BANCROFT
LIBRARY
o
THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
THE BURGESS
NONSENSE BOOK
poofe* for Cfnlbren ftp (Selett
ILLUSTRATED BY THE AUTHOR
The "Big" Goop Books
( Small ftos)
GOOPS, AND How TO BE THEM; A Manual of
Manners for Polite Infants. I3th Edition. 88 pp.
$1.50.
MORE GOOPS, AND How NOT TO BE THEM; A
Manual of Manners for Impolite Infants. 7th
Edition. 88 pp. $1.50.
GOOP TALES, ALPHABETICALLY TOLD; The Biog-
raphies of Fifty Celebrated Goops. 4th Edition.
106 pp. $1.50.
BLUE GOOPS AND RED; A Manual of Polite
Deportment for Children. Illustrated in Colors,
with Transformation Pages for each Goop, chang-
ing him from Bad to Good. 82 pp. $1.35 net.
The "Little" Goop Books
THE GOOP DIRECTORY of Juvenile Offenders.
i6mo. 76 pp. $.50 net.
Modern Fairy Tales
THE LIVELY CITY O' LIGG; A Cycle of Mod-
ern Fairy Tales for City Children. Illustrated
in Colors. 4th Edition. Small 4to. 210 pp.
Cloth, $1.50. Boards, $1.25.
;f rebericfe & &tofee* Company
NEW YORK
THE NONSENSE SCHOOL
THE BURGESS
NONSENSE BOOK
Being a Complete Collection of the Humorous Masterpieces of
GELETT BURGESS, ESQ.,
Sometime Editor of the " Lark" "Le Petit Journal des
Refusees" &? "Enfant Terrible"
Including the "PURPLE Cow" with Forty Odd Nonsense
Quatrains, The " CHEWING GUM MAN " Epics y the
" GERRISH " Ghost Stories, Poems of PATAGONIA,
Curious Cartoonsi Autobiographies of/
Famous GOOPS, 6? a Myriad Impos-
sibilities, adorned with less than
A Million Heart-Rending Illustrations by the Author
^j The Whole forming a Book of Blissful Bosh for the Blase ; an
Amusing Antidote to Modern "Neurasthenia ; a Stimulating Spur
to Thoughtlessness y & a Restful Recreation for the Super- Civilized,
the Over-Educated, £9* the Hyper- Refined. Carefully Expurgated
of all Reason, Purpose, & Verisimilitude by a Corps of Irresponsi-
ble Idiots. An Extrageneous Tome of Twaddle, an Infallible
CYCLOPEDIA ^BALDERDASH
Ferocious Fancies & Inconsequential Vagaries
Than which, Nothing could be More So
PUBLISHED BY
FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY
NEW YORK
Copyright, 1901,
by
Gelett Burgess
Published in October,
ooH 9
. ^L
him who vainly conjures sleep
In counting visionary sheep ;
To her who, in the dentist* s power
Would fain recall a gayer hour;
To him who visits tiresome aunts,
And comes upon this book by chance ;
To her who in the hammock lies,
And, bored with Ibsen, BURGESS tries;
To those who cant remember dates
While nonsense rhymes stick in their pates ;
To those who buy, and do not borrow,
Nor put it off until to-morrow ;
To all who in these pages look,
I dedicate this Nonsense Book!
von
;,!
This is THE MUSE OF NONSENSE
See/
Preposterously Strained is She;
Her Figures have nor Rule nor Joint
And so it 9s Hard to See the Point!
coo Q coo
TABLE OF
O
N
N
Page
FRONTISPIECE: The Nonsense School 4
THE MUSE OF NONSENSE 9
TABLE OF CONTENTS -.. . . . ....... u
NONSENSE QUATRAINS & CARTOONS
The Invisible Bridge . . . . ' '. 16
My Feet ...... 18
City Flora . . . . . . 20
The Giant Horse 22
The Purple Cow 24
Digital Extremities 26
The Lazy Roof 28
Remarkable Art 30
The Lecture 32
The Window Pain 34
Streets of Glue . . 36
Glue Streets 38
The Towel and the Door 40
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
NONSENSE QUATRAINS & CARTOONS — Continued page
The Door and the Towel 42
Insomnia 44
The Bore . . 46
Parisian Nectar 48
The Floorless Room 50
Astonishment 52
A Radical Creed ....... 54
Density ..... * . . . . . . . . . 56
The Goop . . . , 58
The Sunset ' .... 60
Confessional 62
My House 64
My Fancies 66
The Proper Exit 68
The Jilted Funeral 70
A Quadruped Unclassified . . / 72
The British Guardsman 74
Drawing Room Amenities 76
The Staff of Life 78
The Sense of Humour 80
The Laundried Dog 82
Imaginary Osculation 84
Preferences 86
A Woman's Reason 88
The Call , 90
The Poplars 92
Elizabeth 94
THE HULDY ANN EPICS:
The Chewing Gum Man * . 97
The Runaway Train 102
The Hotel Caramel 107
c-crc I 2 c-crc
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE GERRISH GHOST STORIES : page
The Levitant 113
The Spectre House 125
PROVERBS EXTRA-ILLUSTRATED:
Proverbs Plain 132
Proverbs Perverted 133
ESSAYS IN BALDERDASH :
The Oval Moon 134
What Smith Tried to Believe . . . 136
A Permutative System 138
RARE SPORT & OTHER FANTASIES:
Trapping Fairies 140
Shooting Witches 142
Fishing for Mermaids 144
The Meeting of a Social Club 146
The " Insect World " . * . . 147
Seminary of Female Smoking 148
Miss Gulliver in Lilliput 150
BAD BALLADS:
The Little Father 152
McGurry and the Yellow Sunday Editor 157
The Giant Baby 158
The Bankrupt Babe 165
The Bohemians of Boston 169
FLIPPANT FAIRY TALES AND FABLES:
Whang and Yak 173
Little Totsy's Tragedy 182
The Unit of Pleasure 188
A Fable for Musicians 194
C00 I G00
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
FLIPPANT FAIRY TALES AND FABLES — Continued page
The Kisses of the Princess Pittipums ...... 200
The Poet and the Princess . . . . 213
POEMS OF PATAGONIA :
Abstemia , 219
The Museum of Kisses . * 220
Abstrosophy . . . . . * 221
Hope's Stultitude ............ 222
Psycholophon 223
The Knave of Hearts . . . . 224
The Purpil Cowe 225
ALPHABET OF FAMOUS GOOPS:
Abednego , v . . . . 226
Bohunkus, Cephas 227
Daniel and Dago, Ezekiel 228
Festus, Gamaliel .... 229
Hazael, Isaac 230
Jonah, Kadesh 231
Laban, Micah 232
Nicodemus, Obadiah 233
Peleg, Quarto t .\ 234
Reuben, Shadrach • • • 235
Timothy, Uriah 236
Vivius, Waban • • « • • 237
Xenogor, Yero 238
Zibeon . . 239
NOTE. — The Author desires to acknowledge the permission to
reprint articles contained in this book, kindly offered by the editors
of Life, Truth, St. Nicholas, the Puritanic Wave, the Sketch, Black
and White, Madame, and the Century.
have all of us a touch of that same —
You understand me — a speck of the motley"
CHARLES LAMB.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE: A Kind of
Fable :
Please Understand it, if You 're Able.
l6
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I 'd Never
^ A Bridge
Dare to Walk Across
I Could Not See,
0 a a D n
u a o Q. D
n
For Quite Afraid of Falling off
I Fear that I Should Be !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
MY FEET : A Memoir, with a Phase
Resembling some Equestrian Ways.
i8
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
My Feet they haul me Round the House,
They Hoist me up the Stairs;
I only have to Steer them, and
They Ride me Everywheres !
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
On CITY FLORA: — Semi-Culled
By One whose Fame is Somewhat Dulled,
2O can
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
There is a Theory Some Deny
That
Posts once were
Three Foot
High;
And a Little Boy
was Terrible <SS53P Strong,
And he Stretched 'em out to 'Leven Foot
Long'
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Legend of THE GIANT HORSE
'Tis quite Improbable, of Course.
tar. 22 ten
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Once there was a GIANT HORSE,
That Walked through all the Town,
A-Stepping into all the Roofs,
And Smashing Houses Down
C4X.23
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE PURPLE COW'S Projected Feast:
Reflections on a Mythic Beast,
Who's quite Remarkable, at Least.
I NEVER SAW A PURPLE COW,
BUT I CAN TELL YOU, ANYHOW,
coo 24
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I NEVER HOPE TO SEE ONE;
I'D RATHER SEE THAN BE ONE!
coo 25 coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
On DIGITAL EXTREMITIES:
A Poem, and a Gem it Is!
COO
26
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I'd Rather have Fingers than Toes;
I'd Rather have Ears than a Nose;
And As for my Hair,
I'm Glad it's All There;
I'll be Awfully Sad, when it Goes!
37
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The LAZY ROOF what Liked the Sun
Or, How the Walls were Put Upon.
28
coo 2o coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Roof it has a Lazy Time
A- Lying in the Sun;
The Walls, they have to Hold Him Up;
They do Not Have Much Funl
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
REMARKABLE ART: A Lesson
Objective
In Animal Motion and Rules of
Perspective.
000 30
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Remarkable
Truly is Art !
See — Elliptical
Wheels on a Cart!
It Looks Very Fair
In the Picture, up There,
But Imagine the
Ride, when you Start!
coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE LECTURE: A Slight Divagation
Concerning Cranial Ambulation.
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I Love to Go to Lectures,
And Make the People Stare,
By Walking Round Upon Their Heads,
And Spoiling People's Hair!
008 J COS
33
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE WINDOW PAIN: a Theme
Symbolic,
Pertaining to the Melon Colic.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Window has Four Little Panes;
But One have I —
The Window Pains are in its Sash;
I Wonder Why!
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
On STREETS OF GLUE: A Horrid
Tale,
Of Fly- Paper on a Fearful Scale!
S 36
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
If the Streets were Filled with Glue,
What d'you S'pose that you would Do?
If you should Go to Walk, at Night,
In the Morning you'd be Stuck in Tight!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
GLUE STREETS: A Picture Expurgated
From out the Lark Because 't was Hated.
coo
If the Streets were Filled with Glue,
What cT you S'pose that you would Do ?
If you should Go to Walk, at Night,
In the Morning you'd be Stuck in Tight!
39"*
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE TOWEL AND THE DOOR, Ah,
Well,
The Moral I 'd not Dare to Tell !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Towel Hangs Upon the Wall,
And Somehow, I don't Care, at All!
The Door is Open; I Must Say,
I Rather Fancy it That Way!
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE DOOR AND TOWEL, Once Again :
Preposterous, Inverse, Insane!
ten 4.2
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
1IIA
3fb noqlJ ggriBH bwoT
J'nob I tworbmo8 bnA
I ; naqO ai looQ
j£HT J
coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
INSOMNIA: Strange Membership,
And an Attachment Bound to Slip.
40=44005
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
My Legs are so Weary
They Break Off in Bed ;
And my Caramel Pillow
It Sticks to my Head!
45 coo
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE BORE: Or, How I am Impressed
By Coming of a Hateful Guest.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
My House is Too Little to Live in;
Oh! What Would I do in a Flat?
With a Bore for a Caller
It Seems even Smaller;
There's Nothing so Strange about That!
000 47 <U73
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
PARISIAN NECTAR for the Gods :
A Little Thick, but What's the Odds?
00048
CCO
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Many People Seem to Think
Plaster o' Paris
Good to Drink;
ft
Though Conducive unto Quiet,
I Prefer Another Diet!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE FLOORLESS ROOM: ANovelSort
Of Argument Without Support.
van
I Wish that my Room had a Floor!
I don't so Much Care for a Door,
But this Crawling Around
Without Touching the Ground
Is Getting to be Quite a Bore!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
ASTONISHMENT: Depicting How
Peculiar is the Verdant Bough !
00552000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I Picked Some Leaves from Off a Tree
And Then I Nearly Fainted;
For Somehow it Astonished Me
To Find They'd all been Painted!
coo 53 *GQ
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
A RADICAL CREED : Denying the Need
Of Things from Which we'd Dislike to be
Freed.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I Don't Give a |/D2
For the Stuff you Denominate Hair
And your Fingers and Toes and your
Neck and your Nose,
These are Things it Revolts me to Wear !
u» 55 *»
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
On DENSITY of a Remarkable Kind:
Usually Caused by an Absence of Mind,
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
If People's Heads were Not so Dense —
If We could Look Inside,
How clear would Show each Mood and
Tense —
How Often have I Tried!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE GOOP: Constructed on a Plan
Beyond the Intellect of Man.
0^58
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
Now, You are what I call a GOOP
A
Co-Tangent,
Harmonious
Loop;
You Appear
to be Facing
Due South,
But Oh, What have you Done with your
Mouth? csc<*>o
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE SUNSET: Picturing the Glow
It Casts upon a Dish of Dough.
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Sun is Low, to Say the Least,
Although it is Well- Red;
Yet, Since it Rises in the Yeast,
It Should be Better Bredl
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
CONFESSION: and a Portrait, Too,
Upon a Background that I Rue!
62
van
Ah, Yes! I Wrote the "Purple Cow" —
I'm Sorry, now, I Wrote it!
CAN TCLL YOU ANYHOW IDRATHERSEE
But I can Tell you Anyhow,
I'll Kill you if you Quote it!
&00 63 &O3
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
MY HOUSE: and How I Make my Bed
A Nocturne for a Sleepy Head.
00064000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
My House is Made of Graham Bread,
Except the Ceiling's Made of White;
Of Angel Cake I Make my Bed—
I Eat my Pillow Every Night!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
MY FANCIES: Fatuous Vagaries
Inspired by my Coal Hearted Lares.
C00
66
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK—
My Fancies like the Flames Aspire;
I Dream of Fame and Fate;
I See my Future in the Fire,
And Oh, 't is Simply Grate!
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE PROPER EXIT: How a Jest
Politely Speeds the Parting Guest.
C/20
68
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Proper way to Leave a Room
Is not to Plunge it into Gloom;
Just Make a Joke Before you Go,
And Then Escape Before They Know,
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE JILTED FUNERAL: Motorcars
More Deadlier than Mean Cigars!
70009
Why does this Seedy Lady Look
As Though she7 Should be Undertook?
Ah, Should her Spirit now Forsake her,
I Wouldn't Want to Undertake her!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
A QUADRUPED UNCLASSIFIED:
I couldn't Name This, if I Tried!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Now, Take this Gaudy Pseudo-Chair!
A Bold, Upholsterrific Blunder —
It doesn't Wonder Why it's There,
We don't Encourage it to Wonder!
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE BRITISH GUARDSMAN'S Well-
Packed Chest:
And Why his Martial Pride 's Suppressed.
74
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Who is this Man, so Tightly Dressed,
With Silver Medals on his Chest?
His Bosom does not Swell with Pride
There is Not Room enough Inside!
coo 7 JJ coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
On DRAWING-ROOM AMENITIES:
Oh, What a Happy Scene it Is!
66076
GOO
BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
There is Little in Afternoon Tea
To Appeal to a Person Like Me;
Polite Conversation Evokes the Elation
A Cow might Enjoy, in a Tree!
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE STAFF OF LIFE: And HOW
to Cut one;
Reproof, and How a Father Got One.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
It Makes me (sic) and Mother Sick
To have you Cut the Bread so Thick;
I do not Care about your Waist,
It is a Question of Good Taste !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE SENSE OF HUMOUR is Sponta-
neous,
Unconscious, — Instantaneous.
80
000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
When you Get Off your Wheel,
Oh, how Funny you Feel!
"X
When you Get Off your Joke
What a Gloom you Provoke !
s 6 cos COO 8 I C00
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE LAUNDRIED DOG: A Whim
Chinese,
And its Effect upon the — Please.
etn
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I Sent my Collie to the Wash —
They Starched and Ironed her, B' Gosh !
And then they Charged me Half a Dollar
For Laundrying the Collie's Collar!
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
IMAGINARY OSCULATION
The Base of Future Operation.
ten 84099
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
Suppose you Take a Hypothetic Kiss —
The Position I assume would be like This;
It Might Perhaps mean Realistic Curse,
And then Again it Might Mean the
Reverse !
COO
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
On PREFERENCES one might Express
In Lingerie and Fitting Ad-dress.
86
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I'd Rather have Callers than Cuffs,
Though Both of Them Render me Bluej
I 'd Rather have Ribbons than Roughs,
But Why should that Interest you?
GOO 87 COO
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
A WOMAN'S REASON : A Quotation
To Put an End to Conversation.
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
I 'm Sure every Word that you say is
Absurd;
I Say it's all Gummidge and Twaddle;
You may Argue away till the igth of May,
But I don't like the Sound of the
Moddle !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE CALL: Effect of the Atrocity
Of Tales of Juvenile Precocity.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
For an Hour they've been Saying "Good-
Bye,"
And a Marvel of Patience am I ;
'•K
I can Handle my Passion
Through Gossip and Fashion,
But at Mention of Babies I Fly!
coo Q I coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE POPLARS : How and Why they
Bowed ;
A Delicacy Disavowed.
Perhaps you might Imagine that the Trees
Are Agitated Merely by the Breeze;
No, the Lady who so Fat is
Has been Eating Garlic Patties
And the Poplars are Afraid she's Going
to Sneeze! ^93^
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
ELIZABETH : A Gloomy Story,
(Perhaps it is an Allegory).
94
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
There was a Girl. Her name was Liza.
She Drank Black Ink. For an Appetizer,
She Grew so Thirsty. As she Grew Bigger.
That now that Girl. Is a Regular Nigger,
000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
THE CHEWING GUM MAN : Though it is Mine,
Some Say 't was Cribbed from " Frankenstein "
(It Is a Little in that Line !) —
OH, Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann
They went an' built a bid Chewin' Dum Man !
It was none o' your teenty little dots
Wif pinhole eyes, an' pencil spots,
But this was a terribul bid one — well,
'T was a-most as high as the Palace Hotel !
An* it took 'em a year to chew the dum !
An' Willie he done it all, 'cept some
That Huldy dot her Ma to chew,
By the time the head was ready to do.
Well, Willie he chewed it for days n' dayi j
They brung it to him in dreat, bid drays;
An' fast as he dot it dood and soft,
Then Wallie he come an' carried it oft.
Then he rolled it into a dreat, bid ball,
Art he made a-more 'n a MILLION, -in all !
Then Huldy Ann, she spanked 'em flat,
An' pinched and poked, an' the like of that,
Till she dot it into a dreat, bid hunk —
My ! did n't Huldy have the spunk !
An' then she sliced one end, half-way,
To make the leds ('cause they never stay
When you stick 'em on in a seprit piece —
Seems like the ends was made o' drease !)
*»1*» coo 97 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
An' she slit a arm right up each side —
I could n't a-done it if I 'd a-tried !
O' course her brothers, they helped her, though,
An' rolled the arms and leds out, so
They all was smoof, wif roundin' bends,
An' chopped the finders inter the ends ;
An* when their mother had chewn the head,
She went and stuck it on, instead !
An' then, when the man was almost done,
They had a norfle lots o' fun j
A-walkin' down his stummick was best,
To make the buttons onter his vest !
They stuck bid cart-wheels in him, for eyes,
His eyes was bof tremenjus size !
His nose was a barrel, an' then, beneaf,
They used a ladder to make his teef !
An' when he was layin' across the street,
Along come Leir daddy, as white 's a sheet.
He was skeert half outer his wits, I guess,
An* he did n't know whatter make o' the mess.
Then Huldy, she up, an' bedun to coax
To have him down town, to skeer the folks !
So her dad, he drabbed him off'n the street,
An* Willie and Wallie, they took his feet,
An' they dradded him clean down to the Codswell Fountain,
An' stood him up as bid as a mountain !
You 'd oughter a-seen him standin' there,
A-straddlin' Market Street, in the air !
Well, he stood up straight for a week 'n a half,
An' the folks, Dee ! did n't they drin and laugh !
c£» 98 v&*
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The boys clumb up his leds quite bold,
The dum was so soft that they dot dood hold j
The cars run under him, day an* night,
An* the people come miles to see the sight !
Well, after he 'd stayed as stiff as a post,
Wif his head on top of the roofts, almost,
The sun come out o' the fod, one day,
An', well, I dess you can see the way
That dreat, bid feller bedun to melt ; —
Imagine bow Willie an9 W alii e felt !
For first, he cocked his head out, some,
An' when the heat dot inter the dum,
He slowly waved his arms ahead,
An' slanted forrard, just like he was dead !
An' all day long he leaned and bent,
Till all expected he would of went
An' pitched right over ! They roped the street,
To keep the crowd away from his feet,
I tell you he was a sight. My soul !
Twice as high as a teledraff pole,
Wavin' his arms an' slum pin' his feet,
An' a-starin' away down Market Street !
Then what did I tell yer? — That blame old head
Their mother had made a-seprit, instead,
It fell right off and squashed a horse !
('T was so soft it did n't kill him, o9 course !
When his hands dot so they touched the dround
A hundred policemen they come around,
COO IOO C473
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
They stuck a cable-car on to his feet,
An' one to his head, a-doin' up street,
An* then they pulled him opposite ways,
An' they pulled him for days and days and days !
An' they drawed him out so slim and small,
That he reached a mile an' a half, in all !
An* that was the end of the Chewin' Dum Man !
For Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann
They come along wif a axe, next day,
An' they chopped him up, an' duv him away !
NOTE. — The Author desires to apologize to the friends of Huldy
Ann for the liberties be has taken with the diction in which the
*' Chewing Gum Man" and its sequels were first written. It was
bis original intention to render these epics in the dialect of the nursery ,
and he takes this opportunity of reprinting the ballad with the proper
spelling, thus fulfling a debt be has too long owed to himself and the
beauties of the poem.
coo IOI otfo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE RUNAWAY TRAIN: A Pert Creation
Of Fancy and Imagination,
Fit for the Rising Generation —
OH, Willie an' Wallie, an' Pinkie Jane,
They run away wif a railroad train !
'T was Wallie dot up the ridiclous plan —
'T was most as dood as the Chewin' Dum Man !
Wallie is terribul funny — My !
He can make up a face that would make you die !
An' when Pinkie Jane come down to the City,
He tried to show off, for she 's awful pretty.
So they all went over acrost the Bay
To have a picnic and spend the day.
At Sixteenth Street they dot off the cars
A-drinninJ an' diddlin' so, My Stars !
A Enormous crowd bedun to collect,
But nobuddy knew just what to expect.
Then up the track come a little spot
An' nearer, an' nearer, an' NEARER it dot!
But Willie an' Wallie an' Pinkie Jane
Stood right in the road of the Overland Train ! ! !
The folks on the platform bedun to yell,
" Look out ! Get offt ! " an' the enjine bell
Was ringin' like mad, but them children stood
As calm as if they was made o' wood !
And a dreat bid fat man yelled, " Oh, Dolly !
For Kevins Sake, just look at Wallie ! "
As the train come thunderin' down the rail
The wimmin all turned terribul pale
<X*> IO2 G0o
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
But Wallie he stood there, stiff 's a soldier,
An' then (you remember what I told yer)
He made up a horribul face, and — Whack !
He skeert the enj'me right off 'n the track !
An' the train jumpt forrards an* squirmed around
A-wriddlin' an' jiddlin' over the dround.
An' all the people they had to git,
For that blame old enjine, it had a fit !
But when the train dot onter the track,
Them children they dumb right onter its back.
An' they tickled it so that all to once
It fetched a lot of shivers and d runts,
An' it humped itself way up in the air,
An' p'raps it did n't div 'em a scare !
oc*> 103 c-oo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Then it puffed an' puffed, a-faster an' faster,
While Wallie sat there, like a old school-master,
A-drivin' that train, till I tell you what,
You no idea what a nerve he 's dot !
Willie held on to Wallie, an' Jane
Held on to Wallie with mighnt an' main.
Then they hitched along, like a old inch-worm,
With now a spazzum, and then a squirm.
But Willie an' Wallie an' Pinkie Jane,
They soon dot sick o' that railroad train !
But when they crawled to the last end car,
To jump on the dround, where it was n't far,
They dot a heap worse off, instead,
For that nasty train, // stood on Its head!
000104 c^o
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
An* they all yelled, " teledrafi
Huldy Ann
An make her come as quick as she
can !
We can't del off! Oh, hurry up,
please !
What would we do if it went to
sneeze ? "
I tell yer them children was in a fix
When that mad enjine was doin'
his tricks !
But the messenger boy found
Huldy Ann,
An' she said " I 'm thankful 1
aint a man !
I'll show 'em how!" an' she
crossed the Bay
An* she see in a wink where the
trouble lay.
An' she said, " you do, an' you
teledraft back
For a load o' candy to block the
track ! "
An' when they sent it, she piled it
high
Wif chocolate caramels — dood
ones — My !
Peppermint drops and cocoanut
cream,
Till it looked too dood for a
Christmas dream !
105 coo
— THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
An' the sun it tnelted an' finished the job
Into one dreat eledant sticky dob !
So the train run inter it, lickety-split,
An' the cow-catcher stuck, when the enjine hit,
An' the tail o' the train flew up and threw
Them children into that caramel doo !
They fell clear in, way over their head,
But Ann eat 'em out, and sent 'em to bed !
O6
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE HOTEL CARAMEL: A Sweet
And Happy Story to Repeat ;
Please Not Accuse me of Deceit !
O WILLIE an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann,—
The same that made the Chewin' Dum Man,
Say, — what d' you s'pose they done now ? Well,
They invented the " Hotel Caramel ! "
You see them children, on Christmas Eve,
Had PILES o' candy, you better believe ;
An* it came an' came all Christmas Day,
Too much to eat, or to div away,
They never had such 'normous treat ;
It filled the house, and it filled the street !
Their uncles were bound they would have some fun.
An' everyone of 'em sent a ton !
Their aunts were so fond o' Huldy's brothers,
That each was bound to send more 'n the others
To Huldy Ann, an' Willie, an' Wallie,
An' they ALL sent Chocolate Caramels ! Dolly !
Well, they eat an' eat till the Doctor said
If they eat any more they would all be dead.
They div a half a million away,
But the rest just laid around in the way.
Their father was crazy, their mother was mad,
An' they said such 'stravadance was too bad !
Then Huldy Ann, she perked up, " Well,
Come on, an' we '11 build up a bid hotel ! "
Willie an' Wallie they said, " All right,"
An' they went to work that very night !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
Willie an' Wallie an' Huldy Ann,
They talked it over an' drew the plan.
Then Wallie he copied it on to his slate
An' Huldy Ann, she said it was great !
So the day after Christmas they did bedin,
An' had the foundations all put in.
Willie he took off the papers first,
But Wallie's job was about the worst —
He had to carry 'em up to Ann.
It was all very nice when they first bedan j
But when the wall was three stories high
It took some climbin', but he was spry ;
And Huldy Ann laid the Caramel brick
"Sn a long straight wall about three foot thick.
000 108 000
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Well, before it came around New Years Day
I tell you that old Hotel looked day !
It was six floors high, wif a dreat front door,
An' it had a hundred rooms, or more !
Well, all the children, they came, pell-mell,
To endage their rooms at the new Hotel !
They charged the boarders a cent a day,
But they turned a more 'n a million away !
Well, it stood all right when the weafer was cold,
An' the place was fuller than it could hold ;
coo lO coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
But when it dot warmer, then, what d' you think ?
The whole front wall just bedan to sink ;
It bent an' curved till they all dot scared,
For they did n't see how it could be repaired j
The floors they hollowed, the walls they tipped,
And then all the hotel
children skipped !
Even Huldy Ann was
some afraid,
But Willie an' Wallie,
they stayed and stayed.
The Hotel Caramel
bent each day
Till it curved in a most
terrifical way ;
An' Huldy Ann she
implored, but Willie
An' Wallie said she
was only silly !
Well, one Spring night
came a awful rain,
And the ole Hotel
could n't stand the
strain.
The roof it melted and
ran like dlue
In a sticky mess of the caramel doo ;
An' the wall collapsed in the hot, wet weafer
An' stuck the windows and doors todefer !
An' Willie an' Wallie were shut inside
An' they could n't det out when they woke, and tried !
c<90 I IO C0o
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The floor was up where the wall should be,
An' the boys was as sticky as they could be.
Well Huldy Ann was scared into fits,
And she come quite close to have lost her wits.
The folks come running wif yell an' shout
And bedun to endeavor to did 'em out ;
But Huldy come to, an* thought of a trick.
An' sent for the Fire Department, quick.
So she got a engine an* turned the hose
On the wail of the house, an' then, what d' you s'pose ?
Why, it washed the caramel window in,
Till Willie and Wallie was wet to the skin.
So they soon clum out and dot safely down,
To the great relief of the anxious town.
But Huldy said, "No more candy for me ! "
For the boys was as sticky as they could be !
Well, what to do wif that old Hotel
Was more than Huldy Ann could tell !
<*73 I I I COO
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
It would melt all day and then freeze all night,
An' lots of the teams would get stuck in tight.
It ran an' ran till it filled the town
In a dreat bid river all thick and brown.
Till they passed a law that no kind of store
Should ever sell candy, any more !
For it took two years to clean it away !
An' Willie's uncles, they had to pay !
An' you may not believe it, but sure 's you 're born,
Six Caramel trees drew out on their lawn !
I I 2
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
THE LEVITANT: — or, How One Gerrish
Had an Adventure Quite Nightmare-ish,
And Feared that He would Surely Perish.
ENOCH F. GERRISH was a " prominent citizen."
He had his name in large type in the Directory and
in the telephone book. He was often mentioned as
u among those present " in the local columns of the dailies.
He was a " solid business man," and could be seen any day
on Montgomery Street, easily recognizable by his eyes, big
as hard-boiled eggs, his paint-brush whiskers and his duck
vest, which always had a button missing somewhere about it.
He toed in slightly when he walked, but he could afford him-
self this and many other eccentricities, for he was rich. But
he was most prominent as a member of the Society for Psychi-
cal Research, and to the reports of its proceedings he had
contributed many bulky and remarkably uninteresting papers
collated from the answers to thousands of postal-card cate-
chisms sown recklessly abroad. He had tabulated, classified,
and commented upon the replies to such questions as : " Have
you ever seen a ghost ? " " If not, why not ? " " Has a ghost
ever seen you?" etc., etc. His "Diagnosis of the Inter-
Phantomic Relations of Sub-Spherical Spirits " had given him
prestige in the Society, and on the strength of fifteen thousand
words anent " Spectral and Pseudo-Spectral Anthropologia "
he had narrowly escaped the election to the Presidency of
the body.
Yet, like so many of his fellow essayists on these ultra-
scientific topics, Mr. Gerrish had never seen a ghost. He
had talked with those who had, however, and he had an
^Scs* <&> I 13 060
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
exhaustive lore ready at hand for recital, and when his
audience was composed of women, he often made bold to
broider the narrative with details of his own invention,
and at these times did not hesitate to use the first person
construction.
Mr. Gerrish was at this time engaged upon a new thesis ;
radical, even revolutionary. He was tired of his pose as an
amateur ghost-seer, and the luminous idea of making capital
out of his failures by using them to prove an original hypothe-
sis swelled his vanity. Perhaps this would secure to him the
President's chair, and he could have the delight of ringing the
u ten minute bell " on verbose essayists. He had often been
suppressed himself in this way, and he longed to be on the
other side of the table.
" Conditions of Levitation and Semi-Nudity in Dream "
was the title of his thesis.
He worked every night upon the development of his theory,
keeping one eye open for spectral visitations, in case his new
scheme should prove ineffective. He always kept on the
table beside his bed a pistol, a non-explosive lamp (that
would n't go out even if overthrown), a watch, a pencil and
a pad of ruled paper upon which to take notes of supernatural
occurrences. The top sheet of this pad was numbered (i),
but it had remained otherwise blank for five months. He cut
the " Death Notices " from the papers every day, and pinned
them to the wall, near the head of his bed, in order to identify
new-made ghosts.
The annual dinner of the S. P. R. was held on New Year's
eve. Thirteen members were present.
The rest were celebrating less riotously.
Mr. Gerrish had allowed hints of his latest investigations
c^o I 14000
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
to leak into the after-dinner personalities ; several of the
speeches had made mention of the embarrassing situations
due to u Semi-Nudity in Dream." Reason demanded an
explanation for the outrage so often put upon the sensibilities.
Enoch F. Gerrish nearly burst with the efforts to restrain
from exploiting his theories, but his policy and an enormous
looped watch-chain kept him from exploding. The time was
not yet come. He drank like a camel to brace his nerve;
he felt that a few leading questions would puncture his resolve
and the secret would escape. He ate ravenously of the
remnants of the dessert to cover his agitation. He felt that
every one was looking at him — but only the President was.
The President was wondering how a Psychical Researcher
could eat so much — and live.
At the business meeting following, Enoch F. Gerrish was
nominated for the Presidency for the ensuing year, but he did
not realize it until three days later, when he was notified by
the Secretary in writing. He was now too busily engaged
with a Welsh rabbit that the President had maliciously manu-
factured. The meeting came at last to an end, or at least it
tapered off, the members waking up in turn and going home.
When Mr. Gerrish left, they were still reading papers.
No one was listening. The President was drawing little
circles on a sheet of paper with a soft pencil, and the Secretary
was making love to his watch.
Enoch found his way home with great difficulty and a large
stick.
He felt as if he had been eating fireworks and they were
going off inside of him.
The street was like the back of a whale that it was neces-
sary to climb, and it seemed to be rolling on a long ground-
ed 1 1 °^°
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
swell. The houses circled about him like a merry-go-round.
He tried to take his temperature with a little pocket-ther-
mometer, but the mercury was all huddled into the top of the
tube. Somehow things seemed to be going wrong with him ;
he knew that much, but very little more.
He did not remem-
ber his whole pilgrim-
age ; he believed finally
that he had accom-
plished the stairs, be-
cause he found himself
at the top. He could
not remember whether
he had gone through
the door of his room,
or climbed in a win-
dow, but he was inside,
and was glad of it. He
undressed himself care-
fully, and went to bed,
thinking he should
have done so earlier.
He suddenly realized
that it was New Year's
day, and he at once decided to reform.
By this time it was two o'clock, and the Welsh rabbit, like
a patriotic set-piece, still burned in his abdomen ; he had
almost given up hope, when he fell asleep, but his snoring
was so terrible that it woke him up again. He arose un-
steadily, and circumnavigated the room in search of cotton
to plug his ears. He soon forgot what he was looking for,
G00 I l6 <*?0
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
and returned in a bewildered condition to his bed, and began
counting, wondering when it would be over. . . .
As he reached number thirteen, he opened his eyes. Some-
thing was rising out of the bed from between his feet. This
did not seem at all right to him, and he was much hurt by the
occurrence, until it became evident that it was a ghost. Now
Mr. Gerrish was in no condition to entertain ghosts at this
time, but he nerved himself for the interview and reached for
his pistol and note-book, though he was uncertain which to
use first. He tried to decide whether he was more afraid or
surprised.
He remembered Bulwer-Lytton's distinction between fear
and terror, and thought what rot it was.
Meanwhile, the phantom was emerging from the bed, or
more properly through the bed. Mr. Gerrish rubbed his legs
back and forth to see if he could feel the ghost, but he could
not. Yet the apparition was sticking through the bed like a
brochette. Mr. Gerrish thought this phenomenon interesting,
and was about to make a note of it, when materialization of
the ghost set in so strongly as to absorb his whole attention.
He wondered where he had seen the ghost before, and
decided that it was nowhere.
He remembered the circus of last year, and the athletes
and tumblers at the Orpheum Theater, and concluded that
this was one of them. He did not know which. The spectre
was dressed in trunks and tights ; he had longish hair, and was
much more transparent than was becoming to a person of
his size. His eyeballs were conspicuous, and ill placed, and
as he hung over the bed like a huge interrogation point, waving
his arms, Mr. Gerrish felt that something was about to happen.
He felt, vaguely, that he should take the time ; he was sure
090 I 17 c<73
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
that none of the members would believe him, unless he told
at what o'clock it happened. The reports of the Society
generally gave the hour and minute, and sometimes it had
been figured down to split seconds. He looked at his watch,
but the hands seemed to be going backwards, and he gave up
this detail with a sigh.
The horrible part
of the affair was that
the ghost did not speak.
Mr. Gerrish was com-
pelled to take the ini-
tiative ; six times he
endeavored to say
something, but as he
could think of nothing
to say, little came of
his attempts. At the
seventh effort a volley
of words burst from
him, filling the room
like the explosion of
a barrel of firecrackers.
When it was over,
there was a shocking
silence, and he found he had exclaimed :
" Ghostly phantom, thing of evil, spectre, demon, spook, or
devil, take thy legs from out my bedstead, take thy toes from
off my floor ! "
Somehow this seemed inadequate, and he began again.
The ghost evidently expected something better of him, and
still hung swaying over the counterpane, gibbering with gaunt
<*73 I I 8 C<90
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
grimaces. Mr. Gerrish at length began to regain his nerve;
the rabbit within him grew more docile, and the spirit of the
investigator awoke.
"Tell me," he began, "to what am I indebted for the
honor? " etc., etc.
"Beware ! " said the spectre. "No familiarities, please; I
am sent to you to divulge the secrets of ' Levitation and
Semi-Nudity in Dream.' This night shall illumine you!
Come ! " and seizing the Psychical Researcher by the
shoulder, he dragged him to the window, and held him
struggling like a kitten, outside the sash. The rays of a
decrescent moon varnished the soles of the unfortunate vic-
tim's feet ; an errant breeze slickered at his white night-
robe, and it was very cold. The spook shook him gently,
as one might flap the crumbs from a table-cloth out of the
window, and Mr. Gerrish grew green with fear. The pave-
ment below seemed miles away. Mr. Gerrish felt rather
than saw this. On the other hand, he saw rather than felt
the ghost.
Suddenly all support was removed, and he fell !
He supposed about five years to have elapsed when he
finally discovered that he was no longer falling.
It was like a long wait between the acts of a bad play,
when one longs to have the suspense over, yet dreads the
next sensation.
He knew from hearsay that if he reached the bottom he
would die. That is, if it were a dream. The question then
was, was it a dream ? He could not decide.
At length he felt himself in the arms of the phantom>
giggling. This gave him, however, no clue as to whethe)
he was awake or not.
ceo I 19 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK —
"This is called the 'Sense of Falling,' to which you have
already given five hundred words in your thesis," said the
apparition.
" Oh ! " said Mr. Gerrish, u out it is much easier imagined
than described — as they say in the story-books."
u My next act is
Levitation proper," said
the ghost, and with the
word he sprang into the
air.
It was, at first, very
terrible.
Mr. Gerrish waved
his arms like a chicken
that has been dropped
from the roof of a house.
He could not realize
that he was being car-
ried, but he felt the re-
sponsibility of his own
exertion, and he tried
several kinds of swim-
ming strokes, using his
feet like a woman.
He was high in the
air before he realized that a mere effort of will was all that was
necessary, and once assured, he began to like the sensation.
" Do you often do this ? " he asked the spirit.
" All the world knows me," was the reply, " though few
have seen me. They think they do it alone, and in the day-
light they try to remember how it was done."
000 I 2O 00?
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
As he spoke, they passed the top of a steeple. Mr. Ger-
rish could not resist the temptation to lay hold of it.
To his surprise it felt hard and real, and of a sudden,
terror seized him. He perceived his immense distance
from the street and became giddy. His normal senses
returned to him, and he clung to the pinnacle, just below
the vane.
Again the ghost left him.
He dared not look down again, but embraced the pyramid
eagerly, as though he were afraid it might break away from his
clutches.
He was alone in the sky.
He might have been an Arctic explorer at the actual North
Pole, for any chance he had of relief. The spire seemed to
bend in the wind, and recover its perpendicularity with much
difficulty.
He felt like a damp shirt that had been hung out to dry,
and had been forgotten.
He wished to yell for help, but hoped that no one below
was looking at him.
Some time after the ghost reappeared, and hung in the air
as if treading water to keep itself afloat. Mr. Gerrish won-
dered if it had been off to get a drink.
" If you have had enough of Levitation," said the ghost,
" we may continue our investigations." And Mr. Gerrish
found himself at home in bed again. But he had by this time
ceased to wonder at anything. He would have liked a pro-
gramme, so as to know what to expect next, but he had lost a
good deal of interest in the proceedings.
It was as if he were trying not to listen to a paper being
read at a meeting of the Researchers.
coo I 21 ceo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
" We shall now proceed to the condition of Semi-Nudity
in Dream," remarked the spectre.
" But I have had that," objected Enoch.
" 1 am afraid I have complicated things, but this will be a
simple case. And
first I '11 show you
what I can do at bed-
tipping," and the
spectre was as good
as his word. The
bed rocked like a
steamer in the Chan-
nel. It soared like an
aeroplane* It dived,
ducked, danced
dropped and doddered
like an indecent
Pianchette. Mr.
Gerrish clung to the
rail like the boatswain
of a runaway whale-
boat. Finally the
ghost took the bed
upon his head and
walked out of the
room with it, forthwith. Mn Gerrish tried to be calm, but
his head bumped against the ceiling,
He held his breath as they crowded through the front door.
Down the street they marched in a two-story procession, ghost
and man. No one was abroad, but the cocks were crowing
n the distance.
coo I 22 c0o
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
It was like riding a camel, or swaying in a palaquin of a
gouty elephant.
Mr. Gerrish felt that he could stand no more, but the worst
was yet to come.
The ghost planted the bed in the middle of Market Street,
and left him, this time for good.
Mr. Gerrish waited a long time, hiding under the sheets,
hoping it was a dream. At length he peeped from under the
covers, and saw, to his horror, that it had begun to get light.
The milk wagons began to rumble in the side streets. Worst
of all, he was over the slot of the car line, and of a sudden the
cable began to rattle over the pulleys.
He did not want his bed to be pushed off the track by a
Market Street car.
A policeman appeared in the vanishing point of the perspec-
tive of sidewalks, and walked steadily towards him. Mr.
Gerrish decided to wait and see if it were a real policeman.
The figure came nearer and nearer. The policeman left the
sidewalk and approached the bed, rubbing his eyes. Mr.
Gerrish was almost able to read the number on the helmet,
when the policeman hesitated a moment in astonishment, then
turned and ran like a hen up the middle of the street. He
tarned one block up, to the right, and disappeared.
A cable car with a red light appeared in the distance, and
Mr. Gerrish saw the time had come for action. He left the
bed on the track, and walked without dignity toward the
northwest. He wondered why he did not run, but a thin fog
seemed to blur his eyes, and he had great trouble in finding
his way.
Every little while he walked off the curbstone, and landed
with a nasty jolt.
coo I 23 «?o
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
He had never known there were so many streets in
San Francisco, and he wished them to remain straight, but
they refused. Each street seemed to be tied into a bow knot
with six ends. The sidewalks were set obliquely, the cross-
ings led back to the same side of the way, so he could never
get over. The houses
were huddled into the
middle of the pave-
ment. The gutters ran
vertically. He won-
dered why. He was
in a labyrinth, clad
immodestly. He tried
to find a latch key, but
he had no pocket.
He met wayfarers,
but they did not seem
to notice him.
He wondered if his
bed would be returned.
It was not marked, but
Jp3; he thought he might
,". ~'^f*£3& advertise for it.
Then there was a
great blank, as if the whole world had been etherized; and
then the void and chaos began to take form. Something
looked familiar. Ten pink spots upon the horizon.
They were his toes, sticking through the covers of his bed,
and he heard himself counting — " sixteen, seventeen, eighteen,
nineteen, TWENTY."
I 24
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
THE SPECTRE HOUSE: a Realization
Of Pseudo-Dematerialization ;
Or Better, say Etherealization.
MR. ENOCH GERRISH'S paper on "The Cus-
toms and Costumes of Ardent Spirits " had ended
at last, amid a babel of applause from the mem-
bers of the Psychical Research Society. No one had listened,
however; they applauded because he had finished. For an
hour and twenty minutes Mr. Gerrish had kept them from
their annual dinner.
They were sorry they had re-elected him president.
The dinner began, but to Mr. Gerrish's floating fancy it
never really ended. He ate on and on, abstractedly, and from
time to time he lifted a glass and drank, without taking off his
eyes from the bunch of celery in front of him.
He was thinking.
It was not the stuffed grouse, nor the leberwurst, nor the
mince pie, nor the Burgundy, nor even the bunch of celery
that induced Mr. Gerrish's hypnosis. To his mind this
dinner was out of place at a meeting of such an important
and intellectual society. He was thinking of his next paper,
which was to be upon the " Materialization and Demateriali-
zation of Inanimate Objects."
If the members had known that he was already thinking of
another paper, he would have been very much put out.
At long intervals, his mind, swimming laboriously through
the mazes of his forthcoming argument, rose, as one might
say, to the surface of things, and he heard, as if borne from
miles away, a song at the other end of the table. He was
000 I 25 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
occasionally hit unaware by a flying jest which exploded in
inane laughter.
His mind was on other things, though, he still passed his
plate mechanically for a fourth helping of pie. An im-
pressive company of empty bottles assembled beside his plate.
He ate and drank like a machine which some one had started
and had forgotten to stop.
The dinner did not end ; but the scene changed, somehow,
as in a dream — suddenly, much as a woman changes the
subject of a conversation, and with even less reason.
He found himself in the street, walking.
He kept in the middle of the street and counted his steps,
skipping hundreds without noticing it. He was well into the
millions when he reached No. 45 Taylor Street. He walked
upstairs backward so as not to wake the baby, crawled through
the transom into his room, and disrobed.
He got into a Harveyized night-shirt, stiff and brittle, and
polished as an ostrich egg, and went to bed. His shirt
creaked when he breathed, and he fancied he was still walking,
so he kept on counting.
Suddenly he sat up and looked about him, for the candle
was burning. He was in bed at No. 45 Taylor Street. But
this house had burned down last March ! He was sure of
that, for he had escaped down a ladder with great difficulty,
carrying a pitcher of cold water carefully. The crowd had
laughed at him, but he had explained to them his reasons for
saving the pitcher, which was, so he said, a last present from
his dying mother. The crowd had not believed this.
How, then, could he be in No. 45 Taylor Street if the
house had been burned down ? Or had it burned up ? There
was the hole in the plastering where he had tried to look
Gtfo I 26 oCtt
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
through the wall after the last dinner of the society. The
pattern of the wall-paper, too, made faces at him, as it always
did after he had over-eaten.
The house, then, had been ma-
terialized !
He reached for the pencil and
paper which he always kept at
the head of his bed in case an
idea or a ghost ever occurred to
him. He would make a note
of this to use as a datum for
his next essay. But the
paper and pencil were not
there. They never were
there when he needed them.
He got up and looked
out of the window. It was
almost morning. A milk-
wagon was passing. From
the next house came the
sound of snorting and a
housemaid rattling at the
kitchen stove. He turned
back to go to bed.
There was hardly room
enough left to sleep in.
The walls had grown
translucent and as through
a mist he saw in the back
yard his dog smelling at the dust-bin. Through blurred,
jellylike walls on either side he saw the windows of the
coo 128 cso
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
adjoining houses. His own house was fast fading away.
The whole front wall, bathed in the rays of the rising sun,
had already disappeared ! The ceiling had vanished.
With a sudden access of light the entire building melted
away and was gone from sight. He could not see the floor
though he felt the hard boards still under his feet, and
he even ran an invisible sliver into his great toe, remov-
ing it with difficulty. He groped his way, as if he were in
the dark, feeling for the bed. He found it first with his
left shin, and lay down, pulling the covers over him, in the
same futile way that an ostrich endeavors to hide itself by
putting its head in the sand.
The blankets were invisible to the naked eye and useless to
protect him from espionage, but they kept him warm.
Mr. Gerrish lay in bed feeling very silly, watching the city
awake. He dared not attempt to cross the floor, for fear of
falling downstairs or out of the window. Walking had been
difficult enough that night when the house was visible. What
would it be when the floor was gone ? It made him giddy to
think of it.
He was imprisoned in the atmosphere like a bird in a cage,
sixty feet from the pavement. He felt like a fish in a glass
aquarium, except that he could not swim.
The window next door was opened and the shade drawn.
A housemaid put out her hand to see if it were raining.
Then she looked up into the sky and saw Mr. Gerrish. Did
she think it was raining middle-aged gentlemen in night-shirts ?
For a long time she could not remove her eyes ; she was fas-
cinated by the sight.
She must have thought he was a belated angel who had
missed the last train to Paradise.
«*»9*» coo I 29 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
To Mr. Gerrish's relief, she vanished, but soon reappeared
with the cook. The two did not leave the window till all
was over.
A policeman next entered the theatre of Mr. Gerrish's
misery. The mortified but high-minded gentleman watched
through his toes as the officer walked down the street. When
he reached Mr. Gerrish's great toe he stopped and looked up
at the cook and the housemaid. From these his eyes slowly
travelled across the intervening space till they reached the
figure of a gentleman in scant attire — alone in the air !
"I say, you ! " yelled the policeman, "come down out of
that ! It 's agin' the law to sleep out-of-doors ! "
Mr. Gerrish waved his hand, feebly, in mild expo-depreca-
tion. What was the use of trying to explain the situation ?
Who would believe that he was in his own house, in his own
room, lying on his own bed, and was at heart as modest as a
spinster ? He would like nothing better than to be removed
or have the house returned.
The policeman began to throw stones at him, but only suc-
ceeded in breaking a window. He heard the crash, but saw
nothing. It was not till he had broken his own pate against
the spectre house that he realized the unique but illegal
situation.
By this time a large crowd had gathered. The cook and
the housemaid had not once taken their eyes from Mr. Ger-
rish ; he could feel them staring when his back was turned.
The policeman rang in a fire alarm and telephoned for the
sergeant.
After this things went more merrily.
Ladders were brought and leaned against the invisible house,
seemingly supported by nothing ; no one dared ascend. Men
C0o I 30 coo
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
with axes hacked at the walls, for the door, wherever it was,
was locked. A regiment of volunteers was called out to keep
the mob in check. The mayor of the city appeared and read
the Riot Act from the top of a . four-wheeled cab. Mr.
Gerrish watched all this through half-closed eyelids ; he felt
the mortifying situation keenly, and pretended to be asleep to
hide his embarrassment.
At last, after recklessly mounting a ladder, a fool of a
policeman rushed in where this angel in a night-shirt had
feared to tread. He grabbed Mr. Gerrish in his arms, and
after bumping both heads against innumerable obstacles, bore
him to the ground amidst the cheers of the now delirious
populace.
When Mr. Gerrish finally dared to open his eyes and
release his grip from the policeman's neck, every one had
vanished except the cook and the housemaid ; the house had
reappeared as good as new, absolutely opaque in the early
dawn.
He saw the big black number " 45," but it was not like the
house from which he had made such a sensational exit.
Then he remembered that No. 45 Taylor Street had been
rebuilt after the fire in March.
u See here," said the policeman, winking at the housemaid,
" you 'd better git back to bed, or you '11 catch cold. I caught
you just in time."
Mr. Gerrish read 14,000 words on the " Materialization
and Dematerialization of Inanimate Objects " at the next
dinner of the Psychical Research Society, but no one listened.
coo I 7 I
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
SOME PROVERBS: Hard to understand,
Though obvious the Moral ; - — And
PROVERBS PERVERTED: Showing How
They were as Truthful Then as Now.
Misery Loves Com-
pany.
Do not Cross the
Bridge until you
Come to it.
Birds of a Feather
Flock Together ; or
One Swallow does
not Make a Summer.
Those who Live in
Glass Houses
Should not Throw
Stones.
132
000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Dog my
Love
Dog Me !
Light Hands
Make
Many Work.
Bedfellows
Make
Strange
Poverty.
Locksmiths
Laugh at Love.
Company Loves
Misery.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
THE OVAL MOON : Poorly Translated.
The Author was Intoxicated ?
THERE was an astonishing oval blue moon a-bubble
amongst the clouds, striking a sidewise chord of
wild, blatant reluctance athwart the bowl of curds
with which I stroked her.
O Love ! — dead, and all your adjectives still in you.
A harsh and brittle whisper of a dream — a rough, red
shadow-ghost of awful prominence welled out and up through
all the inharmonious phases of the night. A frog bleated,
and turned his toe to slumber. The fringe of despair hung
round about my agony ; the stars went mad, the moon —
that blurred, blue, bleeding moon — the very toadstools on the
lawn, the close-clipped crust of foamy fire-lit hedge, balked,
choking, grey, upon the ring of flame-spent turf.
O Heaven and Happy Bard ! O freighted moors, conducive
to my ecstasy ! Each unto each was there, all yet was vain !
Now, in this hushed and turbid clime, the rancid relics of
the mist are not so gog with hume and spray, as in the rest.
Did not the viper hurl his macrocosmic integer in time ? In
such wise, I marvelled, might the whole world, peeled thin
and narrow in the spectres of the night's reply, go wild and
leer in many efforts to be insincere.
But, Gosh ! What agony !
The avalanche of superinsistent medroles — the pink of
pure, prismatic diaphrams, spoldrum and whood — all Hell
was there, and, weeping, lured me on.
So time went out, and came again, and disappeared. I was
too proud, too anxious to rehearse my sentiment for this, the
<**> I 34 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
dishevelled, procrastinating fear that might have held me.
The hotbed of palpitating remorse that drew me (and She,
too, with Her heavy hopes ajar) the very thomes of past prog-
nostications speeding to subject shams of wide and whooping
fantasies —
Oh ! oh ! oh ! It was too terrible !
There was no nothing there — only the
semblance of sharp moist scalding epochs,
ah, too long unfelt ! The little whining birds
that She had known, the windy abyss above us,
the Northern Paradox — these indeed She
had ; but where were sign of the three new-
joined Mysteries — the things that all applaud
forsooth ?
I began so slowly, too ; so secretly gaunt in
that old world where She had been ! There
was a fair old teeming thought, an echo-shape
on my horizon, that reeked, and, tempering to
its fresh-found tone, bewildered the ashes of
the miasmic Past. Yet I belted on new
moods, and, as I say, the hurtling phan-
tom broke. How could She know what
awful riot each red cone awoke ?
How could She know ?
How could She know ?
What ?
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
WHAT SMITH TRIED TO BELIEVE: A Study
That Ought to Appeal to Anybuddy.
WELL, I come home late that night, — near one
o'clock, I reckon, and I undressed in the dark as
per usual. When I got into bed, I thought it
felt as though somebuddy had been there, and when I kicked
out my leg, sure enough, somebuddy was there. Well, I
thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? I '11 go to sleep —
it 's only a man."
But I kinder could n't sleep, so I got up and lit a cigaroot,
and I saw the feller what was in bed with me was dead.
Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? He won't
git over on to my side of the bed, anyway."
Well, I fired my cigaroot in the paper basket, and went to
sleep. After a while, I thought I smelled smoke, and it was n't
cigaroot smoke, neither, but the basket was all afire, and burn-
ing like a editor's soul after death ! Well, I thought " Rats !
What 's the Difference ? "
coo
I 36
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Well, it looked so bright and comfortable, I thought I 'd
get up and read. By this time one corner of the room was
going like a runaway horse, and it was nice and warm. After
I 'd read about ten minutes, it got so blame hot I could n't
stand it, and I got up and went into the next room. I just
thought, " Rats ! What 's the Difference ? "
Well, in about a hour, there was a big crowd outside of the
old house, and they was all yelling u Fire ! " to beat the cars.
I looked outer winder. u Jump ! " says a fireman, and I
jamp.
Then I walked off, and a feller says, says he: "you blame
fool, you bruk yer laig ! " Well, I thought, " Rats ! What 's
the Difference ? " />
coo I 37
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
A PERMUTATI VE SYSTEM : Oh, how Strange
Philosophy's Kaleidoscopic Range !
IT may be doubted that any system of
thought arranged upon the lines here-
with proposed can be a success.
The fact of its accomplishment, alone,
important as it must be, is no proof of
method.
For instance, the correct relation between
any two facts is one that must be investigated
along the lines of thought best correlated to
these facts.
And in spite of what, at first sight, might
be called irrelevancy, there is this to be
observed, no matter
what bearing the above
may have to the sub-
ject in hand, that the relation of one
part to any other may or may not be
true.
And here must be noted the impor-
tance of the demand that such types of
thought do exist. This is, no doubt, a
quality of subjects, rather than of rela-
tivity between modes of expression.
So, too, are questions affecting the
expression of coherent symbols of equal
importance with the methods by which
these symbols are expressed.
coo I 38 <**>
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
But, at the same time, there must
of necessity be a certain divergence in
form between the types of questions
to be discussed.
And in spite of what might, at first
sight, be called irrelevancy, there is this
to be observed, no matter what the
above may have to the subject in hand,
that the relation of one part to any
other may or may not be true.
It may be doubted that any system
of thought arranged upon the lines
herewith proposed, can be a suc-
cess. The fact of its accomplishment,
alone, important as it must be, is
no proof of method.
But, at the same time, there must of neces-
sity be a certain divergence in form between
the types of questions to be discussed.
For instance, the correct relation between
any two facts is one that must be investigated
along the lines of thought best correlated to
these facts.
So, too, are questions affecting the expression
of coherent symbolsof equal importance with the
methods by which these symbols are expressed.
And in spite of what, at first sight, might be
called irrelevancy, there is this to be observed,
no matter what bearing the above may have to
the subject in hand, that the relation of one part
to any other may or may not be true.
c<73 I 39 000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
TRAPPING FAIRIES in West Virginia:
I Think I ne'er Saw Fairies Skinnier !
140
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
SHOOTING WITCHES in Massachu-
setts :
How Proud each Female Bugaboo Sets !
COO 142
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
FISHING FOR MERMAIDS in the
Pacific :
Lord ! Ain't these Naiad Shapes Terrific ?
coo 144 coo
«>o JO ooa
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE MEETING OF A SOCIAL CLUB
at Which
(The Secretary's Minutes Seem to Show)
Proceedings did Not Go Without a Hitch.
If you have Ever Been to One, You '11 Know !
SMITH
JONES
ROBINSON
Mr. Smith still held the floor the chair objected to the
motion made by Mr. Jones as being out of order. . . .
Mr. Robinson, failing to receive his expected support,
and not being recognized by the chair, dropped out of the discussion,
there seemed to be a general desire to re-open the subject that had
been laid upon the table.
<u?o 14.6 009
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE "INSECT WORLD'S
A Yellow Journalistic Feat.
Alarming Beat:
OVER itooo DESTROYED IN KIT-CHEN!
REINFORCEMENTS TO GO TO THE FRONT!
GREAT HAVOC WITH SMOKELESS POWDER!
KIT-CHEN, July 31. — A dispatch exclusively to
cc The Insect World " brings the account of a
horrible slaughter of more than 1,000 cockroaches
in the neighborhood of Kit-Chen district. General Beetle,
advancing toward Wash-Tubdorf was attacked with smokeless
Buhach powder, and his whole command destroyed. The
ground was covered with dead and dying and only a few
of the wounded escaped to carry the news of the terrible
calamity. The force was in the vicinity of an extensive
Range, keeping in communication with the Water Pipes,
near Sinkfontein, when the disaster occurred.
Reinforcements, now intrenched behind Coal-Scuttle-Kop,
are about to advance into the Kit-Chen, led by General B.
Tell of the Seventy-Sixth Black Roaches. The enemy is as
yet invisible, but it is feared that another attack is imminent.
000
I 47
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
A SEMINARY FOR FEMALE SMOKING;
A Needed Institution This. (No Joking!)
CURRICULUM:
FIRST YEAR: THE CIGARETTE.
Lighting. Plain Smoking. Knocking off Ash.
Inhalation. Smoking through Nose. The Nicotine Finger.
Laboratory Work: Rolling. Rice Papers and Corn Husks.
SECOND YEAR: THE
CIGAR.
Sizes : Damas to Perfecto.
Colors : Claro to Maduro.
Stogies, Cheroots, and Seconds.
Laboratory Work: Fillers,
Binders and Wrappers.
1480^
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THIRD YEAR: THE
PIPE.
Filling and Packing.
Clays, Briars, and Meerschaums.
Water Pipes.
Laboratory IVork : Coloring and
Cleaning. Mixtures.
Literature of Nicotine.
FOURTH YEAR: POST-GRADUATE
COURSE.
Influence of Tobacco upon the Morals.
Smoke-Vortex-Rings.
The Peace-Pipe at Afternoon Tease.
Laboratory Work : Loaded Cigars and Gunpowder Pipes.
Use and Abuse of Holders. Street Practise.
coo 149 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
MISS GULLIVER IN LILLIPUT:
Don't Say it is a Silly Cut —
I Did it with my Little Hatchet
You'll Find it Difficult to Match it !
i5°
MissGulliver
Lilliput
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE LITTLE FATHER who Contracted
A Habit that a Loss Exacted.
THE elder Mr. Master was a big and bulky man
Before the queer event that I am telling you began ;
His only son was Michael, then a little child of four,
But Michael has n't hardly any father any more !
It was little Michael Master, who detected, first of all,
That his great enormous father was becoming very small ;
Now I never knew the reason, but I fancy that he shrank
Because of all the mucilage that Mr. Master drank,
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Every day, at breakfast time, when Michael tried his dad,
He found he measured something less than yesterday he had ;
And still he kept on growing small and smaller every night,
Till Michael and his father were exactly of a height !
There was no Mrs. Master, so the father and the son
Got on together happily and had a lot of fun ;
They wore each other's clothing, and they used each other's
toys,
They became as really intimate as if they both were boys !
But Mr. Master would persist in his eccentric drink,
So littler and littler did Mr. Master shrink.
They had to cut his trousers down ; and soon they were afraid
They 'd have to send to Germany to have his Jaegers made.
The way he used up hats and shoes and linen shirts and ties !
As soon as they had bought them, he would need a smaller size !
But everywhere that Michael went, his father went, of course ;
If Mr, Master could n't walk, he rode on Michael's horse.
5-00 1 53 °°°
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The people used to laugh at him, when they went out to walk,
For Michael's tiny father made an awful lot of talk.
The little children in the street they always used to cry,
" 7 would n't have a father who was only two foot high ! "
000 I 54 0/73
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
But Michael was obedient to all his father told,
For though his daddy dwindled, he was forty-two years old !
And so when Michael misbehaved and tried to bite or scratch,
His father climbed upon a chair and beat him — with a match !
One day the Tax Collector called, and till he went away
The father hid in Michael's bank, because he could n't pay.
And when to burgle Michael's bank the Tax Collector tried,
u O, please don't shake the bank ! " said Mike, u my father is
inside ! "
One day a big policeman found him crying in the street,
" Oh, dear ! I 've lost my father !" little Michael did repeat ;
But ere the Bobby understood, he added with a smile,
u Oh, here he is ! My dad was in my pocket all the while ! "
And many other anecdotes do Michael's neighbors tell
Of this midget Mr. Master and his giant son as well ;
Of how he swam in saucers and of how he hunted flies ;
How proud he got to be about his Lilliputian size.
000 1 55 CGO
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
And Michael had to build a house to keep his father in,
A little paper house it was, the walls were very thin ;
And if the child desired to have the morning to himself,
He put his father, with a lump of sugar, on the shelf.
He had to walk across the page and back, to read a book ;
But he drank a drop of mucilage with every meal he took !
And when I last inquired about him, everybody said
That Michael used a microscope to put his pa to bed !
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
McGURRY and the YELLOW SUNDAY
EDITOR:
Or, How a Pirate Found a Fair Competitor.
McGURRY was a Pirate, and he sailed the Southern
Sea,
And he was about as naughty as a man could
hope to be;
He tortured of his prisoners, he married of their wives,
His crew abode in palpitating terror of their lives.
He caught a Sunday Editor intent upon a " feature "
Who let himself be captured, just to interview the creature.
He asked the gory Pirate, " Are you really very bad ? "
And McGurry 'gan to simper in a silly way he had.
" Behold," he said, u my diary, a chronicle of sin ;
There 's not a single crime I know, I have n't dabbled in ! "
The Sunday Editor exclaimed, u You need n't have confessed,
Such petty infamy as this would never interest ! "
The Sunday Editor escaped and tried another lay,
And found a lovely scandal in an actress divorcee.
McGurry, too disconsolate at not achieving glory,
Became a pious stevedore, which finishes the story.
coo I 57 coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE GIANT BABY: with an Ending
Glad, but Somewhat Condescending.
MISS Anne and Ella Sorrowtop were ladies sweet and
kind;
They were charitable, wealthy, educated and
refined ;
They never used to turn away a beggar, with a frown ;
And they lived a quiet life in an exclusive part of town.
Miss Anne was more indulgent, and the children loved her
much —
She gave them chocolate lollipops, and peppermints, and such.
Miss Ella was more practical, and saw about their clothes ;
Attended to their mittens, and repaired their little hose ;
For they had no children of their own, and oh, it made them
sad ;
So they loved the little children that the other ladies had !
And whether they were naughty ones, or whether they were nice,
As long as they were children, that alone would quite suffice.
Well, one wild and wintry Wednesday, on returning from a
call,
They found a basket on their steps, and heard a little bawl !
Miss Anne she nearly fainted, and she said, " What can it be ? "
Miss Ella was more practical ; she said " We '11 look and see ! "
And what d' you s'pose the basket held ! It held a baby boy !
Miss Anne and Ella Sorrowtop, they nearly died of joy !
They took him to the fireplace and got him good and warm,
For it is n't good for babies to be cradled in a storm.
coo 158 c-tfo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
It was a lusty young one, and it kicked, and said, " Ah-Goo ! "
Which pleased the kind old ladies, so they scarce knew what
to do.
They decided to adopt him, and to bring him up by hand;
And oh, the happy future that the dear old ladies planned !
Miss Anne desired
to name him
Guy St. Claire
Philippe ; but no
Miss Ella was more
practical, and so
they called him
Joe.
The healthy infant
grew and grew,
outgrowing all
his frocks;
Till they squandered
quite a fortune in
his roundabouts
and socks.
They made his
clothes with many
tucks, and let them out each week,
For he was a monstrous infant, when he first began to speak.
The children loved to play with him at first, but as he grew,
They got afraid to meet him, and I think that you would too,
For when he was but two years old, he measured six feet high !
He did n't mean to do it, but he made the children cry ;
For when he fell upon them, it would hurt a little bit,
So the children hated playing " tag " whenever Joe was " it."
coo 1 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Miss Anne and Ella Sorrowtop still tended him with joy,
Although they saw at last, he was a GIANT baby boy !
"If he only would stop growing up ! " Miss Anne would cry
and fret —
Miss Ella was more practical;
she said, " He '11 save us,
yet ! "
When Joe was very
little, he was fond
of pussy-cats ;
But as he grew enor-
mous, kittens feared
his gentle pats.
So when he grew up
big enough for kilts
(with pockets, too),
Now what d'you think
that giant baby went
and tried to do ?
He found a lovely old
white horse, and
broke his halter
strap,
He took poor Dobbin's
harness off, and held
him in his lap !
Miss Anne she nearly died of fright for her adopted son;
Miss Ella was more practical ; she only said, " What fun ! "
And so these ladies bought the horse, and let him play with Joe,
And everywhere that Joey went, the horse was sure to go.
coo l6o coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Well, Joe was very meek and kind, and tried to be so good !
That everybody loved him, when at last they understood.
Miss Anne was 'fraid his giant parents might return some
day;
Miss Ella was more practical; she said, " No, &V, not they !
And if they do, what of it ? They will pay us for our care."
For his food had cost them something — he had had the best of
fare.
And so the giant baby loomed, the town's gigantic pet ;
And they talk about his childish pranks with shrieks of laughter
yet :
How he tried to help them deck the town upon the First of May,
And trimmed the spires and steeples, in a most amusing
way;
How he stepped upon the courthouse roof, and suddenly fell
through
And then got stuck inside the walls and cried about it, too !
Of how he swept the streets with trees ; and fell asleep, one
day,
And snored a little giant-snore that scared the Mayor away !
And better yet, they love to tell of how Miss Anne, of all
Prim, dignified, old ladies, tried to please him, as a doll !
For dolls are most expensive, when they have to be so great,
And Joey wanted one so much she could not hesitate.
She dressed herself in pink and white, she gazed a doll-like
stare,
And let him carry her around, a hundred feet in air !
She ejaculated " Papa ! " and she sweetly closed her eyes,
When Joey held her in his arms adjacent to the skies.
For she loved her darling Jo-boy, spite of all his giant pranks ;
Miss Ella was more practical ; she only said, " No, thanks I "
C<50 l62 000
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Well, what this infant would have done, if he had only stayed,
I hardly dare to tell you, or of all the games he played.
But, one stupid, snowy Sunday, on returning from a call,
The Misses Sorrowtop they found he was n't there at all !
They hunted in the pasture, where he always used to play,
They hunted in the old red barn, and in his bed of hay,
They hunted all the woods about, and on the river shore,
But they never found their giant baby ever any more !
But in their great front parlor, which was shabby, now, and old,
Whatever do you s'pose they found ? Just heaps and heaps of
gold !
They 'd spent a fortune on ehe child, and they had grown so
poor
That this the giant parents left to pay them, to be sure !
Miss Anne she cried like everything, for she was sweet and
kind ;
Miss Ella was more practical ; she said, " Oh, never mind ! "
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE BANKRUPT BABE: or How the Pride
Of Wealth is Sometimes Misapplied.
THE little Bunny Toddlekins, he was his father's joy ;
" He was, he was, he so he was, a cunnin' 'ittle boy."
Ah, little Bunny Toddlekins was very strict indeed !
He held his pa responsible for fuel, clothes, and feed, —
And if his clothing did n't fit (he wore a swaddling suit),
Or if he found his milk too thin, he called his pa a brute !
And if the fire was smoky, he would use an epigram —
His childish prattle usually commencing with a u Damn."
To his mother he was very kind, he taught her all he knew ;
And she subsequently wrote a book : — " The Infant's Point
of View."
Now little Bunny's income was a penny every week,
Which his father had allowed him, since he first began to speak.
coo 165 ooo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
(I mean when Bunny first began — and not his pa, of course !)
And he kept his money (Bunny's) in a little shiny Bourse.
His Bank was small and beautiful, and built of solid tin ;
The chimney had a little hole to slip the pennies in j
The fact they could be shaken out, ne'er entered Bunny's pate,
Until his father burgled it — but I anticipate.
The baby's wealth accumulated, growing every week,
For Bunny was an avaricious baby, so to speak.
He never bought a stick of candy, never bought a tart ;
In fact, to spend a penny almost broke the baby's heart.
His father called him stingy, and his mother called him mean !
But what did little Bunny care ? He did n't care a bean !
At last his hoard had grown so large, from pennies into pence,
That every time he shook his Bank, he rattled twenty cents !
His father used to finger it with jealousy and greed,
For the elder Mr. Toddlekins was very poor indeed !
The elder Mr. Toddlekins, he speculated too ;
He was a wicked banker — and you know what banktrs do !
He dabbled in " Consolidated," plunged in Winter Wheat,
Until he was the laughing-stock of all upon the Street.
He played the " Jersey Limited," and there at last was broke ;
And being fleeced upon Exchange is quite a nasty joke !
Whatever could a banker do, but borrow of his son ?
But Bunny now was obdurate, and would n't lend his mon.
The elder Mr. Toddlekins, he shuddered, as disgrace
And ruin dire, and poverty, they stared him in the face !
He packed his leather dressing-case, he took a comb or two,
A nighty and a tooth-brush, and a collar (almost new) ;
For his soul was black and wicked ; he had steeled his heart to sin ;
And be burgled little Bunny's Bank, the little Bank of tin !!!
VOH 1 66 coo
— THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
He took it very carefully, and held it upside down,
He caught the pennies in his lap, and then he skipped the town !
He took a train to Canada, beginning life anew,
And corresponded with his wife, at least a year or two.
But little Bunny in his cradle, never waked or stirred,
For paregoric in his milk had made his dreams absurd !
He thought he heard it thunder ('t was the pennies rattling out),
And he did n't know until too late, what it was all about !
So now he is a bankrupt, and a pauper baby boy,
And he lives in an Asylum an existence minus joy.
His darling mother visits him in silence every week ;
For Bunny ne'er forgave her, so they never, never speak !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE BOHEMIANS OF BOSTON and their Ways;
A Memory of the Jacobean Craze.
THE " Orchids " were as tough a crowd
As Boston anywhere allowed ;
It was a club of wicked men —
The oldest, twelve, the youngest, ten ;
They drank their soda colored green,
They talked of « Art '* and « Philistine,"
They wore buff " wescoats " and their hair,
It used to make the waiters stare !
They were so shockingly behaved
And Boston thought them so depraved,
000 I 69 000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Policemen, stationed at the door,
Would raid them every hour or
more!
They used to smoke (!) and laugh
out loud (!)
They were a very devilish crowd !
They formed a Cult, far subtler,
brainier,
Than ordinary Anglomania,
For all as Jacobites were reckoned,
And gayly toasted Charles the
Second !
(What would the Bonnie Charlie
say
If he could see that crowd to-day ?)
Fitz-Willieboy McFlub-
adub
Was Regent of the Orchid's Club
A wild Bohemian was he,
And spent his money fast and
free.
He thought no more of spend-
ing dimes
On some debauch of pickled
limes,
Than you would think of
spending nickels
To buy a pint of German
pickles !
The Boston maiden passed
him by
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
With sidelong glances of her eye,
She dared not speak (he was so wild),
Yet worshipped this Lotharian child.
Fitz-Willieboy was so blase,
He burned a Transcript up, one day !
The Orchids fash-
ioned all their
style
On Flubadub's
infernal guile.
That awful Boston
oath was his, —
He used to jac-
ulate, "Gee-
Whiz ! "
He showed them
that immoral
haunt,
The dirty Chinese
Restaurant,
And there they 'd
find him, even when
It got to be as late as ten !
He ate chopped suey (with a fork),
You should have heard the villain talk
Of one reporter that he knew (!)
An artist, and an actor, too ! ! !
The orchids went from bad to worse,
Made epigrams — attempted verse !
Boston was horrified and shocked
To hear the way these Orchids mocked,
coo 171 GOO
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
For they made fun of Boston ways,
And called good men Provincial Jays !
The end must come to such a story,
Gone is the wicked Orchids' glory,
The room was raided by police,
One night, for breaches of the Peace
(There had been laughter, long and loud,
In Boston this is not allowed),
And there, the sergeant of the squad
Found awful evidence, — my God ! —
Fitz-Willieboy McFlubadub,
The Regent of the Orchids' Club,
Had written on the window sill,
This shocking outrage — " Beacon H — // / "
000 IJ2 000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
WHANG AND YAK: an a la Carte
Dinner, with a Counterpart.
THERE was once a Lady Ogress who was all of a
vicious violet, and very villanous of temper. The
little boys loved her because she could stick out her
tongue three quarters of a mile ; the little girls despised her
because she always wore the same dress ; the grown up folk
were much annoyed at her because she would have little chil-
dren for dinner on Fridays. To be sure, they also had little
children at the table, but the Lady Ogress had them on the
table — fried. How their little bodies browned ! How their
little legs and arms curled up ! It was immensely unpleasant.
Now the name of the Lady Ogress was Whang, and she
lived up in the Hard Mountains all day, and at night she slept
in the bed of the River Flo. In this way she avoided washing
herself, and her feet were very large and horrible.
Well, there was a little boy there named Yak. He was
nearly as big as you, but no bigger. He was very ugly for
his age, and stronger and cleverer than most. But though he
was ugly, Yak was a very sweet child ; so sweet, in fact that
Whang was very anxious to eat him.
But Yak was not at all an easy child to eat. He would
often come down to the border of the River Flo to see the
Lady Ogress as she lay in the stream, with her hair damming
up the water above her head, her feet very large and horrible,
and he would cry, " Whang, Whang ! Stick out your
tongue ! " and she, anxious to please him, that she might get
him to dinner for a Friday, would stick out her tongue for
three quarters of a mile, more or less ; possibly more, but no
less.
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
" Come up to the table lands to dine with me, Yak,"
implored the Lady Ogress. " Come any day j come Friday."
" I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Monday.
What do you have for dinner on Mondays ? " said Yak.
u Harlequin ices, so cold, so cold ; also creamed snow-
flakes," said Whang.
On Monday, then, and it was a merry Monday at that,
with all manner of little yellow birds singing in a skyful of
sun, up went Yak into the Hard Mountains to dine with
Whang. The Lady Ogress froze her ices in a crawling
glacier on Mount Terror, and the snapping, stinging cold of
the avalanches made her all of a vicious violet, and very vil-
lanous of temper. But she was good to Yak, and gay to
Yak, and very mild and meek to Yak, that she might get him
there for a Friday. Still her feet were very large and
horrible.
So they fed and they feasted till they were full ; and after
they were all through the Lady Ogress smiled and smiled, so
strange, so strange, that it was almost impossible. " And how
do you like my harlequin ice ? " said she.
" It is too cold," said Yak, although he had hidden all he
could n't eat in his wallet when her back hair was turned.
" Ah, but it is not as cold as you are," said Whang, " for
you won't come on a Friday."
"I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Tuesday.
What do you have on Tuesdays ? " said Yak.
" Yam pudding, so hot, so hot ; also honeysuckle pie," said
Whang.
So up went Yak into the Hard Mountains on Tuesday to
dine with Whang. It was a terrible Tuesday, cold trimmed
with icicles and hoar frost, under a gray sky, pied all over
coo 174 <*^
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
with clouds. It was a great day for sea gulls and Polar bears.
The Lady Ogress cooked her meals in a volcano beside
Mount Terror, near the glacier, and the heat of the fire made
her all of a vicious violet, and very villanous of temper. But
she tried to be sweet to Yak, and soft to Yak, and very kind
and cordial to Yak, that she might get him there for a Friday.
But her feet were very large and horrible.
So they sat down and ate and ate and ate, till all the crows
wondered if there would be anything left for them. u And
how do you like my yam pudding ? " said Whang.
u It is too hot," said Yak ; but nevertheless he had put away
a good slice of it in his wallet to cool.
" Ah, but it is not so hot as your temper," said Whang,
u for you will not come on a Friday."
u I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Wednes-
day. What do you have on a Wednesday ? " said Yak.
" Pickled whelks, so sour, so sour ; also green gooseberries,"
said Whang.
So Yak went up on Wednesday to see how he liked her
Wednesday dinner, he and his wallet with him, swinging at
his side; a red wallet, a long wallet, a wallet that looked like
the scabbard of an axe.
It was a wild Wednesday, sure enough. It rained all over,
it coughed spatters, and it sneezed a drizzling spray, so that
the little fishes in the sea congratulated each other and rubbed
their noses together. Now the Lady Ogress did most of her
pickling and h<;r potting and her preserving over beyond the
glacier, around a corner of Mount Terror, a little west of the
volcano, in a narrow canon, through which the storms swept
so savagely that the sting of the sleet made her all of a vicious
violet, and very villanous of temper. But she thought it best
000 176 coo
coe 12 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
to dissemble and so she was fine to Yak, and friendly to Yak,
and very hospitable and hearty to Yak, that she might get him
there for a Friday. But her feet were very large and horrible.
So they devoured so many whelks and green gooseberries,
that they have never cared for any more since. And when
they were well stuffed the Lady Ogress said, u And how do
you like my pickled whelks, Yak ? "
" They are too sour," said Yak ; but, mind you, they were
not so bad but that he had snipped up half a pint to hide in his
wallet.
" Ah, but they are not so sour as you are, that will not come
and dine with me on a Friday," said Whang.
" I '11 not come on a Friday, but I '11 come on a Thursday,"
said Yak. " What do you have on Thursdays ? "
u Chocolate pasties, so sweet, so sweet ; also frosted pista-
chios," said Whang.
So Yak went up into the dinner table lands in the Hard
Mountains again. It was a thundering Thursday, that
Thursday, dry as an old book, and the wind blew at the rate
of three hundred miles an hour, more or less ; possibly more,
but no less. It blew him right up hill, he and all the birds
with him. The snakes were the only animals that could crawl
south on that day, and this they did, for no reason whatsoever,
except to show off. Now Whang sugared her bon-bons on
the slope of a snowy hillside, beyond the volcano, just north
of the glacier on Mount Terror, handy to the canon, and the
whipping of the hurricane made her all of a vicious violet,
and very villanous of temper. But she was very smug to
Yak, and smooth to Yak, and very amiable and affectionate
to Yak, that she might get him there for a Friday. But her
feet were very large and horrible.
coo 178 <u?o
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
They gobbled and gorged at that wonderful dinner, Whang
and Yak, till they had eaten almost as much as they did on
Wednesday — but not quite. And then the Lady Ogress
said, " And how do you like my chocolate pasties ? "
" They are too sweet," said Yak, though he had seven in
his wallet, against to-morrow.
"Ah, but they're not so sweet as you9 II be, Yak, if you'll
only come on a Friday, Yak ; look at this, Yak." And Whang
stuck out her tongue three quarters of a mile ; possibly more,
but no less, and smiled painfully.
This1 pleased Yak, and he said, a Well, I '11 come on a
Friday. What do you have on Fridays?" He knew well
that on Fridays the Lady Ogress dined on fried babies on
toast, but he had an idea.
u If you '11 promise to come," said Whang, " I '11 have
something that is both cold and hot, and both sour and sweet."
" All right, then," said Yak, " I '11 come on a Friday."
It was a fair Friday, full of sunshine and clouds in the
proper proportion, when Yak went up into the Hard Moun-
tains again. It did not blow, and it did not rain, and all
manner of little animals were out of doors enjoying themselves.
The worms and the moles and the gophers and prairie dogs
came up out of the ground to see Yak as he passed by. The
foolish fishes stuck their heads out of the water and yelled
" Hurrah ! " The birds circled around him as he went on,
and they wondered at his courage and ugliness.
The Lady Ogress was busy with a huge frying pan by the
side of a big precipice, a million miles high more or less;
possibly more, but no less.
"Hello! "said Whang, and "Hello!" said Yak. Then
they sat down.
coo 179 100
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
" What are you going to have for dinner to-day ? " said
Yak.
" I 've told you already, something that 's hot and cold, and
sour and sweet," said Whang, " but if you '11 guess, you may
have my share."
" Well, I 've brought that for my own dinner in my red,
long wallet, my wallet like the scabbard of an axe," Yak
said, " and if you can guess what it is, you may have my
share."
"In your wallet?" cried the Lady Ogress. "If it's in
your wallet, then I can't guess what it is."
"Then it's all mine," said Yak, and he emptied out his
wallet, his red wallet, his long wallet, his wallet like the scab-
bard of an axe, and began to eat. " Here 's some harlequin
ice ; and that 's cold." So he ate that. " Here 's some
yam pudding ; and that 's hot." So he ate that. " Here 's
some pickled whelks ; and they Jre sour." So he ate those.
" And here 's some chocolate pasty ; and that 's sweet ! " So
he ate that.
" Well, that 's awfully clever, I must say," said Whang ;
" but now let 's see you guess what 7 am going to have for
dinner this Friday."
" Oh, you were going to eat me, for I am hot, and I am
cold, and I am sour, and I am sweet, since I came on a
Friday. Is that right ? "
" Yes," said the Lady Ogress.
" Then I have won your share, and you may n't eat me,"
said Yak.
" But I am always very, very hungry on a Friday, and I
must eat something" said Whang.
" Eat yourself," said Yak.
C00 I 8O C<73
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
" I will," said the mortified Ogress, and she began sadly to
eat herself up, beginning with the toes of her feet which were
very large and horrible.
When she was completely devoured Yak got up and pushed
her over the edge of the big precipice.
Then Yak left the edge of the big precipice, walked along
the slope of the snowy hillside through the narrow canon
below the volcano of Mount Terror, crossed the crawling
glacier bearing his red wallet, his long wallet, his wallet like
the scabbard of an axe till he got home. The next day was
Saturday — a serene and satisfactory Saturday for Yak indeed.
Yes, indeed !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
LITTLE TOTSY'S TRAGEDY: a Grim,
Pessimistic, Morbid Sort of Whim.
THE little Totsy Toddledrop was but three years old
when her widowed mother died, leaving her to the
mercies of the bitter world. Though her father
had been an accomplished Gonoff, vice, intemperance, or sin
had left no mark upon the youthful face of the tiny Totsy,
for she was as innocent as a new-laid egg and unskilled in
infamy. In spite of her years and hardships Totsy's life had
been horribly sweet and pure, and great men, stooping to kiss
this little waif of the streets, burst into tears at her youth, her
beauty, and her sad tale of misfortunes, called her " angel " —
and passed on.
But Totsy could not live on kisses of indulgent old gentle-
men ; her three years had taught her that they were indigest-
ible and innutritious ; they were sweet and hearty, but they did
not sustain. And little Totsy grew more frail upon these
delicacies, longing for death.
It was many, many weeks since she had tasted food, when,
one day, while sitting upon the steps of the police station,
Totsy saw a man brought in, held by two, three, four, five
policemen. He struggled fiercely in their embraces, and
talked a wild language — polysyllabic, guttural — so strange
that the little child could not understand its import.
" Ah, he is hungry, too ! " thought the little Totsy, as she
placed a wan, thin hand upon her little empty tummy. And
her eyes filled.
Timidly she followed the hullabaloo as it swept up to the
magistrate's desk. With eyes of wonder she heard the case
ooo I 82 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
discussed, but when the sentence was given — two months in
the workhouse — she broke down and wept uncomfortably.
" Two months ! " she cried to the officer by the door, "and
do they eat there — at the workhouse ? "
" Well, I guess yes," said the copper.
But little Totsy Toddledrop had fainted.
When she came to, with a pronounced brunette taste of
whiskey in her
mouth (and, in-
deed, as far down
as her little worn
belt), she staggered
up to the judge.
"Oh, Mister
Man," she wailed,
" send me, too, to
the workhouse ! "
" But you have
committed no
crime," cried the
magistrate.
"A crime?
What is that which it is, which it is what ? " appealed the
child, whose great-great-grandfather had been a St. Louis
Frenchman. So she, too, had eight and one half per cent of
Creole blood.
" Go, little girl, and commit a felony."
" But I am so weak, so weak ! " cried the miserable baby,
" might not a misdemeanour suffice ? "
"Well, we Ml see, we '11 see," said the old man, indulgently.
" Now run away and try to be bad."
c/20 183 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
" Oh, sir, you are so kind to me," wept the dainty child ;
" may I not call you papa ? It will not cost you a cent," she
added.
The magistrate, remembering his six little daughters at
home, and that he had promised to buy them theatre tickets
for that night, left hurriedly.
" What it is ? " cried Totsy, very wildly.
"What it is — which is crime? Oh, I am
too young for murder ! "
But the little Totsy would try ; she would
be brave and at least attempt to slaughter a
man, for homicide was all she knew of
crime.
A man and a woman passed. Which
should she try ?
She decided on the man. Men had
always been kind to her, and he would be
kind now. Women had always told her
that her face was dirty.
She boldly attacked the man.
But what could a young child (only three
years of age and unused to mayhem of any kind), do to a
stock-broker, trained in the wheat pit ?
She swung her tiny fist against his knee-cap, but she never
touched him. With her little feeble jaw she bit him in the
leg.
He did not even notice it.
" My God ! " she cried aloud.
The man, who was a good man, stopped.
u Excuse me, sir," said the Totsy, " but have you a pocket
knife?"
coo I 84 *&*
— THE BUROESS NONSENSE BOOK-
" Yes, my child," replied the gentleman ; " why do you
ask ? "
By this time the infant was weeping again. She always
wept in an emergency. She was very young, but she had
learned that much.
" Boo hoo ! " she cried. " Oh, Mister, for the love of
dinner, let me murder you. It is my only hope," she added,
thinking he was about to give in.
But the man only laughed and passed on. " Certainly
not," he whispered.
" Not to oblige a lady ? " implored Totsy.
u No, madam ! " he said, rudely. " It is absurd."
Little Totsy crept forlornly back to the police station. The
magistrate had returned to borrow a cigar.
u What hope is there for such as I ? No one will let me
murder him or her ! " and again she turned on the battery of
her tears.
"Try again, said the officer, kindly; "there is always
burglary."
u Oh, indeed, I can learn to burgle — I will try so hard,"
said the little one. She went home and hunted the sidewalks
for some chance gumdrop to sustain life till she should have
sinned. Her search was at last rewarded, and she lived for
ten days upon the morsel, till at last it dissolved, and sank
mucilaginously past her epiglottis.
Meanwhile she had borrowed a jimmy from a young gentle-
man friend, proceeded up Madison Avenue and selected a fit
theatre for her little act.
She stopped at No. XXVY and rang the bell. It was now
about 3.23 A.M. It was dark, but not too dark.
It was the beautiful but exclusive Mrs. de Goldbrick van
c-oo 185 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Pastenbury that protruded her yellow head from a third story
window and cried down to Totsy what did she want ?
u Please let me in, for I have come to burgle your house,"
pleaded the little innocent orphan, who in her childish heart
thought she was carrying out her part with immense verve
and consummate tact.
The lady seemed much touched. But she only smiled,
threw a kiss to the child, drew down the window sash and
resumed her toilet.
Little Totsy beat
against the front door
with her jimmy. Her
efforts dented the varnish,
but were otherwise in-
adequate. Had she only
thought to attack the plate
glass, she would by now
have been a little sister
of the workhouse. So
near success lies to failure.
But it never occurred to her.
Why narrate her further attempts at infamy ? Try as she
might, she could not be felonious. Her innocent face betrayed
her every time she tried to appear depraved. Paying tellers
only laughed at her when she asked them to cash forged checks.
She tried her Lilliputian hand at arson, but without avail, for
her matches would go out. She was too little for shop-lifting.
Step by step she fell to lower levels of vice and did not
recoil at even an ordinary misdemeanour. She rode her little
bicycle at night without a light and the policemen only guyed
her. Was the whole world against her ?
coo I 86 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
She smoked cigarettes in the elevated trains and horny-
handed, leathern-lunged guards went forward and back, met
one another and nudged elbows and said : u How cunning !
So like my darling little one at home !"
She refused to pay her fare upon the cable cars, and was
allowed to ride upon the front platform. She learned to swear
in dialect, but it was no use.
The rest was too awful !
One day the end came ! Totsy was
desperate. Two months without food
had driven her to virtue. No little girl,
though she be a fiend in human shape,
can long withstand the temptations of
hunger, cold, and misery. A beautiful
shop-lady came to her one day and
painted to little Totsy the seductions
of a life as a cash girl in a department
store, and in despair of ever attaining
the blessed shelter of the workhouse,
Totsy accepted a position at one dollar-
a week at Wandermere's, where, clad
in black cambric and brass side-combs,
and with a pencil stuck in her hair, she may now be found at
the scented soap department, third aisle to the right.
Let us not judge little Totsy too harshly. Though she is
shunned and despised by petty larcenists and criminals, as well
as by the most exclusive crooks in the profession, may it not
be that in spite of the virtuous life with which she is sur-
rounded, there may be still some small spark of vice slumber-
ing in her little rosy soul that may some time wake and make
her interesting, if not famous ?
coo 187 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE UNIT OF PLEASURE : Describing the
Quest
Philosophy made, to Investigate Zest.
THERE was once a scientist, a learned but unwise
old pedant, who had a passion for original investi-
gation. Being, however, a student of these latter
days, he cursed his predecessors for having left him so little
to discover, till one day, looking out upon the world through
his concave lenses, he noticed that there was, after all, one
thing still lacking in the domain of psychology. In his re-
view of the phenomena of emotion, ranging from anguish on
the one hand to beatitude on the other, the fact came home to
him that there was no standard of sensation by which any
given experience might be measured.
Here, then, was the opportunity of his life — to determine
a u Unit of Pleasure " in terms of which all sensation could
be quantitatively described ; not only pleasant emotions, but
pain as well, since pain is but the negative aspect of the same
quality. It would facilitate exact thought, he reflected, to
adopt some such gauge, by means of which, for instance, a
father, questioning his daughter's enjoyment of her first ball,
might kindle with pride to find that his debutante had experi-
enced fully thirty-seven units of pleasure; or the mother,
bending over her ailing son, might hear with relieved anxiety
that his suffering did not exceed— 18-735.
To this task, then, the old scientist bent his efforts, and as
his own passions had long since grown wan and colourless, he
ventured from his laboratory to seek data outside.
Now the first person he met was a small boy, who was
coo 188 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
gazing in at the windows of a confectioner's shop. The old
man, after a somewhat prolix explanation, succeeded in bring-
ing the scheme of his analysis within the sphere of the lad's
comprehension and pressed him for a suggestion for the pro-
posed Unit of Pleasure.
The boy, who had not removed his eyes from the shop-
window, said at
last : —
"It seems to me
that I should adopt
as a unit one spoon-
ful of ice-cream."
" Very good," re-
plied the scientist.
" Suppose we inves-
tigate, then, along
the lines of that
assumption. Now,
according to your
standard, what
would be the ap-
proximate amount
to-day ? "
The boy thought a little longer, and then said, " Well, if I
were sure of having plenty of bites, I think it would be worth
about twenty-seven units of pleasure."
"You are a good child," pleasantly remarked the indulgent
old man, " and so, in return for your valuable assistance, I will
give you your choice of either twenty-eight spoonfuls of ice-
cream, or a half-holiday in which to fish with the beautiful
rod and line in that window."
coo I 89 c^?0
pleasure to you in going fishing
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The boy, consistently with his first estimate, chose the ice-
cream, and the two went into the shop. After the delicacy
had been consumed, and while the boy was licking his plate
and the corners of his mouth, the old man took out his note-
book and remarked :
" Let me be sure of my data, my son, before I leave you.
Let me see : I believe
that, adopting one spoon-
ful of ice-cream as a unit,
the pleasure in going
fishing is equivalent to
twenty-seven units."
" I expect, perhaps,
it 's a good deal more
than that, after all,"
said the boy.
u But you said you
preferred twenty-eight
spoonfuls of ice-cream
to going fishing ! " the
old man cried, raising
his voice.
" But I don't want no more ice-cream ! " said the boy.
" I 've had enough," and, seeing there was little more to be
gained from the interview, he was ofF, whistling through his
teeth.
" I certainly cannot adopt as a unit a pleasure which
diminishes in value through indulgence," said the old man to
the confectioner, who had been an amused spectator of the
experiment, and he went up the street.
The next person he met was a true-lover, full of the fire of
coo 190 coo
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
poetical sentiment and burning with the professional emotions
of his trade. This youth listened as patiently as lovers used
to the vagaries of the ancient, and when the presentment of
the theory was accomplished, he spoke up gallantly, and said :
" The kiss is your true unit of pleasure ! " and he seemed
not to care who might hear ; " a kiss from one's true-love is
the supreme pleasure ! "
" It is not the maximum that I am trying to determine,"
interrupted the scientist with irritation, u yet we may let that
go, as a lover's trope. But tell me — for I know little of
sweethearting — have you by chance ever kissed your mis-
tress as many as twelve times ? "
The stripling burst into laughter at this absurdity, and when
he was calmer he cried : " By chance — marry, no ! But
twelve times twelve kisses have I had this day, nor half
enough not yet, either ! "
" Well, well, well ! " the old man ejaculated. " But tell
me, how did the pleasure in the one hundred and forty-fourth
kiss compare with that of the first ? Was it more, or less ? "
" It was more — far, far more ! " the young man cried —
for, as I said, he was a true-lover — " and the more I kiss my
sweetheart the more I long to kiss again ! "
This sort of constancy, however, was lost on the scientist.
" I fear I must adopt a different unit, since yours is a variable,
increasing when multiplied ! " and he went back to his labora-
tory in disgust at his investigations.
For a while he gave up all hope of establishing a constant
unit of pleasure, till one day a singer, having heard of his
distress, came to him and suggested that the amount of pleas-
ure given by hearing some certain song might well be em-
ployed for the old man's purpose.
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The scientist knew nothing whatever of music, but the
idea caught his fancy, and the two spent an afternoon very
pleasantly together, discussing various ballads, which the
singer rendered in a marvellously agreeable tenor voice. The
scientist, however, was surprised and disappointed to discover
that not even the pleasure in any one song was a constant
quantity ; for, while some
pleased him at first —
only to grow paltry and
commonplace upon repe-
tition — there were others
that sounded incompre-
hensible at the first hear-
ing, but these the tenor
usually insisted upon re-
singing until the old man
discovered in them more
and more beautiful nuances
and harmonies, so subtle
and pleading as to call ever
more clearly to his soul.
Yet, plainly, a form of
pleasure which varied between such wide limits could not be
inserted as a constant in any equation of joy.
And so, since all subsequent trials but afforded cases analo-
gous to those of the boy, the lover and the singer, according
as the physical, the spiritual, or the mental nature of the wit-
ness was dominant, the old scientist gave up the quest, and
published a brochure upon the thesis that all pleasure was a
function of temperament, as modified by appetite, and, calm
In the satisfaction of this discovery, of which the whole world
C00 I O2 C<00
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
had long been conversant, he lived his days until the last great
sensation came to him.
As he lay upon his death-bed, surrounded by the Fellows
of the Philosophical Society, one, sitting by him, said sadly : —
u The Professor's feet are already cold ; he is dying ! "
At these words a heavenly radiance illumined the old man's
face, and he attempted to speak : u I have it, at last ! " he
cried ; " the true unit, the only constant unit of pleasure, is
Death ! " And he passed away, with a smile on his lips.
" His end is a triumph and a justification of his theory,"
said the President of the Philosophical Society, as he composed
the features of the corpse. " Yet, how useless is this discovery
to Science ! If Death is the one constant unalterable sensa-
tion, whether positive or negative, it must be infinitely great —
and mathematics does not permit the use of infinity as a unit ! '
coo 13 cos
G00
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
A FABLE FOR MUSICIANS: Read it,
And if you See the Moral, Heed it !
JOHN COUNTERPOINT was mad. It is no new
thing for a musician to be accounted insane by his
friends (and by other musicians), but the symptoms of
the alienation of John Counterpoint's mind were various and
interesting. The madness of your ordinary musician is not
so, consisting mainly in a rise of inner pride and a fall of
outer scorn.
John had filled every post in the orchestra. He had lungs
for the trombone, nerves for the violin, lips for the flute, and
muscles for the drums, as well as that nice adjustment of the
mind which is absolutely necessary for the rendering of the
subtle triangle. He was, in short, all things to all instru-
ments. His soul was poised, yet rhythmic, and he copied
scores with neatness and accuracy.
It was the surprising technical proficiency that he possessed
which finally unhinged John Counterpoint's mind. Music
came to mean to him mathematics rather than philosophy,
and a discord offended him as the square root of a minus
quantity offends an algebraist. Truly there are surds in
music, as there are affected quadratics in harmony. John's
dream was to square the musical circle ; to reduce the whole
world to its greatest common multiple, as one might say,
speaking mathematico-musically ; to orchestrate the universe.
Musicians agreed with him that the world's voices were
badly correlated and the ensemble was musically poor. They
did not think of the possibility of there being a higher mathe-
matics of music, a musical calculus, a non-Wagnerian har-
coo I 94 coo
—THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
mony, to which they had not yet grown, which might explain
the thunder-storm motif and distinguish its permutation in
the yapping of a dachshund. But musicians, as a rule, have
forsworn thinking; it is theirs to feel.
And so when John Counterpoint would grow white with
terror if two men coughed in non-related keys, his fellows
smiled, and said, " Poor old John, how he must suffer in this
noisy world ! " But they were partly wrong, for John was
no fool, though he was a musician ; he was only mad. His
mind had soared far above the petty distractions that agitate
the third-rate artist. He chafed no more at solo perform-
ances ; it was with him a question of harmony, not melody.
The popular song — pouff^f John's philosophic ear over-
heard all its obvious phrases, all its crude sequences, all its
inevitable intervals ; he idealized it, reset it in some abstruse
key of his mind, and heard it glorified, a type of what might
be. No sound was to him a mere noise, but an element.
Upon his musical palette he could mix the crude colours of
vibration and extort pleasure from the squeak of a rusty hinge.
He was mad. If a barrel organ was not actually out of tune
he could not only endure, but encourage it. He could enjoy
one bagpipe, but not two.
John's idea was first to create a musical nucleus in his own
home, and then expand the circumference of harmony, prose-
lytize and legislate, until the whole country beat in time to
his mad theories. Like many musicians, the centre of his
home was the dining-room. John's house was old, and in
the dining-room floor were seven squeaky planks, over which
the butler carried in, every day, John's dinner.
The old man — for John was now old and rich, very rich
for a musician — always waited in an agony for this moment,
COO 195 coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
dreading to hear the badly composed series of squeaks that the
butler's footsteps would make as he walked. Every day,
after dinner, John got down on his hands and knees and
played upon the planks as if they were the keys of some stu-
pendous organ. In fact, John, recognizing that his floor was
some strange new musical instrument that he must learn to
play, called it a stupend ;
hence " stupendous."
One day the butler
entered as usual, stag-
gering under the burden
of a huge joint, and as
he tottered to the table,
John heard the divine in-
tervals of the Wagnerian
Wotan motif, as if the
Wanderer had entered,
plunging downward with
his spear. The butler,
startled by a cat that had
entered, had looked round,
taking a pair of eighth
and one quarter steps before proceeding.
The servant was instructed and practised, and was never
allowed to enter the room in any other way, John conducting
the motif with a fork. This was the beginning.
From this the harmony spread. John was awakened one
morning by the sound of hammers. Carpenters had begun to
build a shed in the yard, and nails were entering the boards
with cacophonous percussion. In an instant old Counter-
point was outside in his night-shirt, leading the men with his
coo i QO &oo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
conductor's baton. By careful training he succeeded in
arranging their work so that the notes of the nails at each
stroke composed with the vibrations of other nails, and all
day the chorus of harmony floated from the shed, tinkling like
a beautiful shower. Shed after shed was thus built to satisfy
John Counterpoint's craving for new musical harmonies.
All his doors were
next rehung, tuned,
adjusted, so that the
progress from room
to room was regis-
tered by a succes-
sion of augmented
ninths as one after
another slammed.
The servants were
directed to slam the
doors. They would
have slammed them,
anyway.
It was the Count-
erpoint front fence
that was John's greatest trial. Boys passed and repassed, and
never by any chance did one forget to drag a stick across
the pickets. John's madness had so far confined itself to
internal reform. It was time to commence extraterritorial
proceedings.
Day after day he sat upon his veranda, writhing at the
harsh rattle of sticks against his palings. He made, however,
no attempt to reform the boys ; it was the pickets that gave
offence. He hoped, in time, so to adjust the world that, were
coo 197 ctfo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
it peopled entirely with small boys, all sounds would yet be
musical and well composed.
At last John had an inspiration. He would make the
fence a xylophone and arrange the pickets so that when a
small boy's stick was drawn across them it would rattle out a
pleasant melody. This was easily accomplished, and often of a
sunny afternoon John Counterpoint might be seen seated upon
his veranda wait-
ing for the next
performer. His
xylophonic palings
became famous
for leagues about.
They were set for
a little air from
Mozart's " Sere-
nade," so cun-
ningly devised that
even when played
backward the tune was not unpleasant.
But by this time John's madness had become more violent.
He began to have wilder fancies. He could not see a man
with three days' growth of beard upon his cheeks without
being reminded of the prickly cylinder of a music-box, and he
would lose himself in thought, speculating upon what tune
the bristles would produce if the man's head were revolved
across the teeth of a musical comb. He tried to experiment
upon the butler, who objected, and gave notice.
The telegraph wires about the house next aroused John's
interest, and he planned to adjust them so they would act as
./Eolian harps. From this he was diverted by the howling of
GOO I 98 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
his terrier, and he established a kennel of dogs and tried to
train them to bark in minor chords. His roosters were care-
fully selected so as to crow in harmony. He had the middle
tines of his table forks removed, and all his cutlery was
retuned. His mind was by this time easily distracted, and his
ideas jumped continually from B-sharp to C-natural. It was
only a question of days when something would achieve the
final catastrophe and his mind would go to pieces in an
orchestral crash. One cannot continue a crescendo indefi-
nitely.
The end came soon. The climax of John's insanity
arrived. He married.
Mrs. Counterpoint, too, was a musician. It is this in-and-in
breeding that has produced so many cranks. One night Mary
G. Counterpoint awoke with a staccato shriek.
"John," she cried,
weeping, "you snore
in G ! I always
snore in G-sharp.
Our honeymoon has
been a mere dis-
cord ! "
The end had come.
The next morning
John Counterpoint
awoke perfectly
sane. But his wife
was crazy. She had
begun to be affected
by the cacophony of
nature.
coo 199
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE KISSES OF THE PRINCESS PITTIPUMS
The Application Doubtless you '11 Discover.
ONCE upon a time, when the world was well sprinkled
with pretty Princesses, as the story books tell, and
all alike too, according to their accounts, only far
more insipid, being invariably pronounced blondes without
brains — there was a King who had everything he wished
excepting a large family. After wearying the gods with his
supplications for many years, however, his prayers were at
last granted, and after a decent season he was presented by his
Queen with an heir to the throne. This daughter, for it was
unfortunately a girl, was she who afterwards became known as
the beautiful but exceedingly dangerous Princess Pittipums.
c-co 2OO coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
To Wit: that even Fate Herself Succumbs
To Impudence and Ardour in a Lover.
Her lot, as foretold by the Faculty of Royal Soothsayers,
Astrologers, and Magicians convened upon the night of her
birth, was a singularly unfortunate one. According to their
predictions she would never in the whole course of her life
receive more than six kisses; and moreover, as if this were
not bad enough luck, it was prophesied that every alternate
person who kissed her would immediately die upon accomplish-
ing the embrace.
When the King was warned of his daughter's bizarre
career, he remarked to his Master of the Horse, that although
this enforced prudery would no doubt take a load of responsi-
<^>o 2OI ooc
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
bility from his shoulders, yet he was sorry for the Princess,
who was likely to have a rather stupid time of it for a while;
for, though six kisses might be considered a superfluity for a
modern maid in these supercivilized days, it was accounted
but scant measure in the olden time when there were more
good-looking men about and those not afraid of committing
themselves, either.
It was necessary, however, to defend the safety of his Court,
as well as to prevent any of the precious caresses being
wasted ; and the King, therefore, caused a proclamation to be
issued, forbidding any one upon pain of death to kiss the Prin-
cess. Affiches were accordingly placarded upon all the walls
of the Palace announcing the inhibition.
Unfortunately this notice was published too late. Before
the paste was dry on the posters, the Princess Pittipums had
been kissed.
It was the Head Nurse's sister who had ravished the first
sixth of the Princess's little fortune. Having recently lost her
own child, she was waiting in a chamber adjoining the Royal
Nursery when the Head Nurse brought in the new-born babe.
Now, even puppies of one litter are distinguishable one from
the other by spots and colours, but one might lay a dozen
babies in a row and be unable to tell them apart. This infant
coo 2O2 ooo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
was so like the little child who had died a week ago ! It was
so small, so pink ! It, too, weighed just an hundred ounces !
The bereaved mother could not restrain herself as her mater-
nal affection welled up ; she caught the wee bundle of Royalty,
all silk and lace, from her sister's arms, fondled the mite and
pressed the tiny lips of the Princess to her own.
Thus was taken
the First Kiss of
the Princess.
Now, though
indulgent Nature
might forgive her
for that agonized
embrace, the King
was not likely to
pardon what had
been so expressly
prohibited. The
Head Nurse, there-
fore, said nothing
about the occur-
rence, and after a few necessary preliminaries, escorted the
child to her distinguished but impatient sire.
The King, though somewhat surprised at the size, shape,
colour, and general appearance of his offspring, considered the
Queen's effort, upon the whole, creditable ; and he could hardly
resist the desire to take from the little Pittipums her first kiss.
Reflecting, however, upon the need of strict economy in the
disposal of the favours of the princess, he subdued his royal
impulse, and bore the child with pompous pride to his
spouse.
coo 203 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Queen was not doing quite so well as might be expected.
She was, in fact, desperately ill. But the joyful sight of the
infant aroused her, and she made a sign that her daughter
should be held to her, that she might implant a kiss upon the
little lips. For a moment the King again hesitated, but think-
ing that, after all, the child must be kissed some time if she were
=7 ever to collect the few
caresses that were her
meagre birthright, and
that the Queen undoubt-
edly had the best right
to the first, he stooped and
held the child towards
its mother. The Queen
caressed her daughter
with tenderness, and
then, as she had taken the
second and not the first
kiss, immediately expired
in great agony..
The King was im-
mensely angry, not to say
shocked. He caused everybody's head to be cut off for miles
around. As if that would do any good ! With this terrible
vengeance as a warning to the more affectionate members of
his Court, and with two kisses now debited to the Princess's
affection account, Pittipums was brought up with rigorous care
to prevent further losses to her unique dower. There must
be no leakage. A royal Censor was appointed to expurgate
the very word " kiss " from her nursery books and magazines,
and the most horrible punishment was promised any one daring
coo 204 ttt
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
to instruct her in the nature of osculation or amatory embrace
of any kind.
From time to time vague rumours reached the ears of the
Princess as to some peculiar curse that had been laid upon
her, but for a long while she was ignorant of the precise nature
of her misfortune. She felt, at most, nothing keener than a
gentle melancholy or loneliness. Life was, she thought, very
stupid; she hardly knew why. She knew that she was not
like other girls, but she fancied it was because she was a Prin-
cess; though, as I said, there were Princesses enough in those
exciting days.
When Pittipums reached the interesting age of seventeen
years, the King, who now felt the shadow of death falling
upon him, sent for his daughter, and she came obediently to
his presence. As she knelt by his side, he told her plainly the
true story of her life, and the terrible doom that was hers,
But now, as he felt the time was near at hand when he must
be gathered to his fathers, he begged of her, as a dying request,
that she should give him her third kiss, that he might not go
down to the grave without ever having embraced his only
child.
When the Princess realized the full extent of her poverty,
she burst into tears and refused to be comforted. She turned
her head away from her father in great distress of mind, with-
out offering him the salute he had requested. It was evident
that she was the victim of mixed emotions.
" Oh, Sire ! " she cried at last, " bitter is my lot, and hard
my fate, that I may not grant you even the single kiss that is
your paternal due ! Would to God I had known the condi-
tion of my misery ere this ; for now I dare not embrace you
as my filial love prompts me. I must confess, now, that a
&00 2O5 C03
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
twelvemonth ago, during the visit of the young Prince
Ardent to your Court, he discovered me one day alone in the
Green Chamber, where I was reading in an old book. There
was such a queer word there! and this I showed the Prince
that he might make known to me its meaning. It was then
he exemplified the nature of the kiss, and to me it seemed
very pleasing. And I
marvelled that, this being
so, he would not explain
the mystery again, but
he refused. Alas, now
I comprehend, too late,
that the Prince had heard
of the ancient prophecy
and was a craven ! And
so, that being my third
kiss, I may not give you
the fourth lest you die,
and therefore my woe is
great because of my in-
nocent indiscretion ! "
But, as the King's feet were already cold, and he began to
feel the pangs of approaching dissolution, it mattered little to
him whether he died at the lips of the Princess or by reason
of his malady. So he pressed her to his breast, drank the
patricidal kiss and died in her arms out of hand.
Pittipums was now crowned Queen and reigned in her
father's stead, well filling his throne and supporting the glory
of the State. She was admired and beloved by all her sub-
jects, although she was somewhat feared by some of the more
susceptible nobles of the realm, seeing that she was exceeding
&£*> 206 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
fair and charming, and they knew not when the exigencies of
State might require them to be closeted with her alone, in
which case the risk of death would be very great. As the tale
of her fatal kisses spread abroad, fewer and fewer of the sur-
rounding Princes came to sue for her hand ; for though she
reigned in her own right over a large and rich Kingdom, a dot
of only two kisses, and the last
fatal at that, seemed too small a
marriage portion for even the most
amorous of her admirers.
She became, then, gradually
more resigned to her lot, observ-
ing the mean qual-
ity of knighthood
then errant, and,
in order to amuse
herself without
ceremony in the
intervals between
the cares of her
position, she took
to wandering abroad in the streets of her capital, incognito,
disguised as a Sister of Charity. It was during one of these
excursions that she met one morning in a little by-street a
child who had fallen and was crying alone by the corner of
the wall. The Queen approached the boy, and, taking him
in her arms, comforted his misery and dried his tears.
When he had ceased sobbing, the child, grateful for this
strange beautiful lady's sympathy, put his small arms about her
neck, and, before she could hinder him, pressed a kiss upon
her lips.
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Thus was taken the Fifth Kiss of Queen Pittipums.
The Queen had now but one kiss left, and it seemed likely
that it might be hard to collect this remaining portion of her
fortune. She resolved to put it to the test, nevertheless, and
considering that, in a way, she had been cheated out of the
most of her rightful delights, she was determined that this kiss,
at least, should be neither
thrown away, stolen, nor
sacrificed to the obliga-
tion of duty. She would
gain a kiss worth hav-
ing. So she let it be
proclaimed by heralds
that, on a certain day,
she would assemble the
suitors for her hand and
select her consort, and
that considerations neithei
of birth, breeding, culture,
wealth, health, beauty,
or wisdom should hinder
her from marrying the husband of her choice.
At the appointed time there gathered in the great hall of the
Palace an immense crowd, men of all cut, costume, and condi-
tion. There were princes and dukes, knights of royal Orders
and gentlemen of all degree, merchants from over seas, tinkers,
tailors, and ambitious tradesmen with their apprentices appar-
elled in their poor best, meagre-minded serving-men, and a half
an hundred scullions, swineherds, and what-not, who had never
even seen the inside of a castle before.
Before this motley retinue the Queen appeared in her royal
000 2O8 C473
— THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
robes and full regalia, wearing a bridal wreath with orange
blossoms in her hair, and, standing upon the dais she said : —
" My lords and gentlemen all, 1 bid you welcome ! I am,
as you see, clad for my wedding, and so soon as the groom
shall have been chosen, the ceremony shall immediately be
performed. As I am anxious to lose no time withal, I shall
announce forthwith the conditions which my future husband
and sharer of my throne must fulfil. You are doubtless
all already aware of my luckless lot, but I will repeat that,
at my birth, it was predicted that I should never in my life
receive but six kisses, and that every alternate person who
kissed me would immediately perish. Already my royal
mother, the giver of the second, and the late King, my father,
who took the fourth kiss, have expired to pay the forfeit
demanded by Fate and attest the truth of the prophecy. Last
month a little child of the city robbed me innocently of my
fifth caress, and only one, therefore, remains. Whoever kisses
next must surely die ! Yet, as I would not marry one
who does not truly love me, and as any one who is really in
love would willingly give his life for even one kiss from his
mistress, I now declare that I will espouse him amongst
you, and him only, who dares prove his devotion by claiming
the sixth kiss, willingly and joyfully giving up his life for the
rapture of embracing his Queen. If there be such a man,
and such a lover amongst you, let him now stand forth and
claim this sweet and deadly favour ! "
There was a murmur from the crowd of suitors, and, after
some suppressed discussion, a general movement towards the
door. There were other ladies, it seemed, who, though they
offered a less distinguished fortune to their accepted husbands,
yet allowed more leisure in which might be dissipated the
(*»i4<*M> coo 2OQ oco
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
treasures that they could give. So thinking, the gathering dis-
persed, leaving a single wooer alone in the hall with the
Queen.
This was a youth of low birth and meanly clad, a swine-
herd in sooth, but with a debonair bearing withal, that testified
to his assurance. On his lip was a slip of a mustache which
he curled vainly; on his lip too, was a smile such as many a
man has had his face slapped for, though indeed, it well
became his boldness. He closed the door with a mocking
formality upon the heels of the last departing recreant ; then
he smiled impertinently, advanced with a cavalier swagger,
his elbows thrust out, and, stooping, saluted the Queen's
hand ; for, in those days it was well understood as a rule of
the game that such courtesies did not count as kisses.
u Your Majesty, let the nupitals be announced ! " he said,
with impudent nonchalance.
" I beg your pardon ? " said Pittipums.
u Let the nu-pi-tals be announced ! " he repeated. " Don't
you know what that means ? "
" Oh — I see — nuptials," the Queen said, with a royal
smile. And she made a sign, calling a page.
As soon as the stripling had been bathed, perfumed, robed
as befitting his new rank, invested with the Order of Knight-
hood, and raised to the Higher Peerage, a fanfare of trumpets
assembled the whole Court in the Chapel, where the marriage
ceremony was performed with the full assent of Law and
Clergy. Every one marvelled at the sublime ardour and cour-
age of this swineherd, now a Royal Prince Consort. Each
observer wondered of his neighbor what kind of bargain
behind the closed doors the bridegroom had made with the
Queen. Here, however, they did him an injustice, for he was
coo 2IO c^tt
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
as bold as a whip, though the heart of Pittipums had begun to
misgive her.
So at last, when the two were alone she said to him,
" My Lord, though I made the sixth kiss a condition of our
marriage in all good faith, and to test your love and devo-
tion, now that I have proved you, and found you a lover none
too languid for my desire, my heart relents, and I would not
hold you to the ordeal. If you kiss me, you die ; if you die,
you cannot kiss me ; therefore I am like to live kissless what-
ever happens. I must have a live husband who may not kiss,
or a dead one who cannot. What say you, then, Prince,
shall we live coldly, or die with fervour ? "
Then said he that had been a swineherd to her, with
his hand on the hilt of a brand-new sword he was a whit
proud of, u Madam, when I bargained for your hand, it was
with no thought of paying less than your price ; and as for my
love, it is not yet proven. I would be a laggard lover if I
dared not or cared not die for a kiss from your lips. So the
kiss I must have, since it was for that I married you. Now
though you know but little of such things, having had but
five kisses in all, and these but cool and overchaste, you are
no worse for that ; and what a kiss should be that will I teach
you, who am myself better qualified by experience. So now
I choose to kiss you, as any true lover would, not to speak of
a husband with which title you have honoured me. But I
pray you do not interrupt me with your tears, nor push me
away, as young girls sometimes do, at their first donation."
So saying, and his black eyes said far more at the same
time, the youth took her in the fold of his arms, and kissed
her long and passionately, so that it seemed to her that she
was being drawn up into Heaven on the wings of doves, sur-
000 21 I coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
rounded by a thousand bright angels floating with her through
the upper reaches of the sky. But though for a while she
forgot her fears in the excess of love's ecstasy, at last she
remembered that this must be the last time she could enjoy
such delirious rapture on the lips of her lover and, breaking
into sobs, she threw herself from his arms.
For a long time she
dared not peep through
her fingers, fearing to see
the Prince lying dead
before her, but when she
at last gazed at him, he
was standing at her side,
grinning audaciously and
adjusting his lace collar
which had become slightly
disarranged during the
operation.
" Oh, my Lord," cried
the Queen, " what great
joy is this, and by what
miracle does it come to
pass that you are not dead at my feet as the soothsayers prophe-
sied ? Behold, you have taken the Sixth Kiss and you still live ! "
Then her husband tossed half a smile at her as he took her
hand, and said, " Pardon me, my Queen, but because of your
weeping I was interrupted prematurely, and the kiss is not yet
finished. Now you are more calm, I shall continue, and I
beseech you to be more careful!"
But, for one reason or another, it so happened that the Sixth
Kiss of Queen Pittipums was never satisfactorily completed,
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THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE POET AND THE PRINCESS: How the
Rest did
Not Find Impossibilities he Quested.
ONCE upon a time, I have her word for it, there lived
a Princess, in the northeastern corner of a News-
paper Office, in a little room, all her own. She
was the Literary Editor, and her desk was always four stories
high with books with uncut pages ; the window ledge was
tipsy with weekly papers,
while all the floor round
about her little twirling
throne was strewn with
reviews and magazines
like the chips beside a
woodpile.
She was the pride and
the pet and the brag and
the boast of the Sunday
Editor, and because she
could furnish ideas and
comments and jokes and
paragraphs for the edi-
torial page, she could do
what she would with the
Great White Chief, and she held his Managerial conscience
in her left hand.
She was well known to have once praised a book, and to
have read at least two, but she usually spent most of her time
upon the Tables of Contents. She had never had time to
coo 21 3 coo
r
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
contribute to the magazines, but she thought she could, if
she wished.
She wrote on very wonderful violet note paper with red ink
stamped with her royal crest, and her " copy " always went in
just as she wrote it, which proves that she was indeed a
Princess, as I said.
Many authors courted her
praise, and rising young writers
promised her fabulous rewards
for even a single mention of
their names in the columns of
the u Evening Sunset," but she
was inaccessible. She scorched
them with blithering critiques,
signing her name in full, Hen-
rietta Northampton Byxbee, as
becomes a literary woman of
the last quarter of the nine-
teenth century. Nobody dared
start in to read a book till H.
N. B. said "Go!" and the
publishers' advertisements fell
off seventy-five per cent.
At this blow to the business
office, the Managing Editor came to her with tears in his
eyes and told her she must marry him or review a book
favourably.
Annoyed at his persistence and the ever-increasing number
of Manuscript makers, the Princess declared that she would
give a free complimentary notice to the author who should
procure for her the three following things :
c/?o 214 000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
1. A bottle of ink that would write black and stay black.
2. A pen that would write without scratching and never
wear out.
3. A blotter that would absorb ink without smooching.
Had she asked for a philosopher's stone or a perpetual motion
machine, she feared her privacy
and repose would have been en-
dangered ; but as it was, for a
whole year she was let alone,
and was free from the importuni-
ties of the scribblers. At the end
of that time boxes began to be
brought in by the office boy and
before long her desk, window
ledge, chairs, tables, bookcases,
and seven eighths of the floor
space were all covered with pack-
ages of pens, inks, and blotting
pads, and her whole time was
spent in opening cases.
None of the materials filled
the conditions, of course, as the
articles called for were impossible to manufacture.
But, at last, after many months, a young poet came, like
Lochinvar, out of the West, with the manuscript of a little
book in his suitcase, and he went up and down amongst the
publishers of the town, searching for some one to accept his
poems. Everywhere he was received with contumely and
thrown down with frightful violence, till at last, one, kinder
than the rest, said : —
cc If you can succeed in getting the Princess Byxbee to
c-crc 21 5 <*?o
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
mention your name in her paper, I will gladly publish your
book — but that, of course, is impossible ! "
The next day Lochinvar spent in bed while his trousers were
being mended, and as he lay there he pondered the problem.
Then he went to a stationer's and bought, on credit, a
box of cheap steel pens, a five-cent bottle of ink, and had,
thrown in, an advertising blotter
of the Something Insurance Com-
pany of Somewhere. Assets
$ 1,000,000,000,000,000.00.
So he went up to the Office of
the " Evening Sunset."
At the door he was met by a
supercilious office boy, who de-
manded his name, age, residence,
complexion, profession, size of col-
lar, and many other things, which
he wrote on a card. While he
was engaged with these statistics,
Lochinvar brushed the imp aside,
and strode through the local rooms,
past the wondering reporters, the
City, Sporting, Humorous, Tele-
graph, and Night editors, aghast at their desks, and entered
the room of the Princess, as one on horseback.
Her Royal Highness looked up with a smile ; not for years
had she met one so bold and so adequate. " Where are your
credentials ? " said this pink Princess, and " Here they are ! "
said Lochinvar.
He opened the phial of writing fluid with a deal of manner.
He fitted a nib to her ivory penholder theatrically, and very
coo 2l6 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
carefully and tenderly he laid the blotter beside her violet
copy paper stamped with the Royal crest.
" Write what I tell you ! " he exploded, striking an
attitude.
The obedient Princess, absorbed in the poem he dictated,
which was, in reality, a proposal of marriage couched in the
metres of the most delicious nonsense verse ever conceived, did
ca
not notice that the ink was a pale dirty blue which hardly showed
on the surface of her very purple copy paper. And, glancing
up, she received full in the eyes a wonderful smile that blinded
her to the fearful and hideous spluttering of the cheap steel
pen of commerce, and when the four magic lines were written
she was so captivated with the precocity of their humour, and
so intent in wondering if the poet were going to kiss her or
not, that she entirely forgot to use the blotter till the ink was
quite dry.
coo 217 coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
No one had ever made love to her before, without being
terribly in earnest about it. This was different. But she did
not have long to wonder about the kiss.
The next day Lochinvar' s name was mentioned six times in
the " Literary Chat " and eighteen times in the little paragraphs
on the editorial page of the "Sunset," so that every Jack
reporter, believing that the end of the world had come, the
eye of authority being closed, went off and became intoxicated
at the miracle.
Fourteen several publishers telegraphed Lochinvar for the
American rights to the book, and when it appeared, it was
reviewed flatteringly every day for two weeks in the literary
pages of the " Sunset " by Mrs. Leander Lochinvar, ex-
princess. The End.
000 21 8 c-oo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
ABSTEMIA : In Mystic Argot,
Often Confounded with Farrago.
IF aught that stumbles in my speech
Or stutters in my pen,
Or, claiming tribute, each to each,
Rise, not to fall again,
Let something lowlier far, for me,
Through evanescent shades —
Than which my spirit might not be
Nourished in fitful ecstasy
Not less to know but more to see
Where that great Bliss pervades
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE MUSEUM OF KISSES: Surely
No One could Visit it Demurely.
THIS is the place I M like to burglarize ;
It is the Royal Museum of Kisses.
It has an Annual Show, and gives a Prize
To all the most deserving men and misses.
And ranged in various rows about the wall
Are kisses, all deserving great attention ;
But in one room, the sweetest, best of all,
Are those of one whose name I dare not mention !
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
ABSTROSOPHY: by which is Meant
A Theme of Nonsendental Bent.
IF echoes from the fitful past
Could rise to mental view,
Would all their fancied radiance last
Or would some odours from the blast,
Untouched by Time, accrue ?
Is present pain a future bliss,
Or is it something worse ?
For instance, take a case like this :
Is fancied kick a real kiss,
Or rather the reverse ?
Is plentitude of passion palled
By poverty of scorn ?
Does Fiction mend where Fact has mauled ?
Has Death its wisest victims called
When idiots are born ?
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
ROPE'S STULTITUDE:
A Cheerful Lay ;
At Least, / Like it, Anyway !
THE dismal day with
dreary pace hath
dragged its tortuous
length along the grave-
stones black and funeral
vase cast horrid shadows
long.
Oh let me die and never
mourn upon the joys of
long ago with cankering
thoughts the world 's forlorn
— a wilderness of woe !
For in the grave's dark bed
to be though grim and dis-
mal it appears is sadder not
it seems to me than har-
rowing nights of tears !
coo 222
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
PSYCHOLOPHON: Supposed to Be
Translated from the Old Parsee.
TWINE then the rays
Round her soft Theban
tissues !
All will be as She says,
When that dead Past reissues.
Matters not what nor where,
Hark, to the moon's dim cluster !
How was her heavy hair
Lithe as a feather duster !
Matters not when nor whence ;
Flittertigibbet !
Sounds make the song, not sense,
Thus I inhibit !
coo 223 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
THE KNAVE OF HEARTS: If Euchred, List
To my Advice, t' would Help you. Whist !
THIS is the Knave of Hearts, beware !
Oh, trusting maidens, have a care !
There 's not a Trick he will not do
To capture such a one as you !
Full many a Queen he 's
made to blush,
For he enjoys a Royal
Flush.
But he will Bluff, and
he '11 revoke her.
He is a most capricious
Joker.
For Jack is nimble, Jack
is cute —
Be careful how you Fol-
low Suit !
Trump though he is,
please understand,
You must not let him
Hold your Hand.
Oh, trust him not, until
the hour
You 're certain he is
your Right Bower!
Then do not Cut him — let him Lead ;
He '11 give you a good Deal, indeed !
224
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
THE PURPIL COWE: Perilla Says she Wrote it.
The Last Four lines are Mine, and So I Quote it0
AMAYDE there was, femely and meke enow,
She fate a-milken of a purpil Cowe :
Rofy hire Cheke as in the Month of Maye,
And fikerly her merry Songe was gay
As of the Larke vprift, wafhen in Dewe ;
Like Shene of Sterres, fperkled hire Eyen two.
Now came ther by that Way a hendy Knight
The Mayde efpien in morwening Light.
A faire Person he was — of Corage trewe
With lufty Berd and Chekes of rody Hewe :
Dere Ladye (quod he) far and wide I Ve ftraied
Vncouthe Aventure in ftraunge Contrie made
Fro Berwicke unto Ware. Parde I vowe
Erewhiles I never faw a purpil Cowe !
Fayn wold I knowe how Catel thus can be?
Tel me I pray you, of yore Courtefie !
The Mayde hire Milken ftent — Goode Sir she faide,
The Master's Mandement on vs ylaid
Decrees that in thefe yclept gilden Houres
Hys Kyne shall etc of nought but Vylet Floures !
> coo 225 coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
AN ALPHABET OF FAMOUS GOOPS.
Which you '11 Regard with Yells and Whoops.
Futile Acumen !
For you Yourselves are Doubtless Dupes
Of Failings Such as Mar these Groups —
We all are Human!
ABEDNEGO was Meek and Mild ; he Softly Spoke,
he Sweetly Smiled.
He never Called his Playmates Names, and he
was Good in Running Games ;
But he was Often in Disgrace because be had a Dirty
Face !
COO 226 <U90
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
BOHUNKUS would Take Off" his Kat, and Bow and Smile, and
Things like That.
His Face and Hair were Always Neat, and when he Played he
did not Cheat ;
But Oh f what Awful Words he Said, when it was Time to Go
to Bed!
The Gentle CEPHAS tried his Best to Please his Friends with
Merry Jest ;
He tried to Help Them, when he Could, for CEPHAS, he was
Very Good ;
And Yet — They Say he Used to Cry, and Once or Twice he Told
a Lie !
G00 227 000
-THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
DANIEL and DAGO were a Pair who Acted Kindly Every-
where ;
They studied Hard, as Good as Gold, they Always did as
They were Told ;
They Never Put on Silly Airs, but They Took Things that were
Not Theirs.
EZEKIEL, so his Parents said, just Simply Loved to Go to
Bed;
He was as Quiet as could Be whenever there were Folks to
Tea;
And yet, he had a Little Way of Grumbling, when he should
Obey.
vor. 228 c-00
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
When FESTUS was but Four Years Old his Parents Seldom
had to Scold ;
They never Called him " FESTUS DON'T ! " he Never Whined
and said « / Won't ! "
Yet it was Sad to See him Dine. His Table Manners were Not
Fine.
GAMALIEL took Peculiar Pride in Making Others Satisfied.
One Time I asked him for his Head. " Why, Certainly ! "
GAMALIEL Said.
He was Too Generous, in Fact. But Bravery he Wholly
Lacked.
GOO 229 000
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
HAZAEL was (at Least he Said he Was) Exceedingly Well
Bred;
Forbidden Sweets he would not Touch, though he might Want
them very Much.
But Ob, Imagination Fails to quite Describe his Finger Nails!
How Interesting ISAAC Seemed ! He never Fibbed, he Sel-
dom Screamed ;
His Company was Quite a Treat to all the Children on the
Street ;
But Nurse has Told me of his Wrath when he was Made to Take
a Bath !
ctfo 230 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK
Oh, Think of JONAH when you 're Bad ; Think what a
Happy Way he had
Of Saying « Thank You ! " — "If you Please " — « Excuse
Me, Sir," and Words like These.
Still, he was Human, like Us AIL His Muddy Footprints
Tracked the Hall.
Just fancy KADESH for a Name ! Yet he was Clever All the
Same ;
He knew Arithmetic, at Four, as Well as Boys of Nine or
More !
But I Prefer far Duller Boys, who do Not Make such Awful
Noise !
tar* 231 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Oh, Laugh at LABAN, if you Will, but he was Brave when he
was 111.
When he was 111, he was so Brave he Swallowed All his
Mother Gave !
But Somehow, She could never Tell why he was Worse when he
was Well!
If MICAH'S Mother Told him "No " he Made but Little of
his Woe;
He Always Answered, " Yes, Pll Try!" for MICAH Thought
it Wrong to Cry.
Yet he was Always Asking Questions and Making quite Ill-timed
Suggestions.
090 232 coo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
I Fancy NICODEMUS Knew as Much as I, or even You ;
He was Too Careful, I am Sure, to Scratch or Soil the
Furniture ;
He never Squirmed, he never Squalled ; he Never Came when
he was Called !
Some think that OBADIAH'S Charm was that he Never Tried
to Harm
Dumb Animals in any Way, though Some are Cruel when
they Play.
But though he was so Sweet and Kind, his Mother found him
Slow to Mind.
ooo 233 coo
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
When PELEG had a Penny Earned, to Share it with his Friends
he Yearned.
And if he Bought a Juicy Fig, his Sister's Half was Very Big!
Had he not Hated to Forgive^ he would have been Too Good to
Live !
When QUARTO'S brother QUARTO Hit, was QUARTO Angry ?
Not a Bit !
He Called the Blow a Little Joke, and so Affectionately Spoke,
That Everybody Loved the Lad. Yet Oh, What Selfish Ways
he Had!
v& 234 ooo
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Was REUBEN Happy ? I should Say ! He laughed and Sang
the Livelong Day.
He Made his Mother Smile with Joy to See her Sunny-
Tempered Boy.
However, she was Not so Gay when REUB Refused to Stop his
Play!
When SHADRACH Cared to be Polite, they Called him Gentle-
manly, Quite ;
His Manners were Correct and Nice; he Never Asked for
Jelly Twice !
Still, when he Tried to Misbehave, O, how Much Trouble SHAD-
RACH Gave !
•THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
Don't Think that TIMOTHY was 111 because he Sometimes
Kept so Still.
He knew his Mother Did Not Care to Hear him Talking
Everywhere.
He did not Tease, he did Not Cry, but he was Always Asking
"WHY?"
URIAH Never Licked his Knife, nor Sucked his Fingers, in
his Life.
He Never Reached, to Help Himself, the Sugar Bowl upon
the Shelf.
He Never Popped his Cherry Pits ; but he had Horrid Sulky
Fits!
^236^
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
To See young Vivius at his Work, you Knew he 'd Never
Try to Shirk.
The Most Unpleasant Things he 'd Do, if but his Mother
Asked him To.
But when young Vivius Grew Big, it Seems be was a Norful
Prig!
Why WABAN always Seemed so Sweet, was that he Kept so
Clean and Neat.
He never Smooched his Face with Coal, his Picture Books
were Fresh and Whole.
He washed His Hands Ten Times a Day; but, Oh, what
Horrid Words he 'd Say !
G0Q 237 C09
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
What shall 1 say of XENOGOR, Save that he Always Shut the
Door!
He always Put his Toys Away when he had Finished with his
Play.
But here his List of Virtues Ends. A Tattle- Tale does not Make
Friends.
YERO was Noted for the Way with which he Helped his
Comrades Play ;
He 'd Lend his Cart, he 'd Lend his Ball, his Marbles, and
his Tops and All !
And Yet (I Doubt if you II Believe)^ be Wiped bis Nose upon his
Sleeve !
ceo 238 c<73
THE BURGESS NONSENSE BOOK-
The Zealous ZIBEON was Such as Casual Callers Flatter
Much.
His Maiden Aunts would Say, with Glee, u How Good, how
Pure, how Dear is He ! "
And Yet, he Drove his Mother Crazy — he was so Slow, he was
so Lazy !
FINIS
SO ENDS THE TOME: ARE YOU, MY FRIEND,
AS GLAD AS I TO SEE THE END ?
HAVE YOU DONNED MOTLEY FOR THE MONEY
AND FEARED YOUR JESTS WERE NONE TOO FUNNY:
SO ENDS THE TOME: SO ENDS MY FOLLY;
'TIS DISMAL WORK, THIS BEING JOLLY.
NO MORE I'LL PLAY THE HARLEQUIN
UNLESS MORE ROYALTIES COME IN.
coo 239 <x?o
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