Amherst life. Selections from the undergraduate publications at Amherst college

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AMHERST LIFE.

AMHERST LIFE

Selections from the
undergraduate pub-
lications at Arn-
herst College : : :
Edited by Walter
Savage Ball : : :
Illustrated by W'.ll-
iam Cary Duncan

Published by

WILLIAM CARPENTER HOWLAND

Amherst, mdcccxcvi.

Copyright, 1896,

BY

WILLIAM CARPENTER ROWLAND.

PREFACE.

The selections that make up this book
have been chosen from the various publica-
tions of the college in an endeavor to pre-
sent, as faithfully as may be, a picture of
the real student life at Amherst; life being
best defined by the sophomore as "What
we talk about after dinner." In order to
accomplish this, mere literary excellence
has not been sought for, since this is but
one result of a single phase of college life.
Undergraduates will care more to remem-
ber what they talked about than how their
classmates wrote ; while those who have
already passed commencement day and the
parchment "rite" will at best think of
little merit the cleverness of undergraduate
style, but care much to feel again the stu-
dent abandon, which once enabled them to
poke fun at the most sacred of their institu-
tions or to moralize happily on the gravest
questions of their college life.

Of the three college publications, "The

VI PREFACE.

Olio " contains by far the most of the typi-
cal student spirit. In the more dignified
publications the college writer too often
leaves the rich and attractive field of under-
graduate experiences to attempt the por-
trayal of scenes less familiar to himself and
less interesting to his readers. ** The Olio "
is at present almost the only place where the
familiar scenes of Amherst are dealt with.
Its position as the annual jest-book of the
college gives it a freedom of thought and
expression which, while they would often
be entirely out of place in either of the
other publications, nevertheless present
student ideas on the faculty, the town,
college customs and institutions, as found
nowhere else save in the student's private
den, amid clouds of laugh-tossed smoke.
These are the things that are remembered
in after years, and these are the things the
present book endeavors to preserve.

Several sketches which give expression
to the free views and critical observation
that characterize the student in his dealings
with his immediate surroundings have been
taken from the recent numbers of the
** Amherst Literary Monthly." A few of
the best stories that have appeared in the

PREFACE. VU

same magazine, describing Amherst scenes
and illustrating the special features of Am-
herst life, are included.

The aim has been to make this distinct-
ively an Amherst book. In accordance
with this aim, a department has been given
to articles on the Amherst senate, whose
rise was viewed with so much interest by
the colleges of the country and whose fall
was mourned by the many friends of
Amherst. Here will be found a letter
written by an alumnus to the Amherst
Student, at the time when the senate ques-
tion was in special debate. In the same
department are placed the undergraduate
ideas on compulsory church and chapel.
The lightly expressed sentiments of the
student often convey in the directest man-
ner his more earnest and thoughtful
opinions on such questions as these. A
book on Amherst life would also be incom-
plete to alumni, present and future, without
some memories of the faculty, for many of
the student's best ideas come in connection
with the professor himself, rather than the
professor's teaching, where they of course
belong.

Aside from classing the selections under

VIU PREFACE.

the few very general topics the order of
arrangement has been left pretty much to
itself, thus illustrating the apparent irrel-
evancy of the experiences and thoughts of
him who has been called "the man with a
purpose alterable only by a dispensation of
Providence or a joke on his superiors":
the college undergraduate.

The selections in this book have been
taken from the following sources:

From the Eighty-five Olio: " The Mark-
ing System," "Amherst Fire Department."

From the Eighty-six Olio: **A Short
History of Amherst College."

From the Eighty-seven Olio: "Am-
herst Miscellany."

From the Eighty-eight Olio: "History
of the Senate," "The Annual Picture Rush,"

From the Eighty-nine Olio: "Dedication
to the Senate."

From the Ninety-one Olio: "The Old
Dormitories," " Ubi Sunt, O Pocula!'"

From the Ninety-two Olio : " Extracts
from the Catalogue," ,** To Julius Hawley
Seelye," " Rime of the Ancient Derwall,"
"Compulsory Chapel Attendance."

From the Ninety-three Olio: "Chimes
from the Dumb Bells," "The Convents."

From the Ninety-four Olio : "The Pui--
ple and White," "To Richie," "A Matin
Idyl," " To the Pharisee."

X AMHERST LIFE.

From the Ninety-five Olio: "To Good
Old Doc," ''Four Lives," ''The Snake
Editor's Dream," "To the Trustees," "In
Amherst Town," "Ye Jolly Junior,"
"Satires of Amherst," "A General Esti-
mate."

From the Ninety-six Olio: "To Profes-
sor Garman," "A Reverie from Rhetoric,"
"The Convent Girl," "The Plugger,"
"The Maiden and Her Friend," "Over
the Notch," "A Meditative Student,"
"Old Derwall on Memory."

From the Ninety-seven Olio: "The
Ex-Smoker's Lament," " As to College
Hall," "A. P. A.," "To the Head of the
German Department."

From the Literary Monthly: "The
Sport's Off Day," " Ministering Angels,"
**A Dimpled Platonist," "A Political
Deal," " Sawyer's Holiday," "Two Verses."

From the Student: "A Light Verse
Doxology," "A New 'In Loco Parentis'
Idea," "A Bit of Correspondence."

CONTENTS.

PA6B

The College.

A Short History of Amherst College . i

Extracts from the Catalogue, . . 9

A. P. A., 12

As to College Hall 16

The Old Dormitories (1890), ... 18

To the Trustees, .... 20

Faculty and Courses.

To Julius Hawley Seelye, ... 25

Two Verses, 26

A General Estimate, .... 27

To " Good Old Doc," .... 28

Professor Garman, 29

To the Head of the German Depart-
ment, 30

Our Marking System, . . . -31

Chimes from the Dumb-bells, . . 32

The Rime of the Ancient Derwall, . 34

Old Derwall on Memory, ... 37

The Senate and Compulsory Church.

Compulsory Chapel Attendance, . . 43

A Light Verse Doxolog^, ... 45

Satires of Amherst, .... 46

The Snake Editor's Dream, . . 49

Xll

CONTENTS.

History of the Senate to 1887,
A Bit of Correspondence,
A New " In Loco Parentis " Idea,
Dedication of the '89 Olio,
The Maiden and Her Friend,

Amherst Types and Scenes.

A Matin Idyl, ....

Ubi Sunt, O Pocula !

The Annual Picture Rush,

The Plugger,

Ministering Angels,

To the Pharisee,

The Amherst Fire Department,

A Meditative Student,

The Sport's Off-day, .

Before the Free Delivery,

The Convents

Amherst Reveries.
In Amherst Town,

Four Lives,

Reverie from Rhetoric,
Amherst Miscellany,
The Ex-Smoker's Lament,
To the Convent Girl, .
Over the Notch,
Ye JoUie Junior, ....

Amherst Stories.

A Dimpled Platonist,
A Political Deal,
Sawyer's Holiday, ...

PAGE

54
56
61
61
62

67
68
69
73

74
77
78
83

87

93
94
96

97

98

100

lOI

102

105
119
129

THE PURPLE AND WHITE,

Old Amherst, our loved Alma Mater,

Enthroned on thy beautiful hill,
Thou fountain from whence purest water y

In clear limpid streams does distill;
Thy symbols, the book and the sun.

Shall together the far lands enlight.
All hail to thy glorious colors !

Three cheers for the purple and white !

Fond memories of thee shall e'er linger.

Enshrined in each son's loyal heart.
Thy precepts shall be as a finger.

Directing our course on life's chart.
Thy name shall sound forth as our watchword,

Leading into the thick of the fight.
As we press ever onward and upward.

Proudly wearing the purple and white.

Rich purple, the old regal color.

The badge noiv of thy royalty —
May its bright luster never grow duller —

Ever strong as our own loyalty.
Together, with its fair companion.

So pure, unspotted, and bright,
May it ever wave gloriously o'er us.

Three cheers for the purple and white !

THE COLLEGE.

AMHERST LIFE.

A SHORT HISTORY OF AMHERST
COLLEGE.

TO 1885.

( The writer of this history desires to express
his obligations to Professor W. S. Tyler, from
whose excellent history of Amherst College he
has derived much information ; and also to
Professor Genung and Lord Macaulay^ whose
styles he has tried to follow. )

The want of a college in the Connecticut
valley seems to have been felt previous to
the Revolution, probably wanted by the
starving storekeepers, and as there was
a mother in Amherst for the college, it was
established here some time after the want
was felt.

The great natural beauty of the place
had, perhaps, something to do with the

4 AMHERST LIFE.

college being located in Amherst, On the
east was Pelham, a great and flourishing
metropolis, as large, if not larger, then
than now, and there were the ** Pelham
daisies." The country about the north
raised grapes and watermelons in abund-
ance, and this could teach the students to
look out for themselves. On the south
there was a river, and that is all there is
there now. On the west was Old Hadley,
the Connecticut river, and Northampton.
Students of the present day wonder what
Hamp could have been in those days.
Where were Smith and Miss Burnham's,
and what would Hamp be without them ?
You can borrow a dollar there now.

But we were speaking of the founding of
the college. There had been an effort to
unite the mother to Williams, which was then
a much larger and more flourishing college
than it is now, but this finally fell through,
as the Williams men wanted the earth.
They don't now. But finally things came
to a focus, and with the help of a Williams
brother (how much we owe to Williams —
they now teach us to play baseball !) and
some masons the corner stone was laid
August 9, 1820. We have tried to find it,

THE COLLEGE. %

but could not. It has probably gone to
find the Starr Grove mines — another Am-
herst industry.

The college started in 182 1, with Zepha-
niah Swift Moore of Williams (Williams
again) as president. We will here remark
that Williams seems to be as much the
mother of Amherst College, as the Amherst
Academy, and we are compelled in acknowl-
edging the relationship to quote from Hor-
ace : O matre pulchra filia pulchrior.

The college was first called, and was, per-
haps, a charity institution. We merely
make this allusion to show how things
change. No one would call it a charity
institution now. There is no charity shown
to students, or there would be no afternoon
service on Sundays, and the editors of this
publication would receive good scholarships,
but we may get them yet.

The term bills were $10 and $11, and
the students received as much instruc-
tion as we do now for $50, but they could
not attend prayers and church as often.
So we pay $88 per year for religious ser-
vices— but we get our money's worth.

Board was from $1 to $1.25 per week,
and with the faculty grapes and Sunderland

6 AMHERST LIFE.

watermelons, the students probably had
enough to eat.

From its foundation up to February 21,
1825, the college got along without a char-
ter, but on that date one was granted, and
Amherst became one of the chartered col-
leges of the land. How many of the faculty
and students have ever seen this charter ?

In August, 1830, a great event occurred,
namely, the founding of the Antivenenean
society. The members swore off on about
everything except watermelons and chapel,
and the society was, and is now, one of the
most popular in college. There have also
been missionary bands in the college. The
early bands converted the heathen in Pel-
ham and Hadley, and the one now in col-
lege is trying to convert the members
themselves.

The college has received in all but $52,-
500 from the state, not a third of what a
small college at Williamstown, or not a
tithe of what Harvard has received, but has
always looked out and cared for herself.

The college has funds amounting to
$595,000 (or had some years ago; it is
probably larger now). The value of the
buildings, funds, etc., is over a million

THE COLLEGE. 7

dollars, and yet we are burdened twice a
year by a note reading as follows :

Amherst College,

Mr ,

Dear Sir :

The first (or second) installment of your
term bill is still unpaid. Please give it
your prompt attention.

Yours truly,

W. A. Dickinson,

Treasurer.

Comment is unnecessary.

As tall oaks from little acorns grow, our
college has grown so that now its branches
cover many lands, while its roots derive
nourishment from every country and every
clime. Amherst has brave men in foreign
lands working for the gospel of Christ.
She has given lawmakers to our country,
and has sent forth some of the greatest
preachers of modern times. She has never
given a president of the United States, or a
pickpocket, but many of us are young yet.

All old and young graduates love Am-
herst, and when we go forth to our labors,
among the happiest of our memories will

8 AMHERST LIFE.

be the days of our college life. When far
away we can see as though in a dream, the
rushes, rope-pulls, and rackets; the cutting,
cribbing, and convents; the ball games and
athletics; and we can also hear the college
yell, and can almost see, rising and floating
above all, the purple and white of old Am-
herst.

So while we sit and muse these words will
come to us:

" And eastward still, upon the last green step,
From which the angel of the morning light
Leaps to the meadow lands, fair Amherst sat,
Capped by her many- windowed colleges."

And, while in the midst of these recollec-
tions we are

' ' Kind o' smily round the lips.
And teary round the lashes,"

we will say down deep in our hearts: '* God
bless and keep old Amherst ! "

THE COLLEGE.

EXTRACTS FROM THE CATA-
LOGUE.

ADMINISTRATION.

The following are the principles of ad-
ministration observed :

(i.) Work is assigned the student with
careful reference to his capacity. This is
especially true in the section of modern
languages; this section points with pride to
the fact that out of 976 students who have
taken German or Italian 6^^ years, only J^
per cent, have died from tfrain fever, and
in his case it was sunstroke.

(2.) The student should make the utmost
improvement of his time and talents in
regularly and diligently doing what the
athletic association assigns him.

(3.) No student should be continued in a
class for which he is unfit; no man who
cannot horse accurately and fluently need
apply for any monitorship.

(4.) Every student is expected to cut one-
tenth of all his recitations, or his case will
come up before the senate.

(5.) Regularity of attendance on the

lO AMHERST LIFE.

religious services is required, but close
attention is purely optional. The section
of English literature will on application
.furnish lists of good books for use in con-
nection with these services.

THE PORTER ADMISSION PRIZE.

Any freshman who takes this prize is
expected to loaf, get fired out of Pott's, and
suffer from swelled head,

MATHEMATICS.

The instruction during freshman year is
devoted to geometry, algebra, and trigonom-
etry. In addition, the advanced division
during the spring term pursues a course of
surveying under the auspices of the athletic
association.

HYGIENE.

The freshmen are first instructed in the
use of the various parts of the student body,
and this is followed by laboratory work in
the gymnasium. In the spring term a
slight amount of study in human physi-
ology is allowed, supplemented by many
anatomical preparations and amusing illus-
trations. All students are required to take
this course, and very few ever regret it.

THE COLLEGE. II

EXPENSES.

Term bills $i lo.oo

Room rent 2.00

Fuel (in dormitories) and lights. . . 45.00

Board (Merrick's) i3-5o

Doctor's bills (Merrick's) 60.00

Total $230. 50

A higher rent is charged for some of the
best rooms in the dormitories and in town.
Expenses vary according to the character
and luxurious habits of the students. They
can be materially reduced by borrowing
kerosene and stealing coal.

HALLOCK PARK.

This is an original forest of six acres, to
which the attention of the sporting fra-
ternity is now directed. It is well stocked
with canaries and other game birds. Some
of the trees have been measured with a
theodolite, and they are 30 feet 6)^ inches
high. Only a little underbrush has been
left; a wagon road for the use of heavy
teams passes through it, and lovers of the
beautiful are allowed without extra charge
to watch the trains on the Central Massa-
chusetts get stuck in the cut, or gaze at the

12 AMHERST LIFE.

fences on the other side of the cut or
around Blake field. The park is very-
near Pratt field, and can be easily reached
from there by way of Pelham. Students
generally frequent this lovely spot in
moments of leisure, or for the enjoyment
of its facilities for quiet study.

A. P. A.

AMHERST PICKPOCKET ASSOCIATION.
FOUNDED IN 1821.

Object — By a closer fraternal union of the
members to promote their mutual interests.

History — Started by the townspeople in
182 1, it has been virtually under their con-
trol ever since. All are members, from the
young imp old enough to run errands, to
the venerable retired minister of the gospel,
who, all aglow with kindliness and benevo-
lence, labors to convince the anxious parent
of the immense advantage that his son will
receive in having a gray-haired guardian and
adviser who can guide the inexperienced
youth safely through (?) the many snares

THE COLLEGE. 1 3

and pitfalls of college life, particularly of
freshman year.

The proceedings of the Association have
always been characterized by the greatest
unanimity and singleness of aim, and until
recently no signs of internal dissension
have been perceived.

The first meeting of the year was held
early in the opening week of fall term, and
at first promised to be no more eventful
than usual. After initiating the latest addi-
tions to the faculty, and granting the degree
of E. P. (Eminent Purloiner) to two tutors
for their zealous work in behalf of the asso-
ciation in their respective departments, the
society proceeded to business. The report
of the committee appointed at the last
meeting to procure designs for badges was
called for, and after much discussion a bit
of sponge tied to the buttonhole with a
gilt ribbon was adopted, as being most ap-
propriate. The salute was also changed.
Formerly it had been given by laying the
forefinger of the right hand along the nose,
and winking with the left eye. Now it was
to be made by placing the hand with three
fingers extended, upon the right breast
pocket of the coat, that being the pocket

14 AMHERST LIFE.

where the members supposedly carried
their pocketbooks. Tip objected on the
ground that he carried his in his hat, and a
special exception was made in his case.

Next, secretary Swamp read his annual
report. He said that the society was not
as strong in some points as it should be,
and care should be taken not to kill the
goose that was laying the golden ^%%. The
** co-op " store showed a falling off in its re-
turns. The lecture course had kicked the
bucket. The new "lab" with its unright-
eous fees, was a winning card, but in order
to silence the murmurs of the victims, the
association had been obliged to give up
vespers, and it looked now, as if compul —
er — institutional worship would have to go
too. At this. Spear's representative arose
and objected so strenuously on the ground
that it would ruin the trade in novels, that
the idea was abandoned at once. Then
Swampy suggested that *'gym" drill be sac-
rificed, but at that Old Doc leaped to his
feet. It wouldn't do. The Hitchcock and
Blodgett syndicate had been by far the
most productive scheme yet put in practice,
and he wasn't going to see it pinched, not
by a good deal. It was bad enough as it

THE COLLEGE. 15

was. There had long been a demand for
sweaters in place of the useless blue bags
that Blodgett furnished as coats, and now
Ninety-seven had gone and worn tennis
trousers at the Lincoln exhibition. Prexy
here rapped for order, and suggested that
they let the matter rest until he had thrown
out a few more sops from the chapel pulpit.
He could tickle the boys a little on athlet-
ics, scholarship, good-behavior, and so on.
They could even bring up the senate matter
again. It wouldn't do any harm to talk
about it, and it might pacify the victims for
a while. He guessed that with a little oil
things would move on pretty smoothly.

The advisability of establishing branch
associations at Hamp and Springfield was
next discussed, but it was finally decided to
be unnecessary.

The meeting was then adjourned, and
the members repaired to Brother Deuel's,

where they partook of on the new

initiates.

l6 AMHERST LIFE.

AS TO COLLEGE HALL.

There has been considerable discussion
of late among archaeologists in regard to
the origin and identity of college hall. Pro-
fessor Sterret had at one time actually
made up his mind to discover in it the sites
of Lystra and Derbe, but wisely changed
his mind at the last moment, 3«d chose the
far East instead, on account of its more
healthful climate.

The Noah's ark theory is another popu-
lar fancy in relation to our relic of pre-
historic architecture situated next the
library. Professor Elwell says that "the
building corresponds most decidedly with
the recollections which he has of that his-
toric craft." The fact that good, respect-
able doves can be induced to take up their
abode in the ramshackle tower, points
strongly to some deep-seated cause for
their affection other than any passing fancy.
The professor even claims that he has seen
the swift birds winging their way toward
the tower with olive branches in their
mouths, but on closer questioning it was

THE COLLEGE. 17

found to have occurred in the nesting sea-
son, and the so-called olive branches were
proven to be straws from a stable-yard.
Professor Frink claims that the west end of
the building, at least, is a part of the
original garden of Eden, for he says it
always seems like paradise to him. His
proteges, on the other hand, are unanimous
in the opinion that it is the famous "Black
Hole of Calcutta," renovated and restored,
but possessing, nevertheless, many of the
features of the original.

Trembling undergraduates at examina-
tion time have hinted that it was the well-
known "lion's den" of Bible story, and
between chattering teeth have sung "Dare
to be a Daniel," as they entered its awful
portals.

The Amherst G. A. R., with character-
istic originality, positively asserted that it
was Libby Prison, until Libby Prisons be-
came as common at all large expositions as
pieces of the true cross in Old World mon-
asteries; and the idea was abandoned as
too commonplace.

A dispute then arose on the question of
choice between the battleship Merrimac
and the house where Lee surrendered, a

l8 AMHERST LIFE.

compromise being finally effected and Fort
Sumter chosen as the lucky place. These
are but a few of the latest nineteenth-cen-
tury suggestions as to college hall. All
differ widely and all have some plausible
points. The Olio cannot and cares not to
discriminate. All it claims is that the old
wreck ought to be put under glass and
preserved for what it is — a relic; not forced
into unseemly use as a hall of learning.
People do not use Indian arrow heads for
cobble stones, nor the "true cross" to
train pea vines on. There is a propriety
which demands that college hall be laid on
the shelf or torn down.

THE OLD DORMITORIES (1890).

Among the many superior advantages
which our college affords, none are more
noteworthy than those which are offered by
a residence in one of our admirable dor-
mitories. The dormitory system is so
simple and so complete, that to mention it
in other terms than those of the highest

THE COLLEGE. 19

praise would be to betray a carping spirit
indeed. Perhaps the most elegant of them
all is that known as North Purgatory,
This building exhibits all of the Greek
simplicity, but abhors those ultra refine-
ments which, we are told, finally resulted in
the spinal curvature of Greek outlines in
general. Within are spacious rooms, which
are arranged with great economy of space,
being hampered by none of those obstruct-
ing angles and shelving roofs which abound
in buildings of the hybrid " Queen Anne "
order. The hall-ways are provided with
board floors, and there are three flights of
stairs for the convenience of the students.
Hardly less handsome and commodious,
and an almost equal favorite, is the dormi-
tory known as South Sheol. On the fourth
floor of this building are the favorite rooms,
looking out upon the tennis court and
that beautiful specimen of modern architec-
ture, the Appleton cabinet. The facilities
for exercise afforded by these apartments
are excellent, as coal may be carried from
the basement up the three flights of stairs
at the will of the student. The social
advantages secured by a life in these noble
dormitories are too well known to need
3

20 AMHERST LIFE.

enumeration here. Enough to say that
these advantages are unsurpassed by those
of any lunatic asylum in the country, and
that the character of their occupants is in
keeping with the incomparable tone of the
buildings themselves.

TO THE TRUSTEES,

Or whoever is responsible for the selec-
tion of the site of the new laboratory, we
tender our most hearty congratulations.
For inconvenience of access and general
unsightliness it certainly surpasses any
other location in town. It is difficult to
imagine what deterred those controlling
the location of the building from placing it
on the Pelham hills. There it would have
been a landmark visible for miles in all
directions. All possibility of its being
regarded as a part of the gas works or hat
shops would thus have been avoided, and
as for convenience — well, that doesn't ap-
pear to cut any figure in the consideration.
It is to be hoped that Pete, Amherst's

THE COLLEGE. 21

only ticket speculator, or some other phil-
anthropic ''sharper," ever mindful of the
student's interests, will at once inaugu-
rate a stage line to run between the vari-
ous fraternity houses and our suburban
laboratory.

FACULTY AND COURSES.

TO JULIUS HAWLEY SEELYE.
(1891.)

In the twilight of life, when the husband-
man's labor is done,

Let him rest from the cares of the day, who
hath labored so well 'neath the sun.

For his service was honest and good since
his service began,

As becometh a worker in truth who is toil-
ing for God and for man.

In the autumn of life, when the husband-
man, weary and gray,

Findeth rest from his summer of toil, let
our honor his labor repay.

Let him rest as the husbandman rests, with
his loved and his own.

While he leaveth to others the fruit of the
seed that his spirit hath sown.

For the russet or gold of his harvest already
appears,

And the reapers are stalwart and young
who shall garner the wealth of his
years ;

as

26 AMHERST LIFE.

And their hands shall be willing and glad,

and their spirit be strong,
As they harvest the fruit of his toil, and

remember his worth in a song.

TWO VERSES.

IN MEMORIAM JULIUS H. SEELYE, 1895.

A BIRD sang sweet and loud, —

He kissed a little child:
A rainbow burst a cloud, —

He took a sinner's hand:
A fruit tree blossomed white, —

A death sting he beguiled:
A blind man found his sight, —

He made him understand.

He towered head and shoulders over aver-
age man,
A noble figure that yet blessed the land
it trod;
I said, he stands upright as only godlike can,
I said, his head is high because he talks
with God

FACULTY AND COURSES. 27

A GENERAL ESTIMATE.

EXTRACT FROM A PAMPHLET DISCOVERED
IN 4000 A. D.

And in a certain place named Massa-
chusetts there was founded, in 182 1, a col-
lege called Amherst. It has not yet been
ascertained whether the College derived its
name from the town in which it was situ-
ated, but beyond a doubt it was the most
noted of all similar institutions on account
of the quaint and peculiar body of men
which in those days was known as the
faculty. Many nice young men came to
this place in the fall, and stayed until the
following summer. It is supposed that
they came here to instruct the faculty con-
cerning the movements of the world outside
of Amherst. The so-called faculty were
not "up" in this particular branch. No
blame is attached to them, however, on this
account, because they had belonged to the
College for so long a time and had been
handed down from epoch to epoch, genera-
tion after generation, that the institution

28 AMHERST LIFE.

felt bound to hold them in restraint, lest
some more formidable body like Fore-
paugh's circus or Dartmouth College might
capture and make way with them.

TO ''GOOD OLD DOC." •

Our Good Old Doc's a man,
A man who needs no praise;

To whom be peace and honor,
Sound health and length of days.

With step that's firm and quick.
With accents sharp and true,

With way that's bright and cheery,
In truth — a man for you.

No student has a friend
Who'll aid near half as well.

Or last so long and faithful
As Doc, of whom we tell.

And when in after years
We all come back again,

We'll greet Doc then right royal
With voice and not with pen.

FACULTY AND COURSES. 29

For Good Old Doc's a man,
A man right through and through,

And though his locks are silver,
He's young as I — or you.

And so let honor rest

Upon that silver head,
And peace with gentle motion

Her golden wings outspread.

For Good Old Doc's a man,
A man right through and through,

And though his locks are silver,
He's young as I — or you.

PROFESSOR GARMAN.

A MAN whom Wisdom's children long
To know; and knowing come to trust;
And trusting learn to love. He strikes
The deepest, noblest chords within
Our hearts, and teaches us to know
Ourselves, our fellows, and our God.

3© AMHERST LIFE.

From Tips* biological lectures: "If I
should ever preach in the college church, —
if such a thing were conceivable, — I would
preach on the Sabbath ; and I don't know
as I should say very much about the Sab-
bath either. I would emphasize the other
part of the text : ' Six days shalt thou
labor.'"

TO THE HEAD OF THE GERMAN
DEPARTMENT.

If you're fond of racy stories,

If you want a spicy joke,
If you like to hear related

A pleasant anecdote ;
If your quest is for a teacher

Who will never be a bore,
Then hie you to the portals wide

Of Richie's class-room door.

If what you want is wisdom,
Well mixed with common sense,

If you wish to hear life's problems
Discussed with eloquence.

FACULTY AND COURSES. 3^

If you like a plain and earnest man,

Who's a man right through and through,

Then Richie is the proper one
To fill the bill for you.

OUR MARKING SYSTEM.

THE FACULTY SLIP.

Mr. X.—

Latin, ....

■ 3^

Greek, ....

3^

Mathematics,

. 4>^

3 1^

Actual mark, .

• 4

THE STUDENT SLIP.

Mr. X.—

Latin, ....

• 3

Greek,

3

Mathematics, .

• 4

3 I IP
Your mark for last term was . . 3
E. B. Marsh.

32 AMHERST LIFE.

CHIMES FROM THE DUMB-BELLS.

" Gentlemen! By — by my eternal birth-
right, if I see another one of you throw-
ing a dumb-bell across this floor, I will
hand him over to the captain for fifty cents
a dumb-bell. You may think that it's
smart, and funny, but it isn't. I know
you're young and green yet, and feel good
and like to frisk round and let yourselves
loose now and then like new-born calves,
but, gentlemen, I do draw the line some-
where. I don't very often say, 'you shall,*
and 'you sha'n't ! ' but there are some
things which must be held sacred even in
this gymnasium. You know they have a
day in the church calendar which they call
'All Saints' Day'; now I think that you're
like the church. You have the day, but I'd
like to name it 'All Devils' Day.' [Long
continued yells and stamping.] Gentlemen!
Gentlemen ! I command you to atten-
tion. [Silence after a while.] When my
father heard that I was to have charge of
the gymnasium, says he, 'Edward, my son,
you'll have to be pretty free with the boys

FACULTY AND COURSES. 33

and take care not to put too tight a restraint
upon them,' and I've found out that it's so.
It's always best to be obliging to you young
men, but I'll have you to understand that
my powers of endurance have a limit. I
can dismiss the class; I never had to do
such a thing before, but if I see any more
such monkey-shines as you've indulged in
this morning, I vow I'll do it."

•'All right, I believe, Mr. Captain."
N. B. — We might remark that after this
speech an event happened which had never
taken place before in the history of Amherst
college. "Old Doc," actually forgot to
say, "Gentlemen, the men marked absent
are," etc.

RiCHiE^s jokes are pungent quite.
Sometimes, mayhap, rather trite;
Richie is a " merry wight,"
And his marks are out of sight.

Student (making out report in the
Physics Laboratory) — Well, hang it, what
was the object of this experiment, anyhow ?

Voice (from a fellow slave) — To get back
your $3 lab. fee.

34 AMHERST LIFE.

Richie has some pretty good ideas in
his head. His latest, as expressed to his
class, is —

''Work like thunder.
Play like thunder.
Rest like thunder.
Yes, by thunder ! "

THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT
DERWALL.

I.

Somewhat back from the college street
Stands the "lab." Oh, sweet retreat !
Around its antique, weather-beaten door
The spirits of tortured sophomores loudly

roar,
And from his station in the room
The ancient Derwall says to all who come,
"Five dollars more for Ned, for Ned;
Five dollars more for Ned ! "

Leaning halfway over the counter he stands.
And points and beckons with his hands.

FACULTY AND COURSES. 35

Still he utters this solemn croak
(While the sophomore, under his cloak,
Pities himself and sighs, alas !
I'd give a fiver to be elected to pass),
" You must not think, not think,
You must not think."

III.

By day his step is low and light,
But in the silent dead of night,
Distinct his passing footsteps fall;
They echo along the vacant hall —
Along the ceiling, along the floor
As he pauses at the bottle of H^SO^,

"Your process will stick 'em, will stick
'em;
Your process will stick 'em."

IV.

Through days of grind and days of mirth,
Through days of cuts and days of dearth,
Through every swift vicissitude
Of changeful time, unchanged he's stood.
And as if, forever, he all things saw.
He quietly sends these words of awe:
** Your mark is below two, 'low two;
Your mark is below two."
4

36 AMHERST LIFE.

V.

Within that "lab " in festive glee,
Sports a tutor from the faculty.
Wild spirits round the laboratory roared,
While the "Faculty" counted their hoard.
But like the skeleton at the feast,
That warning Derwall never ceased,
"Twenty-five I've stuck, I've stuck;
Twenty-five I've stuck."

VI.

There groups of merry seniors played,
There fresh and juniors carefully strayed,
Oh, precious hours! Oh, golden prime !
Sufficiency of money, " supe," and time.
E'en as a miser counts his gold.
These hours the young Doc carefully told.
"You'll pass very soon, very soon;
You'll pass very soon."

VII.

We will all be scattered soon, and fled;
Some in prison, some still under Ned.
When found, to freshmen we give this

advice.
If you want a "gut," a "snap," something

nice.

FACULTY AND COURSES. 37

Elect '* Derwall " ; but as they hurry

swiftly by,
The ghosts of former classes make reply :
" Yes; but not now, not now;
Yes, but not now."

Visitor (passing Walker hall, 2 p. m.) —
What is this noise I hear at the left ? The
boys cheering down at the football field ?

Student. — Oh, no ! That's the German
division laughing at one of Richie's jokes.

OLD DERWALL ON MEMORY.

Now, gentl'mun, er — right here, now, I'll
r — make a few remarks, yer know, on —
er — on-er-r-r — mem'ry, yer know. Mem'ry
is a valuable thing if we — er — ta-ta — if er —
yer hev it, yer know, and don't fergit !
Now, you learn a lot o' things about this
and that and th' other, and you keep 'em
'bout a day, yer know, and — er-r-r-r-um-
er-r-um-eh ! eh ! eh ! and then, yer know
(here Derwall gets warmed up), and then —

38 AMHERST LIFE.

a-a-a — yer fergit all-1-1 'bout um; yes, all
'bout um. Well now, gentl'mun, thet's not
the right way; mem'ry is ter remember
things by, yer know — a-and if — a — mm — a
yer fergit all you ever learn, yer'll never
know much. You must learn, gentl'mun,
to 'sociate one thing with another and — a-
a-mm-a-ta-a-ta-a — m-make an impression
on your mind, y' know, then you wunt
fergit.

Now, fer example, s'posin' two of you
fellers — er — were ridin' out in a kerrige,
well — er-a-er — say — ter — ter Hamp ! Yer
— a-talkin' 'bout this thing and that — and —
a-a lot of other nonsense, yer know !
Don't make much diff'rence, y' know, and
yer don't care whether it's raining up er
down ! Well now, yer know, 'sposin' yer
git outer the railroad crossin' between here
and Ha-adley, a — mm-a-er — and — er-r-r —
yer know, while yer a talkin' and a foolin',
ye' know, the car comes down the track-a,
and cleans yer horse right out from in front
of yer, what then ! Do yer fergit that
right off? N-o-o, sir ! a-a-nd if yer come
back to — a — yer A-a-lma Mater fifty years
afterward, yer know, and ride over to
Hamp, yer'll remember it just s'f 'twas

FACULTY AND COURSES. 39

yisterday. A-a-and — er — yer know, it's
because it made an impression on yer, and
yer 'sociated every part of that ride — a — ta
— a — on the a-accident, y' know. Well,
now, gentl'mun, it's exactly the same way in
chemistry, yer know, this — a-mm-a 'socia-
tion of ideas and-a this making an impres-
sion on yer minds.

Now-a, can someone tell me quick — a-
mm-a-a — what's — a — the result if you pour
water on — a phosph'rus (???) quick ! ! (And
the recitation goes on as before.)

THE SENATE AND COMPULSORY
CHURCH.

COMPULSORY CHAPEL ATTEND-
ANCE.

The tired Amherst student who recol-
lects the crusade in which The Student
embarked a year or two ago, may, when he
reaches this page of the "Olio," turn two
leaves at once and say " Rats ! " The
remark would apply with much force, no
doubt, and especially to the thing itself.
The unvarying grind to which we become
so accustomed; scuttling up the hill, a
complaining beefsteak within; the race on
the stairs as the clock begins to strike; the
well-worn hymn; the same old prayer; the
monitors stretching their necks for the
absent, and the sneaking student who hides
his Potts or psych behind his neighbor's
back. They are all too familiar visions.

But the most familiar and significant
thing of all, as we review our short term of
college life, is the vivid emptiness of the
faculty seats. Day after day these leaders
of the blind present a noble array of five

44 AMHERST LIFE.

good men and true, in representation of a
total thirty ! Day after day the farce is
repeated; the morally stimulating lacteal
nutriment is doled out to four hundred
students who must swallow it, while a mere
committee of the faculty attend to see the
dose administered. The only variety is an
occasional communication from the ath-
letic moguls, said communication being
limited to five minutes in length, a " Library
Talk," unlimited, or the perennial dog with
the handkerchief on his tail.

The attitude of our faculty on the subject
is a fine illustration of the good old sopho-
more debate question : "Is the hope of
reward a greater incentive to activity than
the fear of punishment?" Indeed, we
doubt that many, even of the most regular,
attendants on chapel exercise have any idea
to what extent the teachers, impelled to
be present only by the hope of laying
up treasure in heaven, cut the morning
prayers. . . The view which every unprej-
udiced man will take is, no doubt, this :
Our faculty look upon compulsory chapel
as a convenience, a means of gathering the
students together; a time for the reading of
prayer-meeting and recitation notices, and

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 45

possibly, to young men, a season of good
influence; they consider personal example
and attendance unnecessary; they come
when they choose, they stay away because
they may; and when we are free from the
burden of extra work on account of extra
absence, we will do the same.

A LIGHT VERSE DOXOLOGY.

Fiends around us,

Fiends below.
All intent on

Bringing woe ;
Fiends on this earth

Do their work.
At compulsa-

Tory church.
Fill the kicker's

Mind with sin,
So that hell can

Take him in.
Thus God's house is

Blindly run.
So the devil's

Work is done.

46 AMHERST LIFE.

SATIRES OF AMHERST.

BOOK I. — SATIRE I.

Awake, my Muse, get out thy sounding

lyre.
And strike the chords that in our hearts

inspire
The sense to know what's right and what is

wrong;
Tune up, O Muse, and let's begin the song.
The evils which beset our paths are few,
Can be endured, excepting one or two;
But ye, immortal gods, who drain the cup
Of nectar, and upon ambrosia sup,
These evils are the kind that make men

weep
And tear their hair and long for endless

sleep,
On Martinique's fair isle, where kindly rays
From glistening Sol the ripe bananas raise,
(Steady, my Muse, such puns are not

allowed;
Such low-born sporting frets your spirit

proud),
Within the cluster, tempting to the eye
The serpent /<?r de lance doth lurking lie;

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 47

His yellow coils by luscious fruit con-
cealed

Are in no way unto the eye revealed.

But there he waits, the dreadful fer de
lance.

And let some hungry passer-by by chance .

Reach forth his hand — a sudden hiss — a
cry —

A swiftly darting tongue — a gleaming
eye —

And 'neath the tree there lies the passer-
by.

"And why this story?" some of you may

say.
Give heed then while I tell you, if I may.
The ripe banana bunch doth represent
This seat of learning, where each year are

sent
To cull its choicest fruits, a band of

youth —
A chosen band — who search for higher

truth.
But Satan, like the hideous /(?r de lance,
Abideth here, and lurking waits his chance.
Religion here compulsory is made.
And thus the plot for Beelzebub is laid.
For worship to man's inner soul pertains;

48 AMHERST LIFE.

If made compulsory it nothing gains,
But loses all, and its own end defeats
When with imperatives man's soul it meets.
Love wells spontaneous from the human

heart,
And " must " and " shall " therein have not

a part.
But to return — this chosen band of

youth —
These earnest seekers after higher

truth-
Set out to church, some filled with notions

good,
And some coerced by fear of Swampy's

rod.
And here the devil plays a winning hand.
For, like the snake in Martinique's fair

land,
He fastens on the youths whose souls rebel
Against compulsory religion fell;
And some escape and some go do down

to — well ;
Our simile is ended; now we'll cease.
Go home, dear Muse, and rest and take thy

ease.

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 49

THE SNAKE EDITOR'S DREAM.

It was one warm spring day of sopho-
more year, one of those days which take a
man away from his lessons and carry him
back to the time when he was young and
sinless, and had yet to serve his time in
preparatory school and college. I was
leaning back in my chair with a half-smoked
cigarette in my teeth, and the blue coils of
smoke with their strange fantastic shapes
brought before my mind free and happy
boyhood days, where compulsory church
and Tip Ty were alike unknown, and where
the Westminster Shorter Catechism was
my only trial. Such thoughts were so hazy
and so indistinct that I rested my head
wearily against the wall and wept at the
changes which time had wrought.

As I leaned there in despair a film seemed
to come over my eyes, even such a film as
Paine's Celery Compound is guaranteed to
remove. The cigarette suddenly assumed
such colossal proportions that my cowed
and beaten spirit drew back in terror
against the wall. Then it began slowly to

50 AMHERST LIFE.

change. Little by little arms, legs, and
a tail appeared, and in a moment there
stood before me a nicotine representative
of the devil. At last the truth burst upon
me. I was dreaming ! For weeks and
months I had striven to dream. I had
eaten pickles and green fruit and washed
them down with the vilest of lager in the
vain hope that I might dream something
for the "Olio," but my toils had all been
in vain. I had even boarded at Merrick's
to accomplish my purpose, but it was of no
avail. And now, at last, when I had almost
given up the struggle, success had come.
I could scarcely conceal my joy. I felt
like grasping the specter by the hand and
thanking him for his welcome visit, when
he interrupted my joyful thoughts with
a solemn beckoning. Without uttering a
word I followed him. Soon we came to
the bank of a surging stream, where a for-
bidding-looking fisherman with dark hair
and beard was standing in his skiff ready
to ferry us across. When my companion
with the nicotine visage addressed him as
Mr. Charon, my heart leaped with joy.
Ha ! ha ! This was even better than I had
anticipated. I was going to visit the devil.

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 5^

I would get a chance to interview him; to
interview him for the "Olio"! In a short
time we landed on the other bank and a
mighty wind lifted us and bore us away.
In time this wind carried us against a dark
mountain, and before the wand of my
strange guide the sides of the mountain
opened and disclosed a wondrous country.

In silence I followed my companion, who
walked briskly up to a brazen gate, dropped
an obol in the slot, and a three-headed dog
came forth wagging his tail with a sicken-
ing irregular motion that showed an utter
lack of team work. Nimbly we sprang in.
I had hardly entered when I tripped over
the tail of an imp whom I afterward found
to be quarter-back on the All-Hell football
team. As I picked myself up and spit the
brimstone out of my mouth, I said in broken
tones to my companion: "Well, this /V hell."
"Of course," he replied; "you ought to
have known that from Cerby." Amid the
shrieks and groans of millions of people I
was borne away to meet " His Satanic Tail-
ship." "What have we here?" shouted
the devil. "A student, most respectful
joblots," humbly responded my guide. "A
student ! What does he want ? " asked the
5

52 AMHERST LIFE.

devil. "Is he dreaming ? " ** He is, Most
Potent Wearer of the Crooked Hoof,"
again replied my companion. "Ha! ha!
He dreams, does he ? Answer me, young
man, answer me truly, are you intending to
write up this dream for publication ? " For
a moment my courage forsook me. For a
moment I hovered between the right and
wrong, but only for a moment; then my train-
ing in swearing off cuts got in its fine work,
and I promptly answered "No." This satis-
fied the devil and he told me to step aside.
Hardly had I vacated my place when
Beelzebub, with the rest of the football
team, came in with a new corpse. As soon
as he had got within hearing distance,
Beelzebub shouted out at the top of his
voice: " A college professor ! " The devil
actually went wild. He wrapped his cloven
hoof around his neck three times in a long,
loving embrace. Then he jumped down
from his throne and began to prepare the
skillet. "Throw him in!" he yelled.
"Roast him! Extract his fourth root!
Cut off the cologarithm of his cosine !
Season him with Jebbs and Potts! Grab
his femur, Beelzy, and run down the Mid-
way with it. Ha ! ha ! ha ! This is fruit !

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 53

This is regular cantaloupe ! " His frenzy
was awful. Great beads of brimstone stood
upon his brow, and his tail described un-
plotable parabolic curves.

I hated to tarry in proximity to such a
demon, yet I disliked to leave without
securing my interview. As soon as the
devil had recovered from his first wild
paroxysms I plucked him by the sleeve.
** Say, Satan, old girl, do you believe in
compulsory church ? "

''Believe in it!" he howled. "Believe
in it! Why, young man, it's the only sys-
tem. Who wants to abolish it but cranks
and fools ? I'll have nothing left by and
by. They've done away with the fagot
and the stocks, and they've succeeded in
abolishing slavery, but I've got the saloon
and compulsory church left, and I defy
them to knock out either of them. Away
with this opponent of compulsory church !
Away with him,Cigaretto ! " My companion
grabbed me by the leg. His hand burned
like fire, and I awoke to find my cigarette
complacently burning a hole in my only
pair of trousers.

[Let no Joseph endeavor to interpret this
dream.]

54 AMHERST LIFE.

HISTORY OF THE SENATE TO 1887.

Since the days of the renowned Dr.
Thomas Arnold of Rugby^ student self-
government has been the Utopian dream of
college presidents, of whom none more than
President Seelye of Amherst saw the desir-
ability of the system, and none sooner than
he sought to put it into execution. About
five years ago this cherished idea took
definite form, when the body now known as
the "Amherst College Senate" was organ-
ized, upon the same general plan which
determines its existence to-day.

At first, the senate was of little or no
use. It being an experiment, the presi-
dent's policy was very conservative. He
gave it no defined powers; he reserved the
right to introduce all business; he retained
the power of absolute veto. But little
business was transacted. The usual pro-
ceedings were a speech from the President,
congratulating himself and the senators
that the present affairs of the college were
in such an excellent condition as to require
no legislation or adjudication, followed

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 55

by adjournment. When any business was
transacted, it was of such slight significance
that it never reached the ear of the student
body politic. The result of this tentative
policy of the president was to bring the sen-
ate into disrepute. If spoken of at all, it was
spoken of with a sneer or a j est. It was called
"a farce," or "a cat's paw of the faculty,"
or some similar contemptuous epithet.

After three years of such existence, a
sentiment was formed in college that the
senate was of no use to the students, how-
ever valuable it might be to the faculty and
the college president; that the senate must
do something, or do away with the pretense
of self-government.

In this crisis a constitution of defined
power was demanded of the president. He
was not disposed to grant it. He desired
the constitution to form like the English
constitution — by the precedence of its acts.
The senators preferred the United States
plan, thinking it better adapted to the cir-
cumstances. At length a constitution was
obtained. It did not embody all that the
senators desired, but it was, at least, a step
out of non-existence into existence. How-
ever few and limited the powers obtained,

$6 AMHERST LIFE.

they were at least defined, and not subject
to variance by circumstance and arbitrary
will. The senate revived, became a much
more respected body, and entered on a
career that may end in usefulness. But it
is still a weakly institution. It has scarcely
enough power to give it a sufficient vitality
to live, much less to make itself felt in the
regulation of college affairs. It may have
all the power which at present can be given
it judiciously; but to say that it is a realiza-
tion of the idea of student self-government,
is to speak absurdly. What the senate
needs is a greater latitude of jurisdiction,
as well as more definiteness of power.

THE SENATE'S WITHDRAWAL.

The dispute between the senate and the
faculty which resulted in the withdrawal of
the senators by the students in 1894 brought
out in all the student publications of the
college many articles and communications;
all of which were of interest, and many of
them wittily written. Most of these, how-
ever, dealt more or less in personalities and
would be out of place in any but a regular

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 57

publication of the college. The following
communication to the Student sums up,
without details, one view from an alumnus:
** It is fortunate that the present discus-
sion between the faculty and the senate of
Amherst college has been made public.
We now have before us the several com-
munications that have passed between the
two bodies. Both the faculty and the
senate agree upon the circumstances in-
volved and the punishment given. A dif-
ference of opinion exists as to what body
ought to have decreed the penalty. . .
After all, it is the welfare of Amherst col-
lege that both faculty and senate must keep
in mind. Co-operation of the two bodies is
the key to their successful work. If the
senate did have a cause of grievance against
the faculty, it ought to have been stated on
other than purely technical grounds. At
the same time, this does not excuse the
faculty from not entertaining more favor-
ably the senate's request. . . The Amherst
senate is already famous within college
halls, and for the students to demand or
even think of its discontinuance is both
hasty and unwise. The senate should hold
a most important position in the Amherst

58 AMHERST LIFE.

idea of self-government. It should be
respected by both faculty and students."

THE senate's position.

From an Almunus Address at Springfield.

The cutting system and the senate are
but milestones along the course of giving
the students a larger liberty. The student
is on his honor as a gentleman, and may do
anything under the sun consistent with that
character. The idea is to make the student
not only the governed but the governor.
The old students thought it meant to break
the rules, but given a part in the govern-
ment they were bound to respect the laws
which they themselves had made. The
result was the decline and fall of hazing and
the almost complete extinction of rowdy-
ism. . . Amherst, that dear old College,
so modest in all her pretensions, has shown
to the world the possibility and the proba-
bility of a self-governing college community.
Many colleges have followed her example.
Shall that example now fail in the hour of
its birth ? Shall all that is unique and
original in the system be swept away ? I
hope not. I express the confidence of the

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 59

alumni in the common sense and wisdom of
the senate and faculty to preserve the sys-
tem, although for years the senate has been
the legitimate prey of the Olio^ the target
for the shaft of adverse criticism by some
students, and cherish the hope that thfe
senate will stand as long as Amherst college
stands, the queen of the hills *' on the banks
of the old freshman."

From the Report of the Senior Class.

The acts of the faculty reduce the senate
from the position of a governing body co-
ordinate with the faculty, and acting in a
sphere different in kind from that of the
faculty, to a subordinate position having
such a share in the government of the col-
lege as the faculty may see fit to give.
Such a subjection of the senate is incon-
sistent with its independent action. We
believe in the Amherst system as it really
is, but the subordination of the contract
relation and of the senate has undermined
that system. Responsibility for student
conduct is lifted from the students them-
selves, where the Amherst system placed it,
and assumed, in part at least, by the faculty,

6o AMHERST LIFE.

who Stand once more in loco parentis to the
students.

It remains, then, for the students to
decide if they will acquiesce in the estab-
lishment of a new Amherst system and
give it their support. Our unanimous
opinion is that it would not be for the best
interests of the college to do so. The
senate is not an end in itself; it exists only
as a means for securing good student gov-
ernment, and however much it may have
contributed to Amherst's reputation in the
past, it should be maintained only so long
as it is useful for good student government.
We believe that the senate system which
would be established by this precedent
would be of little usefulness as a governing
body and would not secure the respect and
co-operation of the students. The question
is one which concerns the entire body of
undergraduates and should be decided by
them.

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 6l

A NEW "IN LOCO PARENTIS" IDEA.

There is a young maid of Amherst,
My grandfather went with her first,

Soon after my pater.

And now I myself later.
Will have her if worst comes to worst.

DEDICATION OF THE '89 OLIO.

As the greatest orator of his age has so
well and fitly spoken (if we may be per-
mitted to borrow from the store of his elo-
quence),

We would dedicate this production to
Cromwell ; but Cromwell was only a soldier.
We would dedicate it to Napoleon; but Na-
poleon made his way to empire over broken
oaths and through a sea of blood. We would
dedicate it to the Father of his country;
but the great Virginian held slaves.

Therefore we dedicate it to the most per-
fect of all human organizations,

OUR COLLEGE SENATE,

For it never does anything at all.

62 AMHERST LIFE.

THE MAIDEN AND HER FRIEND.

( With no especial reference to anybody^

Once on a time there lived a maid,
A maid with noble fame;
Who dwelt within old Amherst's walls,
And she was a beaut, I can tell you, and
everybody was dead stuck on her shape,
and Freedom was her name.

Now Freedom had a trusty friend —
At least she thought him true —
But subsequent proceedings seemed
To prove pretty conclusively to Freedom,

anyway, that you can't most always tell

just what a friend will do.

For when her friend found out that she
Could easily be bossed.
He took her business for his own.
And' pretty soon Freedom began to get
onto the fact that her fame, name, and
everything else was most completely
lost.

SENATE AND COMPULSORY CHURCH. 63

She found her power all was gone,

Her blessings at an end;

And when she came to figure up,
She allowed that if anybody was responsi-
ble for her loss of dignity and honor, it
was probably that same old friend.

Now, you may read between the lines.

And think you read it well;

But you must do it for yourselves,
And you needn't think we're going to get
ourselves into trouble by explaining the
meaning of this poem, for we aren't;
we're too cooney, and we don't intend
to tell.

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES.

A MATIN IDYL.

When the shades of night are fading,
And the day begins to dawn,

When rests the tired student.
With lessons weary and worn,

Then comes upon the morning air

A hideous pealing knell,
And, with a curse, the student mutters,

"It is the chapel bell."

Then he rises wearily from bed,
And hastes his clothes to don;

And ever, as he dresses,
The cursed bell rings on.

Soon he seizes book and pencil,

Hat and overcoat as well,
And waltzes off to breakfast,

To the tune of the chapel bell.

Scarce the doughty steak is tasted.
Scarce the coffee, sad to tell,
67

68 AMHERST LIFE.

When, with hasty stroke, ''Four minutes
more,"
Peals out the chapel bell.

Out of the house he rushes,

With wild and frantic gait,
But three rapid strokes from the tower cry
out,

**Too late, old man, too late ! "

He slowly turns around and says,

*' What a luckless dog I am,"
And then in sad despairing tone,

" It is the seventeenth, oh ! "

UBI SUNT, O POCULA!

No more is heard the joke and song
Which did the midnight hours prolong;
No more doth fragrant steam arise
From ham and eggs or chicken pies;
No more we quaff our lemonade
And wink at Kate the waiter maid;
No more we hang up heavy scores,
Since Frank Wood closed to us his doors.

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 69

THE ANNUAL PICTURE RUSH.

CHAPTER I.

It is a beautiful October day. The light
is perfect for fixing the beauties of Walker
hall and the faces of Amherst's latest
accessions on the plate of Pach's camera.

Promptly at 2.45 p. m. the sinuous oper-
ator ambles to the spot, sets his tripod,
limbers his camera, and casts a professional
but contemptous glance at the motley crowd
on the steps. Some weak attempts at
grouping have been made, but the artist's
practiced eye quickly notes faults. He is
hampered in his re-arrangement by ignor-
ance of names. A good-natured shout
greets him, as in mild and trade-beseeching
accents he asks, '* Will that gentleman with
the intelligent-looking face please come
forward ? " The youth referred to blush-
ingly advances, while the sickly smiles of a
few show that they acknowledge the grind
on the rest of the class, *' Will that very
young-looking gentleman sit next the man
who is trying to raise a mustache ? " brings
two startled freshmen into prominence.

7© AMHERST LIFE.

The group is completed, and the camera
set up. At this juncture a few canes and
brush-sticks are stealthily produced from
behind some of the stouter men, and
accorded prominent places.

CHAPTER II.

Meanwhile a different scene is occurring
in the French room. It is nearly tinie to
dismiss the prize division. The com-
motion of the odious atmosphere made
by the vigorous applause at an unusually
daring recitation leads someone to open
the window. The freshmen and their
canes catch his eye. He shouts to the
division, who raise the class yell, and bolt
without listening to the announcement of
** Ten lines in advance."

CHAPTER III.

At the chapel a moment's stop is made,
and a hurried consultation ensues. Run-
ners are dispatched to the various tennis
courts, and then the main body moves rap-
idly toward Walker hall. The freshmen
sit motionless, for the operator is about to
lift the cap ; but how they wish he would
hurry, and let them stir ! But he too has

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 7^

seen the advancing mob, and, overcome
by terror, quickly takes the advice of a
thoughtful sophomore, and removes his
apparatus from the cyclone's path.

The sophs break for the center of the
group, and the half-dazed freshmen begin
to make a few attempts at defense. The
more cool and careful step inside the build-
ing, deliberately take off coats and hats, and
return to the fray; the more impetuous
hand their hats to some of the juniors who
have begun to gather, and sail in.

Who can describe a lively rush ? There is
the pushing, breathless mass in the center,
from which some of the stronger and more
ambitious are slinging off men, one by one,
in their own efforts to get at the cane; the
struggling victims in the middle, who would
give millions for a free breath; the wounded
on the ground; and on the outskirts the
squads of more heated partisans, who are
anxious to settle the matter by a single
knock-down encounter. All must be seen
to be appreciated.

Are the whole class engaged ? Oh, no !
a few stand hesitant on the steps, wonder-
ing if such a struggle can come under Doc's
definition of self-defense, or whether it

72 AMHERST LIFE.

would break that contract^ and end their col-
lege career should they indulge.

The sophomores get the cane, break it up,
and the recipients start off with their tro-
phies, pursued by the gamy freshmen.
One is downed; and the fight begins again,
but is short lived. Another cane appears,
and the contestants surge toward the gym.

Thence a well-known figure emerges,
bearing those symbols of authority, the
black book and the fez. Doc scornfully
looks on until the din subsides, then brings
the book down vigorously on his palm, A
sharp crack is heard, and a shrill voice
pierces the air, "Young gentlemen, dis-
perse to your rooms ! Juniors, that applies
to you as well ! " The ringing laugh that
follows brings another burst of ire ; and
with " I am not a constable, but you had
better move on, or take the consequences,"
the kindly doctor loses breath, and retires.
The classes, preferring movement to the
consequences, separate, and glide away.

The sophs have exchanged hats, books,
and raiment for glory and inch fragments of
a twenty-five cent cane ; and the freshmen
depart in a battered condition without a
picture.

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 73

And where is Pach ? His manly feelings
have been outraged. His dignity has
suffered the severest insult of all his experi-
ence with numerous college classes; but, as
his instruments are unhurt, he bottles his
wrath, folds up his tent like the Arab, and
as silently steals to the train for New York.

THE PLUGGER.

Who sits from morn till late at night

His eye upon the page.
And squanders youth and social grace

To gain in knowledge age ? —

The plugger.

Who stands so pale before his class

And pulls a glorious four,
And when exams, send havoc round

Is first to leave the floor ? —

The plugger.

Who prides himself upon a key
Which points to brain alone,

And, culture's pygmy, mounts at last
The learned commencement throne ?-
The plugger.

74 AMHERST LIFE.

Who makes for life and all its joys

A mere existence do,
And leaves the world no heritage ?

'Tis sad to tell, but true —

The plugger.

MINISTERING ANGELS.

There are at least five toilers connected
with this noble institution whose value is
grossly underestimated. I refer to the five
daughters of Erin, whose duty it is to effect
the weekly sweeping of the dormitories.
They are no common drudges; the study of
their methods is an inspiring lesson on the
amount of interest and even attraction that
can be found in the meanest toil merely by
absorbing mind and heart in the work.
The quantity of ingenuity they display in
the apparently simple process of sweeping
would do to invent a flying machine.

I will back this statement by proof. For
example: They invade a room that is ap-
parently spotless, make a few passes with a
broom, and behold a bushel and a half of
dirt! Where they get it I cannot tell.
Unless we accuse them of familiarity with

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 75

the black art, we must admit either that
they brought it with them, or that it was
there before. In either case their genius is
quite bewildering.

Further illustrations: Having collected
said quantity of dirt, they scatter part of if
on your desk, a larger part in little fuzzy
rolls about the floor, and deposit the rest
behind the piano. The top of the piano,
by the way, they make a repository for
umbrellas, overshoes, base ball bats, and
other equally appropriate articles. They
marshal! your rugs in battalion line from
your door to nowhere. They arrange the
Japanese screen so that it will hide the
bookshelves instead of the set-bowl, and
they never fail to swap your desk chair for
your chum's.

These inspiring creatures not only put
thought into their work, but take keen
delight in it, as may be seen from the
following.

If you like to keep your slippers in the
waste basket, where they'll be handy, the
women dump them out with the paper, and
hurry old Charlie downstairs with them.
They do this so that you will have to spend
the rest of the morning in sub-chapel,

76 AMHERST LIFE.

rooting through seventeen old rubbish
barrels.

In your bedroom they show a fertility of
resource that leaves Odysseus a simpleton
in comparison. They pile all the clothes
they can find on a single chair, and then
put something heavy on top of them, so as
to muss them as much as possible. They
drop your razor strop over behind the
bureau, or somewhere where they think you
won't find it. They hide one shoe in the
bed clothes, and throw the other as far
under the bed as the wall will permit, so
that you will have to get down on your
stomach, and wave madly after it with your
cane, and swear.

When they get through with your floor,
if they find out that you are studying and
want quiet, they detail one of their number
to stand at the head of the stairs and slide
the brooms, dust pans, mops, etc., down
one by one, to the bottom. They do this
with great glee, for they know it will make
you think things you'll be sorry for after-
ward.

Sometimes they scrub the hall floor.
This is a good deal of work, but they like
to do it, for they have discovered an odor-

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 77

iferous washing-powder that discounts any
laboratory on the market. It delights them
to think that the sickening taint will linger
about the halls for a week.

I have just mounted those three weary
climbs (what bungling idiot ever named,
them flights ?) of stairs, and have seen two
of these calico-vested fairies sitting on the
steps and flirting with old Professor Charlie.
Innocents ! May they be forgiven ! As for
us — may the saints preserve us !

TO THE PHARISEE.

In our quiet modest way,

To you we'd like to say
That your trick of smiling broadly in the
class.

When others make mistakes,

Or some very harmless breaks.
Makes you like unto a most consummate ass.

And the way you shake your head,

When anything is said
That does not suit your own precise idea,

When so very oft repeated,

Makes one think you quite conceited,

78 AMHERST LIFE.

At least, 'tis so to me it does appear.
We do not doubt your knowledge,
You're the pride of all the College,
But this very fault has won you many
foe;
So if you less will do it,
Or, still better, quite eschew it,
You'll do much to gratify

The Olio.

THE AMHERST FIRE DEPART-
MENT.

The small muckers finally succeeded in
rousing up the different members of the fire
brigade, and they gathered slowly about
the post-office steps. After talking for a
short time in subdued tones, one of the
older and more intrepid members mustered
courage to inquire, "Where is it?" No
one appeared to know, and finally two or
three of the more active and headstrong of
the brigade, in spite of the solemn warn-
ings of their elders not to precipitate
matters, started to walk up to college hill
in order to get a view of the surrounding
country, and, possibly, to discover the

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 79

whereabouts of the fire, since there seemed
to be no way of avoiding the conclusion
that there really was a fire somewhere.
They were spared this trouble, however,
by meeting a small boy, who told them
the fire was at South Amherst, and they
returned to the expectant group at the
post-office.

After mature deliberation to decide
whether the aforesaid S. B.'s witness should
be admitted or not, it was voted by a small
majority to get out the engine, and several
started for the engine house. After mov-
ing a wagon, three ladders, and a worn-out
hose carriage, they got the doors open.
Here they found that someone had stored
a score or two of empty barrels and several
dozen dry-goods boxes in front of the
engine, but the boys were getting excited
now, and in twenty minutes these were all
removed and the engine drawn out.

Then ensued a violent discussion as to
whether they should draw it by hand or use
horses. The advocates of horse-power
finally prevailed, and two pairs were sent
for. On their arrival, however, it was de-
cided that one pair was sufficient, and the
second pair was sent back.

8o AMHERST LIFE.

The next difficulty was as to how they
should ride, but, at last, having disposed of
themselves on various parts of the machine,
they started off amid the cheers of the
muckers and the admiring gaze of the town
fems. Suddenly came a halt. Several
members of the department were seen to
hold a somewhat hurried consultation.
There followed a few moments of suspense.
Then it became noised about among the
anxious throng who were watching their
movements, that the department had for-
gotten their rubber overcoats.

The excitement was getting tremendous
now, and it did not take long to decide that
they must have their coats, and to send
the ever ready muckers after them. The
coats were brought and donned. Then
they started again, the town maidens keep-
ing a little way ahead on the sidewalk and
looking back with mingled awe and venera-
tion on the advancing cavalcade.

On reaching the foot of college hill, it
was decided that all four horses were none
too many, and the second pair was sent
for. After an extra trip to get splices for
the reins, these were attached to the first
pair, and again the procession moved on.

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 8l

When at length the summit of college
hill was reached and they actually caught
sight of the flames, they gave a yell, in
comparison with which the Eighty-four howl
became a melodious undertone, and tore
down the hill at a marvelous rate of speed. ,
One of the horses gave out on reaching
freshman river, but was quickly rolled out
of the way and they dashed madly on.

At length the scene of desolation was
reached, but they were too late — the fire
was out, and after going into the neighbor-
ing houses to get warm, they returned home
to receive the well-earned plaudits of their
fellow-citizens.

It would seem as if the glory thus acquired
were sufficient for ordinary mortals, but our
gallant fire brigade were soon to add new
luster to the crown already won.

It was a calm Sabbath evening, and not a
sound disturbed the sacred stillness of the
hour, when again there rang out upon the
startled air of the cry of fire. The firemen,
ever on the alert, gathered in hot haste.
They could see all too plainly the bright
tongues of flame sweeping upward in the
northern skies, until they reached the stars
and fired the whole heavens.

82 AMHERST LIFE.

Would they get there in time ? Well,
they were making desperate efforts and
would probably have succeeded in reaching
the place, had they not become discouraged
when a worthy farmer informed them that
they were running to put out the northern
lights.

One more exploit which capped the cli-
max of their renown and we will close the
thrilling recital.

It was the wild midnight. The tame mid-
night watchman was off watch and had gone
to bed some time before. The town was
sleeping quietly, all unconscious of the fact
that the wide devastating fire fiend was
doing his disastrous work near by. Hap-
pily, one of the gallant sons of Vulcan was
awake. Through a rift in the clouds which
hung over the Pelham mountains he caught
sight of the malignant glow of fire, which
grew brighter and brighter as he gazed.
Pausing only for an instant, he darted
down the stairs and sped through the streets,
raising the terror-fraught cry of Fire.

The brave firemen responded with their
wonted alacrity. The engine was manned
and they started on their way, looking
defiantly toward the rapidly increasing

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 83

light, when the moon, from above a bank of
clouds, at last shone full upon them with a
serene smile, which seemed to say, "Put
me out if you can," and the story of their
heroic daring is complete.

A MEDITATIVE STUDENT.

A SOLILOQUY.

My thoughts are so profound that their

profundity is immeasurable,
My mystic meditations deal with themes

obscure and terrible,
I think and then I meditate, then meditate

and think.
And then I tell whome'er I meet how much

I love to think.

I think about myself, and me, and then of

I, and ego ;
Again about myself, and then about how

much I know.
I know it all, and even just a little else

beside ;
And with my knowledge and my thoughts,

I'm wholly satisfied.
7

84 AMHERST LIFE.

Yes, yes, I'm very proud of what I say, and

think, and know,
And am, and feel, and hear, and see, and

read and learn ; but oh !
This world's too small for me — I fain would

soar away.
And tell the men on Mars how much I know

and think and say.

At length, if I but keep at work, and think

hard all the time,
I'll have it all thought up; and then, how

odd and how sublime.
To never rest, but keep at work as hard as

e'er I can.
And go, and what I have thought up, un-

think it all again !

THE SPORT'S OFF-DAY.

"Don't talk to me," he said, "I've got
a bad one." It was needless to ask what
his vague statement meant, for he would
have called himself the victim of a bad
"grouch." His more scrupulous room-
mate might have called it a mood, or the

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 85

blues, but it all amounted to the same
thing. And when I respected his wish and
held my peace, he began to speak in a sort
of aggressive way, as if daring me to con-
tradict him.

" I don't see what it all amounts to," h^
said to me, and I knew that more was to
follow. " I'm not accomplishing anything.
I'm not doing anybody else any good, and I
doubt very much if I am profiting by it
myself. I am repeating the prodigal son's
follies in a way of my own, I'm wasting
my father's substance in riotous living.
My very mode of life is a systematic and
continued deception of the people at home.
If I were what my father thought I was I
wouldn't be able to put my hat on, and if I
fulfilled my mother's expectations nothing
short of a halo would do for me. My kid-
brother idolizes me, and his one ambition is
to be some day the man that he imagines I
am now. And she," here he pointed to a
photograph on his desk, **she writes that
she envies my future, for she knows that
my ambition will raise me high above men
some day." He stopped speaking, and for
a long minute the clock ticks and the crack-
ling of the flames were all that broke the

86 AMHERST LIFE.

silence. Then he began again, ** Yes, I'm
deceiving them all shamelessly, but if I
told them, it would break their hearts,
and if I should change without telling
them, they couldn't believe in me any more
implicitly than they do now. Two more
years in college, lots of time to straighten
up in, and — I'm having a good time. Call
it wild oats if you want. What do I care ? "
From quiet regret his voice rose to loud de-
fiance. "Keep your sermons for someone
else. I'm going out to-night to eat, drink,
and be merry. Don't stay up for me.
Tommy."

His room-mate said that it was three
o'clock when he came in with thick utter-
ance and unsteady step. The law of com-
pensation had demanded its right, and after
his unwonted soberness he had taken pains
to lose his sobriety. And the next morn-
ing he met me with the old ** devil-may-
care " expression, which announced, better
than words, that earnestness had once
more yielded to carelessness.

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 87

BEFORE THE FREE DELIVERY.

The room is not at all prepossessing in
appearance. Its bare wooden floor, only
a foot above the sidewalk, is invariably
soiled with slush, mud, or dust, according
to the season of the year. The very door
which one encounters on entering is old
and dingy and battered, one side being dis-
figured by a couple of flaps which look like
ill-conceived patches for protection of the
holes beneath them. The walls are cov-
ered by a motley collection of signs and
notices, which only serve to intensify the
general air of disregard for ornament or
cleanliness. A fly-specked clock adorns
one corner, and though this once must
have had no mean pretensions to respecta-
bility, it now has fallen into the sadly di-
lapidated style which pervades the whole
place. Not a chair or a bench has ever
gained footing within its bare and homely
precincts. The view from its spacious
windows includes only the roadway, the
town pump, and a few brick buildings.
Yet there are hours during the day when

88 AMHERST LIFE.

this unpretentious — nay, even disagreeable
— apartment is crowded with an eager, ex-
pectant gathering.

The explanation of their patient, con-
stant attendance is easy. For all interest
centers about a V-shaped structure which
projects well into the room from the rear
toward the door, lined with a series of little
cells which lend to the whole the appear-
ance of a vast honeycomb. The tiny com-
partments are systematically numbered and
each apparently has its own proprietor.
About these the swarm of busy bees
hovers, each bent on his own cell, finally
turning away content with a white budget
from it, or slowly making off without booty,
showing by his very bearing disappoint-
ment that the genius within has not seen
fit to reward his devotions.

Some rarely go away without at least one
of these mysterious white billets, while
some come for days at a time without
receiving any prize at all. But a careful
observer could see that they who oftenest
deposit tribute in a slot at the apex of the
V are most frequently the ones to receive
like tokens. Not seldom the color is lav-
ender, or blue, or pink, these same tints

AMHERST TYPES AND SCENES. 89

imparting added value, while those of yel-
low or bronze exterior are treated with
contempt and often cast aside without
examination.

Such is this most popular room and such
are the proceedings within it. Doubtless
the reader has already recognized it, if
not, he may see some points of resemblance
when at the next mail hour he betakes him-
self to the Amherst post-office.

THE CONVENTS,

Two convents in a college town,
Whose fair, sweet nuns, discreet,

March in two dainty throngs each day
Through the elm-shaded street.

Though guarded by a Saint Bernard

And by a gallant knight.
Naught of their beauty can be bound:

It flashes as the light.

Though only from afar can we

Behold, admire, adore,
Our gracious kindly patron saints

Be they forevermore!

OO AMHERST LIFE.

Fair, gentle saints, inspiring hope,

How they do edify!
Sweet incense on our shrine we burn

To their divinity!

AMHERST REVERIES.

IN AMHERST TOWN.

In Amherst town the blue skies beam
On many a bright and hopeful dream
Of youth, which knows no doubt, no fear,
And thinks of friends and friendships near;
And trusts that men are all they seem.

So this is youth, and youth's bright dream.
It somehow has a brightened gleam
From off the shining sunbeams clear,
In Amherst town.

And yet a day will come — I deem —
When brightness all away will stream ;
And all the world so dark and drear,
And men so strange; that then I'll hear
They crave again that sunny dream —
In Amherst Town,

93

94 AMHERST LIFE.

FOUR LIVES.

FROM THE JUNIOR POINT OF VIEW.

Strolling down the College highway; with

its many ferns and flowers,
Chanced I on four people, trudging on

through all the weary hours.
Each seemed different from the others,

each a different story told,
Which I heard as I was passing, and in
memory still do hold.

senior.
First I met a saddened spinster, old in

years; and worn, and thin,
With a tear-stained face and wrinkled,

pitted with the marks of sin.
She had gone through life, for nothing,

bearing scanty wreaths away.
And I shunned the aged vixen, with her

hideous hair of gray.

JUNIOR.

Then there came a lovely matron rounded

in the prime of life.
Walking on in matchless beauty, carrying

crowns from many a strife.

AMHERST REVERIES. 95

When she bowed she spoke with sweetness,
and her breath was like the rose,

Like the skies her beauty, sunny grace,
compelling love from foes.

SOPHOMORE.

Next I met a saucy maiden with a dirty, '

ugly face.
Shambling on 'mid grievous weeping, with

a walk devoid of grace.
She was overgrown and clumsy, with a

heathen, country air.
And I know not what for rudeness with

this maiden could compare.

FRESHMAN.

Last of all, a funny infant came a-toddling

down the road.
Stubbing 'gainst the stones and squalling in

the latest ^ la mode.
But I rather liked the fellow, with his cute

and childish ways.
For he had the brightest, freshest looks I'd

seen in many days.

Saw I also in the distance, other people

coming on,
But I stopped and did not meet them, — you

may hear of them anon.

96 AMHERST LIFE.

In a tavern someone told me, all were Alma

Mater's kin,
Yet their lives were very different — One

alone the prize could win.

A REVERIE FROM RHETORIC.

*TwAS on an arm in Nungy's room.
Inclosed by many a penciled square,
A hideous head with rumpled hair,

Upon an arm in Nungy's room.

Did someone draw that horrid face
To keep awake to meet his doom;

Or was the artist's aim to grace
That old chair arm in Nungy's room ?

Perhaps a Goethe traced each line
Upon that poor defenseless arm.
And genius' power was the charm

That could create such form divine.

Maybe we'll see a Rubens loom.
With heaven-sent power and master's

hand,
Out from the man who left his brand

On that chair arm in Nungy's room.

Whoe'er he be, where'er he dwell.
Who drew that frightful image there,
Long may he live, to have his share

AMHERST REVERIES. 97

Of blessed life, and live it well.

But may some memory bring him round

Matured by this world's sun and gloom,
To see what ugly work I found

On that chair arm in Nungy's room.

AMHERST MISCELLANY.

To order hash or not, that is the question :

Whether 'tis better for man to suffer

The pains and terrors of outrageous hunger,

Or to take hash with all its mysteries,

And by one great gulp to end it.

To eat, perchance to dream, ay, there's the

rub!
For in that sleep what dreams may come
Of hair, of dogs, of cats, of puppies' tails;
Of shingle nails; of tin tomato-cans;
Of bones; of fishes' tails and fins;
Of skins of apples and potato-rinds.
The choice of hash, or nothing, puzzles the

will.
And makes us rather bear the hunger that

we have
Than fly to evils that we know not of.
Thus does this element make cowards of

us all.

98 AMHERST LIFE.

THE EX-SMOKER'S LAMENT.

Oft upon a midnight dreary, while I pon-
der, weak and weary,

Over many a long and toilsome lesson of
to-morrow's four,

While I'm nodding, nearly napping, sud-
denly there comes a tapping.

As of someone gently rapping, rapping on
his cuspidor.

'Tis my room-mate softly spilling ashes
from his pipe, for more :

Only this and nothing more.

At my desk, so slowly working, sit I, with

no thought of shirking,
Though my will can very little longer

'gainst this craving war.
How I long to do this rapping, do this soft,

this gentle tapping.
Filling my old pipe with 'baccy, as so oft in

days of yore.
Oh, these fetters that restrain me burn into

my bosom's core :

For I smoke, ah, nevermore.

AMHERST REVERIES. 99

Ah, distinctly I remember, and the thought
is dear and tender.

How I loved to sit and linger over many a
peaceful smoke.

There I found a way to borrow freedom
from my every sorrow ;

For I'd learned to rout all trouble in wreath-
ing clouds of smoke.

Often from my dreams I waken, thinking
that my pledge I've broke:
But, alas, there's no such hope.

And my pipe is useless lying, all the weed
within it drying;

In the corner of my desk it's doomed to
stay for evermore;

While I sit, so vainly trying, all these long-
ings in me crying

For the smoke of incense, healing to my
heart so sick and sore;

But my pipe from out that corner, though
my feelings wage fierce war.
Can be lifted nevermore.

lOO AMHERST LIFE.

TO THE CONVENT GIRL.

Sweet maid, to these bleak hills allured

To drink thy fill at learning's fount;
Fair being, in whose soul I ween

Minerva's shrine is paramount;
Do me this grace, sweet lady mine,

To give my burdened heart relief,
Grant me a hearing, only list

To my o'erpowering, hopeless grief,

I meet thee oft in aimless stroll

And view thy passage from afar.
As longingly as sage of old

E'er watched the rising of his star.
In concert hall I see thee oft,

And looking, lose all thought of song.
Or muse, or anything except

The charms that to thyself belong.

Thy presence, too, at vesper-tide
Enshrines the spot, and all the hour

My homage seeks thy heart alone
My soul is fast in Cupid's power.

Thus am I tossed with love of thee.
Thus has my sorrow daily grown.

AMHERST REVERIES. lOl

Now give, I pray thee, beauteous maid,
Good heed unto that heart of stone,

And see if thou hast not one glance,

One thought for me. I wait thy word
With anxious heart. Can'st not bestow

One look on me ? Hast thou not heard ?
Thou can'st not. Then alas for me !

What visions now must take their flight.
I blame thee not, but thou hast made

Of me a most heart-broken wight.

Go on thy course toward wisdom's goal,
But when at last cute Cupid's bow

Shall pierce thy heart, then, then alone
Can'st thou my present anguish know.

OVER THE NOTCH.

Over the Notch, 'neath forest-clad height
Rock-strewn, o'er-frowning his path on the

right.
He wends his swift way to that land of

delight,

Over the Notch.

I02 AMHERST LIFE.

Over the Notch, where the arbutus grows,
Or autumn's bright red midst its pale yel-
low glows,
Soft breeze from the South in his face
gently blows,

Over the Notch.

Over the Notch, to where sweet voices call,
Fair faces glance coyly from window and

hall,
Or lure him to ** Pepper-Box " — best place

of all—

Over the Notch.

Over the Notch, in the darkness of night.
The deep, sheer ravine's fearful plunge on

his right.
Slow and sadly returns he, this love-
stricken wight,

Over the Notch.

YE JOLLIE JUNIOR.

Although at ease in outward guise.

Within his fare he curses.
He can't forget though hard he tries,

The yawning void his purse is.

AMHERST STORIES.

A DIMPLED PLATONIST. .^

Ferrand Eliot was reclining on his win-
dow seat. It was a pleasant Saturday after-
noon at the beginning of the fall term; here
and there a tree had already put on its habit
of red or gold, yet the afternoon was not
cold, and a gentle breeze fluttered the
silken drapery by the open window. Our
friend was feeling particularly happy and
contented this September day, although he
was alone, this being one of his chum's
regular days for worship at a certain shrine
of Northampton. He held in his hand a
sufficiently interesting story; the window
seat was comfortable, and it was with a
pleasant sense of an ownership of good
things that he lay back and lazily surveyed
the room before opening the volume. His
eyes wandered over the familiar things —
the regulation sets of foils, masks, and
boxing-gloves, the college bric-a-brac, the
"Ladies' Cloak Room" and ''Reserved,"
signs of freshman year; the patriotic purple

Io6 AMHERST LIFE.

and white banner, and several water-color
sketches, Ferrand's own work; the mantel
with its array of pipes, and a few medals
won at Worcester or in the heavy gym.
All these things his eyes surveyed with
an expression of great content, until they
came to rest upon the most charming thing
in the room — the photograph of a young
girl. Then, strangely enough, the placid
expression changed to one of contending
admiration, pity, and disgust. **Why
should Frank make such a fool of himself? "
he asked the ceiling — **and for her to throw
herself away like that ! " Ferrand Eliot
was a well-born and well-bred Virginian,
manly, broad-shouldered, blue-eyed; a type
which cannot be surpassed anywhere. The
"sand" and skill which he exhibited on
the football eleven, where he played right
guard, together with his accurate scholar-
ship in the classroom, showed that his
muscle and the fiber of his brain were
equally tough. He was a man whom every-
one trusted. But there was a screw loose,
as the fellows said.

In matters of sentiment Ferrand Eliot
was a Platonist. He thought it not only
nonsense, but downright suicide, for two

AMHERST STORIES. 107

young people to fall in love with each other.
"Why won't they be sensible?" he would
exclaim. **Look about and see all the
unhappiness lovers bring on each other and
the rest of the world. It could be avoided
so easily. What an absurdity to say that a
young man and a young woman cannot be
the closest friends, without degenerating
into the sickly sentimental style of inter-
course ! " He had lived a score of years,
and had known many women intimately, but
his platonic heart was still untouched by
any unplatonic passion.

On the other hand, his chum, Frank
Hanway, held exactly opposite views. He
claimed that he had always been in love, as
has every other man, acknowledge it or not.
"We all have our ideals," he would say,
"and sooner or later every man will find
attributes of his ideal centered in some
woman." And so, of course, they had many
long and amusing discussions on these
interesting topics. There was something
fascinating in Hanway's way of putting
things which attracted his chum, while the
latter's manly sincerity Frank felt to be
worthy of respect. Now, Hanway had
already found his ideal in the subject of the

lo8 AMHERST LIFE.

admired, pitied, and obnoxious photograph,
the fascinating Miss Alger of Smith college.
So he had lost no time in using man's priv-
ilege by telling Miss Alger that he had
always loved her, although until a fortnight
previous to the declaration they had been
utter strangers. Miss Alger, while her con-
fession may have been less striking, was
none the less in love with Frank Hanway.
To most of their friends it seemed a perfect
match. Not so to Ferrand; he could not
be reconciled to such an abnormal state
of things. Miss Alger was a pretty girl.
Frank was a thorough good fellow. But
the combination was intolerably absurd.
The window seat was no longer comfortable.
He frowned, fidgeted, and finally arose,
pulled on his cap, and sought the com-
panionship of his "Columbia," of whose
platonic friendship he felt secure. But
why did he take the road to Northampton ?
At Northampton he turned to the left,
crossed the meadows, ferried the Con-
necticut at Hockanum, and followed the
winding river toward South Hadley. The
beauty of the quiet river; of the meadows
dotted over with white houses and tobacco
barns; of Northampton with it churches

AMHERST STORIES. 109

and colleges like pretty mosaics set in the
emerald of wonderful elms; of the little
rifts and puffs of smoke from furnaces and
creeping enginds so far away, there was
charm enough in all this to cause Ferrand
to slacken his speed. Too great haste amid
such surrounding loveliness would have
been an impertinence, if not a sacrilege.
He had ascended the long hill which rises
abruptly out of the river, and turned his
head as he began the descent to get a last
glimpse of the quiet valley.

There must have been some sort of mis-
fit in the road, for he turned a somersault
in the air and several on the ground, and
saw stars for some moments. Among the
stars he perceived a straw sailor-hat, a
tennis-dress, and a frightened face. In due
time the stars retired to their proper
orbits, but the other articles considerately
stayed, to resolve themselves into a very
presentable young lady.

"Can I help you?" said the young
lady, regarding apprehensively a certain
.part of Ferrand's head which bulged omi-
nously,

"Thank you, very much," he said, get-
ting slowly to his feet, and having sufficient

no AMHERST LIFE.

presence of mind to touch his cap. "I
shall do very well, I think."

"Then I may smile just a little?" she
asked. "I'm not ill-natured, but there is
such a funny side to an accident of that
sort!"

She stood by the roadside dimpling
softly, her brown hair blown backward.
Ferrand began to be interested. It was
certainly a strange manner for a young
girl to use toward a stranger. Yet it
was not familiar. In the presence of a
"header," according to Ferrand's experi-
ence, most young ladies would choose
to scream or faint or giggle. Here was
one who had promptly offered her aid, but
evidently had no uncalled-for sentimental
sympathy to deal out, even to such a good-
looking young gentleman as Ferrand felt
himself to be. To be sure there was a
smirch of the roadway across his face, and
his clothes were shockingly begrimed, but
even then ! He rid himself impatiently of
a little of the dirt, and collected his cap
and his bicycle before turning to say a few
decent phrases in his best ladies' manner.
She was seated further back from the road,
sketching quietly, with a little preoccupied

AMHERST STORIES. m

knot in her brow and her head on one side.
Ferrand took off the rescued cap.

"You were very kind to try to help me,
and I forgive the smile," he said. It was
quite as unconventional a remark as hers
had been, he thought. She looked up at
him.

"I am really glad you weren't hurt
seriously, Mr. Ferrand Eliot," she said.

This explained the whole thing. It was
someone he had met and forgotten; and
yet Ferrand did not forget easily.

She was quick to notice the embarrassed,
remembering expression on his face.

** No, you needn't try. You have never
met me anywhere, and yet I know you quite
well, Mr. Ferrand Eliot," she said.

"I give it up," said Ferrand, laughing.
He had no doubt that this self-possessed
young lady would explain in her own good
time. In the meanwhile there was no
hurry. But she laid down her sketchbook.

**In the first place," she said, "you are
a chum of a certain Amherst man named
Mr. Frank Hanway, aren't you?"

"Yes," said Ferrand, "but "

"In the second place, Mr. Frank Han-
way is engaged, I believe they call it, to a

112 AMHERST LIFE.

certain Smith girl called Miss Alger, isn't
he?"

"Why, yes," said Ferrand, **but
how "

"In the third place, I am the room-
mate of this Miss Alger, who is engaged
to the man who lives with the man whose
name is Ferrand Eliot. Now do you
see?"

" Oh, yes," cried Ferrand, " and you are

Miss " Here he stopped and thought

hopelessly.

"Ah," she said, dimpling again, "you
aren't so well informed about me as I am
about you. Allow me to introduce myself
in a shockingly irregular manner as Miss
Helen Prescott, at your service, sir."
With this she bowed meekly.

"Of course," said Ferrand. "How
stupid ! But that doesn't explain how you
recognized me."

"Oh, you were pointed out to me at
the first football game, so the mystery is
all gone."

"I wonder if you have your chum's in-
terests at heart as much as I have mine,"
said Ferrand. "If you have, you have a
grudge against Frank Hanway."

AMHERST STORIES. 1 13

** Yes, indeed, I have ! " she cried, ** Do
you know, you men are a bit provoking
with your brag about stanchness, fidelity,
and all the other solid virtues which women
are supposed not to possess. As if women
couldn't be as good friends as men ! "

" I think you are right," he asserted,
"and I only wish all women were as sen-
sible as you; but what is still more pro-
voking to me, is the generally accepted
idea that a man and a woman — you and I,
for instance — can't be together and enjoy
each other's companionship without going
through the absurd process of falling in
love. Now, there are Frank and Miss
Alger — but it's of no use to argue with
Frank," and Ferrand turned his brown
head impatiently.

"And Margaret is quite as obstinate,"
said Miss Prescott gloomily. "Isn't it a
pity ! " This was certainly a very unusual
girl. She was pretty, but of course that
was a secondary matter, thought Ferrand.
It was her frankness and good sense that
were so attractive. He followed a sudden
impulse.

"Miss Prescott," he said, " what do you
say to our demonstrating to these beloved

114 AMHERST LIFE.

idiots the strength of our position ? I like
you, at all events "

"And I like you, Mr. Eliot," said Helen
Prescott. " And here is my hand to clinch
the bargain. We must save those children!
And now, to show that you are in earnest,
I wish you would go away at once! The
other girls left me here to do some sketch-
ing, and it is time for them to return with
the carriage. I should like to have you
meet them, but it might be rather unpleas-
ant for you, looking as you do, you know —
and we have met in such a singular way.
And, if you should come to the Hubbard
house with Mr. Hanway some time I
should be very pleased to meet you." A
dimple and a courtesy, and Ferrand found
himself dismissed.

" The fact of our first meeting for con-
spiracy is to be kept in the dark, then," he
reflected, as he rode slowly toward the
ferry, "or is it merely a feminine tribute
to the goddess Grundy ? " So it happened
that he told Frank about the accident, with-
out mentioning its other than material con-
sequences. He felt a little guilty, but it
was a consolation that his guilt was shared.

It came to pass a week later that, as they

AMHERST STORIES. "5

were walking down from chapel together,
Ferrand said :

** I suppose you are off to Hamp, as
usual, this evening, to see the fair one ? "

**Yes," said Frank, shrugging his
shoulders, and expecting to hear the usual
tirade about "sentimental bosh," and so
forth.

" Well," said Ferrand, " I think I'll come
with you and hear the turtledove coo, if
you don't mind,"

Whereat Frank wondered greatly, for
hitherto his efforts at bringing together his
chum and his sweetheart had been frus-
trated by a true Virginian obstinacy.

That evening Ferrand was duly presented
to Miss Alger.

"Not so bad," thought Ferrand; "she
doesn't look like a maniac. But then the
way she looks at Frank! And they would
have been quite as comfortable if they
hadn't shaken hands for quite five minutes. '

They had spoken the introductory com-
monplaces, when in came the demure Miss
Prescott, who expressed herself as delighted
to meet Mr. Eliot. But there was a stray
dimple for Ferrand alone — when the turtle-
doves had drawn aside with an uncon-
9

Il6 AMHERST LIFE.

sciously relieved expression — which showed
that she had not forgotten their bargain.

We need not say how often during the
following winter Ferrand spent his evenings
in Northampton, nor how many letters with
double postage passed and repassed the
long bridge; there were so many things to
be talked over with reference to the refor-
mation of the lovers. So far, indeed, from
there being any immediate gratifying re-
sults in the behavior of the lovers, conse-
quent to the Platonic example so studiously
set for them, they seemed to be getting more
and more incurable. But everything does
not come to pass in a day, and the two con-
spirators labored on.

So senior year sped by, and the com-
mencement day partings drew near, and
the evening came when Frank and Ferrand
must make their last visit upon the Hub-
bard house piazza. Not that Frank cared
a whit; he was all in the future; the Hub-
bard house had been to him a rather
inconvenient place of tryst. But to Fer-
rand it was a melancholy time. To keep
alive an intellectual friendship across a con-
tinent is no easy matter, in spite of the
graphs and phones of this privileged age.

AMHERST STORIES. II7

He found himself looking with envy upon
his chum, who was not to know the pangs
of intellectual separation. Frank had some
errands to do, and Ferrand found Miss
Prescott alone. They shook hands in their
usual business-like way. But they did not
succeed in being very talkative.

"I'm afraid all our efforts have been a
vanity, after all," she said; "we have had
a great deal of trouble for nothing, haven't
we ? " She was sitting with her back to
the light, and he could see her dimpled
cheek in profile.

"For nothing?" he said mechanically.
She turned slightly, so that he saw a little
helpless quiver of her under-lip. He rose
from his chair, throwing out his arm as if to
cast off some weight. Then he came before
her, raised her gently to him, and looked
long and lingeringly into her face. It was
not very long after this that the two fool-
ish lovers came into the room, and were
naturally surprised. The fellow-philoso-
phers looked, to tell the truth, a little
sheepish.

"This isn't a very good example "

began Helen.

"The simple truth of the whole matter

Il8 AMHERST LIFE.

is," said Ferrand, calmly but with unction,
" that Plato was an old fool! "

But I doubt if Plato could have withstood
those dimples.

Le Roy Phillips, '92.

AMHERST STORIES. 119

A POLITICAL DEAL.

Reginald Thompson's face was clouded
as he lounged on the window-seat, and even
the smoke-wreaths from his pipe floated
away with an air of dreariness.

Reginald was only a sophomore, yet he
was taking a farewell look at the books, the
pictures, and the knickknacks in his room.
In a short time he was to be expelled from
college.

A few evenings before, a freshman had
been suddenly seized while strolling about
the campus, and had been blindfolded be-
fore he could catch more than a glimpse of
his assailants. He had been led away and
hazed. In the midst of the fun his tormen-
tors were interrupted by the approach of a
watchman. They fled around a corner, only
to encounter another man. But he was
hurrying to catch a train and had no time
to trouble himself about the disturbance.
So the fugitives passed him without inter-
ference, and there was no one to tell who
they were unless the victim himself had
some idea. And, in fact, the latter had

120 AMHERST LIFE.

Stated most positively that one of his tor-
mentors had been Reginald Thompson;
that he had not only recognized Thompson's
voice, but had even caught a glimpse of him.
The accused denied the charge in vain; only
his most intimate friends would believe him,
for he had not been in his room on that
evening, and no one could say where he
had been.

The laws of the college required that
hazing be punished with expulsion ; but first,
the student must come before the college
senate, and without the sanction of this
body no action could be taken.

A meeting of the senate had therefore
been called by the president, but had been
postponed because one of the sophomore
members had not yet been elected.

Thompson's chum and room-mate, Wil-
Ham MacMaster, was the president of the
sophomore class, and was using his influ-
ence to the utmost to help his friend.
Reginald knew this, and his face brightened
considerably when MacMaster burst in upon
his meditations on the window seat.

"Hello, Reggie ! " he cried; "stop your
scowling now, old man, and cheer up, I have
some good news. "

AMHERST STORIES. 121

" Well, Bill, what is it ? " asked Regi-
nald, with a smile that was almost gloomy.

"The election will be to-morrow and
Townsend is going to run for senatorship,"
began the other as he sat down and shoved
both his hands into his pockets. " All of
our crowd, of course, will vote for him,
and I made a deal with the Theta Epsilons,
so that they will be in for him too."

"It is awfully kind of you, Bill, to take
so much trouble for me."

"Come now, you had better keep your
thanks until you are well out of this scrape.
I have seen all the senators and they seem
to be equally divided for and against you,
so that Townsend's election is absolutely
necessary."

"Who else will run for senator ?" asked
Reggie.

"Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you that.
The other side will vote for Borden."

" That's bad news. I always hated that
man, and I guess he was not over fond of
me. He is a low, mean sort of a fellow."

"Yes, I know," answered MacMaster,
"and he has a strong pull with the ouden's.
But he won't stand the ghost of a show.
Now I must go and canvass some more

122 AMHERST LIFE.

votes. So I'll see you later." And with
this assurance MacMaster left his friend to
relight his pipe.

The next day came and with it the sopho-
more election. The chapel was filled with
the members of the class, but there was not
the usual laughing and bluffing. The boys
felt the importance of the meeting. They
knew the effect that their votes would have
on Reggie's happiness, and, though he was
well liked, all were indignant at the hazing
that had been done; the sentiment of the
class was against it, and the boys had de-
cided to vote as they believed their class-
mate deserved.

As Bill MacMaster entered the room arm
in arm with Townsend, he was greeted with
a cheer. But he took little notice of the
greeting, and sat down apparently in anxious
thought. A little later, a short, thick-set
man entered the room amidst applause al-
most as loud as that which had greeted
MacMaster and Townsend. In acknowl-
edgement of the applause he bowed his
large head with its matted covering of
black, curly hair, and smiled with a look of
superiority.

It was Alvan Borden, the other candidate.

AMHERST STORIES. 1 23

His coarse features were full of character,
and his small, dark eyes twinkled from
shaft-like depths. One could see at first
sight the power and ability of the man ;
yet it seemed ability more for the bad than
for the good.

Since he had thought it would be awk-
ward, if not indelicate, Thompson did not
come to the meeting.

When the room was well filled, MacMas-
ter arose and called the meeting to order,
and they proceeded to the election of the
senator.

Besides Townsend and Borden there was
one other nominee. The informal ballot
was collected, and showed forty-six votes
for Townsend, for Borden thirty-seven,
and a few for the third man. This result
made MacMaster feel assured, as he called
gayly for the second ballot, that Townsend
would be elected. But then the votes were
again collected, and the secretary read,
"Townsend has forty-seven votes, and
Borden fifty. Mr. Borden is elected."

This time MacMaster looked around
helplessly. He felt that his chum's last
chance was gone. He had not expected
defeat, and it was some time before his

124 AMHERST LIFE.

feelings allowed him to ask: " Is there any
further business ? "

The same evening the meeting of the
senate was held, and both Reginald and
the victim of the hazing appeared.

Again the freshman told the story of the
hazing, and accused Reginald of being one
of his tormentors, and again the sophomore
denied the charge, but acknowledged that
he had no proof. "Very well," said the
president, who presided over the meeting;
**if you have nothing else to say in your
defense, you may withdraw to the next
room and await the decision of the senate."
Reginald went out and threw himself down
on one of the hard wooden benches. He
knew too well what the decision would be,
for since Borden had been elected senator
he had given up even the faintest hope.
He was younger and more sensitive than
most of his fellows. Some men in his posi-
tion would have shown boastful indifference
which they would have mistaken for manli-
ness. But not so Reginald; he dreaded
the results and longed for some proofs of
his innocence. Thoughts of the disgrace
and of his father's disappointment jostled
through his brain. Why did not those who

AMHERST STORIES. 125

had really done the deed acknowledge it
and free him from the punishment ? Then
his thoughts wandered to facing the de-
cision, but a few moments off, and he deter-
mined to meet it as firmly as possible. He
would be ashamed to show any weakness.
So he mustered up his courage and waited
patiently. It was only a few minutes later
that he heard the latch behind him turn, and
looking around he saw Borden's massive,
ugly head poked through the half-opened
door,

**The president sent me to summon the
culprit to reappear before the meeting," said
the senator jeeringly. "Will you kindly
follow ? "

Reginald bit his lips and followed, but
his resolve not to flinch was strong, and
he stood before the president's desk with-
out wavering.

Then the president said: "Reginald
Thompson, the senate has decided that
on account of your actions against the
freshman whom you hazed you are un-
worthy to be any longer a member of this
college. Hereafter you will attend none of
the recitations or exercises."

Reginald turned and was just walking

126 AMHERST LIFE.

toward the door when it flew open, and in
rushed MacMaster, followed by another
man. The class president was excited and
he evidently brought news. His eyes were
flashing, his cheeks were reddened with
running, and a smile of exultation touched
his lips. Then, remembering the decorum
proper before the president, he checked
himself and said, as calmly as his excite-
ment would allow, ** Mr. President, excuse
my interruption; I hope that you have not
yet voted upon this matter, for I have
found a witness."

" I am very glad to hear it," replied the
president, **for we want all possible light.
What has the witness to say ? It is not too
late, if it is anything of importance."

The newcomer stepped forward and,
after a moment's hesitation, addressed the
president: "As I was hurrying to catch
a train on last Friday evening I heard the
watchman shouting, ' Stop those fellows !
Stop them ! ' and at the same time two
college men ran past me at full speed. I
had only just time enough to catch my
train, so, without taking much notice of the
trouble, I hurried on. To-day, when I re-
turned from my trip, I found the whole

AMHERST STORIES. 127

college talking about some hazing that had
been done on the evening when I left town;
I found that Thompson of the sophomore
class had been accused of being one of the
culprits, and that as such he was to be ex-
pelled from college. I asked for particu-
lars, and it was proved to me that the two
men who ran past me as I was going to my
train last week were the very ones who had
done the hazing. Reginald Thompson,
sir, — " the last sentence was said very de-
liberately,— " Reginald Thompson was not
one of these two."

The whole room had been perfectly quiet
while the testimony was being given, and
when it was finished there was a look of
relief upon the faces of all, with one ex-
ception. The president smiled with satis-
faction, for he had been troubled through-
out the affair by the steady denial of the
supposed culprit; and most of the senators
shared his feelings, even those who had
voted against Thompson, Alvan Borden
alone did not feel the universal pleasure.
If one had watched him while the witness
had been speaking, one would have seen
how those deep-sunken eyes flashed with
hate, and how he longed to pounce like

128 AMHERST LIFE.

a tiger upon the witness and stop his testi-
mony. But no one noticed him, and when
the witness had finished and all eyes turned
toward the president, the senator's, too,
followed in forced composure.

Then the president, remembering his
duty, asked of the witness: ** Since Mr.
Thompson was not one of the two men
whom you met, can you tell us who they
were ?"

" One of them I refuse to name," was
the reply, "for the punishment of the
other will be enough for a precedent. He
was Mr. Borden."

If the meeting had been surprised when
Reginald had been proved not guilty, it
was still more so at this sudden accusation
of the real culprit, and all looked toward
Borden, expecting on his part at least a
denial of the allegation. But they were
disappointed, for, with a look of dogged
indifference, he waited silently until the
president had asked: "Do you acknowl-
edge these things, Mr. Borden ? "

Then indeed his sullen eyes flashed in
their deep sockets, and, since he saw that
denial was useless, he answered, "I do."
Alfred Roelker, Jr., '95.

AMHERST STORIES. 129

SAWYER'S HOLIDAY.

When we asked Sawyer to go with us for
a " quiet little time " on Mountain Day he
refused. It is unnecessary to say that we
were greatly surprised. For heretofore
Sawyer had been the most anxious of us all
to go off for a celebration; it had always
been Sawyer who had taken the leading part
at such times — and Sawyer had always felt
the worst the next day.

So when he refused — and his language
was not uncertain — we knew there must be
some strong reason for his decision. ** Go-
ing somewhere else ? " asked Tomkins.
**No; got to stay right here in Amherst
all day," "Hang the money; your credit
is still good with me," said Badger.
" 'Taint money, Badge, old boy. Thanks
very much, — no, I don't mind borrowing
a little more, — but I have to be here — fact
is, fellows, I am going to work all day."

To such a declaration as that from
Sawyer we could make no immediate reply.
It was as though the sun should rise over
Northampton some morning and pass across

130 AMHERST LIFE.

the heavens eastward, settling behind the
Pelham hills at night, in which case we
feel very sure language would fail to ex-
press our consternation. And thus we were
at first dumfounded at Sawyer's words.

It was natural, however, that we should
all try to offer some explanation for Sawyer's
conduct, ** Crazy," said Badger, "Look-
ing for a three," disdainfully remarked
Tomkins. " Getting pious, more likely,"
said I, **No, it isn't any of those things,
fellows. I'll tell you; you see, here it is
senior year and I have not done any work
since winter term sophomore year. I have
a lot of things to pass off, and I don't want
to leave them all till senior vacation — they
might interfere with class-supper. So I'm
going to stay home Mountain Day and
get some of them up. I think there are
seven in all, and I guess I can nail four of
of them on that day."

This explanation from Sawyer we all con-
sidered insufficient.

"Why, I've got six myself, old man,"
said Tomkins, " and I'm going to leave
them till some Sunday next term. Besides
it's our last Mountain Day, Jack, and we
ought to celebrate."

AMHERST STORIES. 131

But it was all of no use, and so we went
without Sawyer, missing him every moment
of the day and half wishing we had stayed
at home.

And this is the way Sawyer kept Moun-
tain Day.

He set his alarm clock at five-thirty, so
that he could do his mathematics before
breakfast. Then during the forenoon he
was going to write nine essays for the
rhetoric department — essays for which he
had no time when they were due. That
would leave the afternoon for fall term's
physics, and in the evening he could easily
read over a term's German. It all seemed
very easy, and I am convinced that Sawyer
really thought he would enjoy the day as
much as though he went with us.

When the alarm went off at half-past five
Sawyer thought of his resolutions and got
right up. It was an entirely new experi-
ence for him to do any work before break-
fast, but after a few unnecessary prelimi-
naries, which included a walk around the
common, he considered himself ready for
work. By breakfast time he had reviewed a
quarter of the mathematics and was tired,
but encouraged. After breakfast he started

132 AMHERST LIFE.

directly for his room, but, remembering
that he expected a letter, he changed his
mind and went to the post-office. As he
was coming away from the office he met
Jones, who asked him to have a game of
billiards. Jones was the man who had
beaten him twice within a week; Sawyer
had been waiting for a chance to play with
him again, for he disliked to remember an
unavenged defeat from so unpopular a man
as Jones. But it was out of the question
for him to play then; so he answered,
** Sorry, but I am very busy to-day, Jones —
some other time."

Jones looked rather surprised and smiled
a little. Sawyer recognized the weakness
of his excuse, and so, as Jones was turning
away, he ran over the situation in his own
mind. "The math, is practically done; I
can do those essays in three hours, and
that will leave plenty of time for the
German. Besides, I've studied three
hours already this morning and am tired.
I guess a little recreation will clear up my
head — I don't want to get sick studying."
So he called to Jones and said he did have
time, after all. This seemed more satis-
factory to Jones, and so they went up to

AMHERST STORIES. 133

the hotel. The result of it was that Jones
won the first two games, and only by the
most careful kind of play did Sawyer get
the next three. When they had finished it
was eleven o'clock, and Sawyer hurried to
his room to begin on the rhetoric. At his
room he found the morning paper and he
smoked a p.ipe over that, saying to himself,
** A fellow can't afford to get behind on the
questions of the day — especially just before
election."

By dinner time he had written one of
those nine essays, and had decided the
theme of another one. He and Wilkins
were the only ones at dinner, — everyone
else was observing the day.

**What 've you been doing this morning.
Sawyer ? — haven't seen you at all," said
Wilkins.

"No, I've been working ever since five
o'clock this morning; I'm tired as the
deuce, too. I never knew before how much
a fellow could do in a day; I've practically
made up a term's math, and a term's
rhetoric."

"Oh, yes; when a fellow applies himself
he can do a lot of work in a few hours.
Going away this afternoon ?"

134 AMHERST LIFE.

"No; going to finish up the day as I've
begun it."

After dinner Sawyer went directly to his
room and filled his pipe. He reviewed the
situation again: "I 'can finish the essays
in another hour, and get the German out
before supper. Then what will I do this
evening ? Oh ! yes, physics. That will
take fully two hours. Guess I ought to
have a little nap — can work better after it."

So he got onto the window-seat and took
a nap which lasted till after three. He was
wakened by a rap at the door which proved
to be by a boy with a special delivery letter.
The letter bore the postmark Northampton,
and was as follows :

" My Dear Mr. Sawyer :

" My roommate was agreeably surprised
this noon to receive a telegram from her
friend Mr. Blewes of Yale, saying that he
would call this afternoon. As it is impos-
sible for us to get a team, we are going to
have a little tea this afternoon about five,
and we want you to make the fourth one.
You can readily see that the tea will be a
complete failure without you — for three is a
very ugly number. So please come — if you

AMHERST STORIES. 135

don't I'll never I expect you without

fail.

*' As ever, most cordially yours,

" Grace Talmadge.
** Smith College, Thursday noon."

Of course Sawyer's first thought was to
go over. Then he remembered that he had
a little work to do, and the result was a
burst of profanity which was by no means
mild. But it was far from natural that any-
thing should stand in Sawyer's way when
this particular young lady was concerned.
And he reasoned it all out this way : " I've
done the math, and rhetoric; there was
really only one thing I didn't understand in
that physics, and I can get that up after I
get back to-night. It will be easy to bluff
the German. So I have already done prac-
tically everything I had planned for to-day.
Besides, my head aches and I feel a little
feverish — staying in doors too much, I
guess. That is a mighty pleasant note
from Grace — er — from Miss Talmadge, I
mean. I'll have to drive over, won't I ?
Wonder if I'd better take up some flowers —
very informally; white roses I guess — no,
pink ; those go better with her complexion.

136 AMHERST LIFE.

It's lucky I stayed home to-day. Glad I
did all my work this forenoon — it pays not
to put things oif."

As he was thinking the situation over to
himself in this way he had already begun to
dress, meantime whistling the classic which
tells of O'Grady's swimming abilities.

Sawyer's toilet was unusually elaborate
that afternoon, but in due course of time he
might have been seen going toward the
livery stable. Although it was Mountain
Day he was able to get a team, by means of
which one hour later he was in Northamp-
ton. The walk up Elm Street was not as
interesting as usual, because there were
fewer maidens to watch him from behind
half-opened shutters or partly drawn cur-
tains. But the end in view made the walk
even under these depressing conditions far
from unpleasant. They were waiting for
him and She was radiant. The chaperon
was not bad — the best thing about her
(so Sawyer thought) was that she was
called out soon after he arrived and that
she came back only in time to say good-
night, two hours later. Of course they
were all glad he came; Blewes and the
roommate because now Miss Talmadge

AMHERST STORIES. 137

would not be in their way, and Miss Tal-
madge herself because she was no longer
an odd one. She told Sawyer how she had
worried lest he should not come, and how
awfully provoking it would have been ; —
all of which Sawyer considered personal.
Then he told her how he had worked all
day long from five o'clock till the time he
received her note, a little after four, and
how he had hurried to get over in time; all
of which Miss Talmadge said was awfully
hard luck. Then Sawyer went on to say
that he was glad it was senior year, as he
was getting very tired with all the work he
had on hand, and he was anxious to get
into business. And Miss Talmadge agreed
that he looked tired and that doubtless a
change would do him a great deal of good.
Blewes and the roommate seemed to be
very well acquainted, and for the most part
they confined their conversation to them-
selves. The time went very swiftly because
pleasantly, until Sawyer heard the clock
strike six. Then he made a movement to
go, saying that he had some work for the
evening, but the girls would not listen to
such an excuse. After that Sawyer told
her that he and some friends were going to

138 AMHERST LIFE.

give a german in a few weeks and he would
like to have her attend. Of course she
blushed and thanked him, saying that he
was very kind, and that if he was sure he
wanted her she thought perhaps she could
arrange it. And Sawyer said of course she
was the one he wanted and that he should
have absolutely no pleasure if she did not
go. So she promised and they shook hands
on it, prolonging the handshake a few
moments till Blewes turned to ask Sawyer
about Amherst's football team.

But at last it was time to go, as Blewes
had to catch a train. Sawyer told the
chaperon (who had come in a little while
before) that they had missed her greatly,
and that they were sorry she had been
called away. Then he reminded Miss Tal-
madge of her promise and they said good-
night all around. Sawyer and Blewes
walked down town together and parted by
the post-office. Sawyer felt too well
satisfied with the world in general and with
himself and Miss Talmadge in particular to
go home and to work again. He reasoned
that after such a jolly time as he had just
been having a little celebration was neces-
sary. So he hunted up some of the boys

AMHERST STORIES. 139

(it was not a difficult task, for he knew
where to search for them) and the evening
passed very quickly. It was twelve instead
of eight o'clock when Sawyer got to his
room. By that time he had forgotten all
about the work he had planned, and so he
went to bed.

The next day Sawyer asked us if we had
a good time. We said that of course we
did. Whereat he replied, "I'm mighty
sorry I couldn't be with you, boys, but still
I'm glad I stayed at home, for you see I
made up practically four conditions, and
now I'm sure of my diploma."

And ever since that day Sawyer has borne
witness to the theory that the only condi-
tion necessary to the accomplishment of
hard work is conscientious application.

Chas. Amos Andrews, '95.

THIS BOOK WAS MADE BV

FREDERICK H. HITCHCOCK
NEW YORK

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