Christmas comes but once a year : showing what Mr. Brown did, thought, and intended to do, during that festive season

CHILDREN'S BOOK
COLLECTION

*

LIBRARY OF THE
» UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES

£c Jtybrh

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA
LOS ANGELES

Collection of
ChiWrcn's J5ooks

JOHN BROWN ESQ

AS HE APPEARTD EVERY

SHOWING WHAT

MR, BROWN DID, THOUGHT, AND INTENDED TO DO,

DURING THAT FESTIVE SEASON.

NOW FIRST EDITED FROM THE ORIGINAL MSS. ( MESS ) .

OJlitf) liotrs antr Illustrations
BY LUKE LIMNER, ESQ.

LONDON:
WILLIAM TEGG AND CO., 85, QUEEN STREET, CHEAPSIDE.

M.DCCC.L.

Sobers,

JOHN BROWN, ESQ. — Citizen of London and Suburban Snob.

JOHN BROWN, JUN., ESQ. — "Fast Gent;" Son and Heir to ttie above "Brick /" — I believe you,

my boys, rattier !
MASTER THOMAS BROWN. — Apple of Ids Mother's eye — " her Tommy-wommy" — " lier dear

boy" — " her jewel of a pet"
CAPTAIN BONAVENTURE DE CAMP.— Officer, late of the Hon. E. I. Co's. Service, but now at

the service of any one.
LATIMER DE CAMP. — Master of (He) Arts; Elder Son of the above, of Nobodynose College,

Oxford.

WELLESLEY DE CAMP.— Cadet of Sandboys Military College.

SOAVO SPOHP. — Composer; Organist at St. Stiff's the Martyr; Mr. Brown's ex-friend.
JOHN (BROWN). — Footman to John Brown, Esq. ; late Private in the Hthfoot.
TOBIAS STRAP. — Grocer in Greens, Landlord to Mr. Spohf, and Supernumerary help to any body.
ICHABOD STRAP. — (Son of his sire) commonly called " Alphonso* but sometimes "Buttons."
MRS. BENIGMA BROWN. — Rib of John Brown, Esq. — Ruler of his roast and boiled.
Miss JEMIMA BROWN. -» Eligible Young Ladies — very so— to any one inclined to a matter-
Miss ANGELINA BROWN. J o'-money-all alliance.

LADY LUCRETIA DE CAMP. — Spouse of "the Captain ;" Lady in her own right (and wrong).
DEBORAH STRAP. — (Consort of T. S. above) Pue-packer at St. Stiffs the Martyr.
Guests, Cooks, Maids, Lanthorn-bearers, extra Flunkeys, Police, $c., Sfc., $c., $c.
SCENE. — Victoria and Albert Villas, Mizzlington, near London.
TIME. — Christmas.

ILfet of

PAGE

JOHN BROWN, ESQ., AS HE APPEARED EVERY EVENING Frontispiece.

THE CAROL — " TIDINGS OP COMFORT AND JOY ! " 1

THE WAITS SERENADING VICTORIA AND ALBERT VILLAS 5

CHRISTMAS EVE— THE MARKET — BROWN BUYING HOLLY 13

CHRISTMAS DINNERS— GOOD LIVING, AT LEAST, ONCE A YEAR ]8

THE PUDDING, AS IT OUGHT TO HAVE APPEARED 23

BRINGING IN THE YULE-LOG 25

BOXING-DAY — THE BEADLE OFFENDED 28

THE PANTOMIME — " HERE WE ARE AGAIN ! " 34

THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON (A COLD) 40

THE QUADRILLE— CAVALIER SEUL 57

THE STAIR-CASE — CAPTAIN DE CAMP AND THE WALL- FLOWER 63

FORFEITS — THE DOUBLE TOILET 80

THE CHRISTMAS TREE— PRESENTATION OF FRUIT 83

MUMMERY — TRICK OF THE OLD DAME 84

KITCHEN CONVERSATION 92

THE SMROL,

TIDINGS Or COMFORT & JOY.

ERY cold, very bleak ; the thermometer and snow
are falling fast; eggs and suet are rising faster;
everything at this season is " prized/' and every
body apprizes everybody else of the good they
wish them, — "A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY NEW YEAR ! " Even the shivering caroller, for " it is
a poor heart that never rejoices," is yelling forth the " tidings of
comfort and joy." The snow that descends, making park and
common alike — topping palace and pigsty, now crowns the semi
detached villas, Victoria and Albert. They were erected from the

2 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

designs of John Brown, Esq. and his architect (or builder), and
are considered a fine specimen of compo-cockney-gothic, in which

-.$, - -

the constructor has made the most of his materials ; for, to save
digging, he sank the foundation in an evacuated pond, and, as an
antidote to damp, used wood with the dry-rot — the little remaining
moisture being pumped out daily by the domestics. The floors are

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 3

delightfully springy, having cracks to precipitate the dirt, and are
sloped towards the doorways, so that the furniture is perpetually
trying to walk out of the rooms ; but those apertures are ingeniously
planned to prevent the evil — the doors obstinately refusing to open at
all, without force. That the whole may not appear too light, few
windows are introduced. By casual observers the Victoria and Albert
would be taken for one — so united are they ; and had we not seen
the parting division, we should have doubted also. Of the entrance
lodges, we have noticed one of the chimneys smoking periodically ;
and, from the mollient white vapour issuing over the window at
such times, presume Victoria is washing, whilst Albert is locked
up and doing nothing.

Their lord and master is John Brown, Esq., Director of the Dept-
ford Direct, the Stag Assurance, and Churchwarden of this parish —
St. Stiff the Martyr, — a portly upright man ; for had he not been so
erect, to balance a " fair round belly," he would have toppled on his
nose. Everybody said that he was clever, too — and, moreover, always
thought so ; for luck had made our friend a rising man amongst the
suburban aristocracy of Mizzling ton. Of Mrs. Brown, she is his
match, and portly too ; though older and more crusty — a crummy
dame, to whom her lord must bow ; for, upon his hinting at duty,
and an obedient wife's commanding her husband, she ordered him
off, reading the adage as a woman ought. Of the Misses Brown,
Jemima and Angelina, they are decidedly getting old — for young

4t CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

ladies, having been "out" for some time; and, like the back num
bers of an old periodical, are not the more interesting or marketable
for it. Of the sons, the elder, John Brown, jun., is spoiling himself

by patronising all that is " fast ; " whilst the younger is being edu
cated for a faster age, being spoilt first by his mother.

Having characterised the Brown family, we will now introduce
you to the first scene of this domestic drama. Victoria Villa — a
dormitory — midnight; in the back ground may be seen and heard

OFTLY O'ER THE , SENSES SttAL

CHRISTMAS -COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 5

a lady in a rich mellow snore, whilst distant music — the Christmas
Waits, is " softly o'er the senses stealing," and loud in the promise
of " a good time coming," provided you will " wait a little longer."
Mr. Brown is seated at the dressing-table, making up his Diary, or
rather trying to cram the events of twenty-four hours into the leaf
of a pocket-book, five and a half inches by three and a quarter — his
usual custom before rest: —

"DECEMBER 21st, Friday. — Advertised in this day's 'Times,' to
let Albert, furnished, from the 25th, with use of servants, if re
quired (double-house and household at half-price — grand effect united
with economy). Tommy came home from Dr. Tor tern's, with holi
day-letter, bill, and wonderful crop of hair — considering it costs
me five shillings per quarter to cut ; brimstone and treacle, under
head — medicine, charged ten and six ; firing and broken windows,
two pounds; &c.: — what most unlucky things turn up on a Friday!
I much wish I had not advertised Albert to-day — no one will come."
With these observations, and a consolatory grumble about Christmas
coming but once a year, Mr. Brown seeks repose beside his consort ;
whilst the Waits make the lowing wind, the frigid vegetation, and
the rattling shutters, dance again to the " Bridal Polka."

Sweet sleep — and morning dawns. — The Browns depart, as is their
daily custom, by the omnibus — the elder to chat inside, the younger
to smoke out; — and both to business in the city. Whilst, at home,
Master Tommy displays the " advancement made in his studies" — as

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

the holiday-letter states, — by practising writing in the " Book of
Beauty;" his knowledge of natural history, by attempting to rear
gold-fish (like eels) in sand; searching for the tick in an eight-day

clock ; setting bits of raw beef
in the back garden, that the
portion (like potatoes) might
grow to young bullocks; fill
ing the bellows' snout with
gunpowder, that they may
blow the fire up ; putting
the cat in walnut-shells upon
the icy pond, and himself in
the middle of it ; playing
racket in the drawing-room ;
and constructing a snow man
against the back-door to fall
in upon Sarah, almost frightening her to death; and many other
experimental, philosophical tricks, too numerous to mention.

During this day the semi-detached is besieged by a lady and gen
tleman in search of a home. The gentleman, dressed in a very tight
frock-coat, dusty and worn ; a highly-glazed cap, the strap of which
dangled above a tuft of hair, that graced his chin, its peak resting
upon the tip of his nose, affording him little more than a view of
his boots, with a portion of the hose protruding therefrom ; his

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

tightly -strapped trowsers carrying a broad stripe, of which he appear
ed proud, being engaged in the manufacture of many more in other
parts, by knocking the dust out of them with a slight cane ; of his
gloves, they seemed
determined to end
their days in their
normal state, and
to produce neither
inits nor finger
stalls. The couple
looking very limp
and tumbled ; — a
thing duly apolo
gised for, and not
to be wondered at
— having just ar
rived from abroad.
Mrs. Brown being

much taken with the gentleman — for he curried favour by stroking
only the way of the grain. So, with Lady Lucretia, Captain de
Camp, of the Hon. East India Company's Service, from Madras —
awaiting his luggage, — is at home in the Albert, having given him
self a character that satisfied Mrs. Brown ; for, he omitted the ob
jectionable parts (fearing they might distress that good lady), like

8 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT OXCE A YEAR.

the woman with a large family, who, finding it impossible to get
lodgings, sent her children among the graves ; that, when asked, she
might say, with a sigh, " Alas ! they are all in the churchyard."

That evening Mrs. Brown's rich mellow snore commenced later
than usual — for she had been loud and long in the praise of their
new neighbours. Mr. Brown making entry against DECEMBER 22nd,
Saturday. — That Albert was let : — whilst, the Waits were playing the
" Phantom Dancers," and Captain de Camp busy, there, screwing
his empty trunk to the floor, that it might appear heavy, and full
of valuables ; and whilst, between the villas in the rear, there might
be seen a glimmering candle, and by that light be found — one not
unknown to Brown — a poor little musician, in a little second-floor
room, containing a little organ much too large for it, and a litter
of dirty soft papers, — who is not a little perplexed at a note,
from Mrs. Brown, dispensing with his services: — he, the poor little
music-master, more amiable than handsome, less symmetrical than
serviceable ; — who had, in less favoured times, contracted friend
ship, and to teach the Misses Brown music at thirty shillings
per quarter — who had gotten so familiar as to love — had dared
to offer that person Nature had deformed, with that mind Nature
had adorned, to Miss Jemima Brown. There was a time when
his anecdotes had been prized, and his long, delicate, white fingers
kept playing to perpetual dancers ; and that fine voice, Nature
had bestowed in lieu of symmetry, sang the merriest and most

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 9

sentimental songs for love : — the retrospect is too much for poor
Spohf — so he seeks refuge in his organ, much to the annoyance of
a little tailor in the attic, who has no soul in him — save the sole
he had for supper.

Sunday. — The perpetual bell of 'St. Stiff the Martyr is calling
to service, as it is wont to do at all times and hours — for
mysterious purposes but little known : — it seems as if the bell
disliked its little wooden cottage, on the unfinished spire ; or was
inspired, or in a towering passion to live in a tower, or saw no
fun in waiting for funds ; and so, continually pealed an appeal

10 CHRISTMAS COMES BCT ONCE A YEAR.

to the public : — however, it was a puny, little, curious bell, with
a tongue of its own, now clacking for a charity sermon ; and,
curiously, Mr. Brown thinks a charity sermon always edifies him
with the headache, and is doubtful about going, as they make him
a reluctant giver — for mere vain show ; but he, curiously, wonders
where the De Camps go ; and, curiously, Victoria and Albert
meet at the gate ; and, curiously, the family pue, at St. Stiff's,
seems capable of accommodating them.

Mr. Spohf, the little organist, being perched up aloft, sees,
through the curtain, the Christmas holly and the Captain — taking
care to mark that individual with mental chalk. The musician's
eyes are in the Brown pue ; but the eyes that used to meet them
are turned another way — all favour is centred upon their spurious
exotic, who grows thicker, twines tighter, and takes deeper root,
the more he is encouraged: — of the species, or genus, we cannot
do better than quote Mr. B.'s own words, written against DECEMBER
23rd, Sunday — (whilst the Waits, as usual, were serenading the
semi-detached, in a full conviction of its being Monday, and the
possibility of " living and loving together," and " being happy
yet"). — " To church with my new tenant, who is delightful company :
Lady Lucre, says he is a ' refined duck,' a ' gentlemanly angel,'
and a" { manly poppet : ' to which I made answer, that I thought
so too ; and that she was a ' seraphine concert.' Sermon, by the
Rev. Loyalla a Becket, 'in aid of funds for supplying the poor,

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 11

during this inclement but festive season, with food for the mind.'
Captain de Camp did borrow a sovereign of me, to put in the
plate ; and I was told by my fellow-churchwarden, Mr. Flyntflayer,
that he did put in a bad shilling, wrapt in paper, and did take
out fifteen shillings in change: — this, I said was untrue — as, of
course, it was ; — having lent him a sovereign myself, for the express
purpose. We are to have Captain de C.'s two noble sons here,
during the holidays ; one, I believe, comes from Oxford, and the
other from Sandboys Military College: — now is the time — Jemy.
and Angel, must be on the alert, for

' There is a tide in the affairs of women,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to matrimony ;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows, and in spinstcrliood.
On such a full sea are we now afloat;
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.' "

Monday, the 24th December's sun rises in a fog : — everybody has
lost the day of the week, and come upon what appears an infinity
of Saturdays rolled into one — beginning the week with a grand
end, — for it is the advent of Christmas !

The Masters de Camp arrive as was expected. — Cadet Wellesley
exhibiting his military accomplishments by surveying the back field;
all the holes and corners; riddling the sty and pigs with Mr.
Brown's blunderbuss ; bivouacking in the pantry at Victoria's ex-

12 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

pence ; and, when remonstrated with, for mere sport knocking the
plaster Albert off the garden wall into the lane. Mr. Latimer
de Camp introduces himself more civilly, as Miss Jemima is play
ing and singing (of course for practice), by accompanying " How
happy could I be with either," on the wooden partition with his
thumb, after the fashion of a tambarine.

This is the annual busy day. — Packets and parcels are being deli
vered unceasingly by uncommonly civil butcher-boys, graceful gro
cers, and urbanic green-grocers, who are near enough to boxing-day to
know that silver on the tongue is necessary to charm silver from the
pocket. The Captain has sent to learn if any consignments are for him,
to ask the loan of a pack of cards, and Victoria's company to spend
the evening at the Albert — which invitation is graciously accepted.

It is eve — Christmas-eve. — Mrs. Brown's candied mixture, the
pudding, is simmering in the copper; the turkey, chine, and hun
dred etceteras are on their way from Plumpsworth ; while Captain
de Camp's baggage is at the very wildest verge of that gentleman's
imagination, and its appearance would have surprised him more
than any one else, so speculative was it.

Mr. Brown is in the City, homeward bound by the omnibus,
intending to realize "a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
It is so foggy that he finds he is going at an invisible pace, obliging
him to abandon the invisible vehicle in an invisible street, paying
an invisible fare.

IV.

EVE.

: OOC IN PE'R-

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

13

He ties a handkerchief round his foot to prevent slipping; and
has something "short" to keep out the cold; and a little brandy-
punch to keep out the fog ; and a little egg-flip to keep him
warm ; and a link that he may see the way, for his vision is not very

distinct; — his head is delightfully buoyant, his optics inclined to
multiply, and his legs very refractory, having a great desire to
dance or go sideways, but obstinately refusing, in their eccentricity,
to proceed in a straight line; for Mr. Brown is more* merry than
particular — taking Newgate Market in his way home to Mizzling-
ton from the 'Change. Having a great veneration for old customs,
he buys a boar's head there and boy to carry it; next, being taken
with a crockery-shop-sign, " The Little Bason" (which, by-the-bye,
was a very large one), he purchases that also, thinking it will do
for a wassail-bowl ; likewise some holly ; and an old butcher's-block

c

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT OtfCE A YEAR.

to serve as the yule-log ; not forgetting the last new Christmas book
of sympathy and sentiment, " The Black Beetle on the Hob," a faery
tale of a register-stove, by the author of the " Old Hearth Broom and

the Kettle-Holder : "— With
these articles Mr. Brown and
his retinue reach home in
safety — a miracle, consider
ing the toast and ale they
have consumed, — the Holly
being jolly, the Bason groggy,
the Log stupid, and the Boar
pig-headed. They find Vic
toria deaf; for Mr. Brown has
made her little gothic door to
shiver, and the bolts to chat
ter with the blows, yet none
respond; for the servants are
very jovial over boiled ale in
the crypt — little thinking or

caring about their master ; who, after having rung all the bells singly,
walked backwards, surveyed the windows, tumbled over the block, and
endangered the wassail-bowl, tries ringing all the bells at once without
avail ; so enters by the back window, and performs a dexterous sum
merset down the stairs, in company with some evergreens and a flower-

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 15

stand, ending- in a series of double knocks performed upon the inside
of the door with the back of his head, and a cuffing from Mr. Brown
junior, who happens to be coming in with the key, taking his respected
governor for a burglar.

The Browns are next door : — Victoria is fraternizing with Albert,
and both are exceedingly happy, although the latter has won greatly at
the game of speculation — having played his cards well ; so, Mr. Brown,
after being packed in brown paper, steeped in vinegar, and well soda-
watered, joins the social party ; — finding Captain de Camp busy con
cocting an extraordinary oriental mixture (the name of which we quite
forget) out of old bottles, from Victoria's cellar ; and telling a tre
mendous Eastern story of a tiger captured in a jungle, after a chase
of ten hours — he should have said minutes, in a penny magazine !

Mr. Brown and the Captain soon became familiar — in twenty
minutes you would have thought them friends of twenty years : — so,
— before the last speculator had invested his last weekly sixpence
in a goose-club, and drawn the last adamantine old gander ; or
the last Christmas-pudding-sweep swept away the chimerical pud
dings, that ought to have been very rich, and everybody thought
everybody else had won ; before the last trader, who had sold
out, dared to mount a notice, intimating that he had joined an
" Association to suppress Christmas-boxes," — the Browns and De
Camps had attained that state denominated "thick" — an appellation
that might, with propriety, have been applied to Mr. Brown's

16 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

brains ; — for he had obliged Captain de Camp by discounting a
bill, due twelve days after date (Christmas), and had invited him
to dine on the morrow, to partake of the poultry, that always came
up at Christmas, from Plumpsworth ; and was taken out in a visit
made by the worthy donor, Great-uncle Clay clod, during the "May-
meetings," when he does a dozen shilling exhibitions in a day, and
knocks up a fly-horse. So, rather late to bed ; Mr. Brown making
up his Diary, as usual, on the dressing-table — a rule he always
observed, though, in some cases, it would have been better left
until the morning ; for, against December 24th, Tuesday, we find
his feelings richly expressed in cramped caligraphy, upside down,
bearing evident marks of excitement ; — having been penned — in a
dream — with hair-dye, mistaken for ink ; pounced with carmine, and
blotted with the small -tooth -comb in lieu of paper ; it is, moreover,
curious for its allegorical allusions — likening Captain de Camp to a
" brick," a " downey card," a " sharp file," and several other inanimate
poetical images.

Of our mild friend, Spohf, he is sleeping soundly upon a light
supper— obtained from " St. Stiff's dairy "—some very thin milk, di
vested of all unctuous quality — that having gone to an epicure
Captain, at the Albert Villa. Poor Spohfs talent has not put
many talents in his purse — these real racing times run over genius ! —
they would tunnel Helicon, turn Hippocrene to flush a city's drains,
— make Pegasus serve letters by carrying a post-boy, and, in the

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

17

end, sell the noble beast for feline food : — everything now must be
tangible. The little organist, who had spent so many a Merry
Christmas with the Browns — he has no pleasure to anticipate on
the morrow, except the per
formance of his new hymn,
" The Star of Bethlehem," a
composition of which the lit
tle tailor in the attic thought
small things, for it did not
compose him to sleep.

The 25th of December ar
rives. — The festival of the year
has come. Christmas-day com
mences with the rising of the
cook, who finished the even
ing, kneading and gaping over
pies and puddings ; and wakes
with the same operation, gap
ing and kneading her eyes,
which do not fairly open until

she comes to look after her " 8AFE BI™~SAFE ™>-"

first care — the pudding:— the fire, having been made up over night,
is discovered a " beauty ; " but, behold, — within the copper, the pud
ding has dissolved ! — there is nothing to be found but a cloth, which

18 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

must have been boiling all night in a rich plum-soup, — the string
having come untied; or rather, never been tied at all, but popped
in by Mrs. B. without attending to that operation : — a piece of
neglect, for which the cook gets "warning," and all the servants
rated — until the bells of St. Stiff's remind Mrs. B. that it is time
to depart, for the duties of a Christian, to eschew all the vanities
of this wicked world, in a rich purple Genoa velvet paletot and
duck of a plum bonnet. That day Mr. Churchwarden Brown's pue
would not hold all, so Mrs. Strap, the pue-opener, had to manoeuvre
by appropriating part of another to their use, losing her Christmas-
box for the offence against its owner, Mr. Din, the copper-smith.

Mr. Spohf s Christmas hymn is much liked, and is really so fine
as to make that essence of gentleness, himself, temporarily egotistical ;
he wonders what impression it has made upon Miss Jemima, and
the strange gentleman who is so attentive to her — could he do as
much? But Mr. Latimer de Camp is heedless of other good things
flying about him ; for, upon the walk home after service, among the
savoury Christmas dinners that are hurrying in every direction, he
is so abstracted as to find a sucking-pig in his stomach, and not
a little gravy spilt upon his trowsers, compelling him to change them,
upon his arrival at home, for a neat pair of young Brown's.

Mr, Spohf, having played all out of St. Stiff the Martyr, walks
home moodily : — instead of finding his dinner as usual, the chop and
potato, he learns that his landlord, Mr. Strap, the greengrocer, has

llvinot

a

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 19

stopped the supplies. It is quarter-day! — Strap thinks of the five
weeks' arrears, and Mr. Spohf's inability to pay for his lodgings;
so, Mr. and Mrs. Strap have surprised him, by preparing a huge
leg of mutton and pudding ; for they know he does not, as of old,
go to the " Wilier." After this humble repast, which was relished
as much as any could be, and was far less likely to leave unpleasant
sensations than if it had been more costly, they draw round the
fire ; and master Ichabod Strap, one of the choristers of St. Stiff
the Martyr, is playing with a shilling, polishing the coin upon his
sleeve — it is the identical one said to have been put in the
plate by Captain de Camp, and given by Mr. Flyntflayer (the gen
tleman who held the gothic platter) to Mrs. Strap, the pue-opener,
advising her at the same time to nail it to the counter — a counter
feit to deter " smashers." But, somehow, the coin seemed doomed
to remain unholy, for no orifice or artifice could have rendered it
a lucky one ; it was shown to Mr. Spohf, who thought it bad, and
that it might have gotten into the plate by mistake ; Mrs. Strap
knew it bad — an intentional perpetration,— and, like the giver, not
worth a dump ; Mr. Strap not only thought it bad, but proved it
so ; for, after having spun, sounded, and eaten a portion of it, he
cast the coin into the glowing fire, where the silver quickly changed,
dropping, like quick-silver, among the ashes, to be picked out by
Ichabod, very unlike a sterling coin.

Old Strap, who had taken " the pledge," but since introduced an

20

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT OJSTCE A YEAR.

exceptional clause in favour of feasts and festivals,
gets out the black bottle for fraternity's sake.
They take a pipe a-piece, and so softened is the
little organist with their genuine unsophisticated
kindness, that he sees all his cares fly, and nothing
but joys in the wreathed curls of smoke be- ^-
taking themselves up the chimney: — ~-
he sees Messrs. Blow ^

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 21

and Grumble, the eminent organ-builders, making a fortune by his
"new movement;" having purchased and patented it: he has found a
publisher for his church music, and sold his old opera. Captain de
Camp has vanished in smoke — he has exploded of spontaneous com
bustion, — they find him all deceit, leaving a glass eye and a cork leg.
Mr. Latimer gets the Colonial Bishopric of Bushantee, in New Zealand,
and cuts Miss Jemima. Mr. Wellesley having gone to India for glory,
returns with it, — a hook, and a patch over his eye. Miss Angelina
vows to die a virgin. Mr. Brown says to Mr. Spohf, " my son ! " — Mr.
Spohf says to Mr. Brown, " my father !" Mr. Strap is standing in tri
umph upon a pyramid of " carpets to beat," viewing a lesser one of
"boots to brush;" having been entrusted with more "messages" than
mortal ever could " deliver ; " whilst innumerable vans, bearing the name
of Strap, traverse innumerable roads in " Town and Country." Mrs.
Strap, dressed in a plain plum silk, turns a mahogany mangle, and
gets up nothing but "fine things." Ichabod has cut the choir, and
made his debut in an opera as Herr Strapii, a perfect triumph.

But here we will leave Mr. Spohf 's reverie — for Victoria and reality ;
where the company is arriving to the annual dinner, and sitting
about the drawing-room, looking as happy as patients at a dentist's ;
or festive, as disappointed toadeaters at the funeral of an opulent
relative, who had left all his property to found an asylum for de
cayed postboys — after leading everybody to expect the lion's share
of it : — the guests, for want of more exciting topics, admiring the

22 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

gimcracks they admired a year ago ; thinking the portrait of Mr.
Brown — "done," twenty years since, at a portrait club, — a splendid
likeness, and that the original grows younger ( query, richer ? ) ;
stating truths and untruths about the weather ; inquiring energeti
cally after each other's health — not caring for the answers ; with
other homely pleasantries, too numerous to mention ; until some of
the juveniles — the only ones who really seem at home — espy from
the window a loaded parcel-cart ; this they observe as funny on a
Sunday (little thinking, at that moment, it was Tuesday). Here
Mr. Brown descends, to hold an altercation with the guard of that
cart, who makes light of a huge hamper of game ; whilst the guests
at the windows above, speculate upon having to eat an uncooked
turkey, or fancy their ravenous appetites waiting while it is cooked —
the youngsters calculating upon a dinner all pudding. Mr. Brown
returns, and tenders his arm to Lady Lucretia de Camp — in the ex
citement, leading her down the side where the stairs taper to nothing,
— causing that lady to lose both equilibrium and temper.

In the hall they are introduced to the viands, all thought to par
take of; — which have arrived too late, and are now displayed in their
primitive state — a picture of still life ; whilst the guests — a picture
of disappointment — have to put up with odds and ends, concocted
to meet the emergency, ending with a series of plum-dumplings,
in place of the legitimate large pudding. However, the indigent
relatives, who prefer the cold corners, and take " any part," declare

~~~^ " V/ e/ i-v.

"^

THE PUDDING,

AS IT OUGHT TO HAVE APPEARED.

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

23

themselves well satisfied : — all partaking of everything, and brandy
afterwards, as if the viands were rich. Master Brown does justice
to everything, of course — that sweet child is now pulling the merry
thought with his maiden aunt ; he is victor, and, as no one wishes to

24 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

know his thoughts, seems determined to tell them, — wishing "Jemy.
and Mr. Latimer would look sharp, and knock up the match Mamma
spoke of; as then he should be breeched, have pockets, and money:"
here the little dear turned to the Captain, saying, " You '11 give me
a crown, won't you ?" — a question at which the maiden aunt blushed
intensely, as did Mrs. Brown, who attempted to hide her emotion by
saying, " What strange things children do think of ! " — at the same
time helping a gentleman who had had enough — the bashful gen
tleman, who sat at the junction of the tables, and appeared so in
commoded by the table-land of one being higher than the table
land of the other — causing his plate to oscillate in a very remarkable
manner, and discharge its contents in his lap, — the conjoined legs
compelling him either to sit at a fearful distance, and spill the gravy,
or to split his kerseymeres, by extending them too much for their
frail make: — however, he has at last succeeded in thrusting one knee
between them, and the shorter leg of the two off Bunyaii's " Pil
grim's Progress" — used to stilt it ; — letting the unfortunate gentle
man's pudding down, and his plate travel, until at last it stops,
performing a gyration, all to itself, under the sideboard.

During this clatter, the ladies rise and depart, leaving the gentle
men to drown all disappointments in the wine. Mr. Brown, " feeling
called upon," rises, apologizing for certain misfortunes, herein
described — at the same time trusting that such events might never
happen again ; and, in the end, eulogizing Mrs. B., who is painted

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 25

in glowing colours, by a painter who said he should not have painted
it ; or, as any one else might have observed, introduced two vir
tuously amiable daughters, so prominently in the foreground. After
a noble reply by Captain de Camp, of the Hon. East India Com
pany's service, from Madras, and much applause from the diners,
they ascend, to join the ladies ; forming, round the drawing-room-
fire, a vast amphitheatre, in the centre of which, gladiatorial children
contend for nuts and oranges — Captain de Camp filling the post of
honour, — making himself at home in Mr. Brown's easy chair and
slippers. Mr. Wellesley drags in the yule-log, much to the detri
ment of the Brussels, and the annoyance of the guests ; for, upon
placing it in the grate, it causes everything to be covered with
black tadpoles, nearly extinguishing the fire — until it ignites, roasting
the company, and making the pot a white-heat.

The Captain has repeated last evening's brew, upon a larger scale,
in the " little bason," or wassail-bowl. Master Wellesley has kissed
Angelina under the misletoe, suspended from the chandelier, and
placed in the centre of the amphitheatre, for that purpose. Mr.
Latimer has " taken the opportunity," as Jemima turned up a re
fractory burner ; and everybody kissed everybody else they liked,
or could catch there. The entertaining Captain has narrated an
effective anecdote of an enraged elephant, and a precious big boar
speared in a savage jungle — to which he might have added, with no
more personal risk than Mrs. Brown may experience when hunting

D

26 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

for a boa in her wardrobe. And, Mr. Mouldy, the city merchant,
who dealt in rags, sang about a little excitable pig, and " Mac
Mullin's Lament ;" whilst Mr. Snobbins — who it was hoped would
sit and be silent, — has broken the spell, dared to remember old
times, sleeping under a counter, and the pugnacity of Brown, when
they were in a mess at the blues — making Captain de Camp think
more of a military repast than Christ's Hospital ; — until the " blues "
were dispelled by Mr. Snobbins singing " The gallant 'prentice boy : "
— not that the company would have lacked a military man, had
the Captain been absent, for there was Cowed, the meek Bermondsey
tanner, by livery a hatter, and withal a soldier — a member of the
Hon. Artillery Company, — he who sang about God blessing the old
cow's hide, and a

" Wish that his soul in heaven might dwell,
Who first invented the leather bottel;"

— and, Mrs. Brown's brother, Mr. Barthe Brick, familiarly known as
the " Brick," who had just commenced a song, a parody upon Fra
Diavolo, — a something very, very low, supposed to be sung by a
dealer in hearth-stones ; who, at the end of each verse, vociferates
"who'll buy," heightening the illusion by trundling a chair, on its
back, round the family circle, to represent a barrow.

No one knows where the barbarous atrocities would have ended, and
all before the refined strangers, too, had not the olive-branches — dis
posed for rest by their several mammas in the room above — all awoke

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 27

at once, tumbled out of bed, and joined in a combined cry ; this breaks
the family circle — mothers fly to pack their turbulent innocents for
travel ; the candles flare, and carriages clatter, grinding the flints in the
lane. John, the footman, finds he has a dozen half-crowns, and Mary
seven. The last fly has departed with the little Bricks ; lights appear
and disappear in the bed-chambers; and the Christmas-day — that comes
but once a year — has vanished, like a dream !

Mr. Brown has jotted the events, in his Diary, in a hand scarcely
legible. It must have been penned in a somnambulistic fit — thinking
he was at a meeting of St. Stiff's vestry, in the union board-room, — for,
after a list of member's present (the names of his guests), Captain de
Camp in the chair, follow these minutes of proceedings: — Firstly, that
one Spohf be dismissed as organist of St. Stiff's, confined in the idiot-
ward, fed on water gruel, and handed over to his own parish (Vienna) ;
proposed by Latimer, and seconded by Wellesley de Camp. The second
proposition appears to be to the effect that a vagrant named Brick,
dealer in hearth-stones, be confined in the refractory-ward, and fed
upon bread and water.

The morning after the festivities London oversleeps itself: — and,
awaking, finds it boxing-day. Variegated dips are being disseminated
among delighted, dirty, juveniles ; whilst the boys seem chagrined at
notices for (( the extinction of abuses," or " suppression of Christmas-
boxes ;" which seems only to make them the more pertinacious at Victoria
Villa : for an irregular dustman has chalked the post, and the Postman

28

CHEISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

vowed to mark Mr. Brown ; the Turncock is turned off ; the Waits have
to " wait a little longer ; " and the Beadle, who declared Mr. Brown
no generous churchwarden, has, withal, found enough alcohol to make

him stupid before night — causing that
dignitary to cry a lost boy instead of a
girl, and to see twice as many posts
round St. Stiff's as usual ; taking half
of them to be boys about to vault over
the other half, he rushes on to disperse
them, soundly chastising the granite.

All the little boys secure their mites
before mid-day ; taking their posts at
the gallery-door of a popular theatre,
five hours before opening, to practise
that rare virtue, patience, at the shrine
of " Hot Codlings, " and " George
Barnwell."

Master Ichabod Strap, in his richest
yellow breeches, and burnished badge
of St. Stiff the Martyr, is perambu
lating the parish with his gay phylactery, or Christmas-piece — " The
History of Joseph," painted, like the coat, in many colours : — he shows
it to Mrs. Brown, who approves the performance ; "stroking the head of
modest and ingenuous worth that blushed at its own praise ;" measur-

1 i "

.'if

I-

BOXING DAY.

AN OFFENDED DIGNITARY OF THE CHURCH .
'BOLISH THE BOXES, INDEED: -'^PECT NEXT THEY'L 'BQLISH THE
BI5HOP5.- WHAT5 A SEASON WITHOUT COMPLIMENTS? V^

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 29

ing the boy at a glance, and proffering him promotion in the shape of
an uniform, of buttons, just vacated by a youth — called by his peers
" Nobby Jones," but by his mistress " Alphonso ;" — who, having grown
to the great risk of buttons and stitches, was dispossessed of his regi
mentals, being sent home one dark night in his bed-gown. " Ichabod"
promises to resign that title and all connection with the dirty boys, to
reign as Alphonso the second page ; being missed by Mr. Spohf, for
whom he used to blow the organ, in the little second floor — a bereave
ment Mrs. B. enjoyed, saying, she wondered how the unworthy little
animal would raise the wind now.

There is an universal adage about risking sprats to capture herrings
— a sport not unknown to our cosmopolite Captain, for he had fished
in troubled waters, and hunted for a dinner many a time ; — he knew
the traps and snares to secure game, the days and seasons ; so, on Box
ing-day, he baits the servants with crowns ; Tommy with a sovereign ;
Angelina with " The Keepsake ;" Jemima with a modern-ancient missal,
or portion of Scripture made dear and difficult to read; presenting
Mrs. B. with the last new art manufacture — " The Knowing Blade, a
brazen-faced sharper, to remove blunt ;" and procuring for Mr. B. the
skin of the identical Bengal tiger he killed, as may be seen from a legend
running up the back bone — though an inscription on the tip of the
tail states it to be sold by Fitch of Regent Street. The bait secures
its amount of flat-fish ; for that evening, Captain de Camp was more
than usually lucky — he caught enough at ecarte to clear himself; — a

30 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

freak of fortune that caused no asperity in the noble breast of Brown ;
for here are his own thoughts in his own words : — " DECEMBER %6th,
Wednesday (Boxing-day). — My dear friend, De Camp, has this day
given us all tokens of the warmest attachment — sadly wanting to do
something for me — ' Colonial,' ' "War,5 or * Admiralty.' Not requiring
anything just now, this will form an admirable reserve ; I must, in the
meantime, profit by his refined society, as I hope and trust the girls
will by his sons'. If there be any drawback to the delight I feel, it is
the non-arrival of his luggage ; for I am personally inconvenienced
by his wearing my best coat. I may be over-scrupulous in wishing
he would return the books he devours with such avidity : — Mrs. B.
says, she thinks, the paragon of knowledge swallows them ; for they
are not to be found."

Next morning Idhabod enters the Brown suit and service, having
spent Boxing-night and the proceeds of the Christmas-piece at the play,
where he saw " Jane Shore" and " Harlequin House that Jack built ;"
the plot and tricks of which he recounted to Master Tommy, as he took
that young gentleman for a walk, inoculating him with a great desire
to go and behold it. So, after having coaxed his mother, teased his fa
ther, and cried his lovely blue eyes into a good imitation of red veined
marble, the youth triumphed ; for on Thursday evening, they all went
to the play in the fusty fly from Drone's yard, driven by old Drone, in
his pepper-and-salt suit of pseudo livery, that looked as if he always
brushed it with the currycomb ; and so tindery about the breast, from

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 31

the number of marriage -favours annually pinned there, that it is a
wonder it holds together. Alphonso rode upon the box, giving the
vehicle a certain amount of smartness. On their arrival under the dirt-
embrowned portico of the theatre, they are cordially recognised by the
De Camps ; who, thinking it a pity the box should not be filled, have
just dropped down to see "London Assurance" — intending to quit
before the pantomime, but forgetting to do so after alL

During the play, Master Tommy disposes of a vast quantity of oranges
and sponge-cakes — vanishing between each act to obtain a fresh sup
ply ; — making butterflies of the bill, and causing the double-barrelled
lorgnette (which was hired for the occasion from an adjacent oyster-
shop) to slip off the cushion, falling upon a bald gentleman in the pit: —
the excited little pest remarking everything, and fairly shouting at the
discovery of Alphonso below, until chid by his mother. Oh ! that we
could participate in thy youthful enthusiasm, or feel pleased at that
hotch-potch — the overture ; or, a thrill when the muffin-bell tinkles,
causing the lovely drop-scene — that combined the grandeur of the
pretty Parthenon with the sublimity of Virginia Water — to vanish into
its own intensely blue sky ; disclosing the " Harlequin House that Jack
built," and Mr. John Bull's huge paste-board thick head, snoring like
thunder, in a " property" summer-house — an elephantine blue-bottle on
his proboscis, and a sleeping bull-dog, the size of an Alderney steer, at
his feet : — here Master Brown, with a grin, calls the house Victoria
Villa, and the paste-board mask his papa. Now enters the rat, to eat

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

the good things that lay in the house that John built, represented by a
stealthy seedy gentleman, who, after reading a board intimating that
apartments were to let, crept slyly past the sleepy Bull, to mount the
house-steps ; and there deliver himself of the following doggerel, in a
mellifluous voice : —

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 33

" I search for lodgings— here 's the very thing,—
Though I 've not got a rap, I think I '11 ring ;
For all I want is to be taken in, —
As I would others take — sure 'tis no sin
To do to others — only tit for tat —
So here goes— Rat — tat, tat— a tat !!!!!"

The orchestra, loud in wishing to know " who 's dat knocking at de
door ?" and Master Tom, deep in the bill, with Mr. Rat, who is there de
scribed as a "scamp" — an unknown term to Tom, for he asked its mean
ing ; observing that Uncle Brick said Captain de Camp was a scamp.
This question remained unanswered ; for no one heard it except the
Captain, who felt a great itching t<£ pull a young monkey's ears, but
did not. The cat (a sort of Puss in Boots, with a short stick and
strip of paper) entering, to catch the rat, is worried by the dog;
who is tossed by a cow with a very crumpled horn ; who was milked by
a maid said to be very forlorn ; who is kissed by a sweet-looking beggar,
all tattered and torn — the loving pair being likened to Jemima and
Latimer, by Master Tom, causing his sister's face to redden as a fur
nace, that heightened the more it was fanned ; and when the priest, all
shaven and shorn (whom Tom called the Rev. Loyalla a Becket), com
menced marrying the couple, then Miss Jemima entertained serious no
tions of fainting ; and, probably, would, had not the solemnization of
matrimony been violated by the priest, who shed his sack-cloth surplice,
vaulting over the rails of the altar, between the astonished couple, leav
ing that sanctuary to change into a match maker's — appearing, himself,

34 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

a perfect clown, stating that sublime, veritable, truth — "here we are
again ! " — working his geometric, chromatic, physiognomy into endless
contortions, extending his arms like the sails of contrary windmills, twid
dling his legs like a fly, — and when called upon, by unearthly voices,
for " Tippytiwitchet," appears so scared that he tumbles through the
big drum, to oblige them with the song from the slips ; instantly after
wards presenting himself upon the stage, dilating his spotted inexpres
sibles, until they put him in mind of a friend, Pantaloon, that, by a
curious coincidence, resides at a tailor's, in the back-ground, having
just completed a patch-work skin, for Harlequin; who, the instant he is
fitted, flies through the panel of t door, inscribed " cutting-out room,"
into the next house, Siflorisfs, there to obtain his favourite flower, the
Columbine, with whom he has a long dance in the centre of a very soli
tary street ; whilst Clown and Pantaloon arrange a partnership concern,
which they carry on in the middle of the road, in front of the shop,
until Clown renders himself more plague than profit, by warming his
partner's lumbar region with a very red-hot goose, basting him with the
sleeve-board, and sticking him to the road with wax — Clown dissolving
partnership by walking off, in a new wrap-rascal, with the cash-box,
that no one may rob them. The best things must come to an end ! —
and so does the Pantomime — with a gorgeous display of red fire, tin
sel and gold, real water and the electric light — all chopped off in the
middle by the descending curtain. The box-fronts have been enve
loped in their night-gowns ; the Columbine is clattering, in pattens,

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

35

THE NOTORIOUS SINGER AT THE " WARREN," SINGING HIS
CELEBRATED BITS "THE DROP " AND "THE DRAIN,"

Drone's fly is homeward bound, heavily
laden. The young men of the party have
dived into " The Welsh Rarebit Warren,"
there to spend the early hours of the morn
ing, listening to sentimental songs chanted
amid fumes of tobacco and spirits, to hear
sorry wit, and make vapid remarks. The
great feature of the evening being a melo-

to her lodgings ; the
Harlequin has been
bolted out, unable to
vault through the fan
light ; and the Clown
is running in his paint
ed face, having forgot
ten to wash it, for at
home he left a dear wife
seriously ill, to come
and be funny in sad
ness.

36^ CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

dramatic dirge, supposed to be sung by a condemned felon — a tri
umphant lamentation and delineation of brutal character, — so elo
quent and thrilling, in its monosyllabic groans of anguish, that it
is a wonder the kidneys, consumed in such numbers, are ever di
gested. But, alas ! — such is life — those most swayed by animal
propensities see the least warning therein : — as, the thief combines
business and pleasure at the gallow's foot ; so, with the frequenters of
the "Warren" — they imbue their sentiment and supper, — only di
gesting the latter. Wellesley has devoured several " rabbits," and La-
timer disposed of numberless kidneys, whilst young Brown has had
to wait the usual forty minutes for a steak ; and, in the interim, had
five " stouts," four " goes," and several cigars, i. e., with assistance
from the De Camps ; who have made free, ay, to order goblets of cham
pagne, and, in the end, not having change to repair the " damage" (a
mean, but true, term, as often applied), they get young Brown to pay
the complicated sum added up by the waiter, upon a mahogany ditto, in
lieu of a slate, with stale stout spilled in the corner, receipted with a
wipe of the towel : — and so, home in the "safety" cab, with large wheels
and a spanking grey, — lettered along the side " Nil desperandum"
thinking " handsome is as Hansom does ; " tumbling into bed just
before the peep o' day, and five hours after Mr. Brown had made up
his Diary — writing against December the 27th., Thursday, that he had
taken Tom and the girls to a pantomime ; been agreeably surprised to
find the De Camps there, especially the sons, who did sit in front, with

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 37

Jemy. and Angel., looking made as much for one another as he could
desire : — Tom behaving very sadly; and, were it not for his mother, the
boy should spend the vacations at a Yorkshire school ; — twice every
year — in the Dog-days and December — is the house turned topsy-turvy,
— it may be sport to you, Master Tom, but 'tis death to us.

Thus older grew the year, and fuller got the Diary — Mr. Brown
graphically recounting the doings and disasters of " DECEMBER %8th,
Friday. — Unpropitious, fatal, Friday ! I never knew it lucky save once,
and then it was — I let the Albert. ' Christmas comes but once a
year,' with a train of nasty bills, not to be bilk'd ; and sorry con
solation is it thinking you ' paid at the time,' when the receipt is
not to be found. Miss-Fortune, that never came single, now visits
with a large family of little pests — out of season and uninvited! —
Here is Needy, the pianist, who, one would think, had married her ;
for he has children enough to fill a charity school. Needy, of No. 9,
Brown Terrace, has absconded without paying the rent — sending the
key, and £12. lOs., instead of £14., with a shabby excuse about hoping
to be able to make up the difference some day : — this is the return for
showing compassion to a poor devil ! — I ought to have known, when I
took the cottage-piano for last quarter, though Spohf did say it was a
six-and-three- quarters, worth three times the money! — I am a good-
natured fool, and ought, in justice to my family, to be a little more
selfish — these mean professionals estimating their rubbish far beyond
all reason ! — My spirits are damped — and so are we all, for the water -

E

38

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR,

pipes that that rascal Plummer fixed, at the low contract, have burst
with this evening's thaw, and were discovered just as the water was
coming in ; having played, I know not how long, a fountain in the bath
room, tumbling down the stairs like the falls of the Niagara, obliging us
to insert tobacco-pipes all over the drawing-room ceiling, to drain the

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 39

inundation : — it has spoilt the watered paper, stained the aquatint of the
Aqueduct, and 'Wellington at Waterloo,' done for the water-gilding,
and saturated the ' Momentous Question ;' the ' Heart's Misgivings '
is a sop ; and the water-colour of the ' Flood ' is washed away. Al-
phonso is sitting up in goloshes to empty the pots, and I doubt much
if 1 shall sleep over the dropping- well."

How Mr. Brown slept we do not know, but can imagine, for here is
the Diurnal Record, made up in bed : — " DECEMBER 29th, Saturday. —
Dreamed Victoria Villa turned into a hydropathic establishment — that
I was being frozen, thawed, and suffocated ; did wake, this day, with
an enlarged cheek — the influenza compelling me to keep my bed,
bathe my chilblains, and anoint my nose ; I take slops internally, and
wear a heart upon the outside of my chest. The kind, considerate
Captain called, smoking a cigar, that made me cough, and think his
visit a visitation."

The first Sunday after Christmas is here : — Brown is in bed ; the little
bell of St. Stiff's has stopped, and many another vibratory sound is
dying in the distance ; flakes of snow are moodily descending — causing
the fire to spit angrily, and the face of heaven to look black — all light
appearing to come from the earth ; sound is deadened, the carpet is
darker than usual, and the ceiling lighter ; Mr. Brown's eyes are up
there, for he is lying, tracing amid the cracks and stains, vast palaces
like pictures by Martin, or aerial phantasmagorias by Turner. Brown
is lying, nursing his influenza according to the approved adage ; though

40 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

some read the maxim thus, " Stuff a cold, and (have to) starve a fever."
Let us hope Brown has the right version. Captain de Camp has come
to read to the invalid, and drink his brandy and water — he has begun
" Blair's Sermons," or rather the life of Blair, prefixed to the volume, in
a full conviction of its religious tendency ; whilst in the room above is
John, the footman, standing upon his bed, breathing on the single pane
of glass, inserted in the sloped roof, that he may melt the snow, and see
to read a mysterious document — a tumbled note, — not on the Bank of
England, but an epistolatory one, found in the trowsers pockets of Mr.
Latimer de Camp — the same cast off by that gentleman on Christmas-
day, when he stumbled over the strange dinner, in coming from church,
and so much deteriorated their appearance as to give them to John ;
— who now, thinking he has found evidence, — thinks he always thought
he thought the De Camps scamps. John is perplexed at the purport of
the letter ; and feeling a cold thrill run through him, he turns into bed,
there to reflect for ten minutes upon the downy pillow, pondering with
intensely closed eyes, considering before he puts himself in the power of
an enemy — for John had been a soldier once, and would have been one
now, had not his poor old mother starved and mangled together
enough to buy him off; he bore the stamp of military drill, took in
" Tales of the Wars," in penny numbers, and had a cheap print of the
f ' Battle of Waterloo " pasted to the sloping roof, above the bed, in
which we left him pondering. Having considered enough, he takes once
more to the document, folding and unfolding it, examining the thimble

/4V

COMPLIMENTS

OF THE REASON.

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 41

impress on the seal, tasting a corner of it in his excitement, and reading
it with intense energy for the last time : it is directed to " La timer de
Camp, Esq., M.A., Albert Villa, Mizzlington ; " and was posted in the

New Cut :—

" DEAR EDWARD, No- 2' GrubVs Rents'

" I am anxiously awaiting the f Conspiracy,' — do not keep me in sus
pense ! — do DO it, for my benefit. — I sadly want money. Is the plot too
horrible for you! — you know how to do for a ' Victoria* company! —
make a domestic tragedy of it — shoot the father and son ! — you know the
rest. Pray communicate, or I shall think you in trouble.

" Your forlorn — EMMA."

For this last perusal John appears none the wiser, being unable to
divine more than at first — murder and treachery seem the plot. John
thinks the Captain just like Gory, the murderer, in the Chamber of
Horrors, at the wax-works; and that Victoria Villa resembles " Green-
acre Hall," depicted in the pictorial newspaper. John is sadly per
plexed as to where he shall seek counsel — of course, thinking of
every one foreign to the case ; until, happily, he remembers one that
ought to have been thought of first — to Mr. Spohf will he send the
mysterious note, ask his advice, and act upon it : — but, unfortunately,
John sealed the envelope with Mr. Brown's crest — a circumstance that
made Mr. Spohf think the letter from his old friend Brown ; so he
answers it as such — feeling much pleasure that his advice should be

42 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

sought ; — saying, the enclosed note appeared to be about some drama
some one had to write — a document of no serious import. As to stran
gers, he should advise caution ; for it is the aim of a rogue to look
as much like a trusty friend as possible ; quiet watchfulness is well, for
that can harm no one. This answer from Mr. Spohf was promptly
delivered by the little tailor's daughter to the expectant John ; who
naturally thought it for him. Curiously, John and his master both
owned the name of Brown — John Brown : — now John, the servant, was
conscientious ; and would not, on any account, have opened his master's
letters — he drew the line of propriety much further off, — it stopped at
reading in at the ends. John felt sure this letter was for him — not that
he liked being called an esquire ; yet, for all that, he felt safe, for
there, extra-large and important, was the word " Private" — a military
distinction that made him doubly certain ; so, he bore away the letter, in
great trepidation, to his quarters in the tiles, there to be much relieved
by its contents ; vowing, as he lay on his bed, to be watchful as the
Duke on the look-out in his " Battle of Waterloo," and dumb as a
dead drummer in the foreground.

Happily Victoria and Albert were ignorant of these despatches, or
John might have lost his commission and uniform. Confidence is un
shaken ; — for, on DECEMBER 30th, Sunday, Captain de Camp is reported
a " glorious oriental brick,"— he having kindly prescribed all sorts of
good things for his invalid friend, without the slightest regard to ex
pense ; and, moreover, broken Brown's quinsy by administering an ex-

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 43

traordinary anecdote, or " crammer," that scarcely any one could swallow;
but Brown did, and laughed so much afterwards, that the quinsy was
gone ; for the Captain had anecdotes suited to all times and seasons —
he only wanted listeners, and off he went like an alarum. Sunday put
him in mind of that day twelvemonths ; and that day put him in mind
of Richard Spark, of the Native Infantry; Rich. Spark put him in
mind of how they got that Hindoo millionaire, Makemuchjee Catch-
muchjee, into a Christian church, by walking him between them, in a
state of ether ; how he (the Hindoo) was mollified by the sermon, and
went home — melted the Idol, Boobobum, that had golden hair, diamond
eyes, pearly teeth, coral lips, a silver tongue, and a copper bottom ; how
he handed her over in lumps to the church ; and yet, with all these
poetical attributes she was the ugliest and most precious god he ever
set eyes on. She was the subscription of the district — the poor put
the copper and the rich the gold; — the Captain telling of how he made
a posthumous portrait of her, which is quite correct ; only he forgot
five bosoms in the bust, and left out a right arm : — it is engraved in
No. 365 of the " Missionary Record."

This paragraph opens with the last day of the old year. — The cold that
stiffened Mr. Brown's neck, and choked up his throat has thawed ; his
nose has resumed its accustomed hue ; his temper is unusually good in
the prospect of vacating his room, and beginning the year with re
doubled energy. Mrs. Brown is preparing for something important ;
and, from the delicate scented note you observed inserted in our

44 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

chimney-glass-frame — the one with the Brown crest, a rampant locomo
tive proper, and motto of " Go-a-head" (which, between ourselves, was
found by a very subtle seal-engraver in Change Alley) ; — from that, and
the remarks of Master Brown, when we called this morning, you may
pretty well judge : — he said Jemy. wrote such a lot o' letters the other
day ; that they have a pillow-case filled with oranges — quite a sack-
full ; and, moreover, his Ma', just was clever — for she said she could kill
two parties with one chandelier, and make rout-seats hold double!
The fact is, Mrs. Brown intends to give a ball on the 4th of January,
and a juvenile party on the 5th — the former to be extra-superb, on
account of the De Camps ; who, of course, are expected — having re
ceived an invitation by post. We wonder the Browns did not write
to invite themselves ; for John passed the Albert door in taking the
Captain's letter to the post, and the preparations were as much un
der the guidance of those worthies as of the Browns themselves. The
boudoir is in a litter — all cuttings of satin and book muslin, — in the
midst of which may be seen pretty Miss Bib and little Madame
Tucker, very busily employed — Lady Lucre tia de Camp proffering
advice ; and superintending the construction of an amber satin, co
vered with black lace — a dress that Mrs. Brown thought to wear, but
felt obliged to resign, so much did her kind patron, Lady de Camp,
dote upon it.

Above this last-named apartment is Brown's bedchamber, where he
and the Captain are spending a quiet evening, reviewing their prospects

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 45

and relating their experiences : — the Captain stating his intention of
living retired upon his property, for all his friend Major Cant's trying
to persuade him to take an adjoining house in Belgravia. No ! he was
content to stay where he was — Albert was snug ; but if Mr. Brown
thought of removing to May fair or Tyburnia, why then, a house next
such a capital individual might be a desideratum : — he said it — an Army
Captain that should not say it, but did not care, — stock -brokers and
merchants were men of bottom ; though probably his friend Major
Cant would say that bottom meant the baser stuff they were composed of
— the joke was better than the simile, and neither bad. After this opi
nion the Captain paused to think, drink, and — with a blow that made the
table quiver, — demand, to know what a man without money was ivorth?
— answering the question, in the same breath, with an emphatic nothing !
— a man of wealth was a man of worth ! We know not if Mr. Brown
thought this logic or no ; — but he, Captain de Camp, knew it, and in
tended to let his friends know it also ; for next season he would give a
grand entertainment, get Spread and Co. to throw a marquee over the
lawn, and see if Major Cant would come — the Captain rather thought
he would ; or the Hon. Sam. Dummy — the coxcomb, who, when asked to
dine with Alderman Fig, in Bloomsbury Square, said his horses never
crossed Tottenham Court Road — Stinkomalee and the Brutish Museum
savouring too much of the "people" for the exquisite; — but the Cap
tain winked, and said he knew how the Dummy would get out of the
fix — he would come along the New Road, as the Captain said he once

46 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

knew him do, when in search of an asthmatic poodle that had been
stolen, and was at a dog-fancier's on Pentonville Hill. Then should
we have the lane filled with carriages, like at a Chiswick fete ; I would
introduce my friend to the world, and be at rest ; — for we are a couple
of old boys, willing to make sacrifices for our dear children.

Having delivered himself of these lofty sentiments as the bells were
ringing out the old year — stopping to strike its knell ; — the Captain
also stopped, to seize a glass and the hand of Brown — wishing him the
merriest, maniest, and happiest of New Years; — drinking eternal unity
to the B.'s and De C.'s — at the same time shedding a very visible tear,
that dropped into his brandy and water, like the pearl of Cleopatra, to
be sacrificed to self— to a very affectionate man — so very affectionate,
that he loved himself, we do believe.

The spirits and sentiment so overcame Brown, that he buried his
emotion in the bolster — a state of mind the Captain did not fail to
observe, and take advantage of; for — "he supposed Mr. Brown could
not spare £8, until Saturday ?" — An affirmation that gentleman repu
diated ; for he granted the small favour with pleasure — presenting the
leaf of an oblong book, and his autograph, to the Captain ; who retired
with the same — by an ingenious plan to render it of ten times the
value — adding to the eight a letter y, making it eight?/, and the figure
to keep company with a naught — £80.

The events of this day are chronicled in the Diary of Brown — all
couleur de rose, — the literal purport of which it would be tedious to

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 47

repeat ; suffice it to say, the aphorisms on the demise of the year ran foul
of the "occasional memoranda" and were brought to a dead stop by
the "general accounts;" not that his ideas stopped on paper, for he
continued them in bed. Brown dreamed " his ship had come home;" —
that he dwelt in a Belgravian palace ; that he was an M.P. ; — that he was
known as Brown, the " King of 'Change" — that he ruled with an iron
ruler — that he was enthroned upon a cash-box — that he wore a crown of
dollars — that the four quarters of the globe adored him — that Great and
Little Britain worshipped him; — that the world told his wife, Brown
was a great man : — but, alas ! — trains of wild ideas, like locomotives that
go too fast, may run off the rail when least expected, or explode as a
train of gunpowder, without notice ; so, in Mr. Brown's imagination, he
feels as if shot into the air, after being dreadfully scalded — Mrs, Brown,
kind soul, having applied a bottle of boiling water (forgetting the
flannel) to the feet of her spouse, before retiring, herself — that good
lady little thinking it was so warm. But there were other things Mrs.
Brown did not know of ; for she little thought the servants were round
the kitchen-fire, quiet as mice, all deep in the " Mysteries of the
Courts and Sewers of London" — a work affording the greatest amount of
horrible excitement at the lowest rate, — a book in which Alphonso has
discovered a Captain de Camp ; and cook, a Lady Thingamy, whom, she
says, " ain't no better than she should be" — a rather vague but signifi
cant truth, that might as appropriately have been applied to a saint as
to a sinner, though cook intended it for the latter : — as to the Capting,

48 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

the only think she had agin him was a wish he wouldn't spile every-
think with soy and cayenne, for it got into the wash, and made the
pigs sneeze. Mary, too, must have her opinion — saying Wellesley
wasn't no gentleman, for he wiped his dirty boots on the towels, and
would pull the plug out of the wash-bason when there was nothing
under to catch the soapy water. During this scandal, John, whom
all thought knew something, only said the Captain was an umbug —
as he noiselessly disappeared, bearing his shoes in his hand ; for it was
considerably past midnight.

Young Brown and his two friends are at the " Planets " harmonic
meeting, stating their intention not to return till morning — an useless
proclamation, for it is impossible to do otherwise, now — they having
been at the Casino, " getting their feet in," for the hop on Friday,
as young Brown termed the practice of dancing.

Mr. Spohf is in bed, but cannot sleep — so great is his pleasure, —
Messrs. Blow and Grumble having patented " Spohf 's new organ-
movement."

" A Happy New Year — and may you live to see many of them!" —
The New Year is born with every characteristic of its defunct sire —
seeming no better behaved (as some people would have little boys
after a birthday or a breeching) : — the old year died with a drizzle ;
and the young one, that everybody hoped promising, is born with the
same attributes.

Mr. Brown is at his post again — the parish lamp-post at the corner

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 49

of the lane — awaiting the " Favourite" omnibus, that is to bear him to
the City. He is trying to arrange the thousand and one little commis
sions he has to execute for Mrs. Brown. How many he remembered
or forgot we know not ; but that day he purchased a fair blank Diary —
the stationer who sold it not only wishing him " a Happy New Year,"
but that he might " live to fill fifty such :" — a wish that made Mr.
Brown very contemplative — thinking 18,250 entries no joke ; — of many
bright, bright days of pleasure ; two score and ten of birthdays ; half a
century of weddings, anniversaries, and deaths — let us hope of peaceful,
happy deaths, — for clouds will sometimes gather, darkening the bright
est sky ; but, thank Heaven, there is plenty of sunshine for those who
seek it — ay, to find it, too, though it be midnight and beside a kitchen-
fire. Of this new Diary the first page is penned with more care than
usual — as all first pages are: — there the De Camp dynasty reign in
confidence ; and it is evident that Mr. Brown anticipates a glorious
future.

Young Time, we have often imagined, must be born fledged ; for he
can fly quickly as his sire ! — It is the 3rd of January — the day prior
to Mrs. Brown's ball. — Thus thought we, wending our way to Victoria
Villa ; having promised the Miss Browns to step in and practise the
" deux-temps" with them; but, as we have since heard, it is another
new double-shuffle that is turning the brains of the dancing world just
now; — however, we went, and found Victoria in a pretty pickle — a
perfect mixed pickle, we may say, — our dear young friends being

F

50 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

much too busy to remember the appointment: — for there was the
" Broad wood" standing upon the landing; and Master Tom cutting
out slides upon the bare boards in the drawing-room, the carpet being
taken to St. Stiff's Union, that it might be beaten — a thing we exceed
ingly rejoiced in ; for last year the guests were obliged to beat it with
their feet, and afterwards to carry the dust home upon their shoul
ders — the first polka being performed as if in the Great Desert, during
a sand-storm. There was the chandelier ( that looked all the year like
a giant pear enveloped in holland) being removed to the parlour, and a
much more splendid one suspended in its stead. We peeped into the
drawing-room, and had our dignity compromised by a man on some
steps ; who directed us to " look alive and bring that hammer." So,
it being very evident we were in the way, we withdrew, tumbling over
a barricade of fenders and other furniture in the hall, raised during
our absence by the insurgent housemaids ; who, we are sorry to say,
seemed rather diverted at the mishap, for we heard them giggle, though
of course we appeared not to notice, and tried to walk away with a
joyous air ; at the same time vowing never to visit, even our best
friends, on the day prior to a party.

So we took care to keep away until the memorable evening arrived ;
but being particularly requested to come early, and bring our amiable
sisters, we wished to do so. The Brougham was waiting, as were we —
thinking to do so for some time : — having made up our mind and the
study -fire— diving deep into the first book handy — an "Essay upon Light

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

51

and Shade in Painting." Well, we were in the dark — with Rembrandt ; —
when the room appeared to fill with odoriferous vapour, and a blonde
fairy stealthily touched our shoulder, making a mock salutation, that
startled us very much : — it was our playful sister, whom we compliment
ed upon appearance and expedition ; well knowing ladies to be unable
to dress in a given time for a ball, whatever they may do for an opera !

However, we had no
cause for umbrage on this
occasion ; for the carriage
rumbled over the hard, dry,
ground, just as St. Stiff's
was striking nine — the stars
above, twinkling, as they
only can, upon a clear, fros
ty night. Having knocked

mildly, for fear of frightening Mrs. Brown thus early, and been
kept waiting some time, we were admitted ; after being taken for
Mr. Strap, the help, by John, whom we surprised in his fustian jacket
and the middle of a fugitive tea. The ladies soon disappeared into an
upper region, not soon to return, leaving us to find amusement as we
best could: — to examine the tiger-skin, ingeniously sewn upon a form
to resemble a living animal (which, by the bye, it did not); to peep
into the parlour, and discover the supper, looking mysteriously vast,
by the light of one burner, very much turned down ; to pace the

52 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

hall ; warm our kids at the Arnott ; and, standing upon the mat, listen
to the unsophisticated talk without — speculating as to what a foreign
traveller could divine the conversation to mean, or the diurnal occu
pation of the lanthorn-men to be : —

1st voice. " Droves, did yer say, in Mad-ox Street?"

2nd do. " Yes, herds ; I got eight bulls and a hog out of Bullstrode
Street."

1st do. " See to that bull's-eye, calf,- and, as there ain't no kids
a-coming, I'll toss yer for a tanner."

Here " the noblest study of mankind" was broken off — Alphonso ap
pearing. We left our men, to pace the hall — abandoning character for
a slow march, — whilst the page constructed a scaffold of clothes-horses
and table-covers, forming a repository for hats, over the back kitchen-
stairs ; the lobby beyond which, we discovered had been metamorphosed
into a still-room, and was now presided over by two pretty, plump
damsels, in the finest cobweb caps — mere blond buttons, of no earthly
use, but, withal, very becoming : — one of these maids being in converse
with a young "gent.," who, it appears, has been forgotten in the excite
ment, and discovered here — his face very sticky with candy and cream.
Master Thomas Brown, fearing that such search might be instituted for
him, has taken a great affection to the leg of the still-room table ; from
which he is coaxed by more attractive substances, seized, and borne up
to bed — his yells becoming " small by degrees and beautifully less,"
until lost altogether.

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

53

Now comes Mr. Strap, to help and wait at table — in his huge white
cravat, yellow vest, and new pair of second-hand plush smalls, disap
pearing below to develope his calves, which are enveloped in gaiters, —
gingerly beckoning the man with the bad hat, who had been tuning the
piano, and Mr. Palaver, the Mizzlington Artist in hair, to follow, that
they may escape by the back door.

We had been promenading the hall for some time, having become
pretty well acquainted with the pattern of the encaustic tiles with

54 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

which it was paved ; and were going towards the entrance for the last
time, pluming ourself that we might appear to the greatest advan
tage — for we felt assured the ladies were descending, having heard a
rustling and tittering; — when, just turning by the door, we were elec
trified by three distinct bangs, that subsided into a sharp rat, with an
infinity of tail, causing the lid of the letter-box to look as if it had the
palsy, and ourself to retreat like a shot — feeling alternately hot and
cold; whilst Strap, who, upon hearing Mrs. Brown's footsteps, began to
be very busy, performing a feat of strength with seven waiters, a copper
scuttle and an ice-pail, is put in such trepidation that he loses his grip —
all coming to the flags ; causing the greatest amount of clamour at the
smallest amount of sacrifice — Mrs. Brown saying she is happy it is not
glass, and hoping Strap hasn 't been drinking. The effect having an
nihilated the cause, the door is not opened; so the dose gets repeated,
with similar gusto, by Fred. Lark — for it was he that gave the " stun
ner," and witnessed the commotion through the attenuated windows
at either side the door, — a piece of pleasantry for which he got stigma
tised by Mrs. B. as a naughty, noisome, noisy man ; and for which he
himself proposed the still-room, as an antidote. Now, Mr. Lark is one
of those funny little men, rather liked, because not over given to sar
casm, and, quite capable of laughing at his own jokes; or rather the
jokes he has picked up and disseminates — such whimsies in their place
being very well, but out of it intolerable nuisances. Mr. Lark com
menced his vagaries in the still-room, when we were taking coffee,

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 55

placing the toast on the table, and the buttered bread to the fire ;
proffering the sugar to Miss Angelina ; inquiring of that lady if she
liked her tea — because, if not, she might lump it ; and upon our observing
some cracknels, as hard, the Lark said — it was harder where there were
none ; and that evening he completely confounded Mr. Brown, by in
forming the worthy gentleman — he had not seen him this year ! — no
thing very remarkable, considering it only three days' old ; but enough,
withal, to make Mr. Brown think of three hundred and sixty-five —
doubting the statement.

Now arrive the musicians, with a gentle knock : — up goes the harp
(like a huge blade-bone in baize), followed by the cornet, violin, and
pianist. We ascend : — Mrs. Brown popping and firing her parting in
junctions in every direction — at Alphonso, in the (library) coffee-room;
at Mr. Strap, by the door ; at John, by the foot of the stairs ; — and, I
was going to say, at the listless supernumerary footman, lolling over
the banisters ; who appeared in, or rather out of, character, by especial
desire, for this night only, being lent with the rout-seats at a sure
salary. As Mrs. Brown passed this latter gentleman in silence, we
could not help smiling — hoping she might have to think as well of his
powers as he did himself, and that alHitles entrusted to his care might
be safely delivered ; for we knew Mrs. Bramston would not be called
Brimstone, without turning fiery ; or Mr. Reynard Sly put up with
anything but Slee, though he may write it Sly, himself.

Having gained the drawing-room, and got fairly through the muslin-

56 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

barrier in the doorway, which made the staircase look as if in a fog,
we found the appearance within very gratifying — everything well out
of the way, and no stinting of wax -lights : — altogether exhibiting a
clearer stage than is often to be met with — some antique people invit
ing you to polk in an old curiosity shop ; — as, the other evening, at
the Dowager Lady Oldbuck's, young Whisk, of the Heavies, brought
down a buhl table, covered writh porcelain gimcracks ; a thing that Lark
observed — ought to cure itself, if people wished to save their Sevres.
Evening parties are not the slow things they used to be : — here the
back balcony is all evergreens and tissue-paper blossoms, lit up with
a Chinese lanthorn — looking like a fairy bower, tenanted by four gaping
gold-fish and a dissipated canary ; the little boudoir, beyond, so snug
in sage and silver, seeming but small accommodation for card-players.
We thought of Lady Oldbuck's — the valuable space occupied by cha-
perones and corpulent cronies, — blessing the new mode; — dances now
being given to dancers, not to dowagers and matrimonial slave-deal
ers, as heretofore. Mrs. Brown calculates her company; and think
ing there is enough for a quadrille in either room, she commences
to form them — pouncing, from time to time, upon timid young men
by the door, who are led forward, like lambs from a flock, to sacri
fice, — until the sets are completed — all but one couple — Mrs. Brown
stating herself "distressed for ladies;" — a combination of suffer
ing by no means acute, for she stood up herself, having engaged
the amiable young Slowcoach to fill the gap.

•g-

s

**

-^ THE QUADRILLE.

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 57

No sooner did the orchestra commence — barely having finished the
first eight bars of " the Martyrs", — than the guests came rushing up from
the coffee-room, like sheep through a hedge, one bolder than the rest
leading the way, causing Mrs. Brown to desert her partner in Vite — a
figure the gentleman feels bound to execute twice, though he would
much rather have been excused either performance ; and upon Mrs.
Brown's presenting a substitute he became so beside himself as to
forget the figure — a mishap rendered none the clearer by a wag's per
forming la pastorale, when he ought to have done trenise, and more
over, not have done it in such a facetious manner, as to render it a
matter of doubt if he himself could have recognized it ; the audacity
being accompanied by a certain amount of shyness, that had to be
hidden, altogether sadly deranging our amiable youth's comprehen
sion, he being led by his partner, instead of leading her — to be left,
alone, in a mental pillory, a specimen of blushing mortification more
diverting to behold than to experience ; — but, upon being kindly treated
by his gentle partner, he recovers, in the galop finale, feeling truly
grateful to the guardian spirit that has conducted him through the
purgatory. Ladies, be gentle with youthful bashfuhiess — it often
arises from pure feelings, modest diffidence, or unselfishness ; — such,
unlike many proficient dancers, carry their brains in their hats, and
not in their boots: — weigh your "fantastic-toes" against them, and
see wrhich are the most empty.

Somehow, the first quadrille is always unfortunate! — In the back

58 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

room they succeeded no better than in the front: — here, Miss Charmer
was top of the dance, as she always is, if it can be obtained ; especially in
the Lancers or Caledonians (which, we dare say, are pleasant quadrilles
to those who know them, and the Charmer does). Well, she is top, with
young Hoy (heir to Sir Hobbedy), for a partner, a brave youth at quoits,
cricket, boxing, or boating — his hands, horny as a tortoise and large as
Polyphemus', over which he split three right-hand gloves : — a glance will
suffice to show how much he is out of his, and she in her, element —
Miss Charmer looking, Lark said, as if she would prefer performing the
" first set" (or sit) upon a vacant seat, beside Arthur Beau, who has just
arrived, and by whom, we know, she disliked to be quizzed; — so, upon
the completion of the first eight bars, the Charmer flounced, bringing
the flounces of her dress into contact with the bars of the grate, causing
the smoke to come out, and Arthur to come round, that he might lean
upon the shelf, engage himself for the next dance, and stand behind the
fair partner, a fire-guard of honour, unable to keep from smiling at Mr.
Hoy, who dances upon his heels, as though enamoured of his large feet,
and afraid of knocking his head against the chandelier. Their vis-a-vis
is a lively lady, apparently taking stock of a bouquet, but, in reality,
joking an absent gentleman, opposite: — it is Miss Gay, whom Lark (her
partner) is making laugh, by observing — the gentleman is not so absent
as he ought to be ; causing that lady to forget herself — making many mis
takes and false starts ; which, being those of a person who knew better,
were very diverting. Miss Gay is voluble as volatile, no subject coming

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT OXCE A YEAR. 59

amiss — she is now speculating as to how far the gentlemen will permit
the buttons to travel down their backs, or their skirts to be curtailed ;
and Mr. Lark, unable to find a reason, must get up a contrary supposi
tion — imagining some middle-aged ladies to resemble a cork-screw, as
they have at different periods shifted the waist from the armpits down
ward : — waists making us think of the short lady (in this set) with a very
long one — Miss Price, only child of Alderman Price, chandler and dry-
salter, of Candle wick ward — daughter and hair, as Mr. Lark jocosely
observed, in allusion to the luxuriant red tresses of that lady ; — saying
her papa was the great crony of Sir Rich. Big, the free vintner, late of
Portsoken ward, who was found, or rather not found — having eva
porated of spontaneous combustion, before he could get to the civic
chair, — leaving all his money to Price ; who has retired, with his fat
and the gout, to Bayswater. Miss Price is a lovely dancer, appear
ing hollow ( a thing Miss Gay did not doubt ), like an India rubber
ball in flounces ; she is said to have a beautiful hand, so small as
to require only No. 6. gloves — as if a pigmy hand could not be a de
formity. She is invited, in a hope that young Brown may make her
a partner, for the dance of life ; and is said to be worth £150,000 —
not by the pound weight, as the envious Miss Gay hinted. — No !
No ! naughty Miss Gay, be satisfied with Nature's gifts, and do not
covet lucre.

Here comes young Brown, who has not danced before, to make
arrangements with Miss Gay, who has — and proved herself the belle

60 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

of the room ; — but, as gentlemen are now in the minority, she does
not hint at being " engaged for the next," or propose " the one
after."

There is a temporary lull, after the dance : — and in comes Captain
de Camp, looking like a macaw in a dress-coat, leading Lady Lucretia
do Camp, who resembles an apoplectic canary — so glittering is the amber
satin, — followed by the sons, who meander amongst the beaux and bare
shoulders, in search of the Miss Browns — dancing with no one else all
the evening, — causing the gentlemen to think very little of the De Camps,
and the ladies less of the Miss Browns. Now, then, for a polka ! — the
rattling "Post knock Polka! " — Off! away they go, after a great deal
of reluctance and playful diffidence as to who should lead off — Miss
Charmer with Arthur Beau, twirling round and round, in and out (like
an eel among skittles) ; followed by Mr. Latimer and Miss Jemima, who
evidently intended to do great things, but only cause confusions and
contusions, until they get knocked into the open space, in the centre of
the human vortex — the Charmer spinning, as a top that could not stop,
while the music continued, like the automata in front of a street organ.
There, there they go ! — that is Lord Towney — he who came with Mr.
Serjeant Wideawake, the Honourable Member for Bloomsbury — the
fellow who got acquainted with Brown, as brother-director of the "Dodo
Assurance," that didn't do, and was done up. His Lordship is son of
the Marquis of Mary-le-bone — he that is flying with the pink flounces,
— the buoyant, hollow, Miss Price, whose pretty button of a nose we do

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

61

believe was impressed with the bas
ket-work on her partner's fourth
shirt-stud. Round and round they
twist — backwards, forwards, and
sideways, — between parties parted,
and openings that close again, —
faster and faster, — smiling, frown
ing, and apologizing, — growing
swifter and swifter, — until the floor
snapped, and rebounded with an

awful crash.

* # * *

The visitors are in the room be
low — a scene of ruin and rueful
faces ; — the supper that was display
ed there, in all its state, is done for.
Alas ! — the chandelier has been
polked off the hook — a mishap in
which few sympathise, for the floor
is said to be safe ; Mr. Lark being
the first to propose their going above,
as he jokingly observed — to crack
the party -wall. Now, for that vastly -relished valse, the " Teetotum" —
liked none the less for the late excitement ! — deux temps against trois

62 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT OXCE A YEAR.

temps — the latter getting worsted ; and the Brown girls, who danced
every dance, with certain gentlemen, only, more and more unpopular.

As the evening progresses, the Wall-flowers become bolder; — some
finding partners for quadrilles ; others edging up to the vacant recesses,
rendering it now possible to get out at the door, and obtain air on the
landing — where several young fellows are congregated : — there young
Lark was laughing, we knew, at the Rev. Jewel St. Jones, the clerk
in orders at St. Stiffs, doing the cavalier seul — for we heard him say
something about early missal, or primitive Christian style, — joking the
reverend gentleman's partner, Miss what 's-her-name, the " lamp-post,"
from No. 4, Bury Court, St. Mary Axe — that washed-out, faint, fair
creature, — she, that looks as if you could see the back buttons of her
dress through from the front — that lady — well, do you see her ? — It is
said her mother keeps her in a dark closet, that she may look like a
consumptive geranium : — however, Mr. Lark said he did not believe
it ; and, as no one said they did, the matter ended. The stairs soon
become a popular observatory — several Wall-flowers joining the knot ;
one of whom mildly remarks something about three silver-grey silks,
in the fore-ground, and their being " much worn ;" which Mr. Lark
fully agreed in, as, he said, they appeared to have been turned several
times — a joke, at which the Wall-flower faintly smiles, for the three sil
ver-greys are his sisters: — however, nothing daunted, he is at it again,
remarking upon marriage, and people that look married; illustrating
his theory by pointing out the juvenility of an aunt, who he says is a

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 63

virgin: — Lark retorting — " virging on fifty !" — a notification that begets
much laughter, making the Wall-flower feel at a discount, and more
than ever desire to say something smart ; so, he pitches upon a gentle
man with parenthetical (bowed) legs, observing that Brown has in
vited his tailor ; moreover, wagering two to one, that if the gentleman,
so libelled, were asked to look at the splashes on the calf of his leg,
he would take it up in front, and examine it in his hand, like a nabob or
tailor, used to sit upon the floor ; were he a Christian, he would look
at it over his shoulder : — here the Wall-flower turned for applause,
looking over his own shoulder to illustrate the anecdote — there to dis
cover, Captain de Camp, the gentleman who introduced " Parenthesis,"
a staff doctor, from Woolwich (at least so the Captain said). But
here we will leave them to proceed below, and see how matters pro
gress in the supper-room : —

The chandelier, the treacherous culprit, that would not swing or
hang in chains, is being borne away, clanking along the lower hall ; the
broken glass has been picked out of the pastry, and the oily odour
overcome with esprit de bouquet — presenting, withal, a very effective
coup- d1 ceil: — though, we could fancy the tipsy-cake, in the form of a
leaning-tower, if anything, a little more groggy ; and that the composite
Corinthian temple looked as if it had suffered from an earthquake — but
there it was, for all the intense remorse of the cook, who thought the
exhibition of so mutilated a work of art would injure his reputation for
ever — but it did not ! — Neither did any one notice the loss of the frail

64 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

effeminate brigand, that formerly tenanted the rotunda of barley-sugar ;
nor was it known that a treadmill had given place to a locomotive and
tender — in sweets.

The first portion of this banquet disappears merrily ; there being no
lack of the usual conserves, pasties, and geometrical bread-envelopes
— supposed to contain something, but consumed without the slightest
knowledge of their contents.

After the ladies have supped and withdrawn, the gentlemen lay to,
with immense energy, as if to make up for the time they have been
kept in suspense, creating great havoc amongst ruined fowls, or any
thing they can lay hands upon — in the excitement, particularity having
given place to mirth. One gentleman has planted a spoon in his button
hole, after the fashion of a flower ; and, of course, for his pains, got
called a " Spooney," by an unknown voice behind Mr. Potts, the tame
apothecary, who is pouring, or rather measuring out, some cham
pagne, himself, catching the final drop on the edge of the glass, as if
it were castor-oil : — the " Spooney," thinking it Potts' voice, must make
a joke in return ; so begins with the rather hackney 'd, but, as he
thought, appropriate one, of champagne feeing better than real pain or
quinine wine ; and, upon Mr. P.'s essaying to answer, our " Spoon"
diverted to some tongue he was consuming, saying he liked it better
than Potted tongue — an observation that made the apothecary's face
flush, and the " Spoon" liken it to an article before them, a claret-mug.
At this last allusion the " Pott" got red-hot, and there is no knowing

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 65

what would have been the consequences, had not the " Spoon" terrified
the " Pott" by proclaiming " silence ! " — in a stentorian voice ; — and a
gentleman risen, Dr. Portbin, the author of that elaborate essay on
" Dribbling Babies," in one thick volume, royal octavo — a work that
nobody read, but everybody thought a great deal of, for it gained its
author a vast infantine practice: — so, when the M.D. rose, the " Pott"
trembled — feeling greatly relieved to find the doctor only did so to
propose the "ladies" — "health and long life to Mrs. Brown and the
ladies ! " — a toast that was drunk with great enthusiasm, Mr. Lark vo
ciferously applauding; at the same time stating, in an under tone —
" the doctor meant a long life of ills and bills." Dr. Portbin's sentiment
is echoed by Mr. Brown, who returns thanks in a stereotype-speech,
almost as original as a royal one ; to which, in some points, it bore slight
resemblance, the ideas being very much generalized — there was an
" alliance with foreign powers," " acquisition of territory," and " friendly
relations:" — altogether a prosperous allegory, which causes Captain
de Camp to be " called upon ;" and, in that style of speech usually
denominated " neat," give very visible vent to his inexpressible feel
ings — sketching several scenes, commencing at Victoria Villa and
ending at St. Stephen's, — with a verse, intended to look as if composed
for the nonce ; but, in reality, a work of much study : — it was de
livered with great emphasis — a composition for which we had to
blush, though, as faithful chroniclers, feel bound to insert — it ran as
follows : —

66 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

" Victoria and Albert 's big

With city's wealth and soldier's'glory :
To Army, Queen, and Country swig :

Improve, my friends, and prove the Tory ! "

We do not think the Captain quite liked the word " swig," but he
could find no better in "Walker's Rhyming Dictionary ;" or the last
expression — but Conservative could not be lugged in any how: — how
ever, we must say, this ostensible improvisatorial effort produced a
grand effect, and a greater noise ; which had scarcely subsided, when
Mr. Serjeant Wideawake, the Honourable Member for Bloomsbury,
and author of " Lays of a Liberal," rose to retort, saying, —

** We beg to doubt your precious rig,
And I '11 tell you another story :
To improve is to be a whig ;
But not to improve-is-a-tory ! "

The effect of this latter burst of poetic fire was truly electric ; it
completely extinguished the Captain's impromptu glimmer, lighting
up that gallant bosom with a passion of another kind — he feels miser
ably "put out;" — and, like a dying rush-light in its last moments,
seemed determined to end with a spark of unusual brightness. The
Captain stood erect, awaiting his opportunity ; but, alas ! — it was one
that never came ; for the ventriloquist, that caused the rupture between
Mr. Potts and the " Spooney," made the " Lion" wince, by observing,
"he hoped there would be no cruelty to animals" — a remark that

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

67

th

made our " Lion" roar
contemptuously, and call
the company " bears and
monkeys" — he growling,
with blood-thirsty pug
nacity, about " satisfac
tion" and " Chalk Farm,"
— the declamatory mania
causing the irascible mon
ster to mount a projec
tion in the recess, cover-
a curtain, bringing down

n avalanche of fenders, fire-irons,
nd other stowage, with a fearful
crash — crowning the "king of beasts"
with a helmet-scuttle, — thus permit
ting the meaner animals to escape ; leaving, as Mr. Lark (who came out
last) said, between frightful gusts of laughter oozing from his hand
kerchief, Jackall Brown, the lion's provider, pacifying the enraged
brute with claret or soda water ; and John in such an extreme fit of
awe, that he has taken the state jug, with the hole in the bottom
stopped with sealing-wax — only intended to hold cold water, into use,
for hot ; and, being unable to stop the orifice with his finger, drops
the article — to the scalding of the already enfuriated " Lion."

68 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

Feet were pattering above as we left this scene of strife — no time
seeming to have been lost during the consumption of the supper ;
for the hands of the clock, in the hall, pointed to an earlier hour
than they did when we descended : — the truth being, Lark, though
rather fast himself, thought Time too much so, and put him back
a little. The Wall-flower is comparing the clock "with his repeater.
Lark is reprimanding him, saying — it is not etiquette to do so ; and
that really some one ought to tell the vulgar thing, in green satin,
who wore her button of a watch-face outward (fearing lest it should
be taken for a locket), to turn the bauble round, for it is time she
was in bed.

Having been absent for a short period, we were informed by the
Lark that we had not lost a treat — for Jemima had been singing,
" Memory, be thou ever true ! " — whilst Lark ( perpetrating a dreary
pun) said, he every moment wished the music-stool would prove a
fall setto, and precipitate the lady to the ground; for it was a sad
pity to hear poor Spohf 's songs so murdered.

They are now at a waltz — " the Olga," — which is carried on with
spirit, lasting a very long while — young Lark saying he does not waltz,
for it makes his head swim ; and that he has an objection to stand
holding by the shelf, experiencing a sensation delightful as standing

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT OtfCE A YEAR. 69

upon one's head in a swing, before a lady that ought to have your best
attention ; — however, for all Lark's protestations, we saw some one
sided smiles, as much as to say, his vulnerable part, like that of
Achilles, lay in the heels — an insinuation Lark could well afford to
allow, for he does not live to dance, alone, like some sage, perfect,
performers.

After the " Caledonians" and another polk (which, for diversion, young
Brown has danced to the tune of the " College-hornpipe" — a pleasing
eccentricity), followed a quadrille, a la Franpaise, danced without sides,
in two very long lines — a style reported to have been imported from
a Casino, and not held to be proper by sober people. So, Potts got a
disgust for the polka, and thought it improper — a dance he never
patronised or wished to — it being too fast for the dull apothecary ! —
he hated it, because once an inveterate polkist nearly knocked his
patella, or knee-pan, off, with some hard substance in the flying tails of
the dancer's dress-coat — a huge street-door key, that ought to have
been left in the palet6t.

Our evening is drawing to a close : — the mouths in the boudoir are
assuming the shape of elongated O's — an epidemic that has extended to
the Wall -flowers; the "harp" has accompanied his instrument with
fitful snores ; the " violin " scarcely knows the back from the front
of his fiddle, or the " cornet " which end to blow into ; — yet, upon being
asked for "Roger de Coverley," they make a desperate effort to
awake, for they know it to be the last dance — which is supported by

70 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

the whole strength of the company, — Captain de Camp leading off
with Mrs. Brown, and Mr. Brown with Lady Lucretia. Thus ends
the Christmas Ball !

The still-room is being besieged for coffee ; and there is a great dif
ficulty in obtaining hats and coats — unfortunately few of the tickets cor
responding, — for Alphonso's ward was precipitated down the kitchen
stairs, it having been too heavily laden. Lady and Miss Highbury are
seen to their carriage by Mr. Lark, who departs in Lord Towney's
cab, with a "Gibus" hat, mechanically deranged — all wrinkles, like
a jockey's boot. Upon being asked, by a Ian thorn-bearer, " if his Honor
has such a thing as a pint o' beer in his pocket ? " Mr. Lark, with
playful irony, informs the supernumerary that malt liquor is not a
solid, neither is it to be obtained at evening parties.

To and fro, flit the Jack-o'-lanthorns, respectfully touching the bind
ing of their battered hats, covering the tiers of muddy wheels with their
coat-tails, that the tulle and tartelaine may not be spoiled — hoping
your Honour will " remember" them! — as they cast uncertain shadows
upon the icy pavement — ice that has been rendered none the less
slippery by their cutting out a slide upon it, with the assistance of the
police, during the evening : — such a banging of doors, clashing of steps,
and stopping up the way, under the little awning, over the carriage-
sweep — a pretty pass, so narrow that, we are sorry to say, the hackney-
drivers instituted a private road amongst the hardy shrubs, choking up
the gates, to the great distress of pedestrians, who are looked upon by

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 71

the " lanthorns" as " shabby gents," — paying nothing for the privilege of
walking ; — they (the " lanthorns ") viewing the immunity, in the light
of parsimony. However, we think walking home, after a party, under
the influence of champagne, a dangerous experiment: — the clear free
streets seeming to court a " lark," and the very bells to invite pulling —
"Visitors'," and "Night," "Knock and Ring," (and run) also.

We have since heard the fate of a rash expedition undertaken at this
season, the band of adventurers consisting mostly of those gentlemen
who had passed the last half-hour dying for a cigar ; and yet, by some
unknown attractive power, felt bound to stay the entertainment out —
probably it was that such kindred souls might depart en masse ; how
ever, be it what it might, their first care was to obtain a light — at some
sacrifice, for the lamp-post had been newly painted ; and, secondly,
happening to pass Mr. Spohf 's, they must serenade that gentleman
with pathetic negro-melodies — about the loss of one "Mary Blane,"
and an injunction to " Susannah" not to sob, — until driven by the
police into another beat, there to lose one of their band, who fell
a victim to an inquiring spirit ; — for, seeing an inscription on a door,
to intimate that its owner, a surgeon, gave " advice, gratis, between
the hours of four and five, every Saturday," he rang to demand the
same (having the head-ache), as it was just that time by St. Stiff's ;
but, unfortunately falling into the clutches of No. 8, of the A divi
sion, he had to receive the advice, from a magistrate, between eleven
and twelve, at a fee of five shillings.

72

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

We left Mr. Lark in Lord Towney's cab— again
to take up with him, being put down at the end of
Bloomsbury Buildings, fearing the rattle of wheels
in that quiet cul-de-sac would disturb the old Larks.
Having found the door, and spent five minutes by
the hinges — searching for the key-hole, he gets
within ; and spends five more — trying to ignite an
extinguisher ; — cautiously stealing to bed, throwing
his paletbt over the top banister, and the contents of
its pockets down the well-staircase, to the awaken
ing of the whole house.

At Victoria Villa the last guest has gone : — the
-Ijj- De Camps have gone — departed with cordiality and

ji love for all that is Brown, at the same time sadly

f mortified with the impression made on that worthy
gentleman's friends. Mrs. Brown, worn out and

T exhausted, has given a parting glance round, with
her night-lamp, and panted up to-bed ; the Misses

t Brown have retired to their chambers ; John feels
very much inclined to proclaim his opinion of the

ii, Captain, but is fearful of the consequences; and
Mr. Strap, who has fallen a victim to his weak
ggy point — strong drink, is rendered thereby quite inca
pable of making either a base to his person, or a fluent

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR, 73

speech, as it seems he wished ; for, upon meeting Mr. Brown by the
stairs, he made a rush at the esteemed proprietor of that name, pro
phetically bidding him to " B-B-Beware of Captings in w-w-w-wolf s
clo-o-othing, fur all isn't gug-gug-gold as gl-1-l-litters, as the Rev-rind
Miss-s-s-ster B-B-Bucket observes, in the Proverbs of Sol'mon's songs."
Mr. Strap, after having delivered these sentiments, in what might have
been called a sotto voice, to an imaginary Mr. Brown (for the reality
had withdrawn to bed), performs an unsuccessful backward movement
upon his heels — as if to survey his victim, — coming to the ground ;
where he lay until borne off by John, who thinks him a valiant fool.

The persevering Brown, though much fatigued, does not postpone
the Diary : — " JANUARY 4th, Friday — Execrable Friday! — We this day
gave our Annual Ball — we, indeed ! — why I knew nothing about it un
til all the cards had been despatched. Mrs. Brown asks — just as Tom
does, if he may have the sugar, when it is half consumed : — It was Mrs.
Brown's ball in every sense. I did hope to have experienced more en
joyment for the money. I have many a time been happier at half the
price ; — ay, happier when I was clerk at Chizzle and Filch 's, in Alder-
manbury ; but, somehow, I suppose a man must make sacrifices for his
friends, as penurious old Chizzle did, when he paid the debt of nature,
and left to me that he could not take away ! Not that I ever made any
sacrifices for Spohf — no, he never asked it ; — cheap trusty friendship is
something ! — I must own to feeling, all the evening, as if my collar had
too much starch therein ; and more out of place in my own house than

H

74 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

the ' white neckerchiefs' that waited at supper. I am like a fish out of
water, and that fish, a flat-fish — caught with a bit of red rag ; however,
there must be a great deal in use — another element may be delightful,
when used to it. There is no doubt my old friend Wideawake's at
tack upon the Captain was mere envy ; and as to his insinuating that I
should never eat a peck of salt with that man — to say I shall never
know that man, is preposterous ! — as to eating the literal peck, no
man, probably, will do that ; for the Captain has an aversion to saline
food, saying it makes the bones soft. I wonder if it has the same
effect upon brains ! — We shall see, Wideawake — we shall see : —let this
page bear testimony ! I hope the briny ocean may not swallow up
the Captain's luggage."

Victoria and Albert slumber late on the morning of the 5th : —
Alphonso is the first up — or rather down, having rolled off his uncom
fortable bed, constructed upon four chairs, in the drawing-room. Mrs.
Brown, too, must have risen on the wrong side of her teaster, so testy
is she this morning — thanking her stars that Twelfth-day has arrived,
to put an end to the Christmas miseries! — Soon, now, will that little
pest, Tom, be packed back to " Tortwhack House ;" and the juvenile
party, of to-day, it is hoped may appease some rampant mammas un
invited to the grand reunion — rendering any petty excuses that may
be given the more feasible.

The day rolls rapidly away, though not with half the speed Master
Brown could desire — the hands of the hall-clock appearing to creep so,

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 75

that every time Tom passed it (arid that was not seldom), he stopped to
see if it was going, the day seeming most unusually long, and night as if
it never would come ; but it did ! — firstly, bringing the little " Merry s,"
from Hope Cottage, the Tudor lodge, next-door-but-one — Master Wal
ter Merry being the first to answer Tommy's nubbly note of invitation,
in intoxicated text capitals, that appeared to be making a desperate
effort to run off the paper, at the right-hand corner, leaving no room
to " remain," and scarcely any to " please turn over ;" so folded was it,
to give the desired angular form, that the paper looked as if it had
been used to make five hundred geometrical cocks and boats.

Tom met the Merry s with such fervent joy, that he never thought
they had healths, or anything else to ask after; his only object, seem
ing to be the finding of his friend, who is rolled, like a mummy, in
numberless boas and shawls : — during the process of unswathing, which
was no easy job to one in a hurry, so artfully were the pins introduced,
Master Tommy treats his friend Walter to a railroad retrospective
review of the good things in store — recounting all the " lummy" things
left yesterday ; — telling about the " nobby" Christmas tree Captain de
Camp gave them — though his ma' did say it was "a pretty give!" — it
was stolen out of his father's garden. — My father 's a jolly sight richer
than your 's — he has more trees in his garden — ain't we got a " swag" of
nuts, and a "plummy" twelfth-cake — my father won it at an art-
union, in the city ! I am to draw King — if I don't, just see how I '11
cry !- — Mercy Merry shall be Queen. You shall have Punch off the

76

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

cake ; and ma' says I shall have " Rule Britannia," as soon as the waves
and ice have melted away.

Now a knock brings more
visitors, the Masters Young, in
all the ungainliness of hobble-
dyhoyhood — that transmigra-
tory period when coat-tails
are first developed: — they
have come with their sister
Flora, a lovely bud, expected
" out" next season. Here are
the Bells, the Petits, and the
little Larks, with their big
brother, the " jolly Lark," who
made his debut over the top of
the drawing-room-door, stand
ing upon the shoulders of your humble servant ; who felt the "jolly
Lark" anything but light, and no joke — though the juveniles must have
thought it so, for we could hear their merry peals of laughter ringing
joyously, dispelling the silence that had hitherto prevailed, overturn
ing the sage injunctions of proper mammas, who teach their children
to behave " pretty" — thinking good and quiet synonymous. Somehow,
the little fellows, unfortunately, take the Lark for Mr. Spohf, who has
hitherto done the funny in a refined style, scarcely to be imagined — an

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 77

elegant, amiable, fun, — a mixture of the buffoon and gentleman, the
sublime and the ridiculous, quite marvellous to behold, — making our
little friend (who you are aware was moulded in one of Nature's odd
freaks) appear, to tender imaginations, almost supernatural. The mis
take and misplaced approbation is very galling to Mrs. Brown ; so much
so that she becomes angry with the tea-urn, and, in turn, burns her
fingers — venting her ire in the shape of a box on the ears of Master
Bold, who ventured to hint Mr. Spohf's absence a "jolly shame;" and,
now vows to tell his mamma — a thing it is very evident Mrs. Brown
does not wish, for she has shown a great deal of favour and contrition
towards the young gentleman since.

The tea-tray having been removed, the burners of the chandelier
heightened, and the Snuffle family had their row of little noses polished
by the eldest sister, preparations begin: — Miss Jemima playing the
pretty little " Hop o'my Thumb Polka," and Tom, who has been sitting
very quietly beside Mercy Merry (vowing to marry her at fourteen, for
"his father is so rich that he would give him five pounds a year to live
upon"), leads off, much to the mortification of those boys who will not
be " young gentlemen" — the many who won't, can't, and shan't dance !
but, being bent upon mischief, dispose explosive spiders and chair-
crackers about the carpet ; — one little mischievous fellow wishing he had
brought some pepper to strew on the floor, and make 'em sneeze ; how
ever, they get up a little excitement another way with the sofa-pillows,
a sharn fight, in which a parian Amazon falls beside Marian Bell, who

78 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

" didn't go to do it ;" so dancing is relinquished for games to suit all par
ties : — Hunt the Slipper, a sport carried on with great spirit, until it is
found there are slippers enough for three — a thing everybody holds to
be cheatery: — so that game is abandoned for Blind-man's-buff, the mere
mention of which, carries us back to childhood ; and, as authors often
lug in their thoughts (bits of nature) very unceremoniously, and at odd
times, we may, possibly, be pardoned or praised for so doing. Well,
we never hear mention of this game but we think of a bump we once
received during the sport, our blind ardour causing us to flounder in a
fender, and bruise our head, the remains of which will be taken to the
" long home." Well do we remember the spotted turban worn on that
occasion — for we recollect, at the time, thinking " Belcher" a new term,
just coined ; — having our crown rubbed with brandy and taking a little
internally, which appeared attracted by that externally, for it got in
our head and made us very merry, causing the hiccups to such an
extent, that we were called Sir Toby Belch of " Twelfth Night ; or,
What you Will" notoriety (having drawn that character). Thus, brandy,
Belchers, and Blind-man's-buff, hold an indissoluble partnership in our
memory — a remnant of those days when we imagined a Jew incapable
of dealing in other merchandise than old clothes ; or of shaving like a
Christian, or, if he did, would do other than expose a pendant chin,
resembling the vertebra of a horse's tail. Oh ! those days have flown —
days when we imagined peas split by hand, and thought humanity fools
for not making soup with whole ones — but we are sadly digressing ! —

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

79

" It 's not fair ! " cry twenty voices — " the blind man can see ;" and so he
could, for he always caught Miss Brown, who, afraid of the piano or pier-
glass, would stand in the way : — so that sport is relinquished for cake
and Characters ; the former seeming to afford great gratification, and
the latter little, save to the King and Queen— all other characters being,
like the riddles, " given up," — no one car
ing to know when a sailor is not a sailor ? —
when he 's a-board: or to be bored with a
door 's being a-^'ar, and a man ^-shaving.

The rich cake is soon a ruin ; so much is
every part of it relished, that one young
gentleman has consumed the head and
shoulders of Madame Alboni, under a de
lusion of her being sugar, and not "plas
ter of parish," as Mrs. Brown afterwards
said it was. The little fellows soon get
very mirthful on the ginger- wine ; keep
ing up a continual buzz, like a colony of
bees, sadly itching to be at something
— a wish that is not to be realized at once, for little Miss Newsoince
is going to do that eternal tattoo, the "Rataplan;-" — yes, there she
is, in Tom's felt-hat and polonaise, as" La Vivandidre, "thumping upon
an empty band-box with two knitting-pins, singing, as some of the
mammas say, very prettily ; but as the boys, who have heard it many

80 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

times before, designate it " a jolly bother ! " — " a great big shame ! " —
" a precious dummy set out ! " — and so on, — there being no fun in it.

This hum-drum over, a great cry is raised for Forfeits ! — and a desire
that a lady should go out in a very great hurry, as it would appear,
almost in a state of destitution; for every young lady and gentleman
proffers to stand for some article of dress. Having settled what they will
give, all sit round upon chairs, ready to hear the lady's demands : — spin
goes the trencher, and she wants her Stockings ! — forward fly the hose,
personated by a little fellow, with mottled legs, who had never stood in
other than socks, but for all that can catch the revolving waiter, look sly
ly at Bonnet, make him think it his turn, and impudently call out " Cap /"
— so Bonnet and Cap knock head to head, tumble on the trencher,
and get fined. Bonnet shouts "Boots!" — Boots begets "Bustle!" — and
Bustle begets a grand stir, by calling "Double Toilet!" — causing the
whole wardrobe to leap from every chair, in every direction, a general
confusion, — in which the Boa slips off his seat, and forfeits a twenty-
bladed knife, The Boa, spinning the tray again, calls "Muff!" — who,
not being on the alert, arrives when the waiter has wabbled its last, so
the .M^has to pay a forfeit ; but having nothing eligible upon his per
son, is found a substitute, in a very ugly China pug-dog, afterwards called
" a very pretty thing" by Miss Angelina to Miss Jemima, who awarded
the penalties, like a blind Justice saying her prayers, passing sentence, in
the lap of the judge, who demands — "Here 's a pretty thing, a very pretty
thing ; and ivhat is the owner of this very pretty thing to be done to ? "

HERE'S A LADY GOING OUT, IN A
VERY GREAT HURRV, AND SHE WANTS-

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 81

Angelina sentencing the owner of the pretty pug to take a very pretty
young lady into the corner, and spell " op-por-tu-ni-ty" — a spell the Muff
does not seem to know lies in taking the opportunity to kiss the fair one,
though he has all the evening been admiring her vastly, and would have
given anything for such a chance ; but next, having to " lie the length of
a looby, the breadth of a booby " $c., he is eminently successful — yet,
who shall say the ungainly cub may not one day be an ornament to so
ciety ! Poor Muff! he has no mother or sisters — the only specimens
of girlhood known to him are the maids at home, and the school-mas
ter's daughter, that dines with the parlour-boarders at Addle House :
— brave boy, thou art clever, but semi-civilized ! More "pretty things"
are being redeemed — fans, gloves, lockets, handkerchiefs, and chate
laines, — all their owners being appropriately "done to:" — the Boa
condemned to "bite a yard off the poker;" and the Visit e to "salute
the one he likes best" — which Garters fancies will be her; so, she em
braces the table-pillar, and he the Berthe, instead — kissing her, sadly
to the mortification of Garters, who did think the honour worth some
trouble. Jemima and Angelina, having disposed of the judicial pawn-
brokering establishment, stroke down their skirts, and send round the
currant-wine ; whilst Master Tom and a few other daring youths con
sume lighted candle-ends, made of turnip, with almond wicks ; and the
merry little man, Lark, who can no more be quiet than a robin in a rat-
trap, is now hopping with a paper tail, composed of this evening's
" Sun" — a sun that seems to be incombustible, for the boys are trying

82

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR,

to ignite it, but cannot, — only waxing Mr. Lark's pantaloons very much
in the rear, and putting the candles out — a trick that caused no end of
diversion, not only to the performers, but to every one ; who laughed
immoderately, more particularly when Mr. Lark led down Mrs. Brown
to supper, the antimacassar adhering to his trowsers — the wax, upon
sitting down, causing it to stick there.

THE CHRISTMAS TREK

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 83

This brings us to the supper-table, and the Christmas tree, with its
blossoms of light — a very peculiar species of shrub : — we have heard of
box-trees, plane-trees, lady's slippers, and sun-flowers, but never re
member to have seen or heard of a toy and candle-tree, figured in any
work on botany; nor should we have thought our little friends had
ever beheld one before, for the brilliant supper seemed but small attrac
tion compared with the illuminated fir — all eyes appeared attracted to
the quarter in which it stood ; and when the youthful company were
introduced to it, after the banquet, we felt glad the lower boughs were
out of the reach of the younger branches, or they might, in their eager
ness, have pulled it out of the disguised tub. As it was, some of the
recipients took the fruit intended for others : — for instance, Stephen
Sharp ate all Miss Standby's basket of sweets, and then demanded the
story-book that had his name attached to it. All the fruit was not edi
ble, for we saw an apple that tasted very much of the wood, being full
of pips resembling doll's tea-things ; whilst, upon suction, the pears
emitted musical sounds ; and a biffin, like a pincushion, had the
flavour of bran — probably it was bran-new.

The tree, now stript, is quite devoid of interest ; for, upon Mr. Lark's
starting some fun in the corner, none lingered by, not even to listen to
the bird-organ, that appeared to play under the table. Yes ! there was
Lark, at it again — doing anything to please ! — Generous Lark ! — his
face covered with a white handkerchief, a portion tucked in his mouth,
over all wearing a pair of spectacles, with pupils (currants abstracted

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR,

from a mince-pie) stuck thereon, causing the Lark to look very curi
ous and odd — the children wondering what he will be at next! — for now,
you must know, he has gone to prepare another excitement ; being in
the drawing-room, whilst the visitors are in the parlour — curious beyond

all description, be-
Mr. Brown, who is
back against the
egress, just to per-
which, after a slight
they rushing, pell-
ing-room, there to
broom blazing in
recess covered with
ed by forks. In

seeching the junior
standing with his
door, to prevent
mit them to depart ;
contest, he does —
mell, to the draw-
find an old birch-
the grate, and the
two sheets suspend-
front of the sheets

is a table ; whilst in front of that table, stand the wondering little
crowd, speculating as to what the burning broom can have to do with
it, when a dwarf old dame appears, through a slit in the drapery — as
perfect a dwarf as ever breathed, — but three feet high, and so really true
that no one for a moment doubts her identity or vitality. " She is a
Witch ! " cry all, that has come down the chimney. The dame bows ac
quiescence, with numberless courtseys, telling the little company of her
immense age and adventures — recounting her history : — about the large
family she kept in the shoe ; about the refractory pig, that would not
get over the stile ; and her wonderful travels, to sweep cobwebs from

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 85

the sky ; so, after having danced a hornpipe ; deplored the loss of her
carriage (broom} ; demanded the grunting pig, behind the curtain, to be
quiet ; and scraped an infinity of courtseys, she vanishes : — the sharpest
boy in the room, Master Bold, rushing down stairs to catch a glimpse
of her, but only seeing us, in our shirt sleeves, wonders the more ! —
par parenthhe — we were one of the performers, escaping, to make room
for the Galanti show. So, whilst we leave the company to be amused
thereby, we will, with the kind permission of Mr. Lark, instruct you
how to construct an old dame ; and afterwards tell the effect it had
upon our audience : —

Firstly, procure a pair of small shoes and stockings — these place
upon your hands (which are to represent feet) ; next, tie round your
neck a short coloured pinafore, reaching down to your hands (or rather
the old dame's feet) — this will represent a gown; now, place your
shoed hands upon a table, to see effect ; gird the gown with a pro
portionate apron, the strings of which will bind your arms and body
together at the chest ; put on a false nose, a pair of spectacles, a lady's
frilled night-cap, and a comical conical hat; add a little red cloak, and
draw the table up to a window or recess, the curtains of which pin at
the back of your shoulders ; and standing thus, with your hands (the
old dame's feet) upon the table, you will represent the most perfect
little dwarf (without arms) you can imagine ; the hands are to be sup
plied by an accomplice, behind the curtain, who is to suit the action of
those hands to the pleasantries you may invent. Thus, having given

86 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

the necessary instructions, we leave the rest to be supplied by the
actor ; who may, if he pleases, render the old dame a medium of much
merry conceit and pleasant mirth. Well do we remember the impression
made at this party ; for, as before stated, we performed the arms from
behind the curtain, through which we occasionally peeped, getting a
good view over the shoulders of Mr. Lark (the old dame), witnessing
the astonished gaping gaze of the servant, who happened to enter the
apartment at the moment, and stood transfixed to the spot, until the
effigy had escaped. One little boy was so impressed with the illusion,
that he actually went below, with some venturesome companions, in
search of her ; but soon returned, rushing up stairs in a state of extreme
terror, declaring to us (as he kept his eyes towards the door, fearing
every moment she would appear), that he had seen the old dame, and
heard her pig ; the truth being, one of the party had grunted in a dark
corner of the lobby, and frightened the youth, who eventually became
a prey to intense mental anxiety — a trembling fear we attempted to
dispel, without success, until we bore the little fellow below, he cling
ing tightly to us. In the lobby Mr. Lark showed the scared youth our
trick, piece-meal — in the end, pacifying the young gentleman, though
much do we think the old dame and her pig will never be forgotten
by him : — he may grow to manhood, have children, loves and cares in
numerable, traverse the seas, know war and famine, yet do we think
the old dame will stand boldly out, like a giant image in the desert of
the past — far more so than the Galanti show, exhibited afterwards,

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 87

because really alive, and capable of reason ! — Though, we had more rea
son to remember the show ; for, the men who performed it hung their
hats and coats beside Mr. Lark's, and our own ; which, upon leaving,
they did not identify : — though, we think they ought ; as ours were con
siderably newer — one of their hats being a cap, and the other of dirty
white felt!

After the departure of the show, we got up some sport with the
sheets upon which it had been performed, exhibiting our eyes through
a hole, therein ; those on the obverse trying to guess the proprietor of
others on the reverse — all the owners of bright eyes much enjoying the
sport. But to recount the many pranks played by youthful blood that
evening, would require a volume — everybody proposing everything ; and
everybody else, disliking the thing proposed, suggests some other : — one
wanting Hunt the Whistle ; a second, to act Charades ; and a third, some
practical joke of the old school, such as the game we played with Mr.
Lark, called Porcelain Mesmerism, deceiving the little innocents into
a belief that men are simple — much more so than they will find them,
upon arriving at maturity ! — There we sat (two full-grown fools) staring
at each other, with plates of water in our hands, the bottom of one
sooty, the other clean! — There we sat, face to face, alternately rubbing
the bottoms of the plates, and stroking our physiognomies, in mockery
of each other — Mr. Lark getting his face blacked like a sweep, — the
youngsters laughing at his silliness ! — Oh, that a little smut should
produce such ecstatic mirth !

88

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

<-=»Kt,

There is Walter Merry, looking like an eel in convulsions — imagining
he has been here about an hour: — you should have seen the expression
of the little fellow, when Mrs. Brown gently tapped him on the shoul
der, saying, " Master Merry, you 're fetched !" Time was annihilated,
and memory dumbfounded ! — The entertainment that had been looked
forward to for days, counted by the hours, and put so many mammas
in a pother, is gone ! — The hands of the hall-clock are almost per
pendicular — it wants but half-an-hour of midnight! — Several anxious

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

89

MASTER MERRY AS HE APPEARED WHEN HE WAS " FETCHED " ! ! !

mammas have sent several times for their several little ones ; and the
several servants have been sent away with several evasive answers — for
" the little dears are enjoying themselves so much !" — " Mrs. Brown's
compliments to Mrs. Fidgets, and would she permit the little Fidgets
to stay just ten minutes longer ?" No ! — the Fidgety footman is only
to depart with them ; so he is sent to the servants' hall, there to wait,
whilst snap-dragon is being prepared in the library — that the even
ing may end with a grand blue-fire tableaux. The room resembles
the Black Hole of Calcutta ! — Hundreds of little itching fingers are

90

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

longing to be amongst that pound of raisins, in spirits — all eager, as imps,
for the fiendish sport ; the darkness and suspense rendering it very ex
citing — causing Master Jewel (a model hoy), who is "wanted directly,"

to make no answer from the sable mass ; until, the summons being
repeated, he says something that sounds very like " shan't come !" —
and, Master Jewel does not come, until he has had his portion of the
fiery fpod that is flying about in every direction.

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

91

END OF JUVENILE PARTY.
MASTER BROWN FEELS AS IF HE HAD HAD A GOOD MANY GOOD THINGS.

During the last hour Cook and John have held a soiree below, to all
the neighbouring domestics, who are awaiting to escort home their
little masters and mistresses — they are regaling upon ale and sand
wiches, in the servants' hall ; whilst that most interesting topic, " every
body's business," is being discussed : — Mrs. Pest's maid assuring all,
upon her sacred word and honour, that Mrs. Pest is not a angel, or
the " Pest-house" a paradise, though it may look pretty over the gar
den-wall ; and, moreover, Mrs. P.'s maid said she were of opinion the
public knowed it, too ; for t 'other night some one painted out the fust

92 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

letters, ag'in our door-post — making the direction, at the corner of
the lane, " Placid Vale," read " acid ale" instead, — no compliment, as
the maid said, to Mr. "Pest, Pewter, and Co.'s Entire;" — at the same
time observing, that it sarved 'em right ! And, " as I hope, afore next
Heaster, to lose my blessed Virgin Mary name, I 'd go — if it wer'n't for
the pale-ale-tory circumstances, I 'd warn Missus ! It was only yester
day, jist arter Mr. Pest had gone to Brewhus, in Liquorish St., that we
had a scrimmage about flounces ; and jist as I was a-going to fling my
resignation at her — 'tending to go out every evenin', till the month was
up, in a gound zactly like Missus' own (lilock, with seven flounces) —
well, jist when I was on the pint o' naming the word, I think'd o' little
Ned Pest ; and, as I loved the dear little fellow more than a paltry frock,
I con'scended to stay!" Here the gardening-groom at the " Snuggery,"
opposite, grinned and winked horribly, observing something about little
Ned's being a "surfeit of finery" — finery that had to be shown and aired,
— airing begetting the society of aubun viskers and hofficer X, 50 ! —
officers, making Mr. "Snuggery" chuckle amazingly, and grin more —
observing hofficers to be all the "kick" now! — At the same time, jerking
his thumb in the direction of the party-wall and the Albert, saying,
he knew the Captain, — met Boultoff at Bath, where he stayed last sea
son, until the waters were too hot, when he " dried up" (we suppose
by drying up, the "Snuggery" meant departed). No one appeared to
notice the different name applied to the Captain — or, if they did, said
nothing, — except Cook, who observed — her master and the Capting to

HC HYPOCRIPPLE IYOU DO'NT J?AY jo.

YES, I PREDICATE HIM TO BE AN H

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 93

be as thick as soup ! — That she thought the former green and soft, as
over-done spinach, for the Cap ting cut it very fat at master's 'spense ;
— the guvenor ought to save his bacon afore he be done to rags ; — if
missus ud come in for all the grizzle, she (cook) said she would not
stew and fry herself about it.

Poor John, now fully assured of the Captain's intention, is very un
comfortable, indeed; experiencing the combined sensations of goose-
skin, fever, pins-and-needles, live-blood, and intoxication — sensations
that might have been relieved could they have vanished at the extremi
ties of his hair ; but, unfortunately, that would not stand erect, so
plastered and powdered had it been since the Captain's arrival. John
ruminates upon what has been said, intending to mention the " unmen
tionables," and break the awful mystery to Mr. Brown, that very night.
Now, you must know, Mr. Brown and his friend, the Captain, conde
scended to grace the juvenile party : — they sat at an occasional table, in
the recess, drinking wine, as if for a wager — trying to dispose of all the
surplus decanted yesterday ; so, you may suppose, when John appeared
with a melancholy face, to impart melancholy news, Mr. Brown was too
far gone to comprehend it — that night he could not stand, much more
understand; though, somehow, under the inspiration of a draught of
water and a damp towel, the Diary was made up, as if by instinct : —

" JANUARY 5th, Saturday. — Christmas is dead! — Expired with the
Juvenile party — we have economically disposed of the scraps. 'A Merry
Christmas ! ' — All the ill luck came upon Fridays — we can have no

94 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

more this season — altogether, a jolly Christmas, with a jolly friend, who
is to prove himself a capital one to-morrow — owes me £350 — bill
due Monday, — says he will clear off all by then ! If ( money ' is said
to be a 'friend,' what must a friend with money be? — A golden trea
sure, doubly dear — a companion that can never be a drag, because too
well off."

Thus closes the Christmas portion of the Brown Diary : — its author,
as customary on Saturday, dyeing his hair, before retiring to rest. But,
somehow, that eventful evening, Brown could not repose in peace ; he
abused his best friends in sleep — dreaming the De Camps capable of
decamping, after the bridal breakfast, with the dowry, across the sea —
leaving Jemima and Angelina married vestals, — to make more money and
fresh conquests in Virginia or Marryland: — whither old Brown feels
bound to follow, in his night shirt, but is incapacitated, being tied to
the earth by a pigtail springing from the organs of amativeness, phi-
loprogenitiveness, inhabitiveness, and adhesiveness ! So exciting is
Brown's dream, that he fancies the De Camps escaping — now, the bang
ing door of the Albert fairly awakening the sleeper ; who, on attempting
to rise, finds the pillow really a fixture to the back of his head ; which he
tears away, in a rage, causing all the pleasing sensations that might be
experienced on the removal of a tail by the roots. Brown rushes wild
ly to the window, opening the casement ; and, upon looking into the
pitch-dark night, he receives a blow from without, that causes him to
stagger and reel backwards, falling to the floor, with a noise that makes

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 95

Mrs. Brown rise in a fright, obtain a light, and severely reprimand her
lord as a drunken fool — capable of any wild fancy !

The naked truth stands thus : — Poor Brown has mistaken a bottle of
gum for hair-dye, and a closet for the casement — bruising his forehead
against the shelf; so, he creeps back to bed — there to lie, moralizing up
on cause and effect ! — Thinking, how trifling things, in themselves, may
lead to disastrous consequences — reflecting upon the rival bottles : — one
black — all deceit, the other white and trusty ! "Be not precipitate, nor
trust to appearances only, lest you be deceived ! " — a maxim, Brown
fears, he cannot apply to the Captain ; for, never did he know less of a
man, of whom he ought to have known more.

The 5th of January seemed to Brown as if it would never dawn ! —
The bump that took away and restored his senses, or, rather, sobered
that gentleman, feels like an egg placed in the centre of his forehead —
he longs for daylight, to examine it : — daylight, that comes, and reduces
the egg to a walnut-shell ! — Poor Brown's hat will not go on, for the
excrescence, so he cannot go to church. At breakfast he recounts his
dream — which is voted fudge by Mamma, stuff by Angelina, and rubbish
by Jemima ; for they are in no very good humour after the excitement
of last week. Little Tom is in bed, having broken his fast upon jalap,
administered to counteract the baneful effects of the sweets consumed
yesterday — the youth being full as a sack of sand ; and, we think, could
an anatomist have given a section of the different strata of food that
body contained, in the spirit of a geologist, he would have presented a

96 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

remarkable series of deposits. But, away with scientific speculations, to
the Browns, who are at breakfast — a meal that has been intruded upon
by John ; who has recounted enough of a certain story to put Jemima
in hysterics, and Angelina in a fainting fit — bringing down a hurricane
of abuse upon him — John, the impertinent menial — John, the venom
ous viper, that has recoiled upon its benefactor — John, the dark villain,
that has plotted with the unworthy man, Spohf, who, of course, out of
mere envy, mere spite, mere jealousy, would try to overturn that har
mony that is not to be broken so easily — that unity that is not to be
severed, no, not for a hundred Spohf s ! " Go — go, sir, to your fiddling
garret-friend — go and blow his hurdigurdy! — Go, sir! — Tell him the
affections of innocent females are not to be played upon like a base
vile ! — Tell him there are ears to pull, horsewhips to be had, ay, and
noble gentlemen ever ready to lay on in defence of those scandalously
reviled! You may tremble, sir, for menials can be discharged, and
have characters to lose ! Sir, I give you warning ! — Sir, you may go !
—Go, sir ! "

Now, this is the very thing John much wished to do : — he had been
imperceptibly backing, for the last five minutes, towards the door,
fearing to turn tail upon the enemy — the choleric Mr. and Mrs. Brown ;
who appeared, in their very fierceness, to counteract each other's fire
— each pulling the other back, seeming to get more and more ferocious
the nearer their victim gained the door, — for, when the baited John
reached it, he turned the handle of the lock behind him, still facing his

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 97

antagonists, intending to escape by a side lurch ; but, just at that cri
tical point, there came a knock of great importance at the outer door,
as if the chimney were on fire, or a baby half out of window : — the
enemy fell back — John opened the door, and, lo ! — There discovered

an officer of the Police Force, who wanted a word with John Brown !
— John, feeling himself the Brown wanted, retreats into the kitchen,
where he faints away, in a plate-basket, and stops the Dutch clock.

******
The Police Officer has had his word, or rather, word of words, with
Mr. Brown : — news, said to be important, but of the wildest and most
improbable character — news, appearing to that gentleman beyond all

98 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

belief — news, that he will not, can not, put faith in ! — Allegations, so pre
posterous, that they may be disproved in a moment — "Captain de Camp,
alias Boultoff, &c., &c., and three other persons, names unknown,
now incarcerated in Dover Jail, for the robbery of John Brown,
of Mizzlington" — a mistake — a foul plot — a base fiction ! — At least, so
thought the worthy gentleman, who was as ignorant of any wrong done
him as the lunatic that resides in the moon. Had the sea-serpent been
discovered in the back pond, a gold-mine been found in the dust
bin, or a Sphinx and Centaur been captured in Lincoln's Inn Fields,
Mr. Brown could not have been more astounded ! — He knows it to
be an imputation that can be disproved in a twinkling, if Mr. Police
Inspector will just step next door with him ; but, alas ! — There the
fox's tail is left in the trap — the skirt of the very coat, borrowed of
Mr. Brown, a fortnight since, hangs in the door, — the very door that
slammed, when the affrighted gentleman awoke in a dream, last night.

******
The concluding facts of these eventful sixteen days are simply as
follows : — to Mr. Spohf is the issue due — he was bound to spend the
sabbath at Canterbury, with the cathedral and organ ; upon the journey
thither, he happened to recognise some fellow-travellers, better known
to him than he was to them. From a slight conversation that trans
pired, he learned their destination to be Boulogne, or rather, Dover ; so
he stopped at Ashford, telegraphing their persons to Dover, where,
upon arrival, they were provided with lodging free of expense ; from that

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

99

place news was instantly sent to Mizzlington. Little did Mr. Brown
think, that morning, as he combed out his matted, gummy, locks, that
his friend Captain de Camp had lost his, under the cruel shears, in
Dover Jail !

100 CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR.

Captain de Camp, as you may suppose, after these lucky stars, again
entered upon foreign service ; being ordered to New South Wales, for
fourteen years — he sailed in the same transport with his two sons.
Lady Lucretia stayed at home, leading a very retired life — she resided
in a vast mansion at the " West-end," a castle at Millbank.

Mr. Spohf, of course, taking advantage of his rival's absence, wins
upon Miss Jemima Brown — in the end, marrying her, to live happy ever
afterwards ? — No, such was not the case ! Mr. Spohf espoused Miss
Cecilia Lark, who blessed him with a large family and everything else
that woman can. Spohf s means have increased, annually, with his fa
mily : — all are musical, and the eldest girl is to be an "English Lark,"
that will surpass the " Swedish Nightingale," or any other foreign bird
— the continentalists attribute it to the southern origin of her papa ;
and, accordingly, claim Cecilia Spohf as their own.

The Misses Brown still remain open to offers, and are reported to be
well worth having. Mr. John Brown, Junr., is married to Miss Gay ;
a better match there could not be — they both pull one way ; but, un
fortunately the wrong one — rumour says they are extravagant. Tom
is at Westminster School ; he has not distinguished himself in any
particular study, unless it be boating : — they say he would have won in
the last race had he not broken his scull — a mishap that sadly terrifi
ed Mrs. Brown ; for the note, intimating the catastrophe, said nothing

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. 101

about the sculls being more wooden than her son's. Mr. and Mrs.
Brown are really very happy ! — Victoria and Albert are now united —
the party-wall is removed. Mr. B. has retired from business, not even
discounting bills : — he does not go to the city now ; or at least if he
does, it is behind Mr. Strap, who makes an important coachman, hav
ing filled out amazingly — may be, thinking, " he who drives fat cattle
should himself be fat ;" for the bays are too corpulent to kick, and
take the journeys at their own pace. John — John Brown, "private,"
now keeps a public house — " the Brown Arms," " the Rampant
Locomotive," "Noted Brown Stout House," at the corner of Brown
Terrace : — it was a beer-shop when John first took it, but he has
since obtained a licence, and married Mary, the house-maid.

Mr. Brown is notorious for keeping up the festive Christmas season !
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PERRIN'S Fables Amusantes, avec une Table generate et particuliere des
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PINNOCK'S History of England, from the Invasion of Julius Capsar to the
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POTTER'S Archaeologia Graeca, or the Antiquities of Greece. A New Edition,
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RAMSHORN'S Dictionary of Latin Synonymes, for the use of Schools and Private
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REID'S Essays on the Active Powers of the Human Mind ; an Enquiry into
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ROBINSON'S Greek and English Lexicon of the New Testament. A New
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SOUTHEY'S Life of Lord Nelson. The Eighth Edition. Fcp. 8vo, cloth, 5s.

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* —

PUBLISHED BY WILLIAM TEGG & Co., LONDON. 11

TERENCE. — The Andrian, Heautontimorumenos, and Hecyra of Terence. By
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TRIMMER'S Description and a Set of Prints to Roman History, contained in a
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TYTLER'S Universal History, from the Creation of the World to the Beginning

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