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Full text of "The complete works of Josh Billings, (Henry W. Shaw)"

OSH BILLINGS 



(henr:y w. sh^^ 




THE COMPLETE WORKS 



OF 



JOSH BILLINGS, 



(HENRY W. SHAW) 



WITH ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS 

BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHERS, 
AND 

A BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION. 

REVISED EDITION 











r 






""" 






M. 


A. 


DONOHUE & 


CCMPAIVY i 


CHICAGO 


NEW 


YORK 










i 



Prlntf d in the United States of Am;.Tica 



COPYRIGHT 1919 BY 
M. A. DONOHUE & CO. 



]oih Billings. 



TABLE OV KOXTEXTS. 



Page. 

1 Kontentment 33 

2 Marriage 36 

3 Fashion's Prayer .... 38 

4 The Bizzy Body .... 40 

5 Fastidiousnees 42 

6 Love 43 

7 Fear 44 

8 Baty 45 

9 Faith 46 

10 Branes 47 

11 Spring and Biles . . . . 4S 

12 Tight Boots 50 

13 The Lam and the Duv . . 52 

14 The Duv 55 

15 The Old Bachelor .... 57 

16 Horns 50 

17 Kissing 62 

18 About Pharming .... 65 

19 Questions and Answers . . 68 

20 Whissling ....... 69 

21 Hotels 72 

22 Laffing ........ 75 

23 Hoss Sense 78 

24 Silence 79 

25 Bravery 80 

26 Dispatch ....... 81 

27 Pik out a Wife 82 



Pa^. 

28 Watermellons 88 

29 Pik out a Dog ..... 84 

30 Pik out a Kat ..... 86 

31 Lost Arts 86 

32 To Komic Lekturers ... 89 

33 Fashion 92 

34 Fun 93 

35 Fret 94 

36 Fury 94 

37 Fits 95 

38 Fuss 95 

39 Fellow 96 

40 Flunkey 90 

41 Finis 96 

42 Xu Foundiand and Tarrier . 97 

43 The Rat Tarrier 99 

44 The Monkey 100 

45 The Pissmire 103 

46 The Pole Kat . - . . . .104 

47 The Weazel 105 

48 Angle Worms 107 

49 The Mouse 108 

50 The Taller Dog ]10 

51 Roosters 113 

52 The Fox 115 

53 Aunt and Grasshopper . .118 

54 A Hen 120 

55 The Gote 124 

7 



V'lll 



TABLE OV KONTENTS. 



Goose Talk ....... 126 

The aam 138 

Snails 128 

Striped Snake 129 

Babvs 130 

The'crab 132 

Essa on Swine 132 

Cat and Kangaroo .... 133 

The Codfish 136 

The Mackrel 137 

The Polljwogg- ., ... 137 

The Bullhead 138 

Mud Turkles 139 

The Fly 140 

The Crow 143 

The Bumble Bee .... 144 

The Robbing 145 

The Swallo 146 

The Bat 146 

The Hawk 147 

The Meddo Mole .... 148 

The Possum 149 

The Cursid Musketo ... 151 

The Hornet 154 

The Rabbit 157 

The Poodle 158 

The Partridge 159 

The Snipe 160 

The C(Kkroach 160 

The Mule 163 

Bed Bugs 164 

The Flea 165 

Not enny Shanghi . . . .160 

The Aunt 169 

The Adder 172 

The Striped Snaik . . . .172 

The Blue Racer 174 

The Biak Snaik 174 

The Milk Snaik 175 

Raccoon and Petty fogger . 176 

The Duk 179 

The Turkey 180 

The Hosstritch 181 

The Parrot 182 



100 The Bobalink 188 

101 The Eagle 183 

102 Natral History 188 

103 Kats 186 

104 The Hum Bugg ... ^ . 187 

105 The Bugg Bear 18S 

106 The Game Chicken . . • 190 

107 The Duk 190 

108 Sandy Hill Crane .... 193 

109 The Rattlesnaix 193 

110 The Hoop Snaix .... 194 

111 The Anakondy 195 

112 The Garter Snaix . . . . 195 

113 The Eel Snaix ..... 196 

114 See Sarpent Snaix . . . .196 

115 Kopper-hed Snaix .... 19? 

116 The Blujay 19£ 

117 The Quail 199 

118 The Partridge 199 

119 The Woodkok 200 

130 The Guina Hen 200 

121 The Goslin .... . . 201 

122 The Grub .... c .. 203 
133 The Lady Bug ..... 204 

124 The Tree Tud 204 

125 Tlie Porkupine 204 

126 Devils Darning Needle . . 205 
137 Ramrods 206 

128 LobstirSallad 209 

129 Mollassis Kandy 211 

130 Puddin & Milk 215 

131 Plum Pits 217 

132 Chips ........ 221 

133 Koarse Shot 223 

134 Slips of the Pen 226 

135 Glass Dimonds 228 

136 Jews Harps 231 

137 Tadpoles 233 

138 Pepper Pods 237 

139 Hooks & Eyes ..... 240 

140 Jaw Bones 244 

141 Ods and Ens 245 

142 Fust Impresuns S49 

143 Plum Pita 85S 



TABLE OV KONTENTS. 



IX 



144 Gnats . 


. 255 


188 


145 Kindling Wood , . . . 


. 256 


189 


146 Phish Bawls 


. 260 


190 


147 Stray ChUdren . . . 


. 264 


191 


148 Ink Brats 


. 269 


192 




. 272 


19S 


150 Parboils 


. 275 


194 


151 Nest Eggs ...... 


. 277 


195 


152 Chicken Feed . . . 


. 280 


196 


153 Hard Tack 


- 283 


1^)7 


154 Solium Tiioughts . . . 


. 286 


198 


155 Ink Lings 


. 288 


199 


156 Embers on the Hearth . 


. 292 


200 


157 Hot Korn 


. 294 


201 


158 Foundlings 


. 298 


202 


159 Dried Fruit 


. 300 


203 


160 Remnants 


. 301 


204 


161 riemarks 


. 303 


'-^r-o 


162 Saws 


. 306 


•'>ii6 


163 Remarks 


. 309 


207 


164 Nosegays 


. 311 


208 


165 Shooting Stars . . . 


. 310 


209 


166 The Interviewer . . . 


. 320 


210 


167 The Musk P^t . . . 


. 322 


211 


168 The Mink 


. C23 


212 


169 Distrikt Schoolmaster . 


. 324 


213 


170 The Pompous Man . . 


. 326 


214 


171 The One Idea Man . . 


. 327 


215 


172 The ITappy Man . . 


. 327 


216 


173 The Henpecked Man . 


. 328 


217 


174 The Officious Man . . 


. 328 


213 


175 The Phnnny Man . . 


. 329 


219 


176 The Cheeky Man . . 


. 329 


220 


177 The Live Man . . . 


. 330 


221 


178 The Faultfinder . . . 


. 331 


222 


179 The Border Indjun . . 


. 332 


223 


180 The Cunning Man . . 


. 336 


224 


181 The Loafer .... 


. 341 


225 


182 The Pnjjector . . . 


. . 342 


220 


183 The Kondem Phool . 


. . 343 


227 


184 The Obtuse Man . . 


. 345 1 228 


185 The Posi tiff Man . . 


. . 346 229 


166 The Cross Man . . . 


. . 347 1 230 


187 The Pashuat Man . . 


. . 347 


231 



The Funny Man 
The Honest Man 
The Sqtiare Man 
The Oblong Man 
The Perpiudiklar Man 
The Limber Man . 
The Jolly Man . . 
The Pewter Man . 
The Fiteing 2>Ian . 
The Precise Man . 
Coquette and Prude 
The Effeminate Man 
The Jealous Man . 
The Anonymous Man 
The Stiff Man 
The Model Man 
The Neat Person 
John Bascomb . 
Elizibeth Meachem 
Gf>od Rezolushuns 
My Fust Gong . 

Korn 

Advertizement . 
Tew Lectur KommiUja 
Letter to Farmers . 
A Tempranse Klub 
Tlie Proverbial Pig 
Sowing Sosiety Address 
The Fust Baby . . 
Billings under Oaih 
At Niagra Falls . . 
Negro and Trout 
Dandy and Thimble Rigger 
Long Branch . . . 
Billiards .... 
Habits of Grate Men 
Insures his Life . . 
Tew pick out a Hoss 
Agrikultural Hoss 

Oats 

Pashunce of Job 
The Game of Yewker 

Beer 

Laughir»g .... 



Trot 



TABLE OV K0NTENT3. 



S32 The Advent No. 2 . . . . 419 

233 Questions and Answers . . 422 

234 Saratoga and Lake George . 424 

235 Snm Vegetable History . . 428 

236 New AsM ord 428 

237 Bends 432 

238 Koliding 434 

239 At Short Range 438 

240 Beau Bennett 440 

241 To Male Young Men ... 442 

242 Female Remarks .... 445 

243 Private Opinvuns .... 447 

244 On Courting 451 

245 Nuzepaper Tatlings . . . 452 

246 Mounts a Velocipede . . . 456 

247 The Rase Koarse .... 458 
tiS BilHn^ Lexicon . . . 462 



I 249 Owly 4W 

1 250 Pordunk Village . . . : 468 

' 251 4 Letters 473 

i 252 Settles with Con-espondents 475 

I 253 A Loose Epistle 477 

I 254 Short Replys 480 

I 255 Wimmins Rights .... 483 

I 256 Dog Talk 487 

j 258 Short but Sweet .... 490 
! 259 Josh Replies 494 

260 Hair Oil Man 497 

261 The Gassy Man 500 

262 The Sharp Man 501 

j 263 The Lazy Man 502 

j 264 The Nervous Man .... 503 
J265 The Dignif ed Man. . . .500 
i 266 The Weak If an 604 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 



Page. 



1 Steel Portkait . . 


. 1 


3 Darwin & Whiskey . 


. 11 


3 Essays 


. 33 


4 Perfectly Satisfied 


. 34 


5 Fashuxs Prayer . . 


. 40 


6 Fastidiousness . . 


. 43 


7 Biles 


. 50 


8 The Lam & Dttv . . 


. 54 


9 In A HORN 


. 60 


10 Connubial Bliss . . 


. 64 


11 Horace Greeley . . 


. 65 


12 Whissling .... 


. 70 


13 An Oration .... 


. 78 


14 Esops Jackass . . . 


. 83 


15 CoMiK Lekture . . 


. 90 


16 Fuss t Feathers . . 


. 93 


17 Animated Natur . . 


. 97 


18 A NEWFOUNDLAND DOG 


. 98 


19 The Pole Kat . . . 


.104 


20 A Taller Dog . . . 


. Ill 


21 A Sly Fox .... 


. 117 


22 A PHOOL of a hen . 


. 123 


23 Goose TALK .... 


. 127 


24 Spice-box 


. 129 


25 Cat and Kangaroo . 


. 134 


26 Annimated Natur . . 


. 136 




:i 



27 
28 
29 
30 
31 
32 
33 
34 
35 
36 
37 
38 
39 
40 
41 
42 
43 
44 
45 
46 
47 
48 
49 
50 
51 
52 



The Fly . . 
A nightjjare 
The Musketo 
The Rabbit . 
The Mule. . 
The Shanghi 
Snaix . . . 



PuBLiK Institutions 
Feathered ones 

Kats 

The Game Chicke 
More Snaix 
The Blujay 
Vermin 
Affurisms 
Ramrods . 
MoLASis Kandy 
Christmas Pie 
KoARSE Shot 
Glass Dimonds 
Tadpoles . . 
Hooks k Eyes 
A Musical Duett 
Odds & Ends 
First Impressions 
Voting 



Page 
. 140 
. 145 
. 152 
. 157 
. 163 
. 167 
. 178 
. 174 
. 179 
. 186 
. 190 
. 194 
. 198 
. 203 
.206 
.207 
. 212 
. 218 
. 223 
.229 
. 234 
. 241 
. 244 
. 246 
. 249 
.253 



SLU 



LIST OF ILLU8TEATIONS. 



Page. I 

53 The Wobld on fire . . 257 I 

54 Stray Children .... 264 | 

55 Lightning bugs .... 272 ! 

56 Nest Eggs. 278 I 

58 Hard tack ...... 284 

59 Ink-lings 289 

60 Hot Korn 295 

ftl Remnants 302 

62 Saws 306 

63 Nosegays 312 

64 Shooting stabs . . . .317 
^4 The Interviewer . . .321 

67 The Yankee 327 

68 Spinsters 332 

69 Injuns 335 

70 Frequent Kritters. . . 341 

71 Peculiar ones 349 

72 Coquet & prude. . . . 354 

73 The neat Person. . . . 360 

74 John Bascomb 302 

76 Good PwEZOLCSHLTSfS . . . 367 

77 KoRNS 371 

78 Lektur Committees. . . 374 

79 Temperance Klub . • . 878 
60 PoRDUNK Sowing Societt. 382 

81 A. BOOKEEPER 384 

82 Takes a dponk 892 

33 At Long Branch .... 897 



84 Gbatb men .... 


. .^1 


S6 The Hoss .... 


. . 405 


87 Anoss-LAFP . . . 


. . 410 


88 Mi Wabher\yomak 


. . 414 


89 Beer ...... 


. . 417 


90 Science 


. 420 


91 Long Branch . . 


. . 425 


92 Tadpoles 


. . 431 


93 Tew late .... 


. . 435 


95 Seating akcident . 


. . 437 


96 At Praters . . 


. . 441 


97 Tew mutch whiskey . . 443 


98 Private opinions . 


. . 448 


99 Latest news . . 


. . 453 


100 The FtACEs . . . 


. . 459 


101 Spinning Yarns . . 


. . 466 


102 PoRDUNK Churchyard. . 469 


103 To Correspondents 


. . 472 


104 Letter boxes . . 


. . .473 


105 Hiz Washerwoman 


. . 478 


106 WiMMINS Rongs . 


. . 483 


107 Meeting a Bear . 


. . 488 


108 Among Beasts. . 


. . 490 


109 Hotel Porter . 


. .494 


113 A Domestik Scene 


. . . 498 


124 Democbattc Oratoi 


i . . 500 


129 SuiciDff .... 


. . 504 



BIOGBAPHICAL nTEODUCTlOJV, 



ADAPTED FROM THE LONDON EDITION. 



:o:- 



In the United States of America a " show ^ is the 

generic name comprising every description of enter- 
tainment, being equally applied to an equestrian per- 
formance, a dramatic company, an operatic concert, a 
jx>litical oration, or a lecture on the geology of the 
oil district of Pennsylvania. A few years ago, when 
[ did not know America quite so well as I do now, I 
wa* asked by Mr. Barnum to meet him on a matter 
of business at his celebrated Museum on Broadway. 
Ever}' one who has visited New York and called in at 
that strangely- jumbled exhibition, will remember a 
small room on the first landing, with " Mr. Barnum 
— Private " painted on the door. I don't know 
whether any show-case in the Museum was as attrac- 
tive to the crowds of country visitors as that little 
room proved to ba Though privacy was written on 
the post, publicity was ever peeping in at the dooj 
Shrewd, astute, and ruse as Barnum is, none knew 
better than he that the greatest object of interest in 
the Museum was himself. Hence he arranged to have 
his private room immediately in front of the public 



»V BIO3EAPHI0AL INTKODUOnOJI. 

staircase, with tlie door always a little open, to pique 
curiosity, unless really important business required 
absolute seclusion. In this room, or rather in this 
glass-case, for its three sides were of glass, like the 
cases containing the wax-figures and the stxiffed ani- 
mals, Barnum and I met He conversed about differ 
ent speculations he had on hand, and various ideas 
which he wished to cany out Some of them were 
very characteristic of the man and his spirit of enter- 
prise. One, was to organize an expedition to the 
mouth of Davis's Straits at the proper season, select 
a very large iceberg, bring it down in the tow of two 
or three steamers to New York Bay, put a floating 
fence around it, exhibit the iceberg at twenty-five 
cents admission, and realize a large profit by making 
and vending sherry cobblers with ice from the real 
iceberg ! Another idea suggested by the man of 
many shows was to get the American Minister at the 
Coui't of Constantinople to apply to the Sultan for a 
firman to permit Barnum or his agent to visit the 
mosque at Hebron, traditionally asserted to be built 
over the Cave of Machpelah, in which the remains of 
the patriarchs were buried. " If we could only get 
the remains of Abraham and bring them to New 
York ! " exclaimed the deus ex inachind of the 
Museum, rubbing his hands with delight at the in* 
genuity of the thought Then, after a moment's r^ 
flection, and knowing me to be well acquainted with 
England, he remaiked, inquiringly, "What do you 
think of Spurgeon for a show? Could he be got 
ovei here ? " To me unused as I then was to Ameri 



BIOGRAPniCAL INTBODUCTION. X> 

can manners, the association of a clergyman with 

Bartlemy Fair and Barniim's Museum seemed ludi 
crously incongruous. Subsequently my expeiience 
taught me to believe that some of the preachers of 
the United States look at their position from the 
same point of view as did Mr. Bamum in wishing to 
speculate in Spurgeon. 

A *^ sho^vman/' as well as an author, Josli Billings 
is now regarded in the cities of the Union. In 
England we would style him a facetious lectm'er, 
but the lecturing business in America is carried out 
with all the arts, formulae and appui'tenances of 
sho^vmanship. There are the large posters, the puff 
advertisements, the agent in advance, and the litho- 
graphs plain or colored, all brought into requisition. 
It is quite time that if Charles Dickens visited Man- 
Chester or Birmin2:ham to read " Doctor Mariorold " 
or " The Christmas Carol," he also had his agent and 
his yellow window-bills with the black and red print- 
ing; but the window-bill is limited to a size and ig 
printed in a style fitting to the superior class of en- 
tertainment ; while, in America, the posters of the 
popular lecturer are as sho^vy and as exciting as^ 
those of Van Amburgh with his wild beasts, or the 
Han Ion Brothers with their feat^ on the trapeze. 
Quaintness, however, is an essential requisite in the 
placard of the facetious lecturer. Artemus Ward 
used to announce in large letters on the walls that he 
would " Speak a Piece " at a certain place and on a 
certain dat^. Josh Billinrjs announces in a still 
more mystic manner, strorgly reminding the observei 



Xn MCXJRAPHIOAL INTBODUOTIOH. 

of Ruskin's bizarre, grotesque, enigmatical titles. 1 
have before me, as I write, a printed notice whick 
reads thus : — 

"ALLYN HALL, HAETFORD. 

JOSH BILLINGS, 

On the 7th, 

With his 

HOBBY HORSE;^ 

The reader who is anxious to know what Josh £il' 
lings means by an advertisement so eccentric in its 
character can have his curiosity satisfied by turning 
to page 404 of this work. The chapter is headed 
" How to pick out a good Horse," and the caption ia 
assuredly none the more inappropriate or infelicitous 
than are the titular conundrums of the " Seven Lamps 
of Architecture,'' " Unto this Last," or " A Grown of 
Wild Olives." John Ruskin and Josh Billings 
understand with equal clearness the value of a title 
which shall arrest attention by not being too easy of 
comprehension. 

I first heard of Josh Billings several years ago 
when crossing the Isthmus of Panama by that re- 
markable railway ^vhich connects the Atlantic and 
Pacific oceans. When Nunez de Bilboa in the olden 
time had his first peep of the Pacific, and beheld the 
ocean which no European had before seen, trom aD 
eminen«re which is now a station of the railway, he 
iittie thought that in a few centuries hence tht steam 



BIOGRAPHICAL rNTEODUOTION. XVli 

engine would haul thousands upon thousands of 
Christians up to the same summit, and allow them to 
enjoy the same sight at so many American dollars 
e^cL Ten-ibly prosaic is this earth becoming ! And, 
despite Schiller and Coleridge, it is scarcely Jupiter 
who ** brings whatever is good,'- or Venus " who brings 
everything that's fair." A locomotive or a steamboat 
will bring or take you to both ; and a railway it was 
which brought me to know of Jnsli Billings, The 
incident was simply this : 

Midway on tlie Panama railway there is a station 
at which travellers ali^^ht while the enofineer looks 
after his supply of wood and water. A beautifully 
picturesque station it is, looking from it along the 
road which you have come, or adown that portion of 
the railway track which you have to go — a luxuriance 
of tropical vegetation meets the eye, overpowering 
the mind with the wild profusion of its beauty. 
Nature seems to revel in a wealth of verdure. Palms, 
bananas, and trees innumerable of every graceful form 
tower upwards to the unclouded sky, or arch over the 
flower-garnished earth. The trunk of each is invisi- 
ble ; for creeping plants of the most delicate growth 
entwine around the wood, hang in loops fi'om the 
boughs, connect tree to tree with a lace-work of ex- 
quisite elegance and sun-dyed brilliancy, and sway in 
wreaths of natural arabesque to and fi'o in the fra- 
grant, moist, and enervating air. The station lies 
back from the road, and, if I remember lightly, is 
thatched with palm leaves. As I alighted at it, 
groups of native New-Grenadians clusterci around 



mOGEAPHICAL TNTBODV^JTIOS, 



^e^ 



Thus it was that I first heard of tTosh JBlllings, I 
the course of my voyage from Aspinwall to N 
York, while seated on the deck of the steamer, listen 
ing to the drolleries of a group of very convivial pas- 
sengers, and gliding along the coast of Cuba in the 
brightness, sheen, and splendor of a tropical night, I 
heard many of his best things recited, and his name 
frequently quoted as that of one who had already 
taken his place in American literature. Oliver Wen 
dell Holmes I had kno^^Ti for years, Artemus AVard 
was a household name in California, James Kussell 
Lowell had become a familiar acquaintance through 
the " Biglow Papers ; " but who was Josh Billings f 
I asked my cojnpagrions de voyage^ but all they knew 
of him was that he was a very clever fellow who had 
written some very clever things. Whether he lived 
in New York State, Pennsylvania, Vermont, or Mis- 
souri, no one could tell me, nor could I get any satis- 
tPactory information as to the journal in which his 
aiticles had first appeared, what his antecedents were, 
Dr whether the name attached to his wiitings was 
that of his parentage and christening, or merely a 
whimsical nomnie de plume. 

Long after my arrival in New York the mysteiy 
remained unsolved. I applied to literary friends for 
its solution, but all they seemed to know was that 
various smart things had i-un the round of the papers 
with the signature of " Josh Billings " to them, 
but in what paper they had originated or by whom 
they were uTitten none could give me information, 
My friend George Arnold, a well-known wit of 



MOORAPmOAL INTBODUOllON. XXI 

the New Yorh Leader^ knew of my anxiety. Meet- 
ing me one day at Crook and DufPs Eestaurant, 
the mid-day rallying point of most of the genial 
spirits of New York, he drew me aside and gravelj 
asked — 

" Have you found out yet who Josh Billings is ? " 

" I have not " I answered. " Do you know ? " 

"Yes; but keep it dark. Only five of his fiicnda 
have been let into the secret. It would not do to let 
the world know. His position would be damaged." 

" Who is it ? " I demanded eagerly. " Is it Hosea 
Bisrlow under a new name ? " 

" No ; somebody better known." 

" Horace Greeley ? " I suggested, interrogatively. 

" No. A still greater man. Can't you guess ? " 

"Eeally, I cannot. Don't keep me in suspense 
Tell me.' 

" The author is " and my friend paused — " the 

author of Josh Billings is none other than— President 
Lincoln ! " 

My informant made the communication so gravely, 
that for the moment I believed it ; especially as some 
few days previous, being down in Washington, I had 
occasion to know that Barney Williams, the actor, 
was summoned to the White House on a Sunday 
afternoon, that he spent some hours with the Presi 
dent, and that on his return in the evening to Wil- 
lard's Hotel he assured me that the President had 
beaten him in telling funny stories, and had said the 
drollest things he had heard for many a day. That 
my infoi'^aiation was nothing more than a hoax the 



Jan mooRAPHicAL nrrEODuanoH. 

reader "will readily suppose; but I felt bound to 
" pass it on" to my acquaintances, ^vith a like injunc- 
tion to secresy, until at length I had the amusement 
of hearing that it had reached the ears of Mr. Lincoln, 
who laughed heartily at the joke, and pleasantly ob- 
served that his shoulders were hardly broad enough 
to bear the burdens of the State, without having to 
carry the sins of all its wits and jesters. 

Time passed on and business called me to take a 
trip one day up the Hudson River to the pleasant 
little town of Poughkeepsie. What a quiet, charm- 
ing little town it is, those who have visited it can well 
remember. I selected the steamer Armenian for my 
trip up the river. The Ehine of America never was 
seen to more advantage than it was on that bright 
summer's day, and Poughkeepsie never looked fairer 
than as I saw it from the middle of the stream, I 
landed at a town on the left bank, crossed the river, 
went do^vn to Poughkeepsie by rail, and arrived there 
late in the evening, I knew of only two staple pro- 
ducts of the place, and they were — whiskey and 
spiritualism. The whiskey I tasted, and the spiiitu- 
alism I went in search of in the 2)erson of Andrew 
Jackson Davis, the Swedenborg of the United States, 
whose books on the unseen world have been intro- 
duced to the British public by Mr. Howitt. A kindly 
Poughkeejisian volunteered to conduct me to where 
the great mysticist had lived ; but x found, to my 
disappointment, that he was then absent from the 
town. To console me for my ill-luck, m not being 
able to see so great a celebrity, my guide soothingly 



BIOQEAPHICAL INTEODUCTIOH. XXiil 

observed tliat there was anotlier great writer resident 

in and belongicg to Poughkeepsie. 

'' WIio is he ? '^ I asked. 

*' Why, tTosh Jjillings ! " was the reply. 

Eureka ! I had found him. I had unearthed my 
game at last and discovered my eremite in his mystic 
seclusion. I lost no time in inquiring who Josh Bit- 
Un(is was and where he lived. 

^' His name is Shaw — Henry W. Shaw. He's an 
auctioneer, and I'll show you the way to his house," 
volunteered my friendly guide. 

We went to the house : but like Mr. Davis, Mr. 
Shaw was not at home. All that I could then learn 
a})0ut him was that he belonged to Poughkeepsie, 
tliat he had been tJte Auctioneer of tlie town for many 
vears, that he was by no means a vouns: man, that his 
address for the general public was '' B02 467 " at the 
Post-office, that he was a very business-like person, 
and that he wrote articles for the newspapers, as well 
as sold property by auction and acted as agent for 
the transfer of real estate. The reader will therefore 
fully comprehend how much Mr. Shaw felt himself 
to be in his element while T\Titing the chapter headed 
" Advertizement," in which he offers 

"To sell for eigliteen hundred and thirty -nine dol- 
lars a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated 
on the virgin banks of the Hudson river, kontaining 
85 a^ji'es. Walls ov 2^,rimitiff rock, laid in Roman 
cement, bound the estate, while upward and down 
ward, the eye catches far away, the magesta an i slow 
grander ov the Hudson. As the young moon hangs 



XXlf BIOGKAPHIOAL INTEODUCTION. 

like a cutting of silver from the blue biest cf the 
ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with 
golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. The angel goes 
with the place)." 

Better fortune led me at last to meet Mr. Shaw in 
New York City. We were introduced to one another 
at Ai*temus Ward's Mormon entertainment on Broad- 
way. I found a man rather above the middle height, 
sparse in build, sharp in features, his long hair slightly 
turning gray, and his age between forty and fifty, re- 
served in manner, a rustic, unpolished demeanor, and 
looking more like a country farmer than a genial man 
of letters or a professed wit and a public lecturer on 
playful subjects. I can vouch for his geniality, for, 
on the evening of our first meeeting, we adjoui*ned 
from Dodworth Hall to the St. Denis Hotel opposite, 
and, in the company of a few friends, spent a mirth- 
ful hour or two. The night was bitter cold ; but 
warm sherry, excellent Bourbon, and jovial spii'its 
made the bleak 'vvind which whistled up Broadway 
from the Bay, as melodious as the music of lutes. 

Mr. Shaw informed me that he was born in the 
State of Massachusetts, town of Lanesboro, county 
of Berkshii'e, and came from Puiitan stock. He said 
that his father and grandfather both had been mem- 
bers of Congress, and each one had left so pure a po 
litical record, that he himself had never darod to 
enter the arena of politics. His first literary efEorta 
in the comic line were published in the country papera 
of New York State ; many of them first attracted at 
tention in the columns of the PougJikeejpsie Daily 



BIOGEAPHIOAL DfTEODUCTIOW. 



Press. In America a populai author has much more 
scope for gaining publicity and popularity than he 
has in England. The newspapers of the Union 
are always ready to receive pithy paragraphs from 
clevei' men, and to attach the authors' name to thercu 
The great secret of the popularity of Artenius Ward 
and of fJosh Billings is simply that which the late 
Albert Smith of England so well understood years 
ago, never to publish any article, however trivial or 
lengthy, without the signature or the initials of the 
writer to it. A smart, terse, pungent paragraph in- 
serted with the author's real or assumed name at- 
tached, in one of the journals of the United States, 
soon finds its way from the Atlantic to the Pacific, 
and from the Gulf of St. Lawrence to the Gulf of 
Mexico. With comparatively little trouble, except 
to worry his brains for comic ideas — no slight trouble, 
nevertheless — the "wit of the Western world soon gains 
notoriety, if not fame. His racy article of a few lines 
is copied into paper after paper, until his name be- 
comes familiar in all the cities of the Union. This 
accomplished, a new field of enterprise opens up. 
Some speculative man in New York or Boston thinks 
what a good and profitable enterprise it would be to 
engage the funny man whose ])nnted jokes cu'culate 
every\vhere, engage to give him so much per month 
for a year or two, have some large woodcuts engraved, 
some showy posters struck off, some smart advertise- 
ments wiitten, halls taken throughout the country, 
and the man of many jokes made to retail them all 
over the land at an admission fee varying from one 



IXn BIOGRAJBICAL INTEODCCTIOW. 

dollai down to twenty-five cents. Only a few yeara 
ago tLe business of joking in public — the joker him 
self appearing before the audience — was pretty well 
confined to the clown of the circus and the " middle- 
man " and " end-man " of the negro minstrel troupe 
Things change rapidly across the Atlantic, and at the 
present day the clo^^^l in motley and the minstrel in 
bumt-cork have theii* vocation superseded by the face- 
tious lecturer, dressed in evening costume, travelling 
with gaudy show-bills, and having a literaiy as well 
as an oratorical reputation. Not a single writer on 
^' Punch " or "• Fun," if he had been trained in America 
and had written there, but woidd have thrown the 
desk aside for the rostrum long ago. Simply to 
write is not excitement enough for your ardent Ameri- 
can, if he can enjoy the applause of an audience, and 
make dollars at the same time, merely by being tho 
mouthpiece of his own jokes. 

Bowing to the fate of nearly all comic men in nis 
native country, Mr. Shaw was ferreted out in his 
Poughkeepsie home, and urgently solicited to accept 
an engagement as a public lectui*er. He tried the 
experiment in the Athenaeums and Lyceums of his 
own State, and succeeding, followed up his new call- 
ing until now he is recognized as an established, legi- 
timate, and lucrative " show," having his proper value 
in the market, and is assigned status on the rostrum. 
He travels over the United States wdth his Lectures, 
entitled, " Hohhy Horse " — " Specimen Brix " — 
" Sandwiches " — " What I hno about Hotels " — etc., 
and is making money more rapidly than ever he did 



BIOGEAPHICAL ENTKODITOTIOW. XIVll 



with tte hammer of an auctioneer. Many good 
stories are told of him. One is that being in Wash- 
in o-ton, and asked by a politician there relative to his 
opinion of Thaddeus Stevens, of Pennsylvania, who 
opposed President Johnson so hotly in the Govern- 
ment, and who figured as a thoroughly ultra-radical, 
Mr. Shaw replied, " Give me leave to recite a little 
dream I had last night I fancied that I was in the 
lower regions, and while engaged in conversation 
with the proprietor, an imp announced that Thad 
Stevens was at the door desiring admission. Old 
Nick promptly and emphatically refused him en 
trance on the ground that he would be continually 
distm-bing the peace and order of the place. The 
imp soon returned, saying that Thaddeus insisted on 
coming in, declaring that he had no other place to go 
to. After much deliberation. Old Nick's face sud 
denly brightened with a new idea, and he exclaimed, 
' I've got it Tell the Janitor to give him six bushels 
of brimstone and a box of matches, and let him go and 
ritart a little place of his own.' " 

Having described who Josh Billings is, it may be 
fitting to add a few words relative to his writings and 
their position in the comic literature of America. 
Fun is indigenous to the soil, it wells up from the 
Western prairie, sparkles in the foam of Niagara, 
springs up in the cotton-fields of the South, and oozes 
out from the paving-stones of the cities of the North, 
The people of the United States are fun-loving and 
fun-makers. Of the peculiar character of the fun 
a word oj- two may be ^vi'itten presently. There im 



XXviii KOGEAPHICA^ INTBODTJCrnOH. 

always some popular man wearing the cap and belU, 
and reflecting the humor of his land. At one period 
the author, whom all the papers quote, is Sam Slick, 
Doe^ticks, then John Phcenix, then Major Downing, 
then Artemus Ward, then Orpheus C. Kerr, and then 
Josh Billings. As fast as one resigns the position, 
another takes his place — " TJno aviilso iion defloit 
altet^r During the war, joking went on at a faster 
pace than ever, and even those who did not esteem 
President Lincoln for his patriotism valued him im- 
mensely for his jokes. The jingle of the bells in the 
hand of Momus and the clank of the sabre attached 
to the waist of the modem sons of Mars, were ever 
mingled throughout tht? long and fiercely-contested 
conflict. 

Take a little of Martin Farquhar Tupper, and a 
little of Artemus Ward, knead tlieni together, and 
you may make something which approaches to a 
Jo^li BUimgs, That Mr. Shaw aspires to be a 
comic Tup])er is evidenced in the various chapters 
headed "Pioverbs," "Remarks," '' Sayins," and 
" Afferisims." That he has had Artemus Ward be- 
fore him is demonstrable by comparing the chapter 
in which " Josh Billings Insures his Life^'' with Ar- 
temus Ward's celebrated paper, entitled " His Auto- 
biography^." * But Artemus is great in telling a 
story, having an imaginative power to conceive an ae 
cident, plan the action of a piece of drollery, invent ac 
odd character, and describe his creation with infinite 
humor and force. The talent of Mr. Shaw is of 

' • " ArtemuB Ward, Hia Book," p. 316. 



BIOGRAPHICAL tNTRODUOTION. 



another kind. He is aplioristically comie, it I may 
usetlie phrase. He delights in being ludiciously sen? 
tentious — in Tupperizing laughingly, and in causing 
an old adage to appeal* a new one through the fantas- 
tic manner in which it is dished up. He is the comic 
essayist of America, rather than her comic story-teller. 
His fost book was issued May 19, 1866, in Xew 
York, by George W. Carleton, the publisher of Ar- 
t^mus Ward's Works, and was entitled *' Josh Bil- 
lings, His Book" This volume had a large sale, and 
was followed in July, 1868, by a new work entitled 
'' Josh Billings on Ice." But his greatest success, in 
a literary line, was the publication of 

Josh Billings' Faejiek's Allmixax, 

of which the Sew Yot-h Tribune^ in 1875, says : — 

^'Several years ago Mr. Carleton, the publisher 
was seized with the belief that a burlesque of the 
popular almanac, such as the "Old Farmers' Alma- 
nac," to which New England pinned its meteorologi- 
ca faith, woTild be remunerative. He suggested the 
idea first to " Artemus Ward," aftei-wards to "' Or 
pheus C. Kerr," and next to " Doesticks," but none of 
them thought favorably of it. An arrangement was 
at last made with ^' Josh Billins^s " and so the " All- 
minax" came about. Nearly 150,000 copies were 
Bold the first year, 1870, and almost as many since, 
and though the retail price is only a quarter of a 
dollar, Mr. Shaw is said to have received nearly 
$5,000 the first year, and over $30,000 in alL" 

It has been said of Josh Billings by one of the 



irr BI06£Ut'HICAL INTKODUOTION. 

critics of his own land that " His wit has no edge to 
betray a malicious motive; but is rathei a Feejee 
club, grotesquely carved and painted, that makea 
those who feel it grin while they wince. All whom 
he kills die with a smile upon their faces." In direct- 
ing his shafts against humbug, pretension, and falsity 
he worthily carries out the ti*ue vocation of the comic 
writer. Many authors there are who write funnily 
merely to amuse. There is always a higher purpose 
peeping out from among the quaint fancies and odd 
expressions of Joiih Billings. Just inasmuch as 
America is prolific of humorists and satirists, does 
she require them. The bane and the antidote grow 
in the same garden. 

Were it not for the satirists of America — of whom 
Josh Billings is one as well as a humorist — it is diffi- 
cult to iraao-ine to what ludicrous eccentricities the 
people would lend themselves. Too self-sufficient t(j 
listen to argument, they are keenly sensitive to ridi- 
cule, and a little of Josk Billings is more effective in 
doing good than the best sermon a foreign fi'iend 
could preach them. Burlesque their salient, amiable 
weaknesses — that is, let them be bui'lesqued by one 
of their own people, not by a foreigner — and they at 
once see the point of the joke. In illustration of 
this, there was a paper in Cincinnati which was veiy 
much given to use the phrase, '* this great countiy/' 
and carried the use of it to an unwai'rantable extent 
Ic ceased to do so when the following appeared in r 
neighboring journal ; — 

" This la a glorious conntry ! It has longer rivers 



BIOGRAPHICAL DTTEOI UOTIOl? . 

and more of them, and they are muddier and deeper, 

and run faster, and rise higiier, and make more noise, 
and fall lower, and do more damage tlian anybody 
else's rivers. It has more lakes, and they are bigger 
and deeper, and clearer, and wetter than those of any 
other country. Our rail-cars are bigger, and run 
faster, and pitch off the track oftener, and kill more 
people than all other rail-cars in this and every other 
country. Oui' steamboats cany bigger loads, are 
longer and broader, burst their boilers oftener, and 
send up their passenf^ers higher, and the captains 
swear harder than steamboat captains in any other 
countrv. Our men are bifr^rer, and lonofer. and 
thicker, can fight harder and faster, drink mor*^ mean 
whiskey, chew more bad tobacco, and spit more, and 
spit further than in any other country. Our ladies 
are richer, prettier, di-ess finer, spend more money 
break more hearts, wear bigger hoops, shoi-ter dresses, 
and kick up the devil generally to a greater extent 
than all other ladies in all other countries. Our chil- 
dren squall louder, grow faster, get too expansive for 
their pantaloons, and become twenty years old sooner 
by some months than any other children of any other 
country on the earth." 

Bm'lesques, such as the above, whether written b} 
Ai*temus AVard or 'Josh Billings^ have not been with- 
out their good effect in the United States. The genius 
of "Lifaluten " as the Americacs <^all it — the word ia 
derived, I believe, frop^ ^' Livphen-looping " — has re 
ceived many mort^, wounds lately from the hands oi 
the satirifita 9vA good results have ensued- 



ZJitXU BIOOBAPHIOAL INTRODUCnOK. 

The writings of Josh Billivgs cannot be read with 
out exciting mirth, without sometimes hitting home^ 
nor without the reader becoming satisfied that 
America has added to her humorous authors one in 
every way well qualified to take foremost rank. 

For real side-shaking fun, the reader may turn to 
many pages of this volume and find a copious supply ; 
but, if he is desirous of humor and pathos allied, let 
him turn to the chapter on " The Fust Baby," page 
383. He will there find that, underlying the caustic 
wit of Josh Billings^ and a stratum or two deeper 
than his quaint fun, is a quiet layer of genuine feel 
ing capable of comprehending and of originating the 
power to express the 7^ry poetry of pathos. The 
^' fust baby " born " on the wrong side of the garden 
ov Eden " is invested in this humorous essay ^vith all 
the interest which babyhood is susceptible of acquir 

There is little that remains to be said relative to 
^Ir. Shaw, except to express the opinion that he has 
taken a very worthy position among the authors of 
his own country, and is likely to become a general 
favorite in Enc^land in his character of '* Josh Bil- 
lin<jsr Some of his latest papers were contributed 
to the New Yorh Saturday Bress, under the nead 
of "GwJigs and Billings," with a commendator} 
notice by the editor of that paper, Henry Clapp, jun.. 
Vi hose name is not altogether unknoTSTi t<» the literary 
men of London and of Paris. 



KOiS^TENTMENT. 

KONTEXTMEXT is the gift ov God, as it kan be culti- 
vated a little, bnt it is hard tew acquire. Kontenttnent ia 
sed to be the same az happiness, this ackounts for the small 
amount ov happiness laying around loose, without ennj owner. 
I don't beleave that man was made tew be kontented, nor 
happv in this world, for if he had bin, he wouldn't har hank- 
ered enulF for the other world. 

When a man gits perfektly kontented, he and a clam are 
fust couzins. 

Contentment iz a kind ov moral laziness ; if thare want 
ennything but kontentment in this world, man wouldn't be 
any more -of a suekcess than an angleworm iz. 

When a man gits so he don't want ennything more, he iz 
like a^'ackcoon with his intestines full ov green corn. 

Contentment iz one ov the instinkts, i admit it tew be hap 
piness, but it iz kind ov spruce gum chawing happiness. 

We all lind fault with ^. iam and Eve, for not being kon- 
tented, but if they had bin satisfied with the gardin ov Eden, 
and themselfs, they would hav been living thare now, the 
only two human beings on the face ov the arth, ae innocent 
as a couple of vegetable oysters. 

They would hav bin two splendid specimens or the handy 
work ov God, elegant portraits in the vestibule or heaven, 
but they would not hav developed reazon, the only God-like 
attribute in man. 



34 



ESSAYS. 



When a man iz tiioroly kontented, he iz either too lazy tc 
want ennything, or too big a phool tew enjoy it. 

I hav lived in naberhoods whare every boddy seemed to be 
kontented, but if the itch had ever broke out in them naber- 
hoods. the people would have skratched to this day. 

I am in favor of all the vanitys, and petty ambishuns, all 
the >^&loi',svs and baokbitings in the world, not bekauze : 
think they am'hansome, but bekauze I think they stir up 
men, and wimmm, git them onto their muscle, cultivating 

their venom and rea 
zon at the same time, 
and proving what a 
brilliant cuss man may 
be, at the same time 
that it proves what a 
miserable cuss he iz. 

I had rather see two 
wimmin pull hair, than 
tew see them set down, 
thoroughly satisfied 
with an aimless life, 
and never sufier eney 
excitement, greater 
than bleeding tears 
together, through their 
noze, for a parcel of 
shirtless heathen on 
the coast ov Madagas- 
kar, or, once in a while, 
open their eyes, from a dream ov young hyson contentment 
tea, tew sarch the allmiknak, for the next change in the moon. 
Contentment, in this age of the world, either means death, 
or dekay, in the days ov Abraham, contentment was simply 
ignorance. 

The world iz now full ov laming, the arts, and sciences, 
and all the thousand appliances ov reazon, these things 




Ik^ 



PERFEBHTLT SATISFIED. 



KOXTENTMEXT. 35 

make ignorance the exception, and no man liaz a right tew 
cultivate contentment, ennv more than he haz tew cut oph 
hiz thum, and set quietly down, and nuss the stub. 

Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show 
yu an useless one. 

What we want iz folks who won't be kontented, who 
kant be kontented, who git up in the moniing, not simply to 
hav their bed made, but for the sake ov gitting tired ; not for 
the sake ov nourishing kontentment, but for the sake ov put- 
ting tm-pentine in sum ded place, and stiring up the animals. 

Contentment was born with Adam, and died when Adam 
ceased tew be an angel, and bekum a man. 

I don't say that a man couldn't be hatched out, and, like 
a young owl, set on a dri limb, awl hiz days, with hiz branes 
az fasst asleep az a mudturkles, and at last sneak into heaven, 
under the guize of kontentment, but i do say, that 10 genera- 
shuns ov sich men would run most of the human race into 
the gi-ound, and leave the ballance az lifeless, and az base, as 
a currency made out ov puter ten cent pieces. 

I would like jist az well az the next man, tew crawl into 
a hole, that jist fitted me, hed fust, and thus shutting out all 
the light, be contented, for i know how avr'fully unsothening 
the aims, and ambishuns ov life are, but this would only be 
lyurying mi few tallents, and sacrificing on the ded alter ov 
kontentment, what war given me, to make a fire or a smudge 
Avith. 

Thare aint no sich thing as contentment and reazon exist- 
ing together; thoze who slip out ov the crowd, into sum 
alley, and pretend they are chawing the cud of sweet kontent- 
ment, the verry best specimens ov them, are no better than 
pin cushions, stuck full. 

They have jist az menny longings az ennybody, they have 
jist az menny vices, their virtews are too often simply a mix- 
tur ov jealousy and cowardice. 

Contentment is not desighned, as a stiddy bizziness, for the 
sons ov man, while on this arth. 



36 ESSAYS. 

A yeller dogg, with a tin kittle tew his tale, climbing a 
hill, at a three minit gate iz a more reazonable spektacle for 
me, thaft a slimy snail, contented and happy. 



MARKIAGE. 

MARRIAGE iz a fair ti^ansaction on the face ov it 
Bat thare iz quite too often put up jobs in it. 

It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, an^ az 
phull ov hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse. 

History holds its tounge who the pair waz who fust put 
on the silken harness, and promised tew work kind in it, 
thru tliick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain 
or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote. 

But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing 
out ov it, or so menny ov their posterity would not hav har- 
nessed up since and drov out. 

Thare iz a grate moral grp in marriage ; it iz the mortar 
that holds the soslmll bricks too^ether. 

But there ain't but darn few pholks who put their money 
in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written 
opinyun whi on arth they cum to did it. 

This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov 
acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, 
when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell 
why. 

Sum marrv for buty, and never diskover their mistake; 
this iz lucky. 

Sum marry for money, and — don't see it. 

Smn marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and 
then very sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain't 
no better than skimmilk. 

Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized 



MAI^KIAGE. 37 

tew learn that their relashuns don't care a cnss for them 
afterwards. 

Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else ; 
this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel ; pride may make ii 
endurable. 

Sum marry for loye without a cent in their pocket, nor a 
friend in the world, nor a drop oy pedigree. This looks 
desperate, hut it iz the strength ov the game. 

If maiTving for loye ain't a suckcess, then raatrimonj iz a 
ded beet 

Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be ekarse 
next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out. 

Sum marry tew git rid oy themselfs, and diskoyer that the 
game waz one that two could play at, and neither win. 

Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gan^.- 
bhng game, the more they put dowTi, the less they take up. 

Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder 
whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies. 

Sum marry, they kan't tell whi, and liy, they kan't tell hc^. 

Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke. 

Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it care- 
ful over. 

Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and 
marry. 

Both ways are right, if they hit the mark. 

Sum marry rakes tew convert them This \z a little riekj, 
and takes a smart missionary to do it. 

Sum marry coquetts. This iz lil^e buying a poor farm, 
heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance ov yure days 
tew clear oph the mortgages. 

Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it 
its flavour. Every body luvs tew phool witli the cliances, 
bekauze eveiy boddy expekts tew win, init i am authorized 
tew state that every boddy don't win. 

But, after all, married life iz full az certai i az the diy 
£:fKxis bizxiness. 



3S ESSAYS. 

!No mau kan swear exackly whare lie will fetch up wlieji 
he touches calico. 

Kuo man kaa tell jist what calico haz made up its mind 
tew do next. 

Calico don't kno even herself. 

Dri goods o'' all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis. 

Sum never /nany, but this iz jist az riskv, the diseaze 12 
the same, with no other name to it. 

The man who stands on the bank shivvering, and dassent, 
iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed 
fust into the river. 

Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze thej woTVt 
they all hanker, and most ov them stai-ve with slices ov bread 
before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit. 

Marry yung ! iz mi motto. 

I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about. 

If enny boddy asks yu wlii yu got married, (if it needs be), 
tell him, yu donH reccolleJd. 

Marriage iz a safe way to gamble — if yu vrin, yu win a 
pile, and if yu loze, yu don't loze enny thing, only the privi- 
lege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet. 

I repeat it, in italicks, marry young ! 

Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, 
and that iz — a second marriage. 



FASHION'S PEAYER' 



KIND Fortune may thi mersys endure forever: smil« 
tliou out ov thi loving eyes Tipon this line bust ov 

mine. 

Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and hiz money 
hold out to the last. 

Draw the lamb's wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz 



rASIIIOX-S PKAYER. 3^ 

eyes, that mi llirtashiuis may look to liim like viktorys, and 
that mi bills may strengthen hiz pride in me. 

Bless, oh ! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let 
thi glory shine npon mi paint and powder. 

When i walk out before the gaze ov ^-ulgar man, regulate 
mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters. 

Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and 
liair-frizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, 
and as^ighns forever. 

Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves 
upon the bran ov tlii love. 

Blister, oh! Fortune, witli the heat ov thi wrath, the man 
who treds upon the trail ov my garments. 

Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother 
me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them up to 
suit thi self. 

When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it 
with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily- 
vrhite ov mi fiesh, and the taper ov mi fingei*s. 

Smile thou graciously, oh! Fortune, upon mi nu silk 
dress, now in the hands of the manty -maker, and may it tit 
me all over like unto, as the ducks foot fitteth the mud. 

Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat 
thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style. 

Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness. 

Fill both mi eyes, oh ! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon 
ov infatuashun, that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as 
knumb-images graven. 

Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and 
may mi nek swim like a goose on ihe buzzum ov krystal 
waters. 

Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller, 
and save me from all korns, and bunyons. 

Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destnick- 
&hun upon thoze who would hurt a hair ov Hektor mi kitten. 

Kemove for from me all the walk of the sorrowful, and 



40 



ESSAYS. 



shield mi sensitiff 
Shed the light ov 
thi countenance on 
mi kammel's hair 
shawl, and mi neck- 
lace 07 dimonds, I 
beseech thee. 

Enable the poor 
to shirk for them- 
selfs, and save me 
from all missionary 
beggars. 

I hav always ben 
a friend to thee, 
oh Fortune, there- 
fore bless me for 
erer, and ever. 



natur from the klamours ov the widder. 




THE BIZZY BODY. 



IDO]!TT mean the industrious man, intent, and constant 
in the way of duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov set- 
ting, cums clucking oph from the nest in a grate hurry, and 
full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire ; scratching a little 
here, and suddenly a little thare ; chuck full ov small things, 
like a ritch clieeze ; up and down the streets, wagging around 
evry boddy, like a lorst dorg ; in and out like a long-tailed 
mouse ; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard 
shower ; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney ; 
az fat with pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing ; as 
knowing az a tin weathercock. 

This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, 
they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint 
worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kaii 
tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most pigs, 
And what Sq^uire Benson got for maiTying hiz last couple. 



TIIE BIZZY BODY. 41 

All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to use a 
few brains to codvantage, if they only knew a little less they 
would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend 
a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not 
confusion to the travellers. 

The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leiznre az a yearling heifer, 
hiz time, (nor noboddy else's) aint Avorth nothing to him, he 
will button hole an auctioneer on the block, or a minister in 
the pulpit, and wouldn't hesitate tew stop a phuneral pro- 
cession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar 
with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use ta 
you, az a friend, than a sucked orange. 

Theze bizzy people are of av.d genders — maskuline, iemi- 
nine and nuter, and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az 
necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret. 

One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep 
a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more 
than a daily paper ; she iz better than the '' Cook's Own 
Book," or a volume of household receipts, and works harder 
and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on the 
Third avenue cars. 

The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly ; 
he lights on you only for a roost, but iz alwa^'s az unprofita- 
ble to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry 
peddlar. 

Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets 
— never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and 
are to be feared, not trifled with ; but my bizzybody has no 
gaul in his liver ; his whole karackter iz his face, and he 
iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter. 

They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely 
patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who 
have got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest 
sin iz not their waste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But 
time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it duz 
tew a tin watch in a toy shop window. 



42 ESSAYS. 

Tliey are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but 
bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut 
shells, on the floor. 

Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybodj^, no more than 
thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg — if yu git rid ov 
the fleas \i\ hav got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the 
dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you 1 

Bizzyness and bissness are two difl'rent things, altho they 
pronounce out loud similar. 

But after all i don't want tew git shut ov the Bizzy peo- 
ple ; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy 
haz got to be a noosanse, and being aktive about nothing, 
iind energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but iz 
10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even the grand 
larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are 
seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only 
-deal in second-hand articles ; they haint got the tallent to 
invent, they seldum lie, bekauze their bizziness don't require 
it ; thare iz stale truth enuff lieing around loose for their pur- 
pose. 

Don't trust them only with what you want to have scat- 
tered, they will find a ready market for eveiy thing that a 
prudent man would hesitate tevv^ ofier, and they always sup- 
poze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and 
gossip for wisdum. 

It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swopped ofl" for 
the glory of telling what good people don't love to hear, and 
what viscious ones only value for the malice it contains. I 
should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a 
shilling a head to feed an anaconda vrith. 



FASTIDIOUSNESS. 



FASTIDIOUSNESS iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. 
I hav saw people who had rather die and be buried 
than say hull. Tliey wouldn't hesitate tew say wale cow. 



LOVE. 



43 



-WHM NO'.A 



If the moiights are pure and tlie language iz chaste, it will 
do tew say almoste ennything. 

The young lady who, a fu years ago, refused tew walk 
akrost a potato Held, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away 
from home, soon after- 
wards, with a jewelry 
pedlar. 

Fastidiousness, az a 
o^eneral thins^ iz a holy- 
day virtew, and i hav 
frequently notissed 
that thoze individuals 
who are alwus afrade 
they shal cum akrost 
smnthing hily improp- 
er, are generally look- 
ing for it. 

Fastidiousness and 
delikasy are often kon- 
founded, but thare iz 
this dilTerence — the 
truly del ik ate aint 

afrade tevr take holt fastidiousness. 

ov things that they are willing tew touch at all w^Ith their 
naked hands, while the fastidious are willing tew take holt ov 
enny thing with gloves on. 

Delikasy iz the coquetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the 
prudery ov falsehood. 




LOYE. 

LOVE iz one ov the pashuns, and the most diffikult one ov 
all tew deskribe. 
I never yet hav herd love well defined. 
I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they were writ- 



4:4: ESSAYS. 

ten by thoze who were in love, (or thought they waz), and \ 
wouidn^t beleave such testimony, not even under oath. 

Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in 
love, and if they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribe, 
let them set down and deskribe it, and see if the pei*son who 
listens tew the deskripshun will be satisfied with it. 

I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends 
all sed i had a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed 
me, but couldn't deskribe it. 

Xow all that i kan rekolekt about tliis luv sikness iz, that 
for thoze T long yeai*s i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a 
kondem phool than ordinary. 

Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuiF tew hav, bekauze it iz 
natral ; but enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long 
years, after he gits over it, feels sumthing like the phellow 
who haz phell down on the ice when it iz verry wet — he dont 
feel like talkins: about it before folks. 



FEAE. 

SUM pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i 
dont. 

I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze 
who are edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike. 

Fear and courage are instinkts. 

A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full 
or fckare, hiz hare on hiz hed will git up on end, I dont kare 
how mutch edukashun yu pile on top ov it. 

The gratest kowards in the world are the men or the most 
genius — they are the most silly kowards. 

One ov theze kind ov men will quake with fear when a 
mouse knaws in the wainskote at night, but they will faee 
an earthquake next day with composure. 

1 dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear; it iz 
detli when it exhausts itself and ends in despair. 



BUTY. eS 

I am a grate koward miself , and beleave i waz bom so, and 
jet tliare is nothing which i despize so mntch as kowardice. 

I would give all the other virtews i hav got (proTided 1 
hav got euny), and throw in a hundred dollars in munnr 
besides, for an unlimited supply ov courage. 

I would like tew hav courage enuff tew face the deril him- 
self, if he waz the least bit sassy tew to me. 

I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiae all 
the animal kreashun hav it well defined. 



BUTY. 

BUTY iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeehilv for a 
woman who aint hansum. 

Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult tew define 
than buty. 

It iz a blessed, thing that there ain't no rules for it, for the 
way it iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife. 

Thare Lz grate power in female buty ; its viktorys reach 
klear from the Garden ov Eden down to yesterday. 

Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and 
vpaz the fust man tew acknowledge it. 

But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory — a mere 
perspektive to the background. 

Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and 
git phatt. 

AVhen buty and good sense jine each other, yu bar got s 
mixtur that "v^dll stand both wet and dry weather. 

I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had 
buty enufi" tew make herself hily agreeable ; but i hav seen 
3 or 4 Y^'immin in mi day who hadn't sense enuif tew make a 
good deal ov buty the least bit charming. 

But, az i sed before, thare ain't no posatifF rule for bntj, 
and i am dredful glad ov it, for every boddy wouM be afte/ 



46 ESSAYS. 

that rule, and sumboddy wouldn't git enuy rule, besides run^ 
ning a grate risk ov gitting jammed in tlie rush. 

Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint — it iz wuss, if possl 
ble, than the nosegay disseaze. 

If there iz sitch a thing az a butif ul man on earth, he haz 
mi simpathy. Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the 
only accomplishment he had waz tew blatt like a lamb. 



FAITH. 

FAITH iz the rite bower ov Hope. 
If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this 
world. We couldn't even eat hash with enny safety, if it 
want for faith. 

Human knowledge is very short, and don't reach but a 
little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite ; but faith 
lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan 
see tew read the letterings on the mile stuns. 

Paith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or 
sentiments ov the heart and bed put together. 

Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz 
whipped. 

But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set 
down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the 
buty ov her attributes ; but she iz the heroine ov forlorn 
Hope — she feathers her arrows with reazon, and fires rite at 
the bull's eye ov late. 

1 think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attri- 
butes, i would take it all in faith — red hot faith I mean ; and 
tho i mit^ make sum fust rate l)lunders, i would do a rushing 
bizzness amung the various dri bones thare iz laying around 
loose in this -arorlrl. 



BKANES. 47 

EEAXES. 

BTtA2sTS are a sort ov animal pulp, and bj common 
konsent are suppozed tew be tlie medimn ov thought. 

How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinkinf]:, 
©r are the interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell ; 
and, for what i kno, this theory may be one ov thoze remark- 
able diskoverys ov man which aint so. 

Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew 
lift, i kant prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venera- 
shun tew guess at them. 

Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, 
but investigashun satisfys me that they are planted all over 
the boddy. 

I find that a dansing .master's are situated in hiz heels and 
toze, while a fiddler's all center in hiz elbows. 

Sum people's branes seem tew be placed in their hands 
and fingers, which explains their grate genius for taking 
things which they kan reach. 

I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew konorre- 
gate in the tounge ; and once in a grate while they inhabit 
tlie ears, and then we hav a good listener, but theze are sel- 
dum cases. 

Sum times the branes ain't enny whare in partikular, but 
all over the boddy in a minnit. These fellows are like a 
pi-.smire just before a liard shower, in a big hurry, and alwus 
trieins: tew o^o 4 different wavs tew once. 

Thare seems tew be kases whare thare aint enny branes at all, 
but this iz a mistake, i thought i had cum akrost one o\- 
theze kind once, but after watching the pashunt for an hour, 
and see him drink 5 horns ov poor whiskey during the time, 
i had no trouble in telling whare hiz branes all lay. 

I hav finally cum tew the konclushun that branes, or sum 
thing else that iz good tew think with, are excellent tew hav ; 
but yu want tew keep ynre eye on them, and not let them 
phool awav their time, nor vures neither. 



4S ESSAYS. 

SPPwraO AIS'D BILES. 

Spring came this year az mutcli az usual, hail butuons vir- 
gin 5000 years old and upwards,hale and harty old gal, wel- 
cum tew York State, and parts adjacent ! 

Now the birds ja\y, now the cattle holler, now the pigs 
skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur 
is frisky, the earnest pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the 
nobby cockroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and " coming 
thru the rhi." Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray 
outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his 
iast year's bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the 
hoarse shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard. 

Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor 
chats with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless 
toward the school. These things are all fust rate in their place, 
but spring brings pesky Mies, and plants them carelessly, 
sometimes among the maiden's charms, and sometimes among 
the youno- men*s. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, 
just now, for i liave one in full bloom growing on me, almost 
reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az 
a broken heart. 

Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az 
kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. 
Biles alwus pick out the handyest place on youre boddy tew 
bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it 
only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. 
TLare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. 
They are like an impudent bed bug, they won't move till 
they hav got their fill. 

Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first 
champion ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more 
biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, 
two very rare things to be found, in enny man. 

Bile^ and 2^(^shu?ice ! i should as soon think or mixing 
courting and muskeeters together, for luxury. 



SPRING AND BLISS. 4S 

I liav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashnnce, but 
i hain't got enoiigh faith in biles, i wouldn't trust a bile, 
even on one ov^ mi boots. 

I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sum- 
times iz an evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz 
only numbness, but i don't thinkin these smoothe shod times 
it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov 
them. 

But i am out ov the road, i must git back onto biles agin. 

If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight 
and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go 

to the . Biles are very sassy ; sumtimes when yer go to 

set down, they will get between yer and the chair ; this iz one 
evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant her- 
self on the f runt end of mi nose, which was a most remarkabel 
piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi nozeenny- 
where f ora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it 
covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy , and i guess 
they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet's 
nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy — i am 
willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal or 
helthy — but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in 
order to be helthy, i should think that i Avas bulling the mar- 
ket. 

There iz one more smart thing about biles ; they are like 
twins ; they hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them 
to throw double sixes. 

What ! twelve biles on one man at a time ! This is wus 
than fighting bumblebees with your summer clothes on. 

Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land, 
to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she 
wants to spare. This is so without doubt, but it don't strike 
me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew shov ophher biles 
onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care or their 
own biles. 

But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean 



50 



ESSAYS. 



names curi-ent amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and 

spit on them, groan, 
grin and swear when 
thev visit yer, hit them 
over the head and set 
on them if yer pleaze, 
there iz a time in their 
career when they con- 
centrate aul the pathos 
ov joy that a man haz 
on hand to spare, and 
that iz — when they 
bust ! 

This iz bliss, glory, 
and revenge on the haif 
shell. A man leans 
back in rektified com- 
fort, az innocent and az 
limber az a mermaid. 

CONSULTIKG YOUR DOCTOR ON BILES. Tllls paVS for tll6 

fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz been 
batching. Exit Biles. 




TIGHT BOOTS. 

I WOULD jist like to kno who the man waz who fust 
invented tite hoots. 

He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss. 

If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or Iz en- 
joying grate agony ov sum kind. 

I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but gener- 
ally could manage to make them average ; but thare iz no 
sich thing az making a pair of tite boots average. 

Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite ooots, and be hum- 
ble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will 
make a good husband. 



, TIGHT BOOTS. 51 

Oh I for tlie pen ov departed Wm. Sliakspear, to write an 
anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome 
Avake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous 
ockashun. 

Oh ! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings 
all the tite boots ov creashun, and shatter them tew the S 
winds ov heaven. 

Oh I for the buty ov TenuS; tew make a bigg foot look han- 
sum without a tite boot on it. 

Oh ! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nus5 a tite 
boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more 
pinclifull. 

Oh I for a "nair of boots bisrsr enuff for the foot ov a moun- 
tain. 

I liave been led into the above assortment ov Oh's ! from 
having in my posseshmi, at this moment, a pair ov number 
nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them. 

Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog's noze the fust time he wears 
a muzzle. 

I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth. 

I liv in hopes they will. 

I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in 
this way, but ihav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs 
more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes 
a bioro: foot for a small one. 

Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the 
deA-il ; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit 
for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to Inirt hiz boots. 

I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times dur- 
ing mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled 
agin, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk 
ake from a suddin attak ov tite boots. 

But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever 
wear ; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have 
to go barefoot to do it. 

I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more 



52 ESSAYS. 

Ea«7 boots iz one of the luxnrys ov life, but i f or^t what 
the other luxury iz, but i don't kno az i care, provided i kan 
git rid ov this pair or tite boots- 

Enaj man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what 
they kost, and if they don't make his feet ake wuss than an 
angle worm in hot ashes, he needn't pay for them. 

Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kail to mind now 
who could hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed 
them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, 
but life row days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness 
to phool away enny ov it on tite boots. 

Tite boots are an insult to enny man's understanding. 

He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the 
corn. 

Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wratli, 
and proraiskious cussing. 

Beware ov tite boots. 



THE LXlSi AND THE DOVE. 

THE lam iz a juvenile sheep. 
They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov 
them die just az soon az green peas cum. 

Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam. 

Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won't bight, nor skratch, 
n(X talk sassy. 

They don't kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on 
;he grass, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and 
liar phun generally. 

I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i 
luT lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. 
This may look like oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments 
enny how. 

Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i 
had a go«d deal ov lam it wouldn't diskourage me. 



THE LAM AND THE DUV. 53 

Marj waz a good girl — an ornament tew iter sekt. 

Mar)^'s lam waz a good lam — an ornament tew biz or her 
sekt, i don't remember which. 

It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn 
fakts. 

, When a lam gite thru being a lam, they immejiatelj beknra 
a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them. 

There ain't mutch poetry in mutton. 

Sheep are mutton. 

Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious. 

When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozeg 
most all ov its lamness. 

This fakt iz too well known tew require an afHdavid. 

The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are 
wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things 
am. 

It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam ii possessed 
ov should be for sale. 

It iz jiss so ^vith most all the innosense and purity in this 
world — it iz too often brought to the shambles. 

I euppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would Btop grow- 
ing when he got to be about 8 weeks old ; but then, cum tew 
think ov it, this would make mutton awful skarse. 

It would also make lams dredf ul plenty. 

It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed 
since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az 
lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin. 

The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi Ha- 
tnr, but short bi desighn. 

During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, 
and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in 
the bud. 

Kot to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the re- 
sponsibility jist whare it belongs, lam's tails are kut oph bi 
man. 

This iz a mean thing for man to do ; but man is «apabie ov 
doing dredfnl mean things, jist bekauze he iz a mao. 



54 



KSSAYS. 



LOVB 



Man aint satisfied tew leave eniiy thing in this world az he 
phinds it. 

Lams are ov the mail and f email perswashnn. 

Thare are none ov 
the animals, that i 
kan remember ov 
now, that are ov the 
nuter gender except 
the mule. 

I hav often seen 
men ov the nuter 
jender. If yu don't 
beleave this, cum 
down whareiliv and 
i will point them out 
to yon. 

The f email lam 5z 
the dearest little 
package ov inno- 
sense and buty 
known to natralists 
/^/^/OCENCE Afemaillamizmi 

THE LAM AND DUT. p^de aud llOpC. I 

luv the whole entire eongregashnn ov them. The mail lam 
soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov their 
beds, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, 
theze horns are a hard thing tew kontradicket. 

I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into 
eplinters with one bio ov their horns. 

This iz terrible if true. 

The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram. 

The lam iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coatino: 
called Avool, from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from 
whitch yam iz sed to be spun. 

There iz a grate deal ov yarn sj^an in this world that liax 
no wool in it ; theze yarns are called phibs. 




THE DU\^ 5^ 

Piilbs are cot koiisiclercd feroslius. A pliib Iz a lie j-'ainted 
in water kuUers. 

Thare haz been more i^Libs in market since tbe formasliun 
ov man than thare haz been truth. 

Phibs are often ingenioiis, sometimes Cjiiite pretty, but are 
ahvus dangerous. 

Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth. 

Look out for them. 

Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lem- 
onade drinker.^, with a leetle port vrineinit just for effekt, hav 
been known tew bekum our most rehable whiskee drinkers. 



THE DUT. 

THE duv iz the lam amung bu-ds. 
They are az hannless az a dandy lion. 
They don't do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and 

coo. 

They luv each other like a nu married kupple. 

The duv alwus hav a good appetight ; they will eat from 
dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn't eat sum 
more. 

They are a long lived burd, and like the bimible bee, are the 
l)igge5t when they are born. 

I never knu a duv tevf la down, and di ov old age. 

They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the 
multiplikashun table. 

They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav 
got tew hav a good menny ov them. 

The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Xoahs 
pets, when he sailed. 

The fust duv he sent out ov the ark. brought bak an olive 



56 ESSAYS. 

branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn't bring 
bak enny thing. 

She even forgot tew cum bak herself. 

Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, 
and the one he sent out, and the one he had on hand, must 
hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov 
the duv. 

The duv iz more ornamental than useful. 

They are too inosent tew be very useful. 

Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizznese. 

I hav known haff a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, 
and make themselves useful for a fu minnitts, 

I don't hate duv pies. 

The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense. 

The bible tells us, '' to be az wize az a sarpent, hut harmless 
as a duv." 

This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness. 

Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be 
az harmless az a duv. 

The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man's natur iz a 
good dose. 

If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew 
overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he 
aint apt tew cook things enuif. 

The duv iz a homemade kritter ; they are as effecksliionate 
as a cockroach iz. 

The nearer they kan liv tew wliare man diiz, the more they 
are apt tew do it. 

Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points ; but i 
wouldn't like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want 
enny thing else but duvs and lams. Lut this place aint laid 
down on enny of the maps in this world. 

Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredf uJ 
unsartin. 

I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew 
make the good things more desirable, and all things that are 
Datral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient. 



THE OLD BACHELOE. 51 

THE OLD BACHELOR. 

AGHROKICK old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nutei 
gender, i don't cai-e how mutch he may offer tew bet 
that it ain't so. 

They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov 
soaking before they will do to use. 

I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse f o: 
their nuterness ; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry ; 
this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain't 
lit to hav a nice woman. 

Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan't travel az fast 
az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard 
tew ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched. 

A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog 
gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and 
often make the best ov wives. 

"When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a 
mown daizy. 

Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning m- 
to fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a 
cradle. 

The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way 
from which they are going, or set down on the grass and 
whissell sum lively tune till the flirt cums round. 

Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more 
than even, by making the old bachelors. 

A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have 
a grate quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman's natur, 
and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness. 

Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel ; they hav got 
tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov 
their capital at the fust swop. 

Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sura 
more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being man- 
ufackterd out ov dissapointed love. 

This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man's staying ©ut ixi 



5S ESSAYS. 

the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he 
haz made np hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich a place whare 
he knows the water iz over hiz hed, when if he would go a 
little furthei- np or down the creek, he wonld find the cross- 
ing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to 
beckon him a^rost. 

Dissapolnted luv must-ov course be all on one side, and 
this ain't enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than 
it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov 
spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one 
pop. 

Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they 
fear the hurden ov a family. 

This Vv'ould be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it ; 
the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the 
grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing 
so mutch to the pound. 

An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz 
relief from anxiety, hiz indepen dance. This iz a dead beat 
past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain't a more 
anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are char- 
cole sketches, ov boarding-school misses ; he dresses, greases 
hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and 
corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits 
laffed at for hiz pains. 

I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years 
old, and cum very near dicing a dozen times. I had more 
sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a 
heap ; i waz in a lively fever all the time. 

If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and 
self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and 
generally makes a good specimen ov the critters ; but what 
inore diss^ustino^ traits can a man have than these i — and thare 
iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the 
fackt tliat thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints 
BO thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes. 

There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus 



HOENS. 69 

far, that i think could hav bin an old l^achelor and done the 
siibjekt justiss, and he waz Adam ; but since Adam saw fit to 
open the ball, i hold it iz every man's duty to selekt a part- 
ner, and keep the dance hot. 



IX writing the biographi oy horns, i am astonished tew 
find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their 
pedigree and pretenshuns. 

" Cajpe Horny — Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to 
man. 

It iz a native oy the extreme bottom oy South Amerika, 
and gores the oshun. 

Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, 
which hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters oy the 
sea for a grate distance tew bekum craz}-, which frightens 
the vessells that go by thare, and makes them ]-are and pitch 
tremenjub'. 

This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont 
seem tew be oy enny use, only tew make folks go out oy 
their way tew git round it. 

" Horn ov a dilemraay — Dilemma iz derived from the 
Siamese yerb " diloss^^ which means a tite spot^ and liaz a 
horn on each end ov it. 

Thare iz no choice in theze two horns ; if yu seize one ov 
them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either 
both of them may pitch into you. 

I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives 
out, mi rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and tite both prongs 
witli mi whole grit. 

Xine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz 
alwus a good tite if yu git licked the tenth. 

Yu Ivant argy or reason witli the horn ov a dilemma, the 
only way iz tew advance in and fight for the gross amount. 

*» Coiv^s Horny — Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked 



60 



ESSAYS. 



or strate, worn bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, fci 
ornament in times ov peace, and used when thev go into wai 
tew stab with. 

Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord. 
At three years old a ring appears on the bottom or the 
horn next tew the hed, and each year after a fresh ring iz 
bom. 

In this way the cows kno how old they are. 
Snmtimes theze rings fill np the whole horn and grow olf 
onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but tliis only 

happens tew very old 
cows. 

I never knu it tew 
happen in mi life, and 
I dont think it ever 
did, it iz one ov them 
venerable lies that arc 
handed down from 
father to son, just t€w 
keep the stock ov lies 
from running out. 

When I waz a boy 
and had just began 
tew chew tobacco, i 
waz told that butter 
cum from the cow's 
horn — I hav since 
found out that this iz 
another cussed old lie. 
This heing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz 
sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew 
covet what aint undoubtedly so. 

" Dinner-Horn:'— Th\^ is the oldest, and most sakred horn 
thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays "Home, Sweet 
Home" about noon. It has bin listened tevv^, with more- 
rapturous delite, than ever Graifula's band haz. Yu kan 
kear it further than yu kan one ov Ylv. Boclman's guns. It 




HORK. 



KOEXS. €1 

will arrest a man and bring hini in f^uicker than & gheriffs 
%varreat. It kan oiitfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the 
deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old 
instrument ! long may yiire lungs last ! 

'* RarrCs Jlornp — A spiral root, that emerges suddenly 
from the figure hed or the maskuline sheep, and ramaSes 
mitill it reaches a tip end. Ham's horns are alwus a sure 
siglm ov battle. They are used tew butt with, hut vxiih out 
enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a 
deakon or an established church. A stor}' iz told ot old 
deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post 
holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz 
boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot. 
az a banter for a fisfht. 

Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram 
went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust 
shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian. 

The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, "with a 
heels-over-hed moshun. 

Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, 
the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice " * - 
'*yn darned — old cuss," and then all at once remembering 
that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying — 
'''that iz^ if I may he allowed the exjyresshuny 

The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made 
tew the ram. 

" WJiiaJcy Horn.'"' — This horn varys in length, but from 
I'hree to six inches iz the favorite size. 

It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur. 

It iz really more pugnashus than the ram's bom; six 
inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm. 

"When it knoks a man down it holds him thare. 

It iz either the principal or the sekond in most »li the 
Iniquity that iz travelling around. 

It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and ragraots 
of children. 

It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts s»hI Wited 



62 ESSAYS. 

more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil j^nt 
together. 

'^ Horn Co'iTibr — This simple little unsophistikated instru- 
ment haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children. 

I don't mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but tliat it 
haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their 
skalps. 

It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good 

appetite. 

It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz 
az thoroudi az a sarch warrent. 

o 

It iz an emblem of faith and neatness. 

When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, 
liung up and labeled, '-AVell done old mouser." 

I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb 
with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It 
reminds me ov mi boyhood, and the boyish things that waz 
running throngh mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and 
innocence. 

Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint 
got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the 
^* Powder Horn," the "Horn ov the Enll Head," and the 
''Horn ov Plenty;" and there iz also ''Horn Tooke," a 
celebrated writer ov hiz day ; but good-by for the present. 



KISSIXG. 

ITTA V written essays on kissing before this one, and they 
didn't satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the 
more a man imdertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will 
reduce his ignorance tew a science. 

Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than y^ kan the breath ov 
a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny 
more than yu kan a peach. 

Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell hoAV 



KISSING. 63 

a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth 
than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn't hesitate tew 
deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass. 

The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then 
set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yui.e lips. 

If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking 
another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man. 

I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz 
in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about 
it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kr)' 
when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their 
o^'u^ and think they hav found out how. 

I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional 
kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a 
Iiummingbird tew her roost. 

I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, 
that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, 
that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing 
to eat. 

Kissing an unwilKng pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az 
robbin a bird's nest, and kissinof too willin^r ones iz about 
az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dande- 
lions. 

The kind ov Idssing that I am talking about iz the kind 
that must do it. or spile. 

If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the an 
thor ov the first kiss ; kissing, like mutch other good tilings, iz 
anonymous. 

13 lit thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language 
without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much 
honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a 
mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good 
purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss. 

AVTio kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew 
a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the 
garden of Eden. 

Adam wan't the man, i don't beleave, tew pass sich a hand 



64 ESSAYS. 

I may be wix)ng in mi konklusions, but if enny boddj kan 
date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it, 

I don't know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist 
eimy boddj or not, if they did, they probably did it, like 
drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of 
proving sumthing else. 

1 do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage 
adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew 
stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint 
got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing 
stones tew a mark. 

I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov 
Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts ; they kist every 
time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately 
thought ov sumthing else they hadn't sed. I couldn't tell for 
the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what 
they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It 
waz a which, and tother, scene. 

Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the 
irame. It iz trew thare iz no stattu reo^alashun ai^inst two 
females kissing each other ; but i don't think thare iz much 
pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order ; and 
two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov dead- 
beatery. 

Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin 
seems to l>e az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with ; 
and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering 
ripe fruit from ones ovrn plumb tree, that would otherwise 
drop oph, or be stolen. 

Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the comer 
that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz 
only tew be had once in a phellow's life, in the original pack- 
>ige, and tliat iz when . . . 

Kot tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best 
not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no 
person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what 
kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny or mi 
help. 



WHAT I KN'O ABOUT PHARMING. 65 

"WHAT I KjS"0 about PH ARMING." 

"YTriiAT i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little. 

V f 111 buzzum friend, Horace Greelv, haz rit a book with 
the abnv name, and altho i haven't had time tew peerose it 
yet, i don't hesitate tew pronounse it bully. 

Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and thare- 
fore it ahit astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, 
and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharm- 
ing. 

A pharm,(now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse 
more bukwheat, and 
pumkins, run on the- 
ory, than it would 60 
years ago, run with 
manure, and hard 
knoks, 

Thare iz nothing like 
book laming, and the 
time will evventually 
cum, when a man, 
won't hav tew liav only 
one ov " t/osh IjiUing'a 
Farmers^ AUmanaXy'' 
to run a farm, or a 
kamp meeting with. 

Even now it aint 
unkommon, tew see 
three, or four, hired 
men, on a farm, with 

, ' „ BLOWING. 

three, or lour, spans ov 

oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the libraiy, 

and reads himself up for the days' plougliing. 

If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would 
rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized 
on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, 
and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents. 




66 ESSAYS. 

Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, 
ennvboddy thinks thev kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) and 
they han^ but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so 
plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, 
and proffitable bizzness. 

Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint noth- 
ing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops. 

When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, 
az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out 
agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which 
remarks, "menny are called, but few are chosen." 

I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum 
theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, 
phurnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, 
out of 12, for mi share ov the profiits, and the other phellow, 
paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share. 

By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the 
year. 

"What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and 
i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that 
if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn't 
start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ. 

If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, 
the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty 
mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what 
he kant sell, and go ragged enufi" all the time tew hunt bees. 

1 kno ov menny farmers, who are so afiiikted with super- 
stishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last 
quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with 
science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had 
the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see 
if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post- 
holes. 

This iz what i call running science into the ground. 

The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, 
except in praktiss : they are too often designed tew do the 
work ov praktiss. 



^HAT I KXOW ABOUT PHARMIXG. 67 

Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at 
him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, 
and brake him, just as yu would split a log. 

What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, 
6ut I undertook ten brake a kicking heifer once. 

I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direk- 
shuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits. 

I then sot down, and thought the thing over. 

r made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treat- 
iss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kick- 
ing heifer trade. 

I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking 
kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a bam yard fence, 
and writing the thing up. 

I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for 
that heifer. 

I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things 
i did, but i went in to win, and won. 

That heifer never bekum a cow. 

This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man 
haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and 
tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and makj up 
hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef 
than she iz for theoretick milk. 

I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that 
thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no 
theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of 
honest labour applied tew the sile. 

I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu 
things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often. 

I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by the- 
ory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a f u years, and i never 
knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the 
good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed 
down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing 
brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze- 

What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and 
experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss. 



<i8 ESSAYS. 

I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with^ 
than tb« experiense — even ov Methuseler. 

Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but 
jn kant do no bigbizzness with it, (now daze.) it aint hot enuif. 

Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most or the 
experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself. 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWEES. 

QU, — Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, 
limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated 
hamiss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed 
coachman ! 

Ans. — Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, 
hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and 
grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself " poor old hose.*' 

Qu, — Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say 
that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz 
skase? 

Ans. — I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never 
herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor 
a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a yartuons 
one konplain about the high price of happiness. 

Qu. — Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the 
falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the 
bliss thare waz in being boss ov one's self? 

Ans. — It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az 
tlio the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was 
saying it. 

Qu, — Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite 
sirkles, who didn't hav a ntch daddy, or who hadn't bored 
suckcessfully for ile liimself ? 

Ans. — If we hear ov enny sutch opening vre will telegraff 
yn at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with 
Feedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust kiass 
BneetiM^ h^use, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds 



WHISSLING. 69 

tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous 
individual, would be tew take liiz virtew under biz arm, keep 
shad}', and let the polite sirkles chew each other. 

Qu. — Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situa- 
tion in Xu York Sitty ? 

Ans. — Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. 
Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with sus- 
picion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they 
either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are 
too stingy to buy a bottle ov" Bolivards's oil ov seduktion,'' 
warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip. 

Qu. — Ivan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been 
invented yet to bring up a boy ? 

Ans. — Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. Eut here is 
a recipee that i giv av/ay. Bring up your boy in fear ov the 
rod and a gin mill. 

Qu. — Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a 
part ov a man's constitushun and bye laws ? 

Ans. — Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and 
subsist on the milk. 

Qu. — How fast duz sound travel ? 

Ans. — This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the 
noize 3^u are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for 
instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invita- 
ehun t«w git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters 
ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav 
strength enulf left tev/ be heard. 



WHISSLING. 

I HAV spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew 
find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am 
just az mutch uncivilized on the subjckt az i waz. 

I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat 
the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a tliousand 



ESSAY8. 



strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, 
iz az hard for me tew say. az mi prayers in lo dutch. 

Whissling iz a wind 
instrument, and iz did 
bi puckring up the 
mouth, and blowing 
tlirough the hole. 

Thare aint no tune 
on the whole earth 
but what kan be 
played on this instru- 
ment, and that sele- 
b r a t e d old tune, 
Yankeedoodle haz bin 
almost whissled tew 
deth. 

Grate tliinkers are 
not apt tew be good 
whisslere, in fakt, 
when a man kant 
think ov nothing, 
then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz 
a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a 
sharp, well puckered whissell. 

Good whisslers are gitting skarse, Y5 years ago they waz 
]>lenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, liaz 
took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheeiful amuzement. 
If i had a boy, who couldn^t whissell, i don't want tew be 
understood, that i sliould feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up 
for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew 
whissell hiiit rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate 
game ov kards. 

I wouldn't forc^ a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral 
inclinashim. 

TViimnin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i 
don't kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a 
good deal like crowing in alien. 




WHISSLING. 



WHISSLING. 71 

Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do. 

I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew 
do herself justiss. 

A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa 
let each one ov them stik tew their trade. 

Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing es- 
peshily if it iz well did. 

But i want it well understood that i am the last man on 
reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if 
she waz certain she had the right pucker for it. 

I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitu- 
shun. Whissling iz corapozed ov pucker and wind, and these 
tvro accomplishments denote vigor. 

Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger — this they 
do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwns 
konsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go 
down cellar with in the nite time. 

The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the ne- 
groes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the ac- 
complishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny 
darkey whissell so natral that ' a mocking-bird v/ould drop a 
worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger. 

I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty 
thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing 
which a dog will answer quicker than the vrissell or hiz mas^ 
ter, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters 
that live. 

It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to im- 
possible to phool him the sekond time. 

I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a 
good whissler. 

I wouldn't want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should 
expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove 
the mortgage miself. 

Yu cant whissell a mortgage opli from a f ann. 

A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good 
for nothing else, and the whissling may keep a man from git- 
tine lonesum, it wont keep him from jritting ragged. 



T2 ESSAYS. 

I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler^ 
and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth 
that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually 
killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness. 

Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences 
ov sum genius, but either of them will unlit a man for doing 
a good square day's work. 



H 



HOTELS. 

OTELS are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the 
Tnarried man's retreat, and the bachelor's fireside. 
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, smn on the European 
plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all. 

A ^ood landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz 
bizzness and means to do hiz duty. 

He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler 
draws Bigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife's 
father when he waz living, and yure wife's fust husband, but 
he don't speak about him. 

He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears 
vure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the ser- 
vants at vure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a 
shirt collar az stiff az broken china. 

A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same 
time be a miserable landlord. 

Most evrvbody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), 
but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept 
on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept 
in the country dunng a six-days' jury trial for killing sumbod- 
dy's yello dorg. 

A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and 
ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing. 

I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it 
alwus makes the swares, wuss. 



HOTELS. 73 

It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness 
ov hash az ministers go into the prof esshun, with the very best 
ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks. 

I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the 

tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but 

to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and 

see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the 

liouse, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell 

John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars 

and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ova traveler 

and let him went. 

This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) 

in most cases. 



Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov 
about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifielf 
Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line : 

Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelo 
gramly. 

It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are em- 
ployed bi the lawyers and judges. 

Yure room iz on the uttermost floor. 

The carpet iz ingrain — ingrained with the dust, kerosene 
ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns. 

Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov 
them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing. 

The buro haz three legs, and one brick. 

The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost 
their grip. 

Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain 
water in the pitcher cum out ov the well. 

Tlie soap iz az tuft tew wear az a whetstone. 

The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with 
spots. 

Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all 
three are busted. 

Thare iz a match-box, empty. 



74 ESSAYS. 

Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and tbare don't want to 
be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in ? 

The be! rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the 
ceiling. 

The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two niatti-asses, one 
cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az 
a sea biskitt. 

Yu ent^r the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once 
az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron. 

The bed iz inhabited. 

y u sleep sum, but rool over a good deal. 

For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to 
melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a tAvo 
inch auger makes in its jom*ney through an oak log. 

Bread solid, beef stake about az thikaz a blister plaster, and 
so tuff az a hound's ear. 

Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on 
one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another. 

A ]^)ewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one with- 
out enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one 
with two inches ov drowned Hies, and Ainegar in it. 

Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around joii earnestly, 
and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee. 

Yu say " ^o mam, i iliarJu yu,'"* and push back yure chair. 

Yn haven't eat enuff tew pay for picking yiire teeth. 



I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be 
and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could 
keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum 
landlords i have visited with. 

Thare are hotels that are a joy upon eartli, where a man 
pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married 
him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the 
kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, 
whare the beds fit a man's back like the feathers on a goose, 
and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yr.re 
mother had fried them. 



LAFFING. «0 

The/:e kind ov hotijis ought tew be biltoii wheels and travel 
anmnd the c-ountrv : they are az phull ov real cunifort az a 
thanksgiving pudding, but alass ! yes, alass ! tliey are az unplen- 
ty az double-yelked egg^. 



LAFFIXG. 

ANATOMIKALLY konsidered, laffing iz the sensashun 
ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in 

one spot- 
Morally konsidered, it iz the next be«t thing tew the 10 
commandments. 

Philosophikally konsidered, it be-ats Ilerrick's pills 3 pilk 
in the game. 

Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-arg}' all the logik in 
exiiitence. 

Analitikally kon:^idered, enny part ov it iz equal tew tlie 
whole. 

Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing 
tew drink. 

Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different froiu enny- 
thing else az it is from itself. 

Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and 
sum boddy. 

Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul. 

JSyllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows 
the premises. 

Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az 
a spring hi the road-side. 

Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe 
lantern. 

Exsndashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving prop- 
ertys ov a hot whiskee puntch. 

But this iz too bio: talk for me : theze flatulent words waz 
put into the dikshionary for those giants in knoiledge tew 



T6 ESSAYS. 

use Tvlio hav tew load a kannoii klean up tew tlie niuzzell 
with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires. 

But i don't intend this essa for lainng in the lump, hut Ibi 
laffing on the half-shell. 

LaSiing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat 
iz tew cum out or hiz hole when he wants tew. 

Yu kant keep it back bj swallowing enny more than yu 
kan tlie heekups. 

If a man JcunH h^ff there iz sum mistake made in putting 
him together, and if he vjonH laff he wants az mutch keeping 
away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot. 

I liaye seen people vrho laffed altogether too mutch for 
their own good or for ennyboddy else's ; they laft like a barrel! 
oy nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream. 

This is a grate waste oy natral juice. 

I haye seen other people who didn't lafi* enuft tew giy 
themself s yent ; they waz like a barrell oy nu sider too, tliat 
waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away 
on the sly 

Thare ain't neither oy theze 2 ways right, and they neyer 
ought tew be pattented. 

Sum pholks hay got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haff- 
way between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when 
he feels hiz oats, and don't exackly kno what ails him. 

Theze pholks don't enjoy a laff enny more than the man 
duz hiz yettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole. 

A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed. 

Thare iz another kind oy a laff which i neyer did enjoy, 
one loud busst, and then eye ry thing iz az still az a lager beer 
barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons oy 
beer around loose. 

Thare iz another laff whitch I hay annalized ; it cmns out 
oy the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz 
in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then 
dies in a simper. 

This kind oy a laff iz lamt at femail boarding-skools, and 



LAFFIXG. T7 

dont mean ennything ; it iz notliing more than the skin ov a 
laff. 

Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the 
heartj and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as 
spring water iz for a trout. 

Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend ; 
it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it 
kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the 
mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a handle, then 
it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around 
in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up tho 
whole face lili:c the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it 
swims oph on the aicwith a peal az klear and az happy az a 
dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an 
angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov 
violets in the heart whare it cum from. 

Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand ; it iz 
just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, 
it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles 
and twists him like a whiskce phit, it lifts him up oph from 
JiLz cheer, like feathers, and lets liim bak agin like melted led, 
it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and linally leaves him 
az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a 
Hushing bath and forgot tew be took out. 

This kind ov a lafr belongs tew jolly good phellows who 
are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az 
a t^all who iz cfoins^ tew be married to-morrow. 

In konclushion i say laif eveiy good chance yu kan git, but 
don't laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain't nothing in this 
world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more 
hollow than a hartless one. 

When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize 
tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu 
waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew ynie false hair with 
both hands aud then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested. 

But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter 
time. 



78 



ESSAYS. 



HOSS SEXSE. 

There is nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz s& 
.'^karse as good Hoss sense, about 28 boss povv^er. 

I don't mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan 

run a niile in 1:28 
and then brake 
down; nor trot in 
2:13, and good for 
nothing afterwards, 
only to brag on ; bnt 
I mean the all-day 
hoss sense, that iz 
good for 8 miles an 
hour, from rooster 
crowing in the morn- 
ing, until the cows 
cum home at night, 
klean tew the end 
ov the road. 

I hav seen fast 
sense, that was like 
sum hoses, w h o 
could git so far in 
one day that it would 

take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I don't mean 

this kind nuther. 

Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash well, wear 

\ve\], iron out without wrinkling, and take starch without 

k racking, 

Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but thev 

never find it a good deal ; uncommon sense iz ovthe nature of 

genius, and all genius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, 

like hens eggs, for the hunting. 

Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest 

tilings in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, 

it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik bread, alwiis in tune, 

e: ''er hv»t from the oven or 8 davs old. 




ORATION'. 



. SILENCE. 79 

Common sense kan be improved upon Ly edukasliun — 
genius kan l>e too, sum, but not much. 

Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting liarness. 

Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the 
pot, and it is good nex day v/armed up. 

If every man waz a genius, mankind would 1)0 az bad oph 
az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would 
git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame. 

Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don't make enny 
blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, oi 
going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it. 

Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum 
magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to 
good boss sense. 



SILENCE. 

Silence is a still noise. 

One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep 
^:ilL 

Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what 
tills the world with nonsense. 

Everj'boddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and no- 
boddy wants tew listen. 

The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are tlio 
magpie and ginny hen, and neitlier ov them are ov mutch 
account. 

If a man ain't sure he iz ]'ight the best kard he kan play iz 
a blank one. 

I have known menny a man tew beat in an argmnerit by 
just nodding his hed once in a while and simply saj^, ''^ysss so^ 
jess 80.^^ 

It takes a grate menny blows tevr drive in a nail, but one 
will clinch it. 

Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all daj' long, in 
« haff Im^liol meazzure. 



80 ESSAYS. 

Silence never makes ennj blunders, and ahvusgits azimitch 
credit az iz due it, and of times more. 

When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi- 
self, " looh out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure." 

I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a half and not 
git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a 
]jark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round. 

I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and 
evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps 
on mi boots. 

I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cmn hum 
so phuU ov it that i couldn't draw a long bretli without stai-t- 
ing a button. 

Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to say- 
ing nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game. 

One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan 
afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet 
published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny 
ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without 
hurting them. 

Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back 
upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz 
eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less. 

A thing sed iz hard tevr recall, but unsed it kan be spoken 
any time. 

Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the 
\>ld man. 



BEAYEEr. 

TEEE bravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch 
a part and parcel of a man's every day life az hiz clotheg 

iz. 

Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from princi- 
ple not impulse, and when no one sees him he iz just az lie 
roik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the m.ultitude. 



J>i5i'ATCiI. SI 

Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, 
and if it wan't for its spurs and cockade wouldn't amount tew 
mutcli. 

It iz not bravery to face what we kan't dodge, but it iz 
true courage tev/ face all things that are honest and dodge 
nothing. 

True bravery exists amung the lowly just az nmtch az amung 
the grate, and a man really liaz no more right tew expekt 
praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue. 

It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple trutli than 
it duz tew ^^'in a battle. 

He who tills to the brim the stashnn in life, which nature 
or fortune liaz given him, iz a hero ; i don't kare whether he 
iz a peasant on the hillside, or chief tian in the tented field. 

The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been 
among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possess^ 
ed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it. 

TThen I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don't 
go tew the pages ov history ; i kan find them in among the 
bipaths ov every day life, i hav known them tew liv out 
their lives and die without enny reckord here ; but hereafter, 
when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among 
the jewels. 



D 



DISPATCH. 

ISPATCII iz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. 
To do a thing right, and to do it qnick iz an attribute 
ov genius. 

Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch ; but thare iz just az 
much diflerence az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire 
vrhen they are both ov them on dutv. 

A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire 
alwus travels iust as tlio he had foro"ot sumthin^r. 

Hurry Avorks from morning until night, but works on a 
tred-Y\'heel. 



82 ESSAYS. 

Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the 
course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while 
hurry travels like a blind boss, stepping hi and often, and 
spends mostov her time in running into tilings, and the bal- 
lance in backing out agin. 

Dispatch iz ahvus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry 
iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, Hying ai-ound so 
fast in the bed, they keep their o^\^ler alwus dizzy. 

Hurry iz a good phellowtewphite bumble bees, wh.are, if yn 
hav ever so good a plan, yu kant make it work Aveil. 

Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in 
this world, wliile hurry haz been at work at the small ones, 
and haint got thru yet. 



HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE. 

FIND a girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right 
hiorht, with a blue eve. and dark-brown hair and white 
teeth. 

Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik. a 
firm disbeieaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same 
family. 

Look well tew the karakter ov her father ; see that he is 
not tlie member ov enny klub, don't bet on elekshuns, and 
gits shaved at least 3 times a week. 

Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov 
good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat 
mm ov her hum-made bread and apple dumplins, notiss 
whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don't fail tew observe 
\^-hether her dresses are last year's ones Hxt over. 

If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right 
kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dau- 
ter would make the right kind of a wife. 

After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done 
a r^azonable amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her 



loy: ii:\v p:k out a v.'ATi:i:::i:LLOX. 



S3 



he-AYt and liaiidj and if she refuses, yu kaii konsider yourself 
ouchercd. 

If on the contrary, she slionld say yes, git married at once, 
without any fnSvS and icathei-s, and proceed to take llie chances. 

I say take the 



'■H TO 



FOR /\;;/.^ 



^'^S 




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i' 


— ~~^^ 


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-iT^^^TTl* 


3 


**iil' ~7^^^^^''^4m 


/7 4fl".-.i / • "k^-1?//*^-^ 



chances, for tliare 
aint no res! pee for a 
}>erfekt. wife, enny 
morethan ihaix', \z for 
a ]xjrfekt husband. 

Thare iz just az 
menny good wifes 
02 thare iz good hus- 
bands, and i never 
knew two peo p 1 e , 
married or single, 
who were determin- 
ed tew make thein- 
self s agreeable to 
each other, but what 
tliey suckceeded. 

Name yure oldest f=^ 
Iwy sum good stout 
name, not after sum 

hero, but should the first boy be a girl, i ask it az a lavour to 
me that yu kaul her Eebekker. 

1 do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned, tuif girl names 
rev i veil and extended. 



^P 



i^^kP^ 



^^ 



/^^ 



now TEW PIK OUT A WATEKMELLOX. 

SUMTIME about the 20i.h ov August, more or less, when the 
moon iz entering her seckond quarter, and the cdd kitchen 
klock haz struk twelve midnite, git up and dres yureself, 
without making enuy noize, and leave the hous hi llie bak 
door, and step lightly akross the yard, out into th.e hivray, 
and turn tew yure right. 



84 ESSAYS. 

After going about liaff a mile, take your fust left hand 
road, and when yu cum tew a bridge, cross it, and go thru a 
pair OY bars on the right, walk about two hundred yards in a 
south-east direckshun. and yu will cum suddenly on a water- 
mellon patch. 

Pik out a o'ood, dark-colored one, with the skin a leetle 
ruffish •, be karef ul not to injure enny ov the A'ines by step- 
ping on them ; shoulder the watermellon, and retrace yure 
steps, walking about twice az fast az yu did Avhen yu cum 
out. 

Once in a while look over yure shoulder too see if the 
moon is all right. When yu reach hum, bury the water- 
mellon in the ha mow and slip into bed, just as tho nothing 
had happened. 

This is an old-fashioned, time-honored vray, tew pik out 
a good watermellon, just the way our fathers and grand- 
fathers did it. 

After yu hav et the watermellon tare up the resipee. 

I am not anxious tew hav this resipee preserved, but i dont 
want it forgotten. 

One watermellon during yure life is enuif to pik out in this 
way. 

X>ont do it but jist once, and then l)c kind ov sonw for it 
afterwards. 

Menny people will wonder and worry v\-hare the moral 
cums in, in this sketch, and it is hard tew tell ; but i will 
venture to say that thare aint a prominent moralist in Amerika 
but has picked out his watermellon by this resipee, sumtime 
during his life, and will tell vou that he remembers favour- 
ably the spirit ov adventure that promted the undertakmg, 
and never kan fori^it the sober sense ov shame that followed it. 



D 



HOW TEW pie: out a dog. 

OGS are gitting dredfui skase, and if yu dont pik one 
out putty soon, it will be forever too late. 



HOW TEVr PIK OUT A DOG. 85 

I liav vrritten during my vunger days, \Ylieu I knii a good 
deal more than i do now, or ever slial kno agin, an essa onto 
dogs, and in that essa i klaimed that the best kind ov a dog 
for all purposes for a man tew hav was a wodden dog. 

The experience ov years don't seem tew change mi opinyiin, 
and i now, az then, reckomend the wodden dog. 

Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden 
dog kan be made hily so, after enny pattern or desighn that 
a kultivated taste may suggest. 

If the wodden dog iz made with the bark on. so mutch the 
better ; for vre are toid bi thoze who studdy sich things that 
dogs which bark never bight. 

Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, 
like flesh and blood dogs do, and don't kost 5 or 10 dollars 
reward each time tew make them cum bak hum agin. 

'Wodden dogs don't hav the old hydroj^hobiskiousness ; 
neither are they running round, and round, and round, and 
round after them seh's, trieing tew ketch up with a wicked flea, 
who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at the dog's — 
eontinuashun. 

Thare ain't no better watch dog in the world than the 
wodden one. Yu set them tew watching enny thing, they 
will watch it for 3 years, and they aint la-azy, and want tew 
jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just happen tew 
hear a boy out in the streets whissling '*' YanJcee Doodle " or 
^•' Sally Cum TJpP 

Wodden do^^s won't stretch themselfs out in front ov the 
fire phice, taking up all the hot room, nor they won't fly at a 
harmless old beggar man, who only wants a knist, and tare 
him all tew little bits in a minnitt. 

If yu want tew pik out a good dog, pik out a woclden one, 
they range in price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar 
ackording tew the lumber in them, old age don't make them 
kross and useless, and if they do happen tew loze, a lied, or a 
leg, in simi scrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings glu, taken at 
night, jist before they retii*e will fetch them out all strait, in 
the morning. 



86 ESSAYS. 

now TEW PIK OUT A ICAT. 

THE hajxiest thing, in every day life, i;i tew pik out it 
good kat, not bekause kats are so skase, az Ixikanze they 
are so plenty. 

If thare want but 2 kats on earth, lliare wouldn't be no 
trouble, yu would ])ik one and the otiicr pliellow would pik 
one, and that would end the contest. 

To pik out a good kat, one that wiil tend tew bizznes^ and 
not astronofflize nights, nor praktiss 0]>eratik strains, iz an 
evidence ov genius. 

I don't luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have 
picked a kitten out ov a swill barrel l>efore now with a pair 
of tongs, just tew save life. 

Color iz no kntcrion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats 
ov all colors. 

Kats with blue eyes, and ver^- long whiskers, wilh the 
points ov their ears a leetlc rounded are not to bo tnisted 
they will steal yung chickens, and hook kream oph from the 
milk pans, every good chanse they kan git. 

Kats with gra eyes, ver)' short whiskers, and four white 
toes, are the best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen 
stove ail day, and be stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts,. 

Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharj) ])ointcd 
ears, are liabel tevv^ phitts. 

Picking out good kats haz alwus bin a mighty cluss tran- 
sackehun from the fust begining, the best way haz alwus hen 
tew take them without enny picking, jist az they cum, and 
let them gOj jist az they cum. 



LOST AETS. 

SUM ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hay 
writ essays on the "■ Lost Arts," and hav did comparatiftly 
well, but they hav overlooked several uv the missinjr artikles- 



LOST ARTS. 87 

whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly conlidensliall way) tew 
draw their attenshun to. 

•' Pumpkin PL^^ — This deUtesum work ov art t'^, (or rather 
v:as] a triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled 
"pinnpkin. 

It waz diskovercd during the old ov the moon, in the year 
1680, by Angelica, the notable wife ov Ilhelioboam Beecher, 
then residing in the rural town ov Xu Guilford, State of Connek- 
ticut, but since departed this life, aged Si years , 3 months, 6 
daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts. 

Peace tew her dust. 

This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, pro- 
ceeded into general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hun- 
dred years. 

In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst. 

This pi hain't bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin 
ofrered for its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticat, but 
it haz undoubtedly fled forever. 

Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loaf- 
ing around, but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is 
no more. 

*• Rum and Tanzy.'' — Good old Xu England rum with 
ranzy braized in it, waz known to our ancients, and drank by 
tlie deacons and the elders ov our churches, a centur)- airo. 

It iz now one ov the lost arts. 

A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out 
ov bed in the morning, then a hali a pint jist before sitting 
down tew breakfast, then thru the day, at stated inter\'als, a 
liaff a pint ov it, and sum more ov it just before retiring at 
nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew shake oph the yolie 
ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the majestik 
tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. 
But, alass ! oh, alass ! we once had spirits o\ just men made 
perfek, but we hav now, (o alass I) spirits ov the dam. 

One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a 
deacon in twenty minitts. 

Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in 



88 ESSAYS. 

yer, tliou Last gone ! yest, tlion hast gone tew that bourn from 
which no good spirits cnms back. 

"/l??/??^, reguiescat^ et liquor isshniis,^^ 
* vf -:f vt « * * * 

" Arly to heel, and arlij to rizey 

When our ancestors landed on Pllmoth Eok out ov the May- 
flower, and stood in front ov tlie grate hmskape spred out 
before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the 
buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with them, 
among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning and 
p^oino" tew bed at nite in decent seazon. 

This art they was az familiar to them, az codiish for brek- 
fast. 

They knu it bi heart. 

It Avaz the eleventh command in their katekism. 

They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maid, 
ens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about laming it 
he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz 
explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever 
and amen. 

I am Sony to say that this art iz now lost, or missing. 

What a loss waz here, my countrymen ! 

I pauze for a reply. 

[N'ot a Avord do I hear. 

Silence iz its epitaph. 

Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim — 
" Let her rip P 

Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past. 
or a thing that ain't cum — it certainly don't exist in theze 
parts now. 

It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot 
ov good things with it. 

This art will posilivel}- never be diskovered agin ; it waz 
the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children 
are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle. 

'' Honesty P — Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences. 

Learned w.qw Vv^ill tell you that the abuv asserslnm iz one 



HINTS TO COMIK LEKTUEEKS. 89 

ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and ver Lav a perfekt rite tew 
believe tliem, but i don't. 

Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never 
waz born Tritli a man enny more than the capacity to spell 
the word Xebuddl^enozzer right the first time waz. 

It took me seven years to master this word, and i and^'ocr 
TTebster both disagree about the right way now. 

Sum men are uatrally more addikted tew honesty than 
others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how 
tew hoist and lower the S notes, more completely than the 

next man. 

Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts — thai-e may be 
excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that 
*• excepshuns prove the rule." 

The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the 
time ver\' cluss, when honesty waz fust lost. 

When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, '* IVha're 
art thou Adam,- and afterwards explained hiz abscence by 
savins^. '* /, waz afraid,'' iz az far back az I hav bin able tew 
trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and uobel 
art. 

I shouldn't be suprized if this art never waz fidl^' recovered 
again during mi day. 

I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan 
manao^e tew worrs' alons: siunhow without it, but Avhat iz a 
o^oinc^ tew bekum ov the ^rate mass ov sufferino; humanitv { 

This iz a question that racks mi sunpathetick buzzum ! 



EIXTS TO COMIK LEKTUEEES. 

COMIIv lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do. 
It iz more unsartim^ than the rat ketcliinof bizzness az a 
means ov srrace, or az a means ov livelvhood. 

Most enny boddy thinks they kan do it, and this iz iist 
v.liat makes it so bothersum tew do. 



90 



ESSAYS. 



"When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terilick success, but when 
it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent. 

Thare aint but phew good judges ov Immor, and they all 
differ about it. 

If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz Hke a boss trying 
to trot backwai*ds, pretty apt tew trod on liimself. 

Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov 

a bobalink, or like a 
P"'^^^)-.^ ynng bird out ov its 
nest, when it iz feath- 
ered enuff to fly. 

Whenever a ni a n 
haz made uphiz mind 
that he iz a wit, then 
he iz mistaken witli- 
out remedy, but when- 
ever the publick haz 
made up their mind 
that he haz got the 
disease, then he haz 
got it sure. 

Individuals never 

git this thing right, 

the publik never git 

it wrong. 

coMiK LEKTURE. Tho publik uever 

cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory. 

Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, 

that is, by the publiks steelyards. 




Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its 



^ap 



and wit iz wisdom in ti2:lit harness. 

]S"o man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the 
brest ov wisdom. 

Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them wlio hav 
bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched u]) on a bottle. 

If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew tlie bulk 
ov hiz aujieiice, and w^ll often times hav tew take biz pay for 
liiz sei*\^ioes in tliinking so. 



lll.\i> 



COMIK LKKTURERS. 91 



Aliliofuniz deslgueil for the millyun, raid Ctliiks for the 
few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aiijienceshavtlieir 
bellwethers, people w]i<» sliovr the others the cra<3k wharethe 
joke dims laffing in. 

1 ha^' known popular aujences deprivetl ov all plezzure dnr- 
in^iz: tlie recital ov a coiuik lektur, just bekauze the right man, 
or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellov.- 
places. 

The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with 
what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately 
in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous pei- 
son tew git loose, and will do sum damage. 

It iz a veiy ])leazant bizzness tew make people laff, but 
thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what 
yu say, 

When a man laffs at yu^ he diu: it l>ecause it makes him feel 
superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have 
uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him. 

The only reazon whi a monkey ahvus kreates a scnsashun 
wliareever he goes, is simply bekauze — he is a monkey. 

Every boddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a 
comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes 
things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with liiz 
two behind leggs. 

Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so 
delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them. 

It is dredful arbitrary tev>- ask a man tew laff who don't feel 
tlie itch ov it. 

One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employ- 
ment that a man luiz tu do, iz tew try and make that large 
L-lass ov hiz aujience lafi" whom the Lord never intendt^l should 
laff. 

Thare iz sum wlio laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, 
but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ— if yu expect tew 
git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it. 

In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop 
sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the 



92 ESSAYS. 

aujience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they 
hav had, and if they wantenny more, it enables them to han- 
ker for it. 

I know it iz dredful tnii, when a man iz on one end ov a 
stick ov molasses kandy, tew cpit till he gits clean through ; 
but he musn't forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on 
molassiss kandy az he iz. 

I hav got a very lonesnm opinyun ov the comik leKtring 
bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knn hovr tew git 
an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and 
keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tomniorrow, and either 
trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to tlie proprie- 
tors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their paslmnts with. 

I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, 
but if they feel phull ov something, they kan't tell what, 
that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan't 
even saw wood without lafhng tew themselfs all the time, i 
suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had' 
better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur. 

But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when 
they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz 
uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the 
cackling. 

If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a 
comik critter, if i couldn't get it out ov liim enny other wa}', 
i -svould jine him to the Shakers, and make him weed onions 
for three years, just for fun. 



F ASHI0:N' — FUKY— FELLOW— FUK— FUSS— FLUN 
KY— FRETS— FITS— FIOTS. 



FASHION. 



FASHION is a goddess. 
She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender. 
Men worship her in her maskuline form — wimmin in her 
feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender. 



FASHION. 



93 



She rules the ^vorld Avith a straw, and makes all her sup* 
pliants. 

She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in 
sanktiiarys, pomps in 
cabins, and leers at 
the street korners. 

She fits man's foot 
with a pinching boot, 
throttles him with a 
stubborn collar, and 
dies his mustash with 
darkness. 

She trails the ritch 
silks OY wimmin 
along the filth}' side- 
walks, leads sore- 
eyed lap-dogs with a 
string, and banishes 
helpless children to 
murky nursery s, in 
the kare ov faithless 
hirelings. 

She cheats the 
excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him sers'e 
her in the habiliments ov the harlequin. 

Yea, A'erily. 




'U2:. 



Fun is the soul's vent. 

Fun iz whare the kruditys eskape, where she kiks up her 
heels, and runs snorting around the lot, unhaltered, and az 
eager az an eskaped konvikt. 

Fun iz a safety-^-alve that lets the steam preshure oph from 
the biler, and keeps things from bussting. 

Fun iz the dansing particles, which fli oph from the surface 
ov unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam 
in the clover, it iz the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew 



i>4 ESSAYS. 

the korner ov the parson's eye, to stand in the siinlite, and 
see wliat's s^^ino: on. 

Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az Jiappy az a I^ridegroom, and 
az silly az a luv-sik skool-crirl. 

Fun iz the holy day wisduiu ov the sage, tlie phools pliolly, 
and everyhoddys puppet. 

Next tew the virtew in this world, thefini in it iz v^'liat ^ye 
kan least spare. 

Truly ! O ! truly 1 

FRKI. 

Fret iz a kanker, a gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a 
sore plaee, a:id a s-iver everywhare. 

Fret iz frlcksliun, a dull lancet, a gimblet. 

Fret makes a yung man ackt like an old one, and an old 
man ackt like a yung one. 

Fret iz a grind stun, Avhare he holds h'v/ noze on, ha^: tew 
do hiz own turning. 

Fret haz burnt more holes thni a man's Icoppers that ali 
the other hot things, it haz killed az ofteu az the doktors 
hav, and iz az lawless, and senseless, az a goose. 

Fret makes the husband a tyrant, tlie M'ife a p'ague, tlie 
cliild a nuisance, an old maid terrible, and a bachelor disgust- 
ing. 

Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into thff gnms 
ov all life's misfortunes. 

I bet ! thou bet ! he, she, or it, lx;ts l^ 

FUKT. 

Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a 
a blak kloud phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a 
raaniak armed, a bull in Hi time. 

Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it 
wliizzes till it busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it iz 
but a senseless and burnt reed. 

Fury iz the argument ov tyrantSj and the revenge ov the 



FITS— FUSS. D5 

embecile, the coui-age ov the kat, and the glowing embers 
ov dispair. 

Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a 
laffing stok, it makes the eagle alhnoste human, and clothes the 
little wren, battling for her brood, with a halo sublime. 

Indeed ! indeed ! 

FITS. 

Fits are the moral tumblings ov man's natur, the bak sum- 
mersets ov hiz disposishun, the flying trapez ov the krittei 
himself. 

Fits prompt him tew klimb a greast pole, tew iite a wind 
mill at short range, to go too near a mule's heels, and to 
make a kussid phool ov himself generally. 

Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leiKieth him 
into bak lots. 

Fits hav no conshience, and no judgment. 

Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him 
krazy at noontime, they seize him at twilite, and twist him 
ar]y in the morning. 

Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fit^, and bad 
only ill fits, wiien they haint got a fit they are unfit for 
ennything. 

Yes, i think so. 

FUSS. 

Fuss iz like an old setting hen when she cums oph frorc 
her nest. 

Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease — it sputters, 
and sputters, and then sputters agin. 

Fuss iz haff-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do 
enny thing without gitling in their own way and stepping on 
tliemselfs. 

Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurr)', and 
tliare iz a thousand times more ov either ov them than thare 
iz OT dis])atch. 

I uss works hard all day, and don't do enny thing, goes to 



96 ESSAYd. 

bed tired at night, then gits up next morning, and begins 
agin whare she left oph. 
Oh, dear I whi iz this sntch. 

FELLOW. 

A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood six 
hours with the kork out, in a waiTa room — it ain't ginger. 
nor it ain't pop. 

A fellow iz a hybrid ; he hain't got enny more karakter 
than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy's cnzzin, and hangs 
iiroimd like a lost dog. 

He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A 
clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto. 

I am Sony for this — i am aktually sad. 

FLUXKEY. 

Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows. 

They ain't maskuline, feminine, nor nuter — they are just 
human dough. 

They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov 
a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bak- 
bone ov an ano:le\vorm. 

They are human dough made to order, and baked az vu 
choose. 

Ain't it orful ? 

FIXIS. 

Finis iz the end ov all things— the happ>^st place in the 
whole job. 

All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov 
but phew things now that hain t got two. 

A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to 
the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom. 

Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man 
in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the auto- 
krat ov the universe. 

Bulh^ for ATI, Finis. 



THE XU FOUXDLAKD AXD THE TxVRPaEK. 

DOGS are one ov tlie luxurys ov civilizashun. 
In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the 
necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole. 

Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, 
Tov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more ar- 
tisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the 
leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average. 

But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but 
as the companyun ov man, liiz pet, and hiz partner. 

TheXu foimdland dog iz a natifF ov the place whare the 
nobel kodiish iz kaught. 

He dontliv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the 
kodfish, livs on the land. 

Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am toM that 
thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Xu foundland, but 
what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonder- 
ful dogs. 

They are taken from Xu foundland to various parts ov the 
world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning 
from a watery grave. 

Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare 
aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutcli 
to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt. 

But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, 
and kan often be seen looking down into the wells, after 
drowning men. 



98 



ANIMATED XATUR. 



Tills shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force or 
bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job. 

I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel krit- 
ters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual 
rates. 

Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog 
than by a doktor. 

But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz siirn pholks 
so knssid sentimental that they had rather die than be dokter- 
ed bi ennything else than an old skool allopath. 

I am just phool enuiF, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint 
or deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Xu- 
foundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let 

him handle the case, 
rather than send four 
miles for a regular 
dokter. 

I may be all wrong 
in this, but if the dog 
hauled me out all 
right, I should hav 
time tew re2>ent ov 
mi blunder, and next 
time send for a phy- 
sician with a diploma. 
It iz never too late 
tew repent ov a blun- 
der, not if you hav 
got plenty ov time 
on hand that you 
don't kno what to 
do with. 

I never hav owned 
a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board 
one, without skrimpingmi family, i mean to buy one, or bor- 
ro one, just for hiz board. 

I don't know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav 




^'«KSWEDBYA,KEWF„u^ouKDB«G 



THE KAT TAIIIUEK. 0^ 

a grate illustrious Xufoundland clog tew follow yu iu a 
»nountaueou8 couutrj-. 

I liv at Pordunk (the home ov tlie Billings family) and 
Porduiilc iz not a wet place. 

Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the 
Aiiter priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage. 

Thare iz only one Xufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and I 
f hink the town would support two. 

I don't suppose i should hav v,'ork enufF tew keep one ov 
llieze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, 
hut in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i 
could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens. 

1 don't kno ov enny thing better tew keep the augleworms, 
and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown 
Xufoundland pup. 

It iz nothing but plum t«w giv them a kalf-skin boot, and 
tuiti them out into anu-made garden, and see them kick up 
their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot. 

I am almostekrazy tew hav a Xufoundland dog. 

THE KAT TAREIER. 

Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natifFs ov 
the ile ov Grate Erittain. 

They are born there with grate precision and purity ov kiir- 
akter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen's, and as free from 
spots az a nu tin dipper. 

A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a da}', with a rust on 
his pedigree, ain't worth only haff az mutch in market az one 
with a pure set ov ansestore, who couldn't ketch only 43 rats. 

It iz hard work for akussed phool tew see this, but it takes 
edukasliun tew see theze things. 

A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear 
tiiglit and count the moon, and he won't see enny tiling but 
a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel. 

But you let an edukatedman stan out there by his side, and 
lie kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshun*. 



100 ANIMATED XATUR. 

and wimmiii's rites convensliiins, and municipal rings, and 
koporashun tliieving in it. 

Edukashun iz bully. 

The rat terrier iz not so mutcli dog, az a personal matter, az 
the Xufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch. 

Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a 
shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them 
than an hanakonda haz. Xatur bosses these jobs, and natur 
never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did 
like natur for, she don't take the trouble tew explain. She don't 
object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, 
but if enny boddy asks her win a frog kan jump further at 
one highst than a tud kan, she tells the pheliow (if she tells 
him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew 
looze his munny. 

I never havhad the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, 
in fakt i hav alius been poor, and haven't been beiorehanded 
enuff yet tew own a dog. 

I mean sum time tevr hav a rat tarrier, and tlien I suppoze, 
to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the 
way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another 
one necessary. Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a 
Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be thorobred. 
I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their mother-in- 
law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a Hi 
epck, the dog wont sute me. 

I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss. 



THE mone:ey. 

THE monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered 
with hair, hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil. 
Xaturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mista- 
ken, that i mean well enuif, and don't mean tew deceive enny- 
body, but the monkey iz not a human being, he iz simply a 



1 



THE MOXIOrLY. 101 

pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter s, a libel, 
with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mis- 
chief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or con- 
nekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast 
in his darkness. 

I hav a hi opinvnn ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the 
dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we 
/neet, and i respect them for what they know, but don't wor- 
ship them for what they don't know, as the heathens do, their 
wodden gods. 

I don't kare what the philosophers say: they kan , prove in 
this matter, i tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that 
you and the monkey, are relashunS; , . • ,• , , 

I don't pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, 
but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind 
ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim 
az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, 
are our relashuns, for a certain amount. 

The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz 
instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the 
monkey don't show a single glimmering ov reason, i say he 
must step oph from the monkey's tail, and let him eat at tlie 
fust table. 

The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imita- 
ehun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz 
fallow ground within the domain of reazon. 

Instinkt don't step one single step aside, tew smell ov a 
flower or pull a cat's tail. 

But argument ain't mi lighting weight, i git along the best 
by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov 
four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more 
than i kan prove what melody iz. 

The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav 
mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew 
me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az 
distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty 
stummuk ; it may be all v>i'ong but it never iz viscious, and 
thus i konklude it iz edukashun. 



102 ANIMATED NATUK. 

Now i don't advice ennvlxidy che tew depend for theii 
learning upon sicli ])rekarious school inastei*s, the best way h 
tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town ju^t az it did ynre 
daddy. 

The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometiines, it 
haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, 
tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize 
sood white beans on a landskape. 

Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the 
eubburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus 
think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, 
and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i 
will disn^r.mt from the lurkey, and git aboard the monkey, 
Uhe monkey az he am) once more. 

Pure de^'iltry iz the monkeys right bower ; he iz only val- 
uable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what 
he iz a going tew do next. 

He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, lie will 
lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mnstash, put 
him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than 
the l>est retail clerk in A. T. Stewart's employ. 

The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch 
like a pin bed, all in a heap to oust, but hiz face is a concen- 
trated dew drop of malishus mischief. 

He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratche^ 
hiz bed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for 
the same reason. 

Monkeys never grow enny older incxpreshun, a yung mon- 
key looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again. 
They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watcli 
two adopted orphan boys, f re^h from the Home uf the Friend- 
le^^ than two monkeys. 

They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony 
sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason. 

But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov rea- 
Z011, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the ma:it useless 
kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi lumd about 



THE PISSiURE. lOS 

They won't -work, and they won't play, unless they kan 
raize eiim devil, they are too mutch like a human being in 
looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one 
and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laiF at their smirk- 
ing santanity, without getting mad at yureself. 

If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i 
don't know now, whether i should konsider it intended for 
malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back 
bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked 
in loud italicks— (7. 0. D, 

In conklusion ; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate 
supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that 
iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, witli the 
rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell ; — 
was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the 
devil az he is now? 

An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited. 



THE PISSMIPwE. 



THE pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual 
meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs. 

They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, 
but Avhat it iz, the Lord only knows. 

I never see apissmire yet that wasn't on the travel, but i 
hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the 
place they started for. 

Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, 
they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockaeliun. 

Thar iz a grate difference between hurr)" and dispatch, but 
pissmires dont seem to understand the difference. 

If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for 
i dont know ov enny thing more unpleasant to view, than an 
aktive loafer. 

A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a 
Binoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less com 
mon sense thare seems tew be in it. 



104 



ANIMATED NATUK. 



If pissmires liaint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill the/ 
wear out more shu leather than thare iz enny religion in. 



THE POLE KAT. 



the: 



11 /FY friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly ? 
.jX I guess not, they are a kritter who won't hear examining 
with a microskope. 

They are hutiful beings, hut oh ! how deceptive. 
Their habits are phew, but imique. 

They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but 
one door tew thein, and that iz a front door. 

When they enter their houses they don't shut the door after 
them. 

They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew 

kill them with a klub, 
*y^^'C AT but witli a pole, and 
the longer tlie pole 
the more convenient. 
Writers on natural 
history, dissagree 
about the right length 
ov the pole tew be 
used, but i would sug- 
gest, that the pole be 
about 365 feet, espesh- 
ily if the wind iz in 
favor ov the pole kat. 
When a pole kat 
iz suddenly walloped 
with a long pole, the 
fust thing he, she, or 
it duz, iz tew embalm 
the air, for m e n n y 
•miles in diameter, with an akrimonious olifaktory refreshment, 
M'hich permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely oi-iginal 
smell 




THE WEAZEL. 105 

This smell iz less popular, in the fasljionable world, than 
lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled 
up like musk, and sold for ST 1-2 cents per bottle ; bottles 
small at that. 

A pole kat will remove the tilling from aliens egg, without 
braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea. 

How this iz did historians hav left- us to doubt. 

This iz vulgarily called '' surking eggs." 

This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it 
iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats. 

Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung 
goslins. 

They won't tutoii an old goose, they are sound on that 
question. 

Man iz the only phellovr who will attempt tew bight into an 
old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he 
loosens enny ov the meat. 

A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skun/c^ 
Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, 
and this iz one ov them. 

I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into 
a trap than tew git out ov it. 

In taking tkem out ov a trap grate judgment must be had 
not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up tliemore 
ambrosial they am. 

One pole kat in a township is enufF, espesliily if the wind 
chancres once in a while. 

o 

A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz 
skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew sldn 
him. 

This iz one way tevr make 12 shillings in a wet day. 



THE WEAZEL. 

THE weazel liaz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pick* 
erel. 
They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle 
board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leatlier. 



106 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They aiwus sleep with one eye open, and the othjer on the 
wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted 
match. 

It iz no disgi-ace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a wea- 
zel and miss him. 

If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day fot 
50 cents a clap. 

I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, hut 
they would dodge the hall, when it got within six inches ov 
them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet 
further oph. 

They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew 
ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep hha 
thare, eniiy more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a 
knot hole. 

Weazles are skarse, hut the supply alwus equals the demand, 
they aiiit useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill 
chickens. 

They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the 
hlood with them, leaving the corpse hehind. 

I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), 
and knu just v.^hare he waz all tlie the time, and hain't got 
him yet. 

I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes 
yet. 

Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite 
and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from 
breaking up the distrikt skool. 

The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn't, and idid 
it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle. 

A weazle's skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the 
quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure 
thing ; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle. 

I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the 
way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I 
prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow, 

I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a. 
boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are. 



ANGLE WORMS. l')7 

Weazlcs h&v got no wisduin, but hav got what iz sum times 
mistaken for it, they hav got cunning. 

Ounnino' stancb in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tad- 
pole duz tew a frog, lie may git tew be a frog if he keeps on 
growing, but he aint one now. 

Wiednm knows how tew jump, but about the best thing 
tliat cunning can do iz tew wiggle. 

I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i 
uever saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning. 



ANGLE WORMS 



ARE ov arth, arthy, aiid crawl for a living. They liv in 
ritch ground ; ground that won't raize angle-worms won't 
raize enny thing else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz 
sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, 
yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arthmore 
miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved 
angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and 
handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They 
don't take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew 
childen az a piece ov red tape. 

It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on 
the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don't 
beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only relia- 
ble heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet. 

When lieing gits into a man's blood, the only way tew git 
it out, iz tew drain him dry. 

Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish 
with ; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy {e^v 
take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log 
and fished fordaice all daylong Sunday in a mill pond. 

Old fishennen alwus csLvry their worms in their mouth. 

Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like agi.)> 



lOS ANIMATED NATLU. 

let, and are diffrent fruiii rail other creeps that I kno ov, for 
they alwiis back into their holes. 
Here the natral angle worm ends. 



THE MOUSE. 

EYEH since natur ^vaz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew 
fill. 

Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thor- 
oughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers 
like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream 
pretty without one ov these little teachers. 

Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend vrith the job ov 
gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn't trapped suck- 
cessfully for a mouse. 

Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every 
man duz. 

Mice are the epitome of shrewdness ; their faces beam with 
sharp praktiss ; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their 
little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny. 

They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. i should be 
afrade tew buy a house that hadn't a mouse-hole in it. 

I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, 
like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, 
and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the 
niglit, takes the death out ov silence. 

Mice alwusmove into a new house fust, and are there reddy 
tew receive and welkum the rest ov the family. 

They are more ornamental than useful, ackordingto the best 
informashun we hav az yet ; but this iz the case with most 
things. 

Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a 
time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits 
07 rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them. 



THE -MOUSE. 109 

Wlien they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs 
duz : each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it 
is seldiim that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that 
understand their bizzness more thoroughly. 

I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that 
everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a check- 
er-board. 

AYhen mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just 
the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust 
sight tew be a grate waste ov tail. 

The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew 
ends, might be a bigg phool enutf tew want to know whi a bob- 
tailed mouse wouldn't be a better finished job ; but philosophy 
iiaz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must 
take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or 
shut up. 

If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav 
thought it would be jist as well for naturbekause a man, if he 
kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse's tale 
iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a 
failure. 

Sutch iz man ; but a mouse iz a mouse. 

The mouse kan live enny whare tew advantage, except in a 
church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tow 
show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minis- 
ter kan. Eeligion iz excellent for digestion. 

Thare aint a more proliiick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i 
mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are 
better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm w4th, and 
are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on 
the run. 

One mouse will edukate a parcell ovyung ones more in ten 
minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov 
their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik. 

Now thare iz many folks who kant see ennything to write 
about in a mouse ; but mice are full ov infonuashun. The only 
way that edukashun was fust diskovered waz bi going te^? 



110 ANIMATED NATUR. 

school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are 
only natur in tipe. 

A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter ; but 
k.ui they prove it ( 

I am willing to give an opinyuu that too menny mice might 
aot pay ; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side- 
Avheel steambotes. 

A mouse's tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz an- 
other thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to 
explain it unless i am paid for it. 

I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuze- 
papers that i never got a cent for. 

There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snugaz a 
mouse will, Yn would think they waz made on purpose for it, 
and they will fill it quicker, too, than enny thing i ever saw. 
If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn't wink. If 
do, yu will hav tew wait till next time. 

I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us. 

Rats i dont luv. Thev lack refinement. 



THE TALLER DOG. 



DOGS hav infested this world just about az long az man 
haz, and will hang aix)und it, az long az tliare is enny 
giizzle left on a bone. 

We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and pi-obably 
sliant hav ov the final one. 

If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav 
washed away the fakt. 

If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz 
vessell, and only one pair ov fieas, he waz well ont for dogs, 
and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb ou this subjekt. 

Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or 
followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the 
-chirp ov the fust reliable cricket. 



THE YALLER BOG. 



ill 



c;randfat}iers into the haroraiii. 



We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and 
mennv wonder at hiz exti^avegance, but Esaw diskovered arlj, 
what menny a raan haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work 
tew live on a pedigree. 

If i waz starving, I wouldn't hesitate tew swap oph all the 
pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of Dot- 
tage, and throw two 

But I don-t in- 
tend this essa for 
dogs in the lump, 
but for the individ- 
ual yellar dog him- 
self. 

The yellar dog 
hs-z no pedigree, 
the blood in hiz 
veins iz az krude 
az petroleum, when 
it fust cums pump- 
i n g out ov the 
earth, bitter, thick, 
and fiery. 

He iz long, and 
hizilyput together, 
hiz ears flop when 
!.e shacks along the dr sty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden 

Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog's tail, it iz useless, 
the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a In Der cent 
mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy. 

"Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskou.nted, iz a mistery tew 
me, but when i ask miself, " Whare would yu hitch the tin 
pan to," then at once the folly ov a bob taile.J yeller dog, 
flashes on mi mind. 

Ever since this kontinent waz found hi Christopher Colum- 
bus, in 1492, and for what i kno, nmch time previous tew that, 




112 AjS^IMATED natur, 

the Yeller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, 
and hungry bi natur. 

Whare he cums from noboddv seems to know, and if yu 
speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, 
and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicious. 
and sideways, on his lonesum jurney. 

Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made 
uj) ov starvashun, and brickbats. 

If he cmns out ov hiz lurking place m the hot ov august, 
he iz a '-^ mad dog^^ and the common council at once assemble, 
tlie riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, men cum pant- 
ing into town, crieing '^raad dog^^ their two horse waggon 
waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fnry rages, old guns 
are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, 
dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and 
defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, 
pigs run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy 
politik surges with horror. 

The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a 
whole village iz in the extacys ov liydrophobia he has i^assed 
on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subburbs, at the 
shin bone ov a departed omnibus boss. 

The 3'eller dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz 
the darkey. 

A common misfortune links them to<?ether. 

'Why iz it, that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vaga- 
bonds on the face ov the earth \ 

Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts. 

A day ov reckoning will cmn, a day ov judgment, and i 
kant tell but what the yeller dog will be tliare, a mute wit- 
ness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved. 

This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will 
az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns. 

I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi man- 
hood, if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all 
the yeller dogs tliare iz now on tlie buzzum ov the earth, and 
make them respekted and happy. 



EOOSTERS. ^ 113 

But i Laint got the money, nor never shall hav, but azlong 
az i hav strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in 
mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i 
dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov 
caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading 
oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, 
yelping, yeller dog. 

Teller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, 
and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old 
tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anx- 
ious tew know what the line ov defence will be. 



EOOSTEES. 

THAEE is not on the whole horizon or ov live iiatur a 
more pleazing and strengthening stiiddy than the Booster. 
This remarkable package of feathers has bin for ages food for 
philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They 
belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry, and are 
the husbands of menny v>'ives. In Utah it is konsidered a 
disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham 
Young's coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till 
he is almost bent over double backwards. 

The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the 
hen ; it is hard tew distinguish the difl'rence espeshily in yure 
soup. Boosters are the pugilists amung the domestik burds ; 
they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, 
they strike from the heel. 

Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun 
remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come sud- 
denly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time when he want 
prepared tew see company, and waz, for that ofiense, rebuilt 
over into the fust rooster, and Avaz forever afterward destined to 
crow, as a kind ov warning. Tliis change from a man akounts 
for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew the 



114 ANIMATED NATUR. 

hens. Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires 
more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, 
and it iz jiss so with a hen. When a rooster gits licked, the 
hens all march oph with the otlier rooster, if he ain't haff so 
big or handsome. 

It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman. 

Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree amung the rooster 
race, but for stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique 
rooster, short-legged, and when they walk, they alwus strut, 
and their buzzuras stick out, like an alderman's abdominal 
cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a crooked 
tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az fall ov feathers as a 
new duster. 

But when you come right down to grit, and throw all out 
side influences overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, noi- 
under it, that kan out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a 
regular Bantam rooster. 

They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing 
before a looking-glass. 

They don't weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az 
mutch fuss az a ton, i have seen them tricing tew pik a quar- 
i-el with a two boss waggon, and don't think they would hes- 
itate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz the least bit sassy 
tew them. 

It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers 
crow, it iz like a four-year old baby trieing tew sing a line 
out ov the Star Spangled Banner. 

Tlie hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little 
boquet ov neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. 
They are az prim az a premature yung lady. It is a luxury 
to watch their daintyness, tew see them lay each feather with 
their bills, in its place, and preside over themselfs with az 
mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror. 

But the consumation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading 
out six little chicks a bugging ; six little chicks no bigger than 
bnmbelbees. 

It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing 



THE FOX. 115 

outrageous in evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends 
and impropriety begins. Tliis iz uielandiolly. the case in the 
rooster affair, for we hay the shanghi rooster, the gratest out- 
rao^j in mi opiuyun, ever committed in the annals ov poultry. 

Theze kritters are the camels araung fowls, they raop^ 
around the barnyard, tipping over the hsLj racks and stepping 
on the yung goslins, and evry now and then they crow coo- 
fusion. 

If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should 
baiter him, and keep him in a box stall, and feed him on 
cut ieed^ and if he would work kind in harness, all riglit, if 
not, i would buteher him the fust wet day that cum, and salt 
him down tew give tew the poor. 

But thare ain't noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this 
breed, knot if i know it, i don't think thare iz a man on earth 
mean enuff to do it. 

Roosters do but very little household work, they wont lay 
enny eggs, nor try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the ynTig 
one^ ; this satisf ys me that thare is sum truth in the mytholo- 
gikal ackount ov the roosters fust origin. 

Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a ynng 
one, they spend their time in crowing, strutting, and occas- 
sionly find a woiTn, which they make a remarkabell fuss over, 
calling up their wifes from a distance, apparently tew treat 
them, but just az the hens git thare, this elegant and eUbo- 
rate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morgeL 

tlu8t like a man far all the world. 



THE FOX. 

OF all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains,. 
thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many 
good hits as the fox. 

His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion- s strength, 
biz loorick iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf. 



116 ANIMATED XATUR. 

and hiz politeness and defierence makes him the fop and gen- 
tleman ov the forest. 

The fox is a literary cuss ; he haz been the hero ov history, 
fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written ]j:nowi- 
ed^e. He waz a genius long before ackedemick honors 
flourished ; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov 
Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he is the Ben 
Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony. 

The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty 
dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth 
more than ten shillings. He loUers no regular bizzness for 
sustenance, but livs on the chances and on- hiz wit. 

He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too 
mutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve 
ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. 
They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tounge, and find them- 
selfs at rest in his stummuk. 

He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas 
rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out 
ov his way to be poHte to a duck or a goslin. 

But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning ; he alwas 
pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal of tener than he 
loses. 

Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit ; they never do a 
thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind 
before they do a thing once. This is the eflect of too mutch 
genius. 

There iz this diflference between genius and common sense 
in a fox : Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but 
circumstances iz governed by genius. 

The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate sup- 
ply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants 
a phatt goose, he will work hard and get the goose for him, 
and then clean the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the 
goose for pettyfogging the case, and giv him the bones, and 
tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his 
eye, that "everything is lovely and the goose hangs high." 



THE FOX. 



11' 



Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git 
geese for each other, and if animals don't want their piety 
tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. 
The fox is tew mutch ov a poilytician to invest his religion 
in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that scsiety haz 
claims on him, and 
are indebted tew him 
for siiin goose, and ex- 
pekt to be for several 
more. This iz a nobel 
trait in the fox, and 
shows that he aint a 
child ov ingratitude. 
Foxes ciun out ov tlie 
ground, but whether 
they are made out ov 
dirt i kant sware with 
much certainty. They 
cum out ov the ground 
through the instrumen- 
tality ov a hole, but 
whether the hole begins 
at the surface and runs 
into the mountain, or 
whether it begins in the 
mountain and runs tew the surface, don't make a kussid bit 
ov difference. 

But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for 
years. Sum ov them say it runs in, and sum ov them be 
darned if it duz ; and right here we can see the amazing dif- 
ference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick 
ov the fox. V/hile they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the 
hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins. 

Foxes are like cunning men — they hav but few brains, and 
bnt a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hav 
got are like angle worms in hot water — ^full ov anxiety and 
mizery. 




A SLY FOX THE 3I0KE YOU FCT DOWN THE 

LESS YOU TAKE UP. 



118 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Cunning is a branding iron ; the letters on it are small, but 
alwns red-hot» and they read thus — Look out for the fox. 



A YAEN.— THE AUXT, AITD THE GKASSHOPPEE. 

Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years 
ago, in the old ov the moon, during a veny dry spell ov 
weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, 
crhile venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost 
awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, 
and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the 
front door ov an aunt hil\, superintendin a phatt kumell ov 
wheat, which the ynng aunts were trieingtew git down cellar, 
into their house. 

Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, 
and singing,'' Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.'' — 
and spieing the old ant, gi^dng orders tew the yung aunts, he 
stopt tew hav a talk with her. 

" Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning ! " sed 
the grassbug. "A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling 
in!" 

" Hav y u heard the grate news ? 

"Dredfull sharp frost last night ! 

"Winter will soon set in, i reckon! 

" I herd the owls hute last nite ! 

''Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday! 

"When dew yu think specie payments will betook up? 

" Tliare ! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match I 

" How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village ? 

"Enny sickness amungst them? 

" I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the 
pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher 
wages ? 

" Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the 
peace ? 



A YARN.— THE AUNT AND THE GRASSHOPPER 119 

''What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it 
make rum enny skarser ? 

'• Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he 
iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace 
ov bar sope, for sum beeswax. 
' " The world iz git ting more full ov wussness every- day ! 

'- 1 wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, 
about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and tlien 
sum ov hiz dets I 

*' Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days ? 

" I should really like tew kuo how they are gitting along • 
rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don't think they will 
winter, do yu? 

'* When duz the moon change now days ? 

" Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan rec^ 
komend ? 

" Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer 
klaims ? 

'•I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met 
one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions 
at him he was out ov sight I 

" Sum folks are alwus in sich a swotting hurry I 

*' Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their 
webs in the grass ? 

'* How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up ; yu must 
hav sum tew spare ? 

*• I vronder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow i 

'* They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, 
owing to its peculiar mutchness ; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether 
this iz so or not, i wish yu could ! 

" Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, 
will see buckwheat a bigg crop I 

'*' I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sher- 
man's lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good 
deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin ! 

" Well ! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a 
jumping match between Springsteel, and Steel spring, two ynn<' 
grasshoppers ; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon. 



120 ANBIATED NATUR, 

" I must be a going ! 

" T am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a 
good visit. 

" By the way ! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound 
sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn't hav it known bi 
ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it 
would ruin me !" 

" Then keep the sekret yureself," spoke the ant, '' it iz 
worth more to yu than ennyboddy else." 

This iz eyery word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye 
ail the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing 
grasshopper moved off, whistling '* Sally cum up." 

KE^IARKS. 

This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time 
with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yuyg credulity 
with an idle sekret. 



A EEK 

A HEX is a dam phool, they was bom so bi natur. 
When natur imdertakes tew make a phool, she hits the 

mark the fust time. 

Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth 
more to them than reason would be, for instinkt don t make 
enny blunders. 

If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ndildlus 
as we men folks do. 

But a hen don't seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made 
expressly for a phool. 

I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 
15th ov Januar)^ when' the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on 
the top ov a stmi wall, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew 

detli. 

Xoboddy but a dam phool would do this, unless it was tew 

save a bet. 



A HEN. 121 

I hav saw a Imman being do similar things, but they did it 
tevr win a bet. 

To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashim, is 
the fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and lie is the best 
judge ov law now living. 

If i couldn't be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit 
tew be Blakstone, and compoze sum law. 

Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, '• no 
yung snob shall walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath daj, 
;md twitch hiz hat oph more than two times, on each block, 
to persons on the opposite side ov the street, whom he dont 
kno, and who dont know him. 

I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy 
ov it to all the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city. 

This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity. 

But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a 
darn phool. 

1 like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their 
destiny than enn^'boddy i kno ov. 

They don't never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew 
bizzness. 

The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay 
eggs, and when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained 
tew set still on them, until they are born, this iz the way 
yung hens fust see life. 

The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 30 
eggs, but i hav seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens. 
' iWien a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting 
lier, the party looks like a swarm ov bumble bees. 

Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white 
stuns, under this same hen, and she will set thare till she 
hatches out the stones. 

I hav seen them do this too — i dont wish tew say, that i 
hav seen them hatch out the stones, but i hav seen them set 
on the stones, untill i left that naberhood, which waz two 
years ago, and i dont hesitate tew say, the hen iz still at 
work, on that same job. 



123 ANIMATED NATUS. 

Noboddy but a pbool would stik tew bizzness az cluss sa 
fchiB. 

Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die, 

JN^ow I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, 
kan commense life, with the usual kapital, and live 999 years. 

This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been 
informed correktly. 

I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a spec 
iality) laid, cackled, and sot a long time before Methuselei 
did. 

After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i 
aiiake myself fluently understood yet. 

I dont undert-ake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, caclded, 
and sot, what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were 
here, and doing bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz. 

Kow 1 hav got it. 

Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, 
they don't cackle mutch untill after they have laid their egg. 

Sum pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they 
are going tew do before-hand. 

A hen will set on one egg "just az honest az she will set an 
36 eggs, but a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight 
tew me. 

I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles 
them waiting on them, and tlien it tires out the old hen, more 
than 36 chickens would. 

I think this rule works both ways, among poultry-, and 
among other pholks 

I have seen a hen set on 36 duck egg^, and hatch the whok 
ov them out. and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the 
garden. 

But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the 
ground, it iz better composed for skratching in the water. 

When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melan- 
kolly, and hart brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the 
brim ov the mil pond, and wring her hands, and holler tew 
the ducks, tew come right strate out ov that water, or tliev 
will all irit drowned. 



A HEK, 



123 



1 liave Steal this did too, but i never see the ducks coma 
out till they got reddj, nor never see a young duck git 
drowned. 

Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch 
water az a sponge will. 

One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshilj 

nu beginner, but tiiere iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, 
vt'ho claim they ought 
tew lay two. 

This needs more 
te^jtimony. 

Az an artikle ov 
diet, thare is but 
phew things that sur- 
pass cooked hen, if 
eaten in the days ov 
their youth and inno- 
sense, but after they 
git old, and kross, 
they kontrakt a hab- 
it ov eating tuff. 



After thinking the 
tiling over, and ov^r, 
and over, 1 am still 
prepared tew say, 
that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kau fix it. 

I don't speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only 
shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny 

Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won't git tew be 
worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one 
or the luxurys ov life. 

Thare iz grate profht, and sum lobs, in r;izeing chickens, 
the lo6S iz tlie heavyest when sum boddy brakes^ into the 
chicken coop, and steals all the chickens. 

Tliare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the 
old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering. 




124 ANIMATED NATUR. 

After they liav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, 
and kan outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu 
come tew scratching np a garden, they are wuth two ov enny 
other kind. 

I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew 
see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest 
and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden. 

I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing miglit not look 
so phunny tew me, but ja see, I dont own enny garden. 

I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men 
who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered 
if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the 
skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who 
own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and 



THE GOTE. 

THE gote iz a koarse wollen sheep. 
They hav a split hoof and a whole tail. 

They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion. 

They swallo what they eat, and will eat enny thing they kan 
bite. 

Their moral karakters are not pohshed, they had rather steal 
a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly 
bi a pek ov oats. 

The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and 
i\ raustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naber- 
hood. 

A m.askuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down 
to hiz shadder on a ded wall. 

They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and 
are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed. 

They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov 
assifidity. 



THE GOTE. 125 

They arc faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long 
az he livs in a shanty. 

They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the 
way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine. 

They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys 
are haff gotes, and the other haff children. They are good 
eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git 
stronger. 

They are alwus poor in theboddy, but phatt in the stumick, 
what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well 
agree tew phatt an injun-nibber over shew bi filling it with 
klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the out- 
side bust ov a gote. 

A phatt gote would be a literaiy curiosity. 

They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones 
speak the language more fluently than the parients do. 

Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko 
— one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands 
it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all. 

The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philoso- 
phy looking old cuss, and wouldn't make a bad proffessor ov 
arithmetik in sum ov our colleges. 

They are handy at living a long tim^e, reaching an advanced 
age without arriving at enny definite konklusion. 

How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man 
now old enuff tew tell. 

Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv 
a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, 
Methuzeler aint here. 

Gotes will liv in enny kliraate, and on enny vittles, except 
tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a pro- 
found sekret, in the hands of a few, to this da3\ 

I wouldn't like tew beleave enny man under oath who had 
ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so. 

Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if 
a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav 
one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun 
bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into. 



126 ANIMATED KATUR. 

The f email gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov 
the male gote, ackording tew tlie prevailing circumstansis in 
the ca^e, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch. 

They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, 
in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in vari- 
ous ways. 

This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz 
excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them 
bellyco&e, and fightful. 

It iz not nnkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pug- 
nashus fluid, to let oph hiz left coUeckshun or diggit and ketch 
the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret. 

This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the 
reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant 
hita. 

In writing the history ov the male and female gote tow 
adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck 
tew the truth, and haven't allowed mi imaginashun tew boss 
the job. 

A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mis- 
take opinynns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, 
but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one 
thing, i stay with them. — Finis. 



GOOSE TALK. 

THIE goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud. 
They are good livers ; about one aker to a goose iz 
ennflT, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 
akers, iz nearer right. 

These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew 
tell now, which will flnally win. 



GOOSE TALK 



127 



But i don t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akei-s, awl paid 
for, that i wonld sell it for half what it was woi-th, just be- 
kauze it didn't hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well ; sum 
OY our best biographers say, TO years, and grow tuff tew the 
iast. 

They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg 
in which the gosling 



lies hidd. 




The 


gosling 


iz the 


goose's 


babe. 




The 


goose 


don't 




suckle hiz young, but 
turns him out tew pas- 
ture on sumboddy'*s 
vacant lot. 

They seem tew lack 
wisdum, but are con- 
t«idered generally sound 
on the goose. 

They are good eat- 
ing, but not good chaw- 
ing; the reason ovthis 
remains a profound se- 
kret to this day. 

Wiien the f email 
goose iz at work hatch- 
ing, she iz a hard bird tew please ; she riles clear np from the 
bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they 
show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for 
feathers, which she sheds ever}^ year by the handful. 

They are also ampbibicuss, besides several other kinds ov 
cuss. 

But they are mostly cureiss about one thing : they kan 
haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, 
and not tntch ennything with their hands. 

i take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this. 



GOOSE IlLK. 



128 ANIMATED NATUR. 

''THE CLAM." 

THE clam iz a biin)ous plant, and resides on the under side 
ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't 
cnm out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a 
young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this 
akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with liiz mouth, for 
sumthin tew cum along. 

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must 
hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. 

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they 
sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand 
on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very 
talky ; they hav got an impediment in their noize ; their lips 
open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov 
tongue tew be glib. 

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being 
caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan 
tell theraselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share 
ov this time iz wasted ; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only 
tew grow tuff in ; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov 



SKAILS, SXAIKS, AXD BABYS. 

THE slowest gaited anunal on the face ov the earth iz the 
snail. 

They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, 
when they go away from home. 

Snails are sed tew be dehkate eating, but if i kan hav all 
the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any 
snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, 
but i don't kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed 
tew be bliss, and i hav often thought tliat it waz, and if i 
don't never kno how snails taste, i don't think now i fihal] 
repent ov it. 



STRIPED SNAKE. 



129 



It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in 
mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail 
or hiz ehell, but if i don't know even this, i don't mean tew 
git m a d a b o u t i t. 

Ihavgrate , vooS 

phaith in ennj job 
that natur turns out, 
and i had rather hav 
phaith than knowl- 
edge, it saves a grate 
deal ov hard work. 
It costs a grate deal 
to kno all about 
things, and then vu 
ain't certain, but 
phaith iz cheap, and 
don't make enny 
blunders. 

Science iz smart, 
but she kant tell yu 
what makes the 
fiowers blush so 
menny different col- 
ors, but phaith can. 
phaith iz a giant. 




Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but 



STRIPED SXAKE. 

The striped snake iz one ov the slipperjest jobs that natur 
ever turned loose. 

They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip 
out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for 
sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, 
unless it waz tew hav their beds smashed. 

They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad repu- 
tashun, and all the innocence in the world won't kure a bad 
reputashun. 

They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they 
don t stay long enuff in the right place. 
9t 



130 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Whea i waz a little boj, and woi-e naked feet, and waz losd- 
ing aronnd loose for strawberries, i waz often times just a go^ 
ing tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov 
strawbenys. 

If a stnped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwns 
kcnsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew 
the snaik. 

" Fust eum, fust sarve," was mi motto. 

I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and 
if i should lir tew be az old az Xebudkennezer waz, and go t^w 
grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good 
pasture for me. 

Wimmin don't luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt 
her for this. 

How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class 
mistery tew me, and if i hadn't read it in the bible, i would 
bet aginst it, 

I be leave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant 
understand, I beleave the most. 

I w^ouldn't swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living 
man's knoweledge. 

Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and. the smaller they are, 
the more i am afrade ov them. 

I wouldn't buy a farm at half price that had a stnped snaik 
on it. 

Ded snaik are a weakness with me ; i always respekt them, 
and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on 
him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter 
his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just 
az much stz a kat duz. 

I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hatemg tew die 
so bad, unle^ it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for 
deth. 

BABT8. 

Babjs i Im.v with all mi heart ; they are mi sweetmeats, they 
warm mf md blood like a gin sling, they Ivrawl into me and 



BABYS. 131 

nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove. 

I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about. 

I hav got grandchildren, and they are wnss than the fofit 
krop tew riot amung the feelings. 

If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings 
now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and 
keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery ; 
but what i should do for wet nusses i don't kno, nor don't 
care. 

I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap 
ain't the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither. 

My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap. 

I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length princi- 
pally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattraes, 
but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them. 

I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in 
Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys. 

I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn't want tew kiss ; i 
am wuss than an old maid in this respekt. 

I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss nntill they liad 
been washt ; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither 
waz i. 

Thare are folks in this world who say they donH hiv babys. 
but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babye sumboddy 
loved them. 

Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their motheiV 
arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out or hiz nest. 
They luv me bekauze i iuv them. 

And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov 
all mothers, that whenever they see me on the ears or on the 
steambote, out ov a job they needn't hesitate a minnit tew 
drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap ; i will hold it, and kiss it, 
and be thankful besides. 

Perhaps thare iz people who don't envy me all this, but it 
iz one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love 
for babys and their love for me. 

Perhaps thare iz p^iople who will call it a weakness, i don't 



132 ANIMATED NATUK. 

care what they call it, bring on the babys. Tinkle Josh haz 
always a kind word and a kiss for the babys. 

I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid 
their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor 
counteriits among them. 

I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more. 



"THE CRAB." 

"VTATUR is fond ov a joke. 

-L 1 She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft 
shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz t«w bite. 
They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They 
are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the 
land as long az they kan find ennytiiing tew bite. 

They hav several leggs, whicli are aul lokated on the star- 
board side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the 
mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one. 

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think 
so tew stand and look at them ; it would bother a stranger 
tew tell where tew begin ; it would be a good deal like trying 
tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw. 

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until 
they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throw- 
ing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. 
It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grass- 
hopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git 
one dinner out of biled crabs ; I think perhaps a person mite 
sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and 
day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. 
Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin. 



ESSA OX SWIXE. 



HOGS generally are quadriped. 
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been 
fully discovered ; they existed a long time before the flood, 



and ha,v existed a long time since. 



THE CAT, AND THE KAJSGAliOO. 13S 

There iz a grate deal ov internal revcnow in a hog, thare 
ain't mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster. 

Even their tails can be wiirked up into whissells. 

Hogs ai'e goud quiet boarders ; thev alwus eat what iz set 
before them, and don't ask enny foolish questions. 

They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they 
never hav that but once ; once seems to satisfy them. 

Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them. 

Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more 
apart, like a hendock slab. 

Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some arc 
az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on 
them. 

They kan awl rule well; a hog that kaiit rute well, haz bin 
made in vain. 

They are a shoii: li\-ed animal, and gcncrallj^ die az soon az 
they git fatt. 

The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning thing's, such 
az inghsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over 
the swill barrells, and linding a hole in the fence to git into 
a cornfield,, but thare ain't emiy length tew their memory; 
it iz awful hard work for them tew lind tlie same hole to git 
out at, espeslily if yu are at all anxious they should. 

Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same 
way yu are going ; they drive the most the other way ; this 
haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog. 



THE CAT, AXD THE KANGAROO. 

THE cat, iz called a domestik animile, — but i never hav Inn 
able tew tell wharefore. 
You kaut trust one, enne}^ more than yukan a case ov the 
gout. Thare iz oidy one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a 
eat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope. 
They ai*e az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Ju- 
dus Iskaratt. 



134 



AIsLVIATED NATUE* 



The J will harvest a dozen or yung chickens for yu, and 
then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, 
and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov in- 
jured innocence, and 
chicken, and dream 
ov their ch i 1 d h o o d 
days. 

All thare iz, =sure 
about a cat, that iz 
domestik, that i kno 
ov, iz, that yu kant 
looze one. 

You kant looze a 
cat, — they are az hard 
to looze, az a bad rep- 
utashun iz. 

You may send one 

out ov the state, dun 

up in a meal bag, and 

marked, " C. O. D.," 

,,^^. ,^, and the next morning 

THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO. yU Will find him, OF 

her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the 
kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on. 

Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the 
night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik. 

But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin dis- 
kovered -s^i^ iz their fear ov death. 

Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov 
death, — they aktually skorn tew die. 

You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they 
will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering 
prospektus. 

Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and 
kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried 
in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy 
else. 




THE IvANGAIlOO. 135 

Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they 
are verry cheap. — a little money, — well invested. — will go a 
grate ways, in cats. 

Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted IS 
from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last 
summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neithero 



The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are f ello- 
citizens ov Af rika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments 
on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov lAntch 
use to them ; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their 
liind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz — on the 
jump. 

Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz 
the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika 
had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with othei 
people, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what 
to do with. 

Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump 
eimything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the 
deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole 
herd ov deer. 

A kangaroo's tail iz a living kuriosity ; in its general 
habits it looks and akts like a rat's tail, but in size you must 
multiply it by six thousand and upwards. 

What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz both- 
ered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, 
at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up. 

The philosophers git beat of tener than ennybody i kno ov, 
but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo's tail waz 
too mutch for them. 

Eut a kangaroo's tail don't bother me enny more than a 
kite's tail duz ; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt 
just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum 
acrost enny thing in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at 
once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders 
in the animals ; if she has failed enny whare, it iz in man 



130 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but 
man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This 
ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and git- 
ting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up. 



m 



THE CODFISH. 

|HE codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for 
X their being so salt. 

They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel 
trap, and hang on like a poor relation. 

They are good eating for a wet day ; they are better than 
an umbreller to keep a man dry. 

Dried codfish iz one ov the luxiirys of life, but codfish 
three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them. 

Codfish never venture in fresh water ; they would soon 
spile if they did. 

I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like 
it better than fishing for frogs. 

I think i could ketch frogs well enufi', but i should insist 
upon their taking themselfs ofi* from the hook. 

I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a 
live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i 
am afraid ov their kicking. 

Sum people ain't afraid to take enny thing with their hands, 
that they can reacli, not even an eel, but if I should ever git 
caught by an eel, if i couldn't settle with him, right off, by 
giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into 
the bargin and put for home. 

The codfisli iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof 
from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a 
relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy. 

I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stifi* upper lip, 
but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him 
than it iz tew his blood. 



THE HACKKKL.— THE POLLYWOGG. 137 

THE MACIOIEL. 

THE mackrel iz a game fisli. They ought tew be well ed- 
ukated, for they are always in schools. 

They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov 
old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook. 

They ain* t the only kind ov lish that are caught by the 
Bame kind of bait. 

Macki-el inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the gro- 
cervs alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted 
on salt. 

They want a o;ood deal ov freshning before they are eaten, 
and want a o-ood deal ov freshnina: afterward. 

If I can hav plenty of mackrel for breldasst i can generally 
make the other two meals out ov cold water. 

Mackrel are considered by menny folks tlie best iish that 
swims, and are called •' the salt of the earth." 



THE POLLYWOGG. 



THE pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out or 
thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging. 

After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz 
mind tliat this world want made for pollywogs and ^' nothing 
venture nothing have,'' and then he turns hiz attenshun tew 
bi^rirer thinirs. 

He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdura, and studdy- 
in<r the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the kon- 
klusion tliat the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog. 

This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, iind pob 
lywoggs tew be lost. 

The pollywogg now leaves the water and s]^)ends a part ov 
liiz summers upon land. 

He haz tew lite hiz way through life, ;nid gener;:lly goes 
on the jimip. 

Being better at divmg than he iz at d(j(lgeiug, he ollea 



138 ANIMATED NATUK. 

runs liiz lied aginst sticks and stmis that tlie boys throw at 
hmi, but hiz two mortal enemjs are the frenchman and the 
striped snaik. 

The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the 
Bnaik swallows him whole. 

I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the 
enake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life. 

If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, 
for a snake kant travel a tree. 

1 don't kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swop- 
ping himself oph for a frog, imless it iz expenence, but i never 
hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experi- 
ence. 

If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav hapj^i- 
ness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never 
found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through 
the kindness of experience. 



THE BULL HEAD. 



THIS remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and 
mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young 
lizzards and dirt. 

They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out enny- 
thing that they kan swallo. 

They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides 
or their bed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed 
penknife, with the blades all open to oust. 

They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they 
are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set 
them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will be* 
o-in Hfe anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule. 

They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan, 

I don't advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu 
feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it. 



MUDTURKLES. 13^ 

Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov June ; steaj 
out quietly from home ; tell yure folks yu are going tew the 
nabors to borry a setting of hen's eggs ; find a saw log on the 
banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the 
water ; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the 
Jog; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the 
water up tew yure garters ; bait yure hook with a ehimk ov 
old injun rubber shoe ; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, 
take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto 
the saw log; whenyuhav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder 
the saw log, and leave for home ; git up the next morning 
early, skin the bull beds, and split up the saw log into kind- 
ling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware 
the whole family to keep dark about it. 

This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do 
with bull heads. 



MUDTUEHLES. 

"1 iTTDTUIiKLES liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch 
-LtX attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom 
receive ^-isitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsi- 
pally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git 
it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at 
home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav 
sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally 
hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the 
class known az "close korporashuns," and are a hard animil 
tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudtur- 
kle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a 
tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun 
rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a 
paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny 
trubble ; awl ya hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, 
and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults. 



140 



ANIMATED XATUE. 



but tha won't lie, nor drink ruin, nor cLa^r terbacker, and 
tlio tha cant trot as fast az snm liosses kan, tliare sure tew git 
tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. 
I take a deep interest in moste awl tlie animils, and particu- 
larly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in 
their wisdum won't pass a law ^-prohibiting enny more mud- 
turkles." I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntrv\ 
the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch 
quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a reve 
Dew stamp onto it. 



SHQO 



THE FLY. 

Tlffi fl J i'A not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, with- 
out branes, but liappily without guile. 
Tliey make tlioir appearance amung mankind, a good deal 

a z the wind d u z, 
ft y ^* whare it listeth." 

^04^^ How they are ex- 

actly born, i haven't 
been able yet tew in 
vestigate, but they are 
so universal at times, 
that i luiv t ]\ o u g h t, 
they didn't wait tew 
be born, but took the 
f jist "-ood chance that 
was oifered, and cnm 
just az they am. 

They are sed tew be 

male and femail, but 

i dont think they kon- 

sider the marriage tie 

binding, for they look 

^"'' ^^'^' so mutch alike, that it 

Would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wicli waz who, 

and this would lead tew never ending files, vrkh iz llie ^'hu 

barb ov domestik life. 




TIIE FLY. 1^1 

They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but 
don't git tew buzzing good till the center ov August. 

They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance^ 
and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am. 

Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and 
usefuiiuess, but this don't interfere with their census, for tlieir 
iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their prop- 
erty. 

Sum looze their lives hi lighting too near the rim ov a toad's 
uoze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and uthers git badly 
.stuck bi phooling with mollassis. 

Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and 
thousands iind a watery grave, bi gitting di-owned in nii'k 
cans. 

The fly iz nu re^pckter ov pu-suns, he lights onto the])outing 
lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto theLuz- 
zum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, >.»r a 
liod-caiTier, ir" they git in his way. 

Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rtst 
ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a 
man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw. 

Their principal food iz every thing, tliey will pitch into a 
ded suaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and 
vrill eat f rum sun rise, till seven o'cloclc in the evening, with- 
t'lit getting more than hafl:*phiill. 

They vrill eat more, and hold le.-.-r. th.iu enny bug we kno 
ov. 

The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may 
:lnve him uut ov ^iire ear ; and he will land on yure forhed, 
iiit him aginly, and he euters yure noze, the oftner yu git 
rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another; the 
vudy vray tew inculcate him Avitli yure meaning, iz tew smash 
him up fine. 

Naturalists dout teil us all about the soshull habits ov tlie 
fly, but i l)elea^-e they liav temprate habits, and altho they 
liang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly thewuss 
for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies. 



142 ANIMATED NATUK. 

TLey hav a big appetiglit for gitting into tilings, tliey are 
' tlie fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont 
leave untill the cloth iz removed. 

Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted in- 
to all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and 
hear, what a world ov phunny sekrcts they could unfold ; but 
nys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a koniidenco. 

What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew 
blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your 
plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more 
phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, 
but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, 
az a salt codflsh. 

Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a se- 
kret. 

Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haflf 
born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fast see them, like a 
paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller. 

I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, 
among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, 
taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz 
wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico's, with the minister from 
England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by 
sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed cham- 
ber. 

ijiit thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or 
religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps 
for them, tew chase them, out ov the house with a sled stake, 
and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew 
git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the 
tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally 
ruin them, with deth. 

I thank the Lordi ain't one ovthoze, i don't lur afiy enuff", 
tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and 
worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, 
and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still. 

Flys tickle me, but they don't make me sware, it takes a 



THE CROW. 1^3 

bedd bug, at tlie liollow ov iiiglit, a mean, loafing bed buo-g, 
who steals out ova krackin the wall, az silently az the swet" 
on a dog's noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew 
mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore -for my ile, it takes 
one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me 
sware, a word ov two sillables. 

A flv, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware^ 
hot even an abreviated dam. 

I dispize ennymen who sware, it iz not only wicked, but 
always smells ov whiskey. 

This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov 
the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding lit- 
erarj', or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their 
sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rose- 
bud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a 
budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing 
ov this breed, tew fetch them. 



THE CROW. 

"VTEXT to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry 
-LI to spare. They are born verry vnld, but kan be tamed 
az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss 
than a sore thumb. 

If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git 
into, it iz bekause the thing ain't big enufl'. I had rather 
watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on 
what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint 
tied down. 

They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold 
an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are 
a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill ; they kan see 
you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side 
ov a mountain. 

They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to 



144 ANIMATED KATUR. 

cultivate, but what '^a^y do sing, they seem to understand 
thoroughly ; long praktiss has made them perfekt. 

The crow iz a tuif bird, and kan stand the heat like a black* 
smith, and the cold like a stun wall. 

They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both 
eggs would hatch out if they was Liid in a snow bank, — thare 
aint no such thing as stopping a young crow. 

Crows are very lengthy ; i bel,eave they live always i never 
knu one to die a natral detli, and don't believe they kno how. 

They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber 
.<^hew, poor inside and out. 

They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sum- 
whare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man 
hankering for sum biled crow 2 times. 

This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true 
i aint tew blame for it ; natur made the crow, i didn't ; if i 
had i would hav made lier more honest and not quite so tuff. 



THE LUMBLE BEE. 



TKE Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets. 
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably 
necessary, if a fellow only knew how. 

They liv apart from tlie rest ov mankind, in little circles 
numbering about T5 or SO souls. 

They are born about haying time, and are difi^erent from 
enny bug i know ov ; they are*the biggest when they are fust 
born. They resemble sum men in this respekt. 

Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they 
don't make enny to sell. 

Boys sumtlmes rob them out ov a whole summer's work ; 
but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus 
watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their lielm. 

I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is be- 
tween here and tlie city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble 
bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin. 



THE ROBBDsG. 

THE ROBBLN^G. 



145 



\\ \ c^-^^ 



THE robin haz a red brest. 
They liav a plaiiitiif song, and sing az tho they waz 
sorry for sum thing. 

They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to 
winter. 

They git their name from their grate ability for robbing 
a cherry tree. 

They kan also robin a cuiTant bush fust rate, and are smart 
on a goose berry. 

If a robm kant find enny tiling else tev\' e;it, they aint tew 
fastidious tew eat a 
ripe strawberry. ^"^-^ 

They build their 
nest out ov mud, and 
straw, and lay 4 egg'', 
that are speckled. 

Four yrjig rob- 
bings, in a nest, that 
are just hatched out, 
and still on the half- 
shell, are alwus az 
reddy for dinner, az 
a nuzeboy iz. 

If enny boddy goes 
near their nest, their 
mouths all fiy open 
at once, so that yu 
kan see clear down 
tew their jmlates. 

If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov coui-se, wo sliould 
all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but ihav thought, 
it wouldn't be enny thing inure than common politeness, for 




the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and tlu 
own cherriz, tew see how they did taste. 
10+ 



just one or our 



146 ANBIATED ^'AXmi. 

THE SWALLO. 

THE swallo iz a lively bird. 
Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and 
alwus in a twitter ahcut sumthing. 

They hav az mutch twitter, as a boardiiig skool niiss= 

They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crook- 
ider. 

I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss ennfF tew^ take 
the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and 
not tonch the water. 

When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz 
an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, 
" one swallo dont make a spring." 

This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that 
would make a grate menny swallo vrs. 

Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, 
and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air. 

They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor 
out ov hiz bill. 

They dont waste enny time in the morning making their 
toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their 
beds, and are reddy for bizzness. 

I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless 
than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as 
the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch 
longer, than a trout will. 



THE BAT. 

THE bat is a winged mouse. 
They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum 
out for a frolik. 

They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az the they had 
taken a little too mutch gin. 



THE HAWK 141 

Thej look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite 
like a snappin turkle 

What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they 
kan tell neither. 

They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, ])ut a kind ol 
live hash, made out ov all three. 

If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the 
earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, 
just for fun. 

But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov 
the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, 
sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, 
laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little 
we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running 
the machinery of kreashuu. 

Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he 
don't seem tew kno it. 

Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill 
it better than we do ours. 

Bats liv on flies, and liawks liv on bats, but who livs on the 
hawks, i kant tell. 

Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it 
wasn't, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew de- 
cide it. 

Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i 
think it duz, i wouldn't ask for a seckond plate ov it. 



THE HAWK. 

THE hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one 
too, every good chance he kan git. 
I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov 
the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin 
in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick. 

They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so 



14S ANIMATED NATUR, 

that no misbionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well. 

Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civil* 
ize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes 
a bif]: charo^e ov this too. 

I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with 
fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 
4 c[narts ov oats would hav, on an old boss, it made them 
more lively for a f u minnits. 

I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over 
them. 

I dont sui-pose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but 
i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assort- 
ment, wouldn't answer. 



THE MEDDO MOLE. 



THE meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i 
dont kno wliich. 

They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for 
a living. 

They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch 
auorur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one 
night, and never cum once tew the surface. 

They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan 
see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika. 

How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs 
mister}'s, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misteiys ov natur 
that makes mankind respektful. 

If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most 
enny boddy would think they could beat her. 

But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and 
then lafi's at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right. 

I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle 
ov diet or not, i never hav seen tlieir names registered on enny 
bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz 



THE POSSUM. 149 

60 miitcli meat fixings with f rencli, and dutch names on the 
l)ills, that they may be thar. 

I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch. 

A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid 
common yittles in enirlish. 



THE POSSIJ]\r. 

THE possum iz a fcllo ov the Southern and TTestem States. 
He o^vns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a pliat 
boddy, and a poor talk 

lie enjoys roots, chickens, grass, Q^g?^', green kom, and lit- 
tle mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats. 

Iliz boddy is kiyyered with a hairy kind oy phur, oy a 
dirty white complexion ; hiz feet and fingers resem])le the rack- 
koon, hiz ears arc a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail 
iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the 
snaiks stummuk. 

The possum's tall bothers me. I hay loolied at it bi the hour ; 
i hav studdjed it, and tried tew parse it ; i hay figgered on it 
az clu:^s az i would a proposishun in Euklid ; i hav hung oyer 
it az fondly az a kemist ; i hay fretted and wondered, liav got 
mad. wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whl a possum 
should hay a hairless caudel. 

If some philosophik mind, out oy a present job, will explain 
this tale to me, and sho me the mercy oy it, i will explain to 
him, free from cost, the pucker oy the persimmon, or the yitai 
importance thare iz in being bolegged, two mister)'S which are 
only known to the Billings family. 

The possum iz a lonesum and joyless yagabond, living just 
near enuff to the smoke ova chimbly tew pick up a transient 
gosiin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck 
fast. 

Thare iz oniy one man in this visionary world who seems 
tew hav an alSnity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that 



X50 ANIMATED NATUR. 

iz a darkey. They are the nigger's poultry and roast )amb- 
The possum, in poor eondishun, is az phull ov phatt as a 
tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum 
miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun 
that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take 
either. 

Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and 
sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire 
different principal from the goose. 

Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in mark- 
et from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is ampu- 
tated. A possum's tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage 
to any enterprizing man. 

Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold 
for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early eduka- 
shun has bin neglekted. 

Thare iz only one thing about a possum's skin different from 
a boss hide, they don't shed their hair, evry Iiair is drove in 
and clinched on tuther side. 

Possum's hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz 
az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs. 

But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, 
they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, 
feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch. 
I mean tuffness and cunning 

If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hoUo ov 
the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he 
lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and 
dies az ded az a two dollar watch. 

The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger 
will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that 
^^ dis possum hab been eating pizen ;" take him by the tail 
and send him buzzing into a brush heep. 

Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus 
loozeing it. 

I hav often killed them with a Hub, sufficiently dead enufi 
tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav 



THE CUESID MUSKETO. 151 

seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the unJerbrusK 

If thare iz ennj boddj who don't beleave tins i don't care, 
i only write wliat i know, and don't hold miself liable for 
other folks' ignorance. 

Possum grease and hue kake, in equal parts, will pliatt a nig- 
ger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pat- 
tent leather. 

If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for 
him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me. 

1 think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on 
this subjeckt. 

Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az 
well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi 
life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and 
never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family. 

The muskrat and the possum liav similar tales, but the 
muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum 
never bathes in ennything but chicken blood. 

The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make 
sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster's 
spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy 
else haint bin able tew edukate yet. 



TIIE CUESID MUSKETO, 



DHA E : — Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite 
bi mail, and i hurry tew repli. 

The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen 
point, in the dominion ov Xu Jersey. 

They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market fof 
them iz verry unstiddy — the grate supply injures the de« 
mand. 

Two Imndred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a 
paying krop, altho they often beat that. 

They don't require enny nussing, and the poorer the land 
the bigger the yield. 



152 



ANBIATED NATUR 




If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would 
do thare tew git a living, for tliare iz a grate deal ov kultiva- 
ted land lliare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit. 

The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don't waste enny 
time ; they are alwuss az roddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz. 

and kan bight 10 
f/4sr/A^''/:^'>i^f%;^i^;^^J,^J^._ minuitts after they 

are born just az flu- 
ently az ever. 

Thare iz people 
in this world so kon- 
trary at heart, and 
s o ignorant, that 
they wont see enny 
wisduni in having 
musketers around ; 
i alwus pitty sutch 
pholks — their edu- 
kashun haz been 
\^\\^'''\^ii\'\Wi:saaBsas^sk''i^'>jm?fVfif}yW/^'^A-)^x sorely neo^lekted and 

1m \Km\ii, ,^jMmmmmiiMf/// wisdum iz i i k e 

duks eggs — if yu git 
them, yu hav got 
tew sarch for them 
— thare aiut no duks in theze benighted days that will cum 
and la egg-s in yure hand — not a duk, Mr. , not a duk. 

The musketo is a soshul insex ; they liv veriy thick 
amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don't 
kontrakt enny ov hiz vices. 

Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter ; they never 
fail to ciun to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the 
effort. 

The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can^t sing 
won't bight ; this information may be ov grate use to science, 
but aint worth mutch to a pheliow in a hot nite whare mus 
keeters ai-e plenty. 



THE CURSIU MUSKETO. 



THE CURSID ilUSKETO. 153 

If thare ain't but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight 
good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun. 

The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz 
right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get Hd 
ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them. 

They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argu- 
ment. I say bully for the muskeeter ! 

The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt 
— he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a 
lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without 
ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time ; or he kan git 
into sumboddy's bed-room thru the key- hole, and take hiz 
rashuns reglar, and sing saras ov praze and glorificashun. 

It don't kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; 
if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov 
swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp 
fog. 

The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a 
line busst, a shai-p tooth and and a reddy wit. 

He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and 
alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises. 
I positively fear a musketo. 

In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az 
a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov 
the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, sing 
ing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to 
feel the exackt s])0t on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, 
iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me ; i had rather look for- 
ward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto 
me. 

The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates ; even 
a mule dispizes them. 

But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov 
them ; i hav seen pliolks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite 
onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them : i hav 
seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter 
mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger iu 
up tew the hilt in vain. 



15i A^^niATED XATUR 

I envy these people their moral stamina . for next tew be 
ing yirtewous i would like tew be tuff. 

This life iz phull ovpeskj muskeetos, who arealwus a look 
ing for a job, alwus reddj tew stik a thissell into yii smn 
whare, and sing while they are doing it. 

Dear Mr. , j)^^^<^^ me for saying so mutch about the 

cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or 
set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny 
beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same 
little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter. 



THE HOEXET. 



THE hornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impres- 
shuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end. 

Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper 
in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, " git out ov mi 
way," 

They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a 
waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus 
ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin. 

This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at 
a minnit's warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az 
spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake. 

Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl uv their differ- 
ences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az cer- 
tain tew hit az a mule iz. 

This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about 
one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or 
conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether 
they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together 
and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont 
kare. 

I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never consider- 
ed it helthy. 



THE HORNET. 155 

Hornets bild tlieir nests whenever they take a noshun to, 
and seldom are distnrbed, for what would it profit a man tew 
kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with 
hiz javelin? 

They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to 
them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, 
and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz 
cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets. 

It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i 
will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one tliat he 
could sell tew a hornet for half price. 

Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but 
what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up 
enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only 
jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in 
az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor. 

I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its ax- 
letree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but 
hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now 
what it iz. 

Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want 
a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around 
black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that 
dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug 
tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the 
cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov 
having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count. 

Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hor- 
net haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the 
rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and 
here iz another mister}^ : what on arth duz a hornet want so 
mutch reserve corps for. 

I hav jist thought — tew carry hiz javehn in, thus you see, 
the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to 
know. 

It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving 
dollar for wisdmn, and \visdum iz lik« the misterious hens egg^ 



156 ANIMATED KATUR. 

it aint laid in jure hand, but iz laid awaj under the barn, and 
ju hav got tew sarcli for it. 

The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than 
he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and 
refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dis- 
satisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good 
breding ackts this way simitimes 

Hornets are long-lived — i kant state jist how long their 
lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny 
ki-itter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and 
stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his 
nabers. 

The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the 
hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his jave- 
lin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumbod- 
dy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer ; and az for grit, i will 
state for the informashun ov thoze who haven't had a chance 
tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one 
single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp 
f 

What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i 
kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest tliinkers 
amung the natirralists say they hav target excursions, and 
heave their javelins at a mark ; but i don't imbibe this asser- 
shun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az 
the hornets are, to viaste a blow. 

Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him 
credit for on mi books — he alwus attends tew hiz own bizz- 
ness, and wont allow any boddy else tev*' attend tew it, and 
what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering 
enny tiling, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and 
aint seen. 

If the hornets made hafi az menny blimders az the men do, 
even with their javelins, everyboddy would laii at them. 

Hornets are clear in anotlier way, they hav found out, bi 
tricing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz 
their vittles^ and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at 



meetmg 



THE RABBIT. 



15: 



the comer ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, be- 
kauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with 
him. 

In ending oph this essa, 1 will cum tew a stop, by conclud- 
ing, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so 
darned T^eremptoiy with their javelins, they might be guilty o v 
less ^"Isdum, but more charity. 

But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny 
thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant's egg. 



THE KABBIT. 

THE rabbit iz akind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and 
reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. 
They are az harm- 
less, so far az pizou 
is consarned, az a 
yung goslin. 

They liv in holes 
in the ground, hol- 
ler lo£r&, and under 
brush heaps, and kan 
run faster aud stop 
quicker than any 4 
or 6 legged brute. 

Their hind legs 
are twice az long 
and tvv'ice az fast az 
their fore ones, and 
they seem tew be 
bilt best for running 
up a hill, and back- 



ing down it. 



Thev 




TH£ KABBIT. 



are all colors known tew the trade, except green ; green rabbits 
are out ov fashion. 



158 A^^IMATED NATUE. 

Kabbits bile eazj, and eat soft, and are sad tew be bettei 

vittles than the kat. 

1 don't kno exacktly how mennj rabbits thare are in the 
United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan 
hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles. 

One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a 
whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into 
the jineing parts. 

Babbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it 
fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a 
bad kold. 

Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile ; i hav kept 
them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they 
are useless. 

Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin 
without tareing, az a biled potater. 



THE POODLE. 

THE poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst 
a good deal ov promiskuss hair. 

They are sum times white for color, and their hair iz tangled 
all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey. 

They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stub- 
born az a setting hen. 

A poodle iz a woman's pet, and that makes them kind ov 
sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships. 

I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places 
with, but the owners ov them didn't akt to me az tho they 
wanted tew trade for enny thing. 

Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more 
utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz 
poodles, for if thare wasn't thare iz some people who wouldn't 
hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv. 

Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are 
good for fleas. 



THE PATRIDGB. 159 

Fleas are also good for poodles, for they i:eep their Jiinds 
employed scratching, and almost every boddy else's too about 
the house. 

I never knew a man te^v keep a poodle. Man's natur iz too 
koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a 
man waz tew nuss him. 

I don't expekt ennv poodle, but if ennj boddy duz giv me 
one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick 
every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the 
outside. 

This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, 
and probably he would quit, but i kant help it. 

If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash 
the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint. 

Bully for me. 



THE PATPJDGE. 



T 



HE partridge iz a kind or wild lien, and liv in the swamps, 
_L and on the hill sides that are woody. 

They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand,if yukan git 
near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz al 
wus diffikult for nu beginners. 

In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their 
wings on some deserted old log, and if yudraw ni unto them 
tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thni 
the air with a hum like a bullet. 

Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one 
hundred yai-ds, i am authorized tew bet on this. 

The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, 
if they are not missed. 

It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, espe- 
cially if a tree gets in the way. 

1 hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost agratedea] 
ov time al iU 



160 ANIMATED NATUB. 

The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her 
eggs out az a cockroach iz \rho feels well. 

When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about 
with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year's chestndt 
burs on legs. 

Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz bom 
during the present century, but tliare iz a grate menny pat- 
ridge around that waz with iSToah in the ark, and they are az 
tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a boss shu. 

But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i 
had rather hav broiled ki-ow than broiled mule just for a 
change. 



THE SNIPE. 

THE snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out or 
low, wet places quick, and git back again cjuick. 

They are pure game, and are shot on the move. 

They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and 
eat az eazy az sweetmeats. 

The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor's) 
and git a li\dng bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and 
then pmnping the juices out with their tounge. 

I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet 
in the air and phell on to the hard ground, tliey would split 
open like an egg. 

This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it 
did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it. 



THE COCKEOACH 



THE cockroach iz a bug at large. 
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization. 
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinars^ 
kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him propel 
ackts ov courtesy. 



THE COCKROACH. 161 

We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the 
outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a 
highly sncxjessf 111 intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, 
and the " artiJcilus hew.'' or common Amerikan grasshopper. 

NatuiTilists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a 
diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the 
peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the 
lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all 
bug ethicks. 

But let the learned and jjolite pull hair az mutch az they 
plea-ze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our 
bizzness and duty, az bug scriitinizer, tew show the critter up 
az w^e find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who 
hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz. 

Thare iz no mistaking the f ackt that he iz one ov a numerous 
family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, 
speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadul- 
terated natur. 

He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest 
provocation, like tlie giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious 
bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the inven- 
shnn ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers 
and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon 
calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races 
between the butter plates. 

How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest 
material in market, and the most plenty, should be so deter- 
mined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself. 

1 dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, 
evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the 
bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to 
repair damages with. 

Such iz man ! 

The cocki'oach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov 
November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days 
from date. 

They are bom from an ^g^, four from each Qgg, and conse- 
lii 



162 ANIMATED NATUR. 

quently they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing 
in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach. 

The maternal bng don't sett upon the egg as the goose 
doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt 
mustard seed, and don't seem tew care a dam whether they 
get ripe or not. 

But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an 
appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as 
Kanada thistles, or a bad kold. 

The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They 
are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good 
track, and a good day, cluss tew three mimiitts. 

Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they 
eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in 
my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion 
that a cockroach kan't swim, but they kan float. 

Naturahsts hav also declared that the cockroach has no 
double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be 
introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika. 

But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg 
is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan't bite nor sting, 
nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I 
hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay 
there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last 
with a broken heart. 

To realize the meekness ovtheze uncomplaining little cusses, 
let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them 
to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and 
woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warb- 
ling musketo, wild from a Xujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz 
dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood ; or, horror ov horrors ! 
to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still 
and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty 
like a starved leech. 

Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for 
me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to 
hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter's eong in the 



THE MULE. 



163 



room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg 
left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out 
and for me to pitch into bed. 

In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be will- 
ing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a 
small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I 
had shaved him in the trade. I would return the cockroach 
and sware that we waz even. 



THE MULE. 

THE mule is haf boss and haf Jackass, and then kums tn 
a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. 

Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other 
kreetur, e x- 
cept a c r o w- 
bar. 

Tha kant 
ii e a r e n n y 
r|uicker, nor 
further than 
the boss, yet 
their ears are 
big enuff for 
snow shoes. 

You kan 
trust them 
with e n n y 

one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The 
only wa tu.keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them in- 
to a medder jineing, and let them jump out. 

Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu 
abuse. 

Tha baint got enny friends, and will live on buckle berry 
brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels. 




-•tf«»W^ 



THE MTTLE. 



164 ANOIATED ^:ATUB. 

Tha ai*e a modern invenshun, i dont tliiiik tlie Bible deludes 
tu them at tall. 

Tha sol for more money than enny other domestik animile. 
Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouthj enny 
more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha nev^r hav no 
dissease that a good club Tvont heal. 

If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never 
herd noboddy sa '* ded mule." 

Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte ; ive known 
thorn tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse 
to kick sumbody. 

I never owuud one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a 
United Staits law passed, requiring it. 

The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are 
ashamed ov theinselfs. 

I have t^en eddikated mules in a sirkus. 

Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what 
I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, 
and man want tu blame for it. 

Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be ex- 
empt by law from running for the leglslatur. 

Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest 
ackording tu their sise ; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from 
the to^F path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon a^ he touch- 
ed bottom, but he kept rite on towing tlie boat tu the nex 
stashun, breathing thru his ears, v» hich stuck out ov the wa- 
ter about 2 feet 6 inches ; i did'nt see this did, but an auction- 
eer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless 
it was absolutely convenient. 



BED BUGS. 

IXEVER see ennybody yet but Avhat despised JBed Bugs, 
They are the meanest ov aui crawling, creeping, hopping, 
or biteinsr thin<y3. 

They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, a::er 
dai'k, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep. 



THE FLEA. 165 

A musketo will light you in broad dalite, at short range, 
Slid giv YOU a chance tew knock in hiz sides — the fiea iz a 
irame biifrs:, and will make a dash at you even in Eroadwav — 
but the bed-bngg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and 
then picks out a mellow place tew eat you. 

If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate 
to damn a bed buirsr rio:ht tew hiz face. 

Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way ; one pair 
ov them will stock a hair matlrass in 2 weeks, with bugs ennii' 
tew last a small family a whole year. 

It don't do enny good to pray vrhen bed bugs are in season : 
the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole 
bed in aqua foitis, and then heave it away and buy a new 
one. 

Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are 
alx)ut the size ov abluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, 
ana when they start out to garrote are az thin az a i^rease 
spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up 
like a blister. 

It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them. 

If bed buggs have enny destiny to till, it must be their 
stummuks ; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made 
by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddv. 

If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must har 
took the wi'ong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in 
chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, 
tew foller the same trade. 

If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs 
vrill chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be. bekanse 
i am one ov the hereticks. 



THE FLEA. 

THE smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most 
pesky, iz the I^lea. 
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like 
a bran new shot. 



166 ANIMATED NATUR, 

They spring from low places, and kan spring further and 
faster than enny ov the bug-brutes. 

They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run ; 
one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnitts, and 
leave him az freckled az the meazels. 

It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, 
except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that ; the only way iz 
tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when 
you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea 
mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as 
soon as you hav found them. 

I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during 
enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United 
States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. 
Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and 
then thare may be a few fleas lost. 

They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you 
don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start 
bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever. 

Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it 
takes a pretty smart man tew see one enny how ; they don't 
stay long in a place. 

If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything 
else ; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late. 

Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits 



NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOB ME. 

THE shanghi mseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin 
tung. 
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane. 
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peru- 
vian lama. 

He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund 
best in a ruff and tumble fite ; like the injuns, tha kant stand 
sivilization, and are fast disappearing. 



NOT EXNY SIIANGIII FOR ME. 167 

Tlia i-oost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkla 
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, 
and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe. 
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear. 
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks. 
Tha will eat as mutch tu oust as a district skule master, 




SHANGHI. 



and ginenilly sit down rire oph tew keep from tipping over. 

Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one 
eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash 
kittle tu onst. 

The femail ruster lavs an ee: as bis: as a kokernut, and i& 
sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter 
of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then 



X68 ANIMATED NATUR 

kant kiver but 3 ov them — the rest stand around on the out* 
side, like boys around a cirkus tent^ gitting a peep under the 
kanvas when ever tha kan. 

The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry 
ought tew o^vn them all and be obliged tew feed them on 
grasshoppers, caught bi hand. 

I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink 
in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it. 

!N'ot enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze ; i wuld rather board 
a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled 
owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed 
with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for 
me, not a shanghi ! 

Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, 
that hens, thus far, are a suckcess. 

They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff. 

This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their 
younger daze ; but the hen ain't tew blame for this. 

Biled hen iz universally respekted. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen — exactly 
how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. 
Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say 
he didn't. So it goes, which and tuther. 

I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg* 
sumtimes i think the egg waz — and suratimes i think the 
hen waz — and sumtimes i think i don't kno, and i kant tell 
now, which way iz right, for the life ov me. 

Laying eggs iz the hen's best grip 

A hen that kant lay eggs — iz laid out. 

One egg iz konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav 
herd ov their doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine 
tew do it — it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, 
and thus impare their futer worth. 

The poet sez, butifulJy : 

" Sumboddy haz stole our old blew heal 
I wish they'd let her bee; 
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day, 
And Sundays she'd lay S.** 



THE AUNT. 16» 

This sounds trew euuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thous* 
and dollars that it never took place. 

The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy. 

I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghisrh 
is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a 
stage boss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning- 
mill, by running oats thru it. 

Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he 
laze less than one a day. 

Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut 
disseaze, — thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi 
this meiankoUy disseaze. 

I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a 
general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best. 

The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up 
a garden. 

Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with 
the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they 
are not disturbed. 

Fresh beef -stake is good for hens ; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds 
a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along. 

I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the 
hen question, and — take it in egg. 



THE AUXT. 

The ant iz a menny footted insekt. 

They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them 
(more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their 
property in common. 

They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never 
strike for enny higher wages. 

They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back 
door to their hearts. 

Their iz no sedentary loafers amungthem, andyu never i 
one out ov a iob. 



170 ANIMATED KATUR. 

They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, sil j 
eat on the run. 

Yu never see two ants argneing sum phoolish question that 
neither ov them didn't understand ; they don't kare whether 
the moon iz inhabited, or not ; nor whether a fish weighing 
two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will mako 
the pail slop over, or weigh more. 

They ain't a-hunting after the philosopher's stone, nor git 
ting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes. 

They don't care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 milKons ov 
miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its 
axes or not, so long az it don't bob over their korn krib and 
spill their barley. 

They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working 
hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by 
minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, 
tew make room for the next crop ov aunts. 

They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the 
industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the 
Christian. 

If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down 
bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so 
meuny kan liv so thick. 

If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be 
strengthened. 

If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit 
ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on 
the buzzum ov the arth w^ould, before this, hav bin levelled, 
and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, 
and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to 
the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on com and other 
sass. 

I hav sot by the hour and ahaff down near an aunt-hiU, and 
marvelled ; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought 
how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that 
even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, 
made bizzy, and sot to work \>y chcmce. 



THE AUNT. 171 

Ohj how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all 
things here are the work ov an acksident ! He robs himself 
ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven. 

I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, pro- 
fane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world 
az i would on the throw ov the dice. 

Ants are older than Adam. 

Man {^ for very wize reasons) want bilt un till all other things 
were finished, and pronounced good. 

If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon boss- 
ing the rest ov the job. 

He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy 
aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin 
offered, equally green. 

I am glad that man waz the last thing made. 

If man hadn't hav bin made at all, you would never hav 
heard me find enny fault about it. 

I haven't much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well 
but bekauze he wont. 

Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sum- 
thin 2:. 

Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so 
that a man kan steal a boss and ride thru them on a walk. 

They don't hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simp- 
ly, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own 
ackts. 

They don't hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny 
judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swal- 
lered. 

I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi 
money and real estate, and jine them. 

I had rather jlne them than the bulls or the bears, i like 
their morals better. 

The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and 
make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov thein 
sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up 
into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, 
and trampling it under hiz paws. 



172 ^^IMATED NATUR. 

This may be pliiin for the bulls and the bears, but it iz 
wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie. 

Ants never disturb Erie ; yu couldn't sell one eny Erie, 
enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-iish banks 
ov Xufoundland. 

Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether 
they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength ; but 
it* they don't they are no wuzz oph than they are out west 
(near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and ap- 
ply for an injunkshun to-morrow ; and are reddy the next 
day to lite it out agin on sum other line. 

Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz 
•one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick. 



SUM SXAIX. 



THE ADDER. 

THE adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very 
butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph. 

They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and 
shines like a glass bead. 

They kan be foimd in wet places, and are handy tew liv, 
both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They 
kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, 
az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how 
tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shad- 
do ov the weeping willo. 

They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile 
all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz 
:a boy. 

THE STPwIPED SXAIK. 

The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They in- 
habit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the gar- 
den, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass gen- 
erally . 



SUM SNAIX. 



173 



They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny siich thins; 
and are really az 
harmless az an ola \A^v>r^\\\ c^ 
garter, bnt az full 
ov fraid tew almost 
every boddy, az a 
torpedo. 

The fast suaix, we 
hav enny ackount 
ov much, waz the 
devil, s u rn ame d 
bellyzebubb, who 
wiggled his way in- 
r o the Garden of 
Eden, and without 
a >i!ig]e trump in 
hiz himd, beat oui- 
two original ansess- 
tors, out ov joy in- 
neffible, and glory 
halleluyer forever, 

and gave them in exchange for it sorrow witliout stint, anc 
wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon \xx)Y trade for the 
human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on 
their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile. 

Snaix kant stand the enkroachraents ov ciWlizashun, the 
seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, 
and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and 
hic'h hiz animile boss, tew put an extra bed onto a snaix. 

This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a 
dredful ritky bizzness teu follow. 

Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix 
sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare 
churches and school houses flourish. 

1 don't kno ov a mora unhelthy spot in the world for a 
snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bnng up a family 
than near a distrikt school house. 




174 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Let enn J bodj ,711st holler " striped snaix *' once, near a 
distrikt school house, and you wiU see the snaix begin teu 
paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out 
ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young 
turkeys for a Junebug. 

Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, 
and about one inch in diameter, and "thareby hangs a tail.'* 

THE BLUE EAGER. 

The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, 
ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in 
the universe. 

They kan run, on a umnown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with 
their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing 
with muscles. 

They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase 
them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew 
play " tagP 

They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch 
kind of refreshments. 

They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at. 

Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov 
the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and 
the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be 
looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of 
back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hiro- 
gliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up 
their mind that it is safe tew die. 

It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, 
it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor 
frog don't stand enny more chance ov getting away than a 
chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it 

They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in 
them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov butter- 
milk tew find its way into him. 

THE BLAK SNAIK. 

The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a 



THE MILK SNAIK. ViT^ 

tree "witliout iDoostincr, and take the yung birds out ov theii 
nests oph from the topmost limb. 

They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are 
not pizon tew bight. 

They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by 
making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their vie 
tims. 

I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but 
never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who 
want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn't eat enny 
green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to 
get choked b^* a blak snaix. 

Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who 
say ''Go uj), old hold hed,^^ and who put kittens into tar bar- 
rels will make a note ov this. 

The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes 
haz a white ring around hiz nek. 

There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill 
they git their beds smashed, and here iz just whare the po- 
etry comes in. 

There ain't much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon 
tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who 
lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi 
sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i 
wouldn't be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the 
solemnity ov the ockashun would help uie out ov the skrape. 

THE MILK SXAIX. 

The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew 
fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch 
in this underhand way. 

I don't beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix 
no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them ennj 
how. 

Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew 
consider the fackts ov when they write onto them. 

I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, 



176 ANIMATED NATUR. 

if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would 
guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 
feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 
foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him. 

This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a mar- 
vel. 

The Bible sez, '^marvel twI^"^ and altho i look upon all 
things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav won- 
dered if Joner's ketching the whale just az he did, wasn't 
some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present 
daze. 

If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, 
he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry 
and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that 
whale, if a man wan't smart in figgures, he would git a poor 
idea of the animile's dimenshuns. 

I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life 
away, and don't never see one, I don't intend tew mourn in- 
konsolably about it. 

I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn't go 
a hafl' a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov 
the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them. 

Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and 
Divine Providence haz fixt that ; it is tew git their heds 
squeezed by a suitable sized pebble. 



THE EACCOOX, AKD THE PETTYFOGGER 

THE Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America ; 
he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery 
by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew 
git a living with. 

He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth 
more than all the rest ov him. 

He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the 



THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER, 177 

cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and nnder- 
stands liiz bizzness. 

liiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv 
with him on the inside ov a tree. 

He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew 
receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz 
own afiairs. 

He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz 
rings on it. 

Theze rinsfs are ov the same material that the tail iz, and 
are worn upon all occasions. 

During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and 
lays down by hiz fireside. 

'When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how 
the chickens hav wintered. 

Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it 
wasn't for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackc<:K)n 
would find what everyboddy else haz los^ — a heaven upon 
earth. 

But the dogs tree him and the men skm him, and what 
there iz left ov him ain't worth a cuss. 

He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the 
alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he 
haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan't 
redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing. 

He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and 
will steal what he kant eat. nor hide. 

He will tip over a barrel! ov apple sass just for the fun ov 
mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out 
ov the mollassis, not be kause he hivs sugar enny better than 
he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got 
a good daub tew it. 

1 hav studdied animal deviltry for IS years, bekause the 
more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz. 

I can't find, by sarching the passenger list, that Koah had 
a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mut- 

in 



178 A2<IMATED NAT UK. 

ton sassage, that mister coon, and liiz wife were commuted, 
by stealing a ride. 

I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that ha 
could steal quick. 

Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the 
face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five 
hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the 
next ninety days. 

I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew 
tame az a child, if yu take them young enuif, but i kan't 
advise ennybody to cnltivate coons, they want az mutch look- 
ing after, az a blind mnle on a tow path, and thare aint enny 
more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock di^ddend, on the 
Erie Eail Road. 

I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till 
now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever : lately, i dis- 
kovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov 
a kats tale, mining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid 
mean whissel. 

Eackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety 
ov m.en, and dogs ennif, but thare aint but few ov them die 
ov old age ; the north western fur company, are the grate 
undertakers of the coon family. 

I feel sorry for coons ; for with a trifie more brains, they 
would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the 
peace ; but even this would not save them from final perdishun. 

Natur don't make any mistakes, after all ; she hits the bull 
right in the eye every time : when she wants a rackcoon with 
rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a petty- 
fogger, she knows how tew make him, without splicing a good 
coon. 

Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may 
enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good 
deal less ov the law than he otherwize would ; still, for all this, 
if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I 
should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less 
pettyfogger. 



THE FEATHERED ONES.— DUK, 



179 



If the Kaccoon would only giv his wliole atteDslmn tew 
politicks, thar ain't but few could beat hiin ; he is at home on 
the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 
1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the coun- 
try, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom 
salts. 



THE FEATHEPwED ONES. 



DUK. 



CTfCE 



THE duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this — ^nat- 
uralists say so, and kommon sense teaches it. 

They are bilt sum thing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, 
flat-footed job. They 
don't kackle like 
the hen, nor k r o 
Hke the rooster, nor 
holler like the pea- 
kok, nor scream like 
the goose, nor turk 
Hke the turkey ; but 
they quack like a 
root d o k t e r, and 
their bill re5eml:)les 
avetenary suro^eon's. 

They have a wov- 
en fut, and kan float 
on the water az nat- 
ral az a sope bubble. 

They are pretty 
mutch all f e a t h- 
ers, and when the ^^^ feathered ones. 

feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just 
about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked 
squash that haz gone tew seed. 




180 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to 
miss also, unless yu understand the bizness. 

You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let 
Them fly up tew the shot. 

I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feath- 
er now and then ; but this satisHed me, for i am crazy for all 
kind ov sport, yu know. 

Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, 
€venif yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three 
ye-ars ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I 
iiav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it 
— this iz strikly conii den shall. 

TURKEY. 

Boast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberr}^ sass iz 
'l>etter. 

The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself 
by gitting onto a frolik. 

They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and 
they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them 
but themselfs. 

Turkeys ti*avel about nine miles a day, during pleasant 
weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a 
grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket. 

Wet weather iz bad on a turkey— a good smart shower will 
drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho 
they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of 
tongs. 

The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiaiy 
called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense. 

I hav seen them blo^^ themselfs up with sentiments of 
pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung 
onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat 
for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them. 

The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho 
she had been abuzed bi sumboddy. 

Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on 



THE HOSSTRITCH. 181 

a churcli steeple, i liav known them tew roost all night on the 
top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees 
belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade throng! i 
the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph. 

P. S. — If you kant hav kran berry with roast turkey, apple 
sa.^s will do. 

THE HOSSTErrCH. 

The hosstritch iz a citizen oy the dessart, and lay an egg 
about the size oy a man's hed the next day after he haz been 
on a bumming excursion. 

They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters 
at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which in- 
habit their tails. 

The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a 
mile kluss to 3 minnitts. 

They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat or 
the sand hat<:hes them out. 

They ain't bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than 
a large-sized Agger 4 iz. 

I don't kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but 
i guess not for i neyer have seen ham and hosstritch eggs ad- 
vertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare. 

Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; 1 
think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called 
upon tew eat it. 

I shan't never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i re- 
main in mi right mind. 

If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country 1 
hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey 
buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could 
git along, and endure life. 

I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by 
guess, for i hav never seen them in their natifi' land, nor 
never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, 
and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don't mean tew 
hanker for hot sand. 



182 A2sIMATED XATUR. 

THE PARKOT. 

The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk. 

They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on liko 
a pair ov pinchers. 

They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the 
inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan 
learn tew swear the eazyest. 

They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless. 

In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but 
they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun. 

They resemble the border injun in this respekt. 

When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny 
thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits. 

I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave 
him away, i haven't seen the man I giv him to since, but i 
presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss. 

If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I 
would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with 
the provizo that they should stay thare. 

I don't make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov 
thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny 
kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up 
their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, 
displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants 
tew be took different from what it reads.) 

THE BOBAUNK. 

The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him. 

Thev make their appearanse in the northern states about 
the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once. 

They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a 
leetle damp. 

The female bird don't sing, for the male makes noize enuff 
for the whole family. 

They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly 
well. 



THE EAGLE.— NATRAL HISTOKY. 183 

When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a 
man's duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast. 

Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in 
one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class 
repeating the multiplikashun table all at once. 

THE EAGLE. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles ; they kan look 
at the sun without winking ; they kan split the clouds with 
their flashing speed ; they kan pierce the blu etherial away 
up ever so fur ; they kan plunge into midnight's blak space 
like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thous- 
and miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan 
tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not. 

Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate 
taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing. 

I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their 
native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov 
venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers. 



ISTATEAL HISTORY. 



IT is not the moste delitef ul task, tew write the natral his 
tory ov the Louse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred 
folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az 
pattent leather, to say louse, or even thinh louse, but a louse 
is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more 
unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The 
louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the 
liair, and are more ornamental than useful. 

jSTot having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi 
informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall 
be forced, while talking about the louse, " tew fight it out on 
the line" ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experi- 



184 ANIMATED NATUR. 

ence gives out, i shall tap mi ima^inashun, ov which i hav a 
crude supply. 

Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick 
out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make 
the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how 
enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum. 

Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn't lie around so loose az 
it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running 
yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov 
mineralogy. 

I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling 
cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them 
over and gitting them reddy for the pot. 

All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi 
moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a 
woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck. 

Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science 
ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and 
being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class. 

But all this iz remote from the louse. 

The louse iz a familiar animal, ver^^ sedentary in hiz habits, 
not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid 
ov a guide book, and wdth half a chance will multiply and 
thicken az much az pimples on the goose. 

Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov 
this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and 
while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and 
go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz 
playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the 
school mom. 

I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause 
i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, 
but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the 
days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on 
the flatt side ova slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with 
one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other. 

Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were 



NATRAL HISTORY. 185 

a complete suckcess at one time in Eg}'pt, bible historians 
don't hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that 
time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with, 
them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in 
the market. 

But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, 
and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain't spoke ov, az a 
matter tew brag on. 

The louse are all well emiff in their place, and for the sake 
ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more 
would be. 

They were desighned for sum wize pui-pose, and for that 
very reason, are respektabel. 

When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to 
us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel 
AVebster's head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the tele- 
graphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz 
brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shaiit stick up 
our noze, nntill we turn a back summersett, at these venera- 
ble soldjers, in the grand army ov progression. 

After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our 
cdukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and 
we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justissov the peace, 
for instance, and don't seem tew need enny more louse tew stir 
us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them. 

Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital crea- 
tion, that i aktually haU, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply 
disjpize snaiks,/^a?'musketoze,6^^wZ fleas, don't associate with 
the cockroach, go around toads, hach out square for a hornet. 

Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day 
of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on 
tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased 
up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and 
final) V cauo-ht and thro wed, and held firmly between hiz 
mothers kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn 
comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless 
hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse— 



186 



ANIMATED NATUR. 



and, in conclusion, to hear liim pop as mother pins him with 
her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck 
up to the brim with something, i don't know what the feeling 
iz ; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me. 



KATS. 

AK AT iz sed to liav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dent hav but 
one square deth. 
It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without 
the aid ov a koroners jury. 

I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat. 

If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over 




the fltnn wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all wiiitet 



THE HUM BUGG. 187 

under a sno bank, and dont tliaw out in the spring, and keeps 
quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when 
winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, *' that kat^' waz 
ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine. 

Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, 
that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed 
for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munnj 
to put into kats. 

They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the 
stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind. 

The Teller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain't reliable ; they 
are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a 
bad bust. 

Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood- 
house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets 
till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az the 
they must split. 



THE HUM BITGG. 



THE most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or 
enny other private individual) iz the hmn bugg. 

They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are 
born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a 
good soft spot. 

It haz been sed by comm^ontaters that Satan himself iz the 
father ov hum buggs — if this iz a fakt he haz got more chil- 
dren than he kan watch, and suna very fast yung ones amungst 
them. 

The hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, 
hut have the fackulty ov dicing in one place, and being sud- 
denly born in another. 

They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine 
and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whpre an honest bugg 
would starve to death beGrj^incr. 



18S ANIMATED XATUR. 

The hiiin bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and 
TMther than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole. 

Every one sez they dispize the hnm bngg and yet every 
boddv iz anxions tew make their acqnaintance. 

Thev hav the oiUra to all cirkles ov sosietv without knock- 
inc^ from the hig-he?t tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, 
are welcmned again and flattered more than ever. 

The hnm buirg haz more friends than he knows what to do 
with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheat- 
ing the whole of them. 

The Bible sez " the grasshopper iz a burden '' — and i be- 
lieve it — but i think the hum bugg iz the lieavyest bug ov 
the two. 

But the world kant well spare the Iium bugg ; take them all 
out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew 
ix'it a living, for thare doesn't seem, jist now. to be honesty 
ennff on liand to do our immense dry good bizzness with. 

Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but 
for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time. 

I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but 
not twice in the same spot — i follow the Skriptures when i 
am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one clieek, 
i turn him the other cheek also, but i don't let him bite the 
other cheek also. 

Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew 
be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near 
they can cum tew it without missing. 

Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist 
what hum bugg makes menny a wai-m meal oph ov. 

Sum ov theze bugg are not so shaq) bitten and pizen az 
others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun 
az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the in 11 
length ov their teeth. 

If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum 
buo-o" vet, he must be sumboddv who has always staid at home 
with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born 
numb all the way through, and couldn't feel any kind ov a 
bite. 



THE BUGG EEAH. 189 

If i shoTild hear a man brag tliat one ov these bugs covldroi 
bite him, I should set him do^vn at once for a man who wan't 
a good judge ov^ the truth. The bite of a 1mm bugg iz wuss 
than a hornet's, and always different from a dog's, for the dog 
growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you 
do the growling. 



THE BUGG BEAR. 



"Vr ATE AL History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az 
J-^ enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz — the 
buggbear. 

The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary ^^^ and iz hatch- 
ed by an imaginary process. 

They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good 
deal bigger than the thing that easts it. 

They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, tlie 
hugg and the Jea;', but generally turn out to be pretty much 
all bug. 

They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more 
you examine them, the smaller they grow. 

I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and 
grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back 
agin into the same hole they cum out ov. 

They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the big- 
gest when they are first born. 

They are common to all country s and all peoples, the phil- 
osophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben 
as badly skared by them. 

They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az fall ov devil- 
try az a jack lantern. 

Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side 
walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are 
alwus hunting for them. 



190 



ANIMATED NATUR. 

THE GAME CHICKEH. 



LO5 and behold the game rooster I 
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, 
and iz reddj tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on liiz 

feet like a piece ov 
ginger-root, with 
each f eacher fastened 
in its place. 

Hiz eje gleams in 
its socket like a sol- 
taire on the queen's 
linger. 

Iliz head iz like 
the snaiks head, and 
his beak shines like 
the point ov a dag- 
ger. 

"When he steps, he 
steps like a bunch 
ov kat gurt, and hiz 
crow iz like the 
yung injuns fust 
whoop on the war- 
path. Hiz plumage 
gives back the sun shine like the rubj and amethist, and hiz 
legs are all golden. 

Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers 
are clipped for the battle. 
Bring on the other rooster. 




THE GAME CHICKENc 



THE DLK. 

THE Buk iz a kind ov short legged hen. 
When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, 
in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple eass eazy te^ 
contend with. 



THE DUK. 191 

The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but 
their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the 
garden. 

Their foot iz like a small spider's web, only more substan- 
shiil bilt. 

They are amphipienss, and kan sale on the water az natral 
and eazy az a grease spot. 

They kan div in the water az handy az a bull frog, and 
never git water soaked. 

Water won't stay quiet on a duk's back no longer than 
quicksilver will whare it iz down hill. 

Diiks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their 
food without enny spoon. 

They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze 
they kan eat so mutch faster. 

Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natui', but civiliza- 
shun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them 
the companyuns ov man and old wimmin. 

Xext tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most 
ov her duks. 

The duk iz a good hand tew i-aze feathers, which groze 
all over their person simultanously without enny order. 

Tliare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny 
more feathers. 

Tliey shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and 
these feathers make a good, tuff bed. 

A duk's feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on. 

Men often call their wifes their ^* dear duksy^ this is on 
ackount ov their big bills. 

The duk don't kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk. 

They do a good deal ov quacking that don't amount tew 
mutch. 

Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin 
told whi. 

The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles ; 
for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their 
stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare ir 
on the outside ov an esr shel. 



192 ANIMATED NATUR. 

They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more 
appetight left. 

Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind 
leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards. 

Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they 
couldn't eat th^mselfs oph from their feet. 

Duks la eo:o:s, but don't la them around loose. 

Hunting duks' eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun. 

A man couldn't earn 30 cents a day and board himself, 
hunting duks' eggs. 

The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing. 

They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim 
right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild 
duk just waz. 

I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at 
once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a 
kamp meeting. 

I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, 
when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never 
injured enny duk, az i kno ov. 

I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move. 

Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay 
rite dovrn and giv it up. 

Thare ain't no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan 
outlimp a lame duk. 

Yu often hear the term " lame duV^ applied tew smn men, 
and perhaps never knu what it nient. 

Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums 
from. 



THE SANDY HILLCRAI^rE. 

THE crane iz neither fiesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur 
ov all theze thinn^s. 
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, look- 
ing for sumthing he haz lost. 

lie haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all 
over. 



MOKE SXAIKS. 193 

He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesuni az a 
lasts year's bird's nest. 

He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with 
hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs. 

He sleeps standing like a gide board, and smntimes tips 
over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a 
pik ax. 

When he flies thru the the air. he iz az graceful az a wind- 
mill, broke loose from its fastenings. 

Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supplv, 
np tew this date, just about ecjuals the demand. 

The crane iz not a good bird for diet ; the meat tastes liko 
iiijun rubber stretched tight over a clothes boss. 

I never hav et enny crane, nor don't mean to, nntill all the 
biled owl in the country givs out. 

I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it 
aint none ov mi bizzness — even a crane from Sandy Hill kan 
fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a 
kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner. 

I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, 
and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn't ne\'er tell 
exackjv what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov man- 
kind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew 
admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to 
say the least, a dredf ul smart job. 

Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a 
bread pill iz. 

Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this ; 
one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph ; and the 
other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing 
a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog. 



MORE SXAIKS. 

THE RATIXESNAIX. 

THE rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six 
feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a 
bi-nc.s, i:^t 



15M 



AXDIATED XATUP.. 



They jiav a pizon toolli, and a dedly uatiir. 
On the fiirtiier end ov their boddy tliey hav sum loose boues, 
which they kan play a tune upon, M'hich makes the noize 

from which they 
take their name 
from . 

Thare iz only one 
remidy for the bite 
ov a rattlesnaik that 
I kno ov, and that 
iz whisky. 

I have seen a 
man that had bin bit 
bi one, drink three 
quarts ov whisky, 
and be sober enutf 
all the time tewjine 
the sons ov t e m- 
pranse. 

I hope I never 
shall be bit bi a rat- 
tlesnai X, not so 
MORE sNAiKs. mutch ou ackonnt 

ov the snaik az on aekount ov the whisky. 

I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at oust would 
keep me drunk forevermore. 

The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog. 

I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketcli 
him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare 
mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole 
without saying grace. 

The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. 
They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woocIkok,and 
if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a 
mud hole and soaking the pizon ad out ov them. 

THE HOOP SNAEK. 

This remarkable snaix haz a funnv wav ov takimy their tail 




2kI0KE SNALX. 1-^5 

{n their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan 
travel a good gait. 

Thare iz a tradishnn that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, 
and iz ilied with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but 
I think this iz only a lie. 

Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it 
z a o-reat wonder to me that thev don't leave this world en- 
tirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan 
hav a fair show. 

I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop 
snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay 
Yure money tew^ see in the menagarie, and then take yure 
chances. 

The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe 
all yu hear, and more too. 

THE ANAKONDY. 

The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in 
length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and 
kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns oif. 

They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the 
forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole vil- 
lage in their wrath. 

The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He 
would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would 
be kut up into kord wood bi the natives. 

Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would 
make a lazy fire. 

THE GAKTER SNAIX. 

The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habib he haz 
ov slipping up a gentlemen's leg, and tieing himself into an 
artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee. 

This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known 
tew result in the deth ov the snaix. 

I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live 
snaix festooned around one ov my legs ; but then I am a ner- 



196 ANIMATED NATUR. 

V0U8 individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around 
on rao proiniskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly. 

I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a 
buaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him 
under the chin, and sich like. 

I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if 
1 couldn't git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever 
miself from the leg, and stirnip it the rest ov mi daze. 

But the more i reflekt upon theze things, tlie more i think 
the garter gnaix iz a mith — a kind of inexplicable thing, iudis- 
kribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the 
old, time-honored garter itself. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment 
in tlie garter. 

They liv in poetry and song, and are seldura seen. 

THE EEL SNAIK. 

The eel 8naix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food. 

They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle. 
and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot. 

They are much eazier tew git onto a liook than to git oph, 
for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie them- 
Bclfs and the finh line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas. 

I liad just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandy lion 
az an eel off from a hook. 

Fried eels ai*e sed tew be good, but 1 alwus hav tew shut at 
least one eye when I eat them. 

I don't know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but 
they are near enuff to suit me. 

THE SEE SAPcPEXT SXAIX. 

The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put 
in an appearanse yet. 

Thaj-e ain't but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 
times az yet. 

The fust time he was seen waz off Xahant, on the Amerikan 
shore, aad waz seen thare twice afterwards. 



MORE SNAIX. 191 

He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the 
knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next 
season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their 
rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral 
show. 

This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand 
feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log- 
hous. 

He mezzures one Inmdred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet 
from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phiu. 

He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, 
each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov 
fish for hiz daily support. 

He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him 
tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts. 

He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph 
ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred 
and thirty -six nots an hour. 

The crowned beds ov Europe would giv almost ennything 
if he would v-isit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerihin 
STiaix, and don't hav tew leave home. 

THE KOPPEE-HED SNAIX 

This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello 
colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modem 
whiskey. 

They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and 
are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt's notiss. 

They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and 
thare iz plzen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe 
ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied. 

I have killed them miself in the month ov August when 
they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would makeyu sea- 
sik tew look at them. 

I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper 
hed and then lay down and die ; it iz almost az unpleasant az 
being hung. 



198 



ANIMATED NATUIi. 



Snaix dnn a bad job for man in the gardin or Eden, and 
whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one 
ov thoze raisteiys which are a hard job for an unedukated 
man like me tew explain. 

I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power 
ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him 
into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous. 



THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 



THE BLU J AY. 

THE blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a 
jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn 

and eat it on a rail. 
They are a miste- 
rious bird, for I hav 
seen them solitary 
and alone in the 
wooded wilderness, 
one hundred mile^s 
from enny sighnsov 
eivilizashun. 

Az a means ov 
diet, they are just 
about az luxurious az 
a biled indigo bag 
would be, such az the 
washwimmin use 
tew blue their clothes 
with. 

The blujay haz no 
son g — t hey kant 
sing even " From Greenland's Icy Mountains ;" but i must 
sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold 
winter's morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at. 




THE BLUJAY. 



THE BLU JAY A^'D OTHERS. 199 

It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, 
Init when i ^v^it« their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity 
not to ]ie. 

THE QUAIL. 

The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the 
robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly. 

They hav no song, but whissell for musik ; the tune iz soli- 
tary and sad. 

They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in 
arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach 
acceptably, but if he hain't studdied quail on the wing, he 
misrht az well shoot at a streak ov lio^htnino^ in the skv az at 
a quail on the go. 

Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a 
champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi hum- 
ble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and suro- 
thing tew drink. 

I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk Hve days 
out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am 
a^ked to eat briled C[uail by a friend, with judishious accom- 
panyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile 
sweet acquiescence — in other words, I always quail before 
such a request. 

THE PATEIDGE. 

The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew druiii 
on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, 
watching the sportsmen. 

Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az 
a ghost iz. 

It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide lier yung brood 
when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be des- 
cribed and make enny boddy beleave it. 

The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either 
one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin 
bom thare. 



200 ANIMATED NATUR. 

Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and 
serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the 
ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and A mboy Eailroad 
87 1-2 per cent. 

I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and 
must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in 
mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding's glue. 

THE WOODKOK. 

The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git 
uo from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az 
bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork- 
skrew. 

Tliey feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most deli- 
kate things. 

They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather 
tender juices and tiny phood 

They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, 
and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az 
quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill 
pond. 

The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a whizz^ 
and the last thing a whurr. 

How so many ov them are killed or the wing iz a misteiy 
to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a 
red-hot stove. 

I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing 
one ov them yet. 

They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges 
think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers. 

THE GUIXA HEN. 

The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, 
and bigger than the wild pigeon. 

They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their beds, and 
alwas walk on the run. 

They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so 



THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS. 201 

mucli on the sly, that they often kan't find them theraselfs. 

They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff 
tew eat az a half-biled krow. 

They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two 
ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself. 

They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them 
the further they git oph. 

They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly 
good tew frighten away hawks. 

They will see a hawk up. in the sky three miles and a-half 
ofi", and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it, 

THE GOSLm. 

The goslin iz the old goose's yung child. They are yeller 
all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz 
wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster 
oil on the water. 

They are bom annually about the 15th ov May, and never 
waz known tew die natually. 

If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral 
and square deth, I wouldn't believe him under oath after 
that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose 
die. 

The goose are diflferent in one respekt from the human 
family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a 
goslin alwus grows tufier and more phoolish. 

I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, 
and he didn't look an hour older than one that waz 17. 

The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he 
swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, 
but only changes ends. 

The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet 
apples, hast}^ pudding, and biled kahbage, cooked potatoze, 
raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buck- 
wheat kakp.8 that are left over. 

'lie/ ain't so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and 
won't git mad and quit if they kan't hav wet toast and lam 
chops every morning for breakfast. 



202 ANIMATED NATUR. 

If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn't want ennT 
better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i 
kouldn't suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi 
kalling. 

Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov 
it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav 
got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside. 

I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum 
more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak 
empty with plate, and tells yu, " Mister, the roast goslin iz 



SMALL-SIZED YERMm. 



THE GEUE. 

THE grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, 
i never have saw a checkered grub so far. 

I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub. 

The gnib (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten 
log-s, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living. 

They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew. 

They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork. 

They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi 
a skrew-d river. 

They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free 
from anger az a tudstool. 

Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan. 

I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov 
April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down be- 
hind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, 
kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty 
seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov 
trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on 
the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleiuyer 



SZ^IALL-SIZED VERMIN. 



^03 



I liad rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be presi- 
dent ov the United States for the same length ov time. 

Thare may not be az mntch ambislnm in it, but thare iz 
a 2:lorv in it, az kra- 
zy, and az safe, az 
soda water. 

It don't take 
mutch tew make me 
happy, but it will 
take more munny 
than enny man on 
tliis futtstool, haz 
got, tew buy out the 
little stock I alwuss 
keep on hand. 

THE LADY BUG. 

The lady bug iz 
the most genteel 
vermin in market. 

They are spotted 
red and blak for col- vesmix. 

or, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don't look un- 
like a drop ov red sealing wax. 

They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and 
are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt 
skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans. 

The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them 
in their hands and then sing: to them the old nursery rime * 

^ Lady bug, lady bug, fly away home. 

Your house is on fire, and your children w ill roam.' 

Let them go, and suie enough the lady bug duz put for 
home in a grate hurry. 

The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster's unabridged 
dont tell us for what. 

Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what 
they waz built for, i dont blame the bug. 




204 AXI^IATED NATUR. 

I hav grate pliaith in enny thing that kreeps, krawls, or even 
s\'ic''orle3, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about 
the nsefulness ov bed bngs, musketoze, and striped snaix. i 
hav phaich that Divine Providence did not make them in vain. 

Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order. 

THE TPwEE-TUD. 

Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends ? If yu 
didn't, cum with me next July, and i will sho yu one. 

Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physi- 
kally they aint. 

They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, 
a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other. 

They are the only tuds that kan khmb with enny degree 
of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea- 
kittle when she is cooking water. 

Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a 
phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, 
and appearing exactly like the spot where they set. 

I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. 
They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold 
az the yelk ov an egg. 

The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles,but if they 
dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages. 

A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an 
ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song. 

They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov. 

THE PORKrPEN'E. 

The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck. 

They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf. 

They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a 
chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives. 

It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers 
like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood. 

An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he 



SMALL-SIZED VERMIN. 205 

would a phire brand, but vung dogs pitch into them like ur- 
chins into a sugar hogshed. 

The konsequeutz ov this iz they git their mouths philled 
with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out. 

A porkupine's quill when it enters goes klean thru and 
cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a war they 
hav got. 

The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork 
and beans with the beans left out. 

They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew. 

1 hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over 
on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their 
prickers a dozen ov them. 

I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny 
tew beleave it yet. 

Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill, it may be only a 
hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will 
hold. 



This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a 
hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov pro- 
porshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat. 

They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i 
waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the farther end ov 
the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the 
whole of the log. 

They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and 
look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave 
there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water. 

All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man 
now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat 
waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew 
intersect a devil's darning needle. 

They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys 
and their devilish appearance generally. (See 'Webster's 
unabridged on this subjekt. 



RAMRODS. 

THE liiglier up we git, the more we are watched — the roos 
ter on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more impor- 
tance, altho' he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard. 

If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in 
life iz more ova wonder tew them, than it iz to you. 

Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would 
be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody's 
barn. 

I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in 
bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk. 

Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal. 

A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided — it iz 
like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin. 

All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end 
it viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs 
renew a drawn battle, every time they meet. 

Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or 
havinii: a hi oftis hold us. 

If a man izfull ov himself, don't tap him, but rather plugg 
him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust. 

Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov 
necessity. 

The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart 
liaz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own. 

I f]on\ think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she 

206 



RAMKODS. 



207 



svas born blind, and i notisthem wlio win the oftenest, go it 
blind, too. 

It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man's advice, than 
hiz example. 

The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), 
all kno how pnrswa- 
siv the wife iz — espe- 
shily when she wants 
sumthing. 

I konsider a weak 
man more dangerous 
than a malishus one 
malishus men 
sum karacter, but 
weak ones don't have 
enny. 

I hav notissed one 
thing, that the most 
virtewous and dis- 
kreet folks we hav 
amungst us, are thoze 
who hav either no 
pashuns all, or verry 
tame ones — it iz a 



lav 




RAMRODS. 



grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. 

The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a 
millyun he iz a genius. 

Yirtew liaz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility. 

Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on ac- 
count ov their gravity. 

He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on hea- 
ven. 

Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more 
yu hunt them, the more the flea. 

Take the sellflshness out ovthis world, and thare would be 
more Imppeness than we should kno what to do with. 

When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy 



1^0.:? AFFUIUSMS. 

else, then we vote liim a pension for the rest ov liis days, by 
calling him a ^^ i)oor devil ^^ 

Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has 
its imposters. 

It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the lit> 
tie pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu 
kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness ; the 
openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the 
skin. 

When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, 
then we are in love in good arnest. 

If a man iz happy, he kan aflbrd to be poor and neglekted. 

Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and 
we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the elfekt cv 
interest az principle. 

It don't show good judgment to be surprized at eimy thing 
in this Vv'orld, for thare is nothing more certain than uncer- 
tainty. 

Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz 
susceptible tew llattery ; sum yu kan daub it on with a white- 
wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like 
the dew from flowers. 

Ever}' man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided 
it agrees with ours. 

Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and hum- 
ble before God. 

Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our 
mortality, if nothing else will. 

Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, butitiz the butt 
end ov it. 

If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, 
dee would not be half so attraktive. 

Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie 
evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuif tew ketch 
a fcx bi argument, we shouldn't hav to set a trap for him. 

Prosperity makes us all honest. 

Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz 
the father ov it. 



LOBSTIR SALLAD. 209 

A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a "svire-trap ; he 
don't seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how 
he iz going to get out. 

Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he 
swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morn- 
ing. 

Everyboddy's friend should be noboddy's confidant. 

Love iz like the meazles ; we kant have it bad but oust, and 
the latter in life we havit the tufferit goes with us. 

Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing 
60 hard to apply. 

Thare ain't but phew men who kan stick a white hanker- 
chef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat A\'ithout letting a 
attle ov it stick out — just bi acksident. 



LOBSTIR SALLAD. 



ASLAXDER iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the 
fust bio, yu better not strike at it. 

Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs. 

I make this distinkshun between charalder and reputashun 
— reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, cbarakter iz 
what the world knows ov us. 

What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt 
for peace and quiet. 

Xo man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting 
lies. 

Anxiety ahvus steps on itself. 

Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe. 

Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont 
brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy. 

It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good luck 
often makes ^famous one. 

Opinyuns are like other vp,oretables, worth just what they 
will fetch. 



210 ArFUPJSMS. 

I think most men had rather be charged with maJice than 
with making a blunder. 

Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a 
fool sober, and a wize man frisky. 

I don't beleaye in total deprayity, every man haz sumthing 
in him to show that God made him. 

I suppoze that one reazon ^yhi the '•' road to ruin " iz broad, 
iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun. 

I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than 
tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else — for i think i 
like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofausj. 

A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz 
blowed up, and then ain't good for nothing after it iz pricked. 

A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius — if a man's 
genius lavs in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one. 

Vanity iz seldom malishous. 

A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word. 

Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would 
find fault with the whole blassted consarn — put a Yankee in, 
and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage — put 
an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing — put 
a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it. 

"When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are 
getting it, call him a phool. 

Men mourn for what they hav lost — wimmin, for what 
they hain't got. 

I judge ov a man's virtew entirely bi his phashions — it iz 
a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent. 

Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how 
honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the 
extent ov hiz A^anity. 

A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line. 

Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn't well afford to make 
us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings. 

Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur ; there 
ain't no human natur in a man's head. 

Friendship iz simply the gallantry of seK interest. 



MOLLASSIS KANDY. 211 

Beware ov the man with half-shut ejes — he ain't dreaming. 

Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones. 

Ad^^ce iz a drug in the market ; the supply alwus exceeds 
the demand. 

One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ot iz to 
be a good listener. 

Fools are the whet-stones ov society. 

Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend. 

Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum. 

Thoze who bocum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, 
musn't forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a 
long time before they will forgit the world. 

Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz 
talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, never- 
theless, to wit, verily, amen. 

"Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffiing 
is only a weakness in phools. 

I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than 
it can show. 

Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the 
" wimmins' rights bizzness," then i am going to take mi hat 
under mi arm and jine the procession. 

Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze 
we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to. 

Praize that ain't deserved iz no better than slander. 

There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural 
ones the common, every day phool, and the daghm phooL 



MOLLASSIS KANDY 



THAKE iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollas- 
sis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz al- 
wus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it. 

I don't kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, 
on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every 



chance he kan git 



212 



ATFUKISMS. 



Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan't 
hav but one, give me the abuse. 

ITine men, out ov every 10, that ju meet in Xew York 

City, are in a grate 



hurry, and are either 
mad, petulant, or 
sassy, and the reazon 
iz they are all ov 
them in pursuit ov 
munny, and only one 
out ov 10 gits it. 

Xext tew the man 
who iz wuth a milh 
yun, in point ov 
wealth, iz the man, 
who don't kare a 
kuss for it. 

A reputashun for 
happiness needs az 
mutch watching az 
a reputashun for 
honesty. 

When JU strike ile, 
stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all 
the ile run out at the bottom. 

I hav spent c, large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and 
praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, 
and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same 
bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole 
thing i^ kontained in this passage, " the devil take the hind- 
Qnosf'^ 

Success don't konsist in never making blunders, but in 
never making the same one the seckond time. 

He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky 
when he gits it. 

While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, 




MOLLASSIS KANDY. 



after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys. 



1 



M0LLAS6IS KANDY. 213 

Tbare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the lad- 
der in this world, if we reach the utmost roundj then we 
moura bekauze the ladder aint longer. 

Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whj 
it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us. 

When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov tlie thfag, 
he haz got a grate deal more virtcw in him, than he iz aware 
ov. 

The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a 
big beam in hiz brothers. 

Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint 
got, but what we hav got less than others. 

The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not 
pervert, iz hiz consilience. 

Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the re- 
sult ov being dissatisfied with oui*selfs. 

Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew 
make a reputashnn hi hiz personal appearance, just in that pro- 
porshun, he iz a dead beat. 

Early genius iz like early cabbage, don't head well. 
It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a 
ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5 ; i found this out more than 
7 years ago. 

Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi let- 
ting go, tew spit on hiz hands. 

Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo. 
About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an 
obituary notiss. 

Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones. i 

I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens. 
The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz 
it more out of pride of himself, than love for her. 

If a man haz got SO thousand dollars at interest, and owns 

the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher. 

The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho 

us, what kussid phools every boddy but we^ hav made ov 

themselfs 



214 AFFURISMS 

Whiskey, and onions combined, are gx>od for a bad breth. 
The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who 
iz alwus honest with himself. 

I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it 
haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life. 

Life ain't long enuff for enny man tew kno himself. 

Virtew don't konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in 
the control ov them ; — a man without enny pashuns iz sim- 
ply az virtewous az a graven image. 

One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, 
iz a sharp tutch ov the billy us kolick. 

Shai-pers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaint- 
ance. 

Don't forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand peo- 
ple in tliis world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu. 

Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az polite- 
ness, and none more profitable. 

Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this 
world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being 
witty that we claim for ourselfs. 

Thare are a grate mennv excuses that are wuss than the 
offence. 

Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful, — be thank- 
ful, and yu are sure tew be happy. 

He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very danger- 
ous man. 

Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be 
alwus in a hurry. 

Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur. 

A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with 
ennything. 

Common sense is the favorite daughter of Keason, and 
altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a 
time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov 
her buty. 

Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and chang- 
ed with grater. 



PUDDIN AND MILK. 215 

The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, 
iz death. 

Silence iz one ov the hardest arsruments to refute. 



PUDDIX AXD MILK. 



LOTE iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in 
love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan. 

The raiser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and 
what he leaves behind him he never had. 

Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while 
natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient. 

Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take. 

Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan ofier an 
other, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been 
torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all 
the pity tliare iz on the upper side ov the earth — pity iz 
nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great 
deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so. 

Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she 
will run after you. 

Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing ? 

If i was a going to paint apikter of Faith, Affection and Hon- 
esty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin 
his tail. 

The devil iz a mean kuss ; he never keeps hiz own prom- 
ises, but alwus makes us keep ours. 

Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive. 

There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price 
for az they do for repentance. 

Laws are made, customs grow — laws hav tew be executed, 
customs execute themselves — laws begin where customs end. 

Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words. 

Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster 
now living iz a monkey ; he makes a pun on a louse fortjr 



times a day hi skratching liiz head. 



216 AFPURISMS. 

The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew know], 
edge iz a byeway. 

Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew. 

I don't know ov a better kure for soitow than tew pity 
sum boddy else. 

Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan 
git brightened by it, not ground. 

We shouldn't forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee 
simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed 
may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked 
out. 

Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice. 

Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill 
it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket 
during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz din- 
ner. 

I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had 
plenty to dew, and did it. 

Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man 
his due, without robbing yourself. 

Natur iz jist az honest az a cow. 

Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew 
make the company suspekt you — i mean suspekt yu ov know- 
ing a grate deal more than yu aktually do. 

If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Xu York 
citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav 
tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from commit- 
ting suicide. 

People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally 
more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, 
when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, " thare 
ainH no hope for him^^ i tell him he ought tew know awl 
about it, and i guess iz more than half right. 

What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch 
advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove them- 
eelves. 

Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be 
proud but lie let sin beat him out of hiz birthrisrht. 



PLUM PITS. 217 

A crDwing hen and a cackling ruseter are very miefortunate 
poultry" in a family. 

Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more 
uppercrust than liimself will find the woman more anxious 
tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him 
up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level. 

Titles are valuable ; they make us acquainted with menny 
persons who othe-'vise would be lost amung the rubbish. 

Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew ca^ts. 

Habits are like the wrinkles on a man's brow, if yu will 
smoothe out the or e i will smoothe out the other. 

It iz a darned si z:ht eazier tew find six men who kan tell 
exactly how a thii g ought tew be did than tew find one who 
will do it. 

Marrvinor for monev iz a meaner wav tew 2rit it than coun- 
terfiting. 

Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hunw iz taking it hi 
the end ov the tul. 

The miser w^j heaps up gains teAv gloat over iz like a hog 
in a pen fatted for a show. 



PLUM PITS. 

IT iz a grate art to kno how tew listen. 
This seems to be about the way it iz did : When we are 
yung, we ru7i into difikultys, and when we git old, we fall 
into them. 

Love seems tew hav this efiekt, it makes a yung man sober, 
and an old man gay. 

Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az 
a miller duz, till by-aiid-by they dive into it, and then what a 
burnt coquet and miller we hav. 

It ain't bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so 
often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up. 

I don't kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if 
they ever do, they don't kno it. 



218 



AFFURISMS. 



About the last thing a man diiz tew korrekt hiz faults 13 
tew quit thera. 

I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love 
as to see a drtndy. 

The Vv'immen o:ight tew ketch all them phellows who part 
their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on 
them. 

The chief end ov woman, now daze 

PULLED 



OUT A nm 



seems tew be to wear 
new silk clothes, and 
t.,ie chief end ov 
i^ian seems to be 
to pay for them. 

^Vbout all that this 
fax' famed Philos- 
ophy kan teach us, iz 
tew suffer pain, and 
not own it, and it 
seer, IS to hav reach- 
ed ytie hight of its 
amb^shun when it 
couj ts sorrow, for 
the ,4ike ov being a 
martyr. 

Pure ignoranse, 
after all, iz the best 
alloy for vanity, for 
a vain phool iz quite 
harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun 
in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us. 
There iz nothino: that a man kan do that should cut him off 
from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle 
him to commiseraslmn. 

Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their 
money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use. 
If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, 
if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys. 

I think opportunity s are made full az often az they happen. 




PLUM PITS. 21d 

I hav often bad grave doubts, whicb waz ov tbe most im- 
portance, tbe bustle ov men or the hurrv ov pissmires. 

It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are be 
low us with pitty, than tew look upon tlioze who are abuv us, 
without envy. 

Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see 
lioze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enufi 
tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they hamt 
got sense enuff tew be good. 

The man who don't kno himself iz a |X)or judge ov the 
other phellow. 

Envy iz suteh a constant epmpanyun, that if we find no one 
abuv us to envy, we will en^ y thoze below us. 

Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a 
frivilous yung one at 60. 

Thare iz no servitude in lifi> so oppressive az tew be obliged 
tew flatter thoze whom we doa't respekt enuff to praze. 

Wit, without sense, iz like tt razor without a handle. 

We mingle in sosiety. not so mutch tew meet others aa to 
eskape ourselfs. 

The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless 
themselfes, but who think ot. ei-s are. 

To meet death without betEj^ying enny emoshun iz tew be 
simply az courageous az a bettct. 

Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in 
this world — persekuted for the devil's sake iz not so common. 

Don't be afrade. yung man, tew make a blunder once in a 
while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest. 

I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blun- 
ders, but 1 don't luv them. 

I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while 
weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt 
tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces. 

I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel thut i 
have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew 
every man living. 

The greatest blessing that the great and good God cau 
bestow on enny human being iz humility 



220 AFFURISMS. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin ; but the poetry and 
the gin, both ov them, are kiissid poor. 

Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the coun- 
try, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf 
a little ; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon 
aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertise- 
ments onto. 

How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to 
korrekt it by kussing snmboddy else for it. 

I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism ; i beleave in let- 
ting every man light hiz rooster hiz own way. 

Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed ; the man who 
owns the carriage and the man^who drives it seem tew have 
it just alike. 

If we giv up our minds tew httle things we never shall be fit 
for big ones. I knew a man op.ce who could ketch more liies 
with one swoop ov his hand thjn enny boddy else could, and 
he want good at ennything els^. 

Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and 
wanting what yu hav. % 

Fortune sumtimes shows us lie way, but it iz energy that 
achieves suckcess. | 

The ricliest man in the worll is the one who dispizes riches 
the most. 

Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to l<izy^ 

ness. 

Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often 
allows them to take her by the hand. 

Avai-ice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a 
mixtur. 

Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy. 

Seki^ts are like the meazles— they take eazy and spred eazy. 

The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and 
the hardest^hing for us to diskover in ourself s, iz that we are 
growing old. 

We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most 
alwavs a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures. 



CHIPS. 



221 



The heart rules the hed, bekaiize the pashiins mle the judge- 
ment. 

Advice iz like kissing — it don't kost notliing, and iz a pleaz^ 
ant thing to do. 

One ov the most diffikiilt, and at the same time one ov the 
most necessar}', things for us old phellows to know, iz tliat we 
aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz. 



CHIPS. 

DONT mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes 
are often on the lookout sideways. 
- It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another 
thing te^'Jind them. 

•• It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples 
ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for 
others tew foller. 

'• Eumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, 

and then ashes. 

" The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss 
than abuse ; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than 
tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend. 

" Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys ; a flag ov truce ; to the 
righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss. 

^'' K you are looking after happiness don't take the turn- 
pike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, 
and find it less crowded and dursty. 

'- Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, 
but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain t 
l>erfekt without a good deal ov sugar. 

'- Pwules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted 

citty. 

""^Hipoki-asy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, yu 
might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, 
or the grease out ov fat pork. 



222 APFURISMS. 

"A witt}' writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no 
distinktion between a friend and a foe. 

^'About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov 
gitting tii'ed ov oui-selfs. 

" Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man 
could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him. 

'' He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-indaw ov 
Divine Providence. 

"Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time 
after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long 
before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living. 

'^ Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on. it iz 
like sending them down cellar without enny handle tew larn 
them tew see in the dark. 

'' Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing hap- 
pens by acksident awl things may ; Heaven haz no beureau 
ov acksidents. 

" We should be kerf ul how we encourage luxurys, it iz but 
a step forward from hoe-oake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile 
and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go l^ack 
agin. 

" Smiles and t€ars cum from the same fountain, and az the 
showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden 
the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul 
cheerful. 

" Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) 
among the lowly az among the ritch ; the poor devil with a 
whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and 
the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts 
up and down the alley. 

" We only love them that we fear. This may be only one 
of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now. 

" The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be 
envyed, nor so poor az to be danmed. 

" Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need I cer- 
tainly ; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow. 

" Just praize iz the vemakular ov good deeds. 



KOARSE SHOT. 



223 



grate 



" Whare thare iz grate virtue, tliare must hav bin 
vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what 
haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at tliat. 

" Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov 
boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst." 



KOAESE SHOT. 

TTTHEXEYEE, yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the 
V T jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job. 

The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor 
originals. It iz a 
grate deal eazier tew 
be a ])hilosopher af- 
ter a man haz had a 
warm meal than it 
iz when he don't 
kno whare he iz a 
going tew git one. 

Most men lament 
their condishun in 
life, but thare are 
but phew, after all, 
who are superior to 
it. 

To never dispair 
may be God like, 
but it ain't human. 
Affektashun looks 
well in a monkev. 

Tricing tew de- koarse shot. 

fine love iz like tricing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru 
the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got ducked. 
The prinsipal importaDse ova mistery iz the rnistery itself 




224 AFFURISMS. 

What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that nobo^. 
dy ever saw one. 

The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the 
money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv 
on the principle, but on the accumulashmi, and transmit the 
principle unimpaired. 

A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one. 

It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real pos^ 
sessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it. 

Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch in 
iquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew 
their numbers. 

A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a pbool 
so little, az when alone. 

Avarice iz az hungry az the grave. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like 
jewellr}^, more for ornament than use. 

I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the efiekt 
ov konstitushun than ov principle. 

About the best thing that experience kan teach ns iz tew 
bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure. 

Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless. 

Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this 
world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the 
axis. 

Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too 
proud ov the job. 

I think thare iz az menny old ])hools in the world, az tharo 
iz yung ones, and thare iz this difterence between them, the 
yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones 
never do. 

The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no 
check, would end in their destrukshun. 

A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package. 

A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and 
hated in heaven. 

The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan 
lay hiz hands on, and ofives nothino; back. 



KOARSE SHOT. 225 

Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty-^ 
it' it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence — 
if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got 
one single virtew left. 

Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man 
who eees yure wife, ha-s got just about az mutch stock in her 
az yu hay. 

Hope YL the germ, Faith the blossom, and Charity the 
fruit. 

Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter 
enemy —the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us 
ori. 

Whenever vu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure 
sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu haye found a friend 
indeed. 

When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew 
him than i will to a country cur who barks at me ; this will 
make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs. 

Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, 
it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable. 

Thare ain't mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good 
deal ov phisick in phun. 

Men will forgit injurys eazier than konterapt ; they had 
rather be hated than not noticed. 

I hay bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i 
find it is largely made up ov grunts, groans and growls^ varied 
with hvffs^ hoots^ and howls. 

I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good rea 
zons for it. 

About the empty est thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, witli 
nothing in it — it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole. 

The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watcliing, for the 
chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples 
misfortunes. 

It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making 
everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you. 

Tlie man whom fororivness wont humble iz a brute. 
lot 



226 ATFURISMS. 

SLIPS OF THE PEN. 

THE wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience— ednka. 
shun don't improve it. 

If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed 
him high on oats — it iz jiss so with mankind. 

Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what 
bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew f oiler, and 
then stick him at it while he iz limber — men alwus pole vines 
before they begin tew run mutch. 

The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git 
into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels 
by not tuching it, but I kant. 

The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are 
raized— one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking 
and scratching than a dnzen duz. 

It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make 
money by telling the truth— it iz aktually an evidense ov 
genius. 

It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug's tail that shines ; 
it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant— it iz 
jist so with virtew. 

Nussing revenge iz like nussing a ^mng hedgehog — the 
older he grows, the sharper hiz quills. 

The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock — 
hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and 
grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works 
that are inside ov him. 

Most ov the epitafi's on the tombstuns read like gideboards 
tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would 
take the wrong road. 

Most people travel to see and be seen ; but few to compare. 

Fools are telling us (confiden sally) " that tinie ^^ short y" 
but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch 
az it duz in the length ov the fools. 

Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen ; old 
people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and 
bolted. 



SLIPS OF THE TEN. 227 

The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing 
tew quit it when the bell rings. 

Time iz like a fair wind — if we don't set our sails, we looze 
that breeze forever. 

We are often ridikuled for telling old trutlis. The 10 com- 
mandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth ; but 
who f oilers them "i 

Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i 
would respekfully ask, if he ain't a ded beat ? Iz thare a 
single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the 
halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass ? 

Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same 
thing az being born agin. 

**Xecessity iz the mother ov invenshun," and PaMerit 
Wright iz the father. 

It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway 
yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage boss in New 
York citty whoze heart wasn't dead broke. 

Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain ; and 
even that ain't always a safe investment. 

Eumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what 
it kan pick up. 

The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav 
bin won by the rod and the katechism. 

The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in 
this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums 
tew git up, the lamb will be missing. 

Chastity iz like glassware — too much frost in it makes it 
more brittle. 

Yirtew, backed up by courage, iz the pei*f ekshun ov human 
natur. I don't reckon mercy nor pity always amung the 
virtews ; they are often only amable Aveaknesses. Justis iz 
the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn't hav enny 
mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish ; neither would i hav a 
man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, 
that it iz virtew that ails him. 

Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom ! ! — freedom 



22S AFfURISMS. 

to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins ! I 
had rather be a widdower once in 2 3'ears, reglar, than tew he 
a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days. 

The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dim- 
bar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin 
her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in 
one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain't had the raeazles yet ; 
he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, 
who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz IS years 
old, in crossing a korn-field ; the pimkin-vines took after him 
and smothered him to death. 



GLASS DIMOZS-DS. 



IF we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the 
good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove 

than admire. 

The best specimens ov calm resignasbun tew their fate that 
I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an 
inkum ov 4^3 thousand dollars a year, less government tax. 

Diogenes and Sencx^a were two az grate philosophers az the 
world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in 

a palace. 

Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing 

what others kant git. 

Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and 
it would bother menny ov us tew git a Hving. 

Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelhng around loose, but 
no one ever saw one yet. 

Honesty \z like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git 
it, ^lic dien work harder to keep it. 

I ?A\v\is git ray boots made hi the shumaker that other shu- 
makers praze. 

Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart. 

1 hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun tiiat 
the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous. 



GLASS DIMONDS. 



1-29 



Here iz just what's the matter— if yu shut yureself up folks 
will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shur 
themselfs up, 

Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az 
tharc iz between the 
ile and the essence 
of peppermint. 

It iz a £Af e kalku- 
lashun that the more 
praze a man iz wil- 
ling to take, the less 
he desen'es. 

Thare iz but phew 
people in this world 
underrated. 

Honesty iz the 
only aristokrasy that 
i ackno w e 1 e d g e ; 
an honest man iz al- 
wus a well-bred man 
and a gentleman. 

Politeness iz not 
only the most power- glass dimonds. 

f ul, but the cheapest argument I kno ov. The more wrinkles 
i kan see in a man's face the better i like it, provided a smile 
lays in each one ov the gutters. 

The philosophers tell us that ''natur abhors a vacum.^* 
This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens beds. 

Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes 
menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them 
tew sosiety. 

If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz 
gone in a minnit. 

"We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows am ung our 
nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with. 

Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the 
world kan afford tew liav liv in solitude. 




230 AFFURISMS. 

If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he 
would be happy here, he would be so lonesum. 

It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew 
follow it duz. 

Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes 
sum most brilliant hits. 

Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three. 

He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it. 

Ridikule that ain't true haz no partikular power. 

I wouldn't giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all tho 
fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur. 

Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a 
good deal ov nussing. 

No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessf ul now days, 
unless it haz got a good orkestra in it. 

Hope iz a thoughtless jade — she often cheats us, but she 
haz no malace. 

When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well in- 
vested, but az i get older i cypher different. 

God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them 

Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together. 

Ambishun tew shine in eveiything iz a sure way tew put a 
man's kandell all out. 

Man's make up iz ov natur and custom, and i donH kno 
which ov the two iz the most powerfullest. 

A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he 
iz both. 

Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness ; 
our bad luck we giv the gods credit for. 

Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan 
tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor. 

Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous. 

I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times 
before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth 
listening to. 

It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man's karak- 
ter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage. 



JEWS HARPS. 231 

It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short ; 
this shows that the fault ain't in the amiinishun. 

Thare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like 
a baloon, are willing tew cum down like a chunk. 



JEWS HAEPS. 

A GENTLEMAN iz a gentleman the world over, — loafers 
differ. 

Benevolence iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human 
kindness. 

CJouRAGE without discretion, iz a ram witli horns on both 
ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to. 

Hunting after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep 
in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz 
a skeleton. 

A DOG iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than 
he luvs himself. 

Thare iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure 
buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornetj 
who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at. 

Old friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest. 

Lies are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call 
a man '^ Father," when he least expekts it. 

All money that iz well spent, iz a good investment. 

If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let 
our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more 
souls saved. 

Before i would preach the gospel az some ministers are 
obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Neb- 
udkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew grass to. 

Contentment is the vittles, and drink ov the soul. 

Did ya ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze 
father could with justiss, brag about hiz son ? 

The safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility. 



232 AFFURISMS. 

The man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angl& 
worm, never gits far away from hiz hole. 

A BRILLIANT blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best 

hits. 

Tyranny iz often changed, but never destroyed. 

Sucking a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal 
like trieing tew liv on buty. 

I NEVER knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt 
o«ravitv nor a trulv wize man, whoze face was not al wus cocked 
and primed, for a laugh. 

Prudery iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed. 

New York citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phu- 
neral procession, unless yu have got the fassest boss. 

Truth, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness. 

A POMPOUS man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure mal- 
ice tew^ pi-ick him. 

The money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal 
alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest. 

PiTTY costs nothing, — and aint w^orth nothing. 

"What men kant do, they are apt to admire,— they dont 
criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one. 

Poverty is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all 
ov ns dread, but none ov us pitty. 

Thare iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfor- 
tunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting. 

It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav 
committed, but tew repent ov thoze w^iich we intend to com- 
mit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days. 

I thank God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy 
else iz happy, i am sure to be. 

Most men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, hi follow 
ing the lay ov the ground. 

In youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs 

into us. 

" Times ain't az they used tew be " — this haz bin the sol- 
ium, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy 

Secrets are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate 



TAD POLES 235 

them, vn loze them, and if yu keep them, vu ]oze the inter- 
est on the investment. 

Peksecuted for the Devil's sake, iz what sinners git for 
their allegiance. 

Soi people won't beleave enny thing they kant prove ; 
the things i can't prove, are the very things i beleave the most. 

PRroE never shows itself more disgustingly than in the 
pomp ov a phnneral. 

Happiness iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from 
labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer. 

Good examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they 
kan enakt. 

The devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that 
ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total 
depravity, or he wouldn't hav undertook tew tempt the 
Saviour. 

A ^'gentleman about town," iz one who pays cash for 
everything except hiz debts. 

Money iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins. 

A pedant iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam 
broth ov literature, and then pi<:ks hiz teeth in the society ov 
the learned. 

Thare iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize 
men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the 
only thing that will make a phool feel respektable. 

When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the welL 
fair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who 
iz hunting for a misfortune. 



TADPOLES. 

ONE ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt 
ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never 
reddy. 

Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obey- 
ing them. 



234 



AFFURISMS. 



I snppoze we never shall kno in this life liow big a phool a 
man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants 
and vanities gratified. 

When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishan, vanity, 
and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for 
A Christian. 

Ynng man, larn tew listen ! — i don't mean at a key -hole. 

Thare iz plenty 
ov happiness in this 
life if we only knu 
it : and one way tew 
find it iz, when we 
hav got the old ru- 
matiz tew thank 
Heaven that it aint 
the old gout. 

Men are blamed 
for sticking their 
noze into things; 
but it iz the only 
way a dog tracks out 
hiz game. 

The man who kan 

live in idleness sue- 

cessfully, must 

either be too pure or 

TADPOLES. too lazy to commit 

enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati ; 

sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite. 

Inkredulity iz the wisdum ova phool ; it iz only a wize man 
who kan afford tew be credulous. 

Prejudice iz a hous plant which iz very apt tew wither if 
yu take it out doors amungst pholks. 

The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty 
well. 

What iz the next wust thiug tew lieing ? Gitting ketched 
at it. 




TADPOLES. 235 

I am SO phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if 
a man whom i bad never seen nor heard ov should su me for 
a debt ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn't kompound with 
him for fiftv, i would pay the whole rather than defend the 
suit. 

I hav noticed this diffrence between people — thare is sorn.e 
who are not az big phools as they look. 

Most authors in wiiting neglekt their punktuashuns, espesh- 
liy the full stop, 

I hav seen pholks so melankoUy and so gloomy that they 
wouldn't admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this 
world, not even tew a nu haff dollar. 

If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle 
and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword 

Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like 
the money he gits by hard knoxs. 

I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and appa- 
rently braneless bed — but i hain't seen all the bigots, yu know. 

Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide 

Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness. 

He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not 
only a wize man, but a good one. 

Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage^ 
and wants a heap ov watching. 

The malice ov the world ain't hafF so dangerous az its flat- 
terys. 

If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may 
snap at mi heels. 

Tricing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing 
tew stop up a rat hole with sand — the rats will soon dig out 
sum whare else. 

A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered 
that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, 
" That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me."* 

Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare 
iz but one real preventative, and that iz — tew be vacksinated 
with deaf and dumbness. 



236 AFFURISMS. 

Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but 
one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and 
drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides. 

We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. 
We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we 
would shudder at a 10 dollar bill. 

Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that 
makes me like him so mutch. 

Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don't phur- 
nish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sum- 
thing wuss ; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap 
dogs and sick monkeys. 

Poverty iz the step mother ov genius. 

Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, 
and who purrs when he talks ; he iz a kat in disguise. 

It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles 
on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 
cents, wh'tch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I've forgot what it 
waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a 
year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got 
beat every time. 

When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz 
goul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal 
pashuns, 

Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which 
we have tew pay the highest price. 

Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner. 

" Time iz money ^'' — menny people take this saying in its 
literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it. 

Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes — two 
dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful. 

Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red 
eum authors who were too original tew be interesting. 

Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare 
never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates 
with them. 

If a man iz very bizzy he kantbe very sorrowful, nor very 
viscious. 



PEPPEE PODS. 237 

If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz 
the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz muniiy — a mere 
pimp tew hiz welth. 

One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor 
and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury. 

1 don't think the world Iiaz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant 
wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the — hic<yuj)S. 

Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute. 

The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal 
line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, andbranes, 
are in order. 

Justiss now daze aint worth what it hosts. 

I've seen men so fun-proof that yukouldn't fire a joke into 
them with a dubble-barreled gun. 

Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in every- 
thing, that when thej^ eat pork and beans, they want the pork 
one day and the beans the next. 

If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that 
ever lived, i would say it waz him who never told a lU. 

The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizz- 
ness, iz making money. 

Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse 
in this world, even a pauper looks fonvard tew the day ov his 
phuneml az the time that he haz got tew be notissed. 



PEPPEPw PODS. 



JF JVL hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz gen- 
erosity, if ju hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew 
hiz back. 

A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their 

minds, who hadn't got enny minds when they war at home; 

knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and tlien spred. 

Afiickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew 

the virtewous. 



238 AFFURISMS. 

Noboddy but a pliool will spend hiz time trieing tew con 
vince a phooL 

Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the 
further we make it go. 

The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy 
politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking. 

Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered 
at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the proN'ince ov 
men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment. 

He who spends hiz younger days in disapa&hun iz mortgag- 
ing himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable 
creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take 
possession ov the premises. 

Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew 
perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake 
tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. Moral : 
studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice. 

Young man don't marry abuv or below yure rank, not 
that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custoin 
in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel. 

Let hira go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who 
had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him 
agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for 
that rabbit ever since. 

The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys 
. — digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz 
the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and 
sleep well, and yet are sick all the time — theze are the folks 
who alwus enjoy poor health. 

If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if 
yu don't strike back he iz }iire debtor, and alwus owes yu a 
crack. 

A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good 
deal like a hen's eg^ that haz been sot on for a short time, 
and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out 
^nnythiiii^. 



PEPPER PODS. 239 

^^ Peiyple ov good sen^e^^ are thoze whoze opinjuns agree 
with ours. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big 
citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a 
gold spoon. 

The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and wor- 
ship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe. 

Experience don't make a man so bold az it duz so careful. 

Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik ; 
it iz stifi from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like 
a sled stake. 

Thare ain't but very little ginowine good sense in this 
world enny how, and what little thare iz ain't in market, it 
iz held for a dividend. 

Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a Hfe ov 
enjovment -will find the following recipee a grate help tew 
them : " To one ounce ov jpUzzure add a pound ov repent- 
ance.'''' 

Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and 
strenofthens our virtew — even a bov never feels half bo orood 
az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool. 

Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yn know 
in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that 
under every man's knose whom yu meet. 

Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about 
yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and 
az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how. 

Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living 
with her iz the proze ; and this iz all well ennff if the taste ov 
the poetry hain't spilte our relish for the proze. 

The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissa- 
pointment. 

The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he 
haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children 
?mnng them. 

Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top. ail in the mid- 
dle, and settlings at the bottom. 



240 APFURISMS. 

We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze 
ice. liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the 
bystanders. 

Men, if they ain't too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, 
and destroy the time a good deal az follows : the fust 30 
years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckand 30 
they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns 
hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throw- 
ing bizzness, and missing the rumatizz. 

This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for 
sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashnn az 
going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a 
sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a 
cow tew back up and be milked. 



HOOKS & EYES. 

TH AEE are people who dont do ennything but watch their 
simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav 
seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a 
board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn't 
cum out. 

The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any 

good. 

The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in ex- 
pectancy. 

After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we 
either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better 
than to be dispised. 

Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they 
kant tell the truth without lieing. 

Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew 
speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind 
liiz back. 

I am rather favourably impressed with Gin and MUk, az an 



HOOKS & EYES. 



241 



extrakt, and think a minister ov tlie gospel mite contend with 
sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to rec- 
komend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he 
knows hiz people better than i do. 

A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiflf 
country out ov hiz 
mind, but he never 
kan out ov hiz heart. 

I d o n't suppoze 
thare haz ever lived 
in this world, a man 
who haz improved 
the whole ov hiz op- 
portunity and abili- 
tys. 

Wimmin quite 
often possess supe- 
rior tallents, but their 
genius lays in their 
pashuns. 

Love haz a most 
vorashus appetight, 
but a poor digestion, 
what it feeds o n 
most alwus distresses 
it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew 
pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno 
az we are obliged tew let them kno it. 

Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble. 

The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz 
no room for suspicion. 

Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the 
most phoolish things. 

It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just 
so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long 
az they kan git enny thing else. 

The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don't 
kare if he sprung from a dungliill. 16t 




HOOKS AND EYES. 



242 AFFURISM8. 

Thare iz no better evidence ov vdsdum than tew beleave 
what we kant understand. 

Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb. 

When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. 
When we are old, too seldum. 

Thare aintno people in this world who makes so menny 
blunders az thoze who don't beleave " that enny good thing 
ever came out ov Xazareth." 

We lay all of our bad Ink tew sum boddy else, but our suc- 
cesses we giv ourself kredit for. 

Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az 
unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant. 

A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov 
molla^sis kandy that haz half melted. 

Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon othei*s, luv least 
tew hav jokes played upon them. 

One ov the most difl^ult things for an old person tew for- 
git and at the same time the most ne<3essary, iz that they are 
no longer young. 

Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles — the pa- 
shunt alwus haz it light. 

Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew 
the amount ov their branes. 

It iz better tew be stubborn than weak. 

There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew 
be obliged tew flatter another. 

Most men had rather be ritch than wize. 

Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we 
often sc-e the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize 
the most timid. 

About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz 
tew make death a relief. 

Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing. 

To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov 
enny man. 

Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew 
hiz boddy. 



nOOKS & EYES 245 

When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see 
no money in me, them i am happy. 

He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gitsagoo<3 
chance. 

Thare might possibly be snm advantage, in entering a con- 
vent, if we could eskape from ourself s, but go whare we will, 
we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us 
more hurt, than enny boddy else. 

The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be 
abuzed by everj one, for the privilege ov abuzing others. 

If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse 
to be bom. 

What iz the principal difference between poverty and 
ritehes ? — poverty kant be worse, and may be better ; ritches 
kan be better, and may be worse, — the difference iz in favor 
of poverty. 

We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov 
human natur, than the fakt, tliat we arrive at wisdom, thru 
our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon. 

A wize man never dispairs, when hopegivs out, then cums 
resignashun. 

The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do 
better next time. 

Fashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a 
little one. 

Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, 
yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov. 

Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same 
effekt on a man's mind, that too mutch eating, and too little 
exercise haz on hiz boddy. 

The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed 
trouble — things that are always a going tew happen never do 
happen. 

Face all things ! — even advertisy iz polite tew a man's face, 

A learned phooliz one who has read everj^thing, and simply 
remembered it. 

Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the 
best that haz been discovered vet. 



244 ArFUEISMS. 

Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, 
and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised. 

If I had a boy whose hair wouldn't part in the middle, I 
should bedew that hair with a parent's tear, and then giv up 
the boy. 



JAW BONES. 

DKY GOODS are worshiped in this world now more 
than the Lord iz. 

Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made ; coun- 
cilling with hope iz the way heroes are made ; councilling 
with faith iz the way Christians are made. 

Pleazure iz like a hornet — generally ends with a sting. 

The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze 
who live in the subburbs ov virtew — they are rotten ice. 

Lazyness iz a good deal like money — the more a man haz 
ov it, the more he seems tew want. 

Thare iz no such thing az inheriting \drtew ; money and 
titles and fever sores kan be inherited. 

The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits — ^tender, 
but tasteless. 

Life iz like a mountain — after climbing up one side and 
sliding down the other, put up the sled. 

When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up 
for a critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz 
brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering 
tew bob it. 

The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he 
iz alwus on hand. 

Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it. 

Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz igno- 
i-anse. 

Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy. 

Reputashun iz like money — the principal is often lost by 
putting it out at interest. 



ODS AND ENS. 245 

Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love an- 
other more than we do onrselfs we shant be jealous. 

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not 
find enny fault at all, wouldn't hesitate tew say tew an angle 
worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz 
boddy. 

Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who 
won't pay for making up. 

Envy iz an insult tew a man's good sense ; for envy iz the 
pain we feel at the excellencies ov others. 

How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like 
tiie pith in a goose quill. 



ODS AjN^D ens. 



"VrATUE never makes enny blunders. When she makes 
-L 1 a phool she means it. 

I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov 
mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, 
for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while 
edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints. 

I never knu a man ^-et whoze name waz George Washing- 
ton Lafayette Goodrich^ Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name 
for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than 
he waz by natur. 

As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person 
iz neat in hiz morals. 

Man iz mi brother, and 1 konsider that i am nearer related 
tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews. 

Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blun. 
ders, and the individual so menny, as a man's acktuai impor- 
tanse among hiz fellow critters. 

A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, 
very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth. 

The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they 



246 



AFFURISMS. 



to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded. 
The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this 
iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun 

haz made more phools 
than the Lord haz. 

About the nearest 
tew absolute insolven- 
cy that a man kan git 
in this world, and 
think he iz dieing rich, 
iz to leave nothing 
but a pedigree tew 
hiz family. 

I don't pretend 
tew hav enny less vile 
pashuns than my na- 
bors, but i do despize 
the person, most hearti- 
ly, who caters tew 
thoze i hav got. 

The man who kant 
find enny thing to do 
in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearhng heffer. 

Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so 
much and pays so httle az revenge. 

Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew 
doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement. 

Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientif- 
fick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew 
enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without under- 
standing it. 

It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that 
iz most generally taken. 

Don't lay enny certain plans for the f ewter, it iz like plant- 
ing tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools. 

No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorte<? 
tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are 
both ov them weakness. 




ODS AND ENS. 247 

Natur once in a while makes a phool, bnt az a general thing 
phools, like garments, are made tew order. 

A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good com- 
pany for others. 

Genuine praize consists in naming a man's faultz to hiz 
face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back. 

One ov the best temporary' cures for pride and affektashun 
that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness ; a man who wants 
tew vomit never puts on airs. 

A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in. 

Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the 
more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hit- 
ting the mark. 

I have alwus noticed one thing, when a person bekums dis- 
gusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, 
the world very kindly lets the person went. 

Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, oi 
hates. 

A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days 
in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the 
weather. 

I love tew see an oldpersonjoyfull, butnotkickuptheheels' 
full. 

A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov gin- 
ger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pidled out. 

Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny 
boddy kan talk it well enuif, but thare ain't bnt phew can 
understand it. 

Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar 
iz ov a shirt. 

Whatever Providence haz given us the faknlty tew do, he 
haz given us the power tew do. 

Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like 
little flies ; grate bores without meaning or knowing it. 

Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil 
had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn't hav bin 
heard ov agin. 



24:8 AITURISMS. 

The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down 
on tlie ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord. 
All the good injuns die young. 

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, 
chained tew a post ; they heller and paw, but they kant git 
away from the post. 

I hav herd a gi*ate deal ced about " hroken hartes,^'^ and 
thare may be a f u ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew 
the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole 
critter. 

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable 
sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity 
ov brains. 

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old 
goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun. 

Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov 
geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon : one good squeeze 
takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left. 

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must 
play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch 
in winning, as in playing a poor hand well. 

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov 
temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say — bring him up 
the back way. 

I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose 
hore was very big. 

If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, 
he never need to look for promoshun. 

A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram. 

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and 
£email. 



FUST niPRE SHUNS. 

FUST IMPEESHUXS. 



249 



UST impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Ennymanwho 
haz onlv been stuno^ bi a hornet once will swear to 



F 

this. 

The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest da 
Thare aint but phew 
who kan navigate 
without a kompass. 

A wize man iz 
never konfounded bi 
what he dont under- 
stand, b n t a phool 
generally iz. 

Yung man, don't 
grind yure scythe all 
on one side ! 

I don't know ov a 
more lamentable 
sight than an old 
rake — even I'epent- 
ance looks like a 
weakness in him. 

Politeness iz often 
wasted, but it iz a ' ^jst impreshuks. 

good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts 
often cum tew us sudden, but seldum perf ekt. They require 
polishing up tew make them komplete. 

Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu 
hav tew turn a grindstun to do it. 

Bepentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno 
ov nothing more indikative ov strength. 

Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for 
i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who 
couldn't harness a boss tew save their lives. 

I don't kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more 
butiful one when filled, than the command in the BibL 
"Be ye az wize az a sarpent. but harmless az a dove." 




250 AFFURISMa 

Every boddv in this world wants watching, bat none more 

than ourselves. 

Cimning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who tmii- 
ed the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, 
waz one ov this kind. 

A weak constitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set 
3v branes kan't. 

Yanitv iz a strange pashun — i-ather than be out ov a job it 
will bi*ag ov its vices. 

All phools are poor listeners. 

About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other 
people's opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own. 

Flatter}' iz like ice-kream — to relish good we want it a little 
at a time, and often. 

The more yu praze a man who don't deserve it, the more 
yu abuze him. 

Yu kan't flatter a truly wize man — he knows just how mutch 
praze iz due him ; that he takes, and charges over all the bal- 
lance tew the proffit and loss ackount. 

Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man. 
but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew 
woo them. 

Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, 
and yu will notiss this, that while the excentncitys ov a clown 
are quite often pleasant, the excentncitys ov a grate man are 
most always disagreeable. 

I don't beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and ras- 
kals are concerned. 

It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be 
so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a 
grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and 
thrift. 

How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this 
world when we kan't even find one who iz hafiTaz good az he 
kan be. 

Xu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew fijid a 
subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more trc.nbled 
tew find what tew write on a subjekt. 



FUST IMPRESHUNS. 251 

Men are seldom imderrated ; the merknrj in a man findi 
its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it 
duzin the glass ov a thermometer. 

I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the 
pm-e attributes that the angels possess, but no single human 
hart kontains even a moity ov them. 

Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent ; and 
what maies so mutch trouble iz, the indifferent^ are in the 
majority. 

A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket 
laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it. 

When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the 
world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the 
premises. 

Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in kon- 
fessins: our sins to ourself s and to each other. 

I don't suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a sin- 
j^le virtew. Even Judas Iskariot " went and hanged him- 
self." 

The old saying haz it, " it iz a wize child that knows hiz 
own father,'' but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize 
fkther that knows hiz own child. 

The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match 
for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi ex- 
perience. 

The pashuns are like the wuck ov a lighted kandle — they 
don't die out untill they are burnt out. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git 
religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook 
thoze that they am. 

A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be 
kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant. 

Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don't reduse oui 
phollys. 

Buty iz power ; but the most treacherous one i kno ov. 

The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enn^ 
blunders, \z altogether too good to liv in this world. 



252 AFFURISMS. 

Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natnr are 
all braggarts. 

I will say this for man — i don't kno ov enny enterprise he 
haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the gen- 
eral interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded. 

If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if 
i am honest, if i am virtewous — what ov it ? — i hav simply 
dun mi duty. 

I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az eloquent 
vjords. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an 
eloquent necktie. 

St}de iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won't 
hurt even a saint. 

Gravity, az a general thing, \z either the wizdum ova phool 
or the cunning ov a raskalL 

Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure 
he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat's 
life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her 
mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught 
and et it. 



PLUM PITS. 

A MAN with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea OB 
him, dredful oneazy. 

I have alwns notised when an individual haint got the ability 
tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately. 

What do yu bet Fame iz ? I bet it iz climeing a greased 
pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov dothea 
worth fifteen. 

New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phune- 
ral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led 
bi the hearse boss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew 
take their dust. 

Ambishun iz like hunger — ^it obeys no law but its appetight 



PLUM PITS. 



253 



There iz no medicine like a good joke ; it iz a silrer-coated 
pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run. 

Beauty iz a morning dream ^vhich the breakfast bell puts 

an end to. 

The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise 
m the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good 
guide-board. 

■ I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-camer than 
tew hear another hod-carrier say, " He iz a cussid phool and 
dont understand hiz bizzness." 

Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The 

^^ , ,, man who kan eat hiz 

-> $^* ' . -^ bread and be happy iz 

certainly richer than he 
who kant eat it unless 
it iz spred with butter. 
" Yote early and vote 
often," is the Poli- 
tishun's golden rule. 
Du unto others az 
yu would be dun by. 
I never knew but one 
infidel in mi life, and 
he had no more courage 
than a haff drowned 
kitten jist pulled out 
ov a swill barrel, and 
waz az afraid tew die 
az the devil would be 
if he waz allowed tew 
visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself. 

Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and theu 
deliberately gits into. 

Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man's boddy, are like 
two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they 
compromise the matter by laying out the patient. 

One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing 




WHAT TICKET nO YOU VOTE? 



254 ATFUHISMS. 

a hole to fit the plngg, but by making a plugg to fit the hola 

A lie iz like nitro-glycenne. the best ov judges kant tell 
when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun. 

A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, 
and seldum misses the mark ; it iz jist so with sum men's 
blunders. 

Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which 
the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals 
tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would 
forever hav hid. 

About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result oy 
sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our boss that haz had 
hiz leg broke. 

Most people when they cum tew yn for advice cum tew hav 
their own opinyims strengthened, not coiTekted. 

Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow 
Christians and wide awake sinners. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use 
tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others. 

All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov 
stone to one ounce ov gold. 

Hope and Debt are partners in trade — Hope hunts up the 
customers and Debt skins them. 

Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track. 

Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over. 

Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun 
skatters. 

A man has got about done going down hill when he gits 
whar he brags on hiz lazyness ; such a kritter is ov no more 
use tew hiMiself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in 
a barnyard. 

He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly 
git his reward here and hereafter ; but hiz reward here ^vill 
be the poor-house. 

Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and 
he will lam tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he 
kan spell a word ov two Billables. 



GNATS. 255 

A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes tnith tew inin tlie 
heats— "blood will tell." 

Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the 
world who ha 7 bin straining for years after a camel and finally 
had to sw^allow a nat. 

'We should awl aun at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool 
will expekt tew reach it. 

Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt 
bi sucking its claws. 

Lafiing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that 
wouldn't neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful 
spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay. 



GXATS. 

IDONT kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good 
in jun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good 
iujun, iz just whare the tite spot cnms in. 

Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon 
our souls az it duz tew confess our sins. 

What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors mis- 
fortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven. 

Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the 
dark, whistling tew shorten the distance. 

"The gods help them who help themselfs." Upon the 
same pnnciple mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs. 

Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss^ sweet but 
dreadful dobby. 

Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, 
a species ov game that kant be reproduced. 

Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the 
same time making the company satisfied with yon and pleazed 
with themselfs. 

Tew be happy — take things az they cum, and let them go 
jist az they cum. 



256 AFFURISMS. 

It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but 
it don't take but little virtew. 

It iz the little things ov this life that plague us — 

Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse. 

What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we 
could pump all the pride and sellifchness out ov it ! It would 
improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the 
other world. 

Don't mistake plezzure for happiness ; it iz entirely a dif- 
ferent breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt 
plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure 
that haz no happiness in it. 

Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i 
like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss — i want mi 
mollassiss slo and eazy. 

Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz 
on a goose, it makes them tufier. 

" Sewing Sosietys,^^ are generally places whare the wimmin 
meet to rip and so — up the naberhood. 

A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare ; an indus- 
trious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows 
what to do with. 

It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don't 
kno. 

A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one — the 
hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt — it iz harder tew set still, 
and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them. 



KINDLING WOOD. 



YOUNG man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster's Dick* 
shionary tew find words big enuff tew convey }^ire 
meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don't mean 
mutch. 

We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that 
we admire bravery in a man. 



KINDLING WOOD. 



257 



Geauiue grief iz like penitence, not klainorous but subdued ; 
Borrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place 
shows more ambishun than piety. 

About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew 
learn us how tew enjoy mizery. 

It iz a grate art tew kno how tew " gather figs from this- 
tles, but philosophy teaches it. 

The reazon win so phew people are happy in this world iz 
bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls. 

We are poor not from what we need, but from what we 
want ; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap. 

I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov 
pepmint essence — i had rather drink out ov a spring than 

tew drink a hundred 
yards belo, for this 
reazon,when I read a 
book it iz one written 
by an old author 
whoze thoughts the 
modern writer haz 
attempted tew im- 
prove bi diluting. 

This world iz 
phull ov heros and 
heroines, and the 
reason whi so menny 
ov them live unno- 
ticed iz bekause they 
adorn every day life 
and not an ockashun. 
All suckcess- 
fiil flirts hav sharp 




eyes, 



one eve 



they 



keep on yu and one on the other phellow. 

Yanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things 
that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew 
iheir virtew. 

m 



25S ATFURISMS. 

Man iz a liily eddikated animal. 

Don't never phrovesy, yung man, for if yn phrovesy 
wrono-, nolx)ddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right 
noboddy will remember it. 

Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and Yery valuable. 

Exeentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov 
a superior mind ; thoze who think different from others are 
apt tew aekt different. 

Yain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, bio 
them up till they bust. 

It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting 
them kno it. 

Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff ; 
animals kant laff and de\dls won't. 

Don't never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade ; 
yn never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu. 

I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze 
thoughts agree with our own. 

He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew 
enjoy it. 

When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do 
in a gale — run before the wind. 

Adversity iz the lire that tempers the iron ov man into 
steel. 

I never had a man cum tew me for adWse yet but what i 
soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyim 
than he did ov mine. 

Edukashun that don't learn a maij now tew think iz like 
knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards. 

Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat — the rat iz 
quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole. 

Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz 
on a mule — it sets them tew hiking bak. 

One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv 
advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences 
that every boddy distrusts. 

An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier 



KINDLING WOOD. 2»>^ 

are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhai-e in the sun, 
and fite flies for amuzement ! 

Vice in the young fills us with horror — in the old, with 
disgust. 

Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew 
hiz boddy. Thare ain't a shu blak on the face ov the earth 
but what beleaves he kan " shiue em up" a leetle better than 
enny one else. 

The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life 
seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going 
tew happen, and that iz — death. 

The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I 
had rather be able tew set the multiplikasliun table tew sum 
lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it. 

The man who never makes enuy blunders seldum makes 
enny good hits. 

Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and 
Eternity cannot dispense with. 

Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend 
their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting. 

The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the 
phools endurable. 

The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills. 

Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessaiy in the 
church az uniforms are in the field ; strip an army ov its 
cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob. 

Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen 
alwus beats the parlor in punktillio. 

If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, 
hiv man, and hate the devil. 

Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like 
lighting another man's kan die bi yours. 

I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, whe 
only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a 
man. 

To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment 
than most men possess. 



SCO AFFURISMS. 

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than 
what tew say. 

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauza 
most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity 12 
the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit. 

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan har, they 
never will cloy, and never will betray you. 

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, 
and what iz more, pleazed with themseKs. 

If we couldn't neither laif nor kry, what miserable kritters 
we should be. 

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be 
despized, he has tuched bottom. 

After all, great conversashional powers make a man more 
feared than beloved. 

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate fioks ov birds, thare 
iz mutch moi-e noise and chattering tlian sense. 

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten min- 
nits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak 
or stummuk akes. 



PHISH BAWLS. 



S 



INS are the only things that I repent ov, i never could 
KJ make ennything repenting ov blunders. 

I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing 
tew lay our bad luk to besides ourself s. 

Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno or, 
they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are 
reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry, 

I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashnn that i do 
upon the 10 commandments. 

Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages 
raized every morning. 

The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who 
are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it- 



PHISH BAWLS. 261 

I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem koutrai-}-, that if 
tliey should fall iato the river, they would insist upon floating 
up stream. 

One ov the most reliable phrophets i knoov iz an old hen, 
they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz hap- 
pened. 

Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools 
hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav. 

Temper should be curbed, not broken. 

I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, 
than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent. 

The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approaxjh. 

Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup. 

I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian viewa 
enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 
•1 corners, when i didn't know miself which waz the right one. 

I haven't mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, 
but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from. 

After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next 
best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others. 

Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they 
kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy. 

It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don't konsider it enny 
disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. 

Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so 
low a source that it don't do a man enny good. 

It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypo 
krit than it duz tew be a christian. 

Thare are but phew things tliat we suffer more misery from 
than we do from cowardice. 

The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kom- 
pareing gouts and rumatiss. 

Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch prid^ in 
bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews. 

About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our 
phailings. 

Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, "c^e the 



^62 AFFURISMS. 

fiercest — so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the 
hottest fire. 

Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a 
man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it. 

Thare iz one paslinn (and it iz the meanest one) that no mau 
who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy. 

Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becaiize it iz one 
ov the most natral ones. 

Inteofritv in A'outh iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, 
and honor in old age. 

Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing 
tew be the kause ov it. 

"Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none. 

Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on oui 
baeks, so that we kant see them. 

The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who 
haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik op 
its heels iz phull ov the devil's oats. 

Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mntch like work 
az trieing tew trace out a kat's pedigree. 

Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz meia 
afifektashun. 

Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided ha 
donH hav too mutch ov it ; thare iz a point at which pashunce 
begins tew be ignorance. 

Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of 
their attrackshun. 

When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing onlj 
tew shoot at. 

Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if 
folks would tend tew their own bizness. 

The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence — he u 
alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last. 

Yu may make a mistake in a man's kapacity, but yn kant 
in hiz vanity. 

Natur never hafi-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt. 

Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a 
coward's paradise. 



Thare ain't enDytLliig that will koinpletely kure Idzjness, 
bat i hav kno^ni a seekoiid wife tew hiiiTv it sum. 

A ^ood natiiixi man haz got one ov them kind ov souls 
that will gro ennvthing that iz planted in it, good, bad, or 
indiffirent. 

Human happineBs iz sntch an eazy, simple thing that thoze 
who hav the most ov it kno it the least. 

Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, 
bekauze it makes them more karef ul ; but sutch men are skarse. 

Yn kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast. 

The only Siife way for most people tew git along in this 
M'orld iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do. 

Human happinesb iz like Joseph's coat — a thing of menny 
colors. 

I kant tell which iz the wi]>s off, the man v.ho iz all hed and 
no heart, or the one who iz all heart ana no hed. 

Hope iz no flatterer — she cheats every body ahke, but after 
all, iz the best friend we have got. 

Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit — God, man, and 
the devil. 

An idle man iz always a bizzy one — he spends all hiz time 
hunting for nothing to do. 

Thare are but phew people in this world v\-ho make more 
trouble than a bizzy phool. 

Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew — 
thare are sum people who only ediikate their vices. 

Every man sliould kno sumthing ov law — if he knov.s enu5 
tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer. 

Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing 
the shoes before the man dies. 

The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing 
tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world {>n€ good 
example, worth at least a dozen precepts. 

Paim, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level. 



About the only difi*erence between the poor and the ritch, 
U this, the poor mffer misery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it. 



2U 



affukism:; 



The time tew pray is not wlien we aro in a tigln spot, but 
jist as soon as we git out ov it. 

There iz 2 things in tiiis life for which we are never fully 
prepared, and that iz twins. 

Tu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if yu du, 
you'll find you've spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish 
poor wliissel. 



STRAY CHILDEEX. 

IDONT think thare iz ennytliing that a man iz remarkable 
for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys. 
Thare iz this diffrence at least, between wit and humour, 

\yit makes ya think, 
humor makes you 
laff. 

I luv praze, but 
despise ilattery. 

I wouldn't giv a 
shilling a pound for 
religion that yu kant 
take emiywhere out 
into the world with 
yu, even tew a boss 
race, if yu hav a 
mind tew, without 
losing it. 

Tew do nothing, 
and tew be ov no 
use tew ennyboddy, 
iz the privilege ov 
wild beasts. 

The best way tew 
convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own 
way. 




STRAY CHILDREN. 



STKAY ciiiLDi;i::v. lioo 

The very thing that most men think they have got the 
most ov, they hav o-c: the lease ov, and that iz judgement. 

A man iz vair ^ast in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, 
jnst in propo"":ion tew hiz hmnility. 

A vain n: in, flushed with success, spreads himself like a 
peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like 
a peakock in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, " and steak 
silent!^ away." 

W en vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certiiin that 
virt^ w takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause 
it haz nothing to feed on. 

Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller 
theirs. 

People who havn't got ennything tew say, kan always And 
the most tew talk about. 

Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, 
they would do different, but i hav never heard enny ov them 
propose to liv letter. 

It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world 
would git along very poorly, if it want for us, and if thare 
want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would 
think just so too. 

The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, ar© 
after all tlie prinsipal promoters ov industry. 

Munny ain't akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as 
tew kreate them. 

It iz a very wize m.an who is able tew hide his ignorance. 

Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift 
of God. 

A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan 
leara tew be hansum. 

One man, of good 40 boss power common sens, iz worth 
more in the world than a vrhole drove of geniuses. 

Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one 
thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are 
sober. 

Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not 



206 AFFURISMS. 

only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men 
think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are 
abuv him. 

Don't forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mort- 
gage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to for* 
close and enter on the premises. 

I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there 
aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, 
who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess. 

I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who 
aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd. 

Don't borry nor lend, but if you must do one, lend. 

Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will 
agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days. 

lie whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, 
is the true liero. 

Faith beats both wisdum and learaing. 

Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz 
ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz 
possessed of them. 

Take all the good Ink out ov this world, and millionaires 
and heroes would be dredf ul skarse. 

Genius, like the yung eagle, don't hav tew make enny trial 
trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes bcldly out, even 
towards the sun. 

Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most 
ov her favours go it hlincl. 

If tliare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn't be much 
wisdum, i suppoze. 

It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy — 
to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew 
hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz. 

Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore 
sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked ^^^ untill it iz 
broken. 

Haven't yu ever seen a little cliild tri tew pik up four apple? 
with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them I 



STRAY CIIILDKEN. 2G7 

Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind 
ov suckcess. 

One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phnnny 
and akt phoolish. 

Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, 
takes its color from what it feeds on. 

Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily 
korrekt. 

Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts 
\drtew for the protekshun it afi'ords him. 

The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less 
satisfied he iz with what he knows. 

Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov 
flattery. 

My yuug friend, don't forgit one thing— however cunning 
yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat 
iz yureself. 

Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man's honesty, 
iz tew di\nde what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess 
at what's left. 

The text which haz been most preached from by the human 
family iz vanity. 

Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, 
and the old ones are the sillyest. 

The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess. 

Avarice eats up eveiything, even ekonemy. 

Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better 
one? 

I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got 
some kayenne pepper in it. 

Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny 
time. 

I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world 
'ihan real. 

Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change 
or heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment. 

I hav sumtimes thousrht that the man with menny vices, 



^QS AITURISMS. 

was safer than with one, for the meniiy vices often wear each 
other out, while the one wears the man out. 

Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and 
thare iz a time to say amen^ rool up yure sleeves and pitch in. 

" Beforrn ! Beform /" this iz too often the watchword ov 
mere charlatans. 

Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their 
lives out. 

Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew ; i have seen 
men affekt the rrke and the roue, whoze best holt waz the 
katekism. 

It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor 
failings. 

He who sues for suckcess don't git it so often az he who 
demands it. 

Suckcess iz a coquet, and a baslrful lover never wins her. 

Ko woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could 
be a suckcessfull coquet. 

Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, 
the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand. 

If all the vanity should leave this world, hafF the virtew 
would go with it ; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are 
simply proud ov our various virtews. 

Blood ain't nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells. 

The things in this world that are the best done show the 
least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diflikult to do ; 
the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral. 

It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, 
esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain't 
so eazy. 

Amung the vast mmiber ov phools in this world thare iz 
only a phew who are born so. 

Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better 
than tew be a receiver of stolen goods. 

Thoze who have once tasted the joys ov Humility v!^)! tell 
yu that it f z the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held 
to their lips 



INK BEATS. 269 

INK BRATS. 

I THANK Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this 
wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not 
rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, 
or i wouldn't dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience 
better than enny boddy else duz. 

Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure atfeck- 
shuns. Better lend yure dollars to enny boddy than yure 
dolors. Silence iz venerable ; if thare iz enny thing older 
than the Creator, it nmst hav bin silence. 

The huty ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful 
az a prince, and the ^oi^-^rov gratitude iz that " I thank you," 
makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience 
iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze 
it never deserts us. 

Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day. 

Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers — the grate 
struggle iz tew git into the king row. 

Fear makes eviy thing and evry body masters over us ; it 
iz the wust slavery thare iz. 

How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without mean- 
ing enny thing : this i kail heat lightning. 

I say, owe no man ; owing iz but little better than stealing. 

TVe are governed more by opinyun than we are hi con- 
science ; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a 
very poor seckond fiddle. 

The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint 
got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. 
Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so 
honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound. 

If a man haint got grit enuft tu stand tlie temptashun ov a 
gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits 
a chance ? 

Awl plezzures are lawful that don't end in making us feel 
sorry. 

The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, hum' 



270 AFFUKISMS. 

ble when he communes with himself, sassy tn poverty, and 
l>o]ite tu truth, iz one ov the boys. 

Xatur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny 
furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the 
eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a 
frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July 
orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, andtare- 
ing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes. 

Dutys are privileges. 

Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protek- 
tion. 

Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful 
uneazy tew take. 

A 2:ood conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven. 

Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philoso* 
pher, than tew lean agin the side ov the waU, and peruse a 
clean, phatt, and well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, 
trieing tewsmash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass. 

'E\ry man kan boast ov one admirer. 

If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the 
people, fire at their vices, not at the people ; the trew way to 
abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug. 

Life iz apunktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, 
sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop. 

No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got. 

Don't giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov 
a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it. 

I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, 
but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust 
rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one 
foot in it enny how. 

The man who wrote, " I w^ould not liv always, I ask not tew 
Bta," probably never had been urged sufficiently. 

Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims 
just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house 
dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the 
same s\K)t, 



INK BU'ATS. 271 

The man wbo controls liiz paslinns sits at the hehn ov iiiz 
«hip. 

It iz very diffikiilt tew kalkulate npon snekcess, unless a man 
sets up for a phool — in this department, i hav known hun- 
dreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns. 

I don't want eiiny better evidence that a man iz a phool 
than tew see him cultivate excentricitys. 

The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz 
drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter. 

I haye found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 
12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out 
oy eyery 24. 

Mankind loves misterys — a liole in the ground, excites more 
wonder than a star in the heavans. 

" Experience iz a good schoolmaster," but reason iz a better 
one. 

A Pedant iz a lernt phool — pedantry iz a little knowledge 
on parade — pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it. 

All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov 
religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze 
religion differs. 

Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing 
themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at otlier folks. 

How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when 
thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs. 

Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing 
more than shrewdness — and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, 
haff sister to virtew. 

Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listenerSc 

Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles. 

If I had the privilege ov making the' Eleven' h Command- 
ment, it would be this — owe no man. 

Young ones and dogs ? — thoze who are the least able to sup- 
port them, generally hav the most ov them. 

Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer ; but most folks 
gimply gro stubbomner. 

People travel to leara ; most ov them (before they start) 
should learn to travel. 



272 



AFFUKISMS. 



I don't beleare in fighting ; i am soleniiy aginst it; Irnt if a 
man gits ten fighting, i am also solemly aginst liiz gitting 
licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare va 
in it iz tew lick the other party. 

Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg's tale — a ver^? 
o-ood kind ov kittle .so long az it ain't our dorg's tale. 



LIGHTXIKG BUGS, 



PLEZZUEES make folks acquainted with each other, but 
it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other. 
It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashnns ov our heart 

are the stronocest when 



we hav grown old, 
and the best ones, the 
weakest. 

Truth dont require 
the aid ov elegant, 
and high stepping 
words, tew express its 
force, or buty, it iz 
like water, tastes bet- 
ter out ov a woodden 
bucket, than it duz 
out ov a golden gob- 
let. 

Them folks who 
are sudden, aint apt 
tew be solid; lively 
streams are alwns 

LIGHTNING BUGS. SliailO. 

Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze 
in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled. 




LIGHTNING BUGS. 273 

About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around 
loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite. 
Solitude iz the idleness ov natur. 

Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare 
iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle. 

Amuzeinents are one ov the wize things ov life, and we 
should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy. 
A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the De\'ils levee. 
Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety. 
No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace. 
A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint 
got enny strength to hiz tail. 

Vanity iz the superstition ov pride. 

Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don't 
intoxikate. 

I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew 
think, they are the c;uardian angels ov all the virtew in the 
world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov ex- 
change, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are 
only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by gen- 
eral consent, provided it iz decently well executed. 

I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, 
tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping 
snake. 

" Beware ov the dog .'" also ov the whispering man, and the 
loud-talking woman. 

Piety, Uke beans, duz the best on a poor sile. 
A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven. 
Ancrels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the 
cradle. 

If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should 
take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle 
all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare. 

A man don^t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwua 
grows old az he grows wize. 

The biggest phoolin this world haint bin born yet; thar^ 
iz plenty ov time yet. 
18t 



274 Ali^URISMS. 

A petted child iz like a bile that won't cum tew a hed. 

Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like th« 
pcock's tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, 
the glory goes with the tail. 

I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung care 
lessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor. 

Cannon balls — are the bulbous plants ov Liberty. 

Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder- 
windy folks will please make a note ov this. 

Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare 
ain't no sich thing, nor hadn't ought tew be enny sich thing, 
in this world. 

xibout az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt 
yUjiz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they 
certainly won't. 

1 hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan't 
feel obliged to be alwus civil. 

Thare seems tew be this difference between an old v.iddow 
er and an old bachelor ; the widdower livs upon faith, and the 
bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdov^'er alwus 
beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty. 

Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness ; 
i should as soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for run- 
nins^ as^instit. 

An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them ; 
a Yankee afterwards. 

Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made 
for fashion. 

Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i 
notiss, don't hav mutch ov enny thing else. 

Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal pri- 
vately. 

I hav got a dredf ul poor opinyun ov all religious creeds ; a 
man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no 
l)etter than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov 
jail. 



PAEBOILS. -<i> 

PAPwBOILS. 

11 is a good sigi: when praize makes a man beliave better. 
Proverbs, are like aiTows, i cliey fly not only fast but 
straight. 

Onr wants, after awl, make .-nost ov our happiness, when 
we hav got awl we want, then cum s fear lest we loze what we 
hav got^ and thus possession, fails tew be happiness. 

Dancrers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you 
stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but 
invigorating, if tou pitch into ihem. 

Gunninar iz the dishonestv,land therefore the weakness ov 
wisdum. 

Wise men are like a watcli, they hav open countenances 
enuff, but dont show their works in their face. 

Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a 
necessary one, and awl heart., however mutch they love, 
reserve a sly corner for what tli?y call friendship. 

About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it 
iz the means ov grace. 

When i see a poor, and pro" id aristokrat, purtiklar about 
punktillio, he alwiis puts me in mind ov a dnmken man, trie- 
ing tew walk a crack. 

Take awl the prophecys that^ hav cum tew pass, and awl 
that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, 
and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that 
buying stock, on the Codfish Bamk ov Xufoundland, at 50 
per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizzi- 
ness. 

It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with 
az mutL'h morality az possible, for it controls more people 
than law or piety duz. 

7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and 
Sundays, and even wet days. 

Thare iz az mutch difierence in takt, az thare is in the 
strength ov gimpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their 
bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the 



2TG AFFURISMS. 

meatj while other kinds Mt everything but the center ; and 
glance oph at that. 

Genius iz like a hop vine, .it will run, and spread enny how 
and hav a whole lot ov hsiff wild hops on it, but tew be a 
good krop, it must be poled, &nd cut back, and suckered. 

Precept^ iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that 
runs the cussed thing. 

Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz 
a blood houn, that follows on,ly by scent, the other a grey 
houn, that runs only by sight, 

Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than 
praize, it iz like filling them u(^) with gtmpowder, and putting 
a slow match tew them. 

"Do unto others az yu wpuld hav them do unto yu." 
Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz 
the very sublimity ov blowing- yure own trumpet. 

If we would be happy in ;his world and in the world to 
cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and 
tommorow our first in eternity. 

Ceremony u. the necessity ov phools ; good breeding iz the 
hixury ov the wise. 

; Tew be agreeable iz simp>y tew be easily pleazed — if this 
is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable. 

He whom the good pra?ze and wicked hate ought tew be 
satisfied with hiz reputashun. 

It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale 
College, that the wicked wbrk 50 per cent harder, tew git to 
hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven — what a waste 
of time and muscle ! 

Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they 
kan prove — this akounts for the little they know. Most 
people hev found out sumhow, that they "kant serve God 
and mam on too," and so they serve mamon. 

Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the 
excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az 
natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it 
keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery. 



NEST EGGS. 277 

A clieerful old man, or old woman, iz like the simnv side 
ova wood-^lied, in the last ov winter. 

Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and 
givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honev 
from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, 
tricing ten liv upon buty. 

The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure prin- 
ciple back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you 
think ov it. 

Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and 
water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the 
supply too grate for the demand. 

A good book iz like a good law. 

Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an 
undertaker. 

'•Familiarity breeds kontempt." This only applies tew 
men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and 
sugared. 

A man's reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz 
c^ertain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots 
out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and 
generally smells strong ov the kemikals. 

We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make 
others happy — i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on tliis saying. 

Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees 
l:>efore folks without getting your pantaloons dirty. 

The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards — one hides 
hiz store and the other stores hiz hide. 

Credit iz like chastity ; they both ov them kan stand temp- 
tashun better than they kan suspicion 



NEST EGGS. 

IT iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov 
a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in 
thare too. 



278 



AFFURISMS. 



Good naturiz the daily bread ov life. 
The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the 
amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it. 
Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools. 
What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man. 
It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one 

that watches hiz na- 
bors. 

Yanity iz often 
mistaken for wit, 
but it iz no more 
like it than gravity 
iz like wisdum. 

Tbare iz this dif- 
ference between a 
cunning man and a 
wize one — the cim- 
ning one looks thru 
a mikriskope, tlie 
wize onethni atele- 
skope. Yanity iz 
the chief ingredient 
in every human 
harte. 

Yer will find i^ 
az konmion animig 
slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes. 

Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate Jinrry 
about nothing:. 

One grate reazon whi every bodd}^ likes the falls ov Xi- 
agara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it. 
Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz Avicked. but not weak. 
Debt iz like enny other kind ov a tra]), eazy enuff tew git 
into, but hard enuff tew git out ov. 

Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at 
the same time so asjreeable az deference. 




NEST EGGS. 



NEST EGGS. 279 

Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the worki 
support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, 
jist a leetle. 

Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yn may 
be able tew liv hy it, but yu kant liv on it — hash will telL 

Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound. 

The history ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the 
viktory iz to '' never say die." 

The way tew Fcniw iz like klimbing a greast pole ; thare 
aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don't pay. 

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we ihiiik for what we 
knov) ; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are 
traveling around loose. 

Ambishun iz like a tred wheel ; it knows no limits ; yn no 
sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin. 

We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when 
we are laffing at others. 

Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew 
free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil. 

It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz 
an empty bag. 

Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew 
most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it. 

Children are like vines ; they will klimb the pole yu set up 
for them, be it krooked or strate. 

Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshim, but the 
cheapest ; it kosts nothing, if you only think so. 

Idleness, like industry, iz ketching. 

The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a 
pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering 
from competishmi. 

Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az \-inegar, az short 
az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards. 

A nickname will outlast all a man's deeds, be they good, 
bad, or indifferent. 

Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov ; it iz both cheap and 
durable. 



280 APFURISMS. 

Consilience iz onr private sekretaiy. 

The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear consilience, a 
good appetight, and sound slumber. 

Fashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master. 

The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always 
looking back ; it iz a grate pitty they don't change works \vith 
each other. 

A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a popgun 
for a pistill. 

Pei^severanse will conker enny thing but muskeeters ; tho 
only way tew conker them iz tew bak out. 

A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool 
over hiz eyes, but no horns. 

It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, 
for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves. 

The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi 
natur az a pnppy. 

riezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste 
for everything. 

The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make 
plezzure a bizzness ; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long. 

Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild 
oats, and the krop iz repentance. 

Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain't mutch nourishment 
in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor. 

Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a 
barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse. 



CHICKEN FEED. 



TIIAEE iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yn kant 
console, and she iz — a setting hen. 
Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching 
their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health. 

Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazee 



CHICKEN FEED. 281 

the wLole congregarsliun, he probably haz preached one that 
tlie Lord wont endorse. 

Evry boddv seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but 
he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one. 

Truth iz the edict ov God. 

The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who 
possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down 
tew them, and the ballance they guess at. 

About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in 
this world, iz tew shed tears. 

Thare iz no grater profF ov the power of love than that the 
crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed. 

I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be 
fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own. 

A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the 
privilege ov abusing other?. 

Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole 
time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare 
time tew praktiss it. 

Adversity haz the same ettekt on a man that severe train- 
ing duz on the pugilist — it reduces him tew his fighting 
waight. 

]S»atur kan be improved upon often with good eifekt, but to 
alter it generally spiles the whole thing. 

Affliktions are like tlie summers sun — they wilt for the pur- 
puss ov ripening. 

If yu want to find out a man's real disposishun, take him 
^\'llen lie iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him 
and fill him up, and you hav got an angel. 

The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dis- 
lionest he iz. 

Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man 
bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he 
never haz committed. 

Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and 
it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in 
that time, he must be knumb. 



282 AFFURISMS. 

It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that 
requires grate argumentatifF ability. 

Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but 
confide in }Tire own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs 
no one. 

What a man gains in cunning he alwus iozes in wisdum. 

He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint 
80 wize az a mule — for they will kick at a thing they dont 
expekt tew i-each. 

All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one 
in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old maue 

Money iz like grain — it iz never so well invested az when 
it iz well sown. 

A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat. 

Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have 
often made money disgracefull. 

How menny people thare iz who only go into society just 
for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their 
gripes and grunts ! Such people ought tew be sent at once to 
the pest house. 

Health can be bought, but }'u hav got tew pay for it with 
temperance, at the highest rates. 

Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and 
haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a fiiend 
that will stick to him thru thik and thin. 

Every time a man lafis harty, he takes a kink out ov the 
chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it. 

Beauty iz the melody ov the features. 

I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a 
person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant. 

Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will 
than ov the understanding. 

It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man's 
tumestun until! he haz gone dead. If they were published 
while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be 
tew hiz reputashun. 

I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He 



HARD TACK. 283 

committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, 
ov enny person history iz familiar with. 

One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun is 
tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence 
for the aged. 

Before vn undertaik tew change a man's politiks or religion, 
be sure yu h:iv got a better one to offer him. 

Altho the world iz chuck fall ov liars, thare iz but few men 
who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth. 

Xo man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philos- 
ophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew 
liv on. 

Tew be forgiven, weakens us ; but tew forgiv others, weak- 
ens them. 

I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully 
the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the 
fust time. 

Great men are seldnm intimate. They are too jealous to 
love or esteem each other. 



HAKD TACK. 

I DONT like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddya 
near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz 
a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one. 

Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho 
me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov 
them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, 
but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.) 

It iz a good thing for tlioze who hav bin sinful tew turn 
over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they 
turn over two leave.^ at oust, and bekum so suddenly vir- 
tewous that they freeze up stiiF. 

It iz better tew kno nothing than t«w kno jist enuff tew 
doubt and tew diffei'. 



^4 



AFFUEISMS. 



Chai-ity is like a miUe, a good sei*vant but a bad master. 
When charity gits entire control ov a man's affairs, it runs the 
affairs and the man both into the ground. 

Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul 
and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys. 

Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and 
tharefore i dispize it. 

Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman 
to hold — klubs and spades for man. 

I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for ; she 
beat the fust man 
bom into the world 
out ov a ded sure 
thing, and she kan 
beat the last one 
with the same kards. 

The man who kan 
stand abuse kan gen- 
erally stand prosper- 
ity. The only way 
tew beat the devil 
iz tew fite him with 
the Bible in one 
hand and a sword in 
the other. 

If i could only 
praktiss az well az i 
kan prea<jh, i would 
not thank a man tew - haed tack. 

warrent me in this \ world nor in the world tew cum. 

The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus 
at the bottom. 

Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont 
belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno 
he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party. 

About all thare iz in mans natur tliat iz natral iz hiz sins, 
and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way 
ov hidinsr thoze sins. 




HARD TACK. 285 

Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov 
principle. 

I doiit kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the 
fall ov- the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than 
a fall on the ice. 

I dont think tliare ever waz a human being yet, who haz 
met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be 
saved from it ; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exkla- 
mashnn, " My God ! my God ! why hast thou forsaken me? '' 

I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental 
and phisikal suflPering — i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az 
tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked 
out without winking-. 

Thare are but phew men weak enufP tew admit their jeal 
ousys — even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a 
little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun. 

Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake 
for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare al- 
wus will be. 

I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule — ^if a freak ov 
fortune had made me as imfortunate among men az the mule 
iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile 
and a haff off. 

Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world 
tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go 
for the chances. 

Econeme iz simply the art ov gittiug the wuth ov our 
money. 

Tew work iz the grate law ov natur — if the woodchuck 
dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, 
but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two. 

Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I 
hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz 
back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given 
him one, the collar ov which wan't starched stiff enuff. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this 
world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew enny- 
boddy in pertikular. 



286 ATFURISMS. 

Things haz got so now, if a man stops,he iz a-going tew be 
run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop 
the whole proceshun. 

If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum 
distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind 
which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarjs. 

"We speak ov ^falling in love^'' without always thinking 
that it iz the only way tew git in love — we all stumble into 
it, and kan seldum tell how or why. 

One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz 
reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say nothing. 

It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared. 

Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when 
disasters cum. 

In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things 
to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness. 

The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which aorrees 
with our own opinyun. 



SOLIUM THOUGHTS. 



THE fear ov God iz the philosphy ov religion ; the love 
ov God iz the charity of religion. 

Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out. 

Better leave yure child virtew than money ; but this iz a 
sekret known only tew a few. 

I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two 
know what ain't so. 

About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two 
galls at once, and preserve a good average. 

Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards. 

A nickname will outline enny man or thing ; it iz like the 
crook in a dogg's taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind 
the bam, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the 
epitaph. 



SOLLUM THOUGHTS. 287 

If ju analize what most men kail plezzure, ju will tind it 
compozed ov one part hiimbugg, and two parts pain. 

"Wlien yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once : this iz 
the way to learn to be Lizzy. 

We hav bin told that the hest way to overkum misfortunes 
h tew fight with them — I hav tried hoth ways, and recom- 
mend a successful dodge. 

The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, 
iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it. 

The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to 
submit to them. 

Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men ; the fesv 
men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew 
take holt ov it tew a disadvantage. 

The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be use- 
ful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, 
sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy. 

Whare religion iz a trade, morality is a merchandize. 

Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed 
ov it. 

The less a man knows, the more he will guess at ; and 
guessing iz nothing more than suspicion. 

Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the 
hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers. 

Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov "farewell benefit," — 
" positively our last appearance." 

Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about 
what, the Lord only knows. 

Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git 
phull, but a poor way tew git phatt. 

Jealousy don't pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskovei what 
we don't want tew find, nor don't expekt to. 

Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships. 

I don't think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one — I 
don't think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a 
hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds. 

A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a 



288 AFFURISMS. 

distance look twice az big as tliey am, and cluss to, twice as 
small az they am. 

Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but gener^ 
ally extended. 

If the world dispizes a hj^okrit, what must they think ov 
him in Heaven. 

Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed. 

After all, there don't seem tew be but this diffrence be- 
tween the wize men and the phools ; the wize men are all fuss 
and sum feathers, while the pliools are all fuss and no feathers. 

Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable 
ackount we hav ov a sti-ay dog. 

Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware ; the mule 
remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking. 

Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don't, 
one good liar will pizen a whole country. 

Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew 
ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don't ketch 
them. 

Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole 
whare sin got into this world — if two men brake through the 
ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole 
tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the 
hole they cum tew fall in. 

Imaginaehun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into 
reality ; this iz one way that good boss thief s are made, a man 
leans over a fence all day, and imagines the boss in the lot 
belongs tew him, and sure eiiulf, the fust dark night, the boss 
does. 

If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven's sake, 
chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest. 



IXK LIXGS. 

TRUTH iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov 
her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits 
rid ov them. 



INK LINGS. 



289 



Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don't kare 
about meeting when i am in a grate huiTv. Men whom i owe, 
and men who want to owe me. 

Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, 
and the Lord holds 
;hat enhance. 

Mi private opln- 
yun about ^'' abr-;cence 
ov mind " is, that 9 
times out ov 10, it 
iz absceiice ov branes. 

The flattery that 
men offer tew them- 
seifs iz tlie most 
dangerous, bekause 
the least suspekted. 

Take a kitten that 
kan hardly walk on 
land, and chuck him 
into a mill j)ond, 
and he will swim 
ashore — enny boddy 
kan apply the moral 
in this. The best 
philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze 
who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest. 

it takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny 
phooJ kan suffer adversit}-. 

Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends — it makes us be- 
icave we are better and happier than our nabors. 

Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov ad- 
vice will suit him the best. 

Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he 
hankers for. 

Tlie vices and phollys ov grate men are never admh-ed nor 
imitated bi grate men. 




INS LINGS. 



i9i 



290 AFFUUISMS. 

The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather thau 
ridikule them. 

We hav no more right to laff at a detbrmed person, tliau 
we hav at a crooked tree — both ov them are God's arkitek- 
ture. 

Ho^v strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for 
possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for 
having what they possess. 

Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molas> 
sis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them 
fast after they git thare. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly 
rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz Hke lifting a drowning man 
out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him 
drop on the ground. 

Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging 

lies. 

The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrasti- 
nation^ and he is still at large. 

Keligion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, 
and rekorded, az sekurity for a man's morality, and virtew 

White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that 
enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for 
wages. 

The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet peo- 
ple waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full 
head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle. 

The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under 
an alias— this shows the power of truth and morality. 

If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to 
trust him — not so with a man. 

One ON' the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, 
thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best. 

If you don't kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure 
ftttenshun to pollyticks, and learn how. 

Thai-e are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into 



INK LINGS. 291 

every thing, thej kant set a common rat trap without gitting 
ketched in it. 

A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it 
iz out. 

I hav lam't one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I 
want as much watching az mi nabors do. 

The only way to lam sum men how to do enny thing, iz to 
do it yourself. 

I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, 
unless thare waz a man or two around. 

A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a 
crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone. 

I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than 
malice. 

Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs. 

I don't kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az 
praize that he don't deserve. 

Kepentanse should be the effekt ov love — not fear. 

The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz. 

Tilings that we kant do wouldn't be ov enny use to us, if 
we could do them. 

Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, 
and i wonder if this ain't so amungst men. 

A phool seems tew be a person w^ho haz more will than 
judgment, and more vanity than either. 

The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i 
found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again. 

In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they 
haint got, and overlook thoze they hav. 

A dandy never yet fell in love — only with himself. 

Kevenge sum times sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye 
open. 

Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most gener- 
ally do. 

A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest 
us long. 

We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on 
one leg. 



293 Ai^PURISMS. 

EMBERS ON THE HARTH. 

THE moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world, 
and yet remtans az chaste az ever. 

Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth. 

1 had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait 
for it. 

We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look ; 
if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz ves- 
sell. 

The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov 
ti'umps. 

1 am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by 
acksident, not desighn. 

What an unreal life most folks lead ; they don't ever hav a 
genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence. 

How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends 
entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills. 

Mother ! — The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that 
cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in 
the calm utterance ov the name itself. 

It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing 
tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin. 

Mankind ain't apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are 
familiar with, it iz what we don't know, or kant see, that we 
hanker for. 

When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly 
clothed, i always feel sorry — for the clothes. 

I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az ** Spiritual 
manaf estashuns " az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun 
and trickery. 

Prosperity makes us suspicious o\^ each other, while advei- 
sity makes us trust in each other — the only way that i kan 
akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthingtew lose, 
while in adversity we hav everything tew gain. 

I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there 
are only two substitutes for it ; one iz hipokrasy, and the other 
iz superstishun. 



EMBERS ON THE IIARTH. 21^3 

It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man " Kun-cl/ who 
may in fakt be only a 4th Koi-poral. 

We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we 
are rong. 

Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this 
ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the 
other. 

Envy iz not so bad a pa^hun when it prompts us t^w bild 
our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us 
tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one. 

I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word 
no the hardest one in any language tew say. 

Old dorgs nuss their grudge?, but yung pupps light and 
then frolik. 

A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but 
nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov ai^sociashnn of 
edukashun. 

Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure liopes, yure love, and 
even yure de\nitrys tew men, but don't let them git a smell 
ov yure poverty — poverty haz no friends, not even among 
paupers. 

Laming iz the only good substitute for experience. 

I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik 
Ocean so muteh iz bekauze it don't belong tew enny boddy in 
partiklar ; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint 
jealous ov. 

Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge. 

Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness» 
one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the out- 
side ov it, liable tew wash oph. 

Abstinence should be the exception, and Um;peranee the 
rule. 

If a man should happen tew reach peneckshun in this world, 
he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself. 

One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires 
tew be so. 

A man who haiiit got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right 
for a hitching post. 



^94 AFFURISMS. 

Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz ianit bi experience, that 
the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book. 

Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond^ 
iind avarice the third, and last. 

Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes. 

Deference iz silent flattery. 

The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being 
made ov gold. 

The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about 
az mutch az the flattery is. 

" Ilap^y as a hing^^ iz a libel on happiness, and on the king 

to. 

If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the 
confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize. 

Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good boss 
sense tew know how tew apply it. 

Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, 
they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs. 

Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, 
confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at. 

Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy. 

About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure 
the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young. 

There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov 
a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller'a 
sister. 



HOT kor:n'. 

THAEE iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Ovtiy but kussid 
little judgment. 
A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz 
tombstun. 

What iz the chief end ov man ? To foot hiz wife's bills 
and foot the man who insults her. 

A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old 
Tnar> is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating. 



HOT KORX. 



295 



A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don't kare how well 
he kan doit, ain't a permanent suekcess. 

After all i don't kno az thare iz ennjthing in this world 
that pays m u t c L 
better than being a 
natral born phool. 

A literary repu- 
tashun iz hard tew 
git and eazy tew 
loose, and when 
once lost iz lost for- 
ever. 

Thare iz grate 
art ill growing old 
o^racefuUv. 

If a man haz got 
a good reputashun 
he better git it in- 
sured, for they are 
dredful risky. 

Misplaced charity 
iz a good blunder 
tew make. If yu 




HOT KORN. 



want tew git a good general idee ov a man's karakter find 
out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz. 

It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew 
be praized for what he don't possess. 

Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy 
talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess 
noboddy hain't seen one yet. 

Solomon remarked " that thare want ennything nu under 
the sun," and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything 
nu he haz crot tew lie a leetle tew do it. 

I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz 
bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand. 

Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless withont theii 
feathers. 



296 AEFURISMS. 

Gold seems tew be the standard of all vahies in this world. 
Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par. 

Watching one's helth all the time iz like watching the 
weather— a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz jnst az 
menny showers after all. 

We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i 
hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, 
she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it. 

Gravity iz the liomage that a phool pays to wisdum, with- 



out knov/ing it. 



A flatterer iz a common enemy. 

If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they 
would look upon it az a grate hardship. 

He that w^on't listen, kan't learn ; phools and bobalinks are 
poor listeners, and hav but one song. 

Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and 
nothing we kno so little about. 

Eevenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes. 

Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter — es- 
peshily in a monkey. 

Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find 
one who iz truly courageous. 

When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority 
in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan 



git 



The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur. 

Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, 
and the humble ones are the wust. 

The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in 
tJie ideas. 

I don't beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will 
add to a m.an's wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he 
kan git, if he will only hunt enuft'for it. 

All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most 
so, have the least sense. 

To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being im- 
posed upon, shows great strength ov character. 



HOT KORN. 297 

Enny person who will deliberately datter yu, will deliber- 
ately defame yu. 

It iz a liiiglity hard job tew respekt the man that we hav 
tew fv^igiv. 

I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from 
policy, than thare iz from principle. 

Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, 
bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed r.pon. 

Thare are people who are alwns anticipating trubble, and in 
this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never 
really happen tew them. 

Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than 
the luv ov virtew haz. 

I kno ov stvral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind 
which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the 
purpose ov smelling. 

The luv V praize never made enny man wuss, and liaz made 
menny a man better. 

Thoze people who are sik and disgusted vrith themselfs 
are the ones who suffer from ennui. 

In bible times, when Ealem's ass spoke, it waz a mirakle ; 
but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we 
hav in theze times are the gratest talkers. 

Thare iz quite a difference between a ^wminous and a voXw- 
rainous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two. 

Thoze who hav never sukceeded tliemselfs are alwns the 
most reddy tew tell others how tew do it. 

I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the 
Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher 
for his fust book. 

Ifyu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, 
yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theii-s. 

It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest ev- 
idence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest guranteeov suck- 
cess. 

Admire beauty, but don't worship it. 

Cunniug men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when 



208 AFFURISMS. 

they are kaiight they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylli- 
est looking fox yu ever see. 

Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, hi 
pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov. 

Welaff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way 
all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose 
sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing. 

It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, 
while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than 
their karakter. 

Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don't simper amung 
arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant 
wear her favors without winning them. 



FOUNDLINGS. 

HE that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he 
that gives it. 

It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it. 

Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread 
it. 

The minds ov the young are eazily trained ; it iz hard work 
to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole. 

I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk 
ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men. 

Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and 
hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy. 

It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, 
and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist 
whare their pride ends, and their mad begins. 

Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a 
knot-hole. 

A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before 
he iz fit to boss others. 

The more exalted our stashim, the more conspikuous our 



FOUNDLINGS. 290 

drtews, just az a ritch setting adds to tlie brilliancy or a 
jewel. 

Blessed are the single, for tliey kan double at leizure. 

If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make 
him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him. 

Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git 
the approval ov our own conscience. 

Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no 
disgrace to be bit by a dog. 

Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot. 

Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what 
we hav got, and what we haint got. 

We are told that ritches takes wino^s and files out ov sisrht, 
and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with 
them. 

Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, 
for hiz heart must be full ov pitty. 

I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning 
az the heavens are ov wind ; they are just the things to cut 
up into weather-cocks. 

If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be 
very well satisfied with evrybody else. 

" Blessed are the meek and lowly " (and very lucky, too, if 
they don't git their noze palled.) 

If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one. 

One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old 
maids, waiting on one sick bachelor. 

If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it 
four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that 
men pile on to each other. 

I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on 
their hat-band theze words, in large letters : " Lead us not into 
temtashun.*' 

I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who 
kept away from whare they waz — it iz jist so with bad-luck. 

Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to 
sail her. 



300 AFFURISMS. 

The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another 
feller haint got the stamps to buy. 

Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but 
never heaves her. 

Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they 
git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are perma- 
nantly ridiklous. 

I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than 
I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home. 

Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him 
talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny 
more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick 
out ov hiz collar and waistbands. 



DEIED FEUIT. 



WIIEX a roo.ster crows, he crows all over. 
A poor, hut dishon-cM cuss iz about az low down az 
enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too. 

En-or will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a 
doorway. 

The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn 
green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy. 

Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and tliat iz he 
who alwus speaks it. 

It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rat- 
tle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think 
ov their sins nntill they are bit bi a rattle snaik. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don't 
pick them up in the right way, yn will diskover it. 

I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would 
invest it in a saw mill, and then " let her rip." 

Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav 
mntch left tew do bizzness with. 



DlllED FKUIT. -jOI 

WlieD we say, " such a man haz bowels ov mercy/' do we 
mean tew be understood that lie iz a light eater ? 

Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov snckcess. 

Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success ; sum 
folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov 
their tombstnn. 

Thare iz this diffrenee between ignorance and error ; igno- 
rance iz htone blind, and error iz near-sighted ; ignorance 
stands still and error only moves to run agin a post. 

Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, 
and git dollars in return. 

There iz one thing yn kant put out, and that iz yure 
conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontainsthe 
charred remains. 

The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, 
iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who 
wants the least ; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two. 



liEMNAXTS. 

CUSTOMS are like grease — they make ennything slip 
eazy. 

Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted — a blush iz 
one ov them. 

Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a siuddy az mathumaticks iz. 

If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn't mix t-Oi? 
much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither. 

Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz igno- 
rance. 

The people who acktually deserve tew liv their livei over 
agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it. 

The richest man ov all iz he who haz orot but little, but haz 
got all he wants. 

Xatur makes all the noblemen — wealth, edukashun, noi 
pedigree, never made one yet. 



302 



AmjlUSMS. 



When a man duz me a favour i alwns try tew remember i1^ 
and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it — it 
i dont, I ought to. 

If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but 

he kan never be in 
the wrong. 

Grate talkers are 
generally grate liars, 
for men who talk so 
mutch must sooner 
or later, run out ov 
the truth, and tell 
what they dont kno. 
I dont bet thare iz 
enny sich thing az a 
perfektly good man, 
or a perfekly bad 
man. 

I kno ov enny 
quantity ov people 
whose virtews are at 
the mercy ov other 
folks, who are good 
simply for the repu- 
tashun ov it, who haven't got enny more real appetite tew 
their conscience than a klam haz. 

I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 
39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether 
i am an honest and trew man or not — if thare iz enny boddy 
who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a 
letter, enklosing a postage blister. 

Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amnng the heathen, 
they all of them cook a missionary in the same way. 

One grate reazon whi " Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew tra\" 
el," iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own 
lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself. 

Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist be- 
kauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare. 




REMNANTS. 



KKMAliKS. 



30S 



Every man makes Liz own pedigree, and the best pedigree 
iz a clear conscience. 

To be a gentleman,— git ritch, and keep a hose and buggy. 

Yirtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds 
noze 

The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss 
amung hiz equals. 

After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a 
square deth. 

Yirtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz 
got oy it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift. 

I hay cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy 
■praizes wants cluss watching. 

Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust 
rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse. 

Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew 
their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub. 

Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, 
and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less. 

The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to 
know " wKats going on /" and the next strongest, iz tew boss 
the job. 

Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in 
this world so o-rate but what sum one kan do him a favor or 
an injury. 

Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjurs', and 
that iz the conscience. 

Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too qm'ck — i am one 
ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being 
thare a half an our too soon. 



EEMARKS. 

WHEN a man hain't got enny thing to say, then iz a 
good time tew keep still,— thare iz but few people who 
Ivav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns. 



SOi AFFUKISMS. 

Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church 
piety creeps out ov the other. 

Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in otliers. 

Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed — sum are proud ov 
their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither 
themselves, brag on other people's. 

Love looks through a telescope ; envy, through a microscope. 

An industrious man iz seldom a bad man. 

Men \vill believe their pashuns quicker than they will their 
consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and 
their consciences alwus right. 

It ain't mutch trable tew bear the pain or sum boddy else's 
lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain't so stylish. 

Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors, — 
pipe to ner, and she may dance to you. 

Take all the interest out ov this world, and there wouldn't 
he friendship enuff left for seed. 

Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are 
anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them. 

I lii\v seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure 
the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade. 

The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness. 

If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it 
az I would a suit ov clothes, — ' ov suitoMe texture and a per- 
fect Jit: 

Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill 
natur. 

The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the 
larger hiz faults. 

The man who hain't got an enemy, iz really poor. 

Don't mistake vivacity for vnt^ thare iz just az mutch diiT- 
rence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug. 

No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substitu- 
ting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job 
ov it. 

Rehgion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, 
and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion 
than I am. 



REMARKS. 305 

Lovers feed upon mysteries, but atler they are married, and 
the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew 
test the real qualitys ov their appetights. 

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be 
our turn next. 

I don't kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us 
up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified. 
Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and 
obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, 
and the other iz the strength ov a little one. 
Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky. 
I thin^^ a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with 
gloves on. 

I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a 
young prude. 

Misanthropy don't pay— thare aint no man living whoze 
hate the world cares one cuss for. 

Bash men ken be korrekted, but it dontpay to labour with 
a phool. 

The man who haz never enjoyed theplezzure ov being for- 
given, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life. 

I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it. than a 
ewe lamb, frisking on the green. 

When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with 
immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont 
amount to ennything, I write him down " misterious phool.'^ 
The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, " Whats trumps." 
Love iz a weakness, — but it iz the same kind ov a weakness 
that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our 
natures. 

A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy. 
Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites. 

We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise 
in the old — (pleaze make a note ov this old phellows). 

Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be 
mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it. 
I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth more 
remorseless, than 7 per cent interest. 20J 



^306 



Ai'FL'KlSMS. 



Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring mis^ 
fortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze 
we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sul- 
lenness. 

When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him 
starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in 
the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles. 



SAWS. 

THAR iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke 
in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel de- 
pends upon it. 

The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after 

he haz left it, iz for 

good examples. 

Thare iz just az 
mutch difierence be- 
tween precept and 
example, az thare iz 
between a horn that 
blows a noize, and 
one that blows a 
tune. 

Thare seems tew 
be a propriety in all 
things ; late experi- 
ments in New York 
city, have proved, 
that religion in a 
rat pit iz a failure. 
Grate examples are 
no excuse for iniqui- 
ty. Our Saviour 
thought so when he sed: " Git thee behind me, Satan." 

Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz 
the natral way tew git rid ov it 




SAWS. 307 

The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no bettei 
than than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes. 

Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her 
suitors. 

Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he lu%^ it, the 
more natral virtews he possesses — the most vicious amung 
the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded. 

Beware ov false friends, — yure dog wont desert yu when 
yure munny iz gone. 

One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze 
we so often mistake a companyun for a friend. 
^ To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences. 

Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav 
enny pitty to spare, — if yn show a man a big bile on yure arm, 
he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same 
spot, last 3^ear. 

The thinking men outliv the labouring men. 

The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stu- 
pidity. 

Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet 
tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a 
phool. 

Politeness subsists upon politeness. 

1 like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their 
own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it. 

Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men 
look back. 

It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and 
the hardest thing tew own it. 

I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare aifeckshun 
cums tew the surface. 

Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while 
an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain't stmk 
bottom yet. 

If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov 
human natur, he mustn't know too mutch ov it. 

A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but 
one without the right kind ov sense. 



508 AFFl.KTS.MS. 

When a man gits tew talking ahout himself, he seldnrn 
fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime. 

Excellence in enny direction iz rare — even good clowns are 
skarse. 

Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to 
silly n ess. 

It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a 
step that a man iz liable at enny time tew take. 

Old age haz its priviliges — one iz tew find fault with every- 
thing. 

We<iJc^ and icklced are the two worst things that ennyboddy 
can be charged with. 

He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be 
cheated by everyboddy. 

Whenever yu find a man, with an excentrieity ov ennv 
kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a 
•^ heaty^'' and charge it tew mi account. 

A wise man iz never less alone than when alone. 

A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake biz 
genius. 

Tallent must hav memory, genius don't require it. 

I don't beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the 
earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against 
temptashun. 

When a man measures out glory for himself heal wus heaps 
the half bushel. 

A bile ain't a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it 
iz on sum other pliellow. 

Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained 
in the foUowing bracket — \^rin omcl hear it.'] 

I don't kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, 
lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has. 

If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one " Doubt- 
ful " and the other 3 " Useless." 

Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the 
lesv- y\\ git rid ov them. 

Virtew may konsist in never sinning, bnt the or-lorv ov vir- 
tew konsists in repentance. 



Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves 
ov all. 

A jest mRj be kruel, but a joke never iz. 

I never bet : not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, 
az bekanze i am afrade i shall win. 

A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy. 

I don't think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached 
yet, altho menny hav made a c^ood tiy for it. 

The reason ^vhi all the works ov nature are so impressive, 
iz bekauze, they represent ideas. 

The books which summer tourists carry about with them 
are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the 
branes. 

The man vrhoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak 
man ; I had rather be able tew m.ilk a cow suckcessfully, on 
the wrong side, than to be such a man. 



Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew 
me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are. 

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, 
than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung mim, full ov christian 
fortitude, struggling with a mustach. 



KEMAEKS. 

MAItRYIXG a woman for her munny is vera mutch like 
setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger. 

It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde 
tew bekum a raskall, tliat he shud examine hisself clusly, and 
see if he aint better konstructed for a phool. 

I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, 
if he is rong he kant be too conservatifF. 

I beieave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want 
tew pick the men. 



310 AFFURISMS. 

I beleave in suggar coated pills. — I also beleave that virtue 
and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good na- 
tured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it 
with a worm-\yood mallet and chissell. 

The pure don't grow old enny more than a mountain 
spring dus. 

Eize arly, w^ork hard, and late, live on what ju kant sell, 
giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the 
devil, yu ma sue me for damages. 

Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that 
God kant help but smile on it. 

I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half lonof, 
(in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county ; 
for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose 
bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i prob- 
ably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a 
phool. 

Awl human happiness is conservatiff ; 2 thirds ov the pleas- 
ure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. 
I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a 
hill 34 miles long. 

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all 
waste more time than we uze. 

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their an- 
sesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate 
descent iz jist what's the matter ov them. 

We are told " that an honest man is the noblest work ov 
God " — but the demand for the v^orh has been so limited, 
that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must 
still be in the author's hands. 

I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling 
what he would have did if he had bin ihare '^ I hav notised 
that this kind never git ihxire. 



NOSEGAYS. 311 

Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget tlie time 
when we wasn't much. It iz jist so with the frog on the 
jump ; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole — but other 
folks kan. 

I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. 
If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has 
either got a poor gimblet. or else he is boring in the rono- 
plase. 

Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch 
ripe politeness ; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov 
politeness ; i have seen them lower their heds while eroinc 
into a barn door, that was 18 foot high. 

God save the pliools ! and don't let them run out, for if it 
want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin. 

Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but 
too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man. 

The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and 
keap, it klean, aint lit for enny thing else. 



IS^OSEGAYS. 

THE man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, 
iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which. 

If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the 
bottom. 

As spunky people az i hav ever kno^vn have been az arrant 
kowards. 

I had mutch rather alwuss look forward tew the time, 
when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak 
onre tew the time when i used to do it. 

A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to 
run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch 
cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced 



il2 



APFURISMS. 



, 1 say to 
"that'krit- 



ever}- time thej meet at an evening meeting, i think that they 
hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony. 

When i cum akrost people who ai-e pei-fektly krazy for yen- 

tilashnn 
miself, 

ter was brought up 
in a windmill." 

The majority ov 
the world are like 
rats, they live upon 
plunder and forsake 
a sinking ship., 

Punktuality is one 
grate element or 
sukcess. 

A watch that dont 
keep korrekt time is 
WUS8 than no watch 
at all. 

Grate powers are 
useful only az they 
are made 




service- 



able — tlie value ov a boss depends upon hiz being well broke. 

Too mutch bmnes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a 
simply bizzness man. 

A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun 
in it, but the one that falls kant ahvus see it. 

The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz 
a nearer road to it allmost az sure — reading and reilekshun. 

He who reads and don't reflekt, iz like the one who eats 
and don't exercise. 

The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who 
commense on themselfs. 

He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a 
dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred. 

The more a person hunts for the mote in liiz brothers eye 
the plainer he will diskover — if he iz a man ov scniio — the 
beam in his own. 



NOSEGAYS. ol3 

People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion 
than they are a pruning-hook. 

lleligion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew 
the prevailing fashun. 

It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and 
it pays better. 

Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though 
they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard. 

The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won't 
defend enny thing. 

WJii iz it that we despize the man who i3uts Jiimself in our 
power, and are qnite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun 
az he iz out of our reach. 

Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty 
iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a 
consciousness ov evil. 

Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in tliis world that 
ai*e undeserved. 

Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare 
iz more people waiting tew stej) into hiz shuze than he iz 
aware ov. 

The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro 
different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the 
terms. 

A Avicked man iz no kompany for hhnselfs. 

All people luv authority, but the vulgar Juv it the most. 

It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man's wealth, for he that 
alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with 
less iz ritch. 

We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves ; the 
Unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate. 

Pride and poverty liav travelled together now for about 5 
thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant 
phool ennyboddy but themselfs. 

Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too 
lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds. 

A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply 
than he will hiz strong one?* 



314: AFFURISMS. 

If men were ^abbom just in proporsliim az they waz rigliti 
stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men 
are generally stubborn just in proporshun az thej are igno- 
rant and wrong. 

Genius after all ain't enny thing more than elegant koni- 
mon sense. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz koni- 
posed entirely ov dignity, and nothing else. 

We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, 
whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listenin:]: 
pashuntly. 

A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, 
and too little to be wise. 

Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and 
whare it will go we don't enny ov us seem tew kno. 

Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, 
they are like hornets, they mean sting. 

When a man ov laming talks he makes us wonder, but a 
wize man makes us think. 

It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit 
for sosiety, and thoze who are not lit for sosiety are certainly 
unfit for solitude. 

A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for 
the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks. 

Style in writing iz lilvC style in dress — a good fit. 

How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If 
their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell 
sum kind ov a rat. 

Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on 
each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for 
the}^ set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps. 

What should we do if it want for the churches ? Thare iz 
a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. 
If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at 
once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or 
hunting for bumblebees' nests. 

People worth noticing should never forgit that ever^'tliing 



NOSEGAYS. 315 

they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally 
true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad 
ones never. 

I phully apreshiate the proverb, " that speech iz silver, but 
silence iz golden," but i must say that sum ov the most dis- 
kreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze 
wlio never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt. 

What iz happier tew meet than a good temper ? It iz like 
the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite. 

Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and hafi 
the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny 
more fragrance on the cuss. 

Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an 
insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well 
ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gen- 
tleman. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like 
a life-preserver — only put on at the moment ov extreme dan- 
ger, and put on then, half the time, hind side before. 

With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin 
engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world 
— we are all ov us slaves to sumthing. 

I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with 
the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard 
ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and ask- 
ing them tew kum bak. 

Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain't 
wuth mutch for a boss : for the fust question that iz asked, iz : 
^' What can he go out and show ? " 

I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and 
ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully. 

Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous 
life kasts. 

Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense — two 
ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced. 

Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauz© 
he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew 



olt> APFURISMS. 

liv in ; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make 
liim afrade. 

It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, 
az it duz tew tell the truth. 

Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze ; i liav saw men so vain 
that they kouldn't look with kompozure upon a peakok 
spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun. 

Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez 
or duz. 

The man who thinks " he kant do it," iz alwuss more than 
haff right. 

One ov the hardest things tew leani a child, iz tew tell the 
truth, but it should be done, if — death ensues. 



SHOOTmCx STAKS. 



MOST people are like an egg, too phull ov theraselfs to 
hold enny thing else. 

Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz 
a natral resenoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpfc 
up. 

" Misery luvs kompany," but kant bear kompetishun, thare 
aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in 
markit. 

A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever. 

Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most. 

A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind 
ov poultry. 

To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man's 
karakter — to be a biil frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to 
mutch. 

What a blessed thing it iz th-it we kant " see ourselfs az 
others see us^" — the sight would take all the starch out ov 
US. 

Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine 



SHOOTING STARS. 



317 



out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny trubhle at 
all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small end ov. 

I never -.question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right 
ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway. 

To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin. 

Expehtashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an 
arogant brat. 

Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu 
aint more cunning 
than all men. 

Excentricitys are 
most alwus artyfish- 
all, and the best that 
kan be sed ov them 
iz, they are quite 
az often the result 
ov diffidence az ov 
vanity. 

K i want tew git 
at the trew karakter 
ov a man, i stiiddy 
hiz ^nces more than 
i do hiz virtews. 

Faith wont make 
a man virtewous, 
but it makes what 
viriew he haz got 
red hot. Those shooting stars. 

vrho expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, mast keep 
their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the 
time skimming the surface. 

It don t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a 
hurr}-, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in 
hiz heels. 

Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an oc- 
kashional moment ov sadness. 

The man whose only plezzure in this life,iz making munny, 
weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm. 




318 APFURISMS. 

Manner yl far more attraktive than matter — monkeys are 
watched chisser than eagles are. 

Jelous people alwiis Inv themselfs more than they do thoze 
■whom they are jeloiis ov. 

Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes — men dig for wood- 
chucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks. 

The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the 
world haz even seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous 
heathen. 

Men don't fall so often in this world from a want ov right 
motives, az they do from lack ov grip. 

Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny 
blunders, and they are yu and me^ mi friend. 

Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, 
they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs. 

Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureseli 
talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others. 

Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the pro- 
priety s ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint 
propper, ain't nothing. 

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan bio up 
like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze. 

I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man 
bums hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy. 

Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew 
eee them in their hours ov relaxashun. 

I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this 
way : A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig's tale, 
bnt it takes a man of genius tew make the tale. 

I kant tell now whether a goose stands en one leg so mutch 
to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick 
man would tell me all about this. 

Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith 
will appear at Booth's Theater az Othello, or whether Othello 
will appear az Mr. John Smith. 

I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the 
world. 



SHOOTING STARS. 319 

Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon 
what they hain't got az the only things worth having. 

Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity ; if they aint 
stiff and solium tlicy aint nothing. 

A fu branes in a man's hed are az noizy az shot in a blown 
up bladder. 

One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 
men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual 
bizzness. 

I hate grate talkers ; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite 
onto me. 

Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they 
were tempted, and then they keriiumixt immediately. 

Yentilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay 
down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking do^-n two 
lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too air- 
ish. 

1 hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn when 
ever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it. 

I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day 
must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness. 

He who really deserves friends alwus finds them. 

Thare is "' mennv a slip between a cup and lip," but not haff 
az menny az thare ought tew be. 

The two most important words in enny languarge are the 
shortest — '• Yes " and '' Ko." 

One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the 
prcFcnt time iz '' Old Probabilitiz ;" he iz an ornament and 
honor tew hiz sex. 

Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more 
jealousy than men. 

Eather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew 
be beat 9 times out ov 10. 

In whipping a yung one, yu don't never ought tew stop 
untill yu git klean thru. 

I dont never hav enny tnibble in regulating mi own kon- 
dukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me. 

Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think. 



THE INTEKVIEWER. 

I PITT Y the poor Interviewer, he iz not al was a bad phello-vr 
at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizznee.s haz 
spilte him. 

I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a liv^ 
ing, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be 
an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, thev waz 
afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse. 

The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on emiy 
thing he kan find, and digesting eazy ennj thing he can 
swallo. 

He iz a kind ov kultivated hjena, and makes yu shudder 
to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin 
tew hunt for a human beefstake. 

He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, 
and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and 
worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug. 

He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little tilings. 

Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they 
will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either 
dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out. 

They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog. 

Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned quid 

nunlc and tlie modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement 

on both. 

Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for thev 

320 > J 



THE INTERVIEWER 



321 



will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then 
go for the widow. 

The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but 
aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so. 

They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az 
a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but 
bekauze yu are half afrade they will. 

Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit 
him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, 
and tew make him 
an adept in hiz call- 
ing, he dont require 
enny more tender- 
ness than an under- 
taker duz. 

Yukan git rid ov 
a hornet by brake- 
ing his nek, yu kan 
outrun a blak snaik, 
and kan hide from 
the sheriii, but the 
Interviewer, like the 
cursid muskeeter in 
the dark, hovers 
around yu, and if he 
don't bight, he sing's, 
which is the wusst- 
est ov the two. 

I hav bin lit onto 
by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, 
az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day 
read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new 
to me az Old Proija'oilitiz log ov the weather. 

Don't never tell any sekrets tew an Inteniewer; he will 
open them az tliey open oysters in the market, and retad 
them on the haff shell. 

I treat all interviewers politely ; when they begin tew bait 
21:t 




322 MOXOGRAFFS. 

me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and 
when they press me too chissly then i begin tew whissell. 

I am an awful poor whissler enny how. 

I do really pitty the poor Interviewer ; he works for liiz 
bread like enny other skribbler, and for wliat i kno, hates the 
bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at inter- 
viewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else. 

Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze 
kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence ; they 
are simply disgusting. 

Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny 
time on sutch stale goods ; he would az soon think of inter- 
viewing: a last years birds' nest, or a kuntrv ^ide-board. 

O •/ I/O 

Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer ; he thirsts for 
the game like a fox hound on the trak ; he livs upon plunder, 
and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz cob 
lum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy. 



THE ]\nTSK EAT. 



T 



HE musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than 
X a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam 
and a lobster are different from each other. 

He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal 
longer than he kan liv under the water. 

He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like 
the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade. 

He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, 
all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar. 

Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 centL\ and aint lively in 
market at that. 

Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that 
haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and 
aint diflikult tew suit. 

When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, 



THE MINK. 323 

and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their 
skins. 

I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, 
ehiss beside their lioles, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and 
wlien the}^ see me they change ends and point down, like a 
semicolon, and that waz the last ov them. 

The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than 
a file haz. 

I dont dispize musk rat — oh, no ! — but i dont worship him. 

He haz but phew sins tew answer for ; the chief one iz 
Jigging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the 
A\ater brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime. 

I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the in- 
sex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They 
are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the exis- 
tance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, 
as man iz. 

I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, 
akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant. 

I luv tew go phooling arouud amung the animiles ov all 
kinds in a warm day ; i had rather set down bi the side ov an 
ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who 
won't work, and run him out ov tlie diggins, than tew set six 
hours at the opera and applaud what i don't understand, and 
weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the 
privilege ov doing it. 



THE MINK. 

THE mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew tlie musk rat, and haz 
sum things in common with him ; they both smell alike, 
lie iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive 
deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i 
knu ov. 



324 MONOGKAIFS 

His phur iz one ov tlie luxurys ov the present generashnn 
and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one doll«ii 
bills are. 

He haz no very strong peknliaritj ov karakter except hii 
perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the 
beaver and the musk rat. 

The mink haz 4 times the kunning tliat the musk rat haz. 
and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl's stocking. 

They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are 
skinned wliole. 

I liav trapt a good deal for mink and hav k:uight them 
jnity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap 
and keep thare as a ray ov light iz. 

Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, 
but i wouldn't beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze 
he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn't kno what the truth 
waz. 

1 et a piece ov biled wilekat ouce, and that haz lasted me 
ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild m.eat ennyhow. 

I lived 25 years ov mi life wbare game ov all kinds waz 
plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and 
then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste 
the time a leetle. 



THE DISTEIKT SKOOLMASTEE. 

THAKE iz one man in this basement world that i alwua 
look upon with inixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt. 

PiU]/ and resjpekt., az a genral mixtur, don't mix well. 

You will find them both traveling around amungf^t folks, 
but not growing on the same bush. 

"When they do hug each other, they mean sumthiiig. 

Pitty, without respekt, haiu't got mucli more oats \\\ it thaa 
disgust haz. 

I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed 
tlian tew pitty me 



THE DISTRIKT SKOOLilASTEE. 325 

But tliare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take 
oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, 
and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster. 

^Vhen 1 meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just return- 
ing from the stake, or on hiz way tliare tew be cooked. 

He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bach- 
elor, and a more anxious one than an old maid. 

He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az 
a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar. 

If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances 
are he will neglekt their larning ; and if he don't lick them 
now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him. 

The distrikt skoolmaster hain't got a friend on the flat side 
ov earth. The bovs snow-ball him durins^ recess : the srirls 
put wat-er in hiz hair die ; and the skool committee make him 
work for half tlie money a bartender gits, and board Lim 
around the naberhood, whare they giv him rliy coifee, sweet- 
ened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodlish bawls 3 times a 
day for vittles. 

And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt fckool- 
master swareing enny thing louder than — Condein it 

Don't talk tew nie about the pashunce ov anshunt Job, 

Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but 
they were all ov one breed. 

Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diflrent 
breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git 
a good head on them. 

A distrikt skoolmaster, nvuo duz a square job and takes hiz 
codiish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav >^e- 
ing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov liiz 
glory. 

Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a 
large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool 
hous. 

Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and 
boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager 
gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral daySj 
and a boss and wa^rgin tew do hiz ^oinc^ around in. 



326 MONOGEAFFS. 

But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster liain'* 
got any more warm friends than an old blind fox lioim Laz. 

He iz jisl about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz. 

He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a 
debt ov 50 dollars to and don't mean tew pay. 

He goes through life on a back road, azpoor azawood sled, 
and finally iz missed — but what ever bekums ov liiz remains, 
i kant tell. 

Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man ; if he waz, he 
couldn't enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a 
kross kut saw. 

W hi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and 
with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus mean- 
ing ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their 
destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew 
mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than 
enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the repro- 
bate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and 
flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, 
and hain't been heai-d to sware — whi iz it that they are treated 
like a vagnmt tiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the 
morning, and eagerly forgotten? 

1 had rather bum a coal pit, or keep the fiys out ov a 
butcher's shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the 
distrikt skool bizzness. 



SINGULAE BEINGS. 



THE POMPOUS MAN. 

THE pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad. 
He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate 
just bekauze he happens tew feel big. 

He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will 
(ake tlie trubble tew meazzure him. 

He iz a man ov small caliber^ but a good deal ov hore. 



SINGULAR BEINGS. 



32' 



Hiz family looks upon liiiii az tlie gratest man that the 
^orld haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits 
^^nnbbed often amungst folks, he rekonipenses himself bi 
going home and snubbing hiz family. 

THE OXE IDEA MAX. 

Tlie one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both 
eyes and goze for things 
inkontinently. He 
misses, ov course, often- 
er than he hits, but 
don't kno the differ- 
ence, and is always 
reddy to argue the 
question. Yu kant 
konvincf: him that he 
iz wrong enny more 
than you kan a hornet. 

One idea men are 
their own wust ene- 
mys, and there iz but 
one kure for them, and 
that iz tew agree with 
them. If yu think just 
az they do, they will 
soon want tew think 
sum other wav 




ARGUE 



THE YAKKEE, THAT IS ALAva - 
THE QUESTION. 

and that lets two ideas git into their bed, 
which makes them perhaps endurable. 



THE HAPPY MAX. 

The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he 
kant set down and deskribe it. 

Happiness iz like helth — thoze who hav the most ov It 
seem t^w kno it the least. 

Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happi- 
ness along the side ov the road just the same az jou would 



S28 MONOGRAITS. 

dandylions — noboddy but a natral born pliool kan do this j 
they are alwus happy, ov course. 

When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont 
cheat me, he only cheats himself. 

THE HENPECKED MAN. 

The henpecked man iz most generally married ; but thare 
are instances onreckord of single men being harrassed by the 
pullets. 

Yii kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if 
they are in the company ov their Avives. They look az hum- 
ble and resighned tew their fate az a hen tiirkej- in a wet 
day. 

Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man 
like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months' 
turn ov the fever and agy. 

The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their 
viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git 
liold ov a man that time {thanh the Lord I) who understood ah 
the hen-peck dod^res. 

One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex. 

The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts 
on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will 
git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve thai 
he will be captain ovhis household ; but the old woman soon 
takes the glory out ovhim, and handles him just az she would 
a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrek and 
had tew be jerked out dredful quick. 

THE OFFICIOUS M^VN. 

The officious man stands around nibbing his hands, anxious 
for a job. 

He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gi'ts snub- 
bed in one place, it don't seem tew diskourage him, but like 
the ily. he lights on another. 

The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, 
who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in 
front of yu and be stept on. 



SINGULAR BEINGS. 329 

TKeze kiud ov men spend their whole Uves trieing tew make 
friends ov all, and never succeed with any. 

There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi 
his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don't arise 
from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov 
stiking hiz noze into things. 

Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting. 

The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew him- 
self, and a nusance tew everyboddy else. 

I don't know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns 
tiian the officious mans, tV>r even in its very best phase, it sel- 
dom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common 
politeness. 

THE PHUXXT MA>'. 

Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the 
humor that iz in him. 

Hhejpkunny man iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit. 

Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff ; he celdum rizes abuv 
a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point 
even in that. 

He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural dis- 
trikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he 
opens his mouth. 

The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests arc 
sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered. 

Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the 
quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, 
and bad enuff done at that. 

It iz a dredful unfortunit thmg tew deal in cast oph jokes : 
for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a m.an 
all thru life. 

THE CHEEKY MAX. 

Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait inmost 
Buckcessful mens karakters. 

AH the nice thinors that hav bin sed in favour ov modestv. 



S30 MONOGRAFFS. 

fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of 
every-day life. 

Bold assurance, while it may often disgust iis. will wm 9 
times out ov 10. 

We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind 
ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man. 

Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, 
az he will on pitty. 

Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, buc intensely 
in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before tliem. 

The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a 
butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, 
but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this 
world, aur turn never seems tew come round. 

The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations 
which arize from having yielded tew others ; hiz logick iz that 
the arly bird gits the worm, and, I'egardless ov all delikasy, 
he goze for the worm. 

Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant 
sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you 
hav az mutch as a mule. 

THE Lr\'E MAX. 

The Live Jfan iz like the little pig ; he iz weaned young, 
and begins tew root arly. 

He iz the pepper-sass ov creation — the all-spice ov the world. 

One Zive JIan in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt 
skool — he sets evry boddy scratching at oust. 

A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month 
ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing "Home I 
sweet home !" while the molasis iz running, may be strictly 
honest, but he aint sudden enufF for this climate. 

The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a 
street kar — he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about 
what, the Lord only knows. 

He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more 
time tew spare tlian a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons. 



SINGULAR BEIXGS. 331 

He is like a decoy duck, alwiis above water, and lives at 
least IS months each year. 

He is like a ranaway hoss ; he gits the whole ov the road. 

He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze 
every boddy else duz. 

The live man is not always a deep thinker ; he jumps at 
conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don't alwus land at the 
spot he is looking at. 

He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners ; 
but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the great- 
ness of this countrj^ than any other man in it. 

He is jibt as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree. 

fie don't alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets 
death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss, 

THE FAUI.T-FINDER. 

Good Lord, deliver us from the Fait finder, one ov yure 
kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human crit- 
ters are alwuss fuU ov self consait ; if tha waz humble and 
wud dam themself okasionally, i wad try tew pity them. 
Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov 
No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shu maker insted ov his 
big feet ; he walks tew^ the depo tew^ saive hack-hire and 
misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table ; he 
kourts a gal til] she has tev/ marry sumboddy else tew keep 
from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous 
woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under pro- 
tess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha 
lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a 
fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. Tliese kind ov crittere never 
are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I 
never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sum- 
boddy 's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things 
and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for tliis 
dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results 
in starvashun. Goci Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder ! 
if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and 



S32 



MONOGKAFFS. 



if yu jine in with them ju onhi maik them mad ^vkh them 
eelfs. 

I had rather be a target for awl the bad Ink in this wnrld 
than tew go thru life shnteing a pizen arrow at awl the good 
Ink. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that 
fa It-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw 
potater ; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov 
Sshing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels. 

Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancv 



the singularest are tlie 



J S^FZ/VST^/i S 




JOSH AND THE EOKDEE iXJUN. 

YU inform m.e, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the 
sosiety "for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles." 
Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad 
«v it. 

It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahecl ov the preven- 
€hun ov kruelty tew humans. 



JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN. 333 

It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew anhniles, are kind 
tew hnmans. 

I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ovynre 
jissosiashun, Avliom vu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him 
personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall. 

In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the 
Injuns, and ask me, " if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the 
condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.'' 

Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionar}^, and go 
amung them, and labur for their good. 
The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss. 
He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who 
dont kno him the muchest. 

In the kompobishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden 
bekums a brik, aiul when the boys speak about him, they 
speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur. 

Most people kno tlie injun from the Hiawatha stand point, 
but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself. 

I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi 
misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with 
the nobel injmi az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, 
nor az |X)et8 hav tost him up. 

I hav saw hhn in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi 
opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at 
fust cost. 

Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick 
tew the stage boss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, 
and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the bor- 
der injun. 

Thare ain't a more villainous individual, now loafing around 
loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun. 

The mi unit an injun bekums what yu kail civilized, that 
minnit he iz spilte. 

A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a 
means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer. 

If thare "could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, 
whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blakman, nor blue man. 



^34 MOXOGIiAFFS. 

woiiid ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with tlie injuns now 
residing on our border, and let them civilize each other. 

I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the vai-ioiis 
tribes ov injuns. 

Sum are wuss tlian others, but civilizashun haz never been 
ov enny uze tew an injun. 

If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kntters, lie 
will tell yu the same story. 

Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and 
git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew knothe injun, 
mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him. 

Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all 
the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am 
tew blame for it. 

As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust boss, he iz, in mi 
opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure 
kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the 
rocky mountains. 

If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class mission 
ary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure 
skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the 
rest cv yure Hfe. 

The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the viilews ov 
civilizasliun, he iz satisfied with laming the vices, and only 
gtuddiz how tew improve on them. 

Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns 
natur. and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle 
out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze 
tw^o vices out ov enny specimen uv human natur, when they 
form the basis ov karakter. 

Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety. 
When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure 
revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder. 

When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell 
amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about 
the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel 
injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and 



JOSH AND THE BOKDEK IN.TUN. 



335 



lay mi venson at tlie feet ov a dark kompiekted butj, and 
several more things, ov this prerswasliim, but sum years after, 
i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken 
out ov me, never more tew cum back. 

I dont \vi6h tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who 
Lave made up their minds, that the injun iz a noljel kritter, but 
i will say tew them, 
sta,y at home, and en- 
joy yure sentiments. 

Dont go amung 
the nobel red man, 
now on our frontier, 
but stay at home, and 
write sum stanzas 
about him, and civil- 
ize him at a distance. 

I hay never had 
but one plan tew civ- 
ilize the injun, since 
i hav got Old enuff 
tew do him enny 
good, and this plan 
iz more unique, than 
elegant. 

Mi plan iz simpli 
thus,— let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civ 
ilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the 
injuns head, with the skin attached tew it. 

Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in nimiber one 
horror, at this plan, but i will bet ou tlie plan. 

This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i 
am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin. 

I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan o^ 
civilizashun, sumthing like it occuiTed in the palmy daze ov 
Xoah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be 
thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings 
and make sum more. 




330 MONOGRAFFS. 

This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, ^vipe 
them out, but here i pauze, i sav, dont make enn}- more. 

Tr}^ sum other breed ov human kritter. 

Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, 
haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, 
but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good 
men tew invest in the undertaking. 

Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kal- 
kulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint 
but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vine- 
yard ov the wild border savage, and tlioze, are theze, whoze 
piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull's 
eye every time. 

I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and 
let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze 
wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wig- 
wams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns. 

They will do it so that it will stay did. 

I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ^v 
yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, 
but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, 
unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and 
kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross 
wind. 



THE CUXXIXG MAN. 



CUEl^IXG iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere 
skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the 
stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz 
more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon. 

Cunning ain't good at begetting, it iz better at executing, 

it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole. 

The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, 

and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and 

fail tew git hiz mouse. 



THE CU>'NI^^G MAX. 337 

Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an imsldllful 
trapper, who knows liow tew set a trap, but hain't got the wis- 
dum tew bait it. 

Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav 
seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a 
iioss awkwardly. 

Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wiso 
man, the cunning man's wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov 
hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the cor- 
ner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, 
stowed away in hiz heart, and don't use hiz wisdum tew find 
ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up. 

Cunning men have gi'ate caution, bekauze they serpoze 
themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching 
others. 

They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petro- 
leum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them 
tew fetch them tew a focus sudden. 

It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the 
same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging 
and kissing each other very much. 

Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov 
wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but 
looks and ackts just like his ma. 

It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cun- 
ning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, 
and hiz windings, liiz in's and hiz outs, the parables in which 
he talks, and the double en tenders ov hiz facf;, awl that he 
duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt. 

Cunning men's advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their 
wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also 
composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew 
mutch for a stiddy diet. 

If you don't understand wiggling yourself, or the rudi- 
ments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning 
man. 

Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and ^vill continue 
22i 



838 MONOGRAFFS. 

on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools wiU last az long 
az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their repatashun. 

Cunning iz alwns selfish, bekanze it iz not ov mutch 
breadth, while wisdum can affora tew be magnanimous, and 
hav sumthing left over. 

But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out^ 
yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, 
M'hen the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole. 

Cunning men are not very dangerous, tliey hav so mutch 
vanitv, and their vanitv satisfied their ambition iz, and when 
vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than 
alarmed. 

Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more 
useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sud- 
den, and less sempeloas. 

It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a 
clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning 
one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and con- 
trol, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, 
lavs down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man 
he meets. 

Cunnino" men hav manny associates, hut few intimates, they 
sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they 
cum to divide the plunder. 

The Deceitful Cuss. — An open enemy, a hearty hater, a 
bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a 
reckless corapanyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, 
and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in 
them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking Deceit^ who, under 
the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tob- 
baker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evrv- time he tells yu 
the truth. 

Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes 
are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face 
ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an im- 
[)romptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she 
opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to doit 
^onestlv. 



THE CU^\N1NG MAN. 



339 



These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanitj 
and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lioo 
under a sheep's skin. 

It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum 
only for the sake ov being cunning, that lie will perfect him- 
self in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake 
ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that 
he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, 
that he will practiss the rudhnents ov awl the virtews ov 
soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace 
what iz shameful and wicked to do at all. 

I hav know men ov this brand, who where not wholly 
malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow 
if they could cheat yu to-day, who decei\'e not entirely for 
gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent 
traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake. 

But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a 
mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its 
viktim, "very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, 
but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew 
play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative. 

It don't cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they war. 
rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but 
letting them go only makes them the more cunning. 

Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders 
and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the 
pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and 
the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but 
what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping 
post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body 
into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and 
warms up into a viper. 

Ino-ratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men 
hate, but leave the punishment to heaven. 

The DomesUh Man iz ov a maskuline and feminine ten- 
dencv— half and half— and sumtimes more so. 

He kan most generallv be found at home — ^when he amt 
wanted. 



340 MONOGRAFFS. 

He iz a kind ov second lutennant in liiz family, under hafif 
pay, "with promiss of promoshun. 

He kan beat liiz wife bileing soap, or nussin^tliebaln^, and 
slie kan beat him, in the 4th Avard, running for perlice consta- 
bel. 

He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything — when hiz wife iz. 

He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such 
by the whole family. The ser\-ant3 laff at him, and the chil- 
dren dont fear him. 

He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg^ and just 
about az dangerous. 

Hiz wife marrid him, not out or love, but out ov pitty ; 
tmd pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into dis- 

T7ie Generous Man. — Generosity iz an instinkt — a kind ov 
natral crook — a weird child ov the heart. 

It iz diffrent from profusion ; profusion iz most alwus the 
decoy duck ov vanity. 

Generosity iz diffrent from charity ; charity iz the impulse 
ov reason. 

It iz diffrent from justiss — justiss iz 16 ounces tew the 
pound, and no niorc. 

Generosity \z sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing 
less than profusion ; it iz the good a man duz, without being 
able tew give enny reazon for it. 

If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will 
hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong. 

Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth : no one ever saw a 
generous man who waz a coward or a liar. 

Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks 
faith, and faith ha:: won holier laurels than prudence ever did. 

The frenerous man chastens hiz o^ifts with the assurance that 
the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz. 

lie takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking 
hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up. 

Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than i\ 
haz over love. 



FKEQUEXT KlilTTERS. 



\n 



This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writ- 
mo: about. 



FEEQUEXT KFwITTERS. 



THE LOAFER. 

THE loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dis- 
pized just for the privilege ov abuzing others. 

He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the 
l)ench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leana 
aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August. 

He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koai*se jests are re- 
echoed, and whare ^^^^^ 

to be in hiz konfi- ,^ j^,^^AL^ ■^^i<^ 

dence iz konsidered 
an honor. 

He iz not alwiis 
destitute ov kommon 
sense, and quite 
often iz the author 
ov jests which pass 
upon the unwary for 
humor and even wit. 

He haz no pride 
that is worthy, and 
haz no delikasy that 
enny boddy kan hurt. 

Daring hiz boy- 
hood he kills kats 
and sells their hides 
to the hatters, and frkqi-ent kritters. 

robs all the hens' nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood 

During hiz middle lire iie begs all the tobacco he uses, and 
drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else's ex- 
pense. 

During liiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and sum- 
mers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he ia 




342 MONOGRAFFS. 

buried in a dich, like an omnibus boss, witb biz old sboes on. 

Tbis iz a trew ackount ov tbe life and adventures ov 
tbe ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov buinan 
kritters coining onto tbe platform ov life every six montba 
wboze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers. 

Tbe loafer kares nothing for pnblik opinyun, and this alone, 
will make any man a loafer. 

Tbe loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a 
man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az be 
kan git without digging. 

THE PROJEKTOR. 

Tbe projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often 
like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew batch out, 
and when it iz batched out, yu kan't alwus tell what kind ov 
a breed tbe thing iz. 

He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years 
trieing tew Lild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 
qnarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist 
az he reaches out tew grab it. 

He haz dun sum dredfnl good things for mankind, but too 
often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz. 

Tbe projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but biz genius iz 
frequently liK:e the genius ov a goose, thare ain't no one kau 
beat them at standing on one legg. 

I bav known theze breed ov pholks tew (}vi'.^ out a long 
life, richer in their own estimashun than Crffisiis, and }x;orer 
in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus. 

They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if 
ever they do diskover perpetual mosliun, they will sell tbe 
principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or IS dollars, and 
starve tew death on the glory ov it. 

I bav known several ov these poor pbellows in mi life, and 
only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all 
over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby. 

I bav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partik- 
ular pholly be iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, fol 



FREQUENT KRITTERS 34:3 

tliare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than th? 
man, who iz snre that to-morrow will put the finishing touched 
tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a 
kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov 
calfs liver. 

But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope foi 
iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making 
a inse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and 
tirially die, and leave the tune haii finished. 

THE KOXDEM PHOOL. 

Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, 
laying around loose in the world, one iz the lutiral^ and the 
other iz the 'kmidem. 

Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which 1 
shall tutch lightly before I git thru. 

The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi 
the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds. 

He liaz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heav- 
enly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse 
weed and the rank thissell. 

The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew 
all the credit ov the job. 

Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz 
fier other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like 
a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence 
with hiz head, and finds the stmi fence too much for the oc- 
kashun. 

He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov 
V>eeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him. 

The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make 
him all the the suckcess he could ask for. and that one thing 
iz common sense. 

Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, 
they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az 
lie and molassis raixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs 
nil around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would 



344 MONOGRAFF&. 

take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az hn^sej a;» 
the nek ov a ded goslin. 

The kondem phool iz the kaiize ov most all tnibble thart 
iz in this world, he ain't ahviis malishus, but iz alwus a phool. 

I divide the populashnn ov the whole world into 2 heaps, 
and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, 
i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish. 

It is veiTj easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kaij 
be one, and not suspekt it. 

Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon 
the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand 
alwus being phull up tew the supply. 

I rekolekt ov oust saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, 
(i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and 
don't let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov 
the world would be bothered tew git a good living. 

Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew 
introduce the following: 

The " Profeshional Phool," one who travels for a living. 

The " Wag Phool," one who is a phool on private ackount. 

The "Bizzness Phool," one who either Bulls or Bears 
everything in the market. 

The "Pvadikal Phool," one who kant help it. 

The " Conservatiff Phool," one who kan help it, but wont. 

The " Meek Phool," one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls 
to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast. 

The " Hipreshure Phool," one who, like the hornet, alwus 
keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun. 

The "Silly Phool," one who thinks the whole civilized 
world iz in luv with him. 

The " Wise Phool," one who thinks he knoze all things, 
and Invs everyboddy. 

And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds 
ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now. 

THE PRECISE MAN, 

Tlie "Precise Man," sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, 
and when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each eide ov hiz hed» 



INDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 345 

and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the tbing ded 
even. 

If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so — if he iz 
a bachelor it must be more so. 

He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror fol 
all odd numbers. 

He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew 
bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov 
taking a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a 
dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter. 

The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well 
broke az a setter dog's, for he seldum makes a false point. 

He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in tlie 
naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner. 

He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from 
pride az from principle. 

He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav 
them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov 
Homer. 

Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and 
she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe 
sope. 

The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease 
hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up 
the old wodden klok in the kitchen. 

He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded 
and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out 
with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg 
whare his hat alwus hung. 



IXDIYIDUAL FOLKS. 



THE OBTUSE itAX. 



THE obtuse man iz sawed off scpiare at both e^ids, and iron 
bound like a beetle. 
He Unds out the hard spot in things by nmning aginst 



S46 MOXOGRAiTS. 

them, and like the merino ram, sliuts up both eyes when lie 
buttB. 

It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a 
wedge into a pepperidge log. 

He alwus sez " IW to what he don't understand, and iz 
az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone. 

He often sets himself np for a w^ise man, and sumtimes a 
wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore. 

He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cums tew viie he iz 
az well seasoned az a foot-ball. 

If he waz a going tew liv iiiz life over again, he tells yu, 
he wouldn't alter it, only he '.vould eat more raw onions and 
be a hard-shell baptist. 

Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be 
very vi scions, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, 
but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide 
open. 

THE POSATIFF MAN. 

Tlie po'^atiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, 
and then tells yu he knew he shouldn't vrin. 

He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and 
if it don't happen he knew that too. 

If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an 
accident, it waz sumthing that couldn't help but happen. 

He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit 
what he kicks at. 

Yu kant tell him ennythino^ new, nor ennything old, he h 
more certain ov things than Webster's unabridged dickshion- 
ary. 

The less certain yu are the more posatifi he iz. 

He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned 
out at last tew be a good hit. 

The posatifF man haz too little cunning tew be very mali- 
ehus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and 
tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are 
pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest 



IWDIVIDUAL FOLKS. 347 

THE CROSS MAN. 

The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, fol- 
lowed by dies. 

He iz i\z soui- az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of 
silk, iz alwns reddy for a snarl. 

He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way throusrh, but 
about what, he kan't tell, tew save hiz life. 

Everylxxldy at home fears him, and ever^-boddy in the 
street dispizes him. 

He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels 
savage, every bod dy else must feel humble. 

Tbare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, 
nor none eazyer tew kure. 

He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good 
knok down will do so. 

THE PASHTJNT MAN. 

The paehunt man never sez " dam ii^'' however much he 
may think so. 

He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov 
musketeze tew turn hiz skales. 

He kan't tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu a«k him ; 
it may be nothing but numbness after all. 

Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its 
power tew resist temptashun. 

It ain't but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt. 
not even in fiy time. 

E,eal pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung 
the gifts ; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew. 

The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man's pashunce on, iz a 
kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer 
eveiy time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and 
brain both. 

THE FUNNY MAN. 

The funny man kan't open hiz mouth without letting a 
joke fiy out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz p^. lied out. 



348 MOXOGRAFPS. 

Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz onl v 
desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don't stoop so low. 

The funny man's jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he 
reaches tew the dignity oy a poor pun, and hiz yanity then 
absorbs all hiz humor. 

It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az 
dredful az the counterfiting bizzness. 

Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, 
not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, 
they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see 
enny real wit leave t'lis world, for i rhink genuine wit, iz az 
good az religion. 

THE HONEST MAX. 

Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser. 

Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable. 

If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the de- 
mand. 

Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git 
it, and then work harder tew keep it. 

Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov» 
and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount. 

You couldn't put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden 
ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn't be found. 

Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk \'illage. waz an 
honest man, he wouldn't hunt for hen's eggs on Sunday, but 
he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggg^ 
just tew save eggs. 



PECULIAK ONES. 



THE SQUARE MAX. 

THE square man meazzures the same each way, and hainj 
got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him. 
He is free from knots and sap, and won't wai*]). 



PECULIAR ONES. 



349 



He iz Idear stuff, aud I don't kare what vu work him up 
into, he won't swell, and he won't shrink. 

He is amungst men what good kil-di'ied boards are amung 
carpenters, he won't 
season-krack. 

It d o n't make 
enny difference 
which side ov him 
yu cum up to, he iz 
the same biggness 
each way, and the 
only way tew o-it at 




him, enny how, is 
tew face him. 

He knows he iz 
square, and never 
spends enny time 
trieing tew prove it. 

The square man 
iz one ov the best- 
shaped men the 
world haz ever pro- 
duced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter 
tew fit a spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit hiin. 



PECULIAR ONES. 



THE OBLONG MAX. 

The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he 
duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every 
time yu want tew use him. 

The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way 
to-morrow. 

He ain't alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only 
unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that 
he iz sorry that he waz bilt so. 

Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and wiU 
fit most enny kind ova spot with a very little altering. 



350 MONOGRAFFS. 

THE PEKPINDIKLAR MAN. 

The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, 
and iz az uprite az a lamp-post. 

He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around 
loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, ar.d 
that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good. 

I don't like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are 
things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew bok 
aginst. 

I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus 
git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by 
himself. 

THE LliTBER MAX. 

The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber s|>ecimint uv 
humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch with- 
out brealdng. 

He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies 
bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in 
such a bad place that he kant be mended agiu. 

Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to 
manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, 
yu find them pizon slippery. 

Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they 
kant even tell themselfs what the}^ are going tew do next. 

W^hen a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like 
a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare. 

Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be 
better if they did, f oi* a still phool iz one ov the safest people 
we hav. 

/ THE JOLLY 3LVX. 

Jolly men are most alwus good men. 

It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good, 
natnr. 

I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows, who 
were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz. 



x*ECULlx\K ONES. o51 

Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat puiTs the most, 
she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry. 

I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity. 

When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happ\ and karelesa 
tew be vicious. 

I hav seen people v^'ho could laii long and loud, but thare 
was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena 
when they imitate the wail of an infant. 

'Tifi true we kant alwuss tell al)0ut theze things, but if we 
watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, 
when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether 
the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz 
only the aroma ov the hikkups. 

THE PE"WTER MAX. 

The pewter man "akes hiz name from the old-fashioned 
pewter spoon, made o.^t ov cheap material, impossible tew 
keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny 
thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus hat! 
dollar. 

Puter men are miijlitv common here on earth, not only 
kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they 
don't amount tew mutch. 

They ain't exactly phools ; if they was, we could deskribe 
them better. 

They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whet- 
stuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew 
keep up the assortment. 

They never do enny thing veiTy good or verry bad, and go 
thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green 
apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to. 

THE FITEIXG MAX. 

The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw 
(»ii him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung. 

lie haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and 
an ugly pug noze. 



352 MONOGRAFFS. 

Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul anotlier 
human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it. 

All biz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calle 
it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt. 

Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, 
and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with 
hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar. 

He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle 
yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable 
him tew outwit hiz adversary. 

THE PRECISE ilAN. 

The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, 
and meazzures just 3P; inches tew the yard. 

He Iz more partiklar about heingjitsi so, then he iz about 
being right. 

Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and 
kant be kured. 

He iz most alwus what we kail a virtewous man at heart, 
but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind. 

He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass. 

He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and 
Bumtimes the very hour that enny important event took 
place. 

He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the nabor- 
hood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grand- 
father tell what sort ov a kloud it waz that the lightning cum 
out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, 
and knoked the v.-eathercock on it into the shape ov a cocked 
hat. 

The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and 
tr iflin g incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew 
him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else. 

He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az s 
last year's Farmers' Allminax. 

He is az set in hiz ways az an old goose tricing tew hatch 
out a glass egg» 



COQUETT AND PKUDE. S53 

COQUETT AND PEUDE. 

MENNY essays liav bin writ on the natur ov woman, 6e1> 
ting forth her aspirashuns, her genius, her impulses, the 
delikate mechanicks ov her pashnns, the aroma ov her heart, 
the soft leading strings ov her dispisishun, the cast iron forti- 
tude ov her resolves, and the lurid glare ov her love and her 
hate. 

1 hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi 
long cultivated opinyim, that woman and her character in the 
lump, iz like the ranebo in the East, butiful beyond language, 
full ov promis and impossible tew paint. 

In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call woman the 
lesser light, the moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along 
the buzzum ov the skey on an errand ov love, light for the 
hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher while the world sleeps, 
queen ov the night, jeweled with stars. 

I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which can't 
reach perfection without a pole to climb, and then often mount- 
ing far al)0ve the pole. 

Man i call the sun, filling the earth with phrenzy, woman 
the moon, that chastens the twilight, and steals through the 
lattice to play on the hearth-stone. 

Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be 
the blotting out ov the sun, or the moon. 

Each one haz their appointment, which should not be 
changed. 

When the moon gits betw^een the earth and the sun, then 
vvG alwus have an eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, 
the arktekt ov men, monkeys and things, haz given me and 
mi wife two paths to travell, side by side, and both ending at 
the same goal. 

Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competi- 
tion, that what one iz both may be, i shall belea^ e this when 
the roze bush bears butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume 

Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be strange 
t£ we shouldn't find a variety, sum even that are urlovely, 
23t 



354 



MONOGRAPFS. 



for pei-fecksbun don^t inhabit this world, not even in the di» 
gmze ov a woman. 

T'hare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, 
that is devoted to the culture of two funnj, and very contrary 




COQUETT AND PRUDF. • • 

vegatahles, one is lokated in the south east coiTiCr of the licart, 
and the other at the northern, or frigid end. 

The southern crop is coquetry, and th ; nortliern one is 
pruder)^ 

Snmtiiiies these patches are cultivated mure assidiously, to 
the neglekt ov awl the rest, and f onn the staple crop of the 
heart. 

Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels 
its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don't 
seem to care who gits hurt. 

It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider for 
its viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than 
in keeping him 



CJOQUETT A^V PRUDE. 355 

A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush; ii the springtime 
of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, fuL of thorns. 

Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but 
the fi'agrant gl or}- of a coquett is not of this breed. 

This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good 
ones, and spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill 
digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems 
of viktorys without honour, mouraful az a cypruss, chanting 
their own dirges. 

Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the 
hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and co- 
quets, are the extremes of the same pashun s, and the philoso- 
phers tell us, that " extremes meet." A prude skorns tew 
make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, 
she hates a man with her love. 

A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give 
the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest 
prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn co- 
<iuets, who are too decrepid to take the field. 

Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in 
couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the 
prude kan nuss the dieing viktim. 

But prudes and coquetts never agree ; two ov a trade sel- 
dom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, and the old 
age ov both iz bitterness. 

Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled ; 
and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty. 

Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find 
enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by 
fiatterys. 

But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patehes 
in her heart; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts 
teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the 
remorseless pruning-hook of the prude. 

It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz 
notnmg more than a coquett gone to seed. 

I would rather he a coquett than a prude ; thare iz some 



356 MOXOGRAFFS. 

fun in it — tbare is viktory in it ; while prudery, at best, iz 
only a defeat in an inglorious cauze. 

Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az bard to tame 
az a patridgc, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, 
besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to 
their daughters ; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest 
kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough. 

In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, 
that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets ; all 
that they bag afterward are of the same breed az themselves : 
and to the prudes I would suggest that wimmin are growing 
more plenty every year, and that thare are but fev" ov them, 
who insist upon it, that will pay the wear ?nd tear ov a 
hmniliating and laborious siege. 



FOLKS WE ALL IvXO. 



THE EFFEMINATE MAN. 

THE effeminate man is a weak poultiss. 
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with 

the cork left out ov the bottle over night. 

He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his 
hands filled with dandylions. 

He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub — a kitten in pan- 
tylets — a sick monkey with a blonde mustash. 

He is a vine without enny tendrills — a fly drowned in sweet 
ile — a paper kite in a ded calm. 

He lives as the butterflise do — noboddy kan tell whi. He 
is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless 
as a shirt button without enny button-hole. 

He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a 
last year's grasshopper. 

He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny 
gissard. 



rOLKS WE ALL KNO. oo i 

He ^"-oes tliru life on liis tiptose, and dies like colone watei 
spilt on the ground. 

THE JEALOUS iLVN 

The Jtolous 3fan iz alwus a-liimting. 

He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expecfet 
tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he 
haz. 

Thezc fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and vet they are about 
the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus 
happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable. 

Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness 
— dreadful sick and kan't vomit. 

THE A270XYMOUS MAX. 

The Anonymous Man boards at a red taveni, and pays 
for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any 
more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain't 
trumps. 

He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices. 

He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and 
noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare. 

He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert 
ov Sarah. 

He sprung from a respektable family ; his great grand- 
father woz a justiss ov the peace ; but he has not got vanity 
enuif tev/ brag on it. 

He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye 
watcli iz ; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett stillj 
and iim quietly down. 

THE STIFF :MAN. 

The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. 
He don't seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that 
iz lokated in hiz noze. 

He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard. 

He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muz- 



S5S MOXOGRAl'rS. 

zell, and when lie goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but 
don't dew eimy dammage. 

I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man. 

This kind ov st^ff man \z verry handy tew flatter. They 
seem tew know tliev ain't entitled tn a good artikle, and, 
tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap. 

Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on wLat they acktu- 
ally know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they ack- 
tually feel. 

Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare 
ain't no such thing as aristokrats in this country. 

The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum 
Indian in him. 

Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and 
have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew 
git a big skare at what they ain't afraid ov. 

Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress 
from our distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that 
hav been able tew git limber sinse. 

THE MODEL M.VX. 

The Modd Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting ; 
never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent 
shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav 
it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes when- 
ever a lady enters the street kars ; remembers your uncle 
plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat's 
tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon ; 
reads the Phlnny Phellow, and laffs bekause he kan't help 
it ; hooks up hiz wife's dress, and plays boss with the chil- 
dren. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans ; goes 
eazily of errands and cums back in seazon ; attends every- 
boddy's phuneral ; kan always tell when the moon changes ; 
thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to ; 
follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own ; praktices most ov 
the virtews without knowing it ; leads the life ov a shorn 
lamb ; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew 
save making enny further trubble. 



THE XEAT PERSON. 359 

The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews re- 
spekted. He lives in the memory of the worid just about 
az long az a pleasant day diiz. 

He may be called a " clever feller," and that iz only a 
libel ; but he will git hiz reward hereafter — when the birds 
get theirs. 



THE XEAT PERSON 



"IVrEATNESS, in my opinynn iz one ov the virtews, I hav 
-LI alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while 
I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did 
understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fear- 
ful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in be- 
ing a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable 
pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making ever^^boddj nn 
eazy who kum in kontackt with it. 

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail beds in 
the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in 
hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the t}Tant of 
its viktim. 

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on 
the wall paper ov their spare i-oom enny quicker than they 
would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would 
hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs 
were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would 
hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with 
the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself — espeshily 
in mi soup. 

Thare iz no persons in the world vrho work so hard and so 
eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness ; but they don't 
seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly 
cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, 
and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin. 

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, 
they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean 



^^^^ MONOGRAFFS. 

a hole right tlini the side ov the hogslied in less than 3 
months. 

They will keep a whole house dirtjthe year round cleaning 




THE NEAT PERSON. 



it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother 12 
either bileing soap or making dip handles. 

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, 
and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew </it 



OUR OLDEST IXHABITAXTS— TWO OF THEM. 361 

dirtj. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not a.\\v\is very 
literary, but thev kuovr soft water from hard bi looking at it, 
and thev kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt 
best. They are sum like a kitchin gar din — very regularly 
laid out, l)ut not planted yet. 

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I woulJ 
love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds 
ov neatness ; but i think we would keep house by travelling 
round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, 
and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the 
whole ov the United States ov Amerika. 



OUR OLDEST IXHABITAXTS— TAVO OF THE:^^. 



JOHN BASCOMB. 

JOHy Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Haccoon 
county, State ov Iowa. 

He iz 196 years old, and kan read tine print by moonlite 
33 feet oph. 

He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent 
him 10 dollars ten buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with. 

He lit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1S12, like>vize 
in the late melee, and sez he v/on't take sass now from enny 
man living. 

He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die 
for hiz religion. 

He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell 
iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez 
that one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work on the same 
vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites. 

He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he 
lernt how ten cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud. 

He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, 
and sez that no other licker is helthy He thinks * horns a 
day iz enuff for helth. 



362 



MONOGRAFFS. 



He haz alwiis voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 
yeai-s, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to 
vote for Jim Buchanan. 

He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin's rite 
convenshun. 

His gratest desire, he tells me, iz ten see Gen. Jackson, and 
sez that he sliallgo next year down ten Tennesee ten see hin». 

He fatted a hog 
last year, with hiz 
own hands, that 
weighed 636 pounds 
after it waz drest and 
well dried out. He 
iz very cheerful, and 
sez he won 7 dollars 
on the weiD:ht ov this 




JOHN' BASCOMB. 



hog, out ov one ov 
the deakons ov the 
hard-shell church. 
He deklares this ten 
he one ov the proud- 
est acksidents ov hiz 
life, for the deakon 
waz known far and 
near az a tite kuss. 
He tells me that 
for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, 
and haz arozen at precisely 5 o'clock the next day. 

The fust thing he diiz in the morning iz teu take a short 
drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he 
re^ds the allmanax. (/ will here state that itiz " Josh BiU 
lingi Farmers^ Ahnana^'^ that he reads') 

I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. 
He pronounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell 
drink, whiskey un<idorned^ waz the only speerits that never 
went bak on a man. 

Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et f nnx 



OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS— TWO OF THEM. 363 

Blices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 
hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, 
a small plate ov slapjax, siim phew pickles, and cold cabbage 
and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday's dinner. 
Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he selduni et enny- 
thiiig but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sumkoldham, 
and snm iujun puddin tew top oph with. 

Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov 
kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, 
once in a grate while, a phew slices o v kold ham, with mustard 
and boss reddish. 

I examined hiz bed and found that he had all the usual 
bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun. 

He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled m»e Yankee 
Doodle, with variashuns. 

He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't done ennything at the 
trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, 
but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett. 
He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used 
ten hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare 
down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the 
kaudle appendix still remaining. 

On the subjekt ov marriage hiz bed seems ten be ded level. 
He sed " that he had been married 15 times, and proposed 
again ten Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who 
waz 28 years old." 

I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining 
the lady's hand, and he sed " it lay between him and one 
Theodorus Wbitney, a travelling korn doctor," and added " if 
Whitney didn't look out he would enlarge his head for him." 
Upon mi asking him what he attributed his im^mense life 
and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice: 

" To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard 
shell dcktering, and voting unanimously the doraokratik 
ticket." 

I thankt him very mutch for tlie informashun he had given 
»xie ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to 



364 MCxNOGKAirS. 

mi putting it iuto print, and lie manifested a great desire that 
i should do so, not forgetting ten make special irienshun ov 
what he had 8ed about enlarging Whitney's hed for him, foi 
he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood. 

I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hoin-s, 
and thought over ten miself, if thare waz enny two rules for 
long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike. 

The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum 
akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how 
he managed. 

ELIZIBETH MEACHEM. 

Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township 
whare she resides) iz one ov tlie rarest gems ov extenuated 
mortality that has ever been mi blessed Ink ten enkounter. 

She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only 
about 194: years old. Next to Lot's wife she iz the best pre- 
served woman the world kontains. 

I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and 
in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a 
phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream 
ov quicksilver down an inklined plain. 

I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov 
them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than 
Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle. 

Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply 
bekauze she couldn't die without cutting short one ov her 
story s. 

I asked her teu show me her tounge — I wanted to see if 
that member waz badly worn ; but she couldn't stop it long 
enuff teu sho it. 

This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny 
partikular habit. 

She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, 
by out-talking them. 

The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood 
ov her language with, waz the fashions ; but this waz a sub- 
jekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan't mutch. 



OUR OLDEST INILIBITAXT^— TWO OF THEM. o65 

As a last hope ov drawing lier out upon siiin fakts az teu 
her intxle ov life, i tiitched upon that all-absorbing topick ten 
both old and yiing — i refer now teu matrimony. 

Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use 
her own words, " waz too lazy teu talk, or ten listen while she 
talked, and so he died.'' 

Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor 
listener, and, tharetbre, he died. 

Her third husband waz a deff and duni man, and, az she 
remarked, '' either he or she had got teu die, and the man 
died.' 

Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died 
early. 

In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in alL 

Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly : 

" Elizabeth Meachem, yu hav been mutch marrid. ana 
mutch an inkosolate widder — at what time ov life do yu thins 
the man-id state ceazes teu be preferable T' 

She replied : 

" T a must ask sumboddy older than i am/' 



GOOD EEZOLUSHUXS FOE 1872, 1873 & 1874. 

THAT i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum bodj 
else's expense. 

That i wont borry nor lend — espeshily lend. 

That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted 
tew do it. 

That i will be polite tewevry boddy, except muskeeters and 
bed-bugs. 

That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov ad- 
vise they are anxious tew follow. 

That i wont wear enny more tite boot^, if i hav tew go bare- 
foot tew do it. 

That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined 
fork. 

That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless ikan swop two 
for one. 

That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, 
unless he happens tew be blue. 

That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath. 

That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 
shillings a gallon. 

That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing 
in disguise. 

That i will take mi whisky hereafter straigiit — straight te\f 
the gutter. 

That the world owes me a living— provided i eani it 

S66 



GOOD KEZOLi: SHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 187i. •'♦37 

That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az lie will stick tew 

me. 

That i wont swop enn j hosses with a deakon. 

That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az po- 

litenesskontinnes m'^ur^,. 

I RESOLVE ^^.'''^^'1%'oor 




tesv be az cheap az it 
iz now. 

That i wont hav- 
en n y religious 
kreed miself, but 
will respekt every 
boddy else's. 

That if lovely 
woman smaks me on 
one cheek, i will 
turn her the other 
also. 

That if a man kails 
me a phool, i Avont 
ask him to prove it. 
That i will lead a 
moral life, even if i 
lose a good deal ov 

pliun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will 
beleave what he sez without trieing it. 

That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with 
him, for it ?z a tuff bizness tew looze a goose. 

That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall 
insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking 
phiind. 

That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it 
the seckond time. 

That it iz just az natral tew be born ritcb az poor, buL it iz: 
seldum so convenient. 

That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak o^ 
a 60 day note. 



368 MISCELLANEOUS. 

That the best time tew repent ov a blunder fe just before 
the bhmder is made. 

That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi 
dara luk tew miss it. 

That i won't grow ennj kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed 
the bissness. 

That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money 
) kan earn tew do it. 

That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarsei 
every day. 

That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i ];an re 
spekt myself in doing it. 

That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won't 
envy him, but i will pity the ansestors. 

That i wont beleave in enny gliost or ghostesses unless they 
weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square rneal. 

That i won't bet on nothing, for things that require betting 
on,lak surathing. 

That i will bi-ag on mi wife all the time, but 1 will do it 
silently. 

That i won't be suprised at ennything, not even tew be 
told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus 
died ritch. 

That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov mal- 
ice, but out ov wisdum. 

That i won't hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i 
think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it. 

That i won't wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i 
was purer than i am. 

That i won't kovet enny man's wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz 
kornstalks. nor the color ov hiz mustash. 

That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it 
makes me gro phatt or not. 

Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for thins^s that 
are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov 
brass music, Wimmins' rights convenshuns and grass widders 
generally. 



MY FUST GONG. 36i> 

MY FUST GONG. 

I NEVER kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov 
the first gong I ever herd — i was setting on the frunt 
stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufierlo, pensively a smok* 
in. 

The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere 
was bhishing at the purformanse. 

The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa 
tualhany, and i was perusin tlie line botes, a fiotin by, and 
thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, 
and galhts wimmin. 

Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, 
i felt grate, i aktually grew. 

Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar 
times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees- 
speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho 
he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost 
sware he was a bank president. 

Thats what ailed me. 

But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz 
Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) 
just az i was doing my best, • • • • dummer, dummer, 
spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, 
rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, • • • • 
with onetremenjis jump, i struck the senter ovthe sidewalk, 
with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in 
the middle ov the strets snorting like a mjinponey, at a band 
ov musik ; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi 
harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as 
luce as a string ov prairy beads. 

I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, 
i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn. 

I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when 
the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand 
holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle. 

He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu 
24t 



TO MISCELLANEOUS. 



liim, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong ; i saw the cus 
sed thing, he ced supper was reddj, he axed me if i would hav 
black or green tea and i ced i would. 



KOEK 

KOR!N iz a serial, i am glad ov it. 
It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and 
m her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like. 

Korn iz sumtimes called maize, and it grows in sum parts 
of the western country, very amaizenly. 

I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don't mean the aktual 
kom itself, but the tree on which it grows.) 

Korn haz ea 's, but never haz but one ear, which iz az delf 
az an adder. 

Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made 
out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuiiest chunks. 
ov the bread purswashun, known tew man. 

Kom dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt 
into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a 
hot fire. 

"When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a 
isiedge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, 
and are reddy tew be chawed upon. 

They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gTo ten- 
der, and a oog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and 
then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more. 

I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodg- 
er without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve 
to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger. 

They git the name dodger from the im.megiate necessity 
ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger. 

It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a 
•kom dodger, that iz only three hours old. 



KORN. 



Koni was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare thej 
found it I don't kno, and i don't know as i care. 

Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and wliis* 
kee io one ov the greatest blessings known tew man. 

We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons 
with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if 
it want for noble whiskee. 

"We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosi* 
at J, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize Utes, nor good 
murders, nor phatt 
aldermen, nor whis- 



i cARfFUL 




kee rings, nor noth- 
ing, if it want for 
blessed whiskee. 

If it want for korn, 
how could ennybod- 
dy git korned ? 

And if it want for 
gitting korned, what 
would life be worth ? 

We should all sink 
down to the level ov 
the brutes if it want 
for gitting konied. 

The brutes don't 
git korned, they 
haint got enny 
reason nor souL 

We often hear ov " di-miken hriites;' this is a komplimenfc 
to oxen which dont belong tew them. 

Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are 
brigadeer-ginerals. 

Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty pud din. 

Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat. 

All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the 
last ov the puddin. 

Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent dow» 



S72 MISCELLANEOUSS. 

into Egipt after sum kom, but his brotliers didn't want him 
to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit. 

When his brothers got back hum, and were asked wjiare 
Joe waz, they didn't acknowledge the korn, but lied sum. 

It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or 
€nny ov the other vegetables. 

Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, 
it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade. 

Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that 
iz a kob. 

This kob runs thi*u the middle ov the korn, and iz as phuU 
ov korn as Job waz ov biles. 

I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how 
he managed tew set down in a chair. 

Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without 
hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts. 

Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the 
Bquare inch, than iz usual. 

One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel 
iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more. 

I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum 
parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint 
no good law aginst stealing it. 

In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, 
and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a 
shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and 
sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all. 



ADYERTIZEMEKT. 



I KAN seU for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, 
a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the 
virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land 
is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pas- 
tor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, 
and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder ; streams ov spark 



ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS. 373 

ling gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilder* 
ness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grass- 
hopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits 
through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like 
the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks^ 
m golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and 
sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun 
iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with 
rubiz and the mother ov pearl ; the floors are ov rosewood, 
and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of 
heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry 
apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, 
or art could portray. The stables are vv'orthy of the steeds 
ov Ximrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery Avaz bilt 
expressly for the birds of paradice ; whi'le somber in the dis- 
tance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the 
dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze — 
here skulptors hav cut. here painters hav robbed the scene ov 
dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the 
stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Xex north- 
ward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain 
ov the Duke John Smith ; while southward, and nearer the 
spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov 
Earl Brown, and the Duchess, AVidder Betsy Stevens. "Walls 
ov primitifl* rock, laid in Boman cement, bound the estate, 
while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the 
magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young 
morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the 
ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden 
tiptoes on the green. (X. B. This angel goes with the 
place.) 

ADYICE TEW LECTUB KOMMITTYS 

IDOX'T hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind 
• how moral he iz) unless yn kan make munny on him. 
2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking mem 
bers tew meet the lekturer at the depot. 



374 



MISCELLANEOUS. 



3. Don't fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure 
way from the depot tew the hotel that y\\ hav got the smartest 
town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over Sk 
milljun. 

4. When yn reacii the hotel introduce the lekturer imme- 
jiately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew 
send out for them. 

5. When the lekturers room iz reddy go with him in 
masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu 

had over 3 thousand 
^ people in yure city 
:?c^ at the last censuss, 
and are a talking 
about having an op- 
era house. 

6. Don't leave the 
lekturer alone hi his 
room over 15 min- 
nits at once; he 
might take a drink 
out ov his flask on 
the sli if yu did. 

7. When yu m- 
trojuce the lekturer 
tew the aujienee 
don't fail tew make 
a speech ten or 
twelve feet long, oc- 
cupying a haff an 

hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov 
yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better. 

8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and 
then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don't lalf a 
good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a fall- 
ure ; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will kon- 
klude they are stool-pigeons. 

9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru brin<? 75 or 80 ov the 




ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS. 375 

ndiest ov jure populashun up onto the stage and let tliem 
squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer. 

10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a 
1 .unch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that 
vure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don't 
tliink so. 

11. If the lekturer should inquire how the eomik lektm*ers 
iiad succeeded who had preceded him, don't forget tew tell 
liim that they were all failures. This will enable him tew 
guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits 
out ov town. 

12. If the lekturer's fee should be a hundred dollars or more, 
don't hesitate tew pay him next morniug, about 5 minnits 
]>efore the train leaves, in old, lop-eared oae-dollar bills, with 
a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters. 

13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a 
lektm-er, after yu had sufiiciently informed him ov the immense 
growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated 
up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels. 

14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or twc 
selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lektm'e, at 5 
cents a kupfull. 

15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most 
Mppreshiated aujiences, and he won't fail tew tell yu (if he iz 
an honest man) that thare ain't no state in the Union that 
begins tew kompare with yures. 

16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, 
next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands 
with him with a kind ov deth grip, don't forget tew state that 
yure citty iz growing very mutch in people. 

17. If the night iz wet, and the inlami ov the house won't 
pay expenses, don't hesitate tew make it pay by taking a 
chunk out ov the lekturer's fee. The lekturers all like this, 
but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so. 

18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but 
the abuv will do tew begin with. 



376 MISCELLANEOUS. 

SUPPLEMENTARY. 

Everjboddj now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the 
world wants the most • iz men ov tallent. It don't reqmre 
enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it. 

Rmn iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or ahns-hous. 
I think i am right when i say that all things which do not 
corrupt are innosent. 

It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, 
tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are 
but pheu' who prefer their iniquity on the haif shell. 

It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest — eve]i 
a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with wlutch he 
cums out or goes into his hoel. 

I don't bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Feb* 
nary, either forced, or out ov their latitude. 

Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without i^ense, it don't 
pleaze long. 

Yu kan't find contentment laid down on the map : it iz an 
imaginary place not settled yet ; and tlioze reach it the soon- 
est who throw away their compass and go it blind. 

The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the 
one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, ''know thy- 
edfr 



LETTEE TO FAE:\IEPwS. 



Beloved Farmers : 

Agrikultiir iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the 
step-mother ov gardin sass. 

Kize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big 
fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease 
yure boots. 

Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then 
commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs. 

Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Kemem' 



A TEMFRANSE lO^UB. 377 

ber yn kant git ritcii on a farm, unless yii rize at 2 o'clock in 
the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese. 

The happyest man in the world iz the farmer ; he rizes at 
2 o'clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, 
and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese 
and worrvs the hogs. 

What iz a lawyer ? — "What iz a merchant ? — What iza dok- 
tor? — What iz a minister? — I answer, nothing! 

A farmer iz the nobless work ov God ; he rizes at 2 o'clock 
in the morning, and burns out a haiF a pound ov wood and 
two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese 
and stir up the hogs. 

Beloved farmers, adew. 



A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 



FEELIKG the grate need miself , ov a klub ov sum kind, i 
hav organized a Umpranse klub, and am anxious tew 
rake into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair 
moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in 
hite. 

Sura few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub 
iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az 
follows : 

Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns 
for one dollar. 

Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our 
regular rates. 

The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with 
a pickle in it. 

The password iz---a sweet Ireath. 

The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sen- 
timents without the aid ov whisky. 

We soliumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the in- 
juna. 



378 



miscella>:kous. 



Thoze ^vho are in the liabit ov paying a dollai for a cIrinl^ 
not admitted, such folks are too respektabel. 

;N"o female admitted unless she wants to git lier husband to 
change a bill, and see what iz going on. 

We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for boss 
stealing, and the like. 

We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussid- 
ness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon 

whisky, we hold 



that he probnl'ly 
will. 

One ov the prin- 
sipal objekts o\' 
this klub iz tew 
find out which haz 
got tlie most spirit 
in it, a man, or a 
quart ov whisky. 

K a man kant 
keep from gitting 
dry without being 
put under bonds, 
he must jine sum 
o trli e r tempranse 
klub. 

This klub haz no 

pollytiks, nor no 

religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even 

the dimokratik tiket, ajid tend the presbeterian, or hard shell 

babtisst meetins: house. 

No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a mod- 
erate horn ov lickquor ; (if he aktually needs it) without the 
aid ov a doktors preskripshun. 

Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, 
are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how. 

Ko one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pountJ 
ov salt codfish and not feel dry. 




A TEMPRANSE KLUB. 6i'9 

Old bummers wlio visit us, will not be admitted, unless 
they giv the pass word, (the pass word iz named above.) 

All persons making aplikashun for admishun mrist at least 
be sober enufi' t€w be ashamed ov themselfs. 

We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but 
we do beleave that entreaty and example haz. 

This iz not a total abstinence klub. 

We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how. 

If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him 
in again az soon a.s he gits sober. 

Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting 
sober. 

Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkourage^ 
nient, free. 

Klub-room open nite and day. 

A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing 
up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots. 

Man iz our brother, and we haven't learnt yet that rum haz 
destroyed the relashunship. 

The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov 
detent amuzeraents. 

Eygty member or applikant owning a good dogg, are in- 
vited tew bring the dogg. 

No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club. 

Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and 
hear us talk hos^s, and see us drink root beer. 

We had rather undertake tew make ten men tempei-ate 
than one total abstinent. 

This klub never gives a man up mitill he kant tell the truth 
witliout lieing. 

A ternperaU liar is the very wust kind. 

Total abstinence iz the only knre for lieing. 

The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and con- 
stitushun, and see if we liv up tew them. 

Wanted, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted 
fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that 
thare aint no phnTi in this world only in a giu cocktail. 

No phools nor hifrots solicited. 



380 MISSELLANEOUS. 

PKOYEEBIAL PIG. 

AZ the white rose wakens intu butv, so dus the white Pig 
cum tu gladden ns. 

Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon hi the vonng 
zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ovbuty, and liis 
fieg:er is the outline ov lovlaness. 

His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov 
affecshun. 

He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from 
the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. 

He lafFeth at forms, and cnrleth his tale still clusser. as his 
feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth 
with his kindred, beside tlie still waters. 

His brothers and sisters are az like him a? flakes ov snow, 
and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the 
white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. 

His woixls are low musik, and his language the untutored 
freshness ov natur. 

His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is 
elaganse. 

He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the 
dallianse ov dewy fragranse. 

He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteueth awa on 
errants ov gladness. 

He listeneth tu the the reproof of hiz parent ;his ackshuns 
are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov 
instinkt 

His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfull- 
ness. 

As he takath on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth 
in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth 
hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments 
ov life. 

He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, 
and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely. 

Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu hi pounds^ 



JUSH iilLLLNGS' ADDRESS. 381 

and la lu wate for him, and saerifise bim, and give his flesh 
salt for its safety. 
This is Pig life. 



JOSH EILLIXGS ADDRESSES THE "FE:?1AIL 
PORDU]S^K SOYfi:S^G SOSIETY/' 

riELLER SISTERS :— When I caste mi eye on a sirkle oi 
-iJ luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems 
tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for 
a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find them- 
selfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping aronnd the 
corner, for the very shirt tha are wnrking on, it dnz seem tu 
me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. 

Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend ; 
he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk ; his verry 
natur looks out onto the horizen ov^ the poor folks, jist as the 
lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. 

And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a 
krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt ; then he looks at the 
Sisters, a talking and solving, and sowing and talking, and he 
kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he 
thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the wa- 
ters, raenshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho 
he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the 
wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made 
cottin shirt bizziness. 

Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings com- 
munes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, 
and sot awa tew cool. 

Feller Sisters, don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty 
stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. 

Josh wud like no better fan than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, 
that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing so- 
siety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advan 
tage, wil git her final reward. 



382 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



Tew konklnde, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. 
Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. 

Cum together arly, and oftin, buj yure cottin by tlio ]>eage; 




JOSH ADDRESSES THE FEMAIL " PORDCXK SOWING SOSIETY." 

be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry no\f 
and then, a bogus heathin. 

Stan bi pire konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and 
the " Femail Pordunk Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futef 
prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession. 

I bid yu tenderla aiew. 



THE FUST BABY. 383 

THE FUST BABY. 

THE fust baby has beknm one ov the fixed stars or life ; 
and ever since the fust one was bom, on the rong side of 
the gai-din ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, 
they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy — an 
event ov mutch gladness. 

Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov 
Boft eyes looking into yours — to wonder how so mutch buty 
could have been entrusted to you — to sarch out the father, or 
the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, 
in an instant of bnty, as a lafiing Angel lays before you — tew 
pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little 
bird in yure nest — tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy 
ov awl joys — a feast ov the harte. 

Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly 
tlian when she was wooed — tew see a new tenderness in her 
eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she 
tells something new about ''Willie '' — tew luv her far more 
than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips — tiz 
this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plez- 
zme. 

Tew watch liie bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust 
not^s ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind 
frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure — tiz this 
that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu. 

Tevr look upon the trak that life takes — tew see the sun- 
shine and shower — tew plead for the best, and shrink from 
the wust — tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be 
chastened when death comes — tiz this — oh I tiz this that 
makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in 
heaven. 



JOSH BILLIXGS UNDER OATH. 

JOSH BILLIXGS being duly sworn, testifys az f oilers: 
Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left 
over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in aritL 



384 



MISSELLANEOUS. 






meticks bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a number 6 
boot. 

Yii-teu, in one respekt, iz like munnj. That which we hav 
^ew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best. 

Men ov phe^v but aktive branes hav the best exekutive 
abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit — compakt, and go 
Btrate for the bull's eye. 

Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better 
tew be a devil than a h^-pokvitt. 

I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they 
could tell, but i never met one.' i hav often met thoze who 

could tell a grate deal 
more than they did 
kno, and waz willing 



tew^ sware to it be- 
sides. 

To be proof agin 
flattery, a man must 
hav no vanity, and 
such a man never ex- 
isted ; if he did, he 
iz now one ov the 
lost arts. 

Hope haz made a 
grate nienny blun- 
ders, but thare h one 
thing about her that 
i alwus did like — she 
means well. 

Sum people are 
good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and 
others, bekauze they hant got a good chance. 

Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud 
Dv — thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from 
bad to good, than from good to bad. 

In munny, interest phollows the principal ; in morals, prin- 
ciple often phollows the interest. 




JOSH BILLINGS UN'DER OATH. o»a 

Yu will notis one thing — the devil seldum offers tew go intc 
partnership with a bizzj man, but yu will often see him offei 
tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital. 

Curiosity had twins — one waz Invenshuii and the other 
waz Stich Yure Noze Into Things. 

Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan 
think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan 
be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew try pure 
love for a crime, what court would yu take her before ? 

I look upon the iS^orth Pole az one ov them spots, if tainfc 
never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz 
found, we shant be none ov the better off. 

I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az vrell tew git abuv 
yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu. 

" In time ov peace prepare for war." This iz the way sum 
family s liv all the time. 

Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew ^' bet hiz 
bottom dollar," yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the 
size ov hiz pile. 

The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not 
tew possess a single virtew. 

Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch 
moUassis. 

The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however 
mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru 
life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance. 

Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho 
it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit 
drop out. 

Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference — 
in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch 
man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys. 

Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatisra. 

I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz 
boi-n so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they 
biiould looze it, they w^ouldn't kno it. 

We never outgro our phollvs — we only alter them. 
25+ 



886 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Thare iz tins difference between charity and a gift--cliarit;y 
cnms from the heart ; a gift, from the pocket. 

Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked. 

Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin 
ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty. 

When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that 
she iz in tune. 

I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy 
than principle. 

Thare iz only one kind ov folks w^ho kan keep a sekret 
good, and they never take enny tew keep. 

The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer 
man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enu^ 
not to be suspekted. 

Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing. 

Hypockrasy iz alwus humble. 

Gravity don't prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, 
he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn't hav it. 

It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born 
naked, and it iz no more disgrace. 

Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth ; 
thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty. 

Dont forget one thing, mi boy — that when five men kail 
yu a suckcess, and one man kails ya a failure, that the one 
man's testimony iz what fetches the jury. 

Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur ; self-prezervashun iz the 
seckond. 

Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them 
at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git biz reli 
gion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle. 



JOSn AT NIAGARA FALLS. 

AFTEH a series ov unsuckcessfnll wanderings thru life, i 
find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on 
the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondi'ous 



JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. S8T 

jugular vein, which poui*s the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie 
into the vitals ov Lake Ontario. 

I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far 
West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the 
center ov winter, and a cold time for money. 

For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife's arm az still 
az tho I had growed thare, and couldn't see ennythingon 
account ov the clamor the water made ; but gradually i begin 
tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov 
thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, 
and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. 
My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for 
her kamphor. 

The grandnr, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has 
been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous 
visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it 
would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it ; but 
i will say, az the mad licpior impetuous tumbles hed fust into 
the boiling kcddron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends 
amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how 
lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the 
Almighty. 

The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, 
which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the wat-er fell, 
the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it mada 

I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must 
have been at least three thousand square feet. 

I should thhik that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry 
to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn't hav 
time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktnally so. 

I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States 
and Great Brittain, about half-and-half ; but i shouldn't won 
der if, sum time, the United States would own the whole 
ov it. 

Natur haz done tlie fair thing for Niagara, and man haa 
not been lazy. 

Thare waz one ':hing that happened tew me, while here. 



388 MISSELLANEOUS. 

that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git througli witli 
it will do to hand down tew mi posterity s without the danger 
ov spiling. 

The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, 
and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls. 

This brido^e iz thirteen hundred feet in leno^th, only twelve 
feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the 
water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road 
bridge, three miles below. 

Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it 
being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, 
every boddy waz anxious that I should go over. 

I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, 
my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted 
whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly 
over. 

We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken tlie 
dizzy ride. 

My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az 
we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we 
were fairly one flesh. 

When we had seen her magi sty's soil, and safely recrost 
the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had sufl'ered all 
the suspension bridge glory that i wanted. 

"We WGTG welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open 
arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in 
one ov them. 

I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my 
soul, as the last swallow Ment reluctently down end v/ays, 
" suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot 
lemonade wdiiskee iz better." 

Thare iz one thing that Niagara don't lack, whatever may 
be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz profes 
§ional guides. 

Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide ma 
tew the strong points ov the place. 

One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with 



JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS. 389 

pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of 
the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked 
and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew 
guide me eo mutch that i finally told him he might guide me 
sum if he would be heerful. 

During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company 
he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting 
lies. 

He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun 
warrier. Tecum ser, in a hand to-hand scuffle^ whicli lasted 
three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own 
grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that 
Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical 
house in the distance whare Eobert Burnes wrote the immor-. 
tal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, 
(and banking house) ov the Hon. John ]\Iorrisey, and probably 
would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore- 
fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it. 

But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead 
more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan't so green. 

He also ottered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, 
a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady's head wlio past, 
last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the 
round side ov a hemlock slab, playing " A li.e on the ocean 
wave " on a base vial. 

After the young man had guided me for one hour and a 
quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him. 

He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az 
tho he thought we possibly might be twins. 

I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family 
waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the 
right change to a ded beat. 

Xiagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys 
thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got 
some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents. 

Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock 
that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on 



390 MISSELLANEOUS. 

the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked 
np by a little boy at the water's edge, who waz fishing for 
pickled crabs. 

It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew 
the ndikiius, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are famil- 
iar with the step. 

I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque 
than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most 
imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while 
rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the 
God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacri- 
legisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a pal- 
try piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence 
and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dol- 
lars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than ofikl. 

In olden times tlie brokers and dove pedlars were hustled 
out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me 
to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the 
two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it. 



SUM VERY BLANK VER5E— THE XEGRO AXD THE TROUT 

Beneath the shelvy bank ov meddo brook, 

Expektant lays the spekeld trout. 

April showers, with blood from 

Genial skize, hav warmed the streamlet's 

Teins, and dancing on its buzzum 

Gums sunlite and shaddo 

Hand in hand. 

Just here the verdant willow bends, 

To lave its tapring fingers 

In the kristal flood, 

And fragrant spearmint scents the 

Creeping wind. 

Close by, upon the alders highest limb 

Swaying, the blackbird sits. 

With mello thrut full ov April songs, 

Responsiv tew the sadder notes 



THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT. 3i^^ 

Of Robin red breast from yonder maple, 

While solium az phuneral cortege 

The dusky crow beats his wing 

Against the swimming ski. 

'Tis Spring ! or from the brooklet's 

Grassy bank the violets would not 

Be stareing with their eyes or 

Gentle blue, nor in the smoky air 

"Would indistinkt be heard 

The thousand echo's wakin^;, 

Haff dreaming, from their frozen sleep. 

Sweet time ! the yung year innocent. 

Gentle Spring ! in undress, 

Unconscious ov her buty, spreds 

Her golden tresses to the wanton wind, 

While buds and blossoms early 

Welkum the lovely goddess to 

This throne of hers, 

And reddy stand, with harps soft strung 

With dreamy musik, 

Sweet time ! ov all the varied year, 

Most charming and oftnest sung. 

* » » « Si 

Akross the meddo, 

Whissling a lively catch, 

Just az the morning sun 

Looks o'er the nabring hill, 

Cums Afriks old and well-tanned son. 

Old time haz bilt upon this darkey's 

Hed a nest ov grizzly hair hard-twist«l, 

And shrunk hiz parchment skin 

Cluss fitting tew hiz bones. 

A fox skin cap, innocent ov fur, 

Hiz hed engulphs, 

And well filled with holes, 

To let the water out that enters in ; 

One boot he wears, oddly mate<i 

With a shoe ov anshunt daze. 

From thrut to waist wide yawns 

Hiz coarse and starchless shirt. 

And over all, loose and ragged 

Whips the wind, what once waa 

Master's Sunday koat. 

Nearer az he cums, and ketches 

With his well sped ear the 

Streamlet's morning son, hia 



3^ 



MISSELLANE0U8. 



Whissell stops, and creeps this 
Olden darkey, with rauffled tread, 
Still nearer, where swiftly runs 
The pearly waters, to hide 
Beneath the shelvy bank. 
The friendly willo, tho yung with leiiT«, 
Between the early sun and dansing 
Waters, spreads a quivring shade, 
Cluss thare old Ishmahel stands. 
Soon to hiz pole ov al^er wood, 
(Almost the pole az old az Ishmels self,) 
He ties the horse hair line, 
(Himself did weave), and feeling 
With hiz old fingers crisp the 
Barbed hooks point, sure to be 
That dullness waz not sleeping thare. 
He takes (oh ! nauty Ishmel !) 
From out a quaint old bottle. 
That hold perhaps a pint, 




He takes — a drink, 

Rmaekin his lips, and " b7'esst7\ff (k>d^ 

Iq menuy a looped and squirming 



THE DANDY A.NU THE THIMBLE-RIGGER, 

Knott he hangs the hook about, 

With fresh and tempting worms. 

One step nearer — still one more — 

Then waving in the air aloft 

The flexile line, and light, 

With hand unerring, the pole 

Obedient drops the struggling 

Worm just in the current's mouth, 

Whare the water tu=t begins Its race 

Oh ! art exquisitt ! Oh ! bliss extatic !— 

(None but the Ishmahels hav lenit 

This art, or this bliss felt.) 

Down the brook's swift thrut swims 

The giddy worm, a fatal journey, 

For darting, az a streak ov silvry light 

From sentinal place, the 

Spekled gourmand burys in hiz maw 

The barbed deceit. 

Now who kan tell, with words enuff, 

The thrill that follows ? 

Ikant! 

But stranger look ! upon the grassy 

Bank, dancing in deth, and see a 

Two pound trout, game and butiful 

To the last. 

All day, shaddo like. Old I:^hraahel 

Steals up and down the stream, 

And when the sun hiz daily rase 

Haz well ni run. 

With basket full, and bottle empty, 

Dark Old Ishmahel, prowder 

Than a king goes whisshng back 

The wav he cum. 



Vdi 



THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-PJGGEE. 

AFTER natur had finished the fust man and the fust wouian, 
she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, 
and not willing tew waste ennvthing, she mixt the two rem- 
naats together, more for a frolick than ennvthing else, just 
to see what the compound would produce. 



S94 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Throwing the mixture onto the dicing coals, in a few min^ 
nitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, 
before her. 

This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a 
boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame 
Nature turned him loose into the world, to root. 

The construckshun ov this greature of remnants iz peculiar. 

A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed 
the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no 
cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and saw- 
dust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead 
butterflys, with pins through them. 

Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little st?lls, in each 
ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov 
bmins, which ackted independent ov each other. 

One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to 
tight boots, and a third to colone water. 

All hiz thoughts and afi*eckshuns are divided between the 
fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them. 

Hiz ideas never gra^p en ny thing stronger than Phalon's 
last sensashun in perfumery ; his whole emotional natur finds 
its nourisliment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris 
fashions, hung up in a taylor's window. 

The genuine dandy — one who knows hiz bizzness — never 
falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass ; hiz strong- 
est pashun iz fldmirashun ; he kant reach the dignity ov love. 

To love, requires both brains and a soul ; and a dandy in 
love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at 
the feet ov a tulip. 

Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird ; hiz pashions are 
weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case 
wear out together. 

He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to 
the last. 

Dandys hav no courage ; their pashuns are a mixtur ov 
weak and delikate things ; they kant insult, nor be insulted ; 
they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold 
enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuflT to be dispized. 



TIIE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER. -395 

Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that 1 kau 
think ov now, highly commendible ; they are selfish (and have 
a right to be), bekauze they haint got enny thing to spare; 
their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag. 

Eeverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in 
the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor ; meekness implys hope, 
but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence. 

But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, 
they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they 
go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very 
bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little impor- 
tance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a 
clever twist in a yeller neck-tie. 

Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the hum- 
ming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and 
thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible wo- 
man would marry him, enny quicker, than she would know- 
ingly take connterfit money in change. 

This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many 
pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so 
much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog's head on a 
bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, 
thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare 
iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, 
among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being bom, 
and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys 
philosophy. 

Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah. 

It is plaved on the knees ov a vouno^, and hawk-eved, and 
ver)' polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, 
encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz 
late lamented father — or, '•'enny otlier raanP 

The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped 
with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a califomy cluster 
on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz 
conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az 
big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thim- 



396 MISSELLANEOUS. 

bles, but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seeiii 
to be invariably thar. 

This pellet iz humorsly called the "little joher," and iz 
carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov 
one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated 
fioger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger. 

This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but 
probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them. 

If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, 
and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game 
enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with 
lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards. 

Gambling iz a vice, az natural to m.an, az the love ov gain, 
it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, 
and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman. 

It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profli 
gasy, that haz yet bin invented. 

Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the 
judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the 
roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy. 

They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent 
ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the ten- 
derest pashions. 

All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its 
degradashun, but they are on the right road. 

Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives 
wont answer. 

One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it izlike the 
small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never 
git rid ov the skars ; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but 
once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like 
a ghost around the buried. 



LOXG BEAKCH IK SLICES. 

LOI^G Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate 
on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshuu, and iz lokateO 
cluss down to the edije ov the water. 



LONG BRANCH IN SLICES. 



391 



The populaslinn iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and hoy 
g-enus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus. 

The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlan- 
tik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, 
stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum 
out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit. 

The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and 
proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders. 

Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long BranclL 




JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH. 

Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprink- 
ling of innocent deviltiy. 

1 am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fast 
hands, and finds but few takers. 

The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for 
more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state 
this as a stubborn fakt, and tlie " oldest inhabitant' may help 
himself if he can. 

The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy f(H 



MISSELLAXEOUS, 

years. Sum ov them say tliat large lumps ov psalt waz de^ 
posited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe 
keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and 
number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the 
oshun. 

I endorse the kodfish and makrel job. not bekauze i think 
it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav 
slwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and op 
pressed. 

Flirtashnns are thick here, but principally occur amung 
thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke imtil their necks hav 
begun to git galled. 

Theze fiirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and 
are called '* recruiting.^^ 

They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good 
judges) more Iraceing than the sea-airing. 

Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a 
millyun ov airs more or less. 

Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the 
other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-col- 
lars, turned down, and short nozes tnrned up. 

The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thns far, 
and lie sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew 
sleep, iz tew pray — they will kontinue on to do so. 

The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew 1:^ heavy, and 
weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov 
mind, i think he will win. 

The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz in- 
fested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent crea- 
^nres, who eat 3 meals per day. 

The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up 
their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their 
trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, thafc 
would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn't post- 
poned living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that 
she could hav got the style. 

I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotelj 
and bring their best clothes with ihem 



LONG BKANCII IN SLICES. 399 

Long Branch Laz menny things to interest the schollar, and 
the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, lust bilt 

I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good 
rotars^ movements on it. 

I didn't bet, bekaze i hav ahvus been principled aginst lose- 
ing enny money. 

I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile 
mi morality, but the loss ov a f u dollars, would git mi virtew 
out oy repair for ages. 

Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, 
and the world-renowned musketo. 

The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezziire Bay^ 
cluss bi Long Branch. 

He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end oy a 
string, and then dropping the stnng down in the water, and 
ticklinsr the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, 
sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot. 

The musketo iz az natral to Xu Jerseeaz Jerseeliteningiz. 

The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he e^'er waz 
allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to 
me, or enny ov mi near relashuns. 

If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, 
for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimb- 
let, i hay ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philoso- 
pher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if 
enny boddy ever hears me swear (out lou J) he may know tharo 
haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises. 

I cum \.Q,v^ Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the 
opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, 
and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house 
shuts up, if i hay tew klimb the flag-staff to do it. 

Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put 
up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things, 

Thare iz a blessed privilege, v'hich sum folks kart never 
enjoy, untill they are deprived ov It. 

It will then be forever too late. 

I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, wlien they find 



400 MlSSELLANEOrS. 

a ifood hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell 
with them heavily. 

I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny 
boddv thinks they know how tew keep a hotel {and they do 
hioto how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid 
poor hotels, all over the country. 



BILLIAEDS. 

EYEEYBODD Y seems tew be gitting crazy over a new 
game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards. 

It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer 
than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing 
sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they 
drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the 
outside ov the tabel. 

It takes 2 men tew play the game, but tt or 5 can look on. 

They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, 
with a short piece ov a Ushpole in their hands, which has a 
chalk mark onto the end ov it. 

Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in 
the bellv, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, 
till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on. 

But vu ought tew see the game : it kant be delineated bi 
words. 

One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he 
pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov 
gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul 
hands drink. 

Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch 
fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning ; 
then each goes hum, ha\^ng enjoyed fine exercise, a little 
dnmk perhaps ; but the muscles in theirbreastare so expanded 
that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pos. 

TJiis iz hillijards. 



HABITS OF GKATE MEN. 

HABITS OF GEATE MEX. 



401 



HABITS are like koriis on tlie little toze, the result ov tite 
boots. 
Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary doro-'s tale 
natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental. 

George ^asliington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astroraenor 
ov the -ith century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns 
perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried 
to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, 
with a solution ov sheet iron. 

In this way he discovered can-sir, one ov the si^ns of the 
zodiac, and it haz ever 
since bore his name 
in English. ^ 

George also wore 
an uprite collar, about 
one foot in upriteness 
and alwus used kats 
intestines, for shew 
strings. 

He waz a grate 
man, and had sum 
habits. 

He died in due 
time. 

And haint bin seen 
since. 

His widdow waz 
inconsolable for a 
large amount, 
widdow iz also 




HABITS OP GRATE MEN, 



Hiz 

no more novr, she coiled oph this mortal 
shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of ^^, 

If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, ''peace tew 
her ashes." 

If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ot 
ten to make enny other arrangements that will p&y. 
26i ^ 



402 MiSSELLAlS'EOUS. 

E-ev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz» 
tliiit shook the moral fiiTiiament from dan to bersbeebe, upon 
the head ov^ a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the 
dorsal feather flnis ov an untamed osstrich. 

He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined 
with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian. 

He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little linger nail 
which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity. 

He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preach- 
ed, which history sez was cussid good. 

Bickerstaffhaz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like 
the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all. 

Bickerstafl" wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny 
crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze 
who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz 
way ov doing things (on the hed ova flower barrell), tho often 
tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet. 

Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor. 

He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a 
side-saddle. 

He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until 
he waz plumb ded. 

His exsentricitys waz theze. 

He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood. 

When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov 
hiz el bo. 

He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life. 

He made all ov hiz pills down cellar. 

He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents 
ov medisin, but history sez, they didn't enny ov them equal 
Magnum, only in hiz oddity s. 

Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 4(3 years after 
the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, audi presume 
iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work. 

He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a 
standard work for menny generashun ov rats. 

This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, 
by being burnt with a v/irlrler. in a pb.nnerai scrape. 



JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. 403 

Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallentod 
excentricks that ever smiled. 

He waz a landlord on the Hiuamelay mountains, and waz 
the author ov Gin. 

Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, 
and all lost. 

The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov allhiz pe- 
culiarness waz hiz way ov smiling. 

He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at oust, and the 
same time. 

This natrality ov hiz haz bin immltated so mutch since, 
that the original idee iz all wore out. 

He haz had several immitators whe hav outsm?Jed their 
daddy. 

History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without 
enny water in it. 

But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov 
contempt. 

Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father 
waz also one before him. 

This oddness haz also its immitators. 

Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after 
one. 



I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grat** 
men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the ovrners ov i"- 
for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav \m 
mitated them,) than the Lord ever haz. 

Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how. 

Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile )^ 
hind him. 

Oh ! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale. 



JOSH BILLIXGS IXSUEES HIS LIFE. 

IKUM to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, 
that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other 
folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent 



404 MISSELLANEOUS. 

of the " Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the 
following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a 
pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little 
ronnd gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned : — 

QUESTIONS. 

1st — Are yu mail or femail ? if so, Pleze state how long you 
have been so. 

2d — Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than 
one at a time ? 

3d — What is yure precise fiteing weight ? 

4th — Did yu ever have ennj^ ancestors, and if so, how 
much ? 

5t-]2 — ^What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov 
the 10 commandments. 

^th — Du yu ever hav enny nite mares? 

7th — Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor ? 

Sth — Do ya beleave in a futer state? ifyu du, state it. 

9th — What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov 
rats tu the head ; can it be did successfully ? 

10th — Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did 
'it seera to aSect yu ? 

After answering the above questions, like a man in the con- 
firmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, 
ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for 
a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most 
pensive smiles. 



HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. 

First. — Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a 
white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, 
a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color. 

SecJcond.—Exam'm hiz ears ; see that he haz got tew ears, 
and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz 
hearing iz good. All bosses are duia. but a deff and dum 
boss, are not desirable. 



HOW TEW TICK OUT A GOOD HOSS. 



405 



Third. — Look well to hiz eyes ; see tliat he haz got a pupil 
in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too 
large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kaut see oats, 
and liav tew wear gi'een gogles, and green gogles make a hoss 
look tu mutch like 
a trakt pedlar. 

Fourth.— Y e e 1 
ov his neck with 
the inside ov yure 
right hand, see 
that the spinal col- 
inm iz well fatted, 
and runs the 
whole length ov 
him from fore to 
aft, a hoss without 
a good phatt spi- 
nal collum from 
fore to aft aiut 
w or th, (speaking 
sudden) aint worth 
a well defined cuss. 

Five. — Put yure the hoss. 

hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the ease ov a 
quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs 
to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see 
if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet 
cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water. 

Six. — Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, 
number 8 iz about right. 

Seven. — Hun yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz 
boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov 
his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along te 
see if he knows how tew kick. 

Eight. — Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, wind- 
galls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, 
thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks ; see if he haz got a 




406 MISSELLANEOUS. 

whirl-bone ; look for sum pin-hips ; hunt for strains in the 
back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks. 

Nine. — investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last 
May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark 
burnt into the top ov them, w4th a hot iron. 

Ten. — Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glan- 
ders; look just back or hiz ears forsighnsof pole evil, pinch 
him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at 
both shoulders for a sweeny. 

F2even. — Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him 
up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant 
with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express 
train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty 
leave a buifalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him 
with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun o v these things. 

Twelve. — Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, 
ask if he iz a roarer, and don't be afraid tew find out if he iz 
a whistler. 

Thirteen. — Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, 
aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter. 



Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a 
good family hoss^ there iz a grate menny other things tew be 
looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him. 

Good bosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny 
kind ov bosses, are skarser. 

Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine 
him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the 
square, send him tew the j^ew York legislature and rejoice 
that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, 
in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with 
him with perf ekt impunity, but when yu buy a good famihj 
hoss ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and 
make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the 
Lord tew forgive him. 

" An honest man iz the noblest worh ov God^^ this famus 
saving waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late 
Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss. 



GREAT AGRIKLLTUKAL HOSS TROTT. 401 

GEE AT AGPwIKULTUEAL HOSS-TEOTT. 

AT PORDUNK. 

Oct. 10, 11, 1-, 1-^, U, lo, 16, 17, IS, 19, db 20th, 



JOSn BILLIXGS, REPORTER. 



A GEIKULTUE iz the mother ov provisions ; she iz also 
X-L the grandmother. 

If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and 
if it want for ennv beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash. 

Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been dis- 
kovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living. 

Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz let- 
tis, and bukwheat. 

The Billlngsville agrikultnral society opened Oct. ten, and 
waz a powerful success. 

The reciepts ov the Agrikultnral Fair waz upwards ov $30, 
000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) 

The Hon.Yirgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultnral member 
OT Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools. 

FUST DAY. 

A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that 
had never trotted before for munny. 

Thare waz thirteen entries. 

Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, 
(if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.) 

The pnss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red 
colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, 
and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white 
foot behind. 

SEKOXD DAY. 

It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could 
be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring. 
and ofierino: tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt. 



4:08 MISSELLAXEOUS. 

THIRD DAY. 

The sun liighsted up in the east more butjfuller than i 
ever saw her before, (if mi memrj serves me rite, and i thint 
she does.) 

It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man. 

A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year olci 
colts. 

This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the 
time being so slow. 

Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds. 

FOUKTH DAY. 

This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25. 

Thare waz 26 entrys ; they couldn't aul trot tew unce, so 
they took turns. 

This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker*.- 
colt. 

He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fu^t- 
rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agri- 
kultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, 
lie skorned to stoop so low. 

Pete Tucker, and his wliole family, are aul boss. 

FIFTH DAY. 

It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz 
spent in betting on the weight ov bosses. 

Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did. 

One man swopped two bosses fur one ; this struck me as a 
devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft. 

At the end ov the fifth day i cum away. 

I got so full ov boss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep 
from whinnerincr. 

The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time 
waz made. 

I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memrv 
serves me rite, and i think she duz.) 

I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on tlie 



OATS. 



4:09 



ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov cari'ots, 
and some worsted work, but tliey didn't seem to attrakt enny 
sinipathy. 

The people hanker fur pure agrikultural boss-trots. 



OATS. 

OATS are a singular grain, perhajjs I should say plural, 
bekauze thare iz more than one ov them. 
They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one 
quarter inches hi, aiid the straw iz holler. 
This straw iz interesting for its sukshun. 
Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the 
buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler 
in 4 minnitts, bi the watch. 

I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and 
rehable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum 
boddy will fetch on the cobbler. 

This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing. 
I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that 
in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the " sj)lit5 " that win. 

If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought 
that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler 
and agin the suckshun. 

But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in 
most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully 
dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain 
ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, 
but waz full sister to filtered rane water. 

If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, 
but i must git back onto oats agin. 

I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to 
bite into it to do it. 

I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying 
with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, 



410 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



yu kant work what's left ov it into ennytliing else, not even 
a rag karpet. 

Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew ni? 
mind. 

Mi wife liaz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever or 
sum kind, for rag kai-pets in the rag, and i don't have but 
one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze 
i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew 
bed. 

She watches mi clothes just az clussaz amule duz abistander, 
and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and 
kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last 
roll of rag karpet. 

But for all this, i love mi wife with the aifeckshun ov a 
parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had 
rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with 
warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back 

onto oats agin. Oats 
gro on the summit ov 



^^"^wlN^^^^^^ 




sum straw, and are 
sharp at both ends. 

The}^ resemble shu 
pegs in looks, and 
build, and it iz sed, 
are often mistaken for 
them by near-sighted 
bosses and shumakers. 
I dont intend this 
remark az enny dero- 
gativeness to shumak- 
ers in the lump, for i 
hav often sed, in mi 
inspired moments, if 
i couldn't be a shu- 
maker, i would like to 
be a good lawyer. 
Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make (?ven a 



' OATS. 411 

stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he 
is tickled somewhare. 

This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the 
stuMimnck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the 
hoss hiffs. 

I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could 
be did. 

Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral kanikter, who 
wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind 
of folk are always the eazyest to cheat. 

They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill thev 
tri it, this kind of informashun alwus hosts more than it iz 
aktually worth. 

It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experi- 
ence, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-suaik 
bight the other phellow. 

The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and 
rjarley, and bukwheat. 

Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like 
menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate. 

Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in 
poetrv', whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but 
when you cum right down to kom in the ear, or oats in the 
bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warren t 
a good crop. 

It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov 
all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam 
waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy 
to swet. 

Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz 
worth. 

1 would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and 
goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month 
of August, they couldn't earn their pepper-sass. 

Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or 
perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count. 
Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats rever. 



412 MISSELLANEOUS. 

It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it 
would save them a good deal of time on every hundred 
bushels ov oats. 

Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively 
so, Methuseler died ritch. 

Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now 
inultipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a 
dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz 
worth. 

Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording 
tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a 
lioss. 

They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper ol 
pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean 
on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, 
very skarse. 

Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes 
them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold. 

I found this out all alone by miself. 

Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize. 

All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the 
ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all 
over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with 
a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and 
woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle 
them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a 
rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in 
H stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them 
up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, 
then stow them away in a granery, then spend wet days, and 
Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice. 

It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats — tiy it. 

One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and 
tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov 
them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster sud 
denly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and alL 



A LAFF.— PASHl-^NXE OV JOB. 413 

A LAFF. 

Men who never lafF, may have good hearts, but they are 
deep seated, — like sum springs, they hav their inlet and 
outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the 
brim. 

I don't like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandy- 
lion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it. 

It iz true that enny kind of a laft' iz better than none, — • 
but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man's eyes fust, to see 
if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his 
cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, 
at the korners ov his month, like a thing ov life, then busts 
its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a 
shower ov silvery tongued sparks, — tlien steals bak, with a 
smile, to its liar, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey, — • 
this is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint airadc ov. 



PASHU]S^CE OY JOB. 



EYRYBODDY iz in the liabit ov bragging on Job, and 
Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but 
did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and 
borde 'round ?. 

Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill :n a hot da, and 
hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once i 

Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be m.ade tu tend 
baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall ? 

Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 
miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep 
a tempranse hous? 

Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy 
tail, in fii time, out in a lot ? 

Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old 



414 MISSELLANEOUS. 

rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantvloons m without saing 
*' damnashun ! " 

If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the 
same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job ! 



Feidat. — Yisited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, 




for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. 
She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mysterj 



THE GAME OF YEWKER. 415 

by saying, " she had sent nie a pair, by mistake, tliat belonged 
tQ * ^ ^ ':j ." I l^lushed like a biled lobster, and told 
her she couldn't be too keerf ul about such things ; i might 
hav bin ruined for life. 



THE GAME OF YEWKEPw. 

THIS ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 3^ears old. 
It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie 
steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl 
its juvenile beauty. 

It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its 
absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and 
?haw, and cheat while the game is advancing. 

I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the 
smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare 
else. 

If yu play tliare, yu will often hold a hand that will aston- 
ish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which w^ill inflame 
you to bate T or S dollars that it is a good hand tew play po- 
ker with ; but you will be more astonished when you see the 
other fellers hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and 
a one spot. 

Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old 
sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to 
a scj^uare church raffle. 

I never play yewker. 

I never would learn how, out ov principle. 

I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in 
Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was 
bom, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity. 

I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness. 

But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter. 
whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won't count 
game. 

I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ovrespekt to old 
Connekticut, mi natiff place. 



416 MISSELLA^EOUS. 

BEEK 

I HAY finally cnm tew the konclusion, that lager heer ii 
not intoxikatin. 

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it 
aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged 
tew go liome entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen thia 
same man drink sixteen glasses, and ii he was drunk, he was 
drunk in german, and noboddy cuuid understand it. It iz 
proper enulf tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, 
and could have no object in stating vv'liat want strictly thus. 

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never 
drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made 
my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on tlie end ov a string, 
but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov 
place, and I guess that it was so, for J never biled over wuss 
than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i 
was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for 
it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was 
cnmiiig tevv^ the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife 
hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have 
cnm thnndering up too. 

Ob, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it 
now. 

I never had so much experience, in so short a time. 

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxika- 
ting, i should beleave him ; but if he should tell me that i 
want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov 
order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just 
how a man felt and akted when he was well set up. 

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural 
simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober. 

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank 
the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, 
and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, 
and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the 
bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the 



BEEK. 



417 



room trv'in tew git roiuid onto the uack side ov me, and in 
setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long ennft' for it 
tew git exactly nnder me, wlien it was going round, and i sett 
down a little too soon, and missed the chair hj about 13 




inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the next 
one when it cum, and that ain't aul ; mi wife sed i waz az 
drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up 



things freely, 
b 



t 



418 MISSELLANEOUS. 

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it usefi me almiglity 
mean, that i kno. 

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav heen 
told BO, and i am probably the only man living, who ever 
drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb. 

T don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tem- 
pranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with 
mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open. 

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remembei 
right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one 
side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew 
soak in. 



LAUGHING. 

IT never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreatioii 
hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none 
hav succeded ;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power 
appears t^w be entirely within the province ov humans. 

It iz the language ov infancy — the eloquense ov childhood, 
■ — and the power tew laff is the power to be happy. 

It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions ; and (with the 
veiy few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff 
iz always agreeable and in order. 

It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words. 
— Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny 
diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense. — It 
makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weari- 
ness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper. — It 
never iz covetous. — It ackompanys charity, and iz the hand- 
maid ov honesty. — It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and 
iz the talisman ov kontentment. — Sum have kalled it a weak- 
ness—a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, 
and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language 
ease, and expreshun elegance.---It holds the mirror up teW 



THE ADVENT XO. 2. 419 

Oeaiity ; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenlv. 

It iz the light ov hfe ; without it we should be but anima* 
red ghosts. 

It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and car- 
ries haff ov poverty's bundles. — It costs nothing, comes at 
the call, and leaves a brite spot behind. — It iz the only index 
ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot efiase. — It 
never grows old ; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the 
grave 

Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would 
show no joy. — It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits 
the heart ; it w^as the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was 
the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with 
outside the Garden ov Paradise. 



THE AD^T:XT XO. 2. 



rpiHE seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov 
X slo gi'owth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. 
They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirtv 
years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk: 
and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they 
rub out the slate, and beo^in ao^in. 

Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they 
tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they 
say, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two 
inches, which iz mighty cluss for so big a thing. 

The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin 
an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, 
..nd az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov 
having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, 
upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the bam, 
not to be in the way. 

But az i gTQyfr older — if i didn't gro enny wizer — I had th« 



4*>>.> 



MISSELLAXEOUS. 



.^^-^ 



satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov 
advents. 

I cum tew tlie Ivonklnsion, sum time since; that Divine 
Providence treated the world, without enuy ov the succor or 
scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be 
able to destroy it in the same way. 

I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i ha^' bin 

able tew pick, that 
waz lieing around 
loose, ov man's inter- 
nal natur, thet if the 
world hadn't bin bilt, 
before man waz, he 
probably wouldn't 
hav bin satisfied if he 
couldn't hav put in 
hiz lip. 

Man iz an uneazy 
kritter, and luvs tew 
tell how things ought 
tew be bilt and haz 
got jist impudence 
enuff tew offer his 
valuable services tew 
the Lord espeshily hi 
the way ov advice. 
Now I am coofidently ov the opinynn that the world will 
Bumtime be knocked out ov time ; it hain't got the least partic- 
kle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, 
it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think euny boddy, who 
will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and 
C}^her out the earth's death to day, iz no wizer ; nor less 
imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors 
phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town. 

The bible that i was brought up on, sez : "that the son oi 
man cometh like a thief in the night," and evry boddy knov/s, 
that the fust intimashun we hav ov a thief's \'isit iz, that he 
haz been liere, and left. 




THE ADVENT XO. 2. 421 

Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the seciind advent 
dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, 
not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suita 
ble tew put enny, the f ust bizzness, ov enny consequence they 
do, iz to bci^in to wonder, and it ain't long before the phool 
nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy jobr 

Tliis iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he 
aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckula- 
.-liun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bot- 
tom ov it, for enny man wdio iz eazy to phool, loves to be 
phooled. 

The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus 
dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew 
be a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew be 
asbamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank, 
aiul run it. 

I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this 
seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a 
haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he 
waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back ruacl, az 
ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry boss doktor iz ov medicin, 

I am alwns reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily 
when he dont step on enny boddy but himself. 

Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz pliair, 
and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy them- 
solfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same j^op. 

Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an 
end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett 
ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, and be the fust ones to 
say, that the figgurcs had lied. 

I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and 
make it a pint, that thare aint aMilleritenow living, nor ever 
agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take S'7 1-2 cents in 
cliano-e for a dollar 2:rcenback, or who would <j;iv a dubble 
price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott 
for the worlds destrukshun. 

Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollai 
iz wuth the face ov it. 



422 MISSELLAKEOUS. 

Oh ! impudence, wliare iz thy sting ! Oh ! pholl v, whare h 
thy viktor}^ ! 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWEES. 

Qu. How fast will the " co7n€-ing man " probably travel ? 

Ans. — It iz unpossibnl tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, 
he'd better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a 
slow c;iss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab 
family. 

Qu. ^What are yure centiments in regard tew southern 

rekonstrukshun ? 

Ans. In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for 

the South, iz to be born agin. 

Qu. — What iz the most karniverous animal? 

Ans. — Death. 

Qu.— What iz the eaziest thing tew^ digest? 

Ans. — A 2:ood joke. 

Qu. Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine 

suckcessf ully ? 

Ans.— Whi not ! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket 

book. 

Qu._Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule ? 
Ans.— Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and mnske- 

toze. 

Qu. Iz it proper tew spealv tew a lady acquaintance in the 

street fust, or last I 

Ans.— I should think fust, for they tell me that winmain 
will hav the last word. 

Qu. Who are the only real temperance folks in the world ? 

Ans.— The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare. 

Qu.— Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the 
word Damn as a tonick ? 

Ans.— It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river 
that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that 
it wasn't worth a dam. 



QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS. 42S 

Qu. — What iz one ov the principal dutvs we ow6 to our 
country ? 

Ans. — The customs. 

Qu. — Dew YOU beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz 
hosts, being drank up by the Red see ? 

Ans. — I do ; and i would Hke tew see the same old mirakel 
tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in Xew York city. 

Qu. — Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov 
the hmnin heart ? 

Ans. — The luv ov applaiize ; it sticks tew evrj^boddy during 
life, and repeats itself on the tumestun. 

Qu. — If yu waz hlest ! with a boy, which ov the lernt pro- 
feshions would yu dedikate him to ? 

Ans. — The shumakers. 

Qu. — Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life ? 

Ans. — Only one ; liv virtuously ; a good life, if ever so 
short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward 
into eternity. 

Qu. — Which do yu kount the happvest time in a man'« 
life ? 

Ans. — Immediately after he haz did a square thing. 

Qu. — Is whiskee a tonick ? 

Ans. — 1Sq>^ it iz an alterative ; it alters dollars into pence^ 
and men into bruits. 

Qu. — Iz revenge a viktory ? 

Ans. — Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the 
wound heals enny quicker. 

Qu. — Don't you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings 
and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the 
scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what 
haz been written long ago hi the ancients ? 

Ans. — I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation ; 
thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when 
kaster ile waz fust invented. 

Qu. — What is the difference between a mistake and % 
blunder ? 

Ans. — ^When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takea 



^24 MIS SELL AXEOUS. 

tip a good one be makes a mistake, but wben be sets down a 
o-ood umbrella and takes up a poor one be makes a blunder, 

Qu. — If \ couldn't bav but one tbing, wbat dew yu tbink it 
would be ? 

Ans. — Ivontentmentj for witb tbat i could bu}* awl tbe rest. 

Qu. — Wbicb do yu tbink iz tbe beet representative man, 
tbe lively or tbe sorry Cbnstian ? 

Ans. — Tbare aint notbing in rai praktiss so bard tew judge 
ov az pius beft, but i don't tbink tbe Lord ever takes tbe 
len^tb of a man's face for a suit of beavenlv clotbes ; be 
measures tbe soul. 

Qu. — ^Wbat iz tbe best cure for love ? 

Ans. — Tew liv on it. 

Qu. — ^Wbat iz tbe best cure for pride ] 

Ans. — A fall on tbe ice before folks. 

Qu. — "Wbat iz a sik old bacbelor like I 

Ans. — A cocoon. 

Qu. — ^Wbat iz an excuse ? 

Ans. — Tbe finesse ov reason. 

Q,j. — ^Wbat iz tbe difference between Saratoga and Long 
Brancb ? 

Ans. — At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress ; at Long Brancb 
it iz to undress and go in. 

Qu. — ^Wtere do tbe vain go tew wben tbey die t 

Ans. — A barbers sbop. 



loxct beakcii, sakatoga, a^^d lake geokge. 

THEZE tbree places are wet spots. 
I visited tbeni all during tbe past seazon, and kant be 
mistaken about tbis. 

Upon my arrival at Long Brancb, i commenced at once 
tew drink tbe water, but it did not answer mi expektasbun, 
T like lemonade, and milk puntcb, and sum eider, but mia 
eral wa*er amt mi fort. 



X.ONG BRANCH, SAKATOGA AND LAKE GEORGE. 



425 



I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt. 

I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water 
sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out 
thare. 

I laid down on mi flat stmnmuk, cluss tew the edge ov the 
water, and drank sum. 

But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and 
pushed the water 
into the shore so 
mutch that it went 
ail over me. 

This waz looked 
upon az k u s s i d 
smart, and every 
boddv laffed. 

I did not see en- 
ny thing phunny in 
it, and so i didn't 
laff. 

The water at 
Long Branch iz 
verry plenty, and 
will last for menny 
years to cum, if 
they are saving ov 

it. iney told me long braxch, Saratoga, and lake georgb. 

that the water at Long Branch waz good for the fidgit, and 
the conipshun. 

I think if the water waz strained, and the miaeral got cut 
ov it, i might worry down sum ov it. 

I took a jng ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, 
who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn't hanker for it 
but once. 

I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday 
hiz text waz, " if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be 
psalted." 

While i waz at Lone: Branch i think thare waz more thao 




426 MISSELLANEOUS. 

a inillyun ov people cum and went, and i didn't hear one ov 
them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water. 

I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till 
i learn how tew like the water. 

While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, 
which iz handy to the water. 

This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and 
sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in 
front ov the middle ov the hotel. 

The landlord ov this hotel iz a veiy clever phellow, and 
told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn't drink the 
water jet with mutch suckcess. 

His name iz "W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all 
who are in search ov a landlord. 

I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and be- 
gun to drink. 

I don't think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long 
Branch. 

I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the 
water all the time. 

The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to. 

The water ain't so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long 
Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it. 

I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and 
noticed several people thare. 

This hotel iz kept by the Zelands, and iz kept just az i 
should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one. 

I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, 
and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz. 

The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set uv phellows and 
they all told me they knew how to drink the water. 

I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel^ 
if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, 
until i learn how to finally drink the water. 

From Saratoga i went to Lake George. 

1 went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most de 
litesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest. 



LONG BEANXH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE. 427 

One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the 
rode presented me with a pass to go and cum. 

I kan saj to all who are going to Lake George to drink the 
waters, ju had better go bv the Adirondax route yu will git 
less dust and more shade ; yu will find good stages, jolly driv- 
ers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pass for youi^ 
self and wife. 

I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and 
couldn't taste enny psalt in the water. 

I waz fiuprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste, 

I tried the water the next morning, and found them still 
unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left. 

The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz 
the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakl 
psalt. 

He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me. 

1 left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water 
iz too fresh tew be profiitable. 

Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake 
George being so fine ; but i didn't go for scenery, i went for 
water. 

After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happi- 
ness, i find miself at hmn agin, feeling like a birde, but a 
leetle water-soaked. 

I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the 
winter thare, and praktiss on the waters. 

I am luld that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall 
tew drink than enny others. 

I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and stady 
poUygamy. 

If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out 
the better. 

I forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga irink ^ 
glasses ov mineral water konsekutift'. They sed he waz a 
sailor — a regular old psalt. 

I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water than 
he could swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth- 

But thare iz excepshnns tew the general ruJe. 



428 MISSELLAXEOUS. 

SUM YEGETABEL HISTOKY. 

THE strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets. 
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, 
and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price. 

The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under 
a tliin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it ; its 
fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins 
tew eat wintergreen lossingers ; its flavor is like the nektar 
which an old-fashioned goddess used tevr leave in the bottom 
ov h^T tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida. 

There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not 
a mean one in the whole lot. 

I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without 
enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy 
schoolboy, that eat dredf ul easy, without enny white sugar on 
them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the 
hurry of the moment. 

Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a 
marble, with a handle tew it. 

Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers 
into yure lips, 

"Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with 
lialfsweetened drink ; but the man who can eat strawberrys 
besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with 
sweet cream, (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz 
Land on hiz stumxmuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys 
and Btummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience — a man 
wliose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don't 
care what goes down it. 



KEIV^ ASHFOED. 

The village ov Xew Ashford iz lokated in the state ov 
Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymoutli 
rok. 



NEW ASHFOKD. 429 

It iz one ov tlicm towns that dont make enny fuss, but for 
pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bre^ad, it 
stands on tiptoze. 

It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum 
ov that party, and like all the Xu England towns, waz, at one 
time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent 
rum and tanzy. 

It may seem a lectle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew 
hear me mix up rum and religion together, but ihad an Unkle, 
who preached God's word in the next town south ov Xew 
Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to 
heaven. 

This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three mag- 
nificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four. 

I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up 
Idz faith. 

But i wouldn't advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day 
tew meddle with rmn and tanzy, az a fertilizer. 

The tanzy iz all rite — it grows az green and az bitter az 
ever ; for man kant adulturate it, but the rumhazbin bedevil- 
ed into rank pizon. 

One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between liiz 
sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would dis- 
franchise a whole drove o / preachers now. 

In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could 
mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and 
could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all 
day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled 
pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking 
the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the 
middle ov the table. 

But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and 
tanzy. 

I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we 
aint pure enufF now tew stand them, neither are we tuif enuff. 

Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but 
they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred 
years ago. 



430 MISSELLANEOUS. 

We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer ; 
weaker i admit, but wisdnm that is gained at the expense ov 
simplicity may be a doubtful gain. 

I never hav met an old man yet, who didn't mourn the 
degeneracy ov the times. 

Wisdum don't konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in 
knovring less that iz false. 

But, dear Mr. — , i will now git back tew whare i am, 
and tell yu sumthin about Xew Ashford. 

If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me. 

Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes 
up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at 
it. 

I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, 
without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot 
slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks* 

How is this for hi ? 

But what a still place this New Ashford iz. 

At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece ; at 
fiunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked ; and at 
twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov 
which seems sad and weary. 

This iz all the racket thare iz in Xew Ashford. It iz so 
still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay's 
tail 

Ont ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leak& 
a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day 
i loiter. 

In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a 
short line, on the line a shai-p hook, looped on the hook a 
grub, or a worm. 

Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this 
little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az 
eweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi 
baskit. 

This iz what i am here for ; trout for breakfest, trout foi 
dinner and tJ'out for supper. 



NEW ASHFORD. 



431 



I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling lieifer. 
Ihav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy 
I haven't read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn't read 
one for a dollar. 

I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak 
tew the senseless 
crash ov the city, 
with a tear in mi eye, 
and holes in both ov 
mi boots. 

This world iz phull 
ov fun, but most 
pholks look too hi 
for it. 

On one side ov 
this mountain they 
say thare iz rattle- 
snaix, on that side of 
the mo u n t a i n, iz 
whare i dont go. 

I am just az f raid 
ov a snaix as a wo- 
man iz, i had rather 
meet the devil, enny- 
time, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik iu 
the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me. 

I am comino- home, dear Friends in two months, and then 
i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you. 

It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud ; a still noize 
Iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez : 
"^^a-c^, he diUP 

The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz te\« 
go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if thif 
mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be. 

Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaughl 
27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, 
a big daze work. 




432 MISSELLANEOUS. 

When i got liomelast night tired, no man konldhaT bought 
tliem ov me for TOO dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it 
V7az the tired that waz wuth the munny. 

Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired. 

Dear Mr. — , good-bye, it iz now 9 oclk, P. M., and every 
ihino*,in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, 
I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then 
I will go to bed too. 

Oh ! the bliss ov living up in Kew Ashford, cluss bi the 
Bide ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every 
thino" iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo 
couldn't liv long enuff tew take one bite, whare board iz only 
4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, 
P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing. 



BENDS. 

HISTOPJANS and biographers having refused tew giv 
enny transparent account ov the various Bends that 
hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushun 
tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them 
in a joyful and flexible manner. 

The most butif ul, az well az truest bilt Bend, in this grate 
republick, iz the rainbow. 

For the inf ormashun ov the scholler we shall simply state 
that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reach- 
•ed the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze 
parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and 
improved plan. 

Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral 
ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, 
in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Hamson, formerly 
a President ov the grate republick ; and also south Bend, in 
the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, 
while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast 
for the Yice Presidency ov this grate republick with a cer 
tainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold. 



BENDS. 43& 

Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Betid in this grate 
republick is the political Bend, 

This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8. 

It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her 
side, and be the same thing all the time. 

It kan tnrn a summerset over backwards, or back asummer- 
ett over forwards. 

Menny ov our most noble pollytlcians hav bent theirselfs 
in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake. 

Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young 
men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the 
other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the 
elbo Bend,, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, 
and let the burglar whiskee tew rob tlie brain ov its patrimo- 
ny reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the 
devil. 

In life matrimonial we hav the conjngaler Bend, which 
brings a man doAvn on the hard pan ov liiz knees, and make^ 
liim az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel 
trap. 

This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never 
ought tew git chronick. 

This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows : — a house- 
hold, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom. 
ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority 
without power, whare the ynng one> are sassy without re- 
proach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew. 

In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 
19th, 1S6S,) which iz nnder the patronage ov both genders' 
the fop and the belle. 

This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin. and gives the 
wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen tur- 
kev makins: for a woodshed in a heavv shower ov rain. 

I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the 
name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted 
tew eanktify it. 

I don't kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their 
28t 



434 MISSELLANEOUS. 

travelling ; tliey are about played out, and may be hump 
backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law- 
giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge 
in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it 
taken oph with a jack-plane. 

How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be f ashiona- 
bel in New York, the homeov folly, whare just now itiz be- 
ing experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not 
long enuif tew transmit the hump tew posterity. 

I love mi fair yung country wirnmin with a gladness bord- 
ering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, 
not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on 
Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz 
forced tew hide a tear, and reply hun-iedly, in lo Duch : 

":Nix for 8tLx!"and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss 
quick. 

I don't know ov but one thing now that but few would 
hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and 
that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without 
«nny Betid in it. 

Common sense in these times haz tew^ beg for a living. 

What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend 
should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu 
crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself ! 
What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the 
market ! 

I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew 
natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the 
back ; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose great- 
est pleasure iz tew harm noboddy. 



KOLIDmG. 

THE wurd " kolide," used hi ralerode men, haz an indefi 
nit meaning tew menny folks. 
Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew 



KOLIDING. *^^ 

translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at 
""^The term " koUde '^ is used tew explain the sarkumstanse 




TTW LATE FUR THE TRA>-K, 

ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single 

trak. 

It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence 

a '^ kolide." 

Josh Billings. 



A:^rERIKAXS love eaustick things ; they would prefer 
turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink 

either. 

So with their relish of humor ; they must hav it on the halt- 
shell with cayenne. 

An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint 
sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes 
it. 



4:36 MISSELLANEOUS. 

If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yii "Lav got tew dv 
it quick. 

An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but lie don't luv tew make a 
bizzness ov it ; lie works, eats, and bawliaws on a canter. 

I guess the Englisli liav more wit, and the Amerikans more 
humor. 

We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and 
git the wit out ov it. 



HAYIIn G herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the 
grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting 
tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, 
i bought a ticket and went within the fense. 

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 
akers ov artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock com- 
pany, and froze tew order. 

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery build- 
ings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kiv- 
srered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet. 

It waz a most exsiting scene : the sun waz in the skey — and 
the wind waz in the air — and the birds were in the South — 
and the snow waz on the ground — and the ice lay shivering 
with a bad kold — and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated 
past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good 
deal. 

It waz a most exsiting scene ; I wanted tew holler " Bully " 
or lay down and rool over. 

But i kept in, and aked with glory. 

Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. 

Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side 
with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever 
stood behind. 

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze^ 
and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and 



THE FALLEX AKGELL. 



other things (tew mutch to menshiin) liuttered in the breeze 
I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life — on 

Ice. 

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement 
I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddiiily out to grass. 
I didn't kno how tew proceed. 
Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum 




flying down the trak, :] iengths ahed ov her male angell, awl 
eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed ; she 



4:38 MISS£LLA^'EOUS. 

seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, 
for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew^ oust, with gorgous 
swoop teiTiffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went 
with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skii-t 
and tapring ankle. 

Awl gathered around the bursted angell ; but lo ! in a min- 
nitt's space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather 
waz in its lawful plase ; and on she fled laffing like wine thru 
its buteous blushes. 

I had saw enuff — more happyness than belonged tew me — 
and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt 
— g<x>d. — 



WRITEES AT SHORT RAIs^GE. 

DEAR Mr. : Your letter to me this morn- 
ing for more copy haz given birth to the follering home 
made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like 
miself, infest the virtewous press. 

It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, 
tew write a haff a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz 
an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav 
tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, itiz 
a good deal like lifting things that are tied down. 

In the first plaee a comik essa must hav a short back, l^e 
sharp on the withers, not tew long legged. Kind in all harness, 
hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon. 

The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either origi 
nal or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like 
a snake sunning himself in the sand. 

It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the 
debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored 
paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out 
an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote 
latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy's 
prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze 
and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket 



WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE. ^it^il 

A.wl real strength iz sliurt ; thinks are broke, or histed^ 
v\'ith a jerk ; comik essay ers must ram pages into paragraffs; 
wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop — thare is about 
as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the gin- 
ger. 

Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks ; e\Tyboddy 
.seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where 
the little joker cums in. 

A hikew^arm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a 
Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don't understand the 
language. 

I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, 
who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don't write 
sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short 
bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily 
so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy 
kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty. 

Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don't hitch tew mennj; 
ov them together ; but their only power iz the interpretashun 
ov ideas ; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the 
better the dose. 

Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don't make 
enny remarks, and no man needn't git mad at himself bekauze 
he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word. 

A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the 
monkey in him ; he must akt sensible things strangely ; it iz 
not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly 
answer tew be an artyfishall monkey ; the deviltry in a monkey 
iz natral — if it want, it wouldn't be funny, but ridikilous. 

Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be 
a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew 
giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault. 

If enny ov yure readers. Dear Mr. , or enny 

ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav 
got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert intd 
the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, 
good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the f ro^ hind 



4:4:0 MISSEl^i^ANEOUS. 

legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don't find the 
silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they 
think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov 
brains or impudense, i don't know w^hitch. 

A man who iz on a iurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and 
git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, 
it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers. 

I hope thoze w^ho take the pain tew read this squiblet, will 
giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain't so sarching 
and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly 
advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what 
i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragratf 
trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-shell, nitroglycerine 
humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at 
haff cock, and raw sense that w^ill make a saw-hoss laff. 

I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, 
tr '^ be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it 
" i.jid hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the 

. J'- 

1 will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write 
too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must 
be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little pliooling at 
once on enny siibjik, and i s;iy bully for jou, folks. 



BEAU BENXET^S SUPPLIKASIItTlS". 

KIND Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no 
sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are styl- 
ish. 

Giv unto me morality copious ; and may mi shirt kollars 
be stiifer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter. 

Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wis 
dum be grate — even like unto Solaman's. 

Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, 
and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these nuiD- 
ber 10 feet ov mine. 



BEAL' iiENNETS SUPPLIKASHUX. 



411 



Fill up mi kup tew the brim's verry top Avith /lonor and 
hone?tv and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with 
sorrow and silent confiishion. 

Take away from me nil vanity, but grant that mi Sunday 
panterloons may fit me. even az korn iitteth the kob. 

ilemove far from me. O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain 
cstentashun, but 
grant that mi name 
amuiig w i m m i n 
may ever be spo- 
ken in acksents of 
gladness. 

Make my heart 
te'.v glisten with 
eharity, but tea^h 
mi taylor and shu- 
maker how tew 
wait for their mun- 
ny and be happy. 

Let mi heart, feast 
on the truth, but 
smile thou upon 
kork lee: and 



mi 



periwig nobby. 

Remove far from 
me all glut t on y, 

but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all 
its original buty. 

Teaz'h me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew ma r r y 
■d lug pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy. 

Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind For- 
nine, that mi liat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi 
irloves be exceeded. 

Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers 
tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and 
r.ni legs the speed ov the roebuck. 

Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep 
up appeai-ances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it. 




^2 MISSELLAXEOUS. 

Abiiv all things with modesty shower me. Yea ! make me 
all dripping wet, but don' t let me looze a good chance mi nu 
koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy. 

Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at 
church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent 
plaster. 

llemove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and 
korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calf s may still fatten on 
gaw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte 
ever buble and bile over with mersy. 

Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash 
tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the peo- 
ple shall kail me " Yvjig Purity P 

Smile thou ! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers 
and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and 
shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and 
kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misf ortins. 

Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo's with munny, all motli- 
ers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches lay- 
ing around loose, but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov 
aroma. 

Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but 
should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow be- 
kuming. 

Listen ! dear Fortune, listen ! — giv me the style ov heart 
breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, 
and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi 
buzzum. 

I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a 
lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered — farewell for the 
present — don't go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful ! I 



A LEKTUEE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. 

YU are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, 
and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety m mi saingj 
for the last time tew. 



A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY. 



443 



It ifihily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum 
kool plase, and take an honest amount ov stok, or in other 
wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the rainifika- 
;shun ov natur, aud see what natur haz ramified yu for. 

]!^ow Skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from 
thissels, neitlier dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov 




his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, noi 
sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. 

Kauze and afieck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy j 
yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. 

Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the 
above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it 
iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov 
them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. 

Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu 



444 MISSELLANEOUIS. 

hav a kail, tew preacli the gospil, or sel yankee nosliuns at 
auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla foUared, and 
both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the 
bronkeetis. 

The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings 
and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yn have sot do%vn, as 
rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno 
tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a vetei-tm sur- 
^-^on amung bosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kal- 
*.mil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin. 

Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly 
between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil ; if yu 
find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at 
onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up 
yure cue, naturally 6z akordinly. 

Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial 
notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik ; but if yu find 
yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth 
(fe the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the 
kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure 
kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams. 

Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a 
pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. 

If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste 
intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys 
on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiskaand kounter- 
iit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell 
yure prinsiples tew git even ; if yu kant go this, and tend awl 
the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, '' What 
an ornyment to sosiety he iz !" i sa, if yu kant go all this with- 
out blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain 
an honest living bi cheatin on the square. 

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feel- 
ing towards yu bi the author, and if yu f oiler the direckshuns 
laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, 
in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the govo 
nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpen- 
ter and jiner. 



FEMALE REMARKS. 445 

FEMALE EEMAEKS. 

DEAR Girls, are yu in sareli ov a husband? 
This is a pumper, and yu are not required tew eay " Yes ** 
out loud, but are expekted tew throw ynre eyes down ontc 
the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the 
interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz 
eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the haff shell. 

Isot tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn 
in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu 
are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost 
yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching 
when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. 
Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot 
yure fewter hussband : 

1. The man who iz jellous ov eyery little attenehun which 
yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are m.ar- 
ried tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu 
mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into 
indifference. Jellousy isn't a heart-diseaze ; it isalfver-kom- 
plaint. 

2. A mustash is not indispensible ; it iz only a little more 
hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences — 
often duz the best on sile that won't raize ennything else. 
Don't forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow 
before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a huss- 
band after, and a mustash will git tew be \evy weak diet after 
a long time. 

3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, 
two-thirds ov them would probably be returned ; but thare 
don't seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will 
see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even 
if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold 
Titles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during 
courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will 
take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cams 
mW wash well. 



446 MISSELLANEOUS. 

4. Don't many a plieller wlio iz alwus a-telling how hix 
mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz 
tew wean a yung one. 

5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and 
kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a 
back sunmiersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i 
say, skip him ; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett 
him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got 
tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick 
(and not very hefty at that), ain't no better for a husband 
than a seedlitz powder ; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing 
sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. 
But don't marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker 
than yu would flop a man for jist one fault. 

6. It iz one of the most tufiest things for a female tew be 
an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and 
made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old 
maids jist az they do upon dried harbs — in the garret, handy 
for sickness — and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu 
should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true 
phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one ; but don't 
swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father 
iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and 
then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. 
No woman ever made this trade who didn't git either a 
phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband. 

7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging 
grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform 
yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz 
more ov them. 

I don't think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it ; and, 
tharefore, i will keep it ; for i look upon advise as i do upoi> 
castor ile — a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take. 

But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find 
a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon 
poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth — who had 
rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue 



' PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 447 

hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in 
debt for hiz dinner and toothpick — one who iz armed with 
that kind ov phick, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi 
iidvise is tew take him boddy and soul — si: ^re him at onst, 
for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in ^^r waters. 

Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a 
ixee. 



PRIVATE OPIXYUXS. 



MI private opinyun iz— that politeness iz about the only 
profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking 

into. 

Mi private opinyun iz— that the man who cheats me, iz a 
good deal mi inferior. 

Mi private opinyun of Fame iz— that it konsists in being 
praized wrongfully while yu hv, and being damd inkorektly 
when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, 
iz tew make him respektably forgotten. 

Mi private opim-un iz— that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, 
all the wuss for being cracked. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that manufaktring phun for other 
pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy 
bizzness. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that originahty in writing waz 
played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, 
iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a 
man. 

Mi private opinyun iz— that the most that leammg kan do 
for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno. 

^li private opinyun ov civilashun iz — that it alwus ends in 
luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The bar- 
barians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredf ul sorry 
tor this, but i kant help it. 

Mi private opinyun ov dandvs iz— that they are moraly 
iiybrid and i guess they are otnei ways too. 



448 



MISSELLANEOUS. 



Mi private opinjun iz — that when a man haint got enny 
thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it. 

My private opinyun iz — that sum men did aktually spring 
from the monkey, and didn't hav fm* tew spring neitlier. 

Mi private opinyun ov Rum iz — that the man who sells it 
to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman — the hiwayman 

demands yure mun- 
ny or yure life — the 
rum seller demands 
both. 

Mi private opin- 
yun ov " Wimmi7i^s 
Bites'^'' iz — that na- 
tur haz fi x t them 
jist about rite^ and 
natur never under- 
lets a kontrakt, nor 
baks out ov a posi- 
shun. 

Mi private opin- 
yun iz — that humor 
0U8 iektures kan nev- 
er be a suckcess, for 
two reasons — one iz, 
bekauze most people 
look upon the men who makes them laif az vastly inferior to 
them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the Atlantik 
Monthly sez so. 

My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz — that it iz 
like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the 
kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer 
walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the 
inside. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that virtew iz better than gold, but 
i also hav bin told tlian 10 dollars in gold will go farther 
towards bilding a chm'ch, or a boss ralerode, than all the 
piety ov Moses. 




PRIVATE OPINYUNS. 449 

Mi private opinyun ov human natiir iz — that it is like a 
setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as 
whare tliare iz. 

Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz — that without enny experi- 
ence at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the 
man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to- 
morrow. 

Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz — that az a rekreashun, 
it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizz- 
ness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that the man who mistakes a surly 
temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who 
got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his 
next one. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that a young man oftner neglekts 
hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry. 

Mi private opinyun iz — that adversity and temtashun are 
the very best kind ov tests ov virtew. 

Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz — that the girablet kind 
iz the most sarching. 

Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz — that it iz like 
.Toner's gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a 
day. 

Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav 
earched iz — from fair to midling. 

Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz — that he iz a slieep in 
wolfs clothing. 

Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest 
anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted. 

My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed 
in dieing an old maid, they don't deserve all the punishment 
they receive. 

Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, 
and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don't kno it. 

Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum 
stop short ov their raishun, but are fully equal tew the ocka- 
shun. 

m 



450 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Mi private opinyun ov boys iz, if i hadn't been one once 
miself, and a taff one at that, i should feel like sending the 
whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay. 

Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years 
ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them. 

Mi pi-ivate opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they 
hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in tbeij 
beds, and i ain't sorry for it neither. 

!Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden 
viktorys than logick haz. 

Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful 
sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too. 

Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that tbeir affeckshun ought 
almost tew make them immortal. 

Mi piivate opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought 
tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too. 

My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known 
tew hit enny thing he kouldn't reach, but iz alwus reddy tew 
try it ^ 

Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both 
eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on 
me. 

My private opinyim iz that here iz a good place tew bait, 
and i am a big phool if i don't halt. 

A STJGGESTSHUN. 

The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan 
az dew iz to tbe grass. 

Hot kakes and kaugliphy, kodphisb bawls, and hash are use- 
ful, but the morning paper iz vittles and di-ink. 

An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not 
more than haiF edukated for that day ; he goes tew hiz bizz- 
ness haff-doubtful and haff- ashamed ov liimseK ; he iz 
afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az 
a man in a strange land who don't understand the language. 

Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, 
and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious 
tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing. 



ON COURTING. 451 

There iz lots ov pholks wlio git all their laming o^it ov the 
morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in 
they are az pha^* with usephiJl knowledge az the sekretary 
ov a sowing sosiety. 

Tliey go round az glib az a boy's windmill in a good 
breeze ; they ain't afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk 
incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz 
ehuze. 

The man who hain't red the morning paper, and the man 
who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one 
who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and 
the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz 
got two. 

I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew 
go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the moun- 
tain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, 
and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old boss out 
tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him. 

This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit 
life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a 
mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns 
in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so. 

But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning 
paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin 
the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old 
toper. 



ON COITRTING. 

COUETING is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a 
beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. 
The man wlio has never courted haz lived in vain ; he haz 
bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes ; he has 
bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov 
murmuring canals. 



452 MISSELLAXEOUS. 

Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out 
from under a rock at the tut ov a mountain and run down 
the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each 
uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under 
l)ank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby 
tha jine and then tha go slow. 

I am in f aver ov long courting ; it gives the parties a chance 
to find out eaeli uther's trump kards, it iz good exercise; and 
is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs. 

Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did 
^low, then yu git the flaver. 

Az a ginral thing i w ouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when 
i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knii tew mutch. 

If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square 
if vu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest tfme in vure life, yu kan 
git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. 

Don't court for munny , nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things 
are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, 
iiabel tew git out ov repair and bast at enny minnit. 

Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue 
j'.jul bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a 
mother, court her as yu wud court a farm — for the strength 
ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title ; court her as tho 
she want a f ule, and yu a nuther ; court her in the kitchen, in 
the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; courc this 
wa, yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't 
git a good hustband, the fait won't be in the courting. 

Yung man, 3'u kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant 
make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yn 
how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a c^nt. 



LATEST NUZEPAPER TA'TLmGS. 

EBEKEZEP SMTH haz sold out hiz :annrcy at Pordunk 
hollow, and bout a house on 5th avciievr. 
Tlie lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid'^ v.ill be 



LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS. 



453 



4;roiiglit to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant 
Oennis O'Tool. 

Proffes&or IS'orris haz just returned from the north pole, 
and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at 
the base, and 94 feet hi. He also brought back ^vith him a 
Dair ov web footed duks. 

The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit t^w the 
Miss S i n b a d s, ov ^ _. 

Lexington avenew — 
lovely creatures all 
ov them. 

Mocking b i r d s' 
tongues on toast will 
be on the bills ov 
fare, this summer, at 
the Kontinental Ho- 
tel, Long Branch. 

The Kev. Namby 
Pamby asked for a 
4: thousand dollar 
hoist in his salary, 
or dismissal. The 
congregashun voted 
unanimus to let him 
went. (Bully for the 
kongregashun.) 

Mrs. Ulrich Kikodemus haz changed the hour ov her re- 
sepshuns fi*om haff past 2 o'klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a 
t^aarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits, Ex- 
%iange papers will pleaze coppy. 

Obadiah Bunkum sold hi^ hameltonian pup Jerr)% last 
week, tew Bichards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dol- 
lars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mut^h ov 
a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its 
center. 

It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello 
will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dau- 




454 MISSELLANEOUS. 

ter, Betsy Pancliinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Bai'os 
Von Chanlk, and the family will enter seklushun on tk)> 
account 

Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton 
tor trieing tew pass a couiiterfit omnibus on a 50 cent drivei 
uv the 23 street line ov stages. 

Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ovthe SancoPan^ 
za breed, and offers 40 dollars " for hizTincerimorious return." 
(^' TTncerimonious return " iz kussid good.) 

Bum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, iij 
beinsr revived amonor the hi toned cirkles. One man in !N'u 
Jersey haz drove all the musket oze oph from a thousand akers 
ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tan- 
zy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters tliat may be 
looked for. 

Jaw Bone Bill a selebn.ted brave ov the Xinkumpoop tribe 
ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit 
apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the 
occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when 
deth put an end tew hiz sufferings, 

Miss Bosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not 
affianced tew a prominent "Wall street broker, and will giv 5 
dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy 
sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.) 

G. "W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for 
Josh Billings, entitled "Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen 
C<:msola8hun." (This iz a kussid no sich thing. — J. B.) 

The cirkulashnn ov the Xew York Weekly ha^ allready 
reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same 
old tune, " Excelsior ^ 

The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov ^^ snob j[>la<ie^'' will hav a 
klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, 
" Goose Noolt^^ to whitch the Van Doodles are invite<l. 
(Doubtful.) 

Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a 
mucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately follow 
ed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 



LATEST ^UZEPAPER TATLING. 455 

seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best 
mile made vet by ennj sucker. 

Keport sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee 
Brown, nee Jones, nee Beck with, nee Smith, nee McPherson^ 
nee Miss Angeline Spraker — 5 times a widder, will soon lead 
tew the alter Walter Eonndout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.) 

On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel 
bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 
years engagement. 

On ditto^ that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a fail- 
ure, and that starvasliun must foller. 

On dittimus, that Georga Washington Vinegar will spend 
6imi time this year at the 5th avenew hotel. 

New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union. 

It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one 
Injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss 
on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thou- 
sand dollars; hut, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. 
(Let the good work go on.) 

Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. 
The nu color iz chestnut sorrel — tlie old color waz dapple 
grey. 

We are authorized tew state that Mrs. Alan thus haz just 
returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having 
resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy 
tew receive proposals. 

A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates *' that thare 
haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood." 

We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr, 
and Mrs. Jibboom ; their respektibility iz now fully establisli- 
ed, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse car- 
riage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hatband and 
sum yeller brass buttons. 

The latest agony in poodles iz safiVon, with steel coloured 
eyes. 

Matilda O'Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karac 
ter, will veceive proposals at her residence, in Albany street 



456 MISSELLANEOUS. 

No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the sum. 
nier az company un tew a lady, provided suitable referenccij 
are given ! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted 
ov the usual presents expekted from the family. 

Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan 
hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergur- 
son. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had 
waccinashun. 



JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. 

THE velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, w^ith two wheels, 
placed (3onsekutively, one wheel before the other, and the 
other wheel behind the fust one. 

They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from 
east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick 
oshun. 

They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun. 

They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and 
in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, 
known to man. 

The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle 
the question, in what manner they shall occupy them. 

Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy 
both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall 
remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt 
castom ov occupying the noble animal, the boss. 

It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the 
^•wimmins' right committee," and that nothing, ov a one 
sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from fill- 
ing her destiny. 

I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair com- 
petishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az med- 
isin, cmd may the best man win. 

It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see 



JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE. 457 

the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance 
ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, 
nobody but a dam phool, or a ioggy, would object tew it — if 
we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov 
us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things. 

I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the volosipead^ 
and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk. 

The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory 
gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simpl'i law ov 
attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its 
proper and natural revolushun. 

Xothing can be more simple and yet more be^mtiful than 
this law in science ; the philosophers are az wel'- acquainted 
with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps 
better. 

There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am 
lookino: anxiouslv forward to, and that iz, to leam to stand 
still till you mount them. 

IS'othing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into 
ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one 
of them standing still. 

I hav seen the nobel animal, the boss, when they wanted 
to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and 
kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz 
stole from the boss without giving him credit for it. 

If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosi- 
pead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, 
and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs 
up his masheen. 

I hav thought if the pioneer Avheel of the velosipead could 
be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, 
for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a 
means ov grace, az well az buty , but this would take the poe- 
try all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov useful- 
ness. 

If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set 
\t to work at sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to oust. 



458 MlbSELLANEOUS. 

The moshnn ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov 
tlie icggs — or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetjs, the 
woixi le^gs iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who 
ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the 
sosiety ov reHned people. 

This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who 
understands that *^ velosipeads " iz manufakterd out ov two 
fornn words, ^^ veloss^'' and ^'pedoss,^' which vulgarily means 
^'lively leggs,^'' but politely means, '•'pedal swiftriessy 

If a man don't understand latin now a daze, hekant hardly 
€BJoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier. 

The velosipead iz not a modern discovery ; long before the 
days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use. 

The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and 
history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto 
the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian 
country. 

I hav seon them miself with only one wheel to them, theze 
had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were pro- 
pelled by a shove moshun. 

Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are 
called " wheelbarrows," or sumthing that sounds like that. 

This is all i kno now about the velosipeads. 



THE EASE KOARSE. 



GRATE rase ! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, 
April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eje watch, 
free for awl bosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses ! 

Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, 
at " Jamaka rum four comers," and having never saw a boss 
trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov 
the breed ov bosses, i agreed i w^ud go, jist tew encourage the 
breeding ov good bosses. 

I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and 
well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannery s. 



THE RASE KOARSK. 



45t> 



The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 
3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl 
condukted on stiik whiskee prinsiples. 

I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their reh'gns 
views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarjg 
abreast. 

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopilwaz pealing bark 
in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot 
in. 

I asked a gentleman present, wlio ced he was a reporter for 
" The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the pop- 




JOHN BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO THE RACES. 

lashun ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn't, 
but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, 
on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tav- 
ern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole 
ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew 
onst 

Having asked sura nther inquirs's, ov a mixed natur, i san- 
tered down tu where the rase koarse waz. 



460 MIS8ELLANE0US. 

THE TRACK. 

I found tlie track waz about a miM in circnmferense, and 
ov a sandj disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one 
side, and a biiisli fense on tutber, and in jist abont 3 ininnet 
condishnn. 

The iudore's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides 
bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the 
C4irt. 

THE H03SES. 

Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and 
laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught 
ov anuther boss, about 10 days ago. 

Tha ced slie had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside 
ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. 

I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick panty- 
loons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree 
was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, 
ced, " she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minis- 
ter,'' and then tha both laffed. 

I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz " Fryin-Pan." 

The uther boss waz a red boss, rather hastily konstructed, 
with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his 
trotting so fast, in a windy day ; i shud tliink he waz about 
5 feet and a haf in bite, and ov a kickin natur. 

Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite 
name waz " Juise Harp." 

FUST HEAT. 

The bosses both cum up tew the shore in the immejiate 
visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. 

The gra mare waz druv bi " Dave Larkin," and the boss 
was handled bi '' Ligh Turner." 

Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins ; the 
mare with her bed hi up and her noze full ov winde ; the boss 
waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf 
mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits. 

Now the kontest becum exsiting, "Dave"' hollered, and 



THE RASE KOAESE. ^61 

" Ligh - ' yelled — on tha kuin, tlie mare gru liiglier, and the 
lioss gru longer — tha make the last turn tew oust — tha look 
like a dubble team — the exsitement grows more intensely^ 
the crowd sways to and fro — the ox cart trembles — tha cum 1 
tha cum ! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chaw- 
ing terbacker, waz never herd before ; the mare iz ahed I — 
no, the boss iz ahed ! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox- 
cart — the boss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4: minnits 
lacking 2 seckunds. 

REMARKS. 

The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and 
children. 

Each party are sanguinary ov suckces. 

The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red 
boss. 

At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young 
man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the 
mare wud win the nex lieat ; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, 
and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and 
sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, 
that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse. 

SECKUND HEAT. 

The bosses both sho signs ov distress. 

The gra mare's ears hang down the side ov her bed, like 
two wet rags, and the boss rests his tale on the ground. 

Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin 
tew the shore, az tho tha waz yoked togetber. 

Awa tha go ; the boss a leetle ahed. 

The boss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. 

On the bak stretch, " Dave " went at the mare with hiz 
long purswader ; she trots like litening, she passes the boss I 
no I she busts ! she busts ! and befour " Dave " cud flatten her 
down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean 
up tew her hips in the krambery mash. 

The boss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, 
that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground. 



462 MIS SELL ANEOUS. 

Time ov this lieat, not fur from 5 minnits, '• Jnise Harp" 
winning, bi a quarter ov a mile. 

Tims ended the grate rase at " Sulphur Flats." 
1 immej lately started on foot for " Jamaka Rum four 
corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and 
even whiskee mite deteryoate, tlie breed ovhosses mnst begin 
tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais. 



BILLINGS LEXICON. 



BLUSR — The creran ov modesty. 
Ginger-pop — Gimnastik water, 

Man — Live dirt. 

Friends — Books, paintings, and stuft birds. 

Eashfullnes — Ignorance afraid. 

Conservatism — A bag with a hole to it. 

Eadicalism — A hole with a bag to it. 

Aristocrat — A demokrat with hiz pockets filled. 

Politicks — The apology ov plunder. 

Tin watch — Faith without works. 

Mule — A bad pun on a horce. 

Patience — Faith waiting for a nibble. 

Sparking — Picking buds oph from the bnsh. 

Malice — A blind mule kicking by guess. 

Eternal — God's epitaff. 

Cars — Cat pizen. 

Faith — The soul riding anchor. 

;B]iss — Happiness bileing over and running down both 
Bides ov the pot. 

Marriage— An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook 
BJjii woman her luv letters. 

Quack — A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bilL 

Hash — A boarding-hous confidence game. 

Pnss— An old hen with one chicken. 

Twins — 2 mutch. 



BILLINGS LEXICO>:. 



4SZ 



Boarding-School — A place whare wry coffee and fiirtashun 
iz taugiit. 

Experiment — Energy out ov a job. 
Perfection — God in man. 

Virtue- That ingredient wliitcli needs no foil, and without 
whitch nothing else iz valuabel. 

Solitude— A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew 
stay. 

Sloth — Life in a tomb. 
Health— A call loan. 

Memor}- — The shadow that the soul casts. 
Politeness — Sixty day paper. 

Poverty — Tlie only birthright that a man kant lose. 
Accidents — The dismay ov phools, the wize man's barome- 
ter. 
Ease — Discounted time. 
Wealth — Baggage at the risk ov the owner. 
Trials — Whetstuns. 

Fortune — The aggregate ov possihilitys ; a goddess whom 
cowards count by ste<alth, but whom brave men take by 
storm. 

Economy — A fust mortgage on wealth. 
Enough — Jist a leetle more. 
Dignity — AYisdum in tights. 
Mischief — The maliss ov tun. 
C<K)k — One who manufakters appetiglits. 
Diseases — The whipping posts and branding irons ov lui- 
ury. 
Drunkenn^s — Shame lost and shame found. 
Cowardice — Pluck on ice. 
Glutton — A man with a drunken appetight. 
Examples — Foot prints in the wilderness. 
Xunnery — Piety in chains. 
Ignorance — Paw happiness. 

Sin — A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discover 
ed to be an antidote. 

Friendship — One ov love's pimps. 



464 MISSELLANEOUS. 

Envy — A disease original with Cain, bat which hiz brothel 
Abel afterwaid caught, and died suddenly ov. 

Belle — A female boss ov the situation. 

Fancy — The flirtashun ov truth. 

Sarcasm — An undertaker in tears. 

Sulks — DefF and dum madness. 

Courting — A liugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game. 

Fiction — A lie with holiday clothes on. 

Hen — A lay member. 

Law^ — The shackels ov liberty. 

Science — The literature ov truth. 

Deceit — A ded wasp with a live tail. 

Babys — Dividend. 

Miser — A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away 
hiz munny in. 

Misfortunes — A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they 
kan steal. 

Spirituolist — A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on 
Ben Franklin & Co. 

Inheritance— Second-hand goods, other people's leavings. 

Ironclads — Vessels ov wrath. 

Grave Yard — A small patch ov land, cultivated by the 
dead, lieing between time and eternity. 

Lap Dogs — A nucleus for affeckshun out ov a job. 

Society — Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacred- 
ly watching over the ashes. 

Jealousy — Self love. 

Stingyness — The bran ov economy. 

Buck Saw — An instrument ov torture. 

Bragadocio — One who pulls hiz own courage b}^ the noze. 

Anxiety — Milking a kicking heifer w^th one hand, and 
holding her by the tail with the other. 

Swearing — The metalic cuiTency ov loafers. 

Judicious Benevolence — The brains ov the heart. 

Blue Jay — The fop ov the forest. 

Policy — " Honesty iz the best policy," but policy iz not 
alwus the best honestv. 



OWLY. -iijo 

Bachelor — The hero ov a cot bedstead. 
Club Houses — Whare the hen-pecked go tew sware, and 
smooth out their feathers. 
Lie — The cowardice ov truth. 
Skunk — An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant. 



OTTLY. 

HERE we have a batch of immaculate truths from the 
- Owl Club." 

After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and 
approved, each '* Owl,'' as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook 
out his feathers, and story -telling commenced, the President 
leading off as usual. 

'* 1 never can hear of a man's gitting his head broke," said 
the President, '•but 1 call to mind the wonderful accident that 
occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago. 

"A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full 
speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a pot- 
ash kettle, which lay beside the road, bis head was split down 
to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a 
pair ov epaulettes. 

'* This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skill- 
ful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the 
strength of tiiis accident.'' 

'* A very good story, and undoubtedly true,'' said the Vice- 
President " Owl,*' " but I don't think it quite so miraculous 
as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a 
clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely 
through. 

" His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hur* 
ricane. 

'' As she was passing Xatches, on a down trip, she blew up, 
and fflled the air with everv kind of fraoTnents. 

"Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, acd 



im 



Mib^ELLANEUUS. 



there being a strong wind at the time, he was carried over 
onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a 
jewelry store. 

"After pcossing down through three stories of the building, 
he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the con- 
Sf/ NNIN e cern who demanded 
/ _.,,_ tive liundred dollars 

for the damages done 
to his building. 

'* * I can't pay so 
much money,' said 
Joe, ' but i will give 
you two hundred 
and ^i\\,andlhave 
often settled for this 
price tefore^ '* 

"Bully for Joe 
French," said one of 
the" Owls." "But 
let me tell you a 
little story about an 
attorney by the 
name of G e r s h' 
Buckley, who prac- 
ticed law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago. 

" Gersli had a case, in the county com't, which he lose, and 
in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney 
with taking less than the customary fees. 

" Gersh plead quietly to the charge. -But, gentlemen,' 
said he, ^ / done all in my poioer to sustain ths honor of the 
nrofession^ I took all the money the man had!' " 

At this point, one of the " Owls," more noted for his gravi- 
ty than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be 
heard, as follows : 

" Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance 
which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1S40. 
I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having 




OWLY. 46'5 

taten passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Biix^k 

'• Twenty-five miles np the river we overtook the Memphis 
Belle, an opposition boat, jnst leaving a woodyard. Rosin 
and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were 
quickly side by side in a close-contested race. 

'' Suddenly word was passed along the boat, * Man over- 
board V 

"The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man 
had paid his passage. 

" ' Yes I' shouted the clerk. 

" * Then go ahead on her, engineer !^ was the captain's or- 
der.'' 

" Owl " number five plumed his feathers and opened h'u 
short but eil vers- -toned boak, as follovrs: 

" Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was throwi 
from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretch 
er near the judges' stand many wagers were made among the 
sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery. 

" A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the 
gamblei-s interposed, for, they said, it would seriously affect 
the fah'jiess of the hets.^^ 

" I don't believe that story," said " Owl " Number Six ; 
"but here is one which has been in our family for over forty 
years, and we all know it to be true : 

" An old irentleman — who. bv the wav, was almost entire- 
ly deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claim- 
ing certain damages. The case was one which the justice 
thought ought not to go to a jur}', but should be settled be- 
tween the parties. Pie therefore instructed the attorney to 
ask the old orentleman what he would take to settle tlie suit. 
The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man's ear, said, 
in a loud tone : 

" ' The court wants to know what yc»u will take.' 

" Turning his eye blandly toward the judge's bench, the 
old gentleman replied : 

" ' Thank the squire for me, and tell liim I will take a leetlf 
Santy Cruise mm without sugar.' " 



4:68 MISSELLAXEOUS. 

'• Owl " Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got ofl 
the following : 

" Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish 
net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words 
was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents com- 
ing upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent : 

" ' Old man, don't let him git the start of you — call him a 
thief and a liar first. ' " 

"That puts me in mind," said the next " (9w.'Z," of a story, 
not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we 
have just listened to. 

"Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed 
gardening for a li^TQg, had been to the neighboring town to 
do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with 
him, both ov them got ^inco tight. 

" On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, 
as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed un- 
till the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to 
search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud 
of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to the nsing 
tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her 
Hips. 'Not another dro^, hot. nor cold j not another droj^^ 
will Itakey^ Owlet.* 



poedu:n^k tillage. 



n TRAKGER 1 hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my 
O natiS place ? 

It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two 
small mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania. 

It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose 
crik, whitch meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy 
az a skool boy, on hiz way tew the distrikt skool hous. 

I waz bora here, and the ground on whitch the old hous 
Btood, iz thare yet. Mi aneesters are all here too, but they 



rOKDUNK VILLAGE. 



469 



hav retired from bizzness, and are taking their eaze, in tha 
old grave, yard ov the little one story church. 

The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfoiks 
o-athered in, on Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and 
brao; on their bush beans, and other gardin sass, iz gone, and 
departed. 

And Eoger Williams, where iz he ? 

Eoger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the 
parson, on a bit ov 







.-kripture, hiz anvil 
iz still, and he now 
livs in his new house, 
with the rest of the 
old people, just back 
ov the little one story 
church. 

Whare iz Square 
Watkins, the justiss 
of the peace ? be knu 
law, and the stattews, 
just az eazy az he did 
the 10 commands, hiz 
little old offiss, for 50 
years unpainted, iz 
now no more. 

Iso one ovhiz name 
iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by side, just 
back ov the little one story church, az still az deth kan make 
them. 

Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don't see her! Pool 
Sue, she waz not alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, 
a night's lodgeing no one refused, she was even butiful still, 
when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from the flash ov her misteri- 
ous eye. 

The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often 
told, and so soon forgotten, a mans perfidy. 

Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farth^ koruer. just 



470 MISSELLANEOCS. 

bak ov the little one story clmrcli, wliare the ded lay the 
thikest, lays Sue. 

A weep in willo%y, sown bi aksident, hangs oyer her graye, 
and on her hed stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi 
time, kan be made out, " Sue Dunham, aged 59." 

Parson Powell, who led hiz flok bi the side oy still waters 
who wet with hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in 
wedlok, and who asked God to take the departing ones, I 
miss him too ; peacefully he sleeps, just bak oy the little one 
story church. 

Deakon Tucker, w^ho sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis 
bi the pint, who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept 
raizen and razor straps, who could mezzure a yard oy kotton. 
oy kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th oy Julys, sold 3 fii*e 
krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, wliat haz bekum ov the 
deakon ? 

Years ago. he fled, not far away, but cluss up tew the back 
wall oy the little one story church, near to Parson Powell. 

An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham, and withal az keen at 
a trade az a hornet, Them that swopped bosses with Ez 
once, didn't hanker tew do it again, he waz honest, but oh ! 
how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the whole village re- 
member him, he haz gone whare they don't giy, nor git boot, 
they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story 
church. 

Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job's wife, and all ov 
Job's sons, and dauters. 

I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, 
the people all stare at me, az i stop h^re and stop tha7'e, to 
say tew miself, " here it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave 
Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle on the village green, and 
thare stood the old town pump." 

" Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a 
shave, and thare, Burbanks haff soled boots for a quarter," 

" Here— let me see ! w^as it here ? Yes Old Mother Benne- 
way sold taffy here, each stick at least 8 inches long, and 
made out of Deakon Tuckers best Porto Eico m^lassis," 



POKDUNK VILLAGE. 471 

" Thare stood the little red skoul lions, riglit tLare, it waz 
the forks ov a road then, it is the komer of a block now. 

"'Who kan tell me wliare Daniel Pnrdy the skjol master 
lives now, no one ! I hav asked a dozen, bnt no one remem- 
i>er Daniel Purdy. 

"It iz a sad thiiig tew be a skoolmaster, no one ever seems 
tewkno \\ hare they go when yu miss them. They just seem 
to depart that's ail. I never knu one tew die, and be buried." 
Ah, it iz pleasant ! — i: is sad, to go bak tew the village of 
Poixiunk, thare is more peojde now thare, than there waz 
when i waz a boy, but how dinerent are they, — or how dif- 
rerent am I. 

The old trees are the same, man kant alter them, goose 
krik nms jist whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, 
the mountains each side haven't grown enny sm.aller, the 
birds sing the same songs, but i don't knu enny one that i 
meet, and what is n:ore lonesome, no one that i meet knows 
me, 

When i go tew PorJunk, and want tew see enny boddy 
tiiat I remember, i go down the main street to the fust kor- 
ner, just whare Joel Parker once lived, then i turn tew the 
left, and keep on fur a ways, till i cum tew the little one 
story church. 

Just bak ov that they are all living new. They don't 
remember me when i go thare, but I remember them. It 
'Aon't be very long now before I shall jine tliem. 



4 LETTEES. 

Mister Brovyn. — In haste, dear sur, I repli tew ynre lettel 
thuelj : 

Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between 
the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. 
The musik which thev yield is balmy, but looses much of 
'ts melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav list- 
ened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews hai-p, and 
wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi 
soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female 
bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite 
bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik 
or they aint heltliy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled 
bi the yimg and impashioned bull frog. 

If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, 
issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every 
bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik. 

Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan liear the 
pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov 
the ''rombone, or the pig like laffing ov the life, or the jigger 
ov the banjo and the bones. 

I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, 
and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to 
the time when bull froo:s will set under everv vine and fit' 
tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp. 

If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, 5 dont 
kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin. 

472 



4 LETTERS. 



473 



Mister Bates. — The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted 
cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch 
them the of tenest, and hang onto them the most It aint al- 
ways a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew 
them tew bight oph 

their tail, just outside ^^^^ || 

ov the jaws ov the 



trap, 



and thus save 




tlieir rat meat. 

Bob tailed rats hav 
ceased tew be a curi- 
osity to me long ago. 

Once i should hav 
looked upon a bob- 
tailed rat with mingled 
pheelings ov pitty, 
and J- uprise, but them 
daze hav fled from 
me, i look upon a bob- 
tailed rat now, as a 
eluss bizzness tran- 
sackshun. 

Kats are one ov the 4 letters 

far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildemes, 
and i wouldn't if i waz they. 

Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i 
lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov 
night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chafing 
holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in thewainscote. 

Itats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep 
a phamily in rats for years. 

Hats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but 
what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up. 

Hats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am 
told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China. 

I shouldn't wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav aV 
wns accustomed miself to plain vittles. 



474 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS, 

Mister B amies. — Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles. 

Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than al- 
most ennj other breed ov food. 

For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & 
eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap 
jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good. 

I like to eat hash this way better than enny other. 

Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash. 

If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 
20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash. 

I hav seen ha^h miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et 
it, and still liv. 

I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the 
landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate. 

This makes me very popular at ail the boarding houses 
which I attend. 

If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, 
and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and 
now and then a fine tootli comb, that want more than half 
worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the 
head of aU mux food. 

Miater BarUett. — Ov all the animals who waz brought 
akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver 
ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most 
respek table. 

A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family. 

I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a 
brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk 
that aint watered. 

It iz nnkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint 
watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about 
this. 

It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow. 
but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out. 

Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch. 

The cowcumber cums under the bed ov gardin sass, and 
they gro on a ninning vine, ^nd the vine kan beat every vine 
nmning, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started. 



JOSH SETTLES UP. 475 

They are a little balky about starting. 

I bav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one nio-bt. 
besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way. 

Kowcumbers kut up into tliin slices, and rooled in peper, 
and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain 
in the hebdominal region. 

A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember 
ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perf ektshun. 

Mister Boggs. — Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov 
yure dog, reached me by yesterday's male. 

I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been 
deprived ov a dog once miself. 

I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March 
three years ago. 

I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house. 

lie probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else. 

He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown ofl 
Tom a clothesline, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold 

He waz a bul pup, but iz no more. 

Tiger waz hiz fust name. 

I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog. 

Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to 
eak. 

Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants toomutcb 
^ratching, to be invested in dorgs. 



JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS COERESPONDEXTS 
SUMMAPwILY. 

" Philander^ — If yu borrow ov the De\'il, yu must keep 
yure eye |x^eled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mort' 
gage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose. 

'''Pl<Uo?'' — Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that 
i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man's 
moral kokemutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, 
for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got 
the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the 
least ov. 



^76 ANSWERS TO CORRESPOXDEXTS. 

" Pindar.'''' — The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, 
and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. 
The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next 
strongest iz 10 per cent, for the use ov it. 

" PhiUij}y — If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer, — 
the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard 
knocks. 

" Pan.'''' — Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men 
who hunt for it the most iind it the least. 

*''- PoweJir — Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but 
it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels. 

" PosthoyT — Marrying for munny, iz much like falling 
out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good 
strike^ it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again. 

" Pe<icockr — Yu will find in yure journey through this 
vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul 
with anguish, and dissapointments bitter : — thare i£ one 
thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buz- 
zum iz tricing tew bust with hope, and that iz — hiz mustash. 

*' P'doiP — A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and 
not be verry wize, after awl ; jist az he may hav a heap ov 
strength, and not know the best holts. 

" Pilgarlick.^^ — Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony 
sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way : 

Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet 
in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel) ; skin the eel length- 
ways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized 
gutty perch y, and equal parts ov merino wool ; seazon with 
Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch 
grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade 
marks ; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into 
right lengths, and sold for police clubs. 

This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold 
medal at the Paris imposition. 

" Ph^LvaoliP — It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work 
harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy 

" Ped/ro,^^ — Before yu buy the boss yu speak ov, look hira 



A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 477 

over clnsv^, but don't exainin liim much afterward, for fear 
yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This 
iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife. 

'* Pontoon.'' — The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git 
the tail the right heft ; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what 
haz spilte a whole parcel oy clever kites. 

*" Palmer J' — Early impreshions are like the dews on the 
young flowers, soon dried oflP, but what the fragrance iz made 
of. 

'' PiTKiJiba^Jcr — Don't beleave more than half that yu 
hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster 
with each one of tliem than Dexter can trot to an anatomy 
"waggon. 

*' Palmer^ — In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i 
am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i 
waz born in the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, 
am long, but crooked, don't beleaf in speeiits (not even Ja- 
n]aka speerits ;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and 
hay every reazon to beleave that I am now ; hav never raized 
enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew 
git out ov repair ; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children ; 
hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with 
a ynng feller ; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind ; i wear 
a mustash, and immber 10 pegged boots ; hav a sangunary 
temperament, and a billyus noze ; eat az other folks do, except 
roasted gooze ; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I 
kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are 
goose ; I work for mi bread and roast goose ; hav a grey eye, 
and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog — this iz me. 
I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian 
Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job. 



A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 

DEAR Beigham :— 
Excuse this peripatetick letter. 
I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literatnro, 



4T8 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



and wnte letters in a rekless, hap-liazard way. I want 
harnessed young ennff tew be kind in all harness. 

If i had a boy now who had enny siraptoms ov enny kind 
ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn't seem 
tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, 
and who couldn't tell whare he waz last night till haff past 

two this Morning, and 
who couldn't recognize 
hiz own washer-woman, 
and who wanted tew go 
into bizzness fur him- 
self, at 16 years old, 
with a kapital ov two 
bottles ov Phalon's ex- 
trakt, and a mustash, 
that resembled the mold 
on a pound ov lime- 
berger cheese, I would 
say coniidenshally tu 
him: 

" Son, i hav ben tew 
blame thus far in frame- 
ing yure timber, but yu 
kan bet them pattent 
leather boots yu hav got 
on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter 
yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and 
sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and 
underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch. 
and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will 
not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew 
market." 

This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, 
and if he didn't begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov 
hiz bad dets, but begin tew Sirgy the pint with me. and ackt 
yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun 
iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, 
and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph tlian he waz. 




DIDN T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN. 



A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE. 479 

It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if 
Bum philanthrcpisst, about thirty yeai*s ago, had got mi knob 
in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched 
out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way t^w 
foUer a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny 
compass. 

This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, 
haz lauded four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, 
before they had got half way thru life, into sim:i soft swamp, 
and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifea on 
a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger 
daze, tew make •* * * phools ov themselfs. 

I kiio it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instntution ov 
a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew 
jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler 
'' amen " before the prayer iz liafE through ; but i feel it my 
duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their lite- 
ning. 

I don't want enny body's boy Billy tew be a ded hed ; a 
skim-milk cheeze ; a colporter of water gruel ; a putty babe- 
ling ; a kurl-papered nusseiy doll ; an apron-tied anatomy 
blonde ; a timid corpse amung hlz phellows, afraid ov a bug, 
and satisfied with a kitten. 

I ahi't voting for this breed ov boys ; i onl^^ask the virgin- 
ity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences 
ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz 
given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss ; not tew lead, but 
tew f oiler; not tew harvest, but tew plant. 

There iz no dagger in turning a snaik loose ; even before 
he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust 
wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a 
snaik from the word " go," and nothing else, and if he takes 
a noshun tew go tew the devil — who cares ? 

But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inherit- 
ance ov a camphene boy, i don't kno ov a more dangerous 
one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy. 

I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn't 



480 ANSWERS TO CORRESPOXDENTS. 

ketch, wIk) liav dodged him suckcessfullj for the whole or 
their hves, but i kan tell yoa, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew 
match yourselfs against the de\"il, even if a^ou hav a ded soft 
thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviv- 
ing the small pox, it may make yu proif agin sum more small 
pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents= 

Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew bo per' 
sonal, they wouldn't fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would 
fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin 
broke tew stand without tieing. 



SHOET EEPLYS. 



DEAK Alice. — I kno nothing about musik. 
I dont kno this tune from the other. 

I dont kno " Yankee doodle " from '' X ow I lay me on the 
grass," or " Mary had an infant sheep." 

I am nnkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to 
blame for it 

I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny ]>o<ldy kan make 
me kry if they are kareful. 

I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg. 

I hav shed menny a tear, ^vithout enny boddy knoing it, 
over some mothers catch, or simple lulaby. 

But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks. 

I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, 
and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them. 

Yu must git sum profi'essor ov musik tew answer yure let- 
ter, for i don't kno enny more about klassikal musik than 
i do about beins: a mother-in-law. 

Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend. 

I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down 
our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together. 

' It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, 
and i dont kuo az it duz tew luv musik. -^ * -^ * * » 



SHOr.T REPLYS. ^1 

Pensive Rebelcker. — I got yure letter bi mistake, for tlie 
letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow. 

I am only sorry on the other phellow's ackount, for ym-e 
deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may won-y 
him. 

It don't hurt ray pheelings tew be called a ''^ pokey dunce ^ 

1 never waz mutch ov a favourite, net even with miself, and 
often think i am what yu kail me, a '* strapping rrwnste^ry 

Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i 
luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before. 

Artless Jane. — In repli tew yure long letter, i will state 
promptly, 1 kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing 
yu, not if yu want tew hav him. 

Theze things are all regulated by the law ov sxt^pply and 
demand. 

If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on 
hand. 

I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze 
niatt<^rs, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, 
a litJe ov it goes a good ways. 

Tco mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the 
hanker for plain vittles. 

But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst 
enu5. 

Pretty Euth. — Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with 
yure pheelings, and fled. 

This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare 
kourting iz did in a kareless way. 

Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi 
lo jak. 

If you let yure opponent see 3'ure jak, he will be very apt 
ten swing and ketch it. 

Yu shouldn't let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, 
but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand. 

"We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, 
and prize it the most when we do git it. 



482 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, 
played in this way, and it wa7. well played too. 

The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held 
a jack, and a duce. 

The phellow swung for the jack with liis king, and kaught 
the duce, and then the gall ^wung with her jak, and kaught 
his 10 spot. 

Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway- 
lovers. 

Gay Betsey. — Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, 
remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever 
Jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, aitho they had the pick 
ov all the best provishuns in their day. 

But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from 
a shell, without spileing the effekt. 

It iz one ov them gimnastik feat5, that tliey should alwas 
praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum 
private pantry. 

I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or 
not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle 
rokft. 

They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are 
called muscles, they have no muskaler strength. 

They are also called '* bivalves " bi the unlearned, but this 
iz a vulgarism. 

The true name iz " good-bye valves," a term of affeckshun 
applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph 
from the haff shell 

If you will ponder mtx) history, az i hav, yu will find menn^^ 
sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum. 

Gif mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, 
she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, wlio hav got az 
mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper. 

A Bweet temper always grows brighter with age, while 
buty iz extra hazardous, and ppri^^lisble goods. 



WIMMINS RIGHTS. 



483 



I Deak Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins : 



Mil 
I received your kind letter on time, asking me t«w 

impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sun- 







dry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew 
vote, and liav offis, and do the same things that men do. 

I hav tlionglit over the thing industriously, and should be 
happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet, inenny 
cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and flnal suckcest. 



484: ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

I am in favour ov wimmin, and thev kan own me at enny 
moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter. 

I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust 
virtews. 

If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman's care and 
influence, at a time when i want worth saving. 

"Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do. 
But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a 
mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious 
tew commit, l)ut thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes. 
She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going 
on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yn hav heard 
w^hat the result waz. 

Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a 
power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if 
yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure 
grip entirely. 

"When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew 
wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stainps on 
the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare 
will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu 
there will be a bigger muss in the family. 

Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint 
hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu 
tew oflfer that yu are going tew vote right ? Yu hav more 
sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more 
prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more 
stubbomess. 

Thare iz more than liaff the votes hove now without judge- 
ment or influenced bi others. 

If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu 
propose ? 

I hav never saw yure platform. 

Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and 
whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting bosses, and pitching 
cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather 
boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ovmale iniquity, 
but wliat are vu ffoint]^ tu vote fori 



WIMMINS RIGHTS. 485 

Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jmy, and dispoze or 
tliem or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be 
vure best style ?— eight men and four wimmin locked up in 
a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure 
husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik 
is a going. 

Yu Avill hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll 
taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the 
road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing 
wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew 
show hiz superiorite tew yu. 

Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and 
thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, 
to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed 
with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just 
az like az not looze yure best wateifall in the mussness, jist 
think hov.- billyous this will be. 

Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how 
kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept 
patching pantaloons all the time ? 

Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making 
their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, 
while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a fa- 
vourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu 
hav him rekonstrukted. 

Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, 
every woman in the countr}', who haz got a husband thare, 
will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu 
will be acnsed ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, 
or hai*t. 

Suppoze yu liad a vote to day, dew yu know of enny 
woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried 
woman, like yureself ? 

Miss Jemim.a, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these 
thin^rs in mi mind, the more i think vu had better tuni vure 
attenshnn towards harvesting a good hustband, and making 
his house the enw ov the naberhood, bi the aentle, and 



4:86 ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew 
ju, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin conven- 
shuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a 
set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven't got enny repu- 
tashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what ;y^i hav 
got. 

If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an 
emest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the 
ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who 
ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon 
R sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az 
the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the 
pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a phel- 
ler, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the 
pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am 
yure man. 

But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the 
hour which sees yure sex, in this country, votei*s, will see the 
eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, 
between the coarse iustinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov 
the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the 
vestal keepers. 

Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz 
strong, it cams from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn't mean 
what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should 
hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted 
career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and 
other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power 
that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay 
in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, 
thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible. 

In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all 
that " Wirjunin's rights ^^ means, iz, more poioer^ and enny 
woman who would exchange a single article, in the '* magna- 
xiarta " which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the 
byelaws, constitushun, and power sough: for, in the ranting 
programme ov a " wimmins right convenshun," would be 
«wappiDg an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulafed privileo^ft. 



DOG TALK. 487 

^^ Barney ^^ — I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the 
Merchants' Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart 
ov milk for hiz tea. 

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made 
him stick out like a false caff. 

He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho 
it iz now 10 o'clock this morning. 

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and 
he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats. 

He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and 
broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in. 

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little 
boy's toe — to hiz shoe. 

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other 
vase agin, I'll bet. 

Thare goes the other vase, hi thunder ! all tew powder. 

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and 
in. 

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him 
went. 

He haz just found a poo^ little boy in the street, wliom he 
knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone 
round the next block, on a run, together, tew see snmthing. 

He don't seem tew cum back ! 

It iz now to-morrov>', and the tarrier don't seem tew cum 
back. 

My wife iz glad ov it. 

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nn milk, and one tarrier. 

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him 
tew immediate soak in the cistern at oust. 

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wirnmin that don't make 
enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn't send me 
enny more tarrier. 

" Fred.'*'' — Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma 
go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and 
sale in ; it iz proper enuff tu ask lier tu take yure arm, but yu 
haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu 



488 



A?:SWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 



meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take 

jure arm avrav, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.. 

" &nyde'rP — Eats originally cum from Norway, and i wish 

they had origin- 
ally staid thare. 
They are about 
as uncalled for as 
a pain in the 
small ov the 
back. They kan 
be domestikated 
dreadful e a z y , 
that is, as far as 
gitting in cup- 
boards, and eat- 
ing cheese, and 
knawing pie, is 
concerned. 

The best way 
tew doniestikate 
them that e^er I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a 
steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate ad- 
vantage. 

Eats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav 
a mind to. 

Pisen is also good for rats ; it softens their whole moral 
naturs. 

Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and — who don't. 
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in 
Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't 
serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This 
shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Eats enliance 
in nuinbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One 
pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the 
rat lissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, 
he will begin tew hav rats, — tew turn oph. 
JStment—y^Q never funiish ortograiFs in less quantity than 




CORRESPONDENCE. 48^ 

bi he package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, 
but it dont strik us az being profitable nor aniuzing. We fur- 
nished a near and ^•ery dear fnend our oitugraff a few years 
ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the 
banks, and it kost us §275 tew get it back. Wc went out of 
the bizzncss then, and have not hankered for it sinse. 

Mauifebs destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal ; i 
hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri 
hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the 
shape ov poetry ; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a 
magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers : 

^^ Dear Sur : Yu may be a dam phule, but yu arenopoeck, 
Yures, in haste." 

Matty — It iz very natral that you should ask me in what 
manner you should reseave the proposal from 3'our lover. It 
iz sumthinor ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don't ouo-ht tew 
jump into the collar suddin, nor fiy back suddin, like abocky 
hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with 
an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After th» 
pop iz over, if 3'our luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think 
I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own 
course. 

Mlrakle : — Yu sa " yu kant understand the miralde ov the 
whale, that swallered Joner," I dont sei-pose that Joner, nor 
the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yn 
what Joner did while in the whale's sosiety ; but i kno vrhat 
a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on 
the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile 
for salvage^ or sold out his chanse. 



490 



SHORT, SUT SWEET. 



SHOET, BUT SWEET. 

HicKa/rd. — Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in Nat/rck 
history, I am perfektly at hum amung Leasts, bm'ds, and 
fishes. I kan tell wlii the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, 
and whi the rinosseross hasn't got but one tusk, and that on 
the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all 
theze kritters, from ;s.,s^-^l /O^H idV 

the genial muskee- "^f^ ^^^^T^^^^^l U 

ter and pensiv cock- Im \\\\\W///ff JKfc^i-«^^A^ n\ 

roach klean up tew 
the elephant, with. 
hiz trunk, and the 
lion, who hain't got 
enny trunk at all. 
You ask me about 
the zebra. The ze- 
bra iz a striped hoss, 
the wildesst thing in 
natral history ov hiz 
size, and az hard 
tew civilize az the 
hyena, and az use- 
less, when civilized, 
az the osstritch or the 
rattlesnaik. They 
don't inhabit the United States at large ; they may liv in 
Kanda, if they hav a mind to — I never hav been thare tew 
diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but 
they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain't nothing that kika 
for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except 
it iz an old-fashioned. Continental, revolushionary w^ar. Fourth 
or July musket. Put about 3 and a haS inches ov powdei 




ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 4!^ 

Into one ov tlieze old vetrans of 1776. ram it dci/n heavy, 
and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph witli a slo match, and 
1 had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tevr stand in the 
rear ov it. Tliare iz sum ov the oldest and Grossest ov theze 
muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, 
whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use 
whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus 
tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing 
else. They are like all other wild animals — fleet only for a short 
distance ; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew tliem, just 
az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun 
that an injun kan understand. 

Caroline, — Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and senti- 
mental, and luvly things. 

I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor. 
I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances. 
When i git hold ov an idee, i liav tew let it go out, into 
the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and 
barefooted, a sort ov vagrant. 

If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum 
folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i 
tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at 
it. 

I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew 
elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, 
original truth, i don't kare if it iz az humpbacked az a driun- 
udary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glitter- 
ing cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls 
tew nibble at. 

Benja7/iin. — Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed 
a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer. 
The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, difrs for 
apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve 
the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the 
south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair 
chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz 
roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves 



4ij2 SKOET. BUT SWEET. 

hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wea? 
greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for 
clover, piks hiz geese once in 24: hours tew keep them cool, 
and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and 
plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two 
pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pat tent kon- 
trivance to hiz cows tails in fli time. 

Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a prak- 
tikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred 
years ahed ov the time. 

I haven't mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now 
science and theory, and book larning will have so changed 
agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won't in- 
dulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively 
air, and the old rooster will dance tew the muoik in front ov 
the nest. 

Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have 
waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it 
cums. 

PrxLdence. — I received yure kind letter yesterday, and 
must admit that i kant answer yure question. 

I dorCt hio lohat a Dolly Varden iz. 

I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an im- 
mense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov 
their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Yarden, or knot, I 
<lont kno, and darsent ask. 

I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it 
thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo ! it aint 
thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, 
and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry 
Bassett. I have spoke tew marned men about it, (I am mar- 
ried too) and they say " hush,'^ and pass on in a grate hurry, 
and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got 
up expressly to Bear the market. 

Pnidence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly 
Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more 
nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about 
It ailready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness. 



AlfSWERS TO COKliESPONDEXTS *^^ 

Picayv/iie. — The sucker iz not a game phisb, the very 
name indicates that. 

Thev won't bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, 
emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill 
ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country. 

They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew keteh 
heir breth in it. 

They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general 
intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob. 

They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az 
mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, 
by moonlite, with a three-tined fork. 

Howard. — Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents 
karefully weighed, and I find that they don't weigh heavy. 

In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the Xorth Pole haz not 
bin found out yet. 

Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the 
kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov 
wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood 
it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal 
histor}^ will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az 
the Pole iz got. 

In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be 
polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall's 
guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders. 

Caroline. — Yu ask us, '' Which iz worth the most tew a 
woman, buty, or modesty." 

For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, 
for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty. 

Modesty ne\'er grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat 
kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day. 

We konsider buty one ov the best koUatterals that a woman 
kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she 
aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance 
policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums. 

Buty alone wont loear well, and thare iz a grate deal of it 
now daze that wont -^cash at all and kesD its color. 



494 



JOSH REPLIES. 

JOSH EEPLIES. 



" ThomasP — " Jordan is a hard road to travel," i kant tel! 
you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cii8 
probably, who waz too lazy to keep a boss and waggon, or 
else a hotel darkey 
carryin' trunks all day. :^®^^lfflWf]l!ilii 11 1 ! i \11 i :iH 

''Ferdin ari^."— 'Man 
wants but little here 
belo, nor wants that 
little long," iz a libel, 
man wants evrything 
he kan see, or hear ov, 
and never is willing to 
let go ov hiz grab. 
Whenever yu find a 
man who iz thoroughly 
satisfied with what he 
has got, yu will find 
either an ideot, or one 
who haz tried to git 
more and couldn't do it. 

The older a man 
grows, the more want- ^ hard road to trabble, 

f q1 he bekums, and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a 
dollar grows gi'ippv- 

^'HerodP — He that puts a small value on hiz services, 
issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a 
request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu 
expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty 
in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it, we 
mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will oft^n see 
little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but 
you don't see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in 
the hornet's tail iz what makes him respektable. 

" MitXerP — Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude 
i.^ one or them crimes that evry boddj sticks up their noze 




ANSWERS TO COlniEt^PO^"DE:sTS. 49^5 

at, it is the woi^t insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man 
drop down Mo the level ov the dam brutes, for the yellow- 
est, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yii 
throw him but a burnt crust. What an awfnl thought it iz, 
that ingratitude iz the common sin against God. 

'-^ Matilda^ — Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babvs are 
learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but tliey dont understand 
the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without know- 
ing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs 
most natural noshuns. I kant tell yi: whether thare is enny 
pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. 
Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and liang on, but 
it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in 
single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the 
patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a 
kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two 
pretty big words, but worth the munny. 

I haven't dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an ama- 
teur natur.) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, 
that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, 
i remember fresh, that kind didn't hav enny mathematicks 
in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion. 

Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew by- 
standers, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, 
az uncalled-for. 

" Warwick^'' — " He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew 
the Lord," if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu 
wouldn't hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remarlv. 

Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az itiz a duty, and lend- 
ing to the Lord, iz undoubtedsecurity, for enny man's munny. 

He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, 
and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal 
az the crows settle a ded boss, by pitching into the rem.ains. 

Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but 
whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 
cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers. 

" G'ddddr — Yure juicy letter haz questions enufftew make 



496 JOSH AND THE COMMITTE MAN. 

a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, 
vu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak. 

Who the author ov the saying, " the good die yung," waz, 
i don't care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, theyunger 
a man kan die the better ; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded 
sure thing. 

Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan 
live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv 
over Sunday with me. 

''AleV'—Yw kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny 
more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently 
like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav of ten bin known, 
tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye 
open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear 
well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at 
last. 

'' Hannihair — Giving presents, with the hope of receiving 
presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or 
receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin 
fikimd. 

" Mercury.''- — " Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness," 
waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few 
men, who hav lived yet, who waz pureenuff, tew monopolize 
a woods, without enny com.pany but his soul, and the God who 
made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking 
that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude 
is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place 
tliat a wicked man kanL.liv in. Even wild beasts dont like 
golitude, and luv tew^ see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, 
in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, 
would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a boss thiel 



ANSWERS TO COliKESPON DENTS. 4«? 



JOSH BILLINGS COKKESPOXDS WITH A '^HAIR 
OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN." 

Dear Doktor Hirsute : — I reseaved a tin cup ov yure " Hair 
purswader," also a bottle ov jure Salvashun Bitters," bi 
express, for which, I express my thanks. 

The greenbak, which ju enklozed waz the kind ov pur- 
swader that we ov the press fully understand. 

Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az 
soon az i kan find a spare time. 

I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, 
this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az 
a bosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew 
cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, 'tis really wonderfal ! 'tis 
almoste Eureka ! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi 
cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar 
me ! if I don't hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before 
I can walk out with it. 

I hav a verry fa\Tite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian 
breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained 
yet, she shows grate signs ov speed. 

I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the 
floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally 
repozes. 

The consequents waz, sum ov the " purswader " got onto 
the hair ov the cat's tale. 

When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov 
her tale, wliich had growed tew an exalted size ; taking one 



495 



CORRESPONDENCE. 



more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! 
sich running ; across the yard ! over the fence I up wun side 
ov an apple tree ! and down the other ! out into the fields, 



^;:::^^!^^±^^x 




a\vay ! away ! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty 
mutch awl tale. 

1 wouldn't hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old 

tale on her. 

In a lu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write 



ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 499 

up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which wili make the 
hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it. 

Dear Dokter, the fact iz, " sum men are born grate, sum 
men git grate after they are bom, and sum men hav grate- 
ncfes hove upon them." 

Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one. 

Yu are a kind ov vegetable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, 
and elderberry. 

It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your " Salvashun 
Bitters " a ^' vegatabel tonicks," although, old r^'eaint one ov 
the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks. 

The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you 
kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peo- 
pel will luv you. 

Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just 
now, as a ve2:atal>el bitter. 

Sass^'frass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an 
alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but 
what I oh tell me what ! yee whispring winds, what ! are 
all these without whiskee. 

Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that 
will tonick a man up. 

Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Eum, and 
sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az 
'* Hirsute's Salvashun Bitters," sold respektably bi awl drug- 
gists, far and near. 

Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, 
and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and 
plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will 
have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis. 

P. S. — Let me advize yu az a fi-iend ; if it iz indispensible 
ne^^essary tew cheat a little, in the maniifakter ov the " Sal- 
vashun Bitters," let it by awl means be in the rutee, dont 
lower the basis. 

Yures quietly, 

Josh Biules'gs. 



MC 



KARACTER. 




THE GASSY MAN. 

The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort 
uv hi-presbure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubles and 
foam, whenever he opens hiz mouth. 

Theze quacks in the small beer line, hav but phew branes, 
but their branes are like yeast, they kant rize without run- 
ning over every thing. 

I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a hal^ 
:ind never offer one good reazon in the whole time. 

They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel 



VARIETY. 5r;i 

tew just about az mutch purpose az a boj *s wind mill duz, 
in the. teeth ov a stiff nor wester. 

They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav jit bin 
discovered, and thhik, bekaiize people kant eskape their furios 
effervescence, thev are pleazed and convinced. 

I never knu one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought 
Soloman waz almost an ideot komj)ared tew them, and I 
never knu one to ever diskover hiz mistake. 

Yu mite az well undertake tew git the pride oui ov a 
pekocks tail, hi lalling at it, az to convinse theze phellows 
that what they say aint either wit or wisdum. 

The gassy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart, 
he iz often az good natured az he is phoolish, but hiz friend- 
ship aint worth mutch more tew yu than the luv ov a lost 
pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat 
him on the back. 

THE SHAEP ISIAN. 

The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but 
he iz just az diffrent from a wize one az he iz from an hon- 
est one. 

He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckcess, and this iz the 
next thing to being a rogue. 

The sharp man iz like a razor — generftlly too sharp for 
enny thing but a shave. 

Theze men are not tew be trusted — they are so constituted 
that they must cheat snmboddy, and, rather than be idle or 
lose a good job, they will pitch onto their best friends. 

They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the bor- 
ders ov criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny 
time. 

It iz but a step from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a 
step that iz alwuss inviting to take. 

Sharp men hav but phew friends, and seldum a konfident. 
They hav learnt tew fear treachery by studying their own 
naturs. 

They are alwuss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap of 
sharp watching. 



502 KARACTER. 

The sharp man iz a.wuss a vain one. He pridCvS himself 
upon his cunning, and had rather do a shrewd thing tlian a 
kind one. 

THE LAZY MAN. 

lN"ext tew the weak man the lazy man iz the wust one i 
kno ov, without necessarily being a viscious one. 

He iz too indolent tew praktiss hiz viitews, if he haz got 
enny, and therefore iz konstantly open tew vice, which iz 
haff-brother tew lazyness. 

It iz hard work tew phind lazyness and virtew mixt, but 
thare iz sitch a thing. 

Indolence iz one ov the wust mildews i kno ov — it iz the 
grate leak that haz let thousands ov men drizzle away. 

Lazyness iz not positively <i crime, but they look and akt 
wonderphully alike. 

Lazyness iz not oniamentAl even tew an old man, but tew 
a yung one it iz a shining disgrase. 

I hav seen lazy men that i thought waz innocent, but i 
never felt like warrenting one ov them for more than 90 
daze. 

THE isERvors :man. 

One ov the most unkumfortable kritters in this world iz 
the Tiervus man. He discounts all hiz griefs, and suffers 
more from trubbles that never happen, than enny boddy else 
duz from trubbles that do cum. 

Hiz ears are like a rabbits, always on end for sum disaster, 
and hiz nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov 
the east wind. 

He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down 
like a kat in f runt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring. 

Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy 
without satisfacshun. 

The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though hiz nerves 
are alwus strung, he lasts like an old phiddle. 

Altho i kant help but pitty the nervus man i am aware 



V.IKIETY. 503 

tliat lie liaz moments ov plezzure that ai-e equal tew whole 
hours, they are so intensified. 

Whatever he duz enjoy he enjoys the whole ov, passing 
the bounds ov reality, he revels in the illimitable fields ov 
iuiaa'inashun and fancv. 

I think I would rather have more nerves than i could 
manage than not tew hav enny, and mope on thru life az 
suui men do, with nothing about me so exeiteable az mi relish 
for pork and beans. 

THE DIGXIFIED MAX. 

It iz often the kase that the dignified man iz nothing more 
than an owl amung humans. 

He dont alwus kno but little, but when he duz he haz tew 
be kareful ov that little and look wize even if he dont prove 
tew be so. 

One good hoss laff would spile him for life ; if he lets go 
ov hiz dignity, hiz kapital iz all gone and he iz ruined for- 
ever. 

The dignified man that i am talking about, never takes 
enny chances, he weighs every word before it iz uttered, and 
meazzures every ackshun before it iz expressed, and iz gener- 
ally az free from blunders, or hits, az a tud stool iz. If he 
ever duz kik up and frolik he iz like the elastik elephant, and 
gay and kussid like the hippopotamus or wild sea hoss. 

Dignity iz often substituted for wisdum, and iz quite often 
mistaken for it, but thare iz az mutch diifrenee between them 
az thare iz between a puter 10 cent piece and a genuine hafi 
dollar. 

I decided long ago not tew giv enny man kredit for being 
wize, just bekauze he wouldn't bend Liz back or lafF when he 
had a right tew be tickled. 

Sum ov the most suckcessfull phools i liav ever met were 
az grave az a kut stone, and most all the truly wize that i 
hav had the honor tew be introduced to, were alwuss a hunt- 
ing for a good place tew roll on the gi*ass. 

Extreme gravity, in mi lexicon, stands for an extremif 
phool. 



504 



KARACTER. 



THE WEAK MAX. 

A weak man wants just about az mutch watching az a 
bad one, and haz dun just about as mutch damage in the 
world. 

He iz every boddy's fi'iend, and tharefore he iz no ones, 
and what he iz a going tew do next iz az unknown tew him 
as tew others. 

He haint got ennj more backbone than an angleworm haz, 
and wiggles in and wiggles out ov every thing. 

He will talk to-day like a wize man, and to-morrow like a 
phool, on the same subjekt. 

He alwuss sez "let;," wlien ne should say "Xo," and 
staggers thru life like a drunken man. 

Heaven save us from the weak man, whoze deseptions hav 
no fraud in them, and whoze friendships are the wnss 
desighns he kan hav on us. 




JOSH BILLINGS HATING FIKISHKD HIS BOOK, MEDITATES SUICIDE, BTTT IS A LTTTLB 
UNCERTAIN AS TO THE MODE. 



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