THE
UTO GUEST BOOK
OF MOBILE MAXIMS
ETHEL WATTS -MUMFORD GRANT
&> RICHARD BUTLER GLAENZER
RESPONSIBLE
THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES
:he cop!
i!!!...!
Sing a song of ex-pense
(Pockets full of rye),
Four and twenty law suits,
If you live or die.
THE
AUTO GUEST BOOK
BEING THE MAXIMS OF
PUNBAD THE RAILER
GA RAJA OF THE PUN-
JOB, VICE-ROYSTERER
OF
RENDERED INTO
THE VERNACULAR AND
HIGHLY DECORATED
BY
ETHEL WATTS-MUMFORD GRANT
# RICHARD BUTLER GLAENZER
PAUL ELDER AND COMPANY
SAN FRANCISCO AND NEW YORK
Copyright, 1906
fey Paul Elder and Company
Acknowledgment is due
The Century Magazine
The Outing and Town Topics
for their permission to
reprint a. number of
the following
maxims
The Tomoye Pres
The chariots shall rage in
the streets, they shall justle one
against. another in the broadways;
they shall seem like torches,
they shall fun like the
lightnings.
Nahum ii: 4.
665858
Such is the passing auto:
a honk a g-r-r-r-r a whizz a
whiff a whir-r-r!
The Hippophiliana ofPunbad
the Railer, xiii: 23.
HERE BEGINNETH THE
MAXIMS OF PUNBAD
THE RAILER**
The horse goeth not ten parasangs an hour,
neither doth he explode.
t''i
'/
*-
Time:
Place:
Cast:
x:
*&&
* x ,rv\
.' v-/>;'^
i?.4;
uir*l J x . f .' jc 1 ? * ^ - y '
W'^^QHts
^Tf^?
Though thou swear by
thine auto seven times, the eighth thou wilt
swear at it: that is Kismet
Time :
Place
Cast:
To lie is beneath contempt, but to lie beneath
one's auto is contemptible.
Tarry when chased, ye may repent at
seizure.
Time:
Place:
Cast:
To speed is human; to be caught is fine!
.f^y'' y> V
i~\~*''~f' . (-. . ;)*; ,
Place:
Cast:
And who tempers the wind to the sore
and damned?
Time:
Place
Cast:
A broken mirror is a sign
of approaching misfortune especially if
it fall in thy path.
They that are slain by the auto, die not in
the odour of sanctity.
Time:
Place
Cast:
*fe
Judge not an auto by its smell: all com
parisons are odorous.
If thou runnest across a friend cut him
not lest thou skid
Time :
Place
Cast:
Today thou ridest
in thine integrity; tomorrow may discover
thee a man of parts.
It is a short ride that hath no mending.
Time : Place :
Cast:
A rolling stone corrupts good language.
"c-'XV
rsffe-S-'
. .A ^? *
All that glitters does not go.
Time:
Place ,
Cast:
i 7 .
las?
^
^S5ET1
A steep hill and a broken axle
will bring thee nearer to Heaven than an
unbroken word and a life of good deeds.
Place:
Cast:
Keep thy lamps lit and so avoid litigations.
Time: Place:
Cast:
So near and yec chauffeui i
Lo! it is said
of the scorcher: He is between the devil
and the steep fee!
By their toots ye shall know them.
Time:
Place:
Cast:
Approach railroads warily, lest they lead
thee to Heaven.
'ffi$**ifaf&^\' ^i ~* -ife X \ V; ***&$&
^Iv*-'* 1 * -vT ^&$^ " A. '^<TV^ 1 ^
^' s lr ^ juM&k V ^A^
Oils well that ends well.
Time :
Place
Cast:
Time:
One tires of
the policeman's pinch, but when the shoe
pinches, one retires.
Place:
Cast:
.*3rffaw
i** 1 ^
f
AK&
$M
.' ',>/;/;'<
pfn
/I... I **
Wiser than his own
generation is he who knoweth liis auto.
HE IS A PROPHET.
If it be scorching in August,
scorch in thine auto and thou wilt be cooled:
this is a true principle of homeopathy.
An auto at speed is a fiend indeed.
Time : Place :
Cast:
As a man, bless thou
the name of Adam ; but as an autoist, the
name of Macadam.
Though thine auto
show the strength of two- score horse,
keep one more in thy stalls.
Time:
Cast:
Place
Though a man's word of honour
be very precious unto him, his word to his
Honour is not worth the $10.00.
Place:
Cast:
,r: ^
Say not, "We shall return at five": ye
may return at sixes and sevens.
Time :
Place
Cast:
Behold, the maxims of the land are
like unto those of the sea- "Speak not to
the man at the wheel!" (Tell it not
unto the marines ! )
Place :
Cast:
Hamper not thy
hampers with a beer ; behold, thy bier
awaiteth thee!
Time:
Place
Cast:
hr)
Take care of
the pennies, the garage will take care
of the dollars.
Give not thine
auto a name; thy neighbors will name
it for thee.
Time : Place :
Cast:
Why raise thine eyes
to the weather-cock, when thou
hast a nose for the
passing auto ?
If possession be nine points of the law,
self-possession is the tenth.
In thy speed, mock not the gentle cow ; the
cow-catcher may catch thee.
Time : Place :
Cast:
It is nicer to hitch
your wagon to a star than to hitch your
car to a wagon.
Remember, never to mend too late!
Time : Place
Cast:
Select thy chauffeur among the
snub-nosed; for it is said that garage per-
quisites run at ten perls) cent
Time:
Place:
Cast:
; VA.H;<J
r/" : : JILT IJMIII JMIII i u
' . m^P^K
\ ,* > : '%^lv' ! .^ I; W
* *i j^l (u*
^-v% \
\ V> ..."cJA
) to^^" J
A pleasant ride
is termed a spin, and not infrequently is
a yarn attached thereto.
Time:
Place
Cast:
Little ditches causs big fears.
Broker, see that thy brake break not, lest
thou be broken.
Time: Place
Cast:
r\ s
\- \i y-
i ^
No marvel if thou be among them who
have mistaken "gaol" for "goal."
Haste makes "chased."
Time: Place
Cast:
The chauffeur's maxim: Better never
than late!
Uneasy flies the head at which
^swears a town.
Time :
Place
Cast:
Spare the oil and spoil tharide.
Place
Cast,
An auto-mobile is the irony of etymology.
Time : Place :
Cast:
A necessary repair is like
a needle in a haystack. Pay up stoically,
but do not hope to find it
A fair exchange is no garage.
Time:
Place :
Cast:
His Honour hath profit in the
touring country !
A trained hand is best with a train at hand.
Autos, alas, may not be counted as
"blessings without number."
Time : Place :
Cast:
There is but ONE make of
motor-cars: THINE OWN. The rest are
a lot of Queer Machines on
four "wheels.
Place
Casf:
A well-tired auto
is like a well-attired woman ; nor do its
fashions change less often.
Time:
Place ,
Cast:
Pity not thy horse, which
can boast both sire and dam ; thine auto hath
no damn but thine to comfort it.
There's many a nip on an auto trip.
Time: Place:
Cast:
An auto is not without odour save in
its own front seat.
t'''i
P/ace:
Cast:
A fool and his tonneau are soon carted.
Time : Place :
Cast:
IV-
None are so fined as those who don't flee.
Where law ends, speed really begins.
Time : Place :
Cast:
Money frees the route of all evil.
Place:
At thy highest speed
outstrip not the water-wagon : rock and
rye go too often together.
Time:
Place
Cast:
if
w
Drive not twice into a hearse,
lest thou continue thy journey in it Once
is but a rehearsal.
~/*>
Place:
A race of autos doth breed disaster.
Time : Place :
Cast:
Smell is braved with good inventions.
Once a man blew his own horn in
his vanity ; now he bloweth it in his auto,
yea, also is he hailed wise.
Time:
Cast:
Place
IS"
T '*
A
Where there's a bill there's
a way.
Less dangerous for thee
is a road full of frisky horses, than a tummy
full of ponies of brandy.
Place:
Cast:
Where wigs are found amiss, 'tis goggles
that disguise.
Time :
Place ,
Cast:
Blessed be the pace-maker, for he shall ride
in no man's dust.
An auto that rattles is like
a fool that prattles : an abomination to the
soul and a vexation to the ear.
Time:
Place
Cast:
Hide not thy light
under a bushel, or thou wilt find thyself
in a peck of trouble.
In the morning slow thy speed, and in the
evening withhold thine hand.
Time :
Place ,
Cast:
Of thy chauffeur, tell the truth; it won't
shame the devil.
When thine auto is "out for
repairs," stay thou at home and so spare
thy chauffeur the embarrassment
of an encounter.
Time:
Place
Cast:
A motorphobe and a motorphile
are the same man before and after his first
motor ride.
Place:
Cast:
Though you can't make a man drink, you
may lead him to auto.
Time:
Cast:
Place
It requires all the sand and
rocks of the vernacular to overcome the
rocks and sand of the subvehicular
but the judge gets the dust!
Time:
Place:
Cast:
' j
jj-'i^f :?*-*
Celerity is the mother
of prevarication; yea, the truth corneth
harder than a flint road.
Time:
Place ,
Cast:
Favour wealth and
old age in thy victims: for so will
the heirs behold in thee
an instrument of
Providence.
In this is an auto like a
maid: if she cannot be led to spark, there
is no "go" in her.
Consider the
autos of the heir: they toil not and yet
do they spin.
Time:
Place
Cast:
If a passer-by console thee with
"Get a horse," smile upon him ; but remem-
ber to get his in thy next
"mix-up." *
Gabriel's horn is already becoming the
horn of plenty.
Time : Place :
Cast:
More fatal is a loose tire than
a tight chauffeur; also, thou mayest make
way for the latter, but the former may
only make way with thee.
Place:
One "if" is there, which remains uncondi-
tional the cher-if. :i:
* See Ollendorf.
Time
Place:
Cast:
There is a moral as well as
a verbal difference between autograph and
auto-graft: the one is longhand,
the other underhand.
Far better a dead chauffeur than one who is
"half shot"
Time : Place :
Cast:
" 1*
K^/SO" ^' ft
If thou ride through
a French village, thou wilt find that a pig
is a poke !
Better a horse
with a dinner of herbs than a stalled
auto and contention.
Time :
Place
Cast:
Of thy neighbor's auto: A hitching line
saves time!
Two things doth the autoist
leave always behind him : his common sense
and the commoner scent of gasoline.
Time:
Place
Cast:
Dust under dust and still more
dust to fare,
Sans wine, sans dinner, and sans
all save swear.
A girl in the auto is worth two in the push.
Better a live dodger than a dead scion.
Time : Place :
Cast:
He jests at cars who never rode around.
If thine auto offend thee,
take it out and cast it from thee, lest speedily
thou be cast from it
Time
Place
Cast:
Always too slow for the chauffeur, no mat-
ter how rapid the pace;
Always too fast for the public, who consider
two autos a race.
2__~2*
:-.'
A of detention does not produce a
tonneau-cure.
Time :
Place
Cast:
Of thine own auto : Take it an inch and it
gives thee a smell.
Lots of little autos,
Brains of little sand,
Make a big commotion
In a peasant land.
Time :
Place .
Cast:
-A
Remember to pour oil on troubled autos.
Many who think they're off, remain
to stay.
Time : Place :
Cast:
Punctu(r)ality is the thief of time.
Verily, warily, / say unto you ! (And don't
you forget it. )
Time :
Place
Cast:
Thrice sober though thou be,
if thou find another empty tank thou
shalt become too full for
utterance.
Place:
Cast:
The last auto in the race : All is lost
save odour.
Time:
Cast:
Place ,
A dog in the manger may be mean, but far meaner is a
dog in the road.
One or more entire fingers $300 00
One or more entire toes 400 00
Dislocation of shoulder 200 00
Dislocation of elbow 200 00
Dislocation of wrist 250 00
Dislocation of hip 600 00
Dislocation of knee 300 00
Dislocation of ankle 300 00
Dislocation of two or more toes .... 100 00
Dislocation of fingers 100 00
For complete fracture of bones :
Of the skull, both tables 650 00
Of the lower jaw 150 00
Of the clavicle (collar bone) 300 00
Of the pelvis 500 00
Of the thigh ... .... 600 00
Of the leg 400 00
Of the patella (knee cap) 400 00
Of the arm, between elbow and shoulder . . SOO 00
Of the forearm, between wrist and elbow . . 300 00
Of two or more ribs 200 00
Of the foot 250 00
Of the hand 250 00
Of two or more toes 200 00
Of two or more fingers 200 00
Loss both hands 11000 00
Loss both feet 11000 00
Loss both eyes 11000 00
Loss one hand . . . . . . . 5500 00
Loss one foot 5500 00
Loss of time (not exceeding two hundred weeks) accord-
ing to occupation.
Accidental death 11000 00
A tonneau is a tight squeeze surrounded by leather.
( Take thy seat and halve it, too ! i
EXPENSE ACCOUNT
Car No.-
To Car ( initial cost )
Local Licenses .......
Chauffeur, his salary [ ! ]
Chauffeur, his " wet dinners " ....
Sundry repairs according to chauffeur .
Sundry repairs according to fact
Chickens, a la roue
Fuel
Widows and orphans
Sheriffs sub rosa ... .
Long Island villages
Dogs and mongrels . . . .
Tools, bandages, plasters, etc
Fines
Wounded and maimed ....
.
Goggles, caps, coats, etc. .....
Veils ( in style ) .......
Tow fares
Carried forward
All flesh is grass, but think not therefore that it
needeth cutting.
EXPENSE ACCOUNT
Brought forward .
To Pigs, an Macadam
Bribes
Geese, with two wings .
Geese, without two wings
Blackmail
Non-skidding devices
Searchlights ( the latest ! )
Booze
Hospital
Trained nurse
Breach of promise . .
Car fares
Total
For ye the Book of the Law beginneth with Revelation
and endeth with Judges and Lamentations
ADVERTISEMENTS
DR. PUNBAD'S FAKINA
THE BOON OF
MANKIND
Guaranteed to allay, alleviate, and dissipate
Automobiliousness, Cussitis,
Slocomotor Ataxia, Pneumatics, Sighatica, Rumbago,
Hippophobia, and every form of Jim-jams
Prepared and dispensed by the Wizard of
Medicine, Swami Kwikicuranda Punbad,
Q. E. D., D. V., Cousin to his Royal High-
ness, The Vice - Roysterer of Notsopoor.
Price, $5.00. Sold in quart bottles only. The case
of a dozen for $55.00
Literature Supplied on Application to
THE PUNBAD BARMICIDICAL CO.
49 Kilcutta Street, Kilcutta, Punjob
The Chauffeur's ghost: To go like the devil, is good; to
have gone for good, is the devil!
ADVERTISEMENTS
TRADE MARK TRADE MARK
Mme. Loop de Gappe's
Carefully Concocted
Cooling, Comforting Cucumber
REGISTERED Cold CrC^ITl REGISTERED
The Autoists' Auxiliator
Deadly Dust and Disastrous Dirt
Directly Discharged
Redness, Roughness and Rinkles Readily
Removed, Relieved or
Reduced
Try It! Try It! Try It!
Mme. Oiloisa Loop de Gappe
Room 39, St. Vitus Arcade, New York
$2.00 in porcelain jars. $122.00 in jade jars. Express charges extra.
3V Grant -
1023 Vhe auto guest
GV
1023
376a
