"Swingin round the cirkle."

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"SWINGIN

Round the Cirkle"

BY

PETROLEUM V. NASBY j- n^iu-^/j

LATE PASTOR OF THE CHUKCH OF THE NEW DISPENSATION,

CHAPLAIN TO HIS EXCELLENCY THE PRESIDENT, AND

P. M. AT CONFEDERATE X ROADS, KENTUCKY.

HIS IDEAS OF

Men, Politics, and Things

AS SET FORTH IN HIS LETTERS TO THE PUBLIC PRESS

Illustrated by Thomas Nast.

BOSTON , , I

LEE AND SHEPARD PUBLISHERS

lo MILK STREET NEXT OLD SOUTH MEETING-HOUSE
1888

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S66, bj

LEE AND SHEPAED,

In the Clerk's Office of the Pistrict Court of the District of MossachosettB.

DEDIKASHUN UV THIS BOOK.

TO

ANDROO JOHNSON,

The Pride and Hope uv Dimocrisy,

Who hez bin Alderman uv his native village,

Guvner uv his State,

Member uv the lower house uv Congress,

And likewise uv the Senit,

Vice President and President, and might hev bin Diktater,

But who is, nevertheless, a Humble Individooal;

Who hez swung around the entire cirkle uv ofSshl

honor, without feelin his Oats much ;

The first public man who considered my

services worth payin for;

AND TO

ALEX, W. RANDALL,

Postmaster Genral,

His most devoted Servant,

Whose autograph adorns my Commishn ez Postmaster,

This Volume

Is Respectfully Dedikated.

CONTENTS.

Paob
Pkefis, or Intersuctry Chapter, 7

13
19
27

33
41
47

I. — After the New Jersey Election, .
n. — Converses with General McStinger,

m. — A Remarkable Dream,

rv. — A Change of Base — Kentucky, . .

V. — Abolition in Kentucky,

VI. — A Conversation with a Kentuckian,

Vn. — A Vision — Spirit of Andrew Jackson, . 53

Vni. — A Plan for Up-building the Democracy, 60

IX. — A Vision OF THE Kext World, .... 66

X.— A Sonnet, 73

-XI. — The Situation — The Democracy Warned, 74
Xn. — The President's 22d of February Speech, 79

Xni.— A Warning, 87

XTV. — Refuses to Support the President, . . 9a

XV. — The Patriarchal System 98

XVI.— A Dream, 105

XVII. — A Kentucky Tea Party, iia

(5)

6 Contents.

FagB

XVin. — A Cry of Exultation, lao

XIX. — A Wail of Anguish, 127

XX. — Mournful View of the Situation, . 133

XXI. — A Psalm of Gladness, 138

XXII. — A. Discourse upon the Nigger, . . 143

XXIII. — Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau, 150

XXrV. — Presides at a Church Trial, . . . 158

XXV. — Meeting to Indorse Gen. Rosseau, 164

XXVI. — Preaches — The "Prodigal Son," . 170

XXVII. — A Pleasant Dream, 177

XXVIII. — The Reward of Virtue, 187

XXIX. — The Convocation at Philadelphia, . ig6

XXX. — The Great Presidential Excursion, 205

XXXI. — The Presidential Tour Contlnited, . 214

XXXII. — End OP the Presidential Tour, . . 222

XXXIII. — At Home Again, 229

XXXrV. — The Cleveland Convention, . . . 237

XXXV. — An Appeal TO THE People, .... 246

XXXVI. — The October Elections, 254

XXXVII. — Mr. Nasby's Opinion on the Cause of

THE President's Defeat, .... 261

XXXVIII. — Andrew Johnson President or King ? 269

XXXIX. — A Cabinet Meeting 276

XL. — Sermon on the November Elections, 284

XLI. — A Few Last Words 291

PREFIS,

OR

INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER.

THERE is a vacancy in the mind uv the public
for jist sich a book ez this, else it had never bin
published. There is a vacancy in my pockit for the
money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I bed never
slung together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich
I hev from time to time flung out thro the public
press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful public
and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy.

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for
amoozement. There hezn't bin anythin amoozin in
Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the standard-
bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the
leaders uv the hosts, hev bed a rather rough time uv
it. Our prominence made us uncomfortable, for we
hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez

(I)

8 Prefis, or

well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. Whtn
that gileless patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to pri-
vate life, regretted by all who held office under him,
Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period uv
darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin
made for their rites, rendered the position uv us
Northern Dimocrats eggstremely precarious. We
coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin
that peace must come, and that when it did come we
wood hev to, ez in the olden time, look to them for
support and maintenance, it behooved us to keep on
their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but
alars ! there are laws agin treason, and two-thirds
uv the misguided people north hed got into a way
uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed
that crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped
the line that divides loyalty from treason by so much
ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd make us suffer
the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but
wich, owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more,
can't. Halleloogy I

But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a ser-
vice I detested — twict I wuz torn from the buzzum
uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well enough,
even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally
git obstinit, and refooze to give me sich washin

Interductry Chapter. 9

money ez wuz nessary to my existence, preferrin to
squander it upon bread and clothes for the children,
— twict, I say, I wuz pulled into the servis, and twict
I wuz forced to desert to the Dimocrisy uv the south,
rather than fite agin em. When finally the thumb
uv my left hand wuz acksidentally shot off, owin to
my foot becomin entangled into the lock uv my gun,
wich thumb wuz also accidentally across the muzzle
thereof, and I wuz no longer liable to military dooty
and cood bid Provost Marshels defiance, I only
steered clear uv Scylla to go bumpin onto Charybdis.
I coodent let Dimocrisy alone, and the eggins — the
ridin upon rails — the takin uv the oath — but why
shood I harrow up the public buzzum ? I stood it
all till one nite I wuz pulled out uv bed, compelled
to kneel onto my bare knees in the cold snow, the
extremity uv my under garment, wich modesty for-
bids me to menshun the name uv it, fluttrin in a
Janooary wind, and by a crowd uv lafiin soljers
compelled to take the oath and drink a pint uv raw,
undilooted water ! That feather broke the back uv
the camel. The oath give me infiamashen uv the
brane and the water infiamashen uv the stumick,
and for six long weeks I lay, a wreck uv my former
self. Ez I arose fi-om that bed and saw in a glass
the remains uv my pensive beauty, I vowed to wage

lo Prefis, or

a unceasin war on the party wich caused sich ha^ oc,
and I hev kept my oath.

I hev bin in the Apossel biznis more extensively
than any man sence the time uv Paul. First I
established a church uv Democrats in a little oasis I
diskivered in the ablishn state uv Ohio, to wit, at
Wingert's Corners, where ther wuz four groceries,
but nary church or skool-house within four miles,
and whose populashen wuz unanimously Dimo-
cratic, the grocery keepers hevin mortgages on all
the land around em — but alars! I wuz forced to
leeve it after the election of Linkin in 1864. Noo
Gersey bein the only state North wich wuz on-
squelched, to her I fled, and at Saint's Rest (wich is
in Noo Gersey) I erected another tabernacle. There
I stayed, and et and drank and wuz merry, but
Ablishnism pursood me thither, and in the fall uv
'65 that state got ornery and cussid, and went
Ablishn, and agin, like the wandrin Jew, I wuz
forced to pull up, and wend my weary way to Ken-
tucky, where, at Confedrit X Roads, I feel that I
am safe. Massychoosets ideas can't penetrate us
here. The aristocracy bleeve in freedom uv speech,
but they desite to exercise a supervision over it, that
they may not be led astray. They bleeve they'r
rite, and for fear they'd be forced to change tlieit

Interductry Chapter. ii

minds, whenever they git into argument with any-
body, ef the individooal gits the better uv them^ they
to-wunst shoot him ez a disturber. Hence Massy-
choosits can't disturb us here ; the populashen is
unanimously Democratic, and bids fair to contin-
yoo so.

Here I hope to spend the few remainin years uv a
eventful life. Here in the enjoyment uv that end uv
the hopes uv all Democrats, a Post Offis, with four
well-regulated groceries within a stun's throw, and
a distillery omamentin the landscape only a quarter
uv a mile from where I rite these lines, with the
ruins uv a burnt nigger school house within site uv
my winder, from wich rises the odor, grateful to a
Democratic nostril, and wich he kin snuff afar off,
and say ha ! ha ! to, uv a half dozen niggers wich
wuz consumed when it wuz burned, wat more kin I
want? I feel that I am more than repaid for all my
sufTrins, and that I shel sale smoothly down the
stream uv time, unvexed and happy.

It is proper to state that the papers uv which this
volume is composed wuz written at various times
and under various circumstances. They reflect the
mind uv the author doorin a most eventful year in
his history, and mark the condition uv the Dimocrisy
from week to week. Consekently they shift from

13 Prefis.

grave to gay, from lively to severe, with much alac-
rity, the grate party seemin at times to be lifted onto
the top wave uv success, and at other times bein
down in the trough uv despondency and despair.
f I mite say more, but wherefore ? Ez the record
uv a year uv hopes and fears, uv exaltation and
depression, it may possess interest or may not —
'cordin to the style uv the reader. Whatever may
be its fate, one thing I am certin uv, to wit : I am a
reglerly commissioned P. M. ; and while the ap-
proval of the public mite lighten the toils uv ofRshl
life and sweeten the whisky wich fiie salary
purchases, the frowns uv the said public can't' re-
doose me to the walks uv private life. They can't
frown me out uv ofEs, nor frown P. M. General
Randall's name off my commishn.

P. V. N.

Post Oitis, Conpedbit X Boads
(wich is in the State uy Ken-
tucky), Oct. 1, 1866.

SWINGIN ROUND THE CIRKLE.

After the New Jersey Election^ 1865.

tf ■

Saint's Rest
(wich is in the State uv Noo Gersey).
November, 9, 1865.

NEVER wuz I in so pleasant a frame uv mind as
last night. All wuz peace with me, for aftei
bein buffeted about the world for three skore years, at
last it seemed to me ez tho forchune, tired uv perse-
kootin a unforchnit bein, hed taken me into favor.
I hed a solemn promise from the Demekratic State
Central Committy in the great State uv Noo Gersey,
that ez soon ez our candidate for Governor wuz
dooly elected, I shood hev the position uv Dore-
keeper to the House uv the Lord (wich in this State
means the Capital, & wich is certainly better than
dwellin in the tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on
tick, ez I do), and a joodishus exhibition uv this

(18)

14 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

promise hed prokoored for me unlimited facilities
for borrerin, wich I improved, muchly.

On Wednesday nite I wuz a sittin in my room, a
enjoyin the pleasin reflection that in a few days I
should be placed above want & beyond the contin-
gencies uv fortune. Wood! oh wood! tliat I hed
died then and there, before that dream ov bliss wuz
roodly broken. A wicked boy cum runnin past
with a paper wich he hed brot from the next town
where there lives a man who takes one. He flung
it thro the window to me and past on. I opened it
eagerly, and glanced at the hed lines !

" Noo Gersey — 5,000 Repubijkin ! "

One long and piercin shreek wuz heard thro that
house, and wen the inmates rushed into the room
they found me inanymate on the floor. The fatal
paper lay near me, explainin the cause uv the catas-
trophe. The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin uv
my pockets and diskiverin that the contents thereof
wood not pay the arrearages uv board, held a hur
ried consultation with his wife as to the propriety
uv bringin me to ; he insisting that it wuz the only
chance uv gittin what wuz back — she insistin that
of J was brung to I'd go on runnin up the bill, big-
ger and bigger, and never pay at last. While they

After THE New Jersey. Election, 1865 15

was argooin the matter, pro and con, I happened to
git a good smell uv his breath, wich restored me to ■
consciousniss to-wnnst, without further assistance. :
When in trouble my poetic sole alluz finds vent
in song. Did ever poet who delited in tombs, and
dark, rollin streams, and consumption, and blighted
hopes, and decay, and sich themes, ever hev such a
pick of subjects ez I hev at this time ? The follerin
may be a consolation to the few Dimokrats uv ths
North who have gone so far into copperheadism
that they can't change their base: —

A Wale I

In the mornin we go forth rejoicin in our strength
— in the evenin we are bustid and wHt !

Man bom uv woman (and most men are) is u\
few days, & them is so full uv trouble that ifs
skarsely worth while hein born at all.

In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now
the waters uv afHickshun are about my chin.

I look to the east, and Massychusets rolls in
AMistmn.

To the west I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and
Minnesota, and lUinoy ansers Ablishun.

Southward I turn my implorin gaze, and Mary-
land sends greetin — Ablishun.

1 6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

In New York we had em, for lo ! we run a soljer,
who fought valiantly, and we put him on a plat-
form, wich stunk with nigger — yea, the savor there-
of wuz louder than the Ablishun platform itself.

But behold ! the people jeer and flout, and say
" the platform stinketh loud enough, but the smell
thereof is not the smell uv the Afrikin — it is of the
rotten material uv wich it is composed, and the cor-
rupshun they hev placed upon it" — and New York
goes Ablishun.

Slocum held hisself up, and sed, " Come and buy."
And our folks bought him and his tribe, but he
getteth not his price.

Nog Gersey — Ablishun ! !

Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain and holler horn
arid sich, and, not livin near Noo York, the flesh
thereof he cood not sell.

But Job hed suthin lefl: — still cood he sell fee
hides and tallow 1

Lazarus hed sores, but he hed dorgs to lick them.

Noo Gersey wuz the hide ,& tallow uv the Di-
raocrisy, and lo ! that is gone. "'"'

What little is lefl uv the Dimocrisy is all sore, but
where is the dorg so low as to lick it I

Noo Gersey wuz our ewe lamb — lo I the strong
hand uv Ablishnism hez taken it.

After THE New Jersey EiJicTioN, 1865. 17

Noo Gersey vniz the Aryrat on wich our ark
rested — behold! the dark waves uv Ablishnism
sweep over it!

Darkness falls over me like a pall — the shadder
uv woe encompasseth me.

Down my furrowed cheeks rolleth the tears uv
anguish, varyin in size from a large Pea to a small
tater.

Noo Gersey will vote for the Constooshnel Amend-
ment, and lo ! the Nigger will possess the land.

I see horrid visions I

On the Camden and Amboy, nigger brakesmen ;
and at the polls, niggers I

Where shall we find refuge?

In the North? Lo! it is barred agin us by
Ablishnism.

In the South? In their eyes the Northern cop-
perhead findeth no favor.

In Mexico? There is war there, and we might
be drafted.

Who will deliver us? Who will pluck us from
the pit into wich we hev fallen?

Where I shel go the Lord only knows, but my

impression is. South Karliny will be my future

home. Wade Hampton is electid Governor, certin,

and in that noble State, one may perhaps preserve

2

1 8 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

enough uv the old Dimokratic States Rites to leaven
the whole lump.

" I'm aflote — I'm aflote
On the dark rollin sea.''

And into what harbor fate will drive my weather-
beaten bark, the undersigned can not trooly say.

Noo Gersey — farewell ! The world may stand
it a year or two, but I doubt it.
Mournfly and sadly.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Bispensashun.

CoNVBRSEs WITH Gei«ral McStinger. ig

n.

A Conversation with General McStinger, of the
State of Georgia.^ which is interrupted by a
Subjugated Rebel.

Washington, D. C, Nov. 18, 1865.

SENCE the November elections I hev bin spend-
in' the heft uv my time in Washinton. I find
a melankoly pleasure in ling'rin around the scene
uv so many Demokratic triumphs. Here it wuz
that Brooks, the heroic, bludgeoned Sumner ; here
it wuz that Calhoon, & Yancey, and Breckinridge
achieved their glory and renown. Besides, it's the
easiest place to dodge a board bill in the Yoonited
States. There's so many Congressmen here who
resemble me, that I hev no difficulty in passin for
one, two-thirds uv the time.

Yesterday I met, in the readin-room uv Willard's,
Ginral MacStinger, of South Karliny. The Ginral
is here on the same bizness most uv the Southern
men hev in this classic city, that uv prokoorin a
pardon, wich he hed prokoored, and wuz gittin

,2o SwiNGiN Round the Cirklh.

ready to go home and accept the nominashen for
Congress in his deestrick.

The Ginral wuz gloomy. Things didn't soot him,
he observed, and he wuz afeerd that the country
wuz on the high road to rooin. He hed bin absent
from the Yoonited States suthin over four yeers, wich
time he hed spent in the southern confederacy.
When he went out the Constooshnel Dimocrisy hed
some rites wich wuz respected. On his return wat
did he see? The power in the hands uv Radikals,
Ablishnism in the majority everjrwhere, a ex-tailor
President, — a state uv affairs disgustin in the ex-
treme to the highly sensitive Southern mind. He
had accepted a pardon only becoz he felt hisself
constrained to put hisself in2 position to go to Con-
gress, tliat the country might be reskood from its
impendin peril. He shood go to Congress, and
then he should ask the despots who now hev control,
whether, —

1. They spozed the Soutli wood submit to hoo-
miliatin condishns?

2. What Androo Johnson means by dictatin to the
Convenshuns uv sovereign States?

" Why," sez he, " but a few days ago this boor
hed the ashoorence to write to the Georgy Conven-
shun that it ' must not' — mark the term — ' must

CONVPRSES WITH GENERAL McStINGER. 21

NOT assoom the confedrit war debt.' Is a tailor to
say ' must not ' to shivelrus Georgy ? Good God ! —
where are we driftin? For one, I never will be
consilliated on them terms' — never ! I never wuz
used to that style uv talk in Dimekratic conven-
shuns.

" Ez soon ez I take my seet in Congris," resoomed
he, " I shel deliver a speech, wich I writ the day
after Lee surrendered, so ez to hev it ready, in
which I shel take the foUerin ground, to wit:

" That the South hev buried the hatchit, and hev
diskivered that they love the old Yoonipn above eny
thing on earth. But,

" The North must meet us half way, or we wont
be answerable for the consekences. Ez a basis for
a settlement, I shell insist on the foUerin condishens :

" The Federal debt must be repoodiatedy prin-
cipal and interest, or ef paid, the Southern war debt
must be paid likiewise — ez a peece offerin. The
doctrine uv State Rites must be made the soopreme,
law uv the land, that the South may withdraw
whenever they feel theirselves dissatisfied with Mas-
sachusetts. Uv coarse this Js a olive branch. K

"Jefferson Davis must be to-wunst set at liberty
and Sumner hung, ez proof that the North is really

aa SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

consilliatoty. On this pint I am inflexible, and oti
the others immovable."

An old man who hed bin listnin to our talk, mur
mured that there wuz a parallel to this last propo-
sishen.

"Where?" demanded the Genral.

" The Jews, I remember," replied he, " demanded
that Barrabas be released unto them, who wuz a
thief, I believe, and the Savior be crucified, but I
forgit jist how it wuz."

The Genral withered him with a litenin glance,
and resoomed:

" I shel, uv course, offer the North suthin in the
way uv compensation, for the troo theory uv a Re-
publikin Government is compermise. On our part
we pledge ourselves to kum back, and give the
North the benefit uv our kumin back, so long ez
i^assachusetts condux herself akkordin to our ijees
uv what is rite. But ef this ekitable adjustment is
rejected, all I hev to say then is, I shell resign, and
the Government may sink without wun cflTort from
me to save it."

I vmz about to give in my experience, when the
old man, who wuz sittin near us, broke in agin :

" My name," sed he, " is Maginnis, and I live in

Converses with General McStingee. 23

Alabama. I want to say a word to the gentleman
from Karliny, and to the wun from Noo Gersey."

" How," retorted I, " do yoo know I'm from Noo
Gersey, not hevin spoken a word in yoor hearin?"

" By a instink I hev. Whenever I see a Suth-
emer layin it down heavy to a indivijouel whose
phisynogamy is uv sich a cast that upon beholdin it
yoo instinktively feel to see that yoor pocket-hand-
kercher is safe, a face that wood be dangerous if it
had courage into it, I alluz know the latter to be
a Northern copperhead. The Noo Gersey part I
guessed at, becoz, my friend, that State furnished
the lowest order uv copperheads of any uv em.
Pardon me ef I flatter yoo. But what I wanted to
say wuz, that I spose suthen hez happened doorin
the past 4 years. I was a original secessionist.
Sum years ago I hed a hundred niggers, and wuz
doin well with em. But, unforchunitly, my brother
died, and left me ez much more land, but no niggers.
I wanted niggers e-nuff to work that land, and spozed
ef cut off from the North, and the slave-trade wuz
reopened, I cood git em cheaper. Hentz I se-
ceshed. Sich men ez Genral McStinger told me
the North woodent fight or I woodent hev secesht,
but I did it. I went out for wool and cum back
■horn. I seceshed with icx) niggers to git 200, and

24 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

alas! I find myself back into the ^old govern pent,
with nary a nigger.

" But all this is no excoose for talkin bald non-
cents. Yoo old ass," sed he, addressin Genral Mc-
Stinger, "yoo talk uv wat yoo will do, and what
yoo wont. Hevent you diskivered that yoo are
whipped ? Hevent you found out that yoo are sub-
ipogated? Are yoo back into the Yoonyxin uv your
own free will and akkord ? Hevent yoo got a pardon
in yoor pockit, which dockyment is all that saves
yoor neck from stretchin hemp ? Why do yoo talk
uv wat South karliny will and wont do ? Good
Lord ! I recollect about a year since South karliny
would never permit her soil 2 be pollutid by Yankee
hirelins, yit Sherman marched all over it with a few
uv em, and skarcly a gun was fired at em. So too
I recollect that that sed State, wich wuz agoin to
whip the entire North, and wich wood, ef over-
powered, submit gracefully and with dignity to
annihilation, and sich, wuz the first to git down on
her marrow bones, and beg for peace like a dorg.
Ef yoo intend this talk for the purpose uv skarin
the North, beleeve me when I say that the North
aint so easy skared ez it wuz. Ef its intendid for
home 'consumption, consider me the people. Ive
bearvl it before, and I'll take no more uv it until my

Converses with General McStinger. 25

stumick settles. It makes me puke. The fact is we
are whipped, and hev got to do the best we kia
We are a goin to pay the Federal debt, and ain,
goin to pay the confederet debt. Davis will be hung,
and serve him rite. States rites is dead, and slavery
is abolished, and with it shivelry; and' its my opin-
ion the South is a d — d sight better off without
either of em. I kin sware, now, after livin outside
uv the shadder uv the flag 4 yeres, that I love it 1
You bet I do. I carry a small one in my coat
pocket. I hev a middlin sized one waved Iby my
youngest boy over the family when at prayers, and
a whalin big one wavin over my house all the time.
I hev diskivered that its^ a good thing to live under,
and when sich cusses as yoo talk uv what yoo will
and wont do under it, I bile. Go home, yoo cusses,
go home ! Yoo, South, and pullin orf your coat,
go to work, thankin God that Johnson's merciful
enuff to let yoo go home at all, insted uv hangin
yoo up like a dorg, for tryin to bust a Guverment
too good for yoo. Yoo, North, thankful that the
men uv sense uv the North bed the manhood to pre-
vent us from rooinin ourselves by makin sich ez yoo
our niggers. Avaunt ! "

And the excited Mr. Maginnis, who is evidently
subjoogated, strode out uv our presence. His in-

a6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

temperit talk cast a chill over our confidencis, and
we dident resoom with the ease and freedom we
commenced with, and- in a few minutes we parted.
I didn't like him.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Pastei ut the Church of the New Dispensashim.

A Remarkablb Dream. 27

m.

A RemarJtdble Dream. — A Country Settled
exclusively by Democrats.

'Wasbinqton, December 1, 1865.

LAST nite I was the victim uv another dream.
Ef I don't quit this explorin tlie realms of the
flicher in my sleep, I shall become a second Saint
John. Ef so, I maik no doubt my revelations will
be uv a remarkably startlin character.

Methawt the Ablishnists had asserted the power
we diskivered they possest, after the late elecshuns,
and had gone the whole figger. They had forced
the South into the humiliashen uv allowin niggers
to testify, and in the Northern states had given em
the elective franchise. Uv course the edecated and
refined democrasy wood never consent to be carried
up to the polls alongside uv a nigger — uv course no
Democratic offis-seeker wood hoomiliate himself to
treatin a nigger afore a election, it bein a article uv
faith with us never to drink with a nigger, onless he
pays for it.

3.8 SWINGIN RoukD THE CiRKLE.

Tlierefore, bein helpless, and resolvin never to
submit, the heft uv the Democrasy determined to
emigrate in a body to some land where the Anglo-
Sackson cood rool, — where there was no mixter of
the disgnstin African. Mexico wuz the country
chosen, and methawt the entire party, in one solid
column, marched there. Our departure was a ova-
tion. The pfeeple on our route wuz all dressed in
white, ez a token uv joy, and from every house hung
banners, with inscriptions onto em, sich ez, —

" Now is our hen-roosts safe ! "

" Canada on its way to Mexico ! "

" Poor Mexico — we bewail thy fate ! "

Our march resembled very much that uv the chil-
dern uv Isrel. Our noses wuz the piilers uv fire by
nite, and our breath the piller uv smoke by day.

On our arrival to Mexico, the natives of that
country, struck probably with awe at the majestic
and flamin expression uv our countenances, hastily
gathered up their linen, and silver spoons, and
bosses, and sich, and retreated to the mountains. It
wuz a komplimerit to us that them ez hadn't enny-
thing remained.

Finally we reached a plain, where we, the modern
childern uv Isrel, decided to remane, and, uv course,
tlie fust thing to do wuz to form a guvernment.

A Remarkable Dream.

29

Methawt Fernandy Wood, uv New York, wuz
chosen viva voce, ez President, and he stept forerd -
to hev the oath administered to him, wich wuz 2 be
dun by the oldest Justis uv the Peece uv the late
stait uv Noo Gersey, wich hez committed sooicide.
Here a new trouble ensood — there wuzn't a bible
to be found in the whole encampment. The diffi-
culty wuz got over by a New York Alderman yellin
out, " Never mind the oath. What's the yoose uv
any oath he takes?" So he wuz declared President.

Prest. Wood then proceeded to organize. He
requested sich ez hed held commissions in the army
uv the Yoonited States to step forerd three paces.
Gens. Micklelan, Buel, Fitsjohn Porter, & Slocum
stept forerd, and with em some 4,000, a part uv
whom hed' held quartermasters' commissions, and
whose accounts,

" Jest afore the battle, mother,"

didn't balance, but wich alluz did jist after, and
others who hed bin dismist for bein in the rear,
when their sooperiors desired to see em in the front,
and who consekently considered it a d — d Ablishun
war, wich they didn't approve uv no how.

Then hevin ascertained the material for ofRcerin
his army, he axed all them who hed bin in tlie

30 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

service as privates to step forerd. zo,ooo obeyed,
and the President asked the fust one where he
enlisted, who ansered ez follows : —

"AtNooYoi-k, April 12, 1864, bounty $1,000;
and at Philadelphia, April 14, 1864, bounty $700 ;
and at Pittsburgh, April 16, 1864, bounty $800;
and at Cincernati, April 19, 1864, bounty $400;
and at — "

" Enough," said Fernandy, and glancin down the
line, and seein all the faces were uv the same style
and expression, he asked no more uv em any ques-
tions.

Remarkin that it wuz well enough to establish a
church, he desired all who w^ere ministers uv the
Gospel to step forerd. 21 stept out and desired to
explain. They cood not say that they were just
now in full connexion with any church. They hed
bin, but their unconstooshnel Ablishin Synods and
conferences hed accoosed em uv irregularities in
hoss tradin, and various other irregularities, and
suspended em, and silenced em and sich, becoz they
were Democrats, but —

The President shrugged his sholders, and asked
all who cood read to step out. About one-half
answered, and then he requestid sich uv this num-
ber ez cood be prevaled upon to accept a small

A Remarkable Dream. 31

office, and who bleeved theirselves fit, to step out
agin, and to my unutterable horror and consterna-
tion, every one but five stepped out ez brisk ez so
many bees. Immejitly there wuz an uproar. Them
ez coodent read swore vociferously that there wuz
nothin fair about that arrangement. They never
knowd that a man wuz obliged to be able to read to
hold office in the Democratic party, and they'd never
stand that, and they all stepped out.

Finally it wuz decided that a election should be
held at some ifucher time.

The next step wuz to divide em up into employ-
ments. The President requested them ez preferred
to foUer mekanikle employments to step out : Sum
thirty advanced. Them ez preferred farmin : About
fifty stept out. Them ez expected to run small gro-
ceries :

There wuz a sound like the rush uv many waters.
Ninety-eight per cent, uv all — ceptin the officers
and preachers — sprung to the front, but when they
saw ther strength, their faces turned white. " Good
Lord ! " whispered they ; " we can't make a livin
out uv the remainin two per cent, and the officers
and preachers ! "

I The mass then demanded a division uv the prop-
erty, that all mite start alike, but upon takin a ia-

32 SwiNGiN Round the Cikkle.

ventory, it wuz fo ind not wuth while to bothe*
about a division.

Then they commenced murmurin, and sed wun
to another, " Oh for the flesh pots uv the Egypt we
left I" "I cood, at hum, live off my Ablishn na-
bers." " There wuz rich men in our ward, but ez
we hed the majority, i^ey paid taxes, which we
spent ! " "Ablishnists is pizen, but it is well enough
to hev enough uv em to tax ! " and ez wun man,
they resolved to return, and the confusion that re-
sulted from the breakin up awoke me.

There is onquestionably a moral in the vision.
Ez often ez I hev syed for perpetual Democratic
majorities, I hev sumtimes, when our party wuz
successful, and bid fair to be so permanently, won-
dered what we would do with the Treasury ef we
didn't lose the offices occasionally, so ez to hev the
other party nurse it into pickin condition for us.

I don't think I shood like to live in a unanimous
Dimocratic community.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster ut the Church of the Noo Dispensashimi

A Change of Base — Kentucky.

33

rv.

'A Change of Base — Kentucky. — A Sermon which
\ -was interrupted by a Subjugated and Subdued
Confederate.

CONPEDKIT X E.OADS J

(wioh is in the Stait ut Kentucky), >
• December 9, 1865. 3

HERE in the grate Stait uv Kentucky, the last
hope uv Democrisy, I hev pitched my tent,
and here I propose to lay these old bones when
Deth, who has a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see
fit to 4close. I didn't like to leave Washinton. I
luv it for its memories. Here stands the Capitol
where the President makes his appintments ; there
is the Post OfEs Department, where all the Post-
masters is appinted. Here it was that Jaxon rooled.
I hed a respex for Jaxon. I can't say I luved him,
for he never yoosed us rite. He hated the Whigs
ez bad ez we did, but after we beat em and elevated
him to the Presidency, the stealins didn't come in ez
fast ez we expected. Never shel I forgit the com-
pliment he paid me. Jest after his election I pre-
sented myself afore him with my papers, an appli-
3

34 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

cant for a place. He read em, and scanned me with
a critic's e)e.

" Can't yoo make yoose uv sich a man ez me?"
sez I, inquirinly.

" Certinly," sez he ; " I kin and alluz hev. Its
sich ez yoo I use to beet the whigs with, and I am
continyooally astonished to see how much work I
accomplish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed
he, pintin to the door, " when I realize how many
sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin
be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic."

I didn't get the office I wantid.

Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced
to leave it. I mite hev stayed there, but the trooth
is, the planks uv that city and the pavements are
harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any
other city in the Yoonited Staits. I hed lived two
months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congress-
men, but that cood only last a short time, there not
bein many uv that persuasion here to personate. I
had gone the rounds uv the House ez often ez it
wuz safe, and one nite commenced on the SeniL
Goin into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wich
the gentlemsnly and urbane bar keeper sot afore
me, and I diank. "Put it down with the rest uv
mine," sez I, with a impressive wave uv the hand.

A Change of Base — Kentucky.

35

" Yoor name ? " sez he.

Assoomin a intellectial look, I retorted, " Do you
know Charles Sumner?"

Here I overdid it; here vaultin ambition o'er-
leaped herself. Hed I sed " Saulsbury," it mite
have ansered, but to give Sumner's name for a drink
uv gin wuz a peece uv lunacy for wich I kan't
account. I wuz ignominiously kicked into the
street'. Drinks obtained at the expense uv bein
kicked is cheep, but I don't want em on thetn
terms ; my pride revolted, and so I emigrated. The
gentlemanly and urbane conductors uv the Pennsyl-
vania Central passed me over tlieir. road. They did
it with the assistance uv two gentlemanly and ur-
bane brakesmen, wich dropped me tenderly across
the track, out uv the hind eend uv the last car.

I found here a church buildin, uv wich the con-
gregation had bin mostly killed in bushwhackin
expeditions, and announsin myself ez a constooshnel
preacher from Noo Gersey, sutceeded in drawin
together a highly respectable awjience last Sunday.
-Takin for a text the passage, " The wagis uv sin
is death," I opened out ez follows : —

"Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any
deviashen from yer normal condishen. Yoor be-
loved pastor hez a stumick and a head, wich is in

36 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

close sympathy with each other, so much so, indeed,
that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the
stumick, and mighty close work its been for many
years, yoo bet. Let yoor beloved pastor drink, uv
a nite, a quart or two more than his yoosual allow-
ance, more than his stumick absolootely demands,
and his head swells with indignashen. The excess
is sin, and the ache is the penalty.

" The wagis uv sin is death ! Punishment and sin
is ez unseperable ez the shadder is from the man —
one is ez shoor to foller the other ez the assessor is
to kum around — ez nite is to foller day. The
Dimekratic party, uv wich I am a ornament, hez
experienced the trooth uv this text. When Douglas
switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin
wuz elected, and the Sceptre departed from Israel.
When — "

At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the
back part uv the house ariz and interrupted me.
He sed he hed a word to say on that subjick which
must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he got
through he'd punch my hed ; whereupon I let him
go on.

"Trooly,"sez he, " the vvages of sin is deth. I
I hev alluz bin a Dimecrat. The old Dimocracy
hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and

- A Change of Base — Kentucky. 37

the assortment uv death it Hez received for wages is
trooly surprisin. Never did a party commence bet-
ter. Jaxon wus a honist man, who knew that right
eousnis wuz the nashun's best holt. But he died,
and a host uv tuppenny politicians, with his great
name for capital, jumped into his old clothes, an
undertook to run the party. Ef the Dimocracy
coold hev elected a honist man every fourth or fifth
term, they mite hev ground along for a longer
period, but alars ! Jaxon wuz the last of that style
we hed, and so many dishonist cusses wuz then in
the Capital that his ghost coodent watch the half uv
them.

" The fiist installment uv deth we reseeved wuz
when Harrison beet us. The old pollytishens in
our party didn't mind it, for, sez they, ' The Treas-
urey woodent hev bin wuth mutch to us ennyhow
after the suckin it has experienced for 1 2 years ; it
needs 4 years uv rest.' We elected Poke, and here
it wuz that Sin got a complete -hold uv us. Anshent,
compacts made with the devil wuz alluz ritten in
blud. We made a contract with Calhoonism, and
that wuz ritten in blud wich wuz shed in Mexico.
Here we sold ourselves out, boots and britches, to
the cotton Democricy, and don't our history ever
sence prove the trooth uv the text, ' The wages uv

gS SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

sin is deth?' O, my frehds ! in wat hevy install-
ments, and how regularly, hez these wages bin
pade us.

" Our m en uv character commenst leavin us. Silas
Wi ite kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us
hed he not fortunately died too soon, and skores uv
uthers followed soot. Things went on until Peerse
wuz elected. The Devil (wich is cotton), w^hom
we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a
skatterin ensood.

"Agin, the men uv character got out, and gradu-
ally but shoorly the work uv deth went on. Boo-
kannon wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoose to us.
After Peerse hed run the machine four yeers, wat
wuz there left? Eko ansers. Anuther siftin fol-
lered, and the old party wich wunst boasted a Jaxon
hed got down to a Vallandigum. The Devil, to
wich we hed sold ourselves, wood not let us off" with
this, however. 'The wages uv sin is deth,' and
we hed not reseeved full pay ez yet. He instigated
South Karliny to rebel; he indoosed the other
Democratic States to foliar ; he forced the Northern
Democrisy to support em, and so on. That wuz
the final stroke. Dickinson, and Cass, and Dix
and Todd, and Logan, all left us, and vmn by wun
the galaxy uv Northern stars disappeared from the

A Change of Base — Kentucky. 39

Democratic firmament, leaving Noo Gersey alone,
and last fall, my brethrin, she sot in gloom.

" Oh, how true it is ! We served sin faithfully,
and where are we ? We went to war for slavery,
and slavery is dead. We fit for a confederacy, and
the confederacy is dead. We fit for States Rites,
and States Rites is dead. And Democracy tied her-
self to all these corpses, and they hev stunk her to
death.

"Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and
whar is Kentucky ? We sent our men to the con-
fedrit army, and none uv em cum back, ceptin the
skulkers, who comprised all uv that class wich we
wood hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to
hev us free our niggers, and be compensatid for em.
We held on to the sin uv niggers, and now they are
taken firom us with nary a compensate. In short,
whatever uv good the Devil promised us in pollytix
hez resulted in evil. My niggers is gone, my plan-
tashen here hez fed alternately both armies, ez they
cavorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait,
my house and barns wuz burnt, and all I hev to
show for my property is Confedrit munny, which is
a very dead article uv death. I know not what the
venerable old sucker in the pulpit wuz a goin to
Bay, but ef he kin look over this section uv the heri-

40 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

tage, and cant preach a elokent sermon on that text,
he aint much on the preach. I'm dun."

Uv coarse, after a ebulition of this kind, I cooldn'i
go on. I dismist the awdience with a benedick-
shun, hopin to get em together when sich prejudiced
men aint present.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Chxirch ut the Noo Dispensashun.

Abolition in Kentucky. 41

The Effect the Proclamation of Secretary Seivara
produced in Kentucky.

CONPEDKIT X KOADS J

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

December, 20, 186d. J

AT last ! The deed is dun ! The tiranikle gov-
ernment which hez sway at Washington hez
finelly extinguished the last glimerin flicker uv Lib-
erty, by abolishin slavery ! The sun didn't go down
in gloom that nite — the stars didn't fade in2 a sickly
yeller, at wich obstinacy uv nachur I wuz consid-
ably astonished.

I got the news at the Post Offis (near wich I am
at present stayin, at the house uv a venerable old
planter, who accepts my improvin conversation and
a occasional promise, wich is cheap, ez equivalent
for board). Sadly I wendid my way to his peace-
ful home, dreadin to fling over that house the pall
uv despair. Afl:er supper I broke to em ez gently
ez I cood the intelligence that three-fourths uv the

42 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

States hed ratified the constooshnel amendment —
that Seward had ishood his proclamation, and that
all the Niggers wuz free !

Never did I see sich sorrer depicted on humkn
countenance — never vs^uz there despair uv sich depth.
All nite long the bereaved inmates uv that wunst
happy but now distracted home wept and waled in
agony wich wuz perfectly heart rendin.

"Wo is me," sobbed the old man, wringin his
hands.

" John Brown's karkis hangs a danglin in the air,
but his sole is marchin on.

" It took posseshun of Seward, and thro his ugly
mouth it spoke the words ' the nigger is free,' and
there is no more a slave in all the land.

" Wunst I hed a hundred niggers, and the meu
were fat and healthy, and the wenches wuz strong,
and sum uv em wuz fair to look upon.

" They worked in my house, and my fields, from
tlie rising uv the sun to the goin down uv the same.

"Wuz they lazy? I catted them till they wuz
cured thereof; for lo ! tliey wuz ez a child under
my care.

" Did they run away ? From Kentucky they run
North, and lo ! the Locofoco Marshals caught them
for me, and brought them back, and delivered them

Abolition in Kentucky. 43

into my hand, without cost, sayin, lo ! here is thy
nigger — do with him ez thou wilt (wich I alluz
did), wich is cheeper than keepin dogs, and jest as
good.

" Solomon wuz wise, for he hed uv konkebines a
sufBshensy, but we wuz wiser in our day than
him.

" For he hed to feed his children, and it kost him
shekels uv gold and shekels uv silver, and much
com and oil.

" We hed our konkebines with ez great a much-
ness ez Solomon, but we sold their children for sil-
ver, and gold, and red-dog paper."

And all nite long the bereaved old patriarch, who
hed alluz bin a father to his servants (and a grand-
father to menny uv em) poured out his lamentations.

In the mornin the niggers wuz called up, and ez
they all hed their koats on, and hed bundles, I spect
they must hev heard the news. The old gentleman
explained the situation to em,

" Yoo will," sed he, " stay in yoor happy homes
— you will alluz continue to live here, and work
here, ez yoo hev alluz dun ! "

The niggers all in korious, vrith a remarkable
unanimity, remarkt that ef they hed ever bin intro-
doost to theirselves, they thought they woodent. In

44- SWINGIN RotTND THE CiREXE.

fact, they hed congregated at that time for the pur-
pose av startin life on their own hook.

A paroxysm uv pain and anguish shot over the
old man's face. Nearest to him stood a octoroon,
who, hed she not bin tainted with the accurst blood
uv Ham, wood hev bin considered beautiful. FalUn
on her neck, the old patriarch, with teers a streamin
down his furrowd cheeks, ejackilated, —

" Farewell, Looizer, my daughter, farewell ! I
loved yoor motlier ez never man loved nigger. She
wuz the solace uv my leisure hours — the companion
uv my yooth. She I sold to pay orf a mortgage on
the place — she and yoor older sisters. Farewell !
I hed hoped to hev sold yoo this winter (for yoo are
still young), and bought out Jinkins ; but wo is me !
Curses on the tirent who thus severs all the tender
ties uv nachur. Oh ! it is hard for father to part
with child, even when the market's high ; but. Oh
GJod ! to part thus "

And the old gentleman, in a excess uv greef,
swoonded avray genteely.

His son Tom hed bin caressin her two little chil
dren, who wuz a half whiter than she wuz. Unable
to restrain hisself, he fell on her neck, and bemoaned
his fate with tetchin pathos.

w^w^.

n,'

Abolition in Kentucky. 45

" Farewell, farewell, mother uv my children !
Farewell faro, and hosses, and shampane — a long
farewell ! Your increase wuz my perquisites, and
1 sold em to supply my needs. Hed you died, I
cood hev bin resigned ; for when dead you ain't
wuth a copper ; but to see yoo torn away livin, &
wuth $2,000 in enny market — it's too much, it's
too much ! "

And he fainted, fallin across the old man.

"Who'll do the work about the house?" shreekt
the old lady, faintin and fallin across Tom.

" Who'll dress us, and wash us, and wait on us? "
shreekt the three daughters, swoondmg away, and
fallin across the old woman.

My first impulse wuz to faint away myself, and
fall across the three daughters ; but I restraned my-
self, and wuz contented with strikin a attitood and
organizin a tablo. Hustlin the niggers away with a
burnin cuss for their ingratitood, I spent the balance
uv the forenoon in bringin on em too. Wun by
wun they became conshus ; but they wuz not their-
selves. Their minds wuz evidently shattered ; they
wuz carryin a heavy heart in their buzzums.

Wood, Oh ! wood that Seward cood hev seen that
groop I Sich misery does Ablishinism bring in its

4© SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

trane— isich horrers foUers a departure from Dimi-
kratic teechins. When will reason return to the
people? Eko answers, When?

Petroeeum V. Nasby,
Lait Pastel xiv the Church uy the Noo Dispensashnn.

Conversation with a Kentuckian. 4>

VI.

A Conversation with a Loyal Kentuckian^ •who
had Faith in the Jinal Triumph of Detnocracy.

CONPBDKIT X KOADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 6, 1866,

\

I SEE a lite. Democricy is not that dead karkis
its enemies hoped for and its friends feared. My
noomerious friends here insisted that ez I wuz grow-
in into the seer and yaller leaf, I shood abandon
Dimocrisy, and flote with the current. I cant. Ez
troo ez the needle to the pole, so am I to Dimocrisy.
Young wimmin flock to marryins, middle-aged ones
to bornins, and old ones to buryins, which shows
concloosively to the most limited intelleck wat the
mind uv each class runs upon. So it is with me.
To me Dimocrisy is wife, mother, and child.

I hev diskivered many things sense I hev bin in
Kentucky — things wich elevated my deprest heart
ez yeast does dough, wich filled my shrunken soul
ez wind does a bladder.

48 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

The people uv Kentucky wuz all loyal. Doorin
the horrible fratrisidle war wich hez rent the proud
temple uv liberty into twain, they preserved a strict
nootrality. I hed a conversation with wun old pa-
triarch, who asshoored me that he hed never taken
sides.

Upon his honor, he asshoored me that, after hat-
ties, he rifled the corpses uv both armies, impartially.
"Good any boddy be more nootraller than that?"
he asked. "My sons,'" sed he, " wuz in the confed-
rit army. This fact wood hev turned the affections
uv a week-minded man in that direction ; but when
I thot uv the boys, I alluz thot also uv that gellori-
ous star-spangled banner, under wich I hed whipped
my niggers and sold their children ; under whose
shadder I hed men servants, and made servants, and
home-made sei-vants born unto me. That banner
hed bin my shield. Ef my niggers run off", who so
prompt in their pursoot ez the Democratic marshals,
wich alluz returned em to me ef it wuz possible?
The instooshun wuz guaranteed to me by solemn
compermises, wich we cood hev ez oflen ez we de-
sired. Compermises wuz our best holt. When-
ever we wanted anything, all we hed to do wuz to
ask for it. The Ablishinists wood object, the Di-
mocrisy wood draw up a compermise, wich inklood-

Conversation with a Kentuckian. 49

ed, ez a rool, twice or 3 times wat we asked, and
pass it to save the Union. Sich a Union wuz worth
havin, and I opposed all efforts to dissolute it. Hed
the South succeeded, I shood hev gone with em ; for
Kentucky alone — the only nigger State in the North
— wood hev bin helpless. Scaldin tears hev I shed
when contemplatin the horrors uv war ; but I cood
do nothin to avert it. Kentucky wuz loyal, but
nootral."

I find down here that the loyal citizens uv Ken-
tucky who hev returned from the confedrit service
are not at all discouraged ; on the contrary, they
are hopeful. Sed one to me (I bleeve he wuz a
Kernel under Gen. Forest ; indeed, I think he fold
me he participated in the glorious victory at Fort
Filler),—

"Why art thou cast down? Things is workin
eggsackly to our hand."

In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to per-
seeve it.

" I kin," sez he. " Lookye, my venerable friend.
Is the Northern Dimocrisy still troo ? "
."They is," I replied, "wat few remains. But,
alas ! war, crool war, hez decimated oiu- ranks five
times."

"How so?" sez he. "None irv your kind uv
4

50 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Democrats jined in this unholy croosade, and fell
afore our deth-deelin swords — did they?"

" Not any," sez I ; " but Kanady and Montana
took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz
so beet at the eleckshims. For one week-kneed Ab-
lishinist we scared into our ranks, we lost two by
emigration; and, imfortunitly, wun half that emi-
grated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited
in the various States prisons in them lands uv ref-
uge."

" Still," sez he, " it matters not. Yoo hev dee-
stricks yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five
Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo Gersey
will go back to her allegiance. The new gold
States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will
send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez 2 de-
voted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most
uv the Northern States will send one or two ; and
them from the North kin be depended on to go any
measure we say. Then " — and he slapped me on
the back highlariously — " the niggers is free ! "

^ " Well ? " sez I, not seein wat cause for highlarity
that wuz.

I " Well," sez he, " them niggers is not now other
PERSONS I We alluz counted five uv em for three
in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to ;

Conversation with a Kentuckian. 51

now tliey count as white men, wicli increases our
delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo Northern
men do half yoor dooty, we'll hev a majority in Con-
gress. Then, good Lord ! the pleasant crack uv the
whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny
South. The niggers wont be re-enslaved ; but our
Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their normal
condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel
Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afri-
kin shel be freej but the good uv society demands
that he shel be under proper guardianship. He
wont be allowed to change his location ; and the
laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give
us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed
to hev arms, so he can't resist. Ez he can't leave a
plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools
ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be
shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun,
akording to circumstances. Ef the planter is a un-
rejenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him ;
ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a bless-
ed immortality beyond the grave, he'll restrane his
anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he
repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein
free and responsible for theirselves, we ain't obleeged
to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so

52 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

it will be really better than it wuz before, I see a
gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv
gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say
to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin
they shel lick our hands ; agin they shel eat the
crumbs that fall from the National table.

"Thank Grod for the Northern Dimocrisy, with
the other blessins He has given the South. With
niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with
Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the
same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless
the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, wich is
both useful to us, each in his speer ! "

I drew encouragement from his remarks. The

deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through

his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly

pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv

the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich

still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I

feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North,

let us

" Our vigger renoo,
And our journey puisoo,"

and I feel shoor that success will at last crown out
efforts.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

A Vision. 53

VII.

A Vision. — Celebration of the Anniversary of
tht Taking of Neva Orleans. — In the Vision
the Spirit of Andrew fackson appears, and
discourses of Various Things.

CoNPEDMT X Roads ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

January 12, 1866. J

WE had sort uv a celebrashun uv the 8th day
uv Janooary at the Corners last nite. My
meetin house vsoiz gorgeously decorated for the oc-
cashun ; the walls bein hung with confedrit battle
flags, and on the corners of the pulpit wuz placed
two skulls uv Yankees, picked up at Andersonville
by one of the guards, who is now a loyal citizen uv
this State, residin at this pint. These skulls wuz
illuminated by placin a taller candle inside uv each
uv em. The effect wuz inspirin. The guard who
contributed em, is, I need not say, a conservative
Democrat, and in the matter uv swearing at Ablish-
nists he displays more talent, and hez a more com-
prehensive range uv oaths, than any man I ever

54 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

knowed. The church wuz also decorated with
mottoes, furnished by myself and others, uv wich
the followin is some uv em : —

" The Yoonyun ez it wuz — under Bookanan."

" The noble dead uv Kentucky — them ez fell
pintin their guns north we'll alluz remember."

" Our returned soljers — beaten, but not con-
kered."

" Niggers and northern Dimocrisey — weVe lost
the first ; thank God, the latter is ours forever."

I hevn't time nor space to give, in full, the per-
ceedins uv the evenin. Suffice it to say, at 12, pre-
cisely, the company broke up, and sich uv em ez
were able, departed. I remained. There wuz suthin
in the refreshments wich indoost me to stay ; in fact,
I coodn't conveniently get out from under the table,
where I hed fallen.

While peacefully sleepin the sleep uv innosence,
my unfettered sole went orf on a explorin expedishen
into the land uv dreams, and I dreamed.

Methawt that we wuz celebratin the anniversary
uv the battle uv Noo Orleans, on a heavier skale
than the wun just closed. We hed, at our festive
board, all the grate lites uv Dimocrisy. There wuz
Fernandy Wood and his brother Ben, and Dan
Voorhes. and the grate Valandigum and Frank

A Vision. 55

Peerce, and Bookanon hed consented to emerge
from his saint-like retirement, and meet with us.
The South wuz represented by sich noble Dimo-
crats ez Yancy, and Toombs, and Wigfall ; in short,
it wuz a reyoonyun uv old-time Dimocrats, met not
only to honor the memry uv Jackson, but to consult
ez to the best method uv savin the yoonyun from
the rox uv Abolishun onto wich it seems now to be
driftin.

The gileless Bookanon wuz President uv the
evenin, and Breckinridge Vice President, and toasts
wuz drank ez follows : —

" The ancient Dimocrisy — troo to the country, ez
long ez there is an office to be filled."

Response by Fernandy Wood.

"The President uv the evenin — the last Dimo-
cratic President uv the Yoonited States."

Mr Bookanan rose to respond, but he wuz over-
kum, and sank back, his eyes suffoozed with tears.
In a voice broken with emoshun, he intimated that
he wuz in daily expectation uv bein translated, ez
Elijer wuz, in a barouche with two white bosses.
" White," he repeated ; " for ef the team is black, I
won't go ; I'll die the nateral way fust." " My
trends," sed he, " keep my mande out uv the handii
uv the Jews. Wher is the Elisha who'll wear it?"

56 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

f " The yoonun ez it wuz, the constooshun ez it is,
and the nigger where he ought to be."

Response by Breckinridge, who sed he hed bin
four years fightin the battles uv the Dimocrisy,
whose prinsiples wuz happily set forth in tlie senti-
ment. Beeten in the field, we must fight it out at
the ballot-box. Nil despritrando must be the mot-
to uv the Dimocrisy.

" Androo Jaxon, the — "

As thus much uv the toast wuz read, there wuz a
clap uv thunder heard, wich shook the buildin, and
made not only the windows rattle, but the glasses to
dance on the table, and the gost uv Androo Jaxson
hisself, in the uniform uv 181 2, come down through
the ceelin. There wuz a frown on his countenance,
terrible to behold. Turnin to the company, he
remarked that the gate-keeper uv hell must hev
slept at his post, for out uv no other Depository
cood there be gathered so many villianous counte-
nances. " I perpose," sed he, " to respond to this
sentiment myself." The Woods slid out uv their
seets, under the table ; Breckinridge sneaked out uv
the church ; Vallandigham, with his natural impu-
dence, tried to face it out, but one look from Androo
J. finished him, and he slid, and Bookannon tried

A Vision. 57

to git out, but Androo caught him by the collar, and
held him.

'•' I hev suthin to say to yoo. The chair yoo
wunst disgraced, I okkepied, called to it, ez yoo
wuz, by the voice uv the peeple. I swore to pre-
serve the constitooshen and the yoonyun, and so did
yoo. I did it, and yoo didn't. When South Carliny
undertook to nullify, I bustid the arrangement, becoz
I didn't propose to hev the yoonyun I fought for in
two wars go down to death, when a particle uv
pluck, put in at the right time, cood save it. Yoo
mite hev dun the same, but yoo woodent. Yoo
took the seat for the purpose of bustin it ; for one
term of the Presidency yoo agreed to destroy the
Government.

"What are yoo here for?" shouted the gost in a
terribly sepulkral tone, and a stampin his feet and
gritlin his teeth. " To celebrate the battle uv Noo
Orleans? Yoo stole the livery uv Jaxon to serve
Calhoon in. Under the shadder uv my name, yoor
dooing deeds wich, ef I wuz in the flesh, I'd hang
yoo for. How I wished, in '60 and '61, I cood
revisit the earth. I'd hev histed yoo out uv the seat
yoo disgraced, and never hev let Linkin hed the
credit uv puttin down a rebellion. It wood hev bin
lively for some uv yoo. I'd hev ornamented the

S8 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

trees with your karkises ; the Southern buzzards
wood hev grown fat on secesh korpses.

" Go back, yoo idiots — go back to your first love.
Get the wool out uv your teeth, and try to think
more uv your country than yoo do uv a yaller girl.
Yoo kin y't repent. A. Johnson, whose initials is
the same ez mine, runs over with mercy, or he
wood hev hung the half uv yoo. Repent and be
saved. There is a slite chance for yoo yit. The
dyin theef wuz pardoned on the cross, wich ought
to be encouragin to yoo, for yoo hev longer time left
in wich to repent, and the Lord knows yoo need it.
But ef yoo will go on in yer iniquity, do it on yoor
own hook. Don't take my name in vain no more.
I hevn't nothin in common with yoo, nor never had.
Yoo yoosed to follow me, the same ez a drove uv
jackals alluz follers a lion, to devour the hides, and
bones, and offal that he despises. The lion hez gone
hentz, and yoor takin his skin, and are trying to imi-
tate his roar. The skin hangs loose upon yoo, and
the roar is a misei-able squeak. Never let me hear
of yoor celebratin any more uv my doins. I go."

And in another clap of thunder, the gost ascendid
through the roof agin.

I awoke. A cold sweat wuz a standin on my
intellectooal brow, and a mortal shiverin shook me.

A Vision. ^9

I wuz alone in the church, under the table where 1
originally fell, and around me wuz shattered, in
confusion, the remnant uv the feast. I thot to my-
self, ef sich wuz the effect uv a dream uv the gost
Jaxon, wat wood ensoo ef he shood be raised from
the dead, and visit the Dimocrisy in the flesh. Then
wood my prayer be continooally, " Good Lord,
deliver us."

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Church ut the Koo Dispensashun.

6o SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

VIII.

A Plan suggested for the Uf-huilding of the De-
mocracy. — The Idea not New, but one ivhich the
Leaders of the Fierce, Democracy have acted
u;pon from the Beginning.

'■I

CONPEDEIT X KOADS

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
January 27, 1866.

HALLELOOGY! halleloogy! halleloogy! I
see a lite ! It beams onto me ! It genetrates
me I It fills me ! Goy to the world !

I hev diskivered the cause uv the decline uv the
Dimocrisy. I seed it yisterday. I wuz a wanderin
on the neighborin hills, a musin onto the cussednis
uv humanity ez exemplified in the person uv the
grocery keeper at the Corners, who unanimusly
refoozed to give me further credit for corn whisky,
wich is the article they yoose in this country to pi
zen theirselves with. He asshoored me that he hed
the utmost regard for my many virtues ; but he dis-
jkivered that the one he prized the most I hedn't so
many uv, to wit, that uv payin for my likker.

A Plan for Up-building the Democracy. 6i

Therefore the account mite be considered closed.
Then, for the fust time in my life, I bleeved in total
depravity.

While musin, in a melonkoly mood, on this dark
cloud wich fell across my pathway, and the fall uv
the Dimocratic party, I came onto a party of men
borin for ile. Then the trooth flashed over me.
Their operations showed me the way to success —
the shoor path to triumph.

" When," said I to myself, " when men seek gain
they bore for it. They go down — never up. Even
so with the Dimocrisy. We dug downward, down-
ward, downward, through all the strata uv society.
We went through the groceries ; the next stratum
was the most ignorant uv the furiners ; then we
struck the poor whites uv the South ; then, below
them, the heft uv the people uv Noo Gersy ; then
Southern Illinoy and Indiana ; then Pike county,
Missouri ; and so on. We never went upward for
converts, cause 'twant no use. When a man wanted
to jine us he alluz hed to come down. We got lots
of converts.

There was a regular slidin scale, which the heft
vv Democrats who wuznt born in the party hev
slid down ; to wit : —

Quarter doll ir smiles.

62 SwiNGiN Round the Ciiua.E.

15 cei t nips.

10 cent drinks.

5 cent sucks.

A flat flask conceded.

A bottle openly.

Dimocrisy.

We lost our hold for two reasons. First, the poor
likker we hev now kills off our voters too fast ; and
the tax on whiskey forced two tl-iirds uv our people
to quit suckin, and ez soon ez they begun to git on
their feet they jined the Ablishnists. Secondly, oui
leaders spozed there wuz no lower stratum to dig
into, and give up in disgust.

But I hev deskivered that lower stratum — I hev
found it ; and when the idea flashed over my Web-
sterian intelleck, I shouted Halleloogy ! The nig-
ger is the lower stratum ; and ef we bore down to
it, and work it thoroughly, we hev, at least, a twenty
years' lease uv power.

We must cultivate the nigger. He must hev
THE SUFFRAGE ! It is a burnin shame, that, in this
Nineteenth Sentry, in the full blaze uv intelligence,
livin under a Deklarashun which declares all men
" free and ekal," that a large body uv men shood be:
denied the glorius privilege uv bein taken up to the
poles and voted. Is not the Afrikin a man? Is he

A Plan for Up-building the Democracy. 63

n ot taxed ez we are, and more than most uv the De-
niocrisy, for many uv em own property? Is he
not amenable to all the laws, even ez we is? Then
why, I triumphantly ask, is he not entitled to a vote?
Ah ! why, indeed ?

" But this is Ablishnism ! " methinks I hear a ob-
toose Dimocrisy observe in horrer. " And why give
them votes who will use em agin us ? "

My gentle friend, 'will they use their ballot agin
us? Ef I know myself, I think not. Kin they read?
Kin they write? Aint the bulk uv em rather de-
graded and low than otherwise ? Methinks. Aint
that the kind uv stock we want, and the kind wich
hez alluz set us up ? Readin hez alluz bin agin us.
Every skool master is a engine uv Ablishnism;
every noosepaper is a cuss. General Wise, uv Vir-
ginia, when he thanked God there wuzn't a noose-
paper in his deestrick, hed reason to ; for do yoo
spoze a readin constitooency wood hev ever kept
sich a blatherskite ez him in Congress year after
year?

Then, agin, the Constooshnal Amendment will
pass, givin representashen to voters alone. The
Democratic States will hev more members uv Con-
gress and more electoral votes than afore the war ;
and tliem States we kin depend on.

64 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

But my skeem is still more comprehensive. Them
niggers ain't needed in the South. We'll send em
North. A few thousand will overbalance the Ab-
lishun majority in Noo Gersey ; fifty thousan-d will
bring Ohio back to the fold ; the same number will
do for New York and Pennsylvany, and the coun-
try is saved — we will be able to elect the President.
TIius the pit the Ablishnist dug for us he'll fall into
hisself ; the club he cut for us will break his own
head.

Honey hez kum out uv the carcass ; good hez
perceded from Nazareth. The nigger smells sweeter
to me now than Nite bloomin Serious ; he is more
precious to me than gold, or silver, or preshus stones.
He is the way, and I shel walk in it. He shel lift
me into a Post orifis. We must give our Afrikin
brother, — for is he not a man and a brother? — not
only the suffrage, but he must hev land, and the De-
mocracy must give it to him. I want Garrit Davis
to instantly interdoose a bill into the Senit givin
each family a quarter section uv land, a pair uv
mules, and a cook stove ; and each fern aie 'Afrikin
brother two flarin calico dresses and a red bonnet.
I want him to advocate the bill in a speech uv not
more than two hours, so that it will stand some
chance uv passin. On second thought, I guess some

A Plan for Up-building the Democracy. 65

other man hed better interdoose the bill, as the Sen
nit hez got into sich a habit uv votin down every-
tliing he proposes, that they'd slather this without
considerin it, on jineral principles.

Then we've got em. Work ez hard ez they may
at it, it'll take twenty years afore the Ablishinists
kin edjukate em up to the standard uv votin their
tikkit ; and even that time won't do it if we kin git
the tax taken off uv whiskey, so that we kin afford
to use it ez in the happy days uv yore.

Goyusly I went home to lay the foundashun uv
the new temple uv DImocrisy. I slept that nite
atween two niggers, and hev bin shakin hands and
enquirin after the health uv the families uv all I hev
met. Its rather hard for an orthodox Democrat.
Sich sudden shifts is rather wrenchin on the con-
shence. But what uv that? The Dimocrat who
hez follered the party closely for thirty years ought
not to balk at sich a triflin change ez this, pertiklerly
when it promises sich glorious results.

" There's a lite about to gleem,
There's a fount about to streem,
"Wait a little longer ! "

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the JJ^oo Dispensashun.

5

66 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

IX.

Enjcvs a Vision of the Next World, seeing therein
many Curious Things, which are published as
a Warning to Politicians.

CoNjEDEiT X Roads i

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentuckyy, V

February 5, 1866. )

LAST nite I retired to my virtoous couch, at
precisely half past eleven, after eatin a rather
light supper for that time uv night. I alluz make it
a pint to eat light in the evenin, for I'm gittin old,
and my digestive faculties ain't what they vv^as when
I wuz young. Alas ! we who hev lived out the
best part uv our days, wat wood we give to be set
back to the time when, with our faculties unim-
paired, we cood consoom a good square meal with-
out fear uv consekenses ! But

'• Them happy days is fled,
And never will return."

I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv
pig's feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe,

A Vision of the Next World. 67

follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a couple or
more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch ; and singler
ez it may seem, it didn't set well. I dreamed all
night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Me-
thawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It
was a singler site that met my vision. The dividin
line atween this world and the next wuz a swift
stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to
cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the
Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything.
Good walk on it, but they sunk down in it if they
wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry.
On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven ; the
dominions uv his majesty Satan the ist wuz below,
and to it a strong under current flowed, which took
all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their
chins above water.

On the bank stood more than two millions uv
little devils, who flung onto the shoulders uv them
tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and
iniquities.

General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw
enter the flood. He hed on a life presei-ver, labelled
" States Rights," but a peert little devil stuck a pin
into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz
filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he

68 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages
labelled "Treason," "Perjury," and "Murder," and
John C. went under.

Old James Buckanon went next. The old gen-
tleman didn't keep above water as long ez a able
bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his
hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled
" Treason " struck him, and down he went. The
gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in
charge had a big pile more uv ammunition to dis-
charge at him, but that one wuz sufHcient.

Vallandigham come next. . I wuz surprised to see
no one make a motion at him, but he sunk all the
same. " We never waste effort," sed Satan to me ;
" he carries enough natural cussedness about him,
all the time, to sink him, without pilin any devil-
ment on his shoulders wich is ten days old."

Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined
to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each
leg wuz tied a weight labelled " Kansas," and they
flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that's
the last I seed uv him.

Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed
over safely. Notliin wuz flung at him, for wich I
asked the reason.

" Why," sed Satan, " the poor old man isn't ac-

A Vision of the Next World. 69

countable. He commenced to talk many years ago,
and keeps on talkin because he really don't know
when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact
is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the Yoo-
nited States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a
dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I'm gettin
more from Kentucky now than I am really entitled
to. I've a mortgage on two-thirds uv that State."

Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold,
and entered the flood ez though they were sure' uv
goin through all right. With a inimitable chuckle,
Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and
sed, " Leave em to me,'' and at Ben he hurled a
package uv the New York News, wich swashed
him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz begin-
nin to reach the other shore, he flung onto him
an assortment uv weights, labelled " Lotteries " and
" Riots," which took him down to the arm pits, and
finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz
written " Mayoralty," and down he went ; at wich
His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.

Seein the style uv the men who sunk,. I remarked
unto him, —

" This war hez bin a rather profitable thing for
you."

" Nothin to speek uv," sed he. " The leaders uv

yo SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

the Southerners were, sum uv em, honest, and got
through on that account, and the rank and file were
ignorant wretches, who ain't accountable, no how.
The leading copperheads uv the North were mine,
p.nyhow, firom the beginnin. Any man who cood
sympathize with the rebels in sich a struggle, must,
yoo will acknowledge, hev hed a long career uv ini-
quity to fit em for sich a sin. Why," sed he, " do
yoo think I use all the shot I hev? Not any. Them
yoove seen piled on were used because, bein the
last, they were on the top uv the pile.

"Any quantity uv yoor party escaped me. Them
fellows who are yet votin for Jackson I'll never git,
and the most uv them ez alluz votes unscratched
tickets will dodge me. Their innocence protects
em. It takes a modritly smart man to be vishus
enuff to come to me ; he hez to hev sense enuff" to
distinguish between good and evil, cussednis enuff
to deliberately choose the latter, and brains enuflT to
do suthin startlin in that line. Dan Voorhees, uv
Injeany, hez all these qualities developed to a degree
wich excites my profound respect. Between him
and Fernandy Wood its nip and tuck. Fernandy
did wicked things with more neatnis than Voohees,
but for a actual love uv doin em Voohees beets the
world. I sed," continued he, " that the war wuzn't

A Vision of the Next World. 71

uv much yoose to me. I repeat it ; it wuz a dam-
age. Afore the war, I hed my own way, pretty
much, in the Southern States. For every octoroon,
I cood count on at least two planters, and under the
patriarkle system uv Afrikin slavery (wich, by the
way, wuz one uv my most brilliant consepshuns),
octooroons multiplied with a rapidity pleasin to be-
hold. But now, alas ! the octooroon bizness is done,
and my best holt is gone. I hev some little hope,
however. The Dimocrisy are displayin a vigger ,1
didn't think they possest. Ef they kin only git
strength enuff to elect the next President and re-
establish slavery ! The thought fills me with unut-
terable joy. The redoosin of the nigger to bondage
agin wood give me' a clean title to evry last one who
helped to do it, and in gittin em back into their nor-
mal condishun (by the way, that's another phrase
uv mine), ther'd be enuff skughterin and murders to
satisfy several sich Satans ez I am. I'd help em ef
I'knowd how, but I can't improve on either their
speekers or writers, and ez long ez men will do my
work gratis, I don't see the yoose uv interferin."

At this pint a couple uv small imps undertook to
push -me into the stream, and in the struggle, I
awoke. My dreem wuz o'er, but the impreshun
remained. " Kin it be," mused I, pensively, " that

72 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

we are doin the devil's work, and are we to be
finally rewarded in the manner I saw in my vision?
Ef so, hedn't I better quit and repent?"

But I thought agin, that however it mite be for
younger men, it wood be uv no yoose for me. I
hed voted the strait ticket for tliirty years, and the
ten or twelve years I hed to live wuz too short a
time in which to repent successfully uv sich iniquity.
So I sank into sleep agin, this time dreemin that I
had turned Fenian — hed elected myself Hed Cen-
ter for the Stait uv Kentucky, and wuz just investin
$75,000 in a magnificent plantashun.

PETROLEtTM V. NaSBY,
Lait Faster ut the Chuich uv the Noo Dispensashun.

A Sonnet. 73

SONNIT

Onto a Soldier, ivich wuz wunst a Dimekrat, but
is now a hovilin Ablishnist, loich I saw a limfin
about on one Leg, hevin leji the other at Antee^
tarn.

BLOO-KOTED monster ! thou wentest forth
Armed with thy rifle and sharp-pinted bayonet,
Whose peeked eend with Southern blood is wet :
I hate thee, tool and minyun uv the North !
Thou wast a Dimekrat : them kote and pants.
The wavin flag, the gun with peeked eend,
Turned yoo into a AboHshn feend.
Who sucked the blood uv Dimekratic saints.
Monster unnachral ! by niggerism hatched.

Thousands and more uv Dimokrats yoo've slain,
Who'll never rally to the poles again
To vote, ez wunst they did, a tikkit all unskratched.
Avant ! the work yoo did our party is undoin :
To us yoor kote uv bloo is jest bloo rooi/l

74 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklh.

XI.

The Situation. — The Attempt of the President
to wheedle Democrats into Supporting his
Policy without giving them the Offices com-
mented upon. — The Democracy warned.

CoNPEDEiT X Roads ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

February 15, 1866. 3

IHEV had hopes uv Androo Johnson. My wait
in sole hez bin centred onto him for a year back.
He wuz the Moses wich I spected wood lead the
Deniocrisy out uv the desolate Egypt into which we
hev bin making bricks without straw for five long
weary and dreaiy years. O, how I hev yearned
for Johnson ! O, how I hev waited, day after
day, and week after week, and month after month,
for some manifestation uv Dimocrisy wich is satis-
factory — suthin tangible — suthin that I cood take
hold on.

Faith is the substance uv things hoped for, and the
evidence of things not seen ; wich is all right so fur

The Democracy Warned. 75

ez religion ez concerned, but uv no account in poli-
tix. A friend uv mine, who wuz a monomaniack
on the subjick uv faith, undertook to live on it, un-
der the insane belief that ef a man had faith pork
wuz unnecessary. Wuz the experiment a success?
Not any. When he commenst the trial he weighed
200 ; in a week he wuz down to 125 ; and in four-
teen days he slep in the valley !

I hev bin livin on faith for a year or more, and I
too am thin. My bones show ; light shines through
me ; I am faint and sick. Oh, for suthin that I can
see and feel — suthin solid !

Our Dimocratic noosepapers are supportin An-
droo Johnson. They claim that his polisy is our
poHsy ; that he is ourn, and we are hizn. They are
singin hosanners to him. At his every act they ex-
claim Halleloogy ! in chorus. What is it all about ?
In what partikeler hez Androo Johnson showed his-
self to be a Dimokrat? In the name uv Dimocrisy
let me ask, " Where is the offices ? " Who's
got era ? What is the politikle convickshuns uv the
wretch who is post master at the Corners, and who
only last nite refused, in the most heartless manner,
to trust me for postage stamps? Who is the Col-
lectors, the Assessors, et settry? Are they consti-
tooshnel Dimokrats? Is Stanton, and Seward, and

76 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Welleu histed out uv the cabinet, and Vallandigum,
and Brite, and Wood apinted in their places? Not
onct. Every post master, every collector, every as-
sessor, every officer, is a ablishinist, dyed deeply
and in fast colors.

Faith without works is a weak institution; its
like a whisky punch with the whisky omitted, wich
is a disgustin mixter uv warm water and sugar.
What is it to me (who hev bin ready to accept any
position uv wich the salary wuz sufficient to main-
tain a individooal uv simple habits) who is beheaded,
so ez I don't get a place ? Androo Johnson may cut
off offishl heads ez dexterously and proofoosely ez
he chooses ; but my sole refuses to thrill when I
know that Ablishnists, though uv a different stripe,
will be apinted. So long ez Dimocrats are kept
out, what care I who hez the places? Paul may
plant and Apollus water ; but uv what account
is the plantin and waterin to me ef I don't get the
increase ? I take no delight in sich spectacles. Ef
Androo Johnson proposes to be a Dimockrat, — ef
he desires the honest, hearty support of the party, —
let him seel his faith with works.

I visited Washington with the express purpose uv
Beein the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I
laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told

The Democracy Warned. 77

him that the Postmaster at the Corners wuz opposin
his policy and aboosin him continually ; that it wuz
a outrage that men holdin place under the Admin-
istration should not sustain the Administration. In
the name uv Right, I demanded a change.

I sposed that to wunst the position would be of-
fered to me ; and after protestin a sufficient time
that I did not wish it, and would prefer the apint-
ment of some more worthy man, I should accept it,
and go home provided for tliree years. Imagine my
deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that
he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood
make a change, provided he could find, in the

VICINITY, SOME ORIGINAL UnION MAN WHO WOULD
ACCEPT THE PLACE !

Then the iron entered my soul. Then I felt that
in him we had no lot nor part.

Our principles are uv a very comprehensive na-
ture. We are willin to endorse Andro Johnson, or
any other man. We will endorse his theories uv
Reconstruction, or any man's theories. We are
elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hen on
a hundred eggs acknow^ledged to his maternal pa-
Tent that she could not kiver em ; but he remarked
he wanted to see the old thing spred herself. We
have that spreadin capacity. We kin accoramod^te

}'8 SwiNOiN Round the Cirkle.

the prejudices uv the people uv all the various local-
ities. In Connecticut we are singin John Brown's
body lies a mouldrin in the grave, in a modritly loud
tone, and supporting a Ablishnist who voted for
doin away with slavery in the District of Columby
and for the Constooshnel Amendment. In Ken-
tucky we are hangin men uv the John Brown style,
and mobbin all uv the persuasion uv the Connecticut
nominee. Sich a variety uv principle, — a party uv
sich adaptibility, — kin hev but one great central
idee, on wich there is no diversity uv opinion, and
to which all other ideas is subordinate. That idea
is Post Office ! and ef Androo Johnson could be
got rite on that question, we'd care not wat else he
required uv us.

We hev our arms aroimd Androo. We are hug-
gin him to our buzzums ; but he hez left his baggage
to hum. That baggage is wat we want ; and we
shel fling him off shortly, onless he changes hib
policy in this respeck. He kin hev us on easy
terms; but he must furnish the ammunishun witli
which to fight his battles. Will he do it? That's
the question a hundred thousand hungry soles, who
hanker even ez I do, are daily askin.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

The President's 22d February Speech. 79

The Presidents 22d of February Speech. — The
Account thereof of One behind the Scenes. —
Hofes and Fears of the Democracy.

Washington, February 23, 1866.

I DON'T know ; but there is a still small voice
within me wich whispers, " All is well ! " The
delusive phantom, Hope, may be playin false with
me. The wish may be paternal parient to the
thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream from
wich I shel be, to-morrer, roodly awakened ; but
it's my opinion that the day-star uv glory hez arozen
onto the Dimocracy ; that our night uv gloom is
over; and that, at larst, the Government, or at
least the only part we care about, — the offisis, —
is ourn. I heerd Androo Johnson speak last nite I
I stood beside him ! I helpt hold him up I I smelt
HIS BREATH. It's all rite !

I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied
assortment iv Ablishn abominashens, — the Freed-

8o SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

men's Burow bill, — notwithstandin there were
pints in his message I coodent sanction. The veto
wuz heavenly, but his reasons were unsound.
When he expressed hisself ez bein determined
upon sekoorin the niggers in their rites, I felt
fearful that there wuz a honist diffrence uv opinion
atween him and Congress wich mite be settled,
and then what wood become uv us? Ef the nig-
gers is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked
myself, what difference does it make to us whether
they hev em by Charles Sumner's system (on whose
head rest cusses!), or A. Johnson's? And ez is
customary when men ask theirselves questions, I got
no answer. Men never ask theirselves questions
wich kin be answered.

But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little
Sam Cox, and Dan Voorhees, and the Woods, and
Tom Florence, and Coyle, and me, hed bin with
Androo all day. The Ablishnists avoided him ifter
the veto ; and knowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't
quite shoor wuz wise, he needed bracin up, and we
wuz ready to brace him. Isn't it singler that anen,
when they go to the devil, alluz go in squads? Cox
hed him cornered all day, a readin to him exti'ax
from Forrey's Press, and choice selections from
Sumner's speeches; and Voorhees and the others

The President's 22d February Speech. 8i

wuz a intimatin to him that only in the buzzum uv
the Dimocrisy ccod he find that conjeniality uv
sperit so nessary to him ; and by the time the ser-
enade wuz ready, he wuz ez full uv venom ez wuz
possible, and his capassity in that line is immense.

The company all went with him onto the stand,
and my eyes saw the first cheerin vision wich they
hev beheld for years. Before us stood ten thousand
or more Dimocrats. There wuz the veteran from
Lee's army in his soot uv gray, which hed, by con-
tinyood contact with the pavements uv Washington
— wich, not hevin bin slept on much, sense Bookan-
non's time, they don't sweep — hed become some-
what uv the color uv the clay. There wuz the ofii-
ser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble
sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly, and Charleston,
who, though they didn't serve their section in the
field, were ardent in their support uv the cause.
There were the old-style Dimocrats uv the North,
whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the
scene wich took place at the inauguration, wuz
greater than mine, hed come on with their applica-
tions for Post OfEses, and who jined so heartily in
the cheers wich went up for J. Davis : and there,
addressin this crowd, wuz a President — the man
6

Sa SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

who. had the appintin power in his hands — who
cood make and unmake Post OfRsis.

It did me good, and yet I doubtid. Wood he go
through with it? Wood he lock horns with Wade
and Sumner, and dare the wrath uv Thad Stevens?
Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he
saw the style uv the awdience before him ; for he
lied bin, for f jur years, accustomed to better dressed
people. But Cox and Florence wuz ekal to the
emergency. Samyooel whispered into his one ear,
" Whitewash ! " and Florence into tother, " Charles
the I. ! " and flamin up like a conflagratid oil well,
he waded it. Then I felt tliat it wuz all right.
Then my soul expanded ; and ez he went on, pilin
Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, usin Tennessee stump
slang, improved by a liberal mixter uv the more
desprit variety he bed picked up in Was hintou and
Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us.
He wuz talkin ez a Dimokrat to Dimokrats ; and it
wuz appreciated. Strippin off all uv the disguise,
he hed bin a wearin for four years, — washin off, in
rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wicli
he hed shined up his dullness, and filled up the
cracks and cavities wich hed alluz ti-oubled him, —
he stood forth ez we knowd him — Androo Johnson !
How he did froth and foam I How he did lash his

The President's 22d February Speech. 83

late associates ! and how those Dimokrats -who
■ kum to Washit ton with petitions for places in their
pockets did wink at each other, and poke each other
in the ribs, with exultation and jockelarity wich
they cood not conceal ! And how the Ablishnists,
wich hung onto the outskirts uv the crowd, in the
hope that he wood declare himself in sich a way
ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrow-
fully and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a new
trouble afore em ! And how the soljers uv Lee, and
the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond their
headquarters doorin the war, did cheer and sling
their hats into the air, and in the uncontrollable
enthoosiasm uv the moment invariably snatch bet-
ter ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the
crowd ! It wuz gorgus.

While His Eggslency's course gives me hope, I
don't want it to be understood that I am prepared to
fully and entirely indorse him. I don't go much on
men who do tilings in a state uv madnis ; neither do
I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an
extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a
Dimokrat. Androo Johnson was and is a Dimo-
krat — a ginooine Dimokrat. The accident uv his
learnin to read, in his yooth, gave him a preemi-
nence over us in Tennessee, and put him through

84 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

the various places he hez filled. His affinities wuz
with us ; his style' wuz our ityle, and his habits our
habits ; and he hed no biznis to ever git out uv the
fold. I cannot forgit that he went back on us at a
critikle time in the histry uv the party. He saw
that the effort the Dimocrisy uv the South wuz
makin to regain their rites wood be a failyoor;
the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and
fefoozed to recognize him ; but all this shood not
hev affected him. It's the normal condishn uv the
lower grade uv Dimokrats to be snubbed ; and they
hev no rite to inquire whether anyth'ng the aristoc-
racy uv the party propose is goin to be a failyoor
or not. It's their dooty to obey orders without ques-
tionin.

Wat spiled Johnson wuz Massachbosits. He pre-
tended to be loyal, and Massachoosits patted him
on the back. They took him into good society.
They let him associate with Sumner and sich, and
the man became infatooated. He got to drinkin high
priced drinks, and wearin clean shirts, and begun to
ape the manners uv those into whose sphere he hed
bin thrown. There wuz these two opposin forces
contendin within him — nateral proclivities and ac-
quired tastes — wich may be represented by whiskey
out uv a jug, and mint jooleps at Willard's. Mas-

The President's 22d February Speech. 85

Bychoosits wuz a puIHn him up, and North Carolina
wuz equally vigorously pullin him down. He
wantid to stay with Massychoosits, but he wuz un-
comfortable all the time ; and finally nacher asserted
her supremacy, and he broke over, and like the
water long confined in a dam, when its bustid its
obstructions, and goes, it goes with a loosenis, and
tears up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and
drift wood with it.

Before I tie myself to A. J., I want to know for
certin what he proposes to do. Who is to hev
THE Post Offisis? Is Ablishnists to still retain
the places uv trust and profit? Does he propose
to organize a new party, made up uv sich Republi-
kins ez he can indoose to foller him and the Dimoc-
risy ? Ef so, I ain't in. Decidedly, I ain't in. Em-
phatically, count me out. For the reason, that he
kin git jist enufF Republikins, percisely, and no
more, to fill the offisis, and they will be uv sich a
character ez will do the Dimokrisy no credit. I
won't be tail to no kite. We are willin -to play kite ;
but tail, never ! Ef we boost Androo Johnson, An-
droo Johnson must boost us. Does he think we
kin carry sich a load ez he is for nothin? Nary.
Ef we hev a consoomin desire to git along with-
out offisis, we are doin very well at that now, we

86 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

thank you ; and we haven't the responsibility uv
the Administration uv a eggstremely shaky man to
carry. Sich loafls must be paid for.

But, after all, I hev hopes. He hez cut hisself
loose from Sumner and Stevens ; and in less than a
week every Republikin uv modrit sensibilities will
be aboozin uv him to that extent that he w^on't be
able to git back agin. He's an animal uv the bull
kind ; and criticism and opposition is to him the
red flag wich the Spanish matadors, I bleeve they
call em, waves afore the animals tliey wish to infoo-
riate, and they may drive him into our ranks.

I wait, and watch, and hope. Ef I kin wunst git
a commission, with the broad seel uv tlie Postmaster
General onto it, confirmin me in the possession uv
the Post orifis at the Corners, I shel bless the day
that Androo Johnson left us, and prokoored his ele-
vation to the Presidency. May the day be hastened I
Petroleum V. Nasby,
La it Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

A Warning. 87

XIII.

Another Warning. — Profuse Expenditure ofPoiv-
der and Torchlight Processions defrecated. —
The President implored to show his Hand.

CoNFEDBiT X Roads ^

(wich is in the Stait of Kentucky), \

February 29, 1866. 1

I NOTICE, all over the North, the Democrisy is
a firin guns, and marchin after brass bands, and
hirin halls for endorsin Androo Johnson. Ez a sen-
tinel on the WiiCch-tower, I protest !

In the name uv suffrin Kentucky, uv wich State 1
am a adopted sitizen, I protest !

In the name uv common sense, and ordnary polit-
ikle sagassity, I protest !

Androo Johnson may possibly be on the high road
to Dimocrisy ; but, ez yet, what ashoorence hev we?
Am I datin my letters from " Post Orifis, Confedrit
X Roads ? " Hez there bin, as yit, any well authen-
ticated case uv the removal uv a Ablishnist, and the
apintment uv a constooshnel Democrat in his stead?

88 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Not that I hev heard of. Per contrary, the Ablish-
nists — them ez wuz apinted by Linkin — are still
holdin on, ez calm ez a summer mornin, without
any apparent fear uv any change affectin them.

Who pays for the Halls ? Who pays the music ?
Who pays the Powder? Dimocrats who do these
scent Post Offises in the distanse. Are they like the
the war hoss in Job's writins, who smelled the bat-
tle afar oft', and remarked Ha, Ha ! to the trumpets?
Let me entreet sich that they kin make a better in-
vestment uv their means. <

The cost uv one meetin, put in korn whisky, wood
not only solace theirselves, but start half a dozen
jVblishnists on the road to Dimocrisy.

Men is deceptive. I hev hopes uv Androo John-
son myself, and principally becoz Vallandigum and
Fernandy Wood hev hopes. Them buzzards kin
smell carrion a long distance, and they are seldom
at fault. In this case, they may be. They base their
hopes on Johnson's speech, at Washington, on the
2zd. There may be suthin "in it ; but ain't it possible
that the stench wich they took for Dimocrisy, and
wich they sposed cum from Johnson, ariz from them
ez surrounded him?

" But,'' sez a Dimocrat, whose nose, from long
continued lack of supplies, hez softened down from

A Warning. 89

a generous crimson to a ghastly bloo, and who
woodent hev a small Post orifis at no price, ef it
wuznt offered him, " look at the class he spoke
to."

Wat noncents ! Androo wuz mad. There wuz
a mass uv bile on hiz politikle stumick wich must
be got rid uv. He had sum nasty things to say, and
it wuz a part uv the eternal fitness uv things that he
shood hev a nasty audience to say em to.

I don't propose to go orf into spasms over the
present sitooashun. Johnson proposes to continoo
the Freedmens' Buro, and hezn't no noshun of re-
peelin the test oath, or uv drawin the military out
uv the Dimocratik States. So far as heard from,
we uv the South is still in a stait of abject custitood.
Our habis corpuses wich Linkin took away from us
hevn't bin returned, and we are obleeged to git along
ez best we kin without em. I knocked down a
small nigger yisterday, for the purpus uv assertin
the sooperiority uv the Cauchashun race over the
Afrikin, and wuz to wunst hauled up afore a Freed-
men's Buro, and fined. Our high-toned and chival-
rous members are exclooded from Congris on the
frivolus plea that they wuz kernels and briggydeer
Ginerals in the Confederit scrvis ; and all these out

90 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

ragis agin Dimocrisy Androo Johnson, by permittin,
absolootly approves.

I could probably swaller all these things. I am a
Dimokrat uv thirty years standin, and, uv course,
hev bin on both sides uv every politikle fence. The
seats of my politikle pants is full of slivers. But,
before I take down these things, I WANT TO
KNOW WHAT I AM GOIN TO GIT FOR
IT. Ef Androo Johnson goes back on his party
and his pledges, he, uv course, asks us to go back
on ourn. In sich transactions, where both parties,
by bein engaged in it at all, confess themselves ruth-
er a low grade of skoundrels, I think it well enufF to
hev the consideration paid down.

Ef Androo Johnson wants me, he knows the
terms. I am his to command, for a consideration ;
ez much so ez is the thousands uv Demokrats who
hev bin, for the past week, gittin up Demonstrations.
But I want suthin to go on. When I hev his per-
misson, under the broad seel uv the Post Orfis De-
partment, to write " P. M." after my illustrious
name, I shell be prepared to wade in. I hev bin
huntin up several reasons for supportin him. I hev
em all ready. I only want this additional one, and
then I fling mj banner to the breeze. Faith is sed
to be the' sun of all religious syftems. Post Offis

A Warning. gi

is the central figger in all Democratic creeds — the
theme uv conversation by day, and the staple uv
dreems by night. How long ! oh, how long !
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lalt Faster uy the Churcu uv the Noo Dispensashun

92 SWINGIX RotTOD THE CiRKLB.

XIV.

Refuses to SuffoH the JPresideni, having' no
Confidence in Him. — Again mams the De-
mocracy.

CoNPEDKiT X Roads i

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

March 12, 1866. J

THE politikle sky is orecast with friteful clouds.
Darkness is on the face uv the waters. The
waves is a rollin rnountin high, the litenin flashes
ominous thro the gloom, and the deep-mouthed
thunder mutters angrily in the distants. Ez a senti-
nel on the watch-tower, I look out, and what do I
see ? I see the old ship uv State loaded down with
a valuable cargo uv Post-offices, Collectorships, and
sicli, a laborin in the trough uv the sea, her bow-
sprit cove in, her top-gallant lanyards bustid, her
jib-boom a flutterin in the gale, her capstan spliced,
and her sheet anker torn to ribbons. (Not hevin
bin a sailor, only ez a driver on the Wabash Kanal,
it is possible my nautikle terms may not be alto-
gether correct. But it makes no difference in tlie

Refuses to Support the President. 93

interior uv Kentucky.) She is strivin to make her
harbor, and rs workin manfully. Close behind her
is the long, low, rakish skooner Dimocrisy, with all
sale set, a tryin her best to overtake her and board
her. For a time it seemed ez tho she wood be suc-
cessful, but alas ! she is fallin astern, and every min-
nit the distance between em is a v;'.denin, widenin,
widenin, and at present writin there ain't the re-
motest prospect uv their gettin within hailin distance
uv each other.

To drop mettafor (wich, by the way, I kin jerk
when I feel so disposed), the prospect isn't ez en-
couragin ez it wuz, and I fear, in fact I feel certain,
that the short cut to ofEs wich the Democrisy thought
it had found through Androo Johnson's veto, is reely
the longest way round. I cannot understand what
indoost the Dimocratic leaders, our chosin standard-
bearers, to make sich egrejus asses uv theirselves ez
to place enny dependence on Johnson at all. What
cood they hev bin thinkin uv ? Wuz not our experi-
ence in 1864 sufficient to deter em from makin any
experiment wich involved abandonment uv any uv
our principles? Didn't we, in the hope uv ketchin
Abolition war votes, nominate MickLellan, and
didn't the war men jeer us, and flout us, and say,
'' Behold, we hev better war men uv our own ; why

94 SwiNGIN RotXND THE CiRKLE.

sliood we leave home to find that uv wich we hev a
plenty ? " When Androo Johnson, in a fit uv tem-
porary hidignashun, split on Sumner, why did oui
people, like idiots, pick him up, and endorse him
without givin the matter matoor considerashun —
without waitin for the fax? Didn't they know that
Sumner wuz a sort uv a dose uv calomel, wich
worked pn the President's liver, and necessitated
the discharge uv all the offensive matter wich hed
accumulated doorin his long term uv Dimocrisy?
Uv course it wuz, and to-day Androo Johnson,
hevin in that speech got rid uv the last vestidge uv
Dimocrisy wich infected him, comes up a stronger
man agin us than ever. We made two errors : On
the 4th uv March, 1865, at his inoggerashun, when
he made a spectacle uv hisself, we murmured gently
to ourselves, " It's all right ! he's yet wun uv us."
And we sed the same after the splurge uv the 22d
uv February last. Oh, my friends, they wuz both
fatal errors. Them spasms wuz the efforts uv a '
noble nacher a tryin to git rid uv Locofocoism, and
from the fact that he imraejitely afler commenst a
missellaneously apintin Abilishnists and Republi-
cans to offises, and hezn't showed a sine uv a dispo-
sition to extend his hand to a single confidin Denio-
crat, it's my opinion he's succeeded.

Refuses to Support the President. 95

We bet too heavy on the fight atween the Presi-
ilent and Sumner. Sumner is ordained to aUuz hev
^ gong uv sum kind, which he is also ordained to
keep perpetually a poundin. He's bin for several
years amusin hisself a poundin the Dimocrisy, and
when there wuzn't enuff uv tliat to make it inter-
estin, he turned on Johnson, and he'll pound at him
till suthin else excites his wrath. He's a Spanish
bull, possessin sharp horns, and a immense amount
uv strength and agility, which he is continooally a
wastin by jumpin at sich red flags ez are mischeevusly
waved afore him. He's jest ez apt to gore his frends
ez his enemies, and his lungin at Johnson wuz no
sign that Johnson had gone back on Ablishnism.

But enuff uv this. Sence it hez become a fixed
fact that the boorish tailor, who now by accident
okkepies the place uv the marter Linkin, made
vacant by his untimely death by the hand uv a vile
assassin (whose only redeemin trait wuz that he
wuz a stanch, uncompromisin Dimocrat), — now, I
say, that it's plain that this drunken sot ain't agoin
to distribute the patronage amongst us who need it
so much, I ask, in indignashun, wat is it that we are
asked to endorse ?

He proposes to continue the Freedmen's Bm'o
bizness.

96 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle,

Ho refooses to withdraw the military from the
Dimokratic States.

He refooses to restore to our sufFerin brethren uv
the Diniocratic States the habis corpusses wich the
tyrant Linkin wrested from them.

He keeps Jefferson Davis a pinin in a loathsome
idungeon, and only refooses to bring him to trial
becoz, 4sooth, he haint yet got things in the right
shape to hang him.

I cood enumerate other insults and opressions he
hez piled upon Dimocrats, but I forbear. I might,
if I wuz disposed to harrow up the Dimocratic sole
and lasserate the Dimocratic bosom, state how I wuz
treated, when, on the 34th uv Febrooary last I made
a delegashun uv myself, and went to Washington for
the purpose uv layin before him the necessity uv the
removal uv the postmaster at the Corners, and the
apintment uv myself in his stead. I found that his
speech had reached all other parts uv the Yoonited
States ez soon ez it hed Kentucky, for there wuz
suthin over a hundred thousand stanch Dimocrats
there, all with petitions noomerously signed, wich
they hed held over from Bookannon's administra-
tion, recommendin uv em to places. How wuz we
reseeved? How did Androo Johnson treet us? I
mite say how emphatically I wuz shoved out uv

Refuses to Support the President. 97

his room, and with what reckless profanity I heard
him remark that Washington had stunk with secesh
ever since he vetoed the bill ; that that foolish
speech had acted on the whole country like a puke,
and that each State had spewed its foulest material
onto Washington, and that the atmosphere wuz
heavy with their breath, et settry, et settry, but I
forbear.

Suffice it to say that the few Democratic members
uv Congress had hard work borrowin money enuff
to git the most spectable uv the crowd home agin,
and even then tliousands uv em who wuz drawed
there by that speech, shoor uv apintments, wuz
obliged to -walk home ignominiously, uv whom 1
wuz which.

Androo Johason may be worthy uv Dimocratic
support, but he hez a queer way uv showin it. I
know not wat others may do, but ez for me and my
household I'll run after no strange gods. Ef he
wants us, let him call on us in language wicb we
kin understand.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster ut the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

7

qS SwiNGiN Round the Cirklk.

XV.

7%e Patriarchal System. — An Affecting Af peat
in Behalf of a Friend.

CONFEDBRIT X KOADS '\

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >
March 19, 1866. J

YESTERDAY I happened to pick up a kopy
uv a friteful depraved Ablishin paper, and my
horror-stricken eyes wuz glued to the follerin pas-
sage, which I read : —

" I am happy to state to you that our free negroes
are doing finely. We have no trouble with them.
They have all gone to work manfully. They give
an impetus to trade that we never before had. I
have sold John Guttle's negroes, tliis year and last,
more goods than I ever sold Guttle, and he owned
two hundred and fifty slaves. So you see the free
negro system is working well with us."

Ez I peroozed them lines, tears started involun-
tarily from my beamin eyes, and coursed in torrents-
down my venerable cheeks. I know John Guttle

The Patriarchal System.

99

well, I may say intimately. He wuz a dear friend,
i — one uv the few wich I kail friend in the most
catholic and comprehensive sense uv the word. He
holds my note fur eighteen dollars and 63 cents ; anr'
I hev sumwhere among my papers, wich I have
alluz carefully preserved for reference, a memoran-
dum uv his address, that I might be shoor not to
forget to send it to him. I give him the note becoz
he furnished the paper, and it made him easy in his
mind — I put down the memorandum bekoz it
looked business-like. Benevolence is a prominent
trait in my karacter. When givin my note for
borrered money will do a man good, I never be-
grudge the trouble uv writin it.

But wat I wuz a goin to say wuz, that the feend-
ishnis uv that item passes belief. The writer puts
it in print to show that the Ablishn uv slavry bene-
fitted sumbody. I grant him that the merchant,
who undoubtedly wuz born in Massachusetts, wuz
benefitted by the change ; so are the greesy mechan-
ics who are now pollutin the soil uv Alabama ; and
so, probably, are the 250 niggers ; but, in the name
uv Liberty, in the name uv Justice, in the name uv
the Constertooshun uv the Yoonited States, and the
flag uv our Common Country, I ask, How about
John Guttle?

loo SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

John Guttle is robbed. John Guttle is deprived
uv his property. The bred is taken from John Gut-
tie's mouth ; his staff is broken ; his dependence is
gone ; he is bereft.

Never shall I forget John Guttle or his hospitable
mansion, ez I knowed it in the happy year afore the
crooel war. He wuz a gentleman uv the old skool
— one uv the few left us in these degenerate days.
His home wuz wun uv unalloyed happiness. Situ-
ated just back uv Mobeel, he had the finest planta-
shun in that section, and hed on it 250 niggers. All
shades wuz represented. There wuz the coal-black
Cuffee, whose feechers denoted the pure Afrikin,
and whose awkward manners showed that he wuz
not long from Afrika. There wuz the civilized mu-
latto, in whose veins the Guttle blood showed ; the
quadroon, in whom the good old Guttle blood pre-
dominated ; and the octoroon, which wuz mostly
Guttle. The Guttleses wuz eminently a Christian
generation. They wuz devoutly pious ; and there
never wuz one uv the name who cood not repeat,
without the book, all uv the texts be.irin on slavery.
The passages in which Onesimus and Hager figger
wuz favorites with em ; but on " cussid be Canaan "
they wuz strong. For generations they had mourned
over the hard fate uv the sons uv Ham, doomed to

The Patriarchal System. ioi

perpetooal bondage becoz uv the sin uv their father ;
and with a missionary spirit ekaled by few and ex-
celled by none, they did their part towards redoosin
that cuss, by makin ez many of em ez possible half-
bruthers to the more favored race uv Japhet, and
thus bringing uv em out uv the cuss ; and they had
mellered the color uv their charges down from the
hideous black to a bright yeller. Under the old
patriarkle system, time passed orf smoothly and
pleasantly with the Guttle family. Them 250 nig-
gers wuz obliged, uv course, to work, and their la-
bor wuz money. John bought each uv the male
sons uv Ham too soots uv close per annum, and
each uv the female sons uv Ham one soot. It wuz
considered healthy for the young ones to go naked,
which they wuz religiously allowed to do, ez none
uv the Guttles uv that family wood do any thing
agin nater or her laws. The girls hed pianos, and
wuz educated at the North ; the boys wuz celebrat-
ed for horse racing and their skill at losin money at
faro. They wuz hospitable and generous to a fault.
Their house wuz open house, and their beverages
wuz alluz the best. Money wuz no objick to them ;
for when they had a severe attack of poker, or faro,
or boss racin, they hed plenty uv octoroons and
quadroons, with the real Guttle nose, wich brand

I02 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

wuz well known in Noo Orleans, and wood alluz
command the highest possible figger that wuz paid
in tliat market ; or, ef they had no more than they
wanted at home uv that style, why, a few field hands
wood be sold, and the remainin ones wood be per-
suaded by the overseer to do the work uv the whole.
John Guttle's sons wuz all in the Confederit arnjy.
His daughters, willin to sacrifice every thing fiir the
cause, heroically pledged theirselves to whip the
niggers theirselves doorin their absence.

Now all is changed ! A shadder hez fallen across
that peaceful home. The nigger quarters is there,
but the niggers is not. The broad plantashun is di-
vided up into small farms, and half uv it is owned
by Ablishnists from the North, who work theirselves,
and who hev a meetin house on one corner uv it,
and the niggers a skool house on the tother. The
race track is plowed up and in cotton ; the whippin-
post and the stocks is taken down and burned ; all,
all the evidences uv civilizashun hez faded afore the
ruthless hand of the invader. John Guttle — that
generous old man — subsists by the labor uv his own
hands. One uv his sons ekes out a miserable exist-
ence running a dray in Mobeel ; another, who is
gifted with no ordinary intelleck, earns a respectable
Uvin playin seven-up, in a small way, with his for-

The Patriarchal System. 103

mer niggers ; and the two girls is runnin a sewing
masheen.

Talk not to me uv benefits. What is a dozen
ti-adesmen and two hundred and fifty niggers to die
geliorious old Dimocratic John Guttle? What is
the interest uv a dozen or so uv Noo England me-
chanics, and the niggers aforesaid, when compared
to that glorious aristocracy which can never exist
beside em ? Kin I go and borrer eighteen dollars
and sixty-three cents uv one uv them ? No. Becoz,
working for their paltry livins, they place a higher
valyoo on money, and will not spread it around ez
profoosely ez the noble race which preceded em.

Another great wrong is done in this settin free uv
John Guttle's niggers. John Guttle hez, uv course,
no further interest in the Dimocratic party. Slavery
wuz the umbillikle cord which united the Southern
slaveholder and the Northern Dimocrat ; and, that
cord cut, why hez John Gutde any more interest in
Dimocracy ? We stood ez a Chinese wall between
them and the rushin flood uv Ablishn fanaticism ;
and Ve made the wall biznis pay. They furnished
money, and we did the work ; and, there be In but
few uv us, the orfisis wuz easily divided. Alas ! our
okepashin's gone. The South is forever lost to us ;
for she has no dirty work for us to do.

I04 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

I appeal to the Yoonited States uv America. In
behalf uv John Guttle, I say, give him back his
niggers. In behalf uv the Dimocrisy North who
are out uv employment, give him back his niggers.
In behalf uv his son who is runnin a dray, give him
back his niggers. In behalf uv his daughters runnin
a sewin machine, give him back his niggers. Make
things Normal agin. Like Joljn the Baptist, the
Government shall hear the voice uv one howlin in
the wilderness until all these is done.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Churcli uv the Noo Dispensashnn.

A Dream.

»o5

XVI.

A Dream. — The Corpse of RefuhlicaKism. —
Who the Mourners were., and how they felt. —
The awakening of the Sleeping Giant, and the
Scattering that followed.

CONFEDEIT X KOADS

(^ch is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
March 30,

BOADS f
entucky), >
0, 1866. J

IHEV bin -to Washinton. That Ablishn Post-
master at the Corners hed become to me a nite-
mare. Day after day I seed him a handlin guvment
money, drawin his salery promptly, and takin his
drinks reglerly, while I, a Constooshnel Dimekrat,
a supporter uv our great and good President, wuz
forced to the humiliashun uv waitin till I wuz
treated, ceptin when a new grocery keeper cum in,
which gave me a chance to establish a credit for a
short time. I felt that sumthin must be done, and
therefore I went to Washinton.

Knowin that for men uv my profound convick-
shins, holdin my views ez to consiliashen and sich,

ic6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirk-le.

I hed no call to go to the Postmaster-General, who
is a Ablishnist, I went dreckly to the Second Jaxon
hisself. I succeeded in gettin a audience late in the
afternoon. Our patron saint wuz a sittin at a table,
eggsausted with receevin delegashens and sich.

" Well," sad he.

" Honerd and spected sir," said I, " I am a appli-
cant for the post orfis at Confedrit X Roads, wich
is at present held by a Ablishnist who does not be-
leeve in yoor policy, wich I do beleeve in solemnly.
Spected and honered sir," sed I, " ef I shood have
twins born to me this nite, I shood name em both
Policy."

" Wich State are yoo from? " sed he, half asleep.

" From Kentucky, honered and spected sir,"
sed I.

" W'ell," sed he, yawnin feerfully, and turnin to a
clerk, " Fill out a pardon, and give him a com-
mission ! "

" Honered and spected sir," sed I, in a tit of loo-
nacy for wich I can't account, " I don't need a par-
don. I wuz never in the late lamented Confedrit
sends."

" What'n thunder, then, are yoo here for, beggin
a post offis? Git out, yoo imposter ! " and I ^uz
too wunst ignominiously showed to the door. I

A Dream. 107

didn't quite understand the lay uv the land around
the White House.

In vane I tried to git back, that I might convince
him I did ez much for the Confederasy ez my hum-
ble abilities permitted, and that I needed consiliatin
ez badly ez anybody. Then, hart broke and dead
broke, not heving the wherewith to prokoor more
sootable lodgin, I lay me down on the cold stun
steps, and sought refuge from my troubles in sleep.

I dreemed a dream. Methawt I wuz in a room
in the White House. Stretched out on one side uv
the room wuz the corpse uv a giant, a monster in
size and strength, but withal uv a pleasin presence,
and fair to look upon. Onto its head was a liberty
cap, and by its side wuz a sword, considerably
dinted, and with all the gildin knocked off.

" Wat is these ? " sed I, pointin to the corpse,
askin a sort uv a attendant.

" Them," replied he, " is the defunct carcass uv
Republikinism. He was a hefty yooth in his day,
but he died this mornin. Look ! the mourners are
a comin to divide his clothes."

And shoor enuff, they came in. At the head wuz
the second Jaxon, which the Ablishnists derisively ,
call Moses, who appeared to be angry, and clost
behind him wuz Seward, a weepin out uv one eye,

io8 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

and a smilin out uv tother, and Jim Lane, who hed
a handkercher wich he occasionally put to his eyes,
but wich I notist wuz ez dry ez a lime kiln, and
Doolittle, and Lee, and Raymond, and Beauregard,
and Cowan, and Stephens, and Thurlow Weed, and
Vallandigham, and Governor Sharkey, and a host uv
others, all uv wich ranged theirselves around the bier.

" He wuz a promisin yooth," sed Seward, a put-
tin his handkercher to his eyes, " but the atmosphere
uv the White House wuz too much for him. I
insist, however," sed he, a pocketin the handker-
cher, and takin hold uv a trinket the corpse held in
his hand, labelled " Presidency, 1868," from which
hung mor'n a million uv smaller trinkets, "that ez
'twas me that pizened him, this is mine."

" Nary," sed Johnson ; " I did the biziness for
him, and it's mine."

" Settle it ez yoo please," sed Raymond, gently,
" but whoever gits it must remember that this Sec-
retaryship is mine."

" And I," sed Doolittle, " must hev, for my assist-
ance, this little affair marked ' St. James,' for my
seat in the Senit is a goner."

" For my part," sed Jim Lane, " the western ap-
pointments is mine. Its worth em all to wear this
collar."

A Dream.

109

" My friends," sed Stephens, " I find no amnesty
about the corpse. There must be one manufactured
and stuck in his pocket, to be prodoost at the
fimeral."

Thurlow Weed sed nothin, but looked on with a
sardonic smile, knowin perfeckly well that whoever
took the biggest part uv the plunder, he'd control it,
any way.

Governor Sharkey laid claim to a secretaryship,
and Boregard to the place uv Sherman, and Lee to
Grant's position, and Vallandigham wanted this,
and tother feller that, and there wuz a terrible hub-
bub over the corpse. Wilkes Booth's gost came in,
and wanted to know what he wuz to hev in the new
deal, " for," sed he, " eft hadn't bin for me, where'd
yoo all hev bin ? Talk uv the White House atmos-
phere killin him ! I'm sure the shadder uv the
buildin blasted what little uv his spirit yoo hed," sed
he, a turnin to Seward, " but ef Linkin hed lived, ha,
ha ! " sed he, in a tragedy voise. Then in trooped a
lot uv other gosts. There wuz Bill Allen, uv Ohio,
and Washington Hunt, uv Noo York, and Jeems
Bookannon, uv Pennsylvania, and Eli Thayer, and
Lew. Campbell, and Garret Davis, who started to
make a speech, but the entire assemblage stuck their
fingers in their ears, wich hint he took for the first
time in his life, and desisted.

no SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Finally Johnson swore " by the eternal" (he got
that noshun from the first A. J., wich he thinks he
resembles, coz his innitials is the same, and coz the
original vetoed a bill wunst) that he wood hev the
Presidency, and gobbled it. Seward, he snatched
at it, and they tussled. The company stood by to
see it out, for it made but little difference to them
wich got it. In the skrimage Johnson happened to
ram Seward up agin a window on the north side uv
the room, and smashed it out. Jest then a blast uv
north wind poured into the room tlirough the aper-
ture, and blowed onto the face uv the corpse. The
effect was electrikle. Life ran through his veins,
his face flushed, and the livid hue was changed to
the ruddy glow uv health. The dead wuz alive ;
the giant raised to his feet, and looked around him,
shakin off them ez wuz a hangin to him like insex.
Noticin the trinket wich hed caused tlie skrimage in
Johnson's hand, he took him by the neck, and
twistin it out uv his hand, flung him gently through
the winder. " I ain't made up my mind who to
give this to, but yoo bet it ain't yoo," sed he.

" Willyum,'' sed he, turnin to Seward, "I'm sur-
prised at yoo. Wuz this bauble the price uv yoor
honesty and yoor principle ? Go, Willyum ! Ez
for yoo, Doolittle, yoo never wuz half baked ; yoo,

A Dream. i 1 1

Thurlow, put Raymond in your vest pocket, and
quit tlie presence. Yoo, Jim Lane, I leave to the
tender mercies uv my friends in Kansas. Clear out
the balance uv this rabble, and send for my friends.
I've bin pizened, and smothered, and stunk nigh to
death. Clear out the house, and sweep it, and
sprinkle chloride uv lime, and sich, all over it.
Shut down them Southern windows, and open those
on the North, East, and West sides. I want a snuff
uv fresh air, for I — "

At this pint I awoke, and found myself, not in
the White House, but on the steps thereof, cold and
shiverin. In my pocket wuz the papers wich didn't
get me the post orifis I wuz seekin, and in my mind
wuz chaotic confusion. Wuz the dream prophetic,
or wuz it merely a vagary uv the mind, wich, wen
loosed from its clay, sores off onto its own hook,
without any restraint. Is the giant Republican
actually dead, or is he in a trance ? Will it arise,
and scatter them ez hez appinted themselves admin-
istrators uv its estate, and wich are beginnin to
divide the assets, or will he stay ded ? Wood, oh
wood, that I knowed !

Petroleum V. Nasby.
Lait Paster ut the Church of the New Dispensashun,

1 12 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

XVII.

A Kentuchy Tea Party. — Opinion entertained by
Mrs. Deacon Pogram of Charles Sumner. —
Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an
Illinois Store-keeper of the name of Pollock. —

Miscegenation.

CoNFEDMT X Roads ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

April 1, 1866. J

CHARLES SUMNER is not a very popular
man in this section uv Kentucky ; on the
contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here e.s
an Ablishnist ; ez one who is a chief supporter uv
that hidjus sin — the infidelity, I may say, for a
man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast
discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto
wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests —
the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that
Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from
the experience uv the last five years, appears to be
gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore,
popular in this region.

A Kentucky Tea Party, 113

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Po-
gram's, to wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present,
incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the name uv
Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin
hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv goods
uv him on ninety days' time, and vyantid an exten-
sion.

While at the table enjoyin the

" Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,"

ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in
this country, they mix three and a half parts uv
whiskey to one uv tea, the name uv Sumner wuz
mentioned.

Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't
want the name uv that ojus creecher spoken at her
table.

"Why?" sed I, gratified at the ebulition.

" 1 hate him ! " sed she, spitefully.

" So do I," replied I ; " but what hev yoo agin
him, aside from his obnoxious political opinions?"

"Didn't he marry a nigger?" sed Mrs. P.,
triumphantly. " Didn't he marry a nigger — a full-
blooded nigger? and hezn't he hed nineteen yaller
children, every one uv wich he compelled, agin
their will, to marry full-blooded niggers? Didn't

he — "

8

114 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklk.

" Mrs. P.," sed this lUinoy store-keeper, wich his
name it wuz Pollock, " do yoo object to miscegena-
tion?"

"Missee — what?" replied she, struck all uv a
heap at the word.

"Miscegenation — amalgamation — marryin whites
with niggers."

" Do I ? " retorted she ; " ketch a son uv mine
marryin a nigger! They are another race; they'r
beast i ; and who'd marry em but jist sich men ez
Sumner and them other Ablishnists?"

^' Then permit me to ask," sed this Pollock, wich
wuz bound to kick up a muss, " ef ther's any race
uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky, wich is
yaller?"

" No ! uv course not," sed Mrs. P. ; " them yaller
people is mulatters — half nigger, half white."

"And them ez is quite white — not quite, but
nearly so — about the color uv a new saddle, like
Jane, there," sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv i8
wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin
uv the infernal proclamashen, " like Jane, there,
wich is waitin on the Deekin, and — but, good
Lord ! " sed he, startin up like a tragedian.

" Wat ! " shouted the company, all startin up.

" Nothin," sed he : " only, now that Jane's face is

A Kentucky Tea Party. 115

in range with the Deekin's, wat a wonderful resem-
blance ! She hez the Pog^am nose and ginral out-
line uv face ; not Mrs. P.'s angularity, but the Dee-
kin all over. My deer sir," sed he, addressin the
Deekin, " ef she wuzn't a quadroon, I shood say she
Jooks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first
wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked,
Mrs. P.'s angularity and gineral boneinis ; but uv
course, she bein a part nigger, the resemblance may
be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence ! "

The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs.
Pogram turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich
I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I had
heerd .about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misun-
derstandin about a nigger woman and her baby,
about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made
bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby's
mother being sold South. The Illinoy store-keeper,
uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed, —

" I wuz about askin wat them niggers is ez is
nearly white ? "

" Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eighths white,"
sed Mrs. Pogram.

"And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?"
inquired the store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin
his investigations altogether too fur.

ii6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

" Never ! " sed Mrs. Pogram ; " we leave that to
Ablishnists."

"Well, then," sed this Pollock, who, I spect,
wuzn't half so innsent ez he let on, " I see that yoo
hev no objection to mixin with the nigger, providiii
yoo don't do it legally ; that amalgamashen don't
hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery.
Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?"

Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pol->
lock persood the subjick.

"Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth nigger.
She got her white blood from whites, uv course ;
and ez there coodent be no marryin in the biznis,
there is proof positive in her face that the 8th com-
mandment hez bin violated about four times some-
where in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal
ancestors, on her mother's side, may hev resided.
What do yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Chris-
tian, woodent it be better to marry em than to add
a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv amal-
gamashen ? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half."

The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it
involved a pint altogether too hefty for his limited
intelleck, I took it up.

" My dear sir," I remarked, " yoo don't make the
proper distinction, or, ratlier, yoo don't appreciate

A Kentucky Tea Party. 117

the subjick at all. The nigger here sustains only
one character with us, — that uv a inferior bein, the
slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the
noblest specimens ; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a
Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North,
and am a hawty- Caucashen only by adoption. To
marry, a nigger wood be to destroy our idea uv
sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The
intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see
indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony,
is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbrideled
licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv our su-
periority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom
the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv Ham
(wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies the hind-
quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not,
he breaks her head, wich inculcates obedience.
One is only a slave indeed when he surrenders all
his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot be
considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded
to her owner everything. To marry em wood be to
elevate em ; the intercourse common among us is
not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that supe-
riority wich we claim is founded on the Holy
iScripter. See Onesimus, "Hagar, and Ham."
"Yes," sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the

ii8 SwiNGiN Round the Ciricle.

right track; "it's a assertion uv our soopeiiority.
it's a dooty every white man owes to his class, and
I, for one, will alluz — "

« Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram," shouted
Mrs. P., " and I'll give you sich a cat-haulin ez yoo
never — drat yoor sooperiority, and yoDr Ham, and
yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and — "

Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at
the proper pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the dis-
cussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjick upon wich
they cood all agree.

I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-
keeper, and his mother an Irish washer-woman ;
that he run away from home at the tender age of 8,
after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one
uv wich wuz a Jew and tother a Chinese ; that he
wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and hed
cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and im-
mersed the younger children into a biler uv scaldin
water, where they were found mostly dead seven
hours afterward ; that he acquired wealth a sellin
lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settiy. His ser-
vants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed
swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws uv
Massychoosits, coodent git away, and that his inti-
mate friends and associates wuz niggers, with wich

A Kentucky Tea Party. 119

he sot long at the festive hoard, and drunk cham-
pane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Anna
Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-
brotlier, and that he kissed, habitually, every nigger
child he met, and frowned so severially onto white
children ez to throw em into spasms, and other
items uv information uv wich, Hvin in the North, I
wuz igporant. Ez I remarked, he isn't popular
down here, and cood hardly be elected to Congris
from tliis Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly
after. Pollock winkin at me villainously ez he left
the house, feelin good to think how he hed opened
a old sore. That Pollock need's watchin.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster ut the Chuich uv the Xoo Dispensashun.

I20 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

xvm.
A Cry of Exultation. — A Gleam of Light.

CONPEDKIT X BOADS ^

(wich is in the Stait ut Kentucky), >
April 2, 1866. 3

KIN it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is
Androo Johnson all my fancy painted him,
or is he still a heaven-defying persekooter uv the
Democratic Saints ? That's wat I and some thou-
sands uv waitin souls wood go suthin handsome to
know.

I confess I never quite lost faith in Androo.

Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does
the odor uv the gentle skunk to clothes, and it is got
rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, buryin the
victim thereof.

Androo started out to be a Moses, and he is one ;
but I think he's changed hie Israelites. I onst saw
a woman skinnin live eels, and I reproached her,
saying,—

A Cry of Exultation. 121

"Woman, why skinnest thou eels alive? Doth
it not pain em?"

" Nary ! " retorted she. " I've skinned em this
way for going on to 20 years, and they're used to it."

Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so
long that they're used to it, and Androo feelin a call
to continue in the Moses biznes, hez, I hope, turned
his attention to the Dimocrisy. It's US he's a-goin
to lead up out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we've
bin in for neerly five years-; it's us that's a-goin to
quit brick making without straw, and go up into
the Canaan wich is runnin w^ith the milk and honey
uv public patronage. We shel hev sum fites :
there's Amakelitish post masters and Phillistine
collectors to displace, but with a second Jaxon at
our hed what can we fear?

I feel to-night like a young colt. To me it seema
ez though my venerable locks, w^ich hangs scantily
about my temples, hed grown black agin, and that
my youth w^as returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv
sooiside, them idea is dismist. I'm young agin.
Wat hez worked this change? you ask. It's the
proclamation 'declarin the war at an end, and with-
drawin from the DImocratic States the odious hire-
lins uv the tyrant Linkin, and the doin away uv that
terrible marshal law. That's wat's done it for me.

122 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Now I feel like sayin, with one uv old, "Mine eyes
hev seed thy glory ; let thy servant depart in peace."

We hev bin dooly subjoogated some time, and a
waitin for this. We wantid it, and longed for it ez
the hart does for the water course, and considerably
more, onless the hart w^uz thirsty in the extreme.
For now we are in the Yoonyuu agin ; we are under
the shadder uv that glorious old flag wich protects
all men ceptin niggers and ablishnists. The nigger
is left to be adjustid by us, who is to be governed by
the laws wich control labor and capital. Certenly
he is — uv coarse. I saw two uv my neighbors ad-
justin one last nite. They wuz doin it with a pad-
dle, wich wuz bored full uv holes. He didn't seem
to enjoy it ez much ez they did. By that proclama-
tion our states are agin under their own control.
Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the ves-
tiges uv the crooel war through wich they hev past.
There aint no solgers now to interfere, for the policy
uv keepin soldiers in and among free people is ab-
horrent to freedom and humanity. Go to work at
wunst, and build up the broken walls uv your Zion.

We must hev Peace and unanimity ; and Peace
cannot dwell among us onless tliere's a oneness uv
purpose and sentiment. To prokoor this is yoor
lust dooty. If there be among you them ez opposed

A Cry of Exultation. 123

yoo doorin yoar late struggle for Rites, hist em.
Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be tolerated.
Ablishunism is as abhorrent now as ever, and the
sooner yoo are rid uv it the better. It is safe to
assume that every man who opposed the lately
deceased confederacy is a Ablishnist.

The next step, and the most important, is to tear
down the nigger school houses and churches wich
hev bin built here and there, and kindly take the
nigger by the ear, and lead him back to his old
quarters, wick is his normal position. The Yankee
school teachers sent here by Freedmen's Aid Socie-
ties shood properly be hung for spreadin dissatisfac-
tion and spellin books among the niggers, but I
wood advise mercy and consiliation. Tar and
featherin, with whippins, will perhaps do ez well,
and will go to show the world that our justice is
tempered with charity ; that we kin be generous ez
well ez just. Yoor Legislatures shood be instantly
called together, and proper laws for the government
uv the Freedmen should be passed. Slavery is
abolisht, and the people must live up to the require-
ments of the act in good faith. I protest agin any
violation uv good faith, but labor must be done, for
the skripter commands it, and our frail nature de
mands wat cant be got without it. We don't like

124 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

to do it, l)ut shel skripter be violated? Not at all.
The nigger must do it hisself, not ez a slave, for
slavery is abolished, but ez a free man. Ethiopean
citizens uv Arq^rikin descent (v\rich is mulatters),
and full-blooded blacks, and all hevin in the veins
a taint uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently,
and for their ovirn good, I suggest laws ez fol-
low^s : —

1. They must never leave the plantation onto
wich they are, when this act goes into effect, without
a pass from the employer, under penalty uv bein
shot.

2. They shel hev the privilege uv suein every-
body uv their own color, ef they kin give white bail
for costs.

3. They shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued
the same ez white folks.

4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in cases
in wich they are not interested, but their testimony
is to go for notliin ef it is opposed by tlie testimony
uv a white man or another nigger.

5. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real
estate outside uv any incorporated city, town, or
village.

6. No nigger shel be allowed to buy or lease real

A Cry of Exultation.

135

estate within ar.y incorporated city, town, or village,
except as hereinafter provided for, to wit : —

He shel give notice uv his desires by publication
for six consecutive weeks in some noosepaper uv
general circulation in sed village, for wich publica-
tion he shel pay invariably in advance. He shel
then give bonds, in sich sums ez the mayor shel
decide, that neither he, nor any uv his ancestors, or
descendants, or relations, will ever become public
charges, and will always behave themselves with
doc humility, the bondsmen to be white men and
freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause a election
to be proclaimed, and if the free white citizens shel
vote " yea " unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy
or lease real estate. If there is a dissenting vote,
then he shel be put onto the chain gang for six
months for his impudence in makin sich a request.

7- Their wages shel be sich ez they and the em-
ployers shel mutually agree ; but tliat the negroes
may not become luxurious and effeminate, wich two
things is vices wich goes to sap the simplicity and
strength uv a people, the sum shel never exceed $5
per month, but not less than enuff in all cases to
buy him one soot uv close per annum, wich the
employer shel purchase hisself.

8. The master shell hev the privilege uv addin to

t2.6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

this code sich other i-ules and regulations for their
proper government ez may strike him ez being
good for em from time to time.

These provisions sekure the nigger in all the rites
wich kin reasonably be asked for him, just elevated
ez he is from slavery, and thrown upon the vsrorld,
ignorant of the dooties of his new position and
status. He is simple, and needs the guidin hand uv
the stronger race.

My hart is too full to make further suggestions.
Organized into a tabloo, with the constitooshun in
one hand (wich beloved instrument kivers a great
deal of ground), a scar-bangled spanner in the other,
and a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript orf uv a
returned nigger solger wich wuz sick, I exultinly
exclaim, " The Union ez it is is ez good ez the
Union ez it wuz. 'Ror ! "

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Ijait Faster ut the Cbuich ut the 'Soo Bispensashun.

A Wail of Anguish. 127

SIX.

A Wail if Anguish. — The Passage of the Civil
nights Sill over the Veto.

I

CONFBDBIT X KOADS

(wich is in the Stait ut Kentucky),
April 9, 1866.

AM a kittle full of cusses.

Under me is a burnin fire uv rage, wich is
bein continyooally fed with the oil uv disappoint-
ment.

And I bile over.

The civil rites bill, wich our Moses put his foot
into, we thought wuz dead.

And we fired great guns, and hung out our
flags, wich we laid aside in i860, and made a joy-
ful noise.

For we said, one unto another, Lo 1 he is a true
Moses, inasmuch ez he is a leadin us out uv the
wilderness.

The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and
he histed it, that we might look and live.

128 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Now let us be joyful !

For the Ethiopian is delivered into our hands,
bound hand and foot.

Blessed be Moses !

We will make-,him grind our corn ; but he shel
not eat thereof

Blessed be Moses !

We will make him tread out our wheat ; but we
will muzzle his mouth.

Blessed be Moses !

He shall pick our cotton ; but the hire he receiv-
eth, he shall stick in his eye without injuring -the
sight thereof.

Blessed be Moses !

He shall toil in the sugar mill ; but the sugar
shall he not sell.

Blessed be Moses !

His sweat shall nourish our com ; but he shall
eat nary ear thereof.

Blessed be Moses !

We will burn his school houses, and destroy his
spelling books (for shall the nigger be our supe-
rior?), and who shall stay our hand?

The skool teachers we will tar and feather, and
whar is the bloo-koted hirelins to make us afeerd ?

Blessed be Moses !

A Wail of Anguish. 129

We lookel at the nigger, and said, Ha, ha ! the
last state uv that chattle is wuss nor the fust ; for
befoi'e, we hed his labor while he wuz strong and
healdiy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz
sick and old ; and now we kin git his labor without
the care.

Blessed be Moses !

The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garnished
the room ; but there wuz seven devils more stronger
and hungrier, which rushed in and pre-empted the
premises.

Blessed be Moses !

But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv
anguish.

Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent
histed him.

He's on a pole, and the bitin North wind is a
blowin onto him.

He can't get up any higher, because his pole ain't
any longer ; and he cant't get down, because he
ain't no place to light onto.

He vetoed tlie bills, and Congress hez vetoed him ;
the civil rights bill they passed in a uncivil man-
ner.

Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal.

Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the skool
9

130 SwiNGiN Round the CiRKLft.

house is burned, and the spellin books destroyed, he
will soon be our superior.

We wuz willin to give him the right uv bein sued ;
hut, alas ! he kin sue.

He kin be a witness agin us, and he kin set his
face agin ourn.

Our wise men may make laws to keep him in his
normal speer, but uv wat avail is they?

We kin buy and sell him no more, neither he nor
his children.

The men will cleave unto their wives, and the
wives unto their husbands, and our hand is powerlis
to separate em.

Their children kin we no more put up at auction,
and sell to the highest bidder, we pocketing joyfully
the price thereof.

They hev become sassy and impudent, and say,
" Go to ; are we not men ? "

I bade one git orf the sidewalk, and he bade me
be damned.

I chucked a nearly white one under the chin, and
smiled onto her, and she squawked ; and her hus-
band, hearin the squawk thereof, came up and bustid
my head, even as a white man wood hev dun.

I chastised wun who gave me lip ; and he sood

A Wail of Anguish. 131

me, a Caucashun, for assault and battery, and got a
judgment !

Wale ! for Moses put out his hand to save us these
indignities, but his hand wuz too weak.

We killed Linkin in vain.

Our Moses is playin Jaxon. He fancieth: he re-
sembleth him, becoz his inishals is the same.

He resembleth Jaxon muchly — in that Jaxon hed
a policy wich he cood carry out, while our Moses
hez a policy wich he can't carry out.

And ez he can't carry out his policy, the people
are carry in it out for him,

Wich they do, a holdin it at arm's length, and
holdin their noses.

Moses is a cake half baked ; he is hot on one side,
and cold on tother.

He darsn't let go uv Ablishnism, and is afeerd to
come to us.

He hez been takin epsom salts and epecac ; and
one is workin up^ and tlie other is workin down.

Where kin we look for comfort?

Do we turn to the people ? Connecticut answers,
" 'Ror for Hawley ! " and Noo Hampshier goes
Ablishun.

Do we turn to the courts? Lo ! Taney hez gone
to his reward — him who aforetime dealt out Dime-

132 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

kratic justice, and who understood the nacher uv the
nigger, — and Chase, who is pizen, reigns in his
stead.

Raymond is growin weak in the knees, and Doo-
little is a broken reed on which to lean.

We are too short at both ends.

Shall we go to Brazil ? Lo ! there they put nig-
gers in office.

Mexico holds out her hands to us ; but, lo ! the
^nigger is considered a man.

We hev no escape from the Etheopian ; he is
around us, and about us, and on top uv us.

I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the
future.

Hed I been a Ablishunist, so ez to make the thing
safe in tlie next world, I shood be glad to die, and
quit this.

For my sole is pregnant witii grief; my hart bugs

out with woe.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.

Mournful View of the Situation. 133

XX.

Mournful View of the Situation.

CoNPEDKiT X Roads J

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

April 26, 1866. )

THE work UV death is a goin on. The sakred
precepts uv the Holy Skripters is bein daily
violated by an insane majority, who hev substitooted
their own noshens for the safe and pleasant reve-
lashens uv Holy Writ, and the practices of their
fathers.

Good Noah, when he cussed Ham, and declared
that he shood be a servant unto his brethren, hev
foreseen how his cuss wood hev bin disregarded in
these degenerate days, he wood, I boldly assert (and
I make the assertion from wat I know uv the char-
acter uv that eminent navigator), hev kep sober, and
not cusst Ham at all. For wat's the yoose uv sich
a cuss ef it's to be removed jist when you want it to
stick? Hed it bin taken oflf afore cotton wuz profit-
able, and afore the Southern people hed learned to

134 SWINGIN ROXJND THE ClRKLE.

depend onto their labor, it wouldent hev bin so bad,
and they cood hev endoored it without murmurin.
But, alars! not only is the South in a state of
abject cussitood, but the Northern Dimocrasy is
likewise.

The case stood thuswise: The South depended
on the Nigger; and the Northern politicians, like
me, .depended on the South. The nigger wuz the
foundashun upon wich the entire structur rested;
and now that he's knocked out, it falls.

I wuz in Washington the other day, and wuz a
unwillin witnis uv a scene wich filled me with unut-
terable disgust. The niggers wuz a celebratin suthin
connected with their onnatural removal from their
normal condishun, and wuz a paradin the streets
with bands uv music, and with banners and inscrip-
tions. They he^ the impudence to di'ess up in good
clothes, — clothes wich I cood not afford to wear, —
and three uv the impudent' cusses bed the ashoor-
ance to go so far in their imitation of human beins
ez to make speeches ; and to my horrer, the mass
uv em bed ben so well trained by somebody that
they actily cheered, and ez near ez I cood make out
got in the applause at the right place, and all with-
out the assistance uv a indivijjle to commence ap-

Mournful View of the Situation. 135

plaudin at the right time, wich we hev generally
found nessary at Dimmekratic meetins.

Their inscripshuns wuz insultin. They hed em
all spelt rite, and they wuz full uv aloosions to ekal
rites, and onqualifyed suffrage, and sich, planely
showin that the poor, misguided critters hed no idee
that tliey wuz loaded down with a cuss, and that
becoz uv that cuss they hed no rites watever.

In Richmond I saw other evidences uv the ter-
rible breakin down uv the barriers wich Noah set
up atween the races. I wuz sittin in a hoss car,
when a nigger hed the onparalleled asshoorence to
enter and set down. I remonstrated with the chat-
tel, who laft in my face.

Thus the old landmarks is bein removed, and thus
the foundations uv society is a bein brsken up. I saw
in Richmond fair wimmin who hed, in olden times,
never known wat labor wuz, a washin dishes, and
cookin their own vittles ; and I saw men, who hed
wunst lived luxuriously on the labor uv a hundred
niggers, now drivin drays, and sellin dry goods and
groceries, and sich, and my soul sunk within me.
Wuz the cuss a mistake ? Wuz the nigger not the
race that wuz cussed? or has he becum so bleached,
BO lost in the white by amalgamation, that there

136 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

ain't enough uv the black left- in each indivijjle foi
the cuss to hang to.

Andrew Johnson ! in your hands rests our cause ;
on your ackshen depends our weal or woe ! Yoo,
and yoo alone, kin remedy this. Wat if a conupt
and radikle Congress does override your vetoes, and
legislate for these cuss-ridden people ? Yoo hev yet
a power wich yoo must not hesitate to make em
feel. Clear out the rump Congress ; declare our
Southern brethren entitled to their seats, and see
that they hev em. The Dimocrisy uv the North,
wich wuz latterly for peece, are now fur war. They
will sustain yoo. Reverse yoor ackshen, and yoo
kin attach em to yoo with hooks uv steel. There
ain't no risk in it — nary risk. Turn the Ablishnists
out uv the Post Offices, and replace em with Dem-
ocrats ; let it be understood that yoo hev come back
to your fust love, and no longer abide in the tents
uv Ablishunism, — and all will be well. Talk less
uv yoor policy, and put more uv it into acts. Com-
bine Post Offices with Policy, and proclaim that
only he who sustains the latter shel hev the former,
and yoo kin depend on the entire Democrisy North.
We are waitin anxiously. From the South comes
up the cry, wich the North reSkkoes.

MouRNFut. View of the Situation. 137

' Will Androo Johnson, wich Ablishnists call
Moses, but wich we, for obvious reasons, style the
2d Jaxon, heed that cry? or will he persist in cling-
in to the black idol he embraced four years ago ?
Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Cbuxcn ut the Noo Bispensashuik

138 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

XXI.

A Psalm of Gladness. — TTie Veto of the Civil
Rights JBill, and other Matters, occasioning a
Feeling of Thankfulness in the Minds of the
Democracy.

CONFEDEIT X KOADS ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >
May 1, 1866. J

I AM a canary, a nightengale. A lark, am I.
I raise my voice in song. I pour forth melo-
jus notes.

I am a lamb, wich frisketh, and waggeth his tale,
and leapeth, ez he nippeth the tender grass. I am
a colt, wich kicketh up its heels exuberantly.

I am a bridegroom, wich cometh from his bride
in the mornin feelin releeved in the knowledge that
she wore not palpitators, nor false calves, nor nothin
false, afore she wuz hizn.

I am a steamboat captin with a full load, a dog-
gry keeper on a Saturday nite, a sportin man with
four aces in his hand.

All these am I, and more.

A Psalm of Gladness. 139

For we sought to establish ourselves upon a rock,
bat found that the underpinnin wuz gone out uv it.

Even slavery wuz our strong place, and our hope ;
but the corners hed bin knocked out uv it.

The sons uv Belial hed gone forth agin it. Mas-
sachusetts hed assailed it, and the North West hed
drawd its bow agin it.

Wendell Phillips hed pecked out wun stun. Gar-
ret Smith another; and the soljers hed completed
what they hed begun.

And Congris, even the Rump, hed decreed its
death, and hed held forth its hand to Ethiopia.

It passed a bill givin the Niggers their rites, and
takin away from us our rites :

Sayin, that no more shel we sell em in the market
place.

Or take their wives from em.

Or be father to their children,

Oi" make uv em conkebines aginst their will,

Or force em to toil without hire.

Or shoot em, ez we wuz wont to do under the old
dispensashun.

Or make laws for em wich didn't bind us as well.

And our hearts wuz sad in our buzzums ; for we
said, Lo ! the nigger is our ekal ; and we mourned
ez them hevin no hope.

140 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

But the President, even Androo, the choice uv
Booth, said, Nay.

And the bill wuz vetoed, and is no law ; and our
hearts is- made glad.

And from the Ohio to the Gulf shel go up the
song uv gladness and the sounds uv mirth.

The nigger will we slay, for he elevated his horn
agin us.

We will make one law for him and another for
us, and he will sigh for the good old times when he
wuz a slave in earnest.

His wife shel be our conkebine, ef she is fair
to look upon ; and ef he murmurs, we'll bust his
head.

His daughters shel our sons possess ; and their in-
krease will we sell, and live upon the price they
bring.

In our fields they shel labor; but the price uv
their toil shel make us fat.

Sing, O my soul 1

The nigger hed become sassy and impudent, and
denied that he wuz a servant unto his brethren.

He sheltered hisself behind tlie Freedman's Bu-
row, and the Civil Rites Bill, and the soldiery, and
he wagged his lip at us, and made mouths at us.

A Psalm of Gladness. 141

And we longed to git at him, but because of these
we durst not.

But now who shell succor him.

We w^ill smite him hip and thigh, onless he con*
sents to be normal.

Our time uv rejoicin is come.

In Kentucky, the soldiers voted, — them ez wuz
clothed in gray, — and we routed the Abolishnists.

Three great capchers hev we made : New Orleens
we capcherd, Kentucky we capcherd, and the Presi-
dent — him who aforetime strayed from us — we
capcherd.

Rejoice, O my soul ! for yoor good time, wich
wuz so long a comin, is come.

We shel hev Post OfEsis, and Collectorships, and
Assessorships, and Furrin Mishns, and Route Agen-
cies, and sich ; and on the proceeds thereof will we
eat, drink, and be merry.

The great rivers shel be whisky, the islands there-
in sugar, the streams tributary lemon joose and bit-
ters, and the faithful shel drink.

Whisky shel be cheap ; for we shel hold the of-
fises, and kin pay ; and the heart uv the barkeeper
shel be glad.

The Ablishnist shel hang his hed ; and we will
jeer him, and flout him, and say unto him, " Go up,

142 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

bald liead ! " and no bears sliel bite us ; for, lo ! the
President is our rock, and in him we abide.

Blessed be Booth, who give us Androo.

Blessed be the veto, wich makes the deed uv
Booth uv sum account to us.

Blessed be Moses, who is a leadin us out uv the
wilderness, into the Canaan flowin with milk and
honey.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uy the Church of the New Dispensashun.

A Discourse upon the Nigger. 143

XXII.

The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Coun-
try upon the Result of the Memphis Outbreak.
— The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger,
and runs against a Snag.

A

CoNFEDRiT X Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 12, 1866.

THE news from Memphis filled the soles uv the
Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with undilooted joy-
There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to
him, at least, the spellin book is a seeled volume,
and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it
filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic
preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify
over the brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and 1
wuz the speeker. I addressed them on the subjick
uv the nigger, — his wants, needs, and capacities, —
a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I un-
derstand.

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez

144 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

given the nigger more study, or devoted more time
to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the
brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have con-
templated him sittin and standin, sleepin and wakin,
at labor and in idleness, — in every shape, in fact,
ceptin ez a free man, w^ich situashen is too disgustin
for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him ; and
when he ariz before my mind's eye in that shape, I
alluz turned shuddrin av\ray.

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin
sale. It's easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence
wants to beleeve, and wich their interest lies in.
For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz
somewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Uni-
versalism ; men heavily developed in the back uv
the neck are easily convinst uv the gi-and trooths uv
free love ; and them ez is too fond uv makin money
to rest on the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to
whether the observance uv the Sabbath is bindin
onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm
beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood
get start enuff to own a nigger.

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a
comparison uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin
and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuz a beast, and
not a human bein ; and that, consekently, we hed a

A Discourse upon the Nigger. 145

perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose
him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this
hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a history
uv the flood ; explained how Noer got tite and cust
Ham, condemnin him and his posterity to serve his
brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an indubi-
table warranty deed to all uv em for all time.

I warmed up on this elokently. " Behold, my
brethren, the beginnin uv Dimocrasy," I sed. " Fust,
the wine (which wuz the antetype of our whisky)
wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz neces-
sary to the foundation uv the party, and it wuz
forthcomin. But the thing was not complete. It
did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin
void. There was no Nigger in the world, and
without nigger there could be no DImocracy.
Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet,
and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not
be a slave. Whisky wuz the instrument to bring
him down ; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon
his father, and was cust ; and the void wuz filled.
There wuz Nigger and whisky, and upon
them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad
and deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham
went out from the presence uv his father, black in
the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed
10

146 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

to yoose the expression) , bowin his back to the bur-
dens Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity,
that Democracy, then in the womb uv the future,
kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a
nigger to enslave, and whisky to bring men down
to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz whisky to
make men incapable uv labor ; whisky to accom-
pany horse racin, and poker playin, and sich ra-
tional amoosements, and a nigger cust especially
that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe
the fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren,
for whisky and the nigger ; for, without em, there
could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker
mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a
votin the whig ticket to-day."

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz
a sittin quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he
mite ask a question. Thinkin what a splendid op-
portoonity tliere wood be uv demonstratin the soo-
periority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, 1
answered " Yes," gladly.

"Well, Mas'r," sed the old imbecile, " is I a
beest?"

"My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt
uv it."

"Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?"

A Discourse upon the Nigger. 147

" Indubitably," replied I.

"And my children — is they little beasts and
beastesses ? "

" Onquestionably."

" Den a yaller feller ain't but a half a beast,
is he?"

" My friend," sed I, " that question is "

" Hold on," sed he ; " wat I wanted to git at is
dis : dere's a heap uv yaller fellers in dis section,
whose fadders must hev bin white men ; and, ez
der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know
whedder dar ain't no law in Kentucky agin "

" Put him out ! " " Kill the black wretch ! "
shouted a majority uv them who bed bin the heavi-
est slave owners under the good old patriarkle sys-
tem, and they went for the old reprobate. At this
pint, a officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau, who we
hedn't observed, riz, and, bustin with laughter, re-
marked that his venerable friend shood have a
chance to be heerd. We respeck that Burow, par-
tikelerly ez the officers generally hev a hundred or
two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath,
permitted ourselves to be fiirther insulted by the
cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and
perceeded.

148 SwiNGix Round THE Cirkle.

" My white friends," sed he, " dar pears to be an
objection to my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin
v/ith beasts, so I won't press de matter. But I ask
yoo, did Noer hev three sons ? "

" He did," sed I.

" Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?"

" Uv course."

" Ham come from the same fadder and mudder
as the odder two ? "

"Ce-r-t-i-n-l-y."

"Well, den, it seems to me — not fully under-
standin the skripters — dat if we is beasts and beast-
esses, dat you is beasts and beastesses also, and dat,
after all, we is brudders." And the disgustin old
wretch threw his arms around my neck, and kissed
me, callin me his " long lost brudder."

The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosif-
erously, and so did a dozen or two soljers in the
crowd likewise ; and the awjence slunk out without
adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly,
that he had notised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz
extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend
itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd
done with argyment. He wanted niggers, because
he cood wallop em, and make em do his work with-
out payin em, wich he coodent do with white men.

A Discourse upon the Nigger. 149

I left the meetin house convinst that the South,
who worked the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimo-
krats to defend the system, hed the best end uv the
bargain.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Church of the Noo Cispensaehun.

150 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

XXIII.

The Workings of the JFreedmen's Bureau. — A
Report.

'•I

CoNFEDEiT X Roads
(wieh is in the Stait nv Kentucky),
May 27, 1866.

To His Eggsienct the Dispenseb uv Post Orifices, Androo
Johnson, President nv the United States :

IN akordance with yoor esteemed request, dated
the 35th, and received this morning, I to-wunst
proceeded to make doo enquiry ez to the workin uv
the Freedmen's Burow, and the condishun uv the
Afrikin citizens uv Amerikin descent in this vicin-
ity. The fact that a Ablishnist still holds the Post
Orifice at the Corners (wich place, by the way, I
hev been solicited to accept), interfered materially
with the bizines I hed in hand. I to-wunst tooted
the horn, ez is the custom when we hev religious
servis, and called my congregashun together. They
kum runnin in from the different groceries ; and
here another difficulty ensood. The grosery keep-
ers wanted to know what we wuz a going to hev

Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau. 151

meetin on week days for? They wuz willin to

shut up doorin meetin time on Sundays, ez they

respected the church, and it give em time to sweep

out the terbacker, et settery ; but they'd be d — d ef

they wuz a goin to hev the people pulled away from

their nourishment on week days. I succeeded in

pacifyin em, and went in at wunst examinin the

leadin citizens. Their testimony is ez follows : —

•
Captin Skelper

Wuz a nigger owner afore the war, and durin the
late fratrisidle sti'uggle wuz a captan in the confedrit
servis. Wuz with Ginral Forest at Fort Pillow.
Hez hed much experence with niggers. Bleeves
em to be adapted to the climit uv Kentucky, and
much more able to stand the hot sun than the
whites. When they wuz slaves, never knowd em
to refooze to work ; know they alluz did work,
becoz he generally stood over em with a nigger
whip. Since they hev bin free, hez notist a change ;
not much uv a change, ontil the Nigger Burow wuz
establisht. Before that they'd take sich wages ez
joo chose to give em ; since then the d — d heathen
will stand out bout ez the white men do, and won't
work at all onless yoo meet their views, wich made
a heap up trouble, and materially retarded the devel-

152 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

ment uv the country. The Burow hed corrupted
the female niggers ; ez they hed all bin legally mar-
ried by the Ghaphns to the men they'd lived with,
and wuz so sot on Hvin with em, that there's no
yoose uv yoor tryin to get a house wench unless yoo
took her husband also.. His wife wuz now doin
degradin work at home for want uv help. Strongly
urged the abrogashen uv the Burow, and the re-
moval uv the Abolishun Postmaster at the Corners.

Deacon McGrath

Wuz eggsamined. Wuz convinst in his own mind
that the Afrikin wuz now out uv his normal speer,
and that the infernal Burow wuz at the bottom uv
it. The nigger, afore the Burow come around, wuz
docile and easly controlled. His boy Joe wui wun.st
a model nigger. He'd get up every mornin at 4
A. M. (wich means in the mornin), and work every
day till after dark. Ez soon ez he wuz emancipated,
ez they called it, and the Burow come, I told him to
get up, one mornin ; and he told me, impudently,
that he'd concluded he woodent. I undertook to
chastise him with a fence stake, whereupon he
sailed in, and whaled me ; and the Burow, to which
I applied for redress, larft in my face. He left, and
is now draggin out a mizerable existence in Ohio,

Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau. 153

on the beggarly pittance uv two dollars a day, and
my farm is runnin to weeds. He conclooded by
givin it ez his solemn opinion that he never cood be
reconciled to the Government so long ez the Biirow
wuz tolerated, and that Ablishnist held the Post
Orifis at the Corners.

Gineral Dinges

Considered the Burow a inkubus upon the State.
It interfered between master and servant. Cood git
along better ef the nigger wuz left to the nateral
laws wich regulates capital and labor. Tried to
keep his niggers, and did keep em the past summer
till after the crop wuz in, and then tried to settle
with em for four dollars a month, with sich deduc-
tions for food, sickness, and brakin tools, et settry,
ez wuz just. Brought the niggers, all uv em, in my
debt, and generously proposed to let em work it out
choppin cord wood doorin the winter. Hauled me
up afore the Burow, and wuz forst to pay em each
$15 per month. Consider the Burow ez all that
stands in the way uv i-ekonstruction, though the
removal uv the Ablishun Postmaster at the Corners
and the appintment uv a sound constooshnel Dim-
ekrat wood grately assist in conciliatin the Kentucky
mind.

154 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

I tried to get some nigger testimony, but cood
elicit nothing worth while. One nigger, who spends
the heft uv his time at the Corners, wuz opposed to
the Burow becoz it stopt rations on him. And
Lucy, a octoroon, who formerly belonged to, and
still resides with. Elder Gavitt (who is now absent
ez a delegate to a Southern religious convention at
Louisville), testified that the Burow "wuz no grate
shakes," becoz bein ez the Elder wuz a widower,
and the father uv all her children, and bein she's a
free woman, she askt the agent to make the Elder
marry her, and he woodn't do it. But sich evidence
is irrelevant, and I didn't consider it worth while
botherin yoor Eggslency with it. Both, however,
strongly insisted on the removal uv the Ablishun
Postmaster at the Corners.

Abslum Pettus

Wuz convinst the Burow wuz agin the prosperity
uv the State, and wuz underminin the moral and
physikle welfare uv the nigger. It made him impu-
dent. Hed sum uv em workin for him, and notist
at noons and nites he'd find em with a spellin-book
and a reader. Didn't bleeve in readin. Coodent
read hisself, but hed a cousin wunst who leai ned ;

Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau. 155

but ez soon ez he cood read he moved off to Inje-
anny, quit the Democrisy, and becura a loathsum
Ahlishnist. Heerd he wuz killed in the war, and
served him rite. Wanted to know what we wood
do when the niggers cood all read. Sposed we'd
hev to 'lect em to ofEs, ez the people alluz selected
sich, when they cood find em. Didn't bleeve in
nigger equality, and wuz in favor uv a imediate
change in the post orfice at the Corners.

Captin McSlather thought things hed cum to a
sweet old pass, when a man coodn't lather a nigger
without bein hauled up afore a Burow.

Kurnel Pelter thought ef yoor Eggsolency cood
witness the corupshun that eggsisted in the Burow,
yoo'd make short work uv it. Why, he whipped a
nigger hand more than he ought, perhaps, and ne
died uv the injuries. It wuz a aggravatin case.
The nigger wuz sassy, and it cost three hundred and
sixteen dollars to pen'ide for his family. That in-
famous Burow made me pay for their rashens all
winter. He asked, indignantly, ef this wuz or wuz
not a free kentry into wich such things wuz permit-
ted. And the Ablishen Postmaster at the Corners
approved the tyranikle action. He demanded his
removal.

156 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

I conceive it to be onnecessary to submit furthel-
testimony. I know not what luck yoor other com
missioners may hev met with in takin testimony on
this subjick ; but in this vicinity there can't be no
doubt that there can't be that love for the Govern-
ment, without wich free instooshens won't flourish
to any alarmin extent, ontil this monster is squelched.
The testimony is unanimous, arid them ez I bev
eggsamined are representative men.

You may hev notist, also, the singler unanimity
with wich they all bore testimony to the necessity
uv a change in the Post Orifis at the Corners. I
endorse all they say on this question, considerin
that that. change is ez necessary in the grate work
uv pacifyin and consiliation ez is the removal of the
Burow. In case a change is made, I would say,
for your guidance, that I hev been warmly solici-
ted by my friends to accept the position, and to
pacify em, hev at last yielded a reluctant consent.
The fact that I never sei-ved in the Confederate
army may be an objection ; but, to offset that, I
voted for Vallandj'gum twice.

Ef possible, send me a pardon at the same time
yoo send me my commission ez Post Master ; for,
If the Post OfEs don't pay, I may want to run for

Workings of the Freedmen's Bureau. 157

some other office, in wich event that document
would be essential to my success.

With sentiments uv the most profound respek,
I am
>^ Trooly yours,

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Church uy the Noo Dispensashun.

158 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

XXIV.

Presides at a Church Trial.

CoNFEURiT X Roads
(wioh is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 9,

Roads J
entuoky), >
9, 1866. J

THEY hed a ruction in the church at the Corners
yisterday, wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv
the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv the
temple we hev reared with so much care and hev
guarded with so much solissitood. When I say
" we," I mean the members thereof, ez the church
wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Con-
fedrit soljers and sich Dimokrats ez remaned at
home nootrel ; but inasmuch ez I am the only reg-
lerly ordained DimOkratic paster in these parts I
ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insen-
sibly fell into a habit uv speekin uv the church ez
" my " church, and I feel all the solissitood for its
spiritooal and temporal welfare that I cood ef I
wuz reglerly ordained ez its paster, wich I expect to
be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners,

Presides at a Church Trial. 159

wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest
dye, wich President Johnson, with a stubbornness I
can't account for, persistently refooses to remove.

The case wuz suthin like this : —

Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather
with hevin, in broad daylite, with no attempt at
concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free nigger
at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charge
Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.

The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified
ez follows : —

" Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up fof
the drinks with Deekin Slather. Hed jist beet the
Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and
held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv
goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz
hevin a little discussion with him — the Deekin in-
sistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv
the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood
afford to play five games between drinks ! The ijee
is preposterous and unheard of, and ther ain't no
precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin tlie
dispoot in regler orthodox style — he hed his fingers
twisted in my neck handkercher, and I held a stick
uv stove wood suspended over his head. While in
this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein

i6o SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle..

Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger,
and, —

The Court. — Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother
Pennibacker?

Witness. — Certainly.

The Court. — The scribe will make a minnit uv
tl'is. Go on.

Witness. — They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-
in arm, walked up to the bar, and drank together.
By the Court. — Did they drink together?

Witness. — They ondeniably did.
By myseJ-f. ^— The Court desires to know what
partikeler flooid they absorbed.

Witness. — Can't say — spose 'twas Bascom's new
whiskey — that's all he's got, ez the Court very well
knows.

By myself. — The Sexton will go at once to Bas-
com's and procoor the identicle bottle from wich
this wretched man, who stands charged with thus
lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The
Court desires to know for herself whether it was
really whisky. The pint is an important one for
the Court to know.

A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be
better onderstood by the Court if it wuz a quart.
The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the Court,

Presides at a Church Trial. i6i

wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and
ti'ooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my
parched throat, I wished that trials based upon that
bottle cood be perpetooal.

I considered the case proved, and asked Brother
Pogram what palliation he hed to offer. I set before
him the enormity uv the crime, and showed him
that he was by this course sappin the very foun-
dashun uv the Church and the Democratic party.
Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger
equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told
him that Ham wuz cust by Noer, and wuz con-
demned to be a servant unto his brethren — that he
wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built
upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any
shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them
up to our standard or lowrin ourselves to theirn ; in
either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother
Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin,
and humbly receeve sich punishment ez shood be
awai'ded him, and go and sin no more. " Speak
lip, Brotlier Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet se-
verely.

Brother Pogram, to my unspeekable relief, for he
is the wealthiest member of the congregashun, and
one we darsn't expel, replied, —
II

1 62 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

"That he did drink with the nigger, and wal
wuz more, he wuz justified in doin it, for the

NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY ! ! "

" But shoorly," I remarked, " it wasn't nessary to
/cor purpose to come in with the nigger arm-in-
arm, — a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef nol
affeckshun."

The Prisoner. — The nigger and I hed bin pitch-
in coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis,
hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, fearin that
ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They
are slippery.

Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-
wunst dismist the charge as unfounded and frivo-
lous.

" My brethren," sez , I, " the action of Brother
Pogram is not only justifiable, but is commendable,
and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust by Noer,
and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The
nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are the
rltscendants uv the brethren, and ef Noer hed a clear
rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the
balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood
on the nigger, for it is clear that he wuz made to
labor for us and minister to our wants. So it wuz,
my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, inter-

Presides at a Church Trial. i6'^

fered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat she!
we do ? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by
financeerin. We can't any longer compel the niggei
to furnish us the means, and therefore in order to
fulfil the skripter, we are justified in accomplishing
by ovir sooperior skill wat we used to' do with whips
and dorgs.

" The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marcnm
into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a sublime spec-
tacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv
the trop Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an
encounter where skill wuz required, thus demon-
stratin the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Saxon mind —
he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.

" Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play
with for drinks ! The case is dismissed, the costs to
be paid by the complainant ! "

The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever.
This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abut-
ment — a tall and strong tower.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
liait Pvster uy the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun,

t64 Swingin Round the Cirkle.

XXV.

Turns a Meeting; called to Indorse General
Rosseau, to Account.

CONFEDRIT X BoiDS J

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >
June 22, 1866. )

THERE wuz joy at the Corners when the Post-
master (who takes the only paper wich comes
to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some
demoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and
the officers uv the Freedmen's Burow^ here) read to
the crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich
is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv
joy through the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet
Buslin out into nine harty cheers, we to-wunst
organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our
feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz
rung, the people gathered together, and I wuz
elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to preside
becoz I'm bald-hedded ; they think bald heads and
dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secre-

Meeting to Indorse Gen. Rosseau. 165

tary, with 36 Vice-Presidents — one for each State,
I made a short speech on takin tlie chair, congratu-
latin em on the auspicious event wich called us
together. Whereupon a Committee on Resolutions
wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense, reported
ez follows : —

Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian,
and therefore a gentleman, hevin got into a argu-
ment with a Iowa sheep-breeder; and,

Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument,
he dextrously turned it into blackguardin ; and,

Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin,
he remembered the ancient usages uv the chivalrous
sons uv the South, and caned him ; therefore, be it

Resolved, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit
X Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, hereby
thank General Rosso for his manly vindication uv
the character uv Kentucky.

Resolved, That we know not wich to admire the
most ; tlie dashin Gineral's courage in bravin the
public sentiment uv the North, or his prudence in
selectin the smallest and physically weakest man in
the House to demonstrate onto.

Resolved, That ez Thad Stevens .is 70 3^ears uv
age, and lame, and hardly recovered from his fit uv

1 66 SwiNGiN Round the CirkLe.

sickness, we suggest that our beloved hero com-
mence a argument with him, feelin that so far ez
the argument and blackguardin goes the result will
be the same, only so much more so ez to give him a
good excuse for killin him, wich wood be doin the
South a servjs indeed.

Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent
felt so good sence the Memphis riots.

Resolved, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's
makes up and compensates the South for the out-
rage he inflicted onto her when he jined the vandal
host wich devastated her soil, and that hereafter he
shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez tho
he had gone, into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal
servis.

Resolved, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are
due the bold, brave men who accompanied and
stood by General Rosso in this vindication uv the
Southern spirit.

I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it beiti
the rool, when the leaders want a thing to pass,
never to call for the nays, and it went through all
right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another
resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read
it: —

Meeting to Indorse Gen. Rosseau. 167

Resolved, That in retainin in the Post OfEs, at
the Corners, a Ablishnist, President Johnson is — "

At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me.
He spozed this meetin wuz called to congratulate
Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a
paltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much impor-
tance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was clearly
out uv order.

I replied, —

" Wood yoo be glad, or wood this congregashun
be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in *he place uv
tliat Ablishnist?"

The Deekin replied that personally he wood.
He had the highest respect for my massive talents
and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, and
besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis,
he wood stand a chance uv gettih the nine dollars
and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him, ,
and —

I called him to order at once.

Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who fur-
nishes me with likker (wich I hev to take for my
hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve,
insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further
my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the benevolent
gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed, —

l68 SwiNGIN RotJND THE CiRKLE.

" I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a reso-
loosbun demandin a change in the Post Orfis into
the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood be, my
friends," sad I, " no yoose uv sendin him a naked
resolution demandin this change, becoz he reseeves
hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for
offices every day ; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate
that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimoc-
risy, my brethren, are alive on this subject. Ef
they are to support the Pi'esident, they want, and
will heVj the post orifises, for uv what use is it to
support a man and pay yoor own expenses? It is
plain that the proceedins uv a post ofBs meetin
wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes
up to him from the people, endorsin a supporter uv
his policy, and ez it will be. the only one he hez
reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read it
through, and in the exultation he will fe'el at bein
endorsed by anybody, who doubts the result? The
Post Oriiis is mine."

Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly,
the adoption uv the resolution. I suggested that I
hed better read it, but he sed it made no difference ;
he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and con-
fidin individooal I board with seconded the motion,
and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech,

Meeting to Indorse Gen. Rosseau. 169

statin that he understood tliat it wuz Brother Nasby's
intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position,
to devote the first three and a half years' salary
towards payin off the small indebtedness he hed con-
tracted sence he hed honored the town by residin in
i*. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent,
whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonani-
musly. Hevin lived here a little risin uv a year, the
vote wuz perfeckly yoonanimous.
My prospex is britenin.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster uv the Church ut the Noo Dispensashunt

I'jo SwiNGiN Round the Cikkia.

XXVI.

preaches — T7i6 ^^ Prodigal Son" — An Interrupt
Hon.

CONPEBEIT X UOADS \

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >
July 6, 1866. )

IrREACHED last Sabbath, or rather, tried to,
from the parable of the Prodigal Son. We had
a splendid congregashun. I notice a revival of the
work in this part uv the Dimocratic vineyard wich
reely cheers me. The demonstrashun our friends
made in Memphis, the canin uv Grinnel by Rosso,
and the call for a Johnson Convenshun in Philadel-
phia, all, all hev conspired to comfort tlie souls uv the
Dimocrisy, and encourage em to renewed effort. It
is bringing forth fruit. Only last week five northei n
men were sent whirlin out of this section. They
dusted in the night to escape hangin, leavin their
goods as a prey for the righteous. Six niggers hev
bin killed and one Burow officer shot. Trooly tliere
is everything to encourage us.

The house wuz full. The weatlier wuz hot, and

Preaches^ The "Prodigal Son." 171

the pleasant incense uv mingled whiskey, tobacco,
and snufl' wich ariz wuz grateful to me. The sun
shone in on Deekin Pogram's face ez he gently
slept, and when the sun hits him square I kin alluz
tell wher he sets, even ef it is dark. He drinks
apple-jack instead of corn whiskey, and chaws fine
cut tobacker instead uv plug, and consekently when
in the pulpit I kin distinguish the pecooliar aroma
uv his breath from those around him.

" My brethren," sed I, " sich uv yoo ez hev Bibles
in yoor houses, kin get somebody to read yoo the
parable to wich I shel call yoor attention. A man,
wunst upon a time, bed sons, ez many men hev
since, and wun uv em wuz a tough one. He left
his home and went into far countries, makin the old
man shel out his share uv the estate, and he lived
high, jist, my brethren, ez yoor boys do, or rather,
did, when they went to Noo Orleans, in the days
when yoo bed a nigger or two wich yoo cood sell
to supply em with money. He played draw poker
and faro ; he drank fancy drinks, and boarded at big
hotels ; and he foUered after strange women, wich '11
bust a man quicker nor any one small sin the devil
hez yet invented, ez yoor pastor kin testify. Uv
course, his pile give out, and he got down, my
friends, did this ingenuous yooth, to rags and

172 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

wretchedness, and ended in being an overseer uv
swine. What did he do ? He ariz and went to his
father, and the old man saw him afar off, and went
out to meet him, and fell onto his neck, and give
him a 01-der for a soot of clothes and a pair uv
boots, and put a ring onto his finger, and made a
feast, killin for the purpose the fatted calf wich he
hed saved for another occasion.

" My friends, you kin find in the Skripter suthin
applicable to every occasion, and this parable fits
the present time like a ready-made coat. The South
is the Prodigal Son. We went out from our father's
house on a expedition wich heznt proved altogether
a success. We spent our share uv the estate, and a
little more. We run through with our means, and
hev cum down to rags, and dirt, and filth, and hun-
ger. We are, and hev bin some time, a chawin
husks. We run out after them twin harlots, Slavery
and State Rights, and they've cleaned us out. Oui
pockets are empty. No more doth the pleasant
half-dollar jingle in sweet unison agin its fellows.
Our wallets is barren uv postal currency, and the
grocery-keepers mourn, and refuse to be comforted,
becoz we are not. We hev got to the husk stage
uv our woe, and wood be tendin hogs, ef the armies,
wicli past through these countries, hed left us ^ny.

Preaches — The "Prodigal Son." 173

We hev kutn back. In rags and dirt we hev wended
our way to Washington, and ask to be taken back.
Now, why don't our father, the Government, fulfil
the Skripter? Why don't it see us afar off, and run
out to meet us? Why don't it put onto us a purple
robe? Where's the ring for our finger, and the
shoes for our feet? and where's the fatted calf he
ought to kill? My brethren, them Ablishnists is
worse than infiddles — while they preach the gospel
the}' won't practise it. For my part, I "

At this point a sargent, belorlgin to that infernal
Burow, who wuz in the awdience, with enough uv
soldiers to make opposin uv him unpleasant, sed he
hed bin a sort uv an exhorter in his day, and desired
to say a word in explanation uv that parable, ez ap-
plicable to the present time ; and, sez he, " ef I am
interrupted, remember I b'long to the church mili-
tary, wich is, just now, the church triumphant."
And cockin his musket he proceeded, very much
uninterrupted.

" The prodigal son," sez he, " wuz received by
the old man with considerable doins, but, my worthy
friends, he went out decently. He didn't, ez soon ez
he withdrawed from the house,, turn around and make
war onto the old gentleman — he didn't burn his house
and barns, tear up his garden, burn his fences, and

1 74 SwiNGiN Round the Ciiikle.

I
knock down the balance uv the children. Not any

lie went away peaceably, a misguided good-for-
nothin, but yet a feaceable good-for-nothin. Sec-
ondly, he come back uv his own akkord. The old
man didn't go after him, and fight for four years, at
a cost uv half his substance, to subdue him and
bring him back, but when he hed run through his
pile, and squandered his share uv the estate, and got
hungry, he came back like a whipped dog.

" My friends, let me draw a small parallel between
tliese cases.

" The Prodigal Son went out, — so Jid the South,
— r thus farly the cases is alike.

" The Prodigal didn't steal nothin. The Confed-
eracy took everything it cood. lay its hands on.

" The Prodigal spent only what wuz his to spend.
The Confederacy spent not only all it stole, but all
it cood borrer, when it knowd its promises to pay
wuzent worth the mizable paper they wuz printed
onto.

" The Prodigal, when he did come, come ez peni-
tent ez the consciousness that he hed made a fool
uv hisself cood make him. The Confederacy wuz
whipped back, but it still swears hefty oaths tliat it
VVX.1Z right all the time.

" The Prodigal didn't demand veal pot-pies, and

Prkaches — The "Prodigal Son." 175

parple robes, and sich, but begged to be a ser->
vaiit unto the more sensible brethren wich stayed.
The South comes back demandin office, uv wich
the fatted calf, and-rings, and purple robes is typical,
and considerably more share in the government than
it had before it kicked over the'traces, and went out
like the lost tribes uv Israel.

" Spozn the Bible prodigal bed stopped his parient,
and remarked to him thus : ' I am willin to come
back, on conditions. Yoo must pay my debts — yoo
must give me an ekal share uv the farm with the
other boys — yoo must treat me in all respecks just
ez ef I hadn't gone out, and — this is essential —
yoo must take with me all the sharpers who ruined
me, all the gamblers and thieves with whom I fell
in while I wuz away, and make them head men on
the place ; and above all, I hev with me the two
harlots wich wuz the prime cause of my ruin, and
they must hev eleven of the best roomson the house,
and must be treated ez your daughters. To avoid
,displeasin the others, I'll dress em in different
clothes, but here they must stay. Otherwise, I'll go
out agin.'

" Probably the old gentleman wood hev become
indignant, and would hev remarked to him to go,
and uevel let him see his audacious face agin, or

176 SwiNGiN Round tiie Cirklk.

rather, he would hev strangled the harlots, scat-
tered the blacklegs, and choked the young sprout
into submission. Them's me. I am anxious to
kill that fatted calf, and am also anxious to put
on yoo robes and shoes. But, alas ! the calf suf-
fered from want uv attention so long doorin the
late misunderstandins that he's too poor — the' robes
wuz all cut up into bloo kotes for the soljers we
sent out to fetch you in — the shoes they wore out,
and the rings — Jeff'son Davis wears the only style
we hev. When you come back in good sbepe,
yool find us ready to meet you ; but till then, chaw
husks 1 "

Looldn around, this armed tyrant remarked that
there would be no more preaching that day, and
sadly the congregation dispersed.

I'm heart sick. At every turn I make that Burow
stares me in the face, and counteracts my best en-
deavors. It's curious, though, what different ser-
mons kin be preached from the same text, and it's
also curious how quiet our folks listen to a ablishnist
who hez muskets to back him.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
Lait Faster ut tlie Church of the New Dispensasliun,

A Pleasant Dream.

177

A Plecsant Dream^ the Philadelphia Convention
being the Subject thereof.

CoNFEDKiT X Roads ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

July 28, 1866. )

MY dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin
the past five years, hevent bin overly pleas-
ant ; indeed, they hev taken more the shaipe uv
hideous nitemares than anything else — Linkin,
Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin
extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision
wich more than repaid me for all I hev suffered
heretofore. I hed bin at the Corners assistin in
inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a
demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surrep-
titiously in Maine, among them Ablishunists, and
consekently hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown
Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv.
His entire capital with which he proposed to com-
mence biznis wuz one barrel uv new corn whiskey,
12

lyS SWINGIN^ROUND THE CiRKLE.

and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to
make the acquaintance uv his customers, he an-
nounced one free nite, and invited the entire com-
munity. His invitashun wuz considered generous,
and we met it in the same noble sperit — in a
more nobler sperit than the cpnfidin and ignorant
man desired, in fact ; for when we got through, in
ibout 38 minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskej
left, and while the new grocery keeper wuz a rollin
uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool. He
didn't op'en agin ; he consoomed his stock in trade
in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His
stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an
inaugerashen.

I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered
ez I wuz, slept

*' A sweetly dreamin —
Dreamin the happy hours away."

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the I4tli uv
August had arriv. There wuz a glorious assem-
blage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv
the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey
Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. Tlie
Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward
present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I

A Pleasant Dream. 179

notist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings,
draped in white, and weai 'n a melonkoly look, with
one hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him
out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like
a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv
him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last men-
tioned bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail
'Vich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with
the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear,
whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-
President Franklin Pierce, be chairman ; upon
wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings,
and flew away, castin at William the most sorrow-
ful look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal
laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the
chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from
each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My
buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read ;
it wuz more like an old-fashioned Democratic Con-
venshun than anything I hed heard for five long
years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and
Rhetl, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dan-
dridge and Forrest ; I heard the names uv Craven
and Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like
him uv old — " Miue eyes hev seen thy glory, now let
thy scn-ant depart in peace." Nothin but the cer-

i8o SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

tainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the
Corners kept me from goin up. Singler 'tis wat
slender ties hold us to earth !

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the com-
mittees — two on each from the South and one from
the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the
committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-
General, bein the Northern representative. We
hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us,
so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for
two hours to decide what shood be the proper quali-
fication for a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez
delegates, —

From the North — all Dimocrats who had
bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns ; all officers who
hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war,
and all Republikins who cood show a commishun
ez Postmaster and sich, and (this vstiz considered
necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin
to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast
bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence
Tanooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz
specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.

From the South — all who cood show a offi-
cer's commission in the late Confedrit army ; all who
had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all

A Pleasant Dream. i8i

who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wicb
inclooded all present.

This decided upon, tlie work wuz done. The
delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv
Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret
Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz
hired for him in anothet part uv the city, and fifty
or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand
a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act
ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich
I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the
hall, and most uv em sta3'ed seven hours and a
half.

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which
wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and
Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a
speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John
Morrissey were on the Committee on Resolutions,
and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one
seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint.
Thtvy resolved that, —

\M1erea3, there hed bin a season uv unplci^sant-
ness in our national history, wich, owin to circum-
stances over wich nobody hed any control, extended
over several periods uv ninety days each ; and

i82 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the
two sections viewin things each from its own stand-
pint, instead of viewin things from the other's stand-
pint ; and

Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong,
partikelerly the North ; and

Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown
in history, hed thrown down her arms, and wuz
ready to resoom her old position in the Government
— nay, more, to take more than her old share in the
trouble uv runnin the Government ; therefore be it

Resolved, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it
wuz.

Resolved, That the persistency uv a sectional
Congress, in continuin the unpleasantness wich hez
to some extent disturbed our system uv Government,
in legistatin while eleven sovereign States is unrep-
resented, is pizen.

Resolved, That we view with alarm the manifest
determination uv Congress to centralize in their-
sclves the law-makin power uv the Government,
and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief
Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to
check their centralizin schemes by vetoin all they
may do.

Resolved, That all traces uv the late onpleasant-

A Pleasant Dream. 183

ness may be wiped out ez soon ez possible, we
demaD'^ uv Congress an appropriation for plowin
over all the fields on wich the citizens uv the two
sectio ns who wuz indoost by their respective Gov-
ernments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum to-
gether, particklerly them on wich our Southern
brethren got the worst uv the disputes that ensood

Resolved^ That Congress shood, ez soon ez it con-
venes, change the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettys-
burg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et settry, to sich names ez
Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et settry, that
the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them
places may be remembered no more forever.

Resolved, That the citizens uv the Southern States
wich lost their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late
unpleasantnesses wich hez bin referred to, ought to
be placed on the pension rolls the same ez the
Northern citizens who suffered likewise ; and that
the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things
ez viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid
the same ez the debt incurred by the North in up-
toldin things ez viewed from its stand-pint.

Resolved, That we are willin, for the sake uv
harmony, to admit that Sherman and Grant were,
all things considered, worthy uv bein ranked with
Lee and Jackson.

184 SWINGIN ROXJND THE CiRKLH.

Resolved, That the safety uv the Government
demands that sich ez took part in the late unpleas-
a itnis, from the Southern States, be to-wunst admit-
ted to Congress, and to the other posishens wich
they yoost to ornament, and that the more unpleas-
ant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they
ought to be admitted.

Resolved, That there shall be gushen confidences,
we tireely forgive the honored Secretary uv State for
the too free use uv his little bell doorin the late un-
pleasantnis, believin that he viewed things from his
own stand-pint instead uv somebody else's, wich
alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson,
supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and
Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan
in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich
a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the
air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly tliey advanced
up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait
uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate
tore from the wall and throwd before em. They
took their position on the stage. Gen. Buell holdin
over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise,

A Pleasant Dream. 185

uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the
music uv two bands ; one a playin Dixie, and the
other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton
floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated
the countenance uv President Johnson. In my
dreem I heerd him murmur, " There wuz me, and
Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and
then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon,
and, good God ! Johnson ! Faugh ! " and I notist that
George spit ez tho' suthin in his mouth didn't taste
well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked
sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out
uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off" uv his sper-
itool boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I
resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the
next mornin. The guUotin hed commenced work,
and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin
their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four
hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed
forvvard, Randall hisself give me mine. " Take it,
my venerable friend," sez he, with tears a gushin
down his cheeks ; " take it. No more shall that
Demokrat in your township who takes a paper

i86 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin
radical."

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that
dream wuz a reality ! Will I only git that postoffis
in a dream.

Petroleum V. Nasby,
I<ait Fainter ut the Chuich uv ihe Koo Dispensashun.

The Reward of Virtue. 187

XXVIII.

The Reward of Virtue. — After Months of wait'
ing; the Virtuous Patriot secures his Loaf —
The Jollification.

CoNFEDBiT X Roads "t

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

August 12, 1866. J

AT last I hev it ! Finally it come ! After five
weary trips to Washington, after much weary
waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now
Post Master at Confedrit X Roads, and am dooly
installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any
doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than
Paul the Apossle, a look at my commission removes
it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us
onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my
resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his De-
mocrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am
reassured, for a President who cood turn out a
wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez
ME, must be above suspicion.
I I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a

i88 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in ofEs,
piopoundin these questions : —

1 . Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo
Johnson, in all that he hez done, all that he is doin,
and all he may hereafter do ?

2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Conven-
shun will be a convocashen uv saints, all actuated
by pure motives, and devoted to the salvation uv
our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Sew-
ard, Doolittle, Cowan, and Randall are the four
greatest, and purest, and bestest, and self-sacrificin-
est, and honestest, and righteousist men that this
country hez ever prodoost?

4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot
place reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a
hotter for Wade, and the hottest for Sumner and
Thdd Stevens?

5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by
Rosso ?

6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris
eleven sovrin states a unconstooshnel and unwar-
rantid assumption uv power by a secshnal Congris?

7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and
that (eleven states bein unrepresented) all tlicir acts

The Reward of Virtue. 189

are unconstooshnel and illegal, ceptin them wich
provides for payin salaries ?

8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo
Orleans unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the
unholy machinashens uv them Radical agitators,
actin in conjunction with ignorant and besotted nig-
gers-jjto wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens
uv those properly reconstructed cities.

9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens
uv Amerikin descent kin be safely trusted to the
operations uv the universal law wich governs labor
and capital ?

IG. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per
cent, uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the
defeat uv objectionable Congrismen in the disloyal
states North?

Tq all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes,
but went afore a Justis uv the Peace and took an
affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and my commis-
sion wuz forthwith sent to me.

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news
spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the
town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv jcy
[ ne ver witnessed.

The bells rung, and for an hour or two the

/go SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

Corners wuz in the wildest stait uv eggsitement.
The citizens congratoolated each other on the cer-
tainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the
Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger
families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male
and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a per-
ceshun wuz organized as foUers : —

Tvwo grocery keepers with bottles.

Deekin Pogram.

Me, with my commishun pinned onto a. banner,
and under it written, " In this Sign we Conker."

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the
bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with
one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, " The
Nigger where he oughter be."

Citizen with bottle.

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood
uv wallopin a wench. Banner : " We've Regained
our Rites."

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in per-
ceshun.

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles,
fallin out by the way side.

Citizens, two and two, with bottles.

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a
tiiggei' skool, in a stait uv wreck, with a ded nigger

The Reward of Virtue. igt

laym on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored within
the hour. Banner: "My Policy."

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and
Deekin Pogram takic the Chair, a meetin wtiz to
wunst organized.

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest
moment uv liis life. He wuz gratified at the ap-
pintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appre-
ciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous
into him, and becoz his arduous services in the coz
uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All
these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from
the fact that thare wood now be a probability uv his
gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixty-
two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned
him about eighteen months ago, afore he had
knowed him well, or larned to luv him. But thare
wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite.
It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness ; that A.
Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he
hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv
ofBshl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal
l-.ands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest ;
that he wuz goin to reward his friends — them ez
he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in
condishun to pay the confidin residents uv ^he Cor-

lya SWINGIN ROIIND THE ClAKLE.

ners the little sums he owes them is a good thing
(" Hear ! " " Hear ! " " Troo ! " " Troo ! " with
singular imanimity from every man in the bildin),
but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to
the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement?
("Ad — d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and
" We don't want no moral effect ! " cried another.)
My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the
President goes forth to the South, the price uv Con-
fedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers
will cease ; for the redempshun uv the first I con-
sider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to
their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much
overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four
years, nearly five, the only nev/spaper wich come
to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv
a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the
misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny,
and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that
they were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that
day is over I The Corners is redeemed, the second
Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He
wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and
a half that he loaned the appintee some months
ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first
money —

The Reward of Virtue. 193

Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and
called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef
it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man coed feel
a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv
our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that
tlie President hed cut lopse from Ablishnism, wich
he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire under-
takin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance.
Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and
who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds
uv the position ? He wood never —

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Dee-
kin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered
the foUowin resolutions : —

Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly con-
stooshnel manner, relieved this commoonity uv an
offensive Ablishunist, appinted by that abhorred
tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a sound
constooshnel Demokrat — one whom to know is to
lend ; therefore, be it

Resolved, That we greet the President, and
ashoor him uv our continyood support and confi-
dence.

Resolved, That we now consider the work uv
Reconstruction, so far ez this community is con-
13

194 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

cerned, completed, and that we feel that we are
wunst more restored to our proper relations with
the federal government.

Resolved, That the glorious defence made by the
loyal Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the com-
bined conventioners and niggers, shows that freemen
kin not be conkered, and that white men shel rule
America.

Resolved, That, on this happy occasion, we for-
give the Government for what we did, and cherish
nary resentment agin anybody.

The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin
adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his
policy.

Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed
come there with a note made out for the amount I
owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a
weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that
ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any
good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little
laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they
went away happy.

The next mornin I took possesshun uv the ofBs.

"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I.
No, no ! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here

The Reward of Virtue. 195

is the blanks, and here is the commisshun ! It is
troo ! it is troo !

I heerd a child, across the way, singin, —

" rd like to be a angel,
And with the angels stand."

I woodii't, thought I. I woodn't trade places
with an angel, even up. A Offis with but little to
do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, is ez
much happiness ez my bilers will stand without
bustin. A angel 4sooth !

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.

(wich is Postmaster.)

196 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklk.

XXIX.

The Convocation of Hungry Souls at Philadel-
phia. — A Description of that Memorable Occa-
sion by One who had been Provided for.

Post Opms, Confedeit x Koabs ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), ?

August 14, 1866. )

PEACE is into me. I hev spent many happy
periods in the course uv a eventful life ; but I
never knowd what perfeck satisfaction wuz till now.
T]ie first week I wuz married to my Looizer Jane it
wuz hevenly ; for, independent uv the other blisses
incident to the married state, I beleeved that she
wuz the undivided possessor uv a farm, or ruther her
father wuz, wich, on the old man's decease, wood be
hern, and the prospeck uv a lifetime with a amiable,
well-built woman, with a farm big enough to sup-
port me, with prudence on her part, wuz bliss itself;
and I enjoyed it with a degree uv muchness rarely
ekaled, until I found out that it wuz kivered more
deeply with mortgages than it wuz ever likely to be

The Convocation at Philadelphia. 197

with crops, and my dreem uv happiness busted.
Sweet ez wuz this week, it wuz misery condensed
when compared to the season I hev jest passed
through.

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn't elect-
ed nor nothin, and hedn't any credentials ; but the
door uv the wigwam I passed, nevertheless. The
door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helperf
me ; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster,
wuz uv yoose ; but I spect my hevin a gray coat on,
with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz
wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates
fought shy uv me ; but the Northern ones, bless their
souls ! the minit they saw the star on the collar uv
my gray coat, couldn't do enuff for me. They ad-
dressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed " this
wuz trooly an unmeritid honor," and paid for my
drinks ; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and
twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doub-
led it ; but tlie fellows wuz took in so easy that no
financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no
amoozment.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most afiectinist
gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Ran-
dall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood
see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and

198 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein
the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped
into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there
wuz the inost perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle,
who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and
nodded his head, when Randall announced that the

DELEGATES FROM SoUTH KarLINY, AND THE DEL-
EGATES FROM MaSSACHOOSITS, wood ENTER ARM

IN ARM ! With a slow and measured step they cum
in ; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin com-
menst — and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle pulled
out his white hankercher, and applied it to his
eyes ; and every delegate simultaneous!}' pulled out
a white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life ;
not that there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in
the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from
South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of his-
self, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary,
but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz deter-
mined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it ; and
Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd
uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr's con-
dccension in walkin at all with sich a umble indi-
vidjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz signifi-
cant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see,

The Convocation at Philadelphia. 199

ez them two men — one sneekin, and tether ashamed
uv hisself — walked up that aisle? Wat did I see?
I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condi-
shun, I saw the reunion uv the two wings. In
fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited.
The North, one wing, and the weakest ; Kentucky,
the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious ; South-west,
the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and
claws ; Ohio, the heart ; Pennsylvania, the stomach ;
South Caroliny, the tail feathers ; and Noo Jersey,
the balance of the bird, — I saw these parts, for five
years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in
one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin,
"Take em both together; tliey go in lots." I saw
the old Union — the bold, shivelrous Southner a
guidin, controUin, and directin the machine, and
assoomin to hisself the jplaces uv honor, and the
Dimokrat uv the North foUerin, like a puppy dog,
at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap
up ; the Southerner ashamed uv his associations,
but forced to yoose em ; the Northerner uncomfort-
able in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest.
I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-
four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule
em ; and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept,
but it wuz in dead earnest.

200 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

"Wat are you blubberin for?" asked a enthusias<
tic delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his
eyes with a handkercher.

" I'm a Postmaster," sez I, " and must do my
dooty in this crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls
for?" retorted I. "Are you a Postmaster?"

" No," sez he ; " but I hope to be ; " and he
swabbed away with renood vigger.

" Wat's the matter with the eyes uv all the dele-
gates ? " sez I. '

" They've all got Post Offisis in em," sez he ; and
he worked away faster than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered
from the hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me,
and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot
to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the
Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my
heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I
slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat
that hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt ; and there
wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representa-
tives uv the first families uv the South, and in Phuj-
ADELPHiA, AT A CONVENTION, with all the leadin
Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and
Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call,
with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here

The Convocation at Piiii.ADEi,PHiA. 201

is a prospeck ! Here is fattiis ! The President into
our confidence ! The Postmaster General a runnin
the-Convention ! The bands a playin Dixie and the
Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody
cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side
the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on
in the past ! Ah ! my too susceptible sole filled up
agin ; the teers started ; but that vent wuznt enuff,
and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty
Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site
uv the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed
to ketch me ; and they bore me out uv the w^igwam.
Sed one, " Wat a techin scene ! overpowered by his
feelins." " Yes," sed another : " he deserves a
apintment."

I didn't go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd
it wan't no yoose ; and besides, after all the teers
that had been shed, — the members wringin their
handkerchers onto the floor, — it wuz sloppy under
foot. Conciliation and tqnderness gushed out uv em.
I knowd it would be all right ; it couldn't be other
wise. There wuz bonds wich held the members
together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble.
Johnson, hevin a ambition to head a party, must
hev a party to head. Tne Northern delegashun —
wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists —

203 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

couldn't do notljin without the Democracy North ;
and both on em combined couldn't do nothin with-
out the Democracy South, The President eood
depend on the Democracy North, coz he holds the
offices ; the Democracy North cood depend on the
President, coz he must hev their votes. The Pres-
ident cood depend on the Democracy South, coz
they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen
Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em
out, and preventin em from woUopin their niggers ;
the Democracy South cood depend on the Presi-
dent, coz he must hev their Representatives in tlieir
seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris, — all cood
depend on all, each cood depend on tlie other, coz
each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little
private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the
others to turn the grind-stone.

The Southern delegates, some on em, wuznt so
well pleased. " What in thunder," sed one uv em,
" did they mean by pilin on the agony over the
the Yanks we killed ? by pledgin us to give up the
ijee uv seceshen, and by pledgin on us to pay the
Nashnel Yankee debt?"

" ' Sh I " sed I ; " easy over the rough places.
My friend, they didn't mean it ; or, ef they did, tve
didn't. Is a oatli so hard to break? Wood it

The Convocation at Philadelthia. 203

bouble that eminent patriot Breckenridge, after all
the times he swore to support the Constitution, to
sware to it wunst more? and wood it trouble him to
break it any more than it did in '61 ? Nay, verily.
Dismiss them gloomy thots. Vallandigham wuz
kicked out ; but a thousand mules, and all uv em
old and experienced, cooden't kick him out uv our
service. DooHttle talked Northern talk, coz it's a
habit he got into doorin the war ; but he'll git over
it. Raymond will be on our side this year, certain,
for last year he was agin us ; and by the time he
is ready to turn agin, he'll be worn to so small a
pint that he won't be worth hevin ; and the Democ-
risy uv the Nortli wuz alluz ourn, and ef they wuz-
zent, the offices Johnson hez in reserve will draw
em like lode stun.

" My deer sir, I wunst knowd a Irishman, who
wuz sense killed in a Fenian raid, employed as a ar-
tist in well diggin. It wuz his lot to go to the bottom
uv the excavation and load the buckets with earth.
The dinner horn sounded, and he, with the alacrity
characteristic uv the race, sprang into the bucket,
and told em to hist away ; and they histed. But ez
they histed, they amoozed themselves a droppin
earth onto him. ' Shtop ! ' sed he ; but they didn't.
' Shtop ! ' sed he, ' or, be gorra ! I'll cut the rope.'

204 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

My dear sir, Randall, and Doolittle, and Sew»rd,
and Johnson are a histin us out uv the pit we fell
into in i860. Their little talk about debts, and
slavery, and sich, is the earth they're droppin onto
us for fun ; but shel we, like ijeots, cut the rope ?
Nary ! Let em hist ; and when we're safe out, and
on solid ground, we kin, ef we desire, turn and
chuck em into the hole."

All went off satisfied: the Northern men, for
they carried home with em their commishuns ; I,
feelin that my Post office wuz sekoor ; for ef, with
the show we've got, we can't reelect Johnson, tho
glory uv the Democracy hez departed indeed.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.

(wich is Postmaster.)

The Great Presidential Excitision. 205

7%c Great Presidential Excursion to the Tomb
of Douglas. — An Account of the Ride of the
Modern yohn Gilpin, who went a Pleasuring
and came Home with nothing but the Necks of
His Bottles : by His Chaplain. — From Wash-
ington to Detroit.

At tee Biddle House ^

(wich is in Detroit, Michigati), ^

September the 4th, 1866. 5

STEP by step I am assendin the ladder uv fame ;
step by step I am climbin to a proud eminence.
Three weeks ago I wuz summoned to Washinton
by that eminently grate and good man, Androo
Johnson, to attend a consultation ez to the proposed
Western tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the
purpose uv arousin the masses uv the West to a
sence uv the danger wich wuz threatnin uv em in
case they persisted in centralizin the power uv the
Government into the hands uv a Congress, instid uv
diffusin it throughout the hands uv one man, wich
is Johnson. I got there too late to take part in the

2o6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

first uv the discussion. When I arrove they hed
everything settled cepting the appintment uv »
Chaplain for the excursion. The President insiste<(
upon my fillin that position, but Seward objected.
He wanted Beecher, but Johnson wuz inflexibh
agin him. " I am determined," sez he, " to ca.rr\
out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beechra
hez done enuff already, considerin the pay he got.
No, no ! he shel be spared this trip ; indeed hn
shel."

"Very good," said Seward; "but at least fin4
some clergyman who endorses ns without hevin
P. M. to his honored name. It wood look better."

" I know it w^ood," replied Johnson ; " but where
kin we find sich a one? I hev swung around thjj
entire circle, and heven't ez yet seen him. Nasby it
must be."

There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the pro-
priety, before the procession started, of removin all
the Federal offis-holders on the proposed route, and
appintin men who beleeved in us (Johnson, Beecher,
and Me), that we might be shoor uv a sootable
recepshun at each pint at wich we wue to stop.
The Annointed wuz in favor uv it. Sez he, " Them
ez won't support my polisy shan't eat my bread and
butter." Kandall and Doolittle chimed in, for if s

-- The Great Presidential Excursion. 207

got to be a part of their religion to assent to what-
ever the President sez, but I mildly protested. I
owe a duty to the party, and I am determined to
doit.

" Most High," sez I, " a settin hen wich is lazy
makes no fuss ; cut its head off, and it flops about,
for a while, lively. Lincoln's office-holders are
settin hens. They don't like yoo nor yoor policy,
but while they are on their nests, they will keep
moderitly quiet. Cut off their heads, and they will
spurt their blood in your face. Ez to bein enshoord
of a reception at each point, you need fear nothin.
Calkerlatin moderately, there are at least twenty-
five or thirty patriots who feel a call for every offis
in your disposal. So long, Yoor Highnis, ez them
offisis is held just where they kin see em, and they
don't know wich is to git em, yoo may depend upon
the entire enthoosiasm uv each, individydoally and
collectively. In short, ef there's 4 ofKses in a town,
and yoo make the appointments, yoo hev sekoored
4 supporters ; till yoo make the appointments yoo
hev the hundred who expect to get em."

The President agreed with me that until after the
trip the gullotine shood stop.

Secretary Seward sejested that a clean shirt wood
improve my personal appearance, and akkcirdingly

io8 SwiNGiN Round the Cieklb

a cirkular wuz sent to the clerks in the Depart-
ments, assassin em for that purpose. Sich uv em ez
refoosed to contribute their quota wuz instantly dis-
missed for disloyalty.

At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up
in a highly conciliatory style. Every wun of the
civilians uv the party wore buzzum pins, at settry,
wich wuz presented to em by the Southern dele-
gates to the Philadelphia Convention, wich wuz
made uv the bones uv Federal soldiers wich hed
fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were partik-
lerly valuable ez anteeks, hevin bin made from the
bones uv the fust soldiers who fell at Bull Run.

The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I
never saw His Imperial Highness in better spirits,
and he delivered his speech to better advantage than
I ever heard him do it before, and I bleeve I've
heard it a hundred times. We left Noo York sadly.
Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that
perceshun, the recollection uv that banquet, lingers
around me, and the taste uv them wines is still in
my mouth. But we hed to go. We hed a mishn
to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat
and started.

Albany. — There wuz a immense crowd, but the
Czair uv all the Amerikas didn't get orf his speech

The Great Presidential Excursion. 209

here. The Governor welcomed him, but he wel-
comed him ez the Cheef Magistrate uv the nashen,
and happened to drop in Lincoln's name. That
struck a chill over the party, and the President got
out uv it ez soon ez possible." Bein reseeved ez
Chief Magistrate, and not ez the great Pacificator,
ain't His Eggslency's best holt. It wuz unkind uv
Governor Fenton to do it. If he takes the papers,
he must know that His Mightiness ain't got but one
speech, and he ought to hev made sich a reception
ez wood hev enabled him to hev got it off. We
shook the dust off uv our feet, and left Albany in
disgust.

Skenactady. — The people uv this delightful]
little village wuz awake when the Imperial train ar-
rived. The changes hadn't bin made in the offices
here, and consekently there wuz a splendid recep-
shun. I didn't suppose there wuz so many patriots
along the Mohawk. I wuz pinted out by sum one
ez the President's private adviser — a sortuv private
Secretary uv State ; and after the train started, I
found jest 211 petitions for the Post Offis in Skenak-
tedy in my side coat pocket, wich the patriots who
bed kurrahed so vocifferously bed dexterously de-
'posited there. The incident wuz a movin one.
" Thank God ! " thought I. " So long ez we hev
H

2IO SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

ths post offices to give, we kin alluz hev a party.
The Sultan swung around the cirkle wunst here,
and leaving the Constooshun in their hands, the
train moved off.

Utica. — The Piresident spoke here with greater
warmth, and jerked more originality than I hed
before observed. He introdoost here the remark
that he didn't come to make a speech ; that he wuz
goin to shed a tear over the tomb uv Douglas ; that,
in swingin around the circle, he hed fought traitors
on all sides uv it, but that he felt safe. He shood
leave the Constooshn in their hands, and ef a martyr
wuz wanted, he wuz ready to die with neetness and
dispatch.

Rome. — Here we hed a splendid recepshun, and
I never heard His Majesty speek more felicitously.
He menshuned to the audience that he hed swung
around the Southern side uv the cirkle, and wuz
now swingin around the Northern side uv it, and
that he wuz fightin traitors on all sides. He left the
Constitooshun in their hands, and bid em good bye.
I received at this pint only 130 petitions for the post
office, wich I took ez a bad omen for the comin
election.

LocKPORT. — The President is improvin wonder-
fi illy. He rises with the occasion. At this pint he

The Great Presidential Excursion. 211

mentioned that he wuz sot on savin the country
wich hed honored him. Ez for himself, his ambishn
wuz more than satisfied. He hed bin Alderman,
Member uv the Legislacher, Congressman, Senator,
Military Governor, Vice-President, and President.
He hed swung around the entire circle uv offises,
and all he wanted now wuz to heal the wounds uv
the nashen. He felt safe in leavin the Constooshn
in their hands. Ez he swung around the cirkle —

At this pint I interrupted him. I told him that
he hed swung around the cirkle wunst in this town,
and ez yooseful ez the phrase wuz, it might spile by
too much yoose.

At Cleveland we begun to get into hot water.
Here is the post to which the devil uv Ablishnism
is chained, and his chain is long enough to let him
rage over neerly the whole State. I am pained to
state that the President wuzn't treated here with the
respeck due his station. He commenst deliverin his
speech, but wuz made the subjeck uv ribald laffture.
Skasely hed he got to the pint uv swingin around
the cirkle, when a foul-mouthed nigger-lover yelled
" Veto ! " and another vocifferated " Noo Orleens ! "
and another remarked " Memphis ! " and one after
another interruption occurred until His Highness
wuz completely turned off the track, and got wild.

212 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

He folgot his speech, and struck out crazy, but the
starch wuz out uv him, and he wuz worsted. Grant,
wich we hed taken along to draw the crowds,
played dirt on us here, and stepped onto a boat for
Detroit, leavin us only Farragut ez a attraction, who
tried twice to git away ditto, but wuz timely pre-
vented. The President recovered his ekanimity,
and swung around the cirkle wunst, and leavin the
Constooshn in their hands, retired.

At the next pint we wuz astounded at seein but
one man at the station. He wuz dressed with a
sash over his shoulder, and wuz wavin a flag with
wun hand, firin a saloot with a revolver with the
other, and playin " Hail to the Chief! " on a mouth
organ, all to wunst.

"Who are you, my gentle friend?" sez I.

" I'm the newly-appinted Postmaster, sir," sez he.
" Fm a perceshun a waitin here to do honor to our
Cheef Magistrate, all alone, sir. There wuz twenty
Johnsonians in this hamlet, sir ; but when the com-
mishn came for me, the other nineteen wuz soured,
and sed they didn't care a d — n for him nor his
policy, sir. Where is the President?"

Androo wuz a goin to swing around the cirkle for
this one man, and leave the Co i^stooshn in his hands,
but Seward checked him.

The Great Presidential Excursion. 213

At Fremont we had a handsome recepshun, foi
the oflBses hevn't bin changed there, but Toledo
didn't do so well. The crowd didn't cheer Androo
much, but when Farragut was trotted out they gave
him a rouser, wich wuz anything but pleasin to the
Cheef Magistrate uv this nashen, who bleeves in
bein respected.

Finally we reeched Detroit. This bein a Demo-
cratic city, the President wuz hisself agin. His
speech here wuz wun uv rare merit. He gathered
together in one quiver all the sparklin arrows he
had used from Washington to this point, and shot
em one by one. He swung around the cirkle ; he
didn't come to make a speech ; he hed bin Alder-
man uv his native town ; he mite hev been Dickta-
ter, but woodent ; and ended witli a poetickal cota-
shun wich I coodent ketch, but wich, ez neer ez I
cood understand, wuz, —

" Kum wun, kum all ; this rock shel fly
From its firm base — in a pig's eye."

Here we repose for the nite. To-morrow we
start onward, and shel continue swingin around the
cirkle till we reach Chicago.

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wicti is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishu.

a 14 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkie.

XXXI.

T'he Presidential Tour Continued. — From Detroit
to Indianapolis,

A

Post Ofpis, Conpedrit x Koabs
(wich is in the Stait ut Kentucky^,
September 11, 1866.

I AM at home, and glad am I that I am at home.
Here in Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, hii-
mersed a part of the time in my offishel dooties, and
the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privi-
lege uv wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable
and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv
Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv
the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain
regrets. I alluz go to bed nites, feeling that the day
hez not bin wasted.

From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez
the infamous Jacobin Radical party irrevelently
term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The
recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through
Michigan were flatterin in tlie extreme. I continue
my diary :

The Presidential Tour Continued. 215

Ipslanty. — At this pint the President displayed
that originality and fertility uv imaginashun karac-
teristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. The
masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly
responded. He asked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot
who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If so, then
after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors
at both ends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with
36 stars onto em in yoor hands, and

The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv " Grant !
Grant ! " to wich the President responded by wavin
his hat.

Ann Arbor. — At this pint the train moved in
to the inspiring sounds uv a band playin " Hale to
the Cheef," and vocifrous cries uv " Grant ! Grant ! "
■ His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for
the demonstration. It was soothin, he remarked.
The air their band wuz playin, " Hail to the Chief,"
wuz appropit, ez he "wuz Chief Magistrate uv the
nashen, to wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin
Alderman uv his native village, U. S. Senator,
etsettry. The crowd hollered " Grant ! Grant ! " and
the President thanked em for the demonstration. It
showed him that the people wuz with him in his
efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and
a flag uv 36 stars onti5 it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he,

2i6 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

wartnin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm
swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on
the one side and JefF Davis on the

The conductor cruelly startid the train, without
givin him time to finish.

The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and
the President waved his hat to em, sayin that ha
thanked em, showing as it did that the people wuz
with him.

Battle Creek. — A large number was assem-
bled here, who, ez the train stopped, yelled " Grant I
Grant ! " Affected to tears by the warmth uv the
reception, the President thanked em for this mark
of confidence. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to the
people's being with him, these doubts wuz removed.
He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union
uv 36 States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef
he wuz a Joodis Iskariot who wuz

The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez
the train moved off, to wich the President responded
by wavin his hat.

Kalamazoo. — The offishels were on hand at
this pint, and so wuz the people — 4 offishels and
several thousand people, which the latter greeted
us with cheers for Grant I Grant 1 The President
responded, sayin, that in swingin around the cirkle,

The Presidentiai. Tour Continxjed. 217

he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv
hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour?
Wuz Thad Stevens ? No ! Then cleerly into yoor
hands I leave the Constitution uv 36 stars with
36 States onto em, intact and undissevered.

The offishels received the stars and States, and
amid cheers for Grant, for which the President
thanked em, the train glode off magestically.

And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off
our speech, though from the manner in wich the
people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at
realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence
wanted to sling the 36 States and the flag with the
stars at em, but ez General Logan wuz there, ready
to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent nol
to do it.

Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House,
in Detroit, the nigger waiters showed how much a
African kin be spiled by bein free. They hed the
impudence to refoose to -wait on us, and for a half
hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This
alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed
His Eggsalency. " Thank God ! " sed he, " that I
vetoed the Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin
Alderman uv my native tovyn — I hev swung
around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed

zi8 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

uv. What would they do if they hed their rites ? "
The insident made an impression onto him, and at
Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He
ordered his meals to his room, and sent for me.
" My friend," sed he, " taste evrything onto this
table."

" Why? my liege," sed I.

" Niggers is cooks," sed he, " and this food may
be pizoned. They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses
bizness. Taste, my friend."

" But spozn," sed I, " that it shood be pizoned?
Wat uv my bowels? My stomick is uv ez much
valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo."

" Nasby," sez he, " taste ! Ef yoo die, who
mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing around the cirkle?
Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people,
and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands?
The country demands the sacrifice ; and besides, ef
yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head."

That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk
that offis I'd chaw striknine, for uv what akkount
is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the sweets
uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I
wuz forced to taste his food and likker — to act
ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance
uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish

The Presidential Toxm Continued. 219

and drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up
and bust in 15 minits His serene Highness wood
take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoom
my diary:

JoLiET. — The crowd wuz immense. The peas-
antry, ez the train approached, rent the air with
shouts uv " Grant ! " " Grant ! " His Potency, the
President, promptly acknowledged the compliment.
He was sacrificin hisself for them — who hed made
greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman uv his
native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too
modest to make a speech ; but ef he wuz Joodas
Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour ? He hed swung
around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far.
He left in their hands the

And so on, until near St. Louis, when we pene-
trated a Democratic country, uv wich I informed his
Majesty. " How knowest thou ? " sez he. " Easy,"
sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large propor
tion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I
notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front
ov em ; and what is more, I observe that crowds
compliment yoo direct, instead of doin it, ez here-
tofore, over Grant's shoulders. The Knights uv the
Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle
yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and
approach yoo confidently."

220 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

The President brisked up, and from this to Indian-
apolis he spoke with a flooidity I never observed in
him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle "term,
that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter
city our reception was the most flatrin uv eny we
have experienced. The people, when the Presi-
dent appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House,
yelled so vociferously for Grant, that the President,
when he stepped forward to acknowledge the
compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved
his hat; and the more he waved it the more
complimentary the crowd became. " Grant! "
" Grant ! " they yelled ; and the more the Presi-
dent showed himself the more they yelled Grant,
until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun,
and unwillin to expose his health, the President
retired without slingin a speech at em, but entirely
satisfied that the people wuz with him.

The next mornin the ofEce-holders uv the State,
without the people, assembled, and he made his
regler speech to em, wich appeared to be gratifyin
to both him and them. The President does not like
to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental
stumick. It gives him the nitemare.

Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite
go home and attend to my official dooties. There is

The Presidential Tour Continued. 221

five Northern families near the Corners wich must
hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I
hed orders to report to the party somewhere between
Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall do, ez,
travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster,)

and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.

222 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

XXXII.

The End of the Presidential Tour. — From
LluisviUe to Washington.

■Whiib Hottse, ■Washington, D C, >
September, 12, '66. >

IREJINED the Presidenshel party at Looisville,
and glad I am that I did it at that pint. His
Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left
Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for
two-thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis
wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz
trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out
uv the region uv aristocrats, and hed come down
to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed holes thro the
hats uv men ; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv
Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they
genrally either had no coats at all, or if any, they
were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen
who disdained stockins and dipped snuff", and I felt
to home. I wuz among Democracy. The cheerin

The End of the Presidential Tour. 223

for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into them
regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em,
the younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while
the old veterans, them whose noses wuz blossomin
for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His
Serenity smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a
speech to em, and wavin his hat.

With these preliminary remarks I resoom my
diary : —

Louisville. — There wuz a magnificent demon-
stration here. His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a
eggslent condition to make crowds large enough,
remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the
streets : " 'Splen 'splay ! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand
people — mor'n ten million people — mor'n ten
'unerd million people — mor'n ten 'unerd sousand
million people — and alluvum 'sporters my policy.
' Rah for me ! "

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards
the last ; but it is safe to put the throng down at a
good many. That estimate is entirely safe. There
wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev
seen since we startid. The red white and red wuz
displayed from almost half the houses, ladies waved
their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered.
A pleasin incide it occurd here. I noticed one gushin

424 SwiNGIN ROXWD THE ClRKI^.

maiden uv thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez
tho she was gettin so much per wave, and had rent
to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When
I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the
service uv the United States, and clothed in a bob-
tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into
my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin- my
brethren, oui regiment passed thro Looisville and
stayed there fcome days. I wuz walkin one after-
noon, when I met this identical angel. She saw
my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with
sich energy that she threw out uv her mouth a full
sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped
my face witii my handkercher, and vowed that hand-
kercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz ;
and when I seed her wravin hern at our party, I
wept like a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped
the carriage, met the patriotic female, called her
attention to the incident, and handed her my hand-
kercher which hed, four years before, wiped her
spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms,
and from that time she waved two handkerchers,
and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident
to the President, and he wept

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety
of banners. Among the most noticeable, wuz a

The End of the Preshjential Tour. 325

company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a
leg ofF, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they
hed been mustered out, with this motto : " We are
willin to go tlae other leg for A. Jonson." An-
other company uv solgers, who hed each lost an
arm, carried this inscription : " What we didn't get
by bullets, we shel get by ballots."

The President cut down his speech jest one half
here. In swingin around the cirkle he omitted to
menshen that he found traitors on the Southern side
uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands
cheerfully.

Cincinnati. — A very enthoosiastic recepshen —
continyood and loud cheers for Grant, wich the
President acknowledged. A unsophisticated Post-
master, who jined us here, wanted to know why
the people cheered for Grant instid uv the Presi-
dent, to which His Highness answered that they
wuz considrit — they knew his modesty, and want-
ed to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz
also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef
he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speech-
es, and that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give
a greater variety. His Eggslency asked him how
there cood be more variety. " At Cincinnati," sed
he, " I observed the followin order : —
15

226 SwiNGIN ROXJND THE ClKKLE.

1. I swung around the cirkle.

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodia
Iskariot ?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the
nag with 36 stars onto it, in their hands.

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly :

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis.

3. Swingin around the cirkle.
At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows :

1. Joodis Iskariot.

2. Swingin around the cirkle.

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I
thot uv that when I writ that speech, and divided it
up into sections on purpose."

Johnstown, Pa. — A bridge fell down, onto
wich wuz 400 voters, killin a dozen uv em. His
Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident,
at bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his sup-
porters on the bridge. He considered it a speshl
Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark,
and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz
killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun
for the purpose.

Mifflin, Pa. — A enthoosiastic indivijjle who

The End of the Presu)ential Tour. 227

wants the Post Office at this place very much, fell
on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him ez
the " Preserver uv the Union." The President
thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left
in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the
appintment he desired.

Baltimore. — There wuz a spontaneous recep-
shun here, wich wuz gratifying to us. The per-
ceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive.
One division wuz headed by the identikle indivij-
ooel who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts
men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv Presi-
dent Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered
from, a Injeany regiment at the first Bull Run, at
wich the President wept. " Things is becomin
normal," sed he, " when the people will stand that.
Wat love ! — wat unity ! The flags uv both sec-
shuns, wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin
in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheeiin me."

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung
entirely round the cirkle, and found traitors North
and South. The demonstrashen to greet the Presi-
dent on his arrival was immense. The clerks in
all the departments wuz out (at least them ez
wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz
all taken), the solgei-s on dut/ wuz ordered out, and

228 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

altogether it wuz the most spontaneous exhibition
I ever witnest. The Mayor made a speech. The
President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz
the Saviour — told him he had swung around the
entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv
it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and
Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv
them in the North ; but be this ez it may, he left
the Constooshn, and the 36 States, and the flag
with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin
Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman,
and United States Senator, and Vice-President, and
President, wich latter circumstance he considered,
forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le.
He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do his dooty
agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided
friends South.

And so ended the Presidential excursion.

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),

and likewise Chaplin to the expedisbn.

P. S. I forgot to menshun thab at Chicago we
laid the corner-stone uv a monument to DouglaSi
The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory.

P. V. N.

At HbME Again. 229

XXXIII.

At Home again. — A detailed Account of Soul-
harrowing Outrages inflicted upon the People
of Confederate X Roads by a Party of Freed-
men, and how the Insult was wiped out.

Post Orpis, CoNPEDBiT.x Roads J

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

September 16, 1866. J

I FOUND my flock in a terrible state uv depres-
sion, at which, when I wuz told the cause, I
didn't wonder at. There wuz,, back of the Corners
on the side hill, over towards Garrettstown, about
three quarters uv a mile this side of Abbott's grocery
(we estimate distance here from one grocery to
another), five or six families uv niggers. The males
of this settlement had all been in liie Federal army
ez soljers, and hed saved their pay, and bounty, and
sich, and hed bought uv a disgustid Confederate,
who proposed to find in Mexico that freedom which
was denied him here, and who, bein determined to
leave the country, didn't care who he sold his plan-

230 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

tashen to, so ez he got greenbax, three hundred
acres, wicb they hed divided up, and built cabins
onto em, and wuz a cultivatin it. There wuz a
store-keeper at the Corners who come here from
Illinoy, and who hed been so greedy uv gain and so
graspin ez to buy their prodoose uv em, and sell em
sich supplies ez they needed. These accursed sons
and daughters of Ham was a livin there in comfort.
The thing was a gittin unendoorable. They come
to the Corners dressed in clothes without patches,
and white shirts, and hats on ; and the females in
dresses, and hoops under em ; in short, these apes
hed assoomed so much uv the style uv people that
ef it hadn't bin for their black faces, they wood have
passed for folks.

Our people become indignant, and ez soon ez I
returned, I was requested to call a meetin to con-
sider the matter, which I uv course did.

The horn wuz tootid, and the entire Corners wuz
assembled, eggscepting the Illinoy store-keeper, who
didn't attend to us much. I stated briefly and elo-
kently (I hev improved in public speakin sense I
heered His Serene Highness, Androo the I., all the
way from Washinton to Looisville), and asked the
brethren tc ease their minds.

Squire Gavitt hed observed the progress uv them

At Home Again.

231

niggers with the most profoundest alarm. He had
noticed em comin to the Corners, dressed better noi
his family dressed, and sellin the produx uv theii
land to that vretch —

At this point thfe Illinoy store-keeper come in, and
the Squire proceeded.

— he shood say Mr. Pollock, and he hed made
inquiries, and found that one family hed sold three
hundred and seventy-five dollars worth uv truck, this
season, uv which they hed laid out for clothes and
books two hundred dollars, leavin em one hundred
and seventy-five dollars in cash, which was more
money than he hed made sense the accursed Linkin
passed the emancipashen proclamation. And what
hed driv the iron into his soul wuz the fact that
wun of them niggers wuz his nigger. " The money
they hev," pursood the Squire, " is my money ; that
man worth $1500 is my man ; his wife is my woman ;
her children my children — "

"Thafs a literal fact!" shouted Joe Bigler, a
drunken, returned Confederate sojer ; " they hev
yoor nose eggsactly, and they're the meanest yaller
brats in the settlement."

This unhappy remark endid in a slite unpleasant-
ness, \iich resultid in the Squire's bein carried out,
minus one ear, and his nose smashed. Joseph

232 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

remarked that he'd wantid to git at him ever sense
he woodn't lend hire a half dollar two months ago.
He was now satisfied, and hoped this little episode
■woodn't mar the harmony uv the meetin.

Elder Smathers observed that he hed noticed
with pain that them niggers alluz hed money, and
wuz alluz dresst ■well, while we, their sooperiors,
bed no money, and nothin to boast uv in the way uv
close. He wood say —

Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, put in. Ef the
Elder wood work ez them niggers wuz workin, and
not loaf over half the time at Bascom's grocery, he
mite possibly hev a hull soot uv close, and now and
then a dollar in money. It wuz here, ez it wuz in
all strikly Dimekratic communities, the grocery
keepers absorb all the floatin capital, and —

He wuz not allowed to proceed. Bascom flung
a chair at him, and four or five uv his constitooents
fell on him. He wuz carried out for dead. Bascom
remarked that he wuz for the utmost freedom iiv
speech, but in the discussion uv a grate Constooshnel
question, no Illinoy Ablishnist shood put in his
yawp. The patriotic remark wuz cheered, but
when Bascom ask't the whole meetin out to drink,
the applause wuz uproarious. Bascom alluz gets
applause ; he knows how to move an audience.

At Home Again. 233

Deekin Pogram sed he'd bore with them niggers
till his patience wuz gin out. He endoored it till
last vSunday After service he felt pensive, ruther,
and walked out towards Garrettstown, meditatin, as
lie went, on the sermon he hed listened to that
nornin on the necessity uv the spread of the Gospil.
Mournin in sperit over the condition of the heathen,
he didn'tnotis where he wuz till he found hisself in
the nigger settlement, and in front uv one uv their
houses. There he saw a site wich paralyzed him.
There wuz a nigger, wich wuz wunst. his nigger,
wich Linkin deprived him uv, settin under his
porch, and a profanin the Holy Bible by teachin his
child to read it ! " Kin this be endoored ? " the
Deekin asked.

Deekin Parkins sed he must bear his unworthy
testimony agin these disturbers. They hed — he
knowd whereof he spoke — hired a female woman
from Massachusetts to teach their children ! He
hed bin in their skool-room, and with his own eyes
witnest it.

Bascom, the grocery keeper, hed bin shocked
at their conduct. He wuz convinct that a nig-
ger wuz a beast. They come to the Corners to
sell the produx of their lands ; do they leave their
money at his bar? Nary I They spend sum uv it

334 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

at the store uv a disorganizer from lUinoy, who is
here interferin with the biznis uv troo Southern
men, but he had never seed one uv em inside his
door. He bed no pashence with em, and believed
suthin shood be done to rid the community uv sich
yooseless inhabitance. Ef they ever git votes they'r
agin us. No man who dodges my bar ever votes
straight Dimocrisy.

Ginral Punt moved that this meetin do to wunst
proceed to the settlement, and clean em out. They
wuz a reproach to Kentucky. Of course, ez they
were heathens and savages, sich goods ez they hed
wood fall to the righteous, uv whom w£ wuz which,
and he insisted upon a fair divide. All he wanted
wuz a bureau and a set uv chairs he hed seen.

The motion wuz amendid to inclood Pollock, the
Illinoy store-keeper, and it wuz to wunst acted
upon.

Pollock wuz reconstructed first. Filled with zeal
for the right, his door wuz bustid in, and in a jiffy
the goods wich he wuz a contaminatin our people
with wuz distributed among the people, each takin
sich ez sooted em. Wun man sejested that ez they
wuz made by Yankees, and brought south by Yan-
kees, that there wuz contaminashen in the touch uv
em, and that tliey be burned, but he wuz hooted

At Home Again. 235

down, our people seein a distinction. »The contam-
inashen wuz in pay in for em ; gittin em gratooitusly
took the cuss off.

Elated, the crowd started for the settlement. 1
never saw more zeal manifested. A half hour
brought us there, and then a scene ensood wich
filled me with joy onspeekable. The niggers wuz
routed out, and their goods wuz bundled after em.
The Bibles and skool books wuz destroyed fii'st, coz
we hed no use for them ; their chairs, tables, and
bureaus, clothln and beddin, wuz distributed. A
wooman hed the impudence to beg for suthin she
fancied, when tbe righteous zeal uv my next door
neighbor, Pettus, biled over, and he struck her.
Her husband, forgettin his color, sti-uck Pettus, and
the outrage wuz completed. A nigger hed raised
his hand agin a -white man !

The insulted Caucashen blood riz, and in less
than a minit the bodies uv six male Ethiopians wuz
a danglin in the air, and the bodies uv six Ethiopian
wimin wuz layin prostrate on the earth. The chil-
dren wuz spared, for they wuz still young, and not
hevin bin taught to read so far that they could not
forgit it, ef kept carefully from books, they kin be
brought up in their proper speer, ez servance to their
biethern. (By the way, the inspired writer must

236 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

hev yoosed this word " brethern," in this connection,
figeratively. The nigger, bein a beast, cannot be
our brother.) Some may censure us for too much
zeal in this matter, but what else cood we hev dun ?
We are high toned, and can't stand everything.
These niggers hed no rite to irritate us by their
presence. They knowd our feelins on the subjick,
and by buyin land and remainin in the visinity, they
kindled the flame wich resulted ez it did. Ez they
did in Memphis and Noo Orleans, they brought
their fate onto their own heads.

Pollock recovered, and with the Yankee school
niarm who wuz a teechin the niggers, left for the
North yesterday. It speeks well for the forbearance
uv our people that they wuz permitted to depart
at all.

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.,
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplin to the czpedishn.

The Cleveland Convention. 237

3cxxrv.

Is requested to act as Chaplain of the Cleveland
Convention. — That Beautiful City visited for
that Purpose.

Post Ofpis, Confedrit x Koads ^

(wioh is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

September 20, 1866. i

IWUZ sent for to come to Washington, from my
comfortable quarters at the Post OfEs, to attend
the convenshun uv sich soldiers and sailors uv the
United States ez bleeve in a Union uv 36 States,
and who hev sworn allejinse to a flag with 36 stars
onto it, at Cleveland. My esteemed and life-long
friend and co-laborer, Rev. Henry Ward Beech-
ER, wuz to hev bin the chaplin uv the convenshun,
but he failed us, and it wuz decided in a Cabinet
meetin that I shood take his place. I didn't see the
necessity uv hevin a chaplin at every little conven-
shun uv our party, and so stated ; but Seward re-
marked, with a groan, that ef ever there wuz a
party, since parties wuz invented, wich needed

238 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

prayin for, ours wuz that party. " And, Parson,"
sed he, glancin at a list uv delegates, " ef yoo hev
any agonizin petitions, any prayers uv extra fer-
vency, offer em up for these fellers. Ef there is
any efficacy in prayer, it's my honest, unbiased
opinion that there never wuz in the history uv tlie
world, nor never will be agin, sich a magnificent
chance to make it manifest. Try yoorself particu-
larly on Custer ; tho', after all," continyood he, in a
musiii, abstracted sort uv a -way, wich he's fallen
into lately, " the fellow is sich a triflin beiri, that he
reely kin hardly be held 'sponsible for what he's
doin ; and the balance uv em, good Hevens ! they'i
mostly druv to it by hunger." And the Secretary
maundered on suthin about "sixty days" and
"ninety days," paying no more attention to the
rest uv us than ez ef we wuzn't there at all.

So, receevin transportashen and suffishent money
from the secret service fund for expenses, I departed
for Cleveland, and after a tejus trip thro' an Ab-
lishn country, I arrived there. My thots were
gloomy beyond expression. I hed recently gone
through this same country ez chaplin to the Pres-
idential tour, and every stashen hed its pecooliar
onpleasant remembrances. Here wuz where the
cheers for Grant were vociferous, with nary a snort

The Cleveland Convention. 239

for His Eggslency ; there wuz where the peasantry
laft in his face when he went thro' with the regler
ritooal uv presentin the constitooshn and the flag
with 36 stars onto it to a deestrick assessor ; there
wuz — but why recount my sufierins ? Why harrow
up the public bosom, or lasserate the public mind ?
Suffice to say, I endoored it ; suffice to say that I
hed strength left to ride up Bank street, in Cleve-
land, the seen uv the most awful insult the Eggsec-
utive ever receeved.

The evenin I arrived, the delegates, sich ez wuz
on hand, held a informal tneetin to arrange matters
so ez they wood work smooth when the crowd
finally got together, Genral Wool wuz ez gay and
frisky ez though he reely belonged to the last giner-
ashn. There wuz Custar, uv Michigan, with his
hair freshly oiled and curled, and busslin about ez
though he hed cheated hisself into the beleef tliat
he reely amounted to suthin ; and there wuz seventy-
eight other men, who hed distinguished theirselvea
in the late war, but who hed never got their deserts,
ceptin by brevet, owin to the fact that the Adminis-
trashn wuz Ablishn, which they wuzn't. They were,
in a pekuniary pint uv view, suthin the worse for
wear, tho' why that shood hev bin the case I coodent
see (they hevin bin, to an alarmin extent, quarter-

240 SwiNGiN Round the Cirele.

masters and commissaries, and in the recrootin ser-
vice), til I notist the prevailin color uv their noses,
and heerd one uv em ask his neighbor ef Cleveland^
«vuz blest with a fa.ro bank ! Then I knowd all
about it.

There wuz another pekooliarity about it which
for a time amoozed me. Them ez wuz present
wuz divided into 2 classes — 'those ez hed bin re-
cently appinted to ppsishens, and them ez expected
to be shortly. I notist on the countenances uv the
first class a look uv releef, sich ez I hev seen in fac-
tories Saturday nite, after the hands wuz paid oS
for a hard week's work ; and on the other class the
most wolfish, hungry, fierce" expression I hev ever
witnessed. Likewise, I notist that the latter set
uv patriots talked more hefty uv the necessity uv
sustainin the policy uv our firm and noble President,
and damned the Ablishunists with more emphasis
and fervency than the others.

One enthoosiastic individual, who hed bin quar-
termaster two years, and hed bin allowed to resign
"jest after the battle, mother," wich, hevin his pa-
pers all destroyed, made settlin with the government
a easy matter, wuz so feroshus that I felt called
upon to check him. " Gently, my frend," sed I,
"gently! I hev bin thro' this thing; I hev my

The Cleveland Convention. 241

commission. It broke out on me jest ez it hez on
yoo ; but yoo won't git yoor Assessorship a minit
sooner for it."

" It ain't a Assessorship I want," sez he. " I hev
devoted myself to the task uv bindin up the wounds
uv m}- beloved country "

" Did you stop anybody very much from inflictin
them sed wounds ? " murmured I.

" An ef I accept the Post Orfis in my native vil-
lage, — which I hev bin solissited so strongly to take
that I hev finally yielded,, — I do it only that I may
devote my few remainin energies wholly to the great
cause uv restorin the 36 States to their normal po-
sishens under the flag with 36 stars onto it, in spite
uv the Joodis Iskariots wich, ef I am whom, wat is
the Saviour, and — and where is "

Perseevin that the unfortunate man hed got into
the middle uv a quotashen from the speech uv our
noble and patriotic President, and knowin his intel-
lek wuzn't hefty enough to git it off jist as it wuz
originally delivered, I took him by the throat, and
shet off the flood uv his elokence.

" Be quiet, yoo idiot ! " remarked I, soothingly,
to him. " Yoo'll git your apintment, becoz, for the
fust time in the history uv this or any other Repub-
16

242 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

lie, there's a market for jist sich men ez yoo ; but all
this blatlier won't fetch it a minit sooner."

" Good Lord ! " tho't I, ez I turned away, " wat a
President A. J. is, to hev to buy up sich cattle I
Wat a postmaster he must be, whose gineral cua-
sedness turns my stummick ! "

It wuz deemed necessary to see uv wat we wuz

compozed ; whereupon Kei-nel K , who is now

Collector uv Revenue in lUinoy, asked ef there wuz
ary man in the room who hed bin a prizner doorin
the late fratricidle struggle. A gentleman uv, per-
haps, thirty aroze, and sed he wuz. He hed bin
taken three times, and wuz, altogether, 18 months
in doorance vile in three diffrent prizns.

Custar fell on his neck, and asked him, aggitatid-
ly, ef he wuz sljoor — quite shoor, after sufTerin all
that, that he supported the policy of the President?
Are you quite shoor — quite shoor?

" I am," returned the phenomenon. " I stand by
Andrew Johnson and his policy, and I don't want
no office ! ! "

" Hev yoo got.wun?" shouted they all in korus.

"Nary!" sed he. "With me it is a matter uv
principle ! "

" Wat prizns wuz yoo incarcerated in?" asked I|
lookin at him with wonder.

The Cleveland Convention. 243

" Fust at Camp Morton, then at Camp Douglas,
and finally at Johnson's Island ! "

Custar dropt him, and the rest remarked that,
while they hed a very helthy opinion uv him, they
guessed he'd better not menshen his presence, or
consider hisself a delegate. Ez ginerous foes they
loved him ruther better than a brother ; yet, as the
call didn't quite inclood him, tho' there wuz a de-
lightful oneness between em, yet, ef 'twuz all the
same, he hed better not announce hisself. He wuz
from Kentucky, I afterwards ascertained.

The next mornin, suthin over two hundred more
arriv ; and the delegashens bein all in, it wuz de-
cided to go on with the show. A big tent hed bin
brought on from Boston to accommodate the ex-
pected crowd, and quite an animated discussion
arose ez to wich corner uv it the Convenshun wuz
to ockepy. This setded, the biznis wuz begun.
Genral Wool wuz made temporary Chairman, to
wich honor he responded in a elokent extempora-
neous speech, which he read from manuscript.
General Ewing made another extemporaneous ad-
dress, which he read from manuscript, and we
adjourned for dinner.

The dinner hour was spent in caucussin privately
in one uv the pallors uv the hotel. The Chairman

244 SwiNGIN RotnSTD THE CiRKLE.

a sked who shood make speeches after dinner, wen
every man uv em pulled from his right side coat
pocket a roll uv manuscript, and sed he hed dotted
down a few ijees wich he hed conclooded to present
extemporaneously to the Convenshun. That Babel
over, the Chairman sed he presoomed some one
shood be selected to prepare a address ; whereupon
every delegate rose, and pulled a roll uv manuscript
from his left side coat pocket, and sed he hed dotted
down a few ijees on the sitiiashn, wich he proposed
to present, et settry. This occasioned another
shindy ; wen the Chairman remarked " Resolu-
shens," wen every delegate rose, pulled a roll uv
manuscript from his right breast coat pocket, and
sed he hed jotted down a few ijees, wich, &c.

I stood it until some one mentioned me ez Chap-
lin to the expedition West, when the pressure becum
unendurable. They sposed I was keep>er uv the
President's conscience, and I hed not a minit's
peece after that. In vain I ashoored em that, there
bein no conscieYices about the White House, no
one could hold sich a offis ; in vain I ashoored em
that I hed no influence with His Majesty. Two
thirds uv em pulled applicashens for places they
wanted from the left breast coat pocket, and insistid
on my takin em, and seein that they was appinted.

The Cleveland Convention. 245

I told em that I cood do nuthin for em ; but they
laft me to skorn. " You are jist the style uv man,"
said thej, " who hez inflooence with His Eggslency,
and yoo must do it." Hemmed in, there wuz but
one way uv escape, and that way I took. Seezin a
carpet sack, wich, by the way, belonged to a dele-
gate (I took it to give myself the look of a traveler),
I rushed to the depot, and startid home, entirely sat-
isfied that ef Cleveland may be taken as a sample,
the less His Majesty depends on soljers, tlie better.
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise late Chaplin to the espedishn.

P. S. I opened the carpet sack on the train,
spectin to find a clean shirt in it, at least. It con-
tained, to my disgust, an address to be read before
the Cleveland Convention, a set uv resolutions, a
speech, and a petition uv the proprietor thereof for a
coUectorship, signed by eight hundred names, and a
copy uv the Indiana State Directory for 1864. The
names wuz in one hand-writin, and wuz arranged
alphabetically.

246 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

XXXV.

Ait Appeal to the People just before the Octobef
Elections.

PoaT OpFia, Confedb.it x Eoads j

(wlch is in the Stait ut Kentucky), s

October 1, 1866. )

PRESIDENT JOHNSON, who hez bin likened
to Androo Jaxon, and wich, since my appint-
ment I conseed him to be, in many partikelers, his
sooperior, requested me and WilHam H. Seward
(his secretary and chaplin) to draw up- and pubhsh
to the Democracy of the various States holdin elec-
shuns this fall an address, or ruther an appeal,
firmly beleevin that hed he extendid his tour to
Maine, and isshood an address to em, that that state
wood not hev gone ez it did. William refoozed to
take part in the appeal, sayin that it warnt uv no
use, and so the dooty devolved upon me.

Democrats and Consektatives uv the North :
\ Appresheatin the gravity uv the isshoo, I ad-
dress yoo. The signs uv the times is ominus.

An Appeal to the People. 247

A Radikle Congress, electid durin the time when
the Southin States, wich comprises reely all the
intellek uv this people, didn't take no part in the
elekshen, bein too bizzy gettin out uv Sherman's
way to open polls, — a Congress, I repeat, in wich
there ain't no Southern man, and wich consekently
kant, by any stretch uv the hooman imaginashen, be
considered Constitooshnel, hez dared to thwart the
President uv the United States, and set up its will
agin hisn ! I need skarcely recount its high-handed
acts uv i.surpashen. It passed a bill givin rites to
niggers, wich, accordin to Scripter (see Onesimus,
Ham, and Hagar, the only three texts in Scripter
uv any partikeler account) and the yoosages uv the
Deniocrisy, ain't got no rites ; and the President,
exercisin the high prerogatives put into his hands
by the Constitooshen, vetoed it Here the matter
should hev endid. He hed expressed, in a manner
strikly Constitooshenel, his objecshens to the meas-
ure ; and a proper regard for his feelins, and just
deference for his opinions, ought to hev indicated
the right course. Here wuz peace offered this Con-
gres. Here wuz the tender uv a olive branch. The
President didn't want a quarrel with Congres; he
didn't desire a continyooance uv the agitation wich
hed shook the country like a Illinois ager ; but he

248 SwiNGIN RotTND THE CiRKLE.

desired Peece. Congres cood hev hed it hed they
only withdraw ed their crood noshens uv what wus
rite and what wuz wrong; ratified, ez they shood
hev done, sich laws ez the President saw fit to
make : in short, hed they follered the correct rool
when we hev a Demokratic President, and put the
Government in his hands, with an abidin trust in
his rectitood and wisd9m, we mite hev avoided this
struggle, and thus wood hev bin peaceful. But this
reckless Congris, bent upon consentrating power in
its hands instid uv dividin it between him and Sew-
ard, passed the bill over his head, regardlis uv his
feelins ! The responsibility for the dissension rests,
therefore, with Congres.

But these questions are altogether too hefty for
the Demokratic intellek, and I fling em out for the
considerashen uv the few Post Masters we get from
the Union ranks. To the Dimocrisy I address my-
self more partickerlerly.

Do YOU WANT TO MarRY A NiGGER? This

ishoo is agin before yoo. Are you in favor uv ele-
vatin the Afrikin to a posishen where he kin be yoor
ekal, or perhaps yoor sooperior? That ishoo is
agin before yoo for yoor decision, only the danger
to yoo is increased. The matter has become threat-
ening ; fo :, disgise it ez we may, thousands uv em

An Appeal, to the People. 249

kin read, and they are akkumulatin property, and
wearin good clothes to a extent trooly alarmin to
the Dimokratic mind. We hev alluz consoled our-
selves with the soothin reflection that there wuz a
race lower down in the scale uv humanity than us
uns. Shall we continue to enjoy that comfort?
That's the question for every Dimokrat to consider
when he votes this fall. Remove the weight uv
legal disability, and ten to one ef they don't outstrip
us even, and then where are we goin to look for a
race to look dv^wn upon ? It's a close thing atween
us now ; and ez we uv this generation can't elevate
ourselves, why, for our own peece uv minJ^ we
must, — I repeet it, — must pull them down.

Agin then I repeet, Do you want to Marry
A Nigger? Yoor daughters wunst carried banners
onto wich wuz inskribed that trooly Dimokratic
motto, " White husbands or none ! " and in conse-
quence they've bin mostly livin in the enjoyment uv
none. Are they to go back on that holy determi-
nashen to preserve the Anglo Sackson race on this
continent in its purity? Do yoo want the nigger —
the big buck nigger — the flat-footed nigger — the
woolly-headed nigger — the long-heeled nigger —
the bow-legged nigger — the Nigger — to step up
aside uv yc o, and exercise the prerogatives uv free-

350 SwiNGIN ROXJND THE CiRKLE.

men in this country? Do you want the nigget
aforesed to be mayors uv your towns, with all the
Iiatred they hev towards us? Wat chance, O Dim-
okratic dweller in cities ! think yoo yoo'd hev if
hauled up afore a nigger mayor on a charge uv dis-
orderly conduct? Wat chance wood yoor children
hev in a skool uv wich all the teechers wuz niggers ?
Wat chance wood yoo hev wen arrestid for small
misdemeanors, afore nigger judges?

How, let me ask, in the name of High Heaven,
wood yoo like to be tried for hoss stealin afore a
nigger jury?

" But," say some uv yoo, who, set ravin by drums,
and flags, and sich, went off violently into the war,
and wuz, perhaps, saved from starvin by niggers,
" these niggers wuz our friends in the late war —
they fought agin the South ! "

O, wat a deloosion ! O, wat blindnis ! Troa^
they did ; and that shows the danger that's afore
us ; that lifts the fog from the precipise onto wich
we are standin, and shows us our danger. Wat
does this fact prove? It proves the onreasonable-
ness uv the Nigger — his discontentednis with the
posishen to wich nacher assigned him, and his cus-
sid disposition to upset the normal condition. The
Bible ra ikes him a servant unto his brethren (see

An Appeal to the People. 251

Ham, Hagar, and Onesimus, tliree blessed texts).
Science proves him to be, not a man, but a beast ;
and so, take him ez we may, either ez our brother
or ez a beast, — and Dimocrisy, with that liberality
wich hez always distinguished it, gives every man
his choice wich theory to take, — his condition is
servitood. But he, with a cussidness, jt perversity
wich I never cood understand, flies into the face uv
the Divine decree, flies into the face uv science, and
asserts his independence ! He turned agin them ez
bed fostered him ; turned agin, in many instances,
his own parents (in these instances, for convenience,
the parents adopted the brethren theory), and for
an abstract idea fought agin em. That restlessnes<5
under bonds alarmed the Dimocratic mind. We
who owned em under the Skripter (see Onesimus,
Hagar, and Ham), and under the eternal laws uv
scientific trooth wuz content with the arrangement,
and why shood they not hev bin? Things wuz
normal. They worked, and we eat ; and ef they
hed bin content with this ekitable division uv the
labor uv life, all wood hev bin smooth to-day.

Their takin part agin us at the South, and in
favor uv the Federals, is, instead uv a coz uv feelin
good toward em, a source uv oneasiness ; instid uv
bein a reason for elevatin uv em, it's my principal

252 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

reason for depressin uv em. Sich onsettled minds
shood be quieted ; this itchin to raise theirselves
shood be crushed out uv em, that Science and Holy
Writ (see Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham) may be
vindicated.

Shel we desert Androo Johnson, after all the
trouble he- hez bin to in gettin back to us? Shtel
we elect a Congres this fall so soaked in Ablishin —
so filled with objeckshuns to our Southern brethren,
ez to refooze to receive em back into the seats which
they vacated ? Consider ! The Southern Dimok-
racy hevn't, and don't, lay up nothin agin -yoo.
They are willin to forgive and forget. They failed,
but they are willin to forgiv the cause uv the fail-
yoor. They hevn't got the government they want-
ed, but they find no fault with that, but are willin to
take charge of the wun they hev bin compelled to
live under. Kin they offer fairer ? The fate uv war
wuz agin em. Buryin all hard feelins, they extend
to us Chrischen charily, and say. Here we are —
take us — give us our old places. They hev bin
chastened. Their household gods hev bin de-
stroyed, and their temples torn down. Wun_neighi
bor uv mine lost two sons in the Confedrit army ; an-
other son, which he hed refoosed $1500 for in i860,
he wuz comoelled to shoot, coz he wuz bound to

An Appeal to the People. 253

run away into the Federal army ; and two octo-
roons, which he hed a dozen times refoosed $2500
for, each, in Noo Orleans, he saw layin dead on
the steps uv a skool house in Memphis. Hez he
Suffered nothin? And yet he is willin to take a seat
in Congress — forgettin all he hez suffered, and for-
givin the cause thereof. What wickedness it is
wich would further bruise sich a broken reed !

Therefore, ez yoo love yourselves and hate the
nigger, I implore yoo to act. Take yoor choice uv
the platforms uv the different States — vote ez a
Johnson Unionist, or ez a Democratic Johnsonian
— but vote.

Kentucky holds out her hands appealingly ! Ken-
tucky implores yoo to bild up a bulwark North uv
the Ohio River to save what little is left uv pure
Dimocracy there ! Kentucky will back yoo in yoor
endeavors. Will you heed her cry ? Shel she ap-
peel in vain ? Forbid it, Hevin !

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).

254 SVVINGIN ROXJND THE CiRKLE.

XXXVl.

TJie Octoler Elections. — The Effect the Result
f reduced in Kentucky.

CoNPEDKiT X Roads ^

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

October 14, 1866. )

THERE is mournin in Kentucky. The results
of the elections in Ohio, Injeany, Pennsyl-
vany, and Iowa reached me yesterday through a
Looisville paper, wich wuz dropped off the cars at
Secessionville, wich is the nearest station to us, and
wich, I hapnin to be there, I picked up.

Ohio — 40,000 Ablishin !

Injeany — 20,000 Ablishin !

Pennsylvany — 20,000 Ablishin !

Iowa — 30,000 Ablishin !

Ablishin ! Wat a dreery waste uv Ablishin !
Not a single oasis uv Dimocrisy anywhere, — nary
Aryrat on wich our ark kin rest in safety, — but all
around us the mad waves viv Ablishnism rearin their
crestid heads muchly.

The October Elections. 255

I felt it my dooty to make this fact known to my
neighbors ; for, sposin that His Serene Highness'
trip wood secure us enuff deestricts to make the
next Congress safe, and consekently make us certin
uv admission, they hed been makin arrangements
for restorin tilings to their normal condishun, ez
they were before the war.

In fact, two weeks before, in view of the expected
success uv the Democracy, a meetin hed bin held on
the subject. Some wuz for at once seezin the nig-
gers wherever they cood be found, and puttin em at
work ; but the conservatives overruled this. They
held that slavery hed bin abolished, and that it
ought not be restored ; in fact, that, to act in good
faith, it cood not be reestablished. Degkin Pogram
announced a plan. The town authorities shood
pass a ordinance for the proper government uv the
niggers. Their good and ourn demanded it. For
instance, they shood not be permitted to be out after
7 o'clock, P. M., in the evenin ; they shoodent leave
the plantashen onto wich they wuz employed ; they
shood work every day till 7 ; and to do away with
the pernicious work uv the Freedmen's Bureau, no
man and wife wich hed bin married by a chaplin uv
the Bureau, or by any one else, shood be employed
on the same plantashen, and also no father or mother

356 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

and child. Sich ez violated these ordinances shood
be arrested by anybody, and fined ; and in default
uv payment uv the fine and costs, shood be sold to
the person who wood take his or her labor for the
shortest number uv years, and pay the fine and costs
aforesed. " Ez a conservative," sed the Deekin, " I
sejest this plan."

" Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word
* conservative ? ' " sed Joe Bigler, a returned Confed-
erate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enough uv war.
" It's a man who goes a roundabout way to do a
devlish mean thing. Deekin, why can't yoo go to
the devil by a straight road, ez I do ? "

The interupshen uv the demoralized wretch
wuzn't notist ; and ez the trustees uv the town-
ship wuz all present, the ordinance wuz passed,
and that night two thirds -uv the niggers within
five miles uv the Corners wuz arrested and sold,
and within two weeks every one hed bin cap-
cherd.

I hied me to the Corners, and the first man I saw
wuz Bascom, the grocery keeper, engaged in tlie
congenial biznis uv tappinTi barrel uv contentment,
wich he hed just receeved. I wuz a goin to tell him
tlie dread intelligence, when he caught site uv me.
"Taste thai, Parson," sed he, holdin out a tin dipper

The October Elections. 257

full. I drank it off, and one look at him onmand
me. "Kin I o'ercloud that smilin cheek?" thot I,
ez, in a fit uv absent-mindednis, — wich I hev every
now and then, — I held out the empty dipper to be
filled agin, wich it wuz. " No ! for a time he shel
be spared ; " and I borrered his mule, and rode
away pensively.

I wuz goin fust to Deekin Pogram's, for he wuz
the most interested uv eny in the settlement. After
the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin hed caused
the arrest uv sich niggers ez he cood ketch, and had
had em fined in sums uv $275 and uppards, wich
bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the fine, he hed kindly
bid em in.

He hed picked up, here and there, all uv his old
servants, ceptin those wich hed bin killed in the
army, and the few misguided ones wich hed made
their way Nortli, and that mornin the plantashen
wuz to be reconstructed upon the old patriarkle sys-
tem. Mrs. Deekin Pogram wuz marshellin four uv
the likeliest wenches I ever saw in the kitchen ; his
son Tom wuz chuckin a yaller girl under the chin,
wich hed bin born on the place about eighteen years
before, and Avich, owin to a unfortunate resemblance
to the Deekin, hed caused a onpleasantnis between
him and his wife, wich endid in the loss uv the most
17

258 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

uv his hair, and the sellin uv the girl's mother to
Noo Orleans. The two girls hed each their waitin-
maids, and wuz a puttin them through their paces.
There hed bin some trouble in gittin em reconstruct-
ed, it bein deemed nessary to take the conseet out
uv em, wich they wuz all a doin. Ez I rode up,
the old lady hed jest knocked one uv em down with
a fire-shovel, and wuz dancin a Highland fling onto
her prostrate body. Almira, the oldest gal", hed her
fingers in the wool uv her gal ; and tother one wuz
a thumpin hern to redose her to her proper level ;
and the Deekin hisself wuz a deelin with one on-
grateful wretch, who objected to bein put to work
on them terms, not realizin that the Bureau was
gone. Ez the Deekin hed a revolver he yielded the
pint, and submitted to be flogged, wich the Deekin
wuz doin ez neatly ez I ever saw, considerin he hed
bin out uv practis four years. He had him tied up
to a tree, and wuz a wollopin uv him gorjus. While
he wuz a convinsin uv him with his whip that there
wuz trooth in the Skripter, and that Ham wuz reely
a servant unto his bretherin, I exclaimed, " Stop ! "
and immejitly whispered the appallin news in his
lc.it ear (tother one iied bin chawed off" in a misun-
derstandin at Bascom's the previous Sunday nite,
after servis). Never shel I forgit the look uv woe

The October Elections. 259

on that eminent Christian's face. The whip fell
from his nerveless hand ; and with teers streemin
down his cheeks, washin up little streaks uv dirt in
the most heart-rendin manner, he gasped in a husky
voice to the wife uv his buzzum, " Cut him down,
Mirandy! The North's gone Ablishin, and the
d — d niggers will be free anyhow ! " and the old
patriarch swooned away at my feet.

And sich an expression of anguish ez distorted
the face uv the Deekin's wife I hope never to see
agin. Droppin the shovel, she stood ez one petri-
fied, with her foot elevated in mid air, ez in the act
uv stompin, and uttering a shreek wich methinks I
hear ringing in my ears yet, she fell precisely ez she
stood, with her leg crooked ez ef 'twuz froze there.
Tom released the gal he wuz subdooin, and mountin
his horse rode off to the Corners without saying a
word ; and unable to witness the distress uv that
stricken family, I made haste to mount my mule
and go to ; while the niggers, feelin that they we.,
wunst more their own men and women, scattered in
every direction.

" Sich is the froots uv Radikelism," murmured I.
" Sich is the bitter cup fanaticism hez put to our
lips ; " and ca,stin one lingr ing look at the prostrate
forms uv the Deekin, his wife (with her foot insen-

zSo SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

slbly raised), and their two gushin daughters, 1
spurred the mule, and departed.

Wood that every Ablishnist in the North hed seer,
that site, and wuz possessed uv a sole to appreshat'
it I Then would they vote differently.

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M
(wich is Fostmastei).

The October Elections. 261

XXXVII.

The Odoter Elections. — Mr, Nash;/s Opinion on
the Cause of the Defeat of the President.

4

CoNFEDEiT X Roads
(■wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 14, 1866.

IWUZ called in haste to Washington to be pres-
ent at a Cabinet meetin called to consider the
causes uv the onparalleled loosenin uv the Nashnel
Union Johnson Dinaekratic party in the various
States wich held elections on the 9th uv October
last. There wuz Sev(rard, Wells, McCulloch, and
Randall present; but we missed Raymond and
Beecher, they hevin, I understand, played off on-
to us.

The President wuz gloomy. He hedn't anticipated
the defeat. He spected that, hevin showd hisself
through all the Northern States, ther ought to hev
ben enthoosiasm enough evolved to hev carried em
without trouble. The fault, he remarked, coodent
be with liis policy. Ther wuz suthin so g^and, so

262 SwiNGiN Round the Cirki,e.

sublimely simple in it, that it wuz incomprehensible
to him why the people hedn't at once adopted it.
" Why, look at it," sed he. " I offer the people uv
the North peace, on the simple condishn uv sayin
nothin more about the war, or the mutual trouble
which they found theirselves into, and rushin into
the arms uv their Southern brethien, and takin vv
em back jist ez they went out. How, O ! how cood
they be so blind ez to refoose these olive branches ? "

Randall replied that he coodent understand it ;
but he hed summoned a Postmaster to attend, wich
he hed appinted on his solemn asshoorance that he
cood carry enough Republicans over to our new
party to defeat the Union member in that District,
wich he notist by the papers wuz elected by a larger
majority than he hed ever reseeved, and he wuz in
waitin.

" Bring in the wretch ! " shouted the President ;
and the guard brung him in, A mizable lookin
objick he wuz. Ez soon ez he saw the stern eye uv
the President fixed on him, he sunk to his knees,
and lifted up his hands implorinly, without sayin a
word.

" Speak 1 " sed the President. " Wny the result
in yoor Deestrict?"

" My liege," replied the wretched man, " I know

The October Elections. 263

not. Faithfully I labored; but the people wood
come into the house holdin their noses, and set a
holdin uv em so long ez I wuz speekin, wich wuzn't
conducive to displays of oratory. The papers wood
■publish my own utterances six months before, wich
confused me somewhat ; and the ablishnists would
read at me yoor speeches, wich I coodent akkount
for. I seekoored for yoo suthin like a dozen votes ;
but they wuz them ez stipulated for places under
me, and I hed hard work to git em from the Union
party, and they wuz sich ez did us more harm than
good. And besides "

" Enuff ! " sed Johnson. " Remove him."

And the poor fellow wuz bundled out.

Secretary Welles knowd wat wuz the matter. It
come uv takin Grant and Farrygut along on the ex-
cursion. It distracted the attention uv the people.
Hed there bin nobody but the President and the
Cabinet along, there woodent hev bin nobody to
hurrah for, and the sublime trooths, wich the Presi-
dent kin only jerk, wood hev impressed the people
more than they did.

Seward wuz confident that the election wood hev
bin all right cood it hev bin postponed ninety days ;
while McCullock attribooted it to the limited know!
edge the masses hed uv Injeany bankin

264 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

I wuz rekested to give my views, wich I did.

" My lords," sed I, " none uv you hev got the ijee.
We wuz beet because we left the landmarks — that's
wat ailed us, wuz the anshent landmarks. Wat hed
we to go into this canvass with ? Democrisy ? Not
any ; for that wuz squelched at Philadelphia. Wat
then? Why, the ofEses. OfEses, in the abstract, is
good. That little one which I hold in Kentucky I
coodont be indoost to part with on no account ; but
yoo can't run a party on em, because there ain't
enough uv em,

" My liege, on my return from the Philadelphia
Convention I tarried a while in Berks county, which
is in Pennsylvania, and is distinguished for the
unanimity with which they vote Democracy. My
liege, they learned down there mor'n six weeks ago
that the war wuz over, and therefore yoo coodent
stir em up on drafts. Taxes they had got used to,
and that didn't move em ; and so the speaker wuz
emptyin school-houses by talkin uv the results uv a
glorious war, wich they all opposed, and praisin our
mutual friend Seward, wich they had alluz hated as
a Ablishnist, and-hedn't heerd yet that he had jined
the Demokracy. Wuz it any wonder that we went
under? Ther ain't but one thing left to us, and that
we strangely neglected. My liege, why wuz the

The October Elections. 265

f

NiGGEB. not made the central figger this year, ez
before? They is the capital uv the Democrisy, its
refuge, its tower of strength. I spoke in Berks
county myself, following one of them new-fangled
Democrats, who hed set em all asleep talkin stuff
to em that they didn't understand. Mountin the
rostrum, I ejaculated, —

"'Men and Brethren, do yoo want to
MARRY A Nigger?'

" ' No ! no I ' they answered, strai^tenin up to-
wunst.

" ' Do you want niggers for sons-in-law ? '

"'No! no!'

" ' Do you want laws to prevent you from marryin
niggers ? '

"'Yes I yes!'

" ' Do you want to be marched up to the polls "by
those who tell you how to vote, beside a nigger?'

"'No! no!'

" ' Then vote tlie Demekratic ticket.' And they
all replied, —

" ' We will ! we will ! * and they did. You see,
your Exslency, the Demekratic mind isn't hefty
enough to comprehend them fine arguments ez to
constitootinality, et setry ; and when a speaker deals
in em, they suspect his Dimocrisy, and fight shy uv

266 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

him. But nigger they kin all understand. It's
soothin to the Dimekratic mind to be continyooally
told that there is somebody lower down in the skale.
They desire a infea-ior race, and therefore hev bin
pullin the nigger down toward em for years. Did
yoo not notis whenever we went it on the nigger we
succeeded in awakenin an enthoosiasm, wich, when
we neglected him, or selected other issues, we failed
to get? /

"It's based upon philosophical trooths. The
poorer and meaner a man is, the more anxious he is
to hev it understood tliat there's somebody still
poorer and meaner than him. Hence, you notis,
that them individooals who see a 5 cent peese so
seldom ez to not know its nacher, and who keep the
flag uv distress wavin from the seat uv their pants,
— who, ef niggers wuz sellin at a cent a peese,
coodent raise enough to buy the toe nail uv one, -~
is the most ardent friends of Slavery.

" That pitiful man wich jest left the presence wuz
not to blame for the result in his Deestrick. He
tried to earn his bread ; but wat cood he do? The
Ablishnists knowd he wuz bought with a price, and
laffed at him. The Democrisy, sich ez Voted, we'd
hev got anyhow. Them ez didn't vote, nor do

The October Elections. 267

notliln, wuz the upper class, wich expected the
ofEses themselves, and wuz disgusted accordinly.

"My liege, I hev spoke. Yoo can't do nothin
with a new party ; for yoo kin only git the Dimoc-
risy to jine it, and they won't do it onless the offises
is throwd in. Yoo can't run the Dimocrisy on only
one issue, and that's the nigger ; for if s all they kin
understand. So long ez the nigger exists, Dimoc-
risy endoors ; when the race becomes extinct, the
party dies. The two is indissolubly bound together ;
one wuz created for tother, and tother for one.
When Noah cust Ham he laid the foundashens uv
Dimocrisy. Ham w^uz turned into a nigger because
Noah got intoxicated. His misfortune originated
with wine ; and whisky, wich is the modern substi-
toot therefor, bein the motive power uv Dimocrisy,
hez bin persekutin him ever sence. I attriboot the
decline uv the Dimocrisy to the bleachin out uv the
Afrikin, and that's why I oppose amalgamashen.
Yoo can't hate a mulatter only half ez much ez yoo
kin a full-blood ; and it will be observed that the in-
tensity uv Demokricy has decreased precisely in
proportion to the scarcity uv pure t lacks. Thus
Demokrisy is committin suicide ; it hez bin the
means uv its own destruction.

" I don't know ez there's eny yoose uv talkin.

a68 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

The Congressmen elected this fall continyoo in of
fis, my liege, jist precisely ez long ez yoo do, to a
day, and by that time they'll hev it all fixed. Noo
York may change in our favor, but I think not.
The break commenst in Maine, and it increased as
it progressed. We're gone in. The Ablishnists
laughs in glee, and the nigger shows all his ivories.
We shel hold our places two years, and then farewell
to our greatness.

" I pity yoo, my lord ; but I can't help yoo. Ez
JFor myself, I kin save enufF out uv my Post Offis to
start a small grocery at the expiration uv my term,
and then farewell politics. In that pleasant callin
I'll flote down the stream uv Time, until Death
closes the polls, and ends the struggle. I hev sed."

The Conference ended with this : for they wuz all
too much affected to say anything. Seward mur-
mered suthin about it would be all right in sixty
days ; that there wuz no denyin that the people wuz
happy; but no one paid any attention to him. I
went home, leavin em all in tears.

Petrolexbi V. Nasby, P. M.

(wich is PostmaBt«T).

Andrew Johnson President or King ? 269

xxxvni.

" Wi'll you have Andrew Johnson President of
King?" — A Dream, in which Andrew Johnson
Jigures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles.

CONPEDMT X EOAD8

(wioh is in the Stait ut Kentucky)
October 24, 1866

\

DREAMS is only vouchsafed to persons uv a
imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom
I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual
about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but
that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't
counteracted, wood make me entirely too etherial
for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my
exuberant imaginashun, and enable me to come
down to the dry detail uv offish'l life — to fit me
for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Post-
master. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun —
pork brings me back agin. If s fat and greasy, like
the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster — it
comes from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean

270 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

uv animals, like our commishuns — in short, I
recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat
pork. It's ther nateral diet.

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much,
and ez a consekence, didn't sleep well. While I
wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville consla-
tion the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's ques-
tion, whether they wood hev Johnson President or
King, and while musm I fell in2 the arms uv Mor-
fus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored.
Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at
wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and en-
larged, the humble chairs become suddenly uphol-
stered in gorgus style, the taller dip become
multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers,
the portraits ux His Highness the President, and the
other Democrats on the wall, became alive. I com-
prehended the situation to wunst. Androo Johnson
had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword,
and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloo-
sion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the title
uv Androo the I., and I wuz (in my dreem uv
course) in his kingly halls.

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High
Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, cov-
ered with led velvet, and studded witli diamonds,

Andrew Johnson President or King? 271

and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones —
onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped
into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance
uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from
a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the
throne, doin the offis uv a footstool, wuz^ Charles
Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the
complete triumph we lied won over our enemies ;
while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz
Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who
hed opposed the change from a Republic to a King-
dom. They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom,
knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly
imposin appearance.

Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive,
and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Cham-
berlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, an-
nounct em. " Dook de Davis ! " was ejackelatid, and
Jeffson entered. " Earl von Toombs," " Sir Joseph
E. Johnston," " Markis de Bouregard," " Count de
Pollard," and so forth.

Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly
tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Welles, who
wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that
Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said,
a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourbelves to

272 SWINGIN ROXJND THE ClRK-lE.

the habits uv nobility. The South wuz shivelrus,
and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments
and sich — they hed got accustomed to cirkus
clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin
awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich
ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles
uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted
their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the
royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he
filled to the entire satisfaction uv his beloved and
royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each
on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two
years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev
fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv
great responsibility, and one wich weighed upon
him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz
steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz
Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very
well indeed.

By this time the company assembled. His High-
ness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself.
Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a cor-
ner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count
Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and
on bendid knee demanded a boon.

Andrew Johnson President or King? 273

" What, my faithful servitor, dost tl, ou most de-
sire ? " sed His Highness.

" We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv
state brot into the presence, that we may make
merry over 'em."

" It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and forthwith
Baron von Steedman, who bed command uv the
King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them.
In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a miza-
ble lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips wuz
chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickin-
son, Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and
Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz
tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard,
inscribed, " The last uv the Tribunes ; " at wich Ray-
mond, who lejft the Radikels and declared for the
empire at -precisely the rite time, and wuz now edi-
tor of the Court Journal., laffed immodritly. Some
one exclaimed, " Bring in Thad Stevens ! " at wich
His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote
together. " Don't, don't ! " sez he ; " he's strength
enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away I
keep him away ! " and he showed ez much fear ez
men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.
' Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things
wuz workin satisfactory. Gen. Grant wuz in exile,
18

274 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin
to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country
hed bin divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and
sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted
authority. The principal men uv the North hed
been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fiUin
menial positions in the palaces uv the nobility. No
Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well
served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Con-
gressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv
nobility wuzn't content with anythin less than Guv-
ners." The indebtednis uv the South to the North
hed bin adjustid. A decree' hed bin ishood to the
effect that Northern merchants who shood press a
claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his
goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed
bin settled forever, for the Dimekratic ijee uv one
class to serve and one class to be served w^uz fully
establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society,
the hereditary nobility, the untitled officials, and the
people ; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs,
and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done by
foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to
make the native born people purely agricultural
peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it easy for

Andrew Johnson President or King? 275

em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, re*
Bervin the balance for their own uses.

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to
ascertain whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I
am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin
me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar
for the amoozement of the company, addressed me
cz " Yoor Grace," from wich I inferred that I wuz
one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this
pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The
gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed van-
ished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz
gone, and I wuz in my ofEs, not " Yoor Grace,"
but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village !
Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman?
He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is
troo ; but I hev w^at soots me better — whiskey fresh
from the still. Yet my dreem may be realized, and
ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with
credit. Who knows?

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Fostmastei).

276 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

XXXIX.

A Calinet Meeting. — Letters from Rev. Henry
Ward Beecher, General Custar, Henry y. Ray*
mond, and Hon. John Mbrrissey, each anxious to
Preserve his Reputation. — A Sad Time at the
White House.

A

CoNFEDKiT X Roads
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
November 7, 1866.

IWUZ called to Washington by our patron Saint,
the President, to comfort his wounded sperit.
There ain't no disguisin the fact, — the sperit of An-
droo Johnson is wounded. He hez endoored the
slings and arrers uv moi-e outrajus fortune than any
other man who hez lived sence the days uv Ham-
lick ; more, indeed, than Hamlick endoored, twict
over. Hamlick's father wuz pizoned, and his moth-
er married agin afore her mournin clothes wuz wore
out — suthin no savin, prudent woman would do;
but what wuz that to wat A. Johnson endoors every
day? Nothin.

A Cabinet Meeting 377

The cabinet meetin to wich I wuz summoned wuz
called for the purpose uv sheddin a tear or two
over the election returns, and to consider a variety
uv letters wich His Eggscellency hed receeved
within a few days. I may remark that tlie cab
inet hed a gloomy and mildewed look.

The fiist wuz from Rev. Henry Ward Beechei
Mr. Bcecher remarked that he had the highest pos-
sible respeck for the offis wunst held by the good
Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted Lin-
kin. He omitted remarkin anythin about Peerce
and Bookanan, out uv regard for the feelins uv the
present incumbent, wich, ef he hed read History
correct, wuz a ardent supporter uv the Administra-
shens uv both of them men, wich he considered
stains upon the pages uv American history wich he
cood wish mite be obliterated. But wat he desired
to say wuz, that he hed a higher regard for the good
opinion uv mankind in general than he hed for the
good opinion uv the accidental incumbent uv any
offis ; and ez he hed, in a hour uv temporary mental
aberrashen, wich bed" happily passed, endorsed the
Administrashen, wich insanity hed worked evil unto
him, he rekested, ez a simple act uv justice, that
the President shood cause it to be known that he

278 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

(Beecher) wuz not considered by the Administra
shen ez a supporter thereof.

" I do this," sed the writer, " becoz the impression
that I am in the confidence uv yoor Eggslency, wich
is onfortunately abroad, hez seriously damaged my

REPUTASHEN.

" Trooly yoors," et settry.

The readin uv this letter wuz follered by a minit
uv profound silence, wich wuz broken by the Pres-
ident.

" Let him pass," sed the great man who hez the
despensin uv the post ofiisis, " let him pass. But
here is another," sed he, bustin into teers ; " read
thai."

It wuz from Gen. Custar, him uv the yaller hair,
wich bed some reputashen doorin the war ez a cav-
alry commander. It wuz to the same effect. He
hed, when he spozd that the policy uv the President,
wich he esteemed ez he must any man who held the
exalted position wunst okkepied by the good Wash-
inton, the great Jefferson, and the sainted Lin-
kin

" The ongrateful dog doesn't respect me ! " sed
Androo ; " it's the offis I fill ; " and he bust into
1 fresh flood.

A Cabinet Meeting. 279

When he spozed the President's policy wuz

BJch ez a soljer and patriot cood endorse, he en-
dorsed it. But he diskivered that it led him, back
foremost, into company wich, doorin the late war,
lie hed alluz visited face foremost and on hossback ;
and therefore, to save his reputashun, he must
beg that the President wood give it out that he
TGen. Custar) wuz not, nor never hed bin, a sup-
porter uv his policy, and oblige

Yoors trooly, ez before.

I wuz too hart-broken at this to make any reply,
and Cowan and Doolittle wuz in the same fix.
The Kernelcy wich wuz given to Custar to keep
him in posishen hed bin promised to a Demokratic
captin, who wuz led by a company in the first Bull
Run fight, and who threw up in disgust the next
day, not likin the manner in wich the war wuz bein
conducted ; but now the Kernelcy wuz gone, and
Custar too ; and wat wuz worse, there wuz no sich
thing to be thot uv ez dismissin him. The entire
company yoonited in minglin their teers.

The next letter wuz read by Seward, ez it wuz
addressed to him. It wuz from Raymond. He
opened with the remark that for the Presidential
office he hed the highest respeck. Aside from the

28o SWINGIN RotTND THE ClRKLE.

considerashen Liat it hed bin wunst okkepied by tha
good Washinton, the great Adams, and the sainted
Linkin, the President mite be considered the Father
of his country, hevin so large a number of lielpless
children to provide for ; and besides, he hed a in-
stinctive respeck for the dispenser of anything. It
wuz difficult for him, bein a open and simple-minded
man, not to adhere to the President ; but

" Good Heavens ! " shreeked Johnson, " that little
fox ain't a goin to speak uv his reputashen ! "

" Dooty requires the reedin uv the entire dockey-
ment, painful to my feelins ez it may be," sed Sew-
ard. " He concloods thusly : —

" ' I am forced to ask yoo, ez one enjoyin confi-
denshel relations with Him who occupies the Pres-
idenshel chair, to hev it given out that I stand in
Opposition to him. A doo regard for my repu-
tashen impels me to this course. I remain

" ' Yoors Trooly.' "

There wuz 2 or three more. Gen. Carey uv
Ohio, requested the President to remove him from
his Collectorship. ez the holdin uv it wuz injoorin
HIS REPUTASHEN. A editor out West, who wu'.
sedooced into takin a Post Offis, begged to hev it
taken off his hands, that he might save his circula-

A Cabinet Meeting. 281

shen before it wuz everlastinly too late. And finally
we come to wun, the seal uv wich wuz a coat-uv-
arms — bull dog rampant, bowie-knife couchant,
supported by trottin horses, on a field uv green cloth.
It wuz from Hon. John Morrisey, who hed jest
ben elected to Congress in Noo York.

Mr. Morrisey remarked that, ez one uv the pillars
uv the Democrasy, he felt he hed a rite to speek.
He wished it to be understood that -he washed his
hands uv any connection with Johnson or his party.
He hed seed a lite. In States where the Democrasy,
uv wich he wuz a piller, hed tied themselves to
Johnson, they hed gone down to a prematoor grave.
Respeck for the high offis restrained him from sayin
that the Democrasy coodent carry sich a cussid
load ; but he wood say that the result uv the election
in Noo York, where they dependid solely on muscle
and nigger, wich is the reel Democratic capital, and
succeeded, while where the Democrasy wuz loaded
down with Johnsonianism, they failed, satisfied him
that the President wuz a inkubus. He sed this with
all doo respeck for the offis. Mr. Morrisey further
remarked that he hed also personel reasons for
makin this request. He commenced in a humble
position, and hed filled the public eye long enuff to
satisfy his modist ambishen. He hed walloped Sul-

282 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

livan and Heenan ; he hed owned the fastest horses,
and won more money at faro than any man in
Amerika. His ambishen wuz satisfied, so fur ez he
wuz concerned ; but he hoped to leave behind him,
lOr his infant son (wich wuz only twelve years uv
age, and wich hed a development uv intelleck and
muscle remarkable for one so tender, havin already
walloped every boy in the skool to wich he wuz a
goin), he desired to leave that son a honorable
name. It hed bin given out that he wuz a sup-
porter uv the individooal who okkepied the Presi-
denshel ofBs, and it wuz injoorin him. He wished
that stigma removed. A regard for his repv-
TASHEN forced him to insist upon it.
And this epistle wuz dooly signed,
his
John X Morrissey, M. C.
mark.

There wuz silence in the Cabinet. This last
stroke intensified the gloom wich hed settled onto
the Government ; and ez I turned my tear-be-
dewed eyes, I saw the great drops coursin down
the cheeks uv every one present. Mr. Seward re-
tired without sayin anythin about ninety days, and
one by one they all departed.

It wuz a solemn time. There wuz other letters

A Cabient Meeting. 283

yet to be read, but no one bed tbe heart to open em.
1 made a move in that direckshun, but Androo pre-
vented me. " I'm sick," murmured he, in a husky
voice, which showed that his hart wuz peerced.
" Help me to bed." I saw the great man bury his
intellectool head beneath the snowy kivrin uv his
oneasy couch, all but the nose, which in him is the
thermometer uv the sole, and which accordinly
glowed, not with the yoosooal brilliant hue, but
with a dull, dead, and ghastly bloo. Noticin the
convulsive heavins uv the kivers, which betrayed
the agitashen uv the breast beneath, I whispered in
his ear, ez I handed him his nite drink uv rye whis-
ky flavored with bourbon, that he hed one hold, ez
Delaware hed sustained him. A flush uv satisfac-
tion passed over his nose, but it subsided in an in-
stant. " Troo," gasped he, " it's ourn now ; but
before the next election a couple uv them Massa-
choosits ablishnists will buy the cussid State, and
re-people it to soot em ; " and he gave a convulsive
gasp, and sank into a troubled slumber.
It wuz a tetchin occasion.

Pete OLEUM V. Nasby, P. M.
(wich is Postmaster).

284 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

XL.

A Sermon upon the November Elections^ from the
Texi, "JVb^ man futteth New Wine into Old
Bottles" with a Digression or Two.

CONPEDMT X KOADS J

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), >

NoTember 16, 1866. J

WHEN the news uv the result of the lUinoy
election reached the Corners, there wuz a
feelin uv oneasiness wich was trooly affectin ; but
when the- crushin intelligence arove that Hoffman
wuz beeten in Noo York, there wuz a prostration
wich wuz only ekalled when the intelligence of
Lee's surrender reached us. We expected defeat in
lUinoy, and some uv the other States, but we hed
hopes that Noo York wood go Dimocratic, that
His Eggslency mite hev some show uv backin by
the people, and consekently some excoose for con-
tinyooin to enforce his policy. But that hope wuz
taken from us, and uv the entire populashen, I wuz
the only one who hed suffishent stamina to preserve

Sermon on the November Elections. 285

the semblance uv cheerfulness, and that wuz only
on akkount uv my hevin the Post Offis. Elections
can't take that from me : it is a rock wich the
waves uv popler indignashen can't wash away,
thank the Lord ! for ef they cood, how many uv us
wood to-day be holdin our places? Still, I felt
overwhelmed, and sorrowfully I entered Bascom's.
There, with their heads bowed in sorrer, and tears
flowin from their venrable eyes, sot Deekin Pogram,
Elder Slathe/s, arid a few others uv the Saints, who,
ez I entered, mekanikally rose, and stood afore the
bar ; mekanikally Bascom, who wuz likewise bowed
down with greef, sot out the invigorator ; mekani-
kally we dosed ourselves, and still in a daze, me-
kanikally I moved out v/ithout payin, Bascom bein
too full uv sorrer to notis it.

It wuz deemed proper, in view uv the great
calamity, that services shood be held in the church,
and at 2 P. M,, wich with us mite be sed to mean
post mortem, we slowly and sadly filed in, the only
smilin countenance in site bein that uv a nigger at
the door, who wuz to-wunst beltid over the head for
lookin happy.

I gave out the hymn, —

" Broad is the road wich leeds to death," —

286 SwiNGiN Round the Cikkle.

and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the
weepin hed subsided, and I got my feelings calmed
down so ez to permit me to speek, I commenst
explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I
sed, a chastenin sent onto us for our sins ; a stripin
becoz we hed exalted our horn in our pride ; that,
gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the
collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed
become vain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in
performance uv dooties. Ther wuz niggers in Ken-
tucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at
naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned
em to be servants uv their brethren ; and heer I
digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen stricters
in a Boston paper onto the ccmmon practice uv
amalgamashen in the South, wich paper held up
the practis to the condemnashen uv pious men.
"My brethren," sed I, "them Boston Ablishnists
hev no cleer understandiii uv the Skripter. When
Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that cuss? '■He
shel be a servant unto his brethren.' Not unto
strangers ; not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite,
or the Millerite, but unto his brethren ! How cood
he be servant unto his brethren except thro amalga-
mashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how
wood the male niggers be our brethren? O, my

Sermon on the November Elections. 287

brethren ! we wuz obliged to do these things, that
the Skripters mite be fulfilled ; and to the credit uv
the Southern people, be it sed, that they never shrunk
from the performance uv dooty. The per cent, uv
yeller niggers in this State attests how faithfiil Ken-
tucky hez bin."

But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin
skools to come in, and unfit um for their normal
and skriptural condishen ; but these is not all. My
brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt's, and get the town-
ship Bible,' and search till yoo find this yer tex : —

"And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the
new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled."

My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimoc-
risey, uv course ; and the most uv em may be con-
sidered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carrying
about fiooids — not percisely wine, but the modern
substitoot therefor — from our earliest infancy.
Wich is new wine ? The Ablishnists wich foUered
Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy ; so tvuz
they. New wine fizzes ; so did they. New w 'ne
hez strength for a minnit ; so hed they. New wine
is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the
puttin uv this new wine into old bottles wuz accom-
plished ; at that accursed place anshent Dimocrisy,

288 SwiNGIN ROUXD THE CiRKLE.

W'ich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto
the nex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented
Ablishinism, and we mingled our tears together ;
the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle
uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it
with Federal patronage, it busted, and greai wuz
the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles
wuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is
runnin round permiscus. So wuz the Skripter
fulfilled.

And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire's
huntin up that tex, keep on till yoo find anotlier, to
wit: —

" No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new gar-
ment, else the new piece that fiUeth it up taieth it away from
the old, and the rent is made worse."

My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a
soot uv gray, wich it hed bin a wearin for five
years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious
rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. 0,
why wuzn't we content to wear it? Why wuz we
not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters ful-
filled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with
Federal, blue ; we put onto the back, Seward ; onto
the knees, Randall ; onto the shoulders, Cowan ;
and onto the seat, Johnson, and tliey wuz stitched

Sermon on the November Elections. 289

together with Post Offisis. But it didn't hold. The
Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old cloth wuz rotten,
and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied,
and takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents
is bigger than before. Our cOat is busted at the
elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, out
at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress
waveth drearily in the cold wind.

JMy brethren, we will succeed when we stick to
our integrity. Wat wuz the yoose uv our assoomin
what we did not'hev? Wat wuz the sence uv our
askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris
wich hed, doorin the war, drafted their sons? Wat
wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel Amend-
ments to men who spozed that Internal Imprdve-
ments and a Nashnel Bank wuz still the ishoo?
Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt on nigger
equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and
ace uv the Democrisy, — its tower uv strength, its
anker and cheefest trust, and wich is easy uv com-
prehension, and eminently adapted to the Democratic
intelleck, — and takin up questions wich will all
be settled ten years afore they begin to comprehend
em ? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my brethren, in
puttin new wine into old bottles ? — uv patchin old
cloth with new? Let us be warned, and never
repeet the fatle error.
19

290 SwiNGiN Round the Cirklb.

The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but
ez they gathered at Bascom's to discuss the sermon,
I wuz gratified at observin a visible improvement in
their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around live-
ly ; Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz
unskriptooral to put new wine into old tubs, but ez
he didn't hev an ijee that the prohibishen extendid
to new whisky, he'd resk it, bust or no bust, and he
pizened hisself very much in the old style, and
Elder Slather and Kernel McPelter so far recovered
their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshend in
the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The
Corners is rapidly gettin itself agin.

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M.

(wich is Postmaster),

A Few Last Words. agi

XLI.

A J^ew Last Words. — The Writer Tiereof hies
his Readers Farewell, and hurls a Trifle of
Exhortation after them.

ky),>

6. >

CoNFEDEiT X Roads
~- (wich is in the Stait ut Kentucky),

November 19, 1866.

POETS hev remarked a great many times, too
tejus to enoomerate, that " farewell " is the
saddistist word to pronounce wich hez to he pro-
nounst. It may be so among poets, wich are spozd
to be a continyooally carryin about with em a load
uv sadnis, and sensibilities, and sich ; but I hev
never found it so. The fact is, it depends very
much on how^ yoo say it, under wat circumstances,
and to whom. Wen, in my infancy, I wuz inkar-
seratid in the common jail uv my native village, in
Noo Gersey, a victim to the prejudisis uv twelve
men, who believed, on the unsupportid testimony
uv three men, and the mere accident uv the missin
property bein found in my possession (notwith-

292 SwLi^GiN Round the Cirkle.

standin the fact that I solemnly asshoored em that I
didn't know nothin about it, and if I did it, it must
hev bin in a somnamboolic state), that I hed bin
guilty uv bustin open a grosery store, and takin
twelve boxes uv cheroot cigars, I asshoor yoo- that,
at the end uv the sentence, — hevin bin fed on bread
and water, — the sayin of farewell to the inhuman
jailer wuzn't at all onpleasant. Likewise, when, in
the State uv Pennsylvany, in the eggscitin campane
uv 1856, I votid twict or four times for that eminent
anS gilelis patriot, Jeems Bookannon, and wuz
hauled up therefor, and sentenced by a Ablishn
Judge to a year in the Western Penitentiary, after
an elokent speech, in wich I reviewed the whole
question at issue between the parties, and ashoored
him that my triflin irregularity in the matter uv
votin grew out uv an overweenin desire for the sal
vashen uv my beloved country, — that, feelin that
rooin wuz ahead uv us, onless that leveler Fremont
wuz defeated, I felt that my conshence wood not be
easy onless I did all in my power to avert the evil,
— when I emerged from them gloomy walls, with
one soot uv close, and a tolable knowledge uv the
shoemakin biznis, wuz it a sad thing for me to say
" Farewell " to the grim jailer, whose key turned

A Few Last Words. 293

one way wuz liberty, and tother way captivity?
Nary.

These two instances, I beleeve, is the or.ly ones in
wich I hev ever hed to say farewell. In the course
uv my long and checkered career (I do not here
allood to the style uv clothin in the Penitentiary), I
am, when I think uv it, surprised at the compar-
atively few times wich I ever left a place at wich I
hed bin stayin, in daylite ! I ginerally went in the
nite, —

" Foldin my tent like the Arab,
And ez silently steelin away,"

hevin too much sensibility to be an onwillin witnis
uv the agony uv landladies, when they diskivered
that I cDod not pay. Knowin the softnis uv my
heart, I hev alluz hed a great regard for my feelins.

Still, I feel some disinclinashen to commence
sayin Farewell at this time. I wood like to con-
tinyoo this work. Methinks I wood like to go on
pilin up pages ontil the Dimocrisy uv the Yoonited
States wuz thoroughly indoctrinatid with my Di-
mocrisy. But it is impossible.

I bid my readers farewell in a period uv gloom
rarely ekalled, and never surpast, for the Democrisy
Never in my recollekshun wuz the party in sich a
rta'e uv abject cussibDod. The Northern States hev

294 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

slipt from our grasp one by one, ontil none remains
wich we kin fondly call ourn. The Border States
are losin their Dimocrisy, and rallyin under the
black banner uy Ablishinism ; and the ten States
which we kin control onfortinitly ain't got no voice
in the Guvment. From the mountin tops uv Maine,
and the level pararies uv lUinoy, the remnants uv
the Dimocrisy holler to us uv the South, " Be firm !
we'll stand by yoo ! " and from the rich cotton fields
uv the South the Dimocrisy holler to them uv the
North, " Keep up yoor sperits ! we are troo to
yoo ! " all uv wich is very cheerin, when them uv
the North is in sich a hopelis minority ez to be
unable to elect a township constable, and them in
the South hain't got no vote at all 1

I appeal, however, with the lest uv the leaders,
to the Dimocrisy to remain firm. Suthin will come
in time, — what, I can't, with any degree uv certinty,
now state ; but suthin will come. The Ablishuists
cannot alluz rool. The cuss uv the old Whig party
wuz, that the respective individooal members there-
of cood read and write, and hed a knack uv doin
their own thinkin, and therefore it cood not be brot
into that state uv dissipline so nessary to success ez
a party. That same cuss is a hangin onto the Ab-
Ushnists. They hung together from 1856 to i860

A Few Last Words. 295

coz there wuz wat they called a prinsipple at stake ;
and on that prinsipple they elected Linkin. They
wood hev fallen to peeces tlien, but our Southern
brethren decided to commence operashens for the
new goverment it hed so long desired ; and the
overwhelmin pressur uv the war smothered all miner
ishoos and all individooal feelin, and they hung to-
gether long enough to see that throo. Now, still
for the principle wich welded em doorin the war,
they are holdin together yit, and probably will ontil
they think this question wich they are disposin of "is
disposed of. Then they will split up, and our openin
is made. We hev a solid phalanx, wich they can't
win over or detach from us. We hev them old vet-
erans who voted for. Jaxon, and who are still votin
for him. We hev them sturdy old yeomanry who
still swear that Bloo Lite Fedralism ought to be put
down, and can't be tolerated in a Republikin Gov^
erment, and who, bless their old souls ! don't know
no more what Bloo Lite Fedralism wuz than an
unborn baby does uv Guy Fawkes. We hev that
Siolid army uv voters whose knees yawn hidjusly,
and whose coats is out at elbows, and whose chil-
dren go barefoot in winter, while their dads is a
drinkin cheap whiskey, and damin the Goverment
for imposin a income tax. We hev the patriotic

296 Savingin Round the Cirkle.

citizins whose noses blossom like the lobster, and
who live in mortal fear uv nigger ekality ; and we
hev John Morrissey's constitooents.

These classes argyment won't move, and reasonin
won't faze. They like to abooze the Goverment for
levyin taxes, hopin to deseeve somebody into the
idea that they pay taxes, and that it bears hard onto
em ; and they oppose nigger ekality becoz it soothes
em, like laudnum, to think that there is somebody
in the country lower down than themselves. The
Dimocrisy alluz hed these, and alluz will.

Ez I remarked, the Ablishnists, when releeved uv
the pressure now bearin onto em, will grow fractious,
and split, and these classes will hev no trouble to git
into a majority, and then our time comes.

The discouraged Dimokrat may say that preech-
ers, and noosepapers, and Sundy skools, and sich,
are underminin their party. In time they will, but
not yet. There is still whisky in the land, and the
nigger is not yet extinct. Uv wat danger is preech-
ers to these men, when yoo coodent git one uv em
within gun-shot uv one? and wat harm is noose-
papers to em, when they can't read? Besides, we
are not at the end uv our resources yet. When the
wust comes to the wust, there is the nigger left us.
When he is no longer uv use to us ez he is now, —

A Few Last Words. 297

when the prejoodis is so far removed ez to invest
him with the suffrage, — then we'll give him the
ballot, — we'll lead him up out uv Egypt, and we'll
make him vote with us. The Dimocrisy never yet
failed to control all uv the lower orders uv sosiety.
They hev the lowest grade uv the furriners ; they
hev Delaware and Maryland ; they hev Noo York
city and Suthern lUinoy ; and ef the nigger gets the
ballot afore he does the spellin-book, he's ourn be-
yond peradvencher.

Again : Ef our politikel stumiks isn't yet toned
up to swallerin the nigger, we kin compermise on
the Mexican. That country Johnscm hez his eagle
eye on now, and ef we demand it, he'll take it.
Wat a glorious prospeck opens to us ! Mexico
wood cut up into at least twenty States, wich, added
to the ten we hev, wood make a clean majority wich
we cood hold for years. Massachoosets cood do
nuthin in Mexico. The Greasers ain't adapted to
Massachoosets. Ef they sent their long-haired teach-
ers there with their spellin books, they'd end their
labors by lettin a knife into their intestines for the
clothes they wore, wich wood put a check on the
mishnary biznis. They are, it is troo, several de-
grees lower in the skale uv humanity than the nig-
gers, but then they ain't niggers, and we cood marry

298 SwiNGiN Round the Cirkle.

em without feelin that we'd degraded ourselves.
Ther is undoubtedly cusses on em, but the only cuss
we hev Constooshnel objections to is the cuss uv
Ham, and that they ain't labrin under. JSiexico
affords us room for hope ; we never shel run out uv
material for Dimocratic votes until she is convertid,
and but few mishiianes wood hev the nerve to
tackle her.

Therfore I say to the Dimocrisy, be uv good
cheer ! Ther's a brite day a dawnin. We hev now
the Post OfBsis, and nothin short uv an impeach-
ment kin take em from us for two years. We may
be beaten in 1868 ; it may be that our managin men
promised the nominashen to our present Head — A.
Johnson ; but I hope not. Ef we are laid out agin,
we kin console ourselves with the reflection that
we're yoost to it, and we kin go on hopin for the
good time that must come.

Let us hold onto our faith, and continyoo to run,
hopin eventooally to be glorified. Let us remember
that all the majorities agin us don't change the fact
that Noah cust Ham, and that Hagar wuz sent back
to her mistress. Let us remember that Paul, or
some one uv them possels, remarked, " Servance,
obey yoor masters," and that, under Ablishn rool,
wc are exposed to the danger uv marryin niggers.

A Few Last Words. 299

Let us still cherish the faith that evenchooally, when
reason returns, the Amerikin people will not throw
away the boon we offer em uv fillin the cuss uv
labor imposed by the Almity for disobedience in the
garden, ez the Dimocrisy served in the army, by
substitoot, and persevere even unto the perfeck end.
When this good time is come, then will the anshent
Dimocrisy, uv wich I hev bin to-wunst a piller and
a ornament for thirty years, triumph, and the posi-
tion wich I now hold, wich is rather too temporary
to be agreeable, be continyood unto me for keeps,
and layin off the armor uv actooal warfare, I shel
rest in that hivenuv worn-out patriots, — a per
petooal Post Offis. May the day be hastened!
Fare%vell !

Petrolexbi V. Nasby, P. M.

(wich is Foatmaster).

The End.

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Louisville Courier-Journal.
ENGLAND FROM A BACK WINDOW; With Views of

Scotland and Ireland
By J. M, Bailev, the " ' Danbury News' Man." i2mo. $1.00.

" The peculiar humor of this writer is well known. The British Isles have
never before been looked at in just the same way, — at least, not by any one
who has notified us of the fact. Mr. Bailey's travels possess, accordingly, a
value of their own for the reader, no matter how many previous records of
journeys in the mother country he may have read." — Rochester Express.

Sold by all boohselters, and sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of price

LEE AND SHEFABD Fublishers Boston

1

EE AND«^^- nOPULAR

p

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Price, each, in cloth, 60 cents, except when other price is giTen.

Warrington's Manual. A Manual for the Information of Officera
and Members of Legialatui-es, Couveutions, Societies, etc., in the practical
governing and membership of ail such bodies, according to the Farlia.
mentary Law and J:*ractice in the United States. By W. 8. lioBiNSON
( Warrington).

Practical Boat-Sailing. By Douglas Feazak. Classic size, $1.00.
With numerous diagrams and illustrations.

Handbook of 'Wood Engraving. With practical instructions in
the art, for persons wishing to team without an instructor. By William
A. Emerson. Illustrated. Piice $1.00.

Pive-Minute Hecitations. Selected and arranged by Walteb K.

FOBES.

Pive-Miuute Declamations. Selected and arranged by Walteb

K. FOBES.

Pive-]Vrinute Headings for IToung Ladies, Selected and adapted

by WALTER K. FOBES.

Educational Psychology. A Trfatise for Parents and Educators.
By Louise Parsons Hopkins, Supervisor in Boston Public Schools.

The Nation in a Nutshell. A Rapid Outline of American History.
By George Makepeace Towle.

English Synonymes Discriminated. By Richard Whatelt, D.D.,
Archbishop of Dublin. A new edition.

Hints on 'Writing and Speech-making. By Thomas Wentworth

HlGGINSON.

Arithmetic for Young Children. Being a series of Exercises
exemplifying the manner in which Arithmetic should be taught to young
children. By Horace Grant. American Edition. Edited by Willard

6MALL.

Bridge Disasters in America. The Cause and the Remedy. By
Prof. George L. Vose.

A Pew Thoughts for a Young Man. By Horace Mann. A new
Edition.

Handbook of Debate. The Character of Julius Caesar. Adapted
from J. Sheridan Knowles. Arranged for Practice in Speaking, for
Debating Clubs, and Classes in Public and Private Schools.

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LEE AND SHEPARD Publishers Boston

HARRY W. FRENCH'S BOOKS.

THE ONLY ONE. A Novel. 16mo. Cloth. $1.00.

"The Only One" is a powerful story, dealing -with the ligbtfl hnd
Bhadows of life ia America, Naples, and Persia. Writteu in a dashing
style, sometimes deeply tragic, at others humorous in the extreme, it
presents pictures of human life that attract and interest by their natural-
ness aud vividuess.

CASTLE FOAM; or. The Pauper Prince. A story of real
life, true love, and intrigue in the bi-illiant capital of Prussia.
12mo. $1.50.

*'A novel of remarkable power, and strangely unlike any yet written
by ap American. There is something in the beauty and intensity of
expression that reminds one of Bulwer in his best days." — Cincinnati
Commercial.
NUNA, THE BRAMIN GIRL. 16mo. Cloth. $1,25.

" This book is beautifully written, and abounds in novel and dramatic
incidents." — St. Louis Globe Democrat.

EGO, The Life Struggles ofXawrence Edwards. 16mo.

Cloth. $1.00.
"Both an interesting and an exciting work, written with freedom,
effectiveness, aud power." — Philadelphia Item.

GEMS OP GENIUS. 4to. Eluminated covers. G-ilt. $2.00.

" Fifty full-page illustrations, selected from the art-works of as many
foreign painters, with text descriptive of each, from the pen of one of
our native Ruskins." — New - York Mail.

ART AND ARTISTS. A history of the birth of art in America,

with biographical studies of many prominent American artiste, and

nearly one hundred lllus. from their studios. Cloth. Gilt. $3,001

"A work that will grow in value every year, showing the most patient

research and elaboration, skilfully executed, and admirably worked up.

An honor to the author, an honor to the publishers, an honor to the

country," — 2few-¥ork Evening Post.

OUR BOYS IN INDIA. The wanderings of two young Americana

in Hindustan, with their exciting adventures on the sacred rivers

and wild mountains. AVith 145 illustrations. Royal octavo, 7 x Qj

inches. Bound in emblematical covers of Oriental design, $1.75.

Cloth, black and gold. $2.50.

A new edition of the most popular of books of travel for young folks,

Issued last season. While it has all the exciting Interest of a romance,

it is remarkably vivid in its pictures of manners and customs in the land

of the Hindu. The illustrations are many and excellent.

OUR BOYS IN CHINA. The adventures of two young Ameri-
cans, wrecked in the China Sea on their return from India, with
their strange wanderings through the Chinese Empire. 188 Illus-
trations. Boards, ornamental covers in colors and gold, $1.75.
Cloth, $2.50.
After successfully starting the young heroes of his previous book,
"Our Boys in India," on their homeward trip, the popular lecturer,
extensive traveller, and remarkable story-teller, has them wrecked in tho
China Sea, saved, and transported across China ; giving him an opportu-
nity to spread for young folks an appetizing feast of good things.

told by all booksellers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt o/ privet

LEE &, SHEPARD, Publishers, Boston.

STANDARD ELOCUTIONARY BOOKS.

BTVE-MINUTE DECLAMATIONS. Belected and adapted bjf

Walter K. Fobbs, teacher of elocution and public reader; author

of " Elocution Simplified." Cloth. 50 cents.
FIVE-MINUTE RECITATIONS. By Walter K. Fobes. Cloth.

50 ceuta.
FIVE-MINUTE READINGS, By Walter K. Fobes. Cloth.

50 ceutB.
Pupils In public schools on declamation days are limited to five minutes
each for the delivery of " pieces.*' There is a great complaint of the scarcity
of material for such a purpose, while the injudicious pruning of eloquent
extracts has often marred the desired effects. To obviate these diCBculties,
new " Five-Minute " books have been prepared by a competent teacher.
ELOCUTION SIMPLIFIED. With an appendix on Lisping, Stam-

mejing, and other Impediments of Speech. By Walter K. FobbS,

graduate of the '* Boston School of Oratory." 16mo. Cloth. 50 cents.

Faper, 30 cents.
** The whole art of elocution is succinctly set forth in this small volume*
■which might be judiciously included among the text-booka of schools." —
J^ew Orleans Picayune.

ADVANCED READINGS AND RECITATIONS. BvAustih
B. Fletcher, A.M., LL.B., Professor of Oratory, Brow.n Uuiversity,
and Boston University School of Law. This book has been already
adopted in a large number of Universities, Colleges, Post-graduate
Schools of Law and Theology, Seminaries, etc. 12mo. Cloth. $1.50.
** Professor Fletcher's noteworthy compilation has been made with rare
rhetorical judgment, and evinces a sympathy for the best forms of litera-
ture, adapted to attract readers and speakers, and mould their literary taste."
— Prop. J. W. Churchill, .4»irfoyfir Theological Seminary.
THE COLUMBIAN SPEAKER. Consisting of choice and ani-
mated pieces for declamation and reading. By Loomip J. Ca3IFBEll,
and Orin Root, Jun. 16mo. Cloth. 75 cents.
Mr. Campbell, as one of the editors of " Worcester's Dictionaries, " the
popular "Franklin Readers," and author of the successful little work,
•'Pronouncing Hand-Book of 3,000 Words," is well known as a thorough
Bcholar. Mr. Root is an accomplished speaker and instru*itor in the West;
and both, through experience knowing the need of such a work, are well
qualified to prepare it. It is a genuine success.

VOCAL AND ACTION-LANGUAGE, CULTURE AND
EXPRESSION. By E. N. Kirey, teacher of elocution in the Lynn
High Schools. 12mo. Eoglish cloth binding. Price, $1.25.
"Teachers and students of the art of public speaking, in any of its formSi

will be benefited by a liberal use of this practical hand-book." — Pr(^.

Churchill.

KEBNE'S SELECTIONS. Selection for reading and elocution. A
hand-book for teachers and Btudents. By J. W. Keene, A.M.| MJD*
Cloth. $1.
** An admirable selection of practical pieces."

LITTLE PIECES FOR LITTLE SPEAKERS. The primary
school teacher's assistant. By a practical teacher. 16mo. Illustrated.
75 cents. Also in boards, 60 cents. Has had an immense sale.

THE MODEL SUNDAY-SCHOOL SPEAKER. Containing
selections, in prose and verse, from the most popular pieces and dialogues
for Sunday-school exhibitions. lUust. Cloth. 75 ceuta. Boardsi 60 ceatB.
^Ji. book very much needed."

Special terms to teachers and classes

LEE AND SHEPARD Publishers Boston

R QQK8 OF PflRTICULRR INTEREST ....
TO yOUNG MEN MP WOMEN

HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

His Life, His Works, His Friendships. By George Lowell Austin.

Profusely illustrated. Cloth, $2.00. New edition. Formerly published by

subscription.

" We have here a clear and popular presentation of the poet's literary life.
The details of his personal and private life, or at least so much of it as belongs
by right strictly to his family, has been avoided, and that properly. What the
public have a right to know is found in this volume, in a style that is easy and
pleasing. Here you have Longfellow as a child, as a college student, and as
a professor in Bowdoin College; and especially does he appear here as a man
of letters. It is a charming volume." — Christian Standard.

LIFE AND TIMES OF WENDELL PHILLIPS
By George Lowell Austin. With steel portrait and illustrations. Cloth,

$1,50. New edition. The only complete Life of the great agitator.

" The life of a man who was so strongly identified with one of the most
stirring periods in American history must necessarily be one of much interest,
and Mr. Austin has succeeded in presenting its features in a very attractive
way. Portions of Mr. Phillips's most important public addresses are given,
and there are reminiscences of the man by some of his close friends and asso-
ciates." — Philadelphia Record.

Wendell Phillips's Lectures, Orations, and Letters, to 1861. 563 pages.

Library edition. 8vo $2 50

Popular edition, with Biographical Sketch, i6mo i 00

The Scholar in a Republic. Paper, 8vo 25

Eulogy of Garrison. Paper, 8vb 25

Lost Arts. Paper, 8vo 25

Daniel O'Connell. Paper, 8vo 25

Labor Question. Paper, 8vo 25

LIFE AND DEEDS OF GENERAL U. S. GRANT
By Rev, P. C. Headley and George Lowell Austin. Profusely illustrated.

Cloth, $1.50.

The materials for the early years of the subject of this popular biography
were furnished by the immediate friends and relatives of his family. The
events bearing upon the war history are based upon the recognized authorities,
and will stand the test of military criticism. The work is intensely interesting,
and exceedingly popular.

Oliver Optic's OUR STANDARD BEARER

Or the Life of General Ulysses S. Grant, his youth, his manhood, his cam-
paign, and his eminent services in the reconstruction of the nation his sword
has redeemed, as seen and related by Captain Bernard Gallvgasken, Cos-
mopolitan, and written out by Oliver Omc. A new edition, with supple-
mentary chapters, containing the political life of the general, his travels
abroad, his sickness and death. Cloth; illustrated by Thomas Nast and
others, elegantl]r bound, $1.50.
" It is written in Mr. Adams's happiest vein, and is a most unique and

interesting presentation of a subject upon which volumes have been written

and read."

Sold by all booksellers, and sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of price

T.P.P. AXD SHEFAED Publishers Boston

J. T. TROWBRIDGE'S NOVELS.

NEW U NIFORM E DITION.

FARNELIi'S FOLLT.

■* As a 'N'ovel of American Society, this book tias never "been BUTpaBsed.
Hearty in style and wholesome in tone. Its pathos often melting to
tears, its humor always exciting merriment."

CUDJO'S CAVE.

Tjiko ** Uncle Tom's Cahin," thds thrilling story was a stlmnlatliia
power in the civil war, and had an immense sale. Secretary Chase, oi
President Lincoln's cabinet, said of it, "I could not help reading it: it
interested and impiessed me profoundly. '

THE THREE SCOUTS.

Another popular book of the same stamp, of which " The Boston Tran-
script" said, "It promises to have a larger sale than 'Cudjo's Cave,*
It is irppoesible to open the volume at any page without being struck by
the qmck movement and pervading anecdote of the story."

THE DRUMMER BOY.

A Story of Burnsidc's Expedition. Illustrated by F. O. C. Daslet.

" The most popular book of the season. It will sell without pushing."
— Zion's Eeratd.

MARTIN MERRIVALE: His X Mark.

•* Strong in humor, pathos, and unabated interest. In none of the books
Issued from the American press can there be found a purer or more deli-
cate sentunent, a more genuiue good taste, or a nicer appreciation and
brighter delineation of character." — English Journal,

NEIGHBOR JACKAVOOD.

A story of New-England life In the slave-tracking days. Dramatized
for the Boston Museum, it had a long run to crowded houses. The story
is one of Trowbridge's very best.

COUPON BONDS, and other Stories.

The leading story is undoubtedly the most popular of Trowbridge'fl
short stories. The others ai-e varied in character, but are either intensely
interesting or " highly amusing."

NEIGHBORS' "WIVES.

An ingenious and well-told story. Two ueighbore* wives are tempted
beyond their strength to resist, and steal each from the other. One is
discovered in the act, under ludicrous and humiliating circumstances,
but 's generously pardoned, with a promise of secrecy. Of course she
L^t/d^'B her secret, and of course perplexities come. It is a capital story.

X2mo. Cloth. Price per volume, fl .60.

Sold by all booluellera and newsdealers, and sent by mail, postpaiOr
on receipt of prices

^ forV^ • • • »gy-

OPULAR
AUTHORS

AN AMERICAN GIRI. ABROAD.

By Adeline F. Trafton. i6mo, cloth, illustrated. $1.50.
Jne of the most bright, chatty, wide-awake books of travel ever written. It abounds
\ information, is as pleasant reading as a story book, and full of the wit and sparkle ot
" An American Girl " let loose from school and ready for a frolic.

ONIiT GIRLS.

By Virginia F. Townsend, Author of " That Queer Girl," &c., &c. i2mo, cloth,

illustrated. $1.50.

" It is a thrilling story, written in a, fascinating style, and the plot is adroitly handled."

It might be placed in any Sabbath School library, so pure is it in tone, and yet it is so

free from the mawkishness and silliness that mar the class of books usually found there,

that the veteran novel reader is apt to finish it at a sitting.

THE DOCTOR'S DAUGHTER.

By Sophie May, Author of " Our Helen,'* " The Asbury Twins," &c. i2mo, cloth,
illustrated. $1.50.

** A delightful book, original and enjoyable," says the BroTvnmlle Kcko.

" A fascinating story, unfolding, with artistic touch, the young life of one of our im-
pulsive, sharp-witted, transparent ajid pure-minded girls of the nineteenth century,"
says The Contributor^ Boston.

SALLT WILLIAMS.

The Mountain Girl. By Mrs. Edna D. Cheney, Author of " Patience," " Social
Games,** *'The Child of the Tide," &c. i2mo, cloth, illustrated. $1.50.
Pure, strong, healthy, iust what might be expected from the pen of so gifted a writer
as Mrs. Cheney. A very interesting picture of life among the New Hampshire hills,
enlivened by the tangle of a story of the ups and downs of every-day life in this out-
of-the-way locality. The characters introduced are quaintly original, and the adven-
tures are narrated with remarkable skill.

LOTTIE EAMES.

Or, do your best and leave the rest. By a Popular Author. z6mo, illus. $1.50.
*' A wholesome story of home life, full of lessons of self-sacrifice, but always bright
and attractive in its varied incidents."

RHODA THORNTON'S GIRLHOOD.

By Mrs. Mary E. Pratt. i6mo, cloth, illustrated. $1.50.
A hearty and healthy story, dealing with young folks and home scenes, with sleighi
ingt fishing and other frolics to make things lively.

The above six volumes are furnished in a handsome boXf/or %q.oo% or sold
separately by all booksellers^ or sent by tnaily Post^aidt on receipt 0/ price by

L££ AND SHBPARD, Publishers Boston.

OF- History

By GEORGE MAKEPEACE TOWLE.

Handaomely Illuetrated. Price per vol., $1.25. Sets in neat "bosSB,

VASCO DA GAMA:

HIS VOVAOES AND ADVENTURES.

•' Da Gama's history is full of striking adventures, thrilling incidents, and
perilous situations; and Mr. Towle, while not sacrificing historical accuracy,
has so skilfully used bis materials, that we have a charmingly romantic tale."
— Rural Mew- Yorker.

PIZARRO:
HIS ADVENTURES AND CONQUESTS.

" No hero of romancepossesses greater power to charm the youthful reader
than the conqueror of Peru. Not even King Arthur, or Thaddeus of War-
saw, has the power to captivate the imagination of the growing boy. Mr.
Towle has bandied his subject in a glowing but truthful manner; and we.
venture the assertion, that, were our children led to read such boobs as this,
the taste for unwholesome, exciting, wrong-teaching boys' books — dime
novels in books' clothing — would be greatly diminished, to the great gain of
mental force and moral purpose in the rising generation." — Chicago Alliance,

MAGELLAN;

OR, THE FIRST VOYAGE ROUND THE WORLD.

** What more of romantic and spirited adventures any bright boy couid
want than is to be found in this series of historical biography, it is diflsculfc
to imagine. This volume is written 'n a most sprightly manner; and the
life of its hero, Fernan Magellan, with its rapid stride from the softness of
a petted youth to the sturdy courage and persevering fortitude of manhood,
makes a tale of mui^^ellous fascination." — Christian Union,

MARCO POLO:

HIS TRAVELS AND ADVENTURES.

"The story of the adventurous Venetian, who six hundred years agopene
trated into India and Cathay and Thibet and Abyssinia, is plea&anily and
clearly told ; and nothing better can be jput into the hands of the school boy
or girl than this series of the records of noted travellers. The heroism dis- *
played by these men was certainly as great as that ever shown by conquering
warrior; and it was exercised in a far nobler cause, — the cause of knowledge
and discovery, which has made the nineteenth century what it is." ^.Graphic,

RALEGH:

HIS EXPLOITS AND VOVAGES.

•' This belongs to the ' Young Folks' Heroes of History * series, and deals

with a greater and more interesting man than anyof its predecessors. \Viih

all the black spots on his fame, there are ftw more brilliant and striking

figures in English history than the soldier, sailor, courtier, author, and ex.

filorer, Sir Walter Ralegh. Even at this distance of time, more than two
umdred and fifty years after his head fell on the scaflfbld, we cannot read his
etory without emotion. It is graphically written, and is pleasant reading,
not only for young folks, but for old folks with young hearts." — Woman^t
JoumaL

DRAKE:

THE SEA-LION OF DEVON.

Drake was the foremost sea-captain of his age, the first English admiral

to send a ship cojipletcly round the world, the hero of the maguificenl

victory which the English won over the Invincible Armada. His cai-eer waa

stirring, bold, and adventurous, from early youth to old age.

LEE AND SHEFABB, PubUshers, Boston.