BEASTS AT LAW,
ZOOLOGIAN JURISPilVX>iENCE
A POEM,
SATIRICAL, ALLEGORICAL, AJYD MORAL.
IN THREE CANTOS.
TRANSLATED FROM THE ARABIC OF
SAMPFILIUS PHILOERIW, Z. Y. X. W. ?c. ^c.
"yThose Fables have made so much noise in the East, and whose fame h
eclipsed that of JEsop.
WITH NOTES AND ANNOTATIONS.
BY SAMUEL JVOODlVORTJf.
* I call no man an Ape or Ass,
'Tis his own conscience holds the glass/'
MEW-YORK:
PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY J. HARMER ; C0,
A'o, 35 .Vassa
1811.
Districf of New-York, ss.
##*#
^* * # Be it Remembered, that on the thirteenth clay
* L. s. *of September, in the thirty -sixth year of the In-
# * dependence of the United States of America,
%* ## * DAVID H. REINS, of the said district, hath
deposited in this office the title of a Book, the right where
of he claims as proprietor, in the words following 1 , to wit :
'' Beasts at Law, or Zoologian Jurisprudence ; a Poem, Satiri-
ral, Allegorical, and Mor.J. In three Cantos. Translated
from the Arabic of Sampfilius Philoerin, Z. Y. X. W. &.c. &c.
v/hose Fables have made so much noise in the East, and whose
f.iine has eclipsed thatofJEsop: With Notes and Annota
tions: By Samuel \V~oo Jworth.
"1 call no man an Ape or Ass,
'Tis his own conscience holds the glass."
In conformity to the act of the congress of the United
States, entitled "An act for the encouragement of learning,
fry securing the copies of maps, charts, and books to the au
thors and proprietors of such copies, during the time therein
mentioned." And also to an act, entitled "An act supple
mentary to an act, entitled an act for the encouragement of
learning, by securing the copies of maps, charts, and books
to the authors and proprietors of such copies, during the
times therein mentioned, and extending the benefits thereof
to she arts of designing, engraving, and etching historical and
other prints." CHARLES CLINTON,
Clerk of the District of New -York.
TRIAL,
PRESENT,
LEO.,. .the Lion, - - - Vicegerent^
APER....the Boar, j d
TiGKis..,,the liger, 5
COUNSEL.
For the Prosecution.
URSi-s.,..the Bear.
I* AU D us... .the Panther.
EQJJ o s....the Horse.
MARTEs....the Martin.
CERVus....the Stag-.
THE BEASTS
For the Defendant.
LEOPARDUS.. .the Leopard,
DAM A. ...the Buck.
VERT AGVS... the Greyhound,
REYNARD... .the Fox.
On trial. Indictment,
Assault and Battery %
CAXIS. 3 On CAPRA.
Jurors sworn twelve Bulls.
Evidence for the Beasts.
Cap the Goat. j! Jlnla vi;e Mule's mats,
flshi-us the Ass. *1n old Fox, and
Mulus the Mule. Ten others.
Evidence for
First Day.
Or in the Sheep.
\'iag the Magpie.
Poll the Parrot.
C'Anmba the Pig-eon.
Pahunbes the Ringdove.
The Goose.
Carditelis the Goldfinch.
The Partridge.
Slier ula the Blackbird.
Penelope the Widgeon.
J\fonedula the Duw.
A 't.iniidica the Turkey.
The Mockbird.
The Grouse.
The Weasle.
The Mouse.
the Defendant.
Second Day,
The Moose.
Hubecula the Redbreast.
Gallinago the Snipe.
Scalopax the Woodcock,
Corniculvs the Rabbit.
Erinacevs the Hedgehog;
The Opossum.
The Rat.
The Sparrow.
The Woodpecker,
The Quail.
The Fen-it.
Beasts alluded to in the Poem.
Fe 7 is the Cut.
la -ho Bitch.
Scrofa the Sow.
Goat
.in .date'ope, and
A Deer,
THE ARGUMENT.
The beginning* The subject proposed, in a dedication to
the Lion The Mammoth, with the municipal and judicial
regulations of his kingdom, and the moral rectitude of his
subjects CANIS, the Shepherd, his character and popu
larity Sheep washing CAP RA, a Goat, enters a complaint
against her shepherd for abusing his trust The grand jury,
on her evidence, find a bill against him Description of the
season, and the Lion's conch CAPRA petitions the Lion
that the cause may be tried before the Great Court, (small-
er matters being generally decided by arbitration) JACK-
ALL ordered to summon the members of the Great Court
to attend-The Court convened-Judges, marshals, jurors,
high -sheriff, &c. Ancient mode of opening court Attor
ney-general Indictment for assault and battery Defend
ant pleads not guilty Names and description of the coun
sel on both sides, with some anecdotes of their lives
Pleadings opened, on tiie part of the beasts, by URSUS, the
'Bear CAPRA examined by PARDUS, the PantherCross-
examined by REYNARD, the Fox-Defendant's case opened
by DA MA the Buck Names of witnesses for defendant
culled Witnesses sworn Ovis, an ewe, examined by DA-
MA Cross-examined by PARC us Court adjourn.
Scene Banks of the Missouri. Time seven hours.
* As it is said to be necessary for all things to have a begin-
mm?, a middle, and an end; and as I hate invocations or apos
trophes .f'f any Kind: I choose to bey in tvith "The beginning,"
BEASTS AT LAW.
A POEM,
IN' THREE CANTOS.
CANTO I.
$'ve seen two tetchy school-boys fight,
Till tears and blood obscured their sight ;
And then both enter their complaint,
And MASTER with the fact acquaint,
Who heard their stories long and ample,
Then floggM. them both for good example.
Author's .I
<f MORTALS, avaunt t" ye biped race,
Who boast an image, form, and face,
Of stamp divine I no more for you
I waste my breath and labor too ;
No more I sing to souls who scorn
The warblings of my vocal horn,
But wake for those the tuneful lay
Who heard when Orpheus deign'd to play
Who, charm'd, forgot their native choler,
And danced a hornpipe round Apollo.
Yes, 'tis for you, untutored tribes,
Whose plaudits are not won by bribes ;
It is for you, ye quadrup'd throng,
That I invoke the muse of song ;
That Fancy now extends her wings
And wantons o'er the silver strings,
B
6' BEASTS AT LAW.
AIM tuon, great LSQI T deign to hear
A strain unworthy of thine ear ;
Thou, from whose patriotic toil
This Eden-realm receives its smile ; 20
Whose generous paw supplies with food
Each den of misery in the wood ;
Who helps the weak, restrains the strong....
O listen to my humble song !
And while, from legal duties freed, 25
Keclining on the enamel'd mead,
Where flowery sweets obsequious spring....
Accept the offering which I bring ;
Receive my tributary strain,
And snake with joy thy shaggy mane, 30
Then roar thy gracious plaudits round,
Till distant echoes learn the sound.
Her beastly theme the blushing muse
Prays that its moral may excuse ;
For though her numbers may be rude, 35
She means them for the public good.
,To lash the fiend of folly hence,
"Expose the abject slave of sense,
Strip Virtue's garb from Vice's form,
Screen innocence from slander's storm, 40
Make mean revenge and malice know
.They slay themselves to wound their foe,
Shall be the object of her story,
Which dresses truth in allegory.
In early ages, (long before 45
Columbus sought the western shore)
Ere art had stript the sylvan plain
Beyond the Appal r.chiah chain :
BEASTS AT LAW. 7
Or man had taught the trade of blood
To the wild tenants of the wood ; 50
Near where Missouri's fountains play,
A Mammoth held his regal sway,
With policy correct and mild,
O'er every beast that trod the wild.
The last of all that mighty race 55
Whose relics now manure the place,
The monarch, in his great career,
Confess'd no rival or compeer.
His subjects view'd his matchless size,
Which spurn'd the earth and sought the skies, GO
And e'en the Lion stood in awe,
And view'd askance his kingly paw.
Where'er he moved, or south, or north,
lie seem'd a mountain stalking forth ;
Whene'er he drank, the rivers fled, 6j
And Mississippi left her bed ;
But when obeying nature's whim,
(For, just like us, she govern'd him)
Again the mighty borrowed floods
Resumed their place, or drown'd the woods. TO
The mountains tottered when he ctept,
And dew-drest forests, trembling, wept.
Such was the Mammoth, when he bore
The kingly rule, in days of yore;
When sa.age tribes his power beheld 73
And own'd him monarch of the field,
Beneath his strict but gentle sway,
His subjects seldom went astray ;
But beasts and birds enjoy'd repose.
Secured alike from wnrst and foes ; 80
3 BEASTS AT LAW.
In- safety cropp'd the verdant blade,
Or drank where gurgling streamlets stray f d j
Whilst strict observance of the laws
Their constitution kept from flaws ;
And none on flesh presumed to feed, $3
Save when the law bade felons bleed ;
And then the court would never fail
On such a banquet to regale.
The Lion, prince of noble blood,
Vicegerent of the kingdom stood; ( JO
And, as became his royal port,
The great high judge of every court.
*Twas his, unwarp'd by threats or bribes,
.To class the beasts in various tribes ;
Appoint their officers, to hold
A guardian watch in every fold ; 35
And, where injustice took effect,
The base procedure to correct.
Vices, in these old-fashioned times,
With vulgar brutes, were counted crimes j 100
And chastity was understood
As something laudable and good.
The males (our legend further says)
Were not such rakes as now-a-days :
The dog, for instance, ne'er went round 105
To kiss each wanton slut he found,
But to one mate each beast was stinted,
And was, 'tis said, with one contented.
Among the rest, a Mastiff, bold,
Was stationed to protect a fold ; 110
From every dangerous foe to keep
A, thrifty flock of Goats and Sheep,
BEASTS AT LAW.
Who had, for health and conscience's sake.
Been cleanly wash'd in Erie's lake.
While faithfully his post he kept,
They fed secure, and safely slept; ll$
And ne'er was shepherd more revered,
Beloved, and honored, by a herd.
But -while the trusty guardian grew
In favor both with ram and ewe, 120
A female Goat the Dog accuses,
And swears that he his trust abuses ;
Which charge she pledges to support,
When cali'd upon, before the court.
The jurors on the case confer, 125
And find a bill against the Cur.
'Twas summer, and the world was gay,
The zephyrs taught the leaves to play ;
The forest was arrayed in green,
And feathered songsters charm'd the scene.
The Lion on his couch reclined, 1 30
(A mound of turf, with flowers behind)
When GOAT'S petition was presented....
The prince perused it, and consented
His herald should a summons send
That all the learned court attend : 135
The JACKALL the commission took,
And at his call the forests shook.
The court were now convened in state
To enter on the grand debate ;
And beasts and birds of every size 140
Were throng'd around with staring eyes ;
The lordly Lion took the chair,
Whose smile was hope, whose frown" despair j
j'0 BEASTS AT LAW.
Before the terror of whose look
The savage tribes with tremor shook-
A Tuscan Boar upon his right,
Whose rage once put a host to flight,
Supports his prince ; at whose left hand
A royal Tiger takes his stand :
For here 'twas also understood 150
Judges should be of noble blood.
With bamboos arm'd, a Monkey band,
Assembled thick on every hand,
To summon witnesses, or keep
The peace between the dogs and sheep ; 152
.And twelve grave Bulls empannelled were
The jury in this grand affair ;
The Elephant, with lofty port,
High-sheriff of the noble court,
Conducted prisoner to the place, 160
To answer plaintiff in the case.
The judge, with magisterial growl>
.For order call'd, then bade the Owl
(The cryer and clerk) to open court
A xnd the impending cause report. 165
Cryer. " Whoo-hoo ! whoo-hoo ! whoo-hoo ! I call
Birds, Beasts, and Reptiles, one and all,
*Who*ve any suit to try or plead,
To name it ere the court proceed ;
To state each wrong, and cause of sorrow, 1 70
Or they may not be heard to-morrow. "
URSUS, the public prosecutor,
A subtle, deep, but calm disputer,
Arose with dignity and grace,
And thus explained the present case : i 75
BEASTS AT LA\V. 11
INDICTMENT.
" The jurors of the beasts present
On oath, that Dog had bad intent,
And mere than once presumed to leap
On plaintiff, while among the sheep.
July the first, two years ago, 180
Defendant first began to grow
Impertinent, and in the wood
Committed actions base and rude ;
And in and on her body fair,
.By force of paws, did then and there IS5
Beat, bruise, ill treat, assault, and so forth,
As plaintiff's evidence will show forth ;
And other wrongs and injuries,
Which modest goats must sure despise,
To plaintiff's damage and distress, ICO
I;or which she humbly prays redress.**
Count second states a like offence,
On March the first....fifteen months since j
To both of which defendant pleads
Not guilty" and the clerk proceeds, 195
The plaintiffs counsel to report,
And read their names before the court.
The Bear was foremost on the scroll,
From frozen regions near the pole,
But with acquirements great at least 00
.As those of any northern beast ;
And without tarnish on his name,
URSUS was not unknown to fame.
A Panther, next, espous'd her cause,
No novice in the school of laws ', 0.5
! BEASTS AT LAW.
But who deriv'd his greatest fame,
From ardour in pursuit of game ;
For PARDUS, fleetest of his race,
Was never known to yield the chase.
With him appeared a noble Steed, 210
Surpassing all Arabia's breed,
Who once had made a despot feel
An argument by dint of heel ;
Who spurn'd oppression's bit and rein.
And emigrated o'er the main ; 215
And here, the advocate of right,
EQUUS would never yield in fight.
A MARTIN followed on the list
The cause of virtue to assist ;
While, nodding graceful in the rear, 220
The antlers of a Stag appear,
Who, were he poised in even balance,
Would find his worth surpass his talents ;
While some of CERVUS boldly say,
His vanity would both outweigh. 225
These for the Goat. Who view'd the host
Thought the poor Mastiff's case was lost ;
And scarcely could refrain the tear,
Till his four champions' names they hear :
A Leopard, whose unspotted fame 230
Shed brilliant lustre on the name ;
Who never yet had moved a paw
To strain, pei vert, or twist the law ;
Stood first upon the catalogue
Of learned counsel for the Dog. , $33
The next, a Buck, of manners mild-
Though \y>th a disposition \yildj
LEASTS AT LA\V. 13
Who more than once, in mortal strife,
Had stood at bay and saved his life ;
And DAMA'S spunk was thought as good 240
As any Hare's in all the wood.
A matchless Greyhound next is named,
For honor, wit, and learning, famed,
Who, when by tyranny opprest,
Burst from his chains and sought the west ; 24 J
And here, when virtue wish'd a friend,
Was always foremost to defend ;
Ills temples bore the wreath of fame,
And faithful VERTAGUS his name.
Sly Reynard next, " though last not least," 2^0
As deep in law as any beast,
Completed the defendant's number,
As more would but the cause encumber.
Preliminaries being now
Adjusted, well as beasts knew how, 55
A motley host of evidence
For prosecution and defence,
Of beasts, and birds, and every thing
That moves a leg or spreads a wing,
(A picture true of Noah's ark) 60
Were ordered forward by the clerk.
These ushered in, spectators found
A station in the circle round,
Where all the curious ones convene
To hear and see, or to be seen. 265
What pains, ye gods ! both sexes took,
At Goat or Dog to have one look !
What winning airs the males assumed !
They strutted, prated; sv;orc and fumed:
14 BEASTS AT LAW.
Tried every art, and rack'd invention, 270
To catch the modest Goat's attention.
And then the females. ...how they simpered,
Ogled, whispered, smirk'd and whimpered I
How the little birds would rummage
To adjust their glossy pluriiage J 275
Then in wanton circles fly,
And each attractive movement try
To catch the mastiff's roving eye.
" The Goat, cries one, must be a brute, 280
60 sweet a Dog to prosecute.
Accuse the pretty cur of rudeness !
Why, the dear rogue's a lump of goodness ;
I'd not believe the Dog would do it,
Although I saw, and felt, and knew it."
" Order 1" the judge indignant roar'd.... 285
Order was at the word restored,
When URSUS- rose, stretch'd forth his paws,
And thus for plaintiff ope'd the cause :
" Respected members of the jury,
I rise reluctant, I assure you, 2CO
To unfold a blackened catalogue
Of actions that must damn the Dog.
Your os-ships are to hear a suit,
Brought by a harmless female brute,
For 'zault and battery by defendant, 2-95
Who guilty is you may depend on't.
The indictment charges him, we find,
With acts of that peculiar kind
Which law thus technically terms,
And, as you hear, the bill affirms 500
BEASTS AT LAW. 15
The acts were /wo, distinct in feature,
But just the same in grade and nature.
Perhaps no crimes more common are,
But still, the fame of this affair
Has spread so wide, that every beast 305
Must feel a little queer, at least.
No doubt, my lord, that some in court,
Are prejudiced by mere report ;
Those, in particular, who know
Of circumstances, long ago, 3 10
In which this Dog was implicated,
Am justly, too, I've heard it stated.
liiU still, my lord, we would assure you,
And allthe Bulls upon the jury,
That we most earnestly desire 315
Your prejudices may expire ;
Your prepossessions be discarded,
And nought but fact and truth regarded.
I only make these observations,
Because so many false relations 320
Are handed round, about the fact,
As puzzles reason how to act.
I therefore, as becomes my station,
Request a fair investigation,
Impartial, candid, and complete, 35
And then I'm sure of Dog's defeat.
" It will turn out in evidence,
That CANIS, prior to this offence,
Was guardian of a certain flock.
And, what may well your lordship shock, 330
The plaintiff was a member there,
And fed beneath his watchful care.
16 BEASTS AT LAW.
That, under friendship's false pretence,
He treacherously allured her thence,
And when they were retired apart,
Declared the purpose of his heart,
Which was.... I blush the fact to mention.,,.
Which \vas....a criminal connection
In legal parlance known, my lord,
By cr/m....no, stufirum, that's the word.
This not succeeding, he'd recourse,
As evidence will show, to force ;
The extent of which will soon appear,
By testimony ready here ;
And/orcc, of any kind or sort,
If ftro-ven, will the charge support.
Now if the facts I've heard related
Turn out to be correctly stated,
This Mastiff must, without a doubt,
Deserve a cudgel, whip, or knout ;
But, sapient Bulls, it is for you
To say how many blows are due ;
Or whether crimes like fornication
Ought not to hurl him from his station.
'Tis true, the flock beneath his care,
Will try to lighten this affair ;
For they, though oft insulted too,
Forgive and love, as spaniels do.
And lies are also set afloat
About this chaste and virtuous goat ;
The time elapsed, since first offended,
Before complaint, will be extended,
And urged against the plaintiff's plea,
As proof to set the prisoner free.
BEASTS AT LAW* 17
These circumstances all demand 3#3
An explanation at our hand,
Which shall be given, when we'll show
The Goat did.. ..what one ought to do ;
She'd no desire to bring to shame
Her watchful shepherd, though to blame ; 370
Till his repeated insults wrung
The story from her modest tongue.
" In crimes of this peculiar nature,
Unseen by every living creature,
Except the plaintiff, we can bring 73
No other witness of the thing.
But if a single brute shall dare
Her testimony to impair,
We then shall call on hundreds by
To prove she never told a lie. 380
But should the Dog prove innocent
Of actions showing bad intent....
Though that event, I ihink> is hindered^
For ive'-ve some anchors thrown to ivindward.,>.as\&e.
My pleasure at his fair acquittal, 385
Will, I assure you, not be little.
You all will hear the evidence
Against and for the Dog's defence,
And will, I hope, a verdict bring
Approved by justice, beasts and king." 39Q
The counsel for the prosecution
Now took their stands without confusion?
While DAMA, as they thither went,
Gave this morceau of humor vent :
" Thus when our ancestors of yore 395
Were saved from death by captain Noah,
18 BEASTS AT LAW.
The unclean beasts, without a whip,
March'd two and two on boaixl the ship. 1 *
Some repartee on this^ook place,
'Til CAPRA, witness in the case, 400
jleceived the oath, with such a look,
That hundreds wished themselves the book ;
\Vhile PARDUS quick assumed his station,
And thus began examination :
Pard. Of what offence do you complain 405
Against defendant ? Please explain.
Cafira. Two years ago, to have some chatter,
A parrot met.-..
Dama. That's hear-say matter,
And to the question as irrelevant
As Dormouse to a fallen Elephant. 410
Eguus. As an inducement^ (please not stop her)
Her evidence is good and proper.
Reynard. My lord, I certainly object
To this assertion.... 'ta'nt correct ;
They've only got to prove the fact, 416
Not what took place before the act.
For if they mtddle with the cat,
We're disfid at ones.... (aside to Canis)
Cams, (aside to Reynard) You may say that.
Equus. I think that I've a right, my lords,
To prove, not only acts but words ; 420
For plain it must be to all eyes,
That actions oft from words arise;
And so k was in this affair,
As witness wishes to declare.
She was, my lord, about to state 425
rumors of an earlier date ;
BEASTS AT LAW. 19
Which rumors caused the conversation
That gave defendant the occasion ;
From which occasion, we'll suppose,
The vile dishonest wish arose ; 430
Which wish, it cannot be denied,
Begat the crime for which he's tried.
So that if only traced correct,
W r e find the cause of this effect
Was rumor. What the rumors were 435
I wish the witness to declare;
But if you step her, I maintain
We lose a link from off the chain.
The conversation and the act
Were one transaction, that's a fact ; 440
And REYNARD knows the law too well
To be in earnest. Let her tell.
Reynard. For legal forms our veneration
Forbids the smallest innovation.
No rule, 'tis always understood, 445
Unless it work both ways, is good j
Yet hear-say stuff*, against their side,
There's not a doubt would be denied ;
And as it is for law's abuse meant,
It can't be good as an inducement. 450
Vertagut. My lord, the public prosecutor
(Whose speech for CAPRA ought to suit her)
Express'd a wish that all the court
Remain unbiassed by report ;
And yet, it seems, they now commence 455
By calling hear-say evidence,
The jurors' minds to occupy
With things they came not here to try
20 BEASTS AT LAAt.
Things* too, however false or base,
That we arc not prepared to trace. 460
I hope no rumor finds admission....
And humbly beg the court's decision.
Court. Unless essential to the case,
We can't give hear-say matter place.
Pardus. Well, CAPRA, then relate the fact, 465
And things coevous with the act.
Cafira. In March) I think, two years ago,
Before the grass began to grow ;
\Vhile yet the fodder of the brutes
Was withered herbage, hay, and roots ; 470
1 ask'd our shepherd, there, the Dog,
To come and taste our humble prog,
Beneath the shelter of a rock,
. \nd hold some chat about the flock.
He came as usual, and admired
My calm retreat from storms retired j
And when refresh'd on chaff reclined,
.At his request I spoke my mind.
a told him all the sheep were bleating, 490
And every goat the tale repeating,
That FELIS there, a Cat of beauty,
Had drawn and lured him from his duty.
That when her mate (of mountain race)
Was absent, he supplied his place. 48*5
He told me, that with some surprise,
He'd heard these base malicious lies ;
But wondered why they made selection
Of one for whom he'd no affection.
4 But were it you, he fondly cried, 490
J know not one on earth besick\
BEASTS AT LAW.
Of all the beasts or birds that move,
With whom I'm ha?.f so much in love.
I'd rather revel on your charms
Than fill an ourang-outang's arms. 1 ; 49$
In answer, I abruptly told him
I had a dozen minds to scold him;
For such a speech would sorely shock,
The rudest bleater in the flock :
And as a guardian of the sheep,
A chaster tongue he ought to keep.
He own'd his fault without evasion,
But hoped I'd save his reputation ;
And, on condition of my silence,
Promised to do his passion vi'lence. 505
A few weeks after, three at least,
I waited on this trusty beast
Who said some chat he wished to hold
On matters that concern'd the fold.
So, finding such was his desire, 51O
I ventured with him to retire ;
For fair CANICULA, his mate *
Must have no share in the debate.
But scarcely had we gone a yard
Before he bit my ear so hard, 5 1 5
And frisk'd about, and lick'd my teats..,.
I'd like to've fallen into fits.
I told him if he wa'n't retreating,
His slut should quickly hear my bleating ;
Then got away, and off I run, 500
For butt me ! if I like such fun !
Pardus. Did he attempt to stop you ?
Capra. N"o s
i } 2 BEASTS AT LAW.
He soon was glad to let me go ;
And when my tongue renewed its strength,
I gave the dirty cur its length ;
Told him, as fast as I could rattle,
He was the worst of all God's cattle ;
And then with just indignant rant
Reynard. Go slower, if you please.
Capra. I can't j
For just so fast I gave it him.... 53O
Says I, "you good-for-nothing limb,
Such treatment is too bad to bear,
And henceforth I renounce your care ;
I will not eat your dirty grass,
.But leave the fold. ...so let me pass." 535
He begg'd I would not be so bad,
As that would fairly drive him mad.
So seeing him so low in chop,
I thought it best to let it drop ;
And hoping he might yet amend, 540
I parted with him like a friend.
'Twas six weeks after this, or mope.
Just as I left the granery door,
Where he'd been dealing out our food, '
CANIS his wicked suit renew'd, 545
And said, as I received my due,
" If you loved me as I love you,
You'd grant the little thing I want,"....
1 bade him speak no more upon't j
Or else, as sure as I was born, 530
I'd tell the whole to CAPRICORN.
u Then, he exclaim'd, by Mammoth Springy
I'll swear you teazed me for the thing ;
BEASTS AT LAW. 23
And as the flock respect my station,
Who, think you, loses reputation ?" 555
He then his old caresses tried,
And lick'd me with his tongue beside.
Here witness, stifled by her grief,
Paused in her story for relief ;
While VERTAGUS, despising pelf, 56O
Thus thought and spoke within himself:
" I fear, by all our monarch's paws,
I this time prop a wicked cause ;
For that to me still right appears,
That's sanctified by female tears." $$5
Recovered by the pause she ne eded,
Poor Capra, snuffling, thus proceeded.
" His last attempt was while the court
Were listening to a Sow's report
For the same insults offered her, 570
By this same wicked treacherous cur.
His mouth, while talking o'er the matter,.
Began to froth, his teeth to chatter ;
And then between his paws he seiz'd me,.
And without mercy prest and squeez'd me ; 47S.
But I began so loud to squall
He did not touch my teats at all."
Pardus. Do you remember his excuses,
Voout the sin of such abuses ?
rertagu*. My lord, that question seems to me
A little straggling.
Court. If it be 58 1
To this transaction any clu-e,
Twill be admissible, and deu
24 BKASTS AT LAW.
Cafira. Sometime, perhaps four months, ago,
A case was pending here, you know, 585
In which a certain wanton Deer,
For such a crime was summon'd here ;
And, if my memory's not in fault,
Twas just before the last assault.
Defendant's words were then, 'tis clear, 590
In favor of the " stricken deer ;"
And intimated, in discourse,
That she was not a whit the worse ;
Which was, I thought, a hint too pat,
To misconceive what he'd be at. 595
He then proceeded, and repeated
A list of tricks himself committed ;
Of, 'tricks, that would, I think, or ought to
Cause all the jury's.. ..eyes to water ;
And by his tell.. ..bad luck resist him ! (aside) 600
A half a hundred sluts had kiss'd him ;
And, after all the catalogue,
He thought himself a clever dog.
Equus. His language seem'd then to import
That he was ne'er the worser for't ? 605
Cafira. He said, though he'd been rather rude,
He knew our sovereign was too good,
TO punish such a small offence,
As just to gratify the sense.
And then the antient fable quoted, 610
How once a mouse, for thieving noted,
Was caught by LION in the fact,
Who graciously forgave the act.
Cross-examined, by Reynard.
Reyn, You threatened, prior to this confession,
BEASTS AT LAW. Zn
To expose, it seems, the Dog's transgression? 615
This was posterior, was it ?
Cafira. Yes,
'Twas since my threat he toid me this,
And made me promise not to tell it.
Reynard. When he was rude, did you repel it ?
Or did you make advances ?
Cafira. Never j 620
But as I thought him kind and clever,
I told him all my little ailings,
?Iy feelings, t wishes, thoughts, and failings ;
Though had I sooner found his lies out,
I would have claw'cl his beastly eyes out. 6~~
Reynard. Did you not, CAriiA....come reflect....
Did you not kiss him ? recollect.
Cafira. Now Mr. Fox 1 upon my word,
I never such a question heard:
Such impudence was never seen.... 630
I really do'n't know what you mean ,
Unless permitting him to kiss,
Is what you're after.., .is it ?
Reynard. Yes.
You did allow a kiss, then, ha ? 634
Cafi. Why, dogs, you know, will have their way,
Reynard. Did you attempt to coax him, ever ?
Cafira. No 1 by my whiskers, never, never I
JKyuus. Be patient, CAPRA.... these sly oxes,
Are fond of touching up the doxies j
Though rude the questions which he pushes, 640
Go on, and never mind your blushes.
Reynard. Nor say.. ..(I ask it not to tease you)
That Capricorn could never please you;
6 BEASTS AT LAW,
And that you thought himself more clever,
More fit for certain matters
Cafira. Never ! 645
Reynard. You never told defendant so,
Or any other person ?
Cafira. No.
Reyn. Did you not say, the males, you fcar'd,
Would see how amorously you leer'd,
And read your wishes in your eyes? 650
Cafira. Never ! they're all malicious lies !
Reynard. Nor say you dared not be alone
With them, for fear
Cafira. Why this I own,
I said if I were seen to walk
With roguish brutes, 'twould make a talk. 655
Reynard. You never mentioned a weak sfict
Somewhere about you ?
Cafira. Certainly not.
Reynard. Nor show'd your dugs to any one
Except your partner ? This you've done ?
Cafira. Except to him, I never did, 660
Unless when suckling little kid.
Reyn. And did you not.. ..the question plain is....
Offer to go to bed to CAXIS,
Or any one but Capricorn ?
Cafira. I never did since I was born. 665
Reynard. You ask'cl the Dog if he believed,
That Canaan's antient flocks conceived.
And mark'd their young by speckled rods ?
Cafira. Never! by all the river gods ! 669
Reynard. You know your leader there, the Ass,
I mean who leads the female class 5
BEASTS AT LAW. 2/
Did not you say, whene'er you chose
That you could lead him by the nose ;
And call him Sister jVanny too ?
Cafira. Why, all the females call him so ; 675
Because he is the only male
We dare admit within the pale.
Peijnard. With him why is your danger less ?
Cafira. Because he is....humph ! you may guess.
We used to meet within the fold, 80
A kind of singing club to hold ;
But though no instrument he play'd,
Yet when we bleated, then he bray'd.
Reynard. How many she's with sitter Nan,
United in this tuneful plan ? 685
Cafira. Not more than eigjit or nine, or ten.
Court. What was this brayer's conduct then ?
Was't modest, chaste, correct, no word
Or act indecent ?
Cafira. No, my lord. 689
Rcyn. You're sure you could have told to none
You fear'd with males to be alone,
Lest you should rude advances make ?
Cafira. O ! name it not for goodness 1 sake 1
For if my weakness were so great,
Yet pride would never let me say't, 695
Here prosecutor's counsel chose
To rest their cuuse, when DAMA rose ;
And with a most engaging port,
In terms like these address'd the court :
" My lord, 'tis easy to conceive 709
That we may piously believe
Our client guiltless of transgression,
28 BEASTS AT LAW.
Yet not be free from apprehension.
Our greatest danger lies with those
Whose sex forbids to call them foes,' 70s
But whose attractions charm the soul
And all our reasoning powers control.
'Tis known that their inventive powers
Surpass, in every instance, ours;
And here, necessity will drive 710
To keep finesse and art alive.
Ardent in every passion still,
They know no arbiter but WILL ;
And are the same, in love or hate,
The pivots of revolving fate. 715
We've also much to fear, from those
Ingenious counsel who're to close ;
Who've the advantage over ours
In numbers, eloquence, and powers.
Indeed, my lord, it seems to me, 720
A kind of novelty, to see
So many champions of the laws
Enlisted in a plaintiff's cause.
In every criminal debate
There's counsel furnish 'd by the state, 725
Whose duty, to convict defendant,
Is not relax* d, you may depend on't.
Then why this ardor, to enlist
A host of veterans to assist ?
What, but a thirst of vengeance, could 730
Induce a search through all the wood,
For beasts of talents, cull'd and picktf
An honest mastiff to convict?
BEASTS AT LAW. 29
The jury should consider this,
In order not to act amiss ; . 735
For if their testimony fails,
Without such props, when truth assails,
It will.. ..it must be understood
Their testimony can't be good.
It will, your honors, be our duty 740
To impeach the credit of this beauty;
To open to your comprehension,
The nature of the fears I mention.
It is, your honors of the jury,
The merciless, unrelenting fury, ^4.5
Which does and always will arise,
When we a female's love despise.
Of all the furies we could mention,
Of earth, or hell, or fiend's invention ;
Dragons, vipers, scorpions, adders,
Rattle-snakes with poison bladders ;
Crocodiles and alligators,
With the worst of fiend-like natures ;
Can never be compared, for harms,
To females with neglected charms. f j'S
It will, of course, become your duty,
With this exasperated beauty,
To watch, with scrutinizing eye,
Her arts and machinations sly.
Vengeance is rankling in her heart, 76V
And summons ail her matchless art ;
Her poison'd tongue can sting the soul,'
And nothing can its power controul ;
Deep is perdition's baseless pit,
But her revenge is deeper yet. F6J'
D
30 BEASTS AT LAW.
We shall be able, sirs, I trust,
To prove this Goat's lascivious lust ;
Her open and obscene advances,
Improving all her secret chances
To inflame the mastiff with desire, 370
And set his wishes all on fire.
It ought to claim our admiration
That he resisted such temptation,
Where acts obscene were join'd with beauty,
To draw defendant from his duty. 775
The rude idea must surely shock
Each modest member of the flock ;
The thoughts of actions so obscene,
Moistens my eyes... .my mouth I mean. [aside
I say, my lord, the bare reflection 780
liaises a blush in my complexion ;
Though, by-thc-ky^ were I my client,
She'd not have vuish'd in "bain, rely on*/. f aside
Acts more lascivious too, it plain is,
Than those which she imputes to CANIS, 785
Tis not, my lord, in such a case,
IVIy learned adversary's place
!JTo say if CANIS, thus assail'd
By artful lust, in duty fail'd ;
Or if he fell, to what extent, 790
Through error's giddy maze he went:
The case was to his flock submitted,
By whom he fairly was acquitted.
'Tis for the jury to enquire,
(Not his intention or desire, 795
But, leaving every other fault)
Whether he's guilty of assault
BEASTS AT LAW. 1
And battery upon the goat;
And if so, whether she, or not,
Consented to't....if that's the case, 800
The Dog's acquittal must take place.
Tfce point for your investigation
Is, whether CAPRA gave occasion,
Or to defendant made advances.
But still my noble lord, the chance is, 605
That our opponent's learned chatter
May load the case with foreign matter,
And other things connect and join,
Entangled like a twisted vine.
But, honored jurors, I've no doubt you 810
All will have your wits about you.
And hold the power within your brain,
To ravel out the knotty skein.
You've but to stick to these two things
From which the whole contention springs j 815
Two points for your enquiry fitted....
Firstly, was the fact committed?
Secondly, this being so,
Was it against her will, or no ?
But we are ready to support, S20
Such stubborn facts before the court>
As will convince a beast of feeling,
The plaintiff never was unwilling.
We'll prove that, by her own confession,
She always itch'd for such transgression ; 825
And that, if prest by any beast,
The goat was passive, say the least.
And if your honors we acquaint,
That since the date of her
3 BEASTS AT LAW.
As well as months and years before, 830
She prais'd defendant more and more ;
Has wheedled, coax'd, and sought to hold him,
Has followed, flattered, and cajoled him ;
Trying to draw the one from goodness
Whom she accuses now with rudeness ; 835
Jn vain will she pretend to claim
A matron's chaste and honest name,
" I'll not detain your honors longer,
Than just to state the question stronger :
Whether the Dog committed ill, 840
And whether 'twas against her will."
CANIS whispers DAMA.
CANIS. Well done> my Buck> we'll catch the gulls)
The gloss you gave will quiz the Lulls.
JWio's our first witness ?
DAMA. (whispering) modest Ovis.
CANIS. A buxom ewe.
f DAMA. <Ahl she' a no no-vice ; 845
Sfie knows her cue,., .besides, 'tis thought
She's little jealous of the goat ;
dnd we have many hojiesfrom thence.
Call up and swear our evidence..,., [aloud.
Cnjer. First Ovis !
Ovis. Here!
Gryer. My gentle ewe, 85C-
We'll have a chat along with you ;
Hold up your paw.
Dama. No ! call the rest.
And swear them aJl at once ; that's best. .
Cryer. Parrot, Magpie, Woodcock, Widgeon.,
Jackdaw, Redbreast; Turkey, Pigeon-, 8'55
BEASTS AT LAW-
Ringdove, Blackbird, Goldfinch, Grouse,
Rabbit, Hedgehog, Weasel, Mouse,
Ferrit, Rat, Opposum, Moose,
Mockbird, Partridge, Snipe and Goose*
THE OATH.
" You all and severally declare,
Affirm, insist, aver, and swear,
That all the stories you report,
As evidence before the court,
Shall be the truth, and nothing more,
A thing they never sfioke before.... [aside 865
So may the monarch of the wood,
Supply you all with drink and food.'*
Dama. Come, now, my lively, bounding ewe,
Ovis, we'll first examine you.
You're a member of the bleating canton. ? 870
You know the plaintiff, ha ?
Ovis. Balantum I
I mess'd with her, sometime ago,
And consequently I must know. 873
Dama. You've seen her often with defendant ?
Ovis. Aye ! that I have, you may depend on't.
Dama. Have you not seen her call him to her ?
Ovis. 1 have.
Dama. What time ?
Ovis. I am not sure ;
But think 'twas near two years ago,
'Twas pleasant weather, that I know.
Dama. At her request, did he not call, 880
Repeatedly, at CAPRA'S stall ?
Ovis. She often ask'd him when he couldn't ;
Sometimes he came. ...sometimes he wouldn't,
34 BEASTS AT
Dama. Would she her choicest food prepare,
And treat the Dog, to coax him there ? 685
Ovis. O yes. ...so well she fed the cur-j
She almost starved myself and her.
Dama. This intimacy was, you say,
Sometime in summer ?
Ovis. After May, 889
Dama. And yet, my lord, two months before
She'd been insulted o'er and o'er !
Ovis. One evening, he was with us there,
When, on nay honor, I declare,
She kiss'd him. ...for the smack I heard,
And saw his tongue about her beard. 895
Dama. Where was her mate, then, CAPRICORN
Ovis. Why, on that evening he was gone,
To see a public show, I think,
Some capers of a northern Mink.
Dama. Did Capra e'er the Dog invite, 900
To tarry with her all the night ?
Come, recollect yourself.
Ovis. I will...;
lie slept there once, when he wa%ill.
Dama. A hydrophobia, I, suppose.
Ovis. And the next morning, when 1 rose, 905
\ met her coming from his straw,
And this my lord, I swear I saw.
Dam. [to CANIS]] Poor Ovis then was disafif tainted ?
Cams, [to D.] Y>*, all our plans were quite disjointed.
Dama. Was CAPRICORN then present?
Ovis. No, 9!Q
But where he was, I do not know ;
BEASTS AT LAW, 35
It always seem*d to be her care,
To send and get defendant there,
During the absence of her mate.
Dama. Can you now recollect the date, 915
When last she yean'd, and whom you saw
That came to see her in the straw ?
O-vis. Yes, that event took place, I know,
Last April, sir, a year ago ;
And then she sent for CANIS thither, 920
XVho had a secret confab with her.
Reynard. O 1 she intended nothing worse
Than just to learn the Dog to. nurse.
Dama. Did Capra ever make remarks,
About her eyes' alluring sparks ? 925
O~vis. She said she fear'd to have them shown,
Lest all her wishes should be known.
With males herself she dared not trust,
She was so great a slave to lust ;
And had too weak a spot about her. 930
Dama. She wish'd her mate was warmer, stouter ?
Ha ? Did she not ? How was it, Ovis ?
Ovts. She call'dher CAPRICORN a novice :
He did the best he could to please her,
But still, fioor thing, he did but teaze her ; 935
She wish'd a mate, whose amorous fires,
Were equal to her own desires;
Some love-physician who could cure her
Of what they call Uterus furor. 939
Reyn. For that the best would have to strain hard
Martin. Why not apply to Dr. Reynard ?
Dama. Did any conversation pass,
With you and Capra^ 'bout the Ass ?
36 BEASTS AT LAW.
She said she could, whene'er she chose,
Lead sister Nanny by the nose. 945
Cross-examined) by Pardus.
Pardus. From CAPRA'S conduct, you conceived,
She had no virtue ?
Ovis. I believed
That she was light and vain ; but had
No proof of acts extremely bad.
Pardus. Her conversation you conceived
Libidinous ?
Ovis. So I believed, 95$
For if it turns out otherwise,
I can't believe my cars and eyes.
Pardus. Did CAPRICORN the Dog invite*
The time he came and staid all night ?
Ovis. He did.
Pardus. The time you heard the kiss, 955
CANIS complained of illness ?
Ovis. Yes.
But as for that, she's not to blame,
I would myself have done the same.
JJama. I dare be sworn you would my ewe.,,,aside;
Pardus. He never gave a kiss to you ? 960
Ovis. O yes. ...before he quitted us,
He offered me a kind of buss.
Pardus. Her mate was present, was he not,
When CAPRA mentioned her weak spot ?
Gvis. He was.
Pardus. And when she mentioned too, 965
That all she wish'd he could not do ?
Ovis. He might have heard it ; but if not,
Fin sure she spoke the thing she thought.
BEASTS AT LAW. 37
Pardus. The Dog kiss'd you as well as her ?
Ovift. Twice only. ...hang the stupid cur .'... [aside
Pardus. Both friendly kisses, I suppose ? 971
Yes.. ..more than friendly Jiad he chose.... [aside.
Pardus. From CAPRA'S treatment of the cur,
You thought not he'd insulted her ?
O-vis. O no.. ..I thought, and justly too, 9T5-
That her attachment stronger grew.
Phoebus the azure vault had clomb,
And now was gliding down the dome ;
Great Appalachian's awful brow,
Had cast a lengthened shade below j 980
And, to descend to meaner things,
The sunflower faced the western springs ;
When LEO, by his appetite,
Thought all the beasts might want a bite,
And so, that he might grow no thinner, 085
Adjourned the court, and went to dinner*
END OF THE FIRST CANTO,
BEASTS AT LAW :
OR,
Zoologian Jurisprudence,
CANTO II.
THE ARGUMENT.
.
SPIRITUAL, warfareA human portrait, drawn from life
CLARINDA blown up The story resumed The court
meets The Magpie examined by DAM A Something
about exposing something, which somebody ought not
somehow to have seen Cross-examined by PARDUS--A liti
gant retort TheParrot examined by DAM A Something
relating to insufficiency Cross-examined by URSUS The
Pigeon examined by DAM A--The kicking and spurring busi
ness Cross-examined by PARDUS A play -house whisper
The Ring-dove examined The river scene The Gold
finch examined A kiss after shaving The Blackbird cx-
amined-lnvitation upon invitationThe Widgeon examin
ed How to look respectable in shape and size The Daw
examined by REYNARD Cross-examined by PARDUS
The Turkey examined Strictures on being' satisfied
Cross-examined by URSUS Defendants rest their case
The Ass described Examined for the prosecutors, by
URSUS A controversy on confessions How to lead an Ass
by the nose Description of a Mule, a Philosopher, and a
quack Doctor Br. r MuLus examined by CERVUS Cnss-
examined by LEOPARDUS MULA, the doctor's mate, ex
amined The cou.t adjourn.
SCENE as in the first canto, Time about six hours.
BEASTS AT LAW.
A POEM,
IN THREE CANTOS.
CANTO II.
That minstrel wakes the song in vain,
Who weaves no moral with his strain j
And he who flatters vice for pelf,
Deserves its penalty himself;
But he who sanctions FOLLY'S tools,
Should wear her cap, and head the fools.
Author's MS.
The human mind's a tilting field,
Where two strong active spirits wield
The missive dart or pointed lance,
And parry, thrust, retreat, advance,
Or close, in obstinate affray,
Till one or t'other gains the day.
But still the fight is not decided,
Their powers and rights are so divided,
Tiie desperate war is still rencw'd,
For neither can be quite subdued; it;
But each is, in- his turn, the master,
Like Pollux and his brother Castor.
These spirits, (as we might suppose;,
They being such eternal foes)
Are as unlike in form and feature, 1 j
As much opposed in locks and nature,
42 BEASTS AT LAW.
And as dissimilar in all,
As GOD and Satan, since the fall.
When charity expands the breast,
The first of virtues and the best; 20
When LOVE within the soul arises,
Which all the law of GOD comprises ;
In short, when we're inclined to good,
And have some selfish wish subdued ;
W T e may be sure the fiend has reel'd, 2
And that the angel holds the field.
But when vfe yield to passion's sway.
And hate or envy's rule obey ;
It will as certainly be found,
The angel welters on the ground ; 3O
That we have turn'd the fate of war,
And placed Apollyon on the car.
For though wejfight on neither side,
.'Tis ours the victory to guide,
And by a vote we turn the scale, 35
For vice or virtue to prevail.
Too indolent, unless befriended,
To keep our heavy arm extended,
In careless ease we let it drop,
And virtue falls with vice atop.
In such a case, 'tis my opinion,
Bather than vice should hold dominion,
We'd best confess our arm is weak,
And succour in RELIGION seek ;
There we can find a potent charm, 45
Sufficient lo support an arm
Of nature's stiuiVbt, weakest son,
Although that dim should weigh a ton.
BEASTS AT LAW. 43
But stay, I'll demonstrate my meaning :
When Victory once by turns was leaning
On different sides of hostile foes,
Now aiding these, now helping those ;
Doubtful which way to turn the scale,
That this or that should most prevail,
The leader of the chosen band, 55
In Israel's favor rais'd his hand,
And quick as thought their foes retreat,
Nor dared the tide of fate to meet ;
His hand withdrawn, the vanquished turn,
And with rekindled ardor burn, 60
While Israel's ranks dismay'd and broke,
By thousands fell beneath the stroke.
In this dilemma, undismay'd,
He calls for holy Aaron's aid,
(A beauteous figure of that power, 63
Who still supports us every hour)
The wearied arm the Priest sustain'd,
And Israel soon the field regain'd,
On their pursuers turn'd the flood,
And dyed the plain with heathen blood ; 70
Thus gain'd the day and battle too,
And pay'd their vows wherever due.
A female, not to vice inclined,
Whose taste and manners are refined ;
With sensibility enough 75
To feel, and weep, and such like stuff;
Who would not, for her credit's sake,
In public countenance a rake ;
Who goes to church, like me and you.
Because mankind in general do j $0
44 BEASTS AT LAW.
I say, a female, of this sort,
(And half the sex are such, I'm taught)
Alive to elocution's charms,
And all the delicate alarms,
Which the sweet honey of persuasion, 85
Might in her fluttering breast occasion ;
May, in the course of life's affairs,
While at the church repeating prayers,
Prefer (for all possess a taste)
Some clergyman to all the rest. 90
So great his powers in declamation,
Jt wraps her soul in admiration ;
So warm his fervor and his zeal,
She must unknown devotion feel ;
She seems in some celestial region.... 95
She thinks, in short, she loves religion.
How dull appears the lingering week,
She longs so much to hear him speak ;
To view those eyes of meek devotion,
And feel again that sweet emotion. Ida
The Sabbath comes. ...to church she goes,
Again the stream of rapture flows ;
And, as he meets his various duties,
She sees new, undiscovered beauties.
She feels that life's insipid round 105
Affords no sweets like those she's found,
And wonders why she wandered wrong,
In search of happiness so long.
Fll not assume the high commission
To judge of such a soul's condition. IK)
But would, with modesty, enquire,
Is it religion, or ds&ire ?
BEASTS AT LAW". 45
Which champion, in the mental field.
Has made his adversary yield ?
Which beats ? (I ask with motive civil) 1 1 5
Which beats, the arigel or the devil ?
Is our digression long enough....
Or are you fond of moral stuff ?
If so, I will relate a tale,
Which shows how oft our efforts fail 130
To hide our shame ; because the means
Which we would hide behind, as screens,
Will often play a trick so scurvy,
That we are blown u/i topsy-turvy.
Have patience, friend, we'll be in court 125
Full time enough to see the sport ;
Then give the beasts a chance to dine,
Who've appetites like yours and mine.
CLARIXDA was a country lass,
Possessing charms enough to pass ; 130
With rosy cheeks and buxom mein
The greatest romp upon the green,
Her father, justice in the place,
Was a great lover of the chase,
And in pursuit of fowl and deer, 13$
He spent the third of every year.
Yet to official duty's claim
He'd yield the swift pursuit of game ;
And take his fee with such a grace,
As show'd he knew his proper place. 140
CLARINDA had imbibed a passion....
Not for a clown, or man of fashion,
But... (laugh ye belles, of dressing prouder)
A passion for the,..,smell of powder.
46 BEASTS AT LAW.
Never experienced she such pleasure 145
As, when alone and quite at leisure,
To steal her father's hunting flask,
And then commence her martial task ;
Lay a long train upon the floor,
Then touch it off... and then lay more ; 150
And this was still her occupation,
Jn spite of dad's expostulation ;
Till finding nothing could reclaim her,
He swore coercive means should tame her.
One day, CLARIVDA, left at home, 155
Had nought to do but romp and roam,
When, with a resolution rash,
She vow'd she'd have one little flush ;
So, after closing every door,
Upon the middle of the floor, 1 60
She built a pyramid of powder,
Moistened and prest, to speak the louder.
From this she led a circling train,
All round the room, and round again ;
.And then a piece of twisted paper, 165
To serve as slow-match, crown'd her caper.
From farthest corner of the room,
CLARINDA view'd her match consume.
Waiting to see the flame attain
The other end, and light the train ; 1 70
But, ere htr hopes were realized,
Approaching steps the maid surprised ;
Who, thinking that her dad was near,
And quite beside herself with fear,
Thought nothing of the train or match, , 175
But, like a fowl that sits to hatch.
BEASTS AT LAW. 47
To put suspicion fast asleep,
She, squatting down, conceal'd the heap ;
Her father enters.. ..she turns pale....
The train is caught, and there's my tale, 1 60
A short repast the beasts partook,
And quaff 'd the cool refreshing brook j
Then sported round the flowery plain.
Till LEO took his seat again.
The Bulls, apart from all the rest, 185
Reposed on nature's velvet vest,
And ruminating there at ease,
On both the learned counsel's pleas,
The fragrant cud at leisure chew'd,
At once digesting law and food. 190
But soon aroused by JACKALL'S roar,
They all assembled as before ;
When DAMA took his former station,
And thus pursued examination ;
A Magpie, on defendant's side,
To his enquiries thus replied :
Dama. Come, little MAG, we wish to know
What you can tell.
Mag. Two years ago,
With CAPKA I commenced rny stay,
Nor left her till this year, in May. > 200
I built my nest within her stall,
She gave me seed, and drink, and all ;
And, in return. I had to fly
On all her errands, low and high ;
And, when her little kids would weep, 205
To sing the noisy rogues to sleep.
4S BEASTS AT LAW.
Dama. And were you sent, among the rest)
To invite the Mastiff as a guest ?
Mag. O ! frequently. Whene'er her mate
Was going out to tarry late, 216
She bade me urge the dog to come,
As CAPRICORN was not at home ;
And, if he spoke with hesitation,
Repeat and press the invitation. [them ?
Dama. And when he came, what pass'd between
Mag. Her care was such I've never seen them ;
For all the birds were sent array,
As long as CAXIS pleased to stay.
One evening, after sending thrice,
(Her kid went once, and I'd been twice) 220
She bade me tell him to be quick,
And come, or CAPRA would be sick !
Dama. Alas ! poor Goat !
Mag. I've seen her, too,
Expose her dugs to public view ;
And ask a Stag, with wanton air, 226
If e'er he saw so fine a pair.
Cross-examined, by Pardus.
Pardus. Did she then know that you were by ?
Mag. I cannot tell.
Pardus. Inform us why
You left her service, little bird ?
Mag. Because she did not keep her word. 230
Parduz. Was CAPRA suckling, when she show'd
The Stag her dugs ?....explain the mode.
A fag. Yes, I believe that was the case.
Pardus. How look'd the beast ?
Mug. He hid his face,
BEASTS AT LAW. 49
Reynard. A thing not common to the breed. 235
Cervus. A modest fox were rare indeed.
JDama. Who's next ?
Leof.ardus. The Parrot.
Dama. Pretty Poll,
Let's hear your story.. ..tell it all.
Poll. An Antelope accused the cur
Of some attempts to ravish her; 246
And made complaints to all the fold,
Of acts which ought to be controll'd.
They met to hear her accusation,
But found, on her examination,
That he had nothing rude committed, 245
So proved she lied, and him acquitted.
A short time after, (this I know
Was just about two years ago)
I ask'd the Goat, in friendly chat....
" Would CANIS do a thing like that ?" 250
c; No, she replied, 'tis all a lie,
For who's so free with him as I ?
And, were he so disposed, you see,
I think he might have ravish'd me.
Why, once I gave him every chance, 255-
And made 'myself a warm advance,
So, were he wantonly inclin'd,
He must have then been dull or blind,"
I heard her rally FELIS, or ce,
And call her partner-cat a dunce ; 2<>
While she the charge reiterates,
Till both at length condemn their mates.
One day she told me she believed,
From circumstances, she'd
50 BEASTS AT LAW.
But added, "if a kid be born, 265
It can't belong to CAPRICORN."
Ursus. Where was it CAPRA made advances,
And gave the Dog these secret chances ?
Poll. 'Twas on Missouri's verdant brink,
Where both had been to bathe and drink. 270
Ursus. When CAPRA held the modest chat.
About their partners, with the Cat,
Did it degrade them in your eyes ?
Pell. It could not well be otherwise.
Equus. And had not CAPRA, then, my bird, 275
With several kids increased the herd ?
foil. She had. [Parrot dismissed.]
Dama. Who's next ?
Leofiardus. COLUMBA ! here,
We next must call on you my clear ;
Please take the stand.
Dama. My gentle bird,
Inform us what you've seen and heard. 280
Columba. We Pigeons, sir, in flocks reside
Hard by the river, 'tother side ;
But I have often hither flown,
And left my mate at home alone.
In summer time, two years ago, 285
CAPRA and I contrived it so,
That I should fly across the river,
And spend an hour in private with her.
While we conversed on different things,
The newest cut for pigeon-wings, 2-90
Or the most fashionable hair,
And beard, and horns, for Goats to wear,
She ask'd me if I did not hate
BEASTS AT LAW. 51
To be so long without my mate ?
For, added she, I never could, 295
If CAPRICORN was only good;
But I am ne'er the better for him,
Unless I teaze, and kick, and spur him."
Pardus. My lord, I humbly do conceive
Equus. My lord
Pardus. I'll speak, sir, by your leave..,.
My lord 300
Leofardut. My lord
Equus. My lord
Martin. My lord
Leopardus. We have a right
Pardus. Hear me one word ;
This seems on billingsgate to border
Reynard. I wish
Equus, Your lordship
Court. Order ! Order I
Equus. I'll not object, my lord, about 305
This fiend-like malice coming out ...
Vtrtagus. That term will suit the accusation,
Not the defence.
Equus. Their own damnation
Is seal'd by such defence, I think.
Reynard. It seals our safety from its brink. 310
Crosx-ejcananed, bn Pardus.
Pardus. What was your answer ? let us know.
Columba. 1 could not speak, it shock'd me so.
Pardus. And flew you then direct awy ?
Columla. I did not many minutes stay. 3H
Pantus. How often, sin Vive you been there ?
Colwnba. iSot more thau oace or twice, I'll swear,
52 BEASTS AT LAW.
Can. [aside to Dam.] The Pigeon's evidence witt dv>
Da f>. a. You may say that.. ..she's up. a few.
Cants. More tales like this, from other sjish'd,
Will blast her fame, and CAPRA'S dish'd. 320
Dama. There's plenty to confirm Columba's.
Call up the next. Who is't ?
Lco/:ardus. PALUMBES.
Dama Give way, and let the Ringdove pass....
Fly over all their heads, my lass.
What can you tell in this affair ? 325
Palumbes. I sat upon a willow....
Dama. Where ?
Palumbcs. Close to the rapid river's brim,
Where both the parties came to swim.
From sporting on the rolling billow,
They came to sport beneath my willow ; 330
CAFRA of being chill'd complained,
Though I believed her shivering feign'd j
Then nestling down, with fondest care
He warm'd her with his shaggy hair ;
And in that posture, by the powers, 33$
They h<.y together two long hours.
I thought her conduct quite improper,
But then I had no right to stop her,
[Putumbes dismissed.]
Reijn. CAPRA appears to've been a bold wench.
Dama. Is CAHDUELIS here, the Goldfinch?
O' there you are.. ..come forward, Miss. 341
You've seen the proscculrlx kiss
The Mastiff? Tell us where and when-
Carduelie. Four years ago ...I lived there thea.
BEASTS AT LAW. 5$
He'd just been shorn, and look'd so sleek, 3 15
She to her bosom prcss'd his cheek,
And kissM him.
Dama. That you say you saw ?
Corduclis. I did: she prest him with her paw,
Cross-examined^ by Pardus.
Pardus. Did CAPRA know you saw her do it?
Carduelis. No, I expect they neither knew it.
Leofiardut. The Blackbird's next. 350
Dama. MERULA, you
Know CATRA ?
Mtrula. Yes, indeed I do :
You'll always find within her door
A dozen singing birds or more.
Two years ago, myself -\vas one, 355
And then I saw a deal of fun ;
Such pains the Goat would take, to keep .
The watchful guardian of the sheep.
She would the best of food prepare,
Then send a bird to coax him there, 360
And if her message was in vain,
She'd send it o'er and o'er again.
( Me.rula dismissed.)
Dama. And now PEN T .:LOPE, for you....
You know the parties ?
Penelope. Yes, I do,
As well as any Widgeon here. 365
Dama. How did the Goat to you appear ?
Ptndofie. You'll judge from what on oath I state.
C A NIC u LA, the Mastiff's mate,
Invited me, a year ago,
To chat with her an hour, or so. 37tf
F
54 BEASTS AT LAW,
The Goat came in while I was there,
And ask'd the Dog, with such an air I
" What think you of my corporation ?
My shape's improved to admiration j
You wish CANICULA, I know, 375
Were thriving in dimensions so."
And so went on with such-like stuff,
Till he, I guess, was sick enough.
[Penelofie dismissed."]
Canis. You guess, my pretty Widgeon, truly.
JReynard. Who's next ?
JUama. The lovely MONEDULA. 380
Reynard. I'll question her. My pretty Daw,
Of this affair, tell what you saw.
Monedula. I've often heard the Dog complain,
That CAVRA'S fondness gave him pain :
I've seen her practise every art, 385
And play the suppliant's humble part,
Enticing him to go with her,
Yet meet repulses from the Cur.
When too much teaz'd with invitation,
He sometimes left his occupation, 390
And spent an evening with her. .still
It seem'd repugnant to his will.
She said, " the beasts will sometimes talk,
Because I go with him to walk,
But I do'nt care a straw who knows it, 395
While my blind mate will not oppose it."
I sometimes ask'd her if she thought
The various charges which were brought
Against her favorite, were true ?
answered, they were false she knew. 400
BEASTS AT LAW. 55
1 told her I believed them so ...
And this was not four months ago.
Cross-examined by Urtu*.
Ursus. Is CANIS on good terms with you ?
Mmedula. On terms becoming any two.
Ui\ws. And did he ever kiss you ?
Monedula. No. 405
But even if it had been so,
I'd not have brought him into courtj
To expose myself far public sport.
Leap. A decent hint far CAPRA, M<a^... [aside to CAN.
Canis. For CAPRA, SCROFA, and the CAT. 410
U>~sus. Did CAPUA, oftener than the rest,
Invite the Dog to be her guest ?
Or did he visit all he knew ?
Mordeula. I have seen others urge him too,
But not like CAPRA.
Umus. What was told 4 1 5
Concerning CAMS in the fold ?
What was his character ?
Vertagus. My lord,
I bar the question. Not a word
Have we adduced before the court,
Our client's credit to support ; 430
Such threads we've not thought fit to tissue.
And therefore 'tis not put in issue.
We cannot be prepared to meet
The vague reports our foes repeat,
All foreign to the present charge. .i ..? j
But on this point I'll not enlarge ;
His lordship knows as well as I
Such questions are not legal.
Ursus, Why ?
BEASTS AT LAW.
My lord, my learn'd opponent shows,
How little of the law he knows, 43O
About reports to raise a clatter,
Which lead directly to the matter.
They're not illegal, I contend.
Court. We can't admit them.
Ursus. Then they end*
[Monedul* dismissed.]
Varna. NUMIDICA is next.
Reijnard. Desire 435
Her Turkeyship to walk up nigher.
You've lived with CANIS. Saw you-aught
In CAPRA'S visits, that you thought
Improper ?
Mimidica. Seven months ago
She came. ...though half-leg deep in snow ; 44
And with the Dog retired behind
A rock which screen'd them from the wind ;
They soon returned, when CAPRA cried,
Adieu, my dear 1.. ..I'm satisfied !"
Dama. O rare exploit ! auspicious day 44^
ffi CAPUA'S life !
Jfumidica. Then went away.
Cross-examined by Ursus.
Ursus. Did they converse about the flock?
.Before they went behind the rock ?
Numidica. All that I heard was, she desired
A secret word, and they retired ; 45(J
The subject of their conversation,
Perhaps surpass'd my penetration.
Reynard. 'Twa not too deep for CAPRA'S, though^
If we may judge from what; we know.
BEASTS AT LAW, -
Here, for the present, rest the case,
And give our adversaries place.
The prosecution next commence,
Examining their evidence ;
BUBO their names proclaim'd aloud,
And having drawn them from the crowd,
He qualified them with a phiz, .
As grave as any judge's is.
ASINUS first assumed the stand,
An Ass, with mein and manners bland ;
With aspect modest and serene, 465
Perhaps the meekest ever seen ;
Whose movements ne'er surpast a fiace,
Save when he sought the Dog's disgrace,
And then, as if the de'il pursued,
He gallop'd swiftly through the wood. 470
Ursus. What conversation did you hold,
* With CANIS, guardian of the fold,
Respecting CAPRA'S accusations ?
Reynard. Here's more refiorft and conversations.
But I sincerely hope, my lord, 475
Before this testimony's heard,
The nature of it may be scann'dj
And fully open'd.
Ursus. Understand,
My learn'd opponents, 'tis to show
That the defendant, months ago, 480
Made to ASINUS full confession*
And own'd the whole of his transgression.
sltiinus. We instituted a committee
To talk with CANIS out of pity j
JB BEASTS AT
Advise him'to confesa his errors, 485
Nor meet disgrace with all its terrors;
But the alarming danger shun.
Of this committee I was one.
Fi LIS desired an interview
With CAMS.
Leofiardus. What have we to do 490-
With Cats again ? Why not relate
The theme of any tete-a-tete
As well as this ? Such evidence
Hepugnant is to common sense.
Ursus. This conversation was, my lord, 495
Communicated, word for word,
To CANIS, and on that was built
The full confession of his guilt ;
Twas the inducement, or the basis
Of his confession ...such the case is. 500
Dama. My lord, confessions cannot be
Direct, (so it appears to me)
When such inducements. ...such extortion,
Have drawn them forth... .why, 'tis abortion ;
There must be no inducement, sir, 505
To a confession of the Cur.
Equus^ My lord, I will maintain there should,
That it may well be understood
What the confession has betray'd,
And in what spirit it was made. 510
Court. You may go on and tell the court.
What you to CANIS did report,
If to the point it bear relation.
Did you .report the conversation
BEASTS AT LAW. 59
Between the Goat and Felis ?
Asinus. Yes. - 51 5
Dama. I must again object to this.
We're not prepared in our defence
To answer hear-say evidence,
Which this but leads to introduce....
I must object to such abuse, 520
Pardus. While they so very active are
To impeach our witness, 'tis but fair
To let her former declaration
Give present ones corroboration.
And secondly , my lord, we would, 525
Have the concealment understood,
Accounted for, by showing you
What first from her the secret drew.
And thirdly, touching the transgression,
Show what induced the Dog's confession, 530
And in what sense 'twas understood :
Is not such testimony good ?
Vertagus. This is a most refined pretence
To introduce, as evidence,
The accusations of a herd 535
Who can't substantiate a word,
And who, besides, dare not appear
To make these accusations here.
If the shrill mewings of a Cat
Against the Dog, with this and that, 540
Are here admitted, in succession,
As an inducement to confession,
Crimes might against the Dog appear,
Which he's no right or power to clear.
60 BEASTS AT LAW.
Already there has been enough 545
Aspersions, charges, and such stuff,
Spread round by Scandal's busy hand,
Without support on which to stand.
SCROFA, the Sow, who did her share,
In charges here before the chair, * 550
Was proved, and is considered, now,
An infamous lascivious Sow,
For slander's filthy gutter fitted,
And CANIS was of course acquitted.
Yet now, our adversaries wish 55-5
To serve, a second time, this dish.
Well, then, my noble lord, suppose
That, after all this slander goes
JEjc Parteto the horned jury,
For so it must be I assure you, 560
That no confession should appear ?
It goes for nothing then, 'tis clear.. ...
But probably your lordship thinks,
As 1 do, that such slander stinks,
And that the court ought not to hear it. 565
Not that our client need to fear it,
But that, my noble lord, because,
? Tis innovating on the laws.
At all events, it must be best,
If CANIS any thing confest, 570
To let it first be simply stated,
And when its nature is debated,
If it then call for explanation
There's time enough.
Reynard. One observation, 57$
BEASTS AT LAW. 61
And only one will I intrude.
It must, I think, be understood,
That a confession, in thefold,
However black, should not be told.
Unless necessity may call, 58
It should not be reveal* d at all ;
*T would be a breach of confidence.
Excusable on no pretence.
For sake of argument, suppose
He did confess.. ..whate'er he chose ;
That they extorted some expression
Which they denominate confession;
On what condition was it made ?
This, doubtless...." Not to be betray'd."
Then why uncharitably reveal 590
What they have promised to conceal ?
This, I affirm, is acting wrongly.
Equus. Which I, my lord, deny as strongly j
I reconcile such evidence
To conscience, law and common sense. 595
Court, ASINUS, you'd a conversation,
Which to the subject bears relation,
With the defendant ? Please to state it.
Mnus. I will, my lord, with truth relate it :
By the request of FELIS, sir, 600
I had a meeting with the cur.
'Twas six days (I remember now)
Before the trial of the Sow.
Ursus. But, on a certain time, did you
With CASIS ask an interview ? 605
Acinus. I did, just after SCROFA'S tvialj
And he expressing no denial.
6' BEASTS AT LAW.
Agreed the interview to hold
In MULUS* stall below the fold.
A conversation I related, 610
(After the Cat her own had stated
With the defendant) which would let
Some accusations
Vertagus. With regret,
I interrupt the evidence,
(If to that name it have pretence) 615
But duty bids me say, my lord,
With your indulgence. ...but one word.... [(; Ursus.
It strikes me that whate'er they call
Co'-fctisions here, will, after all
The means to which they have resorted, 620
Turn out to be from him extorted,
By unfair threats ...if that's the case,
The jury should not give it place.
I, therefore, lest debate should tire,
Would beg his lordship to enquire, 625
Whether, amid such threatening furies,
The Dog was so far siti juris,
As that his words, without restriction,
Are proofs enough for his. conviction.
My lord, confessions should be made 650
Where neither hopes nor fears invade.,
To be sufficient evidence
Of any Dog's conviction: hence,
That offered by the present witness
Is now opposed for its unfitness. 635
For if it should, my lord, appear,
That these concessions rose from
Of such an h
BEASTS AT LAW. 63
such an hostile combination.
Which play'd on his imagination ;
Which sported with his hopes and fears, 640
While in dismay, distress, and tears,
Lest malice, should he not confess,
Would murder all his happiness :
I say, my lord, if this be true,
He'd a more dreadful fate in view, 645
Than the worst Alligator's fury,
That swims the waters of Missouri.
JLeofiardus. When officers come into court
A beast*s confession to report,
It is their duty first to swear, 650
That 'twas not gain'd by means unfair ;
That threats nor bribes the secret wrung,
But free volition moved the tongue.
This is the right of the accused ;
And though the threats or bribes be used 655
By inducement of the prosecutor,
Or by himself ...as best shall suit her,
It still destroys the evidence.
F.yuus. Reason, my lord. ...mere common sense,
Is full enough to show each word 660
My friends have said, to be absurd.
But let the question now be put
And if they get an answer to't
In their own favor, by permission,
We'll then have time for disquisition. 665
Pardu *. A s i v u s , /; r w '" v.f to re 1 utin g
To A^IS, \. -.. the Cat was stating,
And what the Go -f; !nd told the C^t,
Did you use threats i come, answer that.
64 BEASTS AT LAW.
Asinm. J answer no But FELIS told him, 670
In tone a* if she meant to scold him, '
That if he did not see her mate,
Her mate would see the Mastiff, straight.
Court* Could what i/ou uttered be construed
As promises, or threatenings rude ; 675
Jlsinus. 'Twas hoped, my lord, as all advised,
The matter would be compromised.
Before confession, nought was stated
Concerning what the Cat related.
Her own affair, we hoped, would drop, 680
And no one ever rake it up.
My charges 'gainst the Dog, were three,...
Just as the Goat had told to me :
First, his professions of affection,
Which met from CAPRA due rejection ; 685
And, secondly^ resort to force,
Which rudeness was repell'd.... (of course)
And, thirdly^ what took place between
The parties at the granary scene.
I then began, and to his face, 690
Pronounced him infamous and base ;
He wept, and so did the committee....
He through confusion.. ..we from pity.
He said he felt such keen distress
He would the shameful truth confess ; 695
That his behaviour to these two
(The Cat and Goat) was bad he knew ;
So bad, he'd thought the Sow was sent
An instrument of punishment.
He afterwards, however, said 700
That this confession which he made,,
BEASTS AT LAW. 65
Was not intended to include
The acts, but conversations rude.
Cross-examined by Reynard.
Reynard. What office did the Mastiff hold,
Before appointed in the fold ? 705
Asinus. Near Mississippi's farthest spring,
He waited on our Mammoth king.
Dama. What character does CAPRA bear ?
Asinus, I never heard but that 'twas fair.
Court. Did she assert, do you suppose, 710
That she could lead you by the nose ?
Asinus. I heard she said so, but must doubt it.*..
At least, I care not much about it.
Dama. Told she the truth, that you by many,
Were call'd no name but " Sister .\a?iny ?" 715
Asinus. Envy alone gave me that name....
It never ting'd my cheek with shame.
Reynard. That which would cause an Ass , to blush
Wzuld bury other beasts in brush. . [aside..
Eguus. Who \vas the first, of all the fold, 720
That call'd you so ?
Mnu*. I've not been told.
Dama. Believed you SCUOFA'S accusation ?
Asinus. Not till the present confirmation ;
But now I do, and so I told
The Mustiff, when before the fold. 725"
Reun. You thought that CAPRA was not blameless f
But prone to acts which.... shall be nameless,
Aninits. If I made use of that expression,
'Twas grounded on the Dog's confession.
Rei-rard. You have felt deeply interested 730
1 1) this affair, since first contested?
O
BEASTS AT LAW*
Cer-vus. To that inquiry I object.
Dama. I'll prove the question is correct j
Because, my lord, it will be seen
That this meek Ass was moved by spleen ; 725
Was urged by hate and envy's sway,
Like some inveterate beast of prey ;
To range the forest, hill and bog,
For instruments to crush the Dog.
Court. Do you feel enmity or hate 740
Against the Dog ?
Mnus. I mourn his fate ;
Consider him a fallen brother,
Nor hate him worse than any other.
Dama. And for your fallen brother's good
Did you not ransack all the wood, 745
In search of counsel for the state,
To seal your fallen brother's fate ?
jisinus. That I can answer, if I must.
Dama. Did not my friend, the Courser, first,
Apply to you for leave to act 750
Against him ?
Equus. I deny the fact.
The course I took, rny lord, was built
On full persuasion of his guilt ;
And when retain'd, did not advise
This prosecution, till my eyes 755
Were fully opened by ASINUS,
Who did himself refuse to join us,
Till I insisted his support
Should be demanded by the court.
Da'- a. Has not some comrade often found you
With groups of cattle all around you, 761
BEASTS AT LAW.. 67
Urging their malice not to soften ?
Asinus. I've talked about it very often.'
Dama. You saw the Goat, some time before,
Kiss CANIS, at the granary door ? 765
Asinus. I never said I witness'd that ;
But I have heard he kiss'd the Cat ;
Such conduct may some creatures suit,
But 1 have never kiss'd a brute;
They may permit a canine elf, 770
But I will never do't myself.
Ovis. Good reason mhi/y unJioU&hed brute I
No elect nt shee/i would let you do'f. [aside.
The Ass retired with gentle pace,
And most serene unruffled face ; 775
Among the neighing tribes to stray,
And barter rotten oats for hay ;
For where he fed, beneath a W2//,
He kept a kind of broker's stall ;
And when a brute, for lack of grass, 78Q
Begg'd but a mouthful from the Ass,
He'd give a scanty lock of hay,
And take the suppliant's hide in pay.
Of better mettle, but of grain
More stubborn than the flinty plain,
A Mule, of obstinate deport, 785
Now stalk'd majestic into court,
Attended by his gentle mate,
On whose fair lips hung Mastiff's fate.
This beast had roarn'd the savage waste, 790
And knew a thousand plants by taste ;
So undertook, nor fear'd of failing,
To cure each beast of every ailing ;
6*8 BKASTS AT LAW,
And we had ne'er a quack to school us.
So much admired as doctor MULUS. ?&&
He took his station, as desired,
And CERVUS of him thus inquired :
Cer-vus. Had you a conversation, sir,
About this matter, with the cur ?
Inform the court if that's the case, 800
How, when, and where the same took place.
Mulua. I heard a conversation pass
JJctween the Dog, the Cat, and Ass ;
For I was present, by request,
To hear what talk escaped the rest. 805
Ceri>us. What conversation did you note
Concerning injuries done the Goat ?
JMulitf;. ASINUS, FELIS, Dog and all,
Came, by agreement, to my stall,
Some distance from the river shore 810
I'll tell the truth and nothing more. [earnestly.
Cervua* Did FELIS any charge produce
From CAPRA, of the Dog's abuse ?
Tell us the Mastiff's conversation....
What said the Cur on that occasion ? 515
Mulus. The Cat charged CAMS with the vise
Of telling CAPUA, once or twice,
Hovr much he loved her.. ..for which cause
He'd find that she (the Cat) had claws;
; For had you not, continued s.he, 820
Mucle love to her as well as me,
.My o\vr* complaint had not come out" *
JRcyn. A little jealousy, I doubt* [aside;.
JMitlus. CAMS confess'd that some expressions
I'.I:,d dropt from him Uke love-professions, 825
BEASTS AT LAW. 69
Which CAPRA had repell'd with scorn,
Threatening to tell her CAPRICORN ;
To leave the fold, and take no more
Her rations at the granary door.
Reyn. We recollect these rations, well. 830
Leoji. What further from the Mastiff fell ?
Mulus. He said, in a peculiar note,
" CAPRA'S an artful, cunning Goat ;
But I could circumstances state
To ruin CAPRA with her mate, 835
And give her credit such a shock,
That she'd be scorn' d by all the flock/'
I ask'd the Dog, in great surprise.
What gave to that assertion rise,
For nothing had I ever seen, $40
In CAPRA'S conduct bad or mean.
He answered thus : " I only meant
That acts, which may be innocent,
Might be display 'd in such a light,
That they'll appear as black as night ; 845
And should I something so display,
Her reputation fades away."
But, added, when I look'd surprised.
That such a measure he despised.
Take note of that ! ! 1"
Leofi. Hold, doctor Mule I 850
In this place you must bend to rule.
And such impertinence again,
Perhaps may meet a bit and rein.
Mulus. I merely by those words design'dj
That it should not escape your mind. 85 S
70 BEASTS AT LANV.
Three charges next ASINUS made,
The same which he has here displayed,
Against the Dog, who heard them through,
And then acknowledged...." it is true"
On. that, with most pathetic bray, 860
The Ass attempted to display
The danger of his awful course,
On which he dwelt with warmth and force,
CAMS replied, " I will confess,
That I have err'd....
Vertagus. JVb Ass does less. [aside 865
Mulus. " But must my innocence avow
Of charges stated by the Sow."
As I some things began to urge,
BRUIN* applied to stop a purge ;
And going to relieve the Bear, 870
MULA, I found was listening there,
Who said that she
Leofi. That will not do,
.Do not tell us what she told you ;
But let us hear what next took place,
When you'd prescribed for BRUIN'S case. 875
Mulus. When I return'd, to please my mate,
I let her witness the debate ;
Who ask'd, the moment she appeared,
The meaning of the speech she heard,
And what poor CAPRJV had been doing, S80
That CAMS could effect her ruin ?
a Why, my dear sister, he replied,
I only meant, that, if I tried,
I could make things so bad appear,
That she'd have every thing to fear.'j BBS
IMEASTS AT LAW, 71.
And then he mentioned an affair
To MULA known, about a Mare
Who innocently suffered so,
Above a year and half ago.
My mate enquired if he had seen
An action wanton, base, or mean,
In CAPRA'S conduct, or had heard
Her tongue pronounce a naughty word ?
And vow'd, if that should be the case,
The flock should bring her to disgrace, 895
He answer'd MUL\, that he had
Known nought of CAPRA mean or bad ;
But that a beast, inclined to ill,
Might consummate her fuin still.
Then in an accent low and irieek, 900
With fallen tail and moistened cheek,
He ask'd if we our rage would smother ?
" Forgive, he cried, a- fallen brother 1"^
ASINUS readily agreed,
And so we all forgave the deed; 905
Bade him depart, and sin no more,
And this affair should all blow o'er.
The Ass proposed for one to go
To CAPRICORN'S, and ward the blow >
1 undertook it for my brother, 910
Having more influence than another.
Reyn. With CAPRICORN, or CAPRA, doctor ?
Jtfulvs. I scorn your words, pedantic proctor !
Reyn. I must request the court, I fear.
To check your insolent career; 915
I cannot tell, unmanner'd Mule !
Jf you're a quack in physic's school ;
72 BEASTS AT LAW.
But that you're one in declamation
Needs not the proof of demonstration.
So now go on, with gentler pace. 920
Mulus. I soon arriv'd at CAPRA'S place,
And told her that the whole affair,
Through FELIS' means, was taking air ;
And wish'd, if possible, it might
Be buried in oblivious night.
The Goat, in monstrous rage, on that
Began to rail against the Cat,
For thus exposing, to the fold,
What she in confidence had told.
She now would have to tell her mate, 930-
Before he heard another's prate ;
For if he got it first from them,
Herself unheard he might condemn.
Cervus. Did you return and tell the Cur,
What past between yourself and her? 935
Mulus. I told the Dog our conversation,
And that 'twas her determination
To tell her mate the whole affair ;
When he exclaim'd, in deep despair,
"My ruin follows the disclosure !
Will she persist in my exposure ?
My future fate, my life or death
Suspended hang on CAPRA'S breath ;
'Tis hers to save, or else destroy
My every hope of earthly joy.
If you can do me any good.
For Mammoth's sake, I wish you would I"
I told him that he might depend
On my exertions as a friend;
BEASTS AT LA^SV. 73
And so we parted.
Cervus: \Vhenhadyou 950
With CAPKICORN an interview ?
Afulus. He came that evening to my stall,
And said his mate had told him all.
He seem'd composed, sedate and cool,
But obstinate.
Reyn. As any Mule. [aside 955
Mulus. Resolved to seek for satisfaction.
And institute a legal action.
I used my rhetoric in vain
His resolution to restrain ;
And so did Sister Nanny too,
But our dissuasion would not do. 96Q
He swore to make the Mastiff smart,
And in that humor did depart.
Cross examined by Leopardus.
Leop. You undertake, on oath, to say
You t^ed to do this thing away, -965
And wish'd to have it quite forgot ?
Mulus, I do.
Leofi. But tell me, did you not
Through all the wood pursue your rout,
And bray malicious slanders cut,
To prejudice the beasts at large, 970
Against the object of their charge ?
Mulu&. Not till I saw a combination
Resolved on virtue's degradation ;
Prepared the cause of vice to prop,
\Yhile that of innocence should drop. 973
Leo.'i. Did not the fold expel you thence ?
Mulus, Not for the want of evidence
74 BEASTS AT
On my behalf
JLeop. I wish to know
If you sought Mastiff's overthrow,
Or in his service was sincere ? 980
Mulus. The Cat would tell you, were she here.
Leoft. You thought your agency would tend
To serve the Mastiff as a friend ?
Mulus. I've told you once how I designed it ;
If you want other language, find it. 985
Reyn. Answer directly with precision
Did you think yours a friendly mission ?
Mulus. I did not think the Cat his friend,
But never did myself intend
To injure CANIS in the least, 990
Whatever names I call'd the beast.
jLeo/z. You said you pitied and forgave him ?
M^lus. Yes, so I did, and wish'd to save him.
Leoft. But since have changed ?
Mulus. I think 'twas time>
When CANIS first confest his crime, 995
And then denied what he'd confest.
Leofi. The moment CAPRICORN exprest
Irlis firm resolve to prosecute,
You turned, and join'd in the pursuit ?
Mulus. I changed opinion on the ground 1000
That he had such supporters found,
As would destroy, in his defence,
The character of innocence ;
Virtue asperse, to ward his fate,
And even implicate my mate, 1005
BEASTS AT LAW. 75
Mulua dismissed, and Mula called.
Cer-vus. Madam, you'll please to tell the court
Whate'er you know.
Reyn. Except report.
Mula. The cause of my intrusion, sir,
Was merely this I heard the Cur
Tell FELIS he could quite destroy 1010
The Goat's fair fame, and every joy ;
And easily effect her ruin.
The doctor being call'd by BRUIN,
I ask'd him if he wa'nt ashamed
To hear poor CAPRA thus defamed ? 1015
And then requested his permission
To join the little inquisition;
Which being granted, I begun,
And ask'd what act the Goat had done
That he (the Mastiff) could destroy 1020
Her reputation, peace, and joy ?
The Mastiff answered "you mistake ;
My meaning was, that I could make
Some things, by glossing, seem so black,
That CAPRA'S fame would go to wreck." 1025
The sun was set, and evening's shade
Hung deepening o'er the narrow glade ;
The trees distill'd refreshing damps,
The fire flies trimm'd their little lamps ;
The cricket tried his amorous note, 1030
The tree-toad tuned his hoarser throat ;
The bull-frog chaunted from the stream,
Sparkling with Cynthia's silver beam ;
While whipperwills, from every grove,
Taught Echo's voice the tone of love. 1035
76 BEASTS AT LAW.
LEO, fatigued with regal cares,
A long dull day of law affairs,
Required refreshing sleep's support,
And so adjourn'd the savage court. 1039
END OF CANTO II.
BEASTS AT LAW:
OR,
Zoologian Jurisprudence.
CANTO III.
H
THE ARGUMENT.
DESCRIPTION of morning the court meets CAPUA re-ex
amined Recapitulation Cross-examined by LEOPARPUS
RUBE cu LA, the Redbreast, examined GALLINAGO, the
Snipe, examined SCOLOPAX, the Woodcock, examined
Cross-examined by PARDUS CORNICULUS, the Rabbit,
examined ERINACEUS, the Hedgehog 1 , examined The
Opossum examined The Rat examined The Sparrow
examined The Woodpecker examined The Quail exami
ned The Fox examined, for the prosecution Cross-ex
amined, by LEOPARD us- ASINUS re-examined, for the
prosecution MERULA, the Blackbird, re-examined Dr.
MULUS re-examined, for the prosecution The evidence
closed, by LEOPARDUS REYNARD'S speech for the De
fendant The speech of LEOPARDUS for defendant The
speech of URSUS, in summing up for the beasts- Martin's
speech against the defendant The LION'S charge to the
jury The end.
S c E N,E as before . Time ajout t\v eive hours
BEASTS AT LAW.
A POEM,
IN THREE CANTOS'.
CANTO ip.
'* Be Dog and Goat together tied ;
A hoodwink'd Ape with lash supplied^
And while each stroke at random falls,
The first that winces, cries, or squalls,
Shall be the scoff of all the race,
And held in abject low disgrace."
Sentence of the court.
THE morn, in purple glories dight,
Now burst upon the rear of Night,
Who, gathering up his lurid vest,
Retreated swift towards the west.
All nature wakes from soft repose, 5
The flowers their dewy breasts unclose,
Whsre insect tribes their votaries pay,
And sip their nectared sweets away.
The birds commence their matin song,
And streams of music float along ; 10
Their grassy couch the herds forsake,
To crop the mead, or taste the lake,
And all commence the infant day,
As toil or pleasure points the way ;
Till summoned by the Jackall's roar, /15
The court assembled as before.
* BEASTS AT LAW.
Cafira 're-examined.
Cervus. CAPRA, we call on you
Some information to obtain,
Why you have waited till this time
Since Dog's commission of the crime, 2Q
And hid his fault till this late season
Of this delay explain the reason.
Cafira. I feared the consequences, sir,
Would be most dreadful to the Cur ;
And so assumed a feigned esteem, 2
That none the truth might ever dream?
The secret of my wrongs, untold
To any member of the fold,
,So weigh'd upon my aching breast,
That 1 had neither health nor rest ; 4P
My spirits sunk beneath the weighs,
Till nature found the load too great*
J Twas then, (about six weeks ago)
Finding existence ebbing low,
.To FELIS I disclosed the fact, 3o
And begg'd her counsel how to act;
But made her promise ne'er to, teH.
^f he secret I had kept so well,.
Cervw. But first did she accuse the Cur
Of having done the same to her ? 40
Ca/ira. Yes, she confided first in me,
So I could do no less, you see,
Than trust her with my confidence,
Though I repent it sadly since.
Cervus. How came you finally to tell 45
Your matCj whose rage you knew so well ?
BEASTS AT LAW.' 81
Caflra. After the Cat had thus betray'd it,
I knew 'twas useless to evade it ;
And so to CAPRICORN confest
The whole affair and eas'd my breast. *0
Cervus. Ovis affirms she heard a kiss,
When once together how is this ?
Cafira. The time she mentions I can swear
J Twas she who kiss'd the Mastiflf there,
And when I charged her with the blame 55
She begg'd me ne'er to tell the same.
Cervus. Ovis, you know, has sworn she saw
You coming from the Mastiff's straw ;
Explain that matter.
Cajira. 'Tis a lie
The Ewe was there herself not I. 60
Cervua. The Magpie swears you show'd a Stag
Your dugs.
Cafira. What insolence in Mag!
She knows that time I suckled kid,
And if he saw themthen he did.
Cervus. The Goldfinch swears you kiss'd the Cur .
What answer can you give to her ? 66
Cajira. My mate was present at the time,
And would he overlook the crime ?
Would he see CANIS thus offend,
And still remain his warmest friend ? 70
For such he was, I dare avow,
In that affair about the Sow ;
Where I am sure (although acquitted)
That CAXIS had the crime committed.
Cervus. One witness has affirmed you cried 7$
*< Adieu, my dear ! Pm
US
8 BEASTS AT LAW.
Cafira. I do not recollect it, sir j
I ne'er in private saw the Cur,
Except, as I have stated here,
The tune the villain bit my ear. 80
Cross-examined, by Leopardus.
Leoft. You heard COLUMBA here relate
Remarks of yours about your mate ;
You said you had to kick and spur
Cafira. I never said the thing to he-r,
Leofi. What say you of the river scene, 8$
After you both were wash'd so clean ?
Did you not nestle in his hair
To screen you from the chilly air ?
Cafira. He cover'd me to make me warm,
And I had not a thought of harm ; 9O
Had I suspected any evil,
I would have butted like the devil.
Court. You must have done so, then, *tis clear,
When he was rude, and bit your ear?
Cafira. I had not time, 1 fled away, $
1 felt so vext I could not stay.
Rubeculciy the Redbreast , examinee^,
Leoji. My little Robin, please to state
What you have heard the Ass relate.
Rub. Ovis enquired of him, one day,
What the poor Mastiff had to say ; 100
And whether he'd the whole confess'd,
When thus the Ass himself exprest :
' The Dog does not confess the fact,
And still denies he did the act ;
lie only owns he dropt expressions 105
Which might amount to love-professions,'*
LEASTS AT LAW.- 8&
And this I heard ASINUS say,
Some time since the confession-day.
Leofi. Call up the Snipe.
Darria. She's here at hand.
Le.op. Sweet GALLINAGO, take the stand. 110
Tell what you know.
Gall. I ask'd the Ass,
Who came my way about some grass,
If CANIS had confess'd his faults ;
He told me he denied assaults,
And every thing akin tofirce, 115
But merely own*d some loose discourse.
And then ASINUS added to't,
That CAPRA was a shocking brute ;
Obscene in talk, and rude to boot.
Scolo/iaxy the Woodcock, examined.
Scol. My GALLINAGO spoke correct, 120
And I, besides, can recollect
How zealous in the Mastiff 's cause
This very same ASINUS was,
His crime, he told a dozen birds,
Was merely trifling, foolish words, 13-5
For which no creature ought to smart,
And he forgave him from his heart.
The Translator must here express his regret for the
unavoidable omission of several pages of this interesting- tri
al. But although he has searched high and low for them,
they cannot be found. There is but one chance remaining
for their existence They might have been accidentally left
with the boatmen, on the Missisippi. The translator has dis
patched a. courier la Fort Pitt, and, another to New-Orleans*
$8 BEASTS At LAW.
to make enquiries on this subject. , Should these messengers
be successful, the public shall be furnished, without delay,
with the object of their search, neatly printed in a supplement.
Until that auspicious moment, they are requested to suspend
their curiosity, and pass on to the remainder of the work.
From a careful perusal of the original, immediately following
this unfortunate hiatus, I find, that the Fox has arisen to ad-
dress the court on the part of the defendant ; that he has
summed up the evidence, and thus proceeds in addressing*
the jury : J
" You are not summon'd to decide 295
Whether defendant be allied
To the fleet Pointers of his nation,
Or as a Cur deserves his station ;
This would be usurpation rude,
And on our monarch's rights intrude, 300
To whose prerogative alone
Belong the means to make it known,
Nor are you to emblazon forth
Defendant's worth, or lack of wortft,
In character, or orthodox, 305
As guardian of his fold and flocks ;
This is for those who placed him there,
Confiding in his trust and care :
And those who dare this right invade,
Should to all beasts a scorn be made. 310
You've simply to decide the facts,
Whether defendant did the acts j
And did the acts with rude intent,
Against the plaintiff's own consent i
For in the law, by legal course, 313
Assault and battery rise from force ;
And where no force is used, *tis plain,*
No cause for action can reraain.
BEASTS AT LAH% 89
' ki Tis requisite, in your decision,
To give the evidence revision,
And make an honest calculation
Of CAPRA'S worth in reputation.
Who is this CAPRA ? Horned jury,
'Tis painful business, I assure ye,
To urge enquiries which embrace
A fellow-creature's sad disgrace.
But when a female, dead to shame,
Will thus the public notice claim ;
When she enlists in such a cause,
Not for the love of virtue's laws, 330
But for the purpose of destroying
The fame which others are enjoying,
Tis ours the question to pursue....
Who is the prosecutrix ? ... Who- f
On her own statement, she's a beast
Who'll bear an insult well at least ;
And live in friendship with the brute
Who treats her like a prostitute ;
Conceal his insults from her mate,
For nearly three years after date. '340
If we can credit her report,
Made here on oath before the court-
She bore with patient resignation
A wrong of deepest aggravation ;
Permitted her chaste matron ear <S43
The wrong repeatedly to hear ;
Endured a base attempt at force,
And yet pursued her friendly course,
And still the treacherous wretch carest
Who thus profaned her virtuous breast I
50 BEASTS AT LAW.
Her guardian, too ! whose sacred duty
Was not to taste, but guard her beauty,
In whom she saw a fiend of night
Clad in habiliments of light !
It was a crime against her mate, 555
The partner of her wayward fate ;
An insult to her Mammoth king,
From whom our various blessings spring ;
And yet, surprising to relate,
She never told her tender mate ; 360
Nor do we hear of such a thing
As her complaining to the king :
The angel still, unknown to evil,
Associated with the devil !
Two years roll'd on, and all was peace, 365
Her friendship suffered no decrease ;
No cloud obscured the atmosphere,
No storm of rage did yet appear ;
(And still, 'tis seen by all the jury,
She's got the temper of a fury.) t 37O
Why, sirs, the story of this Goat
Will cut her own polluted throat ;
It cannot stand. ...the truth has weight
To make it sink in spite of fate.
'Tis loaded with intrinsic proof, 37 5
Either that insult kept aloof,
Or that, if it approach*d her breast,
'Twas there invited and carest.
" Such is the Goat, on her report,
Believing what she told the court j 380
What is she by report of those
Who in support of CANIS rose ;
BEASTS AT LAW. 91
XViio even modesty discarded,
That justice might not be retarded ?
Gladly would they have shunn'd the task 385
Of stripping vice of virtue's mask ;
But when they saw their friend must yield.
Should they abash* d desert the field,
They chose the treacherous snake to slay,
And save her charm'd, bewildered prey. 390
By them, this Goat appears to hold
No claim to virtue in the fold :
She has those very teats exposed
Which she complains that CANIS nosed ;
She has declared, she feared her eyes, 595
Would show how warm her wishes rise ;
And that she dared not be alone
With any male, except her own.
But these foul stains are snowy white,
Compared with others brought to light.... 400
She stands convicted of complaining
(Not while the gloom of night was reigning,
But in the open light of day)
That CAPRICORN could not allay
The flames of lust which fill her veins.... 40
The fire that in her bosom reigns ! ! 1
And yet, she can of -virtue prate,
And has the hardihood to state
That/orce against her had been used,
And her fair chastity abused ! ! ! 410
Why, gentle Bulls, as well might you
Complain of all the Heifers, too ;
With the same justice, too, might I
Qompiain that Chickens cannot fly ;
92 BEASTS AT LAW.
Or FELIS, while she roves the heath, 415;
That Rabbits jump between her teeth !
The prosecutrix, we are told,
Six years ago first join'd the fold ;
Which she found happy and united,
And every member much delighted 420
With their good shepherd, whom they bring
From court. ...first chaplain of our king.
He came, with royal honors deck'd,
This flock to foster and protect;
He came, inspired with honest zeal 425
(In my opinion) for its weal ;
To teach them where to rove and feed,
To crop the grass, or shim the weed ;
To taste the brook.... and never stray,
Lest lurking danger guard the way. 430
Such was the flock, as Heaven design'd it,
When this pernicious CAPRA join'd-it.
Scarce had she entered, when, behold !
We find a serpent in the fold,
Whose hell-born art of fascination 4$5
Was levelled at the highest station ;
She mark'd her victim, and began
To prosecute her treacherous plan.
Though, with the sheep, in Erie thrust,
Its waters had not cool'd her lust ; 440
And she her scheme so well pursued,
I marvel CANIS wa'n't subdued.
She kiss'd him, to awake desire,
And fed, with richest food, the fire ;
On his retirement has intruded, 445
And to her own the Dog deluded ;
BLASTS AT LAW. 93
In short, combined such charms together,
As might inspire a stupid wether.
" Still the defendant did not fall....
For, had he yielded to her call, 450
The fiend of lust had been appeased,
And CAPRA with the Mastiff pleased ;
No prosecution had been seen,
Nor love have changed to hate and spleen.
But he rejected her desires, 455
Till they assumed infernal fires ;
Her blasted hopes were turn'd to rage,
And she resolved this war to wage.
Panting for vengeance, still she fear'd
The Mastiff was so much revered, 460
That her bare, unsupported tale,
Would in the cause of vengeance fail;
And, therefore, potent means devised
By which the Dog might be surprised.
Could he be frightened to confession 465
Of any action like transgression,
She thought the work would be complete,
And CAMS would with shame retreat;
So organised an inquisition,
Of beasts just fitted for the mission. 4TG
F LIS, a Cat of tarnished fame,
Whose jealousy she could inflame,
Was chosen as a proper tool,
Asm us next, and then the Mule ;
The latter from the flock expell'd, 47s
She knew would gladly take the field ;
While she could 'lead, whene'er she
meek Afcivus by the nose.
I
$4 BEASTS AT LAW.
The council met, in dread array,
Their accusations to display, 480
And taking CANIS by surprise,
They conjure up before his eyes,
A host of dangers that await
Kis hardened, unconfessing state;
Till, quite bewildered, he confest 485
Some foolish speech he had exprest ;
And thus confiding # ^ # # #
Here is another deficiency in the Arabic MS. The
remainder of this excellent speech seems to be lost, and two
others, noted in the argument, must have shared a similar
fate, to wit : that of LEO PARC us, on the part of the defend-
ant, and that of URSUS, in summing up for the beasts, on the
part of CAPRA. The Martin, for the prosecution ; appears to
have closed the observations, a part of whose speech I am
enabled to translate, the commencement of it being so de
faced, that it is impossible for me to decypher it. He thus
proceeds :]
" This Goat, it seems, saw fit to call
And visit CANIS at his stall ; 680
Who begg'd a private chat to hold
u On matters that concerned the fold."
Confiding in him, she retired,
And he with wickedness inspired,
Assaii'd her virtue I lick'd her teats ! 685
And almost scared her into fits !
And what excuse did he prefer
For such assault I The treacherous Cur
Attempts to prove our Mammoth king
Would pardon such a trifling thing : 690
BEASTS AT LAW. 9->
But finding his intreaties vain,
This virtuous Goat's consent to gain,
He next this awful threat applies :
"If you your reputation prize,
Keep this a secret... .or I swear, 695
By the official garb I wear,
I'll tell the flock, and they'll believe it,
What damns your fame.. ..you can't retrieve it."
Besides all this, to gam his ends,
lie thus the horrid act commends : 700
" If I, your shepherd, dare commit it,
Sure your own conscience may acquit it ;
Why, I have twice perforra'd the thing,
And yet am honored by the king ;
So far from losing reputation, 70S
I've been promoted to this station."
He then the well-known fable brought,
About the mouse by Lion cv.aght,
To demonstrate that any ill
Can find forgiveness, if we will. 710
" Tis stated that a combination
Is formed to blast his reputation :
I'll grant it.. ..but 'tis not my client,
Nor yet the Ass, or ?,!ule, rely on" c,
Who form this combination.. ..No I
Those who have plann'cl his overthrow,
Are his own counsel and the thr
Of evidence they brought along ;
Whose tales have shock'cl each modest car.
And cail'd forth delicacy's tear ;
Thrill'd every virtuous heart wit
And damn'd the Mastiff, pv
96 BEASTS AT LAW.
" And first, fair Ovis....her report
Can never influence such a court j
Suppose that CAPRA ask'd the Cur, 72$
As Ovis swears, to visit her ;
Suppose he shared her choicest food,
Does't follow that the Goat w,as rude ?
NO....OVIS, by her evidence,
Pourtrays herself the slave of sense ; 7*30
A loose, light, giddy, wanton ewe,
As e'er disgraced the bleating crew;
The " weak spit" story I despise
As I clo her that gave it rise.
As to the Magpie's declaration*. 735
It merits no investigation ;
And POLL, the Parrot's, is so vile,
To touch it would my tongue defile.
The Pigeon is a pretty bird,
But when her vulgar tale I heard, 740
So foreign from her honest duly,
1 could not but forget her beauty.
The Ringdove's story claims attention,,..
For if 'tis more than mere invention,
Jt proves, in spite of all they say, v 745
That CANIS met the Goat half way.
NUMIDICA, the Turkey's tale ?
If you believe it, cannot fail
To damn the Dog.. ..for she affirms,
In the most plain and vulgar terms? 750
That Canis did commit the act.,.-,
r^CP Whrt! another deficiency ! Gentle reader, Jt is nat
lilt When I commenced the translation I thought live
BLASTS AT LAW. 97
work was perfect and entire ; but now find, to my great HIOP-
titication, that more than half the third Canto is missing-
Even LEO'S most excellent charge to the jury is involved in
the same fate, excepting- a small portion of it, in which he
sums up the evidence, and explains the law, in a most mas
terly manner. He then goes on to reprobate the immoral
tendency of such trials upon public morals, and concludes
in the following manner :~]
' t( And lastly, gentle Bulls, if you
Believe that CAMS did pursue
The lecherous course imputed to him,
Your verdict must, and will, undo hinj. 9 SO
But if, again, 'tis your opinion,
That CAPRA, under lust's dominion,
Invited what she now calls/ore?,
You must acquit the Dog of course."
[|Cr* SAMPFILIUS then informs us, in a note, that tlie
jury retired about midnight, and after consulting on the sub
ject an hour, returned into Court and delivered the following*
verdict by their foreman:]
" The jury, having weigh'd the cause, 985
By justice, truth, and virtue's laws,
Beg leave to state, that all their talents
Can find no difference in the balance ;
And so this verdict bring on oath....
" The Dog and Goat are Guilty both." 990
" Since that's the case, the judge replies,
With me alone the duty lies,
First to exhort you to repentance,
And then declare our final sentence :
" BE Dog and Goat together tied : 995
A ho9d-wink'd Ape with lash supplied,
98 BEASTS AT LAW. *
And while each stroke at random falls*
The first that winces, cries, or squalls,.
Shall be the scoff of all the race,
And held in abject, low disgrace/' 1000
BSD ? THE
NOTES TO CANTO I.
52d line. A Mammoth held his regal sway, &c,
As I expect all the Critics upon my back, I intend, if pos-
sible, to anticipate their attacks. I have already been quiz
zed upon my author's introducing- a Mammoth on the stage,
when he was an Arabian, and could never have heard of such
an animal. But I hope the doubts of my readers, on this
head, will be dispelled, on perusing the following- brief sketch
of the history of SAMPFI LI us PHILOERIN, which I have hasti
ly compiled from the folio Biography in my possession. In
deed, I had contemplated giving this interesting work to the
public entire ; but am now determined to decline it, until
their patronage for the poem shall have convinced me they
are deserving of such an exquisite treat.
SAMPFILIUS PHILOERIN was born in Arabia Felix, about
the time that Cyrus had extended his conquests over all the
kingdoms of the East. SAMPTILIUS was a direct descend
ant, in the male line, of Ishmael, the son of Hagar, fdle-de-
chambre to the patriarch Abraham. He had the advantage
of an excellent education, and early imbibed a thorough
knowledge of mankind. His fables were comprised in twelve
royal quarto volumes, and rendered him famous throughout
the east before he was six years old ; but these were "lost
iu the vortex of revolutions," long before the art of printing-
\vas invented. Ere he attained the age of manhood, he be
came so disgusted with the despotism under which he exist
ed, that he involved his whole &mily in ruin by too public an*
expression of his disaffection. Finding himself an outcast
among his countrymen, and his very life in danger, he re
solved on seeking his fortune in a foreign clime, and thus to
gratify an inordinate thirst for travelling, which he had long
cheris'hed. He accordingly disguised himself in the habit of
a -wandering Arab, and commenced his new career amid dan
gers and difficulties, which a soul of inferior talejxts and firm*
ness would have despaired of surmounting.
100 BEASTS AT
After visiting- every part of Asia, he found himself, at the
age of forty, in the most north-eastern extremity of those in
clement regions which have since become a portion of the
Itussian empire ; and at length safely landed on the shores of
this continent, on a cuke of ice. Here he had to encounter
i'resh difficulties, and renew the fatigue of travelling over
enormous mountains of ice and snow, some dozen times
higher than the Andes, in search of a less frigid region, in.
which he might rest from the toils of a tour so unpleasant
and unprofitable as the one in which, for twenty years, he had
been thus engaged. At the end of about six months he at
tained his wish, and found himself on the fertile banks of the
Mississippi, in the summer season. Here a new creation
burst upon his enraptured view ; and he almost imagined'
himself in the spicy groves of his native soil, inhaling the am
brosial fragrance of Arabia's odoriferous zephyrs. He soon
learned that he was in the midst of an empire of civilized
brutes, governed by a monarch, whose goodness was only
equalled by his size. Here he resolved to fix his abode, and
here he did in fact reside until the termination of his earthly
existence. Previous to his death, he collected together his
papers, and after destroying those which he thought of no
consequence to some future age which he anticipated, he en
closed the remainder in a solid spar of crystal, and sunk
them in the river on whose banks he expired.
Centuries rolled away, and this virtuous race of animals
gradually declined, giving place to a new order of beings,
viz : the red men of the wood, who made it their business to
extirpate, by every mean in their power, the former inhabit
ants of this sylvan paradise. The Mammoth king shared
i.hc common fate ; and his bones are now exhibited in an Eu
ropean museum.
About two months ago, as a Boat was descending the Mis
sissippi, one of the boatmen, a little elevated with whiskey,
Jell overboard^ and went instantly to the bottom. His com
rades, after a vast deal of difficulty, at length discovered the
body, on the oozy bed of the river,, clinging fast to the very
spar of crystal above mentioned. In a few hours they suc
ceeded in getting their companion, and the apparent object
of his affection, out of the river. The man was dead ; but the
jnanuscripts of SAMPFILIUS PHII.OERIN were thus acci
dentally rescued from the waters of oblivion, forthe applause
of an admiring world. The papers being all written in Ara
bic, (mere heathen CJreek to the boatmen) I had no difficulty
in procuring them ; and the spar of crystal is now deposited
in the American Museum, kept by Mr. Scudder, in this city,
where those who have the curiosity may examine it at thcii 1
kisuie.
BEASTS AT, LAW. .,. . 10 1
The above sketch is but the faint oUtl'me* of sm enolraous '
XTOrk, which, as I-said before, I will not give the public, unless
they pay me well for " Zoologian Jurisprudence" which being-
the author's last production, will, I think, be a correct crite-.
rion by which the public may judge of his other works,
108th /. jy^re not such rakes as noty-a~-days, 8cc.
Through the whole of this Poem, SAMPFILIUS seems to
have been aware that he was not writing- for the times in
\viuch he lived ; but, with an eye to futurity, has taken par
ticular care to suit his language to ours. Thus, a kiss, of
which there is so much fuss made in this trial, conveys to our
imagination (as the author intended) the mere joining- of
|ips ; but the beasts of his day had a very different mode of
doing it, and one peculiar to themselves ; but which was,
nevertheless, for all the world, a bonajide KISS, and nothing
less or more.
166th L "JFIwo-hoo.' Whoo-hoo > JFhoo-hoo >"
This it seems was the Zoologian mode of opening 1 court
and it appears to sound as well, and contain full as much
meaning, as our modern "O yes ! O yes ! O yes !"
293d I. Your boa-ships are to hear a suit, &c.
There is a doubt on my mind respecting this word. Wliethec.
it be synonomous with mazier, or /orJ-ships, or whetiiei it be
derived from the latm word for bull, the learned mi^st de;c-;-
mine.
384th /. Fortve'vcpome anchors thrown to ivindvjard, &c.
This is evidently an anachronism, as it is not to be suppo*
sed that these beasts knew any thing about navigation. But
my learned friend Tristram Kickshins differs with me in opin
ion, and asserts that it is sufficiently demonstrated that they
did know something about that art, in the 398th line, where
it makes mention of the beasts marching on board the ship
of cap t. Noah. But I take this, and every tihing of a siinih;--
nature in the poem, to be an. expression of the author, ;
not of the beast to whom it is attributed. It is a figmv
oetica lwentia t for ^ 7 Ui-;h any candid rcad?r will v'l-
NOTES TO CANTO II.
144th line. +4 passion for the smell of ponder, &c.
O wonderful-spirit of prophecy, that ould thus foretel the
Invention of gunpowder ! Had this s'tory been written for
Zooiogian libraries, at that day, it could not have been com
prehended.
767th /. But I have heard he kiss'd the Cat, &c.
As the affection of CANIS for the Cat has been several
times mentioned in the course of this poem, and as that cir
cumstance appears repugnant to the practice of these times,
an explanation may be necessary. Know, therefore, that in
ancient times, there was not that, positive distinction among 1
animals which exists at the present day ; and in the Pug-,
the Greyhound, Lap dog- Sec. we find the descendants of
Dog and Cat. A particular fondness is said to have existed
for the Lap Dog by all the brute creation, and especially the
at. And notwithstanding- the growing evil which the too
frequently indulging this animal has occasioned, we find it
continued even until this late period. Hence we account for
the motley variety visible in almost every tribe of animals.
250th L Thane-vest cuifor pigeon--cings, &c.
It is not to be supposed that the polite accomplishment of
iff had ever been introduced among 1 the savage race ;
how then, exclaiTLis the critic, became they acquainted with
one of the most beautiful steps belonging- to that art? Why,
Mr. What-d'ye-caU'em, Fashion, that fickle goddess, eldest
daughter of Iris, by that unparalleled rake Old Mr. Caprice,,.
has existed in all ages, courtlries, nations, kingdoms and
people, biped or quadruped, civilized or uncivilized, ever
.since Adam and Eve emerged from swaddling-clothes. Is ft,
then, so very unnatural, sir, that two females should con
verse upon "the subject of dress and ornament, when they
BEASTS AT 1AW. 103
were alone together for one whole hour? In this kingdom of
brutes, at the time my author wrote, the shape of wings,
the color of hair, and the crook of horns, were esteemed
considerations of the first importance. Let this explanation
serve for every other passage in the whole poem, where there
is the shadow of allusion to the same subject.
My friend Samuel must be mistaken, when he declares that
the daughter of Iris was begotten by Mister Caprice. Jt is
not in the nature of things to suppose Caprice is any thing
more or less than a woman. I and Doctor Johnson, both of
us, agree in this ; and also Mr. Shakspeare, who says,
" Frailty, thy name is woman /
And for a more strong- conviction, I say, in my Classical
Dissertation on the nature of Things,
! Woman ! What art thou, Woman !
Tristram Jfickshins.
692d L He -wept, and so did the committee, &c.
"ADo^wecp! nonsense! such a thing was never heard
of I'd not believe it, though himself should swear it " Why,
my friend, you must be an ignorant puppy, if you really doubt
the fact. How do you define the word weep ? I tell you, once
for all, that there is a Zoologian method ot -weeping as well as
of kissing. Every thing has i*s mode. Who does not know
that a Deer, taken by the hounds, sheds tears like a man ?
Some brutes possess more sensibility than some men.
Translator,
My learned friend Samuel is correct; and I am happy to
find he agrees with myself and Dr Johnson. If a dog is ca
pable of laughing, why should we suppose he is deprived the
opposite sensation ? for instance,
" High diddle diddle, the Cat's in thejiddle,
" The dish run ufter the spoon ;
The Little Dog laugh'd to see such crcft,
" TliC Cotv jtimp'd o"ver the moor,"
Harvey's Jlfeditation, in the Tombs.
Thus we find, from undoubted authority, that a dog can
laugh ; and to prove that he can cry, I will give an extract
from a beautiful Poem which I wrote on Mosquito shooting,
where I say
" The 'Sketers then made such a hum,
" The little dogs all wept y Gym .'"
Tristram Kickahina.
104? EA*TS AT LAV.
718th I. That -which -would cause an Ass to blush.
Would bury other beasts in brush.
At tills couplet many of my friends have stumbled ; but to
me it appears as plain as A, B, C. It amounts simply to this-:
" An action that would make an Ass feel ashamed, would
cause othv,-r beasts to fly into a thicket, and hide their heads
in underwood or brush." Translator:
My friend Samuel is wrong again. The Arabian author
meant, brush .' that is, be off ! Or as a Grecian author says,
Push on, keep moving, my hearty !
And 1 have classically expressed a similar sentiment in niy
Dissertation on Earthen Ware, where I say,
That bitch hassbroke my pickle pot,
And she shall brush by all that's hot !
Tristram Kickshins,
853d It Perhaps may meet a bit and rein, &c.
This is the second time that this expression occurs in the
present work ; and we cannot help observing, that, though
Sampflius might have been well acquainted with every
equestrian appendage, still we cannot conceive now a Leop
ard should be so familiar with the terms.
The Translator.
1'INIS.
14 DAY USE
RETUP TO DESK FROM WHICH P
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