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Hfr&tBBttlfMim^ " M 

Through my 17 years on 
this earth I have been 
through a lot of hardships 
and troubles. I used to think that 
the cards that I was dealt in life 
was very tough and unfair, which 
made me not care about living and 
actually looking forward to death 
because it might be better than 
how I was living on earth. But as 
I got older and much more mature ^ 
and wiser, I figured out why I was * 
dealt that hand. 

read the rest of Knowledge's POW on page 7 

The Life and Death Issue 


Welcome editorial note readers to the last issue of 2007! 
We can't believe we made it to this point, 46 issues later, and 
despite the setbacks - health, finances, personnel issues that 
we have been dealing with all year - we have had a successful 
year and leave you with a pretty damn good issue. You best 
believe we look forward to our thirteenth season which is 
right around the corner! 

This weeks special issue is devoted to the writings on "Life 
and death." We truly believe The Beat writers give us Beat 
readers an eye-opening glimpse into their worlds, on two very 
challenging topics. 

Here's the breakdown on the topics as they were presented 
to our readers during the workshops... 

This issue will be the special "Life and Death Issue." In 
this issue only pieces that touch on life and death will be 
published. The following questions pertaining to Life and 
Death will hopefully give you some insight on what to share 
with The Beat readers. Any pieces not on topic will be featured 
in the following issue. 

"Death..." - What comes to mind for you when you hear 
the word death? Death is dark, heavy and painful, yet many 
of us thrive on living on the edge, selling dope, packing guns, 
and living with that gangsta "I don't give a shhh" mentality. 
Sure all of us one day are going to die, but tragically many of 
us have lost loved ones to violence at young ages. Can you pay 
your respects in The Beat of that special someone who left us 
too soon? What have you learned from going to funerals? Do 
you go? Tell us about your grieving process. What can you tell 
readers about being on the scene of a fatal crime? Have you 
seen death? What is that like to witness first hand the tragic 
death of a close family member or a total stranger? What must 
a mother/father (any family member) go through, losing their 
child? How have you dealt with death up to this point? From 
reading The Beat for many years now, sadly, it appears that 
many of you seem to know death too well, so we look to you 
for answers as you share your thoughts, pains and insights on 

"Life..." - If you chose this topic, then you chose life. The 
following is a series of questions and we want you to pick 
ONE and write as much as you can about it. Whose life do you 
value and why? Can you put a value on life and if so what 
is life worth? If you've ever been close to a newborn child, 
describe that experience? If you were to have a fresh start, 
how would you use it? If you were able to choose the life you 
wanted, what life would you choose? Would you risk your life 
to save someone else's, who's life would it be and why would 
you save it? Describe your favorite birthday. Who's the person 
you love most and why? Have you ever loved someone besides 
your family and if so how did that turn out? Remember that 
this topic is about life, so whatever you want to write about 
this topic is fine, as long as pertains to life... 

"A Tattoo Representing Either Life Or Death..." - We know 
many of you get tats because the image means a whole lot 
to you. So if you were to get a tat representing either life or 
death, what would that image be and why would you get it? 

Knowing this, we must admit we almost did not get this 
issue completed, it was definitely a collective effort, and we 
asked at the last minute our colleague Michael Kroll to share 
his thoughts and write the editorial note. Thank you Michael. 
Here's Michael on life and death...! 

These are concepts that human beings have been trying to 
understand, define — and deal with — since there have been 
human beings. The meaning of life and death has concerned 
poets and priests, philosophers and fortune-tellers, opinion 
makers and ordinary people alike. In short, all of us are 
consumed with living our lives until death takes us. 

And death takes all of us. The last words of the first 
person in the modern age put to death in California's gas 
chamber (1992) were: "You can be a king or street sweeper, 
but everybody dances with the Grim Reaper." Probably not 
original, but true. 

But when we think of death, it's usually in relation to 
others, not ourselves. When we're children, we worry about 
losing our parents. And when we're older, we pray that we 
will die before our children. In every issue of this sterling 
magazine, we read how many of you would give your lives for 
your families and loved ones. And so — especially in the wake 
of our own recent loss of someone we knew and cared for — 

we've been thinking a lot about what death leaves behind. 

A dear friend recently told us that he wished he could 
believe in God and the afterlife to help him accept and deal 
with the loss of the person that was closest to him, to comfort 
him with words like, "He's in a better place now." But the truth 
is, we can't know what death is like. 

Do the righteous live forever in Paradise? Do "bad" people 
go to hell to spend eternity with the devil? Do our souls 
migrate into the bodies of newborn babies (or animals), or do 
none of these things happen, and we simply no longer exist as 
living matter, we simply turn to dust; nothing more. 

Like we said, we can't know what death is like. But we 
can know what it does to those left behind, those required to 
bury the dead. Every death we experience changes us, and it 
changes us forever. It doesn't matter if it was your grandmother 
who died at home of heart disease or your young homie who 
was caught slipping and paid the price. It doesn't matter if 
you are the "downest" gangster on your block or the squares! 
straight-A student, when you lose someone you love, you are 
injured and in pain — and you are changed forever. 

How do we deal with this pain? Some people keep 
themselves occupied (one way or another) so that they don't 
have to think about it. Some dedicate their lives to positive 
deeds that honor the memory of the person they are mourning. 
Some strike out in anger — often at those standing nearest to 
them — to inflict the pain rather than feel it. Others strike out 
in a kind of ritualistic anger, a street code of retaliation, of 
death for death and pain for pain. 

And some — especially after being exposed to death 
repeatedly — either seal themselves off from feelings or live 
in a permanent state of rage. An Army study found that at 
least one in every eight soldiers returning from combat in Iraq 
suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but less 
than half looked for help because they didn't want to seem 
weak. And so, they began to seal themselves off. 

We say that because we read a lot of pieces in The Beat 
by writers who describe their hearts as stone, their inability 
to cry at funerals, their having no feelings for anyone. These 
are all signs of PTSD. If at least one in eight adult combat 
veterans returning from Iraq are suffering from this dangerous 
condition, how many of you, our dear writers, are acting 
or reacting in ways you find confusing and hard to control 
because you are suffering from the effects of PTSD? 

Those that seal themselves off from feelings often become 
self-destructive. They don't care about their own lives, or 
anyone beyond themselves. They don't need to justify the short 
and long-term pain they are inflicting on those who deserve 
it the least, because they are not thinking about anything or 
anyone. They are wilding out or sitting alone in a dark room. 
They are getting drunk or otherwise numbing their minds. 
They are hurting themselves. They don't care. They are hurting 
others. They don't care. They are hurting! 

And, in truth, as much as we'd like to sometimes, we can't 
take anyone's pain away. Each of us must deal with our own 
pain in our own way, but pain is the constant consequence 
of death — not to the deceased, but to the living. And every 
issue of this great magazine reminds us that you have seen 
and dealt with far too much death, and therefore far too much 

All we can offer you is an opportunity to deal with it on 
these pages. 

This issue of The Beat is not dedicated to the dead as 
much as to those left behind by death — to those still dealing 
with life. We don't want to exploit your pain, but we do want 
to offer these pages to express it in the knowledge that art 
(and writing is an art) can break through the self-destructive 
impulse, can release the rage. In art, we can begin to fill the 
emptiness of our loss through shared memory. In the written 
word, we can bring the dead to life, and perhaps in so doing, 
begin to heal ourselves. 

And it is no exaggeration to say that this last issue of 
The Beat Within for the year 2007 is full of literary art. As 
we've grown accustomed to, enough of you Beat writers who 
took these deep subjects of life and death seriously enough to 
produce another gem of a publication that we're proud to put 
our names on. 

To the living, to those who struggle every day, to those 
who fall and get up again, to those who seek the light in the 
darkness, we dedicate this issue of The Beat Within. 

^Xajblb o^f CLoH/te/h/ts 


TnC Bdtt WltnM a weekly newsletter of writing and art by 

At The Beat Within, we go through a lot of trouble to censor inapprop 
sexual remarks, foul language, and gang references. There is enough tensi< 
our commuities already-we don't aim to bolster it. It is in The Beat's inten 
promote peace and unity. Our goal is to educate one another. 

The Beat Within publishes the opinions and views expressed by the participant; 
in our workshops. This is simply the pure voice of the youth. The views yoi 
read do not necessarily reflect those of the publisher, editor or staff. All right; 
are reserved. Nothing from this publication can be reproduced without our writ 

ten permission. 

To our writers: What you write could be hazardous to you 
consequences, and could be used to incriminate you. Try 
feelings and viewpoints without running the risk of providi 
those who might use your words against you. 

Co-founders: Sand 

Senior Editors: David 

and David Inocencio 

Assistant Editors: Michael Kroll, Will Roy 

Graphics/Layout Editor: Manen Pau 

Staff: Pauline Craig, Jill Wolfson, Allan Tinker, Patrici 
Abies, Omar Turcios, Dennis Morton, Sheerly Avni, Jenn 
Bernard, Perry Jones, Tal Ariel, Margo Ariel Brockman, 
Marina Saenz, Monica Carlos, Brenda Navarro, Allan 
Velez Young, Siliva Mortenson and Neela Baneriee. 

arke, Brittany 
eth Crawford, 
lez, Morghan 

The Maricopa County, Phoenix, Arizona, Juvenile Probation Department 
Beat Staff: Joe Szulecewski, M.A., Lisa Donsker, M.C., Hillary Shluker, M.C., 
Lisa Karczewski, M.A. The detention staff are: Tammie Utter, Shannon Lech- 
ner, D. Scott Herrmann, Ph.D. Clinical Director. 

Bernalillio County, New Mexico "The Land of Enchantment" Juvenile 
Probation Department Beat Staff: Steve Serna 

Art: Much props to everyone for the great art this week. 

Spiritual Advisor: 

Special Volunteer: Nancy DeMartini 

Book Donor: Marisela Norte 

Beat Supporters: The Beat Within greatefully acknowledges the generous 
support of funders of Pacific News Service's Youth Communications Programs 
- California Arts Council, California Wellness Foundation, Christensen Fund, 
Community Foundation of Silicon Valley, Community Technology Foundation 
of California, Compton Foundation, Creative Work Fund, Cricket Island Foun- 

dation, Evelyn and Walter Haas, Jr. Fund, Ford Foundation, James Irvine Foun- 
dation, Marguerite Casey Foundation, Marin Community Foundation, Morris 
Stulsaft Foundation, Nathan Cummings Foundation, Oakland Fund for Children 
and Youth, Open Society Institute, Peninsula Community Foundation, Phil- 
anthropic Ventures Foundation, S. H. Cowell Foundation, San Francisco Arts 
Commission, San Francisco Foundation, Shinnyo-en Foundation, W Clement 
and Jessie V Stone Foundation, Stone Circles Foundation, Stuart Foundation, 
Surdna Foundation, The California Endowment, Tides Foundation, Van Loben 
Sels/Rembe Rock Foundation, Vanguard Public Foundation, Wallace Alexan- 
der Gerbode Foundation, Walter S. Johnson Foundation, Youth Justice Funding 
Collaborative, the Zellerbach Family Fund and individual donors. 

San Francisco Arts 
dation, W Clement 

; Foundation, Van Loben 
dation, Wallace Alexan- 

Writers: Thanks to all the participants in our workshops in the ! 
co, Maricopa County Arizona, Santa Clara, San Mateo, Alameda 
County New Mexico, Santa Cruz and Marin County Juvenile Halls 
any questions or comments about The Beat Within, or if you w 
become a subscriber, contact us at: 275 Ninth St. SFCA. 94103 ■ 
503-4170 or check us out at: 

Alameda 12 

San Francisco 17 

Santa Clara 20 


J^chu^mJIjcvi'.k, (2,, 



VOLUME 12.46 

An Email 

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! I wish you and all 
the Beat staff safety and moments of peace and rest 
through this busy time of the year. And then on to a new 
year with more opportunities to reach out and make a 

The following is a tribute I wrote to The Beat Within... 
all The Beat stands for and all you and all the staff 
accomplish in the lives of young people!! I was inspired 
to begin this journey with poetry by two Spoken Word 
poets-Corbet Dean and Talaam Acey. I began to write 
and I am not surprised that a thank-you to The Beat 
Within is what immerged first, as The Beat takes up a 
good portion of my heart. Ha! 

From The Beat: We are extremely honored to have this next 
writer share such a brillant poem filled with life!! Yeah, this is a 
tribute to The Beat Within publication and all the love that goes into 
doing this work. We do hope you all enjoy the following and see this 
priceless work of art in the spirit of how much joy and satisfaction 
this program gives us all. Thank you Tkaeu, a youth advocate who 
writes us from Maricopa County in Arizona. And a big thanks to all 
you counselors and advocates who step up daily in helping to raise 
awareness and improve the lives of our young people in the juvenile 

justice system. See you in 2008! 

Hope Found 

Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks... 

Pouring out self on paper, 

what is it anyone seeks 

in creating verses worth repeating? 

Could it be the sublime? 

Accepting the inevitable, 

that articulate verses and rhymes 

will flow sometimes when I least expect it, 

in the hard times, 

when the emotions I carry within 

are no longer contained. 

I surprise myself, and am surprised at the same 

in others, how in the midst of personal pain 

one can be so inspired. 

Life has often pummeled a creative soul aspiring 

to reach within for a glimpse of heaven 

that others may behold. 

I guess it stands without reason that talent will unfold 

and come to light in dark places, 

where you find hearts aching. 

Yes, there are people held in prisons 

of their own making. 

Sometimes these prisons are hard to detect. 

Others perpetrating 

incredulous acts of violence or greed 

find themselves now estimating the days 

they will have to spend behind intimidating walls. 

Their desperation found in pent up scrawls. 

Searing words stabbing paper. 

Endless verses intimating deep emotions, 

once hidden behind foul curses. 

For beaten hearts is there hope? 

The answer is found when one reads 

the words written by teens doing time. 

Hope harvested after planting seeds 

of literacy that could lift young minds out of the haze 

and challenge them to grow 

beyond limitations. In juvenile detention, 

I've seen young people come and go 

talented and intelligent, 

yet scoffing at education in school, 

eyeing authority with bravado and distrust, 

Entrepreneurs, in a sense, looking for a quick buck. 

But it's when they hear the loud clang of metal, are 

enveloped in silence and endlessly stuck 
in their own thoughts, needing a listening ear, an 

outlet for the emotions they hold back, 
that once ignored, reading and writing take on new 

meaning, relieve the boredom, and the impact 
on this captive audience is that they might just get 

hooked on the power of words 
and the relief of finding an audience for what flows 

V through their soul. So will they be heard?In 2003 

k \ -' Sk editors and writers from San Francisco, visited the 

^^ ^-r-Ji \ ^\ continued on next page 


OoioiAeiWi (2,, 



VOLUME 12. 4G 

Valley of the Sun 

and shared their vision and goal of a publication 

releasing voices in juvie hall through paper and pencil. 

The Beat Within birthed in the hearts 

of Sandy Close and David Inocencio. 

Perceiving these teenagers 

could no longer remain ignored 

Beat staff began a journey of exploration, 

because they'd been floored 

in 1996 from the intensity of emotion 

sparked by Tupac's demise. 

Now what The Beat Within attempts to create each week 

flies in the face of conventional wisdom. 

But after witnessing the grief and widespread loss 

of a generation, 

found in piece after piece, 

reflecting the heart of detained youth 

is what staff in the Bay 

strive for, releasing imprisoned minds and hearts by 

providing a way 

for young people to find themselves and to know that they 

are not alone. 

This medium of self-expression is sewn 

together with pulsating heart and sheds light on dark 


That what Beat writers have to say is sometimes 

shocking, reflects 

a view of society struggling beneath a weight 

of confusing messages of worshipping wealth and 

expressing hate 

through computerized violence. 

The rich and the famous pampering pets 

while returning from war as heroes, Iraq war vets, 

who deserve efficient, 

top-notch medical and psychiatric care 

are left instead to face the realities of Vet hospitals in 


Look into the inner cities, 

find american dreams mired in dope 

sold to make a profit at others expense. 

Wrestling addiction with sparse hope 

and limited available resources to change, 

desperate people turn to what they know. 

Work hard to achieve the american dream? 

The hardest work, though, 

seldom yields the means. 

Folks living paycheck to paycheck, 

barely making ends meet 

are one bad break away from being broke, 

homeless and begging for something to eat. 

Yet we still subscribe to have all we can, 

no matter what the cost. 

And we say the best things in life are free, while lost 

in mounting credit card debt amidst materialistic wonder. 

Facing personal lack and faceless existence, 

family's asunder, 

teens looking to belong and fit in, may find themselves 

locked up in a cell... 

sent to prison for attempting to seize heaven 

while living in hell. 

Is it any wonder these young people are confused and tell 

us they are lacking in hope, 

don't plan to live past twenty one? 

Is it possible the ruthless nature they are thrust into can 

be undone? 

We believe we can contain hate 

and strife behind barbed wires 

but I ask, instead, is there a lesson to be learned in all the 

forest fires 

engulfing homes up the coast and mountainous desert 


that it only takes a spark, 

a flame fueled by fury uncontained 

to destroy what we hold dear. Recognizing this truth 

and witnessing year in and year out proof 

in the power of the written and spoken word to give 

opportunity for expression of soul, even when to live 

is unbearable and confusing, 

a relief to know you're not alone 

in your experience and the emotional truth you own. 

I give props to The Beat Within for stepping up against 

great odds 
Year after year advocating for young men and women in 


of stone and steel, not fanning the flames 

of hate and strife, but offering answers to games 

of life played out for decades and challenging us to open 

our eyes 
and see that our youth behind bars have a voice and the 


of audacity and talent that when nurtured with time and 


may result in a positive impact on a community, may stun 

a neighborhood not with fear, 

but awe and amazement 

at what a mind can become when the pain is released and 

one bent 

on resolution and redemption, finding life not death. 

Hopefully it will spread across the nation this vision of 

releasing voices in the west. 

Stand not in the way of this tide, lest 

the overwhelmed dam of hate 

and strife break and down us all 

Finding our voices may we stand or silent we may fall. 

Don't stop writing beaten hearts, write what you can, say 

what you need to say 

Write as if your very lives depended upon it. 

Props Beat staff for each and every day 

you offer hope and a voice to beating hearts... 

hearts with lessons of life, 

resilient, the words they impart 

take flight above stone and sand. 

Hope undeniably found 

in being eagerly read... 

clearly heard... 

finally valued... 

unexpectedly profound. 

-Tkaeu, Youth Advocate, Maricopa County/Arizona 

y^m- c4rtUyou& 


VOLUME 12.46 

Through the Nights 

Through the nights I lay, 

Sometimes I pray, 

Why we do what we do, 

And live to see another day, 

But as I dream in the night, 

I feel the fight, 

The war that we live, 

The things that I did it happens again, 

But only it's a fake, 

While I'm sleep in the night, 

I feel my body shake, 

Bullets hot they burn, 

A trip to hell is earned, 

Faces hurt in the past 

Makes a nightmare last, 

It feels way too real, getting hit wit' the steel, 

But then I wake up, damn me, it's only a dream, 

I go back to sleep now I hear my lady scream 

Holdin' me in her arms 'cause I just got shot, 

It feels so real but thank God it's not, 

Why does it come to head, does God want me dead? 

Or is it a message 
to stop doing what I do before I run out of blessings, I 

really don't know, 

I'm lost alone but when death's calling, I'ma pick up 

that phone. 

-Angelo, Alameda 

From The Beat: Or, you know, since you're too good for death or jail/ 
you could just wait on that ring and let it go to voicemail. Great flow, 
Angelo. As always! 

Life Is Best 

Life is death 

Save year breath 

Life is best 

It may be your toughest test 

To survive the street 

Come through alive starting on two feet 

It's the least you can do 

Find a way to stay true 

To your homies and your momma too 

When you were young you played the foo' 

Now that gangs ta life ain't coo 

So that uncle that knew 

How to teach a youngsta like you 

That It's a matter of life or death 

Choose life and do your best 

To save your breath 

For the next generation 

Born to a life of violence and hating 

Life or death, teach 

Life is best, reach 

A higher level 

Rise, above the street plus the devil 

Didn't waste your life or lose it 

Respect life and choose it 

Find your higher mind and use it. 

-Father Time, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: It seems like you've learned some valuable lessons 
along life's highway. Have you found a way to "stay true to your homies 
and your momma too"? That sounds impossible in some situations, so 
who gets your loyalty when your boys want one thing from you and 
your momma wants another? How do you show that you respect her 
and yourself? 

even tko'mine didn't, / wanted if our dreams to come true 

The Life I Made 

this poem is to my son who's life has jus' begun 

i am your father and i feel like i let you down 

i was there when you was born, but now i'm not around 

daddy made a lot of mistakes, now i'm in jail 

i'm writin' you this poem because i messed up 

but i refuse to fail 
me and your mother were going through things 

when you was born 

things i should have let go, now my heart is torn 

i tried so hard to take care of you, 

jus' couldn't make ends meet 

i was worried about getting high 

and which girl i would see this week 

good or bad everything i did on the streets i did for you 

even tho' mine didn't, i wanted your dreams to come true 

you really don't know 

how much your birth changed my life 

the feeling i had was kind of like seeing jesus christ 

i sit in my cell thinking about you everyday 

when i get out i'm comin' for you wit' no delay 

my biggest fear is you not knowing me 

or callin' someone else daddy 

i couldn't bare the though of that 

but i can't put it past me 

i'm your father no matter what i did 

you are my baby boy, my only kid 

you are my heart, my desire, the thing i most adore 

you are my strength, my honor, and so much more 

i was caught up wit the world now i jus miss you 
if i had to die, i would jus' have to kiss you 

if you grow up and i'm not there 

jus' know that it wasn't because i didn't care 

don't make the mistakes i made, 

because your life jus' began 

i use to sit back and look at you and already know, 

you would be a better man 

so many plans i had for us to do 

those plans may be old and gone away, 

but i have plans that are brand new 

this poem is jus a small portion of how i feel 

like i said caught up in the streets now i feel like road kill 

if i continued this poem it would go on for days, 

weeks, months 

even years 

i'm not writin' this poem with my finger 

i'm writin it wit my tears 

kylon dark i love you 

i promise in all the ways i messed up 

i will make it up to you 

it feels like i've been away for so long 

i'm doin' my best i jus' ask you to hold on 

im gonna end this poem with a see ya later and good night 

love your father, reggie 

i'm gonna get back to you and everything will be alright. 

- Reggie, Land Of Enchantment 

From The Beat: It's amazing how we feel and what we truly miss when we 
end up behind bars. Your poem speaks volumes on how you feel for your 
son. Hold to your love for your son to make that change, so you'll never 
have to be away from him again. 




VOLUME 12.46 

The things I've been through lean 't 
crif about or dwell on. . . 

New Born Baby 


One beautiful morning when I realized how our father 
above puts life on this earth was when my sister Elvia 
was born. It occurred on February 9, 2002 on a chilly 
Saturday morning. 

As I walked into the hospital room after my sister was 
born I was overwhelmed, excited. The first time I laid my 
eyes on her, my dream for always wanting a sister came 
true. She was so fragile and helpless. As I held her in 
my arms for the first time I realized how life begins. She 
was a couple hours old and held on to my finger tight 
with her whole palm. I looked into her eyes and I felt a 
tear rolling down my cheek from happiness. Everything 
felt as if it was in slow motion and I never knew how 
much I could love someone after only knowing them for 
a couple minutes. 

My love for her is unconditional and it grows day by 
day. When she was born that is when I realized how life 

-Rosite, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: This is beautiful Rosite. We hope you are soon reunited 
with your sister. 

■»-—■— —™ 

Life, Not Death 

Through my 17 years on this earth I have been through 
a lot of hardships and troubles. I used to think that the 
cards that I was dealt in life was very tough and unfair, 
which made me not care about living and actually 
looking forward to death because it might be better than 
how I was living on earth. But as I got older and much 
more mature and wiser, I figured out why I was dealt 
that hand. 

The things I've been through I can't cry about or 
dwell on, just move on and try not to let my kids go 
through it. I feel I was dealt these cards because of its 
outcome and results that it gave me. I feel I have an 
old soul and wise mind because of the things I been 
through. But I say all that to say this before I knew why 
I was dealt this cards. 

I used to be wild and untamed. Be in the streets all 
night doing things that will get me put in jail for some 
years or having an early grave. My family was never in 
the picture or in my life that much. So I felt I didn't have 
much to live for. My homies and trying to get money was 
the only thing I was living for. 

But a few tragic things happened in my life which 
made me stop and look at what is going to happen in 
the next few years of my life. My girl had gotten pregnant 
and my sister just had a baby. So by them given a new 
life, it made me want to live an' see the future of my kid 
and nephew. I start going back to school and doing a lot 
of things that I had stopped doing when I didn't give a 
shhh. But now that I figured out what I am going to do in 
my life, I am going to stop doing all the things that can 
get me six feet under or behind bars. 

-Knowledge, San Francisco 

From The Beat: If you have learned to value and respect your own 
life (and the lives of others), then maybe your seventeen years of pain 
have paid off. Is that what you mean by "the results it gave me"? Keep 
your child and his (her) new cousin in your mind all the time, because 
— whether you have a wise old soul or a wise young one — we want 
to see a photo of you holding your grandchild in your arms. 

How Would Life Be? 

Life: a precious jewel 
A spirit: so soft, so warm 

like wool 

Life's challenges are hard 

Like gambling with cards 

Striving to succeed 

How would life be... 

If you lived in the 


If you weren't stubborn? 

If you just listened? 

If you were never 


If you had parents? 

If instead of envy you 

would be caring? 

If you still had that 

special person? 

If you stop cursing? 

If you never forgot what 

was love? 

If a voice finally came 

from above? 
If you were born a year 

If you admired nature? 
If you weren't in that 

place at that time? 

If only you give up that 

life of crime? 

If you never had that gun? 

If you were released in a 

If you had a lot of money? 

If you had a wifey? 
If you never had starved? 
If in your soul, hate was 

never carved? 

If there was room in your 

heart for one more love? 

If you were never shoved? 

If you seen the light? 

If you were very bright? 

If you hadn't used that 


If you had another form? 

How would life be if you 

were never born? 
-LiT Roach, San Francisco 

From The Beat: What a great 
series of questions! Now what 
would be interesting is to read 
your answers to these questions. 
You may not know all the 
answers, but we bet you know 
some of them. If any of these 
questions were true, then what? 

If I were to have a fresh start on life. I wouldn't have 
grown up too fast and messed with older people. 

I would of stayed young while I was and grew up the 
right way. 

I would have never drank alcohol with my friends 
or smoked weed with my cousin. It is all about how you 
pick and choose what you do. 

So if I could take everything back or rewind the 
hands of time because I am not really the bad person 
that my family and the world think I am. I just happened 
to be a good girl caught up with the wrong crowd. 

All the kids that are in juvenile hall are not bad, but 
don't get me wrong some need to be in here. 

The funny thing about life is that when you are 
having fun getting high and drunk, you don't think that 
you are doing anything wrong until you are in the back 
of the police car with hand cuffs on. By then you know 
that you are deeper than you can swim. 

About this time you're in the back of the police 
you're your high is screwed up and you sober up. Your 
thoughts are racing. How are you going to explain this to 
your mom? Will you run when you get to the hospital? 
How are you going to get out of this, and the main one 
for me and some others is "This whole thing just f 'd off 
my high! I am so mad." 

Lots of other thoughts, but only one those come to 
my head, when I get to the hall. I think "Damn I want to 
restart my life." 

-Rachel, Alameda 

From The Beat: It just shows how great you are at writing that by 
the time we got to the end of this piece, we felt like WE were the 
ones cuffed in the back seat of a police car. Its a trip though, how 
when you're high, the only thing that matters is that... even though 

we wanted to INVENT a way to make people throw their lives away, 
we couldn't do better than what's already out there on the street! 
Awesome piece. 

Life in A Cheetah's Eye 

I am a cheetah in this world, don't you tell me I'm not, 
I ran through the lost jungles of Cambodia , 100 degrees 

I know what I am, I know what I'm here for, 
I'm here to get rich and take care of my family, and stay 
away from being poor, 

Back in my country kids die from starvation, 
In America young people get killed, from 
them haters, 

Every time on our New Years we go to 

Stockton to have fun, 
But when the crips and bloods show up, they end 

Up talking with their guns, 

Cambodians are troubled, not because our race, 
We start wars with each other, and that 
Develops hate, 

My life story is like numbers, it has no end, 
I have so much to say, it just can't be written in 


Guerrillas, invaded my jungles, Back in 1976, 
Viet-congs, Khmer Rouges and others, not equal 
One fought wit' sticks, 

During the war, my country experienced a 

National blood- bath, 
I still wonder what made the communist leader 
Pol Pot kill more than half, 

Viet Congs often ran to Cambodia to avoid being 

Americans bombed the Ho Chi Minh trail, over 200 
Battles were fought, 


This Life 

Life is beautiful 

life is a blessing. 

I am a mother of a 21-month-old child. 

The day that I gave birth to my daughter 

Which was the greatest experience in my life. 

I couldn't explain in words how good of a feeling it is 

to deliver a newborn child, 

a child of God into this world. 

It hurts because this world is so 'jacked' up these days, 

so full of drugs and violence. 

It hurts me the most because I am addicted to drugs, 

I can't care for a child when I can't even care for my 


I pray for a better life, for less drugs, less violence, 

strength within my self to quit using and hope 

that the future will be better and my daughter 

won't have to go through what I have. 

- Desiree, Land Of Enchantment 

From The Beat: You have made the hardest step forward for most 
attics, and that's accepting that you are an addict. Now take the next 
step in getting the help you need to fight your addiction. Think of 
your daughter, and ask yourself, what is more important, your high 
or your daughter. 

That war scarred my country, for well over 

Three decades, 
Many people are still lost, they can't figure out ways 
To get paid, 

The Capital Phnom Penh was forced to evacuate 

Communist soldiers were comin' 
When they got the word, they immediately left in 

the jungles to go runnin', 
When thoughts of the war comes to mind, they 

are oh so deep, 
Pol Pot ended up suffering, but it's sad that he 
died in his sleep, 

My family moved to the United States to start 

A better life, 
Male cousins go back to the country marrying family, 
Members pretending it's their wife, 

Don't get lost in my journey. This wasn't ... an 

Ordinary dream, 
Kids were shooting adults, it was a nightmare 

You'll probably think I'm a troubled kid if you 

Look into my eyes, 
If so read these poems I write, it will give you a different 
set of mind. 

-Lil' Mang, Last Of A Dying Breed, Alameda 

From The Beat: Wow, this poem is incredible, thank you for educating, 
sharing, teaching, and inspiring us with this lyric of Cambodian pride, 
drenched in blood, drenched in hope and history. But now, as you say, 
you are the future of all this struggle, you can decide: Will I carry on the 
hopes and dreams of my countrymen and ancestors? Or will I get diverted 
from my path by a series of American gang wars (think about it — crips and 
bloods are a 40 year old enmity from Los Angeles... Even their founders 
are against those gangs now. What is that, compared with the pride and 
struggle of your heritage? A bloody detour, a dead end side street. You 
have a bigger and better destiny, as this remarkable poem shows. 

Removing My Life Or Death Tattoo 

Today's topics are life, death, and tattoo's representing life, 
or death. I have tattoo's on my face and neck and they are 
gang related. 

I think they represent death for me because it put me 
out there on the spot and a rival gang member can see my 
tattoo's from a mile away. They can easily pull a gun out 
and blow my brains out. It can happen while I'm walking 
to the store, home, or to school. It can happen anytime, 
anywhere. This is why I chose to get my tattoo's removed, 
before It's too late. 

I wonder everyday where I would be at 5 years from 
now, if I kept my tattoos. I often think I will be in CYA or on 
my way to Pelican Bay, or in a grave. 

I always think of what could happen if I change and do 

right. I look into the future and I see myself graduating high 

school, getting a college degree getting married and having 

some kids of my own. I see a lot of positive outcomes on 

getting my tattooes removed and changing my style for the 

better. I just pray and ask God for the strength to do this 

everyday. I just hope that my dreams come true. And I'm 

willing to do whatever it takes to do good in life. 

-Lil' Los, Alameda 
From The Beat: We hope that you do get your tattoos removed because 
we don't wanna hear about anything happening to you. It does take 
a lot of strength and determination to try to do good in life. But as 
long as you stay positive and have good intentions, good things will 

^^P^Wy drtSU^k)^ 


VOLUME 12.41 

A Fight For Her Life: To Be Continued 

It's this girl I know so lonely and home sick 

She got beat with some sticks 

Left in a alley for dead 

So fought for life but she was out numbered by four 

Walking home from school didn't know what was in 


A car follows next thing you know they're dragging her 

as if it was cool 

She screams, kicks, and fights, not knowin' what to do 

Tryin' to get away with all her might 

No one seen the hatred in her eyes or did they even 


cryin help no one was there 

They raped her for seven days and seven nights 

Drugged up she couldn't see the light 

all she saw were dark shadows surrounding screams 

and shouts 

No one would or could help out 

This little girl will be found dead no doubt 

All she can do is pray, pray that she'll get away 

Pray for all her might., but right now she's in the dark 

Putting up a fight 

....for her life... 

-Tayana, Alameda 

From The Beat: We hoped and prayed, reading this horrifying but 
beautifully written poem, that you were speaking about a metaphor, 
a story you'd heard, or something from your imagination. No human 
being should ever have to suffer this kind of pain and fear. If it was 
you - then we can only say that your continued positivity, strength, 
and talent in these pages is a true inspiration. If it was not you, then 
we still applaud your dark poets imagination. 

My life is fea- 

My life is tears 

My life is funerals 

My life is money 

By any means 

My life is cars 

My life is hard times and good times 

My life is stayin' up to date. 

-Lonnie, Alameda 

From The Beat: Your life is all these things - but its also hope (because 
you are trying to make real changes in camp), and adulthood las you 
come up on 18) and of course, love - because you have people you 
truly love waiting for you on the outs. When we think of you, we also 
think of pride, because you carry yourself with such pride. 

No one would or could help out 

This little girl will 

he found dead ho doubt 

All she can do Is pray, pray that 

shelf get a waif 


W^SS^^SSSsit &$> mis 


Life Is Funny 

When I think of life, I think of how funny it is, how 
one moment you think your in control, everything is 
going right and nothing is gonna stop you... and then 
life throws a curve ball at you and your dreams go sky 

1 rocketing to a chasm of death. 
Life is funny. When I think of life, I think of all the 
good times I had and how they went sour with such 
a quickness, how I got locked up for doing the right 

Life is hilarious. When I think of life, I think of how 
many years I have lived in such a short time, and how 
my dreams are coming to me In spite of it. 

Life's a joke. When I think about life, I look back on 
my pain and laugh, and look at the future and tremble. 

When I think of life, I think of myself and what I have 
to give and what others have to offer. 

Life's a trip, because it happens all around you, it's 
one big thing that orchestrates itself like a play, it's a 
hocus pocus of staying ahead of the game and doing the 
right thing. 

Life's funny, 'cause I did the right thing and got 
locked up. 

-Dawn, Alameda 

From The Beat: Life's funny, because you never know if something is 
bad or good until some time has passed. For example, its a bad thing 
that you got locked up, right? But if you hadn't gotten locked up, 
would you have had the chance to write this great, great, great piece, 
that made us laugh and shake our heads at the same time? Maybe 
being in here is keeping you from something else? Maybe that's the 
secret to life that you uncover here - it's a complete mystery, and we 
don't even always know if we're up or down or coming back around! 

My life is something I value, n 

people that care about me like family or friends that lo\ 
me like a bro or sis. I got rats coming from under rn, 
fridge but I can't let it end me or just jump on a chair. I 
have to fight and do what I can to live, go to school and 
get a job, cause if you're stuck up on that chair, scared 
of the rats that can chew you from limb to limb, where 
you gonna end up? Back on the floor, where you started, 
but you might not have your life. So I'm gonna get off 
and get them with every chance I get stomping them out 
so I can live. Do what I can do, you feel me? 

-D, Santa < 

From The Beat: Wow, this is actually a really brilliant metaphor for life 
and struggling. What do you do? Fight the rats that are coming for 
you or stay paralyzed on the chair? I wonder, is there another option? 
Did you ever see that movie 'The Secret of NIMH" about these rats 
that were used in experiments so they learned to read and escaped 
from a lab and stole electricity? Anyway, perhaps one can reason with 
a rat? Or use one's intelligence instead of always going for the violent 
way to survive? 

^^Puwy oltUlXlub 


VOLUME 12.46 


Que-vo Beat, it's your homie Smokey from Hayward still 
in these ALACO walls. I still got 227 more days left. I 
just want to drop a little line to you. 

To me life is like a dice game I'm either hittin' 7 
or 11 and waitin' for the day to crap out, 'cause I'll be 
ready to take that ride. But then again life is precious 
but you got to live it to the fullest fulfill your dreams but 
at the same time take chances find love, feel anger, have 
depression whatever it is bad or good live it cause you 
only live once. 

I wasted several years going in and out of jail but 
since 10 years old I've been gang banging I've seen and 
done a lot. I have a daughter. I've lived this life, but now 
I got to be a man! I have to change for that little girl I 
have to change for my own well being. 

-Smokey, Alameda 

From The Beat: Que-vo Smokey!? How are you feeling? Are you ready 
to change? Man that is a big step. It is very important that your 
daughter has her daddy around. How are you gonna go about your 
business? Are you prepared to ignore all the pressure you will get from 
your homies for not kicking it? How hard is it going to be for you? 

The Unspoken 


Jade's My Life 

The life I choose is with my sister Jade because she will 
stick by me no matter what. The first day I heard her 
tell me I love you was a shocking day. I couldn't believe 
what I heard. I tell her to stay in school and don't get in 
trouble. I help her with her homework and make sure 
she eats and get ready for bed. I always make sure she 
stays out of trouble and ask her how her day was. She's 
my life my little sister who I love a lot. I make sure she 
stays on track and not off like me. 

I didn't grow up having someone tell me right from 
wrong so I make sure she know right from wrong. I 
spend time with her because no one did that with me 
when I was little. So I give my sister what I never got 
when I was young. 

-Giovanni, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: That's very sweet of you to look out for your little 
sister. You are a very good brother and your sister should be lucky 
to have you as a brother and vice versa. You should really stay outta 
the halls so you can do what you were doing, and take care of your 


ake Life Serious. 

Life and death is a trip. We can experieno 
time in your life from the day you are born. You never 
know when your time will come. But you do know how 
to have control of your life. 

Every breath you take, every step you make wil 
an effect on your life. Me personally have witnessed life 
and death. I've seen death with my own eyes and seen 
someone take their last breath. It's no joke because 
nobody knows what's in the afterlife. 

Life is something we have to take seriously because 
you never know when your time will come. That's why we 
have to enjoy, enjoy every moment of it and appreciate 
life and not take if for granted. So live life to the fullest, 
but remember, the life you'll live tomorrow. 

-Lil' Hush, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: We agree with you that life is something we should 

take seriously, since its the only one we've got. What do you imagine 

the afterlife is like? Do you believe that the way you live your life 

here determines the way you will live in the after 

Life is getting hectic 

Locked behind a jail cell 

Boe ain't living well 

Can't even post bail 

Its ugly 

Man demons bug me 

Ninjas think they hard so they try to mug me 

I'm going insane in my brain 

Like Rick James walking through the shadow of death 

I feel no pain, ninjas might not understand 

But I got my own plan and it's tucked in my waistband 

Man, man damn that's all I could say 

Until I see a new day 

One day I'm gonna do me 

Get out this jail 

Stop being a Juvie 

Fo' I get smoked like a doobie 

Yeah I'm gonna do me 

I'm gonna show ya 

Two glocks in a hosta 

Not doing what I was posta 

Bussin' ninjas make 'em looked just like postas 

Yeah postas just like I said high rollas 

Folgers feel like I'm blocked in by these walls 

One jaw 

What should I do? 

Turn to them or you 

Can't trust neither cause everybody loud like speakers 

Why you think we love our heaters 

Got weight up on my shoulders 

Get knocked down by boulders 

Covered in four leaf clovers 

No wishes, they still bitchin' 

And you wonder why they still snitchin' 

Kids growin' up in the world and gonna feel this shhh 

They gone mess around and try to do this shh 

I refuse to let my little brother go down da wrong road 

I want my lil brothers to be like a king tucked in gold 

real talk 

Get outta line the banger gone spark 

So chalk this one up right here up as a lost heart 


Heart swollen 

You ain't hear this from me it's the unspoken. 

-Boe, Alameda 

From The Beat: It aint unspoken now that you have spoke! Nice 
writing. But why do you feel like you have to keep yo' thang tucked 
on yo' waistband all day? You want your little brother tucked in gold? 
How are you gonna get that gold? Are you gonna go the grimey way? 
Or are you gonna get a job, and work for it? If you get caught getting 
it the wrong way, would that gold be worth it. Is it worth risking 
your life for a gold grill, a gold chain, a gold bracelet? Are those 
materialistic things so important that its worth risking your life? 

A Special Li 

The life I value is my dad's. He would do a 
has been my strongest supporter. The problem is that I hardly 
ever treat him with respect, which is all he asks for. To treat him 
with respect would be the least I could do when I owe everything 
to him. He's not sick or anything, but I'm worried he's gonna be 
gone before I get to give him the respect he deserves. 
So, dad I know I've been wrong. This ones for you. 

-Friend Of Him, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: You've said what must be done better than we could. If 

all your father asks of you is basic respect — and he has stood by you 

and supported you — then don't waste any more time disrespecting 

him. As you've said so well, he deserves much better from you! 

^^Puwy oltUlXlub 


VOLUME 12.46 

.at I've Gaine 

y utmost love and resp« 
my words. 

Now as I get to this topic let me advise 
what you're about to read is strictly from one man's 
perspective. The life that I value is my own because no 
one will make your most critical decisions in your life. If 
you don't value your own life, then what exactly are you 
living for? Life is priceless, the value is too high a price 
to pay and so it is such, it should be cherished. If I had 
a fresh start I would repeat my doings the exact same 
way I have already done. I would do so because if I would 
change my past, I would have no clue of the outcome 
and my current knowledge. 

Have I been close to a newborn? Sure, I love kids, 
they are very innocent and naive to mankind's faults. The 
life I choose is the life I already live. I already endured a 
great deal. I would risk my life for another and that other 
is my older sister. I'd save her life because she was the 
first one who actually believed in me despite my flaws. 
My favorite birthday would have to be my mother's. I 
love her dearly and without her I'd be non-existent. I 
have loved another other than immediate family and 
the outcome is still unclear. But love is always going 
to contain these major parts: joy, grief and experience. 
Love and life go hand and hand but always be ready for 
grief and the unexpected. Life is one thing no one has 
mastered, but being educated can prepare you in the 
near future. 

I now end this with my identical intentions as I first 
stated in this piece. With that said I'm out for now. Stay 
educating ya' selves. 

-Educated Gangster, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: You cover a lot of topics in your piece. Sounds like you 

have learned a lot in your short time here on earth — can you imagine 

what else you have to learn during the next several decades? 

She's The One 

The person that I love instead of my family is a girl. 
The first time I met her was in 8th grade. She's a good 
person and she gets good grades. The reason why I fell 
in love with her is because of her personality. She used 
to always help me with my school work so I would be 
able to pass my class. 

Now she is in the 10th grade and she is attending 
Burton H.S The last time I seen her was about a week 
ago at the football game. Other than that I haven't seen 
her for two years. 

Now I'm in juvenile hall and I'm not able to tell her 
how I feel about her. If I could get a hold of her I will tell 
her how I feel about her. This is how I feel about her: I 
will protect her from any harm; I will risk my life for her; 
and I will never lie to her. 

What I see in her when I think about her is fresh 
air. When I think about her smell, birds, flowers and a 
beautiful day when I think about her beauty. When I get 
mad I just think about all the things I used to do with 
her to calm me down. It's like she blinds my eye sight 
with her beauty. 

She is the light I see when I need to find my way out 
of this darkness place I'm in. I'm only fifteen years old, 
but I'm in love. Yes I am, and I'm not afraid to admit it. 
Some people say that I'm too young to be in love, but I 
don't agree with them because what I'm feeling for her, 
I know that this is love. No one — I mean no one — is 
going to get in my way for what I feel about her. 

-That O Boy, Alameda 

From The Beat: We love that you included so many details to describe 

your feelings for this person you love. Our only question is why you 

would risk losing someone so wonderful by doing whatever it was 

that let them take you from her... 

Peace... Can t Live Without It 

If I get a tattoo to represent life and death, it would] 
a image, it would be statement. It will say, "Peace — you 
can live in it or you can rest in it." That's what I would 
get to represent life and death because that's a powerful 
thing to get. 

-Acie, San Francisco 

From The Beat: That is a powerful statement. Did you read it, hear it, 
or make it up? Its true, though, unless we can find a way to live in 
peace, we'll rest in peace. 

M ini 

Being close to a n~..~ v *« _ WJ ^ „„^ «™.™. 

When I had my baby it gave me a new life, 
feeling is like paradise, and it makes you feel different. 
It makes you feel peaceful and happy. It makes you feel 
like a new person, like you were born again. And that 
makes you feel great about yourself and that newborn 

My tattoo for life would be hands holding a baby 
toward the sky like in lion king because I want to get 
that on me. It expresses me and my child and how my 
life has changed!!! 

-Balencia, Alameda 

From The Beat: Thank you for the joy and hope you share in this piece. 


We'd love to see that tattoo. 

you continue 

to live with this peace and determination. What kinds of concrete 
changes will you have to make, to let this new you shine through? 

I'm Thankful To Wake Up Every Morning 

Thinking about how to do better myself. Also finding 
new ways to deal with situations. How to keep myself out 
of trouble, such as new hobbies. I learn to think before I 
do. Because the decision I made put me in Juvenile Hall. 
I think twice before I respond, 'cause I love my freedom. 
And I know this place isn't for me. I know I'm a highly 
intelligent kid. The decision in the past wasn't right. 

Now I learned my lesson and I never want to put 
myself back in Juvenile Hall. I learned that I took my 
freedom for granted. Juvenile Hall makes me realize I 
need to focus more on school. 


From The Beat: You know the old saying, "Every cloud has a silver 
lining?" It means that even hard a- reality checks and lessons, like 
doing time in the Hall, can give you new ideas of how to live your life 
and enjoy your freedom. School can help! 

.at Life Me 


Life is something you are given. It's nc 
can be taken whenever. Life is like a job you have to do 
things to make your life the way you want it to be. Life 
is what you make of it, not what it makes of you. Life is 
more important than money but some think money is 
more important than life and by the time they realize 
it's too late. 

Your life is a blessing think about all the babies that 
did not make it because of abortions miscarriage and 
babies dying before they made it. Think of all the boys 
and girls you kill when you nut in a condom or in a 
female's mouth. Think if your dad would have done the 
same thing a couple more times you may have not been 
here but instead on some chest in her mouth or between 
her thigh. Each and every one is here for a reason cause 
if not you would not be here. Life is given make the best 
of it cause there were a lot of sperm cells that would 


From The Beat: You make some interesting points. We're all here on 
Earth for some reason. We should make the best out of our time here 
on Earth. We should all realize that no matter how hard life may seem 
it is precious. Not everyone gets the opportunity to live it. 

ffl College Degree In My Life 
One thing I'd like to accomplish in life is to get a college 
degree. I'd like to get a college degree to make my family 
happy and to show the people that doubted me that I can 
do something positive. 
If you get a college degree, then you open up a lot 
of opportunities for yourself instead of limiting your 
possibilities. You can get a good job and make the type 
of money that you see people making on T.V. With a good 
degree you can do anything you want and help others in 
need. If I do make it to college, I like to major in music. 
But I think my down-fall is going to be the decisions 
that I've made to get me in the situations I'm in now. But 
I plan on getting there one day. 

-LIT Mikey 

From The Beat: You are realistic about the fact that you have some 
work to do to get through your sentence and to gain the trust of your 
family again, but you also have dreams for yourself! Please show this 
piece to your P.O. so that he or she can help you get back into school 
and on the right track. You deserve support as you pursue your goals. 
We wish you luck and hope you will stay in touch with The Beat. 

Hear My Cry 

In this room I feel so alone 
Thinking about all the fun times I had at home 

I'm locked up but my mind is free 

This room is so little like a human sized cage 

Someplace I can take out my anger and rage 

Sometimes I feel stressed out 

I can't wait until the day they let me out 

I can't wait to see the outside 

I'm callin' can you hear my cry 

My cry is not a cry with tears 

It's a cry from the mind 

I think about the choices I made all the time 

The past is the past it's done now 

I try hard to turn my frown to a smile everything I'm 

saying is no lie 

I'm calling can you please hear my cry 

-Young Mari 

From The Beat: We hear your cry. You can tell us anything that you are 
feeling inside. The past is done and you don't have to keep thinking 
about the choices you made all the time. Just learn from the mistakes 
you made. Keep your head up and move on. You can't be dwelling on 
the past. You can start all over, and make some wiser decisions. 

Value Life!! 

I value my mom life because she is always there fc 
and she gave me birth. The first new born I was close t( 
was my niece. That experience was good. If I was to havi 
a fresh start I would listen more to my mom. 

If I was able to choose the life I want I would uc 
better son, brother, sister, uncle, and boyfriend. I woul< 
risk my life for my mom because she has always " 
there for me and I would give her my life to save he 

My favorite day is my birthday. I loved my mom the 
most because she is always there for me. The person I 
love besides my mom is my girlfriend and it turned out 


From The Beat: That's very sweet of you to value your mom's life like 
that. You also mentioned that if you were able to choose the life, you 
would be a better son, brother, sister, uncle and boyfriend. What's 
stopping you from becoming a better brother, sister, boyfriend, etc. Is 
it the halls? You can start a new life once you get out and be a better 
person period. 


Life & Death 

When I hear the word death I think about myself, about 
the things I been through. I think of myself as a cat with 
nine lives at the same time like a dog that's past through 
ruff times. 

-Cat Dog Show 

From The Beat: You shouldn't think of yourself as a cat with 
because in reality you only have one. You might have been through 
rough times, and all but you gotta keep striving. 

Representing Either Life Or Death 

When I got my first tattoo I was just 15 and it ' 
cousin after he past away. He was shot down by a cop. 
Yeah, I was hurt and all but I just had to suck it up and 
bear with it. I loved my cousin to death but someone had 
to take his life. 

-Lil' Dave 

From The Beat: We're very sorry to hear about your cousin. Why was 
your cousin shot? What do you think made the cop feel like he had to 
draw his gun and shoot your cousin? What do you think goes through 
anyone's mind before they take someone's life. Nobody thinks about 
all the lives they will affect. 


PAG 3 


VOLUME 12.46 


The System Can't Play This Life Of Mine! 

My name is Mario I am a detainee at alameda county 
juvenile hall. This new building is so not fit for human 
that I cant explain this. It's made for a animal but I'm 
the one who made a bad decision to commit crime and 
be brought here. 

Since I've been here I've been doing a lot of reading. 
I've been reading about all the rights that I had on the 
streets. All of them rights don't apply now. 

And just to mention, my PO doesn't even know me 
and she thinks she got me all figured out from reading 
about my past. 

Everybody can change and I've only had two chances. 
I failed the test so they feel I should be put who knows 
where. But I'm gonna beat this system and CYA is a set 
up cause if you're not with a group your gonna be a 
victim cause if you're not gonna be part of any group. 

And when your with a group if they fight you fight 
and if you don't fight your gonna be labeled a coward. 
So if each fight is six months longer you have to do 
their main objective is to keep you there longer 'cause if 
nobody's there they wouldn't get paid. 

See I know what they're doing I'm gonna keep the 
revolution going I'm gonna beat this system by being 
a person who knows what's going on. And there's no 
liberty and justice for all. 

I found the hard way and the president sends people 
to Iraq to fight over oil but it's a problem here. It's a fight 
over turf. He doesn't care about Oakland he only cares 
about his neighborhood. If it was happening in his area 
it would be serious, but teenagers killing each other in 
Oakland don't matter. 

-Young Mari 

From The Beat: We're gonna start off by saying that the system can 
play you in many ways. We're not trying to say that you are gonna 
be trapped in there and you can't escape it. But don't ever think you 
can out beat the system while you are still incarcerated. First get 
out of jail, and then talk about beating the system. And your right, 
the President probably doesn't give a damn about teenagers killing 
teenagers in Oakland. But how can you expect someone else that's not 
from your city to care, when the same people from YOUR CITY don't 
give a damn. Personally, it's not somebody else's job to be worrying 
about your city. The people from OAKLAND gotta care about the 
other people from OAKLAND in order for other people to care. 

" Baby Girl - Another Reason to Live 

How I felt when my baby girl was born. It gave me a real 
warm feeling in my heart to be there and watch my baby 
be born. It felt real good to hold her. It made me feel one 
more step closer to being a man. 

It made me have another reason to live in this crazy 

-LIT Ju Ju 

From The Beat: This is inspiring to hear, and meaningful too. We hope 
for better days for you and your family and your beloved daughter 
in 2008! Peace. 

My Tatts 

Gone get that skull head 

Tatted up on my back wit' fire in his eyes' 

Burnin' for eternal life or death I ain't cocky but I'm 


So when you tell that I'm bad 

I take it as a compliment 

This is what I meant 

I'm a bad man 

Plus you know that I'm a charm under the skull head 

I got grandmother up on my arm now that's my charm 

And my charm gets all my respect 

Then I got my mom and my sister name up on my neck 

Now that's a fact now that's two tattoos 

I'ma looking good 

Rocking my jewels on my life 

The only way I'm gonna get my beezy name if she my 


After that I get my cousin Charles 

Next to the skull head 

Which represents the 7th ward (New Orleans). 


From The Beat: Do you have to be a bad man to have tattoos? Do 
you think that tattoos are only for hardcore people? Why do you ink 
yourself up? 

If I was to have a fresh start I would start at my house 
would clean up my act up around the house I would sta 
off the streets and I would not fight. 

From The Beat: Well you can have a fresh start when you gc 
What's stopping you? Your time is now. You already misse 
opportunity. Don't miss it again. 


Pictures of my life flashing in my head 
Am I gone make it or am I gone end up dead 
I got to start thinking 
No time for blinking 
Got to make a move 
You don't know me 'till you walked an hour in i 
Don't take a day to feel my pain 
And not even the strongest umbrella could stop i 
It's hard to decide what's real and what's a drea 
Who's against you and who's on your team 

-This life 

From The Beat: These thoughts in your head seem to be a bit confusing. 
We can't walk in your shoes for lOminutess because they might not 
fit. We can only understand you by what you tell us and how v 
you act. You might not be able to walk 5minutes in our shoes because 
they might not fit you. You need to know that the people on your side 
and on your team are the people that love you that don't wanna see 
you go to jail or do bad. 

Life For My Family 

I'll risk my life for my mom and dad because they did 
everything to take care of me. First, respect to my mom 
or carrying me in her stomach for nine months and 
when she was trying to push me out and popped her 
eardrum I'm sorry that she did that but she had to. 


From The Beat: We are glad to hear that you respect your parents. 

Don't apologize for being born shh happens. Apologize for coming 

here. Get out and tell her how much you love her. 

Risking My Life 

If a had to risk my life for someone I would risk my life 
for my moms life because I love her so much I'll kill 
myself in front of a car for her or anything. The end. 


From The Beat: That's sweet but we don't think your mama would 
want you to kill yourself. 



An Unreal Life 

Being locked up is like a nut hell 

Like ten crazy females at a shoe sale 

My life is unreal like a folk tale 

I'm a messenger something like a middleman 

I got feelings like the old school 50's milkman 

I'm in jail waitin' for this time he to pass me by 

About two weeks ago I was feelin like I wanted to die 

Forget what you talking bout and where you from 

ninjas talking that talk Sayin' they on one but can't 

walk that walk. 

-Slick Rick Da Rula 

From The Beat: You in jail waitin for time to pass you by?! Why don't 
you quit waiting for time to pass you up, and why don't you pass up 
time. Make something useful out of your stay here. Hustlas don't just 
sit there and wait for the money, they go hustle and get it. 


The Love Of My Life 

The person that I love the most is my mom because she 
takes care of me. She is the one who gave me birth and 
took me to school everyday and on time. As I sit in jail 
she comes to visit me every visit day and she comes to 
all of my court days. She feeds me when I am at home 
and she supports my goals and all my dreams. She also 
buys me clothes and puts a roof over my head and keep 
me healthy as I wanna be. That is why I love my mom so 
much because she teaches me to love life. 


From The Beat: Sounds like you have a beautiful mom. You're very 
lucky. Wouldn't you rather be at home eating your mamas cooking 
instead? Get outta here, go home, and show your mama how much 
you love her by not coming back. 


I value my good mom, dad and family because they _ 
a lot for me and took care of me that the only people 
can trust. 

To me life is a lot the two people life with the moi 
to me is my mom and dad in this world rite now. 

When I get out of jail I'm gone have a new staL 
like a newborn baby I'm going to go to school and stop 
smoking, drinking, and doing bad thing I'm gone try my 
hardest to not come back here ever. 

I'll choose the good life like Kanye West and T- Pain 
said the rich life. I'll rap, have everything I want and give 
my family any thing they want too. 


From The Beat: We're glad to hear that you value your family. But you 
don't have to rap to give them everything. You can have a job and still 
give your family the most important thing, and that's love. 

Life Tn The Fulles. 

My Life, My Heart, My Soul 

When I found out that I had a baby on the way, I was real 
excited and scared at the same time. But man, I am mad 
'cause I ain't there with my baby mama to support her 
and be there... but at the end I know it's good, 'cause I 
am gonna be there when she's born. 

Man "God Bless" Jada ... man now she's my life, my 
heart and my soul... 

-Daddy's Lil Girl Young Jada 

From The Beat: Heart, life, soul, these are the three things that matter 
most in the world. This little girl is going to love you forever. And 
you her. This love and responsibility, which you shared with us in 
workshop last week, is a bright light in a world that might feel dark 
at times. Thank you for sharing it with us. 

Lucky in Life 

Life. What is life? 

Life is the experience I process that we all go through. 

Some of us value life enough to wanna live it. 

Others wish they were never born. 

Me, personally, I ain't got nothing to say- just that I'm 

fortunate to be here. I'm lucky to still have most of my 

loved ones alive. 

Lucky to have a girl that really loves me. 


From The Beat: Its so easy to "count our curses" and think on all that 
is going badly in our lives, but this piece gives us all a kick where we 
need it, to remind us that we must count our blessings, and remember 
how lucky we truly are. Thank you! 

I live this life. I got into something that I 
have, but now that I'm in this life - 1 can't ao it. i live my 
life one day at a time. I have this saying " live life to the 
fullest" 'cause that's how I feel. 

I know that I can't stop 'cause I tried it but I ai 
end up doing the same thing. The block seems to call 
me when I'm not turfing it. 

I'm so used to it that I decided that - that's how I'ma 
live it even though I ain't got no choice. 

We're all gonna die, right? So when my time comes, 
it comes. 


From The Beat: Is this truly living life to the fullest? With all the 
possibilities for love, growth, self-respect, and freedom that a full life 
requires? The block calls you, but when you look at all the people 
who have heeded that call, how many have been killed, arrested, or 
changed and destroyed in other ways by block living. Other things 
call to you too right? Your dreams, your hopes, your love for your 
family. Do you also heed those calls? 

Still Here 

What's up Beat! Yeah, still here, waiting to get out. Man 
I am tired of being here. Hope I get out soon. Man, I am 
mad because they don't let me out, but I called my P O 
and told her that my mom already had the papers. So 
I sure was gonna call my mom, but I don't know what 
happen, man I'm just waiting to get out to start a new 

If I get a tattoo of the two hands of god and put a 
rosary and put my sister name because I really love her 
and I miss her. She was killed. 


From The Beat: We are so sorry about the death of your sister. We 
hope that you do get out, and stay out. You've been in the hall for a 
long time now. 

Death Is A New Life 

When I think of death, I think of closing my eyes for a 
split second and then opening them on a new life. 

I agree with The Beat that living on the edge is selling 
drugs and packing guns. In my opinion, that leads to a 
quick death. And funerals, I learned that they bring out 
the real you - and also the best in you. 

-Young Voice 

From The Beat: It sounds like this happened to you - did you go to 
a funeral where, even though they were hurting and going through 
a terrible time, people were also showing the best and truest in 


PAG 15 


VOLUME 12.46 


Death and Stress 

Death. When I hear the word 'death,' I think the world 
is coming to an end, 'cause I lost so many people in my 
family, it's not even funny. 

Like now I'm kind of stressed out 'cause my great- 
great grandmother is really really sick right now. When 
I talked to her daughter, which is my great grandmother, 
she told me that she was throwing up blood and stuff 
like that. 

So I'm stressed out that I'm not there with her. I just 
lost my grandfather last year. It's just making me do all 
this s*** 

I've been to jail three times this year, and I don't 
know what to do no more. Well today I got a wake up call 
from the judge. She said if I don't do right she gon' send 
me to CYA. So I'm goin' to stay at my placement that I'm 
going to, so I can get my life together. 

I want to be well educated in my future go to college 
and work with kids autistic kids and make my world, my 
pride and joy. That song "Mama" by Boyz 2 Men reminds 
me of her. I'm goin' to dig this up like a rose, alright. 

-Young Quezy 

From The Beat: This piece starts on sorrow and ends on hope and 
determination. You have lost so many people that supported you 
and loved you, it seems like now its time to reach out and find more 
support. The positive kind, not the kind you find in the streets. What 
does that mean? Well, staff you trust, programs that help, poems that 
inspire you, and, we hope, more and more writing your thoughts and 
feelings down on paper, the one place where if you choose to you can 
be totally free. 

The Life I Wanted To Live 

When I was younger in elementary, and some of middle 
school I never thought that I was going to end up where 
I am now. When I was younger I had dreams of being a 
basketball player of being rich going to college, I still 
can go to college but anyway, everything was crushed 
when I first went down for something I didn't do. 

Then I was introduced to hittin' licks, getting money, 
buying cars from that point on I knew this was the life I 
wanted to live. So I caught my first case and I said I ain't 
never doin nothin to get me back here... But we all say 

So I came back and it was like a revolving door. I 
stopped playin' hoops started smokin' grapes, sippin' 
bo' ' pills, all this at like fourteen years old.. But still I'm 
seventeen, one month from eighteen, and my life still 
ain't over. 

So I still got time to turn my life around and do the 
rite thing so I can live life at. No worries. 


From The Beat: We hope you do change your life around, because 
what you've been doing in this revolving door is running in place, not 
running forward. You deserve a life where you can be moving forward. 

for real. 

If I Got To Choose The Life I Wante 

If I got to choose my life, my mother and father wou 
have been in it. If I got to choose my life, I would of nev 
been raped and beaten for 10 years. 

If I got to choose my life, I would never put my; 
the system 

If I got to choose my life, I would have lost da lo 
and da trust of my love one 

If I got to choose my life I wouldn't have the cold 
heart I have today, locked up, not knowing if da people 
that say they love me are going to turn their backs on 

It's sad never having my real family around, 
would have been if I got to choose my life. 

- DayD 

From The Beat: If we could have chosen your life we'd have cho 
these better things for you too - and it's heart breaking to think of 
what you've already been through. But now comes the twist: You can't 
pick what happens, but you can choose how to deal with it, what to 
do with it, whether to go to the streets or whether to go to school, 
whether to move towards positive or negative thinking. Your past 
chose you, but you choose your future. What's it going to be? 


The Deaths in My Life 

Death is like I don't know. 

Me I have been miscarriage, my grandma and 
grandpa had passed away. I lost one child, and lost two 
grandparents. Death in life is like very painful, and I 
don't know what could happen, but hurtful things. 

I love my baby daddy so much. What I can do in life 
is change whateva what I'm going through. 


From The Beat: Yes, there is still time to make your life good. What 
would you need, what are your dreams in life? What kind of job do 
you want? Where do you want to go to school? Once you answer these 
questions, do you think it 

APartof Yoo Dies in Jail 

When they put you in jail 

A part of you dies 

Somewhere amidst the wind and hail 

You try so hard to survive 

When a part of you dies 

A new one comes to life 

A midst the pain and strife 

You try again to survive 

That is me, the one in jail 

The one trying so hard to prevail 

I get back up only to be beat back down 

By the slamming of my cell door 

And the cold gray ground 

I realize I have died 

Somewhere inside 

I tried to stay alive 

But I could not hide 

That fun the death of me 

I am no longer gone 

I am no longer here 

For in my dreams, I'm still alive 

I can still go outside 

I can still walk with pride 

In my dreams I confide 

I am dead now, here 

But like the phoenix I shall not fear 

For someday my friend, this dead girl 

Shall rise again a woman. 


From The Beat: This poem writes about dying inside, but its written 
with so much life and heart! You've already phoenixed your way 
through the dark side of lock down, because we see a woman already 
coming into focus! Tell us what the new you, the woman you are, is 
planning to do with her life. 

RIP Mikal 


Man, Mikal was my bra. We did hella shhh together that 
I ain't even gone mention. I really don't understand why 
he had to go. 

Mikal was a good ninja. He stayed out of trouble 
but when trouble came he had to handle his. He did 
nothing but ride around on the three wheeler's or go- 
peds or scooter. He hung around me, his brother Percy, 
my brothers, the twins and all the youngsta in the hood. 
Bra you will neva be forgotten. 

-Bra Bra 

From The Beat: Thanks for letting us respect the memory of Mikal 
in this special issue. Its through your love and dedication that his 
memory stays alive through the years. Now its time for you to live in 
his honor. How will you do this? 

fMy Life Happened so Fast 
I can only say so much about life. Mine has happened so 
fast, I wonder -- will I give birth to a beautiful life when 
the time is right? And will it look like my life... 
It means so much, but when you've never enjoyed 
yours, can you still say I have a life? Or should you say 
"I want to live the good life" because that's one of your 
dreams -- to live a good life. 

■ Life. The good life to me means having a job and 

doing good for myself, staying out of trouble and going 
somewhere in the future, having a job and touring the 
world, sharing my life with others so they can get a feel 
for the way life should be. 

Life is like a battle full of good verses evil but the 
good life is full of good things. 
I don't know... 


From The Beat: In a way, "I don't know" is like the most honest answer 
a person could give, because one thing we know for sure: Life is a 
great mystery. Sometimes it feels like a punishment, sometimes like a 
miracle - and we don't get to go back in time to fix our mistakes, it's 
a one shot deal! We don't have answers to your questions, but believe 
us when we say, we spend a lot of time wondering about them, just 
like you do! 

RIP Luis 

He Is My Life 

Today is a bad day, I don't know why, 
But everything seems to disappear out of my life. 

I'm away from him for way too long, 

Time seems never ending, but I gotta be strong. 

I was out making money, really didn't let money make 


But me and him did it together, 

'cause I didn't have a wifey, out on them streets, 

I know it ain't good, psychos and addicts all through 

the hood had pimps run after me, 

But I had to run, cause I wasn't 'bout to choose 

because of no gun. He don't hit me and he don't yell, 

We done been through a whole lot of hell, 

But I know he always gone be there, cause I'm his 


Ain't no b— standing in my way. 

I can honestly say that he is my life, because I don't 

know when I'm gone stop. 
I wish I was out so I can get my money on da block. 

I know I'm young, but I got a mind of my own, 

I don't know when I'm gone change, or the game is 

going to be gone. 

-Arabian Goddess 

From The Beat: We can see you have your own mind by the way it 
works overtime/as you lay down your heart in the words of this 
rhyme/but this man you've got if he cares like you say/why does he 
let you face danger each day/why does he let you make money on 
the block/knowing that each day could bring death's knock? He can't 
save you - even if he tries, you're the only one who can brake through 
these lies/not the lies from him but the ones you tell YOU/when you 
believe that the street is waiting for you. 

Hey what's up. Well, my name is Rolando, I lost my ninj; 
Luis. I made a shirt with his picture on it, and it said RI 
Luis: Gone But Never Forgotten. 

My potna's got his name tatted, and when I get 
I'm gonna get his name tatted too. 

Sometimes when I hear a song that my potna Lui; 
liked, I be tellin' my girl that he liked it. I share all th 
good times that I had with Louis with my girl. I tri< 
change, but I just can't. 


From The Beat: At least Luis's memory lived on in a positive thing; The 
music you share with a person you love. But can that memory also 
bring you in the positive direction of changing your life around and 
making good things come in your life? 


Dec 27 - A Sad Day 

My homegirl passed away a few years ago on Dec. 27. 
Her anniversary is coming up. I don't like Christmas as 
much as I did, because of her loss. I miss her a lot, she 
was my potna's lady. That was the first time I seen him 
cry. RIP Laura. You'll be missed. 


From The Beat: This is so deep - death and destruction, they can take 
even take Christmas away. But we hope that for you, when Dec 27th 
rolls around, you let your good memories of her fill your heart. That 
is the only way to beat back the bitterness. 


w m.z> ram eimm mm, 

tmt$® ®%$ af 'moMs 


Not Fadom, Not Big Brah 

I was in shock when I heard. It never came ta mind dat 
Fadom would die! Shhh, real beast die some day, an' his 
came. Shhh, he made it far enough ta plant his seed. 
Damn hard ta believe... not dat he gone, but who did it. 
Yeah, one of da homies who I thought was big brah but 
now gotta watch him. 

Now da 'hood all messed up; homies killin' homies. 
RIP Fadom and all the rest. Gone but never forgotten. 


From The Beat: When you put yourself out on those mean streets, you 
risk losing the most precious God-given gift of all: life itself! We hope 
the loss of your homie will make you think twice before doing the 
things that lead to such tragedies. (Sorry, we had to take a few lines 
out of this piece because they were not Beat appropriate.) 

Free Me 

, do you thii 

I'm askin' this 'cause I think of you 

I do want you close to me 
But do you want me close to you? 

I just want to feel your touch 

But would you want to feel mines? 

I love that smile, but recently you seem to fro^ 

Why is that? Is it 'cause you want me back? 

If that's so, I would love to have you also 

But you're just too much of a flirt for me 

Yeah, so I got my love for ya I just don't understai 

See boy, you crazy and I'm crazy 

Put two of us together and we'll be mad crazy 

When we get out come see me. 


From The Beat: Sometimes, we think girls spend too much time 
worrying about some boy instead of focusing on their own futures, 
with or without a boy. 


2000 Tons Heavier 


Befo' I got wrapped fo' this dumb shhh, my legs was 

carrying 95 pounds. 

But I knew I was getting wrapped when I heard them 

damn sirens sounds, 

A change of lifestyle 'cause I'm back in the halls 

These small-ass drawls puttin' pressure on my balls, 

All this for that damn gun... 

I ain't 95 no mo', I'm 2000 tons! 


From The Beat: We're not sure what you mean by "dumb shhh," but if 
you mean you were dumb to have a gun, then we agree... The weight 
you're carrying is called consequences. 

He Keeps Me Op 

Tattoo... I would get what I would represent, where I'm 
from and that's what I got right now. So that's how I 
do. But I would get some cross hands on my chest or 
somewhere, but I have to get that somewhere sooner 
or later 'cause I really believe in God. He really looking 
out for me and helping me stay strong and keeping my 
head up 


From The Beat: Does your belief in God keep you from doing some of 
the things you used to do on the outs? 

This Friday is my court. Hopefully they put me on home 
detention. I miss my family so damn much. There is a 
lot of things that I needed to do but I couldn't because 
I'm locked up. 

Example: I had a speeding ticket that I was supposed 
to go to court for it. but I couldn't go. Now I'm going to 
have to pay double the fine and get points on my license. 
That pisses me off! But I can't blame anyone but myself 
'cause I got myself in here. But I can't believe I'm going 
to get a point on my license. Damn! ... 

Damn! Hopefully I get out on Friday so I can take 
care of all my stuff. 


From The Beat: We hope that you learned you were going home. But 

whether it's now or later, you will be out of here. The question is, 

what changes are you prepared to make so that you stay out 

Start With School, And Don't St. 

Wassup Beat Within? I'm just writing to y'all thi 
getting out this Friday. I'm really trying to change m; 
life around so this is going to be my last week here. 
When I get out, I'm really trying to get a job for I can get 
some money in my pockets for I can be ballin', living a 
good life. 

But you really have to go to school for you ca 
somebody, so you really have to wake up. Stop dreaming. 
Really, life can be easy, you just have to make it easy. 
Don't make it hard for yourself because if you really 
make it hard you can end up dead because you ma " 
hard for yourself. 

So if you want to make it easy, just do what you got 
to do. Don't take no detours. Just do the right thing in 
life. All right then, late! 

-Young Racs 

From The Beat: We think you have a winning formula for success — but 
only if you follow your own advice! If you are serious about school, 
new opportunities will open up for you as you learn new things. Like 
you said, "Don't take no detours." 


Watsup wit' The Beat? Fma talk about a tattoo that I 
already have. But first, let me tell The Beat that this is 
the last Beat I'm writing because I leave tommrow at 
9:00. I'm not going to able to read this, Beat, because 
I'ma be gone. 

So, my first tattoo ever was, -Samoa-. It's on my 
forearm on the left. The reason why I got that because 
it's my culture and I really like my culture. 

My second tattoo was Susana which is my mom's 
name. And that means a lot to me. I got it the same day 
as her birthday. I love my mom. She's always there when 
I need her. 

My third tattoo says, -Chunky-. Why I got that, I was 
off pills when I went to go get that. But my fourth I'ma go 
get my dad on my neck. I feel the same way of him like 
my mom so that the end of my Beat. 


From The Beat: We're really happy for you. Chunky. You've been 
waiting a long time. We hope you write us so that we can send you 
The Beat and so we can learn what life is like there. In so many ways, 
you are lucky: You're out of the hall, you have a mother you love and 
loves you and a father you love and loves you. Now, make them and 
yourself proud. 


Life for me is being free and doing what I want to do 
at any givin time. If yo' life is about comin' to jail back 
and forth, then you're not living your life, because every 
time you end up in here, you lose a lot. 

If I had a life to choose for myself, I wouldn't change 
too much. But I will change a few things. So the people 
who want, keep comin' to jail. Then yo' losin' your life. 

-Lil' Moe-B- 

From The Beat: We like the way you're thinking. Only, what do you 
mean by "If I had a life to choose for myself..."? We think you do have 
a life to choose, and we hope your thinking helps you choose wisely. 


Tfeiuikl II 1 Tat 


What's good wit' tha Beat? It's ya boi Lil' Spitta comin' 
to ya live from unit 4. I'ma tell ya a lil' bit 'bout a tat 
I'm thinking of gettin'. I gon have a representation of 
life and death. Tha top of my arm would start off with 
life — things like tha sun, sky, heaven and other living 
things on Earth. Then tha bottom will have a graveyard 
an' underworld with a Egyptian theme to it. I ain't fully 
thought it out yet, but that's 'bout it. Til tha next time 
I'm ghost like Casper and tha Opera Phantom. 

-Lil' Spitta 

From The Beat: Sounds like you've given this some thought. It also 
sounds like a complicated design. Do you know someone who can do 
it? Are you worried about if it hurts? 

Ld downs, bu. 

try push me to the limit — like being in this room locked 
up waiting for the days to go by. I had a life outside these 
walls once, when I was happy and sometimes sad. I had 
to leave it all behind when I got here. My mother tries to 
be there, but she thinks keeping me in here or in a group 
home is gonna do good for me. But it's really not. 

I guess in life you can't always get what you want. 
I have a hard life out of these walls. I left my boyfriend 
behind not knowing were I'm at. I sit here waiting and 
thinkin' and crying and stressing about what he's doing 
and what he's thinking and what everybody's thinking. 

Some days I feel like I can't take this pressure that 
they give us to try to break us. I was in love. One's in 
my life. I love that ninja to death but I guess he didn't 
see that. But that was the worst day of my life when it 
ended. I wish that it will all get better, but for now I just 
got to get through it. 


From The Beat: Why does your mother think here or a group home 
would do you good? If she was writing this, what would she say about 
that? Is any part of it true? It appears that this ninja you loved didn't 
keep you out of trouble as you might think love would require. Too 

A Gangster's Live 

Livin' life of a warrior an't no joke 

Dodging bullets, smelling gun smoke 

Walkin' through the streets with a grin on my face 

Praying to God dat I will live to see da next day 

-Yung Casper 

From The Beat: Praying to God while breaking His rules/Doesn't seem 

smart, doesn't seem cool/Since you're disrespecting Him, why should 

He respect you/ [Is it smart to honor Him less than your crew?) 

To me, I value my little brother's life more than anything 
and anybody I know! The reason I value his life a lot is 
because he is my closet friend, my best friend, and I 
would do anything for him. I would give my life for him. 
Life to me is worth more than the world itself. 

If I could get a fresh start, I would have never skipped 
school and made sure that me and my brother was on 
time to every class. The life I would choose would be my 
own, I would only make different choices. I would risk 
my life for my little brother and my closest older sister 
and my girlfriend's life. 

I would save my little brother's life because he's only 
15 and he has his whole life ahead of him. I would save 
my sister's life because I cherish my sister and she's 
one of the people who took care of me and I know she 
would do it for me. Last but not least I would save my 
girlfriend's life because she's had a rough start in life, 
and she is willing do die for me. She's willing to pull that 
if I ask her to and that's why I'm risking my life for those 


From The Beat: To save anyone else's life, you have to make sure to 
save your own first. The best way to "save" their lives is to find a 
way to live with them without giving the system any power to take 
you from them. That means some changes, when you get out of here, 
because without those changes, you will just be wishing to help your 
sister and brother, but not actually doing it. 

Tattoos Representing Life Or Death 

The tattoo I would choose to represent life would t 
hands of Jesus because Jesus is the man who ga^ 

Then the tattoo dat would represent death wuu± 
be the grim reaper with my homie's tombstone on th< 
background. I choose the grim reaper 'cause he's the 
spirit who took my homie's soul, and he gots their soul 
with him at all time cause my homies were some gr' — 
ass vatos. 


From The Beat: Where would you get these two tattoos on your body? 
Opposite each other? In different places? How much would you have 
to pay for a couple of tattoos like the ones you described? 

What's up Beat? This Too Militant still holdin' it down 
until I touch down and touch rounds. But today topic is 
about today life. 

Today life is getting crazier as the days go by. People 
are become weak minded and others are having that "I 
don't give a shhh" mentality. I feel that too many people 
are degrading others, and that's having a lot of effect on 

Another things is during this life that we live now 
people have something to prove and their life to lose. I 
feel that if some one has something to prove, they would 
go about it by being quiet and not expose their thoughts 
knowing the person they're telling could make it so 
it would never work. All I'm saying is if you invisible, 
no one can, 'cause they can't see you. I'm going stay 

-Too Militant 

From The Beat: Of course, we agree that its best to keep your business 
to yourself, especially of "your business" is dirt. But we don't agree 
with you that you can be invisible. No one can — especially when 
they're already marked in the system. 


PAG 9 


VOLUME 12.46 


Man, life is priceless, it's the best thing given to if on, When 
i/on're in Jail, yonr fife is taken, you just as good dead basically. 

My (Abusive] Boo 

Well, personally I kinda got a boo named Scout. Y'all 
heard of him when I wrote about him a minute ago when 
I told y'all he socked me in my eye and it was black. 
Well, it good now, but my eye still be tweaking though. 
But it good. 

When I get out, he still gonna come home. And yeah, 
I know y'all thinking, "This gurl is stupid," but I'm not. 
I really love him and I know I shouldn't. What do you 
think beat! 

-Hill Gurl 

From The Beat: We don't remember what we told you last time, but we 
wouldn't let anyone blacken our eyes! There's an old saying that "love 
is blind," so we hope you're seeing things for what they really are, 
and not just what you'd like them to be. 

Life: One Day At A Time 

When I think about death and life, I think aboi 
tomorrow, and the next day. If you are livin' now, there' 
no way of knowing if you go' be living tomorrow. So life 
is a very important knowing your every move, and make 
sure your next move is the right one. 

Death is part of everybody's life. When you're born, 
there's only one guarantee... that you will die. So all you 
gotta do is live life one day at a time. 


From The Beat: Of course you're right, we're all going to die, so why 
hurry things? Take it one day at a time, and don't make the kind of 
moves that lead you here. 

__up with The Beat? Damn, ain't nothing new 
the maximum security unit, just doing my time. I value 
my life and the people I love. I got to value my own lift 
because I have a lot to live up to and got a lot of shhl 
planned. I'm 'bout to do somthin' with my life and 
all this weak-ass shhh behind me. 

But to keep it real, I might not be going home for 
a while, so right now my life ain't got no value 'can«e 
being in here I feel like I'm just rotting away. 

I'll always value the life of the people I love bee 
they are the ones I care for the most. Man, life is priceless, 
it's the best thing given to you. When you're in jail, 
life is taken, you just as good dead basically. 

When I was with my baby cousins and nephews 
when they was newborns, life is good. You only think 
about the positive and blank out all the negative. For 
that moment. If I could have a fresh start, I wouldn't be 
in here that's for sure. I would still choose my life 'cause 
ain't nobody got it like me. I would save my mom's life 
'cause she always been there for me and always will. 

My favorite birthday is mines 'cause it's the time of 
the year to do it big. Like I said I love my moms, y'all 
know why. Naw, I ain't gonna say I loved someone other 
than my family 'cause that's some strong words towards 
those females. Like my homie Termite used to say, this 
the life I chose. See y'all at the Ranch. 


From The Beat: We hope you have a good program at the Ranch, so 
that when you get back to your moms, you can stay with her. 

n nun in urn 

Time Lost 


What cracking Beat? It's that true San Jonero Lil' Chris 
living and alive today waiting for a new chapter to unfold 
as a sit and wait to see if I'm going to have a fresh new 
start by taking advantage of my diploma and by making 
babies with my lady for all the time that I lost, well, 
being in the Slamma 

-Lil' Chris 

From The Beat: We hope you wait to unfold that chapter that starts 
with making babies. Babies don't ask to come into the world, but 
when they do, they demand and deserve 100% attention and care. 
You're not ready to provide that — and, at your age, you shouldn't be 
ready to provide it. Give yourself a couple of years to build a stronger 
foundation before you launch the next generation! 

Tatts Representing Life 

If I had to get a tatt it would be a Samoan tat called 
"taullma" which is a Samoan art with different shapes 
and patterns around yo' hand. If not it would be a 
sona'imiti" which is a tatt on yo' stomach down to yo' 
knees. This tat shows you're ready to enter manhood 

-Big Uso 

From The Beat: You writing for this issue educates readers to Samoan 
culture. Thank you for this! 




Flex Life 

N x What's up Beat? Today I'm going to write about life. As 
I you all know, right now I am fighting a life sentence. 
\ Let me tell you this ain't the place you want to spend 
^v the rest of your life. You should be out there with your 
v family making babies. Amen. 


From The Beat: Yes, you should be out there, but no, you should not 

\be making babies. Babies should not be the product of your own 
selfishness — something you want — but should be well thought out 
>v and planned since (if you plan to be a father and not just a sperm 

V ^ donor) they required your full attention and focus. Keeping it real, 
^v you're not ready for that yet. 



Life And My Mom 

What's cracking Beat? This is Potatohead. 

The life that I value the most is my moms. I value 
my mom's life the most cause she's the one that gave 
me birth and took care of me when I was a baby. Well 
my mom was always there for me and she still is, even 
though I be getting locked up and doing stupid shh. And 
that's why I value my mom's life the most. Well that's all 
I got to say Beat till the pencil hits the paper again late. 


From The Beat: We are glad to hear that you love your mama very 
much. But why are you here? Why don't you value your mom even 
more and stay the hell out of jail? 


The Love Of My Life 

Life And Death Tattoo 

A tat of life is above because you fly anywhere and be 
free. A tat of death is a death itself (the grim reaper). 
A tat someone can be a tat of death but that person is 
showing respect. 


From The Beat: You didn't give us much information in this too-short 
piece. For example, what does a "tat of death" look like? How does a 
tat of death show respect? 



The outs is what it's about 

Chillin' with my homies 

Can't wait till I see my way out 

Everyday I think what's doin 

Always moving and pursuing 

Can't wait till I smell that Santa Clara air 

When I think about fighting I just Pull my hai 

I don't want no more time just sit back and ch 

I'll be out real soon I'm for real 


From The Beat: We can understand the fact that you are missing yo 
freedom. But don't go back out there and do something dumb thai 
bring you right back. I see you say its about chilling with your homu 
but what about your fam? What about you tryin' to stay outta trouble 
Or do you wanna keep coming back? 

Saving A Life 

Hey what's cracking Beat? Well today's topic is about 

Life is a great thing whether you take the right path 
or the wicked one. Life to me truly don't mean shhh. I'm 
in a place that takes all my privileges and heading to a 
shittier one. I would risk my life for anyone in my family. 
It's hard to say just because I would do it for anyone. I'm 
not saying I hate my life but it's not that important to me 
I'm just another screw up in my family. 

I'm living this gangsta's paradise in San Jose. My 
alma(soul) is not showing no pity or remorse but to give 
my life to someone I truly loved I would give up on it, 
Beat. So Beat I just want to tell everyone out there to live 
their life 'till their wheels fall off. 


From The Beat: Why doesn't life mean shhh to you? Is it just because 
you're locked up? How do you think your family would feel if you were 
to lose your life? Don't you think they'd be sad? We can understand 
you saying that you would give up your life for someone you love, but 
to just give up your life for nothing is something else. Think about 
those that care about you also, you can't be totally selfish. There are 
people that want to see you succeed, do good, and live life. 

I value life, my homies, and family most of all, my 
girlfriend Destiny. It sucks 'cause were both locked 
up and she thought I would leave her side, but I didn't. 
She's the person I love the most I can see her as my 
wife. I would save her life from going towards the wrong 
direction. I love her but never told her how I felt, so I just 
want to let her know how much I love her and care for 
her, and I will do anything for her. So I love you Destiny 
and hope we can start a good and long relationship. So 
Beat can you please put my writing in the Beat please. 


From The Beat: You're writing is in The Beat. Your writing is always 
printed in The Beat as long as it is appropriate. This is a very sweet 
piece. We hope the best for you and your girl. Y'all need to stay out of 
jail so you can make your relationship work. 

One Life 

And only the strong survive 

So we're always on point and know 

Just how to strive 

Cheated death so many times I don't know any or 

our shoes that would still carry on 

Most people we know would rather die once 

everything's and everyone's gone 

But death isn't an option so our struggle like ; 

gobstopper is everlasting 
So we continue till we're the final one's laughin . 


From The Beat: How are you the last ones laughing? How many times 
can you keep cheating death? You can run but you can't hide. You 
wanna keep playing this game trying to survive? How long do you 
plan on living? 

I'm Just Ready To Leave 

When I think of death it doesn't hit me anymore 

Sometimes it feels like I was born into a war 

So when I think of life I say "I was bred to die, born to 

I could already see my tombstone, so they better start 

to dig 

Because I've already reached my peak 

And everyone I love can see me going six feet deep 

And all you guys know what goes around comes 


So you better live like a soldier before you hear that 

flat line sound 
But still tell your young ones not to live the gangster 


Even thought I never thought twice to pull my knife 

It's not only because I want to show that I ain't weak 

It's 'cause I rather live on my feet then die on my knees 

Not only am I a warrior away from death I just want to 


So when you ask me "why don't it seem like you want 

to breathe? 

It's not that, I'm just ready to leave. 


From The Beat: Why are you ready to leave? Do you feel like you did 
everything that you wanted to do in life already? How does a look 
"why don't it seem like you wanna breathe?" Look like? Is it a look 
of despair? A look that says, "I don't care!" What makes you feel this 

Life And The Right Choice 

Life is what you make it. It can lead you towards good 
or bad depending on the choice you make. My advice to 
you is to make the right choices. Who cares what other 
people think? If you think for yourself, you live longer. 
Play the game right, baby! 


From The Beat: OK, sounds good. Better start listening to your own 
advice, wouldn't you say? 


A Tattoo Representing Life and Death 

I'm not really into tattoos, but if I were to get one I'd have 
to think about it a lot before I did it. It would represent 
both life and death because it would be my momma's 
face. She passed away 2 years ago, and I would do it 
in her memory. I would get the tat so she could be 
everywhere with me. 


From The Beat: Sounds like a good idea? Where would you put it? 

I'm going to write about someone . 
family. The one person that I have a lot of love for would 
be my ex boyfriend, Dani. I mean I love this guy so much 
that I would give my life for his, if he needed it. When 
you love someone you would do anything for them, even 
if it means to risk your life. That's all I got to say until 
next time, Beat. 

From The Beat: That's a lot of love Vivian. We hope your f 
appreciate the depth of your love. 

A Hard Life 


Life is what you make it, so that's it for now. My life is 
rough and hard. You can die any day, any time anywhere. 
It is what it is. 


From The Beat: Are you saying that you've made your life rough and 
hard? If that's so, then stop beating yourself up. Give yourself a break. 
Be kind to yourself. That means - stop doing whatever it is that makes 
your life rough and hard. 


Life And Death 

Life And Death 

Life and death 

Lost ones you can never forget 

Live life like it's your last 

Before someone goes and kills your ass. 

Everyone should live life to the fullest 

For the ones in the streets, try and dodge them bullets 

One life, one God, one love 

Have fun all day, so let's hit the club 

Roll up a bleezy, and give me the hen 

This is for all my dead friends 

Who lived their life, and never thought of death, 

Ray-Ray and Tookie 

People we will never forget. 

-Old Friend 

From The Beat: You're right! You only got one life to live so live it up. 
Nice poem. You live life and never think about death till it happens to 
somebody you know. 

When I hear death, I think of someone is going to die 
or already dead. If there was that special someone that 
left me I will go to the funerals and pay my respect. I 
learned that when I went to the funeral people were sad 
and crying and probably wishing that they were still 
alive. Yes I have been to two funerals and that is what I 
see in people. 

My friend told me he was walking down the street 
and someone people pulled a gun out at him and he said 
his whole life flashed before his eyes. No, I have never 
seen death. It probably feel sad when someone dies right 
in front of you. A mother or father must go through a lot 
if they lost their own child. They will probably wish it 
was them. 

I have dealt with death like everyone is going to die 
some day. I value my family life because I just wouldn't 
want to see them go. For some life is worth a lot no 
matter if they're poor are rich. It's a great feeling when 
you're close to a newborn baby and especially when they 
smile at you our laugh. 

If I was given a fresh start I will try to finish school 
and get a job. I will chose a rich life and own a big piece 
of land. I will risk my life to save my family just because 
they have a whole life to explore. 


From The Beat: There are many interesting ideas in this piece, Michael. 
In fact, there are too many interesting ideas! Don't combine all the 
topics into one piece. Choose just one topic and write all about that. 
Anyway, we're glad that you haven't had to experience death up close 
yet. What do you do to keep yourself safe? Do you have anything in 
mind to change when you get out of here? 



Life is hard 

Life is easy 

Life is weird 

Life is odd 

But then life is 

What you make it! 

-This Life 

Trade Your Spot 

Yes I know a lot of people that are living more worst 
than me, I watch the National Geographic Channel and 
I see kids in Africa and Ethiopia who live more rough 
lives than a lot of people who think there life is rough. 
They starve, don't have medical help, a lot are dying 
from diseases. 

People who have it good don't know what they have, 
'cause they never take the time to think about stuff like 
that children in Iraq live in poverty, wars, are being used 
as weapons, trained to kill, they would love to switch 
places with someone in America. I think a lot about 
stuff like that I think they would love to be in my spot 
and would not take their life for granted and would love 
to live our life, let's stop wasting our time. 


From The Beat: Yes, there are many young people who live lives 
unimaginable to most of us. However, too many of us do not want to 
think about this. What do you mean when you say, "stop wasting time"? 
Do you think people waste their time thinking about unimportant 
things? Clarify your point for us... 

PAG 22 

Life's Choices 

Life is what you make of it. You make your own decisions. 
You choose the path you take. Sometimes things happen 
out of your control but you can decide what you make of 
those things. Like being locked up - you can decide to 
be depressed and sit in your cell all day, or you can try 
to make the best of it and maybe you'll have fun. So my 
advice to you is to stay positive! Keep ya head up! 


From The Beat: Alright. You sound like a counselor. Maybe you should 
think about it. What do you want to do when you get older? 

One Continuous Event 

Something Valuable 

Some ones life I value is my two year old son I love him to 
death. I will do anything for him whether it's just being 
there for him I sometimes sit in my room reminiscing 
about my son all the time trying to remember his cute 
baby face. And trying not to give too much about him and 
sorry about him because I know he's in good hands. 


From The Beat: We are glad to hear that your baby is in good hands. 
But wouldn't you rather hold your 2 year old son with your own 
hands? You say you would do anything for your son right? Then stay 
outta jail. Do everything you can to stay outta jail so you won't be 
missing your son. 




Life is hard things you never 

thought would happen happen. 

As for me, I didn't think I would meet 

the man of my dreams, 

but I did and I'm happy, 

but also I didn't hink I would get pregnant 

at the age of a young teen, and here I am - 

one and a half months pregnant. 

I didn't plan for it to happen. 

I wish I was smarter but I'm happy 

it's from the guy I Love 

and I know I'll always be with. 

Well, I turn 15 in two weeks and my man 

Turns 17. Life is going to be hard 

but I know if we try hard enough 

me and my baby's daddy can do it! 

I look up to God to protect us and help us! 

But I'm really sad because my mom 

is going to be disappointed and mad. 

I love my man so much. 

She doesn't know but I am 

going to tell her when I get out. 

-Unknown Teen 

From The Beat: You've got your hands full. Unknown Teen. We can 
only wish you the best of luck and urge you to let your mom know 
what's going on as soon as possible. 

Life Ain't Easy 

What I think about life is that it ain't easy. You should 
live, laugh, love, party, have fun, cry, hate, and be who 
you want to be. Do what you have to do but, regret 
nothing, because at the end you will find out that's the 
way you wanted your life to be. 


From The Beat: Are you sure? 

Life and death are not separate. They are one continuous 
event. You start dying as soon as you are born. And ask 
anyone who's just almost died, deaths presence makes 
life feel so valuable. Just think "One day I will die" this 
thought is chilling inevitably thought it is followed by 
"Damn, I'm alive!" 

So what are you doing with your life? Are you happy, 
or do the things you have make you happy? Does it 
come from inside, or from that kingdom where "moth 
and dust doth corrupt?" 

So as we go through life with these devils on one 
shoulder and an angel on the other, we've got to think 
about what we really value, and try to live with some 
integrity. And try to be happy. 


From The Beat: You're absolutely right about life and death? The 
thought of dying is chilling. We should be glad we're alive. We also 
should stop and think how valuable life is and really not wasting our 
time making it harder on ourselves or other people. You've brought up 
some interesting points. Are you happy with your life? Are you scared 
of death? What are you doing with your life? 

Turning Point 

The turning point in my life was during sophomore yea 
I started doing drugs, I'm not saying they are bad 
the stupid shhh I did to get them. 

The events that led to my incarceration, and 
drugs was a series of burglaries. Me and some friend! 
would ditch school almost everyday o rob a house just 
to use the money for a half ox, and we would smoke 
it that afternoon. And now I'm sitting here everyday, 
wishing I could go back and take it all back. The peoples 
and families lives I've messed up. 

My mother tells me my little brothers ask her ev< 
night where I have gone. Sitting here with no family or 
friends is indescribable. But now I have to do my time, 
then get back in the world with more knowledge than 


From The Beat: Many people make poor choices when they do drugs. 
They transform our behavior — we become different people. This is true 
with chemical drugs and the drug of habit. Do you really think that 
just doing your time will help you break your addiction to drugs of 

Fresh Start 

Freedom of speech 
Rewind time 

Strength & courage 

Trust worthy 



Tears of sorrow 

These are the things I would use in a fresh start. And, 
quit messin' with these fact ninjas and stop selling 
drugs in these streets. 


From The Beat: Very clever, Anna. Thanks for sharing your desire for 
a new life!! 

PAG 23 

True Feelings 

Hey what's up Beat? Today, I'm going to write a letter 
to a girl that I realized that I love. Back at my first 
time writing to The Beat, I was heart broken because I 
thought I was in love; but after that break up, I realized 
that I still love the girl I was going out with a couple of 
years ago. I'm gonna start to talk to her and at least be 
friends with her, and maybe later on in life we can be 
together again. 


From The Beat: The heart plays tricks on us lots of times. Do you 
think, if you were still on the outs, she would be so important to you? 
Would you be trying to get with her and respecting her enough not 

It's love 

It's sadness 

It's do 

It's die 

It's depressing 

It's easy 

It's day by day 

It's breath, by breath 

It's choices 

It's every feeling you've ever felt 

It's that first cry 

But to me it's everything I 

Want, I just have to give it all 

I got, not for me, but it's all 

For the love of my life coming 

In a real fast five months in time. 

To all for the love of my life my baby boy/girl! 


From The Beat: We like your optimism. And that kind of thinking is 
good for your baby, too. 


Let me extend my utmost love and respect to all who 
come across my words. 

Well as you all know and to those who don't I'm 
and "Educator." I'm known to The Beat as Educated 
Gangster. I try and do my best to help educate those 
who are incarcerated and deep thinkers. I don't know it 
all but I do know a good grip. And I urge all to help those 
in need of education. 

Now, to steer your attention to situations worse 
than our own. Or mine at least. As youngsters we are 
suppose to be learning and unlearning things everyday. 
So, as I speak before those who have it worse off than 
ourselves, I apologize for our whiners cries over petty 
time. I know plenty out there, in here, and else where 
doing 10+ years and others, life. I'm always grateful that 
I haven't stricken out and put myself into a position that 
is frowned upon. But to those who are there, strive and 
educate your mind. 

A lot of us are complaining about 6-8 months, 4 
months, even 30 days! I got something for ya, "Shut 
up." There are others who would trade a spot with you 
in a minute. Just do your time and make it a learning 
experience. Do yo' time, don't let your time to you. 

With that said, I exit this the same ways I entered, 
with my utmost love and respect. Stay educating yo' 

-Educated Gangster 

From The Beat: What does it look like to "make it a learning 
experience"? It is easy enough to say, but what does the day-to-day 
look like? Many people do not see the larger picture of their life and 
the world, but how do people learn to see? 

Value My Life 

Congratulations On The One Life 

Hard to believe anyone could be 

Evaluated for something not good 

But everything's just compared to what 

And you've already walking the road 

That leads to what a free man knows 

Of good and evil contrary as cotton 

And boll weevils 

But wisdom marries heaven and hell 

And makes of hell's flames a cool place to dwell 

So into the jaws of the system 

The belly of the beast 

You'll walk like a Daniel in the lion's den 

Not harmed in the least 

'Cause you know where you're going 

And you know where you've been 

Walk tall through it all my young friend 

Forgiveness if sin is just the beginning of your new life 

Directed toward your chosen end 

A young man learning what it means 

To be Godsend 

I put too much on it I'm sure 

Just do your best and you'll endure. 

-Father Time 

From The Beat: You have some amazing talent. You are very descriptive. 
Who are you congratulating? What inspired you to write this poem? 
How were you feeling? 


I only value one person in my life and that's this girl 
Kristina. I value her because she's the only girl that 
show me love and acts that cares for me. She's the only 
girl I call to talk to because I really don't talk on the 
phone but only to her though. But I can't wait to see her 
when I get out these weak halls. 

From The Beat: What kind of relationship do you have with this girl? 
Is she your future girlfriend, or she more like a sister? How much do 
you value her? 

My Tat, My Life 

If I was going to get a tat it would be a monkey doing 
a hand stand while eating a banana. I think it best 
represents life because life should be about challenging 
what people hold to be true and normal. 

Screw the gang life, selling drugs, or trying to be 
hard, care free, fun, give you that natural high with no 
repercussions. Truth is I was gonna get it on my arm 
before I locked up. 

For death I'd get a vulture because they feed on 
the death of others and they truly represent it. Though 
getting it would make me feel like I am one which would 
me sick. 


From The Beat: We wish that everyone could think a little like you. 
We would almost live in a perfect world if everyone said screw the 
gang life, forget selling drugs, or trying to be hard. But then again, it 
wouldn't be real life. You're gonna have your ups and downs, negatives 
and positives. We can make the best of it, or the worse. What's your 
plan on getting out? 

Life I Value 

Well the only life I value is my own because no one else 
cares about me. Not my mom not my dad no one. So in 
this world I've been on my own since the age of 12. And 
there has been no one to look after me. I'm not tripping 
though at first I'm not going to lie I was sad and at the 
same time I was mad but then I guess I got over it. . . 

I'm 16 now, my mom comes to visit me and I still 
love her the only reason is because she's my mom but 
that don't mean that I have forgiven her. 


From The Beat: What happened that made you think that your mom 
doesn't love you? What did she do to you? You said you still love her, 
right? So what makes you think that she doesn't love you? She comes 
to the hall to visit you right? Don't you think that's some type of love? 
We don't know your situation, but sometimes parents do shady things 
in the past because they don't know better. We all make mistakes even 
Moms, Dads, Uncles, Aunties, Grandmas. That's part of human nature 
we still keep learning until the day we die. 

Life and Death 

Mom Puts Up With Me 

My favorite birthday is when I get money from people. I 
love my mom the most because she put up with my shhh 
no matter what it was. I don't know what kind of tat I 
would get if anything I would get a skull just because I 
like the Raiders. So this is just what I think of death. 


From The Beat: We're not sure what this has to do with what you 
think about death... But we do have a question: If you love your mom 

fWhat up Beat? 
Well, just the week before I got locked up, one of my 
homeboys got shot. He died right in the hood. He was on 
his way to 7-Eleven to get a blunt when a car full of rivals 
asked him if he banged. He said yeah, and what? Pop! He 
got hit once in the chest, died 10 min later. 

I He had his memorial the other day, and I didn't get to 

say goodbye. But he wasn't from my hood, just a homeboy 
that lived there. If I had to give my life to someone for them 
to live, I would have no questions about it. Maybe they have 
something to live for. I do, but for a whole different reason. 

You see, I'm a gang member, and where I'm from, my 
hood doesn't like to see innocent people dying. If I saw a 
gun being pointed at a little girl or boy, I would jump in 
front of it. Or if my homeboy was about to get shot, I'd do 
the same. He was something to live for. I'm too deep in the 
game to turn back, or get out. 

Gangbanging ain't the way to go, I know, but, I was 
raised into it, so I became it. My life is just as valuable as 
the next, but I guess I already chose the wrong path. RIP to 
all the fallen! 

From The Beat: This is a really honest piece but, sometimes, we feel 
like you "gang members" use certain ideas as an excuse. Yes, you were 
born and brought up in this life, but does that mean you have no 
destiny? It sounds like you are an honorable person, you want to 
keep people safe in your neighborhood, but perhaps you should try 
to take it easy and not take matters of life and death into your 

My Life In The Gage 

They got me in a cage full of anger and pain 

Ready to go all out for taking my name in vai 

This is the real Manuel from this unit still holdi 

Haven't got my piece in The Beat magazine but ' 
thinking about the crown 
People love to put me down 
You can try all you can but I bet you wont succ 
I walk with my head up high even though I'm in a 
man cell 
Just got sentence with no bail 
Thanks to my lawyer proved me innocent even though 

I was 

Sensing the begging of time 

Haven't seen my son in a while 

Well Veat (alrato) later 


From The Beat: We're sorry to hear that you aint se— »"*■■- -*»■• s - •- 
while. Why is that? Is it the result from putting it d 


Grandma To'ieva 

What's up Beat? It yo' boi Siaki droppin' through again. 
Well, I gonna be talking about life. Well, the person's life 
I value is my grandma To'ieva 'cause her life to me is 
everything. Well Beat I started late 'cause of a visit. 


From The Beat: Well, since you didn't have much time to write this, we 
would love to read an entire piece about your Grandma To'ieva. Why 
does she mean so much to you? Is she still alive? What would she like 
you to be doing? 

Life is life 
It can be taken away 

Death is death 

It can't be taken away 

Because there's nothing to take away. 


From The Beat: Nice poem and very interesting point of view! Ho 
do you relate Life and Death. Don't you think that they go hand 
in hand? Why do you think that there isn't anything to take away 
from death? Don't you think you can learn from death? Like learn a 
valuable lesson? 

From Innocence To The Hall 

Well, for me it all started since I was a lil' boy. I always looked 
up to all my cousins and uncles. I used to follow them around. 
But in order to be allowed to be around them, they would make 
me and my other cousin (Jovany) fight. I always beat him up. 
At the end of it they would make me leave, and they would take 
him across the street a buy him candy so he wouldn't tell and 
to stop crying. 

After a while my cousin lost interest in chillin' around 
them. But I still stuck around and absorbed everything they 
would talk about. I seen them do everything imaginable. Then 
my mom wouldn't let me go around them anymore and took all 
my gang clothes away. When I hit ten, I got into vandalizing. 
That was the first time I had got in trouble with the law. I had 
got on six-month probation. 

After that, I did coo' until I met one of my brothers, "the 
friendly ghost" and we later became crime partners till this day 
doing big boy things. Ever since then we got deeper into gangs 

and etc. Which made me grow up fast, which in most cases are 
with the youngsters in here too. 
(To be continued) 

-Lil* Juero 
From The Beat: As you look forward, where do you see yourself in 
five years? If you continue to do the things that have brought you 
back and forth into the system, how will you be able to avoid it in 
the future? Is going to prison a goal for you? If not, what are your 

PAG 25 

A Tattoo Representing Either Life Or Death 

What up, Beat? It's your boy, Chucky. I have a tat of my 
daughter's name on my left eyebrow. It says Corine and 
that is life to me 'cause she is my life. I love her. She 
means a lot to me. Why I got it was because she is my 
first kid and she has made a good impression on my life, 
enough to make me change. I haven't seen her in three 
months, so on Nov. 23rd I get out and get to spend my 
whole life with her and make up for the lost times. 

- Chucky 

From The Beat: Well Chucky, we hope your life with your daughter 
is going well but we wonder what your daughter will think of your 
other tattoo ... the one on your neck that reads "Never trust a b— h." 
It seems like those two are contradicting each other. 

Damn, ha-ha life! It's hella coo'! I can't wait for my fresh 
start try to do good. Ha ha (psych). Naw I really just try 
to stay low and not get in any more trouble. Damn all I 
got to do is stay up. 

Life is hard hell, but no one said it was easy. But it's 
all good all I got to do is run my own program and do 
what I got to do and stay out. Shhh, I got to get back on 
my feet. 


From The Beat: What will your "fresh start" look like? Will it keep you 
out of places like this? (Neither one of the two pieces you wrote tells 
us much 'cause you can't say much in two or three sentences...) What 
does it mean to you to "run your own program?" What do you have to 
do to stay out? Are you going to do it? 

Valuing Life 

Hey 9" vo Beat Within? It's this abstract minded vato 
Troubles from Gilroy once again! On this topic of life, the 
person's life I value is mine. I mean after what happened, 
I'm going to think of the streets a lot different. But also 
I value my mother's and brother's and my sister's life. 
I cherish their lives so much that I would give my life 
for theirs. Well I already wrote something today and my 
times up so till next time stay up beat. 


From The Beat: We're really glad that your recent experience has 
caused you to think differently about the streets, and about the value 
of your own life as well as that of your family. They don't want you 
to give up your life for them. They want you to live your life WITH 


Take Care 

When we are born and our parents of guardians take care 
of us our whole lives up until its time to move out, then 
we get a job, and our parents get old, especially when 
you are a son, then it is our responsibility to take care 
of our parents like they have supported us through our 
early years. And not just blow them off and say screw 
them. But most parents are glad if their kids can just 
support themselves in this time period. So take care of 
those who have taken care of you. 


From The Beat: It is probably impossible to ever fully repay our debt 
of gratitude to our parents. There is no reason guardians have to take 
care children, and taking care of children is an incredibly difficult and 
lifelong endeavor. Your piece sparks an interesting concept: repaying 
our debt of gratitude... 

Stressful Life Full Of Poor Choices 

Childhood was hard growing up in the projects 

pops was always broke 

no joke 

Was introduced to liquor and coke 

Marijuana came along the way at a very young age 

I loved the smell of it 


well as I got old started needing money 

So went stealing stereos 

that was lame though 

Got tired of buying 

so started selling 

This is straight from the heart, 

which tore me apart 

And now look stuck in a cage stressing. 


From The Beat: Its hard to grow up surrounded by drugs, and poverty. 
But you know you can get money several different ways. You sound 
like a smart dude. Why don't you think about ways you can make 
money legally. Instead of stressing in that cage, you should be 
plotting. You ain't gonna be in there forever, and we fo' sure don't 
want to see you go back to your old ways. Think man, think! 

.e Gift Of I 

: a gift, a privilege sc 
giving to you and to others but it can also be taking as 
fast as it was giving. When you are giving a life to live 
some don't realize how important it is to oneself. S 
use it for good and enjoy the gifts and rewards for 
you've been living such as school, like college and 
great paying job and after wards enjoy the pay you 
Or you can use life to have fun, do drugs, have 
and gangbang, but in the long run it was just a waste 
of your life. Then when you are on the end of that long 
run, you would think of the positive things you could of 
done with that part of your life. As I said before, life can 
be giving and taken away, so be thankful for yourself 
being and take advantage of your life to make it better 
for yourself. 


From The Beat: Good point. Some of us don't know what we want 
to do with our lives, or end up wasting our time by thinking that 
partying, having sex, and doing drugs is the only thing to do in life. 
But there are all kinds of things to do, all different types of places to 
go and see. In the end we all have our different situations. Some of 
us might think that money is the key to living life full of happiness. 
Or some of us like the simple things in life. Whatever it may be we 
should all take advantage of it and show appreciation. 

Teaching My Sons To Be More 

Life is a beautiful thing that should not be taken for 
granted. I've seen a life brought into this world when 
my second son was born, I did not know what I'd be in 
for. It was a beautiful nasty sight, I seen what I created 
it was crazy. I love both my boys to death. I would do 
anything for those lil ones, risk my life for them. I just 
want to make sure that their life is great and teach them 
how to grow up and be successful young men and not 
to be like me but better than me in life. I want them not 
to be involved in gangs. They should play sports and be 
gentlemen like their father. Ya feel me bra. 

-DaKid, Santa Clara 

From The Beat: Wow, you get to be a father of two healthy boys. 
Many people do not get to enjoy this. How do you plan to teach your 
sons everything that you want to? Most fathers start out with that 
intention, but many parents fall short... 

^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 


From The Beat: Going along with the theme for the rest of this issue, 
life and death, we decided to go through our huge pile of Beat Without 
writing and follow suit with this theme. What you will read in this section 
of The Beat Within are our writers speaking about both life and death, so 
be prepared to be blown away. We are grateful to be able to put together 
such a special issue, and even more grateful that we get to read what 
you've all sent. If we missed you, we apologize and will definitely publish 
your writings after our holiday break. But as for now, grab a cup of Joe or 
hot chocolate, sit down on your bunk, and receive the blessing of being 

me r 

What Is Your Purpose To Life 

Many people ask them selves this every day in life: 

What is my purpose to life? 

As the day starts up, minutes are running and the 
clock is ticking for the days on Earth not knowing what 
obstacles we might have to face or even what obligation we 
devote or self to. 

Many of us try to convey the dreams we have to life 
which makes to have a purpose to life. This all starts 
within yourself as a kid, when we started school. So now 
whatever you put in to life is what you're going to get out 
of life. It's like a enlist to a military base, and you have 
straight discipline within yourself. 

In order to have a set goal that you have set when you 
was a kid, it will take a lot of achievement that one must 
strive forward to be successful. You can be 

anything that you want to be such as a judge, attorney, 
doctor, even own your own bank. 

Ask yourself : Is this my purpose, to be locked up, a 
gang banger, a hustler on the go, a dope dealer or anythingof 
the life style you chose to live? People do what they do . . . 
even young kids who get caught up in the midst of fire, not 
knowing what the repercussions are. 

You have to face hurting your friends, loved ones who 
have let you drink and sleep on their couch, so now if you 
can stop and think of others. You can have a purpose to 
life as to change things around. 

If we put people before ourselves, this is a blessing. We 
will not get it right there or you to expect self graduation. 

But at least you know with in your heart you did it for a 
purpose, and not to expect nothing. A lot of people tell me 
that our life is real short, which is true. But there is an old 
saying which a counselor told me, and that was to be kind 
to yourself and to not let no one get you down. 

We all have a purpose in life. If no one think so, I am a 
prime example. 

That's what I'm here today writing -- this I have never 
thought or begin I have or had a purpose to life now to 
elaborated and enlighten or to put you abreast a lot of 
people know me as bullet I have been going in and out of 
prison since I was 18 around the age 17 I was introduced 
to crank, known as speed or meth. 

I have had a lot of broken relationships because of 
trust issues. At the age of 18 I was in Vacaville. My roller 
coaster ride took me to Mule Creek, old Folsom and new 

I thought all this would have been a lesson to me. The 
more I love the ride the more I strive for this adrenaline. 
And this all started in 1989, so what did I get out of this 
ride? A validation. 

Then one day I poured water on this fire that was 
inside me. I had to stop and think, what is my purpose on 

I still could not get a hold or a grip of it, so I continued 

able to receive thoughts, beliefs, and emotions from inside the walls. 
And until next year, have as good a holiday as you can and if you can't 
stand being locked up for the holidays, write about it and we'll definitely 
publish your masterpiece. With love and joy, this editor is signing off... By 
the way. We apologize to all you writers if we missed a specific detail in 
our intro to you, such as location, age, and if you are a returning or first 
time writer, given the person in charge of this section is not present.... 
Fortunately your words are powerful to stand on their own. Again, we 
extend our apologies to you thoughtful writers! 

GREGORY VALDEZ ™Je„ u „ ere < 

the greatest loss there is in this life... the loss of his child. And he 
found himself literally dancing in the flames of hell (see for yourself) 
as he tried to drown himself in drugs and action and a purposeless 
existence. But Gregory has found something, in jail, that he now 
shares with The Beat: He discovered what it means to have a purpose 
in life, and how a purpose can make anything bearable. Read his piece 
and then ask yourself, as Gregory did, "What is my purpose in life?" 

to do what I thought was right, and that was to get high and 
ditch and dodge the police or the parole agent. 

As I kept getting on this ride I got sicker and sicker of 
it. By this time I already had two beautiful girls, and I still 
just could not get it right or even know what my purpose 
to life was. Everyone who know me or thought they knew 
me thought that I had lost my mind. 

But to tell people the truth on how I lost my mind, I 
was asking myself 'what was my purpose to life' because I 
had lost my child to a desease called Rett Syndrome. 

This is a disorder with no cure. I was losing my child 
and I didn't know when, but when she pass away a part of 
me had just died leaving me no purpose to live for. 

I even attempted some stunts. On numerous occasions 
I jumped out of vehicles on freeways. I took an SUV, rammed 
it straight into a house and should have been dead on the 
impact. But somehow I managed to crawl under the engine, 
get out, and dance in the street like nothing happened to 

I even fought with the renters of the house as well as 
Sac PD! 

My purpose was to take myself out. But I'm still here, 
and for a damn good reason. 

I tried to even do what was right before I started making 
my own stunts, not knowing how to cope with life. 

I know this Beat Within publication goes out to strive 
for hope and inspiration for you. 

Life most of all it's a spiritual helpful for those you 
don't even know we all have the good fundamentals to 

As to what our purpose is to life? Early in this essay 
or breakdown of my own theory, I said that life is what 
you put into it. If you grew up in the fast life style, such as 
gang-banging, selling dope, trying to make a dollar out of 
15 cents, some even prostituting -- now is the chance to 
make a change, to make a purpose to your life. 

So now in the long run you would gladly received 
benefits to your life as well in community you can make 
your career to any purpose you strive for. You do not have 
to be a follower you can be a leader and an example to 
others or even save a life, so with my little input I hope 
some people soaked this up or I even helped them. 

We do not have to be out down, because we all do have 
a purpose to life. 

Respectfully submitted! 


I Got Tomorrow 

To the youth caught up in the system today - remember, you 
still have tomorrow. 

So as you sit where you are today, think about how you 
will live your life when this is all over. Today is the time to set 
goals in your life for tomorrow because you will have choices to 
make. I know that there's good in all of us but we have to bring 
it out so others can see the good and they won't assume that 
we are looking for trouble. Instead they will smile as you find 
your way back to living a positive life. 

While you are in the system, take advantage of it in school, 
and learn all you can so when you are back in the free world you 
will have a good head on your shoulders. We need education 
in order to make it in the real world, believe me, because if you 
don't use this time bettering yourself you will be back. How 
do I know? Because I've been there, caught up in the system 
and couldn't find a way out. It's no game. I started out in 
juvenile hall at a very young age and many years have passed 
by, and I'm still in the system. Yes, I'm in prison where life 
is so much different from juvenile hall. The game is over and 
every morning when I wake up I thank God that I have a release 
date, and I thank God for letting me find out about The Beat 
Within because The Beat Within really helps me stay focused. 
All of your stories in The Beat give me the chance to help give 
hope to the youth who are getting sent up state. Male and 
female, we are all in his together. That's why we must spread 
the word that we still have tomorrow. So be a friend today and 
let someone know that they still have tomorrow. Remember, 
your past doesn't have to be your future. Tell a friend! 

Looking Toward The Fotore 

Today we are forced to look at the choices we have made 
that got us where we are today. Even if you are in juvenile 
hall or CYA, it's not too late for change in your life. It's 
time to learn how to say I've had enough, regardless of 
what the homies think. You don't want to spend all your 
life locked up in a jail cell because you put in work for 
the home team so they would look up to you. 

I used to think like that, wanting everyone to like 
me. That meant being tough, going to juvenile hall. The 
homies still weren't satisfied, so I ended up in boy's 
ranch. My family was hurt because of my bad choices, 
but not my homies! They just thought I was tough and 
wanted me to put in work. I did what they wanted me to 
do because I wanted to fit in with them. But you know 
what happened? I got sent to CYA and my family started 
asking me what was I trying to prove by being locked 
up all the time. I didn't have an answer for them! I 
just knew I was screwing up my life because I wouldn't 

I know a lot of youth today are locked up from 
making poor choices or just trying to fit in with the 
crowd out there. That's how I got where I am today. I'm 
in prison because I refused to change. As a result, I've 
spent most of my life in the system. I don't want any 
of you believing you have to be tough or in a gang to 
be happy, because if you look where you are today, you 
can see being tough or cool in a gang ain't making you 
happy now! I miss my family and friends, and the people 
who truly care about me. They are the ones who know 
life is great when you live it right. 

It's not too late to change because this time will be 
over one day and we get to prove to ourselves that we 
have changed. So today, start looking forward to the 
future and remember, it's a long journey ahead! But 
we will make it, because God is always watching over 
us. So when the holidays come, know that you are not 
alone. Food for thought: I am a better person today! 

WW V |Y|J ^ HH IYU CRC, Norco, CA sent in the 
l\CI I n JMYII I n following pieces. Keith is 
from East Palo Alto and has spent most of his adult life in the prison 
system. He's spent a lot of time reflecting on his life, and now feels 
compelled to speak out to young people in the hopes that he can warn 
then about making the same mistakes he made. He writes with lots of 
passion and lots of heart. 

A Message To Oor Youth 

Today there is so much peer pressure in our communities that we 
need to take a stand and let our voices be heard in the schools and 
in our homes, even in juvenile hall where it's really bad because 
a lot of you youth think you have to prove that you are tough to 
fit in with the peers there. But it ain't about that. It's all about 
letting your peers know who you really are, even at the after-school 
workshops. Let a friend know that he or she don't have to belong to 
a gang or sell drugs or break any other laws to be cool. Being cool 
is taking care of your business by going to school, getting involved 
in after-school workshops, even sports, so you start to see the real 
you and other people and friends see the real you. 

I am from the Bay Area, and I used to think it was cool to hang 
out on the street corners late at night with my crew. But every 
time I went to juvenile hall or to camp the only one who really truly 
cared was my mom. I couldn't see that, so I kept on doing the same 
things. Before I knew it, I was in CYA, still trying to be cool. When 
I got out I was so blind from peer pressure that I kept blowing my 
life, trying to be cool. I've spent over half of my life in the system. 
I'm 48 years old and waiting to get out of prison. Life is too short 
to live it like this. Yes, I have learned my lesson, but look how 
long it took! I'm telling you this, hoping you will listen, so that 
you don't go through life like me, trying to take the easy way. The 
only easy way is the right way. Young men and young women, you 
can still make a difference like I'm trying to do today by warning 
people about poor choices. It's not too late. Remember, change is 
good even if you are sitting in juvenile or CYA. It's not too late to 
start making positive choices in your life. I'm doing it and I want 
to give back to my community any way I can because I know I will 
be helping save a life. So let your voice be heard and you will be 
helping save a life in your community. Remember, anything the 
mind believes, the mind can achieve - within reason! Tell a friend. 

Life is All Right! 

Maybe you're in juvenile hall right now, but life is all right, 
because we still have tomorrow to be a better person. It's 
human to make mistakes in life, but the key is to learn from the 
mistakes we make. A lot of our mistakes are from poor choices 
which means that if we set some goals in our life on how to be 
a better person (male or female) we will start to lean away from 
the street life and start getting involved with positive peers. 

If we want to be happy we have to surround ourselves with 
positive people. I know a lot of us are tired of being away from 
our family and sitting in juvenile hall! It's time to stand up and 
take control of our lives because we believe me, the streets are 
full of dreams and one day we wake up and find out it was all 
just a dream! Don't spend your life dreaming because life is all 
right when you are doing the right things - like helping others 
understand how to deal with life's blows and by turning to a 
friend to talk to. At the end of the day that's what friends are 
for - someone to help you understand that you're not alone. 
We all have struggles and a lot of times it's peer pressure from 
the community because of all the chaos that goes on in a 
community. Sometimes we get caught up in it and start making 
poor choices. 

Today, even in juvenile hall, life is all right because we are 
learning that we still have a future. As yourself this: How do 
I become a better person? We must keep looking up because 
God is seeing us through all of this, even the tears that we cry! 
Talk to someone about what you are going through today and I 
think you will feel a lot better. I talk to my friend about what I'm 
going through being locked up and it really helps. Even when 
your P.O. comes up, tell him or her what you are really going 
through and the goals that you are setting to better yourself so 
you will have a better future. As the holidays approach, just 
remember that we still have tomorrow and that's what makes 
life all right! Your past doesn't have to be your future! 


^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 


Twinkles ail Riot leer 

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long 
trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with 
Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and then he started 
his journey. 

When he had gone about 6-blocks, he met an old man. 
He was sitting in the park just staring at some birds. The 
young boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. 
He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he 
noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him 
a Twinkie. 

The old man gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. 
His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it 
again, so he also offered him a root beer. 

Again he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They 
both sat there all afternoon eating, drinking and smiling, 
but they never once said a word to each other. 

As it grew dark, the little boy realized how tired he was 
and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a 
few yards, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and 
gave him a hug. He gave the young boy his biggest smile 

When the boy opened the front door to his house a short 
time later, his mom was surprised by the look of great joy 
on his face. She asked him, "Son what did you do today that 
made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." 
But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know 
what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!" 

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned 
to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on 
his face and asked, "Dad, what did you do today to make 
you so happy?" He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with 
God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You 
know, he's much younger than I expected. 

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a 
smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, 
or the smallest act of caring all of which have the potential 
to turn a life around. 

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a 
lifetime. Embrace all equally! Take a few moments to thank 
the people who have touched your life in a special way. Give 
them a hug and let them know how important they are. 
with God! 

yve lunch wi 


He Keeps The Key 

Is there some problem in your life to solve, 
Some passage seeming full of mystery? 
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light. 
He keeps the key. 

Is there some door closed by the Father's hand 

Which widely opened you had hoped to see? 
Trust God and wait- for when he shuts the door 
He keeps the key. 

Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet, 
Or answered not as you had thought 't would be? 
God will make clear Hid Purpose by-and-by. 
He keeps the key. 

Have patience with your God, your patient God, 
All wise, all knowing, no longer tarrier He, 
And of the door of all thy future life 
He keeps the key. 

Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest, 

To know of every door He keeps the key, 

That He at last when just He sees 'tis best, 

Will give it thee. 

K That He at last when just He sees tis best, 

^ Will give it thee. 


It is easy to maintain your faith and belief and hope when you are 
outside, surrounded by loved ones. But the true test, is can you still 
connect with that good feeling when bound by the dehumanizing 
walls of this system? Herbert Schweigert does more than pass that 
test... in the following writings he shows us what true inspiration 
can mean. This is about as much of a holiday moment as we could 
hope for. 

I recall shaking, unwrapping and rewrapplng gift 
packages from all of w/ parent's hiding places 
to see If I was getting all the stuff I put down 
on wtf list! 

A Very Merry Christmas 

I am determined this year to have a VERY MERRY 
CHRISTMAS! Regardless of my incarcerated 
circumstances, I am also determined this year to share 
the true spirit of the holiday with as many people as I 
can, Jesus! He is the reason for the season. 

Sadly my earliest memories of Christmas were 
centered on the gifts I'd received. I remember every 
year in my youth I was on a secret mission to discover, 
hopefully in advance, what I was getting that year. I recall 
shaking, unwrapping and rewrapping gift packages from 
all of my parents hiding places to see if I was getting all 
the stuff I put down on my list! And did a lot of other bad 
things too. 

But my life of "Christmas Crime" and crime in general 
all changed when I finally received Christ Jesus a real 
stand up guy as my personal Savior. For the first rime in 
my life friends, Jesus became the central figure in my 
life during this holiday. Not Santa Claus, not Frosty the 
Snowman, not Rudolph or even presents. 

Christmas was all about the greatest gift I had 
ever received from my heavenly father - A personal 
relationship with his son! My friends, the real Christmas 
story is an amazing tale of deep and profound love. John 
3:16-17 in the Bible states, "For God loved the world so 
much that he gave his one and only son, so that everyone 
who believes in him will not perish but will have eternal 
life. God sent his son into the world not to judge the 
world, but to save the world through him." 

Jesus' birth is an amazing story of how the Lord 
God would bring redemption to us, giving each of us the 
right and ability to receive Jesus as our Lord and Savior. 
Every year even here in prison, my joy grows as I enter 
into the Christmas season. I am no longer bent on trying 
to figure out what gifts I am getting for Christmas. I am 
now eager to un-wrap the endless riches that accompany 
a life surrendered to his Lordship. 

My prayer for each of you wherever you are in juvenile, 
jail, prison, or at home, that this holiday season is that 
you try and stay focused on the gift of a lifetime, Christ 
Jesus himself. Enjoy the presents if any, the fruit-cake, 
the constant sound of Christmas songs, watching the 
latest holiday movie, the games, and whatever else you 
do or can do in your circumstances to celebrate. But 
remember to tell people about Jesus, what he has done 
for you, and how much he means to you - and don't 
forget to tell him too! 

May His Love overwhelm each of you in the 

Lastly, oh, and wish everyone a Merry Christmas! 

^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 




There came a day I lost it all, and couldn't see God's 


What was now gone, tomorrows too, all gone without a 


I never saw it coming, no, I never saw a sign, 

Blind, deaf and dumb, I wandered on believing all was 


My wisdom turned to foolishness, my truths all turned 

to lies, 

The day my light went out in prison, and darkness 

covered up my cries. 

No one heard, and no one cared, no one even knew, 

Time had ceased, all things changed, and nothing 

could I do. 

What had I done? What was to be? Nightmare or 


I never dreamed that such an animal could become 

apart of me. 

Endless days, and endless nights, of endless streams 

of tears, 
In anguish like I'd never known devoured in hellish 

I shook, I quaked, I cried, "Oh, God" for mercy I did 


A word, a touch, a ray of hope I desperately did need. 

And then from somewhere, out of sight, a whisper I did 


"Fear not, my lost and lonely child, for I am standing 



A Mother's Love 

I grabbed out like a drowning man, and felt His hand 

grab mine, 
The current raged- it pulled at me but I clung to His 


And when at last, He pulled me out, and gave me life 


I found, He had a better life, than anything I knew. 

The joy I feel is like a stream, that never will run dry, 

The peace I feel within my heart, comes from God on 

Redemption is a blessing paid for, by His perfect Son; 
I'm so thankful Jesus found me in prison, when I had 
^ no place else to run! 

Long long ago: or so I have been told, 

Two angels once met on streets paved with gold. 

"By the stars in your crown," said one to the other 

"I see that on earth you too were a mother." 

"And by the blue- tinted halo you wear, 
You too have see much sorrow and deep despair." 

"Ah, yes," she replied, "I once had a son 
A sweet little lad, full of much laughter and fun." 

"But tell of your child." "Oh, I knew I was blessed 

From the moment I first held him to my breast. 

And my heart almost burst with great joy of that day." 

"Ah, yes," said the other, "I felt the same way." 

The former continued, " The first step he took 

So eager and breathless- the sweet startled look 

Which came over his little face- he trusted me so." 

"Ah, yes," sighed the other, "How well so I know!" 

"But soon he ha grown to a tall handsome boy 

So stalwart and kind- and it gave me such joy 

To have him just walk down the street by my side." 

"Ah, yes," said the other, "I felt the same pride." 

"How often I shielded, and spared him from pain 

And when he for others, was so cruelly slain." 

"When they crucified him- and they spit in his face, 

How gladly I would have, hung there in his place!" 

A moment of silence- "Oh, then you are she- 

The Mother of Christ Jesus," and she fell to one knee; 

But the blessed one raised her up, drawing her near, 

And kissed from the cheek of the women, a tear. 

"Please tell me the name of the son you loved so, 

That I may share with you your grief and your woe." 

She lifted her tear stained eyes, looking straight at the other, 

"He was Judas Iscariot, I am his mother." 

Me And Ynu 

Me holding you, and you holding me, 

together forever is where we will be. 

Me kissing you, and you kissing me, 

lips connected together, so tender and sweet. 

You, love, and me are three of a kind, 

very tight bond together combined. 

So, so, so close, just inches away, 

just one more inch and forever we stay. 

Me and you, you and me together as one, 

from morning wake, to the disappearing sun. 

Through out the morning, noon and beautiful night, 

■ ■ ■ * f* ^M W% ■ #■ Check out this poem by one of our 
LIL WnillJ favorite and most loyal writers.... 
He captures an eternal truth. Every great love story has three great 
characters: the two lovers and then the great emotion they share 
between the two of them which has a life a story and an energy all its 
own. That love is the part that's free, no matter how many walls lie 
between the lovers. 

No matter what, when, and where, we will forever remain 


Me you, you and me, you and me, me and you, 

No matter what the circumstances, weather 

Its love, fun, business or just mutual 

It's still me and you! 

^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 

I Cry 


I cry because I don't understand the mentality of our 

children today. . . I cry 

I cry because I think about the society our children are 

growing up in... I cry 

I cry when I turn on the news and see what the world has 

accepted as our society. . . I cry 

I cry when I hear our youth talking about God... I cry 

I cry when I see our youth wasting their lives in the 

streets... I cry 

I cry when I hear out youth talking aback to their parents 

and other adults... I cry 

I cry when I see and hear discrimination because of race, 

gender or beliefs... I cry 

I cry when I see our youth hooked on drugs... I cry 

I cry when I hear and see [parents give up on their 

children... I cry 

From The Daddy Who Missed Everything 

I have two daughters. They say they look just like me. 
Correction, they say they look just like me, but beautiful, 
whatever that means. They love to tell me when people 
mention that. I don't get jealous because they are supposed 
to look better than me. Monique is 19 and Ardrana is three 
years younger than her sister. 

They are teenagers now. Sometimes that's hard to 
believe. It seems like just yesterday that I was making sure 
their car seat was properly secured and that I had enough 
diapers in the baby-tote-bag. 

My younger daughter Ardrana, the older she gets, the 
more I realize I'm in trouble again. Just last year I was 
comparing her with Olive Oyl, because of her stick-like 
frame. Now I can definitely see the outline of a figure, a 
small waist, hips, butt and breast. All of the things I hoped 
she wouldn't develop are slowly taking form. Somewhere I 
can see my ex-girlfriend reading this, laughing to herself 
and thinking, yeah Shawn payback is a b--! Ain't it? 

My conversations with my younger daughter are a little 
stale. They pretty much consist of me telling her, "do good 
in school," "Daddy loves you" and "little boys are evil." I 
know I should start talking to her as openly as I talk to my 
older daughter, but that's my baby girl. I'm not ready for 
her to grow up. I mean, can't boy craziness wait? Does she 


Loving fathers watching a child grow behind bars. Parenting always 
means having to watch a beloved baby grow its own will, own ideas, 
own mistakes... but its even worse when you're trying to hold on to 
a loved one from behind that locked gate - like trying to hold smoke 
in your arms. Feel Shawns love - no less strong from being forced 
into distance. Then read "I Cry," and you will understand that Shawn 
" "lis daughters, he feels for the entire next 
generation that his words are reaching out to. 

I cry when I hear or see our children killing one another, 

and we keep quiet about it... I cry 

I cry for the souls of our children... I cry 

I cry when I see single Moms raising kids without a father 

figure in their lives... I cry 

I cry everyday because the dreams, goals and excitement 

was violently taken from my friend 

Antron-feel good- Barfleld by a coward... I cry 

I cry looking at the future of our youth... I cry 

have to throw Elmo so soon? I know I'm fighting a losing 
battle; but surrendering to Father Time is not an option, 
not yet anyway. 

Maybe it's the guilt I feel from not being there for my 
kids during their formative years. Something inside me 
wants to slow the clock down in an attempt to make up for 
all the time I've lost being incarcerated. All of their birthday 
parties, step shows, Christmas mornings; I'll never be able 
to get these moments back. 

It reminds me of what my daughters told me during a 
visit, "Daddy you missed everything." The confirmation of 
their words made the point hit home even harder. 

The sad part about it is that I'm not alone in my absence. 
There are a number of fathers, without the excuse of being 
incarcerated, who are non-existent in their children's 
lives. They let things like their jobs, the street and women 
sidetrack them from spending time with the people that 
matter the most; the little guys and girls who look just like 
them and share their last name. I know because, like them, 
I also took for granted the idea that I'd always have time to 
spend with my children. 

Now, as I watch my seed to sprout from a distance, I 
wonder where the time went. That is why it is important 
to show love and affection to your offspring whenever you 
have t he opportunity. 

A Thought For Today 

Today I sit and look at my life up to this point. I look at the 
highs and the lows, the joy and laughter as well as the pain; 
the tears, which were shed when I was born, and the tears, 
which cried out when I was given a sentence of 33 years to 
life. None of these things can I change, nor can I rectify. 

Friendship was once a gift that I gave freely, and those who 
I gave this gift were the ones who betrayed me the most. 

Love, there can never be such a thing, considering all of 


Brian If. Stafford who writes us the following reflective pieces from 
Corcoran State Prison. 


those who claimed to be loyal. Where are they now? 

Hate, what does it mean? I harbor none, for I can only hate 
when I am the object of attention. 

Today these things went through my mind as I drifted off 
into a light sleep. I can't explain why, yet it is the answer 
that I seek.... 

^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 

Lost One 

Born two weeks early 
Premature into this life 
At the time I didn't know 
This was the start of struggle and 

A broken home can't describe it 
Was never a home to start with 
Mom and Dad living together 
They just couldn't handle it 
The streets called from a young age 
The draw attracted me 
I knew it was out there 
And I couldn't wait to see 
Crawling out my window 
Up and over the back fence 
Off into the night 
Of alley culture and suspense 
Neon lights shine 
Bag ladies with no teeth 
Calling me honey 
Plotting on how to get me 
Walking zombies 
Left over from the crack age 
Midwest girls turned hookers 
Lost on the city stage 
Teen runaways are my kin 
Tent cities in the park 
Gutter life had me addicted 
From the very start 
Sneak back home with the sunrise 
School starts at eight 
Coming home at all will end soon 
You can't make this crooked life 

One day I'm gone for good 
I can hear the hurt in my mom's 

The next bath I get 
Will be in some massage parlor 
Money's not a problem 
You take whatever you need 
16 years old and I'm living 
At life's highest speed 
Caught up in a rut 
At such a young age 
When I eventually do sleep 
I'm kept warm by a sports page 
New kids come 
Jus as quick as they go 
Living lost, caught in the ebb 
Of life's ruthless flow 
We all use drugs 
Whatever high we can get 
Lost in the hustle 
Trapped in the street life's net 
Friends don't last long 

Jt M ^ HI! ^ V E%#B n ^% ™ s piece is f rom Adam Azevedo who 
w\MJw\Xwm MmEYEI/v writes in from San Quentin Reception Center 
where he's been for 10 months, still waiting to be sent to the prison where he will serve his 

Together one day, the next we are 


Just yesterday 

I saw my best friend on a milk carton 

His family loves him 

And they'll never stop the search 

We don't want to be found 

For them, that's what really hurts 

We could have been anything 

Gone to college and had fun 

Some wanted to be all-stars 

I guess I just wanted to be a bum 

Begging for quarters 

For just a bite to eat 

In the rain who needs shelter 

I'll just skip another night's sleep 

Some sell their bodies 

But all have sold their soul 

Searching for a life's dream 

A family, to be made whole 

One day I see a family 

Both parents and all 

Knowing I can have a home too 

With just one humbling call 

Maybe I'll call Mom 

With my very last quarter 

I walk to the phone booth 

Only to find it out of order 

I guess it's a sign 

I fall asleep in a bus stop 

Left alone by the tourists 

Awoken by a street cop 

"Keep it movin' kid 

You can't sleep here!" 

I spin off down the street 

To go steal me a beer 

1 drink the beer down 

In an alley behind a strip club 

Just another example 

Of money being life's true love 

A girl gets off early 

Asks me to walk her home 

It's dangerous in these streets 

For a pretty girl all alone 

We walk through the fog 

My empty stomach makes this walk 

seem long 

Other kids our age in a limo 

Pass by on their way to their prom 

What could have been 

Was lost in the street scene 

2 kids seem so old 

To be only sixteen 

I'll sleep in a bed tonight 

The first time in 9 weeks 

But this girl doesn't sleep 

She's skinny because she tweeks 

She offers me some dope 

Party for my birthday 

I almost forgot 

I'm 17 now but who cares anyway 

She passes the needle 

I've never tried this before 

The high is euphoric 

I won't be the same anymore 

We use into the morning 

I'm lost in a haze 

Who knows? 

Maybe this will be the first of many 

better days 

I start to remember home 

Mom's cooking that green bean pie 

Birthday cake and presents 

Seem to have just floated by 

Birthday parties and video games 

Friends in the backyard 

Who would have thought 

I'd choose a life so hard 

At least she's got my little brother 

Maybe he'll make her proud 

He was always a good kid 

Runs with a good crowd 

They probably don't miss me 

Life gets busy enough 

Besides it was always my fault 

Whenever their life got rough 

But now that's past 

Keep my mind on my next meal 

Will I be able to beg 

Or will I have to go and steal 

On my way to the store 

My stripper friend comes to my side 

She's been sobbing and crying 

She looks broken inside 

I ask her what's wrong 

She says it's hard to explain 

I tell her "let it out" 

I would probably feel the same 

She cries and says she's just left the 


I feel her pain and see she's afraid 

She says she got tested 

And just found out she's got AIDS 

To be continued 

^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 

Song Of Sorrow 

The Beat plays on. 

Sweet melody that pulls my heart strings. Invoking 
a melee of profound thoughts and tangents. 

The horror of love lost- disrespected emotions, 
twisted, tortures soul. 

Eyes full of bitter tears and bitten back words that 
were swallowed like poison. 

Forgotten memories found only through oain, now 
cherished and coveted. 

This is my song of sorrows. 

RUBERT LAvEf body, you can lock up 
a future, you can lock up assets. But can you lock up a man's voice? 
Robert Lacey says no. Lacey uses his voice to share his pain, his love, 
and his beautiful "Song of Sorrows" with The Beat Within and its 
readers, and even though he sings of sorrov " 

his openness of heart lift us up with joy. Read on to see why. 

Poetry In Motion 

Smoke filled room with swirling over head fan. The clink 
of frozen water in my glass. I sit, and watch as the brite 
spot light settles on the lone figure on stage. 

She sits, on redwood stroll, reciting her love into 
leaning mic stand. My eyes play across her youthful 
face, skin unblemished, yet mature and sexy. This 
liquid pools of brown that are her eyes. The arch lips, 
the flashes of white teeth, as her poetry is set free to 
mingle in my mind. 

So beautiful, o delicate, the cadence of her voice and 
flow holds me spell bound. Her eyes scan the crowded 
tables, finally to rest upon me. I smile, a smile from my 
heart to convey the thought, I'm feeling you. Her flow 
falters yet only I hear, that unperceptible change in 
pitch, that recognition of love seeking love. And in that 
instant, in a smoke filled room love found love, through 
poetry in motion. 

At the end of her verses she stood amongst the snaps 
of fingers and heart felt praise. I stood on shaking legs 
and prideful chest. My mind playing the phrase poetry 
in motion. You see I love that women and the way her 
words echo in my brain yes I love that women filled with 
passion love and pain. 

My Voice 

Today I found my voice among the multitudes. Rising, 
ringing its unique cadence to the masses. 

Troubled waters, reflecting the turmoil of a seeking 
soul, tossed to and pro in its search for home, for 
something greater than it's self. Reaching for a higher 
plateau of understanding of self and the plane it 

Bound by the flesh, yet still shinning exquisite in 
its metamorphosis. It's many facets still reflecting 
experiences and learned lessons, shared easily and 

I watch in rapt fascination, unable to feel anything 

but bursting admiration, a sense or awe at sharing in 

it's sharing, and knowing that, I too shall soon become 

something more than the sun of my parts. 

^ passion love and pain. 


Through The Pain 

Again I open the pages of memory and thought, in order 
to bring my emotional keys to bare against your heart. 

I struggle to find the right combination to open your 
soul. Though we are kindred in spirit, your resistance is 
testament of painful past; of unsuccessful love. 

You were your heartache like battle gear. Your 
compassion like a blunted sword. Your heart frozen 
behind a steel veneer of mistrust and cynical thoughts. 

Your wit has crushed lesser men, but I see your soul 
trapped, yearning for release. Your passion, still burning 
within the ice of your pain. 

I seek only your freedom. 

To Whom It May Concern 


Do you you know what it is to be a sav? Is it not givin' a ...? 
Smashin' at all costs? What? I thought that's what it do. 

Now, I'm not so sure. I've changed quite a bit from the 
person I was on the streets. I no longer bang, smash for a 
number or color, use drugs, or act like a bully. I try not judge 
others- though it's hard sometimes- based on where they lived 
or who they associated with. I don't see every small slight as 
disrespect to be handled with force. I've always considered 
myself a family man ( good father, attentive husband) and an 
emotionally invested in my relationship. It was my reason for 
doing good, coming home, changing all my old patterns. 

Well, my relationship is deteriorating. I can't give her 
the physical attention she needs, and she won't give me the 
affection I crave. No letters, no reassurance of love, no attempt 
to go the extra mile to show me we are in love, nothing. I'm 
not content with a visit once a month alone. I'm not a back up 
plan, nor there just when it's convenient for her, no matter how 
much she professes she loves me at our visits. 

I simply refuse to believe someone who loves me can't 
spend .41 cent on a stamp and 15 minutes on a letter once a 
month. Am I not worth that much? So, it's over. And with it, my 
motivation for going home. Ever. Why should I overlook those 
who step on my toes now? What's there for me on the street 
that I should overlook debts owed to me and allow people to 

that I 

heart from the mighty Ray Sanchez.... After you read this truth-telling 
powerhouse of a piece, tell us whether or not you think you are a 
true "Sav" according to the way Ray brilliantly redefines it. 'To Whom 
it May Concern" he says. Does it concern you? Thanks Ray! We miss 
hearing from you ©I" friend! 

take advantage of my kindness? 

It's easy to revert back to a thuggish attitude. To keep my 
heart calloused and shove people away, not allowing anyone 
to get close enough to hurt me again. Why not be feared and 
respected in prison? I'm a lifer anyway right? Shouldn't I just 
"sav it out"? What can you do to one who has nothing to lose? 
Might as well give up and give in to a gangsta mentality, right? 

Actually... to me, that's not a savage; that's a coward. It 
has taken this to waken me up to it. Giving up and giving in 
is simply quitting. Hiding from life and all its risks. Lacking 
the courage to do what is right. That's the very definition of 
cowardism. And I am no coward. A sav is one who strives, even 
when there is no reason to keep struggling on. Someone who 
refuses to give up. I refuse to give up. I refuse to break or be 
conquered by this prison, my misfortunes, or my heart. No 
matter how much I want to - and God knows I want to - 1 refuse 
to quit on life, on love. I'm going home one day. Whether it be 
18 years from now, or 35, I will go home. And when I do, I'll 
shine. That's a sav. 


^TU^Btat WJ&out 


VOLUME 12.46 

Your Love Was My Escape 

Lost in love with you. You are my only escape out all this 

pain and misery amongst lives greatest doubt. 

By abandoning myself, I've given you all of me to hold, 

prisoner, captive in chains, or as a dove set free. 
Searching for an escape, I'm convinced you're my only 


An escape out this evil, I can no longer cope. Though, 

your love and heart proclaim neither belongs to me, 

How compelling would your words have been and set free. 

By yielding all of me, I've yielded the power to destroy. 

For amongst your love would have escaped your baby boy. 

My need for you to say don't go and you love me, 

Went unnoticed, for you didn't and I went and now am 

unable to flee. 

Lying here I realize love has the power to rescue or 


For I yearned for you to rescue a now forgotten baby boy. 


Wild Horse 

If I could be an animal I'll be a wild horse, 

Lost in the wild, free from life's tragic remorse. 

Running alongside the wind, my soul would be free, 

No more chains of captivity, only the wild and me. 

Amongst nature I'd run and play all day, 

Under the sun and moon which in time fade away, 

No more tears, no more fear, amongst my face and 


Welcome joy, welcome happiness, please never part, 

Playing in the wild, journeying on lives beautiful 

If I could be an animal, I would be a wild horse. 

11 1 c< 



Soars of Reality 

The time I've wasted is my biggest regret, s 

pent in these places I'll never forget. . . 

Just sitting and thinking of the things I've done, 

the crying, the laughing, the hurt and the fun... 

Now it's just me and my hard driven guilt, 

behind a wall of emptiness I allowed to be built... 

Trapped in my body just wanting to run, 

back to my youth with it's laughter and fun... 

The chase is over there's no place to hide, 

everything is gone including my pride... 

With reality right in my face, 

playin with guns is a whole new case... 

Now memories of the past flash through my head, 

and the pain is obvious by the tears I shed... 

I ask myself why and where I went wrong, 

I guess I was weak 


writing from the California Correctional Institution in Tehachapi, 
CA, blows us away with a short, but tremendous poem titled, "Wild 
Horse." We thought it was tremendous because with each line we could 
picture a horse running wild and being free to do whatever it pleases. 
And to be all the way honest, we found ourselves wanting to be wild 
horses too, but only after reading. This is the mark of a very fine 
writer because he not only shared something with us from his thought 
process, but he also put us in the exact same place he was in when he 
was having these thoughts. He ends one of his two remarkable poems 
by saying that inside him is a "now forgotten baby boy." But in the 
poem he brings that boy, and that boys tears and hope, back to speak 
in a voice we can't ignore. If a life lives only in a poem, does that make 
it any less alive? We recognize his extraordinary writing talent and 
we know you will too. 

Tree Wisdom I'll Forever Hold 

I've fumbled and stumbled along this road 

Held lives flame for warmth, yet remained cold. 

My destiny was written before my birth, 

No audition for this part, just part on earth 

Many wasted talents left behind this bitter taste 

A tread of love, pain and misery embraced. 

What creator creates a misleading way? 

The soil nurtures the seed that's pedals the wind casts 


Fighting invisible forces that always win, 

Captivates the should no longer determined to begin 

Branded rebel is the intellectual or common sense 


No longer blinded or easily manipulated his ways are 


What form of death welcomes no soul? 

Live for the moment for the next who may know. 

Mental prisons constantly built, you choose to enter 

Chains remain physical for the strong mental 


Minds penetrate walls; they're the key to heaven 

He, who limits, passes no clouds or stars to reach 


Cries of weakness is another's laughter and pride 

The misinturpitation of weakness devastates the pride 

I've fumbled and stumbled along this road 

Now true wisdom I'll forever hold. 

■ a nil ec n ai#i c Wel1 let our ,oval reader 

i##%lwlE«9 l#^%lrl^ James Davis speak for 
himself. To you young writers who give us your best in workshop... 

hearts and souls in our pages, there are readers like James who 
feel your hearts beat and then feel their own hearts beat to your 

When I should of been strong... 
I pretended to be rugged, so fast and so cool, 
actually I was lost like an ol' blinded fool... 

I'm growing out of this tiresome game, 

of acting real hard with no sense of shame... 

What the future holds I don't really know, 

but the years I've wasted are starting to show. . . 

I just live for the day when I'll get a new start, 

and the dreams I still hold deep in my heart. . . 

I hope I can make it, I at least have to try, 

'cause I'm heading toward death and I don't want to die! 

^Poyo it^ocxj-iouc^ 


From The Beat: The following POW Throwbaclcs are taken from our 
website from over the years. Enjoy! 

Reflection #0 by Vincent, posted Nov 30, 2005 

Saturday, September 10, 2005 — Music, I love music, R and B 
mostly, filled to the top with expression in song! The first time I 
noticed how much I liked music, I must have been like seven or 
eight years old. 

I remember, it was the day after the Notorious BIG had been 
shot. My foster sister, Maria, didn't like his music, so when 
she heard he had been killed, she put on some R and B. I can't 
remember exactly what song it was, but I can remember standing at 
the bottom of the steps, listening. The words floated down and met 
my ears, making me pause from playing on the phone. 

Then as I got older, I got my own radio. I would listen to Black 
Street, Darnell Jones and Dru Hill. The words to these songs 
touched me in some type f way. I would sit by my radio for hours 
and listen to the same CD until I learned every song on the album. 

When I was a St. Vincent's, I began trying to sing. People would 
tell me, "Vincent, you can sing!" I never really believed them. Then 
I found myself at a group home called "Starlight" in San Jose. The 
group home was co-ed and had a school, pool, gym and field. It was 
sort of like St. Vincent's, only without the horses and open land 
around it. 

At Starlight there were always programs to attend. As soon as 
I was moved from Juvenile Hall to Starlight, that very same day, I 
was asked what I liked to do. I told them I liked to sing and to write. 
I was told that there was a talent show happening, and I was asked 
if I wanted to be in it. Hell yeah, I wanted to be in the talent show! 

There was a kid there who had some CD's and a little portable 
CD player which he let me use. The song was by Tupac and Jon B. 
— "Baby, Are You Still Down?" I practiced for two weeks, making 
sure I had all of the words right and was on beat. I had to make a 
good impression! Slowly the day of the talent show drew nearer, 
and I grew nervous. I had never sung in front of a whole bunch of 
people I didn't know. Plus, there would be girls there listening. I 
was really nervous! 

The day came, and all of the staff, kids and workers from 
Starlight, filled the cafeteria, plus some families of others who 
were performing in the show as well. I sat in the back of the room 
and watched, as one by one, kids got up on the makeshift stage to 
sing or to rap their hearts out. That day I wore a brand new pair 
of Sean John jeans with bleached patches and a matching shirt, a 
pair of wing tips graced my feet, and my hair was freshly cut, lined 
and waved. I was looking the part! Now all I had to do was play the 

When my name was called, I didn't hear it! My mind had floated 
away, and when they called me by my middle name, I didn't even 
hear it. Somebody nudged me, "Hey! They called you!" I stood up, 
slowly walked to the front, handed the DJ my CD with the beat to 
the song, and took the mic'. The beat started, and I looked at the 
sea of faces before me. I couldn't do it! "Go, Ray!" said a girl named 
Lydia who I was talking to — what was I going to do? I couldn't just 
stand there and look at these people looking at me! 

So, I turned around, turned my back to them all. The base 
line dropped: "Left once again at home ... another night on your 
own ... ain't no fun in lovin' if you do it alone ...." Slowly I turned 
back around. My eyes closed. "Girl, it's all right ...." I was already 
halfway through the song when I opened my eyes. The first face 
I saw was Lydia's; he mouth hung wide open, just like everyone 
else's! I smiled and continued to sing: "Girl, it's all riiiight, baby 
yeah." As I ended and the beat died, the cafeteria erupted into 
applause! Everybody was on their feet! I felt so good that day. 

"Boy! You need to be out there making records with that 
voice!" said a parent as I walked back to my seat. Everyone wanted 
to know how I learned to sing so well. I couldn't tell them. I guess 
I learned just by listening and singing all the songs I listened to. I 
knew I could sin, but not that well. I mean that day I knew I really 
had — have — a talent for singing. 

I started singing more, and, since I love writing, I wrote some 
song lyrics. I wrote a couple of songs and sent them out to music 
labels even though I didn't really expect anything to come of it. 
You couldn't even imagine how I felt when a year and a half later, I 

received that letter in the mail! I sat in my cell on August fifteenth, 
reading a book, when I heard something getting pushed under 
the door. I looked down to see an envelope with my name on it. 
Thinking it was a letter from my mom or one of my girlfriends, I got 
up slowly, marked my page, stretched and picked up the letter off 
the floor. 

First I looked at the address. "Who is this?" I asked myself 
out loud while studying the postmark on the envelope. I opened 
the envelope gingerly so as not to rip it nor the letter inside. As I 
pulled the letter out and unfolded it, I could feel my eyes grow big: 
"Special Recording Contract of the Month," it read at the top of the 
page in bold letters! Slowly I read the letter, not just reading but 
absorbing each word. "We'd like to get you into the studio, free of 
cost ...." 

I finished the letter and couldn't help but jump for joy! "Yeeahh! 
Hey yeah! Wowww!" I yelled as I danced around my cell! The letter 
had noted that if I did not contact the people at the studio (Edlee 
Studios, to be exact), that my file would be terminated after three 
weeks. Now I knew there was no way I was going to Florida to 
record an album, but I had accomplished something nevertheless! 
Somebody in the industry had read my writing and wanted to help 
me join the music scene! 

I was not upset about not getting into the studio — I was 
happy, so very happy. Down the line, one day I could say, "I do 
write music and am known!" I just sat there in my cell, reading 
the letter over and over again. I gave a copy to my lawyer to show 
to the judge and to the district attorney. When I went to court, the 
judge and the DA saw the deal written out in black and white. I had 
talent, the revelation of which (along with my many publications 
in The Beat Within, as well as the story I've already related about 
what happened to me, more than once, in the "care" of the system) 
weighed heavily in the DA's decision to pull the legal motion to 
charge me as an adult! I love music, to say the least! 

I called Sayida. She is really playing games, but we talked and 
she seems like she is at least ready to give a playa a chance. In 
other news, Juvenile is quieter than usual. There are only four 
people in "Boys' Control". It's deserted down here. It's feels like all 
my peers are gone, which underscores my feeling that it is really 
time for me to leave this place! I am the last of the 2000 crew! After 
I leave here there will be a whole new crew — and they don't have 
any idea of what is in the future if they keep on messing up (like I 

A new Alameda County Juvenile Hall facility is being built, and 
it will be much different from this one. There won't be any acting 
out or fighting — they say the new Juvenile Hall is supposed to be 
like Santa Rita. I just hope that at some point these youngsters 
cans top messing up the way they keep doing, because the way the 
system is starting to tighten up, it's all bad! 

Oh, Moms is really eager for me to get out. I can't wait to see 
and feel what family life will be like on the outs living with my 
mom! I never thought I would be this close to my mother — she was 
always so distant, but now she is right here for me! I am always so 
happy to see her smiling face during visiting time. She was in such 
a good mood today, a very good mood. I also spoke with Cassandra, 
but then the scan went off. We were having a civilized conversation 
one minute, then the next, I was being pushed off the phone! 

I hate this place so much! This was never a place for me, but 
I allowed myself to get sucked into the system — this crazy cold- 
hearted system that preys on young minorities! I hate it so much! 
The public defenders are corrupt, and so are the police. I wouldn't 
be surprised if the judge had a part to play in all that happens: 
Innocent people end up in prison for twenty and thirty years 
because of a crime they are merely suspected of doing! Families 
are torn apart! 

Wow! I have so much on my mind right now — like, George 
W. Bush! What is wrong with that man? Does he even understand 
how much he is effing up? All of the people that have died because 
of what he, and only he, believes! He needs to feel war, real war, 
up close and personal — like the war people face everyday when 
they wake up in Oakland! The war that is being fought on our own 
doorsteps! A war where it's everybody against everybody else! A 
fight for survival "of the fittest" in the streets where drugs, money, 
sex and violence rule! 

There are no rules to the war in the streets — it's all or nothing! 

I VOWTl-vou^U^ 


People turn up dead almost every other day! Little children caught 
by stray bullets! Mothers scorned! Fathers on crack and daughters 
selling their bodies for men who don't even respect themselves! 
Sons who are trying to feed their families the best way they know 
how, not knowing that his every move is being watched until the 
moment when they (the "system") put him in hail and he becomes 
yet another number, another source of dollars to those who run the 

I have seen mothers cry because their sons or daughters fell 
victim to a society built against them. I've seen people shot and the 
gunmen just walk away like nothing ever happened! Seen people no 
older than fifteen beaten because they didn't give the right amount 
of money back to whoever it is they were selling for! Seen young 
women walk the street at night when they should be at home ding 
homework or talking on the phone to a friend about work, school, 
boys, etc. 

Bush has seen none of this — all he knows is what he hears 
from his advisors. As a result he doesn't know anything about our 
reality. He thinks he knows everything but he doesn't anything 
about the war zone I live in, grew up in, twenty-four/seven. And like 
on nine/eleven, he can run away and hide whenever something goes 
wrong in his protected world. If somebody were to try to shoot him, 
he is well-protected at all a times. If somebody tries to shoot me, 
it's either I allow my life to be taken or I choose to be the one to 
take a life! 

Survival is the name of the game, I guess, and Bush is like the 
one pawn that always stood in the background until the board was 
clear enough for him to stroll down and become the most powerful 
piece playing. He may be queen for a day, but at the end of the 
game, everyone has to pay. And when he faces his Maker, what will 
he say? Before the throne of God — lies don't play!hem home. That 
will hurt anyone! 

Life Of SI Teei) by D-Frank, posted Aug 09, 2004 

It was hot outside. Summer was finally here. All year, working away 
in those classrooms, finding job after job, stressing over all of life's 
little extras: How would I pay for the senior trip? How much money 
was in my pocket? Where was my girlfriend? — normal things that 
we all worry about on a day-to-day basis. 

But everything seemed to be getting better. It was early May, 
and I was ready for summer to start. Summer has always been my 
favorite time of the year, next to Christmas. Anyways, this summer 
would be great! It was my last summer before I would be a senior 
in high school. On top of all this, I was ready to become an adult; I 
was going to be eighteen in June. 

I wasn't practicing with the football team this year, due to my 
back — I had fractured my spine during my JV season. So, pretty 
much, I would have a lot of time on my hands to make money, 
and, even better, to spend it. Yet I was disappointed when I knew 
football had fallen out of the picture. I always thought I would go 
somewhere with that. 

All right, back to what I was saying. This summer was looking 
good. My parents had finally gotten off my back about working, due 
to the fact that Applebee's Restaurant hired me as a server. So, I 
was set: great girlfriend, good job, ready to turn eighteen. 

Then, right when it all was feeling right, everything collapsed 
on me all at once. It was the weekend before school got out, and it 
was probably the biggest party of the year. I saw all my friends, and 
people I hadn't talked to in years. 

I really just thought of having a good time that night, so I did. 
And, being there at the party, I drank. Harmless, fun night; just 
normal kids getting ready for summer, celebrating the end of the 
school year. And, hell — with the success I had been having lately, 
I thought I deserved it. 

Well, the night went quick, and it was time to leave. I had 
already downed my last drink several hours before, and I thought I 
was fine to drive. So, I drove some friends home, and didn't get into 
trouble doing it. Then I arrived at the house of one of my friends, 
and he was insisting on going back: "There were still so many 
people there! Why not just hang out a little longer?" 

I kept resisting, saying that I was low on gas; I was tired; I just 
wanted to go home. But none of these things mattered to them. In 
truth, I really just didn't want to drive and risk getting caught up. 
And they kept on: "We'll give you gas money. You'll be home in a 
little while, don't trip. What's one more hour?" Eventually, I gave in 
and decided to take them back. 

Well, we got within one hundred yards of the party, and there 
had been a car accident. The roads were blocked, and it wasn't like 
there was another way in. We were pretty deep in the country, and 
this was the only road going there. 

We stopped and looked to see what had happened. It wasn't 
nobody we knew, so I turned around and started driving back. As 
I pulled out, my friends were laughing and shouting at the people 
who crashed — stuff like, "Dumb ass!" And "Learn how to drive!" 
But I paid no attention. I was ready to go home. 

One of my friend's older brother, was behind us on the way 
back. He had just left and wanted to follow me, for directions. Well, 
he began to flash his brights and sped up behind me. Of course, he 
was just messing around, but it was kind of nerve-racking at the 
time. Then my friends in the car started shouting, "Lose him! Step 
on it!" 

I started going faster. And that's when it happened. I saw a car 
turning in front of me, and there was no stopping what was about 
to happen — I was going to crash! 

It all happened so quick, but when it was over, all I heard were 
the voices of my friends yelling at me, not mad but scared. What 
were they supposed to think? 

The only thing I could think of, was to check on the other 
driver. I was not expecting what would happen next. He wasn't 

That's when I felt it hit me, about the worst pain in my life — 
not physical. My mind had been put in a blender and switched to 
liquefy! And I began to panic, not knowing what to do but to help 
this young man out of his car. 

I picked him up in my arms and carried him to the sidewalk. 
People were standing all around me, cars pulling over to see what 
happened. I asked for a phone, and I called 911 for help. 

It has now been almost three months, and I'm still locked up. 
But before you go on reading the rest of my story, I want you to stop 
and think for a moment, really think. 

Ask yourself: How long does it take you to make a choice that 
can change your life forever? I'm not going to preach to you about 
doing the right thing. No, that's not going to help. And I know that 
most of you reading this story, probably don't think twice before 
some of the decisions you make. 

I'm guessing that most of you would have told me to run. Well, 
that's not who I am. I won't run from my problems. I would stand 
face to face with the devil if I had to, and wouldn't give up faith! 

Because faith is all I have right now. I lost that job. I left my 
girlfriend. I messed up my family. I lost my license. And someone 
is in a coma. How long did it take? — About ten seconds, when I 
decided to get in my car. 

But no matter how long I'm here or how badly I'm treated, there 
is one thing that nobody can take from you — your faith! Today I'm 
sitting in my bed at Camp Sweeney, looking at life from a different 

We, as teens, do not value our lives as we should, because we 
live for the moment, on the edge of our seats. We should all try to 
make the best of our lives. You never know when it is your turn to 

I'm grateful to be alive, to be here at Camp, to know what I 
know, and to have seen what I've seen. But you see, that night, 
I didn't get lucky — no, there is a reason I'm not dead. I was put 
in that car and was meant to be at that intersection at that time. 
God has very weird ways of telling us things. Sometimes we don't 
recognize them as signs, mistaking them more or less as just bad 

My life was looking good from my point of view, not His. I was 
living in the fast lane and running with it. I didn't care what people 
told me. I was stubborn and didn't like to listen. Now I sit here, 
telling you to listen up! It's almost funny how fast we can flip the 

I just want you to be thankful for everything, even if you're 
locked up — the shitty food, the hard beds, the same old clothes, 
everything. Because it is all happening to you for a reason, believe 
it or not! 

I wish all of you who have read this, good luck in whatever life 
has to give you. And to all of you readers and writers of The Beat 
Within, hold on to your faith — one day we'll all be free! 

^Poyo it^ocxj-iouc^ 


M]f Lif 6 StOr]f by Lil' Chris, posted Feb 23, 2DD5 

Well, hello again Beat and Beat Readers. As you know, it is Lil' 
Chris from San Leandro. Just going to drop a few lines out 
there to tell you my whole life story or should I say almost my 
whole life story. 

Well this is my life and how it began. My mother and my 
dumb stupid ass father made love, or should I say they just 
had sex. Because I find it hard to believe that my mother really 
loved his lowlife dumb ass in the first place. But anyways, they 
had sex and my dad's sperm broke its way into my mom's egg 
and which later on formed me, Lil' Chris. About 9 months later, 
my mother was laying in San Leandro Hospital screaming her 
guts out having me. Eventually I popped out of my mom's belly. 
And I came out screaming and hollering, I was all bloody and 

But the day I was born, August 28, 1988, I didn't know I 
was going to live a living nightmare. Well at the age of one I 
was living in San Leandro. I really don't remember where... By 
the age of three I moved to San Lorenzo with my loving caring 
joyful great grandma which became my mom or should I say my 
real mom. The mom my mom should have been to me besides 
going to jail and running for drugs. Oh yeah by the way my dad 
was in jail at this time too. 

But by the age of four I was still living with my great grandma 
Nan, aka Elsie M. Thompson. Sorry for not explaining: Through 
the whole year I can't remember the stuff I did when I was one 
to four. But at the age of five years old I could remember I was 
in my rolling rocker, the ones you sit in and your feet touch 
the ground so you could roll around. Well anyways, I was a 
bad little boy and I liked to roll really fast and ram right into 
things. I don't know why, probably because of lack of attention 
from my real mom. Don't get me wrong; I always had a lot of 
attention from my grandma Nan. Or should I say my real mom 
Nan. Well one day when I was five years old I was rolling my 
rocker really fast and went straight off the garage steps. It was 
only three steps but I landed straight on my head. Oh yeah, 
I remember that like it was yesterday. That is all I remember 
doing at the age of five. 

At the age of six I was still living with my grandma Nan. 
I remember we did not have food to eat every day, but at the 
times we did have food it was because my loving Grandma Nan 
had to call the church for some food. It was called a food box. 
And on Christmas and Thanksgivings my grandma Nan always 
made miracles. When I was little, I used to think, how did my 
grandma get all these presents for us. But now I know she used 
to call the church and the church gave us presents. But to me 
all the presents were from my grandma because if she did not 
care about us she would of never called the church so we could 
have a good Christmas or Thanksgiving. Well let me get back on 

Well, one of the things I remember when I was six I used 
to put nails behind people's tires so they would get flat. And 
one other thing is I used to put potatoes in people's mufflers 
so when they would drive off it would shoot out and hit the 
car parked behind it. Ha, ha, ha. That's not all. I used to throw 
rocks at cars on the freeway. I thought that was the funniest 
when I was six. 

But by the time I was seven, I did much worser things that 
I thought was fun. But I ain't going to get into that because that 
would be giving you guys too much information. But I could 
tell you a couple of things I did: At the age of seven was when I 
first got suspended from school. What for? For bringing a knife 
to school and pointing it at somebody. That was the first time I 
got suspended. Let me think of some other things I did when I 
was seven. Um, oh yeah -- at seven I crashed my "first" car. Well 
I know what you are thinking: How did you reach the pedals at 
the age of seven? Well, let me tell you. My lowlife dad used to sit 
me on his lap and he would control the steering wheel. Well let 
me make a long story short, and tell you how it happened. I was 
on his lap, and he started to yell at me and I was getting scared. 
So he started to speed the car up a little so I got scared and 
turned the car wheel and we crashed right into a wooden fence. 
And guess what? I got the beatin' of my life. I could remember 

that like it was yesterday. But I could tell you one thing. I bet 
his punk ass won't put his hands on me now and I'll bet ya. 

I could go on and on and on about what I did when I was 
seven, so I am going to cut seven short and go to age eight. 
Where should I start? Well at the age of eight I was still living 
with my loving Grandma Nan, but yes like always one of my 
parents was in jail. And the other one was chasin' drugs. And 
yes we were still hungry getting supported by the church. And 
we still had poor clothes and shoes. Some of my shoes had 
holes at the bottom. And our house was dirty because my 
grandma was getting too old to watch all five of us. Well let me 
stop this because I could go on forever about the conditions I 
was living in. But anyways like I said, at the age of eight, was 
when I first got expelled from school. 

Do you know how it feels to be expelled from school in the 
third grade? 

I got expelled for the same thing I got suspended for the 
first time I got suspended. I brung a knife to school and pointed 
it at a girl in the fifth grade and told her to get in the boys 
bathroom. I am going to stop there for right now. Well I did 
not only get expelled from school but from all the San Lorenzo 
Unified Schools. They made me go to school in San Leandro. 
And one more thing I did when I was eight was, I started a big 
fire, bur I am afraid I can't tell you where or when, but I did. 
That's all I am going to tell you about me and my bad days when 
I was eight. So let me go on to nine. Well this is the age I got 
caught up in the system. So listen closely, OK? 

I had a best friend named Steven. Steven was about 14 
years old at the time. So me and my best friend Steven started 
to do some of the things my big brother was doing. We was 
getting pretty good at it, till I caught my first case. 

Now I was only nine years old, getting charged with strong- 
armed robbery and possession of five stolen firearms. Well 
when I got caught up they sent me straight up to Juvenile Hall. 
Which when I got there I did not know I was going to come back 
12 more times. 

Well when I did come here for my first case I ended up 
staying about ten to eleven months I had my tenth birthday 
in here, but what I did not know was that I was going to spend 
four more days in here later on in the future. Well, I ended up 
getting out on EM, after a long ten months in Unit 1. 

I was only ten years old, so after approximately a week and 
two days on EM, I caught my second case: a house robbery 
and a violation of probation. So at the beginning of ten I was 
on the way back to 2200 Fairmont Drive, Juvenile Hall where I 
presently sit right now. 

Well I was fighting my case in the Hall, doing nothing but 
dead time. I ended up staying in the Hall for another eight and 
a half months, which made me have my eleventh birthday in 
this messed ass place. Well after they figured out what they 
were going to do with me, I ended up going to a foster home 
which was not a very bright idea. Well the foster people ended 
up getting beat the hell up by my big brother and I ended up on 
the run for the first time in my life. Well, I remember I was not 
on the run for very long before I got caught up. Well at least I 
got to have my twelfth birthday on the outs for real. 

Well at the age of twelve years old I was still sitting in the 
Hall too. They found out what they were going to do with me. 
Well they ended up putting me in a group home, which was 
again, a bad idea. 

Oh yes, I think so.... 

Sorry Beat readers, I got to cut this short for right now 
because I ain't got enough time and enough paper so please 
look for part two of "Thug Life" story in the following week's 
Beats. Well this is Lil' Chris from San Leandro. I'm goin' to be 
letting you go till pencil meets paper. 

Much love and respect Beat and Beat readers, that is real. 
I would like to give a shout out to my homie and friend Arlene 
Mitri, who works at The Beat, much love to you girl and thanks 
for the books, I'll holla. 

Thug's Life Part One is dedicated to my dead grandma 
Nan aka Elsie M. Thompson, my real mom. You're never 

^oyj\t i v(>uj-iouc.ks>> 


What My Life Is All About by jose, posted jui ob, 2005 

This is a part of my life. Even at sunrise, I turn on the TV 
and I watch the news. I see how police pick up another 
injured body. No one has a clue about how I've been 
feeling during these past couple of years. 

The memory is still fresh in my head. I have not 
been able to forget that scene, in which, on that fateful 
morning, I discovered my mother dead on the floor and 
how her clothes were full of blood and how I knew she 
was not getting back up ever again. You have no idea how 
it feels like to lose your mother. I can't even write how 
I feel on paper. I wish I could go back in time to the day 
when I was born so I can leave behind all the bad things 
that I've experienced in my life. 

Oh how I would love to laugh, cry, and sing for the 
world so I can forget about my situation. I would cut 
school because I didn't have any friends because I hated 
everyone. As I walk down the streets with my headphones 
pressed to my ears, listening to black people rap, I carry 
my weapon by my side at all times. 

Some thought I was crazy and others would laugh at 
me. By mouth, it appeared that I had failed my mother. It 
is very sad what takes place in between shots behind the 
gun smoke and people walking around always armed, 
disdainfully firing shots in alleyways. Why are we killing 
each other over bills on which it is inscribed, "In God 
we trust?" My money on my mind and my mind on my 
money. Why forget about who one is over money? Why 
does one have so many friends when one has money? 
Why do you all of a sudden have so many enemies when 
you're out looking to come up? Why do bad people 
always beat good people? 

I remain seated at the stairs watching how the kids 
kill each other and that's where that rapper comes from. 
I wish I could go back in time to the day when I was born 
so I can forget all the bad things that have existed in my 

My Brother's Letter From Iraq 

by Rich, posted Jan 04, 2DD5 

I just recently received a letter from my brother in Iraq, 
which made my day but left me worried. The letter was a little 
depressing and a little bit of things that made me smile. 

My bro wrote me and told me he was part of the invasion 
of F-Town (a code name for Falluja). He is starting to get a lot of 
combat time now he is in Falluja. I am really worried. He said he 
has seen a lot of intense shhh that makes him look at the world 
differently. He said that he has shot at and been shot at with 
small arms and RPGs (rocket propelled grenades). 

My brother sent me a coin which he carried with him after 
he almost got killed. While on patrol on LSA Anaconda he 
almost got hit by a mortar which knocked him to the ground. 
The coin was right in front of his face and he picked it up and 
kept it for good luck. 

I thought my bro was fine and to not worry about him. But 
it now seems he is in combat and in harm's way most of the 

I love him so much and I hope he comes back home safely. 
That letter which my brother and I always say, "Spending time 
is a moment we will always remember, if not, then maybe 
material things." He told me to promise him to keep the coin 
till he comes back. That coin was his good luck and he gave it 
to me. Since he gave me his good luck and he is my brother, I 
will keep that promise. 

I Give My Life To You by rio, posted nov m, 2003 

(dedicated to Mya Wilburn) life got me askin' this question 

how can something so small 

yet so precious 

leave this world in a matter of seconds? 

she left me with not enough memories 

an' a handful of misery 

i should've died 

'cause this here is killin' me inside 

lookin' at my niece's body 

layin' lifeless 

i don't wanna accept it 

an' i sure didn't like it 

it just hit me that she's no longer here 

fa me ta hug an' kiss 

i will no longer be able to see her display 

that pretty lil' face 

what a day 

tha world done took anotha one 

of my loved ones away 


an' just ask 

that my family be okay 

we all in desperate need of god's strengthenin' 

so much anger buildin' up inside of me 

caused by this messed up world that we' livin' in 

it got me grievin' again 

an' once again 

made me a victim ta life's lesson 

they say ya must count ya blessin's 

but every time i start to count 

one is taken 

steady breakin' 

my heart which is already shattered ta pieces 

my soul is weakened 

got me stuck just 

thinkin' an' speakin' ta this paper an' pen 

i'm turnin' up bottles of hen' 

fa therapy this here is tearin' me apart 

i know death is all a part of life 

but why must i go thru so many in just one life? 

a baby girl wit' a smile so bright 

she brought a lot of light ta my dark life 

so innocent ta life 

an' its constant hinderin' a life short-lived 

but she touched a lot of hearts while she was here 

it's so hard ta keep my emotions from explodin' 

but we got to keep goin' we can't stop here 

'cause this here ain't it she'll be truly missed 

an' hard to forget it's a trip 

'cause mya was here just tha other day 

i had her laughin' an' tryin' ta talk wit' a big kool-aid smile on 

her face 

i'd give my whole life up just ta love her 

an' touch her at least on mo' time 

as humans our time on earth is not infinite 

i look at tha two months she was here as a true blessin' 

an' i just hope that i'll be able ta see her face in heaven 

it hurt knowin' we gon' have ta lay my lil' mama down in tha 

earth life seems ta have no worth when ya got a lot of love an' 

nobody ta give it to i not only dedicate this poem ta you 
but i dedicate my entire life ta you mya we love you! uncle rio 

Life 111 Tile GhettO by Crazy, posted Mar 09, 2005 

Life as it is, life as it was 

pimps pimpin' hoes 

these little ninjas run around wit' guns 

single mothers on welfare every corner packed 

by thei' sons and daughters who don't care 

surrounded by so-called soldiers 

who build stripes by buildin' up their criminal folders 

for every day in the week 

another ninja meets his peace 

while his brothers and sisters rush the streets 

yellin' r — i — p 

waiting fo' thei' time to be set free 

but until then life as they know 

it is weighed by the kilos and gees 

life in the ghetto you'll see one — two — three 

90W ll^^L^Jy 


Wliat'S Life Worth by Sho-Moe 9 posted Jan 14, 2005 

What's life worth? Well, I guess it depends on whom you 
ask. If you ask a suicidal maniac — it's worthless. To people 
with a family, it's only as valuable as their family. 

To others it has a different value. To me, my value of 
life has jumbled around, just as the quality of my life has 
jumped around. Like right now — my value of life is medium. 
I mean, yeah, I am not that bad off. But I could be doing so 
much better! 

I have so many opportunities knocking at my door — 
jobs, schooling, like all kinds of opportunities, just waiting 
for me. Yet the reason my value of life is so low right now, is 
because I know my life could be so much more better. 

Because of these decisions I made a couple of years and 
months ago, I am stuck behind these walls and windows, 
writing. But there were times when my value of life was 
much higher, not long before I started to make horrible 

As I walk my journey through life, my value of life 
becomes more. I am starting to realize the pricelessness of 
life, because everyday it gets a little better. Even through all 
the up's and down's, the quality of life gets better because 
I learn of it's value — like having a family, living a real life, 
having friends, becoming a man, finding the meaning of 

Yet what's funny is how I always knew these things. 
I just never paid attention! Yeah, I've always talked about 
living a meaningful life, having a family, a job — but I always 
thought of myself as a child, a boy. So I thought I had all the 
time in the world to become a man. 

Now it has already come! It snuck up on me, just that 
fast. My grandmother always told me, "Mijo, enjoy your 
childhood. It's only a short time." She was right! And I didn't 
even listen. 

Some of my friends are always talking about junior 
prom and proms, high school dances and these good times 
they have! What do I talk about? How many times I ran from 
the cops? How many cases I caught? Whom I am locked up 
with, and all the other old stories that I done told a hundred 
times? Show them the scars from my life of turbulence, 
and they laugh! 

But at what do they laugh? Is it the story or me? Some 
of them help me, while others just pretend to be friends — 
and yet others keep their distance, knowing too close can 
get them burnt! And I can't blame them. I burnt myself and 
my friends! But I am changing. And I am starting to show 
care for what happens to me. Day by day I am that much 
closer to the life I want. I got my life on pause right now, 
but soon it will be in play — and once again I'll be playing a 
game called life! What's it worth to you? 

HGSlltl) 101 by 0. Janai, posted Apr 28, 2005 

Chlamydia. . . 

Gonorrhea. . . 


Genital warts... 

Just to name a few 

Sex without a condom 

Can lead to STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) 

And even worse, AIDS (HIV) 

We are now 20 years into the HIV epidemic in the US. 

Women make up nearly one quarter of AIDS cases 
here in the US and are among the fastest growing group 
of new HIV infections. Worldwide, women make up nearly 
half of AIDS cases, and thousands die everyday around 
the world from AIDS related complications. It's a shame 
that out of those women, it is our younger age group 18- 
25! Why? Why can't we just wrap it up? It's not that hard; 
all it takes is five seconds! Latex condoms every time 
you have sex prevents pregnancy. 

Abstinence — the best way to go or have sex with 
one person "monogamy." Make sure your partner 
doesn't have STD's or HIV or AIDS. Don't be scared, take 
your ass up to Planned Parenthood and get tested. Every 
Thursday free teen clinic. From 12:00pm till whenever! 
Please people read up on this, this real talk! You think 
killing in Oakland is bad!! Just imagine if you really 
knew the truth. So many people die of AIDS quicker than 
getting shot. AIDS has a higher death rate than killing in 
Oakland every year. 

While you on your block take some time out to run 
up to Eastmont Mall and go to Planned Parenthood and 
get that exam. After that crazy sideshow and the night 
you spent with Jane I., Jane II. and whoever, make an 
appointment to get checked. 'Cause y'all don't know 
what's really going on. Keep it solid and keep it clean so 
go get checked my young ladies and fellas! 


The World As I See It 

by Dustin, posted Joo 26, 2DD3 

Sittin' in my cell 

Staring at the wall 

I've come to realize 

I've got nobody at all 

Not a staff or judge 

Even care I exist 

It drives me insane 

And I'm so sick of it 

It's a big world out there 

So evil and cold 

Less and less people 

Live to get old 

With so much hatred 

Leading to so much fear 

All anyone can think is, 

"How do I get out of here?" 

But there's no place to run 

No place to hide 

And the world won't find 


No matter how hard it should 


A lot of subjects out there 

Can't find a reason 

To stick around and live 

Until the next season 

With so much pressure 

With alcohol and drugs It's 

not a surprise 

Most of us are thugs 

We can't seek help 'cause it's 

against our law 

So we steal, sell and use 

And that's our major flaw 

We're greedy for money 

Girls, respect and fame 

But deep down inside 

We know our morals are lame 

But we're too afraid to admit 


Too afraid to say what we feel 

We're scared of the 


Scared to get killed It's a 

tough world out there 

It's evil, no doubt 

But keep your head strong 

And you can't be put out 

Stay true to yourself 

Don't forget who you are 

Keep these thoughts in mind 

And you're bound to get far 

^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 



There is always movement in life. Movement towards 
particular goal, or a movement towards destruction. 

What about revolutionary movement? How about 
the Civil Rights movement of the past? Or the prisoners 

Whether good or bad, life is about constant 
movement. Just as ones life moves from birth to death. 

The movements of the past, took cooperation, 
strength, faith and courage. Most importantly there 
was a need for everyone to participate in the overall 

The civil rights movements was more than marches 
and speeches. It was a celebration of cultural and 
political awareness. The fact that there was positive 
movement was victory in itself, by it being a positive and 
exciting influence on our present lives. It served to be 
a wake up call from the loss of hope and stagnation of 
procrastination! However that particular movement had 
it's harvest in time. The seeds used in that crop, were 
the appreciation of deep Black culture, Black courage 
and of course Black revolutionary actions. 

The Black prisoners movement is always in support 
of the larger struggle for liberation for all colonized 
people throughout the world. Our struggle to survive 
as a culture, consciousness, human right and still be 
identified as individuals. However, this doesn't just 
apply to Black people. This also applies to everyone who 
is striving for the same liberation. 

Even though some of us are still in prison fighting 
the deterioration of our spirit, soul and bodies, we must 
always realize that our struggle goes beyond these gates 
and prison walls. 

I am aware of the Puerto Rican revolutionary action 
in Puerto Rico as well. Yes, my Liano Indian roots 
intertwined with my African roots. I am very proud of my 
people who are striving for independence. I am please to 
know that they are moving to get US Armed Forces out of 
Vieques, Puerto Rico. 

I am please to know that I'm made up of these two 
ethnic cultural backgrounds. I am thankful that God 
used an African and Puerto Rican to form me. 

Now lets all move together! 


welcome Ernesto to the pages of The Beat Without. He writes to us 
from Woodland, California. The piece he shares this issue is a heavy 
one. We look forward to hearing more from Ernesto as well as seeing 
his art work in the future. 


Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga California. The following two 

his relations to the greater whole, by the way, this is not the first time 
Abusara has written us. Not too long ago Abusara was published in 
The Beat, and we are grateful that he continues to drop his wisdom, 
his life on us, even though we have not been fulfilling our end as fast 
as we would like. 

Wf thoughts and memories tend to 

become an everlasting archive 

of systematic soap opera 

war stories 

on the everlasting battlefield of life. 

Caught Up In The Madness 

From the beginning, as far back as I can remember . . . 

There's been madness, drama, and life changing 

circumstances. From a child all the way to a man. 

When I take the time to contemplate and reminisces, 

my thoughts and memories tend to become an 

everlasting archive 

of systematic soap opera war stories 

on the everlasting battlefield of life. 

Every scene and episode, 

only I can view. 

Although some was character building, 

they can only be shared with the camera man of my 


That's due to the fact that, he holds the lifetime 

library of scenes that constantly reminds me of all the 


I survived and lived through. 

When this occurs, 

I instantly find and retrieve the strength and courage 

to make it through my part in the overall struggle 

and madness in my everlasting life. 

Life in Hell 

Have you ever seen the sunrise from a lonesome prison 

Have you ever heard a freight train's whistle blow like a 
monster out of hell... 

Have you ever seen the mailman greet a thousand other 


While the letter you've been waitin' for failed to come 


If you have never seen these things, then you're a lucky 


Your life has been a good one since the day your time 


But if you know the feelin' 

of a lonesome prison cell; 

your life has been a lonely one and you lived your life in 


^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 


The Story of my Life 

The Beginning 

My mother was born on Oct 9, 1953, she had me on May 16 
1978 I was born in Panama City, Panama. I lived there half of 
my life. 

I grew up with the love of my mother. I didn't have a papa, 
'cause my papa left before my mother had me. But my mother 
did tell me that my papa was no good. He was always getting 
drunk and sleeping with other woman. He never cared about 
my mother. That's why he left before I was born. He didn't 
wanna see his boy, that was named after him. My papa name is 
Alexis, so my mother named me Alex. So I grew up without a 

It was tough for my mommita to take care of me. My mother 
didn't have a good job. She was working at a bar called Noche 
De Amor. Where my mom was working she wasn't getting paid 
that much so it was hard for her to be there for me. We also 
lived in this place that was falling a part, so my mother took me 
away from that place. 

She sent me to my grandma and grandpa's casa (home) to 
live with them for a while. I was two years old when my mother 
took me there. My grandpa and my grandma and me there they 
were good people. Well my mother left me there, and she left 
me for a long time, almost two years. Without seeing her. There 
would be days that I would cry, 'cause I would want to see her. 
She would call on the phone, and talk to me and I would tell 
her, "momma when you coming to see me?" And I would hear 
her cry, she said "mijo, I'm looking for a good place for us. And 
a good job." We would talk for a while and then hang up, and 
that would be the last time I hear from her! It was hard for me, 
'cause I love her so much but I understood, 'cause my grandma 
would tell me she loves me. 

Since I was living with my grandpa and grandma I had to 
learn, I started school when I was four years old. In those days 
we wore blue and white, blue plants and white T-shirts. School 
was really bad, 'cause if we would be bad kids, the teachers 
would spank us with the ruler and the other kids would laugh 
and that wasn't really cool. 

I learned a lot of things on the weekend. When there was 
no school, I had to wake up in the morning and go to work 
with my grandpa. We would go out and cut wood with an ax. 
We would cut about five of them and then bring them home, 
not by car, not by horse, but by walking and carrying them on 
our shoulders. I would carry half a tree on my shoulders, and 
we would walk long-long-long miles. It took about four hours 
to get home, we didn't live in the city, it was a rancho way out 
there. When we would get home, the day was not over. I had to 
get out there, and cut them in pieces for the firewood. So we 
could have a fire, so we could cook dinner. 

Mostly we ate rice and beans, or chicken. We would eat 
that five days in a row. This went on for a year. Till my mother 
came back. 

She came back around in 1983. I was so happy to see her, 
I even cried on her shoulder 'cause I was so happy to see her, 
and I now knew I was leaving to be with my mother. Well sure 
enough my dream came true. Mom found a good job, and a good 
place. It took her a while, but I was happy to be leaving with 
her. But I was sad also, 'cause I didn't want to leave my grandma 
and grandpa, 'cause I had a lot of love for them. Plus, after all 
that learning, cutting wood, killing chickens, cutting grass by 
hand, and going to the city to clean shoes to earn my money so 
I could buy some shoes. I learned a lot, but it was good, I was 
ready to leave. 

Me, Mom and My New Family 

Well after leaving grandma and papa casa, I went on living with 
my mom in the city of Panama. We were living on this street 
called Chorio St. It was a pretty old place, but it was better then 
living in that place that was falling a part. Even people would 
try to break in to rob us. People would sleep on the stairs. They 

MLEA IVI^\IC I I 111 E 2 autobiographical story 
was submitted by a new writer to The Beat Without in Alex Martinez. 
Alex steps up huge with his tale of his painful life. We hope by Alex 
sharing his story has helped him in some way, but will help some of 
you who are struggling to get your stories out. We really hope Alex 
felt a bit more liberated after completing this part of his story. This is 
what writing is all about. We hope Alex will continue to share with us. 
His voice is very important. Alex writes us from a California Medical 
Facility State Prison in Vacaville, CA. 

were bums; they would even try to rape my mother when she 
had to go to work. But it was better that my mom found that 
place it was a lot more fun. 

I didn't have to work anymore. Maybe sometimes, but 
mostly momma would get money for me. We would go to the 
city and have fun, ride the bus around town. Then sometimes 
we would stop for some ice cream. It was fun, especially on the 
weekends, we would go to the beach and enjoy the freedom and 
the tropical sun. It was fun living with my mother. 

It was just me and her for while. Till my mother found a 
boyfriend, he was from Choreic Panama. He was Spanish Black 
he was a good man, I think. I was seven years old when I met 
him, but he was cool. He loved my mother, and also love me, my 
mother was with him for a year until she got pregnant by him. 
He stayed with my mother till my brother was born in 1985. My 
mother named him Carlos. This was sad for my mother 'cause 
it (not having a father) was gonna hurt my brother Carlos, oh 
yeah, my mother's boyfriend's name was Smithy, bad news was, 
that he got killed by someone, so there we go again, the second 
kid that grows up with out a daddy. 

As my brother grew up, we became good brothers. It was 
fun to have someone to play with. But sometimes if he would 
get hurt momma would spank me, and I would get mad at 
Carlos. But me and Carlos we had fun. As he got bigger he was 
calling me papa. I would tell him no, I'm Alex, till he learned 
well after Smith's death. 

It took my mother a while to let go, till she found someone 
new. Apparently my mother did find someone new, but he 
wasn't from Panama. He was from United States. My mother 
found him on the beach. He was visiting Panama, since he was 
in the army. They based him in Panama for a while. My mother 
got to know him for a while, he would come and spend the 
night with us. I think he was only 24 years old when they got 
together. I was around 8 and my brother was 2 years old, my 
mom was still young too. 

Well at the time he was a good man, I liked him. Well they 
were together for awhile, until he had to leave. But he wasn't 
leaving for good he told my mother he was coming back in a 
year. Well he left, but my mother and him continued talking on 
phone from Panama to Denver, Colorado. I didn't even know 
there was another country outside of Panama? 

eventually my mom and him fell in love. A couple of months 
after he left, my mother became pregnant by him. My mom, 
didn't know she was gonna have baby. When she told him that 
she was pregnant, he flew on airplane back to Panama to stay 
with momma. 

In 1986 momma had the baby. It was a girl, her name 
is Jessica. She was so pretty like a doll. Well life started to 
begin with momma and her new boyfriend and my new sister. 
Everything was starting. He stayed with us until he told my 
mother, that he was going back to tell his family about us, and 
his new baby girl. He was also going to find a place for us all, to 
come to America to stay with him. It took him one year to find 
a place for us to live with him. When he came back, he said, 
"pack your stuff!" I didn't know what he was saying, 'cause all 
I knew was Spanish words, I look at him like "what?" And then 
my mother told me in Spanish "bamonos (let's go) OK!" 

But it took while before we left, 'cause we had to fix some 
papers for me, Carlos and my mother, 'cause he was adopting 
us as his sons. Our name change from Martinez to Hampton, it 
costed a lot of money for that. 

continued on next page 

^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 


My New Home - America 

Anyways, I didn't want to leave, 'cause I had a lot of cousins. My 
grandma had eighteen kids and they were all my cousins, and 
I didn't wanna leave grandma & grandpa behind, 'cause I loved 
them sooooo much. It was hard for me to leave, 'cause I knew I 
was not gonna see them anymore. Well apparently we left with 
tears. I remember seeing grandma and papa crying 'cause I was 
leaving but mamma didn't let me stay. 

Well there we are on the airplane flying away to America. I 
remember we were over the clouds. I was scared to be up there, 
'cause I never been on an airplane, that was my first time on 
one of them. 

I remember we stopped in Florida to pick up our next flight 
to Colorado. My mama's boyfriend did not tell me that Colorado 
was going to be cold. I was wearing some shorts and a t-shirt 
when we got to Colorado. There was white things coming from 
the sky. I really did not know what it was, 'cause we didn't have 
that in our country. Plus, I was so cold, I couldn't even speak. 
I-I-told my mom since she knows a little American words, at 
that time I started to call him dad, I told mom to ask him what 
is that coming from the sky. He said "snow!" Man, I was so cold, 
I couldn't even walk. I ended up going to the restroom with my 
package (suitcase) and taking out my clothes so I could put on 
warmer clothes. I remember I had about 10 t-shirts, 5 pairs of 
pants and 3 jackets to keep myself warm, from this cold. I even 
remember drinking the water and it was so nasty, 'cause I was 
not use to that water. 

I was having fun, even my brother was having fun. I don't 
know about my sister because she was a young little girl. 

It was so beautiful to be in America! For the first time in my 
life, the house we lived in was so big. I never lived in a house 
that was so beautiful with grass. But, I couldn't see the grass 
'cause the snow, but in the summer it was so cool. Me and my 
brother would be playing since we didn't have friends yet. It was 
me and my brother playing in the snow. Even in the summer we 
would go out to the lake and look around at the place we lived 

At this time I did not even start school yet, I didn't even 
known how to speak English yet. My brother didn't even known 

That Girl 

I was not even there for that long till I found me a girl. She lived 
next door to me. I remember I was like the age of 9 or 10. When 
she came to me and said I like you. I didn't know what she 
was saying -so I didn't speak one word to her. My mother was 
telling me in Spanish, what the girl was telling me in English, 
that she wants to know my name and I told her Alex. Her name 
was Missy. She was beautiful for her age, but since I didn't 
speak English it was hard for me to talk to her. 

Well I end up learning how to speak English. It took a while, 
but I learned. 

I was going to school that's name was Coronado. That was 
the school that Missy went to too. After being in America for 
a good 2 years, with broken English words, I learned how to 
speak to Missy. We would do homework together. Her parents 
were cool, my brother would also come over to play with her 
brother and I was falling love. 

I remember I kissed her once, but I was too shy to do it 
again. I didn't know what a kiss felt like. But me and Missy fell 
in love and we were going to the same school. 

I remember I use to get in trouble for backing her up 'cause 
the boys would push her down, and for me fighting in school. 
The teacher would call home. I would be scared to go home 
even though my step-dad didn't put hands on me, yet. But 
after some good spanks my step-dad got tried of me getting in 
trouble. So he decided to put hands on me, but in the wrong 
way. He started abusing us, me and my brother. He was never 
like that before. We finally got to see the real him. 

The Abuse 



He started to be abusiv to us all, there were times that I would 
come home from school, and I would find my mother, with black 
eyes, split lip. And I would ask momma what happened, and she 
would say, "nothing mijo." I even found my brother beat up by 
this animal. (When I am talking about animal I mean my step- 
dad.) After beating my poor mother, he would turn around and 
beat me for no reason. He would get real mad 'cause I wouldn't 
do what he said. 

There were times that he wanted me to shine his shoes 
and I would do it and when I was done, he would check if it 
was clean. He would hit me with his fist and then kick me with 
boots 'cause the job wasn't right. After he beat me, he would 
turn around and beat my mother for the job I done, he tell my 

mother, "your son of a b kids, I'm gonna kill him, 'cause he 

doesn't know how to do anything around here!" 

There would be times I would be scared to go to school 
'cause I had bruises from the way he beat me. My whole back 
was a big purple bruise from his hits, kicks, and slammings on 
the wall, all from this animal. 

I would go with out sleeping at night. I couldn't go to sleep 
because when he got home which was pretty late and if he found 
my mother sleeping he'd wake her up by hitting her in the face 
and kicking her. I would hear my poor mother screaming for 
her life. All I did was cry while hearing my mother get beat by 
him for no reason. After beating my mother he would come in 
my room to see if I was sleeping and if I was sleeping he would 
do the same thing to me. 

I would go to school and fall sleep on the desk. The teacher 
would always get mad at me. And they would call my home 
and I knew that once I got home I was going to get beat again. 
Surely, when I got home my step-dad beat the hell out of me. 

I remember one time I had to go to hospital 'cause I had 
brain damage because he would pick me up and throw me 
against the wall head first. When I got to the hospital, they 
found out about the bruise that I had on my back. They ask me 
who did it, but I was too scared to say, 'cause he told me if I say 
anything he will kill me and mom. So I told them I fell down the 
stairs. It was too hard for them (hospital officials) to believe. 

They went to my house and tried to arrest my mother. I 
then said, "no! It is not her!" I said to the police, "look at 
my mother eye!" They told her to take her sunglasses off, so 
she did. After my mother told them what happened, they went 
looking for him, till they arrested him, but he only stayed two 
nights in jail. 

When he got home, again, he started to beat us again for 
telling. I remember one night we were eating on the table, and 
because I was eating to much, he told me "fin' get your ass on 
the floor and eat like a dog!" He even put my plate on the floor, 
and shoved my face to the plate on the floor and told me to eat 
it all. And if I didn't do it, I was going to get beat. 

I remember one time when Jessica got a little bigger, I 
think Carlos was five and Jessica was four years of age. They 
were born one year apart, well anyway, Jessica was too small to 
know better and her own blood dad told her to move away from 
the TV. Jessica was to small to understand what he was saying, 
so because Jessica didn't move, he threw a fork and stabbed 
my little sister in her left back leg. My sister was screaming, 
but he didn't care. My mother screamed, "Wesley why did you 
do that?" He said, "I didn't mean to." 

I think I was already 12 years old, when I was sitting at the 
table and, told him "f— you" for what he did to my sister. He 
said, "what did you say?" And I said it again "f— you b — !" He 
got up and beat the hell out of me. I learned those words in 
school from a couple lil' homies that I had. 

After all this beating, I got tired of being hurt by this animal. 
But I had to live there, 'cause I didn't have any cousins that 
were from Panama here. 

continued on next page 

^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 


California - Drugs and More Trouble 

Well, then we moved away from Colorado Springs to California. 
Because the animal was seeing that I was being a bad ass, and 
not only that, 'cause his family lived there also. 

Things didn't change in California, it was still same. I just 
didn't understand why my mom loved him. I hated him. It was 
wrong to move to California, that's where I started to look for 
friends to get away from his abuse. The friend I found were the 
kind that did drugs. They were older teens and a 22 year old. 
The older people I hung out with were mostly troublemakers. 
To get away from him, I would go kick it with them. 

I didn't know how to smoke weed, till they taught me. I 
remember taking the first hit to the lungs. I almost died 'cause 
I didn't know how to smoke. 

Then I learned the streets rules. I was about 15 years old. 

I would come home after being all drunk and smelling of 
all I did. But I didn't care, I was having my fun. Since I couldn't 
have a family to love me the way I wanted to be loved. 

Well after always coming home late, my mother start to 
wonder what was going on. I didn't want to hurt my mother. But 
she found things in my room — like weed rolled up, condom, 
bottles of beer, and even phone numbers of females. I was 
getting a lot of females, most of them were Mexican and Whites. 
I knew my mother knew, that I found someone better. 

I stopped kicking it with my brother and sister. It hurt 
me. There were days I would play with my lil' brother but that 
wasn't my thing anymore, I just wanted to party that's all. I 
wouldn't even go to school 'cause I wanted to kick it with the 
homies. For a young kid like me, I went through a lot drama. I 
would skip school to kick with my girlfriends and homeboys. 

The Change 

Mama didn't catch on to everything yet till one day she found a 
colored rag in my pocket. The first thign she did was cry, 'cause 
she saw I was in the wrong places. She said "mijo (son) why!?" 
I said, "why what!?" And then she said "don't talk to me like 
that." She continued, "Why do you want to hurt me?" And then 
I said, "how am I hurting you by doing this!?" Tears started to 
come from my mother's eyes, 'cause she was in pain. But I was 
too into it to let go. 

I was hurt also, by living with that animal that beat me 
and my mother and my brother. He kept putting hands on my 
mother. I told my mother one day "if you don't leave him, I'm 
leaving for good." She didn't believe me till one day I left from 
home, for a good period of time, almost about 5 month. I went to 
live with my girl, her name was Jennifer. She lived in Hayward 
California. She too was a gang affiliated girl. 

I remember momma was looking for me. She had me 
reported as a runaway. I called her one time and she said, 
"where are you at?!" I said to her, "mommy in a better place." 
The last words I said to her were, "I love you," and I hung up 
before she said anything. It hurt, but I had- to get away from 
there. I finally came back but for little while. 

I remember when I came back I found my little brother beat 
up and my mother was pregnant again so what I did was I took 
my brother, Carlos, away from home. I took him with me for a 
long time, for one year. 

The whole time my mother, the police, and the animal was 
looking for me but I was to far to be found. My girlfriend's 
parents knew what was going on. So they paid a round trip for 
us all to go live in Arizona with other family members, so the 
police wouldn't find us. 

Soon, I came back with my brother. I couldn't do this to 
mother, when came back she was mad as hell. She yelled, 
"where were you?" I didn't tell her. All I knew was that my 
brother was looking better then before. He was wearing good 
clothes. He was fed hella good, and I kept him in good shape. 
But you know what, my mother turn me in to the police. 

I had to do time, just a little, only like nine months. Wow, 
that wasn't nada (nothing) to me. 



When I hit the streets I was doing the same things as before, 
selling drugs, since I dropped out of school at the age of 17 yrs. 
I was selling weed, from ounces, but that's all. I then started to 
steal cars, it would take me three seconds to do one car. 

The cars I would steal would be Toyotas, Nissans, Fords, 
and Impalas. I was stealing them for parts, 'cause my girlfriend, 
Jennifer's pa' was working for Auto Motor. Her dad was like a 
gangster himself, and I would steal the cars for parts and he 
would pay like $500 to $600 for whatever he took. I was getting 
paid pretty good. 

Soon I got busted, it wasn't my first time being locked up 
in Juvenile Hall. 

The first time I ever got busted I was a young teen, and kept 
going till I was 17 and a half for things like tagging on the wall, 
and busting car windows. I would only do a little time. But that 
wasn't nada (nothing) to me. Little time. 

Once I hit the streets, I was back in my little world. When I 
hit the age of eighteen, my mother had already 2 kids, but she 
was not with him anymore. So that was good. 

At the time I was living on my own with Jennifer. Her 
parents gave us a place, me and her were together for five years 
straight. We broke up 'cause she found me with someone else. 
But I would still see her, we were good friends. And she still 
loves me. 

But I never went to live with my mother again. I was working 
a good job at KFC and getting paid pretty good. It didn't bother 
me paying my own bills, plus, my brother was living with me. I 
kept my place until I was 20 years old when I lost it 'cause I was 
on drugs again. 

Finally I went back to school and got my diploma. I 
was a smart kid. So I went on - on my own - doing my own 
life. Most likely I would end up like my real dad. Locked up, 
stealing, different women, drugs and others. But that wasn't 
my mother's fault, that was mine, but even though I was doing 
what I was doing I gave my mother the money I earned on the 
calle (Streets). I would give her $200 dollars, and rest is mine. 

Life was tough for me, since I grew up this way, with an 
abusive step-dad. So then, like I said, I went on with my life, 
doing my own things. I started to work and got back with 
Jennifer 'cause I loved her. 

Jennifer had a good job she was going to college for 
computer learning, and I started to work for a warehouse, 
forklift driver. 

I've been in jail a couple of times. For bullshhh but that's 

I never had kids with Jennifer, she couldn't have kids, she 
was born that way. 

Well mom never went back with him, 'cause he found 
someone else that treats him like shhh, but who care. I 
remember he came back one time, and he put hands on my 
mom. And I put hands on him and also burned his car down, 
for being a fool. I even had a couple of homeboys that fired up 
on him. I didn't care if he was dead or what. But life went on, 
it got better, till Jennifer past away at the age of 21. She died 
of a head on car wreck. I cried my ass off for years, till I got 
over it. Then her mother died of the pain, and then her dad too. 
The only living member of her immediate family living is her 
brother, Malito, he still kicks it with us. He is around the age of 
17 years, he now lives with is Uncle, but that's my boy. 

So I've moved on without Jennifer, it's just me and my mom 
once again, all alone with my brothers and sisters. My mom 
been single for eight years already, and life has been better 
since all we been through together. 

Everyone has grown up. My brother Carlos is 17, Jessica 
16, Sharon 13, Jonathan 12 and I am 23 now, going on 24. 

Overall, life has been better than before, till I ended up in 
this place, prison. 

^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 



I haven't gone one day without acknowledging the fact that 
I'm just another poor man with a rich man's dreams. A black 
man still struggling from the depth of his ghetto where 
children go to sleep on empty stomachs and mothers and 
fathers main concern is getting high. Instead of spending 
their last five dollars on food, they'd rather give it to the 
man of poison "the dopeman." Leaving children no other 
alternative but to get out there at a early age and fight 
blindly against this world of survival. 

I often fantasize on the day when I can just live in 
peace. The day when I can get off my tired knees and stump 
with pride, but I know one must crawl to walk and walk 
to succeed. For I know that which I can conceive I can 

It's this thing called survival running around snatching 
up souls like a deadly disease. You either search for a cure or 
die from its sickness. It's known to respect those of success 
and look down on those of failure. Silently laughing in your 
face for being a child of poverty. Survival is like the war. 
You either win or die trying, giving up is unacceptable. We 
are guaranteed one thing at birth and that's death, knowing 
this, I'd rather die with my eyes open staring success in the 

E|U|^^|l|EV ( 5 - 13 > We are honored to share with you 
IflWlUE I the following by our long time friend 
and teacher, E-Money. E, was with us from the beginning, and has 
continued to show love with his words and wisdom. Currently E, a San 
Franciscan, and former YGC resident, is now serving time at Pleasant 
Valley State Prison in Coalinga, CA. As you wil Isoon fidn out, he 
continues to take his life very seriously as he prepares for the day he 
returns to the free world. 

face, instead of with my eyes closed where success is only 
a dream. 

It's scary to see how quickly we will sell our souls 
for these worthless material wishes. We fail to realize 
that "being" is more important than "having." We came 
in this world naked and we will leave as came. So living a 
life collecting materials is living a life of blindness. Earth 
materials are like casino coins, they're only useful while 
you are here. It's something we can't take with us. 

To the youth, living a simple, uncomplicated, uncluttered 
life requires work. We must first stop, think and see where 
we as a generation stand, in which ways we can better our 
lives and make this earth a better place for the unborn. 
Remember, it's not all about us, but also those who still 
haven't had a chance to live. We must stay striving in this 
world of survival for who will if we don't? 

To the ifouth, living a simple, uncomplicated, uncluttered life requires work. 


to read was written for The Beat by Johnny Lozoya. Besides being 
an amazing artist, Johnny also has a knack with words. Johnny has 
shown tremendous loyalty this past year, we look forward to hearing 
from him soon. He also collaborated on The Beat's 2001 calendar. 
Hope you received your 2001 calendar He writes us from Pelican Bay 
State Prison. 


To all you youngsters out there, if you really want to 
improve your life, you can start working on the one thing 
you have control of, and that's yourself. You can focus 
on being a good friend, a source of unconditional love 
and support. We can be happy and accept those things 
that at the present, we can't control. 

While we focus our efforts on things we can: we need 
to also consider two things that merit deeper thought, 
they are consequences and mistakes. 

While we are free to choose our actions, we are 
not free to choose the consequences of those actions. 
Consequences are governed by natural law. We can only 
hope that the consequences are good. Undoubtedly, 
there have been times in our lives when we have picked 
up what we later felt was the wrong stick. Our choices 
have brought consequences we would rather have lived 
without. I know if you had the choice to do things over 
again, you would make it different. The fact is, we can't 
change what has already transpired. We can only learn 
to acknowledge the mistakes we made and correct them 
so we won't repeat them again. 

It is not what others do, or even our mistakes that 
hurt us the most, it is our response to those mistakes, 
chasing after the poisonous snake that bites us will only 
drive the poison through our entire system. It is far better 
to take measures immediately to remove the poison. Like 
they say, our response to any mistake affects the quality 
of the next moment. 


from the CYA in lone, CA. We lost contact for a while and are happy to 
have his pieces once again in BWO. Omar tells the truth about the key 
to knowledge in his piece, "My Knowledge to YOU, and in his poem, 
"The Real Deal" he raise some very imporant questions. 

My Knowledge to YOU 

I'm writing to YOU, the young adults of the Bay Area. My 
name is Omar "Lil' Cisco" Abedelal, and I'm locked down 
in the CYA. The only good thing is I'll be out finally in 
about nine months. At this point I just wanna throw out 
some knowledge to all who think you know it all. You 
feel me? 

I have lots of knowledge, I'm sure a lot of you do as 
well. So share my knowledge as well as your own. 

If you believe in charity then perform charitable 

If you believe in equal rights, let me see you address 
these rights to everyone else. 

If you believe in loving your family, start showing 
people how you manifest that love. 

Stop getting locked up and go on the straight path. 
Can't nobody fool me. So, "If you want to fool someone, 
try. But some, such as myself, are wise enough not to 
let ourselves be fooled. If you are foolish enough to try 
and fool yourself, you may also be foolish enough to let 
yourself be fooled". 

Turn y'all lives around. It ain't too late. I'm a leave 
you with this. The truth will set you free. Tell me I'm 
lying. Excuses are like butt holes, everyone's got one. 

When you don't wanna accept responsibility for your 
wrong doings, any lame excuse will do. Right? It doesn't 
have to be cool. In fact, it might be stupid, but if you 
need it, it will do. Tell the truth my homies. That's real. 
Much love. 

^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 


Billy's First Bike 

When I was a young boy growing up, my childhood was 
filled with many nights listening to the adults in my family 
argue. And, man, did they ever argue. I mean they argued 
about everything, from clothes, drugs, relationships, to 
sometimes arguing about always arguing... and there was 
no telling when these verbal disagreements would end, or 
where they would lead. 

Sometimes, they weren't even in the same room as they 
argued. Instead, they would just yell at each other through 
the walls. Other times, they would suddenly break out into 
laughter over something stupid one of them said, or how 
silly they looked when they said it. 

But there were times when the fighting was so filled 
with rage, the whole neighborhood would echo with my 
family's problems. On these occasions, only the arrival of 
the police could bring my family back together as we united 
to prevent the police from dragging someone off to jail 

But out of all the things my family seemed to fight 
about, there was one argument they had more than any 
other. It seemed every couple of months my ears would 
ring with voices yelling about how there was no money for 
rent. It got so that as soon as I heard this particular fight, I 
knew I would be soon saying good-bye to my recently made 
friends, helping to once again pack up my family's little 
belongings into whatever mode of transportation we had at 
that moment. For a while, I started to believe my family only 
stayed in a place until the new paint smell vanished. 

Looking back over my childhood, it's now so easy to see 
how the long trail of houses, apartments, and even motel 
rooms my family left behind, shaped who I am today. For 
the unstable nomadic lifestyle my family led caused me 
to feel like a perpetual new student. I was always finding 
myself standing at the front of a classroom while a teacher 
announced, "We have a new student, class. His name is 
Israel." And, to this day, I don't believe I ever stayed in one 
school long enough to complete a full school year. To tell 
you the truth, I'm surprised any of the lessons stuck in my 
head with all the school changing I did. 

Though I grew to hate the constant uprooting my family 
did throughout my childhood, there was one time when I 
couldn't wait for the explosion of voices to rock the house 
we were living in. It came only two months after moving 
into a quaint little house in a somewhat sleepy middle 
class neighborhood. I recall this particular move quite well, 
because it came with much secrecy surrounding it. 

I remember my whole family gathering in the living 
room of the apartment we had two days to vacate. And, as if 
planning some major heist, I listened as the adults warned 
that only two female family members would be seen by the 
owner of the house we planned to rent. Everyone else would 
stay out of sight until it was time to move in. We would 
have to content ourselves with excited descriptions of what 
color the house was, how big the kitchen, bedrooms and 
backyard were. 

On the day of the move, I knew my family was entering 
a world I never knew before. I quickly became aware of this 
when a couple neighborhood boys — sitting on their bikes 
a few feet away — unceremoniously called to me in the way 
only young kids do. With scrunched up faces, they asked 
why my family was using a car to move our belongings. Up 
until that moment, I was never made aware this was unusual, 
but seeing the looks on their faces told me it was, which 
instantly caused me to feel an intensely deep shame. 

One of the curious boys who came that day to observe 
my family's moving in was an eleven-year-old boy named 

ICDAEI nvnpV (10.08) It's been a while since 
I v ll#%E ^m I Ei I m Ei h we've heard from our long-time 
friend, Israel Perez. With this extended childhood memory, he's back 
with a bang! We have no trouble discerning the real crimes that are 
committed in this bittersweet tale. It is not the theft of the bicycle 
that he recalls in such brilliant detail, but the theft of childhood itself, 
and the failure of a family and a society to prepare a boy for a future. 
We know Israel to be one of the most creative and talented writers 
it has ever been our pleasure to feature in The Beat — and we know 
he is capable of any achievement, from classroom teacher to Supreme 
Court Justice. That nobody cared to provide the minimum foundation 
for such accomplishments is the real crime — a crime which is repeated 
endlessly in a society that cares more for profits than for people. 
Instead of handing down great decisions from the High Court, Israel 
writes his memories from the SHU at Corcoran State Prison... But let 
us not preach. There is no preaching in this reminiscence of a child 
without a childhood, just a deep understanding that gives painful 
meaning to the too-easily tossed-off phrase, "Life isn't fair!" 

Seth. He was the same age as me, and lived in the white 
house with green trimming directly across from our rented 
one. Over the next couple of weeks, me and Seth got to 
know each other very well. But honestly, I really had no 
interest in becoming his best friend — that is until the day 
I was invited into his room. 

On that day I discovered just how unfair life truly can 
be, how good some kids could have it. You should have seen 
this room. It was filled with countless toys and gadgets. He 
had so many toys, somebody had built shelves along the 
walls to hold some of them. And these shelves were lined 
with action figures of all shapes, colors and sizes. Every toy 
I had seen on TV and desperately longed for, my friend Seth 
had. He had every GI Joe action figure that was ever made, 
along with accessories. Even the air over his bed was taken 
up with toys, for suspended from the ceiling were numerous 
airplane models, which looked to be from different wars in 
aircraft history. Boy, did that kid have toys! 

However, what shocked me most, and cut me to the 
quick, was the way he treated his toys. He would toss 
them to the side as if they were nothing, or even more 
blasphemous in my eyes, acted as if some of them didn't 
exist. But I learned otherwise when I asked if I could borrow 
some of his least desired toys. To this, he outright refused, 
saying I would have to come to his house if I wished to play 
with them. 

But out of all the things Seth possessed, there was one 
thing I desired more than any other. It was the brand new 
dirt bike he pedaled up and down our street each day after 
school. Of course, there were other boys in the neighborhood 
who owned bikes, but none of them was like Seth's. For 
Seth had a GT Performer. It was the most expensive out 
of everyone's bikes, and, boy, did it look it, with its shiny 
chrome frame, racing seat, blue alloy rims and pedals. 

It just begged to be ridden, and God how I wanted to. 
But Seth would have none of that. In fact, he refused to 
let anyone ride it, no matter what the price offered. And 
because I was the only boy without a bike, the closest I got 
to enjoying it was setting up ramps for Seth to jump. 

And that's how things were for the first couple of months. 
I stood around while the other boys rode about trying to 
perform various tricks. Or, I would sit on the curb and listen 
to them talk about bicycle parts. These conversations I no 
longer took part in, not after they had all laughed at me 
once, pointing out the fact I didn't even have a bike, so what 
did I know! 

But that all changed one night. One night when the air 
in my house was thick with smoke, and not all of it from 
tobacco mind you, the sound of voices and laughter touched 
every corner of the house as the adults of my family and 
their friends partied. These parties took place two to three 
times a week, and funny enough, my family never seemed 

continued on next page 

^ ^^e^ iX't/Oap^O/C/fe/Jy 


to connect the constant partying with the constant moving 
we did. 

It was under these circumstances that I slipped out the 
front door to smoke the half-inch remnants of a joint I'd 
snuck out of an ashtray, and to sip the ice-cold beer that 
was uncomfortably hidden in my underwear. This was a 
ritual I'd taken up many parties ago, where I would sit on 
the trunk of our car sneaking a buzz from either alcohol or 
marijuana or, like that particular night, both. And though I 
enjoyed the mellow feeling that always took me, I also loved 
the way the ritual made me feel so much more sophisticated 
than other kids my age. 

Looking around to make sure I was completely alone, 
something gleaming under the street's lamplight caught my 
eye. Setting the sweating can of beer down on the trunk, 
I peered between the two cars parked in Seth's driveway. 
There, I couldn't believe what my eyes were telling me — 
that the GT Performer lay exactly where Seth had slammed 
it down, slammed it down in a fuming rage earlier in the 
evening when his mother demanded he come in for dinner. 
It wasn't the first time he had thrown his bike down in an 
angry fit. However, it was the first time he forgot to retrieve 

Stepping into the street, I was reminded of the fresh 
layer of gravel the city workers had laid down the day 
before. It crunched beneath my sneakers, making me fear 
the whole neighborhood would wake. And it was this fear 
that told me what I was going to do. Of course, in my mind 
I tried to convince myself I was only going to play a prank. 
But by the way I silently stood by the bike, seeing if that 
alone would cause somebody to come out, I knew I wasn't 

With a sensation of being outside my body, I found 
myself waling the GT Performer across the street. It felt 
as if I was moving under water, stuck forever red-handed 
beneath the streetlight. I couldn't understand why a voice 
didn't cry out in alarm from behind me, why firm hands 
hadn't grabbed hold of me. After all, the chrome on the bike 
seemed to shine brighter than ever. 

Finally, with the GT Performer leaning against the side 
of my house, I remembered to breathe. My ears turned to 
pick up the slightest sound, while the claim, "I was just 
playing a joke," was on my lips ready to burst forth. But 
after several moments passed, I felt it safe, and walked the 
bike to my bedroom window. 

The next day found Seth accompanied by his mother 
going around house to house asking if anyone had seen 
his bike, or knew of its whereabouts. And when they finally 
arrived at my front door, I was utterly surprised to see all 
the arrogance completely gone from Seth's face. My shock 
alone must have convinced them my claims of ignorance 
were true, because as they went away down the walkway, 
I couldn't help hearing his mother scolding him for his 
spoiled carelessness. 

For the first couple of nights following my crime, I 
could barely find sleep. At odd hours I would jump up, open 
my room's sliding closet doors, and just stare at the GT 
Performer. It was as if I needed visual proof I possessed the 
bike. Several hours would pass, and I'd stop believing. 

This became a nightly habit, where every evening I 
would take out the GT Performer. Turning the bike upside 
down so that it rested on its racing seat and handlebars, 
I would crank the pedals as fast as I could, watching the 
wheels spin. I never once got bored with cleaning the bike. 
I would rub and buff every inch of it until it sparkled under 
my bedroom light. And whenever I became sad, I retreated 



to my room and the bike. Whenever the house vibrated with 
intoxicated parties, or with voices screaming hateful things, 
the GT Performer became like a crutch, getting me through 
the roller coaster of rough times my family was expert at 

The day I began to believe I might truly own the bike 
came when our electricity got shut off. It triggered an 
argument which was so heated it brought the police's 
authoritative knock in record time. Or maybe it was just 
that the neighbors were less understanding, and quicker 
to pick up a phone. Whatever it was, when all the dust 
finally settled, and all the tears had been shed and dried, 
my family agreed to split up with my mother settling on a 
motel room. 

I tried to be as sullen and dejected as everyone else 
who moped around, but with each carload of my mother's 
and siblings' belongings that I helped to relay to the motel 
that was maybe three miles away, I couldn't help feeling 
giddy with excitement. I had no desire to say good-bye to 
the friends I made during my short stay. And I felt even less 
concern about whether I'd have to return to the same school 
come morning. All that worried me was the lack of room in 
the last carload we had packed just as night fell. 

So, with as much confidence as I could muster, I told 
my mom I would ride my bike to the motel room, since there 
was little space and I already knew the way. She, not even 
wondering about what bike I was talking about, just nodded 
in agreement, never stopping to realize she never bought 
me a bicycle. And my family, being as they are, not for one 
second thought it strange that I cautiously walked the GT 
Performer down the street with a blanket covering it. 

Once I believed it safe enough, I flung the blanket to 
the ground and took off on the bike. With all my might, I 
pumped my legs, propelling myself down the sidewalk at 
a breakneck speed. The wind began whipping at my shirt 
as my hair blew back away from my perspiring forehead. I 
must have appeared like a mentally disturbed boy to others 
as I reached the main street. I discovered myself laughing 
uncontrollably as I navigated toward the motel, jumping 
every curb I came across with a joyous yell. All the while, 
my inner voice kept screaming, "I truly got a bike. I finally 
have my own bike, and it's a good bike!" 

At that moment, the world and my future seemed so 
much brighter. It seemed like anything was now possible, 
and I never knew such happiness. And if anyone had tried 
to point out that the bike was illegally obtained and I was 
the thief, I wouldn't have cared. Because I earned that bike. 
I earned it fair and square in my mind. I'd been deprived of 
a normal childhood along with all the childhood things that 
go with it. So this one thing was mine, and I deserved it! 

Arriving at the motel, I practically rode the GT Performer 
directly into the room. I didn't bother getting off it, but just 
sat there as my mom and siblings unpacked. It didn't matter 
to me one bit that our future was so foggy. The uncertain 
fear that usually churned in my gut when placed in such 
situations was non-existent. 

When my mother turned to look at me, face full of 
annoyance, she ordered my to put "my bike" somewhere 
out of the way, and help out. And I did just that. I walked the 
GT Performer to the farthest wall and propped it up against 
it, then, strangely out of character, I asked my mother how 
I could help. 

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