Black diamonds, or, Humor, satire, and sentiment, treated scientifically by professor Julius Cæsar Hannibal : in a series of burlesque lectures, darkly colored

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FUND GIVEN IN 1891 BY

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Cornell University Library
PS 2245.L66B6 1855

Black diamonds or. Humor, satire, and s

3 1924 022 195 279

Cornell University
Library

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http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924022195279

The Professor in his L^bor-tory.

%A-^M

OF THE M

KISW Y®BK PD©^Y(i!]KlS =

BLACK DIAMOIDS;

SB,

f umor, Satire anb Sentiment,

^EEATED BCTENTIFICAT.T.Y

BT

PROFESSOR JULIUS CilSAR HANNIBAL.

f£>v^>^, i^. H.J
ra

A SERIES m BURLESPS LECTURES,
DAEKLY COLORED.

OaiQEfALLT njBLISHED IN "THE NEW YORK PICAYUNB."

NEW YOEK:
T. L. MAGAGNOS, '
ASTOK PUBLISHING HOUSE,

BROADWAY.
1855.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1855, by

T. L. MAGAGNOS,

In the Clerk's OfBce for the District Court of the Southern District of New York.

W. H TINSON,
BTBREOTTPBB,
24 Beekmoii St>

TO MT FKIEin),

LOUIS GATLORD CLARK,

EDITOR O; THE EKICEERB OCEGR MiLGAZINE,

Who is among the first to discover, appreciate and applaud
Genuine Humor,

This Voltime is B/espectfuUy Dedicated, by

THE ATJTHOE.

PREFACE

The old excuse, the " earnest solicitation of friends " to have the
Lectoees of Peoi'essoe Haxnibal preserved in permanent form
for future laughter, might be plead in extenuation for daring to
inflict them upon the public in book form. But the author does not
wish to avail himself of such excuse, and at once frankly confesses
that the reason for thus collating them was, that he might sell
them, and that the proceeds might be devoted to the novel purpose
of supporting his family.

The Lectures may be found very unequal in point of merit (if
they have any), but let it be remembered that they were written
upon a bed of pain, when the brain was slow to work, and the
muscles had struck all together. When the simplest movement was
intense agony ; when night brought with it no sleep, and the reme-
dies of the physician insignificant relief. In all of the Lectures,
however, the author has attempted hits at the prevailing follies of
the time, and to draw u, moral therefrom ; and if some of the
itinerant lecturers of the day should find themselves satirized, none
will stop to weep.

" A little nonsense now and then,
Is relished by the wisest men."

If this be true, he may hope to brush away the cobwebs of caie
froin the brow of the most learned, and carry smiles into the homes
of all classes. If they are found to lighten the heart of the burden
of life, and drive dull care from the weary, it is all that can be
expected by

THE AUTHOE.

(HiniitjntB.

tECICBB PAGll

I. Introduction 13

II. New Year's Night Disturbance 16

III. Woolly , . 19

IV. Haiiy 22

V. Oily 25

VI. Indignation 28

VII. Horny 32

viii. Sykesy Taking the Butt 3S

IX. The Ball Frog 38

X. The New Road 40

XI. The World as it is 43

XII. Facetious 46

XIII. The Camel 49

XIV. The Fall of Man -.51

I

XV. French Without a Master ...... 64

XVI. Spiritual Rappers . . . . . . . .56

XVII. A New Recipe for Making Gas ..... 59
XVIII. Geography 62

XIX. Long Ears 65

XX. Matrimony 68

XXI. Truth in Poetry 72

XXII. Anatomy . ........ 76

VI CONTENTS. <lfc.

PAOE
LECTURE

79

XXIII. Astronomy .

83

XXIV. About the Muskeeto Kingdom '..•••

XXV. De Buck .

88
XXVI. Deep Reflections . . ">

xxvii. Dogmatic .

XXVIII. The Vampire

XXIX. Joan D'Aro

99

XXX. Morning Walks ....•••■ ^^^

XXXI. Altering the Scriptures ...••• lOo

XXXII. Nuts for Bostonians to Crack 1" '

XXXIII. Something for New Yorkers H-l

XXXIV. Darkies in the White House 114

XXXV. Independence Day .....•• 117

XXXVI. The Elephant 121

XXXVII. The Hog 124

XXXVIII. The Bat 127

XXXIX. The Crocodile 129

XL. The B/hinoceros , 132

XLI. What we all Want 134

xLii. Vi&it to the President 137

xLiii. Phrenology ........ 140

xLiv. Mesmerism ........ 144

XLv. On Providence . . . . . _ . . . 147

xLvi. On Love 150

XLvii. Future Punishment ....... 154

XLViii. Acquired Habits , . 1,57

xLix. Slippery ......... 160

L,. The Booster - 163

LI. Long Island Mu.sings jgg

Lii. Blunders in Hunting . . . . . , .169

Liii. First Love ......... 174

CONTENTS. VU

LBCTUBB PAOa

Liv. Will Travel Cure Love ? 179

Lv. Grand Reception in Boston 182

Lvi. Wise Conclusions . 185

Lvii. The Indian Summer ....... 188

Lviii. On Gen. Scott 192

Lix. Morality 195

Lx. Quackery 198

Lxi. Eook-Keeping . 202

Lxu. A Darkey Wedding Almost 205

I.XIII. Political Eeflections 208

LXiv. Following the Fashions 211

LJcv. How it's Often Done 216

Lxvi. Woman's Rights ' 219

Livii. The Result of Diligence 222

Lxviii. The Fellow that Does all the Mischief . . . 225

Lxix. The Slanderer 227

Lxx. Early Settlement of New York 230

I2XI. On Japan 233

Lxxn. A Long Disputed Point Fully Settled . . .236

Lxxni. All Signs Fail 239

Lxxiv. 'Displays Vast Learning 243

Lxxv. Deceptions 245

Lxxvi. A Trip to Washington 248

Lxxvii. Old Times and New 251

ucxviii. Some Account of Jersey ...... 254

Lxxix. Spring Time 257

Lxxx. First of May in New York. 260

Lxxxi. Ahsent Minded 264

Lxxxii. Flat Truths 267

Lxxxiii. Jnleous' Idia of the Hippodrome .... 270

ufxxiv. Summer Morning Musings 274

Viil COMTEM'-'. ^

rxaB

LBCTDBS

. 278
Lxxxv. Lying .....•••

Lxxxvi. Labor in Vain * '

Lxxxvii. Hypooracy Rebulced ...•*'

287
Professor Hannibal Spirited Away . • • *

291
Lxxxviii. Adventure at the Crystal Palace . . • •

ucxxix. On Shakspeare .....•■

xc. Politicians • ■ ^"°

xci. "Woman 300

xcii. About the Old Enemy 304

xcm. The Lobster 309

xciv. The Monkey 313

xov. Pompey's Wedding 316

xcvi. A Hard Subject 320

xcvii. The Flea 323

xcviii. Uefleotions on Politics 327

Highly Important Announcement • • . • 331

xcix. The Resolution ....... 335

The Professor Goes to Europe ....... 339

First Epistol from 'Urope ........ 341

Second Epistol from 'TJropa ....... 345

Third Epistol from 'Urope 349

Fourth Epistol from 'Urope ....... 353

Fifth Epistol from 'Urope ........ 357

Sixth Epistol from 'Urope sgi

ProfesBor before his audience.

inSTTRODUOTIOIS^.

LECTURE I.

Fellek Sitizans: .

I HAB come, as you all know, from 'way down
in Ole Warginna, whar I studded edicashun and siance
all for mysef, to gib a corse of lectures on siance gine-
raly, an events promiscuously, as dey from time to time
occur. De lettter ob invite I receibed from de komitee from
dis unlitened city, was as full ob flattery as a gemman ob
my great desernment, edication, definement, and research
could wish.

I 'greed to deliber my fust discourse dis ebening, but de
fattig ob trablin in de kars hab jolted all de ideas out ob
me, notwistandin' de kornductors was -berysibil to me, an
mity perlite to Sister Bartolemevs^, wbo'trabeled under my
'tection all de way. Dey gib us fliss rate kar, an on de
teamboat dey gib us fuss rate bed — sep'rate, ob korse.

What you all snikerin 'bout? — don't you noe dat to laff
rite out in meetiu am wulgar ? but I spose you don't noe
no better. It am all owin to de brougtens up of de chile. /
You got nobody dat noes notin to tell you notin.

You will find de words o' my text'in de lass claws ob de
ninety-furst chapter of de Pilgrim's Progress, whar it says —

An* Simon said unto Peter, Let not dy conscience be made ob injin rubber, test
It Btruch dy sole into dat lake which BQrns wid fier an' brinutone, kian pepper an*
usefedity.

14 BLACK DIAMONDS.

You must not spose, in de fust place, dat de Simon an'
Peter 'luded to in de text was de Simon an' Peter wat libed
in de time when Jerusa-lam was a little willage, an' when de
possle Noah wore swaddlin clothes, kase it wasn't he at all.
It was Simon Smock talkin' to he son Peter, when he lebe
he fadder's manshun, in Tater-pelin alley, one mornin' on a
c'arryin' in wood speckilation. Now Pete was a bad feller,
an' would lie, and take tings 'casionally wich didn't 'long to
him, an' de same 'wich may 'ply to you all, derefor I warn
you get de tex by hart.

y Dere am a grate many men in dis comunity dat hab injin
rubber consciences, an' de most prominent ob de class am
considered de lawyer — next de showman, and den de doc-
torman. De lawyer's conscience will 'low him to struch it
furder dan de rest, an' some ob dem hab nearly broke it in
too by continual stretchin. One ob dese days, snap it will
go, and den good Mr. Lawyerman, 'way he go to de lake
dat burn wid all dem 'grediances 'splained in de text. Dis
lake, my fritened hearers, must be a mighty big one to hold
all de lawyers, if nobody else in de world but lawyers go
dere, kase dere am seberal lawyers to ebery inhabitant
troughout de State. Whar dis lake am sitewated am a
puzzler to me, an' all succeeding stronimers dat hab libed
afore my time. But I find, by what I can glean, arter .
burnin' seberal quantities of midnight oil in deep and labo-
rus resarch, dat it must be nie de gulf whar de walcanoes
mountanes am, else whar de debel do de walcanoes get up
sich a fire from ? Why, de cat-a-kize sez dat de 'rumptions
ob Mount Wociferous can be heard fur seberal days, fur
several miles off, previus before de fire fly, an' previously
arterwards. Now, do you wish to noe, you poor tremblino'
sinners, wat noise dat am dats heard 'seeding from de
mount ? Well, I'll tell yer. It am de gTOnes, de lamonta-

INTRODUCTION. 15

shuns, and de smashing ob teeth ob de wicked peoples who
hab let their consciences strnch like injin rubber.

Dis lake, my friends, am sebrel hundred miles in sarcum-
ference, an' 'bout half dat distance round de edges. It am
a hundred miles perpendicularly measured, an' no bottom
hab been found to it yet, dat we nose on. De Rochester
knockin' spirits didn't come from dis place, else we find out
all 'bout it. Dere was some wicked sailors got so nie to de
top of de mountain where de 'ruption comes from once, dat
next day dey found demsefifs broke out wid a 'ruption all
ober dere/bodigs, which de dockter struched him conscience
'fishently to pronounce de measels, and he condemd the
whole proceedings as bein' rash. Dis drefull place am for
bad colored man, as well as bad wite man, an' no matter
how much you 'spize de moon-truck tribe on dis eart, you
got to mix up wid dem in dat warm climate, an' no doubt
many in dis extremely southern climate wiltbe found to hab
northern principles. An' ole Simon noein dis fact, he spake
outto de boy Pete to warn him from de greezy road ob sin,
and pint him out de rite paff to kingdom cum.

, An' now, let me tell you dat a man who possesses an injin ^
rubber conscience, and libs only to skin him brudder out ob
him eye teeth, can neber be happy in dis world nor in euny
Oder country; his sinful follies will fall on him own head,
like a siege hammer on a carpet tack, and sooner or later he
get smashed, like rotten egg in egg nog time. De more you
tuist and turn dis fac, de bigger it git, gis like snow-ball.

While Brudder 'Rastus Putts passes round de hat, de
congregashun will please sing de useal Ducksholiday to de
same good ole tune.

16 BIJVCK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE 11.

NEW year's night DISTURBANCE.

My B'lubbed Lams :

I IS almoss 'shamed ob myseff for 'pearin' afore you
in de shape ob de 'pology ; but I better 'pear in dat shape
dan in the shape of Satin. De fack am, I am so corn-
founded and cornfused sens New Year's day, dat I don't
noe wedder my hed am a bee hive or a saw mill, for I hear
one minuet de bees in one ear, an' de nex I hear a saw mill
in de odder, an' I ain't been able to git up a ginewine lectur
dis time. I'll tcft yon how all dis happen. I made frequent
calls on New Year's day, as moss of ob you noe, an' I was
berry 'tickler not to 'tempt to karry more den my strength
would 'low, kase I seed at ebbery corner men wid bildin'
terials in dere hat, so I keep my top eye open. Well, in jie
ebenin' I met de kummitty dat presented me wid my new
year's, at Anty Clawson's seller, as 'prebeously before 'greed
'pon, and dey gub me de trowsers an' seckon'-han' boots, an'
de ober-cote an' Hungagarian's hat, as I 'luded to you lass
week, ah' arter de spechefyin' we had a little colission ob
clam soup an' hot stuff. Well, de hot stuff was berry nice
an' sweet, an' I foun' out arterwards mitey strong, an' by de
time I drink a pint, my hed snap an' crack like a country
tavern's swingin' sine in a nor'-easter, an' den I felt in a per-
iec state ob happiness. Arter a little I rose to go hum to
my wartus bed, but Brudder Libberlip an' Anty Clawson
seduced me to stay all nite, kase you all noe it war a berry

NEW year's NIUHT DISTURBANCE. 17

bad nite for peeple ob my age to be out. Welly I went to
. bed dar, an' got asleep, but it didn't lass long, for de fast
ting I node I hear a feller singin' to Mary dat lib up stares
I speck, dat he war a settin' on the style whar dey set side
by side. By golly, tinks I, you got a cold burth ef you set
dar long, an' it wasn't a minnet afore de same feller assured
me dat he wouldn't go hum till mornin' — till daylite did ap-
pear. Well den, sez I, stay out j who de doose cars ? oney
don't bodder me. Agin I dosed, when sum young bloods
come to de winder, and brag'd 'bout dere bettin dere money
on a bobtail nag, an' dat sum body bet on de gray. I node
it wasn't me dat bet on de gray, kase I nebber hab money
'nuff to bet, an' I dont noe nofin 'bout lioss racin', an' I was
gwane to git up to tell dem so, when I hear a woice cross
de treet 'nounce, in a loud ke^, dat Ole Dan Tucker had
come to town, an' was a W3.1kih' de treets 'round. Well,
dat make me mad, to tink a pusson muss be woke up in de
nite time to be told dat Dan Tucker cum to town, when
we'd all seen it in de Herald in de mornin', if Daniel was
worth rioticin'. I was gis gwyne to ti'ow my boot at him,
when some kuller'd man near by kummenced beggin' people
to carry him along. He wanted to be carried " down to de
berryin' groun'," an' tote he massa not to cry. Dat made
me feel bad, till -I hear de same feller tell his Susanna dat
he cum all de way from Alabama wid a banjo on his nee,
an' beg her not to cry for him. I was wrothy den. I felt
boun' to get up an' lam dat chap; but my 'tention was 'rested
by a chap rite by de winder, tellin' me in- a rfornfedenshul
tone dat Nelly was a lady, but dat she died the night afore,
an' he wanted all de bells toled for he dark Wargina bride,
an' he had just poured his sorrow in my ear when a pate-
rotic young Dutchman, 'bout two houses oflf, 'formed de
sleepin' world dat de star spangled bang-danger did wabe

18 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ober de hum of the grabe. Well, den,- 1 tink ebbery body
must go mad, an' I turned ober to try go to sleep, when a
party ob 'bout a dnzen cum rite in front ob de dors, an'
sung out togedder, " Wake up, Mose, de fire am burnin'
rouu' de corner ; de ingine comin." Oh, tinks I, dey hab
mistook de house; so I got up an' opened de dore, an' stuck
my hed up, an' tole dem to go long wid dere noise, dat Mose
didn't lib dar, an' dat it muss be in the nex treet. Well,
wood you b'lebe it, as soon as dey see me, one feller hcller'd,
" Hillo! here's ole Juhus Ceaser Hannabel. Let's crown him
King of de Darkeys," an' dey went to to the curb stone an
picked up a barrel dat was a sittin' dar haff full ob ashes,
an' put it rite ober my head. I holler'd " Murder " an'
" Fire," but my hed bein in the barrel, nobody hear me but
Anty Clawson, who got up an' exagerated me from my pe-
rulus siterwashun, ob bein smudder'd in de ashes. When I
cum'd out I felt bad ; my eyes, nose, an' mouf was full, an'
when I blow'd em out, an' dey got so I cood see, dere stood
Anty Clawson in her nite gown^ an' dere was I wid oney my
linin to cubber me. I felt mity streeked an' dusty, but I
shook off de moss ob it, an' went to b^d. When I fust
looked out ob de cellar, to tell the lofers to go 'way, I seed
a poleeceman on de corner, but as soon as he seed a row he
skulked down a airy till it was all ober. Well, den I git a
little nap, an' when I wake up I found I hadn't sleep'd none
all nite, an' my hed felt as big as a new recruit on his fuss
parade day; an' I aint got clar ober it yet. Some ob my
'ponents want to try to 'sinewate dat I was drunk ■ but de
fuss brudder or sister dat 'siniwate dat fack will get red out
ob de meetin'. I do b'lebe dere^was eder rum or camfene
in dat hot stuff, or sumfin else dat make your hed feel as if
it was a hangin' by de hair unconnected wid de shoulders
altogedder.

•WOOLLY. 19

De moral of my discord to-nite will be found in de lass
claws. Don't drink much hot stuff, ef it be eber so sweet.

I hope my 'pology am 'scepted, an' nex week I'll perpe-
trate somefin' dat'll be a libin' monument to de siantifick
institute.

De coUecshun dis ebenin' will be for cole an' lites, and for
to bye your poorly surported lecturer anudder shurt, kase
de nasty ashes spile de only one I hadv

Brudder Gustus Arlington Snubs will please pass roun'
de sasser, an' be careful to gib back no change.

LECTURE III.

WOOLLY.

My Steem'd Pken's :

Habin' sumwat 'cubberd ^from de 'fecks ob dat hot
stuff dat de kommitte made for me at Anty Olawson's on
New Tear's nite, and also likewise from de 'fecks ob de ash
barrel dat de rowdies put on my hed, I begin my lecturs on
siantific subjecks, an' de fuss ting I shall call your 'tention
am to de beaufuU cretur none as

DE SHEEP.

De lubly anamile spoken ob in de tex am konsidered won
ob de moss inosent an' abused fellers seen in de spellin' book.
He am a full bluded wully hed, an' allers sticks to he party.
In fack, you seldom see dem separated de one from de odder,
for de poet sez dat —

20 BLACK DIAriONHa.

" Sheepa ob a wool
All flock to one skool."
•
An' dat's a fack, for I nebber seed eny class ob de kommu-
nity stick togedder so klose as dese fellers, not eben de
Quackers or de Jews, an' dey allers follow dere leeders wid
de same blind dewotion dat de polytishuns do dere different
leeders, an' to 'splain dis 'kuliarity, I'll tell yon leetle anick-
dote dat happen'd to ockur to me long time ago. One day,
when I was younger den I am now, an' lib'd on my good ole
massa's plantashan, afore de great le,bler Deff kum 'long an'
karrid him off to de berrin' ground. I war a gwane to hoe
korn in de feeld, an' I trow'd my hoe ober my sholder, an'
started. In gettin' to de korn feeld I had to cross a paster
lot whar a hole flock ob sheep war a grazin'. When 1
jumped ober de fence dey set up a terable blattin', dat
sound like a kamp meetin', an' dey all run to de odder side ob
de lot, jis whar I war a gwane. Well, de sun had. got up a
good while afore brexfuss dat moriiin', an' he make my shad-
der on de groan' look twice as big as me, an' my hoe handel's
shadder look long as a well sweep. Well, when dese foolish
sheep seed me a kumin' towards 'em, de ole he ram rushed
pass'd me, an' when he kum to de shadder ob de hoe handel
he jumped four feet high to get ober it, an' ef ebery sheep
in de hole flock warn't fool enuf to do de same ting, I hope
I may neber hab my sallery raised to a libin' pint. I laff'd
tull I swet like race boss to see do sheep jump, and den I
tort dat dar am odder fools in dis world 'sides dem, dat mis-
take de shadder for de substance, ebery day.

De oldest ram am ginerly de leader ob de flock, an' he
allers look in de face like a man newly shabed and powdered.
You will noe Mr. Ram by his horn : aldo, he cannot conwe-
nantly blow it. He wares it more for ornament den use.

- WOOLLY. 21

He moss allers hab too, an' dey am sitewated on de hed, jis
like dey am on a good many odder sheeps' heds, found 'mong
mankind. Sumtimes de ole ram gits in a fite wid anudder
ole he feller, an' den he uses his horns to sum purpose, a
bnttin' his antygonist. Dar horns am allers as crooked as a
sate at law, an' sumtimes it happen dat dey git so dubble an'
Iribley corkscrewed togedder dat it take dem a hole day to
get out ob tangle.

Notwidstanin' de sheeps am sich a inosent set ob creturs,
dey am one ob de moss useful to be foun' in de hole book,
an' aldo dey don't noe much, what, I ax you, kood we 'speck
from a sheep's hed ? Dey ain't ob much use while libin',
'ceptin for dar wool, which am used to make flannel shirts for
de African childern on de kost ob Siberia, an' dey am more
lucky den moss odder people, kase dey only git fleeced once a
year, while I an' meny odders git fleeced ebery day.

De lam am de puttyest kind ob sheep, an' eberybody lub
to see dem play, as ef dey war kittens on de grass. la
anshunt times, afore de City Hall was bilt, dey used to offer
dese lams as- a sacrifice 'mong de hedens ; an' ef yre am to
belibe de butchers, lam am oflFer'd at de same rates now. De
sheep, -like de poet, de hog, an' de foolosefer, am more
appreciated arter .dey are ded den while in a libin' state,
kase den dey am konwerted into sheep, lam, an' mutton.
Dis latter dish am seldom foun' in boredin houses, kase de
lanladies allers call it lam, if it am as ole an' rank as ded
dog.

Dere am no use ob my gibin' you a 'skription ob de sheep,
kase you all noe him like a book. De only ting I will 'fur to
am his tail, which am ob no more use to him den a pump
handle. He don't need one, an' darfer he neglects it, an'
dar it hangs down like a penny candel. History sez,
dat sum ob dar tails in warm klymates grow so big an'

22 BLACK DIAMONDS.

fat dat de shipperd hab to bild a little wagon to karry it in,
which am, ob korse, fastened to de sheep, an' dat's de oney
time de sheep tail am seen in a wagin condishun. It am not
so wid de lams. Dar tails fly like a woman's tongue all de
time.

Brudder Griff will pleese han' roun' de sasser, an' pleese
keep from trowin' sheep's eyes at de sisters.

LECTURE IV.

Ladies aito Gejimen:

It am oberwhelmin proof dat a great thirst for nolage
hab bin wakened in your minds, to see you all turn out dese
cold nites to har your suspected"'lecturer lucidate de grate
an' fundimental principels ob siance, and ef de coUeckshun
wTjs only large nuff to buy a haff a ton insted ob a haff a
peck ob cole at a time, your toses and noses wood be a
good deel more comfurtable. I shall on dis 'tickler 'casion
lectur on de history, costume, and occepashun ob —

DE GOAT.

De goat, my ignumrent harers, muss be one ob de moss
beuiful anamiles in crisendora, or else de buck dandies would
not try so hard to make demseffs look so much like him. It
seems to me dat as soon as a young man's beard shows itseff
suf&shent to indicate de approach ob whiskers, his ambition
is to cultivate it to look like de Billy Goat, and den as soon

HAIRY. 23

as a positive goatee am rased he puts on a crewat wid de
ends stickin out each side ob he head, which make him look
like a he goat wid a yoke on to keep he head out ob mis-
chief, and den he may be called a buck goat.

Dar am two kinds ob goats ; de BDly goat and de Nanny
goat. De one am de hemale and de odder de shemale.
You wUl see a grate many ob de former round de treets
New Yeer's day, wen you ob korse kan 'zammon de anamile
in a perfect state ob labender. De shemale goat gibs milk
jis de same as de cow only not so much ob it^ nor is it as
good as ole mudder cow's, kase you karnt make butter nor
cheese wid it. De hemale don't gib enything but butts.

De goat am found all ober town, 'speshely round boss
stables mong de hosses. Dey am berry fond ob bosses, and
like to sleep wid dem wen dey don't kick. He am a berry
corragous anamile, and will fite wid odder goats till he die.
I don't belibe dey tink demseff as good lookin as de dandies
tink dey am, kase ef you put a looking-glass whar he can
see heseff, he will at once, widout de least sarahmoney, raisg ,
heseff upon he hind legs and make fite at he own likeness ■
and butt de glass into a tousand pieces. Sometimes dey
butt odder tings beside goats. Ef dey don't happen to like
de 'pearance ob a sheep or a man dey will go at em like a
honse a fire. Ole Brudder Sampson was butted off de
bridge one day by one ob dese fellers. He had bin a fishin
and was standin nie de side ob de bridge, and was a stoopin
over pickin up he fish, when a big he Billy Goat, not likin
de way Samson rounded up, rushed at him and butted him
on de trousers and oberboard he went. Billy looked at him
' in de water for a minit, and dfen run and skipped round in de
greatest glee to see de mischief he had done. He am full
ob pluck, but we nebber see him jine eny ob de soger com-
penies. He am a berry wicked feller, and it am easy seen

24 \ BLACK DIAMONDS.

what am ment by compairin de wite trash to de goat. It
am kase dey got de long har; and it am as easy seen who
am ment by de lams ob de flock and de sheep ob de fole. It
am de cullerd peepil, kase dey got de wool, and dar's whar
we got de wite peepil plumb.

In anser to de kummitty dat wated on me and wished to
noe what would be moss excepshunable to me fur a New
Year's present, I hab de honor to say dat I want a new
pair ob second hand trouserloons mity bad, and my boots
wants haflf solein berry bad — de snow has played de debbil
wid dem boots — dese, wid a hundred Cow Bay clams, would
be tankfully recebed, purwidin I git an obercoat and a Hun-
garian hat wid dem.

Brudder Lewis Cowsuth Mazzini Kinkel will purambullate
de lectur room in de most 'publican manner wid de useal
sasser, purwiding he kan see de bad pennies from ober dat
toweriu shurt koUor.

25

LECTURE V.

OILY.

Chosen Children :

As I liab heretofore an' heretohind 'splained de natur
an' costume ob de beests ob de feeld, I sh^ll on dis great
'casioa spoke to you 'boat de beests an' monsters ob de
deep, an' as I allers 'tack de bigest end ob 3 joke fuss, I
shall lectur dis ebenin' on de big cod fish,, none 'mong de
sayl&s as

DE WHALE.

De whale, my frens, am seldom found in enny odder place
den de.Middleterainin, an' de Specific Oshuns, aide dar was
a yung Daneish gemman, named Hamlet, dat de 'ppsle
Shakspeare slew'd in a dewel, an' an old fogey, named Pelo-
niiis, dat tort dey seed sumfin berry like it in de clowds; but
it turned out to be a camel.

De peeple dat go arter de whales am called whalers.
asow, my ole skool master was a whaler; but he nebber was
to see in he lifetime. But I'm off de track ob my diskorse,
like a spil'd lokonjotiff.

De whale am 'mong de fishes what de elemfint am 'mong
beastesses ; de biggest lofer ob dem all. A fisherman,
named Jona, swaller'd one once; but it oberloded he stum-
muck to dat degree dat in tree days he leff 'em up agin. It
war too much ob a muchness for him.

When you fuss see one ob dese fellers at see, you see sum-
fin' wurth seein', as he am spurtin' de water up true he nose,

26 BLACK DIAMONDS.

like de Park fount'n. Soon as de man aloff, in de royal
top-gallen main chains sees him true he spiglass, he sings out
at once to de man dat got charge ob de seller dore dat
swings on 'hind de ship, " Luff ! blast you eyes, luff !" Den
de cap'n kums on de poop deck an' itqUs out he gemometer,
an' takes a elewashun. Den you hear his woice, " Take in
a reef ob de bowsplit, an' unship de hatchway ob de hen-
koop for axion. ' Put out you jib an' tackle, an' take de
kerboose house up stairs." Den you see de sailors run roun'
like kittens, up , an' down de mass hed. Den you hajr de
mate sing out tru a fire horn, "Ebery man take tree hitches
at he trowsers an' a chow ob bacco, an' be darn quick 'bout
it. Take a reef in de mainmass, an' luff go de rudder.
Splice de mein-brace. Down wid de jib-boom, an' up wid
de still yards, an' put on de pot. Now de 'citement begins,
kase de ole whale am 'sashain nie to' de lubber's side ob de
ship. Now, de cap'n bravely drows his led pencel, looks
tru his ginbometon agin. Take down de longertude, lasses-
tude an' a glass ob brandy. Den he get red in de face wid
de 'citement, an' calls to de men, " Boys, man de botes an'
look out for whale." Den de boys git in de batto bote, an'
dey take de harpoon wid dem, tied to 'bout five miles ob bed
cord, an' 'way dey row to de whale. When dey git 'long-
side ob de monster, he look big as Cooney Island, an' den
an ole whaler in white pants, straw hat, an' a long black
ribbon on it, gumps 'pon de ole whale's back, an' gits up nie
he hed, an' feels for a soft spot, which, as soon as he fin's,
he sticks de harpoon in an' swims to de bote. Den de ole
whale dives rite doun to de bottom ob de see, an' de man in
de bote pays out de lined dat's fass to de harpoon, as fass as
a man dats got a lor-sute pays out money.

Arter de ole whale rolls heseff on de bottom, to get de
harppoon out he hed, an' he sees he can't do it, he git mite

OILY. 2T

mad, an' kams up an' make fite wid de ship, an' hits it a
crack wid he tail, which am as big as a full grown barn dore.
Dat make de cap'n "smile" agin, an' he orders more harp-
poons in de whale's back. Dis am soon dun by de krew,
an' de poor whale kums Week from de loss ob blood an' he
temper, an' gibs up he ghoss.

Sumtimes he hits de leetle bote, when all de men am in
it, an' stabes it all to tunder, an' 'way flys de men up in de
air, like man kites, an' kum down agin kerswat in de water.
Well, arter de whale am ded, dey cut him up in chunks an'
hawl him on borde, an' sich stakes you nebber did see.
Sturgeon am no suckemstance to 'em. Why dey am 'nuff
to make codfish balls for all ole King Cole's army. When
he am all cut up, de saylers 'pear to feel bad 'bout him, an'
dey all go to blubberin'. Day bile de ile out ob de meet, jis
de same as dey do de greese oat ob de mummys at de
Museum, an' put it up in bar'ls. De bones dey put down
de hole. De one am used for feedin' de luminary apperate-
sus, an' de odder for makin' de ladies' korsits wid when dey
ribe home to Nantucket,

De whale am de big iish — de codfish aristocracy ob de
sees, de same as de big bugs an' de codfish aristocracy ob
de Ian'; but de former hab got de 'wantage ob de latter,
kase, notwidstanin' de whale dewoures a good eel, he pro-
duces sumfln, but de Ian' codfish aristocracy dewours ebery-
ting, an' produces nulBn'.

Dat's all I fine 'bout de whale, an' I read de Pilgrim's
Progress rite true, an' it didn't say nuffin 'bout it.

Will Brudder Woolly Dave pleese pass roun' de sasser,
an' look out for bad pennies, kase dey will stick me ef dey
kin.

28 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE VI.

INDIGNATION.

Deer Brudderm :

'Tis my wisli dis time
To lebeoff prose, an' spoke ia rime,
Jis to luff de wite trash see
Dat I kin 'dress you in sweet poetree.
Dey tink dey got all de edication,
Dat no odder peeple in de nation
Kin call de aid ob all de muses,
But dey'll see I kin, ef I chooses.
Well, den, to begin, you all do noe,
Dat de wite trash am a gwane for to go
To send de kuller'd popelation
'Way, off t' Liberia, in anudder nation,
War de sunshine am so skorchin' hot,
Dat its rays will bile de dinner pot ;
An' dar, my jfren's, you got to toil.
To make a libin' from de soil,
An' aldo, ob korse, you will be free,
An' each man hab his liberty,
Dat liberty consists in de rite
To work all day, jis like de wite
Man, or else starve an' die,
Like lazy wites in ebery conteri.
Gub'ner Hunt, in he lass proclamation,
Sed, dat de kuller'd popelation

INDIGNATION. ^ 29

w
War a dyin' out — meltin 'way,
Like a bar'l ob 'lasses on a July day,
Dat wite au' black togedder coodn't stay,
An' tola de blacks to go away.
Dis onsult, ob koorse, we coodn't pass.
We met, and wrote him down — an ass.
At de meetin' dar war sebral speeches.
By brudders, dat 'moss buss dar breeches,
Wid elemquence an' indignation
'Ginst eberyting like kulonization.
We passed a wote by. acklemation, '
Dat de black folks best ob all creation.
An' show'd de abolish'nists plain;
Dat we cood see rite tru dar game.
Ole Hunt sees de race absqnatchelate.
But kan't tell wat produce dis state.
But I kill, an' by your approbation,
I'll name it — Amalgamation !
De abolish'nists won't let our gals alone,
An' now want to send de men from liome.
Golly! wen I tink ob it, my blud bile
Like hasty pudding, all de wile.
Anty Clawson sez she'd gib a doller,
To hab a wite man try to fool her ;
She sez, ef dey'd come roun' her, she'd^lam
Dem on de hed wid Cowbay clam ;
Darfor, I 'wise Bill Seaweed, an' all sieh,
To 'woid de seller as dey would de ich ;
But I'm off de track ob wat I ment to site,
Wen I kum liar dis blessed nite.
I ment tu lend my feeble yell
'Gainst kulonization, an' to tell
Dis kongregation, one an' all,

80 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Not to be humbug'd by de skeeme at all.
Wat rite hab dey to klub togedder,
To sen' de kuUer'd folks 'way, wedder
Dey will or no ? I'll luff 'em see
I'm a Kousutli an' Lolo Monkee
Kumbined in one ; I'll show
Dat I'm roun', an' boatf to blow.
Ef we go dar, to work we got to go,
A ting all darkies hate, you noe ;
Darfor, I tink, we'd all be fools.
To try to larn de use ob tools.
Wat do we want to noe 'bout bricks.
Or bildin' houses, an' sich tricks ?
Ef we lam dese tings, an' sich like,
We'll hab to work from morn till nite.
No longer kan we lofe 'roun docks
Or markets, but' muss work like ox —
No longer dance de jig an' reel, -
At Kafrine Market, for de lunch ob eel —
No longer for de porgies Sing,
Nor dance de juba in de ring ;
All our pleasure will be gone away,
When kulonization gits de sway.
Tru, dar. we all wood lib togedder,
One black man jis as good as tedder ;
We'd hab our own laws an' skools,
But wat's all dis, you simple fools.
If you got to work to make it ?
Darfo}, I say, de debel take it.
De dandy_ darkey won't go 'way,
Bekase Liberia hab no Broadway,
Wharin, on Sunday arternoons,
He kin sport he fancy trowserloons,

INDIGNATION. 81

An' dandy coat, jis good as new,

Only he boss wore it a year or two

Afore lie did ; but wot ob dat ?

De kuller'd ladies arn't so flat

As to spurn a secon'-handed cote.

Wen de chap dat's in it, wars a gofce.

Dty neber ax''eni whar dey get dar close,

Hence, it am inferred, dey nose.

But I muss stop dis brilliant epic here,

Bekase its growin' late, I feer.

De sisters want to go a sparkin',

Darfor I klose, by dus remarkin' —

Let de kuloiiizationers do dar mite,

You all kum hareach lectur nite.

An' keep de subjick in a blaze.

An' bring all de money you kin raise.

An' han' de cash each nite to me,

Kase I'm de G-ineral Kommittee —

Dat am I'm one ob dem, I mean,

But not one ob de gay tirteen.

Will Brudder Kuff be so perlite

As to pass de sasser roun' to-nite,

An' look out for shillin's made ob tin,

Bekase de lofers ring dem in ;

An' as my eyes am old an' bad to see,

Dey'm offen pass'd away b^ me.

33 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE VII.

V'

HORNY.

Eflubiods Beuddern :

You will find de tex ob my diskorse dis ebenin a
swimin' in enny ob de fresh water ribers or ponds, trouout
de country, an' ef you want to noe in pertickler wat dat
am, I will tell you. I mean to 'liten you on de beauties ob
de

CAT FISH.

Dis fish am a lofer fish, enny how you can fix him. On
klose 'zamenashun he vill remind you ob seberal tings you'
can't tink ob. He's as humbly as a boss hed skinned, an'
he's all mouff like a clam, an' darfor he- am also likewise
like a skoldin' wife, all jaw, an' he look like a cullerd man
wen he laff, in de countenance. He eyes am on de top ob
he hed, so he can't look down on eny ob de odder fish, like
de big codfish aristokracy dat swim abuv Union Square do
on de odder fish below dat inflated region. He am slimy
as slander all ober, an' ai slippery as a gold doller. Sum
cullerd men s'pose dat dese fish am sum 'lation to ole Belze-
bub, kase he got horns like dat augustus personage. But
aldo he wears de horns, he am no kin to de debil, an' ef all
mankind dat am sitewated like de cat fish in dis respect, am
to be classed in 'mong his 'latives, he wood hab too big a
famaly to feed. Darfor I say unto you, in de langwage ob
de poet, de cat fish am not de debil, more am de debil a cat
fish.

HORNY. 33

I sed in de fuss klans ob dis epic dat de cat fish am a
lofer. I still stick to dat fack ef it "make Rome houl."
De reeson I say he am a lofer am kase he distroys more den
he earns, an' de mandat does dat am a lofer all de world
ober, an' we all know dat de caty does dat ting. He am a
sucker, an' like de lofer he Ubs by suckshun, an' sucks in he
nabors, perwidin' dey am small 'nuff to anser he purposes.
He am like de Canabells we hear ob 'mong de mishenarys,
l^ase he eats he own children ; but I b'lebe he ginerly per-
fers odder fishes' bodies.

I don't noe why he am called de cat fi.sh, onless it am
bekase he am such a pussylanamus feller, and pussyla.ua.mns
am caitamount to bein' called a ramtonias. One reeson dey
call him so may be 'kase he am so sportive an' kilten like
when he am out ob de water.

If dar am one fish dat de fisherman 'spise an' abhor more
den anudder, it am dis same tom cat fish, kase dey fool em so
offul. You nebber node one ob dese fish to take rite hold
ob de hook like a 'spectable week fish or tom cod, No.
Dey go sneekin' round de bate bitin' off de side a little now
an' a little den, tryin' to steel de bate, an' it am only when
you gib a galwanick jirk, an' hook him in de topper jaw
dat you kotch him, an' den you may safely make up your
mind dat you got him on a string. Well, wen you got him,
wat den ? Look out how you fool your time wid him, or
you'll get he horn in your hand, for he am sure to make fite
wid you. Brudder Bob Roberts, ob Xew Orleans; rites me
a berry perfectic story 'bout he, an heseflf, Simon Bines, he,
an' heseff a gwane a fishin' to de lake ob Pont-cter-mar-
tram, nie dat ■ Creshent City, whar de battles ob Lake
Shampain and Erie Canal was fit, an' he 'scribes how he^ot
de horn ob de cat fish in he hand, an' in slingin' de fish off
he fell on de spot war Simon war jis a settin' down, an'

2*

34 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Simon set on de fish, an' jumped up immediately, ef not
sooner. But didn't Simon rub an' swar, an' didn't he lam
dat fish ? May be not, an' may be yes; but Bob sez he war
mitey glad he warn't dat cat fish 'bout dat time.

De fate ob de cat fish an' de fate ob de green countryman
am boff alike, wen edor cum to dis city, kase dey boff get
beaufully skin'd. De former am allers well kooked, but de
latter, aldo he am konsidered well done, he ginerly remains
as rati) as eber.

Dat's all I find out 'bout de cat fish. Ef de telligrafick
noose sez enny ting 'bout him, I'll let you noe nex week.

I is inquested to state dat de black swan, accumpanyed
by sebreal wite an' black brudders, will ribe in dis city soon,
an' I speck she will gib a eonsart at Pete Williams' or sum
odder place. It am 'spected de 'wooley heds ginerly will
turn out in one muss, an' 'scorch her tru Larence street an'
de Five Pints. She will lay all de wite trash singers out
cold : —

»

De fame ob Jenny Lind

Will be wasted to de wind.

An' no longer we hear de praises

Of no more Cafrine Hayzes ;

But all de praise will be let loose,

On de black swan, alias goose.

To make dat lass line rime,
I got to say goose dis time.

Sister Swan may not be sich a sweet singer; but she will
be found a mitey strong one.

Will Brudder Sam Slofield please to pass- round de sas-
ser, an' stop laffin at de axident dat happen to Simon Bines.
Sich' conduc in people ob hfsrsize am berry irreproachable,
berry.

SYKESy TAKING THE BUTT. 35

LECTURE VIII.

SYKESY TAKING THE BUTT.

Aeter settlia' de questshun as to who an' wat Mr. Aztic
was, who lets his children be-made a show shop ob in Broad-
way, I see no odder questshun dat 'quire de interference ob
de larned an' siantifick, but one, an' dat am sartinly a puz-
eler. De town am goin' mad 'bout it, an' unless I come
out an' settle de hole ting in one full swope, I don't noe to
wat pitch de peepil will git demseffs. Dar am no noein' wat
wood becum ob dis cummunity ef it WUsn't for your humble
speeker. I blush, as much as sarcumstances will admit, to
tink dat I am de great leder dat ballances public 'pinion in
dese days. De subjick dat I hab reference to dis ebenia' am
call'd on de han'bills all 'bout town —

PSYCHOLOGY.

an am one ob de modern siances 'cnliar to dis klimate.

Sykeology am deribed from de name of Sykesy, an'
Sykesy war de man spoken ob in de anchent history ob Joe
Sefus, who war so politely 'quested by Moses to -" take de
butt." Dis history dates fudder back dan de fuss axedent
on de Harlem Railroade, an' dat you noe am a long time
ago. Sykesy war a lazy dissyple, an' nebber wood take de
butt, unless he war drobe to it. He pertended to study
siance, an' one ob his siances war dis, which am suspishusly
called arter his name. Dar am a good menny perfessers ob

36 '^ BLACK DIAMONDS.

dis siance rniinin' round an' doin' de peepil brown whenebber
de}' git. a chance.

As de public mind am berry much cogitated 'bout de
matter, I 'eluded to go to one ob de 'xrbishons, an' see how
it war done, an' settle de pint by tellin' you all I noe 'bout
it. An' I tink I got dem perfessers dis time on de hip.

Sykeology am a sister siance to musmerisra, mental acho-
hal, an' de odder black arts or blygards, I forgit now which.
It consists ob puttin' de folks to sleep, while dey am wide
awake, an' make em cut up all kinds ob shindees wid dar
eyes wide open. In short, it am gittin' drunk widoat enny
ob de useg-l stimelets, an am considered by de lamed a new
doge ob de temperance allegience. Bat I'll 'splain de hole
ting to you, an' not keep you in suspended anxiety no longer.
Ef you want to be frown in de state, as dese perfessers call
it, you muss go dar, an' go up to de platform, an den de
perfesscr look at you smack in de eye, as brabe as a sheep.
Den he gib you a piece ob money to hold in your hand,
arter he blows he breff on it, an' den he passes he hau's
ober you face to pull de wool ober you eyes, an' den he can
make you b'lebe you am Andrew Jackson Allen, Major
Crawley, Gen. Jones, ine, or enny odder great man ob de
age. Den he can make you sing a song, laff, or cry a hole
bason full ob tears, jis as he likes, and arter dat he can
tetch a bump, an' let you cum to yourseff, an' feel as flat ss^
my pocket book. Xow all dis seem queer, strange, an'
unaccountable to de ignumrent ; but to me an' de ress ob
de stugents ob siance, its as clar as lager bier.

You all see dat dis delusion am brot 'bout by piece ob
money. Well, you all noe dat money am de root ob all
ebel, darfor it muss be dat it cum from de ole debil heseff,
an' here I will state, for inflammashun, dat notwidstan'in' it
am so much ob an ebel, all de churches an' all de preechers

.'--^ SYKEST TAKIKG THE BCTT. 37

don't 'pear, to care how mnch ob dis ebel dar am on hand
'bout dese days. Well, den, dis money bein' closely related
to de ole square foot feller, it am naturally to be s'posed he
got a big finger in de pie, an' dis I tink am de fac. De in-
fluence ob a piece ob money on some peepil's hands -am
always different from odders; but Aven it am charged wid
dis mental alcohol, as dey call it (which am noting else
but de debel in a liquid form), it act on de Inmbolus muzzels
ob de human sistem, an' de lumboluses aggrewates de
artickalar fibres, which, actin' in a direct function on de
catagory nerves, an' de perry nostrum wessels am conducted
fru de culinary canal, which am widen'd for de purpose, an'
fines its way to de gastric juces, whar it am mejetly sent by
de tubical ob de heel to de brane pan. When de brane pan
am full ob de influence, den you can 'speroment on de cree-
tur, an' make dem play tom fool as long as you like, kase
de creter am den as full ob de ole Belzebnb as a big wood-
chuck.

Now, you noe all 'bout de siance ob Sykeology 'bout as
well as de perfessers demseffs ; but I warn you not to fool
wid it, noe how, for ef de fluids go 'rong, an' you shood put
de money in yon pocket, insted ob holdiu' it in your hand,
dar's no noein' what de consequence mout be. Likennff
when you " cum to,'' you'd find youseff colapsed in de
Tooms, or some odder place ob recreation.

Brudder Kel Longlogue will pleese pass roun' de sasser,
an' luck out for bad pennies. It seems dat I git all ob
dem, an' all de tin shillin's dat am in sarculation.

38 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE IX.

THE BOLL FROG.

My Suspected Friends :

I SHALL on dis 'portant 'casion lucidate on de sianti-
fick siances ob prolific genius, 'eordin' to natur. My
remarks on dis 'ticlar casion will agin be fetched from de
animal kingdum, 'eordin' to de 'possel Goldsmith, an' de
critter dat I shall honor wid notice dis time will be ob de
hull species. Now dar am sebril kinds ob bull, de bull calf,
de bull ox, de bull dog, de buUefant, John Bull, an' de Irish
bull, whpse fuss name am Pat Bull, 'eordin' to de Greek, an'
dar's de bull hed fish, an' de bull what de Pope spoke 'bout,
an' de Wall street bull. We hear ob de bull fiddle, but
none ob dese, you black seed ob Kain, 'tract my 'tentshun
in de leest, but de bull I speck to splanify from him hed ^;o
him tail, am a bull dat hab made consideraJaZ^ noise in de
world, 'specially summer nites, an' am called by us in nateral
histry, de

BULL FEOG.

An' as I bin so bizzy ob late 'tendin' to odder fokes bizness,
I ain't had time to study out de 'culearities ob de beest, I
will darfor, for dis once, gib de 'pinion ob a nudder foolo-
sefer on de subjick. I shall gib you de benefit ob de 'sarches
ob Perfesser Pompey Godolphus Squash, Esq., who sleeped
two nites in a frog pond to find out dar mosts operandi, as
we say in Latin.- You will, no doubt, recumlect dat Per-
fesser Squash war a lecturin here when I fuss broke out in

THE BULL FROG. 39

de siantifick world, but de Drummond lite ob my geenis out-
shone de feeble rushlite ob he talent for siance, an' he busted
up, an' went out ob de 'Nited States to Jarsey, an''got a
sitewashun in a lunatic 'silam.

" De bull frog," says dat delatidated perfesser, " am no
relation whateber to de hoptoad. He sprung from de family
ob Pollywogs, on him mudder's side, an' from a poor man's
plaster on him fodder's side, from which we draw sebral con-
clusions. When he war polliwog, he war 'bout de size ob a
second hand chew ob 'baccy, an' bout as nasty. He swim
'bout on de top ob de little spring — in de spring ob de year,
till de hot sun make him grow too big for him briches, an'
den one mornin' he wate up an' find himseff somebody else;
he har looses de thred ob him tail, an' can go no furder wid'
he story ob he progressive life. De bull frog am 'bout de
size ob a piece ob hoe cake, wid legs; he head am round,
samfin' like cat fish, an' he hab an open, generous count'-
nance like a clam; him mouf am 'bout de size ob an opera
singer's in de distressful passages ob " Lucreture Porge."
His color am ob a grizly pepper, salt, an' mustard yaller,
an' green, mixed up wid brown gray in streeks."

Dar am little kuown 'bout dar soshul existence. Dar am
no foolosopher xiat hab discobered wat dare tastes am for
eddicashun, darfor no man noes wedder dey go to free skool
or not, but dis I find- out myseff ! Dey muss hab singin'
skools among 'em, kase tudder nite, lass summer, when I
went home wid oyster soop Jack's daughter, ober back
ob Bohoken, de frogs had a consert, which lasted all de time
dat I war ober dar; dey made as much noise as de lawyers
in de korthouse.

De hind legs ob dese chaps am de Frenchmen's delite, dey
skin 'em an' cook 'em wid as much relish as cuUer'd man eats
de possnm fat an' hoe cake.' Dese fellers am putty cute,

40 BLACK DIAMONDS.

too; you can't "get dem " on a hook," or " ia a horn," but
you hab to nett de ting wid dem, or you can't kotch 'em.
So fur, dar hab oney bin bull frog diskibered. As soon as
dey find out dft cow frog, I will open de subjec agin for de
wancement ob siance.

Dar will be a meetin' at de seller to-morrow ebeniu' to
take in 'siderashun de fac dat your suspected lecturer wants
a new second hand cote mitey bad.

Peter Glainin will please hand round de sasser, an' de
collectshun will now be taken up to buy whitewash an' a
new brush to clean dis room, an' 1 'pint Sister Johnson,
Brudder Coles an' Sister Brigely de committee to do de
same.

Me an' Daniel Webster an- rayseff war inwited to de
Picayune Ball on Monday nite.

LECTURE X.

THE NEW KOAD.

Bi-UBED Sinners :

De words ob my text on dis 'portant 'casion you
can't find in eny ob de books dat hab bin printed, nor in
eny ob de noose papers, kos I neber spake from dem afore,
but neberdeless dey am giss as good as do dey had been
sounded from one end ob de world to de odder, tro de tel-
lugraff or Baalam's trumpet. De words am —

"go to hebben your own eode."

THE NEW ROAD. 41

I noe, my 'spected hearers, dat all de different 'Dominations
will be down on me for telling you dis, kase dere am none
dat will 'low you dat pribelige ; dey all tell you dat if you
don't belibe jis as dey do, and come into de 'tablished church,
you am lost obberboard in de big gulf ob sin ; all de
churches am 'tablished churches, and dey all tink de rode
dey hab picked out trough de miserable thickets ob truble,
wexations, and odder grevences ob dis life, am de rite one,
and de odders am all rong. Bishop Hughes says dat his
creed am de only one dat will popelate hebbin, and de pris-
beterians, on hearin dis 'sertion, held a meetin right away at
de Tubernicle, an' contadicted de hole ting, told some good
nany-gotes 'bout ole Giles Croggins' boss and kart, and
'spirsed satified dey wor on de rite rode. De Metodist, de
'piscopailfuUs, de Baptist, de Tairrians an' Worsilest, all tink
dey see de golden gates ob l\ebben rite afore dem, and feel
sure ob being 'wited in to take a sect as soon as dey nock at
de dore. Dey am gis like a lot of skoolboys playing base,
dey al'l see hunk, but all take a different paff, i^n order to git
in fust. Now, my ungrateful frens, I don't want to say dat
eny ob dese 'nominations am wrong, but 1 am goin to take
m.y own rode, and cut cross lots. I am goin to do unto all
I meet de same as I'd wish dera to do unto me — treat dem
kindly — relieve all de sufferin'I kin along de paff, and when
I reach de golden gate, I shall strip myself ob all de worldly
tings, and 'pear w-id de Backed truff for my breast plate, and
I tink by ilein myself all ober wid de ointment 'posed ob lub,
charity, and faith, dat I will slip in while St. Peter am
'zaminin de credentials of Brudder Beecher and Brudder
Hughes. If I kin git a chance to say a sly word to St.
Peter, I'll ask him if charity- am one ob de principal foun-
dations of Christianity ? and if he say yes, which I l^ink he
will, den I'll tell him dat Brudder Beecher show no charity

42 BLACK DIAMONDS.

toward de actor people, an I'll take his lectur on de
'bolishin ob teatres in my pocket, and show it to him,
wherein he see dat Brudder Beecher sends all de actors to
hell wedder or no ; den St. Peter will say, " di^t do^'t look
christin like, but den Brudder Beecher got much charity and
lub for de nigger race, of which you, as a member, should
feel tankful and prowd. It shows 'clusively dat he lubs
darkey more dan actor." Yes, I'll 'mark, dats a fac, he does
tink colored man better dan actor man, kase de colored man
don't interfere wid he bread and butter ; but I don't, so
long as de actor man behaves hisself.

My lubed Sisters and Brudders, you can all git to hebben
if you hke, and 'woid de big lake dat I spoke 'bout toder
week. To do dis, you mu,s go true de world wid a clare
conshuns, kick hipocracy to de ole debil, where it belongs,
rong nobody, help one anodder along in de trials ob life ;
keep out ob debt and all de low rum shops ; stop playin
bluff ; don't steal anyting, not ehen a chicken ; do as near
rite as you.noe how ; and try to learn to do all de good your
limited sphere of life will 'low, and you hab as good a sight
for a front seat in hebbin as de loudest brawler among de
whole tribes ob mankind ; you, ob course, hab got to do
your duty jis as well as de rich, influenshul man hab got to
do his'n, an' one ob your duties am to put all de money you
kin in de plate, when Brudder Gustus Lemonskins hans it
round.

I wish to state afore closin' de shop, dat de Hannibal
Guards, de colored company ob soldiers ob dis city, dat
paraded todder day, was raised in honor ob myself, and
named arter me, for' de great 'spect dey hab for 'spected
laborer. Dere will be open house in de sellar New Years,
and sister Johnson will make de ele chowder on dis 'ticlar
'casion, chowder ready from 8 " M.A.'' till dark, and little

THE WORLD AS TT IS. 4B

r

arter, an I trust you will all joy yourselfs and keep sober.
Santa Klaus visited ^sebral ob ^e early risiu' gineration ob
dis congregaiimi, and left peanuts, baloney sassage, and
odder good tings. Anty Cuff^ung up her 'toekin, but one
ob de board ob health happened to " smell a rat," or-
dered it down, else ders no 'noiu what might hab bin in it.

LECTURE XI.

THE WORLD AS IT IS.

Dear Sisters and Brdddern :

You will find de words of my text for this ebenin' in
de 'gography written by an ole gouty gemman, named Peter
Parley, de text reads dus,

" Dis, world is round, and, like a ball,
Seems swinging in de air."

Now, my ignorant deciples, you must know dat dere am
seberil kinds of worlds ; dere's de teatrical world, whare
de theatres fust come from ; den dere's de literary world,
whare all de literary come from ; deu dere's de world ob
fashion, whar all de " bong tong " lib ; den dere's de world
ob scianee, ob which world I claim to be a native. But
none ob dese worlds am de VForld ment in de tex ; de world
ment dere am dis sircumlambula busitarian world, on which
we am at dis minute restitf our enlarged understandins.
But how de foolosefers ob old find out it am round am a
puzler to me. De fust man who said dis world to be round

44 BLACK DIAMONDS,

was a schoolmaster dat libed prebiously just arter de flood,
by de name ob So-cratcs, and de peeple all laffed at him,
an' ole King Cruso, who rxiined at de time, seein' dat he
node so much pholosphy, cotched him one nite while he was
on a coon hunt, and got him into de Tombs, and pizened
him wid mixture of padlock bark, and Mr. So-crates drink
him down jis hke cider spirits, smacked his lips, pulled up
his shirt collar, an' laid himself down an' died. He was a
'stonishing jierssin, 'eordin to Hoil's 'counts ob him. He
libed in a sugar hogshead, and led a sweet existence. De
next man dat 'serted de fac was de ole rheumatic genius
whose poetry serbes your 'htened laborer wid a tex dis
ebenin. De fac ob de world being round, like a big pumkin,
seems to strike your understandings in a 'circular way, and
make all you eyes look big as sassers. I'll e'splain de holl
ting to you so you will know hencearter all 'bout it, jis as
well as odder peeple. You must noe, iu de fust place, dat
dis world am bounded north by de Pasiflc Ocean, as fur as
longitude North Pole, an' on de east by de Gipsian Pira-
mids, south by Witney's Railroad depot, and west by de
Rocky Mountains. Dere am a South Pole, as well as a
North Pole. De South Pole am made ob a mity big red
hot crowbar, bigger den 30011 liberty poles, an' on de top
of it de world rests one end ob itself on its axel-trees. De
odder end rests on de North Pole, which 'eordin to Spoke-
shake, am made of icebergs. De odder end ob de big axle-
tree dat runs true de middle ob de globe rests on de top-ob
dis pole, an dat's what bring new-year's day in de cold sea-
son, and you see what keeps de world in proper equolibriam
trimmins, and perwents it from upsettiu' earsterly or west-
erly, -am de mighty Gipsian Pyramids on de one hand, an'
de spontaneas Rocky Mountains on de odder. Dis I found
out myself I Some times dese axle-trees want greasing, to

THE WORLD AS IT 13. 45

make it slip round easy, an' how day go to work to do it
remains one ob de " Misteries of Adolphin." I tink dat de
arthquakes dat we read so much 'bout in de papers, am
caused by de takin' down ob one or odder ob the axel-trees,
when dey go to grease de top ob de pole. An' one ob dese
days, my stingy hearers, de Nofth or South Pole will give
way, an' bust up all creation. De wolcanoes will fall on de
icebergs an' melt dem all up into water, which will oberflow
dis world, and you will be swamped alive ! In sich a case
ob 'mergeucy, I would 'wise you all to rush for de ferry
boat, an' git on Brooklyn Eights, as soon as de will ob
Providence and power ob steam will carry you ; dar you
wUl find de wicked cease from grumblin, and de lazy am
at rest.

Dis watery pictnr dat I draw afore your distorted wisages
may be 'sidered out ob place in dis season ob brandy toddy,
gin slings, whiskey punches, hot stuff, au' Jersey lightuin';
but noein' you all got pretty well corned on new-years, I
thought a more refreshing subject could not be touched 'poa
on dis 'portant 'casion. I myself got a little dizzy in de head
an' sick at de stomack, after makin' 431 calls 'moag my
flock, which may in a small (horn) measure 'polagise for my
disinterestin' discorse this ebenin. JS'oin dat, so soon arter
de holidays, it would be useless, I fourbear passing round
de sasser on dis 'casion.

46 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTIJEE XII.

FACETIOUS.

Ladies and Gemmen :

My discourses dis ebenin will be drawn from de
annals of sciance, according to Gunter, and de sciauce I
'tend to lite on your understandings wid, will be de sci-
ance ob

NOSEOLOGT.

Noseology, my frens, had a good deal to do wid tings ob
dis life, for by it you can tell to wat race every' man you
meet in de street b'longs.

Noseology, ob course, means nose ob de face ob wite man,
red man, black man, half black man, and monkey. Dere
am sebril classes ob noses, which was classed in King
Crusoe's time, under de heads of Wegetable noses. Hook
nos*, Roman noses. Pug noses, Grecian noses, and flat and
Poke noses, and odder noses dat 1 nose not ob. De wega-
table nose am wulgerly called turnup noses. Dese kind
am bery prebilent wid young misses when dey git a new bo,
''if dey happen to meet dere old bo in de street. Anodder
wegetable nose am de redish ; dese am generally found on
the faces ob ole bachelors who had patronized de dimajog
frequently offen. Some time dese redish noses wegetate and
cumulate, one on top ob de odder, till dey am piled up like
a heap ob pabin stones on a load ob red sand, and dis my
ignorant frens, am what Spokeshape means by de tex,

On horror's head horrid noses' cumulate. '

FACETIOUS. i*l

De redish nose am often called de Rumen nose; de hook
nose is most frequently met in Chatham street, 'mong de
Jews; and wo be to de customer who gets hooked under
dere nose. He's sure to be sold someting better ash new,
and sheep as dirt. De hook nose is some 'mong de yankees
up East. Josepii Miller, Esq., an elderly gemmon, node
one wunst, dat had sich a big one dat when he went to pick
cherries, he used to hang by de limb wid it, and pick wid
boff hands ; dey made him President ob de hook and ledder
company. De Roman nose seems to be a mistery mong all
de foolosefers, and Mr. Milton, or some odder fur seein'
chap, said dat

No one nose
What a Roman nose.

Derefore I pass on dem kind ob noses, and splain de pug
nose. Dis nose seems to be permiscusly sent by human
natur to all babies, who seem proud ob dem from de time
it am no bigger den a piece ob putty wid two holes in it,
till it swell to de size qb de hickory nut. Natur seems, in
gibin de finishin touch to babies, to hab hit dem on de end
ob de nose and turned it up so it would not be in dar way
in gitting dere sebril meals a day from de mudder ; dese
little noses am none as Greesein, as de child grow up 'spe-
cially on cold: mornins.

De next nose under 'sideration am de poke nose; dese am
de wust noses o^ all. Dey am ginerally long and pinety,
and found 'mong de old maids, slip shod married wimming,
editors, and now and den it am found 'mong de preecher
mans.

My dear deluded lams, beware ob' de poke nose. You
noe dem in a minit by dere sneakingly, downwardly, pint-
ingly 'pearance. If you don't look out for dem, you'll wish

48 BLACK DIAMONDS.

you better had, kos day'll find out all your business. Noe
how mauy sasiiigers you eat for dinner ! Whar you git
your close ! How much you git for white-washing a day !
and sich tings, an' den go glab it on de corner an' in de
cellar.

De flat nose am great mark ob 'stinctionfmong de colored
folks, if dey am not too flat. Isow, dere's young Sister
Cole hab got nose so flat dat she hab' to put tar on her fin-
ger to make dem stick long enuff to blow it. But you may
tink I'm blowin' it. Not de nose, but de fact ob her habin'
sich nose, but I only mention it in pint ob 'lustration.

De next human being dat hab got flat nose am de mon-
key. An' aldough dere am not a race ob men on dis cir-
cumfering earth dat I so much dispise for dere lazy an'
cunnin' perpensitys, still I don't wish to 'radicate no honor
from eny section ob de great family ob human natur.

Brudder Cato Puggs, who mistook de orango-tang in de
Museum for his grandmother, and gib her a Christmas
present, has 'plied to me to sew Mr. Barnum in de Sp6rm
City Cort, to recobber de half pound broken candy, big
orange and stick ob likeri.sh which she took from him widout
eben saying tanky sir. I recline to hab no tin' to do wid it,
'case he ought to noe better.

Brudder Klem, pass roun' de hat, an' look out for tin
sixpences.

THE CAMEL. 49

LECTURE XIII.

THE camel;

Brudders and Sisters : ,

I is glad to persebe dat a tirst fur noledge had agin
'sembled you togedder, an' I trust you will go 'way sassage-
fied dat your ole and worthy speaker am, teaching your idias
how to shuts. I hope de Anti-gamblin 'Siety won't tink I
shute marbels, kase I'm down on all species ob dat, as well
as Purfesser Greeley. Prom pitqhin' pennies you git to
pitchin' quates, from pitchin' quates you pitch into somebody
else, and so on to de end ob de pusseloge. But dis, my
' stingy hearers, hab notin' to do wid de subjic ob my dis-
coure dis ebenin', an' I shall now endeber to lucidate dat
subjic to de hight ob you xasperation, and not hide my lite
under a half a peck. De pictur ob de subjic dis time I
found in de Spellin' Book, and in de Gogrophy, and when I
went in de wild beast show I find him dare chawin' away,
jis as if he git dollar a day for doin' de same ; dere is no
use in keepin' you in 'spenders eny longer, so I'll tell you dat
de crettur dat I tend to splanify to you am no less a pus-
senage dgn

DE camel !

It seems to me, on lookin' abroad on human nature,
human indolence, and de rest ob de 'rangements, dat dis
beast must hab bin made last, for it strikes me wid de force
ob a ten strike from Hier, dat dere wasent stuff 'nuff leff
to finish him out in a 'spectable style, suteable for de 'siety

3

60 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ob de rest ob mankind ; dey must had a large supply ob' lip
leff, kase dey furnish him wid cben more den dey handed out
to de colored race. Dey was putty well off for legs, and
bones too, I gess ; but dere back stuff must hab bin short,
and in a good many small pieces, kase it looks as if he" was
spliced togedder in sebril places, and put on promiscuously,
widout eben smofin' down, and dere leff to dry, ajid it neber
be eny better wid him. He carries de rockey raountins on
him shoulders, Bunker's hill on him rump, and de walley of
Gee-hoss-em fat in de middle. His mouff am good deel like
black man's, oney bigger, and more ob it ; but de 'spression,
as de doggutotipe man sez, am berry simler ; he chaws de
cud ob bacco wid de same ease and imperience dat de gem-
mons on de stoop ob de hotpl in Broadway do, ouey de camel
don't spit on de walk, to be wiped up by de ladies' dresses
• as dey prumenade dat muddy toroughfare. When de camel
move along, he look jis like two wolcanos stuck upou four
beanpoles, and kivered ober wid a hoss blanket full ob coal
ashes, he head stick up strait as a raw recrute in a s"bger
company, or like Joe Cudgo, when he win twelve shillins in
de policy shop.

Dese animals was born among de turkeys, in Turkdom, and
am ginerly brought up and edicated by de Arabian nites,
dey kan karry more burden den eny odder man, 'ceptin always
de Pilgrim Progress man. Dey kin go widout water from
Saturday nite till Sunday mornin, an not git dry, but den in
de mornin dey want dere bitters like odder peepils. De
camel, you black rogues, am mentioned in de big book, whar
it say dat it am harder for a rich man to enter de kingdom
ob hebbii^ dan it am for a camel to go trough d* I of a
needle. Now if dere am enybody I dispise in dis world, it
am a poor man— he'm a disgrace to de community, and or't
to be kicked out. I war poor once, myself, and I 'noe jis

THE FALL or MAN. 51

how mean dey lib, an I'm down on dem like sledge hammer,
bat I am sure you all feel glad you aint rich, kase you tink
your chances for hebbin am better off, but look out for your-
seffs, one ob dese days some body mite gib one ob you inder-
pendentfortun, and den whar will you be ? why, I know whar
you'll be, in two hoars arter you git de money: down^on
Coney Island, eatin clam soup, if in de summer time, and if
in de winter, ob course you go to de seller and treat all
hands to a shillin' bowl. But I hope none ob yau will be
'flicted wid" a fortune, kase no camel kin git in de I ob a
needle;'no more den a hog kin play de juce-harp.

You will please sing de useal ducksholiday, and wamose
as soon as de collecktion am counted, and not afore, kase a
good deal ob counterfeit bad sixpences and pennies hab bin
chiped upon me ob late, and I'm down on sich foolin.

LECTURE XIV.

THE FALL OF MAN.

Mt Belubed Herees :

You hab no dout herd many lexshures on, an many
preacher men spoke bout de

FALL DOWN OF MAN.

De poet liab sung elaborately on de subjeck — de painter
hab tutch it wid de faiery strokes ob de pencil — de most
eminent warriors hab wrote upon it — de newspapers hab
talked bout it — an it hab been a standin' puzzler to all

52 BLACK DIAMONDS.

debatin' societies since de kommencement ob time. But, in
my humble pinion, not one 6b dem hab trown de least lite
on de subjeck : £tn' darefore, arter burning' sebril quantities
ob midnite camphene iu de research arter facs in de kase, I
hab concluded to splain de hole matter, so as to set de
questshun at rest for eber arter.

YotI must not spose dat de poet means, wen he sez " de
fall ob man," dat de man Adam fell down on de ground by
stubbin l»e toe agin a stump^ or a stone in de Garden ob
Eden, or dat de apple he eat was komposed of sumpting
dat operated on de nee jints, an made dem so weak dat he
kudent stand ! for dat was not so.

You noe, Adam an Ebe was made ob human natur, an
placed in de Garden ob Eden, in de land ob paradise. Dis
garden was de most luxurious spot de earth eber produced.
Wen dey was turned loose in dis pasture, dey war told dat
all dis magnificent place war dares an nobody elses. Dey
war shown de big fig tree, war dey kood retrete from de
burning rays ob de sun at noon-day, an dey was sHown de
elegant bower made ob grape wines and honey-suckers,
warein dey kood lay down at nite an sleep in peace and
blissful innocence. But dey war also told dat all outside de
fence belonged to de owner dereof, an dey must not tuch
ennything beyond it, or dey would rue it as long as dey
libed, an a good wile arterwards.

In order to more fully splain how man kum to fall, I will
hab to diskribe de siterwashuu ob de garden itself

You see dis garden was on de top ob a high, steep, big
green hill, frequently called Mount Zion. Dis hill was sur-
rounded on all sides by a deep gully, an was fenced in at de
brink 6b dis gully by a slight inklosure. Well, one day
Adam and Ebe was takin a walk, an lookin ober de fence,
dey spied a moss lubly apple tree on de outside, wid apples

THE FALL OF MAN. 53

growin' on it dat shone in de sun like a new brass button in
a nigger's mouf. Wen Ebe see dem it.make her mouf water,
an she said to Adam, "Mylub, jis git one ob dem apples,
for me, will you ?"

" Shan't do it," said Adam, " kase dey don't belong
to us."

Jia at dis minnit a debil ob a big snake stuk he hed out
ob de branches, an sed —

" Look ahear, Mr. Adam, you must be green to say dat,
kase dar aint noboddy else in de 'world to eat dem but you
and Mrs. Adam, an ob korse dey am yours."

" Dat-'s a fack," said Ebe, '' so yon stop your nonsense,
an jus git up on de fence an reach me one ob dem apples 1"

" I don't like to,'' said Adam, " an, besides, I don't belebe
1 kood reach dem, dey am so far oif." •

" Well," said Ebe, " if you'm no more ob a ffian dan dat,
I'll do it mysef." So she got upon de fence, and de snake
gib her one ob de apples, an she in turn gib it to Adam, an
coaxed him to eat. He took a bite an found it so mitey
nice dat he jumped upon de fence, an den dar war a race
betwfeen him an Ebe to see who Iseod git de most ; an in de
struggle dey boff lost dar balance by reachin too fur, an
oberboard dey went down in de gully ob sin. Dey must
hab slid on der backs, kase dey am kalled de fust back-
sliders. Dis, my frens,,was de " Eall ob Man," laded to,
bekase dey was de fust man dat fell arter de kreashun ; an
dey woodent "hab fell if dey had not wanted wat dey otn't
to git.

Wat a lesson dis teeches all ob us who am discontented
wid our lot, and am grasping for tings beyond our reach.
Here was Adam an Ebe, wid all paradise afore dem, an
still dey war not satisfied; an jis so it am wid all human
natur.

Li BLACK DUMOKDS.

My belubcd herers, de only way to be happy am ^to be
kontent wid doin well. Let well enough alone, an, above
all, don't envy de success ob, nor injure your n-eighbor. De
world am big eniiff for eberybody, an plenty in it for all^if
we only tink so. Hopin' you may profit by my hints on
happiness, I will bid you all good nite, as soon as de kollec-
shun's taken up.

Mr. Whisker Ando Wiggins, de barber-shop man, will no
doubt honor de company by acceptin de intended donashuns
dis ebenin.

LECTURE XV.

FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.

My dear Ignorant hearers :

De subjeck for 'skushion dis ebenin will be one dat
I wish tickler tention pade to, 'kase it am one dat must
sooner or before interest you niitey much. You must be jis
as well 'qwainted wid de fac dat de French langwage, diem-
leck, or tongue, am gettin so mity common hBre 'mong de
" bong tong" dat nobody can swasheate in dat sphere at all
widout spoken it like a French book. When a waiter, a
chamberniade, or servant ob eny kind are wanted, de fust
question dey ax you am, " Pollij-woo-French-aV — kin- you
spoke French; and if you say you don't know what dem
dribin at, you will be turned out doors, as de most lowest

FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. 55

ob de wulgar. De French am inundatin' dis hole nation I
Go war you will you see de little romid-eyed mustachered
Frenchmen, who am courted by de ladies aud fondled jis
like a lap-dog. In fac tings am b'comin' so berry mush
French here, dat ef I don't hab my sallary raised to a libin'
pint soon, I'll set up a frog soupery, and teach de langwage
for a libin' .

Takin' dese tings into 'sideration, I tort it best to gib you
a few hints on de diamlect to-nite, so you kin spoke 'nuff to
let de people see dat yew wasn't born in de woods. If yew
all git out your note books, and put down wat I say in
French, to-morrow moraiu' yen kin' suffer ^t up, and git it
by heart. When you meet a lady 'fishently edemcated tO
spoke French (ab coarse you needn't trow away your larniii'
on de mail sex), you will unc^ress her wid "Bone saw!"
Dat means good ebenin. Den she will say, "Come, o wo port
wine," dat means how do you do ? Den you say, " Jinny
fought for leans," dats " I am pretty well marm.'' Den she
will as you " Kill novela av a beas 1" Dat means " Wat's
de news ?" Den you say, " Nous verrons." Dat means
Colonel .Webb's got home, and looks " distingeree.'' Den
when you turn to leabe, you trow lubin glances at her, and
bow yourself out, observin', " oh reservoy," dat means "good
bye.'? Wid dese few lessons, I tint yew kin git along, and
learn French widout a master. "Trees beam ; Allez vous le
Dialle C'ochon Kiskade de Sompray ; E JPluribws Christy,
Alle wo de frog chowder.'' De second claws ob my discorse
will, like a good many odder man's lecturs, hab notin to do
wid de fast ; but in dis claws I 'spectfully beg lebe to draw
your 'tention to somfin dat cum to my noUage dis-day, and
dat am de fac dat Elder Brockus was seen late lass Sunday
nite a slingTng heself round de corner ob Antony street
wid" dat yaller widder wat stole de big spoon out ob de sel-

56 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ler, wat dej' lable up de clam soup wid. I didn't noe wat
de ole darkey wanted wid iier, at sich a late hour, or wat he
wanted in- dat naborhood a tall ; so I called on him to-day
at de boot blackin' 'stablishment in Orange street, and put
it io him strate. He say he was argufying de case wid her
bout de spoon, and she say dat ant Wan Rumseller put a
tin sixpence on her, todder nite, and den she swore she
didn't, and den dere was a fite, and ole Anty Wan Rumseller
went to hit her ober de hed wid de spoon, and she grabbed
it out ob her hand and kept it.

All dis may be facs, but I warn all de young coUored men
to keep away from de yaller widder. She's a .scorcher.

Brudder Dolfin Smith will please take up de coUeckshun,
and look out for puter.

LBCTTJRE XVI.

spieitual rappees.

Laties and Geiimbn :

By de 'tickler inquest ob sebril ladies 'tached to dis
congregation I shall dis ebenin' distort my remarks for your
edication on de " Rochester Xookeks," and I must 'spress
my great sassagefaction ob seein' so many ob de fair sex
present on dis portant 'casion.

De Rochester ISfockers hab claimed de 'tention ob de pub-
lic mind for a year or two, and so excited de nerres ob Pro-

SPIRITUAL RAPPERS. 57

fessor Greeley, dat he immediately took to eatiu' beef-stake
and onions, instead ob de sa^-dust puddiii' ob Mr. -Graham
to raise his spunk 'flshently to unwestigate de matter in a
proper manner, in all its rawiificatians. De fast de world
ebber node ob Rochester Nockers was durin' de rain ob
Kiilg Charles de Second ob England. De fust Rochester
Nocker on record am de Earl ob Rochester, who is sed to
nock around more den eny udder man ob his time, specely
'mong de ladies. Dis gemraan was none to gib scbril nocks
on de head ob people who made it dere bisness to attend to
his instead ob dere own. Dey say he was one ob de nockers
when he got in a nluss ; he could always fite his wait, let
kim find it war he would. De next notice de public hab ob
Rochester ]S^ockers was in de village beariu' dat name, siti-
wated jis back ob Albany, war de House ob Kongress sets,
in de Kourt ob Sessions. Here a party ob high spirits con-
gregated, an' nocked tables an' chairs about in de most
misterious and promisquis manner, at a dollar a head; and
de fun ob it am, none ob de^e spirits can be seen; but dey
am like de good boys my grandfadder used to tell me 'bout,
" dey am heard but not seen." Dis fac set de country in a
blaze, an' sebril preacher mans lindertook to sleep in de
house war de "spirits" was a cuttin' up, but most ob dem
got enough ob it afore mornin', and came to breakfast so
agemtated, dat dey could not tell a sassage from a piece ob
eel, and dey always left, forgitin' to pay for dere logins;
howeber, as dis last claws is frequently noticed 'mong de
clergy, it may not be 'sidered strange in dis case.

Dere was a curious case ob Nockin 'curred in a cuUered
family in dat city one night lass winter, which may be set
down as bein' done by bad spirits. De facs ob de casfr am
dese :

Old Tone Smock married a putty, likely lookin' molatto
3*

58 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ga], most ten years his junitoe, and went and dwelt in dis
same town of Rochester, and one nite ole Tone was 'gaged
to sit up and watch at de house, war de nockers was a gibia
dere exhimbishions, and it so happened dat he got frighten-
ed, and run home in de middle ob de nite time, and swore
he'd neber hab notin' to do wid eny spirit, 'septin' dose ob
de most ardent character. When lie reached his house, he
put his hand true de broken paue ob glass, and onbolted de
dore, and in he went smack dab, as de Yankees say, into his
bed-room, which so skared his wife dat she hollar fire. In
de 'fusion he tort he hear somebody slip under de bed, but
he was so frightened wid de nockers, dat he daesent look
for fear he find a bad spirit. So he slipped off he close, and
he slipped into bed and covered he head wid de bed close,
shakin' like de reputation ob some ob de Wall street brqk-
ers. Well, he hadn't bin in bed long, and his wife had gis
finished sayin' she didn't b'lieve he was at de hunted house
a-tall, but had bin arter de gals, when he felt somefin' push
' up from under de bed dat feel jis like de back ob camel, and
at de same time he heard a knock on de floor, jis like a cul-
lered man's heel, and a noise as if somebody rush towards
de doe, and as he raised his head from under de close he
seed a tall dark figar slope out ob de house. Dis skared
him more dan eber, and he nily turned white.

" Wat's dat ?" he gasped to Mrs Smock.

" Wat ?" axed she, as innocent as chile.

" Dat big ting, jis lebe de house."

" I didn't see any big ting ; lay down ; does delish nock-
ers ober dere to Foxes set you crazy ; lay down ; notin'
bin here."

Well, Tone lay down, but not to sleep. He kipt his top
eye open, till daylite, when to his surprise and wonder he
seed a man's hat settin on de table. He sprang to de table,

A NEW EECirE FOB ilAKIXG QAS. 59

seized de hat, and spelt out de name of Deacon Smellgood,
on de lineiu'.

" Wat de debil brought Deacon Smellgood's hat here ?
Tell me quick, or I smash somebody," exclaimed ole Tone,
mad as tunder.

Mrs. Smock said de Deacon left it dere yesterday, to hab
her sow de linin in it, and dis petrified ole Tone, and he said
no more ;'but in a day or two he met de deacon, and widout
hesemtation nocked him down. A reglar fite come off, and
Tone was found to be one ob de best Rochester Nockers in
de hole digging. Dat's all I nose about de nockers. I don't
want to sinemwate notin agin de character ob Mrs Smock.
I don't noe notin about her. I don't noe whar she git her
shiney earrings and brespins, and sich tings"; dere's no noin'
whar dat new striped silk dress come from, nudder ; but I
shan't 'lucidate no more to-nite.

Brudder Blower will please hand round de sasser, and
remember dat we neber gib change back on no condishun.

LECTURE XVII,

a new kecipe for making sa3.

Belubed Brederen and Sisters :

De argument dis ebenin' are one ob de brightest sub-
jects dat can possibly be concebed ; an' aldo it are a light
one, you will pefcebe de necessity ob fully understandin' it
'mid odder more waity articles ; and widout furder prelunbi-
nary, I will at once succeed to you on de foolosofy ob de

60 BLACK DIAMONDS.

undertakia'. De subjeck, den, for dis ebenin' will be on de
manufacture and consumption of

GAS.

When I say gass, you musn't 'spose dat I mean de cam
fene gass dat am sold for gin in de tree cent grog shops ;
nor de gass used by de editors ob de daily papers wen dey
speak ob 'nexin' Kuba an' odder inflated planets; but de
gass I mean am ob de infernal regins wat used to be sitewated
in Center street, de gass house. De gass dat am made in
de gass house am sent trew ebery street in de city by " der
machine," jis like de hart trows de blood trow ebery wane
ob de human body, only not half so pleasant or reglar. Dey
used to make gass wen I was a stugent at de free school,
out ob tar and rosin ; and den de gass was much clearer
dan now-a-days, as it burned briter and, cost less ; but now
dey got makin' it wid coal and oder chemical commodities,
which make it cost more dan in de olden time ; and de
Lord nose it am much wurser dan it war den ; but dat's
notin, as long as it comes higher, an' am fashionable, de
people will use it.

Dere seems to be a mity big eel ob mistery.'bout de gass
bisiness. It burns by de feet, an' at a short meter rate ;
aldo de company hab a 'ticklar meter ob dere own, which
dey lends to ebery body who burns de gass, an' are willin to
pay a high rent for it. You will not find dis 'ticklar meter
in de music book ; but it am generally found behind de
doe or de counter ob de storekeepers. Dis article looks
little like a small sheet iron stove, an' has a face somefin' like
a clock, wid a long hand op it. Well, ebery month, a man
wid a book an' pencil in him hand comes round, an' arter
lookin' at de size ob de shop, and calculatin' de amount ob
bizness done by de owner, he bery mysteriously opens de

A NEW KECIPiS FOE MAKING GAS. 61

" 'tickler meter," an' as mysteriously chalks somefin down in
he book, an' lebes de store. In a day or two arter dat a
bill comes in, statin' dat de company will walk into you so
many feet. If you 'spostulate wid dem, an' say you neber
burned dat amount afore, dey will tell you " if yoa didn't you
ought to," an' dat if de bUl am not lickerdated at once, de
gass pipes will be " tuck up " afore nite. Now de queshun
am dis — am it rite dat de city fadders— de policemen, should
'low dere children to be 'posed on in dis triumfant manner ?
I answer in de most elefant manner — no 1 no 1 I But, says
some ob you, who keep oyster and barber's shops, war^s de
remedy ? Must we burti spirit gass an' ile till a man am
'leckted dat will 'liten de city on dat point on him own
hook ? ' Again, your 'spected lecturer answers elefantly —
no 1 Wat den ? Why make your own gas I am now
coming to de most skyantific porshun ob my discord, an' I
wish dat Mister William Henry Harrison Peters, an' Miss
Florinda Jemima Watts, will please stop gabblin' till I
'splain myself to de utmost capacity. I do wish people
would do dere coortin' at home.

I hab, my frens, been studyin' de art ob de manufacture
ob gass, to show you how easy it am made. I been reedin' all
de gassy writers since de days of Josephus, de ole closemaa
down to de days ob Professor Greeley, an' I is fully 'swaded
dat I nose all 'bout it, an', derefore, widout bein' gassy
myseff, I will 'splain how ebery body can make dere own
gass in dere own house. In de fuss place, you must get a
big iron pot, an' hab a kiber dat fit it 'zactly, den you put
in haflf peck ob tar, four quarts ob rossin, an' a peck ob
antecrite coal, an' den put on de, kiber, an' hang it ober a
fier ob forty-two degrees north latitude below zebra, by
ninety-four de oder way, an' bile it seben hours in de arter-
noon ; and den, wen it get to ten hundred an'- thirty-nine

62 BLACK DIAMONDS.

below the equinoxial line, nock a hole in de pot kiber, an'
stick in your gass pipe ; den run to de winder, turn on do
gass, an' lite it. Cat's de triumph ob genius ober de gas
. monopoly." Wat's dat Pete Williams axes ?

" 'Spose de gass won't lite, wat's to be done den ?"

Well, if de gas won't lite, dere must be some fault in de
ingredency, an' not in de manufacture, no how.

Your belubed lecturer hab offen been axed by de out-
.siders, wat we lite our lecture-room wid, an' I always tell
dem dat we rely on de bright eyes ob de lubly fair sex to
trow a hello ob lite round de room 'fishent for ordinary
purposes, wid de aid ob a few candles.

I shall take up de colleckshun myself dis week. Brudder
Beecher was 'posed on last week wid tin sixpences.

LECTURE XVIII.

GEOGHAPHT.

SiNSEAE Sinners :

Dis ebenin' I 'tend to spoke to you on a moss 'port-
ant subjeck — one dat forms one ob de great principals ob
'fined eddication an' 'lunor siance, an' while I am spoken
I hope dat Long Island Jake an' Miss Florinda Tompson
will stop a gigglin' an' lafBh', an' dat Bill Ledderhed will
stop crunchin' pea-nuts. I will now kummence summin'
up de bewties ob

g'ografy.
Gografy, my frens, ineens de longertude, lassertude, an'

GEOGRAPHY. 63

sitewasliun ob de earth, or de globe. Dat am, it tells you
'zfickly war you am, wedder in de tempereuce zone, or de
iritempereuce zofie, or wedder you am nie de equiii-oxtail
line, or in de heme.sfear. Derefore you kin see wid your eyes
shut de great tillutity bb bein' posted in de siance.

It will allers be a great stingma on de maccutcheon ob
fame ob dis country dat it war fuss diskiber'd by a furiner.
But, my innocent lams, sich am de fac.

In de year 9, arter de flood, a Spanyard by de name ob
Christopher Colum[)us, an' anudder named Uriah Westpusis,
togedder wid E Pluribus Unum, charters tree fishin' smacks,
an' started smack oif to see, an' arter .sebral lame 'tempts,
landed smack at Coney I'land. One ob de botes was named
de Sunflower, an' de odder de Plimin's Rock. Ole Colum-
pus, on dat 'casion, split de world in too, kase afore dat de
world war roun? an' in one ; but eber since dar hab bin too
hemesfears. He kiit de world in too wid de broad ax ob
siance, and healed de wound wid sibilization (not kuloni-
zation). When he 'ribed de native Ingins was a habin'
a dance on de beech, prior, prebious, before a goin in to
battle, an' when dey seed de botes a kumin' dey tort it war
sum ob de Jarsey pirates kumin to steel clams, an' when
one ob de Ingins axed dem whar dey kum from, an' ole
Chris, sed " Spain," dey war mitey riled, 'kase den dey
war sure dey kum from Jarsey, an' sum ob de Ingines
wanted to pitch into dem an' hab a fite ; but Mr. B
Pluribus Unum stood on de poop deck, an' hold up a Jack
Jumper, an' pulled de string at he tail, an' make him jump.
De Ingins seed dis, an' held up a big clam opened, which
ment dat dey war open for a trade wid de fnriners.

Well, den de hole krew landed, an' dey hab a jolly time.
Dey at once made a fire on de beech, put on de pot, an'
made a clam chowder, an' when it was done dey made sum

64 BLACK DIAMONDS.

whiskey punch, and gib it to de logins, an' got em all drunk;
den dey crack up a trade wid dem 'bout dis i'land, war dis
little York now stan's, inkludin' Long I'land, Statcn I'land,
Coney I'land, an' Williamsbug. De Ingins sold de hole ob
it to Columpus for a mere song, but what song it war history
don't say; but I 'speck it war " Yankee Doodle." Columpus
also, likewise, darfore, gub dem a Jack Jumper, a quart ob wins-
key, half a duzen brass watch chains, an' haff a peck ob finger
rings, ear-rings, nose-rings, an' Jewsharps ; dat was afore
de 'Talion Opera was 'stablished har, an' de natives didn't
noe much 'bout music. Well, den de Spf>nyards git a map
ob de hole country ob lan's, an' git it sined by de cheef Ko-
kum-ke-kn-kah, an' witnessed by Joe-jum-je-juce-ja, his luff-
tenant, an' Uriah Westpusis, an' E Pluribus Unum, an' den
he filled he botes full ob clams, an' set sale for home. When
he 'ribed dar, de king took he papers away from him, swin-
dled him out ob de Ian', and den went to work an' eat
all he clams up. You hab no dowt liurd a good deel afore
'bout Chris's hard useage arter he got home, but you neber
node de 'ticklers till now. When Cris foun' he clams war
all gone, he trode heseff away on bad segars, an' worse
toddies, an' he died broken hearted sumwhar 'bout de year
1494, or 'bout de sixty ob Bagdad, I forget now which: but
it war sumwars dar or darabouts.

Will Brudder JuHus J. Onson please to pass roun' -de
sasser.

LONG EAKS. 65

LECTURE XIX.

LONG EARS.

Deluded Followers :

De lab ob siance cams back to de mind ob your sus-
pected speaTser in all its glory, like de inosent hen to her
roost, an' darfor I shall 'splain to you on dis 'portant
'casion de 'culiar history ob de insex, none in pictur book by
de name ob de '

RABBET.

De rabbet, my fren's, ob ebery nation diifer de one from
de todder, 'kordin' to klimate an' nateral history. In Eng-
land dey am kall'd de hair, an' am almoss de same as de
native 'Merican. De Inglish an' de 'Merican rabbit am dif-
ferent from de Welch rabbit. De one am flesh an' blood,
an' de odder am toste an cheese, an' like an oyster, dey all
good, ef properly kooked.

Firstly, Dar am sebril kines ob rabbits in dis country,
'mong de different speshes ob which we find de buck, de he-
male, de shemale, de ole, de young, de wite, an' de brown
rabbet, all'ob wich am fleet ob foot an' quick on de heel,
'specially ef dey see a dog fuU tilt arter dem.

Secondly, Some darkies s'pose dat kase de rabbet hab got
big, long ears, dat he am de -jackasses baby ; but sich, I is
happy to say, am not de fac. A look at de size ob dar nar-
ratives wood at once sassagefry de most spectickle on dat
pint, kase Jack hab a long lankey narrative, wile de rabbet's
am short an' stumpy, wich he sartinly wears more for orna-
ment den use.

66 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Thirdly, De rabbet am not a kute bird, kase when he
see de hunter near arter him, he will run au' tick he bed in
a stone feuce, an' lebe all he body 'sposed to de clementcy
ob de wedder an' mankine. He am foolish 'nuff to s'pose
dat when he hod am 'skured he hole body am safe. But
de huiiter cum 'long an' see de stump narative a sti ;kin' out,
an' he ketches him jis as slick as I kateh dat bad Jim Jonson
puttiu' dat puter qua'ter in de sasser lass week.

Fourthly, De darkies like to kotch dese fellers an' make
cat soap ob dem, an' dey set all kines ob snares an' traps
for dem, jis like de fair sex offen sets for your suspected
speeker ; but I's de more kute a^' kunnin' den de rabbet,
kase I aint to be kotched dat way.

I hear a good nanagote once 'bout a ole darkey an' de
rabbet, an' aldo you mought hab hurd it afore, I will tell it
agin, in pint ob illustrashun. It 'pear from de records, dat
ole Jersey Simon set a trap an' kotched a rabbet, wich
tickled him almoss to deff. It was a fine, fat buck, as wild
and sassey as he cood 'tick. " Oh !" said Simon, " you'm a
good fat feller, an' I'll hab you stuff'd, an' make a roast pig
ob you, sure. No, I won't nedder ; I ge.^s I fry you like de
sassengers, bein' as de fat in you will fry you. iS''ow I cum
to tink 'bout it, as you am so mity fat, I tink you go best
bril'd."

All de wile Simon was 'dressin' dis interestin' talk to de
rabbet, he was a smoobin' him down an' feelin' him all ober,
an' he grin like monkey wid a hot chesnut, an' in de hite ob
his delite he undertake to toe an' heel a little bit, an' de
rabbet make a spring an' run away. Simon look arter him
wid he lower lip almoss on he bress, an' wh.^u he see he was
clear gone for sartin, he sing out to him, " Well, clar out; I
don't kar ; you warii'c so almity fat, arter all, an' jis like as
not you ole an' tuff." ^

LONG EARS. 67

FiftMy, Ef all mankine war to look on missfortune as dat
poor ole darkey did, de lunatick assilum wood hab to shut
up shop an' luff de keepers take a holiday.

Sixthly, De rabbet's nose am made ob sumfin like ingin-
rubber, for it keep a norin all de time, as ef he smelt sumfin
bad. I hab seen men an' wimmin keep dar nose turned up
all de time, as ef de tings on dis earth warn't good 'nuff for
'em, but dey'll fine tings 'nuff in de nex world dat will turn
up dar nose like a corkskrew.

Seventhly, De rabbets use dar noses for burrowin' in de
groun', war dey bild dar houses six stores deep, an' I under-
stan' from noein' ones datober twenty tousand ob dem was
'gaged by de abolishonest, when de undergrouu' railrode was
bilt, on wich dey run de runaway darkies from de Souff to
Kauada.

Eighthly, I shood like to noe wat's de reeson I war not
'wited to delibcr one ob de peepil's lecturs at de Tiiberuickel,
'long wid de rest ob de professors.

Brudder Greeley an' Brudder Beecher hab boff lectur'd,
an' dey neber ax'd me a tall ; an' har I hab been lecturin'
to de peeple for de lass year an' a haff, an' I'll bet a hunderd
clams dat I spoke to fifty times as nienny folks as edder one
ob dem. I tink de slite an' consult offer'd to your shepperd
shood be 'sented by my congregashun, an' call Greeley an'
Beeclier to account. Dey got a shillin' a hed from all dat
cum into de show, an' har I hab to 'pend on tin shillin's an'
bad pennies for support. An' den jis look at de nonsense
an' stuff dey git ober -for a shillin a hed, an' look at de
siance, larnin', resarch, an' solid chunks ob wisdom displayed
in my diskorses for tree sents. It must be looked into, as
Anty Clawson sed 'bout de bad clam.

Will Simon Augustu.s Arlington Batts please to tuck in
he ruffle shirt, an' pass roun' de sasser 1

68 BLACK DIAMONDS,

LECTURE XX.

MATRIMONY.

B'lubed Sisters an' Brudders :

As dis am walentine time ob de seeson, I tink it will
be a good 'pertunity to kompli wid aa inquest made to me
'bout two weeks' ago by a influeazical sister to lectur on de
'portant subjick ob

MATHIMONET.

An' darfore I shall distress you on dat pint dis ebenin'.

De State ob Matrimoney am konsidered by sum de happi-
est State in de Union, an' by odders it am tort de wisee
wersey. Siety seems diwided on de pint, an' dose dat hab
libed in de State de longest am down on ii, as well as Jar-
sey. What am one man's meat am anudder man's pizin, so
sez de Declarashun ob Independence, an' so we fin' all tru
life. De marrage tie am a berry fashunable tie; so am de
De Orsay's tie, whi«h tie de bucks tie in dar neckhankerchers
till dej am tired. De latter lass oney a day, but de former
got you roun' de neck for all time, till de day ob kingdum
kum. I don't noe dat I kin 'splain de little inns an' outs,
odds an' ends, ups an' downs, an' cr6sses ob matrimoney,
kase, like de ole maids, I neber enjoyed de foolisity ob de
State; but I will relate. a little suckemstance which 'curred
years ago, illustratud ob de life ob de marrid man, which
you all kan re-lie on much as you pleese.

Dar used to ,be a, old kullerd man, named Dobson, in dis
willage, who used to foller de doctorin' traid. He was much

MATRIMON'Y. 69,

siantifiek 'mong de sisters speshely, an' brudders perticklerly.
He used to make a kine ob klam soup out ob de gumumphy
root, hang dangling berries, alexcorapain, kanke larger, land
tnrkle and blue ruin, wid which he kured eberybody ob
eberyting, darfor he was kalled Dr. Dobson.

Well, de doctor used to kum to de seller to see Anty
Clawson, an' 'scuss siance wid me, an' drink root beer, an'
eat penny pies an' clam soup. Darfore, he-- cum 'quainted
wid me. Well, to cut a long tail short, as de man sed,
when he curtailed a dog, de doctor cum dar one nite all
dressed up, like fourth ob July, an' ax me how I like to
marry a cuppel dat ebenin'. I told ]iim "putty well," any-
ting for a 'onest libin', an' axed him who ^e peepil war ?
He sed he was de subjick, and de lady was out on de corner,
trimblin' like a stuck pig. I told him to go foch her in, an'
off he went. In 'bout haff a nour back he cum wid a yaller
lady 'bout haff he size, who blushed as much as sarcum-
stances wood admit, an' I stood dem one on one side ob de
stobe, an' de odder on de odder ; an' I axed dem ef dey war
willin' to yoke togedder for life, an' also likewise, ef dey
ebber had bin marred afore. De lady sed she had, but it
war so long ago dat she forgot all 'bout it. I ax her whar
her husband was, an' she sed he had gone ded five years
prebious afore.

■" What he die wid ?" I axed.

"De hospitel, sar,'' she sed.

" You meen he died in de hospital ; but what was de
matter wid his complaint ? What killed him ?"

" Oh 1 de skarlet shingles, I b'liebe," sed she. " Dey gib
him doctorum stuff, an' he swell up and died."

" Was he under de homeeinpackets, de allempackets, de
kold water doctor, or was he kured wid de root an' yarbs ?"
axed Doctor Dobson, tryin' to fine out de siance ob de kase.

TO BLACK DIAMONDS.

"Oh !"'sed she, "he wasn't under none ob dem fellers ;
he war under de hospital !"

I tort dat nuff, an' so I marred dem. As soon as de
sirahmoney was ober, de bride rushed out ob de|LoFe like a
joung deer, an' luff de bridegroom to foller arter alone. De
doctor laffed conclusively, an' observed dat de husban' shood
allers luff de bride hab her own way de fuss day, an' den he
gub me a baff a dollar, an' sod dat war all he kood do for
me dat nite; but as dey war gwane to take a weddin' tower
to Coney I'land, I mou't 'speck a bushel ob clams by de
steem bote.

Well, 'way he went, an' I nebber bar uoffin ob him, nor
de clams too, till 'bout a munth arter dat I war a settin' in
my sankto skunktoram in de seller, when in rushed Doctor
Dobson wid he eyes big as sassers, an' he hare standin' like
de.. syrup ob squills on de friteful porkempine, an' almoss
brefifless he sed,

" Perfesor, I cum for de deworse. I want de deworse.
Mary Ann am orful wench. She run "'way wid a he nigger
from Long I'land, an' I want de deworse. She troud de
straw bed on de fire, an' set de house in a lite consume.
She stole too haff dollers from me, an' clar out, an' I want
de deworse, an' dis nite too, else I hurt sumbody orful.

I told him dar was oney one way I kood deworse
dem, an'" dat war by tyin' a rope roun' boflf ob dar necks,
tie de odder end to a beam in de seller, an' luff em jump off
ob chares togedder. , De doctor look radder blue at my
way ob deworsin' peepil, but in a lam-like woise sed he war
" Reddy for de excurshun."

Now, my stingy hearers, yon see what a muss Doctor
Dobson got into by marryin' wid a yaller woman. Dar-
for I spoke unto you sayin', bewar de sexes. I don't want
de sistren to s'pose dat I'm down on de marryin' arrange-

MATRIMONY. 7 1

ment altogedder; 'kase I aitit, an' ef I war a Mormonite, I'd
hab a haff duzeii wifes in winter time, ef cole an' wlttles was
cheep 'naff to 'ford it. I feel more 'clined to matrimoney
sense I gji^o menny buiful walentines lass week. I shall
rede sum^pdera to you nex-time.

I recebe a hansum bresspin present from Sister Matilda
Morelippe, an' shall war it on dat port ant 'casiou 'luded to
in her spontanious letter, ef I get de inwatashun.

We'll klose de proseedin's by singin' de useal ducksholi-
day. Brudder Skreemer will -pleese set on de tune, Sister
Lutts will lead de terror, an' Tinkle Jake will cum in wid he
larrmitone woise, an' my singin' will be base. Ef Miss Flumix
will sing de alltoe on dis 'eaisiou, -she will do herseff
honor. Afore de singin', Theophilous Atrolphus Leviticus
Bux will pleese han' roun' de sasser.

ta BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTIJRB XXI.

TRUTH IN POETRY.

f

Deluded Sisters and Brudders :

I PROMISED in my lass lunch ob larnin' to reed to you
wot walentines I recebed from de sistren, an' darfor I doze's
de same! .

You, ob korse, all noe zackly wat de Wolen tine's day
meens. Ef not, I will tell you dat it meens courtin' times.
We find in de fuss edishun ob de book ob Tradisbun dat on
de 14tli ob Febyouairy de birds all mate an' git marrid,
Adam an' Ebe fashun. De ole crow, beiu' allers dressed in
black, is ginerly de ofisheatin parson at dese muptializa-
shuns ; but wat fees he ^et am not stated. Poetry war
inwented on de fuss Wolentine's Day, an', de fuss feeble
effort ob de poet am recorded dus — •

"Iq wintry wedder, »

Birds ob a fedder
* Will flock togedder," '

Dis war too much for de poor poet ; he tuck to drinkin'
sweeten'd milk, in order to cummit susanside, but, on de
contrary, got fits.

But I is off my tex. I sed I'd reed all de "Walentines dis
ebenin' dat war sent me ; but I fine sum ob dem 'tirely toq
rich for loud reedin', an' sum agin poor 'nuff to go to de poor
house. One sister rites dat she don't care for de lecturs.

TRUTH IN POETRY. T3

but she am in lub wid de speeker, an' she don't car who nose
it. Her 'pistol goes off wid dese lines —

" De raze ob lite dat flize
'» .. From your 'lectrio ize, ,

Spangles lik de shiain' sua,
Ef dey don't, why, I'm don."

I pity de poor woman, but I'ze too old a rooster to be
caught dat way. Anudder sister rites a few lines reflectin'
sewerely on my complexshun. She sez —

" De rose am red,
De wilet's blew,
De debil's black.
An' so am you,"

She better look to home. I don't b'lebe dar am eny kos-
metic or emetic yet diskuber'd dat,will change her skin or
karacter. De Wolentine dat sum sister sent, commencin'
wid —

" Hail, Kalumpus, happy lam.
Hail, yon hearers, seven horn'd ban."

am not 'riginal. I tink I got a faint recollexshun ob hearin'
dem at sum free an' easy, or sumwhar else. One ob de
Wolentines I resebe was from my washerwoman, statin' dat
I owe her for washin tree shirts. Now I neber had tree
shirts at once, an' I tink de ole woman want to cheat a little.
Dat she hab washed dis shirt tree times am a fae, but I aint
guane to pay for washin' tree shirts, when I didn't hab 'em to
wash no how. I myseff, indewidually, don't rite no lub stiiff to
de ladees. I work to 'lighten de minds an' de pockets ob de
peeple, an' I tink it will be succeeded to me from all quar-
ters dat I lightem de one as much as de odder.

4

'r4 BLACK DIAMONDS.

I hab rote a song for de peeple, which dey may send to
John Bull, ef dey choose, as a Wolentine dun up in turpen-
tine or an enwelop, I don't kar which. Brudder Greeley
hab bin a lecturin' on de World's Fair, an' darfor I like to
hab sumfin' to say 'bout dat myseflf, an' har it am —

SONG FOR DE PEEPIL.
No. 1.

DE world's FAIK.

Air — " Han* de banjo down to play."

Prince Albert bilt a house ob glass.

An' sent de inwertashun
To all merohanios, young an' ole,

Ob ebery kind an' nashun.
To fotch dar new machinery,

An' spred it in a row,
Wid de fancy cakes an' furbaloes.
To make a mitey show.

Chorus — Den hurra! for Albert's mitey show
It 'couraged inginuity,
An' made de workin' man to noe
He's de salt ob dis community.

Den France, an' Spain, an' Itterley,

Afric, Turkey, an' Japan,
All sent in dar commodities,

An' tort dey'd leed de wan.
John Bull, he feel so mitey proud,

An' chuckled in he heart.
When he se'd de Yankees didn't fill

De quarter ob dar part.

Chorus— Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &o.

But, Jonathan, he sat an' grin.

An' tuck John by surprise,
To see dat more dan haff he brot

Had won de biggest prize.

TRUTH IN POETRY. t6

Our churns now make dar butter,

Our maoheens cut all dar grain ;
We hugk dar corn, we trash dar wheat,

An' beat dem on de main.

Chorus — Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &o.

When John Bull seen us take de prize,

He sed, " Sich tings as dese
Am bery easy to Inwent,

But still we rule de sees."
Den Jonathan he snickered out,

An' spoke to John aside,
Sed he, " I got a skow out here,

S'pose-we take a ride?"

Chorus — ^Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &c.

Cow Bay war full ob all de botes

Ob all de clubs in town.
An' dar, wid flag an' sail unfurled,

Lay de 'Merica ob renown.
Dey started wid a libely breeze,

Away dey all did fly :
But none ob dem dar cood perwent

Our Jonathan passing by.

Chorus — Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &c.

Massa Cunard bilt de steamship

To cross de ragin' deep.
An' when she went in thirteen days,

She 'nocked us in a heep.
But Collins bilt anudder bote,

Dat cross de pond in nine,
An' John Bull wonders how it am

De Yankees beet his time.

Chorus — Den hurra ! for Albert's mitey show, &o.

Dat's wot I call trnff an' poetry combined ; a good deel
ob de one, an' moss all ob de odder. One Ob de brudderin in

76 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Neiv Orleans hab written a long letter to me 'bout " cat
fish," an' " Simon Bines," which shall be duly laid under de
table an' considered, as dey say in company meetin's.

Anudder sister wants to noe ef de Doctor Dobson spoked
ob lass week war de Dobson dat lib in de one story house
ob a yaller woman in Williamsburg. I don't tink it am,
kase de doctor died afore dat town cood boste ob eben a gin
shop.

De duty ob handiu roun' de sasser will dissolbe on Brudder
Sam Morelippe, brudder to Sister Matilda Morelippe.

LECTURE XXII.

ANATOMY.

Hardened Sinners :

To noe dyself am one ob de fust and most 'portant
laws ob de State ob 'Merica, derefore I shall dis ebenin
lucidate on de poplar subjick ob

A-NATOMY.

Anatomy, my poor ignorant frens, am de bones, muzzles,
wains and sinners ob de human body ; and eberybody am
human body, colored man an Injin 'eluded.

I shall commence at de head ob de subjeck, and ascend-
ingly go down to de foots, and splaiu tings as I go 'long.
Fustly, den, I 'tack de brane, which lay on top ob de coco-
nuu in a pau furnished for de purpose, called de braae pan.

axatomt. 77

Dis lays alongside ob an odder pan called de tinpannm ob
de ear, which am so called, from de fac dat it enables us to
hear different kinds ob sounds ; dere am nudder pan iu de
human body, and dat's de neepaii, and when all dese pans
am shut de human body am ready to go oif, specaly if de
human body hab got a load on. We next come to de troat,
which am made ob somefin like gutta percha, called lamfatix
glands, which terminates at de borax, and runs into de
juglers wane. Some feller's troat am bigger den odder
fellers, and dey drink more bad rum and eat more, which
catastrofy am all owein to de size ob de swaller.

De hart am de next.

Dere am two parts ob de hart, and it works in de human
body jis like steam injine. It forces.de blood to ebery part
ob de ramification, eben to de hair, and dat am wat makes
so many red heads. It lays rite under de lungs, whar de
peeples hab de culenary consumshun ; rite below dese am
sitewated de diagram, which am fall ob holes, jis like a sibe.
Dis ting am what keeps de stomack in its proper function,
and allows de gastrick jewsos to oberflow de jnbebus and
fall into de pizariugtum, all ober de oilfactory nerbes, and
sometimes deranges de whole apparatus, and de human
body git sick, send for de doctor man, and funeral expenses
hab to be paid by de poor-house.

Dere must be a biler in de human body somewar, kase I
hear de doctors talk so much 'bout complaints beiV owin' to
de bile, and I'll find it out if I hab to go to de Anatomical
Museum to do it. De longest bone in de hole structure am
called de spine ; dis runs horozontaly, dogmaticaly, and
catolically long de back bone, as far up as de back-ob-de-
neck-a-buss. Dis bone am full ob little jintes, and am de
tenderest bone to fool wid, 'septin' de shin bone, in de whole
sistem.

78 BLACK DIAMONDS.

De action ob de food will, in all probabiliemity, be mitey
mterestin' to you all ; derefor I will close my discord by
gibin' you a 'scription ob de same. You see sister Mussy
eatin' dat apple dar, and trowin' de skins on de floor.
' Well, dat apple pass fust true de lumf-at-ox glans' ob de
troat, down de borax, to de diagram, into de stomjack ;
"dere it am diegested into de gastrick juce, and passes into
de jubams, tro' de anamal canal and kiuga akeduck, into
de pizaringtum, and is dere lost among de infernal regions
ob de corporation. Ah, my poor darkened hearers, dis am
a subjeck dat few understand ; and I would hab been jis
at stoopid as you all if I loafed round de warfs, and suck
'lasses from de barrels, like as I seed Pete Bolus adoin' lass
week. Dis runnin'-round de warf arter de sweets ob'life
will nebor fill de head wid useless knowledge I

Brudder Bromfoozle will please hand round de sasser ; I
didn't git 'nuff lass week to buy me backer wid, so shell out
dis time.

ASTKONOMT. 79

LECTURE XXIII.

ASTRONOMY.

Dabkened Disciples :

Your worthy subscriber will 'lighten your bedimed
wisionary organs dis ebening on one ob de moss 'fulgint sub-
jicks dat man or woman kind eber listened to. I shall
splanify de great siance ob

ASS-TRONOMT.

You must not spose, you hardened sinners, dat I is one
ob dem gifted sight seers, or one ob dem wicked fortia
tellers, kase I is guane to read de stars, for you noe dat ass-
tronomy means de siance ob how to read de stars in de
middle ob de nite time.

Dere am sebril kinds ob stars in de furmanend. Some,
about de size ob de head ob a brass nale, an' dey grow
larger till dey git as big as a soger's button. It am a most
beaufull site, ob a cold nite, to stand out doors, raped up in
notin but enthusiasm, an' gaze pon de starry sky, studded
wid angel's eyes, all lookin down on you, to see what you am
a doin on dis arth, and how you fool around de wimon.

Dere am some comits (and some come-its too), wid long
tales/ which I shall 'lude to bom buy.

De milkey way, which you no doubt hear a good deel
'bout, runs doo nort, west, and souf, clar from away down
below de Battery, clar up to Orange county, and dat's de
reason it am called de milkey way. Der am anndder kind

80 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ob milkey whey dat I will sometime or odder splanify to
yon.

De fust bright star dat was diskibbered was found out
drue de aid ob a double-barrel'd skyglass, by a Jew ob de
antshent times, named Peter, aud was named arter him
(Jewpeter) in a complimentary benefit at de time. De next
was Mercury, but we only see dat shine on Sunday mornin
in dis city; it am brite as de britest. Wenus am de star ob
lub, and always shine britest in healthy warm climates.
Mars am de star dat gides de soger man in de dark rode to
glory, hallelujah, and E pluribus unum am anudder ob de
same family.

De nex planit dat I shall call to your notice, on dis 'por-
tant 'casion, will be de moon. You hab, no doubt, all seen
dis planit so often dat it needs no 'tickler description from
your learned lecturer dis ebeuing.

De moon is s'posed by meny ignumrent peeples to be made
ob green cheese, but dat logick am 'roneous and false.
Odders tink it am a big tin pan, hung out ob de inwissable
winders ob hebin, wid a lamp hung in frunt to make it shine,
like de Dremmond lite on de top ob Mr. Barnum's Museum,
and de reason dat we don't see it all de time am bckase it
am taken in ebery now and den to get scowered, kase de
nite air gits it rusty, and it must be cleaned.

Sich stories am also a lie. Dere am no foolosefer dat hab
diskibered zackly wat de moon am made ob, but de opinion
of your 'litened laborer am dis. I look 'pon de moon as de
little crystial palace, in which de god ob Inb, little bare
faced Cupid, libs, kase you all noe dat de moment a human
critter falls in lub dey find de greatest delite in loafin about
moonlite nites, and gazing on de beufill orb, wid de most
intense anxiety, as if dey 'spected to find out somefin dereby
condusive to dere happyness Sometimes dese peoples am

ASTRONOMY. 81

called moon struck. De moon struck me one nite as bein
berry brite and liansome, but it 'fected Sister Hufferman
bery different. Shewas comin home late from a ball in de
mooulite vvid de yang cuUored man she danced wid last, and
it am s'posed she must liab fell in lub wid him, aldo she
complained ob feeliu' bad rite arter supper. Some ob de
gossips dere sez she ete more den haff of a 'possum dat was
serbed up on dis tickler 'casion. Well, as dey were walkfu'
'long home she fainted in de cullored man's arms, gis as dey
got to de corner ob de alley dat she honored wid her resi-
dence. Dis skared de young he feller, and he dragged her
in de house, roused all de family, laid her on de floe, sent a
half-a-dozen arter as menny docktors, an' den rushed for one
heseff. Dey all got back wid de different doctors at about
one time, and now de berry debil was to pay; kase not one
would 'scribe for her till all de rest was turned away, and
at last dey got in a row. De Alopatist said she must be
bleed in both arms, leeched wid forty-two leaches in de back
ob de neck, and a blister ob Spanish flyes must be put on all
ober de abominable regions ob de stumjack, and twelve grains
ob calomal ebery hour. De Horaopatist said dat she
wouldetft lib under de operation, and dat all she had to do
was take as much ob a little powder dat he hab in he
pocket-book as dey could put on de pint ob a needle, an
trow it in a sist'rn ob rain water, an' take two drop ebery
odder Monday nite, at haff-past ten presisely, an' let her
hab a smell ob camfor ebery few days in de interum (I
'spect de interum means de nose). Dis made de warter-cure
doctor mad. He wished to noe wat rite de homapatist hab
to order a sist'rn ob rain water under enny sarcumstances ?
De rite to dat, he said, was his only. He went on to advise
de pashent to hab a rope tied to her heels, an' be sowsed in
de sistren gebral times a day, on an empty stumjack, den

4*

82 BLACK DIAMONDS.

take a refreshin' shower-bath ebery twenty rainits; an' he

told dem how to fix up de shower-bath, by settin' de pashunt

on de front stoop, an' pourin' a barrel ob cold water on her

head, from de third storey windoes. De Tompsonin doctor

said all de woman wanted was two or tree ^ood emitics, an'

a hot steem-bath, a hundred an' eighty-seben 'grees above

alonzo; an' he told dem neber to send for a Tompsonian

doctor till dey put de biler on fust. -

So de whole ob dem got a-jawiu' true one anodder, an'

in de middel ob de muss, de yung womon come two, an' was

as mad as blazes to see sich crowd round her, and she

clar'd de house in a little less den no time, an' de doctors

f
arter insultin' each odder togedder, come to de 'elusion dat

Sister Hofierman must'hab been moon struck, an' notin' else.

Ah! my fren's, dis big round moon plays de debel wid

weakly-headed people, sometimes.

Will Brudder Thomas Benton Squash please pass round

de sasser.

ABOUT THE MOSKEETO KINGDOM. 83

LECTURE XXIV.

about the muskeeto kingdom.

Mt Dear Woolly Heads :

My lectur dis ebenin will be on de. Manners an' de
Fashions, de Costumes an National Character oh de Oderifer-
ous Country, known on de geolomical maps ob de arth as de

MOSKEETO KINGDOM.

Dis kingdom am siterwated away down souff, below war
Dickson's line ob stages run to. It am way down de Mis-
sippee, in de logatude 383 97, laffertude 9, under de tem-
perance fluid zone. De best way to get dere am to take a
caual boat from bar to Buffalo, on to de Hio, den to Ohiugo
Lake, to Panamrass; from dere you go to Ismarass, on to
Shagemrass; den you get on a jackemass, and ride into de
Calafernia regions, git into a Chinese cbunk, and go on to
de Gipsin Pyrimids, take a one-hoss wagon ober de plank
rode to de side ob de harbor ob de Moskeeter Kingdom;
den you git on board de ferry boat, and cross rite ober into
de place, and dere you am, high and dry, like an' Irishman
biles his potatoes.

When you ribe dere you will find de park full ob omni-
busses to take you to de king's palace, de high bridge, and
odder poor-houses.

De king ob dis kingdom am a he colored man, and a mitey
big one at dat. He stands ten foot six, or six foot ten, I
forgit now wich; but him a mity great soger man. His

84

BLACK nUMONDS.

unicorn consists ob a second-liaad-me-dowu Britisli ossifer's
blood red soger coat, a pair ob spurs, and a tall be^'-skin
cap, wid a red and white fedder, a yard and seben inches
and-a-half long, and a pair ob moustachoes. Him 'seediuly
popular JLS now 'raong his 'stituents, kase he lately sent out
his whole army ob eight colored sogers, and tuck up all de
ole wimons, and poor deluded crippels, who had 'barked in
de peanut line; and den he had de wiskers of de dandies cut
off, kase dey stuck out an inch or two beyond de mark laid
down in de proceedin's ob de common scoundrels, and odder
laws 'fectin' siety. De war on de peanut stands pleased de
big bugs, an' de war on de wiskers pleased de poor poperla-
tion, and hence his great popelarity.

De principal wegetation ob de island am 'skeeters, and
dats de reason it am called 'Skeeter kingdom. Dese critters
grow to about de size ob our chicken hawks, and dey lib in
bee-hibes, and ebey hibe hab got agrindstone 'tached to it,
where de 'Skeeters sharpen defe bills when dey hear ob de
ribal ob a furener in de Selestial Empire.

De Skeeters am berry tick at all times here. De natives
hab to carry a tin horn wid dem to blow dem' away, so dey
can see when it am dinner time. De people lib principally
on sider spirits, skunk's cabbage, and jerked beef. I never
seed any jerked beef but once, and dat was a shin ob beef
Sam Cuggo jerked off a butcher stall in Cofarine Ma.rket,
tudder Saturday nite. De papers say dat de manners ob
de people am decidedly gross, derefore I tink a man ob
genis, like Cap'n Coggy, would do well dere, if he upset a
gross-ery.

When yow git in dis kingdom you can hab jis as many
wives as you can afford to keep, and you needn't advertise
for a bordin house, widout reference, to lib in, kase any hut
takes in lodgers, but dere am bery few sleepers found in eny

THE BUCK. 85

ob dese houses. De country, as it stands, aint worth much,
else it woiild bab bin 'nexed to dis long ago. But England
habiu notin else for her navy to do jis now, am sending wes-
sels dere to scrape acquaintance wid de 'Skeeter king, and
see how de land lays. De compliments dat pass between de
British orsifers and his 'lustrus highness am 'nuff to sicken
all porkdom. I understand dat a committee ob de hole
colored folks ob dis city am pinted to send his 'lustrious
highness a inwitation to cum on here and wisit ^e soup
house, and odder public substitutions. I 'spect to be on
hand on dat 'portant 'casiou, and I now send Brudder Bose
around wid de sasser, hoping to raise 'ficient money to lay
in a five dollar suit in time.

LECTURE XXV.

DE BUCK.

Fellow Trablers trew dis Whale ob Tears :

I shall draw my discord dis ebeninirom de works ob
Mr. Goldsmif on de wild beasteses, and shall debber to
liten your intellect on de Kfe, character, and occupation ob

de buck.

You must noe dat dere am sebral kinds ob bucks — de
buck rabbit, de buck soger, de bock goat, de buck torn
cat, de buck ram ; dere am two kind ob buck rams : — one
am de sheep, and de oder am found ginerally mong de tail-
ors, for dese people use him to make de coat collars stiff ;

86 BLACK DIAMONDS.

den dere am de de man buck dat you see swelling down
Broadway, buried betuene two yards ob shirt collar ; den
dere's de buck nigger wot swells out on Sunday arternoons
in he master's clothes, when he master happen to be out
ob town ; but I don't mean any ob dese fellers, kase dey got
no character or occupashun wort speakin bont.

You must not mistake de buck man for de buck goat,
aldo dey look berry much alike about de face, kase dey boff
got mitey long beards. You will noe de buck man by
he's alers habing a segar in he mouth, de smoke ob
which he puffs in people's faces as dey pass him in de treet.

He differ from de buck goat in an nodder spect too, kase
de clothes dat de buck goat wear he come honestly by,
while de clothes ob de odder anamal de tailor often sufflei'
for, kase he gets cheated out ob de same ; but I aint
lecturin on de buck de tailors made, but on de buck de Lord
ob human nature made in de year 1, and sent him in de
woods to be de companion and husband to de doe.

De buck, my ignorant hearers, am bout de size ob a
yearling heffer, only much more beautifuller made at
all pints. His feet differs immediately from de cullured
man's in size and shape, dey being small for dere size
and round for der formation. His skin, which am sleek,
and shines like -a puter dollar in a swill tub, am bout
de culler ob a grizly, gray, brown rat, and is mity nice,
soft, and silky to feel ob, but dey wont let you feel em
much, less yon catch em fast asleep in de middle ob de
day time.

De buck may be classed, if he was fit to go to school,
between de bull and de race horse, for he can beat all
creashun on a long run, which smack ob de race horse,
and dat make him a buUey on de track, and hence resem-
bles de bull. He am de only animal dat has beat de

THE BUCK. 87

telegraph to any great extent. De inguns use him for
carrying de males from one wigwam to de odder, same as we
nse de steam loferfotive for de same purpose. Mr. Ingun,
as he jump 'pon his back, cotches hold ob his horns, and
stears him strait true de woods, and hke Brandeth Pills,
dey find dere way out in a short time. He head am de most
beautiful! part ob he countenance, if he'd only keep his nose
clean. He hab horns on he head, which begin to grow bout
de third month arter marriage wid Miss Doe, and de older
he grow de biggar dey git, until dey git as long as a dull
leader in de noosepapers.

Dis kritter, you all know, you ungrateful! scau;ps, am de
wensen dat you hear 'bout, and sometimes smell when you
go past de fashionable eatin' houses I De hind quarters am
considered de b^st part, but "dareby hangs a tail," as
de 'posel Shakespere said 'bout de play-house. Wensen,
my friends, am deer meat ; it am worth 20c. a pound,' and
when it am fried in a fryin' pan, it looks for all de world jis
Hke shces ob Ingun rubber biled down in molasses, and
smells like de same, specially in dog days time.

De occupation ob de buck am like odder people's, who
hab to pick up a libin as dey go along trew life, and his
character stands A Xo. 1 among de sportin' gentry ; for
we often hear ob dese gemmen riding all day gis to get
in company mid one ob em; he am, in fact, much sort
arter ; but, like a Subbern nigger, he don't 'pear to return
dere affections in de least, for he no sooner hears or sees
dem arter him, den he sticks him nose rite strate afore him,
and trowin' his horn on he back, lifts up he tail, and shows
his agility in a most surprising manner. When de gents
find dat he don't want to suasheate wid dem, dey generally
send a bullet-due arter him, on de reception ob which he
merely stops, and allows heseff to be conducted to whereber

88 Bl,ACK DIAMONDS.

dey wish to take him. Dis, my friends, is all I can find out
'bout de buck. It's a skittish subjeck, and I tink you ort
to be mighty proud ob your suspected lecturer dis ebetiing.
Brudder Wose will please pass round de sasser, and look
out for de California lumps.

LECTritE XXVI.

DEEP REFLECTIONS.

Lambaci-ous Hearers —

I FIND 'pon lookin' abroad on de expcnce ob creashun,
dat no one man war ebber found dat cood please eberybody.
No matter how good a deciple a man may be — no matter
how hard he may toil to pleese all, or how nigh he may cum
to doin' it ; still dar will be found some antibilious chap,
whose sentements does not agree wid de-ress ob mankind,
an' he am dissatisfied wid de world in general, an' somebody
in partickler. Sich^a koonas dis I hab jis foun' out, an' he
will hear find dat I hab noticed his 'pistel to me.

You all recomleck dat 'bout two weeks and a fortnite ago
I lectured on Mr. Azteck's children, au' gub it as my 'pinion
dat dey cum from Jarsey, an' gub my reesons for sposiry de
same. Well, wood you b'lebe it ? Dar am sum feller,
hailin' from dat orfnl country, who want to pick up a muss
wid your long suspected speeker in consequence darof. He
sez he am a Jarseyman, and won't stand it ; I tell him I'm
anudder, an' will stand it, an' har de argement stans arter
he second letter to me. He talks ob swords at fifty paces.

DEEP KEFLECTIOKS. 89

I say luff him cum, ef it's a hunderd paces. I don't care,
when my blud's up. Nex ting I speck he'll freten to pros-
titute me for breech ob promise, an' now I tink ob it, I tiuk
I can sue dis coogregashun for de breeches dey promised me
two weeks ago, an' nebber keep de promise a tall. Dat, I
tiuk am a clar promice ob breeches, ef not a breech ob pro-
mise, an' will cum under de iron statue ob de law, an' you
ort to be ashamed ob youseffs to luff you ole lectural sarbent
go fru de town Ipokin' like a turkey buzzard.

Dar am.anudder discontented disciple rote to me lass week
to noe what am my pollyticks, an' 'quests me to refine my
own position on my own platform, an' adds dat I am excum-
sizin' a greater influenza on de public mind dan peeple am
awar ob. Did you eber har sich nonsence ? But I'll anser
dem 'quiries to sassegefry de brudder.

Fustly, I'm authordocks all obef — b'lebein in tings as dey
am, tinkin', wid de 'posel Shakspeer, dat all tings am better,
am it am.

Secondly, As 'gards pollyticks, I'm a conserbatur belong-
in' to buff parties. I'm a Noddern man wid Suddern imper-
dence, an' a Suddern man wid Noddern cumplaints. I go
for de bess man for orfice, an' I 'spect to git into de Custom
House, poor house, or betterin' house ; I don't noe which
yet meseff, but I'm a caddy date for all. I wood be a alder-
man, but as dat am equibelent to bein' ritten down an ass
by de noosepapers, I refuse from offerin' myseff for de
sufferin' ob de peepil.

' As to my kreed I don't bleebe my refactory frend will
like it, but as he calls for it, I will reed ober de articles, as
de tailor sed, when he persented his bill, tree yards long to
de dandy.

Fust, I blebe in laffin, kase it eases de conshunce, aids
digestion, and laxitudes de muzzle ob de face.

90 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Secondly, I don't blebe in cryin', kase it am a fringement
on de water laws ob de human body, makes a feller rinkel
•^up he countenance in an orful manner, an' siles de pocket
hankershings.

Thirdly, I'm principald aginst gittin up in de mornin'
afore de bell rings for brexfust, alway perwidin I got a
brexfuss to git up to, an' I tink it best not to quit de table
as long as dar am anyting to eat.

Fourthly, I'm too tinder harted to see a feller cretur
suffer fisical or povertica.1 sufferin', an' darfor when I meet
enybody in distress, I git out ob dar way as soon as possa-
ble. De Almanac sez dat's benebolence, an' I speck it am.

Fifthly, I nebber tink it worf while to mind my own
bizness, as long as I can find enybody's else's dat I tink ort
to be quired into. Else, how in natur wood I find out de
chunks ob siance.

Sixthly, T belebe dat as long as a man can pay he dets,
he am a good feller, an' when he can't he am a scounderl.
Dat's de way de world go, an' ob corse I go wid it.

Seventhly, I neber swasheate wid de wite trash no how,
an nebbfer dine out, ef de famely don't hab clam soup for
edder de dinner or de puddin.

Eightly, and lastly, I nebber work as long as I can lib
widout it.

Dar, dat's my kreed. Ef it sutes you, well an' good ; ef
not, good an well.

I hab jis fooled 'way dis ebenin' anserin' dem noisy mem-
bers, an' hab not delibered de lectur I 'tended to do ; but
nex week I will make up for all delinquints. Pussonal
matters I allers did disgus, but day will " cum ober us like
summer toad, widout our speckeld gander," as Mr. Macbeth
sed to de murdered Donkey.

Will Brudder Jake Harrington pleese pass round de sasser?

DOGMATIC. 91

LECTURE XXVII.

DOGMATIC.
EEBELUOTJd SCOKPIANS

Hae I is agin, wid a wagon lode ob siance, which I
is reddy to unlode for de wancement ob wisdom. As sich
full 'tendence as dis 'sures me dat my Herculian efforts to
enlarge your dark understandins am well depresiated, I shall
continue to hold fort till I lick all de sin out ob you, or
take de shirts off your backs an' ebery penny out your
pockets.

I war rumenatin' todder nite, dat is, foolosifizein on tings
in general, an' de almanack in partickler, kase I find in dat
book dat it sez dat " nofin war created in wain." Dat set
me to tinkin' on human natur, an' woman natur (which
naturs, I blebe, am two distink kinds ob natur), an' I cum
to de 'elusion dat de ole almanack lie dis time like a wite
man. I shood raley like to noe wat good de bed-bugs an'
flees, an' de big bugs am made for ? An^ wat use edder ob
dem am to dis community ? De more I cogetate de matter
ober, de more I blebe dat dar am menny tings created,
" 'gardless ob expense an truble," dat am ob no use to dem-
seffs nor nobody else, an' when I don't blebe it

" Chasehoss am cum agin ! "

as Brig a dig-Gen. Othello sed to lagrum., when he cotched
him a fooliu round Desdamonerum.

When de preecher man wants to cornwinch he hearers ob

92 BLACK DIAilO-N'SS.

enny tickler fack, he allers tells dem a putty story, in order
to do de same. Darfor I will tell you a annygote to
probe to you dat my pinion am founderd on a chunk ob
wisdom as hard an' as big as de rock ob Gibit's Altar.
De story am 'bout an ole cullard man, an' he noein' dog.
You see dar war a black man in Ole Warginia, named Tone,
dat owned de humblest dog de eye ob man or beest ebber
beheld. He war so hnmbley dat he coodii't shut he eyes
widout hurtiiV he countenance:, an' what war a little curious
'bout dis dog war de feck dat he messured from de tip ob
he tail to de cold spot on he nose, jis as much as he rae.s-
sured from de cold spot on he nose to de tip ob Jie tail.
Dis singelarity, ob corse, make him a great curiosity town
meetin' days. But dis didn't make a " dif a bitterence " to
de owner, who lubed him jis as much as ef he war ob a
kuller node in de wokabdlary ob tints, an war as well
shaped as enny odder common dog. Well, ole Tone war'
offin seen a trainin' he dog in de woods alone by heseff, an'
eberybody got to noe dat be war a great dog. One day a
berry rich sportin' gemman who happend to hear ob de dog,
sent a rambassader to ax de price ob him, an ef he war a
good 'coon dog ?

" Oh, yes, mastr'um, I got de dog you want. He'm a
fuss-rate 'coon dog, an' he sute de gemman all ober," sed
ole Tone.

" How much do you want for him ?" axed de rambassader.

" Well, I ort to git ten dollars for dat dog, kase he mus'
be one ob de bes' 'coon dogs in de hole naborhood."

De bargin war struck, an ole Tone war so mity pleesed
dat he laffed 'way down in he boots. De gemman took de
dog an' left, an' in less dan an hour Tone war drunk at de
tabern, an' bragin to eberybody 'bout de price he git for de
anamil. Well, time don't stop in Ole Warginia no more

DOGMATIC. 93

den hear, an' it roll'd on for 'bout a week, when de rambas-
sader come back wid de dog, as mad as blazes ; an' on
meetin' Tone he grab him by de koller, an sed —

" Look here, you 'furnal, cheatiu', black raskal, you sold
me dis son ob a cur for a fuss-rate 'coon dog."

" Well, ain't he ?" 'quired Tone, " by Ginger, I tort he
war."

" You tort he war. You told me he war, an' I have been
out two days wid him, an' de moment he sees a coon he runs
away from him. Now, what cood make you link he war
good at huDtin' 'coons ?"

" Well, now, look a here, mastrum. Don't be so mitey
mad, an' I'll tell you wat made me tink he war good for
huntin' de 'coon. I read in de almanack dat eberyting am
made fur sum purpose, an' I bin a-tryin' dat dog at ebery-
ting under hebbin, 'ceptin' 'coon huntin', an' he warn't worf
a ledder button at all I tried him on, and so I tort dat he
must be good at dat, as he warn't at nufiSn else, an' I 'eluded
dai he war manerfactered on purpose for it."

Well, my frens, don't dat sassagefry you dat I'm rite ?
Now I ax, in de name ob all daVs sweet, what was dat dog
good for ? Nitfin ! But dis one am not de only puppy in
dis community dat am walued at de same high price.

My nex lectur' will be my twenty-eight, on which 'casion
de seller will be 'luminated wid six "penny candles, an' my
motto, " Honesty, independence and wartue," will be frown
to de breeze. A man possessin' dese tree ingredients can
lib in happiness as long as clams am eighteenpence a hun-
derd.

Brudder Dan Pinchback will be honored by passen round
de sasser dis ebenin'.

u

BLACK DIAMONDS.

LEOTUEB XXVIII.

THE VAMPIKE.

(Long Island Song.)

Dear Deluded Sinners :

Anudder page in de book ob time hab bin turned
ober since I lass distressed you from dis ole roostrum, an-' a
new an' clean sheet am open'd, on which we can rite down
our wartues or wices, jis as we pleese; but you muss tink,
as you go 'long in de big boots ob sin, dat you can't rub
nufin' out arter it am once put down on de page ob ole
Time's book. You all see, den, how nessessary it am dat
we keep a putty close ballanse ob honesty an' wartu aginst
de sin an' wickedness we kommit, or else, on de lass day,
when de 'count cum to be posted up, we may find ourseffs
bankrupt, an' hab to fork ober, or be forked ober, I don't
noe which ; but I guess boff. Darfor, look out how you fool
you time, an' see dat you hab as large a score ob charity
an' goodness as you hab ob sin an' folly to put down for an
aginst you characters. Ef you git de bess ob ole Satin,
you kin lafF at him ; but ef he get de bess ob you, you will
laff de todder side ob your mouff. But I lebe dese tings to
dose whose bisness it am to 'tend to dem. My misshem har
am 'tirely siamtifick, darfor I fly to de subjick dat I 'speck
to spoke bout dis ebenin.

You will find my tex in de picter book, on de fird page,
nie de top ob de leef. Fird page — nie de top ob de leef, whar
you will find a anamil bout as big as a bat, a bat an a haflF,

THE VAMPIRE. 95

or two bats, or two bats an haff. Dat looks like de bat,
oney it am'ent de bat. It am called by dose whose wisdom
am suffishently dewalloped to know oae beastesses from
anudder —

DE WAMPIRE.

An' ob all de low bred wicked scounderls in dis atmosfear
he am de moss big raskal. He am, in ebery sense ob de
word, a sucker. Dar am sebril kinds ob suckers, but dis
chap takes um all down. Ef he lite on you, de bess ting
you can do am to say you prayers, kase ho will suck ebery
drop ob blood out ob you. He will cling to you wid all de
affectshun displayed by a lawyer to a rich cliant, an will
hold on wid all de strenft ob a Long I'land darkey.
Speakin ob Long I'land darkies, jis fetches to my mind dat
I got a beufuU piece ob poetry from one ob dat class dat I
will reed to yoa on dis portant casion, an luff de ole wam-
pire run along till nex time, when I'll show him up in he tru
cullers. Dar am a good menny wampires in dis community
dat wants sturrin up. De poetry laded to am de nee flux
ulster ob songs, as we say in Latin, an was rote by Long
Cudgo heseff, gibin a count ob a little suckemstance dat
curred todder nite on de I'land, which I tink you will all
be interested in.

SONG.

BY LONG ODDOO.
Air—" Vm gwane to run all nite."

De greatest darkeys I ebber seed,

Wo a wo, wo ah.
Am de ginewine Long I'land breed.

Wo a wo, wo ah,

96 BLACK DLAJIOXPS.

Bar's none wid dein dat kin oumpare,

Wo a wo, .

Bekase dey dance an sing so rare,
Wo a wo.

Coris — Dey laff an work all day,

Dey dance an sing all nite,
Dey'm up an dress'd by de break ob day,
" Sum pumpkins " in a ftte.

De green corn grow 'pon de stalk.
Wo a WO;
De odder day I shoot a qualk,

Wo a wo,
I took him home to hab a fry.

Wo a wo,
When de hot greece flew rite in my eye,
Wo a wo.
Coris— I rub'd dat eye all dayy
I rub'd dat eye all nite.
It swell'd 60 big by de breek ob day,
I tort I'd had a fite.

I shoot no more bird 'pon de wing.

Wo a wo,
Bekase my eye war in a sling.

Wo a wo.
An den one day, de ,truft I tell,

Wo a wo,
Dat same ole eye, he bin got well.

Wo a wo.
Coris — An I laff'd an worked all day, &o.

Todder nite, -at Sister Jenny's ball,
Wo a wo,

I wore a cote dat took em all

Wo a wo,

THE VAMPIKE. 97

Big brass buttons, rolin collar,

Wo a wo.
When J. cnm m de ladies holler.

Wo a wo.
Coris — An I laff'd an worked all day, &c,

I danced wid de gal in de yaller dress,

Wo a wo.
An' her hand I squeese an press.

Wo a wo.
Den a big back darkey ax me why,

Wo a wo.
He shoodn't black my odder eye ?

Wo a wo.
Coris — An I laff d an worked all day, <&o.

I tole him dat de gal was free,

Wo a wo,
To dance wid enny company ;

Wo a wo.
Den he called me dat I tole a lie,

Wo a wo.
When I hit him bim rite in he eye,

Wo a wo.
Coris — An I laffd an worked all day, &c.

De constables dey har de spree.

Wo a wo.
An' all de darkeys sed 'twar me.

Wo a wo.
An de oney way dat I cood flee.

Wo a wo,
War by climin up de chimbalee,

Wo a wo.
Coris — An I lafPd an worked all day, &o.

When I got on de top de house.

Wo a wo,
5

98 BLACK. DIAMONDS.

I creep long like little mouse,

Wo a wo,
An den I take a look around,

Wo a wo.
An landed squar upon de ground.

Wo a wo.
Coris — An I lafif'd an worked all day, &c.

Den home I run Wid all my mite.

Wo a wo,
An got dar by de breek ob lite.

Wo a wo.
Jumped in bed, under de kibber.

Wo a wo,
For fear dat I shoed be diskibberd,

Wo a wo,
Coris — An I laff'd ao worked all day, &c

Cudgo cum putty nie cotching heseff dat time.
Here, Jake, hand round de sasser.

JOAN d'arc. 99

LECTURE XXIX.

JOAN d'arc.

Pellek Teablers :

Ef I had bin a eatin dried apples for a week, an'
den took to drinkin for a monf, I coodn't feel more swell'd
up den I am dis njinit wid pride* an wanity at seein sich full
tendence bar dis ebenin ; an wen I refleck dat it am rite in
de wite-washun seeson, wen de bruddern am seen a gwanin
ronn de treets a lookin' like ole G-ypshun mummies persarved
in lime, an de sisters am up to dere ankles in de skrubbin
time, my heart yarns towards you, like a peece ob Ingin
rubber nie a hot stobe, an I feel dat I hab an afiflickshun
for you dat noting can estrange, or syringe, I forgit now
which; but one am jis de same as todder.

It will not be a tall strange to you, ef I too am putty
bizzy bout dis 'portant seeson — too bizzy to select a subjick
for your deep siderashun, an ef I war to open de door ob
de dark lantern ob siance, an let de full force ob its lite
. shme pon your enlarged under^andins, I don't belebe you
wood take time to rebel in its moonshine, darfor I will pass
on enny partickler subjick in de siantifick world dis time,
an spoke to you some tings dat I hab jis diskibber'd con-
sarnin Gubner Hunt an de knllerd poperlashun, dat will
'stonish some ob you mazin'Iy, ef not more.

Eber since de ole anty delugian world xisted— an I can
bring de Almanac an de Esyklopeedia ob Human Natur to
probe my sershun — de kuUer'd man hab bin none as de moss
gay deceber. From de time dat Jane An ob Ark leff de

100 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Ark oa Mount Haireat, dressed np in a coat ob mail soger
cloffe, aa claimed relashunship to Napolion Bonypart, do
uncle ob his ill-begotten nefew, to dis day, no one hab bin
so fool hardy as to dout for one minute de deseptial facul-
tees ob de darkey. As I hab here 'luded to Jane Ann ob
de Ark; I s'pose some ob you wood like to noe little 'bout
her; darfor, I will transgress from de subjick under de ham-
mer, an tell you dat Jane Ann ob Ark war a soger woman,
an went into d'e discontented field, and slew more men dan
all de bed bugs dis hole cougregashun hab killed during de
lass two weeks. She war a fitein woman ob de rashest
kind, an used to ride on a white ho§s, clad in de moss bril-
liant armor dat war eber maid. History sez dat her armor
war made ob ste^l.an brass scales, an war moss elefent to
behold; but it allers kinked my wool to see how her armor
cood be so brilliant, an yet look so scaley as to be ment-
shuned in print. I neber found out zackly what made de.
peepil call her "Jane Ann ob Ark," bekase history don't
say dat she came ober in de Ark a tall. But I count for it
in dis way. It am well none mong de stugents ob siance
dat all de anamiles dat entered de Ark went aboord in
pares ; but dar neber war two such sheroines as Jane Ann
ob Ark. Har mate coodn't be found; so dey luff her go
on har own hook; and when she leff de bote, de peepil in de^
Ark hab to gub her dat nickname. She war a good soger,
but her whitewashun an stockin darnin wasn't much to brag
bout; but to my diskibbery. You all recumlect dat in de
lass procklamashun ob Gubner Hunt, he serted as a fack
dat de culler'd race war a dwindlin' away, an in a few years
wood be xtink. An dar war a public meetin held by de cul-
ler'd folks in dis city; wharat he war call'd a jackass for
sayin so. It brot out a poem from me dat' will be remem-
Ijered by ebery man, woman an child till dey forgit it.

JOAN b' ARC. 101

Well, my poor deluded frens, I jis found out dat de Gubner
am not to blame for dat sershun, an I am sorry to sty de
fault lies at de frunt doe ob de mulatto poperlashiin. De
Gubner's agents dat took de senses ob de State, war fool'd;
bamboozled, an' humbugged by dese stuck up wheat an injin
darkies, who got de senses takers to put em down as whiu
on de books; an when de Gubner cum to suffer it all up, he
see a mitey fallin' off in de cuUer'd poperlashun, an dat's de
way he cum to spoke bout it in he Message. Dar muss hab
bin sum bribein goin on, or else de senses men war mitey
neer sited. I tort I'd mentshun dis fac, "kase I don't want
you all down ou de Gubner, kase he can't stand it no longer,
an' he am a ole fren ob mine, an one dat I berry much sus-
pect. He offen used to spoke to me when I war a mercanic,
an used to do he witewashun up town.

De S'iety for sendin' fine tooth combs an Kalogne water
to de Siberia Ingins will meet at Sister Prude's on Friday,
to take into "siderashun de priety ob supplyin de Cork mar-
ket wid gutta purcha potatoes. I tink de ting will pa'y,
bekase de more dey chaw 'em de bigger dey grow.
' Dis congregashun will meet as a Committee on de Hole
to raise your poorly supported speeker a pare ob boots, as
soon as Wilmot Proviso Johnson passes round de sasser ;
an ef I cotch a bad penny in it, I'll come down on you like
a shower baff.

102 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XXX.

morning walks.

Odeeifekous Disciplbs :

"de airlt bird cotches de ■worm."

De spring ob de year am cum at lass, an de warm
sun makes a culler'd man feel as lazy as de husband ob a
bordin house keeper. It am berry deliteful for your poorly
supported speeker to git up dese plesent morning an' walk
'bout de town an foolosefize on tings as dey am, used to
war, an ort to be. Some ob de anshent Dutch an Irish
foolosifers an pertenders to siance, used to find meat for
reflexion in a stone, and I find dat a good menny ob dar
desendents am great seekers arter nolege, for I find dem
deep in de study ob de contents ob de ash barrels by day-
lite in de mornin'. Dar is no 'countin for de works ob de
inquirin' mind. Sum wags sert dat de anchent stugents had
dust froun in dar eyes; but ef dey cood see de dust dese
fellers kick up in ash barrels, dey woodn't wonder ef dey
got dar mouflfs an hair full, as well as dar eyes. Dese mod-
dern foolosefers carry a bag on dar backs, an a basket on
dar arms, in which dey put all de coorious specenjens dey
find, an' take em home to study 'pon; but moss all dey find
turns out to be cole ob sum kind — de antecrite, de lucky-
warner, de peachpit, de Lehigh, de slate ash, an de brickbat.
Some eben pick up de different kinds ob rags dey cum across,
in order to see what dey am made ob. Oh 1 my ignorant

JOAN d'abc. 103

hearers, siance hab reached a conuiptious standin' since I
commenced lectnrin firty weeks ago.

Todder mornin I war upmn dressed by de time de sun
opened his bloodshod eyes on de uniwarsity, an' puttin' on
my speckemtackels, an seizin my big cane I sallyed out for
a walk to cogitate somfin for your good. As I mosied long,
I lambered up de one treet, an den down de todder, lookin'
at de ole time signs on de shop, an tinkin' ob de signs ob de
ole times, an when I cum to one treet ob Broadway, I seed
a wonder bout dese days. Dar war ackually sebin scaven-
dishers nee deep in de mad, a hoein it in a heep, to lay an'
rot, to pat on de land for de m'nure. Well, I stood hard
by, as-Capt. Cuttle sez, a lookin at em dig, when I seed de
hoe ob one ob de men strike fire agin a little lump ob sumfin
hard, 'bout de size ob a megnut, or a megnut an a haff.
Curiosity, which am related to me on my mudder's side,
seduced me to pick it up. Pon zamination, I found sum
scription on it in high-old-gliffix, an I eluded dat it muss be
sumfin grand, an worf perserbin, like de flys in de Museum.
But it war so kind a shrunk up an hard dat 1 coodn't make
out de words on it. I showed it to de Irish artist dat dug
it np, an he sed he tort it muss be gutter persha, kase it war
found in de gutter. So I took it home an put it in hot
water, tinkin dat wood stretch it out; but it hab no 'feet a
tall. Den I put it by a slow fire, an kind a roasted it for a
whUe, but it cum out as hard an as stubborn as before. I
node, from de sperience ob de ting, dat it had been stretched
out afore, an dat it war now in a shrunk condishun. Well,
wat to do I didn't noe, an I tort I'd do dat fuss, an I did.
I axedently put it in my pocket, long wid a dollar bill
(de reeson I had de dollar bill war kasa my boord wasn't
paid to Anty Clawson), an as soon as it came in contact wid
money, it begin to thaw out a leetle. Har war a diskib-

104 BLACK DIAMONDS.

bery. I rushed in to policy shop, an ax em to rap dat little
ting in fibe hunderd dollers for 'bout a nour. De man in
greezed hair, high heeled shirt collar, wid a long nine in he
mouff, lafif at me, an told me " Go long," but whin I told
him de suckemstances ob de case, a spirit ob siance seized
he mind, an he rapped it up in de money. We set down an
talked ob de dirty treets, &c., for a nour, when he unrapped
de bUls, an dar we found de ting stretched out, like Injun
rubber, tree inches long, an de words war jis as plain as
daylite, and den we set to work to read dem, an arter haff
a nour's study we found it to read dus, " A Politishun's
Conscience, lost jist after de' Lection ob de Spring ob
'51." Well, tinks I, ef fibe hunderd dollars will stretch a
polytishon's conshnnce like dat, to what lengt would fibe
tousand dollers fetch it ?

Now you see what siance will do, an also de great benefit
ob airly risin. De mornin am de time to find tings.

Brudder Henry Clay Webster Morehouse will pleese to
see to de coUestshun. De sasser got broke dis week durin'
cleanin time, an he will hab to take his hat dis time.

ALTERING THE SOKIPTHRES. 105

LECTTJRB XXXI.

ALTERING THE SCRIPTURES.

Protracted Prosalites :

I don't feel putty well dis ebenin, but I shall spoke
to you on a subjick dat am ob wital 'portance, an it takes
tirteen letters to spell 'em. You will find de subjick in de
minds-ob ebeiy human bein, an it am none as

discontentment.

An ebber since- old fadder Adam an Mudder Ebe war dis-
contented wid all Paremdice, an longed for sumfin more, till
dis day, eberybody am 'flicted wid it more or less. De poor
man am discontented wid he lot, an looks forward to de
time wen he kan kail a towsand dollars his own. As soon
as he git dat amount, he want he own house. Fuss he am
contented wid a frame cottage, den he wants a brick house.
As soon as he gits a brick house, he wants a free stone frunt,
an wen he gits de free stone frunt, den he am not content
till he gits a marbil palice, surrounded wid turpentine walks
in he garden, portfolios round de house, an he lib on cham-
pain an ice cream, year in an year out.

Broadway used to be a putty treet, but de folks war n^t
con tinted wid it, an dey keep it in a uproar all de time to
alter it to pleese dem, till it am kept in sich a state dat it
aint safe for de ladies to lemonade in it no more.

Sum peepil, notwidstanin de lubly flowers, de deleshus
frntes, de wabbelin burds, an all de ress ob de good ting dat
. 5*

106 ' BLACK DIAMONDS.

am in marcy sent to dem, am unsatisfied wid dis world, an'
purtend dey want to go to dat land whar de wicked seese
from grumblin an de lazy am at rest.

Discontentment don't only 'feet de sinner, but it also
flicts de preecher man, for how menny 'mong de hole squad
ob dem am contented wid dar sallary. As for me, I got to
be sassagefried, kase war odders am got all, dars none leff
ob de same sort for me. Dar may be sum uncontented brud-
ders da;t ain't sassagefried wid my lecturs, but I don't care,
you black scorpians. I'll lectur you till I take de shirt off
your backs, but I beat eddicashun an suspectability in you.

Discontentment am carried to a high pitch by sum ob de
oldest an moss 'spectable pulpits in de city. Dar am dose
who am discontented wid dat bess ob all books, dat which
hab stood as de key-stone ob sibilizashun for ages, an hab
stood de shock ob senturies as de rock on which all human
happyness am founded. It don't sute de wiews ob dem as
it am now, an ebber hab bin, an dey wants it altered, kase
dey hab found a flaw in de translashun, an now dey am
goin' to hab one to sute dem, ef dey hab to make it demseffs.
De part dat 'pears to trubble dem moss am de words " bap-
tize," which meens tick 'de hed in de bucket, an de word
" emarshun," which meens a duck under de water hed an'
heels. Now, I b'lebe in de water kure for de complaintes
ob de body, an I don't see notin agin de water cure for de
sins ob mankind. Still I don't tink de Hebrew, or de She-
brew ob de word means '' emarshun," kase, ef it did, de
passage dat reeds, " How often would I have gadered you
under my wing as a hen gaderet her chicken, but ye
would- not," would read, " How offen.wood I hab gader'd
you under my wing, like a duck gaderet her little goslins,"
an insted ob Peter bein told to feed de sheep, he wood hab
bin tole to feed my little seals, muskrats, an beebers.

NUTS FOR BOSTONIANS TO CRACK. 107

Now, I noe dat it ain't none ob my bizness to meddle wid
dese tings, kase I confine myseff to siance in all its glory
xclusively; but wen I see men a dabbliu wid dat blessed
book in order to suit dar own ideas ob redempshun, I tink,
as a man who hab a soul to save, I hab a right to hab my
say 'bout it, jis as well as odders. Bf dey kan find flaws in
de translashun ob one word, dey will find a good menny
odders, an we poor sinners won't noe wot to b'lebe, or wot
not to b'lebe, an I don't tink it am rite, an I don't care who
nose it. Let de rock on which all moral law an de happy-
ness ob mankind am founded stand firm an solid, whar it am,
an let no man more it to the right or left, or chip off enny
ob its corners.

George Washington Napoleon Mark Antony Jumbins
will pleese hand round de sasser.

LECTURE XXXII.

NTJTS for BOSTONIANS TO CRACK.

Belignent Brudders —

For your edication dis ebenin, I shall read to you

MT FIRST PISTOL TO DE BOSTONIANS.

An I speck as soon as de Gubner sees it, he will call a
publick meetin on de Boston Commons, an read it to de
peepil. Ef he don't it ain't my fault — hear it, ye black
sliders II!

108 black diamonds.

Boston Bostonuns —

I liab bin a lookin at your goins on fur de lass sentery,
and I come to de elusion dat you am 'bout as nice a set ob
kipacritacal blue noses as war eber sembled ob a Forf ob
July. I did tink dat when your blue laws, dat woodent lufif
a man kiss he wife and chile on a Sunday, met de ridicule
and lafter ob de world, dat you would larn de meanin' ob de
word liberality — but no, you sneakin, petty tirants, aldo
your State hab sent a dickshunary, to dem as choose to use
it, you don't understan de true difernation ob haff dat's in
it, and eber since de Pilgrim's Progress was found on Ply
mut rock, up to de present time, you hab bin de narrow-
est-minded set ob long-faced Sleeks, dat eber Yankee Doodles
turned out.

Among de fust tings in which your wisdom stuck out; was
de cruel manner in which you tortured ebery poor old woman
who happened to be a little exsentrick, by burnin her to
deaf by fire for bein a witch. Ef a poor ole cretur, black
or white, happened to put on a wig or bonnet dat wasent put
down in de blue laws, she was megitly put to de stake and
made steaks of. I'll stake my repetation dat I've spoken de
truff. Well, den, you begin to medil wid de laws at de
Souf, an wanted to alter de black laws ob dem States to de
blue laws ob your own. You encouraged stealin from your
Souffern bredren, an tried your best to brake up de homony
ob de country by 'deberin to compel dem to come into your
views ob goin to church and luff de slabes go free to
starve and die.

You wasen't willin to buy dem an edemcate dem, but you
wanted der owners to leflf dem go free, widout noein de fust
rudiment ob how to take care ob demseflfs. Why don't de
Norfif, ef dey am so interested in de welfare ob de cullerd
man, buy dem by degrees, and put dem in a way to make an

yUTS FOR B03T0NIANS TO CRACK. - 109

honest libin. Bat to liberate all de slabes at once, and pnt
de cars ob life 'pen dem as dey am, bloodshed and crime
wood stalk abroad in deland, and de " Sun" wood liaff to brush
up dere ole steretipe milrder notices, and gib dem'anudder
run true de nex wolume. Well, when you found dat you
coodent walk into de peepils houses at de Souff, and hab
dem do jis as you dicktated, you went home and put a stop
to smokin in de streets, for fear de light ob de segar mite
show de hipockracy in your faces — and now eben tobacker
chawers and snufif takers hab to steal de chance to endulge
dere propensities.

De last sclimax ob all your wisdom was de passage ob de
Maine Licker Law, dat perwents a man to drink a glass ob
somfin to take wid anudder human bein. Har's de way de
tiug Stan's. Two men sa^s to one man, "We don't like
licker, no how — darfore you shant have it.'' " But," says
de man, •' I hab bin brought up to take a nip casionly, an I
can't bery well do widout it, an I see no reason dat I can't
hab it, jis case you two fellers don't like it. I tought you
boasted ob dis bein' a free country, and dat eberybody cood
do as dere conshunce dictates ; wat de debil am your 4t ob
July for, ef you act in sich tiranical ways ?" " Bat, my
fren," sez de two men, " dei*e am a drunkin lofer round de
corner dat wont take cur ob he family, and we, de peepil,
hab to take car ob dem. Now if we luff you drink, we must
luff him drink too, and you see it wont do." " But," sez de
one man, " aint dere a law to punish dat drunken lofer if he
kicks up a muss and wont take cur ob he family ?" " Ah,
yes, dere am, I beliebp," sez de two men. " Well, den, why
mast I be punished for de sins ob dat lofer round de corner ?"
sez de one man. " Becase we consider it best, and we will
hab it so." And so you go on in your stubborn-headed way>
till putty soon you will stop de chawin ob tobacker, and dat

110 BLACK DIAMONDS.

will cause a raise in de gutta persha market-liouse — kase
dey muss chaw somfin. Den all Boston will be a gutta
persha factory. De siiuff takers will hab to take to useia
cubebs, kase de snuff will be stopped soon — and den you will
make eberybody go to one churcli, de one you like, and com-
pBll dem to go sebril times on a Sunday, and twice a Sunday
nite, and take up a kollection ebery time dey go. You will
make eberybody go up on one side ob de street and come
down on de todder ; pass a law to show at which door a
gent shall enter he house' aud he carrage — and as you hab
legislated what he shall drink, I speck soon you will lay out
he eatables for each week, and ef he calls in enny extras,
fine him, aad spend de fine in abolishun tracts.

Dere am one claus in dat licker law dat shows de Yankee
big as dat Blemfent dat I told you 'bout tudder nite — and
dat am de fack, dat you will luff de distillerys continue to
make rum to sell out ob de State ; but it cant be sold in de
State, kase it am pizen, but you sell de pizen to your
nabors.

Now aint you a putty set — -jis look at youseff inside and
out, politically and religiously, and see ef yon hadent ort a
git a second pistol from me. I tank Provendence dat I am
in a free country, yet whar Jiberty and mud am as tick as
ebber.

Brudder 'Rostus Efronious Lutts will please pass round
de sasser, and keep he tievein irons out ob de change. I
got my eye on him.

SOMETHING FOK NEW YORKERS. Ill

LECTURE XXXIII.

something for new yorkers.

Frends an Spectators :

As I sent a pistol to de Boston fellers lass week, I
will dis ebenin elemwate your intellect by luffin you hear my

FUSS PISTOL TO DE NEW YORKERS,

Wharin I shall luff you see dat aldo I kin see de falts, follies,
an fanatickism ob dem eastern sleeks, I kan also likewise see
de long beem a stickin out ob your eyes like de bowsplit ob
a clam slupe. I hab bin a layin low an keepin dark, speshely
de latter, fdr a long time, an I bin a watchin' you wid boff
eyes, an tink ef enny community in dis kintrey ort to hab a
big klub broke ober its. bed, it am you New Yorkers. All
you seem to car about am how to make money. No matter
how you make it, so long as it am made, an you kin expire
at de West end. You am bery carfuU how you spend money
indiwidually, but collecktively you go it wid a rush. Your
sitty fadders, seein your great lub ob money an stinginess to
one anodder, am constantly gibin you lessons in how to spend
money. You will all, no dout, reckumleck dat dese
daddies hab great lub for liberty, patriotism, tea room, and
korporation kontracks, an dey will make a great fuss ober
ennybody dat will fite for de same, prowidin allers dat de
feller dat edder fites or spouts for dem am a furriner. Dey
tink nofin ob spendin twenty-fibe tousand dollars for firin de
big guns, an eatin de big dinners, an peradin de sogers,

112 BLACK DIAMONDS.

when sich genises as Cowsliute arribe wid a fedder in he hat,
an den it am dat elemquence an fustin breeks out in big
sores all ober de body politick. De fnrriner am toted round
in a fore hoss wagon, an wo be to de feller dat don't trow
up he iiat an du he share ob de hurrain. True, sum ob de
" deceptshuns " oney coss six or seben tousand dollars, but
who cars when de pepil pay de shot, an dey get all de glory,
an sum ob de hallumlujah, too.

New Yorkers, I blush for you, as much as sarcumstances
will admit, to see you make sich big ingredious asses^ob
yousefifs, an my hart am bustin wid indignashun to find dat
de dust kicked up by de Parrin pabement hab got so tick
into your eyes dat you can't see no patriotism or lub ob lib-
erty in your own pepil ; but you muss needs look far ober
de deep blue see to find a patriot, on whom to trow your
speeches, adorashun, an dollars.

I stood on a corner ob de treet, leenin on my wartue an a
big cane, de day Mr. Cowshute cum, an de tear cum in my
eye as big as a hoss chessnut, to see de difference atween de
fuss made wid him an de reception, dat de noble regement
ob New York boys met wid when dey ribed in dirty shirts
cubbered wid notin butirags an glory. War dere epny big
guns fired ? No ! War dar enny big dinners gibben dem ?
No ! an no one cood hab douted dey looked like hungry un
at de time. Did enny wite cote foolosefer send a tousand
dollar to dem ? No I Did Brigadig General Sanford
order out de sogers to meet dem fresh from de feels ob bat
tie an victory ? No ! Dey carried dar tatter'd banners an
dar wounded limbs true de streets, unnoticed an almoss un-
welcome. An now, what do you do for dem ? Why, allow
dose who still lib (an dey am a berry few, for dey all got
more disease dan glory in Mexico) ninety dollars a year to
lib on, an den dey git it in shillins at a time. Why, I git

SOMETHING FOR NEW YORKERS. 113

as mnch as dat a year myseff, cludin de tin shillins. But

dar's no use a talking to you fellers ; you hab allers bin a

makin jis sich asses ob yourseffs, eber since yon kick up de

Dickens wid Pickwick Boz to de present time, an look at de

way you now 'low your treets to be kept. Why, I'll bet all

I git in de sasser to-nite dat it am a harder rode atwixed

here an Harlem, on de Fird abenue, dan am found on de

Ismarass dat you cross a goin to Californi. But you orten't

to say nofin aginst your sitty daddies, for ^didn't dey lass

week put lime in de gutters along Broadway, an odder big

treets whar de omnibusters run, an lebe de back treets nee

deep in mud an filth, dat hab laid dar all de winter, making

great probement in de manure line. I nose wat I am talkin

bout, an I say you got good daddies for ^Fote ob July

selembrations, lecktioneerin, lobster an oyster eatin, an'con-

siderin de temptashuus dat meets dem on ebery corner, from

simdown till daylite, I tink dey contribe to keep as much

wartue as possible to wrap demseflfs up in, jig afore de lect-

shuns. Some ob you may say dat dis aint none ob my biz-

ness, kase I don't pay taxes ; but I'll luff you see who's boss

bar, mind I tell you. I'll say jis what I pleese on my own

platform, an ef enny ob you say a word aginst it, I'll git de

feller dat sez it licked like blazes by de short boys, or de

killers, dat you keep surroundin de corners ob de treet, an

den I'll go 'form de p'lice dars bin anudder fite on de corner,

or how wood dey noe it ? So take care how yon carry you-

seffs, an if you don't look out, you'll git anudder 'pistol from

me nex week.

De coUeckshun dis ebenin will be for bieing lime an soap
to clean dis room, an I honor sister Jemima Florinda Betty
Anna Muffins an Brudder.Jemes Godolphus Rompson, by
questin' dem to ack in concert wid Anty Clawson in doin de
same. Luff de sasser succeed.

114 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XXXIV.

darkies in the white house.

My Dear Constichewents :

I FIND dat some ob de wite trash ob New York got
de muUygrubs, an went off in a couiption fit ob de sulks, at
sum stringent marks dat, I choose to make on my own plat-
form lass week bout Cowshute an de New York regement.
But what do I car for de wite trash ? or what do de wite
trash car bout me ? Dat's de questshun. Sum ob de wite
trash pertend to car a good deel bout de culler'd man, but
it am all gas an politicks, got up jis to kick up a muss an
keep de kedentry at a bilin pint ob xcitement by de Balti-
more Conwentshuns. Dese Baltimore Conwentshuns am
gittin to be a great nuisance in dis kedentry. You neber
bear ob dem in England, an I don't see no use in dem. De
oney good ting dey hab done is to nominate Brudder Pierce
for de Presidency. Brudder Pierce hab long held a specta-
ble sitewashun in Brudder B. P. (dat means E Pluribus)
Christy's band ob minstrels, an he kin play de tamborine to
kingdom cum. He am a fuss rate feller, an I long ago pro-
fitized dat he talents would be diskibbered by one or odder
ob de great parties ob de day. When he git to de White
House, we'll hab high ole times. De fuss ting he will do
am to call Brudder Bones (darfore you will make no bones
in supportin him) an' Brudder Jonson in de cabinet shop to
look arter de keys' ob de burow, an see ef de decanters am
allers full on de sideborde. Dan'l Webster hab to clar out

DARKIES IN THE WHITE HOUSE. 115

den, kase he will collect de wisdom ob de nashun round him,
an den I will be called pou. I speck notin less den a pint-
ment as Prime Minister, an I speck I make a Prime Minis-
ter fuss rate, an de wages am a good deal more dan I git
hear now, an den I git no tin shillins an puter quarters, as
am continually rung in on me by dis meen, black sliden con-
gregashun. When I git to be Prime Minister, I'll hab
stated preechin ebery odder nite in de Wite House. Two
nites in de week de band will perform in de big hall, led by
Pierce heseff, an nobody else, kase Perfessor Jonson, de
leeder at dis time, can't speck to shine den, no matter how
big his whiskers, or how high falutin he combs his hair. De
two odder nites we'll hab a break down, when all de ftirrin
Rambassenders will be lowed to cum, hair an all, an jine in
de real. Oh, my frens, we'll all hab hallumlujah day den,
an clam soup de year roun. No man, not eben Bill Seweed
or Fred Douglass, will be pinted to orfice, onless he can pat
juba, sing "Git out ob de way Ole Dan Webster, or
Tucker " — don't make a dif a biterence which — an can dance
a break down.

Den dar will be some swellin up an down de lemenade on
Pencil wania abenue, an Kolone water will be riz. Darfor,
I say, go you deff on Pierce. He's a man arter my own
pocket, an I'll bet a cart lode ob Cowbay clams dat he'll be
leckted. Jis luff de wite folks hear him make de tamborine
ring, an den keep him out lOb de cheer ef dey can.

What's dat Brudder Ben Lomans sez ? I got de rong
pig by de ear ? How can dat be, when it- am in eberybody's
mouff dat Pierce am nomenated ? An don't all de noose-
papers say so too ? An did eber one ob dem lie ? Say ?

Oh 1 it am General Pierse, ob New Hamshere, dat's nom-
enated, am it ? Well, by golly, I tort it war Brudder
Pierce, de tamborine man. I didn't noe no odder Pierce

116 BLACK DIAMONDS.,

xcept him, an I don't b'lebe dar am eny odder worf noein.
I'll take my dinner I tort it war him, an I'm sorry.it ain't,
lease dar won't be no fan at de Wite House now no more.
But it won't feet me in partickelyer, kase Massa Foolmore
an me am berry intimate, an he axes my pinion on all notty
pints, frequently offen, speshely bout de nautty Five Pints,
an I speck some orfice all ob de time, but I'll find out all
bout General Pierce an luff you noe.

I hab recebed a billy-dux from a sister, axin me what am
ment by de tea room, whar de common scoundrels, dar
frens, an frens' frens git dar supper at de spence ob de pepil.
She wants to noe what kind ob- tea dey use, an ef dey use
distillery milk. Now, I sarch all true de book, ob statuary,
bout law, an I can't find out nofin bout it. But ole Jim
Bolus, who ar waiter dar, sez dat de tea dey use am not
sich tea as am used outside. Dey hab it made somewharan
sent in dar in dimmy jugs. It ain't called Bohee, Shoeshong,
an Highskin tea, like odder fokes' tea ; but you will find it
libeled as brandy tea, whiskey tea, Bedam gin tea, port wine
tea, an Jamaica rum tea. As regards de milk, dey don't
, use it oney in punches, an den I defy ole Belzebub hesef to
tell what kink ob milk it am, wedder cow, goat, mare's, or
cocoa nut, or wedder it am de milk ob hupaan kindness. I ;
don't noe much bout dese! k,ind ob teas, kase I neber drink
enny ob dem kind myseff.

I is glad de witewashin am ober, an I tank Anty Clawson
an de rest ob de Committee on Oleanin for de same.

Will Mr. William Henry Augustus Marsey -Potch please
pass roun de sasser, an gib back no change.

INDEPENDENCE DAT. Ill

LECTURE XXXV.

INDEPENDENCE DAT.

Rebelious Sinners :

Old Brudder Samuil Nuckils, who, you noe, was a
haff bradder to ole Joxth Heath on he mudder's side, arid is
now too old to do ennyting but eat spoon witals ajid sleep,
wants me to say somfin "^bout Independence and Port ob
July, and as I was doun dere to his house, and spent de
Fort^which cum on de Fif dis year — I tort I may as well
say somfin 'bout him, as well as odder pepil.

You ob corse all noe who ole Fort ob July am, and why
de fokes kick up sich a muss at de return ob ebery birth
day. Bf ye don't, den I'll tell you.

Fort ob July was born in Filemundelfy in IfTG. General
George "Washijigton was he gran' dadder, and Thomas Jef-
ferson was he farder. He had fifty-six- god dadders dat
attended his birth, and hear let me say dis fifty-six hab bin
consider'd de weightiest fifty-six dat de world ebber seed ;
kase all Urope cuddent lift or disturb dem. England had
de ropes all reddy to lift dem by dere necks, but she found
dem too heavy to fool wid. De birt ob Fort ob July was
hail'd wid de ringin ob bells and de firin ob cannon, and so
has he birt-day ebber since. De wost ob it am, it always
will cum in de summer time. As far back as I kin recolem-
lect I hab notic'd dis fac, and put it doun in my scratch
book, for furter faturety. Comin in sich hot wedder as it
does, de pepil get de fantods afore it am obber. I don't say

118 BLACK DIAMONDS.

dat dey all git de fantods, but I notic'd a great many who
h&dfans and a great many who had tods, which blended in
one pusson, products de fantods. De Irish pepil boast dat
St. Patrick was jis as good a man as Fort ob July is ; kase
Pat banish'd a few toads and alegators from a little island
todder side ob Jorden. But Fort ob July dun more den
dat — he Itckd a whole army ob sarpints and crockemdiles
dat cum obber hear, armed to de teef in soger clothes,
Derfore, if you here a bogtroter make any sich 'lusions, de
best ting yon kin do am to gib him one on he nose for
heseff.

Pashenflble pepil all go out ob town on de Fort, and lebe
de city in de hands ob de poor classes. Derfore, 'cordingly
I went out ob town myseff lass Monday, and I got myseff
into much tribulation and disgust dereby. I will tell you
how it cum. You all noe berry well dat for a few monfs
prebious, your wordy speeker hab formed great 'tacfiment to
Bettsy G-emima, de gran'dorter ob ole Sam Nuckels, dat lib
down to Hogshead Long Hand. Well, de Saturday afore
de Fort I pack'd up my portmantila in de croun bb my hat,
and puttin what small change I hab in my cloze in to one
west pockit, I put on my specks an ruflfel shirt an sallied
forf to de cars. When I got in de cars de peepil all star'
at me like as if I wos one ob de candydates for de Presumcy.
Ebberybody node me, and " how d'ye do. Professor ?" met
my refulgent gaze at ebbery turn.

Well I ribed down dor, and Bettsy Gemima recibed me
in a most blushin' and expirin manner. De ole man sed he
was glad to see me, aldo he had bin blind dese twenty years.
He ole woman,, ober a hundred years ole, was dere lookin'
like a dried ingin rubber foot ball stuck in a nite cap. As
soon as she seed me, she axed me if I cum down dere on a
marrying expedi.shun, and made Bettsy Gemima look forty

INDEPENDENCE DAT. 119

ways for Sunday, wid shame and difushun. I sed I was a
moss to ole I feer'd for dat, and I axed her how ole a pus-
son muss git-afore dey gib up all desire to marry. She sed
I muss ax somebody older dan her, and dat make Bettsy
Gemima laff all ober her face.

Putty soon arter dis, Bettsy Gemima leff de room to open
some clams for to make de clam soup, and while she was
gone an idear struck me which kinder startled me, as I aint
use to bein' struck wid dem. I tort as bein' as how Bettsy
Gemima was a gwane to make de clam soup for my speshal
stomjack, dat I 'ort to do somfin for her a little nice and
pritty. I recomleckted dat I seed a skruce beer sine on •
de door ob a little shop, near unto de car whar de depot
cum in, and I made up my mind to slip off and git a qwart
nnbenonin to nobody and s'pris^ Bettsy Gemima wid de
same, when de clam soup war reddy.

But what was I to fotch it in ? As dis question was a
tumblin all true my hair, like a mouse in a bale ob okum, I
seed a ole brown pitcher settin on de top shelf ob de dres-
ser, and in a miuit I had it in my hand and was on my way
to de skruce beer shop. I tole dem to put a qwart in dere
as quick as litenin, kase I was in a mity hurry. In a few
minits I had de beer, and ribed at de house jis time nuff to
set it up in its ushal place, afore Bettsy Gemima cum in wid
de clams all open'd in a pan. I didn't say nofin, but my
hart kept a beetin quicker and faster at de tort ob de s'prise
dat waited for de gall ob my 'fections. Well pretty soon
de soup was dun, and de ole fokes and Bettsy Gemima and
me myseff sot down to de table, when I spoke out and told
dem I bro't somfin down from de depot dat wood gladden
dere harts; and I rose and went to de dresser and handed
my belubed de pitcher. She blush'd and took it, but as I
sat down to de table agin, I tort she look a little mad, and,

120 BLACK DIAMONDS.

I was fritened wliea she axed me if I specked dem to drink
sich stuff ; but I answer'd and sed, " In corse I do, kase I
got it spressly to tickle your palate!" Den I seed she was
rale mad, and she sed no man shouldent tickel nofin 'bout
her, and I cood take it all myseff. Wid dis she flung it rite
in my ruffle boosum, and it went all ober dem new trowser-
loons Anty Glawson made me out ob de ole bedtick. I de-
manded to noe de reeson ob sich treatment, and Gemima,
sinkin' in a chare, busted out a cryin', and sed I'd find her
reasons in de bottom ob de pitcher. I den, for de fuss
time, look'd in de pitcher, and dere I found her reasons in
de shape ob a ded mouse, 'bout haff discompos'd, a stump
ob segar, a piece ob taller candle 'bout tree inches long, sum
corn sabe, a gimlet, a shoe string, and some pills fur to kill
rats!

I hab herd ob fellers afore now feelin' streeked, but I felt
nasty, and megitly leff de house, took de fuss depot dat leff,
and cum back home to foolosofize on de succeedin' ewents
as dey 'curred. De moral ob all dis am — Always look into
tings afore you use dem — specially ole pitchers.

I found out who put de lites out lass week, and I got a
rod in pickil dat'll tickil when I use it.

As I was fool'd out ob my coUeckshun lass week, I speck
a double dose ob small change dis ebening.

THE ELEPHAXT. ]21

LECTURE XXXVI.

THE ELEPHANT.

Deluded Lams : v

De snbjick for siderashun dis ebenin am a moss too
big For me to handle, widont some kind ob tackle. At fuss
I tort I'd bess diwide Iiim in too parts, like de preecher
mans do dar tex, an lectnr on haff ob him at a time. But
I didn't noe wich haff to commence on fuss, an I tink ef I
tackle him wid de claws ob true siance, I will succeed in
showin his different pints as fineljTls ebber Massa B%riium
did in his life. De anamel luded to hab created a great
sensashun in dis willage, an folks from all parts ob de country
hab flooded de city to find an git a look at him, an singelar
to relate, a great menny found him whar dey didn't spect to
see him, an whar he war sort for moss he war nebber dere.
Some ob de city boys hab from time to time started on a
huntin expedishun arter him, an dey ginerly found him by
daylite in de stashun house, or some odder kind ob wicked '
house. From your snickerin I begin to tink you know who
de gemman am dat I wish to induce to you. Ef not, I will
tell you dat I mean

DE ELEMFENT.

Dis obbergrown lump ob flesh muss hab bin made at de
commencement ob de Beast makin. When, dey had a obber
pluss ob anamile matter on hand; an it seenis to me dat
human natur, when he made him, doait as a sperement to

6

122 BLACK DIAMONDS.

see how big a feller he cood make walk, an how much flesh
an bone dey could Cfam in one skin widout spoilin it; an
sure nuff it waru't spiled a bit, but walked off one ob de
noblest an moss noein ob all de beastesses.

My ignumrent scorpians, as a great menny ob my hearers
hab bin a long time tryin to see him widout doin de same, I
tink a gineral scripsbun ob his bigness will be relished by
dose whose labor hab bio in wain.

Ef one ob dese fine mornins you shood see sumfin cumia
up de treet, big as a hay stack on four warf spiles, wid a
hed like a flour barrel wid a side ob sole ledder flappin on
each side ob it, an a nose six foot long a squirmin around
like de Ingine rubber hose, an feet dat look 'bout as grace-
ful as a child does a walkin in two swill pails, an a couple
ob teef stickin out ob he mouff like two barber poles a
sticldn out ob a basement barber shop, dat's him — Ole John
B Elemfent hisseff.

When he walks he roles from side to side like a sailor
man jis landed, an I speck de reeson am bekase his feet am
berry tender from carryin round dis big haystack, an he's
got corns on all he toes. He foot am shaped somfin like a
culler'd man's, oney broader; but like de darkies, de holler
ob it make a hole in de ground.

When he war made, it seems to me dat dey stood out
four ob dem warf spiles, an piled on all de meat dey could
pile on. Den dey made a gravey ob sandstone, gutter per-
sha, broun dust, molasses an gray dog, an pour'd it all ober
de flesh, an dar luff it dry. He war so big, an de big long
ladders hadn't bin inwented yet, so dey coodn't snioff it
doun much, an dat counts for he rough pearance all ober.
Wen dey cum to de tail, de stuff gib out, an dey had to cut
it short; bat unlike menny tales I hab seen, dar am a good an
desided pint to it. Ef dey had made it as long as he nose.

THE ELEPHANT. 123

it might hab puzzled him which end war to go fass, kase he
look as do he hab a tail at boff ends. He nose am call'd a
trunk, but for what reeson no foolosofcr hab found out, kase
ho nebber carry no close in it; but de way he can pick up
de apples, an nuts, an candies wid it, am nuff to breek a
muntey's heart. He ort to belong to de Poke Xose S'iety,
kase I neber met wid a feller dat had such a pensity to poke
he nose in odder peepil's bizness in ray life. One time, wen
I war a seekin nolege in a carrywan tent ob wild beastes, I
seed him stick he long Ingin-rubber nose into a lady's
satchel, an steel a hunk ob gingerbread, uuff for my supper,
which he took in one bite, widout eben winkin or pickin he
teef. He jis roled he trunk down he mouff, which, like de
culler'd man's, am sitewated in de lower part ob he bed, jls
under he nose. Well, I tood dar a lafBn at he imperence,
wen he grab'd ray cap off my hed, an widout chokin a bit,
swaller'd it. Den I begin to laff on de odder side ob my
mouff, kase I tort my new cap gone sure; but de keeper
told me to coxe it out ob him wid apples an sugar tings.
So I bied sum ob dem wid my lass sixpence, an gub it to
him, an arter a while he put he nose down he troat, pull'd
«p de cap, an flung it haff way cross de show, widout eben
smilin at de trick. He's got a orful swaller. I tink he cood
take in a barrel ob taters, haff a dozen bed quilts, an a
buffalg_skin at one time, jis as easy as I kin swaller a Cow
bay clam.

A great menny nannydotes am told ob dis feller's cunning-
ness an trickery, dat wood keep you a laffia all nite; but I
am warned by de woise ob Time to shut up. De elemfent
am de moss segarshus an noein ob all de anamile creasbun ;
but den, who coodn't be smart wid a hole hogshed full ob
branes. It's a wonder to me dat a feller wid his high foi'-
hed, don't turn his tentsliuu to lecturia on de siances.

124 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Dem trousers an dem shoes liabn't ribed yet, an ef de
Dawcus S'iety don't hurry dem up, I'll hab to lay in bed to-
morrow all day till Anty Clawson fixes dem np. I is proud
to show dat I ware a shirt, but I i? a little tickler which
end ob it gibs de occular proof.

Magyar Chawley will pleese pass round de sasser, an be
careful wot kind ob money he takes, an gib back no change
to nobody.

LECTURE XXXYII.

THE HOG.

_ *'

My Dear Wooley Heads :

Foe de wancement ob siance on dis 'tickler casion I
shall re-lie on de anamal kingdom for a subjeck to lectnr on,
and derefore I shall, by 'tickler request, proceed to anata-
mize an old acquaintance ob you all — namely,

DE HOG.

De hog, my deluded wooley heads, am a native ob de
Sixt Ward, aldo dey am frequently often found in odder
inhabited districts ob dis badly 'litened city, and no matter
war he am found, he am de happiest ob beasteses all de
world ober ; he always feel perfectly at home anywar, and
generally makes out to find a libin'; he am de happyest
feller dat run's in de streets. Take him in his single or
matrimonial state, dere am no anamal enjoys heseff better ;
in fact, de deeper he am in de mud de more he am in

THE HOG. 125

de mire ob contentment ; he lays heseff down, straches
heseff ont, and gibs heseff up to glory. Sometimes he
spirits am edified by bein' de fust to find out de depot
of a new pail ob swill from a fashionable boardin' house,
and den he am led to be frisky ; and den it am dat he
" cuts up" as if de debil was in him. Dis lass obserwation
am too true to laff at ; for de big book says dat de
debil was sent into de swine (swine am de Hebrewer's
name for hog), and dat accounts for de deblish shines
he sometimes indulges in, shaking he little tail, rollin' up he
little eye, and smackin he chops for joy. Dere am no use for
me to describe de 'pearance ob de hog to you, kase you am
all " on ae most intimate terms wid him," as de politishens
always sez, when dey spoke 'bout de President. Dey am
tought but little ob in siety, specialy by all polytishens,
kise dey can't wote. If dey could, de Sixt Ward would'
go hog ebery 'lection. Dere am sebril kinds ob hogs :
■ dere am de Wall street hog, whose hogish appetite for
money would make him steal de wool off ob a dead darkey's
head, to stuff he hair cushin ; den dere's de hog landlord,
who would sell de bed from under a sick child redder dan
lose a shillin rent, if he could ; den dere am de hog boarder,
who nebber quits de table as long as dere am enny ting left
to eat, and when butter am dearest piles it on de tickest,
and nebber pays up he board. Ah, my stingy hearers, dere
am more hogs in dis world dan wat run around a gruntin'
on four legs.

De -hog am a useful anamal ; but, like all odder gen-
uses, de world neber diskibers his great walue till arter he
am dead, and served up, young and roasted, at a Yankee
train dinner, or staked off in a sixpenny eatin' house, or
turned into de sassage market, in company wid dog meat
and red flannel. His life generally ends— when he don't

126 BLACK DIAMONDS.

get run ober by de omnibusters — as a countryman's career
in de city commences, viz.— by bein stuck.

De liog am a most anslient animal ; he must hab libed
long afore de flood, liase it will be remembered dat Gen.
Geerge P. Noah took a Ham wid him into de ark ; and yon
know dere can't be no hams war dere am no hogs. Hams
were so plenty at one time in Garmany, and so bery big, dat
de people made houses ob dem, and bilt up a hole town,
which am called till dis day, in all de 'spectable arifmatics,
Ham-burgh. But I am led by de nose to belebe dat
dese hams spoken ob must hab bin wooden onesj^aud, no
doubt, some ob de Yankee abolitionists' grandfarders took
out a ship-load, and sold dem at a slight profit, and
den stole a ship-load ob slaves from de coast ob Ginuy, jis
to save dem from any loss by de trip. You see I noe dese
old Yankee fellers aroun' Nantucket.

But I must close dis interestin' subjec, or else you
may tink I am like a hog myseff for habin so much jaw. I
will feel obliged to Brudder Porgie if he will pass round de
sasser, and don't probe youseffs pigish by refusing to
reward your wordy laborer for his brilliant discorse dis
ebenin'.

THE BAT. 127

LECTURE XXXVIII.

THE BAT.

Belubed Wooley Heads :

I SHALL dis ebenin obstruct my discord from de
anamal wonders ob creation, and aldo de subjick ob de
discord am blind, you musent tink, you ignoramasses, dat
your 'spected laborer dont know how to valuminate it
— I know it like a book from de head to de tail. De subjick
am

DE BAT.

De bat I mean am not a brick-bat (aldo he'm a " perfect
brick in his way), dat fly about ofFentimes in de Sixt
Ward, and make you see stars in de day time when he
hit you on de shin, nor do bat dat play wid de ball ; no 1
nor de bat on de nose like dat Sam Cowlip struck Pete
Coles wen he spit on his new shiny boots at Pete Wil-
liams' todder nite. It am no such fluvenile subjick.

Dere am two kinds ob bats : de ole bat and de young
bat — and it am de ole bat your poorly supported laborer
willpullncilate on, on dis berry 'portant Casion.

Whar de bat come from am none ob your bizness, so I
nebber took de trubble to go down to de Museasm to find
out, but I is fully sassagefried dat dey war made by human
natur like all- de odder winged beasteases, an my 'pinion am
founded on de ritens ob seberal ob de Common Scoundrel,

128 BLACK DIAMONDS.

which I found in de papers, cali'd de " Democratick Lebeler,"
and de " Wig Screacher,', who all say de case am a fac,
an ob course it am. De bat, my stingy hearers, am a con-
siderable of a bird ; he'm haflf inseck and haff anamal, an
am 'bout de size ob a haff grown rat. He am like a
rat kase it has fur on jis like a tievin' scoundrell, and
he am also ra^ified by habin a tail in de usual place. He
head am like a buck rabbit's, and he resembles an editor
'bout dis regin a good deal too, kase it am defishint berry
much in de brains ; and he am also like justice — bein
stone lalind. If justice was stone blind it would do ;
but dis one-sided, cross-eyed way ob doing justice am
" awful papers,'' as we say in French. He toes am fledged
wid sharp claws, like a California pickaxe, and he habits
am berry uni-egular, because he will fly 'bout nites, and
human natur, seemin pleased wid his nocturnal propensities,
hab gibben him a pair ob wings, seeminly for no odder
arfly purpose ; and I would 'rise all ob you fellers to be on
de look out for dese chaps in de nite time, for, if one
bats you side ob de head, you'd labor under a hallelujah ob
de mind for two weeks and a fortnight, and jis as like as not
git in de lunatick silam in Centre street. If one ob dem
'tempt to bat me any nite, when I am comin' home late from
beein out on charitable purposes, I'll take him afore a alder-e
man on a rit ob " heap's-o-corpses," as lawyers call it, and
sware salt and bat-terj on him.

I hab to 'form dis siety dat Deacon Lofty from Bostun is-
'spected in town in a few days prior to his nominating hcseff
for de presedency. It . am not none yet wedder he will
bring a trabblin companion wid him or not, but sebrel
sisters, boff black and wite, hab kindly woluntered
to act in dat compasity to see dat his morals am not
tampered wid in dis wicked city. I tink it wisable, my

THE CEOCODILE. 129

dear wooley heads, dat you should take up a collection
sufBcient to purchase a hunderd clams to be made into soup
for his special benefit, during his stay among us, as a change
ob diet mite play de debbel wid his scrutinary functions ;
derefore Brudder Fitz will please pass round de sasser, and
look out for bad pennies, kase dey will " ring em iu " on
ns sometimes, if we aint careful!. I understand dat de
Hanabel Black Guards, a company ob sogers named in
honor ob myseff, will turn out on he 'rible, and scorch him
true de five pints.

LECTURE XXXIX,

THE CROCODILE.

Belubed Sistern and Bruddern :

Habin receibed a free gratis ticket for notin wid de
resj; ob de clergy, to wisit de Tom Tamb cattle show ob
bullefants, Barnums, and odder queeriosities; I put on my
new wite hat which Brudder Knox sent me lass week done
■up in a " horn" box, and seizin' my big cane, which hab got
de hed ob a jackass carbed on de top, which Brudder
Greeley leff me to remember him by wile he went to de Bri-
tish John Bull show shop, and puttin on my specks which I
got, it am none ob your bizness whar, I wended my way to
de carawan, and wen I got dar I foun myseff in a managery.
Sum ob de pepil was complainin, kase dey sed dey eudent see
Barnnm no whar, hut I lafPd at dem, kase I cood see him in
'most ebery cage, 'septin ob course de cages whar de wild
beastosses was. "Well, I looked all 'round at de old and
young bullefants, de liun and de monkeys, wich all surbe

6*

180 BLACK DIAMONDS.

food fur reflecshui), ef food fur nobody else, and I foun
almost ebery species ob human natur 'mong dem, 'septin de
beufell cretur none in de anamals ob" fame as de krokem-
dile, and as he was not dar I will splanify his. life, charakter,
and costume to you, so you'll be posted up oa de subjick.

DE KROKEIIDILE,

My frens, am a beast and a fish too, — dat means he am
anty phebeus anamal. De wise men in de East — dat am on
de eastern shore ob Maryland — ^belebe him to be de connec-
tin link twixt de Abolishunist and de Maremaid, and de
-more I cogitate de matter ober in my own hed, de. more I is
led to belebe in de same 'xclusive 'pinion, kase de krockem-
dile hab got a tale like a fish, so hab de Maremaid, dat
makes him ,like de fish and de Maremaid ; and he likes
young and tender niggar, so does de Abalishunist, 'specially
de female gender, wich makes him like de Abalishunist, and
deir lub boff amount to 'bout de same ting. Dese fellers am
alike in anudder instink, kase dey boff shed krockemdile tears
ober de darkey race.

De lub ob de krockemdile am so strong for de darkey,
dat he hab been knone to chase him on a sandy beech for a
mile, cryin arter him all de time. He am by natur like an
alderman, kase he lubs fresh meat amazin, and he am all jaw
and nebber sez enyting ob consequence. He am like de
darkey to, kase he lub to lay in de sun and sun heseff jis like
lazy niggar in fly time. He will lay on 'him back widhim
mouf wide open till he git it full ob flies, muskeetoes, tomat-
toes, bumblebees, and grasshoppers, and den widout ringin a
bell or gibin eny warnin to de insec world, all ob a suddin
he slaps down he upper jaw, shuts he mouf like a seller door,
and wo Be to all inside dem jaw. He lays eggs, so does a

THE CKOCODILE. 131

hen, and he am got claws like a hen, but dat dont make him-
chickin-heartecf. Altogedder, my frens, at full lengf or
kivled up, he am a scaley chap, and I 'wise you as a freu to
cut his 'quaintance weuebber you meet him. If you should
pitch fite wid him you will fine dat, like de skunk, he can do
"much 'xecushun" (as day say 'bout de soger man) wid he
tail ef he gets ^ crack at you, derfore, do as I do now, leff
him alone.

De darkey dat was so liberal as to put a counterfit dollar-
bill in de sasser lass week is knone to me, and if he don't
make instant persparushun for de rong committed, I shall
'xpose him to de hole congrega.shun, so Jim Crolen jis come
up here and git your bad dollar, and ef you come dat ober
me again I'll turn yon out ob meetin. /

Brudder Sillyons K. Muffin rites me from Long Island,
dat sence he got married lass April he hab bin tendin
a protracted "Lub Feast." I should like to tend sich a
" Lub Feast" as dat meseff.

Brudder James W. Cobb "Webb will honor de company
by passin 'round de usual sasser

132 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XL.

THE RHINOCEEOS.

Dear Sisters and Brudders :

I IS berry glad to find dat a true sirt for 'nolage
hab brout so meny ob you to hear me lectur dis ebenin'.
De subjick dat I shall spoke 'bout on dis 'tickler 'casion will
be one dat shood kommand wide awake listeners, kase I
shall splanify some tings dat no foolosefer hab yetdiskibered
in dis 'ligtined country, and I spect to see my name em-
blasted on de m'ckutchon ob fame, and handed down to pos-
terity by my antsisturs in preseedin' - years to come in kon-
sequence dereof. I shall once more 'xtract my diskushun
from natral histree, and de fust beast dat I shall 'tack
will be

DE RINOSSINHOSS.

Some folks mou't call it de rinossincow, kase it hab got a
horn on him hed ; but he am set down as rinossinA^w in de
Comic Almynack, and odder elemwated works on siance,
and derefor I tink he am considerable ob a hoss, and notin'
a tall to do wid de cow speeches. He am a bery fine lookin'
kritter, rangin' in size 'tween de mouse and de elemfant, and
he am nie de cullor ob a wheat and Ingin nigger, wid de
small pox. He 'sembles de cullored man berry sumtously
'bout de mouf, 'septin de nose, kase de darkey's am flat,
broad, and soft, whilede odder am notin softer or shorter
den a horn, and he finds de utmost diffikulty in blowin' he

THE RHINOCEROS. 133

own horn or nose, and derefore he differs egregiouSly from
de editor, kase de latter anamal blows he own horn jist as
easy as if it was natral to him, and looks upon it as a luxery
dat neber 'pears to tire him.

My der ignumrent hearers, de rinossinhoss am a anty
phebious creter, jis like de crockemdile, and he libs more den
haff de time in de water, and hence he am better off den de
poorer class ob de wite and de cullered peeple in dis sitty,
kase he can get a baff during de hot wedder free gratis for
notin' wheneber he wants it, wich shows 'clusibely to my
mind dat proyemdental natur takes Hfetter care ob de beasts
ob de feelds den de corporation takes ob de lower classes ob
'siety. I gess I cut somebody's buttons den. One reason
why he don't s,tay on land more'n he dose am kase he got
eny quantity ob corns on he tose, which render he " long
marches, dreadful measures," as de posel Shakespur sez.

De corns on he toes am jis as hard as de horn on he -nose,
which make de lamed Goldsmith, not de larned blacksmith,
class him 'mong de homey anamals ; and what makes it
worse for him is de fack dat he don't no how to read de
noosepapers, dere nebber habin bin no mishenary siety yet
'tablished to go mong dem to upset free schools, to lam
dem to read ; else, dey could see at once what sab to use to
kure dere korns. Ah; my frends, you hab no idia ob de
ignnmrance dere am in dis world.

De had ob de rinossinhoss am 'bout de size ob a young
flour barrel, and he lips am berry much like cullored man's
'speshaly when him smile. He got a bery 'spressive, open
countenance, and his food consists of ebery ting good in de
market, 'septin spoon witals and hoe cake, and de only
reason he don't lub clams am 'kase he don't noe how to
open 'em. His skin lay on him back wid all de ease ob a
bed quilt promuskusly trown ober an empty barrel ob sider,

134 BLACK DIAMONDS.

and it am hard as de hart ob a ole miser. Musket biillitS
fired into his ribs, insted ob hurtin' him, only ticlde him so
dat it set him a laffiu',_aiid de balls 'bound back on de
shooter, jis like a big lie 'bound back in de face ob de liar
and slanderer. De bess way to cotch dese fellers (de rinos-
sinhosses) am to get behind dem and dob molasses on dar
little tails, and when dey turn dere heds 'round to lick it off,
jis trow a rope ober it, and lasseso him, as dey do de mad
bulls in Mexico, and den you got em foul.

Brudder Tom Huskings will please pass 'round de usual
sasser, and keep he big blue eyes from peepin' under de
bonnets ob de fair sex.

LECTURE XLI.

WHAT WE ALL WANT.

My Dear Wooley Heads :

De subjick dat I is choosed for my tex dis ebening,
am one ob great interest to dis community. It am somefin
you am all seekin arter, but nebber fine ; you offen tink you
noe whar de little joker am, but you noe sooner put your
finger on it, dan he arn'ent dar. Darfore I shall draw my
discord on de subjick ob —

HAPPYNESS.

Happyness, my perspirin frens, am de ting dat all man-
kine am arter, and human natur made man so different, de

WHAT WE ALL -WANT. 135

one from de odder, dat what am one man's happyness am
anudder man's ratsbane ; and so it am in de wegetable
kingdom and 'mong de insex. De clam am 'puted to be
happy on a sand bank at high water, and a bee am sed to
fine happyness in a tar barrel, but dat's not to say dat a
cullored man would feel happy a rollin in a tar barrel on de
beach at Coney Island. De young look for it in de marriage
life, and de old look for it in de grabeyard, but f don't look
for it in eder ob dese speres ob life.

My ignorant hearers, I is, on dis berry 'portant 'casion,
gwane to tell you what I consider constipates happiness. It
am a clar conshence and a full stomach ; not too full ob de
latter, but de former maybe as pure and clar as monshine.
It am a glorious ting to hab a clar conschence so you can
lay down at nite and tink dat you hab not injured nor ronged
nobody all day. Den it am dat you can roll yourseff up in
de sheet ob contentment and de blanket ob innosence, and
sleep and snore in your wartuos beds wid all de sassegefac-
shuB ob a hog in a mud hole ; and den in de mornin wen
you wake up, you can walk forth in all your strength ob
manhood (I don't mean smellin strength), and am not
afeard to look you feller man plump in de face. Dat's ^de
happyness I enjoy. But how different am it wid sum ob
you fellers dat will steal chickens and sich tings ! You lay
down at nite wid your hed cubbered wid de bed-close for
fear de policeman cotch you, and den all day you keep dog-
gin 'round de corners in dread and fear ob de same anamal%
I recomlect many years ago how I felt arter I had stolen
somefin ; it was one nite when my fadder and my modder
wus gone to bed, dat I cum home late from a huskin frolic
dat ole master Wanraraseller gib to de darkeys on de plan-
tashun, and wen I lit de candle to go to bed, I foun a bas-
kit ob clams dat fadder hab bin and cotched in de arter-

136 BLACK DIAMONDS.

noon ; well I sot down de candle and went at de clams and
put 'em away mitey fass, till I eat 'em a moss all up, and
den I go to bed ; but I cudn't sleep, I role and tumbled all
nite like a empty barrel on de brinary osun ; I tink wat de
debil am de matter ! kase I begin to feci sufBn queer in de
bread basket, when all at wonce I taut I bin eatin a moss a
hundred stolen clams, and dey lay like a leaden anker on my
conschence, and dey did hurt me like beeswax. My groans
'sturbe de ole woman ; she ax me wat ails me, I tole her,
and she say it surbed me rite, and wood larn me not to
meddle wid odder peepel's clams agin. I got skeard, and
rushed out ob de house, model artist as I was, and run to
Dr. Bunsby's. Dis doctor was an Alapackest, and he bled
me at once, and den gib me a dose or two ob sirrup ob swill
and ruebub, and by daylite I got ober it. It was a awfal
nite, and it larned me de wallue of a clar conschence.

My frens, if you wish to be happy in dis world, do all de
good you can to de poor, speak kine to every body, ef it am
only a dog. Don't decibe, and lie to your frens ; put as
much as you kan in de sas§er every week, and don't eat raw
clams to any 'xtent at bed time, wedder dey am stolen or
not, and I tink you can stan a far chance not only ob bein
happy in dis world, but you will occupy a snug place in
Abraham's bosom, providin' he takes niggers in dat spacious
apartment.

I is 'sprised to fine wun or two ob de sisters hab 'dopted
de wnlgar new Turkey trowsers and Ingin woman's straw
hats, which. Missus Hickery Smith hab been lecturin on. I
tink it wood do well auuff for de young sisters, but wat
ebber put it into de hed ob ole fat Ice Cream Anty Clawson
to put on her- ole man's trowses and broad tale soger coat,
wat he used to wear wen he blow'd de base drum in de
nigger band years ago, am a mistery to my calculatin'

VISIT TO THE PEE:3II)ENT. 131

functions. She look so like a ole obcrgrowu Rang Otanpj
dat slie make ebbry body laff rite out in meetin. Bf she
cum here agin in her "new custume'' as she calls it, I'll
'xpose her to de hole congregashun.

Brudder Slofeel will 'xceed in showin dat new five dollar
suit he got on, ef he will hab de perlashness to pass round
de usual sasser, and let him remember I'm watchin dem
tievin irons ob Ms'n all de time.

LECTURE XLII.

VISIT TO THE PRESIDENT.

Felloe Disciples :

I IS sorry to hab to pear afore you in de shape ob an
'pology, but de fact am I hab bin so bizzy wid-one ting and
annudder sence I lass spoke to you, dat I had not hab time
to fix up a lectur on any siautific subjeck. Sarcumstancus
hab followed sarcumstances in sich rapid suckseshun, jist like
de cars on 'de railroad track, dat my mind hab bin 'tirely
prostitute.

De fust suckemstance dat affect me was de rible ob
Massa Foolmore, de presemdent ob dis mitey nation, kase
you see I hab a little bizness wid him dat 'quire specific atten-
tion. I called on him once at de wite house in Washing-
ton ; but it happened to be wash day, and I found Mrs.
Foolmore bizzy washin, and she .was cros as blazes .bekase I
cotched her widout her Sunday dress on, so Massa Fool-
more tipped me de wink, and he gib me sixpence to drink he
half wid, and tole me to call agin. I tanked him soderi-
fously, and promised to do de same which he 'spress ; but

138 BLACK DIAMONDS.

my ardent bizness led me to git back to de uorf by
de nex train. So I nebber call on Massa Foolmore
arter dat, till he 'ribed hear lass Tuesday, when tiiiking it
my duty, I went down to de Irwing House and ring de bell.
A cullored man, behind a big pair ob mustachoes and a wite
apron, opened de doe, and in a gruffy woise ax'd me " wat I
wanted at dat doe," and " why I didn't go to de kitchen
doe ?" I la£f at he imperence, and told him I was a friend
ob de presemdent, and dat I wished to spoke wid him.

" Don't belibe it,'' sed de dandy nigger, " but you kin
send your caird up, and if he sez yon kin come up, I'll 'scorch
yon to de rooms."

Well den I was in a fix. I neber did hab eny cairds wid
my name on in partickilyer, and I was for a minit put to an
uublush, but all at once I remembered dat I had- a pack ob
cairds, in my coat tail pocket dat I took away from
Sam Lipley, Guss Trealms, Joe Sampson and Dave Kinney,
when I found dem down by Caffrine market playing bluff on
a barrel head lass Sunday nite, in de moonshine, so takin
out de Jack ob Spades I rote my name dus, J. C. Hauner-
Bull, and gib it to de cullored pusson. He showed his ivo-
ries clear 'cross he face, and sauntered up stairs. In
a minit I hear Massa Foolmore's woise wieh say, '-Show her
up.'' Den I hear de waiter say, " It aint a she. It am a
he." "Get out," say de Presemdent, " de caird sez it's
Hanner Bull, send her up."

" Shill I send up de pusson dat rote dat name on de
caird ?" axed de waiter.

" Presisely," said Massa^ Foolmore, and in anudder minnit
I was at de doe. I gin a Rochester nock wid my fist, and
de doe was opened by de Presemdent heseff, who was more
den delited to see me. He shook hands wid me, and 'wited
me to take a seat. I sot down and we hab a long confab

VISIT TO THE PRESIDENT. 139

togedder 'bout de nation and tings in general, not General
Tings. Arter axio me many quis.sliuns 'bout Brudder Tap-
pin, My Coon Smith and odders ob less note, he sed he
wished to ax me 'bout a class ob community which he alers
took a great interest in, and he blibed dad he had a good
many frends 'mong dem, and thought I node more 'bout dem
den odder people. " To wot class do you 'lude," I ax'd
wid impatients, seeing how interested he was on de subjeck.
" De New Boys," said he, "dey spend dere short exist-
ence in spreadin abroad de lite ob siance."

" Dat's a fac," said I, " dey work for de confusion ob use-
ful nolage."

" Let me ax you, Mr. Hannerbull," again returned he,
insultin' de caird which he held wid my name on, "Do de
newsboys embrace de privilege ob usin de public baffs,
which de corporation so wisely and so nobly instituted for
dere use, and for de use ob de rest ob de poor folks dat hab
to lib in submarine sellers and penned up apartments ?"

I told him he must be crazy, kase I nebber har ob dem
baffs, and I didn't blibe from de 'pearance ob de boys dat
eny ob dem did edder. He said de boys should be looked
arter, kase he 'spected to find a good many ob dem in de
" House " in a few years.

I ax'd him which house be meant, de House ob Refuge,
de Poor House, or de Station House. Neder ob dem, said
he; I mean de House ob Congress. I tole him dat news-
boys was found all ober creation, and I 'spected de House
ob Congress would be full ob dem.

Dea he axe me how de Picayune get along; an he was
'stonished wen I tole him dat obber tirty-flve thousand
copies was sold weekly ; he said he got it ebery week at de
Wite House; and den he axed me confidenshely if - 1
couldn't stir up de 'Mare to keep de streets a little clean,

140 BLACK DIAMONDS.

and remarked dat he was 'shamed ob de condishun ob de
city. I tole him dat a man had inwented a merchene dat
would keep de streets perfectly clean for one tird wat it
now cost to keep dem in de present filty state. He wanted
to noe why it was not employed, and I tole him de trafif,
" Bekase it can't wote." Arter a few complimentary 'marks
on my great talents, larning, and foolosophy, he 'lowed me to
take my deparchure arter exagtia a promise to call on him
at home soon.

On de fuss ob May I bin mobin my quarters. I lib now
in Tatar Peelin Alley, No. 9, tird floor, back room, war I
keeps bacheler hall, till I fine a likely woman for de mar-
riage state. Deacon Flatsmeller will please hand 'round
de sasser, and look out for' bad specie.

LECTURE XLIII.

PHRENOLOGY.

Suspected Woolly Heads :

I SHAix dis ebenin' rebound on de great siance of

FEEENOLOGY.

Freenology am one ob de moss anshent and beutifnl
siances in de hole catalog ob learnin, and am twin sister to
Mesmerism. Freenology consists in gittin 'nolage free, like
you am dis ebening: it was fust discubered in de free schools,
and was always looked 'pon by de larned as bein closely
connected wid "E pluribus TJnum."

PHRENOLOGY. 141

In order to fully 'splain my seff on dis 'portant siance, I
went to de slawghter house, up in Christy street, and got
dis skull. It was emposable for me to get de bed ob de
human body at the Horsepital, so I hab to use dis sheep's
head, which no doubt will answer de same purpos, 'kase it
hab got de wool on.

De fast bump in a cullered man's bed — and it taint no
use bodderin 'bout enny odder man's hed — am siterated on
de top, and called by de siantifick de cokanut bump; dis
bump lays in a triangular form ober de bump of don't-care-
a-d^n-ativeness, which ebery black man's hed am fully
blessed wid; some ob de lower order ob cullered men hab
got de bump of ori-gin-ality, which renders derii 'septable
ob drinkin bad gin made up into slings and toddies. But,
my stingy frens, I warn you to stop dis sling biziuess, or
else you will sling yousefifs into de place whar de brimstone
matches am made.

De bump dat am moss cultiwated in de cnllered man hed,
am call'd on Fowler & Wells' map ob de brane, " Amative-
ness." Dis am de bump dat plays de debil wid de fair sex,
bekase dat am whar Kupid springs from; dis bump lays in
de back ob de neck, near de coat collar; it am call'd de
bump ob Inb! Wat am all de sisters feelin in de back ob
deir necks for ? Wy! dere am not one in dis hole assem-
blige dat cood tell it if dey had it as largely enweloped as
Professor Maffit! It am dis bump whar all de selfishness
and wickedness ob mankind lays;, and I wood say a word
to'dem fellers as hab got an ober quantity ob it. Look out
how you fool you time 'round de opposite sex, kase wen you
fall in lub dis bump swells to such an 'xtent dat it ober-
wellms de hole brane, common sense am kicked out ob de
crainum, and lub rain 'spreme till ebery abenue leadin to de
soul am oberflow'd wid de milk ob human kindness, and it

142

BLACK" PIAJIOKDS.

takes an " orfull poleUce," as we say in French, to traduce
de swell'd bump to its proper size.

Wats all de sisters lafQn 'bout ? You better insult your
own koiishunce and see ef you hadn't better laff de odder
side ob your mouffs. Sich imperence in meetin I neber did
see!

De nex fac I will call your 'tention to am dis: De hed ob
man, like de foot ob de Hog, am divvided into two parts; de
front part am whar de intellectual orgins am, and dis part
b'hind de ears am whar de aua'mal propersishens am; dis
part ob de forehed am none as de Horse-frunt-us, or frunt-
•ill-bone, b'kase it am all bone and in de frunt ob de head,
which fully 'counts for de nigger's hed bein hard 'nuff to
butt down de stone fence. Sum ob de pretenders to dis
siance hab 'serted dat de brane lays here, but wen dey probe
to'me dat de brane am bofte den I will side wid dem, and
not afore. De bump ob " Benebolence" am sitemated on
de top ob dis, but I don't see dat stickin out werry excrusi-
atin on enny ob your heds; but I may be mistaken, and wen
de sasser goes 'round de fac will probe itsefP.

" Combatavness " am found mitey big in de cullered race.
It lays 'long side ob " Firmness,'' which bump am 'lustrated
on de map by de jackass, which shows how much easyer it
am to coax dan to dribe. Some people hab got bigger
bumps dan odders, and dis am de way you will find it out :
s'pose you hab a squarrell wid a man and you call him a
liar, and he sez, "Bf you call me dat twice more I'll smack
you cross de chops." Dat man hab got combataveness small,
but ef at de moment dat you call de man a liar, you find
youseff a roUin in de gutter win you nose split open, you
may make upyour mind dat it sticks out on dat man's head
so big yon cau hang your hat on it.

" Cautiousness " am putty well enweloped too in collored

PHRENOLOGT. 543

man, and dat de reazin dey lub to hunt de same ole coon ;
dey kreep kaushisly 'long de fence till dey git rite under
whar he am " a settin on a rale," and den wid telegrofick
quickness he sezes him by de tail and trows him ou de ground.
Dis fac has 'spired de poets to rite songs 'bout it which you
all noe by heart.

" Self 'steem" am sum in de race likewise; also, as dere
horror ob swasheatin wid de wite trash, and de manner in
which dey " steem up " 'kashionally, fully probes.

'■ Imitation " is consnipcious 'mong dem too, but de mon-
key beats dem all holler in dat bump, which I 'sider no dis-
grace to de monkey tribe; but one ob de biggest bumps
found in de hole hed ob de decenters ob de African race,
'cordin to de work ob Brudder Bill Seaweed on Erective
Franchise, am call'd " Alamentiveness.'' Dis am de bump
dat enables a feller to tell wat am good to eat, an how mufth
he ort to gormandize at a time ; for incstinck, you go in de
seller by Caferine Market, and you see a man call for a
plate ob raw clams and a plate ob sassengers. Well, if he
eat de clams and leabe de sassengers, den he got de small
bump; but ef he eat em boff, den be got it big. Sum nig-
gars got it mity big, dat dey not oney eat up de clams and
sassengers, but call for a plate ob pork and beans, and want
it " most all pork, and a good deal ob beans," to top off
wid. I call dat hog eatin hog.

And now dat I see I got you all in de noshun ob eatin, I
will 'smiss you, so you kin go home and get a cold bite, and
wile Brudder Lem Clawson passes round de sasser I will
remark dat I don't want nobody to ring in dem new free
cent pieces on me for a " fip," as was come on me lass week.
I don't take em for sixpence no how.

144 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XLIV

MESMERISM.

Darkened Hearers :

It gibs me joy to see so menny ob you on hand dis
ebenin. As de wedder grows warmer it will be empossable
for you-all to crowd into dis room, unless you hab a 'xtra-
ordinary supply of kalonge water and essence ob pepper-
mint 'mong your clothes. De subject dat I call upon my-
seff to spoke to you about on dis 'tickler 'caision am de twin
sister to Freenology, which Freenology I used up last week
all to nuffin. I shall open on you dis time on de great
'fulgent siance of

MUSSMERISM.

Dis ober powerful siance hab waked up de hole world,
notwidstandin it am de sleepiest subjick in de hole wokabu-
lary ob uateral fenomonens. It howebber hab nebber bin
found out properly, nor nebber will be, I speck, till some
larn'd cullcred man take it up and splanifys de whole ting.
Dr. Cod's hab published a pulpit on de subjick, and Pro-
fessor Greeley hab used it and heself up at de same time,
but no lite wort perservin hab been shed by eder ob dese
lunatics.

Dr. Cods kontends dat Mussmerism lays in de brane pan,
wich pan lays in de top ob de hed. wich I tink seedingly

MESMERISM. 145

like de fac, kase wen a man lays down at nite to sleep, he
head lays down lopsided too, which ob cose upsets de brane
pan and spills de Mussmerism all ober de human system and
puts de man to sleep ; dat looks nateral, ai\d I tink ole
Cods am rite. You musent 'spose, you poor ignnmram-
pusses, dat Mussmerism konsists in you ebber bein reddy to
be a kickin up a muss wharebber you go, jis like Mose when
he runs wid der merchene, kase dat kind 6b siance am alto-
gedder different from de siance 'spressed iu my tex.

Mussmerism, my stingy followers, am simply de art of
puttin a feller creture to sleep, an keepin him 'wake at de
same time. It am jis dis — 'spose Pompey Augustus Mouldy-
heel dar, de barber's cleark's 'sistant, should happen to noe
whar dar was a dinner pot fall ob Kalifornia gold buried,
and den 'spose I got Pompey in a chair, and arter spokin
some latin and "lapsus lingo" in he ear to sooff his fears,
and I paw ober his face and trow de telemgrafic or
magnitized J)urning fluid ober he arms and odder 'xtremities,
and I git him fass a sleep — and den when he am asleep,
'spose ole Pronse Ginger dar, de clam soup merchant, should
pull he big toe and ax him whar de dinner pot ob money
am, an den Pompey should tell him so he kin git it — dat's
Mussmerism.

" Wat's dat sister Jonson axes ?"

" 'Spose Pompey woodent tell 'bout de money, wat wood
dat be ?"

" Why, I should kail dat de blackest kind ob niggerism."

De fungusmental principals of Mussmerism am foun in
large qwantities in de 'lectric telemegraf, an am konwayed
tru de human body wid all de liveliness ob a fresh bunch
ob eels ; it am a scase article 'mong ole maids and ole
bachelors, but young galls and boys now an den git a shock
dat brings dem togedder like an arthquake an make deir

7

146 BLACK DIAMONDS.

hearts flutter like a newly killed chicken. When it 'tacks
de human body dat way it am kall'd by us larn'd scollers
Anamal Magnitism, for de simple reason dat de magnetic
sluses rush true de canals ob de body like de — de — de —
like de — ^like fire.

Now you all noe all 'bout dis 'culiar siance, and you kin
hold your heads up proud as a lucifer match merchant.

De collecshun lass week, owin to de intxocumducshun ob
de tree cent pieces, was not suffishent to pay my washwo-
man. Ef you dont chip up enny better, previous to dis
I shall be 'pelled to anser a berry loud call from de
Souff, dat I recebe lass week.

I am 'quested to state to dis congregashun dat dere am
gwane to be a ball next Saturday nite at Taller Cuff's
seller, nie ole Bare Market, and short-heel'd Jake hab
learned de dance kall'd de poker, and anodder one dey kail
de shotteef, which he 'poses to teach to some ob de ladies
on dat casion. Sam Ticklip will be dar wid ha five dollar
fiddle. No refreshments sarbed up widout de tree cents
'company each order for de same. Clam soup will be serbed
up in tree corses — once widout cracker, once wid crackor,
and once widout crackor. Dancin commence at early can-
dellite, an' I am expectedly inwited to be present, and if
Florinda J&cobes will sustain my company, I shall be dar
jis to keep tings all strate.- I don't tiuk dar am enny harm
in dancin, so long as you pay de fideler, prowidin' you don't
dance for eels Sunday mornins down by de fish markets.

While de hand orgin am playin de useal ducksholiday, I
will pass round de sasser myseff dis time, kase I is mity
short, and I jis want to see who puts in de plate and who
does not.

ON PROVIDENCE. 141

LECTURE XLV.

ON PKOVIDENCE.

My Woollt Heads:

I IS gwane to spoke to you dis ebeniu' 'bout

PROVENDENCE.

Now, when I say Provendence, you must not 'spose dat I
mean a steambote ob dat name, nor de city dat bears dat
apperation, dat lays a little to de leff ob de Sound, which de
trabbler hears in de East ribber, as he ascendingly goes
down to Boston. De Provendence I mean sends us de
bread and butter to eat, de cold water to drink, and now
and den de sassengers and root beer, and odder 'freshments.
Yes, my frens, de Provendence I mean am a frend to de
hole human race ; he makes no extinctshun atwixl
de cullored peeples and de wites, and derefore am to be fully
trusted in at all times, kase he am sure to fetch all tings
rite and tite in time.

Who sed "Hallumlujah ?" Look here, my suspected
frens, I don't want no brudder nor sister to interrupt me by
sich spokins out in meetin as dat, kase it trous de kar ob
thort off de trac ob my diskord, and smashes my ideas all to
a poultice, or a pumice, it's all de same.

Spoken ob Provendence fetches to my doddle an ole story
dat a ole Yerginia darkey tole me when I was a chile.

You must noe, on a "plantation at de Souff, whar de pes-

148 BLACK DIAMONDS.

sum and de sugar kane grow, dar was an ole lazy nigger
dat dey call Provendence, 'kase he come dere in de middle
ob de nite time, and none ob de odder niggers node whar he
come from, and dey war told Massa ProTendence sent him,
derefore dey named him Provendence. Well, dere was
anudder nigger on de plantation dat dey kall'd Tune, 'kase
he was always wistlin some new tune which he make out ob
he own hed, and den he would play dem on de banjo in de
ebenin, arter de day's work war ober.

Well, Tune and Provendence greate frens togedder, sharein
ebery ting dey got ('septin de lickins Provendence got for
helazyness). Well, de ole massa seein' wat a good, fait-
less nigger Tune was, wanted to gin him Ms freedom ; but he
found dat sich a sementin frenship 'xisted twene dem dat a
separation would be likely to probe fatal to boff, so he told
dem dat if dey jintly would urn so much obber work in a
gibin time, dey boff should be free. Dat make 'em smile
berry loud, and kick up dere heels for joy.

Well, in order to get de work done in time, Tune 'posed
to Provendence to steal de march on de old Massa, and
work on de Sunday ; but Provendence was too lazy to work
week days, let alone Sundays, derefore poor Tune hab to do
all de offer work heseff. Well, one Sunday ole Massa hab
gone to church, and Tune was workin' in de field by de rode
side, and Provendence was loafin' on a haystack, sunnin'
heseff, when an ole wite mishenary preecher man, who was a
passin' on horseback, rode up to Tune and axed him " Why he
worked on de sabbeff ?"

"Ease, said Tune, "ole Massa sed if we git so much
ober work done in sich a time he would gib us free, and den
you noe we kin raise de debiUas much as we like, and stay
cut arter nine o'clock, too."

" Ah," said de preecher man, " freedom am worff workin'

ON PROVIDENCE. 149

•fur, sartinly ; but doa't you tink you could 'eomplish de
work by workin' a little longer each day ob de week ?"

" No, sar-ee," said Tune, " kudent do dat no how."

" I tink you kood," sed de wite man, " 'spose you try dis
week kummin in, and put your trust in Provmdence !"

Well, when he told him dat, Tune tort he was a foolin'
him, and he got mad, and swor'd, and sed, " Provendence be

d d ; he'm de lazyest nigger on de hole plantation, and

if I trust to him we nebber get free in de world. Go long
wid yer ; you don't noe who you am a-talkin' to."

You see by dis fack wat it am to noe which Provendence
it am to trust to.

I am quested to state to dis congregashun dat de row at
de ball in de seller lass Saterday nite was not owin' to Sam
Fugleson 'sultin Pacilla Bmerline Stubbs. It was casioned
by Joe Knothead spitin' on Clem Tuker's new patent ledder
shiny shoes. I was dere myseff till some bad nigger put de
lites out. If I eber ketch de feller done it I'll make him
sweep out de lectur room for a month for notin', and pay me
a fine ob haff a dollar. Brudder Bumpton will please hand
'round de sasser.

150 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XL VI.

"■ ON LOVE.

Bltibed Sisters :

I SHALL spoke to you in particelyer dis ebening, habin
been inquested by Sister ¥lorinda M. Meltum, to lectur on
de popular subjick ob .

But I am rudder fareful dat I is too much unacquainted
wid de 'facts ob lub to fully deamonstrate dis all absurdin
pasliun.

iiub my sbemail hearers, belongs to no ked'entry or
climate ; it am like genus and talent, sent to us in de mid-
dle ob de nite time, when we don't noe notin, nor do we noe
dat we got it till, like de small pox, sukemstances brings it
out ; but de warmer de climate am, de hotter de lub will be
ob korse ; Lub am ruff like de megnut grater, or de skin ob
de pine apple, and it hab nebber been none to run smoff in
its korse sence ole Adam and Ebe was kicked out ob Para-
dice. De poets sez dat music am de feed ob lub, but it
don't foUer dat music dealers am all de time in Jub no more
dan it dus dat peeple who sell pork and beans, or clam
soup, am always hungry.

I nebber was in lub myseff but gis wunce, and dat was
when I war berry young and foolish 'nuff to 'spose I could .
hab every ,ting in dis selestial world gis as I wanted dem,
but sad experience hab nocked dat idea out ob my ole head
years ago.

'- -N>-~

Love and Eels,

ON LOVE. 151

You must noe dat dekustoms ob de peeple in de ked'entry
am berry different from dose in de city, kase dey aint got no
" kustom house" to regemlate de knstoms, for em, and konse-
quently you often find young girls in de ked'entry as inno-
sent as blazes. Well, it was my lot, in my boyhound days
to come across wun ob de kind I 'luded to in de lass
claws.

It was a moonshiny nite, and I was a settin in de boat on
de ribber a bobbin for eels, when I spied her a settin on de
bank ob de ribber a washin her feet. Oh, hallemlujah 1
didn't I feel quere I De eels kept a bitin at my bob while
Inb ?ept a nockin at my heart and pluck ; she was de lub-
liest creatur I ebber seed (present company allers sus-
pected) ; her eyes shine like two new silber dollars bound
round wid black velvet : and her gum elastic lip open and
shut on a row ob teef dat shine like bull dogs in a tunder
shower, and her smile was like de sparkle ob de litening bug
as he sales tru de florifous air, her form was graceless and
faultful. Oh ! I nebber shall forgit dat nite ; de hot
flushesh shot tru and tru my wains, and de cold swet stood
on my forehead like de big rain drops ob de April shower ;
wun time I tort she was a gwane to spoke to me, and I held
my breff to cotch de sound, and den she didn't say notin,
but kept a danglin her feet in de water, and den all at
wunce, when I tort she was a gwane to sleep, she axed me
in de moss elemfant manner, " If I had enny luck ?"

" Yes, indeed," sed I ; "I kotch two mity big eels afore
you kim, but from de minit I seed you I kudent bob no
more."

" Wat's de reason ?" she axed.

I told her " I didn't noe, but dat it was a fac what I say
to you."

"Well," sed she,

152 BLACK DIAMONDS.

" Ef you aint agoin to bob no mo',
You best put up you line and come asho'."

I didn't want a second inwite, so I skuU'd ashore and tide
de boat fass, and as I was gis gwane to pick up my eels to
take em home, she put her lubly arms 'round my neck, and
lookin me full in deface, like a lien looks at de piece obraw
meat, she whispered —

"Luffde eels be.
And talk to me."

Well, den I felt wusser dan ebber, and in an ungarded
moment I 'lowed myseif to set down on de bank and ftake
lub to her. Dar am no use ob my tryin to tell you how
highfalutiu I felt on dat 'tickler 'casion, kase I kudent do it ;
I tort dar was a flock ob pigeons in my westcoat all a flut-
terin to get out.

Wat's dat cross-eyed sister ober dar along side long Cudjo
a laf&n at ? she'd better quit sich goins on in meetin ; it's
abdamable I

Well, we staid dar till a late hour, and den I went home
haff crazy arter dat gal ; but fate isshued a specific order
dat we should not get married, kase it was oney a week
arter dat, dat she war taken wid a coal 'in de hed, mingled
wid de yaller janders and de small-pox tinged wid de mezles
and consumption, and notwidstandin de doctor man gub
her moss a haff a barrel ob medicine in two or tree doses,
she continued to git no better fass, and on de ninf day de
ship fever took a round turn in her system, a strong appetite
set in, and — and dat nite at 2- o'clock in de mornin she
died. * * Two days arter we berried her on de bank ob
de stream, at ebening, while de cool heifers gently wandered
tru de trees — and dus ended my fuss and last lub scrape.

Dose ob de sistern dat didn't bring pocket-hanshings wid

ON LOVE. 153

dem' dis evening, not 'spectin so 'fectin a discord, ken hab
mine to dry dar tears wid ; it am a big one sent to me by
de Daucus 'Siety, and hem'd by Sister C. Coal.

From wat little I nose ob lub, I 'warn you all ob boff
sexes to beware ob its influence. It will upset you kalcu-
lashun apparatus quicker dan enny ting in de world ; it will
make you as pale and flimsey as a wet dish cloff ; it libs on
moonshine and music, and de 'mortal posel Shakespare sez
dat it

" Fattens 'pon wat it feeds on,"

in his song book ob " Oteller," and I noe ob noe 'tecshun
dat wiU bring a feller down so quick as an ober quantity ob
dis lub ; but de world kudent git 'long widout it, kase it am
de mainspring dat regemlates de works ob all nations, and
am found in large and small quantities in de bosoms ob
ebery body, and you can allers tell who hab got de most ob
it by deir action to deir nabors. Lub am de noblest senti-
ment ob de sole, and I agin 'wise you to lub wun anodder, be
kind to all 'round you, and wen you get on you Sunday go
to meetin close don't turn up your nose at dem who don't
look quite so smart as you do, kase it shows a wicked heart
whar lub neber enters — ^kindness cost notin, and it am
'cuKarly pleasant, 'specially to your worthy lecturer.

Sam Bucklip will please pass 'round de useal sasser — kul-
lecshun berry slim laSs week.

1*

154 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XLTII.

FUTURE PUmSHMENT.

Deluded Disciples:

In quensiconse ob bein inquested by a brudder, who
signs his inquest " Water st.," to lectur on de subject ob

FUTURE PUNISHMENT OB DE- LASS DAT,

I hab 'eluded to do so on dis refulgent 'casion. It is not
my 'tention or wish to lectur' on eny religius subjicks, bi^t to
•please dis brudder I do so for dis wunee only.

Dar am so many different 'nominations dat blibein such a
contrast ob future punishment, dat it puzzles eben a man ob
my deep larnin, expended foolosophy and manure judgment,
to gib eny ting like a solid chunk ob an 'pinion on de matter.

One 'nomination blibe dat de wicked go to a big lake dat
am burnin constantly wid fire and brimstone, and runs in
streams ob liquid hot lead ; dis lake am sed to be surround-
ed by de mountains ob sin and misery, so dar's no 'scape.

Anudder sect tink it am a hotter place dan de rest, and
not sassagefried wid de fire and brimstone, wish to mix in a
quantity ob assafidity and kiam pepper,' gist to make it dis-
tingaree from de place dat de first 'nomination blibe in,

A fird sect tink dar am two orfull places ob dis kind ;
wua dey call purgetory, and de odder dey paint out to be
as hot as lub in August. Dis lass place am for murderers,
tieves, and sich fellers, and de odder am for hipocrits, wits
liars, loafers, lawyers and actors.

A fourth 'nomination discaird all dis kind ob punishment

FUTURE PUNISflMENT. 155

and blibe dat, like de man in tite boots, we recibe our pun-
ishment as we go along.

Ole Mr. Sweetzenbugger sez ddt wen we lebe dis atmost-
fear we go to annudder and lib wid -kindid spirits, so ob
korse cuUored peeple will lib wid cullered peeple ,ef dey am
good, but ef dey am bad, dey got to smingle wid de wite trash
gis de same as dey do in dis v/orld ob sin and waccination.

My. poor ignumrent hearers, all dese 'nominations am per-
fectly rite, and ef you don't blibe me gis ax eny wun ob dem
and see ef dey don't tell you so — and I blibe dat it am a
good ting for all ob us dat tings am as dey am, for ef de
masses ob mankind war to blibe dar was no future punish-
ment for de sinner, dey would run riot in sin and selfishness.
arid dis selestial airth would be turned into wun wast slaw-
ter house and carwin shop in less den np time. Man
wouldn't stop to oney murder he feller man, but he'd Sell de
bones to de button factory and de flesh to de sassenger
makers de same as dey do de dogs in dese days. Insted ob
de kanals bein filled wid de blessed waters from do clar and
coolin lakes, de kanal botes would float in de blood ob man-
kind, and all creation would stan palsied wid a fright.

I tink de more feeble de iuteleck ob man am, de more
nesessary it am to kee^ dis burnin lake in his mind, gis
like my ,ole school massa used to lay his rattan on de front
ob he de.sk and ax de boys wat he done wid it. It 'quires
sumfin to keep people' strate, so look out wat you am about,
keep you eye skinned for future futuriety, kase you kant
swar you sins on enny body else on de lass day, like Pete
Pifer did de stealiu ob dat hundred clams on me. Ebery
tub hab got to stan on it's own bottom den, and take de
'sponsibility ob deir own axes. Dat will be an orfull day
for sum folks dat I nose dis minit.

It am sed dat on dat day bone will come to bone and flesh

156 BLACK DIAMONDS.

to flesh. Now sposen a, man start from here to de Ingen
country, and in a muss wid de natives, he loses wun ob his
arms ; he den goes to Harlam and gits one ob his legs cut
off by de rale road ; he comes to town on de 4t ob July and
gits his eye nocked out by a sky rocket ; and den he sets
sail for Caleforny, gits de feber on de Ismarass, and dar
dies — dar he lays till dey dig him up to make de rale rode
track, when he bones am used to fill up holler places on de
rode ; all dis might easily happen, my stingy hearers. Well,
ef " bone cumes to bone" on de lass day ob de world, I tink
dar would be some dodgin ob heads to keep out ob de way
ob de limbs, and I also tink dat a cummitty on researches
would hab to be 'pinted to find de main carcass. All dis,
ob korse, am merely speckemlashun on my part, as de man
said wen he offered to swop off his wife. Dar will be an
end to ebberyting dat hab a beginnin,' and as de world hab
a begun, ob korse it will hab a stop ; but, my frightened
sinners, you got noting to fear ef you do your duty here to
de best ob your nobility ; let not your konschence be
seared wid de yaller leaf ob sin, and you ken stan and look
on de doins ob de lass day wid komposer. De brudder dat
wished me to lectur on dis subjick I tink muss be a man
berry much troubled in konschence, and am so much in
dread db fire dat he won't lib in eny odder strete dan Water
strete ; de name hab a coolin influenza on he spirits, and de
strete run along de riber, so I 'pect he tink he ken jump in
wen tings come to a crisis, but he'll find it's no use ef he am
found rotten at de heart ; old Jimmy Splitfoot will fork him
up from de bottom wid de hook on de end ob he tail.

Now, as I had reached de tail ob sumfin, 1 tink I had bet-
ter end my discord, at de same time tankin you for your
airnest 'tention, and for wat small change you will put into
de sasser wen Jnlious Hosshed hands it round. Dar am a

ACQUIRED HABITS. 157

gwane to be a gibbia visit to my house nex week, weil I
spect yon will all tow de mark.

LECTURE XLVIII.

ACQUIRED HABITS.

OuDATions Frbnds :

, CoNsiDERiN de state of de wedder, I has 'eluded to
spoke to yon dis ebenin on de snbjeck of

and in spokin bout dem, I don't intend to meddel wid old
cloze or wid anybody's good habits; but I shall gib bad
habits pickelyer square-toed conepton fits.

Everybody, from de Mayer down to de lime killn man,
will tell you dat bad habits ort to be trown off and de-
carded. And now de question rises like a ghost in defeater
— what am bad habits ? Ef I was to tell dis congregation
to trow off dere bad habits in one sence, dere wood be few
mong you dat wood hab any cloze on, kase most ob your
habits am bad. Second handed afore you git dem, and
derefore bad in fit and durability And ef I wur to teU
you to trow off your bad habits in anudder sence, you wood
'pear afore de world a miricall, kase a man widout eny bad
habits am a model man for sartin.

Dere am so menny bad habits dat mankind am up to, dat
it wood take your wordy speaker two weeks and a fortnite

158 BLACK DIAMONDS.

to classify, rectify, ratify, and magnify wid ennyting like suc-
cess. But I will spoke ob a few dat I find most prebalent
'mong you fellows. And fnstly I shall draw your under-
standins to Liein. It stems a part ob a cuUard man's natur
to tell Ingin-rubber stories, from a nasty habit ob liein in
bed morains ; in he youf he soon larns to lie oat ob it — as
he grows up, and afore he nose it, he will lie as fast as a
political noosepaper. Den dars anudder habit de. darkey
'dulge in to sartin extent — and dat am stealin. And as de
poet sez —

" Fust he steal a later,
Den he steal a grater —
^)en when wite folks am asleep,
He steal de chicken, eggs, and sheep."

Sum say it am he natur to do so, and if it am, he larn it
from de wite trash, kase dey inhabited de kedentry fuss.
But de darkey am not de only pusson who hab bad habits
— kase notin am more nasty dan chawin backer, smokin old
sogers, and drinkin rum. De Dutch am patty well posted
up in de two fast clans, and if you'll show me an Irishman
dat don't kjiow how de latter claws am complished, I'll show
you a wezel in he nite cap and mornin gown takin a snooze.
De Dutch larn der children to smoke soon as dey see de lite
ob de libin sun. Iitsted ob gibin dem a sugar stick to suck
on, dey put a segar in dey babys' mouf, and in two days de
chile will cry for a match to lite its segar, same as odder
chile cry for mint stick.

Chawin I tink comes by instlnk — for jis as soon as a chile
nose ennyting, it find's out de use ob its jaws. Now I
myseff was larnd a bad habit in my infancy, when I was
handsomer and more interestin dan now — and dat habit was

ACQUIRED HABITS. 159

S

chavdn — I don't mean backer, but witals. As fur back as
I kin remember, I hab bin in de habit, some time in de day,
ob 'dulgin dat habit till now I can't git along widout prac-
tisin it tree times a day. De scantity ob ray sallevy niely
broke me ob it ob late, and I went two days widout it, but
I didn't feel like myseff, and so I went at it agin ; but I am
sassagefried dat ef it wasn't for dat habit, instill'd in me, in
my youf, I shood be rich to-day, and stop lectur'n for bad
pennies and tin shillins — but I can't 'spect to correct dis
habit ob etin tree times a day, kase it hab got sich a foot-
hold in de stomjacks of mankind. But de wust ob all habits
am de habit ob dr.inkin' rum, specially to excess. De dul-
gence ob dis habit 'has got up more fitein' and hangin'
matches den enny odder in de world. It leads to backslidin',
head slidin', nose slidin', and into de calabuse slidiu'. Dere-
fore I warn you to break youseffs ob it, ef you hab to break
your necks to 'complish it. A man had better drink root
beer till he cry wid de stpmjack ake, or popp till he
busts, dan to be de " chief attraction " at a hangin' match.
Sam Jacobus sets dar looking as impertent as a hog round
a market. I 'speck he tinks I don't noe it was him dat put
all de lites out tudder nite. Jim Comely and Dan Rieat,
his constituents, aint showed dere woolly coconuts here
"sence, but Sam tinks he'd brave de lion in he den. Ef eber
he do sich a ting agin, he shall scrub out de room, pay haff
a dollar to de cotgregation, fru me, and send me a hundred
clams. I had a mind to expose him afore all de folks har
to nite, but he hung he lip so, I tort it best to pass on de
subjeck — and to show Sam dat I aint got no antymosreity
aginst him, he may pass round de sasser dis ebenin — but let
him remember I got my eye on boff he hands — -but to make
insurance dubbly sure, I tink somebody nie him had better
pin up he pockets.

160 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XLIX.

Suspected Erens :

As dis am a season when de mind ob mankind
naturly runs on de water, and a dog's don't, I tort I'd loolc
'round in de mity deep for a subjick wherewit to instruct
you 'pon — and by golly I 'speck I cotch one — but he am so
slippery and squirmy dat I'm afraid he will slip out ob my
hans afore I kin fully explainify all he pints and qualities.
I hab no dout dat you noe already dat de subjick furd to,
am

DE eel!

De eel, my frens, cannot be turmed a handsum i'eller, aide
he am de most nimble ob all de fish in de oshun. He am as
squirmy as a politishum — as slimy as slander, and as quick
on a turn as a Filedelfy lawyer. Tou kin no more 'speck
to hold him in you hans dan a poor man kan 'speck to hold
a silver dollar bill; fur dey boff will slip fru your fingurs
afore you noe it — an like aswasheatin wid bad characters,
de closer you git de more slime you find 'pon you. He may
be compared to a law suit — de more you handle it de more
you aint got notin but de slune, and, like a shillin novel, he
am all tale.

Here am sebril kines ob eels — de Congor, wat was fuss
found in ole Massa Congor's pond; de Lamper, who's hed
am all eyes, which am luminated by de lite ob he wisdom;

SLIPPERY.

161

de Electriclfal and de common Caferine Market eel. De
moss wuuderful ob all dese, am de Electrick Telegraf eel.
Ef you cum nie dat feller lie will hit you a crack wid he tail
dat will go fru you like huckelberries in August. He
shocks de modesty ob some ob de Udder fishes, and kills
dem, and den he eats dem, bones and all. He's a shockin'
bad eel, else history go a romancing. It am sed dat old
Professor Mosse was a fishing one day, and seed one ob
dese fellers jirk de 'lectric fluid from he hed to he tale,
and from he tale to he hed, and dat fuss put de Electrick
Telemgraf in he hed, which has sense fenced in de world
wid a wire railin'. When dey want to send de noose ober
de wires, dey jis show it to de big eel, always kept at each
end of it. He reads it — hits de wires wid he tail, and 'way
goes de fluid and de noose togedder, to de udder end,
where anudder eel puts it into English and de papers.

De eels cum from Long Island, and lib all along de
coast ob dat kedentry — and like de natives ob de Iland,
as soon as dey ribe in York, dey git skinned — but dey
hab boff bin skin'd so offen, dey don't mind it no more.
De trade ob Eel Butcher am ob as much 'portance at
Caferine Market as de Oyster and de Clam Butcher.
Deres Pete Odety am a Eel Butcher, and to see him rub
he hand in de ashes, pick up de eel by de tale, and nock
he hed agin de side ob de tub, and cut 'round de gils to
loosen de skin, wood do yon good — and den to see de
siance he displays wid de nippers in takin' off he jacket,
wood s'prise and confound you. Ef dere am a rale siun-
tific Eel Butcher in de market, Pete am he — derefore, luff
him be suspected 'cordin.

I used to see some good times agoin a bobin for dese
fellers in my young days, and can to dis day almoss feel de
delicate nibble ob de Eel on de bob, as my mind dewerts

162 BLACK DIAMONDS.

back to de happy nites I hab spent kotchin dem. I can
simpersize wid de poet dat sez —

Oh ! de days when we went eel-kotohin,

A'long time ago —
We'd bread and lasses ob de bess,

And trowsers made ob tow,
And dere we set de libe long nite,

'Pon de bank so green,
And nought but tubs and eels and grog,
'Bout us oood be seen.
And duss we pass de nite away,

And out dc eels wood trow.
In de days when we w«nt eel-kotohin,
A long tiiae ago.

Ah ! dem was merry happy nites,

A long time ago ;
When we eeled from dark till light,

De moon as light as .snow.
And dere we sung de jolly song,

And danced upon de shore.
But, ah ! dese hallumlujah days, "
"Will come agin no more.
Ah, how we passed the time away,

Nor thought of care or woe.
On de nites when we went eel-kotohin, j
A long time ago.

We all DOS wid what delite de young darkey "will dance
for dem at Caferine Market — and we a,ll noe too, how good
dey am when fried in butter and browned wid flower.
Derefore I lebe de contemplation ob de subjick to go to
Anty Clawson an git a plate ob reality right off de real,
perwiding I git 'nuflf in de sasser for to pay far de same.

Brudder Jake Ballethed will pleese pass it round, an see
what look I got for dem fried Eels.

THE ROOSTER. 163

LECTURE L.

THE ROOSTER.

_ Suspected Prens:

You will find de subjick ^n which I 'spect to sub-
stract my exasperations dis ebenin, a runin round enny ob
de barn yairds in de kedentry and in de coops round de mar-
kets. He am sometimes called de " cock " by people who
call tings by dere rite names, but dose who pride demseffs
on bein extra perlite, call him

DE ROOSTER I

De reason, I 'speck, why dey call him dat, am bekase he
will roost wid de hens nites.

De rooster am de he hen and aldo he lays no eggs, nor
hatches no chickens, ennybody wood tink by seein' him strut
round de barn yard, dat he lay all de eggs and brought up
all de chickens. He does he best to make you tink dat he
does it all, for no sooner does a hen drop an egg, dan he sets
up as loud a cacklin as de hen hersefi', in order to pull de
wool ober de eyes ob us sitty fellers, and make us beleye he
done it, when he ani no niore capable ob doin' de same dan
I am. How much like sum lazy husbands in dis congrega-
tion, I cood menshun, who let dere wives do all de work and
take car ob de family while dey do all de cacklin.

Dere am free or four different kinds ob "Roosters."
Some am black, some speckled, as de darkey wid de small
pox, and dressed up in all de brilliant fedders ob a soger
company. I tink he must hab taken lessons from some ob

164 BLACK DIi«10SDS.

our Mallishish Captans in de art ob structin, for it wood do
you good to see one strut true de barn yard among he fifty
wives.

He seems to belebe in de Mormon doctAn ob pluracy ob
wifes, for be hab a promiscus number at he beck and call,
and no pettyfogin lawyer hab yet offered to make out a
case ob bigamy against him, and his conduct am winked at
by de noin ones, and it am no more tort ob, or sentured by
de people, or by de presff, dan King Solomon ob old was
mid his forty wives and hundred conkebines. But dis may
be owin' to de laxative laws consarnin' matrimonial marrage,
now in woge in dis happy state. All a man hab to do now-
a-days am to say to a female woman, I takt you for better
or for wuss, for a short time, and if you turn out better, I
will take car ob you, but if you turn out wuss, I'll luff you
flote down de riber ob time, a prey to fortune, for some
udder nice young man to pick up and cast off at he lezure.

I hab seen a Brigadig General reviewin' his sogers for
de fust time. I hab seen de poUytishun de day arter he
was 'lected Alderman. I hab seen him agin de fust day he
entered Congress. I hab seen de new recrute on he fust
parade in de milishus — I hab seen a darkey in a new brass
buttoned green coat, and a cuUared lady In a new yeller
calico frock, but I nebber seed ennyting nor ennybody so
killiu' pomptious and prowd as de old dunghill rooster
when he wakes he brood at daylight in de mornin' wid his
shrill trump, and marches dem off to de scratchin' ground ;
and wo be to de strange rooster dat chances to make a call
on he nabor. Talk ob fuss and fedders — dats de time to
see him in all he glory, as he walks sideways wid one wing
down (so as to hide he long spurs), and he hed strate out
afore him, up to de stranger and gibs him a crack side he
hed for he imperence. Bf de odder rooster am game, den

THE ROOSTER. 165

a regnler Higher and Snlavan fite persues, and one or de
odder comes off second best, and de odder sets up a crowin'
loud 'nuff to wake de darkey cook to put on de coffee jfot —
den de licked rooster runs home wid he comb cut, fooloso-
fysin' on de foolishness ob takin' airly mornin' walks abroad.

Dere am notin' on airtb-dat fites more wickedly den two
game roosters. Dey will fite till one am ded and de odder
too week to flap he wings or crow — and T belebe dat it was
on some sich 'casion as dis, dat Brudder Chapman was per-
litely 'quested to crow fur him.

Take de rooster in he marrage relations, or in he single
blessedness, and he am about as seff-satisfied and pomptious
as a monkey in a red frock, wid he mouf fall ob chesnuts,
and a box ob sugar crackurs widin he reach. Wid dese
reflecshuns, we luff him slide dis ebening, promisin to take
him up agin at some previous 'cashun, ef he long spurs will
Inff me handle him better den I hab dis ebenin'.

Long Island Jake will pleese pass 'round de sasser, and
wen a man puts him off wid a free cent piece, luff him ask
for de odder free cents belonging to de sixpence. I won't
hab dem free cents nocked donn on me no more.

166 BLiCK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LI.

long island musings.

Broilin Sinners :

Sjsnce de lass time I distress'd you from dis old
desk, I hev bin a rewlinizia on aid Long Island —

" Whar de breezes, '
Cum fru de ti'eeses,
A:nd smels ob cheeses.'

and whar de gentle hefers, at de close ob de day, flote
litely fru de trees, and fan de --brow ob exousted human
natur, and whar clams am as plenty as scandle. It am
strange how a feller will feel he mind a soarin' abub de tings
ob dis arf, when he'm away from de smell ob de gutters in
de sitty, and de oderiferusness ob de gas-pipes. Here he
kin contemplate foolosofy ondisturbed by de noise ob de
omnibusters and unwatched by de police. Here it am dat
he mind trows off de fifty sixes ob car, and mounts to hem-
isferes abuv, and try to find out what am a goin' on in de
abode ob de planits, 'mong de spiritual rappers. Ef a
man finds heseff on dis beech, wrapped up' in nuffin but a
spiritual wrapper, he will find heseflf mity cold arter sun
down, mind I tell you, fur I went out wid a ober cote on to
see ef I .coodent find out what some ob de planet sky lites
war made ob, and it set my teef a chatterin' like a monkey
ober a hot potater. Arter lookin at de brilliant fermi-
nence for a long time, an sufferin' de ting up ober and ober

LONG ISLAND MUSINGS. 167

in my mind, I come to de 'elusion dat me nor no odder pro-
fessor of foolosefy nose notin' 'bout de universal planits no
more dan a hog nose wat he am goine to hab for supper.
Bat we all hab de pribalege ob gibin our 'pinion on dese
tings, and derefore I'll gib mine, based on a log 'bout ten
feet long, on which I declined (furing my meadowtations. I
link dat de planit sky-Iites am made ob saltpeter, camphene,
drummond lite, and spangles, all mixed up and spread on
new tin, like a poor man's plaster, and h'ung out on spiritual
cords, an^i den as de wind' blows, dey shake and quiber, dat
make 'em go blink, blink, at you, like a cuUard gal's eye a
winkin' in de dark.

De moon must be a hole tin pan full ob de ingredients,
wid a drummond lite ahind it, and when de drummond lite
fall down inside ob itj den yon only see haff ob de moon.
Den it wants newly regnlatin', and den de folks call it de
new moon.

De sun puzzles me most — ^kase I don't noe wedder dey
burn hickory wood or Lehigh coal, but I tink dey burn boff
'boftt dese days. Dese last torts traded demseffs tru my
wool as I was gwane ober to Jerusalem to de cullerd Camp
Meetin', now succedin in dat quarter. When I got to de
Camp Ground, (what a shame it am dat low darkeys call it
de Stamp Ground) dere I found Brudder Bluster on de
stand, and he was discribin de old debil heseff. He said
dat he head was like de buffalo, toof like de elemfint tusk;
back like a buck rabbit, tail like a anaconda, and he eyes
shine like two burnin' hickory logs in de kitchen fire-place —
and he went 'round like a rousen lier, seekin' whom he might
fool somebody.

Now I don't belebe he eber seed de feller he so beufly
discribed, but ef you had hard him nock he fist on de board
whar he desk ort to be, you wood hab 'eluded dat he was

168 BLACK DIAMONDS.

an intemate quauteiice ob his; for he not only told us all
'bout him, but he spoke ob he dwelin place in de souffern
country — and he said dat de red lite dat was a shinin' in de
sky dat ebenin, which de farmers call'd de Rousen Bore oh
Alias, was de flecshun dat was frown on de place wheneber
de door was opened to let in a bad darkey. Dat scart sum
ob dem, and dey look up at de lite wid eyes as big as de
sasser dat you all ought to put a shillin a piece in dis
ebenin'.

He had a good deel to say 'l)out Provendence, and 'eluded
his powerful sarmont by sayin' dat he hoped Provendence
woodent send de rain on de Hand like he did lass year in
sich sluces, dat it wash away de Metadist meetin' house, and
smash all de windows — but in more congehed portions, dat
de otes and corn mite git it, so dat de corn mite grow six-
teen foot high, and hab ears long as he arm, and not sich
cussed little Nubbins like dey had lass year, which he wood
as leaf try to shuck, as to try to shuck de debil heseff.

Dey wanted me to 'liten 'em a little, but I told dem I
neber meddled wid church alBfairs or de scriptur, dat my
mishun was 'tirely siantific, and I reclined de place dey
made fur me on de platform.

Dey den broke up, arter singiu' in loud meter dis beuful
standa —

De debil he will do his best,
To stop de sinner findin' rest ;
But when we reach dat happy she',
We'd flax him out, and cry no mo'.
Hallalujah, Hallalu — g.

Wen dis was ober, some went home, and odders went to
dere tents, whar dey laid down in straw as tick as hogs in
winter time.

BLUNDERS IN HUNTING. 169

As it am growin' late, I will dismiss you afore I gib you
de lass claws ob wat I ment to say dis ebenin,' and as soon
as Brndder Ishmal Owlhed passes 'round de sasser, yofl
may slide — keep de door lock'd till de sasser's full.

LECTURE LII.

blundeks in hunting.

Bkilin Lams :

Dis ebenin I perpose,
To spoke in ryme, and not in prose;
An' I hope jjrou'll hear me wid delite,
Ef so, I poetize some odder nite.
Ef you at my last lectur glance,
You'll see I menshun a suckemstance
Ob bein' on Long Islan, at camp meetin',
And hearin Brndder Blusters prechiu;
Some ob de brudderiu, I gin to fear.
May tink I wos wbar dey charge so dear;
For berry little 'commodation,
(De useal custom ob de nation).
Dere am some houses hear I'm told,
'Bout which I cood a tale unfold ;
'Bout straw beds, and scanty table,
Dat wood make your hair grow stiff as cable;
Whar Christian folks are used like sinners.
By some ob dese Long Hand skinners.
Who keep fashionable out ob town resorts.
For city people out ob sorts;
8

I*r0 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Who lebe airy rooms, and an easy bed,

To stifle in a six-foot plaster'd shed.

An' lay 'pon beds as hard as stubble,

And for de luxery pay jus double;

But den dey tink de price am fair,

Bekase dey walue high de country air.

And sitty folks, out ob de sherest pride,

Spend August at de oshun side;

Lebe dere door nobs grow black wid rust,

To spend a monf in sand and dust.

De rhumatism offin makes dem rue it.

But dey'd be nobody ef dey didn't do it;

One sitty feller dat come out here,

When he seed he bill luff fall a tear;

And as he handed out de pelf,

Sed he'd bild a country for heseffi

Afore he'd pay sich a mity fee,

For comin' in de counteree.

But I want to tell yon once for all,

Dat I ain't bin to no sich place at all.

De little time I bin from home,

I spent at Jerico wid nuncle Tone,

A brudder to Anty Clawson's sister.

Who always rites his fust name Mister;

To luff de country people see.

He understands gentility.

He's got a beufall house made ob logs.

Close by a pen ob lubly hogs ;

He raises de chickens, pigs and tarkey,

And now and den a little darkey.

He's got a dog — a berry curious cretur,

Dat forms a berry portant fetur ;

To his place. He am none all 'round.

BLUNDEES IK HUNTINS. Ill

As de greatest dog dat kin be found —

Some sed he wos ob de setter breed,

An Tone sed — he was indeed I

And Doctor Jones, de learned farrier,

Sed he was a full blooded tarrier —

Mixed wid de pinter and de bull,

Derefore, I tink his blood was full ;

But I fear dat meny peopled lied,

'Bout dat dog, kase I spied

All his traits, and raly do belebe

Dat &ej fool'd old Tone and him decebe.

And I tink all dare stories am a fable,

Kase he only iarry'd round de table ;

Sept when twas cold, he'd nebber mobe,

But try to tarry 'round de stobe.

As to his settin qualities, I dare say.

He'd set in doors on a rainey day ;

As to his beln a pinter, he's bin none to pint

All day at beef or mutton jint,

Perwidin dat he coodent touch it ;

Ef he cood, he'd bin sure tg "fotch it."'

But of him I've had a nuff to say,

Septin dat his hair was gray ;

And dat his tail turn'd up a little.

And form'd a hook to hang a kittle.

Besides dis dog. Tone had a gun.

And wid dem we tort we'd hab sum fun ;

And like de wite folks go a shootin,

And true de wbods keep up a hootin

To scar de burds and luff dem fly.

So iwe cood " Bim " dem in de eye.

When we got all redy for de xpedishun,

We foand we hadent no amanishun ;

172 BLACK DIAMONDS.

An so we boutc a haff a pown
At de grocery in de toan.
Tone sholdered de dog, and off we went,
On a day's sgortin fully bent.
We hadent gone fur, afore I hurd
Somfin in de'bushes like a burd ;
I grabed de dog, and fired spralin,
And shot a great big, " Wat-yon call-em ?"
A anamile wid hair on, like a trunk,
I tink de farmer call'd it a big skunk.
Ob one ting sassagefried to be I orter,
Dat is, he don't carry Cologne water ;
Kase we hadent bin dar berry long
Afore we smelt somfin mitey strong ;
And no doubt if we'd staid dar longer,
Dat boff ob us wood hab grown stronger.
Here de dog showed his dttin quite sublime
For he set on a log moss all de time.
Well ! on we went to look for game,
And next we shot a — Wats-his-name ?
I dont 'zactly like to menshun here,
What de cretur was, for fear
I mite be brote into some scrapes,
Like de little boy who stole de grapes;
But ef enny ob you hear de farmers talk,
'Bout dere loosin some " little pork,"
'Bout two monfs old, sent to roam
In de medder, little way from home, ,
Tell dem de ditches am berry deep.
And little pigs will in dem creep ;
I noe de holes am deep dar bout,
Kase I got in one, nor cood git oat
'Till nuncle Tone, reched he butt ob gun,

BLUNDERS IN HUNTING. 173

i

And pull'd like Satin, wen out I cum.
Wen I got out, I blessed a few,
Kase I spiled my close and got wet tru ;
When I got home (twixt you and me),
I dident feel in sich high glee
As in de mornin' wen I started ;
In fac, I wos haff broken-hearted —
Kase dis ole stingy congregation.
Wood almost suffer suffercation,
Afore dey'd chip up to git me close
In place ob dem I spil'd, I nose ;
But ef you dont fork ober rite,
I wont lectur for you 'nudder nite,
But set up a shop to sell de clam,

Ef I dont, may I be .'

Your obedient servant, J. C. H .

N. B.^De toregom epick,

I am led to xpeek.

Will be red mong a great wariety.

Afore de Historical Siety,

At dere sellembraton in December ;

Kase last year, if I remember,

One ob my lecturs come berry nie

Gittin an xplainity.

By one ob de Jarned professhun,

Who had one in his possesshun,

And only waited to be call'd out.

Wen he, de hole ting wood hab bawl'd out.

Ef enny ob dem dis year do it,

I'll speck a medel wid blue ribbon to it.

To war roun' my neck, whar ere I go,

Like de chain ob Barren SpolascO.

114 BLACK DIAMONDS.

And now wid mucli politeness,

I bid you all good niteness ;

But afore you go, luff de silver sound

In de sasser as it passes round.

LECTURE LIII.

FIRST LOVE.

Chosen Chums —

I RISE to-nite and make my bow.

To commence a beginin, but somehow

I don't feel rite 'bout de lied,

My idias flow like chunks ob led —

Not like leden balls in de heat ob battle,

Dat round de hed ob sogers rattle.

And try to perpetrate big holes,

To luff de daylite in 'pon der soles.

But like chunk led, hard as steel,

Dat's de way my tinkin apperatus feel.

Wood you noe what makes me feel so sad 1

Its bekase I am 'bused so mity bad,

By country Editors round about,

Who sisarize my lecturs out

Ob de Picayune — a handsome sheet

Published doun in Fulton street.

I don't mind dere stealin from me so,

Perwidin dey luff dar readers noe

FIRST LOVE. ' Its

Whar dey get dem from, den you- see

It will add to my celebraty.

I nebber notice no sich capers

By de editors of de English papers,

Ease Reynold's Miscellany, and de Lqndon Times

When e'er dey use my prose or rhymes,

Always takes good car to prate

Dat it come from ole York State,

Prom a paper called de Picayune,

Dats always lively in its tune.

Derefore ^ou kin plainly see,

Dat its only de cute Yankee

Dat will pilfer odder people's brain,

In order to permote der gain ;

Bnt when I inwardly reflect,

I don't noe as I cood else expeck,

Seein what chunks ob wisdom fatl
Prom dis old hed, now niely ball —

De world wants litenin berry much,

And ef I gub de siantific touch.

And lite de brilliant torch ob siance,

And set ignumrence at defiance,

'Twill aid de kause ob edication,

To send my lectures fru de nation —

Derefore I wopdent car a pin.

To see dem copid o'er agin ;

Dat dey may tru de country fly,

Promgroceree to groceri ;

Dat ebberybody fruout de land

May full and squarely understand

De principles ob 'mortal siance,

Den wood I feel a firm reliance,

Dat I am fully understood

116 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Truout de world's wast naborhpod.

But I fear my ryme am gittin prosey,

For I see so menny brudders dozy ;

Ef dey dou't wake up naity quick,

I'll corns doun on 'em like a tousend brick.-

How dar you nod and shut you eye

When I'm lecturin in sweet poetri ? —

My frens I got spmfin serious to tell

'Bout a suckumstance dat me befell

On Long Iland — in de airly part

Ob July, and its moss brok« my hart ;

I nebber node what 'twas afore,

To feel de tender pashum to de core ;

But now I am compelled to say

Dat sence de mornin ob dat July day,

I've libed in dreams in and out ob bed,

An' in clowdy castels, painted red,

Wid golden doors and starlite sealin —

In fact I can't portray my feelin ;

For Kupid wid his silbef arrar,

Hab piered my 'fections to de marrar ;

And arter passin a wartus life,

I tink' I better git a wife,

To do my washin and mend my close.

And do up sweet meats, kase who nose

But what my wages may be raised

(F^ sich good luck, de Lord be praised),

Up to a pint dat I cood afford

To take a house and a few to bord.'

But I'm off my track, I was gwane to tell

How I fell in lub wid " Isabelle,"

And in order to make de 'cription neeter,

I tink I'd better change my meeter —

FIRST LOVE. * 177

And prove to you by de trial,
Dat I kin rite in de Byronic stile.

Isabelle ! Isabelle ! 1 Isabelle I ! !

'Tis strange you hant me still,
I only seed you 'bout an hour.

While I was lofin on de hill.
I've tried alas ! to banish you

Far from memory's seat.
But, oh 1 my burnin tlioughts will cling

To you dear gall, like 'lasses sweet.

'Twas airly on a summer's morn,

While standin nie a silant mill,
I seed her take a paff dat led

Directly up de big green hill.
Two milkin pails war in her grasp,

Ana as she tripped along,
I tort dat form I'd like to clasp,

Or make de burden ob a song.

She had a little stream to cross,

Dat run in bubbles nie de rode ;
I boldly steped to her and axed

Ef I mite help her wid her lode.
She raised her great big eyes on me,

Dat shine as brite as ebenin star.
And set de pails doun on de grass,

And sed she raly didn't car.

I fust set boff de pails across,

And den come back for she,
And lifting her up by de waste,

She trembling cross'd de plank wid me.
8*

178 * BLACK DIAMONDS.

When I clasped her in my atms,
I found her lim's was berry stout,

But good fresh milk and corned pork
Am sure to bring sich tings about.

When we reached de odder side,

We boff set doun togedder,
I pressed her hand 'twixt boff ob mine.

And found dem, like sole ledder.
Dere war gum biles on ebbery jint.

From little finger to de tumb,
But oh ! her eyes bewitched me so,

Dere buty almost struck me dumb.

Upon de side ob dat old hill,

I spent de happiest hour
Dat mortal ebber cood s'pose

Was in a mortal's power.
For oh ! in dat bref space ob time,

I lost and gained a hart.
And I tink dat for de time it took,

'Twas bein putty smart.

Dar now, you'b herd de hole ting tru,
And my minds relebed a few ;
And I tink I bar you loudly say,
Marry her Julius 1 'pint de day I
Buy up de clams to make de soup.
And if you can't go to TJrupe ♦

To Cony Hand you kin go,
And spend de fust monf or so.
And den come back a feelin better,
And go to work for bread and butter.

WILL TRAVEL CURE LOVE ? 119

Now ef you all am mind to 'gree
To pay for de glorious spree,
I'll go to Isabelle and tell her
It kin eome off at Anty Clawson's seller.
Old Jake will make de fiddle ring,
And Sam will touch de banjo string |
We'll dance de reel and crackerwain,
'Till Halumlnjah come again.
Derefore my lads and lasses,
Fill up de sasser as it passes,
Brudder Somendike I trust
Will hand it to de ladies fust.

LECTURE LIV.

WILL TRAVEL CURE LOVE ?

CoBROPTED Mortals —

I PINT, on dis 'portant casiori, brudder Brastus J.
Arlington Jefferson Butts to road my 'pistol to you ; I
ean't do it myseff, bekase at de same time he am readiu dis
to you, I, your sheppard, am ober two hundred miles away
from his flosk ob black sheep — derefore, listen to him wid
dat same 'tentiou dat you always pay to me. I am now
rnstifying in de old rebolutionary town ob Bosson, Massa-
chusetts, from which pint ob de cumpasus I wolegize to you
dis ebenin.

De kommittee dat was pinted to vestigate de slander dat
de sisterhood scandelized me wid truout do naborhood, met
on de ebenin pinted, and 'cussed de matter wid all dere
harts, and brot in de common wardick ob de day — dat no-
body was to blame. Nobody dident do notin to nobody,

180 BLACK DIAMONDS. •

and kinder 'luded dat dey tort Isabelle wus lopsided in de
intellect — and dey told me I had better trable a little to get
de consequences out ob my mind. Dey seed my hart was
niely bustin, and in de hite ob dere charity, dey made up a
purse ob five dollars, and devised me to go on a day's fuddle,
and look in de pictur shop winders, in order to git my mind
off de trnbble dat make sich fringment on my appetite and
sleepatite, but luff my drinkatite unrepaired. Derefore I
take my old Gen. Jackson stiled hat, and I took free cents
vfOTt ob trable to Bohoken, but dere I meet so many lub-
bers wid dere dullsinnas, dat it only made me haff ded to hab
Isaljelle 'long wid me — and when I dulged myseff wid a two
cent glass ob ise cream, to cool my biirnin pashun, I found I
had pocketed de man's spoon, insted ob payin him for he
cream. But he dident luff me to labor long in de delusion,
for he nocked my new wite second hand knok down ober my
eyes and tpok de spoon out ob my pocket. De boys 'round
and 'bout de stand, roard wid lafter, and fru up dere hats in
derigon ob your poor old speeker, and hooted at me way up
to de Elisha Fiels. Den I went to a stan, and eat fifty raw
clams, jis to dewert my mind and appetite, but - de more
clams 'I swallered de hebier my konshunce felt, and so I
'eluded to stop afore I oberloded my stomjack.

I found dat de trabble ober dare dident do me no good,
kase I was obsolutely sick wen I got home to Anty Claw-
son's, whar I ribed just soon enuff to git home. Dar I found
a letter for me, from Brudder Greedy, who can read, rite
and sifer — to cum up to Bossnn for my helf — and soon as I
read it, I dident noe 'zactly what to do, and I done it
'megetly. I went doun to sebrel abolishun brudders in New
York, and got letters ob inducement to sebrel brudders in
dis town ob crooked streets and hotels. Well, wen I got all
redy to start, I packed up my police, and put dat ruffle

WILL TRATEL CUKE LOVE 7 181

shirt dat brudder Hyatt gub me, on de top, so as not to
kick up a muss wid it. Den my big headed kane, dat wus
presented to me by de Angelic Eel Skinin Benefisball Siety,
wen 1 wus 'lected a onery member, was brott in inquisishun,
and shakin bans wid Anty Clawson, and takin a little com-
position to purvent de kolera, I made a clearance for de
steambote for dis Bossunburgh„ When I got abord de bote,
a feller ax me ef I speck'd a bbf abord. I tole him I dident
noe what mite happen in de ladies' cabin. Den he laff,
and sad I was stupid, and dat ef I speck to sleep enny, I
muss take a birf in a foreard car cabin, and pay fifty cents
extra for de same. So J paid de feitterance, and airly ex-
pired to bed ; but all de time Isabelle was a ninnin in my
wool, and like •fleas on a shaggy dog, dere wus no gittin rid
ob it. I laid dere foolosifizein on de chances ob gittin
blowed up wid de biler — and I dident car who was bloud up
fuss, me, or all hands^wen I found sumfin runnin ober my
bed asides idias, and de same may be sed ob my hole body,
kase on gittin a lite, I found I had got into a burf already
ockepied by more trabelers den I wish'd to swosheate wid.
I picked up two or tree and took dem to de' steward, and
ax him what he done wid dem fellers abord. He sed he put
'em dar to fatten on darkeys till dey grow as big as sea
turkels, and den wen dey got to be big-bugs, he stuffed fried
monkeys wid dem, wid cowcumber sass, and perturnip dump-
lins. I soon found out dat I coodent git no sassagefacshun
from him, and as' I, dident want to spend de nite 'mong sich
suckers as I found in my berf, I had to walk de deck all nite,
and wen I woke up in de mornin I found I hadent slept none
all nite, and I wus sick abed. I was trablin for pleasure
and piece ob mind. I dident find de fust article, and ef I
dident git piece ob mind, I got my body moss nocked to pieces
on de rale rode, which am all de same in 'Dutch.

182 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Wen I ribed in Bosson, I went up to de Severe House
and handed' de waiter my caird. In a short time de boss ob
de house, cum to me, and looking at me all ober, like a
jockey does a hoss, he sed, "DatI looked suspeckable 'nuff,
but reely he coodent take me in." Dat wus de fust hotel I
ebber hurd ob whar folks was not taken in, in sum way or
odder, I noe de more de waiters take a feller in de better
dey like him. Well, dei), I dident noe wat to dOj and I tort
I do dat fust, and I did. But wat it was I will tell you in ii
nudder letter from dis old tea-pot country.

De kollecshuns taken up in my absence, must be sent to
me, to git me home agin — derefore, chip up brisklee when de
sasser flows 'round, an belebe me, 1 am, all dat,

Proffessor Julius Seazer Hannibal,
R. M. T. S. F. R. S. B. C. ASS, and S. L. in Q.

LECTURE LV.

GRAND RECEPTION IN BOSTON.

B Whalin Frens :

lN*de last pistol I sent you, I told you how de boss
at de Severe House woodent take me in. De reason was,
I speck he tink I was a confugetif from de Souf. But it
dident worry me none, kase I hadent bin here in dis city
morn a nour afore de news 'ribed by de spress wagon dat I
wus dere, and a cummittee ob forty-fibe from de Anti-Ig-
numrence Benefishal-own-your-own-Shirt Siety, waited on
me at de hotel, wid red aprons on, and bajjers on der cotes;

The Prolessor on a Target Excursion.

GRAND RECEPTION AT BOSTON. 183

and fonnin a paltrooh iii frunt ob de house, I walked out on
de pizarro jis as stiff as ef I borded dere, and felt as proud
as Daniel Lobster, when he 'dressed his cornstockewents,
frum the same place lass year, 'bout B Plurebus Unum and
Political Politicks.

De kommitte told me dere wus a great gedderin ob de
cnlored folx at Brudder Jonson's Eatin House, watin to
heer me spoke. I pulled out de ruffle ob my shirt, and
jined de breddern at once. They toted me up one crooked
'treet and down anudder crooked 'treet, and cum round to
de place whar we started from, and den dey led me doun a
holler in a 'treet 'bout tree foot wide, and at de sine ob de
" Black Sheep" we stoped an went in. Here I found a big
room filled wid brudders and sisters, who recebe me wid
much stinkshun. Under de big room was an eatin restora-
tive — de reason why dey call it a restorative, am bekase a
good many tings hab bin restored to der ritefuU owner, dat
de police hab from time immoral found on de premices. Dere
wus a platform at one end ob de room, and 'pon it set my
old friend Deacon Snowball. He rised and induced me to
de bredderin, and den took he seat. I axed him wus he
gwane to spoke, and he said no, dat he had to gib up
preachin sometime ago, kase like odder preecher mans, he
got de brownkritters in de trote, but he coodent, like dem

, fellers, go souf for he helf, so he had to grin and bare it.
and choke it doun de bess way he cood. Den I got up and
told dem de coperosity ob my mind dident seem to segos-
heate at de present period, and dat I coodent distress dem
dat ebenin, but ef dey'd take up a kollecshun dat nite, I'd
gub dem fits de next ebenin. Den dey took up a prescrip-
tion in a hat, fur me, mountin to fibe and sixpence and two
bad pennies, and den dey wited me to go to supper below.

' Wen I got dar I found a long table spred wid plates, wid

184 BLACK DIAMONDS.

fire roast clams in de shell on ebery plate, and a cracker by
de side. Soon as we eat de clams, we had a corse ob clam
soup — den a corse ob fried clams, den more rost clams, and
den a doenut a piece ; den we had cowblay soup ; tomatto,
stew'd wid fickcaseed turnips ; den dare wus a corse ob
Welsh rabbit, stewed in de shell, serbed up wid turtle dube
jelly and skipper cheese (we had a lively time wid dis
cheese). It cum all de way from Smiff's Hand, nie Fidelfy
— den dere wus a great wority ob meat — sheep, lam and
mutton, and burloney sassengers turnd ober— ^aud de cum-
pany perspired for de nite— and I went to bed, too, dere bein
one prepared fur me in de house. Afore we supperated,
we all had a little bit ob perwentative composition. You see,
dey darsent sell no licker up here, but dey drive a stif bis-
ness in de composition bitters line — and it tastes and smells
as much like brandy, as the law will allow.

De nex mornin two ob de brudderin took me round to
see de toun, and I look all round de warfs for de tea chisls
dat de Yankees got mad 'bout, and trowed oberboard, but
I coodent find none ob de tea, nor de chists nudder ; and as
I dident see notin ob dem, I don't belebe de hole story.
But de folks on here belebe it — one elderly sister dat dey
call Anty Breeder, showed me her tea-pot, what her grand-
mudder gub her kase it wus a querosity, it bein one ob de
dientical tea-pots dat was berried when de folks swore dey
woodent buy no more tea frum John Bullock. I ax dem
ef dey tort I wus a tea-pot 'nnff to belebe sich a storry as
dat.

Sence I bin here I got a good meny eornsoEn letters frum
home, and I tink I will cum back and *

Let Isabella go to — thunder,

and not mind her no more.

WISE CONCLUSIOKS. 185

LECTURE LTI.

CONCLUSIONS.

Lajtbasious Lambs :

Here I is, returned to yon like a borrowed pound
ob candels. I is mity glad to see sich a croud sembled bar
on dis 'portant caision. I tink de trabel to ole Bosson sitty
hab done me good, kase I knm back to oje York better
sassagefied wid it den ebber, notwidstandin de sassy omni-
bus dribers, de roudies, de poor milk, de aflSicting Com-
mon Scoundrels and de tea room, and I gis made up my
mind dat dis am de only place whar Christian Christianity
am fully practiced. Ebbery ting 'bout Bosson seems to be
cramped up like a miser's hart. De 'treets am cramped and
crooked. De minds ob de peepel am cramped. Menny ob
de folks I met dere complained ob bein cramped in de
pocket, and almoss all de time I wus dere I had a cramp in
my stomjack, and had to hab a standin subscription in my
pocket from de dockter man, or else dey woodent hab gub
me a drop ob brandy all de time. I wus dar. Tou all noe
dat de Maine Licker Gag Law am in full forse now in dat
poor forsaken country, and no rum kin be had — but de
Yankees noe a dodge or two. Dey hab inwented a tem
perence bitters, kalkelated to purefy the blood ob old drink-
ers, which dey sell as fast as free cent pieces ian roll in.
Its a perventatiye to de colera, and it am astonishin how
menny folks dere am in Bosson dat hab suddenly become
afeerd of dis disease. Scarsely a nour am allowed to enter-

186 BLACK DIAMONDS.

wene atwene de tacks ob fear, and den a little ob de per-
wentative sets dem all rite for a nudder nour.

I tole you in my last letter to you how I wus vited to
Spoke to de bruddern dere, and how I dident. Now, I tell
you how I did. I tole dem how I fell in lub wid Isabelle,
and how I hab been slandered and debused to her till de
match wus busted up and I wus trublin for a broken hart.
I met wid much simperty and small change. I got de for-
mer frum de sisters and de latter frum de brudders. De
sisters, de Lord bless 'em, simpsized berry much wid me. I
wus vited out to tea and doenuts ebbery ebenin while I wus
dar, and sich a display ob sweetmeats and goodies ginerly,
you nebber seed ; apple sass and, stewed clams ebbery time.
I tell you d at de cullerd folks no4 how to lib in Bosson.
True, de wite abolishonest won't hire dem to do no work as
long as dey kin git an Irishman at haff price. 'But dere de
cullerd folks am all bosses, and you'l find out; you black
scorpians, who am boss here ! I cum home agin, and you
shall noe —

" How much de Ass who went abroad to rome,
Exceed de Ass dats luft at-home."

When enny ob de aristockracy goes off a trablin to for-
rin parts, and cum home agin, dey always can't shabe no
more, and muss hab euri>eous cut cloze on, and dey muss
assume de airs ob dey pepil de bin wid, else how de debil
wood ennybody noe dey bin dar. How cood yoij. belebe a
man had made a sea voyage unless you hear himsware — and
how will folks noe I bin trablin widout I ware har all ober
my face, and comb my mustashers to a pint, like a mouses

tail, and git a cote too big for me, wid a fur koller on wid

de tail cut all off smack smoff, wid sleeves big 'nuff to hold
a haff peck pb taters and a dirty shirt. Derefore, I muss

WISE CONCLUSIONS. 187

heb all dese tings afore I make my devbuit in Broadway.
Ef you don't chip up and git me dese tings, I'll go back
to Bosson airly in de mornin. I want to swell as well as
de udder ob de "Upper crust, and I mast hab my sallary
raised perpendickler at onst. No backin doun.on dat, you
hear ?

Auudder ting we want and must hab, am an organ' in dis
room, kase de shuffliu ob your big feet make sich a noise on
de flo when you go out, dat a feller can't hear heseff tink.
I nose an Italian round de corner dats got a hand-organ
dat he will sell cheap, but whoeber buys de organ muss buy
de moukey — and de idia ob my congregashun buyin a mon-
key am prospiterous. I tink we better buy boff, and send
de organ here and de monkey to de Common Counsil. We
want de organ to play de wolentendicktory ' as you lebe de
seller ; same as de organs in de church do, when dey let out.
But de question rises — who will be organist ? How much
will he cost ? Can't we train de monkey to play on it ;
Dese am questions dat 'quire manure judgement, and dere-
fore I gib you all a whole week for de siderashun ob de same
— and klose proseedings for de nite.

I is 'bliged to de Tune Fork Sie^y for de Sarahnade dey
gub me on de nite I got home. It w'us berry butiful indeed,
and no dout I shood hab liked it amazin ef I had hurd it,
but I dident happen to sleep home dat nite— I wus condolin
wid a sick sister, and dident happen to hear de-mewsic, but
I hurd dat de bones used on de caishun wasent squite in
tune.

"Will Brudder Alabama Joe pleese pass round de sasser
and look out for counterfit money.

188 BLACK DIAMONDS.

, LECTURE LVII.

THE INDIAN SUMMER.

Loquacious La'ms :

De season will afford me a subjick for wibration dis
ebenin. We am now, 'cordin to de almanack, in de midst
ob de Ingia Summer. De wildest poets ob 'Merica hab
used up sebreal quires of foolscap and penny candles in tryin
to do justice to de perculiar emotions dat dis season always
trows into de hart ob de lubber of natur ; but dey can't
do it to dere sassagefaction, -and derefore dey try a new
one at ebery return ob it.

De reson dat it am call'd de Ingin sommer am bekase
de wedder, like de- Ingin, am mity treacherous, and ungartin ;
de sun will rise as yellar as a big pumpkin in de mornin,
and will warm up de arf like h6 does in June, for a nour or
two, and den he luff a ice bugg cum afore his face, and chill
all creation by dinner time, and cause a rise in coal ob tree
cents on a haff a peck afore nite.

Just so it am wid de Ingin. He will smile in your face
while he am sharpenin he scalpin nife or tommyhauk to cut
your troat wid in de middle ob de nite time. Derefore, you
see de simalarity am perpendickler.

Massa Bryant, de poetizer, who am always found at he
" Post," sez dat dis am de lemoncoly season ob de year. I
tiuk he muss hab ment lemoncolourcd season, for if yon
notice, de sun heseff looks like a polished lemon, and he tinges
eberyting wid lemon dat he shines 'pon. I lub to walk at

THE INDIAN SDMMER. 189

dis time ob de year beyond de pale fence ob sibilization, and
git ober,into Jarsey and cogitate on de latter ends ob man-
kind. For dis purpose I took my big cane and snuff box
and a woiage across de'bshun to Bohncken, tudder day.
We had a cargo ob Dutch folks and Dutch pipes abord, all
ob which smoked all de way ober. When I ribed dar I
found dat old Jack Frost had paid de country a visit, and
probably stayed all nite, for he had been dere long 'nuff to
paint de trees in waragated colours. Sum he tinged in gold,
some in purple and sum in red — de ceder, like de hard
hearted sinner am too proud to turn, and derefore am gis as
green as ebber.

De lass time I seed dese trees dey wus all beaufully green,
like a newly arribed boy from dg country, and, like de lad,
dey sported away in de full belief dat dey wood always be
young and bright ; but old Jack Frost hab 'bin mong dem,
and sprinkled dere heads wid frost, and de lebes, like de'
follies ob youf fram de old man, am fallin tick and fast
frum de old staid trees, lebin dem stripped and sturdy to
widstand de blastin winter. De little birds, too, dat 'pear-
ed so mity glad dat I cum ober to see dem in de spring, dat
dey chirped and sung all 'round me in de woods ; jumpin
fust frum one lim to anudder to get a peep at, me. Dey, too,
am gone ; dat old Jack Frost shook he finger at dem, and
drove dem off; dere wasent one to greet me wid he glad
song ; and eben de old bull frogs, who gub free consorts fur
notin all de season, frum sundown till sun up, hab gub up de
ghost since Gresi and Mario hab cum, and dey ain't got
a word to say for demseff.

As I stood lookin at de swamp where dey use to was, I
tort dat de poet was "bout right, when he compared dis
world to a big frog pond, and all de pepil to frogs. I will
read you what he sez, and see ef he am rite or not.

190 BLACK DIAMONDS.

DE FROG POND.

Dis world am all a frog pond,

I tink, widout de joke,
Ders frog's ob ebery species come

To kick about and croak ;
Day kick and croak trough marsh and ponds,

To catch dar share ob snacks,
Until death comes a frog fishing,
And wop's dem on dar backs.
De frog am a bird,

"Widout wing or fedder ;
He sing all de spring.
In spite ob wind or wedder.
Crook! crook!! crook!!!

De lawyer he's a nffisy frog,

He crooks about his fob ;
Upon some mossy bank he sits

A waitin' for a job ;
But should you chance to want his aid,

And cum widout de pelf,
He'll quickly leap into de stream.

And leabe you croak yourself. ,

De editur, ho'm a lean frog,

Wid scarse 'nulf to eat,
An' generly so crippled

•He kan't make both ends meet ;
De same to him am day and nito,

At work you'll always find him,
He writes to please, when he please to write

Though^poverty may bind him.

De preast, he am a yellor frog,
He crooks from morn till nite.

He gibs de debil's d to all

Who do not say he's rite ;

THE INDIAN SUMMER. 191

De justice, he'm a bull frog,

He does justice in de pounds,
He seats hesefif on sum high log,

And sings out " blood an' nounds."

De gambler, he'm a leap frog.

He leaps frum crime to crime ;
De poet, he'm a scaly frog,

Dat croaks about in rhyme ;
De lover am a green frog,

And isn't he a sad soul?
De dandy neber drops he tail,

But always am a tadpole.

Polytishuns am de needy frogs,

Daf crook in windy speeches,
Sometimes dey am no frogs at all,

But a kind ob two-legged leeches ;
He'll tell you he's de only man

In de nation can be trusted.
And ef you don't put him in power,

De counteree am busted.

Ef dat ar'nt poltry it am truffnl, and dat's gis as good.

I torn'd and luffd de spot,

Oh ! do not deem me weak
When \ tell you dat I'd^ot

A cold in my leflF cheek.
And an old smangled stump,

Dat used to ake me so.
Agin begin to jump.

And sed •' I better go."

And I hab de toof ake eber sence.

Will Brudder Bunnel please pass 'round de sasser, while
Sam Toolips will turn de organ and play "Poor "Uncle
Tom."

192 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LVIII.

on gen. scott.

My Stingy Herers —

I PROMISED lass week to tell yous who and what
Brig-a-Dig Gen'ral Windy Scotch am ; derefore, he him-
self will form de lenf and breff of my subjick dis ebenin.

Gen'ral Scotch was born in a soger cote, wid big bell
buttons on, wich de nuss sed was a nignomen dat he was
boru for a soger man — which nignomen cum true rite away ;
kase as soon as Scotch was big 'nuff to know a broomstick
from a mustick, he enter'd de armey as a powder monky,
and showed as great sagashity for de okkepation as
Donazetta's Artists do for deres. He soon ribed to
be captin of a miletary company, and when he was
dressed up in de unicorn wid his knackbacks on he back
and appledoff on he sholders, he look'd as brave as a sheep
iu a butcher cart. From ridin' de broomstick in airly life
he soon lern'd to ride a ho^s, and wen he was mounted on
his hobby he could outride riders, and he grew up a great
gen'ral, berry fond ob sogerin and clam soup. D§re am no
noein when he fast akkuired de lub ob soup, but he -has
'dulgd his apertite freely for a long time. De only ^me
when he forgot dat healfy beberage was when he cum do^;,
on de British at Lunday Lane, and giv' dem fits wid charge '
bayenets. Talk 'bout yur telemgraffs ! why he bete dat all
holler in de rapidity of he movements ; and afore de
enemeazels had time to blow de smoke away from afore dere
afrited vizagers, he was on dem and all ober dem'like a pot
ob soup a bilin obber, and day gub up de ghost ; and den

ON GEN. SOOTT. 193

de poets make song 'boat de wictory, and de Gen'ral took a
plate ob soup.

De nex' time his deeds stood out on de page ob history
was wheu be took de soger boys

to Meidco,

And gub dem stingo
From Sandamingo,
by jingo-!'

Dese Mexicans kicked up a mus wid us, and tort dey cood
flog ole ruff and reddy. But ole Pork and Beans gub dem
fits. Dere was an old she dragon down dere named Sarah
Gorden, dat none ob de natives cood master. But Massa
Gen. Taylor took de starch out ob her bonnet, and left her
in notin but a terrable bussel. Well dere was one feller dat
took up de fiteforher, kase she got whipped, and he was found
one mornin' by daylite by Gen. Scotch, who was a marchin'
on to Mexico. Dis feller's name was C. Palter Peck, and
when Gen. Scotch told him to surrender, he sed he'd see him
burn'd fust, else he wood- in a minerte. Well den de Gen'ral
tuk a hasty plate ob soup, and went at him and tan'd he
jacket for him in less den no time, and sent him home wid a
bloody nose and a flea in he ear for he gublerment. Den he
took a plate ob clam soup for 'freshment and 'laxation, and
sent home de dispatch wid all de rounds ob de fite in it.
Den he took mcfre clam soup and moved on to de town ob
Mexico, where he marched in at de head ob de army, like
King Shibbreem ob old did when he went

" Away obber Jorden."

Here he, made de peeple pay all his 'xpenses for comin'
dere to Uck 'em, and den he come home and made capital
on de intrest he got in Mexico, or else he made intrest on
9

194 BLACK DIAMONDS.

de capitol, I don't noe which ; but he cum back, and de
sogers here turn'd out and he view'd dem and review'd dem
to he hart's content. Den he took a plate ob clam soup for
heseff.

WMl de nex' ting we here ob him he am nomenated for to
be de Presemdent ob de Sunited Tates, by de conwenshun
ob wig makers at Baltimore, and I tell you he makes a tall
canditate — he is six foot ten or ten foot six in his stoekins,
I forget which. He can play de Scotch fiddle fuss rate,
kase he took lessons from ole Professor Scratch heseff.

Dere's one ting dat makes me 'mire he taste, and dat's ^e
great lub ob clam soup. If dere am ennyting dat shows
de uppecurian, it am a lub ob clam soup, and derefore, I go
for him ; kase if he get 'lected, clam soup will be de order
ob de day, and Anty Clawson will make a fortun'.

And — who put de lites out dere ? Say 1 who wos
it ? I hear you all a snickerin in de dark. I fiad out
by nex' 'lectur' nite, and I'll gub dem fits. It's a shame
to stop me in de middle ob a discord, jis when I was comin'
to de cream. But I nose de reason you done it, you black
scorpians — it was so you coodn't put notin in de sasser —
kase nobody kaa hand it round in de dark. But I'll fix
yon, anudder nite. Jake Bighed, open de gate and luff de
flock disparce.

MORALITT.

195

LECTURE LIX.

moealitt.

Revulgin Heakees :

As de political campain proceeds, morality makes a
retrogate movement and Vances backwards. As 'lection
day 'prochis, de sale ob rum increases, till I speck dat by
de Forf ob Nowember New York will be fluded wid de
same. Tings hab got to dat pitch when a rise in camfene
am considered nessesary, in order to meet de grate demand
by the free cent dealers. Takin all dese tings into 'sidera-
tion, I hab 'eluded, by de help ob de almanack, to discord
to you dis ebenin on de snbjick ob

MORAL MORALTIT.

I tink it behaves me to spoke plain, so dat you, my frens,
may not fall wictums to de wices ob de day. I found out a
good dele 'bout de morality ob de age todder nite, berry
akedently, too, dat pulled de wool off ob my eyes 'maisinly.
I will tell you how it wus, for your edication.

You all noe Dandy Lem, one ob de hundred head waiters
at de Misterpolitan Hotel. Well, Lem wus one ob de main
infrinments in gittin up de Sarahnade for me on de. nite I
cum home from Bosson, and played upon the comborion on
dat noisy 'casion — so I tort one nite lass week, when I wus
walkin out for medowtation, dat I'd gis stop in and see him ;
BO I call'd at de kitchen door, and wus soon seated atween
two ranges full ob fire, whar de debon\etor must hab been a
good ways above phizarro, kase I took a warm baff in 'bout

196 "BLACK DIAMONDS

five minits. Bf I had been libin on de Isle ob Wife, which
I find on de map ob Jersey, I coodent a felt more bleached
den I did when Lem-cum doun stars and rescued me frum
my meltin mood by witin me p stairs in his " studio," whar
he blacks de gemraon's boots. Dar we talked ober de aft
ob polishin different tings, and Lem sed he had recebed a
stugent dat day to lam de art. I told Lem dat his profes-
shtei wus pretty much like mine, and odder great teachers ob
mankind, kase we all tried to polish de understandins, and
I dident see but what he made de best show ob he laburs.
Dat made Lem feel mity proud. Arter complimentin me
on my siantific requirement, he axed me ef I ebber seed a
play, in de play-house. I told him, " Yes ; I recumlocked
goin to de -teatre, gis to study character, when young and'
afore my edication was confuted and finished, and seein
Hamlet, or Gimblit, de Prince, ob Dunkirk, where one
ob de Rochester Nockers cum to tell de Prince 'bout
de syrup ob swills on de Porkenpine — and I once seed
Micalbeth performed by a Scotch soger man in berry
short cloths." "Ah," sed Lem, "talk ob short close,
gis you cum wid me fru de private door us fellers hab
made frii de garret wall, and I will take you to de gallery
ob Massa Niblo's Saloon, and I'll show you sites in dat
way."

So I followed Lem up a dozen crooked stairs, and at last
he opened a little door, and sure 'nuff we was in to Niblo's
gallery. De house was full ob folks, and as I looked down
'pen de stage, I seed a hole lot ob lubly lookin wimmon
jumpin' bout in dresses dat make me blush.

" It shocks my modesty berry much," sed I to Lem,
" but I wish I had one ob dem dubble barrfeld spy-glasses
dat I see all de gemmon hab, gis to see 'zactly how neer
being dressed dey am."

MORALITY. 191

As I sed dis, a tall figure dressed in a suit ob jacket and
tight briohes, cum bouncin on de stage.

" Who am dat ?" axed I to Lem.

" Dat's Madum Soso," sed Lem.

" Git out," sed I, 'stonished to de back bone. "Dat aint
a womon do, am it ?"

" Yes it am," sed Lem. " She's dancin out de caractor
ob de ' Sivil Barber,' and dat lady dere, in de gauze dress,
am Miss Pourgee ; de pepil like to see 'em as much unlum-
bered wid dress as possibel."

Well, I wus puttrified wid 'stonishment, to see Soso and
-de rest kick up dere heels, frow der legs up, and hear de
folks scream ancore, or show^ more, I coodent disackly hear
which, but de more dey danced and spun 'round, de more
de pepil liked it, speeily de ole wite haded fellers in de seats
nie de fiddlers — dey stamped and claped and smacked dere
ole chops so loud dat I heerd dem plain 'nuff to be sartin.
Putty soon all de ladies in pink stockins and short frocks
cum doun to de lites, and made dere arms and legs fly in
ebbery direcshun ; den dey all whirl 'round and try to make
a pot chese hke de school girls does, and den doun cum de
curtin, and de gass at de same time.

"Why, I dident speck to see sich tings as dese," sed I
to Lem, as we grope^, our way back. " I tort dis wus a
garden, full ob trees and flowers."

" So it am," sed Lem, "fur 'bout fifty foot in de middle
ob de lot, dey call it garden to kotch dem pepil dat like to
whip de debil 'round de stump. Dere am a great menny
folks who wood go to a garden. Museum, Athaneum, or a
Lyceum, when dey woodent be seen at a teatre."

" But whars de difference ?" asked I.

" De odds," grinningly, sed Lem.

I luff Lem, and went and stood by de front door ob de

198 BLACK DIAMONDS.

garden, and seed de ladies and gemmen cum out ; and I
found dey were de berry most 'specktable class ob wite folks.
I seed members ob de church 'mong dem, and derefore I tink
it am considered 'specktable to go to sich places. Derefore
you may all go to enny sich places as am mentioned by
Lem, widout fear ob injurin yonr moral moralities. But ef
I cotch enny ob you goin to a Teatre, look out, I'll be doun
on you like a sarch warrant. You may go see de moral
drama, but luff me cotch you seein de drama widout de moral
'tached to de name, and I'll fine ebbery one ob you a bushel
ob coal, as I see no odder way to raise a fire here dis
winter.

Brudder Bummel will pleese~pass 'round de sasser, and
make dem fellers dat want to chip up silver put in two free
cent pieces. I don't meen to hab no more nockin doifn on
me wid dem church robbin coifis. Nex week I'll gib you
some more sass — boff kinds, fur your moral apple dumplins.

LECTURE LX.

QUACKERY. *

iNFAitus Deciples :

You will find de words ob my text dis ebenin, in
enny ob de noosepapers, ef you look fur it ; and you will
find plenty ob it all ober de kedentry widout lookin for it,
'bout dese days, as de almanack sezs ; and de fact ob its
bein so prebelent, am de grand reason why I tink I ort to
show it up to youf enlarged understandins. I shall derefore
emty my nolege.box on de siance qb

QUACKERY. ' 199

QUACKERY.

Ef a furiner wus to belebe all he hear on his ribal to dis
kedentry, he wood put us doun iu he scrach book, for a
nation of quacks ; for he am sure to hear somebody call'd
a quack 'bout ebery nour in de day, and de fact can't be
got ober, nor under, dat dere am a great menny different
kinds ob quackery runnin loose all ober de komunity. We
hab de quack doctor, de quack preecher man, de quack
lawyer, de quack politishun, de quack artist, de quack boot-
black, and de quack lecturer. But it is mity hard for us
poor ignorent sinners to find out \^ho am de quacks from de
Simon pure, ob all de professions in life, Eben I, myseff,
wid all my siantific resorses, hab been foold in one "way
and annudder, till I douted my own wisdom ; bat I hab
cum to kind ob rcfmetick rangement wid myseff, by which I
can suffer up de merits agin de demerits ob folks I meet in
de world at large, and cum to my own cornclusions, and I
will tell you how to find 'em out.

Wen you hear a preecher-man take he tex frum de scrip-
tur, and preech from de newspapers, and when he use de
words ob our Saviour, to probe his politikal docktren iu de
pulpit, you may in safty bet your dinner dat he am a quack !
and I don't noe a more contempable man in de site ob de
Lord and man, dan a qfuack in relegion.

When you hear a lawyer talk 'bout sacrificin he kon-
shunce to he bizuess, and offerin to stake his existence on
de rezult ob your case in de ward cort, anS at de mme time
wants a V or an X for his 'pinion, and boasts ob he nolege
ob Blackstone and Bluestone, ef you aint got a nose dat
am too flat to smell, you can plainly smell quackery and bad
gin, while he am talkiu to you.

When you heer a poUytishun spout 'bout his lub ob

200 BLACK DIAMONDS.

country, tand de dreful sacrifices he am daily makia for
de same, and tell you dat his 'ponent am a liar, a scoundrel,
a jack-ass, a platoon, a drunkard, a coward and a tief, you
may take your oaf on a stack ob my leckturs, dat lie am a
quack, clean doun in he boots. *

When you see a gineral, dat am nominated for a high
office, runnin all ober de country to find a lot big anuff to
bild a Horsepital to keep he wounded in, and stumpin it all
de way long, you may put it doun as comstructive quackery
, in de third degree, as de Jury sed, when old Jake Longhed
stote de saddle wid a horse under it.

De quack artist am pretty easily seen fru, but it takeS
some "little time to find 'em out, and dats de reason so menny
ob de furener musicians and actors dat send money .and
ready written puffs ahed ob dem, draw one or two big houses
afore de folks find* out dere true merits, and dey find dere
lebel.

But de quack dat hab puzzled rne de moss to find out, am
de quack doctor. Go to the Alempafist, and he will put he
hand under he coat-tail and patronizingly .tell you dat de
home-pafist, de Crono Turmal, de Water Cure man, and de
root-beer and yarb doctors, aU am quacks. Go to eder ob
dese fellers, and dey will tell you de same 'bout all de udders,
'cludin de AUapofist. One am always ca]lin de oder quack,
'till a common man don't noe which one to chose in case ob
sickness. I seed a berry 'musin seene once, in de 'treet. It
wus quite singular dat so menny different kinds ob docktors
shood me^ gis at dat time, at dat spot; but so it fell out or
fell in, gis as you like. One day, when I was takiu a strole,
pickin up reflecshuns for you, I seed a young mob 'round a
feller dat lay squirmin on de sidewalk. Dere wus ha£f a
dozen different docktors 'rouud him, and dey were 'sputin
who cum fust, and who's pashent he wus. De alempafist

QUACKERY. 201

«

clamed him, and had he lansit in he hand, and wanted to
bleed him. He sed it wus a case ob '^ highstrikes," and orf
to be blistered on de trunk or chest, I forget which., De
homopapist sed it wus his case, and calld for a tub ob
water, and sed dat ef de water wus got, and he wus to drop
one ob he little pills in it, and luff de man smell it tree times
true de week, dat he wood be' well by Sunday. Dis brought
out a hydropafist present, who sed "De man don't want to
smell de water, or taste it ; he muss habhe hed ducked
uiflier all ober, all de morning.". A man wid a paper ob
kiann pepper in he hand, beged dat dey woodent fool wid
de man, but take him at wonst to some Tom Sonian doctors,
and hab de disease bOed outVid ellick compain'and sassa-
gefax. While dey were arguin de pint, de man contribed
to set up, and looking at de crowd ob specktators wid a
gaze wordy ob old Toodles, sed, "Now see here, you fellers
don't noe noffin 'bout my case. It ain't water I want, but
brandy. I allers did hate that water, and only took it as a
medicine."

De doctors all sloped, while de people laffed. De fact
wus, de man had been taken suddenly drunk, and coodent
navagate wid he load no furder, and had fell doun.

Now de question rises, which one wus de quack ? Deres
no tellin till I git to be a stugent ob medicine myseff, and
put de world rite. De blackgards will meet on de
useal corner to jiractice de trowin ob old cuds of 'backer
and stumps ob segars on wite hats till taken up by de
police, prebious afore goin a target shootin.

Daddy Rice will please pass 'round de sasser dis time.
De hat he used on de last 'caishun I'm afraid hab got a
false crown in, for de kolleckshun wus radder short.

9*

202 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXI.

BOOK-KEEPINO.

Paltjted Sinners :

I HAB bin inquested by a disciple who sines lie name
" Clerk," to lecture dis ebening on de subjick ob

BOOK-KEEPING.

Derefore, I will Mo de same, in order, to pleese de
inquisitor.

I don't noe no dark myseff, spechely, 'septin Tom Woolly-
paight's oldest boy Jim. who am clerk to a barber's assist-
ent in Antony street, and I don't belebe he nose 'nuff 'bout
book-keepin to last him ober nite, derefore I kant kontribe
who it am dat wants litenin on dat subjick.

Book-keeping am one ob de dryest subjicks dat I ebber
'tempted to kogetate, and I don't noe ob a dryer set ob
fellers den de book-keepers gincerely am. One book-keeper
told me dat de dryest time he ebber 'sperience, was durin
the monflf job August, wuen he had to book ober twenty
tousaud boxes ob red herrin. It 'fecte(^ him to dat degree
dat he took to drink for more den a week artewards. He
positively 'serted dat while he was bookin dese tings, his
troat got so dry dat he spit notin but little bits ob cotton
all de time. Dere am sebrel kinds ob book-keepers._ Deres
de feller dat keeps all de books he kin borrow or steal — den
deres de publishers who am compelled to keep more books
dan dey want, 'speshely ef dere books don't take. Den
deres de folks dat buy more books den dey keep, and dose

BOOK-KEEPING.

203

dat keep more books. den deybuy, and I is compelled to say
dis latter class am as tick as skeeters in September.

Book-keepin hab more to do wid de welfare ob mankind
den a man wonld be apt to see at fast sight widout de aid
ob a pair on filosofical specktickels, for I find dat all de
success ob man's life in dis world and in de world to come,
am in a berry great degree dependin on how he books
balance.

Ef de biggist sum am loud to cumalate on the rong side
ob he legger, he bizness muss bust lyj, and he go to de Poor
House, and ef he can't show a clean sheet, well balanced,
when de final 'counts ob de world am settled up, he will be
apt to find hesefi" in a wors place den a Poor House. But
prudence, economy, and a proper exemcise ob de bump ob
" lib widin your income," will perwent de fuss catastrefy,
and an upright life will balance de sheets in de great book
ob life.

Dis great book ob life am a berry serious ting for a man
look into, ef he 'zamin it closely. Ebbery day opens a
clean sheet, whereon you may rite good deeds, charity, lub
to your fellow man, and homage to de gibber ob all good ;
or you may rite I cheated my nabor, I wronged de widdow,
I fool'd wid de gifts ob Providence, got drunk, and in de
Station House, or ennyting else you pleese. But de worst
ob it am dat what am wunst put down in de book ob life
kan nebber be scratched out. Its ritten in 'delable ink by
de hand ob de recordin angil, and ole Satan heseff karit rub
it out. You kant recall de sins ob to-day, to-morrow, mora
den you kan cure de headake arter a di-unk by promiceia
not to git drunk agiif.

I heerd a story 'bout old Uncle Sam Luckey and he rat-
taild dog, dat I tink am hiely isustrated on dis fac.

Ole Sam and he dog wns a loafin' round Washington

204 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Market one mornin, and in dere walks dey steped 'bord on
one ob de fishin smacks dat lay in close congelement to do
market, and arter lookin at de size ob de king fish and
porgees, and feelin de wate ob de clams, he come to a dozen
big lobsters dat lay on de poop deck. De dog Tollowed him,
and got 'mong de lobsters, and ole Pete Scaley, de Captain
ob de smack, tort he'd hab a little fun wid de dog, so he
slily puU'd de plugs out ob de big claws ob one ob de lobs-
ters, and in less den a minit de pendin tail ob dat dog, dat
had hung doun as bea^ul and strate as a penny dip, wus
clutched twene de claws ob de lobster, and got a squeze
heretofore unnone to de dog. Ponto gub one yelp and leap
togedder, and landed on the warf, lobster and all, and away
he went true de market, under de feet ob de huxtors and de
pie woman, and 'mong de legs ob de butchers, who evidently
tort he needed flufk, for dey trowed dem at him at ebery
turn.

At last he got out ob de market, and up Ke went to
Broadway, and scattered de swells and belles in ebbery
direction. Pete Scaly and TJncle Sam looked arter de dog
in stonishment, and Pete seeing dat he wus likely to pay
de price ob lobster for he joke, calld out to TJncle Sam to
whistle back de dog. But all Pete cood git out ob Uncle
Sam was, " You whistle hack your lobster." But dat lobster
wus like de deeds ob yesterday, it coodent be whistled back,
and gis as dat lobster cotch dat dog, so ole Satan will cum
de open and shut game on you, ef you don't keep your eye
skinned for future futurity. Derefore, look out how you
keep book, and see dat your good actions will more den
ballance de sins and corruptions ob your life.

Somebody stole de piece ob weddin cake Brudder Hyatt
sent me, and ef I find him out I'll fine him a bushel ob doe-
nuts.

A DARKEY WEDDING ALMOST. 205

It wasent de rats dat stole it, kase dere aint auy rats in
dis seller ; for I kotched mor'n a hundred myseff, in Anty
Clawson's trap.

I is glad you bout de organ, kase it can play "De ole
folks at hoi^." Brudder Godolphus Squash will turn
de crank, while Brudder Lem Lazyhed passes 'round de
sasser.

LECTtTRE LXII.

a daeket wedding almost.

Suspected Satalites —

You see me dis ebenin in a condi^hun onbecomin a
public teacher, but when I splain to you how I got dis black
eye and flatten'd smeller, I tink you will escuse me fur
'pearin afore you in dis sicherashun, 'spechily wen you take
in 'siderashun dat wen I stop my mouff here, my jaws am
stoped at home, also likewise. Ef I hadent a lectured to
nite, my coughfee and sassengers wood hab cum off radder
short in de mornin, kase Anty Clawson, like odder ladis
who take borders only for cumpany sake, wants de money
for my bord ebery week. I hab tryed berry hard to-
poswade her dat money wus -de ^ot ob all ebil, and dat she
hadent orter hanker arter ebel so much. All I cood get
out ob her insensable hed was, "Well, I kin always find
room to plant sich roots in my pockets." And to dis day,
ef I don't pay up ebery week, she looks as black agin as
possible at me, at ebery meal till de bord am .pade. It am
singular how mity perlite she am wen she nose I got de
bord reddy fur her. She will lean back in the cheer and

206 BLACK DIAMONDS.

say, " Professor, you will find the clam soup fine to-day, I
put allspice and unon iti a purpose, kase 1 node you liked
dem, and you will find de biled,macrill mity nice ; I got No.
31 gis to please you," &c., butluff me git a week 'hindhand,
and ef I take the smallest little bit ob maerill on my plate,
slie will flo-it her head back, and rollyup her eyes like a die-
ing caff and say, " I did tink when I put that maerill on de
table, dat dere wood be 'nuff fur de payin borders,' but
ffum present 'perences, I doiit it." Den I remind her dat
human kalculashun o^xv fail in dis worle, and she mussent
spect too much ; blessed am dey dat speck little, for dey
won't be disaj)inted.

But dis ain't tellin you now I got dis bunged eye, which
I m.ent to do in the fust place, but now I'll tell you all
'bout it.

I wus settin tedder nite warmin my shins by the fust fire
ob de season, when de seller door opend, and a boy ob some
9 summer, or summer complaints, I forgit now which, as de
novellest Say, entered de 'partment. In one hand he held
dat useful article, 'bout dese days, none as a pocket-hanker-
sher, which he persevered in nsin in de most industrious
manner. In de odder he held a Billy Duck, done up wid
free corners, and he asked for me by name. My boy, sed I
— I always say " my boy " to folks, like d« actors, bekase
it looks detrimental and big — ^I am de gemmon you am
arter — den he gub me de Billy Duck, in which I found'an
inquest to cum megitaly to No. — Pigtail Court, and marry
Miss Jamima Pacilla Brown Bentshins to Mr. Camptown
Swellhed, Esq.

Dere, tinks I to myseff in my hed, am a fifty cent job at
least, so I rose up and put on my hat, and told the lad to
promulgate -ihither, and I wood impress de aaf in he's
rear.

A DARKEY WEDDING ALMOST.

201

" Wat you mean, ser ?" ax he.

" I mean, in common talk, go on, I'll foller yon," sed I.

Well, he led me to Jami^pa's house, and dere wus de
cumpany, all r^ddy fur the execution. De bride blushed all
she cood when I went in, and de groom begin to whistle
Nucy Feal. De bride had on a pink frock wid loose sleebes
and roses, and on her brow sat a wreaf ob orange blossoms,
and for fear dat enny ob de folks woodent noe what dey
wus, she wore a big oiange in her hair 'mong de blossoms,
which made her look some punkins, upw, I tell you. De
groom wore wite trowsers, green gerocco boots, red west,
green cote, wid brass buttons, and in he bosom a dogseera-
tipe ob his Inb, in a gilt frame 'bout six by six, which gub
him a berry plckturesque 'pearence.

Putty soon arter I cum in, dey went a whisperin 'bout,
and den big Ben, de whitewasher, wid his hand witewashed,
to look like wite kids, cum to me and sed, " We're reddy.'
Den I stood up, and de cupple retreated towards me, and I
wus gis a gwaue to ax dem de useless question always axed
on sich caisons, when de door was busted, open, and a tall
black man, almost wite wid rage, bounced into de room and
sclaimed, "Stop dem forgered nuptilizatians ; dat gall has
been dethroned to me dis six monfs, and 1 cum to claim
her." " Ah ! say you so, my noble lord," sed de groom,
and he squore heseff fur a fite, and I put up my hands to
perwent it, and got two frum de big feller on de coco-nut,
one in de place I eat, one in de eye, and one on de nose,
afore I node whar I wus. When I found myseff, I wus in
de entry, and de two billigarent's wus a fitein in de room.
De wimmon run for de police, but as useal, it wasent dere'
turn to be out dai ebenin, and so dey cum back widout enny,
and two sisters led me home.

Dats the fust and last time dat I bin to a weddin, and I

208 BLACK DIAMONDS.

assure you on my word, dat notin but de suckemstance I gis
told you 'bout, cood hab sedued me to lebe afore de refresli-
ments wus passed round. ^

De nex day de groom called on me wid lie face doue up
in poultaces, and sed dat lie is guane to marry Jemima, for
sure, next week, and I shall hab de job, so I shan't lose de
haff a.doller arter all. Bf I am called on to 'form de exe-^
cation afore next lectur nite, I will tell you all 'bout it den.

Will Brudder Bleecher Wite pleese pass 'round de time
'onered sasser ?

LECTURE LXIII.

POLITICAL EEFLfiCTIONS.

Rebuked, Wooley Heds —

Sence de lass time I had de imperence to distress
you frum dis ole platform, dis mity country, includin Jarsey,
hab bin ruined and saved all in one day, and Massa Generel
Windy Scott and Brudder Seward hab taken passage in de
canal bote Disapintment, for de upper lakes on Salt Riber
to look for a hospital big 'nuff to hold seberel hundred
pollytishuns who hab sacrificed demseffs in der country's
cause for de lass four years — and now, arter sufferin under
de wait ob big sallarys and oberloaded stomjacks, muss hab
an assilam whar de turkle soup am made ob clams and sea-
biskit, and whar shampaine am made ob hard sider, and
whar fried oysters and lam frys am serbed up in de shape
ob pork chops and sassengers, wid all kinds ob sass from de

POLITICAL EEFLECTIONS.

209

waiters, and whar dey kin lay pipe for de new campain
undisturbed by due bil]s and conscience.

What a pity it am for Brudder Seward, who was a layin
so beaufully low, and keeping so carfuUy mum, till sich
times as he was called to de cabinet maker's shop in Wash-
ington, by de Hero ob Chipawa, Rescue-Dave-L-Palmer,
PuUy-all-toes, Sarah Gorden, and odder hard fit fltes. Ef
he'd a got into dat shop, he'd a kep dis nashun on de grid-
iron ob aggetation, and he'd a sprinkled mustard and kian
pepper on de raw places ob de body politick, till dat body
wood hab broken out in an open 'luption all ober, which
copias bleedin by de sword alone, wood sabe frum utter diso-
lution. Anty Clawson sez she's glad ob it. She's glad dat
he got defected. Kase he no bizness to go to de Irish fellers
arter he once swasheated wid de cullard poppelashun, kase
he nose how opposite dey am in sex, compossihon, dis-
posishun, whiskey drinkin and fitein. She sez he orto stay
'mong he own folks, de cullard people, and luff de Irish look
out fur demseffs. How fur Anty Clawson am rite, I lebe
future futurity to find out.

On de odder side ob de house, de Dummycrats hab
gained de day, and dem fellers dat you hab met widout enny
ober display ob linen,, dose dat hab giben no ockler domen-
stration ob ownin a shirt for de lass four years, will soon be
met atwene high heeled shirt collars, wid ruddy cheeks and
red noses. Dose dat hab libed on red herrin and saw-dust
puddins, till dey got as a lean as my sallary, will soon be
seen in de market-places, buyin in mock turkles, and bonein
turkeys, whenebber dey kin, and goin into stufin ginerly,
until dey git corperashuns on dem like de eels. Dat long
promiced time when Rome wus to be made to houl will now
soon 'ribe, and de howlin will be kept up all nite. A
'spectable man, like me, won't be ?lond to walk de treats

210 BLACK DIAMONDS.

arter nine o'clock, kase it am sich'a one-sided gnbborment,
dat de high-binders will hab it all dere own way, ef we don't
look out.

De majority in fabor pb dumocracy, wus as oberwhelming
as a galon ob lasses on a single buckwete cake, and 'bout as
sweet to dem. I node on 'lecshun nite afore de noose ribedT
by de telliegraff which party hab gained de day ; kase, as I
was comin out ob de seller dat ebenin, 'bout ten o'clock, to
wisit a sick sister, and carry her a few clam soup, I was
ruiHy 'suited by a feller in a monkey jacket and rolled
up trousers, who smashed my hat doun ober my head, and
told me to hurrah for Pierce and King, and passed on wid
as much apparent pride and sassefacshun as ef he had gub
sum poor distressed mortal a dollar to keep starbashun oif.
Dat was 'nuff for me, I node ^who was 'lected, and I tole
Anty Clawson so when she unbonneted me.

When a man gits 'lected, for an orfice for de fust time, he
ginerly feels dat he am ob as much emportance to de coun-
try as a musical clock am to a Dutch lager beer , shop, and
berry ofiBn 'buses de power him ambishun hab crabed — but
let sich chaps look out what airs dey resume, for ef I cotch
dem a cuttin it. too -fat, and comin it too strong, I'll lite on
dem like a hawk on a handsaw.

I understand dat de lublers ob siance hab met to 'siderate
'pon de 'priety ob presentin me wid a piece ob plate or a set
ob cups, and sassers, on de completeshun ob my fiftyef
Lecture. I hab bin waited 'pon to noe how much I
will pay for de same, and how much I will pay for do sup-
per — and dey told me to rite de prescripshun to put on it.
Derefore, a koUecshun will be taken up for de purpose. I'll
rij;e de speech for de committee to make to me, as soon as I
see 'nuff money to buy de tings. I pint de followin on de
standin kommitte, and ef I kotch dem getting so drunk at

FOLLOWI-VG THfc: FASHION. 211

de supper dat dey can't stand, I'lMne dem 'cordinly^Sam
Ledderlip, Jake Hosshed, Samuel Godolphuss Lutts, Wil-
liam Henry .Harrison, Napoleon Johnson, Henry Clay Mudd
and George Washington Lafayette Berrywinkle, Cudgo
^.rlmgton B. Fenton will proceed wid de hat ; de sasser am
broke.

LECTURE LXIV.

FOLLOWING THE FASHION.

(Grand Presentation.)

Selubious Disciples.

Dere hab bin hie old times kicked up sence I lass
spoke de words ota wisdom to you from dis old platform.
Sence den I hab recebe great stinokshun ob honor, in a tea-
pot and odder tings. De kommittee un de hole dat was
pinted lass lecture nite to get up a set ob tea tings to present
to me, sent me word to my santo skunktorurii, as we say
in French, de odder day dat I wus wanted on Monday
mornin at de office ob de newspaper called de Picayune,
which paper hab published all my lecturs — batteram add
likker ab 'em, as de Ingins hab it — and dere I wood
find de set ob tea tings to present to me as a great 'stinc-
shun ob honah 1 Dey told me I'd hab to rite de speech for
de presemdent ob de kommittee on de hole to say to me
when he gub me de tings. I derefore set up all nite to rite
it, and de next mornin I -dressed myseff in my best nip and

212 BLACK DIAMONDS.

tucker, as de sailor men say, and doun I went to de orflce,
and sure 'nuff, I found it full ob people.

When I entered, dey whispered one to de odder. "Dar
he is— fine old feller— good hed," and sich misgibbins as
dese, and megitly made way for me to get to de counter. I
felt as flimsy as a clam dat hab bin open in de sun for a
week, and de persperashun poured out ob me till I swat wid
xcitement. I set upon de counter, and dey gub me free
cheers ; and den Brudder Jonathan steped up to me, holdin
in he hands a big tea-bord full ob teapot, clam soup boul
and pitcher, and dus dressed your wordy teacher —

" Professor Julius Seaser Hahabal — Suspected sar : It
hab bekum a kustom heah, in dese diggins, when a man
wants to git into orfice, or wants to make a swell in de
world, to hab a set ob plate presented to him by his frens.
De fuss ting de man does when de idia seizes him, to hab de
plate presented to heseflf am to do somefin to somedody, for
somebody, or for de country at large, on which to hang de
xkuse for doin de same. Den it am blowed in all de noose-
papers dat Mr. What-you-call-'emjiab done so and so, and
his frens am gwane to present him wid a plate ob service, or
a service ob plate, for doin de same. Den de plate am put
in some shop winder and showed to de folks ; den it am
presented ; den de mun gubs his frens a grand supper,
(which you am bound to do on dis 'caision,) speeches am
made ; some git drunk, and dar de matter ends, ef some ob
de party don't git in de Stashun House on de rode home.
But wid you, sar, it am different. You don't ask for no
orfice, and it am well for de kommunity dat yoa cant git
none. Sittin all dese tings aside, like a leaky tea-pot, I
muss spress to you de repugnence ob my feelins in dus bein
de windy instrument fru which de kommittee on de hole

FOLLOWING THE FASHIOX. 213

present dese tings to you. Derefore, in considerashun ob
your great and preposterous larnin, siantific requirements,
dazzling talents, unabridged and unchained nolege, unmiti-
gated genus, unterified honesty, presumptuous standin in
'siety and general uselessness, we, de people ob your con-
gregashun, do hereby present you dese tings, in commisera-
shun ob de exalted suspishuns ob your character as a man,
a teacher ob siance, and a refulgent scholar ; and as Horace
(not Greely,) has it, nux vomicker, " Pluracy Unium," " sick
tramper, glori Monday morning," " Xous yerons, Tilletude-
lum Bone Saw and Au Resovoir," which means, dat ef it
hadent a bin for your diabolical renowned lecturs, de buties
ob clam soup and siance generally wood nebber hab bin none
to a darkened world ; derefore, we consist on your taken
dese tings : and as ofBn as you pour de tea from dis tea-pot,
tink dat it am de outpourin ob our lub and Indignashun into
your cup ob bliss. We hab ordered de supper at Anty
Clawson's. Yours, re'spectfully. Jonathan.

I will 'mit dat dis oberpowering speech ober ballanced me
— and I rose wid all de dignity ob an underdone buckweat
cake, and spoke as follows —

" G-entlemen ob de committee on de hole, and spectaters
generly — I hunted all ober de dickshunary lass nite to find
big words 'nuff to put into a speech a yard long, but arter
I got it togedder, I foun it only mounted to one scntance,
and dat am, I tank you clar down in my boots. Dut I don't
fully understand dis biziness. You gub me a lot ob tea
tings here, worf 'bout twelve shillins, 'cordin to pannbrokers
waluashun, and I got to gib you all a supper dat cost more
den five dollars. What do I make by de operashun 1 dats
de question. But I spepk its all rite, and derefore I 'cept
ob your pology and all de rest ob de tea tings. Your lerned

214 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Presemdent ob de kommittee on de hole, hab bin plesed
to put in de big licks in regard to my talents and genus, and
I speck dat am all rite, too. Ef I had weeded de paff ob
siance, and got up some ob de bigest stumps in de way ob
de stugent, I is .amply paid when I heer sich fellers as
Jonathan cotein Latin and French wid all de looseness ob a
colera season. He ludes to my prase ob clam soup. I will
'mit dat I lub dat artickle, but de reason I was so brilliant
on it, was for fear dat sum ob dem skillin lecturers at de
Tubernickel mite do it afore me, and git all de credit. I
will not detain sich a hungry lookin crowd as you from your
supper, no longer. I don't beliebe one ob you hab eat as
much as a cracker sence you heer 'bout dis god-send to you.
" You can hab de tings to put in der winder ob de Picayune
Office to show de outsiders, till furder notice."

When I wus done spokein, we journied to Anty Clawson's
seller, and precipitated ourseffs into de clam soup and odder
luxeries, 'bout which, I hab not time to tell you dis ebenin,
but I will tell you ob it nex week, maybe. I got home,
some how, afore daylite, and woke de nex mornin wid de
useal bumble bees in my hed. I wus jis gwane to send for
a Second Soda Bottle wid my lass sixpence, when a man
come to de doa, and axed for me. I axed him to cum
in, and what he wanted wid me. He told me he was
de Smiff.

" Smiff ! Smiffi !" sed I; " which one ob dem ?"

" Tin Smiff, sed he.

" Well," sed I, " Tim, how is you ?" When I sed dis, de
man looked daggers at me, and sed—

"Not Tim, but Tin Smiff ; I am de tin smiff dat made
de tea pot dat was presented to you lass nitc, and I want
my pay for makin dem. De kommittee told me you wus to
pay for dem."

FOLLOWING THE FASHION. 2 IS

" Croch all Hemlock, Gosh a mite," sed I, perfectly dum-
cumfounded. "Ipade for de supper! Why de tea tings
was persented to me for de siderashun of" —

" I dou't noe notin 'bout dat," sed de Smiff, " dey told
me to look to you for de money. I woodent hab trusted
dem fellows, no how ; but noein de tings wus for yon, and
you git & ftiir sallary, I made 'em up 'cordin to order, and
now I want de pay. Ef you don't fork ober, I'll go take
de tings out ob de winder in Fulton street, and sell dem at
oxshun."

Well, to cut a long tail short wid de sheers ob brerety, I
had to borrow de money from Anty Clawson, to pay de
bill, and I got to pay it back out ob de kollecshun dis ebenin.

Now ain't you a putty set ob ongrateful scorpians, to
humbug me in dis way^ I told de kommittee on de hole
dat I coudent efford to hab de tings presented to me, kase I
node I wood hab to pay forBe hole opperashunlike the
wite fellers, but dey persisted in complishin der bisness on
me, kase dey node a supper on de 'caishun wus indispute-
able, and dey cood all stuff der jackets as full as a berlona
sassenger, free gratis for nofin at my xpense, and dey went
in for de same wid a pertickler rush — but I'll fix dar flints
afore I'm done wid dem. Ef you don't chip up finely to-
nite, de tings will hab to go up de spout in de mornin.

Brudder Freelinhysen Goff Jonson, pleese pass 'round
de hat.

216 BLACK DIAlIOXDa.

LECTURE LXV.
HOW it's often done.

Suspected Filabusters —

In my lass discord to you, I gub you a descriptshun
ob de persentin' ob a set of pkte to your long suspected
-teacher, and I told you dat maybe I wood tell you 'bout de
supper dat I bad to pay for at Anty Clawson's. But as
dere wus berry little 'curred afore my recolecshuu wanisbed,
(which wus along 'bout .^welbe o'clock), wordy ob note,
septin dat George Augustus Thomas More Horace Greely
Henry Clay Butts, a niece of Anty Clawsou's, cum nie
chockin heseff to deff wid a big Cow Bay clam dat he tried
to swallow in de shell — and Uncle Jake Longheel took a
drink ob punch so hot dat it killed all de brown creturs dat
iie hab had in he troat for the lass two monffs — de fac am,
I belebe dat punch was made out ob camfene, for I'U stake
my dinner dat it wus strong nuff to kill at sixty yards ; and it,
or de clam-soup, or de sassengers, or de hoe-kake, or de raw
clams did cum putty nie killin Anty Clawson sheseff. She told
me nex day dat in de middle ob de nite-time she wus taken
wid an orful case ob de Wat-you-call-it, and she got up and
took niely a pint ob Wats-its-name afore de lobster, or de
sassengers wood lay still. Uncle Tone Clawson swares it
wus de sassengers, for he sez he heard a growlin in de bed
afore Anty woke up wid de pain. Now, as we all ob us
noe putty neer what sassengers am made ob, Uncle Tone's
argument seems clar.

A great menny people hab bin doun to de Picayune Office

HOW it's oftex doxe. 21t

to 'spect de set ob plate in de winder; all day long de walk
am crowded, and all who sees it, 'sclaims: how beauful, how
chaste ! but dere am berry few dat nose how much dey had
to be chased arter afore jist de pattern de kommittee on de
hole wanted cood be found. Dey chased into ebbery junk
shop in de sity for that clam-soup tereen, and dat elemgent
pitcher. De coughfee pot was made by de tin-man, which
I had to pay for, as I tole you lass week. I feel mity prowd
sense,I git dese tings, aldo I had to pay for de supper and
de tings myseff, and rite all de speeches dat was sed to me
as a stincshun ob honah:^and I hab worn my best Sunday
cloze ebber sense. As I lemonade down Broadway de gem-
mens look at me fru der eye glasses, and all de ladies peep
out ob de corners ob dere brite eyes, as much as to say, I
wonder who am goia to share de tea tings wid you ?
Ebberybody smiles on me, kase dey all noe dat all de siance
in dis world dat am worf noin, am locked up in the noledge
box, which am opened once a week for the litenment ob de
human mind and ipockets. While I get de smiles ob one
party, I get de frowns ob de odder, and I don't car. When
I fust commenced lecturin, two years ago, I did my bess
to suit ebbery body, but I found dat was as imposable as
for me to raise a dollar at de present speekin 'bout my
close, derefore I gub it up, for I seed dat dere was sum in
my congregashun jis like der am in ebbery older congre-
gashun, dat neber was pleesed wid anyting, not eben dere
own seffs. Sence I commenced to lite up de dark walks ob
siance wid de gas lite of nolege, dere hab bin a good menny
wite men dat become as jealous as tunder ob me, and tried
der bess to swamp me by gibin shillin lecturs, two shillin
lectnrs and haff a dollar lecturs, and now seein dat I am
still rooster ob de prominade here, dey hab sent ober to
London, whar de newspapers hab stole my lecturs, and got

10

218 BLACK WAMONDS.

Massa Thackery, de man dat rote de book 'bout shoemakers,
to cum ober to floor me. Thackery am a wise man, full ob
wisdom and fun, but I'll lay hira out. I'll shut he moufF
clo.se as a paunbroker's shop on Saturdays. It will be seen
wedder de pepil will radder hear 'bout de rain dat was sent
by Queen Anna, at free dollars a hed, or w^edder dey will
still prefer de solid chunks of nolege dat fall 'pon your en-
larged understandins from dis old platform, at de low price
ob free cents. No! I shall nebber be dribben off my plat-
form by no furener or native rambasender to de Corts ob
Siance, but like old King Cruso, of old, I shall rap myseff
up in my refulgent dignity, and stand on de poop-deck in de
rotunda of fame, and wabe de pocket hankersher, wid
Siance printed on it, and die in de cause ob siance widout
taring my shirt or disranging my tilet to enny malicious
extent.

Sence de sasser got broke, we hab had to take de k'ol-
lecshun up in de hat, and now we kin use de big tca-bord
dat cum wid de tea-set dat was persented to me by de
kommittee on the hole.

Brudder Icilius Jerome Napoleon Smith Rooster will
pleese pass round de same, and be earful to gib back no
change — small change am worf free cents on a dollar.

The Professor and Aunty Clawson.

woman's rights. 219

LECTURE LXVI.

'^ woman's rights.

Belcbed Bkudden —

Since I desceaded de' roosterum, as we say in Tur-
key, to poligamate de beauties ob siance ia all its warious
colors, dere hab bin sich a hurd ob lecturers swarmin' de
town, dat, pon my word, it seems as do de lowcuses of Bgipt,
dat we reed 'bout in de ' spelum book, had lighted on dis
commuhTfy, and deafen de public ear wid dere buzzin. We
hab Lecturers from Europe, who cum here to comfab wid
de Snobbcracy"; we hab Lecturers from Boston, who cum
to tell us 'bout de Pilgrim's Progress to de Plymoff Rock,
and de way to manefactur wooden meg nuts and pegged
shoes 5 we hab Lecturers from Turkey, who lecture on
Greese, and Greasy lecturers talkin' 'bout, Turkey. Konsorts
am no longer call'd Konsorts, but Musical Lecturs, in which
music am fr-tfci brown, and made radder ober done by five
hundred choras singers: But de most remarkable ob all de
mankind lecturers am de woman-kind, who cum 'mong us and
trow, down the gimblet, or gauntlet — I forgit which, but it
am all de same — and openly declar' war wid de Lord ob
Creation for de breeches, and spout 'bout wot dey call
Woman's Bights.

Now, I hab hard a good deel 'bout dese Woman's Rights,
and sebreal ob de sisters hold a con-wenchon like de wite
women, on de subjick, lass year, which you will reeommem-
ber ended in a fite, by sum low cuUord pusson puttin' out

230 BLACK DIAMOffDS.

de lites jis as Ant Rachel wns gwaii to spoke on de prebe-
lence ob Liein and darkey babies. Dese shemale cogetatora
talk all de time 'bout Woman's Rights, and nebber say a
word 'bout Woman's Leffs. Now, I like to noe b6ff sides
ob ebbery question, and derefore I will mention a few ob der
LefFs as well as dere Rights ; and in huntin' up ebedence on
de question, I find dat one woman left a baby at de door ob
an Alderman, lass week ; anodder leff one at de house ob a
Priest, all done up in red flannel and holdin' a track in its
h-md, called " Suffer little children to come. unto me." But'
wot am wuss to me dan dese tings, dat ole washerwoman
dat mangles ray shirts weekly, leff'^towa Ti^s^day, wid my
bess ruffle shirt, and I speck she will wear it at de ne.x coa-
wench on ob Woman Rights. , ^

Dese womans all want to be Captains, when ole Human
Nature formed em spressly for mates ! — When a sailor cap-
tain ships a mate, he ships a mate, he dont ship a captain.
Dere can't be two captains abord one clam sloop ; and if
de mate fools around de captain and tries to boss it obber
him, de captain am jis as sure to lam him ober'de head as I
am to hab de rumatism afore de nex storm. Defore, you see
if a woman ships on board ob de canal boat Matrimoney as
de help-mate ob de captain, .she mu=>t be content to be mate,
and help de captain, or else^slie'll find de debil's owntrowble
in de caboose house. Tings hab stood dis way ebber sense
de year one, when Adam wore jacket and trowsers, and so
day will stan as long as de sun shines on the lofty Benjaman
Loraan's hills of Skotland,

Talk 'bout de Woman's Rights ! why, dey hab more
rights now den dey noe wot to do wid ; and wot few
she aint got, she takes. I pity some ob dera poor fellers
dat tout dey marred angels, jis as ef ennybody ebber
seed a shemale angel in de pictur' books 1 I don't belebe

woman's rights. 221

dar am eny , shemale aggels in dis world ; dey'm all he
fellers.

Some men spile der wifes' by bein' intirfely too sweet to
dem, when dey fust, git married,; pettin' dem up wid sugar
plums jand sich tings, and lettiii dem hab ebberyting dere
own way for a while an den try to fiteit out ob' dem de
second^clons ob de fust year.

If ebber it shoold be my lot to bring de highmenial alter
to enny yoiilig woman, I should 'sist pon sleepin' on de front
side ob de bed de fust nite, and I'd stick to it fruout my
natural life. I go jy* for gittin married. It must -be rite,
kase ebberybody does> it ; derefore, I say unto you, spend,
not your days' in single retchedness, nor your nite& edder,
but get a mate to cook de witals wliile you stear de bark ob
life into de snug harbor ob Prosperity,, animay your crew
increitse as rapidly as you all may wish I

Brndder Juluis Mark Anthony Pol us will please hand
round de tea board. If gnybody wants me to lecture on
eny partickler subjeck, luff em send in de inqust and name
it.

222 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXVII.

THE KESULT OF DILIGENCE.

Luxurious Lazarettos —

In de lass clows ob my lass lectnr, I sed ef enny ob my
congregashun wished me to lectur on enny perpendickler,,
subjick, to send it in to me, and 'cordinly I recebe dis pistol
from some well-meanin brudder ; —

" Mr. Hanabel — Please lectern oa the word, ' Search de Scripturs,'
and ef you have a mind to, you may do much good among your
thousands of readers. '*

" An Admieeb."

Now, my frens, Mr. Admirer seems, like a good menny
odder folks, not to understand me or my mission, at all.
Fram de fast to de last, during de four years dat I tab
lectured to you, I hab nebber meddled wid religous sub-
jicks, or intended in any way to burlesque religion, or eben
to speak light ob it ; but der am hardly a week passed during
dat time I had not been 'quested-to lectur frum sum tex plated
out to me in de good book ; but I hab nebber done so, as I do
not claim to be a preecher man, but a compounder ob all dfi
siances in dis sorcumlambular world ; but it may not be a
miss to relate hear a suckumstance dat 'cur in consequence
ob sarchin de scripturs, in de back woods, which am sed
to be a fac.

When dat good man, who spent a long life in doin good
to he feller man, Lorenzo Dow, was trabblin in de west-
ern hemisfere, he stopped at de house ob a squatter, and

THE RESULT OF DILIGENCE. 223

found de hole family, consistin ob lebiii childreu, in great
tribulashun and trouble. Now wat you tink it was dat
trouble dem so much 1 Wus it an oneasy conshunce ? No I
it wus fur de loss of de fine toof comb. Now de loss ob a
fine toof comb to one ob us in de city, whar sich luxeries
surrund us on ebbery side, am nofin, kase we kan git one at
enny minit ; but de loss ob de only one in de house in de
back woods, whar it am ten miles to de nearest store, am a
greviance dat. am sure to lead to numerous consequences —
too newmerous to menshun. , De old lady sed, her and de
children had searched de house all ober fur it, and scratched
in ebbery corner but no comb cood be fouud. De ole man
had scratched, she had scratched, de children had all scratch-
ed, up stairs and doun stairs, but it was ob no nse.

" How long hab it been lost 1" axed de pias Lorenzo.

"'Bout free monfs," answered de ole lady ; " and de only
comfort I hab in de hour ob trial am a readin de Bible."

" Do you read it often ?" axed Massa Dow.,

" Yes indeed 1" sed she ; " mornin an nite."

You see she node Lorenzo, an wanted to git in his good
graces, an derefore humbugged him a little.

"I is glad to hear it," sed the good man, "for it am de
rock on which all mankind may rely in safty. But I tink
ef you stigmatize a thorough inquiry about dat comb, it
cood be found. Let me interefy de children 'bout it, and
see what can be solicited."

So he went to de old man fust, and axed him. He sed he
dident noe notin 'b9ut it, nor dident qar ; he nebber trubbled
his hed wid none ob de fashunable tings, and he nebber re-
• collected using a comb in he life. He wus sassagefied to
luff he har be as natur made it, and looked 'pon dis combin
ob de har as bein 'tirely superdickilas. ~^ '

Den Dow went to de oldest son, who told him he dident noe

324 r.I.ACK DIAMONDS.

wliar de cussed ting was, nor dident want to. He tried it
once in his bar 'boat two years afore, bat it hurt him liite
thunder, and dat was 'nuff fur him. He sed he wus glad it
wus lost, fur ebber since it cum in de house de children had
a cryin spell once a monf when de old woman got at their
heds ; but now it wus lost an dere wus piece in de house.
De children wus den questioned, one by one, but no light
troun 'pen de subjick. Dey all 'pared glad dat it was lost,
so de search wns gibben up but de scratch continued.

Darin de ebenin, Brudder Dow talked to dem 'bout sarch-
in de scriptars and de old lady sed she always did, and per-
tended to be too good to last long. When bed-time cum,
he axed fur de Bible, and purposed reading a chapter to
dem. So dey reached doun de good book frum off a hie
shelf, and found dust 'nuff on it to write " damnation" on all
ober, and when he opened it, out fell de fine toof comb dat
had bin lost free monfs. De old lady was dumbfoozled
when she found she was cotched in a lie, but she owned up
and promised henceforth to sarch de Bible, spechaily when
enny ting wus lost.

Some ob dis congregashun might find somefin by sarchin
de good book. Maby a lost consience might be restored,
which cannot be in any odder way.

I hab bin axed what cared my black eye ; I will tell you.
I hab a great deel ob trouble 'bout it. Some body told me
to use raw oysters— I did, and I eat more den haff a bushel,
but dident do my eye no good. Den I use Muxtang Line-
ment and raw clams, and dat fetched it all rite.

Brudder Bunnell wus so klumsy arter de change lass week
dat he smashed de sasser, derefore, Brudder Kincklee
will please pass 'round he hat on dis 'portant 'cashun. 'Let
Brudder Primly turn de organ an plaj, " Cum ober de wa-
ters, Charley, to Bobuckem."

THE FELLOW THAT DOES ALL THE MISCHIEI'. 225

LECTURE ^LXVJII.

the fellow that does all the mischief.

Darkened Hearers —

De tex for my letur dis ebenin, am to be found in
ebery house, 'speslierly de kitchen, in dis inflated country.
He am de moss mischievous raskil, and thiSvin scoundrel dat
eber got into a house. He am eberywliere and nowhere at
de same tifrie, and I hab bin more tormented and annoyed
by hira den enny odder feller I nose ob at de present time
speakin. De ramscalion dat I 'lude to, am

MR. NOBODY.

I hab no dout dat you hab all herd ob him. He smashes,
on an aberage, in dis toun, enny quantity ob croc' cry,
lookin glasses, tumblers and furnature ebery day, and he
steals more sugar,. cake and sweetmeats, den a jack-ass kan
back up a steep hill. He smashes 'hole trains ob rail-roads,
and kills people ebery day, and I tink it am high time dat
de police wus put'pon he t/ack to catch him. He hab gone
on frum stealin small tings to commitin murder, and now
scarsely a nite passes dat we don't hear ob him being to
blame for some kind ob 'trocious deeds or odder. A Cap-
tain ob a canal-bote told me todder day dat he got abord ob
his ship and stole eberything he cood lay his hands 'pon for
'bout a monf. De brabe Captain laid a trap to catch hira,
and gis as he had him, he missed him. I'd like to kotch
bim myseff — he got in here since last lectnr nite, and nocked

10*

228 BLACK DIAMONDS.

doun de stobe pipe, and stole a pint ob bed-bug pisin dat
wus under my desk in a brandy-bottle. I speck he drink it.
He cum to Auty ClaTvson's todder nite and eat up a hole
lot ob cold clam-soup, and ober twenty raw cow bay clams.'
Auty Clawson laid it to me, but it warn't me, and I noe gis
as well as I noe dat Jake Somendike put dat bad shillin on
de tea-bord lass week, dat it wus old Mr. Nobody dat done
it. But I tink I got him now — I tink I'll do de hole world a
great sarvice, and hab my name emdamned on de McCutchen
ob fame dat all preceedin ages may admire, kase who eber
driuk up dat bed-bug pisin in dat jimerjohn dat I forgot to
take home lass week, and luff under dis desk, am sure to die
a good while afore his time comes. It may not kill him rite
off, but it am sure to wind up de tread ob his xistance afore
I hab de honor ob portrudin my nolege box in your presence
agin.

Hello ! wats de matter wid sister Pacilla Amelia Baxly ?
She's fainted, eh ? Gis tonish her face wid a little cold
water, and let sum ob de highfalutin sisters hold der epsom
salts as much under her nose as its flatness-'will admit, and
I tink she will cum to mighty soon.

. De man dat lost his faberate dog, and went into a sassen-
ger shop and whistled, and seed all de sassengers squirm to
git to him, wus never more sassagefied whar his dog wus,
den I am sassagefied whar dat brandy — I mean dat bed-bug
pisin, went to. I devise Sister Baxly to take a dose ob
camels and gallop, and let an ingine play doun her throat
for a few hours ebery mornin, and mabe she'll git ober it.
Her inerds muss feel 'bout as bad as mine did de mornin
arter Xew Year's, and mine felt like a dirty swill pail dried
in de sun.

My Stingy Deciples — keep a sharp look out for dis Mr.
Nobody. Ef you kotch him, you will make somfin hansom

THE SLANDERER. 227

— ^for dere am at de present time speakin, more den a tousand
steambote and railrode axidents blamed upon his mity
broad shoulders, and de korrener hab got heaps ob vvurdixs
aginst him. So keep you whether eye open for him, and ef
you kotch him, bring Tiim at once to Anty Clawson's. and
make him own up 'bout dem clams and cold soup. ,

I is inquested to state dat Sister Rolickson am layin bery
low (in a seller) in little Apple Alley, wid a gum bile on
her heel. Her frens tink she am layin at a kritical pint,
(ob gin, I gess), and de doughnashuns ob dis congregashun
am inwited to attend. "

Jimmy Ducklegs will gleese promulgate dis sasser as de
tea-bord am to big for sich a poor and stingy set.

LECTURE LXIX.

THE SLANDERER.

My Deer Chilly Chums —

WiDOTJT wishin or 'tending to cast reflecshuns on enny
cumpany enny ob you keep, eder personly or indiwidually, I
will call your 'tention dig ebenin to de 'siderashun ob

DE BACK-BITER.

No dout moss ob you hab your own idias ob dis feller,
kase yon hab all .suffered more or less — 'speshly more — frum
de sting ob sum one ob de different kinds — for be it none
dere am sebril kinds ob back-biters in the world. Dere am
de back-biter ob de bed-bug speshies — de back-biter ob de
flee family, and den dere am de oddei' kind less 'greeable

22S

BLACK DIAMONDS.

and more prolific, dat git free passage by de tousands wid
ebery imigrunt ship dat ribe frum Dutchland or Irislilaiid —
but all ob dese, or ebbery one ob dem aint pertic;kler which
dey bite, de back or de stumjack, so long as dey git
dere sucker in. But tis no creepin- iaseck back-biter dat am
luded to 'speshely, in de tex, but it am de sbeekin, crawlin
anamal found 'mong mankind, and more frequently offin
'mong de woman kind. Dey am de same unprincipaled
suckers, let dem be found wharebber dey will — only de
human back-biter am de wuss, kase de sarpant nose better.
De insexs do it for a libin, but de humankind do it for a
nastier and baser purpose, and dat am to injure dere nabor
— but tanks be to de Lord, in nine cases out ob ten de back-
' biter gits bit moss orfully, and de kittle oI» filty slime dat he
wants to trow on he nabor's karacktor, gits upset in de
'tempt, and cubbers heseff from one end to de odder, till he
slips up on his own well greased falsehoods and falls kerswat
out ob de good graces ob all good pepil. " By strict 'ten-
tion to de biziness," I hab larned to tell de back-biter afore
dey say fifty words. Ef it comes in de spechies ob de ole
maid, she will set down on her cheer, and kind a squar herseff
for a day's work. She will put her har back ahind her ears
pull out her 'nittin, smack her lips, and kommence by axen
ef you nose Miss So-and-So, de berry pusson dat she nose
you nose more den enny bodyelse. Well den, ob corse you
answer in de infirmative, and den she begin by rollin up her
eyes like a pig at de sound ob thunder, and sayin, " Well,
do you noe >dat I found out a great sekret 'bout her and her
family, all by axident todder day."

When de shemale back-biter gits dus fur in her calomel, de
best ting you kan do am to raise de winders and begin to
sweep de house widout putin a bit ob tea-lebes on de flo.
Ma-be dis gentle hint may put her recolleckting apparatus

THE SLANDERER. 229

into opperashun, and she may 'member a iall she forpjot to
make somewhar else, and clar out. As she goes you may
chuckle in your slebe dat you got rid ob her weight in trub-
ble.

Hemale back-biter am more to be dispised den de she-
male, kase de almanack sez dat she is koustitushunly dis-
posed to it, and derefore kant help it ; but I would as lefe
be 'flicted wid dat old rumatism and de meezles at one time,
as de kompany ob one ob dese fellers.

It's a wonder to me dat de ekicklyastick preechermans
don't spoke 'bout de backbiter more den dey do, for dere
am a good menny in ebbery kongregashun, and dere arnt
no class dat suffer more den dey demseflf. Seeing how pre-
belent dese animal? am, am it enny wonder dat eben me,
who I tort wus 'bub suspishuns, should git a bite now and
den from a feller as big as a sea turkle, but de smart will
nebber last long. ~»

Some feller, femenine, ealiiue, or odderwise, hab got up a
rumor dsit it ain't charata-ble purposes dat bring your shep-
herd out late at nite, in de districk ob Church street. And
when I tell dem 1 wus gwine on de Fibe Pint mishun, dey
chuck der beds back and grin. Now I gis tell you all on
de square, dat I'm gwaue to be all round nites, to see what
my kongregashun are up to, and ef I kan't beat morality
and siance into your heads by kind words, frum dis old desk,
I'll see what a pression a hickory club 'bout free foot long
will make on your coco-uuts ef I cotch you round enny ob
dem dark alleys, whar de yeller widder or "plaited wool"
Pacilla libs. And ef Brudder Peter Napoleon Buxter don't
put at least a ha£f a dollar on de tea-bord dis nite, I'll tell
de hole kongregashun whar I seed him a eaten trype and
clam soup todder nite at Anty Rachels, in Prife Alloy,
Dat won't be back-bitin no how.

230 BLACK DIa:.!0\DS.

As New Tear's day will ribe 'moug de holiday times dis
year, gis de same as it did lass, I speck 'nuff on de tea-bord
to furnish a few dough-nuts, sum lager beer and sum clam
soup for my frens on dat day. It's 'tonishing how menny
frens a pusson finds out day got on dat day, dat nebber cum
neer you enny odder day in de year.

I speck sum new cloze for my New Year's, and ef you
don't raise me at least a free dollar suit, I lectur to you
next nite in all de rags I kan find in de house, and as dere
am notin else but rags in my wardrogue, I'll hab no trubble
to cubber myseff wid de same.

Brudder Andrew Jackson Paine Luffies with please stop
ticklin Sister Jemima's nose while she pretends sleep, wid
dat goose feder, and pass round de bord.

LECTURE LXX.,

EAELY SEU'LEMENT OF NEW TOKK.

DoDTiNG Pilgrims —

As dis am de beginnin' ob a new year, I 'speck you
speck me to say somfin on de flite ob time or de progress ob
de world, or someting 'ludin to de comins and goins ob dis
sanculanalua arf ; and as ebberybody gubs New Year's
distresses, I spose I ort to do de same likewise also. It
wood take 'bout fifty sich beds as mine, tick as it am, to
keep you, posted up on tings as dey pass 'bout dese days.
A feller hab got to hab de intelleck ob de elemfint to_keep
hoseff posted, widout temptin to exasparate odders by his
nolege ob de times. Bat I'll cast a few reflecshuns on de

EAELY SETTLEMKNT OF- XEW YORK. 231

past, as de lookin glass sed to do ole maid, consarning dis
New York, which am now as large a burgh as any in de
country 'round.

In takin a prospective view backwards at dis Toun, eben
in. my day, leads a man to tiuk he am in Rusha, by de way
tings am rushed tru in dis fast age. Ebbery ting am fast
now. No old slow coaches can git 'long for dem locomoko-
focotive bullgiues. De sloops and skooners in de ribbers
am all in de way ob de steembotes, and ebberybody seems
detarmined to lib fibe or'six years in one — but dem fellers
dat lib fast, die in de same manner, and here am where de
laff cums in by de undertaker.

Natural History sez dat de Dutch fust settled dis Hand.
But hi.story don't say how much dey settled it, but I don't
beleve dat ef all de Dutch in de world, filled to de chin, wid
sour-crout and lager-beer, wus to cum here, doy cood settle
it more den a lack or an inch-and-a-haff Abby De Poise
wait. I tink der« muss be sum mistake in history 'bout dis,
or else de feller dat rote it dident noe how high de Hand
stood afore it wus settled.

Wlien de Dutch landed here, dey found de natibs bizzy a
roastiu furriners, and frum de way de tribes belongin to de
press club (dis club will break dere own heds yet), hab
roasted Thackery, de English gemmen, dat wus sent for to
swamp me by lecturin against me in opposishun to me my-
seff. I say from de nice manner in which dey hab roasted
him, I tink dey keep up de practice ob roastin furriners til
dis day. But sibilization hab done wonders for dis Hand —
kase when de Dutch fuss cum dere wus only one rum and
beer shop on de hole Hand, and dat was kept by de old
Gubner heseff — and look how sibilizashun hab stretched he
influential arm, and see rum-shops and lager-beer cellars all
round. Where dere wus one in dem days, dere am forty

232 BLACK DIAU0ND3.

tousand now, to say notin oh, de Dutch grocerys on ebbery
corner, whar spiritual knockins am so offiu herd. It was
'mong dese Dutehraans dat New Years kails wus fust in-
vented. Dey used to make hot-stuff out oId Santa Cruise
rnra, hot water, little butter, and plenty alspice, and de
way dat hot stuff used to fly wid de krullers doun de troats
ob dem fellers atwene de Dutch words dey wood spit, out
wus a canshum to de risin giuerashuu ob de day. Dm dis
place wus kalled Rotterdam, but old Justice Von Slockein-
himer sed it wus too much like English swarin, an dey alter-
ed de name to Manhaton, for shortness. Tings am changed
wonderfully sence den. Whar de Ingin used to cum ober
frum Long Island in he kanoo, to steal de Dutchman's sheep
and rum, now runs de steembote, de canal-bote, and de
clam-bote. De ribber dat wus so full ob all kinds ob fishes,
dat dey used to cum to de beech to be kotched ef de fisher-
men whistled for dem, am now plowed by de mighty steam-
ships dat run 'twene here and todder side ob Jordan.
Eberyting am steam now-a-days, and de folks am not kon-
tent to hab it on der railroads in de out-squirts ob de city,
but dey am gwane to hab a rail-rode doun Broadway, and
in a few short time you will beer de buUgine snortin frum
de Battery to 911th street like a mad bull in fly-time.
Den, my frens, look out for your heels ; sum ob dem I noe
am big 'nuflf to upset de hole train, -but don't try it ; 'spere-
ments am sed to be dangerous by de oldest foolosefers.
You may trow 'em off de track widout injury4o yourstffs,
by layin your beds on de track, but don't fool wid your
heels. Dis rail-rode bizness am runnin away wid de wite
peoples branes and money, and I xpect to see de day myseff,
as old a disciple as I am, when we will eat by steem and be
karried to bed on a rail-rode, worked by de steem dat cum
frum de tea-kittle. Ebberyting am improvio but my sallary

ON JAPAiJ. 233

and de karacter ob my congregashuu, but I'll improbe your
morals or take de lass cent you got, I dont care which,
afore I'm done wid you.

I is 'bliged to de Darkns Siety for de trousers and socks
dey sent me for my New Years, and also to Brudder Pete
Somendike for de hundred clams. I'll 'member dem boff as
long as dey last.

George Seward Romeo Gingerly will do "ie boners wid
de tea-bord.

LBCTTJRE LXXI.

ON JAPAN.

Ardent Nigoramasus —

It seems to me myseff, dat sence I took to lecturin
in dis burgh, eberybody dat kan rase sufBshent money to
pay for a few penny candles and a puff in de noospapers,
hab took to de bizness. And wat for ? I ax you. Why,
I'll tell you wat for — gis to try to run your old friend and
Benjaminfactor, me myseff, off ob de track ; but its no use,
dey might as well try to dam Niagaree wid a hay-riggin, as
to scar dis chile. Here I'll stand as firm as a Jersey bank,
and as unchangeable as a counterfit silver dollar bill, regard-
less ob all consumstances.

I is gwane to liten your conshence dis ebenin on de
Gogrofee Siance, and spoke to you consarnin de Hand ob

japan.

Japan, my frens, am siterwated a good ways oflF from
Cony Hand, clar away ober todder side ob Jordan. It am

234 BLACK DIAMONDS.

summer time all de year round dar ; subequently dey neber
hab no Christmas nor no New Years, kase dey ain't no
winter time to hab 'em come in, like us blessed mortals.

Japan am whar all de Japan candlesticks, Japan lamps,
and de sasspans cum frum. De Japanonians am just de
cnler ob a Japan candlestick, and I speck dey culer dem by
rubbin de perspiration dat comes frum dere faces while dey
am a making dem, on de same, which fully 'counts for de
perculier culler. Dey am an industriously lazy set, full ob
idolitry and dirt. Dey hab always looked 'pon de Yankes
as a bery unsartin set ob fellers, 'cordin to de Almanack,
and dey won't trade wid dem a tall, karse dey had hurd ob
de wooden megnut, wooden cow-cumbers, and wooden puukia
and water milluns seed, and dey am afeerd ob gittin stuck.
Now, ef dere am ennyting in dis world dat will brake a
Yankee's hart, it am to be fooled in making a trade, eder
nashonly or indiwidually. Derefore, old Uukle Sam talked
wid Massa Foolmore, de Presemdent, and 'eluded to send a
few notions out dar to try to 'fluence trade. He speck to
loose a little on de fust cargo and make it up on, de last. I
don't zackly noe gis wat he sent out, but I speck its de
useal rum and 'baeco. I tink dey'd hab done better ef de3''d
a sent a cargo ob Sourkrout, made of Massa Wan Buren's
cabbages ; kase I speck dey noe aril 'bout dat luxury, as dey
trade only wid de Dutch nashun, and dats 'bout all de
Dutch deals in, 'septin Dutch clocks, music boxes, hand-
organs and gin. I gess TJnkle Samevil will dribe a stiff
trade wid dem. He hab sent a hole fleet full ob bum-shellf,
cannon-balls and cutlashes, and dey kan eder take de bean-
ful bargins he hab sent dem, or dey kan git licked jist as
dey like. Ef dey show shy on a trade, de Kommodore will
gis read one ob Capt. Coggy's Forf ob July orashuns to dem,
and ef dat don't fetch 'em, dey got to be bum'd for sardn.

ON JAPAN. 235

Dere ain't much nown 'bout de habits and customs ob de
natib Japanonions as yet, kase dey hab kep all deir siance
locked up in deir cubberd in one corner ob de globe out ob
site, but Unkle Sara will open de do' and luff de world see
all dere Japan ware. It am sposed dat dey hab a habit ob
eatin like de cuUerd man, and in all probembility dey do sum
few sleepin during de twenty-four hours aloted to mankind.

I told you dat it wus summer all de time dar. Dat, my
frens, am all owing to de klimate. I wish we hab sich a
klimate heer in de winter time. It wood sabe cole. Sum
folks hab a knack ob sabin cole eben in dis cold region, and
dat, too, when de jimbometer am below freezes. I noP7 niy
frens, dat it struck your understandins mity cold heer on
last lectur nite, and ef you will wind up your recolleckshun
apperatisus, you will remember dat I spoke 'bout its bein so
cold as niely to friz my fingers and toes, and I promised to
'zamin into de state ob our cole' basket — and now I must
'form you ob one ob de most diabolicoal Swindells on dis
congregashun, dat yon eber heer ob.

You all noe dat we hab chipped up money heer ebery
week for cole ; but we hab been fool'd, and dat money hab
bin nocked doun and spent for clam-soup by dat runygarte,
Bill Nubbins, de sexton and undertaker. 'Wat makes him
an undertaker, am de fac, dat he undertook to keep dis room
clean and make de fires for two shillins a week, but he hab
not done it no how. You all seed, as you tort, a fire in de
stobe ebery nite, and I noticed dat sum ob de bredderin and
sistern hab went to de stobe to warm dere shins, and I tort
cum away sassagefied, but my frens dar wus not no fire
dar — dat red wat look like fire in de stobe wus notin but a
piece ob red flamel wid a Japan lamp ahind it to make it
look like fire. Dis niggerisni wus perpetrated by dat orful
bad darkey who hab libed off ob de bounty land ob dis ecu-

236 BLACK DIAMONDS. '

gregashmi. Derefore, I pint Brudder Snra Peighper as de
sexton hensefort, in de place ob Bill Nubbins, and de lexshun
must take place for de same. Dat red flamel fire am like de
lureraents ob de old Bellzebnb. He hold out a false lite to
fotch sinners to de warm place.

Brudder H liry Honeystone will plee.se pass roun de sas.ser
and bite all de sixpenses. I got two tin and one led one
lass week.

LECTrREfLXXII

A LONG DISPUTED POINT FULLY SETTLED.
UnCONWICTED S.4.RPINTS

Ob late your suspected speaker hab recebed a good
menny billyducks frura different kinds ob peepil, axin him to
lectur on all kind ob subjeck. One wants dis notty pint
'Splained, and anudder wants dat one solbed, till I tink de
wite folks as well as de black folks muss tink I am a walkiu
incidopediah ob useless nolege. '

I shall undertake to lectur on dis 'portant 'cashun frum a
tex which yon will find done up in an unwellop at my studio
skunktornm, in a note frum a feller sitizan to me. De words
ob de tex am dese —

Professor J. C. Hanuibal^Will you please tell us in your next
lecture, what color our first parents, Adam and Eve, were. It has
been an undecided question since the commencement of the world,
and we now look to you as a man of siance and wisdom, to settle the
point for all future generations. Yours, in doubt,

" OsS OF Yocit COXGEEGATION."

I muss admit dat I wus hiely flattered when I git dis note,

A LONG DISPUTED POINT FTTLI-T SETTLED. 23 1

kase it shows dat I'm considered sum punkins in de field ob
siance — and as I rolled back in my arm cheer arter readin
de pistol, I inwardly xclaimed, whars Tom Hyer, or Yankey
Sullivan, now ? Whars Henry Ward Beecher ? Whars
Horace Greeley? Whars Capt. Coggy ? Whars Gen.
Jones ? Whars your Ben Franklins ? Whars your New-
ton Isaacs ? Whars all de rest ob de foolosefers ob de past
and precedin times, dat dey muss cum to' dis old chile when
enny pint ob refulgent 'portance hab to be settled. Dere am,
I is sorry to say, a difference ob 'pinion regardin my .'bility> to
settle pints, kase dat old D^jlchraan uex to Anty Clawson's
woodent trust me for a pint ob lager-beer last nite, and gub
as a reason dat I had not settled de last pint dat I owed
for. But dat aint notin to do wid de subjick.

De question am, what color wus Mr. Adam and Mrs.
Adams ? Her maiden name wus Eve afore she becum
Adam's wife. We don't lam in lateral History what Mr.
Adam's fust name wus, but I 'speck it wus John, or Ben, or
Bfrum, or sum ob dem names dat git in Congress. Dere hab
bin a good menny foolosefers 'tempted to 'splain de color ob
dese two pepil. Old Sambo Carson, v^^ho wus a sound preech-
erman (most all sound), ses dat Adam and Eve was de two
fust black men, and dat Cain and Able wus de second best
— dat Cain and Able wus boff butchers — one wus a killer ob
de ground, and de odder wus a killer ob de sheep — derefore
dey wus " mutton butchers."

Now, my ignumrant frens, I warn you aginst sich doc-
trine as dat, kase ef dey was all black, whar in de land ob
de liben did de wite trash cum frum — and ef on de odder
hand dey wus boff wite, whar did de darkey cum frum —
and ef one, odder Mr. Adam or Mrs. Adam war
black, and de odder wite, dere decendants wood hab bin
a kind ob wheat and ingin pepper and salt cullered com-

238 BLACK DIAMONDS.

munity — derefore you see as plain as you can see an
iceberg in de moon-light, dat day muss hab bin edder de
one or de odder, black or wite.

I is kinder 'clined to de idia dat dey wus boff black — den
ob course you want to noe whar de wite man cum frnra.
Well, I 'splain dat as clar as a brass button atwene a dar-
key's lips. Dey cum frum de Isle ob Wite, whar de fust dar-
keys muss hab gone and got bleeched. Dere am no denien
de fac dat de folks born on de Isle ob Wite am wite folks,
and enny fool kin tell you dat. Dis mass be de true origi-
Bal origin ob de wite man, kase ef Adam and Eve wus wite
in de beginnin, whar did de danley spring frum ? I don't
'lude here to de darkey I seed spring out ob de second story
winder at sister Jane Ann Plimins todder nite, when old Pli-
mins cum home radder onxpeckedly frum Long Hand, kase dat
arn't got notin to do wid de kase, I meen whar did de fust
black man spring frum ? Why, you poor sinners, deres no
noein — ef dey wasent black in de fust place, kase dere am
no He ob Black mentioned in de Almanack fur dem to go
to git black at. True, de^ mite cum pretty near it by
going to Japan and gittin Japanned all ober — but den dey
wood be only copper-colored like a copper tea-kettle. I
sumtimes tink dat maby Adani mout hab bin a blue man
(kase you noe dat men hab a great propensaty for getting
so), and Ebe a yeller woman — fur by mixin dese two cullers
togedder when you mix de wall wash, you will hab a beau-
ful green, and de lord nose dat dar am a great mennj green
ones 'mong mankind ginerally. Derefore, I consider de
pint .settled, and you may applaud as much as you like, at
de 'portant decision ob de kase.

De sexton hab just handed me anudder billydnck wid
anudder inquest frum Brudder Blockhed. De riter ses dat
fur sebrel monfs past, he, himsefif, and all his frens, hab biu

ALL SIGXS FAIL. 239

a tryin to suffer up and assertain do difference atwene " an
old saw-mill dam, and a d — n old saw mill."

'Pun my sole I can't see de difference at de present time
spokein, kase a dam is wickedly out oh place widout de mill,
and a miU woadent be worth a cent widout a dam — howeber,
I may tink differently, artej; I take a chaw ob 'backer, on it
and ef I do, I'll open de floodgate ob my elemquence on de
subjick nex week.

Dere am a great differepSe atwene a saw-mill now and
what dey used to wus. I^-i^ed to be dat de wood wus
brought tode mill, but de jaaMfcob probement now marches
off de mill to de wood. . ^^

Sam Beatlehed, you be so kind as to tote 'round de sasser
dis time. ^

LECTURE LXXIII.

ALL SIGNS FAIL.

Inflated Mortals —

I IS gwane to hab a wurd to say to you dis ebenin
on de

SIGNS OB DE TIMES.

When I say signs ob de times, you muss not 'spose I
meen dem signs dat say skruce beer and ginger-pop on dem,
nor dem wat read^washin' done here in de reer, kase I don't
meen dem. I meen de ipwisable signs dat -only men ob
siance kan 'tinguish in de times. Dere am signs posts stuck
up in de rode ob life, 'pon which us noein fellers kan read
what yon poor ignunireat scoundrels don't noe notin 'bout.

2i0 BLACK DIAMONDS.

You had hurd ob de feller dat died and made no sign.
Well, dat chap coodent a bin edd er a sign-painter or a biz-
ness man, or else he'd a made sum kind ob a sign afore he
died, ef only a lai-ger beer sign wid a cork-screw on it.
America am a nashun tfb signs — ef a man hab got only two
lemons and free decanters in hp window, and a quart ob
rum on he sheff, he am sure to git a sign clar across he
house, wid sum mity big name painted on it, wid Wasiiing-
ton in de middle. Napoleon Bonypart on one end and
Andrew Jackson on de odder.

De signs ob de times all|Kk .upwards. Ebery body am
gwane up toun 'mong de IrisHockracy. De lower part ob
de sity ain't worf libin in no more. De pepil all mobing
ou^^ob it, and now de churches am all gwane up dere, too,
so dat putty soon de doun toun abdoreens will be widout de
benefit ob de clurgy. I may hab to go up myseff afore long
■ — deres no noein. Tings hab went up to-day dat didn't
tink ob it yesterday. I>eres Bill Lucky, put his coat up
(to spout), and Dan Honestface hab bin sent up to Black-
well's Hand, and dere am no noein who may go up next —
tings look mity omnibus 'round dese diggins.

It arn't considered suspectable to lib dis side ob fifty-ninf
'treet no more — derefore I tink we better foller de tide ob
minagrashun, and jump 'bord de big scow ob " speckula-
shuu," and go up wid de rest. I don't mean up Salt Riber.
I heer dat its crowded up dar. All de Hotels on de banks
am full, and plenty hab bin turned frum de Greeley House,
and Seward's Manshun Hotel am oberrun to sich a degree
dat de " outs," as dey call 'em, hab to 'ply to G-en. Scott's
bead-quarters fur shelter. All ob de houses doun toun am
oberrun all de time. Ef not wid boarders, dey am wid bed-
bugs, which am all de same.

You should nebber belebe dat bekase a house hab a big

ALL SIGNS FAIL. 241

sign, dat de shop am always full, no more den yoii should
belebe ebery man you meet wid a high forehed am a Daniel
Webster or your suspected shepherd.

Signs am bery deceibin. I'll tell you a nanagote 'bout a
sign, which I heer some time ago, in order to probe my
insertion.

Dere was once on a time, dat a man up set de hide-buzi-
ness down in de swamp (dere hab bin a good menny swamped
round dar, and dats why dey name it ^swamp), and wen he
opened shop he dident noe wat kind ob a sign to git dat
wood be different frum all de r^ ob his nabors — so de tort
struck him (dese fellers will strike pepil sometimes, and de
hed generally kotches it fust), dat as his name wus Taller,
he wood bore a hole in de front door, and put a caff's tail in
it, and de letters O. R. at de side, so it wood read tail-or,
and besides be an insignificance to de passer, dat he sold
hide and leder. Well, he opened shop and he hadent bin
open more den free weeks, afore a customer cum, dat
am he tort he was a customer, and I 'speck he wus,
and mity green one at dat, frum de country. He fust
distracted de 'tention ob de man ob de shop, by bein seen
by him"a-walkin up and doun in front ob de store, >wid he
eye on de tail all de time. Kow and den he wood stop and
handle de taU, and seemed as if wanted to play wid
it. Once he wus seen to take a rule out ob he pocket
and measure de size ob de hole and de tail, and Mr.
Tailor opened de do' and axed him ef he wus lookin fur hides.

" No, sir," sed de countryman. - " I waaent in want of
ennything in that line, but I wus foolosifizein on dat caff's
taU in dat hole."

"Well," ax Mr, Tailor, "do you see ennything berry
strange 'bout dat ?"

" Well, yes," returned the man. "I' wus trying to make
11

Z4a BLACK DIAMONDS.

out how on arf a caff cood git his body through dat little
hole, and not git his tail in."

So you see by dis simple cafPs tail, dat signs am bery
deceibin. Derefore, trust not to dem. You often see tings
in front ob shops dat am not ment fur signs. 1 heer dat a
drunkin feller wus found layin on a tabern stoop, fass asleep.
and a man stuck he hed in do' and told de tabern keeper
dat he sign had blown doun, and wus layin on he stoop —
dats anudder instance ob not understanding signs.

De signs ob de present time am all gold — gold — gold.
Eberybody am arter it, and de pepil will reach so high to
git it, dat I am affraid dat de speckelashuns will fall to de
ground, and de price ob white-wasbin fall wid it. Look
out, my frens, how you read de signs ob de times.

Dere will be a coUeckshun taken up dis ebenin to pay my
washwoman, and backer bill, and to send a mishouary to
Congress to sibilize de members.

Bradder Jeemes Cornfoot will pleese pass 'round de
sasser.

DISPLATS TAST LEARNING. 243

LECTURE I,XXIV.

DISPLAYS VAST LEARNING.

Ladies and Gemmon —

JsoTwinsTAXDiN de change in de gubernraent, I shall
still continue to spred de lite of siance abroad. !Not\vidstiind-
in de adwent ob Capt. Coggy in de leftural world, I shall
still shine and claim prosedence on de ladder ob literary farae_
I shall dis ebenin draw my discorse from gogrofy, and
splain to yon comfiu 'bont de

CHINESE.

De Chinese country am sitewated in direct antiphathies
to New York, on de globe ob de world, and I found out dat
de sun goes dar darin de nite when be lebes de back side
ob Hobueken at sua donn, and cums up tudder side ob de
Dry Dock in de morning— derefore de day time cums in de
middle ob de nite 'mong dem folks, and dats de reson dey
am sich a curious set. De Emperor wants to make belebe
he am sura pankins, and derefore claims to be a neer relatif
ob de sun, and calls de stars he sisters, and soaps up de natifs
dat he cum frum heaven to rule dem for de good ob de
country. He rites his letters on a sheet ob paper as big
as a bedqnilt, and signs bis name wid his foot. De kountry
all worship a little wooden image dat looks like a nigger
baby wid de mumps, and dis dey call " Josh," widout enny
odder name. Eberybodies name in China am edder " Mcasi "
or " Cow."' Deres de family ob " Mean frens," de Cow

244 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Chows, de Cow Chews, de Chow Cows, and Chew Cows,
but its all cows, and de reson day call so manny cows, am
bekase dey all wear tails, only at de odder end ob de body
frum de cows in dis country.

De produckshun ob de country am cups and sassers, reed
cannons, opium, tea-boxes, and Chinese Junks, Dere food con-
sists ob rice,. opium, tea, birds-nests, snails, little puppys, rats
and mice, catapillars and grub worms, and when dey hab a
holiday-dinner, dey serbe up a roasted dead dog, wid de bark
all on. All dis am eaten wid ticks ob wood, sted ob nives
and forks. De only use nives am put to, am to cut de ears
off ob balawacktors or milafactors I forget now which.

De Chinaman resemble de cullard man in sum respecks,
and den again he don't. He got a flat nose, but little feet
and black teef, and he shave he head. He resemble de dar-
key most in caracktor, kase he will steal. But de Chinese
teaf does it different frnm de cullard man — far when de
latter goes to teal chickens and eggs, he only pulls off he
shoes, but de Chinese strips off all his close as nakid as a
skined ell, and greeses heseff all ober wid goose greese, and
puts he hed in a bladder, so dat he cow-tail will be safe, and
den he am reddy to slip tru enny punctuation frum a port
to a gimblet hole. Insted, derefore, ob de police carrying
" billys," dey had a little tin pan containin' ashes, which
dey wear 'round der nex, and de moment dey see der slip-
pery customer, dey rub der hands in de ashes like de eel
butchers, and put after de teaf. As soon as de kotch him,
dey pickel him up in a tub, wid gis his ded out ob de cub-
ber, and dar he sets, dubbled up like a jack-knife, in de
market-plase, wid a beauful roasted rat widin two inches ob
he nose, till old Kee Cow De Fing Fang, de Captin ob Pol-
ice, tinks he hab 'nuff, and den dey spank him wid a bambo-
spawn stick, and- send him home.

DECEFflONS. 245

De sogers dar dress in calico frocks and paper soger hats,
and carry guns made out ob long reeds, which dey fire off
wid a match at de touch-hole. For dis purpose dey carry
a lantern wid a candle in it, and dey lite de match to de can-
dle, and den stick it to de touch-hole, and off goes de gun,
and does as much execution as a sixpenny squirt.

All dis, you black scorpians, goes to probe dat de
Chinese am behind de age, and I think a mishonary ort to
be sent out to dem, to show dem how to make clam-soup
and berlona sassengers. De kollecshun dis ebenin will be
fur dat purpose. I shall tote 'round de sasser myseff.

LECTURE LXXV.

DECEPTIONS.

Rebelous Rebels—

I SHALL spoke to you dis ebenin frum de tex, which
you will find in de pictur books.

" JfEBER TRUST TO 'PEARANCES."

My frens, dis am a wicked world — full ob deceit and'
nonsense, big pumkins and bigger lies, and all sich warmints.
It seems to be a wonderful disease on de part ob eberybody,
to seem what dey are not, and derefore humbuggery am de
order ob de day. One man paints up he old brick house de
culler ob brown stone, to humbug folks into de idia dat it
am granite, anudder man follows in de paff and paints up an
old wooden shanty in imitashnn ob marble, and humbugs

246 BLACK DIAMONDS.

hfeseflf into de bslief dat he libs in a marble palace, but boff
ob dese instances cura.i ckrly under di; law ob false pretence,
bekase dey pretend dere bouses to be, what in reality dey
am not — derefore you see de inipereiiee.

When eiuiy ob de sisters make dere twilight to go out a
leQionadi'i in Broadway, dey giuerly make up fur de caishuii ;
so dat you can't trust to 'porenees — and I tiuk dat a 'zauiiu-
ashua ob de subjick will at oncj convince you dat Mr. Brig-
a-Dig Gine'ral Jackson's use ob cotton at de battle of Xew
Orleans hab been hiely 'zageraterl, fur he only used it to
fortify his front, but de ladies use it on all sides — not so
much for fortificashun as stuffiflcashun. When dey don't
stuff wid cotton, dey use dem little double-brestedi scoop
nets what yon see in de windars in Broadway, in de cosdet
shops. Bnt do de sisters use false pretences in order to hum-
bug de odder sex euny more den de dandy doss to swell np
he own figur — -fur ef human natur had made enny ob dem
wid de deformed chists, dat sum ob dem carry, dey vvood
consider demseffs a damaged piece ob mortality, and wood
be a runnin to de doctor man to git cured — and agin, ef
riatur 'flieted a man wid a red head, and a beard liaff as black
dey culler it, he wood be considered a curiosity fit to hab a
star engagement at de Museum. Wheneber, derefore, you
see a man wid a red head and black whiskers, do not blame
natnr fnr sich botch-work in 'temptin to make a man, but
let de fait rest in de rite place, and accuse wanity and de
low price ob de hair-dye fnr de same, and set it down in your
scratch-book of nolege as false pretences in de fifth degree.

My poor deluded frens, ef we war to trnst to 'pereiices,
we wood belebe de moon to be a bladder wid a gass lite in
it, and de sky a sheet ob bine rapping paper, wid spangles
stuck on it. We wood look 'pon de sun as de draft hole to
de bad place, and we wood git stuck wid tin shillins ebery

DEOEWIUNS. 247

day. Logwood and alumwater wood b3 drank for port wine,
and camph3;ie swalleroi fur ds b333 bedia gin. We wood
make judges oat ob owls, and ministers oat ob jack-asses —
bakass ons look wise, and de odder grave. So yoa see dere
ana no 1133 ob trujtin to 'peransss. Ef we do we will get
mity taken in, now mind I tell yoa. We are more apt to
trust to 'psreiices in our young days, den we is arter we git
oar eye-teef cat. I noe a little darkey dat was beaufully
sacked in by a lookin-glass once. His farder and madder
lib in a back country, on a cotton plantaslion, and de little
feller hab neber seeu a lookin glass in he life, bat he hab seen
a monkey fast to an organ dat cum fru dar once, fast to an
Italion, Well, one day de farder ob de boy went to toun
and bied a glass, and pat it in de bottom ob he trunk.
When he cum home, de little darkey opened de trunk cub-
ber, looked in, and shut it doun agin quick as lightnin, and
jumped 10 his feet and slapped his hands, and sung out,
" I'm glad 1 I'm glad ! fadder hab brought home a monkey,
and I is gwane to play wid it."

So yoa see what it am to trust to 'pea,mnces. But I
belebs it am born in us to wish to seem what we am not.
Little boys am ginerly born wid der fists doubled up to
make de nuss tink he had cum fur a pugalistic fite, when he
am noffin bat a feeble sucker, who looks 'pon de eye ob he
madder as de moon, and her mouf as-de gateway ob heaben.

I may hab somfin to say to yon in my nex 'bout de now-
geras/iwn, ef it don't turn- out to be too great a bore.

Brudder Horace G. Goagh Batthed will please pass
round de sasser, and refuse all suffern and western wild
cat money.

248 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXVL
a trip to washington.

Beloved Proselites —

As it aDi well none by de world ginerly, and dis con-
gregashun in particMer, dat I hab bin doun to de Capitol
ob de Nashun, and seed de 'Naugerashun ob Massa Pierce,
I 'spose it am spected dat I should liten your intelecks on
wat I seed and herd in dat city of polushun, politicks, big
streets and big taberns. Derefore I shall, like all odder
great trabelers, gub you a few notes (not bank notes), I
took on de journey. Massa Fuller, Massa Willis, Massa
Bryant, am all ritein to de noosepapers what dey see —
derefore, I do de same.

On de Wensday, mornin afore de 'naugerashun, I took de
cars, or redder de car took me frum Jersey City to Filem-
endelfy. De pepil wus bery perlite to me, and I only had
my^hat nocked doun ober my eyes tree times durin de hole
passage. I dident car fur de hat, but my wardrobe and
wooden comb wus in it, and my todder shirt got mussed.
Nobody cood tell what I was gwane to Washinton for,
and dey kept axin me ebery now and den ef I wus spectin
an oflSce, and one feller, dat opens oysters in Fulton Market
when he'm at home, behind a pair of cullard mostachoes,
said he wus well 'quainted wid Gineral Pierce, and ef I'd
gub him fibe dollars, he wood secure me a posishun as Ram-
bassender to Coney Hand, whar I cood git my fill ob clams,
at de xpence qb de Post Office. I tort it wus a putty good

A TRIP TU WA piNGTOX. 249

offer, but I beat him doun to free dollars, and he 'greed to
git me dat office, as he sed dat wus de only office wacant
fur a cuUerd man.

Wen I got to Filemendelpha I looked all ober fur de
mustashoed feller, but coodent find him no whar, no how —
but ef eber I do lay my outraged hans on him, he'll smell
sumSn like Bunker Hill, I'll bet a brickbat against his hed.

De comduckter on de Baltimore track made me git in de
car whar de gemmon's luggage wus, and T laid my hed on
somebody's police, de contents of which, acted on me like a
dose of ludlnm, and I fell asleep till de depot ribed at
Washington. Wen we got dar, I found de police belonged
to a sertain editor, and wus fill'd wid his weekly papers.
Dey husseled me out ob de cars wid de rest ob de baggage,
and I commenced to hunt up a place to sleep. I speckted
to find a crowd ob darkeys at de car-house' wid bangers
and music, to scorch me up to de toun, but not a darkey
node me, and I wus compelled to sleep at lass (dere bein no
odder place in de toun), on a hepe ob shawens, under de
steps ob de Capitol. In de nite a snow-storm come on, and^
I kotched sich a cold dat I dident noe whar to git brake-
fast. As I scratched-out frum my sleepin place, and brush-
ed de shawins out ob my har and close, I met Massa Tom
Benton, a strutin doun de walk in a deep revelly ; no dout
cogetatin in he own mind, wedder he made de Almity, or de
Almity made him — and wedder he honored de Senate House
or de Senate House him. In a minite Gen. Cass cum along
readin de Picayune, and a lookin a little grum, as ef he seed
somfin he dident like.

Putty soon de pepil begin to gedder round de Capitol, in
front ob de big platform, and a feller wid a paper ob to-
bacco in his mouf, told me to be a mobin, dat he dident like
to see darkeys a strolin round de Capitol, so I took up my

11*

250 BLACK DlAM'JXIia.

line ob march to de rofunder, in de middle ob de house,
whar all de pictures am 'boat Gen. Washington. I found de
floor moss an inch deep wid tobacco spit, and here again I
wus told to raobe on, but I 'termined to see de Naugera-
shun,- so I left de primices and got a pail ob water in ray
hand and a tin cup, and I went in high and dry on do tem-
perance principal, behind a soger company, pretendin to gnb
de sogers drink, and de sogers wood hab lilied it fuss rate
ef dere had only bin brandy mixed in wid it.

It wus a snowin all de time dat Massa Pierce wus gittiu
bored wid do augerashun, and eberybody sed it wus 'bout
as Pierce-in a day as wus eber none in dat part ob de
climate. I seed de hole proceedins, frum beginin to end,
and I'll bet all de money dat cums in de sasser to-nite, dat
Massa Pierce habs his own Way 'bout tings in general.
Old Massa Fillmore rided in de carrage wid him, wid a face
as mild and sweet as de fust blush ob a Roria Borin Alas,
on de fust dew-drops ob de mornin — feelin, no dout, perfeck-
]y sassagefied dat he had done his duty. Ef he ain't
sassagefied ob de fac heseff, de pepil am, and dats 'nuff.

De darkey popelashun ob Washington woodent suashcate
wi 1 me, and troud it up to me dat I wus a poor free nigger,
and dident belong to nobody, and I wus too low fur dem to
mix wid. 'Siety 'mong de cullerd folks am berry good in
Washington. A rarabassender's or a Fur-on Counsellor's
darky won't suasheafe wid a Congress-man's waiter no how.
And fur my part, I like de Norf de bess, kase here de darky
kan bo as sassy as de wite trash, and. be suspected gis de
same. Derefore, I is glad to git back, fur I ain't seen you
since I don't care when, and I feel as glad as ef I'd found a
clean .shirt, and I cood shake all ob yonr corn-stealers at
once. I shall hah someSn more to say, gis as like as not,
'bout sum tings I seed on de tramp, fur I seed a good deel

OLD TIMES AND NEW. 251

which dis old hedake ob mine won't let me open on dis
ebenin. But I'll tell you dat a Naugerashuu day in Wash-
ington, am wat a Forf ob July am here, all 'sept de hot sun
and rum stands round de Park.

A.s trablin am putty nie all f aid fur in dis country, I find
myseff mity short on de comia home trip, derefore I shall
look fur a full sasser dis ebenin.

LECTURE LXXVII.

old times and new.

Lambashus Sinners —

It is my 'tent and purpos to say a few wurds to you
'bout old times and new times, compare de past wid de pre-
ceedin, and de comin times wid de futur, and see de differ-
ence, or in odder wurds, I shall spoke to you on de

INOAWSHHNS OB DE AGE.

Who am dere 'mong dis big^ crowd dat don't recomlect
old times? Maybe sum kin go farder back den odders. I
liebber node an old darkey in my life, eder hemale or she-
male, that hadent held Gen. Washington on dere nee and
nussed him like a baby — but I aint none ob dese— I don't
date back so fur, but I go a good ways in ihe rear of tirao
notwithstandin — and wat was considered sum punkins in ray
young days am now looked 'pon as old fogyisra. I don't 'zactly
noe de menin ob old fogy, but I will send an inquiry to
Massa Cass, as dey say he noes de critter like a catakissim.

Wen I was young, de old ladies in de parlor used to take
delite in nitten stockins — dat day am passed, kase dey got
a mechine fur doin it now. In dem days it wus part ob a

252 BLACK DIAMONDS.

wife's duty to make her husband's shirts, but tain't so no
more — dere's a sewin mechine fur doin dat, too. Trowsers
den used to be made by hand, but now dey gis stick a piece
ob clolf in a mechine and turn a crank, and out cums as
menny reddy made cloze as wood supply an army ob soger
mans. I kin recumleck wen de stage-coach used to kick up
a dust tru de country towns, and blow a fish horn to make
de children git out ob de way ; but now de old mity steam
bullgine cums rattlin fru dese places in iron harness, a
snortin like old Belzebub when he's arter an Alderman.
Ebery ting seems turned upside doun. Eben de ladies
slebes, fur dey used to wear dem big at de shoulder and
mity tight at de hand, now its tight up dar and big at de
rist — and de gemmon hab cut all de tail off ob der coats
and put it in de slebes ob de same, till dey look as ef dey
had der arms in der trowsers.

Folks don't hab to work no more now, de wash board am
done away wid, and all washin am done wid der mechine.
Dere ain't no soap required no more neder ; cloze am washed
wid washin-fluids, and wile de lady ob de house am playin de
forty pianos in de parlor, de washin am bein done by steem
in de kitchen.

Dis is de age ob mechines and new invenshuns. De old
Hoss pistol hab had to gub way to de Colt's revolwer, and de
young fellers am riden ruff shod ober us old cusses, and we
can't do nofin but holler. I heer ob new tings starting up
ebery day, and soon you will see mechines for openin clams
and skinen eels.

More den one haff ob de public offices am turned into
skinen mechines to skin de pepil, and dey do it most 'fectally,
and I speck de nex ting I noe you will hab a mechine to
lectur to you ebery week in place ob me, kase you tink it
will work fur less wages. I tink it needs a mechine ob sum

OLD TIMES AND NEW.

253

kind to furnish lecturs fresh and origiual ebery week, fur I
feel dis old tiakin apperatus in my nolege box almoss worn
out, and putty soon it must be laid up wid de ress ob de old
lumber — but wile I is able to wag my tongue, you shall heer
de trufFs ob siance as strait as a crowbar, and as solid as a
drunkard's oath. Mechines am not always found to be good
— sumbody wus fool 'nuff to construck one dat wood clean
de treets in no time, afore de sun rubbed de dust out ob he
eyes in de mornin, but it wus soon scubbered dat it woodent
do, bekase it coodeut wote, and it wus cast aside like a milky
potater. What a blessin it wood be ef sum kute Yankee
wood inwent a mechine fur xtractin lies out ob newspapers,
and currupshun out ob de politishuns, and at de same time
inject a Kttle charity into de harts ob all misers and fanat-
icks, but sich hallelujah times as dem will nebber cum wile
dis old sheep's head ob mine am bleating on arf — but de
time will cum, you rebelous scorpians, when mankind will be
looked 'pon as bein as good as ennybody, and womankind a
good deal better. Deu de belignent wings ob siance will
sore above de equinotaU line ob bliss, and all creashun stand
agap and gaze in putrified amazement on genus and human
natur. Whoeber libs to see dat day, will find dat siance
will still march magestickly on, like a lazy darkey to de cot-
ten field — all de fundimental equilibrum will be consentra-
ted in one wast epox or small pox, it won't make enny
difference which, and de shout ob wictory will go forth like
de sound ob a woman's tongue in mobin-time.

Wid dese reflecshuns I send round de sasser by Brudder
Emanuel Laber Johnson, and I hope you won't be so cussed
stingy as you wus lass week. Dere wusn't nuff to buy a pit
ticket in de Sirous.

BLACK UIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXVIII.

some account of jersey.

Well Frens —

Heke I is agin, cum back anudder time, and I will
keep a cumin back, like a fly to a sore shin in summer time,
till I beat suspectability into you, or take de last shilling
you got. I ain't got much to say to you dis time, derefore
it won't take me more dan a week to say it — but wat I
got to spit out, am de truff, so I don't car who nose it. I'm
as independent as an Irish woter on Lexsliun Day, and as
impudent as a lawyer to a shemale witness. I'm as sas.sy as
a bumble bee, and I feel as big as an oberfed bullefant. I'm
a gwane to talk strait fours to you, kase I like to do it.
All de world, inkludin Europe, am readin my lecturs — de
newspapers steel em, de pepil read 'em, and de ue.^ ting you
hear will be dat sumbody cum to steel me. Gosh ability,
dey'd cotch a tarter emetic of dey do — dey'd better luff me
alone, for ef I once begin to shake myseff into axshn, you
will heer ob frequent arfquakes, and sumbody been gulliped
up. I noe a ting or two, dat ain't bin sed in Congress yet,
and probably neber will.

When I went to Washington to see Massa Pierce 'aug-
erated by de poletishuns, I was a little frisrhtened wen I
heerd dat I had to go frn Jersy, kase I dident noe what
mite happen to me when once out ob de jurydicshun ob dc
United States of Hail Columbia. I always understood dat
it wus a wild regeon, and d« pepil only hafif sibilized, dere-

SOME ACCOUNT OP JERSEY. 255

fore I took pertickler 'tenshuii ob de uatifs, and I belcbe I've
bill inoss buaufuily sucke>l in, fur in all da towns I wus jiirked
tvn by de old he locosmoker, I seed dem a standin ou de
platforms ob de car house, chawiii tevbacker, and inside I
seed dem drinkin rum ; so you see dey am sibilized gis a.s well
as you Yorkers. I specked to see dem dressed to deif iu tree
cents worf ob red paint and a tommyliawk, and de wimon in
ear-ringSj nose rings, and a string ob beeds, like de ingin
folks, bnt no 1 dey hab five-dollar suits on all round. It
seemed frura de way dere cloze fit dem, dat dey all muss
sleep in one mity big room, "and all xchange cloze ebery-
mornin, fur I didcut see one dat dident look as if he wore his
close fru compulshuu, and not frum choise. De boys all
had on der daddy's coats, and der daddys all 'peared to hab
on de boys trowserloons. I'm sassagefied dat de musshuna-
ries hab bin sent 'mong dem, kase I heard one ob de natibs
sware kase anudder gis happen to let a barrel ob pork
rool on he foot and skuash it a little.

I was berry anxious to find out all I cood 'bout de koun-
try while I was in it, and once when de rail-rode stop^ I
stick my head out ob de depot, and I ax a feller in cow skin
boots, which boots wus up to de middle ob de leg in mud,
dese questions, and got des'e ansers —
- " Wat kountry am dis ?"

" Tain't no kountry— ^it's Jersey."

" Wat's de produxshuu ob de sile ?"

" Red mud, rail-rodes, iugin-rubber shoes, jack-asses, and
State-Prisons."

" Why what do you lib on ?"

" Salt mackerel, and orders on de store — aumtimes on
dams, at eighteen pence a hundred."

" Don't you hab no beef, nor no butter, no noffin ?."

" Yes, we git plenty ob de last artickle, and we git beef

256

BLACK DIAMONDS.

in hog-kilin time. We eat Jard and salt far butter — dat
cussed New York takes all our butter. We supply it wid
Orange Kounty milk and butter, and grub 'long de best way
we kin.'' •

" Weil, don't you raise nofin in de ground ?"

" Oh, yes ! pavin stones, ledder chips, and clam shells."

" Oh, you must tab odder tings besides dese, or else you
coodent lib. Can't you tink ob nofEn else you raise
here ?"

" Oh, yes, plenty. Feber and ager, patent medicines, con-
sumpshun, bad colds, malisha trainins, and now and den a
fite."

" Don't de folks neber marry here ?"

" Oh, yes, sebrel married lass year, and two poor-houses
hab been bilt dis season."

I wus gis gwane to ax him his name, wen de old'iron hoss
gub a snort and set us a flyin, but I seed a row ob yeller teef
a grinnin at me as far as I cood see de man.

Notwidstandin all dis, my frens, I tink Jersey a fust rate
place fur a poor man to die in. Dat feller wus a sour cuss,
and I heerd afterwards, frum one ob de nabors, who got in
de car while I wus spokein to him out ob de winder, dat he
wus so sour, dat de folks sent fur him fur miles 'round, to cum
and look in der pickel barrel, as his expreshun wood act on
dem better den winegar. He wus christened wid winegar,
fed on green grapes and crab apples, drank nofin but lemon
juice and sour sider all his life, and neber cum near enny-
body widout gubbin dem a stomjack-ake. I speck de reson
I dident cotch it, wus bekase, like moss folks dat trabel
much, I wus well fortified wid gingerbred all 'bout my cloze.
Dats all I cood find out 'bout Jersey by passin fru, and I
tort I'd tell yon 'bout it. Sum folks on de odder side ob de
big pond hab written a hole book on de institnshuns ob de

SPMNCf TIME.

251

kountry, de habits and manners ob de pepil, and neber seed
no more ob it dan I did ob Jersey. So I only follow in de
beaten paffs (beaten as solid as de paff frum de back door
ob a circus, to de nearest rum shop) ob my lushus preceed-
in successors.

Will Brudder LaFayette Bobson Rusher pleese pass
round de useal sasser, and look out always fur bad coppers.

LECTTJRE LXXIX.

SPRING TIME.

Suspicious Filibusters —

I TOLD you lass week 'bout my habin-de runiaticks,
and I is now as full ob pains as a big church window, but I
speck to recubbef de use of my appetite and drinkatite as
soon as de lubly spring am opened like a huge oyster, by de
warm rays ob de glorious old sun. I don't belebe dar' am
ennyting dat will cure de old rumatism — aldo a furiner on
fuss landin 'mong us, wood judge, by readin de newspapers,
dat we hab gis bin de sickest nashun on de arf, and all hab
gis got cured, and was so glad dat dey put it in de news-
papers, to luff dere frens noe dat dey am once more seeable.
On de odder hand, a green furiner wood 'spose, frum readin
de advertisements ob de quack-doctors (and all de doctors
am quack-doctors), dat all de community was in a drefful
state of sickness, and didn't noe wat to do fur demseff, and
dat sum beneblent pusson wus pubhshin a newspaper gis to
tell dem whar to cum and git cured at once, and so end de

258 BLACK DIAMONDS.

/

matter. Surntiraes de sickness am ended, and snmtimes de
pasheiit, which am all de same, a hundred years friiui now.

In old times, in Spain and France — two countries away
off furder den New Orleans — it used to be de custom fur de
quack-doctors to ride on a he Jack-ass, and hab a man to
blow a horn. When de horn was blowd in de market place,
de pepil serable round de ass and de doctor, and den he
wood open he box, like de soap man on de team tates, and
sell his stuffs, and de pepil at de same time — but now it am
different. De quack-doctor uses de newspaper insted ob de
Ass, and de editors dereof do de blowin. De man on do
Ass used to colleck pennies and shillins, but de man dat
rides on news]>aper popularity, collecks dollars insted, and
all dis am owein to de 'provement ob de times, and de news
received daily frum de spiritual world.

We am now in de happy spring time, in de seson ob tem-
tashun, fur I belebe it war in de spring timeob de world
dat mudder Bbe temted farder Adam ; but you fellers dat
lib in de city don't noe nufBn 'bout de beniue influenza ob
de lubly spring. Ef you want to feel de spring in your
nostrils, and wish to kick up like a young colt in a clober lot
or be as sportive as a pig jis broke out ob he pen, you muss
go to de kountry which God made wid he ow-n hans, and
git away frum de brick and mortar cities, which dat animal
man projected, erected, and bilt fur heseff. Howbeauful
am all tings in de kountry ob a spring mornin. Den yon
har de lubly singin ob de cows, de sweet ba-ah ob de sheep,
and de lowin ob sweet little birds as dey jump frum lim to
lim, cotchin de dear little innocent worms, dat hab foolishly
got up afore de birds. Den it am dat de sheep and calves
grow frisky, and cut up all sorts ob jimnastys on de hill side,
in de warm moonshine.

De'Eun by dis time hab laffed old Vi'lnter in de face so

SraiNG TIMII. 259

long, dat he had to open his icy teef and let de brooks once
more go on dere way rejoicein, and off dey run a babbling up
and doun like stocks iu Wall street. All natnr seems to
hab gis taken out a new leace of life, and feels pertickprly
fine on de 'caishun. De roseys will soon be dere now, and
de perfume ob de flowers, de grass, and de cow-yard, will
gib liealf and sassagefacshun to dose who choose to seek it.
Talk^bout your black swans, — why you can heer plenty ob
dem 'bout milkin time, ob a spring mornin, in a kountry
cow-yard. Yes, indeed, it wus in a morantic spot like dis
dat I fnss herd dat sole-stirring melody ob " Jinny get your
hoe cake done." 1 shall neber forgit dat scene as long as I
tiuk ob it.

Dere wus massa jawin,
De cow wus a chawin,
De boss wus a pawin,
Do rooster wus a cawin,
De old Jack-ass wus a brawia, — '
De pigs and sheep a playin,
Jemima wus a sin gin,
I wus on de gate a swingin,
And I wish [ may be davn,
Ef I tort it enny harm —
But de old man got a stick,
And fotcli me sicli a lick,
Dat he made me scrach and kick,
— And I smart fur alraoss a week.

But dem days am gone now. I muss stay heer in dis sity
fur bread and butter. De spring am bery different here.
Insted ob smellin roses, you small bed-bugs and dirty streets.
All de fresliuess you git am frum de lime pail. Insted ob
green grass to walk "pon, you hab wet floors, and de only
music you heer am de wiraon^scoldin, and de carman a swaria
whilst he am a smashia your tings when mobin dem. Dust

260 BLACK DIAMONDS.

fills your eyes, nose, and mouf, in de day time — and smoke
frum baMiin up old straw beds at night. So you see de
difference and de odds atwene de sity and de kountry in de
spring. I don't noe dat you fellers notice dese tings as much
as me, kase when a feller am under de wedder, he am reddy
to find fault wid eberyting in life, frum de high price ob
putty doun to a toof-pick.

Dats air you'll git out ob me to-night. And you may
put in as much or as little as you like whea long Oudgo
passes round de sasser.

LECTURE LXXX.

FIRST OF MAY IN NEW TOEK.

Dee hab bin' a high gittin up-stairs since I hab seen
you lass week. All New York hab turned itself inside out
like one ob dem kowloskopes. May-be you don't noe what
a kowloskopes is. Den I hab to stop and tell you. A
kowloskopes is a haff sivlized spy-glass. Tou look in at de
bung hole, and turn him roand, and de hole lot ob red, yeller,
and blue jokers inside, turn .demseffs inside out like de ingin-
rubber man in de Museum, and change places ebery time it
turns. Tou muss be bery earful while lookin tru it, kase it
mite make you dizzy heded, and go off and spill itself.
Ebery year New York turns round like a kowloskope, and de
joker change places sumtimes fur betterer, sumtimes fur
worserer. Ob corse de time fur doin dis in New York is de
first ob May — den eberybody mobes fur seberal 'days before
de time. De gentlemen is mobin round to git up de rent — de

FIRST OF MAY IN NEW YORK. 261

womens mobin round to pack up de tings, git a house, and-
BO-forth, and so on. It is in dese times dat de kolored man
always blesses de feller dat inwented de art ob white-washin
— its de only time in de yeer when he kan be sassy as he
like — dis am de time, when, ef he spats de lime all ober do
furniture, and de lady yells out to him and shows him what
he had done, he kan look round wid 'pnnity, and tell her to
git a rag and a little greece, and rub it off to suit
herseff.

Dis am de season fur slaughter 'mong de bed-bugs, and de
mice, and de rats — and it is in fact de season when de kol-
ored populashun am to be respected in dar rites. Mobin day
always wus de Forth ob July in New York fur de kolored
people, and ef dey do smash and break tings, de gemmons
tinks it don't make no difference, kase de kolored folks am
worth nothin, and dey can't get noffin frum dem — derefore I
say unto you, blessed am dey dat ain't not got no furniture
fur dey got little to get smashed in mobin ; blessed am dem
dat am too poor to hire a house, fur den dey got no rent to
pay ; blessed am dey dat lib in one room, fur den dey ain't
got de whole house to look arter ; blessed am dey dat ain't
got nothin to eat, fur dej won't be J;roubled wid de dyspep-
tic ; blessed am de poor in pocket, fur dey ain't troubled wid
Sndren and State money ; and blessed am de sick, wid
ennyting but rnmaticks, fur dey git all de swee|;meats. Dis
is . de season when de little birds mate, and de crows get
married, and so does de elemphant. It am de time fur going
into partnership generally.

Talking of partnership, brings to my mind sumting dat I
kan't tink of ; and while its in my recoUecshun box, I'll jist
tell it to you — its a story, and mite be called a nanedote.
It happened when de kountry ob Jersey wasent bigger den
a cow-yard, and de great big churches what you got now,

262 BLACK DIAMONDS.

wasent bigger dan a lien-coop ; in fact, de kountry wus bery
young.

About de time menshmied in de lass clause, dere libed
two old kolored men, one was named Siniou Strong (who
de folks used to call Strong SimOti fur shortness), de odder's
name wus Ben, his name wood hah bin Franklyn, but dey
dident noe how to spell it — derefore, because de schoolmas-
ter wusn't abroad, he was robbed of he best name.

Dese two old darkies went into partnership one May
mornin, in de wood chopin business. Dey got along fuss
rate fur more dan a week, biit dere wus a suckemstance dat
took jilace wliich cojapsed de firm. Old Simon Strong had
a great fashion ob gnintin, wliencver he was cliopin wood,
he always guy a grunt like an old hog disturbed in a mud
hole — dis use to make Ben laff, and he sed to him —

" Simon, what makes yuu grunt so ebery time you hit de
wood ?"

" Ah !" said Simon, leaning on he axe handle, " dat am a
great mark ob stronf, Ben. When Goliah carried away de
gates ob Jordon, ho was herd to grunt sixty miles round"

" Well," • says Ben, '' I tink you can strike jis as hard a
blow widont gruntin, as you kan wid gruntin."

" I noe better," says Simon, " fur I hab tride it."

" Well, I'll tell you what I'll do wid you," says Ben, " I'll
bet you free cents dat you kan chop up haff a cord ob wpod
as quick, and let me do de gruntin, as if you grunted
yourself."

" Well," says Simon, " I'll take dat bet — How long does
it ginerally take you to chop half a cord ?" axed Simon.

" About half a day."

Well, de nex mornin, Simon commenced to cut de wood,
wile Ben sat on a log and done de gruntin — it took him all
day till snn-down to chop de haff cord, and ob corse wun de

FIKST OF MAT IN' NEW TOKK. " 263

'wager. Now c'e troabble commenced in de firm — when
Saturday nite cum, Simon wooJeiit pay Ben he share far
cuttin de wood, because he said lie dident do aothin toward.^
it, but jis sat on a log all day and grunt. Dis make Ben
bery mad, and on Monday mornin' he went and lade he
complaint before de door ob a Dutch Justice. De Justice
listen to de complaint in all de specktacles and morning
gown what he had. He sed he wood prosecute Simon fur
bigimy, and send a konstable wid a suspician after him ; and
after hearin de case, he wanted free weeks to gib a division
ob de case. Dnrin dese free weeks, Simon and Ben wns
lookin black at each odder, makin snoots and shakin fists at
deraseffs, wen^ber dey met. By-and-by de day cum for de
division, and Squire Tunderbighed's cort-room in he kitchen
wus filled wid spec-tators and a few rotton punkius. Wen
de hour arrived, de Justice came in frum de cow yard, coh-
ered wid dirt and dignity — de fuss wurd he axed wen he sat
down wus :

" How much you got for shopin de wood ?"

" Twenty-five cents," says Simon.

" Shilence !" sed de Justice, " dat is all I vant to noes."

Den he took twenty-five pennies out ob he pocket, and he
tell Simon to cum on wuu side and Ben on de odder ; den
he stand up, den he take wun ob de pennies and jingle it on
de table, and he say to Ben —

" Ben, did you heer dat jingle ?"
~ " Yes, sah !" said Ben.

" Veil, den," says de Justice, " you Han lake de jingle and
gib Simon de monish."

And so he went on wid all de pennies, gnbbin Ben do
sound only ; den de cort adjourned, and tread on a cat's tail,
and you can do de same widout treadin on anybody's tail.

264

BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXXI.

ABSENT MINDED.

OUTDASAUS SCOBPIANS

As I rise dis nite, and look round me on all sides,
and see sich a inosent looking ilock ob black sheep, it almoss
makes me tink dat butter woodent melt in your big mouffs,
and ef I dident noe better, I wood tink dat you war all red-
dy to ockepy and entitled to take a frunt seat in hebbin,
but you cant pull de wool ober my eyes. I noe you all like
a pictur book. You kant fool me no how you kan fix it.
You may hang your under lip like a mudderless colt, till it
touches your westcotes, and shed krockerdile tears big as
gooseberrys, but for all dat, yon kant fool your time wid
me.

You all tort, no dout, dat de diabolical trick you sarbed
me last week wus sumfin to laflf at, and I speck you all did
laff in your shirt slebes, to tink how you fooled your poor
old and moss worn-out shepherd. Now gis look at all your
eyes — sum ob dem am big round as sassers wid hipockracy.
You am all tryin your bess to make me tink you don't noe
what I am talking 'bout, but you all do, well 'nuff, and de
more shame fur you, you stingy back-slidin niggers. You
am niggars, kase you act like niggers lass lecture nite.

I went home gis de same as ef nofin happend — wid a lite
hart, noein dat I'd done my duty, and neber tort ob nofin.
Next day I got up by de brake ob day, " my useal custom
in de arternoon," as Massa Gimblet, de Prince ob Dunkirk,

ABSENT MINDED. 265

says, and as I was agwane to walk out, I felt like takin a
useal chaw ob 'bacco, and sure nuff I dident hab none, I put
my hand in my odder trowsers pocket to git free cents to pay
fur a paper — -not a newspaper, but a paper ob 'bacco, and
sure 'nuff I dident hab enny, not pnly gis one cent. I node
my money wasent in my udder close, kase I hadent no odder
close fur de money to be in, derefore I wus sure on dat pint.
I rushed back to de seller and axed Anty Clawson ef I had
pade my bord fur de week, and sure 'nuff, she told me, " no
indeed," and she wus a wonderin how I cum to go out de
mormn arter lecture nite, afore I gub it to her, as I generly
do.

" Well, den, by golly," sed I, " I've bin robbed, fur I
ain't got de fust red cent to my name."

" Oh, come now," sed she, " you am too old to 'tempt
enny sich niggerism as dat, at your time ob life, and I am
too old to be fooled by enny sich stories as dat. Bf you
hab fooled away de money, why don't you say so, and- not
try to lie out ob it. I tort you cum in late lass nite, but I
dident say nofln, and I woodent hab sed nofin ef you hadent
a tryed to cum dat old niggerism, dat old loossin game, ober
me, gis at quarter day, too."

Well, dis harrang frum Anty Clawson made me mity mad,
and I pitched into her at a rate ob forty hoss power. I
axed her ef I dident always pay my bord and washin on de
square — and she committed de fac. Well, den, I told her
I'd lebe de house, and mobe my skunkto skunktorum to sum
odder house ob more kindly influence.

Den she told him to clar out, dat I had'so menny wench-
es runnin dere, dat it wus a nuisance,

Dat remark fixed my firmness in a resolution, and I made
up my mind at once to trabej — so I packed up ■ all my tings
in a market-basket, and me and a black man toted dem to

12

266 BLACK DIAMONDS.

my new home, at sister Plorinda Lutts, m de rear, third
story, back room.

De fuss nite I sleep in my new bed, I coodent sleep at all,
fur tinkin whar 'bouts my money cood hab gone to — when
all at once de fac flash on my mind like a steel trap, dat I
dident take up no coUecshun lass week at all, and derefore I
nebher had de money.

Now ain't you a putty set ob scorpians, not to tell me
'bout it, when you seed dat I wus so karried away wid de
buty ob my discorse, dat I forgit it. Hadent I orto git a
big club and cum and pound sum ob you on de coco-nut till
I beat charity into your heds — ^but I'll fix you, I won't
lecture a bit to nite, and you got to take up a doable
koUecshun on dis caishun, or else_I don't cum next week.
I'd radder sell clam-soup atwene two tin kittles and an
ox yoke dan to be treated in dis way. Odder congrega-
shuns buy dere shepherds a pasnips (dats a house to lib in),
but' I'll nebber git a pasnip widout I go away off doun on
Long Island Seagut Shore, to de willage ob Loafland, whar
homesteds am sold fur fibe dollars, payable two shillirigs a
week to de carier. I'll go and look at dis place, and see
what kind ob a lot and home I kan git fnr fibe dollars, and
den Anty Clawson, and all de rest ob de landlords may go
to de Mormons.

Mr. Junius Brutus Witehed will please pass round a
sasser in each hand, and he will do me de kindness to 'port
de name ob ebery Brudder and Sister dat don't chip up,
kase I gis want to noe who am who on dis singeler caishun.

FLAT TRUTHS. 267

LECTURE

flat truths.

Ckusadin Mortals —

I HAB bin ladder eratic ia my. lecturs ob late, but
dats none ob your bizness, and dats de reason I 'pologize to
you. May be sum ob you don't noe de meanin ob de word
eratic, derefore I stop on my way, like a milkman in de morn-
in, and 'splain it to your uaderstandin. Eratic meens to fly
off de handle. It am. a Greek word, and c«m pber here
wid de Irish in an emigrant ship 'mong de rats. Ef you
look back fur de lass few weeks, you will see dat I hab bin
flyin off de handle ; and insted ob my gubbin you Simon
pure siance, I hab bin gubbin you a kind ob discourse ob my
pussonal mobements ; but dis ebening I trust to be more
siantific den eber, and git a collecshun 'cordinly.

You will find de words dat susspire me dis ebenin, in de
Sam book, 29f page, fust claws ob de forty-toof werse — 19f
page forty-toof werse.

" Whip de debil round de stump,
Ebery crack will make him jump !
Glory, glory, glory."

What a blessed maginashnn de poet dat penned dese
lines muss hab had. De reder ob dem kan almoss see old
Jimmy Squarfoot a rushin round a stump, closely followed
by a fellow wid a sharp stick. But, my frens, you musent
belebe all dat de pc^t say, or else you git in a Lunitic Hos-

268 BLACK DIAMONDS.

pital afore you noe it. You derefore muss not belebe dat
de ole he belzebub am green 'nuff to luff ennybody whip him
pussonally round a stump. De ting am empossible, fur ef
he wus to gis hit his pussuer wid de tip ob he tai!, eh 1 eh I
he'd be a gone coon quicker den a snake could swaller a
wood-chuck.

I shall diwide my subjick in free parts — fustly we cum to
de whip and de stump.

Secondly we cum to de jump.

Firdly we cum to glory.

Fustly, den, I tell you plainly dere am a good menny
ways ob whippin de debil round de stump. De desire to
hit him a crack and make him jump, animate de brest ob all
de human family, and eberybody am human family.

Sum church'people whip him in a good menny ways. Dey
am doun on de freaters, bekase dey say dey am de debil's
skool ; but dese berry folks will take a front seat in de sa-
loon in de Museum or at Niblo's Grarden. Dey'd patronize
de Serkis, and go to see dat big beast, de Hippodrome, wid-
out de least cumpunkshuns of konshunce, and dats one way
to whip de debil round de stump — not dat I consider dese
places sinful to wisit, put bekase I noe one freater to be gis
de same as de todder one. De miser whips de debil round
de stump all he life — he grinds de face ob de poor to hord
up he nasty gold, and den he change off wid he lowness in de
end, and de debil whip him round in de odder world. De
sinner tinks he am berry cunnin, and am whippin him round
at a great rate, and keep him a hurryin up he kakes all de
time — but in dis case de fun ob it am, de foot am on de od-
der boot, fur he am lashin dem like blazes all de time.
Sum folks tink dey can cheat and lie in bizness and make
stacks ob money, and den whip de debil round de stump by
gubbin a large donashun to do Track Society, and git der

FLAT TRUTHS. 269

name in de newspapers — but you'll see when your time cums,
who'll git made to fly round on dese stumps.

I don't want you to tink dat I got any sympafy fur old
horns and tail, kase I arn't. I wish sumbody would gub
hini a lickin, kase he deserves it, as I told a white
brudder de odder day in de 'treet.

De brudder cum up to me and shook hans, and sed he,
" Professor, I hab read ebery one ob your lectursin de Pic-
ayune fur de lass two years and ober, and it really leats de
debil how you kan keep dem up so characteristic and
fresh.''

I dident noe 'zackly what he meant, but I told him I was
bery anxious to beat dat feller, and wood do it wid a club ef
I cood, and den he laf at me. But I tell ^ou what, frens, I
'tend to beat him in de end ef possible. I noe he am arter
me like he am arter all de rest ob you, but I hope to dis-
tance him at de end ob de race ob life, and de way I'm
gwine to do it am dis^ — you kan all follow suit and git ahead
ob me in de game ef you like. I am goin to be so good and
charitaUe to my nabor, dat old Squarfoot won't keep cum-
pany wid me. He hates good folks, and ef I kan get a
chance to lam him, ef I don't I hope I won't get fifty cents
in de sasser to-nite.

Secondly — We cum to de crack and de jump, and I don't
noe as I got much to' say on dat pint! It am only a 'spres-
sion ob de poet to gub force to de figure, but ef. ever I git
a crack at him wid a raw-hide, he'U see stars. I'll bet de
new straw hat and summer cloze what I speck you will gub
me dis week, aginst dese old forlorn rags dat I got on now,
dat I'll make him jump till he'd tink Hallumlujah day had
cum for sartin, and he'd got to lebe.

Pirdly — We cum to glory, and dere I tink I had better
lebe you. Chaw ober what I hab sed to you. It will bare

270 BLACK DIAMONDS

tinkin ob afore goin to sleep — put all you can spare in de
sasser and go home wid a lite hart and pocket.

Dis room wants white-washin and scrubbin, and muss be
done, Derefore I pint Brudder Sam Scofeld, Brudder Bras-
tus B. Arlington Lutts, Brudder George Washington
Franklin Peters, Sister Pecilla Jemima Johnson, and Sister
Ann Amelia Sarah Mariah Tuffs, as a kommittee on de
hole, to see it done. Extry kolleckshun will be taken fur
lime and soap.

Brudder John Tattlefat will pleese pass round de sasser,
and see dat no bad money am rung in dis time.

LECTURE LXXXIII.

juleous' ima of the hippodrome.

Sheep ob mt Fold —

De subjeck dat calls aloud for 'splanation dis ebenin,
am one ob de most 'portant dat hab seized de intelect for a
monff ob Sundays, and may be considered in de higher walks
ob siance. I hab spent more time in lookin in de gogrofy
and picture books to find out 'bout him den his bed's worf.
I dont noe zackly what book to tell you to look for de tex
in, kase I nebber seed de animal in enny ob de books I hunt
for him ; but I gess he am in Gold Smith's Anamatin His-
tory ob de United States. De anamale I shall 'tempt to
lucidate dis ebenin hab been a kicken up considerable ob a

JULKOns' IDIA OF THE HIPPODROME, 271

dnst, ob late, in dis town, and I tink it am hie time dat I
curried him down a little. De animale 'luded to am.

DE HIPPODKOME.

From all I hear 'bout dis beast, he must be a bully ob a
animale. He am related on he mudder's side to de Drome
famUy, and kinsequancely de Drome edary and de Bas-drum
claim him as a member ob dere family. On he fadder's side
he am related to de Hips. He am fust cusin to de Hip-
popotamus, and brudder to de Hipocondrick, as nie as I can
find o|it. I cant berry well 'splain his 'pearance to you,
kase I nebber seed him alive, nor, as I just now sed, cood I
find his dogsearotype likeness in enny ob de picture books
or almanack, and I hab looked obber more dan a hundred
to find it, and set up amoss all nite a doin it. I hab seed ■
de house dat he libs in dough, and I declar to you it am
big as a norf ribber steembote. I was detarmand to see
him, so dat I cood 'splain all de pints to you, and derefore,
wid dat ontent, I went up to his house and ax de man at
de doe if I cood go in and see de beast. " We got no
place for colourd pepil in de house, and besides you'd only
git fritened," sed de man. Derefore I had to go way, but
my useal first for nolege woodent be fooled dat way, so I
went round to de back door and peep in de crack at de side,
and dere I seed wonders. On one side stood a kitten Elem-
fiut — dat you noe am a young Elemfint — 'bout de size ob a
hepe ob hair trunks. He was a eatin hay wid his nose or
trunk, and while I was a lookin at him roll it up and stretch
it out, like an Ingin rubber hose, I tort he'd make a fuss rate
lawyer, kass he cood stick his nose so fur in odder folk's
, biziness. At, fust I was puzzled to noe which was his frant
or rear, kase at fust site I tort he had two tails, one at boff
ends. I belebe dey stuff all de Elemfints wid hay while dey

212

BLACK DIAMONDS.

lib and arter dey am ded, kase de one dey got,in de Museum
am stuffed wid it till you kin see it a stickin out ob de skin.
On de odder side stood a Camel, and dis poor feller bad met
wid 'de same axedent dat befel de odder ope I seed in de
animale show. He too hab had he back broke in two
places, and nebber got it in shape agin. Dere am no noein
zackly bow dese fellers all git dere backs broke in dis way,
but I 'spect. its done in dere 'tempts to git fru de eye ob a
needle. He looked in de &ce as if he fretted a good deal
'bout it. He looked almost broken-hearted, and stood
chawin on his troubbles. He was tied wid a rope to a post,
and he had tryde to git away till he had stretched his neck
as long as a president's message. 1 nebber seed a Camel in
his youth; dey all seem at least a hundred years old afore I
see 'em, derefore I cant say much for de beauty ob dere
countenance. While I was lookin in at him, and wonderin
where human nature cood hab got de mould to run sich a
feller in, a whole lot ob French gemmon come out ob de
show shop into de place whar I was a lookin, on hoss-back.
Dey war dressed up rale putty in Jockey caps and .red and
yeller coats and trowsers, and dey war berry polite to one
a nudder, a bowin der heds and jabbern French like Satan,
talkin 'bout Louis Nincompoop or Napolion, I dont noe
which. Presently one ob dem seed me a lookin at him froo
de crack, and I friteend him so he screemed like a pig wid a
sore foot, and showed his beef all round. Dis fa,ct drew de
'tention ob de man dat was tending to de critters, and he
sung out to me, " Clar out, you ole darkey, and let dem
Monkeys alone. He gub me sich a strong inwite to lebe,.
dat I tort it best to muzzle. Just as I turned to go, dey
let out some ob de funny est Gooses I ebber seed — dey was
histed on legs dat wood make a Broadway dandy break his
heart wid envy, during de rage ob tight pants. Dey steped

JULEOUS' IDIA OP THE HIPPODROME. 213

out as graceful as an old cogger wid de gout on all his toes
and de rumatlcks in he 'nees. Dey was sieb high-falutin
fellers dat I ax a man dat come out ob de gate, what dey
was named, and he told me Oyster horses. I speck de rea-
sion dat dey call dem dat, am bekase dey use dem to tred in
high water to sound de bottom for Oysters. I cant tink ob
enny udder reason. Seeih dat de man was so comunicatif, I
ax him if de ole he big Hippodrome was in dar now. He
sed yes, and dat ebbery time de ferry bell ring he started
on ajace wid some kind ob. animale, edder de Elemfinti de
Camel, de Charriots, or some odder critter. I ax him what
dey fed him on, and he sed, Silver dollar bills, half dollars,
and quarter dollars, and dey feed him twice a day ; in de
arternoon and in de ebenin. Dats all I hab found out 'bout
de Hippodrome as yet. If I find out enny more I'Jl let you
noe. I'm bound to see him, if I hab to whitewash my face
and hands and play wite man, to git in.

Dem summer clofe what I specked lass week didn't come
yet,' but I spose you tink dese I got bein full ob holes, am
cool nuff, kase dey am open worked. I shall speck new
thin clofes notwithstandin ncbber de less.

Will Brudder Dove Plimkins please pass de useal sasser
round, and be kerefull to give back no change. De brudder
dat put de tin sixpence in lass week, will find it a waitin to
be redeemd by a good one on de corner ob my nostrum.

12*

274

BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXXIV.

summer morning musings.

Bruddeeen

Milk-warm spring, wid al! its stragglin buds and
newly leabed trees, hab gone on its journey round the
world to coax open de icy jaws ob old wite bearded winter
in odder parts, and Miss June, wid big blue eyes and flower
clustered bed, hab cum along as smiling as a young school-
boy wid free bright cents, on de way to de kake shop.
Moss ob de trees dat blush in red and scarlet at de depar-
ture ob May, hab thrown off dere gay and blushin blossonis,
and seem to hab set to work in still arnist to see what dey
can do fur us poor dependant mortals by harbest time. De
peach, de plumb, de squince, and de apple trees, are all run-
nin a race dis yeer to see who will produce de^moss fruit,
and it am hard to tell yet, which will beat. De cherries hab
got ahead ob demseffs, in tryin to cotch up to de strawber-
ries, and de currants and gooseberries am full tilt after dem
too. De Roses am almost gone — dey seem to hab expend-
ed all their strenf in tryin to perfume de air ; dey hab becura
so week dat dey drop as soon as you 'tempt to gedder dem
off de bush like a lub-sick maiden in her lubber's arms. De
violets coodent stand de warm embraces ob de June sun, and
dey shrunk from it like a torn cat frum a pot ob mustard.
De enamoured kisses ob de warm sun hab cracked de red
and wite cheeks ob de peonys and dey look as lubly as a

SUMMER aORNlN'G MUSINGS. 275

bride at de altar, and by dere side stands de Jonny-jumper
in velvet caps, tryin to sweH up as big as de peony, which
makes de butter-cups laugh at its presumpshun — and de
clober hab to hang its red hed in shame. Bf I was a clober
top, in a geld ob roseys, I'd neber hang my hed, kase I'd
feel dat I wus as useful and as good as my neighbors, ef not
as brilliant. It am not always de moss beauful dat am de
moss useful. It am good to feel humble, and to be humble
sometimes, as de jackass sed when he undertook a race wid
a stage hoss.

Now, my frens, I speck you am all cogitatin in your own
mind, and wonderin, like Balam's ass, when he saw de angel,
how I cood hab found out all de tings I hab bin a spokin to
yon about. Derefore, to sabe your fretted gizzards, I will
tell you — I seed it all myseff. De odder mornin I got up
wid old day-lite, and by de time de morning sun had wash-
ed de faces ob de clouds and took off dere nite caps, so dey
showed dere golden heds, I wus in de kountry, away frum
de dust, week coffee, and cod-fish kakes, ob de mornin in
toun, ^d dere, all alone wid only myseff and human natur
to converse wid, I kept up an argement on de beauties . ob
dis world and de next, and when I looked around and see
how much human natur hab done for dis world to make it
lubly, and to see what a bountious supply ob all de neces-
saries and luxuries ob life he sends to us all — to the wicked
and de good, it makes me mad wid mankind to see dere
stnbborD ungratefulness, and I feel dat ef I wus human
nature^ I'd lather sum ob you like thunder sumtimes. De
chaps dat kan eat de delicious strawberry, and tink only
ob how much dey am worf a basket, or kan cronca doun
de healf-gibin and luscious peach, wid no odder tort den dar
price by de haff peck, am not fit to hab sich tings.

I'd like to lib in de kountry. I tink it am de only exis-

216

BLACK DIAMONDS.

tence God eber intended fur man, or' else he woodent hab
made it so lubly. Dis congregashun was gwane to buy me
a place to lib in, and let me hab a parsnips like all de odder
great professors ob de day, but whar am it I should like to
know ? Ef I was to be blessed wid a home in dis world, its
doors shood neber be closfed aginst de distressed in eder
mind or body. I shood be hostile to a fault. Whateber
Probidence sent me shood be shared wid de sufferin, arter I
got 'naff ob corse. Ah I I wood be happy den. I'd hab
my house surrounded wid a Terapin garden, and de flowers
dat grow on de armor ob my pazaro, shood be irretated by
de water ob de Croton anacdote — dere I'd hab a pentatench
openin in my library, which shood be filled wid sich works
as, Polk's Essences ob Man, Greeley's Theological works oa
erective franchise, and de use ob stamana on de milage
quesshun — Lord Buy-rum's Poems, de Last ob Old Hig-
gins, de Pinter, Ledder Breeches, de Last Days ob Pompy
I, Ducklegs, and odders ob Cedar Cooper's works — Lord-
Bacon on de use ob Salt Pork — De mussings ob Gen. Scott
ober a barrel ob wite beans, and odder standin books. I
shall hab degraded walks atwene a ravanue ob trees for
lemonadein purposes. I hab a perfeck manamonia fur these
tings. And den my table — I'd hab de bess cooks in de
market, one dat cood make turtle-soup out ob Cow-bay
clams, dat wood sute de paliate ob de moss unvenerable
epicacs in de toun, who shood dine wid me ebery day. I'd
hab buckskin handled knives and forks, and my hou^ shood
be de resort ob all de epicacs and conosaws in de country.
I'd hab an open jeruce ef I'd only a jackass to draw it, and
■ I'd hab odder comforts and luxuries as long as de kongre-
gashun will pay for it.

But dis am all burning fluid. I nebber 'speck to hab
enyting ob de kind, but on de odder hand quite the reworse.

SUMMER MORNING M0SINGS. ' 211

r spec to labor here till I die, and den be berried by de
Corporasliun — but it will not be de fast time de Common
Scoundrells got up a blackberrian.

As dere am only haff a quire here dis ebenin, you may
sing de following to de tune ob Old Hunter, and you muss
all go in to swell it, as de old woman sed when she put de
soaked dried apples in de pie-crust —

Our old Tom cat

Hab got so fat,

She can't cotch any mice,

Our fine toof-comb,

Hab gone frum home.

We're ober run wid fureigners ^

Brndder Profile Jarvis will pleese pass 'round de sasser,
and look out fur counterfit gold dollars. Sum nigger tort
he done sumfin lass week when he yaller-washed a free cent
piece, and pertended he put in a gold dollar.

278

BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXXV.

Audacious Scoepians —

I WISH to hab a wurd to say to you 'bout a mity
bad habit dat am bery prebelent 'mong de wite folks, and
I'ze radder afeerd dat sum ob de colored pepil hab kotched
it frum dem by bein ia close contack wid dem. De habit
1 'lude to am de practice ob

Sum folks am born liars, odders pick it up in dere youth,
like a hungry chicken does corn — odders agin lie in de way
ob bizriess, when ennyting am to be made by it^odders lie
to try to make dem 'pear big in de eyes ob men, aad odders
lie bekase dey kan't help it. Dere am scbril kinds ob lieS
— de wite lies used by clergymen, earthly saints, and ladies
— black lies, round lies — and den dere's a kind wat Shake-
speare calls damned lies. Sum folks tink dat de rounder dey
kan lie de smarter dey am, but dey'U git smartered wors
den mustard plaster on a weak back, when old belzebub
gits dem.

Amature fishermen and gunners, indulge in de second
class ob lies bery much. I neber node one yet dat dident
cotch " de biggest fish you eber saw in yourlife, and more
ob dem," in haff a day — and whoeber herd ob an amature
sportsman dat dident kill from fibe to fifty on de wing at
one shot ? I neber did.

A man afflicted wid constitushnnal liein wood as lief take

LYINQ. 219

epicure 'nuff to make dem trow up a good dinner, as speek
de truff. ^ Dares noffin dat hurts dere feelins so much, and
ef de truff slips out by axedent on enyting, dey am misera-
ble all day.

De darkeys hab a great fashun ob liein 'bout porgies and
eels — ef you meet one haff a block frum de market, you
kan't tell no more what dey gub for dere fish, frum de sto-
ries dey tell, den a foolosefer kan tell which way de grain
ob a brick-bat runs wid his eyes shut. Dem darkeys dat
wish to 'pear rich, always pay ail orful price, while dem fel-
lers wliat want to git up a reputashun for bein cute and
smart, always git them fur 'bout nofBn.

I noe dat de wite populashnn teach de kolored pepil to
lie and steel, and dey get putty good pupils mind I tell you.
I will gis narronate what I oberheard atwene two colored
men todder mornin in Broadway, to show you how near de
darkeys hab got to liein.

I wus saunterin along, tryin to make out what kind ob
sole ledder de beef-steak was made ob, dat I had fur break-
fast, when I spied a dandy darkey all dressed up like a
tailor-shop window. He had on dem new kind ob trowsers
wid railroads a runnin all ober dem — and sich a no-tailed
coat and rufBe shirt, wite kids and as hansome a pair ob
moustachers as eber a buck goat cood boast ob. I wus a
takin his mesure in my hed, and seein him strut, like a tur-
key wid de rumatism, when I seed a common lookin darkey
in a check shirt and trowsers, look at him, strike an attitude
like de actor do when dere brudder cums home in de play,
slap his hans togedder, and sing out — " No, it ain't ! kan it
be puzable — yes, it am," and he rushes up to de dandy fel-
ler, and grabbed his hand.

" Why, Simon, am dis you — ^when did you 'ribe ?" sed he,
shakin de wite kid all de time.

280 BLACK DIAMONDS.

De dandy was 'tonished and told l^im to be qff, dat he
dident noe a colored man in de United States — q^nd den he
went on to say dat he was frUm England, and had cum ober
wid his wite wife to see de Crystal Palace show, and had
only bin here free days.

" I nose you bin dareawaitin in a Lord's family," sed de
kommon man, " but I node you afore you went to London.
You went as cook 'bord de ' Sally Ann' — my name am Sara
Hossneck, yours wus Simon Clumson afore you went away
— what's your name now ?"

"Well, I see you noe me," returned de odder. "How
you bin, Sam ? Dey call me at home Lord Fondling, arter
de family I lib wid."

" Well," sed de check shirt, " how does you like de koun-
try, now yon got back ?"

" Oh, I don't like it at all. Dere ain't npfin heah like
we hab at home — nofin on so big, nor on so grand a scale."

" Hab you seen what four thunderin big round harts you
kan git now for a cent — what a quart ob clam-soup fur six-
pence, and what smackin big glasses ob I scream fur free
cents, enywhere 'bout de 'treets. Nofin on a grand scale,
eh ? Well, I like dat, putty much," interrupted Sam.

" Yes, ebery ting heah am cheap and nasty— nofin as de-
fined. You all need polish. You ain't got no parks, nor no
statuary worf menshuning, and den your sogers, I seed dem
4th ob July, and seed dere little foo-foo cannons. Oh,
Sam, ef you want to see sogerin, you muss cum to London.
Dey ain't got a cannon as little as de Yankees, in de hole
free kingdoms."

" How big am London ?" axed Sam.

" 'Bout four hundred times bigger dan New York. And
Sam, dey got a kannon dere dat Daddy Lambert cood crawl
in, and turn round and cum out agin."

LYING. > 281

" Dat's a potty big gua," sed Sam, " but yoa ain't got
no clams dar, nor no watermillions, no mushmillions, no oys-
ters fit to feed pigs on, no hot-corn, nor none ob de odder
luxuries, and besides, dere am a big- gun at de Battery
now twice as big as yours." — Sam's patriotism wus risin.

" How big is de kannon on de Battery ?" axed de Dandy.

" Well, it is so mity big, dat it takes a yoke ob oxen to
draw de ball in," sed Sam gis as ef he wus tellin de truff-—
but his friend seemed to dout it, and tinking to kotch Sam
on de hip, asked him^

" Ef it takes a yoke ob oxen to draw de ball in, how
does de oxen git out ob de gun agin, eh, Sam ?"

" Oh, you want to noe how dey git out?" axed Sam, a
little puzzled. " Well, I'll tell you — dey go out at de touch
Me."

" Well, Sam I gub in — cum and see me at No. — Eliza-
beth street," and so they seperated.

Now which wus de biggest lier ? I'll tell you — ^boff.

My frens, it may be konsidered smart to lie, but I won't
hab none ob it round me. De fus brudder or sister dat I
kotch at it, I'll fine dem two shillias to pay for my ^backer
bill at de seller, and I'll bet dat bill will be paidin less den
tree days.

Brudder Truffnl Danty will nlease take wo de kolleckshun
in de old sasser dis ebenin.

282

BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXXVI.

LABOK IN VAIN.

Belubed Flock —

You am de sheeps and I am de sheperd, derefore
dats settled. Bery well, ef so be dat I am de shep-
erd, wats de reson you poor poluted sinners, dat you
won't do as I tell you ? When I tell you to be good
and charitable, and pint out de paff you muss all take,
if you ever 'speck to be happy, you turn your ugly
mugs up in my face, and tell me dat I arn't as good as I
ort to be myseff, as if dat had ennyting to do wid you. Tou
don't pay me fur actin good all de week. Provedence pays
me fur dat. Tou pay me fur 'lighten your understaudins,
and holdin up de lite ob siance and human knowledge, and
pintin out de paff and de way to happiness. Wat difference
does it make to you, you ungrateful scamps, who holds de
lite, so long as you am able to see de rite paff. But fur all
I keep my arms stretched out, a showin you de rode till I is
wearied aud almost reddy to gub up de job, still none ob
you will make de fust foot-print on de rode, but stop at de
bery commencement, and won't open de gate till dey see
what kind a feller it am dat hold up de lite, so you may find
it easy. Dere am but de one rode. De Medodiffs will tell
you its de dark narrow and crooked rode. De Prespeteri-
ans will tell you. its de same — so will de Episcopaleons, de
Baptists, de Dutch Reformed, and all de rest ob dem. Dere
am no odder rode, but not one ob you will budge an inch.
Dey all agree on de one rode, but dey aiirt sassagefied wid

LABOR IN TAIN. 283

de way de different denominations hold up ne lite. De Med-
odiffs ain't got confidence in de lite ob de Prespeterean,
and de Prespeterean ain't got no confidence in de lite ob de
rest, de rest ain't got no confidence in de odders, and so dey
am at loger beds all de time, all 'round.

Now I tell you once fur all, you muss do as I tell yqu.
Do as I say, not as I do, or I'll beat goodness into you wid
a birch saplin.

I wus axed de odder day while standin on de " seller
door," why I was not more piously inclined, and why
I dident talk piety into you fellers. Well, de hint
■wus new, but I node I mout as well talk piety to
you as to try to persuade a hog to turn from he swill.
And I raly belebe dat a hungry hog wood turn as
quick frum a well filled troff as a hardened sinner wood
turn frum bis sins, or an old toper from his rum. Howsum-
deber, I 'eluded to try it, so I called 'pon old Anty Bensin,
on de way home, and when got seated, wid de usual flour-
ishes, I axed her dis —

" Anty," says I, " does you eber feel piously inclined ?"

"Eh,!" sedshe.

I repeted de quesshun.

" Oh, yes," sed she, " speshely in time ob cherry pie —
dems my favorite pies."

I tryed to 'splaiu de difference to her, but it was no use.
I mout as well hab tryed to blowed de Latting Obseryatory
ober wid a pair ob bellowses. And what more do you noe
'bout it den Anty Bensin ? Why not a bit. You cum here,
and you go to cTiurch, and all de while you am settin a stud-
ian ebbery ting else but religion. Ef dere am a new ribel
at your hotel, den you waiters study how to git money out
ob him. Am dere a fresh lode ob clams cum to de dock,
den you clam merchants am studyin how you kan cheat de

284

BLACK DIAMONDS.

oner out ob sixpence on de bushel. De wite trash am gis
like you, day go to church more to show dere fine close, and
to study how dey kan make a big lick in de way ob trade
fra de week, den to la'rn piety. But den, such am human
natur, and it neber will be altered .till Victora gits anudder
baby, or old Cowshute comes agin.

Will Brudder Lee I. Cole pass de usual sasser round dis
ebenin ? Take nofin but city money, pennies and all.

LECTURE LXXXVII.

flYPOCRACY REBUKED.

Prodigious Prosalites —

In my epic lass week, I luded to de fac dat moss ob
you cum here more fur de purpose ob showin off your good
close den ob hearin de wurd ob your old and loiig suspected
shepherd. In makin dem delushuns, I dident go fur to
tread on nobody's corns in particular, but I ment it as a
gineral ting to ply to eberybody, and to nobody, like sum
sarmons I hab herd frum de pulpit. Derefore, I kan't see,
fur de life ob me, how Long Cndjo cood take defence at my
remarks, and ax me how I wanted folks to set at my lec-
tures, and how I wanted them to dress, &c., which he did
lass lectur nite, on my way home to my wartns bed. He
dident say it in a humble way, as ef he wished to noe, but
he sed it in a sourcastic manner, as ef what I had sed in de
rostrum had cut his corns to de quick, and laid heavy on he
constitushun, or stomjack, I don't noe which. Dere may be
odders here like Cudjo, who felt a radder dose shabe, and

HYPOCRISY REBUKED. 285

derefore I will tell you what I want, and what I don't want.
In de fnss place, I don't want no hipocrits 'mong you, no
how. What's dat Sister Filander Meeker axes ! " Am
hipocrits ennyting to do wid de Hippodrome ?" Ob corse
not; Sister, I blush as much as I can at your ignumrance.
You muss hab been edicated afore de free skools war in
existence, like myseff. I will 'splain. Hipockracy and nig-
garism am de one and de same ting. Its deceit, cut up into
two words fur de use ob spelin books.

I don't want you to cum here wid a face on you as long as
a tar barrel, wid your eyes cast doun lika a feller in debt fur
his bord — and when you cum in, I don't want you take your
seats as ef you whar a hen a gwine to set on eggs, and den
git your hands dufftailed in one anudder, and set your thumbs
agoin, one ober 'de odder, like an agitated water wheel, and
den pretend to be too good fur dis world, and seem to be
only a waitin to go off to de nex as soon as de angel Ga-
brell am reddy fur you. Dats de way sum ob you black
scorpians try to humbug me into de belief dat you hab
'proached sainthood. I hate all dis! When you cum here
I want you cum in clean close. I don't car how poor your
close am, as long as dey am clean. Dere am an excuse fur
poverty, but none fur dirt. Blessed be de Croton ! And
when you cum, bring wid you a smilin face, and as much
small change as is conwenient. Cum in as ef you war glad
to git whar de wurds ob truff am spoken, and not sneeke in
as ef you war doin penence fur sum great sin kommitted.
Set doun in your seats as ef you had a rite to dem. Open
your ears and mouff, and swaller all you hear. Den you
will go away full ob nolege, lighter ob heart, and pocket,
ef you ain't too stingy to chip nofin in de time honored
sassar. Sum pepil tink dat as long as dey go to church
twice on a Sunday, and twice a Sunday nite, dat dey am on

286

BIxACK DIAMONDS.

de sure rode to heben, no matter wedder dey hear or follow
de prescrlpshuns laid doun by de minister or no ; but dats
all rong — when you go to church, swallow all you hear till
you am full ob ortherdockcy. Sumtflnes I see it am dry-
docksy, but what ob dat ? you pay your money, and you hab
de rite to get all you can fur it.

Fifthly— Ef you don't lam now you neber will.

Ninthly — While on dis subjick, I will say a few tings dat
I wood like to be henceforward herearter obsarbed in dis
kongregashua.

Fustly, den — I wood like in future futurity dat Miss
Clementina Lacilia Lumpy and her bow, Mister Romelus
Bolona Erington wood do dere courtin at home. It sets a,
mity bad 'zample 'pen de 'fecshuns ob de young — and eben
me, as old as I am, feel de 'fluence ob de 'zample in de moss
flutanorous manner. Besides, wid de gebomater as high
as it am in dis room, I shood tink dey mite stop a slunkin
up to each odder like a litter ob pigs on a frosty mornin.
I tink sich conduck am oderiferous iji the 'xtreme in a public
ass-emblage. Anudder ting — I tink dat nussin babys had
better be luft at home. 1 don't like to lectur to suckers.
Aldo ,1 go toof and nail agin de use ob de bottle — still, in
dis case, I uphold its use at home, and so ort ebery odder
mudder in de land — but don't put no paddygodic, nor essence
ob peppermint, nor warm gin in it. Wid dese reflecshuus, 1
" dry up " dis ebenin.

De darkey dat laffed out during my lass lectur, was fined
a shillin, and I laid it all out in 'bacco.

Will Brudder Duturoaemy Butts pass 'round de sasser,
and mark dem fellers dat. cum de tree cent piece dodge.

PROFESSOR HANNIBAL SPIRITED AWAT. 287

NO LECTURE THIS WEEK.

PROFESSOR HANNIBAL SPIRITED AWAT.

His congregation in great trouble and confusion — a large re-
ward offered for his recovery — supposed kidnapping case —
READ! READ!! READ!!!

Last night, as usual, we went to hear the scientific
teaching of the learned and distinguished Professor Han-
nibal, and give our readers a full and authentic report, as
we have done fpr the last three years, of all that was said
'and done on each " 'portant 'caishun." When we arrived,
the hall was full in every seat, and it was then time for the
arrival of the Professor. There stood the glass of fresh
water on the desk; the lamps and candles all burned with
unusual brilliancy, but all was still as a country church-
yard. Time flew on, but no Professor came. The hand-
organ struck up a lively tune, accompanied by every foot in
the crowd, and still no Hannibal came. Nine o'clock
struck, and then the congregation became alarmed. Where
can he be ? ran from lip to lip, with the rapidity of lightning,
and black looks were interchanged as one suspected the
other of knowing all about the matter.

Presently, " Brother Erastus Arlington James Madison
Cowsnont," ascended the desk, and thus addressed the
listeners —

Bruddern and Sisters —

It am a clar case, I is afraid, dat our belubed shep-
herd hab strayed frnm he flock. He am clard out, gone

288

BLACK DIAMONDS..

'way, absquatulated mizzled, or bin stolen.- Twenty minutes
arter it was time fur him to be here at he post, I went, me
myseflf, to Anty Clawson's, whar y9u all know he bords, to
see ef he wasent sick or sumfin, and dar I larned de sad
tidins dat he dressed heseff up dis mornin, and went out,
and hadent heen seen sence. He has, so Anty sez, bin
laborin under an abreviashun ob mind lately, and only yis-
terday he bought .a shanghie rooster, as a pet, and wanted
to get a monkey to see ef.he coodont larn it sciauce. Dere
am no noein whar he am gone to, or wedder he went ob his
own accord, or wedder he wus inticed away by some under-
ground rale-rode feller, and karried off to sum odder
kountry.

Fellow citizens. Professor Hannibal am de lass man dat
we kan 'ford to lose frum de ranks ob siance, and I nose he
lubed his flock too well to go off frum dem ob he own free
• will. He cood a done dat long ago, fur I herd old Ben
Longlip tell him myseff dat ef he'd cum to Long Hand,
folks dar wood bild him a log hut all to heseff, and gib him
more wages den he gits.heah — and besides dat, he promised
dat, he shood hab a hoss and cart, so he cood peddle
clams all de week, and make a little sumfin dat way, but
he defused it all, and sed he wus done buildin castles in
de air. Sumfin ort to be done to recober him, or git
dameges frum sumbody.

Here a fat darkey arose, and begged the privilege of
speaking. It was granted. He mounted the desk and
said —

Hanabelonians —

I tink dis meetin ort to take sum axion on dis bereave-
ment, and offer a reward fur his discovery. I hab drawed
up a few revolushuns, which ort to be published in de noose-

PROFESSOR HANNIBAL SPIRITED AWAY. 289

papers. I will read dem. I neber had much edificashnn,
derefore you musent 'spect much^

1st — Resolbed, dat Professor Hannibal hab clard out.

2nd — Resolbed, dat dis kongregashun feels mity bad
'bout it.

3(i — ^Resolbed, dat dis kongregashun will pay to anybody
who will bring him back alive, fibe dollars all at one
time.

4th — Resolbed, dat as he had got a rooster only de day
afore he luft, frum sum onnone pussin, it am feared dat sum
kind ob foul play hab bin agoin on. Derefore, two dollars
will be paid ef he am not alive.

§th — Resolbed, dat a kommittee ob twenty be 'pinted to
search 'bout de markets and in all odder places whar he am
likely to gO; Also, round de Cristile Palace and sich places
whar a thirst fur nolege am likely to take him.

6th — Resolbed, dat we tonsole wid one anudder till we
hear frum him in pussin, and dat we go in black till he
ribes.

DISCRIPnON.

Professor Hannibal is about fifty years ob old, fibe foot
ten inches high, full bosomed across de brest. His har am
wite, and he nose radder flat — ^large ginerous mouff, in
which will be found a cud ob tobacker. He had on when
he went away, a kane wid an ivory top, a pair ob green
specks, a rufled shirt wid a stud in he bosum, a wite west,
gray trousers, and a black cote, wid de buttons in de usual
place. He stoops a little when he holds he head doun, and
is bery fond ob takin to heseff and little children as he walks
'long — and aldo he neber 'specks to be President ob de
tTnited States, he has ginerally his. pockets full ob kandies,

13

290 BLACK DIAMONDS.

which he gubs away to de little deahs, whareber he sees dem.
Whoeber will return de said Professor to Anty Clawson's
seller, shall receibe de above reward.

Signed by de Kommittee.

Theophadis Gough Lutts.

George Washington, B. R. S.

Lafayette Limpoff

Wallace Pepers.

Thomas Jefferson Mark Anthony

Napoleon Banks.
Jim CnDjo.
Dave Ramsbottom.
Sam Padlock.
Uriah Knothed, and sebrel odders.

1th — Resolbed, dat de koUeckshun dis ebenin go fur to
'fray de 'xpenses pb putting dese rebolushuns in de
Picayune.

ADVENTORB AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE. 291

LECTURE LXXXVIII.

ADVENTURE AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE.

(The Profe&SQT Goughed.)

My Deah Frens :

I IS as happy as a jackass ober a tub ob oats to find
you all heah again, and me in de middle ob de midst ob you
all. I is sorry dat such circumstances perwented me from
lecturin lass week, and I is also likewise glad to find dat you
tort so much ob your poor old shepard as to offer file dol-
lars for his discoTery when you tort I had met wid some ob
dem Spirit-mediums, and had been spirited away. I is mity
sorry dat I fooled de congregation by not bein able to 'pear
afore dem on dat August — no, it was iiot an August, it was
a July accusion ; and I know dat a 'pology am 'spected
frum me, derefore I will splain d6 reason dat I was absent,
and to sum up de hole truff ob de matter, I tell you .plain
as possible. I hab been Gougbed in de most drefful manner.
I'll tell you. all 'bout it, den you will be as wise as me on
dat-subjec.

On de mornin in quesshun, I dress myseff in all I had,
determined to see de Cristile Palace, and so I set out for
purpose. On my arribal at de door, de man dar, wid a star on
de cote, was not a gwane to luff me in. I told him, it was
necessary for de good ob de community dat I should see de
show, to tell my congregation "bout it ; den he ask me who
I was, and when I told him my name, de door was at once
opened, de sogerin police opened on both sides ob de gang

292 BLACK DIAMONDS,

plank, an in I walked as proud as de hen at de head ob her
brood ob one chicken. When I got in dar, I was aston-
ished and putrefied at de sights I seed. On one side was a
row ob Wenis ob Medicens, and on de odder, a row ob
Apollo Belwedero in a state ob nakedness dat I tink shood
be acted on by de Moral Deformed Society. Fig lebes must
hab bin mity scarce in de country whar dese tings war
made. It struck me as bein curious dat no colored woman,
man or child was in de exhibition, and I don't know de rea-
son why, kase I'll turn dem out agin de world on shape. It
was quare to me, too, dat de sogerin police wood pass dese
naked statues and wink at de immodesty ob de ting, and I'll
bet de post office against de Astor house, dat if -dese same
sogerin police was to see me or you in de same state ob in-
osence in de street, no matter how beautiful a nastytude we
might assume, dey wood take us afore old Matsol, and
we git tree monffs at hard labor. Dey got a good menny
beastly statues dere — deres one whar a great big .nasty
snake hab tackted a lion wid his wife and children, and he's
makiu sassage meat ob dem at a wonderful rate. Dere am
annudder ob a young woman dat was a gwane to market al-
most naked on a hoss, to sell eggs, when a big devourin
lion, called a Amezon, jumped 'pon he hosse's neck and am
in de act ob killin de hoss, while de young wowan am a kil-
lin de lion wid a spear she shakes ober his head, derefore de
statute desemble Shakspeare.

I can't tell you much 'bout what I seed in dere to-nite,
Sacrifise it to say,' dat arter seein all I cood, I lefF, and was
a comin home to come here and lecture, when I seed a sine
dat a krockerdile was to be seen, and as I was still firstm.
for nolage, I went in to see it. Wile dar a wite man scrar
ped my acquaintance, ^.nd was mity friendly. He sed he had
heard ob me so ofBn, dat he wanted me to take a drink wid

ADVENTURE AT THE CKYSTAL PALACE. 293

him, and when we left de krockerdile we jonrned to a soger
water shop for dat purpose. I told him dat I didn't drink
nnffin but soger water, and when it was poured out, he sed
I had better take " a stick " in it for my stomjack sake, so I
told him to put it in, and he did, and de fust ting.1 node I
didn't noe nuffin, andde nex ting I node, I fonnd myself
home in bed at Anty Clawson's, wid de doctor on one side
and a tin pan on de odder. I took an emetick and it woodn't
stay on my stomjack, I was so bad. I am told dat I was
fonnd on a sellar door fass asleep, and was carried home
widont my hat, which was stolen from my wenerable hed, on
a wheelbarref.

Xow I noe how prone womankind and mankind am to
gossib and slanderize, and I speck de fust ting I heah will
be dat i was drunk and dat I went on a spree, but de fust
one in dis congregashnn dat sez it, I'll find d«m two dollars
and take der cote, till its paid, and den I'll read him or her
out ob dis community. It am yet to be shone wedder od-
der folks cap't be Goughed as well as John B., derefore I
warn yon all not to luff your tongues run 'bout me. I'm
determined to scrutinize my character at all hazzards, and
I'll stick to myself like warm tar to a darkey's head. I
don't feel in good trim to-night ; my hed am as holler ob
ideas as a dried bass drum, but nex w*ek, if I hab helf yon
may look out for a lecture dat will be remembered.

Will brudder Eshmal Jacobs pass round de sasser, and as
I got nuffin lass week I spect a fuss rate kolleckshun
dis time.

294 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE LXXXIX.

ON SHAKSPEAEE.

Lambitous Satilites —

As I hab cliowsin to become pussonal in my lectnrs
ob late to you, and as I see by de contents ob de sasser, da
only rule I hab ob judgin in such matters, dat you like 'em
radder muchly, I shall continue to 'lucidate 'pen folks in par-
tickelyer, raddar den tings in general.

De gemman whose karracter I shall lug up dis ebenin,
wus once berry popelar, and rote a good menny plays and
tings, and sed-some ob de bess tezts in de catalog. I 'tend
to dewide wid you de nolege I hab ob

DE pos'le shakespeke,

a gemman dat, gis as like as not, you hab herd spoken ob
afore.

Mr. Shakespere wus a hostler by trade, but gub it up in he
youf to foller de actors. He was a fuss-ra>te school-boy, and
always wore an imperial and tite buttoned jacket. His life
wus one long contest fur bread and butter, gis de same as
your humbly serbent's, me, myseff. He was born at "Strat-
ford 'pon an oven,'' so I heard a man once say, and dat
'counts for his habin sich a hard time o^ it fru life. It am
sed dat he wus born ob poor hut honest parents, as if all
poor parents wus not honest. Howeber, dats got nofifin to
do wid me.

I sumtimes tink Massa Shakespere wus a cuUerd man,
kase in one ob he books he says to heseflf, " Happy fur me

ON SHAESPEARE. 295.

I am black" — and again he says samfin looks as black to
him as he own face. I don't sert it, howeber, as a fack, to
be laid doan fur futur proceeding.

* Shakespere went fru a great deal. He has been oftener
murdered and susansided den enny odder man libin. He
was fust killed in de battle ob Bozesfields, when he wus a
humped backed tirent, and offered a whole kingdom fur a
hoss. Horses war scarce den and no mistake. De nex time
he died, he run heseff fru de body wid he own sword in do
tent, wid Mark Antony, or sum ob dem fellers. Den he
cum to life agin and married a berry nice young woman, a
darter ob an old codger in de toun ob Wenis, nie de moun-
tain dat am all de time sick at its stomjack, and constant-
ly throwin' up.

Well, he got jellis ob he wife wid one Mike Cashio, a buck
ob de times, and arter kickin up a fuss ginerly, and murder-
in Mrs. OtheUo in her bed, he killed heseff, gis as he took a sar-
cumcised dog by de tale,, and smoked nim dus wid a cheese
nife, but it didn't make a dif a bitterance to him how m'enny
times he'm killed — ^not it. He was quainted wid a lot ob
witches dat lib in de mountains ob Scotland, and I speck dey
used to fotch him to life gis as ofin as dey pleesed. Well, ar-
ter he kicked up sich a muss in Wenis, he went to Skotland,
and turned soger n^an, and jined a Scotch company wid de
bagpipes fur a Jband. Well, here he done up sebril fitins, and
married a tarter by de name ob Mrs. Macbeff, which made
dem call him Macbeff. She took it into her head to be a
Queen, and made her husband kill off old Dunkin, who cum
to Mrs. MacbefPs login house. Here poor Shakespere was
in anudder muss, and notwidstandin de witches sed he coofln't
ba killed agin by nobody born ob a woman, and as all
men are born ob womins in general, Mr. Shakespere Mac-
beff tort he'd hab a good time a libin out he days; but a

296 BLACK DIAMONDS.

young feller oamed Mike Duff fixed his bizness for him, and
he.wus killed agin. Den he weut in black fur heseff dat
time, and wetit ober to anudder country, and passed himseff
off on a young lady (named Ollfeelyer) as Gimblet, de PrincS
ob Dunkirk. Here de witches sent de ghost ob old Shakes-
pere, de fadder ob de Pos'le Sam, who 'peared to him in de
nite time in steel soger cloze, and when he seen he son, he
trowed he beaver hat up fur joy. Dis suckumstance set de
young man crazy, and he killed old Pompylonius, he fadder-
in-law dat wus to be. Dis upset de hed-geer ob de young
woman, and she went crazy too, and drowned herseff in de
canal. Her big brudder, Mr. Lea-rtus, or Lazarus ^I can't
remember names bery well wid dis cold I got in my hed,)
and he had a regler fite, and stuck he gizzard wid a pison
sword. Den he died agin — and one would suppose he'd seen
'nuff ob dis world ob bubbles. But no 1 de nex ting you
find liim as " King Lear," an old reprobate, full ob bligard
talk and foolosofy. He, howeber, by. dis time, hab got
putty old and moss worn out. His children all cut frum
him, septin one, and she humbugd him too a little — but al-
together, dey set him crazy agin, and he goes out in de
woods in de equinoxtail storm, and dies agin.

In readin his history, I was in hopes dat dis wus an end
ob him, but it was not so. He agin revisits de arf wid a
seemin detarminashun to see a little fun, as he had done
bloody deeds 'nuff. So de witches fatten him up, and name
him, dis time, Falstaff, and de fuss ting he did wus to go
arter de wimin. He went doun to a little place called
" Winsor," and mixed in wid some 'odder men's wives, who
dunfjjed him into de riber out ob a cloze basket. Dis gub
him a cold in he institushun, and he cotched de edderwednes-
day in histroat. When he cum out ob dat he jined Prince
Hall's army, and was cut to pieces at de battle ob Bunker's

ON SHAKSPEAEE. 297

Hill, in de year 1916, since which time it is sposed he hab bin
sassagefied to lay still in he grabe. Dere hab bin a good men-
ny fellers since his time who hab tried to palm demseff off
fur de veritable Shakespere, but dere efforts hab neber suc-
ceeded. His mantel wus too big intirely fur enny ob dese
latter gineration fellers to ware. It obercum dem too much,
and I tell you, my frens, notwithstandin what 'straordinavy
talents may be claimed by parents fur ■ der children, dere
neber was but cme Shakespere dat eber lived, and I don't
belebe he'll condescend to lib agin, no how.

Dere now, you noe all 'bout de Pos'le*Samuel Shakespere.
I found out what I hab told you by hard study only. I had
to read Shakespere moss all fru to get de tred ob he histo-
ry, which I unravel to you.

No applause if you please, de nabors complain ob it. .

Will Brudder Cornelus Maffews pleese pass 'round de
time honored sasser.

IS-*

298 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XO.

polivicians.

Blubbed Bruddbes :

It am not my plan at present to 'scuss de warious
kinds of politicians in 'ticular, but only in gineril. I'se not
gwine to examine dere shells — wedder dey be hard or soft —
I leaves dat to Anty Clawson, whose bizness it am to noe all
'bout shellfish, and derefore may be said to be fishally con-
nected wid de subjic.

What I want to interdufte to 'lighten your dark nnder-
standins, am de polly-tishuns in de lump. I don't mean dat
I want to interduce dem to you pusonally ; no 'mount ob
bad pennies in de sasser would make me do dat. An' you
may be glad 'nuff dat you're black in de face — ^for dat's all
dat perwentsyon from fallin' inter de bans ob dese fellers.
An' I want you to take kere an' not let me ketch you
practisin' speeches by yoursefs, to 'stonish your mates an'
make beliere j^ou'se bad as de wits man. It's only a wite
man kin do politicks, an' I hopes dey will allers keep up de
'stinction 'tween dem an' de 'stinguished scions ob Africa.

A polly-tishun has no opinions ob his own ; be am like a
straw ; hold him up, an' he'll pint wich ebber way de wind
ob poplar 'pinion blows him. Ef a platform breaks down,
it don't hurt him, for he am like a cat dat allers lites on its
feet ; an' he runs rite up on anudder wun, an' hoorays as ef
he allers belong dar. 'Tween 'lecshun times he is quiet
'nuff, like an ole coon asleep in de top ob a holler tree, libin'

POLITICIANS. 299

on his fat ; but wen 'lecshun kums, he gits lively like frogs
in spring. Den he gits a bank note changed into sixpences,
puvpus to spend for treats wid ebbery body. He wares an
ole hat, to look like a wnrkin' man, an' he puts patches on
his nees. He makes his arms sore, shakin' hands wid
ebbery body, an' 'tends to be 'tickler anxious 'bout de helf
ob your wife and children. He is as sly as a possum ; see
him wid a 'ligious man, an' he'll look an' talk like a minister
in a camp meetin' ; meet him haf an 'our after talkin' to sum
wild feller, an' you'll hear wurds dat, ef dey aint swearin',
soun' wery much like cussin'.

His nateral home am de top ob a stump, an' he keeps to
it so long sumtimes, dat he looks as ef he growd dar — an
no dout it wood be a good ting ef he did. But he hates to
git off it,- kase when he cums doun, he's no bigger den odder
pepil, an' not a bit better nedher. On it he gits as noisy as
a wind-mill, and he's driv by de same power^— wind. Wen
he tanks an' rites he allers picks de longest words out ob de
dickshunary, to kiver up his idees like wid a blanket ; an' it
'peers as dough he was at panes to tuck de words in, under
an' all 'round his thoughts, so dat no wun can see 'em, ef
he's got enny, wich menny pepil dout — an' wid good reason.
Or if ever he let's any idee 'pear, it's allers in sich a dress
dat it may be 'splained to mean jist the contrary ting.

'Bout religion he never sez much, 'ceptin' dat Inen should
be liberal in dere 'pinions, which he is hessef, for he goes to
ebbery church in his naborhood regular, and belebes in 'em
all alike.

Wen lecshun's ober, he grows smarter in his 'pearance,
don't ware ole hats enny more, an' puts on hole trowserloons.
He berry offen gits uncommon short-sited after dis ewent,
an' can't see de frens dat wns most useful in gittin' him
office. To be sure, dey deserve it, for 'sociatin wid poUy-

300 BLACK DIAMONDS.

tishuns, an' I don't pity 'em ef dey is forgot. Sumtimes he
can't eben 'member de promises he made 'fore 'lecshun, an'
ef he do, why " circumstances makes it impossible to kum-
ply."

De polly-tishun am aslipry as de cat, as kunnin' as de fox,
as sly as de possum, an' as wexious as de skunk. Ef enny
ob dis kongregashun tries to be a polly-tishun, I'll fotch him
up 'fore de hole kongregashun, and 'blige him to 'fess de
error ob his ways.

Will Brudder Squash please to citculate de sasser ?

LECTURE XCI.

WOMAN.

Sheeps ob --my Pastore —

Hebe I is agin! feelin dis time 'bout as strong as a
pipe stem in a gale ob wind, but no matter how strong or
week I is, I is here to do- my duty, as Capt. Creighton sed
to de poor fellers 'bord- de. San Francisco. I is almoss
ashamed to^ kommence lecturin dis ebenin, fur I hab got
sich a skitish snbjeck to handel dis time, and (bein single
mysef), noein so little 'bout dem, dat I is afeered I shall
put my foot squar into it, afore I is fru. Neber-de-less, as
I hab receibed an inquest from sum ole batchelor, as I
'speck, to lecture on de fair sex, I will say sumfin to yon
consarnin de

FEMALE WOMAN.

In handlin dis subjick, I got to be mity nice and

WOMAN. 301

carfn], or else I is sure to hab de hole race ob kalico donn
on me like a bat full ob sweet potaters — kase ef dar am
enny animile dat hates to be told de truf more den anudder,
it am dis same female woman — and de reson fur dat am
omnibus 'nuf, frum de fack dat dey am so flattered and lied
to by de hemale race, dat dey kau't bare to hear de truf no
more den a slidin pond will bare a bullefent.

De almanack sez — and who nose more den de almanack ?
(sept an Alderman, maybe) dat in de time ob creashun, de
woman was made lass. I kan see de wisdom ob natur in
dis, kase ef she had bin made fuss, she'd a kicked up such
a muss wid de rest ob de kritters, dat tings woodent a went
as smooff as dey did.

Arter all de odder beasts was done, and dere skins dried,
den man wus made to rule ober dem, and den woman wus
made to rule ober de man, and frum dat day to dis, she has
done it to perfection, and fulfilled her mission to de letter.
True, dey don't all take de same mefod to rule — sum ledes,
him wid a silken string, like the showman leads de bullefent
wid a little cord, and odders dribe ^id a rod ob iron.

Natnt when he made man, tort he had done sumfin grand,
but when he formed all de little fancy bits ob clay, and
turnd out a woman in all her lubliness, he seed plainly dat
he'd toped de climax ob beauty. When I lean back in my
char at twilight, and haff shut my eyes, and corntemplate
what woman wus afore de old sarpint tempted her in de
Garden ob Eben, I git lost in develtre and go to sleep.

It wus a happy tort to make Mr. Adams a wife, fur he'd
a found dis a dead, bleak, awful world widout her, notwid-
Btandin she got him kicked out ob Paremdice.

Eber sence dat old sarpint tempted de woman, she hab
had de debil in her to a more or less extent, and what makes
it wuss fur us poor he=fellers, am de fack dat dey am all

302 BLACK WAMONDS.

made so beauful, dat you kan't no more tell which am de
debils and which de angels 'mong dem by gis lookin at 'em,
no more den you kan tell a rotten nut till it am cracked.
It hab bin sed by able foolosefers, dat a bad woman am de
worst ting on arf. I gess dem fellers neber got a rotten
persimon in dar mouff wid no water handy.

Sum married man say dat de woman am wuss den de
debil when dey am a mind to be. Dey say dat she noes too
much, dat she noes 'zackly when to make de bed wid thorns
or fedders, when cold mutton and cold coughfee am to be
sarbed up, and when no dinner at all, am best fur de comfort
and happiness ob de husband. One feller ses he can make his
wife do gis as sh£s a mind to at enny time. Anudder ses, as
long as he kan bring home lots ob cash, and gub his wife
plenty ob spendin money, its all rite, but on de koutrary it
am quite de reworse. Now I don't pertend to say nuffin
'bout dese tings on my own hook, derefore I isn't 'sponsible,
but dey may rail aginst woman as much as dey like, dey
kan't set me up aginst dem. I hab always fru life found
dem to be de fust in lub, fust in a quarrel, fust in de dance,
de fust in de ice-cream saloon, and de fust bess and lass in
de sick room. What wood we poor debils do widout dem ?
Let us be born as young, as ugly and as helpless as we
plese, a woman's arms am open to recebe us. She it am
who gubs us our fuss dose ob castor oil, and puts cloze 'pon
our helplessly naked hms, and cubbers up our foots and
toeses in long flannel petticoats, and it am she who,, as we
grow up, fills our dinner basket wid doenuts and apples as
we start to skool, and licks us when we tare our trowsers.
It am she who in our manhood makes de moon brighter and
bigger, and de stars to twinkle in de ferminence wid de
splendid glory (for take woman out ob de world, and night
would lose de moss ob its beauty). It am sht who robs

WOMAN. 308

trouble ob haff its sting, when de trouble ain't 'bout anudder
woman.- It am she who teaches us wortue and goodness
fru life, proridin she ain't bankrupt in boJBf ob dem hersef.
It am she who makes de sweetmeets and homemade kakes.
It am she who watches in de sick room, and gubs you de
calomal and joUop, and rubug and curren jelly — and it am
she who sticks to you in de lass hour ob life, and consoles de
troubled spirit as long as it clings to dis mortal body. Who
kaa-help lubin women 1 I can't, and I don't car who nose it —
wid all her faultshoods, I lub her, and I won't heah no body
spoke agin de sex no how. Ef I'd a bin Adam, and Ebe

,d bin sent to me, dare needent a bin no snake tempted
:er, fur de debil wood hab bin in me as J)ig as a cowcumber,
and I'd a tempted her mysef, and ef enny ob you will go to
de Crystal Palace and see Mudder Ebe a standing dere, as
Mr. Powers ses she was, I don't tink you kan blame me
fur ownin up.

While Bnidder Elemuel Ceasar Chaff passes round de
sasser, de kongregashnn will pleese sing to de tune ob de
aseal duckBholiday, de perspirin words ob de posel Gold-
smif —

"•When lubly woman stoops to folly,
And finds too late dat man betra;^ :
She might as well be gay and jolly,
As to kick up a fuss about it."

304 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XCII.

about the old enemy.

Blhbd Bruddren and Sistern :

What ik am to de steam bulgine, sciance am to de
human intelleck. It keeps it from riistin. Ef it wasn't fur
ile de'machinery wood become damp and rusty, and ef it
wasent fur sciance, de mechenery ob de tinkin apperatus ob
man wood be in de same sitewashun, kase water kannot
produce wus kloddings to de axel-trees ob de steamboat,
den' ignumrence can do to de axel-trees ob de brane. Dere-
fore, I dewise you all to keep your brane pan as dry ob ig-
numrence as possible, and make free use ob de ile ob sciance.
You can apply it wid de fedder ob useful nolege, and den see
how easy it will be to confound de moss brilliant ideas ob
de men dat hab passed before you, and dose dat hab passed
behind you. Habin settled dis pint, as de hungry boarder
sed on swallerin de coughfie, I will draw your 'tenshun (and
I suppose dats 'bout all I will draw frum you to-nite), to de.
great subjick fur 'siderashun dis ebenin.

Sum ob you dat am easily scart, may be frightened when
dey cum to see de animal dat I purpose to introcumduce to
you. But I don't car. It am necessary dat you shood be
'lighted on all subjicks. I had tackled all kinds ob animals
fur your intertainment and nolege, and now you will see
what an awful feller I tackled for your sakes dis time.

De feller I introcumduce to you on dis 'portant caishun,
am an old friend ob yours. De reson I tink you all know
him, am bekase I hab herd almost ebery one ob you men-

ABOUT THE" OLD ENEMY. 305

shun his name in connecktion wid almost ebery thing you talk
'bout. I may as well tell you, widout keepin you in suspen-
ders enny longer, dat I 'tend to lecture dis ebenin on de
chap none to eberybody, as

DE DEBIL.

Don't be scart, my frens, I am not gwane to bring him
here in his " proper personage," as we say in Latin. He
won't be here no more to-nite, den he always has bin. I
hab offen herd folks say dey ment to raise de debil, but dere
am no record ob de fack being done, 'cept de record found
in de komic almanick, whar dat good old man, Lorpnzo
Dow, raised him in de Western country out ob a barrel ob
cotton. Wedder dat story am true or not, rests wid the
konshence ob de almanick.

De debil am an old customer, I tell you. We fust heah
ob him in de shape ob a snake in de garden ob Eden (whar,
as I told you a week or two ago, he played de debil wid
mudder Ebe), and frum dat time to de present, he hab
taken up he abode all ober creashun. Sumtimes he am
found in de hart ob de miser^sumtimes on de lips ob de
clergy, and he makes a perfect randavious ob de loafers
mouth, fur he am always in it.

He am none by seberel odder names besides his right one.
I don't noe ob any one in de whole range ob my 'quaintan-
ces, who hab so menny recognized " kuick " names as he.
He am called Old Knick, Satan, Belzebub, Old Harry, Old
Scratch, Jimmy Squarfoot, Old Horns and Tail, Old Fellow,
Old Brimstone, and fifty oder names too well known to men-
shun.

' Dere am no use for me to 'tempt to describe dis feller to
you, kase dere am nobody dat nose nofin 'bout him, and all
my resarches outside ob de pictur book hab bin in wain.

306 BLACK DIAMONDS.

De pictur books paints him wid horns, foots, and tail, like
an ox^ — wid a face like an owl, and a body like a man. But
folks, generly, don't seem to 'bleve dat am his dogertype
likeness, or else dere words belie dcm most consumtively.
De fack am, no two pepil dat I hab met during my studies
on the subjick, seem to tink he am alike. For instinc, how
often you hear sich remarks as dese on de Rial to. One man
will say to anuuder, " Good mornin, it am devlish cold to-
day." Yes, ses de odder feller, but it wus as hot as de
debil yesterday, and upon my word,, sich warm wedder ab
brought de flesh off ob me, 'till I am devlish thin."
" Well," sez de fust spokesman, " hot wedder acks different
wid me. I always get deblish stout in de summer time."

Dere, you see one man hab de idea ob de debil bein cold
and stout, while de odder tink he am hot and slim. See de
infrence ! Den again you will heah men say dat sumbody
wus as mad as de debil 'bout sumfin — and de nex minit you
will heah de remark dat sumbody wus devlish civil. So I
might go on and state dese contradictory notions all nite,
widout making de fac more crystalised.

De vrite trash paint de debil black, but in de Africa dey
paint him wite— dere you see de infrences again — an' which
am right. Eben Foolosefer Greely kan't deside wid enny
satisfackshun to de komnmnity — but ob corse he'd go his
deff on black. Nobody eber seen dis debil, aldo he hab bin
on arf from the fust morning de world was made, and dere
nebber hab bin enny 'counts ob he deff, eder by telegraph
or newspapers, up to seven o'clock tft-nite, kase I've bin
watchin fur de news all de week sence I 'eluded to lecture
'pon his lowness.

Ef dere am one fellow hated more den unudder, it am de
scoundrel mentioned in de tex. He am nebber menshuned
in what am termd good society, but he am as big as a

ABOUT THE OLD ENEMY. 307

wood-chuck in dere midst all de time. Sum folks go so far
as to 'spress dere dislike to him in poetry, by requesting
eberybody

" To whip de debil round de stump,
Ebery crack will make him jump."

I hab no doubt, judgin frum his moral character, dat he
richly deserbes tarin and feddrin, besides bein licked, like —
like — de debil. He must be a dredful bad feller, and his
influence muss be severely felt' in dis country, when it costs
ober a hundred millions a yeer to support churches and
preecher mans to fight wid him, and keep down his power.
Dere am no noein whar he cum frum zackly. One poor old
blind gemmon, by de name pb Milton, wrote a beauful
piece ob poetry, describing his dounfall, but aU his theory
am nocked flatter den Tom Hyer nocked Sullivan ; when
we refleck dat he wus wid Adam and Bbe, in de garden ob
Paradise; sence which time sum say he hab taken up he
abode in Wall street.

In 'clushnn, 6thly, I will cut de subjiok short. I don't
meen curtailin de beast, but de lectur 'pon him. De fack is,
I don't like to be too familliar wid him on no account — ^fur
I, wid de rest ob mankind, hab ebery reson to be afeered ob
him, fur ef he once claps his harpoon in you, you am a goner.

Sum say dere am no debil — dat's a, lie, my frens, fur ef he
wus out ob de way, dere wood be no murder, no more law-
suits, no more rum drinked,, and consequently no more prisons.
Dere am a debil, and he is alibe, and he am arter ebery one
ob yon, and he wU! take eben bets dat he will hab you.

He am always playin round your konshences, and ef you
don't look out, he will slip into your heart, and make it a
hard shell afore you know it. He am capable ob coming to
you in enny shape, or in enny form he choose, and data de

308 BLACK DIAMONDS.

reson one pussoa tinks him so different frum de odder. Data
de reson he am hot to one, and cold to de odder. Oh, you
poor deluded sinners, I dewise you to be on de alert, as de
'lecshun bills say, and keep your eye skinned fur future
futurity. Try to go tru de world like a man — be kind and
charitable to all^stick to your friends — ^be honest, and
always speak de truf, and de debbil will not bodder you
much — he don't like sich . company — and he gencrly gubs
sich lolks a wide birf. You will, ob corse, find it hard to
ward off his berry 'fectionafe influence, but stick to de de-
termination to kick him off, and you will finally reach de
odder side ob Jordan, de only place where he am none not
to exist.

Wid dese reflecshuns, I drop de subject like de monkey
dropped de hot potato. I cood paint out de horrible hole
where he libs, tell you de natural smell ob de place, de color
ob de flames, and de state ob de fremometer, but I won't.
I lebe dat fur de preechermans, many ob whom do nofin else
— and frum sum ob dere descripshnns, you-wood tink dey^
gis cum frum de place itself.

Will Brudder Napoleon Sampson Augustus Puttyhed
pleese pass 'round de sasser, and look out fur tin shillings
and free cent pieces — ^neder ob which I take.

THE LOBSTER. 309

LECTURE XCIII.

THE LOBSTER.

My Deah Woolly Heds —

You will find de tex I hab chosen fur lucidation dis
ebenin, in de bottom ob de sea, close under de rocks, but as
sum ob you, speshly de fair sex, mout object to go dere to
look fur it, I will tell you where you can see a dogsearatype
likeness ob him, which may answer de purpose ob dose folks
dat am not so 'quisitif as odders You will find him in sum ob
de spellin books, rite along side de letter L, and agin in Massa
Goldsmith's book 'bout de animiles. De tex 'luded to, am
often seen at de markets also, and am one ob de moss famil-
iar subjicks dat I coed fotch up frum de deep waters ob ob-
livion, to spread afore your darkened intellecks; De feller
I shall dissect to-nite, am called in de English tongue,

DE LOBSTER. '

I 'spose yon wood all radder hah him den heer tell ob him,
but dats gis like de darkey, and a good menny wite folks,
too. Dey kan't heer ob nofin good widout wantin it. Dere •
am more selfishness in de world den menny pepil am apt to
suppose.

De lobster, my frens, am one ob de moss curious interestin
fellers dat runs in de mud. He ain't half so beautiful as de
rinosinhos, nor as lively as a flea. I tink, howeber, he
am ob de flea species, or de flea am ob de lobster spe-
cies, gis which you like. Dey am boff some on a nip, gis

310 BLACK DIAMONDS.

like de sportin man. He libs in a shell, like de clam, but am
no more relashun to de clam family, den I am to- Samuel
Shakspere.

When de world wus made, dere wus a good menny tings
created dat wood tax de wisdom ob de author ob de bess
foolosofers dat ebber libed. Adam was consulted by
letter about it, but found no use to put him to, and he
sent word dat all critters dat coodent be used muss be
devoured, and mankind hab bin hard at de lobster eber
sence — but de more dey eat de more seems to turn up.

It hab always bin a mystery to me, and I may say to
odder lightened foolosofers ob de day, to make out what de
lobster wus fust intended fur, afore it wus decreed dat he
wus to be eat up. It mite hab bin a wrong decree, but de
poor ting had no way ob defendin its cause. He coode nt
call a conwention to proteck his rites, like de wommin ob de
present day. He coodent mount de rostrum and speechify
— folks wood only laff at him — derefore his desendents do
all dey kan to show dar disgust fur de imposition flicted
'pon dem, fur dey am never put into de pot dat dey don't
blush all ober wid de heat ob resentment.

When human nature made hjm in de fust place, I belebe
dat it wus a speriment gis to see how ugly a ting cood be cre-
ated, and how odd a customer cood be made to lib. I hab
often tort dat it wus fust intended to make him a cupple ob
legs, and place dem in de middle ob de body, so he cood
walk upright, like de dandies and de owl, but dis speriment
was 'bandoned when it wus taken into 'siderashun dat no-
body cood make glubs to fit his .claws, kase yon see ef he
had bin made wid legs, his claws wood ob corse be his hands.
Ef he had bin made to walk uprite, he wood hab made a
good companion, or perhaps a kind ob waiter to de old deb-
bil heseff, and a pretty pair dey wood hab made fur a small

THE LOBSTER. 311

party. Howeber, legs wus found not to answer, fur de mo-
ment it wus tried, he kommenced boxin wid a monkey, and
so to git him out ob sight, he wus thrown oberboard into de
sea, and dar he lib in fine style eber sence. His creashun
wus a grand speriment in menny ways, fur he am de only
animile dat libs, dat combine de two sex, hemale and she-
male, in one, and Nateral History sez dat " dis fac alone
makes dem de moss wonderful ob all creashun, and wordy
ob de study ob de scientific, and ob corse dat means me."

I cood go on splainin singelar tings 'bout dis donble-jinted
feller all nite, but it wood be no use ; all you cai;e about
him, am to stuff your bred baskets wid him, and while you
are tarin his insides out, you no more car how dey got dar,
den I car who's de nex Presemdent. You got no more soul
fur sianee, den a goose lias fur music. Dere am one or
two tings connected wid him besides his tale, dat may how-
eber strike you on de nolege box, as bein bery. queer. One
ob dese am de fac dat it am as much trouble fur him to git
a new cote upon his back, as it is fur one ob us fellers,
and he is compelled by de force ob sarcumstances and de
grofth ob his body, to change his jacket ebery year, gis like
de skool boy. De great difference, howeber, am dat gettin
a new jacket always makes de lobster sick abed fur , a few
days, so he hab to be doctored, and de same operashun in de
corse ob de skool-boy's life, make a holiday fur him.

De lobster is a kute feller. He ginerly hides heseff
away doun on de bottom ob de sea, behind a rock, or in a
bunch ob coral, or sea-weed, and dere he sticks fur hours on
de lay fur wictims, gis like de gamblers ob de city. When
a little fish comes along fishin fur bugs, he will find, to his
titter 'stonishment, a big claw cum doun on him like a siege
hammer, and afore he recubbers frum he fright, he am in de
jaws ob deff and de lobster.

312

BT,ACK DIAMONDS.

You see he steals fur a libbia, aud fights like a mad wo-
man when he gets kotched at it. Take him alltogedder,
claws and all, and you will find him a hard case- — let him
. git a chance, and de impression he will make upon you, will
sassagefy you ob dat fac. You mite better play wid a steel
trap den 'tempt to make a pet ob one ob dem, ef he's no
bigger den a piece ob red putty.

Dere ; you noe all about de lobster now, and speck you
feel greatfool fur it. I tort it wood be a subject dat wood
meet your tastes, and I felt .sure you wood greedily devour
it. Ef -enny ob you feel as ef you wood like to see furder
into de subjick, gis bring him to me wid a little sweet oil,
ki-an pepper, mustard, winegar, and such tings, and I'll
show you how wonderful we are made, in less den no time.

As I see a good menny ducks here to-nite, we'll konclude
by singin de useal ducks holiday, or ducksolegers, I don't
car which, kommencin wid —

Lobsters, great and small,
We fondly lub you all ;
Bile dem nicely in de pot.
And bring dem out pipin hot.

You can smg it to long metre, short metre, or meet her
by moonlite alone.

Will Brudder Dave Leonidus Mark Antony Petis pleese
to honor de 'caishun by ;passin round de sasser. He will
den hab a fuss rate chance ob showin off dem yeller glubs
dat he hab held ober he hed all de ebenin. Is camfene
smell nateral to dat kind ob goat skin.

THE MONKEY. 813

LECTURE XCIV.

THE MONKEY.

Cdkkious Customees

It am berry currigen to your humble speaker to see
sich a crowd ob pussons assemble bar each lectur nite. De
reesou ob sich crowded houses am owiu to it bein free.
You wni allers find free consarts an free lecturs crowded,
no matter how poor de intertainment am dat's offerred.
Dat I call a noble zample ob "our free institutions," as de
politishions say. I hab bin inquested to lectur on a cur-
rious an by no meens sublime subjick dis ebenin, an darfore
1 will pleese .de brudder by scribein de culiarities ob a feller
you all despise, but nebberdeless he muss be induced to your
dark intellects.

You will find de subjick fured to in all de jimalongical sub-
stitutes or carawans in de country, an in all de museums,
edder stuffed in a glass case or rnnnin round de floor wid a
string tied to he middle. I speck you begin to smell sumfin
. like a rat as to who de feller am ; but ef not, I'll tell you
plump an squar, widout wishin to insult you, dat I wish
to call your 'tention to —

DE MONKEY.

De monkey am s'posed, by sum ob de nigerent peepils, to
be de connectin link atweene de ingin rubber mare maid dat
belongs to Mr. Barnum, and de culler'd man. Odders tink
dat dey am cross grained atweene de possum and de kange-

U

31 i BLACK DIAIIOXPS.

roo ; but my deluded frens, sich am not de fack. Dey am
a stinck race by demseffs, an dev uoe too much for de wite
man, and de culler'd man too. Dey noe nuff to keep dar jaws
closed, so dey won't bab to wor^ an take care ob demseffs
like us fellers, an de way solne ob dem does fool de wite
trash am a causbun to lawyers.

Dar am sebril kinds ob monkeys, called by different names,
de same as de different tribes ob ingins, an range from de big
rang-a-tang, five foot high, to de little whinein monkey no
bigger den a kitten, wid a tail as long as de Pilgrim's Pro-
gress. Dey am cubber'd wid hair, like a hair trunk, an dey
luff dar wiskers grow in de French fashion. You muss not
tink dat dem dandies you meet in Broadway wid dar face
cubber'd up with hair till dey look like a rat a peakin- true
a bail of oakem, am rang-a-tangs, kase dey ajnt ; for de pure
breed hab got a narrative attached to dem dat dese dandies
vrouldn't fatig demseffs to carry round, less it war fashuna-
ble ; but I tink dey am radder shamed ob demseffs, for look-
ing so much like a big monkey, an for fear dat sensable
peepil will take dem for de pure speches, dey had dar coats
cut off as short as posable, jis to luff all de vrorld see dat
dey hab not got a tail. Ef de tailors war to cut dar coats
longer, menny dat now pass for human beins would be in
fear to lemenade de treet, leest de show shop man kotch an
kage dem.

But dey needn't bin a fraid, kase dey "svood be foun ob a
tirely different speeshes from de monkey as soon as dar high
coat collar were turned down fishently to show dar ears.
Now you noe de reeson dat de dandies wares de high collar
and de short tail coat.

De monkey am de moss decetful of all human nature.
When you got your eye on him, you'd tink butter wouldn't
melt in he mouf ; but de minnet jour back am turned, he

THE MONKEY. 315

am cuttin up de old debil hesseff. His face am so full oj)
ingin-rubber dat yon can't tell wedder he am a cryin or a
laffin, widout a close specshun ob de muzzels. When dey
am dressed up in man's or wimmen's close, dey look so much
like de cuUer'd poperlashun dat it makes a darkey mad to
look at him. But den dey needn't feel dat way, kase dar
muss be a line drawn, an a eonneckshun link sumwhar.

De monkey infek de souffern reegons ob de atmosfere,
tedder side ob de equinoxtail line, an am found in large com-
munities round Cape Cod, an dar dey lib wid as much inde-
pendence as de Mormons, an like dem hab as menny wibes
as dey like. Dey hab a king mong dem, who hab as much
rite to rule his tribe as de ill-begotten neffew ob his unkle
hab to rule obber France.

History sez dat wen de monkeys git too menny for de
wite peepU dat lib whar dey am, an wen it becums danger-
bus for a spectable female to lebe her home for feer ob bein
nocked doun by dem, den the wite folks go hunt dem, but
dey am too full ob de injin rubber an telemgraf&ck fluid to be
kotched. Den de wites resort to cullerd man's cunningness to
stroy dem. Dey git a dozen baskets an fill dem wid rice an
'lassus, an set em doun 'bout a hundred yards apart long de
road, an dey lay tree or four clubs long side ob de baskits.
Den de wite folks hide demseffs away. Putty soon de monkeys
smell de rice, an cum out ob de woods arter it, but none ob
dem dar go nie to it, an dar they stand for a hour chatterin
jis like Kongress men obber de spiles ob oflGice. Well,'bime
by de lady monkeys bein more feerless den de ress, go up to
de baskets to eat de rice, an to scure it to demseffs dey grab
a club. Den de ole he fellers rush upon dem like a hawk
on a chicken, to take it from dem, an dey grab anudder
club, an den a fite begins, an ginerly one haff am killed or
babby wounded, so dat-dey can be kotched an tried. Dese

316

BLACK DIAMONDS.

facks make me tink dat dey am like de politisliuns ob de
day, kase jis sicli fites am goin on 'bout de gubberment pap,
but de fite am all wind wid dese latter fellers ; but dey try
to termenate one anudder, an dey try it putty hard in de
Six Ward, but dey all seem to come oif second bess.

I cood tell you a good menny uannygotes 'bout de mon-
key, but I hab kept you out ob your beds too long now.
James Arlington Goff Tappin Johnson, pleese pass round
de sasser.

LECTURE XCT,

POMPET'S WEDDINS.

\

{A Fact.)
Delited Lams —

Here I is agin, feelin as fresh as a noreaster, but I
hope to be less cuttin. My 'fections am as strong as a lo-
comotive fur you, and as warm as free o'clock in dog days ;
aud notwithstandin I buse you sum times fur to make you
better, my hart clings tojfou like molasses to a ruif stick.
I say dis on dis caishun, not so much to raise a big coUeck-
shun, as to luff off de honest feelin dat lays hid under de
leff side ob dis worn out west-cote.

Since de lass time I had de pleasure ob distressin you frum
dis old nostrum or desk, I hab seen a little fun. I've bin to
a weddin way out in dat kountry ob clam-shells and ledder
chips — Jersey. I wont tell you whose bin a gittin married,
till I tell you how I was fooled out ob de job.

De odder Saturday nite, Anty Clawson and nie — me and

pompey's wedding. 317

Anty hab made all up agin, and I am aguane back dar to
lib ; we cum to a neutral understandin 'bout tings ; I
am to hab pan-kakes de same day dey am cooked ; de
clam flitters am to hab clams in dem ; de coughfee am to bo
trong nuff to run on all caishuns, and clear itself out ; dere-
fore I tink I will hab less grounds Tb find fault wid ; and
anudder ting am, de gutta percha steaks and doe-nuts am
to be pounded afore dey cum on de table, to sabe jaw-
bone exercise.

Well, as I was sayin, me and Anty Clawson wns agwano
fru Senter Market at a late hour, in order to git tings
cheap, when who shobd I spi wid a tin kettle but Brudder
Pompy and Brudder Reigh, a &tandin at a clam stand, a
gittin dere kittles full. I tort frum de looks ob Pompy dat
sumfin 'straordinary wjis gwane on, kase he looked full nuff
ob happyness to bust. Ebery now and den he'd swaller a
raw clam hole. Tinks I to myseflf, inside my hed, Pompy
muss be in lub, and am habbin a little Fourth ob July to
heseff, so I called he frend aside, and I axed him what's de
matter wid Pompy.

" Don't you noe ?" sed he.

" No," sed I.

" Well, den," sed he, " Pompy am gwane to git married
to Sister Martha Maria, on Monday morning, at Goggys-
vill, nie to Patterson, and he am now gittin a few clams
fnr de weddin brakefast.

I wus damfounded, to tink how de outdatious Pompy dare
do sich a ting, and not let me noe it ; not ebiu gib he old
shepherd de job ; but I dident say nufin to nobody, and no-
body did so to me, but when Monday cum, I gis took de de-
pot and went to Coggysvill, gis to see cf it wus true.
When I ribed, de ceremony wus ober, but matrimony wus
dar in all its glory. Julius was dar, too, and he made no

318 BL'AOK DIAMONDS.

" bones" in inducin me to de family. De bride looked splen-
diferoiis ; her eyes shine like stars in de furninence afore
daylite in de mornin, and she blushed like a biled lobster
when I shook her lubly hand. Pompy was all out on de
caishun ; blue buttoned brass cote, wid high-heeled shirt-
collar, pink vest, red crawat, and odder fixins. He was as
full ob animation as a skruce beer bottle, and seemed as
redy to go off. I wus doun on him fur not luffin me noe
about it, but he polegized and sed it wus de bride's wish, so
ob course I wus like de feller dat wus cotched in de act, I
hadn'ta word to say fur myself. I wusvitedto stay to dinner,
and I tell you what, we had a first-rate programe : clam
soup, fried clams, clam pie, and odder tings in season, in de
greatest confusion.

But de fun dident kommence till arter dinner. As soon
as de table wus clared off, de flo wus elared far a dance.
Brudder Reigh took doun dat good old fiddle, Brudder
Pompey siezed his tamborine, and Brudder Julius took up
his bones, and den de music begin to ring out on de air,
and sich music — ^it was sweet nuff to make de angels stop on
dere errants ob mercy and listen to it frum de clouds. We
all danced to our harts' contents. Fust we had de Scotch-
ick, den we had de elbow-lord-o, den de resowair, den cnm de
pole-cat, den de cowtilion, and den de jigs on all fours. We
danced till you'd a tort hebin and arf was a cummin toged-
der. We swassaged up and donn, lemonaded all round, and
when dat was ober, clam-soup was serbed, wid crackers and
skruce beer. At sum weddins dey gub you Hidesick wine,
but we had stomacksick skruce beer which am jist as good
in fly time. When we had done wid all dat, we marched
to de railrode in single file, two by two, whar we ribed jist
fibe minutes afore de depot left, and home we cum in de for-
ward deck, a singin all de way. When we cum fru de tun-

pompey's wedding. 319

nel, eberybody tort dey heer de car brake doun, but it wus
only Pompy and Martha Maria a kissin radder strong. Dey
boff survived, but de shock wus radder too much fur a maiden
lady in lielock pink silk, who pertended to faint in a young
Irishman's arms. I ribed home safe wid de rest, kase dat
dident happen to be de day fur de rail-rode axident^.

Pompy hab gone to Bohucken on a weddin tour, and he
writes me by de furrin male dat he 's as happy as a hog in
an apple bin at a gider null, and I sincerely wish you war
all as happy as Pompy and he young bride. Ef yon should
meet Martha Maria at enny time, don't look squint-eyed
and noein at her, kase none ob you don't noe what you may
cum to yet ; and above all, keep dark.

De kongregashun will pleese sing de usual ducksholiday
as soon as Brudder Porter takes up de colleckahun. Brud-
Pierce will lede de trubble. Brudder George De Barren-
tone and little Johnny may turn de hand organ on dis por
tant caishun. Sister Jemima Dncklegs will lead de aUtoes.

320 BLACK DIAMONDS.

LECTURE XCVI.

A HARD SUBJECT.

Inlitend Sinners —

De subjick dat I chose fur lucidashun dis time, am
one ob de herdest, when it, am cooked in a proper way, ob
enny I hab as yet tempted to exasperate to you. It am so
common to you all, dat I noe you look 'pon it as beneaf
your notice, but nebber de less, it will serbe as an instrument
to beat nolege into your tick heds. I derefore will call
your 'tenshun to de

BRICKBAT.

which I lay 'pon de desk. Now you will all be mity aston-
ished when I tell you dat dis brick, ruff and onsmoff as it
am, am gis as good as you am, and in some instances, a
good deal better, fur it kan't commit enny sin nor nuisances.
It am made ob de same matereal as you is, and de only
difference dat I can see, am de fack dat de brick hab bin put
fru de iiery furnace afore it am a brick, and you fellers hab
yd got to go fru de brimstone. De Samest sez dat human
natur

" Made us ob clay and formed us man,"

don't it ? Well, what difference to dat am a brick made ?
Don't de man in brick-kill make it ob clay, and form it
brick ? Well den, whats de inference ? Why, dat de man am
as good as de brick, and dat some men am bricks, and nothin
shorter. Bricks and mankind am closer connected den mose

A HARD SUBJECT. 821

jaeople wood at first consebe. , De brick hab stood his frend
aginst wind and wedder fur centeries, and notwidstandin it
am gittin de cold sholder ob de berry class it hab proteckted
fur ages, sence de rage fur wite marble hab set in, and de
brown granite hab become fashunable, still it finds a bery
prominent place in all sibilized kountries.

De brickbat follows sibilizashun as fast as a hungry dog
wood a piece ob raw meat tied to a bull's tail — in fact, sibili-
zashun seems to karry it wid her whareber she goes ; fur as
soon as she steps her foot in a kountry, bricks seem to start
out ob de ground. You may no more speck to find de brick
'mong sabage nashuns, den you mout speck to see de works
ob Samuel Shakespere 'predated in a hog pen. Derefore I
say unto you, suspect de brickbat as a friend ob dose two
sweet^isters, Peace and Sibilizashun. I noe you am reddy
to say'dey ain't always found 'mong de peaceful and sibilized,
kase dey am found in all kinds ob rows at 'lecshnn fites.
But my frens, ef dey am found flyin 'bout like fedders in a.
gale ob wind in de Six Ward sumtimes, am dat de fault ob
de bricks ? Ob corse not ; it am de fault ob de men, as Judge
Bigbean said when he heard de lass case ob seduckshun, and
his 'pinion wood hab bin consid-ered' gis as good as law, ef de
Jury hadent a spilt it by layin de whole blame 'pon de plain-
tif, which, in dis partickler case, wus a woman in loose slebes
and looser morals.

We am all too apt to look doun 'pon folks dat cum frum
gis as good stuff as we did. Whars de difference, I ax yoa
agin, atwene de man and de brick ? When man was formed
out ob de clay, a nose and a mouf wus put 'pon him, and de
bref ob life wus blown in it, and he jumped up reddy to start
a newspaper. Spose de same ting had bin done to de brick,
woodent he bin gis as good as we ? Ob corse he wood.
Don't we, when boff ob us hab becum useless to de world,

14*

o22 BLACK DIAMONDS.

return to brick dust ? Ob corse we do. Well, den, wh^
'mong de greatest foolosefers dat eber cramed his lied wid
nolege, kan see de difference ? Not one, my frens, derefore
dat pint am settled.

De brick am a useful ting, and seems to be thort ob more
den menny tings possessin' more beauty and rale worth.
Sum men am so covetious ob dem, dat dey take home a hat
full almoss ebery night.

Dere am a man dat libs 'pon de fust floor 'bovc me, dat
muss hab a room full by dis time, fur he hab bin berry
industrious a bringin dem home. Sumtimes he has a bigger
lode on den odders, and den his hat am so heaby, it makes
him stagger like a punkin on de end ob a rattan stick. I
don't noe what he dus wid dem, as I neber see him bring
enny ob dem out. Once a cart backed up in front ob de house,
and I specked to see a hole lode go 'way, but not a brick
cum out — all de cart took, wus ashes frum de barrel on do
walk.

When old Hipopotomus, de Greek foolosefer, came frum
Ireland, and seen a brick fur the fust time, he spent six
weeks and aKfortnight a tryin to find which way de grain run ;
but as he coodent find out, it went aginst his grain to work
enny longer, and so he bandoned de job, hopin dat C. Ed-
wards Lester might detect it, wid de rest ob his mares nest,
and publish de result ob his resarches wid his attack 'pen
Presemdent Pierce in de Lundon Times ; but as yet he ain't
told de London people nofin 'bout it.

I wood tell you how de brick am made ef I cood. I
went to a brick-yard wid dat 'tenshun, but as I found I
wood hab to bring de hole yard, kill and all, wid me to do so,
I 'eluded dat it wood be easier fur you to go to de yard dan
fur me tp bring it along. , I axed de man which he tort wus
de moss perfect bricks, and he sed 49's fellers. Wid dis

THE FLEA. 323

startling information ringin in your long ears, I will cave in
fur de ebeuin, as soon as Sister Angelina Sofaria' Abgil
Jinkins passes 'round de sasser — and while slie am doin de
same, I will state dat I nebber wus haff in need ob frens
and dimes as I am on dis 'portant caishnn.

LECTURE XCYII.

THE FLEA.

Foul and fair sex —

I RISE to nite full ob fried clams and spurior n6lege
fur your edicashun. De clams I got at Anty Clawson's,
and de nologe I got frum books and 'sperience, during my
sojourn, or sogerin (gis as you mind to call it), in dis
wicked world, and whale ob tears.

Fried clams am berry good in dere place, and dere place
am in de stumjack ob de human body. But oh, my poor
ignumrunt frens, nolege am better. Clams puff you up, and
make you feel mity big in your pusson — but nolege goes to
de hed, and de more you hab ob it, de lighter it seems — de
more you noe, de less you tink you noe. Clams vanish in a
day, but nolege sticks in your head like a chesnnt bur to a
cow's tail. Derefore jdn see de tilulity ob fillin de hed as
jrell as de stomjack.

My Dseal unquenchable thirst fur nolege hab led me to
contemplate sum tings fur splainificashun dis ebenin, dat
may strike 'pon your emty nolege boxes as bein queer.

I shall introcumduce to your notice on dis 'portant cai-
shun, one ob de liveliest and most industrious fellers in dis

324

EI.ACK DIAMONDS.

kommunity, and one which I noe you hab spent hours in
constant sarch arter, so curious was you to find 'em. I
shall derefore, widout leaf or licence, tell you all I noe 'bout

DE FLEA.

De flea, my frens, am one ob de most curious suckers in
de world, as his history will fully probe. He belongs to de
species ob de politishun, de elemfent, de grasshopper, de
porkepine, and de soger man.

Dere am , nobody nose 'zactly whar he cum frum, nor
whar he am a gwane to — but ebery body nose when he am
present, and dats all dey noe 'bout him.

When Mr. Noah bilt he Ark, and took in a hemale and
shemale ob ebery kind ob beast and fowls, he muss hab for-
got to take de flea abord, or else de picture books lies like
a Jew-pedler, kase I've bin a sarchin dem all ober fur to
find him 'mong de odder animals agoin in de Ark, and he
ain't dar.

Derefore it am naturally infused dat Massa Noah eder
dident want to be trubbled wid de costomer, or else he
coodent kotch him to take aboard. I guess finally he was-
ent dar at all, kase in all de 'counts I hab read 'bout dat
xpedishun ob Massa Noah wid de Ark, I neber see his name
menshuned. Den de natural inquiry am — whar did he cum
frum ? I will tell 'you. He cum out ob de saw-dust, fur it
am a Well none fac, which almoss ebery carpenter and odder
foolosfers will tell you, ef dey nose it, dat hemlock saw-dust
will breed fleas. Ef you fill a little bag wid saw-dust and
lufiF it lay whar de sun and rain will hab full power 'pon it,
you will see de liveliest bag in 'bout free weeks, dat you eber
seed, and as far at a distance as you kan keep frum it, de
better it will be fur your peace and quietness.

I say dese tings unto you, me mysefi". I said de flea be-

THE FLEA. 325

longed to de specie Politishun. Wharefore ? yea will ax ; I
will splain. De politishun and de flea am alike, kase you
don't noe whar to find edev ob dem. "Dey bop, skip, and
jump 'bout so, dat dere am no putting your finger on eder
ob dem. De politishun hab bin none to jump frum one
platform to anudder, and show as astonishin agility as de
flea dare do. See de infrence !

He am like de elemfant, kase he karries a trunk, and dis
trunk ob his, am what he uses as a suckshun hose to suck do
blood ob us poor mortals — he runs it in de pours ob de skin,
gis like de fireman puts his suckshun hoses into de water, and
den he goes to work, and ginerly lebes wid his trunk full ob
de licker ob life. He am fifty times stronger den de elem-
fint, kase he kan jump more den a hundred times he lenf,
and dats what de elemfant kan't do no how he can fix it.
Woodent Mister Elemfent look nice a tryin to jump ober
Trinity Church ? What a row it wood kick up in Broad-
way 1 Woodent folks stare 1

De jumpin qualities ob de flea brings him in de family ob
de grasshopper as near as fifty-first cousin. What makes
him a relashun to de porkempine, am de fac dat I discub-
bered fru de Tell-lie-scope, and dat am, dat his body am
cubbered all ober wid little squills at- de jints which stick
up sharp like pints ob needles — and de reason why he am
like a soger man, am bekase his hole body am cubbered
ober wid a coat ob mail, made in jints, gis like de old soger
coats ob male wus made afore de dragoon killed Saint
George, ober dar in Ireland.

De flea am a happy feller, and seems to enjoy his Jimnas-
tick exercises as much as de fellers in silk tights and shirts,
who make a libin by tumblin in de circus on a piece ob
second-hand carpet.

In moral principal de flea am a scoundrel in ebery sense

326 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ob de word. He has no compunkshun in attackin his enemy
when he am asleep, and two fleas .will keep a feller on a
spring bed all nite, and worry him almoss to deff. He is a
backbiter ob de worst character, and deserbes all de smash-
ins he gits fram eberybody. Dere am little none regardin
his moral character, as nobody kan keep his company long
enuff to find it out. It am not none wedder he belebes in
de mariage tie. He may be in fabor ob temperance, but I'll
be sworn on de almanack dat he will take a nip when-
eber he kan git de chance. Dus endef de chapter.

Dere will be a meetin ob de society fur loungin 'round de
Park Fountain and de coal boxes on de corners, in dis room
on Saturday nite nex, to take into 'siderashun de necessity
ob providen winter quarters.

De komitee appinted to foUer de sogers, nie de band, will
report on dat caishun. Dere duties hab bin berry great fur
de lass few days, as de soger companies am berry prebelent
gis now, and dey stand in need ob new boots.

De kommittee pinted by dis kongregasun to see what
kind ob 'bacco I chaw, and what kind ob coffee I drink, will
report as soon as dey confer wid de Bishop Doane Commit;
tee. Luff em cum to question me on dem pints, dats all.

Will Brudder Jemes Jargon Bennet please pass round de
sasser dis time. He hab bin away so long dat all he frens
will like a peep at him.

REFLECTIONS ON POLITICS. 327

LECTURE XCVIII.

reflections on politics.

Fellow Citizans —

As de'lecshum am all ober, and tings hab taken a dif-
ferent turn to what dey used to wus, I tink it am time I had
a few words to spoke to de wite folks bout demseffs — tings
am gittin to sich a pitch — derefore I will call dis lectur de

SECOND PISTOL TO DE NEW YORKERS.

I shall on dis 'tickler 'caishun diwide my subject into seb-
ril pieces, like de Yankees dos de turkey at home at Tanks-
gibbin time, and like Rusha wants to do abroad.

Fustly — After lookin abroad on de university ob natur,
and see how tings grow up in dis world, it makes me laff to
corntemplate de prisumpshun ob you New Yorkers. You
tink you noseraove den odder folks — so you do frum your
gutters. You tink you got de pnttiest city in de kountry —
so you hab ef you take de dirt out ob it, and extract sum
ob de sass frum your omnibus drivers.

Secondly — You tink bekase you hab a free skule on ebery
corner, dat your wisdom am more 'sperior and solid den your
nabors'.

Thirdly— We'll see 'bout dat.

Fourthly — You hab gone and turned out twenty faithful
sufferers fur de cities good, and upset de tea room and spilt
all de tea frum de dummyjohns, gis bekase dey stole de pe-
pil's money, and now yon hab gone and poled in sixty odder

328 BLAdK DIAMONDS.

fellers, who will steal gis forty times as much, bekase insted
ob dere bein atey haus to poke into de public meal-bag, dere
will now be, 'cordiri to de rule ob tree in Dave Ball's rufma-
tic, gis one hundred and fifty. I suffered dat u^ all by my-
self, on de hed ob a barl wid a piece ob stick lass Sunday
mornin on de warf. Now ef you call dat wisdom, I'd like to
know what price de teachers in de free skules git a monf for
dissemblin edicashun and nolege fru de pepil. Common
sense mout hab teached de sober second thoughts ob de wite
folks dat sixty lofers wus more xspensif to keep 'pon public
pap den forty wood be, kase dey am all such big eaters.

Sixly — Whar am all de money cumin frum, to keep all
dese fellers ? Whar will dey all bord ? De tea room am
busted ; de Sitty Hall aint big 'nuff to 'commodate dem,
and derefore dey'll have to sleep in de Stashun House. Now
don't you all tink, on taken a retrograde aspeck of tings,
dat you deserbe a big club wid a bladder on de end ob it,
ober your heds ?

Ninely — I do, ef you don't.

Fifely — You New Yorkers don't noe'inore den you ort to,
no how, and de wust ob it am, you won't lern. When Mr.
Kowshoot, or Cowsnout, or whateber his name wus, de Hun-
gry un, cum here like Yankee Doodle, wid a fedder in his
hat, a ridin on a pony, you formed yourseffs into a kurmittee
ob de hole, and you tort you'd make pollytical capitol out
ob him. You flocked to see him, and ass-corted him tru de
streets all in your soger close, eber so nice. You guv him
dinners and suppers, tree or four times a day — made speech-
es and punches, and killed ostrages at ebery meal you ate —
drinked, danced and blowed up de xcitement till you tort
you had him all moulded to your purpose. You got dollar
sartificates printed, for which you neber paid till dis day,
and sold enny quantity, which munny, togedder wid de tou-

REFLECTIONS »N POLITICS. 329

Band dollars and firty-one cents Brudder Greely gub Mm
frum de pocket ob his old white cote, he quietly took, and
insted ob sain my name am Hains, as de feller did to Massa
Jefferson, he said, " my name am Elick Smifl'," and sloped —
or else he sed, "my name am Elick Slope," and smiffed, I
forgit now which, but it matters not, as de tragedy man al-
ways say.

Twelfly — As soon as you found you coodent use him, you
all went to work to blygurd him ; all de papers cum out
aginst him, and am still heapin insult 'pen his name, gis be-
kase he node too much fur de holl pack ob you.

Sebenfly^— Deres anudder feller comin dat you want to
ass-afy gis de same, so you kan speechefy and git into de
dinner, and git de dinners into you. His name am Kostza,
or Cotchta, and am anudder Hungry-un, who am willin to
live and die one. You ain't satisfied ob makin asses ob
yourseffs once, but want to do de same likewise agin also.
You want to get up a public reception to show off your so-
ger cloze, and set de tax payers a swearin. Ebery Council-
man wants to make a speech for Buncum, and only tink ob
sixty 4:th ob July speeches to him in de middle ob winter,
while putty and peanuts am on de riz daily.

Thirdly — I'm disgusted wid you !

Ately — You send men abroad to brag ob your sitty, and
den luff your own ackshuns belie ebery word your furrin cor--
rispondents say — you are a money seekin pack a set, and
you don't noe nufin else. Siance am a dead letter to "you,
and I mite lectur tiU I'm wite in de face, and you woodent
noe nufin 'bout it den. You got your pollyticks all in a
snarl, so dat a man wid kommqn gumpshun, don't noe who's
who, nor which am what. De Free Soilers say dey am Soft
— soft free soil means mud, derefore dem fellers muss go fur
muddy street?. De Hards I spose wood hab iron houses,

330 BLACK DIAMONDS.

iron pavements, iron bosses and iron konshences. I don't
noe nufin 'bout dem myseff, kase I ain't no pollytick, no
how. I wns standin, on 'leckshun day, a readin a 'leckshun
bill, wid an arm on it wid a hammer in de hand, dat nom-
inated a lawyer fur some orfice, and was a tinkin what dat
workin man's arm had to do wid a lawyer dat wanted a
place, when a wite man sung out to me, " Say, Julius, am
you a Hard or Soft ?" I submit, I didn't noe his full mean-
in, so I told him " boof."

"How kan dat be ?" sed he, right back.

" Why," sez I, " I'm hard 'bout de heel and hed, and soft
'bout de hart and shin."

" Well, what ticket am you gwane to vote ?" axed he,
again foolin me.

" I only wote one way," sez I.

" Which way am dat ?" sed he.

" Pur higher sallary," sez I.

" Do you tink you'll git a majority ?" sez he.

" I don't want none ob dem fellers," sez I ; " I only want
my wages raised ;" and dats de text I want you all to 'Bid-
der 'pon on your way home to-nitei

Fourthly and lastly — Ton Yorkers bild highchnrch ste-
ples ; put a bank to burst on ebery corner, and twelbe tab-
erns on ebery block, and den you. call it de great emporium
ob de new world. It mite wid more truff, be called de gre'at
rumporiwn ob bad licker. Put that in your pipes and suck
it in wid your 'backer.

WUl Sister Panny Pern please pass round de sssser. She
hab got independence and talents 'nuff fur to do ennyting
dats rite in de site ob de lord and man. Besides, dere am a
large number ob de kongregashun dat wood be mity glad to
git a squint at her.

PROF. HAJfNlBAL UOIXG ON A TOUK TO EUROPE. 331

HIGHLY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.

PEOF. JULIUS CfiSAJR ECANNIBAL GOING ON A TOUR
TO EUROPE.

GREAT MEETING.

The " Hall ob Siance," in which the learned and distin-
guished Prof. Hannibal has held forth for the last four
years was densely crowded last night by a large and enthu-
siastic meeting of his congregation. As soon as all the
candles were topped, an aged " brudder " arose in the desk,
and in a tremulous tone, read aloud the following letter
■from the sage and philosopher :

Anty Clawson*B Seller, Noon-time, April, 1854.
BeLDDED t.ams OB MT ELOOK —

It am wid sorrow in my heart, and drefful pain in my limbs, dat I
find mysefi' cmnpell'd to forego de pleasure ob lecturin to-nite to you.
Ob late my helf hab bin as poor as my pockets, and ef I don't git no
better fass, I'll hab to trow up (I don't mean emeticly spoken) my
posishun — or as de preacherman's say, resine my call ober you. De
fac am, I is sinkin in helf and funds daily, and derefore I rite dis to
say dat ef you is not sassagefied, you kan git anudder shepherd aa
soon as sou pleese, as I is 'tirly too full ob rumatism and regret to
fulfll my duty towards you. 'Spectfully yours,

J. C^SAB Hankibal.

On the readin of this touching letter from the aged Pro-
fessor, a young brudder behind a ruffle shirt and a large
moustache, arose, and addressed the congregation in the
following strain :

332 black diamonds.

"Bruddekn and Sistern —

Fur de fuss time in my life, I rise to si^eak in public, but
dis is sich a 'strordinavy 'caishun, dat I wood feci as guilty
as ef I had stolen a sheep, ef I war to set still and not gub
my voice in favor ob doin sumfin to help our worthy friend
and distructor, Brudder Hannibal. For de lass four jeers,
we hab sat under his weakly teaehin, and all muss admit
dat he has unlocked he dai'k lantern ob siance, and luffed de
full lite refulgintly fall 'pon our heds. He hab labored till
he am sick wid disease, and haff ded wid de rumatism.
Derefore I say unto you, in de language ob de Pos'le Napo-
leon, ' Let's go in and do sumfin fur him to help him out ob
he trubbles,' " saying which, he used a very large white
hankerchief in relieving the probosis, and sat down.

Then an aged sister arose (whose name we learned to be
Aunty Belcher), and in a very animated tone, thus address-
ed the assemblage :

" Ain't you a putty set ob niggars, to luff dat good ole
man lay dere in dat seller, doubled up like a jack-knife wid
de rumitism, when you. all got 'nuff to eat, and mor'n 'nuff
fur your own good, to drink. You young fellers dats got
money 'nuff to go ronn rasin de debil and eatin fried clams
ebery night, why don't, you shell out and do sumfin terable
fur de ole man ? I'll bet a half dollar chunk, dat I done
more fur him se"hce he'm bin sick, den enny odder sister in de
crowd — but I don't go and blow 'mong de gossipers and
back-biters what I do. What I do, I do, and dats my bizness
I kan only say I blush fur you all, wid all de cullar I
got.

Let's be up and doin, as de bumble bee sed to de tumble
dumb beatle. Much as I hate de hull race ob hemale man,
as I offin told de poor ded and gone Peter Belcher, I'd only
like to be a man fur that old bennerable man's sake fur 'bout

PROF. HANNIBAL GOING ON A TOUR TO EUROPE. 333

two days, or two days and a haff, I'd show you ole slow
coaches wat cood be doue."

She had scarcely taken a seat, when a middle aged
" brudder " mounted the desk and said :

"Ladies and Gemstoji—

I spose I got a right to spoke on dis question. Ef eny
ob you doubt it, I'll gis tell dem smack in de teef dat I hab
paid as much as eny odder member ob dis 'siety, to keep de
ole Professor at our helm. Now I got somfin to say 'bout
dat man dat you will all deter in ef you got common sense.
In de fuss place you all know dat he hab done more to frow
a hello 'round de kullar man, den eny cullard man libin."

Several voices — " here, here, good."

Speaker — " Shut your mouf, or I will mine — it don't
make no difference to me which closes, only I won't be in-
terrupted. .1 wus gwane to say dat Prof. Hannibel am de
moss siantificest man wat am, and I go in fur gettin him on
he feet agin widout alio win him to do no more work. How
is it wid de_ preacher mans ? When enny ob dem gits de
brown-kritters in de troat, or de yeller ganders in de back,
or a bile on de panorama ob de stomjack, de fuss ting am a
woyage to Urope. Now I'd like to ax dis kongregashun ef
our ole belubed Professor ain't as good as eny ob dem fel-
lers — he may not be, spiritly speakin, but as a bodily subjick,
I say he am. Derefore I offer dis rebulushun to de crowd.
I rit it myseff, and derefore I better read it myseff.

Resolbed, dat wharas our ole and long 'suspected shepherd
hab bin sick and laid up on de shelf like a pair ob skates in
August, for de lass six monfs, and wharas we look 'pon him
as one ob de lites ob de age, in de dark walley ob sciance,
we, his fellow citizens and members ob his 'siety fur de
'spresshun ob ignumrence and elewashun ob useless nolege

334 BLACK DIAMONDS.

and fandimental sciance, do hereby pledge ourseff to raise
'fishent fands to send him to TJrope, and that he goes forf-
with directly immediately."

Three cheers were here given by the people. The speaker
contioued —

" Now, my frens, dare am a fuss-rate chance to send de
Professor wid a frend ob his. I larned lass nite dat de
Editor ob de Picayune, who also hab bin sick a long time
likewise, and who stops writein fur de benefit bb he helth
and his reders, am a gwane to TJrope on a tower ob obser-
washun."

Voice — •" He'd better go in a ship, I tink."

Speaker — ■" I am sure he will see to his gittin a passage
on de same ship wid him, as a sort ob left hand kompanion
and general philosopher. And den, my frens, see what
adwantage his trip ^ill be to us. He will hab more sciance
and knowledge to kommunicate den wood fill a sugar hogs-
head. We would be de gainers by it, Fur he would tell sich
lots bout all he sees on de odder side ob Jordon. Shall we
send him or not- — dats de question 1"

Here the enthusiasm knew no bounds — the whole house
rose and cheered, and waived their hats and handkerchiefs,
and cries of " yes," " yes," came from every quarter.

Speaker — "I mobe de kollecshun be started das nite.

Sister Belcher — "I second de moshun."

Young man in ruffle shirt — " I fird it."

Speaker — "It am mobed and second dat the kollecshun be
started to-nite. All dose in favour ob dat fac, and de pintin
of myseff, Brudder Cowlip, Brudder Longheal, Brudder
Highrump, Siste^Biglip, Sister Belcher, Sister Platsmeller,
and Sister Anty Clawson, as a kommitte to raise de balance,
will pleese say I "

Speaker — •" Carried without a cornsenting voice. Now I

THE RESOLUTION. 335

mobe dat de sense and de rebolushun ob dis meetin be
carried to-nite to de old man."

Unanimously carried.

The collection was taken up by the speaker, who on this
occasion, used his hat, and the meeting dismissed.

LECTURE XCIX.

THE RESOLUTION.

Children ob Siance —

A CHICKEN pot-pie dinner, wid mince pie fixing, cood-
eiit a bin more acceptable to your poor worn-out shepperd,
den de recete ob your kind rebolution, wich you passed at
your lass meetin. Your inwitation to go off to Urope on
a sea-woyage, hab cheered up my old wedder-beaten and
most broken heart, and sent a frill ob joy clar doun in my
stockins. Ob all tings in dis world dat I hab wished, wus
to be able sum day to cross de briery deep, and see old Mas-
sa Neptnn, a riden on a see hoss, attended by a plattoon ob
maremaids, a dashin de wabes each side ob he chariot, wid
a five tined pitchfork. I am told dat Urope am full ob
siance, and all dat it wants to bring it out in full and fulgent
glory, am a man wid brane abure de ordinary calender to
pint out its beauties. I can assure you all, dat ef dar am
enny siance worf knowin, I'll find it out and s|)lain de hole
ting, as plain as a pictur on a tea-bord.

As soon as I git your rebolushun, and felt sartain dat
I wus sure to be gwane, I mediately writ a note to de Edi-
tor ob de Picayune in de followin strain :

336 BLACK DIAMONDS.

" Anty Clawsons's, Most Nite.
" Dear Sir — De members ob de 'Siety fur de 'spresshun ob igno-
rence and elewasbuu ob useless nolege, and fundimental Siance, whose
teacher I am, as you am aware, hab, iu consequence ob my long and
severe sickness, konclnded to make up a puss to send me to tJrope
fur de benefit ob my institushuu. And larnin in a direct way dat you,
wishin a laxashua fur your own benefit, hab taken passage furde toun
ob Urope, derefore I ax you, as an old frend, to endebber to git me
a passage on board de same ship wid you. You noe my 'stinguished
position here, and I feel it woodent be loweriu myseffa bit to go wid
you. Ef you will name de ship you intend goin in, I will do my
bess to honor it wid my kumpany.

•■' Yours mitysiok,

" Peof. J. CssAE BUnnibal."

To dis note I recebe dis reply :

" Prof. Hannibal — Dear Sir — I should be rather pleased than oth-
erwise with your company on my intended tour to Europe, as I ma;^ be
enabled to extract much scientific knowledge from your 0¥er-stocked
brain, on the passage. I intend to sail in the ship " Sunny Side,"
Capt. Adams, laying at the foot of Pine street.

" Truly yours, Ed. of Picayune."

De day arter I git dis note I feel mity proud, and I rode
doun to de aforesaid ship, and sure 'nuff, I fonnd her 'tirely
new frum stem to starn. I crept up de ladder at de side,
and ax fur de Captain. A gemmon cum up to me, and ax
me what I wanted.

" Captain Adams," sez I.

" Well, sir, here I am," said the gemmon.

" What," says I, " you de Captain ?" You see I wns
sprised beyond all bribulashun at his 'pearance. I spected
to see him in wite trowsers, wid he shirt hangin ober de top
ob dem, wid a tarpolen hat on he hed, and a big spy-glass
in he hand, gis like I seed de ship captain in de theatre, dat
nite I go dar to study character — and on seein him widout

THE RESOLUTION. 33 1

no big whiskers, nor spy-glass, nor tarpolen, put gis dressed
np in close like shore pepils, it stonished me, and I looked
at him wid all de eyes I had in my hed, and specks too. As
soon as I recubber myseff a little, I made de obserwashun
dat I wus glad to find him a desendent frum de fuss family.
Dat de Adams wus de fuss on record on spectability.

He smiled, and sed " Yes."

Dat kinder made us familiar, and I ax him ef I cood hab
a passage on bord his ship, as an old frend ob mine and de
fun lubbin public, wus a gwane wid him, and I'd like to see
Jorden wid him.

" We can give you a steerage berth," sed de Captain.

"De steerage," sed I, " dat muss.be in de hind part ob
de ship, nie unto where de nlan stands dat steers ship,
arn't it ?"

" Not zackly," sed he, as he turned to de cook, a young
cullard man, and ax him to show me de steerage.

I soon cum to be 'quainted wid de cook^he herd ob me
ofin — so I eluded to bunk wid him on de woyage. We went
all ober de ship, and I found de royal poop deck in de rite
place. De jib-boom w^us dere too, and so wus de royal top
gallan main sheet. De sknddin sail booms war all dar also,
and dar wus de bow-split a stickin rite out like Horace
Greeley's principles. De hen-coop was rite, too. De main
jib-boom, top sail tenor reefs and cross-sticks war all lashed
to de stanupsticks. Ebery ting looked done up as nice as a
sore shin in de Hospital — and as I liked de looks ob de hole,
kraft, I made a bargain wid de Captain afore I cum away.
I told him dat de kommittee wood call and square de yards
— I tort I put de .sailor to him at once-.

So now, my frens, you pursebe dat it am all fixed, and I
sail in bout o.ie week, ef you fellers don't back out wid de
money.

15

338 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Afore I go, let me warn you all how you behabe your-
seffs — don't luff me find, when I cum back, dat you all bin
raisin de debbil, and brakin tings bout.toun. Do keep
abuve sich tings, luff de wite trash do it, but you keep out
ob scrapes.

Ef it am de Lord's will to send me back to yon, I will hab
more to tell you den all de gossip eber had. I shall see
Mrs. Cobugg, de Queen ob de British — and all de Lords and
Ducks, and de rest ob dem fellers in red welwet cloaks, wite
fedders and flowin ribbons, and yellow high bootes wat we
see in de theatre.

DeuT^ shall cross de canal ober'dar, and see de frog-eat-
ers and de soges. I'll- go see Mons. King Napoleon, at de
fooleries, or Tnlteries (gis which eber you like), den I'll see
de fields ob Elishea, and all dem tings. Folks pear to tink
I shall hab difucalty in gittin along in Paris, on count ob
de language, but I don't fear it, as I noe sebril French die-
lect, ef not more — so you needent be trubbled bout me on
dat count.

I recebe sebril inwites to cum to tea, frum sum ob de sis-
ters, all ob. which I will tend to ef ole John R. Rheuma-
tism will let me.

Ob corse I want dis letter read to de kongregashun, and
as I shall frum time to time rite you pistols frum abroad, I
may as well on dis caishun, pint Brudder Samewell Ledder-
pate, who kan rede and rite, to rede dem to you frum de
time-honored desk ; he will call a meetin wheneber he gets
a letter. All I kan say in 'clushun am, let de kolleckshun
succede.

Tours, in Siance,

J. C. Hannibal.

THE PROFESSOR GOES TO EUROPE. 339

THE PROFESSOR GOES TO EUROPE.

packing up of carpet bag his vote ov thanks.

Blubbed Sinners —

As de ship in which I is to cross de briery deep will
start in 'bout a nour wid me on bord, I Oiuss be brief (as
Jack de Giant-killer sed to de Giant when he cut off his
hed), wid dis letter. In fac, I hab only time to tank you
all indiwidually and pussonly, fur de menny kindness and
presents bestowed 'pon me.

Sebril have sent to me fur my autograph, and I is sorry
I habent time to set fur it, or I wood send one to all who
mout wish it. Dere hab bin sich a call fur locks ob my har,
dat in one week I found my hed sheared as close as a sheep
just arter sheerin time — in fact, it's clipped so tight dat I
kan scarcely shut my eyes to go to sleep — and one low cul-
lard man on de wharf, \^hile I was gubbin orders 'bout my
baggage, ax me ef I war trainin fur a prize fite. Dat made
me mad, and I sed no more har goes off dis ole hed now bow.
So all dem sisters dat dident get no har, hab got to do wid-
ont har, fur I muss stop de. rabages to preserbe de crop.
It seems dat ebery ting I got, am looked 'pon as a curiosity.
Massa Barnum rites to me fur a suit ob my ole close to put
in a glass case, in de Museum. I is sorry I onlj' got one
suit to my back, or he cood hab it. I happened to hab an
ole pair ob boots, which de koogregashun gub me second
hand 'bout two yeers ago, and I sent him dem— so you
fellers kan look out fur dem. Now you all see de penalty

340 BLACK niA5I0N"nS.

ob bein a grate and populus man. Dere am no noein, in
case I cood raise a new suit ob clos.e, what my old close
wood bring at aucshuu. by de piece.

I hab to axknowledge menny presents to make me con-
fortable on de woyage. One brudder sends me a big second-
hand tin bason, and sez I'll find more need ob it fur de fust
week I'm out, den ennything else I got. He accompanies
it wid a bottle of brandy, which he ses always follows its
use. He tells me in a perlite note not to be afraid ob it, as
all temperance societies am null and woid durin sea sickness.

I hope de foUowin pussons will except my tanks fur de
foUowin tings :

Aunty Belcher, fur two bottles ob brandy, a shillin worf
ob doe-nuts, and a mince pie ; Sister Florindia Pacilia
Gemima Ferningham, fur tree jars ob sweet-meats, two pair
of socks, a pocket handkershief, and a jugob root beer ;
Sister Kate Lutts fur a dozen biled crabs, and hafif a dozen
biled eggs wid salt.

Sister Rosemary Prenalla Childfield, fur twenty-five fried
clams in a carpet-bag.

Brudder Pete Clawson fur a dog, a pound ob crackers,
and a jewsharp.

Brudder Hyatt, de shirt man, fur a blue, red, and wite
ruffle shirt, to 'pear afore de Queen in, also a wite neck-cloth
to wear on dat 'portant 'caishun.

Sister Bets Green fur a bushel ob raw clams in de shell.
I antisipate much luxery wid dem when I git in de gulp
streme.

And lass, doe not least, my tanks am due to' sum stranger
who sends me a kork screw, a bottle of Mustang Liniment,
a box ob pills and sura syrup of sassafarillay, sasagefax, and
gum humfry root fur de rumatism.

My lastin tanks am also dew to Brudder Elemuel Gusta-

FIRST EPISTOl. FROM 'UROFE. 341

Tus Porkfoot, fur de fine toof comb and razor strap he sent
by male frum Boston.

Dats, all I belebe I got to be tankful fur in dis world frum
frens. I hab berry little time left now to say nofin to you
'bout your latter ends. I is gwane away now, and I hope
when I cum back, to be as well agin as possible. All de
siteg I see, I will tell you about, so dat -de lite ob siance and
universal nolege will shine in your dark paffs tru life. Now,
all be good children, and recollect dat de Almighty am de
fadder of ns all, and see dat you do a child's duty to him.
Good-bye till you hear frum me frum de odder side ob Jor-
den, eder through de spirit-rappers or odderwise. Yours,
stepin abord ship,

J. C. Hannibal.

FIRST EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE.

^ 'Uhope, London, July, 1S54.

Mt long niglected Flock—

I SPECK some ob you, speshily dose who had only a
promiscus akquaintance (vid me, begin to tink, by dis time,
dat I hab forgotten you altogedder and wasn't neber no
more a gwane to rite to you ; but dose dat nose me better
nose me best. De reason 9at I hab not epistolized to you
befo'e am bekose I bin so bizzy wid de Lords and Ducks, de
nobility and sich like, in England, dat I haben't had time to
haflf comb my har, luff alone rite to such trash as you fel-
lars. When I allow myseff to tink ob de contrass betwene
you low wite and black commoners obber dar and de pepil
I Bwasheate wid here, my nose inwolentarily turns up as
much as its flatness will permit. I don't noe dat I shall

342 BLACK DIAMONDS.

ebber come back to you agin, for I lede a berry different
life here to what de scrapins ob de sasser wood allow me to
hum. I speck to git a wite wife afore de winter's obber, for
mind I call you, a darkey am considered some in dese dig-
gins ; but I will splain dat fac in a future period, and as I
is commenced to write to you, I may as well as not begin at
de beginnin' ob my ^o'age and splain tings as I got long.

Well den to begin. You all nose when I left de warf on
de 19 ob April, just as de bell in de soup house rung for
dinner. Well, we bore down de bay as cheerful an& as light
as a butterfly in de sunshine. De passengers war a talkin
wid dere frens on de poop deck, who war gwane to see dem
off, and lebe dun at Staten Island. De stars and stripes whor
a flyin' at de stearn. De pilot was a gubbin orders to de
man at de big weel what's fast to de seller door, a swingin'
on behind to turn de ship round wid. De captain was a
pullin' off his go to meetin cloze and a puttin' on a free dol-
lar and a half suit. De mate was arrangin' de watches Qb
de crew — so de steward sed — but I didn't see not one watch
'mong de hole ob dem. De steward was bizzy gittin up
dinner, and I sat alone on deck. No frens come to lebe me
at Staten Island, and put me to de 'xpense ob a dinner on
bord — so defe I sat cogitatin and foolosifizein.

Putty soon all de wite folks set down to dinner, and all ob
dem eat and drink all dey cood, and gub toast 'bout " safe
return" and all dat sort ob ting. While dey was eatin' "New
York, begin to grow smaller and smaller, fust de men on de
, warf turned into boys and de horses to dogs, den de fust
fell to babies' and de odder to poodles ; den de steeples an^
de masts ob de ships at de warfs all begin to git muxed up
togeddir as tick as ingin meal in a hoe cake ; den it all begin
to go duwn in de water, and it gradually sunk in de bay wid
only here and dere a steeple dat stuck up like a big handle

FIRST EPrSTUL FR.IU 'l'ROPE. 343

for some big giant to pull de city up again wid. All d|js
time we was bein' towed wid. de tugg, not a sail had been
stuck out. After dinner de tugg come long side and de frens
jumped abord, some a lafBn, some a cryin, and some as grabe
as an owl full ob huckelberrys.. Soon as de tugg was gone,
de steward ax me in de caboose to dinner, but my heart was
too full ob good-bye to eat, so I took my seat near de car-
buncle, and kept under de American iag (where all good
men can set down in peace) and watched de movement ob
tings all round me. Now de captin was up to he eyes in
biziness. He stood on de poop and sung out to de men to
luff go de royal stilyards, hellyards and tanyards, and splice
•de main brace ; den be wanted all de royal top balance sails
set, and de^ he gub dem orders to squar demseffs. All dis time
de hind quarter and de fore quarter ob dB ship was a tryin'
dere best to see which cood dire -deepest in de water and go
up de highest in de air ; at fust I tort it was fun, and tort
de bows had de best ob it, when I noticed dat de sides ob
de ship had commenced de same game, and den it was down
stern to up bows, and down bows ^nd up stern, for ebber so
long. Presently my watching de fun kinder made me dizzy,
and putty soon de stripes on de iag begin to blow like a
corkscrew, and de stars seemed to snap and crack, and it
seemed to wind itseff around my head till 1 coodn't hold it
up no longer. T sung out for my frind de steward, who said
I was sea-sick, but I node better, and I told him so ; he,
howeber, helped me to my birth and a tin pan, both ob
which I clung to wid eagerness. I can't tell you zackly how
I felt, but I tort at one time dat my stomjack had been
turned into a swill barrell and somebody was a stirring it up
wid a long stick, which stick was in my troat and I coodent
git it up. If enybody had jis den picked me up by de heels
and a quietly trade me ober-bord, I wood say nofin but,

344

BLACK DIAMONDS.

" tank you, sar." I liab heerd ob fellers habin tings trowed
up in dere teef, and felt > bad bout it — de Lord nose I had
nuff trowd up in my teef dat time, and I fplt like trowin up
teef and all. I jus come to de 'elusion dat gwane to sea am
annodder impersition practiced upon dis community dat I
must look into — and I was den in a fair way to look into it
and feel into it too.

. De fust nite wore away, but de next mornin' it was wuss.
About daylight I hear somfin out doors go whoo-whoo vihoo-
00 — flap, flap t went de sails — -creek, squeak ! went de masts
dat stick up in de ship, and creake ! creake ! skreem ! s-k-r-e-n
.went de old ship herseff, as she begin to rare and pitch like
a baukey horse. " What's de matter ?" ax I as loud as I *
cood holler. " Lay still, you bloody niggar !" said an ole
sailor. " We're m a gale, and want all land-lubbers in bed."
Now dere was confusion. De captin run on de poop and
sung out, " haul down de main sheets." At dis a young
lady in lier berth screacbed out to know if de main sheets
war on her bed, and she fainted. Another old lady, when
de captin ordered all hands aloft to reef top stalls, begged to
be excused as she didn't feel well enough to stir. I stagger-
ed up to de hatchway to see whar de danger war, when a
wave ob de sea come kersouze all obber me, and floted mo
back agin. All de passengers was now heavin, and as if dat
wasn't enough, de captin gub orders for de ship to heave
too, and she hove too. De hen coop broke loose, and de
chickins went to cackilin — de mate went to swarein — de wind
howled— de rain fell — de men swore — de captin yelled — and
you best believe I wished myseff baCk in Anty Clawson's
seller, however humble it mout be.

But dere is no use ob my dwellin' on dis disagreeable sub-
jick — like everything else, even a bad sermon, it had an end.
At last my woyage had an end, and so must my letter dis

SECOND EPISTOI. FROM 'UROPE. 345

time. My receptun in 'Uurope, and my short comeins and
long-goings, will form a text for my nex. Good-bye.
Yours, in de cause ob

Siance and Nolage,

Julius C^sar Hannibal.

SECOND EPISTOL PROM 'UROPE.

Sheeps ob my Flock ob de Pole :^-

It wus a day in lubly May when I 'ribed in Loudon
— it wood a bin like a May day in de States ef it had bin
warm 'nnflf, and it hadent a rained all de time ; de sua
'peared to be ashamed ob sich conduct, for he neber showed
he face de hole day — I woodent a none from eny xtornal
sarcumstances dat surround de horison ob my wision dat it
was de twenty-fibth ob May if it hadent a bin for de blessed
almynack, dat I always carry for reference to de wedder,
and 'how to take ink o^ut ob linen.' Dat good ole book
put me riie in spite ob ober coats and numberellers.

As our goodly ship neared de city, I found dat my comin
ober had bin telegraffed by de under Atlantick line, and
dat my hourly expectation was looked for wid impunity. I
kinder looked fur some public demonstrashun to be shown
me, but, my dear lams, judge ob my surprise wea I hear
my approach herelded wid de blazeandry ob cannon from
de Naby ships in de downs and all along de channel, till I
reach de city. Here I found all de sogers out and flags a
flying in all directions. You mout bet your dinner wid
safety to your stumjack dat I felt proud ob de compliment
and de 'caision, and puUin off my ole wite hat like Jineral

15*

346 BLACK DIAMONDS.

Jackson did when he landed by de Battery, I walked in de
city in front ob de sogers. I hadent bin walkin dar long
befo'e I noticed dat I wus looked 'pon as a queeriosity, like
de alagator in the Museum, and putty soon a feller in blue
close wid wite buttons, behind a ledder stock, walked up to
me under a hat bound round on de ages wid patent» ledder,
and sez he to me, sez he :

" Your a stranger 'ere, I perceiye, sir, and it mont be
you don't know that your a breakln von ob de r.egelations
ob de military to be valkin 'ere ; you must come hoff from
there or I must take you hoff."

" Why, wbo be you ?" I 'dignently axed, " dat you dar
'proach a furrin gemman in dat style — it's next door to a
consult !"

" I'm number 495, 1st section," answered de man.

" Section ob what !" I naterly axed.

" Section ob police," said he, as stubbern as a nigger wid
de sulks.

"Well," sez I, wid all the fire ob'my natur, "your a
pretty police to come up and coast me in dis kind ob style —
don't you nose me ? Don't yon nose, you nignumrampus,
dat I am Professor Hannibal, from ole Warginny, but more
recently from New York, in de biggest country on de
globe ! Don't you nose," continued I, warming up wid de
subjick, and a heaby ober coat, " dat all dis parade, all dis
firin, and all dis display ob flags am for me, kase I come to
trow lite on de cause ob Sciance, and run down America ?
Ef you don't know it afore, luff me dispell your benited
ignumrance and tell you dat's de fac !" At dis de feller
begin to laff, and sed he hadent the least idea ob it.

" I mout spected as^much," sed I, " when I refleck on de
ignumrence ob a nashun widout public skules."

" See 'ere, my dark friend," returned de policer, " I'm

SECOND KPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. 341

afraid I'll hev ter hintroduce yer to the keepers of the
Lunatick mad house establishment ; you don't seem to be
altogether right under the hat."

" What makes you tink Ise crazy ?" axedl in'stonishment.

" Why, to 'ear you talk sich nonsence as you do, about
this 'ere parade, as the firin ob de cannon and the flyin ob
the flags, wus all intended for you."

" Why, in de name ob all dat is sciantific, wat is all dis
fuss kicked up fur, if not fur me, sa-ay, ain't I 'ribed ?"
mildly inquired I.

" Yy, for hour beloved Queen — you hold fool, don't yer
know it's 'er birth day, and it's aller^^ hobserved by a
demonstrashun ? And, hold feller, we'd show you a sight
as you'd remember to go 'ome and tell, if the harmy
wusn't gone hoff to fight the Rushers I"

Well, when he told me dat, I felt de staTch go rite out
ob my shirt collar, and felt it wilt — I felt as cheap as tree
cents a haff a peck, and I come to de 'elusion dat I'd bin
sold ; so to end de matter I axed de policer in to take a drop
ob " Barclay's entire." He took a quart, and he and I was
sworn frens eber sence. He scorched me to a lodgins, and
gnb me all de inflammation he cood 'bout tings in general.

When I went fur lodgins, de ole lady at fust sed to de
policer dat she hadent a spar room in de house, but as soon
as she see me she changed her mind.

" Are you one ob thim poor hoppressed people Mrs.
Butcher Store has so beautifully wrote on, from that bar-
berous savage country. North America ?"

"Yes mum," sez I, wid an eye to de lodgins, and seein
she was one ob de rite kind fur me to lib in klober wid.
"* " Well," sez she, puttin on her specks, " in de name ob
heaven, 'ow did you git away from them — 'ave you bin beat-
en much, or branded wid 'ot hlrons, dolet's look at you."

348 BLACK DIAMONDS.

I frankly tole de ole woman dat I wasn't much hurt, and
hoped to find a silum under her hospital roof.

" You shall. 'ave the best room in de 'ouse," returned she ;
" there's honly a poor newspaper editor got it now, and 'e
must take the hattiek room till you leave, or he must leave
altogether, I don't care which."

I tanked her for her preference and due 'preciation ob de
cullered man, and was shown to de room. I was not long
in unpacking my wardrobe from de crown ob my hat, and
makin myseff at home. How de editor and de ole woman
settled 'bout de room I neber node, all I heard 'bout it was
bout ten a clock de same night. I hear a voice, goin up

stairs in big shoes, say — "I'm d d if I'll stand it, to be

turned out of my own room for a runaway buck nigger ; I'll
show her in the morning 1" Dat's de lass I heard ob it ; ef
he did show her its more dan he did heseff, fur he nebber
showed heseflf to me.

In one day it got noised round de naborhood dat I wus
riv, and de letters ob inwatations and de nabors flocked in
from all quarters. I had inwite, de fust ting, to lecture at
de Eggeaters' Hall in de Strand, de greatest temple ob
Abolishunism and Deism in all 'Urope. I got inwite too,
from Mrs. Victoria Coburg, de Queen, to wisit her at de
Buck ob Dukeinham's Palace in St. Jeemes's Park, all ob
which I must refer to my next, kase dis letter hab grown
too long already. Gub my lub to Anty Clawson and Cudjo
Cowsnout. Remember me to de Sewing Siety, and de Clam
Soup Kummittee fur next winter, and don't forgit to pass
round de sasser under no sarcumstance whatsomdever.
Tours in klbber

Julius C^sar Hannibal,
S. A. N. Sarcher Arter Nolage.

THIRD EPISTOL FROM 'UBOPE. 349

THIRD EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE,

BluBED SciPL"ES-r-LAMS OB DE PoLE :

De reson dat you hear from me so often am bekase
I keep on ritein all de time. When udder shepards come
abroad dey always rite home to dar congregation wedder
dey got annyting to say or not, an' I don't see but what I .
got jis as good a rite to say nuffin in free full f(^ols ob sheet
cap as dey has. If enny ob you see annyting you don't jis
zackly like in my letters, why you know you can lebe de
congregation and make all de noise wid your big feet you kin
on goin out. Who cars for dat. You needn't tink to put a
bridle on my tongue for no sich sallary as de sassar affords
me. Dar, you got it now — chaw pon it and if you don't
like, spit it out.

When I luff off in my last pistole to you, I was in
logins. De next day, I started to go and find de man
dat hires de close in which furriuers hab to dress up
to be presented at kort. Well, arter sarchin up and
down de treet and gittin' a haff a dozen policers to read
de kard wid de adress 'pon, I at lass found de place, de man,
and de close at de same time. De gemmou war berry perlite
and I found no dificulty in flttin my shape.

Kort dident set dat nite, or in odder words, Mrs. Coburg,
de Inbly Queen dident recebe company till free nights arter ;
you see kort sets wid de gentry in de nite time, so I made 'a
rorntact wid de gemnion to send de close to my logins so I
cood dress up dar and go up to de Duckingham Palace in
full glory and a handsome cab. He said I must present my

350 , BLACK DIAMONDS.

^letters ob introcumducshun, if I had etiny to de nobility,
before de nite in dispute. So when I got home I looked
'mong my crimdentals and dar I fouud two, one from de
kommittee to de Lord High Chandiler — de man what fur-
nishes de Palace wid can\iles, and one to de Areb Beship of
Cranberry, and as neider was sealed I took de liberty ob
readin em ober afore I took em to de gemmon. As some ob
you may not hab met wid ^ kommittee afore I started, and
derefore cood not had hurd it, I will send you a copy ob
one dat all may noe what perfect bricks dat kommittee

New York, April 10, 1854.

Rev Gkand High Arch Beship ob Ckanbeery.

Dear Sur — Allow us, de kommittee on de hole, to induce
to your faber and table, our dearly belubed and highly 'steam-
ed shepard Prof. Julius Caesar Hannible, who hab labored
dese fibe years in de kans ob siance and transgression. You
am no dout fully quainted wid his Lectures by dis time, and
noe how hard he hab labored to dispel de cobwebs ob ignum-
rance from de inner chamber ob de darkened intelleck ob
mankind. He hab worked so hard in de kaus, dat he hab
worn out two desks wid his fist, and de fird am now quakin
in de seams. Dis labor ob lub, ob corse, yov, will 'predate.

De kommittee trusts dat yon will xkuse dem for sendin
de Professor to you, but noein you to be de hed ob de
church and de wite gown fellers, and feelin you must take
an interest in siance, we pack him up direct to you, hopin
you will induce him to de Queen, Prince Albert, and de
r6st ob de Royel Family. If you could pervail on him to
Lectur before de Queen she wood be ready to -say wid us
dat he am sum pumpkins. Hopcin when he dines wid you
dat you will see dat he don't git drunk (for it disagrees wid

THIRD EPI6T0L FROM 'UROPE. 351

him awfully), and you may enjoy piece and felisity, we
subscribe ourseffs your humble servants. ■
Bros. Pete Clawson,
Sam'l Lederpate,
Lem Flatsmeller,
Clem Green Spreadfoot,
George Augustice Brown Tomkins Hale

OowsNoni,
Samuel Mark Antoney Lafatette Smith

'Ltjtts, Jr.,
George Washington Benton Napoleon Pitt
Solomon Sampson Lee,
Sisters, Anty Jemimy Clawson,

Ploeinda Percilla Squashem,
Arabella- Florintine Lutts,
Sokey Ann Davison,
Sally Jane Rawdun,

CONSTANTENIA EpHRATUS BeECHER AnN LoNG-

HEEL (darter ob Anty Rachel Longheel,
ob Babalon,-L. Hand).

De truff hab better come out, as de Judge sed to de
teaf, and I is willin to admit afore eny jury dat I war mity
proud when I read dat letter. When I finished it I
jumped into a cab and took, it to de Arch Beship myseff,
and as soon as he read my kerd he was " hat 'ome," so do
feller in breeches and a peck flour on he bed tole me at
de doe,

I found de Arch Beship in a black gown and his studdy ;
studdy was de name on de do'e ob de room he war in, ^nd
dats de way I node it. De Arch Beship was berry kind
and talkatif He was ebedently pleased wid de letter, kase
he laff rite out in two or tree grins at a time, and when an

352 BLACK UIAMU.N'DS.

Arch Beship laff you may bet your pile dar am sumfia ia
de wind. I speclfted lie wood ax me 'bout church matters,
and I was berry nerbus, kase all de church matters I nose
am 'bout de bill due de carpenter for shinglin de skule house
were I lectured on Long Hand lase summer; but I was glad
nuff to hollar rite out loud in de house, when he sunk
de church and spoke 'bout the general prodick ob de
country. " I understand," obserbed de Beship, " all your
lectures, except your allusion to a peculiar kind of soup
which you seem to be very partial to, and which you might
naturally expect at my table ; but which I could not pur-
chase, the materials being unknown in this country, and it
has caused me much anxiety."

"What kind ob soup was it sar ?" ax'd I, 'sposin I had
mentioned some new kind ob soup some time which I met
somewhar.

" Clam soup,'' said he. " Is it any better than ox-tail or
Muligatawny ?"

" Oh yes, indeed," sez I. " If de children ob Israel Put-
nam, when dey war in de wilderness 40 days, hab only had
a few hundred clams, tings would hab been better widdem."

" Where do dey grow ?" ax he.

" All long shore," sez I, " and dar am two kinds, de soft
shells and de hard shells."

■" Oh, I'm very glad you have called upon me,'' said de
Beship, quite animated, "for you have elucidated a point
upon which I have been bothered for years. I did not
know what the American papers meant by 'Hards' and
' Softs,' and was foolish enough to suppose that they were
the names of two political parties ; but now I see they
simply have reference to the peculiar shell of the clam.
Am I right ?"

" Oh yes, indeed," sez I, " you see de lublers ob de

FOURTH EPISTOL FROM 'L'ROPE. 353

' Softs ' am opposed to de lublers ob de ' Hards,' and dar
de fight begins and ends. Be bess people take sides; Presi-
dent, Senator, and Congressmen, am all in de clam ring."

" Dus de Presemdent go fur de hards or de softs 1" axed he.
- " Dats nebber bin found out,'' sez I. De ' softs ' claim
him, but de ' hards ' say he's only foolin dem — dat he's a
hard all ober."

We set and tanked morn a nour on de tings in de States,
and I poured all de information I cood into his hed, which I
trust will be ob use to him. At lass he 'vited me to stay to
dinner, which, arter a few persuashun, I did, but I kant tell
you no more in dis 'pistol, kase I use up all de paper. Gub
my lub to all requiring frens.

POTJRTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPB.

My Beluded Lams and Sheeps :

■I SEXD you anuudder 'pisle frum de Inglish side ob
Jorden, and in doin so agin I resure you ob my lub and
proteckshan. You may some ob you hab nuff stuff in your
hed to recomlect dat in my fuss 'pisle to you I kinder skofi'ed
at de idia ob my comein back to you, and you may recom-
member too dat I hinted hke a broad-toed kick 'bout luggin
in a wite wife. I can only tell my deah sistern, in order dat
dar mines may rest easy in de tin-panum — as we say in Latin
— ob de hed, dat I was only speckelatin, and dat dar am no
truff in de rumor. I'd just gub all dat may come in de
sasser to-nite to Stime charity institushun, if I was only in de
midst ob you, behind dat ole desk a jTOundin de true nolage
ob siance into your coconuts agin ; but while I is here, like
• Mr. Napoleon Bonny-part was at de Hand ob Elbow, in xile,

354 BLACK DIAMONDS.

why I can ouly rite ob tiugS I see till de happy hour comes
when you send me 'fishent funds to satisfy de crawins ob de
human natur in de brests ob de sea captins — so dey will
bring me home high and dry.

I luft off whar I stoped in my lass 'pisle. You luff me I
belebe at de Arch Beship ob Cranberry's, a taukin to him
on a confab 'bout hard clams. Well, to- curtail de ting as
de man did when he bit the pup's tail off, I dined dar on a
dinner dat wood make a Kew York Alderman good natured
for a week, and arter dinner I got his jaomisc to induce me
to de Queen's kort on de foUowin nite.

Accordinly on de followin ebeilin, de close from de feller I
tole you all 'bout who hires dem tings, come, and as good
luck wood hab it, he sent a feller along to dress me up.
Arter two 'ours hard dressin I war reddy — de only ting
'bout de close dat I didn't like was de fack ob de caffs ob
de tites being on de rong side for me. It war right behind
when de fullness ob my caffs am on de outside ob de leg —
some pepel's caffs am in de hed. As soon as ] war reddy I
flung myseff into a cab and . off I started for de Buck ob
Dukeingham's Palace. I rung at de doe and de Royal High
Waiter luff me in as soon as he read my letter from de Lord
High Arch Beship. I had a long train ob royal high fellers
to pass in de hall. Dere was a feller in purpil welwit wid
flour nuff on his head to feed a young family a day. In
fack, dey all went into the flour, and in my pinion, dat's one '
reson flour am so high — kase you know de ole sayin in de
Almack, dat a wilful waiste makes a wofull want, and if dat
aint a wilful waiste ob flour, den my calkalatin apperatus
am out ob de siferin book. I ax'd de royal high waiter who
de fat feller jis named was ; he tole me he was de royal
high Buttler to de Queen. He looked more like a Royal
High Beef-eater to de Butcher. Well, as I passed on^ I

FOURTH EP13T0L FKOil 'UKOPE. 355

incountered de Royal High Boot-black to Prince Halbert,
be Royal High Knife cleaner, de Royal High Footman, do
Royal High Coachman, and he was a Royal high feller, 6
foot 6 in he stockins. Dere were sebeval Royal High odder
fellers stowed round de hall, who, looked as if dey held a
sitewation to drink all de beer dey cood, and see how much
de institushun ob mankind will carry about wid dem wid-
out fallin iu de gutter. Presently I war ushered into a big
room, which beats all de gold and fixins I ebber did see, sich
paintin, gildin, looken glasses, gold furniture, gold chairs,
gold sofas, gold tables, gold shandilers, wid more den ten
tousand lites in dem, and gold ebberyting all pber. When
de door opened de lite and shine come out hke a flash ob
lightnin on a gooseberry bush. It was so bright it made
me wink my eye,' at which an old lady, who was a lookin at
me, smiled and put her fan up to her face. She was de
Royal Dodger, or Dowger, or somfln like dat. All de, fel-
lers in de hall, and in fack, all in de room stared at me as if
dey dident nebber see a cullerd man afore, and I gess dey
dident in dese close and in dis place. Mind I ^11 you, I
wanted to back out as bad as ebber a rat wid his nose in a trap
ebber did in he life. But it war no use; I'd put myseff in de
close. I'd begged and todied to get dar as much as enny odder
republican ebber did, putty near, and I was bound to blaze
for once. When I got fairly into de room, I was astonished
to see de pepil. Dere was de Lord High Chemberlin, who
has charge ob all de chambermades. Dere was Lord Derby,
, de one who was named arter de celebrated race boss by dat
name, Dere was de Chandiler, de candle-maker dat I
spoked 'bout in my lass. Dere was sogers in ebbery kind ob
beauful close, and dere was rambassadors from ebbery
country, in gold and broidered close — some wid wigs and
some -wid not. Near me sat de Duchess of Sunderland,

356 BLACK DIAMONDS.

" Uncle Tom's " friend, and soon as she seed me, she ax all
'bout Mrs. Haireyt Butcher Stowe and Uncle Tom. She
tole me dat de high cheer and gold fixins in one corner ob de
room was de trone, and dat putty soon her Royal Highness
wood enter tended by her mades of honor.

While I was waitin for de show to come off, I ax de
Dutchass who all de different folks was. She node em all.
Dere was nuff Lords, DukeS, Barrens, Dutchasses, and Lord#
Highs, to keep a nation poor for ten senterys. Dey all
bowed to me as dey passed, and if I dident spread nsyseff
dat time den I don't noe how its done — dats all. Dere was
a Royal High band on a big shelf fenced in wid gold bars
in one corner ob de room, and dey played " God sabe de
Queen," and odder libely airs, but not one darkey tune did
dey noe. I pitied dar ignumrence, but it war best, for jia
as sure as dey a started a jig dese ole legs ob mine wood
hab begun to break down in spite ob de debil heself. I felt
jis like it. I had to wait a berry long time before de Lady
Queen made her appearance, and you fgllers will have to
wait a wflek befoe I tell you how she looked or did, kase dis
'pisle am too long now. I larnt de most ob de Lords and
Dukes names present, and if you behabe youscffs I'll send
you a list, for it will be handy in namiu de babies as dey
come young into de world. You best belebe, I'm in high
company now. De Dutchass ob Sunderland hab wited me
to dinner, and I'm a goin — sure ting.

Now, my stingy frens, open your hearts and pockets when
de sassar comes to you for me, for mind me, it takes all I
can rake and scrape to lib here. I kind a feel abub habin
de sassar now a days. When I get home I'll see if somfia
more restarckte,, as we say in French, can't be found fur do •
purpose.

FIFTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. 357

FIFTH EPISTOL FROM 'TJROPE.

Bkuddern Blebers : —

If ole Miller hadent a found out jis zactly when dis
world was a guane to be destroyed and burnt up like de tin-
der in de tinder box, a man ob common sense would Natur-
ally spose dat it was bilt to lass for ebber. When you cum
to zamon de foundation 'pon which it am construed, it
wood 'pear to enny body wid an idia abub a noyster butcher,
dat it were made a purpose to stand. Wedder ole Miller
am rite or not, de folks ober here, speshly dose dat lib in
Dukeingham's Palace, seem to tink it am ^ood for a few
years yet, and hab made 'rangements 'cordingly. Sich pep-
peratious for libin and fixin up to stay I nebber did see, as
is fully apparent on ebbry hand fruout de emens Palace.

Dese solid bits ob reflexshuns crossed de horiseu ob my
mind as I set by de side ob de Dutchass ob Sunderland
awaitin for de Queen and her train to enter de room. You
willrecomlect dat you left me a settin dare at de close ol?
my lass 'pistle. Well, arter settin dare 'bout a nour, de
door ob de anty chamber wus opened, and de lord high cham.
bermaid rushed in, in close, so tite dat he coodent laff, and
raisin a wite stick wid a gould ball on de end ob it, he turned
red in de face wid de effort, but he cood only get out two
werds, and dem werds was — " De Queen." As soon as he
sed dat, dere was a buzzin in de room, like stirrin up a nest
ob bumble bees — fans clattered, silk dresses rattled, laces
fluttered, handkerchiefs flourished, and all rose to dar fe«t
as de grand cortage, or cordage — I forget which am ritsr-

358

BLACK DIAMONDS.

entered de grand hall, which I discribe to your darkened
intellecks lass week. . >

De fast dat come in wus de lord hie chambermaid, a flou-
rishin de stick afore mentioned ; den come twenty ladies,
dressed in wite and colored frocks, a walkin two by two,
arm in arm ; dey had nofin wid dem but fans and poker-
hankerchiefs. Dey war de Royal high grand arch nose-
wipers to de Royarfamily. Rite a behind dese she fellers
come Prince Albert Coburg, lookin like a Dutch hurrah,
arm in arm wid de lubly Queen ; and den come four ladies
wid touls oh dere arms, a holdin up de Queen's trail ; dey
war high arch wipers to all de royal family too. Arter dem
cufQ all de royal children, all washed and dressed up as if
it wer de Forf ob July ; den followed some more wipers and
washers, and den nobody else. As soon as de pesession com-
menced to mobe in de room, de band up on de big shelf be-
gin to play, and all de pepil jined in de train, walked round
de room tree times, to show dere close and wigs, den we all
opened rite and leff, and luff de Royal /amily 'proach de
trone, where Her Majesty took a seat and a pinch ob snuff.
Den all de folks bowed to de Queen, den to each other, and
goe'd and set down agin. De Prince took his stand along
side her Majisty, wid de snuff box. De Queen don't like
him to mingle wid de ladies at kort, kase he am sich a debil
ob a feller 'mong dem, and dey sich debil ob fellers 'mong
him too. She keeps him berry close to her apron strings,
and for all dat dere am more young Alberts runnin round
London den wood fill a meetin house.

As soon as the Queen was cleverly seated and all de
Royal hie arch fellers had taken their stand cordin to Hoilc,
de presentations begin — ebery body was introcomduced to
de royal hie arch chambermaid, and he, introcomduced dem
to her royal hleness. All de furrin rambassendoors was

FIFTH EPISTOL FROM 'UEOPE. 3i3

toted up and kissed her hand and fell back ; and bom by it
come my turn ; iqy heart fluttered like a washerwoman's
day's work on de line in Desember, but I node I hadent done
nofBn bad 'sept dressin up in dese close, and I plucked up
my fitein apperatus and wid de Dutchass ob Sunderland on
de one side, and de hie arch Beship on de odder, I walked
up as bold as a sheep to a bunch ob clober. As I mobed
up de room more den a hundred eye glasses took good aim
at Tne, and de Queen herseff leveled a pair at me dat must
hab cost more den fibe dollars. Arter takin a good look at
me, de Royal hie arch chambermaid told her my name. She
knowed me at once, and said she was a constant reader ob
my Lectures in de N. Y. Picayune, and complimented me
bery hiely on my great nolage ob Science and wonderful
sence ob human nature. She complained 'bout not gettin
de paper regular, and gabe orders to de lord hie arch Stewat
ob de Palace to pay me 4 shillin English money for a year's
subscribe to de paper. She'll be sure to see it certin sure in
future. I speck de Picayune folks will be mighty prowd ob
dis fac. Arter axin me many questions 'bout my future
corse in futurity, she induced me to all de children and do
Prince ; den I kissed her hand,like de rest ob de crowd, and
I fell back into obscurity to let a fat Dutch woman take my
place. As I fell back I seed a-door open to an ajoinin room,
and I seed a long table filled wid 'freshments, and folks a
goin into em like a hungry crowd at a poor-house. I meg-
itly boged for dat room, and de way I laid in a supper and
shampain was a kaushun to big eaters. Arter eatin and
drinkin my full, I leff tru a different hall to what I entered,
and I wer bowed out by at least a dozen big wigs and broad
taild coats. I felt a little dizzy when I got to de treet, and
I called a cab and told de cabman to dribe me home tru
Hide Park. I got in de cab and off it roH'd. Dats de lass

360 BLACK ■ DIAMONDS.

I node till I felt almity cold. I woke up and tort I bin a
dveamin I was in de ole ship, and fell ober bord ; and sure
nuff I found myseff up to my neck in water. De darned
drunken cabman had upset me in de lake. He had dumped
me in and luff me to drown, for he was gone. You may
bet your lass shillin dat I hollered sum. My hollerin soon
brot a policer, and arter gettin a rope, fibe odder fellers,
and a long hook, dey got me out ; but I was in a putty
pickle. De man's close, wid all de gould 'broidery on dem,
was spiled, and I stood dar as mad as a lunitic assilam. De
police war gwane to take me into de stashion house, but on
splainin tings, and dey findin outwAo I was, dey gotanodder
cab and took me home, when I treated all bans and went to
bed. When I woke up in de mornin I found I hadent slept
none all night, and all I dreamed 'bout was swinimin, Queens,
shampain, police, station-house, Dukeingham's Palace, andsich
tings. I cotch a mity cold dat so stoped de diagram ob de
troat dat de borax woodent work, and I cood hardly speak
in de morning for de broun critters in de oil factory canal.

Dar, now, you got my-sperence 'mong de nobilty andsich
like— see dat you lay de moral ob it all to de flatterin unshun
ob your soles, and hurry up de funds to bring me home.

Good by on dis side ob Jorden— de poor ober here find it
a hard road to trabell indeed.

Julius CjEsae Hannibal.

SIXTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE. 361

SIXTH EPISTOL FROM 'UROPE.

Indtjlgint Dissiples :

As de worm feedef on de ole chese, so does you feed
and grow fat 'pon de nolage I send you. Your inquest for
me to go to de French nation hab bin complied wid at last
accounts, and here I is in Paris full ob French soup, sower
wine, and gratitude for bein here safe ober'.dat nasty Chan-
nel. Mabe some ob de fellers dat aint studded nabigation in
particulor and gografy in general don't noe what de Channel
luded to in de text am. I stop de main train ob my 'pisle to
liten dem. De Channel am an arm or leg ob de sea, dat hab
by some axcident during, a heaby rain, or de flood mabe,
got away up mong a dozen bilen springs, dat continuaj^j^
biles up like an ole drudge, among a lot ob hills, belongin to
John Bull on de one side, and Prance on de odder. It biles
so strong dar dat de big iron ship dat took me across was
tosted 'bout like a fedder on de end ob a blow-pipe. Ebbry
body, man and hoss, was sick goin ober, but like pullin teef,
it war soon done. Two hours fotched me across and all my
insides up. One ole dog wid a fat man, or a fat man wid a
dog, I mean, was berry sick, but he stuck on deck like tar
to a darkey's heel. De Captain looked at him kind a sorry,
from under a pair ob toof-bfush eyebrows, and opened his
big whiskers in de middle an sed to de ole fat feller, " Be of
good cheer, my hearty, you'll be better as soon as you reach
the pint yonder." " Retch a pint," sedde ole feller ; " why,
Captain I've retfflied a quart already !"

As soon as I ribed in Paris, I coodeut say nuffin to nObo-
16

362 BLACK DIAMONDS.

m

dy, ebery ting was so Frenchy. De fust ting dey did was
to excruciate me fully to see if my face compared wid my
passpot. De sogers eyed me from bed to foot, and dey all
bowed as ef dey had a double-barrelled hinge in de middle
ob dere backs, and luff me pass on. I tink from de fuss dey
made wid' me, dat dey must hab taken me for Fustin Trow-
sers de One, Emprior ob Hitietite De fust ting I did arter
gitten fru de Custom House(I don't like de customs ob dat
house, no how), was to find my way to a eatin house. As
soon as I sat down a waiter come to me wid all de grace ob
a grasshopper stepin ober a newly plowd field — den my
trubble wid de tongue begin. De waiter understand jis
nuff English to put him to sleep, so sez I, " Hab you eny
soups?" "We we 1' sez he ; " ze soup am ze potash."
" No 1 no !" sez I, " not potash soup, some odder kind ; wat
you got ?" He handed me de programe ob de wittels, and
dar I found out dat soup means potage. Dey had all kinds
ob em — dar was "-Potage de Tartar," made frum de juice
ob tar barrels, I spose ; and dar was " Potage de Nigre,"
made out ob boiled niggers, I speck ; so I turned from de
page ob soups, arter lookin in wain for clam soup, in disgust
to de more solid, and I begin to spell 'em out, and afore I
node it I had absolutely grown humped back, busted my
shirtcollar all to slivers, and split my bess trowsers, in tryin
to makeout de crooked names; so I fell back and called for
pork and beans, but not a pork had dey — dey dident noe him
— so radder dan not starbe to deff, I jis pinted to de fust
ting on each page ob de list and I got a fust rate dinner ;
tru it was cooked up so I Coodent tell wedder I was a eatin
frogs, rats or chickens, but I tort " notin wentured notia
got," and went in.

When I was full I feel better toward mankind in general,
and French cooks in particiflar. De bustin ob my shirt

SIXTH JJPISTOL FROM 'UEOPE. 3te_

collar and its radder siled condition rendered it hiely con-
sniptions dat I shood hab a new one afore I went to see
Lewis 'Napoleon, to whom I had letters ob deduction ; I
seed shirts in de shop winder, so I boged in and I^pantomi-
micked to de feller (who seemed to be strung on wires)
behind de counter, dat I wanted de shirt. He looked as
wild as a hungry hauk at me ; he dident noe wat I ment,
and here I made the orful discubery dat insted ob my
wearin a shirt all my life, I hab bin wearm a shimmeese.
At home you noe only de far sex indulge in tings ob dat
name, but in Paris ebbery man and woman wars de shim-
meese, but de he-shimmeese am made jis de same as ober
dar, and so am de she-meseese. Arter I bied de shimmeese
I ax for a hotel, and I was 'sprised to find dat ehberybody's
house was a hotel, so it was easy findin one. Thither I
went and kinder slicked up a little to go and see Napoleon
Lewis. At fust I was kinder fritend at de soger mans dat
swarm de treets, and den arter I got ober dat, I had to laff
at deir trowsers. Dey'm fust r.ate pants to steel apples in,
I tell you ; dey'm big nuff round de seat and legs to hold a
bushel ob taters, and so tite at de bottom dat nofin kin fall
out ; a feller mite carry nuff provishions to last him a week
in 'em and noboddy wood noe it. Dese fellers in dese trow-
sers am all ober Paris, as tick as crows 'pon a ded boss, and
'bout as bizzy. As soon as I spit on my boots and rubbed
dem off wid my toof-brush (dat's a handy- practice in
trablin), I call'd a cab and dribed rite off fru de Bull Yards
to de " Hotel de Fooleries," whar de Emprior am libin in
klober wid he young bride — de women am all arter Lewis —
eben Quean Wictoria, de bold ting am 'bout presentin him
wid her garter, so he kin judge^ob de size "ob her leg. Dis
from de mudder ob sich a brood ob Alberts am hiely
sennary. My pisle hab got,go long I muss cut it off here,

364 BLACK DIAMONDS.

as de doctor sed 'bout de sore ^eg — and stop. My enter-
tainment wid de Emprior and odder tings I must lebe to
some prebious 'caison to ypu about in de Picayune.

Don't, forgit de sasser, and belebe me as much French as
posable.

■Julius C.«sar Hannidal.

THE END.