /f. 

Scam. Zounds, Will, it is a Methodift. 

Tire, No furc ! 

Scam. By the lord Harry, it is. 

C/eri. Silence. 

Sety, Do jou know any thing c£ Fanny the Phan* 
torn ? 

Bod. Yea^I do. 

Serj\ Can you give any account of her thumpings, 
icratchings, and flutterings I 

Bod. Yea manifold have been the fcratchingsand 
knockings that I have heard. 

Ser/. Name the times. . 

Bod. I have attended the ipirit Fanny from the firft 
day of her flutterings, even to the laft fcratch that flie 

Serf. How long may that be : 

Bod. Five weeks did (he flutter, and fix weeks did (he 

Scam. Six weeks— —Damn it, I wonder flie did not 
vvear out her nails. 

C/erk, Silence. 

Serf. I hope the court is convinced. 

Coun. Hold, Mafler Bodkin, you and I muft have a 
little difcourfe. A taylor, ydu fay. Do you work at 
your bufinefs ? 

Bod No— - 

Coun. Look upon me, look upon the court Then 
your prcfcnt trade is your teaching ? 

Bod. It is no trade 

Coun. What is it then, a calling ? 

Bod. No, it is no calling-^it is rather— as I may faj 
»-a forcing, a compelling- 

Coun. By whom ? 

B'od. By the fpirit that is within me- 

Scam. It is jan evil fpirit, I believe *, and needs muft 
when the devil drives, you know, Will* 

Tire. Right, Harry 

Cou/i. When did you firft feel thefe ipirit ual motions! 

Bod. In the town of Norwich, where 1 was born. 
One day, as I was fitting crofs-legged on my fhop-boardij 
new-feating a pair of cloth breeches of Mr. Alderman 
Grape V^ - 1 felt the fpirit within me, amoving uptcards 



and downwards, and this way and that way, and turn- 
Ming and jumbling At firft I thought it was the co- 

Courts And how arc you certain it was not ? 

Bod. At laft I heard a voice whifpering within me, 
crying Shadrach, Shadrach, Shadrach, caft away th« 
things that belong to thee, thy thimble and fbeers, and 
do the things that I bid thee. 

Coun, And you did ^ 

Bod, Yea, verily, 

"Coun. I think I have heard a little of yod, Mafter 
Bodkin : and fo you quitted your bufine{S| your wtfe^ 
and your children. 

Bod. I did. 

Coun. You did-«But then you communM with other 
men's wives ? 

Bod, Yea, and with widows and with maidens. 

Coun. How came that about, Shadrach ? 

Bod, I was doved thereunto by the fpirit. 

Coun. I (hould rather think by the fie(h-— I have been 
told, friend Bodkin, that twelve becamb pregnant-^— « 

Bod. Thou art deceived— they were barely but nine* 

Coun. Why, this was an adive fpirit 

Serj\ But to the point, Mr. Profcqui. 

Coun. Well, then — ^you fay you have heard thofc 
fcratchings and knockings ? 

Bod. Yea . 

Coun. But why did you think they came from a fpi« 
rit ? 

Bod. Becaufe the very fame thumps, fcratches, and 
knocks, I have felt on my breaft-bone from the fpirit 
within me— — 

Coun. And thefe noifes you are fure you heard on the 
£rft day of January ? 

Bod, Certain 

Serj, But to what do all thofc intcrrbgaitories tend ? " 

Coun. To. a mod material purpofe. Your ^orihip ob- 
ferves, that Bodkin is politive as to the noifes made on 
the firft day of January by Fanny the Phantom : now if 
we can prove an alibi, that is, that, on that very day, 
at that very timts, the faid Fanmy was fcratching and 
fiutiering any where clfe, we apprehend ttat we dcftroy 

TuZ the 

344 '^^ ORATORS. J^ If^ 

the credit of this witnefs — Call Peter Paragraph. 

C/erk, Peter Paragraph, come into court. 

Coun. Thii gentleman is. an eminent printer, and has 
collcdled, for the public information, every particular re- 
lative to this remarkable dory ^ out as he has the misfor- 
tune to hava but one leg, your worfiiip will indulge him 
in the ufe of a chair. 

CUrk. Peter Paragraph, come into court. 

i:«/^r Paragraph. - 

Coua, Pray, Mr. Paragraph, where was you bom ? 

Far, Sir, I am a native of Ireland, and born and bred 
in the city of Dublin. 

Court, When did you arrive in the city of London ? 

Par, About the lail autumnal equinox ; and now I 
.recoiled, my journal makes mention of my departure for 
England, in the Befhorough packet, Friday, Odlober 
:the tenth, N. S. or new ftyle. 

Coun. Oh, then the journal is yours ? 

Par. Pleafe your worftiip, it is j and relating thereto 
I believe I can give you a pleafing conceit— -Lafl week 
I went to viiit a peer, for I know peers, ^nd peers knov) 
one. Quoth his lordihip to me, Mr. Paragraph, with rc- 
ipe6l to your journal, I would wifh that your paper was 
whiter, or your ink blacker. Quoth I to the peer, by- 
way of repfy^ I hope you will own there is enough for 
the money : His lordihip was pleafed to laugh. It was 
luch a pretty repartee, he, he, he, he 

Jtifl, Pray, Mr. Paragraph, what might be your bufi- 
nefs in England ? 

Par, Hem — a little love-aifair, pleafe your worftup. 

Coun, A wife, I fuppof e ■ 

Par, Something tending that way ; even fo long ago 
as January i73^-40» there paft fome amorous glances 
between us : ftie is the daughter of old Vamp of the 
TurnlHle ) but at that time I ftifled my patfion, Mrs. 
Paragraph being then in the land of the living. 

Coun, She is now dead. 

Par, Three years and^three quarters, pleafe your wor- 
(liip : we were esceediug happy together } Ihe was indeed 
,<a little apt \q be jealous. 

Coun, No wonder 

J^^r. Yesj th^y can't help it, poor fouls ) but not* 


JS^ i/. TMt ORATORS. 2^;^- 

witbftanding, at her death I gave her a prodigious good 
character in my journal. 

Coutt* And how proceeds the prefent affair \ 
Par. Jull now we are quite at a ftand ■ 
Coun. How fo ? 

Far, The old fcoundrcl her father has playM me a (lip- 
pery trick.r 
Coun. Indeed ! 

Har. As he could give tto money in hand, I agreed to 
take htv fortune in copies, I was to have The Wits Vade 
Mecum entire; four hundred of News from the Invifible 
World, in (beets ^ all that remained of Glanvil upon 
Witches ^ HilPs Bees, Bardana*, Brewing, and Ballam^ 
of Honey; and three-eighths of Robinfpn Crufoe. 

Coun, A pretty fortune ! 

Par, Yes; they are things that ftir in the trade; but 
jou TDAjJSi know that we agreed to go halves in Fanny 
the Phantom. But whilft I and two authors^ whom I 
liad hirM to aik queftions, at nine (hillings a-night, were 
taking notes of the knockings at the houfe of Mr. Par- 
ens himfelf, that old rafcal Vamp had privately printed 
©ff a thoufand eighteen -penny fcratchings, purchafed of 
two Methodift preachers^ at the public houfe over the 
way— — 

Coun, Now we come to the point-:— look upon this 
evidence ; was he prefent at Mr. Parfon's knockings > 

Par, Never ; this u one of the rifcally Mcthodifts— 
Harkee, fellow, how could you be fuch a fcoundrel to 
fell for genuine your counterfeit fcratchings to Vamp ? 

Bod, My fcratchings we^c the true fcratching s 

Par, Why, you lying fon of a whore, did not I buy 
all my materials from the girPs father himfelf ? 

Be J, What the fpirit' commanded, that did L 

Par. What fpirit ? 

Bod, The fpirit within me 

Par, If I could but get ^t you, I would foon try what 
fort of a fpirit it is — ftop, you vi llain. \^Exit Bodkin. 
The rogue has made his efcape— rbut I will dog him to 
find out his haunts, and then return for a warrant — His 
fcratchings ! a fcoundrel; I will have juftice, or I'll tura 
his tabernacle into a pigflye* [^Exu Paragraph, 

L 3 Coun^ 

046 THl OltATORS. ABII. 

Courts I hope, pleafc your worfhip, we have lufHciently 
cflablifhed our alibi, 

Jttft. You are unqueflionablj entitled to a jurj of 

Coun. Mr. Serjeant, you "will provide us a lift f 

Serj^ Let us feer— you haye no obje^ion to Sir George 
Villars; the evil genius of Brutus ) the ghoft of Banquojf 
Mrs. Veal. 

Coun. We obie6^ to a woman — ^your worfhip 

Ji{fi. Why, It is not the pra6tice ; this, it muft be 
own'd, is an extraordinary cafe. But, however, if, on 
convidion, the Phantom (hould plead pregnancy, Mrs. 
Veal will be admitted on the jury of matrons. 

S€rj\ I thank your worfhip : then the court is adjourn* 

[Terence and Dermot in an upper Box*. 

Ter, By my (houl, but I will fpake. 

Den Arrah, be quiet, Terence. 

Ten Dibble burn me, but I will : hut, hut, not fpake ! 
what fliould ail me ? Hark you, Mr. Juflice 

Scam. Hollo, what's the matter now, Will ^ 

Den Leave off, honey Terence, now you are well— ^ 

Ter, Dermot, be eafy 
* Scam. Hear him i 

Tire, Hear him — — 

Ter, Ay, hear him, hear him j why, the matter is this, 
Mr. J u (lice, that little hopping fellow there, that Dub- 
lin-journal man is as great a liar as ever was born— - 

Tire. How fo ? 

Tef"* Ay, prithee don't bodder me j what, d'ye learn 
r.Q more manners at Ox ford -college, than to Aop a jou- 
tleman in the midi^ of his fpeech before he begins P oh, 
for (hame of yourfelf; — Why, the matter is this, Mr. Ju- 
iHce : That there, what the debble d'ye call him, Pra- 
Praragraf J but, by my (houl, that is none of his name 
neither, I know the little baftard as well as myfclf 5 as 
to Fanny the Phantom, long life to the poor jontlewo- 
man, he knows no more of her than the mother who bore 

Suds, Indeed ! good Lord, you furprife me ! 

TV/-. Arrah, now, honey Suds, fpake when you ati^ 



Jpoke to J you ar'n't upon the jury, my jewel, now \ by 
my fhoul, you are a little too. hx for a ghoft. 

Hire. Prithee, friend Ephraim, let him go on : let's 
hear a little what he would be a t 

TVr. I fay, he knows nothing about the caiethat is 
litigated here, d'ye fee, at all, at all^ becaufe why, I 
haunt ha been from Dublin above four weekj, or a 
month, and I faw him in his ihop every day ; fo that 
how could he be here and there too ? unlefs, indeed, hQ 
ufed to Hy backwards and forwards, aj^d that, you fee, \% 
impoflible, becaufe why he has got a wooden leg* 

Scam, What the devil is the fellow about ? 

TiW. I fmoke him — Harkee, Terence, who do youi 
take that lame man to be ? 

Ter. Oh, my jewel, I know him well enough fure by 
his parfon, for all he thought to conceal himfelf by chaa* 
ging his nam e 

Scam,- Why, it is Foote, you fooL 

Ter. Arrah, who ? 

Tire, Foote« 

Ter, Fot, what the leflure-man, Pa« 

Tire, Yes, 

Ter, Arrah, be eafy, honey- 

Scam, Nay, inquire of Suds. 

Suds, Truly I am minded 'twas he. 

Ter, Your humble fervant yourfelf, Mr, Suds^ bymjT 
ihoul, PU wager you three thirteeUs to a rap, that it is 
BO fuch matter at all, at all. 

Scam, Done— and be judged by the company. 

Ter, Done — I'll aik the orator himfelf — here he 
comes. {Enter Foote.) Harkee, honey Fot, was it your- 
felf that was happing about here but now ? 

Foote, 1 have heard your debate,, and mufl give judg- 
ment againft you 

Ter, What yourfelf, yourfelf! 

Foote, It was— 

Ter, Then, faith, I have loft my Airtieens— Arrah^ 
but, Fot, my jewel, why are you after pJaying fuch pranks 
to bring an honed jontleman into company where he is 
nat— — But what, is this felling of Icdures a thriving; 
profeffion > 

L 4 iW» 

Foote. I can't determine as yet 5 tlie public have beeii> 
Tcry indulgent j I hare not long openM. 

Ten By my (houl if it anfwers, will you be my pupil^ 
and learn m6 the trade ? 

foote. Willingly—— 

TV/*. That's an honed fellow 5 long life to you, lad. 

[vfi/j* doivnm. 

Foote, Having thus completed' our leftiire on the elo- 
quence peculiar to the bar, we (hall produce one great 
^oup of orators, in which will be exhibited fpecimens- 
or every bi anch of the art. You will have, at one view, 
the choleric, the' placid, the voluWe, the frigid, the fro- 
thy, the turgid, the calm^ and the clamorous ^ and, as 
a proof of our exquifite {kill, our fubjedls are not iuch 
as a regular education has prepared for the reception o£ 
this iublime fdence, but a fet of illitetate mechanics^ 
whom you are to fuppofe afiembled at the Robin Hood, 
in the Butcher^row, in order to difcufs and adjull the- 
various fyilems of Europe, but particularly to determine 
the feparate intereft of their own mother-country. 


Sc^NEy The Robin-flood. 

The PassipENT. 

D^nnot O'Drohcda, a Chairman \ Tom Twift, a Taylor^. 

Strap^ a Shoemaker j Anvil, a Smith •, Sam Slaughter, 

a 5«/c/j^r i Catchpole, a Bailiff * All with pewter' pots-. 

before them* 

Piles iD£NT. 

Silence, gentlemen j are your pots repleniihed with por* 


jilL Full, Mr. Prefident. 

l^ref. We wi^ll then proceed to the bufinefs of the day ^ 
and let me beg, gentlemen, that you will, in your de- 
bates, pr«ferve that decency and decorum that is due to 
the importance of your deliberations, and the dignity of 
this illuf):rious aflcmbly— 

{Gets up, pulls of his hat, and reads the motign^ 
Motion made laft Monday to be debated to-day : ^* That^ 
[^ for the future^ inftead of that vulgar potation called 
.>6 ;^.,*i^ " /<?r/i?i-, 

A6i in. tVE onATdRi. 249 

^^ porter y the honourable members miy be lupplicd with 
** a proper quantity of Irifh Ufqucbaugh* 

" Dermot O^Drobeda f his mark,'* 

O'Bro. {gets up.) That's I myfelf. • 

Fr^f. Mr. O^Droheda. 

O^Dro. Mr. Prefident, the cafe is this, . It is not be- 
caie I am any grate lover of that fanle iifquebaugh that 
I have fet my mark to the motioif^ but becaufe I did not 
think it was decent for a number of jontlemen that 
wer«, d'ye fee^ met to fettle the affairs of the nation, to- 
be guzzling a pot of porter. To be fure, the liquor is 
9 pretty fort of a liquor enough, when a man is hot with 
trotting between a couple of poles ; but this is another* 
guefs matter, becaufe why, the head i& concerned ; and 
if it was not for the mah and the haps, dibble burn me 
but I would as foon take a drink from the Thames as 
your porter. But as to ufquebaugh ^ a^h long life to the 
liquor-^it is an exhilirator of the bowels; and a ilomatic 
to the head ^ I fay, Mr^ Prefident, it invigorates, it Si- 
mulates, it-^^in fhort, it is the onliefi liquor of life, and 
no man alive will die whilft he drinks it.. 

[^Sils i/own, Twift gets up^ having n piect- (f paper^ 
containing the heads of what he/ays^ in his hat. 

Pre/. Mr. Timothy Twilh 

TwiJ. Mr. Prefident, I fecond Mr. O'Droheda's mo- 
tion J and, Sir, give me leave — I fsty, Mr. Prefident (Joohs 
in bis hat) give me leave to obferve, that, Sir, tho' it is 
impoflible to add any force to what has been advanced 
by my honourable friends in the ilraps) yet. Sir, {iaoks- 
into his bat again,) it may. Sir,. I fay, be necelFary ta 
obviate fome obje6^ions that may be made to the motion » 
And firil, it may be thought— 1 fay,* Sir, fome gentle- 
men may think, that this may prove perniciousr to our 
manufadlure— -(/ooij* in bis hat i) and the duty, doubt- 
lefs, it is of every member €>f this illuftrious affembly 
to h^e a particular eye unto that ^ but, Mr. Prefident 
—Sir — (Jooks in his hat^ is eonfufcdy and fits down,) 

Fref. Mr. Twift, O pray finiOi, Mr. .Twift. 

7wifi, {gets up,) I fay, Mr, Prefident, that, Sir, if, Sir^ 
it be confidcred that — as — I fay — (Jooksin his hat,) Ihaye^ 
Bothiog farther to fay. (Sits down^ and Strap gels up. 


Pre/: Mr. Strap. 

Strafk, Mr. Prefidcnt^ it -was not my intention to 
trouble the afiembly upon this occafion \ but when. I hear 
infinuations thrown out by gentlemen, where the iiite* 
refl of this country is fo deeply concem^d, I own I can- 
not fit filent \ and give me leave to fay. Sir, there never 
came before this aflembl^ a^ point of more importance 
than this 3 it drikes, Sic, at the very root, Sir, of your 
conftitution : for^ Sir, what does this motion imply ? it 
knplies that porter, a wholefiime, domeflic manufaf^ure, 
is to be prohibited at once. And for what. Sir ? for a 
foreign peraicious^ commodity. I had, Sir, formerly the 
honour, in conjunction with^my learned friend in the 
leather apron, to expel fherbet from amongft us, as I 
looked upon lemons as a fatal and foreign £ruit j— and 
ean it be thought. Sir, that I will fit filent to this ^ 
No, Sir, I will put my (boulders flrongly again (1 it 3 I 
n^U oppofe it manibus iotHms, Fon (hould ^is propofal 
prevail, it will not end here : , f atal, give me leave te 
lay, will> I: forefee, be the iffue ^ and I (han't be furpri^ 
fed in a few days, to hear from trhe fame quarter, a mo» 
^on for the expulfion of gin, and a premium for the im» 
portation of whiiky.. 

[^ bum of apprabation^ witb^gnificant nods andwiaks: 
fiom tbe otber members • He fits down, and Anvil 
and anotber member get up.tog£tber;/ome cry Anvil^ 
otbers Jacob.. 

l^ref Mr. Anvil. 

jinvU* Mr. Prefident, Si r 

[The members all blow tbeir nofeSy and amgb ^ Axl^ 
vil talis all tbe wbile^ but is not beards 

Fref. Silence, gentlemen 3 pi^y? gentlemen.. A woi^ 
thy member is up. 

j4m)iL I fay, Mr. Prefident, that if we confider this 
cafe in its utmod exten t \^all tbe members cougb, and 
blow tbeir nofesagain^ I &y, Sir, P will. Nay, linfift 
on being heard. If any gentleman has any thing to fay 
any where elfe, I'll hear him. 

[^Members all laugb : Anvil^// di>vin in a paffion^ wi 
Slai:^hter gets up. 

Pre/. Mr. Samuel Slanghter. 

Sla. Sir, I declare it, at the bare heaxihg of tHishexe^ 

nodon, I am all over in a fweat. For m^ part, Tcan^k 
thiok what gentlemen mean bj talking m that there 
manner ; not but I likes that every man (hould deliver 
Bis mind 5 I does mme ; it has been ever mj way \ ancf 
when a member oppofes me, I like him the better for itf 
it^s right *y J am pleasM \ he can^t pleafe me more \ it \k 
as it flbould be ^ and though I differ from the honourable 
gentleman in the flannel night-cap over t&e way, yet 
I am pleasM to hear him fay what h6 thinks ; for, oir^ 
as I faid, it is always my rule to fay what I think, right 
or wrong — {a loud laugb^i Ay, ay, gentlemen ma^ 
laugh \ with all my heart, I am ufed to it, I donH miuA 
it a farthing : but, Sir, witli regard to that there mo* 
tion, I entirely ag^ee with my worthy friend with the 
pewter pot at his mouth. Now, Sir, I would fain afid 
any gentleman- this here queftion : Can any thing in na^ 
t^te be more natural for an Englifhman than porter ? £ 
^lare, Mr. Prefident,. I think ft the mod wholefome: 
fiquW in the world. But if it mufl be a change, let us- 
change it fov rum, a wholeTome palatable liquor, a li-^ 
quor tbat-~in (hort, Mr« Prefident^ I don't know fuch ^ 
liqttot* Ay, gentlemen^ may ftare : I fay, and I fay it 
Bpon my conference, I dbn't know fuch a liquor. Be« 
^^CS) I think there is in^ thi» here affioir a point of law,. 
wUch I (hall leave to the confideratioa of the learned \ 
and for that diere reafon, T (hall take up no more ofT 
your time. {He Jits dowrty Catchpole^/ up., 

Pre/, Mr. Catchpole. 

Catch*. I get up to the point of taw. And though^. 
Sr,. 1 am bred, to the- buHnefs, I can^t fay I am prepa- 
red for this queftion. But though this ufquebaugh, as 2Li 
dfam, may not (by name) be fubjc£l to a duty, yet it 
js my opinion, or rather belief, it will be confidcrM, as- 
^ the cafe of horfes, tacome under the article of dry^d. 
goods- "But I move that another day this point be: 

Sia, I fecond'the motion.. 

[Catchpole gives a paper to the Prefideni^ who reads {/^ 

^ref. Hear your motion. 

" That it be debated next Thurfday, Whether the 
^ dsam ufquebaugh is fubje^ to a particular duty ^ or, as 

*^ the cafe of horfes, to be confidered uiKler the article 
** of dry'd goods." 

u^/L Agreed, agreed. 

'Foote, And now, ladies and gentlemen, having pro- 
duced to you glaring proofs of our great ability in every 
fpecie« of oratory j having manifefted ijji the perfons of 
our pupils, our infinite addiefs in coivveying our know- 
ledge to others, we fhall clofe our morning's ledure, in- 
ilituted for the public good, with a propofal For the par- 
ticular improvement of individuals. We are ready ta 
give private inftru£iions to any reverend gentleman in his 
probationary fermon for a ledurcfhip j to young barri- 
ilers who have qaufes to open, or motions tp make ^ to« 
|ill candidates for the fock or buikin ; or . to the new 
members of any of thofe oratorical focieties with whic]» 
this metropolis is at prefent fo plentifully &ock'd«. 

\ - 




ALL THE world's A STAGE. 


Dramatis Personje. 

Sir GiOert PumfJHk, 
Cb, Stanley t C Officers in 7 
Jiar, Stukeiy, C.the army, y 
William^ttmnt to Charles, 

^'£?'ry.C Servants to ? 

K £ If * 

Mr. Baddeley. 
Mr. Farren. 
Mr. Palmer. 
Mr. Everard. 
Mr. l.a-Malh. 
Mr. Parfons. 
Mr. Button. 
Mr. Griffith. 
^Mr. Carpenter. 

JSdinhurgb t^%%^ 
Mr. Charteris. 
Mr. Sutherland^ 
Mr. Hallioa. 
Mr. Bland, juniO£» 
Mr. iiimpfon. 
Mr. Johnfon,. 
Mr. Banks. 
Mr. Spar]c8. 
Xilr. Hamiltoa* . 


Mifs Bridget PumpUn^ ^ j Mrs. Hopkins. I Mrs. Charteruw 
Mifi Kitty Sprightly^ \ Mils P. Hopkins. | Mrs. Sparks. 


Spoken by Mr. KINO. 

PRAT^ Ut me fee iftubai France f aye be trutp, 

7bat fmiling faces in tbis land are few, 

ni tell you bow tbey mark yeu to a tittle : 

ffbeyfayt you think too much, and talk too little : 

JVbileyw, witbfcoruy cry out againfl their prate^ 

Andftoeary witb beelsfaligbty tbeir f>eade> want Vftigiim 

£e but fame eleudu of politics 6ioivno*ery 

England would Jbow its laughing face once mora 

Ear this good end our bard throws in bis mtte^ 

And hopes tofleal you from your cares to-night » 

Now fir our title All the World's a Stage, 

tr&tf lively French^ ofcvry rank and age^ 

254 PKGLoave^ 

• Ih oBtt^fetna emf-ky their hn^ing hmirt^ 
And life s rough path make gay byjirewingjhvxrt^ 
Let but the fajhionjpread throughout our ifle., 
And tvhat makes frenchmen grm^ will mukeyou/milk- 
The drama xvould, like alkalis, prote^ you 
From tbo/efour humours 'which fo mud) aJfeS ymt,^ 
Sv^eeten your tloody wth iUfvoift current mM^ 
And cure the crudities (^politics, ^ 
(Our farce exhibits fuch afcene as this 
And low arerour peribfliaB dramatis.. 
The various fervants at a countryfeat^ 
As aClors furnifh out tbf curious treat*. 
Jn Alexander will the Sutler rave. 
And nought can Clytus, the fat eoaehman, favtf 
From Philip* sfonr—Xou^U fee the hero foon^ 
Death dealing round him with aJiVoerfpoomi 
The Cook, Roxana, glowing xoith dejtre. 
Burns as fie hafles-^her hofomi^all en fre t 
The Groom and Footmen ail their parti fo welt^ 
^o longer Tom and Dick, they hear no hell / 
The Butlerma d ■ ' alTs in confusion hurt'd^ 
lie cant ohty, for he commands the world / 
ffis viBories alone pojfefs his train ■ - 

1^9 majler bawls and mifrefsf colds in vain* 
Critics ■ ■ indulge thefe heroes in their fancset* 
Nor by your frowns, reBore them, to thUrJinfiju 


A C T r. 

ScENSy ^a inn at SbrewJBut:y^ 
CBarles Stanely and Harry Stukely at breakfajll^ 


Faith, Charl«S; T cannot think as^yoa do en this fub*^ 

Cba, I am forry for it ; but when you have fervcd two> 
or three campaigns more, take my word* for it, Harry^ 
you will have the fame opinion of the army that* I en- 
tertain at this moment. 

Har. 'Tis hnpoffiblcj the army is the only profeflion 
where. a great foul- can be completely gratified : after a. 
glorious and well-fought field, the approbation- of my 
fovercign, with the acclamations of my brave country- 
men, arc rewards, amply repaying whole, years- of fer- 


\ '. W' V-* 

'jiSI /. ALL TBIt WORLD^S A TT AGM4 9$$ 

€ba. Troe : but the httMours we gather rery ofteo 
adorn the head of a commander who has been only aa 
ear^wftnefs to this " well-fought field." 
Har. Ah, but every individual has his fliare 
Cba, Of the danger, I grant you ; and when a re* 
turn is made of the killed, wounded, &c. you fee in every 
news-paper a lift of them in the following order : three 
captains, feven lieutenants, twelve enfigns, killed; io 
many wounded : then comes in order, the ferjeants, fen* 
jeaat-majors, drummers, &c. &c« &c. and a» to the rank 
and file, they are given to you in the lump \ one hua» 
dred, or one thoufand, juft as it happens. 

Har. But their memories live for ever ia the heart! 
of their countrymen. 

Cba* Yes, while the windows are in » blaze on the 
news of a vi£iory, or while a city-politician drinks his 
difh of coffee and reads the dory: after that moment^ 
their memories and their bodies decay together. Well^ 
give me a good wife, eafe, and a. moderate compe^- 

Har. How comes rt, Charles, that with thefe fenti^ 
stents you ever wore a cockade ^ and, what is more us* 
accountable, fignalized yourfelf in fb cztiaocdinary ». 
manner during the late war ^ 

Cba^ PUtdlryou: — ^Wencver I" receive the pay of 
my fovereign, and am honoured with the chara£ler of 
kis truily and well-beloved^ I will faithfully, and I hope 
bravely, difcharge the confidence herepofes in me. ■ 
But, Harry, you )iave no ferious objedion to matrimo* 
97 : if you^ have, we had better prpeeed no further } ouz 
proje£i has a period. 
\ bar. Not in the kaft, I- affiire you : I think myfelf 
I capable of engaging in both the fields of love and wan. 
[ I will marry becaufe it has its conveniencies. 

« But when light-wiogM toys 

\ ^ Of feathered Cupid foil with wanton. dullneik 

" My fpcculative and ofRc'd inftrumcnts, 
I . •* Let ill indi^n and bafe adverfities> 
^ ** Make head againft my eftimation.'' 

j ThereV a touch of Othello for you, and; I think, 4^ 




Cba. '£gad, Harry, that fpeech puts me in mind of 
a letter which I receiv'd from Mifs Kitty Sprightly, the 
fair ward of my uncle Sir Gilbert Pumpkin — ^You muft 
know we are to have a play aj^ed at the old family- 
maniion for our entertainment, or rather for the enter- 
tainment of Mifs Kitty ^ who is fo mad after every thin^^ 
that has the appearance of a theatre, that I (hould not 
be furprisM if ihe eloped with the £rfl drolling compa* 
jxy that vifited this part of the country. 

Har. Let us have the letter by all means* 

Cba. (reads.) Mifs Kitty Sprightly fends her compli- 
**' merits, to Captain Charles ; and as (he is informed Sir 
f* Gilbert' has invited him to Strawberry hall, (he thinks 

it neceffary to acquaint Captain Charles, that he muft 

ihortly perfe^l himfelf in the chara£ker of Captain 
*' Macheath, as the ladies expe^ him to perform that 
^^ chara^ler at the maniion-houfe. If he has a good Filch 
^' in th^ circle of his acquaintance, (he d^fires the Cap* 
^^ tain will not fail to bring him down.^' 

Har. Why, what the devil ! I'll lay my life you have 
brought me down to play this curious charader in this 
very curious family. 

< Cba. You are right, Harry \ and if you can filch 
away the old iiiler, you will play the part to fome ad* 
vantage—- you will have, fifty-thoufand pounds to your 
benefit, my boy. 

Har^ Yqu mean this as an introduction to the family 
—» Ohy then have at you— But damn it, I can't iing^ \ I 
can 2L&. tolerably. 

Cba. I'll Mrarrant you. But come, now we have 
cleaned ourfelves. We wDl repair to themaofion ^ we are 
only two miles from it > they expe6i us to dinner. Wil- 
liam; deHre the hofiler to put the horfes to. Waiter, a 


Enter W^illiam. 

Wil. The chaife. Sir, has been waiting this half 

Cba. Come then : I'll tell yon more of my projed' as 
we proceed. 

Enter Waiter. 
Upon my word waiter, your charges are intolerable; 
What, five ihillings for a boiled fowl ^ 



\^L AIL TME world's A STAGR ^Jj 

Wait. We know your honour isn't on half-pay : wc 
always charge to the pocket of our ouQomerSy your ho- 

Har, Well, but good Mr. Waiter, take back your bill^ 
and in your charge cenfider us on half-pay. 

Wait, Lord blefs your honour ! you are in too good 
fleih for^that i why your honour looks as fat and as well 

Cba. Ha, ha, ha \ {Both iangb,) There is half-a-crowiy 
aboTe your bill, which you may difpo& of as you pleafe. 
Get you gone !' 

Wait, Your honours, I hope, will remember honeil 
Will Snap, at the Antelope, when you come next to 
Sbrewfbury. . " [Exit. 

. ^ Ci&fl, Mr. Honefly, yonr fervant* Travelling, Charles, 
Is now become fo chargeable, that few gentlemen of ouy 
cloth can afiTord to breathe the firefli air for a day— — — 

. Enter Hoitler* 
. But wjiat's your bufinefs ? 

BoJ{, The hoft^er, your honour. There i$n*t fuch a 
pau; of bays, your honour, in the country j they'll take 
you to Sir Gilbert's in ten minutes without turning a^ 
liair. — I hope Ifhall drink your honour ^» nealth.. 

Cba, Another fee, Harty — we muU comply with the 
; cuftom of travelling, 

Har, Get out of my fight this moment, ye fet of fcoun* 
drels, or I will knock, you down with this chair. (JTake* 
.^one,) Landlord, hollo ! why the devil don't you fend 
in all the poor of the pariih ? This is highway robbery^ 
Without tlie credit of being robbed* Let us get away^. 
Charles, while we have money to pay the tuxnpikes. 
I Oba.jiHonsi [ExeunU 


Scene, ^ Hall in the Moftfisn-bouje 

Enter Diggery, with a play booh in his band ; Wat, 
Cymon, 'and feveral Claiuns fertmnts to the familfy 
fftaking a noife» 

l^ig. Hold your damn'd tongue ? How is it pofliblc 
* can tell you how to a6l, when you all open like a ken- 
Bel of hounds ? Liften, but don't fay a word. I am to> 
^ Alcxandier j and, Wat, you arc to be my friend Clin« 

tus J and— — 



Wat. Ah^ Mufter Diggerj ! you (hall fee what I^li 

Dig, Damme, hold your tongue, I fay once more— 
Yoa'll fay ! — what can you fay ?— Say only what is in 
the book, and don^t be cramming in your own nonlenfe* 
But lift en all of you, and min d Y ou diufl knomr, the 
man who wrote this play was mad 

Wat. Lord, I ihould like to play mad. 

'Dig, Will nobody flop this fellow's mouth ? "Why, yoo 
blockhead, you have not fenfe enough to be mad ; you*d 
play the fool well enough, but how can you extort that 
damnM pudding face of yours to madnefs \ Why^ Wat^ 
your features are as fixM as the man in the moon^s* 

AIL Go on, Mafter Diggery, go on. 

Dig. Well, let me fee — {T^urns over the leaves qftbm 
J>lay,)Yo\x^ .Wat, I fay, is to be Clintus ^ and I am to 
fay before you all^ that great Ahnon gave me birth ^ thea 
Wat, you are to fay,, You lie ! 

Wat. Ah, but then you'll fiick me 

.Digi Never mind that ^ button your waiftcoat over one 
of our trenchers.-— Lord, I forgot to begin right j I am 
£rfl to come out of a Tim-whifkey, which you are to 
draw *y and when I am come dowA, you are all to fall upon 
your marrow bones. And as to you, Wat, if you eyen 
look at me, PU come up, and give you fuch a doufe of 
the chops as you never had in your life. 

Wat^ Let us try 5 now you (hall fee, Mufler J>ig- 

Dig. Then do as I bid you \ down every mother's fkia 
of you. (They all kneel down '^ Diggery draws back*) 
Don't ftir none, if Mifs Bridget was ringing every bell 
in the houfe. When I fay '* Rife all, my friends," thea 
do you all get up. 

Wat. Is that right, Mufter Diggery ? 

Dig. Very well. Now (/^^r//r«/^j.)— Jlounds, here's 
Mifs Bridget! 

Enter Mifs Bridget. 

Mifs Brid. Where, in the name of mifchief, have you 
been, rafcal ? Your mailer has been looking for you this 
hour, and no tidings^ high nor low. 

Dig. I'm going. [Exit, leaving the reft kneeling* 


Mifs Brid* Mercy upon us ! what^s all tUs } C jmont 
Wat ] are you all mad > Why don't you anfwcr ? 

Cym* Hufh, hufh ! Diggery is to play mad } I muft 
Bot flir. 

Mtfs Brid, Mercy upon me ! thcfe fellows may be 
ftruck mad for ought I know. I'll raif^^ the houfe 
Brother, brother ! Kitty Sprightly ! Where are yo« 

Knter Sir Gilbert. 
Sir GtL What the devil's the matter ? 
Mtfs Brid. Look at thofe fellows, brother \ they are 
all out of their fenfes ^ they are all mad. 

Sir Gil, Mad, are they !— wby then, run and bring 
1. me the (hort blundeibufs that's hanging in the hall, and 
I I'll take a pop at the whole covey. 
i Enter Diggery, 

f Diggery, what's the matter with thofe fellows ? 
[ Dig* Nothing, Sir. 

\ Sir GtL Nothing ? Why, what the devil keeps them 
:; in that poflure then ? 

[ Dig, Lord, Sir, I'll foon make them get upon there 
' legs. 

iS'iir Gil. Do then. I defire you > and fend them all to 
the madhoufe. 

Dig, (goes up to them 0I/.) " Rife all, my friends.** 
(TJlny ail rife,) Lord, Sir, we are only a^ing a play. 

Sir Gil, You fon of a whore ! get out of my fight this 
moment. (They ail run away,) Was ever man fo plagued 
with fuch a fet of fcoundrels t Morning, noon, and night, 
is this fellow Diggery taking thefe wretches from their 
labour, and making Csefars, Alexanders, and blacka^ 
moors of them. 

Mi/s Brid, Brother, brother, If you had routed that 
neft of vagabonds who were mumming in our barn about 
two months ago, none of this would have happened. 

Sir Gil, True V true, fifter Bridget. It was but a few 
days ago I went to take a walk about my fields \ when 
I came back, the fir ft thing I faw was a large flieet of 
paper pafted on the ftreet-door, and on it were wrote ii) 
4arge charaders ) 

, lfc5o ALt THE WORLO^S A STAGS. -^^ ^* 

J* This evening will be prcfented here, 

** Alexander by Mr. Diggery Duckun j 

** Roxana by Mifs Tippet Boskt, 
** And the part of Stalira by a Young Lady, 
** (Being her firft appearance on any ftagc.)** 
3>amrae, if I know my own houfe. 

Mi/s BrU, That's not all, brother j Diggery had Dear^ 
ly fmother'd that filly hufly, Tippet, in the oven, si fei^ 
days ago. 

Sir Gil, The oven ! what the devil brought her there?- 

Mifs Brid, Why, Diggery prevailed upon her to go- 
in \ and he faid he would break open the door of it witlir< 
the kitchen poker, and that would be playing Romo. 

Sir Gil Romo ! Romeo, you mean j why, fiftcr Brid* 
get, you can't fpeak Englifti — Surely fome daemon bar 
bewitch'd our family ! {Ajide^ But, pray, what became^ 
of Juliet in the oven ? 

' Mifs Brid, Hearing a noife, I went do^n flairs j an^ 
the moment he faw me, he dropt the poker, and ran away : 
but I had no fooner opened the door of the oven, tbait , 
I faw her gafping for breath \ and it was as much as I 
could do to drag her out, and fave her from being fuffo* : 
' cated. 

Sir Gil Why the devil did you not leave her there ? 
ihe would have been a; good example to the, whole fa- 
mily. As to that fellow Diggery, he will be hanged for 
the murder of fome of thefe creatures, as fare as I an 
alive. 1 overhearM him the other day defiring Cymoa 
to fall on the carving knife, and he would then die like 

Mtfs Brid, If they continue thefe pranks, wc ihaB 
never be able to receive captain Charles and his friend , 
they will tertainly imagine we are all run mad in good 
cam eft. 

Sir Gil, How can it be otherwife ? Mifs Kitty Spright- 

• ly, foifooth, extorted a promife from me the other day, 

that when Charles and his friend came down,* I would 

permit the Beggar's Opera to be got up (a« (he phrafed 

it), in order to entertain them. 

Mifs Brid. Brother, that girl is wotfe than the whole 
gang of theou 


\.AB 7. AU. VRE W0IIL»^S A STAGS* 26 K 

Sir GiL Leave me to manage her : I will endeavour 
to releaie myfelf from the promife I made her ; and in- 
>ilead of this play, a ball may anfwer the purpofe. I hope, 
liler, you have prepared a good dinner for m j nephew 
nd his friend. He informs me in his letter, that the 
entleman he brings down with him is a man of famiiy^ 
[.and a foldier, that does honour -to his profeflion* 

Mtfs Brid, I muft defire, brother, that you will mind your 
^ardy and leave the houfe to me \ let him be related to 
4he iirft duchefs in the land, he (hall fay, after he leave« 
JStrawberrj hall| he never feafted until he came there* 

Enter Diggery. 
Dig. Lord, Sir, Captain Machcath is jnft arrived ! 
Sir GiL Captain Macheath ! my nephew, rafcal ^ de« 
\ £re him to walk up immediately. 
*' Dig. Yes, Sir Oh, Sir, here he is. 
f Enter Charles and Harry. 

I Sir Gil. Ah, nephew, I am glad to fee you ! How 
I have you been thefe two years ! 1 have not feen you iince 
J your laft campaign, 

Cba.. In very good health. Sir ; and am (incerely hap- 
py to fee you fo. Permit me, Sir, to introduce to your 
acquaintance the companion of my dangers and my 

Sir GiL Sir, you are welcome to Strawberry-hall I 
love a foldier; and I am informed you fupport the cha- 
rader in all its relations. 

Har. You do me great honour. Sir Gilbert 3 I fhall 
ikudy to deferve your good opinion. 

Dig. He^s a better figure than me, and better a£lion 
too. llmiiaies him, 

Cba* I was in great hopef , my dear aunt, that when 
next I ^fited Strawberry-hall, I (hould have found you 
happy in the poffeffion of your old lover parfon Dofey- 
I hope you have not banifhM him. 
' Mifs Brid. Don't talk of the wretch ; you know he 
:was always my averfion. 

[Diggery, at tbejide^ iijlabbing bimfelf with m 
large key. 
Sir GiL What arc you about, Diggery? 

X>ig, Sir ! . C^''''' '^ ^^y ^^'^ ^^ pochet. 

Sir GiL Come; come, PU tell you the fa6^; and fpave 


^2 ALD THB W01U.D*S A STAGS, ^ff' / 

^er blufhes. Parfon Dofey, you muft know, (bme time 
ftgo, was playing- a pool of quadrille with, my filler and 
three of her elderly maiden-acquaintances who live in the 
neighbourhood, when, behold ye, to the aftonilhtaent of 
all the ladies, the parfon's right eye dropt into the fifk- 
tray ! Egad, I was as much aflonifhM as the reft ; for 
none of us had ever difcovered the defe6t, althoug^h he- 
has been in the parifli for fo many years : but in a twink- 
ling, he whipt it into the focket ; and when I Icx^cd' 
him in the face, damme if I did not think there was as 
much meaning in it as in any eye about the table* 

Dtg» Ha, ha, ha ! 

[Sir Gil. interrupts him in the middle of bis /augbm 

Sir GU. For (hame, Diggery ! — {Drives him fl^)— 
Blefs me, I forgot !^-Give me leave. Sir, to introduce 
you to my fifter, 

Har. {Kiffes her^ and bows very politely.) Upon my 
word, Madam, fuch an impoiition deferved a very fevere 
ichaftifement. I hope, Madam, you never permitted this 
made-up gentleman to indulge the eye he had left vrith 
another view of your fair felf. 

Mifs Bridn Dear Sir, 1 hope you don*t mind my bro- 
ther J he is always upon his fagaries^ he puts me to the 
bluih a hundred times a day— Faith, a very pretty young 
fellow ! I'll take a more particular view of him prefently. 

Sir Gil. No, no ; my lifter's obfervation was a jull one \ 
^ That when a woman marries, ihe ought to have a man 
** naturally complete.'* 

Mifs Brid. So, brother, you will go on with your vile 

Sir Gil. I have no vile^ conceptions. Why do you 
fuppofe them vile, fitter Bridget ? 

Mtfs Brid. Gentlemen, I cannot day in the room. 

Har. Dear Madam, I beg — pray, Madam-— 

[Takes her by the bant. 

Mifs Brid. I muft go, Sir, I am in fuch a tremble^ I 
Aall certainly drop with confufion if I ilay any longer. 

[Exit Mifs Brid. 

Har. Indeed, Sir Gilbert, this canonical gentleman, 
prefuming to addrcfs a lady of Mifs Pumpkin's qualifica- 

3 tioDS, 

A3 /• ALL TBS W0U.D*8 A STAG^ iSj 

tions, without at leaft difcovering the imperfedion, was 
a crime not to be forgiven. 

Sir Gil, Ha, ha, ha I Mifs Pumpkin^s qualifications ! 
Stick to that, Captain, and jou will foon have a regi* 
meat, I find the foldier has not fpoiled the courtier. 

Har, I reallj think what I faj, Sir— the deception 
iras unpardonable. 

Sir Git, Not at all : the parfbn was very poor, and he 
knew (he was very rich ; and if the fellow was blind with 
one eye, and fquinted with the other, I could not blame 
lim to marry her, if (he was fool enough to confent to 
the union : indeed it was my bufinefs to prevent it ^ but 
^e difcovery of the glafs eye did the bufinefs more 
effedually than I could do, had I the eloquence of a Ci« 

Cba. But pr«y, uncle, where is your fair charge^ 
Mifs Kitty Sprightly ? She^s grown, I fuppofe, a fine 
girl by this time. 

Sir GiL A fine girl, quotha ! I. do not like thaC 
tv^rm inquiry ; a red coat may fpoil my project of mar- 
rying her myfclf. {ConfidersJ) I have it ! I'll tell him 
ihe's a little crack-brain^, (y^^tp.)— Nephew, a worj 
XQ jour ear \ the poc^f girl has got a touch. 
Cba, A touch ! you don^t fay fo ? 
Sir Gil, As fure as you are in your fenfesj (he^s al« 
wnys imagining herfelf to be either Helen, Cleopatra, 
Polly Peachum, or fome other female of antiquity, that 
made a noife in the world. 

dha. Oh, ho ! I fmell a rat here \ but PU humour it. 

{4Pde. ^'^'^Tis a (Irange fpecies of madne&, uncle ^ (he's 

ptobably play mad. 

Sir GiL You have it; and the contagion has run through 

the houfe-*-there's Biggery, Wat, Cymon, Tippet, and 

the whole family, except my fitter, have got the bite. 

Why, fometimes you wou'd imagine, from the woodea 

fc€ptres,ftraW-crowns, and fuch like trumpery, that bed* 

lam was tranfported from Moorfields to the fpot you now 

ftand upon. I give you this hint, that your friend may 

not be furpris'd > 70U wilj explain the unhappy fitua- 

tion of the poor girl to hiiH-^ An excellent thought ! it 

will keep her at a diftance from him. \^Afide. 

Cba. Harry, my uncle informs me, {yfinking at him) 

i that 

a64 ALX THE "World's a stage. JfEl H 

tbat his fair ward, the young lady I mentioned to you, 
has lately had a touch ! 

Har, A touch ! I am heartily fcMty for It j how came 
the unlucky accident ? I hope no faithlefs one- ey*d lover 
in the cafe ? 

Sir Gil, Zounds ! no, no, no ! Why, nephew, you 
defcribed the girlVdiforder abominably-— She lately had 
a touch here, here, Sir. {Faints to his foreheads 

Mar, Oh, is that all ? I hope, Sir, with a little atten- 
tion (he will foon be reflored^ 

Cba. I am very forry to hear this account of my dear 
little Kitty : let us vifit her. Where is fhe, uncle ? 

Sir Gil. Dear little Kitty \ Oh, ho ! But Pll have all 
uiy fenfes about xsic-^(^Afide,') In her own chamber, I 
fuppofe : but follow m«, and you (hall fee her j (he's quite 
another thing to what Ihe was two years ago, when you 
faw her — But come, gentlemen, dinner will be fhortly 
on the table, and I long to have a bumper with you. 


Har. So, Charles I this is the fair lady you brought 
tat down to run away with, 

C/ja, Even fo. 

Har. Why, what the devil would the world fay of 
me for being fuch a fcoundrel ? 

Cha, Marry the lady, Harry j and when you have 
fifty thoufand pounds in your Docket, the world will be 
very fflad to ftiake hands and be friends with you. v 

Har, I Would as foon marry Hecate 

€ba» As my aunt ? Very polite, truly ! But keep her 
out of my way, and you may do with her as you pleafe. 
This girl, who my uncle fays is mad, I believe I (hall be 
able to reilore in a thort tin\e ^ and it will go hard with 
me, if you will aflift me in the projeft, but I will put 
her inta a poU-chaife, and fet out for London this very 
night, f 

Har. Command me, dear Charles, in any thing that 
can be of fervice to you : but don't you think making 
the Dfopofal fo foon will be rather precipitate ? 

Cha. Not at all : we are to have the play, you know, 
at nigkt, previous to which I muilrehearfe with her ^ (he's 
romantic, and an elopement need only be mentioned to 
put it in execution) fhe has feen Ib^JUany on the fiage, 



A^f, AtL THE W0M.1>*S A STAGl. 2^5 

that her head turns on nothing elfe; befides, ttiy uncle 
nauft not have time to fmell fuch a fcheme, or he wift 
loon put it out of my power to execute it. 

• i^'^'k ^^^^^^^.^ ^"'^^'^ ^"^"^ ^^ ^^^' ^oy- Have yoa 
inftruaed William > He's a trufty (hrewd fellow. 

<^. He has got his leffon : he will foon get into Di?- 
gery's good graces, if he can only give him a fpeech oUt 
ot a pky ; liowever, I hope William will be able to ma- 
nage him — 'Oh, here is Diggery. 

Enter Diggery, with a napkin in his hand. 

Cha. Diggery, my honeft fellow, 1 ain glad to fee you • 
why, you are grown out of knowledge ; it is fome years 
lince I was.firft favoured with your acquaintance DIa- 
gery. » .'5- 

Dig. So it is, your honour. Let me fee, (confiders > 
you was firft favoured with my acquaintance, four yeai^ 
come next Lammas : but I knew nothing then ; 1 was 
<juite a thing, your honour. . 

Cha. You have improved, Diggery, fmce that time, I 
lee, connderably. ' 

Dig. How do you fee that, your honour > 
Cha, Why, your face (hews it 5 ihei-e are the Unes of , 
|rood fenle, wit^ and humour, in every feature 5 not that 
infipid face you ufed to have, no more exprtfTion in it 
than a toaited muffin. 

Big. I got all, your honour, by laming to read ; you^ 

lee me, when 1 play, look in a way that will fr^Tbten 

hono"" r ^'''^^~"'' ™''^^" ^^"^^ ' «11 mifpreffion, ^-our 

[f^a^ry hums a tune out of tht Beggar^ Opera, and 

Dig, {looks ^at him,) Mafler Charles, Who is that gen- 
tleman ? He s aaing, is'nt he ? Has he a muffin face > 
(.t^'^^a "!?' ^^ff,s:ejy, don't difturb him 5 he is one 
of the fii^ft aaors of the age, and has a face that would 
frighten the devil when he pleafes 5 he^l put m all to 
rights J I brought him down for the parpofe. 

^'«r-.Suppofe your honour defires'him tP kill himfelf 
far a minute or .two before dinner. 'I have tried a thou- 
fand times and never could kill myfelf tomv own fatis. 
^xaion m all my life. 'I'll lend him my key. {Be/irSl) 
Coming Oh, matter Charles, I was de/red to bH you 

^%6 AtL THE trCRlD^S A STA(SS« ^3 L 

and the gentleman come to dinner, but I quit ! forgot it 
the dinner fat down to the familj before i came in— nm 
as hard as you can.' 

Cbai Come, Harry, the family waits dinner. 


Dig* " The family waits dinner." {Imitates him.) I 
can^t do it like him*— -Lord ! how he^U do Captain Mac- 
heath in the play ! I^m glad he^s not to be hanged* 
{Sings,) " Let us take the road" — Hark I 

{Without.) Diggery I 

Dig, Coming. \£xii. 

ACT n. 

iCENE, a Dining Parlout : Sir Gilbert, Mifs Bridget* 
Mifs Kitty, Charles, am/ Harry, at dinner ; Digger/ 
attending at the fide-hoard. 

Sir. Gilbert. 
I HOPE, gentlemen, you like your dinner. As to my 
trine, there is not better in the country, I'll lay a hogf- 
head of claret. 

Har. Your entertainment is fo good. Sir Gilbert, that 
I (hall beg leave to prolong my viiit. What (hall we dO| 
Charles, when we reach Loiidon,^that curfed feat of noife ' 
^nd buftle ? 

Cha. Endeavour to recontile ourfelves to it ; a foldier 
muft not alwsgrs expe£l good quarters. Pray, Mifs Kitty 
■how does your fair friend, Mifs Sally Cockle ? 

Kit, Oh, fhe has been married a long time, and was 
lately brought to bed of two thumping boys. 

Mifs Brtd, Child, you muft not tell that. 

Kit, What, mus'nt I tell the truth ? Why then I do 
fuy, ihe was brought to bed of two boys not fix months 
ago \ but fhe will be at our play to-night. 

Sir Gil, I told you how it was ^ but ihe^s not mifchie- 
V0UJ5. ^-^fide to Charles. 

• Cha, She has not the appearance of it-^I am fare her 
recoUc^lion is very good. \^Afide* 

Sir Gii, Come, my young (bldiers, let us have a bum- 
per to his Majeily j what fay you, my boys ? 

ilar. A hundred, Sir Gilbert ; ntnd I fay done firft. 



Sir GU. Why, that*s rather too many 5 but while I caa 
ftand or fit, have at you. Come, Diggery, let us have 
three bumpers in a minute here. Diggery ! What is that 
fellow about there } 

[Diggery is kneeling at the foot of thejidehoard^ and 
as if lamenting tbe death 9f Statira : tbey all rife 
and look at bim. 

Sir Gil. I f«iy, Diggery ■ 
[l^^gg^ /»m/ iis bead about^ but continues ttuel' 

Z% Sir. 

Sir GU. What are yob abdut > Ading again, I fup« 

Dig. Lord, Sir, I was only ftrlving to cry over Stati- 
«. [Rifes* 

Sir Gil, To cry over Statira ! And what have you to 
do with Statira f Let Statira go to the devil, and give 
us three bumpers to his Majefty j and then you may go 
-follow Statira if you wilL 

Dig, Yes, Sir. [Brings thf wine. 

Sir Gil. Come, boys, here is his Majefly^s health, and 
^1 long, glorious, and happy reign to him* 

Kit, Indeed, guardie, you frighten poor Diggery £>, 
th?t he forgets his part almoft as foon as he gets it. 
^ . 5ar Gil. Kitty fprightly, hold your tongue, I bid you. 
I have furely a right to correft my o^n fervants : . but 
reft fatisfied ; for after this night, if ever I hear the name 
of that fheepftealing fcoundrel Willy, as you call him 
i wil l > ■ There now, that felIow*s at his devil's trade 
a^ain. (Diggery is fencing with a large knife.) Call Cy- 
men here, tnou'imp of the devil ; we Ihall be able to io 
fo'tnething Vith him — Oh Lord, Oh Lord ! 

Dig. Cym^n— .Cymon— — ■' [The lajl very loud. 

Enter Cymom 

Cym. Here. 

Sir Gil, Cymon, do you attend table ; that fellow 1% 
among the. incurables.^ 

Gkn. After we have performed this play to night, I 
fancy. Sir, the family will have quite enough of it. 

Mifs Brid. Then I wi(h it was over with aR my heart. 

Cba. Mifs Kitty, will you drink a glafs of wine with 
*a ? Shall I have the honour to touck your glafs ? 

M % ' ^V* 

2(5S ALL THE world's A STAGE. ^^ IL 

Kit, If you pleafe, Sir; 

Har. Suppofe, Mifs Pumpkin, we make it a quartct- 


Sir Gil. A quartetto !• Why not a quintette ? Cymon, 

five glaffcs of wine \ be quick 1 fuppofe you are not 

engaged with Statira. 

Cym, Yes — no, your honour- 

[Gives Jive glaffes ofivine. 

Sir GiL We could not get any fi(h for you, although 
vfQ fent far and near for fome. 

Cha. Give me good roall beef, uncle, the propcrcft 
diet for a Britcn and a foldier. 

[Cymon flls a ^lafs ; Ciggery (ahes it tif>,a 
^ives it to him: he appears to inflruB Cymon 
* ^[X)hat to do with it; Cymon drinks it, throws the 
ghfs over his heady andjings. 

Cym* " And my comerades fhall fee tl-^at I die." 

' ' ^ [ trigger y <ind Cymon run off. All rife, 

Mifs Brid. Mercy on me I Cymon's at work again. 

Sir QIL I wiih, with all my heart, the devil had the 
•whol& pack.— Was ever man fo plagu'd ? 

Har, Dear Sir Gilbert, do not be uneafy •, they will 
be all tired of playing before to-morrow night, or I am 
very much millaken. 

' Kit, Now, guardie, for my part, I think the bed way 
Will be to let them have their belly-full of playing. 

Mifs Brid. For (hame, Kitty \ you muft not fay btlly- 
f ull before company, that's naughty. 

Kit. Well, I do fay, that if guarciie would only let us 
play as much as we pleafe, it is vei;y probable wcfhould 
as foon be tired of it as he is. 

Har, 'Egad, JVIrs. Kitty, an excellent thought — The 
girl's out of her fenfes. {^Jide to Charles.}— Suppofe, Sir 
Gilbert, we adopt it. 

Cha. Do, uncle j my friend and I will engage in one 
wfiek to play them fo fick, that the fight of a theatre 
would bfe as bad as an emetic to them. 

Sir Gil. Do you fay fo ! if I thought that could be 

done- ■ 

Mifs Bri^l Indeed, indeed, brother, it will make them 

;all as mad as March hares. 

fiar. Believe me, Madam, it will not j I koew a gcn- 



lleman who every night in kis life was at one or other 
of the play-houies, until hb purchafed a ihare in ciich of 
them j and afterwards he no more troubled himfelf about 
the theatre thaa you do about learning to ride la the 
great faddle. 

Mifs Br id. No ! — Well, that^s amazing. 

Sir GiL Well, well, I leave the management of thi« 
matter to you both \ do with them as you plcafe. If we 
can provide a remedy for this <iirorder, let us fpare no 
pains to find it out. Siiler, iliew your nephew and his 
friend the garden \ and do you, Kitty, go too. You viili 
find me in my Hudy. Take care of that poor giil, Charles ( 
ibe IS very fenfible ^t fome moments* [£»</• 

Cba^ ** Fear oer-sty government." 

Kit. Tha4V what the black man fays In the play. This 
is to my own tafle ezadly. \AJide. 

Cba. '' Ob>! mj Statira ! thou rckntlefs fair ! 
** Turn thine eyes on mc-^— I would talk to them. 

Kit. ** Not the foft breezes of the genial fpring, 
"* The fragrant violet, or opening rofe, 
^ Are half fo fweet as Alexander^ breath. 
** Then he will talk — ^good gods how he will talk!^' 

\He leads her out^ looking at each other lan^ 

ScEKCy the Garden'. 
Enter Mils Bridget aud Harry. 

Har. Thefe improvements, Madamr, are the very ex- 
treme of elegance. I take for granted, they were laid 
out agreeable to your defign. 

Mtfs Brid. Partly, Sir. My brother wanted to have 
the garden crammed full of naked figures in a moil un^ 
decent way : but I faid not j and if you obferve, they are 
clothed from head to foot ) you can't fee the ankle of 
one of them. 

Har, There, Madam, you blended decency with ele- 
gant, which is little atte'nded to in thefe days. Eefides 
the artill has the fame opportunity no Ihew his fkill on 
the drapery of a lady's petticoat, as in finifliing a Venus 
de Medicis. 

Mifs Brid. And fo I told my brother. Says I, the Ve^ 
nui de Med- Med— But won't you pk-afe to fit down, Sir? 

M3 You 


You have walked a great deal ) I am nfraid 70a are & 
tigued— -Sit down, Sir; and difpofe yourfelf. 

[^He brings ifv)ogarden~ cbairi /9 the front tf thefiage ) 
they look at each other Unguijhingly, 
And are ]k>u certain, Sir, that this kind of pl»y bufinefs 
. will cot be be attended with any bad coi^equences to 
the family ^ 

Har, Indeed I think not, Madam. A play, certainly, 
IS one of the mod rational amofements we have. The 
Greek and Roman ilages contributed very much to ci- 
vilize thofe nations, and in a great meafure reicued thca 
from their original barbarity. 

Mifs Brid. So I told my brother— Says I, the Greeks, 
the Romans^ the Iriih, and a great number of other bar* ' 
barous nations, had plays« 

Har^ True, Madam. 

Mifs Brid, But he faid they were all Jaeobites. 

Har, The juAice of that remark, I confefs flrikes ne 
•—But, Madam, you, you,, you— Damme sf I know what 
to fay to this old fool—— Where is Charles? 


Mifs Briif.. I have touched Um with ^my obfeKvation. 
"What a delicate mfenfibility he difcovers ! (^^.)— I, 
find. Sir, from your converfation, you have read a mon- 
ilrous deal. You have taken a degree, Ifuppofe, Sir, at 
one principal adver&ty ? 

ijflr;. There's, no Handing this. {Apde^ Oh, yes, Ma- 
dam \ and. it cod me many an uneafy moment before I 
could obtain it ; the only thing that made my time pafs 
^way, even tolerably, was, that during my probation I 
ipmetimes had the honour of a vi£t from the Mnfes. 

Mifs Bri4, Pray^ Sir^ is that the family which lives at 

Oxford ? 

Har. No faith, Madam, they very feldom even fojoum 
there ; they are a very whimfical family ^ and, although 
of the higheft extraftion, very often condefcend to vifii a 
cottage inltea d of a palace* 

Mifs Brid. I (hall be very glad to fee them at Stnw- 
tierty-Hall, or any friend of yours. Sir. 

Har. Dear Madam, your goodnefs overwhelms ne* 
1?11 try this old Tabby with a love fcene \ fhe grows a- 
it^;qus5. (^^(tiV.)'— ^.c;smo<^. hu.t thmk, Madam^ofthe 



unaccoantable vanity of the paribn, whom Sir Gilbert 
io humoroufly defcribed to-day. From the enterprifing 
genius of this fpiritual gentleman, and from his wanting 
an eje, one may with great prc^riety, I think, give him- 
the name of the canonical Hanibal. 

Mifs Brid. Ha, ha! a very good fommily, indeed, Sir; 
he was indeed a uite a Canibal, and fo I told my brother : 
i>ut don^t mention Eis name, Sir j it always gives me the 

Har. His prefumption, Madam, deferved death. Mon* 

.firousi to think of obtaining fuch a hand as this, {kiffes 

it^ without the reqoifites even to gaze upon it.— »0h ! 

'tis intolerable. [She rifts ^ and ht kneeh* 

Miff Br id. Dear Sir! Lord, fir! With what a warmth 
hit kifles my hand. Oh! he's a dear delnder. (A/ide,y^ 
Sir, Captain, what do ycm call!ttm, if we are leeu, I m- 

Har^ JBe under ao apprebenfions, ny angel ! 

[jSiffes her band agaia.^ 

Uifr Brid. My angel ! there's a word far you— -1 ihall' 
certainly ^ive way in a few moments. \^Jfii€*' 

'Enter Diggery, p^fping. at.thefide-fant* 

JDig<. Wliat ate thefe two cajeling about f Ading, T 
fiippofe. I'll try if I. can't ad in the fame uray. 

-Jbr. Ah, Mifs. Pumpkin, Miis Pumpkin ! 

\Kneds,i takes -out bis bandkercbitf^ and weeps. . 

Dig. Ah, Mifs Pumpkin, Mifs Pumpkin ! 

££Mels'>iy 4be fide-feene^ mnd pulls tbe napkin oni of 
bis pocket} pars ofwUcb mi(ft be fecn when he 

Eater Sir Gilbert. 

&> GiL Where are you, filler \ Zonnds I what^s the 
matter now I What, are you ^QiAti^ ? Have you got the 
touch \ 

Har. Humour the thought. Madam. [AJide. 

Sir Gil. If Diggery had not been one of the dramatis 
perfona^ I fiiould have imagined, fifter Bridget, that a 
red coat and a hand^me young fellow were things not 
very~difagreeablc to you. 

Dig. Yes, Sir, I'm here^ I^m always your honour'^ 


V Sir GiL Get out of my fight this moment, thou 

' [^Exii Djggery# 

Har, Diggery here ! that may be lucky. {^Ajuie^ 

Mifs Brtd, Indeed, brother, I do not think, that aft- 
jng is fo foolifti a thing^ as I tJiought \ for the Captain 
here has repeated fo many pretty fpeeches, that I could 
lift en to them for one hour longer. However, I w3I 
go and prjepare tea for you — Good b'ye. \_Exit. 

Han Mifs Bridget has very kindly undertaken, Sir,.' 
to4)erform the part of Mrs, Peachum, in this evening's 
entertainment > and as (he takes the part at a fhort no« 
tice we rauil indulge her with the book. I (hall make 
a proper apology to the audience upon that occaiion be- 
fore the opera begins. 

Sir Gil, Mrs. Peachum ! What, has my fifler under- 
taken to play Mother Peachum ? 

Har, Moft kindly, Sir. 

Sir Gil, She has ! then I ftiall not be furprifed if I 
fee my 0ie-goat and all her family dancing the Hayer 
to-morrow morning-— in ihort, after that, I ihould not 
be furprifed at any thing. But tell me, my dear S«.uke- 
iy, tell me truly, do you think that you. will be able to 
give them enough of it ? Do j^ou think our plan will 
fuccecd > 

Har, I'll be bound for it. Sir. If there are any more 
plays a£ied in your houfe after this, I will confent to 
lofe^ my head. 

^* 6^//. Then give them as much of it to-night as 
you can — Do not fpare them, Stukely. But come, let 
us go in to tea. Diggery is hard at work, fixing the 
fcenes in the hall, and the whole neighbourhood will be 
here by*and-bye. Come along. \Kxeunt^ talking* 

Scene, ^ room in the Houfe. 
Enter Kitty, Jinging, 

Kit* This Charles, notwithftanding my finging, now 
and then makes me melancholy. He is fo lively, and fo 
tragic, and fo comic, and fo humburfome, and fo eveiy 
thing like myfclf, that 1 am much happier with bin 
than any body elfe. Heigh ho ! What makes me'figb 
£p y^hea I choofe finging ?—Tol, lol, lol, la—- But bcrfr 
h^ is* 

Ji£l IL ALI. THE world's A STAGE. ' 273 

Enter Charles. 

Cba» Come to my arms, thou lovclicft of thy fcx ! 

Kit, Keep off, Charles, I bid you j you mull not lay 
hold on me in fuch a mondrous way \ that^s jufl like* 
Cy mon. 

• Cha, What do I hear ! Death to my hopes, Cymon !. 
Docs Cymou lay hold of my dear Kitty ? 

Kit, To be fure When 1 have no o^her porfon to rc- 
hearfe with, I do take Cymon } and he dues not peiform 
badly, when I inftnift him. 

Cha, But don^t you think you had better tBk« me V 
Don't you imagine my performance would plcafe yoa 
better than his ? 

Kit, How can I tell, until I try you both. If you 
win give me a fpecimen, PU foon tell you— Try nov, 

Cha, What thedevil (hall I fay ? Ido not immediate* 
ly recolleft a line of a play. No matter, the firl: ihirnr. 
that comes into my head. \^/ifu:e. 

Come then, Kitty, you muft play with me. Now 
mind me — Hear me, thou faireft of the fair— hear me, 
dear goddefs-, hear 

Kit, Stop, flop J I do not know where that is. 

Cba, Nor I, upon my foul. {AJidei) What, do you 
not rccoUeft where that is ? 

Kit, No. Can you repeat a fpeech out of Romeo, 
Crook-back'd Richard, The confcious Lovers. Scrub, 
The Journey to London,. Th€ Glandettiue Marriage, 
The School for Wives— 

Cha, Stop, (lop 5. yes, yes, Kitty, I have Th** Journey 
tt) London, The Giandelline Marriage, and The School- 
for WivTS, this moment in~my rccolkdion, L 
riiink I can do-*— 

Kit, Wl)at then, you only think, you're not certain ! 
Lord, Lord ! I* do not believe you can do any ^t bin g— 
Wh^, Cymon coi^ld fay them allv^ithout inifllng ^ 
word. I only defired hinv, after fupper, a few ni^litg- 
ago, to go into the barn, and get by heart the fpeech 
where the blackamoor fmothers his wife ; and 1 had not 
been in bed ten minutes, when lie- came into the room,, 
and repeated every vFord of it.. 

Cha^ The devil he did ! 

Kit, Ay^ and -more than- that? 

M 5,; a&ih. 

^i5a. What more, in the devil's name ? 

Kit, Why, to be fure, he was as black as old ELany^ 
tiiat's certain. He had blackM all his face with foot 
and gooTe- dripping y and he did look to charmingly 
frightful ! But then he did play fo well« — ^He laid down 
the candle, and came up to the bed-fide, and (aid— - 
** One kifs^ and then." 

^/i. What then ? 

Kit. Why then « put out the light-" Why, Charlc«^ 
you know no more how to z€t this fcene than Tippet. 

Cha. And pray, my dear Kitty, what does. Sir Gil* 
bert fay to all this ? 

Kit. Why, he'd never known a word of it, if it was^ 
not that it difcovered itfelf. 

Cha, How came that ? You tell me it was but a few 
nights ago, and I do not think it could difcover itfelf (b. 
foon. ♦ 

Kit. Why, yott muft know, tltat when Cymon kifled- 
me in bed, he blacked my left cheek fo abominably, that, 
when I came down to breakfaH in the morning, the fa- 
mily were all frightened out of their wits. Mrs.JBridgef. 
bid me go to the glafs \ and when I looked at myfelf-— 
Lord, Lord, how I did Taugh ! I told, them the whole- 
ilory. And. do you know, that I am locked' into mj 
room every night fince. 

Cba. So much the better.- This is fimplicity without' 
vice. {j^Jide.) — Well, Kitty, you (hall fee this evenings. 
Low I'll play Captain Macheath. I am quite- perfe^ in 
tke Captain. 

Kit. w^nd I have Polly every, morfel of her Lord, 
how all the country-folks will ftare ! Mif^- Fanny Blubl- 
ber, tktf rich farmer's daughter in the next village, is t« < 
play Lucy: flie will do it charmingly ^ and, as luck. 
»ould have it, (he is now big. with chikL . 
^ Cba. Really ! was ever any thing fo Itxcky ? 

Kit. Are you fure now that you will not be ootj 
. Cba. You (hall fee now— .Come, lean on. my (houlderi 
«p— 'Look fend— ^uite langui(hing>— 1 hat will do 
What do you fay now ? Have you forgot ? 

Kit. That I hav'n't— *' And are you as. fond as ever, 
aoy dear ?" 

Cbu, Sufped my honour, my courage 3 fuTped anj 


tidlngibut my l6ve. May my pifiols want charging, and 
my ifiare ifip her ikoes-— No, I^m wiong— -Zounds I Oh| 
I nave it—** May my piftols mifs fire, and my marc flip 
**^ her flioulder while I sm purfucd, if ever 1 forfake 

Kit. Oh; thou charming, charming creature ! 

iKiffes him. • 

Cba, Bamirie, but this girl has given me the touch, 
I believe. She ha^ fet me all in a flame, (^i/ff.)— But 
tell me, Kitty, have you thought upon what 1 faid to • 
you in the garden ? 

Kit. ♦Egad, I have 5 but' I don't know i^hat'j the 
xdatter with me ', fome thing comes acro& me, and fright* 
tens all my inclination away. . 

Cba. Be refolutc, my dear Kitty, and take to your 
arms the man who only can live when he is in your pre- 
fem:e* Heavens! is it poflTiblc that fuch a girl as you 
—a creature formed ' - 
Kiii Lord ' am I a creature ? 

Cba, Ay, and a lovely creature 5 formed for the dc- - 
light of our fcx, and the envy of yours. To be cag'd up > 
ifl fuch a damnM old bam as this ! feeing no company 
/but Cymon, ,Wat, Diggcry, Ducklln, and fuch cani- - 

Kit, Oh', motiftrous ! 

Cba, ' I is more than mondrous ^ 'tis fliocking..- 
Kit, Is it indeed ?•• 
Cba, To be fure. - 

Kit, Then I will do as you bid me from this moment; 

Cbai £x)me to< my arms, and let me hold thee to my 

heart for ever. {Ettibracts ber,) ** If I were now to die, ^ 

*• ^twcre now to be molt happy 5 for I fear my foul hath 

** her content fo abfolute, that not another comfort like 

**^ this fucceeds in unknown fate." 

Enter Sir Gilbert.. . 
Sir -Gil, Hollo I what the devil, are you two at it al- 
ready ? Why, Charles, are you not afraid flie will bite 
ypu ? 

> Cba, Npt in the leafl, Sir. If I don?t make her out 
of humour with this kind of muiLming before flie !s^ 
twenty-four hpurs older, I will forfeit my commiflion. 

M-6. Sicr 


276 ALL m w6iiLD*it k rrAOBr JKtH. 

Sir Gil. If you 60, I promife you a better. What 
noife is that ? [^ board is beard /awing wiibauK 

Kit. It is only Diggery fa wing a trap-hole in the- 
floor of the hall. You know we can\ play tragedy 
without ic. 

Sir Gil, Death and hell 1 we fiiall have the houfe 
about our ears prefently — Mercy upon us I — ^Diggery, 
thou imp of the devil, give over. Charles^ do yott flop- 
him. {Exit Charles*) Who could have thought of fuch 
an infernal fcheme ? 

Re enter Charles. 
O Charles, Charles ! cure the family of this madnefs^ 
aftd I will make your fortune £or you» 

Cba. He had only began his work \ there can be no 
mifchief done. Sir.. 

Sir GiL Thank you, thank you, Charles. A» &>r you^ 
Mifs Kitty, do you come with me ^ the foUcs will be ail 
here prefently. 

[Sir Gilbert puts her arm under his \ Jbe fei%es 
Charleses hand, and imitates, thefcene in the Beg^ 
gar'*s 0/>era, where Peacbum drags bis daughtur. 
from MacheathJ] 

Kit, '' Do not tear him from m£»'' Isv^t. that xigbv 
Charles ? 

Cha, Aftonilhing t 

Sir Gil. What the deviFs the matter now T 

Kit. {Jings,) " Oh, Oh, ray ! Oh, Ambora ! Oh 
^ Oh !" {Exeunt. Sir Gil. and Kitty.- 

Cba» Well, certainly there does not exift fuch an un- 
accountable family as this. As to the girl^ (he is a com» 
pofition of (hrewdnefs- and fimplicity. ; and, if properljr 
treated^ would make an excellent wife. She has thirty 
ihoufand pounds to her fortune, and every (hilling at bee 
difpofal. What an old curmudgeon is my uncle, who* 
might provide for his nephew, without putting a (hilling, 
out of his own, pocket, by bellowing this gii>l upon him \ 
and never once to hit at fuch an union—- No matter— 
I'll take this little charming girl to my arms, and make 
a coup de main of it. '* Then, farewel- the neighing 
*' fleed and" the fliriil trump j the fpirit-dirring drura, 
** the ear-piercing fife, the royal banner, and all qua- 
*^ lity, pride, pomp, and circumttancc. of glorious war." 


ABM. tax TBE woiiu>*s a itmi ^77 

Enter ajny* 

Har, Bravo, bravo, Charles ! The touchy I faacji hai 
•gone round the i/?hole family. 

CAa. 'Egad; I believe fo too, Harry. I have got it, 
you find* 

Han I have been looking for you this half hour« 
Such a fceoe as I have had with old Moufer ! 

Cba, Ay, but fuch a fcene as I have had with the 
kitten ! '.Egad, Harry ! I have her, in fpite of all her 
tricks— But who da you think popp'd tilpon us at th« 
critical moment ^ 

Har, Critical moment F 

Cha, Jud as I had the lovely girl in my arms, repeat- 
hig to her the firil fpeech that came into my head, ta 
popp'd old Jowlec, my uncle. 

Har, Why, he caught me much- in the fame fituation 
in the garden^! I was kneeling, kifling Mifs Bridget^s- 
old damnM withered fid, and fwearing by aH the godw 
defies, their friends and. relations, when plump he came 
upon us: no mifchief enfued ^ for he thought I was giv^ 
ing her a fpecimen of my abilities in a^^ing. She hu- 
moured the idea as completely as if (he had but juft 
come from a London boarding, fchool } and the good old 
knight defired me to furfeit her, to give her a little 
more of it.. 

Clfa, '*" This night makes me, or undoes me qutttr^^ 

Har^ Good again, Charles Damme but I think 

you would make a tolerable adlor in good earneft. 

C6a. I think I (hould 'y and you w>U ihortly have a 
fpecimen of my abilities in the character of a good hus- 
band. ' , 

Enter William, with a Letter i 

Wil, I received this letter, Sir, from an hoftlcr, who 
belongs to, an inn. in. the next village^ he waits- for an 
anfwer, Sir. 

- Cba, What can this niean ? I know no perfon here- 
abouts, except my uncle's family. Let us fee. [Readf, 

** I this^ moment heard- you "was in the country upon 
" a vilit at your uncle's ^ and as I propofc flaying here 
" to-night, ^being heartily fatigued with ray journey J 
** will be much obliged, if you will favour "me with your 
*^ company to. fupper: I. am. alone j butif .the.fam^ily 


** cannot fparc you, I muft tnfift yon will ufc no ccsp* 
*^ mony with your old and fioccre friend 

** JpR Tackum;*' 

Angels catch the founds ! 

Har. With all my heart — ^but vrhat^s the matter J 
Cba. Who do you think U by accident arrived at the 
*ncxt village ? 

Han Who,, who !— You put me in a fcveii- 
Cba, Joe Tackum, my old fcllow-collegian, who took^ 
;Orders not a month ago, and who, I fuppofe, is-now go- 
ing to his father's— Fly, William j get me pen, ink^ and - 
paper : he muft not Qiix from the place he now is at, to 
,get a bi(hopric. [Exeunt Charles arid William. 

Har. Let me fee now ^ can^t 1 find fome paiTage that' 
wiirbe apropos f If Diggery were here, he would find- 
twenty in a minute— -Oh, I have it — ** If it were done 
♦* when 'tis done ;; then would it were done quickly— - 
.^' 'tis a confummation devoutly to be wiihed.*' No, do, ^ 
DO, I'm all wrdng — Damme, if ever I attempt to fpout^ 
again while I live. ' [Ext$»- 

Scene, The Hall^ with Benches fixed to fee the Flay\ - 

Sir Gilbert, Diggery, 6v. are perceked iu{fl/ing, and re^ - 

ceiving the eompanji* 

Sir GiL Welcome, my good friends j welcome, ladies- 
and gentlemen. Diggery, don't be mumbling your non- 
fenfe, but feat the company— You are all moft heartily;, 
welcome— -How do you like our preparation'? 

Comp, Oh, 'tis charming-— Indeed, ^r Gilbert, 'tis-* 

Sir Gil. Don't -be. mumbling, Diggery-^ Ifayj but look; 
about and-obferve the company. Pray, fit down all of' 
you, or we can't. begin our pailimes *, the aftors will be 
here ihortly. Diggeiy^^ wherc's my nephew and hia.^ 
friend^ Where's Kitty too ? 

ZJijf. She is juft ftcpped out*with Charles.^ 

5/r Gz7 Ay, . ay , to rehearfe their parts together, fo' 
much the better. After this night, I (hall take care- rehearfing. of- their tragedies, and come- 
dies, and lovc-uialogues j I'll put an end to this tinder- 
work bufinefs^-^But come^ come ; buftle about,- Dig- 
gery, get yourfelvcs ready, and^dcfire them all to begin j. 



we have no time to lofe. Now, neighbours, joa fhall fee 
the Beggar ^s Opera in tafte. 

Dig, Here they are, here they are. 

Enter Charles, Kitty, and Harry. 

Har, Are you fure none of the family know you are 
married ? 

Cha. Not a foul ^ but they (hall all know it now 
(Charles and¥jXly go up to Sir Gilbert, and knee i.) Sir, 
this young lady, who is now my wife, joins with me in 
requeuing your bleCling and forgiveueis. 

Dig* No, no, no \ you are all wrong ^ you are to^ con- 
itis the marriage at the end of the third ad— We be- 
gin at the wrong end. [Charles and Kitty rifei, 
Enter Mifs Bridget in a rage, 

Mifs Brid. Brother, brother, we are all Undone 
Oh, Kitty, you are a. fad flut— 1[^he wench is married', 
brother ! 

Dig. Why, Mrs. Bridget, you^arcr wrong too 5 you are 
to fay that by-and-bye. 

Sir Gi/,Yo}x came m too ibon^ fifter. Bridget ^ you 
Kave ibrgot. 

Mi/s Brid, I tell you, brother, the wench is manied^ 
—Are you flupid ? 

Sir Gil, 1 tell yom again, (ifler Bridget, you are too. 
foon J that rage wilLdo well enough prefcntly— Dig» - 
gcry (hall tell you. when to come.—:: — This foolifh wo- 
man fpotls all<4— I have feen the Beggar's Opera a thou-- 
£uid times. 

Mifs J5nl(/i'Was^ever any thing eqiial to this ? I'll raife^- 
the neighbourhood^^—Murder 1 Robbery ! Ravifhment !-^ 
Blefs me, how my head turns round-— 

\lliey allrifi and a^*yi}i&^x\^tXywhofyints in n; 

Dig* I never faw any thing better afiedin all my life^ . 

Sir GiL Very well, filler, indeed ! Bounce away ! I", 
did not .think it- was- in . youj — ^Vcry well, indeed ! ha,, 
tia, ha ! : " [ Bridget Jbews great agitationm 

Dig. 'Tis very fine, indeed!— I wi(h I may do my ■ 
jmrt half as well. 

Mi/s Brid. Ivfhall go mad ! You crazy fool you, hbld 
your tongue, or 1 will^-(ra«j «/ J>iggery*) As for you, 
hrothcr .. 



Sir Gil, No, no 5 now you arc out, 

D/igr. You fhould not meddle with me. 

Mtfs Brui, I tell you, doft, fool, that your niece there^ 
that impudent baggage, is mauled to that more impu- 
dent fellow, your nephew. 
. Sir Gil. What is all this > 

Dig, This is not in the play. 

Mifs Brid. No 5 but it is in nature for fach crea- 
tures to deceive and be wicked. She is married, 1 tclf 

Sir Gi/. The devil (he is ! — It is a- lie though. 

Dig, Then we (hall have a tragedy inflead of a co- 

Sir Gil, Speak, fpeak^ yeu gracelefs pair of imps !' 
What is all this ? 

Har, Indeed it is true, Sir Gilbert, as I can bear wit- 

Sir Gil. It can't be 5 'tis all a lie — Parfon Dofey would 
not have done fuch a thing for his other eye, and there's 
no other in the neighbourhood. 

Har. It was not parfon Dofey that did the kind of^ 
fice^ but honeft Joe Tackom. 

Sir GU. And pray, jvho the devil is honeft Joe Tac- 
kum ? 

Cba. A friend of mine, Sir, whom I detained for the 

Kit. Dear guardic, forgive me for this time, and I'll 
never do it again. IKneelingi 

Mifs Erid. Did you ever hear any thing fo profligate 

and deflitute i^ Oh, you'll turn out finely, Mifs ! To 

deceive us all — What, guilty of fu^ an abomination in 
■fo fliort a time, and. at your age. 

5«r GV/. What fay you to that, cockatrice, in &Jbort- 
a time^ and at your age f 

Dig. I don't think it out of charader, though. 

Ktt, Pray, Madam, excufe me > is // not quite as bad' 
is do it infojhort a time, and ai your age J 

Mifs Brid. What do ybu mean, you iroperttncnt flut^ 
Sn- Gil, Ay, what do you meiin, Mifs Hot-uppn't. 
Ktt* AJk this gentleman, pray.. 


Sir Gil. Why, what the devil, fitter ! 

\Sbe iooht confounded. 

Hah. Since I am fubpoenaM into court, I muft fpeak 
the truth. That lady, infojhort a time^ end at her age^ 
o£Fered her hand for the fame trip to matrimony \ but I 
mras not in a humour for travelling 

Mifj Brid. You aie all a parcel of knaves, fools, and 
impertinent huffics— I'll never fee. your faces again. 


Sir GiK You ought to be afhamed to (hew your ovro, 
^fs Bridget. . 

Dig* It is all in charadler. 

Cba. Confider, Sfr, I am ydur nephew, and my fxo* 
fperity ought to give you pleafure : befides, I ihall not 
want any thing from you in your will ^— I am now well 
provided for. 

Sir Gi/n 'Egad, that's a juft obfervation. (^</p.)— 
Well, as my fider, who ought to be wifer, would have 
done the fame, I will forgive the lefs offence. {Kiffes 
her?) Make her a good huiband, Charles \ and permit 
me to recommend one thing to you \ let her never read 
a play» or go within the doors of a theatre \^ if you doy 
1 would not underwrite her. 

Cba^ « My life upon her faith.'* 



T^H E 



V \\T 


jitgufy father to Arethufa, 

Hearty, father to Rovewell, 

Rovetue/lf io love with Arethufiki 

IMiCf fersant to Rorcwell, 
jFiifl Mvb^ - * 

x&ec^id JNItA^ '- - • 

'Women Mob^ • - - 

jtretb^fm, in love with Roveweil, « 

.&#jf, her maid, *^ ^^5 

Mr. Colkns. 
Mr. Acthur* 
'Mr.. Lowe. 
-Mr. -Sto^pdacr*. 




ScEKS, Ho^aweU'j Lodgingr. 

Well, though pimping is the mofl hon^arable mnd 
profitable of all profeflions, it is certainly the moil dan- 
gerous and and fatiguing ; but of all fatigued there^s 
none like following a virtuous "miRrefs— 'Fhere^ not 
one letter I carry, bat I run the rifk of kicking, can- 
ing, or pumping, nay, often hanging— Let me fee;. 
I have committed three burglaries to get one letter to 
her-— -Now, if n^y maft^r ftiould not get the gypfey 


lii Iftfi, I baye ventured ny fweet peribii to « lair pur* 
^e— But, Bafla ! here comics my mafter and his frienkl 
Mr. Hearty — I muft haften and get our diigiiifes. 

And if .Dame Fortune fails us now to win ber, 

Qhy all yc gods above ! the deviPs in her* [£Mir« 
Enter Rx)vewell asui Hearty. 

Aftfr. Why So melancholy, Captain ? Come, coDe,m 
man of your gaiety and courage iboa^d never take m dU^ 
appointment lo much to heart. 

Rov, 'Sdeath ! to be prevented when I had bioqgbt 
my defign Co near perfe^ion ! 

Hear, Were :you Idk open -and darin/; ni your at«^ . ^ 

tempts, you might hope to iiiccecd T he old gentle- 
man, you know, is cautious to a degree 3 his daughter 
i under a drift confinement : would you uCb more of the 
for than the lion, llortttne, perhaps, might throw an op- 
portunity in your way— But you mUft have patience. 

Rov* Who can have patience when danger is fo near? 
Read this letter, :a]id then tell me what room there is for 

Hearty reads : ^ 

** To-morrow will. p«e vent all our vain flruggles tm '^ 

^^ g^ to each other.' ■ ' J jtm.^n to be l^rjry'd, to 
*^ my^etemcd avesfion } yott4now the fop, 'tis CuokoO| 
" who, having a large «ftate,}isforc!d upon me ^ but tajr 
** heart can be none but Rovewell's. Immediately aftec «. 
** the receipt of this, ^neet -Betty at the old places there 
*' is yet one invention left ^ if you purfue it clofely, yeb 
^ may perhaps releaie her who wou'd be your-— -^ 

Rov. Yes, Arethu(a, I will releafe thee, or die in 
the attempt. Dear friend, excnfc :my -rttdene£i > you . 
know the reafon. 

A J R. 
Ill face ev'ry danger 
To rf,/cue my dear, * 

For fear is a ilranger 

Where love is fincere» 
Repulfes but fire us, , 

Defpair we defpife. 
If beauty infpire us 

To pant for the priset XExit^ 

^4 '^'^ CONTHIVAN^ES. 

Hear. Well, go thy way, and get her ; for thou <fe-r 
icrv'ft her, o' my confcience.— How have I been de- 
ceiv'd in this boy I I find him the very teverfe of wkat 
his {lep«mother reprefented him ', and am now feniible it 
was only her ill ufage that forc'd my child away^Hi? 
not having feen me fiace he was £ve years old, renders 
me a pcrfeft ftranger to him— Under that pretence, i 
have got into hif acquaintance^^and finds him all I wi/h 
■ ' -If this, plot of his fails, I believe my money tauR 
buy him the girl at lail. [^Exi'tm- 

Scene, '^ Chaffd?er in Argus'j Houfe^ 

A I R. 
Are* See ! the radiant queen of night 

Sheds on all her kindly beams j 
Gilds the plains with cheerful light,. 
And fparkles in the filver flreams» 
Smiles adorn the face of Nature, 
Taftelefs all things yet appear^ 
Unto me a haplefs creature. 
In the abfence of my dear. ) 
, Enter Argus. 
jirgn Pray, daughter, what linguo is- that feme yoii 
ehaut and fputter out at this rate ? 
j^re, Englifh, Sir. 

Arg, Englifh, quotha ! adod^ I took it to be noa- 

Are. 'Tis a hymn to the moon* 
Arg, A hymn to the moon ! I'll have none of your 
hymns hi my houfe*— Give mt the book, hoiifewife. 

Are,, I* hope. Sir, there is no crime in reading* a 
harmlefs poem. 

V Ar;g, Give me the book, I (ay 5 poems, with a pox ! 
what are they good for, but to blow up the fire of love, 
and rilakc young wenches wanton ?—— — But I have takca 
care of you, miflrefs! for to-morrow you (hall have a 
hufband to day your, ilomach, and no lefs a perfon thaa 
'Squire Cuckoo. 

Are, You will Hot, furely,. be fo cru^I as to marry 
BBte to a man I cannot lov^« 

* Arg.. 


j^g. Why, what fort of a man wou'd you have^ 
Sirs. Minx ? 


^e* "Genteel in perfonage, 

Condu6l and equipage^ 
Noble by herilag;e, 

Genereus and free. 
£rave, not romantic. 
XearnM, not pedantic 5 
Frolic, not frantic j 
This muft be he. 
Honour maintaining, 
, Meannefs difdaining, 

Still entertaining, 
Engaging and new. 
• Neat, but not finical ; 
Sage, but not cynical 5 
Never tyrannical j 
But ever true. 
j^rg. Why, h not Mf. Cuckoo all this ? Adod he's a 
brifk young fellow, and a little feather-bed doftrine will 
foon put the Captain out of your head j and to put you 
out of his power, you ihall be given over to the *fquirc 

^re^ Surely, Sir, you will at leaft defer it one day. 

^rg. No, nor one hour To-morrow morning, at 

eight of the clock precifely.— In the mean time, take 
notice the fquire's filler is hourly expe£led j fo pray do 
you be civil and fociable with her, and let me have none 
i>f your pouts and glouts, as you tender my difpleafure. 

Are, To-morrow is fhoft warning \ but we may be too 
cunning for you yet, old gentleman. 

Enter Betty. 
O Betty ! welcome a thoufand times ! what news ? have 
you fecn the Captain \ 

Betty, Yes, Madam , and if you were to fee him in 
his new rigging, you'd fplit your fides with laughing- 
Such a hoyden, fuch a piece of country fluff, you never 
fet your eyes on ■ But the petticoats are foon thrown 
qH'^ ai\d if good luck attends us^ you may eafily conjure 

' Mif3 

Mils Bfidkio, the 'fquirc's fifter, into joor otra dear 

j^e. Bat wlien will they oome ? 

Bet, Inftantljy Madam ^ he only flays to fettle mat- 
ten for our eicape. He's in deep confoltation with his 
priyy-connfellor Robin, who is to- attend him in the 
quality of a country pu t i hey'U both be here in a 

moment y £o let's in, and pack up the jewels, that we 
may be ready at once to leap into the faddle of liberty^ 
and ride full fpeed to your dcfires. 

^re. Dear Betty, let's make hafte; I think erery mo» 
went an age till I'm free from this bondage. 


VHien parents obftinate and cruel prove, 
And force us to a man we cannot love, 
^Tis fit we dilappoint the fordid elves, v 
And wifely get us hufhands for ourfelves. 

Bet» There they ar e i n, in. 

fA inochmr wttBodt. 
Axgns from alcove. 

Arg, Youlre woundy haily, methinks, to knock at 
that rate— This is certainly feme courtier come to bor- 
row money, I know it by the &ucy rapping of the .foot* 
man t "Who's at the door? 

Rob. Tummoi ! [Witbaut doors* 

Arg. Tummos ! who^s Tummos? Who wou'd you ipeak 
with, friend ? 

Rob. W'-ith young mailer's vather- in-law that mua 
be, mafter Hardguts / 

Arg, And wbat's your buiinefs with mafter HarJguisf 

Rob, Why, young miftrefs is come outo' the country 
;to fee brother's wife that mun be, that's all. 

Arg, Odfo, the 'fquirc's fifter j I'm forry I made her 
"wait fo long, IGoes down and lets 'art im. 

Scene, A Chamber, 

Argus introducing Rovewell in woman's doatbs^fiUowed 
by Robin as a Clown, 

Arg, Save you, fair lady, you're Welcome to towm 

XRovcwcll rttr(/^^,) A very modeft- maiden^ truly. 

^^i-How long have you been in town ? 

r Itt^t. \7Vliy an hour and a bit or fo ■ w c juft put up 
[ Itorfes at King V Arms yonder, and (laid a crum to -zee 
I poor things feed, for your London ofllers give little 
i^ough to poor beails ; an* you flond not by 'em year 
ttlU and^ee 'em fed, as fbon as your back*8 tum'd| 
idod they'll cheat you afore your face. 

vfr^« Why how novr, Clodpate? are you to fpeak be« 
> fore your miflrefs, and with your hat on too ? Is that 
your country breeding ? 

Rob. Why, an' 'tis on, *tis on, an^ 'til off, 'tis off— 
%hat cares Tummos for your falfe-hearted London com- 
pliments ? An' you'd have an anfwer from young miftrefs, 
^ jou man look to Tummos *, for (he's fo main ba&ful, (he 
never ^eaks one word but her prayers, and thos'n fo 
ioMy that nobody can hear her. 

I jirg-, I like her the better for that j filence is a hea* 
▼enly virtue in a woman, but very rare to be found in this 
wicked place. ■ Have you feen your brother, pretty 
lady, fince you came to town ? (Rovewell curtfiyf,) O 
miraculous modefty ! wou'd all women were thus! Can't 
you fpeak. Madam ? [Rovewell vurt/iyj again* 

-Rob* Ad' you get a word from her, 'tis more nor (he 
(as fpoken to us thefe fourfcore and feven long miles ; 
hut young miflrefs will prate fail enough, an' you fct 
her among your women volk* 

Arg, Sgy^ft thou fo, honeft fellow ? I'll fend her to 
thofe that have tongue enough, I'll warrant you. Here, 
f Betty ! 

Enter Betty. 
[ Take this young lady to my daughter \ 'tis 'fquire 
I Cuckooes filler 5 and d'ye hear, make much of her, I 
charge you. 

Btt, Yes, Sir ■ ■ Pleafe to follow me, Madam. 
Rov* Now, you rogue, for a lie an hour and a half 
long, to keep the old fellow in fufpence. {^AJide to Ko- 
bin.) [£*// wub Betty. 

Rob, Well, mafter ! don't you think my midrefs a 
dainty young woman ? — She's wonderfully bemir'd in 
our country for her fhapes. 

Arg. Oh, (he's a fine creature, indeed !««But whcre's 
the 'fquire, hoftell friend ? . 

2 Rob^ 

289 'f^^ COVTKXVANCJiS. 

Robm Why, ortt cannot find a man out in -^liis fame 
Londotidiire, there are fo many taverns and chocklin 
houfen \ you may as well feek a needle iu a hay fardel, 
as the fay'n i' the country. — ^I was at Yquirc's lodging 
yonder, and there was nobody but a prat-apace whorfon 
of a foot-boy, and he told me maider was at chockling- 
houfe, and all the while the vixon did nothing but taunt* 
and laugh at me :■ ■ Pcod I could have found in my 
heart to have gi\i him a good wherrit in the chops. So 
I went to one checkling-houfe^ and t''other chockling- 
houfe, till I was quite weary •, and I could fee nothing 
but a. many people fupping hot fuppings, and reading 
your gazing papers : we had much ado to find out your 
worship's houfe 5 the vixo6 boys fct us oHhick fide, and 
that fide, till we were quite almoft loft 5 an' it were not 
for an honeft fellow that know'd your worlliip, and fet 
us i' the right way. 

^rg, 'Tis pity they (hould ufe ftrangcrs fo j but as 
to your young, miftrefs, does (he never fpeak ? • 

Rob. Adod, Sir, never to a mon \ why, (he wo'not 
fpeak to her own father, (he's fo main baOiful. 

j^rg^ That's ftrange indeed ! But how docs my friend 
Sir Roger ? he's well, I hope ? 

. Rob, Hearty ftill, Sir He has drunk down ^x 

fox-hunters fin laft Lammas I-^He holds his old courfe 
flill; twenty pipes a-day, a cup of mum in the morning, 
a tankard of ale at noon, and three bottles of ftingo at 
night. The fame mon now he was thirty years agoj 
and young 'fquire Yedward is juft come from varfityj 
lawd, he''s mainly grow'diin you faw him \ he's a fine 
proper tall gentleman now j why he*5 near upoti as tall 
as you or I, mun. 

Jfr^. Good now, good now ! But would'fl drink, bo- 
ncft friend ? 

Rob, I don't care an' I do^ a bit or fo j for, to {ay 
truth, I'm mortal dry. 
j^rg. Here, John ! 

Enter Servant. 
Take this honeft fellow down, and make him wel- 
come. When your miftrefs is ready to go, we'll call you. 
Rob. Ah ! pray take care and make jauch of inc, for 

( t am a l>tttcr lion eft fellow and you did but know me. 
I lExU Robin with Scm 

I ^rj?". Tbcfe country fellows are very blunt, but very 
I bone ft. I would fain • hear his miftrefs talk. He faid 
flieM End her tongue when (he was amongft thofe of her 
own fex. — 1*11 go liften for once, and hear what the 
young tits have to fay to one another. [£Ar/>. 

Enter Rove well, Arethufa, and Betty. 
RsVm Dear Arethufa, delay not the time thus 5 your 
father will certainly come in and furprife us. 

Bel* Let us make hay while the fun ililues, Mad.^ni : 
I long to be out of tbis prifon. 

Ar€. So do I^ but not on the Captain^s conditions, to 
be his prifoner for life. 

Rav, I ihall run mad if you tride thus : Name your 
^conditions -^ I iign my confent before hand. [^Ki/fei ber^ 
• Are, lodeedy Captain » I*m afraid to tsuft you* 

Ceafe to perfuade, 
I Nor fay you love fincerely \ 

When you've betray 'd, 

You'll treat me moft feverely. 

And fly what once you did purfue* 
Happy the fair 

Who ne'er believes you, 
But gives defpair, 
Or^lfe deceives you, 

And learns inconflancy from you. 
R(nK Unkind ArethufiEil I little expe^ed this ufagt 
from you. 

A I R. 
When did you fee 
Any falfehood in me, 
That thus you unkindly fufped me ) 
Speak, fpeak your mind ^ 
For I fear you're inclin'd» 
In fpite of my truth, to rejei^ m.t% 
If it mttft be fo, 
To the wars I will go. 
Where danger sny paffion (hall fmtthcr y 
I'd rather peri& there^ 
Vofc. IV, N ^ Than 

£^0 m CONT1LIV&NCE9« 

Tban linger in defpair^ 
Or fee you in the arms of another. 
Enter Argus bebtnd, 
Arg. So, fo, this is as it ffaould be \ ^bey are as gra* 
<ious as can be alread y H ow tlie young tit fmuggles 
lier ! Adody fhe kifles with a hearty good-will. 

Are* I muft confefs, Captain, I am half inclined to 
believe you. 

Arg. Captain ! how's this ! blefe my eye-fight ! I 
know the villain now \ but lUl be even with him. 

Bet. Dear Madam, don't trifle fo ^ the parfon's at the 
Tery next door, you'll be tack'd together in an inilant \ 
and then I'll trufl: you to come back to your cage again, 
if you can do it with a fafe confciencc. 
• Arg, Here's a treacherous jade! but I'll do your bufi- 
nefs for you» Mrs. Jezebel. 

Bet. Confider, Madam, what a life you lead here \ 
what a jealous, ill-natured, Watchful, covetous, barba- 
rous, old cuflF of a father you have to deal wit h 
What a glorious opportunity this is, and what a (ad, fad,, 
«ery fad thing it is to die a maid \ 

* A I R. 
* Would you live a ftale virgin for ever ? 
^ f Sure you're out of your fenfes, 

* Or thefe are pretences ; 

^ Can you |>art with a perfon fo clever ? 

* In troth you are highly to blame^ , 
*• And you, Mr. Lover, to trifle : 

*• I thought that a foldler 

* Was wifer and bolder ! 
^ A warrior (hould plunder and rifle ; 

^ A Captain ! Oh, fie for fhame !' 

Arg^ If that jade dies a maid, I'll die a martyr. 

Bet. In (hort. Madam, if you flay much longer, yoa 
may repent it every vein in your heart— —The old hank 
win undoubtedly pop in upon us, and difcover all, vdA 
then we're undone for ever. 

Arg^ You may go to the devil for ever* Mrs. Impu- 

Are* Well, Paptain^ if you (bou'd deceive me. 



iw. If I do, nay heaven 

jfre. Nay, no fwearing, Captain, for fear you ihould 
prove like the reft of your fcx." 

Rov. How can you doubt me, Arethufa, when you 
know how much I love you ? - 
; J^g, A wheedling dog! But I^ll fpoil his fpoit anofi* 
Bel, Come, come away, dear Madam ! ■ I have th« 
^ jewels ; but ftay, 1*11 go firft, tnd fee if the coaft be 
I dear, [Argus ffteeU her, 

\ -^^g* Where are you a-going, pretty maiden ? 
Bet, Only do— do-Mio---down ftairs. Sir. 
Arg. And what haftthou got there, child ? 
Bet, Nothing but pi— pi<-^pi-— pins, Sir* 
Arg, Here, give me the pins, and do you go to hell, 
Mrs. Minx. D-ye hear, out of my houfe this moment; 
thcfc are chaanber-}adea, foriboth— *— O tempara ! O 
I mores! what an age is this! Get you in, forfooth, I^li 
I talk with you anon. {Exit ATethufa.) So, Captain, are* 
{ thpfe your regimental cloaths? Pll aflure you they be« 
f. come you mightily. If you did but fee yourielf now, how 
I much like a hefo you look ! Ecceftgnum I ha, ha, 4)a ! 
Kov. Blood and fury ! Hop your grinning, or 1*11 
ilretch your mouth with a vengeance. 

Arg, Nay, nay, Captain Belfwagger, if youVe fo 
paflionate, 'tis high time to call aid and afli fiance: here, 
Richard, Thomas, John, help m^ to lay hold on thii 
fellow ^ you have no fword now, Cs^ain, no fwo^d, d*ye 
^ark me \ 

Enter Servants and Robin. 
Rob. But I have a piftol^ Sir, at your fervice. 

\FuUs out a piftoU 
Arg, O Lord ! O Lord ! 

Rov, And lUi \uiload it in your bread, if you Hir one 
ftep after me. 

Arg, A bloody minded dog ! But lay hold on that 
rogue there, that country cheat. 

Rob, See here, gentlemen, are two little bull- dogs of 
the fame breed, {f repenting two pifiols,) they arc won* 
derful fcourers of the brainy ' f o that if you offer to 
moleft or follow me "y ou underftand me, gentlemen^ 
you underftand me. , ' 
^1 Ser, Yes, yes, wc underftand you, with a por. 

N a 2 ^^f» 

I - 


2 Ser, The devil go with 'em, I fay. 
^rg* Aye, aye, gopd-bye to you, in the devil's name. 
—A terrible dog ! — what a fright he b^s put me in !— 
1 (han't be myfelf this laonth. And you, ye covrardly 
rafcals, to Hand by, and fee my life in danger^ get out, 
y^ (laves, out -of my houfe, I fay ■> I'll put an. end to 
all this 9 for I'll not have a fervant in the houfe.<>— I'll 
carry all the keys in my pocket, and never deep moretf 
What a murdering fon of a whore is this ! fiut I'll pre-i 
vent him ^ for to-morrow (he (hall be marry 'd certainly, 
and then my furious gentleman can have no hopes left. 
-A Jezabel, to have a red coat without any money ! 
-Had he but money^ if he wanted fenfe, manners, 
or even manhood itfelf, it matt^r'd not a pin ; b ut 
to want money is the devil! Well, I'llfecure her Hinder 
lock and key till to-morrow ^ and if her hufband can't 
keep her from captain-hunting, e'en let her bring him 
liome a freOi pair of horns ev'i y time (he goes out upoa 
tiie chace. [^Extt* 

Scene, A Cbamkfr^ 
Arethufa difeover'^djitting melancbofy on a cducb, 


leave me to complain 
My lofs of liberty ^ 

1 never more fliall fee my fwain# 
Nor ever more be free. - 

O cruel, cruel Fsitft !. . 
'' What joy can I receive, 

W^hen in the arms of one I hate,^ 

I'm doom'd, alas ! to live ! 
Ye pitying pow'rs above. 

That fee my foul's difmay, 
O bring me back the man I love^ 
Or take my life away. 
Enter Argus* 
j^rg. So, Lady 1 you're welcome home !■ ■ See 
how the pretty turtle fits moaning the lofs of her mate ! 
■ W hat, not a word, Thufy ? not a word, child ? 
Come, come, don't be in the dumps now, and I'll fetch 
the captain, or the 'fquire*s filler ^ perhaps they may 
make it prattle a bit— Ah, ungracious girl ! Is all my- 
care come to 1;hi3 ? Is this the gratitude you (hew your 



urtcle's memory, to throw away^what he had. bu (lied fa 
hard for at fo mad a rate ? Did he leave you 12,000 K 
think you, to make you no better than a foldrer's trXill ? 
to follow a camp ? to carry a knapfack ? This is what 
you'd have, Miftrefs, is it not ? 

Are, This, and ten thoufand times^ worfe, were better 
with the man I love, than to be chainM to the. naufeoua 
embraces of one I hate. 

Arg, A very dutiful lady, indeed ! I'U make you iing 
another fong to-morrow ; and till then, I'll leave you 
in /aha cuflodia^ to coniidcr. B'ye, Thufy ! 

Are, How barbarous is the covetoufnefs and cautioiv 
of ill natured parents ! They toil for eilates with a view- 
to make pofterity happy ^ and then, by miftaken pru^ 
idence, they match us to our averfion. But I am refol- 
ved not to fuflfer tamely, however. > 1 They ihall fee, 
though ~my body's weak, my reiblution's ilirong.^ and I 
«kay yet find fpirit enough to plague them* 

A I R. 
Sooner than I'll my love forefj^Oy 

And lofe the man I prize, 
I'll bravely combat ev'ry wo, 

Or fall a facrifice. 
Nor bolts nor bars ihall me controul,^ 

I death and danger dare ; 
' Reflraint but- fires the a6live foul> 

And urges fierce defpair. 
The window now (hall be my gate^ 

I'll either fall or fly \ 
Before I live with him I hate^ . 

For hlm'f love I'll die.^ \^Adieit* 

ScENB, T^he Street, 
* Hearty and Rove well meeting, 

* Roi>, So, my dear friend, here already ? T his is 

* very kind, 

* Hear, Sure, Captain, this lady muft have fomc ex- 
^ traordinary merit, for whom you undertake fuch dkfi- 

* culties I What are her particular charms befides her 

* money ? 

* Rov. I'll tell you, Sir. 


294 ^^^ C0NT1UVANC&8, 

'AIR. TA^ words by another band, 

* Without affe£lation, gay, youthful, and pretty j 

^ Without pride or meannefs, fafniliar and witty \ 

* Without forms, obliging, good-naturM and free j 

* Without art, as lovely as lovely can be- . 

* She a^s what (he thinks, and (he thinks what ilie fays^ 
' Re^gardlefs alike both of cenfure and praiCe \ 

* Her thoughts, and her words, and her anions, are fucb^ 

* That none can admire 'em, or praife her too much. 

Hear, Well, fuccefs attend you-. " Y ou know 

* where to find me when there's occafion. [Exit* 

Enter Rovcwcll and Boy. 

Boy, SiTf &ir, I want to fpeak with you. 

Rov, Is your miflrefs lockM up, fay you ? 

Boy, Yes, Sir, and Betty's turned away, and all the 
men-fervants ^ and there^s no living foul in the houfe but 
our old cook-maid, and I, and my maftcr, and Mrs* 
Thufy ^ and (he cries, and cries her eyes out almoft. 

Rov. O the tormenting news ! But if the garrifon is f<> 
weak, the caftle may be the fooner dormM. How did 
you get out ? 

Boy, Through the kitchen-window. Sir. 

Rov, Shew me the window prefently. 

Boy. Alack- a- day, it won't do. Sir ! That plot won^t 

Rov. Why, firrah ? 

Boy, You are fomething too big, Sin. 

Rev, I'll try that, however. 

Boy. Indeed, Sir, you can't get your leg in ) but I 
could put you in a way. 

RoVi How, dear boy ? * 

Boy, 1 can lend you the key of Mrs. Thufy's cham- 
ber—*-"- If you can contrive to get into the houfe- 
But you mufl be fure to let my miflrefs out- 

Rov, How c^uld'fi thou get it ? This is almoft a mi« 

Boy. I pick'd it out of my mailer's coat-pocket this 
morning, Sir, as I was a-bru(hing him. 

Rov. that's my boy! There's money for you > thia 
child will come to good in time. 



Boy. My mafter will mifs me. Sir ^ I muft go^ Wt X 
wiih you good luck* 

A I R. 
Arethufa at the window aiove, 
A dialogue between her and RovcwclL ' 
Raiv.. Make hafle and away, my only dear \ 
Make hafte, and away^ away ! 
For all at the gate, 
Your true lover does waity 
And I prithee nuike no delay* 
Are. O how (hall I fteal away, my lov« I 
O how (hall I fteal away I 
My daddy is near,^ 
And I dare not for fear ^ 

Pray, come then another day* 
Rov, O this- is the only day, my life^ 
O this is the only day I 
VU draw him afide. 
While you throw the gates wide. 
And then you may ileal away* 
^re. Then prithee make no delay, my dear)^ 
Then prithee mak-e no delay : 
We'H fei^e him a trick j, 
FoJr I'll fUp in the nick, 

And with my true love away* 
O Cupid, befriend a loving pair,- 

O Cupid, befriend us, we pray t 
May our ftratagems t^e, 
For thine own fweet fake } 
And, Amen ! let all true li^vers* !ay. 

[Arcthufa wubdrawsi 
Enter Robin ay a lawyer^ andfoldiers. 
Rob. So, my hearts of oak, are you all ready I 
Sold, Yes, a n't pleafe ybur honour. 
Rov. You know your cue, then ■ t o your poft* 
\Jtbey retire to a corner oftbejlage'^ be knocks fmartly 

at the door. , -^ 

Rob. What, are you all afleep, or dead, in the houfe, . 
that you can't hear ? 

£Argus, holding the door in his band* 
-\ N4 Arg. 

I ' 


Arg^ Sir, y©u are very hafty, methinks- 

Rob, Sir, my bufiaefs requires hafte. 

Arg. Sic, you had better iaaake.:hafle about it, for I 
know no bufinefs you have bthre^ v ' 

Rob, Sir, I am come to tailli witli~you on an afFsm: of 
confequence. . i-^ ' 

Arg. Sir, I don't love taJKliffg 5 I know you not, and 
cohfequently can have no affairs with you. 

Rob, Sir, not know me ! 

Arg, Sir, 'tis enough for me to know myfelf. 

Rob, A damnM thwarting old dog this fame. (^AfiJe?\ 
Sir, I live but juft in the next ftreet. V^^ ^'^« 

Arg.. Sir, if you liv'd at Jamaica, 'tis the fame thing 
to me. 

Rob, (afide.^ >! find coaxing won't do. I muil change 
my note, or I (hall never unkennel this old fo x ■ ( To. 
him,) Well, Mr. Argus, there's no harm done ^ fo take 
your leave of 3000 L You have eiK>ugh of your own al- 
ready. [Going. 

Arg, How, 3000 1. ! I muft inquire into this. {^Afide^ 
Sir, a word with you, 

Rob, Sir, I have nothing to fay to you. I took jou 
to be a prudent perfon^ that knew the worth of moQey, 
and how to improve it 5 but I find I'm dcceiv*d. 

Arg, Sir, I hope you'll excufe my rudenefs j but, you 
know, a man cannot be too cautious. 

Rob, Sir, that's true, and therefore I ezcufi; you 5 but 
I'd take fuch treatment from bo m^n in England befides- 

Arg, Sir, I beg your pardon \ but to the bufinefs. 

Rob. Why, thus it is : a fpendthrift young fellow i» 
galloping through a plentiful fortune: I have lent 2GOoL 
upon it already ^ and if you!ll advance an equivalent, 
we'll fore-clofe the whole e{late,.aBd (hare it between usj 
for I know he can never redeem it. 

Arg, A very judicious man yVm forry I affronted him. 
^j€fide,) But how is this to be done ? 

Rob, Very eafily. Sir. — A word in your ear 5 m little 
jmore this way. 

[^Draws him qfide; thefildiersgtt between On aad 
the doot, 

Arg. But the tide, Sir,^ the title-? 



- Rob, Do you doubt itiy veracity ? 

^rg. Not in the Icaft, Sir 5 but one cannot be too 

R06, That's very true, Sir 5 and therefore I'll make 
fiirc of you, now I have you, 

[Robin iri/>s up his heels •, thefoldiers blindfold and 
gag him, and ^and over him, while Rove well car^ 
cries Arethufa of; after which they tea*^ hitn^ he 
making a great noife. 

Enter Mob. 
JUL What's the matter, what's the matter ? 

{They ungag him^ &c; 
jirg, O neighbours, I'm ruin'd and murder'd, ruin'd^ 
and undone for ever. 

1 Mob. Why, what's the matter, matter ? 

jirg, Thef e's 2^ whole legion of thieves in my houfe j;. 
they gagg'd and blindfolded me, and oflfer'd forty na«^ 
ked fwords at my bread ■ I beg of you to affift me, OJC 
the'll drip the houfe in a minute. 

2 Mob. lorty drawn fwords fay you, "Sir ? 
jirg. Ay, and more, I think, on my confcience. 

2 Mob^ Then, look you, Sir, I'm ^^arry'd man, and^ 
have a large family j I would not venture among fuch » 
parcel of blood-thirfty rogues for the world 'y but if you 
pleafe, I'll run and call a condable. 

jill. Ay, ay, call a conftable, call a conftable. 

Arg, I (han't have a penny left, if we ftay for a con- 
ftable— -—I am but one man \ and^ as old as I am, I'Uf 
lead the way, if you'll follow me. [Going ifn 

Ail. Ay, ay, in, in, follow, follow, huzza ! 

I Mob^ Prithee, Jack, do you go in, if you come to- 

4 Moh. Igo iu ! what Ih'ould I go in- for ? I have I0& 

Worn. What, nobody to help the poor old gentle- 
man ? odds bobsl if 1 was a man, I'd follow him my- 


3 Mob. Why don't you, then ? What occafionablenefe 
Jiave I to be killed for him or you*either ? 

Enter Robin a^ Conjlable. 
All. Here's Mr. Conftable, here's Mr. Conftable. 
JLoh. Silence, in the king's namV' 


Jin, Ay, filence, filence. 

i?e^/ What's the meaning of this riot ? WBo ma&e» 
all this diHurbance ? 

1 Mob. I'll tell you, Mr^ Conftable. 

3 Mob. An't pleafe your worfhip, let me (peak. 

Ritb^ Ay, this man talks like a man of parts— What'» 
the matter, friend ? 

. 3 Mobi, Aik't pleafe your noble worship's honour and 
glory, we are his Majefly's liege fubjeAs, and were ter- 
rify 'd out of our habitations and dwelling-places, by si 
cry from abroad^ ^ which your noble wor(bip mufl under- 
Hand was occafionable by the gentleman of this boufcf 
who was £0 unfortunable as to be killed by thieves, who 
are now in his houfe to the mimberation of above fort^ 
an't pleafe /our worihip, all completely arm'd with pow- 
der and ball, back-fwords^ piilols^ bayonets, and blun« 

Bjob, But what is to be done in this c»f)» ? 

•3 Mob, Why, an pleafe your worftiip',' knowing youJ 
noble honour to be the King's Majieffy's noble officer of 
the peace, we thought 'twas beft your honour (hou'd 
come and terrify thefe rogues away with- your noble aa** 

Rob, Well faid, very well faid, indeed ! ■ Gentle* 
men, I am the King's officer, and I command you in 
the King's name to aid and affiil me to call thofe rogjies 
out of the houfe— Who's within there ? I charge you 
come out in the King's name, and fubmit yourfelves to 
cmr royal authority. 

Argus 7^0192 the boufi. 

2 Mob^ This is the gentleman that was killed, aoH 
pleafe your worfhip. 

j^rg, O neighbours, I'm' ruin'd an4 undone for ever! 
They have, taken away all that's dear to me in tht 

I Mob. That's his money ; 'tis a fad. covetous dog ! 

Rob. Why» what's the matter ? What have they done > 

^r^. O they have taken mw child from me, my 

Rob. Good lack f 

3 Mob. Marry come up, what valuation can &e he ? 
JBut have they taken nothing elfc > 



Arg. Wou'd they had ftript my hoafe of cveiy penny 
Worth, fo they had left my child. 

1 Mob. That's a lie, I belierc j for he loves his money 
more than his foul, and wou'd fooner part with that than 
'a groat. 

Arg. This is the Captain*s doings 5 but 111 have \astk 

Rob. But where are the thieves \ 

Atg. Gone, gone, beyond all hopes of porfint. 

2 Mob. What, are they gone ? Then, come neigh* 
hours, let us go in, and kill every mother's child of 'enf* 

Rob. Hold, I charge you to commit no mUrder \ fol- 
low me, and well apprehend them. 

Arg. Go, villains, cowards, fcoundrels, or I ifaall fuf- 
pe£l you are thb thieves that mean to rob me of what is 
yet left. Ho.v brave you are, nov^ all the danger's over ? 
Oh, Sirrah, you dog ! {looking at Robin.) you are that 
rogue, Robin, the Captain's man. Seize him, neigh*, 
hours, feize him ! 

Rob. {afide.^ I don^t care what you da, for the job's 
over 9 I fee my mafler a-conung, 

Arg. Why don't you feize him, I fay ? 

1 Mob. Not we, we have lofl too much time about an 
odd fool already. 

2 Mob^ Ajy the next time you're bound and gagg'd^ 
you fhall lie and be damn'd for me. 

3 Mob. Ay, and me too^ come along, neighbours^ 
come along; [^Exeunt Mob\ 
Enter Rove well, Hearty, Arethufa, Betty^ and Robin.^> 

Arg. Blefs me ! who have we got here ? O Thofy ! 
Thufy ! I bad rather never have feen thee again, thaa- 
have found you io fuch company* 

Ar^* ^^i I hope my^hufband^ company, is not erimi-- 
nal ? ' 

Arg. Your huftjand^? who's your huftand, houfcwifef 
t^iat fcoundrel ? * Captain — Out of my fight thou ungra- 
cious wretch !—— -I'H go make my will this inftant 
and you, you villain; how dare you look me iu the face 
after all this ?— — I '11 have you hang'd, Sirrah 5 I tlill 
fo. ... 

Hear. O fie, brother Argus, moderate your paflion* 
It ill becomes the fricndflup you owe Ned Worthy, to 

N6 vilify 


▼ilify^and affront bis only child, and for m) ot&er crime 
than improving that friendfhip which has ever been b^ 
tween us. 

jirg. Ha, my dear friend alive ! I heard thou vreit 
dead m the Indies — And is that thy ion ? and my god- 
Ion too, if I am not miflaken. 

Hear. The very fame — the laft and beft remams of oar 
family j forced by my wife's cruelty, and my abfence, to. 
the army. My wife is iince dead, and the fon (he had 
by her former hniband, whom (he intended to heir my 
eilate; but fortune guided me by chance to my dear boy^ 
who,, after twenty years abfence, and changing my name, 
knew me not, till I juft now difcovered myfelf to faia 
and your fair daughter, whom I will make him ^eferve, 
by thirty thoufand pounds, which I brought from India,, 
beiides what real eftate I may leave him at my death. 

^rg. And to match that; old boy, my daughter (ball 
have every penny of mine, befides her uacleV legacy— 
Ah, you young rogue, had I known you, I would not 
have us'd you fo roughly ' However, fince you have 
won my girl fo bravely, take her, and welcome — But 

you muil excufe all faults ^the old ntan meant all for 

the beft ; you muft not be angry. 

Kov» Sir, on the contrary, wc ought to beg your per- 
don for the many difquiets we have given you \ and with 
your pardon, we crave yoar blefSng E^^ hnteL 

Arg, You have it, children, with all my heart. A- 
dod, X am fo tranfported, I don^t know whether I walk 
or fly. 

Ar^. May your joy be everlafiing ! 

RovewelliiWArethufa embracing 

Thus fondly careflinff. 

My idol, my treafure, 
How great is the blefliog ! 

How fweet is the pleafure T 
With jo^ I behold thee. 

And dqat on thy charmis j 
Thus while I unfold thee, 
I\e heav'a in my arms. 


F L OR A; 




^1 ■ ■ » 

Sir ^emas Tefy* 

Friendly, a gentieman in love with Florm, 
Hohy a fimplfi coantrf fellow* 
Old Hob, Hoh'% father. 
Dicky fervant to Friendly, 
Reger^ fervant to Sir Tbtnas^ 
W O M X N. 

FUra^ niece to Sir Tbomaiy in lore with Fritndljt 
■^Bttty, her maid* 
IWs mother. 

ScENE^M S9merjffjhin, 


A C T I. 

After the Overture^ Flora and Betty difcoveredl 

A I R L 
Xc&thc tune ©f, Ai noon^ one fultry fummer*s do^jfi- 


How wretched ure we orphans made,. 
By dying parents wills betray'd 
To guardians powers, who oft invadb 
Our freedom to our coft ! 
Xike captives they their wards confine. 



3oa jpioKAj OR, ^L 

Pretending care j but with d^figxr 
To proftitute 'em for their coin, 

To whoe'er bids the mod. 
Beu Madam. 

F/a. 'Tis a fad life I lead here. 
^ Bet. Life, indeed, Madam, is a fad thing any wherer 

* to lovers that are uncoupled. 

* Fio. W^rt thou ever in love, Betty ? 

^ BeU O ii\o(l cruelly, Madam 'y but the man I lov'd- 

* had another n^ore darling miftrcfs. .call'd claret— for 
^ whofe fweet fociety I was forfaken. 

, * J\w I R II. 7e beaux of phafure^ ' 
*" The men of pleafure, 
' Who count the- feifur« 
*" Of virgin-treafure 

. ' A pleaiiag. talk \ 
' No fooner gain it^ 

* But they refrain it, 

* Nay, oft difdain it, 

• For t'other flaik. 
^ Flo, And how do. you find yourfelf now ? 

* Bet. As moil folks are, aftes the lo& of an old lover; 

* Fk. How's that) ? . 

* Bet» Ready for a new one. 

* Flo. Would I were of thy humonr—— Bht' my filly 
heart's fo fet upon Mr; Friendly, that all mankind befide 
are no more than my own fex to me. 

^'Bet. Then you^ muft have him. Madam, or yoii^ go 

* into a confumption— 

^ Flo. Ay, but how fHall I come at him, Betty > 

* Bet, W^hy, run a riik. Madam* 

* Fio. What ri(k ?' 

Bet. Run away with him. 

Flo. Pfhal How is that pofliBle I * wlfen my nncle 
^'locks me up as if I were his only bottle of brandy. 

' Bet. You know, Madam, I have fometimes the keyS' 
*• of both in my keeping— and if you pleafe to uncoxk 

* your confcience, I?ll undertake, in ^eight-and-forty 
*■ hours, Mr. Friendly (hall have at leaft half-a-dozen go-- 

* downs of you. 

* F/o. Ah, Betty ! I'm afraii you flatter mt. 




' S^/. Nay, Madam, you are as good a judge of that 
*^ as I } for you mud own he has a very promifing per* 


* Flo. Piha ! I don^t think of his perfon. 

^ BeU lisnj other woman thought half fo much of it,. 

* you wouM pull her commode for her. 

' F/o, Pooh !^ £ut ' I mean* I am afraid you are not 
iincere in your advice ^ and that if I (houM truft you witb 
any defign of that nature, you wou^d difcover it to my 

Bet. Ah \ but if I were to live with you, and have my 
wages raisM after you married— I kmow whofe fufpicioor 
does me a great deal of wrong. 

F/o. Swear theato be true, and I will trail you.. But,, 
dear Betty, be out of the fafhion for once, and Ji^eep yous 
oath 'y 1*11 tell you why I fo earneftly intreat you. 
AIR III. / who once was great, noto little am grown. 
Cudom prevailing, fo long 'mongft the great, 

Make^ oaths eafy potions to ueep on. 
Which many (on gaining good places) repeat|. 
Without e^er deiigniag to' keep. one. 
Tor an oath?s feldom kept, as a virgin *s fair fame f 
A lover *s fond vows, or a. prelate's good name \ ^ 
A lawyer to truth >. a flatefman from blame 3 
Or a patriot -heart in a courtier. 
Bet, titxt then, I fwear, by all my hopes and perqui- 
fites^ by the fweet profits oJF my place in view, and double 
wages in reveiiion y by your ^acM (hoes too big, and 
thofe too little; by- the filk gownryooll give me at your 
wedding ; by all ' your mantuas, heads,, hoops, (hort 
^ hoods and cloaks^ and as I hope your lail blue atlas 

* never will be worn again !' I fwear 

Flo. That you will inviolably keep my fecrets, and af« 
fid me, to your utmoft,. in running away with Mr. 

Bet.l fwear. 

Flor. Then I will trud you \ and when Pin married^ 
Betty, every article of your oath {hall be made good to 
yoB — Look here then, here's a letter L had jud written 
to Mr. Friendly,, wherein Pve pr/omifed,-at twelve o'clock 
to-night, to be upon the mount in the garden y and if 
lie will take care to meet me on t'other dde, asd fet a 


304 wzoajL^xoLf jt9L 

ladder again ft the wall, I'll tofs over my Baiid>box, ven- 
tHre catching cold in thip dew, and take mj fortune with 

Bet. There's mettle in the proposal, Madam— Let's 
fee the letter ; he fhall have it in a quarter of an hour, 
though I carry it mjfelf. 

ffa. But I won't venture neither, unlefs his anfwer 
tells he'll be ready— So, dear Bettj, be careful j I have 
no mortal to truft but- thee. 

Bet, And no mortal fitter to be trufted. {Exit, 

Fh, So, now my heart's at eafe ■ I find my rcib* 
lution's good at the bottom ; and fince I have fet my 
head upon running away, 'tis not my old uncle nor the 
garden -wall ihall ftop me, though he were as wife as a 
i)i(hop, aad the wall as high as a church-fteeple. 
AIR IV. Man in imagination. 
Though my uncle flrives to immure me. 
My lover''s voice will lure me ^ 
To leap from the mount o'er the garden- wall^ 

' And fly this hated place» 
Oh, a tedious day to me 'tis y 
But when Sol's in the arms of his Thetis, 
Swift as a roe (at my heroes call) 

I'll elude my hunter's chace. 


Enter Sir Tho. Tefty: 
Sir Tho. How now, Mrs. Irreverence ! Am I foch t 
kobgoblin that, you ftart at the fight of me ? 

Fio, Sir, I did not think any harm \ but when yon- 
come upon one unawares ■ 

Sir Tho, Unawares I What ! I furpns'd you then ? 
Your head was full of other matters, which, I fuppofe, 
that clofe committee of the fie(h and the devil haveab(b- 
hitely refolv'd to be the fundamentals of your conftitu- 
^ A I R V. As I was walking through Hyde-Fork. 

* When a girl fifteen years does attain, 

* Love's follies invading her brain, 

* Her virtue's held by a flight rein.. 

* For equipage, hurry, and noife, 

* Gay cloathing, and fuch female tojf, 
* She'll forego more fubftantial joys. 


*' -To a feather or powderM toupee 
' Her heart iboh a captive wou'd be* 

' To keep fuch a one chafte, we muft lock her up faft: 

' That maxim beft pleafes me.* 

Fh. Lord, Sir, how flrangely you talk to one ! 

Sir Tifo, Talk ! you malapert ^ why, who (houM talk 
to you but I ? Who am I, hufiy' who am I ? 

F/o« You are my uncle by relation, my guardian by 
my Father's will, and my jailor againft mine.-- 

Sir T&a. Then while you are my prifoner, huffy , how 
dare you take fuch liberty ? 

. FJ9» Becaufe liberty^ Sir, is the fweeteft thing a pri^ 
foner can take. 

Sir Tbo, Don^t you think in your confcieace now, 
imftrefs, you defcrre to be lock'd up ? 

Flo, I think in my confcicnce you ought talet me 
marry, fincc Pve a mind to't. 

Sir TUfo, Prov<dLisg ! Dare you own this to my face ^ 

F/o. Why, Sir, is' t a fault ? You have kept me in pri- 
ibn for thefe ten months, and I dM not know but my 
xonfelfing it might deferve a little of your mercy. 

Sir Tbo, Aftoniihing ! The devil has harden'd you^ 
huffy ! you are a fight ! Go, go to your chamber } people 
will ftare at you ; I would not have you feen abroad in 
this condition for— — O Lord ! your brain's turnM I 
You (hall bleed, miftrefs ; I'll have your room darkened » 
Water-gruel, difcipline and water gruel, ye gods ! 

F/o, Look'e, uncle, I find you have a mind to drive 
me to a hard bargain *, therefore, to let you fee that I am 
no hagler, I'll make you an offer which ihall fairly come 
up to the moll you can make of me— As thus— 

Sir Tbo. What new diftradion haft thou got in thy 
head now ? 

Flo, Hear me. You know I have 8000I. to my for- 
tune, and that by my father's will you are to be allow'd 
the whole intereft of it, till I am either married or o£ 
age, to reimburfe your expences in maintaining me ; 
which faid maintenance, by a modeft computation, may 
Hand you in — let me fee— about feven or eight pounds, 
^a^year, for I have no cloaths but my mother's.)— Now, 
Sir, if you'll 4mmediately giv^ me the liberty of marry- 
ing the man I have a mind to, I'U engage he fiialixonA 


goi FLORA ^ 0%f AB I^ 

you know no man is willing to bring Idmzel into a pTi"* 
munire if he con help it. 

FrL No, no-^Prithee be gone. 

Hob, I will, Zir, I will— for-— for — Pray, Zir, be 
pleasM to read the zuperfcription for me. 

Fru S^death> how I am tortur'd with this foolifh fel- 
low, and I can fend nobody elfe without being (ufpeded 
— -I>onH trouble thyfelf with the fuperfcription, but de- 
liver it as I bid thee. 

Hob» Very good, Zir, very good— 'Tis main dark-*' 
Wou'd it not do as well, Zir, if I ihould carry it in the 
morning ? I had rather go in the morning. 

Fri. Wh V fo ? 

Hob, Why, truly, Zir, I'll tell you : at the lower end 
of Zir Tomas's orchard, one of our poor neighbours be* 
ing in a diCparaging condition, has gone and hang'd him^ 
zel-^Now there is zome do zay that he walks by night 
in zeveral zorts of fhapes. 

FrL What, and fo you are afraid, are you ? 

Heb, No, indeed, Zir, ch'am not afraid ' ■ I thanfcl 
marcy, I defy the devil and all his works. 

Fri, A pox on thee then, get thee gone. 

Hob* Though I mud tell you, I have a great concait be 
will appear to me,-— vor, you mud knaw, to-moirrow the 
crowncr's queft is to zit upon him, whereof, d'ye zec^ 
I'm to be one : and who knows but he may have zome* 
thing upon his fpirits that may make him break his mind 
to me 'y and if zo, let me tell you, I'm afraid it will make 
ft bad day for zomebody— -vor, if Zir Tomas had kepi 
his fences whole, mayhap this man had ne'er bec^n tempt- 
ed to ha' gone into his ground to ha' hang'd himzel. 
But be that as it will, I'll do your buiinefs vor you^! 
therefore pray take you no care, Zir—— | 

F/'i. Prithee about it then. ! 

Hob, Ay, ay, I'll warrast you, don*t trouble yonrzd 
no vurder— vor if I zay I'll do't, I'll do'tj that's my 
2iumour. [J^emU* 

Enter Sir Thomas anJ Servants. 

Sir Tbo, • 'Twill be a hard matter to fink any of the 
• principal, indeed j fo that, cou'd the girl make good the 
f propofal, I wou'd not care how Coon (he were kifc'J 
f -black in the face 5 but ihuuld I give her the Icaft liberty 

* upon'tf 

4B L BOB m TB£ WELL. ^O^ 

^ Qpon^t, 'tis pofiible, when fhe has made ufe onH, her 

* confcience might deiire to be off. And I dare fweaf 
' her lover will (pare neither care nor coil to come at her 
f without mj confent \ and gold in particular has a pre- 
^ vailing influence in a love-affair*, therefore I muft watch 

* my ward myfclf— Servants may be corrupted* 

' A I R VIII. We'll Uarn to be merry and wi/e. 

* To guard my Hefperian tree 

* Requires more care than of old ^ 

* That was robbM by a half deity^ 

* And without the aOiilance of gold. 

' But, in this age, gold foftens the mind, 

* A governante's tongue 'twill lay mute, 

* Charm prudes, make a coy virgin kind, 

* .Whilft a lover (with eafe) deals the fruit.* 

l)'yc hear, rafcals ! look (harp ^ for this is the nfual hour 
that your foft fighing rogues run a caterwauling. 

Ser, Sir I Sir! yonder's fomebody with a light coming 
down the field. 

Sir Tbo. Stand ftill then, and obferve. 

Enter Hob wiftfi/ing, 

Hob. Zo, this is the houfe — now let me fee«»how fliall 

•I go about to do this zame bufinefs ? If that old fox, 

w Thomas, (hou'd Ypy me, he'd maul me vpr zartaia 
——But let me clone, I'll be cunning enough for him^ 
Wl warrant ye— If he zees me, he muft have more eyes, 
than two.— —Hold, hold, now let me zee for this fame. 

Icttcr^O, here it is ^for Madam Flo— Flo— . 

Madam Flora. 

Sir Tbo» Where are you carrying this letter, friend ? 

[Sir Tho.f notching i/. 

Bo^. Letter, Zir ? 

Sir Tbo . Letter, Sir ! ay, letter, Sir ! who did you- 
bring it from ? 

Hob. Bring it vrbm, Zir ? I brought it from nobodyi 
oot I, 

Sir 77f^» How came you by it ? 

Hob, By it, Zir ? I did not buy it j why, I vound it 
itt my pocket, Zir. 

Sin Tbo, Found it in your pocket ! —What, did it 
gt^w there then, ha ? Where are you going with it ? 


JZ9 IriLORA; OR, Jtttt^ 

Hoh. Going with it, Zir ? I dan't know Wliere cb'am 
going with it, not I. 

Sir Tifo* What do you -here at this time o^night ? 

Ho^. I can^t tell what I do here, not I — 1^1 go home, 
^lij if you pleafe— -I wi(h you a good night. 

Sir 7^0. .Hold, hold, a little, friend j let me reward 
you firft for bringing it, however. 

Ho^, Not a varthingy Zir ^ indeed, I muft not take one 
varthing, for Maifter Friendly charg'd me to th' contra- 
ry^ therefore, pray, dan't oflFer it. 

Sir Tbo^ O, did he fo > But fomething I will give 

you, however : Pray take that, and that, firrah.' 

{^Beais bim. 

Hob. O Lard I O Lard ! what de ye ftrik'n vor ? 
avore Gad, I'll take the law oF you, iLtt an I don't— 
what, do you go to murder me ? 

Sir Tbo. I'll law you, you rogue— are you their kt- 
ter-carrier ? there's more for you, firrah. 

Hob. Bear witness, bear witnefs, see an you danH pay 
for this, O Lard ! O Lard ! 

Sir Tbo, Here« firrahs, lay hold of him« till I examine, 
the letter. Let's fee—" To Mrs* Flora"— right.- 

" The propofalyou mention, in cafe of extremity, will 
^ certainly do ^ but it will be a much pleafanter piece of 
** juftice to bite him for his barbarity. {^Afon of a voborey 
** he means me to before). The ladder, and all things 
** (hall be ready exaftly at twelve to-night, (pons!). If 
** you have any thing farther of moment, this fellow is 
* honeA, and will convey it fafc to your eternal lover, 

• . ** Tom FniKNfa.T." 

ITes, yes, I find he is honeft, with a pox to him. and I'll 
reward him accordingly — ^Mere, deiire that honed gen- 
tleman to walk down to the bottom of that well— -And 
let him (lay there 'till I call for him. 

Hob. I con't do it, as I hope to be zav'd I con^t^ praj 
Torbear, and don't murder an innocent man. 

lFa//s en his hneeu 

AIR IX. My father be i^sne a weakby eftaie. 
Sings. I never 'till now was conzarn'd in ftrife \ 

Have mercy, Sir Tomas, and Ibare poor Hob's 




I M L SOB iM m WELL. 3x1 

I And ghee me my vreedom, as I had bevore-* 

I'll be a good boy, and 1*11 do zo no more. 

Indeed I won't— 

Str Tio, In VFith him, I fa y * 

Ho&. O Lard! Maifter Jonathan, Ivorewarnyoa,dan*t 
be conzarn'd in this : Conzider what you do« 

Sw Tbo, Oons ! in with him. 

Hob. You are all principals, there are no 'complifhes 
in murder. Help ! Murder ! 

[Tbey put htm down^ and exfunt* 

Scene, A Chamber. 

Enter Flora. 

F/o. I heard a ftrange noife without : I wiih things go 
as they (hou'd— ^ My heart beats, as if Mr. What-d'ye- 
^ call 'em were in my arms.' — ^Well, this love's a terrible 
thing— Wou'd the word on't were orer j I'fti afraid I 
ihall never be &ble to go through vvith it— I am furc 
here's an odd bultle about it. 

Enter Betty. 
How now ? 

Bet» Undone! undone! Madam ! Yo]ir uncle has inter- 
cepted Mr. Friendly's letter in anfwer to yours, and all 
your deiigns are difcovered ^ he raves and tears like a 
nuidman^ and in his paflion he has thrown the poor fei* 
low that brought it into the great well, and fwears if any 
body offers to help him out, without his order, he'll 
throw them in after him. 

Flo, Well, if I am here alive, I thought it wou'd come 
to nothing — It vexes the heart of me. 

Bet, £ut come. Madam, don't be wholly difcouraged^ 
for John tells me, 'tis a hundred to one but the fellow's, 

Flo Pfha 1 i wifli my uncle was drown'd in his room. 

Bet. No, Madam, but he'll be hang'd, and that's as 

Flo. Do you really think fo ? 

Bet, Poz. 
. Flo, Then I'll marry in fpite of his teeth. 

Bet, Right 5 when he's in one noofe, you may flip in- 
to t'other. 

Flo. Dear B^tty, fiiep out and fee how 'tis with the 


jr^ PLORA ; OR, j§B L 

f^oWy for I^ffl in a thouiand frights ; and if things are 
—you know kow,— ofk when the afiizes begin. 

lExii Betty, 

AIR X. The /aft with the nut brown hair. 

* To forgive, fure is great, 

* But revenge for wrong's fweet, 

' So for once let refentment prevail. 

* My guardian relation 
^ Is in a fituation 

' Should move a foft breaft to bewail \ 

* But his fordid cruelty 

* Has fo perverted me, 

^ I can hear of his death without pain. 

* When he's fwinging in his (hoes^ 
. * I'll fix my marriage noofe, 

* And (with juilice) great Hymen fhall reign*. 

' lExii: 
Scene, The Welly &c. 
Enter Old Hob and bis Wife. 
O. Hob. Come, wife, never troubble thyzelf, a wullg« 
a rawging zometimes, and there's an end on't, a wuU 
come home again I warrant 'un. 

Wife, I think o' my confcience 'tis no great matter 
whether he docs or no. — A bafe raugue, to be out of the 
way at fuch a bufy time as thick is. 7^he zun has been 
up this hour and quarter, and that graucelefs boy, I 
warrant, has not been abed yet. Prithee, huiband, flep 
and zee aii he ben't zooting at the park-gate, and I'll 
draw the water in the mean titne. . 
- 0, Hob, Do you then. {Exit, 

Wife^ This boy's the plague of my life, I thin k 
Hwere more than time the gammon had been boiled by 
now. And now the volk will come to the wake bevore 
He be cold — ani then it waun't be vlt to be eaten— *A 
jackanapes ! when I bii'eri, and beg 'eii, and prayed 'en. 
to ftay, and he would go-r-And yet notwithllaBding all 
I have zaid, cou'd I lay eyes on him, I fhau'd vorget bit 
roguery, and vorgiv'n. • 

. , A I R XI. Thff Logan vfattr isfi deep,, 
Sings, The (hepherdefs with looks difmay'd, 
Becanfe her fa v'rite iamb hjfits .flray^d ^ 
t II 

M L ROB IN TftX WtLL. 5^5 

In angry fearcfa her time employs ! 
But found — that paffion's loft in joys. 
So will it be with iilly me, 
When next my truant-boy I fee ; 

My heart pleads ftrongly on his fide, ^ 

And I Qiall rather kifs than chide. 
Here have I been blading the poor boy for not minding 
his buiinefs, and, at the fame time, negled my own *, I 
mud hade to wiod up the bucket, or I fliall have huihand 
back bevore Pve drawn a drop of water. 

{Gees to the v>ell^ cndjings \ Did you not hear, &c, 
Lud, lud, *tis main heavy— -Heyday — I believe old Nick's 
in the bottom o' the bucket, for my part. (Hob cries out,) 
Oh, a ghott ! , a ghoft 1 

[Hob appear/ in the hachetijhe lets the rope go^ mnd 
be Jinks again. 

Enter Old Hob. 
0. Hob. Heyday ! what's the matter, with a murraiti 
t'ye ? is the woman in her tantrums ? 

Wife. A ghoft ! a ghoft I— Hob's ghoft in the well— 


0. Hoh. The woman's turnM vool, I think-— let me 
zee \ if the devil be in the well, I'll vetch 'en out on't — 
here's a rout indeed— Wauns ! I think the devil be in 
the bucket— But now I have got 'en half way, I'll 
knaw what zort of a devil 'tis j and if he bcn^'t a zivil 
one, I'll zouze 'en and zop 'en in the bottom agen. 
Y, Hob. Ah ! bau'd vaft, vathcr, 'tis I ! 'tis 1 1 
Wife, Ah ! 'tis there agen. ^ 

0. Hob, Haud your peace, I zay \ the devil can't get 
i io a word for you, I think— Who's there ? Hob ? 
Y.,Hob, Ay, vor lov's zakc pull away, vather, 

io. Hob. Prithee lend's thy hand, wifc^Blefs my 
eyes ! 'tis Hob indeed— *What in the name of wonder 
doft thou here, lad I 

Yi H^h, Ah I da n't afk queftions now, vather .get 

me home — Zir Tomas has don't •, but it there be law in 

^11 the king's kingdom, I'll capias .'en vor zartain j I 

•dan't knaw but it may pro^e th'e death of me; I'll zue 

•him next hizi'-prizis, an't coft me vorty (hillings. I'll 

Jtue him, come on't what will— zee if I don't make him 

y vor't. 

Vol. IV. . O AIR 


^^4 FLORA} OR, A3h 

A I R XIL To an hijh tune. Trio. 
W^e. Oh ! my poor bojr, 
•O. Hob, His looks are ftark wild. 

Wife. Cou'd Sir Thomas dcftroy 
O, Hob. So hopeful a child ? 

T. Hob. Ill revenge if I con. 
Wife, Ah ! tilk fi> no more* 

O. Hob. He^s a great mon, 
O. Hob and ^^^. And we are but poor* 
21 Hob. All you do zay can fignify nothing, 

I^U capias 'en for% let coil what it will. 
Wife. Go to bed, boy, whil'H I get thee dry clothing. 
O. Hob. Think thou art taught to return good for ill? 
T. Hob. I'll india 'en i' th' crown. 

And bind o'er to the feilions, 
Tho'f I zell my heifer and the auld mare ^ 

Udfblead, I'd hang 'en or drown 'en. 
O. Hob, Forbear zuch expreffions. 

Wife. Prithee vorgive, and be not zevere. 
Ti Hob. I'll never rorgive, and will be zevere* 
Wife. Oh, poor Hob ! come along, child, and 1^11 g^et 
thee a little zugar-zops to comfort thy bowels. [_Exeun/^ 


Scene y A Chamber., 

Enter Sir Thomas and Servant. 
Sir Thomas* 

John, what's become of the fellow that fell into thi 
well lad night ^ has any body taken care of him ? 

Ser. No, Sir \ your worihip faid he fliould lie thei 
till your wbrftiip was pleafed to call for him— — 

Sir Tbo. Oons, £rrah, you have not drown'd the £el- 
low, have you ? 

Ser. Who, I drown him. Sir! nay, nay, hau'd yee, " 
am but a fervant, and 'twas you bad me ^ an any mifchit 
ihou'd come on% 'tis you muH anfwer it-— Fleih! whal 
have I to do with it ? 

Sir Tbo. You impudent rogue, wou'd you put 
villanies upon me ? Did not Xfee you collar him, did 



you lay violent bands upon him, firrahy and am not I a 
witnefs ag^nft you ? 

Sen Lard ! Lard ! at this rate, a man had as good be 
a galley-flave as a fervant-^If one don^t do tfs one^s bid, 
oae^s head^s broke ^ and if one does, one's to be hanged 
for't-— But come what will, the gallows will hold two^ 
that's the beft ou't. 

Sir TJbo. He fays true, faith-^WeU, well, keep yonr 
own counfel, iirrahy and I'll fee what I can do to fave 

Ser, Nay, nay, as for that, do you fee, do as you fee 
caufe-— let it go thick way, or let it go thack way, His 
all a cafe to me go which way it will j one good turn 
will require another^ 

Sir Tbo. Hold your peace, firrah<^-and begon e 
(Exit Servant.) This furly dog is not to be frighted, I 
fee *, I mufl (as is cuflomary with a man in power) pra- 
ted this fellow in his roguery for my own fake. 

^ A I R XIIL I have i^t the world as the world 

* found me. 

* Sir Tbotnaffingf^ 
^ A rogue that is hired 

* To do what's required, 

^ And ne'er ftick at honour or conference, 
*• To compafs his ends, 

< Will deflroy his beft friends, 

' For a villain's fure friendihip is nonfenfe» 

* Yet ftill he may laugh, 

< Well aflured he is fafe, 

' And defpife all attempts to accufe him 5 
' For his patron oft-times 

* Promoting his crimes, 

* Muft (for felf-prefervation) ezcufe him** 


Enter Servant with, a letter. 
Ser* Sir, here's a letter for you. 
Sir Tho. Who brought it ? 
Ser. Mr. Friendly's man, Sin 
Sir Tbo. Let's fee. [lUads^ 

" Sir, Your niece informs me, that (he has made you 
<( a propofal concerning, our marriage, which I am 

^ O a * 1! ^iiU>f*gr 

jg elora; <m, ^S If, 

« willing to ratify whenever you pleafc to do me 

' «« the bonour of a meeting. Yours. 

tr >, " that lAeetinr may be to meet with mf mece, 

^''^^L ?knrw-il muft have the paxticuto* under 

S hanS hire " feem to underftand him : Therefore 

^1^ . t Honrunderftand him, (hall be my anfwer^^ ;Ia 

*^ ,tn timT 111 put on a fmoother look to the girl, 
the mean time, ^ " P^ , country diverfion from the 

^"' U:th".\S n^"lnd ftheya^re in e.meft. that 
mount in the gaiuen , a ^^j)^ yn» up to my 

Scene, Tie IVood and Garden-wan. 
Enter Old Hob a«^ Wife. 

^/.. Come, V^« J-J: - Vt-^J^fe^re"^^^^^ 
tChLnow^ ^m be' vu'u of'volk before we ihall get 

""' o"^ff«A Di.nH trouble thyzelf, wife ; every thing 

.^•- i'nrt^Tready; and there's nothing wanting but 

.rhfxrgnrbe%Su'p'.- and, look'ye. that ihall be done 

^"^!'Srfi/.0 What zay you, vather ? 
Hob. Tap the ale : quick, quick. 

• ' J 2:1- Tl^rrilnlwhc'that wUl drink good ale let 
himcre'tlthefignof the pot Ud-Come, wife, le., 

f ?oS tSt ^o^xruirr^purpor. 

SifllSut pray, Sir, what do you propofe by turning 

^'K'^lirpUofe that Flora ihall know me by my 
vok7" and that'confequently her wits will foon be at 

"t/ WeU:"sirrbut of what ufe can I be ? for I cu 
"TrBu^'y- -t^iru, draw other gaping fooh 
^^S."There's fomc fcnfe in that indeed, Sir. ^ 


jffi IL gOB t» THE WELL. 3l*^ 

Enter Sir Thomas, Flora, and Betty. 

Sir Tbo, Com€, niece, if you muft fee the paftime, you 
may have as fair a profpe^t of it here as io the crowd* 

Flo, I like it very well here, Sir. 

Fri, Well, ho! this fame isiatitled, An excellent new 
Ballad in praife of the Country- Wake. 

Sir Tbo. Hark ! we fhall have a merry ballade 

F/o. Blefs my eyes !— is not that he, Betty ? 

Bet. The very he, Madam — but hulh. 

AIR XIV. A Ballad. Rare doings at Bath, 

Friendly j^flffj. 
Fll £ng you a ditty, and warrant it true. 

Give but attention unto me a while. 
Of tranfadions at court, and in country too, 
Toilfome pleafures, and plea£ng toil. 
f Accept it (I pray) as your helpmates you .take j- 
■^ To fome 'twill give joy, 

• And fome others annoy : 
> All's fair at a country-wake. All's fair, &c. 
I ^ At: courts w« fee patriots noble and juft,.. . 

" Fit for employments of honour and:pow'rr' - • 
I ** But then there are fycophants^ unfit for tro%, ^ v-^ ^ • 
i' " Blend with the great, andiri nuinber are iftoS^^j^'^^^nl-,^ 
Jt ** Slaves, who would honour and honeity flake, 
,;; " With fordid intention, 

1 ** To get place or peniion ! 

J.J " Strange news at a country-wake. Strange news, &Cf 
^l Some ladies at court are flylM unpolite, 
y Becaufe truly virtuous and prone to no ill \ 
.^j Whilfl others who fparklc in diamonds bright, 
;' Are ftript of their pride at bqffet or quadrille^ 
• 'Till their loffes at play do their lord's credit (hake \ 
';,.; Then, their toys to recover, " 

^'\- They'll grant the laft favour 5' 

Jf-fitrange news at a country-wake. Strange news, &c#. 
' Here moft of our gentlemen patriots are, 
j; ' Though very bad ftatefraen, 1 freely confefs^^ \ 

?^" They dcfign harm to none — but a fox or a hare, 

. . And are always found loyal in war and in poRce. 
S^ O ^ Th«- 

3iS whOKA^ ag, jta IL 

The farmer's ioduftry does earth fertile make ) 
The hufbandman's ploughing^ 
His plantkig and fowiog, 
Gets health and good cheer at a country-wake. Gets, Sec 
Our girls blooming fair, without wafhes or paints. 

From neighbouring IrHlages hither refort. 
They kifs fwect as rofes, yet virtuous as faints, 

(^Who can fay more for- the ladies at court ?) 
Na worldly cares vex *em, aSeep or awake j 
But their time they improve 
In peace and true love,. 
And ihnocent mirth, at the country wake. And, Scc«. 
The fcheines of a courtier axe -full of intrigue ^ 

Here^s all £air and open ; dark weeds we defpifc: 
Set rural contentment againft country fatigue, 

Who choofes the former is happy and wife. 
Now let's pray for the king, and, for Eagland^s fakci- 
From all fadion free,. 
May his fiibjeds agree 
As well at the court as. the country -wake. As well, Sec 
- Do youL think (he knew me ? 

Str. Knew you, Sk ! why, I bought one of your bal* 
lads for her, and (he tipt the wink upon me, with as 
much as to fay, Defire him not to go till he hears from 
me -p->Sappofe, Sir, you took a cup of nappy, here, ta 
pafs away .the time a little.. 

FrL Call for what you have a mind to* 

Ser. Here, houfe \ ■ ■■■ {Enter Hob*. 

Hctbt Ch'am coming, ch'am coming. Your zarvant 
Maifter Friendly, I'm glad to zee you, you're welcome 
to the vair. 

Fru I thank you, honed Hob. 

Hobk I (hau'd knaw that gentleman— Maiftec Ri- 
chard, I think ? 

Ser. Ay, Hob j how do'fl do ? 

Hob. O Laird, Maifter, haw d'ye do? Cbme,.pray, zifr 
down.-— Maiiler Friendly— -Come, pray (lay, and drink 
one pot avore you go. 

FrL Sit down, or this fellow's impertinence will make 
us obfcrv'd. What doft thou do with an apron on. Hob ? 

Hob^ Adod, I putn't on but juft now ; vather will do 
as neighbours do, and every one i' th' town almoft zells. 



jtSt IL BOB IN TBS WEX.L. 3 19 

ale on vair-daj^i— but now we zell feveral other fi>rts of 
liquors, and wine too, an occafion be. 

FrL Wine ! 

Hoh. Ay, all zorts of wine. 

Fri, Say*ft thou fo > Bring us fome claret then. 

Hob. Claret, Zir ! We have no claret j we mun not zelJ 
ckrety 'tis agaioft tV law.— —Now you may ha* fomc 
o' your port, your red port now, or your white port, or 
fuch zort of fluff. 

Fru Such llu£F as thou haft then, prithee bring us. 

Hob^ Yes, Zir — Ch'am coming— Now, in my mtnd^ 
Zir, what do you think of a little zack > a littk zacL 
nowy and zome o' your zugar in't is main good. 

Fru Prithee, bring what thou lik'ft beft thyfelf j for 
Vm fure 'twill pleafe no pallat but thy own. 

{Exit Hob; 

Ser. Sir, with humble fubmiflion, I don't yet difcover 
any great hopes from this fame projed of yours. Pray^ 
Sir, how do you propofe to come at the lady ? 

Fru While the garden door's (hut, and that old dra- 
gon is fo watchful of the frtiit, there are but little hope» 
indeed. However, I won't quit the place > fortune may 
yet do fomething unezpe£ledly to befriend me. 
Enter Hob, 'UMtb poU^ tobacco^ breads cbeefe^ and/ugar. 

Hob. Ch'am. coming, ch'am comings- Here, Zir— 

Fri. Where's the fack, Hob^ ? 

Hob. Zack, Zir ! Odd I dan't knaw, I thought you 
zaid you had rather have ale.^Ale is indeed much 
wholefomer for your English ftomachs.-i->Tor my part, 
I'd rather have ale now. Maifter Richard, bite a bit 
avore you drink \ come, and in the mean time I'll put 
a little zugar in the ale, and make it as good as I con 
for you. Come, Zir, againft you^ie difpos'd. 

Fri. Thank you, Hob ■ T his fellow's klndnefs wilL 
poifon me. ( jifide* 

Ser. Not at thii rate of tafting, Sir ^ for he has not 
left a drop at the bottom. 

Hob. A<iod, 'tis main good, Zir— —Will you have 
t'other pot, Zir ? 

Fri, No 'y prithee drink this too, and then fetch us a 

Mob»Yc$. Zir, I will. — Ch'am coming. [£^//Hob. 

O 4. Sir 


Sir Thf>, Come, my merry countrymen-, every man 
take his I'i^'i, and ^ive us ^9. dance or two, and then 
■we'll have the cudeels out. 

Counts Yes, an't like your worfhip, we are all ready. 
Come, Scratch, firike up. ^J^ance. 

Eater Hob. 

Hoh, Ay, marry Zir : well done Ralph ? zet to ub, 
Joan ! 2Ct to un 

Wife, (within.) Hob ! Hob ! 

Hob Ch'j^n coming, ch'am coming — Tol, lol— In, 
Mary— Sides all now— —Sides all ■ 
, Fri. Hob ! Hob I 

Hob, Ch'am coming, ch'am coming, Maiiler. Tol, 

0. H^h. (witbift,,) Hob ! Hpb ! : 

. Hob. Ch'am coming, ch'am coming — What a plague 
ails vathe/, trow ? An old fool! Ud(blead, he makes more 
a, noife— ^et 10 now, William— AH, rarely done ! In, 
Mary 5 ah, dainty Mar;^ ! Turn her about, John — now, 
now ! a murrain ! — You're quite out— Look, Ralph 
fhou'J ha' caft off ^ and while John had 'turn'd Mary 
about, Tomas fhou'd ha' led up Nan, and Joan met 
Ralph at bottom agen ^ mean- while, John il\ou'd have 
lidcd with Mary, and then Mary fhou'd back to back 
with Ralph; and then Tomas had come in again in his 
own place y and fo all had beea right— Come, begin 
again. Strike up, Scratch. Tol, loL 

0. Hob. (within.) Hob ! Hob ! Where be ye ? 
. Hob. Ch'am coming, ch'am coming ; What a devili, 
can't you be quiet a bit •:— Tol, loU 

Et2!0r Old Hob. 

0. HoK Heyday ! heyday ! This is rare fport. ydl^ 
fclead, I'll ftrap you, you bafe rawg y e Tv^uft you be 
dauncing here, and your mother and I at work ? 

^Strikes bm^ 

Hob. Heyday, vyhat's the matter now ? What, muft 
I be beat all days o' my life ? 

O. Hob-. You gracelefs rawg, mind your bufinefs 
then, do j yonder's your poor mother within, a fcawr- 
iug and fcawring, 'till Ihe Iweais again, and nobody to 
draw one drop of beer. 

Bob. I don'K caj-e a vaTthing— — ^I wo&H draw a drop 



more, if you go to that ^ do your worft, and take your 

O.Hob^ Sirrah, come in, and daii^ (land dauncing here, 
dan't yc. 

Hob» I won't go in, zo I won't j if that trouble ye, I 
will daunce, and daunce agen. Tol, lol, lo l 

A I R XV. 
O. Hob, Sure never was feen fuch a rebel, 
Thou worft of undutiful boys ; 
Thy tongue like the builders of Babel, 

Confufes the ear with its noife. 
Remember thy dreary figure, 

When out of the well thou waft brought y 
Thy n^other and I toil'd with vigour 

Tofavethee — And now thou'rt worth nought* 

* Ah ! thou 'rt an untoward boy as e'er was born. Mar- 
cy forgive me for begetting thee. \^Exit O. Hob* 

Hob, Marry come up, what's here to jdo, I trow ? 
Country-p, Here's the cudgels, an't like youj will your 
worfhip pleafe to have us begin ? 

• Sir The. Ay, ay, by all means j make hafte, Roger, . 
and bring forth the hat and favour. 

Rog, Here 'tis, an't pleafe you. 

Sir Tbo, Hang it up there j and he that wins It, let 
him wear it — The firft Somerfet(hire man that breaks a 
head, here's half-a-crown for him to drink > and he that- 
breaks that rogue Hob's head, (hall have another. 
Hob. Shall he? 

AIR XVI. Go vmd tbe vicar of Taunton DeaWm • 
. Go vind the vicar of our town, 

And he'll hauld ye an angel o' my head ; 
And I'll bet you another, and (take it down,, 

That I break both his and thy head ■ 
Few bouts will fet thefe matters right 5 

For my cudgel, an't prove a good one, 
Shau'd make no diftinftion 'twixt yeoman and knight, 
Sing heydon^ dooden, cudden, &c. 
Look ye, he that breaks my head fhall ha' zomcwhat to 
do, I'll tell you that — Let'n be who he wull, he fliall 
earn his money j ecod I'll rib^ j and look ye, to begin,. 
here I'll take up the cudge l and noW let the beft 
man here take up t'other a'n he dare . ■■ I£ he be a Zo- 

322 fLOKA 'y OR^ jt3 IT 

xnerzetihire man, let'n be a Zomerxetfliire man. I 

£ght for Glouceilerihire, I don't xare wbo knaws it. 

Sir Tbo, At hira, at him there ! What ! is there no- 
body dare venture upon him ? Neighbour PuzzlepatCy 
take up t'other cudgel. 

Pux.. Not I, an't pleafe you y I have enough of 'en al» 
ready, he broke my head but laft week. 

Sir T&o. Roger— Sirrah, do you take up t'other cudv 
gel, and thra& him, d'ye hear, thraih him foundly, 

Roger. I can't promife that,. Sir j I'll do my beft : 111^ 
break his head if I c&n, in love >. and if he breaks mine,. 
much good may do him. 

Fri. So, if Hob does but get the better of the collie- 
bat, the teily knight. will certainly be provok'd to comer 
down, and then we (hall have fport— Dick, help to en-- 
courage him. 

Ser. Well faid,' Hob ! O brave Hob I now for Gloa^ 
c^efterfhire. Hob l 

Hob. I warrant ye, Maifter \ let me alone. 
Fri, Here, Hob, there's an angel forthee^ and if thou, 
break'ft his head, I'll give thee another. 

Hob^ Don't ye vear, maifter 5 ecod I'll 'noint *en. 
Bog^ Do, if thou can'ft I don't fear thee, Hob. 
Hob. *Sblead, I'll drefs thy jacket, I'lldowfe thy Zo- 
merzetfhire coat for thee* 
Rog. Wiiryou? 

AIR XVII. In Taunton Dean. 
In Taunton Dean I was born and bred, 
And 'tis knawn I don't value a broken head y,. 
Nor fhould I fear Hob, were he ftout in his wratiky^ 
As Hercules or Goudling^of Bath. 
Fal, lal, &c. 
Come on. 

Ser. O brave Hob \ 

All. O brave Roger !;*r-?— 'Huzza V 

[Hob breaks bis beai^ takes down tbe bat and favour ^ 
puts it on, andjiruts about. 
Hob. Ecod I have donH, I have don't, efaith. 
AIR XVIII. Now comes on tbe giorious year,' 
J^ow, brave boys, the fight is doaCj, 


.A&H ttOB IN THK WSLL* ^^ 

And r tlie prize have fairly won ; 
For I knew I' couM beaten four to one; 
And that he^U fore remember^ 
Fal, lal, &c 
Sir Tbo, TooYj foul, foul. 
Jio6^ Fair, fair, fair. 
Sir Tbo. You Uc, you dog, 'twas foul.* 
^/L Huzza. 

Fri, Stand Upon your guard. Hob, the knight's com* 
iflg down. 

Ho^. Is he? Let'n come, and welcome $ here I'llftand;* 
1^11 take iioother than St. George's guard. If he let's- 
drive at me, vore^ gad, I'll hit'n o'er the fconce, an he- 
Were a knight of gold.- 

Sir Tboi Where are tbefe bumkins ? Now, who fays^ 
'tis fair ? I fay 'tis foul. • 
Ho^. I fay^ 'tis fair. 
. [Sir Thomas endtavoUring to come at Hob, it held 
hy the country. people^ 

AIR XIX. Come found up your trumpett. 
Pray Ict'n come, neighbours, for I ben't afeard : 
l^il think I'll be fcar'd, like a child at a rod ? 
1^1 keep my ground bravely, and St. George's guard. - 
'Pake care then, Zir Thomas, I'll 'noint ye, ecod. 
Withafal,lal &c. 
X^bey let him go^*^ Hob breaks his head; he draws 
bis fwordl Hob arid Countrymen • run away ; 
Sir Thomas purfuei. 
Tru to Flo, Now, now, deat creature, if ever you 
trould redeem ycmrfelf or me from eternal bondage, be^- 
kind, and £Iy into the arms of liberty. 
Flo^ What wou'd you have me to do ? 

AIR XX. Comes open- the door^/weet Betty; 
Fri, O By from this place, dear Flora, 
Thy jailor- has left thee free }. 
' And before the next blufb of Aurora,* 
You'll find a guardian in rae. 
Flo. Fain would I exchange for the better \ . 

Confinement can have no charms. 
J^*. Think which of youT prifons is fwceter \ '■ 
This, or a young lover's arzns. 

O 6 Madam; 

Madam, your uncle has left the garden do<^ open ^ 
there's no mortal now to oppofe y©«r flight*— r-Scout 
* Scout, you dog, and fee that the enemy don't rally 

^er. Ay, ay, Sir. [£*// Servant. 

F/o, Ah, but confider, if my uncle (hould fupriiie me! 

Bet. Confider, the door's open, Madam« 

Fri, Nothing but delay can ruin us. 

Flo, Odear, I'm in a thouiand frights ! 

Bet. This is downright provoking. Sir, fincc you fee 
there's no hc^es of my lady, if you can fettle the leaft 
tip of your heart upon her humble ferrant, I'll be over 
the wall in a twinkling. 

' F/o. Hold, hold > rather than you ihould break youK 
neck, I will venture— WeU, here I am ^I tremble every 
joint of me y now, whither will you carry me ? 

\_They come dawn,. 

Frie, To a do^r that ffaall cure thee of all fears for 
ever— -To the parfon, the pat£bn, my diear angeU 


'Flo. O liurd ! but if he ihould not be at home now I 

' Bet, What fhould we do for. fomething to be afraid 

'AIR* XXI. Bantings roaring Billy., 
' Thus maidens belie their deiires, 

* Yet languiih for what they refufe j 

• And tho' their breafts glow with love's fires^. 

* Seem cold to the joys they would choofe.. 

* The tongue and the heart are two fa^ions 

* We fcarce reconcile till made brides ^ 
^ Like Hatefmen our fpeeches and a£lions 

* Have commonly contrary fides. \Fxeunt% 

Enter Sir Thomas. 
Sir Tho. There, you ruflic rogues, you hard-headed 
dogs, I think I've at lafl met with your ikulls— I be- 
lieve I have notch'd fome of your noddles for you— - 
Heyday ! the garden^door open, and myneice gone!*— 
JMy mind mifgivcs me confumcdly ■ > Neice ! Betty ! 
Thieves I Robbery ! Murder 1 Loft ! Not to be fcund ! 





f E»ter FriendlyV Servant. 

Sen So, here he is, and I muft bam him tQl the bttC« 
i nefs is over. 

Sh- Tbo. Thieves ! Thieves ! 
\ ' Ser, Px^Lj, Sir, what's the matter ? 
I: Sir Tbo. Oons, Sir, let me go, or I'll run my fword 
1^ into your guts« 

Ser. Sir, 1 am afraid your brain's fomething out of or« 
der ', and therefore . 'twill be a friendly part in me to 
{ take care of you. 

Sir Tb^. Blood and thunder ! you dog, get out of voy 

way, Of I'll 

Ser, Nay, the n \^Frefenting a fi/io/. 

I < A I R XXII. S/anii, wbo ceaus tberei 

\ * Stand *y have a care* 

[ * Stand 'y have a care. * 

^ * One ilep to move, 

* * "Will fatal prove 5 

I * For I know who you are.^ 

Come, Sir, make your thruft 
Jiir Tbo. What the devil are you, Sir ? 
I Ser, A philofopher ^ and this fmall pop is my argu'-* 

1' ment. 

\ Sir Tbp. Oons, Sir, I believe you're a highwayman^ 

' and your pop there is your livelihood. 

Ser. Sir, you may be as fcurrilous as you pleafe, pro« 
vided you' don't pafs this way* 

Sir Tbo. 'Sdeath, Sir^ what bufineis liave you to hin- 
der mc ? 

. Ser, Sir, I have no bufinefs af preient but to hinder 

Sir Tbo. But pray. Sir, how comes it to be yout 

Ser, Becauie, Sir, 'tis my bufineis to do my mailer's* 

bufinefs ^ and I have fome modefl reafon to believe, that 

he and the* parfon are now doing your niece's bufinefs. 

Sir Tbo. The devil I Murder! Where are they, viU 

lain > 

Ser, Pray, Sir, compofe y ourfelf , for they are here. . 
• Enter Friendly, Flora, and Betty. 

jEr/. Yottc blcfiing, Sir* 


Ser* Does not tbat (hew a fweet temper in linn now*' 
to aik it of youy that are but his bare uncle ? 

Sir Tb0, I am ftruck all of a heap, and dumb; 

Ser. Come, Sir, don^t be* as obftinate as an old cove«- 
touft father at the end of a comedy y confider, the maia- 
axon's over; you had a» good be reconciled. 

&r 7ho, Oon9y Sir, I can^t be reconcile, 

[J2i«/ SFr Tho.. 

Ser, GO'thy ways, like a crofs-grathM old fool. 

Fri. Let him perfift in his obftinacy^.it can be no bar - 
to our happinefs. You- look melancholy, my love. 

F/o, * I think IVe reafon— Y^u promisM to carry me-- 

* to a do6lor that (hould cure me c^ my fears ; but, on 

* the contraryyl find that the malady increafes -^ and in- 
' nothing more than the dread of your inconftancy.^ I> 
have for ever loft my uncle-s favour, and have now no^ 
^iend but you Should you hereafter eftrange your^ 
heart from me, I am wretched indeed^-^* Reflet onwha^- 
^ I've £aid, excufe my fufpicions, andremember there is^ 
^no return of feafons in love. 

^^A I R XXIil; ^Twas onafunjhinefurmner'^s day.- 
^^'J^(7. Sweet i» the budding fpring of love-^ 
* Next, blooming hopes all fears remove )~ 
' And when pofleffedof beauty's <:harms,, 
'Fruition, like the fummer, warms. 
' But>pleafure8,oft repeated, cloy \ 
*'To autumn wanes the fleeting joy ;> 
^Declining till deiires are lo ft 
< Succeeded by eternal froft. Succeeded, &c.^ ' 
Fri. Banifii thofe Tears, and be affiired they are- 
groundlefs —Dick ■ 
Ser, Sir; • 

Fri, Run and call our countty-neighbonra back again^ 
to their di veriions, in which they were interrupted by 
Sir Thomas J tell them theyftiall be merry with me to-- 
day, to make them amends for being frighted. {ExU,- 
Dick.) Twas^a^ happy interruption,' for it gave- us an 
opportunity to be for ever fix'd in love.— Look merry, 
my dear. 

Fri. My concern Taniflies, now IVe difclosMmjr fear%- 
and cbeerfulnefs will foon refume iu throne. 


jtB^IZ HOV 19 T8E WKLL. 3^7 

Frf. You (hall nerer have caufe to mention tWe^Tars- 

Flo. It Is eafj to talk thus^ow j but the difikulty will- 
be to fpeak . thefe rentimeDtt with truth a year hence. 
However, as I have run all haztirds for you, honour will 
oblige you tO'Conceal your incotifUncy from me (h ouM 
you be gpiilty of it. 

A I R XXIV. Redboufe^ Duetto.. 
F/o, Let me not difcover 

In thee a faithlefs lover. 
2ir/.. 1*11 never prove a rover, 

But true as a turtle to thee, my dean. 
Flom Love prompts me to believe thee j 

Do not then deceive me. 
JfW. My condud. ne'er (hall grieve thee, 

Let this fuiRce ^ my heart's fincere*. 
>Let our lives be fpent 
-In merriment } 
•With the. fweet cement 
.Of foft content. 
-May OIK joys augment 
-May no dire event- 

-Difturb our mutual pleafure*- 

Enter Dick^ Hob, luvi/ Countryfolks^ 

Hob—l% Tax. Tomas gone ? 

Fri. Ay, Hob ^ come in : what art «afraid of ? ^ 

Hob, 'Sblead, I was woundily afraid of 's zward \ hadJ 
he kept to flick, I'd tfaraOi^ 'en to-mummy. 

Fru I'm forry, neighbours^ Sir Thomas's pafiionate • 
folly diilurb'd your fports one way ; I'll endeavour to 
make you all fatisfa^ion ;.this is my wedding-day, and^ 
confequently a-day of jubilee. 

Coun* We wi(h you joy^ Maifter Friendly and Mijf« 
trefs ■■ 

Hob. I wifliye joy too. But>whcn I was zopp'd i' th* 
well,. I little thought I ihould live to tell you zo. 

Fri. Hob, thou (halt laugh at thy danger, now . 'tis 
over.— — Come, * we'll have a fang and dance, and' hafte 
to my dwelling, and finiih the day with mirth and hearty 
ehca ; The night I'll dedicate to love and thee. 

[To Flora, 

92$ rtomt^ j^ IL 

• AIR XXV. Friendly. 

Succefi this day has gainM me poffeiHoa 
Of what I love much dearer than life-: 
The comiDg night {hall give me fruition 
' Of all I can wifti in a lovely wife. 
To enjoy the fweets the country affords, 
Who would not forego the fervile flattery of courts f 
To hunt, fi(h, and fowl, 
And tafle the full bowl 
There is nothing To healthful as rural fports. 

Now from envy free, —All friends loyally 
Supplicate with me, Our guardian divinity, 

To blefs the king and queen, and royal progeny. 
Send us peace, trade's increafe, health, and profperity. 
May Cupid's darts flrike fure-^But be the caufe the- 

cure 5 
In virtuous deeds delight — ^Happy all unite 

[In frieiidfhip and love* 
♦ [>f dance^ and exeunt^ 



- f^' 

THE , 




Co vent CartUtt* 


Jlfr.^tfr//^/, a country gentleman, father 7 _, „., . 

to Harriet, $ ^Z ^^"""^ 

X«««<u;<r//, an officer in the army, in l6v^7 «/ ^i « 

with jy^rrfW . S Mr. Clarke. 

*'2rnir'^''"*" ^'^''^'"' ^ ^""^^ ^'"^X Mr. Gibbs. 

JiAndalf Fartht^'s g&rdtneTf ' Mr." Shuter. 

^«^/», a lawyer, Mr. Perry. "^ 


Mrs, Partlet, wife to Fartlet, , Mrs. Ward. ^ 

^ifi Harriet^ Mifs Mowat, 

jB^//y, th eir fervant, Mrs, Green. ^ 
Scene, PartletV Garden at his Countrybomfr, 

L' '" 'M '■ . I' ' I ^^ ■ ' .'.' ii in 


j^/f* r Randal, vex^d^ afpade in his ban4» 

Randal. -- 

A PLAGUE, and a double plague, upon all pcrverfc mif« 
treffes, fay I ! May the black blight take her !-r-By tHc 
Lord Harry, a poor man had better live In hell than ix^ 
zervice \ there he is quit for one %ort of vexation, kere 
ch'ave a thoufand. 

Enter Partlet. 
' , Part. Hey, hey ! What, talking to thyfclf^ Randal > 
Why, what, art thou pofleffed, mail ? 



Rand. Truly cb^am, Meifter ) and with one of the moft 
mifehievous zort of fpirits too. 

Fa^t. Which is that, pr*ythee ? 

Rand, Nay^ a vemale one» By the welkin, a thou&nd 
moles do not make fo much wade in a garden as one wo* 

Pari. Why, who is it that has .been plag^ng thee ? 

Rand. Who ? flie who plagues every body, and her- 
felf too. Can any body bear to have a tulip taken vor s 
onion ? 

Part. So^ my wife has been with you, I find. Good 
Randal, you muft have patience with her. 

Rand. Patience ! Why, fhe ordered me yeAerday to 
graft a peach upon a cabbage-ftalk, and faid Hwas the 
Italian method. Shortly fhe^ll exped colly-vlowers vrom 
turnip, zeed, and parfley to produce drawberries. I mar- 
vel (he does not order nedariaes to be zown in hot-bedi^ 
that they may grow as big as melons. 

ParU 'Tis her way > but you muft bear with hes hu> 

Rand.. Oons, Zir, who can bear with (uch contradic« 
tions ? 

Part. CoBtradidion is natural to her, Randal ) (he 
contradicts me, and all of us. 

Rand. Marry, it may be natural to contradift yoQ» 
becaufe you are her hufband > but zure, Zir, it cannot 
be natural to contradid nature. 

Part. It was merely in contradidibn to her friends, 
that, about twenty years ago, I got poflefiion of her 
band^ and then, in con tradition to me, ihe the fame 
night denyM me that of her peifon. 

Rand. Blefs us 1 you did prevail though } 

Part. Ay, by contradi(5lion, or I muil elfe have gone- 
without her. I pretended, on a fudden, a meft violent an* 
tipathy, and made a fham vow never to touch her while 
I breath'd ^ ihe underftood this, and in ^ure fpite came 
to bed to me. 

Rand. Laud ! what a fpirit (he has ! A nd yet, 

Meiiler, if you were to exert the hufband a little—— 

Pj^rt.^ Why, Randal, I love my wife : her only (atis- 
&6tlon is to do every thing direftly contrary to mine, 



and I indulge her in her humour for peace lake \ other* 
wife ihe is both prudent and virtuous. 

Rand. In troth, Zir, you are zafe enough upon that 
score. She is too much a wafp vor the vUcs to follow 

Part. Well, well> no more of this. I came hithei^ 
.Randal, to confult thee ypon^ a ^ery weighty affair. I 
have of late approvM thy judgment in feveral particulars^ 
and intend to. make thee my confident. 

Rand, Why, Meifler, all my knowledge does not con* 
fill in planting cabbages. Che had all my catechifin^bj 
heart before che was zixteen. And but that my uncle 
the parfon, one Lent, took zurfeit and dy'd, he had pnK 
misM to make me a great fcholaixl. 

FarL Why, thou may^il be one yet. Thou wilt not 
be the firft philofopher that has come out of a garden. 

Rand. True, Meifter^ but what is your weighty affair 
with me ? 

Fart. Why, it is concerning my daughter. I think 
flie is now tnrnM of eighteen* 

Rand. Ay, and a fweet po£ey (he is vor the bed gen- 
tleman in the land to wear next his heait. 

Fart^ Th« girl is. paffable enough.^ She is my only 
child, and I have a mind to fee hec well married. 

Rand. It is an holy purpofe \ and che daxc zay Mifs 
Harriet will join in it. 

Fart. The poor thing is all obedience. The only dif* 
ficulty will be in graining my wife's confent. 

Rand. You are right there, valth, Meiiler: Vor if Ma)» 
dam take it in her head that you are for planting youi 
daughter in the bed of matrimony,, fhe. will b€ for ilock* 
ing her up, and letting her die in wginity. 

Fart. That^s my fear. You have heard, perhaps, that 
I have had a propofal from two parties. 7'He one is a 
gentleman of the army, every way worthy of her, I con- 
fefs, but whofe fortune is in expe6lancy v the other is 
our neighbour Steer the grazier, not quite fo young 
indeed, nor fo well britd as the other, but exceeding 

Rand. In troth,. Meider, my choice (hould go alotng 

with, the acres : my young miftrefs is not worth a vig 

uor a long matclu 


SJ3 TRB srairr o»contradictxon. j^B L 

• Fart. Wby» that is my choice too. The firft ctn fettle 
no land but wh^t lies ia the field of honotu'9 His an eRatt 
of a precnrious tenure. 

Rand, Ay, believe rac, a vield of clover is worth t 
hundf fd of it But who is that turning out of tkt 

vilbert walk ?' 

. Fart. Zooks, 'tis my wife ! ■ ■ I'll ftcp into yon 
^rbour \ and, d'you hear, Randal, make up your quarrel 
"with her on any terms 'y for I have great need of thee it 
this time. 

Rand. Ch'il do my bed endeavour. 

{Grates bisfpadty andjtn^u 
A gard'ner is a noble trade \ 
No arms fo ancient as the fpade : 
Tho' kings with titles make a ftir, 
Their grandfirc was a gardener. 
Enter Mrs. Partlet. 

Mrs, Fart, Ceafe this meriment, pray. Lefs ndfe 
And more work would- fpeak you a better fervant* Wa» 
not tliat my hufband you were talking to juft now ? 

Rand* Yes, Madam. Che was afkbg my meifter a &w 

Mrs, Fart, Quellions ! what bus'ncfs have you to aik 
.^ue (lions, or he to anfwer them ? I thought I had toli 
you it was from me only you were to take diredioos. 
But you are very, a very hypocrite. Sirrah ! What, 
you have been wheedling and colloguing with him, have 
you ? You have taken him for your protedor ! But yoa 
fhall find both your miftakes. Out of my doors yoa fiiall 
go, the moment your time's up. 

Ran, I bezeech you, Madam ■ 

Mrs, Fart, Yes, yes, you lay your wife heads togetbet 
to thwart and contradi61 me : Yoa are his advifer, his 
counfellor, forlc^th. He faid the other day that hit 
gardener ha4 good notions. A fine age, truly, when fnch 
fellows as you ftiall pretend to have notions ! 

Rand, Che only beg, Madam 

Mrs, Fart, Your begging will be in vain 5 for I am r^ 
fblvM you (hall go. Nay, I know not what hinders ve 
fioja turning you away' this very indant. | 


ASt L rHE spiwT oTT coNTRAWcnoH. 333 

Rand, Why, that's my rcqucft to you, Madam, if 
you wou'd but he«r a body. 

.Mr J". Part. And what is your rcqucft, I pray ? 
' Rand. That you wou^d be pleafed to difcharge me 
this inftant. My lady Evergreen wants a gardener, and 
.has fent this morning to hire me \ and Meifter has gi^* 
-en his confent to let me- go. 

Mrs. Fart. Your meifter has given his confent to let 
you go ? Fine doings, truly ! And fo I am to be left 
•without a gardener ! Was ever patience fo abusM ! But 
you (hall none of you have your wills. I fay you (halX 
not go this week : nay, perhaps you (hall not go at all, 
fince you are fo hafty. 

I** Rand. Madam, my Lady Evergreen will give me 
vorty (hillings a-year more. 

Mrs. Fart. Well, and are not my vorty (hillings a« 
jyear as good as my Lady i^vergreen's ? % 

! Rand. Yes, Madam : but then your temper, an't 
pleafe you- 

Mrs. Fart. Blefs me ! I am a terrible bugbear ! Every 
jbody harping upon my temper ; when, I vow to heaven, 
there is not fo mild or fo reafonable a perfon in the whole 

Rand. But what every body zays, Madam— 

Mrs. Fart. Every 'body is a liar, and none but fools 
believe every body. But no more 5 you (hall (lay at leaft 
till my daughter's marriage is over. 

Rand. And is Mifs Harriet to be married zoon ? 

Mrs. Fart. What's that to you ? May be, ay \ may 
be nO j juft as I (hall think proper. Pray, what is your 
judgment upon the matter ^ 

Rand. My judgment, yoii know. Madam, you never 
regarded. If che zet any thing in the zun, you always 
SQOve it into the zhade. 

Mrs. Farts Come, come, your opinion and my hu(^ 
band's, Ifuppofe, are the faine.- Which of the two par- 
ties has his voice > 

Rand. Madam, there wants a new handle to the 

Mrs. Fart, Anfwer me, I fay, to ray queftion. 

Rand. Ods my life, how forgetful I am I you order'd 



the upper gpround to be Town with parfhips 5 chMl go and 
prepare it this inftant. [^Exa. 

Mrs. Pari. This is a {ecret and a fubtle knare i Mj 
kufband has certaialj made his choicey and, if poflfiblcy 
I mull difcover which way he is indinM. Mj daughter 
too, I fuppofic, has fettled her fooliih affe£lioa« But I'll 
baulk 'e^Q both, or I^m not Mrs. Partlet. 

Enter Harriet and Betty. 
Oh, are you come daughter ?-»WaIk off, minx* We 
don^t want your company. [Exit Betty* 

Har. Pray, Madam, what is your pleafure with mc 
this morning ? 

Mrs, Part, When youhave done your prating, daugb- 
ter I'll tell you. 

Har, I wait your commands. Madam. 

Mrs. Part. Why, I mull tell you then, that I am 
much decei v^ d in you : I took you .to be of a meek, 
plain-meaning temper, like my own : but I find you to 
be a fly diflembling hufley ^ your father's ipirit exad- 


Har. Pray, Madam, let me know in what I have of- 

Mrs. Part. ^dLjy 'tis my fault j I am only too good 
and too indulgent, that's all : But I'll put it to you for 
the latt time. Be fincere with me, once in your life, 
and tell me, whether you have a mind to be married or 
not ? 

Har. I have already told you. Madam, that whDft 
my parents are living, I ought to have no will of my 

Mrs. Part. But you mull own you have one, not .Tith- 
ilanding. Lookye, my dear, all that I feek is your fa* 
tisfa^tion ^ therefore open your whole heart to me with- 
out referve Do you think that matrimony can make 
a young woman happy ? 

Har. There are fome women, Madam, who think it 
tlie happied of dates ^ as, indeed, there are others who 
find it the mod miferable. 

Mrs. Part. Oh ! then you utterly difclaim marriage ? 

Har. I don't fay fo neither. Madam. 

Mrs. Part. What do you fay then ? Pry'th'ec explsan 



yourfelf. You muft look upoo it as a good or a bad thiog; 
either to be coveted or avcnded. 

Har. Madam, I neither wi(h it nor fear \\\ 'tis a fab- 
je£t I have thought but y^rj (lightly en. The arguments 
for and againft feem to be prettj near equal \ fo that I 
am as yet wholly indifferent. 

Mrs. Part, *Tis that indiffierence diflrafts me, huffy* 
You have too much fenfe to continue in fo fooliih a 

Har» I preiume^ Madam, it is the ftate a daughter 
ought to continue in, that (he may fubmit the more 
cheerfully to a mother's determination. 

Mrs. Part» Suppofe I was to determine you a hut 

Har^ In fuch a cafe, the reafons for marriage would 
appear to me the flrongeil. 

Mrs, Part. Why fo, pray ? 

Har. Becaufe my duty to you would oblige me to 
iorget thofo which are againft it. 

Mrs. Part. What if I were to determine you to re- 
main fingle ? 

Har» Then, Madam, the reafons agalnfl marriage on- 
ly (hould be hearkened to. 

Mrs. Part* What (hifts and evafions are here ! Blefs 
me ! I ihall lofe all my patience ! Shall it be faid then 
that I am unable te penetrate your true inclination P 

Har. My inclination, Madam, is to be direded wholly 
by yours. 

Mrs. Part. Was there ever fuch obflinacy ! perpetu« 
ally contradi6ling me ! 

Har. Can a blind fubmifHon to your will be termed 
contradiction P 

Mrs. Part* Yes, yes, it is, it is ! For I wou'd have 
you have a will of your own, and you are pleafed not to 
have one. 

Har. But, Madam 

Mrs. Part. Oh, I can bear it no longer ! Hold your 
tongue, do.-— Here again it will be faid that I^m in the 
wrong, I warrant. But'^tis yours that may be truly 
caird a fpirit of coatradi6lion. I am not able to live un- 
der the fame roof with you. Such a flut as you is a per- 



I _ 


fe(^ peftilcnee in a family. I'll get rid of you, I'm re- 
folvM. Yes, Mifs, I'll marry you this very day. There 
are two offers made, and I'll accejit of one of them. 
l^on't think I intend t* give you your choice, no ^ you 
fiiall take him whom I approve of. I'll juft flep in and 
talk with your father. If his notions are reafonable, and 
V agree with mine, well, if not, I know my meafures. 


Har* Under what conflraint am I forcM to live ! the' 
naturally artlefs and iincere, yet ^m I dbliged to coun« 
tcrfeit with ^ ^he woild. My prefent fituation requires 
It ; for whoi^ C9ln I confide in ? Ha, Lovewell return'd! 
Alas, he is one with whom, I confefs I have much 9ido 
to dilTemble, 

Eniet' Lovewell, 
1 imaginM you were on your journey, Mr. LovcwelL 

Love. No, Madam, I afn come to tell you, in fhort, 
Jthar I am w.eary of being made a fool of, and that I am. 
lefolv'd not to fee London till you have finally explained 
your (elf to me. 

Har. Good, angry Sir, what is it difcompofes you ? 

Love. -Your behaviour, Madam, has driven me be- 
yond all patience. Have I not danc'd attendance after 
Tou near two years,^when neither my love, prayers, or 
yntreatics, have been able to draw from you one word up* 
on which I might depend, either for happinefs or mifery ? 
and when 1 fpoke to you of the trueft and moil violent 
pafilon that ever touched the heart of man, you hear me 
with a calmn efs and infenfibility which it is impoflible 
to comprehend. 

* Bar, And I would have it ftill impofflblc. 

* Love, Surely, Madam, you might difcover either 

* approbation or diilike 5 fomething from whence I might 

* know my fate, 

Har, You ought to know that I am prudent, and 

* nothing farther. The happinefs of my life depends 

* upon, my being, at this time, impenetrable to your cu* 

* riofity. 

* Lov, Make but that appear, and I fhall be fatis* 
' fied.' 

Har. 1 thought you already knew, th^t, in confer 
qucnce of a certain fchemc I have formed to fecure my 


i4Si /. IfHE SPIRIT Oi? CONTRADlCriO**. 33> 

• » • * 

future welfare 5 it is neceflary that my mother, and even 
/ my father, (houM be in the dark whether it is you whort^ 
1 love or another : it is requilite, therefore, "that you aU 
To be kept ignorant of my real affeftion, 

* Love, Wherefore muft I ? 
^ Har. Becaufe if you were once acquaiiYted with it, 

my father, mother, and every one who obferv'd you, 
would foon be in the fecret. 

' Love, Do you judgje me fo indilcreet, when all mjr 
happinefs is depending ^ 

• * Har, No j but the natural violence of your temper 
would perform the part of indifcretion. 

* Love, {compofedly.^ Believe me, Madam, I know 
how to moderate that violence : and* yet I proteft to 
you, that one word of explanation, one fingle word 
from thofe dear lips, (hall render me as calm and com- 
pofed as yourfelf. 

* Har, Suppofe that word was> That I refolv'd never 
to be yours. • 

' Lo-ve, {^pcjjionately^ Death and confufion ! what dd 
you mean, Madam ? By all that^s facred 

* Har, I perceive, indeed, you are moft wonderfully 
composed. Pray, would you be any inore fo were I to 
make a vow never to be anothet^s ? 

* Love. O tranfporting thought ! My deareft Harrjel, 
that would be kind indeed. The blell idea would ba- 
ni(h all defpair, and give new ftrength to my declining 
hopes \ my joy would be fo abundantly full 

* Har, Yes, fo full that it would run over to all you 
meet. Thus it is that your extravagant trahfports, 
either of joy or defpair, would undoubtedly divulge 
what it is my bufinefs to conceal : For the moment 
my mother cou'd be fure whereott/my happinefs wai 
plac'd, (he would moft certainly overturn it. Ad- 
mit, therefore, for the prefent, I keep you wholly ig- 
norant of my defigns. 

* LoFD€, No, ungrateful one, this is too much j for 
' know, that I am not ignorant of yoar defigns ;' 1 have 
iiad information, Madam, that you are this day to be 
inarried to Mr. Steer. 

Har. Perhaps it may be trtie> what then > 
Love, It was that brought me here fo fuddenly. 
Vol, IV. P mn 

33^ 'tBE spxarr of conthadiction. ji£l /• 

Har» And let fomething as fuddenlj take you back 

Love. I now fee through all your little artifices. You 
know I am fomewhat in your mother^s favour, and 
therefore held fair with me left my refeutment ihouM 
make uTe of her to hinder your marriage. 

* Har, Hinder it, Sir ! Indeed I efltem you too g^- 

* lant a man to hinder a fettlement fo much to my ad- 

* vantage. 

^ Love, {longutjhingly.') No, cruel one, you need not 

* fear it. If you can be happier with another, I will add 

* to your joys by bidding you eternally farewel.' 

Har, Lookye, Mr. Lovewell, you may traverfe my in- 
tentions a little; but if it be true that you have no place 
in my heart, you will never gain one by chagrining me. 
Do ther^ore as I advife \ be feen to-day by neither my 
father or mother \ I even order you not to appear heret 
If you have any regard for me, depart this inftant. 

Love* You know I muil obey you^ but if you deceive 
mp, Harriet 

Har. As I promife nothing, there is no danger of your 
being deceived. 

Love. Unkind Harriet ! Is it poflible ? 

Har, l^t^Yy no more. There's my father coming ! 
fie gone this inflant \ fly, I fay* [^Eocit Lovewell* 

Enier Partlct.- A 

Fart. Where arc you, daughter ? Come, and rejoice 
with me, my girl. I am not able to contain myfelf, I 
ihall even burft with joy. 

Har. May I know the occafion of it, Sir ? 

Part. The day is our own, I tell you, the day is out 
own \ Your mother and I are agreed, my girl! and evc^ 
'9y thing is to be exadly as I wouM have it. 

Har. Pardon roe, Sir^ if I doubt that. 

Fart. 'Tis true, I fay y ihe has been making the pro-« 
pofal to me herfclf, and I have feigned not to approve^ 
of it in order to confirm her in her refolution. 1 

Har. Nay, if fhe propofal comes from her, the eze*J 
cution will foon follow. i 

'Fart. Yes, child; the great riches of our neighbour 
Steer, have taken with your mother as well as with me* 


j1& L trk spnirr of comthadictiok. 33^ 

In effeft, a wealthy grazier is no fuch defpicable offef • 
Wkat if he does not bow quite io gcnteellv as fbme of 
our foplings who frequent your balls and tUemblies ^ he 
is wealthy, my girl, and I warrant will love thee* 

Har* Two very engaging qualities indeed, Sir. 

Part, His behaviour is perhaps a little more uopO« 
liflied than one would wilh it \ but then there is no de« 
celt in him. . 

Har. JEiis fincerity, Sir, will make amends far that 

Part. He is thought indeed, by fome, to want fenfe. 

Har. A very good circumftance that, Sir !— For if 
he is without fenfe himfelf, he won't difcover the want 
of it in me^ 

Part, Nay, mifbike me not, he is no fool neither. He 
only wants to be broke of a cuftom he has got of talk- 
ing too much in the phrafe of his profeifion. Zooks, 
here he comes. 

Enter Steer. 

Steer, Good-raorrow, good-morrow, neighbour j I 
crofsM the meadows this morning purely to take your 
judgment upon my new waiftcoat here. I had it made 
on purpofe to be marryM in. 

Part. Why, I think it a moft magnificent one. 

Steer. Ay, isn't it ? I think to wear it on my wed. 
ding day y and then lay it up, you muft know, in cafe 
it Oiould come into the king's head to prick me for 

Part, It is no bad contrivance. 

Steer. Ay, ay, though I fay it, let Bat. Steer alone for 
contrivance, ha, ha ! — I can't help laughing to think 
what flaring there will be in Smithfield to fee me be- u 
dizen'd thus. 

Part. You are well known there, 'tis like. 

Steer. Known !...why, I have us'd the old ram ' 
ay, let me fee— »'tis now upwards of twenty years finct 
I firil us'd the old ram-^Known ! why, man, Bartholo* 
Blew Steer is as well known in Smithfield as Bartholo- 
mew's hofpital. 

fart^ I believe, Sir, my ds^ughter thcire hfts efcapM 
your notice. 

Steer. No, no, I have c^ft ajheep's eye at her, and 
wUl be about her prefently^ : fhe's a. good like lafs; 'faith. 




^n right order, aod fit to ftart for the wedding plate* 
Come hither, my girl ; how long will it be before you 
and I have a tumble together ? 

Har, A tumble, Sir, 1 don^t underfland you. 

Part. Things ar^ not ripe enough yet, neighbour. 
f Steer. Ripe! Ay, marry, but they be ripe as a cherry. 

Part, Ay ^ but I mean matters are. not agreed upoa 
between us. 

Steer, No ? Well then let's agree them. And do you 
hear, wife that is to be, in the mean time do you fit 
yourfclf with a ring ■ Take the biggefl, the biggeft, 
you fool, you. 

Har. I prefume, Sir, there are fome previous cere- 
monies neceflary to be fettled firft ? 

Steer, Previous I What's previous ? 
" Part, Ay, ay, neighbour, we muft deliberate a little* 
« Steer, Muft we ? come then, let's deliberate. 

Har, Well then, and while you are deliberating, gen- 
tleman; I believe it will be beft for me to keep near 
my mother, left (he (hould come and interrupt you. 

Part, Do fo, girl ; and if you meet Randal in your 
Way, tell him I would ipeak with 'him. 

Har. 1 (hall. Sir. ^ lExt'u 

Steer » Well, but now, neighbour, not to l^fc time, 
let us fpeak to the affair in hand. What fortune do yoa 
propofe to give me, (hould I accept of your daughter? 

Part, Look'y€, Mr. Steer, whatever fum I. intend to 
give with her, I expedl to have it doubled, and fettled 
upon her children. 

Steer. And thefe are the conditions ? 

Part, The very conditions* •- 

Steer. Well then, to ftieW you I hate haggling, givc| 
me your hand } and i£ I crofs it, 'tis a bargain. 

Part. There. [Giving bis hanJ.^ 

Steer,ThtTCy 'tis a bargain. This is our method ir 
Smithfield I have bought a hundred head of cattle iaj 
as fhort a time,. 
- Part. Good. And here Comes Randal, mofi oppoi' 
tunely to be a witnefs of it. 

Enter Randal. 
Well, Randal, have you ^onlidiered of the affair I fpokl 
#0 you of ? . '^' • 


Rand. Yes, Zir. And I have a queftion or two to aik 
bevore I can give you my opiuion. 
Part, Aik 'em. 

Rand. Does this gentleman love your daughter > 
Steer, Hugely. 

Rand. And does (he like him ? 
Steer, Mightily, mightily. 
Rand, And are you, Meifter, willing.? 
Part, Yes. 

Rand, And is Miftrefs willing too? 
Part, Yes, both willing. 
Rand, And I am willing. 

Steer, Why, then, all difHculties are removed, and 
there's- no more tX) be faid. 

Rand, Haud ye, baud ye, I fay all difficulties are not 
semov'd, and there's a great deal more to be faid. 
Part. As how, pray ? 

Rand, Why, as zoon as Madam comes to underftand 
tliat you are all of one opinion, fhell change her's to 
•ne dlreftly contrary. 

Part, I mult needs own, that*s her humour exadily.^ 
Rand, For example— Have not you obferv'd that the 
ireather-cpck upon the zummer-houfe always Qiifts away 
from l\t wind \ zo that to zet it zouth-weft, it mull ab- 
folntely blow vrom the north-eail corner. 
Part. Right. 

Rand. Now I look upon Madam to be, in this refped^, 
a fort of z weather cock \ and there's no vixing of her 
to one fide, but by blovring hard upon her from the 
Dtlrer. That is to zay, that in Order to carry your point, 
and make zure of Meifter Steer vor a zon-in-law, you 
muil flill obilinateiy inziil upon giving your daughter to 
Mr. Lovewell. And that's my counfel. 

Part. And if we fucceed, Mr. Counfellor (hall have 
hb fee. 

Steer. Ay, ten guineas for Randal on the wedding- 

Rand. Stay, there's another thing to be obferved, or we 
(hall never bring her to her vull pitch of contradidioa* 
Part. What's that ? 

Rand. Why, you'll find that madam will be for fign- 
ing the contiacl ) 'tis bed to give no time for reflejflion. 

P 3 The 



The lawyer muft be in the zccret j the writings ready, 
only blanks left vor the name ; and while yon ^refs her 
band for Mr. Lovewell, fheUl zertainly in pure contra- 
diction, order the blanks to be villed up with Mr. Steer's 
^ name, and zign the deed in a paflion. 
' Part. Your advice is excellent, and ihall be fbllow*d 
«— Let us feparate, left my wife fhould find us together. 
«— I'll this inftant to the lawyer, and order him to pre- 
pare the writings, to put our defigns in execution, 
filefs me, what a ftrange date is a married one, when 
a man has no way of obtaining his deiires in it but by 
feigning to fhun them I 

Rand. True. For 

Hufbands, like watermen, muft look and row; 

For crabbed wives, like crabs, do backward go» 

•■*— ■iM.ii^«^— 1»— r I I I.I I II — — — ^— ^M^— — ^M— "Si^^^ 


Enter Randal* 

FX'SSR <^nd blood is not able to be?r this miflxefi of 
mine ! For let me toil and labour ever fo hard, Ae is 
fure to find^ fault. Here have I been digging, planting, 
and watering, till tfie fweet ran of my ^ce, in hopes to 
pleafe her, and all to no purpofe ^ for whilft I was wip- 
ing myfelf dry, in came Madam, in one of her uiual tan- 
trams, and cryM — So, Randal, I am fure to fee you 
iland idling, according to cuftom. Then, to prove to 
her how I had been (laving to pleafe her, (hewM her what 
I had been doing ^ to which ihe reply 'd, in her accuflom'd 
temper, this is what I would not have had done. And 
when I informed her it was of hef ownM)rdering, {he 
flew in a rage, and cryM, Let me find you without an 
excufe, and hang you. So that the devil himfelf can do 
nought to pleafe her. O' my confcience, when (he's in 
thofe perverfe humours, if a man were to tell her (he was 
a virtuous woman, (he would fpit in his face, and tell 
"him he lied— In this crifis came my maimer to my relief, 
und calling Madam to him/ faid he had bus'nefs with 
her 5 gave me the nod as to retire, in order, I fuppofc, 
to put our plan in execution, of fixing Mr. Steer for bis 
fon-in-law ; I took the hint, and left Madam poffefs'd 
vitU fo fiery a compofition, that if Mcider has but fuf- 



ficient courage thoroughly to light her up, which he 
will certainly do by propofing Mr. Loveweu for his fon* 
in-law> I don't doubt but in pure contradidion we (hall 

carry our point ^Hark ! they feem coming this way. 

1^11 ft and aiide and obferve ^em. {Reiiresm 

Enter Mrs. Partlet, Jollawd by Partkt. 
Mrs, Pari. No, hufband, this exceeds all bounds ! 
Perpetually thwarting and plaguing me ! But, fince it 
plesGfes you, pray go on. But furely 'tis the very height 
of obftinacy to maintain, that Mr. Steer is not a proper 
match for my daughter. 

Part, Nay, wife, I don't deny it : but as your daugh- 
ter's welfare and happinefs is depending, it' can be na 
great' crime in me to fay that I would preiFer Mi*. Love* 
well before him* 

Mrs. Part, Lookye, don^t let me hear a :woid more 
about him \ Mr. Lovewell bad not beft (hew his face ia 
my houfe. 

Part, Coniider, wi£e, both his merit and feunily* 
Mrs, Fart. What, wou'd you have my daughter fol* 
low the camp ? I tell you, huiband, I'm reiblved. 

Part, Let me befeech you, my dear, to indulge me 
fi> far as to condefcend to me but in this. 

Mrs, Part, Once more, I tell you I'm retolv'd \ and 
as a proof, to-morrow morning I'll give my daughter to 
Mr. Steer.. 

Part, But your reafon, wife, for this haAe } 
JMrs, Part, The reaibn, hufband, is plain : And, ta 
dexjoondrateto you that I have reafon, I ihall only tell 
you, that it is fo becaufe I will have it fo. Mr. Steer is,, 
I believe, now in the hodfe ^ and I'll this inftant go and 
acquaint him with my refolutions : And do you hear, 
hufband, Vd have you prepare to fign the articles with* 
in this half hour. [^Exit. 

Part. Well, Randal, what lay you- ? Did I play my 
part, with dexterity, or not ? 

Rand, Evaith, Zir, I believe this time you'll have 
your way ^ and perhaps 'tis the zecond in your whole 

Part, Yes, I think we Ihall fucceed now* Is the' 
lawyer come ? 

P4. RanJ^ 


Rand, PU fiep aod zee, and then come and join the 
cry for Mr, LovewelL She's in right temper now j and 
if you don't ftrike you defcrve to lofe the heat. 

Enter Harriet. 
Part, So, daughter, we have done miracles, my girl! 
Har. I overheard you y I was but in the arbour with 
Mr. Ruin the lawyer, who is juA uow come, and wait» 
to fpeak with you. 

* Part, Odfo ! he is come very opportunely ; I muft 
go and fettle matters with him before your mother fee»< 
him. {^Exis, 

Har, So, things are at lafl come to the crifis I ex- 
pelled, and it is high time to bfing^ my poor (Iratagemi 
into play \ and if that fails, good b'ye happinefs, fo& 
ever! Oh, "here comes Betty. 

Enter ietty. 
Well, Betty, have you got your leflbn perfeft ? 

Betty, YtSy Madam, and without much fiudying. I 
think you want me to lie' and difiemble a little. 
Har, And •are you a proficient in thofe arts ? 
•Betty, I we»e Unworthy to ferve a lady elfe. 
Har, Well, Betty, I ihall put myfelf entirely into 
your hands. 

Betty, And, depend upon it. 111 put you into thob 
of Mr. Lovewell's. 

Har, I hope you'll not deceive me. 
• Betty, If I do, Madam, may my lover deceive me on 
.my wedding-night I And that's a moil fearful wi(b, I 
can tell you, for a chambermaid's confcience. 

Har, Take heed what you promifc, for the proof is 
at hand. My mother is- coming clofe here behind us, to 
liflen*^ we mud feign not to fee her. I (hall but juft 
give the alarm, and leave you girl to fight the battle. 

Enter Mr*. Partlet, /iflening* . 
Yes, Betty, my mother will this* time be over reach'd 
by us all j and 1 (ball be the happicft young woman in 
England. Ha, ha ! I mufl go and laugh a little with 
my father about it. Step you in and plait my bell 
head 5 and d'ye hear j be fure don't blab. Ha, ha, ha ! 

B^tty. Ha^ ha ! Blab V I think not, truly. [T//rw 



Jhort on Mrs. Partlct.) Laud, Madam, you fo furprife a 

Mrs^ Fart, I am a ft range hobgoblin, fare ! If it 
were one of the fellows you had not been furprisM, I 
warrant-^— What were you tittering at, my daughter 
-and you ? 

Betty, Blefs me, Madam, we were not tittering. 

Mrs, Fart, What a lie to my face ? Yes, and I'll 
know the fubjefl of your mirth before you and I part« 
Who IS it that is to be ovcr-reach'd, pray ? What was 
'my daughter faying to you before I came ? 

Betty. Saying, Madam — ^Why, Mifs was faying, (he 
-was faying as bow — indeed. Madam, I can't tell what 
ihe was faying— not I— 

Mrs, Fart, Tell me the truth, and PU give you my 
green mantua, and forgive you the china jar you broke 
yefterday ^ but if you equivocate, I'll turn you out of 
the houfe this moment. 

Betty, I fhould be loth to leave fo good a lady's fer« 

Mrs, Fart, Speak then, and (lay in it. 

Betty, May I depend on't, Madam, that you won^t 
name your author ? - 

Mrs, Fart, I promife you I will not. 

hetty, I am fure they would poifon me if they knew 
I lletrayM. 'em. 

Mrs, Fart, Fear nothing, I tell you, 
.Betty, Are you certain {looking about ^ we cannot be 
overheard. Madam ? 

Mrs. Fart, 'Tis impoflible. Come, I'm upon thorns 
till you begin— What, there is a cbnfpiracy againii me. 
It fuppofe, 

Betty, A very dangerous one, Madam. You were to 
have been betray'd into a compliance whh Jny maftei's 
will and pleafure. 

Mbrs, Fart, O abominable ! 

Betty, Mifs Harriet tind he have joined witlt Randal, 
to perfuade you of their averfion to Mr. Steer, 6n pur- 
pofe to palm him upon you for a fon-in law by contra* 

Mrs* Fart » I Execrable, unheard of wickcdnefs ! Mr» 
iSteer, then^ is my hufband's real choice I 

J? S Betty. 


B£tty» Yes, Madam, my maflcr has given him his fo- 
lemn promife \ and Mifs Harriet fays 'tis impodible (he 
ihould be happy without him. 

Mrs, Part, They might well talk of ovcr-reaching» 
truly! Oh, this was a mod fortunate difcovery ! But I'll 
€t them for it.— Well, hufhandand daughter, I (hall (hew 
you a trick that (hall cure you of over reaching. And 
to I was to have been their dupe, their fool, their ioflni- 

Betty. Yes, Madam ^ my mader faid, that this time 
you (hould fubmit to his decifion. 

Mrs. ^ Tart* Submit ! did he fay fubmit ? Monftrous, 
audacious, infupportable infblence ! O deteftable ! ^ub- 
Biit ! the vosd chokes me, Betty ; I am not able to get 
it down : get me the hart(horn ! {Exit Betty.) I am be- 
fieg'd here in my own houfe \ befet rovnd, and every one 
J meet is aa cneiny ! Ha, here comes my hu&and, my 

fand advecfary of all. I'll compofe myfelf as well as 
can^o—Sabmit ! 

Enter Partlet and RandaL 

"Rdnd^ (jsfide to Partlet.) Cheer up, Meifter \ do yon 
dand to it that you'll have none of Mr. Steer for yoni 
ibn-in-law^ you, fliall find he^U be the only man impos'd 
^on you. 

Fart^ Wife, I h»ve been feeking you to talk to you 
farther about our laft difcou]^fef our daughter's maniage^ 
and as it is an. affair of the utmoil confequence tons all, 
wherein not only the happinefs of oHr child, but our own, 
is concera'dy I think we ought not to be too raih in oux 

jifrx. P2rr/. Good, wife huihand, I Ihould be glad tP 
know your fentiments upon the affair. 

.. Bart, My fentiments you have never, regarded : at oar 
I$ft interview you .-abfolutely reiblved on Mr. Steer fer 
oiir foo-in-law^ and I am to tell you in plain terms^ 
Madam, thatneithec I nor my daughter will. hav£ any 
^ng to fay to hirn^ 

Mrs. Part* Pray j^eak m3dly, my dear, I love peace 
and unity<i and- (hail seadily condefcend to you« not only 
in thi](, but in every thing elfe that is reaibnable. 

Part* liook'ye. Madam, you may jeft with your .con« 
defcenfions; ^ mash aa yoo pleafej bvt I am in earneil 



' when I tell you that Mr. Steer is one j ihall neTtr ap- 
prove of. 

Mrs. Psrf, Believe me^ xfLj dear, when I once more 
allure you that your choice (hall detexndne mine ^ anJ 
as a proof/ 1 tell you that Mr. Steer is already out of* 
my thoughts. 

RanJ, Refolutely perfiilr in it, meifter— the alarum it 
Bot quite wound up yet > it wiU ftrike prefently. 

Part. Come, fpeak plain, Madam, and think me 
worthy of a ferioos anfwer ^ know, I am not always to 
be made a fool 0&. 

Mrs. Fart. But why are you angry, my dear, fince I 
give my word to do juft as you defire ? And, to fliew yoa 
my fincerity as well as my fubmiffion, I'll go this in% 
Aant and; forbid Mr.* Steet from ever fettuig his feet 
within thefe doors again » [JEmi/.. 

Part, {after a paufi^ Randal t 

Rand. Im \ 

Part. What fay*ft thou to this, man ? 

Kand. Nay, let the moon zay, vor (he knows beft 
There's inchantment tn this, Meifter. 

Part. I am affaid it is too real. What the devil can= 
aaake her fo complying this morning ? 

Rand^ I'll not believe but the vaines have been here*. 

Part* I am (Lrangely unfortunate, that the oMy time 
rn her life that ihe doe^not contradift me at all, Ihouidi 
be to contradict me the moft*. 

Rand^ To comply zo with your, will, I con£cfs, 21ir^ 
is ftran^ely unhatursd* 

Part. So unnatural, that I am all amazemen t ■ 
but I'll follow her in, and> if poffible, find out the bot* 
torn of it. [Exiim^ 

Rand. Zo, thereV an end of my plotting and poHticsl 

I ihall tiever have my advice aiked again, that's 

certain* Not that I'll give it*up neither j for there's fo- 

little dependence on Madam's word^ that it goes and 

comes like the fun. ia April. 

Enier Sittr.. 

Steer. Well, old fophifter j what, matters go on fwim- 
miagly,'it f^^ems ! The articles are preparing within to> 

^\t fign'd. I muft look out the ten goincas There's^ 

comfort foe thee^ old boy.. \ ' 

P 6? ^tf V- 

\34' '™JE snitiT or Contra©ictk5n» 'jfSf U* 

Rand. Madam is looking out to give you your diT- 
^hargc— there's comfort for yeu, old boy. 

Steer, What ! (he is not fo mad, fiure, as to refufe me 
for her foti-in-law ? 

Rand. I'm afraid 'tis too true 5 ftrauge changes have 
happened within this half hour ! But Meifter is now with 
Jier . - 1*11 ft ep in and liften a while, and endeavour to 
bring you a more perfe6l account. 

Steer, I)o fo — ^What, not have this littlcgipfey at laft? 

——But if. I can't have her, why I muft look out elfc- 

where j hang it 1 I have a fort of kindnefs for the young 

huffy too.-~But he that has coin needs not want kine, 

as the fayijig is- ■ Oh here {he comes. 

Enter Harriet. 
So, poor girl ! What, things go ill on thy fide, I hear» 
Thou art in danger of lofing me, they fay. Troth, I pi^y 
thee with all my heart. 

Har, Something lias fallen oat a little unfeaibnably, 

Sieer. And thou art griev'd about it, my girl, ha? I 
•am very ^lad on't with all my heart, 'tis a proof that 
thou Ipv'A me. But. come, don't be call down, don't 
defpair \ live in hopes ^ perhaps thou may'ft have me 
yet. . ^ ^ 

Har. If it is your deiire, there is no time to be loft \ 
go this inftant to my mother \ prefs her, importune her, 
and peremptorily infift upon the performance of h^r pro- 
mife-^Hay Love well I what brings him here ? 

Enter Lovewell. 

Love. You'll excufe ^he abruptnefs of this vifit. Ma- 
dam, when I come to afiure you that 'tis the laft I fliaH 
ever make you. 

Har. If you had fpar'd yourfclf the trouble of this, I 
ihould eafily have forgiven it. 

/ Love. I know it, falfe t)ne, for I am at laft coavinc'd; 
that which I have heard to-day ; your difcourfe this 
morning 5 your afFe£lation to fend me away j the lawyer 
whom I have feen here \ in ftiort, all together confirm 
your treachery paft doubt— But I intend to keep my 
temper—— and tell you, you are unworthy every thing 
•but contempt and iiience. 

^ar. I would willingly be informedy Sir, on what pre- 



tence you dare infult me thus ? or what hopes have ^ 
«ver given you, that you (hou'd prefume to take this li« 
berty ? 

Love, Had you difcourag'd my addrefles, I (hou'd, 
though with pain, have defifted j but as you rcjefted them 
not, I fed my imagination with the vain hopes that my 
fuit was agreeable. Credulous fool ! thus to amufe my* 
felf, and fuffer my paiTion to be fo deluded, by the ait« 
ful wiles of a deceitful woman. 

Steer. Harkye, friend, doll thou call this wooing ? 
Love, Grant me patience, heav'ni 
Har* Lopkye, Sir, fince you provoke me to fpeak, 
couM my father heiitate a moment between the large 
«ilate of Mr. Steer and your {lender fortune ? And as for 
my part, I cannot but prefer the open eafy temper of 
this gentleman, to that ferious, pafTionate turn of mind 
you always appear in. His je(Vs and good-humour are 
infinitely more engaging than your wild frantic fallies. 

Steer, Ay, ay, I have always heard that women love 
mirtb and good company ^ and though the lot has fallen 
upon me, lookye, friend, don^t be call down ^ fuch a 
pretty fellow as you need never defpair. 

Love, Lookye, Madam, order your fool there to be 
mannerly, or it may chance to coil him a beating. 

Steer, A beating ! I fhould be glad to fee that, faith \ 
and if thou doil beat me, I'll forgive thee with all my 
heart \ and for thy .pains, if thou 'It call on me at Smith- 
field on a market-day, I'll give thee a beef-ileak and a 
bottle into the bargain. [Going up to him* 

Love, Oons ! you 

Har, {inter pojing,^ Lookye, Mr. Lovewell, either ke€^ 
your temper, or leave the place \ I have ever told you 
. that I hate paffionate people. 

Steer, 'Egad, and fo do I with all my heart \ I'll e'en 
flep in to your father. Pry 'thee, my dear, get rid of this 
^troublefome fellow as fail as you can, and then come to 
«s 5 there's a good girl I [Exit, 

Love, Your proceedings, Madam, appear to me fo 
extravagant, that I cou'd almoft fufpeft you of feigning. 
Not that I wou'd flatter myfelf with fuch a vain thought. 
however, if the prefence of Mr. Steer might any way 



con (I rain you, he is now gone, and you may fietirly cleat 

Enter Mrs. Partlet, prwately, 
Mrs. Part, Ha, my daughter alone with Lovewell ! 

Love, Eithcf juftify yourfelf, or confefs you have 
"wrongM n^e. Come, fpeak, Madam, as we are now aIonc» 

Hot, {obferving her mother,) Ha ! my mother I— 
Sir, there was no diflembling in the matter. I (hall fay 
the fame thing now we are alone, which I faid before 
Mr. Steer. My father is deiirous I ihou'd accept him - ; 
for m hufhand, and I declare it is the greateft fatisfadion j 
I can receive. ! 

Love, This^is beyond all patience to fupport : but I ^ 
have done ; V\\ to your mother, and let her know, though | 
I hacve hitherto concealM my pafiion from her^ how I | 
have been treated by her ungrateful daughter. [Going* 
. Har, Yes^ go to my jnother, 1 advife you j and, d'ye 
^hear^, tell her how much'iiiate and defpife you. * 

Love, I thank you, Madaiii \ and thus I bid an cter* 
sal adieu to the falfeil of her its^*. 

Mrs, Part, Hold, Mr. Lovewell ^ I have partly heard 
bow you have been treated, and think your wrongs in- 
vite compaiTion. I plainly perceive that my huiband 
and daughter are combinM to advife both you- and me. I 
fhall therefore make your ca& my own ^ for, though I 
iay it, there is no one conforms to otber people^s opi* 
nions n^ore than myfel£ « 

Love^ I am obliged to you, Madam y but, after the 
bafe ufage I have receivM from your daughter, nky only 
care ftiall -be now to forget her; 

Mrs, Part, I mud confefs that I had heretofore no in- 
tention of propoiing my daughter y but to demonftrate 
to you, who are a reafonable perfon, that reafon only is 
the guide of my anions, I frankly make you an offer of 
her 'y for, believe me, it will give me an ^finite deal of 
pleafure to revenge me *of my huiband and daughter;^ 
lor every body, you muft know, confpires to thwart 
and contradi^ me \ therefore let me intreat your accep- 
Itance— • — 

Lave, Indeed, Madam, you muft excufe mej ^ntt 
JQUx daughter denies pie hex h^art, I muft refufe hcrhand* 



Mrs. Part. What, do you contradidt me too ? Nay 
Sir, I will make it fo advantageous a match to you, that 
you (hall be obligM to take her whether you will or no- 

Har, I hope, Madam, you don^t mean to engage me 
againfl my will ? 

Mrs, Part, Your will, my dear ? What, have you 
forgot already that you ought to have no will of your 
own ? 

Har, Alas, Madam, when I faid it, there was but 
little fincerity in thofe words. Why wou'd you go to 
hinder my marriage with a man of Mr. Steer's fortune ? 

Mrs. Part, Huffy, Mr. Lovewell has more fortune 
than you defer ve. 

Har, Let me live and die a maid, rather than be 
JoinM to B man I have an averfion to. 

Mrs, Part. Hold your tongue ^ Pm refolvM it (hall 
be fo. 

Har, {kneels and weeps,") I conjure you, Madam, not 
to render my whole. life unhappy. 

Mrs, Part, Rife, I fay, for f am inflexible. 

Har, For. heav'n's fake, Madam, have pity on me# 

Mrs, Part, Yes, you deferve it, truly. Know that I . 
am acquainted with all your little (ubtilties. You wouM 
have betrayM me, exposed me to a compliance with your 
father's will and pleafure ! — But to punifh you, Mifs, I'll 
make you both fign the articles that you had prepared to- 
gether to deceive me ^ I'll go and order the blanks in- 
fiantly to be fill'd up with the name of Lovfcwell. 


Love, Stay, Mad ana —I wou'd not have you imagine 
I (hall ever fign them. No, I wou'd fooner periih thau^ 
marry your daughter. 

Har, I wou'd fooner periih than marry your daugh- 
ter !— — Blefs me, Mr. Lovewell, how emphatically youi 
pronoun c'd thefe words ! 

Love, I pronouiK'd them as I meant *em, Madam. 

Har, And as, from my foul, I wilh'd 'em ; and, ta 
deal finccrely with you, that you ihou'd fpeak them in a. 
manner to affe£k my mother, it was neceflary they fhou'd: 
come from your heart. You had never deceived her fot 
■well, if you had not been fir ft dcceiv'd yourfelf* 

Losj^M Explain your oieaning, jyray. 



Han Why thus, then. To gain my mother's con- 
fcnt to my wifhes, I have been oblig'd to lead my father 
alfo into an error. He, good man, has a^ed naturally 
in the affair ^ and when 1 found they were one and all * 
for Mr. Steer, I made ufe of Betty to acquaint my mo- 
ther of it. The girl has aded her part to a miracle. 
And this is the reafon, that, feeing every body agaiofl 
you, (he has thought fit to take your part, that (he 
may contradift every body ; and flie wou' d now con- 
flrain you to marry me in order to make you contradi^ 

Love, Deareft Harriet, \you have put mufic into my 

* heart that will make it dance for my whole life. Juft 

* now I was quite benighted in defpair ^ but you have, 

* in three woids,' fo dazzled me with happinefs, that I 
i/vant faculties to perceive it. 

Har, I would not have you perceive it till the articles 
are fignM. I (hall dread fome indifcreet traniport, that 
may perhaps fpoil all. No, Mr. Lovewell, I wou'd not 
have you yet convinced that you are dear to me. 

Love, (trau//>ortcd) Ench'anting founds ! O how (hall 
I be worthy of fuch goodneis ! My kindell, deareft, ado- 
rable miilrefs I 

H/jr. Hufli, I henr Heps this way. We muft by all 
means continue to difTemble, 

Enter Randal. 
No, Mr. Lovewell, don't imagine you fhall ever marry 
me again II my will. 

Rand, I believe not, vaith, vor it would be with all 
your heart and with all your zoul.^ I have long fufpeft- 
ed it, and am now conviuc'd that all your quarrels were 
feign'd, pretended, mere fham ones, defign'd purely to 
cheat my millrefs ^ but that fhe might not be fo imposed 
on, I have been jufl letting her into the fccret. 

Har. Oh, Mr. Lovewell, we are ruined then for ever ! 

Love, Wretch, what hafl thou done ? 

Rand. I can't help it now, vor Madam is coming to 
undo all her doings again \ and the reafon why I infbrm'd 
her, was becaufe Mr. Steer had promis'd me ten guineas 
on his wedding-day. 

Love. Ralcal, why did you not aik mc fifty > 
.Rand, Nay, nay, it won't zignify now, fince Madam 



knows all — Neverthelefs, if I were tazee that fame vifty 
you metition 

Har. What then ? 

Rand. Why th^Qy perhaps things may not go fo bad 
us you.imagiae* 

Love. Here, take my purfe.-— And now, good Ran* 

Rand. And now, Tax^ to fpeak truth, and (hame the 

devil, Madam knows nought about it But that your 

aaay not think your money ill bedowM I will fay fome- 
thing for you to Madam that (hall deferve it \, and, luc«* 
kily, yonder ihe's coming. 

Enter Mrs* Parti et, Beltj following, 
I'm glad you aie come to make peace. Madam ^ I vountl 
the young volk here juft going to vighting. They did fo 
"wrangle and jangle together, that, vor my part, I thought 
^hey had been married already. 

Mrs. Fart. What, daughter, do you continue obilinate? 
I«ookye, huily, you had bed conform to your duty, or I 
Ihall fend you to your aunt in Cumberland to watch gecfe 
upon a common. 

Enter Mr. Steer*. 
I thought. Sir, I had given you your difchi^rge^ and 
forbad you ever coming within thcfe doors j after which^ 
let me tell you, 1 look upon it to be a piece of info- 
lence to appear here again ^ therefore, Sir, pray walk 
out. . 

Steer. Wounds, woman , I only came to give my fweet- 
lieart a bufs at parting > I hope there^s no great harm ia 

Enter Lawyer. 

Mrs. Part. So, Mr. Ruin, I am glad you are come \ is 
«very thing done exadly as I directed ? - ^ 

Ruin. Yes, Madam, all is ready for executing. 

Mrs. Fart. Tell John to bring a table, and bid my 

liufband attend' this moment. [To Betty. 

. Bet. Yes, Madam.-^My reader i& here, [Exit. 

Enter Partlet. 
^ table brought on^ Betty returns. 

Fart. Wife, give me leave, for the laft time, to re* 
monilrate to you— — 


354 T^ spnisT OP contkadiction. AS If. 

Mrs. Part. Huflnnd, ihew no airs hefr c Remon* 
ilrate ! Pray, Sir, who made ^ou a remonftrator ? 

Ruin* Madam, maj I ber fo bold as ta fpeak one word, 
while I may do it in time ? the young lady^s concern af « 
feds me. I have always obfervM that thefe forc'd mar- 

Mrs. Part. What, Mr. Rtiin, are you too againft poor 

Mr. Lovewell and me ? There wanted only you to make 

the oppoiitioo complete. Come, give me the pen. (JSbe 

Jigns.^ Here Harriet^ do you fign under me. DonH be 


Har. I muil iign, fince you command me. {Stgns^ 
There, Mada m b ut my comfoit is^ you cau^ make 
my fiither fign. 

Mrs. Part. That, child, we ihall try. Come, huAand, 
you who can adv^e and rempnftrate, write your name 
here^-quickly^ you had beif. 

Part. PIl fign for quietnefs* &ke, fince It can fignify 
nothing (Jtgns) \ for I^ am fure you can't force Mn 

Mrs. Partn Sir^ to oblige yon alfo to join your hand, 
I have ordered a claufe here, to confirm to you, over 
and above the fum propofed, a gift iA a thonfa&d poond 
at the birth of the firft child. 

Ltyoe. *Tis not thofe .gifts that I covet \ but fince it 
will oblige you. Madam, I'll fign. (^itj)-— Here, Mr. 
Ruin, take the articles, and depart quickly, left my mo- 
ther-in-law ihould recant. 

Ruin. The deed is irrevocable. \E3ai. 

Lov. Now, my deareft, you are my ^own \ and thus 
I take pofleilion. 

Har. O dear Mr. Lovewell, kifs me as much as you 
pieafe, but pray, don't eat me. 

Mrs. Part, {ama^'*d,) I am all amazement ! What 
means all this tranfport ^ Does (he then really love him 
at laft ? 

Rand. I told you Mi(s Harriet lik'd zomething polite \ 
but you'll ne'er believe one. 

Betty, 1 he green Mantua, Madam, I beg leave to 
remind you of. 

Part, This fudden unexpe^cd change,. I muft con- 
ficfs, Airprifes me. My chief aim was to fee my daugh- 


ter well provided for j and fince I find mj child is pleased, 
I'll e'en be pleasM too. 

Mrs. Pari. Pleased ! O heavens, have I been fuch a 
tame, harmlefs turtle, as to pleafe a hufband at laft ! I 
am bet ray 'd, robb'd, cheated, and abus'd. — But ■ ■ 

Love, ^kneeling with Har.) Madam, thus low, we im- 
plore your pardon for this innocent deceit^ and let love 
excufe what faults have been committed. 

Mrs. Part, (turning' away.) I will never forgive you % 
never, never, never. 

Part, Why, you figned voluntarily, wife \ you was 
not compelled, as we were. 

Mrs. Part. No matter, I'll this inflant to London for 
advice.— ——I'll be divorc'd from my huiband ; I'll ne- 
ver fee the £ace of my daughter more j my fcrvants (hall 
be fent to Bridewell^ and the lawyer (hall be put in the 
pillory. You have made me mad amongft you, and you 
iball feel the effe^s on't. 

Steer. Ay, fl^ody, but curft cows have (hort horns. 

Mrs. Part. Out, bullock. [Gives bim a box o' /£' ear. 


Love, I atti concem'd to fee my mother fo violent* 

Steer. By George, I am concem'd to feel her fo. 

Har. Be it my care to appeafe her : be it yours^ Mr. 
Lovewell, to reward this girl, to whofe fervices we^ in 
great part, owe our prefent happinefs. 

Love. As Betty has made me happy in> wife, the 
way to be even with her is to make her a fortune for 
fome honeft man that may be worthy of her. 

Steer. That care ihall be min^, if Betty pleafes. I 
came hither for a wife, and it fhall neve^ be faid that 
Bat. Stee): went to market and could not deal. What 
fay you to the bargain, girl ? Wilt thou ilrike me or 
not ? 

Bet. The honour, Sir, is too gieat to be refus'd. 
/ Steer, Why then, touch here, wench 3 and when the 
parfon has conjur'd over us a little, thou fhalt jfind that 
I know how to tumble a bed, as well as thou to make- 
one. Give me but fair play, and if thou doft not own 
thou" haft met with a m«n to thy mind, I'll give thee 
leave to plant me a pair of horns that (hall reach from 
Hick's Hall to Pyc-Corncr. 



ParK I dare warrant Betty proves a good wife ^ and 
fince you have thought . fit to match into the family, 
neighbour Steer, I infift that the two weddings be kept 
together. Here is Randal ean icrape a little ^ and egad 
we'll have a jubilee. 

Steer, Odsflelh, neighbour Partlet, you4irca hearty 
cocky and I accept your offer. And that your-con^ 
cert may be complete, I'll funimon down the whole 
band of Wbite-Chappel cleavers. A nod of mine will 
fetch 'm. 

Love, When contradidion fain would bear the fway^ 
*Tis juft and right to baffle all its play 5 
That focial peace in every houfe may reiga^ 

* V And love and merit due reward obtain. 


5pokcn by Mrs. WARD; 
Who plays the charadcr of Mrs. PartJct^ 

SE ^ultntfi alij bow cruelty Vm uid .* 
i^oto patience tn poor nvomen is abut*fif 
X^oi hujband^ daughter ^ friendj or f errant true i 
J^dy^lajl bope^ gentlemen^ remain* in you ; 
Surely you vDili not contradiSl me too. 

Ladies f I kn^^v you II take the injur d part ; 
Dijlrefs Kvill alruays reach the tender heart, 
^ay^fome tuiUfurely make the caufe their own / 
^Xhere'are^ I trujl^ more Partlets here than one\ 

In ttvojhort ivords all %ui/*hood*s umder^od ; 
Jn thofe that do controul < -and tbofe that tvou*d* 

Wellfari tbefrji ; and let the bumble fool 

Defpife her vozoSf and come to me tojcbool, 

*Tbe -wives are tuitb me ; and %uhat maid I tvonder^ 
But hopes, one of-tbefe days, to keep mbujband under t 

Tou bujbands that are tittering yonder^ mum i , 
You think me copydfrom your piece at homt% « 

£.ach goodman jinds the charaSier fo pat^ 
there's no perfuading but his Juno fat. 

Some faucy city or ypojfibly, fume peer f 1 

Mayy -hy-and-by^ atfupper jay My de^r^ 

Have -we, of lute, hud any poet beret ^ ',^ 



^oi/o ihofe gallery Jriettds I yonJerJpy 
Sitting demurely with tbeir Partlets hy ; 
They at the comic Jeene ivoud burji ivitb laughter , 
Did tbey.Mei fear^ poor /•uh% that tragedy d come aJUt* 
^eace^ peace ^ yourjilence vte accept as praifii 
A fieeping hornet vtho tvoud ici/h to raifet 
Pity ybur ears Jkou d Juffer for your %eal\ 
Smile you tvho dare not clap ■ */w/'// do as xvell, 
firrant all one hoon, andjpare the hard*s ajjli&ion^ 
iLtt mi alone poje/t tht Sp*rit of ContraS&iiu 



T H B 

i^i— — *" 






Sir Thmneu Lofij, 7 

Sir Peter Pepperpvt, S 

Diek 'jever^ 

Prani Tounger^ 

Sir Roger JDovfUUf 

Mr* Rufiy 

jt^lr, DaSyU '~ 

Mr. 'Puff ^ 

Mr. Staytape, 



TvfO Blacit* 


Mi/s Juliet, 


Mr. Foote. 

Mr. Death. 
Mr. Davis. 
Mr. Palmer. 
Mr. Weftoru 
Mr. Granger. 
Mr. Hayes. 
Mr. Brown. 
Mr. Parfoni. 
Mr. Ixwet. 

Mrs. Granger. 

„T., H' 

A C T I. 

Scene, The Street. 
Enter Bever dnJ Younge*. 


No, Dick, you mufl paYdon inc. 

Bev. Nay, but to fatisfy your cunofity. 
Toun. 1 tell you, I have toot a jot. 
Bev. Why then to gratify xne. 
Tottn, At rather too great an •xpcnce. 


AS /J THE PATRON. 3 ;j| 

^. To a fellow of your obfervation and turn^ I 
ihoul4 think, now, fuch a fcene a moft delicate treat. 

Toun. Delicate ! Palling;, joaufeous to a dreadful de- 
gree. To a lover^ indeed, the chams of the niece may 
palliate the uncle's fulfome formality. 

Bev» The uncle ! 'ay ) but then you know he is only 
one of the group. 

Toun. That's true > but the figures are all fini(h'd a« 
like. A manierey a tirefome famenefs, throughout. 

BefK There you will excufe m^ ^ I am fure there is no 
want of variety. 

Toun. No ! then let us have a detail. Come, Dick^ 
give us a bill of the play. . 

Bev. Firft, you know, there's Juliet's uncle. 
JToun,, What, Sir Thomas Lofty ! the modern Midas« 
or rather (as fifty dedications will tell you), the PoUio^ 
the Atticus, the patron of genius, the proteftor of arts, 
the paragon of poets, decider of merit, chief juftice of 
ta(le,'and fworn appraifer to Apollo and the tuneful 
^ine. Ha, ha ! Oh, the tedious, infipid, infufferable 
coxcomb I 

Bev, Nay, now, Frank, you are too extravagant. He 
is univcrfally allow'd to have tafte j (harp-judging Adriel 
the mufe's friend, himfelf a mufe. 

Toun. Tafte ! by whom? underling bards that he feeds, 
and broken bookfellers that he bribes. Look ye, Dick \ 
what raptures you pleafe when Mifs Lofty is your theme, 
hut expedl no quarter for the reft of the family. I tell 
thee once for all, Lofty is a rank impoftor, the Bufo of 
an illiberal mercenary tribe : he has neither genius %o 
create, judgment to diftinguKh, nor generofity to re« 
^ard \ his wealth has gained him flattery from the in- 
digent, and th^ haughty infolence of his pretence, admi- 
ration from the ignorant. Voila U portrait de votreoncle ! 
Now on to the»next. ^ 

Bev, The ingenious and erudite Mr. Ruft. 

Youn, What, old Martin the medal-monger ? 

Bev. The fame, and my rival in Juliet. 

Toun. Rival ! what, Ruft ? why, flie't too modern for 
him by a couple of centuries. Martin ! why, he likes no 
heads but upon coins. Marry'd ! the mummy ! Why 'ti» 
not ab<9Ve a fortnight agO; th^t I faw him making lov« to 


gfit? tHE PATRON. jiB fl 

the figure without a nofe, in Somerfet gardens : I caught 
him ftroaking the marble plaits of her gown, and alked 
liim if he was not afhamed to take fuch liberties with 
ladies in public I 

Bev. What an inconftant old (coundrel it is ! 

IToun, Oh, a Dorimont. But how came this about ^ 
vrhat could occafion the change ?.was it in the power df 
lleih and blood to feduce this adorer of virtu from hi& 
marble and porphyry ? 

Bev, Juliet has done it ; and, what will furprife you^ 
his talle was a bawd to the buiinefs. 
' 2ouft» Prithee explain. 

Bev. Juliet met him lafl week at het uncle^s : he wa^ 
a little pleafed with the Greek of her profile j but, on a 
trlofer inquiry, he found tKe turn-up of her nofe to ex- 
actly refemble the bull of the Princefs Popaea. 

Thun. The chafte moiety of the amiable Nero ? 

Bev* The fame. 

Thun, Oh, the deuce ] then your buiinefs was done ia 
an inilant.^ 

Bev. Immediately, In favour of the tip, he offered 
tbaH blanche for the reft of the figare ^ which (as you 
may fuppofe) was inftantly caught at. 

Youn. Doubt lefs. But who have we here ? 

Bev. This is one of Lofty*s companions, a Weft-Indian 
of an overgrown fortune. He faves me the trouble of a 
portrait. This is Sir Peter Pepperpot. 

Enter Sir Peter Pepperpot and Two Blacks. 

&r P^/. Carelefs fcoundrels I harkee, tafcals! I'll ba- 
tiifh you 'home, you dogs ! you (hall back and broil in the 
fun. Mr. Bever, your humble 5 Sir, I am your entirely 

Bev, You fecm movM j what has been the matter, -Sir 
Peter ? 

Sir Pet. Matter ! why, I am invited to dinner on a 
barbicu, and the villains have forgot my bottle of chian. 

2oun. Unpardonable". 

Sir Pet. Ay, this country has fpoil'd them^ ^his fame 
Chriftenrng will ruin the colonies. — Well, dear Bever, 
rare news, boy ; our fleet is arriv'd from th^ Weft. 

Bev. It is ? 

Sir P^t: Ay, lad, and a glorious cargo of tttrtle^ R 


was lucky I went to Brightclmftone \ I nicked the'tiine 
to a hair ; thin as a lath, and a ftcunaGh as fharp as a 
ihark^s : never was in finer condition for feeding. 
Beu. Have yon u large importation, Sir Peter ? . 
Sir Pet, Nine } bat fevcn in excelletft order : the 
Oaptain aflixres me they greatly gained ground on the 

Bev. How do you dirftoTe of them ? 
Sir PeU Four to Comhill, three to Almack's, andthe 
^wo iickly ones I (hall fend to my borough in York<hire. 
2o»«. Ay ! what, have the Provincials a reli(h for 
turtle ? 

Sir Pet. Sir, it is amazing how this -country improves 
ia turtle and turnpikes*, to which (give me leave to fay^f 
^we, from our part of ^he world, have not a little contri* 
^buted. Why, formerly, .Sir, a brace of bucks on the 
Msiyor's annual day was thought a pretty moderate 
hleding. But we. Sir, have poliihM their palates : 
Why, Sir, not the raeaneft member of my corporation 
hut can diftingutfh the pafli from the pee. 
Youn, Indeed! 

Sir Pet. Ay, and fever the green from the (hell with 
the (kill of the ablefl anatomift^ 
Toun, And are they fond of it,? 
Sir Pet. Oh, that the confumption will tell you. The 
flated allowance is fix pounds to an alderman, and "^"vq 
•to each of their wives. 

Bev. A plentiful ^rovifion. 

Sir Pet. But there was never known any wade. The 
mayor, recorder, and refior, are permitted to eat a9 
much as they pleafe. 

IToun. The entertainment is pretty expen five. 
Sir Pet. Land-carriage, and all. But I contrivM to 
fmuggle the lad that I fent them. 

Bev. Smuggle i I donH under (land you. * 

Sir Pet. Why, Sir, the rafcally icoachman had always 
charged me ^vc pounds for the carriage. Damn'd dear I 
Now my cook going at the fame time into the country, 
I made him clap a capouchin upon the turtle, and for 
thirty (hillings put him an in!lde pafienger in the Don- 
cafter fly. 
: Toun. A happy expedient. 

Vol. IV. Q^ Bcv. 

^6% ctis patrolk. ^^ /• 

Bev, Obr, Sir Peter lias infinite humour. % 

Sir Pcf* Yes ) but the frolic had like to have proved 

Tottn* How fo ? 

Sir Pet. The maid at the Rummer, at Hatfield, popped 
her head into the coach, to know if the company- would 
have any breakfafl : ecod, the turtle, Sir, laid hold of 
her nofe, and flappM her face with his fiaS| till the poor 
devil fell into a fit. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Thun, Oh, an abfolute Rabelais. 

Btv* What, I reckon, Sir Peter, you are going to the 
^uire ? 

Sir Pet* Yes ^ I extremely admire Sir Thomas : you 
know this is his day of aflembly ^ I fuppofe you will be 
there ? I can tell you, you are a wonderful favourite. 

Bev. Am I ? 

Sir P^jt, He fays your natural genius is fine y and, 
when poHQi^d by his cultivation, will furprife and aflo« 
ni(h the world. 

Bev. I hope, Sir, I fhall have your voice with the 

S,ir Pet, Mine ! O fie, Mr. Bever. 

Bev* Come, come, you are no inconfiderable patron. 

Sir Pet. He, he, he ! CanH fay but I love to encou- 
lUige the arts. 

Bev. And have contributed largely yourfelf. 

Xoun. What, is Sir Peter an author ? 

Sir Pet. O fie I what, me ? a mere dabbler j have 
l)lptted my fingers, !tis trjLie. Some fonnets, that have 
90t been .thought wanting in fait. 

Bev'. And your epigrams. 
^ Sir Pet. Not entirely without point. 

Bev. But tome, Sir Peter, the love of the arts is not 
ihe fole caufe cf your vlfiis to the houfe you are going 

. Sir Pet. I don't underfland you. 

Bev. Mifs Juliet tht; niece* 

Sir P/!t. O fie I what chance have I there ? Indeed if 
Lady Pcppcrport (hould happen to pop oflF— — 

Bev. 1 don't know that. You are. Sir Peter, ft dan- 
gerous man ; and were I a father or uncle, I (hould not 
.be a little Ay of your vifits. 


Ait t. fiSiB PATROW. H|6j 

Sir Pet. P(ha ! dear Bever, you banter. 

Bev. And (unlefs I am extremely out in my gucfs), 
tliat lady— — 

Sir Pei. Hey ! what, what, dear Bever i 

Bro. But if you Should betray m e ^^ 

Sir Pet. May I never cat a bit of green fat,^!! I do. 

Bev. Hints have been dropped. 

Sir Pet. The devil ! Come a little this way. 

Bev, Well-made : not robuft and gigantic, tis true ^ 
but extremely geiiteel. 

Sir PeU Indeed ! 

Bev. Features, not entirely regular) but ma];Ju°g> 
with an air now, fuperier \ greatly above the-— you un- 
derhand me ? 

Sir Pet, Pcrfeflfy, Somcthiflg noble j cxpreflive •£ 
— fa(hion, 

Bev. Right. 

Sir Pet, Yes, I have been frequently told fo.' 

Bev. Not an abfolute wit \ but fomething infinitely 
better : an e^jouementy a fpirit, a ■■ 

Sir Pet, Gaiety. I ever was fo from a child. 

Bev. In (hortj your drelis, addrefs, with a thoufand 
•ther particulars that at prefent I can^t recoiled. 

Sir Pet. Why, dear Bever, to tell thee the truth, I 
have always admirM Mifs Juliet, and a delicate creature 
file is : fweet as a fugarcane, itraight as a bamboo, and 
ker teeth as white as a negro's. ~ 

Bev. Poetic, but true. Now only conceivei^ Sir Pe- 
ter, fuch a plantation of perfe^ion^ to be devoured by 
that caterpillar, Ruft. 

Sir Pet. A liquoriAi grub \ Arc pine-apples for fuch 
muckworms as he ? I'll fend him a jar of citrons and 
, ginger, and poifon the pipkin. 

Bev. No, no. 

Sir Pet. Or invite him to dinner, and mix rat's-banc 
along with his curry. 

Bev., Not fo precipitate ; I think we may defeat him 
without any danger. 

Sir Pet. How, how ? 

Bev. I have a thought — ^but we muft fettle the plan 
with the lady. Could not. you give her the bint that I 
Aould be glad to fee her a moment* 

Qjl ^if 

^64 TBK PATRON. ^*9 / 

Str Pet. ni do it direaiy. 

Bev. But doa^t let Sir Thomas perceive you. 

*4Kf*r Pet, Never fear. You'll follow ? 

Bev. llie inftant I have fettled matters with her^ 
but £x the old fellow fo that (he may not be mifsM. 

Street, 1^1 nail him, I warranty I ha^e his opiuioa 
to beg 9ti this manufcript* 

Bev, Your own ^ 

Sir Pet. No. 

Bev. Oh ho t what, foraething new from the DodoiE^ 
your chaplain ? 

Sir Pet. Hei no, no. O Lord, he^s elopM. 

Bev. How ! 

Sir Pet. Gone. You know he was to dedicate his vo* 
lame of fables to me : fo I gave him thirty pounds to 
get my arms engrav'd, to prefix (by way of print) to the 
front! (piece ) and, O grief of griefs ! the Dodor has 
mov'd off with the money. 1*11 fend you Mifs Juliet. 


Bev. There, now, is a fpecial prot^dor ! the arts, I 
-think, canH but fiourilh iinder Aich a Maecenas. 

Toun, Heaven vifits with a tafle the wealthy £ool ) 

Bev. True 5 but then, tojuftify the difpenfation, 
Trom hence the poor are cloath*d, the hungry fed j 
Fortunes to bookfellers, to authors bread. 

Toun. The diilribution is, I own, a little unequal : 
And here comes a melancholy inftance ^ poor Dick Dac^ 
tyl, and his publilher Puff. 

Enter Da6lyl ami Puff. 

P///I Why, then, Mr. Daftyl. carry them to fome% 
'Ijody elfe 5 there are people enough in the trade. But 
I wonder you would meddle with poetry^ you know it 
rarely pays for the paper. 

Dae. And how can one help it, Mr. Puff ? genius 
'impels -y and when a man is once lifted in the fendce of 
the mufe s 

PvJ['. Why, let him give them warning as foon as he 

can, A pretty fort of fervice indeed, where there are 

neithei' wages nor vails ! The mufes ! And what, I 

fuppofe,. this is the livery .they give ? Gadzooks, I had 

. Wh(5;r bc^a waiter at Ranelagh^ 

• :BCV^ 

AS /.' TUfc PATROW/ 36^ 

Bev, The poet and publiiher at variance ! Whit i* 
the matter, Mr, Dadyl ^ 

Dae* As Gad fhall judge me, ?.Ir. Bcver, as pretty a - 
poem^ and fo polite ^ not a mortal can take any offence ;. 
all full of panegyric, and jpraife. 

Piiffl A. fine chara£ter he gives of his works. No of^ 
fence ! the grcateft in the world, Mr. Dadlyl. Panegyric 
and praife !* and what will that do with the public ? why, 
who the devil will give money to be told, that Mr* 
Such a-one is a wifer or better man than himfelf ? No, 
BO 'y ^tis quite and clean out of nature. A good (bufing^, well powdered with perfonal pepper, and 
feafoned with the fpirit of party ; that 4emoli(hes axon- 
fpicuous chara6ter, and finks him below our own level; 
l^ere, there, we are pleafed ', there we chuckle and 
grin, and tofe the half-crowns on- the counter* 
Dae, {Yes, and (b get croppM for a libel. 
PuJ^" CroppM ' ay j and the luckieft thing that cait 
bappen' to you. Why, I would not give two-pence for 
an author that is afraid of his ears. Writing, writing, 
is (^s I may fay)^ Mr. Da^yl, a fi>rt of war^re, whete 
none can be vi£tor that is the loail afraid of a fear. 
. Why, zooks, Sir, I never got fait to my porridge till I 
mounted at the royal exchange* 
Bev, Indeed ! 

Puff^^ No, no;. that was. the inakbg of me*. Then my 
name made a noife in the world. Talk of forked hill9|^ 
and of Helicon ! romantic and fabulous ftuff. The true 
CaAalian flream is » fiiower. of eggs, and a pillory the 
poet's Parnafiu». 

Dae. Ay, to- you, indeed^ k may anfwer ^ but what 
do we get for our pains ? 

Puf. Why, what the deuce would you get ? food, ' 
fire, and fame» Why, you would not grow fat ! a cor- • 
pulent poet is a monfter, a prodigy ! No, no 5 fpare diet 
is a fpur to the fancy ^ high feeding would but founder 
your Pegafus. 

Dae* Why, you impudent, illiterate rafcal ! who is it 
you dare treat in this manner ? 

Pujf, Heyday ! what is the matter now ? 
Dae* And is this the retura for all the obligations 

CL3 yott 


you owe me ? But do matter j the world, tlie world ihall 
know what you are, and how you have us*d me. 

pMjfl Do your worft ! I defplfe you, 

Dae. They (hall be told from what a dunghill you 
fprang. Gentlemen, if there be faith in a finuer, that 
fellow owes every ihiUing to me. 

Psfj: To thee ! 

Doc. Ay, ilrrah, to me. In what kind of a way did I 
£nd you ? then whei:e and what was jour ftate ? Gentle* 
iqen, his (hop was a (hed in Moorfields ; his kitchen, a 
broken pipkin of charcoal^ and hU bedchamber^ undev 
the counter. 

Pitffl I never ^as fond of ezpence \ I ever minded mj 

Dae. Your trade ! and pr&y with what ftock did you 
trade ^ I can give you the catalogue ^ I believe it won't 
overburden my memory. Two odd volumes of Swift ^ 
the Life of Moll Flanders, with cuts; the Five Senfes, 
printed and coloured by Overton ^ a few clafiics, thumVd 
and blotted by the boys of the Charter-houfe ^ with the 
•trial cf Dr. Sacheverel. 

Fujf Malice. 

Dae, Then, firrah^ I gave you my Canning ^ it was^ 
ihe firil* fet you afloat. 

JPuJ\ A grub. 

Da4;. And it is not only my writings : you know^ 
Urrah, what you owe to my pliyfic. 

Bfiv. How ! a phyfician ? 

Dae, Yes. Mr. Bevei j phyfic and poetry. Apollo is 
' the patron of both ; Opiferque per orbem dicor. 

PuJ\ His phyfic. 

Dae. My phyfic ! ay,- my phyfic. Why, dare youde* 
iiy it, you rafcal i What, have ypu forgot my powders 
for flatulent crudities > 

Fuf No. - 

DaCs My cofmetic lozenge and fugar-plumbs ? 

Puff No. 

Dcm. My coral for catting of teeth, my potions, my 
lotions, my pregnancy-drops, with my pafle for fuper* 
Uuous hairs ? " 

Pujf^ No, no \ have you dgn^. ?• 


Dac. Koy BO, BO *y but I belSere this will fufiice foj: 
the prefent. # 

Fuf, Now, woaM not any mortal believe that I ow^d 
my all to this fellow ? 

Bev» Why, indeed, Mr. PuflF, the balance does feem 
in his faTour. 

J^ttjf* In hi5 favour ! why, you don't give any credit 
to him ? a r^tile, a bug, that owes his yeiy being to 

Dac. I, I, I ! 

Ptiffi You, yon! What, I fuppofe you forget your 
garret in Wide-office court, when you furnim'd parai 
graphs for the Farthii^g pod at twelvepence a dozen. 

Dac. Fi£^ion. 

P«^ Then did not I gcryou made collector of cafuaU 
ties to the Whitehall and St. James's r biit that poftyour 
lazinefs loll you. Gentlemen; he never brought them ar 
robbery till the highwayman was going to be hangM \ a 
birth, till the chriftening was over \ nor a death, till- the 
katchment was up. 

Dac. Mighty well! . 

Fuff. And now, becaufe the fellow }ias got a little in 
iefh, by being puff to the play-houfe this winter, (to 
which, by-the-bye, I got him appointed^, he is as proud 
and as vain as Voltaire. But I fhall foon have him ua« 
der; the vacation will come. 

Dac. "Let it. 

Fujf. Then I ftiall have him fneaking and cringing; 
hanging about me, and begging a bit of tranflation. 

Dav. I beg, I, for tranflation ! 

Puff. No, -no, not a line 5 not if you would do it for 
two. pence a-{heet. No boilM bcaf and carrot at morn- 
ings; no more cold pudding and porter. You may take 
your leave of my (hop. 

• Dac. Your fhop I Then at parting. I will leave you ft 

Bev. O fie, Mr. Daayl ! 

Puff. Let him alone. 

Dac. Pray, gentlemen, let me do myfelf jufti^ce* 

Bev. Younger, reftr&in the. Publifhcr's fire. 

Toun. Fie, gentlemen, fuch an illiberal combat : It is 
icandal to the republic of letters^ 

C3L4 Bev^ 

3^* THI^ WTROIft jf& L 

Btv. Mr. Da^jl, an old man, a mechanic^ beaeatli— » 
%Doc. Sir, I am calm ;, that thought has reftorcd me^ 
To your infignificancy you are indebted for fafcty. But 
what my generofity has faved, my pen ihall defiroy. 

Fuff. Thco you nufl get fomebody to mend it. 

Dae. Adieu ! 

Fuf. Farewell. \Exeum feverally.. 

Bev, Ha, ha, ha ! come^ let us along to the-fquire. 
Blockheads, with reafon, wicked wits abhor 5 
But dunce with dunce is barb'rous civil war. . 

Enter Bever. and Youngsr*. 


PdOK Da£lyl \ and^ dwells fuch mighty rage iii litHfe 
men M hope there is no dia>ger of bloodihcd. 

Bev. Oh, not ioJthe lead : ^the gens vatum, the natioft: 
of poets, though an irritable, are yet a glacable pcofje*. 
Their mutuat inttreils wiQ foon bring them together 
again. . , 

Toung. But (hall not we be latt ? The critical fenate 
is by this time afTerabled. 

Bev\ I warrant you, frici.ue!nt and fall \ where 
Stately Bufo, puff M by every quill^ • 
Sits like Apollo on his forked hill. 
But you know I rauCV wait for iMifs Lofty ; I am now 
totally direded by her j (he gives roe the key to all Sir 
Thomas's foibles, and prefcribes the moft proper method 
to feed them y but what good purpofe that will pro^ 
duce I 

Youngs Is (he clever, adroit ? 
» Bev, Doubtlefs. I like your afking the queftion* of 

Youfi, Then pay an implicit obedience : The ladies, 
in thefe cafes, generally know what they are about. The 
door opens. * 

Be^ It is Juliet, and with 'her old Ruft. Enter 

Frank : you laow the knight, fo no introdudion i» 

wanted. {Exit Younger.) I (hould be glad to hear this 

*c*crend piece of lumber make love \ the courtihip muft 


AB H. THE pirmoir* 3^9 

certainlj be curious. Good manners, ftand b^ ; by jour 
leave, I Will liftcn a little. [Bevcr retires^ 

Enter Juliet ^W Ruft. 

Juh And your coUeSion is large ? 

Kufl. Mofi curious- aad capital. When, Mad am » will 
70U give me leave to add your charms to the catalogue ? 

Ju/.Q dear ! Mr. Ruft, I fhall but dHgrace it. Be- 
fides, Sir, when I many, I am refolved to have my huf- 
band all to myfelf : now, for the pofleflion of your heart 
I fhall have too many competitors. 

Ruft. How, Madam ? were Prometheus alive, and 
would animate the Helen that (lands in my hall, (he* 
ihould,not coil me a figh. 

JuL Ay, Sir, there lies my greatest misfortune. Had 
I only thofe who were alive to contend with by afliduity,. 
affedion, cares, and carefles, I might fecure my con- 
quell, though that would be difficult ^ For I am con* 
vincM, were you, Mr. Rull^ put up by P'reftage to auc«^ 
tiQn,tke Apollo fielvidere would not draw a greater 
number of bidders. v 

^ Ruft. Would that were the cafe. Madam, fo I might 
be thought a proper companion to the Venus de Me* 

JuL The flower of rhetoric, and pink of politenefs*^ 
But my fear^s are not confikied to the living f for ^vttj 
natipn and age, even painters and flatuartes, confpire a- 
gainfl me. Nay, when the pantheon itfelf, the very god- 
defies, rife up asmy rivals, what chance has a mortal like 
me ? I fhall certainly lajugb in his face. [AJide^ 

Rujl. She is a delicate fubje£l«-^Goddei&8, Madam ! 
Zooks, had you been on mount Ida when Paris decided 
the contei^, the Cyprian queen had pleaded for the pip* 
pin in vaim 

JuL Extravagant gallantry I 

Rufi. In you, Madam, are concentec'd aH the beau* 
lies of the heathea mythology : the open front of pi- 
ana, the luflre of Pallas's eyc a 

JuL Oh, SiE ! 

Ruji, The chromatic mufic of Qio, the blooTdin^ 
^aces of Hebe, the imperial port of queen Junoy y, ith 
the delicate dimples of Venus. 

JfuL IkCf Sir, antiquity has not cngroiyd all your 

37^ ^HE* PATRON. AEl llL 

attention : Yoa. are no novice ia the nature of woman* 
Inceofe, I own, is gratefnlto moft of my fex ;'but there 
are times when adoration may be be difpensM with. 

RuJ. Ma'am. 

Ju/, 1 fay, Sir, when we women willingly wave our 
rank in the ikies, and wi(l^ to be treated as mortals. 

Rtifi* Doubtlefs, Madam ; and are you wanting^ in 
materials for that ? No, Madam ^ as in dignity you fur- 
pals the heathen divinities, io in the jcharms of attrac- 
tion you bege^ar the queens of the earth. The whole 
world, at di£Ferent periods, has. contributed feveral 
beauties to form you. 

Jul. The deuce it has ! [^de, 

Ruft. See there the ripe Afiatic pevfiedion, joined to 
the delicate foftnefs of Europe. In you, Madam, 1 bum 
to pofTefs Cleopatra^s alluring glances, the Gceek profile 
of queen Clytemneftra, the Roman nofe of the en;prefs 
Popaea ■ ^ 

. Jui. With the majeilic march of queen Befs. Mere^p 
on me, what a wonderful creature am I ! 

Rufl, In ihort. Madam, not a feature you have, but. - 
recalls to my mind fo^e trait in a medal or buft, 

Jul, Indeed ! Why, by your Stccount, I mull be an 
abfolute olio, a perfe^ falamogundy of charms* 

Rnft* Oh, Madam, how can you demean, as I may 
fay, undervalue-— 

Jul. Value ! there is the thing ^ and to tell you the 
truth, Mr. Ruft, iu that word value lies my greatefi. ob-> 

Ruft^ I don^t undexiland you% 

JuL Why, then, V\\ explain myfclf* It has been faid^ 
and I belkve, with fome fhadow of truth, that no man is 
a hero to his valet de chambre ^ now I am afcaid, when 
yQU and I grow a little more intimate, which I fuppofe 
muft be the cafe if you proceed on your plan, you will 
be hoi^ribly dlfappointed in your high expedations, and 
foon difcover this Juno, this Cleopatra, and Frincefs Po^ 
-paea, to be as arrant a mortal as Madam your mother. 

RuJ. Madam, I, I, I 

Jul. Your patience a moment. Being therefore de* 
firous to prefcrve your devotion, I beg, fcr the fiiture^ 
you would pleafe to adore at a didance*. 

4 Rn/t- 

A& IL THE rATRON. 57^ 

Kufl. To Endymioa, Madam^ Luni once Mened. 

y«/. Ay, but he was another kind of a mortal j you 
may do very well as a votary, but for a hulband— mercy 
upon me ! 

Ruft, Madam, yon are not in earned, not ferious ? 

'jui. Not ferious ! Why, have you the impudence to 
think of marrying a goddefs \ 

Ruft, 1 (hould hope 

JuL And what (hould you hope ? I find your devotion 
refembles that of the world : when the power of finning 
15 over, and the fprightly firft runnings of life are rack'd 
offj yoa offer the vapid dregs to your deity. No, no-j 
you may, if you plcafe, turn monk in my fervicc. One 
vow, I believe, you will obfcrvc better than moft of 
them, chaftity. 

Rufi% Permit me 

Jul, Or if you mud marry, takeyotir Julia, your Pop-. 
tia or Flora, your fum-fam from China, or your -Egyptiaa 
Ofiris. You have long paid your addrefTes to them. 

Rufi, Marry ! what, marble ^ * 

JuL The propereft wives in the world *, you can^t 
choofe amifs ; they will fupply you with all that you^ 

^Rufi. Your uncle has^ Madam, confentsd. 

Juiu That is more than ever his niece will. <*onfen*- 
cd ! and to what ? to be fwathM to a mouldering mum* 
znv \ or be lockM up like your medal», to canker and 
rud in St cabinet i No, no; I was made for the worldy 
and the world (hall not be lobbM of its^ right. 

Bev, firavo, Juliet ! gad,, (he^s a fine fpirited girl. ' 

JuL My profile, indeed ! No, Sir > when 1 marry, I 
mud havie a man that will meet me full face. 

Ruji» Might I be heard for a moment ? 

Jul, To what end ? You fay you have Sir Thoma* 
Lofty *s confent 5 1 till you^ you can never have mine. 
You may fcieen me from or expofe me to my uncle V re- 
fentment y the choice is your own : if you lay the fault 
at my door, you wi^U doubtlefe greatly dillrefs me ; but 
take the blame on yourfelf, and I Aiall own myfelf e^ 
tremely oblig'd to you. 

Ru^, How, conftfs myfelf in the fault ? , 

JuL Ay ^ for the befl thing a man can djo> wU^u' he 

QjS ' ^ finidli 

3J2 TM FATXOir.. jiS^II. 

finds he can^t be beloved, is to take care he is not hear- 
tiiy hated. There is no other alternative. 

Rii/i^ Madam, I (han^t break 1117 word with Sir Tho^ 

Jtt/. Nor I with myfelf. So there V aa end of our 
conference. Sir, your very obedient*. 

Ruft, Madam, I^ I, don^t— -that is, let me— But nO' 
matter. Your fervant. \JExiu 

JuL Ha, ha, ha f 

Enter IR^vtrJrom bebindi 

Bev^ Ha^ ha, ha! Incomparable Juliet ! how the olf 
dotard trembled and totterM ! he couTd not have been 
moreinflamM had he been robbM of his Otho. 

Jul. Ay y was ever goddefs fb familiarly usM Mn myr 
eonfcience, 1 b^gan to be afr^d that he would treat me 
as the Indians do their dirty divinities ; whenever thej^- 
are deaf to their prayers, they beat and abufe them* 

Bev. But after all, we are in an aukwacd fitaation« 

'^uL How fo ! 

Bev. I have my fears* 

JuL So have not. I. 

jBtfv. Your uncle has reiblvM' that you (hould be maiv 
lied to Rud. 

JuL Ay he may .decree ; but it is. I that mufl exe* 

Bev. But fttppofe he has given- his word* 

JuL Why, then let him recal it again. 

Beo^ But are you fure you (hall have courage enough—- 

JuL To fay no } That requires much refolution ii^ 

Bev. Then I am at the- height of my hopes. 

JuL Your hopes ! Your hopes and your fears are illi* 
founded alike. 

Bev^ Why, you are determined not to be his* 

JuL Well, and what then > * 

Bev. What then ! why, then you. will be mine* 

JuL Indeed ! and is that the natural eosfequence ^ 
w2ioever won^t be his muil be yours ? Is that the log^c 
of Oxford? 

Bev, Madam, I did flatter myfel f 

Jo/. Then you diti very wrong, indeed; Mr . Bever ;. 

" * \ JOtt 

jfn IL THCPATROff. 373? 

you fhould eyer guard againft flattering yotirfelf $ for of 
all dangerous parafites. Self is the worfl. 

Bev. I am aftonifhed. 

JuL x^LftoniQiM ! you arc mad, I believe ! Why, I 
have not known you a month. It is true, my uncle fays * 
your father i^ his friend ^ your fortune, in time, will be 
^afy \ your figure is not remarkably faulty ; and as to 
your underftanding, paflable enough for a young fellow 
who has not feen much of the world : but when one 
talks of a hufband-— Lot d, 'tis quite another fort of a— » 
Ha, ha, ha \ Poor Bever, how he' flares; he flands like a 
ftatue I 

Bev. Statue ! Indeed, Madam, I am very near petrified* 

Jul* £ven then you will make as ^ood a.hufhand as 
Ruft. But go, run, and join the afiembly within : be at- 
tentive to every word, motion and look of my nucleus ; 
be dumb when he fpeaks, admire all he fays, laugh whea 
he fmirks, bow when he fneezes } in ihort, fawn, flatter, 
and cringe ; don^t be afi^aid of overloading his flomach \ 
iot the knight has a noble digeftion, and you will find 
fome there who will keep you in countenance. 

Bev. I fly. So then, JuHet, your intention was onl^p 
to try 

JuL X)on't plague me with impertinent queflions y 
varch 'y obey my diredions. We mufl leave the ifiue to. 
chance \ a greater friend to mankind than they are wilU . 
ing to own. Oh, if any thing new fhould occur, yoa 
may come into the drawing-room for &rth^r inflrudlions.. 

\E%£unt feoerally^ 
ScEN£, AUoiok tf* Sic Thomas Lahy^s'Hou/e 
Sir Thomas, Rufl, PufF, Daftyl, and" others^ difcovered 


Sir Tbo. Nothing new to-day from Pamafius ^ 

Dae, Not that I hear. 

Sir Tbo^ Nothing critical,^ philofophical, or political ^ 

Fuf. Nothing. ' 

Sir Tho, Then in this difette, this dearth of Invention, 
igiven me leave, gentlemen, to didribute my flores. I have 
here in my hand a little - froart fatyrical epigram ; new,, 
and prettily pointed : in ihort, a produdUon that Mar- 
tial himfelf would not have biufhedto acknowledge. 

£ufi. Your own^ Six Thomas ? 

5*P4 ' '^ !»ATll01t. , -^<5 IT* 

Sir Tbo^ O fie ! no ', fcnt mc this morning, anonyiDous. 

Dae. Pray, Sir Thomas, let us have it. 

u4iL By all means > by all me^ns. 

Si9^ Tbo. To Phillis. 

Think'ft thou, fond Phillis, Strephon told thcc tnw^ 
Angels are painted fair, ta look like you : 
Another ftory all the town will tell j 
Phillis paints fair to look like an an-geL 

jfll. Fine ! fine ! very fine ! 

Doc. Such an eafe and £mplicity ! 
JPujf, The turn fo ane;^pe£^ed and qtuck ! 

Rufl. The fatire fo poigTiant ! 

Sir Tbo. Yes ^ I think it pofiefles in an eminent de- 
gree,, the three great epsgrammatical requifitesj brevity, 
familiarity^ and feverity. 

Phillis paints fair — ^to look like an an -gel. 

Dae. Happy ! Is the Phillis, the fubjeft a fecret > 

Sir Tbo. Oh, dear me ! nothing perfonal j no : an im- 
promptu > a merey^tf ite/prii, x 

Puff'. Then, Sir Thomas, the fecret is out j it is your 

Dae. That was obvious enough. 

Puff. Who is there elfe could have wrote it ? 

Rt^. True, true. 

Sir Tbo. The name of the author is needlefs. So it ib 
an acquiiition to the republic of letters, any gentleman 
may claim the merit that will. 

Puff, What a noble contempt ! 

Dae. What greitnefs of mind ! 

Rufl. Scipio and Lxlius were the Roman Loftys. 
'Wny, I dare believe Sir Thomas has been tlie makinj^ 
of half the authors in town : he is, as 1 may fay, the great 
manufa^urer ^ the other poets, are but pedlars, that live 
by retailing his wares. 

jili. Ha, ha„ha \ well obferv'd' Mr. Ruft. 

* Sir Tbo. Ha, ha; ha ! Moile atque facetum. Why, 
\ to purfue the metaphor,, if Sir Thomas Lofty was to 
^ call in his poetical debts, I believe there would be m 

* good many bankrupts in the Mufe's Gazette 

* JIL Ha, ha ha ! 

* $ir Tbo. But, apropos, gentlemen ; with regsrd to 
I the cclipfe : you found my calculation cxaft i 

• Dae. 

jtniL THE PATllC»f# 57 1 

* Dac, To a digit. 

* Sir 7ho. Total darkntfS) indeed ! wd birds goiQ]^ 
' to rooft ! Thofe philomaths, thofe aVnanack-makerSy 

* are the ni oft ignorant rafeals— — 

* Puff. It is amazing where Sir Thomas Lofty ftores^ 
' all his knowledge. 

' Dac, It is -wonderful how the mind of man catt 

* contain it. 

* Sir Tbo Why, to tell yoo the truth, that circum* 
^liance has a good deal engagM my attention^ and I 

* believe you will admit my method of folving the phe* 
' nomenoD philofophical and ingenious enough. 

* Fuff. Without queftion. 

* ^iL Doubtlefs. 

' Sir Tha. I fuppofe, gentlemen, my memory, or mind, 

* to be a chefl of drawers, a kind of bureau \ where, ia 

* feparate cellules, my different knowledge, on different 

* fubjcdls is flored. 

' * Rufi, .A prodigious difcoyery ! 
. * -^jy. Amazing ! 

* ^ir Tbo^ To this cabinet, volition, or will, has a key > 

* fo When an arduous fubjed occurs, I unlock my bureau, 
^ pull out the particular drawer, and ^m fupplied with 

* what I want in an inftant. 

* Dac, A Malbranch 1 

* Puff. A Boyle 1 

* >f//, A Locke 1 

Enter Servant* 
. Ser. Mr. Bever. [^ExtS^ 

Sir Tbo. A young gentleman from Oxford, recom- 
mended to my care by his father. The univcrfity has 
given him a good folid Doric foundation ^ and when he 
has receivM from you a few Tufcan touches, the Ionic 
and Corinthlaa graces, I make no doubt but he will 
prove a Compofitc pillar to the republic of letters. (iT/ir- 
ter BeverO This, Sir, is the fchool^ from whence fo ma- 
ny capital mailers have iffued \ the river that enriches 
the regions of fcience. 

Dac» Of which river^ Sir Thomas, you are the fource> 
here we quaff: Ej purpurea bibimus ore netlar. - 

Sin Tbo. Purpurea} Delicate, indeed, Mr. Da£lyl ! Do 
you hear, Mr. Bevier ? BHiims ore neffar. You, young 


37& "rax pATnoif. >^ i£ 

geademan, muft be iiiftruded to quote'^ notBi&g gives » 
period more fpirit than a happj quotation, nor has in- 
deed a finer effe^ at the head of an eflaj. Poor I>ick 
Steel ! I have obliged him wkh many a motto for bis 
fugitive pieces. 

Puff, Ay; and with the contents too, or Sir RichanI 
is foully belyM. 

"Enter Servant. 

Ser. Sir Roger Dowlas. 

Sir 7ho, Pray defire him to enter. {Estit Servant. J^ 
Sir Roger, gentleman, is a confiderable £aft-lndia pro- 
prietor ; and feems defirous of collecting from this learned 
aflembly fame rhetorical flowers, which he hopes to flrciv 
with honour to himfelf, and advantage to the company ,. 
at Merchant-Taylois Hall. {Enter Sir Roger Dowlas.> 
Sir Roger, be feated. This gentleman has, in 'common 
with the greateft orat<yr the world ever law, a fmall na« 
tural infirmity ; he flutters a little : but I have prefcrib'd 
the fame remedy that Demofthenes ufed, and don'^t de- 
fpair of a radical cure 'Well^ SIti have you digefted 
thofe general rules ? 

Sir Rog. Pr— ett— y well, I am obli— g*d to you. Sir 
Thomas. . 

Sir Tifo. Have you been r);gular in taking your tinc- 
ture of fage, to give you confidence for (peaking in pub- 
lic ? 

Sir Rog, Y— cs. Sir Thomas. 

Sir Tho, Did you open at the lad general court ? 

Sir Reg, I attem-— p— ted fo— ur or fi— ve times* 

Sir T6o. What hinder^ your progrefs ? 

Sir Rog, The pe— b— ^les. 

Sir ^ho. Oh, the pebbles in his mouth. But they are 
«nly put into pradiie in private; you (houldtake thent 
<^ut when you are addreiTmg the public. 

Sir Rog. Yes ; i will for the fn— ture. 

Sir Tbo. Wellt Mr. Ruft, you hada tete-atete with my 
niece. A-propos, Mr. Bever, here offers a fine occafioar 
for you ; we (hall take the liberty to trouble your mufe 
on their nuptial : O Love ! O Hymen ! here prune thy^ 
purple wings; trim thy bright torch. Hey, Mr. Bever? 

Betf, My talents are at Sir Thomas Lofty *8 dire^on ;, 
though 1 muft defpair of producing any performance 


worthy the attention of fo compUte a judge in the ele* 
gant arts. 

Sir Tbo. Too modeft, good Mr. Bcrcr. ^ Well, Mr. 
Ruft, any new acquifition finee qu( I&ii meeting, to your 
matchlefs colledion ? 

Rufi, Why, Sir Thomas, I have both loft and gained 
fince I faw you. 

Sir Tho, Loll ! I am forry fOi that. 
Rnft. The curious farcophagus, that was fent me £rom» 
Naples by Signior Bellon i 

Sir Tbou You mean the urn that was fiippofed to con« 
tain the duft of Agrippa ? 
•'Rufi, Suppofed I no doubt but it did. 
Sir Tho, I hope so (ini&ex accident to that ineftimable 
xelic of Rome. 
Ruft. »Ti8 gone. 

Sir 7ba. Gone ! oh, illiberal ! What, ftotea I %pofe 
l>y fome connoifieur ? . « 

R^fi. Worfe, worfe ! a prey, a martyr to ignorance: 
a houCemaid that I hired laft week miftook it for a bro« 
ken green chambet<pot, and fent it away in the duft. 
cart. ' ' 

Sir Tbo. She merits impaling. Oh, the Hun ^ 
JDtfr. The Vandal! 
^//. The Vifigoth ! 

Rtg/i. But 1 have this day acquired a treafure that. 
"Will in fome meafure make me amends. 
. Sir Tbo. Indeed^! what can that be ? 
Pyffl That muft be fomething curious, indeed. 
Rufi, It has cod m^ infinite trouble to get it. 
Dae. Great rarities are not to be had without pains*. 
Ru/ir, It is three months ago. fince I* got the firft fcent 
«{it -y and I had. been ever fince on the hunt) but all ta 
no purpofe. 

Sir Tbo. I am quite upon thorns till P fee it. 
Riifi. And yeflerday when I had given it over, wheil 
all my hopes were growotdefperate, it fell into my hands 
by the mo(i unei^eded and wonderful accident. 
.Sir. Tbo. ^od optavt$i ilivam promiitere nmno 

Auderet, vohenda dies en attulitukro. 
Mr. Bever, you remark my quotation ^ 

37^ ^E FATHOK. A3 Ilm. 

B^v, Moft happy- Oh, Sir^ nothing yon fay can be 

Rufi. I have brought it here in my pocket j I am n« 
ehuxl 'j I love to pleafure my friends. 

Sir Tko» Yoa are, Mr. Ruft, extremely obliging. 

jfJL Very kind, very obliging indeed. 

Ruft^^t was not^much hurt by the fire« 

Sk- Tbo, Very fortunate. 

Mufi. The edges are foil'd by the link, but many oS' 
%hc. letters arc exceedingly legible. 

*^ Rog. A li — ^ttlr roo — ^m, if you pi— eafe, 

Rtlfi!, Here it is'j the precious remains of the verjf 
•^orth Briton that was burnt at the Royal Exchangee* 

Sir Tbif. Number forty -five \ 

Ruft. The famt. 

Bev, Y<)u are are a lucky man, Mr. Ruft« 

Ruft. I think fo. But, gentlemen,'! hope I needl not 
give you a caution : hi^fh— filence«— no words on thif 

Dae. You may depend upon ns. 

Ruji. For as the paper has not (uffered the lavr^ I 
Aon't know whether they may not feize it again. 

Sir Tio. With us you are fsie, Mr. Ruft. Well, youn^ 
gentleman, you fee we cultivate all branches of fcicf^cc. 

Bev. Amazing, indeed ! But when we confider you, 
fir Thomas, as the dire Aing, the ruling planet, our won* 
der fubQdes in an inftant. Science firft faW the day witk 
Socrates in the Attic portico ^ her early years were ipent 
with Tully in the Tufculaa fliade ^ but her ripe, matu* 
rer hours, (he enjoys with Sir Thomas Lofty near Ca-^ * 
yendifti fquare. 

Sir Tbo. The moil claflical compliment I ever received! 
Qentlemen, a philofophical repail attends yoox accep- 
tance within. Sir Roger, you'll lead the way. {Exeunl 
all but Sir Thomas cWBever.) Mr. Bevcr, may I beg 
your ear for a moment ? Mr. Bever, the friendihip I have 
for your father, fecured you at firft a gracious recep« 
tion from me^ but what I then paid to an old obliga- 
tion, is now, Sir, due to your own particular merit. 

Bey. I am happy. Sir Thomas, i f 

Sir Tbo, Your patience. There is in you, Mr. Bever, 
H fije^of imagination, a <juicknefs of apprcheniion, a fo^ 


^<5? //. 9RS PATKCnf. 37^ 

lidity of judgment^ joinM to a depth of dircretion* that 
I never yet met with in any fubjedl at your time of life; 

Bev. I hope 1 fhall never forfeit-— 

Sir Tbo, I am fare you never will ^ and to give- you 
a convincing proof that I think fb, I am now going to 
trud you with the mofl important fecret of my wholo 

Bev, Your confidence does me great honour. 

Sir Tbo. But this muft be on a certain condition. 

Bev. Name it. 

Sir Tbo. That you give me your folemn promife to 
eomply with one requeft I {hal( make you. 

Bev. There is nothing Sir Thomas Lofty can aik that 
I (ball not cheerfully grant. 

Sir Tbo. Nay, in fad, it will be ferving youriel£ 

Bev. I want no {uch inducement. 

Sir Tbo. Enough. But we pan't be too private. (Siutt 
ihe door\ Sit you down. Your ChriHian naioe^ I thinly 

Bev. Richard. 

Sir Tbo. True } the fame as your father^s : eome, let 

iis be familiar. ^It is, I think, dear Dick, acknowledgVl, 

that the Englifh have reached the higheft pitch of per^ 

. fedion in every department of writing but one-^the drav 


Bev. Why, the French critics are a little fevere. 

Sir Tbo, And with reafon. Now, to refcue our credit, 
and at the fame time give my country a model (^Jbew^ 
a fnanufcrtpt), fee here. 

Bev. A play ! 

Sir Tbo. A cbef d'*cnivre. 

Bev, Your own ? 

Sir Tbo. Speak lower. I am the author. 

Bev: Nay, then there can be no doubt of its merit. 

Sir Tbo. 1 think not. You will be charm'd with the 

Bev. What is it, Sir Thomas ? 

Sir Tbo. I (hall furprife you. The ilory of Robinfoa 
Crufoe. Are not you ftruckf x 

Bev. Mod prodigioufly. 

Sir Tbo. Yes ; I knew the very title would hit you. 
you will find the whQle fable is, finely conduced ^ and 



the chander of Fridays qualis ab inc€pto^ nobly fupport* 
ed throughout. 

Bev, A pretty difficult talk. 

Sir Tbo. True \ that was not a bow for a boy* The 
piece has long been ivt rehearfal at Drury-Lane play— 
houfe, and this night is to make its appearance. 

Bev, To-night ? . 

Sir Tbo» This night. , 

BeV' I will attend^ and engage all my friends to fup- - 
port it. 

So' Tbo. That is n^t my purpofe ^ the piece will want. 
BO fuch af!iilance. 

Bev, I beg pardon; 

Sir Tbo, The manager of that houfe ^who, you knowr^- 
is a writer himfelf), finding, all the anonymous things he- 
producM (indeed fome of them wretched enough^ and' 
▼ery unworthy of him) placM to^his account by the pub^ 
lic^ is determined to exhibit no more without knowing;^ 
the name of the author. 

Bev, A reafonable caution. 

Sir Tbo: Now, upon my promife (for I appear to pa- 
tronize the play) to announce the author before the cur-- 
,tain draws up, Rohinfon Crutbe is advertis'd for this, 

Bev^ Oh^ then you wiU acknowledge the piece to be 

Sir Tbo. No. 

J?^. Piaw then } 

Sir Tho. My defign is to give it to yoa-». 

Bev. To rac ! 

Sir Tbo. To you. 

Bev, What, me the author of Robinfon Cniibe ? 

Sir Tbo. Ay. 

iev. Lordj Sir Thomas, it will never gain credit : fo» 
complete a produ£tion the work of a ftripling ! Befides, 
Sir, as the merit is yours, why rob yourfelf of the glo«> 

♦ Sir Tbo, I am entirely indifferent to that. . 

Bev. Then why take the trouble I 

Sir Tbo. My fondncfs for letters, and love of my coun« 
try. fiefides, dear Dick, though the fiauci i3''feIe€H^ the 
chofen iew, know %h& fiill value of a performance like 



this, jet the ignorant, the profane (by much the majo- 
rity) will be apt to think it an occupation ill fuited to 
Tsxj time of life. 

Bev. Their cenfuxe is praife. 

'Sir Tbo, Doubtlefs. But indeed my principal motive 
IS my friendihip for you. You are now a candidate for 
literary honours, and I am determinM to fix your fanie 
pn an immoveable bafis. 

Bev, You are mod excefltvely kind ; but there is fome-^ 
thing fo diiingenuous in dealing reputation from another 
man ^ , 

Str Tho. Idle punctilio ! 

Bev^ It puts me foin mind of the daw in the fable^^- 

Sir Ti&«, Come, come, dear Dick, I wonH fuffer your 

imodefty to murder your fame. But the company will 

i^fped fomething ^ we will join them, and proclaim yoa 

the author. There, keep the copy^^ to you I confign it 

for ever j it (hall be a fecret to latelt pofterity. You will 

be fmotherM with praHe by our friends ) (hey (hall all in 

rtheir bark to the playhoufe ^ and there, 

Attendant fail, 
Purfue the triumph, and partake the gale. 



Enter Bever, reading. 

^o ends the 'firft aft. Come, now for the fecond. 
*' A£l the (econd, (hewing," — -the coxcomb has pre- 
face every aft with an argument too, in humble imita- 
tion, I warrant,<of Monf. Diderot — " Shewing the fatal 
** effefts of difobedience to parents:" with, I fnppofe, 
'the diverting fcene of a gibbet j an entertaining fubjeft 
rf or comedy. And the blockhead is as prolix; every 
fcene as long as a homily. Let's fee \ how does this end ? 
*' Exit Crufoe, and enter fome favages dancing a fara- 
<< band.'' There's no bearing this abominable tra(h. 
(Enter Juliet,^ So, madam; thanks to your advice and 
>^ireftion, I am got into a fine fituation. 
Jul. What is the matter now, Mr Bevcr ? 
.Bev, The Robinfon Crufoe. 

JhL Oh, the play that is to be afted to night. Pow 


^1 Tffis MT&tti Asi. m, 

Fecret you were ! Who in the world would have guefs^d 
jrou was the author ? 

Bev^ Me, Madam ! 

JuL Your title b odd \ bat to a genius every fubjeft 
Is good. 

Bev, You are inclio^d to be pleafant. 

yi#/. Within they have been all prodigious loud in the 
praife of your piece 5 but I think my uncle rather more 
eager than any. 

Be^, He has reafon \ for fatherly fondnefs goes fac 

JuL I don't underftand you. 

Bev, You don't ! 

>/. No, 

Bev. Nay, Juliet, this is too mucb \ you know it is 
%ont of my play. 

Jul. Whofe then > 

Be^. Your uncle's. 

'JuL My uncle's ! Then how, in the name of wonder, 
eame you to adopt it ? 

Bev. At his earned requeli4 I may be a fool \ but re- 
member. Madam, you are the caufe. 

Jul. This is ftrangej but I can't conceive what**liis 
motive cocild be. 

Beo. His motive is obvious enough ; to fcreen himmf 
£rom the infamy of being the author. 

Jul. What, is it bad, then ? 

Bcv. Bad ! moft infernal !* . • 

Jul. And you have confented to own it ? 

Bev. Why, what could I do ? He in a manner com* 
jiell'd me. ^ » 

Jul. I am extremely glad of it. 

Bev. Glad of it ! Why, I tell you it is the moft dull, 
tedious, melancholy — 

Jul. So much the better. 

Biv. The moft flat piece of frippery that ever Gmb-> 
ISreet produced. 

luL So much., the better. 

Bev. It will be dajnan'd before tbc third aft. 

Jul. So much the better, 

Bev. And I (hall be hooted and pointed at WhcrcVef 

Jul. So mucli the better. 

BrtK So much the better! Zounds ^ /b, I fu'ppofe you 
would fay if I was going to be hang'd. Do you call this 
a mark of your friendihip ? 

,3W. Ah, Bevcr, Bcvcr ! you are a miferable politi- 
cian : do you know, now, that this is the|Juckielt inci- 
dent that ever occurred ? 

Bev, Indeed I 

JuL It could not have been better kid, had we plan** 
Bed it ourfelves. 

Bro. You will pardon my want of conception j but 
Chefe are riddles. 

Ju/, That at prefent I have not time to explain. Bot 
what makes you loitering here ? Pa^ fix o'clock, as I 
live ! Why, your play is begun j run, run to the -houfe. 
Was ever author fo little anxious for the fate of his 

Bev, My piece ! 

Jul* Sir Thomas ! I know by his walk. Fly 5 and pray 
ill the way for the fall of your play. And, do you hear« 
if you find the audience too indulgent, inclinM to be 
milky, rather than fail, iqueeze in a little acid yourfelf. 
Oh, Mr. Bever, at your return, let me fee you before you 
go to my uncle) that is, if yon have the good luck to be 

Bfv^ You need feot doubt that. [£A?i/. 

Enter Sir Thomas Lofty. 
, Sir Thd, So, Juliet 3 was not that Mr. Beyer ? 

J»/. Yes, Sir. 
' Sir Tbo* He is rather tardy ; by this time his caufe is 
"«orae on. And how is the young gentleman aSedted ? 
fcr this 15 a trying occafioa. 

?*w/. He feems pretty certain, Sir. 

^ir Tba. Indeed I think he has very littlfe rea(bn for 
iear. I ^lonfefs I admire the piece, and feel as much for 
rts fate as if the work was my own, 
* JuL That I moit fincerely believe. I wonder, Sir, you 
did not choofe to be prefent, 

^ir Tho. Better not. My affc6lions are ftrong, Juliet, 
.and my nerves but teiulerly (Irung •, however, intelligent 
people are planted, who will bring me, every acl, a 
•faithful account of the proccfs 

yul. That will anfwer your purpofc as well* 


^"84. Tli£ PATRON. jS£i JSl 

Sir Tho. Indeed I am pafliooately fond of the arts» 
and therefore can't hel p - D id not fomebody knock ^ 
No, My good girl, will you flep, and take care that 
when any body conies^ the fervants may not be out of 
4he way ? (^Exit Juliet.) Five-and-thirty aunates paft 
"fix : by this time the firfl a£t muft be over : John will ht 
prefently here. • I think it can't fail ^ yet there is & 
much whim and caprice in the public opinion^ tha t ■ ■ 
This young man is unknown^ they'll give him no cre- 
dit. I had better have own'd it myfelf : reputation goes 
•a great way in thefe matters ^ people are afraid-to find 
fault 'y they are cautious in cenfuring the works of a man 
^ho-^Huih ! that's be ^ no, 'tis only the (hutters, Af. 
ter all, I think I have chofen the bfit way ^ for if it (uc* 
ceeds to the d^ree I expe6l, it will be eafy to circulate 
the real name of the author ; if it fails, I an conceal'd; 
my fame fuflers — no — There he is. (Xoud knockvtg,^ I 
can't conceive what kept him fo long. {Enter John.) 
So, John *y well \ and— -—but you have been a monflroai 

John. Sir, I was wag'd fe clofe ia the pit, that I could 
icarcely get out. 

Sir Tbo. The houfe was full, then ? 

John. As an tggy Sir, 

Sir 7*0. That's right, Wefi, John, and did matters 
go fwimmingjy, hey' ? 

John, Exceedingly weU, Sir. 

Sir 7bo. Exceedingly well. I don't doubt it, What> 
vaft clapping and loars of applaufe, Ifuppofe. 

John. Very well, Sir. 

Sir Tho. Very well. Sir ! You are damn'd coftive, I 
tHnk. But did hot the pit and boxes thunder again ? 

John. I can't fay tlierc was over-much thunder. 

Sir Tho. No ! Oh, attentive, I reckon. Ay, atten- 
tion ; that is the true, folid, fubftantial applaufe. All 
elfe may be purchafed *, hands move as they are bid : but 
when the audience is ^lufh'd, iUll, afraid of lofing a wordy 
then ■ ' ■ 

John, Yes they were very quiet indeed, Sir* 

Sir Tho, I like them the better, Jolift , a ftrong mark 
of their great fenfibility. Did you fee Robin ? 

John. Yes, Sir j he'll be here in a trice : I left him 

I HirniDg 

liA'ning at the back of the boxes, and chsirg^d him to 
make all the hade home that he could. 
. Sir Tbo. That's right, John •, very well ; your account 
plcafes me much, honeft John, (^Exit John,) No, I did 
not expe6t the firft a£l would produce any prodigious ef« 
fe6l. And after all, ^he fiiril ad h but a mere introduc- 
tion 'y jufl opens the buiinefs, the plot, and gives a little 
infight into the chara6lers^ fo that if you but engage and 
intereft the houfe, it is as much as the bed writer call 
^2Xt-^{Knocking without,) Gadfo ! what, Robin already? 
why the fellow has the feet of a Mercury. {Enter Robin.) 
Well, Robin j and what news do you bring ? 

Roh, I, I, I 

Sir Tbo* Stop, Robin, and recover yotir breath. Now, 

Rob, There has been a woundy uproar below. 
* Sir Tbo, An uproar! what at the playhoufe ? 

RoL Ay. 
. Sir Tbo. At what ? 

• Rob. I don't know : belike at the words the playfolk 
were talking. 

Sir Tbo. At the players? How can that be? Oh, now 
I begin to perceive. Poor fellbw, he knows but little of 
plays : What, Kobin, I fuppofe, hallooing, and clap- 
ping, and knookinjg; of (licks. 

Rob, Hallooing ! Ay, and hooting too. 

Sir Tbo* And hooting ! 

Rob, Ay, and hifling to boot. 

Sir Tbo, HiiTmg ! you muft be tnillakcn. 

Rob, By the mafs, but I am not. 

Sir Ibo, Impoffible ! Oh, moft likely fome drtmken 
diforderly fellows that were diHurbing the houfe, and in- 
terrupting, the play J too common a oafe ; the people were 
ijght, they deferv'd a rebuke. Did not you bear them 
cry. Out, out, out I 

Rob, Noa ; that was not the cry \ 'tvyas, Off, olF, oiF 1 

Sir Tbo. That was a whtmfical noife. Zounds ! that 
muft be the players. Did you obfcrve nothing elfe ? 

Rob, Belike the quarrel fir ft began between the gentry 
and a black-a-moor man. 

Sir Tbos With Friday ! The public taftc is debauched 

-hoaeft natur.e is too plain and fimple for their vitiated 

Vol. IV. . .R palates! 



p&lates 1 {Enter Juliet*) Juliet^ Robin brings me the 
ilrangeft account ^ fame little difturbance ^ but I fuppofe 
it was foon fettled again* Oh, but here comes Mr. Stay* 
tape my taylor ^ be is a rational being ^ we fhall be able 
to make fomething of him. {Enter Staytape.) So, Stay- 
.tape ; ^h at, is the third a6k over already ? 
Stay, Over, Sir ! no \ nor never will be» 
Sir Tbo^ What xio you mean ? 
^ay. Cut (hort. 

Sir Tbo, I don't comprehend you. 
Stay. Why, Sir, the poet has made a miftake ia. 
.meafuring the tafte of the town j the goods, it feems, 
did not fit \ fo they returnM them upon the gentlemanS 
hands. . ♦ 

Sir The. Rot your affedatson and quaintnefs, you pup* 
py ! fpeak plain. 

^ Stay* Why then. Sir, Robinfon Crufoe is dead* 
Sir 7ho. Dead ! 

Stay, Aye 5 and what is worfe, will never rife any 
inore. You will ibon have all the particulars ^ for 
there were four or five of your friends clofe at mjr 

Sir Tbo» Staytape, Juliet, run and flop them. Say I 
am gone out ; I am fick ^ I am engaged : but whatever 
you do, be fure you donH let Bever come in* Secure of 
<he vi^ory, I invited them to the ccleb r 
Stay, Sir, they are here. 
Sir Tbo, Confound—— 

Enter Puflf, Daayl, an J Ruft* 
Sujf, Aye, truly, Mr. Puff, this is but a bitter begift- 
iiiing ; then the young man mud turn himfelf to fome 
other trade. 

Puffl Servant, Sir Thomas ^ I fuppofe you have heard 
thmews of-— — 

Sir Tbo, Yes, yes 5 I have been told it before* 
Dae, I confefs, I did not fufpedi it $ but there is no 
knowing what effe6l thefe thefe things will have, till 
they come on the ftage. 

Rufi, For my part, I doa*t know much of thefe mat« 

ters ; but a couple of gentlemen near me, who feemM 

Sagacious enough too, decla^^d that it was the vileft ftuff 

f tbtx 

jiB ItL THE PATKOlf. 3S7 * 

tiiey ever had heard^ and wonderM the players would 
aa it. 

Dae. Yes : I donH remember to have feen a more ge- 
jieral diflike^ 

Fuff,\ "wag thinking to afk you, Sir Thomas, for 
your intereft with Mr. Bever, about buying the copy *y. 
but now no mortal would read it. Lord, Sir, it would 
not pay for paper and printing.- 

Rufl. L remember, Kennet, in his Roman antiquities^ 
mentions a play of Terence's, Mr. Daftyl, that was ter- 
ribly treated j but that he attributes to the peoples fond- 
nefs for certain funambuii, o¥ rope-dancers \ but I have- 
not lately heard of any famous tumblers in town : Sir 
Thomas, have you ? 

Sir Tho. How Oiould i ? do yon fuppofe I trouble mj 
liead about tumblers ? 

Ruft^, Nay I did not. 

Bev, (/peaking without,^ Not to be fpoke with f 
IXon't tell me, Sir ^ he muft» he fhalK 

Sir Tbo. Mr. Bever's voice. If he is admitted in his> 
^refent difpofition,. the whole fccret will certainly out* 
Gentlemen, fome affairs of a mod interefling natune 
makes it impoffible for me to have the honour of your 
icompany to-night) therefore I beg you would be fo 
good as to 

Ruft. Affairs \ no bad news ? I hope Mifs Jul^ is welL 
. Sir Tba. Very well j but I am moft exceedingl y 

Rufi. I (hall only juft flay to fee Mr. Bever : poor lad I 
he will be mofl horribly down in the mouth y a little 
comfort won^t come amifs. 

Sir Tbo. Mr. Bever, Sir! y«u won't fee him here. 

Rii/i. Not hece 1 why, I thought I hoard hjs voice 
but juft now. 

Sir Tbo, You are miftaken, Mr. Ruft j but ■ ■ ■ ■ 

Ru/i. May be £6 5 then we will go. Sir Thomas, my 
compliments of condolence, if you pleafe, to the poet. 

Sir Tbo^ Ay, ay. 

Dac» And mine 5 for 1 fuppofe we ftian't -fee him 

Pujl Poor gentleman ! I warrant he won't (hew his 
head for thefe fix months. 

R z Rujf.. 

388 TBE PATRGM. J^ lU*- 

R»fi. Ay, ay J indeed, 1 am very forry for him j £• 
Ull bim. Sis« 

X)«r, and Pyjf' So are we. 

Rufi. Sir Thomas, your fervant. Come, gentlemeob 
By a)).ihis confuiioa in Sit Thomas^ there mufl be fomcr 
tl^^g* more in the wind than 1 know > but I will watcfa^ 
L an>^ refolvM. [^ExetinK 

Bev. {without,) Rafcals, fiand by ! I mull, I will fet 

Enter Bcver. 
So, Sir 'y thb is delicate treatment, after all I have f a& 

I^r Tbo^ Mr. Bevcr, I hc^e, you don't-— that is— 

Bev* Well, Sir Thomas Lofty, what think you now 
of your Robinfon Crufoe ? a pretty performance ! 

Sir Tho. Think, Mr. Bevcr I I think the public art 
blockheads *, a taftelefs, ilupid^ ignorant tribe j and a 
man of genius deferves to be damned who writes any 
thing for them. But courage dear Dickj^ the princi- 
pals will give you what the people refufe j the clofet 
will do you that jiiftice the ilage has deny,d : Print your 

Bev,. My play ! Zounds, Sir^ 'tis your Qwn« 

Sir Tba, . Speak lower, Dear Dick.) be moderate, my 
good, dear lad ! 

Bev, Oh, Sir Thomas, you ma^i^ bet eafy enough^ 
you are fafe and fecure, removM far from that precipice 
that has dafli'd me to pieces^ 

Sir Tfyo, Dear Dick, don't believe it will hurt you-: 
the critics, the real judges, will difcover in that ptcce 
iuch excellent talents ■■ 

Bev^ . No, Sir Thomas, no. I fhall neither flatter you 
normyfelf^ I have acquired a right to fpeak what J 
think. Your play, Sir is a wretched performance y and 
in this opinion all mankind are united. 

Sin TJio. May be not. 

Bevi. If your piece had been greatly received, I would 

have declared Sir Thomas. Lofty the author ^ if coldly, 

I would have own'd it myfelf ^ bat fuch difgraceful, 

.fuch contemptible. treatment !— -I.own the burden is. too 

heavy for me 5 fo, Sir, you mud. bear it youjfclf* 

Sir Tbo,. Me, dear Dick.! what, to become ridicu- 


jiB SI. nut PATKON» 58^ 

»ldus in the decline of my life ; to deftroy, in ose hour, 
the fame that forty years has been building ! that was 
the jprop, the fupport of my age i Can you be cruel 
enough to defire it ? . 

J3ev. Zounds, Sir ! and why muft I be your crutch ? 
"Would you have me become a voluntary vidim ? No, 
Sir, this caufe does not merit a martyrdom. 

Sir Tifo, I own myfelf greatly oblig'd v but pcrfeverc, 
dear Dick, jierfevere j you have time to recover yo«r 
fame^' I beg it with tears in mj eyes. Another play 
vyil l I ■ 

Bev. No, Sir Thomas ^ I have done with the flage : 
tbe mufes and I meet no more. 

Sir Tho, Nay, there are various roads open in life« 

Bev, Not one where your piece won't purfue me \ If 
]^ go to the bar, the ghoil of this curft comedy will fol- 
low, and hunt me in Weftminfter-hall. Nay, , when P 
die, it will (lick to my memory, and I (hall be handed 
down to , poilerity with the author pf Love in a Hoilofu} 

■ Sir TAq*. Then marry :. You arc a pretty (mart fi- 
l^ure : and your poetical talents— 

Pev. And what fair would admit of my fuit, or fa« 
vaily wifti to receive me ? Make the cafe your own, Sir 
Thomas j would you ? 

Sir Tbo, With infinite pleafuse. 

Bev* Then giye me your niece \ her hands (hall feal 
up my lips. 

,Sir Tho, What, Juliet ? Willingly-. But are you fe- 
xious ? Do you really, admire the girl? 

Bev, Beyond what words, can exprefs. It was by her 
advice I confented to. father your play. 

Sir Tho. "What, is Juliet apprized ? Here, Robin, 
John, run and call my. niece hither this moment. That- 
giddy baggage will blab all in an inftant. 

Bev, You are midaken y (he is wifer than you are 
aware of. 

Enter \vXiet. 

Sir Tbo. Gh, Juliet ! you know what has happenM ?^ 

Jul. I do, Sir. 

Sir Tbo, Have you reveaPd this unfortunate fecret ? 

JuL To no mortal, Sir Thomas. 

Sir ?%}.'Come, give me your band. Mr. Bever, cbildt 
for Biy fake, has renoanccd the ftage, and.the whole it- 
public of letters \ in return, I owe him your hand. 

'juL My hand ! what, to a poet hooted, hiffed, and 
exploded 1 You muft pardon me, Sir. 

Sir Tb<h JuHet, a trifle 1 The moft they can fay of him 
is, that he is a little wanting in wit ^ and he has fo many 
broth er-wi iters to keep him in countenance, that now* 
a-days that is no rcfle£lion at alL 

JuL Then, Sir, your engagement to Mr. Rufl^.. 
Sir Tho, I have found out the rafcal : he has been 
more impertinently fevere on my play than all the reft 
put together ) fo that I am determined he (hall be none 
of the man. 

Eater Ruft. 
Ri/fi, Are you fo, Sir ? what, then, I am to be fa» 
crific'd, in order to pre&rve the fecret that you ar a 
blockhead : but you are out in your politics ; beforr 
sight it (hall be known in all the coffee-houfes in town. 
Sir Tbo. For heaven's fake, Mr. Ruft ! 
Ri{fi^ And to>morrow I will paragraph you in every 
newfpapcr ^ you (hall no longer impofe on the world t 
I will unmaik you ; the lion's ikin (hall hide yoa no 

Sir Tifo. Juliet ! Mr. Bever \ what can I do ? ^ 
- Bev, Sir Thomas, let me manage this matter.— Har- 
kee, old gentleman, a word in your ear ^ you remember 
what you have in your pocket ? 
lUi/i. Hey ! how ! vrhat ! 

Bev, The cuiiofity that has coft you fomuch pains, 
Ri^, What, my ^neas! my precious relift o£Troy !' 
Bffv. You muft give up that or the lady.^ 
Jul. How, Mr, Bever ^ 
Bev. Never fear ^ I am fure of my man^. 
Rufl. Let me conlider. As to the girl, girls are 
f>leoty enough 5 I can marry when I will: But my 
ipaper, my phoenix, that fprings fre(h from the flames^. 
^hat can never be matchM — Take her. 

Bev* And as yoa love your own fecret, be^careful of 

' :S^* I am dumb. 
«&r Th(u Now, TttUet. 



^/. You join me, Sir, to an unfortunate bard y but, 
to procure your peace 

Sir no. You oblige me for ever. Now, the fecret 
dies with us four. My fault. I owe him much. 
Be it your care to ihew it } 

Ad4 blefs the man though I have damnM the poet. 


O R. 


Spoken by Mr. WARU, 


At the Theatab-Rotal, Edinburgh, 1783* 

Ye focial friends of claret and of wit. 

Where'er difpers'd in merry groups ye fit j 

Whether below ye gild the glittering fcene. 

Or in the upper regions oft have been y 

Ye bucks aifembled at your Ranger's call. 

Damme, I know ye— and have at ye all ! 

The motive here (hat fets our bucks on fire« 

The generous wiih, the firft and laft defire > 

If you will plaud its echo to renown, 

Or, urgM with fury, tear the benches down : 

^Tis flill the fame-^to one bright goal we hade. 

To (hew your judgment and approve your tafle* 

^Tis not in nature for ye to be quiet : 

No, demme, bucks exift but in a riot. 

For inftance now-^o pleafe the ear and charm th' ad% 

miring crowd, 
Your bucks o' the boxes fneer and talk aloud : 
To the green box next with joyous (peed you run, 
Hilly-ho ! he ! my bucks ! wtU, damn it; what's the fun> 


59^ fi!7CK5 HAVE AT TE ALL. 

Though Shakefpeare fpeaks— ---regardlefs of the plsr^y 
Ye laugh and loll the fprightlj hours away : 
For to feeiQ feniible of real merit, 
O, damme, Uis low, his vulgar — beneath us lads of ^irlt. 
Your bucks o^ the pirare miracles of learning, 
Who point out faults to (hew their own diiceraiag ^ 
And, critic-like, beftriding martyrM fenfe, 
Proclaim their genius and vail cobfequence. 
The fidelong row, whofe keener views of blifs 
Are chiefly center^ in a favourite mifs 5 
A fet of jovial bucks who here refort, 
FlufhM from the tavern, reeling, ripe for {port, 
WakM*from their dream, oft join the general roar. 
With bravo, bravo — ^braviffimo, eh damme, encore ! 
Or, Skipping that, behold another row, 
, Supply M by citizens or fmiling beau ^ * 

Addreding Mifs, whofe cardinal protedion 
Keeps her quite fafefrom rancorous^ detradion ^ 
Whofe lively eyes beneatk « down-drawn hat» 
Gives hint <he loves a little, ■ y ou know what* 
Ye bucks above, who range like gods at large- 
Nay, pray, don't grin, but liflen to your charge--- 
You who defign to change this icene of raillery^ 
And out-talk players in the upper gallery ^ 
Oh I there's a youth, and one of the iprightly fort— 
I don't mean you ■ damme, you've no features for't-^ 
Who flily fkulks to hidden ftation 
^ While players follow their vocation) 
Whittle off, off, off ! Nofee roatt-beef-— there's education-. 

Now I've explored this mimic wotld quite through, 
And fet each country's little faults to view : ff^ 

In the right fenfe receive the well meant jeft. 
And keep the moral ttiil within your breaft ^ 
Convinced I'd not in heart or tongue offenfl, 
Your hands acquit me, and Pve gain'd my fad« 





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