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COMIC

With Mustrdtiojis

THE

CO Mil C ALMANACK

1ST Series, 1835— 1843.

NOTICE,

A SECOND SERIES of ''THE COMIC AL3IANACK;^
embracing the years 1844 — 53, a ten years' gathering of the
Best Humour, the Wittiest Sayings, the Drollest Quips, and
the Best Things of Thackeray, Mayhew, Albert Smith^
A'Beckett, Robert Brough, with nearly one thousand Wood-
cuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable Cruikshank, Hine,
Landells —

may also be had of the Publishers of this volume, and uniform
with it, nearly 600 pages, price 75. 6d,

The Cold Water Cure

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING

MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY,
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,
THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.

FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF.

321il^ mang f nnbnb Illustrations
By GEORGE CRUIK SHANK

AND OTHER ARTISTS.

FIRST SERIES, 1835— 1843.

ILoittion:
CHATTO AND W INDUS, PICCADILLY.

PEELIMINA R Y

THE " Comic Almanacks" of George Criiiksliank have long
been regarded by admirers of this inimitable artist as
among his finest, most characteristic productions. Extending
ovp.r a period of nineteen years, from 1835 to 1853, inclusiTC,
they embrace the best period of his artistic career, and show the
varied excellences of his marvellous power.

The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of
the *' Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged
upon it such writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers
Mayhew, the late Eobert Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has
been asserted, Tom Hood, the elder. Thackeray's stories of
*' Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," which subsequently
appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and " Barber Cox, or the Cutting
of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for
1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 25. 6d., but
in 1848-9 the size was reduced and the price altered to Is.
The change did not produce the increased circulation expected ^
and in 1850 it was again enlarged and published at 2s. 6d. In
this year some very spiritedly designed folding plates were added^
and this feature continued until 1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner^
the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to discontinue the Avork,

For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly
sought after by collectors, and as much as 61. and 7/. ha-**-
been given for good copies.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For 1 83 5,

THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835.

PEELUDIUM.

SCENE. — An Apartment in the House of Francis Moore, in which that
renowned Physician and Astrologer is discovered, lying at the point
of death. The Nurse is holding up his head, while a skilful Medi-
ciNER is dispensing a potion. Sundry Old Women surround his
couch, in an agony of grief The Astrologer starteth up in a pa-
roxysm of rage.

Moore. "Throw physic to the dogs," I'll gulp no more.
I'm done for: my prophetic life is o'er.
Who are these hags ? and wherefore come they here ?

Old Women. Alack ! he raves, and knows us not, poor de ir !
To think he should his only friends forget !
Who've fostered him, and made him quite a pet.

Moore. Begone, ye heldgmes ! wherefore do ye howl?

Old Women. We've come to comfort your unhappy sowl.

Nurse. 'Tis the Old Women, — pr'ythee, do not scare 'em, —
Who to the last have bought your Vox Stellarum ;
They're sorely griev'd, and fear that you will die ;
And then, alack-a-day ! who'll read the sky ?

Moore. Oh, ah! — yes — well, —just so — just so,
I see — I feel — I smell — I know — I know.

Nurse. Poor soul ! he's going fast. Oh ! shocking shock !
So kind a master. . . .Bless me ! there's a knock !

Enter Rigdum Funnidos, in deep mourning.

Big. Fun. " Ye black and midnight hags ! what is't ye do ?''

Nurse. Speak softly, Sir ; my master's turning blue.
He's not been sensible since last November.

Big. Fun. (aside) Nor ever was, that I can e'er remember.
But we must talk before his course is run.

31oore. Who's that? — my sight grows dim — Is't Rigdum Fun ?

Big. Fun. The same, great Mooke !

Moore. But, bless me !"all in black !
What ! mourn a living man ! Alack ! alack !

Big. Fun. I wear prospective mourning, t'hus to shew
The solemn grajideur oi prophetic woe.

Moore. The thought is lively, though the subject's grave ;
And, therefore, you my free forgiveness have.

Big. Fun. How can I serve you, ere you vanish hence ?

Moore. I wish you'd cut the throat of Common Sense.
To him I owe my death. That cruel wight
Long on my hopes has cast a fatal blight.
] knew I had receiv'd the mortal blow.
When first he wounded me, six years ago ;
And every year the knave has stronger grown,
While ev'ry year has sunk me lower down.

Big. Fun. I will avenge you ; — nay, I'll go much further :
The "Crowner's quept" shall find him guilty " Murther."

i835.]

PRELUDIUM.

The common hangman shall cut short his breath ;
And, by a shameful end, avenge your death.

Iloore. 'Tis kindly said ; and I in peace shall die.
Say, is there aught that you would ask oi I?

Big. Fun. Oh, Francis Moore ! who soon no more wilt be 5
I came, a precious boon to beg of thee : —

One gracious favour, ere you breathe your last, —
On ME your Prophet's mantle deign to cast I
Let me be raised to your deserted throne,
And call your countless subjects all my own.
Then let the mirth, they levell'd once at thee.
Fall, if it will, with tenfold force on me.
If all will laugh at me, who laugh'd at you.
The frowns of fortune I no more shall rue ;
Nay, with such temper would I bear their jeers,
I could endure them for a hundred years.

3Ioore. Life's ebbing fast ; my sands are nearly run ;
But you shall have what you request, my son !
Now, sit you down, and write what I shall say, —
The last bright glimmerings of the taper's ray.
I'll shew you how to pen those strains so well,
Of which the meaning no one e'er could tell.
Send forth the women ; — draw a little nigher ;
My brain is heating with prophetic fire.

Big. Fun. Matrons, abscond ! ( They depart glumpislily ; carrying
off the Mediciner.) Now, Dad, I'm all attention,
To learn the wisdom that's past comprehension.

Moore. " The fiery Mars with furious fury rages."

Big. Fun. I've penn'd that down, most erudite of sagos !

Moore. " The Dog-star kindles with inflaming ire."

Big. Fun. Just wait a moment, while I stir the fire.

Moore. " Terrific portents flame along the sky ;
" I know the cause, — but dare not mention why."

Big. Fun. (aside) Which shews your prophecying's all my eye.

Moore. " The planets are the book in which I read, — "

Big, Fwi. I'm very glad to hear that you succeed.
You've better luck than when you went to school ;
For there, I guess, they perch'd you on a stool.

Moore. " 1 read this solemn truth, as in a glass, —
*Whate'er will happen's sure to come to pass ;'
'* And if it don't, why * set me down an ass.' "

Big. Fun. That's done already ; for to me 'twas plain, *
An ass you were, and ever would remain.

Moore. A vaunt ! I'll speak no more to ears profane.

[^The scene openeth, and discovereth the Shade of the great Astro-
loger, Lilly, enveloped in a fog, loho claspeth Francjs Moore
in his arms, and mizzleth off' toith him in a mist. — N.B. The
renoioned Physician droppeth his threadbare mantle, ivhichfal-
leth on RiQDUM Funnidos, who maketh his exit therewith joy*
fully.

JANUARY.

[1835- j

When you first go to bathe, gentle Sir, in a river,

If you dip in one foot, it will give you a shiver ;

But if you've the pluck to plunge in your whole body,

You'll not shiver at all, you poor timid noddy !

Just so with my rhymes, — I've got thro' my first trouble :

Had I stood shilly-shally, my toil had been double.

Season's

Si,c^iis.

©tftf i^atUrs.

WEATHER.

toes

COMFORTS OF THE SEASON.

Weather

2
3
4

nose
froze
blue

Chilblains sore on all your toes.

likely

Icicles hang from your nose
Rheumatis' in eJl your limbs ;

^ 6 A ]?

Noddle full of aches and whims ;

who

Chaps upon your hands and lips.

to be

you

And lumbago in your hips.

To your bed you shiv'ring creep.

cold

ice

There to freeze, but not to sleep;

For the sheets, that look so nice.

n%£!.$

trice

Are to you two sheets of ice ;

down

Wearied out, at length you doze,

And snatch, at last, a brief repose.

crown

Dream all night that you're a dab.
Lying on fishmonger's slab.

the frost

folk

While indulging in a snore,

There comes a rap at chamber door ;

A *0

joke

Screaming voice of Betty cries :

" If you please, it's time to rise."
Up you start, and, on the sheet,

is very old :

grin

Find your breath is chang'd to sleet ;

If no snow

Tow'rds the glass you turn your view,

out
shout

Find your nose of purple hue,
Looking very Uke, I trow.

^ b A ^ D

Beet-root in a field of snow.

cram
ham

You would longer lie, but nay.

should

Time is come,— you must away.
Out you turn, with courage brave.

chance to

Slip on drawers,— and then to shave !

fall,

[19

jam
dram

Seize the jug, and in a trice,

'20

Find the water chang'd to ice :
Break the ice, and have to rue

D (5 *0

121

twelfth

That you've broke the pitcher too.
Water would not run before ;

then

night

Now, it streams upon the floor,

Threat'ning with a fearful doom.

perhaps

bright

Ceiling of the drawing-room.

sight

In the frenzy of despair.

You seize you don't know what, nor care.

^ A ^0*

hake

Mop up all the wet and dirt.

uuivc;

And find you've done it with your shirt ;

D h

cake

Your only shirt,— all filth and slosh,—

For all the rest are in the wash.

no frost

nice

Into bed you turn again,

AJ,\_/ ±J \JVJ\J

slice

Ring the bell with might and main,
Stammer out to Betty, why

0nA

twice

'Twixt the sheets you're forc'd to lie,

1 ^^

'Till, pitying your feelings hurt,

at all.

!30

quaff

She dabs you out another shirt.

131

laugh

^ ^8n $

I835.J

ASS-TEOLOaiCAL PEEDICTIONS.

I NO"W proceed to i3iit on my conjuring cap, and sliew forth tiie
wonders of the stars.

On looking at the moon, through my 600-horse power telescope,
which magnifieth the planets 97,000,000 of times larger than
life, I discern, that the march of intellect hath already travelled to
that luminary ; for I do distinctly perceive divers juveniles, of eighty
years old and upwards, seated on stools, with horn-books in their
hands. The Man in the Moon is also very busy, striving to meta-
morphose his sticks into brooms, to sweep away the cobwebs of
ignorance therewith. Moreover, I do observe about half a million
miles of cast-iron rail-road, in the direction of the earth, by which
I do opine an inclination towards this planet. But there doth ap-
pear a great consternation amongst the other constellations, more
especially in the TJ'pjper House, where Libra hath got into fiery oppo-
sition with Mars; and Saturn (who hath grown Grey) hath, in
striving to part them, lost the skirts of his coat, and is glad to put
up with a Spencer, whereby is clearly shadowed forth a fierce en-
counter between two great commanders. Let those, who think little
of law and justice, read the 10,000 volumes of the Abridgment of
the Statutes, and tremble !

Touching the affairs of Europe in general, I can say nothing in
particular ; excepting that I observe, that the Pope of Eome hath
been furiously deaUng forth his anathemas,* wherein he doth be-
tray a most marvellous lack of wit ; for doth he opine, that Chris-
tian folk are such calves as to be coiv'd by a bull ? Yerily, it toucheth
me sore, to note the silly doings of the crazy old beldame, who hath
turned the world topsy-turvy for so many centuries, when she
might gather her petticoats about her, and sit down in peace and
quietness, by merely — my old friend and gossij), Foor Humplirey,
sagaciously observeth, — just turning Protestant And, in good sooth,
when we come to think of it, there need be no quarrellings and
bickerings on religious grounds, nor scruples for conscience' sake,
in any part of the world, if all the Pagans, Hindoos, Mahometans,
Jews and folks of every religion, and of no religion at all, were
only just to make up their minds to do the same thing. And, pray,
let me ask, what can be a more simple piece of advice ?

THE GEEAT COMET.

Though, touching Comets, Tycho Brahe, Kepler, Halley, Sir
Isaac ISTewton, and others of that stamp, do deny their mahgn in-

* The Abbe de la Mennais has roused the thunder of the Vatican by his
Paroles d'un Croyant. The Pope has addressed an evangelical letter to the
prelates of the Catholic world, in which the Abbe is compared with John
PIuss and WicklifF, and his Holiness says ; — " We damn for ever this book of
small size but huge depravity."— ilforwi??^/ Post, June, 1834,

6 THE COMIC AXMAInACK. [1835.

fluence ou mimdaue affairs, yet I, Eigdum Fuxxidos, holding in far
greater reverence the wisdom of our ancestors, and the sage opinion
of my renowned defunct predecessor, Francis Moore, do maintain,
that they cast a sinister aspect on this teiTestrial globe ; yea, and
do mightily, in a most adverse fashion, affect the same. Where-
fore, I say, look, when the Great Comet cometh, for a sufficient
reason, in the coming thereof, for every thing which shall happen
contrariwise ; whether it be the falling of kings, or the falling of
stocks ; the quarrels of nations, or the squabbles of matrimony ;
the crash of empires, or the smash of crockery ; the tyranny of
despots, or the scolding of wives : — yea, I do say again, place them
all to the account of the Great Comet.

Hereafter do follow sundry matters, both pleasant and profitable-

ADYEETISEMENT EXTEAOEDINAEY.

1\ /rATRIMOXY. — A highly respectable Gentleman, who has,
-LT J_ for many years, distinguished himself as an important Public
Functionary, is desirous of haltering his condition, and tying the
Icnot of wedlock with a Lady of congenial sentiments. Having,
himself, a very tender disposition, he stipulates for the same on the
part of the object of his attachment ; and as he is partial to good
spirits, he hopes she will always have a stock. She must be duly
impressed with a regard for the dignity of her husband's station,
and must never associate with her inferiors, and whatever pledges
she makes, she must be careful to redeem. The Advertiser is not
very particular as to personal attractions ; and with regard to
money, he has seen so many people in a state of dependence, that
he merely trusts she will come provided against such an unpleasant
contingency. On these conditions, which are the gaol of his wishes,
he will give the fair object of his affections her fidl sicing, and be
perfectly resigned to his fate. He anxiously looks for a line, ad-
dressed " JoKN* Ketch, Esq., opposite the Debtors' Door, Old
Bailey."

K.B. The Schoolmaster in Nex'jgate, who drew up the above ad-
vertisement, for his respected friend, IMr. Ketch, takes this opportu-
nity of contradicting a report, which has been current for some
time past, — that the Schoolmaster is ahroad, which is quite foreign
from the fact. An-angements were certainly made to that effect,
which, had they been carried into execution, he w^uld have been
quite transported ; but he regrets to state, that he is under the ne-
cessity of remaining at his old abode, the large stone house in the
Old Bailey.

1835-]

FEBRUARY.

Birds, this month, do bill and coo
Do the like, and you may rue.
Courting is a pretty pleasure ;
Wed in haste, repent at leisure.

To hen-peck'd husbands what a feast !
This month, all women talk the least.

Season'
Signs.

mizzle

drizzle

frizzle

raw

thaw

hearts

darts

smarts

loves

doves

gloves

willing

billing

wooing

cooing

eyes

sighs

mate

fate

love

cold

scratch

scold

fight

bite

spite

mope

rope

<Bt}^ i^atters.

VALENTINE'S DAY.

I can't make out what they're about,

Nor how the men incline ;
I've watch'd each knock, since nine o'clock.

To get a Valentine.

In vain I've tried on every side,

Some happy chance to see,
For, ah, alas ! there came to pass

No Valentine for me.

From morn till night I've scream'd " The
light

Guitar," above a week.
" Bid me discourse," has made me hoarse,

Till I can scaroely speak.

Through rain and snow I always go

To Tuesday evening lecture,
Yet snow and rain don't bring a swain ;

And why, I can't conjecture.

In short, to find a lover kind,

I've us'd all honest ways,
I've pinch'd my toes, and no one knows

How tight I've lac'd my stays.

Three times to-day, across the way,

The postman has been seen —
And this makes four — at Jones's door !

One ! two ! " For Betty Green."

Well ! on my word, old Major Bird
Stands making signs, I think, —

(If Betty dares to set her snares, — )
I'm sure I saw him wink.

I vow I'll call, and tell it all ;

They'll give her instant warning ;
And, but the river makes one shiver,

I'd drown to-morrow morning.

WEATHER.

Eainorhail,

D (?

snow or sleet

0 n K K

in
this month
6 T z;:^ h *

you're
sure to meet.

$ ^ ^

If you don't

n 6 0X

why then

you ivon't:

Perhaps

there won't

be one

nor t'other :

"Why then

'twill happen

n 5 *

some other.

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

[1835.

HUMBUGGIBI ASTEOLOGICUM, PEO AKNO 1835.

VOX MULTOBUM, VOX STULTOBUM: The Voice of the
Many is the Voice <^ a Zany.-^It Iraideth at all Places
and Seasons,

Courteous Eeader,

STEPPING in the steps of my late wortliy and mucli-lamented
Prototype, Francis Moore, deceased, I herewith present you
with my Hieroglyphic, " adapted to the Times." " Its interpreta-
tion is in the womb of time," and those who do pry with curious
eyes into the mysteries of the stars, wiU, in due season, divine the
hidden meaning thereof. Yet may I observe, that by the rules of
art, I have discovered, that a fiery planet, which has been for some
time located in the upper house, and has been for a long while lord
of the ascendant, has come in fiery opposition with Scorpio ; while
Taurus hath flungf a quartile ray at both of them.

i835.]

MARCH.

I fear I am a Sinner lost,

For often do I pray, —
That I could read, in Times or Post^

The death of Lady Day.

Season

Signs.

Shrove
tide
fritters
fried
Nan
makes
pan-
cakes
batter
clatter
spatter
sky
high
toss
in the
pan
high

9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18; as
19 1 you
20 lean

21 i toss

22 them
23
24

higher

fat

25 Sin the

27
28
29
30
31

fire

soot

must

splash

crash

ash

©tiii i^tattns.

MARCH WINDS.

Come, Bully March ! and show your blus-
tering face ;

I'll give you blow for blow, to your disgrace.

You take advantage of us Fleet Street sin-
ners,

While the police are gone to get their din-
ners.

From Racket Court you rush, with such a
rattle,

As makes the Lumber troopers fear a battle.

Oh ! what fun, by the Bolt-in-tun,
As your windy highness passes ;

D'ye hear a crash? There's a window-
sash
Made multiplying glasses.

And now you come again from Chanc'ry

Lane,
Where " Law" and "Assurance" guard Old

Dunstan's fane.
{Old Dunstan, did I say? — young Dunstan

now,
As many a heavy parish rate will show.)
See how you raise a riot and a rout,
Tossing old women's petticoats about ;
Hats, capes, and umbrellas round you scatter,
Till good Saint Bridget wonders what's the

matter.

Ah, che gust-c ! what a dusto !

Blowing, growing, as it flies.
Lime and mortar show no quarter,

Ramming, cramming, ears and eyes.

They say your dust is gold ; so, little fear
Of growing poor ; we'll roll in riches here ;
Then blow up, March ! our sapient parish

powers
Ne'er think of water till the April showers.

TTEATHER.

I suspend

my
predictions

on the
weather

this month,
<? 50D
because I

shall be able

to tell more I
correctly

=^ -Tm?

next year;

and
moreover,

®%

my readers

can

a ^ X b ^

exercise

their own

judgments

^ D n ^

thereupon.

to THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835.

MY GEANDMOTHER'S LAMENT;

OR,

■ THE SETTLING DAY.

It was a drear November morn ; the rain was pouring- fast ;
I underneath a gateway stood, in hopes it would not last ;
And forthwith I began to muse, and to myself did say :
I hope the rain will soon give o'er, for this is " Settling Day."

If I don't stand for shelter here, I shall be wetted thro' ;
I at the Stock Exchange shall be hlach-loarded if I do :
And while I thus was fidgetting, the sun shot forth a ray ;
And then I hoped to be in time all for the " Settling Day."

The rain clear'd off, and gladsomely I did prepare to go,
When up there came an Ancient Dame with visage full of woe :
She laid on me her skinny hand, and mournfully did say :
*' To my lament you must give ear, altho' 'tis ' Settling Day.' "

" Good lady," I began to say, " my time is very short," —
And fain I would have slipp'd away, but she my button caught.
" Oh ! listen to your Grandmother ! for she has much to say," —
(She surely held me by some spell, although 'twas " Settling Day.")

" From morn till eve I wander forth ; I roam like one distraught ;
" Which ever way I turn my eyes, with ruin it is fraught.
" The good old times are quite forgot ; aU things do fade away ;
" And when I mourn, the people laugh, and cry : * 'tis Settling
Day.'

" 'Twas in the Court of Chancery I oft did take my nap ;

" And many doubting Chancellors I've dandled in my lap ;

" But now the Broom, that sweeps the room, it brushes me away ;

" And says, for me, and all such crones, it is the ' Settling Day.'

" 'Twas in the Commons House I sat, when BiUy Pitt was young ;
" I listen'd to his twelve-hour speech, and blest his fluent tongue.
" They us'd to sit from night tiU mom ; and how they talk'd away !
" But now they sit from morn tiU night : oh ! what a * Settling
Day!'

"They've London pull'd about one's ears; 'tis London now no

more;
" They've swallow'd up poor Swallow Street ; behind is now before;
*' They've metamorphos'd Charing Cross ; the Mews has pass'd

away,
" And Lewkner's Lane I seek in vain : 't has had its * Settling

Day.'

1 835-] MY GRANDMOTHERS LAMENT. 11

" St. Dunstan's Clmrcli they've built anew; oli ! what a Gothic feat!
" The Savages, who beat the Bells, have beaten a retreat ;
" They've built another London Bridge ; the old one's clear'd away ;
" For such destructive knaves I wish a speedy * Settling Day.'

" The "Watchmen mustn't cry the hour, nor in their boxes snore ;
*' Their occupation's gone, and time with them is now no more.
" They tell me, too, the little Sweeps no more must 'Soot, ho!' say:
" I hope for such black deeds there'll come a sweeping ' Settling
Day.'

" Another thing doth sorrow bring, and maketh me to fret ;
" They talk about abolishing Imprisonment for Debt;
" And next, alas ! the time may come, there'll be no costs to pay,
" For ev'ry man will get his own upon the ' Settling Day.'

" I mind me, when a little girl, I travell'd once to York ;

*' And slow and stately did we ride ; it was a three days' work ;

" But now they do it all by steam, so very fast, they say,

" To Brummagem you'll go, and back, in half a ' Settling Day.'

" I heard them talk, awhile agone, about an air-balloon,

" To come from France, and carry us a journey to the moon.

" Wlien folks become so impious, our duty 'tis to pray,

" That such presumptuous doings soon may meet a ' Settling Day.'

" That horrid March of Intellect has prov'd a perfect bore ;

" I fear it killed poor St. John Long : his rubbing days are o'er;

" But 'twas a gracious sight to see his funeral array,

" And lords and ladies join the train, upon his ' Settling Day.'

" They've made the babes at infant schools so very wise indeed,
" That they can read before they speak, and write before they read :
" They're wiser than their grandmothers ! you hear the people say,
*' I can't survive this awful shock ; — this cruel ' Settling Day.' "

While thus the crone did make her moan, I pitied her full sore,
And much I strove to comfort her, when she had given o'er ;
I begg'd of her to hst to me, and I'd be bound to say.
Some snug abuses I would find, without a " Settling Da.y."

For dirty courts and narrow lanes, I told her not to fret ;

To 'mind us of the good old times, there was a plenty yet :

At East and West, 'mong gents and cits, there's many a crooked way,

And holes and corners dark enough, without a " Settling Day."

I bade her look at Temple Bar, — that venerable pile ;
Its mould'ring stones and rotten gates, and then she gave a snule
She thought upon the bleeding heads, and plaintively did say:
"I hope for that dear obstacle there'll be no * Settling Day.'"

12 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835.

Tlio' St. Jolin Long (I said) is gone, — that curer of all ills, —
"We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills ;
Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array,
A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry " Settling Day."

I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must nng a knell :
But if we've lost the * Sweep soot-ho !' weVe got the dustman's

bell;
Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray ;
Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a " Settling Day."

My Granny grinn'd a ghastly smile, and let my button go ;
" We'll meet again," she said, " and then I'll tell you all my woe :
" You have not heard a twentieth part ; but you'U no longer stay."
She vanish'd straight ; but all too late ; — I lost my " Settling Day."

ADYEETISEMENT EXTEAORDINARY.

A GENTLEMAN, who is about to proceed to New South
Wales, on the public account, for fourteen years, is desirous
of providing a confidential situation for an active YOUTH, pre-
viously to his departure. He is exceedingly light-fingered, and very
dexterous in the conveyance of property; and, among his other
accomplishments, the advertiser can confidently recommend him
for considerable skill in opening locks without the aid of a key.
He has been brought up to the bar; and is li7ieaMj descended
from the renowned Jerry Abershaw. Most of his relations have
been raised to exalted situations, far above the ordinary crowd ;
and, indeed, there is little doubt, that the force of his genius, if
suffered to take its course, will, in time, procure for him the same
degree of elevation. He can refer with confidence for a character
to any of the gentlemen composing that respectable body, the
Swell Mob A ssociation ; and the advertiser will be happy to reply
to any inquiries, addressed — Peter Pe,ig, Esq., at the Stone Jug
Hotel, Old Bailey.

i835.]

APRIL.

Opera open — Town fills —
Old fools dance quadrilles —

Paganini's fiddle-de-D —

The D — once fiddled a guinea from me —

Crockford's splendid Saturday Dinners —

Sunday — " Miserable sinners !"

Season's
Signs

9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
l22

1 23

1 24
<25
!26
;27
i28

29
30

growing

showers

springing

flowers

hot

cross

bunn

day

Easter

Monday

what a

fun

day ! ^ •

prentice

boys

full

joys

noise

toys

Greenwich

hill

Jack

and

Jill

tumble

down

crack

their

crown

©trtJ JHattcrs.

WEITHER.

APRIL EHYMES.

Rhymes for April — let me sing
The pleasures of returning spring.

I wish, in verse the lines ran single,
'Tis tiresome, hunting words that jingle.
And just as hard, in any season,
To furnish either rhyme or reason :
For showers, and bowers, and buds of roses,
Nights, and bhghts, and blue cold noses.
Beams and gleams, and flow'rets springing,
Feather'd warblers, winging, singing,
Hills and rills, and groves and loves,
Wooing, cooing, turtle-doves,
Shades and glades, and larks and thrushes.
Chilly grass, and dripping bushes.
Are soon a poor exhausted store ; —
I'll try a city theme for more.

Judges, fudges, wigs, and prigs,
In coaches, busses, cabs, and gigs,
Dripping, tripping, slipping, slopping.
Pink silk stockings go a-shopping ;
Haggling, dragghng, puddling, poking.
Drizzling, mizzling, muddling, soaking,
Dirty crossings, dainty faces.
Pretty legs choose widest places ;
And fools are made, by far the worst.
On other days besides the First.

If it be

neither

T? na ? *

warm

norcoldjWet

nor dry,

^06 c?

calm

nor storm ;

and

* n b0

there be
neither

frost, snow,
hail, rain,
nor sleet,

T? n 5 ^ *

why then

you maysay,j

bu0

that

i; T? n 0 ^

I am

60aT5

conjurer.

14 THE COMIC ALMANACK. l^^35'

ABSTRACT of an ACT, mUtuled an Act for the Amendment of an
Act for the Artiendment of the Poor Laws.

[To be passed •>n the Ist of April next.]

Preamble. — Abuses all foriaer Acts, and repeals them accord-
ingly.

Clause 1. — Empowers paupers to act as Churchwardens and
Overseers ; to form their own vestries, and pass laws for their own
relief.

Clause 2. — Provides for weekly tavern dinners for the same ; and
stipulates for a bountiful supply of turtle-soup, venison, burgundy,
champagne, hock, claret, and rose-water.

Clause 3. — Enacts that pensions, of not less than £1000 per
annum, shall be granted to all former Churchwardens and Over-
seers, as a compensation for their loss of office ; and that they shall
each be raised to the rank of baronet, as a compensation for their
loss of dignity.

Clause 4. — Enacts that every able-bodied pauper, who can work,
shall be allowed five guineas per week each, and two guineas for
each of their children, illegitimate or otherwise ; and should any
refractory pauper refuse this allowance, and prefer breaking stones
at a penny per bushel, he shall be forthwith committed to the
custody of the keeper of the London Tavern, if in the City of
London, or of some inn or hotel, if any other part of the kingdom,
and be compelled to feast like an alderman, till he show symptoms
of contrition.

Clause 5. — That as many paupers may prefer being boarded and
lodged, suitable mansions shall be erected for the purpose, in
cheerful and airy situations ; to which governors shall be ap-
pointed, to be elected by the paupers, for the due regulation
thereof. And if, on complaint of one or more of the said paupers,
it shall appear, that the said governor hath, on any occasion,
omitted to provide them with all due necessaries, such as silver
forks, doileys, finger-glasses, napkins, or other indispensable matters;
or hath omitted to serve their tea, coffee, or chocolate, in silver
pots, and china cups and saucers ; or substituted plain lump for
double-refined lump sugar, or milk for cream, or tallow for wax
candles, or a feather-bed for a down-bed : or neglected to keep the
harp or piano in proper tune, or to furnish clean linen once a day,
(if they desire it, but not othermse) ; or presumed to call them out
of bed before twelve at noon, unless specially dii-ected so to do ; or
behaved disrespectfully, or omitted to stand uncovered in their
presence, &c. &c. &c. for each and every such offence, the said
governor shall be committed to the tread-mill for not less than six
calendar months.

T83f(-] ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAOHDNART. 1 5

Clause 6. — Eacli pauper, wlio is a boarder as aforesaid, shall be
at liberty to invite as many friends as lie pleases, to a grand dinner
party, to be holden once a week ; a concert and ball to be bolden
twice a week ; and a grand concert and ball to take place four
times in the year ; on which occasion, the said paupers, or a com-
mittee thereof, shall be at liberty to engage any of the Itahan
singers, provided their terms do not exceed 100 guineas each per
night.

Clause 7. — Allows a premium of 50 guineas to the mother of
every illegitimate child born in the said mansion.

Clause 8. — Enacts that the halt, the maimed, and the blind,
together with all aged, infirm, diseased, idiotic, and insane persons,
and all who are unable, through mental or bodily incapacity, to
maintain themselves, shall be allowed the liberty of begging their
bread on the king's highway; by which, public sympathy will be
powerfully awakened, and pauperism efiectually discouraged.

Clause 9. — Enacts that all the moneys, necessary for carrying the
foregoing provisions into effect, shall be disbursed from the pockets
of the honest and industrious.

Clause 10. — Enacts that this Act shall neither be altered,
amended, nor repealed.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAOEDINARY.

FOUND on a suspicious person, stopped by the Police, the
following articles, viz. : —

1. The clock of old St. Dunstan's Church, with the Cross of
St. Paul's and the steeple of the church in Langham Place, which
he had converted into a seal and key, and appended thereto by a
chain cable.

2. The images of Gog and Magog from Guildhall. N B. He
begged hard to have these restored to him, alleging that he had
bought them as playthings for his children.

3. The "collective wisdom" of St. Stephen's Chapel, which he
had purloined from the Members' skulls, before the late fire, and
had artfully concealed in a nut- shell.

4. The conscience of the legal profession, which, at first, was
scarcely perceptible, but on its l3eing accidentally placed in a bag
of sovereigns, became extremely vociferous.

5. A cart-load of Billingsgate abuse, and a bag of moonshine.
Should these articles not be claimed, they will be sold to the best
bidder. N.B. They would admirably answer the purpose of some
of our " best public Instructors."

There were several other articles of less value, all of which will
l>a restored, to the right owners, on application to the Mansion
House.

i6 MAY.

Madame de Stael declared, one day,
She was always afraid of the month of May ;
So bless Lord Brougham's legislation, —
His " boon to the female population," —
Which keeps them, 'gainst their kind intent,
Discreet by act of parliament.

Season's

Signs.

First of

May

Day

4 once

a gay

day

Jack

in the

green

10 ravish-

scene

chimney

sweepers

16 longer

17 'creepers

18 .holiday

19 jolly

20 day

21 off

22 they

23 go

24 dancing

25 prancing

26 whirling

27 j twirling

28 on the

29 ligbt

80 , fantastic

?,1

toe

©trU i^attcrs.

THE CHIMNEY SWEEP'S LAMENT.

" Ah, Sal j vot lots of First of Mays
Is gone, since them 'ere jolly days,

Ven times vos times to brag on ;
I can't make out vot hails the nation,
For now there's sich a halteration,

Ve've much ado to vag on.

" Vy, ven the big reform bill pass'd,
Ve holp John Eussell to the last,

Like birdies of a feather ;
And, sure, their Vorships von't deny
Ve daily join'd in common cry,

And sung out ' Sveep' together.

"But now, unmindful vot they owes,
Tbey makes no odds 'twixt friends and foes,

And gags us with their laws ;
For since the nobs has got their ends,
They grows asham'd of chummy friends.

And makes us hold our jaws.

" There's Bob the dustman rings his bell,
And Flounder Bet cries mack-er-el,

And no one hinders she ; —
If singing ' Sveep ' vakes Bobby's pal,
Vy Bob and Bet disturbs my Sal,

Vot's all as dear to me.

" Vy, bless your eyes, the first May-day
I ever seed you prance away.

So fine that queens might follor,
All deck'd in roses, silks and lace,
I thought it was fair Dafney's face,

And I vos your Apollor.

"And tho' the temperation folks
Would throw cold water on our jokes,

And damp our fun and glee ;
On this, our yearly Annival,
I'll be a king, and you, my Sal,

Shall be a queen to me."

WEATHER.

Touching

T $ * tU ^

the weather

I do
somewhat,

5 n ])
as it were,
dubitate ;

tho' most

6 Ky?a

probably, it

D ^ ?

will be
^ ^ 6^© 8
in some sort

S D 6 h
seasonable,

or perhaps
otherwise,

just
as the case

TTji ^ T ?

may happen.

1 835-] 17

PEOCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES.

At the PhilosopJiical Institution, held at tlie Pig and Tinder Box,
in Liquorpond Street, a letter was read by Sawney Snck-Egg,
Esq., on the possibility of extending the realms of space, and
adding to the duration of eternity. In the same essay, he also
satisfactorily proved, that two and too do not make four; that
Black is very often white ; and that a Chancery suit has shewn
to many a man, that what has a beginning does not necessarily
always have an end.

A new mode of raising the wind was also communicated to this
society by Jeremy Diddler, Esq. ; a very useful invention for
broken-down gamblers, ruined spendthrifts, insolvent tradesmen,
and 'Change Alley waddlers.

Geological Society of Hog's Norton. — The fossil remains of an
antediluvian pawnbroker have been dug up, within a mile of this
place. This is not regarded as a very remarkable circumstance, as
many recent instances have been known of the hearts of several
persons of this class being in a petrified state while alive.

A successful method of converting stones into bread has been
transmitted to the New Poor Law Commissioners, and a three-and-
sixpenny medal presented to the ingenious discoverer thereof.

Zoological Society at Hoohem Snivey. — A new animal has been
transmitted from No-Man's Land, which has been named the Flat-
Catcher. It bears some resemblance to 'the human species, as it
walks on two legs, and has the gift of speech. It seems quite in
its element when among pigeons, and preys ravenously on the gitUs
that hover about watering-places, getting hold of them by a kind of
fascination, which throws its unconscious victims entirely off tlieir
guard, when it never fails to make them bleed profusely; after
which, it suffers them to depart.

A laborious investigator has discovered that there are exactly
nine millions, one hundred and sixty-four thousand, five hundred
and thirty-three hairs on a tom-cat's tail, which he detic?i nil the
zoologists in Europe to disprove, Hq also maintains that n bull

l8 THE COMIC ALMANACK, [1835.

sees with its horns, and a rat vnth its tail, although he admits the
possibility of their doing so without them.

It was stated at the last meeting of this institution, that one of
its members had observed a tremendous water-spout from one of
the plugs in Thames Street ; and sensible shocks of an earthquake
had been felt at Puddle-dock.

Society of Antiquaries. — Among the antiquities presented at the
last meeting, was one of Cleopatra's corns, and the celebrated
Needle with which she darned her hose ; also, a gas-pipe, found at
Herculaneum, and the fragment of a steam-carriage, dug out of
the ruins of Palmyra.

Entomological Society in Grub Street. — A very animated con*
versation took place on the natural history of the flea, involving
many curious conjectures, such as, whether it had ever been known
to have attained the size of the elephant ; whether it was of tho
same species with the hog-in-armour and the rhinoceros, or was to
be classed among the Jum;pers ; how high and how often it leaped ;
whether it always looked before it leaped ; and whether it leaped
highest in Leap Year ; the farther discussion of all which queries
was deferred till the said Leap Year.

The Horticultural Society of Seven Dials has been presented, by
the Society of Antiquaries, with the identical pumpkin converted
]jy the fairy into Cinderella's chariot.

Premiums have heen aivarded hy various learned bodies to the
following : —

To Henry Broom, for the application of the crab motion, and the
" do-as-little- as-possible " principle, to the state engine. — To Lord
Durham, in conjunction with the above, for an improved mode of
progression for the said engine, namely, by each pulling the oppo-
site way. — To Signor Paganini, for an improved mode of extracting
gold from catgut scrapings, and of skinning flints. — To Miss
Harriet Martineau, for a new preventive check-string for the regu-
lation of the fare (fair). — To the proprietor of Morison's Pills for
the discovery of the perpetical motion. — To the Society for the Con-
fusion of Useful Knowledge, for their successful endeavours in be-*
Knight-iRg the pubU» iMtoUect.

835.]

JUNE.

Of all the folks, this month you'll see,
The DAYS are the longest family ;
But the gallant Ross, in polar weather.
Met one as long as six Months together.

Season'
Signs,

Quarter

day

rent

pay

afraid

to stay

bolt

away

come

too

soon

cash

affairs

are

out of

tune

shoot

the

moon

fly

night

rapid

flight

very

quickly

out of

sight

©Vti i^atUrs.

RiGDUM FuNNiDOS transcribeth the fol-
lowing seasonable story from the lucubra-
tions of his defunct friend, Poor Humphrey.

HOW TO KILL FLEAS.

A notable Projector became notable by
one project only, which was a certain spe-
cific for the killing of Fleas ; and it was in
form of a powder, and sold in papers, with
plain directions ior use, as folio weth : — The
flea was to be held, conveniently, between
the fore-finger and thumb of the left hand ;
and to the end of the trunk or proboscis,
which protrudeth in the flea, somewhat as
the elephant's doth, a very small quantity
of the powder was to be put from between
the thumb and finger of the right hand.
And the inventor undertook, that if any flea
to whom his powder was so administered
should prove to have afterwards bitten a
purchaser who used it, then that such pur-
chaser should have another paper of the said
powder, gratis. And it chanced that the
first paper thereof was bought, idly as it
were, by an old woman ; and she, without
meaning to injure the inventor or his re-
medy, but of her mere harmlessness, did,
innocently as it were, ask him whether,
when she had caught the flea, and after she
had got it as before described, if she should
crack it upon her nail, it would not be as
well. Whereupon the ingenious projector
was so dumbfounded by the question, that,
not knowing what to answer on the sudden,
he said, with truth, to this effect, that, with-
out doubt, her way would do, too.

Look for

summer
weather

about
b <5 D til

this time ;

* 9 nr / s!3=
that is
to say,

somewhat

warm,

% $^

perhaps

hot,

<$> np ? * n

perchance

it may be

coolish ;

and if

it raineth

not,

it will

be dry.

20 THE COMIC ALMANACK. t^^35'

THE "WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTOES."

RiGDUM FuNNiDOS lamenteth, that there are, in this our day,
among those who do seek to subvert the venerable usages of our
ancestors, divers vauntings and boastings as to what they do most
affectedly and erroneously term " the growing intelligence of the
age," — "the march of intellect," and such-like absurd phraseologies
This irreverent spirit doth manifest itself in unseemly comparisons,
between the times which are past, and those which are present,
which do end in a preferring, to the wisdom of the olden time, their
own newfangled and presumptuous theories. Nay, there be even
those who do maintain, that what the lamented Francis Moorb
did, and other equally wise admirers of the by-gone past do, vene-
rate as the olden time, is, in very sooth, the Juvenile time ; inasmuch
as time groweth older every day, and, as a necessaiy consequence
thereof, every succeeding generation groweth wiser. It profiteth
not to waste words on such manifest absurdity ; suffice it therefore
to say, that Rigdum Funnidos hath, with much cost and travail,
assemblaged what may be most worthily intituled, a fair sample of
* collective wisdom,^ wherein will be found, most conspicuously
shown forth, the worthiness of our ancestors to the designation of
Wise.

" Concerning the superstitious use of what is called the Glorious Hand, or
Hand of Glory, by housebreakers in their robberies, we have the following
account : — The pretended use of this glorious hand is to stupify or stun all
those who are present, and render them perfectly insensible. This glorious
hand is the hand of a hanged criminal, prepared in the following manner : —
It is wrapped up in a bit of winding-sheet, very tight, to force out the small
remainder of blood, then put into an earthen vessel with zimat, saltpetre,
salt, and long pepper, all well pulverised, after which, 'tis left fifteen days in
that pot, then taken out and exposed to the hottest sun of dog days, till it
becomes very dry ; and if the sun be not hot enough, they dry it in an oven
heated with fern and vervain ; then they make a sort of candle of the grease
of the hanged man, virg^in wax, and Lapland sefanum, and they make use of
this glorious hand as a candlestick, to hold this candle when lighted ; and in
all places wherever they come with this fatal instrument, everybody they
find there becomes immoveable. We are also told, that it is to no purpose
for thieves to make use of this glorious hand, if the threshold of the door, or
Pther places by which they may enter, be rubbed over with an ungueDt|

l835-] THE ''wisdom of our ancestors." 21

composed of the gall of a black cat, the fat of a white hen, and the blood of
an owl, and that this composition be made in the dog days." — Tr. of Little
Albert, p. 34.

" John Weer, in his Book de Prestigus, has drawn up an inventory of the
diabolical monarchy, with the names and surnames of seventy-two princesi
and the seven million four hundred and five thousand nine hundred and
twenty-six devils, errors of computation only excepted, adding what qualities
and properties, and to what purposes they may serve when invoked." —
Bodin, p. 404.

" Thrasillus, a Heathen author, cited by Stobceus, says, that at the Nilo
was a stone like a bear, which cured those who were afflicted with daemons
for as soon as ever it was applied to the noses of dsemoniacks, the devil im-
mediately left them." — Bodin, p. 301.

" The way to be certainly loved, is, to take the marrow of a wolf's left
foot, and make of it a sort of pomatum, with ambergris and Cyprus powder,
carry it about one, and cause the person to smell of it from time to time."—
Albertus, p. 12.

" To prevent diflferences and a divorce betwixt a man and his wife, take
two quails' hearts, the one of a male, the other of a female, and cause the
man to carry about him the male, and the woman the female." — Thiers^
tome 1, p. 389.

" Place a Toad's heart on a woman's left breast when she sleeps, to make
her tell her secrets." — Thiers, tome 1, p. 389.

From " Ma RKH All's Horsemanship."

How to doe ivith a Jaded Horse. — When that your horse is thoroughly
tired, and hath yet much of his journey to do, alight from him, and cut, from
the nighest hedge, a short wande, which you shall jag in notches with your
knife, and, making a hole in the thinnest of his ear, when he dothe flag
in his pace, then saw the stick to and froe in the hole, which will revive
him soe that, until he be entirely spent, he will not faile to goe.

Another way, with the horse of a, friend, or that is hired, and soe that the
proper owner shall not know thereof — When that your beast is muche
wearied, and, hath yet far to travel, get down from his back, and choose from
the road side six smooth round pebbles, of which you shall put three in his
right ear, and tye up the ear with binde-weed, or long grass, punse-wise ;
then mount him again and put him on his mettle, and with the motion of his
head the stones in his ear will rattle seemingly to him like thunder, which
will soe inspirit him that while he hath life in him he will not fail to goe ;
and when he doth, after that, slacken of his pace, then tye up three in his
left ear also.

32 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835.

From "One Thousand Notable Things."

To Staunch the Bleeding of a Wound. — "Write these four letters, A 0 G L,
\yith the blood of the wound, about the wound.

A Medicine for the Toothache. — Take a live Mowle, and put him in a
brass pot, and there let him die, then cut him asunder and take out the guts,
and dry the blood with a cloth, then cut him in quarters, and hang him on a
thred drying by the fire's side ; when ye would use it, lay the fleshy side of
it, with bladders of saffron, with a cloth to your sore.

Pare the nails of one that hath the Quartan Ague, which, being put into a
linen cloth, and so tied about the neck of a quick eel, and the same eel put
into the water, thereby the ague will be driven away.

It is certainly and constantly aflBrmed, that on Midsummer eve there is
found under the root of mugwort a coal which preserves and keeps safe from
the plague, carbuncle, lightning, the quartan ague, and from burning, them
that bear the same about them : and Mizaldus, the writer hereof, saith that
he doth hear that it is to be found the same day under the root of plantane ;
which I know to be of truth, for I have found them the same day under the
root of plantane. It is to be found at noon.

You shall stay the bleeding of the nose, if you write with the same blood,
in the forehead of the party that bleeds, these words following, Consummatum
est.

If one do buy Warts of them that have them, and give them a pin there-
for, if the party that hath the warts prick the same pin in some garment
that he wears daily and commonly, the wart or warts, without doubt, will
diminish and wear away privily, and be clear gone in a short time.

If you take an oak apple from an oak tree, and in the same you shall find
a little worm, which if it doth fly away, it signifies wars ; if it creeps, it be-
tokens scarcity of com ; if it run about, then it foreshows the plague.

Whosoever eateth two walnuts, two figs, twenty leaves of rue, and one
grain of salt, all stamped and mixed together, fasting, shall be safe from
poison or plague that day ; which antidote King Mithridates had used so
much, that when he drank poison purposely to kill himself, it could not hurt
him.

From "The Accomplished Gentlewoman's Companion."

To Cure the Toothache. — If a needle is run through a wood-louse, and
immediately touch the aching tooth with that needle, it will cease to ache.

To Cure the Jaundice. — Take a live Tench, slit it down the belly ; take
out the guts, and clap the Tench to the stomach as fast as possible, and it
will cure immediately.

1 835-] ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINAKY. 23

From "Natura Exenterata, or Nature Unbowelled."

For the Falling Sicknesse. — Take the jaw bone of a man or a woman, and
beat it into fine powder, and if a woman have the falling sicknesse, then use
the jaw bone of the man ; and if it be a man, then use the jaw bone of the
woman ; so much of the powder as will cover a sixpence, put it into wine or
any other liquid thing which you shall like of, and drink it; you may use it
as often as you will, but especially at spring and fall.

For the Stone. — Take the blood of a Fox, and make it into powder, and
drink it in wine, and without doubt it shall destroy the stone ; and if you
will not believe, take a stone and put it into the blood of a fox, and it will
break.

For the Falling Evil. — Take the skull of a dead man, whereon moss
groweth, being taken and washed very clean, and dryed in an oven, and then
beaten to powder ; the skull must be of one thai hatb been slaine, or died
suddenly, or of one that was hanged.

To take a Corn out of the Toe. — Take a black snail, roast it in a white
cloth, and when it is roasted, lay it hot to the corn, and it will take it away.

Before death this is a sign, if the tears run down of a man's right eye, and
a woman's left eye.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTEAORDINARY.

THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF WISEACRES,
having for nearly two centuries, by the aid of Francis Moore,
Bichard Partridge, Poor Rohin, and Co., done great service to the
community, particularly to the agricultural portion thereof (by
their seasonable directions for getting in the harvest, &c.), and
occasioned great delight and satisfaction to all the old women of
the empire ; and having, moreover, employed the most diligent
endeavours to cause good sense and iiniversal intelligence to
remain, as the said Company's craft and mystery do clearly indi-
cate they should remain — Stationary : — for all these reasons, the
said Worshipful Company do take great credit to themselves for
the improvements in their business and calling, which other folks
have originated ; and confidently expect the public will, as in times
past, always deal at their shop, and give them full credit for all the
wonderful wonders which they promise henceforth to perform.
(By order of the Court)

GEORGE GREENHORN, Secretary.

JULY.

[1835-.

In this month, follow my advice,
Never to slide upon the ice ;
But if you should be tired of waiting,
Why, next month, you may go a-skating.

M I Season's
D^l Sign^.

' 2

!l6

A¥hat

shall

I do

to get

through

my task

let me

ask

I try

again

but

in vain

ah!

you

say

try

away

it's all

eye

and

Betty

Martin

that's

for

sartin

why

i'ts

done !

what

fun!

©titf i^atters.

. WEATJIEU.

vaUXHALL.

" Dear Jane, will you go to Vauxhall ?

We want just to make up a dozen ;
Fapa will stand treat for us all,

And, be sure, give a hint to your coxiain.

There's something so charming about him,
(I've got a new bonnet and shawl) —

I should be quite unhappy without liim,
And careless of even Vaxjxhall.

My confession you'll never betray.
For I'm sure you can manage it all ;

When you ask him, don't tell what I say,
But speak of the charms of Vauxhall.

You can talk of the songs and the singers,

The orchestra, ballet, and ball ;
I shall think that time spitefully lingers

Till when we all meet at VArxHALt.

Say, there's Simpson the brave, who commanded

Our troops in the year forty-five ;
Who killed Count de Grasse single-handed,

And took the French army aUve.

And remember the lamps,— how they're clustered,
By thousands and thousands of dozens ;

And then the dark walks— how I'm fluster'd
To think of your dearest of cousins !

You can talk of the fireworks so gay.
And just mention the ham and the chicken —

We'll contrive to get out of the way.
While papa makes an end of his picking.

1 should grieve to think drinking could charm hira-

But ere aU my project should fall.
If nothing in nature can warm him.

Then speak of the punch at Vattxhall.

If all that you say don't avail,
I must die with vexation and anguish ;

But I'm sure that your friendship wont fail
Your affectionate

Ltdia Languish."

Take note

D AH

that, 1 do

n© T? <^ A

predict
thatyoumay

D K\tf

reasonably

look for the

weather

being much
warmer

than

in January ;

9 b©

nor do I

think

there is great

A K

likelihood

T? Ai;^©

of frost or

snow.

i835-]

AUGUST.

In August, — so the Planets say, —

Every Dog shall have his Day ;
So at ZTowwcZsditch they meet, with much frisking and larking ;
And proceed to the choice of a Member for Barking.

Season's
Signs.

scamper

2
3

away
the

deuce

5
6

to pay
a mad

dog is

over

the

wav

he's

bit

a cow

he's

bit

a sow

he's

bit

19
20
21

my
poor

old

mongrel

23
24

Toby
and

25
26

they're
raving

mad

with

the

30
31

hydro-
phoby

entf JWatters.

WEATIIEE.

RiGDUM FuNNiDOS confesseth to having
purloined the following veritable story ; but
when or where, his memory deposeth not : —

OYSTER DAY.

Paddy was sent to Billingsgate, on the
First of August, to buy a bushel of Oysters.
When he returned, " What made you so
long, Pat ?'' said his master. " Long, is it ?
By my sowl, I think I've been pretty quick,
considering all things." " Considering what
things ?" " Why, considering the gutting of
the fish."—" Gutting what fibh ?"— " What
fish ! why the oysthers, to be sure." — " What
is it that you mean ?" — " What do I mane !
why I mane, as I was resting meeself a bit,
and taking a drop to comfort me, a jontle.
man axed me what I had got in the sack-
' Oysthers, sir,' say I. ' Let's look at them,'
says he, and he opened the bag. ' Och !
thunder and praties!' said he, 'who sould
them to ye ?' ' Tt was Mick Carney,' said I.
' Mick Carney !' said he ; ' the thief 0' the
world ! what a big blackguard must he have
been to give them to ye without gutting.'
' And aren't they gutted?' said 1. * Divil a
one 0' them,' said he. ' Musha, then,' said
I, ' what will I do ?' ' Do !' said he, ' I'd
sooner do them for you myself than have
you abused!' and so he takes 'em in doors,
and guts 'em all nate and clane, as you'll
see." And out Paddy turned the empty
shells on the floor.

If the
weather

^ ¥ © <? "li

hath been
lasting,

D H 6 c?

look for a
change ;

D ^^
b c5 ^ n 8

I say
look for it,

t $ 8QX

though

perhaps a

change will

come not ;

iu which
case,

Ti; .^ n *

you will
do well
to wait

till it doth.

9(5 THE COMIC ALMANACK, ri835,

THE GARDENEE'S CALENDAR.

As I sat at my window a few evenings ago, a loud rattling in the
street drew my attention, and at the same instant an omnibus
stopped at my nextdoor neighbour's, the poulterer. First alighted
a servant-maid and lad — then two or three half-grown boys and
girls, intermingled with a torrent of chattels, consisting of shrubs?
flowers, enough live animals to stock a menagerie, packages past
counting, and lastly, Mrs. Giblet in full feather, arrayed in lily-
white, and bearing in each hand a full-blown balsam. All was
safely landed, when a hackney coach drove up at a quiet pace, and
from it descended, with the help of his shopmen and a pair of
crutches, my neighbour, Simon Giblet himself. His legs were
swathed up, his back, for which broadcloth was formerly too nar-
row, seemed considerably shrunk, and he looked care-worn and in
pain. After him was borne his second son Dick, apparently dis-
abled too. I had scarcely seen my neighbour or any of his family
for some months past, but as I had often gossipped in his shop, I
determined to go down and inquire what had befallen him. He
had just arrived at his great wooden chair. His eyes were gleaming
with complacency on a goodly row of fatted fowls, all placed with
their delicate, dainty, floury broad behinds before, and as he plumped
into the seat he ejaculated, with a grunt, " Thank heaven !" A shop-
man sat in a corner plucking a snow-white pullet. Giblet looked at
him wistfully, and then, " Bring it here, Sam," he cried. He took
it, plucked a few handfuls of feathers, and as he returned it to
Sam, " Thank heaven !" he grunted again. My foot kicked against
something at the threshold. I stooped and picked up a clasped
book, which I presented to him, as I tendered my sympathy. "Oh!"
said he, "nothing but disasters. I've made ducks and drakes of
my money, and a goose of myself; upon my sole, it's a blessing that
I got away before Michaelmas. I'm in too much pain to tell you
now. Ah ! I see you've picked up my journal. Work or pleasure,
I've always made up a day-book every night. I'll lend it you if you
wish to see how I've been pigeoned. While I stuck to the fowls all
went fair with me, but when I took to that river-bank I was like a
duck out of water." I saw my neighbour was excited, so, after a
few consoling words, I retreated, carrying off his calendar ; and
here are some extracts, by permission, for the benefit of all amateur
ruralists.

1 835-] THE gardener's calendar. 2l

DIARY.

March 21, 1834. — Mrs. G. "bent on a rural retirement, and de-
claring this a dog-clieap bargain, — meet Mr. Grabbit to-morrow,
pay premium, and take lease of his snug place at Strand-on-the-
Green.— Wife insists on calling it Cherub Lodge, Paradise Bank. —
N.B. Original sum, £600 ; Grabbit seeming to like us, abates a
hundred entirely as a favour.

27th. — All safe arrived : only one pier-glass split into four, and
best tea-set, bought as 32 pieces, converted into 32 dozen. How-
ever, Mrs. G. observes, that being by the river side, we must have
a marine grotto, and the pieces of looking-glass, mixed with the
bits of blue and gold china, will make a fine glitter among the moss
and shells.

28th. — Grabbit recommends Isaac Snail as head gardener, and
his son Isaac to help him — says old Isaac was his right hand, and
begged to be left in the house, he was so attached to the garden.

31st. — Two days' rain, without ceasing ; planning with Isaac on
the large kitchen table covered an inch thick with mould — laid down
gravel walks of red garter, and stuck up skewers for fruit trees.

Ajpril 1. — ^Rain falling, river rising, cellars filling.

2nd. — Ducks swimming into the parlour — moved to the first fioor
for safety — Musical Tom (my youngest) splashing about bare-legged
in the kitchen, and shouting " four feet water in the hold," A leak
sprung in the next onion field — all my land under water. Dick,
perched on window-sill, angling for roach in the garden. Isaac
says we shall get used to it, and the waters always go ofi* again.
Daughter Julia tells me the people of Egypt would think it quite a
blessing — beg to difier.

7th. — Can just see land. — House left rather slimy.— Isaac and 1
commence gardening in earnest. — Distrained on for forty odd
pounds, taxes left unpaid by Mr. Grabbit. — To keep my goods,
parted with the money, and started to town for an explanation —
found Grabbit sailed last week for Swan River. Isaac says he was
a worthy gentleman, but had a bad memory — begin to be of the
same opinion.

9th. — Buried an old hen at the foot of a plum-tree by the light
of the full moon — am told it will then bear egg-plums.

19th. — Potato eyes always an eye-sore, so have planted a bed
with every eye nicely cut away, by which I hope to grow a crop as
smooth as my hand and as blind as moles. — Look for the Horti-
cultural Society's gold medal for this bright idea.

28 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1835,

27tli. — ^Wondered my ranunculuses did not come up ; just tried
one, found I had planted them all bottom topmost, and they were
shooting away down to what Dick says is the centre of gravity.

May 3. — Grubbing for grubs among the rose-trees — cucumbers
in full flower — Mrs. Giblet and Julia come to help me — all busy
setting the blossoms — puzzled to tell the male flowers, till Mrs. G.
discovered it all by the book.

12th. — Tulips splendid yesterday, but flagged this morning ; and
after dinner all napping with their heads on the bed — Isaac said it
was the east wind. Thought there might be a grub at the roots, so
drew one up — found no bulb— all the rest the same — somebody had
taken away the roots and stuck the flowers into the ground again.

13th. — Finished my new hot- water pipes for the conservatory,
all heated by the kitchen fire — a scheme of my own — Cook had a
regular flare-up with so much company yesterday, so the water was
boiling hot aU day — by night the plants looked like scalded goose-
berries. This morning, all my pipes united in a joint-run on the
cistern, which an swered their draughts to the last, and the spare
water from the green-house floor was soaking into the breakfast
parlour. The inventor just arrived — says it's aU quite regular — the
cracked joints will close of themselves in time — I wonder when.

23rd. — Wrote to the editor of The Gardener's Journal an account
of my plan for growing potatoes without eyes, and the experiments
for making an egg-plum tree.

June 2. — Yines cut last month, all bled to death. — Surprised that
my new potatoes without eyes have not seen daylight yet. — My
letter to the magazine in print. — Encouraging notice by editor,
" Thanks S. G. for communicating his ingenious discoveries; hopes
to hear from him again, with samples of the new potato and egg-
plum." Think I shall disclose myself, and name the new sort, the
Cherub Giblet potato. Most of the neighbours spoke to me com-
ing out of church yesterday, but little thought who S. G. was.

12th. — Suppose I want exercise. — Wife blows me up, and says 1
get pufiy ; so, to keep aU smooth with her and the garden walks,
drag the great roller about for two hours, morning and night.

19th. — Insects in green-house devouring all my new plants;
searched book for a remedy, and last night popped in a pan of
burning brimstone. This morning all the grubs shrivelled to shreds,
and every plant dead and stripped as naked as a plucked chicken.
Tom begs to have the green-house to keep his pigeons in.

23rd. — Fill up odd time in watching fruit trees with a rattle, for
the birds perch on the sham cats and build nests in the mawkins.

183 5-] THE gardener's calendar. 29

"What with opening and shutting the cucumber-frames, according
to the sun, wind, and clouds, plenty to do. — Charged the garden-
engine with lime water — set Dick and Tom to play upon the cater-
pillars. They have so whitewashed the three Miss Blackets, that
I have two velvet bonnets, a silk pelisse, and a cashmere shawl to
pay for.

July 3, — Tool-house robbed last night ; all cleared out but the
garden roller. Isaac's list for a new outfit — spades, forks, dibbers,
trowels, traces, hoes, rakes, weeders, scrapers, knives, pruners, axes,
saws, shears, scythes, hammers, pincers, lines, levels, sieves, water-
ing-pots, syringes, — he would have gone on, but I stopped him.

9th. — Set nooses for wild rabbits, which are devouring every-
thing green, even the bays. This morning found we had strangled
Dick's lop-eared doe. Tom, who is learning to joke, observed that
she had wandered for a change of food, and had found a ZiaZ^er-ation-

18th. — The Cherub Giblet potatoes not coming up to time, tried
the ground and found them rotting — all gone off without a single
shoot. — Mem. To forget them in my next to The Gardener's Journal.

24th. — Half my time taken up in driving the butterflies off the
gooseberry trees. Left my weeding-gloves stuck on a stick last night
— put them on this morning, and smashed five slugs in one, and
seven earwigs in the other. — Mem. Old gloves the best slug-trap.

August 6. — My cucumber frames yield plenty of fruit — have
gathered not less than twenty, worth twopence each — cost me only
five pounds six shillings and sevenpence.

9th. — Strolled into shrubbery this evening with a lanthorn, for
the pleasure of viewing things in a new light — up started two figures
from among the bushes, tumbled me, lanthorn, and all, into a bed
of roses, and escaped. Mem. 'Stablish a spring gun to-morrow.

15th.— Wall-fruit ripening — must have a few friends while there
is something for them — fresh-gathered peaches always a treat.

19th. — Up at six to look after the fruit — all hope of a dessert
had deserted my walls — every ripe plum, peach and nectarine, clean
gone, as though the rogues knew that I had asked ten to dinner.
Said nothing, but sent off Isaac to Covent Garden. Obliged to do
it liberally, having unfortunately been boasting. Looked in book
for best man-trap — found it called the humane, because it only
breaks the leg. Mem. Set up a man-trap to-morrow.

25th. — My egg-plums ripe at last — sent off a loaded branch to
my correspondent the editor — Letter of thanks in return, saying
that my tree would have produced egg-plums whether I had burie4
the old hen or not.— Envious, no doubt.

30 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [183^.

8eptemherr 2. — Terrible outcry in the garden, this morniDg, before
I was np — ran down in my shirt — unlucky Dick had stolen a march
on the egg-plum tree for a private regale. Branch broke — there he
was on his back, kicking — hives upset — could not see Dick for bees
—got help and rescued him at last — all stung a httle — Dick poul-
ticed from head to foot, and laid up for a month at least. I^aac
says it is a thousand pities, as the honey was almost ready for
taking.

18th. — Went to the Bank to-day — lot of garden tools at old iron-
shop in the City Eoad — very cheap and ready marked S. Gf., so
bought and despatched them home — looked up, and saw " Jacob
Snail" over door — thought it rather suspicious.

19th. — Could not sleep for thinking of Isaac and the tools — ^bright
moonlight at two — looked through the window — something moving
on the garden wall — saw two men among the bees — seized my
musket — called Harry to follow me — crept down through the shrubs,
and there was old Isaac, plain enough, tying the hives in sacks and
handing them to young Isaac on the wall — made sure of the old
fox, so fired at the young one ; down he fell into the ditch outside.
Sprung forward, forgetting the spring gun, caught the wire and all
the shot in my legs — never made such a jump in my life — took me
plump, head and shoulders, into the man-trap. There I was locked
fast across the chest. How I blessed myself that it was a humane
man-trap ! — Old Isaac escaped. — Here I am in bed and likely to be
lame for life — plenty of time for reflection — begin to think myself
an ass.

23rd. — Old Isaac not to be found — tracked the young fox-
brought him to confession — both been plundering me every night
from the beginning. Old Isaac stole my tools, and his brother sold
them to me again. Young Isaac stole my tulips — together they
stole my peaches and nectarines the night before my party, and the
old knave, when I sent him to town for more, fetched my own from
his cottage, and charged me with them.

25th. — ^A notice to-day, by which I learn that I have been im-
posed on by a swindling knave who had no right to sell me the place
or take a premium — that the owner is coming from the continent
and wants instant possession — never so thankful in my life — better
already — pack up— send for van — hire omnibus for wife, children,
and light luggage— go gently myself with poor Dick in a coach.

26th. — Here cornea the omnibus, Huzza !

18350

SEPTEMBER.

Boiling, boiling, stewed in steamers,
Aldgate flares in Margate manners ;

Fleet Ditch — Shoreditch — both are streamers
London flags, deserted banners.

10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
1 26
27
28
29
30

Season's |
Signs.

©utr Jttatters.

Ods!
flints
and

triggers
double
barrel-
led
guns
and
per

cussion
locks
powder
horns
and
shot
pocket
pistols
charged
with
brandy
thick
soled
shoes
and
flab-
ber-
de-
gas
kins

THE COCKNEY'S ANNUAL.

There's one thing very wonderful,— indeed, it quite
astonishes.

And of the March of Intellect it forcibly admo-
nishes,

It shows how wise the people are in every situation

And tho' they love reform, how much they hate all
innovation.

It proves, that tho' unsparingly they root out old
abuses.

They have a pious care for things of venerable

uses;

And tho' some folks don't scruple much to talk of
revolution;

And many would not hesitate to change the consti-
tution ;

Yet this one thing's so cherish'd with a laudable
afiFection,—

This idol of our ancestors, this mirror for reflec-
tion,—

That in the very centre of fair London's gorgeous
city,

It reigns, as in the days of old, to glad the wise and
witty;

Exhibiting the anxious care the Civical Nobility

Feel for the moral purity of London's chaste
mobility :

A long harangue I'd make of it, but flinch from
your ferocity,

Already rous'd up to the highest pitch of curiosity ,

I'll tell you then what 'tia at once, and nothing
more shall follow new,—

It is that rural festival-

lOMBW.

-the Faie of St. Babtho-

WEATiJER.

If it be
not

seasonable

weather

* n <y d

at
this time,
« T?0n 6

then

will it be

otherwise ;

which will
be worthy

(? (5 b0

of a
diligent

® « ^ ? ^^

searching

into

^ b0T

the causes

c5 * ?® b

thereof.

OCTOBER.

[1835.

Old Gripes, tlie brewer, reads with iron phiz
The Times, nor cares if hops be " fell" or " riz
Nor does the malt-tax cause him hope or fear,
For malt has no connexion with his beer.

Season's

Signs.

Now's

the

time

Jiugo

for

brewing

rare

good

stingo

and

where

is he

who'd

dare to

scorn

the

famous

Sir John

Barley-

corn

let

others

boast of

foreign

wine

a cup

of home

brew'd

beer

be mine.

(©Utf i^aturs.

THE KETURN TO TOWN.

At length, compell'd by emptying purse
To fly from fleas, and something worse —
The oft-sung strain, " Do let us stay
Another week," is thrown away:
You talk of rain, and chilly weather,
That cash and days grow short together.
That winds, and clouds, and fogs are come,
All hints to haste from Hastings home ;
So nought remains but just to get,
Before you travel, out of debt ;
Glut all the household birds of prey,
Pack your remains, and run away.
At raffles oft you've tried your fate,
And let your gains accumulate.
And now you wind up all the fun
With ten pounds staked, a sovereign won,
For which you bear away to town
Gilt paper treasures worth a crown.
No doubt you've tried, like all the rest,
A little smuggling for a zest ;
Sufficient proof, you've fill'd your jars
With Cognac made at Smithfield Bars ;
Your wife has bargain'd for French flowers,
All grown in Hatton Garden's bowers ;
On foreign silks display'd her skill,
While Spitalifields supplied her still.
And last comes on the dismal day
When daughters slowly slink away,
And leave you, warned by gloomy brows,
With money bills, brought up by spouse,
Debating clauses, which, alas !
You neither can throw out nor pass.
And when you've managed all to pay,
You skulk to town the cheapest way ;
Put sixpence in the coachman's hand.
Haggle with Jarvey on the stand.
And curs'd and bullied, off you sneak,
To pinch at home for many a w^eek.

WEATHER.

' AVelook
now for

« 6^ nn ?
cool weather

which is a
reasonable
expectation

yet hath it

sometimes

chanced

otherwise,

;:ar^ ntiii d

and so I do

leave yoa

to decide

upon the

probability

either way

being not

unmindful

as to what

the Grreat

Comet hath

to do in the

matter.

1835-J 33

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAOEDINARY.

"ORUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH.— The

wonderful efficacy of the Morising Pills becomes every day
more perspicuous. The discerning Public swallows 'em * like wink-
ing ;' and we defies all opposition, and the Wedlcly attempts of our
enemies to Dispatch us. We tells those as calls us quacks, that,
under the blessing of Divine Providence, we glories in our igno-
rance ; and takes every opportunity of exposing it, for the benefit
of our suffering fellow-creatures. And we have found them a
sovereign remedy for ourselves ; having, for a long while, been
afflicted with an emptiness of the chest, and a great deficiency ot
the yellow-stuff, all which terrible symptoms have speedily dis-
appeared ; so we feels in duty bound to propagate our pills to the
remotest prosperity.

The following are selected out of several millions of cases,
furnished by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove
the never -to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the
Hy-gee-wo-ian Medicines.

Most respected Sir,

Being clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning
faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good sense to
believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I don't know
who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally efficacious in all ages
and constitutions, from the infant of a week old, to the old man of eighty ;
and being, moreover, equally well convinced that it is quite unreasonable to
place any sort of trust or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific
education, who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical pro-
fession ; — and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and exceeding
likehhood, that an universal panacea could only be reserved for those who
are quite innocent of all medical knowledge, and whose perfect disinterested-
ness is manifested by their being contented with the trifling remuneration
derived from the credulity of the British public ; — I say, Sir, for all these
reasons I have become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines.

Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like your-
self, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to recommend them
on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large doses, on which I observe
you lay pecufiar stress ; and very justly : for does it not follow, as a matter
of course, that if six pills do a certain quantity of good, six thousand must,
as a natural consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the
patient must be six thousand times the better for them ? There are somQ

34 THE COMIC ALMANACK. l^^35

censorious folks who insinuate that the more pills I sell the more money 1
get by them ; but I need not assure you that, in this respect, my motives
are quite as disinterested as your own.

Yours ever to command,

FRANCIS FLEECE'EM.

P.S. — Please to send me a dozen wagon loads of No. 1 Pills, and the same
of No. 2 Pills, as early as possible. I band you tlie following cases, which
have come under my own knowledge : —

To the Ilaygent foi- the Morising Fits.
Oneuu'd Sur,

This hear kums 2 akwaint you that havein lost my happytight i
tuk to takein your Morising Pils witch i only begun with takein 5 hundred
hat a time witch had the blessed defect of turnin me inside out and I felt in
a wery pekooliar citywation witch discurraged me 2 parsewere and i tuk 1
thousen hat a doze by witch I was turned outside in by witch my happy-
tight was kwite discuvvered witch was a grate blessin for my whife who is
bigg in the famylyar way with 12 smal childern with grate happytights all
threw your pils and I ham now Abel to wurk and jam my 12 shillin a weak
So no more hat presnt from your

umbel Serv't to command

GREGORY GUDGEON.

No. 9,

Nobody-knows-where Street,

Jericho,

Feb. the 32nd, 1836.

Sir,

A MOST respectable friend of mine, at the suggestion of a worthy
magistrate of Surrey, felt himself constrained to take steps for his improve-
ment at that celebrated place of fashionable resort, Brixton Tread Mill.

For a considerable period he was greatly delighted with this elegant
mode of recreation ; and was much struck with the ingenuity of an invention
by which a person might walk fifty or sixty miles a day, without the incon-
venience of changing the scene. But, somehow or other, being a man of
very ardent temperament, he entered so much into the spirit of the amuse-
ment that — but I scarcely know how to describe it, lest I should be sus-
pected of exaggeration, a fault I hold in the greatest abhorrence — in short,
we have all of us heard of pedestrians, after a hard day's travel, complain of
having nearly walked their feet ofi" ; but my unfortunate friend literally did
so ; and so intent was he on his salubrious pastime that he kept walking on
upon his bare stumps ; nor would it have been discovered, had not his feet,
on finding that they had no longer the power of motion, detennined that
nothing else should have that power ; a,nd spitefully stopped the mill, by
getting entangled in the machinery.

The kind-hearted governor, who witnessed the occurrence, told my friend
not to mind such a trifle, but to morris on. Tins happy expression brought
to his mind your justly famous Iforrissing Fills ; and being naturally de-
Brious of recovering his footing, a messenger was moirissed of for a supply.

l835'] BRUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH. 35

At the first dose, he only swallowed a dozen boxes, which had no verjr visible
effect ; a thing not to be wondered at; because, as you justly observe in your
advertisements, it is impossible to take too many. The^ following night,
however, he trebled the quantity ; and, next morning, being awakened by
what seemed the shooting of his corns, he put his hand down, and found a
pair of fulf-grown handsome feet, more than twice as big as his old ones.
I should observe, there was one trifling deviation, — ^the heels were foremost ;
and, on getting out of bed, and attempting to walk towards _ the mill, he
found an invariable tendency to proceed in an opposite direction. ^ On the
circumstance being observed by the governor, he very kindly told bim not to
afflict himself on that head, as he found all his pupils at first had a similar
propensity ; but, by a strict attention to a bread-and-water regirnen, and a
small quantity of blood being drawn from the back by one of his amiable
assistants, they soon so far recovered, that the mere presence of himself, or
one of his assistants, was quite sufficient to prevent a relapse. ^ My friend
suggested that a dose, or even the promise of a dose, of the Morrissing Pills
would be much more certain to prove efficacious ; and the governor very
politely promised to give them a trial, as he confessed, he said, that the ope-
ration of bleeding was particularly painful to his tender feelings.

As to the inconvenience of the matter in the ordinary business of life, my
respected friend seems to think that it can make but little difference, as he
has always gone backward all his life- time ; indeed, it is a question with
him whether it is not an advantage ; as, instead of mixing in mobs and
frays, as he was very much in the habit of doing, his feet will now carry him
in a clean contrary direction, quite out of harm's way.

I remain, respected Sir,

Your gullible Servant,
No. 1, GILES GOSLING.

Find-it-out-if-you-can Lane,
No-vvhere Street.

Sir,

I BEG to inform you that a poor man was blown to atoms by the
explosion of the Powder Mills on Hounslow Heath. His affectionate wife,
who happened to be passing at the time, carefully picked up the fragments,
and placed them together ; and, by administering a dose of the Universal
Medicine, he was able to walk home, and eat a hearty dinner of bacon and
cabbage.

If any person should doubt the truth of the above statement, I beg you
will refer them to me, when I will fully satisfy all inquiries. I am easily
found out, — as everybody Jcnoivs me.

Your obedient Servant,

No. 1, Blarneygig Place, GILES GAMMON.

Salisbury Plain,
next door to Stonehenge,

P.S. — I forgot to add, that the poor woman, in the hurry of the moment,
made a small mistake, by placing the head of a donkey, which had been
blown off by the explosion, upon her husband's shoulders, instead of his own ;
But she says it is of very little consequence, as very few of his acquaintance
could perceive any difference.

NOVEMBEE.

[1835.

Now razors and ropes are in great requisition ;
So I humbly propose that * the House' we petition
(To prevent this sad use of the halter and knife),
That each feJo de se be transported /or life.

Season's
Sisrns.

©tfU i^attcrs.

WEATHER.

fogs

bogs

and

vapours

blue

devilry

capers

good

bye

hope

welcome

rope

dangling

strangling

frowning

drowning

oh!

Johnny

Bull

what a

silly

old

fool!

wait

to the

end

and

all

will

mend

GUNPOWDER PLOT.

'Tis good to remember

The Fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason, and plot ;

There's abundance of reason

To think of the treason,
Tlien why should it e'er be forgot ?

Our sympathies thrive

By keeping alive
Such sweet little hatreds as these ;

And folks love each other

As dear as a brother.
Whose throat they are ready to squeeze.

I delight in the joys

Of the vagabond boys.
When they're burning Guy Vaux and the
Pope;

It the flame keeps alive,

It makes bigotry thrive,
And gives it abundance of scope.

'Tis a beautiful truth

For the minds of our youth,
And will make 'em all Christians indeed;

For the Church and the State

Thus to teach 'era to hate
All those of a different creed.

It is two hundred years

Since our ancestors' fears
Were arous'd by this blood-thirsty fox ;

But often, since then.

Our parliament men
Have been awfully blotcn vp by Vaitx.

Now, they cannot deny

They're afraid of their Guy ;
And some of them earnestly hope,

He may fancy a swing

At the end of a string ;
And they promise him plenty of rope.

By the past

we do
predict of
the future,
by which

I do
discern the
likelihood

* $T(?

of the
weather

being

in some
sort the

same as
usual,

unless the
Comet do
make an
alteration
therein as I
have hereto-
fore noted.

:itiiff5?*f7(if|l'ii41lii'|ii fUm if .4ikM Jl^ijyiHillft'fiWfpfii'i

^^^^liit

I835-]

DECEMBER.

At length, I've come to the end of my tether ;
I've told you all about the weather,
And a great deal more, take it altogether,
So now my twelvemonth's work is done,
I'm your obedient, — Rigdum Fun.

Season's

Signs.

head

back

beUy

knees

teeth

toes

nose

aching

quaking

chattering

clattering

freezing

sneezing

0 rare

Christmas

fare

a fig

for care

kiss

below

the

miseltoe

laugli

quaff

never

fear

with

merry

glee

conclude

the year

mii i^attcrs.

BOXING DAY.

Of all the joys the seasons bring-,
(And most, alas ! have flown away,)

I dearly do delight to sing

The pleasures of a Boxing Day.

For then a host of smiling folks
Are anxious their respects to pay,

And tell me (would it were a hoax !)
That, ' if I please,' it's Boxing Day.

Those doleful "Waits, who've lain in wait.
To scare my balmy sleep away,

Like bravoes, who've despatch'd their job,
Now claim reward on Boxing Day.

The Milkmaid, who deals out sky-blue,
(Her tally's double-scor'd, they say,)

With smiling face, of rosy hue,
A curtsey drops on Boxing Day.

The Baker's man, who brings me bread

As heavy as a lump of clay,
And bricks as hard as any stone,

I can't refuse on Boxing Day.

As I was walking in the street,
I met the Butcher with his tray ;

He thrust the corner in my eye, —
I'll think of him on Boxing Day.

The Scavenger, who plaster'd me.
When dress'd in wedding-suit so gay,

Now hopes I ' von't forget, d'ye see,
As how that this here's Boxing Day.'

My house on fire — no turncock found ;

My house burnt down — he came to say,
He hop'd that I'd reward his zeal,

And think of him on Boxing Day.

The Bellman, Dustman, Chimney-sweep,
Bring up the rear in smart array,

And all get drunk, and strip to fight,
To prove it is a Boxing Day.

WEATHEK.

Take note,
6 « >K ? n

frost
and snow

K S

may be

expected

this month,'

* b K 0 b
but

be not sure
of their
coming,

then shall

you

not be

disappointed

^ D ? b

and
if it be

fine summer

weather,

then

I say again

/?©
bethink you
of the Comet

38 THE COMIC ALMANACK. ^^835.

VALEDICTION.

Farewell, my merry gentlemen, — let nothing you dismay ;
But take good heart, for tho' we part, we'll meet another day ;
I hope, next year, when, never fear, I'll have enough to say.

And bring tidings of comfort and joy.

To start fair game has been my aim, and make imposture smart ;
To raise a laugh at many a calf the object of my heart.
And " shoot at Folly as she flies," and fix her with my dart ;

And it's all for your comfort and juy.

Now don't despise my prophecies, and think 'em only jokes,
They're just as true, I promise you, as those of other folks ;
And while old Moore is such a bore, 'tis harmless sure to hoax.

For it's all for your comfort and joy.

"Let Turkey fear the Christmas near"— and ducks, if they are young.
And apropos of Quacks, — the game is up with Doctor Long,
But tho' we've lost the rubber, we've in tricks been pretty strong.

And it's all for your comfort and joy.

We've toU'd the bell that rings the knell of Morison and Co.,
And floored the funny Chancellor, with all his Penny Show,
Who veers about to show the folk which way the wind doth blow.

And it's all for your comfort and joy.

Our most uncommon Commons, and our very peerless Peers,

In clearing off old scores, have burnt the house about their ears ;

Of such a nest of phoenixes I own I had my fears,

But 'twas all for their comfort and joy.

Now let not those who've 'scaped my blows believe that I am fickle.
For many a "Pure,'' who looks demure, I've put a rod in pickle,
And if I'm here another year their backs I'll smartly tickle,

So there's tidings of comfort and joy.

WHILE WE VENERATE

WHAT IS DESERVING OF VENERATION,

LET US NOT FORGET, THAT

QUACKERY, KNAVERY, BIGOTRY, AND SUPERSTITION,

ALWAYS MERIT

EXPOSURE AND CASTIGATION.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For 1 836.

PROCLAMATION.

WiiEEEAS some evil-minded folks,

It ill becomes to crack such jokes.

Have made a most unseemly rout,

By spreading false reports about,

That Francis Moore, the fam'd Physician

Is still alive, in sound condition ;

And all we said about his dying,

Last year, was nothing else but lying j

Our gravity was all a hoax, —

Our sober sayings only jokes —

'Twas but a trick to gain his pelf.

And lay the Conj'ror on the shelf.

That he might be as much forgotten

As tho' in earnest dead and rotten ;

And thereby fill with consternation

The ancient female populatio7i.

To prove this true, they say that Moore,

Who, they assert, is not " no more,"

Gives out predictions quite as clever.

And full of sense and truth, — as ever I

Shade of the mighty Seer ! look down,

And blast the wretches with thy frown !

Thou know'st on us thy mantle fell ;

Thou know'st, too, that it fits us well.

But baser caitifis go much further,
And tax us with committing murther !
They swear we burst into his room.
And quickly seal'd his dreadful doom ;
For that we hocuss'd first his drink.
Then poison'd him with writing ink ;

X836.] PKOCLAMATION. 4I

And having thrown him on the floor,
We basely hurWd the gracious Mooue I

They vow we did this bloody deed
That we might to his fame succeed ;
But good, they say, can't come of ill,
For let us do whate'er we will.
We never shall, — and that is plain, —
The fools or the old ivomen gain.

Now, to confirm this idle talk,
They swear they've seen his spectre wallt ,
And that he's got a strange vagary.
At times, to be quite Stationary,
And haunt a certain place, where he
Affects Old Women's Company,
Who, spite of all we've sung or said,
Cannot believe that he is dead.
But to persuade themselves they try
' That Francis Moore can 7iever die !

Now, having gather'd facts like these
(Enough to cause one's blood to freeze).
We've issued forth this Proclamation
To all the lieges of the nation,
(Surmounted by Moore's arms and crest,
Of which by right we've 'come possest.)
To seize the knave, and maul him sore,
Who passes off for Francis Moore ;
(That is, if any such there be.
Of which we're much in dubity)
For Francis Moore, whom we succeed,
Is very — very dead, indeed.

But should it prove a real ghost.
Who, with a FooVs-cap, takes his Posf,
To grasp the Croioii we've fairly got,
We warn him he shall go to Pot,

And in the Red Sea soon be laid ;
Or to his loarm berth posted back.
Where he'll be liotpress'd in a crack,

Unless liis exit's quickly made ;
For none but nincompoops and fools
Let " dead men push them from their stools."

(Signed) Rigdu:u: Funnidos.

JANUAEY.

[1836.

*' Kind Reader !" (as old Francis always said,)
Beware of counterfeits, for Frank is dead ;
Some Quack survives — physician — if he will,
To swallow, of our 2-)liysic, many a pill.
We'll spread the caustic 'midst the town's applause.
And thank the public that the blister draws.

M
D_

2
2

4
5
6
7
8
9

10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31

Season's
Sierns.

When it

freezes

and

blows

take

care of

your

nose

that it

doesn't

get

froze

and

wrap up

your

toes in

warm

worsted

hose.

night

ere you

slip

into

bed

you

may

sip a

can of

good

flip.

©tftf JiTattcrs.

WEATHER.

"HARD FROST."

The day is clear, the frost is hard, —

I very much incline.
As I'm a dab, to have a skate

Upon the Serpentine.

There's Mr. Tait, — he cuts an eight ;

He cannot cut a nine ;
And I could cut as good &, figure

On the Serpentine.

I hate the eight of Mr. Tait,
For he's no friend of mine ;

He used me once so ungenteelj'
On the Serpentine.

For in the tele of Mr. Tait
There harhour'd a design,

To break the ice with Sophy Price
Upon the Serpentine.

He cut in there, and cut me ont

Of my sweet Valentine,
Which cut quite cut me to the heart,

Upon the Serpentine.

She cut me, while I thought that I
Was cutting such a shine,

By cutting out her pretty name
Upon the Serpentine.

So, Billy, bring my polish'd skates, —

My love I wont resign ;
She meets her knight, I know, to-day,

Upon the Serpentine.

And if my sweet wont follow suite,
But still my suit decline.

The thaw I'll wait, to seal my fate.
All in the Serpentine.

My
profound

A*0

prognostifi-

cations

of the

weather

? A ^0*

for

the past

year

D 6 *©

have all

proved

so correct,

□ b

D 5 T? A ^

and
I have

0n A

herein,
as well as

(9 (5 A b

in all

1836.] SLANGOLOGY. 43

SLANGOLOGY.

" With many holiday and court-like phrase—"

Shakespeare's Henry IV„ Pari I.

Miss Arabella Wilhelmina Wiggins is the pattern of gentility :

She never utters vulgar words, but talks just hke nobility.

I met her at Vauxhall, last year, and she gave me a sad relation

About Miss Briggs : I recollect it every word ; — hut here's her own narration :

" Oh, dear ! my dear Miss Popkins ! have you heard what befel Miss B. ?

(1 wish, Papa, you'd get up to snuff the lights; one can hardly see:

Oh, la ! you've made 'em fare up so, I declare we are quite in a blaze :

And, bless me ! there's all the people staring at us, all in amaze !)

I'll tell you, while Papa is taking his punch; his pipldn he calls the bowl,

(You make yourself scarce any punch at home, Papa ; so I suppose you'll

drink the whole).
I'm sure he will. Miss P. ; and even then he wont have quench'd his drouth.
(I really wonder, Pa', how you can pour so much punch down in the mouth.)
But how I rattle on ! quite forgetting all about Miss B.
You must know we were on a visit at a country cousin's ; and after tea
We stroll'd about with Mr. Timbs, and Mr. Figgins, and Mr. Oddy ; —
1 declare there he goes with his eye ow^staring every body.
Poor fellow ! he has but one, for the other's made of glass ;
'Twas a sad accident ; and I'll tell you how it came to pass : —
One night, he went out vahhii-shooting ; the moon was shining bright ;
His gun was overloaded and bursted ; and so one eye lost its sight.
Well, Miss Briggs is a very bold girl ; as bold a girl as one knows ;
And as we were walking along, the laundress caught my eye ; and
* £etty Martin,'' says Miss B., ' where do you hang out your clothes ?'
She came to a well after that ; and, really, I am almost ashamed to tell,
But, upon my word, she behav'd exceedingly ill about that well.
She began to hich the hucket ; and to a man who was chopping down a ti'ee,
She said : ' What are you with that axe about ?' which was very rude indeed

of Miss B. ;
And when he left oft" chopping, she said, * Why don't you cut your stick V
The man was just then chopping a piece of wood that was thick.
Now this made him quite confus'd ; and in his hurry his skill to show off,
He made a slip with his axe, and chopped poor Miss Brigg's little toe oiF.
The shock gave me such a terrible pain all over my eyes and limbs,
That I really should have fainted, if it hadn't been for that dear Mr. Timbs.
Poor Frederick Figgins was so affected that I vow he began to cry ;
I'm sure he did, for I was close to him, and I saw a drop in his eye.
He's a, nice young man; and / shoiddnH wonder if he soon married Miss

Briggs :
Her father is a coarsish man, and says he shall, please the pigs.
He wasn't very gracious, tho', at first, to Mr. Figgins ;
For when he ask'd his consent, he said to him (I had the whole story from

Mr. Higgins)
' How are you off^ ^ for soap and candles, and such-like, got me all my money ;
And for my daughter to marry a poor man wouldn't be vastly funny.
How^s your mother left you ; or have you your fortune to get ?
If you have / wish you may get it soon ; but I can't let you marry Miss Bet ;
But while I'm describing his bluntness, I'm wand'ring away from my point.
Th» limbs of my relation are indeed terribly out of joint.

44 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

Well, Mr. Figgins lielp'd Miss B. home to hop: the tmg, which happen'd to

lay across her foot,
Sav'cl her other toes, to be sure, but there was a terrible large gash in her

boot.
But poor Mr. F. ! how he fretted ! his fat cheeks than a mummy's were

thinner ;
He never could eat any breakfast, and seldom could eat any dinner.
His eyes were once bright as a star : the glaze on them now was quite

ghostly ;
A cloud seem'd to darken his day — lightsome and gay he'd been mostly.
A party he join'd at Vauxhall ; but its gaieties fail'd to delight him :
He did nothing but swallow rack-punch ; as to eating, 'twas vain to invite

him.
He call'd to his friend : ' Jemmy Johnson, squeeze me a lemon ;' and turning

to me then,
He said, in a voice that quite shock' d me, and looking as wild as a heathen :
* My spirits I cannot Jceep up ; your pludud flowers droop slower than I do ;
I'm sure that I make no mistake, — my fate will be that of poor Dido.'
(I declare I am talking pentameters ; quite forgetting you're not a Blue

Stocking ;
But that I am sure you'll excuse.) — Well, isn't the story quite shocking ?
Miss Briggs, tho', got quite well at last ; to the dolefuls he bade adieu quickly ;
Yet a lono; while he talk'd of her death, though he no longer look'd mournful

and sickly.
' All round my hat, while I liv'd,' he said, ' a crape hatband I should have

worn, —
A shocking had hat, to be sure ; but just fit for a lover forlorn.
Think what would have been my despair, with no consolation to go to !
But tbo' I have not lost her quite, yet, alas ! I have lost her in toe-toe.^ "

^aragrap^s 1E.xtraorlimary.

[Advertisement.] — We never admit puffs into our paper in any disguise
or under any circumstances, for we are sure that "the man who would
make'' a puff "would pick a pocket." It is a love for veracity alone tbat
induces us to state, that Monsieur Charlatan's TUSKOLATUM MYSTI-
FICATUM for renewing decayed TEETH • is the most wonderful and
surprisingly efficacious invention ever invented. How will those ancient
maidens rejoice, who have only a colt's tooth in their heads, when they are
fold, that by sowing tliis panacea in their gums overnight, a fine crop of
full-gro^vn grinders will sprout up by the following morning ! We speak
from our own expei'icnce ; and whereas, before we used this extraordinary
invention, our great anxiety was how to get teeth for our food, tho only
matter that now troubles us is how to get food for our teeth.

Accidents. — We are happy to state that there is a great diminution in
the number of accidents in the past week. Only 250 persons have been
drowned by steam-boats ; 320 women and children burnt to death by their
clothes catching fire ; 560 run over by omnibusses and cabs ; 252 poisoned
by taking oxalic acid instead of salts ; 360 scalded to death by the bursting
of steam-boilers ; 200 blown to atoms by the explosion of powder-mills ; and
about 100 — there or thereabouts — stabbed by dmnken soldiers, off duty ; all
which evinces a great increase of vigilance, carefulness, and humanity,
highly creditable to all parties concerned.

836.1

FEBRUAEY.

Look, Mrs. B — , Avhat a crowd I see,

And the bells they make such a clatter ;

And the people run, and I hear a gun !
Whatever can be the matter ?

Mrs. C — , my dear, it's no good, I fi.ar.

For us honest women and our spouses,

For the people say, the King's going to-day,
To open two very had houses.

Season's

Signs.

this

gaj

month

would

not

choose

walk

the

streets

dancing

shoes

nor

would

for

the

world

seen

trip

along

light

nankeen.

©tjtf i^attcis.

WEATHEK.

" TRANSFER DAY."
As I was walking past the Bank,

(I know not why I stroll'd that way,)
I saw a lady tall and lank,

With golden ringlets mix'd with grey ;
And as she tripp'd, or strove to trip,

Adown the steps, so light and gay,
The greasy granite made her slip.

And down she fell on Transfer Day.
I rais'd her up with gallant air ;

For I'm a Major on half-pay,
"Who only live to serve the fair,

At any time, in any way :
And while she blush'd a purple hue,

Her eyes obliquely shot a ray,
Which seem'd to say, " You will not rue

Your service on a Transfer Day."
And while the glance she threw at me

Was thro' my heart a-making way ;
I straight began a colloquy,

And to myself I thus did say :
If tradesmen, when their bills they bring.

Would be contented with half -pay ;
I'd soar aloft on freedom's wing.

Nor care a rush for Transfer Day.
But needy men the needful need ;

So, spite of ringlets golden grey,
And eyes that squint, I'll take the hint.

Nor throw the lucky chance away.
Full soon I found — ah I pleasing sound ! —

With wealth she could my love repay ;
No longer mute, I urg'd my suit.

Upon that very Transfer Day.
I leave untold our courtship fond : —

T made her Mrs. Major Cox ;
And in return for Hymen's bond.

She kindly placed me in the stocks.
Her heart is good, her temper mild ;

She rules with more than sov'reign sway;
Nor have I thought myself beguil'd,

Or once regretted Transfer Day.

other
matters,

D 8

so
worthily
stepped

%Qt © «

into the
shoes of my

n ^ >|c

renowned

8 5
predecessor,

? ^ ?

the great

FEANCTS
MOOEE,

Bcfunct,

n 6 ®X
which shoes,
by-the-bye,

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

[.1830

JLimbuggum Ass-trolof/icim, pro Anno 183G.

vox 31 UL TO ami, vox STULTORUM: the Voice of the Many
is the Voice of a Zany. — It brawleth at all Places and Seasons.

Courteous Eeader,

iDO herewitb. present tliee \vitli an liieroglypliic, after the
accnstomed usage of mj lamented precursor and prototype,
Francis Moore, trtfunct. It prefigureth a miglity cliange now lying
in the womb of futurity, and which doubtless will be brought forth
in due season by the great man-midwife, Time.

And now do I most entreatingly invite thee to cast a Parthian
glance at my foregone prophetic lucubrations, and especially towards
that symbolical prefiguration or liieroglypliic, by which I brightly
shadowed forth a certain notahle event, the fulfilment whereof did
so closely follow the heels of the prediction as to cause the multitude
to marvel ; — and when thou hast sufficiently pondered thereupon,

1S36.] INVITATION OF "THE SELECT." 4^

I would ask tliee whether thou dost not in verity deem me a fit and
worthy successor of the renowned Francis Moore, tjcfunct ?

I do thus throw myself on thy candour, because certain of mine
adversaries do most unworthily insinuate, that my astrological
skill is stark naught ; that I hold no correspondence with the stars ;
that I am no more acquainted with the Great Bear than with the
Great Mogul ; that I gather no signs of the Times from the signs
of the Zodiac; and, in brief, that I am no conjuror 1 My only,
familiar, they affirm, is a little, insignificant, diminutive thing, called
Common Sense, whose aid any one may have if he chooses ; that
the said Common Sense collects together certain things called Past
Eve7its, with which he compares Present Ai^iJearances, and they help
him to Future Prohahilities ; they are then put into the crucible of
Ordinary Judgment ; and my sagacious and veracious prophecies
and hieroglyphics are the result of this simple alchemy !

Candid Eeader ! Let thine own discretion decide, whether
logical judgment or astro-logical fudgement be the art which
influenceth my lucubrations.

INVITATION OF "THE SELECT"

BartfiolomeiB jFai'r.

Come, buffers and duffers, and dashers and smashers,

Come, tag, rag, and bobtail, attend to my call ;
Ye pickpockets, sally from court, lane, and alley.

The Lord Mayor in person has open'd the ball.
Come, BilHngsgate sinners, and cat and dog skinners,

And play up a game to make Decency stare :
A fig for propriety, sense, and sobriety !

They never were known at fam'd Bartlemy Fair.

Come, nightmen and dustmen, and rovers and drovers ;

Come, Whitechapel butchers, and join in the throng !
With marrow-bones and cleavers, delight the coal-heavers,

While broken-nose Billy shall snuffle a song.
Ye lazy mechanics, who dearly love one day.

For ^vives and for children who never know care ;
Who reckon Saint Monday more holy than Sunday,

Come and spend all your earnings at Bartlemy Fair.

Ye wives and ye widows ! here's plenty of bidders ;

Come hither, and each get a swain for herself;
To deck yourselves gaily, and grace the Old Bailey,

The pawnbrokers' shops will lend plenty of pelf.
Ye youth of the city ! ye servant-maids pretty !

Ye unmarried damsels with characters rare !
Come here and be jolly, for virtue's a folly;

So, come and be ruin'd at Bartlemy Faic.

MARCH.

[1836.

Some ready cash Dick wants to borrow
About this time — perhaps for rent ;

But like most folks, he finds with sorrow
lie's just too late — it's always Lent.

M I 8eason's
D ! 8ij?ns.

Blowing

growing

here's a

clatter !

what the

deuce

can be

the

matter ?

tiles

and

chimney

pots

come

down

and pay

their

duty

to the

crown,

while

surly

north
24 1 usurps
25 1 the
26 1 south

27
28
29
30
31

and

makes a
dusthole
of your
mouth

(§m j^attcrs.

WEATHER.

"DAY AND NIGHT EQUAL."

'Tis Six o'Clock ; — and now the Sun
His daily course begins to run ;
While Folly's children slink away,
Like bats who dread the glare of day,
From Masquerade or Fancy Ball,
Where pleasure reign 'd in Fashion's Hall ;
And sneak along, like guilty creatures,
With tir'd limbs and haggard features.

The sons of toil, as they come near 'em,
With coarse-spun jokes begin to jeer 'em ;
While, au contraire, each motley hero.
Whose wit is now far under zero.
With ' not a gibe to mock their grinning,'
Has but a sorry chance of winning.

The Clown, with phiz so dull and sad,
Looks grave as Ghost of Hamlet's Dad ;
And FalstaiF, now he's lost his stuffing.
Looks lean as lath, and pale as muffin ;
While Harlequin, half muzz 'd with wine.
Don't care a rush for Columbine,
But leaves her, like a careless loon,
To draggle home with Pantaloon ;
And Eomeo, with empty purse,
Abandons Juliet to her nurse.

The child of labour, when he sees
Such silly spectacles as these, —
How dissipation is repented, —
May with his station be contented ;
Fon mete them both with equal measure.
He'll find the hardest toil is pleasure.

although I

somewhat
clumsy

h(Dnn6

withal,
nU ?=^

do fit me

with
marvellous
accuracy :

for these

reasons,

I say,

K 9,

it behoveth
me to

Ka,h 6 9.

be tender
of my

Q^ $ D
^ n 5 })

1836.1 "the lay of the last" alderman. 49

"THE LAY OF THE LAST" ALDERMAN.
I,
The feast was over on Lord Mayor's Day ;
The waiters had clear'd the viands away ;
The Common Councilmen all were gone,
And every Alderman, — saving one ;
AVho to gorge and guzzle no. longer able,
Had sunk to repose beneath the table,
And, sooth'd by his own melodious snore.
Lay calmly stretch' d on the Guildhall floor.
But ho lay not long in the arms of sleep,
Ere a sound, that caus'd his flesh to creep,
Startled him up from his downy bed,
And caus'd him to raise his achinghead;
When oh, what a sight then met his eyeE,
And chill'd his soul with sad surprise !

He bawl'd aloud when the scene was o'er,
Which awoke the porter, who open'd the d;>c-:.
When a bottle of sherry had loosen' d his tongue,
'Twas thus the latest Alderman sung : —

II.
1 was rous'd from my sleep by a frightful crash,
As if all the crockery 'd gone to smash ;
And I straight beheld a terrible form, —
At the end of the hall it took its stand,
With a swingeing besom in its hand,
And shouted out " KEFOKM !"
III.

Then stalking to me, it thus did say,
" Gone is the glory of Lord Mayor's Day !
Gone — gone, for ever !
To come back never.
The Corporation Keform Bill's past,

And ev'ry ward is Cheap ;
The City of London they'll squeeze at laei;,
And scatter her golden heap.

IV.

''Fortsoken no more Port shall sole,

For guzzling they'll aBridge it."
(I thought this quite beyond a joke,

And it put me in a fidget.) . ^
" No 'fair round bellies with capon lin'd

Your Aldermen shall sport ;
They may double the Cape, if they feel incliu'dj

But they never must touch at Fort.

" The Worshipful Court — so fate ordains—
Shall look like skeletons hanging in chainsi

go THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836,

They'll need no gowns, for they'll get eo thin,
They may wrap themselves round in their own loose skin ;
And then in vain
Shall they complain,
"Who cannot bear the shock ;
Champaqne shall turn to real pain,

And Turtle change to mock.
No calipash or calipee
Their longing eyes again shall see ;

No more green fat !
To them shall veil" son still be deer ;
Their stout shall turn to thin small beer,
Sour and flat.

" No lamps shall blaze in this spacious hall,
But farthing rushlights, lank and small,
Some cook-shop's dining-room shall grace,
Where Mister Mayor, with sword and mace,

And all the Corporation sinners.
By city contract clothed and fed.
Shall dine at eighteen pence a-head.

And feel quite grateful for their dinners.
While the armour-man, like a turtle starv'd.

Shall rattle his bones in his iron shell.
And no more shall feast on baron of beef.

But stand content with the cook-shop smell 1"

Thus having said his terrible say,
The horrible spectre stalk'd away,

And left me in the blues ;
And as across the Hall he pass'd,
E'en Gog and Magog stood aghast,

And trembled in their shoes.

vin.
Oh, dreadful night !
Oh, fearful sight !
To see that sight, and hear that say.
An Alderman's soul it may well dismay.
I felt as opprest
WiA a pain in my chest.
And as brimful of terror and ills,
As if I had eaten some venison old,
Or swalloir'd a gallon of turtle cold.
Or been poison'd by Morison's Pills.

IX.

I tried to rise, and I scream'd a scream,
The man at the gate came staggering in —
" To be sure I did, for I heard a din ;
And your worship gave such a terrible snore.
While you laid on your back on the Guildhall floor,
That it woke you up from your dream /"

1836.]

APEIL.

Well, neighbour, what do the papers say
About '' The Wisdom collective ?"

Oh I their Honours are busied by night and day
With a list of Tlie Lords elective :

For like old London Bridge, they declare, for years

They've been sadly obstructed by too many peers.

Season'
Signs.

Sloshy
squashy
are
the

streets,
sloppy
droppy
all
one
meets ;
Haber-
dashers
mantua-
makers
look as
grave as
under-
takers,
for

shopping
ladies
forced
to
house

at home
to

worry
spouse.

^tftt flatters.

"EASTER MONDAY."

Can poet's quill,
Or painter's skill.
Depict the joy
Of 'Prentice Boy,
On that bright fun day,
Easter Monday?

Can rhetorician or logician
Describe with aught that's like precision
The rapture that dilates his soul,
Now his own master, and beyond control ?
His fancy soars aloft, like a sky-rocket !
Wbere shall he go ?
He doesn't know.
Although " the world's before him where to

choose,"
And he's got on a bran new pair of shoes,
And two bright shillings in his trousers'
pocket.

Perhaps he'll join the merry throng
Who love the dance and song ;
Or, dratvn by Astley's horses, go,
And " struggling for the foremost row,"
Enjoy the feats of fam'd Ducrow ;
Or at the Circus, as they us'd to call it,
Clamour and bawl it ;

And, like a little savage.
Shout " Bravo Davidge !"
Who, Richard-like, disdains to yield.
And " saddles lohite Surrey for the field."
Or else some fellow-'prentice tells
The joys he'd quaff at Sadler's Wells.

While these temptations try to start him,

A sudden fancy comes athwart him, —

" Well, only think !— why, I declare,

I'd quite forgot there's Greenavich Fair !

And won't I have a precious lark

Down One- Tree Hill in Greenwich Park I"

WEATHER.

budding

b nSl ^ *

©n

reputation.

0T?n

and
not to put
the same

into
jeopardy

* n© r?

any crude
or hasty

©^ 6 (?

guesses or
speculations

©^ $

thereupon,
as is the

©^ 1; bn

- wont
of those

E 2

53 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

^bbertiscments anb ^aragrapSs lExtraorbmarg.

lOxTKAORDiNARY CIRCUMSTANCE. — Yesterday, a shabbily-dressed, balf-
genteel, poetical-looking sort of man, suddenly fell down in one of the gin-
[ulaces in St. Giles's; after having, as it was supposed, put an end to his
existence, by swallowing a quartern of Deady's Best. On taking him,
} owever, to the Station House, and administering large doses of cold water
(to which his stomach manifested a particular antipathy by repeatedly
serving it with an ejectment), he was sufficiently recovered to give some
account of himself; but the following lines, written on the back of a dirty
tobacco paper, found in his pocket, will sufficiently explain the cause of the
rash act. It will be seen that he was a man oHetterSj tho' (judging from hia
rescrvedness) of very few words.

To Rohert Sliort, Esc^. 31 P.

Dear Bob,— I know that U'll XQQQ
The wailings of a mournful MUUU.

While U, my friend, are at your EEE,
My creditors 1 can't apPPP :
I'm CD, — drooping to DK,
With not a sous my debts to pay.
So lean a wight you ne'er did C, —
I look just like an FI-G.

My purse is MT, it is true ;
But don't suppose I NV you :
I 0 U nothing but good-wnll,
And that I mean 2 0 U still.
But if my motive U'd descry
For writing this, I'll tell U Y :
B 4 'tis long, I hope for peace ;
And when tj hear of my DCCC,
I beg, to show your love for me,
U'll write your' Poet's L-E-G.
I'm sure that U'll indite it well,
For in such matters you XL.
Say, " E was once a R T fellow,
" But all his ' green leaves soon turn'd yellow,'
" He didn't mind his PPP and QQQ,
" But Plutus left, to woo the MUUU :
" And tho' he courted all the IX,
" He found them far too poor to dine ;
" Nay, more, the very Graces III
" Could scarce afford a cup of T.
" So here he lies, for want of pelf,
" Who'd but one NME,— himself."

An Extraordinary Turnip, of the Dwarf species, was lately dug out of a
jeld on the estate of Major Longbow, who caused the inside to be scooped
out, and gave a grand entertainment therein to a party of 250 persons. —
American Paper.

Falls of Niagara. — Congress has passed a resolution that a premium
should be offered for a machine by which the Falls of Niagara might bo
rendered portable, to afford those persons who live at a distance the oppor-
tunity of viewing them at their own houses. — American Paper.

t836.]

MAY.

The depth of " A Winter in London," I sing : —
For thus do the rulers of fashion declare —

That Spring Garden shall yield all they know of the spn'nr/,
And the charms of fair May be supplied in May Fair.

jl3

!l5

!l6

!25

1 26

Season's

Ah! well-
a-day !
alack !
alas!
that
such a
thing
should
come
to pass !
but on
my word,
I feel
suspi-
cious,
unless
the stars
prove
more
propi-
tious,
that
I shall
nothing
have
to say
about
this
famous
month
of May !

"©Itf i^at? ©ap."

BY A NOIfAGEKAEIAN.

When I was young and in my prime,

Then ev'ry thing look'd gay ;
And nothing was so merry as

The merry First of May :
Kind Nature, who doth ever smile,

Seem'd then to smile the more ;
And ev'ry Spring that time did bring

Seem'd greener than before.
The birds they sang so jocundly,—

They flll'd the air around.
And human hearts as jocundly

Responded to the sound.
I recollect the lovely scene

As though I saw it still :—
The mansion of a noble race

Was seated on a hill ;
And smilingly it seem'd to look

Upon the plain below,
Where groups of happy villagers

Were sporting to and fro.
The May-pole in the centre plac'd.

All deck'd with garlands gay.
While lads and lasses danc'd around.

And footed it away.
The ruddy hostess of the inn.

Which stood within the vale.
Supplied the thirsty revellers

With draughts of rmt-brown ale;
While pleas'd, the neighb'ring gentry stood,

And view'd the cheerful scene,
Or laid aside their rank to join

The sports upon the green.

Ah ! those were times that memory

Is happy to retrace,
But chang'd, alas ! and sad are those

Which now supply their place.
An honest healthy peasantry

Then shar'd the farmer's board.
Who'd shrink from parish pauper pay,

As from a thing abhorr'd ;
The sons of " Merry England" now

Are chang'd to Mammon's slaves.
And " peep about to And themselves

Dishonourable graves."
The " labourer," no longer " reckon'd

Worthy of his hire,"
No more partakes the farmer's board.

Nor warms him at his Are—

(RiGDUM FuNNiDOS interrupteth :)

stop, stop, old friend ! I prithee, cease this prosina
Egad ! you'll set my gentle readers dozing.
The Times are bad, I own, and sad's the'chavge;
But, surely, that is not so wondrous strange ;
And if it were, this is no place to joke in.

NON-AGENAEIAN :
Enough, good Rigdum !— I'll give over croaking.

WEATHER.

who

6 x^<pa

in place
of

5 n D

consulting
the stars

^ t S '^^

according to
art,

thrust forth

their
own bald

and
conceited

D $ ^
suppositions

nr $ * Ml D

For these I
and other
weighty

5*4 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

A DEAMATIO FACT.

" Macbeth by Mr. Higgs !"—
Tliey sometimes used to let him play it in the country ;
And then, odds wigs !
How very great he felt !
One night, while he was at it,
The pot-boy, from the pnblic-house at which he dealt.
Being at the wing, quoth Higgs, aside, " Od 'rat it !
I do lack spirits, — but that sha'n't fret me,
Here, boy, take thou this coin, and go get me" —
*' Some bread and cheese, and porter, innions, Sir, or what ?"
" Nay, no prog !
Expend the shilling all in glorious grog !"
" With sugar, Sir ?" " Ay, and very hot;

Thou knowest, lout !
I only take sixpenn'orths cold without !"

The pot-boy took the grog into the green-room.
And left it there for Higgs : — but, as it came to pass,
Lady Macbeth and Banquo having twigged it,
First slie took a very leetle sup, —
He fairly swigged it ;
And so between them both, alas !

Lady Macbeth and Banquo mopped it up,
And hid the glass !

Higgs, who all this time
Had been upon the stage,—
In that great scene where Macbeth's urged to crime
By those foul witches, —
Now strutted in, — but, oh ! (excuse the rhyme,)
Odds philibegs and breeches !
How he did foam and rage,
And writhe his face.
And call the potboy hog, and dog, and log,
On not perceiving his expected grog
In its accustomed place.

The potboy, being summoned, vowed

That he had duly brought it.
And, if to speak his mind he was allowed,
He thought it
Might have vanish'd.
Being partly spirits, — like the witches,
'* 'Tis false !" roared Higgs, " Avaunt ! Be banish'd !
Yisit no more this realm of milk and honey !
Base caitiff! YOU'VE ABSCONDED with the mo^ey r

i«36.]

JUNE.

D»

The Midsummer niglits fly swiftly by,
While Members are " catching the Speaker's eye ;"
And the Outs are employing their labour and wit
On those who are /?z, to serve " notice to quit."

1
2
3

6
7
8
9

10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30

Season'
Signs.

Lawyers
now may
take
their
ease,
and

counsel
reckon
up their
fees ;
for
now
the

welcome
long ^
vacation
gives a
rest to
liti-
gation ;
while
happy
they on
quarter
day,
who're
not

obliged
to run
away!

©-ifa JHaturs.

HOLIDAYS AT PUBLIC OFFICES.'

I've often thou!?ht how hard the fate
Of those, who're destin'd, day by day.

To rise up early, lie down late,

And waste, in toil, their lives away.

And often have I ask'd myself,

When musing o'er these scenes of woe,
" Couldst thou, for sake of sordid pelf,

Oppress thy feUow-creatures so ?"

Then fancy would begin to paint

The griefs of little cotton-spinners,

Compell'd to labour till they faint,

That bloated knaves may eat good dinners.

I thought of poor young milliners.

Who toil all night, with matted tresses,

And faces pale, that Fashion's dames
May grace the ball in fancy dresses.

And then I thought upon the Pole,
Condemn'd, among Siberia's snow.

With shackled limbs and blighted soul,
The joys of freedom ne'er to know.

With those who work in powder mill.

Life's value scarcely weighs a feather,
So oft exploding, 'twere no ill,

Were they exploded altogether.

But what are these ? and what are those ?

Or all that thou. Oh, man ! endurest ?
Compar'd with those transcendant woes

Experienced by the Sinecurist ?

Compell'd by eight o'clock to rise.
By nine to get his breakfast o'er.

And leave some bit that gourmands prize,
Because the stage is at the door.

And when the coachman sets him down

At Treasury or Navy Pay,
His toil begins,— but I'll explain

How hard he works from day to day.

Five weary hours he stands or sits.
Or fidgets till he gets the vapours;

And then to chase the ennui fits.

He picks his teeth, or reads the papers.

Perhaps his name full twenty times

He writes, or writes a page of figures;

Until are heard the welcome chimes.

Which end the toil of these white Niggers.

The fate of him who digs the mine,
Compar'd to this, is children's play;

Then, ah ! how ci-uel 'tis to sneer,
And caU his life a holiday.

Ah ! radicals : ye little know

'Bout what it is ye make a clamour;

Go, thank your stars you drag a truck.
Or only wield a blacksmith's hammer.

WEATHER.

and
sufficient
reasons,

instead of

% $®

jumping

at once

into the ice

and snow

^ ^ ^ t ^

of January,

and
commencing

b 6 })

I as the
learned !

(? <Y> 2 * iJ i

have it,
6 ^^h ^

ah initio,

^6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

THE SERVANT OF ALL WORK.

"He Hood if he could.

Roaming along, the other day, in those regions of Cockney retire-
ment, the vicinity of the Cat and Mutton Fields, about a mile from
the Ultima Thule of Shoreditch, I was struck by the appearance of
a row of neat little houses ; and my attention was so particularly
arrested by one of them, that I incontinently paused to look at it.
It seemed to have all the ostentatious assumption of a little man
who strives to look big. It had a portico, that might have belonged
to the Colosseum, with a flight of stone steps that would have graced
the new palace at Pimlico ; and the drawing-room windows were
ambitiously overshadowed by a verandah, not unworthy of Worthing.

While I was meditating on its appearance, and admiring the
extraordinary air of cleanliness which distinguished it from its
neighbours, a paper parcel, tied round with thread, and sealed with
a thimble, fell at my feet. I looked above and around me, but no
one was visible ; and conceiving it to be intended for myself, I picked
it up, and walked on. At a favourable opportunity I opened it, and
read as follows : —

"This cums Hopping that sum boddy in the Street Walking
may pick me up and put me into the Square box at the Circling
librey, the Place where the Post is. It is the haughty bioggrify of
/. unfortnit yung cretur who's in servis. Let the supperscripshun
be to the Mournin Herald or the Currier or the Trew Son or the
Stand Hard, or the Spekt Tatur, or any of 'em, for one's just as
good as tother. I think the noospapers would take it inn, K)r they
takes in a good many servants as wants places.

"My pappa was a Baker, and he meant I shuld be Bread up like
a lady, for tho I was the least of the Batch, i was the Flour of the
flock. But pappa Dying, i had to git my Living, for he didnt Roll
in ritches, and his guds and chappels were Saddled with detts, witch
Spurred me on to Bridel my greef, tho i seldom had a Bit in my
mouth, wich was hard ; and when our Blow got Wind, i lost my
sweethart, wich Blow was Harder. He was sitch a nice yung man ;
and when i walkt past his Door, he used to prays my Gate, and tell
me when we were marryd we should live in Stile. But I am Loth
to say, he turned out a Willing, and wanted te tak advantidge of
my citywashun. But I had 2 strings to my Beau in a yung mit-
chipman, but he got prest and sent on board a Tender, witch was
a grate Hard Shipp for him, and I felt it.

" But to cut a Long Tail Short, — when my dear Ben Bannister
left me, miss fortin Staired me in the face, and every boddy turn'd
their Backs on me, and I culd not bare such a Front, so i got a
place as a servnt of all work, and my mind was maid up to be in
iuster house : but it was a Grate fall for me down into the Kitchen,

1S36.J THE SERVANT OF ALL WOKK. 5i

tho wlien i got there i found a Grater ; for my first missus was a
Dresser, and often and often when I've bin all over gi*eeee she has
calld me up to her Rome to help her on with her gownd, witch was
very humblin to 1 as was used to have her own made to wait upon
her. Butt i left her bekause we lived at a Fishmongers & itt Smelt
so ; and i had more than twenty Plaices in the first 12 months, wich
Maid me quite Crabby, for I was going Backwards. But mississes
are as proud as my lord Mare, and makes you work like an Horse ;
so I turned myself Out, for i culd not In-Door itt.

" I wont trubbel you with all my trubbels, but will skipp over
the hole to give you my Last, wich dont Fit me at all ; and its Jest
no Joke, I can ashure you, for its like as if my 20 mississes was
turnd into one. I've bin in the plaice almost a month, soe I have
had a pritty gud experense.

" First, i Seconds all the close, & theres 13 of us in fammaly.
Theres missis & master, thats 2, but misses says as how theyre 1 :
theres the 3 young ladys is 5 ; and the 3 boys from skool, where i
am sure they never larnt no manners, & I dont love em at all, that's
Hate ; & the 2 yung babbys in harms is 10 ; and mr. Phipps the
frunt parler loger is 11, and mr Snooks the back parler loger is 12
& i am just thirteen. So i leaves you to juge when i Hang em all
out if there isnt enuff to Do for.

"Missis is what they calls a not Abel womman, & keeps 1
scrubbin & doin all day long, & is so pertickler, that when master
cums home on a wet day, i has to lift him into the hous for fear he
shuld dirty the steps. To be shure he's a werry Httel man, but
then its so shockin indillikat. Missis is verry fond of Bruin too,
witch i cant Bear, and i hates Hops, xcept when i goes to a dance ;
besides, the Hopperation quite puts one into a fomentation, and
sets one all of a Work. Then the fammaly is so verry unreglar, &
we keeps a deal of cumpany, tho they dont alow any foUerers, and
missis is always snubbin me if the Butcher or the Baker stopps a
minuet att the gait. But if i were even to liv in a garratt, i shuld
be abuv sitch peepel & shuld look down uppon em. I no one of the
yung ladys casts a sheeps eye on the Butcher herself, but i hop he
wont giv her his Hart, for i am shure she would be a gay Liver, &
i no she has plenty of Tung.

" Wile i am uppon theas yung ladys i culd pick a hole in em, but
i abhor Back bitin. Howsomdever, tho they are Twins all Three
of em, theres no Unity in One of em, and when a gentilman is
jjiterdeuced to the fammaly. they all fall in luv with him, wich
must be verry embrasing to the j^arty, and they try ail their harts
of captywashun. Miss Carryline rites a biUy dux anomilously and
folds it like a trew lovyers not, to puzzel him. Miss Matilda makes
annoys on the harp with her bigg Fistis, and says she had her
lessons from a Boxer ; and miss Jimmima thumps away on the
piney Forty, Fifty times a day, to git pirfict for the heavening. I
often wishes thare was locks to them keys.

•' But all their Harts wont do, & theyve none of them got a Deer

5S THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

yet, for they make themselves 2 Chepe, & they are all of em verry
jellus of me, bekause the 2 gentilmen logers has a grate licking for
me ; & they carrys their spit so Fur that I mnstnt ware a Bore,
and they sets their mama Hat me if they sees a bit of lace on my
Cap. They makes quite a Furze too if i incloses my Waste with a
ribbon tho its so Common ; & I'm shure they had better pay what
they Hose than find fault with my Stockins ; for they stands over
me wliile i am Pinking em, witch shose they aint well Ked in their
manors, and they wont lett me Ware em_ no Ware. I shuld lik to
no why servnts aint to doo what they likes with their hone ; for
Ive red theyve as big a steak in the common unity as their Betters,
who're many of em nothin else but Gamblers.

" But i dont mind the Hitts of sich Misses : for its all Shear envy,
becaus they wants to Cut me out with the 2 logers, & had rayther
see me Hangd than Halter my condishun. But the gentilmen
dont lik none of em, for theyre as tall and as pail as 2 hapenny
Rushlites and a grate deal more Wicked. Mr. Snooks, the loger as
walks the Horsepittels in the back parler, says theyre more like
ottomies than wimmen, for they've none of em got no liannimashun ;
and mr. Phipps the dark as hokkipies the frunt parler says theyre
quite Ciphers to me, for i am a better Figger, & more uprighter
than any 1 of em. He sometimes carrys his devours to such a
Pitch, that if i culd forgit my Tar, I see no resin why i shuld not
marry him, & then the miss Rushlites would be very much Put Out
when they'd lost one of their Flames.

" Mr. Phipps is a littery man, and nose a Grate many Tongs,
and has maid a bigg book of Pottery, full of Plates. He tells me
not to be jellus because he Courts the Mews, & has sent me the
histiy of his hfe & a coppy of verses on my mississes yousidge of
me ; and i hop you'll tell the noospaper man he mustnt take my
life without takin his'n & he may have the pottery into the bargain.

" ISfotty Benny. — My life shall be conclooded att the first hoppor-
tunitty.

" So no more at presnt from yours humbely to comand

"MOLDYDUSTA MOGGS."

" Post Scripp. I forgot to tell you that i cant git enufi" to heat,
missis is sitch a skin Flint, unless I Steel it, & that's unpossebel,
for she always takes care to lock upp the Cold Heatabels."

1836.]

JULY.

Dear me 1 how hot the weather grows —

There's scarce a breath to cool one's face ;
Through Ai?' Street not a zephyr blows,

Nor e'en a breeze from Wind-hsim. Place.
Down Kegent Street, so lazy all one sees,
There's nobody " industrious" but " The Fleas."

1
2
3

121

1 22

:23

Season's
Signs.

belly

back

hip3

reins,

all

full of

aches

and

pains

because

I know

not

what

to do

the

Season's

Signs

are

now

so few

and

all

that

I have

got

to say

is, take

care of

Saint

Svvithin's

day!

mts jmattcrs.

A DOGGEREL FOR THE DOG DAYS.

Most doggedly I do maintain,
And hold tlie dogma true, —

That four-legg'd dogs altho' we see,
We've some that walk on two.

Among them there are clever dogs ;

A few you'd reckon mad ;
"While some are very jolly dogs,

And others very sad.

You've heard of Dogs, who, early taught,
Catch halfpence in the mouth ; —

But we've a long-tail'd Irish dog,
"With feats of larger growth.

Of Dogs who merely halfpence snatch

The admiration ceases.
For he grows saucy, sleek, and fat,

By swallowing penny-pieces !

He's practising some other feats,
"Which time will soon reveal ;

One is, to squeeze an Orange flat.
And strip it of its Peel.

The next he'll find a toughish job.

For one so far in years ;
He wants to pull an old House down,

That's now propp'd up by Peers.

I've heard of physic thrown to dogs,

And very much incline
To think it true, for we've a pack

Who only hark and w(h)ine.

The Turnspit of the sad old days

Is vain enough to boast,
Altho' his " occupation's gone,"

He still could rule the roast.

But turnspits now are out of date, —

We all despise the hack,
And in the kitchen of the state

We still prefer a Jack.

WEATHER.

(that
is to say,
beginning

at the
beginning)

I do
prefer

joggiug
along

©nXX

slowly and
cautelously;

D AX

feeling
my way,

as it were,
with

my eye at

6o THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^83^

STANZAS, addressed to Mrs. *****, o/" ****** Terrao
Gat and Mutton Fields.

You ' cat,' that would ' worry a rat !'

You ' cow with the crumpled horn !'
I wish you were s(jueez'd, — and that's ^af, —

For ill-using a ' Maiden forlorn.'

You're as bad as a slave-driver quite,
Altho' you subscrib'd to the tracts ; —

If the linen's wash'd ever so ivhite,
Y'ou always complain of the blacks.

A servant is worthy her Jiire ;

Y^ou pilfer one-fourth of her due,
For tho' she does all you desire,

She only gets ire from you.

A fit she had, one afternoon,
When you set her acleaning the paint ;

And while she was off in a swoon^
Y^'ou said it was only a, feint.

A party you had yesterday, —

No wonder so often she swoons, —
For as soon as the folks went away.

You began to be missing the spoons !

She was cleaning the windows last week

(Such savings are very small gains),
Y'ou scolded her while you could speak,

And told her she didn't take panes.

She cleans all the boots and the shoes ;

When she's done 'em she sits down to cry :
"Warkex's Jet is the blacking you choose ;

But od ^rabbit that Warren ! say I.

For this you can make no excuse : —

Y^ou'd a party at whist t'other day ,
And you scolded away like the deuce,

'Cause the sandwiches dropp'd from the traj^'.

You tell her she dresses too gay

(Y'ou're afraid that she'll cut out your gals),

Y''ou strip lace and ribbons away.

And say she shan't wear such fal-lals.

'Tis in vain her attempting to speak.

For your heart is as hard as a stone ;
But she means to be married next week ;

Then she'll ' do what she likes with her own

i836.]

AUGUST.

, Perhaps the Minister has passed the budget, and given the
Houses leave to trudge it ; — the lawyer folds his brief, with little
grief; — closed are the Halls, against all calls ; — John Doe and
Richard Roe may go ; — the debtor breathes, respited from
mishap ; and Bailiffs, wanting jobs, may keep a Tap.

Season's

Signs.

1 2

Germany

they

rest

their

heads

betwixt

a pair

feather

beds ;

a famous

plan, I

will be

bound,

while

frost &

snow

are on

the

ground,

but

in the

Dog

Days'

raging

heat, I

shouldn't

think it

such a

treat.

©Utj J^attcrs.

BRIGHTON.

Well here, once more, on Brighton's shore,

We're safe arrived at last ;
So, Mister Snip, don't have the hyp,

Nor look so overcast.

We've not been here this many a year ;

So do not look so blue.
But sport your cash, and cut a dash,

As other people do.

There's Mistress Skait, — she wouldn't wait.

But off she tripp'd so gaily :
She struts along amid the throng :

Her husband isn't scaly.

There's Mistress WieJc, and little Dick,
Have come to have a clipping ;

And there's her niece, who's been to Greece,
Is now all over dripping.

And oh, what fun ! there's Martha Gunn
(But no, that gun's gone off),

But only look at that sea-cook
A-sousiug Mrs. Gough.

Well, I declare, there's Mrs. Ware
(She's every where, I think) —
Her spouse, 1 know, is quite her beau,
And never spares the chink.

And, last of all, there's Mr. Ball,

Who promis'd Mrs. B.—
And kindly has redeem' d his pledge, — •

That she should see the sea.

So, Mister Snip, don't have the hyp.

Nor look so monstrous blue ;
But spoi't your cash, and cut a dash,

As other people do.

WEATHEK.

the end of

D X 6 c?

divining

rod,

and

exploring

the mazes

0^4 ^ ^(?

futurity,

with the

heedfulness

of one, who.

knowing
the

weigh tinessj
of the I

62 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

THEATRE HOYAL, ENGLISH UPROAR.— The

-■- Proprietor respectfully announces that, while the cold weather lasts, he
will present each visitor to the Boxes or Pit with a bucket of " thick-ribbed
ICE;" and assures the Public that the temperature of the Theatre is so
comfortably regulated that it is never more than 50 degrees below the
freezing point.

THEATRE ROYAL, DREARY LANE.— This

-■- Evening, their Majesties' Servants will perform

THE MANAGER IN DISTRESS;

To which will be added the serious Extravaganza of

THE HOT CROSS B U N N;

The principal Character by the Manager.

The whole to conclude with
THE DEVIL TO PAY.
On Monday next, Mr. Swing will exhibit his extraordinary performancea
on the Tight Rope. — N.B. On this occasion all persons on the Free List
will be

WANT PLACES.

AS TOADY^ an unmarried Female of an uncertain age.
She is so soft in her disposition as to take any impression ; says yes
or no, just as she is bid ; prefers Cape to Madeira, and dislikes Champagne ;
and has no objection to wash and walk out with the poodles. — N.B. Is very
skilful in backbiting, and would be delighted to assist in the ruin of reputa-
tions. Can have a good character from her last place, which she left in
consequence of the lady mariying her tall Irish footman.

A S DINER-OUT, an Irish Captain on half-pay, who

■^ has at his disposal a plentiful supply of small talk and table wit ; does
the agreeable to perfection ; is a good laugher at stale jokes, and a capital
retailer of new ones ; never falls asleep at the repetition of a dull story, and
always laughs in the right place. He has a variety of other qualifications too

numerous for insertion in an advertisement.

NOTICE is hereby given, that a considerable portion of
Civic Dignity, conjectured to be equal in quantity to a Winchester
Measure, has been lost since the 9th of November, 1834. This zw-valuable
appendage is supposed to have been dropped from the person of an i7Zustrious
Mayor, during certain squabbles which took place in spite of common sense
and common counsel. It is hoped it will be recovered by his successor, and
any information respecting the same may be communicated to a HOBBLER,
at the Mare's Nest in the Poultry.

LOST — by Nobody, in the neighbourhood of Nowheeb,
an article more easily conceived than described, known by the name of
Nothing. The fortunate finder may keep it on paying the expenses of this
Adveiiisoment.

1836.]

SEPTEMBER.

It pleased her joUy Majesty Queen Bess,
Stuffing^ herself, a v^ell-stiif'd goose to bless,
And ever since, in sage affairs of state,
The royal bird does still predominate ; —
So modest merit proves of little use,
Unless at Court you " boo" to ev'ry goose.

Season's

Signs.

Now

farmers

mind

your

geese

and

pigs,

for

Cockney

sports-

men

run their

rigs,

and

when

the

cits

are

taking

aim.

your

poultry

may

mistake

for

game.

and

kill

lame.

®Utr JKattcrs.

WEATHER.

" SHOOTING THE MOON.'

Now, Mrs. Dove, my dearest love,

No longer let us jar ;
Full well you know that cash is low.

And credit's under par.

Short commons are our commo'^ ^ar«

No turtle-do\es are we :
Tbo' once there came such lots of game,

Now folks 7nal:e game of me.

Ah ! what to do I wish I knew.

Or where to run a score !
For all the town I've done so brown,

I can't do any more.

We've had our fill on Mutton Hill;

In Cornhill gain'd our bread;
Dress 'd with an air in fam'd Cloth Fair

In Grub Street well were fed.

We got our sJioes in Leather Lane ;

Our hats in HaitoJi Garden;
We'd quite a catch in Ha'penny Hatch,

And never paid afardeyi.

We've chalked a score on every door

Of publican or sinner ;
And now can't meet a Neioman Street,

To trust us with a dinner.

And, lack-a day ! here's Quarter Day ;

It always comes too soon ;
So we by night must take our flight,

For we must shoot the moon !

matters

* 0 ^ ^ b

whereinto

he is
inquiring,

is fearful of
stumbling.

For look,

what dire

mishaps

do arise

from false
prophe-
cying !

$ b©^
Tlie farmer

8 $

reapeth his
corn, and

8 T?©n 6

64 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^3^

AN EPISTLE

From SIR JOHN NORTH to RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, Gent.

Dear Rig. — Have you read my famous book,

About the wonderful route I took ;

Through frost and snow, how I went so far,

To stare in vain at the polar star,

And how I sought by night and noon

To bag the beams of the arctic moon ;

And how it was far beyond a joke

To think my steam should end in smoke ;

With all the spiteful things I said,

As I knock'd the engine on the head ;

And how I've fill'd up countless pages

With sneers at the " Useful Knowledge" sage*;

And about the land of the Esquimaux,

Where I gave a squeeze to many a squaw ;

But sighed to think that a time must come

To clear them off by " the force of Rum ;''

And how I came to an island blest.

Which foot of man had never press'd,

And grateful to the Spinning Gin-ny,

Tbat lined ny purse with many a guinea,

I straignt\v^y handed down to fame

A Smithfield Booth's immortal name ?

I did such deeds as would make you stare i
'Twere a bore to tell how I kill'd a bear ;
Or how, for want of a better meal,
I seal'd the fate of many a seal.

And have you read that, to crown the whole,
I'm almost sure I found the Pole ;
('Twas twnrling round, on its centre set,
Like an opera dancer's pirouette,)
And though the fog as thick did look
As a certain stupid quarto book,
One night I saw a vision fair,
Of knighthood's honours in the air ;
And how, agog to reach my glory,
I hasten'd home to print my story ;
And how I thought 'twould have been no blame
To have left behind the halt and lame,
Dead weights that, everybody knows.
Are only fit to feed the crows ?
For if, Dear Rig., you'll only look,
All this, and more, is in my book.

The Comet, which has so long been looked for, suddenly made its
appearance here on the 5th inst. between the hours of four and five in the
morning, and the servant maids were pretty particularly astonished when
they arose, to find that its tail had lighted all their fires, and boiled all
their kettles for breakfast. For this piece of service they have christened it
the " tail of love." — America7i Paper.

1836.]

OCTOBER.

The sum of Summer ia cast at last,

And carried to Wiutry season,
And the frighten'd leaves aTe-leaving us fast ;

If they stayed it would be high trees-on.
The sheep, exposed to the rain and drift.

Are left to all sorts of wethers.
And the ragged young birds must male a shift.

Until they can get new feathers.

M Season's
D Sif?ns.

^Utf Jiflattcrs.

JN'ow

heroes

bold

leather

breeches

leap

o'er

five

barred

gates

and

ditches

the

perils

the

field

dare

and

hunt

that

furious

beast

the

hare!

Oh,

courage

rare !

WEATHER.

ST. CRISPIN'S DAY.

AN ECLOGUE.

CORDWAINEEIUS.

Arisb, Coebleeius, cast thy awl away,
The sun is up, aud 'tis Saint Crispin's Dxy.
Leave vulgar snohs to mend plebeian soles,
For you aiid I will jollify, by goles !

COBBLEEIUS.

A seedy poet, lodging next the sky.
Came yesternight, entreating me to try
And mend his understanding by the noon ;
AVhen that is done. I'm yours lor a blue moon.

COEDWAINEEIUS.

Then while you cobble, let us chaunt a stave :
We're " Temp'rance" folks, so let the theme be grave.
Let's sing yon palace to the God of Gin :
Who pipes the best, a pot of malt shall win,

COBBLEEIUS.
I take your challenge— to your plan agree;
Yon Costermouger shall our umpire be.

COSTEEirONGEEIUS.
I'm bottle-holder for a glass of max ;
So clear your pipes, my jolly cocks o' vax.

COEDWAINEEIUS.
"Here, uprightly folks, by spirits turn'd to si)?v7(?5,
Whose ros.y cheeks are chang'd to lifi/ ichites.
Caught in the snares of Gin, rue not their ruin.
But do their best, to do their own undoing !"

COBBLEEIUS.

" Rum customers, who're far more sad thnn fu)iiiy,
Hero get no trust when they have spent their money :
No pay no potion ;— by this rule tliey stick ;
The lighted dial, only, goes on tick."

COEDWAINEEIUS.

"Here, Mothers, by some devilish fiend possesf,
Drive their poor infants from the port of Breast;
And 'stead of mother's milk, whene'er they scream.
Stop their shrill crying with a glass oi cream."

COBBLEEIUS.

" Here compounds dire, which ne'er can cordials be.
Turn seedy fellows into felos de se."—

COSTEEMONGERIUS.

Jusi stow your magging, for you've piped enough.
And, blow me, if 1 ever heard sich stufl' !
Vy, vhat's the hods, I'll be so hold to ax,
'Twixt swilling heavy vet, and swigging max ?
So stow your staves, and as it's chilly veather,
Ve'll mix the max and heavy vet together :
And then, my lads o' leather, you shall see
How cosily the mixture vill agree.

moweth
his grass,

when he

should leave

them

b c? T?

standing ;

a:? 5 n liji i)

the sick man

throweth ofi'

his

warm

clothing, j

6 /"/ 5 n :^

^!^ HI ?

when he

should wrap

himself up

9. K '6- Si

closer ;

? ni*

the

66 THE COMIC ALMAxSACK. [^836,

ANNUAL REGISTER

REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES.

Jan. 13tb. — Three young men on the Serpentine cutting a figure of six, abo»t
nine in the morning of tiveJj'th day, were two careless, though warned be-/o«r, to
weight the reading of the Society's " not-ice,'' so popped into sixteen feet water.
They wei*e speedily helped out of the ic^-well, and resolved to cut away and not
come again.

'21st. — An Omnibus Cad was brought before the Lord Mayor, charged with
having been guilty of civility to a passenger, by neglecting to bang the door against
his stern. In time to throw him on his head. His Lordship said such conduct was
unprecedented ; but as the man, in extenuation, proved that he had cried " go
o/(," while another gentleman was getting off, he thought the case did not call for
interference. The culprit, however, was dismissed by the Paddington committee,
lest his example should contaminate the others.

Feb. 4th. — The following horrible event occurred in a family lately arrived
from India. A female of colour, one of the establishment, was sitting by the fire,
with two of her dark little progeny by her side, when a black footman, remark-
able for his savage disposition, suddenly entered the room, seized one of them in
each hand, hurried to the water cistern, and plunging in the struggling little ones,
held them till life was extinct. In rain the distracted mother implored com-
passion; the bystanders seemed to think there was no law against drowning
kittens.

March 12th. — An elderly gentleman, crossing Fleet Street, was driven f^roj/g^^
by the Perseverance Omnibus. He was carried into the nearest shop, and, after
taking six boxes of Moiison'e pills, felt so little inconrenience that he expressed
his determination to keep the orifice open, so as not to be an obstruction to car-
riages in future.

8th. — On Thursday, died Old Tom, the Leadenhall Market Gander, after having
worthily supported the city dignity for thirty years. The Court of Aldermen
attended his funeral, and his deeds were not forgotten by the City Kemembrancer.
His spirit still haunts the old spot, and nightly takes in his favourite stuffing of
sage and onions, and the poulterers say they always know the ghost when they see
him a-gohblin.

26th. — Mr. Morison was elected principal of Brazen-nose College on presenting
to its library a copy of his treatise on Assurance, with tables of the average termi-
nation of life, as deduced from the last returns of the pills of mortality.

April Ist. — According to annual custom, a considerable number of persona
assembled this morning on Tower Hill to see the Lions washed. It was, however,
officially notified that, the menagerie having been broken up, they could not be
gratified, but that his Majesty, in order to prevent their entire disappointment,
would, for this occasion, substitute the shaving of a Donkey ; with a recommenda-
tion that each individual do perform the ceremony at his own home in future.

11th. — The Hackney Coaches of the Metropolis met at their usual resting time,
which lasts from sixty minutes past twelve on Saturday night till sixty minutes
before one on Sunday morning, and resolved to petition Parliament in favour of
Sir Andrew's Sunday Bill. They complained that though on that day they always
had more fare, they had no more food, for though they were never without the
taste of a hit, they had no leisure to bite ; .and that though the weather might be
ever so fine, for them it was always rein-y. They, however, did not wish to make
exorbitant demands, and would be quite satisfied if Sunday, to others a day of
joy, might be to them a day of " Wo.'' Earl Greg was asked to present the petU
i-on, and signified " yea" by saying " neigh."

1836.] ANNUAL REGISTEE. 67

May 5th. — The attention of the passengers, in Salisbury Square was excited by
observing an inhabitant come out at the attic "window of a house (No. 66), and pass
along the parapet. His next neighbour, with whom he was known to be on bad
terms, soon after appeared on the adjacent roof. They approached each other
with signs of anger, and grappling, engaged in a furious struggle ; — both fell from
the parapet; — fortunately escaping the iron spikes below, and alighting on their
feet, each spit at the other, cried " moll-row,'' and rushed down his own area.

15th. — As Doctor Fillpot was walking in the Zoological Gardens, his Christian
charity was blown into the cage of the Humming birds, and instantly pecked up
by the voracious little animals, who, strange to say, did not seem at all incon-
venienced by the extraordinary meal.

June 3rd. — A nursemaid and three fine children were lost in some cart ruts,
called " The New Promenade," in Regent's Park, and have never been heard of
since.

9th.— At the Annual Meeting of the Proprietors of the Thames Tunnel, the
secretary reported that though the Leeks had all ceased, he was happy to say there
was.no diminution of Salaries; that they had got over all the soft «u<fZ, which
Mas hard ; but they had now to get under a hard rock, which was harder ; that
their money in the stocks was expended in digging stones; and that they had not
reached the opposite Bank, though they had exhausted their Banker; and that, in
all probability, though they might labour to the end, they would never see the
end of their labour ; for however light they might make of it, they were more in the
Clark than ever. The meeting, in great discontent, divided without a dividend ;
and, grunting like hogs, pronounced the Vihole a great bo7r.

July 5th. — The old and young elephants, from the Zoological Gardens, were
brought up at Marylebone office. It appears that during the night they had made
their way 'to the Paddington Canal Bank, had broken open the Locks, and
abstracted all the water, with which they got beastly "drunk on the premises."
Their return home in that state caused suspicion to fall on them, and their apart-
ments being searched, the stolen property was found concealed in their trunks,
together with pawnbrokers' duplicates for the contents of the Grand Junction
reservoir, and the City basin, both of which had suddenly disappeared in a very
mysterious manner, and having been at low water of late, and much run upon,
owing to the dry weather, were supposed to have run away. The culprits showed
their teeth at tlie charge, as hard as ivory, and speechified at length, but a clear
case being established, they offered their jjledges for better behaviour; however,
the worthy magistrate stopped their sj)Oi(ting, and sent them to the treadmill. The
office was crowded by members of the Temperance Society, several of whom offered
to become bail for them.

21st. — At the last Drawing Room, Captain Bodkin had the honour of presenting
Cleopatra's needle to the Queen. Her Majesty was pleased to send to Cable
Street for a hundred yards of Wopping Thread, and in the evening one of the
maids of honour used it, by Her Majesty's desire, to work a button-hole of a new
shirt for Mister O'Killus in the park.

August 4th.— On Sunday, the 2Dd, Lord H. visited the Bear-pit in the Zoo-
logical Gardens, and leaning too far over the wall, fell among the interesting
animals, who were so alarmed at the sight that they were seized with convulsions,
and have been in a nervous state ever since.

I7ih. — An old woman was charged with selling apples on a Sunday morning.
She was too poor to keep a shop, so was committed to the Counter. It appeared
that her basket obstructed the people in their way to the Gravesend Sunday
boats.

26th. — A steam-boat party going down the river for a Marine Gala, were caught
in a gale. The Catastrophe happened ofl' the Isle of Dogs, and the hurricane
setting in during a Quadrille, they tried in vain to stand firm, for partners were
driven "right and left;" the "Ladies' chain" was broken off in the middle, and
" The Lancers" totally put to the rout. The chimney /eZZ in the midst of a cadence,
aiid the mast was shivered during a shake, but the musicians were all ruined, for
their instruments were blown beyond Fidlers' reach.

F 2

68 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1836.

Sept. 1st. — The Duke of Nemours, with his suite, rode through Coventry Street,
when the figure of J"'ieschi. became visibly agitated, and attempted to discharge
the Infernal Machine at him. Nothing but its being a sham, and not loaded,
saved the Duke from the fate intended for his father.

5th. — The Ladies' Brazen Monument to the Duke of Wellington, having been
smoked a good deal of late, its noble proprietresses determined on giving it an
autumnal washing before the fall of the leaf. For this purpose, the (Holy)
Alliance Company lent their engine, a fiery Marquess played the pipe, and a com-
mittee of Countesses worked the pumps. The figure was then invested in a new
shirt, presented by Her Majesty, against the cold weather.

20th. — A sailing party from Margate, finding themselves near ?7rn bay, resolved
to drink tea. Mrs. Bullion, of Cheapside, one of the company, proposed music iu
the air, and, being inspired by the water, volunteered " The Land ;" but, in getting
up to C above, she overreached herself, and fell into the sea below. At first, Mr.
Bullion feared she would prove dead stock on his hands, but he soon saw she was
floating, capital ; so he bargained with some dredgeis to give her an hoister on board
again. The natives were greatly alarmed at the occurrence.

Oct. 3rd. — Mrs. Belasco delivered her concluding Lecture on morality, with
illustrations, in the Saloon of the Haymarket Theatre,

7th. — The Penitentiary at- Millbank was partly destroyed by fire ; luckily the
flames were extinguished, without making an auto-da-fe of the fair penitents,
many of whom were insured by destiny from that sort of untimely end. The
treadmill was unfortunately burnt, to the great inconvenience of several industrious
persons who were practising on it, to qualify themselves for places of service where
there was a good deal of running upstairs.

12th. — The paupers of Gripeham workhouse having been, under the new law,
deprived of their tobacco, deputed one old woman, as the organ of the rest, to
demand a restoration of their pipes. The overseers withstood her^re, and refused
her smoke ; however, at the suggestion of one of their body who had learned Latin,
they consented to allow her a " Quid pro quo."

Nov. 15th. — The Society for the Protection of Animals held its yearly meeting.
The report stated, that in Billingsgate their efforts had met with great success.
In the following meritorious cases the large silver medal was awarded : — To Diana
Finn, for cracking the necks of a pound of eels before she skinned them ; to Simon
Soft, for boiling his lobsters in cold water ; to Ephraim Hacket, for crimping cod
with a blunted knife ; and to Felix Flat, for refusing to open live oysters. In
other quarters humanity was also progressing, and prizes were given to Hans
Lever, for drubbing a donkey with the thin end of his cudgel, at the request of an
officer of this Society ; and to Nicodemus Nacks, for consenting to keep a plaster
on his pony's raw, except on pleasure parties, and other occasions requiring extra
persuasion. The thanks of the Society were voted to Daniel Dozer, Esq., of New
River Head, for using dead worms as a bait : and the gold medal to the same gen-
tleman, for his practice of angling without hooking the fish. A premium was also
offered by the Society for some preparation of ox(h)ide of iron, which shall enable
a bullock's back to resist a whacking.

Dec. 7th. — Sir Harcourt Lees was frightened into fits by O'Connell's ghost,
Avhich appeared in the shape of a moving Mass, with cloven feet, a long tail, and
the Pope's eye in the middle of his forehead.

18th. — During the exhibition of the gas microscope, the water tigers, irritated
by the intense blaze of light to which they were exposed, after several tremendous
efforts to escape, broke from their confijiement, and sprang among the spectators.
Three young ladies from a boarding school were instantly devoured. The ferocious
animals next turned their attention to the governess and an old teacher, who,
proving rather tough, afforded time for their keeper to secure them, which he did
by re-absorbing them in a drop of water on the point of a needle.

1836.]

NOVEMBER.

When good Sir John has carried his bill,
No dread of Term shall the poet fill,
The Scholar shall write, and fear no writj
No White Cross bars shall bar his wit,
The Fleet, unmanned, no more alarm,
The King^s Bench be but an empty Form.

M I Season's
D Sigrns.

Murky

burky

damp

and

drear

see

this

gloomy

month

appear

London

fill'd

with

slush

and fog

looks

just

like an

Irish

bog

every

trouble

now

seems

double

and the

worst

in all

the

year.

aw JiJtattcrs.

LOED MAYOR'S SHOW.

I SING of a jolly day,

A civical holiday ;

Some call a folly day :

Weather is fop:gified ;

Mechanics get groggified,

Citizens hoggified :

The rain it is drizzling,

Mizzling, frizzling ;

Streets are all slippery ;

Girls sport their frippery :

Sweethearts are squeezing 'em.

Pleasing 'em, — teazing 'em.

Eabble are bawling, O !

Women are squalling, 0 !

Banners are waving.

Policemen are staving

On heads misbehaving :

Ward beadles bustling.

Pickpockets hustling;

People tip-toeing it :

Swell mob are going it.

Making sly snatches

At brooches and watches.

Horses are neighing,

Urchins huzzaing;

Trumpets are braying;

Trombones are grumbling.

Bassoons are rumbling.

Clarinets speaking,

Piccoloes squeaking.
See, there goes the armour man ;
Ne'er was a calmer man ;
Sitting inside the mail, he
Looks a little bit paly.
And hark ! what a drumming !
The Lord Mayor is coming;
And here are the Aldermen,
There's very few balder men;
And there march the Livery,
Looking quite shivery;
In and out straggling,
Thro' the mud draggling.
I'm sure the poor sinners
Must long for their dinners.
Well, now the fun's over
They'll fatten in clover;
And afterwards drink on it.
So, what do you think on it ?
Don't it shew quite effectual
The March Intellectual ?

WEATHER.

stage-coach
traveller

%^8 u $
journeyeth

outside
the vehicle ;

DllA ,?

when
he should

snugly

ensconce

himself

within ;

with divers
and sundry

n ^ ^ Tiji

such-like

sad
mischances

70 THE COMIC ALMANACK., [1836.

Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British
Uluminati, at tlieir Annual Meeting, lield in Dublin,
August, 1835.

Dr. lIoAxuM read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams
into substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had
recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies, whose
prospectuses he laid upon the table.

Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers
were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir John
North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto volume
and a cheesemonger's shop ; and solved a curious question as to the decimal
proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the rule of allega-
tion, would produce a product of 10,600L

Professor Von Hammer described his newly- discovered process for breaking
stones by an algebraic fraction.

Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Eook, He de-
fended their caivn with great effect, and proved that there is not a grain
of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from Gi'uh Street
malice.

The Rev. Mr. G roper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered
alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its auto-
biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly broken into,
being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time alone. Some
extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly interesting. Its
thoughts on the " silent system" of prison discipline, though written in the
dark, strictly agreed with those of our most enlightened political economists.

Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydixo-gln, which
greatly interested those of the association who were members of Temperance
Societies.

I\Ir. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society, on
the construction 0? frog-stools.

Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly articu-
lated the words " Bepcde ! BepaleP' to the great delight of many of the
audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on another,
for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already say, " My
Lords and Gentlemen ;'' and he doubted not, by the next meeting' of Par-
liament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening speech.

Mr._ Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his exaggerating
machine.^ He disj)layed its amazing powers on the mathematical point,
which, with little trouble, was made to appear as large as a coach-wheel.
IIe_ demonstrated its utility in all the relations of society, as apphed to the
failings of the absent — the growth of a tale of scandal— the exploits of
travellers, &c. &c.

The Author -of the "Pleasures of Hope" presented, through a member, a
very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the throttling of crying
children J but as the ladies would not leave the room, it could not be read.

Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a small
bottte which, he asserted, contained scintillations of the Aurora Borealis,
from which, he stated, he had succeeded in extracting pure gold. He
announced that his nephew was preparing for a course of similar experiments,
of which he expected to know the result in October. The gallant Captain
then favoured the company with a dissertation on phrenology, of which, he
said, he had been a believer for thirty years. He stated that he had made

1836.]

THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN. ^I

many valuable veiifications of that science on the skulls of the Esquimaux;
and that, in his recent toui' in quest of subscribers to his book, his great
success had been mainly attributable to his phrenological skill ; for that,
whenever he had an opportunity of feeling for soft places in the heads of the
public, he knew in a moment whether he should get a customer or not. lie
said that whether in the examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads — in the
choice of horses or housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent
utility. He related the following remarkable phrenological cases : — A man
and woman were executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence ;
but another criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day
after the execution. The whole country was horrified ; but Captain North
liaving examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of
their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for they
must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their infant
child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on its head the
same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil ; for which purpose, by
means of a pair of moulds, lie so compressed the skull in its vicious pro-
pensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that the child grew up a model
of perfection. The second instance was of a married couple, whose lives
were a continued scene of discord till they parted. On examining their
neads scientifically, he discovered the elementary causes of their unhappiness.
Their skulls were unfortunately too thick to be treated as in the foregoing
case ; but, causing both their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing clown
in some places, and laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all
the requisite phrenological developments, and they were then living, a perfect
pattern of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened
without phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applauses
from the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly
excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the
subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such eagerness
that the meeting dissolved in confusion.)

THE NOTOEIOUS UNKNOWN.

" Oh, no ! we never mention HER, HER name is never heard j"
And how the deuce to find it out, I knew not, on my woi-d.
Hut tho' I could not tell HER name, HER face I'd often seen,
" She stood among the glitt'ring throng," with Jacky in the green.

A ladle in one hand she bore, a salt-box in the other ;
And of the Sooty Cupid.s near, she seemed the teeming mother.
" I met HER at the Fancy Fair," with Fancy lads around her,
And with a blow she laid one low, as flat as any flounder.

" I saw HER at the Beulah Spa," along with Gipsey Joe,

A-rlding on a donkey rough, vitch, somehow, vouldn't go.

I saw HER ply her sybil art, and pick up cash like fun,

For heads and tails she gave them hearts, and pleasur'd every one.

" I saw HER at the Masquerade," along with Nimming Ned,
Achieve those feats, where fingers light work nimbler than the head.
I saw HER too at All-Max once (not Almack's in the west),
*"Twa3 in a crowd," — her voice was loud : I mustn't tell the rest.

I saw HER at tho " Central Court," (it gave me quite a shock,)
Surrounded by her body guard, she stood within the dock.
And then I heard a little man with solemn voice proclaim,
('Twas rue to me, and wormwood too), that Alias was her name 1

IJ2 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^-^3^.

THE FIVE BELLES.

"My own blue belle, my pretty blue belle,"
How deeply In love with thee I fell !
And graciously you rcceiv'd my suit,
While digging away at a Hebrew root :
But ah ! you us'd me wondrous shabby.
To turn me off for a Jewish llabbi.

My next fair belle was a lively dame;

But I found if I dar'd to advance my claim.

And ventur'd to marry the lovely Hel,

I should take to my arms the Dragon as well.

For such an event I was too old a stager,

So I yielded her up to a triple Bob Major.

Now belle the third was a charming belle,
"Who many a tale of love could tell;
But just as I thought that " constancy
Was only another name for she,"
Away she ran with an Irish fellow,
And basely proved a horrida Bella.

The belle my fancy next did choose
Stood six feet high in her low-heel'd shoes ;
But when I took courage my tale to tell,
My Belle Sauvage prov'd a savage belle.
I didn't much mind her being a strapper,
But I couldn't endure her terrible clapper.

But belle the fifth was the belle for me ;
I was charm'd by her sweet taciturnity.
To ring this belle I a wish possess'd,
But dumb bells always open the chest,
AVhich made me fear she'd get to the till.
And so, alas ! I'm a bachelor still.

^bbcvtisemcnts '^xtrnovtiinary.
'I^HE INDUSTRIOUS FLEAS will continue to per-

J- form tlieir operations in every part of the British dominions, most
especially during the Summer months, to the infinite delight and satisfaction
of millions of his Majesty's subjects, many thousands of whom have expressed
themselves quite tickled with their ingenuity.

ME. PUFF respectfully announces that he is authorized
to state, that he has received instructions to declare, that he will
submit to public competition the whole of the superb and genuine HOUSE-
HOLD FUKNITURE and EFFECTS of the late Simon Squander, Esq.,
deceased : comprising, among other valuables, a capital cast-iron library,
containing upwards of 5000 wooden volumes, bound in calf, and 500 illegible
manuscripts beautifully printed ; an excellent self-willed never acting
pianoforte ; a superb suite of wrought iron window curtains ; four splendid
cobweb carpets ; an invisible sofa ; two capital India-rubber mirrors ; a large
stock of flint table and bed-linen ; straw fenders and fire irons ; leather
looking-glasses; a set of calico dining tables, with chairs en suite ; about
10,000 ounces of pewter plate ; and an excellent paper clock, wan-anted not
to go. The whole will be sold by auction, without reserve, on the First of
April next. Catalogues to be had of the Auctioneer.

Most Eemarkakle Fact ! — There are now living at Manchester, six
persons, whose united ages reach the enormous amount of one hundred and
twenty years ! And, strange to say, they are all in full possession of their
ordinarv faculties !

1836.]

DECEMBEK.

Holiday joys have some alloys, —
For many they're bitter pills,

When all the dearest ducks come home
From school, with their long hills^

And the noisy waits at midnight chime,

Convince you it is WaTcation time.

M
D

Season's
Sigus.

The

season's

signs
this

month

greatly

8
9

vary
in

manner

too

that's

most

extr'or-

15
16

dinary :
if you

are

rich

19
20

why
then

you're

warm

and

24
25

jolly.

but if

you're
poor,—

cold

29
30

hungry
melan-

choly.

©W i^attcrs.

WEATHER.

"BOXIANA."

I HATE the very name of box ;

It fills me full of fears:
It 'minds me of the woes I've felt

Since I was young in years.

They sent me to a Yorkshire school,
Where I had many knocks ;

For there my schoolmates box'd my ears.
Because I couldn't box,

I pack'd my box ; I pick'd the locks ;

And ran away to sea;
And very soon I learnt to box

The compass merrily.

I came ashore— I call'd a coach,

And mounted on the box ;
The coach upset against a post.

And gave me dreadful knocks.

I soon got well ; in love I fell,
And married Martha Cox ;

To please her will, at fam'd JBox Hill,
1 took a country box.

I had a pretty garden there,

All border'd round with box;

But ah, alas ! there liv'd, next door,
A certain Captain Knox.

He took my wife to see the play; —

They had a private box ;
I jealous grew, and from that day

I hated Captain Knox.

I sold my house— I left my wife ;—

And went to Lawyer Fox,
Who tempted me to seek redress

All from a jury box.

I went to law, whose greedy maw
Soon emptied my strong box ;

I lost my suit, and cash to boot,
All thro' that crafty Fox.

The name of box I therefore dread,

I've had so many shocks ;
They'll never end,— for when I'm dead

They'll nail me in a box.

Now

would it not

be better

* T? K 0 1?
than such

6h $

weather
wisdom
as this,

D ?mn 8

that I should

arrive

at the end

of my tether

without

having

prophecied

(9? D ^

any thing at

all about
the matter ?

$ t T?nyf

^4 THE COMIC ALMANACK. L^^3^*

FINALE.

My task is done ! but, ere I " drown my book,"
And " break my staft'," I'H take a parting look.

If I have made a fool, in sportive fit,
A lapstone meet, whereon to shape my wit,
So gently have I used him, that, with care,
He'll serve my purpose for another year :
As old Majendie skinned the Italian hound.
And time too short for demonstration found,
Then told his pupils, if they managed right,
They'd keep the dog alive another night.

Of embryo asses I've a pretty store.
Who crave a flaying in a twelvemonth more ;
Subjects of every colour and complexion,
Contending for the honour of dissection ;
While some there are, who, blest in their condition,
AVould waive the honours of my exhibition.
As bashfid Bishops, at an ordination,
Cry " AWo," to the gentle invitation :
And some, the only merit of whose life
Will be, their forming victims for my knife.

Now, John, — not Sir John Eoss — I mean John Bui
Thou silly, soft, good-natured, guileless gull !
Why wilt thou let each knave enrich his nest
With treasures pilfered from thy downy breast ?
Pill-bolting glutton of all sorts of trash !
In jest or earnest needing still the lash.
Thy cure (no sinecure) will keep, I fear,
My rod in pickle foe another year.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For 1 837.

JANUARY.

[1837-

Now folks trudge on witli muffled faces,
To meet Dan Winter's cold embraces ;
But he has not the freezing air,
That upstart, purse-proud worldlings wear.

Now mischief-making- urchins plan,
With glassy slide, the fall of man ;
But Summer friends, with AVint'ry looks,
Are slipp'rier far than icy brooks.

Curayoa taken (rather too freely).

The Sandvnch Islands discovered by a Coolc.

Let shame and foul disgrace betide the enervated land, which
Forsakes old English suppers for that make-believe, a Sandwich.

Dividends due. Very Consoling, but " Take care of your pockets I

Twelfth Day. Hilaritij Term ends.

e>vcat lEbents anlf ©Utf J^attcis.

Froffnosiijlcations.

General Election.

Cayenne taken by as-salt, 1809. Enemy well jyepperecl

Toicer Hamlets voters soak their Clay, and tote
for Lushington. — Lam'i elh ditto give three
Lips /or Hawes, and huzza.'

FROZE-OUT GARDENERS.

Poor half-starv'd, froze-out Gardeners, good gentlefolk, v.'e be-
Hard lines for us, my masters all, as ever you did see ;
We sits among the trenches in a shake and in a shiver.
And our poor little babbies are without a bit of kiver;
Like snails among the cabbages, they curls themselves around,
Or, like the little caterpillars, grubbing on the ground.
We wanders home and dreads to hear of some mishap or other.
And scarcely dares to ax the pretty darlings "how's your mother?"

Lord Bacon born. (Query, The Fry-er.)

She sold her ntangle long ago, — 'twere better far nor prigging ;

For we only turns up spades whene'er we tries our hands at digging.

Without some rain 'tis all in vain. Alack ! our hearts is breaking.

And surely we should break our teeth if we should go a-raking :

So, night and day, we ever pray the frost it may be going.

No more they'll let us oice, unless we gets a little hoeing:

The parish board don't heed our word ; but, looking black or blue.

They reads the Hact o' Parliament, and then cries—" Who are you .»"

So help the froze-out Gardeners, kind masters every one.

For while you're sporting on the iw, tcc're starving till it's gone.

Lecture on Heads at Whitehall. Price, a croicn.

Ben Jonson born. " Shikspur— who wrote Shikspur ?"

Touching
tlie Stars,

b©6 n

(That
is to say,

with a

figurative

tangibility,

seeing they
are out of
our reach)

$ h

I do opine,

that

whereas,

ni b 6 ?

according
to Hamlet,

there are
more things

heaven and

earth

837-] CHRISTMAS BILLS. 7?

CHEISTMAS BILLS.
{Mrs. Figgins logiutur.)

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

Here's a bundle of " little accounts :"
And their bearers left word they'd be glad

If you'd settle their little amounts.
They've all got " large sums" to " make up,"

And cannot wait longer, they swear :
So I wish you the joys of the season —

Meny Christmas and happy New Year !

Here's the doctor's — a horrid long bill —

And he vows he's as badly as you ;
For his patients wont pay him a groat,

And he's dying of Tich Doloreux.
But he says he's consulted a friend,

A lawyer that lives very near :
Sol wish you the joys of the season —

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

The surgeon's is not a whit less :

At its items I really shiver'd :
A hundred for Sally's confinement ;

A hundred to " Bill delivered."
A hundred for mixtures and pills

(I think it's uncommonly dear) :
But I wish you the joys of the season —

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

The baker has brought you a roll

Which will take you a month to digest :
He looks most uncommonly crusty,

And says that, of all trades, he's blest
If a baker's is not the most hieady ;

And hints at John Dough ; and I fear-
But I wish you the joys of the season,

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

The poult'rer his " Game Bill" has brou(|ht :

This year's — and last year's in addition,
Twelve guineas for Black-cock alone,

Which I think is a grouse imposition.
Ten guineas for pheasants and hares !

And he charges his ven'son as deer.
But I wish you the joys of the season —

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

78 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1S37.

Here's your butcher — the city M.P. —

Begs to " ax leave to bring in his hill.^'
It takes up six folio pages :

Good heavens ! it's as long as a will.
He says times are quite out oi joint ;

And he innst have the cash ; so, my dear,
I wish you the joys of the season —

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

Your grocer abuses you grossly,

Your hatter, and tailor surtout ;
Your saddler's been going on sadly,

And your green-grocer looks very blue.
The brewer is down in the hall,

And wont stir till he's paid for his beer ;
Sol wish you the joys of the season —

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

Then there's my little bill of two hundred

For laces and trimmings — but laws !
You wont gnidge your poor rib a few ribbons ;

Will you, duck ? — and ten guineas for gauze.
And a hundred for bonnets and hats.

And my last di'mond set — such a dear ! —
Kiss me, love ! Oh ! the joys of the season !

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

And the ponies — my pet little Grey,

And Miss Slimlegs, and Giraffe, and Beauty :
(But you know, love, they're all under size,

And so don't pay a farthing of duty ;)
The coach-hacks, hid two hundred pounds :

(We don't drive our own tits — tliafs dear :)
Sol wish you the joys of the season —

Merry Christmas and happy New Year !

And, oh dear ! here's a note from your steward i

He says your estate he's been round,
And examined your books and your papers ;

And you can't pay a crown in the pound.
There's writs out against you by scores;

You're surrounded by tipstaves and bums ;
So I wish you, my love, a good Christmas !

A.nd a happy New Year — when it comes !

i837

FEBEUARY.

No more the farmer's dame shall rue
The slaughter of her poultry crew ;
Compell'd, this month, to sign a truce
With turkey, donkey, pig, and goose,
The Cockney Sportsman grounds his arms,
And dicky birds are free from harms ;
Percussion guns become a jest,
Put on their caps, and go to rest.

1
2
3

4
5
6

7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21

!o9

1 24
25
26

27
28

CBircat lEUcnts anU ©trU J^attcrs.

Prognostifications,

New River begun, 1608. Drunk nt a Temperance meeting, 1836.

Candle^iiKS, Bay. Some darh affair now brought to light
Blaise. "Farmers, look to your ricks !'' — Swing.
A fair warms the bosom of Old Father Thames, 1814.

ShkoveTues. Agreat-Fr?/-day. Mrs.FRYpaM-egyrised,

Sir Jeffery Dunstan. " No real knight."

1 Sunday in Lent. Corporal punishment promoted

[by General Fast.

Valentine. All Fools' Day.

VALENTINE TO MISS MARTINEAU.

" Come, live with me, and be my love,"

And we to all the world will prove

" That hill and valley, grove and field"

Are waste, if Nature's stores they yield ;

While rustic joys and simple swains

Are nought compared to rich men's gains.

We'll demonstrate, to please the Tabbies,

That none but boobies will have babbies.

And dose and diet all the nation,

To check the growing population.

Our virgin thoughts, as pure as " vargis,"

Will ne'er increase the public charges;

So cease in frowns thy face to deck.

Thy mind's the best prevenlive check.

^^^^^"K '^%

Hare -hunting ends. Cats'-skins rise.

than
(? ? A ^

are dreamt
of in our

philosophy,

? *^

so are

there other

aspects,

besides

sideral

OMes,

that do

marvellously

influence

and afiect
us.
« S^ ?
The con-
figurations
of the con-
stellations

?¥* 5
do not

So THE COMIC ALMANACKv [l^37.

VALENTINE'S DAY.

Oh! love, love, love, love, love, love, love !

What plaguy work you make !
From New Year's day to New Year's day

No rest you seem to take.

And yet you're but a little chap :

To me it seems most odd,
That folks should truckle thus to thee,

Thou Semi-Demi- God !

The day of all the livelong year
That you most brightly shine,

Is February's fourteenth day.
Illustrious Yalentine.

Oh ! then what breaking of young hearts !

What fits ! what swoons ! what cries \
And sobs of ev'ry kind and sort,

And siglis of ev'ry size I

No day makes such a stir as this :
(Not even the king's natal :)

Of all the fetes, O Yalentine !
Thj fete is the m.ost fatal.

All other /eas^s are sinking /«sf.
But yours shaU ne'er decline :

And oh ! among read letter days.

What day can match with thine ?

All now to Love their homage pay :
From him that guides the plough.

To him that guides the state ; — the king
Himself's a court-ier now.

Love leads poor mortals such a dance

O'er hill and over plain,
The world seems like one vast quadrille

The figure, Ladies' chain.

In fact, 'tis Nature's grand Court day.
When high and low you meet ;

The noble vnih his am'rous train ;
The beggar with his suite.

t837-] valentine's daY.

There's not a trade or mystery,
But love finds means to bind :

The very blacksmith at his forge
Feels hammer-oushj inclined.

Jack Ketch himself from Cupid's noose
By no means feels secure.

The butcher — heretofore so hard —
Feels in his heart a skewer.

The miser (harder far than both)
]S'ow opens with avidity

His chest — his heart, I meant to say : —
For Cujpid, cuts Cu;pidity.

The beasts are just in the same pliglit;

The horse, the ass, the steer :
The lion's found his " own true love ;"

The stag has got his deer.

The little mouse, tho' small he be,
Courts after his own fashion :

The very mite's obliged to own
That love's a mite-y passion.

The very birds are caught : the crow
In amorous despondence.

His carrion leaves, to carry on
A tender correspondence.

And while Miss Grace invites her beau
With her at eve to wander,

The goose, whose quill she gently wields.
Is gone to meet her gander.

Since birds and beasts don't die for love,
T'were sillier than a goose,

Because I can't tie Hymen's Jcnof,
To dangle in a noose.

Fresh bonds I'll seek, tho' I should roam
From England to Owhyee :

And for my death (fixed for to-day)
Postpone it sine die.

MARCH.

Come, tell me what's Makcii like? A bully, I trow.
Who runs up, and blinds you by giving a blow ;
Or a saucy Drill Serjeant, with swaggering airs.
Who the rustic recruit by his blustering scares ; —
Or a Serjeant-oi-Zaw, who so craftily trie?,
In a tempest of words, to throw dust in your eyes.

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21
22
23
24
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26
27
28
29
30
31

Gxtat lEbcnis antr <©titi i^aticrs.

FtognostificaUoHH.

St. David's Day. Prince of WhaUs caught at the Nore, where
. r> •; '^^'^ springs a leak.

Death of IjOiI-CCIU. Kitchen maids go into mouniing.

OPENING OF PARLIAMENT.

The tables of both Houses groan with Petitions from all classes
of His Majesty's subjects. Among the most important will be
found the prayer of the half-starved Hacks to be exported to Ota-
heite ; the petition of the hoys against the truck system ; the
appeal of the Cats to the King for an asylum, in Xn/5-land, from
the suit of the Skinners' Company; the petition of the Ihicki to
be presented by Mr. roultit; for the discontinuance of Bean
Feasts, to be supporte by Mr. Pease ; the memorial of the Hogs
against breakfast bacon, and offering to prove it all gammon; the
humble prayer of the Whitebait of Blackwall to be excused at-
tendance at the Cabinet Ministers' dinners ; ditto from Mr. Place
(it is supposed neither will be dispensed with) ; the memorial of
the men of genius as to the foundation of a college for the culti-
vation of the Muses among the Hnjipy-nine mountains, and the pe-
tition of the Royal Society of Beggars for leave to hold their court
in the ruins of JiO(7-land Castle.

Isaac Walton died.

EPITAPH.

Rejoice, ye little fishes all !

Ye tickle-bats and minnows I
A human pike without a sole,

Has left this world of sinners.
Ye gentle gentils, grieve no more 1

Your pangs perhaps he feels;
For now a greedier pike, grim Death,

Has laid him by the heels.

Canno?i-izaHon of Antwerp, 1832.
Captain Parry among the Esquimaux.

Easter Monday. Epping Hunt.

[stolen.
Grtat Seal

^^J^^

commotions

and con-
sternations

to Great
Britain,

¥esn 5

than do

divers other

aspects

denote

sundry

mishaps

and

mischances

*<? ? T

to Little

Britain ;

and if

the lord of
the Sixth
House,
n 5K T? $
among
the constel-
lations,
^^

t837-] 83

THOMAS GARDENER TO SALLY COOK.

" I TAK up my pen with much pleasure to inform yew tliat i hav
bean quiet Mizzerabl ewer sins i left my plase. Evvery think has
gon rong from that day to this, i hav ad no Turnups to speck of in
my gardn & no Peas in my mind, i offen think of the appy clays
we ust to spend, partickly our Soft tewsdys wen yew ust to tos us
up them nice apel friters wile the rest of the sirvents was obleigt to
put up with nothink but plane pan oaks without nayther a]3els nor
sugger. O saly ! i oflfen sets & thinks that luv is jest like a friing
pan & won's art like a pan oak frizzling in the midl on it.

" Ive newer repentid leveing but oust and thats ewer sins. But
i wasent agoin to stand bean dun out of my perquizzits by masters
pertending he ad a rites to cum into the gardn wcnnever he likt &
get my peeches & necktrings, jest becaws it was hisn, and giv away
my Cabidges and Lettises without so much as with your Leaf or by
your Leaf, to say nothink about the rumpus he maid about them 2
or 3 graps & acusing me of Boneing the Bone mannure, & wors then
al, eaping them 2 tun of coles on my hed wich i no moor stole em
then yew did saly, & after turning me away on account of the Coles
wanting to Cokes me bak agen.

" Deer saly, my place hear is verry cumfuttabl, but i am verry
uncumfuttabl in it on acount of my Bean in sich a tendar pashuu
with Yew. 0 lav, luv ! i am grew as thin as a lath and hav found
out wot it is not to hav cuk for a swete hart. Our under ous made
is verry fond on me but wats the use of ous mades, won carnt heat
brumes and skrubbin brushs. O saly saly ! yew wood ardly no me
i am as week as a kittin, i can scace audi my Spade & its all Hoeing
to yew. i set ours & ours in the forsing ous doing nothink but
thinking of yewr perty face, & i ofFen think ow appy we mite bo
with yewr 2 underd pound as yewr Grand muther left yew, & yewr
50 pound in the saveing bank, & my 5 pound as Jorge Hawl the
squir's futman as is gone away ows me. We mite take a Publik ous,
the Pig & wissle for instants, & get a gud bisnes & be as appy as
the day is lung. Saly luv wat do yew say to me, let me no your
mind, but rimmember wat i sed about the Publik is strickly Privet.

" Deer saly, i carnt abuse my noo mastr & missus, at least not
at pressent, they are uncomon kind to me & so is al the fammaly.
The 2 former blungs to a Linean sowsiaty & to ear em tawk aboat
Bottany is rely quite Transporting. We ad the annywal sho the uther

Q 2

84 Tilt: COMIC almanack. [^ 837-

day wicli is ciinducktid in the most aprovd manor nameiy giving
prises to al tlie snpskribers, vnch givs gennaral sattisfaxion and
advarnses siance. It tnk place in the town all on wensdy last for
Pinks Dailys and settera, on wich okashun master was brote in
Furst mnle, & missus Furst fireball, & i beg to anounce in the
veggytibl line i was juged to be the Bigest cabbige head out of 40.
The sowsiaty has dun a gud deal of gud hear abouts in regard of
kichin gardn stuf, namely redishs so larg as not to be told from
carots, & peas like Led bulits, boath^^ich is nothink in cumparryson
of their turnups vnch. they hav at last suck seeded in growin em so
big & ollow as is gud for nothink but litle bys to make Jack a
lantans off. The sowsiaty increses annywaly evry ear, & oposishun
is got to sich a hite as yew woodent bleav. The uther day 1 poor
felow, Bean bete in his Carrots, axualy went ome & cut his Carrotid
hartary. Annother grate advarntidge is the onnerrery members
dining togather after the sho & eting up al the Best frute, by wich
in Coarse they no wear to siply to annother time wen they want
anny. The rest is sold to pay xpent..?s. Allso it is a verry gud
thing for the markit gardners, anny 1 of woom by paying 2 shilin
entrants & sending in a 5 shilin baskit c5 veggytibles stands a
charnse of wining a ^ crown prise.

"For my own part i am Bcuming quite bottf nnycle & no the
lattin to eviythink. It wood sirprize my old butty James to ear me
nocking the ard words about. Tel him with my best cumplymenta
he nose nothink. For instants Tel him a rose isent no sich thing
but only a PoUyandrew, allso by the same rule a Merrygold is
nuthink but a Merryandrew, and sow on of the rest. But studdi-
ing Bottany doant Leav 1 much time for wurking in the gardn, & i
am soiy to say my things is luking verry bad, partickly my Dailys
wich is groan quite Weekly, and my Melons cutting a verry Melon-
koly apearance.

" Owewer i must cum to an end, so deer saly rimmember my
cumplements to Jon butler, & Tummas futman, & Robbart cochman,
& Deer saly doant Forget yourself. And saly, doant hav nothink to
say to your noo Gardner, for betwene yew & me, as yew ust to say
of cuks, gardners is no grate shaks. So doant newer luv nobdy
but Me for deer saly my luv for yew is Hardy Peranual. So gud
Boy my deer Gal

" from your hafectionet

" TUMMAS HOLLYOKE."

APRIL.

Hail, shopping- ! dear delicious pain !
Can April sJioirers control thy reign?
Or check the pace of slippery feet.
Up Ludgate Hill or Regent Street :
Ah, me ! what bliss to have a Avife
So boldly dare the weather's strife !
Careful alike, — or something worse, —
Of drag-gled clothes and husband's purse.

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21
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24
25
26
27
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30

Great HEbcnts antJ (Dtrti Jilattcrs.

ScipientlCt. Cockneys commence angling for rcd-licrrinp;s.

Low Sunday. Vide AVhitechapel, Primrose Hill, and St. Giles's.

Solon born. Judge Patteson retires from the bench to take the
[chair of the British College of Health. Old Lady Day-

THE WONDERFUL PILL,

MORRISON

And Co.
Undertakers.

rUNEHALS
FUENISHED,

Corpse included.

Take gamboge, as you find it, for better or worse,
.\nd aloes, — the strongest, — a drug for a horse ;
A few peppermint drops, a few turns of a mill.
And you get the contents of the 'Wonderful Pill.
Take the head of a monkey, be-whisker'd & frizzl'd,
The eyes of a tiger, be- Jemon'd and deviU'd ;
Add a magpie, a fox, and a vulture in one.
And a heart with less blood than a pillar of stone :—
Take of folly, stupidity, weakness— enough : —
Of credulity, ignorance, fear— quantum suflf: —
These ingredients, combin'dwith discernment &skil
Give ths knave and the dupe of the Wonderful pill.

Frognostijicalioris.

Mutiny at Spii-hesid. Cooks strike for wages.

Solomon's b. d. kepf. Honible plot to burn the City
of London, and murder all the inhabitants, frus-
trated by " Atkins, Mayor." A.D. 1817.

'Twas enough to create a confusion and pother.
For the nest of one Mayor to be found by another.

[but gets nothing but diaff.

Thrashing commences in London. Macready thrashes Bunn,
Roguesiiion S. A pickpocket ducked about this time.

becoming

Lord of the

Ascendant,

9^6^ ^

doth

betoken

civil

comm tions

in Great

France,

>!<?

so, in like

manner,

T^ $ I? ^

doth the

ascendancy

0)6 $ D

of the

Lady of tlie

Seventh

House,

augur
divers

uncivil

commotions

amono;

86 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1S37.

THE DERBY DAY.

Here's a right and true list of all the running horses ! Dorling's correct

card for the Derby day! Hollo, old un ! hand us up one here, will

you : and let it be a good un : there, now what's to pay ?

Only sixpence. Sixpence T I never gave more than a penny at Hookem

Snivey in all my days. May be not, your honour : but Hookem Snivey

aintHepsom : and sixpence is what every gemman, as is a gemman, pays.

I can buy 'em for less than that on the course, and I'll wait till 1 get there.
Beg your honour's pardon ; they sells 'em a shillin' on the course.
Give you threepence. They cost me fippence ha'p'ny farden.

Well, here then, take your list back again. Come, come ; your honour shall

have it at your own price : 1 wouldn't sell it nob'dy else for no sitch

money : but 1 likes the sound of your wice.

Here, then, give me the change, will you? — Oh, certainly: but your honour's

honcommon ard : Let's see : you want two-and-threepence : wait a

moment, there's another gentleman calling out for a card.

Hollo, coachman, stop, stop ! Coachman, do you hear? stop your horses this

moment, and let me get down: The fellow's run away behind an

omnibus without giving me change out of my half-crown.

That's alvays the vay they does on these here hoccasions : they calls it

catching a flat : Sorry I can't stop. AVhere's the new police? Pretty

police truly, to suffer such work as that !

AVell, if ever I come to Epsom again ! but let's look at the list; it's cost me
precious dear ! Ascot, Mundig, Pelops ! why, good heavens, coach-
man! they've sold me a list for last year!

Oh, ma ! look there ! what a beautiful carriage ! scarlet and gold liveries, and

horses with long tails. And stodge-full of gentlemen with mustaches,

and cigars, and Macintoshes, and green veils :

Whose is it, ma ? Don't know, my dear ; but no doubt belongs to some duke,

or marquis, or other great nob. Beg your pardon, ma'am : but that

carriage as you're looking at is a party of the swell mob.

And, oh my ! ma : look at that other, full of beautiful ladies, dressed like

queens and princesses. Silks and satins and velvets, and gauze sleeves

and ermine tippets : I never saw such elegant dresses :

And how merry they look, laughing and smiling ! they seem determined to

enjoy the sport : Who are they, ma ? Don't know, dear ; but no doubt

they're Court ladies. Yes, ma'am, Cranbourne Court.

How do, Smith ? nice sort of tit you've got there. Very nice indeed : very

nice sort of mare. Beautiful legs she's got, and nicely-turned ancles,

and 'pon my word, a most elegant head of hair.

How old is she? and how high does she stand? I should like to buy her if

she's for sale. Oh, she's quite young : not above five-and-twenty or

thirty ; and her height exactly a yard and a half and a nail :

Price eighty guineas. She'd be just the thing for you ; capital hunter as

ever appeared at a fixture. Only part with her on account of her

colour; not that /mind: only Mrs. S. don't like an Ox-ford mixture.

Hehlo ! you faylow ! you person smoking the pipe, I wish you'd take your

quadruped out of the way. Quadruped, eh? you be blowed! it's no

quadruped, but as good a donkey as ever was fed upon hay.

Oh, my ! ma ; there's the course. What lots of people, and horses, and booths,

jS37-j THE DERBY DAY. 87

and grand stands. And .what oceans of gipsies and jugglers, and

barrel organs, and military bands !

And was ever sucli sights of Savoyards and French women singing and

E-0-tables ; And horses rode up and down by little boys, or tied

together in bundles, and put up in calimanco stables ;

And look at thatone, they call him Boneij])a.Yte. Did you ever in all your

lifetime see a leaner? And "Eoyal Dinner Saloons" (for royalty the

knives might have been a little brighter, and the linen a little cleaner) ;

And women with last-dying speeches in one hand, and in the other all the

best new comic songs ; And, dear me ! how funnily that gentleman

sits his horse ; for all the world just like a pair of tongs.

And — clear the course ! clear the course ! Oh, dear ! now the great Derby

race is going to be run. Twelve to one ! Ten to one ! Six to one !

Nine to two ! Sixteen to three ! Done, done, done, done !

Here they come ! here they come ! blue, green buff, yellow, black, brown,

white, harlequin, and red ! Sir, I wish you'd stand off of our carriage

steps : it's quite impossible to see through your head.

There, now they're gone : how many times- round ? Times round, eh ? why,

bless your innocent face ! It's all over. All over ! you don't say so !

1 wish I'd never come : such a take in ! call that a Derby race !

After being stifled with dust almost, and spoiling all our best bonnets and

shawls and cloaks ! Call that a Derby race, indeed ! I'm sure it's no

Derby, but nothing but a right-down, regular Oaks.

But come, let's have a bit of lunch : I'm as hungi-y as if I hadn't had a bit all

day. Smith, Avhat are you staring at ? why don't you make haste,

and hand us the hamper this way ?

"We shall never have anything to eat all day if yon don't stir yourself, and not

go on at that horrid slow rate. Oh, Lord ! the bottom's out, and every

bit of meat and drink, and worse than all, the knives and forks and plate, —

Stole and gone clean away ! Good heavenlies ! and I told you to keep your

eye on the basket, you stupid lout ! Well, so I did, on the top of it,

but who'd have thought of their taking the bottom out ?

Well, never mind : they'll be prettily disappointed : for you know, betwixt

you and me and the wall, Our ivory knives and forks were nothing

but bone ; and our plate nothing but German silver, after all.

What race is to be run next? No more, ma'am : the others were all run

afore you come, AVell, then, have the horses put to. Smith : I'll never

come a Derbying again ; and let us be off home.

Oh, lawk! what a stodge of carriages ! I'm sure we shall never get off the

course alive ! Oh, dear ! do knock that young drunken gentleman oif

the box : I'm sure he's not in a fit state to drive.

There, I told you how it would be. Oh, law ! you've broke my arm, and com-
pound-fractured my leg ! Oh! for 'eavens sake, lift them two 'orrid

osses off my darter I Sir, take your hands out of my pocket-hole, I beg !

1 say, the next time you crawl out of a coach window, I wish you wouldn't

put your foot on a lady's chest. Veil, if ever I seed such a purl as

that (and I've seed nrany a good un in my time) I'll be blest.

Oh, dear ! going home's worse than coming ! It's ten to one if ever we get
back to Tooley Street alive. — Such jostling, and pushing, and prancing
of horses ! and always the tipsiest gentleman of every party icill drive.

I wish I was one of those ladies at the windows ; or even one of the servant

88 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^31'

maids giggling bcliind the garden walls. And oh ! there's Kenuington

turnpike ! what shouting and hooting, and blowing those horrid cat-calls !

Ticket, Sir? got a ticket? No, I've lost it. A shilling, then. A shilling !

I've paid you once to-day. Oh, yes, I suppose so: the old tale ; but it

wont do. That's what all you sporting gentlemen say.

Hinsolent feller! I'll have you up before your betters. Come, sir, you
musn't stop up the way. Well, I'll pay you again ; but, oh Lord ! some-
body's stole my purse ! good gracious, what shall I do ! 1 suppose I

must leave my watch, and call for it to-morrow. Oh, rumation ! blow'd
if that isn't gone too !

Get on there, will you ?— Well, stop a moment. Will anybody lend me a shil-
ling? No? Well, here then, take my hat: But if I don't show you

up in JBeirs Life in London next Sunday morning, my name's not
Timothy Flat.

Well, this is my last journey to Epsom, my last appearance on any course as
a backer or hedger : For I see plain enough a betting-book aint a day-
book, and a Derby's a very different thing from a Ledger.

A PAEALLEL CASE OF HAEDSHIP.

A PUBLIC subscription of several thousand pounds has been proposed to bo
raised towards Mr. Buckingham's losses in India ; quickened by the threat
that, if not sufficient to maintain him, he would be driven to the very dreadful
necessity of " devoting the remainder of his days to useful and honourable
labour !" To avert so dire a calamity, it will be proposed among Mr. B.'s
friends to revive the old project, and send him round the world on a voyage
of discovery and commerce. He is to sail on the first of next April, and
will take with him passengers, emigrants, and merchandize. First exploring
the British coast, he will estabhsh a colony of tailors at SJieer-ness ; then
offer a consignment of saddles and bridles to the inhabitants of Byde;
afterwards call for Mr. Ole Bull oS.-Coioes, as fiddler to the crew; from
thence he will despatch a bale of blankets to Friez-\and, and of ^/Wes to the
people of Pau, taking in exchange some cheap coffee for charitable purposes
from Cham-herry . Proceeding through the Channel, he will receive a few
distressed ladies at Bridc\}Oxi on an experimental voyage to 5ea?« maris.
The late ministry will accompany him as far as the Ex, and at Bly-31outh
Sound he wjll take in the siibstance of his next parliamentary campaign.
At the Scilly Islands he will try to dispose of a heavy consignment from
Paternoster Row and some leading establishments at the west-end of the
town. He will leave the Poor Law Commissioners at their headquarters
at Flint; thence crossing the Atlantic, he will deposit the bones of Mr.
Carus Wilson at Long Island, and offer a cargo of soft-soap at Washington.
He will next despatch Stone masons to the CIdpaivay country, and Car-
penters to the Chich-a-saws, and he will be commissioned to get a lot of old
Joes exchanged at Neiv-Found-Land. He will supply the natives of Chili
with great coats, carry ham and heef to the Sandwich Islands, and hroad
cloth to Bombay. He will then reach" the North Pole by taking up his ship
in an air balloon, and remaining suspended, till, as the world goes round,
the arctic circle is just under his feet, when he will drop into the midst of
it. Coming home "from the North, about next St. Swithin twelvemonths,
he will bring us a little Blue from the Island of Skye, and call off the
coast of Ayr-shive for another scheme to raise the tcind. On his arrival,
the wooden guns at Jack Straw's Castle will be fired, and the town illumi-
nated with moonshine.

:27
28
29
30
31

MAY.

Some modern sages, nothing can be flatter,
Find i?i-polarity 'twixt mind and matter.
There's prima facie proof, upon the wliole.
It once existed in the man-maypole.
But barring manners, you'll admit no less,
He stands conspicuous for his pole-height- ncss.

(Srcat Hc&ents antr ©utr JHattcrs.

Chimnev Sweepers' Jubilee. Emancipation of the £/<7f/cs.

ARCHERY.— Miss Higgixs to Miss Figgixs.

This comes to tell you, dearest Coz, I've been to Beulah Spa,
And there, among the Archer folk, have shone with such ^clat.
AVell, I declare, 'tis charming sport to play at bows and arrows:
I do not wonder little boys so love to shoot at sparrows.
Some petty, trifling accidents occurr'd, I must confess •.
In taking aim, I tore a hole in Mrs. Simpkin's dress,
"Who gave me such a frightful look, as really made me shiver;
And put mv nerves in such a way as caus'd my hand to quiver.
So, just as Mr. Foozle, in his most politest manner.
Was paying me fine compliments, and calling me Diana,
My elbow slipped, and struck him such a blow upon the nose.
As caus'd the blood to spirt about, and cover all his clothes.
The boy who picks the arrows up, I shot right thro' the ear:
I'm sure he'd but himself to blame,— he stood so very near :
'Twas only just a hundred yards from where the target stood,
So how to help the hitting him would puzzle Robin Hood.
Altho' I'm sorry for the brat, I greatly pleas'd my spark.
Who thought me quite a heroine to shoot so near the mark.
So pr'ythee come, my dearest Coz, Diana's bow to draw.
And join the gay Toxophilites who shoot at Beulah Spa.

Whit-Monday.
Whit-Tuesday,

Now madcap Mirth, with reckless air,
Sports down gay Pleasure's tide;

"With every care cast to the winds,
And all his Wits-tmticd.

^MlhM

From Friars-Black and Chapel- White
They rush to Greenwich Fair,

Each donkey-cart has its asses' load.
Each chaise owns three a pair.

Some go by steam or sailing vessel.

Some by the Elephant and Castle.

The vent'rous see that famous hill,

Renown'd for fate's decree.
That they who tarry at the top

Shall soon the bottom see.
There's merry frisking on the grass.

For courting sporting people ;
And the curious seek the spying glass.

To peep at Barking steeple.

Frognottijications .

. the lords
and ladies

6 $
of all the
houses in

Petty
France."^

Again,

D 2 / b

who will

deny, that

Juniper

hath a more

malignant

influence

than
Jupiter ?

^(z)9> D

or, that,

in the

olden times

of pugilism,

?^ n8

A terra incognita,
13'ing in the vi-
cinity of TothiU
Fields.

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

" Show his eyps and p:rieve his heart ;
Come like shadows, so depart."

Courteous Eeader,

DTYARICATING from tlie beaten track of all my predecessors in
the Celestial Art, whose method it hath ever been to leave the
interpretation of their symbolical prefignrements to be explorated and
divined by the subtlety of the ingenious reader himself, — by the which
they did shroud, in a tenfold tenebrosity of Cimmerian gloom, their
no-meaning mysteries, and ambiguous puzzlements;— deviating, I
say, from such a course, I do herewith not only present thee, as hath
been my custom, with an Hieroglyphic " adapted to the times," but
lifting the veil of obscurity, wherein it is shrouded from vulgar ap-
prehension, lay patent and exposed the hidden meaning thereof.

It hath in it the three grand postulates or requirements of a
veritable Hieroglyphic, videlicet, — It is Astroscopical, Astrological,
and Prophetical : —

It is Astroscopical, as it is founded on an observation of the Stars.

It is Astrological, as it is indicative of planetary potency and
lunar influence; and

It is Prophetical, inasmuch as it not only presenteth the pre-
sent, but futurizeth the future.

Taurus, the Bull (egregious John !), having, through a plethora
of purse, fallen into a dreamy mood, yielded himself up to a som-
niferous influence, which becloudeth, with a misty obfuscation, his
natural senses ; whereupon the megrims of his crazy brain do set
themselves to work, and conjure up certain airy visions of specula-
tive aggrandizement.

Floating in nuhihus he£oro his fancy's eye, are sundry bubbles,

1837 •] ^ MAY-DAY LAY. 9I

blown bj' an Imp of Speculation, who ruletb the phantasies which
do take John's imagination captive. Gemini (the Twins) in the
similitude of a joint-stock Company proffer him wealth ; — baseless
castles, of unsubstantial fabric, resting on ether, do shadow forth
his brick-and-mortar predilections; — and a rail-road betwixt Dover
and Calais, uniting that which nature had dissevered, accomplisheth
that propinquity, which John ever affecteth for good neighbourhood
and fellowship ; while Luna, who hath established a reciprocity rail-
road with our planet, grinneth at his gulHbility, and marketh him
for her own.

Descending from the clouds, note we the state of his household
matters, while he thus dreameth in complacent security.

Thou mayest observe, gentle Eeader, certain satellites o^Mercury
(the planet of thieves), who, under the impersonation of rooks, by
an immersion of their long beaks into the profundity of his pockets,
are abstracting his treasure. At the right hand of the dreamer, a
cutpurse knave of Spades, the apt symbol of rail-road diggers and
miners, hath, by an undermining trick, possessed himself of his
bullion ; while the Demon of Gin, in the likelihood of a crafty
serpent, entwined round his lower extremities, shadoweth forth the
ruin with which the fiend spirit threateneth the props of the body
politic, — the Industrious Classes. The rats, those rogues in grain, are
devouring his corn ; and his faithful Tray is gnawing at his dinner.

Surrounded as he is by wealth and plenty, shall we marvel, that
when the master of the house sleepeth on his post, knaves will cheat,
thieves will steal, and servants will pilfer ?

A MAY-DAY LAY.

Hip, hip, huzza !
For Merry May !
More dear than tongues can tell,
To ev'ry child of Phoebus, — and
Of Lancaster and Bell.

Lay by your books :

Let anxious looks
Give place to mirth and smiles.
Come, come, my lads, put up your slates^
And run and fetch your tiles 1

Now off they go,

Dick, Tom, and Joe,
Just like a pack of hounds ;
With vicar, crier, and beadle too.
To beat the ]Darish bounds.

Away, away,

By bank and brae,
By footway and by highway :
Each lane a Lad-lane now becomes,
And ev'ry way a Boy-way.

92 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [l^S?-

At ev'ry well

Their notes tlicy swell, —
One's in the water thrown ;
Where he this moral lesson learns :—
" Always let ivell alone."

And then at night,

Oh ! what delight
To hear the pipes of Pan !
And see the old connexion still

Kej^t up 'twixt May and Can !

While maidens bound
The May-pole ronnd,
With hearts and footsteps light :
And near the Pole a booth is found,
A Boothia Fdix quite.

At least 'twas so

Some years ago,
Ere wasdom oped our eyes ;
And farthing folks, with penny mags,
Made people penny wise.

But, nowadays.
We've no such Mays :
Unpluck'd now blows the hawthorn.
A 2lfa?/-pole I no more can find
Than Parry can the northern.

Our Johnny raws

Bead Newton's laws.
All merriment unheeding ;
And, poring over the Laius of Light,
Imagine it light reading.

Yet still, sweet May,

To me thou'rt gay ;
My pleasure and my pride !
I love thy vi'lets, daffodils.

Daisies, — and pigeons — pied !

I love thy flow'rs,

And shady bow'rs;
Thy mountains and thy vales.
I love thy morning breezes, and
lloYeihj nightingales!

Then, hip ! huzza !

For Merry May !

We'll banish care and fear ;

And sing and dance from day to da^j,

And laugh from ear to ear!

1837.]

JUNE.

Pattern of patience, — j^^'^^^i^ punter, — say,

ISince early dawn, when thou didst take thy stand,

How many nibbles hast thou had ? I pray, —
How many minnows hast thou brought to land ?

Not one ! — yet comfort thee, Piscator bold ;

One thing, at least, you're sure to catch, — a cold 1

(Sicat lEDents antr ©'rm JWlattcrs,

Frognostijications.

. sbip-lc

tDiemen's laml.
Transit of VerillS. a sbip-load of Vestals consigned to Van

Sun rises 3 h. 48 m.

I wish my Son would rise as soon,
To breathe the bahny air of June, —

The lazy dog !
Not snoring half his hours away,
Lie like a torpid lump of clay,

Or old King Log.
To rouse the sluggard from his nest,
I've all things tried, and done my best,—

The prig !
I've stripped the clothes, in hopes he'd mend ;
I've given him strap,— a thick rope's end,—

Cold pig !
In vain ! — There lies the stupid clown.
As if the Night Mare held him down.

Battle of Waterloo. LobUers in season.

f-^^t

Daniel Lambert died. Grand Diet of Worjiis.

mil.

The grave-digger fled, all a-shiv'ring and shaking,
For old Mother Earth she cried, [making

With a terrible groan : " Why the deuce are you
This precious big hole in my side 1"

Quarter Day. Moon hides behind a cloud, for fear

[of being shot.

Ha ! ray lad, you've caught a Tartar,
Landlords never give ?eo quarter.

Crib
squaring
to Gully

had a more

sinister
aspect than

Mercury
squaring to

Mars ?

^% ^

Then,
as touching

THE
WEATHER,

what better

index
need we of

its ever-
shifting
IliSrA

variable
variations

than the

countenance

Spouse ?

94 THE COMIC ALMANAClv. [1837.

MISS AMELIA SMITH TO MISS JULIA SMYTHE.

"Dearest Julia, — Since that very unpleasant afiair of pa's bankruptcy,
which made it so disagreeable to stop in town, I have really not had a
moment to spare. I take the first opportunity to tell you that our fa'rming
goes on quite as well as might be expected ; and I hope in a few years we
shall be able to hold up our heads again in our dear native Tooley Street,
and among our friends at dear No. 294-

" Haymaking is just over, and such fun ! Oh, how I wished for you, dear
Julia ! you would so have liked it ! — tedding, and windrowing, and staddle-
rowing, and quilling, and above all, being rolled about and tumbled to bits
by the young Browns, our handsome neighbours, who kindly offered their as-
sistance on this occasion. Young Edwi'h, who paid particular attention to
me, and squeezed my best transparent muslin bonnet to a mummy, and tore
my green silk frock all to rags, is one of the nicest young men in these parts,
and a great favourite with us all. Pa and ma sat on a bank directing our
proceedings out of a book pa's got, which tells you all about farming, and
agriculture, and everything. I am head shepherdess, and go out every
morning with my crook and Spanish guitar, and sit all day long on a bank
playing to the sheep and lambs ; young Edwin Brown generally coming and
keeping me company with his German flute, which makes it very pleasant.
Besides having the care of the flocks, I am put in charge of the eggs and
poultry ; but, though I have every reason to believe that our hens lay regu-
larly, I cannot for the life of me find their nests : and I assure you I have
searched over and over again in all the trees about the premises. The only
eggs I have been able to get were some brought in by pa the other day, and
which I immediately set under a Baotam hen ; but, unfortunately, they
turned out nothing but snakes. Also a second lot, picked up by brother
John in one of his walks, which unluckily proving to be pheasants, poor
John has been informed against by a neighbouring gamekeeper, and will
have to pay goodness knows what penalty, and has got the character of a
poacher into the bargain. What a fuss is here about poaching a few eggs !

" My geese also have been very disappointing, though we have had the
tank in front of the house carefully covered in with invisible wire for their
accommodation, where they are kept night and day, and have fresh water
given them every morning. Ducks likewise don't go on very swimmingly ;
and as to our horned cattle, things have gone very crooked. Pa bought a
lot of cows, and thereby hangs a tale, for on bringing them up to milk
we couldn't get a drop ; and on inquiry found that he ought to have bought
milch cows, and not feeding cows, which are only used for making beef of.
But he soon bought others, and we have now a very good dairy, and Lucy
is quite pat at making butter, but mamma is rather green at making cheese.

" Brother John attends the markets — not that we have anything to sell —
but it is considered regular ; and indeed he makes a regular thing of it
by getting tipsy every market day. Emily, who, you know, was always very
fond of birds, bought a lot of pigeons, and a tame hawk, and a jackdaw ; but,
unfortunately, the hawk got one day into the dovecot, and killed every one of
the pigeons ; and the jackdaw has stolen all our silver forks and spoons.
Brother John purchased a lot more pigeons at the market, which flew away
the next morning ; and pa, in his rage, wrung the jackdaw's neck, bo that
we are safe to see no more of our forks and spoons.

" Ma undertook to manage the bees, and has had a glass hive fixed at her
bed-room window. The first night she was very unlucky ; for, getting up in
the dark to open the window, she forgot the bees, and smashed one of the

i837-] ^^ISS AMELIA SMITH TO MISS JULIA SMYTHE. 95

hives, wLereupon the little savages flew at her and almost stung her to death ;
and pa, who heard her cries and jumped out of bed to her assistance, got as
roughly handled as ma. Only fancy, Julia dear, being in nothing but your
chemise, and two hundred thousand bees stinging at you like mad ! not
pleasant, is it?

" Our pig-sties, I am sorry to say, are quite empty, the pigs having sti ayed
and got into the parish pound (unknown to us, of course), where they were
at last sold to pay their expenses. Susan, however, has been very successful
in rearing a litter of Guinea piss, and Emily has got a most delightful lot
of little peacocks. Also John, who has bought a hunter and means to follow
the hounds, has had wonderful luck with his foxes, fur whose accommoda-
tion he has planted two of our largest fields full of gorse bushes. A singular
thing occurred the other day with regard to one of these creatures : he was
seen retreating to the gorse covert, closely pursued by one of the turkeys ;
and, more singular still, the turkey has never since been heard of, and it is
generally supposed that it followed the fox into one of its holes and got suffo-
cated. Several of the chickens have also disappeared in a very mysterious
way, and we can only account for it in the same manner.

" Our health is capital — except ma, who has got the lumbago by sitting
without her shawl in the hay-field — and pa, who is laid up with a cold and
sore throat from standing in the draught of a winnowing machine — and
Emily, who has got a face as big as two with running to fetch the young
ducks out of the rain — and Abraham, who has almost cut his hand oft' ^nth
pruning the damson trees — and John, who, I am afraid, has lamed himself
for life in trying to jump his horse over a five-barred gate with spikes on it
— and your humble servant, who has put out one of her wrists, and sprained
one of her ancles, and fractured one of her ribs in climbing up a tree after
a hen's nest — or rather, a magpie's. My wrist is so bad at this moment that
you must excuse my abruptly signing myself,

" Dearest Julia, your most affectionate

"AMELIA.

" P.S. Wrist or no wrist, I must tell you of the perfidy of that villain,
Edwin Brown. Ma has just been in to say that he has run away with his
father's dairymaid. A perjured wretch ! and a dairymaid too ! I have for-
sworn love for ever, and made over my sheep to Emily. Oh, Julia !

"P.S. I open this sheet to tell you of the shocking fire that happened here
last night. We might have all been burnt to death in our beds. The barns,
stables, and other out-buildings are reduced to cinders ; and all owing to
William's fine lick of hay, which it seems was put up too green, and took
fire of its own accord. Very odd — pa's book never said a word about it. Wo
are all very miserable. " Your doubly afflicted "Amelia."

OPERATION OF THE NEW POOR LAWS.

A MAN in the last stage of destitution came before the sitting magistrate
at Lambeth Street, and stated, that having by the operation of the New
Poor Laws been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was reduced to
such extremity, that, if not instantly relieved, he must be driven to do a
deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy magistrate instantly ordered him
five shillings from the poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving
way to despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled
to but for this seasonable relief? "To work!" said the man, with a deep
sigh, as he left the office.

JULY

Two potent elements combine

To rule the month together,
St. Swithin gives us showers of rain,

The mad dogs, biting weather.
And if you g-et a dubious gripe

From Pincher, Snap, or Toby,
The good saint's bucket comes right

To test the Hydro-phoby.

©rcat lEbcnts nnts ©UU J^nttcrs.

Prognostifications.

Dog Days heg.

' Old Motlier Hubbard
Went to the cupboard.

To get her poor dog a bone.'

HOW TO MAKE A MAD DOG.

Si/ a Knowing Sand.

Tie a dog that is little, and one that is large,

To a truck or a barrow as big as a barge ;

Their mouths girded tight with a rugged old cord (or

They'll put out then- tongues) by the magistrate's order;

So you save 'em the trouble of feeding, I think,

Or the loss of your time by their stopping to drink.

Lend 'em out, 'tis a neighbourly duty, of course.

And mind they've a load that would stagger a horse.

If you've nothing to draw, why, yourselves let 'em carry (sons

Of she dogs !), or else they'll be drawing compari-sons.

With a stick or a kick make 'em gallop away.

And smoke through the streets in a piping-hot day.

Where Mac Adam is spreading his pebbles about.

And they'll pick up their feet all the quicker, no doubt ;

More than all, don't allow them their noses to wet ;— it

Will keep 'era alert by the " wish they may get it."

All pleasures must end : — when they drop head and tail,

With their muzzles all froth, like a tankard of ale,

Turn 'em loose in the road with a whoop and a hollo.

And get all the thieves and the blackguards to follow.

It's a precious good lark for the neighbours, you'll find,

With the mad dogs before and the sad dogs behind,

And you'll ne'er be molested, rely on my word,

If you keep 'em from biting a Bishop or Lord.

Second week of St. Swithin. Ladies sigh for "a little sun."

Doth not

many

a Benedick

^8 t

know

riglit well

that a

cloudy

brow

on the

aspect of

his dear

6 T

betoken eth

cool

breezes,

^ <Y> ? *

probably

followed by

a storm,

accom-
panied tcith
showers ?

n T? 6 D

And that,

IS37-J 97

FANCY-FAIRING.

"only fancy!"

I SAW her at the Fancy Fair :

'Twas there my heart she won
Within the sweet, romantic grounds

Of Mr. Jenkinson.

Her ma-in-law stood by her side,

Also her annt Griselda ;
Who all the younger brothers served,

While " Missy" served the elder.

To cure Diseases of the Ear,

They say they've oped the mart :

But I think it's to propagate
Diseases of the heart.

I thought I'd buy a pair of gloves,

To get a bit of talk ;
Her lily hands presented them,

A pair as white as chalk.

Then, feeling for the cash to pay,
" Oh law,'' says I, " I'm trick'd !"—

" Dear ! what's the matter, Sir p" said she ;
Said I, " My pocket's pick'd !

But never mind — I'll just step home,

Some other cash to find." —
" I reckon so !" cried some pert wag

Among the crowd behind.

To show I meant to come again,

Said I, " Miss, may I beg
My umbrella and cloak to hang

Two minutes on this peg ?"

" Oh yes !" said she ; and off I flew

To fetch my pocket-book ;
Chen hasten'd back, and out of it
A five-pound note I took.

'' Pray give me change, dear Miss," said Ij

" For I no more can find." —
■ X vishes you may get it. Sir !"

Cried out the voice behind.

qS the comic almanack. [.^837

The people langlied : the lady smiled

(I thought it rather strange) ;
Then popp'd my note into a box,

And said, " We never change !"

T soon found what an ass I'd been

To trust in pretty features.
Thinks I, — well, this is the last time

I'll deal with these dear creatures.

Since then I've learn'd that tricks like these

Are thought quite meritorious.
And that for boning five-pound notes

These dames are quite note-orious.

Says I, " Dear Miss, such barefaced cheats

Are really past a joke ;
So give me my umbrella, ma'am —

And give me, ma'am, my cloak.

*' Not that I care — of course, I don't —

For losing so much gold !" —
" Your cloak and your umbrella. Sir!

Oh la I they've both been sold !"

At that I lost my patience quite ;

M3'' rage I couldn't smother.
*' Grood heav'ns !" I cried, "the last dear gifts

Of a lamented mother !"'

I rav'd and stamp'd, and tliinh I swore.

Cried Miss, " For heaven's sake, cease I"
And then she gave me — heartless girl! —

In charge of the police.

To prison soon they haul'd me off,

With pushes, shoves, and jolts ;
And soon I found Dame Justice' bar>j

Were worse than Cupid's bolts.

Now all who read my sad mishaps.

Of nymphs like these beware !
For oh ! there's many a real cheat

Found at a. fancy fair.

And if you want your money's worth.

With honest traders barter ;
For if to marts like these you go,

You'll surely be a martyr.

AUGUST.

The postboys clatter to the door,

Whips cracking and spurs pricking ;

The hero who went up at four

Came down at fiYe, alive and kicking.

Below is a special communication ,

From a private source, to inform the nation. |

117

1 18

.19

1 20

|21

1 22

126

!27

ffircat "Ebcnts antr ©tJtr iiHattcrs.

Charles X. abdic. 1830. New issue of Sovereigns,

THE BALLOON ASCENT.

" Only threepence more, and up goes the Donk-ey."

Dear Captain! let me thank my lucky fate

That brings me safe and sound through every strait,

And when my rebel subjects tipp'd me over,

Placed between them and me the Straits of Dover :

On terra jirma I've at length alighted,

More dead than living, tho* less hurt than frighted,

And strike me ugly— that I swear quite plain,

I'll never venture in the air again.

To let me go the varlets scarce were willing,

As long as they could shoiv me for a shilling : —

At last however all was right and handy.

By Madame's wondrous skill and— drops of brandy;

And while my cheeks with glowing rouge were spread,

'Tis falae to say the white usurp'd the red.

Then as we mounted in the clear blue sky.

The Queen's own private Aeronaute and I,

A field of handkerchiefs waved full in view.

Dirty and clean, silk, cotton, black and blue ;

And while the huge machine majestic rose,

I gazed on many an elevated nose.

And heard, and wrote it down, with great surprise,

A man in spectacles exclaim " my eyes !"

Just as we threw the sand-bags quickly o'er,

And rose so high that 1 could hear no more.

So being fairly'out of mortal ken.

The fair one said, " We'll soon come down agaui."

Too soon — for while I turn'd myself around.

Balloon and car came spinning to the ground:

The earth received my nob— too thick to split—

The lady fell on— what she thought most fit.

I gallop'd off as fast as steeds could fly ;

To bed she posted quickly, there — to lie.

Fete Champetre. Field-fare arrive.

Jews banished England, 1290.

[Old Debts."
*'New Way to Pay

Frognostijications.

if he would

look for

sunshine,

he must,
ungrudg-
ingly and
obediently,

i; ^®
acquiesce

iu and
accede to

all her
modest re-
quirements?

nr 5 111.
when, and
not before,

he may

reasonably

expect
fair tcea-
tlier to the
end of the

month.

u 2

roo THE COMIC almakack. [1837.

A TOUGH YARN.

Guy Davit was a sailor bold,

As ever hated France ;
And th^ \c never cared for gold,

He fltuck to the main chance.

Susanna Sly was what they call

A servant of all work :
Made beds, baked pies, cleaned shoes, hemmed shirts

Blacked grates, and pickled pork.

Young Guy was born upon the Thames,

Off the Adelphi, Strand ;
And so the water — do you see ? —

Became his father-land.

'Twas there he served his time ; and none

On " wessel," boat, or raft.
More honest was : altho' 'twas known

He loved a little craft.

He soon had weathered twenty-one ;

Youth's cable then let slip,
He stepped out of his master's boat,

And his apprentice-s/wjp.

Next year, the First of August come,

He trimmed his little boat.
And plied so well his oars, he won

Old Dogget's badge and coat.

'Twas then Susanna saw him first.

And first felt Cupid's dart.
The young toxophilite had hit

The bull's-eye of her heart.

A thousand hearts besides her own

With am'rous hopes beat higher,
It seemed as if Love, with his link,

Had set the Thames on fire.

So Sue set up her best mob cap

At Guy, to win his heart.
For some folks Love makes slatternly,

And some folks he makes smart.

But Guy was a conservative,

(The hottest of the nation,)
And so he wasn't going to yield

To any moh's dictation,

18370

A TOUGH YARN. I 01

Then Sue a tender letter wrote:

Guy didn't seem to lieed it,
And not one word of answer sent ;

For why? — he couldn't read it.

Then Susan offered him her hand :

Love made her accents falter,
" Thankee," says he ; " but I prefers

A cable to a altar. ^^

For Guy of foreign shores had heard,

And wonders there that be ;
He scarce could think such stories true,

So he went out to sea.

Poor Susan saw her sailor start

On hoard a ship of war ;
Which raised her love to such njryitch,

She thought she'd be a tar.

So, casting off her female gear.

She joined the merry crew ;
And round the world, thro' storm and sV If*^

Did Sue her love pursue.

And she and Guy became sworn friendv

No hint of love e'er dropping.
Till, one day, Guy confessed he liked

A pretty maid at Wapping.

Then Susan home like lightning flew,

And so well played her part,
In likeness of a captain bold,

She won that fair maid's heart.

And, following her advantage up

(So dazzling is ambition !)
Our captain soon prevailed on her

To altar her condition.

The wedding o'er, away she went,

To Guy the tidings carried.
And gave to him the newspaper

That told his love was married.

Then Guy a loaded pistol took :

"I'll kill myself!" he cried ;
" Because I will not side with Sue,

I'll be a suicide.^'

When Susan heard him say these woids,

She at her brains let fly :
And down, a corse, he sank, by Jove ;

And down she sank — by Guy !

102

SEPTEMBEE

[1837.

Soft, simple innocent ! — how well you show
The gentle pastimes of your Cockney mates ;

From him, who sparrows shoots with penny bow,
To him who, armed with Manton, braves the fates 1

Alack! it grieves me that this shoeless boy

Should bootless follow the delusive joy ;

For e'en the salt oi attic wit doth fail

To catch a goose : — ' and thereby hangs a tale.'

C&rrat lEbcnls antr (©uti J^attcrs.

Frognnstificationa.

23 1

24 1

27
28 i
29
30

[deemed fair game by cab and omnibus drivers
Paseenger-shootillg begins. old ladies and young cbildreu.

New Style. Eleven clays stepped over. V *

Bartlemij Fair.

' Fair is foul, and foul is fair,"
Dabble tbro' the mud " and filthy air.'

The sun of Bartlemy is well-nigh set, and his latest rays
arc dull as the Dutch metal that gilds his gingerbread
kings. The last fair was a foul concern— the lions roared in
a saw-dust solitude and the monkeys ehatter'd to empty
boxes.— "Just going to begin" was a never-ending cry,
because the sights waited all day for want of see-ers— Mr.
IMerryman was sad, for people would not down with the
dumps; and though he cried " Walk up ! only twopence,"
he failed to " take his change out of that." In vain King
Richard ofter'd his kingdom for a horse; there were only a
few asses within ear-ing. The sausages met with no stufTers,
and the dog-meat pies remained unbitten, though the chim-
ney-sweeps looked rabid at 'em. The hot spiced nuts met
with a cold reception; the baked plum pudding was at no
price current ; and the ginger beer, though well up, would
not go down. The pyramids of apples stood as unmoved as
those of Egypt ; but the nuts alone looked "happy, for the
people gave them " none of their jaw." The temperance
societies have turned the table to a T;— Men who have left
off gin do not support Mr. Gingell ; and water-drmkers have
no affection for fire-eaters. As to the gin temples, they
found their day pretty well over, so they blazed at night, but
their illuminated dials have made the world suspect "what's
o'clock." Even the pickpockets failed of their harvest : for
as the people abandoned the knaves in spirit, they were
able to guard agamst the rogues in gram.

Hake HusTiNa.

Quarter Day.

The landlord seizes for his rent, but can't be called a cheat,

For though he takes your stools and chairs, he leaves you a re-seat.

Eurther-
more,

let a
needy man
©n
essay to
open the
heart or
draw
the purse-
strings

of a fair-
weather
friend,

0? ^
and shall

he not
forthwith
experience

a cool and
frosty air J

sufficient

to blight

all the

blossoms

of hope ?

I837-J i03

THE FIEST OF SEPTEMBEE.

A FRAGMENT.

"And that's why I don't liks a flinty soil," said the farmer.

"Talking of flints," said the gentleman in the India-rubber coat, white
cords, and top-boots, " we'd a werry honcommon day's sport shooting, the
First of September ultimo : vich there vos me and Figgins, and Wiggins,
and Higgins, and young Apollo Bel videos Hicks, the poet, vot wa-ites werses
in BelVs Life, and sends wery anonymous letters to the Painij Ilagazine,
and sings a werry good song now and then at. the Adelphi Shades — a werry
slap-up party, I assure you. I writ an account of it at the time, vich 1 sent
io BelVs Life; but owing to a v.erry great pi ess of m.ittcr of tempory
hinterest, vosn't hab'e to be printed. I've got the journal in my pocket, and
if you like, I'll read it."

"By all means," said a chorus of voices. Whereupon the gentleman in
the India-rubber coat, white cords, and top-boots, douted his halfsmoked
cigar, stowed it away in his silver-mounted shagreen case, and pulling out
an amateur-built note-book, made of half-a-dozen sheets of blue-lined paper,
evidently purloined from the ledger, read as follows :

"journal of proceedings on the first of SEPTEMBER ULT.

" Edited by Jonathan Duggins, Esq.

" Up at six. — Told Mrs. D. I'd got wery pressing business at Woolwich,
and olf to Old Fish Street, where a wherry sporting breakfast, consisting of
jugged hare, partridge pie, tally-ho sauce, gunpowder tea, aud-caetera, vos
laid out in Figgins's warehouse ; as he didn't choose Mrs. F. and iiis young
hinfant family to know he vos a-goin to hexpose himself vith fire-harms. — •
After a good blow-out, sallied forth vith our dogs and guns, namely Mrs.
Wiggins's French poodle. Miss Selinalliggins's real Blenheim spaniel, young
Hicks's ditto, Mrs.Figgins's pet bull-dog, and my little thorough-bred tarrier ;
all vich had been smuggled to Figgins's warehouse the night before, to per-
went domestic disagreeables. — Got into a Paddington bus at the Bank. — Kow
with Tiger, who hobjected to take the dogs, unless paid hextra. — Hicks said
we'd a rights to take 'em, and quoted the hact. — Tiger said the hact
only allowed parcels carried on the lap. — Accordingly tied up the dogs iu
our pocket-handkerchiefs, and carried them and the guns on our knees. — ■
Got down at Paddington; and, after glasses round, valked on till ve got into
the fields, to a place vich Higgins had baited vith corn and penny rolls every
day for a month past. Found a covey of birds feeding. Dogs wery eager,
and barked beautiful. Birds got up, and turned out to be pigeons. Debate
as to vether pigeons vos game or not. Hicks said they vos made game on
by the new hact. Fired accordingly, and half killed two or three, vich half
fell to the ground ; but suddenly got up again and flew off. Eeloaded, and
pigeons came round again. Let fly a second time, and tumbled two or three
more over, but didn t bag any. Tired at last, and turned in to the Dog and
Partridge to get a snack. Landlord laughed, and asked how ve vos lioflf for
tumblers. Didn't understand hi.n, but got some waluable hinformati(,n about
loading our guns ; vich he strongly recommended mixing the powder and
shot well up together before putting into the barrel ; and showed Figgins
how to charge his percussion; vich, being Figgins's first attempt unde'r the
new system, he had made the mistake of putting a charge of copper caps into

104 "^"^ COMIC ALMAXACK. [1837.

tlie barrel instead of sticking von of 'em atop of the toiicli-hole. — Left the Dog
and Fartridf/e, and took a north-easterly direction, so as to have the adwan-
'age of the vind on our backs. Dogs getting wery riotous, and refusing to
answer to Figgins's vhistle, vich had unfortunately got a pea in it. — Getting
over an edge into a field, Ilicks's gun haccidentally hexploded, and shot
Wiggins behind ; and my gun going otl hunexpectedly at the same moment,
singed avay von of my viskers and blinded von of my heyes. — Camed
Wiggins back to the inn : dressed his wound, and rubbed my heye with
cherry brandy and my visker vith bear's grease. — Sent poor W. home by a
short stage, and resumed our sport. — Heard some pheasants crowing by the
side of a plantation. Eesolved to stop their cockadoodledooing, so set off at
a jog-trot. Passing thro' a field of bone manure, the dogs unfortunately set
TO work upon the bones, and we couldn't get 'em to go a step further at no
price. Got vithin gun-shot of two ot the birds, vich Higgins said they voa
tw^o game cocks : but Hicks, who had often been to Vestmiaster Pit, said no
sitch thing; as game cocks had got short square tails, and smooth necks,
and long militarj spurs ; and these had got long curly tails, and necks all
over hair, and scarce any spurs at all. Shot at 'em as pheasants, and believe
we killed 'em both ; but, hearing some orrid screams come out of the planta-
tion immediately hafter, ve all took to our 'eels and ran avay vithout stopping
to pick either of 'em up. — After running about two miles. Hicks called out
to stop, as he had hobserved a covey of wdld ducks feeding on a pond by the
road side. Got behind a haystack and shot at the ducks, vich svam avay
hunder the trees. Figgins wolunteered to scramble down the bank, and
hook out the dead uns vith the but-hend of his gun. Unfortunately bank
failed, and poor F. tumbled up to his neck in the pit. Made a rope of our
pocket hankerchiefs, got it round his neck, and dragged him to the Dog and
Doublet, vere ve had him put to bed, and dried. Werry sleepy with the
hair and hexercise, so after dinner took a nap a-piece. — Woke by the landlord
coming in to know if ve vos the gentlemen as had shot the hunfortunate nurse-
maid and child in Mr. Smithville's plantation. Swore ve knew nothing about
it, and vile the landlord vas gone to deliver our message, got out of the back
vindow^, and ran avay across the fields. At the end of a mile, came suddenly
upon a strange sort of bird, vich Hicks declared to be the cock-of-the- woods.
Sneaked behind him and killed him. Turned out to be a peacock. Took to
Dur heels again, as ve saw the lord of the manor and two of his servants vitli
bludgeons coming down the gravel valk towards us. Found it getting late, so
agreed to shoot our vay home. Didn't know vere ve vos, but kept going on. —
At last got to a sort of plantation, vere ve saw a great many birds perching
about. Gave 'em a broadside, and brought down several. Loaded again, and
killed another brace. Thought ve should make a good day's vork of it at last,
and was preparing to charge again, ven two of the new police came and took us
up in the name of the Zolorogical Society, in whose gardens it seems ve had
been shooting. Handed off to the Public Hoffice, and werry heavily fined,
and wen'y sewerely reprimanded by the sitting magistrate. — Coming away,
met by the landlord of the Dog and Doublet, wdio charged us with running
oflf without paying our shot ; and Mr. Smithville, who accused us of man-
slaughtering his nurse-maid and child ; and, their wounds not having been
declared immortal, ve vos sent to spend the night in prison — and thus ended
my last First of September."

OCTOBER.

105

Ilail ! honest Toby, who all griimblinij hates.
Who quaffs his ale, and cheerful pays his rates;
Whose faith is fixed and linn, — in stout October, —
Wlio scorns dissent, — except, from being sober ;
V>'ho swears the cause is best upheld by drinking.
Since he who takes to water, takes to thinking ;
Who designates small beer a public scandal,
And knows no heresy but using the pump handle.

Great iSbcnts autr dD'arj JWattcrs.

DIALOGUE.

Customer: What can I have, waiter? — TJ'aiter : What

would you Hke, Sir ?
C. Can you give me a chop, or a steak ? — W, No, Sir.
C. Any cold meat?— PT. No.
C Crust of bread and cheese ?—W. No,
C. Why, you've nothing at all in the house, then, it seems ?

— W, Oh ! yes we have.
C, What?— TF. An Execution !

[Jennies, 1779,
A mob of Johnnies lay rougli hands on the Spinning
Spenser died, succeeded by Coats. (Query, Borneo ?)

Day hreahs. Poor fellow ! when, and where ?

I pity him, I do declare ;
Unlike the surly wight, who said.
When rous'd up from his downy bed,
" What is't to me, if broke or no ?
He owes me nothing." {Vide Joe.)
And Mrs. Day, — his loving mate, —
'Twill break her heart, as sure as fate.
Oh, no ! she treats it very light; —
She's run awaj with Mr, Night.
Should Mrs. Day, though, meet her gun,
Then Mr. Night will be undone;
For by some magic,— strange to say,—
This sun will turn Night into Bay.

St, Crispin. All Soles Day. Colliers'' Holiday.
[No business done in Downing Street.

Brewing ends, J/a^-brun. Sii' Matthew Hale.

Frognostifications.

Now,
lest, perad-
venture,
_« 6^nr?
it should
hereby
seem to the
uudiscern-
ing multi-
tude,
?^®
that I have
deserted,

the

Celestial

Science,

?^^

and proved

an unworthy

successor

of the

defunct and

doughty

Moore,

I do here

present

one

important

prediction,

lOf THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^837,

ODE TO BEER.

Hail, Beer !
Ill all thy forms of Porter, Stingo, Stout,
Swipes, Double-X, Ale, Heavy, Out-and-out,
Most dear.
Hail ! thou that mak'st man's heart as big as Jove's !
Of Ceres' gifts the best !
That furnishest
A cure for all our griefs : a barm for all our — loaves !
Oh ! Sir John Barleycorn, thou glorious Knight of Malt-
May thy fame never alter !
Great Britain's Bacchus ! pardon all our failings ;
And with thy ale ease all our ailings !
I've emptied many a barrel in my time : and may be
Shall empty many more

Before
O'er Styx I sail :
Ev'n when an infant I was fond of Ale :

A sort of Ale-y Baby,
And still I love it, spite the gibes and jokes

Of wmeing folks.
For Stout I've stoutly fought for many a year ;
For Ale I'll fight till I'm laid on my hier.

October ! oh, intoxicating name ! no drink
rbat e'er was made on earth can match with thee f
Of best French Brandy in the Palais Eoyal
I've emptied many a phial ;
And think
That Double-X beats 0-D-Y.
On thy banks, Rhine,
I've drunk such Wine
As Bacchus' self might well unsobor :
But oh, Johannisberg ! thy beams are shorn
By our John Barleycorn ;
And Hock is not Hock-tober !
As for the rest, Cape, Claret, Calcavella,
They are but *' leather and prunello,"
Stale, flat, and musty.

837-] ODE TO BEER. IO7

B J thy side, Ale !
Imperial Tokay
Itself gives way ;
Sherry turns jjale,
And Port grows crusty.
Ram, Whiskey, Hollands, seem so much sour crout:
And Hodges' Mountain Dew turns out
A mere Hodge -
Podge.
Of hishops ev'n, god wot I
I don't much like the flavour :
Politically speaking, (but then, politics are not
My trade,)
Exception should be made
In Doctor Malt-hys favour.
In vino Veritas, they say : but that's a fable —

A most egregious blunder.
I've been at many a wine-bibbing, ere now ;

And vow,
For one that told the truth across the table,
I've seen a dozen lying under.
Besides, as old Sam Johnson said once, I've no patience

With men who never tell the sober truth
But when they're drunk: and a' n't to be believed, forsooth,
Except in their lie-bations.
Oh ! do not think — you who these praises hear —
Don't think my muse be-mused with Beer I
Nor that, in si:>eaking thus my pleasure,

I go beyond beer measure.
Would I had lived in days of good Queen Bet,
And her brave cUjeimers a la fourcheUe I

No days were e'er like hers,
> ' whose gay board were ever seen to join
Those two surpassing Sirs,
Sir John, and famed Sir-loin.

But stay !

It's time to end this lay ;
Tho' I could go on rhyming for a year

(And think it sport

In praise of Beer) ;
But many folks, I know, like something shorU

I08 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [.^^37*

SO— OH !— LOGICAL SOCIETY.

At the Annual Meeting of the So-oh ! -logical Society, the Chair-
man, in an able speech, which was highly satisfactory to himself and
all present, congratulated the members on the prosperous state of
the concern. He informed them that their coffers and their dens were
3'et undrained ; that they were still able to raise the wind, though
they had very little ventilation ; that the shilling orders were on the
increase, though the animals were in a decHne; and, admitting that-
some of them had galloped off in a consumption, there was a con-
solation in the old adage, that living asses were far better than dead
lions, — a truth of which they must all feel a full conviction.

He stated that 15,073 ^pennyworths of apples, 10,732 gingerbread
cakes, and 6,532 half-pints of nuts had been sold during the year by
the old lady who sits at the bear-pit ; that a Sunday school had
been established in the Gardens, under the superintendence of a
committee of noblemen, for the purpose of instructing the apes and
monkeys in the art of smoking cigars, and other usages of fashion-
able life ; but that the throngs of ladies who crowded round them
during school-hours had greatly retarded their improvement, by
staring them out of countenance.

He thought it right to mention to the Meeting that the Council,
in the choice of the Society's servants, had borne in mind that mere
experience is but empiricism, and they had discovered that whoever
could wash a coach-wheel could water a rhinoceros ; that an over-
grown Tiger was a i^roper person to feed a Lion, and the offsprings
of their darlings were doubtless best qualified to fodder their dee^s.
He congratulated the Meeting, that while common show-men were
confined by their capabilities to merely exhibiting their animals alive*
this collection presented exclusively the additional advantage of a
speedy opportunity of dissection. He concluded by an announce-
ment, for vs'hich lie trusted they would ever prove grateful, that his
Majesty had granted to the Society permission to apj^ear at Court
with long ears and a tail, and to distinguish themselves by the ap-
pendage of any letters not exceeding three to their names, but
ending with an S. At this intimation the delighted Ear-ers trotted
away to give orders to their tail-ers, and to search their dictionaries.
They all returned suit-ed before they got far into the alphabet.

The President then read an interesting letter from a member
detailing new facts in the history of the domestic cat {felis coni*

l837-] so— -Oil i — LOGICAL SOCIETY. IO9

inunis). The writer's housekeeper had been making her annual
brewing of elder wine, which was left in the barrel, unstopped,
seciLndum artem, to ferment. Hearing an extraordinary noise in
the cellar, she ventured to peep through the key-hole, and to her
consternation beheld about twenty strange cats, assembled, ap-
parently on the invitation of the Tortoise-shell of the family. They
were engaged in springing in succession on the barrel, plunging
their tails through the bung-hole into the delicious liquid till
saturated, and then sucking them dry. The old lady distinctly
heard her pet grimalkin say to a grave tabby gentleman, who seemed
tasting, with an air of connoisseurship, " How ! How !" to which
he replied, in sounds which seemed to her very like " More brandy."
The worthy dame fell down in a swoon, and was found by some of
the servants in a state of insensibility, with an empty brandy bottle
in her hand, and she had only sufficiently recovered to narrate the
above remarkable occurrence. The letter was ordered to be pub-
lished in their Annual Report, and many other tails of cats formed
subjects of conversation during the evening.

A learned member offered a shrewd conjecture that the common
shrew was the connecting link between quadrupeds and a certain
variety of woman-kind, and that the universal chain might again
be traced from man to the feathered race, through the medium of
the human thief, especially when he was a-robbin !

The secretary informed the society that in consequence of the
discoveries of the British Association, the giraffes had been lately
fed on lettuce leaves, which had so far imparted to their necks the
properties of caoutchouc, that they now possessed the capability of
indefinite extension. At this period of the proceedings one of the
animals stretched his neck from his stable to the council room, and
as the president was proceeding to offer some consolation on the
head of the dead lion, by descanting on the spur in his tail, put his
faee into the midst of the company, and, for the first time in his
life, cried out, " Bah !" which had the effect of breaking up thf
assembly.

no novembp:e.

Th« niffht conies on. when, braving civic law,

The little savage burns his man of straw ;

Admires tlie hero as the crackers fly,

And Jires, to emulate the glorious Guy.
With artless art he plans his victim's fall.

ggs^^^^B

rrm^

Some apple-woman dozing at her stall,

11 J_^fJj^^H|

Who, wukin<,^ cries — half conscious of the fray —

-J*— =|^^B^

" How very odd my pairs is blow'd away !''

,D.
1

Svcat lEbcnts antr ©UUJ^attcrs.

Prognostificationn.

[Crockford, Joseph Hume, Dan. O'Connell.

AliL oAINTS. DukeofCumberlaod, Lord LyndLurit, Lord Melbourne,

duly

First Day of Term. Nervous epidemic amons sundry idle gents,

concocted

3
4

v^^> ^^v,> ^^0 expect to be raised to the Bench, and
^TV* ^^C^ who are presied to " man the Fleet."

according
to art,

5
G

7
8

QUKPOIVDKR Plot, Guy Vutix blows up the House of Lords.

? *tnD

FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.

to the

What a pity 'tis this glorious fun day

fulfilment

Should chance, this year, to fall on Sunday ;

wliereof

And leave us thus without the hope

5 n D

Of burning Guy Fawkes and the Pope ;

Balking the little blackguard boys

Of all their pretty, simple joys !

ElGDTJM

I'm sure 'twill grieve them very sadly.

FUNNIDOS,

And other innocents as badlj',

hereby

pledge my

Wliose pious hate to warm and cherish,

15 : The Pope, at all events, should perish ;

For/re* have always been the test

For proving orthodoxy best.

asstrological

But stay !— perhaps, on application.

reputation,

His Holiness a dispensation

i;3^;:ar0

May grant, and, merely for this one day.

Consent to burn with Guy on Monday.

viz.

The doom

of Turkey

may be

looked for

<t8

27
28

First night of Tom and Jerry. Larla in season.

as fixed

D ^ $ T

Insurrection 0^i\\Q Poles, 1830. Ladies at the Treadmill refuse

xyp

[to have their hair cropped-

Christmas I

I837.J III

MUSIC'S POWEE.

Music hath pow'r over all the \^r]d :
By the old and young 'tis prized.

'Tis loved by the great, 'tis loved by tlie small.
And by the middle-sized.

Music hath pow'r o'er the warrior stern,

In days of repose or of strife.
In battle, the bagpipe is passing sweet :

In peace, the drum and fife.

Music hath pow'r over ladye fair.

When stars thro' heav'n are straying ;

And under her window her own true-love
On the hurdy-gurdy's playing.

Music hath power in the morn of life :

A pow'r not unfelt by any one.
No trumpet e'er sounds, in after-days,

So sweetly as youth's penny one.

Music hath pow'r in age to recal
Sweet thoughts of youth and home.

Oh ! how my heart-strings crack to hear
A boy blow thro' a comb I

Music hath pow'r over shepherd and swain,
As, at eve, when the wood-dove moans,

He softly soothes his soul to repose
With the Jew's-harp's tender tones.

Music hath pow'r in the solemn aisles,

A deep and a holy charm :
When the clerk, with a pitch-pipe symphony,

Strikes up the hundredth psalm.

Music hath pow'r in the Thespian halls :

I've been where thousands sate,
And heard a thousand pagans rise

To welcome " All round my hat."

Music hath pow'r in the city's din.

How passing sweet to list.
Amid the busy hum of men,

To tho barrel-organist

12 THE COMIC ALMANACK. L^^37

Music Lath pow'r in the forum's walls,

'Mid the gay and giddy throng.
Oh ! is there a heart that has not beat high

At the magic sound of the gong ?

Music hath pow'r on the bright, blue lake.

Oh ! how on thy lake, Geneva,
I've listen'd at eve to the far-off sound

Of the marrow-bone and cleaver !

Music hath pow'r on Hybla's hill.

When summer bees are humming;
And fair hands charm the insect band,

On frying-pan sweetly strumming.

Music hath pow'r when lady lips

Chant forth some simple ditty
Of blighted hope or hapless love : —

Providing the lady's pretty.

Music hath pow'r at morn's bright hour,

When the lark to heav'n's gate climbs.
And, at midnight, how sweet to hear *' King Cole *"'

Play'd on the parish chimes !

l£-usic hath pow'r 'neath the torrid zone,

Where love in his ardour is found ;
iind the heart of the Indian melts

At the tom-tom's am'rous sound.

Music hath pow'r on Greenland's ice ;

When guileless hearts grow gladder,
And nimble feet rejoice at the sound

Of a dozen peas in a bladder.

Music hath pow'r over brutish hearts,

To shake them to their middle.
The nightingale dies on the poet's lute ;

And a bear will dance to a fiddle.

Yes : music hath power o'er the wide, wide, world :

A power that's deep and endearing.
But music now has no power on me,

For I'm very hard of hearing.

1 1837.]

DECEMBER.

113

" Last scene of all," that ends the year,
And ushers in brave Christmas cheer.
Come, deckt as thou wert wont to be,
In festive smiles and revelry,
With roasted beef and minced pies.
And pudding of gigantic size !
Fit emblem of our wealth's vast sum ;
I'd be contented with a plwn.

(&xtdi\ lEbents antr ^titr i^atttrs.

Prognostijications.

A EISING GENIUS.

Timothy Sly's own Epistle {not the Master' n) .

Deae Dick, — I copied my school letter to Father and
Mother ten times before one was good enough, and while
the teacher is putting the capitals and flourishes in I shall
slip this off on the sly. Our examination was yesterday and
the table was covered with books and things bound in gilt
and silk for prizes but were all put away again and none of
us got none only they awarded Master Key a new fourpenny
bit for his essay on Locke because his friends live next door
and little Coombe got the tooth-ake so they would not let
him try his experiments on vital air which was very scurvy.
It didnt come to my turn so I did not get a prize but as the
company was to stop tea I put the cat in the water butt
which they clean it out in the holidays and they will be sure
to find her and we were all treated with tea snd I did not
like to refuse as they might have suspext something. Last
night we had a stocking and bolster fight after we went to
bed and I fougt a little lad with a big bolster his name is Bill
Barnacle and I knocked his eye out with a stone in my
stocking but no body knows who did it because we were all
in the dark so I could not see no harm in it. Dear Dick
send me directly your Wattses Hyms to show for I burnt
mine and a lump of cobblers wax for the masters chair on
breaking up day and some small shot to pepper the people
with my quill gun and eighteen pence in coppers to shy at
the windows as we ride through the villiage and make it one
and ninepence for there's a good many as Ive a spite against
and if father wont give it you ask mother and say its for
yourself and meet me at the Elephant and Castle and if
there's room on the coach you can get up for I want to give
you some crackers to let ofl' as soon as we get home wliile
they are all a Kissing of me

Your affectionate brother

TiMoiET Sly.

Christmas Day. Grand Council of Nice.

Innocents. Lamb's Holiday. Celebration of Lord
[Melbourne's acc[mttal.

Silvester (Daggerwood ?)

^¥%lst-^

about
which time,

^;^^

many

aldermen

will be

hung in

chains ;

D $ n uji

a dreadful
doom !

^ D 6 ni

but not
so dreadful

their final

sentence,

viz.

to be
anthropo-
phagized,

- or
r devoured!

114 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^37*

THE CRIER'S SONG.

Good people all,
Both great and small,
Come listen to my rhyme !
Let others sing the praise of Spring :
My theme's the Christmas time.
['Old up the lantern, vill you, Bill?]

Oh ! time of joy
To man and boy ;
Kich, poor ; grave, gay ; low, high :
When none but sounds of mirth are heard ;
And only criers cry.

Come, ope your gates!
The bellman waits
To claim his annual levy.
And hopes, to lighten his old heart,
You'll stand a pot of heavy.

['Ow wtr^'y sewere the cold is, to be sure! it qvite makes von's head turn
round. I might have been having a drop too much — and I'm sure I haven't :
no — not a drop — too much. I only had half a pint o' beer at Mr. Simkins's
— and a small glass of gin at Mr. Wiggina's — and the least drop as ever
vos o' visky at Mr. Higgins's — and a pot of porter at Mr. Figgins's — and a
thimbleful of brandy at Mr. Villiam Smith's — and a mug of stout at Mr,
Valter Smith's — and a glass of grog at Mr. Thomas Smith's — and the share of
a pint of purl at Mr. John Smith's — and a teacupful of cherry bounce at Vidow
Smith's — and a draught of Dublin stout at Miss Smith's — and I'm sure that
couldn't do nob'dy no harm; could it, Bill?]

There's not a stage

Of youth or age —
No spot in life's dull round.
But, like a guardian angel, there
Your faithful crier is found.

[Veil, I nOver vos out in sech a frost in my life : I can't keep my legs
the least bit as ever vos. Slippery times these is, to be sure. Hold the
lantern up, vill you, Bill?]

When first a wild

And " poor lost child,"
Seduced by Punch's laughter.
You stray in tears about the streets.
Don't I go crying after?

f Vdl you 'old the lantern stiddy. Bill ; and not keep vhirling it about in
that vay. Vot lots o' rewolving lights there is in this part of the city, to be
sure !]

In after-life.
When vixen wife
Goes running o'er the town ;
And, what is worse, runs you in debt ;
Why— don't 1 cry her down ?

i837-] T^iE crier's song. 115

[Veil, I'm blest if ever I see such printing as this : they've let the paper
slip, and printed the worses twice over.]

And when Lord Mayor,
The civic chair
With dignity you press,
For very joy, then, don't I cry —
Oh, yes ! oh, yes ! oh, yes !

I vishes them there vaits vouldn't make such a nise with their 'arps and
'orns : nob'dy can't 'ear a vord as /says: they're no gentlemen, I'm sure:
they might vait vaiting till I've done.]

Then listen all.
Both great and small.
To what your crier declares :
Be sober [Jnccu_p], true, and honest; and
You all may be Lord Mayors.

[It's no use talking — nor reading nayther — for I can't get a vord out — it's
BO werry cold ! Worses is qvite lost sitch rhymy veather as this. Bill, I see
there's music and dancing going on at the gin shop over the vay; so never
mind boxing no more to-night, but let's go and jine in the "Waults."]

SCRAPS FROM THE AISTNUAL REGISTER.

Jan. 9. — At a general meeting of the Governors of Christ's Hospital, Sir
John Soane's splendid architectural design for a new gatew^ay to the school
was adopted, with one dissentient only, to whom it was conceded, at his
special request, that his protege should be allowed to enter through a Pij>e
of Fort.

Feb. 10. — An eminent apothecary in the New Road attended at Maryle-
bone office to prosecute his errand boy, who, when sent out with medicine,
being versed in Shakspeare, used to " throw physic to the dogs," and sell the
empty bottles : the boy had spent the money in going to see the Bottle Imp-
The doctor said his suspicions were first excited by finding his patients sud-
denly getting well. His worship at first threatened the culprit with the
pillory and the black-hole ; but afterwards changed the sentence into pills
and a black draught, as more severe, and desired his master to take him home
and dose him.

March 10. — A young lady at the Bucks county ball was apparently seized
with convulsions in the midst of a quadrille. Her mamma ran to her assis-
tance, and matters were soon restored. It seems that, her waist having been
reduced to the minimum of magnitude, she was always obliged to be un-
hooked behind before she could sneeze.

Mas- 25. — An elderly Gentleman was charged with having kissed a Lady
for a Lark, in the fields near Kentish Town. He was fined five shillings for
not being a better naturalist, with an admonition from the worthy magistrate,
that most of the birds in that district belonged to the order "Pass-er."

June 23. — The splendid pair of yahoos, recently presented to the So-oh !-

logical Society by the Duke of C , have shown such extraordinary apt-

Il6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1837.

ness, under tlie Influenco of example and good society, that on Sunday last,
after having been submitted to the respective operations of Mr, Stulz and
Madame Carson, they wcro allowed to walk out among the fashionables, when
they deported themselves so well, that none but those in the secret could dis-
tinguish them from the rest of the company.

July 15. — The torrents which ushered in the morning led many to believe
that, as this was the first day of St. Swithin's re{g7i, so he had also selected
it for his coronation ; and in this they were confirmed by the streaming of
the people along the streets, and the wringing of the Belles.

Aug. 26. — At the meeting of the British Association, at Bristol, Professor
Buckland announced, as an indisputable fact, that the antediluvians ke}>t
cows, and vended their produce as we do ; for, in the plains of Bul-garia,
he had recently discovered a petrified milk walk, with a fragment of a fossil
pump-handle at the end of it.

Sept. 1. — A sporting Cockney was unlucky enough to hit a cow in the
calf of her leg, at Hornsey. She was no sooner in a limp than he was in a
hobble, and he found to his cost that leg of beef is not always to be peppered
with impunity.

Sept. 12. — ilr. Curtis announced his intention of standing for the Borough
of Ui/e, in the event of a dissolution of Parliament, and made his opening
speech to the voters amidst cries of " Sar I JEJar!"

Oct. 10. — " Found, a healthy male Infant," &c., &c. That ancient sine
qua non to persons crossing the seas, a child's caul, is now a mere drug in the
market. Instead of making it a compagnon de voyage, numbers cross the
seas to avoid it. A child's call, in high preservation, may be picked up on
any moonlight night, in any blind alley where you see " Rubbish to be shot
here." A handbill headed " Desertion," formerly a monstrosity of un-English
Ehape, is now a forme that the parish printer always keeps standing; and
the beadles dryly observe, that they are become wet nurses to the children of
half the parish. The Honourable Commissioners of the mechanical powers,
Messrs. Leave-er, Wedge, and Screw, are indefatigable in fulfilling the in-
tentions of their employers who have devised this happy state of things, to
save themselves and their hopeful heirs from the unpleasant necessity of
answering " A child's call."

Nov. 2. — A resolution was carried in the Common Council not to allow
any more money for summer excursions on the water. The minority said
they dreaded the vengeance of the ladies, and many members returned
home in a very unhappy state, looking anxiously about for inscriptions of
"Broken crockery mended here;" for they knew, by past experience, that
man is the vessel that goes to pot when it oomes to family jars.

Our revels condaded, a merry farewell
To all hut afeio in-eclaimahle sinners,

Who, if they were Jwnest, might happen to tell
That they\e had their deserts, thd' ivc've ruin'd their dinners.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For 1 838,

Il8 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

MANNERS MADE EASY;

OK, HOW TO COBBLE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SO"w's EAU.
" Tafifxov av8 ^nivaye."

Punctuality is essential to the character of a Gentleman. Early
in the New Year send peremptorily for all your bUls. If they do
not arrive in a day or two, send again. By this exactness, you
give your tradesmen confidence, and ensure their civility for some
time, in the hope of a settlement. Having thus prevented any
increase of charges, you can pay at your leisure. I have heard of
a gentleman whose aversion to the sight of paper ruled in money
columns had been indulged in as long as was consistent with his
personal safety, who thus addressed a creditor for whom the shut
sesame of " call again" had lost its charm. " After having for
" many years neglected my affairs, I have at length awakened to a
" sense of my error, and have resolved, by a vigorous system of
" economy, to retrieve them. Method, Sir, I now perceive that
" method is everything. From this day I set apart a certain por-
" tion of my income sacred to the payment of my debts." — " I am
" delighted. Sir, to hear of your noble resolution." — " I have made
" a schedule of all I owe, and shall begin at the top and persevere
" undeviatingly in regular though slow succession towards tho
" bottom : — so that you see, my dear Mr. Figgins" — " Sir, my name
" is Wiggins" — " Wiggins ! I had quite forgot ; but I am sorry to
" hear it, very sorry — for my list is alphabetical. Had it been
" Figgins, or even Higgins, there would have been some chance for
*' you, but the W's are so very low down. — No, I cannot say when
"I shall reach the W's."

If you wish to refuse the request of an old friend or a poor rela-
tion, but can hardly screw your courage to the sticking-place, put
on a pair of tight shoes, and you will find it perfectly easy.

Never introduce your friends to strangers without their consent,
nor permit such a liberty towards yourself, especially about No-
vember. Many have been entrapped into the hands of John Doe
and Richard Roe thereby, unawares.

Choose rainy days to pay your visits on. You wiU thus show
your sincerity, and be less likely to miss callers at home. Take
your cloak and hat into the drawing-room — to leave them below
would be like one of the family — bul^ above all, carry in your
umbrella; you have no right to leave it streaming in another
person's hall.

When you visit your maiden aunt, as you value you legacy
expectant, preserve an amiable face, and keep you hands and feet
to yourself, while her favourite tom cat reposes in you the height of
his friendship by looking you full in the face and vigorously stretch-
ing himself by the aid of his ten talons hooked through your tight
and tender kerseymeres.

1 838. J MANNERS MADE EASY. II9

Though you may be a Nabob, or as rich as one, be not too
anxious to parade your black servants before your friends, for both
your sakes ; they have, in general, two bad qualities — " stealing
and giving odour." — Shakspeare, hem !

Never marry a widow (unless her first husband was hanged), or
she will be always drawing unpleasant comparisons.

Never refuse a pinch of snuff, but do not become a snuff-taker :
it is paying through the nose for a little pleasure.

Avoid argument with Ladies. In spinning a yarn among Silks
and Satins, a man is sure to be Worsted.

It is common to speak contemptuously of tailors and dress-
makers. This is bad taste ; none but a rat would run down the
sewers.

When a lady sits down to the pianoforte, always volunteer to
turn over the leaves. To be able to read music is of no conse-
quence, as you will know that she is at the bottom of a page when
she stops short. If you turn over two leaves at once, you will
probably have the secret thanks of most of the company.

When your friend enters the room instantly rise, and, though
there may be half a dozen unoccupied chairs at hand, draw him
with gentle force into your own. You will thus show the warmth
of your friendship ; for a damp seat may be as bad as a damp bed.

In driving out never make a lady treasurer of the turnpike
trusts ; — or, when you want twopence for a toU, you have to wait
while the reticule string is snapped in two ; then, out comes a
lace-edged white muslin worked pocket-handkerchief, a pair of
lemon-coloured kid-gloves, a smelling-bottle, a bunch of keys, and,
to crown all, a five-shilling piece to change. All this time you are
stuck fast in the jaws of a turnpike gate, the Brighton Quicksilver
in your rear, driver raving at your back, leaders snorting over your
shoulder.

Never plan a pic-nic, on pain of skulking about the town for six
months after, dreading to meet, at every turn, the infuriated looks
of the bereaved parents of half a dozen little innocents in white
frocks and trousers, who have been washed away by an inundation ;
or to encounter the menacing glances of budding heroes, fierce in
the rudiments of moustaches and chin-tufts, whose Celias and
Delias have dropped into a decline through sitting on the damp
grass at your instigation.

Never hesitate to take a friend with you when you go out to
dinner. Disappointments are so frequent that the lady of the
house may perhaps be glad of a spare gentleman to fill up a gap.

In carving, remember that " 'twere well it were done quickly."
He must be, therefore, the best carver who soonest fills the
greatest number of plates. Waste no time in asking if people
like a wing or a leg, this bit or that — many do not know their
minds on any subject. Besides, as they cannot all have the
prime cuts, nothing but discontent can ensue from giving them
the choice.

As too much of a good thing is morally impossible, fill the

120 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

plates well — tlie delicate can leave half, and the modest are
saved the unpleasantness of a second application ; besides making
the hostess yonr eternal friend, if, through your management in
Jie outset, aome of the dishes go away uncut for another day.

Always retarn into the dish, before it goes from table, any
j^rtion of a ragout that your friends may leave in their plates.
]ij is ten to one if your careless servants think of doing so after-
wards.

Instead of waiting for the dessert, let your children come in
with the first course — they cannot be used to good society too
.oon. They mil furnish topics for conversation, and if any present
be vulgar enough to require a second supply of soup, when the
tureen is at low water mark, they will probably relieve your
embarrassment by upsetting it, and so dispose of the question.

Help the darlings fii'st — they are dearer to you than mere
visitors, to whom you might, otherwise, inadvertently transfer
some delicate bits on which the little cherubs had set their minds.

Do not detain the toothpick long after dinner — it's unpleasant
to be kept waiting for it.

if a lady request you to select an apple for her, bite a piece
out. How can you recommend it without ?

Always wipe the brim of a pot of porter with your sleeve, if
you are about to hand it to a lady.

HIEKOGLYPHICUM IN FUTURO.

The Queen of Hearts, Yirgo, a bright constellation,

(That she'll turn up a trump is the hope of the nation),

By a whole pack of outlandish knaves who are suing,

Is sorely beset, for she shrinks from their wooing.

Each holds out a circle in wliich to entrap her,

And ev'ry one hopes that he shall kidnap her.

But occult operations behind the state curtain

Shew an Eljph, that makes their success very uncertain.

Now, look to the left, and you'U see that EgaKte,

That awful French thing, wants to puU down Begality ;

And, much to the horror of all Christian people,

It tugs at the Church, — or, at least, at the steeple.

A sage-looking wight, who is marking the " Movement,"

Seems to think it by no means would be an improvement ;

But as prophecies often show forth strange vagaries.

And, nine times in ten, are explained by contraries.

Let us hope we shall find that a people's afiection

Is the very best remedy 'gainst disaffection.

May it crush the foul traitors who love revolution,

And preserve aU that's jfood in our wise constitution.,

1838.] JANUARY. 121

JACK FROST.

Haii., Snow ! not the white head at Snow and Paul's,

But speaking city-wise, that oddity
Which rises higher as the more it falls,

A paradoxiul commodity.

The schoolboy's long expected an-nu-al ; —
Abandon' d now are wicket, bat, and ball ;
Gradus, degraded — manual, underfoot —
Eebate, at discount — routed, cubic-root.

The pelted village idol, by the way.

With hideous grin uplifts his hoary pate,
To make a parson swear, or poacher pray.

Or frighten some old woman passing late.

Perchance a supple New Poor-Law Commissiuner,

On plans of pauper diet deep intent.
May start and think of some white-haired petitioner,
Turned out to starve by act of parliament.

But what cares he for hot, cold, wet, or dry ?
Thanks to the Whigs, he gets his sal-a-ry.

12 Lavater d. 1801.

" I think I've seen your face before.''

"WERRY LIKE."

2G Botany Bay colonized, 1788.

Rejoice and praise, in merry lays,

The wisdom of the wigs.
Which kindly found, on classic ground,

A paradise for prigs.

Assembled there, in talent rare.
Each knave salutes a brother.
And friendly yet, their wit they whet.
By practice on each other.

31 Young Pretender d. 1788. N.B. Race nat ex inct.

122 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

MY DANCING DAYS ARE OVER.
By the Gentleman in the White Waistcoat.

My dancing days are over now,

My legs are just like stumps ;
My fount of youth dried up, alas !

Wont answer to the pumps.
Yet who so fond of jigs as I?

Of hornpipes such a lover?
Of gallops, valses, — but, alas !

My dancing days are over.

In feats of feet, what foot like mine

(Excuse me if vain-glorious :)
Like mine for grace and dignity

No toe was more notorious.
Oh ! then what joy it was to hear

Boys Wife or Kitty Clover !
But Drops of Brandy now won't do r

My dancing days are over.

My feet seem fastened down with screwa,

That were so ghb before ;
And my ten light fantastic toes

Seem toe' -nailed to the floor.
I cannot bear a ball-room now,

Where once I lived in clover ;
Terpsichore quite made me sick ;

My dancing days are over.

I used to dance the New Year in.

And dance the Old Year out ;
Ah ! little did I then reflect

That chacim a son gout,
All summer thro' I skipped and hopped,

At Margate, Ramsgate, Dover.
The year was then one spring — but now

My dancing days are over.

1 838. J MY DANCING DAYS ARE OVER. 1 23

I'm eighteen stone and some odd pounds:

So all my neighbours say.
I'll go this moment to the scale ;

But I can't halancez.
When in a ball room I appear,

As soon as they discover
My presence, off the girls all fly,

My dancing days are over.

I'm quite as fat as Lambert was,

Or any old maid's spaniel ;
And when I walk along the street

They cry, " A second Daniel !"
And if I go into a shop

Of tailor, hatter, glover.
They always open hoth the doors :

My dancing days are over.

My college chums oft jeer at me.

And cry, " Lord, what a porpus !
Who'd take you for a Johnian ?

You seem to be of Corpus !"
The stage-coachmen all look as if

They wished me at Hanover :
The safety cabs don't think me safe :

My dancing days are over.

My great pier glass, that used to show

My waist so fine and thin ;
Now, turn whichever way I will,

Won't take my body in.
My form, that once a parasol

Would always amply cover,
A gig umbrella now requires :

My dancing days are over.

In vain my hand I offer now ;

Away each damsel stalks ;
Chalk'd floors no longer may I walk.

So I must walk my chalks.
For me there is no woman-kind :

None wait me now for lover.
Maid, widow, wife, all fly — they knpw

My dancing days are over !

124

FEBllCTARY.

[1838.

VALENTINE'S DAY.

It's very odd, and even so, and why I can't discover,
That I should wait, at Cupid's gate, the knocking of a lover ;
There's old Miss Young, with wily tongue, has tickled Captain Sly ;
The wrinkled frump ^\dll bear his stump, to get a Leg-a-cy.
There's little Brown, I set him down for sure among the shymen,
He is, altho' so short a beau, drawn in the knot of High-men.
And Corp'ral Scout, to buy him out, the Widow does not falter,
It hurts her pride that he should ride so long without a haltar :
But pert Miss Green, just turn'd sixteen, she need not use such speed,
To make a hash with Count Moustache — 'tis Baby-work indeed.

14 Blackstone d. 1780.

Judge Blackstone was a learned judge,

As wise as ever sat.
He wore his head wdthin his wig,

His wig within his hat.

Judge Blackstone made a learned book

On subjects, and on kings.
And many reasons sage he gave

For many foolish things.

And many a wily way he found

For lawyers to get fat in,
And common sense, and English sound,

He smothered in dog-latin.

And simple ways made strange to see,
As clients, to their loss tell ;

And many things that law may be,
Altho' they be not Gos-pel.

But since (see Job) we are but worms,

Our destiny we fill.
No doubt, in being gobbled up

By some long lawyer's bill.

28 Hare Hunting ends. « X^emo est Jiceres t?ii?€7JfiV.''— Blackstone.

1838.] 125

FEOSTFAIR:

A LAMENT. BY TOM TUG.

Vell, blow me tight, but here's a go ! I can't hardly believe my eyes,
It's a rig'lar Bartlemy Fair afloat, vith its stalls, and peep-shows, and t'ys,
And vonderful lambs vithout niver a head, and vonderfuUer pigs with three ;
And ships a svimmin' about in the air, instead of on the water, vere they

orts to be ;
And chaps a selling peppermint to keep the cold out, vich is jest the vorst

thing under the sun ;
And people a having their names printed on cards, vot can't read 'em ven

they're done ;
And lads and lasses a dancing and singing, and up to all manner 0' queer raps ;
And fat sheep a roasting whole, but not a bit for us poor amphibilous chaps ;
And fellers a playing at nine pins on the ice, vot Can't stand on their own two ;
And ticket porters a stopping to see Punch, instead of going on their arrans,

as they orts to do ;
And firemen a cutting about here and there, as big and grand as any lord or

squire.
Vith their red coats and badges — I s'posc they're afeard 0' someb'dy's setting

the Thames afire —
And booths up and down of all sorts and sizes, till it looks like a Boothia

Felix quite,
Vith the moniment for the North Pole — that is, ven the fog and smoke '11

let you git a sight —
And the turnpike men off the warious bridges, vith nothink in the vorld to do

all day
But go to sleep on their rusty turnstiles, for in course people ain't sitch

spoons as to pay
To pass thro' their rewolving plate-warmers, ven they can go over the va tor free ;
Vich I don't care so much for the bridge chaps, 'cause they does a good deal

o' harm to we.

As for Billingsgate Market, the trade there's downright flat, ruinated and

dead ;
The fine fresh soles can't come up to be cried, and so they cries cast-metal

skates instead.
I alvays thought sitch things vos regilated by act of parlyment,and proclaimed

by the Lord Mayor ;
I knows a bit o'Burnscs's Justice, I does; and my opinion is, it aint a legle fair.
It's a nice lookout, ain't it, for a young man vot the vater's his only bread?
I'm blowed if I don't think I shall cut the river, and take to the land instead.
And labour for the ad wantage 0' science — body-snatching, I mean — for where's

the harm, ifegs !
Ven their ain't no further demand for skulls, to try to do a little bisness in

arms and legs ?
As for the vind, I think it '11 never be nothink but due nor' again :
[ often looks up at the weathercock, but, bless your heart, it's all in vane!
Poor fellers 1 as Shakospcar says, our occipation's rig'lar done up, and no

mistake,
Vot vith von thing or another (vich von misfortin, you know, alvays brings

another in i^s wake).

J26 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838,

^ don't like to say nothink unliberal or unvatermanlike, but this I vill say,

the ruin of us is
Them tarnation, smoking, steaming, fizzing, pothering, unnattaral-looking

water-buses.
Unnattaral, I say— for who ever meant wessels to go on wheels ? or a nasty,

long, curly, black.
Stinking, pothery pennant o' smoke to take place 0' the British Union

Jack?
And as if that vosn't enough, to spoil our trade and set all our poor old

hearts a breaking,
Mr. Brunei must come to finish us up, poor wretches ! vith his horrid under-
taking.
Mister B. is a wery ambitious man, that's vot he is, and his work a wery

great bore :
But, thank heav'n ! it'll be a long time before his tunnel (whatever his fame

may do) reaches from shore to shore.

I never gets a sight 0' nothink good now — beefsteaks, nor anything else

that's nice:
No ingins (except steam ingins), and you may count my ribs (tho' you can't

the ribs of ice).
I did a job for a confectioner t'other day, as vos a trying to lam to skate.
But his heels tript up right bang, and down he fell on the back of his pate.
Veil, up I vips him in my arms, and carries him straight oflF home in a

trice.
1 did think I should get a glass of grog for that job, but, says he, " Von't you

take a ice ?''
" No, Sir," says I, walking off wery indignant, and looking jest as sour as

Bour crout,
"Van I takes a drop 0' liquor I al'ys has it ' varm vith' — ^I doesn't like ' cold

vithout.' "

But it's no use talking, for talking only makes one more hungrier and more

drier :
And the heat of argiment's wery unlike the heat of a good kitchen fire.
I'm as dry as an old boat, vot ain't good for nothink in life but to knock up

and bum ;
And so I sees plain enough suicide's the only side on vich I can turn.
Bless you, I'm as hollow as a drum, and as thin as any poor devil of a church

mouse ;
So here goes for the fatal plunge — what's a plunge more or less to a man as

hasn't got a sous f

Here goes — but, oh, crikey ! vhere am 1 to go to find a drop o' vater un-
froze ?

Veil, that's the cuttingest thing of all — to think as a man can't put a end
to his woes

In his own native element, as he vos bred and born to, and lived in, man
and b'y,

Uppards of thirty-six year come next Midsummer (vich it never vill come
again to I).

Veil, I've tuck my leave of the river, and my poor miserable little fuuny, so
pretty and red :

I shall never shoot Lunnnn Biidge no more, bo I'll go and shoot myself
instead.

1838.] 12^

THE GOOD OLD TIMES.

Let others sing of times to come —

Of joys that never will !
My song shall be of days gone by :

So, boys, a bumper fill
To the good old times ! oh, the good old times !

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts,

And life went merrily.

In the days of youth, when all was flowers,

And ev'ry month was May,
And my spirits were light as the thistle down

And my heart was always gay,
I loved a fair and gentle maid

With all the constancy
That a mutual flame in youth can inspire :
But, ftlas ! she jilted me.

Oh, the good old times! the good old times

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

Friends of to-day, how vain are they !

The partners of an hoar,
That fortune gathers round a man.
As sunshine wakes the flow'i*.
My friend and I, in infancy,

Play'd 'neath the same old tree :
One home was ours for long, long years,
Till my friend arrested me.

Oh, the good old times ! the good olil times !

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

My country's cause was always mine —

Britannia, ocean's bride ! —
A patriot's name my dearest boast,

A patriot's heart my pride.
My leader was "the people's friend ;"

'Twas thus he gain'd my vote :

128 THE COMIC ALMANACK. I'^SS

But they put him on the pension list,
And the patriot tui-n'd his coat.

Oh, the good old times ! the good old times !

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts.
And life went merrily.

*Twas then I felt that honour dwelt

In noble ancestry ;
That still in high and gentle blood

Some secret virtues lie.
My champion now I joy'd to hear

Eail at the parvenu :
But I soon found Mm on the Civil List —
With his wife and cousins too.

Oh, the good old times ! the good old times !

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts.
And life went merrily.

Disgusted with the city's vice

I to the country sped.
A simj")le husbandman, my life

'Mid flocks and herds I led.
The livelong day I'd pipe and play.
Or on some thyme-bank sleep :
But at night they broke into my folds,
And stole my cows and sheep.

Oh, the good old times ! the good old times!

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

They told me 'twas my single state

That harass'd thus my life ;
And to the altar soon I led

A young and lovely wife.
Oh ! then what joys, what hopes were mine .

Life seem'd a brighter heaven :
But my wife eloped with her cousin Tom,
And left me infants seven.

Oh, the good old times! the good old times!

Their like we ne'er shall see :
The world was full of honest hearts,
And life went merrily.

1838.;

MARCH.

129

TAFFY'S ANNIVEESAEY.

Come, Liberality ! — I hail the name,

Whether 'tis " all for love," or love for fame —

Whether to strike the world is your desire,

In printed lists of donors dubbed "Esquire;"

Whether to govern in those stately domes

W^hcre AVant's pale children sigh in vain for homes.

And few but those who're blest with wealth and kin.

And means to keep them out, can struggle in ;

Whether you boldly sport your own bank-notes,

Or beg about for other people's votes ;

Whether you fill the presidential chair.

Or join the throng because a Lord is there ;

Or, like some Lords, whose plan is rather funny.

Put down your name, but never pay the money.

But if, like some, the only certain way

To reach your heart does through your stomach lay.

Then mount the leek, a true Saint David's son.

And let the fund afford a little fun,

'Mid warring knives, and charge of glasses' din.

Turn out your purse, and be well lined within.

Tough tho' the mutton, as a saddle, there,

Like Bardolph, you can eat, and "eat, and swear,"

And doom, with aching teeth and furious looks.

The dinner to the sire of all bad cooks . —

But now behold, the dishes clear'd and gone,

Three dismal men who twine three tunes in one,

And send forth sounds, with faces sad to see,

Call'd by the chair, " The favour of a Glee.'' —

Appealing lists appal you now, and they

Are nail'd for pounds, who screw for pence all day.

But hear the sweet applauses of the crowd,

When Mister Secretary reads aloud

That Smith or Jones has put down One Pound One;

Then, if you've luck to get a hat, begone.

Unless you longing linger near the spot

To hear "Should auld acquaintance be forgot."

I IMAECII ■

01* Mind

ill the

Privileged

Classes :

Marquess of
W—

and other
such asses.

* 5 ni ?

n D S 6

MAECH

Musical Science

also

'mong high

and low,

who jump

Jim Crow;

9 ^ b ^

the force of
taste

(? nr $ ^

can

no further

CO !

130 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

An Irish Melloio-day.

It was Paddy CMurrough that lov'd Mistress Casey :
In ribbons for her he would squander his pelf;

And he swore that without her he'd never be aisy,
And sent her big praties to roast for herself.

He said she was " Yanus, and Mars, and Apolly,"
And twenty more goddesses up in de skies :

And never tired praising her swate little ankle,

And her swate httle mouth, and her swate little eyes.

Says he, " Let de rest git dere bunches o' roses.
And stick 'em so iligant top o' dere head :

Och ! Nora don't nade sich bamboozlificashin :
Her own purty locks is as bright an' as red.

" So, Nora, my darlint, now take pity on me— •
Ochone ! but 'tis luv is de terrible smart !

An och, bodderashin ! 'tis Misther 0'Cui)id

Wid his little shilaly is breakin' my heart !"

'Twas Lent when Pat said so, — but Nora said, *' No, Sir;"
She knew 'twas no use at that time to consent ;

But by Mothering Sunday Pat found her much softer,
And before Lent was over, he saw her relent.

The day was soon fixed — Easter Monday, be sure.
The time seem'd to Pat a snail's gallop to go ;

" By de hokey !" says he, " is it fast days dey call 'em ?
For fast days I tiuk dey move murtherous slow."

At length Easter Monday arrived bright and gay.

Saint Patrick's Day too — nothing could be more pal

To chapel away they all went — in a huss :

For a wedding, what carriage so proper as that ?

;838.] ST. PATRICK'S DAY. 131

So the knot was soon happily tied — tho' I know

There are some in the world think it wrong thus to tie men;

That the poor have no right to get married at all ;

And that low men have no sort of bus'ness with Hymen.

Eeturn'd, they sat down to an iligant feast :
An divil the knife or the fork that lies idle ;

There's praties in plenty, pig-puddings, and pork,

And a saddle of mutton, to match with the bridal.

And then comes the dance, and the drink, and the toast :
" Pat Murrough, your health — you're a broth of a b'y

Och ! how tipsy they were ! e'en the clargy himself,
Like Pity, was seen with a drop in his eye.

Then in comes Mick Larry, Pat Murrough's old rival.
With a lot of his friends from Sev'n Dials direct ;

And och ! what a scrimmige and murther intirely !
And then the police comes, the peace to protect.

Then straight to the beak Paddy Murrough is taken :
Mick Larry himself 'tis appears against Pat ;

Says the beak, "You're with bigamy charged, Paddy Murrough !'
" Och, big'my ! 'tis little I know sure of that !"

" What is it, your wurtchip ?" says Paddy.— Says he,

" 'Tis a serious offence 'gainst the laws of the nation —

To marry two wives, which is bigamy call'd —

And the punishment death — or, at least, transportation.

" So take leave of your spouses, for I must commit you !"
" Stop a minnit, my jewel !" says Paddy, says he :

" Sure I know'd very well what your wurtchip has tould me ;
And so, to be safe, I got married to three !"

K 2

132

APRIL.

[1838.

THE DARBY DAY.

Come, Bet, my pet, and Sal, my pal, a buss, and then farewell —

And Ned, the primest ruffling cove that ever nail'd a swell —

To share the swag, or chaff the gab, we'll never meet again,

The hulks is now my bowsing crib, the hold my dossing ken.

Don't nab the bib, my Bet, this chance must happen soon or later,

For certain sure it is that transportation comes by natur ;

His lordship's self, upon the bench, so downie his white wig in,

Might sail with me, if friends had he to bring him up to priggin ;

And is it not unkimmon fly in them as rules the nation,

To make us end, with Botany, our public edication ?

But Sal, so kind, be sure you mind the beaks don't catch you tiipping.

You'll find it hard to be for shopping sent on board the shipping:

So tip your mauns afore we parts, don't blear your eyes and nose,

Another grip, my jolly hearts — here's luck, and off we goes !

SETTLIXG FOR THE HOAX.

3 Low Sunday. " Facile est descensus — "
8 Sir E. Peel resigned, 1835.

To all the virtues of exalted station.
He adds the greater one of resignation.

15 Clock with Sun.

Caution. — Never undertake to get a lady's watch
repaired, or you will be held responsible
for its defects ever after.

24 Geological Society instituted, 1826.

Kind friends in need are they who make no bones,
When paupers ask for bread, to give them stones

1838.] J33

ODE TO SIE ANDEEW AGNEW:

AND ALL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN.

Sir Andrew Agnew, oh ! tboa scourge of sinners,
Tliou legislator against vice
And nice
Hot Sunday dinners !
What shall we do
Now thou art gone — thou and Sir Oswald* too —
To make men fast and pray
Each seventh day ?
Who now shall save us from sin's burning embers ?
Now that we've lost our two old Marroiobone members ?
But seriously, Sir Andrew, do you think
There's so much harm in meat and drink ?
That a hot steak
Ate once a week
Shows a depraved state of society ?
That frizzled bacon
Argues a soul mistaken ?
And — pray don't start ! —
That devil'd kidneys show a dev'lish heart ?
That there is irreligion in hot fry ?
And that cold pie alone is pie-ty ?
If so, begin, Sir, with the rich : ask these
To give up their ragouts, and stews, and fricassees.
I guess they'd think your application rather strange ;

But if you loill work out your Bill,
Believe me, you must take a wider kitchen range.
Then, Sir, you think it wrong
In 'bus or cab to ride along
The streets,
Intent on rural treats
At Hampstead, Islington, or Turnham Green ;
But have you never seen
The crowd
Of knights and dames, on palfreys fierce and proud,

That fill
Hyde Park o' Sundays? I don't wish to tease,
But, Sir, for riders such as these.
There ought, I think, to be a rider to your Bill.
No doubt it's very wrong, and shows but little nous,
To go a tea-drinking, and making merry
At th' Eagle, Bosemary Branch, or Yorhshire Stingo; —
Chalk Farm's as vile, by jingo!
There's something very black about White Conduit House.
Richmond is sad ;
And Twickenham's as bad :
And Hampton Wick is very wicked — very.
But, Sir, — excuse the freedom of my pen —
D'ye think that they
Who spend the day

♦ Sir 0. Moseley, who lost hig election, they say, from havinsr seconded Sir Andrews
Biuidav Bill.

1.^4 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

At Tattersall's, in laying wagers
On Derbys, Oaks, and Legers,
Are better men ?
And then, tlie Clubs !— where gambling of all kinds,

And vices such as daylight never saw,
Are carried on behind cast-metal blinds —

For these, Sir, can't you frame some new Club Law ?
Then, Sir, I know
You vote rat-killing low ;
And wouldn't sit
For worlds in the Westminster Pit.
And so no doubt it is — extremely shocking ;

But so is cocking !
And I have known full many a noble lord
(I have, upon my word,)
Fight cocks upon this day :
So pray,
Before for us poor folks you legislate,
J ust try to quell this main-ia in the great.
Then music drives you mad:
And, Scotchman tho' you be,
I know
You wouldn't suffer even a Scotch fiddle ;

And, as for " down the middle,"
And such-like tricks of Dame Terpsichore,
I've often heard you say they're quite as bad :
And that all persons merit a sound whipping
Who are found tripping.
{Apropos —
How you'd be shock'd in France,
To see. Sir, a whole country dance !)
Mind ! I don't say but that all this is wrong ;
But is it worse. Sir, than the Sunday song
Of Grisi, Albertazzi, Betts, Eubini,

Lablache, or Tamburini ?
And would it not be better first to wipe out
This sin among the high and mighty of the State,
Before you put the poor man's pipe out ?

For my part, I think Vivi tu
As wicked as All round my hat — don't you ?
And really I don't know
How you can stop Jim Crow,
And let the rich
Carry their concerts, Sir, to such a concert pitch.
And, if. Sir, I may speak
My mind, your plan to gag our week
(The' done, perhaps, with very best intention)
Is but a weah invention.
Besides, Sir, here's a poser, —
At least to me it seems a closer,
And shows a shocking lack of legislative skill —
If nothing, SJr, 's to work from Saturdays to Mondays,
Pray how's your Bill
To work on Sundays ?

1838.1

MAY.

135

BOWING AND HAEEOWING.

Oh ! the Archers of Frogshot assemble to-day,
And the fame of their doings has spread a great way;
In lacings and facings they're beaten by no men,
They've plenty of Beaux there, but very few Bow-men.
There are Misses to hit, who no longer will tarry.
And many Maid Mari-ans willing to marry ;
There's a Eobin Hood fierce with nobody to fear him,
And Tell shoots the apple of eyes that come near him ;
There are Foresters, famous for eating a dinner,
And prizes, all sizes, but wanting a winner,
And Dames in a pet if they get their pet-dog shot ;
And these are the deeds of the Archers of Frogshot.

13 Edmund Kean d. 1833.

AMATEUR THEATEICALS.

Behold the beardless Flat, a fancied Rean ;
The mawkish maid a stilted heroine ;
Tailors, retailers, spread dismay around,
Heroes, by " ®f)is EnUcnturf," basely bound,
/ ^ Braving the Chamberlain's portentous fi-own,
^^^fv^' ^'^^^^^i ^^® baton, or mount the paper crown ;
(^ Eenonnce their civic fetters for a throne ;
For horses barter Mngdoms not their own ;
And find too late, — too soon, perhaps, by far, —
The stage a half-way step from bench to bar.
That Queen, in satin train, was trained in camlet,
And he carves Ham who nightly cuts up Hamlet ;
The fi'ail Jane Shore perchance is no impostor ;
While Gloster's Duke by day serves double Gloster :
And 'tis but heaping Pelion on Ossa,
If Boss, the barber, shines as Barbarossa.
Then cheer up, Covent Garden ! courage, Drury !
Misfortune's storms in vain may vent their fury.
When counter, kitchen, garret, bench, and stall,
Send forth such champions to avert your fall.

31 Joe Grimaldi d. 1836.

Farewell, tran scendant Joe !
Thou mirth-inspiring wight !
Who, tho' thou wert so Grim-all-day,
Yet mad'st us laugh at night.

MAY

the grand

Coronation

give joy

to the

Nation !

^ 9> til

MAY

the
Queen

live

for ever !

huzza !

^ ^ A

MAY

Tories

and

"Whiga

run

no more

of their

rigs !

and
John Bull

have
less taxes

to i^ay !

136 THE COMIC ALMANACK. | 1 838.

JOHN BUDD AND SUKET SIMS.

Susanna Sims was under nurse

To little Messieurs Cole ;
And Jolin Budd was a gardener,

That lived at Camherwoll.
And John would often say to Sne,

" We're for each other made :
For vy — ain't I a nursery-man,

And you a nursery -maid ?"

He said she was his pink, his rose,

His Clarhia Grandifiora :
And swore no love had ever root

Like to the love he bore her.
Yet still, whenever he talk'd thus,

She look at him quite gruff.
And " Come now, Mister Budd," she'd say,

*' None of your garden stuff!"

And every year, as spring came round,

With flow'rs of every hue,
He'd cull the fairest of them all, '

And carry them to Sue.
But all in vain for him to bring

The sweetest buds of May ;
For cruel Susan still turned up

Her nose at his nosegay.

Vainly in search of blossoms rare

He wandered to and fro :
She spurn'd them all ; and every bloom

To him was a fresh blow.
And when he'd boast his pretty birds.

Their songs and merry freaks.
She'd say, " John Budd, I doesn't care

A twopence for the beaks."

The fact was this, another swain

Had won fair Susan's heart —
The fancy-bread man, Sammy Twist —

For him she felt love's smart.
And still, while " Oh ! 'tis love, 'tis love !"

Was running in John's head,
Susanna Sims would sing, " Oh! tell

Me where is fancy hread .'"'

No doubt it was a puzzling state

To be in — that of Sue :
The baker's man was very poor,

John Budd was well to do.

1838.J JOHN BUDD AND SUKEY SIMS. T T

One hour she'd say, " I'll marry Sam ;"

Another, " No, I wont."
Poor Susan Sims ! Love whisper'd " Dough ;"

But Interest said " Don't."

At last Sue quite made up her mind

In favour of the baker ;
And sent him word to say that he

Might come next day and take her.
Away they stole at early dawn :

"And now, my pretty puss,"
Says he, " we'U have a cab." Says she,

" No ; I prefers a buss."

They get in one of Shillibeer's,

And rode along Fleet Street,
(So call'd, I am told, because in it

You never can go fleet,)
When " Crikey ! here's a pretty start !

Yere are you going, miss,
Yith that ere married man ?" sang out

The tiger of the 'bus.

Then Susan gave a shriek, and fell

Just like a piece of lumber ;
And Sammy blew the tiger up.

And swore he'd take his number.
And then Sue open'd half an eye.

And cried, in accents crack'd,
" Oh, Sam ! how could you guilty be

Of such a marriage act ?"

Then Sammy for the Doctor ran —

At least he told 'em so.
He went : but as for coming back,

Alas ! it was " no go."
And when at last poor Sue got home,

As pale as any lily,
She found a letter from John Budd :

And thus ran Johnny's biUy : —

" I seed you get into the 'bus,

To be another's wife :
And so resolved to go and end

My wegetable life.
I've tuk an ounce of pois'nous stuff;

And when these lines you see,
Dear Susan, I shall be no more —
Alas !—

Your humble B— ."

38 tTUNE. [1838.

THE MAETYEDOM OF ST. PAUL'S.

Oh, Charity ! celestial dame ! — I cannot call tliee maid,
While ev'ry year thy children clear make such a grand parade.
Ah ! 'tis a glorious sight to see thy little pauper brats
Parade the streets of Bahyhn like demi-drowned rats.
Before the sun's begun to run, they're startled from their nest,
And by their anxious mothers in the parish fin'ry dressed ;
And how those mothers' hearts must leap with gratitude to see
Their offspring all so nicely clothed in that smart livery !
The girls all clad in worsted gowns, mob caps, and aprons white,
Like Lilliputian grandmothers, — a venerable sight :
The boys in pretty blanket coats of green or brick-dust red.
With tawny leather breeches, and a thrum cap on their head ;
And then that splendid pewter badge, worth all the rest beside ;
No medal worn by hero could inspire more honest pride.
While to the neighbours they're a mark of pleasant observation,
How must their happy mothers bless a parish education !
It is so very handy too, when in a crowd they're brawling,
To pick them out so easily, and save a world of bawling.

Oh ! merry day of jubilee to every little sinner,
When ev'ry one receives a bun and goes without a dinner.
Ah, happy England ! thou'rt indeed a charitable nation,
Thy charities thou dost without the slightest ostentation ;
How proud it makes a Briton feel to view this glorious sight,
Tho' some there are too dull to share the exquisite delight.
I heard a surly cynic once thus vent his angry spleen,
As he with jaundic'd eye beheld the animated scene : —
" If this be Christian Charity, who loves abroad to roam,
" I wish, instead of coming here, that she had stay'd at home.
" I'm sure she has no feeling for those wretched little dears,
" Or she'd not make them into jam all in that place of tiers.
"AVhate'er Sir Eobert Peel may say, or Tory folks may shout,
" I'm sure the * pressure ' from within is worse than that ' without.
" But little girls may swoon away, and little boys may bawl,
" None, in this age of intellect, now care for a child's call.
" The cannibals, who eat up folks, have always made a point
" To kill their two legg'd animals before they dress 'd a joint;
" But Christian anthropophagites possess a nicer gout,
" And cook their flesh alive whene'er they make a human stew."
Thus did he snarl and grumble at this glorious institution ;
Some enemy he must have been to Britain's constitution,
For he who'd seek to work a change by pleading for humanity,
Must either be disloyal or the victim of insanity.

2838.] tilOCLAJIATlON DAY. I3J

PEOCLAMATION DAY.

Hip ! hip ! linrrali !

Wliat a glorious day !

They're proclaiming the Queen —

Magnificent scene !

Look — there sits the Mayor !

That's his worship, I'll swear.

The bells are clanging ;

The cannons are banging ;

The big drums are playing ;

The trumpets are braying ;

The cymbals are ringing ;

The people are singing,

" Victoria victorious,

Happy and glorious.

Long-to-reign-orious."

The Guards are advancing,

Kicking and prancing.

First the videttes

On their chargers — such pets !

Then comes the horse-doctor,

As grave as a proctor :

Then four pioneers.

With their axes — such dears !

And as sharp, ay, as needles.

And then come the beadles

(Messieurs Tomkins and Startin)

Of St. James and St. Martin.

After them the Guards' band.

So fierce and so grand.

The Marshals march next,

With their tits much perplex'd.

Then the Sergeants-at-Arms,

Looking full of alarms ;

And the Heralds, whose dresses

Get in terrible messes.

Her Majesty's Garter

Comes figuring arter.

With his splendid gold tabard,

And sword in his scabbard ;

And behind him is sergeants.

Who to-day think they are gents.

While the Horse -guards appear

To bring up the rear.

But let's change the scene a bit;
And look at the Queen a bit,

I40 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

Giving audience to all,
Great, middling, and small.
Among tlie paraders
Are the royalty traders :
Her Majesty's liatter.
Gunsmith, and cravatter,
Koyal builders of britchkas,
Brutus wigs, and false whiskers.
The Queen's top-boot maker,
And her " own undertaker,"
• Who says, with much fervour.

He'll be " happy to serve her."
Then at night, what a sight,
When the lamps are a-light,
Green, red, blue, and white ;
And transparencies bright
Shine from attic to floor —
There's a thousand or more.
In every street
Blazing lions you meet ;
And, in letters of flame,
Yictokia's dear name.
But see ! there's a row
In the Poultry, I vow !
The windows are smashing.
The shutters go dash in :
The mob's in a rage
AYith poor Mister Page ;
Whose luminous star.
With a"W. R."
Has excited their wonder,
And raised all this thunder.
See ! Page now, in tears,
At the window appears ;
And, with uplifted hands,
Their pleasure demands.
" Shame ! radical ! traitor !
Wretch ! spy ! agitator !"
Are the sounds that arise :
And at last some one cries,
" What means ' W. R.'
A- top of your star?"
" Lawk ! is that all ?" cries Page,
Almost bursting with rage,
*' Why, confound your necks !
It's * WiCTORiA Rex !'"

1838.] JULY. 141

RAIL-ROAD TRAVELLING.

I vow I'll go, and it shall be so, and I've said it. Mister Snip, —
This very day, come what come may, I'll have my railway trip.
There's Mistress King has been to Tring, and thinks herself so knowings
I'm tired of waiting your debating, and it's time that we were going.

Well, Duck, though I never did dabble in foreign parts, — Law, Ma ! how I

shall squeal when the engine starts. For shame, child ! as to fear it's

nothing but a notion ; — I declare I always feel the better for a little motion.

Pray, mister, do you call this a first-class caniage because it goes double

fast? — No, ma'am, it's because we puts it behind, to be blow'd up last. •

See, they're pulling us along with a rope ! very odd, upon my word. — Vy,

you carnt expect the hingins to go on their own ac-corJ. Eut just look

round at Hampstead and Highgate, while they slacken their pace, — And see,
they hook on the loco-motive ! What's that. Pa ? A thing they've a motive

for hooking on at this place. Here's Chalk Farm, where some run down

a hill, and some run up a score ! — And there's the famous tunnel ! It looks

like a bit of a bore. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! how dreadful dark ! I think

I'm going to die, — And I'm so hot I can't say my prayers ! but here's the

light of the sky. See what a hole in my parasole, burnt by a red-hot

spark ! — I only wish I knew who it was that was kissing me in the dark.

Sare ! I vender, Sare ! ven dey vill put on de horses to draw ! — Oh ! horses

don't draw here ; they're all liors d'emploi. But how the hedges run past,

and the trees and the bridges, and the posts, and the cattle, and the people !
— This is just like ploughing the air ! Yes, and there goes Harrow Steeple.

On, on we spin, with a clack and a din, like a mighty courser snorting,

blowing. — Well, how do you like the railroad now ? Oh ! I think it's the

wonderful'st thing that's going. Ladies, here's Watford ; we can stop if

you've had enough of your ride. — But perhaps you'd rather go on ; there's

a long tunnel on the other side. Oh ! I'm so frighted at the thought I

can scarcely speak ! — Gracious ! I'm so delighted ! I hope we shall stay in

for a week. Well, if that's the case, as you came out for a little pleasure,

I shall leave you at the tunnel, and you can go through at your leisure.

20 Professor Playfair d. 1819.

Thimble-rig Jubilee.

28 Infernal Machine in France, 1835.
Ditto ditto in England i^

142 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

THAT MISTER NUBIBUS.

Re.\I)ER, my name's Nubibus. I am "that Romeo." My ruling
passion is a taste for the rurals. My love of green fields may be
almost termed a green sickness. You may talk of your ottomans
and your fauteuils, I never sit so easy as in a rustic cbair. But,
unbappily, my pleasure is not witbout a damper. The rain is my
most mortal foe : my skies are always cloudy : my trees are con-
tinually on the drip : my Pan is always a Watering Pan. At the
moment of my birth, even, it was observed that the watchman was
going his rounds and crying, " Past four o'clock, and a rainy morn-
ing :" and many of my best friends think it likely that my last days
will be accompanied by a drop.

Last Friday was a notable instance of my unluck. The morning
was most beautiful — sun shining, birds singing, weather-glass down
at Stormy, and Moore's Almanack at Seavy Bain — everything, in
short, promised a fine day ; and I immediately dressed myself in my
most summery attire, and set off to join Mrs. Timon Duggins's pic-
nic party to Battersea Fields. I found all the company abeady
assembled in her little parloui-, in Greek Street, Soho, and I could
hear them greet my arrival with, " Oh ! here's that Mr. Nubibus !
we're sure to have rain if he comes." However, I took no notice of
their impertinences, but calmly brushed the dust off my gossamer
pumps, to show that I had no fear on my own account : tho', sooth
to say, I had taken care not to come without my old friend, my
walking-stick umbrella. Well, off we set, took boat at Hungerford
Stairs, and reached our ]Dlace of destination without misadventure.
Miss Arabella Dix was the first lady to land, which she did by step-
ping into a squashy place among the rushes, from which she came
out Avith an abundant supply of mud and water, and not without
an angry look at me, as much as to say, " Ay, it's all thro' that Mr.
Kubibus !" But this was not the worst. Gallantry forbade that
Miss Arabella should remain in her unfortunate damj)ness while
there were so many dry gentlemen in company : and, as it unluckily
turned out that mine was the only small foot of the party, I was
obliged to give wp my dry pumps to Miss Arabella ; tho' I own it
went to my very sole to do so.

" Oh ! how I do love the country !" exclaimed Miss Arabella, as
soon as she had established herself in my dry shoes; "the sky, the
water, the trees, how delightful !'' I felt as if I could have hugged
her. My taste to a T.

"And there ! there's a spectacle ! that lovely rainhow .'" I felt
as if I could have committed homicide upon the provoking creature,
and clenched my walking-stick umbrella with the force of a maniac.
On came the rainbow ; clap went the thunder ; down j)Oured the
rain — cats and dogs, puppies and Tcitlings. All eyes were turned
upon me reproachfully. Up went umbrellas and parasols ; out came
cloaks and Mackintoshes. An air of triumph seemed to pervade
the company as they remarked that there were no means of shelter
left for me. I let tliem enjoy their triumph for a while, and then I

838.] THAT MISTER NUBIBUS. 1 43

quietly unscrewed the top of my walking-stick umbrella. My
walking-stick umbrella, did I say ? Alas ! I had brought my bamboo
telescope instead.

Young Ariel Hicks, a young gentleman of fifteen years of age,
and as many stones weight, now offered me a share of his parapluie ;
but, as Hicks was only four feet two inches in height, and I stood
five feet ten in my shoes (or rather, in Miss Arabella's), I was soon
tired of doing penance in the form of a letter S, and boldly declared
my utter contempt for all kinds of showers, and thunder-showers
in particular. What made our situation still more provoking, was
the presence of an opposition pic-nic party in the adjoining field,
cosily enjoying themselves under a waterproof tent, from the en-
trance of which a grinning face would every now and then peep out,
evidently in high glee at our miserable appearance. The weather
getting clear, it was proposed to have a ramble among the green
trees : but the Dryads and Hamadryads turning out to be anything
but what their name imported, we were glad to escape from their
dripping bowers with all possible speed. Hungry as wolves, and
shivering ^vith cold, we now addressed ourselves to Mrs. Timon
Duggins, who had undertaken to be purveyor to the whole party.
Mrs. Timon Duggins was as hungry as we. But where was " Mr.
Gunterses young man ? — Mr. Gunterses young man, that she (Mrs.
D.) had ordered to be on the ground punctually at two o'clock ?"
Echo, and several of the young ladies and gentlemen answered
" Where .P" But still Mr. Gunter's young man appeared not. At
last Mrs. Timon Duggins, employing one end of her spectacles as
an eye-glass, exclaimed, " Why, there he is !" and there, sure enough,
we saw him, standing with his baskets on his arm, watching the
depai'ture of the rival party, who were merrily sailing down the
river to the tune of the Canadian Boat Song, sung by the whole
strength of the company. The young jackal was soon summoned,
and bid to spread the repast : but what was our horror on learning
that he had mistaken the rival party for ours, and suffered them to
eat up all our provisions. Half dead with cold and hunger, we
turned the baskets inside out : but nothing was left except a few
ices and a bottle or two of ginger-beer !

By great good fortune one of the Twickenham steamers was just
then going by, and as Ariel Hicks, who was an amateur sailor, had
some acquaintance with the skipper, he succeeded in procuring us
some prog from the vessel. We had scarcely got our knives and
forks well fixed in it, however, when the rain again began to fall in
torrents, and we were glad to get away to our boats and Mackin-
toshes. Our voyage home was not less disastrous. The boat had
been filled to^ about ankle deep by the late heavy rains, and we were
obliged to sit all the way with our feet held up above high-water
mark — except those who thought proper to put them in the wet hy
way of relief.

The next morning there was but one answer to all inquiries—
" Our compliments, and we're very ill in bed of colds and rhcu
matisms; and it's all owing to that Mister Nubibus."

AUGUST.

[1838.

CHEAP BATHING.

I scoKN the rules of FasLion's fools, tlicir scoffings and their

sneers,
To the ocean spray I haste away from people and from piers.
1 love to ride in the flowing tide 'mid the summer's gentle gales,
And to seem the monarch of the sea, or at least the Prince of

Whales.
Like porpoise brave, in the briny wave, I flounder and I flirt,
And now 1 stand upon the land — Oh, murder ! where 's my

shirt?
Yes, there it goes, and all my clothes — stay, sacrilegious

wretches !
Take coat and hat, and black cravat, but give me back my

breeches !
This is the spite of Mistress White — the foulest in the Nation —
Because I scouted her machine ; it is her machination.
But, hark ! I hear, there's some one near — in vain 1 hope to

hide ;
They'll say I'm not a tidy man, for going in the tide.
Oh ! dire disgrace ! I'll screen my face behind this fisher's basket,
And those who do not know my name, I hope wont stop to ask

it I

16 Andrew Marvel d. 1678. No wonder.

Joe Miller d. 1738. No joke.
18 Eebel Lords beheaded, 1746.

Treason doth never prosper — what's the reason?
Why, when it prospers, none dare call it treason.

22 Gall d. 1828.

Never suffer a phrenologist to pass judgment on your head,
or, ten to one, you may hear something unpleasant.

No occasion to move

A move on occasion.

Pray, Ma'am, can you move ever such a little scrinclv? Indeed,
Marm, its quite unpossable for me to stir an inch, — Well, if I'd
stay'd at Dorking I should have sat more at my ease, but I thought
it best to leave such a nest, for we're all swarming alive with
fleas. — Then I'll take my leave, Marm, to shift a little further
I'rom where you are sit tin', for though I don't like to be crushed, I
don't choose to be bitten.

1838.] 145

PLEASUEING.

Miss Henrietta Julia Wiggins, on Tier Travels, to MUs Adelaide Theresa Ditto,

in Bucklersbury . With a short Postscript from Mamma, and another from

Papa.

" Ma chere .SteJ/r— According to promise, I noAv send you the journal of my

tour ; but, helas! if you expect it has been a bappy one, j'OTi trompez yourself

most sadly. Mon dieu ! the sufferings we have undergone ! Mais voild the

journal.

"Monday, Sept. 1. — Embarked on board the "Emerald" steamer at London
Bridge for Boulogne, at one o'clock in the morning, after having passed a
miserable night iu packing up, and trying to go to sleep in easy chairs. Pa
complaining of sjTnptoms of lumbago. — All the berths taken, mostly by gentle-
men— or rather, by monsters in the foma of gentlemen. Mon dieu ! what brutes
tho English men are ! to suffer us poor helpless femelles to pass the night on
deck, while they are snoring away comfortably iu the cabins ! Ma's blue silk
pelisse was soon put hois de combat by the nastj' tar and stuff, and mj^ new
French-white bonnet was turned into a regular London smoke in ten minutes
by the horrid chimney. — Ma has made the acquaintance of a very nice Dame
Frangaise, who speaks pretty good English, and abounds in anecdotes about
la grande nation. Also, has kindly taken charge of one of Ma's sacs de nuit ; as
she says the French douaniers won't allow people to land more than one carpet-
bag a-piece, and Ma not choosing to leave her valuables at the mercy of thoso
rilains betes, the custom-house officers. Moi aiissi,fai fait connaissance with a
charming fellow, the Marquis de Mandeville, a yoimg militaire, in black
moustaches and a green foraging cap. — Marquis beginning to make himself very
agreeable; in fact, becoming quite amotireux, when both taken suddenly ill, and
obliged to part. Ah ! Adelaide dear ! it's a sad change, from love-sick to sea-
sick ! French lady very kind, and asked me if I had the mat de mere — thought
she meant " my mother's comj^laint," which you know is rheumatism in
the hips — answered accordingly, and got horribly laughed at by a lot of rude
fellows in make-believe sailors' jackets. — Ma next attacked — Pa next — tout le
monde soon in the same plight. Sensation dreadful — headache worse and worsa
— Ma wanted to be set down at Dover, but Captain wouldn't hear of it. French
lady very attentive — icoidd fetch tumblers of brandy and water for Pa and Ma
and me— couldn't drink a dx'op — she did, and wasn't sick at all. Obliged to stop
my journal — so very ill.

Tuesday, Boulogne — Landed here half dead, having lost the tide, and obliged
to pass another night at sea. All very ill. Pa's lumbago confirmed, and Ma's
rheumatism tres mal. — Unable to go to Paris ; and our places having been paid
for all the way, obliged to forfeit the money ; Pa very cross, Ma very un-
comfortable. 5 O'CLOCK, P.M. — Pa has just been in to say that the French lady
refuses to give up Ma's sac de nuit, containing all her valuables ; and that, as it
was landed in her name, there's no remedj^ — A call from Marquis — advises us
not to make a rumpus about it, for fear of being taken up as smugglers. His
lordship's valet not being yet arrived, imder the unpleasant necessity of borrow-
ing five pounds of Pa. Pa very suspicious, until Marquis showed us his pass-
port, where they have taken him two black eyes, a nose aquilin, black cheveux,
and five feet three inches of taille. Only think, Adelaide dear ! what a pictiire
of a lover !

" Wednesday. — Passed a dreadful night, not having been able to sleep a
"wmkfor the ininaises. Ma bit all over, and her face as big as two. Moiaussi,
ray eyes completely swelled up, all but one little corner, just enough to see what
a fright I am in the looking-glass. Unable to get any assistance from the
people at the inn, our manuel du royageur not containing any dialogue between
a. chambermaid and a lady bitten by bugs ; and Pauline, Ma's maid, that she
hired by advertisement, having left us the moment we landed, her only motive
in engaging herself at all being to get her passage paid back to her native
couuti-y. — Can't get anything that we can eat at the inn, and reduced to sea

146 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838,

biscuits and water. I have again tried to make our wants Icnown to the fiUe ch
chambre, but without success, they do speak such very bad French in the
provinces — quite a patois, in fact. Hope we shall do better in Paris. — Marquia
called, and recommended Pa to hire a valet de j)lace. Kindly undertook to pro.
vide him one, who speaks French and English, and understands the horrible
patois of the Boulognese. This will take a good deal off my hands, who am
obliged to be intcrpreteur to the whole party. — Alexis, the new valet de place,
arrives. — Got something eatable at last, and are to start for Paris demain matin.

" Thursday. — Up at five. Dejeuner, and start for Paris at seven — Marquis
in same diligence. Weather dreadfully hot. Eival diligence got the start, and
will keep before us all day, the French laws not allowing one coach to pass
another. Dust dreadful — and worse for us than any of the rest, as we had
taken our seats in front of the voiture, for the sake of seeing the countrj'^ — and,
after all, no country to see. Proposed to some gentilhommes inside to change
places with Ma and me ; but met with a flat refusal. Begin to think French
gentlemen are not much more poli than English ones. — Dined at Abbeville, and
arrived at Amiens late at night, very tired and ill.

"Friday. — Up at five, after a sleepless night. Started at seven. Heat
comme Mer — dust ditto : tivo diligences before us. — Dined, or rather table dliote'd
(which is a very different thing) at Clermont. Didn't eat an oimce all three of
us, but obliged to pay five francs a-piece for our dinners — and, as we had no
fi-ancs left, the people kindly consented to take English shillings instead. — Ma
and I quite ill, from heat, and dust, and fasting, and one thing or another ; and
Pa's lumbago much worse since the heavy thunderstonn which soaked thro'
his waterproof hat, and ran off his Mackintosh into his shoes, till they were all
of a squash.— Seeing our distress, three French gentlemen inside kindly con-
sented to relinquish their seats in our favour, an offer which we gladly accepted.
The French are really polite, apres tout! — 10 O'CLOCK, a la nuit I — Arrived in
Paris at the Hotel de Lyon, the Marquis very politely handing us out, and seeing
us to our room. — Eather annoyed by Pa's coming in and kicking up a rumpus
about the gentlemen who had taken our paid places on the premiere banquette,
and who had left him to pay for the thi*ee insides all the way from Boulogne.
— Marquis very aimahle, and gave us all a pressing invitation to pay him a visit
at his chateau in La Vendee.

" Saturday. — The Marquis to breakfast. — With his Lordship to the Jardin
des Plantes, where we had no sooner arrived among the lions and tigers than it
began to rain cats and dogs. The noble Marquis very land in holding the
umbrella over him and me, and sending Pa to call a coach at the neighbouring
coach-stand. Pa tres long-tems away — at last saw him coming along in the
custody of two gend'armes, covered with mud and dirt, and bleeding profusely.
Learned that poor Pa, instead of calling ^cocker,' as he ought to have done,
had called the man ' cochon,'' which, you know, means ' pig ;' at which the
coachman at fh'st laughed ; but Pa persisting in calling him ^cochon,' he at
last got down in a rage, and attacked Pa most furiously. I am soriy to SBy, poor
Pa got terriblement maltraite. Ma has been in fits ever since, and Pa won't be
able to go out for weeks. Pour moi, I am as ill as any one can be — nothing but
the Marquis's kindness keeps me alive. * * * "

" P.S. — Sunday. — My dearest child ! Your unhappy mother sends you this.
Tour deluded sister disappeared last night with the Marquis de Mandevil,
leaving this unfinished letter on her table, and your Pa and me both heart-
broken. I am too ill to write any more.

Your miserable mother.

Bertha Wiggins."

"P.S. — Monday. — Dear daughter ! Your distressed father sends you this.
Your unhappy mother eloped last night with that villain Alexis — and all the
luggage. I have discovered that he and the Marquis are a couple of sharpers,
A pretty week we have made of it !

Your wretched father,

Bartholoiew Wiggins."

1838] 147

COUNTRY COMMISSIONS.

•' Mr. Hume moved for a list of all Commissions issued between the 1st of April, 193(3,
and the 1st of April, 1S37, and of the expenses incurred thereon."

Farliamentary Regisler.

Twenty times have I taken my pen,

And began my dear Julia's name,
Twenty times have I dropped it again,

For I'm burning all over with shame.

How lucky I am to possess

A kind friend to rely on, like you !
And — 'tis shocking — I'm bound to confess

That my billets are all billets-(fo.

But to come to the point, dearest dear, —

Your affection will pardon it all —
You must know, the long thread of our year

Is wound up by an annual ball.

Only think ! in this dismal abode

To have nothing that's stylish or new !

We are centuries out of the mode.

Though we live in a manor, 'tis true.

And I want a few trifles in haste ;

'Tis too bad — for you've plenty to do—
But I know you've such excellent taste,

And I'll leave it entirely to you.

So get me, from Waterloo Place,

(What you pay I shall never regard)

Twenty yards of the best Brussels lace.
At exactly two guineas a yard.

From Harding's twelve yards of French satin,

That beautiful pearly-white hue —
'Tis a matter, I know, that you're pat in,

So I'll leave it entirely to you.

Of course, there can be no objection

To make it a bargain quite plain,
That if it don't suit my complexion

You'll trouble them with it again,

T ^

148 THE COMIC ALMAMxVCK. [1838.

Five bouquets of roses from Foster's,

And a circlet of white MaraboClt—
(I consider all others' impostors,

But I leave that entirely to you.)

Un oiseau jparadis may be sent

To surmount a chapeau paille de riz

For mamma — for she's never content —
How different, dear Julia, from me !

There is but one man in the town.

Who can make me a white satin shoe ;

Do find him, and send me some down,
So I'll leave it entirely to you.

Oh ! a scarf I shall want, by-the-bye,

Of that very particular hue
Which belongs to " the Seraph's blue eye,"
(In dear Moore,) so 1 leave it to you.

And now I'm equipped for my jig,

I'll finish my begging petition —
(Pa says I'm as bad as a Whig ;

Such a dab to get up a commission.)

But I'll thank you to buy, for Miss Green

A nice little stone and a muller ;
And just paper enough for a screen —

Every sheet of a different colour.

Here's a note for Miss White at the Tower ;

You must take it some day before two,
For she always goes out at that hour.

So I leave it entirely to you.

If it's all in your way coming back,

Just call at the Grove, Kentish Town,

And look in at the school of young Black —
His mamma wants to know if he's grown.

And next summer, when Pa comes to town,

He shall pay you whatever is due,
If you'll send the particulars down ;

But I'll leave that entirely to you.

^'**t>\SSS^>SSS;^

I030.J SEPTEMBER. 1^9

1 St. Giles. The faithful Scroggins lifted to the skies, ^ >'\ r. ,,
A consternation in his Molly's eyes. lb. "*/ '*%]':•■..■
6. Stratford Jubilee, 1769. . _^ t:^^.

"Mother! mother! take in the clothes: here be the players
a-coming !"

THE HAEYEST SUPPEE.

The latest load from the field is come,
" Hip ! Hip ! Hip ! for the Harvest Home !"
The guests they throng to the feast in swarms,
More men than manners, more chairs than forms ;
And 'twould puzzle a lawyer here to point,
And prove that the times are otit of joint.

I love iaifoivls in a bill of fare,
Yet this for ever I will declare,
That the dish, however it may be scorned,
For a harvest supper is beef that's corned.

I love a dame of the good old sort,
The piano not her only forte.
Her sons, who something know beside
To break a pointer, drink, and ride ;
And daughters, who return from school,
To feed the pullets, not dance la i^oule.

There are some that gather, who do not grow,
And some that reap, who are but soiv-sow,
But the honest farmer, blunt and plain,
"Who has never learned to drink champagne
(Like some, or else I'm much mistaken,
Who pinch the poor to save their bacon),
May plenty crown his peaceful dome.
And " Hip ! Hip ! Hip ! for his Harvest Home."

15 Newspaper Stamp Duty reduced, 1836.

Chancellor of the Exchequer brought to his last penny.

29 Michaelmas Day. De Goostihus non est disputandum.

150 [1833.

APROPOS OF THE GOOSE.

" Dear Uncle, accept our best thanks

For your very nice Michaelmas treat ;
Such a beautiful bird I ne'er saw, —

So tender ! so young ! and so sweet I
My wife and myself both declare.

Since we tied the hymeneal noose,
"We never before clapp'd our eyes

On so fine — so delicious a goose !

" The brats are all well. Little Sam

Is a Solomon quite for his age :
Such a mimic ! We've serious thoughts

Of bringing him up to the stage.
He already takes off you and aunt.

Her way of exclaiming " The dooce !"
He can imitate cocks, hens, and ducks,

Apropos, many thanks for the goose.

** Our eldest we've christened at last,

After you and my uncles at Tork, —
John James Paul Ealph George Job Giles Mark :

And Eliza's beginning to talk.
Little Arthur has lost a front tooth.

And another is getting quite loose :
They both want to know when you'll come ;

And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

" Little Hal's as like you as two peas, —

So lively, so smart, and so jaunty !
And dear little Emily Ann

Is grown quite the moral of aunty.
Selina's translating in French

The voyage of Mister Perouse ;
And Amelia has knit you a purse ;
And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

" Little EUen's begun to sol-fa,

And her master, the ChevaHer BaiiU,
Declares that he never yet heard

Child sing so exceedingly small.

1838.] Xpeopos of the goose. 151

Little Tom's quite a sportsman become ;

He has cauglit a young hare in a noose.
And sends you the skin to have stuff'd :

And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

" Your godson's beginning to draw, —

You remember the rogue— little Mike ?
He has chalk'd you and aunt on the wall ;

And really they're laughably like.
Such spirits I never yet saw ;

He's just like a tiger let loose :
And Sue means to work you a screen,

And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

" Your museum, I hope, goes on well :

But, Uncle, take care of your eyes ;
And pray don't, with microscopes, look

So much at those very small Hies.
I send you the horn of a deer,

(I believe it's a species of moose,)
And the quill of a real black swan ;

And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose.

" I hope you ride out eve'ry day ;

It's the first thing on earth for the health,
Without which, as I've oft heard you say.

What's honours, and station, and wealth ?
But, dear Uncle, pray never more mount.

That wild thing you bought of Lord Eoos ;
But you are so exceedingly bold !

Did I thank you before for the goose ?

" P. 8. — Could you lend me ten pounds

Till Christmas ? My lease is just out.
And I've no one to fly to but you :

Dear Sir — By-the-bye, how's your gout ? —
The int'rest of course I shall pay.

Five per cent. — Is your cough getting loose ?^
You can send it per post — and, dear ISTunks,

Many thanks for that duck of a goose."

152 OCTOBER. [1838

1 London Parcels Delivery Comn. cstab. 1837. J^ Wcssunpes

TRIUMPH OF TEE-TOTALISM.

Derk Fkixd,

I rite to inform you our caws is quite the top of the tree iu these
parts, norely all the publicks is ruined and sliut up quite private, the
checkers is xchecker'd — the baileaves is in at the rosemary bush — and there's
not a sole to t-hak ands at the Salitation — nothing but whimpering at the
whine waultz, instead of dancing and tostication so the wendors of spirits
is quite dispirited and at the hintermcdihate nobody wont go to be drunk on
the premises. Our parson hoo nose the sin of spiritual lickers as inroled
isself and some of the jentry as hates gin as jined us, the sqwire too sais he
will sine and sail v,^ith us as long as he dosnt go out of site of port. We
holds quite a strong meeting weakly but drinks nothing but Tee total and as
abolish t XX intire and marches quite connubial together round the pump to
the tune of Andle's water music but w^e as now less occasion for the spout and
shall soon dew altogether without my unkle which is a relashun you will be glad
to hear for as we have left off our cups we have less need of the balls, but I am
sorey to sea all our happytites is sadly hincreased witch is wery detrimental and
hilconvenent at this critearyon of the car. We was extorted last weakly
meeting by a new member a norrid drunkerd but now quite a refonn car.
rikter sins his money was all gone and nobody wont trust him. His discoors
was quite headyfying for he is a tailer and goes about in the good cawse since
he left off gozzling. Before he jined us he was alwise stupid drunk and
beatin his wif and now he never gives his mind to licker. Just at the ba
ginning he was quite affecting and could not get on without a go of brandy
which we thought very rum He as given up his trade witch was his sole
dcpendanse sinse he lost all his plaices and know dout he will be trew to us
til somthink else beft\lse. Dere friud thease is the first Hoctober as we as
passed without a brewin witch it looks rayther brown but hope to bear it-
and we are getting quite hammerous of our tease witch at first was very
tormenting but now the slow leaves goes off as fast as gunpowder and thera,
has as gardings makes the how-queer mixter, but I am afeard I'm a bit of a
bore as the learned pig sed and so conclood

Dere frind affeckshionately

Tobias Pumpswill.

25 St. Crispin's Day.
" Wanted ,a Closer."

1838.] 15:

JOE COSE IN LONDON TO PHCEBE BUTTEECUP IN
THE COUNTRY.

" 0 DEER Feby sich a plase Innnim is yew Havent got a singl
hidear i only wish yew was Hear yew wood sune hav al the tethe
Stole out off yewr hed ass for sites Bles yewr week ize i hav sea
evry think & havent had no time for Nothink only hivving yew &
Sory yew rote them 4 nbbrading ninepeny leters wich rely doant
Bleav as 3'ewr Makeing me a pressant of the Ivichin sithers at part-
ing has Bean abl to Cut our luv in 2 O deerist Feby the sithers must
be verry Sharp grun indede ass cood Severe sich luv ass ourn i hav
bean to the Tip top of St palls & Drunk my share off 2 botls off wisky
inside the bal wich is quite a rume But must confes i newer was in
sich a Bal rume in al my life the vew is rely Wunderfull newer sea
so much smoak togethar in al my Days allso hav bean to sea the lions
in the towr wich their is no sich thing to be Seen & the same of the
brittish mewseam wear i was Told i shood sea al sorts of Live creturs
but turnt out nothink but Stuff allso hav Bean to doory lane &
Comon Gardn & my i Feby sich hacting & singing Fillips parti ckler
tawk of Garick i am sur he is ass Depe as Garick & mister Brayam
sings Deper & deper stil allso hav Bean lukky anuff to sa the yung
quean wich deer Feby she is no moor Like a quean then yew ar
namely insted of a crown on her hed ass she orts to hav her Eial
hiniss had nothink but a comon Bonit & insted of a septer in her and
nothink but a Grene silk parrysawl only Think Feby of ruleing a
nashun like Grate briton with a grene silk parrysawl allso hav ad a
intervew with the duk of Welinton wich insted off Bean the Grate
ero they giv him out to be is quite a Litel chap & deerest Feby cood
Lik him my self & stand of 1 leg then theirs the parks ide Park St
jamess & Regency park lately Threw open to the publik wich is a
grate advarntige in regard of meting nuss mades wich ide Park &
kensinton gardns was rely geting so Low did i tel yew befour of the
stem pakits on the riwer they ar al as one as stage coches namely
going^ upon weels & Carying inside & out pasingers only insted of
osses is Drawd alung by nothink but Chimblys to be Short with yew
i hav sea allmost evrythink But not yet ad the plessure off Bean
pressant at a Dredfull fire tho they was 6 ouzes Burnt only a strete
of last tewsdy nite & a hold gentel man Jumt out off a 2 pare off
stares windy on to a Pattant airfetherbed only unfortynat the made
forgot to Bio it up in the mornin and consiquensialy the hold gemman
insted off Braking his fal only Broke 2 off his ribs i was lukky anuff
to sea a yung wumman Drowndecl in the sirpintine wich she wood
havSavd her life if it hadent Bean for 1 off the umain sasietys men
Geting intangld in her petty cotes & kepingher hed too lung under
Warter allso sea a hold wumman nokt Down by a noo polease & 3
men kild by Safety cabs to say nothink off hacksidents by homini-

154 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1838.

bus "wicli is no wunder seaing the number they Gary wich yew no
Siting down 13 is unlukkines itself allso Bean pressant at a DredfuU
drunken row in a coart in pety france wich master and me Geting
into the Goart end we was quite jamd in & in Devvaring to cut our
Lukky receevd sevral Unlukky bios but at last the noo polease
Arivd & evry Sole tuk to his Eels & as master lafFably sed insted off
the Batl of a Gin court turnt out the Batl of Runnymede but deerest
Feby doant Bleav in the midl off al this j^lessuriug nayther master
nor me is aj^py in lunnun i asure yew we ar quite Gontrayry & artily
Repent as ewer we Gonsentid to becum parliment men for West
stafordsheer wich befour we was hindipendant members we cood Do
ass we likt But now just Revers & ar quite tide by our 4 legs master
as Bean admitd at crokfuds a notoryus hel but poor feller he finds
nisself quite out off his Hellyment & indede boath him & me is
quite at a Los without our old friends the Gows & shepe & yew &
missis & al the rest off the beests ass we hav Bean ust to al our lives
& master is grew quite thin in consequents & Bleav me Feby tho i
doant Take in my waste cotes so menny oles i mis yew quite ass
much ass master missis missis we spend al our Spar time in Smith
feeld wich is the only rele plessure we hav Smith feeld is just the
same ass 1 of our own feelds in "West stafordsheer only no gras nor
no eges nor no riks of hay nor no Stiles to sit a coartin on But ful of
orses & cows & carves & pigs & shepe & other Beestly sites 0 them
deer pigs ow Glad i was to ear there wel none vices it quite put me
in mind of yew & deer Butermilk villige & i rely cood have Stade a
earin them squele al day Lung wich deerest Feby doant Bleav wat i
say about the pigs is al Gammon we hav got a Bewtifull ous in pel
mel & the yung ladys ar verry Gay mis Jewlia is verry fond off
Sowlogical gardning & gos evry day to Studdy the hannimils at the
regency Park allso mis Jawgeny rides out evry mornin on her pony
with James the noo sirvent beind on 1 off the hold coch orses wich
as Bean dipt & his tale Gut thurrow bred for the okasion the sir-
vents is al very wel & my duty to yewr farther & ow is yewr sister
Suzn & poor Htl nock need Nely & abuv al deerest luv Ows yewr
muther Respecktiv cumps to al yewr old felow sirvents & Pleas
exept yewrself deerest Feby

from yewr adorabl

JOE GOSE.

PS, 0 Feby Feby wear al in a huprore sins Riting my abuv we
hav found out mis Jewlia only went Sowlogical gardning for a xcusc
to mete her luvver & is boath loped away gudnes or rather Badnes
nose wear Allso the same of mis Jawgeny & James the noo sirvent
ass i told yew off but Bles yewi- art was no sicli thing but only a
luvver in disgize & wen we al thort him a Real lakky turnt out
nothink but a Yally de Sham.

1838.]

NOVEMBEE.

15!

THE PEAISE OF PUNCH.

I LOVE tliee, Punch ! with all thy faults and failings,
Spite of the strait-laced folks and all their railings ;
I love thee in Lhy state etherkd,
^'^jj^y Thou grateful compound of strange contradictions !
'^-^J Filling the brain with Fancy's vivid fictions :
A Thou castle-building wight !

A Urging Imagination's airy flight ;

■ Chasing blue devils from their dismal revels ;

Spurning this sombre world of selfish sadness,
And changing sounds of woe to notes of gladness :

Call'd by whatever name,
Eum, Eack, or Toddy, — thou soul without a body !
Thy welcome is the same.

I like-zme love thee in thy state material,
Thou merry fellow, Punchinello !

Thou chip of an old block !
Thou wooden god of fun ! — practical pun !
Thou hearty cock !
Thou dissipator of Policeman's vapours,
In whose grim face,
Ting'd with the blueishness of nothing-to-doishness,
We oft may trace
A grin as he beholds thee cut thy capers.

" Pet of the Petticoats !" lov'd of Servant Maid,

So neat and staid ;
• Who, from the area steps, with furtive eyes.
Surveys thy antics in a mute surprise ;
Belov'd of Errand Boy! who little cares

^For weighty matters he unconscious bears,
f Punch in all his glory stops his way.
Tempting the varlet with a priceless play.

Delight of young and old, of great and small !
Tho' of each grosser passion thou'rt the slave,
Albeit thou'rt rake and rogue, and thief and knave,
Of ev'ry grace and goodness quite bereft,
With not a virtue to redeem thee left ;

Spite of thy faults, oh. Punch ! we love thee all !
And hence thy Wooden Worship dost impart
•. A moral sound to every conscious heart :
Thou show'st us, Punch, that we're not over-nice
When wit and humour are allied to vice.

But as thy close acquaintance brings hard knocks
On wooden blocks, —
So, if we'd 'scape a world of awkward trouble,
Whene'er in real life we meet thy double
(And rogues of thews and sinews, flesh and blood,
Are not so harmless quite as those of wood).
Let us observe this rule, — this prudent plan —
Enjoy the humour, tut avoid the man.

156 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1833.

AN ADVENTUEE OF A GJJY.

In days gone by, ere " George the Third was king,"

Or men had heard the names of Burke or Swing,

Lived an old hunks in London's famous city,

Who had a niece, fair, buxom, wise, and witty.

And this fair maiden, being past fifteen,

Had got a lover — young Alonzo Green —

A youth of goodly parts and handsome mien.

But, as Alonzo was extremely poor.

Old hunks had in his face banged-to the door ;

And ever after, that his niece might be

More safe, he kept her under lock and key.

But still they corresponded — thro' the means

Of an old woman who sold herbs and greens :

And thus the lovers planned to run away.

And get them married one Gunpowder Day.

Alonzo was to come disguised as Guy ;

And while the mummers played their mummery,

A real Guy was to be deftly placed

Within the chair, while he ran off in haste

To hide him till old hunks was fast asleep ;

When thro' the garden window they could creep,

And, down a silken ladder gently gliding,

Soon find some happy bower for love to hide in.

So said, so done (in those days men would vie
Who best should entertain the loyal Guy :
All else got mobbed as friends of popery) :
The mummers were admitted, Guys exchanged,
And eveiything was done as pre-arranged.

Now all is still : old hunks locks up the house:
Alonzo lies as quiet as a mouse :
When lo ! he hears a ste^D upon the floor —
And then, old hunks arrives — and locks the door

The fact was this : a rival of our swain.
Who'd tried to win the niece's heart in vain,
Had bribed a mummer to reveal the plot,
Which thus to the old hunks's ears had got,

a>
-a

Q.
C
3
O

1838.] AN ADVENTURE OF A GUY. tf,7

Now to the maiden's room the grey-beard flies,
And, deaf to all her prayers, and tears, and sighs,
Bids her prepare for instantaneous flight :
A coach will come for her that very night.
Even as he speaks, she hears the horrid wheels :
And down the stairs her hated guardian steals.

Just then the rival swain resolved to try
If he, in semblance of another Guy,
Cannot induce the maid with him to fly ;
Hastes to her room, softly the window opes,
And then lets fall his ladder of silk ropes.
The maid deceived, his rashness gently chides,
Then down the silken ladder nimbly glides.

Meanwhile, Alonzo, finding himself trapped,
Without a notion how the thing had happ'd,
Opens his window, down Ms ladder slips,
And straightway to his lady's casement trips.
What is his wonder when his rival's ropes
He sees ! What are his joys, his fears, his hopes,
When at the window he discerns his bride.
And sees her down the ladder safely glide !
All this, of course, is on the garden side.
In front, old hunks has settled all his schemes :
Of hate, and vengeance now he only dreams.
Bursting with rage and spite, he mounts the stair,
And rushes to the chamber of the fair —
But only finds Alonzo' s rival there,
Who, anxiously is thro' the casement bending,
Preparatory to his safe descending.

"WTiat do I see?" is now old hunks's cry,
" Gadso ! what ! that's you, is it. Master Guy ?
There, brave Alonzo — there, my pretty fop !"
And thro' the window throws him neck and crop.

Meantime, the lovers have a shelter found,
Where soon in Hymen's fetters they arc bound.
And long they lived, as kind and fond a pair
As — wife and husband generally are.

^58 DECEMBER. [1838.

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
To Solon Sly, Esq.

Mv DEAR SlU,

Tlie approaching vacation devolves on me tlie pleasing duty of reporting
to yon, by the hands of Master Timothy, the general progress of his studies.
In some respects his extraordinary precocity has even exceeded my wishes. I
have directed his reading principally to Biography, and his ardour has led
him to add to my selection the lives of Turpin and Moore Carew, together
with the instructive narratives of the Newgate Calendar. His progress in
penmanship has been so great, that he has not only written all his own letters,
but many for his school-fellows, to which the versatility of his genius has led
him to append their names so accurately, as to enable him to obtain from
their parents, with the help of the post-boy, a considerable addition to hia
pocket-money. I have cleared up a few of these little shades of character,
which have been brought to light, as you will perceive at the foot of my bill.
In Arithmetic, Subtraction has been his favourite rule, as all the drawers in
the house can testify. He has also worked some complicated sums in Vulgar
Fractions, and proved them, by the glazier's bill enclosed. His skill in Divi
sion has also been displayed in his setting all the school together by the ears.
In Composition, his forte is romance and general fiction ; indeed his conver-
sation is of so flowery a nature, as to have been compared to a wreath of
lilies. At our races he greatly improved his acquaintance with the Greeks
— Late-in, of course, included — and my servants picked him up at midnight,
land-measuring, at length, on the Turnpike road. He has progressed in
Logic, though rather addicted to strange premises, which may lead to serious
conclusions. He has become an accomplished natural philosopher — his pur-
suit of Ornithology has led him to every hen-roost in the village, and all my
eggs have been constantly exhausted in his experiments on suction. During
his inquiries into the nature of animal heat, my favourite cat caught a severe
cold, from which she never recovered, through his turning her out without
her skin, on a frosty night. I have inserted a small item from my surgeon's
bill, for repairs of his comp nions' noses, damaged by his passion for Conch
ology; and a charge, which I fear you will think heavy, for a skylight, de-
stroyed by Master Timothy's falling through, while crawling along the parapet
on a dark night, to seek some information at my gardener's daughter's
window — an extraordinary instance of the pursuit of knowledge under diffi-
culties. His decided turn for the belles lettres has deprived me of two of my
best maids ; for I have been obliged to discharge them on suspicion of irregu-
larly participating in his studies, contrary to the rules of my establishment
As I do not feel competent, however, to do justice to the education of so
talented a youth, I shall not expect to see Master Timothy again after the
holidays.

I am, my dear Sir,

Your faithful Servant,
Blrclifield Academy. Baknabus Bombrush,

25 Apotheosis of Yauxliall Simpson, 1835. ^

The glories of his leg and cane are past : ypL

He made his bow and cut his stick at last, j j

t838.] 159

THE QUEEN IN THE CITY.

How prcToking ! such fi choking, thick, and yellow fog

Ko Turk or Jew would venture to turn out a Christian dog.

'Tis cruel hard, upon my word, with such a gloomy sky.

To quit my down for Queen or crown, it looks so winter-lye.

I'd rather keep me warm within, than go ia all this rout,

For it's not my creed, except in need, to take to "cold without."

And I cannot see why this should be, nor the reason of it all.

It's quite a job to dine with Bob and Nabob in Guildhall.

— Why, don't you see, her Majesty as yet is but a green one,

She's heard of city riots, but by chance has never seen one ;

Tho' a king of the land once fear'd the Strand, and said it was full of sinners,

And through Cheapside was afraid to ride, so they went without their dinners.

But see the light is getting bright, and the streets are filled with people,

And pennons gleam, in the morning beam, from turret and from steeple.

The sound that swells from St. Martin's bells would please O'Connell's ear,

While the Union flag does gaily wag, they're all re-pealers there.

But now the crash becomes a rush, and the Black and Red Guards fright

beholders,
Here comes the Lancers, they're the prancers, and the Blues with their broad

swords over their shoulders.
And Temple Bar is the seat of war, and rags the ground bestrew,
Here's a Sunday hat, and a boy squeezed flat, a purse and a satin shoe.
Mister soldier ! of course you'll make your horse take his foot from off my

toe.
I'm on duty, sir, and I dare not stir till I hear the trumpet blow. — '
But we've paid our guineas, and we're not such ninnies as to stand in all this

riot, —
Here's a lady dead, for she hangs her head, and seems so very quiet.
Oh ! what a jam, we can scarcely cram our heads within the door ;
1 fear you'll find, you must sit behind, since you did not come before.
Oh ! that won't do — we've paid for two — myself, and here's my cousin ;
I'm number twenty — here's room in plenty — why, your window wont hold a

dozen.
'Tis a swindling cheat, but we lose the treat while haggling here we stand,
And we'll not submit to be thus bit, if a lawyer's in the land.
But now standfast, they come at last, the grooms in their cloth of gold,
And Royal Dukes, you may know by their looks, so thick they can scarce bo

told.
Here are Silver Sticks, in a coach-and-six, methinks it's rather funny,
But those sticks are dear, and it's very clear they cost a deal of money.
A coach to carry a stick, indeed, how comical you talk —
Oh ! there's many a stick, with head so thick, that rides when he ought to
walk.

t6o THE COillC ALMANACK. [^838,

But who is that, in the feathers and hat, so gracious she nods her head,
Oh, that's the Queen's Bed chamber maid. Is her Majesty going to bed?
Now the best of the fun is just begun, for, prancing, may be seen
The handsome Common Council men, in tlieir gowns of mazarine,
And the Sheriffs bold, in their chains of gold, and not disposed to quarrel,
Thongh one the song of Moses sings, and the other a Christmas Carroll.
And each Alderman h.f, in his threecock'd hat — so comely, one by one
They stately ride, with their grooms beside — no doubt, to hold them on.
'Tisthe Mayor, of course, outside a horse, with the sword of state before him,
He looks, in his pride, from side to side. How the 'prentice boys adore him !
Hun-ah ! Hurrah ! she comes this way — stand firm to see her pass !
AVell, what have you seen ? — why, not the Queen, but the glare of the window

glass.
Oh, I'm going wild ! have you seen my child ? from above I let him fall.—
Yes, there he rolls on the people's polls, and he'll soon be at Guildhall.
That little crowd, they scream so loud, it pierces thro' and thro' you ;
It's all the charity girls and boys a-singing "Hallelujah,"
And "Live the Queen" — 'tis a lovely scone — did you hear that cracking

note ?—
'Tis a Httle lass, in the second class, she's burst her little throat.
And now the bells ring round again, and the cannon loudly thunder,
But, before we go, do any know which was the Queen, I wonder ?
Jsaw the Queen, she was dressed in green, and a gold tiara crown'd her.
No, I rather think, that was her in pink, with the silver all around her. —
In pink or green she never was seen, but she wore a robe of red.
And she rode a horse, as a thing of course, with a fur cap on her head. —
I think it's plain we shall know her again, so now we'll quit our station,
And we'll take a turn, when the gas-lights burn, to see the illumination.
See crowns and stars, and bright V.R.'s, and wreaths and garlands pretty,
And laui'els green all round the Queen, and mottoes quaint and witty.
Here's " Wax and Wick-toria" {Cowan, in gloria), "May she long wear her
Crown {Alderman Broivn), "Ourselves and the Queen" (Fellatt and Green),
"She'll ne'er have her match if she reads the Dispatch"" (says that jolly
farmer, Alderman Harmer), " Success to Eegina and Essence of Bina " {in-
scription good, hy 3Iatthew Wood), " Long live the Queen, to drink Black
and Green" {3Jr. Tioining, in bright lamps shining), "None shall dare to
affront her " [Sir Claudius Hunter), " In a lot we'll knock down all the foes
of the crown " {a desperate go, hy Farebrother and Co).
But none of the sight gave such delight as the Aldermen and the Queen,
And throughout the land, such spectacles grand will never again be seen.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK.

For 1839.

jA^'UA^.Y

[1^39-

AL-j\TANTAO DAY.— A EUSH FOR THE MURPHIES.

j^^l

^3i

eiiyer

Sii

Mysterious Murphy, -wliose transcendent skill

Makes hail, rain, vapour,
Come forth obsequious to your will, —

At least on paper, —
Tell us what famous college
Bestow'd your wondrous knowledge !
Perchance your learned sconce found it at once ;
Perhaps by degree of T.C.D.
Some say the Prince of Evil has been too civil,
And that, in change for all your knowledge boasted
You're doomed — like other murphies — to be roasted.

Some think, like me for one,

You've kissed the Blarney Stone ;
But though your blunders make a pretty rout,

Sure, if you're right, by second sight,
You well may be, at first ^ a little out.

But cock your weather eye athwart the sky.
Of wind and storm disclose your store,
For one year more,

And tell us true. —
Led by your lies the ships lie to,
Or snugly arbour'd, with hoioer anchor ride,

And lose the tide —
Their funnies near, the watermen look sad.
Short cut or shag alone their sorrow lulls.
In sunshine read your page of weather bad.

And shake their heads, for no one wants their sculls.
But, sad to think, the washerwoman's pain.

Praying for rain,
And vainly hoping, as for showers she sniffs.
To fill her butts with your delusive ifs.
Ah, me ! I sought the throngs in Beulah's bowers,

Seduced from home by jour fair fiction.
But found none out, amid the drizzling showers,
Save my sad self and your prediction.
Now if again the weather's care you take on,

Don't try your flam on.
But if you wish to save your bacon,
Give us less gammon.

ig39-j ^^3

STUBBS'S CALENDAR;

OR,

THE FATAL BOOTS.

JANUARY.— The Birth of the Year.

Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really hap-
pened to him in tliis mortal life, he would be sure to make a good book, though
he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to his burial ; how much
more, then, must I, who have had adventures, most singular, pathetic, and un-
paralleled, be able to compile an instructive and entertaining volume for the use
of the public !

I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of travel in
the deserts of Arabia or Prussia : or that I have been a very fashionable character,
living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my recollections of them as the way
now is. I never left this my native isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one,
who liad rooms in our house, and forgot to pay three- weeks' lodging and extras) ;
but, as our immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so
eaten up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been the
object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe it would melt
the heart of a mile-stone to read of it— that is, if a mile-stone had a heart of any-
thing but stone.

Tv>'elve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the
twelve months of the year,- have been arranged by me for this Almanack. They
contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may say, a good man.
I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never wronged any man of a shilling,
though I am as sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in Europe. I never injured a
fellow-creature; on the contrary, on several occasions, when injured myself, have
shown the most wonderful forbearance. I come of a tolerably good family ; and
yet, born to wealth — of an inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I
had, and eager to get more, I have been going dov/n hill ever since my journey of
life began, and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes such as surely
never. happened to any man but the unhappy Bob Stubbs.

Bob Stubbs is my name ; and I haven't got a shilling : I have borne the com-
mission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am noio — but never
mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more. My fiither
was of the Suffolk Stubbses — a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay. My grandfather
had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my papa a pretty little
fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence, and ought to be at this moment
a gentleman.

My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my birth,
when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in London, fell madly
in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman, who did not give her a
sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa married this Miss Smith
and carried her off to the country, where I was born, in an evil hour for me.

AVere I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as an
impostor ; but the following letter from mamma to a friend after her marriage,
will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she was ; and what a reck-
less extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate parent.

To Miss Eliza Hides, in Gracechurcli Street, London.
O Eliza ! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven ! My Thomas is an
angel ! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always vowed I would
marry :— on the contrary, he is what the world would call dumpy, and I hesitate
not to confess that his eyes have a cast in them. But what then ? when one of
his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe, they are lighted up with an atfectiou

164 THE COMIC ALMANACK. ^^39']

wliich my pen cannot describe, and wliich. certainly, was never bestowed upon
any woman so strongly as upon your happy Susan Stubbs.

When lie comes home from shootin^^, or the farm, if you could see dear Thomas
with me and our dear little Bob ! as 1 sit on one knee, and baby on the other, and
as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had Sir Joshua, or some great
I)ainter, to depict the group ; for sure it is the prettiest picture in the whole world,
to sec tliree such loving merry people.

iJear baby is the most lovely little creature that can possiljly be, — the very image
of papa ; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight of everybody. Nurse says, that
when he id older, he will get rid of his squint, and his hair will get a (jreat deal
less red. Doctor Bates is as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could desire.
Think what a blessing- to liave had him ! Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never
had a day of quiet ; and he has been obliged to give it from three to four doses
every week ; — how thankful ought we to be that the dear thing is as well as it is !
It got through the measles wonderfidly ; then it had a little rash ; and then a
nasty hooping cough; and then a fever, and continual pains in its poor little
stomach, crying, poor dear child, from morning till night.

But dear Tom is an excellent nurse ; and many and many a night has he had no
sleep, dear man ! in consequence of the poor little baby. lie walks up and down
with it for hours, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he has no more voice than
a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and forwards, and looking, in his
night-cap and dressing-gown, so droll. Oh, Eliza ! how you would laugh to see him.

We have one of the best nursemaids in the icorld, — an Irishwoman, who is as
fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can never be). She takes it to walk in
the Park for hours together, and I really don't know why Thomas dislikes her. He
says she is tipsy very often, and slovenly, which I cannot conceive ; — to be sure,
the nurse is sadly dirty, and sometimes smells very strong of gin.

But what of that? These little drawbacks only make home more pleasant.
AYhen one thinks how many mothers have no nursemaids ; how many poor dear
children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary Malowney, and
that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds ? How ill must dear baby have been,
to require so much physic !

But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, Eliza, how much
this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week ; a glass of brandy or
gin at dinnei , three pint bottles of Mr. Thrale's best porter every day, — making
twenty-one in a week ; and nine hundred and ninety in the eleven months she
has been with us. Then, for baby, there is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas,
two guineas for christening, twenty for a grand christening supper and ball (rich
Uncle John mortally offended because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a
silver cup : he has struck Thomas out of his will ; and old Mr. Firkin quite as much
hurt because he was not asked : he will not speak to me or John in consequence) ;
twenty guineas for flamiels, laces, little gowns, caps, napkins, and such baby's ware :
and all this out of £300 a year ! But Thomas expects to make a great deal by
his farm.

We have got the most charming country-house ijou can imagine; it is quite shut
in by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles from London, the post
comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be confessed, are execrable : it
is winter now, and we are up to our knees in mud and sno.v. But oh, Eliza ! how
happy we are : with Thomas (he has had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear man !)
and little Bobby, and our kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave
you to fancy that we have a charming merry party, and do not care for all the
gaieties of Rauelagh.

Adieu ! dear baby is crying for his mamma : a thousand kisses from your
affectionate

SUSAN STUBBS.

There it is. Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of porter a
week; in this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me of my property.

-1839-]

FEBRUAliY

165

THE DORMANT PEERAGE— APPEALS IN THE LORDS.

Dere Molly,

1 in 10. Fleet Pri.n. Fe be wary 9. 1838

i ara sory to say, in anscr to yure lofeing letter, that we arc all like to want bred,
for i have gained my law sute quite sattisfactury, witch it greves me tlie more that
hou tell me tlie rufe of tlie cottige is tumbled in for the lawyers say it is now mine
for me and my liares for ever witch i fere you have all got wet skins, but it is a
comfurt i follcred my sute, so you shall here the upshot of my downfal witch is
this — arter the big wig in tlie big hall had givd it aginst me my lawyers sed if i
Iiad any money left i shud vindickit the laAv and stand up for my famley and my
rites so with uo more seremony sais he lie cary it afore the lords — so arter a long
time it cum to my turn afore all the parlyment bowse — thinks i wen the nobs ears
it all the hares of .there beds will stand on end ; so i went to the great place were
all the lords, as i thote, was all awating for me, wen dash me if there was but too
fat old fellers aslepe — (i thote i shud see 2 dosio,) and the same judg as eard about
it afore — blest if i arnt done thinks i — so wen my countsillers got up and told it
agen he nodded his hed evry now and then, secmmily to say its all rite, for ray
part i cudnt elp crien wen i herd ow ill ide been used : but eather becos he had a
bigger wig on than afore or becos he was p.iiepe like the otliers, he givd it all on
my side this time, so my lawyers sed i was a lucky feller and they wanted sum
more mony from me, but as i ad no more to give em they put me in this plaseits
calld the Fleet tho its not a ship boai'd tho they say its very mucii among the
knavey. But now ime in for it and cant get out unles i can melt the arts of the
lawyers, witch they say is verry ard, xcept b> the solvent act. won cumfort heres
plenty of gude satiety, moastly jentilmen, and non so bad off as begars and balot
singers tho they seem in a staite of universle sutFerige. Dere Molly, if the wals is
tumbil'd down its no use to mind your rexpextabilaty, but think of leafing in the
spring for i fere it will be too hairy for the beds of the children witch they liave
always been used to a thatch, and sel the stiks and send me the munny if its ever
so little its ofe yure mind, as i say to miself wen i lye awak a nites for i cant get no
slepe for thinking of yew and the piggs, witch i wish we wos all in the church-
yard for its verry cold and ive no fire witch is grately dettrementil to my rest, ive
jist eard of a fine plase cauld the Swan, were i shal hop to get wen i cum out, were
theres no law nor lawyers nor cottiges nor law-sutes nor no nothin but jist the
world afore us to do as we like, and if there'e rumc ile send for yew and the children
arter. so no moar your affeckshinate husban,

JlLES JOGGINS.

Cold, without.

" The Master's Eeport,
A Tail of a Chancery Suit.

Who are you?"

Kami-nation.

1 66 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1S39

FEBRUARY.— CuTTixXG Weather.

I HAVE called this cliapter " cutting- weather," partly in compliment to the month
of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes Avhich you are going
to read about, for 1 have often thought that January (which is mostly twelfth cake
and holiday time) is like the first four or five years of a little boy's life ; then
comes dismal February, and the working- days with it, Avheu chaps begin to look
out for themselves, after the Chri!>tmas and the New Year's hey-day and merry-
making are over, which our infancy may well be said to be. Well can I recollect
that bitter first of February, when I first launched out into the world and ap-
peared at Dr. Swishtail's academy.

I beg-an at school that life of prudence and economy, which I have carried on
. ver since. My mother gave me eighteen-pence on setting- out (poor soul ! I
thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade God bless me) ; and be-
eides, I had a small capital of my own, which I had amassed for a year previous.
I'll tell you what I used to do. Wherever I saw six half-pence I took one. If it
was asked for, I said I had taken it, and gave it back ; — if it was not missed, I
said nothing about it, as why should I ? — those who don't miss their money don't
lose their money. So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides
mother's eighteen-peuce. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had
such lots of it.

Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better himself : and
I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels : I never was very high in the
class or very low ; but there was no chap so much respected : and why ? Fd ahcays
money. The other boys spent all their's in the first day or two, and chey gave me
plenty of cakes and barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my
own money, for they would insist upon treating m.e. Well, in a week, when their's
was gone, and they had but their theeepence a week to look to for the rest of the
half-year, what did I do ? Why, I am proud to say that three-halfpence out of
the threepence a week of almost all the young gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came
into my pocket. Suppose, for instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of gingerbread,
who had the money ? Little Bob Stubbs to be sure. " Hicks," I used to say,
" ril buy you three-halfp'orth of gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next
Saturday :" and he agreed, and next Saturday came, and he very often could not
pay me more than three-halfpence, then there was the threepence I was to have the
next Saturday. I'll tell you what I did for a whole half-year : — I lent a chap by
the name of Dick Bunting three-halfpence the first Saturday, for threepence the
next ; he could not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I
did not make him pay me three-halfpence for three and twenty u'cels run-
ning, making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad dishonour-
able fellow, Dick Bunting ; for, after I'd been so kind to him, and let him off" for
three-and-twenty weeks the money he owed me, holidays came, and threepence he
owed me still. Well, according to the common principles of practice, after six
weeks' holidays, he ought to have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which was my
due. For the

First week the Zd. . would be Gd, I Fourth week As.

Second week I5. Fifth week 8s.

Third week 2s. | Sixth week ^ 16s.

Nothing could be more just ; and yet, will it be believed ? when Bunting came
back, he offered me three-halfpence / the mean, dishonest scoundrel !

However, I was even with him, I can tell you. — He spent all his money in a
fortnight, and then I screwed him down ! I made him, besides giving- me a penny
for a penny, pay me a quarterof his bread and butter at breakfast, and a quarter of
his cheese at supper ; and before the half-year was out, I got from him a silver
fruit knife, a box of compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced waistcoat, in which I
went home as proud as a king : and, what's more, I had no less than three golden
guineas in the pocket of it, besides fifteen shiUings, the knife, and a brass bottle-
screw, which I got from another chap. It wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings,
which was all the money I'd had in the year, was it ? Heigh ho ! .I've often wished
that I could get such a chance again in this wicked world ; but men are more avari-
cious now than they used to be in those early days.

l839-J CUTTING WEATHER, 167

Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock ; and when I gave
the bottle-screw to my father, begg-ing him to take it as a token of my aftection for
him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I never saw, and kissed and
hugged me fit to smother me. " Bless him, bless him," says she, " to think of his
old father ! And where did you purchase it, Bob ? ' — " Why, mother," says I, " I
purchased it out of my savings" (which was as true as the gospel), — When I said
this, mother looked round to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes,
and she took his hand, and with her other hand drew me to her, " Is lie not a
noble boy ?'' says she to my father : " and only nine years old !" " Faith !" says
my father, " he is a good lad, Susan, Thank thee, my boy : and here is a crown
piece in return for thy bottle-screw ; — it shall open us a bottle of the very best, too,"
says my father ; and he kept his word, I always was fond of good wine (though
never, from a motive of proper self-denial, having any in my cellar) ; and, by Jupiter I
on this night I had my little skin full, — for there was no stinting — so pleased were
my dear parents with the bottle-screw, — The best of it was, it only cost me three-
pence originally, which a chap could not pay me.

Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my pa-
rents : and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children, I gave mamma
a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea piece. Then I gave her
a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself with an ace of spades from a new
pack of cards we had, and I got Sally, our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink satin
her mistress had given her; and I made the leaves of the book, which I vaudykcd
very nicely, out of a piece of flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat. It
smelt a little of hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book, and mamma was so
delighted with it, that she went into town, and bought me a gold-laced hat. Then
I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper; but I am sorry to say of my dear
father that he was not so generous as my mamma or myself, for he only burst out
laughing, and did not give me so much as a half-crown piece, which was the least
I expected from him " I shan't give you anything. Bob, this time," says he ; "and
I wish, my boy, you would not make any more such presents,— for, really, they arc
too expensive." Expensive, indeed ! I hate meanness, — even in a father.

I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave mc. Mamma
asked me about it, and I told her the truth, — that it was a present from one of the
boys for my kindness to him. Well, what docs she do but writes back to Dr. Swish-
tall, when I went to school, thanking him for his attention to her dear son, and
sending a shilling to the good and grateful little boy who had given me the waistcoat !

'' What waistcoat is it ?" said the Doctor to me, " and who gave it you ? "

" Bunting gave it me, sir," says I.

" Call Bunting :" and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you believe it ?
he burst into tears, — told that the waistcoat had been given him by his mother, and
that he had been forced to give it for a debt to Copper Merchant, as the nasty littla
blackguard called me. He then said, how, for three-halfpence, he had been com-
pelled to pay me three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been obliged to borrow
the three-halfpence !) — how all the other boys had been swindled (swindled .') by
me in like manner, — and how, with only twelve shillings, I had managed to scrape
together four guineas, ********

My courage almost fails as I describe the shameful scene that followed. The
boys were called in, my own little account-book was dragged out of my cupboard, to
prove how much I had received from each, and every farthing of my money was
paid back to them. The tyrant took the thirty shillings that my dear parents had
given me, and said that he should put them into the poor-box at church ; and, after
having made a long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, he said, " Take
off your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his waistcoat," I did, and stood
without coat and waistcoat in the midst of the nasty, grinning boys, I was going
to put on my coat, —

" Stop," says he, « TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES !"

Ruthless, brutal villain ! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them down —
horsed me — and / toas flogged, sir; yes, flogged ! Oh, revenge ! I, Robert Stubbs,
who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally flogged at ten years of age .
— Though February was the shortest mouth, I remembered it long.

i68

MARCH.

[1839.

EASTER SUNDAY.

Some people Lravc the wliL'lniing wave,
A broiling sun, or <a frozen litl- ;
Of cutting care I get my sliarCj
Tlic horror of The Carving Knife.

I wish I was a foreigner,
A Hottentot, or a beathen Turk,
Or in a poor-law union, where
They never want a knife and fork.

Before a joint, unhinged, 1 stand,
When call'd on lor a fav'rite bit,
And surely as T try my hand,
So si;re 1 put my foot in it.

Folks say I'm not a useful man ;
Yet, anxious to be serviceable.
And do them all the good I can,
They learn, with me, to wait at table.

Patient as mart)T at a stake,
I bear the baitings of relations,
Who give no quarter, while they make
O'er mangled lamb their lamentations.

I'm very slow about a brisket ;
Bacon's a bore — at duck I quake ;
To cut a pheasant's far from pleasant,
And e'en a jelly makes me shake.

From log I'd rather ran away ;
Vain flight of fancy is a wing ;
A merry thought, I sadly say,
To me is a forbidden thing.

But cut I will, and that full soon.
For some fair land where freedom lingers,
Where I can feed me with a spoon.
Or, like a Frenchman, use my fingers.

25. Equi-Boctial Gales now about.

Secure

your purse

when you

look

at the

sky,

n »»l $ b

Or so much
the worse

for your
pro-per-ty.

Pray, sir, did you mean that blow in jest ?

No, indeed, sir, I never was more in earnest

Oh ! I'm ver^ glad of it, for I never put up with a joke.

For some
there live
— how
mel-an-
choly ! —
who feed

and thrive

by others*

Folly,

1839.] 1^9

MARCH.— Showery.

When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she -was forhringuig
(tu action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out (when, dear
soul! she would not have torn the ej'esout of a flea, had it been her own injury),
and, at the very least, for having me removed from the school whore 1 bad been
so shamefully treated. But papa was stern for once, and vowed that I bad been
served quite 'right, declared that I should not be removed from the school; aiid
sent old Swish tail a brace of pheasants for what he called his kindness to mi-.
Of these the old gentleman invited me to partake, and made a very queer speech
at dinner, as he was cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and
his own detennination to be kinder still to me, if ever I ventured on such prac-
tices again ; so I was obliged to give up my old trade of lending, for the doctcir
declared that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and any one wlio j^dd
should be flogged twice as much. There was no standing against such a pro-
hibition as this, and my little commerce Avas ruined.

I was not very high in the school : not having been able to get fiii ther than
that di'eadful Propria quce maribus in the Latin grammar, of which, though I
have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable — but, on account
of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was allowed to have tho
privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to walk about in the town ; great
dandies we were, too, when we thus went out. I recollect my costume very
well : a thunder-and-lightning coat, a white waistcoat, embroidered neatly at
the pockets, a lace frill, a pair of knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or
silk stockings. This did very well, but still I was dissatisfied, I wanted a jiair
of boots. Three boys in the school had boots — I was mad to have them too.

There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in our towninthoso-
days, Avho afterwards made his fortune in London ; I determined to have the
boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or two, either to
leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me, or to screw the money
from mamma, and so pay him.

So I called upon this man, Stiffelkind was his name, and he took my measui'O
for a pair.

"You are a vary young gentleman to wear dop boots," said the shoemaker.
" I suppose, fellow," says I, " that is my business and not yours ; either make
the boots or not — but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak respectfully ; "
and I i)oured out a number of oaths, in order to impress him with a notion of
my respectability.

They had the desired effect. — "Staj^, sir," says he, "I have a nice littel pair
of dop boots dat I tink will jost do for you," and he produced, sure enough, the
most elegant things I oversaw. " Day were made," said he, "for de Honourable
Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but Avere too small."

" Ah, indeed !" said I, " Stiffney is a relation of mine : and Avhat, you scoun-
drel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things?" He replied, "Threo
pounds."

"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear, but as you will have a long
time to Avait for your money, Avhy I shall have my I'eveuge, you see." The
man looked alarmed, and began a speech : " Sare, I cannot let dem go vidout;"
— but a bright thought struck me, and I inteiTupted — " Sir ! don't sir me — taka
off the boots, felloAA', and, hark ye ! when you speak to a nobleman, don't sa^ '
— Sir."

"A hundei't tousand pardons, my lort," saj-s he: "if I had knoAvn you Avero
a lort, I vood never have called you, Sir. Vat name shall I put down in my
books?"

"Name?— oh ! AA^hy- Loud Cornaa'ALLIS, to be sure," said I, as 1 Avalked cff
in the boots.

"And A'at shall I do vid my lort's shoes?" " Keep them until I send for
them," said I ; and, giving him a patronizing boA\', I AA^alked out of the shop, as
the German tied up my shoes in a paper. * * * *

This sioij I would not haye toki, but that mj Avhole life turned upon these

I^O THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1S39.

accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and easily
succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the manner in -which I came by my new
ornaments.

Well, one fatal Monday moniing, the blackest of all black-Mondays that ever
1 knew — as we were all of us playing between school -hours — I saw a posse of
boys round a stranger, who suemed to bo looking out for one of us— a sudden
trembling seized me — I knew it was Stiffelkind: what had brought him here ?
He talked loud, and seemed angry — so I rushed into the school-room, and,
binyiug my head between my hands, began reading for the dear life.

"I vantLort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker. "His lortship be-
longs, 1 know, to dis honourable school, for I saw him vid do boys at chm-ch,
yesterday."
" Lord who ?"

" Vy, Lort Cornvallis, to be sure— a very fat yong nobleman, vid red haii', ho
squints a little, and svears dreadfully."

" There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one — and there was a pause.
"Stop! I have it!" says that odious Bunting, "/if must be Stubbs ;^^ and
" Stubbs ! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as
not to hear a word.

At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the school-room, and seizing
3ach an aitn, run me into the play-ground — bolt up against the shoemaker.

" Dis is my man — I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, " I have brought
your lortship's shoes, vich you left — see, dey have been in dis parcel ever
since you vent avay in my boots."

"Shoes, fellow!" says I, " I never saw your face before ;" for I Imew there
was nothing for it but brazening it out. " Upon the honour of a gentleman,"
said I, turnin groimd to the boys — they hesitated; and if the trick had turned
• in my favour, fifty of them would have seized hold of Stiffelkind, and driibbed
him soundly.

"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!), "let's see the shoes — if they fit him,
why, then, the cobbler's right." They did fit me, and not only that, but the
name of STUBBS was written in them at full length.

" Vat.'" said Stiffelkind, " is ho not a lort ? so help me himmel, I never did
vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying, ever since, in dis
piece of brown paper ;" and then gathering anger as he went on, thundered out
so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that the boys roared with
laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the disturbance, and asked Avhat
the noise meant.

" It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his shoemaker,
about the price of a pair of top-boots."

" 0, sir " said I, " it was only in fun that I called myself Lord CornAvallis."
" In fun ! Where are the boots ? And you, sir, give me yom' bill." My
beautiful boots were brought ; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. "Lord Corn-
Avallis to Samuel Stiifellrind, for a pair of boots — four guineas."

" You have been fool enough, su'," says the doctor, looking very stem, "to
let this boy impose upon you as a lord ; and knave enough to charge him double
the value of the article j^ou sold him. Take back the boots, sir, I wont pay a
penny of your bill ; nor can you get a penny. As for you, sir, you miserable
swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did before, but I shall send you
home : you are not fit to be the companion of honest boys."

'■'• Siqyposeioe ducl:kim\>Qioxe he goes," piped out a very small voice. The
doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room ; and the boys knew by
this they might have their will. They seized me, and carried me to the play-
ground pump — they pumped upon me until I was half dead, and the monster,
Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the operation lasted.

I suppose the doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he rung
the school-bell, and the boys wei'e obliged to leave me ; as I got out of the
trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. " Veil, my lort," says he, " you have
paid sometldug for dese boots, but not all •. by Jubider ! you shall never hear de
end 0/ dem.^' And I didn't.

18390

APRIL.

171

FIRST DAY OF TEmi.— Effects before Causes.

15. Judges breakfast with the Lord Chancellor.

Good judges in the law are they

Of Sherry, Claret, and Tokay,

And when their lordships deign to joke,

And banish Ljttleton and Coke,

They order that the best old Port

Shall henceforth be a rule of court ;

That care shall be the fate of asses.

Their only circuits be of glasses ;

And vow, 'midst clattering peals and thumpers,

To charge no juries save in bumpers.

So happy on such Terms as these.

They seem a court of common please,

And wish, the toils of life to soften.

That such Eetukns would come more often.

THIS FRONT

TO BE

SOLD.

6. Old Lady Day.

A learned saw does sagely say, that ancient dames should have their day,
And calendars, 'tis very clear, provide it always once a-year ;
Thus, dearing, sneering, canting, kind, the kiss before, the bite behind,
Fair fames, foul names, and Hyson Tea, all go to pot right merrilie.

Come, now, I propose we try a rubber. — I'm shocked to hear it, I hope he'll
drub her; these matches seem such infant's play; — Why, they're rather
childish, but it wont do to throw a chance away, — And therefore you lose
the trick, my dear : She'd give 'em the game if I'd let her. — Oh ! I'm quite
shock'd. — Don't mention it, ma'am, I suppose you know no better. — But as to
Melbourne, people say, he's now grown quite a fixture. — Well, that may be ;
there are some shams, but it's genuine Howqua's Mixture. — Oh ! I've disco-
ver'd a thing so strange, I could set you all by the ears if I chose it ; but I
greatly mind your peace of mind, so I never, never, never will disclose it. —
Ah ! what can it be, whisper to me, or I never shall live to leave the place. —
Then I fear it's your lot to die on the spot, but, as a very great secret, these
are the facts of the case ;_********

I'J2 THE COMIC ALMANACK, [1839,

APEIL.— FooMNG.

After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting- establishment, an J lived for
some time along with i)a and mamma at home. My education was finished, at
least mamma and I agreed that it was : and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood
(which I take to hv jibout the sixteenth year of tlie life of a young man, and may
be likened to the month of April when spring begins to bloom), from fourteen until
seventeen, I say, I remained at home, doing nothing, for which I ever since have
had a great taste, the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with
father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket-
money. I'oor soul ! many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way ;
and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure.

I'apa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put to some pro-
fession ; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a gentleman, and not a
tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. Everybody Avas a soldier
in those times, for the French war had just begun, and the whole country was
swarming with militia regiments. " We'll get him a commission in a marching
regiment," said my father; " as we have no money to purchase him up, he'll Jight
his way, I make no doubt ;" and papa looked at me, with a kind of air of contempt,
as much as to say he doubtid whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous
way of bettering myself.

I wish you could have heard mamma's screech, when he talked so coolly of my
going out to fight. " What, send him abroad ! across the horrid, horrid sea — to be
wrecked and, perhaps, drowned, and only to land for the purpose of fighting the
wicked Frenchmen, — to be wounded, and perhaps kick — kick — killed ! Oh,
Thomas, Thomas ! would you murder me and your boy ?" There was a regular
scene ; — however it ended, as it always did, in mother's getting the better, and it
was settled that I should go into the militia. And why not ? the uniform is just as
handsome, and the danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my
whole military experience I ever fought anything-, except an old woman, who had
th impudence to hallo out, " Heads up, lobster !" — Well, I joined the North Bungays
and was fairly launched into the world.

I was not a handsome man, I know ; but there was something about me — that's
very evident — for the girls always laughed when they talked to me, and the men,
though they affected to call me a poor little creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, red-
head, and so on, were evidently annoyed by my success, for they hated me so con-
foundedly. Even at the present time they go on, though I have given up galli-
vanting, as I call it. But in the April of my existence — that is, in Anno Domini
17 91, or so — it was a different case; and having nothing- else to do, and being
b-'ut upon bettering- my condition, I did some very pretty things in that way.
But I was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows. — Don't fancy I
looked for beauty ! Pish! — I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper ; I don't care
about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in two years. What!
wanted was to get on in the world. Of course, I didn't prefer an ugly Avoman, era
shrew; and, when the choice offered, would certainly put up with a handsome,
good-humoured girl, with plenty of money, as any honest man would.

Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen Crutty, with
twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a girl as ever I saw), and
JMiss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling, peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-
skinned lass, with only ten. Mary Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, whc
had helped me into the world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge
very soon after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates
so fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our house: and I
used to call her my little wife, as soon as I could speak, and before she could
walk, almost. It was beautiful to see us, the neighbours said.

Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be captain, and
actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about ten years old, a:id
promised her five thousand more, there was a great talking, and bobbing, and
smiling, between the Doctor and my parents, and Mary and I were left together
more than ever, and she Avas told to call me her little husband : and she did, and it
was considered 3, settled thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me.

iS39J

POOLING. 173

Can any one call me mercenary after that ? Tliough Jtiss Crutty had twelve
thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in tlie bush). I stuck faith-
fully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss Waters. The fact
was, Mary had all the country dan-?ling after her, and not a soul would come to
Magdalen, for all her £12,000. I used to be attentive to her, though (as it's
always useful to be); and Mary would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my
flirting with Magdalen. This I thought proper very quickly to check. " 3Iary,"
s:iid I, " you know that my love for you is disinterested, — for I am faithful to you,
though Miss Crutty is richer than you. Don't ily into a rage, then, because I pay
her attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged to you,"
The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the having two
strings to your bow. " Who knows ?" thought I, "Jlary may die ; and then wheie
are my £10,000?" So I used to be very kind indeed to Miss Crutty; and well it
Mas that I was so : for when I was twenty, and Mary eighteen. I'm blest if news
did not arrive that Captain Waters, who was coming home to England with all liii
money in rupees, had been taken — ship, rupees, self and all — by a French pri-
vateer ; and IMary, instead of £10,000, had only £-3000, making a difference of no
less than £3-30 per annum betwixt her and jMiss Crutty.

I had just joined my regiment fthe famous North Bungay Fencibles, Colonel
Craw commanding) when this news reached me ; and you may fancy how a young
man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and whatnot to pay
for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing such news ! " My dearest
Itobert," wrote Miss W'aters, " will deplore my dear brother's loss : but not, I am
pure, the money which that kind and generous soul had promised me. I have still
live thousand pounds, and with tliis and your own little fortune (I had £1000 in the
five per cents. !) we shall be as hf.ppy and contented as possible."

Happy and contented, indeed ! Didn't I know how my father got on with his
£300 a-year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred a-year to
my narrow income, and live himself! i\Iy mind was made up — I instantly mounted
the coach, and flew to our village, — to Mr. Crutty's, of course. It was next door
to Doctor Bates's ; but I had no business there.

I found M;igdalen in the garden. " Heavens, Mr. Stubbs !" said she, as in my
new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never — such a handsome officer —
expect to see you;" and she made as if she would blush, and began to tremble
violently. I led her to a garden seat. I seized her hand — it was not withdrav\n.
1 pressed it; — I thought the pressure was returned. I flung myself on my knees,
and then I poured into lier car a little speech which T had made on the top of the
coach. " Divine Miss Crutty," said I ; " idol of my soul ! It W'as but to catch one
glimpse of you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to breathe the
secret passion (oh, no ! of course not) which was wearing my life away. You
know my unfortunate pre-engagement, — it is broken, and for ever! I ?.m free ! —
free, but to be your slave, — your humblest, fondest, truest slave :" and so on. *
" O, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, "I can't refuse
you ; but I fear you are a sad, naughty man." *****
Absorbed in the delicious reverie wiiich was caused by the dear creature's con-
fusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have remained so for hours,
l)i'rhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not been suddenly roused by a voice
exclaiming from behind us,

"Don't cri/^ Mary: he is a sivindlinf/, sneaMng scoundrel^ and you are well rid
of h hn .'"

I turned round ! O, Heaven ! there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's arm,
while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost scorn. The
gardener who had let me in had told them of my arrival, and now stood grinning
behind them. " Imperence !" was my Magdalen's only exclamation, as she flounced
by with the utmost self-possession, while I, glancing daggers at the spies, followed
lier. ^Ve retired to the parlour, where she repeated to me the strongest assurancea
of her love.

I thought I was a made man, Ala,s ! I was only an ArrJL FOOL 1

MAY.

[1S39.

THE CONCERT SEASON.

I hate all amateurs who play the flute —

All sulky singing ladies who sit mute—

I hate a^piece, made up of variations

On tiresome ditties borrow'd from all nations j

I hate, although I love a cheerful song,

To be obliged to listen all night long.

State of the
Weather.

Hocus Pocus
look for

That very merry pleasant month of May

Is made iur Music, as the poets say ;

Whether in shady groves we seek retreat,

Or view the Concert bills in Eegent-street,

'Twould seem as though the world was gone a-singing —

Green bowers and Opera boxes all are ringing

With strains of melody that pour upon us,

From thrushes, nightingales, and prima Donnas.

The little birds sing treeos in each nook.

And turn over the leaves for want of book ;

While operas, scored for twenty kettle-di'ums

By Costa, sent to pot our tympanums.

But what harmonious armies now besiege

The ears and pockets of each simple liege :

Jew German minstrels, in "VYhitechapel born,

Brazen performers on a brazen horn.

And he who, having nothing to put in

His empty mouth, plays tunes upon his chin.

Forsaking soap, my washerwoman's daughters
Practise soprano, '-'o'er* the dark blue waters,"
On drying days supreme their glory shines,
And soars aloft, to C above the lines.
But far and wide they solo, catch, and glee 'em
At Eagle, Conduit, Stingo, Call-an-seum,
Where unknown throngs from unknown regions go,
For gin, tobacco, and " The Chough and Crow,"
And Melodists', where shopmen, quite subhme,
In counter-tenor murder tune and time.
And while for pleasure, perhaps, abroad they roam,
A little concert waits for them at home.

Hoaxem

Eolksem

Fine

again !

"Would you

know the

"Wet from

Dry,

"Bui/, Buy, Buy.**

It's like to

CHAi^aE when

cats do cry.

1839.] t^5

MAY. — Restoration Day.

As the uiontli of JLay is considered, by poets and other pliilosopliers, to bo
devoted by Nature to tlio great purpose of love-making, I may as well tako
advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of ?»^ amours.

Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign, I had completely won the heart of
my Magdalen ; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the Doctor, there
was a complete split between us, as you may fancy ; Miss, pretending, for-
sooth, that she was glad I had broken off the match, though she would have
given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on. again. But this was out of
the question. My father, who had all sorts of queer notions, said I had acted
like a rascal in the business ; my mother took my part, in course, and declared
I acted rightly, as I always did : and I got leave of absence from the regiment
in order to press my beloved Magdalen to marry me out of hand — kno-\ving,
from reading and experience, the extraordinary mutability of human affairs.

Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as bad
in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim king of
terrors might not carry her off before she became mine .' With the tenderest
wai-mth, then, and most delicate ardour, I continued to press my suit. The
happy day was fixed — the ever-memorable 10th of May, 1792 ; the wedding
clothes were ordered ; and, to make things secure, I penned a little paragraph
for the county paper to this effect : — " Man-iage in High Life. We understand
that Ensign Btubbs, of the North Bungay Feucibles, and son of Thomas Stubbs,
of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead to the hymeneal altar the lovely
and accomplished daughter of Solomon Crutty, Esquii-e, of the same place. A
fortime of twenty thousand pounds is, we hear, the lady's portion. ' None but
the brave deserve the fair.' " * * * *

" Have you infonned your relatives, my beloved," said I to Magdalen one

day after sending the above notice ; " will any of them attend at your marriage ?"

"Uncle Sam will, I daresay," said Miss Crutty, " dear mamma's brother."

"And who ivas your dear mamma.'" said I, for Miss Crutty's respected

parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in

the family.

Magdalen blushed, and cast doAvn her eyes to the ground. " Mamma was a
foreigner," at last she said.
"And of what country?"

" A GeiTnan ; papa married her when she was very young : — she was not of
a very good family," said Miss Crutty, hesitating.

"And what care I for family, my love," said I, tenderly kissing the knuckles
of the hand which I held ; " she must have been an angel who gave birth to
you."

" She was a shoemaker's daughter."

A German shoemaTcer ! hang 'em, thought I, I have had enough of them, and
so I broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me. * *

Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were
read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub : and
I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of twelve
thousand pounds in the^re per cents., as they were in those days. Heaven bless
cm! Little did I know the storm that was brewing, and the disappointment
which was to fall upon a young man who really did his best to get a fortune.

"0 Robert!" said my Magdalen to mo, two days before the match was to
come off, " I have such a kind letter from uncle Sam, in London. I wi'ote to
him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-moiTOw ; that he has
heai'd of you often, and knows your character very well, and that he has got a
very handsome present for us ! What can it be, I wonder ?"
" Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says 1.

"He is a bachelor with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to."
"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds," says I.
" Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some comer dishes," says she.
But we could not agree to this : it Avas too little — too mean for a man of heij
uncle's wealth ; and we both determined it must be the thousand pounds.

1)6 tllE COMIC ALMANAClv. L^^39

"Dear, good uncle! lie's to be here by the coach," saj^s Magdalen. "Let us
ask a little party to meet him." And so we did, and so they came. My father
and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was to man-y us next
day. The coach was to come in at six. And there was the tea-table, and there
was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and smiling to i-eceive our dear uncle
from JiOndon.

Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the Green Dragon with a
portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I just caught a
glimpse — a venerable old gentleman — I thought I'd seen him before. * *

Then there was a ring at the bell ; then a scuffling and bumping at the pas-
sage: thi'u old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking, and " IIoio
are your and so on, was heard at the door; and then the parlour-door was
flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice —

•' Good people all ! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND !"

^[|\ Stiffdkiml! — I trembled as I heard the name '

Miss Crutty kissed him ; mamma made him a curtsey, and papa made him a
bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most warmly
— then came my turn !

"Vat," says he, "it is my dear goot yong friend from Doctor Schvis'hen-
tail's ! is dis the youg gentleman's honotirable moder" (mamma smiled and made
a curtsey), "and dis his fader! Sare and madam, you should be broud of soch a
sonn. And you, my niece, if you have him for a husband you vil be lock}', dat
is all. Vat dink you, broder Crotty, and Madame Stobbs, I ave made your sonn's
boots, ha ! ha I"

My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he has
as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county."

Old Stiffelkind roared louder. " A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very slieap
hoot too ! Vat, you did not know I make his boots ! Perhaps you did not knoAV
someting else too — i)'rhaps you did not know" (and here the monster clapped his
hand on the table, and made the punch-ladle tremble in the bowl), "p'rhaps you
did not know as dat yong man, dat Stobbs, dat sneaking, baltry, squinting fel-
low, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot a pair of boots from me and never paid
for dem. Dat is noting, nobody never pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and
called himself Lord Cornvallis. And I was fool enoiigh to believe him vonce.
But look you, niece Magdalen, I ave got five tousaud pounds, if j^ou marry him
I vil not give you a benny ; but look you, what I will gif you, I bromised you
a bresent, and I vil give you dese!"

And the old monster produced those A'ERY boots which Swish tail had made
Lim take back. *******

I dW/iVmairy Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a nasty,
ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since.

And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that imlucky j^aragraph in
th'3 county paper— I'll tell you how.

in th3 first place, it was taken up as a qiiiz by one of the wicked, profligate,
unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be very facetious about
the " Marriage in High Life," and made all sorts of jokes about me and m}' dear
Miss Crutty.

Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting,
who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my adventure Avith
him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign upstart.

Thirdly, he happened to want a pan- of shoes mended at this pai-ticular period,
and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch Cobbler, he told him
his old friend Stubbs was going to be married.

" And to whom ?" said old Stiffelkind, "to a voman wit gelt, I vil take my oath."
"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl — a Miss Magdalen Carotty or Crotty,
a place called Sloffemsquiggle."

'■'• Schloffemsdnoiegel r bursts out the dreadful bootmaker, "MeinGott, meinGott!
das geht nicht — I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is my niece. I vill go
down myself. I vill never let her marry dat goot-for-noting schwindler and
teif." Sach was the language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me (

HOW TO SCREW A^ AUTHOR.— A^r. tilop's Comiylaint.

20. Mr. Self- Talfourd withdrew liis Copyright Bill, 1838.

"Words are

O Longman, Longman, Orme, Brown, Green, and Co.

And other dons of Paternoster Row !

O enemies of authors here below.

From those who're great to those who are but so —

so;
Against you, Slop indignant does comijlain.
Clanks in your face his literary chain ;
Stop, tyrants ! who, for your peculiar gain.
By day and night the contents of his brain

drain.
He sows the seed, you gather in the crops ;
You sack the till, and he supplies your shops ;
You quaff champagne, while meanest malt and hops
Do scarcely once a fortnight enter Slop's

chops.
So wickedly does fortune treat our crew ;
So partially she deals betwixt us two ;
Nothing can miserable authors do
But squeeze and squeeze, while pitilessly you

screw,
Until you squeeze the hapless carcass dry.
For such great wrongs is there no remedy ?
O, callous House of Commons ! tell us why
You pass poor authors' wrongs so careless-ly

by?
Be these the terms for literary men :
First pay us autliors^ let booksellers then
Feed after us wlio wield the godlike pen.
O what sliall L O. U, learn'd ION, wlicn,

Thy happy bill, by law shall here prevail,
Leaving to me (and to my sons in tail),
Of all my works the profit of tlie sale :
As for tlie publishers — why, rat it, the)/ II

Wind,

Di icing a Bitrgaiu /

Never think

to please

a Poet.

I'jS THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1839.

JUNE — Marrowbones and Cleavers.

"Was there ever such confounded ill-luek ? My whole life has been a tissue of ill
luck : although I have laboured, perhaps, harder than any man to make a fortune-
something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I was not hke others. It
my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance ; and you see how some unlucky
blow would come and throw them over. In the army I was just as prudent, and
just as unfortunate. What with judicious betting, and horse-swapping, good luck
at billiards, and economy, I do believe I put by my pay every year,— and that is
what few can say who have but an allowance of a hundred a-year.

I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men ; I chose their
horses for them, and their wine ; and showed them how to play billiards, or ecarte,
of long mornings, when there was nothing better to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather
die than cheat ; but if fellows u-ill play, I wasn't the man to say no — why should
I ? There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared
3001. a-year.

His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a gentleman.
A poor, weak young creature ; easy to be made tipsy : easy to be cheated ; and
easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I foimd him ; for if anybody
else had, they would have plucked him of every shilling.

Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and chose
his champagne : and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind does for an
inferior — when the inferior has got the money. We were inseparables — hunting
everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall in love with two sisters, as young
soldiers will do, you know ; for the dogs fall in love with every change of quarters.

Well: once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped poor
Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword by side, had
cast our eyes upon two young ladies, by the name of Brisket, daughters of a butcher
in the town where we were quartered. The dear girls fell in love with us, of
course. And many a pleasant walk in the country; many a treat to a tea-garden;
many a smart riband and brooch, used Dobble and I (for his father allowed him
COO?., and our purses were in common) to present to these young ladies. One day,
fancy our pleasui-e at receiving a note couched thus : —

"Deer Capting Stubbs and Dobble — Miss Briskets presents their compliments,
and as it is probble that our papa will be till 12 at the corprayshun dinner, we
request the pleasure of their company to tea."

Didn't we go ! Punctually at six we were in the little back parlour; we quaffed
more Boliea, and made more love, than half-a-dozen ordinary men could. At nine,
a little punch-bowl succeeded to the Uttle tea-pot ; and, bless the girls ! a nice
fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron for our supper. Butchers were butchers
then, and their parlour was their kitchen, too ; at least old Brisket's was. — One
door leading into the shop, and one into the yard, on the other side of which was
the slaughter-house.

. Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the shop door
open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky voice from the shop,
shouting, "Hallo, Susan! hallo, Betsy! show a light!" Dobble turned as white
as a sheet ; the two girls each as red as a lobster ; I alone preserved my presence
of mind. "The back door," says I. — " The dog's in the court," says they. "He's
not so bad as the man," says I. " Stop," cries Susan, flinging open the door, and
rushing to the fire : " take this, and perhaps it will quiet him."

What do you think " this" was ? I'm blest if it was not the steak!

She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a minute.
The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house, where there hung
a couple of white, ghastly-looking carcasses of a couple of sheep ; a great gutter
ran down the court — a gutter of blood! — the dog was devouring his beefsteak (our
beefsteak) in silence, — and we could see through the little window the girls bustling
about to pack up the supper-things, and presently the shop door opened, old Brisket
entered, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see, perched on a
high stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old Brisket, the feather o/Dobble'a

j839-1 marrowbones and cleavers. 179

cocked hat: When Dobble saw it he turned white, and deadJy sick ; and the poor
fellow, in an agony of fright, sunk shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting
blocks which was in the yard.

We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he coukl) at the confounded
impudent, pert waggling feather ; and then an idea began to dawn upon his mind,
that there was a head to the hat; and then he slowly rose up — he was a man of
six feet, and fifteen stone — he rose up, put on his apron and sleeves, and took doion
his cleaver.

" Betsy," says he, " open the yard door." But the poor girls screamed, and flung
on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best to prevent him.
"OPEN THE YAKD DOOR," says he, with a thundering loud voice; and the
great bull-dog, hearing it, started up, and uttered a yell which sent me flying to
the other end of the court — Dobble couldn't move; he was sitting on the block,
blubbering like a baby.

The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came.

" To him, Joxoler,'" says he, '■'■keep Mm, JowUrr — and the horrid dog flew at me,
and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, determining to sell ray life
dearly.

" That's it," says Brisket, "keep him there, — good dog, — good dog! And now,
sir,'' says he, turning to Dobble, " is this your hat V"

" Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright.

" Well, then,'' says Brisket, "it's my— (hick)— my painful duty to— (liick)— tc
tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your head ; — it's painful, but it
must be done. You'd better — (hick) — settle yourself com — comfumarably against
that — (hick) — that block, and I'll chop it ofE before you can say Jack — (hick) — no,
I mean Jack Kobinson."

Dobble went down on his knees, and shrieked out, " I'm an only son, Mr,
Brisket ! I'll marry her, sir ; I will, upon my honour, sir. — Consider my mother,
sir; consider my mother."

" That's it, sir," says Brisket — " that's a good boy — (hick) — a good boy; just put
your head down quietly — and I'll have it off — yes, off — as if you were Louis the
Six — the Sixtix — the Sixtickleteenth. — I'll chop the other chap afterwards.''

When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as any
man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I was going
to escape, flew at my throat ; screaming furious, I flung out my arms in a kind of
desperation, — and, to my wonder, down fell the dog, dead, and run through the
body!

*******

At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket — one of his
daughters had had the sense to summon them — and Dobble's head was saved.
And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly look, my bloody
sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. "A terrible fellow, that
Stubbs,'' said they ; and so the mess said, the next day.

I didn't tell them that the dog had committed suicide — why should I ? And I
didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave fellow, and
fought like a tiger ; and this prevented him from telling tales. I had the dog-skin
made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked so fierce, and got such a name for
courage in our regiment, that when we had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs wa;*
always the man put forward to support the honour of the corps. The women, you
know, adore courage ; and such was my reputation at this time, that I might have
had my pick out of.lialf-a-dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds a-piece,
who were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I had
been twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed ; and I vowed by all
the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon this, as an infallible
maxim to guide you through life — Ws as easy to get a rich loife as a poor one; — the
same bait that will hook a fly will hook a salmon.

iSo JULY. [1839.

1. New registration of births commenced, 1837.

( " Now, Sir, the father's name — thig column — so —
F iiADiT. j .^.j^^j.^^ ^^^^ well -what is it ?"- ;;^^^<^' !

THE rOKCE OF

SO-HO-LOGICAL SOCIETY.

At the annual July meeting of this renowned establishment, petitions were
presented from the animals of the menagerie, respecting their grievances: the
following were the greatest cases of hardship : — The Carnivora, in a body,
complained of a diminution and recent alteration in their diet ; the Society
having, from a regard to economy and its diminished finances, changed their
food fiom good ox beef to asses' flesh. They feared that, should they become
addicted to this kind of viand, they might, in a moment of desperation, be
tempted, from the similarity, to make free with the bodies of any of the mem-
bers that came in their way, a piece of ingratitude of which the great brown
bruin, in particular, said he could not bear the thought. The Eoyal Tigers
complained that some of their family had been carried off by a disorder re-
sembling the " King's evil ;" this they attributed to the Society's being
under Royal patronage, which they had, in the course of their travels, ob-
served to be fatal in many other establishments. The Dogs begged that, if
they were to have no more meat, they might, at least, be indulged wdth a
copy of " South on the Bones." The beasts and birds, generally, declared
themselves ashamed of the shabby appearance of their friends in the Museum,
asserting that, living and dead, they were alike badly stuffed. The Parrots
f.poke of the smallness of their cages, which, they entreated, might be en-
larged in dimensions by at least a perch or two. The whole tribe of Siraice,
like the Baronets, prayed for a badge of distinction. They stated that their
appearance was so closely imitated by numerous individuals who crowded
around their cages on fine days in the fashionable season, that their visitors
did not know one from the other, and frequently asked " Which aj'e the
monkeys ?"

All the animals prayed the benefit of clergy for the remission of their Sun-
day fasts, and implored the Bishop of London, though he could not get them
a holiday on that day, to at least interfere to procure them a dinner.

15. St S within begins to re?^??. Umbrellas look up.

1 839-] SUMMERY PKOCEEDIKGS. l8l

JULY. — Summery Proceedixgs,
Double's reputation for courage was not increased by the butclier's-dog adven-
ture ; but mine stood very high : little Stubbe was voted the boldest chap of all
the bold North-Bungays. And though I must confess, what was proved by
subsequent circumstances, that Nature has not endowed me with a large, or
even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is very willing to
flatter himself of the contrary; and, after a little time, I got to believe that mv
killing the dog was an action of undaunted courage ; and that I was as gallant
as any one of the hundred thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military
taste — it's only the brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting, and bleed,
that I don't like.

I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself — being only militia ; but,
certain it was that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow, and I swore
so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied I had made half a
hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels ; the umpire in all disputes ;
and such a crack-shot myself that fellows were shy of insulting me. As for
Dobble, I took him under my protection ; and he became so attached to me that
we ate, drank, and rode together, every day ; his father didn't care for money,
so long as his son was in good company — and what so good as that of the cele-
brated Stubbs .-* Heigho! I ivas good company in those days, and a brave fellow,
too, as I should have remained, but for — what I shall tell the public immediately.
It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North-Bungays were
quartered at Portsmouth ; a maritime place, which I need not descx-ibe, and
which I wish I had never eeen. I might have been a General now, or, at least,
a rich man.

The red-coats canied everything before them in those days ; and I, such a
crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by the toAvns-
IDeople ; many dinners I had ; many toa-parties ; many lovely yoimg ladies did
I lead down the pleasant country-dances.

Well ; although I had had the two former rebuffs in love, which I have de-
scribed, my heart was still young ; and the fact was, knowing that a girl witli a
fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as ever. I shan't
describe the lovely creatures on whom I had fixed whilst at Portsmouth. I
tried more than — several — and it is a singular fact, which I never have been
able to accoimt for, that, successful as I was with ladies of maturer age, by the
young ones I was refused regular.

But " faint heart never won fair lady ;" and so I went on, and on, until I had
really got a Miss Clopper, a tolerably rich navy-contractor's daughter, into such
a way that I really don't think she could have refused me. Her brotlier, Captain
Clopper, was in a line reginient, and helped me as much as ever he could ; he
swore I was such a brave fellow.

As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined to invite
him to dinner ; which I could do withoiit any sacrifice of my principle, upon tliis
point ; for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn — and as he sent all his bills to his
father, 1 made no scruple to use his table. We dinod in the coffee-room ; Dobble
bringing his friend, and so we made a party carrij^ as the French say. Some
naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours.

Well — I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or my friends ; and we grew
very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went on. Each man told
stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the ladies, as officers will, after
dinner. Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his
sister, and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom.

Ensign Dobble assented to this — "But let Miss Clopper beware," says he,
"for Stubbs is a sad fellow; he has had I don't know how many liaisons
already ; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women."
" Indeed !" says Clopper. " Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures."
" Psha !" said I, modestly, " there is nothing, indeed, to tell ; I have been in
love, my dear boy — who has not ? — and I have been jilted — who has not?"
Clopper swore that he would blow his sister's brains out if ever s/^e served me so.

t8^ the comic almanack. [1839

" Tell Lim about Miss Cn;tty," said Dobble ; " he ! he ! Stubbs served that
woman out, any how ; she didn't jilt hhn, I'll be sworn."

"Eeally, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names ; the fact
is, the girl was desperately in love with mo, and had money — sixty thousand
pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when, who
should come down from Loudon, but a relation."

" Well ; and did he prevent the match ?"

" Prevent it — yes, sir, I believe you, he did ; though not in the sense that you
mean ; he would have given his 03-es : ay, and ten thousand pounds more, if 1
would have accepted the girl, but I would not."

" Why, in the name of goodness ?"

" Sir, her uncle was a shocvuiker. I never would debase myself by man-ying
into such a family."

" Of course not," said Dobble, "he covildn't, you know. Well, now — tell him
about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know."

"Hush, Dobble, hush ! don't you see one of those naval officers has turned
round and heard you ? My dear Cloppcr, it was a mere childish bagatelle,"

"Well, but lot's have it," said Clopper, "let's have it ; I won't tell my sister,
you Icnow ;" and he j)ut his hand to his nose, and looked monstrous wise.

"Nothing of that sort, Clopper — no, no — 'pon honour — little Bob Stubbs is no
Uhertine ; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has a small place,
merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it a funny name ? Hang it,
there's the naval gentleman staring again, — (I looked terribly fierce as I returned
this officer's stare, and continued in a loud, careless voice) well — at this Sloffem-
squiggle there lived a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothe-
cary in the neighbourhood ; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her
up to the park, and petted her. We were both young — and — and — the girl fell
in love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm
advances that she made me ; and here, upon my honour as a gentleman, you
have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise."

Just as I finished this sentence, I foimd myself suddenly taken by the nose,
and a voice shouting out, —

"Mr. Stubbs, you are A Liar Ais'D A ScouisrDREL ! take this, sir, — and this, for
daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady."

I turned round as well as I could, for the ruffian had pulled me out of my chair,
and beheld a great mai'ine monster, six feet high, who was occupied in beating
and kicldug me, in the most uugcntlemanly manner, on my cheeks, my ribs, and
between the tails of my coat. " He is a liar, gentlemen, and a scoundrel ; the
bootmaker had detected him in swindling, and so his niece refused him. Miss
Waters was engaged to him from childhood, and he deserted her for the boot-
maker's niece, who was richer;" — and then sticking a card betAveen my stock
and my coat-collar, in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute
gave me another blow behind my bade, and left the coffee-room with his friends.

Dobble raised me up ; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN
WATEPiS. Clopper povu-ed me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, " If
this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me, after
Captain Waters," and he flounced out of the room.

I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and contemptuous
note, sajnug, that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopj)er, I did not con-
descend to notice his remark ; but in order to get rid of the troublesome society
of these low blackguards, I determined to gratifj' an inclination I had long enter-
tained, and make a little tour. I applied for leave of absence, and set off that
very night. I can fancy the disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as
he did, the next morning, to my quarters and finding me gone^ ha ! ha!

After this adventure I became sick of a military life — at least, the life of my
ou'n regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable meanness and
j5rejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess. Colonel Craw sent
me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it deserved. — I never once alluded
to it in any way, and have since never spoken a single word to any man in tha
North-Bun gays.

1839.] i83

Association of British Illuminati, to he held in the Toimi Sail,
Birmingham, in August, 1839.

[We have been specially favoured witli an account of some of the most im-
portant affairs to be transacted at the 1839 meeting ; many of which, from
the general inaccuracy of the published report, will, perhaps, not meet the
public eye in any other way,]

The Lions of the day from all parts of the world are pledged to
be present, among others those of Mr. Yan Ambnrgh. The man
with the goats imd monkeys as yet sticks out for terms. Miss
Amany Amal and sisters will remain in tliis country, and attend,
by permission from the Adelphi, to commnnicate their interesting
discoveries in Indian Toe-pography. The president of the IlTose-all-
ogical Society will be engaged, as also Grace Darling, if not too
dear.

A Deputation from the Female Temperance Society will wait on
the section devoted to the investigation of mesmerism, to know if
they may take infinitesimal doses of brandy in their tea; and the
section of moral science will be requested, for the satisfaction of the
scrupulous, to state whether persons who abjure gin, rum, and
brandy, because they do not like them, are, therefore, fit members of
a temperance society.

Professor Murphy will announce his discovery of the real philoso-
pher's stone, by which he will prove to them the possibility of con-
verting all sorts of rubbish into gold. It is intended to present to
him the freedom of the town in a brass snuff-box.

Dr. Crow will read a paper on the sagacity of rooks, in which he
will propound and defend the extraordinary conjecture that they
never make a noise without caws.

A Deputation from the Fellows of the Zoological Society will
attend, to request the Homoeopathic section to devise some means
for the apj)lication of animal magnetism to the purpose of drawing
more visitors to the menagerie. Many of the public, it seems, are
cured of their wish for seeing " by smelling only ;" and as it is sup-
posed that the council " nose " all about it, they will now begin to
vent-too-late.

Mr. Owen will attempt to explain his plans for getting rid of old
discord by the establishment of New Harmony, and his peculiar
notions of the preservation of peace, by the disposal of the ladies on
tiie circulating library principle. Should he prove unable to make
his views clear, either to his auditors or himself, he will finish with
a catalogue of his own perfections, accompanied on the trumpet
stop of the town organ.

Mrs. Graham and her husband will cause to be read to the meet-
ing a paper, detailing numerous experiments, all tending to prove
that it is a popular fallacy to suppose that balloons have a tendency
to rise in the air.

Mr. Curtis will exhibit his celebrated acoustic chair, and explain

184 THE COMIC ALMANx\CK. [^839.

its capabilities. He will display the gold medal presented to liim by
Government for the loan of it during the last year, and will show
how a foreign or colonial secretary may slumber in it from morn till
night, and yet hear what is going on all over the world. Mr. Curtis
will further develope, by experim.ents on all who choose to try, its
amazing property, by which a gentleman has only to sit in the
chair, and appear to sleep, when he will be astonished to hear what
all the world says of him,

Mr. Serjeant Talfonrd will read a paper on the wrongs of authors,
and instance many affecting cases in which, after having been al-
lowed to live in splendour for a few years, they have been so reduced,
by the illiberality of the trade and the ingratitude of the public, as
to actually want a bottle of ChamiDagr 3. He will illustrate the state
of civil degradation to which they aivi reduced by the fact that at
one of his literary dinners, a gentleman who had laboured in the
Grub Street line all his life, actually did not know the names of
some of the dishes set before him. Mr. Babbage will follow, with
calculations j^roduced by his machine, jDroving that every book is
profitable, and that booksellers have neither rent, taxes, stock, nor
bad debts to trouble them. Ho will allude to the fact of a West-end
publisher having lately retired with a competence, and will suggest
the propriety of a special meeting to inquire into the circumstances
of such an atrocity. He will be supported by Captain Ross, who,
however, will not state that author-ship is the worst vessel in which
he ever put to sea.

Professor Fang, of Manchester, will present an interesting series
of tests for ascertaining the existence of the vital principle in Fac-
tory children after they drop ; and will suggest various novel stimu
lants when the billy roller has ceased to be effective. He will point
out the evil of legislating on the subject of their ages, of which he
will show the impossibility of obtaining the requisite proofs, arising
from that beautiful economy of nature which bestows nothing in
vain, and, therefore, withholds from them the usual supply of teeth,
seeing that they have no time to use them.

Dr. Doubledose will communicate some interesting discoveries in
the science of taw-tology, illustrated with real marbles. All the
town's boys will be allowed to stand at this sitting.

Many other elaborate papers will be read to the various sections ;
but, as they will generally be about nothing, it is considered that
they need trouble nobody.

_ Mrs. Williams, of the Old Bailey, will attend, for the accommoda-
tion of the visitors, with a copious supply of pewter plates, two-
pronged forks, and handsome waiting maids ; and a constant suc-
cession of buttocks and flanks, hot and hot, will be received by every
train from Euston Square.

The inhabitants of the town are determined to shew their hospi-
tality to the illustrious strangers they expect, and all the bachelors
of arts and unmarried professors will be warmly welcomed at the
houses of the single ladies.

i839-]

AUGUST.

185

1. Abolition of Negro Slavery, 1834

of Negro Appren-
[ticeship, 1838.

CHESS.— " BLACK MOVES AND WINS."

Dozing in bis easy cbair,

Round his nose mosquitoes flitting,

Sweltering in the sunny air,

Was Nine-tail Joe of Kingston sitting.

Now Nine-tailed Joe loved cheerfulness,
And he chanced in a pleasant mood to be,
So he flogged his niggers, and played at chess,
And drank a full jorum of Sangaree.

What can be the matter with flogging Joe ?
His eyes are rolling to and fro.
And be rubs bis nose with his finger and thumb,
And gasps to speak, like one that is dumb.

The forms that lately were pawns and knights,
And bishops, and queens, and kings.
Were reeling and wheeling, like so many sprites,
Or other unearthly things.

And beings all fearfully black were there,
And they roll'd their eyes at Joe,
And wildly flourished the cat in air,
And danced to " Jump Jim Crow."

Before them fled both bishop and knight.
While pawn and king were seen
Rolling and tumbling, in awful plight, —
Decorum was gone, and they fled outright, —
And surely it was a most terrible sight
AVhen the bishop fell over the queen.

With burning head and aching heart.
Up from his chair did the planter start :
But the vision had fled, and there, instead
Of dancing niggers' furious tread,
Was seen the Bill, the dreadful Bill,
The Whiggish Act of Slavery,
That made him rich against his Avill,
And stopped bini in his knavery.

St. Svvithm at
his post.

The planter's dream doth plainly seeui

To point a moral deep :
If you choose to whack a nigger's back,

You should never go to sleep

1 86 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^39

AUGUST— Dogs ha\'e their Days.

See, uow, what life is ; I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day to this.
I have suuk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and di-inking my wine,
as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to buy a pint of ale ; ay,
and am very glad when anybody will treat me to one. Why, why was I bom
to undergo such unmerited misfortunes ?

You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Onitty, and that
cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his insult to me, or I
should most certainly have blown his Drains out ; noio he is living in England,
and is my relation ; but, of course, I cut the fellow). Veiy soon after these
painful events another happened, which ended, too, in a sad disappointment.
My dear papa died, and instead of leaving five thousand poimds as I expected,
at the very least, left only his estate, which was worth but two. The land and
house M^ere left to me ; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two
thousand pounds in the hands of that eminent firm, Messrs. Pump, Aldgate, and
Co., which failed -within six months after his demise ; and paid in five years about
one shilling and niueponce in the pound ; which really was all my dear mother
and sisters had to live upon.

The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters ; and, would yon
believe it ? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only
smiled, and threw her eyes np to Heaven, and said, "Blessed be God, that we
have still wherewithal to live : there are tens of thousands in this world, dear
children, who would count our j)overty riches." And with this she kissed my
two sisters, who began to bhibber, as girls always will do, and threw their arms
round her neck, and then round my neck, until I was half stifled with their em-
braces, and slobbered all over with their tears.

"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in which
you bear your loss ; and more still to know that you are so rich as to be able to
put up Avith it." The fact was, I really thought the old lady had got a private
hoard of her own, as many of them have — a thousand pounds or so in a stocking.
Had she put by tliirty pounds a year, as well she might, for the thu'ty years of
her marriage, there would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake.
But still I was angry to think that any such paltry concealment had been prac-
tised— concealment too of my money ; so I turned on her pretty shai-ply, and
continued my speech. " You saj^ ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and
Aldgate's faihn-e has no effect upon you. I am very happy to hear you say so,
ma'am — very happy that you ai^e rich ; and I should like to know where your
property, ray father's property, for you had none of your own, — I should like to
know where this money lies — loliere you have concealed it, ma'am, and permit me
to say, that when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for eighty pounds a
year, I did not know that you had other resources than those mentioned in my
blessed father's will."

This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not because
I lost b}'- the bargain of boarding them, for the three poor things did not eat
much more than spaiTows ; and I've often since calculated that I had a clear
twenty pounds a year profit out of them.

Mamma and the gh-ls looked quite astonished when I made the speech.
"What does he mean?" said Lucy to Eliza.

Mamma repeated the question, " My beloved Eobert, what concealment are
you talking of.?"

"I am talking of concealed property, ma'am," saj'S I, sternly.

" And do you — what — can you — do you really suppose that I have concealed
— any of that blessed sa-a-a-aiut's j)rop-op-op-operty ?" screams out mamma.
*' Eobert," says she, "Bob, ray own darling boy — my fondest, best beloved, now
he is gone" (meaning my late governor — more tears), "you don't, you cannot
fancy that your own mother, who bore you, and nursed you, and wept for you,
and would give her all to save you from a moment's hainn — you don't suppose
that she would che-e-e-eat you ?" and here she gave a louder screech than ever,
and flung back on the sofa, and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her
arms, and t'other went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went oa
agaiu; only I was left out, thank goodness ; I hate siich sentimentality.

183 9-] I^OGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. 187

" Che-e-e-at ?ne," says T, mocking her. " What do you mean, then, by saying
you're so rich? Say, have you got money or have you not?" (and I rapped
out a good number of oaths, too, -which I don't jDut in here ; but I was in a
dreadful fury, that's the fact).

"So help me, Heaven," says maimna, in answer, going down on her knees,
and smacldug her two hands ; " I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the
whole of this wicked world."

"Then what, madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and to
talk about your riches, Avhen you know that you and yom- daughters are
beggars, ma'am — beggars f

" My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a hun-
dred a year still; and have you not great talents which will make all our
fortunes ?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and making believe to
smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it.

This was too cool. " Tom have got a hundred a year, ma'am," says I, "?/o?t
got a house : upon my soul and honour this is the first I ever heard of it, and
I'll tell you what, ma'am," says I (and it cut her 2)rettg sharply too), "as you've
got it, you'd better go and live in it. I've got quite enough to do with my own
house, and every i^enny of my own income."

Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud
enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell — kicking and strug
gliug in a regular fit.

******

I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the gu'ls used to
come 6.o^\n to meals, and never speak ; going up again and stopping with
their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in veiy solemn to my
study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Eobert, mamma has paid you our board
up to Michaelmas."

"She has," says I ; for I always took precious good care to have it in ad-
vance.

" She says, John, that on Michaelmas day we'll — Ave'll go awaj", John."

" Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy ? very good ; she'll want the
furniture, I suppose, and that she may have, too, for I'm going to sell the place
myself ;" and so that matter was settled.

On Michaelmas day, and during these two mouths, I hadn't, I do believe,
seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and
found her sobbing over my bed). On Michaelmas day morning, Eliza comes to
me and says, " Jb/»?, they ivlll come and fetch us at six this evening.'''' Well, as
this was the last day, I went and got the best goose I could find (I don't think
I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty myself), and had it roasted at three,
with a good pudding afterwards ; and a glorious bowl of punch. " Here's a
health to you, dear girls," saj^s I, " and you, ma, and good luck to all three, and
as you've not eaten a morsel, I hope you wont object to a glass of punch. It's
the old stuff, you know, ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen
years ago."

Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche, as I live ! Captain
Waters was on the box (it was his coach) ; that old thief, Bates, jumped out,
entered my house, and before I could saj^ Jack Robinson, whipped off mamma
to the cai'riage, the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake of the hand,
and as mamma Avas helped in, Mary Waters, Avho was sitting mside, flung her
arms round her, and then round the girls, and the Doctor, who acted footman,
jumped on the box, and off they went ; taking no more notice of me than if I'd
been a nonentity.

There's the picture of the whole business : That's mamma and Miss Waters
sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the back seat ;
Waters driving (a precious bad driver he is, too) ; and that's me, standing at
the garden door, and wliistling. You can't see Mary Malowney ; the old fool
is crying behind the garden gate : she went off next day along Avith the furni-
ture ; and I got into that precious scrape which I shall mention next.

i88

SEPTEMBER.

[^839.

HARVEY versus JARVEY.

A MoLONCiiOLY Case.
Well, here's a fine beginning all along of these here Harvevs ;
Sure-ly they'i'e getting the whip-hand of all ns honest jarvies ;
To rob us of our fare is like depriving us of vittle,
And giving us no meat to cut, but leaving us a Whittle.
The -watermen are all in tears, — it's fitting you should know,
That the stopping of our going is to them a tale of '' Wo ;"
And the 'osses stands, quite sad to see, besides the crib in vain,
And Avonders whether they shall ever taste a bit again.
Now they're gettin' out of natur, for their i-aws is all a healing,
And soon they'll be onsenseless brutes, without a bit of feeling.
Or else they'll pine away so fast, the knackers scarce will skin 'em,
For they miss the bits of thrashing just to keep the life within 'era,
And the cuts that makes 'em lively, arter waiting in the street,
For 'tis but being on the stand that keeps 'em on their feet.
Now, blow'd if I can understand this here licensious day.
Unless it means the taking all our licence quite away .
And then, again, for characters, how very hard they use 'em.
Both them as vainly strive to find, and those who'd gladly lose 'em.
The cads look quite cadaverous, to think there's such a fuss
At their stepping from the treadmill, to the step behind a 'bus.
But here's the greatest grief, and sure it makes one choke to put on
A libel to one's neck, just like cheap cag-mag-scrag of mutton ;
There's nothing stares us in the face but rueful ruination.
So there's my ticket, and I'll seek some more genteel vocation.

7. Jerusalem demolished by Titus, a.d. 70.

Old Isaac's so given to bite us,
In bargains whenever we meet,

That I wish we'd a similar Titus
To batter down HolyM'ell Street.

Land Sharks and Sea Guilt.

23. College of Physicians incorporated, 1518.

Twere fair reveng-e to give no quarter.
But pound the doctors in their mortar.

;9-j

189

SEPTEMBER.— Plucking a Goose.

After my papa's death, as he left me no monej^, and only a little laud, 1 put
my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse my solitude
with a trip to some of our fashionable watexing-places. My house Avas now a
desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my dear parent, and her
children, left me sad and lonely.

AVell, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple of
thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person ; for though I had
absolutely cut the old ISTorth-Bungays (indeed, after my affair Avith Waters,
Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that I had better
resign), though I had left the army, I still retained the rank of Captain ; know-
ing the advantages attendant upon that title, in a watering-place tour.

Caj)tain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath,
Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard-player ; so
much so, that in many of these towns the jjeoi^le used to refuse, at last, to play
with me, kno^nng how far I was their superior. Fancy, my surprise, about
five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling one day up the Higli
Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young man, whom I remembered
in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere — no other, in fact, than Dobble.
He, too, was di-essed en millialre, with a frogged coat and spurs ; and was walk-
ing with a showy-looking, Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains
and rings, with a green bonnet, and a bird of Paradise — a lilac shawl, a yellow
gown, pink silk stockings, and light blue shoes. Three children, and a hand-
some footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, entered
the Eoyal Hotel together

I was known, myself, at thePioyal, and calling one of the waiters, learned tho
names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the son of the
rich aiTiiy clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble, and Co., of Pall Mall) ; the lady
Avas a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American JeAv, living quietly at Leaming-
ton with her children, but possessed of an immense property. There's no use
to give one's self out to be an absolute pauper, so the fact is, that I myself Avent
evei-ywhere with the character of a man of very large means. My father had
died, leaving me immense sums of money, and landed estates— ah ! I was the
gentleman then, the real gentleman, and CA'erybody was too happy to have me
at table.

Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note : he
neither returned my \'isit, nor answered my note. The day after, however, I
met him Avith the AvidoAV, as before ; and, going up to him, very kindly seized
him by the hand, and sAA'ore I was — as really was the case — chaiTued to see
him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the creatm-e Avould
have cut me, if he dared ; but I gave him a frown, and said —

" What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure
Avith the butcher's daughters, ha?"

Dobble gaA-e me a sickly kind of grin, and said, " Oh ! ah ! yes ! It is— yes !
it is, I believe. Captain Stubbs."

" An old comrade, madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so
much, and seen so much, of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty of
begging his friend to introduce him.''

D'obble was obliged to take the hint ; and Captain Stubbs was duly presented
to Mrs. Manasseh ; the lady Avas as gracious as possible : and when, at the end
of the walk, we parted, she said, " she hoped Captain Dobble Avould bring me
to her apartments that evening, where she expected a few friends." EA-ery-
body, you see, kuoAvs everybody at Leamington ; and I, for my part, Avas Avell
known as a retired officer of the aiTny ; Avho, on his father's death, had come
into seven thousand a year. Dobble's arriA^al had been subsequent to mine,
but putting up, as he did, at the Pioyal Hotel, and dining at the ordinary there
Avith the widow, he had made his acquaintance before I had. I saAV, however,
that if I alloAved him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to
give up all my hopes and pleasxires at Leamington ; and so 1 determined to

IQO ' PLUCKING A GOOSE. [^^.39-

be short with him. Ao soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friimd
Dobble Avas for leaving me likewise; but I stopi^ed him, and said, "Mr.
Dobble, I saw ^vhat yoii meant just now : you wanted to cut me, because, for-
sooth, I did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth ; now look you, Dobble,
I am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you — and you know it. You are
a very different man to deal with from Waters ; and Iwilljfght this time."

Not, perhaps, that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I kuew
Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived : and there never was any harm in
threatening, for you know j-ou are not obliged to stick to it afterwards. My
words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered, and looked red, and then de-
clared, he never had the slightest intention of passing me by ; so we became
fi-iends, and his mouth was stopped.

He was very thick with the widow : but that lady had a very capacious heart,
and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally smitten with
her. "Look at that Mrs. Manasseh," said a gentleman (it Avas droll, he was a
Jew, too), sitting at dinner b}' me ; " she is old and ugly, and yet because she
has money, all the men are flinging themselves at her."

" She has money, has she ?"

" Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children. I
know it for afacf^^' said the strange gentleman. " I am in the law, and we, of our
faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families amongst us are Avorth."

"Who was Mr. Manasseh ?"

" A man of enormous Avealth — a tobacco-merchant — West Indies ; a felloAV of
no birth, however ; and who, between om^selves, man-ied a Avoman that is not
much better than she should be. My dear sir," whispered he, " she is always in
love — noAV it is with that Captain Dobble ; last week it was somebody else ; and
it may be you next Aveek, if — ha ! ha ! ha ! — you are disposed to enter the lists."

" I Avouldn't, for my part, have the woman Avith twice her money."

What did it matter to me, whether the Avoman AA'as good or not, proAaded she
was rich ? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this gentleman
had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a story, I made the
Avidow appear so bad, that the poor fellow was quite frightened, and fairly quitted
the field. Ha ! ha ! I'm dashed if I did not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh
had murdered her last husband.

I played my game so Avell, thanks to the information that niy friend the
lawyer had given me, that, in a month, I had got the widow to shoAv a most
decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner ; I di-anlc Avith her at the Wells ;
I rode with her ; I danced with her j and at a pic-nic to Kenilworth, where Ave
drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped the question, and was ac-
cepted. In another month, Eobert Stubbs, Esq., led to the altar Leah, widow
of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. Kitt's !

******

We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot ; the children and servants
following in a post-chaise. I paid, of coiu'se, for everything ; and until our house
in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at Stevens's Hotel.

******

My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank, in the city.
About three days after our an-ival, as we took our breakfast in the hotel, pre A-'ious
to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain little transfers were to be made,
a gentleman was introduced, Avho, I saAV at a glance, was of my wife's persuasion.

He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. "Perhaps it will be convenient
to you to pay this little bill, one hundi'ed and fifty-two poundsh ?"

" My love," says she, " Avill you pay this .'' It is a trifle which I had really
forgotten." " My soul ! ' said I, " I have really not the money in the house."

"Vel, denn. Captain Shtubbsh," says he, " I must do my duty — and an-est
you — here is the writ ! Tom, keep the door !" — My Avife fainted — the children
screamed, and I — ^fancy my condition, as I was obliged to march off to a spong-
ing house, along with a horrid sheriff's oflicer !

I839-]

OCTOBEE.

ipi

OTHELLO'S OCCUPATIOJM'S GONE.'

1. Abolition of arrest on suspicion of debt, 1838.

Eiglit little gi-ieve I

To take my leave of all the tribe of Levi !
I care not now whom I may chance to meet
In Chancery Lane or Carey Street ;
Gentile or Jew, or neither, or what not,
The bailiff's occupation's gone to pot,
And all their sport, thank common sense, is over ;
Unless you find a man to swear,
That he heard another man declare.
That as he was walking the streets one day,
He met with Jones, who was heard to say,
That Smith intended to run away,
Across the straits of Dover.
But, any way, it does seem rather funny
To lock a man within four walls, and bid him seek
There's no occasion now for me to hide,
Tho' once I was a deeply vers 3d court guide;
I fear not now a single rap,
Nor startle at a tap.
From ray boot's sole to my hat crown,
I'll have it all set down ;
As to my tailleur, his suit's a failure,
And talking of a writ, quite a mis-fit ;
So, spite his measures, I'll take my pleasures;
And, since for debt I need not run away,
Shall I, like vulgar traders, stoop to pay ?

Nay!

Dividends due.

Philosophers sagely declare,
Without reservation or stealth,
That the source of true happiness here
■■ Is an equal division of wealth.

20. Battle of Navarino, 182^.

The phost ofa " R lil

Remember thee? A}',
thou poor ghost l"

for money.

/^ft

Share and share alik<:

10.

A Prescription.

T92 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [iSSP

OCTOBER.— Mars and Venus in OrposiTiox.

I SHALL not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in Cursitor-street,
instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which was to have been mine as the
husband of Mrs. ]\Ianasseh. What a palace ! — in an odious, dismal street leading
from Chancery Lane, — a hideous Jew boy opened the second of three doors ; and shut
it when Mr, Nabb and I (almost fainting) had entered : then he opened the third door,
«nd then I was introduced to a filthy place, called a coffee-room, which I exchanged
for the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlour, where I was left for a while
to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change between this and Berkeley
Square ! Was I. after all my pains, and cleverness, and perseverance, cheated at
last ? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing upon me, and were the words of
the wretch I mot at the fahle-d'hote at Leamington, only meant to mislead me and
take me in? I determined to send for my wife, and know the whole truth. I
saw at once that I had been the victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage,
the house in town, the West India fortune, were only so many lies which I had
blindly believed. It was true the debt was but a hundred and fifty pounds : and
i had two thousand at my bankers. But was the loss of her £80,000 nothing?
Was the destruction of my hopes nothing? — The accursed addition to my family of
a Jewish wife, and three Jewish children, nothing? And all these I was to
support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better have stopped at home, with
my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, and who produced me eighty
pounds a-year.

I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs ; and when I charged her, the base
wretch ! with cheating- me, like a brazen serpent, as she was, she flung back the
cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did I marry her, when
she might have had twenty others? She only took me, she said, because I had
twenty thousand pounds. I had said I possessed that sum ; but in lore, you
know, and war, all's fair.

We parted quite as angrily as we met ; and I cordially vowed that when I had
paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take my £2,000,
and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to America, and never see
her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There was no use in remaining in the
sponging-house (for I knew that there were such things as detainers, and that where
Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundi-ed pounds, she might owe a thousand), so I sent for Mr.
Nabb, and tendering him a cheque for £150, and his costs, requested to be let out
forthwith. " Here, fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum."

" It may be a shech on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb, " but I should be a baby to let
you out on such a paper as dat."

" Well," said I, " Child's is but a step from tliis ; you may go and get the cash,
— just giving me an acknowledgment."

Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off for the
Bankers, whilst I prepared myself for departure from this abominable prison.

He smiled as he came in. " Well," said I, " you have touched your money ;
and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and extortioner I
ever met with.''

" O no, mishter Shtubbsh," says he, gi'inning still, " dere is som greater roag
dan me, — mosh greater."

"Fellow,'' says I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me my
Lat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den."

" Shtop, Shtubbsh,'' says he, not even Mistering me this time, " here ish a letter,
vich j'ou had better read.''

I opened the letter : something fell to the ground: — it was my cheque.
The letter ran thus : "Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to
Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment of the
enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by Messrs. Solomonson
and C:)., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs's balance of £2010 lis. 6d.
i.ntil the decision of the suit of Solomonson v. Stubbs.
"Fltet Street."
" You sec," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter, "you see, Shtubbsh.

l839'] MAES AND VENUS IN OrPOSITIOX. ^93

dere vas two debts, — a littel von, and a bi^ von. So dey arrested j-ou for de
littel von, and attashed your money for dc big von."

******

Don't laug-h at me for telling- this story : if you knew what tears are blotting
over the paper as I write it; if you knew that for weeks after I was more like a
madman than a sane man, — a madman in the Fleet Prison, where I went, insiead
of to the desert island. What had I done to deserve it ? Hadn't I always kept an
eye to the main chance ? Hadn't I lived economically, and not like otlier young
men? Had I ever been known to squanderer give away a single penny? No!
I can lay my hand on my heart, and, thank Heaven, say, No! Why — why was
I punished so ?

Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months — my wife paw mo once
or twice, and then dropped me altogether — I remained in that fatal place. 1 wrote
to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but got no answer. All my
old friends turned their backs upon me. My action went against me — I had not
a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my wife's debt, and seized my two
thousand pounds. — As for the detainer against me, I was obliged to go through
the court for the relief of insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a
beggar. But, fancy the malice of that wicked StifFelkiiul ; he appeared in court
as my creditor for £3, with sixteen years' interest, at five per cent., for a pair of
TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the whole story —
Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping-, and all.

Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. " So Doctor Swishtail would
not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. StifiFelkind ?"

"No ; he said, ven I ask him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong boy, and
I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster."

"What, then, you came on a hootless errand, eh, sir?" (A laugh.)

" Bootless ! no, sare. I brought de boots back vid me ; how de devil else could I
show dem to you ?" (Another laugh.)

" You've never soled 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins ?"

" I never vood sell dem ; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged on dat
Stobbs."

" What, your wound has never been healed, eh ?"

" Vat do you mean vid your bootless errants, and your soling- and healing ? I
tell you I have done vat I svore to do ; I have exposed him at school, I have
broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had twenty tousand pound, and
now I have showed him up in a court of justice-, dat is vat I ave done, and dat's
enough." And then the old wretch went down, whilst everybody was giggling
and staring at poor me — as if I was not miserable enough already.

" This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr. Stubbs,"
said Commissioner Dubobwig, very archly, and then he began to inquire about the
rest of my misfortunes.

In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them -, liow Mr. Solomonson
the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. Manasseh, who had fifty
thousand pounds, and an estate in the West Indies. How I was married, and
arrested on coming to town, and cast in an action for two thousand pounds,
brought against me by this very Solomonson for my wife's debts.

"Stop," says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black-haired
woman, with one eye ? very often drunk, with three children — Solomonson, short,
with red hair '•'"

" Exactly so," says I, with tears in my eyes.

" That woman has married three men within the last two years. One in Ireland,
and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and they both are off
for America ten days ago."

" But why did you not keep your £2000 ?" said the lawyer.

" Sir, they attached it"

" O ! well, we may pass you ; you have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it seems as
if the biter had been bit in this affair."

" No," sai* Mr. Dubobwig " Sir. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL ATTACH.
MENT."

194 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1S39.

POETRY AT SIGHT.
A REMARKABLY successful Operation lias just been performG.d by
Mr. Curtis, on the eyes of an elderly lady, wlio had been blind and
deaf from her birth. The following letter to her niece has been sent
to us by her friends, to show the rapidity of her hterary acquire-
ments, immediately on her attainment of the power of vision ; and
such of our readers as can fancy themselves deaf will certainly see
it to consist of capital rhymes.

Dear Dolly, I'll thank you to send the cocoa,

And Susan, who brings it, shall take back your boa. —

Pray, tell Doctor Bleed' em I've got a sad cough ;

I caught it while watching young Hodge at the plough ;

1 thought the day fine and was simple enough

My umbrella to leave, so got wet through and through,

For it came down in torrents ; your poor aunt was caught

In the rain, and I afterwards sat in a draught.

This made me much worse, but experience I bought,

And I'll never more trust to the sunshine and drought !

Well, I made myself dry, and I sat down to tea :

Of the good that it did me you'd form no idea.

But I quite hate the country, the weather's so rough,

So you'll see me, dear, soon in your little borough.

I hope, after all, that my cold will be trivial —

But still you may send me that stuff in the vial —

In the kitchen you'll find it, just over the trough.

Oh, my cough ! oh, my cougli ! it all comes of the plough.

A SETTLER'S LETTER.

The Emigration Committee have thought it right to give pub-
licity to the following very intelligent letter, lately written by a
settler to his mother, on account of the valuable statistical infor-
mation it contains.

Catchum's Shallow on the little Red River
Arkensaw Stait April 1838

My dere Muther, — Yer mustent wunder if you havnt herd of me
for sume time, but grate grefe is dumb as Shaxpire sais, and I was
advised to hop my twig and leaf old ingland, witch indede I was
verry sorrorful, but now I am thants gudnes saf, and in amerrykey.
i ardly no ware miself, but the hed of this will tel my tail. 1 ham
a sqwatter in the far wurst, about ^ a-mile this side sundown, an if
i ad gone mutch father i should av found notliin but son, an no nite
at all. Yu kno how the hummeggrating Agent tolde me that if
peepel cudnt liv in Sent Gileses amerrykey was capitle to dy in ;
besides ses he if youre not verry nere you can ade yure mother
in distres, so i went aborde a skip wat was going to 'Noo Orlines.
Ive herd peepel tawk abowt rodes at C but the rodes on the
attalantick is the verry ruifest i iver rode on and it was very long
an very cold an we had nothing 2 heat hardly, but we founde a ded
rat in a warter cask witcli the flavur was grately increased thareby.

1839] -A- settler's letter. 195

at last we cam to the arbur at tlie citty of Noo Orlines ^vitch is all
under the bottum of the top of the riwer and we ad a ankering
to go a- shore. I ad no idear as the rivers was so hi in this
contry, but as the assent is so verry esy i didnt fele it at al.
The noo orlines peepel is odd fishis and not at all commun plaice ;
wen all the peepel in the stretes is musterd it is a pepper an sault
poppulashun, there is blak wites an wite blaks an a sorte of mixt
peepel caled quadruunts because they are of fore colers blak, an
wite, an wite blaks, and blak wites. Has the riwer is so verry hi
it is alwys hi water, an the munnifold advantiges of the citty dipends
on the gudnes of its banks, there is loks in em to let the water
out and keys to kepe it in. munny here is very common and is cald
sentse, and ewery thing is cheep in Noo Orlines 5 doUers bills bein
only worth 2 dollers. We went up the riwer in a large bote like a
noise ark only more promiscus. the current acount was aginst us
it dont turn and turn agen like at putny bridg, and as it runs alwys
won way i wunder it dont run away altogethir. Thire is no towns
nor tailer shops nor palisses as I expectorated there wood be. the
wood was all quite wilde not a bit of tame no ware nor no sines of
the blessedniss of civilazashun as jales an jin shoj^s nor no kitching
gardins nor fields nor ouses nor lanes nor alleys nor gates nothin
but alleygators. after a grate dale of settlin I settled to settle as
abuv ware yu will rite to me. These staits is caled the united staits
becawse theire mails and femails all united, there's six of them
wimmin staits. 2 Carrolinas, Miss Sourry, Miss Sippy, Louesa
Anna, an Yargina, all the rest is mails, i have sene no canni-
bels an verry few ingins besides steam ingins they're quite unhed-
ducated and dont employ no tailers. I dont like fammin mutch
but praps I shal wen i get used to it, tho its very ilconvenient at
furst. i am obliged to wurk very ard and if I have to chop my one
wood much longer I have determined to cut my stick.

Dere muther, i think i shud be more cumfurtable if I had a few
trifels witch you culd bye me, if yew wud onley sel sumthing and
send me all the bils partickular, and I'l be sure to owe it you —
namly sum needils and thred, and sum odd buttens, but thems of
little use without you send me sum shirts, and a waistcote, and
upper cote, to put em on, when those tumbles ofi'thats on when you
Bends em, and sum brads, and some hammers do drive em with, and
a spade an a pikax, an a saw, and some fish hooks, and gunpowdr,
an sum shot, witch they wil be of the gratest conveniency, if you
can send me a gun. likewis som stockins, an shues and other hard-
wares, only its no use to send me any bank nots, for my nerest
A( naybours is sum ingun wagwams abuve 70 miles

iS^ of, and I cudnt get change thare, so dont forgit

fcji' ^M some led, and some bullit moldes, for some blak

^ ?V fellers has been fishin close by, jist within 10

^-^KP^^k^- miles and I wants to have a pop at em with luv
"^■=--^-- — 1-^ — to all yore dutiful sone

^Settler, - S^M. Stroller,

NOVEMBP]R

THE JOINT STOCK SUICIDE CLUB.

Brothers ! support me in my desperate duty !
I first propose to all a cup of Eue-tea,
While I recite once more the various ways
Our club allows to terminate our days.

We recommend strongly steamboat trips

To those who are tired of their wives ;
For it's better to scald to death at once

Than pass in hot water your lives.
The club prescribe a railroad ride,

To such as are bent on marriages ;
If they're looking for sweet, 'tis like they'll meet

A Jam between two carriages.
Or take your place when the coaches race,

And an opposition rages,
It's a pleasanter trick to be popp'd oflf quick,

Than be kill'd by lingering stages.
But we wish all poets to try their pens

On a work of fun and fancy ;
They'll hang on a hook, ere they finish their book,

In a fit of wec/j-romancy.
Now a dismal band, let us seek the Strand,

From Waterloo to jump,
And we'll leap from the piers, 'mid the barges' tiers,

To show that our club's a trump.

23. First balloon ass-sent, 1782.

1 wonder which will be the last — don't you ?

29. Insurrection of the Poles, 1830.

Paupers proclaim, so dignified their stations,
The shears a trespass on the rights of nations.

Put no

faith in

false

Predictions,

Patient

bear the

worst

Inflictions.
Pog or

Sunshine,

time will

tell;

GrentleEeader,

Pare thee well.

A Collection of National Sairs, with variations.

T839-]

197

NOVEMBEE.— A General Pgst Delivery.

I WAS a free man when I went out of the Court ; but I was a beggar — I, Captain
Stubbs, of the bold North-Bungays, did not know where I could get a bed or a
dinner.

As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my shoulder,
and a rough voice which I knew well.

"Veil, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my bromise? I told you dem boots would
be your ruin."

I was much too miserable to reply ; and only cast up my eyes towards the roofs
of the houses, which I could not see for the tears.

"Vat ! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood you, and
noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny — ha, ha — but you vere de pigeou,
and she vas de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty veil — eh ? ha ! ha !"

" Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, " don't laugh at my misery ; she has not left me a
single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve — I do believe I shall starve."
And I beean to cry fit to break my heart.

" Starf! stoff and nonsense — youvil never die of starfing — youvil die of hanging,
I tink, ho ! ho ! and it is moch easier vay too." I didn't say a word, but cried on,
till everybody in the street turned round and stared.

" Come, come," said Stiffelkind, <"&? Eot giy, Gaptain Stobbs — it is not goot for
a Gaptain to gry, ha ! ha ! Dere, come vid me, and you shall have a dinner, and a
bregfast too — vich shall gost you nothing, until you can bay vid your earnings."

And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my prosperity,
grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck : and took me home with him as lie
promised. "I saw your name among de Insolvents — and I vowed, you know, to
make you repent dem boots. Dere now, it is done and forgotten, look you. Here,
Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a clean knife and fork ; Lort Corn-
vallis is come to dine vid me."

I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and did
what little I could to make myself useful : carrying about boots and shoes, as if I
had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no money, but he fed
and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used to laugh, and call me
General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of nicknames — and old Stiffelkind
made a thousand new ones for me.

One day, I can recollect — one miserable day, as I was polishing on the trees a
pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture, the old gentleman came into the sliop
with a lady on his arm.

" Vere is Gaptain Stobbs," says he ; "vere is dat ornament to his Majesty's ser-
vice ?"

I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one of then?
in my hand.

"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his Excellency Lord
Cornvallis I Who would have thought such a nobleman vood turn Jshoe-black ?
Gaptain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear niece. Miss Grotty. How could
you, Magdalen, ever leaf soch a lof of a man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain; —
dere, never mind de blacking :" but Miss drew back.

" I never shake hands with a shoe-black," says she, mighty contemptuous.

" Bah ! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just been viic-
vashed ?"

" I wish, uncle," says she, " you would not leave me with such low people."

" Low, because he cleans boots ? de Gaptain prefers immps to boots, I tink,
ha! ha!"

" Captain, indeed ! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers in
my face, and walking away : " a Captain, who has had his nose pulled ? ha ! ha !"
— And how could I help it ? it wasn't by my own choice that that ruffian Waters
took such liberties with me ; didn't I show how averse I was to all quarrels by
refusing altogether his challenge ? — but such is the world : and thus the people at
Stiffelkind's used to tease me until they drove me almost mad.

198 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1839.

At last, he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. " Captain,"
gays he, " I have goot news for you — a goot place. Your lortship vil not be able
to geep your garridge, but you vil be gomfortable, and serve his Majesty."

" Serve his Majesty I" says I. " Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a place
under Government?"

•'Yes, and someting better still— not only a place, but a uniform — yes, Gabdain
Stobbs, a red goat."

"A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by enterin^^ tlic
ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind — I can never — no, I never."

" No, I know you will never — you are too great a goward, ha ! ha I — though dis
is a red goat, and a place where you must give some hardlcnoclcs too, ha ! ha ! — do
you gomprehend ? — and you shall be a general, instead of a gabtain — ha ! ha !"

" A general in a red coat ! Mr. Stiffelkind ?"

" Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN ! ha ! ha ! I have been vid your old friend,
Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post-ofl5ce, and he has got you de place —
eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not oben any of
lie letters, you know."

And so it was — I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he named — a
general postman !

********

I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more brutal
than ever, that when I got my place in the Post-office I never went near the
fellow again — for though he had done me a favour in keeping me from starvation,
he certainly had done it in a very rude, disagreeable manner, and showed a low
and mean spirit in shoving me into such a degraded place as that of postman. But
what had I to do ? I submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs,
of the North-Bungay Fencibles, was

I wonder nobody recognised me. I lived in daily fear the first year; but, after-
wards, grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will do, and wore my
red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world only for the purpose of
being a letter carrier.

I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed nearly three years, when
I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street — famous places for lodgings,
I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in the latter street, where lived some
people who must have recognised me had they but once chanced to look at me.

You see, that when I left Sloflem, and set out in the gay world, my mamma had
written tome a dozen times at least, but I never answered her, for I knew she
wanted money, and I detest writing. AYell, she stopped her letters, finding she
could get none from me : but when I was in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote
repeatedly to my dear mamma, and was not a little nettled at her refusing to
notice me in my distress, which is the very time one most wants notice.

Stubbs is not an uncommon name ; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little
bright brass plate, in Duke Street, and delivered so many letters to the lodgers in her
house, I never tljought of asking who she was, or whether she was my relation, or not.

One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and she
called her mistress ; — an old lady in a poke bonnet came out of the parlour, and
put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled in her pocket for
eight-pence, and apologized to the postman for keeping him Avaiting ; and when 1
said, " Never mind, ma'am, it's no trouble," the old lady gave a start, and tlien she
pulled off her spectacles, and staggered back ; and then she began muttering, as
if about to choke ; and then she gave a great screech, and flung herself into my
arms, and roared out, " MY SON ! MY SON !"

" Law, mamma,'' said I, " is that you?" and I sat down on the hall bench with
her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the whining and
crying, down comes another lady from upstairs, — it was my sister Eliza ; and
down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water, and what not, and I was the
regular hero of the group. I could not stay long then, having my letters to
deliver. But, in the evening, after mail-time, I went back to my mamma and
sister : and, over a bottle of prime old Port, and a precious good leg of boiled
mutton and turnips, made myself pretty comforiable, I can tell you.

1839.] 199

BLARNEYHUM ASS-TROLOGICUM PRO 4NN0 1839.

Gentle Reader, —

BEWARE of false prophets, who predict of tli3 tiiA.^s, A\liicn,
but for thy simplicity, would be for tliem '•' out of joint" — of
the seasons, of which they know not, save that they yield them a
profitable harvest, — and of the winds, for which they care not, so
that they blow them good ; but turn from them awhile, and regard
the Hieroglyphicum in Obscuro I here set before thee, and the in-
terjDretation thereof; and, if it come not as I predict, thou may'st
guess the reason why. Unlucky planets rule the State Kitchen ;
and the great kettle being filled by Aquarius, with Sol in oj^po-
sition, an unfriendly boil is produced, which maketh the place so
hot that the Cooks find it hard to stay within, though loth to go
out. Moreover, being of one mind as to the making of a mess,
but differing as to the manner thereof, they have fallen to fighting,
to settle the question, and are all going to pot together. By a
touch of my wand, behold them transmogrified into a Lamb's head,
served with a plentiful dressing of strong Durham mustard, a
little Jack clinging to the side, as though he wished himself out of
this pretty kettle of fish, and a fowl, though, by his looks, no
chicken, attempting his escape in the form of a winged Gupid. He
does not like his company, and has made his bow — behold it in his
hand. Another fish, more like a Sir John than a sturgeon, seems
as though his berth was far from pleasant. The Mistress, alarmed
by the noise, comes to the window to see what is the matter ; an
ancient Master Cook, from Arthur's, stands, ladle in hand, his
fingers itching to skim the scum off as it rises. An old Katchen
Maid, who, though pensioned off, will still have a finger in every
pie, hath been stirring the fire with a worn-out &ro owi-handle, (per-
chance she hath slyly j^ut in a pinch of gunpowder) and is now
playing the part of blow-bellows. She seemeth, by the satis-
factionated curl of her nose, to be happy to see them all in hot
water.

N'ow, as to the application hereof, every man must judge for
himself; but of a verity it doth to me appear, that too many
cooks will spoil any broth. And, while I speak of cookery, let
me advise thee as to thy treatment of that which a dejmrted
wiseacre denominated the " worse than useless root." If, reject-
ing his advice, none but this fruit will content thee, let me
counsel thee to follow my example — having well roasted my
Murphy, I take him " cum grano salis." ISTow, touching other
mundane matters, thou wilt herein find copious instructions, sago
predictions, and wholesome advice, on which thou mayest surely
rely, though I am no M.N'.S., which can but mean Member of
ISq Society.

Thine ever,

RiGDUM FUNNIDOS.

200

DECEMBER.

[1839.

ClililSTMAS PIECES.

A SoLiLOQuiAL Care-all.

Here come December aud the brats again ! what pain ! rushing like untamed
kittens o'er a cataract. Tables turn'd, bottles broke, cups crack'd — All conspire to
add to my distractions, to shew their skill in Christmas pieces, and in fractions.

How little dream'd I of the toil and trouble

Which wait on those who dare to carry double I

AYhy did I leave my life of singularity,

In my excess of Christian love and charity?

Too surely did I feel my courage falter

At that sad step which led up to the altar.

Since first I tied the matrimonial knot

Each year has added to my luckless lot ;

I should not mind one little babe, no more.

But, poi7it du TWO, 1 don't want half a score;

Yet still, in quick succession, lo ! they rise,

A pretty string of pains and penal-ties.

Family Ties,
From schoolmasters abroad the yearly bills
Eun high among life's unsurmounted hills,
And pretty hillocks are those things call'd extras,
At doubling which they're all so ambidextrous ;
Forgetting still, which greatly grieves my bowels,
To send back silver forks, or spoons, or towels.
Last, but not least, are those uncivil wars.
Poetic license calls domestic jai's,
And which I find, though far from nice or fickle.
Without exception, yield the worst of pickle.

1839-1 ^o^

DECEMBEE.— " The Winter of our Discontent."

Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I recol-
lected some of the chairs and tables, from dear old Squiggle, and the bowl in
which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she went away, whicli she
and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to drink after they were gone;
but that's not to the purpose.

Think of my sister Mary's luck ! That chap, Waters, fell in love with her,
and married her ; and she now keeps lier carriage, and lives in state near Squiggle.
I offered to make it up with ^Vaters ; but he bears malice, and never will see or
speak to me. He had the impudence, too, to say that he took in all letters for
mamma at Squiggle; and that, as mine were all begging letters, he burned them,
and never said a word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds
a year, and, if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much ;
but the old lady was high and mighty, forsooth, and would not be beholden, even
to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this fifty pounds
she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, of course I wanted
pocket money as well as board and lodging, and so I had the fifty pounds for my
share, and eked out with it as well as I could.

Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds
when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure — much more than ever
fell to me, I know), and as she said she loould try and work for her living, it was
thought best to take a house and let l»dgings, which she did. Our first and second
floor paid us four guineas a week, on an average ; and the front parlour and attic
made forty pounds more. Mamma and Eliza used to have the fx'ont attic ; but 1
took that, and they slept in the servants' bed room. Lizzy had a pretty genius
for work, and earned a guinea a week that way ; so that we had got nearly two
hundred a year over the rent to keep house with, — and we got on pretty well.
Besides, women eat nothing ; my women didn't care for meat for days together
sometimes, — so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so for me.

Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post-office. She said her dear
John, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that, should remain at home,
and be a gentleman — which I was, certainly, though I didn't find fifty pounds a year
very much to buy clothes and be a gentleman upon ; to be sure, mother found me
shirts and linen, so that that wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at
paying the washing too ; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear John, you
know ; and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown oif her back.
Fancy ! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters
sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. She was so very soft,
the old lady !

*******

I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content with my
fifty pounds a year (perhaps, I'd saved a little out of it ; but that's neither here nor
there). From year's end to year's end I remained faithful to my dear mamma,
never leaving her except for a month or so in summer, Avhen a bachelor may take
a trip to Gravesend or Margate, which would be too expensive for a family. I say
a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not — never
having heard a word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs.

I never went to the public house before meals ; for, with my beggarly fifty
poimds, I could not afford to dine away from home ; but there I had my regular
seat, and used to come home pretty glorious, I can tell you. Then, bed till eleven;
then, breakfast and the newspaper; then, a stroll in Hyde Park or Saint James's ;
then, home at half-past three to dinner, when I jollied, as I call it, for the rest
of the day. I was my mother's delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I
managed to live on.

* ******

How fond she was of me, to be sure ! Being sociable myself, and loving to have
my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as hearty fellows as
you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights up royally. " Never mind,
my boys,'' I used to say, " send the bottle round : mammy pays for all," as she did,
sure enough ; and sure enough we punished her cellar too. The good old lady
used to wait upon us, as if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of

202 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1839.

a lady and my mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must con-
fess, gave her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning-, because
she never could sleep until she saw her " dear Bob" in bed, and leading her a sad
anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, that I think in the
course of five years I never knew her in a passion, except twice; and then with
sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining the house, and driving the lodgers avray,
one by one. But mamma would not hear of such envious spite on my sister's
part. " Her Bob" was always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retre.ited, and
went to the Waterses, — I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used
to be squabbling from morning till night.

Ah, those were jolly times ! but ma was obliged to give up the lodging-house at
last — for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's departure — the nasty un-
charitable people said, on account of me,- because I drove away the lodgers by
smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises in the house ; and because mamma
gave me so much of her money : — so she did, but if she would give it, you know,
how could I help it ? Heigho ! I wish I'd kept it.

No such luck. — The business I thought was to last for ever ; but at the end of
two years a smash came — shut up shop — sell off everything. Mamma went to
the Waterses : and, will you believe it, the ungrateful wretches would not receive
me ! that Mary, you see, was so disappointed at not marrying me. Twenty pounds
a year they allow, it is true ; but what's that for a gentleman? For twenty years
I have been struggling manfully to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course
of them, have seen a deal of life, to be sure. I've sold segars and pocket-hand-
kerchiefs at the corners of streets ; I've been a billiard-marker ; I've been Director
(in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and Drying
Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor, and about a
month as a cad, when I was very low) ; I've been the means of giving to the
police of this empire some very valuable information (about licensed victuallers,
gentlemen's carts, and pawnbrokers' names) ; I've been very nearly an officer again
— that is, an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last place.

On the last day of the year 1837, even that game was up. It's a thing that has
very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of a sponging-house ; but
such was my case. Young Nabbs (who succeeded his father) drove me ignomi-
niously from his door, because I had charged a gentleman in the coffee-rooms
seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and bread and cheese, the charge of the
house being only six shillings. He had the meanness to deduct the eighteen-pence
from my wages, and, because I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and
turned me out — me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan !

How I did rage and swear at him when I got out in the street ! — There stood
he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under the effect of my
language. I had my revenge ! Heads were thrust out of every bar of his win-
dows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, as I stood pounding him
with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture. I think the mob
would have pelted the ruffian to death (one or two of their missiles hit me, I can
tell you), when a policeman came up, and, in reply to a gentleman, who was ask-
ing what was the disturbance, said, "Bless you. Sir, it's Lord Comwallis." "Move
on, jBoo<s,"said the fellow to me, for, the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are
pretty well known — and so the crowd dispersed.

" What could have made that policeman call you Lord Comwallis and Boots ?"
said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed me. " Sir,"
says I, " I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay Fencibles, and I'll tell
you vrillingly for a pint of beer." He told me to follow him to his chambers at
the Temple, which I did (a five pair back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer;
and told him this very story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a
literary man — and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers : he's a strange
chap; and says they're moral.

*******

I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have been
more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I am, without
a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty pounds a year — not a
single sixpence more, upon my honour.

1839] 203

ASCOT CUP DAY.

FROM THE RACING CALENDAR.

"Well, I never! — this the Great Western Eailway: the
Padclington Station ? What a beautiful place : — iigh ! ugh ! ugh !
— and that's ihe engine: did I ever! — What a funny noise it
makes ; and what elegant carriages — all plate-glass and silk-lace !"
Thus rattled a lively little matron, as fine as a milliner's paitern-
doll, to her dapper lord and master, as they seated themselves
vis-a-vis, in the nine-o'clock down train, first-class, on the morning
of the last anniversary of Ascot Cup Day. Anon they were
darting onw^ards for their destination, and again the dame's lo-
quacities were at high pressure. " It is charming, and that's all
about it : for all the world like travelling by balloon ; and as free
from dust and dirt as if one was borne through the air. Why, we
shall get down, I do declare, as clean as new pins." " ISTo danger
of being soiled on this line, marm," remarked a stout personage
in nankeen leggings, a wig, and a very red face, " 'cause why, we
escape Staines and avoid Slough, you know : ha ! ha !"

At the end of five-and-forty minutes, bump, bump, bump,
and a hissing, as of a universe of boa-constrictors, were succeeded
by the interrogatory, from officials in green and much brass, of —
" Now AVindsor ?" and all the crew bound for the races descended
of course. Then rose the clamour of 'bus cads and go-cart
touters —

" Billingsgate eloquence, and, as I guess,
The logic of the ' os coccygis ;' "

when, after a scuffle, and some energetic demonstrations, our little
dame and second- self found themselves once more in company
with the gentleman in the leggings and red face. The trio were
seated in a lateral inconvenience on enormous wheels, the
charioteer, with his behind before them, urging to utmost speed a
gaunt but sinewy bit of blood, who flew onwards as if a herd of
hungry wolves were at his haunches. Our travellers were soon
on the best of terms : good fellowshijD generally results when
people are thus throivn together. Windsor was quickly reached,
and as they turned the corner beyond the White Hart, which
leads to Ascot, an equipage at the door of the hosteliy attracted,

by its splendour, the go-carter's attention. " That's L 's

carriage," said the married male ; " he that cut such a dash last
season ; gave balls to one half of London ;" — " and rifled the
other," rejoined the man with the rosy countenance : it was mani-
fest that he was a wag. " A correct list of all the wonderful high-
bred horses, and how they will come in for every heat during the
day." " The modern Hercules, ladies and gentlemen ; the modern
Hercules : he will take and tie that ere donkey to this here_ ladder,
and balance the astonishing co )?junction on the tip of his nose.
Waiting for a ha'penny, ladies and gentlemen ; make it another

204 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [l339.

"brown, and — up — lie — goes." Such is the chorus of the Olympic
song, chanted what time Ascot celebrates her right-royal revels;
but we tarry not for the ladder, or the staves.

Through streets of canvas caravanseras, all soliciting their
custom, our tria juncta reach the ropes as the word runs along the
lines, " The Queen is coming !" " Let me see her," ejaculated
the lady voyager : " bless her heai-t ! it was for that 1 came here ;
and is that Her Majesty ? She is a darling, that's what she is !
so amiable, so kind-looking, and so little to be a queen !" " And
who is that in green, with the costly golden couples over his
shoulders ?" " Oh, that's the master of the dear hounds." " And
all those lovely, smiling ladies ?" " More of the siveet." " Clear the
course, clear the course !'' and straightway there is a movement of
gold, precious stones, silk, and paradise plumes, enough to astonish
the G-eaiii of the Wonderful Lamp.

" Here they come !" Grey Momus, and Ej)irus, and Caravan,
with " httle Pavis, the rara avis." " Another round for it. Well
done, grey ; hurrah ! dismal jacket." " Who's the favourite ?"
" The helles are all for Boives ; I'm for Suifield, he's such a good
fellow." " I'm for Lord Ceorge, he's a hetter." " Hurrah ! splen-
did race." " Oh ! you villain, you've stolen my watch ; but I've
got you, and I'll give .it you." " That ere's never no prigging.
Didn't I hear you promise to give it him ?" " Get away, do — you'll
break the springs : you're not to climb up my steps for a stare."
The Royal Stand is now vacated, and the cause reaches our little
inquisitive friend. " Her Majesty has retired to luncheon." " Law,
is she, indeed ! how I should like to see her eat : I'm dying to
know what sort of meals they provide for her." " All the deli-
cacies in season," explained the wit, with a sinister smile, " and
Lamh the whole year round." The matchless cavalcade has
passed in all its gorgeous simplicity, bearing the cynosure of all
eyes, where waves the banner of St. George a welcome to

" The fair-haired daughter of the Isles,
The hope of many nations.''

This, and a rain, descending a VAncjlaise, gave notice to quit to all
save those who, by the grace of Mackintosh and neat brandy, had
set the elements at defiance. " Let us return to our conveyance,'*
said the lively little matron, " and make our way back to the
station of the Great Western Railway ; my parasol is wet through
already." " Here is the spot where we left it," ejaculated her
spruce and dapper lord and master, " and no trace of it can I
discover : what is to be done now ? And the rascal was paid be-
forehand for stopping." " You could hardly have expected he
woidd stay, however," remarked the stout personage in the nan-
keen leggings, the wig, and the very red face, proving thereby that
he was not only a wit but a philosopher; "you could hardly, in
reason, expect the vehicle to sto^D so long. You should remember
it was a Go-cart."

1839.] 205

EXTEACTS FEOM THE ACTUAL KEGISTEE.

January 15. — A tradesman at the West End was thrown into convulsions,
by the sui-prise of receiving payment of a Christmas bill !

February 9. — An elderly " Signer of Fives," who has, fur thirty years
past, walked from Walworth to the Bank, without picking up one new idea
by the way, hearing that a deputation of paper-makers had applied to Mr.
i^.urphy for a little more rain to make their wheels go round, exclaimed,
"Don't tell me, they never can need it ; have 1 not wanted my umbrella
every morning for above a week ?"

March 15. — The City Forensic Club applied to the Court of Aldermen for
a contribution ; the grant was opposed by one of the Court, on the ground
that they could have nothing to spare for any Foreign-sick Society while
there was so much illness at home.

The same gentleman thought it his duty to inform the Court, that there
was a report on 'Change of an alarming rise in Spei-ma-City. He said he
had been taken from school so long ago, that he had forgotten its locality,
and requested the Eemembrancer to remind him. That learned gentleman,
after referring to a map, said he could not exactly find the place, but he
believed it was somewhere in Wales.

April 1. — At the annual meeting of the Humane Society, medals were
offered for the quickest method of putting disappointed authors out of their
misery — for the means of supplying aldermen, at city feasts, with hot
dinners , and — for the best plan for relieving the baronets from the agonies
they are suffering, on account of their neglected claims.

May 15. — Legacy extraordinary. — A poor old woman, living at Clapham,
a few weeks ago, was given over by the doctor. Her only anxiety was for
her grandson, a scapegrace lad whom she had brought up, and of whom she
was the only relative. He had been placed under the care of a neighbour-
ing waggoner, and the man was sent for. " Thomas," said the old woman,
" I feel that I'm not long here, and 1 fear for Dick when I'm gone. He's a
wild lad, and I've nothing to leave him, but I hope you'll look after him," —
the man nodded assent, — " and try to make a good lad of him," — nod — " and
do your duty by him," — nod again, — " and now and then do give him a cut or
two .'" The authorities at Somerset House have not yet been troubled to fix
the duty payable on this bequest.

Juke 15. — The following advertisement having appeared in the daily
papers, "Found — The wig and gown of a barrister unhnoimi,^'' the place
of reference was next day blocked up with applicants answering the descrip-
tion.

July 21. — Lord Durham, in the midst of the cares of his government, has
not been unmindful of the promotion of science. Among other of his
original projects was one for exporting Canada geese, and domesticating them
in the Bermudas. It was discovered, however, that the attempt was not
likely to succeed, since his Lordship, though he might send them, could not
make them stay there.

August 9. — The recent default in Clerkenwell parish has been the cause
of the following notice on the Church doors : — " The inhabitants are re-
quested to remember when their taxes were collected, or they will be re-
collected.''

October 1. — The Greenwich Pensioners who have lost their legs, this day
presented a petition to the Commissioners of Woods and Forests praying to
pe re-membered.

206 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1839.

NovEMnEU 15. — The Linendrapers' Shopmen held a public meeting to
agitate for earlier hours. Some of the masters, who attended, manifested a
very unaccommodating spirit, and seemed inclined to subject their complaint
to that dangerous system of treatment, counter-irritation.

December 7. — Lord Durham safely arrived at his house in Cleveland Eow
this day. We can vouch for the accuracy of the following particulars. His
Lordship, as he alighted, was observed to look up and down the street, in an
impressive manner, and nodded his head significantly to the porter who
stood to receive him — there seemed to be something in it. His Lordship
passed rapidly through the hall, upstairs, and shortly after his dressing-room
bell was heard to ring. Our reporter, who was stationed at the window of
the opposite house, was not able to ascertain who answered it, but he observed
servants pass out in various directions, and one of them, by his anxious looks,
seemed to manifest peculiar solicitude. Soon afterwards, a butcher's boy
])vesented himself at the area, with a tray containing three mutton chops ;
he received some communication from within, and disappeared rapidly, but
shortly returned, bearing a leg of mutton. No movement of importance
being observed for the next seven minutes, our reporter withdrew to the
nearest public-house for refreshment, and had scarcely taken his seat, when
a servant, in his Lordship's liveiy, entered, and Avhispered to the man at the
bar. The words were not heard, but the pot-boy was observed to leave the
house in great haste, having in his tray three pints of half-and-half. It was
rumoured in the private public room, where our reporter was making his
notes, that his Lordship's return was not attributable to political causes
solely, but to the dread of a Canadian winter; for that, though he was amply
furnished with warm feather beds, he had been disappointed in receiving a
supply of holsters from home. — [Intended for a 3Iorning Paper.]

The principal novel publishers at the West End announce that, in the
course of the ensuing season, they will publish a great many fictions on re-
duced terms. These will all be derived from the most authentic sources of
information, arrangements having been made with several retired lady's-
maids for original communications, and the contents of all slop-pails, sent
under cover, will be considered confidential, and used with discretion. Gen-
tlemen's gentlemen, who have dismissed their masters, and are of a literary
turn, will meet with every encouragement.

The Marquis of Waterford is preparing for publication a new edition of
Wild Sports of the West, with original illustrations.

Early in the new year will be published,

No. I. of
; .,j A FAMILY PEEIODICAL.

' ■ To he continued regularly.

A PKESENTATION COPY.

Though Malthus indite it, and Martineau write it,
I don't think they've quite hit the nail on the head :

And spite of their pother 'bout father and mother,
We may be one or t'other before we are dead,

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For i84o.

208

JANUARY.

[1840.

JOLLY DOGS.— ABOLITION OF THE TRUCK SYSTEM.

Well, blow me— here's a pretty go !
They'll only stop at ruination,
And bringing all our trade to woe,
For labouring in our just wocation.

Why this ere act's the cruel'st deed
That ever was devised to floor us ;
Such as our ancasters ne'er seed.
Nor yet posterity afore us.

Its clean agen the nat'ral law
0' brute beasts, and of humane kind,
For surely dogs was made to draw.
And trucks was made to go behind.

And we was made to sit a-top.
And cut away in all our glory,
And if the lazy varmint stop,
To tell 'em jist another story.

But, dash my wigs— this pretty set.
With hearts as hard as any stone,
Wont let an honest feller whet
His lawful wengeance on his oicn.

No longer now up Highgate road

0' Sunday arternoons I gallop,

With all the brats, a tidy load,

And perhaps a neighbour's child to fill up.

At Farringdon and Common Garden,
I'm fairly laid upon the shelf;
My only chance to earn a farden.
Is truckling to the truck myself.

But we'll resist this horrid plot.
And for our order boldly strive.
For this I know, tliat ours are not
The only ill-used dogs alive.

Let's not be down upon our luck.
Nor out of heart at our condition,
And since our dogs can't draw a truck.
At least we'll draw up a petition ;

And lay our ease before the Commons,
What keeps the money of the nation :
Perchance we'll get, like other rum 'uns.
An equitable compensation.

Ordered to be considered below.

WEATHER

Nipping frosts

and
driving snows,

thick-soled slioea

and

double-hose.

Counter petition.

i840.1 209

BAEBEE, COX, AND THE OUTTma OF HIS COMB.

JANUAKY.— The Announcement.

On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the neigh-
bourhood of Oxford market ; of a Tvife, Mrs. Cox ; of a business, both in the
shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years ; of a girl and boy
respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen ; of a three-windowed front,
both to my first and second pair ; of a young foreman, my present partner, Mr.
Orlando Crump ; and of that celebrated mixture for the human hair, invented
by my late uncle, and called Cox's Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at
two-and-three, and three-and-nine ; the balsam, the lodgings, and the old-esta-
blished cutting and shaving business, brought me in a pretty genteel income.
I had had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school ; my dear boy, Tugge-
ridge, plaited hair abeady beautifully ; my wife at the counter (behind the tray
of patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as ^Ajssible ; and it was my hope
that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another, would, one
day, be joined together in Hyming : and, conjointly with my son Tug, carry
on the business of hairdressers, when theii- father was either dead or a gentle-
man ; for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. deteiToined I should be.

Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connexions : though
her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr. Tuggeridge,
her father, kept the famous tripe-shop, near the Pigtail and Sparrow, in the
Whitechapel Koad, from which place I married her ; being myself very fond
of the article, and especially when she served it to me — the dear thing !

Jemima's father was not successful in business : and I married her, I am proud
to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and my Bohemian
balsam to support her ! — and we had hojoes from her uncle, a mighty rich East
India merchant, Avho, having left this country sixty years ago, had arrived to
be the head of a great house in India, and was worth millions, we were told.

Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my lamented
father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow and Co.),
retired from the management of it ; handed over his shares to his son, Mr. John
Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland Place and Tuggeridge-
ville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my wife took her daughter in her
hand and went, as in duty bound, to visit her imcle ; but whether it was that
he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in her way (the dear girl fears
nobodv, let me have you to know), a desperate quarrel took place between them ;
and from that day to the day of his death he never set eyes on her. All that
he would condescend to do was to take a few dozen of lavender water from us
in the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us.
All the neighbours laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for Jemmy
had bragged not a little ; howevei', we did not care, for the connexion was
always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet ; Mr. Bar, the coachman ;
and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly enough. I used to powder
the footman, too, on great days, but never in my life saw old Tuggeridge, except
once ; when he said, " 0, the barber !" tossed up his nose, and passed on.

One day — one famous day last January — all our market was thrown into a
high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three vehicles at our
establishment. As me. Jemmy, my daughter. Tug, and Orlando, were sitting
in the back parlour over om- dinner (it being Chilstmas time, Mr. Crump had
treated the ladies to a bottle of port, and was longing that there should be a
mistletoe bough ; at which proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass
of negus) : — we had just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden. Tug
bellows out, " Law, pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cabl"

And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough — Mrs. Breadbasket in deep
mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back shop.
My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the world, set her
a chaii-, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was very kind of her to come.
"Law, mem." sa^s Mrs. B., "I'm sure I'd do anything to serve your family, for
the saka of that poor dear Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone."

2 TO THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O.

" That's what ?" cries my -wife

" What, gone ?" cried Jeiuimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls -will about
anything or nothing) ; and Orlando looking very rueful, and ready to cry too.

'' Yes, gaw " Just as she was at this very " gaw," Tug roars out, " Law

pa ! hei-e's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!"

It was Mr. Bar : when she saw him Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back
into the pai-lour with my ladies. " What is it, Mr. Bar ?" says I ; and, as quick
as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, and the whole
of his face in a beautiful foam of lather : Mr. Bar made some resistance. " Don't
think of it, Mr. Cox," says he; "don't trouble yourself, sir;" but I lathered
away and never minded. "And what's this melancholy event, sir," says I,
•' that has spread desolation in your family's bosoms ? I can feel for your loss,
sir — I can feel for your loss."

I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because Tugge-
ridge was my uncle — no, as such I disown him.

Mr. Bar was just about to speak. " Yes, sir," says he, " my master's gaw "

When at the " gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man ! — the finest gentleman
I ever saw.

"What, you here, Mr. Bar ?" says he.

" Yes, I am, sir ; and haven't I a right, sir ?"

" A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock, stepping up and making
my bow. "A sad circumstance too, sir— and is it a turn of the tongs that you
want to-day, sir? Ho, there ! Mr. Crump !"

" Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow ; '• but
from you, sir, never, no never, split me! — and I wonder how some fellows can
have the insolence to allow their masters to shave them !" With this Mr. Hock
flung himself down to be curled : Mr. Bar suddenly opened his mouth in order
to reply; but, seeing there was a tiff between the gentlemen, and wanting to
prevent a quarrel, I rammed the "Advertiser" into Mr. Hock's hands, and just
popped my shaving brush into Mr. Bar's mouth — a capital way to stop angry
answers.

Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair a second, when whin- comes a haclcney-
coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black coat with a bag.

" What, you here ?" says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it
seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, you here?" "Your
name is Cox, sir," says he ; smiling, too, as the very pattern of mine. " My
name, sir, is Sharpus — Blunt, Hone, and Sharpus, Middle Temple-lane, — and I
am proud to salute you, sir ; happy, — that is to say, sorry to say, that Mr.
Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress, in consequence,
to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom."

At this I started, and might have simk to the ground, but for my hold of Mr.
Bar's nose ; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed to Mr. Hock's
head ; our respective patients gave a wince out: — Mrs. C, Jemimarann, and Tug,
rushed from the back shop, and we formed that splendid tableau which the great
Cruikshank has here depicted !

" Aud Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir ?" says I.

"Why — hee, hee, hee !" says Mr. Sharpus; "surely you know that he was
only the — hee, hee, hee ! — the natural son !"

You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so
eager to come to us : one of the housemaids heard Mr. Sharpus say there was
no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John Tugge-
7-idge : this she told in the housekeeper's room ; and off, as soon as they heard
it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the news.

We kept them, every one, in their old places ; for, though my Avife would have
sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted, " Mamma, you
knotr they have been used to great houses, and we have not ; had we not better
keep them for a little ?" — Keep them then, we did, to show us how to be gentle-
tolks.

I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of pre-
mium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for it ; but
this I was above : Crump had served me faithfully, and have the shop he should.

1840.]

FEBRUARY.

A PENNY POST-OBIT.

My deae Friend, — I write you this letter to explain to you way you Lavo
uext to nothing to pay for it. The Government has settled the business ; and
tlio Chancellor of the Exchequer has resolved to set his revenue a going hy the
Post. We are to pay a penny for a letter, which is expected to have upon it tho
stamp of the Post Office, and of public approbation at the same time. I hardly
think it will. Some of the community are looking dull about it alreadj^ Thero
is a pe7ice-ive air about the two — I beg pardon, the — one penny postmen, which
strikes every one. They intimate that it is gammon to load a man with an ad-
ditional hundredweight of paper, and to call that a redtccthn of imblic duty. It
clearly aifects people of that stani}^ ; and the public surmise it may even touch tho
Ne^v^spapers. In short, they say that the limes will be quite altered hj the Post.
Ladies generally seem to like the idea, bi;t there is a visible depression in the
mails. Many a coachman has been thrown off his guard, and surprised into a
most deteiTuined alteration of carriage. The Government Avill be apolitical mid-
wife, engaged in an everlasting deliverj^ London is already afflicted with a
metropolitan rhei;matism, produced by the introduction of fresh draughts into
passages, the carpenters having cut holes in all the street-doors. Sanguine
people, however, retain their knockers, in the hope of getting the rcAvard offered
for the discovery oi perpetual motion! They say there is to be an issue of more
than a million of letters a day ; but men are a little at issue about this. There
must be some truth in it, however, astwotliousand counters have been engaged,
— one thousand to count them, and the other to cotint them ttpon. Sorters of all
sorts are employed. At the Post Offices, at all hours, the pigeon holes will be suj--
rounded by carriers. The poor fellows will be like muskets, perpetually (7o/;;<7 off.
Eowland Hill has invented this scheme ; but the postmen do not complain of him
so mi;ch as of the other hills they must trudge over with their great bags of letters.
The only district there is any contention for is Pag shot heath, once famous fur
highwaymen; they say, however, that we are all highwaymen now, and do
nothing but make them " stand and deliver " from morning till night. Some mer-
cantile quarrels have sprung out of the new regulation. For instance, there is a
good deal of milling among the paper-makers. The march of paper will be pio-
digious — the French say we shall have none left, that it will be all papier marche i
Men, women, and children are to Avrite — right or wrong. Enjoinments to this duty
— now the other duty is off — p]-ess from all quarters. " J^e sure you send me plenty
of jiofe?," says the son, departing for College. " Write to me often, 7?/%, eto," asktj
the affectionate mother of her school-going child. Love-letters, containing
mutual ^te?^es, will h^popped into the post by thousands ; and hearts gone passecl
redemption will be slipped recklessly through a hole in the door. It is uncertain
whether orators will not cease spouting, and singers write the notes which they
formerly would have littered. Ironmongers are looking up — and/o?'i/(?r.?/is going
on famously — in consequence of the great demand for steam steal pens. Mauifohl-
writers are quite exhausted. I confess, I do not like the system myself— as it's
Pill's, it has its ills ; any good in it will appear on an examination—

Post Moktkm.
p2

2lJ THE COSMIC ALMANACK. [184O

FEBRUARY.— FiKST Rout.

We Avero speedily installed in our fine house : but what's a house without
friends ? Jemmy made me cut all my old acquaintances in the market, and I was
a solitary being, when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours. Captain Tagrag, was
so kind as to promise to introduce us into distingidshed society. Tagrag was
the son of a baronet, and had done us the honour of lodging with us for tivo
years ; when we lost sight of him, and of his little accoimt, too, by the way. A
fortnight after, hearing of our good fortune, he was among us again, however ;
and Jemmy was not a little glad to see him, knowing him to be a bai'onet's son,
and very fond of our Jemimaraun ; indeed, Orlando Twho is as brave as a lion)
had, on one occasion, absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor
girl ; a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond of her,

Mr. Crump, poor felloAv, was not very much pleased by our good fortune,
though he did all he could to try, at first ; and I told him to come and take his
dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima very soon put
a stop, for she came very justly to know her statm-e, and to look down on Crump,
which she bid her daughter to do ; and, after a great scene, in which Orlando
showed himself very rude and angry, he was forbidden the house — for ever !

So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all Avith us. " You
see, sir," our Jemmy would say, " Ave shall have om* town and country mansion,
and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds to leave betAveen our
two children ; and, AAdth such prospects, they ought surely to have the first
society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us acquainted
with the ver}^ pink of the fashion; ay, and what's more, did.

First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays and
Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the park ; me and Jemimaraun, Avfth
two grooms behind us, Avho used to laugh all the way, and whose very beards I
had shaved. As for little Tug, he Avas sent straight off to the most fashionable
school in the kingdom, the Eev. Doctor Pigney's, at Eichmond.

Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the papers
about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way, double your name, and stick an ' e ' to the
end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect in a wonderfully short
space of time, and Ave began to get a very joretty society about us. Some of old
Tug's friends swore they Avoidd do anything for the family, and brought their
Avives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Cox and her chaiining girl ; and when, about
the first Aveek in February, Ave announced a grand dinner and ball, for the even-
ing of the tAventy-eighth, I assure you there Avas no Avant of company; no, nor
of titles neither ; and it ahvays does my heart good even to hear one mentioned.
Let me see, there was, first, my Lord Dunbooze, an Irish peer, and his seven
sons, the Honom-able Messieurs Trumper(two only to dinner); there was Count
Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron Von Punter,
from Baden ; there Avas Lady Blanch Bluenose, the eminent literati, author of
"The Distrusted," "The Distorted," "The Disgusted," "The Disreputable
One," and other poems; there was the DoAvager Lady Max, and her daughter,
the Honourable Miss Adelaide Blueruin ; Sir Charles Codshead, from the City ;
and Field-Marshal Su' Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., K.B., K.C, K.W., K.X., in
the service of the republic of Guatemala : my friend Tagrag, and his fashion-
able acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made up the party ; and when the doors
Avere flung open, and jMr. Hock, in black, Avith a Avhite napkin, three footmen,
coachman, and a lad, Avhom Mrs. C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons, and called
a page, Avere seen round the dinner-table, all in Avhite gloves, I promise you I
felt a thrill of elation, and thought to myself — Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever
would have expected to see you here ?

After dinner, there Avas to be, as I said, an evening, ^^arty ; and to this Messieurs
Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited manj- of the principal nobility that our me-
tropolis has i^roduced. When I mention, among the company to tea, her Grace
the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and the Ladies North
Pole, her daughters ; Avhen I say that there were yet others, Avhose names may
ba found in the Blue Boole, but shan't, out of modesty, be mentioned here, 1
think I've said enough to show that, in our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was
the resort of the best company.

1840.] FIRST ROUT. 213

It was oiu- first dinner, and dressed b}' our new cook, Munseer Cordongblew.
I boro it very well, eating, for my share, a filly dysol allamater dotell, a cutlet
soubeast, a pnlly bashjanall, and other French dishes : and, for the frisky sweet
■wine, with tin tops to the bottles, called Ohanipang, I must say that me and
Mrs. Coxe-Tiiggeridge-Coxe drank a very good share of it (but the Claret and
Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish); however, the feed, as I
eay, went off very well. Lady Blanch Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so
good as to put me down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baroii
V on Punter engaging Jemimaranu for several waltzes, and the Field-Marsh-.il
plying my dear Jemmy with Champang imtil, bless her! her dear nose became
as red as her new crimson satin gown, which, Avith a blue turban and Bird-of-
Paradise feathers, made her look like an Empi-ess, I warrant.

Well, dinner past, Mrs. 0. and the ladies went off: — thunder-imder-imder
came the knocks at the door ; squeedle-eedle-eedlo, Mr. Wippert's fiddlers be-
gan to strike up ; and, about half-past eleven, me and the gents thought it high
time to make our appeai-anee. I felt a little squeamish at the thought of meet-
ing a couple of hundred great people ; but Count Mace, and Sir Gorman
O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the drawing-room.

The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great
ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working away at
the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann amongst the
dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron Punter, in what
they call a gallypard ; then I peeped into the circle of the Duchesses, where, in
course, I expected to find Mrs. C. ; but she wasn't there ! She was seated at
the farther end of the room, looking very sulky; and I went .up, and took her
arm, and brought her down to the place where the Duchesses were. "O, not
there!" said Jemmy, trying to break awa}'. "ISTonsense, my dear,'' says I, " j'ou
are Missis, and this is your place :" — then, going up to her Ladyship the Duchess,
says I, " Me and ray Missis are most proud of the honour of seeing of you."
The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak.
I went on. " The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see : and so we thought
we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am, I think,
are too stiff to dance."
" Sir ?" says her Grace.

" Ma'am," says 1, " don't you know me ? my name's Cox — nobody's intro-
duced me ; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself — so give
us your hand, ma'am."

And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world : but, would you believe it }
the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 'tater. " Fitzurse ! Fitzurse !"
shouted she ; " help ! help !" Up scuffied all the other Dowagers — in rushed the
dancers. " Mamma ! mamma !" squeaked Lady Julia North Pole. " Lead me to
my mothei'," howled Lady Aurorer ; and both came up and flung themselves into
her arms. " Wawt's the raw .?" said Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately.
" Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. " Where's Tuft-
hunt ? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me."
"My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, veiy meek.

" Don't Duchess me, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak ; and
hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me ? Didn't his monstrous
Avife sicken me with her odious familiarities ? Call my people, Tufthunt !
Follow me, my children!"

"And my caxTiage; and mine, and mine !" shouted twenty more voices ; and
down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanch Bluenose, and Lady Mas
among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal, and one or two men,
who roared with laughter ready to split.

" 0, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, " why would you take me back to them ? they
had sent me away before ! I only asked the Duchess whether she didn't like rum-
ehnib better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos : and, would you believe it ?
all the company burst out laughing; and the Duchess told me just to keep off,
and not spoxk till I was spoken to. Imperence ! I'd like to tear her eyes out."
And so I lo believe my dearest Jemmy would !

214 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O,

TOM THE DEVIL.

A FRAGMENT OF THE BIOGRAI'nY OF 1839.

" I do declare, upon an affidavit,

Romance I've never read like that I've seen :
Noi% if unto the world I e?cr gave it.
Would some bcUeve that such a tale had been !" — Bjron.
It was a little past tlie noon of a lovely day in the last Autumn, that,
as I rode towards the Doncaster race-course, to enjoy an hour of its rural
Revelries, before the serious business of the Lcger coujraenced, I found myself
/lailed by a voice, and an arm of a red silk robe de chamhre, from a drawing-
room window of the " Salutation." Now, w'hen we set out in prepense search
of adventure, it don't require the song of the Syrens to induce us to lufF up
to a hail. Turning under the gateway, therefore, I dismounted, and taking
my way upstairs, made the apartment for which I was bound, with but little
diifficulty. The chamber was, certainly, not the worst specimen I had ever
seen of the unfortunate w' orld whereof it formed an item. The appointments
combined no ordinary degree of comfort and elegance, while a table, placed
at one of the windows, was stocked after a manner that would have done
honour to the corporation of Bristol. Among various ^Za^s, consisting of cold
partridges, French pates, devil'd grouse, and varieties of choice fruit, arose
the graceful forms of tapering flasks, eloquent of many a rare and precious
vintage. The lord 01 all, arrayed in a robe of scarlet silk, lined wuth purple
of a like material, lay, dishevelled, in Sybarite indulgence, upon a sofa
adjoining this teeming board. " Couchant,'" I knew him not ; but as he rose
to receive me, there, in that silk attire, stood confessed the worthy, a frag-
ment of wdiose biography I am now in the act of perpetuating — the veritable
hero of these presents, even Tom the Devil himself. As my acquaintance
with him at the time (and indeed in all subsequent experience) was of a
very desultory character, this introduction of him to the reader must be of a
similar nature. Ireland was the laud of his birth ; but the particulars of his
parentage were less definitely ascertained. I was assured he had an uncle
(from an episode in his life that it is not convenient here to enter upon), and,
indeed, he himself admitted that he was in the habit of frequent intercourse
vrith a person distinguished by that appellation. However, for our present
purpose, it is enough that he was an eccentric, endowed with little of the
tedious coherence of the merely common-place. When we laugh at the
samples of his compatriots, put before us by the playw^right and the actor, we
regard them as pleasant burlesques, cleverly, though unnaturally, got up.
Reader ! if haply thou hast had no personal experience of Erin as it is, permit
me to ofier thee this characteristic fragment.

" Ould fellow," said the fiend, clutching my hand in a monstrous homy
fist, " by m}'- sowl, I'm grately plazed to meet ye in these parts : when did ye
come to Doncaster? and where do ye hang out? and how long do ye stop?"
" Came by the Edinburgh mail yestex-day morning ; at my old lodgings at
the saddler's, nearly opposite the Rooms : leave for towni to-morrow," said I.
"That's a nate way of doing business, sure enough," was the commentary;
" ounly I can't lam the sinse of going to a private lodging, where, if you
ordher a kidney for breakfast, you're expected to fork out to the butcher. See
how / carry on the war, and never hard the ghost of an inquiry about coin
sense I sot fut in the house. A hotel's the place for me ! I've thried 'em all,
from the Club-house at Kilkinny to the Clarendon, and, by the holy poker,
never wish mysilf worse luck than such cantonments ! Arrah! what more
does a man require than a place where, if he wants a bottle of claret, all he
lias to do is to ring the bell for it? Dine with me to-night," continued
the social economist ; " they put you to trough very respectably in this same
shop : ask, and have, that's the ticket." I declined, with thanks ; urging a

1S4O.J TOM THE DEVIL. 2t5

previous engagement, and made a demonstration of leave-taking. — " Fill a
bumper of sparkling burgundy before you go, any how," said my hospitable
host ; " you'll find it a gentlemanly morning tipple ! if this be war, may we
never have pace ; here's to our next merry meeting, and may we never know
the want of oceans of wine, plantations of tobacco, cart-loads of pipes, lots of
purty girls, and a large room to swear in. — Farewell."

About a fortnight after the date to which the foregoing refers, chance
placed me in Dublin, and the coffee-room of Morisson's hotel, towards eight,
P.M., with the remnant of a bottle of Sneyd and Barton's "twenty-two''
before me. With his back to one of the fires stood what had all the outward
appearance of a scare-crow — a figure made up of a coat that no res])ectable
old clothesman would degrade his bag withal, and a superlatively " shocking
bad hat." The waiters were eyeing it in a most suspicious manner, and 1
was wondering why they didn't kick it into the street, when, to my utt'M-
amazement, the " horrible illusion" stalked towards the place where I sat,
and, in accents familiar to my ear, wheezed out, " Ould fellow, by my soavI
I'm grately plazed to meet ye in these parts !" There could be no mistak(^
about it — Tom, it was — "sGd quanto mutatus ab illo diabolo.^^ "A chair,"
said I, to a waiter who was now staring at us both, like the Trojan who drew
Priam's curtain — "bring a chair and another wine-glass ;" and pouring a
bumper, I pushed it towards my vis-avis. " Drink, Tom," I continued ;
"whatever maybe your object in this masquerading, a drain of Bordeaux
will never hurt you : drink, and then, unless it's treason, leave off your
damnable faces and begin." "Masquerading!" exclaimed the scurvy hbel
upon the Doncaster Sardanapalus, with a smile as much out of character on
such a face as a rose in an undertaker's button-hole ; " by the piper of Bles-
singtown, it's rale arnest ! Unless the smell of mate be disagreeable to you
after dinner, for the honour of dacency tell them to get me a few steakes
without delay : I'm as full of wind as a blown blather : hke my ould coat,
I'm dying of the stitches.'' Several handsome sections of a sirloin having
been disposed of, without the ceremony of oyster sauce, and a wish for ma-
terials fo»' punch (expressed with a look of intense yearning), duly admi-
nistered to, "the Devil" thus detailed his progress since our parting : —

" It's mighty nice for philosophers, on three courses and a dessert, to talk
about the uses of adversity being sweet ; but if they'll thry a genuine sample
of it, say a can of poorhouse soup (biliug dish- wa the r, flavoured with a farthing
rushlight to the gallon), perhaps they would alther their opinions a leetle.
However, there's no need for these reflections now. How did the Leger serve
you? — I lost (that was of very little consequence) — but I didn't win, and that

tms, as I was entirely without funds just thin. Well, I wint to ould 's,

at night (having transmogrified what odd togs I could muster into cash, by
the assistance oH my father^ 8 brother), and if it had been ' vingt un' or ' loo,''
we were playing, my fortune would have been made, for I got aces by the
baker's dozen. But at hazard they're not the thing : so I was turned inside
out as clane as a pudden-bag — indeed rather claner, as they got out of me
about four times as much as ever I contained. Whin I rose to lave the house
(who was to stay there with such a run against him ?), the blaggards objected
to my taking my Macintosh and hat with me, bad luck to them ! and so I
had to return home as classically undressed as William the Third in College
Green. A man without hat or coat, however, isn't so well thought of now-a-
days as among the ancient Eomans ; and, as misfortunes never come alone,
without half a score to keep them company, I found my credit at the hotel

had gone to look after that which I left at ould 's hazard-table. No

gentkman should ever demane himself by running the risk of a notice to
quit; 80, instead of stopping at the race-ground next morning, I walked

2l6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O.

quietly on to Newark. It's raly a purty walk from Doncaster to Liver-
pool— tliat is to say, for those who are fond of pedcsthrian exercise — / like
riding better ; and so I wasn't sorry whin I seen the Mersey rowling away
on my right. Having left my body-coat in pledge for the last night's lodging,
I had to borry one that was hanging on a stick in a pay-field, and as my
shoes had given in at Norman Cross, I was not just the cut for a fashionable
hotel. A bit of an ague I was lucky enough to pick up at Grantham, how-
ever, qualified me for a berth in the hospital, where 1 remained till I was
convalescent — which manes on the brink of the grave ; so I left, to save them
the trouble of burying me. There's no stepping from the pier-head at Liver-
pool to the North Wall here, so that there was nothing left for it but an
application, in form of a distriss'd Irish agriculturist, to the export committee,
and they furnished me with a pass for the hould of a steamer, and a fourpenny
loaf for sea-store. If our passage hadn't been a bad one, I should have done
well enough ; but my provision was out before we reached the Orme's Head,
and I was ready to ate my brogues whin I caught sight of you. Never mind !
worse luck now — better another time ; as Shakspeare says — * Life's a stage,
and every man plays many parts.' Anthony to-day, Scrub to-morrow "

THE DUST ABOUT THE GOLD DUST.

A lac of lost rupees might make

The loser cry, " aZacA; .'" '
But think upon their grief who're robb'd

Of gold, and by the sack !
And what a dust they did kick up

To get their gold dvst back !

To rob two British merchants thus

Did wicked Jews combine ;
They knew that gold dust had arriv'd,

And what house did consign :
Said each, " Since from the mine it comes,

I'll make some of it mine .'"

With firm right-hand a bad Clerk forg'd

The write-hand of the Firm :
The Customs gave the box (where was

Eeflection, then, 0 Sturm !)
And all the iDags of gold, inside.

Were bagg'd, like briefs in Term.

They cabb'd the booty all away.

That boots might leave no tracks ;
Then lugg'd the sacks out, one by one,

And laid them on their backs :
And marshall'd them all in a row,

Like troops of Marshal Saxe !

They hid them in the pot-house low

Of Moses — "fence," and "do;"
For wealth amass' d, 'tis doubtful how,

Call'd '^ Honey Moses," too;
The world gave him that Christian name,

Because he was a Jew I

Now Moses had a daughter, dark,

A damsel all discreet, ...

1840.1 THE DUST ABOUT THE GOLD DUST. 91 J

He gave the gold into her hands,

And she perform'd i\iQ feat
Jf selling it to a goldsmith Jew,

Another wicked cheat !

Into the goldsmith's crucible

The bag of ore she thrust ;
Then, as the dust dissolv'd, she cried,

"Come, down, now, with your dust I''
And he, all in the melting mood,

Said, "I suppose I must."

At once sou-iQ pounds for every ounce

He paid upon the spot.;
A shining ingot soon was turn'd

Out of the melting-pot .
A precious scrape the Jew got in,

All through that same ingot.

For 'mong the thieves divisions rose,

Like vinegar with oil.
They disagreed — for one would still

The other rob and foil :
And all their deep-laid schemes were spoiV-d

In sharing out the spoil.

At last, of their dissentient rows,

A ^peach became the fruit ,
One Jew, in jew-rious, blabb'd about

The dust and the dispute :
The gang were taken, and the law

Fell cute to prosecute '.

Then Moses, goldsmith, damsel, clerk,

Into their pickle fell ;
They found they were no sooner sold,

Than clapp'd into a cell:
From which not one of them could holt,

While bolted in so well !

At last the trial did come on.

The Court was in a throng,
The Evidence against them all

Was heavy, dense, and strong ;
Guilty the Ju-vy found the Jeios,

And so might end my song : —

But no ; the lawyers found a flaw,

To keep the law at bay —
Not Bot'ny-bay — the way by which

They should be sent away —
So one or two, hy getting off,

May still in London stay.

Now all the Culprits' fates depend

On what the Judges choose ;
To sin-a-gain, not Synagogue,

Their liberty they'd use :
So England hopes her Judges wont

Emancipate the Jews !

210

MARCH.

[1840.

MARCH DUST.— THE BELL SAVAGE.

15.

That dustman's bell — that dustman's bell —
What horrid tales its tongue did tell!
lie surely served his country well
Who freed us from the dustman's bell.

When basking in the morning beams,
I revell'd in Elysian dreams,
'Mon? flowers, by Helicon's sweet bubble,
Inventing rhymes with little trouble ;
What did so soon the charm dispel.
As that detested dustman's bell !

Or, thinking all the night away,
On debts ungather'd, bills to pay ;
And pondering how it might be known
Whether 'twas best to hang or drown,
I've dropped into a wearied snooze.
And quickly tied the fatal nooze,
Then, starting at my funeral knell.
Found 'twas the dustman's passing bell.

When dining with a chosen few,
" The jolly cocks," a noble crew,
I've wander'd home supremely glorious,
And even dared to be uproarious.
The champagne mounting in my' head,
Not knowing how I got to bed;
And, waking with the dawn, I've found
The room and bed-post turning round ;
What time, in accents loud and clear.
My loving, lawful, lady dear.
With curtain'd privilege elate,
And heedless of my fallen state.

The round of all my faults doth tell ;
Spite of my headache and my woes.
Exhausted, I begin to doze,

And dream I hear the dustman's bell.

That dustman's bell— that dustman's bell, &c.

Animal Magnetism Exhibitions
London Hospital.

The cunning patient, we are told.
Would only move when touch'd by gold.
That would not suit the learned elves ;
The Doctors wanted it themselves.

SEASON S SIGNS.

'Tis hard for

dust

they may not

ring;

because,

in March, 'twill

buy

a King.

A Dustman and his
Belle.

sto2")pod at the Nortli

25. Gold-dust robbery. New version of "The Golden Fleece.

1840.]

219

MARCH.— A Day with the Surrey Hounds.

Our ball had failed so completely, that Jemmy, who was bent still upon
fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to Tuggeridge-
ville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here there was none ; for
the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and suppers, danced at our
balls — ay, and spoke to us too. We were great people, in fact ; I a regular
counti-y gentleman ; and, as such, Jemmy insisted that I should be a sports-
man, and join the county hunt. " But," says I, "my love, I can't ride."
" Pooh ! Mr. C," she said, " you're always making difficulties ; you thought
you couldn't dance a quadrille ; you thought you couldn't dine at seven o'clock ;
you thought you couldn't lie in bed after six ; and haven't you done every one
of these things ? You must and you shall ride !" And when my Jemmy said
" must and shall," I knew very well there was nothing for it : so I sent down
fifty guineas to the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the veiy next week I
received notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail
Common, just outside of my lodge-gates.

I didn't know what a meet was ; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was most
probable the dogs were to be fed there : however, Tagrag explained this
matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a delightful animal
of'his own ; which, being desperately pressed for money, he would let me have
for a hundred guineas, he himself having given a hundred and fifty for it.

"Well, the Thursday came ; the hovmds met on Squashtail Common ; Mrs. C.
turned out in her barouche to see us throw off ; and being helped up on my
chestnut horse. Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came presently
round to join them.

Tag mounted his own horse; and as we walked down the avenue, "I
thought," he said, " you told me you knew how to ride ; and that you had
ridden once fifty miles on a stretch !"

"And so I did," says I : "to Cambridge, and on the box too."

" On the boxf" says he ; " but did you ever mount a horse befox'e .'"'

"Never," says I, "but I fijid it mighty easy."

"Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe,
for your spirit ;" and so we came out of the gate.

As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt, but
what a hunt is — why the horses will go among the dogs and ride them down —
why the men cry out "yooooic" — why the dogs go snuffing about in threes and
fours, and the huntsman says, "Good Towler — good Betsy;" and we all of us
after him, say, " Good Towler — good Betsy " in course : then, after hearing a
yelp here, and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow ! bursts out, all of a
sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap in the velvet cap screeches
out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat here), " Hark, to Eingwood !" and
then, " There he goes !" says some one ; and all of a sudden, helter skelter,
skurry hurry, slap bang, hooping, screeching, and hurraing, blue coats and red
coats, bays and grej^s, horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baronets, dustmen, and
blackguax'd boys, go tearing, all together, over the common after two or three
of the pack that yowl the loudest. Why all this is, I can't say, but it all took
place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence.

Up to this I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been trotting
gently about the field until the dogs found : and I managed to stick on very
well ; hut directly the tow-rowing began, off went Trumpeter like a thundei--
bolt, and I found myself playing among the dogs like the donkey among the
chickens. "Back, Mr. Coxe," holloas the huntsman; and so I pulled very
hard, and cried out. Wo ! but he wouldn't ; and on I went galloping for the
dear life. How I kept on is a wonder; but I squeezed my knees in very tight,
and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff
of Trumpeter's neck, and looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and
trusted to luck, for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better
aaan would be in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser.

As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you, houestlj;
I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails ; nothing in this world diil
I see except Trumpeter's dun-coloured mane, and that I giipped firm : riding.

220 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1840.

by the blessing of luck, safe tlirongb the walking, the trotting, the'galloping,
and never so much as getting a tumble.

There was a chap at Croydon, very well known as the " Spicy Dustman,"
who, when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out on
his donkey ; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed to
keep up with the dogs, but trotting quietly through the cross roads, and know-
ing the country well. Well, liaving a good guess where the hounds would
find, alid the line that sly Eejaiolds (as they call the fox) Avould take, the Spicy
Dustman turned his animal down the lane, from S.quashtail to Cutshins Com-
mon, across which, siu'e enough, came the whole hunt. There's a small hedge
and a remarkably fine ditch here ; some of the leading chaps took both, in
gallant style ; others Avent round b}' a gate, and so would I, only I couldn't ; for
Tnimpeter would have the hedge, and be-hanged to him, and went right for it.

Hoop ! if ever you did try a leap ! Out go your legs, out fling your arms,
off goes your hat ; and the next thing you feel, that is, / did, is a most tremen-
dous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the stirrups ; me left
in the branches of a tree ; Trumpeter gone clean from under me, and walloping
and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of the stirrup-leathers had
caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get away; and neither of us, T
thought, ever woiild have got away ; but, all of sudden, who should coukj up
the lane but the Spicy Dustman !

"Holloa!" says I, "you gent, just let us down from this here tree !"

" Lor !" says he, " I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin."

" Let's down," says I ; but he was all this time employed in disengaging
Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as possible.
"Let's down," says I. "Presently," says he; and taking off his coat, he
begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and saddle ; and,
when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did? — he just quietlj'
mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, " Git down yourself, old Beai-s-
grease ; you've only to drop ! ril give your oss a hairing arter them 'ouuds ;
and you, vy you may ride back my pony to Tuggeiidgeweal !" And with this,
I'm blest if he didn't ride away, leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and
expecting every minute the branch would break.

It did break too, and down I came into the slush ; and when I got out of
it, lean tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor Belvidearis
what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop-window, when I was in tlie
hau-dressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our rose-oil. Faugh ! what a
figure I was !

I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very
qiTietly cropping gi\ass in the hedge), and to make my way home ; and after a
weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate.

A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back ; their
Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit ; and a number of horses
walldng up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the hunt, who had
come in after losing their fox ! " Here's Squire Coxe !" shouted the grooms.
Out rushed the servants, out poin-ed the gents of the hunt, and on trotted
poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody dying Avith laughter at me.

Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloiDing up, and passed me ; a
man jumped down, and taking off a fantail-hat, came up, very gravely, to help
me down.

" Squire," says he, " how came you by that there hanimal ? Jist git doAAai,
will you, and give it to its howner."

" Kascal !" says I, "didn't you ride off on my horse ?"

"Was there ever sich ingratitude.'" says the Spicy. "I found this year oss
in a pond, I saves him from di'owning, I brings him back to his master, and he
calls me a rascal !"

The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, mj own servants, all set
up a roar at this ; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed as not to
be able to laugh just then.

And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I
showed gi-eat pluck, and want me to tiy again ; but " no," says I, " I have been."

I840.J

APRIL.

22:

CAUGHT AT CATCHING.

To angle o' April ! Shame and wicked deed,
Debarr'd, like March, from Anglo-Saxon lad ;

Nor May net profit must the fisher heed.
For bad it is, and so it is for-bad!

In these — Vclq fence months — 'tis offence : for men

To fish among the spawn were cruel sign :
John Bull should leave his Hook, and fishers then

Should be employed in quite another line.

'Twere graceless sure to fright the UiUe fry

From family peace :— the Mayor, their quiet heeding.

The die has cast that then they should not die.
Besides 'twould plainly be against good breeding !

The Thames is the Mayor's nest— a, bitter dish
His Lordship gives its spoilers— name of fear;

Wliy 'tis admitted, even by the fish,
Diet of Worms was never more severe !

lie tackles all the fishers : rightly deems

The sink of nets a sink of sin ! —for boat.
To ply the angler, wherry wicked seems ;

He will not have a single float afloat !

In March, upon the Thames, march no man must j
April must heed his reign— Invdkiie the spot.

And out of water he'll kick up a dust ;
The year says May, — but he says you may not.

Woe to the mortal who sh&Wftounder there !

Let man shun Mansion House, and Lord Mayor's search j
He, like an eagle, sits, with savage stare.

Defying all the world to touch— his perch !

Fishers ! forego your line for three months' length.
And fence, don't fish, m fence months nowj
for mind,

Tho' every week the Mayor put out his strength,
If there you are not found you are not Jined !

WEATHER.

The Weather-

Prophet,

foiled,

doth loudly

vow,

Oentle Sport.

though

wrong before,

I'm sure I've

hit it now ;

-^5^^^

TLklusr to their Eels.

The Bailiffs are coming, Oh dour ! oh dear

22 2 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O,

APlvIL.— The Finishing Touch.

I WAS always fond of billiards : and in former days, at Grogram's, in Greek
Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet twice a Aveek for
a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted the first man of the
club ; and could take five from John the marker himself. I had a genius, in
fact, for the game; and now that I was placed in that station of life where I
could cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I
do say that I think myself as good a hand as any chap in England.

The Count, and his Excellency Baron von Punter, were, I can tell you,
astonished by the smartness of my play ; the first two or three rubbers Punter
beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him all to sticks ;
or, at least, win six games to his fom- : and such was the betting upon me : his
Excellency losing large sums to the Coimt, who knew what play was, and used
to back me. I did not play except for shillings, so my skill was of no great
service to me.

One day I entered the billiard-room when these three gentlemen were high
in words. "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain Tagrag say. "I
won't stand it."

" Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said the Baron.

"You sail not have a single tezare of him, begar," said the Count. "Ye vill
blow you, M. de Taguerague ; parole d'honneur, ve vill."

"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and feathers ?"

" Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking abouii — about — pigeon-shooting. The
Count, here, says he will blow a bh-d all to pieces at twenty yards, and I said I
wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder."

" Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron : " and I know no better
short. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is gabidal."
"No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport for the pigeon;'
and this joke set them all a laughing ready to die. I didn't know then what a
good joke it icas^ neither ; but I gave Master Baron that day a precious good
beating, and walked off with no less than fifteen shillings of his money.

As a sporting man, and a man of fasliion, I need not say that I took in the
" Flare-up," regularly ; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that celebrated publi-
cation (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for me, Philo-pestiticeamicus,
on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon ; and the other, signed Scru-tatos, on
the best means of cultivating the kidney species of that vegetable, made no small
noise at the time, and got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was
a constant reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and my early education
having been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is
the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's-head at the tender age of nine
years, before I was allowed to ventm-e on the human countenance), I say, being
thus curtailed and cut off in my classical learning, I must confess I managed to
pick up a pretty smattering of genteel information from that treasury of all sorts
of knowledge, at least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the
noblemen and gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the
" Flare-up" notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the
notices, as foUoAvs : —

" ' Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker, of Co vent Garden
Theatre ; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a married man.

" ' Ducks and Green-peas' is infonned, that when A plays his rook to B's
second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn,
gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen should
not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined.

" ' F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame
Vestris : her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of Charles
Mathews, the celebrated comedian.

" ' Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and dearth player in England, is Coxe
Tuggeridge Coxo, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville : Jonathan, who
knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a hundred : and at the
cardSj no man is his superior. Verbum sap.

1840.] THE FINESHING TOUCH. Z2^

•' ' Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead."

I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how the
Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information ; and both agreed
that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his play, would be vastly
annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We read him the paragraph,
and preciously angry he was. " Id is," he cried, "the tables (or ' de dabels,' as
he called them), de horrid dabels ; gom viz me to Loudon, and dry a slate-table,
and I vill beat you." We all roared at this ; and the end of the dispute was,
that, just to satisfy the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables,
or any tables he chose.

"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant; his
dabels is goot ; ve vill blay dere, if you vill ;" and I said, I would : and it was
agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera, we should go
to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance. •

We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw ; lots of
champagne (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and fun.
Afterwards, down we went to billiards. " Is dish Mishter Coxsh, de shelebrated
player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one or two gentlemen
of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen, dirty, snuffy, and hairy,
as them foreigners are. " Is dish Mishter Coxsh ? blesh ma hart, it is a honer
to see you, I have heard so much of your play."

"Come, come," says I, "sir;" for I'm pretty wide awake; "none of your
gammon ; you're not going to hook me."

"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace,

"Dat is gut! haw! haw!" snorted the Baron: "hook him! lieber himmel,
j-ou might dry and hook me as well. Haw ! haw !"

Well, we went to play. " Fife to four on Coxe," screams out the Count. —
" Done and done," says another nobleman. " Ponays," says the Count. — ■
"Done," says the nobleman. " I vill take your six crowns to four," says the
Baron. — " Done," says I ; and, in the twinkling of an eye, I beat him ; — once
making thirteen off the balls without stopping.

We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long faces
of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote I 0 U's for the
Count. " Va toujours, mon cher," says he to me, " you have von for me tree
hundred pounds."

" I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. " Zeven to four you must
give me, though ;" and so I did : and in ten minutes that game was won, and the
Baron handed over his pounds. " Two hundred and sixty more, my dear, dear
Coxe," says the Count; "you are mon ange gardien!" "Wot a flat Mishter
Coxsh ish, not to back his luck," I heard Abednego whisper to one of the foreign
noblemen.

" I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. " Give me three,"
says he, " and done." I gave him three, and lost the game by one. " Dobbel,
or quits,"'says he. " Go it," says I, up to my mettle ; " Sam Coxe never says
no ;" — and to it Ave went. I went in, and scored eighteen to liis five. " Holy
Moshesh!" says Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonderl who'll take odds.-*"

" I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas."

" Ponays, yase, done," screams out the Count.

" Bonies, done," roars out the Baron: and before I could speak, went in, aod,
would you believe it? — in two minutes he somehow made the game I
45: * * * * *

Oh, what a figvtre I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards! — In
vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies; and
when I refused, they both said their honour was concerned, and they must have
my life, or tlnnr money. So when the Count showed me actually that, in spito
of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from me, he had been a very
heavy loser by tlie night ; and brought me the word of honour of Abednego, his
Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that ponies had been betted ; — AV^hy, I
paid one thousand pounds sterling of good and lawful money; — but I've not
played for money since : no, no ; catch mo at that again, if you can.

214

MAY.

[1840.

MEMBEKS OF THE LONDON PRESS.

A BENEFIT.
" Sick a Gettin up Stairs."
Sweet Gallei-y squeeze, you will possess
The utmost freedom of the press ;
Crowds, looking up, still pushing go,
With stares above, and stairs below ;
The soldier first, a foremost man,
Like Bow-street culprits — keeps the van.
Charges the door, whose keepers stem
A " bob'' vnW charge him in return ;
He's got his step^ so with light mind
Bears all the j)ressm-e from behind ;
Feels from the rear-mob, all alive,
A di-ive, though not a carriage drive :
And, lo ! among them, soot-grimed deep,
A sweep, though not a carriage siceep.
Baker and butcher, lass and lover ;
With one fat Falstaff falling over,
Sm-e — though he like it not — to go
And lump it when he gets below ;
A prize John Bull, who, bulky dunce,
Takes both alternatives at once,
And quickly reaches his first floor.
Dismounted at the Gallery Door !

4<. Exhibition of the Eoyal Academy

opens, at the National

Gallery.

408. Portrait of the President.

R.A.'s are raised to power : and, presto, bang !
" On inner walls the cry is still ' they hang;' "
While many a heavy sigh the ai-tists fetch,
" To have them hang our pictures is no kctchf
For half their sins did justice prompt the elves
Half the E.A. ai-ray would hang themselves !

409. Eed Deer, after La^sDseer.

WEATHEK.

while forced

his dwindling

victims

to confess,

A Carriage Sweep.

" small by

degrees, and

beautifully

less."

A She.

1840.] 225

MAY. — A New Drop Scene at the Opera.

No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera : so my Jemmy, whc
knew as much about music, — bless her ! — as I do about Sanscrit, algebra, or
any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It was what
they called a double box ; it really could hold two, that is, veiy comfortably ;
and we got it a great bargain — for five hundred a year! Here, Tuesdays and
Saturdays we used regularly to take our places. Jemmy and Jemimarann
sitting in front; me, behind: but as my dear wife used to wear a large fantail
gauze hat, with ostrich feathers, birds of paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of
muslin or satin, scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of tho
front of the box ; and it was only by jumping and dodging, thi-ee or four times
in the com-se of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors. By
kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve, I did
contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior Lablash's boots, in the
Puritanny, and once saw Madame Greasi's crown and head-dress in Anuybalony.

What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what cnjojTnents us aristocracy
used to have! Just as you have swallowed down y(aa- three com-ses (three
cm'ses I used to call them ; for so, indeed, they are, causing a deal of heartburns,
headaches, doctor's bUls, pills, want of sleep, and such like) — just, I say, as you
get down your three courses, which I defy any man to enjoy properly, unless
he has two -hours of dinnk and qiiiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in
bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a duchess, and scented like our shop. "Come,
my dear," says she, " it's Normy to-night (or Annybalony, or th*e Nosey di
Figaro, or the Gazzylarder, as the case may be) ; Mr. Coster strikes off punc-
tually at eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very
fii-st bar of the aperture ;" and so off we budge, to be miserable for five hours,
and to have a headache for tho next twelve, and all because it's the fashion !

After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am given to
understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in Italian, I
can't conceive ; or why they should do nothing bttt sing : bless us, how I used
to long for the wooden magpie in the Gazzylarder, to fly up to the top of the
church-steeple, and see the chaps with the pitchforks to come in and carry off
that wicked Don June. Not that I don't admii'e Lablash, and Eubiui, and his
brother, Tomrubini, him who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and a,cts tho
Corporal in the first piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a
little too much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes.

The opera is bad enough ; but what is that to the bally ? You should have
seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and when Madam-
sails Fanny and Thex-esa Hustler came forward, along with a gentleman, to
dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl blushed, when
Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only five of her toes,
and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging to them, almost to her
shoulder, twirled roimd, and round, and round, like a teetotum, for a couple of
minutes or more ; and as she settled dnwn, at last, on both feet, in a natural
decent posture, you should have heard how the house roared with applause,
the boxes clappLag with all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs ; the
pit shouting, " Bravo !" Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at
such an exhibition, threw bimches of flowers at her; and what do you think she
did ? why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had hap-
pened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press them to her
heart, and began whu'ling round again, faster than ever ! — Talk about coolness,
/ never saw such in all my born days.

"Nasty thing!" says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; "if women ioill act so,
it serves them right to be treated so."

" 0, yes ! she acts beautifully," says our friend, his Excellency, who, along with
Baron von Punter, and Tagi-ag, used veiy seldom to miss coming to our box.

" She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't di-ess so ; and I am
very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and that
the people waved to her to get off."

2 26 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1840.

Here his Excellency, and the Baron, and Tag, set up a roar of laughter. "My
dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, " those are the most famous dancers in the world ;
and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies, and roses, at them, in token of our
immense achuiration !"

" Well, I never!" said my wife ; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the cur-
tain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done, the next begun ;
but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and boimding in, like an
Indian-rubber ball, fiiugiug itself up at least six feet from the stage, and thero
shaking about its legs like mad, we were more astonished than ever !

'• That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen.

" Anna Avho .'" says my wife, and she might well be mistaken ; for this per-
soQ had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and amis, great black ringlets, and a
little calico frock, which came down to the knees.

" Anatole ; you would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as active
as a man of twenty."

" He!" shrieked out my wife ; " what, is that there a man ? For shame ! Mun-
seer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along ; and I'll thank you,
my dear, to call our people and let us go home."

You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a
horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever groAV accustomed to it ; but she
liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and so would stop till
the end of everything ; and, law bless you ! in three weeks from that time she
could look at the ballet as she would at a dancing- dog in the streets, and would
bring her double-barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had
been a born duchess. As for me, I did at Eome as Eome does, and precious
fun it used to be, sometimes.

My friend the Baron insisted, one night, on my going behind the scenes ,
wliere, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ontray. Behind
then I went ; and such a place you never saw nor heard of ! Fancy lots of
young and old gents, of the fashion, crowding round and staring at the actresses
practising their steps. Fancy yellow, snuffy foreigners, chattering always,
and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy scores of Jews, with hooked noses,
and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains, sham diamonds, and gold waist-
coats. Fancy old men, dressed in old night-gowns, with knock-knees, and dirty
flesh-coloured cotton stockings, and dabs of brickdust on their wrinkled old
chops, and tow "wigs (such wigs !) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in
their hands, mayhap, or else shepherd's crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers,
made of red and green baize ! Fancy troops of girls, giggling, chattering, pushing
to and fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard Cupids,
dragons, and such like ; such diii, darkness, crowd, confusion, and gabble of all
conceivable languages was never known !

If you could but have seen Mimseer Anatole ! Instead of looking twenty, he
looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving it a
touch with the tongs ; Muuseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy was standing
by, with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner of Charles-street.

I met with a little accident, during the three-quarters of an hour which they
allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage, before the curtain
draws up for the ballj-, while the ladies in the boxes are gaping, and the people
in the pit are drumming with their feet and canes in the rudest manner possible,
as though they couldn't wait.

Just at the moment before the little bell rings, and the curtain flies up, and we
scuffle off to the sides (for wo always stay till the very last moment), I was in
the middle of the stage, making mysolf very affable to the fair figgerantys
which was spinning and twirling about me, and asking them if they wasn't cold,
and sucli like politeness, in the most condescending way possible, when a bolt
was suddenly withdrawn, and down I popped, thi-ough a trap in the stage, into
the place below. Luckily, I Avas stopped by a piece of machinery, consistirg of a
heap of green blankets, and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea.
If 1 had not fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the consequence of
the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of my paying
* the least attention to the fair sex.

1840.]

JUNE.

GAME IN SEASON.

2. Epsom liaces. — " Surrey for the Field."
ROULETTE AT EPSOM.— Tent Scene.

I'm very ill; my circulation halts
r the blood ; I wear the yellowest of faces :

Soh ! shall I take a dose of Epsom salts,
Or forego Epsom salts for Epsom races ?

I chose the trip before the physic-sipping.

And very prettily I paid for tripping!

" Start fair," I cried,— I'd often started fowl
Out of the Moors,— but then I did start fair :

The Course of course I reach'd, and cheek by jowl
Was standing with my betters, gazing there

At a horse winning at his jockey's beck,

As felons win the gallows— 6y a neck !

•• Tak tent !" the Scotchman says, that's " look about,
But, " take care of the tent," he should have said :

1 went within, and wish I'd gone without
A stake, or had a good rump-steak instead ;

But I had cash, and having made a set
At them, and they at me, slap at Roulette.

And if 'twas natural to have gone witliin,

I soon discovered it was very flat :
A sovereign good for me it would have been

If I had had no sovereigns, — verbum sat !
I lost ! — and took no note when all was done.
Except a note of how much they had won !

I cannot say they were a dirty set.

Because they clean' d me so completely out;

A bout like this of Epsom Downs' roulette
Teaches a mortal what he is about.

Cheating is physic. — While the game's alive

It empties pockets if it doesn't thrive!

Death of Desdemona.

h game.

5. ISonifaCC, (first Alderman of Port-sokcu ?)
12. Mr, Wakley declared, that Gin was liis best friend-

it was

equal to 1000 inquests a year.

A Palace reared ! and lo ! in quest of gin.
Thousands, sans scruple, pass for drams within;
Water they'd spurn, e'en from Geneva's lake,
CUn ever — not Geneva's — they will take :
In quest of that, when they no more can run,
Wakley his inquest holds, and all is done !

CorJial reception,

Caught in his own yln.

228 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1840.

JUNE.— Strikixg a Balance.

Next door to us, in Portland-place, lived the Eight Honourable the Earl o*
Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, county Kildare, and his mother, the Dowager
Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter. Lady Juliana Matilda Mac Turk, of
the exact age of our dear Jemimarann ; and a son. The Honourable Arthur
Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow Mac Turk, only ten months older than
our boy. Tug.

My dai'ling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as became her station, made
every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of
Kilblazes, which lier ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter of the
Minister, and the Prince of Waies's great friend, the Earl of Portansherrj-)
thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing so angry with her,
and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship down. The Kilblazes'
estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property, by two thousand a-year, at
least ; and so my wife, when our neighbours kept only two footmen, was quite
authorized in ha^^ng three ; and she made it a point, as soon as ever the Kil-
blazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have her own carriage-and-four.

Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera ; only twice as big. Whatever
masters Avent to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann ; and what do you
think Jemmy did ? she got her celebrated governess. Madam de Flicflac, away
from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was quite a treasure, they
said, to have Madame Flicflac ; she had been (to support her father, the Count,
when he emigrated) a French dancer at the Italian Opera. French dancing, and
Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style : it is astonishing how
quick and well she used to speak — the French especially.

Master Arthur Mac Turk was at the famous school of the Eeverend Clement
Coddler, along with a hundi-ed and ten other young fashionables, from the age
of three to fifteen ; and to this estabhshment Jemmy sent our Tug, adding forty
guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the boarders. I think
I found oiit the dear soul's reason, for, one day, speaking about the school to a
mutual acquaintance of ours and the Kilblazes, she whispered to him, that " she
never would have thought of sending her darling boy at the rate which her
next-door neighbour paid ; ^/^e^r lad, she was siu'e, must be starved : however,
poor people ! they did the best they could on their income."

Coddler' s, in fact, was the tip-top school near London ; he had been tutor
to the Duke of Buclaniuster, who had set him up in the school, and, as I tell
you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You read in the
bill (the snopsis, I think Coddler called it), after the account of the charges for
board, masters, extras, &c. : " Eveiy young nobleman (or gentleman) is ex-
pected to bring a knife and fork, spoon, and goblet, of silver (to prevent break-
age), which will not be returned ; a dressing-gown and slippers ; toilet-box,
pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c. The pupil must, on NO account, be allowed
to have more than ten guineas of pocket-money, unless his parents parti-
cularly desire it, or he be above fifteen years of age. Wine will be an
exti-a charge ; as are wann, vapour, and douche baths ; carriage exercise
will be provided at the rate of fifteen guineas per quarter. It is earnestly
requested that no young nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In
a place devoted to the cultivation of polite literature^ such an ignoble enjoy-
ment were profane, " Clement Coddler, M.A.,

" Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the

"Mount Parnassus, Eichmond, Surrey." Duke of Buckmhister.

To this establishment our Tug was sent. "Eecollect, my dear," said hia
mamma, " that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to beat
all the boys in the school, especially that Wellington Mac Turk, who though
he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of Tuggeridgeville."

Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and cmd as well as any
young chap of his age ; he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and could
shave, too, very pret'tily ; but that was in the old time, when we were not
gi'cat people : when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn Latin and
Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for on going to school.

However we had no fear; for the Eeverend Mi% Coddler used to send monthly

1840.]

STRIKING A BALANCE. 229

accounts of his pupils' progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of the world, I
don't know who was. It was

General behavioiu' ... excellent I French tr^s bien.

English very good | Latin optimd.

and so on ; he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month for
money. My dear Jemmy and I detennined to go and see him, after he had been
at school a quarter ; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler, one of tlie
meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bed-rooms and eatiug
rooms (the di'omitaries and refractories he called them), which were all as com-
fortable as comfortable might be. " It is a hohday to-day," said Mr. Coddler ;
and a holiday it seemed to be. In the dining-room were half a dozen young
gentlemen playing at cards (''all tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler) ; — in
the bed-rooms there was only one gent ; he was lying on his bed, reading
a novel and smoking cigars. "Extraordinary genius!" whispered Coddler;
" Honourable Tom Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord B jTon's ; smokes all day ; and
has written the sweetest poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you
know, genius must have its way." "Well, upo7i my word," says Jemmy, " if
that's genus, I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a
dull fellow."

"Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler "Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe couldn't
be stupid if he tried "

Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of Ally-
compane. We were introduced instantly, " Lord Claude LoUypop, Mr. and Mrs.
Coxe :" the little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very low, and so did
Mr. Coddler, who, as he saw my lord making for the play-groimd, begged him
to show us the way. — " Come along," says my lord ; and as he walked before
us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the beautiful holes in his jacket and
elsewhere.

About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a
pastrycook's shop, at the end of the green. " That's the grub-shop," said my
lord, " where we young gentlemen wot has money biiys our wittles, and them
young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick."

Then he passed a poor red-haired usher, sitting on a bench alone. " That's
Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my lord, " we keep him, for he's very
useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a fight, or
a game at cricket. — Well, Hicks, how's yom' mother? what's the row now?''
"I believe, my lord," said the usher, very meekly, "there is a pugilistic
encounter somewhere on the premises — the Honourable Mr. Mac ''

" 0 ! come along," said Lord Lollypop, " come along, this way, ma'am ! Go it,
ye cripples !'' and my lord puUed my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest and
most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to be so taken
notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running across the gi-een. " Who
it it, Petitoes?'' screams my lord. "Turk and the barber," pipes Petitoes,
and runs to the pastrycook's like mad. " Tm'k and the ba — ," laughs out my
lord, looking at us : " hurrah t this way, ma'am ,-" and, turning round a corner
he opened a door into a court-yard, where a number of boys were collected
and a great noise of shrill voices might be heard. " Go it, Turk !" says one
"Go it, barber!" says another. '■'•Punch hith life out," roars anotherj whose
voice was just cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him !

Fancy our horror, when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling
away at the Honoiu-able Master Mac Tui'k! My dear Jemmy, who don't
understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand
tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the amis of his seconds, while,
with the other, she clawed hold of Master Mac Turk's red hair, and, as soon as
she got her second hand free, banged it about his face and ears like a good one.

" You nasty — wicked — quarrelsome — aristocratic (each word was a bang) —
aristocratic, oh! oh! oh!" Here the words stopped; for, what with the agita-
tion, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the shins which, I am ashamed
to say. Master Mac Turk administered, my dear Jemmy could bear it no longer,
and sunk, fainting away, in my arms,

230

JULY.

1840.

THE MAKCH TO FINCHLEY.

Once out of town went big John Brown,

A Sund.iy man so gay ;
He went with liis life, find he went witli his wif.

And he went with his kids in a shay !

The shay was like a lottery prize —

Exceedingly hard to draio ;
And John Brown looked with both his eyes

As hlanh as ever you saw.

Oh ! very hot the summer's sun

Shone over Somers town ;
By sweat — not slander — John was soon

Exceedingly run down !

With piping heat he plied his drag,

While sinews paid the piper ;
At Highgate Hill his handkerchief

Was turned into a " viper."

He gave his family " a long

And strong pull altogether;"
But they in spite of sunshine soon

Gave signs oi squally weather,

John's wife survey'd her lord and shay

With most maternal mind ;
She'd never such a load before,

And so she push'd behind!

So on they trudged : no half-way house

Afforded them a sup.
But about half-way up the hill

John found it was "aW w^.''

With agony he used his sleeve,

And gasping, cried, "I'm blow'd!"

" AVhat then befel the Browns ?" 1 b'lieve
TheyWe still upon the road!

23. Newspaper born, 1588.— Editor I.

The first of architects, who, ere he died,
Eear'd columns more than all the world beside.

30. WiUiarn Penn died, 1718.

Although we are not of ouv pencil vain,
Of Pennsylvania's father among men

We draw the tomb on stone ; that once again
The Pencil may do honour to the Pen !

See Swithlii spont

Wiper— snake pafte n
While wet sustains

Iligligaie.
Rains and drains.

¥nvL

:840.]

231

JULY. — Down at Beulaii.

Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us, j'et
Tug and the Honovu-able Master Mac Turk kept up their acquaintance over the
back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting, making friends,
and playing tricks from morning to night, during the holidays. Indeed, it was
from young Mac that we first heard of Madame de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy
robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have related. When our friend, the Barou,
first saw Madame, a very tender greeting passed betAveen them, for thej' had,
as it appeared, been old friends abroad. "Sapristie," said the Baron, in his
lingo, ''que fais tu ici, Am^naide .'" " Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says shu
'est ce qu'on t'a mis h la retraite ? II parait, que tu n'est plus Gdndral chez
Franco — " " Chut .'" saj'S the Baron, putting his finger to his lips.

" What are they saying, my dear .'"' says my wife to Jemimarann, who had
a pretty knowledge of the language by this time.

" I don't know what '■Sipristie' means, mamma ; but the Baron asked Madame
what she was doing here ? and Madame said, ' And you, Chicot, you are no
more a general at Franco,' Have I not translated rightly, Madame ?"

" Oui, mon chou, mon auge ; yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. Figure
yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years."

" Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron ; " Baron Chicot de Punter
is my name." " And, being a general at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I sup-
pose, being a French General.'"

" Yes, I vas," said he, " General Baron de Punter, n'est il pas, Amdna'ide ?"

" O, yes !" said Madame Flicflac, and laughed ; and I and Jemmy laughed
out of politeness : and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall hear.

About this time my Jemmy became one of the Ladies-Patronesses of that
admu-able Institution, " The Washerwoman's Orphans' Home ;" Lady de Sudley
was the great projector of it ; and the manager and chaplain, the excellent and
Keverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that of Doctor Leitch,
the physician (both cousins of her Ladyship's), drew away five hundred pounds
from the six subscribed to the Charity : and Lady de Sudley t bought a fete at
Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the foreign Princes who were in town last
year, might bring a little more money into its treasury. A tender appeal was
accordingly draAvn up, and published in all the papers :
"APPEAL.

" BRITISH -washerwoman's ORPHANS' HOME.

"The 'Washerwoman's Orphans' Home' has now been established seven
years ; and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated, In-
calculable. Ninety-eight orphan children of Avasherwomen have been lodged
within its walls. One hundred and two British washerwomen have been
relieved Avhen in the last state of decay. One hundreb and ninety-eight
THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been Avashed, mended, buttoned,
ironed, and mangled, in the Establishment. And, by an arrangement with tlie
governors of the Foundling, it is hoped that THE Baby -linen or that Hospital
Avill be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home !

" With s uch prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable to think, that
the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to reject the applications of
no less than three thousand eight hundred and one British Washer-
A^'OMEN, from lack of means for their support ? Ladies of England ! Mothers
of England! to you Ave appeal. Is there one of you that will not respond to
the cry in behalf of tliese deserving members of our sex?

'• It lias been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fete at Beulah
Spa, on Thursday, July 25 ; Avhich Avill be graced with the first foreign and
native TALENT, by the first foreign and native RANK; and where they beg for
the attendance of every washeravoman's friend."

Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollemschwigmaringen, the Duko
of Sacks Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency Lootf-
AUee-Koolee-Bismillah-Moham ed-Eusheed-Allah, the Persian Ambassador,
Prince Futtee-JaAv, Envoj'' from the King of Oude, His Excellency Don Alonzo
I i Cacliachero-y-Faadango-y-CaRtanete, the Spanish Ambassador, Count

232 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O

EavioTi, frcm Milan, the Envoy of the Kepublic of Topinambo, and a host of
other fashionables, promised to honour the festival : and their names made a
famous show in the bills.

I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British Washerwoman's
Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was erected, in which the
Ladies-Patronesses were to meet ; it was hung round with specimens of the
skill of the washerwomen's oi-phans, ninety-six of whom were to be feasted iu
the gardens, and waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses.

There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the Ladies-Patronesses
were admitted ; after which, my ladies and their beaux went strolling through
the walks ; Tagrag and the Count having each an arm of Jemmy ; the Baron
giving an ann a-piece to Madame and Jemimarann. Whilst they were walking
whom should they light upon but poor Orlando Crump, my successor in the
perfumery and hair-cutting.

" Orlando !" says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out her
hand.

" Jemimar!" says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum.
" Sir r says Jemmy, as stately as a Duchess.

" Wbat ! madame," says poor Crump, " don't you remember your shopboy .^"
" Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando ?" whimpers Jemimarann.
"Miss Tuggei'idge Coxe," says Jemmy, "I'm surprised of you. Remember,
sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more familiarity."
" Insolent fellow !" says the Baron ; "vat is dis canaille ?"
" Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite fuiious ; he broke
away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann, as soon
as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill ; and her mamma, therefore, took
her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame Flicflac and the Baron ;
going off herself with the other gentlemen, in order to join us.

It appears they had not been seated very long when Madame Elicflac sud-
denly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a friend
whom she saw pass.

The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the cham-
pagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I don't know ;
but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute when the Baron di'opped on
his knees, and made her a regular declaration.

Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by my
side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian Minne-
singers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy:
Ich bui ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee,
Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee.
Chorus. — Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp ! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o.
They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, and had
]ust come to the 0-0-0, at the end of the chorus of the forty-seventh stanza,
when Orlando started: "That's a scream!" says he. "Indeed it is," says I;
" and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very ugly scream too :" when I heard
another shrill " 0 !" as I thought ; and Orlando bolted off, crjang, " By heavens,
it's her voice !" " Whoso voice ?" says I. " Come and see the row," says Tag ;
and off we went, with a considerable number of people, who saw this strango
move on his part. We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimar-
Sinn fainting ; her mamma holding a smelling-bottle ; the Baron, on the ground,
holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose ; and Orlando squaring at him, and
calling on him to fight if he dared.

My Jemmy looked at Crump vei'y fierce. " Take that feller away," says she,
"ho has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the least."

Poor Orlando was carried off. "I've no patience with the little minx," says
Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. "She might be a Baron's lady; and she
screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand."

" Ok, mamma ! mamma !" sobs poor Jemimarann, " but he was t-t-tipsy."
"T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a
nobleman who does not know what he is doing."

1840.]

AUGUST.

233

KETURNING BY WATER

The rain of terror's come — the horse to go
At a smart pace has made himself to smart ;

'Tis had enough to hear the shafts of woe,
But who would bear the shafts of such a cart !

What a nice party — twelve inside — to drag,

Each fat and full, and heavy as a dunce,
And all, besides the man wot drives the nag,

Holding the rains together — all at once !

The horse is urged — most tired and half dead ;

"Come up," they cry — when shall we get to town?
Fierce ^owrs the shower — their pores are stopped instead,

The more they cry come up — the rain comes down !

Now, you may see, by every sorry face.
The water party wails its wretched doom.

And in that cart — that wends with lingering pace,
Altho' there's little room, there's lots of rheum !

17. Metropolitan Police Bill passed.

The bill has pass'd, the sharpest bill of latter days,
Gin shops must close by twelve o'clock 0' Saturdays ;
And lively landlords now, whate'er their merits.
After that time must not keep up their spirits.
Nor suffer the most fascinating fox
Of all their customers to turn their codes !

29. Eglintoun Tournament.

Oh ! that Ayr tournament in that ere shire ;

With lots of gentlemen in male attire,

And many a Don, and many a Skvire !

Took several clays and lots of knights to mount ;

And a great iw^nj pages to recount

Its deeds of glory — Chivalry their fount !

Though lances shivered (and no wonder, for

'Twas cold and rainy) no sword flesh' d its hilt;
And we'd pass all unnoticed : but, 0 lor !

We draw our own existence from a Tilt !

Clock before the Suu .

Too soou for dinner.

Between

Montli and

Monarch

this difference

is just ;

$ ^ h "V

the Month it is

Augwy-,i,
the Monarch

A.Viqust.

Kunning a-muck.

231-

THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O.

AUGUST.— A Tournament.

"I SAY, Tug," said Mac Turk, ouo day, soon after our flare-up at Beulah,
" Kilblazos conies of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I told you :
tli'^ old bavboress will die of spite when she hears what we are going to do.
Wliat do you think ? we're going to have a tournament !" " What's a tourna-
nient ?" says Tug, and so said his mamma, when she heard the news ; and when
she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she loas as angry as Mac
Turk said she would be, and gave us no peace fur days together. " What!"
says she, " dress up in armour, like play-actors, and run at each other with
spears ? the Kilblazes must be mad !" And so I thought, but I didn't think the
Tuggeridges Avould be mad too, as they were ; for, when Jemmy heard that tlie
Kilblazes festival was to be, as yet, a profound secret, what does she do but
Bend down to the Morning Post a flaming account of

" THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVILLE !

" The days of chivalry are 7iot past. The fair Castellane of T-gg-r-dgeville,
whose splendid entertainments have so often been alluded to in this paper, has
determined to give one which shall exceed in splendour even the magnificence
of the middle ages. We are not at liberty to say more ; but a tournament, at
which His Ex— 1— ncy B-r-n de P-nt-r, and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of
Sir Th— s T-gx'-g, are to be the knights-defendants against all coiners ; a Queen
of Beauty^ of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power;
a banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter ; and a ball, in which the recol-
lections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert
and Collinet, are among the entertainments which theLadye of T-gg -ridge ville
has prepared for her distinguished guests."

And now — 0 that I had twenty pages, instead of these miserable two, to
describe the wonders of the day ! — Twenty-four knights came from Ashley's,
at two guineas a-head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolcombe, in the
character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a tent for the
challengers, at each side of which hung what they called escoachwgs (like
hatchments, which they put up when people die), and underneath sat their pages,
holding their helmets for the tournament. Tagi'ag was in brass armour (my
city connexions got him that famous suit); his Excellency in polished steel.
My "vvife wore a coronet, modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in
Henri/ V.; a tight gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully,
and a train of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided
with pearls. Madame de Fiicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth ; and Lady
Blanche- Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London, and his
lady ; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon ; several
Polish noblemen ; two Italian Counts (besides our Count); one hundred and ten
young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full uniform, commanded bj'- Major-
(leneral Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's
Finishing Establishment, and fourteen young ladies, all in white ; the Reverend
Poctor Wapshot, and forty-nine young gentlemen, of the first families, under
his charge ; were some only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my
Jemmy did seek for fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They
wanted me to have mounted again, but my hunting day had been sufficient ;
besides, I ain't big enough for a real knight : so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my
opening the Tournament — and I knew it was in vaiu to resist — the Baron and
Tagrag had imdertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety, if 1
came off at all. They had procured, from the Strand Theatre, a famous stud of
hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of the great Lord
Bateman. I did not know exactly what they were till they arrived ; but as they
had belonged to a Lord, I thought it was all right, and consented ; and I found
it the best sort of riding, after all, to appear to be on horseback and walk safely
a-foot at the same time, and it was impossible to come down as long as I kept
on my own legs ; besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I
liked, without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lox-d of the Tourna-
ment, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in blueaudgold. I

i84o.]

A TOURNAMENT. 235

thought of the pole over my old shop-door, and almost wished myself there again,
as I capered up to the battle in my helmet and breastplate, with all the trum-
pets blowing and drums beating at the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent,
and preciously we poked each other, till prancing about, I put my foot on my
horse's petticoat behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at
the same time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. "This was sufficient,"
they said, "for the laws of chivalry j" and I was glad to get off so.

After that, the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven, in
complete annour, and the professionals, now ran at the ring ; and the Baron
was far, far the most skilful.

"How sweetly the dear Baron rides," said my wife, who was always ogling
at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. " I say,
Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course, they came
cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called it ; — " I say, Sam,
I'm blowed if that chap in harmer musn't have been one of hus." And this
only made Jemmy the more pleased ; for the fact is, the Baron had chosen the
best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother.

The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring ; and Jemmy awarded him
the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance ; he receiving
it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet mingled with the
mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of the lists, and then, gal-
loping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated, he begged her to place
it on his helmet : the poor girl blushed very much, and did so. As all the
people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, and, laying his hand on the Baron's
shoulder, whispered something in his ear, which made the other very angry, I
suppose, for he shook him off violently. '■'■Chacun pour soi.,'^ says he, ^'•Mon-
sieur de Tagueragae-" which means, I am told, "every man for Mmself."

After this came the "Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron run courses
against the other champions ; ay, and unhorsed two a-piece ; whereupon the
other three refused to turn out ; and preciously we laughed at them, to be sure !

"Now, it's our turn, Mr. Chicot" says Tagrag:, shaking his fist al the Baron:
" look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, foi', by Jupiter ! I'll do my best ;"
and before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite bewildered, could say a
word, these two friends were charging away, spears in hasid, ready to kill each
other. In vain Jemmy screamed ; in vain I threw down my truncheon : they
had broken two poles before I could say "Jack Eobinson," and were di'iving at
each other with the two ncAV ones. The Baron had the worst of the first
course, for he had almost been carried out of his saddle. " Hark you, Chicot !"
screamed out Tagrag, "next time look to your head;" and, next time, sure
enough, each aimed at the head of the other.

Tagrag's spear hit the right place ; for it carried off the Baron's helmet,
plume, rose-wreath and all ; but his Excellency hit truer still — his lance took
Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground like a stone.

"He's won! he's won!" says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann
fainted. Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I should drop.
All the company were in an uproar ; only the Baron looked calm, and bowed
very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy ; when, all of a sudden, a
Jewish-looking man, springing over the barrier, and followed by three more,
rushed towards the IBaron. "Keep the gate. Bob !" he holloas out. "Baron,
I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for "

But he never said for what; shouting out, "Aha !" and " Sappi-rrristie T and
I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into his
horse, and was over tlae poor bailiff and off before another word : he had
threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr. Stubbs, onlj' thnf
gentleman made way for him ; and when we took up the bailiff, and broiigU
him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water, he told us all. " I had
writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't vant to shpoil shport ; and, be.
Bhidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off his shteel cap !"

Hei-e was a pretty business I

236 SEPTEMBER. [1840.

OUT-EIDEES TO THE QUEEN.

I'll have an excursion, a bit of desertion, September diversion, and wiiere
shall I go ? If pleasure you mean, sir, at Windsor's the Queen, sir, I'd have
you go in, sir, and see all the show. — At once, gay of heart, then for Windsor
I start, and at Paddington see me in train to depart ; and as steam's all the
go, as you very well know, if we go sloio to Windsor, we'll go quick to Slough.
— The engine's a great 'un (at desperate rate on, 'twill speed us nor heed us,
while we laugh and scoff), all happy go merry, like gunpowder, worry, as
soon as it^s fired the train will go off!— How rapid our pace is ! I swear all
the places, like horses at races, do seem to fly by ! Oh ! how precious quick
now, and see if you're sick now, there's baling to cure you, so physic's my
eye ! See old Mr. Zitters, who dotes upon bitters, and, in the West Indies,
put wormioood in shrubs : behold him alight now, to get appetite now (still
bitters for ever!) at famed Wormioood Scrubs. — Here's Han well, where
Smilem now weeps in th' Asylum ; through moonshine and credit his trade
cut its stick ; woe followed his laughter, his wits they went after ; a lunatic
victim to Luna and tich ! — Well now we're at Slough, and no farther need
go, our raillery's over, the train has cried ^^wo P — But the " bus," out and
in, stows away thick and thin ; dirt and clean, fat and lean,. there for Windsor
they pack ; the sorry nags speed, very sorry indeed, with a whip at the flank
and a load at the back. — Now all in a bustle, we rush to the Castle, and here
comes the Queen ever smiling and gay, Hurrah ! and God save her ! she
could not look braver ; but those jockies in livery, pray who are they ? —
Oh ! keep back your sneers, and hold in your jeers, they're her Majesty's
ministers, princes, and peers. With their dingy blue jackets, and collars of
red, their old Windsor uniforms, looking so dead ; they might well pass for
" Uniform Postmen'^ instead ! — Now farewell and adieu to the Queen's re-
tinue : for onward we strode, in the Eoyal abode, where fine ancient paint-
ings, paraded to view, are shown by an ignorant thick-headed dunce, whose
brogue murders Masters and English at once. — " Look, here is, an' plase ye,
Paid-very-unaisy, and bad luck if there an't a rale Be-
memlrant ;" so if Dan did but follow the old fellow's tail,
he'd be quite pleased to hear him call Kaphael " Bapale .'"
— But it's going to rain, and although, to a man, we would
have the Queen's reign be as long as it can ; yet as soak-
ing's " no go," we must rush back to Slough, where pant-
. ing and gasping for breath we are dinn'd, sir — with

Rer Majesty. " What is the matter? you're quite out of Wind-sir.'^

1840.] 23^

SEFTEMBEli. — Over-boarded and Under-lodoed

We had no great reason to brag of our toumyment at Tuggei'idgcville : br.t,
after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor Lord Hey-
downderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the Empsror Kapo-
leon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armour, and silk stockings, like Mr. Pell's
friend, in *' Pickwick;" we, having employed the gentlemen from Ashley's
Anti-theatre, had some decent sport for oi;r money.

We never heard a word from the Baron, Avho had so distinguished himself by
his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb, the bailiff,
and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hau-ds upon him. My sweet Jemmy
seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and a sad thing it is to see
'ler in low spirits : on days of illness she no more minds givijig Jemimarauu a
box on the ear, or sending a plate of muflSns across a table at poor me, than she
does taking her tea.

Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits ; but, one day (I remember it was the
day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at Boulogne),
she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good, and declared that
she should die unless she went to the sea-side in France. I kueAV Avhat this
meant, and that I might as Avell attempt to resist her, as to resist Her Gracious
JVIajesty in Parliament assembled ; so I told the people to pack up the things,
and took four places on board the " Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne.

The travelling carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my
cai-pet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before ; and
we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was the — but, poh !
never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other carriage, followed
by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants and fourteen band-boxes and
trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear girl in the journey.

The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described ; we saw
the Monument, a memento of the wicked popish massacre of Saint Bartholo-
mew ; — why erected here I can't think, as Saint Bartholomew's is in Smithfield ,
— we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House, where wo saw
the two-and-twenty shilling coal-smoke coming out of the chimneys, and were
landed at the Custom House in safety.

Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest civility ;
calhng Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honour ; ay, and your honom-ing and
my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab.

I somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away: "Here, my fine
fellow," says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful, holding his
hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other, "here, my fine chap." says
I, " here's six shillings for you ;" for I did not care for the money.

" Six what.^" says he.

" Six shillings, fellow!" shrieks Jemmy ; "and twice as much as your fare."

"Feller, marm!" stijs this insolent coachman; "feller yom-self, marm: do you
think I'm a-going to Idll my horses, and break my precious back, and bust my
carriage, and carry you, and yoiu-lrids, and your traps, for six hog.?" And with
this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it, and doubling his fist, put
it so very near my nose that I really thought he would have made it bleed. " My
fare's heighteen shillings," says he, "haint it.? — hask hauy of these gentlemen."

" Why, it ain't more than seventeen and six," says one of the fourteen por-
ters ; "but, if the gen'l'mau is a gen'l'man, he can't give no less than a suffering
any how."

I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk: but, "Holloa!" says
one ; " What's the row.?" says another ; " Come, dub up !" roars a third : and I
don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that I took out
the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had disappeared by this
time ; they always do when there's a robbery or a row going on.

I was going after them. " Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young gentleman of
about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles, and every
variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together: "Stop, Mr. Heff," says he,
taking a small pipe out of his mouth, "and don't forgit the cabman."

2^b THE COMIC ALMANACK. L184O,

" Wliat's your fare, my lad ?" says I.

" Why, let's see — yes — ho ! — my fare's seveu-and-thirty and eightpence
cgpfs — ackly."

The fourteen gentlemen, holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed very
rudely indeed ; and the only person who seemed disappointed was, I thought,
the hackney-coachman. " Whj', you rascal !" says Jemmy, laying hold of the
bo}', " do you Avaut more than the coachman ?"

'• Don't rascal me, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return. "What's the
coach to me ? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like ; vy
don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm ? Vy am I to
come forty mile, from Scai-lot Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my fare, marm ?"

This speech, which takes some time to write down, was made in about the
fifth part of a second ; and, at the end of it, the young gentleman hurled down
liis pipe, and, advancing towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to chal-
lenge her to fight. My dearest girl now tm-ned from red to be as pale as white
Windsor, and fell into my aiTQS ; what was I to do ? I called, "Policeman !" but
a policeman Avont interfere in Thames Street ; robbery is licensed there : what
was I to do .'' Oh ! my heart beats when I think of what my Tug did !

As soon as this young cab chap put himself into a fighting attitude, Master
Tuggeridge Coxe — who had been standing by, laughing very rudely, I thought —
Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, fiimg his jacket suddenly into his mamma's
face (the brass buttons made her start, and recovered her a little), and, before
we could say a word, was in the ring in which we stood (formed by the porters,
nine orangemen and women, I don't know how many newspaper boys, hotel
cads, and old clothesmen), and, whii'ling about two little white fists in the face
of the gentleman in the red waistcoat, who brought a 'great pair of black ones
up to bear on the enemy, was engaged in an instant.

But, law bless you! Tug hadn't been at Eichmond School for nothing; and
milled away — one, two, right and left — like a little hero as he is, with all his
dear mother's spirit in him : first came a crack which s'ent his white hat spinning
over the gentleman's cab, and scattered among the crowd a vast number of things
which the cabman kept in it, — such as a ball of string, a piece of candle, a
comb, a whip-lash, a little warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c.

The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no
time : another blow was planted on his cheek-bone ; and a thii'd, which hit him
straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the ground.

" Brayvo, my lord !" shouted all the people around.

" I won't have no more, thank yer,'' said the little cabman, gathering himselt
up ; " give us over my fai'e, vil yer, and let me git away ?"

'' What's your fare noio, you cowardly little thief ?'' says Tug.

" Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he, "go along, — you know it is:" and
two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and hissed the
cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink.

I now thought our troubles would soon be over ; mine were very nearly so
in one sense at least ; for after Mrs. Coxe, and Jemimaraun, and Tug, and the
maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came to my turn. I
had often heard of i:)3ople being taken up by a plank, but seldom of their being
set down by one. Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off a little, the
board slipped, and down I soused into the water. You might have heard Mrs.
Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend ; it rung in my ears as I went down, all
grieved at the thought of leaving her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came
again, and caught the brim of my beaver hat — though I have heard that
drowning men catch at straws: — I floated, and hoped to escape by hook or
by crook; and, luckily, just then I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waist-
band of my whites, and found myself hauled up in air at the end of a boat-
hook, to the sound of "yeho ! yehc ! yehoi ! yehoi !" and so I was dragged aboard.
I was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very con-
aid jnible qiiantHy of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my inside; iu
fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state.

:840.]

OCTOBER.

239

MEDICAL STUDENT8.

1. Medical Schools open.

DOCTORS' COMMONS.

TuKOW Physic to the dogs ! A pipe — cheroot —

Pilot — and life-preserver — voila tout!
A little lecture now and then to boot —

A school or hospital to bustle thro' —
A few hard terms — on easy terms — to keep,
Then brown stout — bagatelle — half-slew'd and sleep :

The Hall's not passed ! but very oft passed by ;

Hospital visits Students fain ward off;
"SYiih patients they're impatient — and the eye

Glances from book to beer — anon they scoff
At subjects — Somervile — and sick-inspection,
Cut up the section — and abjxire dissection !

A blessed School of Physic — half-and-half !

The Lushiugtou of each young Doctors' Commons ;
Medical Students — sons of gin and chaff —

Going to pot — for heavy — " reg'lar rum 'una" —
Porter or spii-its sitting down to swill,
And every smoking J'ack bless'd with his gill.

22. Lord Brougham reported dead.

" The Brougham or Meadow Brown Butterfly, is seen in
October, Jiies low, and tvanders about all parts of JEn gland avd
Scotland. Between its icings it carries a remarkable profile
of Lord Brougham. The Caterpillar is chequered in green
and black squares, resembling those on plaid trousers." —
Juvenile Natural History.

I'd be a butterfly, spreading my pmions.

All through the future, and far after fame ;
I'd (lie by chance to astound the press minions ;

I'd see when dead what they'd do with my name. ■
I'd have a carriage, and when it had spili'd me,

Wheel O, and Shafto, and Leader, and all,
If a hoax were got up to announce it had kill'd me.
Just when my death all the land would appal,
I'd be a butterfly !
I'd be a butterfly !
I'd come to life again safe after all :

This month, the'

not muggy,

Improves by the mug;

And people caught

ale-'mg,

Repair to brown jug.

240 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [[84O.

OCTOBER.— Notice to Quit.

Well, we arrived at Boulogne ; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right and
left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there ; and being
bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a lord, she determined

to set off tor Paris, where, as he had often said, he possessed a magnificent ,

hotel he called it ; and I remember Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea ;
but hotel, we found afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled
her. Need I describe the road from Boulogne to Paris .'* or, need I describe that
Capitol itself? Suffice it to say that we made our appearance there, at Murisse's
Hotel, as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge ; and saw everything worth
seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly kUled me, to be sure ; but, when
you're on a pleasure party in a foreign country you must not mind a little in-
convenience of this sort.

Well : there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of trees, which,
I don't know why, is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian Fields, in French : others,
I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but mine I know to be the correct pronun-
ciation. In the middle of this Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a
tent, where, dm'ing the summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with
his horses and things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite
the thing. Jemmy agreed that we should go too ; and go we did. It's just like
Ashley's : there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who goes round the ring in a
huzzah-dress, cracking a whip ; there are a dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear
like Polish Princesses, Dihannas, Sultannas, Cachuchas, and heaven knows what !
There's the fat man, who comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns
out to be the living skeleton ! There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse
that dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, just as iu our own dear country.

My dear wife, in hei very finest clothes, with all the world looking at her, was
really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any knowledge of the lan-
guage, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it), when there came in, presently,
" the great Polish act of the Sarmatian horse-tamer," on eight steeds, which we
were all of us longing to see. The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour,
rushed in on four of his horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the
ring. You couldn't see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and ap-
plauded hke mad. Presently you saw there were only three horses in front; he had
slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and it M'as clear that the con-
sequences would be fatal, if he admitted any more. The people applauded more
than ever ; and when, at last, seven and eight were made to go in, not wholly, but
sliding dexterously in and out, with the others, so that you did not know which
was which, the house, I thought, would come down with applause ; and the Sar-
matian horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the music
grew slower, and he cantered leisurely roimd the ring ; bending, smirking, see-
sawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart, just as we have seen
the Ashley's people do.

But fancy our astonishment, when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer,
coming round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our bos, gave
a start, and a — hupp ! which made all of his horses stop stock-still at an instant !

" Albert !" screamed my dear Jemmy : " Albert ! Bahbahbah — baron !"

The Sarmatian looked at her for a minute ; and turning head over heels three
times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight.

It was His Excellency the Baeon t)e Puntek !

Jemmy went off in a fit, as usual, and we never saw the Baron again ; but we
heard afterwards that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and had run away
to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr. Eichardson's army;
but Mr. Kichardson, and then London, did not agree with him; and we saw the
last of him as he sprung over the barriers at the TuggeridgeviUe tournament.

"Well, Jemimai-ann," says Jemmy, in a fury, "you shall marry Tagrag; and
if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a baronet's lady !"
Poor Jemimarann only sighed; she knew it was of no use to remonstrate.

lyMrro^

THE HEIGHT OF SPE CU LATION- Groundless Expectations.

1840.] NOTICE TO QUIT. 24 1

Paris grew dull to us after this ; and we were more eager than ever to go hack
to London ; for what should we hear, hut that that monster, Tuggeridge, of the
city — old Tug's black son, forsooth ! — was going to contest Jemmy's claim to the
property, and had filed I don't know how many bills against us in Chancery!
Hearing this, we set off immediately, and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off "in
that very same Grand Turk which had brought ns to France,

If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on Satur-
day morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night ; so that there is often not an hour
between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us ! bless us ! I pity the poor
Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on a paddle-box, roaring out,
" Ease her ! Stop her !" and the poor servants, who are laying out breakfast,
lunch, dinner, tea, supper; — breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper again; — for
layers upon layers of travellers, as it were ; and, most of all, I pity that unhappy
steward, with those unfortunate tin basins that he must always keep an eye over.
Little did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence, and little were
we prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridgeville property.
Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man of
business : when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off to Paris after
me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of going to Portland Place.
As we came through the lodge-gates we found a crowd assembled within them ;
and there was that horrid Tuggeridge on horseback, with a shabby-looking man,
called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man of business, and many more. " Mr. Scapgoat,"
says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing him over a sealed paper, " here's the
lease ; I leave you in possession, and wish you good morning."

" In possession of what ?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville, leaning
out of the carriage -window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she called him, like
poison : the very first week of our coming to Portland Place, when he caUed to
ask restitution of some plate which he said was his private property, she called him
a base-born blackamoor, and told him to quit the house. Since then there had
been law-squabbles between us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings,
and arbitrations.

" Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he, ''left me by my
father's wUl, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and know as well as
I do."

" Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; " he didn't die to leave his estates
to blackamoors — to negroes — to base-born mvdatto story-tellers ; if he did, may

I be "

" Oh hush ! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. " Go it again, mother !" says
Tug, who is always sniggering.

" What is this business, Mr, Tuggeridge ?" cried Tagrag (who was the only one
of our party that had his senses) ; " what is this will ?"

" Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. " For Heaven'a
sake, madam, be peaceable ; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick,
arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people are here. AU that
you have to do is to eject us ; and the rest will follow, of course."

" Who has taken possession of this here property ?" roars Jemmy, again.
" My friend, Mr, Scapgoat," said the lawyer, Mr. Scapgoat grinned.
" Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a woman of
no small spirit), "if you don't leave this ground, I'll have you pushed out with
pitchforks, I will, you and your beggarly blackamoor, yonder." And, suiting the
action to the word, she clapped a stable-fork into the hands of one of the gar-
deners, and called another, armed with a rake, to his help, while young Tug set
the dog at their heels, and I hurrahed for joy to see such villainy so properly
treated.

" That's sufficient, ain't it?" said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air in the
world. " Oh, completely," said the lawyer. " Mr. Tuggeridge, we've ten miles
to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant." And the whole posse of them
rode away,

242

NOVEMBER.

[i84d.

^^'<il^jm;

LONDON SMOKE.

Smoke rules the roast! November, foggy, drear;

Oh ! when from darkness will its days desist ?
Month of suspicion, that leaves all to clear,

For though nought's stolen, everything is mist !

It is a bully month, whose vapouring flies
Wherever man is found, or woman walks ;

An equal favourer of dis-guise and Cruys,
Assassin patron both of knives and FauJces!

Densely impervious is its dark-winged air,
Driver of soot from roofs and chimney stacks ,

London its fort — it is accounted there
The Great Emancipator of the blacks!

Smoke is its sister, and assister too ;

Protean creature, taking every form,—
Now gently rising from an Irish stew.

Now rushing from a steamer in a storm /

Smoke ; lo ! it curleth from the Meersham fine,
Say it dissolves — so is mere sham to boot —

Clearly as-cended from the female line,
At all events, it comes from a she root!

Now it runs up a pipe, with odorous charms,
Bringing effluvia from the flue : who dips

In heraldry, will see its coat of arms

Should bear the barber's motto of " Eclipse''

Smoke will have sway ; a very dingy yoke
It keeps us under, and 'tis time we broke it;

Alas! we can't, and e'en our very joke.

Header, we find is nothing till you smoke it.

Smoke and November, then, go hand in hand.
Till time dismiss them thro' his " chaos" gates ;

Time is a man of taste, he clears the land.
And just like smoke itself — he vapour hates!

5. William the Third landed.

Oranges come in.
All Orange lodges are by law forbad !

How so ! — When into Bartolph Lane one dodges,
And finds, in plain defiance, man and lad,

Christian and Jew, all keeping Orange lodges ?

U. Sfc. Mart'n. (Patron of Betty.)

First Day of Term.

The

field-sports*

rule reversed

by legal

wags,

He clips.

Bags do not

bear

the fox,

but foxes,

. bags.

Orange Lodge,

1840.] 24^

November.— Law-Life Assurance.

We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from
[Higgs, in London ; which begun, " Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of Port-
land Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said County, was attached to
answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and arms he entered
into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John Tuggeridge, Esg^., de-
mised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a tenn which is not yet expired, and
ejected him." And it went on to say, that " we, with force of arms, viz., with
swords, knives, and staves, had ejected him." Was there ever such a monstrous
falsehood ? when we did but stand in defence of our own ; and isn't it a sin, that
we should have been turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally
plea 1

Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for, would you
believe it ? they told us to give up possession at once, as a will was found, and wc
could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused their proposal with scorn, and
laughed at the notion of the will : she pronoimced it to be a forgery, a vile blacka-
moor forgery; and beheves to this day that the story of its having been raado
thirty years ago in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's papers, and found
there, and brought to England, after a search made by order of Tuggeridge,
junior, is a scandalous falsehood.

Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it ? What
shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice but that he ought to be ashamed of the wig
he sits in ? What of Mr. , and Mr. , who exerted their influence against

i'ustice and the poor ? On om' side, too, was no less a man than Mr. Seijeaut
iinks, who, ashamed I am, for the honour of the British bar, to say it, seemed
to have been bribed too ; for he actually threw up his case ! Had he behaved
like Mr. Mulligan, his junior — and to whom, in this humble way, I offer my
thanks — all might have been well. I never knew such an effect produced, as
when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for the first time in that coui't, said, " Standing
here, upon the pidestal of secred Thamis, seeing around me the arnymints of a
profission I rispict ; having before me a vinnerable Judge, and an elightened
Jury— the counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's priceless
palladium — how must I thrimble, my Lard, how must the blush bejew my chcjck
— (somebody cried out ' O cheeks !' In the court there was a dreadful roar of
laughing; and when order was established, Mr. Mulligan continued) — my Lard,
I heed them not ; I come from a couuthry accustomed to opprission, and as that
counthry — yes, my Lard, that Ireland (do not laugh, I am proud of it) — is ever,
in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful; my client's cause, like-
wise, will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility — I repeat, the malignant
IMBECILITT of those who would thrample it down ; and in whose teeth, in my
client's name, in my counthry's, aye, and my own, I, with folded arrums, hurl a
scarnful and eternal defiance !"

" For Heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan" — " Mulligan, me Laed," crieil m_7
defender — " Well, Mulligan, then ; be calm, and keep to your brief."

Mr. Midljgan did ; and, for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed
with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the situation
of me and my family ; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge, the elder,
gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my wife ; the state of
Ireland ; the original and virtuous poverty of the Coxes — from which he glanced
passionately, for a few minutes (until the Judge stopped him), to the poverty of
his ov\Ti country J my excellence as a husband, father, landlord; my wife's, as a
wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain — the trial went against us.

I was soon taken in execution for the damages ; five hundred pounds of law
expenses of my own, and as much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a
farthing, he said, to get me out of a much worse place than the Fleet.

I need not tell you that along with the land went the house in town and the
loney in the funds. Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all.

And when I was in prison who do vou think would come and sec me ? None

244 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1840.

of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used
to till our house, and eat and drink at our expense, — not even the ungrateful
Tagrag !

I could not help now saying to my dear wife, " See, my love, we have been
gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. In the first
place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody laughed at us."

" Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter.

"Then you must make a country gentleman of me."

" And send pa into dunghills," roared Tug.

" Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts."

" O, thank heaven ! deai-est papa, that we are rid of them," cries my little
Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy.

" And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug, and send him to a fine school."

"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as everhved."

" You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy ; " you've learned that at your fine
school."

" I've learned something else, too, ma'am ; ask the boys if I haven't," grumbles
Tug.

"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a swindler."

" And drive ofi" poor Orlando," whimpered my girl. " Silence, Miss," says
Jemmy, fiercely.

" You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me
into this prison, without hope of leaving it ; for he never can help us after all your
bad language." I said all this very smartly; for the fact is, my blood was up at
the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl soundly.

"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite broken),
" it's all true ; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've punished my dear hus-
band and children by my follies, and I do so, so repent them !" Here, Jemimarann
at once burst out crying, and flung herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair
roared and sobbed for ten minutes together-; even Tug looked queer: and as for
me, it's a most extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable
didn't make me quite happy. I don't think for the whole twelve months of our
good fortune I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the .Fleet where I
was locked up.

Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day ; and we, who had never taken
the slightest notice of him, in Portland Place, and treated him so cruelly that day,
at BeiSah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. He used to bring books
for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me ; and he used to take home Jemmy's
fronts, and dress them for her ; and when locking-up time came, he used to see
the ladies home to their httle three-pair bed-room, in Holbom, where they slept
now, Tug and all. " Can the bird forget its nest ?" Orlando used to say (he was
a romantic young fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute, and read Lord
Byron, incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann;; "Can the bird,
let loose in eastern climes, forget its home ? Can the rose cease to remember its
beloved bulbul? — Ah ! no. Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I hope
to die — a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered your shop, or
knew Naples from brown "Windsor. Did you not make over your 'house, your
furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving customers,
to me ? Are these trifles ? Is Jemimarann a trifle ? if she will allow me to call
her so. O, Jemimarann ! your pa found me in the workhouse, and made me
what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never, never shall be different !" When
he had said this, Orlando was so much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his
hat, and quitted the room.

TJien Jemimarann began to cry too. "O, pa!" said she, "isn't he, isn't he a
nice young man ?"

" I'm hanged if he ain't," says Tug. " What do you think of his giving mo
eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender water for Mimarann?"
" He might as well offer to give you back the shop, at any rate," says Jemmy.
" What ! to pay Tuggeridge's damages ? My dear, I'd sooner die than give
Tuggeridge the chance."

1840.]

DECEMBER.

245

FAT CATTLE SHOW.

December sliould be a cheerful month, weather or no. It
should be a warm one too, though never so cold. People blow
their fires and use their bellows within, while the wind bellows
without. Lawyers are glad over Coke. Men take measures
to secure the comfort of their bodies, and preserve the coats of
their stomachs. Though the Legislature does not sit, the
middle classes rejoice in the carrying of many of their hills.
Pastrycooks begia to mince matters; and "eyes" are turned
towards "pies." Politicians affect sincerity; and Feel, tout
sweet, becomes candid. Gross acts of plum-puddingizing are
eflFected by means of a grocer; and Plum-tree-street is then
the sweetest loeahty in St. Giles's. The Irish daily find fresh
raisins for flocking there. With the sale of plums money
gets current; but the sovereign is just now more valued than
ever, and, at the great theatres, Stirling is all the go. The
markets grow lively, and Smithfield puts forth its show. Pigs
have lots of stuffing, and get so heavy that it is quite common
to ask for a pig of lead. About oxen and sheep there is a
decided ignis fat-you-us. Beasts visit beasts, and human fat
cattle — to survey the quadrupedal — walk in, jphimp. Butchers
display fine traits. Boxing day arrives, and with it the
knocks of tradesmen, but they only make a hit when they are
paid. People are obliged to wait for their own Nox till night.
Merry drinks and games then stu* not the fii*e, but the fire-
side. The younger branches of families are indulged in wine
that is elder, universal supperage supplies the place of uni-
versal sufirage; and the only ballot is for the bean in the
cake. Christmas is as brave a fellow on land as ever Admiral
Winter was at sea, and shoidd be toasted accordingly. He
lights our fires, and leaves few without fuel : — he tows up our
colliers to warm our toes ; and, though he is too kind to sink
the barges, he always scuttles the coals I He is no revolu-
tionist, for, whilst warming the little, he has a-respect for the
grate. " He is," says the Frenchman, " our defender, by de
fender; and if he do seem cold, it is only because he is neither
a lore nor a muff.''

15. Mrs. Trimmer

d. 1810.

Grate Wind,

Men and Measure

Boxing; Day.

A Muff-in-Bellc.

Hurrah ! for jolly Christmas, boys ! his days are coming fast ;
When rod is nought but rod'montade, and birch becomes bombast.

246 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184O.

DECEMBER.— Christmas Bustle.

TuGGEElDGE vowed that I should liuish my days there, when he put me in
prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves, and
were, thank God ! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings towards him, and
he actually wrote to me, to say, —

" Sir, — I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do not lie
with you, so much as your wife ; and I have withdrawn my claims which I had
apainst you while you were in wrongful possession of my father's estates. You
must remember that when, on examination of my father's papers, no will was
found, I yielded up his property, with perfect willingness, to those who I fancied
were his Ipgitimate heirs. For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife
and yourself (who acquiesced in them) ; and when the discovery of a will in
India proved my just claims you must remember how they were met, and the
vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them.

" I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more fitted
for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will give five hundred,
pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop when you shall find one to suit you.

" I enclose a draft for twenty pounds, to meet your present expenses. You
have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit ; if he likes to try his fortune abroad,
and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an appointment; and am, Sir,
your obedient servant, John Tuggeeidge."

It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and looked
mighty contemptuous as she gave it.

" I hope, Breadbasket, that your master wiU send me my things, at any rate,"
cries Jemmy. " There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a whole heap of
trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him."

"Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that
them things is quite obnoxious to your spere of life. Breadbasket, indeed !" and
BO she sailed out.

Jemmy hadn't a word ; she had grown mighty quiet since we had been in
misfortune : but my daughter looked as happy as a queen ; and Tug, when he
heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. " Ah,
I suppose you'll forget me now," says he, with a sigh; and seemed the only
unhappy person in company.

" Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of dignity,
" that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work "

" Woman !" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way),
"hold youi- foolish tongue. Y^'our absurd pride has been the ruin of us, hitherto;
and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando, if you vrill take
Jemimarann, you may have her ; and if you'll take five hundred pounds for a
half share of the shop, they're yours; and thafs for you, INIi's. Coxe."

And here Ave are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop, where
we are all waiting to see the new year in. Oi'lando sits yonder, plaiting a wig'
for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and Jemimarann and her
mother have been as busy as you can imagine all day long, and are just now
giving the finishing touches to the bridal dresses ; for the wedding is to take
place the day after to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very
day ; and as for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China
and all his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and
neighbours, to celebrate our re-appearance among them ; and very merry we all
were. We begun with quadrilles, but I never could do 'em well ; and, after
that, to please Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gaUopard, which I found
anything but easy : for since I am come back to a hfe of peace and comfort, it's
astonishing how stout I'm getting ; so we turned at once to what Jemmy and me
excels in — a country dance ; which is rather surprising, as we was both brought
up to a town life. As for young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe ;
AY hi oh Mrs. Coxe says is very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the
sea. But stop ! here comes in the punchbowls ; and if we are not happy, who
is ? I say I um like the Swish people, for 1 can't flourish out of my native haiv.

1840.] 247

EXTRACTS FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER OF
REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES IN 1839.

Jan. 9. — Discover;^ of the real Vegetable Pills : — A patient lioaxej
the vendor, and, instead of taking them, sowed them in his garden.
A fine crop of peas was the result. The man had been selling those
l^leasant vegetables, in boxes, disguised as pills by being covered
with an outer coating of flour ; but, from having been always in
flower, they were now thoroughly bloivn !

In the north, a Coroner's inquest was held upon the body of a
man who died from taking another kind of Vegetable Pills. On
opening the body the interior was discovered to be one huge cabbage,
of great dimensions, but dead, to its heart's core, of confinement
and want of water— a beverage which the patient unfortunately
never drank. The jury returned a verdict of " quits." " Quits,
gentlemen !" exclaimed the dismayed Coroner—" never heard of
such a thing ! What do you mean ?" " Why," replied the fore-
man, with some warmth, " we find that if the cabbage killed the
man, the man most certainly kiUed the cabbage ; and if that ain't
quits, blow me !"

Jan. 2-4-— Her Majesty went on to the stage of Drury Lane
Theatre, to inspect Van Amburgh and his beasts. The Queen was
mistaken by many for the Lady of Lyons.

FsB. 18. — Maroto did a bit of important slaughter, and murdered
twelve generals, upon the plea of the general welfare. Rather a
contradictory reason; but Don Carlos entered
France in consequence. They say his chiefs were
bribed by a palmer's stone, and it is certain there
wail some palming, any way. The only commander
that now sticks to him is Cabrera, and he's not
unlikely to be upset.

March 3. — Vestris attempted to be blown up. ^ ^j, lut.i,, u>m
given her in her own theatre— loaded with combustibles. Drawinj
cover — and discovery in consequence.

Some spiteful people envying Madame's ftime,
Dare to pronounce it an Olympic game !

May 21. — Procession of the Temperance Society.

Tea- total army ! how you march,

Tag-rag and bob-tail of Bohea :
With sober legs, and visage starch,

Looking like men " done to a Tea.''

You're not so jolly o'er your fate,

As merry boys that drink and dance ;
You're cross — and show (I temper bate !)

Bad temper in your temperance.

24B THE COMIC ALMANACK. LI840.

Besides, I think I let truth slip.

Oh ! marching most demure, mobocrasy.

And have you fairly "on the hip "

By hinting here at your Jiypocrisj !

For on this mighty celebration,

AV^hen all abroad for show you roam,

'Tis said, you'll scandalize your nation,
And get blind drunk a-going home !

May 23. — Queen Adelaide returned : —

This good Queen comes with health restored

Of which before she was defaulter :
Did she drink stout when on ship-board.

Or was she known to malt at Malta ?

June 30. — The Sultan of Turkey died of delirium tremens ; the
Fatter of the Faithful going drunk to the seventh heaven ! His
son — scion of the same die-nasty — ascended the throne ; but taught,
by example, not to ivine, hid his grief and drowned his father's
cellars in the Bosphonis. Shortly after this his whole fleet ab-
stained from Fort — and absconded to Mehemet AH.

July 2. — Birmingham riots. A smart fire, but no " Burns's
Justice," — doivn-faU of much ujjh oldster j. Beds in flames —
among the mattresses great destruction of ticlc — credit vanishing.
Sacrifice of property not unlike sacJdng. Town in a storm.

July 21. — E,age for publishing portraits of the Queen — some in
the Lane and some in the line-manner ; some done by Doo, and some
engraved by Goios ins —not by Cousin George, or Cousin Albert, —
not by a Prince man, but a man of Prints. But muzzy-tinto seems
the favourite style.

Aug. 30. — The Cinque Ports gave a banquet to the Duke of Wel-
lington, where they did not siiiJc port at all; on the contrary, the
feast was carried on with much luine, and a great deal of spirit ;
and, although the room was surrounded with hanners, nothing was
found to flag. There were plenty of rations, and orations, and
Lord Brougham's Waterloo Eulogy was a eulogy of the first water.

Sept. 7. — The Secretary of War dated a letter from Windsor
Castle, mistaking it for his Some Office. As it was, it was only a
blunder, but he might as well have kissed Her Majesty by mistake,
and then it would have been a blunder-buss.

Sept. 12. — Poulett Thomson went to Canada, in the Fiqiie fri-
gate ; and many people were much piqiLed at the circumstance.
The ejaculation of " Shiver my timhers /" became prevalent, at the
same time, with the great wood-dealers of British America.

Sept. 22. — Pump looked up at Eamsgate, during divine service.
Lock up the pump ! no ! no ! we see

At once the whole report is scandal :
What dullards in that town must be
Who'd stop the music of a Handel

1 840. J ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH ILLUMINATI. 249

Sept. 28. — The Lord Mayor's chaplain preached his annual
sermon before the Corporation ; and took for his text, " A citizen
of no mecm city." The Corporation, however, got offended at the
discourse, which induced them to withhold the usual fifty-pound
donation. The sermon contained such a dressing that they con-
sidered themselves overdone ; and, refusing to be raied after that
fashion, took their own notes, but withheld the fifty. The reverend
gentleman is now of opinion that they are citi-
zens of a very mean city indeed ; and, if he has
not a text, he has. at least, a »?-etext for saying so.

ISTov. 8. — Post-office arrangements proposed.
Treasury issues one minute, which it takes
twenty to read. Postage, not uniform, but pro-
moted to a groat, to promote the circulation of
fourpenny-pieces. The Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer, having looked at the question in its
every Baring — declines throwing the letters
more open — to distribution. Nevertheless, cor-
respondence will be so much increased, that this
may be called a ])ost age — and Lord Lichfield, a

MAN OF LETTERS.

A Man of Letters.

ASSOOIATIOlSr OF BRITISH ILLUMINATI, HELD AT
BIRMINGHAM, IN AUGUST, 1839.

[We have been requested to insert the following selections from the pro-
ceedings of the Institution, in consequence of the unhandsome conduct of
some of the newspapers, in refusing to publish any further reports unless they
were paid for as advertisements.]

A great feature, in the meeting this year, has been the elegant
and intelligible simplicity of the subjects and papers discussed ; the
following are a few of the most interesting : —

Mr. Bewdlite's paper " On the retrograde Progression of vegetable
-lErolites, supposed to be caused by the flowing Stagnation of diurnal
CuiTcnts, coming in Contact with a Board of Guardians," was much
admired ; as well as Dr. Temcow's admirable paper " On the Ten-
dency of extreme Nervous Filaments to form Photogenic Conven-
tions," and " The Advantages derived from forcing condensed Air
into the Brain, to sharpen the Powers of Hearing," by which means
a whisper at Dover could be distinctly heard at Boulogne.

Under the head of Section W, an interesting report was read by
Dr. Buckleband, on some important geological and antiquarian
discoveries, which were made, in the neighbourhood of Holborn, by
the workmen employed ina lying down gas-pipes. It aj^peared
that, at the depth of six feet below the mud formation,^ having
passed through a stratum of London dirt, teeming with interest-
ing reliquicB of blacking-bottles and tobacco-pipes, in a fine state of

250 THE COMIC ALMANACK. | 184O.

petrifaction, together with traces of decayed vegetable matter, in-
terspersed with bones of feline mammalia, they struck upon a mass
of regular brickwork, which was, at first, supposed to be the remains
of the Roman road which formerly ran from King's Cross to Evans's
Hotel, in Covent Garden. On carefully removing the masonry, they
arrived at a curiously constructed apartment, or cella, containing
several dozen bottles, of modern form, reclining in sawdust round the
walls. The wine in the bottles was found to be perfectly unimpaired
by its long repose, and tasted fresh and sweet. One gentleman pro-
nounced it to be the Massican wine so landed by Pliny. Another,
who had hitherto pretended to be a judge of old wine, stated that it
was merely a compound of inferior port (fine rough flavour, 30s.)
and red currant, with a small admixture of English brandy. The
learned professor merely mentioned this absurd opinion as a matter
of entertainment. One of the most singular features of this grati-
fying discovery, was one of the everlasting lamps, of which curious
light a small jet was burning over the bins, with a flame exactly re-
sembling gas. He expected a further report of their proceedings by
the seven o'clock train. While the learned gentleman was speaking,
the communication arrived. Much excitement prevailed as he read
the paper ; and one of the audience, in his nervous agitation, took
another's snuff-box by mistake. It appeared that the workmen had
descended, in company with several contributors to the " Gentleman's
Magazine," and, following a long passage, similarly adorned with
bottles, began to contemplate the idea of bringing to light an entire
subterranean E-oman city ; probably destroyed by one of the early
volcanic eruptions of the Mons Frimula, or Primrose Hill, of the
ancients. On ascending a flight of steps they came to a small door,
which they eagerly forced open, and the astonished group found
themselves in the " bottling department" of what had been appa-
rently an early Roman "wine vaults."

Mr. Lyme Stone produced a fine fossil specimen of the claw or
some extinct animal, which had been discovered by the excavators
of the Southampton Railroad. He had shoAvn it to the learned pro-
fessor, who had drawn the entire animal from this single specimen ;
and, on comparing it with the Munkorsensauros, it was found to be
correct, with the exception of the tail being curly instead of straight.
Mr. Planecence inquired if it was not likely to be the claw of an
eagle, in composition similar to those displayed in the l!^ew Road,
where the two gentlemen, without any clothes, are represented as
Inlaying at single-stick. He was strengthened in this idea by observ-
ing an iron pin running through the claw, probably to fix it to the
pedestal. Mr. Lyme Stone was sorry that the honourable and
learned gentleman was such a confounded fool. The pin with which
it was transfixed was evidently a weapon of chase, proving the ex-
istence of man upon the earth to be coeval with his desire for food.

An angry discussion would doubtless have taken place had not the
hour sounded for dinner. The company speedily separated, and
proved the superiority of the attraction that ducks and salmon ]30§.
sessed over inorganic incomprehensibles.

1840.]

251

BLARNEYHUM ASS-TROLOGICUM PRO ANNO 18-10.

CourvTEous Readee,

TTOLD thy breath lightly, while I outpour to thee, in gentle
-'--L diction, my prediction of events. Behold the Hieroglyphic
Interpreter of the symbols of the present and the future ; and
what a iJosse of things — both in posse and in esse — it closes and
discloses under its mystic mantle. Imagine thyself, for a moment,
like the topmost sails of some goodly vessel, — the moon-raker — the
star-gazer — the sky-scraper of the Firm-i-meant ; and peruse what
my prophecy doth, by a ruse, foretel. See the signs of my designs.
Now, high in the mid-heaven, behold Albertus Sagittarius as the
Cupid Archer, driving his love-dart through the window of that
conatellatory hotel, known in great and little Britain by the sign
of the Virgo and Groivn. Behold the Miss is hit. This is porten-
tous of hymen ; but other high men, lo ! are typified in those
dejected falling stars, pursuing their downward decadence from the
court-yard of the palatial Inn. Now, then, shall marriage spread
wide its pinions among people of all opinions, and the cord of con-

2^2 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1840.

cord sliall be tied. See that gorgeous liecatomb of hearts, which
the young trump, Love, fires and inspires with fame and flame.
He, behold, is the rightful Duke of Victoria ; husbanding his
resources, and yet setting the tide of conquest through the world.
Baby linen becomes shortly at a premium, and my art foresees a
prevalence of Sun and Air !

Wliirled into fire, see the political world, and ire burst from the
soil of Jre-land. In fancy, I behold the flames, now in in-i-ancj,
mount and swell. Jack Frost sits melancholy mad, and burns his
fingers by the blaze he essays to raise ; but there are other Jacks
that want roasting, which the courteous Reader will smoke. The
Iroils are not over; and, though the fierceness of the fire of politics
will not evaporate the Thames, yet, from Westminster to the
Tower, it shall send forth a hissing noise.

But sit thou lightly on thy throne, Victoria ! for the tumult
shall be tmnultum in parvo ; and thy people, convinced that it was
infra dig. to abandon the spade for the pike, and assume the
habits of the ralve, will leave the fields of speculation for those of
agriculture; and their sons and daughters, emulating thy good
example, will betake them to arts of hushandvj, cast away their
divisic'ns for multiplication, and thus enjoy the Irish sunshine of a
genial reign.

RiGDUM FUNNIDOS.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For i84i.

254

JANUARY.

[1841.

COMMONS, BUT NOT SHORT C0\1M(>NS

MAKTYKS IN PEISON.

Sheriffs in custody ! — in very quod !

Deep, but still jolly, in their dreadful sin ;
Both reg'lar rum 'uns,

Each a noble feller,
And living just as if the House of Commons

Had got a splendid cellar,
And shoved 'em in the Duff and Gordon bin !

How very odd !
A sheriff's officer's the soul of trap,
Like pot-house people, always at the tap,

Though not a 6ar-gent.
Thanks that no sheriff here was sent to prison
By any officer of his'n

Tapp'd in the time of " farms :"

But simply handed over to a sergeant
At arms!
These are no poets robb'd of attic bliss,
For when did Grub-street feed on grub like this ?

Ham, chicken, veal, or tongue . sergeant

For supper, 'stead of the « Night Thoughts" of Youu- ; at arms.

Stilton,

Instead of Milton,
Champagne most sparkling, eau de vie most fiery,
And baskets full of cards of fond inquiiy !

J orums of pimch, the bowl a very fixture,

A nd made, like snuff, a sort of Prince's mixtm-e ;

N o end of wine, and, ergo, no repining,

U seful distinction betwixt wine and whining •

A prison-palace — comfortable, airy, '

K ather a safe than dungeon, though terms vary •

Y our sheriffs keep good terms with Januasy.'

U. Twelfth Day.

That biggest cake, so pi-ime and nice,

What's its price ?
Guineas two !— well, there I'm done !
What's the other ? — guinea one !
Humph ! that little 'un— you can buy
For half-a-guinea : — 0 my eye !
If you please, a penny buu!

l.S4f-J ^5^

TWELFTH NIGHT.

{Not Shakspeare's.)
Miss Miffins was a blooming nympli,

Of almost half a ceut'ry,
"Who long had grieved her book of life

To keep by single entry.
She'd once a quiver-full of beaus ;

Old, young, short, tall, dark, light :
Stokes, Nokes; Tibbs, Nibbs, Hill, Till, Fox, Kiio:

But never Mister Right.
In fact, she was a leetle proud.

And loved to play and park it ;
And so, like many another /atV,

She'd overstood her marhet.
The Baker woo'd her once, and oft

At eve love's tale would tell her;
But all she said to him was this,

" Begone you kneady feller I"
The Pieman, too, had tried his luck ;

But there again her pride
Stood in her way : she couldn't bear

To be a Tarter's bride.
The man " wot drives the pleasure wan"

Had loved her to insanity ;
But, as she said, " What's pleasure? Stuff!

And wans is nought but wanity I"
The Miller next, in honey'd words,

That love so promptly teaches,
Assail'd her heart. But " Come," said she,

" IsTone of your floivrij speeches !"
The Clothesman, too, although a Jew,

Desired to be her beau ;
But finding PhilUs look so cold,

Return'd to his old " Clo'."
The Pawnbroker had also shown

A flatt'ring predilection :
But " No," said she, " don't look to me

For Pledges of affection."
Thus all the men she jilted then,

And one reply they got :
" She'd rather live without a tie" —

But now — she'd rather knot.
So one twelfth-day — that is, one sixth —

She went the cakes to view :
Like all the world, who feel, that day,

A cak<',-oethes too.

256 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^4^

Of course tlie boys soon pinn'd her fast,

(No greater plagues on earth !)
And her poor gown became the vic-

Tim of their boy-strous mirth.

A cracker, too, by sad mischance,
And while with fear she panted.

At one fell bounce, soon fired her flounce —
Though not the spark she wanted.

A hero bold who stood close by,

Quick to her rescue flew.
And tore away the flaming robe : —

Her pocket vanish'd too.

She went into a j&t— so strong,

That two young Tailors swore
They'd never seen in all their lives

So tight a fit before.

The swain into whose arms she'd fall'n,

"When to herself she'd come,
Seeing that she was " all abroad,"

Begg'd he might see her home.

Arrived, they talk'd of this and that.

Love, war, and heroes dead.
A soldier he— a man of rank

(And file, he might have said) —

A Polish Count, a Knight Grand Cross,

K. X., and Q. E. D. ;
Grand Master of the Blood-red Dirk,

And R 0. G. U. E.

In fine, to make a long tale short,

He tickled her ambition ;
And soon at Church persuaded her

To altar her condition.

Then ofi" she wrote to all her friends —

Aunt Smith and Cousin Cole ;
To tell them all the news, how she

Was tied to a great Pole.

But, oh ! pride, pride must have a fall ;

Her cash he soon got through :
And then, one mizzHng Mich'lmas day.

The Count he mizzled too.

And ever since, on fair Twelfth Night,

A wand'ring form is seen :
A female form, and this its cry : —

*' Yy vot a Cake I've been !"

v84i.]

FEBRUAliY

^^7

A MAREY-TIME VIEW.

10. Queen Victoria's marriage.

To gaze upon the wide expanse of ocean,

Far as horizon, I confess, sublime ;
To feast oui' eyes on nuptial groups in motion.

Is, notwithstanding, just as marry time.

A Eoyal wedding host and pouring rain,

Both iiishing on to-gether, and to boot.
By the park railway, carriages in train,

With shoals of footmen and of men on foot.

A gathering of the people, all from home.

The reigning Queen and raining sky to view ;

In Italy the millions rush to Rome,
Are they not free to roam in London too 7

Throngs of the curious — curiously met.

An inconsistent batch of low and high ;
Drunkards, for instance, getting di-ench'd Avith tvet,

And still declaring they were very dry I

Women with pattens found to clog the way,
Young thieves aspiring to the golden fleece,

'Mid tori-ents fair, that soaked, with equal play,
A new policeman, or a new pelisse.

Tea-totallers, with spirits under proof.

And lots of water for them overhead.
There was, because men would not stand aloof,

A general jam^ but one that wouldn't spread I

Matters grew pressing, and, without regai'd

To toes or ribs, a bonnet or a belly.
The Jam I speak of soon became so hard.

It nearly jammed some people to a jdly I

Yet at that Eoyal wedding, people say.

The pickpockets their trade did sadly botch ;

For one industrious youth came all the way
From Seven Dials to steal a single watch !

12. llth Hussars, called Prince Albert's own.

God save the Queen! — we love her, and the sign is —
Millions of warm huzzas still greet her throne ;

One thousand prime hussars she gives his Highness •
But she is more than them — Prince Albert's own .

A v/eduiiipr tm^x.

General Jam.

A Watchman in
Seven Dials.

The new
Bolle and r-nwn.

PgS THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184I.

SAINT VALENTINE.
Des Olseaux.

Sweet Valentine, thy praise is heard

In ev'ry grove so green, oh !
And thousand birds press on to join

The Concert Valentino.

There's not an oak, or ash, or elm,

But some fond couple bears ;
The very aj^ple-tree itself

Is cover'd o'er with pairs.

And though the groves are bare of leaf,

As far as eyes can reach ;
And not a bough one bud can boast,

They've lots of flow'rs— of speech.

There's young Jack Daw, and young Mac Caw,

And Phil O'Mel (though late),
Each pressing on his am'rous suit,

With all his feather weight.

The beaux so very pert are grown,

That, when theii* lady wills.
Like oppositionist M.P.'s,

They wont withdraw their bills.

There's Mister Ostrich 'mong the belles

Is quite a forward chap,
Wliich, Ostrich-like, he seems to think

A feather in his cap.

Miss Pelican declares her beau

Is got beyond endurance ;
And wonders at — she really does —

His Pelican Assurance.

Miss Pigeon's trying to look shy,

He's calling her " crosspatch !"
But, though a Pouter now she seems,

'Twill be a Pigeon match.

The Peacock leads his beUe along,

And presses her to wed ;
And now he gives his lips a feast,

Then gives his tail a spread.

Each fowl has got some pretty gift

Beneath his am'rous wing :
Some offer wreaths of orange flow'r;

The Dove has brought his ring.

1841.] SAINT VALENTINE. ^59

There's not a birdie, young or old,

But feels tliat love has caught her :

The Eagle wants a little sim,
The Daw a little Daw-ter.

It's no use feigning this and that,

For little Love, ifegs !
Is firm, and makes each lady bird

Confess that " eggs is eggs."

List to the loves of Lisson-grove,

From robin, lark, and linnet ;
While busses from the Nightingale

Are passing ev'ry minute.

The very hosom of the deep

Seems under love's soft sway ;
And flocks of water-fowl are seen

Indulging their fowl play.

There's rev'rend Kook, and Daw, his clerk.

Sitting with well- stuff 'd craws,
Read to lend a helping hand

To forward the good caws.

Each bird a poet now becomes,

And sings some sad refrain :
The Yellow-hammer ev'n has got

His yeUow-ham'rous strain.

Some try to shine in repartee.

Who can't be smart in ditty ;
The very Peewit on the heath

Turns all at once peewit-y.

I know not if the birds have part

In our new marriage laws ;
But if they've not, it's clear they ought

To have their special claws.

In faithfulness they beat us far ;

For, spite of all their freaks.
You never see the feather'd tribe

Going before their heaks.

So fare-you-weU, fair ladies aU;

I hope, before next spring,
Throughout the land you'll set the bells

All of a wedding ring.

8 2

ato MARCH. tiSiu

HAT-ON GAEDEN.

Vell, I'd give a farden to know vy tliey calls tliis here Hatton Garden.
I'm sartain sure it must be done in jest ; for if every hat aint hoff instead
of hon, I'm blest ! Hat on, indeed ! veil, sartinly it's vindy ; and here's a
pretty shindy. They've rose the flat'lent element at last, and here it's pep-
pering on, a precious blast ! It's nuffin l>ut a reglar blast of ruin, undoin'
every von vith vot it's doin. Veil, blacksmiths must be
most unconscionable fellows, if, such a day as this, they
vants a bellows. I can't even svear; my pals u'(t
hardly knowme: I don't feel no occasion to say "blow
me." Oh ! oh ! here's a go ! The voman's blowing
over; she's a reglar charmer, but so unkimmon fat it
can't much harm her. Vont there be chimbley acci-
dents : — ay ! lots. Look, look at Harmer and Flower's
flower-pots ; they're a fallin' on that old gentleman's
head as valks below; and vot's vurse, it's too vindy
for him to return the " blow." [They say as
Alderman Harmer has left the town off, and he's
made a breeze in the city vith the vind as he vhisk'd his gown off.] Veil,
I'm hoff, so here goes ; my eyes, how it blows ! That ere image-boy can't
hold his tray ; ain't his kings and queens, and dukes, a rattlin avay. There
goes a couple slick ; the vind's broke Vellington and little Vic. Go it, my
hearty ! that's it, you've shivered Bonyparty ; and, notwithstanding the
furious vay in vich it blows and rains, if he ain't a stopping to pick up Na-
poleon's remains ! Veil, I've heard of " mad as a March air," and precious
mad I find it is, still I can't say as I care : as long as I get home safe, and
there's nobody killed, I sees no great harm in it ; only I hopes that them as
vere particularly anxious to raise the vind, is veil satisfied this very miuit !

16. aibbon died, 1794. " Jyegustlhns non est disputandum."

' High wmas, and no mistake. •

"Will you not take another cup?" said the mistress of the tea-party.
"No," answered the awkward gentleman, who had prematurely risen to
depart ; but, upon the word, his foot slipped over the hearth-rug, and he fell.
" In refusing that cup of tea, and tumbling so soon after, you remind me of
'Gibbon's Roman Empire,'" said the wag of the tea-party. "Why?"
"Because you are a living illustration of the decline and falV

i84i.l 25i -.

THEATRICAL FUN DINNER.

The Bard of Avon summon' d his ghosts
Around his own bright shade, in hosts,
And the characters came to the Poet of Fame,
To hear his mighty say.
" Well, now," he cried, " bright sinrits all.
Hither to-day you have my call,
To quit the volume in which you are bound.
And make, together, a holiday round,
And go in a group to the pjay."
So the principal characters, giving a look
Of delight, jumped out of the Shakspeare book ;
Daylight was on the wane.

Out they skipped, ready equipped,
And started for Drury Lane.
In fall-ness oi his fat led Faletaff, spruce and clean,
(No false staff wanted he whereon to lean) —

The van.
Othello, black, beneath his dazzling vest,
Polished with Warren's best,

Look'd just the man
For women fair to love him,
You felt you couldn't take the sJiine out of him !
Komeo escorted Juliet — pretty lisper, she fed on Romeo's whisper.
Hamlet, the fencing dueller,
(The only modern Hamlet we can boast,
Was born a jeweller ;
Just as each uncle that our poets sing
Reigns now a pawnbroker, and not a king) ;
Hamlet, I say, took up his princely post.
Between his uncle and his father's ghost.

Shylock, the Jew that Shakspeare drew.
Had nobody to draio him now — so ivalked;
Macduff, Macbeth, lago, and the rest.
Marched all abreast.
The witch alone, dress' d in her riding-hood.
Travelled upon her broomstick, as she should.
Grov'ling below her, in the rear,
Crawled Cali6aw,
While Clown
"Turned somersets eternal up and down.
That he was born, to make it plain appear,
A Somerset man !
On, a few paces, jolly Bardolph goes,
To light the party with his flaming nose.

Now they gain Drury Lane :
There, of course, they need do no more
Than present themselves at the free-list door ;
Over the book Jack Falstaff bends.
To write the name of " Shakspeare and Friends.*'
When, lo ! with sighs, and tears in his eyes,
And to everybody's immense surprise,
Mr. Parker cries,

a6a THE COMIC almanack. L^^4i

With a look of most discomfiting woe,
"I'm exceedingly sorry to tell you so,
But ' Shakspeare and friends ' are now no go ;

No go, I say, but to go away.
They are struck entirely off the list ;
• For the whole concern has taken a twist. _

It's the Chamberlain's pleasure, 1 vow, with pain,
And Shakspeare's diddled at Drury Lane I"
By Falstaff's flabbergastered frown,
You see he now is thoroughly down,
Where he sluod before like a swell so nobby,
He's ready to burst with passion and thirst,
And he'd get up a row, and bully 'em now,
But he sees the new police in the lobby.

So, to hide what he feels, he turns on his heels,
And to all his retinue making a sign,
Shouts, " Boys, follow me on the road to dine !
As we are not free at this house of base uns,
AVe'll march at once to our own Freemason's ;
The Cif^'that will greet us there, we know.
Is better than this last knock-down blow ;
And there — of us every mother's son —

Shakspeare saint, or Shakspeare sinner.
As bonny before we've often done.

On the fat of the land, will feast at a grand
Theatrical Fun

Dinner T''
The tavern is open, they've gathered 'em there,
Fat old Falstafl" has taken the chair ;
He's eating away like an old gormandizer,
Who's been into College and come out a sizer.
And Bartley perceives, now he's taken enough in,
That Falstafl" himself cannot play without stuffing.
Close behind his benevolent face.

And belly and back, as he's taking his whack,
Good Master Clown is making grimace.
And acting toastmaster-in-chief of the place.
Falstaflf glows, from his top to his toes,
His great big body keeps warming his clothes,
As he puffs and blows, while his glass overflows,
He is lighting his clay pipe at Bardolph's nose '
Drury Lane has dismissed him, alack !
But Falstaff's accustomed to getting the sack !
There he sits like a friar or monk,
Till the guests around grow uncommonly dnmk ;
The witch of the party, with gin they cram her.
In their eager strife for the good of the dram her;
But Shakspeare's voice, from bottle and stoup.

Warned all the spirits to go their ways,
And Cruikshank had hardly finished his group,

Ere they'd all got home to their several plays !

APRIL.

FISHER'S LAKE SCENERY.

Amoxg sweet April showers tliere's no dangler
So persevering as your fervent, angler :
Left, b}'- less fond companions, in the lurch,
Upon his lonely boat he'll take his perch^
And fish for ever there by line and rule,
His poets must be all of the Lalce school ,
The only prose writers he'd ever brook,
In social brotherhood, are Poole and Hook ;
Beat him on land, he thinks the insult odd,
Beat him by water, and he'll kiss the rod;
Has he a secret you would know past doubt.
Your only chance with him's to tvor7n it out :
Take him abroad to ride, he'd rather die
Than have a coach, if he could get a/?/ .•
He'd like to sit for life upon a raft.
In perpetuity of gentle craft !
What if a little hostel, by the stream,
Offer " fish, gratis !" what is that to him ?
He'd rather sit, when clouds have hid the sun,
Between the rain and river, catching none.
What are the jolly inmates all about ?
Drinking warm brandy, genial ale, or stout : —
And he ? Oh ! he is taking cold loitliout !

12. Easter Monday.

" Mayn't I go to the /air, ma'am ?" Bet inquires ;

" Suppose all sorts of evils there beset you :"
" Missis, I aint that sort of girl, you know.

Harmless fair fun is all as I desires :"
"Well, if the weather's fair enough to go,

I think it mil be only fair to let you :"
So fair, fair girl, fair day, and fair permission.
With the fare to the fair crown Bet's condition !

23. Death of Shakspeare, 1616.

" Sweet Bard of Avon !" — " Well," says Jack, " how you
Can call him Bard of A-won, goodness knows !
I'm sure as I don't : stop ! I think I do ;
He stands A 1, at Poet's Lloyd's, I s'pose !"

POETIC LICENCE.

I say, lend me a crown !

I've only three shillings in my pocket :

Well, hand them over, and then you'll owe me two \

Dandies ask, How will
the weather go ?

A heavy swell.

Rainbows for

fine beaux,

whether or no !

264 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184I,

DIVIDE ^^D DAY A'? THE BANK.

What a crowd i wliat a crusli !
What a row ! what a rush !
What screaming, and tearing, and noise, —
Of cabmen and footmen, poHcemen and bus-men,

And poor little run-over boys !
From Lombard-street, Prin ^e's-street. Broad-street, King-
William -stieet,
On they co-Jie driving full spank :
Old and young, great an.d small,
Fair and brown, short and tall ;
For it's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Oh ! it's Dividend Day !

Oh ! it's Dividend Day !
And all sorts of queer incongruities :
Old men and young maids, deaf ears and briph^ '"yes,
Are coming to claim their annuities.

All questions now cease —

Is it war ? is it peace ?
Who cares ! Or for news of the Frank '

For Fleet or Conscription,

Turk, Euss, or Egyptian ? — •
It's Dividend Day at the Bank.

" Dear uncle," says Miss,

With a smile and a kiss,
"How rosy you're looking to-day !

(Stay ! stop ! stand you still !

There's a fly on your frill !
Psh ! there, now I've brush'd it away.
And here, look, dear nunks, is a beautiful purse :
There, take it — ^no words — hush— dor; t thank!''

And another great buss

Accomp'nies the " puss" —
It's Dividend Day at tl>6 Bank.)

The merchant on 'Change

Thinks it looks rayilier strange
That his %vife should come out aU that way —

From Kennington- common —

Such a very fat woman !
And such an " uncommon hot day !"

To meet her " dear duck,"

1 84 1. J DIVIDEND DAY AT THE BANK. 265

Her " love" and lier " chuck ;'*
And then she's so hearty and frank,

Prates and chirps like a bird, —

But, of course, not a word
About Dividend Day at the Bank.

The Minister now,

With pre-occupied brow,
On some " secret service" is gone ;

While loyal committee,
From borough or city
Is left in its glory alone.

" Yet he promised to be

Here exactly at three —
Only think! and a man of his rank;

And possessing such zeal

For the national weal !" —
But it's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Now summer suns glow,

And summer buds blow.
And summer birds gladden each hour ;

While soft strains of love

Ai'e heard from above.
And Beauty sits lone in her bow'r :

Sits lone in her bow'r,

And droops like the flow'r
That of rain or of dew hath not drank

To her lover she cries ;

But no lover repHes ! —
It's Dividend Day at the Bank.

Oh ! tne poet may sing

Of the beauties of Spring,
In a hymn to the sweet first of May j

The hero attune.

To the eighteenth of June,
His glorious, uproarious lay ;

To Saint Valentine's morn

Let lovers forlorn
Write verses, in rhyme or in blank ;

I'll carol my lays

To the glory and praise
Of Dividend Day at the Bank.

266

MAY.

L1841.

MA^ GAMES.— Hog g's-Wake.

The village is out, the village is out,
Peasant and clodhopper, fool and flout ;
Fast in the collars the grinners are seen,
And the squeaking grunter is loose on the green :
Halloo him, follow him, frighten him on !
Whip him and skip him, fast bid him be gone !
'Bout him, and knout him, and give him the flail,
And put plenty of soap on his curly tail !

Thus, in the midst of a beautiful run.
My tale is begun, my tale is begun !
Like a man after lodgings, who's got a first /oor.
You're down on your belly, you country boor ;
And his tail has given your fingers more
Soap than they've seen for a year before ;
Good little tail, sleek, greasy, and lean,
Trying the villagers' hands to clean ;
And see how they flounder, and see how they fail,
In seeking to hold by the slippery tail !

Thus, while pig and tail the villagers diddle,
My tale's in the middle, my tale's in the middle !
'Mid laughter, 'mid laughter, run after! run after!

The tail of the grunter taunts great and small !
Catch it you can't, for it bobs aslant.

Like an eel that's beating the heels of you all !
That pig so sleek, it'll hold for a week

Its present connexion 'twixt Grisi and squall ;
Till fairly worn out with its slipping about.

When you catch it, it wont have a tail at all:
So here, at the tail of the sport, my frienJ,
My tale and the pig's t-^il are both at an end !

27. Order of the Bath. 1725. Water Witch.

(ramilj Tale of a Tub.)

31. Wit Monday.

Pray, who is the fellow of infinite fun,
Of whom men declare that his wit, like the sun,
Shines and sparkles along — that its bright sallies glide
Like a fresh summer river at flow of its tide ? —
Why, join wit, sun, and tide, and it's perfectly clear
You niean jolly young Whitsuntide — Prince of the year

get

m;ijr

Polish Fate.

Cotter's Saturday
Night.

Admiral De Witt,

1841.] 26 J

SETTLING DAY AT "THE COENER."

" As 1 was going to (the) Derby,
All on, &c." — Old Song.

I WISH I'd never bet;
I wish I'd never seen a horse or colt ;
1 wish I'd never join'd that jockeying set
I wish I'd stopped away
From Epsom on the Derby Day —
And all such places !
I wish I'd kept at home,
And never shown my person at a
Hippodrome,
I wish, instead of going like a dolt

To those horse races,
I'd gone to Cowes Eegatta !

We've all our ups and downs, I know,
Both great and small ;
But, oh !
Those Epsom Downs are worst of all.

What could have made me join those gambling jockeys ?

(Out-of-door Crockies :)
How could I reckon so without my host ?

How could I, cockney born and bred,
So run my head
Against that betting post ?
Brought up in staid pursuits
(Not among nasty animals and brutes),
How could I think, to such a blust'ring clan,
My reason and my cash to yield ?
I never was a martial man ;
How could I " take the field ?"

Why did I, stupid dolt,
Back that confounded, desperate Solace colt,

Or of that mulish Muley make a pet ?
No doubt, large sums I thought of soon amassin' ;
But what a double ass I was to bet
On that Ass-ass-in !

The bounds of prudence how hard to regain !
When once a man o'ersteps 'em !
But I have done : Eichard's himself again !
Yes, be assured,
I'm now completely cured ;
At least, this shall be my last dose of Epsom.

268 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184!.

It was an awful moment — that run-in —
(Especially for those young minors short of tin!)
I own 1 felt my heart sink then,

And all my thoughts seemed driven into a " Corner :'*
And then I thought of North America, and Canton,
And then I turned a scorner

Of men,
And thought of Joseph Manton.
And then the race-course whirled before my eyes ;
And then I heard a voice, in words of thunder,
Say,
'' Heyday,
Good sir ! you seem to have some great surprise."
" Yes, and it's Little Wonder !"

However, now
That's past,
And I have made a vow
That bet shall be my last.
All wagers now I nauseate and detest

(" Odds" and the rest) ;
AH jockeys hate,
(Welter and feather weight) ;

All meetings fly
(October and July) ;
In short, I think all racing sad,
And all its courses bad.
And as for the stupidity of those who go.
The difference, I trow
(If there's a tittle),
'Twixt Donkey-ster and Ass-cot's mighty little.

I've burnt my " books ;" no horse again I'll back

(Racer or hack) :
No more I'll hedge : and by the Grecian gods,

I'll not stand on the long odds.
With tens, and fives, and fours, and threes to one
I've done. I've done with saying " Done, done, done !"
My means no more I'll stake upon a Derby Day :
It's my last lay.

From this day forth for evermore,
Though I should live to four — or forty score,
I'll never lay another shilling —

If I do I'm a villain —

(Be this the moral of my tale).

Though you should make me the most tempting offer —

Golconda to an empty coffer —
A thousand sterling to a pint of ale —
You shan't prevail.
No matter what the sum
^'■■' I wont.

******

- - Come,

I'll bet you half-a-crown I don't 1

'%.

1841.

June.

169

THE OXFORD AEMS.

Deer Suzax,
I set up all Knigt to set down to rite ii a bout a horrit deed that has put all
the grate Law yers to work, and has been a drawm Tliiers from the Nayshuns
hies. It is a shock King crime, no less than a shoot in at the Queen. The as-
sassin-hating will-in was quite in low life — nort but a pot-boj'' ! (not as that is
auy dis-a-peerage-ment ; for I here there is Potts a arch deecon, and Fill pots
a Bishup ;) but he did not ware his best to go before her Mad-jest-i, but own lie
his work-a-day close, which I think was tatterd and tome, for I hurd mast her
say bo went there with ragged Side intenshuns. One thing is de-litefull to no,
that the Queen got off as Avell as the pistoll, mtch the will-in tuk. _ From the
way he prescent'ed the weppon, it is. thort he is one of the leveling classes,
though it is won-durd what his aim could be. Sum say he wos like Sir Wall-ter
scots Time Bar door,

" Burn-in with luv — to fire for fame ;"
which I cant see, as that true bar door came "beneath his lades windo ;" but
this pot-boy went into the 0 pen park, and tum'd the Queen quite pail, a shoot
in thru the pail-ings ! The Public in dig Nashun nose no bounds : the Public
Houses of the People, with their benches and their bar, are to Congrat tulerate
the Queen on her he scape from the pot-boy. He was a en-and will-in ; and as he
was tuk in one Park, i understand he is to be tried by another, wot is as good a
Judge as he. His name is oxford, and a hug lie feller he is, tho no feller, I am
tolld, of the Oxford wot has a call edge on the banks of the Ices, which is a
river, you No, and, I s^DOze, is all ways froze. They say the grand jury cant
help find in a true Bill aginst him, which reminds me of my own true Bill, who
lives with farm her Constant. Give my luv to him, and all so kep it for yoiir-
self ; and so for the present good buy. Yours till deth,

Carry Line.

11. Bacon died. 1294

A con about £a-con,

V/hy is a good cook like a Student of Philosophy ?
Because she has long been accustomed to/ry her bacon.

A Bacon Frier.
Bacon's a bygone, for him I don't care,

More than girls care for school when they're out of their teens ;
Don't call him a bygone — of Bacon I swear,

It's more proper to class him among the has-beans. AN undertaker.

Pray, sir, what has been
your largest undertaking^
in life ?

Wliy, I once took ten
shillings in the pound on
a debt of ten thousand,
and that was the largest
undertaking I ever had,

19. Queen Yictoeia's Accession.

As once our Queen succeeded to the throne,
Setting her people all to merry-makings 5

So may she not succeed to that alone,
.But eke succeed in all her undertakings !

2)0 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184!.

THE LICENSED VICTUALLERS' DINNER.

The dinner of tlie Licensed Victuallers is better to them than the
wisdom of Solomon, or the ore of lore : it is their feast of literature,
for they consider it in the light of a splendid annual — magnificently
bound in calf for society — with the cloth edition especially reserved
for themselves. It is a pleasure to behold their spread, the chairman
soaring into Epicurean sublimity, like the siyread eagle, or feasting
like the golden vulture upon quid vult. See, they have gathered in
the strength of their conviviality. Every one of them is a landlord,
if not a lord of the land ; how they labour at their vocation of cram !
Their festive board has become a board of works ; and they are all
busy about the pleasantest half of the trade of carver and gilder.
Every man, like a tailor, is taking his full measure ; their whole
vision is given to the pro- vision ; and they are now, more than doctors
and lawyers, among the/eecZ. Pollok's " Course of Time" is nothing to
the course of victuals now produced. All the creatures that figure on
their sign-boards have been brought up and dressed for the nonce.
Rarities are here, which it must have required a new edition of
" Cook's Voyages" to procure. The Goose ivith the Gridiron, the
Magpie without the Stump, the Sivan ivith two Necl's, and the throttle
of some youthful Boniface acting Lad-lane for the luxury : a joint
from the Pig in the Pound ; the Blue Boar done thoroughly brown ;
the meek Lamb sent saucey from the Mint ; the Dolphin, by off-
slicing process, changing its size and not its dyes ; the " Cock" with
exquisite stuffing, so that it emulates a firm of city silversmiths, and
becomes " Cock Savoury ;" the Hen and Chickens, quite a gentle
brood, roasted for food ; " the Salmon," accustomed to swim,
now beginning in consequence to sink ; and last, not least, the Pea-
cock assisting at the spread ! Sure here is food for reflection, and
the great hody of Licensed Victuallers may rejoice in the victuals
thereof.

Dinner is now over. The " Queen" is disposed of; the " Royal
Family" are settled; the "Army and Navy" are dispatched.
Although it is not an ordinary, they have gone through the ordinary
toasts : the business of the evening is about to be commenced ; the
Chairman is on his mettle, and on his legs. He is a wit and a wittier ;
a patriot on the side of the public-houses and the public. Bodily,
as well as oratorically, he is a great speaker, and his eloquence is now
let loose. He informs the company before him of the great importance
of the humane and intoxicating society to which he belongs. He tells
them that the Licensed Victuallers are connected with all that is ele-
Tating (spirits for instance), civilizing, and admirable, in town and
country. They are identified equally with the lush and the litera-
ture of the land ; for he is prepared to contend that whatever has
Deen great in literature is deducible from lush. Every author of
Eminence has been more or less inspired from the tap, the bin, the
cellar, or the bar. The Edinburgh Castle has never been a Castle

1841-] I'^IE LICENSED VICTUALLERS' DINNER. ^71

of Indolence ; and taverns must be regarded as tlie fountains of the
mind. Vehement cries of " bravo !" and " draw it mild !" here inter-
rupt the speaker ; but he declares he cannot draw it any milder,
and that it would be stale, flat, and unprofitable if he did. He
would prove his case. The poet who quaffs British brandy is filled
with patriotic spirit, and writes nobly for native land. The wit con-
fines himself to what is rum. The nautical novelist sticks to port.
Gin inspires the great delineators of human life. What, for instance,
but gin-twist could have brought Oliver Twist to light ? He would
repeat — that lush and literature were indissolubly connected, and
that the press and the punch-bowl were one. Yes, the very press
was nothing but a great punch-bowl. Its thunder, devilism, and
vituperation, were the spirit ; its bland praises were the sweets ;
its sarcastic truths and stings were the blended bitter and acid ;
its pleasant news was the aroma from the lemon-peel ; its quarrels
were the hot water ; its sneers were the cold : it sometimes created
a terrible stir ; but then punch was nothing without that ; and,
finally, the newsmen were the glasses, and when all was done, the
editors were the ladles — he said ladles emphatically, lest they should
be taken for spoons — that doled it out to the eager-swaUowing com-
munity. (Loud cries of " capital," and incessant cheering.) All
these things incontestably proved that the kings of the lush were
the kings of the literature of the land ; and, therefore, the Licensed
Victuallers were at the head of the civilization of the empire. It
was said that " knowledge is power ;" very well — then the public
had to thank them and their brewers. They might talk of their
cheap periodicals, but, he would ask, would there be any circulation
of instruction in this kingdom if it was not for the respectable firm
of Head and Co. ? Another gentleman was a Whithread — he might
say, a wit-bred and born : but there was no end of illustration ;
and, if knowledge was power, it was a brewer's dray-horse power;
it passed to the public through the cellars of the publicans, and all
he could say was, if it carae up " heavy" it went down light. " He
should, therefore, give— Prosperity to the Licensed Victuallers'
Institution."

The toast is drunk with applause — the Chairman shortly after
follows its example, and by two in the morning the company have
got under the table over their wine.

DID YOU EVER?

Did you ever know a sentinel Vv^lio could tell what Duilding he
was keeping guard over ?

Did you ever know a cabman, or a ticket-porter, with any change
about him ?

Did you ever know a tradesman asking for his account who had
not " a bill to take up on Friday ?"

272 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184!.

Did you ever know an omnibus cad who would not engage to set
you down within a few yards of any place within the bills of mor-
tality ?

Did you ever know a turnpike-man who could be roused in less
than a quarter of an hour, when it wanted that much of midnight ?

Did you ever see a pair of family snuffers which had not a broken
spring, a leg deficient, or half-an-inch of the point knocked off?

Did you ever know a lodging-house landlady who would own to
bugs ?

Did you ever know the Boots at an inn call you too early for the
morning coach ?

Did you ever know a dancmg-master's daughter who was not to
excel TagHoni ?

Did you ever know a man who did not think he could poke the
lire better than you could ?

Did you ever know a Frenchman admire Waterloo Bridge ?

Did you ever know a housemaid who, on your discovering a frac-
ture in a valuable China jar, did not tell you it was " done a long
time ago ?" or that it was " cracked before ?"

Did you ever know a man who didn't consider his walking-stick
a better walking-stick than your walking-stick ?

Did you ever know a penny-a-liner who was not on intimate terms
with Lytton Bulwer, Capt. Marryat, Sheridan Knowles, Tom
Hood, Washington Irving, and Rigdum Funnidos ?

Did you ever know a hatter who was not prepared to sell you as
good a hat for ten-and-sixpence as the one you've got on at five-and-
twenty shillings ?

Did you ever know a red-haired man who had a very clear notion
of v/here scarlet began and auburn terminated ?

Did you ever know a beef-eater go to the play in his uniform ?

Did you ever know a subscriber to the Anti-Oruelty-to-Animals
Society who didn't kick the cat?

Did you ever know a lady with fine eyes wear green spectacles ?

Did you ever know an amateur singer without *' a horrid bad cold?"

Did you ever see a cool fat woman in black in the dog-days ?

Did you ever go to see Jack Sheppard without feeling a pro-
pensity to run home and rob your mother ?

Did you ever know an author who had not been particularly ill-
used by the booksellers ?

Did you ever know fifty killed and fifty wounded by a railroad
accident, without the fifty who were not killed being congratulated
by the directors that they were only wounded ?

Did you ever know a man who did not consider that he added
ten years to his life by reading the " Comic Almanack ?"

i84i.]

JULY.

273

THE USHER OF THE BLACK ROD.

The time of holiday is fled from little Master J,,
He's going to the school instead of going to the play ;
His master is come horae^ his fate 'tis easy to forebode,
And heartily he wishes now the " schoolmaster abroad:''^
He cannot love him, though he be sweet-temper'd, 'tis in

vain,
^5^^ahle is the boy to see the sugar in the cane!
A chaise is waiting at the door, in which he's doom'd to go,
He knows and feels its very wheels will bear him to his woe;
The thing he rides in he derides, and there, for joy, would

dance
If master, chaise, and all, were safe at Pere la Chaise^ in

France !

To force a young and chubby boy to school, away from home,
'S like taking a young Regulus to Carthage, back from

Rome :
Upon his hed, more like a hoard, he cries and lies awake,
His/rMj'i is fruitless, and he feels he doesn't need his cake !
His bat is chang'd into a lawl, the rod '11 never stop.
It's always whipping bottom, now, instead of whipping tojp:
Book'd for a flogging, whether book proclaim him dunce, or

clever.
Kept from the play^rown^Z, oftentimes upon no ground what-
ever:
Penned in from good hard exercise, hard exercise to pen,
And told that slaving present boys is saving future men!

School exercise.

23. Chinese Expedition blockaded Canton.
Sailed for Chusan.

Our British Bull, whom nothing well can stop,

Directed by Victoria Regina,
Went, right ahead, into a China shop,

And set himself to work a breaking China !

Be sure he didn't preach or Cant on there ;

The expedition he had set his shoes in,
Kept fighting with an expedition rare,

And didn't stop iov picking or for Chusan!

The town was well besieged ; for Johnny took
Position up too strong to be evaded ;

And, like the wood-cuts of this comic book.
Canton was soon most thoroughly block-aided!
T

Boys

go back

in coaches.

Thrashing

time
approaches.

Now
School-
storms
reign ;
6 ^^
Begins

again
the

Hurry
— cane.

PickiD g and choosing.

Wooing in black
and white.

274 THE COMIC ALMANACK. ^l8a.U

ODE TO THE SEA:

(with interruptions).

Written on Margate sands, hy Miss Belinda Buckler shv/ry.

Oh ! lovely Sea ; sweet daughter of tlie sky !
To thee I pour my soul ; on thee I cry :
Oh ! let some sister Naiad float this way,
Lend me her wand, then 'mid the waves I'll stray.

[Here you are, my lady. Bathe you for a shilling. Comfort-
ablest machine on the beach ; and no hextry charge for soap
and towels.]

Oh ! for the merry sea-bird's wing, to fly
To where yon sunny cloud floats in the sky,
And seems a fairy palace built of light,
A happy home, where all is gay and bright.

[Try a donkey, ma'am. He'll carry you as quviet as a lamb,
and niiffink von't tire hina*]

Ocean ! how strange, how wondrous strange thy power,
At morning's dawn, or glowing sunset hour !
Ev'n now my heart earth's narrow bounds hath pass'd ;
My swelling brain for its cribbed cell's too vast.

[Take a pair o' sculls, ma'am. I'll row you a mile out and a
mile in for half-a-crown ; and there aint a trimmer little craft
in all Margate, than " Moll o' Wapping."]

All sweet emotions on thy shores abound :

All gentle passions gentler here are found.

'Twas here first sprang to life bright Beauty's Queen ;

Nurtured and cradled on thy biUows green.

[Buy a Wenus's ear, Miss? or a box o' powders to per went
sea-sickness ? Only von and sixpence the lot.]

Here soothing thoughts come borne on zephyi-'s wing,
And round the heart, like summer flowers, spring.
Sweet thoughts of love, that all thoughts else control,
And in one mighty passion bind the soul.

[Here's a prime box o' smuggled cigars. Miss, for your sweet-
heart ! or a nice little keg o' rale French brandy, for your-
self! Let you have 'em a bargain.]

While yet a child, Ocean, I loved to stand
Gazing and list'ning on thy pebbly strand ;
And, even now, the song I seem to hear —
The mariner's song, to my young heart so dear.

f Yoi-hoi ! — Yoi-ee-ho ! — Yow ! — Y'oi-ee-hey ! — Eiugh ? — Yoi-oi !
.— Oi-yoil — Ee-ow-oi-yo hough ! &c. &c.]

[.] ODE TO THE SEA. 275

Oh ! mighty, wondrous world ; what fearful forms
Of giant force thou nursest in thy storms !
Here pond'rous whales 'mid crashing icebergs stray ;
There vast leviathans with tempests play.

[Here's your perri^ankles ! penny a pint ! Winkle-winkle-winklj-
wiukle-winkle-man ! Fine fresh winkles, only a penny a
pint !]

Behold, along the beach, these beauteous shells !
In each, I ween, some ocean- spirit dwells :
Pluck we the first. It's pearly depths behold !
What hues of crimson, em'rald, azure, gold !
[Oh ! crikey, Bill ; vet a conch that lady's got !]

Alas ! I'm but a hapless child of earth ;
I cannot stray where syren songs of mirth
Are heard in coral bowers with pearls bedight ;
On me sweet Fortune never smiled so bright !

[Try your luck, marm, in the Lottery ? A musical box, two
paper nautiluses, and a piece of the wreck of the Royal
George. Only von shilling a ticket, and only two numbers
wacant.]

Ofttimes at eve, when the pale moon shines clear,
And soft winds sigh, those notes I seem to hear :
Ev'n now, methought I heard the magic strain,
Oh ! syren, sing that well-known song again !

[Nix, my Dolly, pals, fake away —
Ni-ix, my Dolly, pals, fake away.]

But, oh ! a weight oppresses my sad soul;
My spirits sink beneath its dread control.

[Ease hke !— Ease her !]

Thy boiling waves my daring footstei3S spurn ;
To earth again in grief I'm forced to turn.

[Half tuen astabx !— Half turu astarn !
Go ON !— Go on !]

Farewell ! farewell ! though I could stay and gaze
On thy bright tide, sweet Sea, for endless days ;
But earthly voices call me to the shore,
I must away ; fare — fare-thee-well once more !
{In a very small voice, half a mile off.)

[Holloa, marm, you can't get back ! you've let the tide come up all roun
you, and it you attempt to stir you're a drownded woman. Stop where
you are, and hold fast by your camp-stool till the man comes ; and heX
bring you ashore wery comfortable on his back for half-a-crown.]

276

AUGUST.

[1841

A WATER PAETY.

TEA-TOTALLEES IN THEIE CUPS.

A POET, a tea-totaller, lay losing of Ms breath,

And rhapsodizing, as it were, within the jaws of death.

Mad scraps of most perverted verse, from Campbell, Scott, or Hemans

And full of spirits, as of song, in his delirium tremens ,

He gasped a cup and coiiplet — both were finished in a minute,

Then died of drinking too much tea, with too much brandy in it

A lawyer turned tea-totaller, from drink to get reliefs.

Brief was his vow, and broken soon, perhaps, for want of briefs ;

One summer's day, near Temple Bar, with temperance to look big,

He tied its medal to his gown, its riband to his wig

"When, all at once, a sudden thirst of his resolve made sport,

The inn he turned into, alas ! was not an inn of court :

And that tea-totaller was found in a curions place to find one.

Not bright with wit before a bar, but as drunk as a beast behind one I

Tea-total

A lady with a ruby nose, and skin all blotched about, =

Who suddenly perceived that gin put her complexion out,
Soon took a " water vow," right well determined none should wai-p it,
And kept it till, one day, she fell for dead npon the carpet !
They took her up, they chafed her hand, they rubbed her temples over;
How was it, then, that lady dear did never more recover ?
Why the drunken watennan had tum'd — (some horrid death he merits),
As temperance had made water scarce — her cistern on with spirits!

It's odd what things befal men of a temperance way of thinking,
Most strange the best tea-totallers shonld always die of drinking
Soaking the stomach so with tea, as if its coats were fustian.
Yet, somehow, bursting with, at last, spontaneous combustion ;
The teapot is the sign from which, most vigorous, too, their sups they are,
Yet when they meet they're sure to be discover'd in their cups, they are ;
And when their next procession com'es, just take a notice em'sory,
How many totallers "ni.ll die of their sober anniversaiy.

11. Dog days end.

4. Ojster days begin. Milton's Paradise Lost.

Tom was a martyr — but it was to spirits, wine, and prog ;
The name that people called him by was always — Jolly Dog !
He died of surfeit — and his friends, all at a funeral splendid,
Wept tears of pious grief to find his jolly-dog days ended !

Barkinjf

CoiDpany's

Termhius

Hcuudsditcb

1841.] 2^7

THE INVASION OF BOULOGNE.

From Henry Dohha, Stolcer on Board the City of Edinburgh Steamer,
to Bill Ball, Touter to the Commercial Comjpany in London.

" 0 Criky Bil — ven i tuk my Last tender partin off yew down in the cole
ole off the citty off Heddinborow and Himprinted that here kis on the hafec-
shonat raouth of yewr sister kate vich she sed she wood newer wash off the
Blak til it wore away in the riglar Coarse off natur, litel did i think i shood
ewer cum to be puld up afore a lot of frensh Beaks and cald upon to comit
Purgatory by swaring my name was mountseer Hornree Doe insted of plain
Harry Dobbs. Arter a deal of bother and giberish, Gilty or not gilty, ses
they. Parly voo fronsy, ses i, at vich the juge de Pay (so cald i supose
becaws yew ar obleegt to Bribe him befour yew can get anny justiss out off
him) busted out a laffin ; arter vich the Porkipine du liawrepeted the kestin,
Gilty or not gilty, ses he, Non mi recordo, ses i, at vich off vent the old juge
agen, wors nor ewer the Lord mare and mister oLler, tho i ust to Think they
vas the Eumist chaps for Larkin a feler off" to the gallass as ewer i seed.
Thinks i if yew vonts to cum down uppon me with yewr Burns justiss i shal
cum down uppon yew vith my Cokes.

" But to Begin at the beginin. at Blakvall ve tuk on board a Grate menny
of the mountseers, most on em cummin down by the Stand-up train — vich
gravesend Dito and Dito Dito hern Bay and margit. Bean my 1st inter-
duxion in frensh sosiaty i may say i vos tuk i a turn astarn at fust But sune
got my steem up and vos awl rite in no time. Vot i most admires in the
fi-ensh carekter is vot devvels they ar to Drink ! theyde got lots off sperrits
vith em, and ass i say Ven yewr goin a Long viage theres nothink like
sumthink Short. Afore ve vos fairly out off the riwer the gemmen vos 4
seas over, and sich Eummy felers for Brandy i newer clapt my iis on. Allso
hosions of lemmonaid and neguss, and ass nateraly concludes amung so
menny papishes lots of pop-ery. The same of soder vater and ginger bear,
spannish juce vater and 0 sucree, so that ass the capten sed instid off^ bean
at Hern bay yew mite have fancied yewrself at the Cove of Cork. And deer
Bil alow me to say in regard of Drinkin there aint no cumpaiTison between
the 0 D V and the 0 Sucree. The fust is rely a cappital 0.

" Onfortinat the vind began to get up ven ve got into Blew vater, and sune
arter cummin on a gale vas a deth Blow to their merryment, the grate guns
Bune clering avay their pokket Pistols. From ramsgit ve run to Eye, vich
yew mite hav told by the Eye faces, and the fowl vether continnying the
mountseers vos awl sicks and sevens. Arter a vile there vos a bit of a lul,
vich yung Bony tuk the hopertunity of the sea sicknes makin him a litel
moor Sober to adres his joly cumpanyons everry 1, vich such ass dared
ventur their ankerchers from their mouths Waved em in the air cryin ip ip
huray ! in their frensh lingo, and then awl vent down into the salloon and
sune arter cum up agen Togd out ass genralls and Kernels, vich vos fine
Nuts for our felers, and deer Bill my opinyan is they vood hav tuk franse
prisoner Esy anuff only for 1 thing vich is this. Bean awl Listed ass Coman-
din ofisirs and no Privets their vosent nobdy to obay orders ven the vord vos
gev to Fire, and next time they atemts a hinwasion they must take out less
Musk and moor Muskits, and not fancy they can konker a kingdum vith
nothink but sedlits Powder.

"The 1st land ve made in franse vas Cape Greeny,* vich vos werry

* Query— Cape Grisnez ?—Eiff. Fun,

278 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184!.

appropo. But dident go ashore til ve got to neer Bulloan, ven the chap ass
had got the Live egle in the cage bean too Drunk to make him Go threw his
performenses and me haveing tuk the hopertunaty of Toggin myself out in
1 off the hoffisirs castoff sutes, jined the xpedishun ass a Vollunteer, vith the
egle atop off my hed and 1 off the Cole saks under my cote to Bring avay
the Lewy nappolions in. Ve then marcht to Bulloan and jined by several
weny Eespectabel fish wimmen enterd the barrax, vere there vos a Rigler
shindy betwixt the sham solgers and the Keal vons. Yung Bony shot 1
poor feler, ass he sed for the Meer fun off the thing and to kepe the game
alive, vich deer Bil it seems worry Ard dont it for a chap vot refusis a Napo-
lion to be put off vith a Pistole. Ass sune ass wede got kikt out of the
barrax Prince lewy gev a Permotion in honner, 1 chap vos created a Lee-
gun of honner, a nuther a Shivvileer, a nuther a Gennerrallissimmo and so
on, and deer Bill i beleav i vos created Sumthink, but not bean quite perfict
in my frensh ar unable to say vot i am, so pleas Direct at pressant ass
nuthink but Nile off the egle, and ven i No myself Betor vil drop yew ^ a
hounse to inform.

" Ve next marcht to the Hi toun vich tawk of frensh Perlitenes they shot
the Dore in our fases ; and then Repared to the Grand coUum Bilt by the
riginal Bony to comensurate the Grand viktry ass vos to have bean hobtained
by the Grand army ass vos to hav hinvaded ingland. Hear, arter bilkin the
dorekeper out off his 6 pense, the chap vot carred the standerd mounted up
to the top, and me Thinkin that vos the safist place for the pressant FoUowd
his leder vith the egle, vich as sune as ve arived at the sumat had a Werry
hextensif vew off Prinse lewy a cuttin his unlukky, folowd by his folowers
at Hi pressure spede, and awl makin for the coast ass if the dewle ad em.
In coarse the collum vos sune surounded and ve vos sumond to cum down.
Poor mountseer havein the frensh union Jak found upon him vos sune tuk
up and sent to Prisn. But deer Bil takin the Hopertunaty off a rigement off
the nashonal gards and a kumpny off the John Dams and a batalyan of the
perventif sirvis Rushin on the poor standerd barer at the Botom of the
collum i Let fly the egle from the Top and takein out the cole sak Blakt
myself awl over and rented my cloas into a meer Stoker, so ass ven they
come to xamen me Found nothink like Proof pozitif, and insted off bean
brote in a frensh Hero shal turn myself out to be nothink but a Halibi.

" Ass for the Grand army most off em ran into the vater and vos Tuk
prizners by the bathin wimen. Sum got Pepperd by the John Dams and
sum got Salted by the oshun, but deer Bil to conclude i shal newer jine a
Bony party agen as lungs i breathe, and Prinse lewy will xcuse me sayin he
Bhowd himself a Propper goose for ingagin in sich a war of Propper gander.

"yewrs Truly,

" Harry Dobbs.''

i84i.]

SEPTEMBER.

279

THE BLACK BOTTLE IMP.

September, men say, is the season of sport.

They have it at college, they have it at court ;

They have it afield, in a manner most pleasant,

By means of the partridge, the hare, and the pheasant ;

And I now ask the reason, of saint and of sinner,

Why it shoiildn't be had, now and then, after dinner ?

The guests were assembled in uniform dress,
They all meant to get at but not into a mess ; —
Dinner's over! they are not mere troops of the lino,
So the peach and the pine lend a zest to the wine:
Port, sherry, and claret, are small for a swell.
And there's one of them orders a draught of moselle i

*Ti8 brought, but, behold ! how the terror is vast,
All the eyes of the chairman are looking aghast !
And his hair's standing up, with a kind of a dread,
On exactly the place where it should stand— his head ;
And the officers round him first wink and then nod,
As much as to say, How exceedingly odd !

Perhaps they may think him absurd or uncivil;
Well a gentleman may be who looks on a devil !
A bandy-shanked, big-bellied, black-bottle imp,
With the legs of a spider, the arms of a shrimp,
A-nd a couple of feet, with remarkable toes.
That keep dancing defiance wherever he goes!

" He has kicked thro' a peach, he's jumped over a pine,

He'll murder this merry mess-table of miae ;

My senses are scatter'd, my feelings are hurt,

I ne'er saw such a devil come in at dessert !

What, ho ! turn him out !" the command wasn't heard,

For the officers answer'd him never a word !

Then he storm'd and he threaten'd, to heighten the sport,

In a manner most martial, to hold a full com-t ;

But the black-bottle devil was not to be done.

He first gave a leap, next a skip, next a run ;

And then quietly halting, right under the snout

Of the swell who had summon'd him, poiir\l himself ont!

10. Quadruple Treaty ratified, 1840.

New Chaco for
P. Aibert'3 Own.

28o THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184!

A LAMENT FOE BAETLEMY FAIE.

BY A SHOWMAN.

Oh ! lawk ; oli ! dear ; oh ! crimeny me ; what a downright sin and a

shame,
To try to put down old Bartlemy Fair ! I don't know who's to blame :
Whether it's the west-end nobs, or the city folks — confound 'em ! I could cry

with vexation ;
But this I vdW say, if it's the latter, they ain't fit for their city-wation.
What is to become of all us poor showmen, as has embarked every penny

we've got.
In learned piejs, and crocodiles, and sheep with two heads, and wax Thurtells,

and what not ?
It's werry unfair to make us an exception to the general rule of the nation ;
You orts to consider our wested rights, as free-born Britons, and allow us

*' a compensation."
"When you stopp'd the rich West Indy merchants from dealing in poor

African niggers,
You allowed them twenty millions of money ; and, surely, showing a few

hinnocent wax figgers
Aint worse than stealing one's black feller creturs, and carrying 'em off, and

treating 'em worse than swine ;
And, let me tell you, a lamb with two tails is much more preferabler than a

cat with nine.
Oh ! dear ; oh ! dear ; what is to become of us all, from Mr. Wombwell down

to the penny peeps ?
We're wuss off than the poor silenced muffin-men, or the poor unfortynat

forbid-to-go-up-the-chimbly sweeps !
It's fine talking, taking to other businesses ; and going out as lackeys and

sei-vants, ifegs !
Who, d'ye think, would take, as lady's maid or nurs'ry governess, poor Miss

Biffin, without either arms or legs ?
And what great duchess or countess would like to have walking behind her,

in Regent Street,
With a powder'd head and long cane, poor Thomas Short, the Lincolnshire

dwarf, as measures only three feet ?
Or what gentleman in the Park, driving his cab on a Sunday afternoon, would

choose
For his tiger, stuck up behind in top-boots and white gloves, the Notting-
ham youth, as stands 7 foot 3 in his shoes ?
To say nothing of the indignity of the thing : for how is a man to go to

submit to come down.
From being a Royal Red-Indian Prince, to nothing but a poor common-day-
labouring clown ?
And the Siamese twins, oh ! Gemini, they might advertise in the Times for

a cent'ry,
Before any merchant would take them into his counting-house, to keep his

books by double entry.
And now Mister Bunn's given up Drury Lane to Mister Musard and his

French and German crew,
What is the dancing elephant, and the performing lion, and the acting horses

and dromedaries to do ?

1841.] ^ LAMENT FOK BARTLEMY FAIR. 28 1 .

And the poor Albanians, with their red eyes and long hair so flowing and

white ?
By Jove, such news as this is enough to make every inch of it turn grey in a

night.
And the Indian juggler, poor fellow ! neat as imported from the coast of

Delhi,—
He may swallow swords and daggers long enough before he's able to fill his

belly!
We've all our ups and downs in this world, it's said — or, at least, used to be ;
But " Marshall Mayor" wont leave so much as a poor single Up-and-down

for we.
And one thing I must take the liberty to say, I don't see why the poor

people's fairs
Should be put down and done away with, while the rich Fancy people are

allowed to keep up theirs ;
And as for the morality, it does seem rather funny to shut up Bartlemy

Fair 0' Mondays,
While they keep open their genteel wild-beast-show in the Regency Park

0' Sundays,
Our booths are our homes ; and we've nowhere to go to when these are

taken.
They must recollect that the Learned Pig ain't a lord, like the Learned Bacon,
The learned pig may carry himself oft" to Newgate market — it is but just

over the way.
And the alligator may indulge himself shedding crocodile tears for ever and

a day:
The elephant may pack up his trunk ; for Smithfield he must abandon :
And the mare with seven feet may cut her stick, for she hasn't a leg to

stand on :
The wonderful calf with two heads had better pack up his traps and begone ;
For the Lord Mayor hasn't no fellow-feeling only for calves with one.
The pelican had better go and peck his bowsum somewhere else, and not

stop here in such distress,
A- bringing up his four little ones (with a drop of blood a-piece) to be only

pelicans of the wilderness :
The industrious fleas may hop the twig as soon as they like, for one thing is

very clear,
If they ain't ofl" of their own accord, the Lord Mayor will soon hel^ 'em off

with a flea in their ear !
As for myself, I've made up my mind what to do ; though, of course, I can't

quite keep down my sensations,
In parting with a hanimal which I have so long looked on almost as one of

my own relations ;
But I shall sell my gigantic Durham heifer (and so put an end to their

noises and rows),
And then — as the next nearest trade — I shall take to Waccination, and go
and live at Cowes !

282

OCTOBER.

[1841.

Miirowton* L

A PEOMENADi: CONCERT.

Haeper and Beau-man, and Piatt and Cooke,
I bring you into this comical book ;
Just as I've seen you blowing so hard,
At your own original Strand Prom'nade !
Harper, you're no harper at all ;

A hai-per sings as he rattles his strings ;

You don't meddle with any such things :

Your strings are your lungs, with their brazen tongues
If men don't like your play — they 'nay lump it ;

But you beat, you know, the world at a Uoii\
And it can't play a trick but you're sure to trump-it !
Beau-man ! Bowman ! I teU you what,
If you are a bowman I'll be shot ,
From a narrow chest you do not sigh ;
No quiver have you, and no big bulVs eye ;
Yet with your long bassoon so deep,
Through passages many you're heard to sweep :
Some of them light, and some of them dark,
And, whatever their measure, you hit your mark.
Piatt ! Piatt ! I can't stand that—
To call you Piatt is both rude and raw,
Just as if you were a man of straw,
Or a twister of hair, or a man at a hell,
Playing the part of a Bonnetter well.
No, no ; that is no go ;
The public never will let it be so :
You are a navigator bom.
And all your life will be rounding Cape Horn ;
Your sails will be full of fair wind to the last.
And there's no one more perfectly used to the blast I
Cooke! Cooke! you comical elf.
You never dress' d anji;hing but youi'self ;
You are no Cook, sir, although, by your fun,
I'-ve known some few people most thoroughly done;
You are "first hautboy," a tried and a time,
And -what- pleasant hours I owe, hoy, to you !

Harper.

Bowrcan.

Low note. High note. Sharp.

Flat.

A flourish of Triunpets,

^q!

2B3
LONDON LIONS.

" To mister loilyam Waters gardner to squire Brakenhurst, Pipe uppon irent
staffordsheer.
"Deer Wilyam,
"i now Take up my cast mettle pen & ink to inform yew that i arived safo
in lundun by tlie Hup train without bean Blowd to attorns, haveing proffiden-
shally tuk my plase in a fust clas caiige, wich the charges is for bean Blew to
bits in a 2nd class twenty shilin & bean Only yewr arm broke in the fust clas
30 shilin. AUso their is a 3rd clas lately aded, wear in adisicn yew may catch
a Bad cold & rewmatisum for life for the smal charge of 14 shiHn. But to return
to ariving in lundun, my i ! it is a rare plase. Off its size yew may juge wen i
tel yew i have Bean hear a weak & hav not yet seed awl. But i hav seen a grate
menny wunders — plays & conserts & cosmyrammers & diarammers & call-
and-see-ems & one think or anuther. But i wish i had cum herlier in the seson,
ass threw the fog i hav Mist a gud dele.

"Ass naturaly xpex i 1st pads my cumplements to Sent Pawl : it is a Bew-
tifuU bilding — only the lower ^ wich yew camt sea for the sut & the hupper ^
wich yew camt sea for the fog. Leastways such was the case the day i was
their : allso the Same af terwoods at "West minster aby, partickly the poets komer
bean qiute cuvverd with Khyme. And appropo i doant advize strangers to
vissit lundun like me by the Gide buke, ass i found the disadvarntige of taking
the lions ass they ar set down, namely 1st goin to Sent Pawls, then to West
minster aby, then to sent Marys witechappel then to sent Looks chelsy &
cettera. And the same of uther xibisions, ass from axual xperiance canot re-
cummend going from the sologgicle gardns in the regensy park to the sologgicles
in the SoiTy side, & then to the diarammer & then to the tems tunnel.

" But to return to sent Pawls, i went inside & was lost in Asstonishment,
partickly at the smal space ass is aloud for servess, wich deer wilyam, it is just
ass if at Trent hall master was to shut up the Drawing rume, & the dining rume
& the liberary & the sirvents awl & so forth & only live in the Butlers pantry.
After lissenin to the singin for about f of a nour i axt 2 off the beetles as was
crawling about wen theyde begin to pray, but insted off replying the 2 blak
beetles busted their selves out a laflSn & ran off like Dewles coach orses.

" My next vissit was Doory lane, which is the 1st Inglish theater going

for frensh fidlers and Jerman om bloers. The musick was verry Bewtifull
partickly the basune, which quite went to my art, & put me in mind off Deer
ome & the gi-ene feelds & meddows & evrythink — it was so like the cryin of a
yung carf that had Lost its muther. Wat aded verry hi to the Afect off the
musik was the yung gentel men & ladys a beatin time with there walkin stix
& umberrellows, wich aded to sum Humming the hair and uthers a marching
about exact to to the tune rely shows wat may be Dun in such a plase ass
lundim & ow sirvissable sich things is to improve the Nashonal taste. Allso
the same of dres, wich it cimabines the hellegancys off a maskerade & fancy
bawl, menny of the yung men bean Drest in the karecters of plowmen with
smokfroks & cettera, and uthers like hakny coach men & homynibus cads, and
sum Disgized in likker. Allso it is verry pleesing to sea how atentif the yung
men ar to the percedings, for even if a lady cums in dm-ing the performense they
woant so much ass Stir from there seats — for feerd off Disturbing the musik.

284 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184!,

" Next morning i went to take a -walk in cowen Gardin, but was verry dis-
apinted, insted off finding it Lade out in gravvel walks & flour beds, edged
with box and twiggy hosiery, was ful of shops & grate lung gallei-ys, & insted
off at 1 end a Prety litel arber like ware i ust to sit corting yewr Deer sister
mary is nuthink but a Grate church with a luminated clok & a lot of grave
stones lying about.

" AUso, deer wilyam, i musent forget the briges. they ar realy Wvmderfull
& ass for the arches i newer sea sich Archery in awl my Days. But
Wat yew woodent Like is makeing yew pay tol, just ass if yew was a boss or
a has, only with this difrance, not alowing yew to cum Bak the same day with-
out paing afresh, which the 1st time i went over watei'loo brige i ad quite a
Waterloo batel with the man about it, & wat was wuss for the unperlitenes of
the thing, a Bewtifull yung lady cuming that way, i axualy cort the feller a
Tolling the bell. But the most curus of awl the briges is 1 bilt by mister
brunel wich goes Himder the warter insted off Hover it, & in lew off entering
threw a turnpike gate as usuel, yew are obleegt to go down a Wei ole, tho for
my own part i DecUnd the later, ass the old maxum ses Let wel alone.

"From their i perceded to the blue cote skule, a wunderfull site, wear
underds & underds of litel bys & gels of boath sexxs is tort evrythink free, &
ass befour observd the bys is nown by their Blu cotes & the gels by their Blu
stokkins. Same day went to sea Gys ospital, so cawld on acount off the yung
docters makin sich Gys off them selvs : allso from there to Sent tommasses
but unfortynat coodent gane admision, not bean 1 off Sent tommases Days.
Consequensialy, wishing to have a pepe at the shiping, i inquired my way to
the flete, but insted off Old inglands wudden wals found nuthink but sum un-
comon big Stone wals & on axing a noo polease wear i cood sea a gud large
Ship or 2 was Derected to Smithfeeld.

" Amither day i went to sea the towr, wear is anuff guns and canons to
canonize old Maimit aley & all his raskly egipsions put together. Allso the
mint ust to be hear, but not off late ears, tho they stil presserve the ax as cut
off the bed off Hanna Bullion.

" Testoday i vissitted the ile of Dogs and spent the hevening at the indyan
Bow Wow, wich, deer wilyam, a indyan Bow Wow is the same thing ass a
inglish Row de Dow. But to conclude, deer wilyam, in spite of limdun & awl
its wikkidnes i shal be glad to cum down to deer natif stafordsheer agen, for
ass i say, Ome's ome after awl — wen yewr munnys spent & deer wilyam, giv
my Tru luv to yewr sister mary & beg her exceptence off the inclosd smawl
trifl off a steal bodkin wich i wood have maid it a silver thimbull but unfortynat
wayed moor then ^ a ounse, & deer wilyam, if theirs anytliink i can dew for
yew in lundun doant say no, i wood go threw fire and warter to serv yew, but
pleas to send the munny, & rite ass sune ass yew can, not forgeting to pay the
post, wich is ass folios namely for |- a oz, 1 peece of stikkin plaster, for a hole
2 ditos or 1 Blu un, for 1| oz 3 ditos or a Blak & blu, and so on up to a pound,
abuv wich, as a pork pi or a stilton chese or anythink of that sort, it wood be
Beter to send it by the Eale rode or pikfords van. So no moor from yewr
umbel sirvent

Ralph Roughmamond."

1841."

NOVEMBER.

285

mf^^^ ^•

ON GOOD TERMS.

Termagants.

Througli air as

dark as
dirty muslin,

TERM-AGANTS.

Gather, sweet Lawyers, in Westminster-hall ;

There's more game in your bag, than a sportsman e'er shoots:
You feed, and you're /ed, let whatever befal;

And your flowing gowna cover your sins and your suits,
Who says that yours isn't a right royal sport,
When it's known that you all make your fortunes at Court ?

5. France in a state of spontaneous combustion.

France is a powder magazine,
A sort of foreign infernal machine —
A barrel of brimstone, of odour ambrosian,
Apparently brewed for a " triple X"-plosion !
She's been fermenting her beer for years !
She laughs in her frenzy, or revels in Thiers—
For war she'll riot, at peace she'll scoff.
And she wont go on till she does go off!
She's quite in a " fifth of November" state.
To blow up some one at any rate;
If Guy Fawkes were over there— my eyes !
She'd make him a Peer— as the Duke of Guys !
She'd have her Monarch in air be blown ;
Not one of the throne, but the overthrown !
And when he was shivered to atoms, she'd wait
To pick up his bits to bury in state !
She'd shoot at him till he was quite unnerved
And then address him on being preserved. '
But a King— to say it I do not stickle-
In such Si preserve must be always in pickle !
I wouldn't be Louis-Phihppe, I say,
If 1 had a thousand Louis a-dav.
To be King in a land of such whimsical slaueh
'S like being a Monarch inside of a mortar !

21. Princess Eojal born, 1840.

CHADLE HEE (ifOT HYIIN).

As you're born in a palace.

It's clear you must not
Be permitted, young baby,

To sleep in a cot:
So they've stirred up their wits,

With invention's pap-ladlc,
And determined to give you

A Nautilus cradle ;
Most loyally certain,

Whate'er it may do,
It will ne'er make a naughfu lass.

Baby, of you!

Duke of Guys.

The city peoplo

a-guzzlin.

Lords in wa

286 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1B4I

A LONDON FOG.

l^ow, the sun, after a vain attempt to catch a glimpse of St. Paul's, or the
Monument, gives it up in despair ; while his morning herald, Lucifer, finds the
iog more than a Lucifer match for him, and goes out like a damp Jones-and-Co.
of a windy night. Now, the sleepy housemaid is in a fine trepidation, on dis-
covering that her missis was right in giving her seven-o'clock ring an houi
ago; she (the maid) having just counted eight in full, on the kitchen clock.
Now, hook noses and cries of " clo" are more rife than ever; and, somehow or
other, silver spoons and forks disappear more frequently from the " domestic
hearth." Now, the poor behind-hand city clerk, who must be at his desk, in
Lombard-street, by nine (it is now half -past eight hj Lambeth Palace clock), de-
termines to sacrifice fourpence on the Iron-boat Company ; and, having passed
an agonizing ten minutes in the cold, sloppy cabin, is at last annihilated by the
steward's infomiing hun that, in consequence of the denseness of the fog, the
captain has determined not to run the boat this morning. Now, invisible cab-
men drive unseen horses along viewless thoroughfares, and omnibusses go,
flitting like so many Flying Dutchmen, through the mist and fog. Now, the
two 5'oung gentlemen who have a coffee-and-pistol appointment at Chalk Farm,
find it anything but agreeable to be set up only three yards asunder, instead of
having the length of Primrose Hill between them, so as to have had a reason-
able chance of missing one another. Now, a walk in the neighbourhood of
Smithfield is by no means improved in its desirableness; it was bad enough
before, but nothing to what it is iinder the " Bull's new system." Now, young
Government clerks, who have to trudge " from the west," as they call it
(namely — Marylebone-lane, " Chesterfield-street, Portland-place," and so forth),
are highly indignant, and more than usually vituperative of the superiors of
their departments, whom they commonly describe (particularly if of a political
turn) as vile sinecurists, " grinding the last drop of blood from the brows of a
suffering people, to pay for their own pleasures, and to minister to their own
inordinate desires !" Now, nursemaids not " accustomed to the care of children"
(in a fog), suddenly find their tender charges minus divers coral necklaces,
ostrich feathers, gold lockets, &c. &c. ; while the interesting young lady who
leads dear little Fido about the parks, in a string, and reads Lord Byron the
while, is horrified on finding that, for the last half hour, she has been engaged
in dragging after her a mere remnant of blue ribbon. Now, omnibus cads only
shake their heads in reply to your most earnest appeals and uplifted fingers,
tor their vehicles are all full, and can take in " no more." Now, " blacks" come
down intoiTcnts ; and coal-heavers and chimney-sweepers are the only persons
that can show a decer t face on the occasion. Now, wood pavements are in
nice condition ; pai-ticilarly that in the pleasing bend by St. Giles's church ;

where

" They slip now who never slipped before ;
And they who always slipped now slip the more."

Now, housemaids do their work in no time ; for it's of no use looking out for
raps from chamber windows. Now, on the 5th. little boys exhibit their Guys
in all parts of the town ; and, on the 9th, " children of a larger growth" mak9
Guys of themselves all the way from G uildhall to Westminster and back. N ow,

1 84 1.] A LONDON FOG. 287

everybody has got a shawl, comforter, boa, or bandana, round his or he neck — •
except the philosophers, who appear in respirators ; the result of which is, that
the shawl,, comforter, boa, and bandana-ites, escape scott free, while the philo-
sophers catch most confounded bad colds and sore throats. Now, unhappy is
that mamma who has a juvenile party for an excursion to the Monument ; for,
of course, they'll all twelve cry their twenty-four little eyes out — equally if
they go and can't see anything, or are kept at home because nothing is to be
seen. Now, on the river is confusion worse confounded, and smuggling is
going on most prosperously in all its branches. Now, the " old traveller,"
just arrived by the Antwerp packet, who icill carry his own portmanteau and
great coat, finds, on stopping to change arms, at the nearest post, that one or
other of the commodities has disappeai'ed while he was comfortably adjusting
its fellow. Now, telegmph captains and vf eathercocks have a nice easy time of
t, and the guide to the York column is gone to see his cousins in the country.
Now, men with wooden legs look very independent, as they stump over the
slushy pavement ; and people who have the misfortune to possess complete sets,
are sadly perplexed at the crossings of the Koyal Exchange,' Chaiing Cross, and
the Kegent's Circus. Non', hare skins and worsted comforters are hung out
prominently at the haberdashers' shops, and furs, " at this season," are, by no
means, " selling at reduced prices." Now, the man "wot lights the lamps" in
St. James's Park, is in a regular state of bewildennent, and not unfrequently is
found running up one of the saplings instead of the lamp-post. Now, the
young gentleman who has an assignation in the "grove at the end of the vale,"
begins to wish he hadn't been quite so urgent in the matter, and would give
his ears for a decent excuse to be off the bargain. Now, honest John Sloman,
the grocer, at the comer of Cannon-street, in consideration of the werry orrid
state of the weather, is inveigled by his wife and daughter to visit one of the
promenade concerts ; to which end, having never been at a promenade concert
before, honest John provides himself with a stout cane and his easy walking
boots, warranted to do four miles an hour over any turnpike-road in the king-
dom. Now, clubs are crammed, particularly the Oriental, where enormous fii'es
are kept up , and the chilly old nabobs cling round one another like bats in a
cellar. Now, as the plot (alias the fog) thickens, torches make their appear-
ance ; fii'st by dozens, then by dozens of dozens, then by dozens of dozens of
dozens : Charing-cross is as difficult to navigate as the North-west passage,
and the parks are impossible; hackney coaches di'ive up against church win-
dows ; old men tumble down cellar holes : old women and children stand
crying up against lamp-posts, lost within a street of their own homes; om_
nibus horses dash against one another, and are handed over to the knacker; a
gentleman, having three ladies and a young family of children to escort homo
from Astley's (on foot, of course), is in a nice predicament; all the little boys
in London are out, increasing, by their screams and halloos, the bewilderment
of the scene (scene, did I say .') ; pickpockets are on the alert : ditto, burglars •
policemen are not to be found ; watchmen are missing ; in short, the whole town
\a in such a state of commotion and panic, that it only requires a well-organized
banditti to carry off all London into the next county.

288

DECEMBER.

[1841.

:5^

A STIKEING TIME.

Puddings, as well as people, begin to go to jjot;
cooks, as -vvell as drunkards, get their coppers hot.
Lemons excel hj^ocrites in getting candid: currants,
from house to house, like crooked legs, are landied.
At moist sugar, instead of white, the busy servants
jump ; and wisely begin to like that which they can-
not lump. Mothers who beat their children, whenever
the whim comes in their head, now actively betake
themselves to heating eggs instead. The family as-
semble, but it's no longer "my lovely Eose," or my
SAveet William, with his pretty stock, the flour of the
Christmas pudding is now the flower of the flock!
Father, the only one who never would to their low
obscuiity demur, is now just as anxious as any to join
in a general stir Ambition, alive in his breast, awakens
a mighty siirprise, to think that he, who was always
mincing matters^ should begin to mince pies ! and they
prophesy, as he rakes the plums, in the bowl of China
or delf, that he'U live to a Christmas-day that shall
see him worth a plum himself. " How fond he is on 'em
all," says nurse, meaning to be clever; "I declare
he's a mixing loith Ms family more than ever !" " Yes,
nurse," responds his spouse, who thought she could
do no less, " your master's acting the part of presi-
dent of the family mess /" and so on — nothing whatever
then- placid temper a-spoiling, imtil the loudding's
made, and tied up, and shut down, and in the copper
a-boiling !

21. St. Thomas, the shortest day.

He who is short of tin, with rent to pay,

'S a great deal shorter than the shortest day ;

Rent is heart-rending, when it's over due,

Four quarters, and no quarter but to sue :

You strain your nerves for cash, with great and small,

Only to be distrained on after all ;

And meet, when in the woi'st of mortal messes,

A fresh distress to crown your old distresses !

25. Christmas Bills :—

Alarming accounts for China.
A British Settlement. /

Dc Porkey's Tresor.
Shortest Day.

So dark, I can't
see my hand.

1841.J 289

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR..

Christmas comes but once a year ;

By Jove ! it hadn't need come more,
Unless it wants to ruin me

Outright, and turn me out of door !
That horrid fit of gout, brought on

By neighbour Gruzzle's Christmas cheer
I thought it would have kill'd mc quite ;

But Christmas comes but once a year.

I very seldom touch a card,

For gambling's not at all my sphere ;
I wish I hadn't played last night !

But Christmas comes but once a year.
In drinking, I'm most moderate :

Oh ! my poor head : oh, dear ! oh, dear !
Why did I taste that nasty punch ?

But Christmas comes but once a year.

I do not often play the fool,

And join in romps with younger folks ;
But where' s the stoic can resist

When pretty lips so sweetly coax ?
" Come, nunks, one game at Blindman's-buff;

There, turn round roast beef — never fear !"
A nice lumbago I have got ;

But Christmas comes but once a year.

I'm rather fond of gardening.

And curious plants deUght to rear :
The best, my mistletoe, is gone;
But Christmas comes but once a year.
The tree that on my natal day

Was planted by my father dear —
The holly-tree — is stripped quite bare ;

But Christmas comes but once a year.

My kinsfolks— cousins, nephews, aunts.

All come to dine on Christmas day ;
It's been the custom many years

(Which Heaven forbid should fall away) :
But scarcely had they all arrived.

When down the snow came, dull and di-ear—
So deep, not one can get away ;

But Christmas comes but once a year.

2()0 THE COMIC ALMANACK. I184I

Of course it's very nice indeed

To liave one's kindred thus around ;
And hear one's old paternal walls

With sonff, and dance, and mirth resound.
But, then, they've taken all the beds :

And lying on two chairs, oh ! dear ;
Up in a garret — where there's rats —

But Christmas comes but once a year.

The London gentlemen I met

At Drury-lane, when last in town.
Have writt'n to say, if all goes right,

By this day's train they're coming down.
I know I was a leetle sprung

That night, and by their note it's clear,
I've asked them all five to my house :

But Christmas comes but once a year.

My wife, in honour of the time.

Would have a friendly Christmas ball ;
They've danced a hole right through the floor,

And ruined quite the party wall.
And daughter Ann has fall'n in love

With some poor dev'l, not worth, I hear
Enough to pay the parson's fee ;

But Christmas comes but once a year.

The servants, too, must have their rout

(I love to see them gay and glad);
But then they needn't all have got

So very drunk — and very mad;
And give one warning " then and there,"

And bid me " take my beef and beer ;"
And beg I'd "pay their wages up :" —
But Christmas comes but once a year.

The Christmas bills are pouring in,

My family's increasing fast;
Four girls, five boys — Ann, Kate, Jane, Sue,

Tom, Dick, Jack, Fred, and Prenderga^t :
And nurse has just come in to say,

Another " little stranger" dear
Is just arrived — there, that makes ten :—
But Christmas comes but once a year.

I84I.] 291

BOTHERUM ASTROLOaiOUM PEO ANNO 1841.

Vr OTE now, oh ! reader, the (lenotements of my prophet sketch :
-'-^ open your eyes upon the symbols which I symbolize. Behold
the Cross and the Crescent in neighbourly- collision ; yet the Crescent
is not Burton Crescent, nor the Cross, King's Cross, though these
localities approximate in as close degrees : but they tell of Europe
cooking the Goose of a Pacha for the Turkey of a Sultan ; and, by
this time, the bird is plucked and basted, and may be considered as
thoroughly done. Witness, too, how the dismayed tee-totaller
gazes on the wreck of the Chinese world below. But Bull is in the
heart of the shop ; no juggler could save the jugs; every cup is a
cup too low ; the plates are dished entirely, and the case of cruelty
is equal in atrocity to the murder of Ware. Now is exemplified
the difference between a Man-cZarin and a daring man. It is break-
iug-up time, but no holidays. Loud is the music of Handle among
the crockery, but its verbal oratory is demolished by the entire
annihilation of spout. It is going to po^ with a vengeance, and
occasions, in China, the perfect distortion of every human mug. Tea,
however, is scarce for a season. They refuse to give us their green
for our gunpowder : they mix their mixed with poison, and it ia
now " How queer !" instead of " Ko^v-qua /" They refuse the bid-

ag2

THE COMIC ALMANACK.

[184I.

ding of Pidding ! But turn from hieroglyphic revealments to the
signs and prognostics of the domestic world. Is your curiosity
moved to interest in the play of Destiny ? I then will act the part
of Tell. Upon the palace of Victoria I behold the shining of a new
sun ; the hopes of royalty may now be hoy-ed up, and a fair young
passenger lately arrived by the first royal train will move to another
station, and take a place lower, by reason of what has taken place*
I see the world settling, like cards, into pax. Peace coming Si-pace-is :
war we shall pose with repose. The poHtical horizon shows clear.
There will be an improvement in the State ; and notwithstanding
the recent explosion of Dr. Church's engine, I foresee no danger to
Church. On the contrary, the sun will shine on Parson's Green >
and, as regards the revenue, there is every chance for a surplice ;
probably owing to the New Church rate at which the said engine ia
going.

DR. CHUBCH S ElfQINE.

LATEST NEWS FEOM COUET.

Nov. 21st, 1840. — Princess Eoyal brought in, and " ordered to
be laid on the table," like a hill. i

Dec. 3rd. — Bill Jones found under the table, and ordered to bo
sent to the Counter like a willain. (" So much for Buckingham /";

A little girl, a stranger in the palace

Came, and the nation there was nothing sad in ;

Aladdin's lamp then brightened joy's full chalice.
How very different when they found a lad in !

The little hoy's intrusion proved annoyant,

The little girl made all a little buoyant ?

1841.] 293

OKiaiNAL NOTES.

FEOM THE

BIRMINGHAM MUSICAL FESTIVAL for 1840.

Sept. 23. — Birmingliam Musical Festival. — Ordered a cab ; made
for Euston-square Station ; landed awkwardly ; got into jdoH ; ran
against a man ; trod on his toe ; gave my own port-man-teau to the
porter. Paid my fare ; had the satisfaction of hearing the clerk
say, " That's the ticket !" Was told 1 must be sure to shew it
when called upon ; said, " Yery well ;" always did like to have some-
thing to shew for my money. Travelled briskly ; steam engine a
giant apparatus — a sort of Colossus of Eoads ; found they'd got me
into a line ; couldn't help it ; obliged to go ; been a long while going.
Arrived at last; put up at the Hen and Chickens; thought, from
the sign of the house, charges might be fowl ; agreeably sur^^rised
to find them fair.

Monday. — Attended rehearsal. Splendid hall ; grand interior ;
glorious outside ; ruined the builders. Brought the stone from the
Isle of Anglesea ; sent the architects to the Isle of Dogs. Good re-
hearsal ; noble orchestra ; organ finely developed. Knynett acted
non-conductor ; stamped as if he was paying stamp duty ; very
droll; took the flats in, put the orchestra out. Glorious array of
singers : Miss Birch stuck to her perch ; Miss Hawes obeyed the
laws; Dorus Gras — made no faux 2^ as ; Braham's throat gave tenor
note ; Phillips shone in barritone ; big Labi ache gave bass sans taclie ;
Cramer led with cap on head ; Loder and Cooke played by book ;
Dragonetti and Linley worked very well-o, on deep contra basso
and violoncello ; bassoon of Beauman bothered no man ; horn of
Piatt came in pat ; Harper's trumpet obligato, capitally took its
part-o; Cook played show-boy with his hautboy; and, to end without
a blunder, Chipp's drum had, its leather under, half a ton of smothered
thunder. Heard 'em play ; remembered the railroad, and couldn't
help thinking that I'd got off the line into the chords.

Tuesday. — Festival began. Shop full; a crammer for Cramer.
You've heard of the Chiltern Hundreds, they're nothing to the
Birmingham thousands. The seats were all uniform, but no uni-
form for the staff officers, only ribbons in their button-holes ; beaux
with bows. Singers came on, and performance went off admirably.

Wednesday. — Town crowded ; weather wet, but the X3eople pour-
ing in faster than the rain ; music hall made fine shelter ; full
again; Mendelsohn's hymn of praise produced lots of praise of
him ; people delighted ; performance stupendous ; singers tired ;
PhiUips almost knocked up ; went out to refresh himself ; strolled
too far, and was quite knocked down ; robbed of his purse by three
brutal button-makers ; he treated them to some sovereigns ; they
treated him to an extra allowance of punch ; he was bruised con-

294 THE COMIC ALMANACK. |_l84l.

siderably, but his watcli and his barritone escaped without injury ;
heard a tallow chandler say, that PhilHps and Mendelsohn were
the heroes of the day, but that Mendelsohn had the glory of the
composition, and Phillii^s of the ivhacJcs !

Thursday. — Influx of nobility — nobs and bobs — Sir Robert Peel
among the latter.
Friday. — Festival over ; grand fancy ball at night :
Drinking, dancing, all revel, no rest ; proggery, toggery, all of
the best ; whisking, frisking, whirling about, till daylight comes ,
driving the candle-light out: then tired, not fired, their pillows
they clinch, and the festival's come to its very last pinch.

MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.

Know ye the wight one frequent meets,
With brazen lungs around the streets

Soliciting a job ?
His head in shovel-hat encased,
His legs in cotton hose embraced,

And nick-named " Dusty Bob ?"

Yon hold in small account, no doubt,
One who " dust, oh !" doth bawl about,

Yet low as his estate.
Some philosophic thoughts belong
To him whose time is passed among

The ashes of the grate.

Still, these are matters all apart
From thy design, my muse, who art

Just now intent to tell
An episode of humble life.
That was with courtly manners rife.

And thus the chance befell.

" The rosy morn, with blushes sj^read,
Now rose from out Tithonus' bed,"

Which means, the world had set
(For these are unromantic days)
About its work, and gone its ways,

Forthwith to toil and sweat.

Among the many that arise.
To pay their morning sacrifice,

That is, to Juggernaut,
Themselves beneath Aurora's car,
With Pagan zeal yonr dustman ar<j

Beyond all others fraught.

841.] MANNERS MAKE THE MAN.

In sooth, to speak, we would not choose
To state these fellows ever snooze,

For bitter as the bore is,
Nor night, nor morn, in square or street,
Can one go forth, but he must meet,

These grim "memento moris."

But to my tale : at break of day,
Up rose the hero of my lay,

With hope his spirits buoy'd ;
And ever as he fill'd his cart,
He felt a space beneath his heai-t

Establishing a void.

Loud and more loud the murmurs rise,
Like an u^olian harp, whose sighs

At first breathe gently ; but
Wild music from its bosom springs.
When the wind howls among the strings,

And agitates the gut.

Though Bob knew nought of ^olus,
He learnt, from this internal fuss,

'Twas time for breakfast now ;
Or, as he said, " for bit and sup,
His innards was a kicking up

Sich a unkimmon row."

'Twas thus intent on dejeuner.
Our hungry dustman took his way,

In search of fitting food :
!N'or long his quest, until he came,
Where a spruce, gay, and buxom dame,

Behind a counter stood.

And, as with horny fist he smoothed his hair.
He thus bespoke that lady debonaire :
*' Cut us a slap-up slice of Cheshire cheese,
And tip's a twopenny burster, if you please."
Here, 'tis befitting to relate the guise,
In which Bob met the gentle lady's ej^es.
A poll with matted carrots thatched,
A face with mud and smut bepatched,
A neck and chest scarce half begirt
With a lugubrious, yeUow shirt,
A slip of waistcoat here and there,
V Breeches, a demi-semi pair,

And not a vestige of a coat —
Such was our earthy sans culotte.

295

2g6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184I

WTien such an apparition met her view,
What was most natural the dame should do ?
Straightway address her dainty self,
To seek the treasures of her shelf?
Or clap some musty, antiquated crust,
Between the fingers of the man of dust ?

The latter, doubtless, and it so fell out ;
Turning, with ill-dissembled scorn, about,
The lady-baker hardly deigned to drop
Into his palm the patriarch of the shop ;
A venerable roll, a fixture there —
A household nest-egg of the houlangere.

Here, a domestic mouse had, long ago

(Soon after it was dough),
Wreathed him, as Thomas Moore would say, "hia
bower"

Among the flower :
And happened, accidentally, to be

Chez lui,
When madame put the piece of antique bread
Into our dustman's hand, as hath been said.

Now, let me ask, had Chesterfield been placed.
What time his chyle with exercise was braced.
To make his meal from ofi" a living mess,
D'ye think my Lord had kept his poUtesse ?
Or acted, as did Bob, the man of dirt.
Who, on the instant that he did insert
His thumb and finger in that roll so stale,
Pull'd out the squeaking vermin by the tail ;
And seeing that the bak'ress looked aghast
Upon the means she gave to break his fast —
Blandly observed, "There's some mistake in this,
I didn't ax you for a sandwich, Miss !"

t84i.J 297

BEAl^DY AND SALT.

The wonderful cures effected by these ingredients have made such a noiso
in the world, that we cannot resist the temptation to publish a few facts and
testimonies which have fallen under our immediate knowledge.

The first case was that of a poor man, who had been for years a martyr to
the gout, and being desirous of trying the effects of the miraculous compound,
but unable to purchase the ingredients, he tried another plan, and perfectly
succeeded in removing every symptom of inflammation, by merely sitting a
quarter of an hour with one foot in a brandy-keg, and the other in a salt,
box.

THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A CORRESPONDENT.

" Dear Sir, — May I beg your insertion of the following ? — I was terribly
afflicted with cancer, heartburn, chilblains, thickness of breathing, warts,
headach, numbness of the joints, deafness, sore throat, lumbago, toothach,
loss of appetite, falling off of the hair, corns, &c. &c., when 1 was recom-
mended to try the newly-discovered panacea ; and, I am happy to say, after
two bottles of the stuff, I am perfectly recovered. You are at liberty to make
what use you think proper of this letter.

" Yours most obediently,

" F. Flam.

" N.B.— None but the best French brandy will do, some very fine samples
of which are on hand at my Warehouse, No. 991, Gammon Street, Hoax-
ton."

FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT.

" sur — i Take the libberty of adressing yew about the brandy & sawlt. i
was aflicted with dredfull lownes of sperits & rewmatism wich having freely
aplide the abuv has boath Disapeard. sir my way of Aplying is the sawlt
outside wonst a day & the brandy in twice evvery our. its effex is sumtims
realy Asstonishing. my wife allso takes the abuv Meddisin in her tea, &
finds grate bennifits.

" sir yewr Most obediant

" TuMMMAs Spooney.

" P.S. — sir a neyber af min Tride the abuv on his wife bean Bad skalded
kiling a pig but Unlukky forgot to Put in the sawlt. owevver it was awJ
Verry avcI, for the brandy aloan Cured his wife & now he's got the Sawlt tfl
Cure his bakun."

ASSOCIATION OF BEITISH ILLUMINATL

[The foUowivg Extracts from the Proceedings of this illustrious Body,
at the Meeting o/1840, will he read, no doubt, with the interest they
deserve.]

Some very curious statistical and general reports were made by Mr.Colley
Wobble, on the street refreshments of London. It appeared that the pro-
portion of baked potatoe receptacles, or, as they were commonly termed,
•' hot tator cans," over kidney-pudding stalls, was as six to one. Of these

298 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184I

cans one in seven was surmounted with lamps ; one in three had a spare
valve, to let oif steam ; and five out of nine used condensed Dorset scrapings,
averaging about fourpence per pound. The kidney-pudding stalls appeared
to confine their stations to the neighbourhoods of the minor theatres, and he
could trace the effect of their nourishing principle in those thrilling and pas-
sionate outbursts, which melodramatic actors threw into such phrases as —
"It is my daughter!" "Begone, sir! and learn not to insult virtuous
poverty ;" and the like class. Some of the stalls were embellished with
singularly curious transparent lanterns, representing theatrical subjects on
their four sides.

Mr. Bobbledabs inquired what species of light was burnt in.side these
transparencies ?

Mr. Colley AVobble defined it as produced by the combustion of atmospheric
air, acting on a half-consumed continuity of a twopenny thick, set in argilla-
ceous candlesticks. He was led to make these observations from having
perceived a hole burnt in the lantern, where the candle had tumbled over.
The learned gentleman added, in continuation, that one of the most favourite
exhibitions was " Kerim and Sanballat fighting for a kidney-pudding, from
Timour the Tartar." He had likewise observed William Tell shooting a
kidney-pudding from Albert's head, and Mr. Stickney riding five kidney-
puddings at once for a horse — he meant to say — that is — the Association
would know what he meant.

Mr. SnufFantupenny inquired if these piquant preparations were expen-
sive?

Mr. Colley Wobble estimated the general price at one penny each. When
purchased, the vendor made a hole in them with the nail of his little finger,
and poured in some warm compound, out of a blacking-bottle, with a quill in
the cork. The liquid had been analyzed by Mr. Faraway, and was found to
contain one part fat, one part furniture oil, two parts infusion of melt, and
sixteen parts of hot water, with dirt in solution.

Mr. Gambado then read a talented paper on " The imaginary barrier pre-
cluding pickled whelks from the tables of the aristocracy;" and having
finished, he begged to propose a Committee of Inquiry — why boiled crabs
were sold at three a penny in Union Street, Middlesex Hospital, when you
might purchase four, for the same sum, on Kennington Common ?

Mr. Bobbledabs trusted his talented i'riend would remember that Kenning-
ton Common was nearer the sea-coast than Union Street.

Mr. Gambado sat corrected. While they were on the subject, however,
he wished to say a few words on the connexion supposed to exist between
the anatomical school of the said hospital — that was to say, the Middlesex —
and the number of shops for the sale of old bones and doctors' phials, with
which Union Street abounded ; and why so many dissecting cases were to
be seen in the window of the pop-shop at the corner.

Dr. Corfe thought the reason was obvious. The scalpels hybernated with
the watches towards the end of November, and the students were thus,
unavoidably driven to use penknives for lancets, and the small ends of tobacco-
pipes for probes and blowpipes.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For iS42.

300 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842. :

BEFORE DINNER, AND AFTER.

Guests were assembled — formal, jorlm, and staid —

The conversation did not yet come pat in ;
The bachelor fonnd speeches ready made,

The ready maid looked twice as hard as Latin ;
The lord was stiff — the lady half afraid

To spoil her silh dress with the chair she sat in !

A dreadful dull demureness fill'd the place ;

Boom-attics might be caught on ih^i first-floor ;
No racy word from all the human race

There gathered — nothing to create a roar —
Weather and poetry their themes of grace —

They talked of snow, and Byron, — nothing Moore.

There broke no pun upon the startled ear —

Nothing the soul of etiquette to smother ;
None were at home, but each on each did leer,

As who should say, " You're out," and " Does your mother ?"
Their words were dry, and yet they did appear

To throiu cold water u])on one another !

They stood, or sat, like lumps of social stone.

Their ivlieel of life went round, yet no one spolcc ;

Or, if they did, not speeches from the thrown
From horse or gig, were more devoid of joke ;

The little fire that, in the grate had grown
Dim, had a longing for a stir, or poke.

The hes were stupid, and, it might be said,

The shes were as uneasy as the hes :
It was all heavy there, and nothing led

To anything, but minding Q's and P's ;
While every heart was absent, every head

Ran upon " soup, fish, fiesh, fowl, tart, and cheese."

Nothing was on the carpet, when there came

This bright announcement : — " Dinner on the table !"

Then wagg'd the tongues, which soon began to frame
A young confusion, like to bees, or Babel,

And each face wore a smile, that quite became,
Just as a doctor's bottle wears a label.

Before dinner and aftt

1842.] BEFORE DINNER, AND AFTER. 3OI

Dinner pass'd over — they were quite genteel ;

The wine went very fast and freely round ;
None vulgarly, that day, took malt with meal,

But stiU in the hest s;pirits all were found ;
As they sat at the table, they did feel

As if their soles would never touch the ground-

The cloth was cut, and the dessert was spread.
Fresh bottles crown'd the hospitable board.

Their jolly cheeks grew fast from white to red;
So pass'd the wine — their bark of life was moord

Quite safe in fort, while head did nod to head
Familiar as the scabbard to the sword.

Now grew the conversation fast to fruit.

The fruit had grown already very fine ;
The wine produced no whining, and, to booty

No epicure refined about the jpine ;
But Love did all around his arroivs shoot.

Lanced from his heaux against the ladies fine.

Each Miss's joke now made a pleasant hit.

No lover's sally could be deem'd a miss '
Less stately, too, the dowagers did sit —

They let their feelings loose on that and this ;
Their tongues, in fact, were hridled not a hit —

The prude would have said "thank ye" for \ ^.iss.

The guests gave out a host of best good thiag^,
By way of compliment to their good host ;

Brim full of eloquence, a friend npsprings.
And hopes that he will always rule the roasi

The praises of the helles another rings.

And turns, at once, " the Ladies " to a toast.

So freedom reigns ; whereby it seemeth clear
That people grow most cordial after dinner ;

Till then, the dearest woman seems less dear.

The thinnest gentleman's thin wit grows thinner ;

The cheerful will be cheerless, mthout cheer —
You must have meat and drink, as you're a sinner !

302

JANUARY.

[1842.

THE GAIETIES OF TOM GAD. ,'

i
Off goes Tom Gad, while Jolin his iai

Stands holding his Bags so handy :
Mary behind, with thoughtfuluess kinri

Is there with a bottle of brandy.
Master is going — (oh, how they'll be missing him
When he's in London) — and Missus .-s kissing him !

i^V

\d\itt '

10. King of Hanover claims some of the Crown
Jewels of England.
" To lose for want of asking is ao joke I"
'Twas just like Ernest, though mjest he spoke.
20. West Middlesex Assurance bubble burst.
Creditors in the suds.
i^Ciy*^) \ Like coining gold appear'd the plan, when new,

But soon they found their Mint was turn'd to Bue.

Short days.

Send prosers to pot,

AVho are dry and statistical,
And rather drink egg-hot,
Than be eg-ot-istical.

Tom's journey ended, begins his spree ;
Slap into the Bull and Mouth drives he.

°/'<^».<^

Ringing a peaJ and Ringing a belle

1S42.J 303

KINGING A PEAL, AND RINGING A BELLE
Or, The Pippy Correspondence: a Diary of Love and Inundation.

Mr. Pippjys Valentine.

This elegant production was painted on a sheet of paper with a lace border,
and presented a singular mixture of sentiment and improbability, viz. — a little
boy, in a species of undress which the police would certainly prohibit from bo-
coming the general fashion, riding in a car, like an enormous periwinkle shell
turned topsy-turvy, upon wheels, and drawn by two pigeons — a proceeding of
which every thinking mind must admit the impracticabihty, since the atmo-
spheric resistance of the birds' wings could never afford sufficient fulcrum to
draw so large a vehicle with any momentum, especially with cowslip collars
and rosebud traces. — [See Proceed, of Chawturmut Lit. and Scien. Inst., p.
30.] A church with a pointed tpire and two windows was seen in the dis-
tance, perfecting this tasteful composition of protestant mythology. At each
corner were intricate red loops, like mud-worms in convulsions, termed true
lovers' knots ; and below were eight exquisite and novel lines, of which we
present the reader with the termini, leaving him to fill them up as he pleases:
— "heart — smart,'' "languish — anguish," "flame — name," "you be minc-*-
Valentine.''

Miss Celia Potts to a confidential Female Friend.
Oh, my dear Charlotte,

What do you think? Mr. Pippy, the yoimg apothecary, who came
down here to take our union of fourteen parishes at £20 a-year, has sent me
a Valentine. Not a common, impudent penny one of an old maid, witn ca*;-3
and parrots all about her, but a beautiful picture of a little Cupid— such a
love I — riding in a thingemygig, drawn by two what-d'ye call-'ems, with — oh,
my ! — eight lovely verses underneath. I know it's from him, because it's
scented all over with the best Turkey rhubarb and oil of peppermint, and I
found a small piece of pill adhering to the envelope — how a trifle betrays tHiG
secrets of the heart ! My mind is all in a titter-totter — do come and see me.
Chawturmut, Yours very sincerely,

Feb, 14. Celia Potts.

III.

Mr. Pippy to Miss Potts.
Adored Colia,

The auricles of my heart contract with accelerated circulation as I pen
these lines. I can no longer conceal that my love is as firmly fixed upon you,
as with a solution of gum-arabic. Are your aftections free forrne? and may they
be taken immediately, and repeated every four hours with one of the powders'?
— alas ! I scarce know what I write. I have already directed a dozen
draughts to the wrong people : one old lady has swallowed half a pot of ring-
worm ointment, and Mrs. Jones has been rubbing her little boy's head with
lenitive electuary. You alone can write the prescription that shall administer
to my incertitude. Ever devotedly yours,

Phineas Pippy*

304 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843

IV.

3Iiss Potts to the confidential Friend.

My dearest Charlotte,

We have given a small party, and lie has formally proposed. He was
very timid at first, but it was the red wine negus that did it, for Mamma
very kindly made it pretty strong, and gave him a good dose, immediately
upon my singing — "I'd marry him to-morrow." He says he has loved me
" ever since he first saw me at church in that beautiful cloak.'' My dear, it
was my old pelisse, which I had turned, made into a capucine. and lined with
blue Persian ; but love gilds everything by its magic : possibly it converted
my last year's straw bonnet into a Tuscan chip. It is pouring in torrents,
and they say if it goes on we must have a flood. He is sitting at his surgery
window, looking at me, between the red and blue bottles, with a spy-glass.

Yours ever,
Feb. 20. Celia.

Mr. Pippy to his friend Mr. Tweak.

My dear Tweak,

How uncertain is everything in this world ! I was to have been married
to-day to the loveliest of her sex, but the floods have so risen, that nothing bat
the roof of the church is visible. It began yesterday morning, when the canal
banks broke, and increased with such rapidity, that I was compelled to spend
the day on the dining-table, and am now driven to the second floor, with no
provision but a flask of lamp oil and some tooth powder. The sick paupers of
the Union I attend have just arrived on a barge, which has got aground on the
bridge. The bell-ringers, also, who were practising in the belfry when the
irruption took place, are fast enclosed therein — the doors being under water,
and the windows too small to get out at. They are ringing for help, and the
sound is awfully painful, as it was to have been my bridal peal. A letter has
just been brought by Tom Johnson, in a mash-tub, from my adored Celia ; I
liasten to read it. Yours ever,

Peb. 23. Phineas Pippy.

VI.

Miss Potts to Mr, Pij^py.

Dearest Phinny,

Do not, I implore you, think too much of Hero and Leander. Our rustic
Hellespont is far too cold for you to plunge into and swim across, and such a
proceeding might excite the gossip of our neighbours. Let us endure this
trial with patience. The waters are certainly abating, as the French bed
in our back room is now visible, and John has caught three fine eels in the
pillow-case, which I send you, as well as my pet Carlo, who will swim back
with any answer you may have to send.

Yours very affectionately,

Celia Potts.
vn.

{Extract from the Chawturmut Gazette.)

Married, on the 28th inst., Phineas Pippy, Esq., to Celia, daughter of
Anthony Potts, Esq. The ceremony, which was delayed by the late floods,
was performed as soon as the waters sufiQciently fell — the party going to the
altar in a punt.

tS42.]

FEBRUARY.

305

^ K4fs ^ •• Av - ^ I Bio !^^

Look out below^
above a ioke.

Tom Gad, a swell, in a town hotel,
Is breakfasting like a king ;

Besides his proggery, lots of toggery-
Hatters and tailors bring ;

"\Miile John declares, he's blest if ever ne

Look'd so smart as he shall in his livery !

14. Crockford cuts the cards, and throws up
the game.

When Crocky, after many rubs,
On gaming turn'd his back,

'Twas just as though the king of cluhs
Were shuffled from the pack.

IG. Lord Cardigan's trial and
acquittal.

21. The Pennard Cheese.

" Not guilty, on
my honour."

A mighty fuss about a rnity cheese

From Zummerset, Her Majesty to please ;

A wrong foundation sure its fame was built on, — •

So mighty high — it must have been a /Stilt-on.

26. Explosion of the great projectile in
Essex. — Lots of calves frightened to
death, aU for the public weal.

28. Conviction at "Worship-street, for selling
spurious T, which shows the necessiT
of avoiding an uncertainT.

30^ THE COMIC ALMANACK. t^^4^'

VALOUR AND DISCflETION:

tHl5 ANCIENT AND HONOURABLE LUMBER TROOP.

{From their Private Despatches.)

It is at all times a pleasing task to chronicle heroic deeds, and wc hasten
to immortalizo the proceedings of this gallant body of veterans during the
past year. Amongst their most daring and successful attempts, have been the
taking possession of Eel Pie Island ; the storming of the baked apple-stand,
at Temple Bar ; the blockade of Bolt-court, and the celebrated passage of the
Paddington Canal, under the direction of General Blackrag, the great city
undertaker, to whom the attack was entrusted, from his experience, as he
himself stated, in marching at the head of the corps. He was ably seconded
by his usual auxiliary. Dr. Bluelight, the former providing the shells, and the
latter the mortars, the combined eflects of which produced terrific execution.
From the usual habits of the troop, it may readily be conceived that counter
marching was the manoeuvre at which they felt most at home ; in fact, the
only idea they had of " a regular march,'''' was the one between February and
April. During their encounters, tbey have given and taken no quarter, except
an occasional fore one of lamb ; whilst their imdaunted courage was well
shown in the speech of Ensign Miggins, who declared "that he would never
s.hrink from coming to the pint, even against a rampart of quartz;'^ and his
unshaken energy in bearing the standard was never known to flag, firm as its
contemporary in Cornhill. Their acknowledged love of card-playing having
induced some unpleasant gambling transactions, it has been resolved, by the
head of the members, to prevent all legs from bearing arms in their body ;
and a late regulation orders the colour of their plumes to be a deep crimson,
not only as emblematical of blood and glory, but from its precluding the possi-
bility of any one, at any time, showing a lohite feather. It is truly delightful
to contemplate the harmony which reigns amongst them at present ; and it
it somewhat remarkable, considering their aptitude for catches of all sorts,
that they have made no prisoners. The only approach to anything like dis-
cord in the troop, was upon the occasion of the dispute relative to a contem-
plated attack upon Burgundy and Madeira ; but even this added to the general
harmony, since, although the dinner service was demolished in the contention,
this one war was productive of one hundred peaces; and it furthermore enabled
the members to present to their friends several unique pieces of plate, at a
small outlay. We are indebted to their laureate for the following —

WAR SONG OF THE LUMBER TROOP.

Blow forth the clarion's pealing sound,

Your voices raise on high.
And send the bottle quickly round,

To drink to victory ;
The campaign to the champagne yields.

The festive board invites,
Extinguish every thought of care —

Blow out your very lights t

But ^lorv is a. Win' o" thind I shaunt pursue no furcler._

° ° 8! RDOfREDOM SAWIN.

1842.] War song op the Lmii3ER troop. 307

Our march in glory's briglit career,

All other troops surpasses ;
For, whilst they charge their fellow men,

"VVe only charge our glasses;
No tears our conquests e'er await,

Nor bier, with trappings sable,
They — leave their dead men on the field,

We — ours, beneath the table !

At Waterloo^ a fearful game

The trumpet call began.
At three card loo we win our trick,

And trump it — when we can :
The verdant hays the chaplet form,

For which the warrior prays —
A different game we sti-ive to win.

Not for, but on, green haize.

The ranks that join in onv piquette,

By deep o\di files are form'd ;
We keep no watches but our own —

Our posts are never storm'd ;
Our own reviews, in brilliancy.

The " Quarterly" outshine ;
Our only challenge is to take

A glass of generous wine.

And should we ever take the field.

Our troops would be found fast ;
^]^\ie first might trust to our support.

For sticking to the last ;
And ever, upon equal terms,

Our enemies we'd meet,
For, did they treat us with a ball,

We would, in turn, retreat.

HIGH TEEASON.

March 16. The boy Jones found feasting in the larder iit the
palace.

Why, what a scandalous piece of disloyalty,
To want to be picking the mutton of royalty I

3o8

MARCH.

[1842.

III.

Tom Gad, my eyes! to his own surprise,

Is learning Low to dance ;
Wherever he goes, he'll point his toes

As gentlemen do in France :
He'll be the pink of a London beau —
Quite the fashion, and all the go !

7. A wooden spoon presented by an
old woman to the Queen.

All the spoons of the nation soon made

known their wishes,
To be speedily plunged in Her Majesty's.

dishes ;
Yet 'twas found to be useless to take any

more,
For the spoonies at Court were too many

before.

14. Reported destruction of the Falls

of Niagara.

'Twas said that the Falls, with a terrible
din.
Had fall'n from their perch on high ;
But now it falls out that they ne'er fell in,

And so 'twas a fals-i-ty.
'Tis shocking to spread such news appall-

ible,
About these Falls, which are still infall-
ible.

Ddacma

pTttcTcsinf

Call practice.

Finishing lesson.

High and Low Water

1842.] B<^9

HIGH AND LOW WATER.

A LETTER OY THE LIONS OF LONDON.

^From a Young Lady hi Town to her Friend in the Country J'

Polite Letter Writer,

I KNOW, my dear Ellen, you think me to blame
For not writing once, since from Olnmpsted I came ;
But, what with the whirl and confusion of town,
I declare I have scarcely had time to sit down.

We are now in " The Season ;" by fashion's blest laws
Always fix'd at this point of the twelvemonth, because
To mope in the country's a terrible thing,
With nothing to watch but the progress of Spring,
As its cowslips and primroses burst from the ground,
And nought but the chirps of the wood-birds resound.
But how different London — one scene of delight !
Sights and concerts by day, balls and operas by night.
And we've all been so happy, so busy, so gay.
With one drawback alone — it has rain'd every day !

You cannot conceive, if 'tis not pointed out.

How quickly in London you travel about ;

So I'll tell you, all fabulous narratives scorning,

The various places we saw m one morning !

Our lodgings we left about half after nine.

And, taking a coach, we drove off to the Shrine

Of the Chapel at Bethlehem, whence we could glance

At the fine church of Auch, which you know is in Franco*

Next, into the famed Polytechnic we dropp'd,

And there, a few minutes, at Canton we stopp'd ;

Then quitting this spot, with despatch just the same,

By the route of Pall Mall, into Syria we came

At the Kineorama — a tour rather fleet.

Since to Egypt you pass, without quitting your seat,

From whose ancient relics, time-worn and corroded.

We reach'd St. Jean d'Acre just as it exploded.

(To make my accounts with localities tally.
The fortress I mean overlooks Cranbourne-alley.)
And after we'd travell'd these scenes to explore,
We got home to dine, at our lodgings, by four.

We've attended the second interment of Boney ;
We've heard Sophie Loewe, and seen Taglioni ;
Whilst Nisbett and Keeley, in London Assurance,
Have kill'd us with laughter, beyond all endurance.

3IO THE COMIC ALMANACK. L^^4^'

Witli respect to Haitzinger and Stoeckel Heinefetter,
AVe fearlessly state, we have heard many better
Amongst our own people, deserving more praise.
Not omitting the young Infant SapjDho, whose lays
Forced a cockney to state, against eujphony sinning,
Entranced by her strains, that " her vays vas quite vinuLvj .'"

We climb'd up the stairs to the Monument top.

But it pour'd so with rain that Papa wouldn't stop.

"We saw nought but the Thames and the fog, I declare,

Or, as Tom quoted, " nil nisi pontus et aer."

So we went to the Tunnel, because, as Pa said,

There, at least, we should have a dry roof o'er our head ;

But we very soon found, to our horror and fright,

That the river, presuming it still had a right

To keep its own bed, and annoy'd at intrusion,

Broke in all at once, to our utter confusion,

And, had we not flown at the top of our speed.

You ne'er would have had. this epistle to read.

But I find I have come to' the end of my sheet.
And the postman is ringing his bell in the street ;
So, -svith hundreds of kisses, I'll finish forthwith.
Believe me, love,

toujow's a toi,

Mauy Smith.

S OME excitement has been caused among the learned bodies on the
Continent, by the discovery of a new Chlorine Bleaching Fluid, of
novel and unexampled powers, the invention of which is due to Pro-
fessor Jiigler, of Scampsburgen. Not only has it the power of
removing the most permanent stains from a person's character, but
it also clears the most muddy conscience in the course of a few
applications ; and a small quantity applied to the head as a lotion
is gradually absorbed and filters through the brain, removing in its
course all unpleasant reminiscences and uncomfortable thoughts.
Its mollifying powers have been tested on a number of the hardest
substances, including the heart of a metaphysician, which, in a few
seconds, it entirely humanized. Diluted with water, and sprinkled
on the floor, it purifies Houses of Parhament, Lawyers' Ofiices,
Private Lunatic Asylums, Cheap Schools, and Race-course Betting-
stands ; and, used medicinally, a few drops, taken internally, blunt
the intellect, and if administered before a trial, will totally destroy
any souvenir of a former event that it may be deemed advisable to
get rid of in a principal witness. We ought in justice to add, that
^he Mnemonic Tincture was also the discoveiy of the talented Jiigler,
fvhich is equally useful in causing persons to recollect things that
^ever happened at all.

1842.] REGISTER OF INVENTIONS FOR 1841. 3 II

Photographic Portraits. Whilst the Adelaide Gallery and Poly-
technic Institution of London are vying with each other for supe-
riority in producing those remarkably pleasant-looking and cheerful
representations, Mons. Le Coeur, of Paris, has adopted his new
system of taking them, which it seems he addresses especially to
young engaged people. The optical structure of the human eye, it
is well known, forms a Camera Obscura, by whose action the linea-
ments of the loved one are correctly stamped upon the heart. The
chief difficulty has been experienced in fixing the pictuie so formed;
for it appears that, after marriage, there are few, if any, traces of
the features that were impressed there hefore.

Amongst the Patents taken out during the past year, the Poly-
glossographic Adamant Steel Pen ranks high in estimation. It is
particularly recommended to the notice of the public, for the facility
with which it enables people, not only to write in any language
they like, but to transcribe with grammatical elegance.

The Parvenu Medium Point is invaluable to those ladies and
gentlemen who have experienced a sudden rise in their fortunes ; as
it saves them from exposing their want of education to their
epistolary friends.

The Platino-Zincoid Poetical Nib will write Stanzas to Mary,
and lines to a Moss Pose, in any quantity; peculiarly adapted for
Albums and Fashion Books. To paid, regular contributors to
Annuals and Magazines, who revel in the mill-horse style of writing,
it will be found of incalculable advantage.

The Eomance Ehodium Quality will furnish tales for newspapers
at a column an hour, vaiying in thrilling intensity, or historical
epoch, according to the ink used, which may, it appears, be procured
with the pens. The N'ewgate "Writing Fluid is the most popular
at present.

The Patent CircumslogdoUagizing Leader Pen will prove highly
advantageous to gentlemen of the Public Press, from the facility
with which it produces leading articles on any popular theme. We
had the satisfaction of trying a Corn Law pen, which answered
admirably ; and we hear the ingenious inventor has manufactured
Chartist, Commentary, and Abusive pens, on the same principle, as
well as Review Nibs.

The Engineer of the iSTorth-south-east-western Counties Railway
undertook, for a trifling wager, to travel at the rate of twenty miles
a second, and actually arrived at the appointed station some time
before he quitted the terminus ! He states that this intense velocity
is obtained by using gin and water in the engine, instead of water
alone, which imbues it with a species of temporary intoxication.

The Leviatlian steamship, to run between England and America,
will be launched early in the Spring. Great fears are, however,
entertained as to whether tliere will be room enough in the Atlantiii
for her to turn round, without damaging her bowsprit between
Liverpool and New York,

312 APKIL. [1842.

IV.

Tom Gad to-day will go to the play ;

Who does Tom Gad meet there ?
Two pleasant men, whom he'll meet again,

And a lady fresh and fair.
A lady —fie ! — upon my life,

Tom Gad, ye divil, I'll tell your wife.

6. The will of Wood of Gloucester litigated.

LiNDLEY Murray states that will indicates s, future;
Sir Matthew Wood finds a. present derived from a loill.

He scraped all day — he scraped alway—

He scraped from stocks and stones —
If he could have sold his flesh for gold,

He'd have scraped his very bones.
Gold was his good — ^untired he stood,

For nothing but gold did please.
Till he rested his bones, 'neath the churchyard stones,

And left his Leg-at-tees.

9. One Boa Constrictor, at the Zoological Gardens, swallows
the other.

The cunning serpent in the park
One day was feeling rather hollow.

So took his brother /or a lark,
Or, just as likely, /or a swallow.

11, Military Flogging on Sunday — Lesson for the day.

"Good day, good deed ;" — when simpler method fails
(Thus thought the proud Bashaw of many tails),
That teacher sure will mend the slowest dunce.
Who uses NINE Quich reasons all at once.

Over-head and Under-foot

1842.] 313

OVER HEAD AND UNDER FOOT.

Bailie Mucklescratcii dwelt at Glasgow, in the Candleriggs. lie waa
what is called a " warm " man ; that is, one who had rubbed on well in the
world, as indeed it is probable most of his customers did, the Scots being a
people celebrated for playing the rubber of life. The baillie kept, in American
phraseology, a " store" — in London vernacular, a chandler's shop ; a bazaar,
whose staple consisted of oatmeal and red herrings, esculents in great esteem
north of Tw^eed. It has long been the opprobrium of philosophy that no
satisfactory reasons have been assigned for the proneness, in Caledonia,
tow^ards porridge and salt fish. With unqualified satisfaction the announce-
ment is here made that their large pewter Minerva medal will be presented,
at the next meeting of the British Association, for the best treatise on the
" causes and effects" of a taste, evident on the most superficial glance at the
natives of that country. He also kept an only son, Sandy Macalister Muckie-
Bcratch, who kept but that is not part of our present affair.

Now, though the elder Mucklescratch evinced no ambition in selecting a
worldly position for himself, he had an itching about the appearance of his
heir. To this end, after a course of "humanities" at home, he consigned
him to a member of the College of Surgeons, an establishment renowned for
the sobriety and decorum of its disciples. No youth since the days of
Esculapius was ever in so fair a way to dignify the profession of medicine as
the young Glasgovian, if his own account was to be believed ; and who was
BO likely to possess the real facts of the case ? To be sure, the honour was
not attained free of expense ; but could it enter even the heart of a Scottish
chandler to suppose that his son might carve at the same table with Sir
Benjamin Brodie, or Sir Astley Cooper, without sharing the cost of the enter-
tainment. Day by day accounts arrived from the medical student : those
who observed their effects upon the receiver might have concluded they were
not quite satisfactory ; but w^hat could be expected from an old fellow who
lived upon " cock-a-leekie" in the Candleriggs? Fortunately, some of these
letters have been preserved; we copy one, to show the progress made by the
writer in other composition as well as that peculiar to Materia 3Iedica. ■

" Governor, — Science can't be purchased without dibbs. When wo want
subjects, we must shellrout. My share, for next lecture night (as there will
only be four of us), will take the shine out of a ten pound stiff. Send the
price of the spread, old trump, to your dutiful son, " Sandi'.''

However well calculated such studies might have been to procure patients
for the son, they dealt differently with the patience of the father. Indeed, it
can hardly be held unreasonable that a man who had existed for half a century
on fourpence a day should feel a little disposed to inform himself how ten
sovereigns could be required for the fourth of a supper bill. Full of this
natural curiosity, the man of groats went to Edinburgh, embarked smach for

314 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842.

London, and presently domiciled himself on a lower floor in the neighbour-
hood of Upper Gower Street, where, as the bill in the window implied, " gen-
tlemen were taken in, and done for." The traveller was weary : with his
nightcap mounted, and his chamber's light ignited, he was about to seek
Nature's restorer. What scared him from his purpose ?

The clock had told ten, and in the drawing-room apartments vertical, four
of the " Won't-go-home-tillmorning" club assembled to pass the da^j. " Gen-
tlemen," shouted the chairman, " here's confusion to all order ! Now the
Charter chant, if you please, with honours." Then rose the company, and
while each executed a rigadoon to his particular taste, all pealed forth in
chorus —

" Long life to jolly drinking !
Send round the wine like winking ;
The liquor's free,
And so are we —
Hurrah ! for jolly dnnking !"

Thus, from night to morn the carouse continued, and each returning sun
was the signal for its repetition. There was but a choice of evils for the
ground-floor tenant— to remain where he was, and be killed by the inch, or
rather, hy the foot, or pay a se'nnight's rent for a night's lodging — which
would have despatched him at once. All day did the miserable meal-man
seek his hopeful, with sorrow, and no success, and all night (truth compels
the confession) over the sire's head did the son perform tho dance of death.
A shocking bad life was " Sandie" leading : both the elder and the younger
Scot were pursuing the M.D. af^er a fashion Maxime Dejlendum. The
weekended, leaving the Glasgow magistrate with just enough of life to assist
him back to the Candleriggs. A trusty friend in the Great Metropolis, how-
ever, was commissioned to discover the retreat of the prodigal, and compass
his restoration to the disconsolate parent. After a time, and a rigid stoppage
of supplies, this was efiected ; and Macalister Mucklescratch's career of dis-
sipation ended, as many a similar course has terminated, in his being sent to
the Old Baillle !

Far north as he was born, the ancient Scot had a warm heart. Kindness
worked its accustomed office ; and it was not long before the prodigal son
became the pride and comfort of his father's house, A pleasant thing it is
to see the pair seated together, and hear the old man, with glistening eyes,
repeat his especial hon mot. " Eh, Sandie, ray lad, when you and I were
practising * above' ' below,' wha would ha' thought it would have ende^ id

'All's Well!'"

1842

MAY.

3^5

Tom Gad, for a lark, attempts Hyde Park,

All for to ride on a horse ;
Which meets his spur with some demur^

And kicks without remorse.
Tom Gad, about Achilles' statue,
How all the people are staring at you I

12. Mr. Muntz complains of the ventilation of
" the House," and advocates " more hair.''

29. Eestoration day. Hearts of oak cut their

sticks.

''To witch the world with noble horsemanship."

While all the rest are riding at their will,
The poor hack-author wags his weary quill ;
Fave through his garret-roof he knows no rein ;
No stu'-ujy, but when publishers complain ;
No shay drawn up for him ; pegg'd to the shop, he
Must hear no cry of hounds — but " copy, copy !"
He knows no hunter but the printer's devil.
Comes to no checks but those when critics cavil,
Or such as touch his raw, if he's a feeler.
When driven to drive a bargain with a dealer.

Eless mc! there's a Flea.

Drcft Horse. Hunter and Hack,

Seller and Buyer

3^6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184a.

THE SHOP AND THE SHAY.

"Our life is twofold," Byron says ; and it's very certain that we pass an
equal part before and behind the curtain ; — from the chandler, whose trade's
his prop, and contrives, all the week, to stop behind the counter of his shop,
in the midst of red-herrings and spht peas, French eggs, Prussian blue, Irish
butter, and Dutch cheese, with many other articles similar to these — but
Sunday he gives up to ease ; and, " cutting the cheese" for the day, with his
shay, makes a little display, and off for a trip drives away, with his wife in a
toilet most gay, to 'bide by his side, with the piide of a bride, for a ride where
their own wishes guide.

Then there's the gentleman some folks call a fop, who lodges very near the
house-top, and dines off a solitary chop, in a coat too worn even to pop, and
which no old clothesman would swop — thafs the shop ! — Then he turns out a
dandy complete, to swell up and down Regent Street, with neat poHshed boots
on his feet, not in dread of the friends he may meet, nor anxious to shuffle away
— thafs the shay !

And next, Mrs. Brown, in a fright, that her seventeen daughters, in spite
of their figures so slight, and eyes bright, do not marry as fast as they might,
detennines her friends to unite, and sends out to each an invite ; and all the
day's in a sad plight, herself putting up each wax light, in order that all may
go right, as she trusts the hlanc mange will be white, and not spoilt by her
own oversight; and, by evening, is ready to drop — thafs the shop! — And
when night comes, rewarding their pains, her daughters, in mousselain-de-
laines, with flushed cheeks and quick-throbbing veins, to the cornet-a-piston's
shrill strains, are flying about with their swains, whom they hope to entrap
in their chains, as fast as a set of mail trains ; and all is as gay as a bright
summer day — thafs the shay !

And the young opera danseuse, who goes to learn how to walk on her toes,
or study each elegant pose, to an audience of empty pit rows, in her toilet
of everyday clothes, with her cheeks pale as death, and her nose, from the
cold, almost coideur de rose, the which she incessantly blows, as she goes
through each posture and hop — thafs the shop .'—And, at night, from her
place at the wing, she comes on the stage with a spring, and plaudits through-
out the house ring, at the sight of so sylph-like a thing, and her lover's the
son of a king, roimd whose neck her white arms fondly cling, until pulled aloft
by a string, she floats on a bright canvas sunbeam away — thafs the shay !

And the poor scribbling author, whose will is a few brilliant thoughts to
distil, that may flow with his ink from his quill : w^ho grinds his brains just
like a mill, in his garret deserted and chill, and thinks till he makes himself
ill, in the hopes that his pockets may fill, when the publisher praises his skill,
and who trusts, from his efforts, to reap a good crop — thafs the shop! — And
when his said work proves a hit, and the sharpest reviewers admit, that it
shows many traces of wit, and he's thought for their coteries fit, and soon of
his debts can get quit, no longer obscurely to flit, but soar in the day — thafs
the shay !

The Shop and the Shay

1^42.] 3^7

MISERIES ENOUGH FOR THE YEAR.

To find it a rapid thaw when you have purchased a new pair of akates,
and have invited a party of ladies to see your performance.

Getting soaked through, on your way to the Epping Hunt, and being told
that you have only taken your share of the Eastev-dews.

Driving your feet hastily into a pair of new Wellingtons, in order not to
miss the train (time and boots a tight fit), and finding, by the feel, that the
straps are at their bottoms ; — ^boot-jack not to be found.

Being asked to dine, on a New-year's day, with a family, in which the
children always expect presents.

Taking a box at a theatre for the express purpose of hearing the wonder-
ful new vocalist, and finding, when you get there, only " indisposition" and a
stale comedy.

Being " not at home*' to an old friend, and coming downstairs, in a for-
getful fit, before he has had time to leave the house.

Bowing, in your usual bland and afJable manner, to a gentleman in the street,
whom you recollect, as soon as he has passed, that you ought to have kicked.

" Popping the question" in a pair of tight boots ; the lady seeming in no
hurry, and to enjoy your agony.

Going out to be godfather, and remembering, at the proper crisis for pre-
sentation, that you must have left "the" silver cup in some omnibus.

To be interrupted while writing a Bill-et-doux, by the recollection of a bill
over due.

Being asked to carve, if you are a musician or literary man.'

Being compelled, in a party, to sit down to whist; and hearing your
favourite part in an Italian quartet, which you had studied for a week before,
sung by a murderous wretch whom you long to strangle.

Writing an appointment to a lady, and a disappointment to a tailor, and
cross-directing them.

Paying your rent punctually, on quarter-day, to your landlord, and being
distrained on the next day by his landlord.

Having ascertained, by a peep down your friend's area, that there is a
turkey on the spit, and calling, accidentally, of course, about dinner-time, you
feel rather sheepish when the cold mutton is brought up, and learn, in the
course of the evening, that the kitchen fire had been lent for the dinner party
of the next-door neighbour.

Abusing a person whom you have never seen, to a respectable-looking
stranger, who, after apparently nodding assent, with the patience of a martyr,
quietly observes that he is the man. The unpleasant anticipation of loose
teeth, as you see him making up his hunch of Jives.

3i8

JUNE.

[1842.

Tom bets apace at Ascot race :

Ah, Tom, it's all a do !
You're backing yellow, you stupid fellow,

And look, the winner's blue !
There goes, Tom Gad, a twenty pounder
As flat, you are, as any flounder.

Starting Post.

Wear}^ and wet, the traveller meets a post,

No Morning Post — but one of dreary night,
That looks, beside, so very like a ghost,
That he — no upstart — yet starts iip in fright,
Wimiing Post.

And at the finger-Post his finger points,
Trembling, poor gentleman, in all his joints ;
Then up comes Tom, a fellow of good heart,

And says, "I say,
That Post is meant to Ha^ald you your way ;
It is no ghost :
Keck and Neck.

In Hamlet's play it does not take that part,
And here's a reason why you should not start-
It's not a starting- Post y
The ivinning-Post — that is to say, the goal.
Vaulting ambition's route from pole to pole,
Kacers.

Where, neck and necJc contending, Greek meets

Greek,
Leg folloAvs leg, the strong defeat the weak,
Where score the graceful racers o'er the plain,
And the whole game is one Leger-de-main.

Floored by the Leger.

Hedging a Bet.-

"Walking over the Coarse.

Don-Caster.

■ ^ ^"^ksUk,

Up-hill and Down-dale

i842.J 319

UP HILL AND DOWN DALE:

NARRATIVE OP AN ASCENT TO THE SUMMIT OF PRIMROSE illLL.
BJ- MESSRS. POl'KINS AND VULT.

The celebrated Primrose Hill, whicliis estimated to be nearly one bundrcJ
feet above the level of the Kegent's Canal, forms one end of the great chain
of the Metropolitan Alps, which comprises the respective hills of Highgate,
Ludgate, Snow, Saffron, Mutton, Addle, Tower, Corn, Constitution, and
many other peaks. Whilst the enterprises of Sherwill, Clarke, De Saussure,
Auldjo, and others, had carried them to the summit of Mont Blanc, and M.
Agassiz had overcome the hitherto impracticable Jungfrau, and given their
published accounts to the world, it is somewhat strange that no narrative
has hitherto been published of the ascent of Primrose Hill. To supply this
void in our literature, as well as to furnish an account to Peter Parley, wliich,
in the event of his refusing, I should have sent to the " Penny Magazine,"
I was induced to undertake the excursion. Although the time of year was
somewhat against me, yet, from the noble offer of Mr. Vult, whom I met
casually in the diving-bell at the bottom of the tank in the Polytechnic In-
stitution, I determined, at all risks, to make the attempt.

On inquiry, we found that the charity boys of the district schools were best
acquainted with the localities, and we therefore engaged four of them as
guides. Their parents did not seem to comprehend our intentions, but pos-
sibly this arose from reluctance to allow their children to join our venture :
but we overcame their scruples by olfers of liberal payment, and named the
eldest (" Plucky Simmuns" as he was familiarly termed by his fellows) as
our chief guide. AVe also contracted with a broom merchant in Kentish
Town for our ice-poles.

The next morning at nine o'clock, and in a deep snow, we left the Albany
Tavern, amidst a crowd collected to see us start ; and crossing some palings
and a piece of broken ground, prepared to ascend. Our progress soon be-
came one of extreme peril, as the snow had been collected from Park Village,
and shot out on this waste, forming vast hills, which required great labour
to surmount. Once I completely stuck fast, and before I was extricated
nearly left one of my cloth boots behind me. Our respiration also became
very difficult, evidently from the rarefaction of the air at so great a height,
although Mr. Vult persisted in attributing it to the hot rolls we had eaten
at breakfast. We crossed this large confusion of snow, which we presumed
to be part of the Chalk Farm Glacier, and were astonished, on arriving at the
opposite side, to see a man in these wild solitudes. He was evidently a
child of the mountain, and proffered for sale an article he termed "ginger
cocktail," which he assured us would prove most palatable. We bought
some, and went on.

The conduct of our guides was most remarkable : in circumstances of the
utmost peril they betrayed a levity almost unnatural, and more than once
took to snowballing each other, as if they had been on level ground. We
continued to ascend until the dreary waste of the Hill opened on us in all
its awful grandeur. No living thing was visible, and the earth below was
fading in the misty distance, leaving no trace of its existence but the tops
of the tall chimneys on the Birmingham Pailway. Once, and once only, Mr.
Vult fancied ho heard the squeak of a train coming iu : this might or might

320 THE COMIC ALMANACK* [184^.

not have been tlie case. The cold was most intense, but we had made up
our minds to succeed or die, and we pushed bravely up the last slope.

At half-past eleven we reached the summit — and never shall I forget the
eventful moment. My companions partook of my excitement, with the ex-
ception of Mr. Vult, who having had the care of the brandy flask in the
ascent, and not being a teetotaller, had indulged in so many tastes, that his
conduct was most unscientific. He insisted on trying to waltz with Sim-
mons, and threw his new hat at a bird that flew over our heads. A passing
breeze carried it down the Hill with as much ease as if it had been its name-
sake production of the fields — the work of the Aranea Sylvestris, or Gossa-
mer Spider of Linnaeus.

With respect to the view, so dense was the fog reigning around, that we
saw nothing beyond twenty yards from us. What lay within that radius
was, however, very magnificent, consisting of a deep layer of snow, broken
only by our footsteps. In answer to my inquiry of Simmons, if avalanches
were common in the winter, he replied, with much candour, " That he didn't
disactly know, but he believed there was lots of nuts and brandy-balls, now
and then." Having satisfied our eyes, we prepared to act similarly towards
our stomachs : and we were glad to find our elevated situation had no other
effect upon our animal economy than wonderfully increasing our appetites.
The guides feasted at a small distance from us ; their provision consisted
principally of cold bacon, which they had tied up in their neckcloths, where
it acted as a stiffener. We allowed a bottle of Guinness amongst them,
fearing, if we gave them more, they would get confused, and unable to find
their way down again. After dinner I proposed "Prosperity to Science,"
which Mr. Vult insisted upon giving with three times six, and finished by
falling down on the snow, quite overcome. The sentiment given by Plucky
was simple, and indicative of pastoral feeling. He merely exclaimed, as he
slapped his hand against his yellow-leather indispensables, " Here's luck !"
and drank up nearly all the bottle at a draught, to show how much in earnest
he was.

I wrote some notes in pencil for our friends to keep as souvenirs, and made
several scientific observations. On endeavouring to ascertain, from the fall
of the mercury in my barometer, at what height we stood, I was surprised
to see no traces at all of the mercury on the index plate. I subsequently
found Mr. Vult had tumbled on it, and all the quicksilver had run out.

As afternoon advanced we prepared to descend, dreading lest night should
overtake us in these wild solitudes. Our guides showed us a method of
coming down the declivities, at which they seemed very expert. They sat
on the snow, and glided down with the rapidity of a railroad. Not liking to
trust myself alone. Plucky took me behind him, and we got down safely. Mr.
Vult, however, over valiant, would go by himself, and consequently, after
sliding at a fearful rate, he suddenly disappeared, having, as we imagined,
slipped into some tremendous crevice of the glacier. We found that he had
fallen into a hole where the railway navigators had been digging for clay,
the water in which had got slightly frozen over, and then covered with snow.
This accident somewhat checked our ardour, but we congratulated ourselves
upon its fortunate result. At length we reached the level ground, and re-
turned to our inn, highly gratified with our excursion, although we would
recommend no one to undertake so perilous a task frotn mere motives of
curiosity,

i842.]

JULY.

?«2t

Champ

agne. ^^i-

Tom Gad has stray' d to a masquerade,

Where there's row enough for a wake ;
All dress'd np false, he begins to valse, —

Oh, what a precious rake !
If your wife knew, Tom Gad, Tom Gad, now !
Upon my word you are too had now !

Real Pain.
1. Chimney-sweeping Act in force. — Machines
put up, boys put down.

Ice-Cream.

Veil ! gone is all the profit as I reaps ;

A sveeping clause has done avay vith sveeps;

Our lads vill into hevil courses rush,

The boys has got the sack, and mustn't brush ;

Their hindignation's most uncommon hot,

Because they mustn't go no more to pot ;

Scraping's guv up — but, in a many shapes

They'll be a getting into other scrapes.

Dominoes.

I puts my young 'un in a bran new suit,
And when he's rigg'd, the gallows little brute

Goes rolhng on the heel.
" Ullo," says I, "you're spiling of your togs;"

Says he, "D'ye see,
It's all along of love for the old trade :

Tongue and Chicken.

Father, I vos a sweep, as vonce you knew,
And still I likes to be all over flue P

Census return. All tlie madmen included.
0 ! iacilis decensus — easy 'tis

From intellect to go dowTi into madness,
"Which now's reflected in its every phiz.

And every form of goodness and of badness
Return' d before us at the land's expense,
A census true of all its want of sense!

322 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842,

BLOOD HEAT AND FEEEZING POINT.

'Tis a bad plan to fight, whatever be
The provocation — just attend to me,

And you'll ne'er rue it ;
Although with rage you find your fingers burn,
As obstinate as Grissel's masons turn,

Only instead of striking — never do it.

Even when struct, never return the How ; —
Bloio the return 1 your independence show ;
Put up with a put down— let no regards
For empty honour tempt you to exchange
Your pasteboard challenges, however strange,

But cut the cards,
Then shuffle off yourself ; declare no war ;
And, recollect, 'tis always better, far,
For your assailant to turn up his nose,

Than you your toes !

Words beget blows — from blovv^s contusions rise,
Which, cutting off your lachrymal supplies.

May dam your eyes —
At least their conduits ; tempt no further brawl ;
For though " black eyes most dazzle at a ball,"
You'd find, in spite of all you'd thought before,
A hall would dazzle your hlach eyes much more.
Think of your challenger, hent straight on fight;,

With 23urpose cruel,
Arising from his bed, at da.y's first light,

To do ill

True to the moments, see his seconds first,
Who for your heart's best blood already thirst.

Like murd'rous Thugs ;
With you yourself — pale as a taper's light —
" Creeping, like snail, unwillingly" to fight

With slugs 1
Think of the morning /o^, by whose assistance
All may be mist, unless, defying distance,
His vision, at such moment far too clear,

Cutting all chaff,
May lay you, by his barrel, on your hier,
'Twixt life and death, or, rather, half and half!

Blood-Heat and FreezinO-PoinC

i842.] 323

SOCIETY FOR THE CONFUSION OF USELESS
KNOWLEDGE.

August, 1841. — At the Annual Meeting of the Bntish Fill-us-off-ical
and Feeding Association, at Ply-mouth, the following ingenious plan was
promulgated — for a Company for the Confusion of Useless Knowledge. It
is needless to say that so praiseworthy a project met with the unbounded
sympathy and concurrence of all the members present.

It is intended by the Company to supply the present enormous mental
appetite of the public with a full feed of science and literature in a series
of sixpenny bits, or bites. To prevent the appetite from becoming cloyed
by too continuous a fare of any one kind, the bits will be so intermingled
and diversified as to keep the biters always expecting and never satisfied.
Thus, the biography ef Bacon will be relieved by a bit of the history of
Greece ; a bit of Astronomy, by a bit of Brewing ; a bit of Eoman History,
by a bit of Algebra ; a bit of Chemistry, by a bit of Commerce ; a bit of
the History of the Church, by a bit of Sir Christopher Wren. Vegetable
Physiology, bit I., will be probably followed by a Treatise on Probability ;
from the study of which the reader may, if he please, try to find out when
he is likely to see Vegetable Physiology, bit II. The whole will thus form,
in the mind of the student, a most desirable complication of the Novum
Orgauon, Athens, Malting and Mash-tubs, the Csesars, Logarithms, Oxygen,
Tariffs, Telescopes, the Arian Controversy, the building of St. Paul's, Cellular
Tissues, and Eeversionary Interests.

The success of various topographical works, which, in their periodical
production, illustrate perhaps a description of Northumberland, with views
in Norfolk or Middlesex ; and of the Encyclopaedias, which accompany the
article Entomology, with probably the plates of Clockwork, or Geometry,
justify the Company in adopting a similar mode of arrangement.

The Company propose, in order to insure the greatest possible degree of
ultimate perfection, to commence some of the subjects with bits, developing
the present notions of the scientific world, and to keep them incomplete till
they can conclude them with the discoveries of the next generation on th
same topics ; so that the statements in bit No. 1 will probably be correcte .
by the subsequent discoveries in bit No. 2 of the same subject, to be pro-
duced ten years hence ; but, considering the philanthropic views of the
Company, they will consider themselves quite at liberty to abandon, incom-
plete, any of the subjects which it may not be very easy for them to finish ;
considering it to be fully in accordance with their general object to leave to
their followers that glorious desideratum of the aspiring and energetic
mind —

"The Pursuit of Knowledge under Difficulties,''
y 2

324

AUGUST,

[1842,

Tom Gad can't eat his morning meat,

His head of pain has twitches ;
And his faithful chap can't find a rap

Of coin about his breeches :
But turns the pockets of each inexpressible,
Merely to show how far they were accessible.

Losing Hazard resembles the sea, it is plain,
For it certainly swallows things up by the main;
But the fellow who in the destructive game dabs,
Though he catches no fish, is full sure to throw crabs.
He deserves to be beat with the best of crab sticks,
For though "six, seven, eight," have got, each of them,

nicks.
They, at last, lay the gambler undone on the shelf,
And then he is taken by old Mck himself;
Besides, he's a noodle undoubted, who'd try
To be making a living hj going to die!

15. Tlae boy Jones sent to sea.

Jones, you'll be tossed at sea, as I've a notion;
But the dread perils of the ocean, 0 shun !
Winds, when the fair Aurora dawns, 0 roar
Not in your might till Jones has gone ashore;
Waters, swell not yon yeasty billows high.
Till that young swell's on land, and very dry ;
For though his name is Jones, and though he did

Enter the palace, and not touch the knocker.
There is no reason right why Jones's kid

Should be consigu'd to Davy Jones's locker,

29. La Fontaine's Mesmeric Exhibition.

It's a science methiuks — though La

Fontaine may brag.
That, in language of slang, sir, is not

worth a mag ;
And, although men some mighty phe-
nomenon see.
When it loosens the elbow or stiffens

the knee,
Yet they get to no end, and are still

plunged in schism,
While the world's looking on, and ex

claiming that 'tis hum-
Bug every bit— and as much waste of

time
^s thus cramming mag-knee-' tie-hum

into rhyme.

The Finish.

The Ups and Downs of Life

1842.J 325

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE;
Or, Polytechnic Pond-erings Elaborated in the Bell.

Mr. Green is, with all deference to the gentleman of another colour who
generally assumes that title, the real Prince of the Air. He rides upon the
whirlwind where he lists: the atmosphere welcomes him with hail! and the
bridled tempest offers him its rains. If the perfection of the science of
aerostation be so perfectly within his grasp, it is plain the elements must long
since have yielded : he knows all their economies, and regards the zephyrs as
familiar airs. The mischievous wind, so often presuming on its intangibility,
by committing all sorts of depredations, and then scudding off, is compelled
to confess its inability to cope with him, and to own the presence of "Green
in its eye," Hecate is, compared to him, a dull, powerless agent ; for hia
spirits do not wait for him on the rather uncertain tenement of a foggy
cloud — which, from its surchargement with aqueous vapour in suspension,
stands a chance of converting them into weak grog — but lie neck and heels
at the bottom of his car, assimilating, in their nature, to bottle imps. When
other people call a coach he unconcernedly takes a fly, and floats up like
down. Other blessings attend his aerial wanderings. His champagne and
stout are sure to be up ; his cold pheasant is palatably high ; and his other
refreshments range far above all imitations. He takes leave of the world, not
as an anchorite, but to enter a livelier grade of superior society, moving in an
elevated position ; and bears with philosophical indifference the wide reverses
of his existence, from the most rapid rise to a subsequent decline and fall ;
althougb, at the same time, no man has more uniformly good prospects. We
only wonder how he can tolerate our dull earth, and wager he never feels so
secure with the flags of the pavement as he does with those of his own
balloon. His very nature must have been reduced to what it works in — the
atmosphere : and those who may eventually succeed to his possessions can be
no other than the Airshire legatees. The rise and fall of the stocks affect him
not — his own keep pace with his situation ; and the glance of his eye sweeps
the whole range beneath him with a bird's-eye ivipe. There are but few
difficulties on earth that he cannot grapple with. His balloon is his sub-
stantial and impregnable castle in the air, which he has built himself: and
he always has his wits about him cool and collected, though, like a wool-
gathering ruminator, he is constantly in the clouds. Although Mr. Green
was long connected with the Polytechnic Institution, where his aeronautic
whirligigs used to demonstrate the power he had acquired in guiding balloons,
we are convinced he never went down in a diving-bell, for he would have
been literally out of his element ; unless the galvanic experiments at the
same time could have chemically decomposed the water around it into its
constituent gases, and be would then have gone aloft with his darling hydro-
gen. We once saw him contemplating the diving-bell ; but it was with the air
of an eagle of the sun gazing at a dabchick, apparently lost in wonder, not
at the machine, but at the eagerness of the visitors to descend in it, to the
chilly depths of the tank. It was evident that he no more regarded them as
of his own species than the brilliant libellula, rising in the sunshine, owns
the immature chrysalis lying at the bottom of the pool.

We ourselves, who are not a prey to such flights of ambition, hold the
Polytechnic Institution, and its miUion wonders, in especial reverence from
beginning to end, and think it fortunate that its professors live in enlightened
times, or they v;ould be assuredly burnt for necromancers, ard foi-m their own
fire-clouds ; producing photographic shadows of themselves, by the glare of

326 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842.

their own faggots. Not being inclined to soar aloft, we rather approve of the
diving-bell, and often pay it a visit. It afifords matter of gratification to
everybody. The scientific man goes down to measure the pressure of the
atmosphere upon the drums of his ears, and see the displacement of water by
air ; the sightseer and curiosity-hunter, to experience a novel sensation ;
the hair-brained lounger, fresh from Kegent-street, with his little stick and
blotting-paper-coloured Chesterfield, to " put up a lark," although the bottom
of a tank of water is certainly rather an unlikely place to find such a
creation ; and the lover of display, to gratify a trifle of ambition in becoming
i\\Q pro-tempore lion of the place, as he emerges from the bell on its emersion
from the water, in the bright eyes of the pretty girls who are looking down
on his sub-aqueous venture from the galleries above.

The diving-bell, in the present era of compound-progressive science, is only
in its infancy — its tinkle will, ere long, be changed to a toll: we speak
metaphorically, and do not allude to the shilling paid for entrance. We have
passed the adventures in the picture which illustrate the article " Bell-
Diving," in the Encyclopaedias, representing two gentlemen, who have
secured places inside, holding air-tubes, and one, more venturesome, who has
strolled to take a cold without, carrying a small bell on his head, and a boat-
hook in his hand, amidst rocks and sea-weeds. Bolder schemes are in pro-
gress. The bell will open a new line for travellers to the Antipodes, by going
right through the sea at once, and thus curtailing the journey by the
geometrical relation which the diameter bears to half the circumference.
Neither should we be surprised if people, addicted to go down to watering-
places, go down at once to the very bottom, and choose waterproof summer
villas on the beds of our lakes and rivers, exempt from land-tax and ground-
rent; when, stationed in the water, they fling defiance at the law of the
land. Such a position would be a fitting site whereon Father Mathew and
his proselytes could erect a temple to the Genius of Teetotalism.

We need not add, it will take some time to bring the public mind to an
idea of the security of these abodes. The shilling's worth of fluriy and .ear-
ache which the adventurers purchase so readily, still, however, finds a
rapid sale. We descended the other day with a lady who had a great
deal of the former commodity for her money. Her fright was extreme,
when the huge monster that contained us first swung off its perch ; and,
when its mouth touched the water, she gave way to the wildest despair,
even to^ attempt breaking the windows with her parasol. The only moment
of security she experienced was when she reached the bottom. Here she fairly
jumped down off her seat, on which it had required great exertion to retain
her, and begged to be left where she was, now she had once reached the
ground again, observing, we might go back in the bell if we chose, but, for
her part, she preferred substantial footing to again trusting herself in such a
crack-me-crazy vehicle.

1842.]

SEPTEMBER.

Black Eyes and Blue
Jackets.

Tremendous charge
of the Blues.

In cool grot;and
mossy cell.

Leadhig the Van.

Tom Gad, d'ye see, out on a spree,
Gets -whopp'd in Covent Garden ;

Tliey knock him down, and crack his crown,
And leave him not a farden :

And then, for making such a fuss, to-day,

They give poor Thomas into custody.

Policemen are the " upstarts" of the nation,
For everj'' one appears above his station ;
And would you know his tp-anny full well,
/ fear you'll buy your knowledge in a cell.

1 , Why is the back of a hare like a narrow escape ?
Because it's "a hare's breadth."

29. Eent Day — Landlords' levee.

Eent Day ! — a day when all hearts most are rent

With torture — save, the heart of lusty Dan ;
Then gets he that which makes him most content,

Kent from the ragged and rent-breeches man ;
Bent upon rent, and all without remorse,

Yet Dublin deems the foul extortion fair,
And SAvears that, as he's ridden the high Horse

So long and well, she now will make him Mayor—-
A Mayor who, though he makes of Fifties — cronies,
Yet has a most maternal love for Ponies.

Star-gazing iu season.

Yes ! gaze, and cry, "My stars — all wondrous fait,
That, by your shining do behave as sich,"

XjOoIc up — you'll find,your very soul is there
Look down — youri'body's rolling in, the ditcn!

''The Bc-auiy uf tlic Heavens.-

528 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842.

NEW EDITION OF BURNS.

Fublislied October 30, 1841, at the Tower.

The indefatigable Mr. Swallow lias obligingly forwarded to U3
the following list of valtrable relics, whicli were rescued from tlie
" devouring element," during the late conflagration at the Tower : —

Half of the lid of a pot, inscribed — " Fox's Circassian Cream,"
and supposed to have belonged to Benard, the Spanish Ambassador
at the Court of Queen Mary.

The handle of the warming-pan which was used for the bed of
the young princes the night previous to their being smothered.

The bowl of the identical j^ipe with which the executioner of
Guy Fawkes composed himself, after he had accomplished his
unpleasant duty.

A portion of a bottle, which contained the liquid used to pohsh
the Bluchers of Edward the Black Prince ; part of the label, with

the letters war still in high preservation, and clearly indicating

the determined resolution of that undaunted hero.

A tile, with the initials " W.R.," and which, it is judged from
the caligraphy, belonged to the time of William Boof -us.

A massive trowel, the state of its edge proving that there must
have been a •" strike" of Masons in former days.

A spice-box, supposed to have contained the mace of the ancient
Lord Mayors of London.

A fragment of a Cigar, very probably a portion of the Begalia.

A five-shilling piece, in an imperfect state ; doubtless the croivn
that Eichard the Second resigned to Henry of Lancaster.

A constable's truncheon, with a certificate of its having formed
the Duke of Wellington's staff at Waterloo.

The feet of the gridiron that cooked the last cliop, but one, for
the ill-fated Duke of Buckingham.

A pitch- er, used by the tars to drink grog out of, after the dis-
Dersion of the S Danish Armada.

Coinp! — Cone!!

i842.] 329

GOINGI GONE!

THE ATJCTION-HEEE.

Glasses, tables, pictures, chairs, Dutch ovens, and beds ; — and
knots of men upon the stairs, with knots upon their heads ; — and
the dining-room table put in the front drawing-room, and covered
by the back parlour carpet, — supporting the auctioneer, and the
clerk, and catalogues, and desk, altogether enough to warp it. — And
each hale porter stout is " drawing lots" about, which, if brittle,
you may think fortunate, if from the room they are thrust whole, —
from the specimen post of the best front bed, and the hook muslin
covers, that once were red, to the cinder-sieve and knife-board, in
the dust-hole.—" Any advance upon seven — eight, nine, ten, eleven
— going ! — thank you, sir — twelve, thirteen. Tap ! gone for thirteen
— ^the cheapest bargain ever seen ; they are yours, sir ; if you pay,
they may go at once away. Six iron hoops, a water-butt, a bottle-
rack, and broom." — " Oh, Mr. Auctioneer, there's some mistake, I
fear, for not a word I said." — " But, sir, you nodded your head." —
" Oh, yes, to a friend in the room !" — And when the sale of the
silver things is going to begin, the room's so hot, and the crowd
so dense, from the people scrowdging in ; — and the struggle for the
loss is so great 'mongst those who compete, that you'd say there
was a race for the plate in a general heat. — And there's a great
Jew upholder, that I'm forced to uphold on my shoulder — leaning
upon my chair, with long, black, greasy hair, that would make Sir
Peter Laurie swear, and a coat as rough as a bear ; it's rather too
bad to let him in amongst respectable people, in his &ear-skin ;
and I don't know what he can mean, but I supposerit's his fat that
makes him lean. — " Ladies and gentlemen, I must beg silence, — for
the babel of your tongues may be heard a mile hence. — I fii'st offer
to your notice an article of vertu-, as old as the world itself, both
curious and rare too, that was dug up beneath some ruins in the
Sicilies,— and is from the undoubted chisel of Praxiteles — represent-
ing a Yenus, without legs, ai-ms, or head ; au reste, — the trunJc is
very beautiful, so is the chest."—'' Mr. Auctioneer, your classic
knowledge is rather queer ; and I don't wish to hurt you, but I
cannot understand Yenus being an article of virtue; and if this
mutilated image is Yenus coming from the sea, as you say, I
should rather incline to think that the sharks had been following in

33° THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842.

her iee all the way." — " We have here a fine painting by Vandyke, —
a correct portrait of anybody you like — and a bust of the celebrated
ballad- singer, Homer, — who, throughout the to-wns of Greece, was
a roamer, — where 'tis known, by even the most illiterate dunce,
that he'd the luck to be born in seven difi'erent cities at once ; — but
all his endeavours to raise a penny from each of these places
seemed to fail, — for he never got out-door relief from any, although
it seems to have been a Union on a most extensive scale. — I'll
thank you to give me a good bidding, if you please — for you rarely
see such authentic originals as these — which I have offered to the
gaze of the beholders. — The bust upon which you have all bent your
eyes was buried in Pompeian lava for centuries, — where it, all that
time, had lain," — " Then, perhaps, sir, you can explain the meaning
of the motto 'Austin and Seeley,' on the shoulders." — And in the
midst of this general din the rafters of the floor all tumble in, — and
down to the parlour the company and auctioneer go, — which rather
cumflusticates those who are sitting below; and so, — amidst
the general confusion and rout, — we ourselves will contrive to
scramble out — from the room in which we were crammed ; — and, on
gaining the fresh air, we are almost tempted to swear, if we go
there again we'll be — shot !

A SMITH'S YICE.

When late — too late, indeed — it was found out,
That shoals of large Exchequer bills were spurious,
It made, no doubt,
The holders furious —
And indignation grew quite busy with

That fraudful felon, Edward Beaumont Smith,
When prosecuted, at the Queen's expense.

Guilty, he pleaded ;
An act that surely did not show his sense,

And little needed,
While he had this defence : —

" Gentlemen, — any frauds by me display'd
Were in the way of trade ;
I forged the bills, 'tis true ; what then, I ask ?
Pray was it, do you think, the sort of task

To earn for me a scourging ?
For, since the days of Yulcan, I would know,
Up to this very last Exchequer go.

How could a Smith be great, except in. forging f"

1842.]

OCTOBEK.

33>

All pale and weak, before tlic beak,

Degraded Tom is taken ;
lie teas too late to save bis pate,

He is to save bis bacon !
He stands and listens, sad and dogged,

To " fined five bob'' for being grogged.

raaic-Giouti

15. The Ladies at the Palace, bearing that at the
expected birth Eoyal salutes were to be given,
petitioned the Prince that they might not be
overlooked in the arrangement.

24. A tidey overflow of the Thames.

The river o'erflow'd — to the grief of good /e^^er^,
The tide soon invaded the publicans' cellars ;
The luijers ne'er found that it injured their store,
For surely the gin was all water before.

30. Affair of the Caroline — M'Leod's acquittal.

It would have been almost beyond a joke
For such a cloud to end in aught but smoke ;
But had be been sedate, discreet, and staid, he
Had never quan'ell'd about any lady ;
And Grog-an, grog had mix'd, in better quarters,
Than came of mixing up in troubled waters.

Fancy Portrait.

Makin-li£?btofit.

iJoiont! Eagle

Forging by Bill Smith— hot work.

A burning shame.

333 THE COMIC ALMAi^ACK. [1842.

PEEMIUM AND DISCOUNT.

No tliird-floor front that ever looked upon the golden waters of Ball's
Pand harboured swain more fixvoured by nature and art than the young
Augustus Kutitphat. His father was the renowned Orlando Kosenem Von
Kutitphat who, passing over from Germany to this country in three ships,
became arbiter elegantiarum at Hockley-in-the-Hole, and his mother was
nearly related to that unprecedented Simpson who conferred immortality
upon the bowers of Vauxhall. At the age of nineteen Augustus was
bereaved of his parents, from whom he inherited a mine of brass (in his
face), and a harvest of curls (hair-homs) unparalleled in the annals of
(Bear's) Greece. He was not, as he himself asserted, critically handsome,
but eminently genteel. " Manners make the man," he was accustomed to
observe, " but the tailor, the gentleman : appearance is the premium where-
with you can discount society ; it's gammon to talk about the aristocracy of
birth ; why there's a second fiddle at Astley's that no Duke in the * Eed
Book' is fit to hold a candle to : I never had a gi-andfather, and is there any
mistake about me?"

In this way of thinking, and a primrose satin waistcoat, Augustus pro-
ceeded to essay the truth of his philosophy, A great poet has said, " All
the world's a stage ;" had he added, "licensed only for the performance
of pantomime," the fancy would have well assorted with the fact. To
succeed in the drama of life the performer needs only activity — to keep
his eyes open, and his heart and his mouth shut. The two former of these
elements of success Kutitphat possessed ; had the three been combined, he
might have become Lord Mayor. Though a denizen of Islington, inhabiting
a chamber which, had the house been another remove from town (at the
Antipodes), would have been the cellar — by grace of patent-leather "Welling-
t-ons and a Polish tailor, he himself achieved a polish that not one in a
thousand would have known from the true metal. Even the ingenious youth
who, with a red coatee and nose to correspond, enacts the esquire at Crock-
ford's, looking after the coursers of the knights-errant who there do congre.
gate — even he, albeit as good an authority in such matters as the Lord
Chamberlain himself, was almost led into the indiscretion of a bow.
Augustus had just turned into St. James's Street, when our Cad-Crock-
fordian caught sight of him. His right hand had all but reached the bit
of felt that did duty for the rim of his hat ; but it fell ere the error was
irretrievable. "No," he soliloquized; "it ain't not qvite the ticket, but
unkimmin good at the price ; blest if I warn't nearly had — wont he step
into some on 'em. At first, wouldn't I have pounded it he was a real swell;
but, now I twig him nearer, his mother donH Jcnow as he's a taking of
the air."

Premium and Djscount

1842.] PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT. 333

Angelina Ampletin was one of the prettiest girls in Pimlico, and, if
there was any truth in rumour, very far from one of the worst catches.
Papa had retired from business at Billingsgate, with money enough to found
a dozen joint-stock banks, and leave a handsome surplus. In fact, his
turbot and salmon were all gold and silver fish ! Now, as Augustus entered
the enclosure of the Park, Angelina and one of her friends were studying
ornithology on the margin of the stream that meanders between the Horse
Guards and Buckingham Palace. A glance of soul-speaking sympathy
passed between the youth and maiden — and, behold ! the tiny hand of her
Breguet had not accomplished another revolution ere' they were in con-
fidential communication. Let us not dwell on the progress of their loves ;
day by day did they perambulate the sylvan shades of Kensington Gardens
(so called because destitute of both flower and fruit) ; and at length the
critical avowal was made — Angelina blushed her passion — " she lived only
for her Augustus ; would he, indeed, fondly love on to the close ?" History is
divided concerning the exact nature of his reply. According to one
account he is said to have declared that, if false, nothing should prevent
his being "jiggered;" while another asserts that, in evidence of immuta-
bility, he called upon the zephyrs that sighed around them, then and there
to " blow him tight." Alas ! for Augustus, that which the figure of his
form had built up, the figure of his rhetoric laid desolate. Angelina was
the soul of refinement and education, having been finished at Turnham
Green. With a look of horror she fled the presence of Kutitphat — that
lilow was the unkindest cut of all !

It was November, but still the weather was delicious. All the gay
things of nature were abroad ; and even the wretched sought to borrow a ray
of the rich sunshine. Over the still verdant carpet of Hyde Park were
gliding graceful groups of fair women ; while, among them, moved a form
that seemed to have little business there at such a time. Bless ye ! dear
muffs and boas, no heresy is here intended, for instinct would curl the nose
of an angel in Eden who should chance upon a fellow in the debris of an
ancient Taglioni, and no shirt. Was it a wonder, then, that Angelina gave
a wide berth to Augustus when she encountered him in such a category ?
AVhere were now his airs and graces ? All — all gone ! The station, like
' the herald Mercury," exchanged for a posture between a faint and a sneak ;
the glance of scorn, for the mien of supplication ; the sheen of promise, for
the sear of despair ! People speak of Brummel frying his own tripe as if
it were something to wonder at. Let them take a turn in St. James's
Park, any day between the first of January and the last of December, and,
unless they shut their eyes, they will discover more than one member of the
Kutitphat family at a discount.

334

NOVEMBEH.

|_i8.

Tom Gad, Tom Gad — my lad, my lad,

Now never mind yom' head 0 !
Here comes yom' wife to save your life;

You must sit up in bed 0 !
You must put up with one attack from her,
And then put up your traps, and back with her.

Gog and Magog— all

Pray, Mrs. Lilly, when
is His Royal Highness to
be dressed en grande
tenue f Don't know, my
lady; at present he is
dressed in *h.e nursery.

2. Michaelmas Term begins.
CiiAjiBER Practice.
Fiction all day to use, whate'er the fact is —
To find that ererything against some Act is—
Champagne to drink all night, till the brain rack'd is—

That's Chamber Practicer
A Brief.
For pay, to prove the honest man a thief —
For pay, to break the widow's heart with grief —
To stifle truth — for lies to gain belief —

That's a Brief!
Deeds c^r^inWy abstracted.

Ten thousand words, where ten would serve the

need —
Ten thousand meanings, discord meant to breed,
Where none can understand, and few can read —
That's a Deed !

9. The Lord Mayor takes water at "West-
minster Hall, and wine at Guildhall.

Eoyal Babby born

THE NURSE'S SOLILOQUY.

How do I dote upon my royal charge,
Born to be great, and growing to be large ;
Sprung, in his beauty, from the parent-tree,
An heir, and eke a-parent too, is he.

Dear bellowing babby — apple of my eye,
A young trump-card, turn'd in the royal rubber;

As Duke of Cornwall, how he used to cry,
And now he's Prince of Whales — oh ! wont ha

hluhher!

The Parlour and The Cellar.

1842.1 335

THE PARLOUR AND THE CELLAR.

" Most epic poets plunge in medias res,"
So, as the better plan with scenes like theso

(At least, the quicker),
I treat the past as a " foregone conclusion,"
Whereby the reader's saved no small confusion,
Seeing my " dram persons" are in liqaor.
Opens our scene what time thus spake the host
(A gentleman who has two friends to dine,
That two, as you perceive, are soused in wine,

Like Jacob's swine) :
Rising to do the honours of the board
(His " case of drink" such as became a loii),
" I beg to pro — po — pop — prop — pose a toast ;
Not to my honourable friend that's down.
For he al — sted — dead — ready is done bro'^vn ;
But to the gentleman before me there

(Is there a pair ?),
Filling, with so much dignity, his chair : —
A toast, the very birthright of a nation,
Where virtue is the attribute of station ;
A toast, were I the swi — swe — swain that ii-Vve<i^'
Or peer, or plebs, I'd drink while I'd a hand
To hold a glass in — or a leg to stand —
" Our noble selves."
******
Thus sped affairs — up stairs.
Or, properly to speak it, in the salon
A manger, where a group of the elite
Were busied in the intellectual feat

Of swilling claret by the gallon.
I said " up stairs," however, let me state.

To indicate
That, under the aforesaid festive salle,
There lay a spacious subterranean hall,

Cellar, or, with your leave, we'll call it vault
(Because the word is wanted for the rhyme).
Wherein, at that especial point of time, -
There sat a party deeply gone in malt ;

33^ THE COMIC ALMANACK, [1842.

Consisting of two Christians and a nigger
(Meant, you will understand, to represent
Servants of the establishment),
Now, let me beg you to observe the figure,
Whereby the artist hath pourtrayed the latter-
Nothing in ebony was ever fatter ;
In look and leer a more incarnate satyr ;
How better could he illustrate our matter,

Which is a satire ?
Hark ! Mungo speaks — " 0 golly ! what a go
Them four-um-twenty bottle ob a row,

Beer in um casks, and claret on ura shelbes
Come, mass a butler ! neber spare um whack ;
7jIungo shall drink, so long as Mungo black —

* Our noble selbes.' "
******
'Smile on— but have a heed, least, soon or latei
Apply the " de tefahula Qiarratur."

DECEMBEE— NOTES OF THE MONTH.

I, Bernard Cavanagh detected.

He went too fast ; in hopes Lis trick woukl tell
To bite the Bark-shire boys he took a spell;
But Heading sauce soon cured the hungiy sinner,
And now he'd jump to get a Christmas dinner.

9. Prize Cattle Show — Blank faces.

There gazes John, delighted on
The blowing bloated beast ;

'Tis hard to .swear which of the pair
Of brains possesses least.

21. Ladies scold least.

Pray what's the reason they have less to say?
Why, simply this, that 'tis the shortest day.

25. Dine out (if you can).

Christmas upsets the world : — a very sloiv pull
Have foreign places : Turkey s dcem'd divine;
But who cares twopence for Constantinople;
And isn't China fairly lost in CJiine?

1842.]

DECEMBER.

337

XII.

Tom Gad got well — no more a swell-
Is home among his friends ;

His mind is eased, his wife is pleased,
And here my story ends —

With just this moral — " Unless you'd be undone,

Don't leave your spouse, and come alone to London.

CHEISTMAS FARE.
A Merry Mug! though he could not be uglier, he
Has nought about him that betokens Jugg-lcv y.

A Goose, even tailors have, who cut it fat,

And use the goose itself to get aflat ;

And when the cloth is spread, which they have

stored.
They lodge it there, a portion of their hoard.

Snap Dragon — Fiery face-ias.

Cuine's Christmas fare, cries Pat, but, by my sowl,
Sure Turkey isn't, for it's Christmas fowl.

Eat your pudding hot ; but —
Don't burn their mouths,
The little dears while treating,
Though still the proof
Of pudding's in the heating.

nr ^

^»n=^

A round game at Christmas.

338 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842.

PROCEEDINGS OF LEAENED SOCIETIES, 1841.

THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY.

[Our country readers may probably not be aware that there exists in Lon-
don a body of pleasant-minded gentlemen, constituting a society bearing the
above name, who collect, with never-wearying application and research, the
various statistical reports connected with every subject of the day. Their
proceedings are duly chronicled in the dififerent scientific and literary reviews,
but as these may not be within the reach of all, we have collected the most
interesting points discovered by their labours, during the past twelvemonth,
and present them as a " Year Book of Facts" to our admirers,]

Some valuable particulars have been gained in connection with the supper
taverns of London. Of every twenty visitors, it appears that eight order
AVelsh rabbits, six ditto broiled kidneys, four ditto poached eggs, and two
ditto chops or steaks, as their taste may direct ; and that these numbers are
divided into seven medical students, five lawyers' clerks, three gentlemen
from the country, the same number of men about town, and two shop-boys or
single tradesmen, who imagine they are so. Of these, more than one-third
call the waiters "Charles," or " Tom ;" two in five join loudly in the burdens
of " The Pope," and " The Monks of Old ;" and one in four encores the
comic songs by striking his fists upon the table, until the cruets commence
performing an intricate figure of their own, and finally tumble down upon the
floor.

The statistics of Camberwell Fair are exceedingly interesting ; and the
following return of the state of fifty dolls there purchased, at the end of a
week from the time of buying, will be read, we are assured, with avidity :

Had their eyes poked in, and rattling loose in the head . . 12

Ditto picked out 8

Despoiled of their wigs 6

Lost their arms and legs 9

Melted before the fire ... _ 3

Had their noses beaten flat against the bars 7

Totally destroyed 4

In tolerable preservation 1

Total 60

As the affection of a child for its doll proverbially increases according to the
dilapidated state of the latter, the above tables afibrd an interesting view of
the probable existing proportion of nursery attachments at the present
moment. One child in three, at the Fair, had a mouth covered with ginger-
bread crumbs, and five in twelve had the stomach-ache. The promenade
Concert d'Et^, which lasted all day long, embraced twenty-two penny trum-
pets, or cornets-a-hois, nineteen musical fruits, six fiddles with packthread
strings, and four drums, varying in price from sixpence to two shillings. A
solo, by a very young performer, on a tin rattle filled with peas, was very
much admired.

A paper, involving some singular points of manufacturing economy, has
been written, entitled, " What becomes of all the pins ?" It appears, from
Professor Partington, that twenty millions of pins are daily manufactured in

1S42.J PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES.

this country. These get into general circulation, and after a time, entirely
disappear ; but the remarkable fact is, that, like the swallows, nobody knows
where they go to. It is proved that, were it possible to recall these lost
articles, a quantity might be collected sufficient to build the projected foot-
bridge at Hungerford Market, and the residue might be cast into one enor-
mous pin, which should be erected as a column in any part of London best
suited for its elevation, and to be called " Victoria's Pin," in opposition, (o
" Cleopatra's Needle," at Alexandria. There would be a winding staircase in
the interior, with a saloon in its head, and it might serve, not only as a land-
mark in stormy weather for the fourpenny steamboats plying between Vaux-
hall and London Bridge, but, since the setting up of statues to everybody
that dies is getting into fashion, the column could be crowned v.uth an image
of Shakspeare, Byron, or any other inferior character who has not yet been
so honoured, in London, beyond the lobbies of the theatres and Madame
Tussaud's.

From the visiting report " On the Lunatic Asylums of the United King-
dom," we learn that the persons of unsound or slightly cracked intellects in
England, amount to ninety per cent., but that straight-waistcoats have gone
out of fiishion, being superseded by straight pea-jackets with the majority
of the aberrated. Of a great quantity of lunatics now in Bedlam, five out
of thirteen are addicted to punching the crowns out of their hats, and then
putting them on topsy-tm-vy ; and two in seventeen are not quite clear
whether they are the Secretary of State or Julius Caesar, but collect small
pebbles, which they call petrified bears' heads and five-shilling pieces.
Ninety-one and a half per cent, believe they are perfectly sane, and that all
the rest are stark mad ; whilst two in nine are preparing to bring an action
against the Queen for breach of promise of marriage. Of three hundred
wooden bowls allowed them for their gruel, twenty-four had been thrown at
the nurses and keepers in one day ; and, in a single instance, one had been
converted into a species of cap, which was put on with much solemnity, and
the wearer then kept close watch in the yard for the whole week over a
strawberry-pottle, which he represented to be Windsor Castle. At Hanwell,
from the proximity of the asylum to the railway, twenty per cent, believe
that they are first-class carriages, and have a habit of whistling loudly when
they approach, that the others may get out of the way; 'a proceeding which
is generally advisable.

A statement has also been made connected with the omnibuses of tho
metropolis, from which it appears that, when you are waiting at the corner
of any street for an omnibus, seven out of eight are going the wrong way.
Ninety per cent, of the cads ask if you will ride outside when you hail
them ; and, out of thirteen passengers, three wear kid gloves, eiglit sport
brown Berlin, and two none at all.

BEPORT OF THE CATNACH SOCIETY.

Established a.d, 1841, on the Model of the Camden, Percv, and

Shakspeare Societies.

EULE3.

I. — The Society shall be called the Catnach Society.

II. — The chief object of the Society shall be to reprint rare and unedited
ballads and handbills, printed, at various times, by Messrs. Catnach, Birt,
and Pitt, of Great St. Andrew Street, Seven Dials.

'/ 9.

340 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1842.

III. — The Society sliall consist of as many subscribers as -can be got to-
gether, and, as a precaution against bolting, the subscriptions shall be paid
m advance.

IV. — A subscription of a guinea a year shall entitle the members to receive
a copy of all the works issued by the Society.

BOOKS ALREADV PRINTED.

1. — The Greenacre Garland; or, a 3Ierrie 3Ianual for MidnigJd Mur-
derers : A collection of the most remarkable dying-speech bills issued with-
in the last forty years ; comprising letters written, and hymns composed by
the malefactors the night before their executions, speeches on the scaffold,
copies of verses detailing the crime, and written for music, with views of
the execution, and occasional portraits of the felons. Edited by the late
Thomas Cheshire, Esq., of Newgate, Middlesex.

2. — A Collection of JPolitical /Songs and Ballads, having reference to
some local particulars connected with a county election in 1833. As the
allusions in these relics are but imperfectly understood, and the interest
has quite gone by, this forms a valuable addition to the works already
published.

3. — The Street Anthology of the Nineteenth Century; comprising notices
of the most popular itinerant musicians of the day: to which is added, an
inquiry into the probable author of " Jim along Josey ;" with memoirs of the
following eminent perambulators — viz., the little man in the soldier's coat,
with the "jolly nose," who indulges in Billy Barloio and Follow the Drum^
under a very diminutive and dilapidated umbrella, on certain evenings in
Leicester Square ; the professional gentleman in the oil-skin cap, and
whiskers inclining to auburn, who sings to the dulcimer and attends the
races ; the ambiguous character who ties his hair in bows, wears sandals,
carries a fan, and sings " She promised to buy me a bunch of blue ribbons,"
and dances to the chorus — " Tilly ung de rung tung de rung day," as he
plays an imaginary piano on. his ribs ; the two young gentlemen who black
their faces with soot and tallow, and sing " Sich a getting up stairs," stand-
ing upon their heads, and dancing with their feet in the air ; the conjuror
who wears a scarlet coat, does the doll trick, and tries to imitate " Jerry,"
but who does not succeed therein.

4. — Merrie England in the Modern Time; or, Bichardson and his
Friends. A singular collection of showbills and street advertisements,
edited by the late .Mr. Eichardson, of travelling-theatre celebrity ; including
details of the various fairs he attended, and embracing endless anecdotes of
his contemporaries — the learned pig, black wild Indian, white Negress,
Scotch giant, fat boy, Welsh dwarf, young Saunders, Mr. Samivell, the
equestrian, &c. ; interspersed with many outlandish songs and recitations,
and dialogues between masters of shows and Mr. Merriman.

5. — Three Yards for a Benny. A rejpertoire of some reprinted popular
lyrical poems prevalent at the commencement of the reign of Queen Vic-
toria; including " Happy Laud," " Claude du Val," " Woodman, spare that
Tree," " Nix my Dolly," " Wanted a Something," &c. &c.

1842.] 341

AN EAENEST LOVE LETTEK.

To the Editor of the Comic Almanaclc.

Good Mastee, Eigdum Funnidos,

I am incurably in love with a young lady, residincr in
tlie country, but have reason to think, from what passed between us
at our last interview, that she has some misgivings respecting my
fideHty. I therefore beg you will insert these lines in your
Almanack, which, as it circulates everywhere, will show everybody
that my intentions are strictly honourable.

Yours,

Greatly obliged, &c.,

PiiiL. Philomel.

Oh ! why these cruel taunts throw out,

And say you cease to love me ;
Or my affection that you doubt .P

By all the stars above me,
I am not false— yet, since I fear

To meet a flat rejection,
I'll tell you when you may, with cause,

Mistrust my fond affection :

When trains from Railway termini

Start off at the same hour
Two weeks together, then begin

To doubt your beauty's power ;
Or, when embankments cease to fall.

Or boilers to explode.
Or engines to run off the line,

You may some change forbode :

When shrimps are caught at Putney Bridge,

And gudgeons at Heme Bay,
When the Thames Tunnel clears enough

Its shareholders to pay ;
Or, when Thorwaldsen's " Byron" stands?

In Westminster's old Abbey,
^ou may, with truth, begin to think

My conduct rather shabby :

342 - THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843.

Wlien Autumn tourists cease to roam

To Switzerland or Baden ;
Or when the lessees fortunes make

At " Drury," or " The Garden ;"
"Wlien husses move along the Strand

As fast as you can walk —
Then think my words no longer true,

My vows of love all talk :

But, until then, I swear by all

The topics of the year —
The corn laws, sugar, opium, tea,

Liu, Elliott, and ISTapier, —
]3y D'Aumale's fortunate escape,

And Marie, "femme Laffarge,"
Who writes as well within her cell

As if she were at large :

Or by Napoleon's catafalque,

'Midst such grand rites erected
(Although it made not half the stir

The French King had expected) ;
By the dim last declining rays

Of weather-doom'd Yauxhall,
Or by Cerito's masquerade, -

Which ne'er took place at all : —

By all these things, and many more

Which I've no time to write
(Because the various mail-trains start

At half-past eight each night),
I swear again, to prove most true,

And every vow fulfil.
Till fashion's idlers c[uit Hyde Park,

And lounge on Tower Hill.

1842.] 343

LIKELIHOODS.

Is it likely— that the young Prince can lead any other than the
life of a soldier, since he is already in arms ?

Is it likely — that yon can ride in an omnibus, without catching
one ^ane, through the absence of another ?

Is it likely — that you can ever get the work you particularly
want at a Subscription Library?

Is it likely — that you can be riding within half a mile of tiie
theatres, in the evening, without having twenty playbills thrust in
at your coach- windows ?

Is it likely — ^when attending a meeting of creditors, where time is
asked for, that you will ever hear of less than the probability of
thirty shillings in the pound ?

Is it likely — that anybody on the Free List (" the public press
excepted") can gain admittance at a theatre when there is anything
worth seeing or hearing ?

Is it likely — that any account of a fire can be inserted in tlio
newspaj^ers, unaccompanied by " further particulars ?"

Is it likely — that an unfavourable review of a work can appear,
without the author's declaring that the writer has been actuated by
private malice ?

Is it likely — that you will find the National Gallery, or British
Museum, open at the day or hour a country cousin has selected for
visiting it ?

Is it likely— that you can receive a present of game from the
country without paying, in carriage, more than it is worth, and
being expected to send a basket of fish in return ?

Is it likely — that your servant will find a coach or cab, on the
nearest stand, when you are in a hurry ?

Is it likely — that a friend will remember to return your umbrelki
until the dry weather sets in ?

Is it likely— when you get into an omnibus at the Bank, that you
will arrive at Bond- street in the time in which you could have
pedestrianised the distance twice over ?

Is it likely— that the "positively last night" of a dramatic Star
will be the end of his performances r

344 THE COMIC ALMANACK [1842.

Is it likely — ^that a publislier will omit to annonnce a work as
" just ready," when it is not even written by the author ?

Is it likely — that you will hear the popular preacher whose fame
has attracted you five miles on a foggy IS'ovember Sunday morning ?

Is it likely — that you can remember the number of the coach in
which you have left your new silk umbrella ?

Is it likely — that the street musicians will pass on under double
the usual time, if you happen to be in a particularly ill-humour,
or are engaged in the miseries of authorship ?

Is it likely — that a day can pass without the manager of a
theatre receiving ten applications, from " particular friends," for
the use of the stage-box ?

Is it likely — that you can listen to a traveller, without hearing
" when I was abroad," twenty or thirty times repeated ?

Is it likely — for a snufi'-taker to offer his box, without observing,
*' that it is a bad habit, but he cannot do without it ?"

Is it likely — for your country friends not to have seen more of
the London hons than you, who have been in town all your Hfe ?

Is it likely — that a friend will refuse to lend you a hundred
pounds, without giving you plenty of advice ?

Is it likely — that you can take a trip to a watering-place, without
ever-Zas^-ingly running against your shoemaker, and finding your
butcher there, " cutting it fat ?"

Is it likely — that you can put on a new pair of boots, without
wishing the maker of them at — a pretty considerable distance ; and
driving a hole in the floor with your stam;p of — anything but
approbation ?

Is it likely — that a young lady can be induced to sit down to the
IpisLUO-forte, until after she has raised Ji/ty objections?

ISTOT VERY !

KOT VERY LIKELY

THE

COMIC ALMANACK

For 1 843.

346 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843.

OH! LAW!

There never were such times as tliese ! A barrister could once,
witla ease, have got as many fees, by merely signing pleas, as would
have given him something more than bread and cheese ; but destiny's
decrees have made it feasible no more to get such fees ; and if the
lawyers please to live, they can no longer live by pleas.

Those days, alas ! are flown, when seeds of litigation, shrewdly
sown, were very often known, not through a single Hfe alone to have
thriven and grown, but to have reach'd the state that's call'd full
blown, in time for the attorney's son to make the crop his own. But
now the lawyers are thrown over — the system's overthrown.

The common law is common now no more ; full many a clause
in Acts of Parliament has clipped its claw. The time is o'er, when,
for an hour, one could jaw about the spelling of the man who did
the indictment draw, and whose mistake, or clerical faux 'paw, had
floored poor ill-used justice by a literal flaw.

If Eldon now could rise and see the changes mado since lie would
doubt and disagree e'en with his own decree, what would the great
man's feelings be ? He'd say this seems not like the Court of Chan-
CG7'ee, in whose old customs I had hoped that we had an estate in
fee ; such suits as these would not have suited me !

Oh ! who would once have dared to dream that judges could have
worked by steam ? Although, without a joke, justice would very
often end in smoke ; and, from the speeches still preserved on paper,
we find that legal eloquence was often only vapour; while law itself
contained, as it would seem, the element and principle of steam ; for
those who ever had a bout of it, found it hot water, and were very
glad when they got out of it. Mechanics' principles the lawyers
knew, and made amazing use of two — the wedge and screw ! But
of the third,' in early legal cases, there is little heard; for though to
scientific men of old the lever was well known, as we are told, the
lawyers seem to have refused it, or never used it. The lever they
despised; at least we find thom not leaving anything they could
take beliind them ! But it is also thought some early barristers so
often moved in court, that they had something like a notion of
coming to perpetual motion.

i843'] 347

A LAW EEPOKT.

Doe on the demise of Boe, versus Boe on the demise of Doe.

This was a case of ejectment. Gabble (Q.C.) for plaintiff. — " Tbia
is a clear case of ouster {Shoiver, 2) ; but if the tenant in possession
disputes the title of tenant in tail, be cannot plead laches {Gamjphell,
• 1). In this case the remainder man was regularly let in, but the
widow cannot now claim dower {Blackstone, 3). Suppose the mort-
gagee had been anxious to foreclose, then plaintiff must have been
guided by the rule in Shelly's case {Adolphus and Ellis, 6.) Here
there is nothing of the kind. If defendant takes anything, it is in
the character of tenant in reversion after the possibility of issue
extinct {Shower, 1).

Thumpus (Seijeant) contra. — Doe takes only a chattel interest,
or, at most, a base fee [Taunton, 6). The court must presume that
the outstanding term is satisfied (East, 6). The rule is not now as
Coke laid it down, for Mansfield (C. J.) declined taking it up. This
is a case of common ouster. Doe walked in as trustee, and was
kicked out in tail. There is no relief for him at common law
{Br acton). The door was shut upon him by defendant's son, and
the parent is not answerable for the act of the boy {Chitty). Judg-
ment was now delivered by the court.

Mither (C.J.) — This is an uncommon case. Doe was never regu-
larly in, nor was Roe regularly out. Both took as devisees of the
same testator. The case in Shower cannot guide us here, though
the rule laid down has been recognised. I do not think there is
much in the objection to the widow's claim of dower, though I see
I have got it upon my notes. A mortgagee may suffer by laches,
but then the defendant should have pleaded the tort. There is
notliing of this on the record, and the verdict must go accordingly.

Puny (J.) — I am of the same opinion. My brother Thumpus has
referred us to Bracton. I know the point in Bracton, and have de-
cided it twice the other way. But here I think the rule in Shelly's
case comes in and carries the verdict.

Twaddle (J.) — There are four points in this case ; three of them
amounted to nothing, and the fourth has been conceded. The laches
ought to have appeared on the pleadings. There cannot be a use
upon a use {Sanders), but a trustee may take by the common law,
which the statute, Jac. II., c. 14, did not interfere with. The pro-
visions of the act removed much abuse, and the eighty-fourth is a
particularly wholesome section. Here these questions do not arise,
and, as the rule is clear, the verdict must follow it.

Shiver (J.) — I am of the same opinion.

JANUAEY

[1843.

(GeuLlemen in the Direction.)

LONDON AND UNIVERSAL DEPOSIT ASSOCIATION.
Time of taking in, ten to four. Drawing out, ten to one.

Wanted some fine young men, without delay,

To carry boards about the street.
And pop into the board-room once a day,
As shareholders, to muster a display,

"When the directors meet.
It is expected all will be quite willing
To take a share for which they'll pay a shilling.
All those who don't object to taking more

Will profit in a very high degree ;
And any one who purchases a score

Becomes vice-president and life trustee.
To each vice-president, besides his pay

Of eighteen-pence a day
Which is of all deductions clear
There is allowed a pot of beer.
The company beg to propose a job,
That is adapted weU to any single swell,
Or may be undertaken by the mob.
In plainer terms to speak, there is a meeting once a week,
At which it is advisable to muster.
Of flashy-looking gentlemen, a cluster.
A liberal price to any one who brings

Of gold, of course mosaic, a display ;

But there is some reduction in the pay.
When the Directors find pins, chains, and rings.
Immediate application is required
From those by whom employment is desired ;
Because the company will soon begin
To take Shareholders and deposits in. _

And there is very little doubt.
That when the time arrives for drawing out,
The company, by some strange antic,
Will he removed asross the Atlantic.

i843'] 349

THE CHAETER.

A COMMONS SCENE IN THE YEAR 1943.

Several Members took tlie oaths, and the Speaker took his seat,
when six-and-twenty members all at once were on their feet. The
standing order then to move some dozen did begin ; and, in com-
pliance with it, the Speaker ordered in, for all the honourable
members, each " a go" of gin.

The worthy representative of Monmonth Street began to bring
before the house his well-digested plan, for making up the deficit, by
taxing every man who should be found to own a baked potato-can.

He went into the history of taturs, from the day when first the
sun of science shone with resplendent ray, and pointed out for
baking them the most delicious way: he traced the rise of cans
from the very first of all, when they used to manufacture them par-
ticularly small, until the later era, when they made them very tall
with half-a-dozen lanterns, from which the Hght would fall, the
notice of the populace unto the can to call, and, like a very basihsk,
the little boys enthral.

The member then for Battersea, in an impressive speech, brought
on his promised motion for giving Chelsea Eeach, and also T\vicken-
ham Meadows, another member each. He said, and while he said
it, he acknowledged it was true, that those who lived at Battersea
and Twickenham were few, but unto them the sufi'rage undoubtedly
was due, because it had been given to Hammersmith and Kew.

The great election compromise was then at length discussed, and
it was soon decided that the sitting member must, upon a charge
of bribery, from out his seat be thrust ; because he had corrupted,
with a pot of beer, a crust, and bit of cheese, a voter who took away
the dust.

Tlie watercress and radish trade presented a petition, complam^
ing very bitterly of their distressed condition, and praying that
the Parliament would put a prohibition on foreign cress and radishes,
which caused a competition that threatened to annihilate at once
the homo vendition. The House, in tongues as numerous as e'er
were heard at Babel, expressed at once a wish to do whatever it was
able, and ordered the petition, then, to He upon the table.

But now the long discussion was eagerly resumed, upon the
knotty question, whether those who wern't illumed with a know

35<^ THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843

ledge of tlie reading art, coiild ever be presumed fit persons nnto
whom the nation's guidance should be doomed? 'Twas argued
very cleverly, and was by all confessed, that, as the members had
not been by property oppressed, enabling them to sympathize much
more with the distressed, and, as they were with very slight quali-
fications blessed, perhaps, if they had none at all, it would be for
the best.

The House was now impatient, and many rose to say, that they
had listened long enough, and wished to get away ; for they had
sat sufficient time to constitute a day, and therefore hoped the
Speaker no longer would delay, in ordering to each of them their
ordinary pay.

With this the feeling of the House appeared to coincide ; the
Speaker to the treasurer for funds at once apphed, and at the
sight of money there arose, from every side, one universal clamour
of — " Divide ! divide ! divide !"

LIGHTS OF THE PEE SENT, NOT OF OTHER DAYS.

'Tis moonlight where the silver waters stray,
'Tis safety-light in mines or caverns deep ;

'Tis waxlight at the dinner-party gay,

'Tis rushlight in the room where mortals sleep.

'Tis candlelight in many a parlour neat,
Where father, mother, children, sit at tea :

'Tis gaslight in the office, shop, and street,
'Tis twilight when the muffin-boy we see.

'Tis skylight in the high and vaulted dome,
'Tis Bengal light where ships in danger toss,

'Tis Bude light where the Pall Mall loungers roam,
And it is Boccius light at Charing Cross.

1843.J

FEBRUARY.

00*

A CHAETER PARTY.

The United Female Chartist "Washerwomen met a deputation from the Infant
Society of Universal SulFrage and Vote by Ballot Orphans, in the long room of
the Institution belonging to the foi'mer, when a discussion ensued on the subject of
the Charter.

It was at length resolved to extend the five pints to six; and it was finally
agreed that three quarts should constitute the measure they are jointly going for.

Upon a proposition that they should adopt the principle of the whole hog, a dis-
cussion arose as to whether the gammon was to be included ; but it was soon
decided that the whole hoggites would be nothing at all, if it were not for the
gammon, which was accordingly retained by a large majority.

The following subscriptions, in aid of the " Victim Fund," were then read by
the secretary, who stated that the amounts were in the hands of the treasurer
who was absent from indisposition :

Siibscriptions to the " Victim Fund.'' £. q j

Eight-and-twenty patriotic mothers 0 0 9

Three charwomen, who are ready to scour the country in

aid of the good cause 0 0 3

Nine tailors, who feel as one man 0 0 1

Ten patriotic grandmothers, who would see their grand-
children enjoying their freedom in the land of their

grandfathers 0 0 5

The hands employed upon St. Martin's clock 0 0 6

The great petition was then brouglit forward for additional signatures, when
it was resolved, that knowing how to write should not be a sine qitd non for
signing it. Several chartist children were permitted to put their marks, and tlie
grand master of the lodge of juvenile levellers was appointed as controller of the
sand and blotting paper.
In the evening tea was served, and several rounds of patriotic toasts were given.

26 Bonaparte escaped from Elba, 1815.

Napoleon could not bear the exile's doom,
And Elba left, in search of Elba (elbow) room.

352 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843,

MORALS FOR THE MILLION.

There's notliing, in the present day,
That's done by halves ; all's in the wholesale way.
We've singing for the million, not the few,
And now we've writing for the million too.
The penny post has raised a batch,
Who manifest snch zeal,
In scribbhng with their pens of steel,
They seem to be inspired by Old Scratch.
The singing for the million's very well ;
And if they would but tune the postman's bell,
Or make the dustman keep
Within the rules of harmony.
By always giving out his cry
In octaves, with the sweep ;
Or, if the muffin-man could only be
Persuaded to adopt the treble key,
So that his voice in melody might rise,
And as a tenor might be reckon'd,
Supported by the deep bass second
Of him whose song is — " Here's your kidney pies !'
In anybody's system we'll believe
That can such excellent results achieve ;
If methods for the miUion thrive,
No doubt the time will soon arrive
When schools will by the multitude be sought,
Where morals for the million will be taught.
Then honesty will out of fashion go ;
And virtue, if it sinks to the mobility,
Of course, by all pretending to gentilitj
- ' Will then be voted low.

If, in the present day,
'Tis thought much spirit to display
To steal a street-door knocker, or a bell,
Why not, in time, take handkerchiefs as well ?
As the elite of fashion will be few.
Policemen will have little then to do
Cases of robbery to detect,
For thieving will be so select.
Morality w3l then be taught
In every alley, lane, and court ;
The principles of honour to instil
They'U open schools on Saffron Hill.
St. Giles will be the most revered of names,
And the sweU mob may then be found
In western rookeries to abound —
Their sanctuary the clubs that grace St. James,

ta43.] 353

A FEW FACTS.

It is a fact that Mr. Graball has resigned his very lucrative
situation, and that he thus rehnquishes a thousand a year — hut
he has received another appointment -with a salary of fifteen
hundred.

It is a fact that Mr. Skinflint put half-a-crown into the plate at
the last charity sermon — hut it was a bad one.

It is a fact that the once dissipated and extravagant Mr. Meltali
remained at home every evening last week — hut he had no money
to go out with.

It is a fact that the improvident and faithless Mr. Squander took
up a bill for ten pounds — hut he gave one for twenty on the previous
day, in order to accomplish the object.

It is a fact that the master of one of the Union Workhouses shed
a tear — hut he was standing near the cook who was scraping horse-
radish.

It is a fact that Mr. Overhead can j^lace his hand upon his heart,
and declare he does not owe a shilling in the world — hut he has just
taken the benefit of the Insolvent Act.

It is a fact that Lord Stingy patronised the performances at
Covent Garden Theatre twice last season — hut he went with an
order on each occasion.

It is a fact that the benevolent Mr. Bountiful gave his watch and
purse to a miserable object on HouubIow Heath — hut he perceived
a stout bludgeon peeping from beneath the rags of the mendicant.

It is a fact that the coffer-dam of the Hungerford Suspension
Bridge was drained completely dry— hut it was full of water a week
afterwards.

It is a fact that Oxford Street is at last paved with wood — hut
the alteration has caused much annoyance to the heads of the
parish.

It is a fact that the Society for the protection of life against fire
were on the spot with their apparatus — hut it was two days after
the conflagration had happened.

It is a fact that Mr. Feeling expresses great sjrmpathy for the
poor — hut he was never known to feel in his pocket for theii' rehef.

It is a fact that some of the low-priced bakers give full weight—
lut they are very liberal of alum.

A A

354 THE COMIC ALMAXACli. t^^43-

MARCH WINDS.

The Meteorological Society held their great meeting on "Waterloo
Bridge, to watch the nature of the March wmds, and several very
interesting phenomena were made manifest. A memher having
placed himself in one of the recesses, waited the coming of a gust
from the north, and was presently in a jposition to relate the fol-
lowing particulars.

His first sensation was that of a severe blow in the face, which
di-ew moisture from both his eyes, and sent out his hair into a
number of almost horizontal lines, some of them forming right
angles with his forehead. On turning his back, for the purpose of
further experiments, his hat underwent such rapid rarefaction, that,
becoming considerably lighter than the air, it was carried, in a
slanting direction, a few inches from his head, when the expansive
power of the atmosphere having ceased to take full effect, the gos-
eamer fell by its own specific gravity to the earth, and revolved on
its own axis as far as the toll-gate.

A most interesting experiment was then tried with an ordinary
umbrella, upon which, in its closed state, the March wind was found
to have no particular power, though it was ascertained that there
was an equal atmospheric pressure on every part of the gingham.
On putting the umbrella up, and presenting it to the wind, the
holder of the machine was carried gently backwards, but on his
turning round, the sight became very animating to the bystanders.
The umbrella was completely turned inside out, and, at length, the
whole concern collapsed with a frightful crash — the points to which
the gingham was fastened being compressed together in a reverse
position to that which they were intended to occupy. The iron
rods attached to the whalebone immediately fell into angular
figures, and it was not thought advisable to proceed further with
the experiment.

It was proved, beyond the possibility of doubt, that if the human
eye be kept wide open in a March wind, the dust will be carried
upwards until it reaches the organ of vision. This was experienced
in two or three cases ; and an enthusiast in the cause repeated the
experiment several times, when it was found to fail in no single
instance.

iS43-J

MAKCIl.

355

DISTEAINING FOR RENT.— A COURT LEYY.

Hollo ! What's this ? — of dirty-looking fellows what a hevy !

It's the sheriff's people, I declare, coming to hold a levy ;

It's true, since in the place I've been, no rent I've had to pay.

But they might give one a little quarter, at least, on quarter-day.

They know I've paid some taxes, and surely might have waited,

For, like a hook that's greatly puff'd, I'm sadly overrated;

The landlord surely did not think that I would have decamp'd,

Although by last year's water I was very nearly swamp'd.

They charge one dear for stuff that e'en to think of makes one shiver,

Much more to drink ; I mean, of course, the fluid from the river ;

By paying for it separate, as water, we're deluded,

For, when we come to use it, we find the gas included ;

But, then, the Water Companies at trifles never stick,

They really lay it on, at times, abominably thick ;

The tax collectors of distress will never make no bones,

I'm sure the paving board are, in their hearts, a set of stones.

And as for windows, 'tis a shame, a rate for them to levy,

Which makes, as every one allows, the light come precious heavy ;

But what am I about ? oh ! dear, amid this long digression,

The broker's man's got in, and I have lost my self-possession !

ai.

A protocol signed, announcing Mehemet All's uncon-
ditional submission to the Sultan.

The Sultan now may stand at ease,

Though Mehemet made him tremble daily,

When Ali, bent upon a breeze,
Was regularly Haily Galey.

The Allied Sovereigns entered Paris, 1814, and on the last
day of the month ended their inarch.
aa2

35^ THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843

COLD WATER.

BY A PUPIL OF ONE OF THE LAKE POETS.

Some sing the peaceful pleasures of tlie plains,
"While other bards invoke the groves and woods ;

But I, enamour' d of incessant rains,
Will make my theme cold water and the floods.

Let others sit beneath the leafy shade,

While murmuring breezes softly float about ;

But I in purling brooks delight to wade,

Or stand beneath some friendly water-spout.

'Tis sweet the nectar of the gods to quaff,

xV^d very pleasant is the rosy wine ;
Reireshing is the taste of " half-and-half,"

But of all drinks cold water shall be mine.

The verdant turf is grateful to the feet,
And some recline upon the mossy vale ;

But smoothest lawns yield not so soft a seat.
As that afforded by a well-fill'd pail.

Before another century has fled,

Water, thy virtues none will dare deny ;

Posterity will humbly bare its head.

When thou in rain descendest from the sky.

The workman, when his daily labour's done,

Eager alike for luxury and rest,
^Vill to his water-butt impatient run,

The spigot turn — he under — and be blest !

No longer to the couch will idlers fly.
When the siesta they would fain invite ;

But 'neath the pump will indolently lie.

While lackeys work away with all their mighu

No more will builders try their utmost skill.

As now, to render houses waterproof;
But all their tiles in little holes they'll drill

And make a shower-bath in every roof.

Economists will search in every street

For friendly water-spouts supplied with rain ;

Where, gratis, they may with the luxury meet-
Ay, luxury ! — of water on the brain.

No more shall watering-pots their blessings shed,
Alone on vegetables, fruit, and flowers ;

But man, reclining on a water bed,

Shall be refresh'd by gently falling showers.

:84.3-] ^^^^ WATER. 357

Umbrellas, also, will be only known

By specimens in old museums seen,
Whicli, as barbaric relics, will be shown

Of customs curious tbat once have been.

And if some Macintosh (which now we wear,
To keep off wet) escape the wreck of time,

Posterity may find it, and declare

Such cruel things were made to punish crime.

And when 'tis read in history's faithful page

That pickpockets were pump'd on, now and then,

Our children will despise a foolish age,

That so much honour'd such unworthy men.

Then hail ! all hail ! to hydropathic skill,
Upon whose principles it stands confess'd.

That he who cisterns vast will freely swill
May dropsy cure — or water on the chest.

For nauseous drugs no use there soon will be ;

For salts, magnesia, senna, no pretence ;
Dispensing chemists, all men will agree

To view as things with which they can dispense.

Physic to agriculture they'll apply,

And write prescriptions for a sickly crop ;

With fever mixtures, when the land's too dry,
Inflammatory action they will stop.

In every farm, so modern savans say,

A chemist wiU be always needed near ;
For, if the corn unhealthmess display,

He'd dose it for diseases of the ear.

A PEOVEEB EEFUTED.

At the Surrey menagerie every one knows,

(Because 'tis a place to which every one goes,)

There's a model of Eome ; and as round it one struts.

One sinks the remembrance of N'ewington Butts ;

And having a shilling laid down at the portal,

One fancies one's self in the city immortal.

This model so splendid one night was burn'd down.

When, lo ! the next day, 'twas announced to the town

That the damage had all been repair'd and put straight,

In time for the next zoological /e?e.

Then who is there henceforth will venture to say

That Rome cannot sometimes be built in a day.

358 APRIL. [1843.

IMPORTATION OF FOREIGN ASSES UNDER THE
NEW TARIFF.

Oh ! what on earth indnced Sir Robert Peel

Such wondrous sympathy to feel
For that unprofitable class — the foreign ass ?
When we have native asses by the score,
How could Sir Robert think we needed more ?
But the provision is not worth a pin,
Which now, for twenty shillings, lets them in ;
When they have all along been coming over,
For half a guinea, in the boats to Dover.
If with the common donkey we compare

The foreign asses— they disj^lay

A trifling difference of bray.
With coats peculiar, and lengthy hair.
Zoologists the jackass would describe
As of the vertebrated tribe,
But then there's so much softness in the head,
To the molluscous class, it might be said,
The foreign donkey throng — belong.
With further information all may meet.
On any afternoon, in Regent-street.

9. Fire Insurances due.

All those who don't msh their insurance to stop,

Out of policy wont let their pohcy drop ;

And 'tis better, a premium though they require.

To be scorch'd in the 8un, than burnt out in the fire.

ODE TO SIGNOR RUBINI.

Great vocalist ! that tak'st, with wondrous ease,

A rapid passage on the highest C's ;

Thy compass beats the mariner's quite hollow,

For where it leads none but thyself can follow ;

And then the wind, at wiU, 'tis thou canst raise.

By gentle airs, for which the public pays ;

Thy skill e'en that of Orpheus far surpasses,

He charm'd wild beasts, but thou enchantest asses,

As in their stalls — places for donkeys fit —

With ears erect the dilettanti sit.

When hanging on the honey of thy lij^,

Melhfluous harmony we seem to sip ;

And, listening to the strain sent forth by thee,

A paradise the opera would be,

But for the little truth our pui'ses teach,

That we are minus half a guinea each.

1843-J 359

THE BEITISH MUSEUM TWO HUNDRED
YEARS HENCE.

The British Association foi' tlie Advancement of Science, -wliicli began Its
meetings at Bristol, lias since been strongly recommended to go to Bath ; and
if it is not sent permanently to Coventry before the year 2043, we may
conceive its having reached by that time a state of stagnancy in the neigh-
bourhood of Bloomsbury. As there will, of course, be antiquarians among
them, imagination can easily picture them clinging fondly to St. Giles's, as
the quarter inhabited by the Anglo-Greeks ; and the members will, no doubt,
be searching, a hundred years hence, for the fossil remains of petrified crows
in the neighbourhood of the Eookery.

The following is an anticipatory report of the meeting of the Association,
after having been cradled in the laps of time during the lapse of a couple of
centuries.

REPOET OP THE COMMITTEE, APRIL 1, 2043.

Your Committee have the satisfaction to state that, their funds being
thoroughly exhausted, they have been enabled to save the usual expense of
travelling, and have taken advantage of the liberality of the Government for
the purpose of visiting the British Museum. Your Committee remained some
time at the outer gate, for the purpose of making some observations on two
boxes, which it is imderstood have been there for sentries ; but, as they have
not discovered what a sentry is, your Committee conclude that the word
must be a coi-ruption of centuries.

On going through the court-yard the Association made some experiments
upon the atmosphere, with the view of calcuhiting the diflerence (by means
of the differential calculus) between the air inside the gates and that which
circulates on the outside ; but your Committee are unaljle to state any satis-
factory result to their arduous experiment.

On entering the hall of the Museum your Committee have to complain of
being deprived of their walking-sticks ; but this annoyance was in some
degree compensated by their receiving in exchange some very curious pieces
of tin, which are, no doubt, of very ancient origin. They were at once referred
to the chairman of the mineralogical section, who pronounced them to be the
coin generally in use in the nineteenth century, for the word tin is frequently
met with, in old books, where money is clearly the article alluded to.

Upon reaching the great room your Committee were met by an officer of
the Museum, who conducted them over the building, and pointed out to your
Committee the chief objects of interest.

The Association had the satisfaction of looking at a very ancient machine,
called the stocks, which served the double purpose of punishing offenders and
regulating the money market. The chairman of your Committee was
appointed to sit on the stocks, and did so for a considerable time, in the
course of which he fully ascertained how they might have been available for
punishment, but he is still at a loss to discover the monetary uses which our
ancestors evidently put them to. It must be regarded as one of the lost arts,
like chuck-fartiiing, and other mysteries, which are now only left to us in the
pages of history.

Your Committee were greatly delighted by a series of portraits of a tribe of
individuals, ca-vrymg Jlagelli, or whips, and whose noses were made the subject

360 THE COMIC ALMANACK. l.I^4.3*

of a very learned paper by your president. The extreme redness of the point
was formerly supposed to arise from drinking brandy ; but your president
having taken several successive draughts of that spirit, without any peculiar
redness in the nose becoming immediately obvious, was prevented by ex-
haustion, ending in utter prostration, from continuing his very ingenious and
interesting experiment. It is believed, by your Committee, that the redness
of ncse, which was characteristic of the old auriga, or coach-driver, arose
from a constant habit of blushing, which the peculiar modesty of the race, as
it is found alluded to in reports of police cases in past ages, would account
for easily.

But the great attraction to your Committee consisted in the two celebrated
figures of antiquity, known to the public as the Whig and Tory, by whom,
according to old writers, this country was torn for a considerable period.
Your committee congratulate themselvw that they do not live in those
shocking times, when, according to contemporary writers, the Whigs ruined
the British Constitution four times in six years, and the Tories gave, in the
game period, eleven death-blows to public liberty. How the Constitution
ever was restored to health, or how liberty was brought to life, has greatly
puzzled your Committee ; but they have at last discovered that there were,
in those days certains pills which eradicated everything ; and, as mention is
made in old books of various pillars of the state, your Committee have no
hesitation in attributing the wondrous cures to the means alluded to.

Your Committee had almost forgotten to mention a very curious old
machine, called a drop ; and, taken in connexion with the black-letter phrase
of " a drop too much," there can be no doubt that the drop now in the
Museum was that which is constantly spoken of as "too much," by the old
chroniclers.

The remains of a gibbet also gave rise to a curious discussion in one of
the sections, and your Committee at last decided that the instrument was
used by a hanging committee attached to a society of painters, who, under
the pretext of executing justice, were in the habit of resorting to all sorts of
cruelty.

The Association were likewise favoured with the perusal of a very scarce
old volume, mysteriously labelled, "A tax-gatherer's Book;" from which
your Committee are led to infer, that there were formerly a class of marauders
who traversed the kingdom, going from door to door, and exacting sums of
money from the inhabitants. To show the frivolous pretexts that sufficed for
these plunderers to carry on their system of rapine, your Committee have
only to observe that a demand was made on account of light and air, which
were actually in those days paid for by the people in the form of what was
called a window-tax.

Your Committee having concluded their inspection of the British Museum,
returned into the open air ; and a shower of rain coming on, they had an
opportunity of making a series of observations on the effect which moisture
produces upon the skin, and the power of the animal caloric, in the human
toot, to resist for a time the chill ultimately engendered by walking into
puddles.

1843.] HAY. 361

THE BOUNDARY QUESTION.

The parlours of a house in Pleasant Row

Were occupied by Mrs. Snow ;

The first-floor front and back

"Were tenanted bj Mrs. Black.

As neighbours, it is doubtful whether
They might not, perhaps, have lived and loved together,

But for their occupations ever clashing—

Both took in washing !
In quarrels they might ne'er have been entangled,

With bitter, friendship's cup had ne'er been dash'd,
If Mrs. Snow alone had wash'd.
Or had the fates ordain'd that Mrs. Black had mangled.
But destiny had otherwise decreed !
On the same house the passer-by might read
Two boards inscribed with letters large and clear,
" Washing done," said one ;

The other, mocking, answered " here."

Heart-burnings soon arose,

Both wish'd to boil their clothes,

A wish, on either side, extremely proper.

Yet neither one was worth a separate copper.
But linen (as to all the world is known)
Is not got out of hand by being boil'd alone ;
Another process it must needs abide —
It must be dried ;
The operation of the tub
Was, in this instance, not the only rub !
In little houses it is always found.
The space is small allowed for drying ground.
Such was the fault in mapping out the Row
Inhabited by Mesdames Black and Snow ;
The boundary question they could never settle.
The copper feud had put them on their mettle ;
And, to this day, it's not agreed, in fine.
Where each shall be content to draw the line.

362 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843

EEPORT ON THE PUBLIC HEALTH..

The Commissioners for inquiring into the state of tlie publio
health have forwarded to each of their assistants a copy of the
following_ questions, with instructions to put them to all persons
residing in, visiting, or passing through the district : —

Q. How are you ?
^ This was the first and most obvious inquiry that the Commis-
sioners ordered to be addressed to the population; but, as the
returns were by no means so full as could be desired, it was deter-
mined to add another question, which should distinguish those
cases in which disease has been inherited. For this purpose it was
arranged that a second, or sup23lementary question should be framed,
and the Commissioners drew up the following : —

Q. How is your mother ?

To both these questions the Commissioners have received nume-
rous replies, most of them short and concise ; but it has been
observed that considerable soreness has been exhibited in some
cases, in which it has been thought advisable to ask for information
under the second head. The habits, or, perhaps, the Commissioners
ought rather to say, the prejudices of the English people are averse
to any investigation into their domestic afi"airs ; and many, when
the health of their mothers has been inquired into, have manifested
a spirit that the Commissioners have found very detrimental to the
success of their efforts.

It occuiTcd to the Commissioners that the chemists' shops in
230or neighbourhoods would supply a vast mass of statistical in-
formation on the subject of the public health, and they have ordered
a return of all the prescriptions made up within the last year,
classing them under the two heads of cathartic and stimulant.
The Commissioners have also ordered a schedule to be drawn up ot
all medicine-bottles purchased at the rag-shops, and have instructed
their assistants to drain the contents of those which were not quite
empty, for the purpose of ascertaining their ^Droperties, with a view
to classing them under the heads already mentioned.

It has been clearly ascertained that, in nine cases of acute tooth-
ache, in a very low neighbourhood, six " had it out," one applied a
leech to the gum, and two did nothing. In a series of ninety-foui
cases of cough, it has been calculated that four ounces of Spanish
liquorice were consumed, while about one moiety of the patients
very patiently waited to see what time would do for them.

The Commissioners observe, with regret, that the ordinary sneeze
has been lately prevalent, but it does not appear that any safe mode
of treatment has yet been discovered for checking it. The Commis
sioners think it better to trust to nature in such a matter, though
they have known the operation of di'awing the finger smartly along
the bridge of the nose, towards the forehead, sometimes successfully
resorted to.

A Set-of China-J943 .

1 843-] 3^3

CHINA.

Private Letter from a Corporal in a Regiment forming part
of the Expedition.
Adatved Gal,

Here I am in Chainy, and its rather liominous that, after all jour jel-
lessy of Nancy, I should have been brought to Chuse-Ann ; but that's
nayther here nor their, for I've only my duty to my kernel, which lays in a
nutshel. If I'd a been one of the unattached, it would not have signeyfied,
but the War Office is nothing but stone, as anybody may see, who looks at
it with half a high, and the Horse Guards is, by natur, as illumered as the
illumematured clock at the top of it. But never mind ; though Guvament
Bends my legs on a march that lasts from Jannivary to Deesember, my art
can stay in the deepot of your affexions. Yes, there, without the aid o'
barracks, it is reglarly barrackaded. But I spose you'd like me to tell yer
something about Chainy and the Chainees. Well, yew no the plates called
the villa pattern, with three fellers on a bridge, looking as if they vus a goin
fishin — the vun vith a boatook, tother vith a deal board, and the thurd vith
a cricket ball tied to the hend uv a walkin stik. Nou, I dare say yew think
that's a korrect drawin of Chainees men and manners.; but, spoonies as they
are, I never seed 'em makin such preshious basses of themselves, as they are
in all the plates yure muther has of 'em. Then the tree with the horanges,
is only to puff off the real Chainy, as they sells for two a penny in the streets ;
bekause if they vus only half as big as the hartist has made 'em they'd be
whoppers indeed, and the Chainees karacter is rayther the other way ; for
they're always whopt themselves, instead of being whoppers.

Ven I new I vus a goin to Chainy, I took a number of Chambers ; I don't
meen that I highered a sweet of rooms, but 1 bort the Hinformation for the
Peeple, treatin (as they calls it, though one has to pay for the treat) of
Chainy. Akordin to the book, I find that the natives call Chainy the middle
country, and it really is among the middlins, for everything about it is werry
indifferent. The Great Wall runs so far that one can't say where it goes to,
vich is exakly the way with the troops, though it's ony in the long run that
they are anything like the wall, for they don't behave at all like bricks in any
other partickler. A good deal has been said about the sighs of the Grate
Wall of Chainy, and won says won thing, and won another ; so that I've come
to the konklusion that it's just as broad as it's long, and that settles it. One
side of the place is bounded by the- Pacific ; and 1 spose it's bathing in the
Pacific that makes the natives fight so preshusly shy of fightin. I hunder-
stand the hurth used to be a good deal given to hurthquaking ; but the
ground has given up that game, and the quakin bisness is now dun by the
military, who are no great shakes after all, xsept in that rispect.

The natives say that Chainy is older than the deluge, but this must be a
delugion. At hall events it's not much like a place of the furst vater. I
think they make a mistake about the time when the flood happened, fur they
were overrun by a tremendous great Khan, who plunged them into hot water,
and poured the cream of the Tartar troops all over them. This made such a
hefferv^escence as never was ; and as all the pro\nnces was swamped, it's like
euuff they mistook the bursting out of this great Khan for the reglar deluge.

The Hemperor is called the Brother of the Moon ; and I shouldn't wunder
if he's related in sum way, for I think he's crack'd, which is a common
thing enuff in Chainy. They say he's the father of his people, and the
mother two but I don't see how they make both of 'em aparent. The

364 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843.

Guvainent robs the natives vitli vim hand, and pitches into 'em vith the
other; so that betwixt being bamboozled and bambooed, they get a nice
time of it. They used to be werry klever in science, but they're losing
their hearts like winking ; and though they don't paint particklarly good
picters, they're great dabs at colours. Indeed, dying is the only thing they
seems to excel in, as the returns of their killed will prove, to anybody's
satisfakshun. As to ourselves, I've very little noose— hardly enuff to hang
a hue upon. Of korse you hurd of the affair at the Bogue, and the pretty
Tilt we had with 'em ! but it was such a farce, that I thought of sending
the report to Messrs. Tilt and Bogue, for their Comic AUmyknack. The
knavy of the poor fellers is quite stationary, which means to say that it's
little better than brown paper ; and as to their artillery, I don't believe their
gunpowder would be strong enuff to shake the nerves of an old washer-
woman. The soldiers all of 'em ware tails, and seem to be wery proud on
'em, for they always turn 'em to us direktly they cum into akshun. Poor
Lin, who was to be the grate card, has turned out anything but a trump ;
and I shouldn't wonder if he gets cut at last by a chop from the Hemperor.
The Chainees are weiTy proud of their feet, which I don't wunder at, con-
siderin that, in battle, they owe so much to 'em. The wumen's shoes are
so small that it hinterferes with rithmetic, and makes a foot only three or
four inches. It only shows how cramped they are in their hunderstandings.
I've urd it said that, sum day or anuther, the Chainees will adopt our abbits.
Only fancy the Hemperor in a coat down to his eels, and knee britches,
vitch, they say, will ewentually be the long and the short of it. As to our
fashonable kustoms, they'd easy enuff fall into them, for I've seen 'em dance
at a ball in the most natral manner.

But I must konklude ; for a Chainee regiment of 600 is cummin on, and
I'm ordered to relieve guard, with my six men, a quarter of an hour before
the time, so as to kill two burds with wun stone, by changing the sentries
and frightnin away the henemy. — Your dewoted Mathew Musket.

THE COMPLETION OF THE TUNNEL.

This stupendous work is finished, and Wapping has reason to be proud of
such a truly wapping undertaking. Perhaps no enterprise ever had so much
cold water thrown upon it, and never was there a project which it seemed at
one time so difficult to go through with. The engineer has worked like a
horse, and has scarcely ever been out of the shaft.

The original shareholders, whose pockets were well drained, in fruitless
efforts to drain the tunnel, have now the satisfaction of once more running
through their property. For some time the ardour of the projectors was
damped by the works going on rather too swimmingly. When accidents
were every-day occurrences the Tunnel was a matter of interest ; but since
the water has been effectually kept out, it has become a dry subject.

On more than one occasion the Company would have been swamped, in
spite of all hands being put to the pumps, if Government had not lent their
sucker. The funds, in fact, were at low-water mark long before the works
reached the same desirable point ; and the more the Tunnel was sot afloat
l^ie more were the shareholders aground in their undei'taking.

But the perils are now past, and the Tunnel remains as a monument to
British enterprise. We should call it, perhaps, a pillar to the fame of the
engineer,»if it were not that a pillar is incomplete without two things, one
of which — the shaft — has been taken away, while the proprietors have long
since lost sight of the capital.

1843.J JUNE. 365

THE CUP DAY AT ASCOT.

Well, tkis is beautiful, I do declare !

The bustle makes the scene a perfect fair,

Only there's so much fraud with great and small,

That, at a race, there's nothing fair at all ;

Now, clear the ground, that horse is sure to win !

What ! that poor brute ! it looks uncommon thin ;

They call it thoroughbred, but all must own

The animal is more like thorough bone.

But, after all, its backers show their gumj)tion.

The creature's in a galloping consumption ;

And though for many months it cannot last,

It all the symptoms shows of going fast.

They're oni they're off! oh, what a slapping pace!

Here's the perfection of the human race.

That rider will be thrown, 'tis very plain.

The only chance now left him is the mane :

The race is over, and the sport is up ;

We'll leave them to enjoy their stakes and cup.

Now for the wine — the hamper let's unpack.

The glasses can be ready in a crack.

Oh dear ! look here ! this is a sad to-do.

During the run the wine's been running too ;

And shan't I get into a pretty scrape,

This borrow'd cloak is done for with the cape ;

Of my best wine this is a pretty clearer,

I wish it were my cheaper, not Madeira.

Well, let us have a glass of port instead ;

We can't, here's all the crust upon the bread.

'Tis useless now to grumble at our fate,

We came to Ascot for the cup and plate ;

While to our lot it has but chanced to fall,

That we see nothing in them after all !

2. Lord Howe's victory, 1794.

The French, no doubt, had made a vow-
To conquer — but they knew not How(e).

21. Queen Victoria proclaimed. The longest day.

The Queen proclaimed upon the longest day i
May this coincidence be not in vain ;

But prove prophetic of her lengthen'd sway,
And to the longest day prolong her reign.

3^6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [184.'^.

THE CHIMKEY-SWEEPEH'S LAIIENT.
ITroN my vord and honour I never know'd sich times,
The climbing-boys must emigrate, and go to other climes ;
The Lords and Kemmins, and the Kveen— yes, she, and all, alas !
Has pass'd an act, the vicli I call a werry pretty pass :
They've aksliually made a law, vich says, or else implies.
Henceforth, in his purfession, no chimney-sweep shall rise.
They've closed agin us all the chimneys — isn't it a shame ?
How would the politicians like all to be sarved the same ?
Because if all the dirty vays of rising should be barr'd.
Then politicians on themselves would find it werry hard.
Vy take the law ! It must be owned the road's uncommon black,
By vich they werry often rise to sit upon the sack.
If clean straightforward paths had been the only ones allow'd.
How many chancellors might still have swell'd the briefless crowd !
For dirty vays may often raise a knave that's keen and cool.
Who otherwise might get the sack, but not the sack of wool.
Oh ! vot is to become on us, and vither shall we rash ?
They tell us that ve mustn't sweep, and yet they bid us bnish.
Its vatchful eye on all but us the public kindly keeps,
They've got Humane Societies for everything but sweeps
Mayhap because the soot upon our faces does perwail,
Society believes that we are not within its pale ;
But never mind, I'll emigrate, and then I'll live at ease,
Though chimneys I'm forbid to sweep, at least I'll sweep the seas ;
And of the natives to make friends I'll do my best to try,
But if they run, vot then ? — I'm used to see blacks fly.
Or else to China I vill go, indeed I do not joke,
To stop the trade in opium, by curing all the smoke.
'Tis true I love my native land ; but then, agin, you see,
My lucky I'm obliged to cut, because it has cut me :
But now good bye, I must not waste more time in idle talks.
And since my future walk's chalk'd out — at once I'll walk my chalks.

WHAT'S TO BE BONE WITH THE PAElSS 'PREKTIOES?

Poor little Jim, so short and slim,
A sweep alone, before, would take him ;
But since the law's new sweeping clause^
The parish must a yrow-sir make him.

EEMAEKS ON THE WEATHER.

Perhaps the best method of ascertaining the fact of its being warm or
cold is to go out into the air ; but if you are unable to do this, and a person
coming in from out of doors is seen to rub his hands, you may presume that
the atmosphere is chilly.

An infallible method of ascertaining whether it is wet is to watch the
puddles in the streets, and if you see them agitated you may conclude that
rain is descending.

If there has been a frost at night you may look for ice in the morning,
and, in winter, if you have no thermometer, you may get some valuable
information from the state of your pitcher.

The rattling of tiles overhead indicates wind ; and a descent of soot down
your chimney foretells rainy weather.

The approach of winter may generally be prognosticated by a general
display of Chesterfield AVrappers, at the doors of cheap tailors' shops ; but
when 25,000 straw bonnets are seen in linendrapers' windows, spring may be
confidently looked forward to.

When the water-carts are particularly active you may expect rain ; and if
a flash of lightning is visible, prepare for thunder.

When you see the advertisement of a flower-show, it would be prudent to
provide yourself on the day named with an umbrella.

If your water has not come into your cistern, you may conclude there has
been frost, unless you happen to be in arrear with your rates, when the
phenomenon may be otherwise accounted for.

SCIENCE UNDER DIVERS FORMS.

Letter from a Passenger on Board the Submarine Steamer.

Well, here we are, safe and sound at the bottom of the Bay of Biscay,
where we intend to sleep one night, for the purpose of testing the qualities
of the bed of the ocean, which consists, as you will suppose, of several sheets
of water, and plenty of wet blankets, with billows instead of pillows on the
top of it.

Not being able to keep my head above water I determined on making a
bold plunge, and therefore took my passage in the submarine steamer, where
several others, who were, like myself, over head and cars, were anxious to
keep out of the way, and having sunk all my available capital, I thought it
better to sink myself by way of looking after it.

We have had a very delightful voyage, but we met on our way with some
very odd fish, who stared rather rudely in at our cabin windows, and a party
of lobsters looked exceedingly black as we passed very near to them. The
mermaids were much alarmed at first, but soon became reconciled to our
appearance, and, when we talked of weighing our anchor, they, with much
simplicity, oflered us the use of their scales.

You are aware that a company is forming for the purpose of turning the
tide of emigration towards the bottom of the sea ; and if people can live under
water, they ought not, from mere motives of pride, to be above it. There will,
of course, be some difficulty in dealing with the natives, but we have taken
the precaution to treat with an influential oyster, who, however, keeps ex-
tremely close,- andj if he will not manifest a little more openness, it is expected

368 THE COMld ALMANACK. [1843.

that war to the knife must be resorted to. We at first anticipated some
hostility from the sharks, but, as we purposely abstained from bringing any
lawyers among the first settlers, we have now very little fear of a collision on
account of conflicting interests.

The appearance of our vessel has caused a considerable sensation among
the inhabitants of the ocean, but we have followed the plan of the early
emigrants to strange parts, and endeavoured to propitiate the various fish
by trifling presents. We threw a box of antibilious pills to a large party of
Cockles, and we pitched overboard a quantity of false collars to a group of
salmon, whose gills seemed sadly out of condition. We also distributed
copies of Crabbe and Shelley to as many of the crustaceous fish as approached
near enough to our vessel to enable us to do so ; while to a dog-fish we pre-
sented a fine specimen of bark, which he did not appear very much to relish.
We met on our way down with one of the white sharks, which are known to
be the terror of mariners. The creature stared at us with both its eyes, and,
while we maintained an awful silence, the shark seemed to respond to our
muteness by holding its jaw in the most alarming manner : the extended
cavity of its frightful mouth presented a harrowing exhibition, and it seemed
as if, like other exhibitions, it might be " open from ten to four," and then it
would have been ten to one if we had escaped from being drawn into it.
The tremendous teeth seemed clearly to indicate that there would be " no
admittance except on business," and we at length sheered off from sheer
timidity.

If we can only manage to get up a colony down here, there will be plenty
of patronage at our disposal ; and if we are allowed the appointment of a
bishop, where can there be a finer see than that which is here open to him ?
I have already issued prospectuses of a grand Oceanic Agricultural Assoda
tion, to be established for the purpose of regularly ploughing the deep, and
dividing the proceeds among the shareholders. I state, in my advertisement,
that, as we know the sea has produced sea-weed, we may reasonably expect
that other vegetable matter may be reared, and as ii'rigation is the chief
expense of agriculture, the saving in the article of water alone must keep
the thing afloat — to say nothing of what will naturally flow into the coffers
of the company.

I must now conclude my letter, for the vessel is about to start ; and, as
"tide and time wait for no man," you will perceive that I am so far tied to
time as to be unable to add more than that I am

Your right down friend at the bottom,

David Drinkwateb.

P.S. — ^We have tiot yet visited the extensive locker of Davy Jones,
Esquire, but we intend very shortly doing so.

SO. Penndied, 1718.

'Tis very obvious that science therl
Had not found out the everlasting pen.

Ccuj ricrt%X- ~. S i~JAilU H dt-5 t^ "JrAvtHin^ CaA,-daj^ ite<-cfeo- Ckwiiorb .<fco <kc tkcl

THE TAX UPON PROPERTY

1843.]

JULY.

36$

EFJTECTS OF THE INCOME-TAX.

Everybody is beginning to draw in to meet tlie necessity for pulling out.
Tradesmen are reducing their expenses in all directions, and a respectable
grocer has just dismissed an assistant who suited him to a T. A cook-shop
boy, who used to be ke^Dt purposely to carry out the provisions to the customers,
has been sent away, in order to enable the proprietor to carry out the provisions
of the income tax. A large linendrapery house in the Westminster Koad has
cut off "a young man," who is thus thrown, as it were, as a burden on the rest
of the commiinity.

Individuals in a respectable sphere of life, who could fonnerly keep a page,
have been obliged to turn over a new leaf ; and it is a positive fact that a
Conservative peer intends, in the ensuing Session, putting down a Brougham.

But it is not only among old and established interests that the burden will
be felt, for it is ascertained beyond doubt that the boys will be alarming suf-
ferers. The toffey dealers have already commenced manufacturing an inferior
article, which is being palmed off upon the juveniles as the genuine Everton.
We have personally analysed a piece of Albei-t rock, under the new system,
and we have discovered an increased proportion of sand in its composition.
It is also a lamentable fact that a baked potato man has stopped up — we hope
not permanently — one of the chimneys of his apparatus, besides extinguishing
one of the fine lanterns with which it is adorned — a piece of retrenchment
that will fall first on the oilman, and ultimatelj^ on the whale-fishing interests.

An influential publican has shockingly reduced his only potboy, and the
unhappy lad is walking about the streets on a salary four^^er cent, under that
f>f last year — a miserable victim to the income-tax, and a martyr (of course) to
Tory ascendancy.

liespectable families, who never before considered the matter worth a thought,
ai'e looking narrowly to the candle-ends, giving, it is true, a momentary impulse
to the trade in save-alls, but the flush is feverish, and will, of course, be fol-
lowed by depression. The perqi;isites thus lost, by a stoppage in the kitchen-
stuff commerce, can only be made up by the servants taking it out of their
masters' bones, wnich used formerly to be abandoned to the grubbers, who
must in future look for grub in some other direction.

The penny-a-liners have also been lowered, in order to enable some of the
newspaper proprietors to pay the income-tax, but it is expected this reduction
will be counterbalanced by the increase in the number of cases of real distress,
and the other raw articles wbich form the staple of paragraphs.

B B

370 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843

AIR-UM SOAEE-UM TEAYELLING.

" Who's for the excursion round tlie moon r
Here's the ' Original Fly Balloon.' "

*' Is it this that calls

At the top of St. Paul's,
Where I'm to take up my wife and bahby P"

" 'No, sir, it's not ours ;

We only touch at the towers
Of Westminster Abbey."

We stop at the Great Bear,
To take in air ;
Then at once, without waiting at all, we fly on,

In hopes of being in time to hear

Some of the music of the sphere,
Accompanied by the band of Orion.
What a funny sensation it is the clouds to enter :

Oh, don't you know the reason why

You feel rather comic when up in the sky ?
'Tis caused by your distance from gravity's centre.

But here's the Zodiac, where we dine,

The Bull or the Lion is the sign ;

To stop at Aquarius does not answer.

But we call to-day at the Crab, if we Can-sir.

Here's a lawyer wants to be starting soon,

To watch the action of the moon ;

A barrister wishes much to know

If a place is vacant, that he may go _

To study the laws of the stars' rotation.

With them keep pace,

As they roll through space,
And join their circuit in the long vacation.

The day of railways will be o'er.

And steam will be esteem' d no more.

When the result is seen

Of the esperiment of Mr. Green,

Who says he can, as a matter of course.

In a balloon the Atlantic cross ;

And, by way of proving he can.

He shows us a x^art of his plan.

Which looked, in miniature, very neat.

At the Polytechnic in Regent Street,

And answered, the truth to tell,

Uncommonly well.

As far as it went ; but, the fact to say,

It went but a very little way.

Air-um Scare-um Travellini

1 843-] AIR-UM SCARE-UM TRAVELLING. 37 1

No one could doubt the success of the notion,

If Hanover Square

One might compare
To the wide Atlantic Ocean.

It's a very fine thing,

To take hold of a string
Attached to a pretty toy balloon,

Guiding it easily either way,

And undertaking to say
The Atlantic may be traversed soon.

By similar means ;
Which will be credited by men

When all the world are Greens,
But not till then !

TAKING OF NINGPO.

When Ningpo fell, it was, in fact,
To the Chinese an awful stunner ;

They fled in rank-s so closely pack'd
As to remind one of Go-runner.

VIOTOEY OF GENEEAL SALE.

It was enough — oh ! was it not ?

To turn with fright the Indians pale,
When knock'd down in an awful lot,

Without reserve, by General Sale.

OVEELAND MAIL AEEIVED FEOM INDIA.

I REAXLY cannot understand

How in its speed there's aught to brag on,
When the mail journeys overland,

Convey'd from India by a Wagho(r)n.

B V, V

372 AUGUST. tx843.

GAEDENING DIEECTIONS FOR AUGUST.

Blow off dust from plants in flower — using the moutli for the
more delicate sorts, and taking the bellows for those that are of
stronger constitution. Pull back ivy from adjacent gardens, and
train up against your own wall, with pieces of old waistcoating.

For borderings, you may now resort freely to the planting of
oyster- shells, which you can procure in large quantities from the
boys, after the grottos are demolished. It is not advisable to have
recourse to box, though, if you have planted it very close in the pre-
vious season, you may fill up the spaces that you -svill now find,
with the oyster-shells. They are not so liable to be attacked by
the grubs, and the cats do not displace them so readily by running
over them.

THE LONG YACATIOK

Poor briefless one ! thy furrowed face
For thy jDrofession shows thy fitness ;

And in its parchment lines we trace.

Too plainly, " These indentures witness.*

Thy gown, thy bag, and all around,

Bespeak thine utter desolation ;
Thy purse would lank and void be found —

Yes, all proclaims the long vacation.

Thy voice in court is always mute ;

For known to all thy friends the fact is.
That, to thy melancholy flute.

Thou dost confine thy chamber practice.

They think thy clerk must sure enjoy
A sinecure — they much mistake ;

They little know the wretched boy

Both cleans thy boots, and cooks thy steak.

Thy friends predicted unto thee

A judgeship; pray excuse my broaching

A theme that must unpleasant be,

Though to the bench thou art approaching.

Be of good cheer ! perhaps, at last,

Fate may with some appointment bless thee,
And all thy present trials past,

In " brief authority" still dress thee.

1843] 373

SHOW OF HANDS FOR A LIBEEAL CAN'DIDATE.

The borougli is in commotion ; the public spirit of the place, Avliich is cold
■without excitement, has become warm -with ; and every one, "with the imder-
standing of an infant, is in arms for one or the other of the candidates.

The bill-stickers are beginning to stick np for the different parties to the
approaching contest, and a linendraper has cut his principles to ribbons by
selling his favours to both sides. The Liberal candidate has just come into the
to"WTi, and has taken an oath that he will not spend a shilling in the contest ;
so that, unless his agents tmderstand business better than he does, his return
to Parliament is out of the question ; but his return to the place from whence
he came would be the wisest step possible.

The Tory candidate has taken another course, and all the voters in his in-
terest are reeling drunk about the streets, prepared to fight, or in fact to do
anything but to stand up for him.

The nomination took place yesterday, when the show of hands was decidedly
in favour of the Liberal ; but, on the Tory being proposed, there was an exten-
sive show of cabbage-stalks, one of which was transplanted into the eye of the
honourable candidate. Most of the hands that were held iip had something
upon the nail ; and it is generally inimoured that all the ten-pounders were
loaded to the muzzle, at a dinner given by a committee-man from London, on
the popular side, who ran away with the money entrusted to him to pay the
bill, rather than damage the good cause by letting in a proof of agency. He
preferred, like a true patriot, letting in the landlord.

The Com Laws are, of course, the subject of much difference of opinion ;
and one of the candidates is in favour of a sliding scale, while the other declares
that skates are the only things that ought to come in upon it. He expressed
also his conviction that we have no less an authority than that of Lord Nelson
for resisting, and even for evading the fixed duty ; " for," he exclaimed, "were
not these the last words of the gallant hero — ' England expects every man to do
his duty '? — which is equivalent to a strong recommendation to every man ' to
do ' the authorities who collect the duty at the custom-house."

The Income Tax has caused an immense sensation in the borough, and the
blind beggar who stands at the corner of the street, who evidently sees the
matter in its time light, is indignant at having to expose t>}'.c amount of his
earnings. He says it is an immoral law, for it places a tax Cu. the offerings of
benevolence ; but he admits that the Tariff offers him some equivalent, by let-
ting in timber at a lower rate, and givmg buoyancy to the trade in lucifers.
Many declare they do not know what their income is, and on being told they
must find it out, reply that they certainly cannot find it at home ; while others,
when called on for a return of what they have made, ask for a return of what
they have lost, a query by which the assessor is generally much mystified.
Moore and Murphy have sent back their papers without filling them up, but in
answer to the demand for an account of their last year's profits, have sent
copies of their respective almanacks, in every line of which " no prophets " ia
glaringly written.

374 THE COMIC ALMANACK. Il843«

Our Liberal candidate speaks very plainly on the subject, and declares that
ho -would rather see his constituents without any incomes at all, than that they
should be liable to the odious measure. His views on the Tariff are of the
Game bold and startling character. He denounces the Government for letting
in more asses, and plainly tells the electors that they ought to stand up for
themselves, and assert the siifficiency of native asses for all reasonable
jDui-poses.

The Toiy has been trying the old game of kissing the children, and chatting
with the wives, but the independent electors are not to be gammoned in tliis
manner, as they formerly used to be. He nursed Mrs. Snooks's twins for half
an hour yesterday, and having had them so long in his anns, he, of course,
spoke the truth when he said he knew what it must be to have a young family
on one's hands, and how very glad the parents must be to get them off as soon
as possible. He has also bought cats enough, at ten pounds a head, to stock
an island the size of St. Kitts ; but ten to one if the voters come to the scratch
after all, and if they do there will be the clause in the new act that will be sure
to catch hold of him. The election will proceed to-morrow, and an-angements
have been made with an extensive rubbish carter to bring up the out-voters,
who are expected to prove i-egular out-and-outers in favour of the Liberal. The
Tory is compelled to resort to the track system, on account of his opponent
having taken all the other modes of conveyance, and there is no doubt that a
vehicle for party pui-poses will be made of it.

The hustings have just come to the earth with a frightful crash, the scaffold-
ing having given waj^ just as a poll was being loudly demanded. The confusion
was, of course, dreadful. An unbending Whig fell on to the bald head of a
Toiy ; and a stickler for the " five points," wliich are always in his mouth, re-
ceived between his teeth the end of a walking-s-tick. A free-trader, who
expresses openly his antipathy to anything in the shape of protection, was
fortunately saved by a plank falling in a slanting direction over him ; and a
well-known participator in the late strike got a severe blow ou both arms,
which must keep the hands unemployed for a long period. The rival candi-
dates are being looked for among the rubbish, and a man is at work with f
spade, so that it may be supposed theh' situation is somewhat infra dig. at
present. Both must have received a few plumpers, and the state of theii
respective polls must be rather unsatisfactory.

7. Ilammersmitli Suspension Bridge, 1825.

The bridge is hung in chain extremely neat,
The workmen's arduous task, 'tis true, is ended,

And uniformity is made complete,
For — like the bridge — the profits are suspended.

15. A Treaty concluded between the Danish and British
governments, relative to the passage of the Sound. The
affair was managed by means of Mr. Curtis's voice-con-
ductor

i843.]

SEPTEMBER.

37n

A POETICAL EEPORT OF THE DOYER CROPPING CASE.

In Dover jail two actors were locked up to wait for bail :
They had committed a most grave offence 'gainst common sense ;
For, out of empty boxes,

Pit, and galleries,
They hoped one of the cunuiugest of Foxes

Would pay their salaries.
But this was not to be ;

And so, to settle matters in a crack,
They both resolved, if they fell short, that he,

At least, should have his whack.
The managers' exchequer, it was known,

Was one of those allowed by all to be
To cash related in the same degi-ee

As blood to stone.
The two comedians demanded cash ?
The manager, (his plan was rather rash).
Upon their absence of attraction,

His actors did begin to twit.
When it was proved to more than satisfaction

That two of them, at least, could make a hit.
•' Stop," " stop !" exclaim'd the manager, enraged,
" Nor plant your weighty blows upon my nose ;
You for the heavy business are not both engaged."
But now in Dover jail confined,

To pass the time while bail is coming.
They both for singing feel inclined,

And well-known tunes they set to humming;
But soon the jailor, passing by, prepares

To make them stop their singing.

And, as they wont, a pair of scissors bringing,
He comes, and straight cuts short their {h)airs.
" 'Twas right, no doubt," said Justice Lout,

But Graham thought " quite t'other ;"
And so the jailer bundled out,

Nor stopp'd to tell his mother.

37 6 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843.

INFANT EDUCATION.

BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY.

The grand aim of modern infant education is to make learning
very attractive ; to invest Lindley Murray with a magnetic power
over the pupil's mind, and dress Dilworth in an adhesive plaster
that shall cause all the little boys in the kingdom to stick to it. If
Mavor's Spelling can be converted into a magic speU, there is a hope
that the infant population may be charmed into an appreciation of
ha, he, hi, ho, hii ; and such will be the progress of education that we
may have, before the expiration of a century, universities at which
the wet nurse and the professor may be alike required to attend
to the j)hysical and intellectual wants of the infant students. A
Bachelor of Arts will not only be entitled to the distinction of B.A.,
but may add the letters B.T. to complete his description. It has
already been suggested that philosoi)hy should be taught by toys,
and it will be easy to give a lecture on the laws of motion, illustrated
by a game at marbles, or to explain the theory of equations by re-
ference to the pleasing pastime of nine-pins.

The Fons Asinorum, that has puzzled many of our modern youth,
will be much more easily overcome when a real donkey-ride is
resorted to ; and the difficult process of looking for the square root
will be greatly facilitated by a spade, when the student finds him-
self sent forth to dig in the garden of science.

Already has the worthy Mr. Wilderspin introduced, in many
places, the agreeable system of making fun of school; and if he
would only consent to put his infant pupils into the fantastical caps
and gowns which are worn at the universities, the joke would be
still richer than it is at present. " To that complexion we shall
come at last ;" and if education is to be made game of, the sooner
we go " the whole hog," the better.

The following is an extract from a repoi-t that is intended to illus-
trate the enormous success of the Wilderspin system : —

Teacher. What is this I hold in my hand ?

Children. A piece of glass.

Teacher. What can you do with it ?

Children. Scrape slate pencil.

Teacher. What else ? what can your eyes do with it ?

Children. Look at it.

iilil

Mil"

1 843-1 INFANT EDUCATION. 377

Teacher. If you put it to your eye can you see through it ?

Children. Not if you shut your eye.

Teacher. Can you break glass ?

Children. "We'll try {one child hreahs a ii^lndoiv).

Teacher'. Then glass is brittle ?

Children. Rather.

Teacher. Will the shutter break ?

Children. We are not going to try that.

Teacher. {Striking the shutter violently). ISTow, what have I done ^

Children. Made a great noise, and hurt your own knuckles.

Teacher. What is wax ?

Children. A soft substance.

Teacher. Is there any other sort of wax that is not soft ?

Children. Yes, the whacks you give us when we don't know our

lessons.
Teacher. What does a cow give us ?
Children. I^Tothing.

Teacher. Well, what does the milkman give us ?
Children. He gives us nothing ; we buy it.
Teacher. What do we buy from him ?
Children. Milk and water.
Teacher. What's this ?
Children. A frying-pan.

Teacher. What use does your mother make of it ?
Children. She sometimes beats father about the head with it.
Teacher. Has your mother got a mangle ?
Children. ITo, she's sold it.
Teacher. What colour is the orange ?
Children. Orange colour.

Teacher. How large is this orange which I hold in my hand ?
Children. As big again as a half.
Teacher. How long will oranges keep in this climate ?
Children. I^ot a day, when you get hold of them.
Teacher. That will do ; you may go home.
Children. Thankee, sir.

378 OCTOBER. [1843.

INDIAN RUBBER.

The Society for washing the physical blackamoor morally white,
and altering the complexion of Indian society, has sent out 1000
copies of " Major A. on Short Whist," in the hope that a friendly
rabber may do more towards rubbing off the rnst of barbarism than
any other hitherto-attempted exjDeriment. It is thought by the
Society in question that, as among Europeans those who are called
blacklegs generally succeed best at cards, the niggers, who have the
advantage of being black all over, may compete successfully with
the most accomplished member of Crockford's. The reports on the
subject aTe not yet very encouraging, for though there can be but
one odd trick in the course of a single deal, the Indian disciples of
Major A. perform a series of the very oddest tricks all through the
game ; and when their instructor endeavoured to make them iinder-
stand, by signs, that clubs were led, they followed suit in good
earnest, and began scoring away at a tremendous rate with their
tomahawks. It is feared that tbe idea of teaching the blacks by
the card must be discarded. The only game for which they show a
natural inclination is cribbage, at which their hands are always
excellent.

Among the observations and notes of the emissaries sent out by
the Society, we find it recorded, as a curious fact in natural history,
that, though perfectly black in the hand, the Indians have all the
characteristics of the light-fingered population of this country.

It is thought imjDossible to wean the natives at once from the
eccentric habit of scalping ; but it has been ingeniously suggested
that the propensity may be directed to proper objects, and it is in
contemplation to put pots of porter before one of the tribes, when,
if they proceed as usual to decapitation, leaving nothing but the
headless beer, it will not at all signify.

STOPPAGE OF THE MILLS.

Indeed, I never saw the like,

Our minds with wonder it must fill,

Though mills ensue when people strike,
The strikes have stopjj'd full many a mill,

29. Raleigh beheaded. You don't say so? ralyl

The Height of Improvement- putting up the Shutters

I843-] 379

THE HEIGHT OF IMPEOVEMENT.

Where will improvement stop ?
Oh ! why will tradesmen soar
Wildly from floor to floor,
Instead of sticking to the shop ?
Glass
Never, tiU now, was brought to such a pass.

If Smith should pull his shop-front down.
Straightway at demolition's work goes neighbour Brown.
Some facts disclosed of late
Have opened people's eyes a little.
Showing that glass concerns are sometimes brittle.
And houses may be dished that put their strength in plate.

It would be well enough if all were fair,
And, like the windows, quite upon the square ;
But 'tis not so,
Because we know
Appearances are seldom worth a pin ;
Windows and doors immense
Are often a pretence
For letting people in.

Such large concerns
Have sometimes small returns ;
And when into a scrape they fall,
The creditors look black.
And want their money back.
Or else their goods, of which there's no return at all.

'Tis wonderful, but true,
People are caught by the delusion ;
'Tis odd that glass in such profusion

Is not at once seen through.
How vain to cut a temporary dash,

If, after all.

The windows fall.
With a tremendous smash ;
But still they find a falhng ofi" in gains,
Who take less panes.

380 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^43-

In walking down a London street,

Our gaze what strange announcements meet !

One would suppose,
From many a placard, wlien you've read it,
That bankruptcy were quite a credit :

And so it is for what one knows
" A Bankrupt's Stock ! — look here !
The premises we needs must clear !"

And this is often true ;

For clear the premises they do.

And when to carry all before them they're inclined,
They sometimes take good care there's nothing left behind

That assignees can take,

A dividend to make.

And when their books are brought

Before the Court,

Their ledgers to erplain

"Would puzzle one professing leger-demain.

If shop enlargement should proceed

Beyond its present height,
Some new invention we shall need

For shutting -^.p at night.
The mania did bsgin
In building palaces for selling gin ;
But the infection's regularly caught
By tradesmen now of every sort :
We soon shall see

Tripe from gilt columns hung,

Or sausages festooned and slung
From cornices of richest filigree ;
Liver, illumined by the strongest lights,
Will tempt the passer-by at nights ;
In mirrors, whose reflection

Is skilfully on all sides thrown.
For general inspection

Hap'orths of cats' meat will be showu-.

But here we needs must stop.

Quite beaten in the race ;
With the extravagances of the shop

Imagination can't keep pace !

I843-]

NOVEMBER.

381

THE RIGHT OF SEARCH.

Come, turn out your pockets, and empty your purse,
Produce your account-books, your income to show ;

If embarrassed, exposure will make matters worse,
And perhaps 'twill be better the sooner you go.

On the margin of ruin suppose that you stand,

Oh say, man of trade, can it matter a pin
If prying commissioners lend you a hand,

To the gulf that's beneath you, to tumble you in !

Then out with your ledger ; 'tis true that you owe
Unto the assessor himself some hard cash ;

But perhaps, after all, it is right he should know,
And sell you up first, lest he lose by your smash.

With America lately we've had a great fuss,
About right of search, and the" boundary line ;

But at home, in exerting the right upon us,
To keep within bounds the assessors decline.

Then do not discourage a neighbour who'd pry ;

For though for awhile his design you may baulk,
He'll be certain to know your concerns by-and-by,

For e'en the discreetest assessor will talk.

Though you lose by your business, oh why should you care,
If the fact is presented to every one's view ?

For if your account-books no profit declare,

Though it's nothing to others — it's nothing to you.

383 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [^^43*

SOCIALISM.— ^' NEW HARMONY.'

Oh, Socialism is a pretty thing

For bards to sing :
And Harmony's a title worth some guineas,

To take in ninnies ;
And make them fancy that a place which revels
In such a name as " Harmony," must be
A spot where men like angels all agree,
Instead of quarrelling, as they do, like devils.
The harmony of such a place
Is thorough base !
They've everything in common, so they say ;
Even not uncommon wives : perchance they may ;
And, if the principle they carry through.
The babies may be sometimes common, too ;
Making it puzzling, rather,
Eor some of them to find their father.
Of goods there is community,
Leading, of course, to unity ;
If four-and-twenty Socialists require,
At the same time, the kitchen fire,

A chop to fry.
Who shall to any one the right deny ?
'For Owen says that every mau.
In his community, shall use the frying-pan.
Just when and where, and how he may require.
So brotherly love
Permits him to shove
All who imjDede him, from (or into, perhaps) the fir»
And then, how very strange
Their labour they exchan ge I
The cobbler who would like a dish

Of fish.
Goes to the fishmonger and heels a shoe,
Then carries off" a sole or two.
The lawyer wants a coat- -a decent fit ;
To pay the tailor's bill
He need but make the tailor's will,
Or serve him with the copy of a writ.

1843-] SOCIALISM — "new harmony." 383

A comic singer wants a brilliant ring !
He takes it, and begins to sing
A comic song,
Proportionably long ;
And when of stanzas there are qucmtuni siiff.,
Of bis own labour he's exchanged enough ;
Thus, by a due exertion of his wits.
He with the jeweller may soon cry quits.
" 'Tis true, 'tis pity ; pity 'tis 'tis true,"

That when the Socialists their plans endeavour
To put in force, although successful never,
Yet, in one sense, they of it make " a do :"
Their landlord they would gladly pay,
If he, to take his rent.
In labour were content :
But as he wont do that, they run away.
It is a sect, I vow.
That's much run after now ;
And SociaHsts are followed more
Than ever they had been before.
It's rather funny
That they who rail at cash as worst of human curses,
Should, out of other people's purses.
Take so much money.
Some think that honesty requires
All to their means should limit their desires ;
But Socialism rather leans

To measuring its wants by other people's means.
Brotherly love may be all veiy well in its way,
But one would rather avoid its display.
When the warmth of affection
Is shown in a predilection
(To Socialists often known)
Of treating other folk's goods as their own.
But now we bid adieu to Mr. Owen,

Who very long the game had carried on ;

Three times he set it — " going, going, going,"

And, like himself, knock'd down at last — 'tis cnone !

384

DECEMBER.

[^843.

CHEIST:MAS beef a la jMODE de taeiff.

" Beef a la mode de Tariff,'''' well I ween
To such lean cattle very few will lean.
It really passes all belief,
No wonder foreigners a'n't fond of beef.
Poor beasts, 'tis very clear

To any one possess' d of gumption,
That if they'd not come over here.
They'd have been carried oS" by home consumption.
At Christmas time, such beef to eat,
None would consider meet.
Surely the duty upon cattle laid.
For them was most unjustly paid.
When the new tariff would have let them in,
As what they are — mere skin.
If better beef than this is to the French unknown,
It must be very clear,
When it comes over here,
That what to them is hon—io us is hone.

THE FLEET MERGED IN THE QUEEN'S BENCH.

Sure England's naval glory now is past.
No more can poets to it write their odes ;

The Fleet is swamp'd — yes, it is merged at last,
jNot in the Yarmouth, but the Borough Roads.

15. Izaak Walton died, 1683.

Death at the stream of life's a constant dangler,
And on this day for Walton was an angler.

/r3.]

385

THE MILITIA.

This fine old force is still tipoii a peace footing, and tlie Govern-
ment has refused new regimentals to any of the men, who are
nearly all grown too corpulent to wear their old ones. The coat of
the colour-sergeant of the Lancashire Lights has been pieced in
the back, and is now made to meet in front; and a false hem
having been made to his regulation ducks, he is enabled, by the aid
of very lengthy straps, to wear the uniform of the regiment. The
band has dwindled to a solitary drum, and, as the War Office will
not allow of any augmentation, the adjutant, who plays a little on
the flute, takes a part on public occasions, when the staff is expected
to attend muster.

There is now a field day once in six months, when the regiment,,
which consists of seven superannuated sergeants and one private, go
through a sham fight ; and on the last occasion they carried the
pound by a cou]) de main, in spite of the beautiful manoeuvring of
the adjutant, who personated the garrison.

During the recent strike in the North the militia's instructions
were to act as a reserve, and they followed the recommendation to
the letter, for such was their modesty that they were not to be
drawn out from their de;p6t on any pretext whatever. The thanka
of the city were afterwards presented to the adjutant in a congreve
box, and he received an antograph letter from the mayor, speaking;
f^trongly of the forbearance that the militia had exhibited

H^CJc ESTABLISHMEIT''

c c

386 THE COMIC ALMANACK. [1843.

CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1842.

JANUARY.

17 ih. — Prince Albert laid the first stone of the new Royal Excliange,
Every one present greatly admired the manner of the Prince, and the stone
itself was particularly struck by him.

25th. — A holiday at the Law Courts. Nothing doing, and nobody done.

31st. — The King of Prussia visited Newgate in the morning, and Drury
Xsane Theatre at night. His Majesty saw murderers at both places, and
«vJBiired the new drop at each.

FEBRUARY.

3id. — The Queen opened Parliament in person with a speech from the
tbroL 5, 8lio\7ing her readiness at all time to put in her spoke for the common
whee*

20th.— The Corn Law Debate brought to a close. The duty of eight
•Ivliagg a quarter objected to by a county member, on the ground that it
would amount io thirty-two shillings a year.

MARCH.

11th. — Sir R. Peel made his financial statement, and declared his intention
of increasing the duty on whisky ; an announcement that had not the eSect
of raising Irish spirits.

16th. — The day fixed for the earthquake that was to have broken London
into little bits. It, however, broke nothing but its appointment.

18th. — The Queen and Prince Albert having visited Drury Lane Theatre,
the house was full, and the royal pair gave an audience to the manager.

APRIL.

4th. — The House of Commons resolved itself into a Committee of Ways
and Means, when Sir R. Peel's ways of getting means were much objected to.

18th. — Discussion in the House of Lords on the New Corn Bill, when the
Duke of Buckingha-m plainly intimated that the Premier deserved to be turned
out, for having taken others in.

22nd. — A dispute between Mr. Lumley and Signer Mario, when the latter
complained of hoarseness, and the former declared that he also was taken by
the throat.

MAY.

2ud. — Presentation of the Chartist's petition. Its weight made a deep
impression on the floor of the House, but none at all on the members.

12th. — The Queen's Ball Masque. Several old ladies endeavoured to con-
ceal their years by appearing in the costumes of the middle age.

21st. — Prince Albert sat for six hours as judge in the Stannaries Court, and
performed the judicial ofiice so well that two things were tried at once — the
cause before him and his own patience.

23rd. — Execution of the murderer Good. A good riddance.

In the course of this month the Whigs charged the Tories with the greatest
as6ui-ance in having taken up the former's poUcy.

.■l843-] CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1842. 387

JUNE.

3rd. — Continuance of the sugar duties moved by the Chancellor of the Ex-
chequer. He contended that though the tax was little in separate pounds of
moist it amounted to a great deal in the lump.

4th. — Proclamation issued on the subject of certain sovereigns discovered
io be light. The new regulation not to aifect India, where the natives princes
are all of a dark complexion.

13th. — The Queen made her first trip by railway, and the Court expected
to adopt the fashion of trains.

23rd. — A question put to Sir R. Peel on the subject of the Nelson Monu-
ment, the base of which had not been proceeded with for want of the capital.

Several attempts made to retard the public business by incessantly moving
the adjournment of the House, and bring the Premier to a stand by perpetual
motion.

JULY.

2nd. — A letter exploded at the Post-office — a proof of its being in a great
•hurry to go ofi'.

3rd. — Attempt of the varlet Bean on the life of Her Majesty. It appeared
that the little deformity was given to sentiment, and that the hump on his
back weighed heavily on his mind.

7th. — Mr. Humo moved for a Return of the actual services of all flag
officers, which was refused from a fear that many of them would turn out to be
much below the standard. He was denied similar information respecting
general officers, since so many of them had not done anything particular, and
had never been in any action except as defendants.

10th. — M. Claudet, the patentee of the Daguerreotype, undertook to do like-
nesses, on a, first attempt, in less than a second.

13th. — Mr. Hume complained tW at the British Museum no children are
admitted under eight ; and he deo**fed that juvenile capacity for instruction
was much under-eighted.

The same honourable member censured the locality and the expense of the
New Houses of Parliament, objecting to the site of the building, and the sight
of money required for completing it.

AUGUST.

1st. — "Miss A. Kemble married to a count, and will, it is to be hoped, find
her account in the step taken.

'Tis a pity Miss Kemble retires so soon.
When money she makes to so pretty a tuue.

oth. — Prince Albert shot ninety-six rabbits in the royal preserves. The
animals, anxious for the honour of seeing the Prince, fell the unhappy victime
of a too fatal curiosity.

6th. — A gentleman having received a newspaper sealed with the motto,
^'Time flies," was charged full postage on account of "information" con-
tained on the wrapper.

14th. — Gooseberries, apples, and pears selling for a mere nothing in Covent
<jarden Market, being, as the growers declared, the Iruits of the Tariff.

25th. — Trial of the vagabond Bean, who was found to be one of a very
inferior kidney.

3«S

Tin: COMIC ALMANACK.

[i«43e

SEPTEMBER.

Ist. — The Queen landed at Edinburgh, the tide having risen before the

Provost was out of bed.

2iid. — A return presented to Parliament of the condition of the inmates of
Green \Yicli Hospital, when it was found that there were thirty-six pensioners
who liad only the right leg left.

3rd. — Covent Garden Theatre was advertised to open, but Miss Adelaide
Kemble Avas too hoarse to sing ; and though her father had so much at stake
in the theatre, it was found that his daughter had no voice at all in it.

6th. — Mr. Carter bitten severely in the thumb by one of his lions. The
animal was recently purchased and not used to his master, who was trying a
few tricks merely to get his hand in.

12th. — An investigation into the Dover cropping case. The jailor, finding^
he was not to cut the hair of the prisoners, cut his own stick, and resigned
his situation.

21st. — A calculation made, that the shelves of the King's Library at Paris
extend to twenty miles — a proof of what extraordinary lengths some writers
will go to.

OCTOBER.

1st. — It was generally suggested that banking-houses should close at four,
because the system of shutting at five (after which hour there is still much
to be done) has the effect of driving their business very often to sixes and
sevens.

10th. — News arrived of Akbhar Khan being prepared to treat ; but from
such a Khan nothing can be expected but half-and-half measures.

12th. — Miss Briers and Mary Ann Morgan brought to Union Hall on a
charge of having conspired to lead Mr. Woolley into another union against
his will. Mr. Woolley, though evidently on thorns, and regularly caught by
the Briers, declared his intention not to prosecute ; he, however, commenced
a suit for divorce against Mary, in reference to whom he refused to be
MoUy-jied.

HOHKID MURDEB.

Ballantyne, Hanson & Co., London and Edinburgh

AN ALPHABETICAL CATALOGUE

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Deacon Brodie.
By RICHARD DOWLINQ.
Old Corcoran s Money.

Bv A. CONAN DOYLE.
The Firm of Girdie stone.

By S. JEANNETTE DUNCAN.
A Daughter of To day. I Vernon s Aunt.
By ANNIE EDWARDES.
A Plaster Saint. | Archie Loveil.

Bv Q. S. EDWARDS.— SnazellepaTilla

By G. MANVILLE FENN
Cursed by a Fortune

The Case of Ailsa Gray

Commodore Junk.

The New Mistress.

Witness to the Deed.

The Tiger Lily.

The White Virgin.

Black Blood.

Double Cunning.

By PERCY FITZGERALD

By ALPHONSE DAUDET.

The Evangelist ; or, Port Salvation.

A Fluttered Dovecote.
King of the Castle
Master of Ceremonies.
The Man with a ShadoiV
One Maid's Mischief.
Story of Antony Grace.
This Man's Wife.
In Jeonardy. rn*ng.
I A Woman Worth Win-
Fatal Zero

By R. E. FRANCILLON.

One by One. 1 Ropes of Sand.

A Dog and his Shadow. I Jack Doyle's Daughter.

A Real Queen. 1 ^.„

By HAROLD FREDERIC.
Seth's Brother's Wife. 1 The Lawton GirL

By GILBERT GAUL.
AStrangeManuscript Found in a Copper Cylinder.

By PAUL GAULOT.— The Red Shirts
By CHARLES GIBBON.

Robin Gray. I The Golden Shaft.

Loving a Dream. The Braes of Yarrow.

Of High Degree I

By E. GLANVILLE.
The Lost Heiress. I The Golden Rock.

Fair Colonist I Fossicker | Tales from the Veld.

By E. J. QOOD.MAN.
The Fate of Herbert Wayne.

Bv Rev. S. BARING GOULD.
Red Sy'der. 1 Eve.

By ALFRED A. GRACE.
Tales of a Dying Race.
CECIL GRIFFITH.-Corinthia Marazion.

By A. CLAVERINQ GUNTER.
A Florida Enchantment.

By OWEN HALL.
The Track of a Storm. I Je'.sam.

By COSMO HA. MILTON
Glamour of Impossible. | Throueh a Keyhole.

By THOMAS HARDY.
Under the Greenwood Tree.

By BRET HARTE

of Jacli

A Prot-g.-
Hamlin 3.
Clarence.
Barker's Luck.
Devils Ford, [celsior.
The Crusade of the • Ex-
Three Partners.
Gabriel Conroy.

A Waif of the Plains.
A Ward of the Goiden
Gate. I Springs.

A Sappho of Green
Col. Starbottle s Client.
Susy. I Sally Dows.
Pell-Ringer of Ansel's.
Tales of Trail and Town

By JULIAN HAWTHORNE.
Garth. I Dust. , Beatrix Randolph.

El'.ice Quentin. I David Pomdexter s Dls-

Sebastian Strome. 1 appearance,

fortunes Fool. 1 Spectre of Camera.

By Sir A. HELPS.— Ivan deBlron.
By I. HENDERSON.— Agatha Page
By G. A. HENTY.
Dorothy's Double. ' Tl'S Queen's Cup.

By HEADON HILL.
Zambra the Detective.

28 CHATTO & VVINUUS, Publishers, in St. Martin's Lane, London, W.C.

The Piccadilly (3/6) NovKi^s—contittued.
By JOHN HILL.-The Common Ancestor.

Bv TIGHE HOPKINS.
Twixt Love and Duty, i Nugents of Camconna.
The Incomplete Adventurer. | Nell Haffenden.
VICTOR HUGO. -The Outlaw of Iceland.
FERGUS HUME.-Lady from Nov.here.

By Mrs. HUNQERFORD.

Marvel.

A Modern Circe.
Lady Patty.
A Mental atrugjle.
Lady Vemer's Flight.
The Red-House Mystery
The Three Graces.
Professor s Experiment.

A Poino of Conscience.
A Maiden all Forlorn.
The Coming of Chloe.
Nora Creina
An Anxious Moment.
Aprils Lady.
Peter s Wife.
Lovice.

The Leaden Casket.

By Mrs. ALFRED HUNT.

aden Casket. I Self-Condemned.
That Other Person. | Mrs. Juliet.

By R. ASHE KING.-A Drawn Game.
By GEORGE LAMBERT.
The President of Boravia.

By EDMOND LEPELLETIER.
Madame Sans Gene.
ByADAM LlLBURN.ATragedy in Marble

By HARRY LINDSAY.

Rhoda Roberts. | The Jacobite.

By HENRY W. LUCY. -Gideon Flevce.
By E. LYNN LINTON.

Patricia Kemball
Under which Lord?
' My Love ! ■ | lone.
Paston Carew.
Sowing the Wind.
With a Silken Thread.
The World Well Lost.

By JUSTIN McCarthy

The Atonement of Le am

Dundas.
The One Too Many.
Dulcie Everton.
Rebel of the Family.
An Octave of Friends.

A Fair Saxon.

Linley Rochford.

Dear Lady Disdain.

Camiola.

Waterdale Neighbours.

My Enemy's Daughter.

Miss Misanthrope.

Donna Quixote.
Maid of Athens.
The Comet of a Season.
The Dictator.
Red Diamonds.
The Riddle Ring.
The Three Disgraces.
By JU5TIN H. MCCARTHY.
A London Legend. | The Royal Christopher

By GEORGE MACDONALD.
Heather and Snow. | Phantasies.

W. H. MALLOCK — The New Republic.
P. &V. MARGUERITTE. -The Disaster.
By L. T. MEADE.

A Soldier of Fortune.
In an Iron Grip.
Dr. Rumsey's Patient.
TheVoice of theCharmer
An Adventuress.

On Brink of a Chasm.
The Siren.

The Way of a Woman.
A Son of Ishmael.
The Blue Diamond.

By LEONARD MERRICK.

This Stage of Fools. | Cynthia.

By BERTRAM MITFORD.

The Gun Runner. I The Kings Assegai.

Luckof Gerard Ridgeley. ] Rensh. Fanning'sQuest.

By Mrs. MOLESWORTH.
Hathercourt Rectory.

By J. E. MUDDOCK.
Maid Marian and Robin Hood. | Golden Idol.
Basile the Jester. ' Young Lochinvar.

By D. CHRISTIE MURRAY.
A Life's Atonement.
Joseph's Coat.
Coals of Fire.
Old Blazer's Hero.
Val Strange. I Hearts.
A Model Father.
By the Gate of the Sea.
A Bit of Human Nature.
First Person Singular.
Cynic Fortune.

The Way of the World.
BobMartin's Little Girl
Time's Revenges.
A Wasted Crime.
In Direst Peril.
Mount Despair.
A Capful o' Nails.
Tales in Prose & Verse
A Race for Millions.
This Little World.

By MURRAY and HERMAN.

The Bishops' Bible. I Paul Jones s Alias.

One Traveller Returns. |

By HUME NISBET.- Bail Up I
Bv W. E. NORRIS.
Saint Ann 8. ' I Billy Belle vv.

Miss Wentworth s Idea.
By G. OHNET.
A Weird Gift. | Love s Depths.

By Mrs. OLIPHANT.-The Sorceress.
By OUIDA.
Held in Bondage. In a Winter City.

Strathmore. | Chandos. Friendship

Under Two Flags.
Idalia. [Gage.

Ce-il Castlemaine s
Tricotrin. 1 Puck.
FoUe Farine.
A Dog of Flanders.
Pascarel. | Signa.
Princess Napraxine.
Two Wooden Shoes.

Moths. 1 Rnf&no.
Pipistrello. | Ariadne.
A Village Commune.
Bimbi. I Wanda.
Frescoes. 1 Othmar.
In Maremma.
Syrlln. | Guilderoy.
Santa Barbara.
Two Offenders.

Holiday Tasks.
For Cash Orly.
The Burnt Million.
The Word and the WilL
Sunny Stories.
A Trying Patient.
A Modern Dick Whit-
tin gton.

The Waters of Edera.
By MARGARET A. PAUL.

Gentle and Simple.

By JAMES PAYN.

Lost Sir Massingberd. , The Talk of the Town.
The FamUv Scapegrace
A County Family.
Less Black than We're

Painted.
A Confidential Agent.
A Grace from a Thorn.
In Peril and Privation.
Mvstery of Mirbridge.
High Spirits. iBy Proxy.
By WILL PAYNE. -Jerry the Dreamer.
By Mrs. CAMPBELL PRAED.
Outlaw and Lawmaker. I Mrs. Tregaskiss.
Christina Chard. i Nulma. ' Madame Izan.

' As a Watch in the Night.'
By E. C. PRICE. -Valentina.
By RICHARD PRYCE.
MisB Maxwell's Affections.

By Mrs. J. H. RIDDELL.
Weird Stories. | A Rich Man's Daughter.

By AMELIE RIVES.
Barbara Dering. I Meriel.

By F. W. ROBINSON.
The Hands of Justice. | Woman in the Dark.
By ALBERT ROSS. -A Sugar Princess.
By HERBERT RUSSELL. True Blue

By CHARLES READE.
Peg Woffington ; and Griffith Gaunt.
Christie Johnstone. I Love Little, Love Lon^

Hard Cash,

Cloister <fc the Hearth.

Never Too Late to Mend

The Course of True
Love ; and Single-
heart & Doubleface.

Autobiography of a
Thief: Jack of all
Trades : A Hero and
a Martyr ; and The
Wandering Heir.

J. RUNCIMAN Skippers and SheUbacks

By W. CLARK RUSSELL.

The Double Marriage.
Foul Play.

Put Y'rself in His Place
A Terrible Temptation.
A Simpleton.
A WomanHater.
The Jilt, & otherStories :
&GoodStoriesof Man.
A Perilous Secret.
Readiana ; and Bible
Characters.

Round the Galley-Fire.
In the Middle Watch.
On the Fo'k'sle Head
A Voyage to the Cape.
Book for the Hammock.
Mysteryof 'Ocean Star'
Jenny Harlowe.
An Ocean Tragedy.
A Tale of Two Tunnels

My Shipmate Louise.
Alone onWideWide Sea.
The Phantom Death.
Is He the Man ?
Good Shin 'Mohock.'
The Convict Ship.
Heart of Oak.
The Tale of the Ten.
The last Entry.

TheDe3.th Ship.
By DORA RUSSELL. -Drift of Fate,

CHATTO & WINDUS, Publishers, ill St. Martin's Lane, London, W.C. 2y

The Piccadilly (3/6) Novej^s— continued.
BAYLE ST. JOHN. -A Levantine FamUy.

By ADELINE SERGEANT.

Dr. Endicott s Experiment.
Pnder False Pretences.

By GEORGE R. SIM5.

Dagonpt Abroad. I Rofues and Vagabonds.

Once Upon aCliristmas In London's Heart

Time. I Mary Jate Married.

Without the Limelight. I The Small-part Lady.

A Blind Marriage.

By HAWLEY SMART.

Without Love or Licence. | The Outsider.
The Master of Rathkelly. Beatrice & Benedick.
Long Odds. I A Racing Rubber.

ByJ. MOYR SMITH.

The Prince of ArgoUs.
By T. W. SPEIGHT.
A Secret of the Sea. | A Minion of the Moon.
The Grey Monk. | Secret Wyvern Towers.

The Master of Trenance ! The Doom of Siva.
The Web of Fate.
The Strange Experiences of Mr. Verschoyle.

By ALAN ST. AUBYN.
A Fellow of Trinity. j The Tremlett Diamonds.
The Junior Dean. ( The Wooing of May

Master of St. Benedict's, i A 'rrasic Honeymoon.
To his Own Master. , A Proctor s Wooing.
Gallantry Bower. \ Fortune s Uato

In Face of the World. ', Bonnie Maggie Lauder.
Orchard Damerel. i Mary Unwin.

Mrs. Dunbar's Secret.

By JOHN STAFFORD. -Doris and L

By R. 5TEPHENS.-The Cruciform Mark.

By R. NE1L50N STEPHENS.

Philip Winwood.

R. A. STERNDALE.-The Afghan Knife.

R. L. STEVENSON.— The Suicide Club.

By FRANK STOCKTON.

The Young Master of Hyson Hall.

By SUNDOWNER. Told by the TaffraU.

By ANNIE THOMAS.— The Sirens Web.

BERTHA THOMAS.— The VioUn Player

By FRANCES E. TROLLOPE

Like Ships upon Sea. I Mabel's Progress.
Anne Furness. |

By ANTHONY TROLLOPE.

The Way we Live Now. I Scarborough s Family.
Frau Frohmann. | The Land Leaguers.

Marion Fay. i

By IVAN TURQENIEFF, &c.

Stories from Foreign Novelists.

Choice Works
Library of Humour.
The Innocents Abroad.
Roughing It : and The

Innocents at Home-
A Tramp Abroad.
TheAmerican Claimant.
AdventuresTomSawyer
Tom Sawyer Abroad.
Tom Sawyer, Detective

By MARK TWAIN.

Pudd nhead Wilson.
The Gilded Age.
Prince and the Pauper.
Life on the Mississippi.
The Adventures of

Huckleberry Finn.
A Yankee at the Court

of King Arthur.
Stolen White Elephant
f l.OCO.OyO Banknote.

C. C. F.=TYTLER.— Mistress Judith.

By SARAH TYTLER.

WhatShe CameThrough , Mrs Carmichael's God-
Buried Diamonds. desses.
The Blackhall Ghosts. Rachel Langton.
The Macdonald Lass. A Honeymoon's Eclipse.
Witch- Wife. | Sapphira ' A Young Dragon.

By ALLEN UPWARD.

The Queen against Owen.

By ALBERT D. VANDAM.

A Court Tragedy.

By E. A. VIZETELLY.-The Scorpion.
By F. WARDEN — Joan, the Curate.
By CY W ARM A N.-Express Messenger,

By A. WERNER.

Ctaapenga's White Man.

By WILLIAM WESTALL.

For Honour and Life I The Old Factory.
Av/oman Tempted Him ! Red Ryvington.

RaiphNorbreck's Trust
Tru3t-/i,oney
Sons of Belial.
Roy of Koy's Cjurt.
With the Bed Eagle.
Strange Crimes iTrue
Stories).

Her Two Millions
Two Pinches of Bnuff.
Nigel Fortescue.
Birch Dene.
The Phantom City.
A Queer Race.
Ben Clough.

By ATHA WESTBURY.
The Shadow of Hilton Fembrook.
By C. J. WILLS.— An Easy-going Fellow

By JOHN STRANGE WINTER.

Cavalry Life : and Regimental Legends.
A Soldier's Children.

By E. ZOLA.

The Joy of Life. | His Masterpiece.

The Fortune of the Rougons.
Abbe Mouret's Transcression.
The Couquestof Plassans. I Germinal.
The Honour of the Army.
The Downfall. I His Excellency.

The Dream, i Money. The Dram Shop.
Dr. Pascal. ! Lourdes. >:ome. 1 Paris.
The Fat and the Thin | Fruitfulness. | Work
By ' ZZ. ' — A Nineteenth Century Miracle.

CHEAP EDITIONS OF POPULAR NOVELS.

Post 8vo, illustrated boards, -25. each.

By ARTEMUS WARD.

Artemus Ward Complete.

By Mrs. ALEXANDER.

A Life Interest.
Mona s Choice.
By Woman's Wit.
By GRANT ALLEN.

Maid, Wife, or Widow?
Blind Fate.
Valerie 3 Fate

Philistia. I Babylon.
Strange Stories.
For Maimie's Sake.
In all Shades.
The Beckoning Hand.
The Devil's Die.
The Tents of Shem.
The Great Taboo.

Dumaresq s Daughter.
Duchess of Powysland.
Blood Royal. [piece.
Ivan Greet's Master-
The Scallywag.
This Mortal Coil.
At Market Value.
Under Sealed Orders.

By E. LESTER ARNOLD.

Phra the Phoenician.

BY FRANK BARRETT

Fettered for Life. | Found Guilty.

Little Lady Linton.

Between Life & Death.

Sin of Olga Zassoulich

Folly Morrison.

Lieut. Barnabas.

Honest Davie.

A Prodigal's Progreas.

A Recoiling Vengeance.
For Love andHonour.
John Ford, &c.
Woman o f Iron Brace ta
The Hardin^ Scandal.
A Missing Witness.

By Sir W. BESANT and J. RICE.

Ready- Money Mortiboy
My Little Girl.
With Harp and Crown.
This Son of Vulcan.
The Golden Butterfly.
The Monks of Thelema.

By Celia'8 Arbour.
Chaplain of the Fleet.
The Seamy Side.
The Case of Mr. Lucraft.
In Trafalgar 8 Bay.
The Ten Years Tenant.

30 CHATTO & WINDUS, Publishers, in St. Martin's Lane, London, VV.C.

Two-Shilling Novex^s— continued.

By Sir WALTER BESANT.

All Sorts and Condi-, The BeU of St. Paul's.

tions of Men.
The Captains Room.
All in a Garden Fair.
Dorothv Forster.
Uncle Jack.
The World Went Very

Well Then.
Children of Gibeon.
Herr Pa.ulus.
For Faitli and Freedom.
T> Call Her Mine.
The Master Ciattsman.

By AMBROSE BIERCE.
In the Midst oi Life.

Bv FREDERICK BOYLE.
Camp Notes. I Chronicles of No-man's

Savage Life. I Land.

BY BRET HARTE.

The Holy Rose.
Armorel of Lyonesse.
S.Katherines by Tower
■Verbena Camellia Ste-

phanotis.
The Ivory Gate.
The Rebel Queen.
Beyond the Dreams of

Avarice.
The Revolt of Man.
In Deacon's Orders.
The City of Refuge.

Californian Stories.
Gabriel Conroy.
Luck of Roaring Camp
An Heiress of Red Dog

By ROBERT BUCHANAN

Flip. I Maru^ia.

A Phyllis of the Sienas
A Waif of the Plains.
Ward of Golden Gate.

The Martyrdom of Ma-
deline.
The New Abelard.
Tne Heir of Linne.
Woman and the Man.
Rachel Dene. | Matt.
Lady Kilpatrick.

Shadow of the Sword
A Child of Nature
God and the Man.
Love Me for Ever.
Foxglove Manor.
The Master of the Mine
Annan Water.

By BUCHANAN and MURRAY.
The Charlatan.

By HALL CAINE.
The Shadow of a Crime. I The Deemster.
A Son of Hagar. |

By Commander CAMERON.
The Cruise of the 'Black Prince.'

By HAYDEN CARRUTH.
The Adventures of Jones.

By AUSTIN CLARE.
For the Love of a Lass.

By Mrs. ARCHER CLIVE.
Paul Ferroll.
Why Paul Ferroll KiUed his Wife.

By MACLAREN COBBAN.
The Cure of Souls. 1 The Red Sultan.

By C. ALLSTON COLLINS.
The Bar Sinister.
By AlORT. *& FRANCES COLLINS.

Sweet Anne Page
Transmigration.
From Midnight to Mid

night.
A Fight with Fortune.

By WILKIE COLLINS.

Sweet and Twenty.
The Village Comedy.
You Play me False.
Blacksmith and Scholar
Frances.

Armadale. { AfterDark.

No Name.

Antonina.

Basil.

Hide and Seek.

The Dead Secret.

Queen of Hearts.

Miss or Mrs.?

The New Magdalen.

The Frozen Deep.

The Law and the Lady

The Two Destinies.

The Haunted Hotel.

A Rogue s Life.

By M. J. COLQUHOUN.
Every Inch a Soldier.

By C. EGBERT CRADDOCK.
The Prophet of the Great Smoky Mountains.

By MATT CRIM.
The Adventures of a Fair Rebel.

My Miscellanies.
The Woman i-n White.
The Moonstone.
Man and V/ife.
Poor Miss Finch.
The Fallen Leaves.
Jezebel's Daughter.
The Black Robe.
Heart and Science.
' I Say No ! '
The Evil Genius.
Little Novels.
Legacy of Cain.
Blind Love.

By H. N. CRELLIN. -Tales of the Caliph.
M. CROKER.

■Village Talss and Jungle

By B.

Pretty Miss NevlUe.
Diana Barrington.

'To Let.'

A Bird of Passage.
Proper Pride.
A Family Likeness.

A Third Person.

Tragedies.
Two Masters.
Mr. Jervis.
The Real Lady Hilda.
Married or Single 7
Interference.

By ALPHONSR DAUDET.

The Evangelist ; or, Port Salvation.

By DICK DONOVAN.

In the Grip of the Law.
From Information Re-

ceived.
Tracked to Doom.
Link by Link
Suspicion Aroused.
Dark Deeds.
Riddles Read.

The Man-Hunter
Tracked and Taken.
Caught at Last I
Wanted !
Who Poisoned Hetty

Duncan ?
Man from Manchester.
A Detective's Triumphs
The Mystery of Jamaica Terrace
The Chronicles of Michael Danevitch.

By Mrs. ANNIE EDWARDES.

A Point of Honour. | Archie Lovell.

By EDWARD EGQLESTON.

Roxy.

By G. MANVILLE FENN.
The New Mistress. I The Tiger Lilv.

Witness to the Deed. 1 The White Virgin.

By PERCY FITZGERALD.

Bella Donna. | Second Mrs. Tillotson

Never Forgotten. Seventy - five Brook

Polly. Street.

Fatal Zero. | The Lady of Brantome

By P. FITZGERALD and others.
strange Secrets.

By R. E. FRANCILLON.

King or Knave?
Romances of the Law
Ropes of Sand.
A Dog and his Shadow

Olympia
One by One.
A Real Queen.
Queen Cophetna,

By HAROLD FREDERIC.
Seth's Brother's Wife. | The Lawton Girl.
Prefaced by Sir BARTLE FRERE.
Pandurang Hari.

By GILBERT GAUL.

A Strange Manuscript.

By CHARLES GIBBON.

Robin Gray. In Honour Bourd.

Fancy Free. i Flower of the Forest.

For Lack of Gold. I The Braes of Yarrow.

What will World Say ? The Golden Shaxt.

In Love and War.
For the King.
In Pastures Green.
Queen of the Meadow.
A Heart's Problem.
The Dead Heart.

Of High Degree.
By Mead and Stream.
Loving a Dream.
A Hard Knot.
Heart s Delight.
Blood-Money.

By WILLIAM GILBERT.

James Duke.

By ERNEST GLANVILLE.

The Lost Heiress. I The Fossicker.

A Fair Colonist. I

By Rev. S. BARING GOULD,

Red Spider. I Eve.

By ANDREW HALLIDAY.
Every-day Papers.

By THOMAS HARDY.
Under the Greenwood Tree.

By JULIAN HAWTHORNE.

Garth.

Ellice Quentin.

Fortune s Fool.

Miss Cadogna.

Sebastian Stroma.

Dust.

Beatrix Randolph.

Love— or a Name.

David Poindexter's Dis-
appearance.

The Spectre of tli«
Camera.

CHATTO & WINDUS, Publishers, in St. Martin's Lane, London, W.C. 31

Two-Shilling Novkj.s— continued.

By Sir ARTHUR HELPS.

Ivan de Biron.

By G. A. HENTY.

Eujub the Juggler.

By HEADON HILL.

Zambra the Detective.

By JOHN HILL.

Treason Felony.

By Mrs. CASHEL HOEY.

The Lover's Creed.

By Mrs. GEORGE HOOPER.

The House of Raby.

By Mrs. HUNQERFORD.

A Maiden all Forlorn.

In Durance Vile.

Marvel.

A Mental Struggle.

A Modern Circe.

Anil's Ladv.

Peter's 'Wife.

Lady Verner'^ Flight

The Kpd-House Myatcry

The Three Graces.

Un.'<at'3''actory Lover.

Lady Patty.

Nora Crcina.

Professor's Experiment.
By Mrs. ALFRED HUNT.
That Other Person. I The Leaden Casket.

Self-Condemned. |

By MARK KERSHAW.

Colonial Facts and Fictions.

By R. A5HE KING.

A DravTn Game. | Passion s Slave.

• The Wearing of the Bell Barry.
Green.' |

By EDMOND LEPELLETIER

Madame Sans-Gene.

By JOHN LEYS.

The Lindsays.

By E. LYNN LINTON.

The Atonement of Leam

Dundaa.
Eebel of the Family.
Sowing the. Wind.
The One Too Many.
Dulcie Everton.

Patricia Kemball

The 'World V/ell Lost.

Under which Lord '/

Pa.stoa Carew.

' My Love I '

lone.

With a Silken Thread

By HENRY W. LUCY.

Gideon Fleyce.

By JUSTIN McCarthy.

Dear Lady Disdain. Donna Quixote.

Waterdale Neiahbours. I Maid of Athens.
My Enemy's Daughter ! The Comet of a Season.
A Fur Saron. 1 The Dictator.

Lin'ey Rochford. Red Diamonds.

M'ss Misanthrope. | The Riddie Ring.

Camiola

By HUGH MACCOLL.
Mr. Stranger's Sealed Packet.

By GEORGE MACDONALD.

Heather and Snow.

By AGNES MACDONELL.

Quaker Cousins.

By W. H. MALLOCK.

The New Republic.

By BRANDER MATTHEWS.

A Secret of the Sea.

By L. T. MEADE.

A Soldier of Fortune.

By LEONARD MERRICK.

The Man who was Good.

By JEAN MIDDLEMASS.

Touch and Go. | Mr. Dorillion.

By Mrs. MOLESWORTH.

Hathercourt Rectory.

By J. E. MUDDOCK.

BtoriesWeird and Won- 1 From the Bosom of the

derful. Deep.

The Dead Man'i Secret. I

By D. CHRISTIE MURRAY.

A Bit of Human Nature.
First Person Singular.
Bob Martin's LittleGlrL
Time s Revenges.
A Wasted Crime.
In Direst Peril.
Mount Despair.
A Capful o' Nails

A Model Father,

Joseph's Coat.

Coais of Fire.

Val Strange. | Hearts.

Old Blazer's Hero.

Tha Way of the World

Cynic Fortune.

A Life s Atonement.

By the Gate of the Sea.

By MURRAY and HERMAN.

One Traveller Returns. I The Bishops' Bible.
Paul Jones's Alias. |

By HUME NISBET.

■ Bail Up !• i Dr.BernardSt. Vincent.

By W. E. NORRIS.

Saint Ann s. | BiUy Bellew.

By GEORGES OHNET.

Dr. Rameau. I A Weird Gift.

A Last Love. |

By Mrs. OLIPHANT.

Whiteladies. I The Greatest Heiress in

The Primrose Path. | England.

By OUIDA.

Held in Bondage

Strathmore.

Chandos.

Idalia.

Under Two Flags.

Cecil Castlemaine sGage

Trifiotrin.

Puck.

Folle Farine.

A Dog of Flander».

Pascarel.

Signa.

Princess Napraxine.

In a Winter City.

Ariadne.

Friendship.

Two Lit. Wooden Shoes.
Moths.
Bimbi.
Pipistrello.
A Village Commune.
Wanda.
Othmar
Frescoes.
In Maremma.
Guilderoy.
Ruffino.
Syrlin.

Santa Barbara.

Two Offenders.

Ouida'a Wisdom,

and Pathos.

Wit.

By MARGARET AGNES PAUL.

Gentle and Simple.

By Mrs. CAMPBELL PRAED.

The Romance of a Station.
The Soul of Countess Adrian.
Ont'aw and Lawmaker. I Mrs. Tregaskiss
Ciiristina Chard. 1

By RICHARD PRYCE.

Miss Maxwell's Affections.

By JAAIES PAYN.

Bentinck's Tutor,

Murphy's Master.

A County Family.

At Her Mercy.

Cecil's Tryst.

The Clyffards of Clyffe,

The Foster Brothers.

Found Dead.

The Best of Husbands.

V7alter'E Word.

Halves.

Fallen Fortunes.

Humorous Stories,

£200 Reward.

A Marine Residence.

Mirk Abbey

By Proxy.

Under One Roof.

High Spirits.

Carlyon's Year.

From Exile.

For Cash Only.

Kit.

The Canon's Ward.

By Airs. J.
Weird Stories.
Fairy Water.
Her Mother's Darling.
The Prince of Wales's
Garden Party.

The Talk of the Town.
I Holiday Tasks.

A Perfect Treasure.

What He Cost Her.

A Confidential Agent.

Glow-worm Tales.
I The Burnt Million.
I Sumiy Stories.
[ Lost Sir Massingberd.

A Woman's Vengeance.
1 The Family Scapegrace.
I Gwendoline s Harvest.
: Like Father. Like Son.
, Married Beneath IJim.
! Not Wooed, but Won.
1 Less Black than We're

Painted.
' Some Private Views.
1 A Grape from a Thorn.

The Mystery of Mir-
I bridge.
I The Word and the Will.

A Prince of the Blood.

A Trviug Patient.
H. RIDDELL.
: The Uninhabited House.
I The Mystery in Palace
{ Gardens.

The Nun's Curie.
I Idle Tales.

32 CHATTO & VVINDUS, Publishers, in St. Martin's Lane, London, W.C.

TWO-S HILLING N O VE LS — COHtltl lied.

By CHARLES READE.

It is Never Too Late to

Mend.
Christie Johnstone.
The Double Marriage.
Put Yourself in His

Place
Love Me Little, Love

Me Long.
The Cloister and the

Hearth.
Course of True Love.
The Jilt.
Thp Autobiography of

a Thief.

A Terrible Temptation.

Foul Play.

The Wandering Heir.

Hard Cash.

Singleheartand Double-
face.

Good Stories of Man and
other Animals.

Pes Woffington.

Griffith Gau'it.

A Perilous Secret.

A Simpleton.

Readiana.

A Won.an Hater.

By F. W. ROBINSON.

Women are Strange. I The Woman in the Dark
The Hands of Justice. |

By W. CLARK RUSSELL.

Round the Galley Fire, j An Ocean Tragedy.
OntheFo'ksle Head.
In the Middle Watch.
A Voyage to the Cape.
A Book for the Ham-

mock.
The Mystery

' Ocean Star.'
The Romance of Jenny

Harlowe.

My Shipmate Louise.
Alone onWideWide Sea,
Good Ship ■ Mohock."
The Phantom Death.

I Is He the Man?
of the Heart of Oali.

I The Convict Ship.
The Tale of the Ten.
The Last Entry.

By DORA RUSSELL.

A Country Sweetheart.
By GEORGE AUGUSTUS SALA.

Gaslight and Daylight.

By GEORGE R. SIMS.

Zeph.

Memoirs of a Landlady.
Scenes from the Show.
The 10 Commandments.
Dagonet Abroad.
Rogues and Vagabonds.

The Ring o Bells
Mary Jane's Memoirs,
Mary Jane Married.
Tales of To day. ,
Dramas of Life.
Tinkle top s Crime.
My Two Wives.

By ARTHUR SKETCHLEY.
A Match in the Dark.

By HAWLEY SAIART.
Without Love or Licence. I The Plunger.
Beatrice and Benedick. Long Odds.
The Master of Rathkelly. |

By T. W. SPEIGHT.

The Mysteries of Heron { Back to Life.

Dyke. The LoudwaterTragedy.

The Golden Hoop. Burgo s Romance.

Hoodwinked. Quittance in Full.

By Devious Ways. ' A Husband irom the Sea

By R. A. STERNDALE.
The Afghan Knife.

Orchard Damerel.

In the Face of the World.

The Tremlett Diamond!.

By ALAN ST. AUBYN

A Fellow of Trinity.
The Junior Dean.
MaPter of St. Benedict's
To His Own Master.

By R. LOUIS STEVENSON.

New Arabian Nights.

By ROBERT SURTEES.

Handley Cross.

By WALTER THORNBURY.

Tales for the Marines.

By T. ADOLPHUS TROLLOPE.

Diamond Cut Diamond.

By F. ELEANOR TROLLOPE.

Like Ships upon the ] Anne Furness.
Sea. I Mabel's Progress.

By ANTHONY TROLLOPE.

Fran Frohmann. i The American Senator.

Marion Fay. Mr. Scarborough s

Kept in the Dark. j Family.

The Way We Live Now. | GoldenLion of Qranpero
The Land-Leaguers. |

By MARK TWAIN.
A Pleasure Trip on the i Stolen White Elephant.
Continent. Life on the Mississippi.

The Gilded Age. I The Prince and the

Huckleberry Finn. j Pauper.

MarkTwains Sketches. A Yankee at the Court
Tom Sawyer. of Kin? Arthur.

A Tramp Abroad. i £1,000,000 Bank-Note.

By C. C. FRASER=TYTLER.

Mistress Judith.

By SARAH TYTLER.

Bride s Pass | Lady Bell The Huguenot Family
Buried Diamonds. The Blackball Ghosts

St. Munqo's City. [ What SheCameThrough

Noblesse Oblige. ' Beauty and the Beast.

Disappeared.

By ALLEN UPWARD.
The Queen against Owen. | Prince of Balkistan.

By WILLIAM WESTALL.
Trust-Money.

By Mrs. F. H. WILLIAMSON.
A Child Widow.

By J. S. WINTER.
Cavalry Life. 1 Regimental Legend*.

By H. F. WOOD.
The Passenger from Scotland Yard.
The Englishman of the Rue Cain.

By MARGARET WYNMAN.
My Flirtations.

NEW SERIES OF TWO-SHILLINQ NOVELS.

Picture cloth boards, flat backs.

A Sappho of Green Springs. By BRET Harte,
The Luck of Gerard Ridgeley. By Bertram

^.TlTFORn.

The Waters of Edera. By Ouida.

The Lady from Nowhere. By FERGUS HUME.

In London's Heart. By G. R. Sims.

Joan, the Curate. By FLORENCE Warden.

St.Xatherfne's by the Tower. By Sir Walter

BliSAN'T.

The Red Shirts. Bv PAUL Gaulot.
Citoyenne Jacquel:ne. By Sarah Tytler.
The Track of a Storm. By Owen Hall.

His Own Ghost. By D. Christie Murray,
In a Hollow of the Hills. By Bret Har i e.
Plotters of Paris. B> Edmund Mitchell.
The Temple of Death. By Edmund Mitchell.
Towards the Eternal Snows. By Edmund

Mitchell.
Sport and Spangles. By Byron Webber.
A Crimson Crime. By George Manville

FE^iN.

Dora Myrl, the Lady Detective. By McD.

Bodkin, K.C
Vincent Trill, Detective. By Dick Donovan.
Eark Deeds. Bv Dick Donovan.

Unwin Brothfrs, Printers, 27, Pilgrim Street, London, E.C,

BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY

3 QQQQ nfi561 368 7

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Full text of "The Comic almanack; an ephemeris in jest and earnest, containing merry tales, humorous poetry, quips, and oddities"

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