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Full text of "The clandestine marriage : a comedy, in five acts"

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THE 

CLANDESTINE MAllEIAGE, 

IN FIVE ACTS. 



BY 

G. COLMAN AND D. GAEEICK. 



WITH AN ILLUSTRATION' AND EEMARKS BY E.G. 



THOMAS H A I L E S LACY, 

THEATRICAL PUBLISHER, 

LONDON. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



CO VENT GAKDRN, 1840 



sk r>>»r KRT 'BSH 



/.orrf Oghhy 


. Mr. W. Farren 


Mr. W. Far;;n 


Sir John Melvil 


. Mr. Cooper 


Mr. Cooper 


Sterling 


. Mr. Bartley 


Mr. Strickl?.:.d 


u^ovewell 


. Mr. J. Vandenhoff Mr. Kemminj^s 


Fhwer 


. Mr. Gran by 


Mr. Gough 


* ^raverse 


. Mr. Payne 


Mr.T.F.Mathevn 


f^rueman 


. Mr. Honner 


Mr. Worrell 


t.'nnfon 


. Mr. J. Bland 


Mr. Webster 


Brush 


. Mr. T. Green 


Mr. Walter Lacy 


Sey-vant 


. Mr. Collet 


Mr. Bishop 


Mrs. Heidelberg 


. Mrs. C. Jones 


Mrs. Glover 


Miss Sterling 


. Mrs. Nisbett 


Mrs. ^^•. Lacy 


Fanny 


. Mrs. W. Lacy 


Miss Travel's 


Betty 


. Mrs. Orger 


Miss Sallott 


Trusty 


. Mrs. Emden 


Miss Partridge 


Chambermaid 


. Mrs. Humby 


Miss Grove 



Time in Representation, 2 hours and 45 minutes. 



COSTUME. 

Lonn Ogleby. — An elegant morning aown and cap, lined with pink satin 
— satin waistcoat and lireeches. Second dress: Pink satin coat, trim- 
med with silver frogs. 

Sir John Melvil. — Blue dress coat, gilt buttf'ns — wh'*e waistcoat and 
breeches — shoes and buckles. 

Stkrling. — Maroon-coloured coat, gilt button., -green silk waistcoat — 
maroon-coloured breeches — shoes and buckles — red morning gown and 
night-caj.. 

LovisWKLL. — Slate coloured coat and breeches -white waistcoat. 

Flower, Travkrse, and Trueman. — Black coats and breeches — buff 
waistcoats— high boots. 

Canton. — Green jacket — flowered waistcoat, and red breeches. Second 
dress: Black coat. — satm waistcoat, and breeches. 

Brush. — Scarlet c<iat — white waistcoat — aad buff breeches. 

Servant. — Buff livery, square cut. 

Mrs. Heidelberg. — Blue flowered silk gown, and petticoat. Second 
dress: Flowered satin saque, and petticoat. Third dress: vhite dress- 
ing-gown— hoop. 

Mis^j Sterling. — Blue .satin, trimmed M'ith !r.ce — sr.i:^" hoop. 

Fanny. — Plain white musiin. Second dress: WL.'-c satin. tr'»-;med with 
Howers and lace — small hoop. 

Betty. — Coloured gown, loop'jd behind — blue skirt — white apron. 

Tf.usty. — Blue spotted brown cotton gown, loope(i behind— r^-' skirt 

SIaii). — Coloured chintz gown, looped behind— led akirt, and rbNlc apron. 



REMARKS. 



^fit Clantrestine fHnrrtage. 

A story is told in the Biographia Dramatica, on the authority of a 
Htftileiiian who, it seems, had rt from the month of Mr. Colman him- 
self, that Garrick composed two acts of the Clandestine Marriage ; 
which he sent to Colman, desiring that he would put them to- 
gether, or do what he would with them; and that the latter took 
Davy at his word, by putting them into the fire, and writing the 
play himself. We believe the story to be a gross fabrication; but 
whether by the gentleman or George, we cannot tell. Colman was 
too good a judge to put two acts of a comedy written by Garrick 
into the fire — we can answer that his son would not be guilty of the 
like folly ; that gentleman having a very commendable prudence in 
matters ui this sort. It has been generally understood that Garrick's 
share in this comedy was Lord Ogleby, and the courtly family; and 
Colman';', Sterling, and the low-bred city family— a fair conclusion; 
•iiice Loril Ogleby, in many points, bears a striking resemblance to 
Lord Chalkstone, in Garrick's farce of Lethe. In the advertisement 
originally prefixed to the play, both parties acknowledge themselves 
equally responsible for the whole, and express their obligatiims 
to Hogarth's Marriage a-la-Mode, from whence they derived their 
materials. But " wits have short memories:" they /(org-oMo men- 
lion that the characters of Lord Ogleby, Mr. Stirling, and Brush, 
were borrowed from a farce, entitled " False Concord," acted at 
Covent Garden, March 20, 1764, for the benefit of Mr. Woodward : 
the author of which was the Rev. James Towiiley, formerly master of 
llie Merchant Tailors' School. In this piece were three capital cha- 
racters — Lord Lavender, a vain superannuated nobleman ; Mr. Sud- 
ley, a wealthy soap-boiler ; and a pert valet. These, with the dia- 
logue of some of the scenes, nearly verbatim, were transferred lo 
the Clandestine Marriage. Garrick, in \ni prologue, recommends — 

" That each should neighbourly assist his brother. 
And steal with decency from one another." 

When, therefore, this comedy was published (" False Concord" has 
never been printed), the reputed authors should have adniiite<i frlr. 
Townley into co-partnership with them. 

The Clandestine Marriage is an extremely enterlainiLj and popu- 
A3 



6 REMARKS. 

Iir play. The characters are drawn with spirit and truth; the inci- 
(l<ent8 take an interLStiii^ and natural turn ; and the dialogue la ai- 
fcrnateiy witty, elegant, and affecting. Singularly enough, it ends 
without a wedding — that ceremony having been anticipated before 
its commencement— the lovers being, in fact, man and wife. The 
interview between Lord Ogleby and Fanny, when she resolves to 
disclose the secret of her marriage with Lovewell, and implore his 
lordship's intercession with her father — the distress and embarrass- 
ment of the lady— her blushes and sighs — her ambiguous expressions, 
which the vain old lord so whimsically applies to himself— a.nd his 
raptures at fancying that he is the object of her passion, are admi- 
rably painted. — Equally so is the equivoque between Lovewell and 
Lord Ogleby : where the former conceives he has propiiia ed the old 
peer ; while his lordship, equally mistaicen, applies the various com 
pliments paid to Miss Fanny's choice, to his own irresistible person 
and power of pleasing. The entrance of Sir John Melville, who 
comes for the special purpose of disclosing his passion, and request- 
ing his lordship's good offices to promote his match with the Countess 
of Ogleby, that shall be, is highly apropos and comic. The nods 
and winks of the conceited amorous old peur — who, in the pride and 
vanity of his heart, makes sure of the lady — his gay, chivalrous, and 
frolicsome air, when he gives Sir John jjermission to court F'innj — 
and his signilicant leers, contrast well with the embarrassment and 
contusion of Lovewell. The breakfast-scene between Brush and the 
chamber-maid — Mr. Brush's affectation of high life — I is well-bred 
nonchalance, yvh^n he hears his lordship's bell ring, an 1 continues 
to sip his coffee — the perfect good-breeding with which he presents 
the abigail with a few cakes of chocolate for her own particular 
ilrinking, and desires nothing in return for his civilility but to taste 
the perfume of her lips; at the same time remarking that, by an in- 
terchange of favours, he hopes the country and retirement may be 
rendered mutually agreeable, are characteristic and droll. The de- 
nouewe'it produces abundant merriment. The apropos introduc- 
t'on of Mr. Brush, half drunk, and laying hold of the chambe.-maid — 
his amortius protestations and promises — his queer threat regarding 
Mrs. Heidelberg, which brings out that venerable virago from her 
concealment— the hurry, bustle, and anxiety, that ensue, when the 
different guests emerge from their chambers — the unravelling of the 
mystery— the noble and geperous conduct of Lord Ogleby, when the 
mercenary citizen threatens to turn his daughter out of doors — and 
ilie feeling and eloquent amende honorable of Sir John Melville, 
render the last scene of this comedy as effective as ar.y on the stage. 
It liHS been objected that the Swiss nation has been illiberally carica- 
tured in the paitof Canton. The readiness of that people to _/igA^ for 
pay has long been proverbial ; we, therefore, see no reason why they 
shun Id noi jl utter, thonsh they may do it mote awkwardly. Sterling 
is d true picture of a sordid trader, whose heart is almost as bad as 



h-.s tiiste ; Mrs. Heidi ii>erg, ot WH<tllliy iijiioraiice; and Mish Sterling, 
ot Clu-apsiile pertness and U'liitfcliapel pride. 

Gal lick had originally intended to play Lord Ogleby himself; bnt, 
illness intervening, he assijneH the part to King, who raised him- 
8€lf to the top of his prole«tion by his admirable ptrrf.'rmance. We 
pass from that period to the present day (lur Cherry, Lovegiove 
and most ol the Lord Ogleby'!^ that we nniember, were but futile 
fellows), and come to Farren ; wh^se aclini; llironghout, whether in 
the exhibiiiou of his lordship's natural infirmities or assumea spirit 
andgayety.is inimitable. His twinges of t;out anr" rheumatism— his 
rallN ing into gallantry and good-humour — his courtship and self-conceit 
— and bis generous eftthusiasm, are so finely blended, that those wn'> 
remember King miss nothing of his excellences in Mr. Farren, one 
honest Tom's stately step and dignity of deportment. 

Kitty Clive was the original Mrs. Heidelberg. We have seen 
Miss Pope in the character, andean imagine nothing superior. Mrs. 
Davenport voivs and perte.its with humour. Farley's Canton is 
good ; but Wevsitzer was your true clumsy obsequious Swiss. 

{^ D G. 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 



ACT I. 

SCENE I. — A Room in Sterling's House. 

Enter Miss Fanny, r. h., and Betty, l. h., meeting. 

Bet. [Running ?n.] Ma'am ! Miss Fanny ! Ma'am — 

Fan. What's the matter, Betty ? 

Bet. Oh la ! Ma'am ! as sure as I'm alive, here is your 
husband ' 

Faiu Hush ! my dear Betty. 

B»*^ I saw him crossing the court-yard in his boots. 

FoK ^'m glad to hear it. — But pray, now, my dear Betty 
be cautions. Don't mention that word again on any account. 
You know we have agreed never to drop any expressions of 
that sort, for fear of an accident. 

Bet. Dear ma'am, you may depend upon me. There is 
not a more trustier creature on tlie face of the earth than I 
am. Though I say it, I am as secret as the grave — an J if it 
is never told till I tell it, it may remain untold till doomsday, 
for Betty. 

Fan. I know you are faithful — but in our circumstances we 
cannot be too careful. 

Bet. Very true, ma'am ; and yet I vow and protest there's 
more plague than pleasure with a secret; especially if a body 
mayn't mention it to four or five of one's particular acquaint- 
ance. 

Fan. Do but keep this secret a little while longer, and 
♦hen I hope you may mention it to any body. All I have to 
ask you is, to be faithful and secret, and not to reveal this 
matter till we disclose it to the family ourselves. 

Bet. Me reveal it! — If I say a word, I wish I may be 
burned. I would not do you any harm for the world — and 
as for Mr. Lovewell, I am sure I have loved the dear gentl-j- 
man ever since he got a tide-waiter's place for my brother. — 
But let me tell you both, you must leave otf your soft looks 
to each other, and your whispers, and your glances, and your 
always sitting next to one another at dinner, and your long 
walks together in the evening. — For my part, if I liad not 
oeeu in th'i secret, I should havi» known you were a pair of 
lovers at least, if not man and wife, as — 
B 3 



6 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Fan. See there now again ! Pray be careful. 

Bet. Well, well — nobody hears me. —Man and wife- -I'll 
say no more. — What I tell you is very true, for all that — 

Love. [l. — Within.'] William! 

Bet. Hark! I hear your husband — 

Fan. What! 

Bet. I say here comes Mr. Lovewell. — Mind the caution I 
give you — I'll be whipped, now, if you are not the first per- 
son he sees or speaks to in the family. \ Stops hevy and crosses 
to R.] However, if you choose it, it's nothing at all to me — 
as you sow, so you must reap — as you brew, so you must 
bake. I'll e'en slip down the back stairs, and leave you to- 
gether. [Exit, R. H. 

Fan. I see, I see, I shall never have a moment's ease till 
our marriage is made public. New distresses crowd in upon 
me every day. The solicitude of my mind sinks my spirits, 
preys upon my health, and destroys every comfort of my life. 
It shall be revealed, let what will be the consequence. 
Enter Lovewell, l. h. 

Love. My love ! — How's this ? — In tears ? — Indeed this is 
too much. You p»-omised me to support your spirits, and to 
wait the determination of our fortune with patience. For 
my sake, for your own, be comforted ! Why will you study 
to add to our uneasiness and perplexity ? 

Fan. Oh, Mr. Lovewell, the indelicacy of a secret marriage 
grows every day more and more shocking to me. 

Love. Indeed, indeed, you are to blame. The amiable de- 
•oacy of your temper, and your quick sensibility, only serve 
to make you unhappy. To clear up this affair properly to 
Mr. Sterling, is the continual employment of my thoughts. 
Every thing now is in a fair train. It begins to grow ripe for 
a discovery ; and I have no doubt of its concluding to the 
satisfaction of ourselves, of your father, and the whole family. 

Fan. End how it will, I am resolved it shall end soon — ' 
very soon. I would not live another week in this agony of 
mind, to be mistress of the universe. 

Love. Do not be too violent neither. Do not let us dis- 
turb the joy of your sister's marriage with the tumult this 
matter may occasion ! I have brought letters from Lord 
Ogleby and Sir John Melvil, to Mr. Sterling. They will be 
here this evening — and I dare say within this hour. 

Fan. I am sorry for it. 

Love. Why so .■' 

Pon. No matter — only let us disclose ounnarriage iga-.uc- 
diatcl)'. 



THS CLANDK3TINE MAURlAGB. 7 

Love. As soon as possible. 

Fan. But directly. 

Luce. lii a few days, you may depend on it. 

Fan. To-night — or to-moirow niornins;. 

Love. That, I fear, will be impracticable. 

Fan. Nay, but you must. 

Love. Must! why? 

Fan. Indeed you must — I have the most alarming rea'sons 
for it. 

Love. Alarming, indeed ! for they alarm me, even before 
I am acquainted with them. What are they.' 

Fan. I cannot tell you. 

Love. Not tell me ? 

Fan. Not at present. When all is settled, you shall be ac- 
quainted with every thing. 

Love. Sorry they are coming ! — must be discovered ! — 
W^hat can this mean ? Is it possible you can have any rea- 
sons that need be concealed from me ? 

Fan. Do not disturb yourself with conjectures — but rest 
assured, that though you are unable to divine the cause, the 
consequence of a discovery, be it what it will, cannot be at- 
tended with half the miseries of the present interval. 

Love. Well, well — I mean to discover it soon, but would 
not do it too precipitately. I have more than once sounded 
Mr. Sterling about it, and will attempt him more seriously 
the first opportunity. But my principal hopes are these : — 
my relationship to Lord Ogleby, and his having placed me 
with your father, have been, you know, the first links in the 
chain of this connection between the two families ; in conse- 
quence of which, I am at present in high favour with all 
parties ; while they all remain thus well affected to me, I pro- 
pose to lay our case before the old lord ; and if I can prevail 
on him to mediate in this affair, I make no doubt but he will 
be able to appease your father; and, being a lord, and a man 
of quality, I am sure he may bring Mrs. Heidelberg into 
good humour at any time. Let me beg you, therefore, to 
iiave a little patience, as, you see, we are upon the very eve 
of ;i discovery, that must probably be to our advantage. 

Fan. Manage it your own way. I am persuaded. 

J nve. But in the mean time, make yourself easy. 

Fun. As easy as I can, I will. We had better not remain 
together any longer at present. 

Enter Sterling, r. h., as she is going. 

F.I.er. Hey day ! who have we got here ? 

Fan. IConfused.'] Mr. Lovewell, sir. [^Crosses to iv 



•O THE CLANDESTINE MARniAGE. 

Ster. And where are you going, hussy ? 

Fan. To my sister's chamber, sir. [Erif, r. h. 

fu'er. Ah, Lovewell ! What ! always getting my foolish 
girl, yonder, into a corner ? — Well, well — let us but "once see 
her eldest sister fast married to Sir John Melvil, we'll soon 
provide a good husband for Fanny, I warrant you. 

Love. Would to heaven, sir, you would provide her one of 
my recommendation ! 

Ster. Yourself! eh, Lovewell ? 

Love. With your pleasure, sir. 

Ster. Mighty well ! 

Love. And I flatter myself, that such a proposal would not 
be very disagreeable to Miss Fanny. 

Ster. Better and better ! 

Love. And if I could but obtain your consent, sir — 

Ster. What ! you marry Fanny ? No, no, that will never 
do, Lovewell : you're a good boy, to be sure — I have a great 
value for you, but can't think of you for a son-in-law. — 
There's no stuff in the case; no money, LovewelL 

Love. My pretensions to fortune, indeed, are but moderate ; 
but though not eqaal to splendour, sufficient to keep us above 
distress. Add to which, that I hope by diligence to increase 
it, and have love, honour — 

Ster. But not the stuff, Lovewell. Add one little r. ui.d 
to the sura total of your fortune, and that will be the finest 
tiling you can say to me. You know I've a regard for you, 
would do any thing to serve you, any thing on the footing of 
friendship, but — 

Love. If you think me worthy of your friendship, sir, be 
assured that there is no instance in which I should rate your 
fiiendsliip so highly. 

Ster. I'ihaw! pshaw! that's another thing, you know. 
Where money or interest is concerned, friendship is quite out 
of the question. 

Love. But where the happiness of a daughter is at stake, 
you would not scruple, sure, to sacrifice a little to her iur 
clinutions. 

Ster. Inclinations! why you would not peisuade me that 
the girl is in love with you — eh, Lovewell .' 

Love. 1 cannot absolutely answer for Miss Fanny, sir ; but 
am sure that the chief happiness or misery of my life, depends 
entirely upon her. 

Ster. Why, indeed, now, if your kinsman. Lord Ogleby, 
would come down handsomely for you — but that's iripo«i- 
sible. No, no. 'twill never do — I must hear lo more of this. 



THE Clandestine marriage. 9 

Come, Lovewcll, promise me that I shall hear no moro of 

this. 

Love. {Hesitating.'] I am afraid, sir, I should not be able 
to kfep my word with you, if I did promise you. 

iiter. Why, you would not offer to marry her without my 
consent 1 would youy Lovewell ? 

Love. [Confused.'] Marry her, sir ! 

Ster. Ay, marry her, sir ! I know very well, that a warm 
ripe'^ch or two, from such a dangerous young spark as you 
are, would go much further towards persuading a silly girl to 
do what she has more than a month's mind to do, than twenty 
grave lectures from fathers or mothers, or uncles or aunts, 
to prevent her. But you would not, sure, be such a base 
fellow, such a treacherous young rogue, as to seduce my 
daughter's affections, and destroy the peace of my family in 
tnat manner. I must insist on it, that you give me your 
word not to marry her without my consent. 

Love. Sir — I — I — as to that — I — I — beg, sir. — Pray, sir. 
excuse me on this subject at present. 

Ster. Promise, then, that you will carry this matter no fur- 
ther, without my approbation. 

Love. You may depend on it, sir, that it shall go no further. 

Ster. Well, well, that's enough — I'll take care of the rest, 
I warrant you. Come, come, let's have done with this non- 
sense. What's doing in town ? — any news upon 'change ? 

Love. Nothing material. 

Ster. And how are stocks ? 

Love. Fell one and a half this morning. 

Ster. Well, well, some good news from America, and they'll 
be up again. But how are Lord Ogleby and Sir John Melvil? 
— ^when are we to expect them ? 

Love. Very soon, sir. I came on purpose to bring you 
tlieir commands. Here are letters from both of them. 

[Giving letters. 

Ster. Let me see — let me see — 'Slife, how his lordship's 
letter is perfumed ! — it takes my breath away. [Opening it.] 
And French paper, too ! — with a shppery gloss on it that 
dazzles one's eyes.' [Reading.] ^^ My dear Mr. Sterling" — 
Mercy on me ! his lordship writes a worse hand than a boy 
at his exercise. But how's this ? eh ! — " With you to-night 
— lawyers to-morrow morning.''* To-night ! that's sudden, 
indeed. Where's mr sister Heidelberg ^ She should know 
of this immediately. [Calling the Servants.] Here- -John I 
Harry ! Thomas ! — H irkye, Lovewell ! 

Love. Sir! 



10 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Sier. Mind, now, how I'll entertain his lordship and Sir 
John. We'll shew your fello<\-s at the other end of the town, 
how we live in the city : — they shall eat t,^old, and drink gold, 
and lie in gold. [Callinff.] Here, cook! butler! — What signi- 
fies your birth, and education, . and titles ! — Money, money ! 
— that's the stutf that makes the great man in this country. 

Love. Very true, sir. 

Ster. True, sir ! — Why then have done with your nonsense 
of love and matrimony. You're not rich enough to think ot 
a wife yet. A man of business should mind nothing but his 
business. — Where are these fellows ? [ Calling.} John ! Tho- 
mas ! — Get an estate, and a wife will follow of course. Ah, 
Lovewell ! an English merchant is the most respectable cha- 
racter in the universe. 'Slife, man, a rich English merchant 
may make himself a match for the daughter of a nabob. — 
Where are all my rascals ? Here, William ! [Ex-it r., calling. 

Love. So — as I suspected — Quite averse to the match, and 
likely to receive the news of it with great displeasure. What's 
best to be done. Let me see : — suppose I get Sir John 
Melvil to interest himself in this affair. He may mention it 
to Lord Ogleby with a better grace than I can, and more 
probably prevail on him to interfere in it. I can open my 
mind also more freely to Sir John. He told me, when I left 
him in town, that he had something of consequence to com- 
municate, and that I could be of use to him. I am glad of 
it ; for the confidence he reposes in me, and the service I 
may do him, will ensure me liis good offices. — Poor Fanny ! 
it hurts me to see her so uneasy, and her making a mystery 
of the cause, adds to my anxiety. Something must be done 
upon her account ; for, at all events, her solicitude shall be 
removed. [Ea^it h. h. 

SCENE IL — Miss Slerling's Dressing Room. Toilette-fable 
R. H., chair on each side ; 2 chairs, l. h. ; loo-table, and two 
chairs, l. h. ; toilelte-stcol. r. h. 

Miss Sterling, r., and Fanny, l. of table, discovered. 

Miss S. O, my dear sister, say no more ! — This is down- 
right hypocrisy. — You shall never convince me that you don't 
envy me beyond measure. — Well, after all, it is extremely 
natural — It is impossible to be angry vdth you. 

Fan. Indeed, sister, you have no cause. 

Miss S. And you really pretend not to envy me ? 

Fan. Not in the least. 

Miss S. And you don't in the least wish that you was ]ust 
in my situation ? 



THK CI.ANDKbirNK MARUIAGE. 11 

Fan. No iiulet'd, I don't. Why should I ? 

Miss S. Why should you ? What ! on the brink of m^rt. 
age, fortune, title— But I had forgot — There's that dear 
sweet creature Mr. Lovewell, in the case. — You would not 
Im oak your faith with your true-love now, for the world, I war- 
rant you. 

Fan. Mr. Lovewell ! — always Mr. Lovewell I — Lord what 
signifies Mr. Lovewell, sister? 

Misa S. Pretty peevish soul I — 0, my dear, grave, romantic 
sister 1 — a perfect philosopher in petticoats 1 Love and a 
cottage ! — eh, Fanny. — Ah, give me indifference, and a coach 
and si.\ I 

Fan. And why not a coach and six without the indifference ? 
— But pray when is this happy marriage of yours to be cele- 
brated ? I long to give you joy. 

Miss S. In a day or two — I cannot tell exactly — Oh, ray 
dear sister I — \_Aside.'] I must mortify her a little. — I know 
you have a pretty taste. Pray giv'> me your opinioix of my 
jewels. How do you like the styld o^ this esclavage ? 

YSUon'iiKj jewels. 

Fan. Extremely handsome, indeed, and well fancied. 

Miss S. What d'ye think of these bracelets ? I shall have 
a miniature of my father, set round with diamonds, to one, 
and Sir John's to the other. — And this pair of ear-rings I set 
transparent I — Here, the tops, you see, will take off, to wear 
in a morning, or in an undress — how d'ye like them ? 

[Skoivs je^rels. 

Fan. Very much, I assure you. Bless me, sister, you have 
a prodigious quantity of jewels — you'll be the very queen of 
•.iiamonds. 

Miss S. Ha, ha, ha! very well, my dear I — I shall be as 
fine as a little queen, indeed. — I have a bouquet to come home 
o-morrow, made up of diamonds, and rubies, and emeralds, 
and topazes, and amethysts — ^jewels of all colours, green, red, 
blue, yellow, intermixecl — the prettiest thing you ever saw in 
your life ! The jeweller says I shall set out with as many 
diamonds as any body in town, except Lady Brilliant, and 
Polly What-d'ye-call-it, lord Squander's kept mistress. 

Fan. But what are your wedding-clothes, sister.^ 

Miss S. O, white and silver, to be sure, you know. I bought 
them at Sir Joseph Lutestring's ; and sat above an hour in the 
parlour behind the shop, consulting Lady Lutestring, about 
gold and silver stuffs, on purpose to mortify her. 

Fan. Fie, sister I how could you be so abr^.59»^ly pr^ 
v&king ? 



12 THE <:IAN1)EST1XE MARRIAGE. 

Misis S. Oh, I liiive no patience with the pride of your 
city-knights ladies. Did you ever observe the airs of Lady 
Lutestring, dressed in the richest brocade out of her hus- 
band's shop, playing crown whist at Haberdasher's-hall — 
whilst the civil smirking Sir Joseph, with a snug wig trim- 
med round his broad face, as close as a new cut yew hedge, 
and his shoes so black that they shine again, stands all day 
in his shop, fastened to his counter like a bad shilling ? 

Fan. Indeed, indeed, sister, this is too much — If you talk 
at this rate, you will be absolutely a bye-word in the city — 
You must never venture on the inside of Temple-bar again. 

Miss S. Never do I desire i. -never, my dear Fanny, I 
promise you. Oh, how I long to be transported to the dear 
regions of Grosvenor-square — far, far, from the dull districts 
of Aldersgate, Cheap, Candlewick, and Farringdon v^'ithout 
and Within ! — my heart goes pit-a-pat, at the very idea of 
being introduced at court ! — gilt chariot ! — pieballed horses ! 
• — laced li\^ries! — and then the whispers buzzing round the 
circle : " Who is that young lady ? Who is she ?" — " Lady 
Melvil, ma'ara !" — Lady Melvil ! [Crosses to n. h.] My ears 
tingle at the sound. And then, at dinner, instead of ray 
father perpetually asking — " Any news upon 'Change ?" — to 
cry — " Well, Sir John ! any thing new from Arthur's ?" — or 
to say to some other woman of quality, " Was your ladyship 
at the duchess of Rubber's, last night? — Did you call in at 
iad y Thunder's ? — In the immensity of crowd, I swear I did 
not see you. — Scarce a soul at thie opera, last Saturday — Shall 
I see you at Carlisle-house, next Thursday ?" — Oh, the dear 
beau monde ! I was born to move in the sphere of the great 
world. ICrosse:- to l. h. 

Fa;i. And so in the midst of all this happiness, you ta^ e no 
comp^jsioiirur me — no pity for us poor mortals in common life. 

3Ii.ss S. \_Affectedly.'] You? — You're above pity. You 
would not change conditions with me. — You're over head and 
ears in love, you know. Nay, for that matter, if Mr. Love- 
well and you come together, as I doubt not yo' i will, you 
will live very comfortable, I dare say. He wiL i^.ad his 
business — you'll employ yourself in the delightful care of 
your family — and once in a season, perhaps, you'll s^it toge- 
tiier in a front box at a benefit play, as we used to f' j at our 
dancing master's, you know — and perhaps I may meet you 
in the summer, with some other citizens, at Tunbridge. For 
my part, I shall always entertain a proper regard for my re- 
lations. — You shan't want my countenance, I assiu'e you. 

Fan. Oh, you're too kind, sister ! 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 13 

Enter Mrs. Heidelberg, r. h. 

Mrs. H. \_At enferiny.'] Here this evening ! — I vow and 
pertest we shall scarce have time to provide for them — Oh, 
my dear! [To Miss Sterling.] I am glad to see you're not 
quite in a dish-abille. Lord Ogleby and Sir John Melvil will 
be here to-night. 

Miss S. To-night, ma'am ? 

Mrs. H. Yes, my dear, to-night. — Oh, put on a smarter cap, 
and change those ordinary ruffles ! — Lord, I have such a deal 
to do, I shall scarce have time to slip on my Italian lute- 
string ? — Where is this dawdle of a housekeeper ? 

Enter Trusty, r. h. 
Oh, here. Trusty ! do you know that people of qualaty are 
expected here this evening ? 

Tnis. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Well — Do you be sure now that every thing is 
done in the most genteelest manner — and to the honour of the 
family. 

T)~us. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. W^ell — but mind what I say to you. 

Trus. Yes, ma'am. 

Mm. H. His lordship is to lie in the chintz bed-chamber — 
d'ye hear? — and Sir John in the blue damask room — his 
lordship's valet-de-chamb in the opposite — 

Tnis. But Mr. Lovewell is come down — and you know 
that's his room, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Well — well — Mr. Lovewell may make shift — or 
get a bed at the George. [Trusty is geing, r.] But harkye, 
Trusty ! 

Trus. Ma'am! 

Mrs. H. Get the great dining-room in order as soon as 
possible. [liYM'&ty going.'] Unpaper the curtains, take the ki.vers 
off the couch and the chairs, and, do you hear — take the china 
dolls out of my closet, and put them on the mantlepiece, 
immediately — 

Trus. Yes, ma'am. {^Going. 

Mrs. H. And mind, as soon as his lordship comes in, be sure 
you set all their heads a nodtUnir. 

Trus. Yes, ma'am. [Got7ig. 

Mrs. H. Be gone, then ! Hy, this instant 1 — Where's my 
brother Sterling ? 

Trus. Talking to the butler, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Very well. — And Trusty ! 

Trus. Yes, ma'ain. 

e 



14 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Mrs. H. Oh, nothing — that will do. [SrzY Trusty, r. n.] 
Miss Fanny, I pertest I did not see you before — Lord, child, 
what's the matter with you ? 

Fan. With me ! nothing, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Bless me ! Why your face is as pale, and black, 
and yellow — of fifty colours, I vow and pertest. And thon 
you have drest yourself as loose and as big — I declare there 
is not such a thing to be seen now, as a young woman with a 
line waist — you all make yourselves as round as Mrs. Deputy 
Barter. Go, child ! You know the qualaty will be here by- 
and-by. Go, and make yourself a little more fit to be seen. 
[Exit Fanny, l. h.] She is gone away in tears — absolutely 
crying, I vow and pertest. This ridicalous love ! we must 
put a stop to it. It makes a perfect nataral of the girl. 

Miss S. Poor soul ! she can't help it. "lAffectedly, down r. 

Mrs. H. Well, my dear ! Now I shall have an opportunity 
of convincing you of the absurdity of what you was telling 
me, concerning Sir John Melvil's behaviour to you. 

Miss S. Oh, it gives me no manner of uneasiness. But 
indeed, ma'am, I cannot be persuaded but that Sir John is 
an extremely cold lover. Such distant civility, grave looks, 
and lukewarm professions of esteem for me and the w^hole 
family ! I have heard of flames and darts ; but Sir John's 
is a passion of mere ice and snow. 

Mrs. H. Oh, fie, my dear ! I am perfectly ashamed of j^ou. 
What you complain of as coldness and indiffarence, is nothing 
but the extreme gentilaty of his address ; an exact pictur of 
the manners of qualaty. 

Miss S. O, he is the very mirror of complaisance ; full of 
formal bows and set speeches ! I declare, if there was any 
violent passion on my side, I should be quite jealous of him. 

Mrs. H. Jealous ! — I say, jealous indeed. — Jealous of who, 
pray? 

Miss S. My sister Fanny. She seems a much greater 
favourite than I am ; and he pays her infinitely more atten- 
tion, I assure you. 

Mrs. H. Lord ! d'ye think a man of fashion, as he is, can- 
not distinguish between the genteel and the vulgar part of 
the family ! — Between you and your sister, for instance ; or 
me and my brother ? — Be advised by me, child ; it is all pu- 
liteness and good-breeding. Nobody knows the qualaty 
better than I do. 

Miss S. In my mind, the old lord, his uncle, has ten times 
more gallantry about him, than Sir John. He is full of at- 
tentions to the ladies ; and smiles, and grins, and leers, aiid 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 15 

Ogles, and fills every wrinkle of his old wizen face with comi- 
cal expressions of tenderness. I think he would make aa 
admirable sweetheart. 

Enter Sterling, l. h. 

Ster. \_At entering.'] No fish ? — Why the pond was dragged 
but yesterday morning. There's carp and tench in the boat. 
Plague on't, if that dog Lovewell had any thought, he would 
have brought down a turbot, or some of the land-carriage 
mackerel. 

Mm. H. [Crosses c] Lord, brother, I am afraid his lord- 
ship and Sir John, will not arrive while it is light. 

Ster. I warrant you. — But pray, sister Heidelberg, let the 
turtle be dressed to-morrow, and some venison — and let the 
gardener cut some pine-apples — and get out some ice. — I'll 
answer for wine, I warrant you. I'll give them such a glass 
of champagne, as they never drank in their lives — no, not at 
a duke's table. 

Mr.^. H. Pray now, brother, mind how you behave ; I am 
always in a fright about you, with people of qualaty. Take 
care that you don't fall asleep directly after supper, as you 
commonly do. Take a good deal of snuff, and that will keep 
you awake. — And don't burst out with your horrible loud 
horse laughs. It is monstrus wulgar. 

Canton. [ Without.'] So — Mons. Sterling this way, eh .' 

Ster. Never fear, sister ! — Who have we here } 

Mrs, H. It is Mons. Cantoon, the Swish gentleman that 
lives with his lordship, I vow and pertest 

Enter Canton, l. h. 

Ster. Ah, mounseer ! your servant. I am very glad to see 
you, mounseer. 

Can. Mosh oblige to Mons. Sterling. — Ma'am, I am yours 
■ — Matemoiselle, I am your — [Bowing round. 

Mrs. H. Your humble servant, Mr. Cantoon ! 

Can. Kiss your hand, matam I 

(S/f r. Well, mounseer ! and what news of your good family ! 
When are we to see his lordship and Sir John? 

Can. [l.] Mons. Sterling ! niilor Ogleby and Sir Jean 
Melvil, will be here in one quarter hour. 

Mrs-. H. What sir ! what do you say ! 

Ster. I am glad to hear it. 

Mrs. H. 0,1 am perdigious glad to hear it. Being so late, 
I was afeard of some accident. Will you please to have any 
thing, Mr. Cantoon. after your journey ? 

Can. i\^o, tank you, ma'am. 



16 THE CLANDESTINE MAHRIAGE. 

Mrs. H. Shall I go and show you the apartments, sir ? 
Can. You do me great honour, ma'am. \_Crosses B. 

Mrs. H. Come then! — come my dear. [Jb Miss S.] 

\_Exeunt Can. Mrs. H. Miss S. and Ster. r. h. 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II. 
SCENE I. — An Anti-room to Lord Oglehy^s Bed-chamber. 

Table with chocolate, and small case for medicines, r. — Ano- 
ther table, L. H. with glass, rouge, tweezers, snuff-box, jjocket- 

giass, and cakes of chocolate. — Chairs. 

Brush, l. h. and Chambermaid, r. h. discovered. 

Brush. You shall stay, my dear, I insist upon it. 

Cham. Nay, pray sir, don't be so positive ; I cannot stay 
indeed. 

Bni^h. You shall drink one cup to our better acquaintance. 

Cham. I seldom drinks chocolate ; and, if I did, one has 
no satisfaction, with such apprehensions about one — if.my 
lord should wake, or the Swish gentleman should see one, or 
Madam Heidelberg should know of it, I should be frightened 
to death. Besides, I have had my tea already, this morn- 
ing — I'm sure I hear my lord. \_In a fright. 

Brush. No, no, madam, don't flutter yourself — the moment 
my lord wakes, he rings his bell; which I answer sooner or 
later, as it suits my convenience. 

Cham. But should he come upon us without ringing — 

Brush. I'll forgive him if he does — this key — \^TaJces a vial 
out of the case.'] locks hira up, till I please to let him out. 

Cham. Law, sir ! that's potecary's stuff. 

Brush. It is so — but without this he can no more get out 
of bed, than he can read without spectacles — \Sips.'] What 
with qualms, age, rheumatism, and a few surfeits in his youth, 
he must have a great deal of brushing, oiling, screwing, and 
winding-up, to set him a-going for the day. 

Cham. [Sips.] That's prodigious, indeed — [<S//!>s.] My lord, 
seems quite in a decay. 

Brush. Yes, he's quite a spectacle. \_Sips.'] A mere corpse, 
cill he is revived and refreshed from our little magazine here. 
When the restorative pills and cordial waters warm his sto- 
mach, and get into his head, vanity frisks in his heart, and 
then he sets up for the lover, the rake, and the fine gentleman. 

Cham. \_Sips.] Poor gentleman I but should the Swish 
gentleman come upon us ! [^Frightened. 

Srush. Why, then the English gentlciiian would be very 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 1 7 

angry. No foreigner must break in upon my privacy. [Sips.} 
But I can assure you, Monsieur Canton is otherT\'ise employed 
— He is obliged to skim the cream of half a score newspa- 
pers for my lord's breakfast — ha, ha, ha ! Pray, madam, 
drink your cup peaceably. My lord's chocolate is remarkably 
good ; he won't touch a drop, but what coii,es from Italy. 

Cham. [Sipprng.] 'Tis very fine, indeed ! ['S"//;*.] and 
cliarmingly perfumed — it smells for all the world like our 
young ladies' dressing-boxes. 

Brush. You have an excellent taste, madam ; and I must 
beg of you to accept of a few cakes for your own drinking ; 
[Takes them out of a drawer in the table.'] and, in return, I 
desire nothing but to taste the perfume of your lips. [Kisses 
her.] A small return of favours, madam, will make, I hope, 
this country and retirement, agreeable to us both. [He buivs, 
she courtesies.] Come, pray sit down. Your young ladies are 
tine girls, faith ; [5'?jys.] tliough, upon my soul, I m quite of 
my old lord's mind about them ; and were I inclined to ma- 
trimony, I should take the youngest. [Sips. 
Cham. Miss Fanny ! — the most affablest, and the most 
best-natur'd ereter — 

Brush. And the eldest a little haughty or so — 
Cham. More haughtier and prouder than Saturn himself — 
but this I say quite confidential to you ; for one would not 
hurt a young lady's marriage, you know. \ S^ps. 

Brush. By no means ; but you cannot hurt it with us — we 
don't consider tempers — we want money, Mrs. Nancy. Give 
us plenty of that, we'll abate you a great deal in other par- 
ticulars — ha, ha, ha ! [D-'l ri)ujs. 
Cham. Bless me, here's somebody ! Oh, 'tis my lord I — 
Well, your servant, Mr. Brush — I'll clean the cups in the 
next room. 

Brush. Do so — but never mind the bell — I sha'n't go this 
half hour. Will you drink tea with me in the afternoon .'' 

Cham. Not for tlie world, Mr. Brush. I'll be here to set 
all things to rights ; but I must not drink tea, indeed — and 
so 3'^our servant. [Exit with tea-board, l. h. Bell rings of/aui. 
Brush. Yes, yes, I hear you. It is impossible to stupify 
one's self in the country for a week, without some little flirt- 
ing with the Abigails ; — this is much tlie handsomest wench 
in the house, except the old citizen's youngest daughter, and 
I have not tim^ enough to lay a plan for her. [Bell rings.] 
O, my lord— [Going. 

Entei Cant ox, c. u., u-ith nevspapers in his hand. 
Can. Monsieur Brush ! Maistre Brush 1 — my lor stirra yet.' 
c 3 



ItJ THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

BntsTi. He Las just rung his bell — I ani going to him. 

I [Ejiit, c. 1). 

Can. Depechez vous done. [Puts on his spectacles.'] I wish 
dc deveil had all dese papiers — I forget as fast as I. read — de 
Advertise put out of my head de Gazette, de Chronique, and 
so dey all go Tun apres I'autre — I must get some nouvelle 
for my lor, or he'll V enrage contre moi. Voyons ! [Reads 
the paper.'] Here-> nothing but Anti-Sejanus and advertise — 

Enter "Maid, l. h., with chocolate things. 

Vat you want, cnu ? 

Maid. Only the chocolate things, sir. 

Can. O, ver well — dat is good girl — and verj' prit too. 

[Exit Maid, l. h. 

Lord 0. [Within, c. D.J Canton! [Coughs.} He, he! — 
Canton ! — 

Can. I come ! — my— vat shall I do ? I have no news — he 
Vvill make great tintamarre ? — 

Lord 0. [Within.'] Canton! I say, Canton? Where are 
you ? 

Enter Lord Ogleby, c. d., leaning on Brush. 

Can. Here, my lor !— I ask pardon, my lor— I have not 
finish de papiers — 

Lord 0. D— n your pardon and your papiers— I want you 
here. Canton. , ^ , , 

Can. [Shuffles along.] Den I run, dat is aU.— [Lord Ogleby 
leans upon Canton too, and comes forward.] 

Lord 0. You Swiss are the most unaccountable mixture— 
you have the language and impertinence of the French, with 
the laziness of Dutchmen. [Brush brings down large easy chair. 

Can. 'Tis very true, mv lor — I can't help— 

Lord O. [Cries oict.] 6 Diavolo ! [Sifs, c.—verijforivaia. 

Can. You are not in pain, I hope, my lor ? 

Lord 0. Indeed but I am, my lor. That vulgar fellow, 
Sterling, with his city politeness, would force me down his 
slope last night to see a clay-coloured ditch, which he calls a 
canal ; and what with the dew and the east wind, my hips 
and shoulders are absolutely screwed to my body. 

Can. A littel veritable eau d'arquibusade vil set all to right. 
[Lord Ogleby sits down, and Brush gives chocolate. 

Lord 0. Where are the palsy drops, Brush ? 

Brush. [L. H.] Here, my lord. [Pours om. 

Lord 0. Quelle nouvelle avez vous, Canton ? 

Can. [r. h.] A great deal of papier, ^nt no news at ail. 

Lord 0. What! nothing at aU, ycv stup'd feiicw I 



THE clandestint: warriaok. 19 

Can. Qui, my ]or, I have little advertise here \il give you 
more plaisir den all de lies about nothihi^ at all. La viola ! 

[Puis on his spectacles. 

Lord 0. Come, read it, Canton, with good emphasis, and 
good discretion. 

Can. I vil, my lor. [Reads.'] " De7-e is no question but that 
the cosmetigue royale vil utterly take away all heats, pimps, 
f recks, oder eruptions of de skin, and likewise de wringue of old 
age, S(c. ^'c." — A great deal more, my lor. — " Be s^ire to ask 
for de cosmetigue royale, signed by the docteur own hand. Dere 
is more raisonfordis caution dan good men vil link.'" Eh bien^ 
my lor. 

Lord 0. Eh bien, Canton ! — Will you purchase any ? 

Can. For you, my lor ? 

Lord 0. For me, you old puppy ? for what ? 

Can. My lor ! 

Lord 0. Do I want cosmetics .' ^ 

Can. My lor ! 

Lord 0. Look in my face — come, be sincere. Does it want 
the assistance of art ? 

Can. [With his spectacles.] Enveritenon — 'Tis very smoose 
and brillian — but tote dat you might take a little by way of 
prevention. 

Lord O. You thought like an old fool, monsieur, as you 
genemliy do. The surfeit water, Brush ! [Brush pours out.} 
What do you think. Brush, of this family we are going to be 
connected with ? — eh ! 

Brush, [l.] Very well to marry in, my lord; but it would 
never do to live with. 

Lord 0. You are right, Brush, — there is no washing the 
blackmoor white. Mr. Sterling will never get rid of Black- 
friars — always taste of the Borachio — and the poor woman, 
his sister, is so busy, and so notable, to make one welcome, 
that I have not yet got over the fatigue of her first reception ; 
it almost amounted to suffocation ! I think the daughters 
are tolerable. Where's my cephalic snuff? 

[Brush gives him a Ij ox from toilette table. 

Can. Dey tink so of you, my lor, for dey look at nothing 
else, ma foi. 

Lord 0. Did they ? W^hy I think they did a little — Where's 
my glass ? [Brush brings doum toilette-table on Lord Ogleby's 
L. H.] The youngest is delectable. [Takes snuff. 

Can. O oui, my lor, very delect, inteed ; she made doux 
yeux at you, my lor. 

Lord 0. S)ie was particular.— Tht eldest, my nephew's 



20 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGF. 

lady, will be a most valuable wife ; she has all the vulgar spirits 
of her father and aunt, happily blended with the termagant 
qualities of her deceased mother. — Some peppermint water, 
Brush. — How happy is it, Canton, for young ladies in gene- 
ral, that people of quality overlook every thing in a marriage 
contract, but their fortune. 

Can. Cest bien heureux, et commode aussi. 

Lord 0. Brush, give me that pamphlet by my bed-side. — 
[Brush goes f 07' it, c. D.] Canton, do you wait in the anti- 
chamber, and let nobody interrupt me till I call you. 

Can. Mush good may do your lordship. \_Exit, r. h. 

Lord 0. [To Brush, ivho brings the pamphlet.'] And now, 
Brush, leave me a little to my studies. [Exit Brush, r. h.] 
— What can I possibly do among these women here, with 
this confounded rheumatism ! It is a most grievous enemy 
to gallantry and address. [^Gets off his chair.'] He! courage, 
my lor! by heavens, I'm another creature. [Hums and dances 
a little, before a cheval-glass, R. h.] It will do, faith. Bravo, 
my lor ! these girls have absolutely inspired me — If they are 
for a game of romps — me viola pret ! [Sings and dances — 
appearing to be suddenly seized with pain, staggers to, and sinks 
into easy chair, l.] Oh ! that's an ugly twinge — but it's gone. 
— I have rather too much of the lily this morning, in my 
completion ; a faint tincture of the rose, will give a delicate 
spirit to my eyes for the day. [Unlocks a drawer at the bottom 
of the glass, and takes out rouge : while he is painting himself, 
a knocking at the door.] Who's there ? I won't be disturbed. 

Can. [Within, r.] My lor! my lor! here is Monsieur 
Sterling, to pay his devoir to you this morn in your chambre. 

Lord 0. [Softly.] What a fellow ! [J loud.] "l am extreme- 
ly honoured by Mr. Sterling. — Why don't you see him in, 
monsieur .-' [Softly.] I wish he was at the bottom of his 
stinking canal. [Door opens.] Oh, my dear Mr. Sterling, you 
do me a great deal of honour, - 

E7iter Sterling and Lovew^ell, r. h. 

Sfer. I hope my lord, that your lordship slept well la«t 
night — I beUeve there are no better beds in Europe than I 
have — I spare no pains to get them, nor money to buy them. 
His majesty, God bless him, don't sleep upon a better out of 
his palace ; and if I had said in, too, I hope no treason, my 
lord. 

Lord 0. Your beds are like every thing else about you — ■ 
incomparable ! They not only make one rest well, but give 
one spirits, Mr. Sterling. 

Ster. What say you then, my lord, to another walk io the 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 21 

p;arden You must see my water by day-light, and my walks, 
and nij. slopes, and my clumps, and my bridge, and my flow- 
ering trees, and my bed of Dutch tulips. Matters looked but 
dim last night, my lord. I feel the dew in my great toe — but 
I would pu^ on a cut shoe, that I might be able to walk you 
about : I may be laid up to-morrow. 

Lord 0. [Aside.] I pray heaven you may ! 

Ster. What say you, my lord ? 

Lord 0. I was saying, sir, that I was in hopes of seeing 
the young ladies at breakfa&t. Mr. Sterling, they are, in my 
mind, the finest tulips in this part of the world, he, he, he, he ! 

Ca7i. [l.] Bravissimo, my lor ! ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

[Lord Ogleby stops him. 

Ster. They shall meet your lordship in the garden — wr 
won't lose our walk for them ; I'll take you a little roun^? 
before breakfast, and a larger before dinner; and in the 
•jvening, you shall go the grand tour, as I call it, ha, ha, ha ! 

Lord 0. Not a foot I hope, M*r. Sterling : consider your 
gout, my good friend — you'll certainly be laid by the heels, 
for your politeness, he, he, he ! 

Can. Ha, ha, ha I 'tis admirable, en verite ! 

[Laughs very heartihj — Lord 0. stops him, 

Ster. If my young man [To Lovewell.] here, would but 
laugh at my jokes, which he ought to do, as mounseer doe-« 
at yours, my lord, we should be all life and mirth. 

Lord 0. What say you, Canton, will you take my kins- 
man into your tuition ? You have certainly the most com- 
panionable laugh ; and never out of tune. 

Can. But when your lordship is out of spirits. 

Lord 0. Well said, Canton ! But here comes my nephew, 
to play his part. 

Enter Sir John Melvil, r. h. 
Well, Sir John, what news from the island of love ? Have 
you been sighing and serenading this morning ? 

Sir J. I am glad to see your lordship in such spirits this 
morning. 

Lord 0. I am sorry to see you so dull, sir. What poor 
things, Mr. Sterling, these very young fellows are ! They 
make love with faces, as if they were burying the dead — 
though indeed a marriage sometimes may be properly called 
a burying of the living — eh, Mr. Sterling ? 

Ster. Not if they have enough to live upon, my lord — Ha, 
ha, ha ! 

Can. Dat is all Mons. Stirling tink of. 

Sir J. [Apart to Lovewell.] Pr'ythee, Lovewell, come with 



22 THB CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

me into the garden ; I have something of consequence for 
you, and I must communicate it directly. 

Love. \^Apart.'] We'll go together. If your lordship and 
Mr. Sterling please, we'll prepare the ladies to attend you in 
the garden. [Exeunt Sir John Melvil a7id Lovewell, r. h. 

Ste)\ My girls are always ready ; I make them rise soon, 
and to bed early ; their husbands shall have them with good 
constitutions and good fortunes, if they have nothing else, 
my lord. 

Lord 0. [l.] Fine things, Mr. Sterling. 

Sier. Fine things indeed, my lord ! — Ah, my lord, had you 
not run off your speed in your youth, you had not been so 
crippled in your age, my lord. 

Lord 0. Very pleasant, he, he, he ! [Half laughing. 

Ster. [r.] Here's mounseer, now, I suppose is pretty near 
your lordship's standing; but having little to eat, and little 
to spend in his own country, he'll wear three of your lord- 
ship out — eating and drinking kills us all. 

Lord 0. Very pleasant, I protest ! [Aside.^ What a vulgar 
dog ! 

Can. [l.] My lor so old as me ! He is chicken to me — 
and look like a boy to pauvre me. 

Sier. Ha, ha, ha ! Well said, mounseer ; keep to that, and 
you'll live in any country of the world — ha, ha, ha ! But, 
my lord, I will wait upon you in the garden : we have but a 
little time to breakfast. I'll go for my hat and cane, fetch a 
little walk with you, my lord, and then for the hot rolls and 
butter ! [Exit, r. h. 

Lord 0. I shall attend you with pleasure. — Hot rolls and 
butter in July ! I sweat with the thoughts of it — 

Can. C'est un barbave. 

Lord 0. He is a vulgar dog ; and if there was not so much 
money in the family, which I can't do without, I would leave 
him and his hot rolls and butter directly. Come along, 
monsieur ! [Exeunt, r. h. 

SCENE II.— The Garden. 
Enter Lovewell and Sir John Melvil, l. h. 
Love. In my room this morning? Impossible! 
Sir J. Before five this morning, I promise you. 
Love. On what occasion ? 

Sir J. I was so anxious to disclose my mind to you, that 
I could not sleep in my bed — but I found that you could not 
sleep neither. The bird was flown, and the nest long since 
cold. Where was you, Lovewell } 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 23 

Love. Pooh ! pr'ythee ! ridiculous ! 

Sir J. Come now, which was it ; Miss Sterling's maid ? a 
pretty little rogue ! — or Miss Fanny's Abigail ? a sweet soul 
too — or — 

Love. Nay, nay, leave trifling, and tell me your business. 

Sir J. Well, but where was you, Lovewell ? 

Love. Walking — writing — what signifies where I was ? 

Sir J. Walking ! yes, I dare say. It rained as hard as it 
could pour. Sweet, refreshing showers to walk in ! No, no, 
Lovewell. Now would I give twenty pounds to know which 
of the maids — 

Love. But your business ! your business, Sir John ! 

Sir J. Let me a little into the secrets of the family. 

Love. Pshaw ! 

Sir J. [Aside.'] Poor Lovewell ! he can't bear it, I see. 
Slie charged you not to kiss and tell, eh, Lovewell? — How- 
ever, though you will not honour me with your confidence, 
I'll venture to trust you with mine. — What do you think of 
^liss Sterling ? 

Love. What do I think of Miss Sterling r 

Sir J. Ay, what do you think of her } 

Love. An odd question ! — but I think her a smart, lively 
girl, full of mirth and sprightliness. 

Sir J. All mischief and malice, I doubt. 

Love. How ? 

Sir J. But her person — what d'ye think of that } 

Love. Pretty and agreeable. 

Sir J. A little grisette thing. 

Love. What is the meaning of all this .' 

Sir J. I'll tell you. You must know, Lovewell, notwith- 
standing all appearances — [A loud laugh heard without.'] We 
are interrupted. — When they are gone, I'll explain. 
Enter Canton, Lord Ogleby, Sterling, Mrs. Heidelberg, 
Miss Sterling, and Fanny, l. h. u. e. 

Lord 0. Great improvements indeed, Mr. Sterling ! won- 
derful improvements ! The four seasons in lead, the flying 
Mercury, and the bason with Neptune in the middle, are in 
the very extreme of fine taste. 

Ster. [r.] The chief pleasure of a country house is to 
make improvements, you know, my lord. I spare no ex- 
pense, not I. This is quite another-guess sort of a place 
than it was when I first took it, my lord. We were sur- 
rounded with trees — I cut down above fifty to make the 
lawn before the house, and let in the wind and the sun- 
smack smooth — as you see. Then I made a green-house out 



24 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

of the old laundry, and turned the brew-house into a pinery. 
The high octagon summer-house, you see yonder, is raised 
on the mast of a ship, given me by an East Indian captain, 
who has turned many a thousand of my money. It com- 
mands the whole road. All the coaches, and chariots, and 
chaises, pass and repass under your eye. I'll mount you up 
there in the afternoon, my lord. 

Lord 0. No, I thank you, Mr. Sterling. 

Ster. 'Tis the pleasantest place in the world to take a pipe 
and a bottle, and so you shall say, my lord. 

Lord 0. Ay, or a bowl of punch, or a can of flip, Mr. Ster- 
ling ; for it looks like a cabin in the air. If flying chairs 
were in use, the captain might make a voyage to the Indies 
in it still, if he had but a fair wind. 

Can. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Mrs. H. [l.j My brother's a little comical in his ideas, 
my lord ! — But you'll excuse him. I have a little Gothic 
dairy, fitted up entirely in my own taste. — In the evening, I 
shall hope for the honour of your lordship's company to take 
a dish of tea there, or a suUabub warm from the cow. 

Lord 0. I have every moment a fresh opportunity of ad- 
miring the elegance of Mrs. Heidelberg — the very flower of 
delicacy and cream of politeness. 

Mrs. H. [Leers at Lord Ogleby.] 0, my lord ! 

Lord 0. [Leers at Mrs. Heidelberg.] O, madam ! 

Ster. How d'ye like these close walks, my lord ? 

Lord 0. A most excellent serpentine ! It forms a perfect 
maze, and winds like a true-lover's knot. 

Ster. Ay, here's none of your straight lines here — but all 
taste — zigzag — crinkum-crankum — in and out — right and 
left — to and again — twisting and turning like a worm, my 
lord! 

Lord 0. Admirably laid out, indeed, Mr. Sterling ; one can 
hardly see an inch beyond one's nose any where in these 
walks. You are a most excellent economist of yoiu* land, and 
make a little go a great way. It lies together in as small 
parcels, as if it was placed in pots out at your window in Grace- 
church-street. 

Can. Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Lord 0. What d'ye laugh at, Canton ? 

Can. Ah ! que cette simditude est drole ! so clever what 
you say, mi lor. 

Lord 0. [To Fanny.] You seem mightily engaged, madam. 
Wha. are those i:retty hands so busily employed about ? 

[Sterling and Mrs. H. ^o tip, u 



THE CLAKDESTl>'B. MARRIAGE. 25 

Fan. [r.] Only making up a nosegay, my lord ! Will your 
lordship do me the honour of accepting it ? [Presents it. 

Lord 0. [l.] I'll wear it next my heart, madam. [A^iide.} 
I see the young creature doats on me ! 

Mm S. [l.] Lord, sister! you've loaded his lordship with a 
bunch of flowers as big as the cook or the nurse carries to town, 
on a Monday morning, for a beaupot. [Crosses to Lord O. — 
Fanny crosses behind to L.] Will your lordship give nie leave 
to pr^ent you with this rose, and a sprig of sweet-briar ? 

Lord 0. The truest emblems of yourself, nuidam : all 
sweetness and poignancy. [Aside.] A little jealous, poor 
soul ! 

Ster. Now, my lord, if you please, I'll carry you to see my 
ruins. 

Mrs. H. You'll absolutely fatigue his lordship with over- 
walking, brother I 

Lord 0. Not at all. madam ! We're in the garden of Eden, 
you know; in the region of perpetual spring,, youth, and 
beauty. [Leers at the women. 

Mrs. H. [Aside.'] Quite the man of qualaty, I vow and 
pertest. 

Can. [r.] Take a my arm, mi lor. 

[Lord Ogleby leans on him. 

Ster. I'll only show his lordship my ruins, and the cascade, 
and the Chinese bridge, and then we'll go in to breakfast. 

Lord 0. Ruins did you say, Mr. Sterling? 

Ster. Ay, ruins, my lord ! and they are reckoned very fine 
ones, too. You would think them ready to tumble on youi* 
head. It has just cost me a hundred and fifty pounds to put 
my ruins in thorough repair. This way, if your lordship 
pleases. [Crosses to r. 

Lord 0. [Going, stops.] What steeple's that we see yonder ? 
—the parish church, I suppose. 

Ster. Ha, ha, ha ! that's admirable. It is no church at all, 
my lord : it is a spire that I have built against a tree, a field 
or two ofi^, to terminate the prospect. One must always 
have a church, or an obelisk, or something to terminate the 
prospect, you know. That's a rule in taste, my lord. 

Lord 0. Very ingenious, indeed ! For my part, I desire 
no finer prospect than this I see before me. [Leers at the 
women.] Simple, yet varied ; bounded, yet extensive. Get 
away. Canton ! [Pushes Canton away.] I want no assistance 
■ — I'll walk with the ladies. 

Ster. This way, my lord. 

Lord 0. Lead' on, sir ; we young folks here will follow yovw 

D 



26 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Madam ! Miss Sterling ! Miss Fanny ! I attend you. [Mrs. 
H. crosses to Sterling, who gives her his arm, and exeunt f 
R. 'B.., followed by Lord O., gallanting the ladies.'} 

Can. l^Follovjing.'] He is cock o'de game, ma foi. [Exit, n. 

Sir J. Harkye, Lovewell ; you must not go — at length, 
thank heaven ! I have an opportunity to unbosom. I know 
you are faithful. Lovewell, «ad flatter myself you would re- 
joice to serve me 

Love. Be assured you mav depend upon me. 

Sir J. You must know, then, notwithstanding all appear- 
ances, that this treaty of marriage between Miss Sterling and 
me, will come to nothing. 

Love, [l.] How ? 

Sir J. It will be no match, Lovewell. 

Love. No match ? 

Sir J. No. 

Love. You amaze me. What should prevent it ? 

Sir J. I. 

Love. You ! Wherefore ? 

Sir J. I don't like her. 

Love. Very plain indeed. I never supposed that you weie 
extremely devoted to her from inclination, but thought you 
always considered it as a matter of convenience rather than 
affection. 

Sir J. Very true. I came into the family without any im- 
pressions on my mind — with an unimpassioned indifference, 
ready to receive one woman as soon as another. I looked 
upon love, serious sober love, as a chimera, and marriage as 
a thing of course, as you know most people do. But I, 
who was lately so great an infidel in love, am now one of its 
sincerest votaries. In short, my defection from Miss Ster- 
ling proceeds from the violence of my attachment to another. 

Love, [l.] Another! So, so! here will be fine work. And 
pray who is she ? 

Sir J. [r.] Who is she ! who can she be but Fanny — the 
tender, amiable, engaging Fanny .'' 

Love. Fanny ! what Fanny ? 

Sir J. Fanny Sterling, her sister. Is not sho an AJigel, 
Lovewell ? 

Love. Her sister ? Confusion ! — You mi.st not think of it, 
Sir John. 

Sir J. Not think of it ? I can think of nothing else. Nay, 
tell me, Lovewell, was it possible for me to be indulged in » 
perpetual intercourse with two such objects as Fanny and l?**? 
slater, and not find my heart led by insensible attractiou ttf- 



TO3 CLA5JDESTINE MAURI \GE. 27 

wards her ? You seem confounded. Why don't you answer 
me? 

Love. Indeed, Sir John, this event gives me infinite con- 
cera. Why did not you break this affair to the family be- 
fon^ .- 

Sir J. Under sucli embarrassed circumstances as I liave 
been can you wonder at my irresolution or perplexity ? No- 
thing but despair, the fear of losing my dear Fanny, could 
bring me to a declaration even now ; and yet I think I know 
Mr Sterling so well, that strange as my proposal may appear, 
if I can make it advantageous to him as a money transaction, 
as 1 am sure I can, he will certainly come into it. 

Love. But even suppose he should, which I very much 
doub% I don't think Fanny herself would listen to your ad- 
dresses. 

Sir J. You are deceived a little in that particular. 

Love. You'll find I'm in the right. 

Sir J. I have some little reason to think otherwise. 

Love. You have not declared your passion to her already } 

Sir J. Yes, I have. 

Love. Indeed ! And — and — and how did she receive it ? 

Sir J. I think it is not very easy for me to make my ad- 
dresses to any woman, without receiving some little encou- 
ragement. 

Love. Encouragement ! — did she give you any encourage- 
ment ? 

Sir J. I don't know what you call encouragement — ^but she 
blushed, and cried, and desired me not to think of it any 
more : upon which I pressed her hand, kissed it, swore she 
was an angel — and I could see it tickled her to the soul. 

Love. And did she express no surprise at your declaration? 

Sir J. Why, faith, to say the truth, she was a little sur- 
prised — and she got away from me, too, before I could 
thoroughly explain myself. If I should not meet with an 
opportunity of speaking to her, I must get you to deliver a 
letter for me. 

Love. I ! — a letter ! — I had rather have nothing — 

Sir J. Nay, you promised me your assistance — and I am 
sure you cannot scruple to make yourself useful on such an 
occasion. You ma^s without suspicion, acquaint her verbaHv 
of my determined afi'ection for her, and that I am resolveC :;o 
ask her fjitiier's consent. 

Love. As to that, I — your commands, you know — that S', 
if she — Indeed, Sir John, I think you are in the wron^. 

Sir J. Well, well — that's mv concern — Ha! taere sne goes. 



23 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

by heaven ! along that walk yonder, d'ye see ? I'll go to her 
immediately. \_Going, k. 

Love. You are too precipitate. Consider what you are 
doing, 

S^.r J. I vv-ould not lose this opportunity for the universe I 

la-ce. Nay, pray don't go. Your violence and cageraess 
nay overcome her spirits. The shock will be too much for 
her. [^Detains him. 

Sir J. Nothing shall prevent me — Ha ! now she turns into 
another walk — Let me go i \^Brtaks from him.'] I shall lose 
her. \_Going, turns back.] Be sure, now, to keep out of the 
way. If you interrupt us, I shall never forgive you. 

\_Exit hastily, R. H. 

Love. 'Sdeath, I can't bear this. In love with my wife ! 
pcquaint me with his passion for her! make his addresses be- 
fore my face ! — I shall break out before my time. This was 
the meaning of Fanny's uneasiness, She could not encou- 
rage him — I am siu-e she could not. Ha ! they are turning 
info the walk, and coming this way. Shall I leave the place .' 
\eave him to solicit my wife ? I can't submit to it. They 
vome nearer and nearer. If I stay, it will look suspicious ; 
it may betray us, and incense him. They are here — I must 
go — I am the most unfortunate fellow in the world ! yExit, l. 
Re-enter Fanny and Sir John Melvil, r. h. 

Fan. Leave me, Sir John — I beseech you, leave me ! Nr.y, 
why will you persist to follow me with idle solicitations, 
which are an affront to my character, and an injury to your 
own honour. 

Sir J. I know your delicacy, and tremble to offend it : but 
let the urgency of the occasion be my excuse. Consider, 
madam, that the future happiness of my life depends on my 
present application to you. Consider that this day must deter- 
mine my fate ; and these are perhaps the only moments left 
me to incline you to warrant my passion, and to entreat you 
not to object to the proposals 1 mean to open to your father. 

Fan. For shame, for shame, Sir John I Think of your pre- 
vious engagements Think of your own situation, and thmk 
of mine ! What have you discovered in my conduct that 
might encourage you to so bold a declaration ? I am shocked 
that you should venture to say so much, and blush that I 
should even dare to give it a hearing. Let me begone. 

\_Arjout to (]0. 

Sir J. Nay, stay, madam, but one moment. Your sensi- 
bility is too great. — Engagements ! what engagements have 
been pretended on either side, more than those of family 



THE CLAXDESTINE M.VIIRIA.GF. 29 

convenience ? I went on in the trammels of a matrimonial 
negotiation, with a blind submission to your father and Lord 
Ogleby ; b.ut my heart soon claimed a rii;-ht to be consulted. 
It has devoted itself to you, and obliges me to plead earnestly 
for the same tender interest in yours. 

Fan. Have a care, Sir John ! do not mistake a depraved 
will for a virtuous inclination. By these common pretences 
of the heart, half our sex are made fools, and a greater part 
of yours despise them for it. 

Sir J. Affection, you will allow, is involuntary. We can- 
not always direct it to the object on which it should fix — but 
when it is once inviolably attached, inviolably as mine is to 
you, it often creates reciprocal affection. When I last urged 
you on this subject, you heard me with more temper, and I 
hoped with some compassion. 

Fan. You deceived yourself. If I forbore to exert a proper 
spirit, nay, if I did not even express the quickest resentment 
at your behaviour, it was only in consideration of that respect 
I wish to pay you in honour to my sister ; and be assured, 
sir, woman as I am, that my vajiity could reap no pleasure 
from a triumph, that must result from the blackest treachery 
to her. \_Gomg, r. h. 

Sir J. [Stops her."] One word, and I have done. — Your 
sister, I verily believe, neither entertains any real affection 
for me, or tenderness for you. Your father, I am inclined to 
think, is not much concerned by means of which of his daugh- 
ters the families are united. Now, as they cannot, shall not be 
connected, otherwise than by my union with you, why will 
you, from a false delicacy, oppose a measure so conducive to 
my happiness, and, I hope, your own ? I love you, most pas- 
sionately and sincerely love you — and hope to propose terms 
agreeable to Mr. Sterling. If, then, you don't absolutely 
loath, abhor, and scorn me — if there is no other happier man — 

Fun. Hear me, sir; hear my final determination — Were 
my father and sister as insensible as you are pleased to re- 
prese-nt them ; were my heart for ever to remain disengaged 
to any other, I could not listen to your proposals. — What ! 
you on the very eve of a marriage with my sister ; I, living 
under the same roof with her, bound not only by the laws of 
friendship and hospitality, but even the ties of blood, to con- 
tribute to her happiness and not to conspire against her peace, 
the peace of a whole family, and that of my own too ! Away, 
away. Sir John ! — At such a time, and in such circumstances, 
your addresses only inspire me with horror. Nay, you must 
detain me no longer — I will go. ICrosses to b. 

D 3 



30 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Sir. J. Do rot leave me in aosolute despair ! — Give rac a 
glimpse of hope ! [Fall on his knees. 

Fan. I cannot. — Pray, Sir John ! — \_Strugyles to go. 

Sir J. Shall this hand be given to anothar ! \ Kisses her 
Timid.] No, I cannot endure it. — My who!:' soul is yours, and 
the whole happiness of my life is in your power. 

Re-enter Miss Sterling, r. h. 
[c. — RiscsJ] Miss Sterling! 

Miss S. I beg pardon, sir ! You'll excuse me, madam ! — 
I have broke in upon you a little unopportunely, 1 believe — 
but I did not mean to interrupt you — I only came, sir, to let 
you know that breakfast waits, if you have finished your 
morning's devotion. 

Sir J. [l.] I am very sensible, Miss Sterling, that this may 
appear particular, but — 

Miss S. O dear, Sir John, don't put yourself to the trouble 
of an apology — the thing explains itself. 

Sir J. It will soon, madam. — in the mean time, I can only 
assure you of my profound respect and esteem for you, and 
make no doubt of convincing Mr. Sterling of the honour and 
integrity of my intentions. — And — and — your humble ser- 
vant, madam ! [Ea,'it in confusion, l. h. 

Miss S. Respect! — Insolence ! — Esteem ! — Very fine, truly. 
— And you, madam ! my sweet, delicate, innocent, sentimen- 
tal sister ! will you convince my papa too, of the integrity of 
your intentions ? 

Fan. Bo not upbraid me, my dear sister ! Indeed, I don't 
deserve it. Believe me, you can't be more olfended at his 
behaviour than I am ; and I am sure it cannot make you half 
so miserable. 

Miss S. Make me miserable ! — You are mightily deceived 
madam ; it gives me no sort of uneasiness, I assure you. A 
base fellow ! As for you, miss, the pretended softness of 
your disposition, your artful good-nature, never imposed 
upon me. — I always knew you to be sly, envious, and deceit- 
ful. [Crosses R. 

Fan. Indeed you wrong me. 

Miss S. Oh, you are all goodness, to be sure ! Did not I 
find him on his knees before you ? Did not I see him kiss 
your sweet hand ? Did not I hear his protestations } Was 
not I a witness of your dissembled modesty ? — No, no, my 
dear ? don't imagine that you can make a fool of your elder 
sister so easily. 

Fa7i. Sir John I own is to blame ; but I am above the 
thoughts of doing you the least injury. 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE 31 

Miss S. We shall try that, madam. — I hope, miss, you'll 
be able to give a better account to my papa and my aunt, for 
they shall both know of this matter, I promise you. [E.vit, r. 

Fan. Mr. Lovewell must now become acquainted with Sir 
John's behaviour to me, and in a manner that may add to his 
uneasiness. My father, instead of being disposeu by fortu- 
nate circumstances tc forgive any transgressions, will be pre- 
viously incensed against me. My sister and my aunt will 
become irreconcileably my enemies, and rejoice in my dis- 
grace. — Yet, at all events, I am determined on a discovery. 

[Exit, L. H. 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 

SCENE L— A Hall. 
Enter a Servant, conductiny in Serjeant Flower, and Coun- 
sellors Traverse and Trueman, l. h., all booted. 

Serv. This way if you please, gentlem.er ' my master is at 
breakfast with the family at present, but I'll let him know, 
and he will wait on you immediately. 

FMv. Mighty well, young man, mighty well. 

Serv. Please to favour me with your names, gentlemen. 

Flow. Let Mr. Sterling know that Mr. Serjeant Flower, 
and two other gentlemen of the bar, are come to wait on 
him, according to his appointment. 

Serv. I will, sir. {Going. 

Floiv. And harkye, young man— [Servant returns.'] desire 
my servant — Mr. Serjeant Flower's servant, to bring in my 
green and gold saddle-cloth and pistols, and lay them down 
here in the hall, with my portmanteau. 

Serv. I wi'il, sir. {Exit, r. h. 

Flow. Well, gentlemen ! the settling these marriage articles 
falls conveniently enough — almost just on the eve of the cir- 
cuits. Let me see ! the Home, the Midland, and Western ; 
ay, we can all cross the country well enough to our several 
destinations. Traverse, when do you begin at Hertford ? 

Tra. The day after to-morrow. 

Flow. That is commission-day with us at Warwick too; 
but my clerk has retainers for every cause in the paper, so it 
will be time enough if I am there next morning. Besides, 
I've half a dozen cases that have lain by me ever since the 
spring assizes, and I must tack opinions to them 'before I see 
my country clients again ; so I'll take the evening before me, 
and then currente calamo, as I say ; eh, Traverse ? 



02 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Tra. True ; and pray, Mr. Serjeant, are you concerned in 
Jones and Thomas, at Lincoln ? 

Flow. I am — for the plaintiff. 

Tra. And what do you think on't ? 

Flow. A nonsuit. 

Tra. I thought so. 

Flow. Oh, no manner of doubt o'nt — luce clarlus — we have 
no right in us. We have but one chance. 

Tra. What's that ? 

Flmo. Why, my lord chief does not go the circuit this 
time, and my brother Puzzle being in the commission, the 
cause will come on before him. 

True, [l.] Ay, that may do indeed, if you can but throw 
dust in the eyes of the defendant's counsel. 

Flow. True. — Mr. Trueman, I think you are concerned for 
Lord Ogleby in this affair ? \_Crosses l. 

True. I am, sir. I have the honour to be related to his 
lordship, and hold some courts for him in Somersetshire — 
go the Western circuit, and attend the sessions at Exeter, 
merely because his lordship's interests and property lie in 
that part of the kingdom. 

Flow. Ha ! — and pray, Mr. Trueman, how long have you 
been called to the bar ? 

True. About nine years and three quarters. 

Flow. Ha ! — I don't know that I ever had the pleasure of 
seeing you before. — I wish you success, young gentleman. 
Enter Sterling, r. h, 

Ster. Oh, Mr. Serjeant Flower, I am glad to see you — 
your servant, Mr. Serjeant ! gentlemen, your servant ! Well, 
are all matters concluded ? Has that snail-paced convey- , 
ancer, old Ferret, of Gray's-inn, settled the articles at last .' 
Do you approve of what he has done ? Will his tackle hold, 
tight, and strong ? — Eh, master serjeant ? 

Flmv. My friend Ferret's slow and sure, sir — [Crosses r. c] 
But then, serius aut citius, as we say, sooner or later, Mr. Ster- 
ling, he is sure to put his business out of hand as he should 
do. My clerk has brought the writings, and all other instru- 
ments along with him ; and the settlement is 1 believe as good 
a settlement as any settlement on the face of the earth ! 

S/er. But that d — n'd mortgage of sixty thousand pounds, 
—There don't appear to be any other incumbrance, 1 liope? 

Tra. 1 can answer for that, sir — and that will be cleared 
off immediately on the payment of the first part of xVIiss 
Sterling's portion. — You asree, on your part, to come down 
with eighty thousand pounds. 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 33 

Sfer. Down on the nail. Ay, ay, my money is ready to- 
morrow, if he pleases — he shall have it in India bonds, or 
notes, or how he chooses. Your lords, and your dukes, and 
your people at the court end of the town, stick at payments 
souietinies — debts unpaid, no credit lost with them — but no 
fear of us substantial fellows — Eh, Mr. Serjeant ? 

I^hw. Sir John having last term, according to agreement, 
levied a fine and suffered a recovery, has hitherto cut off the 
entail of the Ogleby estate, for the better eflfecting the pur- 
poses of the present intended marriage ; on which above- 
mentioned Ogleby estate, a jointure of two thousand pounds 
per annum is secured to your eldest daughter, now Elizabeth 
Sterling, spinster ; and the whole estate, after the death of 
the aforesaid earl, descends to the heirs male of Sir John 
Melvil, on the body of the aforesaid Elizabeth Sterling law- 
fully to be begotten. 

Tra. Very true — and Sir John is to be put in immediate 
possession of as much of his lordohip's Somersetshire estate, 
as lies in the manors of Hogmore and Cranford, amounting 
to between two and three thousand pounds per annum, and 
at the death of Mr. Sterling, a further sum of seventy thou- 
sand — 

Enter Sir John Melvil, r. h. 

Ster. Ah, Sir John ! Here we are — hard at it — paving the 
road to matrimony. 

Sir J. I am sorry to interrupt you, sir ; but I hope that 
both you and these gentlemen will excuse me. [To Ster.] 
I Living something very particular for your private ear, I 
took the liberty of following you, and beg you will oblige me 
with an audience immediatt4y. 

Ster. Ay, with all my heart I — Gentlemen, Mr. Serjeant, 
you'll excuse it — business must be done, you know. The 
writings will keep cold till to-inorrow morning. 

Flow. I must be at Warwick, Mr, Sterling, the day after. 

Ster. Nay, nay, I shan't part with you to-night, gentle- 
men, I promise you. My house is very full, but I have beds 
for you all — beds for your servants, and stabling for all your 
horses. Will you take a turn in the garden, and view some 
of my improvements before dinner ? Or will you amuse your- 
selves on the green, with a game at bowls and a cool tan- 
kard ? — My servants shall attend you. Do you choose any 
other refreshment ? — Call for what you please ; do as you 
please ; make yourselves quite at home, I beg of you. — Here, 
Thomas ! Harry ! William ! — wait on these gentlemen 1 — 
[Follows the Lawyers out, l. h. bawling and talking, and then 



34 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

rfitnrm to Sir John.] And now, sir, I am entirely at your 
service. What are your commands with me. Sir John ? 

Sir J. After having carried the negotiation between our 
families to so great a length ; after having assented so readily 
to all your proposals, as well as received so many instances 
of your cheerful compliance with the demands made on our 
part, I am extremely concerned, Mr. Sterling, to be the in- 
voluntary cause of any uneasiness. 

Sler. Uneasiness ! what uneasiness ? — Where business is 
transacted as it ought to be, and the parties understand one 
another, there can be no uneasiness. You agree, on such 
and such conditions to receive my daughter for a wife, on the 
same conditions I agree to receive you as a son-in-law ; and 
as to all the rest, it follows or' course, you know, as regu- 
larly as the payment of a bill after acceptance. 

Sir J. [r.] Pardon me, sir, more uneasiness has arisen 
than you are aware of, I am myself, at this instant, in a 
state of inexpressible embarrassment ; INIiss Sterling, I know, 
is extremely disconcerted too ; and unless you will oblige me 
with the assistance of your friendship, I foresee the speedy 
progress of discontent and animosity through the whole 
family. 

Sier. What the deuce is all this } I don't understand a 
single syllable. 

Sir J. In one word, then — it will be absolutely impossible 
for me to fulfil my engagements in regard to Miss Sterling. 

Sier. How, Sir John ? Do you mean to put an affront 
upon my family } What ! refuse to — 

Sir J. Be assured, sir, thai I neither mean to affront nor 
forsake your family. My only fear is, that you should desert 
me ; for the whole happiness of my life depends on my being 
connected with your family, by the nearest and tenderest ties 
in the world, 

Ster. Why, did not you tell me, but a moment ago, that it 
was absolutely impossible for you to marry my daughter ? 

Sir J. True — but you have another daughter, sir — 

Ster. WeU! 

Sir J. Who has obtained the most absolute dominion over 
my heai't. I have already declared my })assion to her ; nay, 
Miss Sterling herself is also apprised of it ; and if you will 
but give a sanction to my present addresses, the uncommon 
merit of Miss Sterling will no doubt recommend her to a 
person of equal, if not superior rank to myself, and our fa- 
inilies may still be allied by my union with Miss Fanny. 

iicer. Mighty fine, truly 1 Why, what the plague do you 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 35 

make of us, Sir John ? Do you come to market for my 
daughter, like servants at a statute-fair ? Do you think that 
I will suffer you, or any man in the world, to come into my 
house, like the grand seignior, and throw the handkerchief 
lirst to one, and then to t'other, just as he pleases? Do you 
think I drive a kind of African slave-trade with them, and — 

Sir J. A moment's patience, sir ! Nothing but the excess 
of my passion for Miss Fanny, should have induced me to 
take any step that had the least appearance of disrespect to 
any part of your family ; and even now I am desirous to 
atone for my transgression, by making the most adequate 
compensation that lies in my power. 

Ster. [l.] Compensation ! what compensation can you 
possibly make in such a case as this. Sir John ? 

Sir J. Come, come, Mr. Sterling, I know you to be a man 
of sense, a man of business, a man of the world I'll deal 
frankly with you ; and you shall see that I don't desire a 
change of measures for my own gratification, without endea- 
vouring to make it advantageous to you. 

Ster. What advantage can your inconstancy be to me. Sir 
John ? 

Sir J. I'll tell you, sir. — ^You know that by the articles at 
present subsisting between us, on the day of my marriage 
with Miss Sterling, you agree to pay down the gross sum of 
eiu'hty thousand pounds. 

^Ster. Well! 

Sir J. Now, if you will but consent to my waving that 
marriage — 

Ster. I agree to your waving that marriage ? Impossible, 
Sir John ! 

Sir J. I hope not, sir ; as, on my part, I will agree to wave 
my right to thirty thousand pounds of the fortune I was to 
receive with her. 

Ster. Thirty thousand, d'ye say ? 

Sir J. Yes, sir ; and accept of Miss Fanny with fifty thou- 
sand, instead of fourscore. 

Ster. Fifty thousand — [^Pausing. 

Sir J. Instead of fourscore. 

Ster. Why — why — there may be something in that. — Let 
me see — Fanny with fifty thousand, instead of Betsy with 
fourscore. — Why, to do you justice. Sir John, there is some- 
thing fair and open in your proposal ; and since I find you 
do not mean to put an affront upon the family — 

Sir J. [r.] Nothing was ever further from my thoughts, 
Mr. Sterling. And, after all, the whole affair is nothing ex- 



3") THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGS. 

tniordlnary — such thinirs happen every day ; and as ths world 
has only her.rd trenerally of a treaty between the families, 
wlien this marna^e takes place, nobody will be the wiser, ii 
we have bvit discrv*tion enough to keep our own counsel. 

Sfer. True, true; and since you only transfer from one 
jrirl to the other, it is no more than transferring so much 
stock, you know. 

Sir J. The very thing ! 

Sler. Odso ! I had quite forgot — we are reckoning without 
our host here — there is another difficulty — 

Sir J. You alarm me I What can that be ? 

Stpr. I can't stir a step in this business without consulting 
my sister Heidelberg. The family has very great expectations 
from her, and we must not give her any offence. 

Sir J. But if you come into this measure, surely she will be 
so kind as to consent — 

Ster. I don't know that ; Betsy is her darling, and I can't 
tell how far she may resent any slight that seems to be offered 
to her favourite niece. However, I'll do the best I can for 
you. You shall go and break the matter to her first, and by 
the time I may suppose that your rhetoric has prevailed on 
her to listen to reason, I will step in to re-inforce your argu- 
ments. 

Sir J. I'll fiy to her immediately — you promise me your 
assistance? {Crosses to h. 

Ster. I do. 

Sir J. Ten thousand thanks for it ! And now, success at- 
tend me ! \_Going, l. h. 

Ster. Harkye, Sir John. [Sir John returns.'] Not a word 
of the thirty thousand to my sister. Sir John. 

Sir J. O, I am dumb, I am dumb, sir. \_G in/j. 

Ster. You'll remember it is thirty thousand ? 

Sir J. To be sure I do. 

Ster. But, Sir John — one thing more. [Sir John returnif.] 
My lord must know nothing of this stroke of friendship be- 
tween us. 

Sir J, Not for the world. Let me alone ! let me alone ! 

[ Offering to fjo. 

Ster. ^Holding fiim.'] And when every thing is agreed, we 
must give each other a bond to be held fast to the bargain. 

Sir J. To be sure. A bond by all means ; a bond, or 
whatever you please. [^Exit hastily,!., h. 

Ster. I should have thought of more conditions — he's in a 
humour to give me every thing. Why, what mere children are 
your fellows of quality, that cry for a plaything one minute, and 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 37 

throw it by the ne ct ! — as chanarpable as the weather, and as 
uncertain as the sto -ks. Special fellows to drive a bargain ; and 
yet they are to talc care of the interest of the nation, truly. 
Here does this whirliirig man of fashion off^r to give up thirty 
thousand pounds iu hard money, witli as much indifference 
as if it was a Chinx orange. Well, thus it is, that the chil- 
dren of citizens who have acquired fortunes, prove persons of 
fashion : and thus it is. that persons of fashion who have 
ruined their fortunes, reduce the next generation to cits. 

[Exit, L. H. 

SCENE II. — Another Apartment — Table and two Chairs, c. 
Enter Miss Sterling and Mi^s. Hkidklberg, r. h. 

Miss S. This is your gentle-looking, soft-speaking, sweet- 
smiling, affable Miss Fanny, for you ! 

Mrs. H. My Miss Fanny ! I disclaim her. With all her 
arts, she never could insinuate herself into my good graces; 
and yet she has a way with her, that deceives man, woman, 
and child, except you and me, niece. 

Miss S. O ay — she wants nothing but a crook in her hand, 
and a lamb under her arm, to be a perfect picture of inno- 
cence and simplicity. 

Mrs. H. Just as I was drawn at Amsterdam, when I went 
over to visit my husband's relations. 

Miss S. And then she's so mighty good to servants — " Pray, 
John, do this — pray, Thomas, do that — thank you, Jenny" — 
and then so humble to her relations — " To be sure, papa — 
as my aunt pleases — my sister knows best." — But with all 
her demureness and humility, ^he has no objection to be 
Lady Melvil, it seems, nor to any wickedness that can make 
her so. 

Mrs. H, She Lady Melvil ! Compose yourself, niece ! I'll 
ladyship her, indeed : — a little creppin cantin — She sha'n't be 
the better for a farden of my money. But tell me. child, 
how does this intriguing with Sir John correspond with her 
partiality to Lovewell .' I don't see a concatimation here. 

Miss S. There I was deceived, madam. I took all their 
whisptrings and stealings into corners, to be the mere attrac- 
tion of vulgar minds ; but, behold I their private meetings 
were not to contrive their own insipid happuiess, but to con- 
spire against mine. But I know whence prucetds Mr. Love- 
wtU's resentment to me. I could not stoop to be familiar 
with my fathers clerk, and so I have lost his interest. 

Mrs. II. [r.] My spurit to a T, My dear cliild ! [Kisf^fM 
fier.j Mr. Heidelberg lost his election for member of i ariiA- 



33 1 IK CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

nient, because I would not demean myself to be slobtercd 
about by drunken shoemakers, beastly cheesemongers, and 
^^l!ow-cliandlers. However, niece, I can't help diffuring a 
little in opinion from you in this matter. My experunce and 
sagucity makes me still suspect that there is something more 
between her and that Lovewell, notwithstanding this affair 
of Sir John. I had my eye upon them the whole time of 
breakfast. Sir John, I observed, looked a little confounded, 
indeed, though I knew nothing of what had passed in the 
garden. You seemed to sit upon thorns too ; but Fanny 
and Mr. Lovewell made quite another-guess sort of a figur ! 
and were as perfect a pictur of two distrest lovers, as if it had 
been drawn by Raphael Angelo. As to Sir John and Fanny, 
I want a matter of fact. 

Miss S. [l.] Matter of fact, madam ! Did not I come un- 
expectedly upon them ? Was not Sir John kneeling at her 
feet, and kissing her hand ? Did not he look all love, and 
she all confusion ? Is not that matter of fact ? And did not 
Sir John, the moment that papa was called out of the room 
to the lawyer-men, get up from breakfast, and follow him 
immediately ? And I warrant you, that by this time he has 
made proposals to hira to marry my sister, Oh, that some 
other person, an earl or a duke, would make his addresses to 
me, that I might be revenged on this monster ! [Crosses to r. 

Mrs. H. Be cool, child ! you shall be Lady Melvil, in spite 
of all their caballins, if it cost me ten thousand pounds to 
turn the scale. Sir John may apply to my brother, indeed ; 
but I'll make them all know who governs in this fammaly. 

Miss S. As I live, madam, yonder comes Sir John. A base 
man ! I can't endure the sight of him. I'll leave the room 
this instant. [Disordered. 

Mrs. H. Poor thing ! "Well, retire to your own chamber, 
child ! I'll give it him, I warrant you ; and by-and-by I'll 
come and let you know all that has passed between us. 

Miss S. Pray do, madam. [Looking back.'] A vile wretch ! 

[EjL'it in a rage, R. H, 
Enter Sir John Melvil, l. h. 

Sir J. Your most obedient humble servant, madam. 

[Bowing very respectfully. 

Mrs. H. Your servant, Sir John. 

[Dropping a half courtesy, and pouting. 

Sir J. [l.] Miss Sterling's manner of quitting the room 
on my approach, and the visible coolness of your behaviour 
to me, madam, convince me that she has acquainted you witii 
what passed this morning. 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGB. 39 

Mrs. H. [r.] I am very sorry, Sir John, to be made ac- 
quainted with any thing that should induce me to change the 
opinion \Yhifh I would always wish to entertain of a person 
of qualaty. [Poutinp. 

Sir J. It has always been my ambition to merit the best 
opinion from Mrs. Heidelberg; and when she comes to weigh 
circumstances, I flatter myself — 

Mrs. H. You do flatter yourself, if you imagine that I can 
approve of your behaviour to my niece. Sir John. — And give 
me leave to tell you, Sir John, that you have been dr^wn 
into an action much beneath you. Sir John ; and that I look 
upon every injury offered to Miss Betty Sterling, as an aff'ront 
to myself, Sir John. [ Warmly. 

Sir J. I would not offend you for the world, madam ; but 
when I am influenced by a partiality for another, however ilU 
founded, I hope your discernment and good sense will think 
it rather a point of honour to renounce engagements which I 
could not fulfil so strictly as I ought ; and that you will ex- 
cuse the change in my inclinations, since the new object, as 
well as the first, has the honour of being your niece, madam. 

Mrs. H. I disclaim her as a niece, Sir John ; Miss Ster- 
ling disclaims her as a sister ; and the whole fammaly must 
disclaim her, for her monstrous baseness and treachery. 

Sir J. Indeed she has been guilty of none, madam. Her 

hand and her heart are, I am sure, entirely at the disposal of 

yourself and Mr. Sterling. And if you should not oppose 

my inclinations, I am sure of Mr. Sterling's consent, madam. 

Enter Sterling, l. h. u. e. 

Mrs. H. Indeed ? 

Sir J. Quite certain, madam. 

Ster. [Behind.'] So ! they seem to be coming to terms 
already. I may venture to make my appearance. 

Mrs. H To marry Fanny ? [Sterling advances by degrees* 

Sir J. Yes. madam. 

il/r*. N. My brother has given his consent, you say ? 

Sir J. In the most ample manner, with no other restriction 
than the failure of your concurrence, madam. [Sees Sterling.] 
Oh, here's Mr. Sterling, who will confirm what I have told 
you. 

Mrs. H. What ! have you consented to give up your eldest 
daughter in this manner, brother .' 

Ster. [In centre.'] Give her up, heaven forbid ; no, not 
give her up, sister; only in case that you — [Apart to Sir J.] 
Zounds, I am afraid you have said too much, Sir John. 

Mrs. H. Yes, yes ; I see now that it is true enough what 



40 THE CLAXDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

my niece told me. You are all plottin and caballin against 
her. Pray, does Lord Oirleby know of this affair ? 

Sir J. I have not yet made him acquainted v/ith it, madam. 

Mr-f. H. No, I warrant you, I thought so.— And so his 
lordsliip and myself, truly, are not to be consulted till the last. 

Sier. What! did not you consult my lord ? Oh, fie for 
shame, Sir John ! 

Sir J. Nay, but Mr, St.-rling — 

MrH. H. We, who are the persons; of most consequence 
and experunce in the two fanunalies, are to know nothinu^ of 
the matter, till the whole is as good as concluded upon. But 
his lordship, I am sure, will have more generosaty tlnui to 
countenance sucli a perceding. And I could not have exncctec) 
such behaviour from a person of your qualaty, Sir Jolm. — 
And as for you, brother — 

Ster. [r,] Nay nay, but hear me, sister. 

Mrs. H. I am perfectly ashamed of you. Have you no 
spurrit ? no more concern for the honour of our fammaly, 
than to consent — 

Ster. Consent ! I consent ! As I hope for mercy, I never 
gave my consent. Did I consent. Sir John .' 

Sir J. Not absolutely, without Mrs, Heidelberg's concur- 
rence. But in case of her approbation — 

Ster. Ay, in case I grant you ; that is, if my sister ap- 
proved. [ Jb Mrs. H.J But that's quite another thing, you 
know. 

Mrs. H. Your sister approve, indeed ! — I thought you knew 
Jier better, brother Sterling ! What ! approve of having 
your eldest daughter returned upon your hands, and ex- 
changed for the younger } 1 am surprised how you could 
listen to such a scandalous proposal. 

Ster. [c] I tell you, I never did listen to it. Did not I 
say, that I would be entirely governed by my sister. Sir John .' 
And unless she agreed to your marrying Fanny — 

Mrs. H. [r.] I agree to his marrying Fanny ! abominable ! 
— The man is absolutely out of his senses. — Can't that wise 
head of yours foresee the consequence of all this, brother 
Sterling.' Will Sir John take Fanny without a fortune i" — 
No I — After you have settled the largest part of your property 
on your youngest daughter, can there be an equal portion left 
for the eldest i — No ! Does not this overturn tlie whole- systum 
of the fammaly .' — Yes, yes, yes ! \_Goes up, Sterling of lev her 
— come doum again directly ] You know I was always for my 
niece Betsy's marrying a person of the very first cjualaty. 
That was my ma.\um : and, therefore much the lar-est settle- 



THK CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 41 

mcnt was, of course, to be made upon her. As for Fanny, if 
she could, with a fortune of twenty or tliirty thousand pounds, 
get a knight, or a member of parliament, or a rich common 
council-man, for a husband, I thought it might do very 
well. 

Sir. J. [l.] But if a better match should offer itself, why 
should it not be accepted, madam ? 

Mrs. H. What ! at the expense of her elder sister ? fie, 
Sir John! — How could you bear to hear such an indig- 
uaty, brother Sterling ? 

S/er. I ! Nay, I sha'n't hear of it, I promise you. I can't 
hear of it, indeed, Sir John. 

Mrs. H. But you have heard of it, brother Sterling — you 
know you have, and sent Sir John to propose it to me. But 
if you can give up your daughter, I sha'n't forsake my niece, 
I assure you. Ah, if my poor dear Mr. Heidelberg, and our 
sweet babes had been alive, he would not have behaved so. 

Ster. Did I, Sir John ? — {Apart to Sir John.] Nay, speak ! 
Bring me olF, or we are ruined. 

Sir J. Why, to be sure, to speak the truth — 

Mrs. II. To speak the truth ! — To speak the truth ; I'm 
ashamed of you both. But have a care what you are about, 
brother ! have a care, I say. The counsellors are in the house, 
I hear ; and if every thing is not settled to my liking, I'll 
have nothing more to say to you, if I live these hundred years 
— I'll go over to Holland, and settle with Mr. Vandcrspracken, 
my poor husband's first cousin, and my own fannnaly shall 
never be the better for a farden of my money, I promise you. 

[EoCit, H. H. 

Ster. I thought so. I knew she would never agree to it. 

Sir J. 'Sdeath, how unfortunate. What can we do, Mr. 
Sterling ? 

Ster. Nothing. [Crosses to r. 

Sir J. What, must our agreement break off the moment it 
is made, then ? 

Ster. It can't be helped, Sir John. The family, as I told 
you before, have great expectations from my sister ; and if 
this matter proceeds, you hear yourself that she threatens to 
leave us. My brother Heidelberg was a warm man — a very 
warm man, and died worth a plum at least : — a plum ! ay, I 
warrant you, he died worth a plum and a half. 

Sir J. Well; but if I— 

Ster. And then, my sister has three or four very good 
mortgages, a deal of money in the three-per-cents,, and old 
South Sea annuities, besides large concerns in the Dutch and 

E 3 



42 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGK. 

French funds. The greatest part of all this she means to 
leave to our famih^ 

Sir J. I can only say, sir — 

Sler. Why, your oflfer of the difference of thirty thousand 
was very fair and handsome, to be sure, Sir John. 

Sir J. Nay, hut I am willing to — 

Sler. Ay, but if I was to accept it against her will, I might 
lose a hundred thousand ; so you see the balance is against 
you, Sir John. 

Sir J. Suppose I was to prevail on Lord Ogleby to apply 
to her, do you think that would have any influence over her ? 

Ster. I think he would be more likely to persuade her to 
it than any other person in the family. She has a great respect 
for Lord Ogleby. She loves a lord. 

Sir J. I'll api)ly to him this very day. And if he should 
prevail on Mrs. Heidelberg, I may depend on your friendship, 
Mr. Sterling ? 

Sier. Ay, ay, I shall be glad to oblige you, when it is 
in my power; [Crosses to l.] but as the account stands now, 
you see, it is not upon the figures. And so, your servant, 
Sir John. [Exit, l. h. 

Sir J. What a situation am I in ! — Breaking off with her 
whom I was bound by treaty to marry ; rejected by the ob- 
ject of my affections ; and embroiled with this turbulent wo- 
man, who governs the whole family. And yet opposition, 
instead of smothering, increases my inclination — I must have 
her. I'll apply immediately to Lord Ogleby ; and if he can 
but bring over the aunt to our party, her influence will over- 
come the scruples and delicacy of my dear Fanny, and I shall 
be the happiest of mankind. [Exit, r. 

END OF ACT III. 



ACT IV. 

SCENE 11. — A Room, as before. 
Evter Mr. Sterling, Mrs. Heidelberg, and 
Miss Sterling, r. h. 
Sfer. What ! will you send Fanny to town, sister ? 
Mrs. H. To-morrow morning. I've given orders about it 
already. 

Sfer. Indeed ! 
Mrs. H. Posatively. 

Ster. But consider, sister, at such a time as this, what an 
odd appearance it will have. 

Mrs. H. Not half so odd as her behaviour, brother. This 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 4$ 

time was intended for happiness, and I'll keep no incendiaries 
here to destroy it. I insist on her going oflF to-morrow 
morning. 

Sfer. I'm afraid this is all your doing, Betsy ? 

Miss S. No indeed, papa. ]\Iy aunt knows that it is not. 
For all Fanny's baseness to me, I am sure I would not do 
or say any thing to hurt her, with you or my aunt, for the 
world. 

Mrs. H. Hold your tongue, Betsy ; I will have my way.— 
When she is packed oflf, every thing will go on as it shoul 
do. Since they are at their intrigues, I'll let them see that 
we can act with vigour on our part ; and the sending her out 
of the way, shall be the purluminary step to all the rest of my 
perceedings. 

Ster. Well, but sister — 

Mrs. H. It does not signify talking, brother Sterling, for 
I'm resolved to be rid of her, and I will. \_To Miss Sterling.] 
Come along, child. The post-shay shall be at the door by 
six o'clock in the morning ; and if Miss Fanny does not get 
into it, why I will — and so there's an end of the matter. 
[Bounces out ivith Miss Sterling, r. h. ; then returns.'] One 
word more, brother Sterling — I expect that you will take your 
eldest daughter in your hand, and make a formal complaint 
to Lord Ogleby of Sir John Melvil's behaviour. Do this, 
brother ! show a proper regard for the honour of your fam- 
lualy yourself, and I shall throw in my mite to the raising of it. 
If not — but now you know my mind. So act as you please, 
and take the consequences. [Exit, r. h. 

Ster. The devil's in the women for tyranny ! Mothers, 
wives, mistresses, or sisters, they always will govern us. As 
to my sister Heidelberg, she knows the strength of her purse, 
and domineers upon the credit of it. [Mimicking,'] " \ wiU do 
this," and " you shall do that," and " you shall do t'other — 
or else the fummaly sha'n't have a furden of" — So absolute 
with her money. But, to say the truth, nothing but money 
can make us absolute, and so we must e'en make the best of 
her. [Exit, l. h. 

SCENE \\.—The Garden. 
Enter Lord Ogleby a7id Canton, l- H- 

Lord 0. What ! Mademoiselle Fanny to be sent away ?— • 
Why .' — Wherefore ? — What's the meaning of all this } 

Can, Je ne scais pas — I know nothing of it. 

Lord 0. It can't be— it sha'n't be : I protest against the 
measure. She's a fine girl ; and I had much rather that the 
rest of the family were annihilated, than that she should 



44 THE CLANDESIIXE MARRIAGE. 

leave us. Her vulgar father, that's the very abstract of 
Change-alley — the aunt, that's always endt-avouring to be a 
fine lady — and the pert sister, for ever shewing that she is 
one, are horrid eonipany indeed, and without her would be 
intolerable. Ah, la petite Fanchon ! she's the thing : isn't 
she, Canton? 

Can. Dere is very good sympatic entre vous and dat young 
lady, my lor. 

Lord 0. I'll not be left among these Goths and Vandals ; 
your Sterlings, your Hcidelbergs, and Devilbergs — if she 
goes, I'll positively go too. 

Can. In de same post-chay, my lor : You have no objection 
to dat, I believe, nor mademoiselle neither too — ha, ha, ha ! 

Lord 0. Pr'ythee hold thy foolish tongue. Canton. Does 
thy Swiss stupidity imagine that I can see and talk with a 
fine girl without desires ? My eyes are involuntarily attracted 
by beautiful objects — I fly as naturally to a tine girl — 

Can. As de fine girl to you, my lor, ha, ha, ha ! you always 
fly togedre, like un pair de pigeons — 

Lord 0. [Mocks him.] — Like un pair de pigeons. Vous 
etes un sot, Mons. Canton. Thou art always dreaming of 
my intrigues ; and never see'st me badiner, but you suspect 
mischief, you old fool you. 

Can. I am fool, I confess, but not always fool in dat, my 
lor, he, he, he ! 

Lord 0. He, he, he ! — Thou art incorrigible, but thy absur- 
dities amuse me. Thou art like my rappee here, [Takes out 
his iojr.] a most ridiculous superfluity ; but a pinch of thee 
now and theu is a most delicious treat. [Croases to l. h. 

Can. You do me great honeur, mi lor. 

Lord 0. 'Tis fact, upon my soul. Thou art properly my 
cephalic snuff, and art no bad medicine against megrims, 
vertigoes, and profound thinking — ha, ha, ha ! 

Can. Your flatterie, my lor, vil make me too prode. 

Lord 0. The girl has some little partiality for uie, to be 
sure : but pr'ythee. Cant, is not that Miss Fanny, yonder ? 

Can. [Looks with a glass.] Ah — lavoila ! En verite, 'tis 
she, mi lor — 'tis one of de pigeons — de pigeons d'amour. 

Lord O. Don't be so ridiculous, you old monkev, [Smiles, 

Can. I am monkee, I am ole ; but I have eye, t have ear, 
and a little understand, now and den. 

Lord 0. Taisez vous bete ? 

Can. Elle vous attend, my lor. — She vil make a love to you. 

Lord 0. Will she ? Have at her then ! A fine girl can't 
obliure me more. Egad, I find myself a little enjoue. — Come 



TUB CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 45 

along, Cant ! she is but in the next walk — but there is such 
a deal of this d — ned crinkuin-craiikxim, as Sterling calls it, 
that one sees people for half au liour, before one can get to 
them. — Allons, Mons. Canton, allons, done ! 

\_Exfunt, Hinging in French, r. h. 

SCENE III.— Another part of the Garden. 
Enter Love well and Fanny, l. h. 

Love. My dear Fanny, I cannot bear your distress ; it 
overcomes all my resolutions, and I am prepared for the 
discovery. 

Fan. But how can it be effected before my departure ? 

Love. I'll tell you. — Lord Ogleby seems to entertain a vi- 
sible partiality for you ; and notwithstanding the peculiarities 
of his behaviour, I am sure that he is humane at the bottom. 
He is vain to an excess ; but withal extremely good-natured, 
and would do any thing to recommend himself to a lady. — 
Do you open the whole affair of our marriage to him imme- 
diately. It will come with more irresistible persuasion from 
you than from myself; and I doubt not but you'll gain his 
friendship and protection at once. His influence and autho- 
rity will put an end to Sir John's solicitations, remove your 
aunt's and sister's unkindness and suspicions, and, I hope, 
reconcile your father and whole family to our marriage. 

Fan. Heaven grant it ! Where is my lord ? 

Love. I have heard him and Canton, since dinner, singing 
French songs, under the great walnut-tree, by the parlour 
door. If you meet with him in the garden, you may disclose 
the whole immediately, — He approaches — I must retire. — 
Speak, my dear Fanny, speak, and make us happy ! [_Exit, r. 

Fan. Good heavens, what a situation I am in ! What 
shall I do ? What shall I say to him .' I am all confusion. 
Enter Lord Ogleby and Canton, l. h. 

Lord 0. To see so much beauty so solitary, madam, is a 
satire upon mankind, and 'tis fortunate that one man has 
broke in upon your reverie, for the credit of our sex. I say 
one, madam ; for poor Canton here, from age and infirmities, 
stands for nothing. 

Can. Nothing at all, indeed. 

fun. Your lordship does me great honour. — I had a favour 
to request, my lord. 

Lord 0. A favour, madam ? — To be honoured with your 
commands, is an inexpressible favour done to me, madam. 

Fan. If your lordsiiip could indulge me with the honour 
of a moment's — lAside.} What's the matter with nie ? 



46 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Lord 0. \_Aside.'] The girl's confused — Hey! — here's some- 
thing in the wind, faith — I'll have a tete-a-tete with her. 
[7b Canton.] Allez vous en ? 

Can. [Apart to Lord O.] I go — Ah, pauvre mademoiselle! 
My lor, have pitie upon de poor pigeone ! 

Lord 0. [Smiles.'] I'll knock you down, Cant. 

Can. [Shvffies along.'] Den I go. [Aside.] You are mosh 
please, for all dat. [Exit, l. h. 

Fan. [Aside.] I shall sink with apprehension. 

Lord 0. [Aside.] What a sweet girl ! — she's a civilized 
being, and atones for the barbarism of the rest of the family. 

Fan. [Courtesies and blushes.] My lord ! I — 

Lord 0. I look upon it, madam, to be one of the luckiest 
circumstances of my life, that I have at this moment the 
honour of receiving your commands, and the satisfaction of 
confirming with my tongue, what my eyes perhaps have but 
too weakly expressed — that I am literally the humblest of 
your slaves. 

Fan. I think myself greatly honoured by your lordship's 
partiality to me ; but it distresses me that I am obliged, in 
my present situation, to apply to it for protection. 

Lord 0. I am happy in your distress, madam, because it 
gives me an opportunity to show my zeal. — Beauty to me is 
a religion, in which I was born and bred a bigot, and would 
die a martyr. [Aside.] I'm in tolerable spirits, faith ! 

Fan. There is not, perhaps, at this moment, a more dis- 
tressed creature than myself. Aflfection, duty, hope, despair, 
and a thousand different sentiments, are struggling in my 
bosom ; and even the presence of your lordship, to whom I 
have flown for protection, adds to my perplexity. 

Lord 0. Does it, madam ? Venus forbid ! [Aside, and 
smiling.] My old fault ; the devil's in me I think, for perplex- 
ing young women. Take courage, madam ! dear Miss Fanny 
explain. — You have a powerful advocate in my breast, I as- 
sure you — My heart, madam. I am attached to you by all the 
laws of sympathy and delicacy. — By my honour, I am. 

Fan. Then I will venture to unburthen my mind.— Sir 
John Melvil, my lord, by the most misplaced and mistimed 
declaration of affection for me, has made me the unhappiest 
of women. 

Lord 0. How, madam ! Has Sir John made his addresses 
to you } 

Fan. He has, my lord, in the strongest terms. But I hope 
it is needless to say, that my duty to my father, love to my 
sister, and regard to the whole family, as well as the great 



THE CLANDESTINE MAHRIAGE. 47 

rpsperc I entertiiin for your lordship, ICourtesies.'] made me 
shudder at liis addresses. 

Lord O. [i-.] Charming girl! — Proceed, my dear Miss 
Fanny, procc;'tl ! 

Fan. [r.] In a moment — give me leave, my lord I — But 
if what I have to disclose should be received with anger or 
displeasure — 

Lord 0. Impossible, by all the tender powers ! — Speak, I 
beseech you, or I shall divine the cause before you utter it. 

Fan. Then, my lord. Sir John's addresses are not only 
shocking to me in themselves, but are more particularly dis- 
agreeable to me at this time — as — as — {^Hesitates. 

Lord 0. As what, madam ? 

Fan. As — pardon my confession — I am entu-ely devoted 
to another. 

Lord 0. [Aside.'] If this is not plain, tlie devil's in it. But 
tell me, my dear Miss Fanny, for I must know ; tell me the 
liow, the when, and the where. — Tell me — 

Re-enter Canton, hastily, l. h. 

Can. My lor, my lor, my lor ! 

Lord 0. D — n your Swiss impertinence! how durst yo i. 
interrupt me in the most critical, melting moment, that ever 
love and beauty honoured me with. 

Can. I demande pardonne, my lor ! 'Sir John Melvil, my 
lor, sent me to beg you do him de honeur to speak a little to 
you, my lor. 

Lord 0. I'm not at leisure — I am busy. — Get away, yo'.' 
stupid old dog, you Swiss rascal, or I'll — 

Can. Fort bien, my lor. [Goes out on t'-ptoe, l. h 

Lord 0. By the laws of gallantry, madam, this iuterruptioa 
should be death ! But as no punishment ought to disturb the 
triumph of the softer passions, the criminal is pardoned an;' 
dismissed. Let us return, madam, to the highest luxury of 
exalted minds — a declaration of love from the lips of beauty. 

Fan. [Aside.l The entrance of a third person has a little 
relieved me, but I cannot go through with it ; and yet I must 
open my heart with a discovery, or it will break with its 
burthen. 

Lord 0. [Aside.'] What passion in her eyes ! I am alarmed 
to agitation. I presume, madam, (and as you have flattered 
me, by making me a party concerned, I hope you'll excuse 
the presumption), that — 

Fan. Do you excuse my making you a party concerned, 
my lord, and let me interest your heart in my behalf, as my 
future happiness or misery in a great measure depend — 



48 TUB CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Lord 0. Upon me, madam ? 

Fan. Upon you, my lord. \^Siyhs. 

Lord 0. There's no standing thi^ : I have caught the in- 
fection — her tenderness dissolves me. [Sighs. 

Fan. And should you too severely judge of a rash action 
vhich passion prompted, and modesty has long concealed — 

Lord 0. \_Takea her hand.] Thou amiable creature, com- 
mand my heart, for it is vanquished. Speak but thy virtuous 
wishes, and enjoy them. 

Fan. I cannot, my lord ; ind.ed I cannot. Mr. Lovewell 
must tell you my distresses; and when you know them, pity 
and protect me. \_Exit in tears, r. h. 

Lord 0. How the devil could I bring her to this ? — It is 
too much — too much — I can't bear it — I must give way to 
this amiable weakness. [Wipes his eijes.] My heart overtiows 
with sympathy, and I feel every tenderness I have inspired. 
[Stides a tear.] Can I be a man and withstand it? No — I'll 
sacrifice the whole sex to her. But here comes the father, 
ciuite apropos. I'll open the matter immediately, settle the 
business vvith him, and take the sweet girl down to Ogleby- 
house to-morrow morning. But what the devil ! Miss Ster- 
ling too ! What mischief's in the wind now? No con([uest 
there — no, no, that would be too much desolation in the 
family. 

Enter Sterling and Miss Sterling, l. h. 

Sfer. My lord, your servant ! I am attending my daughter 
here upon rather a disagreeable affair. Speak to his Ijrd- 
ship, Betsy. [Puts her over to c. 

Lord 0. Your eyes. Miss Sterling, for I always read the 
eyes of a young lady, betray some little emotion. What are 
your commands, madam ? 

Miss S. I have but too much cause for my emotion, my lord. 

Lord 0. I cannot commend my kinsman's behaviour, ma- 
dam. He has behaved like a false knight, I must confess. I 
have heard of his apostacy. Miss Fanny has informed me of it. 

Miss S. [c] Miss Fanny's baseness has been the cause of 
Sir John's inconstancy. 

Lord 0. [r.] Nay now, my dear Miss Sterling, your 
passion transports you too far. Sir John may have enter- 
tained a passion for Miss Fanny ; but believe me, my dear 
Miss Sterling, believe me. Miss Fanny has no passion for Sir 
John. She has a passion, indeed, a most tender passion. 
She has opened her whole soul to me, and I know where her 
affections are placed. [Conceitedly, 

Miss S. Noi upon ^Ir. Lovewell, my lord. 



THK CLAXD?;STINE M\nn,!^GF:. 40 

TA)rd 0. Lovewell 1 lio, poor lad ! she does not think ct* 
hiiu. \_Smiles. 

Misa S. Have a care, my lord, that both tlie families arc 
not made the dupes of Sir John's artifice, ;iiid my sister's 
dissiniukition ! You don't know her ; indeed, my lord, you 
don't know her; a base, insinuating, perfidious! — It is too 
nuu-h — she has been beforehand with me. I perceive, endea- 
vouring to prejudice your lordship in her favour; and I am 
to be laughed at by every body. Such unnatural behaviour 
to me ! But since I see I can have no redress, I am res^olved 
that some way or other I will have revenge. [Ejut, h. h. 

Sfer. [l.] This is foolish work, my lord ! 

Lord 6. [r.] I have too much sensibility to bear the tears 
of beauty. 

Ster. It is touching, indeed, my lord ; and very moving for 
a father. 

Lord 0. To be sure, sir ! You must be distressed beyond 
measure! Wherefore, to divert your too exquisite fteling. 
suppose we change the subject, and proceed to business 

Ster. With all my heart, my lord. 

Lord 0. Y'ou see, Mr. Sterling, we can make no in'on in 
our families by the proposed marriage. 

Ster. I am very sorry to see it, my lord. 

Lord 0. Have you set your heart upon being allied to our 
house, Mr. Sterling .•* 

S(er. 'Tis ray only wish at present, my omniu n, as I n ay 
call it. 

Lord 0, Your wishes shall be fulfilled. 

S'/er. Shall they, my lord ? — but how — how ? 

Lord 0. I'll marry in your family. 

Sfer. [l.] What ! my sister Heidelberg ? 

Lord 0. [A half scream.'] Ah ! You throw me into a cold 
sweat, Mr. Sterling. No, not your sister, but your daughter. 

Ster. My daughter "i 

Lord 0. Fanny ! — now the murder's out ! 

Ster. What you, my lord .' 

Lord 0. Y'es, I, I, Mr. Sterling 

Ster. No, no, my lord ; that's too much. [Smiles. 

Lord 0. Too much ! I don't comprehend you. 

Ster. What you, my lord, marry my Fanny .^ Bleis me! 
what will the folks say ? 

Lord 0. Why, what will they say ? 

Ster. That you are a bold man, my lord ; that's all. 

Lord 0. Mr. Sterling, this may be city wit, for augli I 
know. Do you court my alliance } 

F 



50 THE Cr-ANnESTINK MARRIAGE. 

Ster. To be sure, my lord. 

l^ord 0. Then I'll explain : — my nc[)lic\v won't marry your 
eldest daughter, nor I neither. Your youngest daughter 
won't marry him ; I will marry your youngest daughter. 
Ster. What! with a youngest daughter's fortune, my lord? 
Lord 0. With any fortune, or no fortune at all, sir. Love 
is the idol of my heart, and the demon interest sinks before 
him. So, sir, as I said before, I will marry your youngest 
daughter ; your youngest daughter will marry me. 
Ster. Who told you so, my lord ? 
Lord 0. Her own sweet self, sir. 
Ster. Indeed ! 

Lord 0. Yes, sir ; our affection is mutual ; your advantage 
double and trel)le ; your daughter will be a countess directly 
— I shall be the happiest of beings, and you'll be father to aa 
earl instead of a baronet. 

Ster. But what will my sister say ? and my daughter ? 
Lord 0. I'll manage that matter; nay, if they won't con- 
sent, I'll run away with your daughter, in spite of you. 

Ster. Well said, my lord ! your sjjirit's good ; I wish you 
had my constitution ; but if you'll venture, I have no ol)jec- 
tion, if my sister has none. 

Lord O. I'll answer for your sister, sir. Apropos, the 
lawyers are in the house. I'll have articles drawn, and the 
whole affair concluded to-morrow morning. 

Ster. Very well ! and I'll dispatch Lovewell to London 
immediately for some fresh papers I shall want ; you must 
excuse me, my lord, but I can't help laughing at the match. 
— He, he, he ! what will the folks say ? \_Exit, l. h. 

Lord 0. What a fellow am I going to make a father of ! 
He has no more feeling than the post in his warehouse. But 
Fanny's virtues tune me to rapture again, and 1 won't think 
of the rest of the family. 

Re-enter Lovewell, haatiJij, r. h. 
Love. I beg your lordship's pardon ; are you alone, my 
lord ? 

Lord 0. No, my lord, I am not alone ; I am in company : 
the best company. 
Love. My lord ! 

Lord 0. I never was in such exquisite, enchanting cona-. 
pany, since my heart tirst conceived, or my senses tasted, 
pleasure. 

JjOor. Where are they, my lord ? [Looks about. 

Lord 0. In my mind's eyes, Horatio. 

Love. Whul company have you there, ray lord ? ISmilet^ 



rUK CLANDESTINE MAnRJAGR. Ol 

Ldrd 0. My owji iilens, sir, which so crowd upon my ima- 
ginutiou, iind kimUe in it such a delirium of ecstasy, that wit, 
wine, music, poetry, all combined, and each in perfe(;tion, are 
but mere mortal shadows of my felicity. 

Luoe. [k.] I see that your lordship is happy, and I rejoice 
at it. 

Lord 0. You shall rejoice at it, sir; my felicity shall not 
scltishly be confined, but shall spread its influence to the 
whole circle of my friends. I need not say, Lovewell, that 
you shall have your share of it. 

Love. Shall I, my lord ? — then I understand you; you have 
heard. Miss Fanny has informed you — 

Lord 0. She has ; I have heard, and she shall be happy ; 
'tis determined. 

Love. Then I have reached the summit of my wishes. And 
will your lordship pardon tlic fully ? 

Lord 0. yes, poor creature, how could she help it ? 
'Twas unavoidable — fate and Uv-cessity. 

Love. It was indeed, my lord. Your kindness distracts 
me. 

Lord 0. And so did tlie poor girl, faith. 

Lore. She trembled to disclose the secret, and declare her 
affections ? 

Lord 0. The world, I believe, will not think her affections 
ill placed. 

Love. IBoirs.] You are too good, my lord. And do you 
really excuse the rashness of the action ? 

Lord 0. From my very soul, Lovewell. 

Love. [Boies.] I was afraid of her meeting with a cold re- 
ception. 

Lord 0. More fool you, then — 

Who pleads her cause with never failing beauty. 
Here finds a full redress. [Stri/ces his breast. 

She's a fine girl, Lovewell. [Cros-si's to u. h 

Love. Her beauty, my lord, is her least merit. She has 
an understanding — 

Lord 0. Her choice convinces me of that. 

Love. [JSoif*.] That's your lordship's goodness. Her choice 
was a disinterested one. 

Lord 0. No, no, not altogether ; it began with interest, 
and ended in passion. 

Loiv. Indeed, my lord, if you were acquainted with her 
goodness of heart, and generosity of mind, as well as you are 
with tlie inferior beauties of her face and person — 

Lord 0. I am so perfectly convinced of their existence, and 



52 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

SO totally of your mind, touching every amiable particular of 
that sweet girl, that were it not for the cold, unfeeling impe- 
diments of the law, I would marry her to-morrow morning. 

Love. My lortl ! 

Lord 0. 1 would, by all that's honourable in man, and 
amiable in woman. 

Love. Marry her ! — What do you mean, my lord ? 

Lord 0. Miss Fanny ^sterling that is; the countess of 
Ogleby that shall be. 

Love. I am astonished ! 

Lord 0. Why, could you expect less from me .' 

Love. I did not expect this, my lord. 

Lord 0. Trade and accounts have destroyed your feeling. 

Love. No indeed, my lord. [Siphs, 

Lord 0. The moment that love and pity entered my breast 
I was resolved to plunge into matrimony, and shorten the 
girl's tortures — I never do any thing by halves, do I, Love- 
well ? 

Love. ISig/is.] No indeed, my lord. [Aside.] What an ac- 
cident ! 

Lord 0. She said that you would explain what she had 
not pcfwer to utter ; but I wanted no interpreter for the lan- 
guage of love. 

Love. But has your lordship considered the consequences 
of your resolution .' 

Lord 0. No, sir, I am above consideration, when my de- 
sires are kindled. 

Love. But consider the consequences, my lord, to your 
nephew, Sir John. 

Lord 0. Sir John has considered no consequences himself, 
Mr Lovewell. 

Love. Mr. Sterling, my lord, will certainly refuse his 
daughter to Sir John. 

Lord 0. Sir John has already refused Mr. Sterling's 
daughter. 

Love. But what will become of Miss Sterling, my lord ? 

Lord 0. What's that to you ? — You may have her, if you 
will. I depend upon Mr. Sterling's city philosophy to be re- 
conciled to Lord Ogleby's being his son-in-law, instead of Sir 
John Melvil, baronet. Don't you think that your master 
may be brought to that, without having recourse to his cal- 
culations, eh, LoveweJl ? 

Love. But. my lord, that is not the question. 

Lord 0. Whatever is the question, I'll tell you my answer. 
—I am in love with a fine girl, whom I resolve to marry. 



THB CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 53 

Enter Sir John Melvil, l. h, 
"UTiat news with you, Sir John ? [C?-o.W(?5, c] You look all 
hurry and impatience — like a messenirer after a battlo;. 

Sir J. After a battle indeed, my lord. I have this da) li J 
a severe engagement; and wanting your lordship as an 
auxilian,% I have at last mustered up resolution to declare 
what my duty to you and to myself have demanded from me 
some time. 

Lord 0. To the business, then, and be as concise as pos- 
sible, for I am upon the wing — eh, Lovewell ? 

[Smiles, and Lovewell /jcnvs, r. 

Sir J. I find 'tis in vain, my lord, to struggle against the 
fcice of inclination. 

Lord 0. Very true, nephew ; I am your witness, and will 
second the motion — shan t I, Lovewell ? 

[Smiles, and Lovewell bows. 

Sir J. Your lordship's generosity entourages me to tell 
you, that I cannot marry Miss Sterling. 

Lord 0. [c] I am not at all surprised at it — she's a bitter 
potion, that's the truth of it ; but as you were to swallow it, 
and not I, it was your business, and not mine. — Any thing 
more ? 

Sir J. [l.] But this, my lord ; that I may be permitted to 
make my addresses to the other sister. 

Lord 0. yes, by all means — have you any hopes there 
nephev/ ? Do you think he'll succeed, Lovewell ? 

[Smiles and winks at Lovewell. 

Loiie. [Gravely.'] I think not, my lord. 

Lord 0. I think so too ; but let the fool try. 

Sir J. Will your lordship favour me with your good offices 
to remove the chief obstacle to the match, the repugnance of 
Mrs. Heidelberg? 

Lo)-d 0. Mrs. Heidelberg.' — Hadnot you better begin with 
the young lady first .•' [Smiles.] It will save you a great deal 
of trouble, won't it, Lovewell.' [Conceitedly.] But do what 
you please, it will be the same thing to me : won't it. Love. 
well .' Why don't you laugh at him ? 

Love. I do, my lord. [Forces a smile. 

Sir J. And your lordship will endeavour to prevail on Mrs. 
Heidelberg to consent to my marriage with Miss Fanny } 

Lord 0. I'll speak to Mrs. Heidelberg about the adorable 
Fanny as soon as possible. 

Sir J. Your generosity transports me. 

J^ord 0. [Aside.] Poor fellow, ^Yhat a dupe! he little think* 
who's in possession of the town. 

¥ 3 



64 THE CLAXDKSTIXE MARUIAGB. 

S/r J. And your lordship is not in the least oflfended at 
this seeiniug inconstancy ? 

J.ord 0. Not in the least. Miss Fanny's charms will even 
excuse infidelity. I look upon women as the ferpe naturae — 
lawiiil game — and every man who is qualified, has a natural 
right to pursue them ; — Lovewell as Avell as you, and you as 
well as he, and I as well as either of you. — Every man shall do 
his best, without offence to any — what say you, kinsmen? 

Sir J. You have made me happy, my lord. 

Lovp. And me, I assure you, my lord. 

J^ord 0. And 1 am superlatively so — allons done ! To 
horse and away, boys ! — you to your affairs, and I to mine— 
iSi/iffs.} — suivons I'amour. 

[E.veunt Love, ayirl Lord 0. l. h., Sir J. r. h. 

END OF ACT IV. 



ACT V. 

SCENE I. — Fanny's Apartment — Stage a lit tie darkened. 

Eater Lovewell and Fanny, l. w., followed by 
Bettv, %vho goes to r. 

Fan. Why did you come so soon, Mr. Lovewell ? the fa- 
mily is not yet in bed, and Betty certainly heard somebody 
listening near the chamber-door. 

Bet. [r.] My mistress is right, sir! evil spirits are abroad; 
and I am sure you are both too good, not to expect mischief 
from them. 

Love. But who can be so curious, or so wicked ? 

Bet. I think we have wickedness and curiosity enough in 
this family, sir, to expect the worst. 

Fan. I do expect the worst. — Pr'ythee, Betty, return to the 
outward door, and listen if you hear any body in the gallery ; 
and let us know directly. 

Bet. I warrant you, madam — the Lord bless you both. 

[Exit, R. H. D. 

Fan. What did my father want with you this evening ? 

Love. He gave me the key of his closet, with orders to 
bring from London some papers relating to Lord Ogleby. 

Fan. And why did not you obey liim ? 

J^uce. Because I am certain that lis lordship has opened 
liis heart to him about you, and those papers are Avanted 
merely on that account. l?ut, as we shall discover all to- 
niorrow, there will be no occasion for them, and it would be 
idle in me to go. 

Fan. Hark 1— hark! bless me, how I tremble I— I feel tlie 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 55 

terrors of guilt. IncU'cd, Mr. Lovcwell, this is too much for 
luii — this situation may have very unhappy consequences. 

[ Wepps. 

Lnvp. But it shan't. I would rather tell oiu' story this 
moment to all the house, and run the risk of uuiintaiuing you 
by the hardest labour, than sufler you to remain in this dan- 
gerous perplexity. 

Fan. Hush ! hush ! for heaven's sake, my dear Lovcwell ; 
don't be so warm ! your generosity gets the better of your 
prudence ; you will be heard, and we shall be discovered. — 
I am satisfied — indeed I am. Excuse this weakness, this de- 
licacy, this what you will. My mind's at peace — indeed it is 
— think no more of it, if you love me ! 

Love. That one word has charmed me, as it always doe.5, 
to the most implicit obedience : it would be the worst of in- 
gratitude in me to distress you a moment. \_Ki9ses her. 
Re-enter Betty, r. h. d. 

Bet. [In a low voice.] I'm sorry to disturb you. 

Fan. Ha! what's the matter? ICro.sscs to C. 

Love. Have you heard any body .-* 

Bet. Yes, yes, I have ; and they have heard you too, en 
I'm mistaken — if they had seen you too, we should have been 
in a fine quandary. 

Fan. Pr'ythee don't prate now, Betty ! 

Love. AVhat did you he-ar ? 

Bet. ICrosses to c] I was preparing myself, as usual, to 
take me a little nap — 

Love. A nap ! 

Bet. Yes, sir, a nap; for I watch much better so than wide 
awake ; and when I had wrapped this handkerchief round 
my head, for fear of the ear-ache from the key-hole, I thought 
I heard a kind of a sort of a buzzing, which I first took for 
a gnat, and shook my head two or three times, and weut so 
with my hand. 

Fan. Well — well — and so — 

Bet. And so, madam, when I heard Mr. Lovewell a littie 
loud, I heard the buzzing louder too — and pulliug oif my 
handkerchief softly, I could hear this 'sort of noise — 

[Makes an indistiuct sort of noise, like speakinrj. 

Fan. Well, and what did they say .' 

Bet. O ! I could not understand a word of what was said. 

Love. The out^vard door is locked ? 

Bet. Yes ; and I bolted it too, for fear of the worst. 

Fan. Why did you ? they must have heard you, if they 
were near. 



56 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Bit. And I did it on purpose, madam, and coughed a little 
too. that they might not hear Mr. Loveweli's voice — when I 
was silent, they were silent; and so I came to tell you. 

Fan, What shall we do ? [ Crosses l. 

Love. Fear nothing ; we know the worst ; it will only bring 
on our catastrophe a little too soon — but Betty might fancy 
this noise — she's in the conspiracy, and can make a man a 
mouse at any time, 

Bei. I can distinguish a man from a mouse as well as my 
betters — I'm sorry you think so ill of me, sir. 

Fan. He compliments you ; — don't be a fool ! [To Love- 
well.] Now you have set her tongue a running, she'll mutter 
for an hour. I'll go and hearken myself. lExit, r. ii. d. 

Bet. [Half aside, muttering.'] I'll turn my back upon no 
girl for sincerity and service. 

Love. Thou art the first in the world for both ; and I will 
reward you soon, Betty, for one and the other. 

Bet. I am not mercenary neither — I can live on a little, 
with a good carreter. 

Re-enter Fanny, r. h. d. 

Fan. All seems quiet. — Suppose, my dear, you go to your 
own room. [Crosses c] I shall be much easier then, and to- 
morrow we will be prepared for ^he discovery. 

Bet. [Half aside, and muttering.'] ToU may discover, if you 
please ; but for my part, I shall still be secret. 

Love. Should I leave you nctw, if they still are upon the 
watch, we shall lose the advantage of our delay. Besides, 
we should consult upon to-morrow's business. Let Betty go 
to her own room, and lock the outward door after her ; we 
can fasten this ; and when she thinks all safe, she may return 
and let me out as usual. 

Bet. [r.] Shall I, madam? ■ 

Fan. [c] Do let me have ray way to-night, and you shall 
command me ever after. 

Love. I live only to oblige you, my sweet Fanny ! I'll be- 
gone this moment. [Going. 

Fan. Betty shall go first, and if they lay hold of her — 

Bet. They'll have the wrong sow by the ear, I can tell 
them that. [ Going hastily. 

Fan. Softly — softly — Betty! don't venture out, if you hear 
a noise. Softly, I beg of you ! See, Mr. Lovewell, the effects 
of indiscretion ! 

Love. But love, Fanny, makes amends for all. 

Exeunt, softly, r. h. 9, 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 57 

SCENE II — A GoUeri/, tvMch leads to aeveral Bed Chambers. 
The St aye dark.— Table r. 

Enter Miss Sterling, r. h. u. e. hading Mrs. IIkidelberg, 
in a Ni(jht-Cap. 

Miss S. This way, dear madam, and then I'll tell vou 
all. 

Mrs. H. [r.] Nay but, niece — consider a little — don't drag 
me out this figure; let me put on my fly-cap!— ^If any of 
my lord's fammaly, or the counsellors at law should be stir- 
ring, I should be prodigus disconcerted. 

Miss S. [l.] But, my dear madam, a moment is an age, 
in my situation. I am sure my sister has been plotting my 
disgrace and ruin in that chamber! — I she's all craft and 
wickedness. 

Mrs. H. Well, but softly, Betsy ! — you are all in emotion 
— your mind is too much flustrated — you can neither eat, nor 
drink, nor take your natural rest — compose yourself, cliild ; 
for if we are not as warisome as they are wicked, we shall 
disgrace ourselves and the whole fammaly. 

Miss S. We are disgraced already, madam. Sir John 
Melvil has forsaken me ; my lord cares for nobody but him- 
self; or if any body, it is my sister : my father, for the sake 
of a better bargain, would marry me to a 'Change broker ; so 
that if you, madam, don't continue my friend — if you forsake 
me — if I am to lose my best hopes and consolation — in your 
tenderness — and affections — I had better — at once — give up 
the matter — and let my sister enjoy — the fruits of her 
treachery — trample with scorn upon the rights of her elder 
sister — the will of the best of aunts — and the weakness of a 
too interested father. [She pretends to be bursting into tears 
daring this speech. — Both embrace and see saiv.] 

Mrs. H. Don't, Betsy — keep your spirit — I hate whimper- 
ing — I am your friend — depend upon me in every particular. 
— But be composed, and tell me what new mischief you have 
discovered. 

Miss S. I had no desire to sleep, and would not undress 
myself, knowing that my Machiavel sister would not rest till 
she had broke my heart : — I was so uneasy that I could not 
stay in my room, but when I thought that all the house was 
quiet, I sent my maid to discover what was going forward;— 
she immediately came back and told me, that they were in 
high consultation ; that she liad heard only, for it was in the 
dark, my sister's maid conducting sir John Melvil to her mis- 
tress, and then lock the door. 



58 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Mrs. H. I'm putrified ! And how did you conduct yourself 
in this dilemma ? 

Miss S. I returned witli her, and could hear a man's voice, 
though nothing that they said distinctly ; and you may de- 
pend upon it, that Sir John is no\Y in that room, that they 
have settled the matter, and will run away together before the 
morning, if we don't prevent them. 

Mrs. H. Why, the brazen slut ! she has got her sisters 
husband (that is to be) lock'd up in her chamber ! at night 
too ! — I'm scarified I tremble at the thoughts ! 

Miss S. Hush ! madam ! I hear something ! 

Mrs. H. You frighten me — let me put on my fly-cap — I 
would not be seen in tliis figur for the world. 

JSIiss S. 'Tis dark, madam ; you can't be seen. 

Mrs. H. I protest there's a candle coming, and a man too! 

Miss S. Nothing but servants ; — let us retire a moment ! 

\_Thei/ retire, R. h. u. e. 

Enter Brush, l. h. u. e., half drunk, laying hold of the 
Chambermaid, ivho has a candle in her hand. 

Chamb. Be quiet, Mr. Brush ; I shall drop down with 
terror ! > 

Brush, [l.] But my sweet, and most amiable chambermaid, 
if you have no love, you may hearken to a little reason; that 
cannot possibly do your virtue any harm. 

Cham, [r.] But you may do me harm, Mr. Brush, and a 
great deal of harm too ; pray let me go ; I am ruined if they 
hear you ; I tremble like an asp. 

Brush. But they shan't hear us ; and if you have a mind 
to be ruined, it shallbethe making of your fortune, you little 
slut, you ! therefore, I say it again, if you have no love, hear 
a little reason ! 

Cham. I wonder at your impurence, Mr. Brush, tc use me 
in this manner ; this is not the way to keep me company, I 
assure you. You are a tov/n-rake, I see ; and now you are 
a little in liquor, you fear nothing. 

Brush. Nothing, by heavens ! but your frowns, most ami- 
able chambermaid : I'm a little electrified, that's the truth 
on't ; I am not used to drink port, and your master's is so 
heady, that a pint of it oversets a claret drinker. Come now, 
my dear little spider-brusher ! 

'Cham. Don't be rude ! bless me ! — I shall be ruined — 
what will become of me ? 

Brash. I'll take care of you, by all that's honourable. 

Cham. You are a base man to use me so — I'll cry out, if 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 59 

you don't let me go. This is Miss Sterling's chamber, that 
Miss Fanny's, and that Madam Heidelberg's. 

Brush. We know all that. And tluit Lord Ogleby's, and 
that my Lady What-d'ye-call-em's: I don't mind such folks 
when I'm sober, much less when I am whimsical — rather 
above that too. 

Cham. More shame for you, Mr. Brush ! — you terrify me 
^you have no modesty. 

Brush. 0, but I have, my sweet spider-brusher — for in- 
stance, I reverence Miss Funny — she's a most delicious mor- 
sel, and fit for a prince. With all my horrors of matrimony, 
I could marry her myself. — But for her sister — 

Miss S. [Behind, c] There, there, madam, all in a story. 

Cham. Bless me, Mr. Brush ! — I heard something ! 

Brush. Rats, I suppose, that are gnawing the old timbers 
of this execrable old dungeon. — If it was mine, I would pull 
it down, and fill your fine canal up with the rubbish ; and 
tl'.en I should get rid of two d — n'd things at once. 

Cham. Law ! law ! how you blaspheme ! — we shall have 
tiie house upon our heads for it. 

Brush. No, no, it will last our time — but as I was saying, 
the eldest sister — Miss Jezebel — 

Cham. Is a fine young lady, for all your evil tongue. 

Brush. No — we have smoked her already ; and unless she 
marries our old Swiss, she can have none of us. No, no, 
she won't do — we are a little too nice. 

Cham. You're a monstrous rake, Mr. Brush, and don't 
care what you say. 

Brush. Why, for that matter, my dear, I am a little inclined 
to mischief; and if you don't have pity upon me, I will break 
open that door, and ravish Mrs. Heidelberg. 

Mrs. H. [Coming forward.'] There's no bearing this — you 
profligate monster ! 

Cham. Ha ! I am undone ! 

Binish. Zounds ! here she is, by all that's monstrous. 

[Runs off, L. H. 

Miss S. [r.'J a fine discourse you have had with that fellow. 

Mrs. H. [l.] And a fine time of mght it is tc be here with 
that drunken monster ! 

Miss S. What have you to say for yourself ? 

Cham, [c] I can say nothing — I'm so frightened, and so 
ashamed. — But indeed I am vartuous — I am vartuous, indeed. 

Mrs. H Who cares for your vartue '. — Well, well — don't 
tremble so ; but tell us what you know of this horrable plot 
here. 



60 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Miss S. We'll forg've you, if you'll discover all. 

Cliam. Why, madam, don't let me betray my fellow ser- 
vants — I sha'n't sleep in my bed if I do. 

Mrs. H. Then you shall sleep somewhere else to-morrow 
ni-ht. 

Cham, [c] O dear ! what shall I do ? 

Mrs. H. Tell us this moment, or I'll turn you out of doors 
directly. 

Cham. Why, our butler has been treating us below in his 
pantry — Mr. Brush forced us to make a kind of a holiday 
night of it. 

Miss S. Holiday ! for what ? 

Cham. Nay, I only made one. 

Miss S. Well, well ; but upon what account, , 

Cham. Because as how, madam, there was a change in the 
family, they said — that his honour, Sir John, was to marry 
Miss Fanny instead of your ladyship. 

Miss S. And so you make a holiday for that. — Very fine ! 

Cham. I did not make it, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. But do you know nothing of Sir John's being to 
run away with Miss Fanny to-night } 

Cham. No indeed, ma'am. 

Miss S. Nor of his being now locked up in my sister's 
chamber ? 

Cham. No, as I hope for marcy, ma'am. 

Mrs. H. Well, I'll put an end to aU this directly — do you 
run to my brother Sterling — 

Cham. Now, ma'am ? — 'Tis so very late, ma'am — 

Mrs. H I don't care how late it is. Tell him there are 
thieves in the house — that the house is on fire — tell him to 
come here immediately — Go, I say. 

Cham. I will, I will. But if I meet Mr. Brush ma'am } 

Mrs. H. If you meet the devil you shall go. [^Pushes her 

off, L.] Do you watch here, my dear; and I'll put myself in 

order to face them. We'll plot 'em, and counterplot 'em too. 

[^Exit into her chamber, r. h. v. e. 

Miss S. I have as much pleasure in this revenge, as in 

being made a countess. — Ha ! they are unlocking the door. 

— Now for it ! [Retires. 

Fanny's door is unlocked, and Betty comes out, r. h. d. Miss 

Sterling approaches her. 

Bet. {Calling within.'] Sir! sir! — now's your time — all's 
clear [Seeing Miss Sterling.] Stay, stay — not yet— we arc 
watched. 

Miss S. And so you are, madam Betty. [Miss Sterling lays 



THE C!.AXni:STINE MARRIAGE. 61 

hold of her while Betty Ijcks the door, and puta the key into her 
pocket.'] 

Bet. [Turning round.'] "What's the matter, madam ? 

Miss S. Nay, that you shall tell my father and aunt, madam. 

Bet. I'm no tell-tale, madam, and no thief. [Aside.'] They'll 
get nothing- from me. 

iV//,v.v S. You have a great deal of courage, Betty, and con- 
siderini:- tlie secrets you have to keep, you have occasion for it. 

Bet. My mistress shall never repent her good opinion of 
me, ma'am. 

Enter Sterling, l. h. d., with a candle. 

Ster. \Vhut's all this ? What's the matter ? Why am I 
disturbed in this manner? 

Miss S. This creature, and my distresses, sir, will explain 
the matter. 

Re-enter Mrs. Heidelberg, r. h. v. e., with another 

head-dress. 

Mrs. H. Now I'm prepared for th^ rancounter. — Well, bro- 
ther, have you heard of this scene uf wickedness ? 

Ster. Not I. But what is it? sjisak. I was trot into my 
little closet, all the lawyers were in bed, and I had almost 
lost my senses in the confusion of Lord Olirleby's mortgages, 
^vhen I was alarmed with a foolish girl, who could hardly 
speak; and whether it's fire, or thieves, ornmrder, or a rape, 
I'm quite in the dark. 

Mrs. H. No, no, there's no rape, brother ! — all parties are 
willing, I believe. 

Miss S. Who's in that chamber ? 

[Detaining Betty, who seemed to be stealing away. 

Bet. [r.] My mistress. 

Miss S. And who's with your mistress ? 

Bet. Why, who should tliere be ? 

Miss S. Open the door, then, and let us see. 

Bet. The door is open, maJam. [Miss Sterling goes to the 
door.] I'll sooner die than peach. 

[Crussps and e lit hastily, l. h. d. 

Mbs S. The door is locked, and she has got the key in her 
pocket. 

Mrs. 11. There's impudence, brother ! piping hot from 
your daui:;httr Tanny's school ! 

Ster. Bui zounds ! what is all this about ? You tell me of 
n pum total, and you don't produce the particulars. 

Mrs. H. Sr John Melvil is locked up in your daughter's 
bed-chdiaber.— There is the particular. 

G 



62 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE, 



Sfer. The devil he is !— That's bad. 

Miss S. And h%. has been there some time, too. 

Ster. Ditto! 

Mrs. H. Ditto ! Worse and worse, I say. I'll raise the 
house, and expose him to my lord, and the whole fammaly. 

Sf.er. [l.] By no means ! we shall expose ourselves, sister! 
— The best way is to insure privately — let me alone ! I'll 
make him marry her to-morrow morning. 

Miss S. Make him marry her! this is beyond all patience! 
— You have thrown away all your affection, and I shall do as 
much by my obedience ; unnatural fathers, make unnatural 
children. My revenge is in my own power, and I'll indulge 
it. — Had they made their escape, I should have been exposed 
to the derision of the world : but the deriders shall be de- 
rided ; and so — Help, help, there ! — Thieves ! thieves ! 

Mrs. H. Tit-for-tat, Betsy ! you are right, my girl. 

Ster. Zounds ! you'll spoil all — you'll raise the whole 
family. — The devil's in the girl. 

Mrs. H. No, no ; the devil's in you, brother ; I am ashamed 
of your principles, — What ! would you connive at your daugh- 
ter's being locked up with her sister's husband 1 Help ! 
thieves, thieves, I say! \_Cries out. 

Ster. Sister, I beg of you ! — daughter, I command you I — 
If you have no regard for me, consider yourselves ! — we shall 
lose this opportunity of ennobling our blood, and getting 
above twenty per cent, for o'or money. 

Miss S. What, by my disgrace and my sister's triumph ? I 
have a spirit above such mean considerations : and to show 
you that it is not a low-bred, vulgar, 'Change-alley spirit — 
Help! help! Thieves ! thieves ! thieves, I say. [Bells ring without. 

Ster. Ay, ay, you may save your lungs — the house is in 
an \iproar. 

Enter Canton, l. h. u. e. in a night-gown and slippers. 

Can. Eh, diable ! vat is de raison of dis great noise, dis 
fintamarre ? 

Ster. Ask those ladies, sir ; 'tis of their making. 

Lord 0. \_CaUs within.'] Brush! — Brush! — Canton! — where 
are you.' What's the matter? \^Rtngs a bell.'] Where are you? 

Ster. 'Tis my lord calls, Mr. Canton. 

Can. [Lord O. still rings.] I com, my lor ! \_Exit, l. u. e. 

Flow. \_Calls within.] Alight! a light, here ! — where are 
the servants ? Bring a light for me and my brothers. 

Ster. Lights, here ! lights for the gentlemen ! [Exit, l. u. e. 

Mrs. H. My brother feels, I see !— your sister's turn wiU 
come next. 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 63 

Miss S. Ay, ay, let it go round, madam ; it is the only 
comfort I have left. 

Re-enter Sterling, l. u. e., with lights, before Serjeant 
Flower, with one boot and a slipper, a«d Traverse. 

Ster. This way, sir ! this way, gentlemen ! 

Flow. [l. c] Well but, Mr. Sterling, no danger, I hope ?— 
Have they made a burglarious entry ? Are you prepared to 
repulse them? I am very much alarmed about thieves at 
circuit time. They would be particularly severe with us 
gentlemen of the bar. 

Tra. No danger, Mr. Sterling — no trespass, I hope .' 

Ster. None, gentlemen, but of those ladies' making. 

Mrs. H. You'll be ashamed to know, gentlemen, that all 
your labours and studies about this young lady, are thrown 
away — Sir John Melvil is at this moment locked up with this 
lady's younger sister. 

Flow. The thing is a little extraordinary, to be sure ; but 
why were we to be frightened out of our beds for this .' 
Could not we have tried this cause to-morrow morning ? 

Miss S. But, sir, by to-morrow morning, perhaps, even 
your assistance would not have been of any service — the 
birds now in that cage, would have flown away. 

Enter Lord Ogleby, l. u. e., in his robe'de-chambre, night' 
cap, Sfc, leaning on Canton. 

Lord 0. I had rather lose a limb than my night's rest. 
"What's the matter with you all ? 

Ster. Ay, ay, 'tis all over ! — Here's my lord, too. 

Lord 0. What's all this shrieking and screaming ! Where's 
my angelic Fanny ? She's safe, I hope ? 

Mrs. H. Your angelic Fanny, my lord, is locked up with 
your angelic nephew, in that chamber. 

Lord 0. My nephew ! Then will I be excommunicated. 

Mrs. H. Your nephew, my lord, has been plotting to run 
away with Miss Fanny, and Miss Fanny has been plotting to 
run away with your nephew : and if we had not watched 
them and called up the fammaly, they had been upon the 
scamper to Scotland by this time. 

Lord 0. Look ye, ladies ! I know that Sir John has cod- 
ceived a violent passion for Miss Fanny : and I know, too, 
that Miss Fanny has conceived a violent passion for another 
person. And I am so well convinced of the rectitude of her 
affections, that I will support them with my fortune, my 
honour, and my life. Eh, sha'n't I, Mr. Sterling ? [-S/wmjw^.j 
What say you? 

G 



64 THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Ster. [Sulkili/.] To be sure, my lord. [Aside.'\ These bawl- 
ina: women have been the ruin of every thmg. 

Lord 0. But come, I'll end this business in a trice — If you 
ladies will compose yourselves, and Mr. Sterlinir will ensure 
Miss Fanny from violence, I will enirage to draw ]ier from her 
pillow \^Crosses to R.] with a whisper throuLrh the key-hole. 

Mrs. H. The horrid creatures ! — I say, uiy lord, break the 
door open. 

Lord 0. Let me beg of your delicacy not to be too precipi- 
tate ! Now to our experiment ! \_Advancing towards the door. 

Miss S. Now, what will they do ? My heart will beat 
through my bosom. 

Re-enter Betty, with the key, l. h. 

Bet. There's no occasion for breaking open doors, my lord ; 
we have done nothing that we ought to be ashamed of, 
ICrossing, r.] and my mistress shall face her enemies. 

[Goinff to unlock the door, r. 

Mrs. H. There's impudence ! 

Lord 0. The mystery thickens. Lady of the bed-chamber, 
[To Betty.] open the door; and entreat Sir John Melvil (for 
the ladies will have it that he is there) to appear, and answer 
to high crimes and misdemeanors. — Call Sir John Melvil into 
the court ! 

Enter Sir John Melvil, l. h. 

Sir J. I am here, my lord. 

Mrs. H. Hey-day ! 

Sir J. What's all this alarm and confusion ? There is 
nothing but hurry in this house ! What is the reason of it } 

Lord 0. Because you have been in that chamber ; — have 
been ! nay, you are there at this moment, as these ladies have 
protested, so don't deny it — 

TVa. This is the clearest alibi I ever knew, Mr. Serjeant. 

Flow. Luce clarius. 

Mrs. H. Lucy Clarius — who's she.' It's Fanny Sterling. 
[^Exeunt Lawyers c. d., with a candle. 

Lord 0. Upon my word, ladies, if you have often these 
frolics, it would be really entertaining to pass a whole summer 
with you. But come, [7o Betty.] open the door, and entreat 
your amiable mistress to come forth and dispel all our doubts 
with her smiles. 

Bet. [Opening the door.] Madam, you are wanted in this 
room. IPertlg.] 

Enter Fanny, in great confusion, r. h. d. 

Miss S. You see she's ready dressed — and what confusion 
jhe's in 1 



tHE clandestine marriage. 65 

Mrs. H. Ready to pack oflF, bag and baggage ! Her guilt 
confounds her ! 

Fan. I am confounded, indeed, madam ! 

Lord 0. Don't droop, my beautious lily ! but with your 
own peculiar modesty declare your state of mind. — Pour con- 
viction into their ears, and rapture into mine. {^Smiling. 

Fan. I am at this moment the most unhappy — most dis- 
tressed — the tumult is too much for my heart — and I want the 
power to reveal a secret, which to conceal, has been the mis- 
fortune and misery of my — [^Faint avmy. 

Lord 0. She faults ! — help, help ! for the fairest and"j c5 
best of women ! | ^ 

Bet. [Running to her.] Oh, my dear mistress ! help, >• ^ 
help, there ! j g 

Sir J. Ha! let me fly to her assistance! J e^ 

LovEWELL rushes out of the chamber, r. h. d. 

Love. My Fanny in danger ! I can contain no longer ! 
Prudence were now a crime ; all other cares were lost in this ! 
Speak, speak, speak to me, my dearest Fanny ! let me, but 
hear thy voice : open your eyes, and bless me with the small- 
est sign of life ! [During this speech they are all in amazement. 

Miss S. Lovewell ! — I am easy. 

Mrs. H. I am thunderstruck ! 

Lord 0. I am petrified ! 

Sir J. And I undone. 

Fan. [Recovering.] 0, Lovewell ! — even supported by thee, 
I dare not look«my father nor his lordship in the face. 

Ster. What now ! Did not I send you to London, sir ? 

Lord 0. Eh !— What ! How's this ? By what right and 
title have you been half the night in that lady's bed-chamber ? 

Love. By that right which makes me the happiest of men ; 
and by a title which I would not forgo for any the best of 
kings could give. 

Bet. I could cry my eyes out to hear his magnanimity. 

[Exit, H. 

Lord 0. I am annihilated ! 

Ster. I have been choked with rage and wonder ; but now 
I can speak. — Lovewell, you are a villain ; — You have broken 
your word with me. [Crosses to r. h. 

Fan. Indeed, sir, he has not — you forbade him to think of 
me, when it was out of his power to obey you — we have been 
married these four months. 

Ster. And he sha'n't stay in my house four hours. What 
baseness and treachery ! As for you, you shall repent this 
step as long as you live, madam I 



CG THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 

Fan. Indeed, sir, it is impossible to conceive the tortures I 
have already endured in consequence of my disobedience. 
My heart has continually upbraided me for it ; and though I 
was too weak to struggle with affection, I feel that I must be 
miserable for ever without your forgiveness. 

Sttr. Lovewell, you shall leave my house directly ! and 
you shall follow him, madam ! 

Lord 0. And if they do, I will receive them into mine. 
Lookye, Mr Sterling, there have been some mistakes, which 
we had all better forget for our own sakes ; and the best way 
to forget them, is to forgive the cause of them ; which I do 
from my soul. — Poor girl ! I swore to support her affection 
with my life and fortune ; 'tis a debt of honour, and must be 
paid — [Crosses to R. h.] — You swore as much too, Mr. Ster- 
ling ! but your laws in the city will excuse you, I suppose ; 
for you never strike a balance without — errors excepted. 

Ster. [u.] I am a father, my lord ; but for the sake of other 
fathers, I think I ought not to forgive her, for fear of en- 
couraging other silly girls, like herself, to throw themselves 
away without the consent of their parents. 

Love. I hope there will be no danger of that, sir. Young 
ladies, with minds like my Fanny's, would startle at the very 
shadow of vice ; and when they know to what uneasiness only 
au indiscretion has exposed her, her example, instead of en- 
couraging, will rather serve to deter them. 

Mrs. H. Indiscretion, quotha ! a mighty pretty delicat 
word to express disobedience ! 

Lord 0. For my part, I indulge my own passions too much 
to tyrannize over those of other people. Poor souls ! I 
];ity them. And you must forgive them too. Come, come, 
melt a httle of your flint, Mr. Sterling ! 

Ster. Why, why, as to that, my lord — to be sure, he is a 
relation of yours, my lord — Wha; say you, sister Heidelberg r 

Mrs. H. The girl's ruined, and I forgive h-r. 

Ster. Well — so do I then. — Nay, no tiuuiks — [To Lovewell 
and Fanny, who seem preparing to speak.'\ there's an end of 
the matter. 

Lord 0. But, Lovewell, what makes you dumb all this 
-rhde.' 

Love. Your kindness, my lord — I can scarce believe my 
own senses — they are all in a tumult of fear, joy, love, expecta- 
tion, and gratitude! I ever was, and am now more bound 
in duty to your lordship. — For you, Mr. Sterling, if every 
moment of my life, spent gratefully in your service, will in 
some measure compensate the want of fortune, you prrhaps 



THE CLANDESTINE MARRIAGE. 67 

will not repent your goodness to me. And you ladies, I 
flatter myself, will not for the future suspect me of artifice 
and intrigue — I shall be happy to oblige and serve you. — As 
for you, Sir John — [Crosses to him. 

Sir J. No apologies to me, Lovewell ; I do not deserve 
any. All I have to otTer in excuse for what has happened, is 
my total ignorance of your situation. Had you dealt a litte 
more openly with me, you would have saved me, yourself, and 
that lady (who I hope will pardon my behaviour), a great deal 
of uneasiness. Give me leave, however, to assure you, that 
light and capricious as I may have appeared, now my infatu- 
ation is over, I have sensibility enough to be ashamed of the 
part I have acted, and honour enough to rejoice at your hap- 
piness. [Taking his hand. 

Love. And now, my dearest Fanny, though we are seem- 
ingly the happiest of beings, [Crosses back to c. 2 yet all our 
joys will be damped, if his lordship's generosity and Mr. Ster- 
ling s forgiveness should not, be succeeded by the indulgence, 
approbation, and consent of these our best benefactors. 

[To the audience, 

DISPOSITION OF THE CHARACTERS AT THE FALL 
OF THE CURTAIN. 

SrER. Lord 0. Fan. Lov. Mrs. H. Miss S. Sir J. 



Printed bj Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn. 



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