THE BEAT WITHIN ' A WEEi
Hfr&tBBttlfMim^ " M
Through my 17 years on
this earth I have been
through a lot of hardships
and troubles. I used to think that
the cards that I was dealt in life
was very tough and unfair, which
made me not care about living and
actually looking forward to death
because it might be better than
how I was living on earth. But as
I got older and much more mature ^
and wiser, I figured out why I was *
dealt that hand.
read the rest of Knowledge's POW on page 7
The Life and Death Issue
— EDITOR'S NOTE • VOLUME 12.40 —
Welcome editorial note readers to the last issue of 2007!
We can't believe we made it to this point, 46 issues later, and
despite the setbacks - health, finances, personnel issues that
we have been dealing with all year - we have had a successful
year and leave you with a pretty damn good issue. You best
believe we look forward to our thirteenth season which is
right around the corner!
This weeks special issue is devoted to the writings on "Life
and death." We truly believe The Beat writers give us Beat
readers an eye-opening glimpse into their worlds, on two very
challenging topics.
Here's the breakdown on the topics as they were presented
to our readers during the workshops...
This issue will be the special "Life and Death Issue." In
this issue only pieces that touch on life and death will be
published. The following questions pertaining to Life and
Death will hopefully give you some insight on what to share
with The Beat readers. Any pieces not on topic will be featured
in the following issue.
"Death..." - What comes to mind for you when you hear
the word death? Death is dark, heavy and painful, yet many
of us thrive on living on the edge, selling dope, packing guns,
and living with that gangsta "I don't give a shhh" mentality.
Sure all of us one day are going to die, but tragically many of
us have lost loved ones to violence at young ages. Can you pay
your respects in The Beat of that special someone who left us
too soon? What have you learned from going to funerals? Do
you go? Tell us about your grieving process. What can you tell
readers about being on the scene of a fatal crime? Have you
seen death? What is that like to witness first hand the tragic
death of a close family member or a total stranger? What must
a mother/father (any family member) go through, losing their
child? How have you dealt with death up to this point? From
reading The Beat for many years now, sadly, it appears that
many of you seem to know death too well, so we look to you
for answers as you share your thoughts, pains and insights on
death.
"Life..." - If you chose this topic, then you chose life. The
following is a series of questions and we want you to pick
ONE and write as much as you can about it. Whose life do you
value and why? Can you put a value on life and if so what
is life worth? If you've ever been close to a newborn child,
describe that experience? If you were to have a fresh start,
how would you use it? If you were able to choose the life you
wanted, what life would you choose? Would you risk your life
to save someone else's, who's life would it be and why would
you save it? Describe your favorite birthday. Who's the person
you love most and why? Have you ever loved someone besides
your family and if so how did that turn out? Remember that
this topic is about life, so whatever you want to write about
this topic is fine, as long as pertains to life...
"A Tattoo Representing Either Life Or Death..." - We know
many of you get tats because the image means a whole lot
to you. So if you were to get a tat representing either life or
death, what would that image be and why would you get it?
Knowing this, we must admit we almost did not get this
issue completed, it was definitely a collective effort, and we
asked at the last minute our colleague Michael Kroll to share
his thoughts and write the editorial note. Thank you Michael.
Here's Michael on life and death...!
These are concepts that human beings have been trying to
understand, define — and deal with — since there have been
human beings. The meaning of life and death has concerned
poets and priests, philosophers and fortune-tellers, opinion
makers and ordinary people alike. In short, all of us are
consumed with living our lives until death takes us.
And death takes all of us. The last words of the first
person in the modern age put to death in California's gas
chamber (1992) were: "You can be a king or street sweeper,
but everybody dances with the Grim Reaper." Probably not
original, but true.
But when we think of death, it's usually in relation to
others, not ourselves. When we're children, we worry about
losing our parents. And when we're older, we pray that we
will die before our children. In every issue of this sterling
magazine, we read how many of you would give your lives for
your families and loved ones. And so — especially in the wake
of our own recent loss of someone we knew and cared for —
we've been thinking a lot about what death leaves behind.
A dear friend recently told us that he wished he could
believe in God and the afterlife to help him accept and deal
with the loss of the person that was closest to him, to comfort
him with words like, "He's in a better place now." But the truth
is, we can't know what death is like.
Do the righteous live forever in Paradise? Do "bad" people
go to hell to spend eternity with the devil? Do our souls
migrate into the bodies of newborn babies (or animals), or do
none of these things happen, and we simply no longer exist as
living matter, we simply turn to dust; nothing more.
Like we said, we can't know what death is like. But we
can know what it does to those left behind, those required to
bury the dead. Every death we experience changes us, and it
changes us forever. It doesn't matter if it was your grandmother
who died at home of heart disease or your young homie who
was caught slipping and paid the price. It doesn't matter if
you are the "downest" gangster on your block or the squares!
straight-A student, when you lose someone you love, you are
injured and in pain — and you are changed forever.
How do we deal with this pain? Some people keep
themselves occupied (one way or another) so that they don't
have to think about it. Some dedicate their lives to positive
deeds that honor the memory of the person they are mourning.
Some strike out in anger — often at those standing nearest to
them — to inflict the pain rather than feel it. Others strike out
in a kind of ritualistic anger, a street code of retaliation, of
death for death and pain for pain.
And some — especially after being exposed to death
repeatedly — either seal themselves off from feelings or live
in a permanent state of rage. An Army study found that at
least one in every eight soldiers returning from combat in Iraq
suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but less
than half looked for help because they didn't want to seem
weak. And so, they began to seal themselves off.
We say that because we read a lot of pieces in The Beat
by writers who describe their hearts as stone, their inability
to cry at funerals, their having no feelings for anyone. These
are all signs of PTSD. If at least one in eight adult combat
veterans returning from Iraq are suffering from this dangerous
condition, how many of you, our dear writers, are acting
or reacting in ways you find confusing and hard to control
because you are suffering from the effects of PTSD?
Those that seal themselves off from feelings often become
self-destructive. They don't care about their own lives, or
anyone beyond themselves. They don't need to justify the short
and long-term pain they are inflicting on those who deserve
it the least, because they are not thinking about anything or
anyone. They are wilding out or sitting alone in a dark room.
They are getting drunk or otherwise numbing their minds.
They are hurting themselves. They don't care. They are hurting
others. They don't care. They are hurting!
And, in truth, as much as we'd like to sometimes, we can't
take anyone's pain away. Each of us must deal with our own
pain in our own way, but pain is the constant consequence
of death — not to the deceased, but to the living. And every
issue of this great magazine reminds us that you have seen
and dealt with far too much death, and therefore far too much
pain.
All we can offer you is an opportunity to deal with it on
these pages.
This issue of The Beat is not dedicated to the dead as
much as to those left behind by death — to those still dealing
with life. We don't want to exploit your pain, but we do want
to offer these pages to express it in the knowledge that art
(and writing is an art) can break through the self-destructive
impulse, can release the rage. In art, we can begin to fill the
emptiness of our loss through shared memory. In the written
word, we can bring the dead to life, and perhaps in so doing,
begin to heal ourselves.
And it is no exaggeration to say that this last issue of
The Beat Within for the year 2007 is full of literary art. As
we've grown accustomed to, enough of you Beat writers who
took these deep subjects of life and death seriously enough to
produce another gem of a publication that we're proud to put
our names on.
To the living, to those who struggle every day, to those
who fall and get up again, to those who seek the light in the
darkness, we dedicate this issue of The Beat Within.
^Xajblb o^f CLoH/te/h/ts
— THEBEATWirHIN.ORG • VIIUME 12.4B —
TnC Bdtt WltnM a weekly newsletter of writing and art by
At The Beat Within, we go through a lot of trouble to censor inapprop
sexual remarks, foul language, and gang references. There is enough tensi<
our commuities already-we don't aim to bolster it. It is in The Beat's inten
promote peace and unity. Our goal is to educate one another.
The Beat Within publishes the opinions and views expressed by the participant;
in our workshops. This is simply the pure voice of the youth. The views yoi
read do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher, editor or staff. All right;
are reserved. Nothing from this publication can be reproduced without our writ
ten permission.
To our writers: What you write could be hazardous to you
consequences, and could be used to incriminate you. Try
feelings and viewpoints without running the risk of providi
those who might use your words against you.
Co-founders: Sand
Senior Editors: David
and David Inocencio
Assistant Editors: Michael Kroll, Will Roy
Graphics/Layout Editor: Manen Pau
Staff: Pauline Craig, Jill Wolfson, Allan Tinker, Patrici
Abies, Omar Turcios, Dennis Morton, Sheerly Avni, Jenn
Bernard, Perry Jones, Tal Ariel, Margo Ariel Brockman,
Marina Saenz, Monica Carlos, Brenda Navarro, Allan
Velez Young, Siliva Mortenson and Neela Baneriee.
arke, Brittany
eth Crawford,
lez, Morghan
The Maricopa County, Phoenix, Arizona, Juvenile Probation Department
Beat Staff: Joe Szulecewski, M.A., Lisa Donsker, M.C., Hillary Shluker, M.C.,
Lisa Karczewski, M.A. The detention staff are: Tammie Utter, Shannon Lech-
ner, D. Scott Herrmann, Ph.D. Clinical Director.
Bernalillio County, New Mexico "The Land of Enchantment" Juvenile
Probation Department Beat Staff: Steve Serna
Art: Much props to everyone for the great art this week.
Spiritual Advisor:
Special Volunteer: Nancy DeMartini
Book Donor: Marisela Norte
Beat Supporters: The Beat Within greatefully acknowledges the generous
support of funders of Pacific News Service's Youth Communications Programs
- California Arts Council, California Wellness Foundation, Christensen Fund,
Community Foundation of Silicon Valley, Community Technology Foundation
of California, Compton Foundation, Creative Work Fund, Cricket Island Foun-
dation, Evelyn and Walter Haas, Jr. Fund, Ford Foundation, James Irvine Foun-
dation, Marguerite Casey Foundation, Marin Community Foundation, Morris
Stulsaft Foundation, Nathan Cummings Foundation, Oakland Fund for Children
and Youth, Open Society Institute, Peninsula Community Foundation, Phil-
anthropic Ventures Foundation, S. H. Cowell Foundation, San Francisco Arts
Commission, San Francisco Foundation, Shinnyo-en Foundation, W Clement
and Jessie V Stone Foundation, Stone Circles Foundation, Stuart Foundation,
Surdna Foundation, The California Endowment, Tides Foundation, Van Loben
Sels/Rembe Rock Foundation, Vanguard Public Foundation, Wallace Alexan-
der Gerbode Foundation, Walter S. Johnson Foundation, Youth Justice Funding
Collaborative, the Zellerbach Family Fund and individual donors.
San Francisco Arts
dation, W Clement
; Foundation, Van Loben
dation, Wallace Alexan-
Writers: Thanks to all the participants in our workshops in the !
co, Maricopa County Arizona, Santa Clara, San Mateo, Alameda
County New Mexico, Santa Cruz and Marin County Juvenile Halls
any questions or comments about The Beat Within, or if you w
become a subscriber, contact us at: 275 Ninth St. SFCA. 94103 ■
503-4170 or check us out at:
www.thebeatwithin.org
Alameda 12
San Francisco 17
Santa Clara 20
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THEBEATW TH N.DRB
VOLUME 12.46
An Email
Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! I wish you and all
the Beat staff safety and moments of peace and rest
through this busy time of the year. And then on to a new
year with more opportunities to reach out and make a
difference...
The following is a tribute I wrote to The Beat Within...
all The Beat stands for and all you and all the staff
accomplish in the lives of young people!! I was inspired
to begin this journey with poetry by two Spoken Word
poets-Corbet Dean and Talaam Acey. I began to write
and I am not surprised that a thank-you to The Beat
Within is what immerged first, as The Beat takes up a
good portion of my heart. Ha!
From The Beat: We are extremely honored to have this next
writer share such a brillant poem filled with life!! Yeah, this is a
tribute to The Beat Within publication and all the love that goes into
doing this work. We do hope you all enjoy the following and see this
priceless work of art in the spirit of how much joy and satisfaction
this program gives us all. Thank you Tkaeu, a youth advocate who
writes us from Maricopa County in Arizona. And a big thanks to all
you counselors and advocates who step up daily in helping to raise
awareness and improve the lives of our young people in the juvenile
justice system. See you in 2008!
Hope Found
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks...
Pouring out self on paper,
what is it anyone seeks
in creating verses worth repeating?
Could it be the sublime?
Accepting the inevitable,
that articulate verses and rhymes
will flow sometimes when I least expect it,
in the hard times,
when the emotions I carry within
are no longer contained.
I surprise myself, and am surprised at the same
in others, how in the midst of personal pain
one can be so inspired.
Life has often pummeled a creative soul aspiring
to reach within for a glimpse of heaven
that others may behold.
I guess it stands without reason that talent will unfold
and come to light in dark places,
where you find hearts aching.
Yes, there are people held in prisons
of their own making.
Sometimes these prisons are hard to detect.
Others perpetrating
incredulous acts of violence or greed
find themselves now estimating the days
they will have to spend behind intimidating walls.
Their desperation found in pent up scrawls.
Searing words stabbing paper.
Endless verses intimating deep emotions,
once hidden behind foul curses.
For beaten hearts is there hope?
The answer is found when one reads
the words written by teens doing time.
Hope harvested after planting seeds
of literacy that could lift young minds out of the haze
and challenge them to grow
beyond limitations. In juvenile detention,
I've seen young people come and go
talented and intelligent,
yet scoffing at education in school,
eyeing authority with bravado and distrust,
Entrepreneurs, in a sense, looking for a quick buck.
But it's when they hear the loud clang of metal, are
enveloped in silence and endlessly stuck
in their own thoughts, needing a listening ear, an
outlet for the emotions they hold back,
that once ignored, reading and writing take on new
meaning, relieve the boredom, and the impact
on this captive audience is that they might just get
hooked on the power of words
and the relief of finding an audience for what flows
V through their soul. So will they be heard?In 2003
k \ -' Sk editors and writers from San Francisco, visited the
^^ ^-r-Ji \ ^\ continued on next page
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THEBEATW TH N.DRG
VOLUME 12. 4G
Valley of the Sun
and shared their vision and goal of a publication
releasing voices in juvie hall through paper and pencil.
The Beat Within birthed in the hearts
of Sandy Close and David Inocencio.
Perceiving these teenagers
could no longer remain ignored
Beat staff began a journey of exploration,
because they'd been floored
in 1996 from the intensity of emotion
sparked by Tupac's demise.
Now what The Beat Within attempts to create each week
flies in the face of conventional wisdom.
But after witnessing the grief and widespread loss
of a generation,
found in piece after piece,
reflecting the heart of detained youth
is what staff in the Bay
strive for, releasing imprisoned minds and hearts by
providing a way
for young people to find themselves and to know that they
are not alone.
This medium of self-expression is sewn
together with pulsating heart and sheds light on dark
subjects.
That what Beat writers have to say is sometimes
shocking, reflects
a view of society struggling beneath a weight
of confusing messages of worshipping wealth and
expressing hate
through computerized violence.
The rich and the famous pampering pets
while returning from war as heroes, Iraq war vets,
who deserve efficient,
top-notch medical and psychiatric care
are left instead to face the realities of Vet hospitals in
disrepair.
Look into the inner cities,
find american dreams mired in dope
sold to make a profit at others expense.
Wrestling addiction with sparse hope
and limited available resources to change,
desperate people turn to what they know.
Work hard to achieve the american dream?
The hardest work, though,
seldom yields the means.
Folks living paycheck to paycheck,
barely making ends meet
are one bad break away from being broke,
homeless and begging for something to eat.
Yet we still subscribe to have all we can,
no matter what the cost.
And we say the best things in life are free, while lost
in mounting credit card debt amidst materialistic wonder.
Facing personal lack and faceless existence,
family's asunder,
teens looking to belong and fit in, may find themselves
locked up in a cell...
sent to prison for attempting to seize heaven
while living in hell.
Is it any wonder these young people are confused and tell
us they are lacking in hope,
don't plan to live past twenty one?
Is it possible the ruthless nature they are thrust into can
be undone?
We believe we can contain hate
and strife behind barbed wires
but I ask, instead, is there a lesson to be learned in all the
forest fires
engulfing homes up the coast and mountainous desert
terrain,
that it only takes a spark,
a flame fueled by fury uncontained
to destroy what we hold dear. Recognizing this truth
and witnessing year in and year out proof
in the power of the written and spoken word to give
opportunity for expression of soul, even when to live
is unbearable and confusing,
a relief to know you're not alone
in your experience and the emotional truth you own.
I give props to The Beat Within for stepping up against
great odds
Year after year advocating for young men and women in
pods
of stone and steel, not fanning the flames
of hate and strife, but offering answers to games
of life played out for decades and challenging us to open
our eyes
and see that our youth behind bars have a voice and the
size
of audacity and talent that when nurtured with time and
direction
may result in a positive impact on a community, may stun
a neighborhood not with fear,
but awe and amazement
at what a mind can become when the pain is released and
one bent
on resolution and redemption, finding life not death.
Hopefully it will spread across the nation this vision of
releasing voices in the west.
Stand not in the way of this tide, lest
the overwhelmed dam of hate
and strife break and down us all
Finding our voices may we stand or silent we may fall.
Don't stop writing beaten hearts, write what you can, say
what you need to say
Write as if your very lives depended upon it.
Props Beat staff for each and every day
you offer hope and a voice to beating hearts...
hearts with lessons of life,
resilient, the words they impart
take flight above stone and sand.
Hope undeniably found
in being eagerly read...
clearly heard...
finally valued...
unexpectedly profound.
-Tkaeu, Youth Advocate, Maricopa County/Arizona
y^m- c4rtUyou&
TH B EAIW I T H N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
Through the Nights
Through the nights I lay,
Sometimes I pray,
Why we do what we do,
And live to see another day,
But as I dream in the night,
I feel the fight,
The war that we live,
The things that I did it happens again,
But only it's a fake,
While I'm sleep in the night,
I feel my body shake,
Bullets hot they burn,
A trip to hell is earned,
Faces hurt in the past
Makes a nightmare last,
It feels way too real, getting hit wit' the steel,
But then I wake up, damn me, it's only a dream,
I go back to sleep now I hear my lady scream
Holdin' me in her arms 'cause I just got shot,
It feels so real but thank God it's not,
Why does it come to head, does God want me dead?
Or is it a message
to stop doing what I do before I run out of blessings, I
really don't know,
I'm lost alone but when death's calling, I'ma pick up
that phone.
-Angelo, Alameda
From The Beat: Or, you know, since you're too good for death or jail/
you could just wait on that ring and let it go to voicemail. Great flow,
Angelo. As always!
Life Is Best
Life is death
Save year breath
Life is best
It may be your toughest test
To survive the street
Come through alive starting on two feet
It's the least you can do
Find a way to stay true
To your homies and your momma too
When you were young you played the foo'
Now that gangs ta life ain't coo
So that uncle that knew
How to teach a youngsta like you
That It's a matter of life or death
Choose life and do your best
To save your breath
For the next generation
Born to a life of violence and hating
Life or death, teach
Life is best, reach
A higher level
Rise, above the street plus the devil
Didn't waste your life or lose it
Respect life and choose it
Find your higher mind and use it.
-Father Time, Santa Clara
From The Beat: It seems like you've learned some valuable lessons
along life's highway. Have you found a way to "stay true to your homies
and your momma too"? That sounds impossible in some situations, so
who gets your loyalty when your boys want one thing from you and
your momma wants another? How do you show that you respect her
and yourself?
even tko'mine didn't, / wanted if our dreams to come true
The Life I Made
this poem is to my son who's life has jus' begun
i am your father and i feel like i let you down
i was there when you was born, but now i'm not around
daddy made a lot of mistakes, now i'm in jail
i'm writin' you this poem because i messed up
but i refuse to fail
me and your mother were going through things
when you was born
things i should have let go, now my heart is torn
i tried so hard to take care of you,
jus' couldn't make ends meet
i was worried about getting high
and which girl i would see this week
good or bad everything i did on the streets i did for you
even tho' mine didn't, i wanted your dreams to come true
you really don't know
how much your birth changed my life
the feeling i had was kind of like seeing jesus christ
i sit in my cell thinking about you everyday
when i get out i'm comin' for you wit' no delay
my biggest fear is you not knowing me
or callin' someone else daddy
i couldn't bare the though of that
but i can't put it past me
i'm your father no matter what i did
you are my baby boy, my only kid
you are my heart, my desire, the thing i most adore
you are my strength, my honor, and so much more
i was caught up wit the world now i jus miss you
if i had to die, i would jus' have to kiss you
if you grow up and i'm not there
jus' know that it wasn't because i didn't care
don't make the mistakes i made,
because your life jus' began
i use to sit back and look at you and already know,
you would be a better man
so many plans i had for us to do
those plans may be old and gone away,
but i have plans that are brand new
this poem is jus a small portion of how i feel
like i said caught up in the streets now i feel like road kill
if i continued this poem it would go on for days,
weeks, months
even years
i'm not writin' this poem with my finger
i'm writin it wit my tears
kylon dark i love you
i promise in all the ways i messed up
i will make it up to you
it feels like i've been away for so long
i'm doin' my best i jus' ask you to hold on
im gonna end this poem with a see ya later and good night
love your father, reggie
i'm gonna get back to you and everything will be alright.
- Reggie, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: It's amazing how we feel and what we truly miss when we
end up behind bars. Your poem speaks volumes on how you feel for your
son. Hold to your love for your son to make that change, so you'll never
have to be away from him again.
tUW^
I
THEBEATW TH N.DRB
VOLUME 12.46
The things I've been through lean 't
crif about or dwell on. . .
New Born Baby
-
One beautiful morning when I realized how our father
above puts life on this earth was when my sister Elvia
was born. It occurred on February 9, 2002 on a chilly
Saturday morning.
As I walked into the hospital room after my sister was
born I was overwhelmed, excited. The first time I laid my
eyes on her, my dream for always wanting a sister came
true. She was so fragile and helpless. As I held her in
my arms for the first time I realized how life begins. She
was a couple hours old and held on to my finger tight
with her whole palm. I looked into her eyes and I felt a
tear rolling down my cheek from happiness. Everything
felt as if it was in slow motion and I never knew how
much I could love someone after only knowing them for
a couple minutes.
My love for her is unconditional and it grows day by
day. When she was born that is when I realized how life
begins.
-Rosite, Santa Clara
From The Beat: This is beautiful Rosite. We hope you are soon reunited
with your sister.
■»-—■— —™
Life, Not Death
Through my 17 years on this earth I have been through
a lot of hardships and troubles. I used to think that the
cards that I was dealt in life was very tough and unfair,
which made me not care about living and actually
looking forward to death because it might be better than
how I was living on earth. But as I got older and much
more mature and wiser, I figured out why I was dealt
that hand.
The things I've been through I can't cry about or
dwell on, just move on and try not to let my kids go
through it. I feel I was dealt these cards because of its
outcome and results that it gave me. I feel I have an
old soul and wise mind because of the things I been
through. But I say all that to say this before I knew why
I was dealt this cards.
I used to be wild and untamed. Be in the streets all
night doing things that will get me put in jail for some
years or having an early grave. My family was never in
the picture or in my life that much. So I felt I didn't have
much to live for. My homies and trying to get money was
the only thing I was living for.
But a few tragic things happened in my life which
made me stop and look at what is going to happen in
the next few years of my life. My girl had gotten pregnant
and my sister just had a baby. So by them given a new
life, it made me want to live an' see the future of my kid
and nephew. I start going back to school and doing a lot
of things that I had stopped doing when I didn't give a
shhh. But now that I figured out what I am going to do in
my life, I am going to stop doing all the things that can
get me six feet under or behind bars.
-Knowledge, San Francisco
From The Beat: If you have learned to value and respect your own
life (and the lives of others), then maybe your seventeen years of pain
have paid off. Is that what you mean by "the results it gave me"? Keep
your child and his (her) new cousin in your mind all the time, because
— whether you have a wise old soul or a wise young one — we want
to see a photo of you holding your grandchild in your arms.
How Would Life Be?
Life: a precious jewel
A spirit: so soft, so warm
like wool
Life's challenges are hard
Like gambling with cards
Striving to succeed
How would life be...
If you lived in the
suburbs?
If you weren't stubborn?
If you just listened?
If you were never
missing?
If you had parents?
If instead of envy you
would be caring?
If you still had that
special person?
If you stop cursing?
If you never forgot what
was love?
If a voice finally came
from above?
If you were born a year
later?
If you admired nature?
If you weren't in that
place at that time?
If only you give up that
life of crime?
If you never had that gun?
If you were released in a
month?
If you had a lot of money?
If you had a wifey?
If you never had starved?
If in your soul, hate was
never carved?
If there was room in your
heart for one more love?
If you were never shoved?
If you seen the light?
If you were very bright?
If you hadn't used that
knife?
If you had another form?
How would life be if you
were never born?
-LiT Roach, San Francisco
From The Beat: What a great
series of questions! Now what
would be interesting is to read
your answers to these questions.
You may not know all the
answers, but we bet you know
some of them. If any of these
questions were true, then what?
If I were to have a fresh start on life. I wouldn't have
grown up too fast and messed with older people.
I would of stayed young while I was and grew up the
right way.
I would have never drank alcohol with my friends
or smoked weed with my cousin. It is all about how you
pick and choose what you do.
So if I could take everything back or rewind the
hands of time because I am not really the bad person
that my family and the world think I am. I just happened
to be a good girl caught up with the wrong crowd.
All the kids that are in juvenile hall are not bad, but
don't get me wrong some need to be in here.
The funny thing about life is that when you are
having fun getting high and drunk, you don't think that
you are doing anything wrong until you are in the back
of the police car with hand cuffs on. By then you know
that you are deeper than you can swim.
About this time you're in the back of the police
you're your high is screwed up and you sober up. Your
thoughts are racing. How are you going to explain this to
your mom? Will you run when you get to the hospital?
How are you going to get out of this, and the main one
for me and some others is "This whole thing just f 'd off
my high! I am so mad."
Lots of other thoughts, but only one those come to
my head, when I get to the hall. I think "Damn I want to
restart my life."
-Rachel, Alameda
From The Beat: It just shows how great you are at writing that by
the time we got to the end of this piece, we felt like WE were the
ones cuffed in the back seat of a police car. Its a trip though, how
when you're high, the only thing that matters is that... even though
we wanted to INVENT a way to make people throw their lives away,
we couldn't do better than what's already out there on the street!
Awesome piece.
Life in A Cheetah's Eye
I am a cheetah in this world, don't you tell me I'm not,
I ran through the lost jungles of Cambodia , 100 degrees
hot,
I know what I am, I know what I'm here for,
I'm here to get rich and take care of my family, and stay
away from being poor,
Back in my country kids die from starvation,
In America young people get killed, from
them haters,
Every time on our New Years we go to
Stockton to have fun,
But when the crips and bloods show up, they end
Up talking with their guns,
Cambodians are troubled, not because our race,
We start wars with each other, and that
Develops hate,
My life story is like numbers, it has no end,
I have so much to say, it just can't be written in
pen,
Guerrillas, invaded my jungles, Back in 1976,
Viet-congs, Khmer Rouges and others, not equal
One fought wit' sticks,
During the war, my country experienced a
National blood- bath,
I still wonder what made the communist leader
Pol Pot kill more than half,
Viet Congs often ran to Cambodia to avoid being
Caught,
Americans bombed the Ho Chi Minh trail, over 200
Battles were fought,
u
This Life
Life is beautiful
life is a blessing.
I am a mother of a 21-month-old child.
The day that I gave birth to my daughter
Which was the greatest experience in my life.
I couldn't explain in words how good of a feeling it is
to deliver a newborn child,
a child of God into this world.
It hurts because this world is so 'jacked' up these days,
so full of drugs and violence.
It hurts me the most because I am addicted to drugs,
I can't care for a child when I can't even care for my
self.
I pray for a better life, for less drugs, less violence,
strength within my self to quit using and hope
that the future will be better and my daughter
won't have to go through what I have.
- Desiree, Land Of Enchantment
From The Beat: You have made the hardest step forward for most
attics, and that's accepting that you are an addict. Now take the next
step in getting the help you need to fight your addiction. Think of
your daughter, and ask yourself, what is more important, your high
or your daughter.
That war scarred my country, for well over
Three decades,
Many people are still lost, they can't figure out ways
To get paid,
The Capital Phnom Penh was forced to evacuate
Communist soldiers were comin'
When they got the word, they immediately left in
the jungles to go runnin',
When thoughts of the war comes to mind, they
are oh so deep,
Pol Pot ended up suffering, but it's sad that he
died in his sleep,
My family moved to the United States to start
A better life,
Male cousins go back to the country marrying family,
Members pretending it's their wife,
Don't get lost in my journey. This wasn't ... an
Ordinary dream,
Kids were shooting adults, it was a nightmare
Scene,
You'll probably think I'm a troubled kid if you
Look into my eyes,
If so read these poems I write, it will give you a different
set of mind.
-Lil' Mang, Last Of A Dying Breed, Alameda
From The Beat: Wow, this poem is incredible, thank you for educating,
sharing, teaching, and inspiring us with this lyric of Cambodian pride,
drenched in blood, drenched in hope and history. But now, as you say,
you are the future of all this struggle, you can decide: Will I carry on the
hopes and dreams of my countrymen and ancestors? Or will I get diverted
from my path by a series of American gang wars (think about it — crips and
bloods are a 40 year old enmity from Los Angeles... Even their founders
are against those gangs now. What is that, compared with the pride and
struggle of your heritage? A bloody detour, a dead end side street. You
have a bigger and better destiny, as this remarkable poem shows.
Removing My Life Or Death Tattoo
Today's topics are life, death, and tattoo's representing life,
or death. I have tattoo's on my face and neck and they are
gang related.
I think they represent death for me because it put me
out there on the spot and a rival gang member can see my
tattoo's from a mile away. They can easily pull a gun out
and blow my brains out. It can happen while I'm walking
to the store, home, or to school. It can happen anytime,
anywhere. This is why I chose to get my tattoo's removed,
before It's too late.
I wonder everyday where I would be at 5 years from
now, if I kept my tattoos. I often think I will be in CYA or on
my way to Pelican Bay, or in a grave.
I always think of what could happen if I change and do
right. I look into the future and I see myself graduating high
school, getting a college degree getting married and having
some kids of my own. I see a lot of positive outcomes on
getting my tattooes removed and changing my style for the
better. I just pray and ask God for the strength to do this
everyday. I just hope that my dreams come true. And I'm
willing to do whatever it takes to do good in life.
-Lil' Los, Alameda
From The Beat: We hope that you do get your tattoos removed because
we don't wanna hear about anything happening to you. It does take
a lot of strength and determination to try to do good in life. But as
long as you stay positive and have good intentions, good things will
^^P^Wy drtSU^k)^
TH B EAIW I T H N.DRG
VOLUME 12.41
A Fight For Her Life: To Be Continued
It's this girl I know so lonely and home sick
She got beat with some sticks
Left in a alley for dead
So fought for life but she was out numbered by four
Walking home from school didn't know what was in
store
A car follows next thing you know they're dragging her
as if it was cool
She screams, kicks, and fights, not knowin' what to do
Tryin' to get away with all her might
No one seen the hatred in her eyes or did they even
care
cryin help no one was there
They raped her for seven days and seven nights
Drugged up she couldn't see the light
all she saw were dark shadows surrounding screams
and shouts
No one would or could help out
This little girl will be found dead no doubt
All she can do is pray, pray that she'll get away
Pray for all her might., but right now she's in the dark
Putting up a fight
....for her life...
-Tayana, Alameda
From The Beat: We hoped and prayed, reading this horrifying but
beautifully written poem, that you were speaking about a metaphor,
a story you'd heard, or something from your imagination. No human
being should ever have to suffer this kind of pain and fear. If it was
you - then we can only say that your continued positivity, strength,
and talent in these pages is a true inspiration. If it was not you, then
we still applaud your dark poets imagination.
My life is fea-
My life is tears
My life is funerals
My life is money
By any means
My life is cars
My life is hard times and good times
My life is stayin' up to date.
-Lonnie, Alameda
From The Beat: Your life is all these things - but its also hope (because
you are trying to make real changes in camp), and adulthood las you
come up on 18) and of course, love - because you have people you
truly love waiting for you on the outs. When we think of you, we also
think of pride, because you carry yourself with such pride.
No one would or could help out
This little girl will
he found dead ho doubt
All she can do Is pray, pray that
shelf get a waif
:kae£^Qtt:
W^SS^^SSSsit &$> mis
>m^H4^tmtM^
Life Is Funny
When I think of life, I think of how funny it is, how
one moment you think your in control, everything is
going right and nothing is gonna stop you... and then
life throws a curve ball at you and your dreams go sky
1 rocketing to a chasm of death.
Life is funny. When I think of life, I think of all the
good times I had and how they went sour with such
a quickness, how I got locked up for doing the right
thing.
Life is hilarious. When I think of life, I think of how
many years I have lived in such a short time, and how
my dreams are coming to me In spite of it.
Life's a joke. When I think about life, I look back on
my pain and laugh, and look at the future and tremble.
When I think of life, I think of myself and what I have
to give and what others have to offer.
Life's a trip, because it happens all around you, it's
one big thing that orchestrates itself like a play, it's a
hocus pocus of staying ahead of the game and doing the
right thing.
Life's funny, 'cause I did the right thing and got
locked up.
-Dawn, Alameda
From The Beat: Life's funny, because you never know if something is
bad or good until some time has passed. For example, its a bad thing
that you got locked up, right? But if you hadn't gotten locked up,
would you have had the chance to write this great, great, great piece,
that made us laugh and shake our heads at the same time? Maybe
being in here is keeping you from something else? Maybe that's the
secret to life that you uncover here - it's a complete mystery, and we
don't even always know if we're up or down or coming back around!
My life is something I value, n
people that care about me like family or friends that lo\
me like a bro or sis. I got rats coming from under rn,
fridge but I can't let it end me or just jump on a chair. I
have to fight and do what I can to live, go to school and
get a job, cause if you're stuck up on that chair, scared
of the rats that can chew you from limb to limb, where
you gonna end up? Back on the floor, where you started,
but you might not have your life. So I'm gonna get off
and get them with every chance I get stomping them out
so I can live. Do what I can do, you feel me?
-D, Santa <
From The Beat: Wow, this is actually a really brilliant metaphor for life
and struggling. What do you do? Fight the rats that are coming for
you or stay paralyzed on the chair? I wonder, is there another option?
Did you ever see that movie 'The Secret of NIMH" about these rats
that were used in experiments so they learned to read and escaped
from a lab and stole electricity? Anyway, perhaps one can reason with
a rat? Or use one's intelligence instead of always going for the violent
way to survive?
^^Puwy oltUlXlub
TH B EAIW I T H N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
Life
Que-vo Beat, it's your homie Smokey from Hayward still
in these ALACO walls. I still got 227 more days left. I
just want to drop a little line to you.
To me life is like a dice game I'm either hittin' 7
or 11 and waitin' for the day to crap out, 'cause I'll be
ready to take that ride. But then again life is precious
but you got to live it to the fullest fulfill your dreams but
at the same time take chances find love, feel anger, have
depression whatever it is bad or good live it cause you
only live once.
I wasted several years going in and out of jail but
since 10 years old I've been gang banging I've seen and
done a lot. I have a daughter. I've lived this life, but now
I got to be a man! I have to change for that little girl I
have to change for my own well being.
-Smokey, Alameda
From The Beat: Que-vo Smokey!? How are you feeling? Are you ready
to change? Man that is a big step. It is very important that your
daughter has her daddy around. How are you gonna go about your
business? Are you prepared to ignore all the pressure you will get from
your homies for not kicking it? How hard is it going to be for you?
The Unspoken
L
Jade's My Life
The life I choose is with my sister Jade because she will
stick by me no matter what. The first day I heard her
tell me I love you was a shocking day. I couldn't believe
what I heard. I tell her to stay in school and don't get in
trouble. I help her with her homework and make sure
she eats and get ready for bed. I always make sure she
stays out of trouble and ask her how her day was. She's
my life my little sister who I love a lot. I make sure she
stays on track and not off like me.
I didn't grow up having someone tell me right from
wrong so I make sure she know right from wrong. I
spend time with her because no one did that with me
when I was little. So I give my sister what I never got
when I was young.
-Giovanni, Santa Clara
From The Beat: That's very sweet of you to look out for your little
sister. You are a very good brother and your sister should be lucky
to have you as a brother and vice versa. You should really stay outta
the halls so you can do what you were doing, and take care of your
i
ake Life Serious.
Life and death is a trip. We can experieno
time in your life from the day you are born. You never
know when your time will come. But you do know how
to have control of your life.
Every breath you take, every step you make wil
an effect on your life. Me personally have witnessed life
and death. I've seen death with my own eyes and seen
someone take their last breath. It's no joke because
nobody knows what's in the afterlife.
Life is something we have to take seriously because
you never know when your time will come. That's why we
have to enjoy, enjoy every moment of it and appreciate
life and not take if for granted. So live life to the fullest,
but remember, the life you'll live tomorrow.
-Lil' Hush, Santa Clara
From The Beat: We agree with you that life is something we should
take seriously, since its the only one we've got. What do you imagine
the afterlife is like? Do you believe that the way you live your life
here determines the way you will live in the after
Life is getting hectic
Locked behind a jail cell
Boe ain't living well
Can't even post bail
Its ugly
Man demons bug me
Ninjas think they hard so they try to mug me
I'm going insane in my brain
Like Rick James walking through the shadow of death
I feel no pain, ninjas might not understand
But I got my own plan and it's tucked in my waistband
Man, man damn that's all I could say
Until I see a new day
One day I'm gonna do me
Get out this jail
Stop being a Juvie
Fo' I get smoked like a doobie
Yeah I'm gonna do me
I'm gonna show ya
Two glocks in a hosta
Not doing what I was posta
Bussin' ninjas make 'em looked just like postas
Yeah postas just like I said high rollas
Folgers feel like I'm blocked in by these walls
One jaw
What should I do?
Turn to them or you
Can't trust neither cause everybody loud like speakers
Why you think we love our heaters
Got weight up on my shoulders
Get knocked down by boulders
Covered in four leaf clovers
No wishes, they still bitchin'
And you wonder why they still snitchin'
Kids growin' up in the world and gonna feel this shhh
They gone mess around and try to do this shh
I refuse to let my little brother go down da wrong road
I want my lil brothers to be like a king tucked in gold
real talk
Get outta line the banger gone spark
So chalk this one up right here up as a lost heart
broken
Heart swollen
You ain't hear this from me it's the unspoken.
-Boe, Alameda
From The Beat: It aint unspoken now that you have spoke! Nice
writing. But why do you feel like you have to keep yo' thang tucked
on yo' waistband all day? You want your little brother tucked in gold?
How are you gonna get that gold? Are you gonna go the grimey way?
Or are you gonna get a job, and work for it? If you get caught getting
it the wrong way, would that gold be worth it. Is it worth risking
your life for a gold grill, a gold chain, a gold bracelet? Are those
materialistic things so important that its worth risking your life?
A Special Li
The life I value is my dad's. He would do a
has been my strongest supporter. The problem is that I hardly
ever treat him with respect, which is all he asks for. To treat him
with respect would be the least I could do when I owe everything
to him. He's not sick or anything, but I'm worried he's gonna be
gone before I get to give him the respect he deserves.
So, dad I know I've been wrong. This ones for you.
-Friend Of Him, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You've said what must be done better than we could. If
all your father asks of you is basic respect — and he has stood by you
and supported you — then don't waste any more time disrespecting
him. As you've said so well, he deserves much better from you!
^^Puwy oltUlXlub
TH B EAIW I T H N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
.at I've Gaine
y utmost love and resp«
my words.
Now as I get to this topic let me advise
what you're about to read is strictly from one man's
perspective. The life that I value is my own because no
one will make your most critical decisions in your life. If
you don't value your own life, then what exactly are you
living for? Life is priceless, the value is too high a price
to pay and so it is such, it should be cherished. If I had
a fresh start I would repeat my doings the exact same
way I have already done. I would do so because if I would
change my past, I would have no clue of the outcome
and my current knowledge.
Have I been close to a newborn? Sure, I love kids,
they are very innocent and naive to mankind's faults. The
life I choose is the life I already live. I already endured a
great deal. I would risk my life for another and that other
is my older sister. I'd save her life because she was the
first one who actually believed in me despite my flaws.
My favorite birthday would have to be my mother's. I
love her dearly and without her I'd be non-existent. I
have loved another other than immediate family and
the outcome is still unclear. But love is always going
to contain these major parts: joy, grief and experience.
Love and life go hand and hand but always be ready for
grief and the unexpected. Life is one thing no one has
mastered, but being educated can prepare you in the
near future.
I now end this with my identical intentions as I first
stated in this piece. With that said I'm out for now. Stay
educating ya' selves.
-Educated Gangster, Santa Clara
From The Beat: You cover a lot of topics in your piece. Sounds like you
have learned a lot in your short time here on earth — can you imagine
what else you have to learn during the next several decades?
She's The One
The person that I love instead of my family is a girl.
The first time I met her was in 8th grade. She's a good
person and she gets good grades. The reason why I fell
in love with her is because of her personality. She used
to always help me with my school work so I would be
able to pass my class.
Now she is in the 10th grade and she is attending
Burton H.S The last time I seen her was about a week
ago at the football game. Other than that I haven't seen
her for two years.
Now I'm in juvenile hall and I'm not able to tell her
how I feel about her. If I could get a hold of her I will tell
her how I feel about her. This is how I feel about her: I
will protect her from any harm; I will risk my life for her;
and I will never lie to her.
What I see in her when I think about her is fresh
air. When I think about her smell, birds, flowers and a
beautiful day when I think about her beauty. When I get
mad I just think about all the things I used to do with
her to calm me down. It's like she blinds my eye sight
with her beauty.
She is the light I see when I need to find my way out
of this darkness place I'm in. I'm only fifteen years old,
but I'm in love. Yes I am, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Some people say that I'm too young to be in love, but I
don't agree with them because what I'm feeling for her,
I know that this is love. No one — I mean no one — is
going to get in my way for what I feel about her.
-That O Boy, Alameda
From The Beat: We love that you included so many details to describe
your feelings for this person you love. Our only question is why you
would risk losing someone so wonderful by doing whatever it was
that let them take you from her...
Peace... Can t Live Without It
If I get a tattoo to represent life and death, it would]
a image, it would be statement. It will say, "Peace — you
can live in it or you can rest in it." That's what I would
get to represent life and death because that's a powerful
thing to get.
-Acie, San Francisco
From The Beat: That is a powerful statement. Did you read it, hear it,
or make it up? Its true, though, unless we can find a way to live in
peace, we'll rest in peace.
M ini
Being close to a n~..~ v *« _ WJ ^ „„^ «™.™.
When I had my baby it gave me a new life,
feeling is like paradise, and it makes you feel different.
It makes you feel peaceful and happy. It makes you feel
like a new person, like you were born again. And that
makes you feel great about yourself and that newborn
baby.
My tattoo for life would be hands holding a baby
toward the sky like in lion king because I want to get
that on me. It expresses me and my child and how my
life has changed!!!
-Balencia, Alameda
From The Beat: Thank you for the joy and hope you share in this piece.
1
We'd love to see that tattoo.
you continue
to live with this peace and determination. What kinds of concrete
changes will you have to make, to let this new you shine through?
I'm Thankful To Wake Up Every Morning
Thinking about how to do better myself. Also finding
new ways to deal with situations. How to keep myself out
of trouble, such as new hobbies. I learn to think before I
do. Because the decision I made put me in Juvenile Hall.
I think twice before I respond, 'cause I love my freedom.
And I know this place isn't for me. I know I'm a highly
intelligent kid. The decision in the past wasn't right.
Now I learned my lesson and I never want to put
myself back in Juvenile Hall. I learned that I took my
freedom for granted. Juvenile Hall makes me realize I
need to focus more on school.
-Carlito
From The Beat: You know the old saying, "Every cloud has a silver
lining?" It means that even hard a- reality checks and lessons, like
doing time in the Hall, can give you new ideas of how to live your life
and enjoy your freedom. School can help!
.at Life Me
h
Life is something you are given. It's nc
can be taken whenever. Life is like a job you have to do
things to make your life the way you want it to be. Life
is what you make of it, not what it makes of you. Life is
more important than money but some think money is
more important than life and by the time they realize
it's too late.
Your life is a blessing think about all the babies that
did not make it because of abortions miscarriage and
babies dying before they made it. Think of all the boys
and girls you kill when you nut in a condom or in a
female's mouth. Think if your dad would have done the
same thing a couple more times you may have not been
here but instead on some chest in her mouth or between
her thigh. Each and every one is here for a reason cause
if not you would not be here. Life is given make the best
of it cause there were a lot of sperm cells that would
have.
-Weather
From The Beat: You make some interesting points. We're all here on
Earth for some reason. We should make the best out of our time here
on Earth. We should all realize that no matter how hard life may seem
it is precious. Not everyone gets the opportunity to live it.
ffl College Degree In My Life
One thing I'd like to accomplish in life is to get a college
degree. I'd like to get a college degree to make my family
happy and to show the people that doubted me that I can
do something positive.
If you get a college degree, then you open up a lot
of opportunities for yourself instead of limiting your
possibilities. You can get a good job and make the type
of money that you see people making on T.V. With a good
degree you can do anything you want and help others in
need. If I do make it to college, I like to major in music.
But I think my down-fall is going to be the decisions
that I've made to get me in the situations I'm in now. But
I plan on getting there one day.
-LIT Mikey
From The Beat: You are realistic about the fact that you have some
work to do to get through your sentence and to gain the trust of your
family again, but you also have dreams for yourself! Please show this
piece to your P.O. so that he or she can help you get back into school
and on the right track. You deserve support as you pursue your goals.
We wish you luck and hope you will stay in touch with The Beat.
Hear My Cry
In this room I feel so alone
Thinking about all the fun times I had at home
I'm locked up but my mind is free
This room is so little like a human sized cage
Someplace I can take out my anger and rage
Sometimes I feel stressed out
I can't wait until the day they let me out
I can't wait to see the outside
I'm callin' can you hear my cry
My cry is not a cry with tears
It's a cry from the mind
I think about the choices I made all the time
The past is the past it's done now
I try hard to turn my frown to a smile everything I'm
saying is no lie
I'm calling can you please hear my cry
-Young Mari
From The Beat: We hear your cry. You can tell us anything that you are
feeling inside. The past is done and you don't have to keep thinking
about the choices you made all the time. Just learn from the mistakes
you made. Keep your head up and move on. You can't be dwelling on
the past. You can start all over, and make some wiser decisions.
Value Life!!
I value my mom life because she is always there fc
and she gave me birth. The first new born I was close t(
was my niece. That experience was good. If I was to havi
a fresh start I would listen more to my mom.
If I was able to choose the life I want I would uc
better son, brother, sister, uncle, and boyfriend. I woul<
risk my life for my mom because she has always "
there for me and I would give her my life to save he
My favorite day is my birthday. I loved my mom the
most because she is always there for me. The person I
love besides my mom is my girlfriend and it turned out
good.
-Kevin
From The Beat: That's very sweet of you to value your mom's life like
that. You also mentioned that if you were able to choose the life, you
would be a better son, brother, sister, uncle and boyfriend. What's
stopping you from becoming a better brother, sister, boyfriend, etc. Is
it the halls? You can start a new life once you get out and be a better
person period.
|^H|
Life & Death
When I hear the word death I think about myself, about
the things I been through. I think of myself as a cat with
nine lives at the same time like a dog that's past through
ruff times.
-Cat Dog Show
From The Beat: You shouldn't think of yourself as a cat with
because in reality you only have one. You might have been through
rough times, and all but you gotta keep striving.
Representing Either Life Or Death
When I got my first tattoo I was just 15 and it '
cousin after he past away. He was shot down by a cop.
Yeah, I was hurt and all but I just had to suck it up and
bear with it. I loved my cousin to death but someone had
to take his life.
-Lil' Dave
From The Beat: We're very sorry to hear about your cousin. Why was
your cousin shot? What do you think made the cop feel like he had to
draw his gun and shoot your cousin? What do you think goes through
anyone's mind before they take someone's life. Nobody thinks about
all the lives they will affect.
^I^twnAx^u^y
PAG 3
THFRFATWITHIN.ORG
VOLUME 12.46
ALAMEDA COUNTY
The System Can't Play This Life Of Mine!
My name is Mario I am a detainee at alameda county
juvenile hall. This new building is so not fit for human
that I cant explain this. It's made for a animal but I'm
the one who made a bad decision to commit crime and
be brought here.
Since I've been here I've been doing a lot of reading.
I've been reading about all the rights that I had on the
streets. All of them rights don't apply now.
And just to mention, my PO doesn't even know me
and she thinks she got me all figured out from reading
about my past.
Everybody can change and I've only had two chances.
I failed the test so they feel I should be put who knows
where. But I'm gonna beat this system and CYA is a set
up cause if you're not with a group your gonna be a
victim cause if you're not gonna be part of any group.
And when your with a group if they fight you fight
and if you don't fight your gonna be labeled a coward.
So if each fight is six months longer you have to do
their main objective is to keep you there longer 'cause if
nobody's there they wouldn't get paid.
See I know what they're doing I'm gonna keep the
revolution going I'm gonna beat this system by being
a person who knows what's going on. And there's no
liberty and justice for all.
I found the hard way and the president sends people
to Iraq to fight over oil but it's a problem here. It's a fight
over turf. He doesn't care about Oakland he only cares
about his neighborhood. If it was happening in his area
it would be serious, but teenagers killing each other in
Oakland don't matter.
-Young Mari
From The Beat: We're gonna start off by saying that the system can
play you in many ways. We're not trying to say that you are gonna
be trapped in there and you can't escape it. But don't ever think you
can out beat the system while you are still incarcerated. First get
out of jail, and then talk about beating the system. And your right,
the President probably doesn't give a damn about teenagers killing
teenagers in Oakland. But how can you expect someone else that's not
from your city to care, when the same people from YOUR CITY don't
give a damn. Personally, it's not somebody else's job to be worrying
about your city. The people from OAKLAND gotta care about the
other people from OAKLAND in order for other people to care.
" Baby Girl - Another Reason to Live
How I felt when my baby girl was born. It gave me a real
warm feeling in my heart to be there and watch my baby
be born. It felt real good to hold her. It made me feel one
more step closer to being a man.
It made me have another reason to live in this crazy
world.
-LIT Ju Ju
From The Beat: This is inspiring to hear, and meaningful too. We hope
for better days for you and your family and your beloved daughter
in 2008! Peace.
My Tatts
Gone get that skull head
Tatted up on my back wit' fire in his eyes'
Burnin' for eternal life or death I ain't cocky but I'm
confident
So when you tell that I'm bad
I take it as a compliment
This is what I meant
I'm a bad man
Plus you know that I'm a charm under the skull head
I got grandmother up on my arm now that's my charm
And my charm gets all my respect
Then I got my mom and my sister name up on my neck
Now that's a fact now that's two tattoos
I'ma looking good
Rocking my jewels on my life
The only way I'm gonna get my beezy name if she my
wife
After that I get my cousin Charles
Next to the skull head
Which represents the 7th ward (New Orleans).
-Boe
From The Beat: Do you have to be a bad man to have tattoos? Do
you think that tattoos are only for hardcore people? Why do you ink
yourself up?
If I was to have a fresh start I would start at my house
would clean up my act up around the house I would sta
off the streets and I would not fight.
From The Beat: Well you can have a fresh start when you gc
What's stopping you? Your time is now. You already misse
opportunity. Don't miss it again.
rn
Pictures of my life flashing in my head
Am I gone make it or am I gone end up dead
I got to start thinking
No time for blinking
Got to make a move
You don't know me 'till you walked an hour in i
shoes
Don't take a day to feel my pain
And not even the strongest umbrella could stop i
rain-
It's hard to decide what's real and what's a drea
Who's against you and who's on your team
-This life
From The Beat: These thoughts in your head seem to be a bit confusing.
We can't walk in your shoes for lOminutess because they might not
fit. We can only understand you by what you tell us and how v
you act. You might not be able to walk 5minutes in our shoes because
they might not fit you. You need to know that the people on your side
and on your team are the people that love you that don't wanna see
you go to jail or do bad.
Life For My Family
I'll risk my life for my mom and dad because they did
everything to take care of me. First, respect to my mom
or carrying me in her stomach for nine months and
when she was trying to push me out and popped her
eardrum I'm sorry that she did that but she had to.
-Jahfanie
From The Beat: We are glad to hear that you respect your parents.
Don't apologize for being born shh happens. Apologize for coming
here. Get out and tell her how much you love her.
Risking My Life
If a had to risk my life for someone I would risk my life
for my moms life because I love her so much I'll kill
myself in front of a car for her or anything. The end.
-D-R
From The Beat: That's sweet but we don't think your mama would
want you to kill yourself.
J
I
An Unreal Life
Being locked up is like a nut hell
Like ten crazy females at a shoe sale
My life is unreal like a folk tale
I'm a messenger something like a middleman
I got feelings like the old school 50's milkman
I'm in jail waitin' for this time he to pass me by
About two weeks ago I was feelin like I wanted to die
Forget what you talking bout and where you from
ninjas talking that talk Sayin' they on one but can't
walk that walk.
-Slick Rick Da Rula
From The Beat: You in jail waitin for time to pass you by?! Why don't
you quit waiting for time to pass you up, and why don't you pass up
time. Make something useful out of your stay here. Hustlas don't just
sit there and wait for the money, they go hustle and get it.
r
The Love Of My Life
The person that I love the most is my mom because she
takes care of me. She is the one who gave me birth and
took me to school everyday and on time. As I sit in jail
she comes to visit me every visit day and she comes to
all of my court days. She feeds me when I am at home
and she supports my goals and all my dreams. She also
buys me clothes and puts a roof over my head and keep
me healthy as I wanna be. That is why I love my mom so
much because she teaches me to love life.
-Deonte
From The Beat: Sounds like you have a beautiful mom. You're very
lucky. Wouldn't you rather be at home eating your mamas cooking
instead? Get outta here, go home, and show your mama how much
you love her by not coming back.
irrriHi
I value my good mom, dad and family because they _
a lot for me and took care of me that the only people
can trust.
To me life is a lot the two people life with the moi
to me is my mom and dad in this world rite now.
When I get out of jail I'm gone have a new staL
like a newborn baby I'm going to go to school and stop
smoking, drinking, and doing bad thing I'm gone try my
hardest to not come back here ever.
I'll choose the good life like Kanye West and T- Pain
said the rich life. I'll rap, have everything I want and give
my family any thing they want too.
-Jahfanie
From The Beat: We're glad to hear that you value your family. But you
don't have to rap to give them everything. You can have a job and still
give your family the most important thing, and that's love.
Life Tn The Fulles.
My Life, My Heart, My Soul
When I found out that I had a baby on the way, I was real
excited and scared at the same time. But man, I am mad
'cause I ain't there with my baby mama to support her
and be there... but at the end I know it's good, 'cause I
am gonna be there when she's born.
Man "God Bless" Jada ... man now she's my life, my
heart and my soul...
-Daddy's Lil Girl Young Jada
From The Beat: Heart, life, soul, these are the three things that matter
most in the world. This little girl is going to love you forever. And
you her. This love and responsibility, which you shared with us in
workshop last week, is a bright light in a world that might feel dark
at times. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Lucky in Life
Life. What is life?
Life is the experience I process that we all go through.
Some of us value life enough to wanna live it.
Others wish they were never born.
Me, personally, I ain't got nothing to say- just that I'm
fortunate to be here. I'm lucky to still have most of my
loved ones alive.
Lucky to have a girl that really loves me.
-Boxer
From The Beat: Its so easy to "count our curses" and think on all that
is going badly in our lives, but this piece gives us all a kick where we
need it, to remind us that we must count our blessings, and remember
how lucky we truly are. Thank you!
I live this life. I got into something that I
have, but now that I'm in this life - 1 can't ao it. i live my
life one day at a time. I have this saying " live life to the
fullest" 'cause that's how I feel.
I know that I can't stop 'cause I tried it but I ai
end up doing the same thing. The block seems to call
me when I'm not turfing it.
I'm so used to it that I decided that - that's how I'ma
live it even though I ain't got no choice.
We're all gonna die, right? So when my time comes,
it comes.
-SI
From The Beat: Is this truly living life to the fullest? With all the
possibilities for love, growth, self-respect, and freedom that a full life
requires? The block calls you, but when you look at all the people
who have heeded that call, how many have been killed, arrested, or
changed and destroyed in other ways by block living. Other things
call to you too right? Your dreams, your hopes, your love for your
family. Do you also heed those calls?
Still Here
What's up Beat! Yeah, still here, waiting to get out. Man
I am tired of being here. Hope I get out soon. Man, I am
mad because they don't let me out, but I called my P O
and told her that my mom already had the papers. So
I sure was gonna call my mom, but I don't know what
happen, man I'm just waiting to get out to start a new
life.
If I get a tattoo of the two hands of god and put a
rosary and put my sister name because I really love her
and I miss her. She was killed.
-Ernesto
From The Beat: We are so sorry about the death of your sister. We
hope that you do get out, and stay out. You've been in the hall for a
long time now.
Death Is A New Life
When I think of death, I think of closing my eyes for a
split second and then opening them on a new life.
I agree with The Beat that living on the edge is selling
drugs and packing guns. In my opinion, that leads to a
quick death. And funerals, I learned that they bring out
the real you - and also the best in you.
-Young Voice
From The Beat: It sounds like this happened to you - did you go to
a funeral where, even though they were hurting and going through
a terrible time, people were also showing the best and truest in
themselves?
^I^twnAx^u^y
PAG 15
THFRFATWITHIN.ORG
VOLUME 12.46
ALAMEDA COUNTY
Death and Stress
Death. When I hear the word 'death,' I think the world
is coming to an end, 'cause I lost so many people in my
family, it's not even funny.
Like now I'm kind of stressed out 'cause my great-
great grandmother is really really sick right now. When
I talked to her daughter, which is my great grandmother,
she told me that she was throwing up blood and stuff
like that.
So I'm stressed out that I'm not there with her. I just
lost my grandfather last year. It's just making me do all
this s***
I've been to jail three times this year, and I don't
know what to do no more. Well today I got a wake up call
from the judge. She said if I don't do right she gon' send
me to CYA. So I'm goin' to stay at my placement that I'm
going to, so I can get my life together.
I want to be well educated in my future go to college
and work with kids autistic kids and make my world, my
pride and joy. That song "Mama" by Boyz 2 Men reminds
me of her. I'm goin' to dig this up like a rose, alright.
-Young Quezy
From The Beat: This piece starts on sorrow and ends on hope and
determination. You have lost so many people that supported you
and loved you, it seems like now its time to reach out and find more
support. The positive kind, not the kind you find in the streets. What
does that mean? Well, staff you trust, programs that help, poems that
inspire you, and, we hope, more and more writing your thoughts and
feelings down on paper, the one place where if you choose to you can
be totally free.
The Life I Wanted To Live
When I was younger in elementary, and some of middle
school I never thought that I was going to end up where
I am now. When I was younger I had dreams of being a
basketball player of being rich going to college, I still
can go to college but anyway, everything was crushed
when I first went down for something I didn't do.
Then I was introduced to hittin' licks, getting money,
buying cars from that point on I knew this was the life I
wanted to live. So I caught my first case and I said I ain't
never doin nothin to get me back here... But we all say
that.
So I came back and it was like a revolving door. I
stopped playin' hoops started smokin' grapes, sippin'
bo' ' pills, all this at like fourteen years old.. But still I'm
seventeen, one month from eighteen, and my life still
ain't over.
So I still got time to turn my life around and do the
rite thing so I can live life at. No worries.
-Lonnie
From The Beat: We hope you do change your life around, because
what you've been doing in this revolving door is running in place, not
running forward. You deserve a life where you can be moving forward.
for real.
If I Got To Choose The Life I Wante
If I got to choose my life, my mother and father wou
have been in it. If I got to choose my life, I would of nev
been raped and beaten for 10 years.
If I got to choose my life, I would never put my;
the system
If I got to choose my life, I would have lost da lo
and da trust of my love one
If I got to choose my life I wouldn't have the cold
heart I have today, locked up, not knowing if da people
that say they love me are going to turn their backs on
me.
It's sad never having my real family around,
would have been if I got to choose my life.
- DayD
From The Beat: If we could have chosen your life we'd have cho
these better things for you too - and it's heart breaking to think of
what you've already been through. But now comes the twist: You can't
pick what happens, but you can choose how to deal with it, what to
do with it, whether to go to the streets or whether to go to school,
whether to move towards positive or negative thinking. Your past
chose you, but you choose your future. What's it going to be?
bi
The Deaths in My Life
Death is like I don't know.
Me I have been miscarriage, my grandma and
grandpa had passed away. I lost one child, and lost two
grandparents. Death in life is like very painful, and I
don't know what could happen, but hurtful things.
I love my baby daddy so much. What I can do in life
is change whateva what I'm going through.
-Sokchetra
From The Beat: Yes, there is still time to make your life good. What
would you need, what are your dreams in life? What kind of job do
you want? Where do you want to go to school? Once you answer these
questions, do you think it
pain?
APartof Yoo Dies in Jail
When they put you in jail
A part of you dies
Somewhere amidst the wind and hail
You try so hard to survive
When a part of you dies
A new one comes to life
A midst the pain and strife
You try again to survive
That is me, the one in jail
The one trying so hard to prevail
I get back up only to be beat back down
By the slamming of my cell door
And the cold gray ground
I realize I have died
Somewhere inside
I tried to stay alive
But I could not hide
That fun the death of me
I am no longer gone
I am no longer here
For in my dreams, I'm still alive
I can still go outside
I can still walk with pride
In my dreams I confide
I am dead now, here
But like the phoenix I shall not fear
For someday my friend, this dead girl
Shall rise again a woman.
-Dawn
From The Beat: This poem writes about dying inside, but its written
with so much life and heart! You've already phoenixed your way
through the dark side of lock down, because we see a woman already
coming into focus! Tell us what the new you, the woman you are, is
planning to do with her life.
RIP Mikal
I
Man, Mikal was my bra. We did hella shhh together that
I ain't even gone mention. I really don't understand why
he had to go.
Mikal was a good ninja. He stayed out of trouble
but when trouble came he had to handle his. He did
nothing but ride around on the three wheeler's or go-
peds or scooter. He hung around me, his brother Percy,
my brothers, the twins and all the youngsta in the hood.
Bra you will neva be forgotten.
-Bra Bra
From The Beat: Thanks for letting us respect the memory of Mikal
in this special issue. Its through your love and dedication that his
memory stays alive through the years. Now its time for you to live in
his honor. How will you do this?
fMy Life Happened so Fast
I can only say so much about life. Mine has happened so
fast, I wonder -- will I give birth to a beautiful life when
the time is right? And will it look like my life...
It means so much, but when you've never enjoyed
yours, can you still say I have a life? Or should you say
"I want to live the good life" because that's one of your
dreams -- to live a good life.
■ Life. The good life to me means having a job and
doing good for myself, staying out of trouble and going
somewhere in the future, having a job and touring the
world, sharing my life with others so they can get a feel
for the way life should be.
Life is like a battle full of good verses evil but the
good life is full of good things.
I don't know...
-LIT W
From The Beat: In a way, "I don't know" is like the most honest answer
a person could give, because one thing we know for sure: Life is a
great mystery. Sometimes it feels like a punishment, sometimes like a
miracle - and we don't get to go back in time to fix our mistakes, it's
a one shot deal! We don't have answers to your questions, but believe
us when we say, we spend a lot of time wondering about them, just
like you do!
RIP Luis
He Is My Life
Today is a bad day, I don't know why,
But everything seems to disappear out of my life.
I'm away from him for way too long,
Time seems never ending, but I gotta be strong.
I was out making money, really didn't let money make
me,
But me and him did it together,
'cause I didn't have a wifey, out on them streets,
I know it ain't good, psychos and addicts all through
the hood had pimps run after me,
But I had to run, cause I wasn't 'bout to choose
because of no gun. He don't hit me and he don't yell,
We done been through a whole lot of hell,
But I know he always gone be there, cause I'm his
main,
Ain't no b— standing in my way.
I can honestly say that he is my life, because I don't
know when I'm gone stop.
I wish I was out so I can get my money on da block.
I know I'm young, but I got a mind of my own,
I don't know when I'm gone change, or the game is
going to be gone.
-Arabian Goddess
From The Beat: We can see you have your own mind by the way it
works overtime/as you lay down your heart in the words of this
rhyme/but this man you've got if he cares like you say/why does he
let you face danger each day/why does he let you make money on
the block/knowing that each day could bring death's knock? He can't
save you - even if he tries, you're the only one who can brake through
these lies/not the lies from him but the ones you tell YOU/when you
believe that the street is waiting for you.
Hey what's up. Well, my name is Rolando, I lost my ninj;
Luis. I made a shirt with his picture on it, and it said RI
Luis: Gone But Never Forgotten.
My potna's got his name tatted, and when I get
I'm gonna get his name tatted too.
Sometimes when I hear a song that my potna Lui;
liked, I be tellin' my girl that he liked it. I share all th
good times that I had with Louis with my girl. I tri<
change, but I just can't.
-Rolando
From The Beat: At least Luis's memory lived on in a positive thing; The
music you share with a person you love. But can that memory also
bring you in the positive direction of changing your life around and
making good things come in your life?
»
Dec 27 - A Sad Day
My homegirl passed away a few years ago on Dec. 27.
Her anniversary is coming up. I don't like Christmas as
much as I did, because of her loss. I miss her a lot, she
was my potna's lady. That was the first time I seen him
cry. RIP Laura. You'll be missed.
-Dopey
From The Beat: This is so deep - death and destruction, they can take
even take Christmas away. But we hope that for you, when Dec 27th
rolls around, you let your good memories of her fill your heart. That
is the only way to beat back the bitterness.
yC'tiW'A
w m.z> ram eimm mm,
tmt$® ®%$ af 'moMs
(
Not Fadom, Not Big Brah
I was in shock when I heard. It never came ta mind dat
Fadom would die! Shhh, real beast die some day, an' his
came. Shhh, he made it far enough ta plant his seed.
Damn hard ta believe... not dat he gone, but who did it.
Yeah, one of da homies who I thought was big brah but
now gotta watch him.
Now da 'hood all messed up; homies killin' homies.
RIP Fadom and all the rest. Gone but never forgotten.
-Quan
From The Beat: When you put yourself out on those mean streets, you
risk losing the most precious God-given gift of all: life itself! We hope
the loss of your homie will make you think twice before doing the
things that lead to such tragedies. (Sorry, we had to take a few lines
out of this piece because they were not Beat appropriate.)
Free Me
, do you thii
I'm askin' this 'cause I think of you
I do want you close to me
But do you want me close to you?
I just want to feel your touch
But would you want to feel mines?
I love that smile, but recently you seem to fro^
Why is that? Is it 'cause you want me back?
If that's so, I would love to have you also
But you're just too much of a flirt for me
Yeah, so I got my love for ya I just don't understai
See boy, you crazy and I'm crazy
Put two of us together and we'll be mad crazy
When we get out come see me.
-Badness
From The Beat: Sometimes, we think girls spend too much time
worrying about some boy instead of focusing on their own futures,
with or without a boy.
-
2000 Tons Heavier
:
Befo' I got wrapped fo' this dumb shhh, my legs was
carrying 95 pounds.
But I knew I was getting wrapped when I heard them
damn sirens sounds,
A change of lifestyle 'cause I'm back in the halls
These small-ass drawls puttin' pressure on my balls,
All this for that damn gun...
I ain't 95 no mo', I'm 2000 tons!
-GB
From The Beat: We're not sure what you mean by "dumb shhh," but if
you mean you were dumb to have a gun, then we agree... The weight
you're carrying is called consequences.
He Keeps Me Op
Tattoo... I would get what I would represent, where I'm
from and that's what I got right now. So that's how I
do. But I would get some cross hands on my chest or
somewhere, but I have to get that somewhere sooner
or later 'cause I really believe in God. He really looking
out for me and helping me stay strong and keeping my
head up
-James
From The Beat: Does your belief in God keep you from doing some of
the things you used to do on the outs?
This Friday is my court. Hopefully they put me on home
detention. I miss my family so damn much. There is a
lot of things that I needed to do but I couldn't because
I'm locked up.
Example: I had a speeding ticket that I was supposed
to go to court for it. but I couldn't go. Now I'm going to
have to pay double the fine and get points on my license.
That pisses me off! But I can't blame anyone but myself
'cause I got myself in here. But I can't believe I'm going
to get a point on my license. Damn! ...
Damn! Hopefully I get out on Friday so I can take
care of all my stuff.
-Crow
From The Beat: We hope that you learned you were going home. But
whether it's now or later, you will be out of here. The question is,
what changes are you prepared to make so that you stay out
Start With School, And Don't St.
Wassup Beat Within? I'm just writing to y'all thi
getting out this Friday. I'm really trying to change m;
life around so this is going to be my last week here.
When I get out, I'm really trying to get a job for I can get
some money in my pockets for I can be ballin', living a
good life.
But you really have to go to school for you ca
somebody, so you really have to wake up. Stop dreaming.
Really, life can be easy, you just have to make it easy.
Don't make it hard for yourself because if you really
make it hard you can end up dead because you ma "
hard for yourself.
So if you want to make it easy, just do what you got
to do. Don't take no detours. Just do the right thing in
life. All right then, late!
-Young Racs
From The Beat: We think you have a winning formula for success — but
only if you follow your own advice! If you are serious about school,
new opportunities will open up for you as you learn new things. Like
you said, "Don't take no detours."
Tattoos
Watsup wit' The Beat? Fma talk about a tattoo that I
already have. But first, let me tell The Beat that this is
the last Beat I'm writing because I leave tommrow at
9:00. I'm not going to able to read this, Beat, because
I'ma be gone.
So, my first tattoo ever was, -Samoa-. It's on my
forearm on the left. The reason why I got that because
it's my culture and I really like my culture.
My second tattoo was Susana which is my mom's
name. And that means a lot to me. I got it the same day
as her birthday. I love my mom. She's always there when
I need her.
My third tattoo says, -Chunky-. Why I got that, I was
off pills when I went to go get that. But my fourth I'ma go
get my dad on my neck. I feel the same way of him like
my mom so that the end of my Beat.
-Chunky
From The Beat: We're really happy for you. Chunky. You've been
waiting a long time. We hope you write us so that we can send you
The Beat and so we can learn what life is like there. In so many ways,
you are lucky: You're out of the hall, you have a mother you love and
loves you and a father you love and loves you. Now, make them and
yourself proud.
S
Life for me is being free and doing what I want to do
at any givin time. If yo' life is about comin' to jail back
and forth, then you're not living your life, because every
time you end up in here, you lose a lot.
If I had a life to choose for myself, I wouldn't change
too much. But I will change a few things. So the people
who want, keep comin' to jail. Then yo' losin' your life.
-Lil' Moe-B-
From The Beat: We like the way you're thinking. Only, what do you
mean by "If I had a life to choose for myself..."? We think you do have
a life to choose, and we hope your thinking helps you choose wisely.
—
Tfeiuikl II 1 Tat
J
^V
What's good wit' tha Beat? It's ya boi Lil' Spitta comin'
to ya live from unit 4. I'ma tell ya a lil' bit 'bout a tat
I'm thinking of gettin'. I gon have a representation of
life and death. Tha top of my arm would start off with
life — things like tha sun, sky, heaven and other living
things on Earth. Then tha bottom will have a graveyard
an' underworld with a Egyptian theme to it. I ain't fully
thought it out yet, but that's 'bout it. Til tha next time
I'm ghost like Casper and tha Opera Phantom.
-Lil' Spitta
From The Beat: Sounds like you've given this some thought. It also
sounds like a complicated design. Do you know someone who can do
it? Are you worried about if it hurts?
Ld downs, bu.
try push me to the limit — like being in this room locked
up waiting for the days to go by. I had a life outside these
walls once, when I was happy and sometimes sad. I had
to leave it all behind when I got here. My mother tries to
be there, but she thinks keeping me in here or in a group
home is gonna do good for me. But it's really not.
I guess in life you can't always get what you want.
I have a hard life out of these walls. I left my boyfriend
behind not knowing were I'm at. I sit here waiting and
thinkin' and crying and stressing about what he's doing
and what he's thinking and what everybody's thinking.
Some days I feel like I can't take this pressure that
they give us to try to break us. I was in love. One's in
my life. I love that ninja to death but I guess he didn't
see that. But that was the worst day of my life when it
ended. I wish that it will all get better, but for now I just
got to get through it.
-Vanessa
From The Beat: Why does your mother think here or a group home
would do you good? If she was writing this, what would she say about
that? Is any part of it true? It appears that this ninja you loved didn't
keep you out of trouble as you might think love would require. Too
A Gangster's Live
Livin' life of a warrior an't no joke
Dodging bullets, smelling gun smoke
Walkin' through the streets with a grin on my face
Praying to God dat I will live to see da next day
-Yung Casper
From The Beat: Praying to God while breaking His rules/Doesn't seem
smart, doesn't seem cool/Since you're disrespecting Him, why should
He respect you/ [Is it smart to honor Him less than your crew?)
To me, I value my little brother's life more than anything
and anybody I know! The reason I value his life a lot is
because he is my closet friend, my best friend, and I
would do anything for him. I would give my life for him.
Life to me is worth more than the world itself.
If I could get a fresh start, I would have never skipped
school and made sure that me and my brother was on
time to every class. The life I would choose would be my
own, I would only make different choices. I would risk
my life for my little brother and my closest older sister
and my girlfriend's life.
I would save my little brother's life because he's only
15 and he has his whole life ahead of him. I would save
my sister's life because I cherish my sister and she's
one of the people who took care of me and I know she
would do it for me. Last but not least I would save my
girlfriend's life because she's had a rough start in life,
and she is willing do die for me. She's willing to pull that
if I ask her to and that's why I'm risking my life for those
people.
-G
From The Beat: To save anyone else's life, you have to make sure to
save your own first. The best way to "save" their lives is to find a
way to live with them without giving the system any power to take
you from them. That means some changes, when you get out of here,
because without those changes, you will just be wishing to help your
sister and brother, but not actually doing it.
Tattoos Representing Life Or Death
The tattoo I would choose to represent life would t
hands of Jesus because Jesus is the man who ga^
life.
Then the tattoo dat would represent death wuu±
be the grim reaper with my homie's tombstone on th<
background. I choose the grim reaper 'cause he's the
spirit who took my homie's soul, and he gots their soul
with him at all time cause my homies were some gr' —
ass vatos.
-Alfy
From The Beat: Where would you get these two tattoos on your body?
Opposite each other? In different places? How much would you have
to pay for a couple of tattoos like the ones you described?
What's up Beat? This Too Militant still holdin' it down
until I touch down and touch rounds. But today topic is
about today life.
Today life is getting crazier as the days go by. People
are become weak minded and others are having that "I
don't give a shhh" mentality. I feel that too many people
are degrading others, and that's having a lot of effect on
people.
Another things is during this life that we live now
people have something to prove and their life to lose. I
feel that if some one has something to prove, they would
go about it by being quiet and not expose their thoughts
knowing the person they're telling could make it so
it would never work. All I'm saying is if you invisible,
no one can, 'cause they can't see you. I'm going stay
safe...
-Too Militant
From The Beat: Of course, we agree that its best to keep your business
to yourself, especially of "your business" is dirt. But we don't agree
with you that you can be invisible. No one can — especially when
they're already marked in the system.
^I^twnAx^u^y
PAG 9
THFRFATWITHIN.ORG
VOLUME 12.46
SAN FRANCISCO C00NTY
Man, life is priceless, it's the best thing given to if on, When
i/on're in Jail, yonr fife is taken, you just as good dead basically.
My (Abusive] Boo
Well, personally I kinda got a boo named Scout. Y'all
heard of him when I wrote about him a minute ago when
I told y'all he socked me in my eye and it was black.
Well, it good now, but my eye still be tweaking though.
But it good.
When I get out, he still gonna come home. And yeah,
I know y'all thinking, "This gurl is stupid," but I'm not.
I really love him and I know I shouldn't. What do you
think beat!
-Hill Gurl
From The Beat: We don't remember what we told you last time, but we
wouldn't let anyone blacken our eyes! There's an old saying that "love
is blind," so we hope you're seeing things for what they really are,
and not just what you'd like them to be.
Life: One Day At A Time
When I think about death and life, I think aboi
tomorrow, and the next day. If you are livin' now, there'
no way of knowing if you go' be living tomorrow. So life
is a very important knowing your every move, and make
sure your next move is the right one.
Death is part of everybody's life. When you're born,
there's only one guarantee... that you will die. So all you
gotta do is live life one day at a time.
-Mouse
From The Beat: Of course you're right, we're all going to die, so why
hurry things? Take it one day at a time, and don't make the kind of
moves that lead you here.
__up with The Beat? Damn, ain't nothing new
the maximum security unit, just doing my time. I value
my life and the people I love. I got to value my own lift
because I have a lot to live up to and got a lot of shhl
planned. I'm 'bout to do somthin' with my life and
all this weak-ass shhh behind me.
But to keep it real, I might not be going home for
a while, so right now my life ain't got no value 'can«e
being in here I feel like I'm just rotting away.
I'll always value the life of the people I love bee
they are the ones I care for the most. Man, life is priceless,
it's the best thing given to you. When you're in jail,
life is taken, you just as good dead basically.
When I was with my baby cousins and nephews
when they was newborns, life is good. You only think
about the positive and blank out all the negative. For
that moment. If I could have a fresh start, I wouldn't be
in here that's for sure. I would still choose my life 'cause
ain't nobody got it like me. I would save my mom's life
'cause she always been there for me and always will.
My favorite birthday is mines 'cause it's the time of
the year to do it big. Like I said I love my moms, y'all
know why. Naw, I ain't gonna say I loved someone other
than my family 'cause that's some strong words towards
those females. Like my homie Termite used to say, this
the life I chose. See y'all at the Ranch.
-Marv
From The Beat: We hope you have a good program at the Ranch, so
that when you get back to your moms, you can stay with her.
n nun in urn
Time Lost
».
What cracking Beat? It's that true San Jonero Lil' Chris
living and alive today waiting for a new chapter to unfold
as a sit and wait to see if I'm going to have a fresh new
start by taking advantage of my diploma and by making
babies with my lady for all the time that I lost, well,
being in the Slamma
-Lil' Chris
From The Beat: We hope you wait to unfold that chapter that starts
with making babies. Babies don't ask to come into the world, but
when they do, they demand and deserve 100% attention and care.
You're not ready to provide that — and, at your age, you shouldn't be
ready to provide it. Give yourself a couple of years to build a stronger
foundation before you launch the next generation!
Tatts Representing Life
If I had to get a tatt it would be a Samoan tat called
"taullma" which is a Samoan art with different shapes
and patterns around yo' hand. If not it would be a
sona'imiti" which is a tatt on yo' stomach down to yo'
knees. This tat shows you're ready to enter manhood
-Big Uso
From The Beat: You writing for this issue educates readers to Samoan
culture. Thank you for this!
3HN
mm
$m&$te&*m.
Flex Life
N x What's up Beat? Today I'm going to write about life. As
I you all know, right now I am fighting a life sentence.
\ Let me tell you this ain't the place you want to spend
^v the rest of your life. You should be out there with your
v family making babies. Amen.
-Flex
From The Beat: Yes, you should be out there, but no, you should not
\be making babies. Babies should not be the product of your own
selfishness — something you want — but should be well thought out
>v and planned since (if you plan to be a father and not just a sperm
V ^ donor) they required your full attention and focus. Keeping it real,
^v you're not ready for that yet.
I
I
Life And My Mom
What's cracking Beat? This is Potatohead.
The life that I value the most is my moms. I value
my mom's life the most cause she's the one that gave
me birth and took care of me when I was a baby. Well
my mom was always there for me and she still is, even
though I be getting locked up and doing stupid shh. And
that's why I value my mom's life the most. Well that's all
I got to say Beat till the pencil hits the paper again late.
-Potatohead
From The Beat: We are glad to hear that you love your mama very
much. But why are you here? Why don't you value your mom even
more and stay the hell out of jail?
r
The Love Of My Life
Life And Death Tattoo
A tat of life is above because you fly anywhere and be
free. A tat of death is a death itself (the grim reaper).
A tat someone can be a tat of death but that person is
showing respect.
-Nacho
From The Beat: You didn't give us much information in this too-short
piece. For example, what does a "tat of death" look like? How does a
tat of death show respect?
.
Missing
The outs is what it's about
Chillin' with my homies
Can't wait till I see my way out
Everyday I think what's doin
Always moving and pursuing
Can't wait till I smell that Santa Clara air
When I think about fighting I just Pull my hai
I don't want no more time just sit back and ch
I'll be out real soon I'm for real
■Am
From The Beat: We can understand the fact that you are missing yo
freedom. But don't go back out there and do something dumb thai
bring you right back. I see you say its about chilling with your homu
but what about your fam? What about you tryin' to stay outta trouble
Or do you wanna keep coming back?
Saving A Life
Hey what's cracking Beat? Well today's topic is about
life.
Life is a great thing whether you take the right path
or the wicked one. Life to me truly don't mean shhh. I'm
in a place that takes all my privileges and heading to a
shittier one. I would risk my life for anyone in my family.
It's hard to say just because I would do it for anyone. I'm
not saying I hate my life but it's not that important to me
I'm just another screw up in my family.
I'm living this gangsta's paradise in San Jose. My
alma(soul) is not showing no pity or remorse but to give
my life to someone I truly loved I would give up on it,
Beat. So Beat I just want to tell everyone out there to live
their life 'till their wheels fall off.
-LIT K
From The Beat: Why doesn't life mean shhh to you? Is it just because
you're locked up? How do you think your family would feel if you were
to lose your life? Don't you think they'd be sad? We can understand
you saying that you would give up your life for someone you love, but
to just give up your life for nothing is something else. Think about
those that care about you also, you can't be totally selfish. There are
people that want to see you succeed, do good, and live life.
I value life, my homies, and family most of all, my
girlfriend Destiny. It sucks 'cause were both locked
up and she thought I would leave her side, but I didn't.
She's the person I love the most I can see her as my
wife. I would save her life from going towards the wrong
direction. I love her but never told her how I felt, so I just
want to let her know how much I love her and care for
her, and I will do anything for her. So I love you Destiny
and hope we can start a good and long relationship. So
Beat can you please put my writing in the Beat please.
-Gadsden
From The Beat: You're writing is in The Beat. Your writing is always
printed in The Beat as long as it is appropriate. This is a very sweet
piece. We hope the best for you and your girl. Y'all need to stay out of
jail so you can make your relationship work.
One Life
And only the strong survive
So we're always on point and know
Just how to strive
Cheated death so many times I don't know any or
our shoes that would still carry on
Most people we know would rather die once
everything's and everyone's gone
But death isn't an option so our struggle like ;
gobstopper is everlasting
So we continue till we're the final one's laughin .
-Chimy
From The Beat: How are you the last ones laughing? How many times
can you keep cheating death? You can run but you can't hide. You
wanna keep playing this game trying to survive? How long do you
plan on living?
I'm Just Ready To Leave
When I think of death it doesn't hit me anymore
Sometimes it feels like I was born into a war
So when I think of life I say "I was bred to die, born to
live."
I could already see my tombstone, so they better start
to dig
Because I've already reached my peak
And everyone I love can see me going six feet deep
And all you guys know what goes around comes
around
So you better live like a soldier before you hear that
flat line sound
But still tell your young ones not to live the gangster
life
Even thought I never thought twice to pull my knife
It's not only because I want to show that I ain't weak
It's 'cause I rather live on my feet then die on my knees
Not only am I a warrior away from death I just want to
breathe
So when you ask me "why don't it seem like you want
to breathe?
It's not that, I'm just ready to leave.
-Goofy
From The Beat: Why are you ready to leave? Do you feel like you did
everything that you wanted to do in life already? How does a look
"why don't it seem like you wanna breathe?" Look like? Is it a look
of despair? A look that says, "I don't care!" What makes you feel this
way?
Life And The Right Choice
Life is what you make it. It can lead you towards good
or bad depending on the choice you make. My advice to
you is to make the right choices. Who cares what other
people think? If you think for yourself, you live longer.
Play the game right, baby!
-Sevena
From The Beat: OK, sounds good. Better start listening to your own
advice, wouldn't you say?
[
A Tattoo Representing Life and Death
I'm not really into tattoos, but if I were to get one I'd have
to think about it a lot before I did it. It would represent
both life and death because it would be my momma's
face. She passed away 2 years ago, and I would do it
in her memory. I would get the tat so she could be
everywhere with me.
-sg
From The Beat: Sounds like a good idea? Where would you put it?
I'm going to write about someone .
family. The one person that I have a lot of love for would
be my ex boyfriend, Dani. I mean I love this guy so much
that I would give my life for his, if he needed it. When
you love someone you would do anything for them, even
if it means to risk your life. That's all I got to say until
next time, Beat.
From The Beat: That's a lot of love Vivian. We hope your f
appreciate the depth of your love.
A Hard Life
^
Life is what you make it, so that's it for now. My life is
rough and hard. You can die any day, any time anywhere.
It is what it is.
-Juzette
From The Beat: Are you saying that you've made your life rough and
hard? If that's so, then stop beating yourself up. Give yourself a break.
Be kind to yourself. That means - stop doing whatever it is that makes
your life rough and hard.
,-
Life And Death
Life And Death
Life and death
Lost ones you can never forget
Live life like it's your last
Before someone goes and kills your ass.
Everyone should live life to the fullest
For the ones in the streets, try and dodge them bullets
One life, one God, one love
Have fun all day, so let's hit the club
Roll up a bleezy, and give me the hen
This is for all my dead friends
Who lived their life, and never thought of death,
Ray-Ray and Tookie
People we will never forget.
-Old Friend
From The Beat: You're right! You only got one life to live so live it up.
Nice poem. You live life and never think about death till it happens to
somebody you know.
When I hear death, I think of someone is going to die
or already dead. If there was that special someone that
left me I will go to the funerals and pay my respect. I
learned that when I went to the funeral people were sad
and crying and probably wishing that they were still
alive. Yes I have been to two funerals and that is what I
see in people.
My friend told me he was walking down the street
and someone people pulled a gun out at him and he said
his whole life flashed before his eyes. No, I have never
seen death. It probably feel sad when someone dies right
in front of you. A mother or father must go through a lot
if they lost their own child. They will probably wish it
was them.
I have dealt with death like everyone is going to die
some day. I value my family life because I just wouldn't
want to see them go. For some life is worth a lot no
matter if they're poor are rich. It's a great feeling when
you're close to a newborn baby and especially when they
smile at you our laugh.
If I was given a fresh start I will try to finish school
and get a job. I will chose a rich life and own a big piece
of land. I will risk my life to save my family just because
they have a whole life to explore.
-Monkey
From The Beat: There are many interesting ideas in this piece, Michael.
In fact, there are too many interesting ideas! Don't combine all the
topics into one piece. Choose just one topic and write all about that.
Anyway, we're glad that you haven't had to experience death up close
yet. What do you do to keep yourself safe? Do you have anything in
mind to change when you get out of here?
y
J
Life is hard
Life is easy
Life is weird
Life is odd
But then life is
What you make it!
-This Life
Trade Your Spot
Yes I know a lot of people that are living more worst
than me, I watch the National Geographic Channel and
I see kids in Africa and Ethiopia who live more rough
lives than a lot of people who think there life is rough.
They starve, don't have medical help, a lot are dying
from diseases.
People who have it good don't know what they have,
'cause they never take the time to think about stuff like
that children in Iraq live in poverty, wars, are being used
as weapons, trained to kill, they would love to switch
places with someone in America. I think a lot about
stuff like that I think they would love to be in my spot
and would not take their life for granted and would love
to live our life, let's stop wasting our time.
-Da-Kid
From The Beat: Yes, there are many young people who live lives
unimaginable to most of us. However, too many of us do not want to
think about this. What do you mean when you say, "stop wasting time"?
Do you think people waste their time thinking about unimportant
things? Clarify your point for us...
PAG 22
Life's Choices
Life is what you make of it. You make your own decisions.
You choose the path you take. Sometimes things happen
out of your control but you can decide what you make of
those things. Like being locked up - you can decide to
be depressed and sit in your cell all day, or you can try
to make the best of it and maybe you'll have fun. So my
advice to you is to stay positive! Keep ya head up!
-Crystal
From The Beat: Alright. You sound like a counselor. Maybe you should
think about it. What do you want to do when you get older?
One Continuous Event
Something Valuable
Some ones life I value is my two year old son I love him to
death. I will do anything for him whether it's just being
there for him I sometimes sit in my room reminiscing
about my son all the time trying to remember his cute
baby face. And trying not to give too much about him and
sorry about him because I know he's in good hands.
-Niko
From The Beat: We are glad to hear that your baby is in good hands.
But wouldn't you rather hold your 2 year old son with your own
hands? You say you would do anything for your son right? Then stay
outta jail. Do everything you can to stay outta jail so you won't be
missing your son.
outta
f
Life's
Life is hard things you never
thought would happen happen.
As for me, I didn't think I would meet
the man of my dreams,
but I did and I'm happy,
but also I didn't hink I would get pregnant
at the age of a young teen, and here I am -
one and a half months pregnant.
I didn't plan for it to happen.
I wish I was smarter but I'm happy
it's from the guy I Love
and I know I'll always be with.
Well, I turn 15 in two weeks and my man
Turns 17. Life is going to be hard
but I know if we try hard enough
me and my baby's daddy can do it!
I look up to God to protect us and help us!
But I'm really sad because my mom
is going to be disappointed and mad.
I love my man so much.
She doesn't know but I am
going to tell her when I get out.
-Unknown Teen
From The Beat: You've got your hands full. Unknown Teen. We can
only wish you the best of luck and urge you to let your mom know
what's going on as soon as possible.
Life Ain't Easy
What I think about life is that it ain't easy. You should
live, laugh, love, party, have fun, cry, hate, and be who
you want to be. Do what you have to do but, regret
nothing, because at the end you will find out that's the
way you wanted your life to be.
-Judy
From The Beat: Are you sure?
Life and death are not separate. They are one continuous
event. You start dying as soon as you are born. And ask
anyone who's just almost died, deaths presence makes
life feel so valuable. Just think "One day I will die" this
thought is chilling inevitably thought it is followed by
"Damn, I'm alive!"
So what are you doing with your life? Are you happy,
or do the things you have make you happy? Does it
come from inside, or from that kingdom where "moth
and dust doth corrupt?"
So as we go through life with these devils on one
shoulder and an angel on the other, we've got to think
about what we really value, and try to live with some
integrity. And try to be happy.
-Monk
From The Beat: You're absolutely right about life and death? The
thought of dying is chilling. We should be glad we're alive. We also
should stop and think how valuable life is and really not wasting our
time making it harder on ourselves or other people. You've brought up
some interesting points. Are you happy with your life? Are you scared
of death? What are you doing with your life?
Turning Point
The turning point in my life was during sophomore yea
I started doing drugs, I'm not saying they are bad
the stupid shhh I did to get them.
The events that led to my incarceration, and
drugs was a series of burglaries. Me and some friend!
would ditch school almost everyday o rob a house just
to use the money for a half ox, and we would smoke
it that afternoon. And now I'm sitting here everyday,
wishing I could go back and take it all back. The peoples
and families lives I've messed up.
My mother tells me my little brothers ask her ev<
night where I have gone. Sitting here with no family or
friends is indescribable. But now I have to do my time,
then get back in the world with more knowledge than
before.
-Justin
From The Beat: Many people make poor choices when they do drugs.
They transform our behavior — we become different people. This is true
with chemical drugs and the drug of habit. Do you really think that
just doing your time will help you break your addiction to drugs of
habit?
Fresh Start
Freedom of speech
Rewind time
Emotions
Satisfaction
Honesty
Strength & courage
Trust worthy
Ambition
Reborn
Tears of sorrow
These are the things I would use in a fresh start. And,
quit messin' with these fact ninjas and stop selling
drugs in these streets.
-Anna
From The Beat: Very clever, Anna. Thanks for sharing your desire for
a new life!!
PAG 23
True Feelings
Hey what's up Beat? Today, I'm going to write a letter
to a girl that I realized that I love. Back at my first
time writing to The Beat, I was heart broken because I
thought I was in love; but after that break up, I realized
that I still love the girl I was going out with a couple of
years ago. I'm gonna start to talk to her and at least be
friends with her, and maybe later on in life we can be
together again.
-Nacho
From The Beat: The heart plays tricks on us lots of times. Do you
think, if you were still on the outs, she would be so important to you?
Would you be trying to get with her and respecting her enough not
It's love
It's sadness
It's do
It's die
It's depressing
It's easy
It's day by day
It's breath, by breath
It's choices
It's every feeling you've ever felt
It's that first cry
But to me it's everything I
Want, I just have to give it all
I got, not for me, but it's all
For the love of my life coming
In a real fast five months in time.
To all for the love of my life my baby boy/girl!
-Kristina
From The Beat: We like your optimism. And that kind of thinking is
good for your baby, too.
Educator
Let me extend my utmost love and respect to all who
come across my words.
Well as you all know and to those who don't I'm
and "Educator." I'm known to The Beat as Educated
Gangster. I try and do my best to help educate those
who are incarcerated and deep thinkers. I don't know it
all but I do know a good grip. And I urge all to help those
in need of education.
Now, to steer your attention to situations worse
than our own. Or mine at least. As youngsters we are
suppose to be learning and unlearning things everyday.
So, as I speak before those who have it worse off than
ourselves, I apologize for our whiners cries over petty
time. I know plenty out there, in here, and else where
doing 10+ years and others, life. I'm always grateful that
I haven't stricken out and put myself into a position that
is frowned upon. But to those who are there, strive and
educate your mind.
A lot of us are complaining about 6-8 months, 4
months, even 30 days! I got something for ya, "Shut
up." There are others who would trade a spot with you
in a minute. Just do your time and make it a learning
experience. Do yo' time, don't let your time to you.
With that said, I exit this the same ways I entered,
with my utmost love and respect. Stay educating yo'
selves.
-Educated Gangster
From The Beat: What does it look like to "make it a learning
experience"? It is easy enough to say, but what does the day-to-day
look like? Many people do not see the larger picture of their life and
the world, but how do people learn to see?
Value My Life
Congratulations On The One Life
Hard to believe anyone could be
Evaluated for something not good
But everything's just compared to what
And you've already walking the road
That leads to what a free man knows
Of good and evil contrary as cotton
And boll weevils
But wisdom marries heaven and hell
And makes of hell's flames a cool place to dwell
So into the jaws of the system
The belly of the beast
You'll walk like a Daniel in the lion's den
Not harmed in the least
'Cause you know where you're going
And you know where you've been
Walk tall through it all my young friend
Forgiveness if sin is just the beginning of your new life
Directed toward your chosen end
A young man learning what it means
To be Godsend
I put too much on it I'm sure
Just do your best and you'll endure.
-Father Time
From The Beat: You have some amazing talent. You are very descriptive.
Who are you congratulating? What inspired you to write this poem?
How were you feeling?
1
I only value one person in my life and that's this girl
Kristina. I value her because she's the only girl that
show me love and acts that cares for me. She's the only
girl I call to talk to because I really don't talk on the
phone but only to her though. But I can't wait to see her
when I get out these weak halls.
From The Beat: What kind of relationship do you have with this girl?
Is she your future girlfriend, or she more like a sister? How much do
you value her?
My Tat, My Life
If I was going to get a tat it would be a monkey doing
a hand stand while eating a banana. I think it best
represents life because life should be about challenging
what people hold to be true and normal.
Screw the gang life, selling drugs, or trying to be
hard, care free, fun, give you that natural high with no
repercussions. Truth is I was gonna get it on my arm
before I locked up.
For death I'd get a vulture because they feed on
the death of others and they truly represent it. Though
getting it would make me feel like I am one which would
me sick.
-Jesus
From The Beat: We wish that everyone could think a little like you.
We would almost live in a perfect world if everyone said screw the
gang life, forget selling drugs, or trying to be hard. But then again, it
wouldn't be real life. You're gonna have your ups and downs, negatives
and positives. We can make the best of it, or the worse. What's your
plan on getting out?
Life I Value
Well the only life I value is my own because no one else
cares about me. Not my mom not my dad no one. So in
this world I've been on my own since the age of 12. And
there has been no one to look after me. I'm not tripping
though at first I'm not going to lie I was sad and at the
same time I was mad but then I guess I got over it. . .
I'm 16 now, my mom comes to visit me and I still
love her the only reason is because she's my mom but
that don't mean that I have forgiven her.
-Sergio
From The Beat: What happened that made you think that your mom
doesn't love you? What did she do to you? You said you still love her,
right? So what makes you think that she doesn't love you? She comes
to the hall to visit you right? Don't you think that's some type of love?
We don't know your situation, but sometimes parents do shady things
in the past because they don't know better. We all make mistakes even
Moms, Dads, Uncles, Aunties, Grandmas. That's part of human nature
we still keep learning until the day we die.
Life and Death
Mom Puts Up With Me
My favorite birthday is when I get money from people. I
love my mom the most because she put up with my shhh
no matter what it was. I don't know what kind of tat I
would get if anything I would get a skull just because I
like the Raiders. So this is just what I think of death.
-Monkey
From The Beat: We're not sure what this has to do with what you
think about death... But we do have a question: If you love your mom
fWhat up Beat?
Well, just the week before I got locked up, one of my
homeboys got shot. He died right in the hood. He was on
his way to 7-Eleven to get a blunt when a car full of rivals
asked him if he banged. He said yeah, and what? Pop! He
got hit once in the chest, died 10 min later.
I He had his memorial the other day, and I didn't get to
say goodbye. But he wasn't from my hood, just a homeboy
that lived there. If I had to give my life to someone for them
to live, I would have no questions about it. Maybe they have
something to live for. I do, but for a whole different reason.
You see, I'm a gang member, and where I'm from, my
hood doesn't like to see innocent people dying. If I saw a
gun being pointed at a little girl or boy, I would jump in
front of it. Or if my homeboy was about to get shot, I'd do
the same. He was something to live for. I'm too deep in the
game to turn back, or get out.
Gangbanging ain't the way to go, I know, but, I was
raised into it, so I became it. My life is just as valuable as
the next, but I guess I already chose the wrong path. RIP to
all the fallen!
-Negro
From The Beat: This is a really honest piece but, sometimes, we feel
like you "gang members" use certain ideas as an excuse. Yes, you were
born and brought up in this life, but does that mean you have no
destiny? It sounds like you are an honorable person, you want to
keep people safe in your neighborhood, but perhaps you should try
to take it easy and not take matters of life and death into your
My Life In The Gage
They got me in a cage full of anger and pain
Ready to go all out for taking my name in vai
This is the real Manuel from this unit still holdi
down
Haven't got my piece in The Beat magazine but '
thinking about the crown
People love to put me down
You can try all you can but I bet you wont succ
I walk with my head up high even though I'm in a
man cell
Just got sentence with no bail
Thanks to my lawyer proved me innocent even though
I was
Sensing the begging of time
Haven't seen my son in a while
Well Veat (alrato) later
-Manue
From The Beat: We're sorry to hear that you aint se— »"*■■- -*»■• s - •-
while. Why is that? Is it the result from putting it d
^
Grandma To'ieva
What's up Beat? It yo' boi Siaki droppin' through again.
Well, I gonna be talking about life. Well, the person's life
I value is my grandma To'ieva 'cause her life to me is
everything. Well Beat I started late 'cause of a visit.
-Siaki
From The Beat: Well, since you didn't have much time to write this, we
would love to read an entire piece about your Grandma To'ieva. Why
does she mean so much to you? Is she still alive? What would she like
you to be doing?
Life is life
It can be taken away
Death is death
It can't be taken away
Because there's nothing to take away.
-Anonymou
From The Beat: Nice poem and very interesting point of view! Ho
do you relate Life and Death. Don't you think that they go hand
in hand? Why do you think that there isn't anything to take away
from death? Don't you think you can learn from death? Like learn a
valuable lesson?
From Innocence To The Hall
Well, for me it all started since I was a lil' boy. I always looked
up to all my cousins and uncles. I used to follow them around.
But in order to be allowed to be around them, they would make
me and my other cousin (Jovany) fight. I always beat him up.
At the end of it they would make me leave, and they would take
him across the street a buy him candy so he wouldn't tell and
to stop crying.
After a while my cousin lost interest in chillin' around
them. But I still stuck around and absorbed everything they
would talk about. I seen them do everything imaginable. Then
my mom wouldn't let me go around them anymore and took all
my gang clothes away. When I hit ten, I got into vandalizing.
That was the first time I had got in trouble with the law. I had
got on six-month probation.
After that, I did coo' until I met one of my brothers, "the
friendly ghost" and we later became crime partners till this day
doing big boy things. Ever since then we got deeper into gangs
and etc. Which made me grow up fast, which in most cases are
with the youngsters in here too.
(To be continued)
-Lil* Juero
From The Beat: As you look forward, where do you see yourself in
five years? If you continue to do the things that have brought you
back and forth into the system, how will you be able to avoid it in
the future? Is going to prison a goal for you? If not, what are your
PAG 25
A Tattoo Representing Either Life Or Death
What up, Beat? It's your boy, Chucky. I have a tat of my
daughter's name on my left eyebrow. It says Corine and
that is life to me 'cause she is my life. I love her. She
means a lot to me. Why I got it was because she is my
first kid and she has made a good impression on my life,
enough to make me change. I haven't seen her in three
months, so on Nov. 23rd I get out and get to spend my
whole life with her and make up for the lost times.
- Chucky
From The Beat: Well Chucky, we hope your life with your daughter
is going well but we wonder what your daughter will think of your
other tattoo ... the one on your neck that reads "Never trust a b— h."
It seems like those two are contradicting each other.
Damn, ha-ha life! It's hella coo'! I can't wait for my fresh
start try to do good. Ha ha (psych). Naw I really just try
to stay low and not get in any more trouble. Damn all I
got to do is stay up.
Life is hard hell, but no one said it was easy. But it's
all good all I got to do is run my own program and do
what I got to do and stay out. Shhh, I got to get back on
my feet.
-Tl
From The Beat: What will your "fresh start" look like? Will it keep you
out of places like this? (Neither one of the two pieces you wrote tells
us much 'cause you can't say much in two or three sentences...) What
does it mean to you to "run your own program?" What do you have to
do to stay out? Are you going to do it?
Valuing Life
Hey 9" vo Beat Within? It's this abstract minded vato
Troubles from Gilroy once again! On this topic of life, the
person's life I value is mine. I mean after what happened,
I'm going to think of the streets a lot different. But also
I value my mother's and brother's and my sister's life.
I cherish their lives so much that I would give my life
for theirs. Well I already wrote something today and my
times up so till next time stay up beat.
-Troubles
From The Beat: We're really glad that your recent experience has
caused you to think differently about the streets, and about the value
of your own life as well as that of your family. They don't want you
to give up your life for them. They want you to live your life WITH
b
Take Care
When we are born and our parents of guardians take care
of us our whole lives up until its time to move out, then
we get a job, and our parents get old, especially when
you are a son, then it is our responsibility to take care
of our parents like they have supported us through our
early years. And not just blow them off and say screw
them. But most parents are glad if their kids can just
support themselves in this time period. So take care of
those who have taken care of you.
-Justin
From The Beat: It is probably impossible to ever fully repay our debt
of gratitude to our parents. There is no reason guardians have to take
care children, and taking care of children is an incredibly difficult and
lifelong endeavor. Your piece sparks an interesting concept: repaying
our debt of gratitude...
Stressful Life Full Of Poor Choices
Childhood was hard growing up in the projects
pops was always broke
no joke
Was introduced to liquor and coke
Marijuana came along the way at a very young age
I loved the smell of it
Pleasant
well as I got old started needing money
So went stealing stereos
that was lame though
Got tired of buying
so started selling
This is straight from the heart,
which tore me apart
And now look stuck in a cage stressing.
-Manuel
From The Beat: Its hard to grow up surrounded by drugs, and poverty.
But you know you can get money several different ways. You sound
like a smart dude. Why don't you think about ways you can make
money legally. Instead of stressing in that cage, you should be
plotting. You ain't gonna be in there forever, and we fo' sure don't
want to see you go back to your old ways. Think man, think!
.e Gift Of I
: a gift, a privilege sc
giving to you and to others but it can also be taking as
fast as it was giving. When you are giving a life to live
some don't realize how important it is to oneself. S
use it for good and enjoy the gifts and rewards for
you've been living such as school, like college and
great paying job and after wards enjoy the pay you
Or you can use life to have fun, do drugs, have
and gangbang, but in the long run it was just a waste
of your life. Then when you are on the end of that long
run, you would think of the positive things you could of
done with that part of your life. As I said before, life can
be giving and taken away, so be thankful for yourself
being and take advantage of your life to make it better
for yourself.
-Johnny
From The Beat: Good point. Some of us don't know what we want
to do with our lives, or end up wasting our time by thinking that
partying, having sex, and doing drugs is the only thing to do in life.
But there are all kinds of things to do, all different types of places to
go and see. In the end we all have our different situations. Some of
us might think that money is the key to living life full of happiness.
Or some of us like the simple things in life. Whatever it may be we
should all take advantage of it and show appreciation.
Teaching My Sons To Be More
Life is a beautiful thing that should not be taken for
granted. I've seen a life brought into this world when
my second son was born, I did not know what I'd be in
for. It was a beautiful nasty sight, I seen what I created
it was crazy. I love both my boys to death. I would do
anything for those lil ones, risk my life for them. I just
want to make sure that their life is great and teach them
how to grow up and be successful young men and not
to be like me but better than me in life. I want them not
to be involved in gangs. They should play sports and be
gentlemen like their father. Ya feel me bra.
-DaKid, Santa Clara
From The Beat: Wow, you get to be a father of two healthy boys.
Many people do not get to enjoy this. How do you plan to teach your
sons everything that you want to? Most fathers start out with that
intention, but many parents fall short...
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
r.
From The Beat: Going along with the theme for the rest of this issue,
life and death, we decided to go through our huge pile of Beat Without
writing and follow suit with this theme. What you will read in this section
of The Beat Within are our writers speaking about both life and death, so
be prepared to be blown away. We are grateful to be able to put together
such a special issue, and even more grateful that we get to read what
you've all sent. If we missed you, we apologize and will definitely publish
your writings after our holiday break. But as for now, grab a cup of Joe or
hot chocolate, sit down on your bunk, and receive the blessing of being
me r
What Is Your Purpose To Life
Many people ask them selves this every day in life:
What is my purpose to life?
As the day starts up, minutes are running and the
clock is ticking for the days on Earth not knowing what
obstacles we might have to face or even what obligation we
devote or self to.
Many of us try to convey the dreams we have to life
which makes to have a purpose to life. This all starts
within yourself as a kid, when we started school. So now
whatever you put in to life is what you're going to get out
of life. It's like a enlist to a military base, and you have
straight discipline within yourself.
In order to have a set goal that you have set when you
was a kid, it will take a lot of achievement that one must
strive forward to be successful. You can be
anything that you want to be such as a judge, attorney,
doctor, even own your own bank.
Ask yourself : Is this my purpose, to be locked up, a
gang banger, a hustler on the go, a dope dealer or anythingof
the life style you chose to live? People do what they do . . .
even young kids who get caught up in the midst of fire, not
knowing what the repercussions are.
You have to face hurting your friends, loved ones who
have let you drink and sleep on their couch, so now if you
can stop and think of others. You can have a purpose to
life as to change things around.
If we put people before ourselves, this is a blessing. We
will not get it right there or you to expect self graduation.
But at least you know with in your heart you did it for a
purpose, and not to expect nothing. A lot of people tell me
that our life is real short, which is true. But there is an old
saying which a counselor told me, and that was to be kind
to yourself and to not let no one get you down.
We all have a purpose in life. If no one think so, I am a
prime example.
That's what I'm here today writing -- this I have never
thought or begin I have or had a purpose to life now to
elaborated and enlighten or to put you abreast a lot of
people know me as bullet I have been going in and out of
prison since I was 18 around the age 17 I was introduced
to crank, known as speed or meth.
I have had a lot of broken relationships because of
trust issues. At the age of 18 I was in Vacaville. My roller
coaster ride took me to Mule Creek, old Folsom and new
Folsom.
I thought all this would have been a lesson to me. The
more I love the ride the more I strive for this adrenaline.
And this all started in 1989, so what did I get out of this
ride? A validation.
Then one day I poured water on this fire that was
inside me. I had to stop and think, what is my purpose on
life?
I still could not get a hold or a grip of it, so I continued
able to receive thoughts, beliefs, and emotions from inside the walls.
And until next year, have as good a holiday as you can and if you can't
stand being locked up for the holidays, write about it and we'll definitely
publish your masterpiece. With love and joy, this editor is signing off... By
the way. We apologize to all you writers if we missed a specific detail in
our intro to you, such as location, age, and if you are a returning or first
time writer, given the person in charge of this section is not present....
Fortunately your words are powerful to stand on their own. Again, we
extend our apologies to you thoughtful writers!
GREGORY VALDEZ ™Je„ u „ ere <
the greatest loss there is in this life... the loss of his child. And he
found himself literally dancing in the flames of hell (see for yourself)
as he tried to drown himself in drugs and action and a purposeless
existence. But Gregory has found something, in jail, that he now
shares with The Beat: He discovered what it means to have a purpose
in life, and how a purpose can make anything bearable. Read his piece
and then ask yourself, as Gregory did, "What is my purpose in life?"
to do what I thought was right, and that was to get high and
ditch and dodge the police or the parole agent.
As I kept getting on this ride I got sicker and sicker of
it. By this time I already had two beautiful girls, and I still
just could not get it right or even know what my purpose
to life was. Everyone who know me or thought they knew
me thought that I had lost my mind.
But to tell people the truth on how I lost my mind, I
was asking myself 'what was my purpose to life' because I
had lost my child to a desease called Rett Syndrome.
This is a disorder with no cure. I was losing my child
and I didn't know when, but when she pass away a part of
me had just died leaving me no purpose to live for.
I even attempted some stunts. On numerous occasions
I jumped out of vehicles on freeways. I took an SUV, rammed
it straight into a house and should have been dead on the
impact. But somehow I managed to crawl under the engine,
get out, and dance in the street like nothing happened to
me.
I even fought with the renters of the house as well as
Sac PD!
My purpose was to take myself out. But I'm still here,
and for a damn good reason.
I tried to even do what was right before I started making
my own stunts, not knowing how to cope with life.
I know this Beat Within publication goes out to strive
for hope and inspiration for you.
Life most of all it's a spiritual helpful for those you
don't even know we all have the good fundamentals to
life.
As to what our purpose is to life? Early in this essay
or breakdown of my own theory, I said that life is what
you put into it. If you grew up in the fast life style, such as
gang-banging, selling dope, trying to make a dollar out of
15 cents, some even prostituting -- now is the chance to
make a change, to make a purpose to your life.
So now in the long run you would gladly received
benefits to your life as well in community you can make
your career to any purpose you strive for. You do not have
to be a follower you can be a leader and an example to
others or even save a life, so with my little input I hope
some people soaked this up or I even helped them.
We do not have to be out down, because we all do have
a purpose to life.
Respectfully submitted!
J
I Got Tomorrow
To the youth caught up in the system today - remember, you
still have tomorrow.
So as you sit where you are today, think about how you
will live your life when this is all over. Today is the time to set
goals in your life for tomorrow because you will have choices to
make. I know that there's good in all of us but we have to bring
it out so others can see the good and they won't assume that
we are looking for trouble. Instead they will smile as you find
your way back to living a positive life.
While you are in the system, take advantage of it in school,
and learn all you can so when you are back in the free world you
will have a good head on your shoulders. We need education
in order to make it in the real world, believe me, because if you
don't use this time bettering yourself you will be back. How
do I know? Because I've been there, caught up in the system
and couldn't find a way out. It's no game. I started out in
juvenile hall at a very young age and many years have passed
by, and I'm still in the system. Yes, I'm in prison where life
is so much different from juvenile hall. The game is over and
every morning when I wake up I thank God that I have a release
date, and I thank God for letting me find out about The Beat
Within because The Beat Within really helps me stay focused.
All of your stories in The Beat give me the chance to help give
hope to the youth who are getting sent up state. Male and
female, we are all in his together. That's why we must spread
the word that we still have tomorrow. So be a friend today and
let someone know that they still have tomorrow. Remember,
your past doesn't have to be your future. Tell a friend!
Looking Toward The Fotore
Today we are forced to look at the choices we have made
that got us where we are today. Even if you are in juvenile
hall or CYA, it's not too late for change in your life. It's
time to learn how to say I've had enough, regardless of
what the homies think. You don't want to spend all your
life locked up in a jail cell because you put in work for
the home team so they would look up to you.
I used to think like that, wanting everyone to like
me. That meant being tough, going to juvenile hall. The
homies still weren't satisfied, so I ended up in boy's
ranch. My family was hurt because of my bad choices,
but not my homies! They just thought I was tough and
wanted me to put in work. I did what they wanted me to
do because I wanted to fit in with them. But you know
what happened? I got sent to CYA and my family started
asking me what was I trying to prove by being locked
up all the time. I didn't have an answer for them! I
just knew I was screwing up my life because I wouldn't
change.
I know a lot of youth today are locked up from
making poor choices or just trying to fit in with the
crowd out there. That's how I got where I am today. I'm
in prison because I refused to change. As a result, I've
spent most of my life in the system. I don't want any
of you believing you have to be tough or in a gang to
be happy, because if you look where you are today, you
can see being tough or cool in a gang ain't making you
happy now! I miss my family and friends, and the people
who truly care about me. They are the ones who know
life is great when you live it right.
It's not too late to change because this time will be
over one day and we get to prove to ourselves that we
have changed. So today, start looking forward to the
future and remember, it's a long journey ahead! But
we will make it, because God is always watching over
us. So when the holidays come, know that you are not
alone. Food for thought: I am a better person today!
WW V |Y|J ^ HH IYU CRC, Norco, CA sent in the
l\CI I n JMYII I n following pieces. Keith is
from East Palo Alto and has spent most of his adult life in the prison
system. He's spent a lot of time reflecting on his life, and now feels
compelled to speak out to young people in the hopes that he can warn
then about making the same mistakes he made. He writes with lots of
passion and lots of heart.
A Message To Oor Youth
Today there is so much peer pressure in our communities that we
need to take a stand and let our voices be heard in the schools and
in our homes, even in juvenile hall where it's really bad because
a lot of you youth think you have to prove that you are tough to
fit in with the peers there. But it ain't about that. It's all about
letting your peers know who you really are, even at the after-school
workshops. Let a friend know that he or she don't have to belong to
a gang or sell drugs or break any other laws to be cool. Being cool
is taking care of your business by going to school, getting involved
in after-school workshops, even sports, so you start to see the real
you and other people and friends see the real you.
I am from the Bay Area, and I used to think it was cool to hang
out on the street corners late at night with my crew. But every
time I went to juvenile hall or to camp the only one who really truly
cared was my mom. I couldn't see that, so I kept on doing the same
things. Before I knew it, I was in CYA, still trying to be cool. When
I got out I was so blind from peer pressure that I kept blowing my
life, trying to be cool. I've spent over half of my life in the system.
I'm 48 years old and waiting to get out of prison. Life is too short
to live it like this. Yes, I have learned my lesson, but look how
long it took! I'm telling you this, hoping you will listen, so that
you don't go through life like me, trying to take the easy way. The
only easy way is the right way. Young men and young women, you
can still make a difference like I'm trying to do today by warning
people about poor choices. It's not too late. Remember, change is
good even if you are sitting in juvenile or CYA. It's not too late to
start making positive choices in your life. I'm doing it and I want
to give back to my community any way I can because I know I will
be helping save a life. So let your voice be heard and you will be
helping save a life in your community. Remember, anything the
mind believes, the mind can achieve - within reason! Tell a friend.
Life is All Right!
Maybe you're in juvenile hall right now, but life is all right,
because we still have tomorrow to be a better person. It's
human to make mistakes in life, but the key is to learn from the
mistakes we make. A lot of our mistakes are from poor choices
which means that if we set some goals in our life on how to be
a better person (male or female) we will start to lean away from
the street life and start getting involved with positive peers.
If we want to be happy we have to surround ourselves with
positive people. I know a lot of us are tired of being away from
our family and sitting in juvenile hall! It's time to stand up and
take control of our lives because we believe me, the streets are
full of dreams and one day we wake up and find out it was all
just a dream! Don't spend your life dreaming because life is all
right when you are doing the right things - like helping others
understand how to deal with life's blows and by turning to a
friend to talk to. At the end of the day that's what friends are
for - someone to help you understand that you're not alone.
We all have struggles and a lot of times it's peer pressure from
the community because of all the chaos that goes on in a
community. Sometimes we get caught up in it and start making
poor choices.
Today, even in juvenile hall, life is all right because we are
learning that we still have a future. As yourself this: How do
I become a better person? We must keep looking up because
God is seeing us through all of this, even the tears that we cry!
Talk to someone about what you are going through today and I
think you will feel a lot better. I talk to my friend about what I'm
going through being locked up and it really helps. Even when
your P.O. comes up, tell him or her what you are really going
through and the goals that you are setting to better yourself so
you will have a better future. As the holidays approach, just
remember that we still have tomorrow and that's what makes
life all right! Your past doesn't have to be your future!
J
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRB
VOLUME 12.46
r
Twinkles ail Riot leer
A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long
trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with
Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and then he started
his journey.
When he had gone about 6-blocks, he met an old man.
He was sitting in the park just staring at some birds. The
young boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase.
He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he
noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him
a Twinkie.
The old man gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.
His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it
again, so he also offered him a root beer.
Again he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They
both sat there all afternoon eating, drinking and smiling,
but they never once said a word to each other.
As it grew dark, the little boy realized how tired he was
and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a
few yards, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and
gave him a hug. He gave the young boy his biggest smile
ever.
When the boy opened the front door to his house a short
time later, his mom was surprised by the look of great joy
on his face. She asked him, "Son what did you do today that
made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God."
But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know
what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"
Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned
to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on
his face and asked, "Dad, what did you do today to make
you so happy?" He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with
God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You
know, he's much younger than I expected.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a
smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring all of which have the potential
to turn a life around.
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a
lifetime. Embrace all equally! Take a few moments to thank
the people who have touched your life in a special way. Give
them a hug and let them know how important they are.
with God!
yve lunch wi
I
He Keeps The Key
Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.
Is there some door closed by the Father's hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait- for when he shuts the door
He keeps the key.
Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered not as you had thought 't would be?
God will make clear Hid Purpose by-and-by.
He keeps the key.
Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no longer tarrier He,
And of the door of all thy future life
He keeps the key.
Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of every door He keeps the key,
That He at last when just He sees 'tis best,
Will give it thee.
K That He at last when just He sees tis best,
^ Will give it thee.
HERBERT SCHWEIGERT
It is easy to maintain your faith and belief and hope when you are
outside, surrounded by loved ones. But the true test, is can you still
connect with that good feeling when bound by the dehumanizing
walls of this system? Herbert Schweigert does more than pass that
test... in the following writings he shows us what true inspiration
can mean. This is about as much of a holiday moment as we could
hope for.
I recall shaking, unwrapping and rewrapplng gift
packages from all of w/ parent's hiding places
to see If I was getting all the stuff I put down
on wtf list!
A Very Merry Christmas
I am determined this year to have a VERY MERRY
CHRISTMAS! Regardless of my incarcerated
circumstances, I am also determined this year to share
the true spirit of the holiday with as many people as I
can, Jesus! He is the reason for the season.
Sadly my earliest memories of Christmas were
centered on the gifts I'd received. I remember every
year in my youth I was on a secret mission to discover,
hopefully in advance, what I was getting that year. I recall
shaking, unwrapping and rewrapping gift packages from
all of my parents hiding places to see if I was getting all
the stuff I put down on my list! And did a lot of other bad
things too.
But my life of "Christmas Crime" and crime in general
all changed when I finally received Christ Jesus a real
stand up guy as my personal Savior. For the first rime in
my life friends, Jesus became the central figure in my
life during this holiday. Not Santa Claus, not Frosty the
Snowman, not Rudolph or even presents.
Christmas was all about the greatest gift I had
ever received from my heavenly father - A personal
relationship with his son! My friends, the real Christmas
story is an amazing tale of deep and profound love. John
3:16-17 in the Bible states, "For God loved the world so
much that he gave his one and only son, so that everyone
who believes in him will not perish but will have eternal
life. God sent his son into the world not to judge the
world, but to save the world through him."
Jesus' birth is an amazing story of how the Lord
God would bring redemption to us, giving each of us the
right and ability to receive Jesus as our Lord and Savior.
Every year even here in prison, my joy grows as I enter
into the Christmas season. I am no longer bent on trying
to figure out what gifts I am getting for Christmas. I am
now eager to un-wrap the endless riches that accompany
a life surrendered to his Lordship.
My prayer for each of you wherever you are in juvenile,
jail, prison, or at home, that this holiday season is that
you try and stay focused on the gift of a lifetime, Christ
Jesus himself. Enjoy the presents if any, the fruit-cake,
the constant sound of Christmas songs, watching the
latest holiday movie, the games, and whatever else you
do or can do in your circumstances to celebrate. But
remember to tell people about Jesus, what he has done
for you, and how much he means to you - and don't
forget to tell him too!
May His Love overwhelm each of you in the
process!
Lastly, oh, and wish everyone a Merry Christmas!
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
Redemption
i
I
There came a day I lost it all, and couldn't see God's
grace,
What was now gone, tomorrows too, all gone without a
trace.
I never saw it coming, no, I never saw a sign,
Blind, deaf and dumb, I wandered on believing all was
fine.
My wisdom turned to foolishness, my truths all turned
to lies,
The day my light went out in prison, and darkness
covered up my cries.
No one heard, and no one cared, no one even knew,
Time had ceased, all things changed, and nothing
could I do.
What had I done? What was to be? Nightmare or
reality?
I never dreamed that such an animal could become
apart of me.
Endless days, and endless nights, of endless streams
of tears,
In anguish like I'd never known devoured in hellish
fears.
I shook, I quaked, I cried, "Oh, God" for mercy I did
plead,
A word, a touch, a ray of hope I desperately did need.
And then from somewhere, out of sight, a whisper I did
hear,
"Fear not, my lost and lonely child, for I am standing
near."
HERBERT
SCHWEIGERT cont.
A Mother's Love
I grabbed out like a drowning man, and felt His hand
grab mine,
The current raged- it pulled at me but I clung to His
lifeline.
And when at last, He pulled me out, and gave me life
anew,
I found, He had a better life, than anything I knew.
The joy I feel is like a stream, that never will run dry,
The peace I feel within my heart, comes from God on
high.
Redemption is a blessing paid for, by His perfect Son;
I'm so thankful Jesus found me in prison, when I had
^ no place else to run!
Long long ago: or so I have been told,
Two angels once met on streets paved with gold.
"By the stars in your crown," said one to the other
"I see that on earth you too were a mother."
"And by the blue- tinted halo you wear,
You too have see much sorrow and deep despair."
"Ah, yes," she replied, "I once had a son
A sweet little lad, full of much laughter and fun."
"But tell of your child." "Oh, I knew I was blessed
From the moment I first held him to my breast.
And my heart almost burst with great joy of that day."
"Ah, yes," said the other, "I felt the same way."
The former continued, " The first step he took
So eager and breathless- the sweet startled look
Which came over his little face- he trusted me so."
"Ah, yes," sighed the other, "How well so I know!"
"But soon he ha grown to a tall handsome boy
So stalwart and kind- and it gave me such joy
To have him just walk down the street by my side."
"Ah, yes," said the other, "I felt the same pride."
"How often I shielded, and spared him from pain
And when he for others, was so cruelly slain."
"When they crucified him- and they spit in his face,
How gladly I would have, hung there in his place!"
A moment of silence- "Oh, then you are she-
The Mother of Christ Jesus," and she fell to one knee;
But the blessed one raised her up, drawing her near,
And kissed from the cheek of the women, a tear.
"Please tell me the name of the son you loved so,
That I may share with you your grief and your woe."
She lifted her tear stained eyes, looking straight at the other,
"He was Judas Iscariot, I am his mother."
Me And Ynu
Me holding you, and you holding me,
together forever is where we will be.
Me kissing you, and you kissing me,
lips connected together, so tender and sweet.
You, love, and me are three of a kind,
very tight bond together combined.
So, so, so close, just inches away,
just one more inch and forever we stay.
Me and you, you and me together as one,
from morning wake, to the disappearing sun.
Through out the morning, noon and beautiful night,
■ ■ ■ * f* ^M W% ■ #■ Check out this poem by one of our
LIL WnillJ favorite and most loyal writers....
He captures an eternal truth. Every great love story has three great
characters: the two lovers and then the great emotion they share
between the two of them which has a life a story and an energy all its
own. That love is the part that's free, no matter how many walls lie
between the lovers.
No matter what, when, and where, we will forever remain
tight.
Me you, you and me, you and me, me and you,
No matter what the circumstances, weather
Its love, fun, business or just mutual
It's still me and you!
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRB
VOLUME 12.46
I Cry
^
I cry because I don't understand the mentality of our
children today. . . I cry
I cry because I think about the society our children are
growing up in... I cry
I cry when I turn on the news and see what the world has
accepted as our society. . . I cry
I cry when I hear our youth talking about God... I cry
I cry when I see our youth wasting their lives in the
streets... I cry
I cry when I hear out youth talking aback to their parents
and other adults... I cry
I cry when I see and hear discrimination because of race,
gender or beliefs... I cry
I cry when I see our youth hooked on drugs... I cry
I cry when I hear and see [parents give up on their
children... I cry
From The Daddy Who Missed Everything
I have two daughters. They say they look just like me.
Correction, they say they look just like me, but beautiful,
whatever that means. They love to tell me when people
mention that. I don't get jealous because they are supposed
to look better than me. Monique is 19 and Ardrana is three
years younger than her sister.
They are teenagers now. Sometimes that's hard to
believe. It seems like just yesterday that I was making sure
their car seat was properly secured and that I had enough
diapers in the baby-tote-bag.
My younger daughter Ardrana, the older she gets, the
more I realize I'm in trouble again. Just last year I was
comparing her with Olive Oyl, because of her stick-like
frame. Now I can definitely see the outline of a figure, a
small waist, hips, butt and breast. All of the things I hoped
she wouldn't develop are slowly taking form. Somewhere I
can see my ex-girlfriend reading this, laughing to herself
and thinking, yeah Shawn payback is a b--! Ain't it?
My conversations with my younger daughter are a little
stale. They pretty much consist of me telling her, "do good
in school," "Daddy loves you" and "little boys are evil." I
know I should start talking to her as openly as I talk to my
older daughter, but that's my baby girl. I'm not ready for
her to grow up. I mean, can't boy craziness wait? Does she
SHAWN MONTGOMERY
Loving fathers watching a child grow behind bars. Parenting always
means having to watch a beloved baby grow its own will, own ideas,
own mistakes... but its even worse when you're trying to hold on to
a loved one from behind that locked gate - like trying to hold smoke
in your arms. Feel Shawns love - no less strong from being forced
into distance. Then read "I Cry," and you will understand that Shawn
" "lis daughters, he feels for the entire next
generation that his words are reaching out to.
I cry when I hear or see our children killing one another,
and we keep quiet about it... I cry
I cry for the souls of our children... I cry
I cry when I see single Moms raising kids without a father
figure in their lives... I cry
I cry everyday because the dreams, goals and excitement
was violently taken from my friend
Antron-feel good- Barfleld by a coward... I cry
I cry looking at the future of our youth... I cry
have to throw Elmo so soon? I know I'm fighting a losing
battle; but surrendering to Father Time is not an option,
not yet anyway.
Maybe it's the guilt I feel from not being there for my
kids during their formative years. Something inside me
wants to slow the clock down in an attempt to make up for
all the time I've lost being incarcerated. All of their birthday
parties, step shows, Christmas mornings; I'll never be able
to get these moments back.
It reminds me of what my daughters told me during a
visit, "Daddy you missed everything." The confirmation of
their words made the point hit home even harder.
The sad part about it is that I'm not alone in my absence.
There are a number of fathers, without the excuse of being
incarcerated, who are non-existent in their children's
lives. They let things like their jobs, the street and women
sidetrack them from spending time with the people that
matter the most; the little guys and girls who look just like
them and share their last name. I know because, like them,
I also took for granted the idea that I'd always have time to
spend with my children.
Now, as I watch my seed to sprout from a distance, I
wonder where the time went. That is why it is important
to show love and affection to your offspring whenever you
have t he opportunity.
A Thought For Today
Today I sit and look at my life up to this point. I look at the
highs and the lows, the joy and laughter as well as the pain;
the tears, which were shed when I was born, and the tears,
which cried out when I was given a sentence of 33 years to
life. None of these things can I change, nor can I rectify.
Friendship was once a gift that I gave freely, and those who
I gave this gift were the ones who betrayed me the most.
Love, there can never be such a thing, considering all of
BRIAN K. STAFFORD ...T. - -.
Brian If. Stafford who writes us the following reflective pieces from
Corcoran State Prison.
Love,
those who claimed to be loyal. Where are they now?
Hate, what does it mean? I harbor none, for I can only hate
when I am the object of attention.
Today these things went through my mind as I drifted off
into a light sleep. I can't explain why, yet it is the answer
that I seek....
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRB
VOLUME 12.46
Lost One
Born two weeks early
Premature into this life
At the time I didn't know
This was the start of struggle and
strife
A broken home can't describe it
Was never a home to start with
Mom and Dad living together
They just couldn't handle it
The streets called from a young age
The draw attracted me
I knew it was out there
And I couldn't wait to see
Crawling out my window
Up and over the back fence
Off into the night
Of alley culture and suspense
Neon lights shine
Bag ladies with no teeth
Calling me honey
Plotting on how to get me
Walking zombies
Left over from the crack age
Midwest girls turned hookers
Lost on the city stage
Teen runaways are my kin
Tent cities in the park
Gutter life had me addicted
From the very start
Sneak back home with the sunrise
School starts at eight
Coming home at all will end soon
You can't make this crooked life
straight
One day I'm gone for good
I can hear the hurt in my mom's
holler
The next bath I get
Will be in some massage parlor
Money's not a problem
You take whatever you need
16 years old and I'm living
At life's highest speed
Caught up in a rut
At such a young age
When I eventually do sleep
I'm kept warm by a sports page
New kids come
Jus as quick as they go
Living lost, caught in the ebb
Of life's ruthless flow
We all use drugs
Whatever high we can get
Lost in the hustle
Trapped in the street life's net
Friends don't last long
Jt M ^ HI! ^ V E%#B n ^% ™ s piece is f rom Adam Azevedo who
w\MJw\Xwm MmEYEI/v writes in from San Quentin Reception Center
where he's been for 10 months, still waiting to be sent to the prison where he will serve his
time.
Together one day, the next we are
partin'
Just yesterday
I saw my best friend on a milk carton
His family loves him
And they'll never stop the search
We don't want to be found
For them, that's what really hurts
We could have been anything
Gone to college and had fun
Some wanted to be all-stars
I guess I just wanted to be a bum
Begging for quarters
For just a bite to eat
In the rain who needs shelter
I'll just skip another night's sleep
Some sell their bodies
But all have sold their soul
Searching for a life's dream
A family, to be made whole
One day I see a family
Both parents and all
Knowing I can have a home too
With just one humbling call
Maybe I'll call Mom
With my very last quarter
I walk to the phone booth
Only to find it out of order
I guess it's a sign
I fall asleep in a bus stop
Left alone by the tourists
Awoken by a street cop
"Keep it movin' kid
You can't sleep here!"
I spin off down the street
To go steal me a beer
1 drink the beer down
In an alley behind a strip club
Just another example
Of money being life's true love
A girl gets off early
Asks me to walk her home
It's dangerous in these streets
For a pretty girl all alone
We walk through the fog
My empty stomach makes this walk
seem long
Other kids our age in a limo
Pass by on their way to their prom
What could have been
Was lost in the street scene
2 kids seem so old
To be only sixteen
I'll sleep in a bed tonight
The first time in 9 weeks
But this girl doesn't sleep
She's skinny because she tweeks
She offers me some dope
Party for my birthday
I almost forgot
I'm 17 now but who cares anyway
She passes the needle
I've never tried this before
The high is euphoric
I won't be the same anymore
We use into the morning
I'm lost in a haze
Who knows?
Maybe this will be the first of many
better days
I start to remember home
Mom's cooking that green bean pie
Birthday cake and presents
Seem to have just floated by
Birthday parties and video games
Friends in the backyard
Who would have thought
I'd choose a life so hard
At least she's got my little brother
Maybe he'll make her proud
He was always a good kid
Runs with a good crowd
They probably don't miss me
Life gets busy enough
Besides it was always my fault
Whenever their life got rough
But now that's past
Keep my mind on my next meal
Will I be able to beg
Or will I have to go and steal
On my way to the store
My stripper friend comes to my side
She's been sobbing and crying
She looks broken inside
I ask her what's wrong
She says it's hard to explain
I tell her "let it out"
I would probably feel the same
She cries and says she's just left the
clinic
I feel her pain and see she's afraid
She says she got tested
And just found out she's got AIDS
To be continued
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
Song Of Sorrow
The Beat plays on.
Sweet melody that pulls my heart strings. Invoking
a melee of profound thoughts and tangents.
The horror of love lost- disrespected emotions,
twisted, tortures soul.
Eyes full of bitter tears and bitten back words that
were swallowed like poison.
Forgotten memories found only through oain, now
cherished and coveted.
This is my song of sorrows.
RUBERT LAvEf body, you can lock up
a future, you can lock up assets. But can you lock up a man's voice?
Robert Lacey says no. Lacey uses his voice to share his pain, his love,
and his beautiful "Song of Sorrows" with The Beat Within and its
readers, and even though he sings of sorrov "
his openness of heart lift us up with joy. Read on to see why.
Poetry In Motion
Smoke filled room with swirling over head fan. The clink
of frozen water in my glass. I sit, and watch as the brite
spot light settles on the lone figure on stage.
She sits, on redwood stroll, reciting her love into
leaning mic stand. My eyes play across her youthful
face, skin unblemished, yet mature and sexy. This
liquid pools of brown that are her eyes. The arch lips,
the flashes of white teeth, as her poetry is set free to
mingle in my mind.
So beautiful, o delicate, the cadence of her voice and
flow holds me spell bound. Her eyes scan the crowded
tables, finally to rest upon me. I smile, a smile from my
heart to convey the thought, I'm feeling you. Her flow
falters yet only I hear, that unperceptible change in
pitch, that recognition of love seeking love. And in that
instant, in a smoke filled room love found love, through
poetry in motion.
At the end of her verses she stood amongst the snaps
of fingers and heart felt praise. I stood on shaking legs
and prideful chest. My mind playing the phrase poetry
in motion. You see I love that women and the way her
words echo in my brain yes I love that women filled with
passion love and pain.
My Voice
Today I found my voice among the multitudes. Rising,
ringing its unique cadence to the masses.
Troubled waters, reflecting the turmoil of a seeking
soul, tossed to and pro in its search for home, for
something greater than it's self. Reaching for a higher
plateau of understanding of self and the plane it
inhabits.
Bound by the flesh, yet still shinning exquisite in
its metamorphosis. It's many facets still reflecting
experiences and learned lessons, shared easily and
freely.
I watch in rapt fascination, unable to feel anything
but bursting admiration, a sense or awe at sharing in
it's sharing, and knowing that, I too shall soon become
something more than the sun of my parts.
^ passion love and pain.
i
Through The Pain
Again I open the pages of memory and thought, in order
to bring my emotional keys to bare against your heart.
I struggle to find the right combination to open your
soul. Though we are kindred in spirit, your resistance is
testament of painful past; of unsuccessful love.
You were your heartache like battle gear. Your
compassion like a blunted sword. Your heart frozen
behind a steel veneer of mistrust and cynical thoughts.
Your wit has crushed lesser men, but I see your soul
trapped, yearning for release. Your passion, still burning
within the ice of your pain.
I seek only your freedom.
To Whom It May Concern
RAY SANCHEZ JR.
Do you you know what it is to be a sav? Is it not givin' a ...?
Smashin' at all costs? What? I thought that's what it do.
Now, I'm not so sure. I've changed quite a bit from the
person I was on the streets. I no longer bang, smash for a
number or color, use drugs, or act like a bully. I try not judge
others- though it's hard sometimes- based on where they lived
or who they associated with. I don't see every small slight as
disrespect to be handled with force. I've always considered
myself a family man ( good father, attentive husband) and an
emotionally invested in my relationship. It was my reason for
doing good, coming home, changing all my old patterns.
Well, my relationship is deteriorating. I can't give her
the physical attention she needs, and she won't give me the
affection I crave. No letters, no reassurance of love, no attempt
to go the extra mile to show me we are in love, nothing. I'm
not content with a visit once a month alone. I'm not a back up
plan, nor there just when it's convenient for her, no matter how
much she professes she loves me at our visits.
I simply refuse to believe someone who loves me can't
spend .41 cent on a stamp and 15 minutes on a letter once a
month. Am I not worth that much? So, it's over. And with it, my
motivation for going home. Ever. Why should I overlook those
who step on my toes now? What's there for me on the street
that I should overlook debts owed to me and allow people to
that I
heart from the mighty Ray Sanchez.... After you read this truth-telling
powerhouse of a piece, tell us whether or not you think you are a
true "Sav" according to the way Ray brilliantly redefines it. 'To Whom
it May Concern" he says. Does it concern you? Thanks Ray! We miss
hearing from you ©I" friend!
take advantage of my kindness?
It's easy to revert back to a thuggish attitude. To keep my
heart calloused and shove people away, not allowing anyone
to get close enough to hurt me again. Why not be feared and
respected in prison? I'm a lifer anyway right? Shouldn't I just
"sav it out"? What can you do to one who has nothing to lose?
Might as well give up and give in to a gangsta mentality, right?
Actually... to me, that's not a savage; that's a coward. It
has taken this to waken me up to it. Giving up and giving in
is simply quitting. Hiding from life and all its risks. Lacking
the courage to do what is right. That's the very definition of
cowardism. And I am no coward. A sav is one who strives, even
when there is no reason to keep struggling on. Someone who
refuses to give up. I refuse to give up. I refuse to break or be
conquered by this prison, my misfortunes, or my heart. No
matter how much I want to - and God knows I want to - 1 refuse
to quit on life, on love. I'm going home one day. Whether it be
18 years from now, or 35, I will go home. And when I do, I'll
shine. That's a sav.
I
^TU^Btat WJ&out
THEBEATW TH N.DRG
VOLUME 12.46
Your Love Was My Escape
Lost in love with you. You are my only escape out all this
pain and misery amongst lives greatest doubt.
By abandoning myself, I've given you all of me to hold,
prisoner, captive in chains, or as a dove set free.
Searching for an escape, I'm convinced you're my only
hope.
An escape out this evil, I can no longer cope. Though,
your love and heart proclaim neither belongs to me,
How compelling would your words have been and set free.
By yielding all of me, I've yielded the power to destroy.
For amongst your love would have escaped your baby boy.
My need for you to say don't go and you love me,
Went unnoticed, for you didn't and I went and now am
unable to flee.
Lying here I realize love has the power to rescue or
destroy.
For I yearned for you to rescue a now forgotten baby boy.
mm
Wild Horse
If I could be an animal I'll be a wild horse,
Lost in the wild, free from life's tragic remorse.
Running alongside the wind, my soul would be free,
No more chains of captivity, only the wild and me.
Amongst nature I'd run and play all day,
Under the sun and moon which in time fade away,
No more tears, no more fear, amongst my face and
heart.
Welcome joy, welcome happiness, please never part,
Playing in the wild, journeying on lives beautiful
course,
If I could be an animal, I would be a wild horse.
11 1 c<
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Soars of Reality
The time I've wasted is my biggest regret, s
pent in these places I'll never forget. . .
Just sitting and thinking of the things I've done,
the crying, the laughing, the hurt and the fun...
Now it's just me and my hard driven guilt,
behind a wall of emptiness I allowed to be built...
Trapped in my body just wanting to run,
back to my youth with it's laughter and fun...
The chase is over there's no place to hide,
everything is gone including my pride...
With reality right in my face,
playin with guns is a whole new case...
Now memories of the past flash through my head,
and the pain is obvious by the tears I shed...
I ask myself why and where I went wrong,
I guess I was weak
CLARENCE REESE Z^JZL.
writing from the California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi,
CA, blows us away with a short, but tremendous poem titled, "Wild
Horse." We thought it was tremendous because with each line we could
picture a horse running wild and being free to do whatever it pleases.
And to be all the way honest, we found ourselves wanting to be wild
horses too, but only after reading. This is the mark of a very fine
writer because he not only shared something with us from his thought
process, but he also put us in the exact same place he was in when he
was having these thoughts. He ends one of his two remarkable poems
by saying that inside him is a "now forgotten baby boy." But in the
poem he brings that boy, and that boys tears and hope, back to speak
in a voice we can't ignore. If a life lives only in a poem, does that make
it any less alive? We recognize his extraordinary writing talent and
we know you will too.
Tree Wisdom I'll Forever Hold
I've fumbled and stumbled along this road
Held lives flame for warmth, yet remained cold.
My destiny was written before my birth,
No audition for this part, just part on earth
Many wasted talents left behind this bitter taste
A tread of love, pain and misery embraced.
What creator creates a misleading way?
The soil nurtures the seed that's pedals the wind casts
away.
Fighting invisible forces that always win,
Captivates the should no longer determined to begin
Branded rebel is the intellectual or common sense
fighter
No longer blinded or easily manipulated his ways are
brighter
What form of death welcomes no soul?
Live for the moment for the next who may know.
Mental prisons constantly built, you choose to enter
Chains remain physical for the strong mental
contender,
Minds penetrate walls; they're the key to heaven
He, who limits, passes no clouds or stars to reach
heaven
Cries of weakness is another's laughter and pride
The misinturpitation of weakness devastates the pride
I've fumbled and stumbled along this road
Now true wisdom I'll forever hold.
■ a nil ec n ai#i c Wel1 let our ,oval reader
i##%lwlE«9 l#^%lrl^ James Davis speak for
himself. To you young writers who give us your best in workshop...
hearts and souls in our pages, there are readers like James who
feel your hearts beat and then feel their own hearts beat to your
rhythm.
When I should of been strong...
I pretended to be rugged, so fast and so cool,
actually I was lost like an ol' blinded fool...
I'm growing out of this tiresome game,
of acting real hard with no sense of shame...
What the future holds I don't really know,
but the years I've wasted are starting to show. . .
I just live for the day when I'll get a new start,
and the dreams I still hold deep in my heart. . .
I hope I can make it, I at least have to try,
'cause I'm heading toward death and I don't want to die!
^Poyo it^ocxj-iouc^
— PIECES OF THE WEEK THROWBAGKS • VOLUME 12.40 • PAGE 34 —
From The Beat: The following POW Throwbaclcs are taken from our
website from over the years. Enjoy!
Reflection #0 by Vincent, posted Nov 30, 2005
Saturday, September 10, 2005 — Music, I love music, R and B
mostly, filled to the top with expression in song! The first time I
noticed how much I liked music, I must have been like seven or
eight years old.
I remember, it was the day after the Notorious BIG had been
shot. My foster sister, Maria, didn't like his music, so when
she heard he had been killed, she put on some R and B. I can't
remember exactly what song it was, but I can remember standing at
the bottom of the steps, listening. The words floated down and met
my ears, making me pause from playing on the phone.
Then as I got older, I got my own radio. I would listen to Black
Street, Darnell Jones and Dru Hill. The words to these songs
touched me in some type f way. I would sit by my radio for hours
and listen to the same CD until I learned every song on the album.
When I was a St. Vincent's, I began trying to sing. People would
tell me, "Vincent, you can sing!" I never really believed them. Then
I found myself at a group home called "Starlight" in San Jose. The
group home was co-ed and had a school, pool, gym and field. It was
sort of like St. Vincent's, only without the horses and open land
around it.
At Starlight there were always programs to attend. As soon as
I was moved from Juvenile Hall to Starlight, that very same day, I
was asked what I liked to do. I told them I liked to sing and to write.
I was told that there was a talent show happening, and I was asked
if I wanted to be in it. Hell yeah, I wanted to be in the talent show!
There was a kid there who had some CD's and a little portable
CD player which he let me use. The song was by Tupac and Jon B.
— "Baby, Are You Still Down?" I practiced for two weeks, making
sure I had all of the words right and was on beat. I had to make a
good impression! Slowly the day of the talent show drew nearer,
and I grew nervous. I had never sung in front of a whole bunch of
people I didn't know. Plus, there would be girls there listening. I
was really nervous!
The day came, and all of the staff, kids and workers from
Starlight, filled the cafeteria, plus some families of others who
were performing in the show as well. I sat in the back of the room
and watched, as one by one, kids got up on the makeshift stage to
sing or to rap their hearts out. That day I wore a brand new pair
of Sean John jeans with bleached patches and a matching shirt, a
pair of wing tips graced my feet, and my hair was freshly cut, lined
and waved. I was looking the part! Now all I had to do was play the
part.
When my name was called, I didn't hear it! My mind had floated
away, and when they called me by my middle name, I didn't even
hear it. Somebody nudged me, "Hey! They called you!" I stood up,
slowly walked to the front, handed the DJ my CD with the beat to
the song, and took the mic'. The beat started, and I looked at the
sea of faces before me. I couldn't do it! "Go, Ray!" said a girl named
Lydia who I was talking to — what was I going to do? I couldn't just
stand there and look at these people looking at me!
So, I turned around, turned my back to them all. The base
line dropped: "Left once again at home ... another night on your
own ... ain't no fun in lovin' if you do it alone ...." Slowly I turned
back around. My eyes closed. "Girl, it's all right ...." I was already
halfway through the song when I opened my eyes. The first face
I saw was Lydia's; he mouth hung wide open, just like everyone
else's! I smiled and continued to sing: "Girl, it's all riiiight, baby
yeah." As I ended and the beat died, the cafeteria erupted into
applause! Everybody was on their feet! I felt so good that day.
"Boy! You need to be out there making records with that
voice!" said a parent as I walked back to my seat. Everyone wanted
to know how I learned to sing so well. I couldn't tell them. I guess
I learned just by listening and singing all the songs I listened to. I
knew I could sin, but not that well. I mean that day I knew I really
had — have — a talent for singing.
I started singing more, and, since I love writing, I wrote some
song lyrics. I wrote a couple of songs and sent them out to music
labels even though I didn't really expect anything to come of it.
You couldn't even imagine how I felt when a year and a half later, I
received that letter in the mail! I sat in my cell on August fifteenth,
reading a book, when I heard something getting pushed under
the door. I looked down to see an envelope with my name on it.
Thinking it was a letter from my mom or one of my girlfriends, I got
up slowly, marked my page, stretched and picked up the letter off
the floor.
First I looked at the address. "Who is this?" I asked myself
out loud while studying the postmark on the envelope. I opened
the envelope gingerly so as not to rip it nor the letter inside. As I
pulled the letter out and unfolded it, I could feel my eyes grow big:
"Special Recording Contract of the Month," it read at the top of the
page in bold letters! Slowly I read the letter, not just reading but
absorbing each word. "We'd like to get you into the studio, free of
cost ...."
I finished the letter and couldn't help but jump for joy! "Yeeahh!
Hey yeah! Wowww!" I yelled as I danced around my cell! The letter
had noted that if I did not contact the people at the studio (Edlee
Studios, to be exact), that my file would be terminated after three
weeks. Now I knew there was no way I was going to Florida to
record an album, but I had accomplished something nevertheless!
Somebody in the industry had read my writing and wanted to help
me join the music scene!
I was not upset about not getting into the studio — I was
happy, so very happy. Down the line, one day I could say, "I do
write music and am known!" I just sat there in my cell, reading
the letter over and over again. I gave a copy to my lawyer to show
to the judge and to the district attorney. When I went to court, the
judge and the DA saw the deal written out in black and white. I had
talent, the revelation of which (along with my many publications
in The Beat Within, as well as the story I've already related about
what happened to me, more than once, in the "care" of the system)
weighed heavily in the DA's decision to pull the legal motion to
charge me as an adult! I love music, to say the least!
I called Sayida. She is really playing games, but we talked and
she seems like she is at least ready to give a playa a chance. In
other news, Juvenile is quieter than usual. There are only four
people in "Boys' Control". It's deserted down here. It's feels like all
my peers are gone, which underscores my feeling that it is really
time for me to leave this place! I am the last of the 2000 crew! After
I leave here there will be a whole new crew — and they don't have
any idea of what is in the future if they keep on messing up (like I
did)!
A new Alameda County Juvenile Hall facility is being built, and
it will be much different from this one. There won't be any acting
out or fighting — they say the new Juvenile Hall is supposed to be
like Santa Rita. I just hope that at some point these youngsters
cans top messing up the way they keep doing, because the way the
system is starting to tighten up, it's all bad!
Oh, Moms is really eager for me to get out. I can't wait to see
and feel what family life will be like on the outs living with my
mom! I never thought I would be this close to my mother — she was
always so distant, but now she is right here for me! I am always so
happy to see her smiling face during visiting time. She was in such
a good mood today, a very good mood. I also spoke with Cassandra,
but then the scan went off. We were having a civilized conversation
one minute, then the next, I was being pushed off the phone!
I hate this place so much! This was never a place for me, but
I allowed myself to get sucked into the system — this crazy cold-
hearted system that preys on young minorities! I hate it so much!
The public defenders are corrupt, and so are the police. I wouldn't
be surprised if the judge had a part to play in all that happens:
Innocent people end up in prison for twenty and thirty years
because of a crime they are merely suspected of doing! Families
are torn apart!
Wow! I have so much on my mind right now — like, George
W. Bush! What is wrong with that man? Does he even understand
how much he is effing up? All of the people that have died because
of what he, and only he, believes! He needs to feel war, real war,
up close and personal — like the war people face everyday when
they wake up in Oakland! The war that is being fought on our own
doorsteps! A war where it's everybody against everybody else! A
fight for survival "of the fittest" in the streets where drugs, money,
sex and violence rule!
There are no rules to the war in the streets — it's all or nothing!
I VOWTl-vou^U^
— PIECES OF THE WEEK THRIWBACKS • VIIUME 12.46 • PAGE 39 —
People turn up dead almost every other day! Little children caught
by stray bullets! Mothers scorned! Fathers on crack and daughters
selling their bodies for men who don't even respect themselves!
Sons who are trying to feed their families the best way they know
how, not knowing that his every move is being watched until the
moment when they (the "system") put him in hail and he becomes
yet another number, another source of dollars to those who run the
prisons.
I have seen mothers cry because their sons or daughters fell
victim to a society built against them. I've seen people shot and the
gunmen just walk away like nothing ever happened! Seen people no
older than fifteen beaten because they didn't give the right amount
of money back to whoever it is they were selling for! Seen young
women walk the street at night when they should be at home ding
homework or talking on the phone to a friend about work, school,
boys, etc.
Bush has seen none of this — all he knows is what he hears
from his advisors. As a result he doesn't know anything about our
reality. He thinks he knows everything but he doesn't anything
about the war zone I live in, grew up in, twenty-four/seven. And like
on nine/eleven, he can run away and hide whenever something goes
wrong in his protected world. If somebody were to try to shoot him,
he is well-protected at all a times. If somebody tries to shoot me,
it's either I allow my life to be taken or I choose to be the one to
take a life!
Survival is the name of the game, I guess, and Bush is like the
one pawn that always stood in the background until the board was
clear enough for him to stroll down and become the most powerful
piece playing. He may be queen for a day, but at the end of the
game, everyone has to pay. And when he faces his Maker, what will
he say? Before the throne of God — lies don't play!hem home. That
will hurt anyone!
Life Of SI Teei) by D-Frank, posted Aug 09, 2004
It was hot outside. Summer was finally here. All year, working away
in those classrooms, finding job after job, stressing over all of life's
little extras: How would I pay for the senior trip? How much money
was in my pocket? Where was my girlfriend? — normal things that
we all worry about on a day-to-day basis.
But everything seemed to be getting better. It was early May,
and I was ready for summer to start. Summer has always been my
favorite time of the year, next to Christmas. Anyways, this summer
would be great! It was my last summer before I would be a senior
in high school. On top of all this, I was ready to become an adult; I
was going to be eighteen in June.
I wasn't practicing with the football team this year, due to my
back — I had fractured my spine during my JV season. So, pretty
much, I would have a lot of time on my hands to make money,
and, even better, to spend it. Yet I was disappointed when I knew
football had fallen out of the picture. I always thought I would go
somewhere with that.
All right, back to what I was saying. This summer was looking
good. My parents had finally gotten off my back about working, due
to the fact that Applebee's Restaurant hired me as a server. So, I
was set: great girlfriend, good job, ready to turn eighteen.
Then, right when it all was feeling right, everything collapsed
on me all at once. It was the weekend before school got out, and it
was probably the biggest party of the year. I saw all my friends, and
people I hadn't talked to in years.
I really just thought of having a good time that night, so I did.
And, being there at the party, I drank. Harmless, fun night; just
normal kids getting ready for summer, celebrating the end of the
school year. And, hell — with the success I had been having lately,
I thought I deserved it.
Well, the night went quick, and it was time to leave. I had
already downed my last drink several hours before, and I thought I
was fine to drive. So, I drove some friends home, and didn't get into
trouble doing it. Then I arrived at the house of one of my friends,
and he was insisting on going back: "There were still so many
people there! Why not just hang out a little longer?"
I kept resisting, saying that I was low on gas; I was tired; I just
wanted to go home. But none of these things mattered to them. In
truth, I really just didn't want to drive and risk getting caught up.
And they kept on: "We'll give you gas money. You'll be home in a
little while, don't trip. What's one more hour?" Eventually, I gave in
and decided to take them back.
Well, we got within one hundred yards of the party, and there
had been a car accident. The roads were blocked, and it wasn't like
there was another way in. We were pretty deep in the country, and
this was the only road going there.
We stopped and looked to see what had happened. It wasn't
nobody we knew, so I turned around and started driving back. As
I pulled out, my friends were laughing and shouting at the people
who crashed — stuff like, "Dumb ass!" And "Learn how to drive!"
But I paid no attention. I was ready to go home.
One of my friend's older brother, was behind us on the way
back. He had just left and wanted to follow me, for directions. Well,
he began to flash his brights and sped up behind me. Of course, he
was just messing around, but it was kind of nerve-racking at the
time. Then my friends in the car started shouting, "Lose him! Step
on it!"
I started going faster. And that's when it happened. I saw a car
turning in front of me, and there was no stopping what was about
to happen — I was going to crash!
It all happened so quick, but when it was over, all I heard were
the voices of my friends yelling at me, not mad but scared. What
were they supposed to think?
The only thing I could think of, was to check on the other
driver. I was not expecting what would happen next. He wasn't
awake.
That's when I felt it hit me, about the worst pain in my life —
not physical. My mind had been put in a blender and switched to
liquefy! And I began to panic, not knowing what to do but to help
this young man out of his car.
I picked him up in my arms and carried him to the sidewalk.
People were standing all around me, cars pulling over to see what
happened. I asked for a phone, and I called 911 for help.
It has now been almost three months, and I'm still locked up.
But before you go on reading the rest of my story, I want you to stop
and think for a moment, really think.
Ask yourself: How long does it take you to make a choice that
can change your life forever? I'm not going to preach to you about
doing the right thing. No, that's not going to help. And I know that
most of you reading this story, probably don't think twice before
some of the decisions you make.
I'm guessing that most of you would have told me to run. Well,
that's not who I am. I won't run from my problems. I would stand
face to face with the devil if I had to, and wouldn't give up faith!
Because faith is all I have right now. I lost that job. I left my
girlfriend. I messed up my family. I lost my license. And someone
is in a coma. How long did it take? — About ten seconds, when I
decided to get in my car.
But no matter how long I'm here or how badly I'm treated, there
is one thing that nobody can take from you — your faith! Today I'm
sitting in my bed at Camp Sweeney, looking at life from a different
angle.
We, as teens, do not value our lives as we should, because we
live for the moment, on the edge of our seats. We should all try to
make the best of our lives. You never know when it is your turn to
die.
I'm grateful to be alive, to be here at Camp, to know what I
know, and to have seen what I've seen. But you see, that night,
I didn't get lucky — no, there is a reason I'm not dead. I was put
in that car and was meant to be at that intersection at that time.
God has very weird ways of telling us things. Sometimes we don't
recognize them as signs, mistaking them more or less as just bad
luck.
My life was looking good from my point of view, not His. I was
living in the fast lane and running with it. I didn't care what people
told me. I was stubborn and didn't like to listen. Now I sit here,
telling you to listen up! It's almost funny how fast we can flip the
script.
I just want you to be thankful for everything, even if you're
locked up — the shitty food, the hard beds, the same old clothes,
everything. Because it is all happening to you for a reason, believe
it or not!
I wish all of you who have read this, good luck in whatever life
has to give you. And to all of you readers and writers of The Beat
Within, hold on to your faith — one day we'll all be free!
^Poyo it^ocxj-iouc^
— PIECES OF THE WEEK THROWBAGKS • VOLUME 12.40 • PAGE 30 —
M]f Lif 6 StOr]f by Lil' Chris, posted Feb 23, 2DD5
Well, hello again Beat and Beat Readers. As you know, it is Lil'
Chris from San Leandro. Just going to drop a few lines out
there to tell you my whole life story or should I say almost my
whole life story.
Well this is my life and how it began. My mother and my
dumb stupid ass father made love, or should I say they just
had sex. Because I find it hard to believe that my mother really
loved his lowlife dumb ass in the first place. But anyways, they
had sex and my dad's sperm broke its way into my mom's egg
and which later on formed me, Lil' Chris. About 9 months later,
my mother was laying in San Leandro Hospital screaming her
guts out having me. Eventually I popped out of my mom's belly.
And I came out screaming and hollering, I was all bloody and
shhh.
But the day I was born, August 28, 1988, I didn't know I
was going to live a living nightmare. Well at the age of one I
was living in San Leandro. I really don't remember where... By
the age of three I moved to San Lorenzo with my loving caring
joyful great grandma which became my mom or should I say my
real mom. The mom my mom should have been to me besides
going to jail and running for drugs. Oh yeah by the way my dad
was in jail at this time too.
But by the age of four I was still living with my great grandma
Nan, aka Elsie M. Thompson. Sorry for not explaining: Through
the whole year I can't remember the stuff I did when I was one
to four. But at the age of five years old I could remember I was
in my rolling rocker, the ones you sit in and your feet touch
the ground so you could roll around. Well anyways, I was a
bad little boy and I liked to roll really fast and ram right into
things. I don't know why, probably because of lack of attention
from my real mom. Don't get me wrong; I always had a lot of
attention from my grandma Nan. Or should I say my real mom
Nan. Well one day when I was five years old I was rolling my
rocker really fast and went straight off the garage steps. It was
only three steps but I landed straight on my head. Oh yeah,
I remember that like it was yesterday. That is all I remember
doing at the age of five.
At the age of six I was still living with my grandma Nan.
I remember we did not have food to eat every day, but at the
times we did have food it was because my loving Grandma Nan
had to call the church for some food. It was called a food box.
And on Christmas and Thanksgivings my grandma Nan always
made miracles. When I was little, I used to think, how did my
grandma get all these presents for us. But now I know she used
to call the church and the church gave us presents. But to me
all the presents were from my grandma because if she did not
care about us she would of never called the church so we could
have a good Christmas or Thanksgiving. Well let me get back on
track.
Well, one of the things I remember when I was six I used
to put nails behind people's tires so they would get flat. And
one other thing is I used to put potatoes in people's mufflers
so when they would drive off it would shoot out and hit the
car parked behind it. Ha, ha, ha. That's not all. I used to throw
rocks at cars on the freeway. I thought that was the funniest
when I was six.
But by the time I was seven, I did much worser things that
I thought was fun. But I ain't going to get into that because that
would be giving you guys too much information. But I could
tell you a couple of things I did: At the age of seven was when I
first got suspended from school. What for? For bringing a knife
to school and pointing it at somebody. That was the first time I
got suspended. Let me think of some other things I did when I
was seven. Um, oh yeah -- at seven I crashed my "first" car. Well
I know what you are thinking: How did you reach the pedals at
the age of seven? Well, let me tell you. My lowlife dad used to sit
me on his lap and he would control the steering wheel. Well let
me make a long story short, and tell you how it happened. I was
on his lap, and he started to yell at me and I was getting scared.
So he started to speed the car up a little so I got scared and
turned the car wheel and we crashed right into a wooden fence.
And guess what? I got the beatin' of my life. I could remember
that like it was yesterday. But I could tell you one thing. I bet
his punk ass won't put his hands on me now and I'll bet ya.
I could go on and on and on about what I did when I was
seven, so I am going to cut seven short and go to age eight.
Where should I start? Well at the age of eight I was still living
with my loving Grandma Nan, but yes like always one of my
parents was in jail. And the other one was chasin' drugs. And
yes we were still hungry getting supported by the church. And
we still had poor clothes and shoes. Some of my shoes had
holes at the bottom. And our house was dirty because my
grandma was getting too old to watch all five of us. Well let me
stop this because I could go on forever about the conditions I
was living in. But anyways like I said, at the age of eight, was
when I first got expelled from school.
Do you know how it feels to be expelled from school in the
third grade?
I got expelled for the same thing I got suspended for the
first time I got suspended. I brung a knife to school and pointed
it at a girl in the fifth grade and told her to get in the boys
bathroom. I am going to stop there for right now. Well I did
not only get expelled from school but from all the San Lorenzo
Unified Schools. They made me go to school in San Leandro.
And one more thing I did when I was eight was, I started a big
fire, bur I am afraid I can't tell you where or when, but I did.
That's all I am going to tell you about me and my bad days when
I was eight. So let me go on to nine. Well this is the age I got
caught up in the system. So listen closely, OK?
I had a best friend named Steven. Steven was about 14
years old at the time. So me and my best friend Steven started
to do some of the things my big brother was doing. We was
getting pretty good at it, till I caught my first case.
Now I was only nine years old, getting charged with strong-
armed robbery and possession of five stolen firearms. Well
when I got caught up they sent me straight up to Juvenile Hall.
Which when I got there I did not know I was going to come back
12 more times.
Well when I did come here for my first case I ended up
staying about ten to eleven months I had my tenth birthday
in here, but what I did not know was that I was going to spend
four more days in here later on in the future. Well, I ended up
getting out on EM, after a long ten months in Unit 1.
I was only ten years old, so after approximately a week and
two days on EM, I caught my second case: a house robbery
and a violation of probation. So at the beginning of ten I was
on the way back to 2200 Fairmont Drive, Juvenile Hall where I
presently sit right now.
Well I was fighting my case in the Hall, doing nothing but
dead time. I ended up staying in the Hall for another eight and
a half months, which made me have my eleventh birthday in
this messed ass place. Well after they figured out what they
were going to do with me, I ended up going to a foster home
which was not a very bright idea. Well the foster people ended
up getting beat the hell up by my big brother and I ended up on
the run for the first time in my life. Well, I remember I was not
on the run for very long before I got caught up. Well at least I
got to have my twelfth birthday on the outs for real.
Well at the age of twelve years old I was still sitting in the
Hall too. They found out what they were going to do with me.
Well they ended up putting me in a group home, which was
again, a bad idea.
Oh yes, I think so....
Sorry Beat readers, I got to cut this short for right now
because I ain't got enough time and enough paper so please
look for part two of "Thug Life" story in the following week's
Beats. Well this is Lil' Chris from San Leandro. I'm goin' to be
letting you go till pencil meets paper.
Much love and respect Beat and Beat readers, that is real.
I would like to give a shout out to my homie and friend Arlene
Mitri, who works at The Beat, much love to you girl and thanks
for the books, I'll holla.
Thug's Life Part One is dedicated to my dead grandma
Nan aka Elsie M. Thompson, my real mom. You're never
forgotten...
^oyj\t i v(>uj-iouc.ks>>
— PIECES OF THE WEEK IHROWBAGKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 37 —
What My Life Is All About by jose, posted jui ob, 2005
This is a part of my life. Even at sunrise, I turn on the TV
and I watch the news. I see how police pick up another
injured body. No one has a clue about how I've been
feeling during these past couple of years.
The memory is still fresh in my head. I have not
been able to forget that scene, in which, on that fateful
morning, I discovered my mother dead on the floor and
how her clothes were full of blood and how I knew she
was not getting back up ever again. You have no idea how
it feels like to lose your mother. I can't even write how
I feel on paper. I wish I could go back in time to the day
when I was born so I can leave behind all the bad things
that I've experienced in my life.
Oh how I would love to laugh, cry, and sing for the
world so I can forget about my situation. I would cut
school because I didn't have any friends because I hated
everyone. As I walk down the streets with my headphones
pressed to my ears, listening to black people rap, I carry
my weapon by my side at all times.
Some thought I was crazy and others would laugh at
me. By mouth, it appeared that I had failed my mother. It
is very sad what takes place in between shots behind the
gun smoke and people walking around always armed,
disdainfully firing shots in alleyways. Why are we killing
each other over bills on which it is inscribed, "In God
we trust?" My money on my mind and my mind on my
money. Why forget about who one is over money? Why
does one have so many friends when one has money?
Why do you all of a sudden have so many enemies when
you're out looking to come up? Why do bad people
always beat good people?
I remain seated at the stairs watching how the kids
kill each other and that's where that rapper comes from.
I wish I could go back in time to the day when I was born
so I can forget all the bad things that have existed in my
life.
My Brother's Letter From Iraq
by Rich, posted Jan 04, 2DD5
I just recently received a letter from my brother in Iraq,
which made my day but left me worried. The letter was a little
depressing and a little bit of things that made me smile.
My bro wrote me and told me he was part of the invasion
of F-Town (a code name for Falluja). He is starting to get a lot of
combat time now he is in Falluja. I am really worried. He said he
has seen a lot of intense shhh that makes him look at the world
differently. He said that he has shot at and been shot at with
small arms and RPGs (rocket propelled grenades).
My brother sent me a coin which he carried with him after
he almost got killed. While on patrol on LSA Anaconda he
almost got hit by a mortar which knocked him to the ground.
The coin was right in front of his face and he picked it up and
kept it for good luck.
I thought my bro was fine and to not worry about him. But
it now seems he is in combat and in harm's way most of the
time.
I love him so much and I hope he comes back home safely.
That letter which my brother and I always say, "Spending time
is a moment we will always remember, if not, then maybe
material things." He told me to promise him to keep the coin
till he comes back. That coin was his good luck and he gave it
to me. Since he gave me his good luck and he is my brother, I
will keep that promise.
I Give My Life To You by rio, posted nov m, 2003
(dedicated to Mya Wilburn) life got me askin' this question
how can something so small
yet so precious
leave this world in a matter of seconds?
she left me with not enough memories
an' a handful of misery
i should've died
'cause this here is killin' me inside
lookin' at my niece's body
layin' lifeless
i don't wanna accept it
an' i sure didn't like it
it just hit me that she's no longer here
fa me ta hug an' kiss
i will no longer be able to see her display
that pretty lil' face
what a day
tha world done took anotha one
of my loved ones away
ipray
an' just ask
that my family be okay
we all in desperate need of god's strengthenin'
so much anger buildin' up inside of me
caused by this messed up world that we' livin' in
it got me grievin' again
an' once again
made me a victim ta life's lesson
they say ya must count ya blessin's
but every time i start to count
one is taken
steady breakin'
my heart which is already shattered ta pieces
my soul is weakened
got me stuck just
thinkin' an' speakin' ta this paper an' pen
i'm turnin' up bottles of hen'
fa therapy this here is tearin' me apart
i know death is all a part of life
but why must i go thru so many in just one life?
a baby girl wit' a smile so bright
she brought a lot of light ta my dark life
so innocent ta life
an' its constant hinderin' a life short-lived
but she touched a lot of hearts while she was here
it's so hard ta keep my emotions from explodin'
but we got to keep goin' we can't stop here
'cause this here ain't it she'll be truly missed
an' hard to forget it's a trip
'cause mya was here just tha other day
i had her laughin' an' tryin' ta talk wit' a big kool-aid smile on
her face
i'd give my whole life up just ta love her
an' touch her at least on mo' time
as humans our time on earth is not infinite
i look at tha two months she was here as a true blessin'
an' i just hope that i'll be able ta see her face in heaven
it hurt knowin' we gon' have ta lay my lil' mama down in tha
earth life seems ta have no worth when ya got a lot of love an'
nobody ta give it to i not only dedicate this poem ta you
but i dedicate my entire life ta you mya we love you! uncle rio
Life 111 Tile GhettO by Crazy, posted Mar 09, 2005
Life as it is, life as it was
pimps pimpin' hoes
these little ninjas run around wit' guns
single mothers on welfare every corner packed
by thei' sons and daughters who don't care
surrounded by so-called soldiers
who build stripes by buildin' up their criminal folders
for every day in the week
another ninja meets his peace
while his brothers and sisters rush the streets
yellin' r — i — p
waiting fo' thei' time to be set free
but until then life as they know
it is weighed by the kilos and gees
life in the ghetto you'll see one — two — three
90W ll^^L^Jy
— PIECES OF THE WEEK THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 38 —
Wliat'S Life Worth by Sho-Moe 9 posted Jan 14, 2005
What's life worth? Well, I guess it depends on whom you
ask. If you ask a suicidal maniac — it's worthless. To people
with a family, it's only as valuable as their family.
To others it has a different value. To me, my value of
life has jumbled around, just as the quality of my life has
jumped around. Like right now — my value of life is medium.
I mean, yeah, I am not that bad off. But I could be doing so
much better!
I have so many opportunities knocking at my door —
jobs, schooling, like all kinds of opportunities, just waiting
for me. Yet the reason my value of life is so low right now, is
because I know my life could be so much more better.
Because of these decisions I made a couple of years and
months ago, I am stuck behind these walls and windows,
writing. But there were times when my value of life was
much higher, not long before I started to make horrible
decisions.
As I walk my journey through life, my value of life
becomes more. I am starting to realize the pricelessness of
life, because everyday it gets a little better. Even through all
the up's and down's, the quality of life gets better because
I learn of it's value — like having a family, living a real life,
having friends, becoming a man, finding the meaning of
life.
Yet what's funny is how I always knew these things.
I just never paid attention! Yeah, I've always talked about
living a meaningful life, having a family, a job — but I always
thought of myself as a child, a boy. So I thought I had all the
time in the world to become a man.
Now it has already come! It snuck up on me, just that
fast. My grandmother always told me, "Mijo, enjoy your
childhood. It's only a short time." She was right! And I didn't
even listen.
Some of my friends are always talking about junior
prom and proms, high school dances and these good times
they have! What do I talk about? How many times I ran from
the cops? How many cases I caught? Whom I am locked up
with, and all the other old stories that I done told a hundred
times? Show them the scars from my life of turbulence,
and they laugh!
But at what do they laugh? Is it the story or me? Some
of them help me, while others just pretend to be friends —
and yet others keep their distance, knowing too close can
get them burnt! And I can't blame them. I burnt myself and
my friends! But I am changing. And I am starting to show
care for what happens to me. Day by day I am that much
closer to the life I want. I got my life on pause right now,
but soon it will be in play — and once again I'll be playing a
game called life! What's it worth to you?
HGSlltl) 101 by 0. Janai, posted Apr 28, 2005
Chlamydia. . .
Gonorrhea. . .
Herpes...
Genital warts...
Just to name a few
Sex without a condom
Can lead to STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)
And even worse, AIDS (HIV)
We are now 20 years into the HIV epidemic in the US.
Women make up nearly one quarter of AIDS cases
here in the US and are among the fastest growing group
of new HIV infections. Worldwide, women make up nearly
half of AIDS cases, and thousands die everyday around
the world from AIDS related complications. It's a shame
that out of those women, it is our younger age group 18-
25! Why? Why can't we just wrap it up? It's not that hard;
all it takes is five seconds! Latex condoms every time
you have sex prevents pregnancy.
Abstinence — the best way to go or have sex with
one person "monogamy." Make sure your partner
doesn't have STD's or HIV or AIDS. Don't be scared, take
your ass up to Planned Parenthood and get tested. Every
Thursday free teen clinic. From 12:00pm till whenever!
Please people read up on this, this real talk! You think
killing in Oakland is bad!! Just imagine if you really
knew the truth. So many people die of AIDS quicker than
getting shot. AIDS has a higher death rate than killing in
Oakland every year.
While you on your block take some time out to run
up to Eastmont Mall and go to Planned Parenthood and
get that exam. After that crazy sideshow and the night
you spent with Jane I., Jane II. and whoever, make an
appointment to get checked. 'Cause y'all don't know
what's really going on. Keep it solid and keep it clean so
go get checked my young ladies and fellas!
^i^Jt
The World As I See It
by Dustin, posted Joo 26, 2DD3
Sittin' in my cell
Staring at the wall
I've come to realize
I've got nobody at all
Not a staff or judge
Even care I exist
It drives me insane
And I'm so sick of it
It's a big world out there
So evil and cold
Less and less people
Live to get old
With so much hatred
Leading to so much fear
All anyone can think is,
"How do I get out of here?"
But there's no place to run
No place to hide
And the world won't find
peace
No matter how hard it should
try
A lot of subjects out there
Can't find a reason
To stick around and live
Until the next season
With so much pressure
With alcohol and drugs It's
not a surprise
Most of us are thugs
We can't seek help 'cause it's
against our law
So we steal, sell and use
And that's our major flaw
We're greedy for money
Girls, respect and fame
But deep down inside
We know our morals are lame
But we're too afraid to admit
it
Too afraid to say what we feel
We're scared of the
consequences
Scared to get killed It's a
tough world out there
It's evil, no doubt
But keep your head strong
And you can't be put out
Stay true to yourself
Don't forget who you are
Keep these thoughts in mind
And you're bound to get far
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT IHROWBAGKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 30 —
Movement
There is always movement in life. Movement towards
particular goal, or a movement towards destruction.
What about revolutionary movement? How about
the Civil Rights movement of the past? Or the prisoners
movement?
Whether good or bad, life is about constant
movement. Just as ones life moves from birth to death.
The movements of the past, took cooperation,
strength, faith and courage. Most importantly there
was a need for everyone to participate in the overall
struggle.
The civil rights movements was more than marches
and speeches. It was a celebration of cultural and
political awareness. The fact that there was positive
movement was victory in itself, by it being a positive and
exciting influence on our present lives. It served to be
a wake up call from the loss of hope and stagnation of
procrastination! However that particular movement had
it's harvest in time. The seeds used in that crop, were
the appreciation of deep Black culture, Black courage
and of course Black revolutionary actions.
The Black prisoners movement is always in support
of the larger struggle for liberation for all colonized
people throughout the world. Our struggle to survive
as a culture, consciousness, human right and still be
identified as individuals. However, this doesn't just
apply to Black people. This also applies to everyone who
is striving for the same liberation.
Even though some of us are still in prison fighting
the deterioration of our spirit, soul and bodies, we must
always realize that our struggle goes beyond these gates
and prison walls.
I am aware of the Puerto Rican revolutionary action
in Puerto Rico as well. Yes, my Liano Indian roots
intertwined with my African roots. I am very proud of my
people who are striving for independence. I am please to
know that they are moving to get US Armed Forces out of
Vieques, Puerto Rico.
I am please to know that I'm made up of these two
ethnic cultural backgrounds. I am thankful that God
used an African and Puerto Rican to form me.
Now lets all move together!
ERNESTO ZARAGOZA !L 4 " We . d .
welcome Ernesto to the pages of The Beat Without. He writes to us
from Woodland, California. The piece he shares this issue is a heavy
one. We look forward to hearing more from Ernesto as well as seeing
his art work in the future.
ABUSARA ASKARI l^TTZZ
Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga California. The following two
his relations to the greater whole, by the way, this is not the first time
Abusara has written us. Not too long ago Abusara was published in
The Beat, and we are grateful that he continues to drop his wisdom,
his life on us, even though we have not been fulfilling our end as fast
as we would like.
Wf thoughts and memories tend to
become an everlasting archive
of systematic soap opera
war stories
on the everlasting battlefield of life.
Caught Up In The Madness
From the beginning, as far back as I can remember . . .
There's been madness, drama, and life changing
circumstances. From a child all the way to a man.
When I take the time to contemplate and reminisces,
my thoughts and memories tend to become an
everlasting archive
of systematic soap opera war stories
on the everlasting battlefield of life.
Every scene and episode,
only I can view.
Although some was character building,
they can only be shared with the camera man of my
soul.
That's due to the fact that, he holds the lifetime
library of scenes that constantly reminds me of all the
madness
I survived and lived through.
When this occurs,
I instantly find and retrieve the strength and courage
to make it through my part in the overall struggle
and madness in my everlasting life.
Life in Hell
Have you ever seen the sunrise from a lonesome prison
cell;
Have you ever heard a freight train's whistle blow like a
monster out of hell...
Have you ever seen the mailman greet a thousand other
men;
While the letter you've been waitin' for failed to come
again...
If you have never seen these things, then you're a lucky
man;
Your life has been a good one since the day your time
began.
But if you know the feelin'
of a lonesome prison cell;
your life has been a lonely one and you lived your life in
hell...
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 40 —
The Story of my Life
The Beginning
My mother was born on Oct 9, 1953, she had me on May 16
1978 I was born in Panama City, Panama. I lived there half of
my life.
I grew up with the love of my mother. I didn't have a papa,
'cause my papa left before my mother had me. But my mother
did tell me that my papa was no good. He was always getting
drunk and sleeping with other woman. He never cared about
my mother. That's why he left before I was born. He didn't
wanna see his boy, that was named after him. My papa name is
Alexis, so my mother named me Alex. So I grew up without a
dad.
It was tough for my mommita to take care of me. My mother
didn't have a good job. She was working at a bar called Noche
De Amor. Where my mom was working she wasn't getting paid
that much so it was hard for her to be there for me. We also
lived in this place that was falling a part, so my mother took me
away from that place.
She sent me to my grandma and grandpa's casa (home) to
live with them for a while. I was two years old when my mother
took me there. My grandpa and my grandma and me there they
were good people. Well my mother left me there, and she left
me for a long time, almost two years. Without seeing her. There
would be days that I would cry, 'cause I would want to see her.
She would call on the phone, and talk to me and I would tell
her, "momma when you coming to see me?" And I would hear
her cry, she said "mijo, I'm looking for a good place for us. And
a good job." We would talk for a while and then hang up, and
that would be the last time I hear from her! It was hard for me,
'cause I love her so much but I understood, 'cause my grandma
would tell me she loves me.
Since I was living with my grandpa and grandma I had to
learn, I started school when I was four years old. In those days
we wore blue and white, blue plants and white T-shirts. School
was really bad, 'cause if we would be bad kids, the teachers
would spank us with the ruler and the other kids would laugh
and that wasn't really cool.
I learned a lot of things on the weekend. When there was
no school, I had to wake up in the morning and go to work
with my grandpa. We would go out and cut wood with an ax.
We would cut about five of them and then bring them home,
not by car, not by horse, but by walking and carrying them on
our shoulders. I would carry half a tree on my shoulders, and
we would walk long-long-long miles. It took about four hours
to get home, we didn't live in the city, it was a rancho way out
there. When we would get home, the day was not over. I had to
get out there, and cut them in pieces for the firewood. So we
could have a fire, so we could cook dinner.
Mostly we ate rice and beans, or chicken. We would eat
that five days in a row. This went on for a year. Till my mother
came back.
She came back around in 1983. I was so happy to see her,
I even cried on her shoulder 'cause I was so happy to see her,
and I now knew I was leaving to be with my mother. Well sure
enough my dream came true. Mom found a good job, and a good
place. It took her a while, but I was happy to be leaving with
her. But I was sad also, 'cause I didn't want to leave my grandma
and grandpa, 'cause I had a lot of love for them. Plus, after all
that learning, cutting wood, killing chickens, cutting grass by
hand, and going to the city to clean shoes to earn my money so
I could buy some shoes. I learned a lot, but it was good, I was
ready to leave.
Me, Mom and My New Family
Well after leaving grandma and papa casa, I went on living with
my mom in the city of Panama. We were living on this street
called Chorio St. It was a pretty old place, but it was better then
living in that place that was falling a part. Even people would
try to break in to rob us. People would sleep on the stairs. They
MLEA IVI^\IC I I 111 E 2 autobiographical story
was submitted by a new writer to The Beat Without in Alex Martinez.
Alex steps up huge with his tale of his painful life. We hope by Alex
sharing his story has helped him in some way, but will help some of
you who are struggling to get your stories out. We really hope Alex
felt a bit more liberated after completing this part of his story. This is
what writing is all about. We hope Alex will continue to share with us.
His voice is very important. Alex writes us from a California Medical
Facility State Prison in Vacaville, CA.
were bums; they would even try to rape my mother when she
had to go to work. But it was better that my mom found that
place it was a lot more fun.
I didn't have to work anymore. Maybe sometimes, but
mostly momma would get money for me. We would go to the
city and have fun, ride the bus around town. Then sometimes
we would stop for some ice cream. It was fun, especially on the
weekends, we would go to the beach and enjoy the freedom and
the tropical sun. It was fun living with my mother.
It was just me and her for while. Till my mother found a
boyfriend, he was from Choreic Panama. He was Spanish Black
he was a good man, I think. I was seven years old when I met
him, but he was cool. He loved my mother, and also love me, my
mother was with him for a year until she got pregnant by him.
He stayed with my mother till my brother was born in 1985. My
mother named him Carlos. This was sad for my mother 'cause
it (not having a father) was gonna hurt my brother Carlos, oh
yeah, my mother's boyfriend's name was Smithy, bad news was,
that he got killed by someone, so there we go again, the second
kid that grows up with out a daddy.
As my brother grew up, we became good brothers. It was
fun to have someone to play with. But sometimes if he would
get hurt momma would spank me, and I would get mad at
Carlos. But me and Carlos we had fun. As he got bigger he was
calling me papa. I would tell him no, I'm Alex, till he learned
well after Smith's death.
It took my mother a while to let go, till she found someone
new. Apparently my mother did find someone new, but he
wasn't from Panama. He was from United States. My mother
found him on the beach. He was visiting Panama, since he was
in the army. They based him in Panama for a while. My mother
got to know him for a while, he would come and spend the
night with us. I think he was only 24 years old when they got
together. I was around 8 and my brother was 2 years old, my
mom was still young too.
Well at the time he was a good man, I liked him. Well they
were together for awhile, until he had to leave. But he wasn't
leaving for good he told my mother he was coming back in a
year. Well he left, but my mother and him continued talking on
phone from Panama to Denver, Colorado. I didn't even know
there was another country outside of Panama?
eventually my mom and him fell in love. A couple of months
after he left, my mother became pregnant by him. My mom,
didn't know she was gonna have baby. When she told him that
she was pregnant, he flew on airplane back to Panama to stay
with momma.
In 1986 momma had the baby. It was a girl, her name
is Jessica. She was so pretty like a doll. Well life started to
begin with momma and her new boyfriend and my new sister.
Everything was starting. He stayed with us until he told my
mother, that he was going back to tell his family about us, and
his new baby girl. He was also going to find a place for us all, to
come to America to stay with him. It took him one year to find
a place for us to live with him. When he came back, he said,
"pack your stuff!" I didn't know what he was saying, 'cause all
I knew was Spanish words, I look at him like "what?" And then
my mother told me in Spanish "bamonos (let's go) OK!"
But it took while before we left, 'cause we had to fix some
papers for me, Carlos and my mother, 'cause he was adopting
us as his sons. Our name change from Martinez to Hampton, it
costed a lot of money for that.
continued on next page
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 41 —
My New Home - America
Anyways, I didn't want to leave, 'cause I had a lot of cousins. My
grandma had eighteen kids and they were all my cousins, and
I didn't wanna leave grandma & grandpa behind, 'cause I loved
them sooooo much. It was hard for me to leave, 'cause I knew I
was not gonna see them anymore. Well apparently we left with
tears. I remember seeing grandma and papa crying 'cause I was
leaving but mamma didn't let me stay.
Well there we are on the airplane flying away to America. I
remember we were over the clouds. I was scared to be up there,
'cause I never been on an airplane, that was my first time on
one of them.
I remember we stopped in Florida to pick up our next flight
to Colorado. My mama's boyfriend did not tell me that Colorado
was going to be cold. I was wearing some shorts and a t-shirt
when we got to Colorado. There was white things coming from
the sky. I really did not know what it was, 'cause we didn't have
that in our country. Plus, I was so cold, I couldn't even speak.
I-I-told my mom since she knows a little American words, at
that time I started to call him dad, I told mom to ask him what
is that coming from the sky. He said "snow!" Man, I was so cold,
I couldn't even walk. I ended up going to the restroom with my
package (suitcase) and taking out my clothes so I could put on
warmer clothes. I remember I had about 10 t-shirts, 5 pairs of
pants and 3 jackets to keep myself warm, from this cold. I even
remember drinking the water and it was so nasty, 'cause I was
not use to that water.
I was having fun, even my brother was having fun. I don't
know about my sister because she was a young little girl.
It was so beautiful to be in America! For the first time in my
life, the house we lived in was so big. I never lived in a house
that was so beautiful with grass. But, I couldn't see the grass
'cause the snow, but in the summer it was so cool. Me and my
brother would be playing since we didn't have friends yet. It was
me and my brother playing in the snow. Even in the summer we
would go out to the lake and look around at the place we lived
in.
At this time I did not even start school yet, I didn't even
known how to speak English yet. My brother didn't even known
either.
That Girl
I was not even there for that long till I found me a girl. She lived
next door to me. I remember I was like the age of 9 or 10. When
she came to me and said I like you. I didn't know what she
was saying -so I didn't speak one word to her. My mother was
telling me in Spanish, what the girl was telling me in English,
that she wants to know my name and I told her Alex. Her name
was Missy. She was beautiful for her age, but since I didn't
speak English it was hard for me to talk to her.
Well I end up learning how to speak English. It took a while,
but I learned.
I was going to school that's name was Coronado. That was
the school that Missy went to too. After being in America for
a good 2 years, with broken English words, I learned how to
speak to Missy. We would do homework together. Her parents
were cool, my brother would also come over to play with her
brother and I was falling love.
I remember I kissed her once, but I was too shy to do it
again. I didn't know what a kiss felt like. But me and Missy fell
in love and we were going to the same school.
I remember I use to get in trouble for backing her up 'cause
the boys would push her down, and for me fighting in school.
The teacher would call home. I would be scared to go home
even though my step-dad didn't put hands on me, yet. But
after some good spanks my step-dad got tried of me getting in
trouble. So he decided to put hands on me, but in the wrong
way. He started abusing us, me and my brother. He was never
like that before. We finally got to see the real him.
The Abuse
ALEX MARTINEZ
CONT.
He started to be abusiv to us all, there were times that I would
come home from school, and I would find my mother, with black
eyes, split lip. And I would ask momma what happened, and she
would say, "nothing mijo." I even found my brother beat up by
this animal. (When I am talking about animal I mean my step-
dad.) After beating my poor mother, he would turn around and
beat me for no reason. He would get real mad 'cause I wouldn't
do what he said.
There were times that he wanted me to shine his shoes
and I would do it and when I was done, he would check if it
was clean. He would hit me with his fist and then kick me with
boots 'cause the job wasn't right. After he beat me, he would
turn around and beat my mother for the job I done, he tell my
mother, "your son of a b kids, I'm gonna kill him, 'cause he
doesn't know how to do anything around here!"
There would be times I would be scared to go to school
'cause I had bruises from the way he beat me. My whole back
was a big purple bruise from his hits, kicks, and slammings on
the wall, all from this animal.
I would go with out sleeping at night. I couldn't go to sleep
because when he got home which was pretty late and if he found
my mother sleeping he'd wake her up by hitting her in the face
and kicking her. I would hear my poor mother screaming for
her life. All I did was cry while hearing my mother get beat by
him for no reason. After beating my mother he would come in
my room to see if I was sleeping and if I was sleeping he would
do the same thing to me.
I would go to school and fall sleep on the desk. The teacher
would always get mad at me. And they would call my home
and I knew that once I got home I was going to get beat again.
Surely, when I got home my step-dad beat the hell out of me.
I remember one time I had to go to hospital 'cause I had
brain damage because he would pick me up and throw me
against the wall head first. When I got to the hospital, they
found out about the bruise that I had on my back. They ask me
who did it, but I was too scared to say, 'cause he told me if I say
anything he will kill me and mom. So I told them I fell down the
stairs. It was too hard for them (hospital officials) to believe.
They went to my house and tried to arrest my mother. I
then said, "no! It is not her!" I said to the police, "look at
my mother eye!" They told her to take her sunglasses off, so
she did. After my mother told them what happened, they went
looking for him, till they arrested him, but he only stayed two
nights in jail.
When he got home, again, he started to beat us again for
telling. I remember one night we were eating on the table, and
because I was eating to much, he told me "fin' get your ass on
the floor and eat like a dog!" He even put my plate on the floor,
and shoved my face to the plate on the floor and told me to eat
it all. And if I didn't do it, I was going to get beat.
I remember one time when Jessica got a little bigger, I
think Carlos was five and Jessica was four years of age. They
were born one year apart, well anyway, Jessica was too small to
know better and her own blood dad told her to move away from
the TV. Jessica was to small to understand what he was saying,
so because Jessica didn't move, he threw a fork and stabbed
my little sister in her left back leg. My sister was screaming,
but he didn't care. My mother screamed, "Wesley why did you
do that?" He said, "I didn't mean to."
I think I was already 12 years old, when I was sitting at the
table and, told him "f— you" for what he did to my sister. He
said, "what did you say?" And I said it again "f— you b — !" He
got up and beat the hell out of me. I learned those words in
school from a couple lil' homies that I had.
After all this beating, I got tired of being hurt by this animal.
But I had to live there, 'cause I didn't have any cousins that
were from Panama here.
continued on next page
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 42 —
California - Drugs and More Trouble
Well, then we moved away from Colorado Springs to California.
Because the animal was seeing that I was being a bad ass, and
not only that, 'cause his family lived there also.
Things didn't change in California, it was still same. I just
didn't understand why my mom loved him. I hated him. It was
wrong to move to California, that's where I started to look for
friends to get away from his abuse. The friend I found were the
kind that did drugs. They were older teens and a 22 year old.
The older people I hung out with were mostly troublemakers.
To get away from him, I would go kick it with them.
I didn't know how to smoke weed, till they taught me. I
remember taking the first hit to the lungs. I almost died 'cause
I didn't know how to smoke.
Then I learned the streets rules. I was about 15 years old.
I would come home after being all drunk and smelling of
all I did. But I didn't care, I was having my fun. Since I couldn't
have a family to love me the way I wanted to be loved.
Well after always coming home late, my mother start to
wonder what was going on. I didn't want to hurt my mother. But
she found things in my room — like weed rolled up, condom,
bottles of beer, and even phone numbers of females. I was
getting a lot of females, most of them were Mexican and Whites.
I knew my mother knew, that I found someone better.
I stopped kicking it with my brother and sister. It hurt
me. There were days I would play with my lil' brother but that
wasn't my thing anymore, I just wanted to party that's all. I
wouldn't even go to school 'cause I wanted to kick it with the
homies. For a young kid like me, I went through a lot drama. I
would skip school to kick with my girlfriends and homeboys.
The Change
Mama didn't catch on to everything yet till one day she found a
colored rag in my pocket. The first thign she did was cry, 'cause
she saw I was in the wrong places. She said "mijo (son) why!?"
I said, "why what!?" And then she said "don't talk to me like
that." She continued, "Why do you want to hurt me?" And then
I said, "how am I hurting you by doing this!?" Tears started to
come from my mother's eyes, 'cause she was in pain. But I was
too into it to let go.
I was hurt also, by living with that animal that beat me
and my mother and my brother. He kept putting hands on my
mother. I told my mother one day "if you don't leave him, I'm
leaving for good." She didn't believe me till one day I left from
home, for a good period of time, almost about 5 month. I went to
live with my girl, her name was Jennifer. She lived in Hayward
California. She too was a gang affiliated girl.
I remember momma was looking for me. She had me
reported as a runaway. I called her one time and she said,
"where are you at?!" I said to her, "mommy in a better place."
The last words I said to her were, "I love you," and I hung up
before she said anything. It hurt, but I had- to get away from
there. I finally came back but for little while.
I remember when I came back I found my little brother beat
up and my mother was pregnant again so what I did was I took
my brother, Carlos, away from home. I took him with me for a
long time, for one year.
The whole time my mother, the police, and the animal was
looking for me but I was to far to be found. My girlfriend's
parents knew what was going on. So they paid a round trip for
us all to go live in Arizona with other family members, so the
police wouldn't find us.
Soon, I came back with my brother. I couldn't do this to
mother, when came back she was mad as hell. She yelled,
"where were you?" I didn't tell her. All I knew was that my
brother was looking better then before. He was wearing good
clothes. He was fed hella good, and I kept him in good shape.
But you know what, my mother turn me in to the police.
I had to do time, just a little, only like nine months. Wow,
that wasn't nada (nothing) to me.
ALEX MARTINEZ
CONT.
When I hit the streets I was doing the same things as before,
selling drugs, since I dropped out of school at the age of 17 yrs.
I was selling weed, from ounces, but that's all. I then started to
steal cars, it would take me three seconds to do one car.
The cars I would steal would be Toyotas, Nissans, Fords,
and Impalas. I was stealing them for parts, 'cause my girlfriend,
Jennifer's pa' was working for Auto Motor. Her dad was like a
gangster himself, and I would steal the cars for parts and he
would pay like $500 to $600 for whatever he took. I was getting
paid pretty good.
Soon I got busted, it wasn't my first time being locked up
in Juvenile Hall.
The first time I ever got busted I was a young teen, and kept
going till I was 17 and a half for things like tagging on the wall,
and busting car windows. I would only do a little time. But that
wasn't nada (nothing) to me. Little time.
Once I hit the streets, I was back in my little world. When I
hit the age of eighteen, my mother had already 2 kids, but she
was not with him anymore. So that was good.
At the time I was living on my own with Jennifer. Her
parents gave us a place, me and her were together for five years
straight. We broke up 'cause she found me with someone else.
But I would still see her, we were good friends. And she still
loves me.
But I never went to live with my mother again. I was working
a good job at KFC and getting paid pretty good. It didn't bother
me paying my own bills, plus, my brother was living with me. I
kept my place until I was 20 years old when I lost it 'cause I was
on drugs again.
Finally I went back to school and got my diploma. I
was a smart kid. So I went on - on my own - doing my own
life. Most likely I would end up like my real dad. Locked up,
stealing, different women, drugs and others. But that wasn't
my mother's fault, that was mine, but even though I was doing
what I was doing I gave my mother the money I earned on the
calle (Streets). I would give her $200 dollars, and rest is mine.
Life was tough for me, since I grew up this way, with an
abusive step-dad. So then, like I said, I went on with my life,
doing my own things. I started to work and got back with
Jennifer 'cause I loved her.
Jennifer had a good job she was going to college for
computer learning, and I started to work for a warehouse,
forklift driver.
I've been in jail a couple of times. For bullshhh but that's
all.
I never had kids with Jennifer, she couldn't have kids, she
was born that way.
Well mom never went back with him, 'cause he found
someone else that treats him like shhh, but who care. I
remember he came back one time, and he put hands on my
mom. And I put hands on him and also burned his car down,
for being a fool. I even had a couple of homeboys that fired up
on him. I didn't care if he was dead or what. But life went on,
it got better, till Jennifer past away at the age of 21. She died
of a head on car wreck. I cried my ass off for years, till I got
over it. Then her mother died of the pain, and then her dad too.
The only living member of her immediate family living is her
brother, Malito, he still kicks it with us. He is around the age of
17 years, he now lives with is Uncle, but that's my boy.
So I've moved on without Jennifer, it's just me and my mom
once again, all alone with my brothers and sisters. My mom
been single for eight years already, and life has been better
since all we been through together.
Everyone has grown up. My brother Carlos is 17, Jessica
16, Sharon 13, Jonathan 12 and I am 23 now, going on 24.
Overall, life has been better than before, till I ended up in
this place, prison.
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 43 —
Survival
I haven't gone one day without acknowledging the fact that
I'm just another poor man with a rich man's dreams. A black
man still struggling from the depth of his ghetto where
children go to sleep on empty stomachs and mothers and
fathers main concern is getting high. Instead of spending
their last five dollars on food, they'd rather give it to the
man of poison "the dopeman." Leaving children no other
alternative but to get out there at a early age and fight
blindly against this world of survival.
I often fantasize on the day when I can just live in
peace. The day when I can get off my tired knees and stump
with pride, but I know one must crawl to walk and walk
to succeed. For I know that which I can conceive I can
achieve.
It's this thing called survival running around snatching
up souls like a deadly disease. You either search for a cure or
die from its sickness. It's known to respect those of success
and look down on those of failure. Silently laughing in your
face for being a child of poverty. Survival is like the war.
You either win or die trying, giving up is unacceptable. We
are guaranteed one thing at birth and that's death, knowing
this, I'd rather die with my eyes open staring success in the
E|U|^^|l|EV ( 5 - 13 > We are honored to share with you
IflWlUE I the following by our long time friend
and teacher, E-Money. E, was with us from the beginning, and has
continued to show love with his words and wisdom. Currently E, a San
Franciscan, and former YGC resident, is now serving time at Pleasant
Valley State Prison in Coalinga, CA. As you wil Isoon fidn out, he
continues to take his life very seriously as he prepares for the day he
returns to the free world.
face, instead of with my eyes closed where success is only
a dream.
It's scary to see how quickly we will sell our souls
for these worthless material wishes. We fail to realize
that "being" is more important than "having." We came
in this world naked and we will leave as came. So living a
life collecting materials is living a life of blindness. Earth
materials are like casino coins, they're only useful while
you are here. It's something we can't take with us.
To the youth, living a simple, uncomplicated, uncluttered
life requires work. We must first stop, think and see where
we as a generation stand, in which ways we can better our
lives and make this earth a better place for the unborn.
Remember, it's not all about us, but also those who still
haven't had a chance to live. We must stay striving in this
world of survival for who will if we don't?
To the ifouth, living a simple, uncomplicated, uncluttered life requires work.
JOHNNY LOZOYA £S , f 2T.rs»
to read was written for The Beat by Johnny Lozoya. Besides being
an amazing artist, Johnny also has a knack with words. Johnny has
shown tremendous loyalty this past year, we look forward to hearing
from him soon. He also collaborated on The Beat's 2001 calendar.
Hope you received your 2001 calendar He writes us from Pelican Bay
State Prison.
Consequences
To all you youngsters out there, if you really want to
improve your life, you can start working on the one thing
you have control of, and that's yourself. You can focus
on being a good friend, a source of unconditional love
and support. We can be happy and accept those things
that at the present, we can't control.
While we focus our efforts on things we can: we need
to also consider two things that merit deeper thought,
they are consequences and mistakes.
While we are free to choose our actions, we are
not free to choose the consequences of those actions.
Consequences are governed by natural law. We can only
hope that the consequences are good. Undoubtedly,
there have been times in our lives when we have picked
up what we later felt was the wrong stick. Our choices
have brought consequences we would rather have lived
without. I know if you had the choice to do things over
again, you would make it different. The fact is, we can't
change what has already transpired. We can only learn
to acknowledge the mistakes we made and correct them
so we won't repeat them again.
It is not what others do, or even our mistakes that
hurt us the most, it is our response to those mistakes,
chasing after the poisonous snake that bites us will only
drive the poison through our entire system. It is far better
to take measures immediately to remove the poison. Like
they say, our response to any mistake affects the quality
of the next moment.
OMAR ABEDELAL F2JZZETZ «"
from the CYA in lone, CA. We lost contact for a while and are happy to
have his pieces once again in BWO. Omar tells the truth about the key
to knowledge in his piece, "My Knowledge to YOU, and in his poem,
"The Real Deal" he raise some very imporant questions.
My Knowledge to YOU
I'm writing to YOU, the young adults of the Bay Area. My
name is Omar "Lil' Cisco" Abedelal, and I'm locked down
in the CYA. The only good thing is I'll be out finally in
about nine months. At this point I just wanna throw out
some knowledge to all who think you know it all. You
feel me?
I have lots of knowledge, I'm sure a lot of you do as
well. So share my knowledge as well as your own.
If you believe in charity then perform charitable
acts.
If you believe in equal rights, let me see you address
these rights to everyone else.
If you believe in loving your family, start showing
people how you manifest that love.
Stop getting locked up and go on the straight path.
Can't nobody fool me. So, "If you want to fool someone,
try. But some, such as myself, are wise enough not to
let ourselves be fooled. If you are foolish enough to try
and fool yourself, you may also be foolish enough to let
yourself be fooled".
Turn y'all lives around. It ain't too late. I'm a leave
you with this. The truth will set you free. Tell me I'm
lying. Excuses are like butt holes, everyone's got one.
When you don't wanna accept responsibility for your
wrong doings, any lame excuse will do. Right? It doesn't
have to be cool. In fact, it might be stupid, but if you
need it, it will do. Tell the truth my homies. That's real.
Much love.
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 44 —
Billy's First Bike
When I was a young boy growing up, my childhood was
filled with many nights listening to the adults in my family
argue. And, man, did they ever argue. I mean they argued
about everything, from clothes, drugs, relationships, to
sometimes arguing about always arguing... and there was
no telling when these verbal disagreements would end, or
where they would lead.
Sometimes, they weren't even in the same room as they
argued. Instead, they would just yell at each other through
the walls. Other times, they would suddenly break out into
laughter over something stupid one of them said, or how
silly they looked when they said it.
But there were times when the fighting was so filled
with rage, the whole neighborhood would echo with my
family's problems. On these occasions, only the arrival of
the police could bring my family back together as we united
to prevent the police from dragging someone off to jail
But out of all the things my family seemed to fight
about, there was one argument they had more than any
other. It seemed every couple of months my ears would
ring with voices yelling about how there was no money for
rent. It got so that as soon as I heard this particular fight, I
knew I would be soon saying good-bye to my recently made
friends, helping to once again pack up my family's little
belongings into whatever mode of transportation we had at
that moment. For a while, I started to believe my family only
stayed in a place until the new paint smell vanished.
Looking back over my childhood, it's now so easy to see
how the long trail of houses, apartments, and even motel
rooms my family left behind, shaped who I am today. For
the unstable nomadic lifestyle my family led caused me
to feel like a perpetual new student. I was always finding
myself standing at the front of a classroom while a teacher
announced, "We have a new student, class. His name is
Israel." And, to this day, I don't believe I ever stayed in one
school long enough to complete a full school year. To tell
you the truth, I'm surprised any of the lessons stuck in my
head with all the school changing I did.
Though I grew to hate the constant uprooting my family
did throughout my childhood, there was one time when I
couldn't wait for the explosion of voices to rock the house
we were living in. It came only two months after moving
into a quaint little house in a somewhat sleepy middle
class neighborhood. I recall this particular move quite well,
because it came with much secrecy surrounding it.
I remember my whole family gathering in the living
room of the apartment we had two days to vacate. And, as if
planning some major heist, I listened as the adults warned
that only two female family members would be seen by the
owner of the house we planned to rent. Everyone else would
stay out of sight until it was time to move in. We would
have to content ourselves with excited descriptions of what
color the house was, how big the kitchen, bedrooms and
backyard were.
On the day of the move, I knew my family was entering
a world I never knew before. I quickly became aware of this
when a couple neighborhood boys — sitting on their bikes
a few feet away — unceremoniously called to me in the way
only young kids do. With scrunched up faces, they asked
why my family was using a car to move our belongings. Up
until that moment, I was never made aware this was unusual,
but seeing the looks on their faces told me it was, which
instantly caused me to feel an intensely deep shame.
One of the curious boys who came that day to observe
my family's moving in was an eleven-year-old boy named
ICDAEI nvnpV (10.08) It's been a while since
I v ll#%E ^m I Ei I m Ei h we've heard from our long-time
friend, Israel Perez. With this extended childhood memory, he's back
with a bang! We have no trouble discerning the real crimes that are
committed in this bittersweet tale. It is not the theft of the bicycle
that he recalls in such brilliant detail, but the theft of childhood itself,
and the failure of a family and a society to prepare a boy for a future.
We know Israel to be one of the most creative and talented writers
it has ever been our pleasure to feature in The Beat — and we know
he is capable of any achievement, from classroom teacher to Supreme
Court Justice. That nobody cared to provide the minimum foundation
for such accomplishments is the real crime — a crime which is repeated
endlessly in a society that cares more for profits than for people.
Instead of handing down great decisions from the High Court, Israel
writes his memories from the SHU at Corcoran State Prison... But let
us not preach. There is no preaching in this reminiscence of a child
without a childhood, just a deep understanding that gives painful
meaning to the too-easily tossed-off phrase, "Life isn't fair!"
Seth. He was the same age as me, and lived in the white
house with green trimming directly across from our rented
one. Over the next couple of weeks, me and Seth got to
know each other very well. But honestly, I really had no
interest in becoming his best friend — that is until the day
I was invited into his room.
On that day I discovered just how unfair life truly can
be, how good some kids could have it. You should have seen
this room. It was filled with countless toys and gadgets. He
had so many toys, somebody had built shelves along the
walls to hold some of them. And these shelves were lined
with action figures of all shapes, colors and sizes. Every toy
I had seen on TV and desperately longed for, my friend Seth
had. He had every GI Joe action figure that was ever made,
along with accessories. Even the air over his bed was taken
up with toys, for suspended from the ceiling were numerous
airplane models, which looked to be from different wars in
aircraft history. Boy, did that kid have toys!
However, what shocked me most, and cut me to the
quick, was the way he treated his toys. He would toss
them to the side as if they were nothing, or even more
blasphemous in my eyes, acted as if some of them didn't
exist. But I learned otherwise when I asked if I could borrow
some of his least desired toys. To this, he outright refused,
saying I would have to come to his house if I wished to play
with them.
But out of all the things Seth possessed, there was one
thing I desired more than any other. It was the brand new
dirt bike he pedaled up and down our street each day after
school. Of course, there were other boys in the neighborhood
who owned bikes, but none of them was like Seth's. For
Seth had a GT Performer. It was the most expensive out
of everyone's bikes, and, boy, did it look it, with its shiny
chrome frame, racing seat, blue alloy rims and pedals.
It just begged to be ridden, and God how I wanted to.
But Seth would have none of that. In fact, he refused to
let anyone ride it, no matter what the price offered. And
because I was the only boy without a bike, the closest I got
to enjoying it was setting up ramps for Seth to jump.
And that's how things were for the first couple of months.
I stood around while the other boys rode about trying to
perform various tricks. Or, I would sit on the curb and listen
to them talk about bicycle parts. These conversations I no
longer took part in, not after they had all laughed at me
once, pointing out the fact I didn't even have a bike, so what
did I know!
But that all changed one night. One night when the air
in my house was thick with smoke, and not all of it from
tobacco mind you, the sound of voices and laughter touched
every corner of the house as the adults of my family and
their friends partied. These parties took place two to three
times a week, and funny enough, my family never seemed
continued on next page
^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy
— THE BEAT WITHOUT THROWBACKS • VOLUME 12.46 • PAGE 45 —
to connect the constant partying with the constant moving
we did.
It was under these circumstances that I slipped out the
front door to smoke the half-inch remnants of a joint I'd
snuck out of an ashtray, and to sip the ice-cold beer that
was uncomfortably hidden in my underwear. This was a
ritual I'd taken up many parties ago, where I would sit on
the trunk of our car sneaking a buzz from either alcohol or
marijuana or, like that particular night, both. And though I
enjoyed the mellow feeling that always took me, I also loved
the way the ritual made me feel so much more sophisticated
than other kids my age.
Looking around to make sure I was completely alone,
something gleaming under the street's lamplight caught my
eye. Setting the sweating can of beer down on the trunk,
I peered between the two cars parked in Seth's driveway.
There, I couldn't believe what my eyes were telling me —
that the GT Performer lay exactly where Seth had slammed
it down, slammed it down in a fuming rage earlier in the
evening when his mother demanded he come in for dinner.
It wasn't the first time he had thrown his bike down in an
angry fit. However, it was the first time he forgot to retrieve
it.
Stepping into the street, I was reminded of the fresh
layer of gravel the city workers had laid down the day
before. It crunched beneath my sneakers, making me fear
the whole neighborhood would wake. And it was this fear
that told me what I was going to do. Of course, in my mind
I tried to convince myself I was only going to play a prank.
But by the way I silently stood by the bike, seeing if that
alone would cause somebody to come out, I knew I wasn't
playing.
With a sensation of being outside my body, I found
myself waling the GT Performer across the street. It felt
as if I was moving under water, stuck forever red-handed
beneath the streetlight. I couldn't understand why a voice
didn't cry out in alarm from behind me, why firm hands
hadn't grabbed hold of me. After all, the chrome on the bike
seemed to shine brighter than ever.
Finally, with the GT Performer leaning against the side
of my house, I remembered to breathe. My ears turned to
pick up the slightest sound, while the claim, "I was just
playing a joke," was on my lips ready to burst forth. But
after several moments passed, I felt it safe, and walked the
bike to my bedroom window.
The next day found Seth accompanied by his mother
going around house to house asking if anyone had seen
his bike, or knew of its whereabouts. And when they finally
arrived at my front door, I was utterly surprised to see all
the arrogance completely gone from Seth's face. My shock
alone must have convinced them my claims of ignorance
were true, because as they went away down the walkway,
I couldn't help hearing his mother scolding him for his
spoiled carelessness.
For the first couple of nights following my crime, I
could barely find sleep. At odd hours I would jump up, open
my room's sliding closet doors, and just stare at the GT
Performer. It was as if I needed visual proof I possessed the
bike. Several hours would pass, and I'd stop believing.
This became a nightly habit, where every evening I
would take out the GT Performer. Turning the bike upside
down so that it rested on its racing seat and handlebars,
I would crank the pedals as fast as I could, watching the
wheels spin. I never once got bored with cleaning the bike.
I would rub and buff every inch of it until it sparkled under
my bedroom light. And whenever I became sad, I retreated
ISRAEL PEREZ
CONT.
to my room and the bike. Whenever the house vibrated with
intoxicated parties, or with voices screaming hateful things,
the GT Performer became like a crutch, getting me through
the roller coaster of rough times my family was expert at
creating.
The day I began to believe I might truly own the bike
came when our electricity got shut off. It triggered an
argument which was so heated it brought the police's
authoritative knock in record time. Or maybe it was just
that the neighbors were less understanding, and quicker
to pick up a phone. Whatever it was, when all the dust
finally settled, and all the tears had been shed and dried,
my family agreed to split up with my mother settling on a
motel room.
I tried to be as sullen and dejected as everyone else
who moped around, but with each carload of my mother's
and siblings' belongings that I helped to relay to the motel
that was maybe three miles away, I couldn't help feeling
giddy with excitement. I had no desire to say good-bye to
the friends I made during my short stay. And I felt even less
concern about whether I'd have to return to the same school
come morning. All that worried me was the lack of room in
the last carload we had packed just as night fell.
So, with as much confidence as I could muster, I told
my mom I would ride my bike to the motel room, since there
was little space and I already knew the way. She, not even
wondering about what bike I was talking about, just nodded
in agreement, never stopping to realize she never bought
me a bicycle. And my family, being as they are, not for one
second thought it strange that I cautiously walked the GT
Performer down the street with a blanket covering it.
Once I believed it safe enough, I flung the blanket to
the ground and took off on the bike. With all my might, I
pumped my legs, propelling myself down the sidewalk at
a breakneck speed. The wind began whipping at my shirt
as my hair blew back away from my perspiring forehead. I
must have appeared like a mentally disturbed boy to others
as I reached the main street. I discovered myself laughing
uncontrollably as I navigated toward the motel, jumping
every curb I came across with a joyous yell. All the while,
my inner voice kept screaming, "I truly got a bike. I finally
have my own bike, and it's a good bike!"
At that moment, the world and my future seemed so
much brighter. It seemed like anything was now possible,
and I never knew such happiness. And if anyone had tried
to point out that the bike was illegally obtained and I was
the thief, I wouldn't have cared. Because I earned that bike.
I earned it fair and square in my mind. I'd been deprived of
a normal childhood along with all the childhood things that
go with it. So this one thing was mine, and I deserved it!
Arriving at the motel, I practically rode the GT Performer
directly into the room. I didn't bother getting off it, but just
sat there as my mom and siblings unpacked. It didn't matter
to me one bit that our future was so foggy. The uncertain
fear that usually churned in my gut when placed in such
situations was non-existent.
When my mother turned to look at me, face full of
annoyance, she ordered my to put "my bike" somewhere
out of the way, and help out. And I did just that. I walked the
GT Performer to the farthest wall and propped it up against
it, then, strangely out of character, I asked my mother how
I could help.
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