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Full text of "Hood's own; or, Laughter from year to year. Being a further collection of his wit and humour"

CORNELL 

UNIVERSITY 

LIBRARY 




BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME 
OF THE SAGB ENDOWMENT 
FUND GIVEN IN 1891 BY 

HENRY WILLIAMS SAGE 



Cornell University Library 
PN 6175.H77 1862 



Hood's own 




3 1924 027 183 304 



Cornell University 
Library 



The original of tliis book is in 
tlie Cornell University Library. 

There are no known copyright restrictions in 
the United States on the use of the text. 



http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027183304 



HOOD'S OWN: 



aigitet tmm ¥eaa? U Wmu 



BEING A FURTHER COLLECTION OP EIS WIT AND HUMOUR, WITH A 
PREFACE BY HIS SON. 




SECOKD SERIES. 



LONDON: 

EDWAED MOXON & CO., DOVER STEEET. 

1862. 



?i7f^\ 



LONDOX ! 
ERADBURT AND EVANS, PRIKTERa, WHITEFBIABS. 



^ 




PREFACE. 



r 



My first idea, on sitting down to prepare a preface for the 
Second Series of "Hood's Own," was to have recourse to 
my father's prefaces to the 
old " Comic Annuals," 
those " Anniversaries of the 
Literary Fim' " (as their 
wrapper designated them), 
whose opening speeches I 
felt sure would he far hetter 
than anything I could de- 
vise. But any such inten- 
tion was nipped in the hud 
by the first one I opened 
upon. There I found the 
foUowiag passage : — 

"Nothing is more diffi- 
cult than to address the 

Public annually on the same subject : a fact well understood 
by the Beadle of my old precinct of St. M***** B*****, 




PEEFAOE. 



who, as usual, presented me at Christmas tide with a copy 
of verses. Instead of the scriptural doggerel, however, which 
used to fiU up his broadside, and which indeed had become 
sufficiently stale and irksome, the sheet exhibited a selection 
of Elegant Extracts from our Standard Authors ; and by no 
means a bad assortment, if our Scarabseus Parochialis had not 
most whimsically garbled the pieces to suit a purpose of his 
own. Finding, perhaps, that original composition was beyond 
his bounds, that Parnassus, in fact, was not in his Parish, he 
had contrived, by here and there interpolating a line or two of 
his own, to adapt the lays of our British Bards to his Carol. 
For instance, Gray's celebrated Elegy in a Country Church- 
yard, was thus made to do duty after this fashion. 

The Ciirfew tolls the knell of parting day, 

The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea, 
The ploughman homeward plods his weai-y way — 

And this is CJirislmas Em, and here I lei 

Now fades the glimmering landscape on the sight, 

And all the air a solemn stUlness holds, 
Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight, 

Save Queen Victoria, who the sceptre holds ! 

Save that from yonder ivy-mantled tower 
The moping owl docs to the moon complain^ 

Save all Hie ministers that be in power, 
Save all IJk Royal Sovereigns Oiat reign t 

Let not ambition mock their useful toU, 

Their homely joys and destiny obscm-e ; 
Nor grandeur hear with a disdainful smile. 

The Parish Beadle calling at the dom- 1 

Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife. 

Their sober wishes never learn'd to stray ; 
Along tlie cool sequester'd vale of life, 

Tlicy kept the apple-women's stalls away ! 

Yet e'en their bones from insult to protect. 

Some frail memorial still erected nigh ; 
With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture deck'd 

lU nmer lets the children play tlierehy. 



PREFACE. 

Haply some hoary-headed swain may say, 
Oft have we seen him at the break of dawn, 

Brushing with hasty steps the dews away, 
To meet the Severend Vicar all in lawn/ 

Ono morn I miss'd him on the 'custom'd hiU, 
Along the heath, and near his favourite tree ; 

Another came, nor yet heside the rill, 
Nor at the Magpie and the Stump was he I 

The next vnth hat and staff, and iiew array, 
Along all sorts of streets we saw him borne ; 

Approach and read (for thou can'st read) the lay 
Me always Imngs upon a Christmas mom I 

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere. 
Heaven did a recompense as largely send ; 

He gave to misery (all he had) a tear. 
And never failed mi Stmdays to attend I 

No further seek his merits to disclose. 

Or draw his frailties from their dread abode ; 

Wliere they alike in trembling hope repose, 
John Bugsby, Number Thirteen, Tibiald's Soad." 



Of course the perusal of tHs at once pointed out to me, 
that in stringing together the old " Comic Addresses," I 
should he as involuntarily comic as John Bugshy, the Parish 
Beadle. 

Not without some regret, therefore, that those most laugh- 
able, yearly prologues should lapse by lapse of time, I have 
determined to confine myself in these preliminary observations 
to the materials and the form of the volume they are to 
ccompany. 

The time of Annuals is gone by. The " Forget-me-not " is 
forgotten, the " Souvenir " has passed from remembrance, and 
" Friendship's Offering " no longer, like " Friendship's Volun- 
teered Advice" goes in at one year and comes out at the 
other. 

The First Series of "Hood's Own" may be said to have 
marked the very time when the change in the isgue of 



PREFACE. 



periodicals took place. Public opinion preferred a monthly 
number to a yearly volume, and the publications bowed to the 
decree. The " Forget-me-not " and others of its class left no 
representatives— but the "Comic" found a successor in the 
monthly shilling number of "Hood's Own"— the humour 
being checked in one place only to break out in another. 

But the " Comics " were not entirely exhausted when 
unexpected cu-cumstances brought the issue of the " Hood's 
Own " numbers to a stand-still. Ample materials were still 
left to assist in the formation of a Second Series. 

Although Thomas Hood has been dead fifteen years, his 
fame, instead of dying out, is on the increase : — indeed, Time 
has rather added to, than obscm'ed his popularity, and his 
writings find an ever-increasing circle of readers in England, 
while in America he is almost better known than in his own 
country. 

Under these circumstances, and in compliance with a very 
general wish on the part of the public, it has been determined 
to publish a collected edition of his works as complete and 
uniform as circumstances will allow. 

As regards the present volume, the more immediate subject 
of this preface, it will be seen that various reasons— the 
number of wood-cuts chiefly— render it necessary to present it 
to the public in a form which it would not be convenient to 
continue through the whole series of works. With tlie excep- 
tion, however, of the two volumes of " Hood's Own," the 
collection will be uniform. 

This, then, is the cause of the embodiment of " Whims and 
Oddities " with " Hood's Own." They could not, with tlieir 
illustrations, be included in the projected series. The cuts of 
" Up the Rhine," (the text of which will be shortly reprinted) 



FEIIFACE. 



Vll 



are, for a similar reason," iiacorporated in the present 
volume. 

Thus far for the illustrations — for the letter-press we have 
had recourse to the old "London," "Hood's Magazine," the 
" Whimsicalities," " Whims and Oddities," and to four or 




FIVE "COMIC AWNUALS.' 



T. H. 



y^^=- 




'MIKTH, ADMIT ME OF TOUR CEEW. 




TABLE OP CONTENTS. 



Preface . . . . . . . 

The Carnaby Correspondenoe . . . 

A Rise at the Father of Angling . . . 

Eight and Wrong ; a Sketch at Sea . . 
Patronage ...... 

" Napoleon's Midnight Review ; " a New Version 
Animal Magnetism ..... 

The Porlorn Shepherd's Complaint ; an Unpublished Poem from 
Sidney ........ 

Review. — The Rambles of Piscator : by Sylvanus Suburban 
Clubs, turned up by a Female Hand .... 

A New Song from the Polish . 

Hints to the Horticultural .... 

Stanzas composed in a Shower-Bath . 
Ode to J. S. Buckingham, Esq., M.P. . 

The Fatal Bath 

The United Family 

A Letter from an Absentee 

An Intercepted Dispatch .... 

Poetry, Prose, and "Worse 

HitchinHaU ...... 

Sketches on the Road. — The Wonderful Dog 

The Fresh Horse 
The Dead Robbery 
Spanish Pride : a Yam .... 

John Jones : a Pathetic Ballad 



au 
1 
20 
25 
30 
38 
40 

47 
50 
56 
69 
64 
69 

ro 

81 
90 
96 
102 
105 
110 
113 
117 
121 
128 
131 



COKTBNTS, 



An Irishman . . ■ • ■ 

Domestic Poems . • • 

The Corresponding Club 
Queries in Natural History 
Lord Durham's Return 

Tlie Character 

The Assistant Drapers' Petition . 
Sketches on the Road. — The Railway 
Second Nature . . . ■ ■ 

Epigram ...••■ 
Ali Ben Nous : a Fable 
The New Lodger . . . . - 

Pompey's Ghost : a Pathetic Ballad 
The War with China ... 
A Popular Fallacy .... 
"Up the Rhine" .... 
Notin"Boz" .... 

A Bull 

Speculations of a Naturalist 

A Reflection ...... 

A Sketch oflf the Road 

Anacreontic ..... 

A Caution ..... 

A Popular Fallacy .... 

The Pursuit of Letters 

Riddle 

Suspended Animation r 

The Schoolmistress Abroad ; an Extravaganza 

No! 



A Sea-Totaller 

Howqua ...... 

Epigram on Mrs. Parkes's Pamphlet 

An Extraordinary Operation 

The Earth-Quakers .... 

The Grimsby Ghost .... 

Sir John Bowring ..... 

The Repeal of the Union . 

A Sketch on the Road .... 

Epigram on a late Cattle-Show in Smithfield 
Epigram ...... 

Hydropathy, or the Cold Water Cure . 
Mr. Chubb ; a Piscatory Romance . 



CQKTENTS. 



Road 



A very So-so Character 

Party Spirit ..... 

Epigram : the Superiority of Maohinpry 

Notes on Shakespeare 

Suggestions by Steam 

News from China .... 

New Harmony ..... 

The Lark and the Rook : a Fable . 

The Happiest Man in England : a Sketch on the 

An Undertaker .... 

A First Attempt in Rhyme 

Horse and Foot .... 

The Captain's Cow ; a Nautical Romance 

Mr. Withering's Consumption, and its Cure 

A Reflection on New Year's Eve 

A Hard Case ..... 

English Betrogreasion .... 

The little Browns .... 

Skipping : a Mystery .... 

An Epigram ..... 

The Omnibus : a Sketch on the Road 

Moral Reflections on the Cross of St. Paul's 

The Prayse of Ignorance ........ 387 

Epigram on a certain Equestrian Statue at the Royal Exchange . 390 

A Valentine 391 

394 
395 
396 
396 
397 
399 
401 
404 
411 
412 
413 
415 
418 
420 
421 
424 
425 



313 
313 
313 
314 
315 
316 
339 
340 
342 
350 
353 
355 
300 
362 
372 
373 
375 
377 
380 
380 
381 
385 



Anacreontic ....... 

A Morning Thought ...... 

"Please to Ring the Belle " . . . . 

On a certain Locality ..... 

On the Popular Cupid ..... 

Backing the Favourite ...... 

A Complaint against Greatness .... 

The Mermaid of Margate ..... 

My Son, Sir ! 

The Surplice Question 

As it Fell upon a Day ..... 

The SpoUed Child 

The Fall of the Deer 

December and May ...... 

A Winter Nosegay ... . . . 

Equestrian Courtship . . ... 

"She is Far from the Land" 







CONTENTS. 



Epigram on Lieutenant Eyre's Narrative of the Disasters at 

Fancies on a Tea-Cup 

Walton Eedivivus ; a New-Kirer Eclogue 

Epigram . . . • • 

The Sea-SpeU 

A New Life. Preserver . 

Fancy Portraits 

A Ballad Singer 

Mary's Ghost ; a Pathetic BaUad 

The Progress of Art 

A School for Adults . 

Epigram .... 

The Decline of Mrs. Shakerly 

Tim Turpin ; a Pathetic BaUad 

Banditti . . ■ ■ 

Craniology . , . 

" Nothing but Hearts ! " . 

Jack Hall 

An Affair of. Honour 

The Wee Man ; a Romance 

Pythagorean Fancies . 

" Don,'t You Smell Fire. 2 " 
A Ma^iage Procession 

The Widow . 

A Mad Dog. 

Pirouettes 

Epigram on .the Art Unions 

Ode to the Cameleopard . 

A Legend of Navarre 

An Absentee 

The Demon-Ship 

An Explanation ; by One of the Livery 

Sally Holt, and the Death of John Hayloft 

Epigram on the Depreciated Money 

John Trot ; a Ballad . 

Epigram on the Chinese Treaty 

The Monkey-Martyr 

On the Portrait of a Lady. Taken by tho Daguerreoty 

Epigram on the New Half-farthings 

The Volunteer ....... 



Cabul 



po 



HOOD'S OWN 



SECOND SERIES. 




A LEADIKQ ARTICLE. 



THE CARNABY CORRESPONDENCE. 



J 



There is no estimate more ludicrous than that which is formed by 
unthinking persons of the powers of Authors. Thus, when a gentleman 
has once written a Book, say, on Domestic Medicine, it is popularly 
supposed that he is competent to compose a work on any subject what- 
ever, from Transcendental Philosophy down to Five Minutes' Advice on 
the Teeth. Something of the kind is observable in the Autobiography 
of Brasbridge, the Silversmith, of Fleet Street, who tells us that after 
the publication of his Memoirs, be was hailed by a fellow-citizen with 

SECOND SERIES, B 



2 TH13 CAENABY COliBESPONDEKCE. 

"So you have written a book !-why, for the future I shall call you 
Shakspeare i " as if the recorder of a set of " fiddle-headed anecdotes 
became, ipso facto, on a par with the creator of Othello. For another 
instance I can refer to my own humble experience. The anti-antiquarian 
nature of my literary researches is sufficiently well known ; yet it did 
not prevent a grave retrospective-looking gentleman from one day con- 
cluding an account of some inedited architectural remains near White- 
ball, with " I wonder now that you, as a writer, have never taken up 
the subject ! " The worthy F.A.S. might as well have suggested a plot 
for a Farce to Sylvanus Urban ; — but such is the general opinion of the 
universality of a genius that prints. Bearing this tendency in mind, it 
will not seem so extraordinary that the following correspondence should 
be placed in the hands of the Editor of the Comic Annual by a respect- 
able tradesman, who alfirmed with tears in his eyes, that " it was a 
grave subject, worthy of the serious consideration of the Public." 



No. I. — To Mister Benjamin Carxaby, 7, Briijantine Row, DejUford, 
London. [With Spead.) 
Deer Bhuthek, 
I am trully sory to arrow up yure relativ felings But it do seam to 
Me as my deer Bob is beeing shamfuUy lltretid at his Skull. Inclosd 
is the pore fellars too letters the last jist cum to hand, And were sicli a 
bio to fathurly felings I have newer bean my hone Man ewer sins. Id 
appeer he hav wel ni bin Starvd. Prays God his pore Muther is coalJ 
under the Hearth, it wud spile the rest of hir hashes if so be she coud 
read his tail of pewtered meet. If she ad a delite hear abuv it were 
childrins legs strate And there Bellis well fild partickly groin up Yulhs 
— and She wood av run creazy to think of tlie Constitushun bein rewind 
for ewer and ever with turnd tabil Bear. And you too I no you will 
blead at Art for the mizriz of yure pore Nevy But I hop you will old 
up under it tho it be as it war a thunderboult on us boath. In respex 
of Larning it seam his mind hav bin reglectid to be nurrisht up as well 
as is bodely Fram even to cumpare the too Leters my Bob rite a site 
better gud Inglish nor his Master witch to my mind He mite hav dun 
grates at Home in loo of paiug sich mints of Munny for Skulling But 
wat disapints me Most next to his fammishin is the Greek and Lattin 
as I did sit my Art upon to hav won clasiole Skolkrd bransh in the 
famely. Them too hushers desarves a wiping at a carts tale, and so do 
that mawks with hir luv gammux in juvenal presents Much gud it wur 
my sendin him abuv a duzziu mile off from Lunnuu to uncorrup his 
morrils. Has for the Dockter I cud find in my hart to strip his 
dipplomer over his years with my hone ands wen i think that in loo of 
techin theyung idear how to shut he has mayhap stunted the Pore boys 
groth for hia lif to cum. But overpourin felings forebids my drawin 
moor picters of Bobs suffrin. I have had no stummuck ever sins the 
Post nockt me down with the Nus. But it wood not be becummin a 
parrcnt and a Farther to be revealing in luoksriz wile the Sun of his 



THE CAENABY COEEESPONDEKCE. 




hone lines ware revealing in fliblod beaf and vargis. To be shure these 
is felings that you as an unmarred man cant enter into at full lenth, but 
as hone Unkil by fleash and blud you will enter into the hard boord 
partickly aa yure hone coarse of lif as had its scrimps and cum shorts 
and tort you what it is to be 
pincht in yure Fud. Wi i 
mite as well hav sent him 
to a short communing York- 
sheer Skull at twenty pound 
per anum a yeer and had 
his close chuckt in to his 
Bed and bord. In the in- 
terium I hav forwardid him 
a cumfltting letter with a 
Won Pun Not to treet him- 
self to sumat moor stayin 
and suportin nor stal pastery, 
But I do hop and beg Doer 
Bruther to hav your senti- 
mints on the cas as you be 
moor caperble to advize me 
then I am, and not to delay 
riting if so be yure officious 
dutis purvent pearsonally 
quiting the yard. I wud 

have tuck a place on the Eumfud Stag and sit off at wons but Gowt 
forebid my cotcbing and so do Missis Rumsey for as yusial wen 
my felings is Frustratid all my Nervs is flone to my Fut. Pore Missis 
Eumsey simperthizes at evvery thing and is quit as upsit in her sperrits 
for as she say altho but Houskeper her Bowls yarns to Bob all as one 
with an hone hofifspring. She do say as Bobs a littel piggin brested 
and shoes simtoms of pullmary afection she trembil for fear pourness of 
blud sows seeds of sumthick fatle in his lunges. Indeed her mutherly 
hangsity offen remind a lass of her as lies volting in All allows barking. 
With witch I conclud with all brutherly luv, hopping to here by return 
of Poast. I no you seldim or newer anser peples favers partickly mine 
but I do hop as this hear is a matter of vittle importins you will devot 
a few minuets to 

Yure luving but afiicted Bruther 

John CARKAr.Y. 

P. S. If so be you thort best to poshay off xpressivly to Bob, watever 
is disburstid out of pockit my Puss shall kiver the hole. Praps you 
may lick him to be tuck away at wons for it wud be a thowsend pitis to 
brake his sperrit and he is rayther tender artid as you may gudge by 
wat he rite of his pore late muther. Well, hevin nose I war never in 
faver of turning Cots but if so be they wood reform the Skulls I wood 
jine the Wigs. 



THERE S A DEFICIEKCV ON THE QUARTER. 



THE CARNABY COKEESPONDEXCE. 



Ekclosube, No. I. — To John Caknaby, Esquire. Number 49, 
Polyanthus Place, Mile End Road, London. 

Honoured Parent, 

As the sight of his native Terra Firma to the hardy Mariner on tJie 
pathless waste of the vast expanse of Ocean, so are the filial affections 
of a Son and School boy to inform we break up on Friday the 21st 
Instant ; when I hope to find Yourself, comprising all my Relations and 
Friends, enjoying that greatest of Blessings, a state of salubrity. 

When we add to this the pleasing Sensation of scholastic Duties 
fulfilled with Attention, Industry, and Diligence, accompanied by a 
preponderating Progress in all juvenile Studies, Objects, and Pursuits, a 
sanguine expectation is indulged that the parental Sentiments of Satis- 
faction will be spontaneously conferred on the present half Year, 
participating however with a due regard to health, comfort, and morals. 
Indeed it would be precocious to anticipate otherwise by the unrelenting 
Vigilance and Inculcation evinced by our Guide, Philosopher, and 
Friend, Doctor Darby and Assistants, as likewise the more than 
maternal Solicitude betrayed by Mrs. Doctor D. who begs Leave to 
cordially unite with the Same in Respectful Compliments. 

I am happy to say the improvement I have made in the Latin and 
Greek Tongues, including French and Italian, has been very great and 
such as I trust to deserve and obtain his Parent's, Master's, Friend's 
and Wellwisher's warmest approbation and Esteem. And this Reflec- 
tion will be enhanced to reflect, that by being impressed upon by pious, 
virtuous, and loyal Principles, every juvenile Member of the Establish- 
ment is a firm and uncompromising Supporter and Defender of King, 
Church and State. 

I will now conclude by giving my best Love to all Relations and 
Friends, and accept the Same from 

Honoured Parent, 
Your Dutiful and Affectionate Son, 

Robert Carnabt. 



Enclosure, No. U. — From the Same to the Same. 

Dear Father, 
I hope you wont be angry at writing of my own Acord and if you like 
you may stop the postage out of what you mean to give me ne.x^t time, 
but the other letter was all a flam and didnt speak my real mind. The 
Doctor frumpt it all up out of his own head, and we all copied it out 
for all our fathers. What I want to tell you is as the holidays is so 
nigh, I do wish you would make up your mind for me to be took away 
for good and all. I dont like the victauls for one thing and besides I 
am allmost sure we are not well teached. The table beer always gives 
me the stomach ake if 1 dont tie a string tight round it and I only 



THE CARNABY CORRESPONDENCE. 



wish you see some of Mr. Murphy's ruling when he smells so of rum 
Another thing is the batter puddings which the fellows call it putty, 
because it sticks pains in our insides, and sometimes we have stinking 
beef. Tom Spooner has saved a bit on the sly to show parents, but it's 
so strong we are afeard it wont keep over the three weeks to the 
holidays, and we are treated like gaily slaves, and hare and hounds is 
forbid because last time the hare got up behind the Chelmsford Coach 
and went home to his friends in Leadenhall Marlcet. As for sums we 
know the ciphering Master has got a Tutors Key because theres a 
board at the bottom of his desk comes out with a little coaxing, and 
more than that hes a cruel savnge and makes love to l^Iasters daughter, 
and shes often courted 
in the school room be- 
cause its where her 
father dont come so 
much as anywheres else 
The new Footman is 
another complaint. The 
Doctor dont allow him 
nothing a year for his 
wages except his profits 
out of the boys with 
fruit and pastery, and 
besides being rotten and 
stale, hes riz burnt 
almonds twice since 
Micklemas. Then we 
are almost quite sure 
Monseur Le Smith 
dont know Italian at 
least we have always 
observed he never talks 
to the image boys, and 
the old Cook never fa- 
vours no one now except DRiivma up articles of sej-aeatiok. 

Carter with sop in pans 

ever since his Mother come to see him. And thats why I do hope at 
my next school you will raise my pocket money, its unpossible to tip 
handsome out of sixpence a week. Jackson saved enough to buy a 
Donkey and then divided him into shares and 1 had a shilling share 
but the Doctor were so unjust as seize on him altho there was no law 
agin bringing asses to the school. It was the same on Guy Fox day 
with our squibs and rockets which we was more mortified to hear them 
going off after we were in bed. I am certain sure we should have had 
a barring out in our school room long and long ago only the Doctor 
hardly ever wants to come in. Thats the way the ushers do just as 
they like in school hours and Mr. Huckings does a leathersellers 
bookkeeping and Mr. Snitch makes poetry for the newspapers. Its not 




e THE CARSABY COHEESPONDEKOE. 

mv fault then if I am backwards in my Greek and Latin tliougli I have 
cot a Prize for Spelling and Grammer but we all have prizes for 
something to please our parents when we go home. The only treat we 
bave is reddishes out of the garden when they are got old and burning 
hot and popgunny and them wont last long as masters going to keep 
pigs. I suppose then we shall have measely pork to match the stinking 
beef! The fellows say its because the Doctor swops Stokes's schooling 
agin butchers meat and as the edication is so very bad old Stokes on his 
part wont send in any better quality. Thats whats called mutual 
accommodation in the newspapers. Give my love to Mrs. Eumsey with 
thanks for the plum cake only next time more sweetmeat, and say I am 

almost sure I some- 
times sleep in a damp 
bed. I am certain sure 
Mrs. Rumsey would ad- 
vise you the same as I 
do, namely for me to be 
took away, without run- 
ning more risks, if it 
was only for fear of Mac 
Kenzie, for hes a regular 
tyrant and hectors over 
us all. Hes three parts 
a nigger and you caut 
punch his head so as to 
do any good, and only 
last Monday he was 
horsed for wanting to 
googe little Jones's eyes 
out and for nothing at 
all but just looking at his 
towel to see if the black 
come off. I am ready to 
take my drop down dead 
if it is not all faithfully 
true, Mao Keuzie and the beef and the Footman and all, and I do hope 
you will trust to my word and be agreable to my offer to be took away 
and I do hope it will be before next Saturday for that's Mr. Paynes 
visiting day, the Drawing Master as I call him, but some of the fellows 
have nick named him Sinbad because he hunted the elephants so for 
their teeth. Philip Frank says theres a capital school at Richmond 
where the Master permits fishing and boating and cigars and gunpowder 
and poney chaises for only sixty guineas a year. I often think if my 
poor dear late Mother was alive it is just the genteel sort of School she 
would like me to be finished off at. But thats as you prefer, and if you 
will only promise upon your honour to remove me I wont run away. I 
forgot to say I have very bad head akes sometimes besides the stomach 
akes and last week I was up in the nussery for behig feverish and 




THE OLD ORIGINAL RATLWAY. 



THE CAENABY C0RRESP0NDENC13. 7 

spott}', and I had to take antimonious wine but notliing made me sick 
except the gruel. Precious stuff it is and tastes like slate pencil dust 
and salt. I was in great hopes it was scarlet fever or something catch- 
ing that I might be sent home to you, but the fisician said my rash was 
only chickings or stinging nettles. Altogether I am so unhappy at not 
getting on in my learning that I do beg and pray to be took away, and 
I will be very dutiful and grateful all the rest of my days. Do, pray, 
do, and consider me down on my bended knees. And I will wish you 
every comfort in life if you will only provide for mine and I will pray 
for your gout to go away for ever and ever and then I will nurse your 
last days and be such a good son to you as never was except me. And 
in that case I owe three shillings to the footman and shouldn't like to 
leave the school in debt. I shall expect to see you come in all the 
coaches that go the road or at least that you will fetch me in a letter, 
and if I am disapointed I really do believe I shall go off my head or 
something. With which I remain 

Dear Father, 
Your dutiful and affectionate Son, 

Robert Caesabv. 



No. II. — To Mister John Carxaby, Number 49, Polyanthus Place, 
Mile End, London. 

Dear Brother, 
This is to acknowledge the favour of your family letter with 
enclosures, which came to hand as pleasant and welcome as a 4-inch 
shell, that is no great treat of itself, and discharges a worse lot of 
botheration from its inside. Between both I got as Port Royal a 
headache as a man need desire from a bottle of new rum, for which, as 
it's not unbrotherly to swear at a nevy, " dear Bob " and his school be 
d — d. As to my not answering letters, I always do, provided they're 
cither saucy or challenging ; in which case, like answering a broadside, 
it's a point of duty and honour to return as good as you get ; — but for 
swopping sweet civil lollipop letters, lick for lick, it's more than I would 
do with any female alive, let alone a man. And when yours are not 
lollipopping, they're snivelling, or else both together, as the case is now. 
However blood's blood : and so for once I will commit what you want, 
rather than accept your invite, and go up to help you and that old dry 
red cow, Mother Rumsey, to chew the cud of the matter all over again 
by word of mouth. As for harrowing up my feelings, or ploughing 
them up either, thank my stars it's a sliffer soil than that comes to. 
Why, my feelings are as tough — and not without need — as a bull-beef 
steak fresh killed, and take quite as much pitching into before they're 
as tender as you suppose. Likely it is, that a man who has rammed 
his head, as I have in Africa, into a stuck camel for a secondhand swig 
at his cistern, would come within sixty degrees of the notion of pitying 
a lubberly school-boy for having as much as ever he could swill of sour 



8 THE OARNABY COBBESPONDENOE. 

swipes ! Then for bad food, the stinkingest beef I ever met with was 
none to be had, good or bad, except the smell of the empty barrel. 
That's something like what you call being pincht in my fud ; and so it 
was I reckon when I gave my watch, and a good seven shilling piece 
besides, for about a pound of pork cartridges. So I'm not going to 
pipe my eye at dear Bob's short commons neither. It's all very well 
for pap-boating mothers to admire fat babbies while they're on the lap ; 
but the whole human breed would be spoiled, if Mother Nature did not 
unspoil it again by sending us now and then to the School of Adversity, 
without a knife and fork and a spoon. I came in for a quarter's 
learning there myself, in the Desart as aforesaid, and one of the lessons 
I learnt was from the ostriches ; namely, when you can't get a regular 
cargo of food, you must go in ballast with old shoes, leather caps, or 
any other odd matters you can pick up. There's nothing in life like 
bringing chaps up hardy, if thej're to stand the hammering we're all 
born to, provided we are born alive. I once heard a clever Yankee 
arguing to the same point. " Bear up your lads," says he, " like nails ; 
and then they'll not only go through the world, but you may clench 'em 
on t'other side." And for my part, if I was a father, which thank God 
I am not, to my knowledge, I would mark down a week of Banyan days 
to every month in the Almanack, just to accustom the youngsters to take 
in and let out their bread bags, till it came natural ; like the Laps and 
Esquimaux, who spend their lives in a feast and a fast^ turn and turn 
about, whereby their insides get as elastic as India rubber, and accom 
modate themselves to their loading, chock full or clean, as falls out. 
I've known the time I would have given all my prize-money for a set of 
linings of the same convenieucy, as when it was coming to the toss-up 
of a cowry whether I was to eat Tom Pike, or Tom Pike was to eat me. 
Just read the North Pole Voyages, and you will see that pampering 
bellies is not the exact course to make Captain Backs. So for all that's 
been made on that tact, hitherto, you owe nothing but a higher rating 
to Doctor Darby provided there's any step above Doctor in his service ; 
I'll even go so far as stand my share towards a bit of plate to him, for 
not making my nevy a loblolly milk-sop. That's my notion about hard 
fare. To be sure there was Mother Brownrigg was hung for going a 
little too near the wind in her 'prentices' insides ; but if the balance 
was squared, a few of the other old women would be run up to the yard- 
arm, for slow poisoning the rising generation with sugar-plum cakes 
and kickshaw tarts. And that your dear Bob has got a rare sweet 
tooth of his own is as plain as the Pike of Teneriffe, for it sticks out 
like a Barbary wild boar's tusks all through his precious complaints. 
Whereby you had better clap a stopper on in time, unless mayhap you 
want him to grow up in the fashion, which seems now-a-days for our 
young men to know, and think, and talk, aye and write too, about 
kitchen craft,— with their pully olays and volley vongs—as if they was 
so many cook's mates at a French hotel. There's no disputing likings, 
but rather than be such a macaroni dishclout dandy, as delicate as"^ a 
Inp-dog, I'd be a turnspit's whelp at once, and sit up on my hind le^s 



THE OARNABY CORRESPONDENCE. 



a-begging for the sop in the pan.' Now if you're for his being one of 
those unabled-bodied objects of creation, I've no more to say ; for you 
have got the right bearings, and have only to stand on till you bring 
dear Bob and Molly Coddle into one. But if so be on the contrary you 
have gumption enough to want to claw off that point, then down helm 
at once, and cut Mother Kumsey adrift, plum cakes and all. I've lon^ 
had on my mind to drop you a word of advice against that old 
catamaran, who knows fast enough that two bears' heads are never so 
likely to rub together as 
when they're a-licldng 
the same cub. By the 
cub I mean my nevy, 
and the two old ones 
are you and Mother K. 
Besides it's been my ob- 
servation through life. 
Many's the young man 
and woman will live for 
years together in the 
same house, or make the 
India voyage together in 
the same ship, without 
hooking on, or even 
coming in sight of such 
a notion ; but neither I, 
nor anybody else, ever 
saw two old ones, he and 
she, in the like case, 
without their coming at 
long and at last to a 
splice in cliurch. So it is 
with an old cat and dog, 

that while they had a tooth in their heads could hardly abide in the 
same parish, whereas when they get on the superannuated list, you will 
see them as thick as thieves, and messing together in the same disli 
The philosophy of it is more than I pretend to know, unless it be 
they're past fighting, and fit for no active sort of work ;— but so it is, as 
sure as the sea is salt. You had best then part company at once, if you 
don't want to see dear Bob mast-headed up to the back garret, or 
cooped down in the coal-cellar, on monkey's allowance ; such being the 
first steps a stepmother always takes in any story-book I ever read. 
I'm for my nevy having fair-play after all. So as I've subscribed to the 
bit of plate to Dr. Darby for case-hardening the fellow's carcase, you 
may set me down towards the spitefuUest boatswain's cat that ever was 
handled, in case it turns out he has neglected the boy's mind. I've 
seen a man seized up for a much smaller offence than crimping and 
inveigling a long hundred of lads at a time to a Sham Abram school, 
and swindling tlicm out of the best part of the property about them, 




LAYINa DOWN THE L\W. 



10 THE CARNABY CORRESPONDENCE. 

namely tbeir juvenile time. It is only a streak above kidnapping, seeing 
that for any profit in learning tke youngsters might as well spend their 
best years in the Plantations. Not but that Parents deserve a cobbing 
themselves for putting a boy under a master without asking to look at 
his certificates. As for the Latin and Greek, mayhap they're no loss 
to take on about. The dead and gone tongues for a tradesman's son, 
that's going behind a counter, is much of a muchness with fitting up a 
Newcastle collier's cabin after the pattern of a Leith smack's ; only that 
the gilding and polishing may be grimed and grubbed off again in the 
course of trade. Still, considering they were paid for as work done, in 
common honesty my nevy ought to have had them put in bis head ; or 
at least something in lieu, such as Navigation or the like. His own 
mother tongue is quite a different matter ; and thereupon I'll give you 
my mind, upright and downright, of the two School-letters. To be sure 
the Doctor likes weight of metal, and fires away with the high- 
soundingest words he can get, whereby his meaning is apt to loom 
bigger than it is, like a fishing-boat in a fog ; and where there's such a 
ground swell of language, a seaman is apt to think there's no great 
depth of ideas ; but bating that, there's nothing to shake a rope's end 
at, but quite the reverse, especially as to teaching the youngsters to 
give three cheers for their king and country. Now, Dear Bob's letter- 
work on the other hand, with its complaints of hard fare, is only fit to 
be sung by a snivelling Swiss beggar boy to his hurdy gurdy ; besides 
many a chafe in the grammar and orthography, and being writ in sucli 
a scrambling up and down fist as a drunken purser might scrawl in a 
gale of wind. Now it's my opinion a landsman that hasn't his hands 
made as hard as horn with hauling home sheets nor his fingers as stiff 
and sticky as pitch can make 'em, has it in his power to write as fine 
penmanship as copperplate except for the want of good will. So that 
the fault may be set down to my nevy's own account, and mayhap m.any 
of the rest, for no doubt there are skulkers at school as well as on board 
ship. My advice then is this, namely, just throw a shot across Dr. 
Darby's forefoot, to let him know you mean to overhaul him, and 
demand a sight of the school log, and so forth ; by which you will have 
satisfaction one way or another ; and putting'the case he has gone to 
leeward of his duty, why, then come hammer and tongs, and blaze 
away at him to your heart's content. The next step in course will be' 
to take my nevy from under his orders, and find him a berth in a well 
ofiicered ship ; and I am ready so far to do an uncle's part by the lad, 
as help to look out for a proper well appointed craft. Tiiat's my advice 
whether you steer by it or not — and so no more at present, and not 
sorry to belay — from 

Dear John, Your loving Brother, 

Bi'N Cahnady. 



THl! CAnXABY CORRESrONDENCE. 



11 



No. III. — To Mr. Benjamin Caenaby, Brigantine Bow, Deptford. 

London. 
Deer Bruthee, 

This is to acnolidge the fover of your verry bash letter as I aui 
complld to call it, both as regard deer Bob and that verry wurthy sole, 
pore Mrs. Eumsey. I am sory to fiud you can bare a grug so long, for 
I am shure she is too obleeging and civil spokin to hav disagred to your 
smokin in the parler if so be she had none you maid it sich a int. As 
for her inwigglin me 
into becummin a step 
farther to my one child 
watever old brut bares 
and cats and dogs may 
do, I hop my Virtu will 
purtect me from infid- 
dlety to a former ti. As 
for pore Bob, ho bav no 
more sweat toththen all 
boys is born with, and if 
he do rite with a bad ban d , 
i newer cud rite any 
grate shacks miself on 
an emli stummach. But 
that's what you can't or 
won't inter into, no more 
than I can inter into 
cammil's insids or hos- 
tridges eating their old 
shues and lether caps. 
In regard to yure advis 
thanking you all the 
sam, but meen to foller 

my hone, not but wat it ware nateral for you to recumend acording to 
yure one line of lif, to worn fiting and dueling is sekondand nater. As 
such hammer and tonges and bla^iin away pistles -wood be quit in yure 
spear, but as for my wantin satisfaxion of Docter Darby, and shuting 
his fore feet, or his hind feet ether, or inded any wares els, is moor 
than I ooud promis tho no dout meut kindly, but I am nun of yure 
wingin amers. Besids being agin the Bibil and Gospil and only fit for 
gentilmen born. Still I tak as frendly mont, as well as yure offir to git 
yure nevy a siteation on bord ship witch wood be a shure way to hurry 
my dissent to the Tom. The see always was a haw to my mind, and if 
it litind or a grate hevvy gal came, I shud transpire with frite ; or be 
thinljin on fogie nites of the ship lossing her way and gittin out of her 
depth. Howsumever I feal grateful for the horible idear, tho I cant 
xcept, and in meen time have rit to Dr. D. to remonsterit and ask him 




BUTT AND EE^'. 



li 



THE CAKNABX COHUESPONDENCE. 



to say candiddle wether lie liav starvd deer Bob and ruind his mind or 
no. I faver with a coi^py of mine and will foreward hisn wen it cum, 
and as my gowt is mendin, mayhap I may go down to rumfud sum of 
tlies days, and luck into every think with my one ke. 

I am Deer Benjamin 

Yure luving Bruther 

John Caunaby. 



(Copy.) 
To Dr. Dakby Socrcilis Hous School Estahlismint, Fawijud Essex. 

DocTER Darby Sue. 
If so be a farther and a Parrint may tak so grate a libberty, its my 
wish to rite about my Sun. Not bein a skollard, oing to neglected 
genus in yuth, I am uncompitent to be a Gudge and war indust to sho 
the skull letter to my Bruther Benjamin, of the late Rial Navy who 
had moor buck larning for his Sheers, besids seein forren parts and he 
do say wot give grate concern to All as is concarned, namely my Suns 
edication is fur from a tliurro noUige of evvery thing, and partickly his 
hostifografy or summat to that effect. As such is hily blammabil to 
yureself or tooters whos provins war to propergit wot they had in their 
hone beds into them under them, lusted of witch his unkel say he hav 
bin teecbt moor ignorans then anny think else. Witch is verry ard 
considring mints of munny lad out, and hevin nose I have not bin 
sparring with him, but pade away at a grate rat, ever sins he war 
britchd. Hunderds cant kiver 'him from fust to last And nothin but 
blited hops arter all. Cirkimstancis' purvented my having moor nor 
one acomplishment and that war my farthers bisness, but tho brort up 
hill miself I no the Valley of edicashun. AYarefor if it be no ofTens I 

wish to no candiddle 
from your hone Mouth 
■wether you hav so un- 
edicatted him as his 
Unkil suspex. At sam 
tim will esteam a faver 
to no if he continny iu 
gud helth witch ware 
always a littel dellicat 
and pecking, but I trust 
as how Rumfud hare and 
gud beaf and muttin and 
holesum wit bred and 
milk hav made him quit 
fat. Hisporelate muther 
lickwise made a pint of 
gud unturnd tabel bear, 
as all assiduities is injurus to yuth. As she used to say, pore sole, fud 
and flanning saves fisick. Allso I hop and trust you disalow the boys of 




WE DONT KNOW WHAT WE CAS DO TILL WE TRV. 



Tllli: (JAUNADY CORRESPONDENCE. 



13 



aJvaust years tireuizing over the weekly wens, or savedge footers as is apt 
to sho lickings and disliokings. The tooters morrils-in course is a car 
not overluckd, but sweetharting demand constant vigilings to gard agin its 
cumming in clandestiny where it ort not. Mrs. Rumsey also begs to 
apoUogiz for naming damp beds, but in coarse Misses Doctor Darby 
have a muther's felings about damp lining for boys boddis. All witch 
will give grate sattisfaxun to here, as in case of the ravers parrintel 
duty will feal hobbligatted to remov afore the mischief go to fur. J 
shall luck eggerly for your anser and trust you will embrace all the 
queerys. I ashore it will giv grate pleshure not to hav to remove my 
custom, with witch and respective compliments, 

I remane Dr. Darby Sur 

Your verry humbel Servant 

John Oarn.\by. 




' THERE'S A BICHT WAY AND A WRONG FOE ETEEY THING, 



No, rV. — To Mister Benjamin Caenaby, Bri'jantine Row, Deptjord. 

Deer Benjamin, 
Inclosd is Dr. Darbya explainative Not, witch for anny thing I no 
to the contrairy is evvery thing as we cud luck for, without going into 
the retales. He apear to hav no douts of a misscomprehenshun on 
our parts, witch prove us to be boath in the rong as will be a gralo 
comfit to you and deer Benjamin 

Yure luving Bruther 

•John Cahnaby. 



14 THE CARNABY OORBESPONDEKCE. 



'The Enclosuee.) — To Joi-in Cabnaby, Esquire. 

Deab Sir, 
111 ancient Greece and Eome, so celebrated for their classical Attain- 
ments, it would have been considered derogatory to the Academical 
Dignity, for Scholastic Discipline to be subject to Animadversion from 
a Civic Character, professedly uncouversant with Polite Literature in 
all its Branches. As the Principal of a Pedagogical Establishment, I 
might, therefore, objurgate with Propriety any irrevelant Discussion to 
be deprecated from such a superfluous source. Conscious, however, of 
standing on the Basis of an undeniable Prospectus, which professes 
to embrace Universal Knowledge, throughout the Circle of the Arts 
and Sciences, I am prepared to assert that a more Comprehensive 
System of Education could not be devised than that which is as- 
cribed to the Establishment of Socrates House. If further Testimonials 
were necessary, I might triumphantly appeal to the Mental Cultivation 
of flourishing Members of Society, evinced in the successful Pursuit of 
Afiluence, in the Eastern and Western Hemispheres, so advantageous 
to the Commerce, Wealth, and Power, of the United Kingdom. Such 
Testimonies, it is presumed, are sufficiently obvious to the most Un- 
prejudiced Mind, to demand those unerring Principles of fostering 
Talent, inviting Emulation, and stimulating Enquiry, combined with 
Moral Intellectual and Dietetical qualities, such as to command the 
unreserved Approbation and Confidence of all parties engaged in the 
important Task of Juvenile Tuition. Trusting that the Prolixity of this 
explanatory Statement will propitiate the most Paternal Solicitude, with 
sentiments in accordance with the rapid Progress of Human Civiliza- 
tion, permit me to subscribe myself, with every feeling of respect. 

Dear Sir, 
Your most obedient, faithful, humble servant, 

SiMOS Dakby, LL.D. 




■wwiuim™irtMlliTTlill)«iffllinllll 

WIGWAM. 



THE CARNABY COEBESPONDENCE 



15 




" BLliSS ME, HOW BALD YOU ARE ! " 
"YES— J WAS PLUCKED AT COLLEGE." 



No. V. — To Mr. John Caenabt, 49, Polyanthus Place, 
Mile End Road, London. 

Dbar Brother, 
If I was to write what comes uppermost, I should stand a chance of 
a place I won't name. But you always was a you-know-what, and as 
the proverb says, there's never a one like you now you are old. As for 
the school, it's the nest of a land pirate ; and for any good to his mind, 
dear Bob might as well be in the Hulks. However it won't do to let 
you go and make a so-and-so of yourself all over the country — whereby, 
luckily for you, there's an old shipmate of mine laid up at Eumford, and 
so I can kill him and my Nevy with the same stone. So let Mister 
doctor Darby look out for squalls, and that's all from 

Youi- loving Brother, 

Bex Cabnaby. 



Ko. VI. — {From the Same to the Same.) 

Dear Bbothek, 

This is to Bay I made this place, namely Rumford, yesterday morning 
about 10 A. M., and immediately bore away to Socrates House, and asked 
for ray nevy, — but you shall have it logged down all fair and square 

Well, after a haul at the bell, and so forth, I was piloted into a room, 



10 THE OAENABy COERESPONDENCE. 

on the ground tier, by the footmau, and a pastryfaced son of a land cook 
he looked sure enough. Where, as soon as may be, Mrs. Doctor Darby 
joins company, a tight little body enough, all bobbing up and down with 
curtseys like the buoy at the Nore, and as oily tongued as any rat in 
the Greenland Docks. By her own account, she rated a step above 
Mother to six score of boys, big and little, and every man jack of them 
more made of, and set store by, than if they had been parts of her own 
live stock. All which flummery would go down with you, and the 
marines, mayhap, but not with old sailors like me As for dear Bob, 
she buttered him of both sides, thick and threefold, as the best, sweetest, 
darlingest, and what not young gentleman of the whole kit, besides 
iinding out a family likeness between him and his uncle, which if it's 
any feature at all, is all my eye. Next she enquired after you, the 
worthiest parent she ever knew, not excepting her own father, whereby 
I blest my stars you were not within hail ; or you would have been 
flabbergasted in no time, with your eyes running like scuppers, and your 
common senses on their beam ends. At long and last in comes my 
Nevy himself, as smooth and shining as a new copper ; whereby says 
she, " I hope you will excuse untidiness, and so forth, because of sending 
for him just as he stood." That's how he came no doubt in his Sunday's 
breeches ; besides twigging the wet soap-suds in his ears. " Here my 
sweet love," she sings out, "here's your dear kind uncle so good as to 
come to enquire after your welfare." So dear Bob heaves ahead, and 
gets a Isiss, not from me tho, and a liquorish lozenge for what she called 
his nasty hack. Nothing however but a cholic with parched peas, as he 
owned to afterwards. " Now, then, Nevy," says I, " what cheer — how 
do you like your birth ? " when up jumps madam like a scalded cat ; 
and no or yes, I must drink the favour of a glass of Sherry. Eank 
Cape, John, as ever was shipped. Then Master Bxibert, bless him, 
must have a leetle glass too, but provided I approve, and a ration of 
sweet cake. Whereby says she, " Now I will leave you to your mutual 
confidences " — as looked all fair and above boo,rd enough, if I had not 
made out a foot near the door. And in the twinkling of a handspike in 
sails Dr. Darby himself, with as many scrapes to me as if I was Port 
Admiral; and as anxious about my old gout, — for I've got an easy shoe 
for a bunion — as if he'd been intimate with it in my great-grandfather's 
time. Well we palavered a bit about the French news, and the weather, 
and the crops, whatever you like let alone book learning ; but that was 
not my course, and impatient to see Tom Pike, besides, so I ran slap 
aboard him at once with an ask to see the school. As I looked for, he 
was took all aback ; however Madam wasn't thrown so dead in the 
wind, but jumped up to the bell tackle, and after a bit of a whisper with 
the servant, we got under way for the school ; but contrived to laud 
somehow in the kitchen, with a long row of quartern loaves drawn up 
on a dresser to receive us, like a file of marines. Then Madam begins 
to spin a long yarn about plain food, but plenty of it, for growing youths 
— dear^ Bob's very lathy, John, for all that— and then comes tho 
Doctor's turn to open with a preachment on animal foods, and what 



TH3 CAENABY CORHESPONDENCE. 1 7 

will digest, and what won't ; tho' for my own part, I never met witli 
any meat but would do it in time, more or less. So by way of clapping 
a stopper I made bold to remind that time is short tho' life is long, and 
thereby lufiSng slap up to my Nevy, "Bob," says I, " what's the variation 
of the compass ? " So Master Bob turns it about abit, and then says 
he, " Why, it's one leg shorter than t'other." Which is about as nigh 
it. Brother, as you are to Table Bay ! And how it gave the Doctor a 
bad fit of coughing, which his wife caught of him as natural as if it had 
been the hooping sort — at last says she, " maybe Master Robert has 
not progressed yet into navigation." " Maybe not, Ma'am," says I, " and 
so we'll try on another tack — Nevy, what's metaphysics ? " " Brim- 
stone and Treacle," says Bob, as ready as gunpowder, and the lady 
looked as satisfied as Bob did — but the Doctor had another bad fit, and 
good reason why, for there's no more physic in metaphysics than a baby 
might take in its pap. By this time we were going up stairs, but lay-to 
awhile alongside a garden pump on the landing, to have a yarn about 
dowsing glims, and fire guards, and going the rounds at night ; and as 
dear Bob hung astarn, I yawed, and let fly at him again with " What's 
religion?" "The colic on Sundays," says he, as smart as you like ; 
tho' what he meant by colic the Old Gentleman knows. However both 
the Doctor and Madam pulled a pleasant face at him, and looked as 
pleased as if he had found out the longitude ; but that was too fine 
weather to last, for thinks I, in course he can carry on a little further 
on that board, so says I, " What's the main-top-gallant rule of Chris- 
tianity ? " " Six weeks at Christmas," says he, as bold as brass from 
getting encouraged before. So you see John, he don't know his own 
persuasion. In course we were all at wry faces again ; but the Doctor 
had the gumption to shove his out of a window, and sing out an order 
to nobody in the back yard. As for Madam, she shot ahead into the 
sleeping rooms, where I saw half a hundred of white dimity cots, two 
warming-pans, and nine clothes baskets — Master Robert's berth among 
the rest. Next we bore away by a long passage to the kitchen again, 
where two rounds of boiled beef had been put to officer the quartern 
loaves, and so through the washeryand pot-and-pannery into the garden 
ground, where I came in for as long a yarn about the wholesomeness of 
fresh vegetables and salads, as if the whole crew of youngsters had been 
on the books with the scurvy. From the cabbages we got to the 
flower-beds ; and says the Doctor, " I don't circumscribe, or circumvent, 
one or t'other ; I don't circumvent my pupils to soholastical works, but 
encourage perusing the book of Nature." — " That's very correct, then. 
Doctor," said I, " and my own sentiment exactly. Nevy, what's Natural 
Philosophy?" — "Keeping rabbits," says Bob; which sounds likely 
enough, but it's not the thing by sixty degrees. I can't say but I felt 
the cats'-paws coming over my temper; but I kept it under till we 
fetched the paddock, to look at the cows ; and that brought up another 
yarn about milk-dieting ; and says Madam, " when summer comes, our 
Doctor is so good as to permit the young gentlemen to make his hay." 
— " No doubt alive. Ma'am," saj's I ; " saves hands, and good fun too, 

SECOND SEKIES. 



IS 



THE CARNABY OORBESPONDENCE. 



eh nevy ?— What's Agriculture ? " However this time dear Bob chose 
to play sulky, and wouldn't answer good or bad ; whereby the Doctor 
crowds up, with a fresh question.. " Now then, Master Kobert," says 
he pretty sharp, " I will ask you something you do know. What is 
Algebra,— Al—gebra? "—" Please Sir," says Bob, " its a wild donkey 
all over stripes."— " There's a dear boy ! " cries Madam, the more fool 
she ; but old Darby looked as black as thunder at midnight. " I'm 
afraid," says he, letting go the toplifts, as one may say, of his eyebrows; 
" I'm afraid there has been a little slackness here with the cat ; but, by 
your leave, Sir, and so forth, I will investigate a little into it myself. 
Now Master Eobert take a pull at your mental tackle, for I'm going to 
overhaul your Mathematics : — How do you describe a triangle ? " — 
" Please Sir," says Bob, " it's the thing that tingle-tangles to the big 

drum." Well, there was 
the devil to pay again, 
and no pitch hot ! Old 
Darby looked as if he 
meant either to drop 
down dead on the spot 
of apoplexy, or to mur- 
der dear Bob; he swelled 
and reddeued up so 
about the wattles with- 
out hoisting out a word. 
For my own part, nevy 
as he was, I couldn't 
help serving him out a 
back-handed slap of the 
head, and then I turned- 
to at the schoolmaster. 
" So, Mister Doctor," 
says I, " this is what you 
call a liberal education 
in your manifest ? " — 
" Sir," says he, looking 
as stiff as a corporal just 
made, " whatever your, 
some cursed long hard word may be, I cannot consider mj'self liable for 
the lagging astern of, I must say, the dullest sailor in my whole convoy." 
— " Why, blood and thunder ! " said I, for old Nick could not have helped 
it — " you told me that Bob, my nevy there, was the handiest and 
smartest of the whole kit!" — "That was me, Sir," says the lady, 
hauling in between us — " and then I only spoke as to temper, as Greek 
and Latin are beyond a female's provinces " — which was true enough ; 
so I felt bound to beg her pardon, which was granted : and we had 
smooth water again till we neared the school-room. Now then, thought 
I, look out for squalls, for my mind was made up to stand no nonsense 
from the petty officers, that is to say, gentlemen ushers. So I ranged 




'IN FOR A PENNY— m FOR A POUND." 



THE CABNABY COHEKSPONDENCE. 



19 



up alongside the most mathematical-looldng one I could pick out, by 
way of having a bout with him at trigonometry ; but he chose to be as 
shy, and deaf and dumb, as a Gibraltar monkey just grabbed, "With 
submission, my good Sir," says the Doctor, putting in his oar, " Mr. 
Huckin may consider it a work of supereror-something, and a going 
beyond ourselves, to re-examine him after the very satisfactory certifi- 
cates that satisfied me myself." — " That's to say," says I, " in plain 
English, that I'm to get nothing but what I can screw out of my nevy?" 
— " My dear Sir," says the Doctor, " you misconstruct me entirely — 
the whole of the juvenile pupils are open to candid scrutiny. Suppose 
we begin with the classics. Master Bush, Sir, you will English me hie, 
hoc, hoe." — " This, that, and t'other," says Master Bush ; no great 
shakes of an answer, I guess, but it seemed to serve for a come-off. 
Then came my turn, so I asked who was the discoverer of America ? 
and may I never break biscuit again, if he didn't say " Yankee Doodle ! " 
Well, to cut off the end of a long yarn, this was as good as there was to 
be got out of the best of them. One told me that Guy Fox found out 
gunpowder ; and another that a solar eclipse was along of the sun's 
standing in its own light. What else I might have learned, that I 
never knew before, must be left over for a guess ; for in the middle of 
the next ask, it was all hats aloft ! and three cheers for a half holiday ; 
but if I had any hand in begging it, may I die ashore in a dry ditch ! 
However that was too much of a dog's trick to be took quietly, so I 
prepared a broadside, with a volley of oaths to it, by way of small arms ; 
but before I could well bring it to bear, the Doctor hauls out liis watch, 
and says ho, " It's extremely bad luck, but there's a voting this morning 
for a parish beadle, and I make a point not to let my private duties get 
to windward of my public ones." So s.iving, with a half-and-half sort 
of a bow, to me, he cut 
and run ; Madam get- 
ting athwart hawse so 
as to cover his getting 
off. In course it was no 
use to waste speech upon 
her; but I made bold 

to d n the whole 

covey of under-masters, 
in the lump, as a set of 
the sharkingest logger- 
headed, flute-playing, 
skulking, lubberly sons 
of grinning weavers and 
tailors that ever broke 
bread. So the finish 
over all is, that I took heobimisation. 

my nevy away, traps and 

all ; and not an hour too soon ; and with Bob in tow I made Tom 
Pike's, who was as glad to see his old messmate as I was to see him ; 

o2 




QO 



KISE AT THE FATHER OF ANGLING. 



and what's more, when he heard the bit of a brush I had enjoyed, he 
informed me that Doctor Darby, LL.D., and what not, was all one and 
the same with Darby the shipohaudler, that went to pieces down at 
Wappin'J You see then, as the chaplain says, that alls tor the best 
either here or hereafter ; and so no more till Monday, when I shall 
bring my nevy Bob to you, to make what you will of him, which I hope 
\\ill be as lilie a man as possible. If otherwise, I won't promise not to 
change my name by act of parliament, and so be no relation to dear 
Bob, nor to you neither ; and that's the real mind of 

Your loving Brother, 

Bkn Oaenaby. 




BLIND HOOKET. 



A RISE AT THE FATHER OF ANGLING. 



The memory of Izaak Walton lias hitherto floated down the stream 
of lime without even a nibble at it ; but, alas ! where is the long line 
so pure and even that does not come sooner or later to have a weak 
length detected in it? The severest critic of Moliere was an old woman; 
and now a censor of the same sex takes upon herself to tax the immor- 
tal work of our Piscator with holding out an evil temptation to the 
rising generation. Instead of concurring in the general admiration of 
his fascinating pictures of fishing, she boldly asserts that the rod has 
been the spoiling of her child, and insists that in calling the Angler 



A RISK AT THE FATHER OF ANGLING. 21 

gentle and inoffensive, the Author vras altogether wrong in his dubbinff. 
To render her strictures more attractive she has thrown them into a 
poetical form ; having probably learned by experience that a rhyme at 
ihe end of a line is a very taking bait to the generality of readers. 
Hark ! how she rates the meek Palmer whom Winifred Jenkins would 
have called " an angle upon earth ! " 

To Mr. IzAAK Walton, at Mr. Major's the Bookseller'' s in Fleet Street. 

Mr. Walton, it's harsh to say it, but as a Parent I can't help wishing 
You'd been hung before you publish'd your book, to set all the young 

people a fishing ! 
There's my Eobert, the trouble I've had with him it surpasses a mortal's 

bearing, 
And all thro' those devilish angling works — the Lord forgiye me for 

swearing ! 
I thought he were took with the Morbus one day, I did with his nasty 

angle ! 
For " oh dear," says he, and burst out in a cry, " oh my gut is all got 

of a tangle ! " 
It's a shame to teach a young boy such words — whose blood wouldn't 

chill in their veins 
To hear him, as I overheard him one day, a-talking of blowing out brains ? * 
And didn't I quarrel with Sally the cook, and a precious scolding I 

give her, 
" How dare you," says I, " for to stench the whole house by keeping 

that stinking liver ? " 
'Twas enough to breed a fever, it was ! they smelt it next door at the 

Bagots', — 
But it wasn't breeding no fever — not it! 'twas my son a-breeding of 

maggots ! 
I declare that I couldn't touch meat for a week, for it all seemed 

tainting and going, 
And after turning my stomach so, they turned to blueflies, all buzzhjg 

and blowing ; 
Boys are nasty enough, goodness knows, of themselves, without putting 

live things in their craniums ; 
Well, what next ? but he pots a whole cargo of worms along with my 

choice geraniums. 
And another fine trick, tho' it wasn't found out, till the housemaid had 

given us warning. 
He fished at the golden fish in the bowl, before we were up and down 

in the morning. 
I'm sure it was lucky for Ellen, poor thing, that she'd got so attentive 

a lover, 
As bring her fresh fish when the others deceas'd, which they did a 

dozen times over ! 

* Chewing amd spitting out iDullock's brains into the water for ground-bait is called 
ilmdng of hrame. Salter's Angler's Gtuide. 



32 



A EISE AT THE FATHEE OF ANGLING 



Then a whole new loaf was short ! for I know, of course, when our 

bread goes faster, — 
And I made a stir with the bill in my hand, and the man was sent off 

by his master ; 
But, oh dear, I thought I should sink thro' the earth, with the weight 

of my own reproaches. 
For my own pretty son had made away with the loaf, to malte pastry to 

feed the roaches ! 




'TUE GREAT GLOBE ITSELF, TEA, ALL WHICH IT INHERIT, SHALL DISSOLTE ! 



I VOW I've suffered a matyrdom — with all sorts of frights and terrors 

surrounded ! 
For I never saw him go out of the doors but I thought he'd come home 

to me drownded. 
And, sure enough, I set out one fine Monday to visit my married 

daughter. 
And there he was standing at Sadler's Wells, a-performiug with real 

water. 
It's well he was off on the further side, for I'd have hrain'd him else 

with my patten. 
For I thought he was safe at school, the young wretch ! a studying 

Greek and Latin, 
And my ridicule basket he had got on his back, to carry his fishes and 

gentles ; 
With a belt I knew he'd made from the belt of his father's regi- 
mentals — 



A BTSE AT THE FATHEK OF ANGLING. 23 

Well, I poked his rods and lines in the fire, and his father gave him 

a hirching, 
But he'd gone too far to be easy cured of his love for chubbing and 

perching. 
One nipht he never came home to tea, and altho' it was dark and 

dripping, 
His father set off to Wapping, poor man ! for the boy had a turn for 

shipping ; 
As for me I set up, and I sobbed and I cried for all the world like a 

babby. 
Till at twelve o'clock he rewards my fears with two gudging from 

Waltham Abbey ! 
And a pretty sore throat and fever he caught, that brought me a fort- 
night's hard nussing, 
Till I thought I should go to my grey-hair'd grave, worn out with the 

fretting and fussing ; 
But at last he was cur'd, and we did have hopes, that the fishing was 

cured as well, 
But no such luck ! not a week went by, before we'd have another such 

spell. 
Tlio' he never had got a penny to spend, for such was our strict 

intentions, 
Yet he was soon set up in tackle agin, for all boys have such c[uic.k 

inventions : 
And I lost my Lady's Own Pocket Book, in spite of all my hunting and 

poking. 
Till I found it chuck-full of tackles and hooks, and besides it had had a 

good soaking. 
Then one Friday morning, I gets a summoning note from a sort of a 

law attorney. 
For the boy had been trespassing people's grounds while his father was 

gone a journey. 
And I had to go and hush it all up by myself, in an office at Hatton 

Garden ; 
And to pay for the damage he'd done, to boot, and to beg some strange 

gentleman's pardon. 
And wasn't he once fish'd out himself, and a man had to dive to find 

him. 
And I saw him brought home with my motherly eyes and a mob of 

people behind him ? 
Yes, it took a full hour to rub him to life — whilst I was a-soreaming 

and raving, ^ 

And a couple of guineas it cost us besides, to reward the humane man 

for his saving, 
And didn't Miss Crump leave us out of her will, all along of her taking 

dudgeon 
At her favourite cat being chok'd, poor Puss, with a hook sow'd up in a 

gudgeon ? 



21 



A RISE AT THE FATHER OF ANGLING. 



And old Brown complain'd that he pluck 'd his live fowls, and not with- 
out show of reason, 
For the cocks looked naked about necks and tails, and it wasn't their 

moulting season ; 
And sure and surely, -when we came to inq^uire, there was cause for their 

screecliing and cackles, 
For the mischief confess'd he had picked them a hit, for I think he 

call'd them the hackles. 
A pretty tussle we had about that ! but as if it warn't picking enough, 
When the -winter comes on, to the muff-box I goes, just to shake out 

my sable muff — 
" mercy ! " thinks I, " there's the moth in the house ! " for the fur 

was all gone in patches ; 
And then at Ellen's cbinchilly I look, and its state of destruction just 

matches — 
But it wasn't no moth, Mr. Walton, but flies — sham flies to go trolhng 

and trouting. 
For his father's great coat was all safe and sound, and that first set me 

a-doubting. 
A plague, say I, on all rods and lines, and on young or old watery 

danglers ! 
And after all that you'll talk of such stuff as no harm in the world 

about anglers ! 
And when all is done, all our worry and fuss, why, we've never had 

nothing worth dishing ; 
So you see. Mister Walton, no good comes at last of your famous book 

about fishing. 
As for Kobert's, I burnt it a twelvemonth ago ; but it turn'd up too late 

to be lucky. 
For he'd got it by heart, as 1 found to the cost of 

Your servant, 
Jaxe Elizabeth Stucket. 




TUEUE's Ni:VEK a WUAI.E WITUOUT a BLllBER, 



25 




'ue's a-qoin' to take a tower." 



RIGHT AND WRONG. 



A SKETCH AT SEA. 



The Eights of Man, — whether abstract or real, divine or vulgar, 
vested or contested, civil or uncivil, common or uncommon — have been 
so fully and so frequently discussed, that one vpould suppose there was 
nothing new to be felt or expressed on the subject. I was agreeably 
surprised, therefore, during a late passage from Ireland, to hear the 
rights of an individual asserted in so very novel a manner as to seem 
worthy of record. The injured party was an involuntary fellow- 
passenger; and the first glance at him as he leisurely ascended the 
cabin stairs, bespoke him an original. His face, figure, dress, gait, and 
gestures, were all more or less eccentric; yet without any apparent 
affectation of singularity. His manner was perfectly earnest and 
business-like, though quaint. On reaching the deck, his first move- 
ment was towards the gangway, but a moment sufficed to acquaint him 
with the state of the case. The letter-bags having been detained an 
hour beyond the usual time of departure, the steam had been put on at 
a gallop, and Her Majesty's mail packet the Guebre had already 
accomplished some hundred fathoms of her course. This untoward 
event, however, seemed rather to surprise than annoy our Original, who 
quietly stepped up to the Captain, with the air of demanding what was 
merely a matter of course : 



26 



EIGHT AND WRONG. 



"Hollo, Skipper! 0£f she goes, eh? But you must turn ahout, my 
boy, and let me get out." 

" Let you get out ! " echoed the Skipper, and again repeating it, with 
what the musicians call a staccato — " Let — you — get — out ! " 

"Exactly so. I'm going ashore." 

"I'm rather afraid you are not, Sir," said the Skipper, looking 
decidedly serious, '' unless you allude to the other side ! " 

"The other side!" exclaimed the Oddity, involuntarily turning 



towards England. 



'Poo! 



poo ! 



nonsense, man, — I only came to look 
at your accommodations, 
I'm not going across 
■with you — I'm not, upon 
my word ! " 
.,'^r'''il^ "I must beg your 

p -'---■ ; pardon. Sir;'' said the 
Captain quite solemnly. 
" But it is my firm opi- 
nion that you are ' going 
across.' " 

" Poo, poo ! all gam- 
mon. — I tell you I am 
going back to Dublin." 
" Upon my soul, 
then," said the Skipper, 
rather briskly, " you 
must swim back like a 
grampus, or borrow a 
pair of wings from the 
gulls." The man at the 
helm grinned his broad- 
est at what he thought 
a good joke of his offi- 
cer's — while the Original 
turned sharply round, 
parodied a hyena's laugh at the fellow, and then returned to the charge, 
" Come come, Skipper — it's quite as far out as I care for — if you 
want to treat me to a sail ! " 

" Treat you to a sail ! " roared the indignant officer. " Zounds ! Sir, 
I'm in earnest — as much in earnest as ever I was in my life." 

"So much the better," answered the Original. "I'm not joking 
myself, and I have no right to be joked upon." 

" Joke or no joke," said the Captain — " all I know is this. The mail 
bags are on board — and it's more than my post is worth tc put back." 

" Eh? What? How ? " exclaimed the Oddity, with a sort of nervous 
dance. "You astonish me! Do— you — really — mea!n to say— I'm 
obligated to go — whether I've a right or not ? " 

" I do indeed, Sir— I'm sorry for it, but it can'tbe helped. My 
orders are positive The moment the mail is on board I must cast olT." 




AX AQUATIC TUIP. 



EIGHT AND WIIONG. 



27 



"Indeed! — well — Lut you know — why, that's your duty, not mine 
I have no right to be cast off ! I've no right to be here at all. I've no 
right to be anywhere — except in Merrion Square ! " 

The Captain was bothered. He shrugged up his shoulders, then 
cave a low whistle, then plunged his hands in his pockets — then gave 
a loud order to somebody, to do something, somewhere or other ; and 
then began to walk short turns on the deck. His Captive, in the mean- 
time, made hasty strides towards the stern, as if intending to leap over- 
board ; but he suddenly stopped short, and took a bewildered look at 
the receding coast. The 
original wrong was visi- 
bly increasing in length, 
breadth, and depth, 
every minute ; and he 
again confronted the 
Captain. 

" Well, Skipper — 
you've thought better of 
it — I've no right in the 
world, have I ? — You 
will turn her round?" 

" Totally impossible. 
Sir — quite out of my 
power." 

' ' Very well , very well , 
very well indeed ! " the 
Original's temper was 
getting up as well as the 
sea, " But mind Sir — I 
protest. I protest against 
you, Sir — andagainsttbe 
ship — and the ocean. 
Sir — and everything ! 
I'm getting further and 

further out — but, remember, I've no right! You will take the conse- 
quences. I have no right to be kidnapped — ask the Crown lawyers, if 
you think fit ! " 

After this denouncement, the Speaker began to pace up and down 
like the Captain, but at the opposite side of the deck. He was on the 
boil, however, as well as the engine, — and every time that he passed 
near the man whom he considered as his Sir Hudson Lowe, he gave vent 
to the inyard feeling in a jerk of the head, accompanied by a short pig-like 
grunt. Now and then it broke out in words, but always the same four 
monosyllables, "This — is — too — bad" — with a most emphatic fall of 
the foot to each. At last it occurred to a stout pompous-looking person- 
age to interpose as a mediator. He began by dUating on the immense 
commercial importance of a punctual delivery of letters — thence he 
insisted on the heavy responsibility of the Captain ; with a promise of an 




DEEP DISTHESS PRODUCED BT MAOHIHERY. 



28 



RIGHT AND WHONG. 



early return packet from Holyhead— and he was entering into a con- 
gratulation of the fineness of the weather, when the Original thought it 
was time to cut him short. 

" My good Sir — you'll excuse me. The case is nobody's but my own. 
You are a regular passenger. You have a right to be in this packet. 
You have a right to go to Holyhead — or to Liverpool — or to Gibraltar, — 
or to the world's end — if — you — like. But I choose to be in Dublin. 
What right have I to be here then ? Not — one — atom ! I've no right 
to he in this vessel — and the Captain there knows it. I've no right 
(stamping) to be on this deck ! I have no more right to be tossing at 
sea (waving his arms up and down) than the Pigeon House ! " 

" It is a very unpleasant situation, I allow. Sir," said the Captain to 
the stout Passenger. " But, as I have told the gentleman, my hands 
are tied. I can do nothing — though nobody is more sorry for his incon- 
venience." 

" Inconvenience be hanged ! " exclaimed the Oddity, in a passion at 
last. " It is NO inconvenience, Sir ! Not — the — smallest. But that 
makes no diflference as to my being here. It's that — and that alone, — I 
dispute all right to ! " 

"Well, but my dear, good Sir," expostulated the pompous man ; 

"admitting the justice 
of your premises, the 
hardship is confessedly 
without remedy." 

" To be sure it is," 
said the Captain, " every 
inch of it. All I can 
say is, that the gentle- 
man's passage shall be 
no expense to him ! " 

" Thankee — of course 
not," said the Original 
with a sneer. I've no 
right to put my hand in 
my pocket! Not that 
I mind expense. But 
it's my right I stand up 
for, and I defy you both 
to prove that I have 
any right — or any sha- 
dow of a right — to be in 
your company ^ I'll tell 
you what. Skipper" — 
but before he could 
finish the sentence, he turned suddenly pale, made a most grotesque 
wry face, and rushed forward to the bow of the vessel. The Captain 
exchanged a significant smile with the stout gentleman ; but before 
they had quite spoken their minds of the absent character, he came 




SEA RIDDLE. " DO YOU OIVE IT UP?" 



niOIIT AND WRONG. 



29 



scrambling back to the binnacle, upon which lie rested with^ both hands, 
while he thrust his working visage within a foot of the skipper's face. 

" There, Skipper ! — now, Mr. What d'ye call — What do you both 
say to tTiai.^ What right have I to be sick — as sick as a dog? I've 
no right to be squeam- 
ish ! I'm not a pas- 
senger. I've no right to 
go tumbling over ropes 
and pails and what not 
■ — to the ship's head ! " 

" But my good Sir," 
— began the pompous 
man. 

" Don't Sir me, Sir ! 
You took your own pas- 
sage. You have a right 
to be sick — You've a 
right t-o go to the side 
every five minutes — 
you've a right to die of 
it! But it's the reverse 
with me — I have no 
right of the sort ! " 

" certainly not. 
Sir," said the pomposity 
offended in his turn. 
" You are indubitably " cnAiuuNo spois about this paut of the mvEa." 

the best judge of your 

own privileges. I only beg to be allowed to remark, that where I felt I 
had so little right, I should hesitate to intrude myself." So saying, he 
bowed very formally, and commenced his retreat to the cabin, while the 
Skipper pretended to examine the compass very minutely. In fact our 
Original had met with a chokepear. The fat man's answer was too 
much for him, being framed on a principle clean contrary to his own 
peculiar system of logic. The more he tried to unravel its meaning, the 
more it got entangled. He didn't like it, without knowing why ; and 
he quite disagreed with it, though ignorant of its purport. He looked 
up at the funnel — and at the flag — and at the deck, — and down the 
companion stairs, — and then he wound up all by a long shake of his 
head, as mysterious as Lord Burghleigh's, at the astonished man at 
the wheel. His mind seemed made up. He buttoned his coat up to 
the very chin, as if to secure himself to himself, and never opened his 
lips again .till the vessel touched the quay at Holyhead. The Captain 
then attempted a final apology — but it was interrupted in the middle. 

" Enough said. Sir — quite enough. If you've only done your duty, 
you've no right to beg pardon — and I've no right to ask it. All I mean 
to say is, here am I in Holyhead instead of Dublin. I don't care what 
that fat fellow says — who don't understand his own rights. I stick to 




30 



PATEONAGE. 



all I said before. I have no right to be up in the Moon, have I ? Of 
course not — and I've no more right to stand on this present quay, than 
I have to bo up in the Moon ! " 




" WHAT ItlOHT HAVE VOU IN MY STEEL TRAP ? " 



PATEONAGE. 



The authenticity of the following letter will, probably, be disputed. 
The system of patronage to which it refers, is one very likely to shock 

the prejudices of serious sober-minded 
persons, who will naturally refuse to credit 
such practical anachronisms as the super- 
annuation of sucklings. Goldsmith, it is 
true, has mentioned certain Fortunatuses 
as being born with silver ladles in their 
mouths ; but it would be easier to sup- 
pose a child thus endowed with a whole 
service of plate, than to fancy one iu- 
vested with a service of years. The most 
_ powerful imagination would be puzzled 
to reconcile an Ex- Speakership with an 
Infant untaught to lisp ; or to recognise 
a retired Bow Street runner in a nurse- 
ling unable to walk. The existence of 
such very advanced posts for the Infantry 
is, however, affirmed; but with what 
truth, from my total want of political experience, I am unable to judge. 
Mr. Wordsworth, indeed, who says that " the child is father of the man," 
seems to aim a quiz at the practice ; and possibly the nautical phrase 
of " getting a good birth," may refer to such prosperous nativities. 
For the rest, grown gentlemen have unquestionably been thrust, some- 
times, into public niches to which they were as ill adapted as Mr. D. ; 




JACK PUDDING, 



PATHONAOE. y I 

the measures taken by Patrons not leading invariably, like Stultz's, (o 
admirable fits. But the Lady waits to speak her mind 

(Copy.) 

To the Right Honourable Lokd Viscount * * * *, c^c, dc, rfi; , 
Whitehall. 

Mat it please your Loedship, 

I humbly beg a thousand pardons and apologies for so great a liberty, 
and taking up time so valuable to the nation with the present applica- 
tion. Nothing short of absolute necessity could compel to such a 
course ; but I make bold to say, a case of greater hardship never had 
the honour to be laid before official eyes. My poor husband, however, 
is totally unaware of my writing ; as he would certainly forbid any such 
epistolary step, whether on my part or his own ; though in point of 
fact the shattered state of his nerves is such as to preclude putting pen 
to paper if ever so inclined. But, as a wife and a mother, it would not 
become me to preserve silence, with my husband perishing by inches 
before my eyes ; and particularly when a nobleman of your Lordship's 
rank would be sure to sympathise for an unfortunate gentleman, of birth 
and breeding, that after waiting above forty odd years for his rights, has 
only come at last into a public post that must, and will, be his death ! 

To favour with the particulars, my husband has the honour to be 
related very distantly to the Peerage ; and as Your Lordship knows, 
it is the privilege of Aristocracy to provide for all their connexions by 
comfortable public situations, which are sometimes enjoyed very early 
in life. To such, Mr. D. had a hereditary right from liis cradle, for 

his noble relative, the Duke of , was so condescending as to stand 

sponsor by proxy ; and instead of the usual spoons, or a silver mug, 
made a promise to the Infant of some office suited to its tender age,; 
for instance a superannuation, or the like, where there is nothing to do, 
but the salary to receive. In point of fact, the making the Baby a 
retired King's Messenger was verbally undertaken at the font: but 
before the child could come into office His Grace unfortunately went 
out of power, by dying of apoplexy, leaving nothing but a promise, 
which a new ministry was unjust and ungrateful enough not to make 
good. In this shocking manner, Your Lordship, was my husband 
thrown upon the world, without proper provision according to his 
station and prospects, and was degraded to the necessity of his own 
exertions for support, till his fortieth year, when the new Duke thought 
proper to stir in his behalf. The truth is, a severe illness had left 
Mr. D.'s mind and nerves in such a pitiful shattered state, as to make 
him unfit for any business whatever, except public affairs ; and accord- 
ingly it became the duty of his friends to procure him some post under 
government. So a proper application was made to his Grace, and 
through his influence and the fortunate circumstance of an election at 
the time, Mr. D. was appointed to the dreadful situation he at present 
enjoys. Of course we entirely acquit His Grace, who never set eyes 



3a 



rATfiONAGE. 



on my husband in his life, and therefore could not be expected to know 
the precise state of his constitution ; but I appeal to Your Lordship, 
whether it was proper patronage for a man shattered in mind and 
nerves, and subject to tremors, and palpitations, and bodily shocks of 
all sorts, to be made a Superintendent of Powder-Mills, with the con- 
dition of living attached to the works ? 

For my own part. Your Lordship, I looked on the Duke's letter of 
congratulations as neither more nor less than my poor husband's death- 
warrant Indeed he was so dreadfully alarmed himself, as to be quite 
distressing to witness. He did nothing, the whole afternoon, but walk 
up and down the room, shaking his head at himself in the looking- 
glass, or looking up at the ceiling, and muttering, as if he was already 

exploding sky high along 
with the Mills. But a 
refusal was out of the 
question, as it would 
have afforded his Grace 
too good an excuse for 
neglecting our interests 
for the future. To ag- 
gravate the case, the 
very day after our tak- 
ing possession, there was 
what is called a blow at 
the works, and though 
so trifling as only to 
carry a roof off a shed, 
it struck a cord on Mr. 
D.'s nerves that has 
never done vibrating 
ever since. I do not ex- 
aggerate to say, that if 
he had been struck with 
the palsy and St. Vitus, 
both at once, he could 
not have showed more corporal agitation. He trembled in every limb 
like an aspen tree ; while his eyes rolled, and his head went from side to 
side, like the China Mandarin's ; besides scouring up and down stairs, 
and rushing out of doors and in again, and trying all the chairs but could 
not sit any where, and stamping, and muttering, and dancing about, 
till I really expected he would scramble up the walls of the room, and 
fly across the ceiling, like our tortoiseshell cat in her fits. If I lived 
to Methusalem, Your Lordship, I should never forget it ! Unluckily, 
being new to his of&ce, a mistaken notion of duty possessed him that 
he ought not to quit the spot ; indeed he solemnly declared, that if a 
blow was to take place in his absence, he would rather commit his own 
suicide than face the report of it in the newspapers, which had already 
indulged in some seditious sneers at his appointment. All that could 




j.^-^-- 



"ONE BLACK BALL EXCLUDES.' 



PATHOMAGE. 33 

be done, tlierefore, was to pack off Lucy, and Emily and Eliza, on 
week's visits among friends ; myself remaining behind, as a wife's 
proper post, near my poor husband ; but on the discomfortable condi- 
tion of keeping under ground in the cellar, because gunpowder in con- 
vulsions always Uasts upwards. What my feelings were, as we are 
troubled with rats, Your Lordship may suppose ; particularly when Mr. 
D. was officially called upon to inspect the damage ; and never shall 
I forget his gashly appearance when he returned from his awful task ! 
He was literally as white as a sheet ; and totally incapable to get out a 
word, till he had swallowed three whole glasses of brandy! That 
settled his reason, — but it was only to tell me that he had scraped and 
grazed the skin off every nubble of his back-bone, by a bad fall from a 
ladder, which he had attempted to come down in wooden safety shoes. 
Such, Your Lordship, was our miserable day; and it brought as 
wretched a night. Bed would not be heard of — and we set up in two 
easy chairs, shuddering with fright and cold, being December, and every 
door and window thrown wide open, to give a thorough vent through the 
house, in case of another shock. For Mr. D. was unfortunately 
possessed that one blow always leads to another; and what with 
fancying flying sparks, for it was starlight, and sniffing fire, he had 
worked himself up, before morning, into a high fever and a light head. 
The nearest medical man was obliged to be called in — and he had to 
give frightful doses of laudanum before Mr. D.'s nerves could he lulled 
into a startlish sort of doze ; — and at waking, he was ordered to drink 
the strongest stimuluses ; as indeed are in use to the present time. 
But this continual brandy, brandy, brandy, as Your Lordship knows, is 
a dreadful remedy ; though, as my poor husband says, he cannot fill up 
his place without its help. At times I could almost believe, tho' I 
would not breathe such a thing except to Your Lordship, that between 
the stimuluses, and the delirium, and the whole shock to the system, 
Mr. D. is a littlo beside his senses. The mad Doctors do say, that we 
are all, every one of us, crazy on a certain subject ; and if such is the 
case, there can be no doubt that my husband's weak point is explosions, 
the extravagance of his precautions making him an everlasting torfnent 
to himself as well as to all about him. Of course it is to his dis- 
advantage, and magnifies his terrors, not to have been brought regularly 
up to the business ; not that he receives much comfort from those who 
have, for he says custom and habit have made them so daring and 
hardened, that they would not mind playing at snap-dragon in the 
Magazine, or grinding their knives on the millstone that crushes the 
gunpowder into grains. 

Since the above accident we have had, thank goodness, no more blows ; 
but, as Your Lordship is aware, a first impression will stick by us for all 
our lives to come. At the best of times, let my husband be reading, or 
writing, or eating his dinner, or in bed, or what not, the exploding notion 
will come across him like a flash of lightning ; as for instance last Friday 
was a week. Mr. and Mrs. Trotter had dropped in to tea ; after which 
we had a rubber; and were all very comfortable, my husband and mo 

SECOND SEEIE3. D 



34 



PATRONAGE. 



just in the nine holes, when all of a sudden there was a fall of something 
and a scream. Up jumps Mr. D. of course, chucking his cards here, 
there, and every where, and calling a blow ! a blow ! — and as usual 
Emily and Lucy and Eliza and me rushed off to the coal-cellar, while 
Mrs. T. went into a fit. It is true, by the blessing of Providence, it was 
only the Housemaid letting her pail fall to screech at a bat ; but what is 

very disagreeable, the 
Trotters are old friends, 
and have declined to set 
another foot within our 
doors. As for servants, 
it is next to impossible 
to keep one about me ; 
and as Your Lordship's 
own Lady will confirm, 
there is nothing more 
unpleasant to a Mistress 
of a House than to be 
continually changing. 
But nine out of ten pre- 
fer giving warning, to 
attending to so many 
punctiliums as are laid 
down; and those that 
are wUling to stay, break 
through so many of the 
rules, that I am obliged 
to discharge them, to pre- 
vent Mr. D. being ruffled 
by doing it himself. Be- 
sides it adds considerably to servant's works, to have chimneys swept 
so often as once a week, — and moreover, Mr. D. insists on keeping all 
flint and steels, and tinder, and matches, in his own bed-room, so that 
the housemaid has to go to him every morning for her lights. He is 
just as particular about extinguishing at night ; and I lost the best cook 
I ever had, through her sitting up in her bed-room to mend her stays, 
though she might have known Mr. D. would come in to put her out — 
all of which is extremely unpleasant, and to me in particular. 

These, Your Lordship, are serious domestic evils ; and I wish I 
could say they were confined to the house. But the workmen at the 
Mills are so ungrateful as to hate my husband for the over care ho 
obliges them to take of their own lives ; and make no secret of wanting 
his removal, by trying to torment him into resignation. Not a day 
passes without squabbles about smoking, for Mr. D. is apt to sniff 
tobacco, and insists on searching pockets for pipes, which the labourers 
one and all decline ; and besides scuffles, there have been several paj 
offs on the spot. The consequence is ill will and bad blood to their 
superior, and it is become a standing practical joke to play upon the 




BAT AND BAWL. 



rATBONAGlS 



35 



family feelings and fears, I have twice suffered all the disagreeables of 
escaping from nothing at all in my night dress, exposed to rheumatism, 
and the natives of a low neighbourhood ; indeed only last Sunday the 
fire bell was rung by nobody, and no wind at all to speak of. Another 
party at enmity is Doctor Worral and all his establishment ; because Mr. 
D. felt it his public duty to have the Doctor up before a Justice, for 
allowing his Young Gentlemen to send up fire-balloons. We had one day 
of dreadful excitement on my husband's part, through a wicked little wretch 
of a pupil flashing the sunshine into the Mill with a bit of looking- 
glass ; and of course we are indebted for the Swing letters we receive to 
the same juvenile quarters. To make bad worse, Mr. D. takes them all 
for Gospel, and the extra watchings and patrollings, and precautions, 
after getting a threatening notice, are enough to wear out all our hearts. 
As regards the School, I am ready to agree that it is too near the 
Works ; and to tell the truth, I shake in my shoes as much as Mr. D., 
every fifth of November, at each squib and cracker that goes off. On 
the same score our own sons are an everlasting misery to us when they 
are at home; which they seldom are, poor fellows, on that account. 
But if there is one thing above another that boys delight to play with, 
it is gunpowder ; and being at the very fountain-head. Your Lordship, 
may conceive the constant care it is to prevent their getting at it, and 
what is worse, not always crowned with success. Indeed even more 
innocent playthings are 'k'- 

obliged to be guarded 
against; for as their 
father says, " a little 
brat, just breeched, may 
strike light enough to 
blow up a whole neigh- 
bourhood, through only 
spinning a peg-top in a 
paved yard." 

Such, your Lordship, 
is our present melan- 
choly state. I have not 
dwelt, as I might do, on 
expenses, such as the 
dresses that are spoiled 
in the £oal-cellar; the 
paying months'' wages 
instead of warnings ; nor 
the trays upon trays of 
glass and china that are 
chucked down, as the 
way the servants always 
empty their hands when 
making their escapes from my husband's false alarms. Sometimes it's a 
chair falls overhead ; or the wind slams the back door; or a smell of burnt 

ij2 




PKESSURE FltOM WITHOUT. 



36 



PATRONAGE. 



wood from the kitchen ; or the ironing- blanket ; , or fat catohed ; or fall of 
soot; or a candle-snuff ; or a smoky coal; or, as I have known before 
now, only the smell of the drains ; with a hundred other little things 
that will spring up in families, take what care you will. I ought not to 
forget thunder-storms, which are another source of trouble ; for, besides 
seeing a dozen fanciful flashes for one real one, it is the misfortune of 
Mr. D. not to put faith in conductors, or, to use his own worsd, " in 
Franklin, philosophy, and fiddle-sticks, — and a birch rod as likely to 
frighten away lightning as an iron one," In the meantime, through the 
constant frights and flurries, I begin to find my own nerves infected by 
bad example, and getting into startlish habits ; and my daughter Lucy, 
who was alwa3'S delicate, seems actually going into a poor low way. 

Agreeable society might 
'^ ' •i'S rr'^r--, do much to enliven our 

spirits ; but my hus- 
band is become very shy 
of visiters, ever since 
Captain Gower was so 
inconsiderate as to walk 
in, one foggy night, with 
a lighted cigar in his 
mouth. In fact he quite 
sets his face against the 
male sex ; for, if they do 
not smoke cigars, he 
says, and carry lucifers, 
they strut on their iron 
heels, and flourish about 
with iron-pointed walk- 
ing-sticks, and umbrel- 
las. All which. Your 
Lordship, is extremely 
hard on myself and 
daughters, who, like all 
young people, are fond 
of a little gaiety; but 
tlie very utmost they are allowed, is a single quadrille party at Christ- 
mas, and then they are all obliged to dance in list shoes. 

I humbly trust to Your Lordship's liberality, and goodness of heart, to 
view the particulars of the above melancholy statement with attentive 
consideration. As it may occur to inquire how we have suffered so long 
without complaining, I beg to inform Your Lordship, that, being such a 
time of profound peace, we have lived on from year to year in the hope 
that no more ammunition woul(| be required ; and consequently the 
place would become a comfortable sinecure. But it appears that Spain 
and Portugal, and other countries, have gone to war on condition of 
being supplied with gunpowder ; and accordingly, to out bitter disappoint- 
ment, the works are as vigorous as ever. Your Lord-hip will admit the 




A SET-OFF IN ACCOUNT. 



PATRONAGE. o7 

hardship of such a cruel position to a man of Mr. D.'s very peculiar 
constitution ; and I do hope and trust will also regard his interests with 
a favourable eye, in consideration of his long-standing claims upon the 
country. What his friends most desire for him is, some official situation, 
— of course with a sufficient income to support his consequence, and a 
numerous family, — but without any business attached to it, or only as 
much as might help to amuse his mind for one or two hours in the day. 
Such a removal, considering my husband's unfitness for anything else, 
could occasion no sort of injury to the public service ; particularly as his 
vacancy would be so easy to fill up. There are hundreds and thousands 
of laud and sea officers on half pay, who have been used to popping, and 
banging, and blowing up rockets and bomb-shells, all their lives ; and 
would, therefore, not object to the Powder Mills ; especially as the 
salary is handsome, with a rent-free house and garden, coal and candles, 
and all the other little perquisites that belong to public posts. As regards 
ourselves, on the contrary, any interest is preferable to the gunpowder 
interest; and I take upon myself to say, that Mr. D. would be most 
proud and happy to receive any favour from Your Lordship's administra- 
tion ; as well as answering for his pursuing any line of political principles, 
conservative or unconservative, that might be chalked out. Any such 
act of patronage would command the eternal gratitude of Mr. D., self, 
and family ; and, repeating a thousand apologies for thus addressing, 
I beg leave to remain 

Your Lordship's most humble, obedient, and devoted servant, 

Lucy Emily Dextek. 

P.S. — Since writing the above, I am sorry to inform your Lordship, 
that we have had another little blow, and Mr. D.'s state is indescribable. 
He is more shaken than ever, and particularly through going all down 
the stairs in three jumps.. He was sitting reading at the time, and, as 
he thinks, in his spectacles ; but as they are not to be found, he is 
possessed that they have been driven into his head. 




LORD now VOU MADE MB JUMP. 




A siEr-iA-Nocin:. 



"NAPOLEON'S MIDNIGHT EEVIEW." 

A NEW VERSION. 



In his bed, bolt upright, 

In the dead of the night, 
The French Emperor starts like a ghost ! 

By a dream held in charm, 

He uplifts his right arm. 
For he dreams of reviewing his host. 

To the stable he glides, 

For the charger he rides ; 
And he mounts him, still under the spell; 

Then, with echoing tramp. 

They proceed through the camp. 
All intent on a task he loves well. 

Such a sight soon alarms. 

And the guards present arms, 
As he glides to the posts that they keep ; 

Then he gives the brief word, 

And the bugle is heard. 
Like a hound giving tongue in its sleep. 



" napoleon's midxight review.' 39 

Next the drums tbey arouse, 

But ■with dull row-de-dows, 
And they give but a somnolent sound ; 

Whilst the foot and horse, both, 

Very slowly and loth. 
Begin drowsily mustering round. 

To the right and left hand, 

They fall in, by command. 
In a line that might be better dress'd ; 

Whilst the steeds blink and nod, 

And the lancers think odd 
To be rous'd like the spears from their rest. 

With their mouths of wide shape, 

Mortars seem all agape, 
Heavy guns look more heavy with sleep ; 

And, whatever their bore, 

Seem to think it one more 
In the night such a field day to keep. 

Then the arms, christened small, 

Fire no volley at all, 
But go off, like the rest, in a doze ; 

And the eagles, poor things. 

Tuck their heads 'neath their wings. 
And the band ends in tunes through the nose. 

Till each pupil of Mars 

Takes a wink like the stars — 
Open order no eye cau obey : 

If the plumes in their heads 

Were the feathers of beds. 
Never top could be sounder than they ! 

So, just wishing good night. 

Bows Napoleon, polite ; 
But instead of a loyal endeavour 

To reply with a cheer ; 

Not a sound met his ear. 
Though each face seem'd to say, " Nap for ever ! " 




"PIE-DAUj." 



40 



ANIMAL MAGNETISM. 




' * Charlatan is rising in public favour, and has many bacJcers "who iooh him to 
win." — Sporting Intelligence. 



Of all the signs of the times — considering them literally as signs, 
and the puhlic literally as " a jmUic " — there are none more remarkable 
than the Hahnemann's Head, — the Crown and Compasses, devoted to 
Gall and Spurzheim's entire, — and the Cock and Bull, that hangs out 
at the House of Call for Animal Magnetizers. The last concern, 
especially — a daring, glaring, flaring, gin-palace-like establishment — is 
a moral phenomenon. That a tap dispensing a raw, heady, very 
unrectified article, should obtain any custom whatever, in a reputed 
genteel and well-lighted neighbourhood, seems- quite impossible ; yet 
such is the incomprehensible fact ; — respectable parties, scientific men, 
and even physicians, in good practice in all other respects, have 
notoriously frequented the bar, from which they have issued again, 
walking all sorts of ways at once, or more frequently falling asleep on 
the steps, but still talking such " rambling skimble-skamble stuff" as 
would naturally be suggested by the incoherent visions of a drunken 
man. Such exhibitions, however, are comparatively rare in Londoa to 
their occurrence in Paris, which city has always taken the lead of our 
own capital in matters of novelty. It is asserted by a good authority, 
that at a French concern, in the same line, no less than seventy-eight 
" medical men, and sixty-three other very intelligent individuals," 
became thoroughly muzzy and mistified, and so completely lost all 
" clairvoyance " of their own, that they applied to an individual to read 



ANIMAL MAGSETTSM. 



41, 



a book and a letter to them ; to tell them the hour on their own 
watches; to mention the pips on the cards ; and, by way of putting the 
state of their " intuitive foresight " beyond question, they actually 
appealed to the iacteight of a man who was sound asleep ! A bout on 
so large a scale has not been attempted, hitherto, in the English 
metropolis; but as all fashions transplanted from Paris flourish 
vigorously in our soil, it is not improbable that we may yet see a 
meeting of the College of Physicians rendered very how-come-you-so 
indeed by an excess of 
Mesmer's " particular.'' 
The influence of such 
an example could not 
fail to have a powerful 
influence on all classes ; 
and a pernicious narcotic 
would come into general 
use ; the notorious effect 
of which is to under- 
mine the reason of its 
votaries, and rob them 
of their common senses. 
To avert such a national 
evil, surely demands the 
timely efforts of our 
philanthropists ; and, 
above all, of those per- 
sons who have set their 
faces against the Old 
Tom — not of Lincoln, 
but of London — ^and in 
their zeal for the public 
sobriety, aim at even 

converting the brewers' kilderkins into pumpkins. — Seriously, might 
not the Temperance Societies extend the sphere of their operations, by 
a whole hemisphere, and perhaps with equal advantage to mankind, by 
attacking mental dram-drinking, as well as the bodily tippling of 
ardent spirits ? The bewildered rollings, reelings, and idiotic effusions 
of mere animal drunkenness can hardly be more degrading to rational 
human beings, than the crazy toddlings and twaddlings of a bemused 
mind, whether only maudlin with infinitesimal doses of quackery, or 
rampant to mad staggers with the Ztts^ious compounds and Devil's 
Elixirs of the Mesmerian Distillery. Take the wildest freaks of the 
most fuddled, muddled, bepuddled soaker, — such as " trying to light his 
pipe at a pump," — attempting to wind up a plug with his watch-key, — 
or requesting, from a damp bed in the gutter, to be tucked in, — and are 
they a bit, or a whit, or a jot, or a what-not, more absurd, more 
extravagant, or more indicative of imbecility of reason, than the vagary 
of a somnambulist, gravely going through the back-gammon of reading 




'^^'f^^i^j^'m 



•l WAS TOLD I SHOULD FIND HERE SOME TRAP EOCKS I 



42 



ANIMAL MAQNEIISM. 



Back's Journal, or a back-number of the Retrospective Review, through 
the back of his head ? 

In case the great Water Companies alluded to should think proper to 
adopt the foregoing suggestions, the following genuine letters are placed 
very much at their service, as materials to be worked up into Tracts : — 

(Copj.) 

To Mr. Robert Holland, Liiien-Draper, No. 19i, Tottenham Court 
Road, London. 
Deae Bob, 
Hoping you are well, and well-doing, we have heard such wonderful 
nocouuts in our parts lately about animal magnetizing, without any clear 

notion what it is. 

My own notion is, 
it must be something 
new of my Lord Spen- 
ser's — Althorp as was 
— who was always very 
curious about his beasts. 
Others do say the 
Duke of Bedford, with 
a fresh cattle show — 
nobody knows. 

Now you are just at 
the fountain-head to 
learn, and as most of us down here is more or less engaged in breeding 
stock, it would be a main thing to be put up to the secret at its first start. 
Also whether it is expensive to buy — and who found it out — and 
if likely to do away with oilcake and mangel wurzel, and such like 
particulars. 

Praise be blest, we are all stout and hearty, except your poor aunt, 
who died three year ago. Which is all the news at present from. 

Dear Bob, 

Your loving Uncle, 

Reuben Oxenham. 




WBINGING OUT THE OLD YEAR. 



(Copy.) 
To Mr. Reuben Oxenham, Q-razicr, Gi-asslands, near Lincolnshire. 

Dear Uncle, 
I was agreeably surprised by your breaking silence ; for I had made 
up my mind you was a distrest farmer gone off swan hopping (excuse 
the joke) to Swan River, or to get settled among the Dutch boars and 
lions at the Cape of Good Hope. Thank heaven such is not the case ; 
though damped with my dear aunt's going off. I little thought, poor 
soul ! the why and wherefore my goose three Christmases ago was the 
last! But we must all be cut off some day or other, which is a 
religious consolation for the remnants that are left behind. 



ANIMAL MAGNETISM. 



43 



I have examined, as you desired, a sample of animal magnetism ; 
which turns out to be the reverse of every thing you expect. Indeed 
such might have been anticipated by a little forethought on the subject. 
There is nothing to describe about animals to such as you, that deal in 
them of all quaUties ; but it is quite likely that you have forgot all 
about magnets, since the days of your youth. But perhaps, when they 
are named to you, your memory may serve to recollect little bone boxes, 
at sixpence a piece, with a blackamoor's head atop, and a little bar of 
philosopher's steel inside, that points out the north, and sets a needle 
dancing like mad. It 
likewise picks up emery, 
and sticks fast to the 
blade of a knife. But 
that is all its powers are 
competent to — and of 
course on too small a 
scale to have any danc- 
ing, or lifting, or sticking 
effect on objects so big as 
bullocks, or even a pig, 
or a sheep. Accordingly, 
you will not be surprised 
to hear that animal 
magnetism has nothing 
at all to do with beasts 
or loadstones either ; 
but is all of a piece with 
juggling, quacksalving, 
and mountebanking, 
such as universal physic, 
spitting Coventry rib- 
bons, tumbling, and pos- 
turing, thimble-rig, and 

the like fabrics. One of the principal tricks is sending people off to 
sleep against their wills ; not so new a trick though, but it has been heard 
of years and years ago at Bow Street ; and easy enough to perform any 
day, with a pint of porter, — provided one was rogue enough to want to 
hocus-pocus the money out of other people's pockets into one's own. 
To come to the point, there's an outlandish Count set up in it at the 
west end ; and no doubt will realise a fortune. He has his carriage- 
people for customers, as well as Howel and James ; indeed, I have 
heard of the Somebodies as well as Nobodies running after common 
fortune-tellers* tales, and not too high to be above going up into their 
back garrets. Some say he is a Frenchman, others say a German ; but 
the last for choice, for he smokes enough to drive all the rats out of the 
neighbourhood. Besides, the Germans, I'm told, will believe anything, 
provided it's impossible ; which is some excuse for their wanting other 
people to give the same long credits ; and besides, Germans as well as 




swAN-HOPrnfo. 



44 ANIMAL MAGNETISM. 

French, and indeed all other foreigners, for that matter, though ever 
such honest people in the main ; yet when they do turn rogues at 
English expense, they invariably go more than the whole hog, namely, 
boar, sow, sucking pigs and all. So I determined to go wide awake, 
and to keep my eyes open, too, by not taking bit or sup in the house, if 
offered ever so politely. It is surely not showing disrespect to hospi- 
tality, to object to hocussed victuals and drinks. I might have spared 
my fears, however ; for there was nothing provided but the ledgerde- 
main, &c., and that was charged a guinea for, which you can repay at 
convenience. I preferred to see somebody else conjured before me ; so 
another patient was taken first. She was a fine strapping young 
woman enough, dressed half and half between a fine lady and a servant- 
maid ; but as sly-looking a baggage as you could select from an assort- 
ment of gypseys ; and unless lier face belied her, quite capable of 
scratching a Cock Lane ghost. Indeed something came across me that 
I had seen her before ; and if memory don't deceive, it was at some 
private theatricals contrary to law. For certain she could keep her 
countenance ; for if the outlandish figure of a doctor, with his queer 
faces, had postured, and pawed, and poked towards me, with his fingers, 
for all the world like the old game of " My grandmother sends you a 
staff, and you're neither to smile nor to laugh," as he did to her, 
I should have bursted, to a dead certainty ; instead of going off, as she 
did, into an easy sleep. As soon as she was sound, the Count turned 
round to me and the company with his broken English — " Ladies and 
gentlemens," says he, " look here at dis yoong maidens, Mizz Chariot 
Ann Elizabet Martin " — for that is his way of talking. " Wid my 
magnetismuses I tro her into von state of sombamboozleism " — or some- 
thing to that effect. "Mizz Chariot Ann, dou art a slip." "As fast 
as a church. Mister Count," says she, talking and hearing as easy as 
broad awake. " Ferry goot," says he. " Now I take dis boke, — 
Missis Glasse Cokery, — and I shall make de maidens read som little of 
him wid her back. Dere he is bytween her sholders. Mizz Chariot 
Ann what you see now mit your eyes turned de wrong way for to look?" 
" Why, then," says she, " Mr. Count, I see quite plain a T and an 0. 
Then comes E, and 0, and S, and T — and the next word is H, and A, 
and I, and R." "Ferry goot," cries the Count over again. "Dat is to 
rost de hare. Ladies and gentlemens, you all here ? As Gott is my 
shudge, so is here in de boke. Now den, Mizz Chariot Ann, vons 
more. Vot you test in your mouse ? " " Why then. Master," says 
Charlotte Ann, " as sure as fate, I taste sweet herbs chopped up 
small ! " " Ferry goot indeed ! — hot what mor by sides de sweet 
herrubs ? " " Why," says she, " it's a relish of salt, and pepper, and 
mace, — and, let me see — there's a flaivour of currant jelly." " Besser 
and besser ! " cries the Count. " Ladies and gentlemens, are not dese 
voonJerfools ? You shall see every wart of it in de print. Mizz Chariot 
Ann, vot you feel now ? " " Lawk a mercy. Mister Count," says she, 
" there's a sort of stuffy feel, so there is, in my inside ! " " Yaw ! like 
van fool belly! Ferry goot! Now you feel vot?" "Feel! Mister 



ANIMAL MAGNETISM. 



45 



Oounl? " says she — " why I don't feel nothing at all — the stuffiness is 
gone clean away ! " " Yaw, my shild ! " says he. " Dat is by cause I 
take avay de cokery boke from your two sholders. Ladies and gentle- 
mens, dese is grand powers of magnetismus ! Ach himmel ! As 
Hamlet sav, dere is more in our philosofies dan dere is in de heaven or 
de earth ! Our mutter Nature is so fond to hide her face ! Bot von 
adept, so as me, can lift up a whale ! " 

To shorten a long story, the sombamboosleism lasted for two hours ; 
while Miss Chariot Ann told fortunes in her sleep, and named people's 
inward complaints, and prescribed for them with her eyes shut. Mine 
was dropsy ; and 1 was to take antimonious wine three times a-day, to 
throw the water off my stomach. So, if you like to ask your apothecary, 
or the pariah doctor, they will be able to tell you whether it looks like 
proper practice or the 
reverse. For my own 
part, 1 mean to suspend 
myself till I feel more 
symptoms ; and in the 
meantime I have experir 
mented on myself so far 
as to try behind my 
back with the Eeady 
Reckoner. But I could 
not even see the book, 
much less make out a 
figure. To be sure I 
was broad awake, but it 
stands to reason that the 
circumstance only gave 
the better chance in its 
favour — at least it has 
always been reckoned 
so with a book held the 
proper natural way. I 
was the more particular 
with the book-work, be- 
cause it looked like the 

master-key to let you into the whole house: — for no doubt, if you can do 
that trick, you can do all the rest, and have a hare dressed between 
your shoulders as easily as a blister. But to my mind it is all sham 
Abraham ; or the little boys that go every day with whole satchels full 
of books at their backs would know rather more about them than they 
do generally at leaving off school. 

And now. Uncle, I have explained to you all about Animal Magnetism ; 
and, says you, there are many things that come by names they have no 
right to, without going to Scotland, where you know they call a pitcher 
a pig. So it is very lucky, on the whole, that you wrote to me, instead 
of posting up to London on a fool's errand, — as did a respectable 




SLEEPING DRAUGHTS. 



40 



ANIMAL MAGNETISM. 



Lancashire grazing gentleman, the other day, in the newspapers, who 
was hoaxed all the way up to town, hy a false notion that Animal 
Magnifying, as he called it, was some new, cheap, and quick way of 
fatting cattle. It will maybe turn out quite as deceitful an article as to 
its other qualities ; and in that case, if I had the luck to be a magis- 
trate, I would cold pig the sleeping partners with Cold Bath Fields, 
and send off the active ones, to take a walk at a cart's tail, with some- 
thing they could feel, if they could not read it, on their backs and 
shoulders. That's how I would measure out ithe law, if I was Lord 
Chief Justice. In which sentiments I conclude, with love to yourself, 
and all my cousins, if I have any living — with my best condolences for 
my poor late Aunt. As to business, I have only broken twice as yet ; 
which is doing pretty well, considering the hard times and the state of 
trade. Wishing you the like prosperity, with health, and every other 
blessing, I remain, dear Uncle, 

Your affectionate nephew, 

EoBEKT Holland. 

P.S. Since the foregoing, I have discussed the subject with a 
neighbour, a Veterany Surgeon ; and he says it is all very well for the 
old men and women Physicians, but won't go down with the Horse 
Doctors. " However," says he, "if you are bent on trying it, I will 
give you a receipt. Take a two-year old full blood colt, half broke, or 
not broke at all — if vicious, so much the better. Shoe him behind with 
a couple of stout horse-shoe loadstones, and then stand convenient, and 
take a tug or two at his tail, till you feel him begin to operate. That's 
Animal Magnetism, and will do you quite as much good or harm as the 
other new kick, and save you all the fees besides. 




SOMNAMDULIaXI. 




A UAXOEy assize;. 



THE FOELOEN SHEPHERD'S COMPLAINT. 

AX UNPITBUSHED POEM, FKOM SIDNEY. 



It may be necessary to bespeak the indulgent consideration of the 
reader, for the appearance of the following Curiosity in such a work. 
The truth is, the pages of the Comic Annual naturally present to me 
the most obyious means of making the Poem known ; besides, as it 
were, offering personal security for my own belief in its authenticity'. 
And, considering my literary credit as so pledged, I do not hesitate to 
affirm that I think the effusion in question may confidently be referred 
to Sidney : and even — on the internal evidence of its pastoral character 
— to the Arcadia. The verses have never till now appeared in print. 
The lover of Old English Poetry would vainly hunt for it in any edition 
extant of the works of Sir Philip ; and, probably, the family records and 
remains at Pensburst might be searched to as little purpose for a copy 
in MS. From the extreme quaintness of the original, which would 
have required the help of a glossary to render it generally intelligible, 
I have thought it advisable to translate many of the phrases into more 
current language; but scrupulously preserving the sense of the text. 
Enougb of the peculiar style, however, still remains, to aid in forming a 
judgment of the author's sera. As for the apparent incongruity of the 



48 THE FORLORN SHEPHEEd's COMPLAINT. 

double vocation ascribed to the tuneful Swain in the Poem, besides 
abundant classical evidence that the Corydons of ancient times were 
often, also, heroes, or warriors, or adventurers, we have the positive 
contemporary testimony of modern travellers, that in those very pastures 
where the scene is laid, it is at this day the practice to entrust the 
charge of the flocks to personages who have formerly been engaged in 
the same perilous career as the " Forlorn Shepherd " His lament, it 
will be seen, is full of regrets and stealing tears for the stirring times of 
Auld Lang Sync. 

THE FOELOEN SHEPHEED'S COMPLAINT. 

" Veil ! Here I am — no Matter how it suits 
A-keeping Company with them dumb Brutes, 
Old Park vos no bad Judge — confound his vig ! 
Of vot vood break the Sperrit of a Prig ! 

" The Like of Me, to come to New Sow Wales 
To go a-tagging arter Vethers' Tails 
And valk in Herbage as deliglits the Flock, 
But stinks of Sweet Herbs vorser nor the Dock ! 

" To go to set this solitary Job 
To Von whose Vork vos alvay in a Mob ! 
It's out of all our Lines, for sure I am 
Jack Sliepherd even never kep a Lamb ! 




A PUBLIC DINNER. 



" I arn't ashamed to say I sit and veep 
To think of Seven Year of keepin Sheep, 
The spooniest Beasts in Nater, all to Sticks, 
And not a Votch to take for all their Ticks ! 

" If I'd fore-seed how Transports vould turn out 
To only Baa ! and Botanize about, 
I'd quite as leaf have had the t'other Pull, 
And come to Cotton as to all this Vool ! 



THE FORLORN SflErilEKD S COMPLAINT. 



49 



" Von only happy moment I have had 
Since here I come to be a Farmer's Cad, 
And then I cotch'd a vild Beast in a Snooze, 
And pick'd her Pouch of three young Kangaroos ! 

" Vot chance have I to go to Eace or Mill ? 
Or show a sneaking Kindness for a Till ; 
And as for Vashings, on a hedge to dry, 
I'd put the Natives' Linen in my Eye ! 

" If this whole Lot of Mutton I could scrag, 
And find a Fence to turn it into Swag, 
I'd give it all in Lonnon Streets to stand, 
And if I had my pick, I'd say the Strand ! 

" But ven I goes, as maybe vonce I shall. 
To my old Crib to meet with Jack, and Sal, 
I've been so gallows honest in this Place, 
I shan't not like to show my sheepish Face, 

" It's wery hard for nothing but a Box 
Of Irish Blackguard to be keepin' Flocks, 
'Mong naked Blacks, sich Savages to bus. 
They've nayther got a Pocket nor a Pus. 

" But Folks may tell their Troubles till they're sicl; 
To dumb brute Beasts, — and so I'll cut my Stick ! 
And vot's the Use a Feller's Eyes to pipe 
Vere von can't borrow any Gemmaii's Vipe ? " 




EEOOND SEl'.IBS. 



OUT OF SiailT OUT OF UlSD. 



50 




SriAREHOLDEES OF THE THAMES TUNNEL, A.D. 1938. 



EEVIEW. 

The Eamhles of Piseator. By Sylvands SuB■□EBA^^ 
Fisher. London. 183Y. 



To sit down soberly to review a work upon Fishing is out of the 
question. At the very first piscatory paragraph, the angling rod 
swallows up the critical ditto, and we cannot write a single line till 
we have wetted one. That is precisely our temptation at present, and 
there is no remedy, except like other sporting gentlemen when they are 
troubled with their books, to levant. So away we go — at a right angle 
— stop us who can! Out of the way all Printers' Devils, or we will 
give you thlN)utt ! We can look at no proofs but water-proofs in the 
shape of boots. Now for our fustians, and now for our hats — but 
wherefore retain the critical plural, when the first person singular is 
quite sufficient for the Contemplative Man's Recreation ? — Indeed most 
amateurs prefer, with Coriolanus, to do it alone ! 

I have grasped my implement, then ; pocketed my tackle, and am 
armed all ready for the start — but whither? I will set up my rod on 
end and be determined by its fall. There ! — Due North ! A divining 
rod, by Jove ! What a mysterious instinct in hazel ! — why, that's the 
New River ! So much the better, for to that Middletonian stream 1 
am indebted, as Filch says, for my education. I could go the vsray blind- 
fold. Up Hatton-Garden down Something Hill, across What-d'ye-call- 
it-Square, along Thingamy Row, then through So-and-So Fields — but 



BEVtEW. 1 

alas ! I see tliey are bricked over ! — and then Sadler's Wells ! Yes, 
that building before me was formerly dear funny Joe Grimaidi's old 
Theatre, and those tavern gardens behind me used to be Little Vaux- 
hall. But I can't stop to moralize. Hollo there ! you in the cord'roys ! 
— But there are nine in cord'roys — You in the ragged cap — ^but there 
are four in ragged caps — you in the blue pinafore then, — a shilling for 
that paper of worms. There's your money — and now be off to your 
book, for it's any odds to nothing that you're a truant. That Doctor's 
boy will go along with you — there are no roaches here — and besides the 
little Hoopers have been coughing the last hour for their Eoach's 
embrocation. 

Now then I'm set up for bait. A few gentles wouldn't be amiss, but 
that hobble-de-hoy in raw pork-sausage colour, with skyblue sleeves, and 
a tray on his head, says " he never know'd 'em so blow'd scarce." Now 
then for the height of human felicity, at least in these parts ; a live 
gudgeon in a gallipot ! But stop — that's a valuable hint from the tall 
charity-boy, to spit first in the water for luck ! So — my float is launched. 
There's a big fellow yonder laughing at me, may be one of the Stock- 
bridge Club, or Christopher North himself, but I don't care a split shot. 
" The London Angler," as Salter says, " is ridiculed by none but the 
Shallows." The fewer the fins the more skill in bagging them. The 
fishes here know what fishing is. They don't shut their eyes and open 
their mouths ; good reason why ! for most of them have had a warning 
or two about worms and a few gentle hints about gentles. They're 
shyer than those in the Lea, and there they are uncommonly wary, even 
on this side of Ware. As for New Eiver fish, some of them have had 
such experience, I verily believe they know a Kendal hook from a 
Kirby. It's next to impossible to worm yourself into their confidence ; 
and if you can't take them in, of course you won't take them out. 

The New Eiver is a free fishery, and never without plenty to take up 
their freedom. Let's just count heads. There are seven charity boys, 
two men, four young blackguards and three young gentlemen on the 
other side— and one old gentleman (that's me) four errand-boys, two 
doctor's ditto, two butcher's ditto, a climbing boy, and a little boy in 
petticoats, on this. Now look at the bridge. There are three lads 
sitting on the coping, another sweep holding on by the iron rails, and 
next to him a lathy chap with white nightcap white face white jacket 
white apron white stockings and whitish shoes, hanging over the stream 
like the Flour of Yarrow. Now I think of it, it's my remark that of all 
the fisher-boys I have ever seen I never yet noticed a Jew boy. The 
old curse prohibiting rest for the sole of the foot is perhaps too much 
against it, for New Eiver angling is, it must be confessed, of the still 
description. But hush — there is something at me, or something like it. 
I say. Butcher, which of those green and white floats is mine ? " Vich- 
ever I pulls up ! "—Thankee, but they both pulls up at once. The 
tackle in this republican free and easy water is wonderfully given to 
fraternize. There !— we're all clear—somehow— hut as the butcher has 
broken his top-joint he thinks it is time to deliver the joint of mutton. 

e2 



52 



REVIEW. 



Another nibble — not at me though, but at the little boy. Ah, the 
climbing gentleman is right, it is "ony a veed ! " But don't go away, 
little boy — never give up — the last time I was here I almost caught a 
bleak! There! — I told you so : there's a bite at somebody over the 
way. Huzza ! that's right ! All strike at once and you're sure to have 

him. There he comes 
— and now for a wran- 
gle. No less than three 
lines have sworn to cling 
to each other through 
thick and thin, and up 
they fly all in a tangle. 
Now then for the old 
remedy, a long pull a 
strong pull and a pull 
all together. Go it, Gut! 
Tug away. Horse hair ! 
Hold on, Hemp ! String 
wins ! What a pity the 
Stockbridge man is gone 
away ! Well, an' what 
is it ? The old answer ; 
" I don't know, but it's 
either a gudgeon or a 
perch, or a chub I " No 
matter — ^put it into the 
basket ; but as usual 
you've got no basket, 
and I doubt if the baker 
will sell you his. It's 
the first fish, however, and a very fine one for the place. 

Well done Muffin-cap number nineteen I — but now you must cut out, 
for you have no right to distress the water. I can tell you for your 
comfort it's the biggest I ever saw pulled out there except one, and that 
was years and years ago. He was full six inches long and couldn't be 
unhooked for want of a disgorger, that nobody had the thought to 
bring — so the lucky one carried him home to Barbican hanging just as 
he was, and a whole mob of people after him. How he was ever let 
grow to such a size I can't guess, unless he lived up a mainpipe. You've 
had glorious sport, so good bye — but yes, you're right, show the great 
fish to everybody before you go. It's a sight for sore eyes hereabouts — 
but hush, there's one at me, as big as yours perhaps who knows? Ah, 
I didn't give him time enough, but we all strike too soon or too late in 
this water. 

I say, Sweeper, keep out of my swim ! Talking of striking, I never 
knew exactly till now what a striking countenance is ; but that baker 
never twitches up his line without twitching up his nose and mouth 
along with it. What an ardent love of the art in every line of his face! 




THE NEW RIVER COMPANV. 



REVIEW. 



53 



He is quite in earnest-mind your eye, Fur-Oap ! for ho strikes as if he d 
pull up the bottom. I'll lay my life— but, Mercy on us 1 where s the little 
boy— Where's the little unbreeoh'd ? There'll be distracted parents some- 
where-who saw him last ? Such a genteel little fellow too— and so young 
—I shall never forgive myself— but hark ! I hear a small voice— Lord ! 
here he is sure enough, 

fishing between my legs! ^ 

It has made me nervous 
though; my hand shakes 
like a perpetual nibble, 
and I shan't lose the 
notion aU day of faUings 
in. I don't half like 
that fellow's seat upon 
the wooden rail. When 
cord'roys get glazed be- 
hind they're very slippy, 
as I know to my cost. 
I once had two famous 
hidings, three good kick- 
ings, a proper whack- 
ing, a regular wallop- 
ping, a rare bloody nose, 
and a precious black 
eye, for only tumbling in 
at that very spot ! It's 
no joke my little mas- 
ter, for all your laugh- 
ing. I once saw a little 

fellow slip in here, just your size ; and what do you think he said when 
he was pulled out? Why he said " I'll tell my mother! " and you'll 
be just as angry with everybody in the world if you slip in. So do go 
home, little boy — for you're fatal to my peace of mind — and you may 
come again when you're breeched. Put up, little boy, there's a man — 
but what is that fellow singing out, four off? Who'll lend you a worm? 
Why, I will. But mind, I expect to be paid honestly ; and I live at 
Brompton ! There's a very likely one — and I cry halves, whatever you 
catch. Mayhap if the weather would only be so kind as to mizzle a 
little — zounds ! what a devil of a splash ! Ah ! just what I expected — 
say I told you so. The enthusiastic baker has gone in after a gudgeon 
that slipped off his hook. Thank heaven he has learned to swim, — yes, 
that's right, lend him a hand to help him out, but then get away from 
him as fast as you can, unless you are sworn friends and have promised 
to stick to him. He'll be all over paste ! And now, between me and 
myself, all fishing will be done for hereabouts ; and so, as the policemen 
say, I'll move on. High time too— the loan of that worm has done my 
business — I've got too liberal a character for the neighbourhood. There 
are two more I see quite out of baits, — and yonder's a muffin-cap 




SON-SET COMPOSITION. 



54 REVIEW. 

making towards me with a liae minus a hook. So I wish you all, 
gentlemen, a tacit good morning. 

Owen's Row, here, used to be a comfortable spot, with its dwarf-wall 
to sit upon ; but the last time I enjoyed it, a Quaker lady, at number 
nine, read me a lecture all the time from her balcony, " You think you 
are fishing," says she, " but you're being fished for, &c. &c. and if you 
once bite at the Old Serpent," &c. &c. So I'll just step across the City 
Eoad. The air's particularly wholesome, opposite Rhodes's Cow Lair, — 
and thereby hangs a tale. The fact happened at the very spot where I 
am now standing — and so I'll just tell it to anybody that likes stories, 
while I put on a finer line. 

Well, it was well nigh six o'clock, and my old friend Corldndale, very 
well dressed of course, -was on his way to the Wells. There was to be 
a New Grand Aquatic Spectacle, and as usual with real water. It was 
fated, however, that Corkindale was to meet with another Entertain- 
ment in the same element, not announced in the bills. He had just 
arrived here, or hereabouts, when, all at once, he perceived something 
floating in the river which, if not a woman, was certainly a man in 
woman's clothes. In either case the duty was the same ; and in a 
moment the little man, perfumed and powdered, and in a bran-new suit, 
was plunging into the water like a Newfoundland dog. The object 
proved, as expected, to be a human body, not yet a corpse ; in short, he 
had the happiness of prolonging the life of an unfortunate female ; and 
was so well satisfied with his own performance that he abandoned all 
intention of going to the Theatre. So far so good ; and as any other 
man might have acted ; but with poor Corkindale the matter took a 
more singular turn, namely, a turn for pulling people out of rivers. 
The Humane Society unfortunately sent him a Silver Medal ; and from 
that hour the desire of saving increased upon him as it does with a 
Miser. He neglected his business to take long daily rambles by the 
Serpentine, or wherever else there seemed a chance of gratifying his 
propensity — and, above all, he haunted the scene of his former exploit, 
under the very common expectation that what had occurred once would 
happen again in the same locality. And, curiously enough, the calcula- 
tion was partly to be realized. 

At the same hour, on the same day of the week of the same mouth, 

as before, I was walking 
with him on our road to 
the Wells, when lo and 
behold ! at the identical 
spot we perceived a boy 
in the last stage of dis- 
tress, wringing his hands, 
weeping aloud, and gaz- 
ing intently for some- 
thing which seemed to 
have disappeared in the river. We of course inquired what was the 
matter; but the poor fellow was too overcome to speak intelligibly; 




POHBEK S END. 



S5 



though he was able to intimate by signs that the cause of his agony was 
in the water. In such cases every moment is precious ; and merely 
throwing off his new bat, Corkindale was instantly diving in the stream, 
where he kept under, indeed, so long, that I really began to fear he had 
been grappled by some perishing wretch at the bottom. At last, how- 
ever, be emerged ; but it was only to ask eagerly for a more explicit 
direction. By this time the poor boy was more composed, so as to be 
able to direct the search rather more to the left — which was vi'ith the 
current. Accordingly down went Corkindale, a second time, in the 
direction pointed out ; but with no better success ; and when he came 
up again between agitation and exertion he was alinost exhausted. At 
last he was just able to articulate " Gracious heaven ! — Nothing — not a 
shred." The anxiety of the poor boy, in the mean time, seemed ex- 
treme. " Laws bless you. Sir, for ever and ever," said he, " for going in. 
Sir — but do just try again — pray, pray do, Sir ! " Corkindale did not 
require urging. " Quick, quick," says he, maldng himself up for another 
attempt — "tell me — man or woman? " " Oh! how good on you, Sir," 
cries the boy, poor fellow, quite delighted at a fresh hope — " Oh how 
very, very good on you. Sir. But it's nobody, Sir, but a nook ! — a nook 
for fishing ! — And Lord ! Cri — ! if you don't find it — for I've got 
never a fardin for to buy another ! " 

And now to return to the book before us. It closely resembles all 
other works of the same class : and the remarks we have made upon any 
one of the family will apply equally to " The Kambles of Piscator, by 
Sylvanus Suburban." 




FLOATING CAPITAL. 




"to LAJJIES' EYES A ROUND, BOYS ! " 

CLUBS, 
TURNED UP BY A EEMALE HAND. 



■ Gluts ! Clubs ! part 'em ! part 'em ! Clubs ! Clubs ! " 

Ancient Cries of London. 



Of all the modern schemes of Mtin 

That time has brought to bear, 
A plague upon the wicked plan 

That parts the wedded pair ! 
My female friends they all agree 

They hardly know their hubs ; 
And heart and voice unite with mc, 

" We hate the name of Clubs ! " 

One selfish course the Wretches I.ecp ; 

They come at morning chimes, 
To snatch a few short hours of sleep - 

Else — breakfast — read the Times - 
Then take their hats, and post away, 

Like Clerks or City scrubs, 
And no one sees them all the da}', — 

They live, eat, drink, at Clubs ! 



CLUBS. 

On wbat they say, and what they do, 

They close the Club-House gates ; 
But one may guess a speech or two, 

Though shut from their debates : 
" The Cook's a hasher— nothing more - 

The Children noisy grubs — 
A Wife's a quiz, and home's a bore ' — 

Yes, — that's the style at Clubs ! 

With Bundle, Doctor K, or Glasse, 

And such Domestic Books, 
They once put up— but now, alas ! 

It's hey I for foreign cooks ! 
" When will you dine at home, my Dove?" 

I say to Mister Stubbs, — ■' 
" When Cook can make an omelette, love,— 
An omelette like the Club's ! " 

Time was, their hearts were only placed 

On snug domestic schemes. 
The book for two — united taste, — 

And such connubial dreams,- — 
Friends dropping in at close of day, 

To singles, doubles, rubs, — • 
A little music — then the tray— 

And not a word of Clubs ! 

But former comforts they condemn ; 

French kickshaws they discuss. 
They take their wine, the wine takes tliem, 

And then they favour us : — 
From some offence they can't digest, 

As cross as bears with cubs, 
Or sleepy, dull, and queer, at best — 

That's how they come from Clubs ! 

It's veiy fine to say " Subscribe 

To Andrews' — can't you read ? " 
When Wives, the poor neglected tribe, 

Complain how they proceed ! 
They'd better recommend at once 

Plailosophy and tubs, — 
A woman need not be a dunce 

To feel the wrong of Clubs. 

A set of savage Goths and Picts, 
Would seek us now and then — 

They're pretty pattern-Benedicts 
To guide our single men ! 



58 



Indeed my daughters both declare 
" Their Beaux shall not be subs 

To White's, or Black's, or anywhere, — 
They've seen enough of Clubs ! " 

They say, " ivithout the marriage ties, 

They can devote their hours 
To catechize or botanize — 

Shells, Sunday Schools, and flow'rs — 
Or teach a Pretty Poll new words. 

Tend Covent-Gardeu shrubs. 
Nurse dogs and chirp to little birds — 

As Wives do since the Clubs." 

Alas ! for those departed days 

Of social wedded life, 
When married folks had married ways, 

And lived like Man and Wife ! 
Oh ! Wedlock then was pick'd by noue— 

As safe a lock as Chubb 's ! 
But couples, that should be as one. 

Are now the Two of Clubs ! 

Of all the modern schemes of man 

That time has brought to beai-, 
A plague upon the wicked plan 

That parts the wedded pair ! 
My female friends they all allow 

They meet with slights, and snubs, 
And say, " they have no husbands uow,- 

They're married to their Clubs ! " 




CLUBS LEAD. 




ilOSr MUSICAI^ MOST ilELiXCH.LY. 



A NE^' SONG FEOM THE POLISH. 



It was my good fortune, one day, in a casual ramble through 
Deptford, to encounter an old, -whimsical, frost-bitten Tar, with whom I 
had made a slight Somerset House acquaintance. He was a North- 
Poler, by name Drury, but sumamed es-officio " Why Then? " and the 
recent return of the late Arctic Expedition affording us a congenial 
topic, I immediately broke the ice : — " Well, Drury, what do you think 
of the last exploring job in the Xordi ? " 

" Whr, then, your Honour," said Drury, taking up a talking position, 
" to speak my private mind, it's much the same as I said to you a year 
ago in the Xavy Pay. It's come to the same bad end as all afore it, and 
as all wiU come to that come arter it, by trying to find what's not to be 
found — no, not if you took out the Town Crier." 

" Ton stick to the old opinion, then, Drury, that the Arctic Pole is 
nothing but an Arctic Gull!" 

" Why then — ^yes, your Honour, — something between a gull and no 
bird at alL Since I see you last, I've turned it over and over, and took 
double turns of it, and by help of scripture lamings, which is worth all 
other l a min gs ten times over, not excepting navigation, I've been able 
to make out the pint" 

"Indeed, Drury! Then you vriU perhaps give an old friend the 
benefit of the decision." 

" Why then, your Honour, it's my own argument entirely ; and here 
it is. As for the Frozen Ocean, it's my belief, Natur vrould never act 
so agin natur, as stick a sea where there was no earthly use for it what- 
somever, whether to King's ships, or to Marchantmen, or any craft 
you like, by reason of the ice. That I call making Cape Clear." 



60 



A NEW SONG FROM THE POLISH. 



" And what then, Drury ? " 

" Why then, it stands to reason, and stands well too, on both legs, 
that there never was no sea at all in them high latitudes, afore the Great 
Flood. Whereby, there came sich a spring tide of the Atlantic, as went 
over and above all the old water-marks, and so made the Frozen Ocean. 
That's my own private notion, and not agin Gospel nor geografy neither." 
" But what has that to do, Drury, with the existence of the Pole? " 
" Why then — all the do in the world, your Honour. Give in to that, 
and the t'other comes arter it, like a ship's boat towing in her wake. 
That 'ere sea, time out of mind, has been called the Arctic Sea, and 
good reason why, because it was named arter the Ark, by Noah, when 
he diskivered it in his first voyage. That's Philosophy ! " 
" But the Pole, Drury, the Pole ! " 

" Why then — Ah, there it is ! " returned Drury, with a face almost 
too grave to be serious. " For sartin, Captain Parry couldn't find it — 
and no more could Captain Boss, though he don't stick to say he did — 
and now there's Captain Back come home, third, without a splinter. 
Howsomever the Schollards — and nobody can say they don't take lots of 
licking — the Schollards do still insist and lay down that there was, is, and 
shall be, some sort of a pole, as a May pole, or a Shaving pole, or any 
how a bit of a spar, or even such a comedown as a walking-stick, stuck 
upright at their favourite spot. I have even heard say, there be Schol- 
lards as look for a wooden needle there, accordin' to magnetism ! " 
" And what may be your own belief, Drury, on the point ? " 

"Why then, — to be sure, 
lTi'iV;i';'!.''"'(^'"iS your Honour, there's no deny- 
ing what phenomenons there 
might be, oceans ago, on the 
face of the earth. But it's my 
own private opinion, if ever 
there was sich a pole, there, 
or thereabouts, why then, old 
Admiral Noah carried it away 
with him for a pole to stir up 
'his wild beasts ! '" 

This new and original 
theory of Drury's of course 
amused me extremely. It was 
perhaps only one of the dry 
jokes for which the shrewd 
old Mariner was rather cele- 
brated; but in that case he 
enjoyed it only in the cockles 
of his heart, for it was not betrayed by his muscles. I now asked him 
his opinion of the conduct of the late Expedition. 

" Why then — your honour, nothing but a fresh credit to the Service. 
The men have showed themselves good men, and so has their Com- 
mander ; and they do seem to have had their full allowance, and some- 




DAIU! CIVILITY. 



A NEW SONG FROM THE POTISH. 



61 



thing handsome hesides, of nips, and pinches ; besides the ship's trying 
to climb up an iceberg after a booby's nest, and what was more awkward, 
starn-foremost." 

" And I have been told, Drury," said I, willing to still draw him out, 
" that all through the winter, she had nothing for winter clothing, but a 
great coat of ice ! " 

"Why then — so I heard too, your Honour," returned Drury, but 
without even the twinkle of an eye. " And what's more, with only ould 
Bluff Pint for a Cape to it. That's what I call a naked-next." 

" I have often envied the feelings of such as you, Drury, after a merry 
Christmas among the bears, when you first saw your way open to return." 

" Why then, — we did saw our way, sure enough," said Drury, wilfully 
misunderstanding me, " and its harder work than fiddling, saw what 
tune you like. I've had 
a good spell of it in my 
time, and prefer any 
other sort of fun to it — 
letting alone ridinghorse- 
back, in a hurry, a chas- 
ing the Portsmouth Mail. 
That's work and over- 
work — Why then, it's 
scaldings, the bosen's cat, 
and take-me-and-shake- 
me, all rolled into one?" 

" So I'm told, Drury. 
But I still think the 
other Expedition must 
be worse. They say, 
Captain Back was so glad 
tosee Papa Westra again, 
that he nearly wrung 
the old gentleman's hand 
off at the wrist." 

" Why then — no 
doubt on it, your Ho- 
nour ! And mayhap the 
shake communicated to 
a round dozen of hands 
arter the first, like the shock of a torpedor— that's to say the lecteral 
heel. There's not sich a pleasant green lane in life, including the 
sububs, as the first lane of open water arter wintering ;— and in course 
Capting Back, arter making sich a back-stay, would be joyful to be a 
bolt-rope and bolt out on it. That's only human natur,— all the world 
over and back." 

"Then, Drury, the hardships of a Polar wintering have not been 
magnified by their Journalists?" 

"Magnified! " exclaimed Drury, with the air of a personal offence in 




DISTRKSSEO SHIP-O'ffNERS. 



03 A NEW SONa FROM THE POLISH. 

the word — " Magnified ! Why then they haven't hook'd half on it — and 
that's the half us poor fellows come into at coming home. Axing your 
Honour's pardon,— why then you have never had the had luck to be 
drownded ? " 

" Never, Drury, whatever other catastrophe Fate may have in store 
for me." 

" Why then, your Honour, you have lost all the pleasure and comfort 
of being fetched back ; and an infernal sight of pain it is : — worse, if 
worse can be, nor saddleback. So it is with the Polers ; — but it has 
been put into better shore-going lingo than I was apprenticed to — and 
so — why then, here goes ! " So saying, without further preface or 
apology, my Ancient Mariner began to tune his pipes; and then 
favoured me, to the tune of " I sailed from the Downs in the Nancy," 
with the following ditty. N. B. or Notaries Beware— the words are 
copywrigbt. 

THE OLD POLEE'S "WARNING. 

Come, messmates, attend to a warning, 

From one who has gone through the whole ; 

And you'll never set sail, some fine morning, 

To seek any sort of a Pole. 

It's not for the ice-bergs and freezing. 

Or dangers you'll have for to court. 

It's the shocks very hard and unpleasing 

You'll meet on returning to port. 

It's joyful to sail up the Channel, 
And think of your girls and your wives, 
Of the warming-pans, Wallsend and flannel. 
To comfort the rest of your lives ! 
But Lord ! you will look like a ninny 
To find, when to shore you have got. 
That Old England is turned into Guinea, 
It feels so confoundedly hot ! 

The next thing is coming, in Wapping, 

To houses you lived at before. 

And you find there is no sort of stopping 

Without open windows and door ! 

Then Poll, if dispos'd to be cruel. 

Or has got some one else in her grace, 

She just chucks on a shovel of fuel. 

And drives you smack out of the place ! 

There's Tomkins, that took for to grapple 
With Methody Tracks at the Pole,' 
Is half crazy he can't go to chapel. 
It's so like Calcutta's Black Hole 1 



A NEW SONG FROM THE POI.TSII. 



03 



And Block, tho' he's not a deceiver, 
But knows what to marriage belongs. 
His own wife he's obleeg'd for to leave her, 
Because of her pokers and tongs ! 

M)'self, tho' I'm able at present 
To bear with one friend at a time, 
And my wife, if she makes herself pleasiiit, 
At first I was plagued with the clime. 
Like powder I flew from hot cinders, 
And whistled for winds fore and aft. 
While I set between two open winders 
A-courting a cold thorough-draft ! 

The first time in bed I was shoven. 
The moment I pillow'd my head. 
Oh ! I thought I had crept in an oven, 
A-baking with all of the bread ! 
I soon left the blankets behind me. 
And ran for a cooler retreat ; — 
But next morning the Justices fiu'd me 
For taking a snooze in the street ! 




** ALL HAVE THEIR EXITS AND THEIR ENTRANCED, 

Now, there was a chance for a feller ! 
No roof I could sleep under twice ; 
Till a Fishmonger let me his cellar, 
Of course with the use of the ice. 



6i IliXTS TO TllH HORTICULTURAL 

But Still, like old hermits in stories, 

I found it a dullish concarn ; 

With no creature, but maids and John Dorics 

To listen to spinning a yarn ! 

Then wanting to see Black-Ey'd Susan, 

I went to the Surrey with Sal ; 

And what next? — in the part most amusiu', 

I fainted away like a gal ! 

Well, there I was stretch'd without motion, 

No smells and no fans would suffice, 

Till my natur at last gave a notion 

To grab at a gentleman's ice ! 

Then, Messmates, attend to a warning 

From one who has gone through the whole. 

And you'll never set sail, some fine morning, 

To seek any sort of a Pole. 

It's not for the ice-bergs and freezing. 

Or dangers you'll have for to court ; 

It's the shocks, very hard and unpleasing. 

You'll meet on returning to port ! 



HINTS TO THE HORTICULTURAL. 



It is always dangerous — as landsmen experience when they advise 
seamen — for a mere theorist to offer suggestions to practical men. It 
is quite as perilous — as bachelors discover in counselling mothers — for 
the simple speculator to volunteer advise to practical women ; and, 
therefore, it must be doubly hazardous for one not even a tyro, to throw 
out hints to practical persons of both sexes, as in the present case. 
Indeed, I almost blush like a " scarlet likeness " of myself, while 
recollecting my very slender claims on their attention. If the usual 
qualification of a horticulturist — a plant bearing his patronymic — were 
to be called for, I could not produce a sprout or a sprig indebted to my 
sponsorship. To say nothing of such " lofty growths " as my Queen 
Margaret, my Princess of Orange, or my Duke of Nassau, the British 
Flora never heard of so much as my Chickvveed, my Groundsel, or my 
Dandelion. I never cultivated a common Daisy ; and for any budding 
or blossoming desert on my part, a black " ball of earth " would justly 
e.^clude me from even a Candy-Tuft Club. 

It is venturing, then, on a soil to which I am neither indigenous nor 
adapted ; nevertheless, at the risk of being called a " straggler," I will 
venture to bring forward a few plain rules, founded on personal obser- 
vation and study, and directed to points hitherto not touched upon. 



HINTS TO THE HOETICaLTURAL. 



05 



from the voluminous encyclopedias down to the dwarf works on Botanj'. 
They are addressed especially to those humble practitioners who garden 
without gardens, and play at the Floral Games without the costly 
appendages of greenhouses ; the Conservatives, so to speak, without 
conservatories. Many hundreds of such amateurs exist in London and 
the suburbs; particularly females, who, disdaining the resource of 
Covent Garden, as well as the supply of the itinerant posy-people, 
indulge in the innocent ambition ' of growing their own geraniums, 
stocks, and mignonette. Hitherto, however, they have proceeded on 
desultory principles ; and it is with a view of inducing them to adopt a 
more scientific method, and proceed by fixed rules, that I present to 
their notice a few hints derived from my ambulatory Note-Book. 

The technical terms, as well as the phrases marked as quotations, 
are borrowed from the only herbaceous volume in my library, — ■ 
" Paxton's Magazine of Botany." 



Rule the First. 
To produce a " Blow "from Plants at any Season of the Year. 

Select a lofty house, in the most airy situation you can find — the 
corner of a street to be preferred. Any month in the calendar will do ; 
but the best time is to- 
wards Lady Day or Mi- 
chaelmas ; that is to say, 
about the Equinox. 
The higher the windows 
are from the earth the 
better ; your plants can- 
not have too much air. 
Avoid, however, all iron 
bars, wooden rails, 
strings, or other contri- 
vances, which only tend 
to cramp and confine the 
pots, and impede the 
blowing. As to plants, 
the "hard woody sorts " 
are reckoned to " strike 
best and strongest ; " — 
they must be potted in 
large-sized pots, and par- 
ticularly well sticked. 
Keep them in the room, 
but not too near the fire, 
and water occasionally, till a favourable opportunity oflers for their 
exposure to the fresh air, which cannot be too fresh. In winter, a wind 
from the north or north-east and in summer from the south, or south- 

SEOOIfD BERiaS. „ 




B0TANI3ING— A BOG PLANT. 



66 HINTS TO THE HOliTICULTUBAL. 

west, is generally found to answer the purpose; but the quarter is 
indifferent, provided the current of air is brisk enough. 

Now put out your plants, so as to receive the full benefit of the 
breeze ; and in a short time you may expect a blow -which will some- 
times come to such a pitch, that your plants will excite the attention 
and astonishment of the passengers in the street. Some persons, of 
course, will be more struck than others by the beauty or size of your 
plants ; and in such cases it is usiial to make a distribution of offsets 
and specimens to the public. A liberal amateur, indeed, will not 
grudge to see a few ladies and gentlemen making oflf with pipings and 
cuttings. N.B. " The plants need not be taken in at night." 



KuLii THE Second. 
To destroy Vermin in the most effectual Manner. 

One of the great objects of the Florist ought to be to cleanse his 
plants thoroughly from blights, animalculae, &c., in such a manner as to 
avoid all chance of re-infection. For this purpose, the best situation is 
a first-floor in a well-frequented street; — a balcony will be of the 
utmost advantage, as not only affording a stage for the exhibition of the 
more beautiful plants, but also every possible convenience for the object 
in view. 

Now take an infected plant, and carefully pick off all slugs, May- 
bugs, snails, caterpillars, grubs, wood-lice, spiders, centipedes, cuckoo- 
spits, earwigs, or other vermin, preparatory to cast- 
ing them into the street. In this latter particular 
consists the difficulty, as well as advantage, of the 
mode proposed. There are two points to observe : 
firstly, to seize the proper moment when some pas- 
senger, or passengers, shall be passing below ; and, 
secondly, to cast your slugs, May-bugs, snails, cater- 
pillars, grubs, wood-lice, spiders, centipedes, cuckoo- 
spits, earwigs, and other nasty insects, with such a 
nicety, that they shall alight upon the hats, bonnets, 
tippets, shawls, capes, cloaks, pelisses, great coats, 
gowns, muffs, &c., &c., of the party, or parties, 
beneath. Above all, the opportunities afforded by 
milk-pails, porter-pots, beer-cans, bakers' baskets, butchers' trays, &c., 
must not be neglected — as ensuring the effectual destruction or absorp- 
tion of the obnoxious animalculae. A little daily practice will give the 
dexterity required. Some persons advise the operation to be performed 
in wet weather, as thereby the slugs, May-bugs, snails, caterpillars, grubs, 
wood-lice, spiders, centipedes, cuckoo-spits, and other nasty insects, will 
be more likely to adhere to the hats, bonnets, tippets, shawls, capes, 
cloaks, pelisses, great coats, gowns, muffs, &c. &c., of the persons on 
whom they are conferred. Either way, the beneficial tendency of the 




HI>!TS TO THE HOHTIOULTURATj. 



07 



plan will be obvious, on reflecting that the troublesome animalculse, &c,, 
are thus most probably carried ofif to distant private houses, lodging- 
houses, eounting-houses, receiving-houses, wholesale houses, public- 
houses, eating-houses, green-houses, or the Houses of Parliament, so as 
to provide against the insects returning to the place from whence they 
came. The mode will be found peculiarly grateful to those persons 
whose extreme sensibility revolts at the deprivation of life, even amongst 
the minute tribes in question 



EuLE THE Third 

To water Plants so that none of the Moisture may he wasted or lost. 

The same situations as above recommended will be proper in this 
case ; except that where there is no balcony, an area must be dispensed 
with. A plentiful supply of water is the grand desideratum : if not laid 
on in the house, it will be advisable to remove to the neighbourhood of 
a public pump. For plants— prefer Hydrangeas. " Persons who have 
plants in rooms, most generally injure them with too much water, in 
which respect the Hydrangea is very accommodating, it requiring a 
good supply." Choose a 

fine day. The best im- v.-|| _i. il I :vx\S)IKV^x^i 

plement is a watering- 
pot, with the rose off, 
but you may use any jug, 
mug or pitcher, with a 
good pour, provided it 
is large enough to hold 
at least two quarts of 
fluid. The most careful 
hand, however, with the 
best implement, is apt 
to spill in watering, by 
overshooting or under- 
shooting the mark ; or 
in cases of mental ab- 
straction, by aiming at 
quite a different object. 
Shortsighted persons 
have even been known 
to mistake artificial 
flowers for the real. In 
all such instances, par- 
ticularly in dry seasons, 
or neighbourhoods ill 

supplied, it becomes a public duty to provide that all such extra spirts, 
squirts, spouts, gushes, splashes, jets, souses, and even the very drip- 

V 3 




'POTTR MART ANNE!" 



08 HINTS TO THE HORTICULTURAL. 

pings and dribbles, shall be received in quarters that will be dulj* 
sensible of the benefit. " Nothing adds more to the charms of 
Horticulture, than that amenity, or kindly feeling which inculcates 
the importance of a liberal participation of one another's super- 
fluities." Such superfluities will particularly be apt to arise when 
plants are troubled with insects, to remove which a certain dashing 
style of watering is necessary, approaching to what is vulgarly termed 
" slushing," or " sloshing," or " slowsing," or " squashing," and from 
which a very considerable superabundance will always accrue. A liberal 
economy will dictate, therefore, to perform the act only at such moments, 
and in such directions, as will be sure to bestow the excess of fluid on 
proper objects. Thus, supposing the plant under treatment to be a 
large Hydrangea, it may be quite possible, while directing a sufi&cient 
stream on its head, to perform the same office, with the over-abundant 
fluid, on " Taylor's Glory " or " London Pride." The following 
varieties, all common to the metropolis, may also be expected to 
participate, viz. Kunners, Creepers, and " Stove-Climbers," of different 
kinds — Cockscombs, Narcissus, Adonis, Maiden's Hair, Painted Ladies, 
Columbines, Turk's Caps, " Natives of the North of Europe," Sun- 
Flowers, Old Man, Pinks, Honesty, Thrift, the Sensitives, the Fly- 
Catchers, Major Convolvulus, and Virginia Stock. 

N.B. Hot-Water, Tar-Water, Lime- Water, Infusions of Tobacco, and 
other medicated waters, may be used with equal, or even greater 
advantage to the health of the plants. The Syringe may be used occa- 
sionally for a change. 




69 




OPERATION FOR THE CATARACT. 



STANZAS, 

COMPOSED m A SHOWER-BATH. 



" Drip, drip, drip — there's nothing here but dripping." 

Remorse, hj Coicridje, 



Tkemblikg, as Father Adam stood 

To pull the stalk, before the Fall, 

So stand I here, before the Flood, 

On my own head the shock to call : 

How like our predecessor's luck ! 

'Tis but to pluck — but needs some pluck ! 

Still thoughts of gasping like a pup 
Will paralyze the nervous pow'r ; 
Now hoping it will yet hold up. 
Invoking now the tumbling show'r ; — - 
But, ah ! the shrinking body loathes. 
Without a paraplviie or clothes ! 

"Expect some rain about this time ! " 
My eyes are seal'd, my teeth are set — 
But where's the Stoic so sublime 
Can ring, unmov'd, for wringing wet ? 
Of going hogs some folks talk big — 
Just let them try the whole cold pig ! 



70 




'so JLT.'CII FOR ETJCEINGHAM.' 



ODE TO. J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.P. 
OIT THE REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE ON DRUNKENNESS, 



"Steady, boys, steady."— Sea Soua. 

" Then did they fall npon the chat of drinl-inci ; and forthwith tegan Plaggons to 
go, Goblets to fly, great Bowls to tiog. Glasses to ring, draw, reach, fill, mix, give it 
me without water ; so, my Friend, so ; whip me off this Glass neatly, bring me 
hither some Claret, a full weeping Glass till it run over ! ' — Rabelais. 

' ' Now, seeing that every Vessel was empty, great and small, with not so much at 
the Bottom as would half befuddle or muddle even a Fly, such as are the Flies of 
Baieux, I say, seeing this lamentable sight, Gargantua leapt up on one of the Tables, 
and with Tears in his Eyes as big as Cannon Bullets, did pathetically beseech Panta- 
gruel, as well as he could for the Hiccups and the Drinking Cups, and all sorts of 
Cups, as he valued his precious Body and Soul, one or both, never to drink more 
than became a reasonable Man, and not a Hog and a Beast. And the Stint of a 
reasonably reasonable Man is thus much, to wit, seven Thousand three Hundred and 
fifty-three Hogsheads, twice as many Kilderkins, thrice as many little Kegs, and as 
many Flaggons, Bottles, and Tankards as yoii will, beside. A Christian ought not 
to drink more. As Gargantua said these Words his Voice grew thick, his Tongue 
being as it were too huge for his mouth ; and on a sudden he turned dog-sick, and 
fell off the Table a prodigious Fall, whereby there was a horrible Barthqnake, from 
Paris even unto Turkey in Asia, as is remembered unto this day." — Rabelais. 



O, Mr. Buckingham, if I may take 

The liberty with you and your Committee, 

Some observations I intend to make, 

I hope will prove both pertinent and pretty, 



ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, KSQ., ll.r. 71 

On Drunkenness 3'ou've held a special court, 

But is consistency, I ask, your forte. 

When after (I must say) much Temperance swaggering 

You issue a Eeport, 

That's staggering ! 

Of course you labour'd without drop or sup, 
Yet certain parts of that Report to read. 

Some men might think indeed, 
A corkscrew, not a pen, had drawn it up. 
For instance, was it quite a sober plan 
On such a theme as drunkenness to trouble 

A poor old man. 
Who could not e'en see single, much less double ? 

Blind some six years, 

As it appears. 
He gives in evidence, and you receive it, 
A flaming picture of a flaming palace 
Where gin-admirers sipped the chalice 
And then, (the banter is not bad,) 

Thinks fit to add. 
You really should have seen it to believe it.* 

That he could see such sights I must deny, 
Unless he borrowed Betty Martin's eye. 
A man that is himself walks in a line, 
One, not himself, goes serpentine, 

And as he rambles 

In crablike scrambles, 
The while his body works in curves, 
His intellect as surely swerves, 
And some such argument as this he utters, 
" While men get cut we must have cutters, 
As long as Jack will have his rum. 
We must have pink, corvette, and bomb. 

Each sort of craft 

Since Noah's old raft. 

Frigate and brig, 

Ships of all rig, 

* What is your occupation ? — My occupation has been in the weaving line ; hit 
having the dropsy six years ago, J am deprived of my eyesight, 

273i. Did you not once see a gin-shop burnt down. About nine months ago there 
was the sign of the Adam and Eve at the comer of Church-street, at Bethnal-green, 
burnt down, and they had such a quantity of spirits in the house at the time that it 
was such a terrible fire, that they were obliged to throw everything into the middle 
of the road to keep it away from the liquor, and it was all in flames in the road ; and 
the gin-shop opposite was scorched and broke their windows ; and there was another 
gin-shop at the opposite comer, at three comers there were gin-shops, and was, from 
the fire, juat like a murdering concern, for you could not get round the corner at all, 
it was 80 thronged that a, man could not believe it tmless he saw it. 



73 ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ , M.P. 

We must have fleets, because our sailors swig. 
But only get our tars to broths and soups. 
And see how slops will do away with sloops ! 
Turn flip to flummery, and grog to gravy, 
And then what need has England of a navy ? " * 

Forgive my muse ; she is a saucy hussy, 
But she declares such reasoning sounds muzzy, 
And that, as sure as Dover stands at Dover, 
The man who entertains so strange a notion 

Of governing the ocean, 
Has been but half seas over. 

Again : when sober people talk 
On soberness, would not their words all walk 
Straight to the point, instead of zig-zag trials. 
Of both sides of the way, till having crost 
And crost, they find themselves completely lost 
Like gentlemen,— rather cut — in Seven Dials? 
Just like the sentence following in fact : 

" Every Act \ 
Of the Legislature," (so it runs) " should flow 
Over the bed " of what ? — begin your guesses. 

The Bed of Ware ? 

The State Bed of the May'r ? 

One at the Hummums ? Of MacAdam's ? No. 

A parsley bed ? 

Of cabbage, green or red ? 
Of onions ? daffodils ? of water-cresses ? 
A spare-bed with a friend — one full of fleas ? 
At Bedford, or Bedhampton? — None of these. 
The Thames's bed ? The bed of the New Kiver ? 
A kennel ? brick-kiln ? or a stack of hay ? 

Of church-yard clay. 
The bed that's made for ev'ry mortal liver ? 
No — give it up, — all guessing I defy in it. 
It is the bed of " Truth," — " inspired " forsooth 
As, if you gave your best best-bed to Truth 

She'd lie in it ! 
Come, Mr. Buckingham, be candid, come, 
Didn't that metaphor want " seeing home ? " 

* 3893. If temperance were universal, do j/o think we sliould need any line-of-battU 
ships ? — It would be very unsafe for us to be without them. 

t 1686. Do you mean to infer from that, that the law in all its branches should 
be in accordance with the Divine command ? — I do ; every Act of the Legislature 
should flow over the bed of inspired truth, and receive the impregnation of its 
righteous and holy principles. 



ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ , M.P. 



73 



What man, wlio did not see far more than real. 

Drink's beau ideal, — 
Could fancy the mechanic so well thrives, 

In these hard times, 

The source of half his crimes 
Is going into gin-shops changing fives ! * 
Whate'er had wash'd such theoretic throats, 
After a soundish sleep, till twelve next day. 
And, perhaps, a gulp of soda — did not they 

All change their notes ? 




"OAS I HAVE A BED HEHE!" 



Suppose, mind, Mr. B., I say, suppose 
You were the landlord of the Crown — the Rose — 
The Cock and Bottle, or the Prince of Wales, 
The Devil and the Bag of Nails, 

The Crown and Thistle, 

The Pig and Whistle, 
Magpie and Stump — take which you like. 
The question equally will strike ; 
Suppose your apron on — top-boots, — fur cap — 

Keeping an eye to bar and tap. 
When in comes, muttering like mad. 
The strangest customer you ever had ! 

* 2612. Are they in the habit of bringing 51. notes to get changed, a« well as 
jovereigns ? — Very rarely ; I should think a 51, note is mi article they seldom put in 
their poekets. 



74 ODE 10 J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.E. 

Well, after rolling eyes and mouthing. 

And calling for a go of nothing, 
He thus accosts you in a tone of malice : 
" Here's pillars, curtains, gas, plate-glass — What not ? 
Zounds ! Mr. Buckingham, the shop you've got 

Beats Buckingham Palace ! 
It's not to be allowed, Sir ; I'm a Saint, 
So I've brought a paint-brush, and a pot of paint, — 

You deal in Gin, Sir, 

Glasses of Sin, Sir ; 
No words — Gin wholesome ! — You're a story-teller - 
I don't mind Satan standing at your back. 
The Spirit moveth me to go about, 
And paint your premises inside and out. 

Black, Sir, coal black, 
Coal black, Sir, from the garret to the cellar. 
I'll teach you to sell gin — and, what is more. 
To keep your wicked customers therefrom, 
I'll paint a Great Death's Head upon your door — 
Write underneath it, if you please — Old Tom ! " * 

Should such a case occur. 
How would you act with the intruder. Sir ? 
Surely, not cap in hand, you'd stand and bow. 
But after hearing him proceed thus far, 
(Mind — locking up the bar) 

You'd seek the first policeman near, 

" Here, take away this fellow, here. 
The rascal is as drunk as David's Sow ! " 

If I may ask again — between 

Ourselves and the General Post, I mean — 

What was that gentleman's true situation 

Who said — but could he really stand 

To what he said ? — " In Scottish land 

The cause of Drunkenness was education ! " f 

Only, good Mr. Buckingham, conceive it ! 

In modern Athens, a fine classic roof, 

Christened the High School — that is, over proof ! 

Conceive the sandy laddies ranged in classes, 

With quaichs and bickers, drinking-horns and glasses, 

* S006. Do you think it would be of good effect, were the Legislature to order 
that those houses should be painted all black, with a large death's head and cross- 
bones over the door ? — I wish they would do even so much. 

+ 4602. What are the remote causes that have influenced the habit of drinkiug 
spirits among all classes of the population ? — One of the causes of drunkenness in 
Scotland is education. 



ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.P. 75 

Ready to take a lesson in Glenlivet ! 
Picture the little Campbells and M'Gregors, 
Dancing half fou', by way of learning figures ; 
And Murrays, — not as Lindley used to teach — 
Attempting verbs ■when past their parts of speech — 
Imagine Thompson, learning ABO, 

By D V. 
Fancy a dunce that will not drink his wash, — 
And Master Peter Alexander Weddel 

Invested with a medal 
For getting on so very far-iu-tosh. 
Fancy the Dominie — a droughty body, 
Giving a lecture upon making toddy. 
Till having emptied every stoup and cup, 
He cries, " Lads ! go and play— the school is up I " 

To Scotland, Ireland is akin 

In drinking, like as twin to twin, — • 

When other means are all adrift, 

A liquor-shop is Pat's last shift, 

Till reckoning Erin round from store to store, 

There is one whiskey shop in four.* 
Then who, but with a fancy rather frisky. 
And warm besides, and generous with whiskey. 
Not seeing most particularly clear, 
Would recommend to make the drunkards thinner. 
By shutting up the publican and sinner 
With pensions each of fifty pounds a year ? f 
Ods ! taps and topers ! private. stills and worms ! 
What doors you'd soon have open to your terms ! 

To men of common gumption, 

How strange, besides, must seem 

At this time any scheme 
To put a check upon potheen's consumption, 
When all are calling out for Irish Poor Laws ! 
Instead of framing more laws, 
To pauperism if you'd give a pegger. 
Don't check, but patronise their " Kill-the-Beggar ! " J 

S804. Did yon observe the drinking of spirits very general in Ireland ? — In 
Ireland, I think, upon a moderate calculation, one shop out of every four is a 
whiskey-shop, throughout the whole kingdom. Those who have been uusuccesBfiil in 
every other employment, and those who have no capital for any employment, fly to 
the selling of whiskey as the last shift. 

+ 773. Now, suppose we were to give 501. a-year to every spirit-seller in Belfast, 
to pension them off (and I am sure it would be much better for the country that they 
should be paid for doing nothing than for doing mischief) 

t 79i. We have in our neighbourhood a species of whiskey of this kind, called 
"Kill-the-Beggar." 



ODU TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., JI P. 

If Pat is apt to go in Irisli Linen, 
(Buttoning his coat, with nothing but his sldn in) 
Would any Christian man — that's quite himself, 
His wits not floor'd, or laid upon the shelf — 
While blaming Pat for raggedness, poor boy, 
Would he deprive him of his " Corduroy ! " * 



Would any gentleman, unless inclining 
To tipsy, take a board upon his shoulder. 
Near Temple Bar, thus warning the beholder, 

" BEWARE OF TWINING ? " 
Are tea-dealers, indeed, so deep-designing. 
As one of your select would set us thinking. 
That to each tea-chest we should say Tu Doccs, 

(Or doses,) 
Thou tea-chest drinking ? f 

What would be said of me 
Should I attempt to trace 
The vice of drinking to the high in place. 

And say its root vias on the top o' the tree ? I 
But / am not pot-valiant, and I shun 
To say how high potheen might liave a run. § 

What would you think, if, talking about stingo, 
I told you that a lady friend of mine. 

By only looking at her wine 
Flushed in her face as red as a flamingo ? i| 
Would you not ask of me, like many more, — 
"Pray, Sir, what had the lady had before? " 

Suppose at sea, in Biscay's bay of bays, — 
A rum cask bursting in a blaze, — 



» TQ 



795. Auotlier description of what would be termed adultenated spirits, is by 
the vulgar termed " Corduroy." 

+ 798. It is quite comnion, iu Dublin particularly, to have at one end of the 
counter a large pile of tea-chests for females to go behind, to be hid from sight : but 
the dangerous secrecy arises chiefly from the want of suspicion in persons going into 
grocers' shops. 

788. It is a well known fact, that mechanics' wives not unfrequently get portions 
of spirituous liquors at grocers' shops, and have them set down to their husbands' 
.accounts as soap, sugar, tea, &c. 

+ 816. Do you ascribe the great Inclination for whiskey at present existing among 
the lower classes, originally to the use of it by the higher classes as a favourite drink ? 
— I attribute a very large portion of the evil arising from the use of spirituous liquors 
to the sanction they have received from the higher classes ; the respectable in society 
I hold to be the chief patrons of drunkenness. 

, § 759. What do you mean by the phrase run ? — It means, according to a common 
saying, that /or one gallon made for the King, another is made for the Queen. 

II 4627. A lady informed me lately, that in dining out, although she should not 
taste a drop in the hob and nob at dinner, yet the lifting of the glass as frequently 
as etiquette requires, generally flushed her face a good deal before dinner was ended. 



ODE, TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M P. 



77 



Should I be thought half tipsy or whole drunk, 
If running all about the deck I roar'd 
" I say, is ever a Cork man aboard ? " 
Answered by some Hibernian Jack Junk. 

While hitching up his tarry trowser,— 
How would it sound in sober ears, how. Sir, 
If I should bellow with redoubled noise, 
" Then sit upon the bung-hole, broth of boys ?" * 




THE FLUSHING EXPEDITION. 

When men — the fact's well known — reel to and fro, 

A little what is called how-comeryou-so. 

They think themselves as steady as a steeple, 

And lay their staggerings on other people- 
Taking that fact in pawn, 

What proper inference would then be drawn 

By e'er a dray-horse with a head to his tail, 
Should anybody cry, 
To some one going by., 
" fie ! fie ! o fie ! 

You're drunk — you've nigh had half a pint of ale \ '' f 

* 3901, Are you aware of the cause of the burning of the Kent East Indiamaii 
in the Bay of Biscay ? — Holding a candle over the hung-hole of a cask of spirits, 
the snuff fell into the cask and set it on fire. They had not presence of mind to 
put in the bung, which would hare put out the fire ; and if a man had sat on the 
iung-hole it would not have burnt him, and it would have put it out. 

t 4282. Do many young men visit those houses ?— A very great many have done, 
more so than what visit the regular public-houses, I was in one of those places about 



7g ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.P. 

One certain sign of fumes Ts-ithin the skull 
They say is being rather slow and dull, 
Oblivious quite of what we are about— 
No one can doubt 




SINKIifa in SIGHT OF PORT. 

Some weighty queries rose, and yet you miss'd 'em, 
For instance, when a doctor so bethumps 
What he denominates the forcing system," 
Nobody asks him about Jorcing-pumps ! * 

Oh say, with hand on heart, 
Suppose that I should start 
Some theory like this, — • 
" When Genesis 
Was written, — before man became a glutton. 
And in his appetites ran riot, 
Content with simple vegetable diet. 
Eating his turnips without leg of mutton. 
His spinach without lamb — carrots sans beef, 

'Tis my belief 
He was a polypus, and I'm convino'd 
Made other men when he was hash'd or miuc'd," — 
Did I in such a style as this proceed, 
Would you not say I was Farre gone indeed?! 

twelve months ago, waiting for a ooaoli, aud there came into the beer-shop twenty- 
two boys who called for half a gallon of ale, which they di-ank, aad then they called 
for another. 

* 1211. The OTer-stimulation, which too frequently ends in the habit of drunken- 
ness in Great Britain in every class, is the result of the British forcing system simply. 

t 1282. Was not vegetable food prescribed in the first chapter of Genesis?— 



ODE TO J. S. BUCKIKGHAM, ESQ., M.P. 79 

Excuse me, if I doubt at each Assize 
How sober it would look in public eyes. 
For our Kiug's Counsel and our learned Judges 
When trying thefts, assaults, frauds, murders, arsons. 
To preach from texts of temperance like parsons. 
By way of giving tipplers gentle nudges. 
Imagine my Lord Bayley, Parke, or Park, * 
Donning the fatal sable cap, and hark, 
" These sentences must pass, howe'er I'm pang'd, 
You, Brandy, must return — and Bum the same — 
To the Goose and Gridiron, whence you came — 
Gin ! Eeverend Mr. Cotton and Jack Ketch 
Your spirit jointly will despatch — ■ 
Whiskey, be hang'd ! " 

Suppose that some fine morning, 

Mounted upon a pile of Dunlop cheeses, 

I gave the following as public warning. 

Would there not be sly winking, coughs and sneezes ? 

Or dismal hiss of universal scorn . 

" My brethren, don't be born, — 
But if you're bom, be well advised — 

Don't be baptised. 
If both take place, still at the worst 

Do not be nursed, — 
At every birth each gossip dawdle 

Expects her caudle ; 
At christenings, too, drink always hands about, 
Nurses will have their porter or their stout, — 
Don't wear clean linen, for it leads to sin, — 

All washerwomen make a stand for gin — 
If you're a minister — to keep due stinting, 
Never preach sermons that are worth the printing,! 
Avoid a steam-boat with a lady in her, | 
And when you court, watch Miss well after dinner, § 

Vegetable food was appointed ■wben the restorative power of man was complete. The 
1 estorative power in some of the lower animals is still complete. If a polypus be 
truncated or cut into several pieces, each part will become a perfect animal. — Vide 
Evidence of Dr. Farre. 

* 975. What happy opportunities, for example, are offered to each Judge and 
King's Counsellor at every assize, to denounce all customary use of distilled spirit as 
the great excitement to crime. The proper improvement of such opportunities would 
Jo much for temperance. 

+ 4642. When a clergyman gets a new manse he is iined in a bottle of wine ; 
when he has been newly married, this circumstance subjects him to the same amicable 
penalty ; the birth of a child also costs one bottle, and the publication of a sermon 
another. — By J. Dunlop, Maq. 

t 4637. The absolute necessity of treating females in the same manner, in steam- 
boat jaunts, is lamentable. 

§ 4637. Some youths have been known to defer their entrance into a temperate 



80 ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.P. 

Never run bills, or if you do don't pay, * 
And give your butter and your cheese away, — | 
Build yachts and pleasure-boats if you are rich. 
But never have them launched or payed with pitch, ; 
In fine, for Temperance if you stand high, 

Don't die! "§ 
Did I preach thus. Sir, should I not appear 
Just like the " parson much bemused with beer?" 

Thus far, Mr. Buckingham, I've gather'd, 
But here, alas ! by space my pen is tether'd, 
And I can merely thank you all in short, 
The witnesses that have been called in court, 
And the Committee for their kind Report, 
Whence I have picked and puzzled out this moral, 

With which you must not quarrel, 
'Tis based in charity — That men are brothers, 

And those who make a fuss, 

About their Temperance thus. 
Are not so much more temperate than others. 

sooiety till after their marriage, lest failure ia the usual compliments should be mis- 
construed, and create a coldness with their future wives. 

* 1635. It (drinking) is employed in making bargains, at the payment of 
accounts. 

+ 4639. A landlady, in settling with a farmer for his butter and cheese, brings 
out the bottle and the glass with her own hands, and presses it on his acceptance. 
How can he refuse a lady soliciting him to do what he is, perhaps, unfortunately 
already more than half inclined to ? 

t 4640. Tlie launching bowl is a bonus of drink, varying from 21. to 10/., 
according to the size of the ship, bestowed by the owners on the apprentices of a 
ship-building yard at the launch of a vessel. The graving bowl is given to the 
journeymen after a vessel is payed with tar. 

§ 4638. On the event of a decease, every one gets a glass who comes within the 
door until the funeral, and for six weeks after it. 




A B.VRR0WNET. 



81 




FOND OK BATHING, 



THE FATAL BATH. 



It is seldom that medical men are of accord in their theories : the 
differences of doctors have, indeed, passed into a proverb ; but if there 
be any one point on which their opinions entirely harmonise, it is on 
the propriety of bathing with an empty stomach. The famous Doctor 
Krankengraber, in his most famous book, called " Immersion deeply 
Considered," forbids, under all kinds of corporeal pains and penalties, 
the use of the cold bath, after the mid-day meal. " Take it," he says 
emphatically, " as you value your life, health, and consequent peace, 
comfort, and happiness, by all means before, before, before, dinner." It 
is a high authority to set up against ; and yet if the pen were my pro- 
fessional implement instead of the sword — could I write treatises, as 
eloquently as the learned Esculapian, — I would cry to the ends of the 
earth, bathe, as you love yourself, or love any one else, — as you love the 
precious meal itself — bathe after, after, after, dinner ! Let the candid 
reader decide between us. 

It is now nearly twenty years since I met the lovely and fascinating 

Christina F , now, alas ! Christina Von G , at our Casino Ball. 

I had only the happiness of dancing one waltz with her— but what a 
waltz it was ! It never left off ! She had completely turned my head 
— not one turn from right to left, or otherwise ; but she had set it 
spinning for ever ! Like the harmonious everlasting revolutions of the 
planets, was that dance with its music in my memory. All the rest of 
the night, or at least the few hours of morning slumber allowed me by 
my military duties, that ineffable whirl, with the same bright angel for 
my partner, went on in a dream. 

BEOOND SEMES. Q 



83 



THE FATAL BATH, 



Every one who bappened, like myself, to be abroad in Coblentz, on 
the first of May, 1835, must recollect the remarkable whirlwind 
of that date, and its memorable effects. I saw it come down the 
Moselle, twirling round a jackdaw or two, some hides of leather, linen, 
and other articles, caught up in its vortex ; and then, passing over the 
Rhine towards Thal-Ehrenbreitstein, where I was then quartered, it 
disappeared in the direction of Ems. But it left its mysterious influence 
behind. After gazing for a moment at the place where it had vanished, 

all of a sudden, strik- 
ing up a popular air in 
a whistle, a countryman 
caught hold of a woman 
who happened to stand 
near him, and compelled 
her, with gentle vio- 
lence, to revolve with 
him in the national 
dance. The hint took. 
A second pair began to 
turn — a third — the in- 
fection spread — each 
caught hold of a neigh- 
bour, male or female, — 
till in the space of a 
few minutes,- soldiers, 
ofSoers, civilians, car- 
men, marketwomen, 
ladies, maid-servants, 
barge-masters, peasants, 
old or young, were all 
spinning. There was not 
an individual to be seen 
on either bank, or on the bridge, but was engaged in the universal waltz ! 
Alas ! the lovely Christina was to me as that tornado ! She not only 
made me whirl myself, but everything else to whirl round me. My 
thoughts flowed in circles : I could never project them in a straight line 
to any given point. I was a human humming-top, always humming 
that one dear air by Zirkel that I had danced to. My brain became dizzy 
and giddy — the earth reeled beneath me, the sky spun round above me. 
In short, I was eddying in endless circles in that Maelstrom of Passion 
called Love. 

The discovery of my state was no sooner made than I strove to collect 
my senses, and soberly review the past, in order to estimate my chance 
of eventual bliss. I recalled the affable smile, the frank hand, the 
tender glance, of Christina ; and especially her ready " Ja ! ja ! " to 
everything I said. I remembered the gracious expressions of her 
mother, with whom I had also danced, even to the use of the affectionate 
" thou," as though I were her son elect. I thought of the benevolent 




HE-DIP-US — TTHANNUS. 



THE FATAL BATH.. 83 

smile of her father, as I touched glasses with him : — and above all, I 
knew that I possessed more than that minimum of revenue, without 
which ofBcers of the Prussian army are forbidden to becotne Benedicts. 
Everything was in my favour. Hope herself assumed the face and 
figure of Christina, and, consenting to dance with me, I began spinning 
again worse than ever We waltzed now by wholesale, — Christina, 
myself, her mother and father, all her relations, and all mine, in one 
great family circle ! 

In the mean time my military duties were not fulfilled in the best 
manner for hastening my promotion : I became the standing joke of the 
standing army, at least of such part of it as garrisoned Coblentz. When 
the band struck up on the Parade I began to revolve. I gave the word 
of command " Waltz ! " instead of " Wheel ! " On another occasion, 
when Captain Stumbke, at his rejoining the regiment, approached to 
embrace me, I seized him by the waist and actually turned him round 
in presence of the whole battalion ! Never was such a delirium ! But 
it was too sweet to last. One morning the telegraph on Ehrenbreitstein, 
with its arms all abroad, began to make signals ; which my fond fancy 
merely converted into an invitation to the other telegraph on the 
top of the Palace, to come and waltz with it : there was, however, a 
darker purport in its motions. Our battalion was ordered to Posen ! 

I had danced into delight, and was now doomed to march out of it. 
On consideration, I determined to break my mind to Christina before I 
went ; but no opportunity offered, and with my heart broken instead 
of my mind, I turned my back to Coblentz and the treasure it contained. 
My waltzing was over. One good turn deserves another, but, in doubt 
whether that good turn would ever come, I went on, without a single 
spin, to our journey's end. 

I found the Polish city the same that I had left it ; but every trace 
of gaiety was gone. I still went, it is true, to balls where waltzes, 
gallopes, and mazurkas were danced ; but I went in boots up to my 
knees. I had made a vow never to waltz again ; and was keeping it 
better than vows are generally observed, when an event occurred that set 
me spinning again as fast as ever ! — It was Christina herself, who 
entered the ball-room in the train of the Princess L* * * * * i j could 
have eaten my long boots without sauce ! At any rate I wished them 
successively on the legs of every ugly villain that danced with hor. To 
go the whole length of a confession, I almost wished her a mild sprained 
ankle herself! It went against me to look on; and as fast as the giddy 
pair whirled one way, as swiftly in mere contrariness I seemed to spin 
with a reverse motion. Formerly I was a happy humming-top; — I 
was now a whipping-top, lashed by the unsparing hand of jealousy till I 
reeled again ! Possibly I should have ended, like certain rotary fire- 
works, with an explosion, — at all events I should have flown off to my 
quarters, when a few gracious words from the Princess converted the 
centrifugal into a centripetal impulse. It was an invitation to a dinner 
and ball on the succeeding Sunday, at which my former partner would 
be present. Christina herself condescended to express pleasure in the 

02 



84 



THE FATAL BATH, 



prospect of meeting rce there; aud when I ventured to solicit her 
promise, engaged herself to dance with me, as I fancied, with a slight 
blush. Gracious heavens ! how I spun ! — or else I had become con- 
scious of the earth's revolution ! I whirled home without feeling my 
long boots, or the legs that were in them, — I was a spirit, — something 
ethereal — a zephyr waltzing with a zephyr, in a gentle whirlwind, that 
carried us up, spirally, even into the seventh heaven ! Again Christina 
aud Hope were one and the same person. I went to bed, and dreamt 
that liaving offered in a waltz, and been accepted in a waltz, we waltzed 
off to the altar together. 

Never were six such long days invented as ushered in the blessed 
Sunday. However, they were so tedious that they wore themselves out 
at last ; and exactly as the clock struck three, — lovers are never late — 
I found myself at the Chateau, or rather in its Park, in which, having 
come too early, I preferred to amuse myself till the company arrived. 
I should have been in time if my horse had walked ; but he had 
galloped : — I seemed destined to prove in my own person that in much 
haste there is little speed. 

The weather was warm, and I was still warmer; my face, as I looked 

at it, in a secluded lake, 
to which I had saunt- 
ered, was as hot and 
flushed as if I had just 
waltzed with a bear. I 
looked at my watch, and 
then at the water, blue 
as the sky itself, and 
studded with snow-white 
lilies ; — the very reeds 
bowed invitingly, and 
seemed to whisper, 
"Pray, walk in! " It 
was irresistible. In a 
trice, I was stripped, 
and luxuriating in the 
cool element. After 
lingering a little at the 
brim to enjoy an air 
bath, I struck out to- 
wards the middle, now 
diving like a wild duck, 
and then springing like 
a trout, or sailing away 
after a prize lilj'. 'Twas delicious ! — Lovely nameless Naiad !— thanks 
for that refreshing embrace ! Thanks for the present of those white 
porcelain lily cups ! Thanks for the vocal melody of thy reeds ! A 
thousand thanks for that liquid, azure, heaven !— but, oh!— a thousand 
thousand, billions, trillions, quadrillions, quintillions, decillions of thanks 




A BAKE POSSIBILlTr. 



THE FATAL BATH. 85 

backwards — yea, hot, fervent, earnest, and bitter maledictions for all 
the rest ! 

" The Leech was sent, but not in mercy there 1 " 

The first step I made out of the water disclosed my fate ! Sharp as 
is the bite of the blut-egel on land, when we are, perhaps, nervously 
expecting it, I had never noticed it in swimming ; partly from a certain 
chilly numbness, partly from the constant muscular exertion, and partly 
from the frequent pricking of the broken reeds. A glance sufficed. 
There they were, a set of cuppers on each calf ! As yet I could scarcely 
have lost a thimbleful of the vital fluid ; but I felt as faint, as sick, and 
as ready to fall full length on the ground, as if I had lost quarts of it ! 

The first dinner-bell sounded. It was no time to be nice, and I tore 
off one or two of the blood-suckers by force ; but the flow of gore that 
followed proved to me that I had better have left them alone. Then I 
tried to shake them off by dancing, and had they been each a tarantula, 
they could not have bitten me into more frantic capering. But they 
held on like sailors in a storm. I looked at my legs and raved ! I 
thought of Christina and groaned ! In the folly of desperation I 
gnashed my teeth at the leeches, and shook my fist at them, and then, 
trying my very useless powers of persuasion, I apostrophised them, 
" suck, suck, suck, ye vipers ! — suck ! suck ! suck ! suck ! " But the 
vipers were in no such hurry as mine ; — they pumped on quite com- 
posedly, and seemed only intent on filling out every wrinkle of their 
skins, in order that I might admire the detestably beautiful pattern 
down their abominable backs ! I all but blasphemed ! I cursed the 
weather, the water, the lilies, the leeches, — and then my own self for 
going in, — and still more for coming out. I never thought of the 
cramp, or I should have cursed it too for not seizing me in the middle 
of the lake ! 

The second bell sounded — like a deathbell : — and there was I, as 
effectually pinioned and fastened to the spot by a few paltry vermin, as 
Gulliver by the Lilliputians. Methought I beheld my empty chair on 
one side of Christina, and, on the other, a hatefully well-made fellow, 
with an odious handsome face, and a disgustingly sweet voice and 
manner, endeavouring to make amends for my absence. I stormed, 
raved, tore my hair, and even wept for vexation. In the paroxysm of 
my despair, I prayed for wooden legs ! 

Hitherto the sounds from the Chateau had nothing personal in their 
character ; but, now, they pointedly addressed themselves to me. First 
I heard the clang of a gong; then the flourish of a hunting-horn ; next 
the recal upon the bugle ; and, finally, a general shout, in which my 
distempered fancy seemed to detect the clear sweet voice of Christina 
above all the rest ! I wonder, with water so handy, I did not commit 
suicide. But a sort df resignation, very different from the marble Kesig- 
nation which typified Count Pfefferheim leaning over his departed lady, 
had taken possession of me. It was grim and gloomy — I had resolved 
to try patience, a catholicon plaster, efficacious in eveiy possible case. 



86 



THE FATAL BATH, 




with the sole drawback that nobody can get it to stick ou. For my own 
part, I soon gave up the remedy. I happened to remember the trouble 

I endured, when I really 
wanted leeches, to make 
them bite, and I could 
emulate Job no longer. 
I wished — in such ec- 
stacies we do not look 
before we leap in wish- 
ing, — that I had been 
affected with Hydropho- 
bia, ere that fatal bath 
— that I had been 
turned into a serpent at 
Schlangenbad, or boiled 
to rags in the Kochbrun- 
nen at Wiesbaden ! 

At last the clangour 
ceased ; but in lieu of 
it, I heard the servants 
running about beating 
the wood for me, and 
calling me by name. If 
I had been wise I should 
have answered ; — but I 
was now worked up to 
the frenzy fit of nervousness ; I felt my situation, except in my own 
eyes, sufficiently ludicrous ; — and I dreaded lest some mischievous wag, 
or, perhaps, rival, should delight to exhibit me in a ridiculous light to 
Christina. In truth, I should have been, if discovered, a laughable 
figure enough. To save time eventually, I had dressed myself so far as 
I could — conceive, then, a gentleman, in full uniform above, even to his 
cocked hat, but below perfectly bare-legged, with three leeches hanging 
to one limb, and four to the other ! I should think no criminal ever 
felt more anxious of concealment than I did as I took refuge amongst 
the tallest reeds ! 

To pass the time, I had no better amusement than to watch the 
leeches, how they swelled and filled, and, finally, rolled off, gorged with 
my precious blood, a pailful of which I would rather have shed for my 
country at any convenient time and place ! And Christina — what could 
she think of my absence? Why, she could only look upon me, as I 
looked on my leeches, with aversion and disgust, — whilst her infernal 
neighbour, the Colonel, in the splendid uniform of the Eoyal Guard, 
for such I painted him, became every moment more agreeable. Of the 
next five minutes I have no mental record ; my impression is, that I 
was stark, staring, raving, rampant, mad ! 

At length the last of my tormentors fell off! — and when he touched 
the ground, as I had served all his fellows, I weaned him with a stone 



A FINISHED DRAWING. 



THE FATAL BATH. 



87 




i WISH I CODLD SELL OUT ! " 



from ever suokiug again. It was a poor revenge, for, after death, tlicy 
bequeathed to me a new misery. The blood would not cease flowing, even 
though I plucked all the nap off one side of my hat to apply to the wounds. 
I forgot how it would look afterwards stripped of its felt. I was 
famishedbesides — but my cruel- 
lest hunger was ia my heart. , — , 
Oh ! Christina !- It seemed an 
age, ere at last I dared to creep 
gingerly into my white kersey- 
meres ! My watch marked it 
to have been but three hours ! 

I returned to the Chateau at 
the pace of a hearse ; fearing to 
put one foot before the other, 
and looking sharply every 
other step at my legs. As for 
the anticipated celestial waltz 
— I seemed doomed to make 
one of that dreary corps of 
long-visaged gentlemen who 
prefer to look on. I arrived, 
however, stainless, spotless, — 
only I was obliged to keep one 

side of my hat to myself. An attempt was made to rally me on my 
absence ; but my excuse of having lost myself in the forest passed off 
very currently, and a tray was ordered for my refreshment. But I was 
rmable to eat a morsel ; I could only fill a glass of wine to pledge 
Christina, who had not shown any sign of resentment ; on the contrary, 
she appeared to commiserate my wanderings in the wild woods. In the 
mean time the ball began. As I entered the room, in a blaze of light, 
1 fancied that every eye was directed towards my legs : my head swam, 
and for a minute I seemed waltzing with the whole assembly at once ! 
Christina looked twice reproachfully towards me, ere with the air of a 
matrimonial martyr saluting his destined bride, I went up and claimed 
her hand. The music struck up ; we began to waltz, at least she did, 
turning me round with her, as though she had been practising the dance 
for the first time with a lay-figure. Stiffly and coldly as I moved, me- 
thought T felt the circulation in every vein and artery becoming more and 
more rapid from even such gentle exercise. At last the whirl ceased, and 
we sat down again side by side. How I wished for the despised long 
boots up to the knees, in which I might have chatted at my ease ! It 
was impossible. I never opened my lips except to say yes and no, in 
the wrong place ; sometimes where I should have answered I was mute. 
One Uttle stain of the slightest possible tinge of crimson, which no eye 
but my own would have detected, absorbed my whole soul. I was suffering 
the unspeakable tortures of the murderer, conscious that his secret 
blood-guiltiness was on the eve of coming to light ! 

The gentle Christina, after the first waltz, in consideration perhaps 



88 



THE FATAL BATH. 



of my supposed loug ramble in the forest, had expressed her intention 
of not dancing any more during the evening ; a little stir now made me 
look, and — the fiends seize him ! — a tall handsome Colonel, in the 
splendid dress uniform of the Eoyal Guard, exactly such a figure as my 
jealous fancy had formerly depicted, was leading her out to dance ! 
The music played a waltz. They turned, they spun, they flew round, 
in each other's arms — giving me a turn also till my very soul became 
sick and dizzy ! My eyes grew dim, — I could no longer see — but I 
heard her frequent " ja ! ja ! ja ! " and her light laugh ! 

I wish Doctor Krankengraber could have seen the plight I was in at 
that moment, merely through bathing, according to his detestable rule. 
Oh that he could have felt my burning temples, my throbbing pulse, my 

palpitating heart ! Had 
that floor before me been 
a pond, I verily believe I 
should have practically 
illustrated his " Immer- 
sion deeply Considered " 
with my pockets full of 
stones. I once or twice 
endeavoured to catch the 
eye of Christina, but in 
vain. I addressed her, 
and she looked as coldly 
on me as one of our 
kachel-ofens * on a born 
Englishman ! 

I would fain have 
sought an explanation; 
but this haughty treatment sealed my lips. I no longer attributed her 
estrangement to any other cause than the imputed fickleness of the sex. 
Muttering something to the Princess about indisposition I left her ball, 
without blessing it, and flew home. Three days later I was again at 
her Chateau, determined to decide my fate. Christina had quitted 
Posen ! In two short months afterwards the Berlin Gazette informed 
me that she was married to a Colonel of the Eoyal Guard. 

I never beheld her again : but a she-cousin of mine, who was her 
bosom friend and confidant, in after years thought proper, amongst 
other matters of feminine curiosity, to inquire on what grounds her 
unfortunate kinsman had been repelled. The answer she did me the 
favour to extract, and kindly sent it to me, by way of a correction, and a 
guide, probably, should I ever dream of addressing a lady again. The 
reader is welcome to partake of the document : it runs thus : — 

" You ask me, dearest Bettine, why I did not like your cousin 
Albrecht ? Under the seal of our sisterly confidence, I will frankly 
confess to you, that it was through no fault of mine. I will even own 




CROSSED IN LOVE, 



* A German stove, cased with white tiles. 



THE FATAL BATH. 



89 



to something like a preference, up to that memorable evening at the 
Princess L.'s. I had there determined to watch him narrowly, to 
observe every light and shade of his character — and you know the 
result. Did you ever hear of the young Count Schonborn ; and the 
egregious personal vanity which brought him to his fate ? Suspected of 
correspondence with the revolted Poles, he disappeared, and according 
to the custom with deserters, a vilely daubed effigy, with his name at 
full length under it, was suspended on the public gallows. He was 
still skulking in disguise at Berlin, and might doubtless have effected 
his escape — but shocked at the libellous picture that professed to repre- 
sent him, he was actually arrested one morning, at the first dawn ol 
light, brush and palette in hand, painting up the odious portrait to 
something more resembling the personal attractions of the original I 
And now for our Albrecht. Conceive him sitting languishingly — a Nar- 
cissus without his pond — seeing nothing, admiring nothing, but his own 
certainly well-turned legs ! Fancy him stretching them, crossing them, 
ogling them in all possible attitudes, — taking back and front views of 
them, and along the outer or inner side. Imagine him coquetting with 
them, carelessly dropping a handkerchief over them, as if to veil their 
beauties ; sliding his enamoured hand down them by turns, — and then, 
with great reluctance brought to dance on them, if dancing it might be 
called, so languidly, as if he feared to wear out the dear delicate limbs 
by the exertion. Suppose him afterwards relapsing into his former 
self-contemplation, so exclusively, as to neglect the common politeness 
of an answer even to a question from a lady — and a lady to whom he 
professed to show particular attention. And now, dearest and best 
Bettine, you have my secret. It is very well to marry a man with 
handsome legs, but one would not choose to have them always running 
in his head." 




KEr.E 'J A fn.OP 



90 




THE UNITED FAMILY. 



" We stick at nine." 

Mks. Batilk. 

' ' Thrice to thine, 
And thrice to mine, 
And thrice again. 
To make up nine." 

The Weird SisTEits in MACBEiii, 



How oft ill families intrudes 
The demon of domestic feuds, 
One liking this, one hating that, 
Each snapping each, like dog and cat. 
With divers hents and tastes perverse. 
One's bliss, in fact, another's curse, 
Hov7 seldom anything we see 
Like our united family ! 

Miss Brown of chapels goes in search, 
Her sister Susan likes the church ; 
One plays at cards, the other don't ; 
One will be gay, the other won't ; 



THE UNITED FAMILY. 9] 

la pray'r and preaching one persiste, 
The other sneers at Methodists ; 
On Sundays ev'n they can't agree 
Like our united family. 

There's Mr. Bell, a Whig at heart, 
His lady takes the Tories' part, 
While William, junior, nothing loth, 
Spouts Eadical against them both. 
One likes the News, one takes the Age, 
Another buys the unstamp'd page ; 
They all say 7, and never ive, 
Like our united family. 

Not so with us ; — with equal zeal 
We. all support Sir Robert Peel ; 
Of Wellington our mouths are full. 
We dote on Sundays on John Bull, 
With Pa and Ma on selfsame side, 
Our house has never to divide — 
No opposition members be 
In our united family. 

Miss Pope her " Light Guitar " enjoys, 
Her father " cannot bear the noise," 
Her mother's charm'd with all her songs, 
Her brother jangles with the tongs . 
Thus discord out of music springs, 
The most unnatural of things, 
Unlike the genuine harmony 
In our united family ! 

We all on vocal music dote, 

To each belongs a tuneful throat, 

And all prefer that Irish boon 

Of melody— "The Young May Moon "— 

By choice we all select the harp, 

Nor is the voice of one too sharp, 

Another flat — all in one key 

Is our united family. 

Miss Powell likes to draw and paint, 
But then it would provoke a saint, 
Her brother takes her sheep for pigs, 
And says her trees are perriwigs. 
Pa praises all, black, blue, or brown ', 
And so does Ma — but upside down ! 



92 THE UNITED FAMILY. 

They cannot with the same eyes see,, 
Like our united family. 

Miss Patterson has heen to France, 
Her heart's delight is in a dance; 
The thing her brother cannot bear, 
So she must practise with a chair. 
Then at a waltz her mother winks ; 
But Pa says roundly what he thinks, 
All dos-a-dos, not vis-a-vis, 
Like our united family. 

We none of us that whirling love. 
Which both our parents disapprove, 
A hornpipe we delight in more. 
Or graceful Minuet de la Oour — 
A special favourite with Mamma, 
Who used to dance it with Papa, 
In this we still keep step, you see, 
In our united family. 

Then books — to hear the Cobhs' debates I 
One worships Scott — another hates, 
Monk Lewis Ann fights stoutly for. 
And Jane likes " Bunyan's Holy War.'' 
The father on MaccuUoch pores. 
The mother says all books are bores ; 
But blue serene as heav'n are we, 
In our united family. 

We never wrangle to exalt 

Scott, Banim, Bulwer, Hope, or Gait, 

We care not whether Smith or Hook, 

So that a novel be the book. 

And in one point we all are fast, 

Of novels we prefer the last, — 

In that the very Heads agree 

Of our united family ! 

To turn to graver matters still, 
How much we see of sad self-will ! 
Miss Scrope, with brilliant views in life. 
Would be a poor lieutenant's wife, 
A lawyer has her Pa's good word. 
Her Ma has looked her out a Lord, 
What would they not all give to be 
Like our united family ! 



THE UNITED FAMILY. 



on 



By one congenial taste allied, 
Our dreams of bliss all coincide, 
We're all for solitudes and cots, 
And love, if we may choose our lots. 
As partner in the rural plan 
Each paints the same dear sort of man ; 
One heart alone there seems to be 
In our united family. 




LOVE AKD A COTTAGE, 



One heart, one hope, one wish, one mind, — 
One voice, one choice, all of a kind, — 
And can there be a greater bliss— 
A little heav'n on earth — than this ? 
The truth to whisper in your ear, 
It must be told ! — we are not near 
The happiness that ought to be 
In our united family ! 

Alas ! 'tis our congenial taste 
That lays our little pleasures waste— 
We all delight, no doubt, to sing. 
We all delight to touch the string, 
But -Where's the heart that nine may touch ? 
And nine " May Moons " are eight too much- 
Just fancy nine, all in oue key, 
Of our united family ! 

The play — Oh how we love a play ! 
But half the bliss is shorn away ; 



94 



THE UNITED FAMILY, 



On winter nights we venture nigh, 
But think of houses in July ! 
Nine crowded in a private box, 
Is apt to pick the stiffest locks — 
Our curls would all fall out, though wo 
Are one united family ! 




THE OLOBIOOS DAYS OF TCLY, 

In art the self-same line we walk, 
We all are fond of heads in chalk, 
We one and all our talent strain 
Adelphi prizes to obtain ; 
Nine turban'd Turks are duly sent. 
But can th royal Duke present 
Nine silver palettes — no, not he — ■ 
To our united family. 

Our eating shows the very thing, 
We all prefer the liver- wing, 
Asparagus when scarce and thin. 
And peas directly they come in. 
The marrow-bone — if there be ono — 
The ears of hare when crisply done, 
The rabbit's brain — we all agree 
In our united family. 

In dress the same result is seen. 
We all so doat on apple-green ; 



THE UNITED FAMILY. 95 

But nine in green would seem a scliool 

Of charity to quizzing fool — 

We cannot all indulge our will 

With " that sweet silk on Ludgate Hill," 

No remnant can sufficient be 

For our united family. 

In reading hard is still our fate, 
One cannot read o'erlooked by eight, 
And nine " Disowned " — nine " Pioneers," 
Nine " Chaperons," nine " Buccaneers," 
Nine "Maxwells," nine "Tremaines," and such, 
Would dip into our means too much — 
Three months are spent o'er volumes three, 
In our united family. 

Unhappy Muses ! if the Nine 
Above in doom with us combine, — 
In vain we breathe the tender flame, 
Our sentiments are all the same. 
And nine complaints address'd to Hope 
Exceed the editorial scope. 
One in, and eight put out, must be 
Of our united family ! 

Eut this is nought — of deadlier kind, 
A ninefold woe remains behind. 
O why were we so art and part ? 
So like in taste, so one in heart ? 
Nine cottages may be to let, 
But here's the thought to make us fret, 
We cannot each add Frederick B. 
To our united family. 




A CRICKET BALL. 



96 




POSTE RESTANTK. 



A LETTER FROM AN ABSENTEE. 



About two years since, a great sensation was created in the neighbour- 
hood of Hatfield, Herts, by the sudden departure of a gentleman who 
had long resided in the vicinity, at a shooting-box called the Grange. 
So abrupt was his retreat, that his intimates and neighbours only 
became aware of it by calling upon him, and finding no one at home but 
the bailiff; who informed them that Mr. Charles de la Motte had gone 
off he did not know where, nor for how long, and that the Grange was 
to be let for the season. So mysterious a flight of course gave birth to a 
great deal of local speculation at the time ; but, like other popular 
topics, it got much the worse for wear ; and in the course of a few weeks 
the name of the fugitive was scarcely remembered. His long absence 
and utter silence, however, alarmed his friends ; and the next of kin to 
the property was becoming particularly anxious as to the fate of his relative 
when the general solicitude was opportunely relieved by the receipt of 
the following letter from the missing gentleman. 



To WiLLMAN Platfaib, Ssj., Hawkesier 

Ms Dear Willman, 
Time, who brings down all things, has I hope ere this killed your 
resentment, or at least winged it, so that it does not take quite so high 
a flight as it did, doubtless, when you discovered that I had gone off, 
like the cockney's gun, without a word of warning to my best friend. 
The first explosion must have been awful ! Your temper was always very 



A LETTER FHOTI AN ABSENTEE. 07 

like Hall's " quick- finng " gunpowder; and you took care to keep it diy 
and ready for use. Thousands of miles off I have fancied the effects of 
the burst; my poor character quite blackened, lying about in a hundred 
fragments, without the least feature of- an old friend or a good fellow to 
be made out from them. This was the only dismemberment (to flatter 
you) which gave me any pain or concern. Of course there were plenty 
of charitable persons ready to invent criminal reasons for my going off; 
but I trusted that even their judgments would come to rights when they 
found that no tradesman had lost his money nor any gentleman his wife. 
I had never been a banker nor a tax-gatherer, nor in receipt of the 
parochial funds. It was only in the articles of friendship and confidence 
that I was a defaulter ; and here I must crave your pardon ; urging, 
however, certain circumstances in extenuation. My secret may now be 
divulged, when the event has stamped the character of the enterprise. 
You know how men become traitors or rebels, according to the success of 
their attempts ; and the design, the execution of which now affords me 
such pride and pleasure, would, untried, have been denounced as a 
scheme founded on extreme weakness. To be sure it was a 
weakness that besets very great men, — ambition : but how the walls 
of your snuggery would have rung again with laughter, had I con- 
fessed beforehand the nature of my aspirings ; that my topmost aim, 

which was directed all across the Atlantic, was to shoot an elk! To 

think of me, a young bachelor not absolutely frightful, and well to do in 
the world — who might settle down whenever he chose in domestic 
felicity, or look forward to make a figure in Parliament, to think of my 
leaving behind all the delectables of courting, marrying, spouting, 
and franldng, encountering all the dangers and disagreeables of the 
sea, at the risk besides of being set down for a murderer, seducer, 
swindler, heaven knows what, — for the purpose of killing a coarser kind 
of venison ! Your reason would have recoiled and kicked at the idea ! 
At present we stand upon other terms. I have shot my elk ; and, 
should you think lightly of such a feat, I can retort, proudly with my 
muzzle in the air, " Go and do it yourself if you can ! " Had I failed, 
'twas another thing. You remember how we roasted poor Hawkins, 
who, led by an ambition with which I can sympathise, when Cross was 
obliged to order military execution on Chuny, paid his two guineas for a 
shot at the elephant, and missed ? 

Should you still sneer at my expedition, and determine to run me 
down, I can take shelter like a 'hunted deer, amongst a herd of 
authorities. I may be the greatest of the sort, but not the first ; Lord 
John Russell, Professor Wilson, Waterton, Audubon, Washington 
Irving, Colonel Hawker, and many others, are not a bad fellowship to 
fall into ; and each has, like myself, endeavoured to shoot his elk ! By 
this phrase I do not literally mean the killing of an animal of the deer 
kind, some eight or ten feet high, but the bringing down of some object 
bigger than ever we brought down before. This was my mainspring in 
my expedition. Before you undervalue its strength, pray just read an 
excellent article, in a by-gone number of Blackwood called, " Christopher 

SECOND SEBIES. U 



98 



A LETTER FROM AN ABSENTEE. 



in his Shooting Jacket," and then compare it with your own experience. 
How eloquently the author describes the Shooter's Progress,, from 
popping a tomtit off a twig, to killing a Hooper on a lake ! The gradual 
climb from sparrow-hail up to swan-shot ! By the way, the shot-manu- 
facturers, no shots 
probably themselves, 
number their pellets 
most unphilosophi- 
cally, hackwards. Dust 
ought to be number 
one ! 

The celebrated 
line, " Fine by de 
grees and beautifully 
less," so often quoted, 
has no relish for a 
true lover of the trig- 
ger, nor, indeed, for 
a sportsman of any 
class whatever. I 
shall never forget the 
wry face with which 
Tom Pope received a 
proposition to look in 
at Carpenter's Solar 
Microscope ! He did 
not care to learn that 
there are swimming 
things in water too small to rise at a midge or to take a mite. When 
he was a boy he was fond of sniggling for eels ; as a man he longs, 
and has actually sailed — to tackle the American Sea-Serpent ! 

The Keverend Richard Rodwell, an old crony of Tom's — a member of 
the same club, and a celebrated troller, never thought any pike big 
enough that he pulled out, till he met with one that pulled him in, and 
by the last accounts I had of him, he was off to the Liffy after salmon : 
'twas in the regular course of things. I remember when I had caught 
sticklebacks with a bent minikin, how soon I got to a crooked corking- 
pin, to hook the minnows with ; nor can I forget the great jump by 
which, skipping gudgeon, bleak, and other small fry, I fished all at once 
for Jack ! The earlier tiny gradations were discarded. If you look at 
a foot-rule, the first inch is generally divided and subdivided into 
fourths and eighths, but the other eleven mark nothing smaller than 
halves. So it is in sporting : we step at the commencement, but stride 
afterwards. To give a notable case in point: Anderson, after leistering 
keppers on the Tweed, overlooking sharks, dolphins, and other middlings, 
was when I left England, whaling-mad; and by this time, probably, 
the bran-new harpoon I saw hanging over his mantel-shelf has been 
buried in blubber. 




ASIHAL SP1EIT3. 



A LETTER FROM AN ABSENTEE. 99 

To turn to shooting— look at the gun itself ! If the best-informed 
persons speak correctly on the subject, the barrel at each discharge 
expands : that is to say, the fowling-piece endeavours as far as in it lies 
to become a cannon. The man who carries the gun is manufactured 
of something like the same metal. He craves, at every shot almost, 
for bigger game ; some huge thing, that he may " shatter all its bulk 
and end its being." At the very time that he is taking aim at a hawk, 
he -wishes it was an eagle. Apropos de bottes. Audubon, in words 
that breathe and burn, has given a thrilling description of his ecstacy on 
knocking down a Golden Eagle with his rifle ; but is he content, at this 
present moment, with that new feather in his cap? Quite the reverse. 
It is well known that on the completion of his truly splendid Ornitho- 
logical Work, he intends an oriental voyage in the track of Sindbad, 
half believing, and three quarters hoping, that the existence of that 
stupendous bird, the Eoc, is not a fable. 

If you ever knew anything of Lloyd, you ought to know that it was 
his casually being the happy instrument in shooting a rabid Newfoundland, 
that first gave him the hint of going to Norway to put bullets into bears. 
To take a jump to politics, in application of the same principle, is it not 
probable that the troubling the rabbits about Woburn, in his boyhood, 
gave a certain noble lord in after life the relish for driving bigger animals 
out of bigger boroughs ? Nothing more like : especially if you call to 
mind the magnificent wish of Jack Langton, when the working " the 
cats " in his Essex warrens began to get stale with him. But perhaps 
you have forgotten it. 'Twas neither more nor less, than that he could 
" ferret the Thames Tunnel with a Crocodile, and bolt Hippopotami ! " 

May my own Elk-hobby now venture to hold up its diminished 
head ? Or must I intrench myself behind fresh examples ? I will, at 
all events, place between us that of Washington Irving. When I read 
his quietly exulting record of 
killing his buffalo, I would have 
wagered a hundred to one that 
he would never rest content with 
that single exploit, in spite of his 

professions to the contrary. And '^^'^^^^^ft^^^^^^^^^ 
I should have won. Here he is, ^^ " 
in snow-shoes, with his rifle on 
full cock, and as Elk-jealous of 
me as man can be. Supposing 
him to have done the trick, vrill he rest even there ? The question 
equally touches your humble servant ; and, between ourselves, till I be 
fairly shipped for England, I shall not feel myself secure from further 
wanderings. Suppose, that in a fresh access of the sporting appetite, 
which " grows by that it feeds on," the American Geoffrey and myself 
should plunge into the depths of his native forests, hoping in some 
hitherto untrodden recess to find living specimens of those surpassing 
monsters whereof we have as yet seen only the organic remains ? The 
great Crayon may now feel above drawing a badger, but could he resist 

H 2 




TOM PAINE. 



TOO 



A LETIEB FROM AN ABSENTED. 



the temptation of sketching a Mammoth ? As for myself, a mere wind 
from the Back Woods that whispered of a Megatherium, would be sure 
to turn my nose in that direction, like a weathercock's. 

The last time I was at Brighton, some kind friend, whose name I do 
not exactly recollect, took me over to Lewes with him, to see the 
museum of Mr. Gideon Mantell, so rich in fossil relics, including the 
gigantic Iguanodon, discovered in Tilgate Forest. Shall I confess to 
you, that instead of the lively pleasure which the sight seemed to afford 
to others, it made me only mute and melancholy. I felt nothing but envy 
of those early Nimrods who had such Elks of their own to go forth 
against, conquering and to conquer. What a pity that they did not 
preserve their game — that they should eat up all their cake at once, as 
we have since done with the bustard, instead of leaving some of the 
breed for a future day ! There was but one person present who 
seemed to sympathise with my feeling — who I understood was Mr. 
Waterton. A process parallel to mine was clearly going on in his 
head ; he looked from one gigantic skeleton to another, clothing it, in 
his mind's eye, with flesh, and muscle, and skin, or scales : but when he 
came to the Titanic Iguanodon, an animal of the lizard kind, four times 
as large as the largest crocodile, it was evidently a teazer to him. 
"Zounds!" he exclaimed, "the alligator I broke in, and rode upon, 

was a dwarf to this ! 
There is another stage 
for me still ! I have 
been performing among 
the minors ! " 

Are you yet satisfied ? 
or must I appeal to your- 
self '? Did you not then 
wish your first sparrow 
a partridge, your par- 
tridge a pheasant ? Nay, 
did you not once upon 
a time e.\change your 
single barrel for a double 
— your duck-gun for a 
swivel ? Many mickles 
make a muckle ; and a 
score or two of ducks 
and flappers at one shot, 
was for the time your 
Elk. It was thus that, 
hopeless of a mammoth, 
the veteran. Colonel 
Hawker, wished for an 
equivalent, in the shape of a thousand or two of the American wood- 
pigeons, which were flying over his head in columns twenty miles long 
by five in width. He had been aiming at them for a minute or so 




A^i^^[AU— AFTER LANDSIOER. 



A LETTER FROM AN ABSENTEE. 



101 



with the fore-finger of his left hand, the thumb serving for a trigger, 
ivhen the irresistible wish oame across him—" Oh that I had Hall's 
powder-mills here, with the patent shot-manufactory on the top of them, 
to let fly at ye ! " 

It was -whilst killing a buck in Cashiobury Park, that I first longed 
to shoot an Elk. I warrant the game-keeper, as we looked at the dead 
deer, set me down for an idiot, when I pronounced it a very little one : 
but my mind was possessed by the other image. The ideal animal 
thenceforward haunted me night and day ; sometimes standing at bay, 
sometimes springing at me, and, like Esop's brutes, it had the gift of 
human speech, perpetually crying out, " Come, and kill me ! " It 
became a monomania. I felt that I could only put an end to the fiction 
by making it a reality — and the deed is done. Oh ! that you could 
have seen him spring ten feet upwards, and then fall headlong on the 
trampled snow ! But I will not forestal my narrative. Pen and paper 
are too tame for it — you shall have it hot from my lips ! So pray 
compose your risible muscles against my return : or should you feel 
them tickling, remember there have been more Quixotic expeditions 
than mine, and worse objects of ambition, than shooting Elks. You had 
better break the truth to my friends at Hatfield before I come home : 
but, mind, with no ridiculous inventions tacked to it, to make me the 
laughing-stock of the place. Tell George he shall have a hoof. I 
shall not be long after my letter in coming to hand — Till when I am, 
my dear William, 

Yours ever truly, 

C. De la Motte. 

P. S. Ten-Garters, the Indian, has brought an account that some 
monstrous beast, — nobody knows what, — has been seen about twenty 
leagues to the northward. I am just going to set off with him, and a 
number of other hunters, in pursuit of it. Who knows ? It ma^', 
perhaps, be a Megatherium ! 




FlICEKIX DOJIEBTICU'i. 



103 




CIVIL WAR. 



AN INTERCEPTED DISPATCH. 



There is no subject more deplored in polite circles than the notorious 
rudeness of what is called Civil war. Suavity, it must be confessed, has 
little to do with its sharp practice ; but of course the adjective was 
prefixed ironically ; or intended only to refer to that spurious kind of 
civility which is professed in domestic feuds, when " my dear " is 
equivalent to " my devil." 

It is a question, however, worthy of an enlightened age, whether Civil 
War might not be literally civilised, and carried on with a characteristic 
courtesy Lumps, thanks to the sugar-bakers, have been refined — and 
why not blows ? 

Intestinal strife, as at present waged, is a frightful anomaly. It runs 
counter to every association — moral or anatomical. A well-regulated 
mind must be unable to connect the idea of polite hostilities with an 
unmannerly soldiery. It is difficult, for instance, to conceive an Urban 
Guard devoid of urbanity. 

A civil war, to deserve the name and satisfy the Fancy, must have 
for Commander in Chief, on either side, a finished Gentleman — if of 
the Old School, the better — as devoted to the suaviter in modo as to 
thefortiter in re. With a punctilious sense of the bland nature of the 
strife he is engaged in, he will make politeness the order of the day. 
The password will be " Sir Charles Grandison ; " and should he feel 



AN INTERCEPTED DISPATCH 103 

compeiled to publicly deliver his sentiments, he will make a genteel 
address do duty for an offensive manifesto. Every officer under him 
will rank for complaisance and amenity with a Master of the Ceremonies. 
His dragoons, with their hest behaviours, will be mounted on well-bred 
horses: his cuurassiers as polished as their corslets, and as iinely 
tempered as their swords. His infantry, all regulars, will adhere to the 
standards of propriety, as well as to the regimental colours : the artillery 
will adopt the tone of good society,— and the band will play the 
agreeable. 

To prove that such a prospect is not altogether Utopian, I am happily 
enabled to make public the following letter, which develops at least the 
germ of a new system, that may hereafter make Civil War no more a 
misnomer than Pohte Literature. It is dated from Castille Senior, and 
addressed to a public Functionary at Madrid. 

(Copy.) 

" Your Excellency, 

" I had the honour of describing in my last dispatch, a little 
personal rencontre with the gallant general on the other side ; and I 
have now the pleasure of laying before you the agreeable result of 
another affair, of the same nature. 

" Early on the 19th instant, our picquets, with a becoming deference 
to their superiors, retired from the presence of a large body of cavalry, 
and intimated that I might shortly expect the favour of a visit. I 
immediately sent the light dragoons and lancers to the front, with 
instructions to give the gentlemen on horseback a hearty welcome, and 
provide as they best could for their entertainment, till I should be 
prepared for their reception, as well as of any friends they might bring 
with them. I flattered myself, indeed, that I should enjoy the company 
of their whole army, and they were so good as not to disappoint me. A 
lively cannonade quickly announced their approach by a salute, which 
was cordially returned from the whole of our batteries ; and then a cloud 
of skirmishers pushed forward to their front, and commenced a liberal 
exchange of compliments with our tirailleurs. Our cavalry in the mean 
time had sought an introduction to their horse, which was met in the 
handsomest manner, and many intimacies were formed, that only ended 
with life. The cavalry at length retired, but evidently with regret, and 
many reiterated promises of soon coming again. 

"Their main body now appeared moving in the best disposition 
towards us ; whilst the rifles on the flanks paid the most marked atten- 
tion to our officers, who received many substantial tokens of their regard. 
A closer acquaintance was now sought with an empressment quite 
flattering; indeed it was difficult to reply in adequate terms to the 
warmth and importunity of their offers. Perceiving that we had some 
very heavy guns on our right, they obligingly undertook to carry them ; 
professing at the same time a very sincere inclination to serve our light 
artOlery. They also wished to take charge of a hill on the left that 
might annoy us ; but had the courtesy to resign it to Colonel Bower, on 



104 



AN IKTEECEPTED DISPATCH. 






a representation that the eminence was indispensable to liis views. 
Their cavalry also endeavoured gallantly to make a favourable impression 
on us ; and in particular evinced a lively desire to visit some of our 
squares; but which, on the plea of inconvenience, we found means to 
decline. There had manifestly been a design of dropping in upon us 
unprepared, but fortunately I was enabled to foil the pleasantry, and 
even to turn the tables upon themselves. The enemy finally gave up 
every point, and handsomely offered to accommodate us with the field of 
battle ; but feeling bound in politeness to return the visit, I ordered an 
advance of the whole line ; and we were at once hospitably permitted to 

enter their lines without 
ceremony, and make 
ourselves at home in 
their camp. Injustice 
to their generosity I 
must not omit to state 
that we found it abun- 
dantly provisioned — the 
artillery entirely placed 
at our command — the 
whole baggage devoted 
to our use, and even the 
military chest left very 
much at our service. 

"The list of casual- 
ties is not yet made up 
— but I am in posses- 
sion of some of the de- 
tails. The 19th was 
politely invited to a 
masked battery, and a 
succession of balls, kept 
up with a spirit that the 
regiment, and Major 
Smith in particular, will 
long remember. Colonel Bower is deeply indebted to a lancer, who 
helped him off his horse ; and Captain Curtis is lying under a similar 
obligation in the hospital. Captain Flint owes the cure of his asthma 
to the skill of a carbineer ; and Lieutenant Power was favoured with as 
specific a remedy for determination of blood to the head. Colonel Boult 
was handsomely presented with the freedom of the field, enclosed in a 
shell; and Major Brooke is absent, having received a pressing invita- 
tion that he could not well resist — to visit the enemy's quarters. 
" I have the honour to be, &c., &c., &c. 
(Signed) Manners. 

(Countersigned) Chestebpiei.d." 




6»^^>-Tt^^ijp^. 



THE SEAT OF WAR. 



105 




"von nAMMER." 



POETEY, PEOSE, AND WOESE. 



" Esaad Kiaprili solicited in Terse permisslou to resign the government of Candia. 
The Grand Ylzier, Hafiz Pasha, addressed a Ghazd to the Sultan to urge the necessity 
of greater activity in military preparations ; and Murad, himself a poet, answered 
likewise in rhyme. Ghazi Gherai clothed in Olmzeh his o£Scial complaint to the 
Sultan's preceptor. The Grand Vizier, Mustafa Pasha Bahir, made his reports to the 
Sultan in verse." — Fi(fe Von Hammer ott Oihoman Literature, in (he Athenmum for 
^'ov. 14, 1835. 



TuEKEY ! how mild are thy manners, 
Whose greatest and highest of men 

Are all proud to be rhymers and scanners, 
And wield the poetical pen ! 

Thy Sultan rejects — he refuses — 
Gires orders to bowstring his man ; 

But he still will coquet with the Muses, 
And make it a song if he can. 

The victim cut shorter for treason, 
Though conscious himself of no crime, 

Must submit and believe there is reason 
Whose sentence is turned into rhyme : 

He bows to the metrical firman, 
As dulcet as song of the South, 

And his head, like self-satisfied German, 
Rolls off with its pipe in its mouth. 



100 POETRY, PEOSE, AND WOKSE. 

A tax would the Lord of the Crescent ? 

He levies it still in a lay, 
And is p'rhaps the sole Bard at this present 

Whose Poems are certain to pay. 

State edicts unpleasant to swallow 

He soothes with the charms of the Muse, 

And begs rays of his brother Apollo 
To gild bitter pills for the Jews. 

When Jealousy sets him in motion, 
The fair one on whom he looks black 

He sews up with a sonnet to Ocean, 
And sends her to drown in her sack. 

His gifts, they are posies latent 
With sequins roU'd up in a purse. 

And in making Bashaws, by the patent 
Their tails are all " done into verse." 

He sprinkles with lilies and roses 
The path of each politic plan, 

And with eyes of Gazelles discomposes 
The beards of the solemn Divan. 

The Czar he defies in a sonnet, 
And then a fit nag to endorse 

With his Pegasus, jingling upon it, 
Keviews all his Mussulman horse. 

He sends a short verse, ere he slumbers. 
Express unto Meer Ali Beg, 

Who returns in poetical numbers 

The thousands that die of the plague. 

He writes to the Bey of a city 
In tropes of heroical sound. 

And is told in a pastoral ditty 

The place is burnt down to the ground 

He sends a stern summons, but flow'ry. 
To Melek Pasha, for some wrong. 

Who describes the dark eyes of his Houri, 
And throws off his yoke with a song 

His Vizier presents him a trophy, 
Still, Mars to Calliope weds — 

With an amorous hymn to St. Sophy 
A hundred of pickled Greek heads. 



POETRy, PEOSE, AND WORSE, 107 

Each skull with a turban upon it 

By Eoyal example is led : 
Even Mesrour the Mute has a Sonnet 

To Silence composed in his head. 

E'en Hassan while plying his hammer 

To punish short weight to the poor, 
With a stanza attempts to enamour 

The ear that he nails to a door. 

! would that we copied from Turkey 

In this little Isle of our own, 
Where the times are so muddy and murky, 

We want a poetical tone ! 

Suppose that the Throne in addresses— 

For verse there is plenty of scope — 
In alluding to native distresses, 

Just quoted the " Pleasures of Hope." 

Methinks 'twould enliven and chirp us. 

So dreary and dull is the time, 
Just to keep a State Poet on purpose 

To put the King's speeches in rhyme. 

When bringing new measures before ua, 

As bills for the sabbath or poor. 
Let both Houses just chaunt them in chorus. 

And p'rhaps they would get an encore. 

No stanzas invite to pay taxes 

In notes like the notes of the south. 
But we're dunn'd by a fellow what axes 

With prose and a pen in his mouth. 

Suppose — as no payers are eager — 

Hard times and a struggle to live — 
That he sung at our doors like a beggar 

For what one thought proper to give ? 

Our Law is of all things the dryest 

That earth in its compass can show ! 
Of poetical efforts its highest 

The rhyming its Doe with its Koe. 

No documents tender and silky 
Are writ such as poets would pen. 



108 POETBY, PHOSE, AND WOBSE. 

When a beadle is sent after Willde,* 
Or bailiffs to very shy men. 

The warrants that put in distresses 

When rates have been owing too long, 
Should appear in poetical dresses, 

Ere goods be sold off for a song. 

Suppose that — Law making its choices 
Of Bishop, Hawes, Eodwell, or Cooke,— 

They were all set as glees for four voices, 
To sing all offenders to book ? 

Our criminal code's as untender, 

All prose in its legal despatch. 
And no constables seize an offender 

While pleasantly singing a catch. 

They haul him along like a heifer, 

And tell him " My covey, you'll swing ! " 

Not a hint that the wanton young zephyr 
Will fan his shoe-soles with her wing. 

The trial has nothing that's rosy 

To soften the prisoner's pap, 
And Judge Park appears dreadfully prosy 

Whilst dooming to death in his cap. 

Would culprits go into hysterics. 

Their spirits more likely elope. 
If the jury consulted in lyrics, 

The judge made a line of the rope ? 

When men must be hung for a warning, 

How sweet if the Law would incline 
In the place of the " Eight in the Morning, ' 

To let them indulge in the Nine ! 

How pleasant if ask'd upon juries 

By Muses, thus mild as the doves, 
In the place of the Fates and the Furies 

That call us from home and our loves ! 

Our warfare is deadly and horrid, 

Its bald bulletins are in prose, 
And with gore made revoltingly florid, 

Nov tinted with couleur de rose. 

* Vide the adTertieement of " The Pnvisli Beadle after Wilkie." issued by Moou 
& Co .J 



POETRY, PROSE, AND WORSE. 

How pleasant in army despatches 
In reading of red battle-plains, 

To alight on some pastoral snatches. 
To sweeten the blood and the brains ! 

How sweet to be drawn for the Locals 
By songs setting valour a-gog ! 

Or be press'd to turn tar by sea- vocals 
Inviting — with " Nothing like Grog ! '' 

To tenants but shortish at present, 
When Michaelmas comes with its day, 

O ! a landlord's effusion were pleasant 
That talked of the flowers in May ! 

How sweet if the bill that rehearses 
The debt we've incurr'd in the year. 

But enrich'd, as a copy of verses. 
The Gem, or a new Souvenir ! 

! would that we copied from Turkey 
In this little Isle of our own ! 

For the times are so moody and murky. 
We want a poetical tone ! 



109 




A cmCUL-VTINU Lir.BABY. 



110 




Jessie's oleaninos in nattjiial nisxoiiY. 



HITCHIN HALL 



The following Correspondence speaks for itself: and I am enabled to 
say that it speaks the truth. The letters are genuine, the names only 
being considerately disguised. The description of Hitchin Hall -will 
probably remind the reader of an Insect Hospital at Surat, described 
by Lieutenant Barnes ; it -was evidently a House, whose members 
^Tould have voted unanimously for the admission of a few Destructives. 



No. I. — To Messrs. Tdppin and Co., House Agents, Regent 

Street, London. 

Mb. Tuppin, 

Mr. Groves being blind with a sting on his eyelids, as big as a 

pidgeon's egg, I am necessitated to write, though unaccustomed to 

business, to say we can't go on suffering in silence any longer. It is 

more than flesh and blood can bear ; and I really wonder, Mr. Tuppin, 

you could allow a genteel family like ours, to domesticate themselves 

in Hitchin Hall. There has been a shmneful want of candour in the 

transaction. Fixtures is one thing ; but 'live things is another, and I 

don't romance, when I say we are eaten up alive ! If the house was a 

pidgeon-house, we could not swarm more with fleas, and you-know- 

whats besides ; — and they are things I never could abide in all my 

days. A hint from you would have been only civil; but as I said 

before, there was nothing like candour in the case. My daughter. 



HITCHIN HALL. 



Ill 



Belinda, says, she is sure there are scorpions, and if you could see her 
inflamed calf of a leg, I am sure you would say there was something out 
of the common run. Matilda thinks it must be Tarantellers, and as 
dancing is the only cure, I have had the drawing-room carpet taken up 
in case ; which, as it was only Just fitted and put down, I consider a 
gi'eat inconvenience, especially as a little candour would have saved all 
the trouble. Mr. Tuppin, it's one maid's work to sweep down the 
spiders, and the cook says she is quite sick of smashing the black 
beadles. I expect every day that the footman will give warning, for he 
is of a serious turn, and complains he can't sing his hymns in the 
kitchen for the crickets. The maids won't sleep in the garrets because 
of the death-watches in the walls ; and, EIr. Tuppin, there's the moth 
in every cupboard in the bouse ! It's rather hard to have a good muff 
and tippet ruined, and 
Mr. G.'s great coat be- 
sides, for want of a little 
candour ! Our linen is 
going in the same way. 
I wish you could see 
one of Mr. G.'s best fine 
shirts : they're as full of 
holes as a cullender, as 
I thought at first from 
the clothes pegs ; but 
the laundress said it was 
the cockroaches, and 
sure enough, I found a 
dead one in the drawer. 
Common candour would 
have informed we were 
coming in after a West 
India Captain ; but I 
suppose such matters 
are secrets in trade. 
Mr. G. is as much put 
out of the way as I am, 
for he is very parti- 
cular about his cellar, and the wood-lice, or somethings, have eat all 
the seals off the corks, so that he knows no more than the man in the 
moon what he is putting before his friends. But that's not the worst. 
Mr. G. is not so squeamish as some people, about animalculus ; but I 
appeal to yourself, Mr. Tuppin, if it's agreeable in dressing, as 
happened this very morning, to find a hundred legs in your boots ? 

For my own part, it is lucky I am above interfering in the kitchen, 
for I can't bear a lizard, and cook says the efts come up the sink-hole, 
and she's positive our gnats and muskitoes are bred in the cistern. As 
for flies, they stick to every thing as thick as currants on a bread- 
pudding, and the blue-bottles have blowed more meat than would keep 




]T'3 a JlEnE FLEA-BITE, 



113 HITCHIN IIALTi. 

a poor family. It's paying rather dear, Mr. Tuppin, for not meeting 
with a little candour! — and I am sorry to say we are indebted to your 
closeness for as many disappointments and disagreeables out of doors. 
The gardener grumbles from morning to night about his hard place, 
and says the blights are beyond every thing, to say nothing of sorts he 
never saw before. That was candid too ! — I cannot go near my green- 
house, for it is all alive ; and Barron has left off lighting the stoves in 
the hothouses, for the warmth hatches out such swarms of grubs, and 
flies, and insects, as he says would astonish your hat off your head. 
As the same sort of thing happened the first time we heated the oven, 
I don't doubt his correctness; but really, Mr. Tuppin, it's a great damp, 
and denial, and drawback, both to Mr. G. and myself, when we are so 
very fond of gardening, but of course decline enjoying only the un- 
pleasant part of picking and scrunching. Indeed I have never set 
foot in the grounds since sitting down on the ants' nest, and our friend, 
Mr. Laird, says it's a species he never saw before, except in Africa. 
It is very pleasant, Mr. Tuppin, to be plagued with the only things of 
the sort in England ; but of course you was not aware of the foreign 
ants, or common candour would have dictated a mention. With a 
proper warning before our eyes, we certainly should have never 
embraced such dreadful disagreeables as we suffer with, but we never 
had a candid statement of what we were to expect. As such, Mr. 
Tuppin, I hope you will feel due to your own character, to get the 
house off our hands as speedily as possible, and without any further 
expense to the deceived parties. In the meantime, Mr. Tuppin, 
regretting your want of candour, I remain, for Mr. G. and myself, 

Your very obedient Servant, 

Mary Grove. 
Hitchin Hall, Herts. 



No. II. — To Mrs. Grove, Hitchin Hall, Herts. 

Madam, 
In absence of Principals, am desired to inform, it is not customary to 
furnish such minute particulars as alluded to ; cannot, therefore, 
consider candour as compromised by not including fleas, &c., in list of 
fixtures. Beg to say, we must decline letting again, except on usual 
terms, as enclosed, and am. Madam, for Tuppin and Co., 

Your mo. obedt. St., 

John Short, 



No. III. — To Samuel Pipe, Esq., Flamingo Fire Assurance 

Company, Cornhill, London. 
Sir, 
It is my unpleasant duty to advise you, that on the night of the 10th 
inst. the messuage and tenement called Hitchin Hall, (No. 17801), was 
burnt down to the ground without salvage. It was formerly in the 



SKETCHES ON THE UOAD. 



113 



occupation of the Hitchin Entomological Society ; and the secretary, 
who was very curious in keeping and breeding all sorts of insects, 
resided on the premises. I have ascertained, beyond doubt, that the 
fire was caased by a pan of burning charcoal and brimstone, intended to 
destroy the larva, &c., being shut up in a bed-room by the new 
tenants. 

I am, Sir, 

Your very humble Servant, 

Petee Hawkhurst. 




IIEN-TOMOLOCT. 



SKETCHES ON THE ROAD. 



THE "WONDERFUL DOG. 

I DO not remember how I came to be talking of dogs to the gentleman 
who sat beside me on the roof of the Southampton Eocket ; but I had 
just been relating an instance of sagacity in a terrier of my own, when 
the coachman looked half round, and addressed me over his shoulder. 

" Pray, sir, did you happen to see the Wonderful Dog Ponto at 
Blackwater Fair ? " 

" No. I never even heard of him." 

" The more'a the pity, sir," replied the coachman, pulling a little on 
his horses, " the more's the pity, for then you've missed a sight such as 
you won't see twice in your life, if you lived as long as Methusalem. 
It was worth all the money twice over, only to see him dance ! None 
of your frenchified hanimals as just jigs about a bit while the chap with 
the stick has got his eye on 'em, and then drops down agin on all-fours, 

SECOND SEBtES. I 



] 14 SKETCHES OK THE BOAD. 

but just as I might dance myself like, with all the pleasure in life, and 
my sweetheart a-figuring afore me ! " 

" Now you mention it," I answered, " I cannot recal ever seeing a 
dog dance with any thing like enjoyment." 

" I'll lay my life you haven't, sir," said the coachman. " I've taught 
my own bitch to dance a bit, but it's only when I gets her locked up in 
the room, for she'll bolt if she can, and then I don't set eyes on her, 
mayhap for a week. The moment she sees the fiddle she turns away 
her head, as if it was an old tin kettle, and tucks her tail between her 
legs in case, — but that's nature." 

"And what else might the Wonderful Dog perform ? " 

" Perform, sir ! I'm blest if he didn't perform a wonderful sight, 
better than the players at Richardson's, let alone that he couldn't talk. 
He fenced like a good 'un, and beat time to a song as regular as could 
be, besides always barking by way of joining in the chorus. I can't 
hardly tell you what he didn't perform, but in course he'll be at 
Bartlemy Fair, and then you can see him yourself, sir." 

The subject dropped ; my neighbour began to speak of his travels on 
the Continent, and Ponto the Wonderful Dog, and the race in general, 
had been long out of our remembrance, when all at once a sharp cry 
from the coachman, followed by a shock and a crash, aroused us from 
our foreign speculations. We had encountered and upset some kind of 
covered cart, but the road having been cut through a steep hill, the 
high bank had prevented the vehicle from falling completely on its side. 
Our coachman pulled up, and standing on the footboard, took a look at 
the damage, then suddenly thrusting the reins into the hands of his 
companion on the box, he precipitately got down, exclaiming, as he ran 
off to the rescue, "I'm pounded if it an't the Wonderful Dog's caravan ! " 

The greater part of the coach passengers, myself included, imme- 
diately followed his example, and made all haste to the spot, where we 
had hardly arrived, when to verify the coachman's assertion, the door at 
the back of the vehicle opened, and a large white woolly dog bounded 
out, who after running a few paces on all-fours, got upon his hind legs 
and walked to a milestone, whereon he seated himself after the human 
fashion. A fat woman, and an equally fat man, then scrambled out of 
the little house upon wheels, but my interest was all absorbed by the 
dog, and leaving the rest of the company to replace his residence in 
statu quo, I gave myself up to the study of the canine Phenomenon. I 
could hardly enough admire the force of habit or instinct, whichever it 
was, that, even in such a sudden emergency, could not make him lose 
his acquired manner. But my surprise had not yet arrived at its pitch ; 
my astonishment may be conceived, when I saw him put his paw to his 
head, as if to ascertain that it was sound, then feel down his back and loins 
and finally, along his hind legs ; a genuine biped of my own species 
could not have gone through the examination more naturally! He 
next folded his fore legs, as if they had been arms in reality ; and 
settled himself to watch the righting of his conveyance, and the process 
lasting longer than suited his humour, he repeatedly tried to uv^e on the 



THE WONDEEFUL DOG, 



1J5 



work, by impatiently waving his fore leg from left to right, according to 
the direction in which his carriage required to be lifted. At last the 
little house stood again on all its wheels, and the coachman began to 
move towards the milestone, with the intention, no doubt, of renewing 
his acquaintance with the sagacious Ponto ; but the latter, as if anxious 
to be at home again, 
suddenly started up, 
adroitly dodged past 
our Whip, and running 
man-fashion to the lad- 
der, which he ascended 
dog- fashion, threw him- 
self into the caravan 
with a somerset, that 
excited a universal 
shout of laughter. The 
fat woman next fol- 
lowed, then the fat 
man, and the door 
closed. We had re- 
sumed our seats on the 
coach, and the Rocket 
was about to go off, 
when the fat man ap- 
peared again at the 
door of the caravan, 
and addressed us gene- 
rally, through his show- 
trumpet. 

" Begging your pardons, gemmen, I hope you won't not mention any 
thing as you've seed. It would only be a-taking the bread out of our 
mouths, without a-putting on it into your own. The dog, gemmen, is a 
poor dwarft ; and we only does it out o' charity like, to get him a bit o' 
wittles. So you see, gemmen " 

I could not hear what followed ; for our coachman started his team 
so suddenly, that we had enough to do to preserve our seats, and for 
two miles further he kept his horses in a rattling gallop, that put all 
conversation out of the question. A steep hill at last obliging him to 
alter tlie pace, we fell into talk on the late occurrence ; for my own part, 
I could not help laughing at the whimsicality of the device, but our 
Jehu, who evidently felt sore on the subject, looked at the matter in a 
very different light. "It was," he said, " a regular bit of humbug, a 
downright swindle, and nothing else, and it would only have sarv'd the 
little varmint right to have guv him a proper good shaking by the scruff 
o' the neck." 

"The trick is not without precedent," said the traveller, turning 
towards me, "though the story may not be generally known in England. 
It was played off at the expense of the good citizens of Amsterdam, by 




>)^V 



THE COLLISION OF THE HOUSES. 



116 



SKETCHES ON THE ROAD. 



Simon Paap, the celebrated, or as Irish O'Brien used to call him, the 
Great Dwarf. He had reaped a good harvest by exhibiting his 
diminutive proportions to the Dutch; but Simon, for a man of his 
inches, went extraordinary lengths in dissipation ; in fact he was a 
little rake, and the money went as fast as it came. The show beginning 
to get stale, he did not find his person pay so well as it is supposed to 
do in default of the purse, and it became necessary to hit upon some 
expedient for raising the wind. Accordingly having taken formal leave, 
in the character of their greatful, obliged, and humbly obedient dwarf, 
he got himself sewed up in a skin by some of his confederates, and, in 
a few days, Simon Paap again made his appearance before an admiring 
Public, as a Wonderful Dog! As he had well studied his part, and 
performed it to perfection, he was honoured with the patronage of the 
most distinguished personages in Amsterdam, and large sums were 
offered for him to his supposed master, but of course declined. 
Amongst his other accomplishments, the Wonderful Dog could take a 
hand, or rather paw, at cards, and as Simon was a sharp player, he 
began to be looked upon as a lucky dog, as well as a clever one, when 
an untoward event brought his golden dog-days to an end. He was 
playing in a coffee-house against a French officer, and had won to such 
an amount that the latter could not help venting his vexation by a fen- 
sharp cuts of his cane, an infliction which instead of calling forth a 
whine or a howl, produced a very distinct exclamation in Paap's mother- 
tongue. Aware of the slip, he immediately bolted out of the house, as 
if" he had got the hydrophobia, and the same night secretly quitted 
Amsterdam, leaving, like a real mad dog, a good many bitten people 
behind him." 




. JUDGE OF UORSEFLESn. 



THE FRESH HORSE. H7 



SKETCHES ON THE ROAD. 

THE FRESH HOESE. 

Stonehengb has always beeu a mystery to Antiquarians, and a 
puzzle to mechanics and engineers to conceive how such huge masses of 
stone were transported, and erected, in their celebrated locality. For 
my own part, I am no antiquarian, but I fully shared in the surprise 
of the practical men, on one day discovering a Quaker, seated in a four- 
wheel chaise, without any horse, in the middle of Salisbury Plain. It 
was a matter of course to stare at him as at a fly in amber, and "wonder 
how the devil he got there." A member of the Society of Friends 
could hardly look for friends in such a place ; a Quaker might sit long 
enough in such a region, however silent, ■without any hope of a Quaker's 
meeting : it seemed, however, to be a matter of familiar occurrence to 
the gentleman in drab, who sat as placid and unconcerned in his 
vehicle, as if he had been at the desk of a snug counting-house in 
Mincing Lane. Instead of a Price Current, he held in his hand a 
slender pamphlet, which was probably a religious tract, for whenever his 
eyes left the paper, they invariably took an upward look, before taking 
a sweep of the wide verdant horizon. At the first glance it occurred to 
me that his horse had bolted ; but a nearer examination corrected my 
error: the collar was lying on the ground; the long reins beside it; 
the shafts were whole, and uninjured ; not a single strap was broken, 
but regularly unbuckled. I felt completely in the dark. Horses are 
occasionally talten out of carriages, when the mob is in the humour to 
act as their substitutes ; but Salisbury Plain is perhaps the very last 
place in England for one to look for popularity. Determined to fathom 
the mystery, I rode up to the phenomenon, and with a polite apology, 
begged to tender my best services, in a case I could not help fearing 
was one of emergency. The offer was well received, but my assistance 
declined in the quiet and laconic style supposed to be peculiar to the 
taciturn sect which owns Fox for its founder. 

" I thank thee, friend, — but there is no need." 

" I am happy to hear it," I replied, " I was in fear " 

"Friend, we ought to fear nothing but sin." 

" I beg your pardon, sir, but " 

" Thou hast not offended." 

" It occurred to me, that possibly your present position was the result 
of some accident — " 

" Friend, there is no such thing as accident : — all is Providence.'" 

I confess I felt rather sceptical on the subject; there seemed so little 
of a heavenly dispensation in being planted in his peculiar situation. 
I could not help thinking, that if one might desire a blessing, ten 
thousand worldly advantages were preferable to the doubtful one of 
sitting in a chaise, without a horse, in such a vicinity. In the mean 
time, the Quaker resumed his reading ; and gave me leisure to look all 



118 



SKETCHES ON THE EOAD. 



round, with the inward conviction of seeing some stout, sedate, elderly 
nag grazing soberly, by permission, ojr the abundant herbage. I was 
still mistaken ; there was nothing to be seen, excepting a few sheep, 
within the whole range of the horizon. My curiosity increased ; I 
could neither make up my mind to ride off, nor to again accost the 
taciturn Quaker, who seemed more deeply absorbed than ever in his 
tract. At last, as he paused, apparently to digest the contents of the 
last page he had been reading, I ventured on a fresh attack. 

" I am afraid, sir, that while you have been engaged with your book, 
your horse has strayed farther off than you are aware of." 

" I thank thee, friend," said the man of few words, turning over a 
new leaf, — " my horse is in sure hands ; " and again he buried his mind 
in the pamphlet. Qualter as he was, I felt somewhat piqued at his 

quietism, and accord- 
ingly determined to 
oblige him to speak to 
the matter in hand. 

" Possibly, sir," said 
I, " your horse has cast 
a shoe, and you have 
sent him to the next 
blacksmith's ? " 

The Quaker read on 
" If so," I continued, 
" I congratulate you on 
possessing a book to 
amuse your leisure." 
No answer. 
" I wish," — raising 
my voice — "that I could 
anticipate better weather 
for you, sir, than the 
clouds seem to threaten. 
I'm very much afraid - 
we shall have a storm." 
Still mute as a fish. 
" It was once my mis- 
fortune," said I, getting 
quite provoked, " to be caught in one, just about this very spot :— and 
I assure you, sir, it was very far from pleasant." 
Mum as ever. 

" What was worse, sir, I got benighted ;— and there can't be a 
wretcheder place in all England for such a dilemma. I was six hours 
adrift, at the very least, on this infernal waste." 

I might as well have talked to Stonehenge itself. The perverse 
Foxite kept his lips hermetically sealed ; and I had gathered up the 
renis, turned my horse's bead, and was about to ride olT in a huff when 
Ins voice unexpectedly saluted me. ' 




THE CORN QUESTION. 



THE FKESH HORSE. 



ll'J 



" Fi'iend, I wish tliee a good journey." 

It was on the tip of my tongue, according to the common rejoinder, 
to "wish him the same; " but the absurdity was too palpable, considering 
his means of travelling ; and as it was a question of some difficulty 
what aspiration to offer, under such circumstances, I found myself 
reduced to a very awkward silence. In the days or realms of enchant- 
mentj it would have been otherwise ; for instance, one might have 
wished him a pair of flying dragons, or a team of peacocks, or turned 
half a dozen of the field-mice into as many cream-coloured Arabians ; — 
but as wishing has lost all magical power, I was just on the point of 
merely lifting my hat, as a farewell courtesy, when he again addressed 
me. 

"Friend, shouldst thou meet the man who hath my horse, I will 
thank thee to bid him make good speed with the work in hand." 

" With the greatest pleasure, sir, provided you will favour me with 
the means of recognising them." 

" Friend, thou canst not err. The brute creature hath three white 
legs, — with what is called a blaze on his forehead, — and a long tail, 
undocked by the cruel abomination of shears. Respecting the rider, I 
Ciinnot speak, seeing that I did not take the particulars of his outward 
man." 

"I think, sir, I should know your horse: — but is it possible, my good 
sir, you can have entrusted him to an utter stranger ? " 

" Thou shalt hear, friend," — and stowing away his book, clasping his 
hands over his waistcoat, and 
t\virling his thumbs over each 
other, the Quaker began his 
relation. The boy Jonathan, 
he said, had lately been sorely 
extravagant in the articles of 
oats and beans for his horse, 
whereof followed not only waste 
and cost, but likewise the brute 
creature, according to the 
scripture, waxed fat and kicked. 
Whence it came to pass, 
amongst other trials and suf- 
ferings, for the headstrong 
spirit of viciousness to possess 
itself so powerfully of the horse, 
just at midway of his journey, 
there or thereabouts, as to be 
beyond all controlling with the 
leather contrivances. Where- 
upon he had resigned himself 

inwardly to the power of grace, which had sent present help in need, 
namely, by raising up a man out of a bush, an utter stranger, indeed, 
but a Christian, with bowels of mercy, who had grappled the wilful one 




IHE NianT-MAHE. 



120 SKETCHES ON THE KOAD 

by the head; moreover, undertaking, before proceeding further, to abate 
the violent temper thereof, by abundant gallopping to and fro upon 
the plain. 

I suppose an involuntary smile must have played across my features 
at this part of the story, for the worthy Quaker evidently penetrated 
my thought, and in truth I had my doubts upon the case. 

" I perceive, friend, thou thinkest I have entrusted my horse to one 
of the wicked ones ; — but thou ought to have a more charitable opinion 
of thy brethren in the flesh. I feel as secure of the brute creature, as if 
I had him here between my thighs. It would have done thee good to 
see the honest man, how he wrought with him, at peril of his own life 
and limb ; as well as to hear his comfortable discourse. I remember 
his very words. ' Only sit still in the shay,' he saith, ' and keep your 
mind easy; — he's wonderful fresh at present, but I'm used to the sort, 
— and when you get him in the shafts again, you won't know him from 
a mouse.' " 

The mention of a mouse, from some sort of association with smelling 
a rat, here overcame my risible muscles, and my comment on the story 
took the form of a violent fit of laughter, in which from mere sympathy 
the good-humoured Quaker very heartily joined. 

" It was, verily," he said, " a ludicrous speech enough, to compare a 
four-footed animal so large, with one so small : — but nevertheless, 
friend, the poor honest man was quite in earnest. Sundry times he 
brought the horse unto me, to show bis manner of snorting, and 
whinnying, and uplifting his heels. ' It's about as peppery a one,' he 
saith, ' as I ever took in hand : but only sit easy in the shay, and I'll 
have it all out of him, if I gallop him all down to Salisbury and back.' " 

"You are sure, sir, he said back ? " 

"Friend, thou art relapsing into thy uncharitableuess ;— and if, as 
St. Paul saith, we lack charity " 

"Excuse me, sir — but I cannot help thinking that a few turns, under 
your own eye, would have been quite as efficacious, in taking the fresh- 
ness out of your horse, as a gallop right on end till he was out of sight." 

" It is that very argument, friend, which stirs up my concern. I 
have sore fears that the vicious horse hath run away with the honest 
man ! " 

" And for my part, sir, I have fears too,— -that the vicious man has 
run away with the honest horse." 

The benevolent Quaker gazed earnestly at me for a minute, shook 
his head, pulled out the tract again from his pocket, hemmed, put on 
his spectacles, hemmed again, and forthwith, in a most solemn tone, 
commenced an extempore sermon on the text of " Judge not, lest ye be 
judged." As I had lay appointments of some importance, I found 

myself obliged to interrupt him in the middle of his homily ; and with 

an appropriate apology, and a reiteration of the hope which had given 
occasion to the lecture, I took my leave. To a man of the world I 
need not say which of us proved to be in the right ; but for the sal^e'of 
the children of simplicity, I will give the sequel. About a year after- 



THE DEAD EOBBEKT 



121 



wards, I encountered our worthy Quaker at a public meeting ia the 
metropolis ; and he shook his head the moment he saw me. 

" Thou wast correct, friend," he said, " alas, too correct, in thy judg- 
ment of the honest man upon Salisbury Plain. Of a surety, it was a 
fresh horse that drew me thither ; — and verily, I was necessitated to 
buy me 9. fresh horse to draw me back again " 




"IT'S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. ' 



THE DEAD EOBBEEY. 



"Here's that will sact a city." — Hen'.-y the JVih. 



Of all the causes that induce mankind 

To strike against themselves a mortal docket, 

Two eminent above the rest we find — • 

To be in love, or to be out of pocket : 

Both have made many melancholy martyrs, 

But p'rhaps, of all the felonies de se. 

By ponds, and pistols, razors, ropes, and garters, 

Two-thirds have been through want of £.' s. d. ! 

Thus happen'd it with Peter Bunce ; 
Both in the dumps and out of them at once. 
From always drawing blanks in Fortune's lottery, 
At last, impatient of the light of day, 
He made his mind up to return his clay 
Back to the pottery. 



jgo inE DEAD BOBBEBY, 

Feigning a raging tooth that drove him mad, 

From twenty divers druggists' shops 
He begg'd enough of laudanum by drops 
T' effect the fatal purpose that he had ; 
He drank them, died, and while old Charon ferried him, 
The Coroner convened a dozen men. 
Who found his death was phial-ent — and then 
The Parish buried him ! 

Unwatch'd, unwept, 
As commonly a Pauper sleeps, he slept ; 
There could not he a better opportunity 
For bodies to steal a body so ill kept. 

With all impunity • 
In fact, -when Night o'er human vice and folly 
Had drawn her very necessary curtains, 
Down came a fellow with a sack and spade, 
Accustom'd many years to drive a trade. 
With that Anatomy more Melancholy 

Than Burton's ! 

The Watchman in his box was dozing ; 
The Sexton drinking at the Cheshire Cheese ; 
No fear of any creature interposing. 
The human Jackal work'd away at ease : 

He toss'd the mould to left and right. 

The shabby coffin came in sight. 
And soon it open'd to his double-knocks.-r- 
When lo ! the stiff'un that he thought to meet. 
Starts sudden up, like Jacky-in-a-hox, 

Upon his seat ! 

Awaken'd from his trance, 
For so the laudanum had wrought by chance, 

Bunce stares up at the moon, next looking' love). 

He spies a shady Figure, tall and bony, 

Then shudders out these words " Are — you — the — Uevil '? ' 

" The Devil a bit of him," says Mike Mahoney, 

" I'm only com'd here, hoping no affront. 

To pick up honestly a little blunt — " 

" Blunt! " echoes Bunce, with a hoarse croak of laughter, 

" Why, man, I turn'd life's candle in the socket, 
Without a rap in either pocket, 

For want of that same blunt you're looking after ! " 
" That's true," says Mike, " and many a pretty man 

Has cut his stick upon your very plan. 

Not worth a copper, him and all his trumps. 

And yet he's fetch'd a dacent lot of stuff, 



THE DEAD EOBBEHT. 



laS 



Provided he was sound and fresh enough. 
And dead as dumps." 

" I take," quoth Bunce, with a hard wink, " the fact is, 
You mean a subject for a surgeon's practice,- — 
I hope the question is not out of reason, 
But just suppose a lot of flesh and bone, 

For instance, like my own. 
What might it chance to fetch now, at this season ? " 
" Fetch is it? " answers Mike, " why prices differ, — 
But taking this same small bad job of ours, 

I reckon, by the pow'rs ! 
I've lost ten pound by your not being stiffer ! " 




ACTIVE AND PASSIVE STOCK, 



Ten pounds ! " Bunce echoes in a sort of flurry, 
" Odd zounds ! 
Ten pounds, 
How sweet it sounds. 
Ten pounds ! " 
And on his feet upspringing in a hurry — 
It seem'd the operation of a minute — 
A little scuffle — then a whack — ' 
And then he took the Body Snatcher's sack 
And poked him in it ! 



124 THE DEAD ROBBERY. 

Such is this life ! 
A very pantomime for tricks and strife ! 
See Bunce, so lately in Death's passive stock. 
Invested, now as active as a griffin, 
Walking — no ghost— in velveteens and smock, 

To sell a stiff'un ! 

A flash of red, then one of blue, 
At last, like lighthouse, came in view ; 
Bunce rang the nightbell ; wiped his highlows muddy 

His errand told ; the sack produced ; 
And b}' a sleepy boy was introduced 
To Dr. Oddy, writing in his study. 
The bargain did not take long time to settle, 
"Ten pounds 

Odd zounds ! 
Plow well it sounds 
Ten pounds," 
Chink 'd into Bunce's palm in solid metal. 

With joy half-crazed, 
It seem'd some trick of sense, some airy gammon, 

He gazed and gazed, 
At last, possess'd with the old lust of Mammon, 
Thought he, " With what a very little trouble. 
This little capital I now might double " — 
Another souffle of its usual brevity, — 
And Doctor Oddy, in his suit of black. 

Was finishing, within the sack. 

His " Thoughts upon Longevity ! " 

The trick was done. Without a doubt. 
The sleepy boy let Bunce and burthen out ; 
Who coming to a lone convenient place, 
The body stripp'd; hid all the clothes; and then, 
Still favoured by the luck of evil men, 
Found a new customer in Dr. Case. 
All more minute particulars to smother, 
Let it suffice, 
Nine guineas was the price 
For which one doctor bought the other ; 

As once I beard a Preacher say in Guinea, 
" You see how one black sin bring on anudder, 

Like little nigger pickaninny, 
A-riding pick-a-back upon him mudder ! " 
" Humph! " said the Doctor, with a smile sarcastic, 
Seeming to trace 
Some likeness in the face, 



THE DEAD ROBBERY. 



135 



" So death at last has taken old Bombastic ! " 
But in the very middle of his jolting, — 
The subject, still unconscious of the scoff — 
Seized all at once with a bad fit of choking, 

He too was taken off! 
Leaving a fragment " On the Hooping Cough." 




A PAUPEK lA' HIGH IirMEF. 



Satan still sending luck, 
Another body found another buyer : 
For ten pounds ten the bargain next was struck, 

Dead doctors going higher. 
" Here," said the purchaser, with smile quite pleasant, 
Taking a glimpse at his departed brother, 
" Here's half a guinea in the way of present, — 
Subjects are scarce, and when you get another, 
Let me be first." — Bunco took him at his word, 
And suddenly his old atrocious trick did. 

Sacking M.D. the third, 
Ere he could furnisli " Hints to the Afflicted." 



Flush 'd with success, 

Beyond all hope or guess, 
His new dead robbery upon his back, 
Bunce plotted — such high flights ambition takes,- 



J 2(5 THE DEAD ROBBERY, 

To treat tbe Faculty like ducks and drakes, 
And sell them all ere-they could utter " Quack ! 
But Fate opposed. According to the schools, 
AVhen men become insufferably bad, 

The gods confer to drive them mad ; 
March hairs upon the heads of April fools ! 




A r-A.Y IMPROPHIATOR. 



Tempted by the old demon avaricious, 
Bunce traded on too far into the morning ; 
Till nods, and winks, and looks, and signs suspicious 

Ev'n words malicious. 
Forced on him rather an unpleasant warning. 
Glad was he to perceive, beside a wicket, 
A porter, ornamented with a ticket. 
Who did not seem to be at all too busy — 

" Here, my good man, 

Just show me, if you can, 
A doctor's — if you want to earn a tizzy ! "' 

Away the porter marches, 

And with grave face, obsequious precedes him, 

Down crooked lanes, round corners, under arches ; 

At last, up an old-fashiow'd staircase leads him, 

Almost impervious to the morning ray, 

Then shows a door — "There, that's a doctor's reckou'd, 



THE DEAD EOBBEHY 



isr 



A rare Top-Sawyer, let who will come second^ 
Good day." 

" I'm right," thought Bunee, " as any trivet ; 
Another venture — and then up I give it ! " 
He rings — the door, just like a fairy portal, 

Opens antouch'd by mortal 

He gropes his way into a dingy room, 

And hears a voice come growling through the gloom, 

" Well— eh ?— Who ? What ?— Speak out at once ! ' 

" I will," says Bunco. 
" I've got a sort of article to sell ; 
Medical gemmen knows me very well — " 
But think Imagination how it shock'd her 
To hear the voice roar out, " Death ! Devil ! d — n 

Confound the vagabond, he thinks I am 
A rhubarb-and-magnesia Doctor ! " 
" No Doctor!" exclaim'd Bunce, and dropp'd his jaw, 
But louder still the voice began to bellow, 
" Yes, — yes, — odd zounds ! — I cmi a Doctor, fellow. 

At law ! " 

Trie word suffic'd. — Of things Bunce feared the most 
(Next to a ghost) 

Was law, — or any of the legal corps, — 

He dropp'd at once his load oi flesh and bono, 
And, caring for no body, save his own, 

Bolted, — and lived securely till fourscore, 

From never troubling Doctors any more ! 




4PX'R01'BTATICIN CLAWS. 



^28 SPANISH PRIDK. 

SPANISH PEIDE. 



It was in the year 1812,— there or thereabouts,— for I can't be more 
particular, seeing as how I kept no log, except my own head— but we 
was sent to cruise off the Spanish coast in the Bay of Biscay, with 
orders to make ourselves as comfortable to the Dons, and as uncomfort- 
able to the Mounseers, as we could. Now the French in their marches 
was obliged sometimes to tread pretty close to the shore, and then we 
pelted away at them with our gun-boats, which kept working along with 
them on a parallel. Well, one day it was my turn to take a spell in 
the boats ; and as no enemy was in sight, our Luff, rather than be idle, 
takes it in his head to go and overhaul a bit of a castle, about a cable's 
length from the beach. So we pulls right for the land, and a party of 
us, myself for one, goes ashore without meeting a soul, good or bad,^ to 
help or hinder us. We was soon in the inside of the castle, rummaging 
the kitchens and cellars in the first place, you maybe sure ; but without 
finding the value of a keg of wine, by way of a present for the Admiral, 
or any body else you like ; when all at once we hears Bill Jones hailing 
us with a " Here you shall see what you shall see ! " So we follows the 
voice, and comes into a biggish room, hung all over with painted 
pictures of ladies in pillory-ruffs, and men in armours, with a spare set 
of whiskers stowed away between their noses and mouths. The wonder- 
fullest sight, howsomever, was an old Don, at the further end of the 
room, sitting in state, with a long straight sword in his fist ; the very 
image of the other old Don, in the picture behind him. At first we 
took him for a wax-work ; till Bill Jones made bold to pint at him with 
his finger, whereby he let drive with his toasting-iron, and would have 
run Bill right through his duff, if so be he hadn't jiimp'd back'ards. 
You may be sure we jaw'd him well for it ; but with no more aggrava- 
tion to him than if he had been a Chiny-man's Joss : at last, just as we 
were making up our minds to a spree with him, in comes the Luff, and 
scrapes a full-grown bow to the old Don, who returned it with the least 
bit of a nod you ever seed. Finding such a shabby sort of a salute, the 
Left'nant took a pull, like, at his backstays, and stood up as stiff as he 
could, which was something more than upright, as much as to say, I 
perceive none of my betters ; but the Don warn't of the same opinion, 
for he leaned over the back of his chair till it cracked again ; while his 
chin seemed looking over the Left'nant's head. Then the Left'nant 
slews himself half a turn round to larboard, and pretends to be looking 
at the pictures, and the Don slews himself half a turn to starboard, 
pretending to take a pinch of snuff. It was a regular manceuvring to 
get the weather gauge of each other's dignity ; — at last the Left'nant 
opens with a compliment, and the Don returns it with the biggest words 
he can pick, for he talked good dictionary English enough. We couldn't 
entirely make it out, except that he was a Don, two thousand years old, 



SPANISH PRIDE. 



lag 



and sitting there to keep his own castle agin the French : — the more 
fool he — with as good a chance as a bumboat agin a seventy-four. The 
Left'nant tried hard to persuade him to go aboard the fleet ; but he 
might have saved his jaw tackle ; for it was about as easy as to get a 
round shot into a Quaker. Well, whilst they were argufying it, some- 
body sings out, " The French ! the French ! " — and in course it's cut 
and run,— except the old Don, who kept sitting, looking as wise as a 
Solon goose, which, you 
know, will sit on its 
nest, till you come 
right up and knock it 
on the head. It showed 
game in him, howsum- 
ever, and thinks I to 
myself, I'll save old 
Stiff-back without asiug 
his leave. So I con- 
trives to get him on my 
back, and before he 
well knew his bearings, 
I had him down in the 
fore court, and almost 
out at a breach in the 
wall, if he hadn't held 
on at both sides of it, 
like a cat with her 
claws. I'm bound, now 
I thinks of him, it was 
all along of my not 
taking him out at the 

great gate, — be that as it may, the French come'd on while we were 
scuffling, and nabb'd us both. There was no use in my showing 
fight agin so many, if they had given me time for it ; but the Don 
rather than surrender his sword, made a sort of a try to shy it up to 
heaven, whereby, no thanks to him ! I got a staggering rap on the 
pate with the hilt, when it came down again. He was the proudest 
beggar I ever see, out and out! I took an observation, when they 
marched us inland, that he always forged a-head of me, if it was only 
the breadth of your hand : besides cutting through afore me, whenever 
we came to a narrow wicket or the like. As for talking, he never 
opened his lips wide enough for a cockroach to squeeze between them, 
till we came to the prison; and then only to ax for a separate cell all 
ilone to himself. For my own parts, thinks I, the more the merrier, 
and I was far from consarned to find the old Don locked up along with 
me — not that he was sociable at all, but quite the reverse ; for he 
always gave me as. wide a berth as the walls would let him. He took 
mighty pains, besides, to squat himself down the same moment that I 
did, for fear of his standing to my sitting— I can't tell you half his 

SECOND SEniES. K 




'TAKE A PIXCH FROM MY BOX." 



180 



SPANISH PBIDE, 



Spanish tricks, to keep up his dignity, — hut one was always to keep to 
starboard; and another to be everlastingly cover'd in my company, 
whereby he ate, drank, and even sleeped in his slouch 'd hat. It was 
the most divarting thing in life, if it had only been a stage-play ; but I 
got tired of it in the long run, like salt pork, or any thing else that is 
constant, and began to wish for my liberty. The Mounseers didn't 
keep the brightest look out in the world ; and so I determined to give 
them the slip. It was only to work a hole thro' a four-foot wall ; and 
then double the sentry ; and then get down a rampart twenty feet deep ; 
and then get across the ditch; and then get to the coast; and then 
swim off to the fleet. So I set to work with a will, and in less than 
nine weeks I had picked a hole just under the little window, so that by 
knocking them both into one, there would be room enough for my body 
to get through — no thanks to the old Don, who never lent a hand, or 
even a finger, but looked on as grand as a lord at the lacky that's a- 
blacking his shoes. Howsumever, as he was only a Spaniard, and it 
was the-fault of his bad bringing up, I overlooked it for once, and let 
him into all my plans ; and by way of a return, to show gratitude, what 
does he do, when the time comes, but refuses to shake hands by way of 
swearing to stand by each other ! Well, I overlooked that too, in con- 
sideration of his igno- 
rance — and what comes 
of it? — Why he hustles 
me away from my own 
hole, that I had picked 
with my own hands, to 
get out first. As soon 
as we were both outside, 
" Now, Cavaliero," sa3'8 
I, squeezing my voice 
into a small whisper, 
" we must skulk past the 
sentry ; — it's stoop you 
must," said I, " and 
come under the sha- 
dow," but the devil a bit 
he'd stoop, but stalked 
along, bolt upright, like 
the ghost in the play, 
with the full moon shin- 
ing with all its might on 
his infarnal ruff. Lucky 
for us, the sentry had got 
his dead lights up, and 
couldn't see any thing but what he was dreaming of, so -we gets undis- 
kivered to the ramparts. I had made a rope of my sheets, and had it 
fast in no time to one of the guns, — then, manning the gangway, for I 
knew what sort of a customer I had to deal with, I scraped my best 




IMMfJASURABLY SUPEBIOK. 



JOHN JONES. ]31 

bow, and invited the old Don to go down afore me. It was doing the 
handsome thing by him any how ; — but after giving a look over, he 
furls up his arms one within another, and turns his back on my rope, 
as if it warn't fit to hang a dog. I thought at first as how he fancied it 
didn't look strong enough ; but it was nothing after all but his Spanish 
pride. What do you think the old stiff-backed beggar said ? "I don't 
object to the rope," says he ; " nor I don't object to escape,'' says he ; 
" but I'll stand here till the day of judgment," says he, " before I'll 
escape," says he, " by letting myself down ! " 



JOHN JONES. 

A PATHETIC BALLAD. 



" I saw tlie iron enter into liia soul." — Sterne. 



John Jones he was a builder's clerk. 

On ninety pounds a year. 
Before his head was engine-turn'd 

To be an engineer ! 

For, finding that the iron roads 

Were quite the public tale. 
Like Kobin Kedbreast, all his heart 
Was set upon a rail. 

But oh ! his schemes all ended ill. 
As schemes must come to nought. 

With men who try to make short cuts. 
When cut with something short. 

His altitudes he did not take. 

Like any other elf ; 
Bat first a spirit-level took. 

That levelled him, himself. 

Then getting up, from left to right 

So many tacks he made. 
The ground he meant to go upon 

Got very well survey'd. 

How crows may fly he did not care 

A single fig to know ; — 
He wish'd to make an iron road, 

And not an iron crow. 

k2 



13a 



JOHN JONES. 



So, going to the Kose and Crown, 
To out his studies short, 

The nearest way from 2nnt to pint, 
He found was through a quart. 

According to this rule he plann'd 
His railroad o'er a cup ; 

But when he came to lay it down, 
No soul would take it up ! 




"rAIlLIASlENT REJECTS MY UKE ! " 

Alas ! not his the wily arts 
Of men as shrewd as rats, 

Who out of one sole level make 
A precious lot oi flats ! 

In vain from Z to crooked S, 
His devious line he showM ; 

Directors even seem'd to wish 
For some directer road. 



* 



The writers of the public press 
All sneered at his design ; 

And penny-a-liners wouldn't give 
A penny for his line. 



JOHN JONES. 



133 



Yet still he urged his darling scheme, 

Iti spite of all the fates ; 
Uutil at last his zigzag ways 

Quite brought him into straits. 

His money gone, of course he sank 
In debt from day to day, — 

His way would not pay him — and so 
He could not pay his way. 

Said he, " All parties run me down — 

How bitter is my cup ! 
My landlord is the only man 

That ever runs me up ! 

"And he begins to talk of scores, 
And will not draw a cork ; " — 

And then he rail'd at Fortune, since 
He could not rail at York ! 

The morrow, in a fatal noose 
They found him hanging fast ; 

This sentence scribbled on the wall,— 
" I've got my line at last ! " 

Twelve men upon the body sate. 
And thus, on oath, did say, 

"We find he got his gruel, 'cause 
He couldn't have his way ! " 




TRAINS ARE COMIKQ IH. 



131 



AN lEISHMAN 



-no better than one : to wit, a right one 



and a wrong one; 

constantly to the Uround. 

to breathe : his Sign is Taurus 



Is a Man with two Ideas- _ - „ , , • w<. 

between which, lil^e two Stools, his Wit comes 
Thus it is as natural for Him to blunder as 
for he is constantly uttering dilemmas 
with horns to them. Verily 
the expertest Matador of 
Seville would be sorely 
tasked to encounter all the 
Bulls which come out of 
his Mouth. 

Hence is he a Catholic 
by nationality ; for the 
Pope makes Bulls like- 
wise ; and is therefore a 
mere Irishman, born at 
Eome. For the rest of 
his Religion, he confesses 
to at least nine of the 
Seven Mortal Sins; and 
above all, Sabbath-Break- 
ing, by which he under- 
stands eating Flesh of a 
Friday. 

In his Politics he is 
commonly a Partisan ; his 
main Aversion being a 
Trimmer, or, as he de- 
scribetli him, a Man who 
sits on both Sides of the House at once. He holds the Emerald Isle 
to be the brightest Euby in the British Crown ; and recommends England 
and Ireland to unite in repealing the Union. He hath a Scheme for 
reducing Tithes from a Tenth to a Fifth ; and another for furthering the 
Education of the Poor, by means of Sunday Schools twice a Week. 

In Hospitality he is Prince-like, for he givetli all he hath, though it 
be but a Potato. " It is not much," he saith, " but you are as welcome 
as the flowers in May, if it was twice as little." 

In Amicality, he will stick to his friend so long as he hath a stick to 
do it withal ; for he is not so much a Member of a Club, as a Club is a 
Member of him ; to wit, his Shillelagh, which, as it cannot write written 
Hand, makes always its Mark. — To see him in his Glory, as the Fidus 
Achates of all Mankind, you must behold him at the Fair of Donny- 
brook, where the Heads look up at the Cudgels, like a Scottish Man at an 
auld Acquaintance, when he says unto him, " Come, gie's yer cracks ! " 
Next to Donnybrook, his Delight is a Duel, or Pistol-Duet; wherein 
he prefers to play First rather than Second ; — but he takes it amiss if 




A FRESCO OF THE SUB-LIME MICHAEL. 



AN IRISHMAN. 



135 



there be not a Hit, even ou his own side. Kather than fail of a 
Challenge, he would call out a deaf Man to a hall in his ear ; nay, he 
hath been known, for want of other satisfaction, to fly to Self Satisfaction, 
by blowing out his own proper Brains. Hence, War, which is the 
Multiplication of a Duel, is quite his Element; only that he is far 
more fierce in multifarious fight, his least Threat to his Enemy being 
that he will " Cut o£f his Head and throw it in his face." 

In Love, his Flame is like unto a Kitchen Fire, which requireth a 
wide Range ; for he is a Sexagenarian, or in Love with some sixty of the 
Sex at once. Yet, for all this Special Licence, he doth not incline to 
marry ; for " it is better," he saith, " to be a-walking with a darling 
Jewel of a Girl, by the sweet light of the Young May Moon, in the 
beautiful Groves of Blarney, than to be the Man in the Honey-Moon, 
looking about for Himself with a Lantern." 

Sometimes, however, he will hunt a Fortune, by way of Chance, but 
he is apt to outrun it as well as his own ; whereupon he betakes himself to 
Potheen, which consoles him for his Single Blessedness, by making it 
seem double. To conclude, he ends, as he had lived, with Spirit ; for, 
taking a Drop of the Creature, he dies like a Creature of the Drop ; to 
wit, in a Eope; for why? as he saith, — "It is better to hang than to 
be dependent." 




BEOISTBATIOS.— A TOTE VOK CORK, 



136 




" HOW HEAT SHE SPREADS TUE WHACKS ! " 



DOMESTIC POEMS. 



'It 'shame, hame, liame." — A. CuNxlNaiiAM. 
' There 's no place like home." — Claki. 



It has often been remarked — and never more likely than after hearing 
"John Anderson, my Jo," sung by Broadhurst, at a public dinner — that 
there is a species of Poetry, indigenous to Scotland, which might 
emphatically be called Domestic. The Land of Cakes is, indeed, 
peculiarly rich in songs and ballads of household interest, which, like 
their stock Tragedy of Douglas, may be said to be Home-made. The 
Caledonian Muse does not merely take a walk round the premises, 
speculating on the domestic comforts, or discomforts, the household 
affections, or disaffections, within ; but she is invited and goes hen, far 
ben ; makes herself quite at home ; and is " treated as one of the family." 
She sits down, like a gossip as she is, at the ingle side ; takes a peep 
into the muckle pat; pries into the cradle; and does not hesitate to 
spier into the dubious pai-entage of " young wee Donald." She gauges 
the meal-tub ; and informs herself of the stock of siller in hand. There 
are no secrets with her. The gude wife and gude man unfold to her 
their most private affairs. They describe to her how they sleep, with a. 
pint stoup at their bed feet; and confide to her all their particular gratifica- 



DOMESTIC POEMS. 



137 




tions and grievances. Johnny complains of a weary pound of tow, — that 
his wife does not drink hooly and fairly, — and hints that he should not 
be sorry to see the ter- 
magant dished up in 
her winding-sheet : — 
Jeanie tells of his ex- 
travagance, in not want- 
ing to take his old cloak 
about him ; and asks 
counsel on the state of 
his grey breeks. The 
Daughter, if she be at 
home, gets the Muse 
in a corner, lets her 
into the names and 
number of her lovers ; 
describes the modes 
and freedoms of their 
wooings; and repeats 
all their love-nonsense 
verbatim. In short, a 
Familiar of the Inqui- 
sition could not be 
more familiar with all 
the recesses of their 
private life: only what the Muse Ivuows she publishes; and, in the 
shape of ballads and songs, spreads her home news, scandal and all, 
throughout the parishes. 

The English, on the contrary, have few Poems of this nature. The Muse 
does not sing like a cricket from our hearths ; and with an abundance 
of home-made wines, we have scarcely a home-made song. This is a 
gap in our literature, a vacant 
shelf in our Family Library, 
that ought to be filled up. I 
cannot suppose that we are 
nationally deficient in the 
fireside feelings and homely 
affections which inspire a do- 
mestic ditty ; — but take it for 
granted that the vein exists, 
though it has not been 
worked. In the hope of 
drawing the attention of our 
Bards to the subject, I venture to offer a few specimens of Domestic 
Poems, " such as " — to use the words of Doctor Watts — " I wish some 
happy and condescending Genius would undertake and perform much 
better." 



. STEP-SIOTIIER. 




TOM nrzs. 



138 



DOMESTIC POEMS. 



HYMENEAL RETROSPECTIONS. 

Kate ! my dear Partner, through .joy and through strife 

When I look back at Hymen's dear day, 
Not a loveh'er bride ever chang'd to a wife, 

Though you 're now so old, wizen 'd, and grey ! 

Those eyes, then, were stars, shining rulers of fate ! 

But as liquid as stars in a pool ; 
Though now they 're so dim, they appear, my dear Kato, 

Just like gooseberries boil'd for a fool ! 

That brow was like marble, so smooth and so fair ; 

Though it 's wrinkled so crookedly now, 
As if Time, when those furrows were made by the share, 

Had been tipsy whilst driving his plough ! 



* J__ ^ ;y|L«S«-ll'S-l!|.f|||o;»IN^«ili | 




PASCV POETRAIT— ALMA MATER. 



Your nose, it was such as the sculptors all chose, 
When a Venus demanded their skill ; 

Though now it can hardly be reckon'd a nose. 
But a sort of Poll-Parroty bill! 



DOMESTIC POEMS. 

Your mouth, it was theu quite a bait for the bees, 

Such a nectar there hung on each lip ; 
Though now it has taken that lemon-like squeeze, 

Not a blue-bottle comes for a sip ! 

Your chin, it was one of Love's favourite haunts. 
From its dimple he could not get loose ; 

Though now the neat hand of a barber it wants, 
Or a singe, like the breast of a goose ! 

How rich were those locks, so abundant and full, 

With their ringlets of auburn so deep ! 
Though now they look only like frizzles of wool. 

By a bramble torn off from a sheep ! 

That neck, not a swan could excel it in grace, 
While in whiteness it vied with your arms ; 

Though now a grave 'kerchief you properly place. 
To conceal that scrag- end of your charms ! 

Your figure was tall, then, and perfectly straight, 
Though it now has two twists from upright — 

But bless.you ! still bless you ! my Partner ! my Kate I 
Though you be such a perfect old fright ! 



139 



The sun was slumbering in the West, 

My daily labours past ; 
On Anna's soft and gentle breast 

My head reclined at last ; — 
The darkness clos'd around, so dear 

To fond congenial souls. 
And thus she murmur'd at my ear, 

" My love, we 're out of coals ! " — 

" That Mister Bond has call'd again. 

Insisting on his rent ; 
And all the Todds are coming up 

To see us, out of Kent ; — 
I quite forgot to tell you John 

Has had a tipsy fall ; — 
I 'm sure there 's something going on 

With that vile Mary Hall ! "— 



140 



DOMESTIC POEMS. 



" Miss Bell has bought the sweetest silk, 

And I have bought the rest — ■ 
Of course, if we go out of town, 

Southend will be the best. — 
I really think the Jones's house 

Would be the thing for us ; — • 
I think I told you Mrs. Pope 

Had parted with her nus •" 

" Cook, by the way, came up to-day, 

To bid me suit myself — 
And what d'ye thiuk? the rats have gnawed 

The victuals on the shelf. — 
And, Lord ! there's such a letter come. 

Inviting you to fight ! 
Of course you don't intend to go — 

God bless you, dear, good night! " 




'WE AUE SF,\EN." 



DOMESTIC rOEMS. 



141 



III. 

A PAREITTAL ODE TO MY SOK, AGED THREE YEARS AND 
FIVE MONTHS. 

Thou bappy, happy elf! 
(But stop,— first let me kiss away that tear)— 

Thou tiny image of myself ! 
(My love, he's poking peas into his ear !) 

Thou merry, laughing sprite ! 

With spirits feather-light. 

Untouch 'd by sorrow, and unsoil'd by sin 

(Good heav'ns ! the child is swallowing a pin I) 




ARTHURS SBA.T. 



Thou litile tricksy Puck ! 
AVith antic toys so funnily bestuck, 
Light as the singing bird that wings the air — 
(The door ! the door ! he'll tumble down the stair : 

Thou darling of thy sire ! 
("Why, Jane, he'll set his pinafore a-fire !) 

Thou imp of mirth and joy ! 
In Love's dear chain so strong and bright a linlt, 
Thou idol of thy parents — (Drat the boy ! 

There goes my ink !) 

Thou cherub — but of earth ; 
Fit playfellow for Fays, by moonlight pale, 

In harmless sport and mirth, 
(That dog will bite him if he pulls its tail ! ) 



142 DOMESTIC POEMS, 

Thou human humming-bee, extracting honey 
From ev'ry blossom in the world that blows, 

Singing in Youth's Elysium ever sunny, 
(Another tumble ! — that's his precious nose ! ) 

Thy father's pride and hope ! 
(He'll break the mirror with that skipping-rope ) 
With pure heart newly stamp'd from Nature's miiit- 
(Where did he learn that squint ? ) 

Thou young domestic dove I 
(He'll have that jug off, with another shove ! ) 

Dear nurseling of the hymeneal nest 

(Are those torn clothes his best ? ) 

Little epitome of man ! 
(He'll climb upon the table, that's his plan ! ) 
Touched with the beauteous tints of dawning life — 

(He's got a knife ! ) 

Thou enviable being ! 
No storms, no clouds, in thy blue sky foreseeing. 

Play on, play on. 

My elfin John ! 
Toss the light ball — bestride the stick — 
(I knew so many cakes would make him sick ! ) 
With fancies, buoyant as the thistle-down, 
Prompting the face grotesque, and antic brisk. 

With many a lamb-like frisk, 
(He's got the scissors, snipping at your govra ! ) 

Thou pretty opening rose ! 
(Go to your mother, child, and wipe your nose ! ) 
IBalmy and breathing music like the South, 
(He really brings my heart into my mouth ! ) 
Fresh as the morn, and brilliant as its star, — 
(I wish that window had an iron bar ! ) 
Bold as the hawk, yet gentle as the dove, — 

(I tell you what, my love, 
I cannot write unless he's sent above ! ) 




HAIR AND OSRUAN BRI5TLG:S. 



DOMESTIC POEMS, 



143 







A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SON. 



IV. 

A SEEENADE. 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! " 
Thus I heard a father cry, 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
The brat will never shut an eye ; 
Hither come, some power divine ! 
Close his lids or open mine ! " 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
What the devil makes him cry ? 

Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
Still he stares — I wonder why ? 
AVhy are not the sons of earth 
Blind, like puppies, from the birth ? 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! " 

Thus I heard the father cry ; 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 

Mary, you must come and try! — 

Hush, oh, hush, for mercy's sake — 

The more I sing, the more you wake ! ' 



144 



DOMESTIC POEMS. 



" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
Fie, you little creature, fie ! 

Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
Is no poppy-syrup nigh ? 
Give him some, or give him all, 
I am nodding to his fall ! " 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
Two such nights, and I shall die 1 

Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
He'll be bruised, and so shall I, — 
IIow can I from bedposts keep. 
When I'm walking in my sleep ? " 

" Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
Sleep his very looks deny — 

Lullaby, oh, lullaby ! 
Nature soon will stupify — 
My nerves relax, — my eyes grow dim 
Who's that fallen — me or him ? " 




**1 CANNOT ITALK ABOUT WITH HIM ANY LONQiai.' 



145 




KTE-ON A TKAOEDTt 



THE COERESPONDING CLUB. 



MoBE Tkoubles at Stoke Pogis — Treasonable Lettep.s — NooTtrBNAL 
Assemblages — ^and Conspieacy against an Illusteious Personage. 

The friends of social order will be grieved to learn that Peace cannot 
keep herself on the peace establishment; but that fresh disturbances 
have broken out in what may now be called the plague-spot of Her 
Majesty's dominions. The particulars have not transpired; but it is too 
certain that the chief magistrate of Stoke Pogis arrived last night by 
express, in his slippers, and without his hat. Fears are entertained by 
some persons for the safety of the capital ; and the Lumber Troop has 
offered to march against the insurgents to Kuightsbridge and back. 
The Common Council has been summoned ; and the boys at the 
Military Asylum have received orders to hold themselves in readiness. 
The barometer has fallen to 19.58. 



From an Official Organ. 

Despatches supposed to be of utmost importance have been received 
in Downing Street; but in a cipher which as yet it has been impossible 
to decipher. Only two words have been made out, and they are at the 
very end of the document, viz. "Excuse haste." 

SECOND SERIES. L 



146 THE COREESPONDINO OLUB 



From the " True News." 



We have it from the hest possible authority, that a discovery of an 
important nature has been made in a certain part of the kingdom, which 
some years back acquired for itself an unenviable notoriety. Under the 
peculiar circumstances, it would be improper to be more explicit ; but 
our readers may rely on the accuracy as vrell as earliness of this 
intelligence. 

From "The Seer." 

Our unequivocal opinion has been often expressed, that the political 
weather would never remain eternally at Set Fair, but would retrograde 
sooner or later to Changeable, if not to Stormy, with the usual latitude 
as to locality ; and our prediction is fulfilled to the letter. Without 
referring to Belgium, or France, or Kussia, or Canada, or Mexico, or 
Jericho, we may triumphantly point nearer home, in proof that we have 
not " wasted our wind." There is a breeze at Stoke Pogis ; and we 
only wait for the details to continue our prophecies. It will be 
remembered, that of all our contemporaries this journal was the only 
one that announced a great fall in potatoes simultaneously with a 
shower of Murphy's. 

Extract from a Private Letter. 

Their is sad wurk hear. The Inflamatory have been gitting the 
Steem up for sum time past, and the report says the bole Biling is 
explodid amung the Stokers. It is saidno too members of the Corpora- 
tion hang togither, and the Hed is blowd all the way up to Lonnon. 

From a Correspondent. 

At a time when the news from Stoke Pogis is adapted to every voice, 
but with so many variations, every authentic note must be acceptable ; 
and the following letter was kindly placed at our service by a gentle- 
man who has a friend who has an acquaintance who has a relative in the 
disturbed district : — 

My dear Charles, 

It is with a throbbing pen and a reluctant heart, that I sit 
down to inform you of the probable recurrence of those afflicting scenes 
which took place in the year '31. Our Village, though strictly a minor, 
appears to be getting up a tragedy more fit for the theatre of war than 
our very limited stage ; but it is the unhappy efifect of popular commo- 
tions to inflate the localities where they take place into a pernicious self 
importance ; and Stoke Pogis having once attracted the eyes of all 
Europe, seems unwilling to return to its primitive obscurity. If you 
have ever visited any remote insignificant country hamlet only 
remarkable for a Shocking Murder, but where the rustics are' more 
conceited, the children more familiar, the young women more forward 



THE COEEESPONDING CLUB. 



147 



and the ale dearer than common, you will know what I mean. How- 
ever, I did hope that the reign of law and subordination and property 
was set in sufficiently to last my time ; but alas ! it is ordered otherwise, 
and as Pope or some- 
body says, ' Chaos is 
come again.' It is, per- 
haps, too late when we 
are in the very vortex 
of an earthquake, to in- 
quire by what false step 
we have arrived at such 
aprecipice; but I cannot 
help thinking that the 
strong arm of the law, if 
called in earlier, might 
have crushed the embers 
under its foot. Theexact 
extent of the danger is 
not known ; but it is 
pretty certain that some 
Hampden, or Thistle- 
wood, or Cromwell, or 
Coriolanus, or some 
such character, has 
sprung up ; and, unless 
nipped in the focus, 
may explode into rami- 
fications that no conciliation will eradicate. In the mean time, fear 
magnifies every thing; and, like Carpenter's celebrated Solar Micro- 
scope, produces the most terrific Bugbears out 
of next to nothing, till you almost expect that 
mite will overcome right. As a sample of these 
provincial rumours, it is currently believed here 
that we are threatened with a descent by a 
Russian Armada, which has already seized 
upon our whalers, with all their oil and blubber, 
to serve as tenders in carrying provisions for 
their fleet. Time will show, and in the mean- 
while 

I remain, dear Charles, &o. 

H. J. P. 

P.S. — I send you a copy of the ' Pogian Argus.' It is a week old, 
but will serve to show the incipient turbulence that smoothedthe wav 
to the present crisis. 




WE SUALL HAVE A TALL OP SOME KIND." 




A TALE-EEAEER. 



1 2 



148 



THE COHBESPONDINa CLUB. 



From the " Pogian Argus." 

Although no akrmists, we cannot help calling the attention of our 
local authorities to the threatening posture and decidedly serious aspect 
of a certain party in this place. AVe flattered ourselves that the cordon 
srmitaire of sound and loyal principles we had drawn round the 
neighbourhood would protect it effectually from contagion; and that 
Stoke Pogis, so much smaller than Birmingham, and so much quieter 

than Sheffield, would 
be secure from political 
disturbance. We have 
been deceived. On 
Saturday night last, 
what is called a " De- 
monstration " took place 
at the Pig and Pun- 
cheon, the notorious 
Timothy Gubbins, of 
Guy Fox celebrity, in 
the chair. The taproom 
was crowded to excess ; 
and many speeches 
were delivered, the sen- 
timents of which, and a 
great deal of the lan- 
guage, were anything 
but English. After 
some preliminEiries had 
been gone through, 

The Chairman said, 
he hoped every gentle- 
man would make hira 
self comfortable. They was met there for the good of the nation, in 
eluding the good of the house ; and he hoped, in calling for reform, 
every gentleman would call for what he liked best. Nobody was tied 
to nothing, either in spouting or drinking. He trusted as how there 
would be an unpartial hearing, and that no gentleman's mouth would 
be stopped, so long as he drank his own beer. 

Reuben Taylor said he riz early to recommend an early rising. The 
people had laid down long enough. There was no sort of use in getting 
up petitions — they ought to get up themselves. If they loved the 
country they would rise betimes. It was a great point to be wide 
awake and up to everything. He would repeat to them a line from the 
immortal and patriotic Burns: — • 

"Now's the time, and now's tile Lour," 

namely, four o'clock in summer, and six in winter. 

Philip G rampage was for all sorts of equality. All men was born 




A RADICAL DEMON-STRATION. 



THE CORRKSPONDING CLUB. 



149 



little at first, and no human being bad a right to be more shorter or 
taller, or fatter, or thinner, or richer, or poorer, or wiser, or unwiser 
then another. In New Harmony there was no first fiddles. 

Jacob Parish stood up for the poor. Short Commons and Universal 
Sufiferage was the birthrights of the poorest pauper on earth. He 
recommended their all signing the Beggar's Petition, and getting it 
presented to the House of Lords. 

Didimus Tibbs was for any strong proceeding that had no spirit in it 
They were more tyrannised over by Gin, Brandy, and Rum, than by 
King, Lords, and Commons. Some said measures not men, but he 
said vice varsy. All measures was bad, from a gill to a gallon. Our 
public Houses wanted reforming. There was no fair representation ; 
for whatever other pumps there might be, there was no member for 
Aldgate. He differed with Mr. Hume. The total of the whole ought 
to be tea — it agreed with the chest. If they were resolved on a strike, 
he should vote as an amendment Tea and Turn-out. 

Peter Plumridge went along with the speaker as went afore. The 
best way to get at the Exchequer, was through the excise-office. Let 
them leave off every 
thing as was taxed, di- 
rect or indirect. A man 
might have consequen- 
tially to go unshod, 
uukiver'd, unwashed, 
unhoused, unfed, un- 
taught, undrest, un- 
watered, unlighted, un- 
watch'd, unattended, 
unphysicked, unbuiied, 
and untestate, but it 
would be for the public 
good. Self-denial was 
a virtue. He had 
practised it a little himself, and had left off soap. 

Ebenezer Snuggles was all for 'tineranting. He had 'tineranted all 
over the country, and it did him good. The last place he preached at 
was Smithfield, and he always bad a flock. He did not like tho 
present ministry, and was always preaching at them to resign. It was 
a powerful instrument. He had preached to a Cripplegit widow till she 
was as resigned as a lamb. 

The Eeverend Stephen Leech said he didn't mind a sight of blood. 
It always came eagerly, as if it enjoyed being let out. He bad been 
accused of liking brute force. So did Barclay and Perkins, for it drew 
all their drays. Nothing could be moved or carried without physical 
power — not even a parcel. As for arms, the working classes could not 
work without 'em. Petitioning was a farce. He wanted to bring 
down the quartern loaf; and. as every sportsman knew, the way to 
bring down anything was to shoot at it. Give a man a gun ; and if he 




COaiING TO THE POINT. 



150 



THE COEEESPONDING CLUB. 



aimed straight, the game was in his own hands. He advised every 
poor man to save up three pounds thirteen shillings and sixpence, and 
take out his certificate. One word about dragooning. There was one 
thin'^ a man on horseback was very shy of, and that was a pike. He 
recommended all his hearers to keep a 'pike. A good stick was better 
than nothing in some cases ; and if it came to a battle he meant to cut 
his stick himself. 

Timothy Boltbee prescribed all existing evils to unperfect edication. 
He had gone among the lower classes on purpose to learu their 




THE TRUCK SYSTEM. 



ignorance, and they positively knowed nothing. He was for universal 
schools everywheres on the cheap principle, namely, the ignorant 
teaching one another. For his own part, he owed all his prominent 
figure to being a schoUard. 

An individual, who addressed the meeting with his hat on, deprecated 
any violence. Things might be done quietly. He belonged to a 
Friendly Society, which had great objects in view. They had already 
the command of the Corn Market ; and if they could only get hold of 
the Money Market, and the Cattle Market, the Coal Market, and the 
rest of the Markets, they might dictate their own terms to Ministers ov 
any one else. He did' not object to a little bodily agitation, and 
advised Quakers' Meetings to be called in every part of the country. 

Tobias Hurlin objected to the New Police. He had never been in 
favour with thera from the beginning. He was convinced that raw 
lobsters did not agree with the Constitution, 

William Polterton wanted to associate. He did not care what with. 
He was for the immediate formation of a Political Burial Society. If 
they liked they could have a Precursor Society afterwards. 

A Mrs. Frisby here presented herself (there were several females 
present) and expressed herself very strongly. She concurred in all 
that had been said, and a great deal more. Some people thought 
females had no right to their rights. Women knew where shoes 



THE COBBESPQNDING CLUB. 



151 



pinched as well as men, and could be quite as oratorical. She was 
always pressing on her daughters to form Unions. There was nothing 
like agitation. A good deal might be done at home. She had 
agitated her own husband that very morning, and if e\ery wife did the 
same they would soon 
obtain their ends. She 
argufied with him day 
and night, and was glad 
to say she had made 
him an apostate at last. 
He didn't like to show 
himself up at a public 
meeting, having an im- 
pediment ; but he was 
putting himself into a 
pamphlet. She liked 
cheap prints. Minis- 
tries would never have 
been so badly advised 
if they had consulted 
the soft sex. Women 
could fight too like lions 
and tigers, when their 
sperrits were put up. 
There was Mary Ann 
Talbot that fit with the 
French. She wished all 
the Niggers at Old Nick, 
The humane and pious had been so diverted with African floggings and 
cruelties they forgot the English ones. She liked white Natives better 
than black ones. Then there was the Corn Bill. She had never been 
in a scrimmage, but she thought she could let fly a blunderbusk. 
Justice wasn't justice any where. What had we done for the Irish, 
except taking all their pigs and butter from them ? Why wasn't there 
a Poor Law for the rich? She hated taxgatherers, and was always glad 
when one was a defaulter. 

The Chairman begged pardon for interrupting, but mayhap tlie lady 
was dry ? 

Mrs. Frisby said she had tea'd. Thank God, her lungs were very 
good. She had tried with her own family, and she could lector three 
hours on a stretch. There was still the Bastiles and the Tithes, and 
the Pensioning List, and the Factory Children, and Army Flogging, 
and 'Besting for Debt, and Law Eeform, and Corporation Reform, 
and Church Reform, and Parliament Reform, and Police Reform, and all 
sorts of reforms to be gone through. She would talk till her tongue 
reached to Windsor Castle. 

{Left speaking when our Rejiorier came ainnj.) 




SPIRIT AND WWER. 



152 THE CORRESPONDING CLUB. 

(Further Particulars.) 

The intelligence last received from Stoke Pogis is of a most distress- 
ing nature. The Grand Civic Banquet, which was to have taken place 
this daj% has heen postponed sine die, on account of the disturhed state 
of the place. The Aldermen are distracted, and hardly know how to 
act. They have just called in Dr. Corby, who, from his extensive 
practice, is supposed to be well acquainted with the state of the public 
pulse. He says the lower orders want lowering, and recommends a 
prompt exhibition of physical force, and the Riot Act to be read evej-y 
three hours. In the meantime, Bundy, our new Head Constable, is 
very active on his own responsibility, and has arrested two suspicious 
ballad-singers for chaunting the Canadian Boat-song with an Irish 
pronunciation of " Eoiv, brothers, row." Alas ! we have row enough ! 

10 o'clock. 
The ferment increases. Mr. Higginbottom, who was never popular, 
has just been mobbed to his own door. There is an awful crowd round 
the Post Office, and another at the door of the Town Hall, endeavour- 
ing to read a hand-bill, which, in the agitation of the moment, has been 
pasted upside down. With some difficulty we have obtained a copy. 

"CoxspiEACY. i£oO Eeward. 

" AVhekeas a certain treasonable letter or letters have been instilled 
into the box of the Post Office of this place which is filled with seditious 
practises the above Pieward is hereby offered on conviction for the 
Writer or Writers thereof. 

•■John Oslkr, Clerk. Boultek, Mayor." 

13 o'clock. 
It is ascertained beyond doubt, that the recent Demonstration at the 
Pig and Puncheon has led to the organisation of a secret association 
similar to the famous " Corresponding Society," in the time of the 
earlier French Revolution. Several treasonable letters have been 
intercepted. Warrants are out against the whole of the parties 
implicated in the above meeting, but hitherto nobody is apprehended, 
except Mrs. Frisby, who is committed to the new Cage. 

(Private Letter.) 
Dkeb Mks. Humpiuus, 

I am going to brake bad news Wen I rit formally that our 
erupshuns was all over, I was no better than a spurus Profit in the 
Pookrifer. Stock Poggis is in a relaps ! I did hop having the revolu- 
shin once wood seacure us to eternity, but alass, it may be had twice as 
well as the Small Pock. I regret to add a more niilignint sort than 
afore. Praps if it had been took in tim— but its no yuse antissipattinc 
wat is past and gon. Here we are agin in civil convulshuns, with all 
sorts of revolting, risings up of the verry dregs of the populus ! But 



THE COBRESPONDING CLUB, 



153 



oil ! Mrs. Huraphvis, wat could be lucked for but sich reversals wen the 
hole Wurld is gone topsy turvy, and femails of our own Sects, for I 
won't call them Wimmin, go making themselves promminent at Pig 
and Punchings ! Wat do you think of Mrs. Frisby sitting up for Demy 
Gog, and mixing promiscusly in a Tap-rum, and spowting out her 
inflameable sentimints like a fiery Draggon on the top of a table ? I 
only wish I was a Mare for her sack and she should Duck in a 
horspond. Howsumever, I have had the comfit to see her collapsed 
between two pelises, and pully-hald thro' the publick streets with a hole 
tote of tag-ragging and bob-tale to her desserts, namely, the New Cage 
wear she is instelliug her pisonus Docterings thro' the Bars to a 
complete rotundity of littel Boys. Thank Gudness Mr. J. is not 
obligated to partake in the crisus, but is handy to purtect me from any 
personable danger. As sich I am quite collectid in the parler without 
locking in, and my riting is more composd. Their is nothing in 
tribbleation and travel like having a Mail within screach. 

As yusual our leader as ort to be has toolc frite and run away down 
every rode except the propper. No won can be more official and 
pumpusly fussy when their is uothin to do ; but the moment the minit 
cums for acting, hes off with the Stage. To be shure he is allmost a 
second child for gray hares ; but, as Mr. J. says, wen activity is most 
I'equird mere experence is my Granmuther. Sumthing precoshus ort to 
have bean dun more prematurely. Wen it was too late a well-afectid 
meating was called, but it did not anser. All the wust sentimints had 
the best spekers on their side, till at long and last Dr. Corby lost 
patients and pitcht the grate Hink Stand at won of the factishus party, 
but mist his ame and blackt the pore Beadle all over, Unluokly we 
have lost a rite harm in pore Wagstaff the Hi Constabil, who desist 
sudetily as he allways aprehended, and I trust was taken up. But 
the suckseeding won does 
his best, and is warrant- Ji^i^szt 
ing every suspishus cha- 
racter he can find. As 
for Mr. Tuder, he is more 
balder and short-sited and 
deffer then ever, besides 
a paradoxical stroak, but 
he does all the good he 
can with his circumben- 
dibus. I ort to have rit 
circumstancis, but the 
holly below in the street 
quite transmigrates ones 
idears. That dredful 
Wigsby had imperial 

orders to confine all his SohoUards in the Free School under lock and 
key, but he was allways on the libberty taking side, and giv them a 
hole hollyday insted ; and wenever Mrs. Frisby's vocative pours cums 




QEriraa a hole holidav. 



184 



THE COERESPONDIKG CLUB. 



to a stand, the paws is filled with a hooray from the most cheering 
wretches ia the place. A fine dangerus noys for a gentilmaa to cum 
riding by on an incumpattable horse. 

I expect every roinuit to hear poppin and explodding, and sit tremblin 
in my skin for fear of a discharge. Fir-arms is my horrer! I reely 

think any spontanus com- 
busting wood kill me out 
rite ! But lord help us if 
it cums to shutting up and 
down the streets like 
Parris or Brussles ! In 
sich a case Mr. J. says, all 
you can do is to make 
j'ureself bumb-proof and 
trust the rest to Provi- 
dins. Thank heven he 
volunteard out of the army 
just wen it was wantid, and 
need not be exposd. But 
I do think it was preci- 
pitus to dissolve the Yo- 
manry in spit of all the 
Cavilry on the subject. 
Nothing can be more un- 
parshal then horsis in dis- 
persin a mob, and as for 
the riders I will say they 
never seamed to no witch 
side they wear on or off. 
The wust of our sitiation is we have not the most distant prospect of 
wat is threttening. Sum say we ar to be powder plotted over agin by 
Gy Fox, and others say we are to be infernaly shot at like the French 
King by Alibi. The Town Crier is as tottley hignorant as anny boddy, 
and Mr. Barber is equaly unintelligent. Even our foria comuuica- 
shuns seems to be circumventid. The Carryer ort to have cum in too 
hours ago. 

Def Gorge has jist returnd from his errants and Grashus Pours ! 
wat a wicked self committing story he tells ! Mr. Skultz the Germin 
Frentch bred backer has been rashly diskivered suspended in his own 
bakus ! The very last man ulive too as won wood suspect of sicli an 
extravagans for he was as sobber and steddy and ploddy and dragging 
as any mil horse in his bisness and had maid out all his customery bills 
and postid his logger up to the fattle act. And then to dress himself iu 
all his best close as if for a Weding or Chrisning with sich a last dying 
speaoli as follow in his pookit " Forety year I have side for libbertis 
rising and he is cum at last — The wurld is now wurth livin in and I 
quit him, with plesure." Oh Mrs. Humphris ! to .leave the Wurld 
behind markt with sich a roddimantade ! But Insland is not wat it was 




GO WHERE OLORT WAITS TTIKE ! 



THE C0EEE8P0NDING CLUB. 



.155 



Volluntary departers are as common as the mizzles. To my mind its 
all owin to the long piece that interduces forin fashuns even in sewy 
side. I allude to charecolling. Theirs Miss Creasy the dress maker 
after having the fashuns reglarly from Parris for some months was 
indust in a luv tif to shut her self up solus with the prevaling mode, hut 
luckly the chai'cole went out fust. To giv her dew she is very penny- 
tenshus for ti-ying to put a wrong end to herself hut dreadful lo in 
sperrits as she cant be reckonsild to make a shew of herself as is 
expectid with other rekivered peple at the Eial Human Anyversenary by 
marchin processhunally round the table a carrying her pan. Praps she 
is rite. I have obje.xshuns meself to defunked objex wauking after their 
deths. 

News at last ! Mrs. Tips the post Slasters Wif has jist faverd me 
with a caul. She is verry misterous, and difficult to be got out of as 
our pump till its fetcht. Theres an awful plot and privycumspiracy 
been laid and all hut hatcht at our verry dores : — but she declines 
menshunning the particularities. She found it all out she says most 
provedently by means of a letter that cum unseald of its own accord. 
Howsumever on other matters she opend herself without reserve and 
wat an exposhure it is ! Oh Mrs. Humphris ! the hole place will be 
discomfitted for ever ! It seems Mr. Higginbottom considderd it his 
public dewty to inspect into all the privit letters at the office witch to be 
sure might be interrupted into a motive of curosity and has led to a deal 
of warm argy bargy pro and con on both sides. For my own parts I 
cannot say confidenshally I should prefer to have my own bed and hart 
laid open to the public eye. However pore sole if he was blammable 
he has been maid an in- 
strument of punishment by 
falling on his own head. 
Mrs. Fips says he had 
bearly red abuv a dozzin 
singles and doubles wen 
behold all at once he maid 
a rush out of her shop taring 
and swaring like a Bedlam 
and was mobbed and bullick 
hunted home by the blag- 
gards and boys. Wat past 
inside the house has not 
cum round yet but of corse 
it will thro the servants 
and when the quarril trans- 
pires she will let me no. 
But that is only a begining 
of a chapter. Only think if 
all the domesticle secrises 

of a place was to be learnd from Its postesses ! Wat divorcis and dewils 
there will be. She wont name names but Mrs. Fips says more than 




MORE BILLINQ THAN COOIKO. 



156 



THE COKEESPONDING CLUB. 




one femail karacter has calld express alreddy to inquier if it had been 
looked into. But sicli is a revilushun ! Even without blud shed it 
cuts off members from one annother and throws half the beds of 

fammilis into biling water ! 
As Mrs. Fips says sich 
evils make one allmost 
dubbius whether scooling 
is more a blessin or a cus 
to the lour orders Lord 
nose. Praps without going 
so fir as setting a forbid- 
din face agin all larping 
it wood be prudential to 
confine that spear of life 
to wurds of one sillabus 
and then they could not 
meddle with pollytix or 
infiddlety, or seadition and 
sich like harrystocratiole 
studdis abuv their ranks. 
For sartin a deal of mis- 
chef cums of pen and 
inkiu. Their is pore Mary 
Griggs whose husband has 
been set agin her by an 
anonimus litter. Its ex- 
pected tliey will part and 
ler and all the five or six 
What can cum but rack 



A DETACnsIENT OF INFANTRY. 



wat on erth can becum of them if him an 
pore childeriug is to bo two for the futer? 
and manger — I should say rack and ruing — Drat that Mrs. Frisby ! 
The hubbub is wus and wus with something like a clatterin of horsis. 
Grashus Pours ! Mr. Blagg the Church Warding says in at the win- 
der the Draggoons has been detacht for and is jist gallupin in with 
naked sords. Mercy on us wat hawful groning and wimmins skreeks ! 
I do hop and pray the populus will not stay to be overcharged. Oh 
Mrs. Humphris you must excuse moor at present. I am half kild 
alreddy — and my husbund will finish it. 



From Mr. J. 
Deau Mks. H., 

It is my unpleasant duty to have to corobborate every word 
my wife has said. The troops is drawn up in the High Street, and 
Marshal Law is expected to act as soon as any Justice can be found to go 
along with him. By favour of Mr. Osier, the Town Clerk, I have just 
had the pleasure of perusing one of the most diabolical seditious letters 
ever wrote. He has kindly allowed a copy, which I enclose for Tour 



THE CORRESPONDING CLUB. 3 57 

gratification, and that of your friends, and remain with my wife's best 
sentiments including my own, 

Yours, &c. &c., 

Nathaniel Jones. 

(Copy.) 
Brother Grand, 

Tiiis is to inform the Club held its Meeting last nite at the 
old Place, with a full attending. The old Bisness were brought forrard 
and went the way it oughted to. Sneak Home wanted more milder 
proceeding. But it was no go. Radicle Jack spoke up like a Trump. 
He said noboddy was satisfide with the Mesures brought in. They had 
been put of with prommises long enow the last Bill was shameful and 
ought to be resisted to the lust Drop. If they submitted aney longer 
they was not Men. Every boddy knew what privit resons Sneak 
Home had, but he would get verry Few to jine him in sticking up 
for the Crown. Great Chearing at that. The time was come for a 
decisive movement. It would be all verry well if so be the Queen's 
head were left to itself. But there was another Party behind as 
cared for anything but the good of the Public. More chears. As for 
Old Prime, they had stuck by him too long Alredy all he wanted was 
to defraud them off their rites and give us as littel as he could. But 
the day of Eeckning would come and then he would see what he add 
got by his half mesures. More chearing. In the mean wile to act 
effective there must be Munny in hand And a good many out standing 
Subseripsions was earnestly invited to Walk in. Famous chearing. 
Twenty four new Members was voted in and took the Oths — and 
several Oflcers chose and appointed to Duties. 

F. Vice. 




*' CHAIR, C.TAIU 1 OnDEE, ORDER I 



From the Pogian Argus. (By Express.) 

An atrocious document, of which the following is a copy, has just been 
intercepted. We offer no comment — it speaks for itself. Some of the 
words, it will be perceived, are illegible in the original. 



158 THE COBRESPONDINa CLUB. 

(Copy.) 

Dear Dick, 

About nite Wurk we was on Sundy nite— and got on midling 
well But should liav dun better witli Guns apeace. That must he 
■* * » * sum bows. Club met last Nite and it was Movd and Carrid to 
» s .* » * off the Queens bed. 

Dahky. 

P.S. Yure Plan is a good move But yew must make shure of the 
Card, 

From, the "Exclusive." 

A Gentleman just arrived from the Neighbourhood of Stoke Pogis, 
where he collected everything he could hear from any body he met. 
The reports were very serious indeed. An infatuated mob with a 
banner inscribed " Bred for Ever " had burned every baker's shop in 
the place, and was proceeding avowedly to set fire to Mrs. Griggs's 
water mill and throw all the flour into the dam. Another band also 
bearing a flag with the motto " Vurk and Vages " had destroyed Mr. 
Grubbin's extensive manufactory, and great fears were entertained for 
Mr. Trotter's. The Dragoons had been ordered to charge in the High 
Street, and had gone over to the other side. Mr. Higginbottom was 
killed by a brick-bat, and Mr. Wigsby had elected himself Dictator. 
The Church of St. Magnum Bonus alone was left standing. All the 
other public buildings were burned down, and the once elegant Town 
Hall, containing the invaluable portraits of the successive Mayoi-s, 
since 1450, was a heap of ruins. 

(Private Letter.) 
My dear Charles, 

I resume my pen to give you the consoling and yet displeas- 
ing intelligence that our Eiots are at an end. To speak more correctly 
they have never begun — however the dragoons are at this moment 
trotting out of the town, and my opposite neighbour Mrs. Faddy and her 
daughters are alighting from the eaiTiage-and-four in which they have 
been 'sitting all the morning, to fly from the Revolution when it came. 
The mobs have dispersed — the prisoners are released and the streets 
are quiet, with the exception that one of the liberated, a ISlrs. Frisby, is 
complaining somewhat loudly of the violated liberties of a subject during 
her walk home. If you ask me how this blessed calm was effected, 
what hand poured the oil, or what Xerxes chastised the refractory wave, 
truth compels me to say we are not indebted to magisterial firmness and 
sagacity, or constabulary activity, or even the presence of the military, 
for this desirable result. Peace has not been restored like Louis the 
XVIII. by any foreign interference, — She has literally restored herself. 
The writers of what have been denominated the diabolical, seditious, and 
highly treasonable letters, have been discovered, or rather they have 
discovered themselves, and it turns out that, like other pseudo Tragedies, 



THE COBRESPONDING CLUB. 



159 



our provincial Drama of Domestic Interest has failed only for want of 
a plot. I feel almost ashamed to expose to you the flimsy materials of 
which the truly imposing fabric was constructed, that has just tumbled 
about the ears of its architects. But the explanation which has been 
given is too clear and consistent to be questioned. The formidable 
" Corresponding Club " is simply what is vulgarly called a Free and 
Easy, and the discontents of its members are confined to the badness of 
the beer, the shortness of the measures, the dearness of the charges, 
aud certain irksome regulations of the landlord's at the public-house they 
frequent. Being what is termed a brewer's house, the influence in the 
background, which one of the 



QllERS. 



letters alludes to, will be 
easily understood. The mas- 
ter, one Prime, is to my own 
knowledge not over courteous 
to his customers, nor particu- 
larly honest ; and under such 
circumstances it is very natural 
to come to a resolution of 
" leaving off the ' Queen's 
Head.' " For the night work, 
and the armed meetings, the 
game-keepers in the neigh- 
bourhood could probably find 
a solution, and furnish more- 
over, a very satisfactory reason 
for forming an acquaintance 
with the Guard of the Mail. 
In short, to use a classical 
allusion, our Volcanic Moun- 
tain has brought forth a most 
ridiculous mouse ! 

Accustomed to venerate all 
constituted authorities, I cannot reflect without pain and humiliation 
on the very absurd figures, if I may say so, which the Supreme Func- 
tionaries of my dear and native Village must now present to the rest 
of the world. It is equally distressing and ludicrous to see one of them 
pass by, like Alderman Chowder, just now, with a look which I can only 
compare to that of an individual who has hanged himself and been cut 
down — ashamed of what he had done and ashamed of what he had not. 
To add to the annoyance of the discomfited Corporation, the writera of 
the letters have claimed the reward so rashly offered, and which will 
probably have to be paid out of their own pockets — the opposition 
party declaring loudly that the sum shall never be allowed in the 
municipal accounts. 

I am. 
My dear Charles, &c. &c. 

H. J. P. 




THIS LITE IS ALL CHEQUERED. 



J CO THE COBRESPOKDING CLUB. 

P.S. — I enclose a curious document : a copy of verses -which, 
perhaps very naturally under the circumstances of the times, our 
Eecorder mistook for an incendiary song. 



Come, all conflagrating fellows, 
Let us have a glorious rig : 
Sing old Eose, and hum the bellows 1 
Burn me, but I'll hum my wig! 

Christmas time is all before us : 
Burn all puddings, north and south. 
Burn the Turltey — Burn the Devil ! 
Burn snap-dragon ! burn your mouth ! 

Burn the coals ! they're up at sixty ! 
Burn Burn's Justice — burn Old Coke. 
Burn the chestnuts. Burn the shovel ! 
Burn a firo, and burn the smoke ! 

Bum burnt almonds. Bum burnt brandy. 
Let all burnings have a turn. 
Burn Chabert, the Salamander, — 
Burn the man that wouldn't burn ! 

Burn the old year out, don't ring it ; 

Burn the one that must begin. 

Burn Lang Syne ; and, whilst you're burnino'. 

Burn the burn he paidled in. 

Burn the boxing! Burn the Beadle ! 
Burn the baker ! Burn his man ! 
Burn the butcher — Bum the dustman. 
Burn the sweeper, if you can ! 

Burn the Postman ! burn the postage ! 
Burn the knocker — burn the bell ! 
Burn the folks that come for money ! 
Burn the bills — and burn 'em well. 

Burn the Parish ! Burn the rating I 
Burn all taxes in a mass. 
Burn the Paving! Burn the Lighting! 
Burn the burners I Burn the gas I 

Bum all candles, white or yellow — 
Burn for wnr, and not for peace ; 
Burn the Cznr of all the Tallow ! 
Burn tbe King of all the Greece I 



THE COBKESPONDlNtt CI^UB. 



161 



Bum all canters — burn in Sraithfield. 
Burn Tea-Total hum and bug 
Burn his kettle, burn his water, 
Burn his muffin, burn his mug ! 

Burn the breeks of meddling vicars, 
Picking holes in Anna's Uras ! 
Burn all Steers 's Opodeldoc, 
Just for being good for burns. 

Bum all swindlers ! Burn Asphaltum ! 
Burn the money-lenders down — 
Burn all schemes that burn one's fingers ! 
Burn the Cheapest House in town ! 




THE DETIL TO PAT, AND NO PITCH EOT. 



Bum all bores and boring topics ; 
Burn Brunei — aye, in his hole ! 
Burn all subjects that are Irish ! 
Bum the niggers black as coal ! 

Burn all Boz's imitators ! 
Bum all tales without a head ! 
Burn a candle near the curtain 
Bum your Burns, and burn your bed ! 

SECOND BERIJiS. 



169 



THE COEEESPONDINfl CLUB. 



Bum all wrongs that won't be righted, 
Poor poor Soup, and Spanish claims — 
Burn that Bell, and burn his Vixen ! 
Burn all sorts of burning shames ! 

Burn the Whigs ! and burn the Tories ! 
Burn all parties, great and small ! 
Burn that everlasting Poynder — 
Burn his Suttees once for all ! 

Burn the fop that burns tobacco. 
Burn a Critic that condemns. — 
Burn Lucifer and all his matches ! 
Burn the fool that burns the Thames ! 

Burn all burning agitators — 

Burn all torch-parading elves ; 

And oh ! burn Parson Stephen's speeches, 

If they haven't burnt themselves. 




BtTRNT OUT FROM OVER THE WAT. 



163 




'ALL IN ONE DAY." 



QUEEIES IN NATURAL HISTOEY. 



Are Fish Deaf as well as Dumb ? 

Certainly not; or why should there be a picture in a certain 
Catholic Church of an Apostle preaching to a scaly congregation, with 
their heads and shoulders attentively lifted out of the water ? Besides, 
Izaak Walton gives an 
instance of Carp which 
were regularly collected 
at feeding time, like hu- 
man creatures, by the 
sound of a dinner-bell. 
It is established then that 
they hear with their out- 
ward ears; but do they 
do it with understanding ? 
Passing over as fabulous 
the fishes of four colours 
in the Arabian Nights, 
which heard and com- 
prehended the Fairy's 
address to them, and 
even answered it from 
the pan — I think it may 

be predicated of a Brill. A few days back I saw a fish of this descrip- 
tion offered for sale at the door of the house opposite to my own. 
— " Will you buy a fine Brill, Ma'am— quite fresh— only caught this 




FLYTNG FISH. 



164 



QUERIES IN NATUBAL HISTOBY. 



morning-leaping alive ? " The Brill on the contrary lay, dab, on the 
hoard, as " stale, flat, and unprofitable." as a fish could look Why 
no-not to-day," was the answer of Mrs. Cook. The board was 
caught up again, and with the woman had just cleared the door when, 
behold I the Brill threw as much of a somerset as any fish out ot water 
could be expected to perform. Could a Christian- supposmg we 
bought and boiled Christians and ate them with anchovy sauce— could 
a Christian have behaved more brilliantly under such an emergency? 



Can a Fly read in a book? 

" Yes," answers a Punster ; " all the fly-leaf." But the question is 
intended seriously. Can the insect read— read like a child that runs- 
read like a reader in a printing office ? Not to enumerate the quantity 

of Fugitive — or flying — 
Poems, the Flying Post, 
and other works which 
seem expressly addressed 
to a Blue Bottle's peru- 
sal, I flatter myself that 
the question in question 
can be provided with a 
settler. I happened to 
be reading one day near 
the open window, when a 
Fly came and settled on 
the open page ; it then 
began to run backward 
and forward along the 
lines in such a very sus- 
picious manner, as to in- 
duce me to watch its 
motions. And very curi- 
ous they were ! The 
book was the Eccentric 
Mirror, and the chapter 
an account of one Mr. 
Joseph Capper, a whim- 
sical character, who used to live at the Horns at Kennington. We — 
for I must include the other — had read on very comfortably through 
several sentences, till coming to the mention of a strong fly-killing pro- 
pensity, which procured for Mr. Capper the nickname of Doniitian — 
judge of my astonishment wlien I saw the insect jump up as if it had 
burnt its feet, and fly rapidly away ! The following little anecdote 
appears to confirm my theory. When I was last in Dublin, I was struck 
by seeing over a shop an inscription strangely at variance with the 
trade carried on within. After making some trifling purchase, I ven- 




TAKINO A FLY AT A WATriUNQ-rLACE. 



QUERIES IN NATURAL HISTOEf. 



165 



tured to ask the proprietor for the reason of this discrepancy. "Sure, 
thin," said he, " it was to spare the sugar. There was Geocbb at first 
there up over the winder, but it brought so many of the flies, bad 1uj1< 
to them ! that I have had Tobacconist put up instead." 



iir. 

Has a cat nine lives ? 

A cat, it is said, has nine lives ; but on what authority is unknown. 
Perhaps Julius Csesar, or Seizor, or Seize-her, whose bitter warfare 
against the Cattii is well known, invented the fatal saying. Possibly it 
came from Catiline, who, amongst his other conspiracies, entertained 
one against the whole feline race. At all events it was the invention of 
an enemy. The nine lives were cunningly set up, like nine pins, to 
invite the knocking of them down again. Hence an Inquisition, which, 
instead of sharing the 
fate of the other so 
called tribunal, is still 
in active existence, and 
numerous are the vic- 
tims, tabby and tortoise- 
shell, that have per- 
ished under its exami- 
nations. At the first 
hint of the ninefold 
tenure, every boy of an 
inquiring turn feels in- 
clined to look into such 
an extraordinary dispen- 
sation ; and though it 
should be his own 
aunt's cat — which is 
always half a relation — 
the young Cateran does 
not hesitate to test its 

imputed vitality. Indeed, all classes seem to feel themselves catcalled 
to decide upon the point ; and the result is, that Grimalkin is not only 
as easily brought to her catastrophe as any other animal, but has actu- 
ally above nine modes of death (any one of them a dose) distinctly ad- 
dressed to her. Here is the Catalogue : — 

1. By a Catapult — or Cat-pelting engine for throwing stones, &o. 

2. By Catarrh — a ropy disease of the throat. 

3. By a Cataclysm or Cataract — vulgo drowning 

4. By Cat o' ninetails — or flogging to death. 

5. By Catacombing — or premature interment. 

6. By Catalepsy — or cat's fits. 

7. By the Catling — or surgeon's knife for dissection. 




TRAGIC MEWS. 



166 



LOED DUBHAMS KETTJBN. 



8. By Catsup — made with toadstools in lieu of mushrooms. 

9. By Catamaran — or exposure on a raft in a pond. 

10. By Catechising dogmatically with terriers. 

11. By Care — which proverbially kills cats. 

To which might be added felis de se, or cattish suicide. When I 
resided in chambers in the Adelphi, a strange cat by some accident got 
shut up in a back room, four stories from the ground. Unluckily she 
had kittens at home, and being separated from her brood, and anxious 
for her offspring, she made a spring off the window to the yard, where, 
as a sailor would say, she stove in her cat-head. 

Talking of Cats, the following characteristic anecdote of an eminent 
but eccentric surgeon has never before appeared in print. A poor 
woman went to him to enquire what was the proper treatment for some 
bodily wound. "Put on a Cataplasm," was the answer. "But, 
Doctor, its for a little child. " Then put on a Kittenplasm." 



LOED DUEHAM'S EETUEN. 



"On revient toujours."- — French Song. 

"And will I see his face again. 
And will I hear him speak f" 

There's nae Luch about the Home. 



'' The Inconstant is come ! " 
It's in every man's mouth; 
Prom the East to the West, 
From the North to the South ; 
With a flag at her head, 
And a flag at her stern ; 
Whilst the Telegraph hints 
At Lord Durham's return. 

Turn wherever you will, 
It's the great talk and small ; 
Going up to Cornhill, 
Going down to Whitehall ; 
If you ask for the news, 
It's the first you will learn, 
And the last you will lose, 
My Lord Durham's return. 

The fat pig in the sty, 
And the ox in the stall, 
The old dog at the door. 
And the eat on the wall ; 
The wild bird in the bush, 
And the hare in the fern, 
All appear to have heard 
Of Lord Dui'ham's return. 



It has flown all abroad, 
It is known to goose-pens, 
It is bray'd by the ass, 
It is cackled by hens : 
The Pintadas, indeed, 
Make it quite their concern. 
All exclaiming, " Come back ! " 
At Lord Durham's return. 

It's the text over wine. 
And the talk after tea ; 
All are singing one tune. 
Though not set in one key. 
E'en the Barbers unite 
Other gossip to spurn. 
Whilst they lather away 
At Lord Durham's return. 

All the Painters leave off, 
And the Carpenters go, 
And the Tailor above 
Joins the Cobbler below. 
In whole gallons of beer 
To expend what they earn. 

While discussing one pint, 

My Lord Durham's return. 



MKD Durham's eetubn. 



167 



It is timed in the Times, 
With the News has a run, 
Goes the rovmd of the Globe, 
And is writ in the Sun. 
Like the Warren on walls. 
Fancy seems to discern, 
In great letters of chalk, 
" "fiy Lord Durham's return ! ' 

Not a mnrder comes out ; 
The reporters repine ; 
And a hanging is scarce 
Worth a penny a line. 
If a Ghost reappeared 
With his funeral urn. 
He'd he thrown in the shade 
By Lord Durham's return. 

No arrival could raise 
Such a fever in town ; 
There's a talk about 'Change 
Of the Stocks going down ; 
But the Butter gets up 
Just as if in the churn. 
It forgot it should come 
In Lord Durham's return. 



The most silent are loud ; 
The most sleepy awake ; 
Very odd that one man 
Such a bustle can make ! 
But the schools all break up. 
And both Houses adjourn. 
To debate more at ease 
On Lord Durham's return. 

Is he well p is he ill ? 
Is he cheerful or sad ? 
Has be spoken his mind 
Of the breeze that be had ? 
It was rather too soon 
With home-sickness to yearn ; 
There will come something yet 
Of Lord Durham's return. 

There's a sound in the wind 
Since that ship is come home ; 
There are signs in the air 
Like the omens of Rome ; 
And the lamps in the street, 
And the stars as they burn. 
Seem to give a flare-up 
At Lord Durham's return! 




"AWAY WITH melancholy!"' 




A. MAN-EATER. 



THE CHAEACTEK. 



" I would give ten tliousand pounds for a character." 

Colonel Chaktres. 

" If you please, Ma'am," said Betty, wiping her steaming arms on 
lier apron as she entered the room, " if you please, Ma'am, here's the 
lady for the character." 

Mrs. Dowdum immediately jumped up from her chair, and with a 
little run, no faster than a walk, proceeded from the window to the fire- 
place, and consulted an old-fashioned watch which stood on the mantel- 
shelf. 

" Bless me ! it is twelve o'clock sure enough ! " 

Now, considering that the visit was by appointment, and had been 
expected for the last hour, it will be thought remarkable that Mrs. 
Dowdum should be so apparently unprepared; but persons who move in 
the higher circles within the vortex of what is called a perpetual round 
of pleasure, where visits, welcome or unwelcome, circulate with propor- 
tionate rapidity, can hardly estimate the importance of an interview in 
those lower spheres which, comparatively, scarcely revolve at all. Thus 
for the last hour Mrs. Dowdum had been looking for the promised call, 
and listening with all her might for the sound of the knocker ; and yet 
when it did come, she was as much flurried as people commonly are by 
what is denominated a drop in. Accordingly, after consulting the 
watch, she found it ne.cessary to refer to the looking-glass which hung 
above it, and to make an extempore toilet. First, she laid hold of her cap 
with both hands, and gave it — her flaxen wig following the impulse 
— what sailors term a half turn to the right, after which she repeated 
the same manceuvre towards the left ; and then, as if by this operation 
she had discovered the juste milieu, she left matters as they were. Her 
shawl was next treated in the same fashion, first being lapped over one 
way, and then lapped over the other, and carefully pinned. Finally she 



THE OHAEACTER. 



169 



gathered up a handful of the front of her gown below the waist, and 
gave it a smart tug downwards ; and then having stroked it with both 
hands to make it " sit flat," if possible, instead of round, the costume 
was considered as quite correct. The truth is, the giving a character is 
an important business to all parties concerned : to the subject who is 
about to be blazoned or branded as good for everything or good for 
nothing — to the inquirer, who is on the eve of adopting a Pamela or a 
Jezabel — and last, not least, to the referee herself, who must show that 
she has a character to preserve, as well as one to give away. There 
are certain standard questions always asked on such occasions, against 
one of which, " Is she clean and neat in her habits ? " Mrs. Dowdum 
had already provided. " Is she sober ? " and Mrs. Dowdum thrust a 
bottle of catsup, but which might have been taken for ratifia, into the 
corner cupboard. "Is she honest?" and Mrs. Dowdum poked the 
Newgate Calendar she had been reading under the sofa bolster. An 
extra query will occasionally be put — " Is she decidedly pious ? " and 
Mrs. Dowdum took up " Pilgrim's Progress." Lastly, two chairs were 
placed near the window, as chairs always are placed when the respective 
sitters are to give and take a character. The reader will perhaps smile 
here ; but in reality there is a great deal of expression about those rose- 
wood or mahogany conveniences. A close observer who enters a parlour 
or drawing-room, and finds a parcel of empty seats away from the wall, 
can judge pretty shrewdly, from the area of the circle and other circum- 
stances, of the nature of the foregone visit. Should the ring be large, 
and the seats far apart, the visit has been formal. A closer circuit 
implies familiarity. Two chairs side by side in front of the fender are 
strictly confidential— one on each side of the rug hints a tete-a-tete matri- 
monial. A chair which presents an angle to its companions, has been 
occupied by a young lady from a boarding-school, who always sits at one 
corner. Two chairs placed back to back need not speak — they are not 
upon speaking terms ; and a chair thrown down, especially if broken, 
is equally significant. A creditor's seat is invariably beside the door ; 
and should you meet with a chair which is neither near the fire, nor near 
the table, nor near any wooden companion, be sure that it has been the 
resting-place of a poor relation. In the present case, Mrs. Dowdum 's 
two chairs were placed square, and dead opposite to each other, as if the 
parties who were to occupy them were expected to look straight into 
each other's faces. It might be called the categorical position, 

"Now then, Betty, I am ready; show the lady up." 

The lady was accordingly ushered up by Betty, who then retired, 
closing the door behind her, as slowly as servants always do, when they 
are shutting the curiosity without and the news within. After the usual 
compliments, the lady then opened the business, and the parties fell 
into dialogue. 

" I am informed, Madam, by Ann Gale, that she lived with you three 
years ? " 

" Certainly, Ma'am — last Martinmas ; which made it a month over, 
all but two' davs," 



170 



THE CHAEAOTEB 



" She is sober, of course ? " ^ , u 

"As a judge, Ma'am— wouldn't touch a drop of spirits for the world. 

Many's the good glass of g— I have offered her of a washer day, for we 

washes at home, Ma'am; but she always declined." 

"And she is steady otherwise — for instance, as to followers?" 
"Followers, Ma'am! nothing in the shape. Ma'am; it would not be 

allowed here:" and Mrs. Dowdum drew herself up till her gown wanted 

smoothing down again. 
" And her temper?" 
"Remarkable mild, Ma'am. Can't be a sweeter. I've tried on 

purpose to try it, and couldn't put her out.'' 




CONFIRMATION STRONG. 



" I beg pardon. Madam, for asking such a question in such a house; 
but she is clean in her habits of course ?" 

" Of course, as you say. Ma'am ; else she wouldn't have stayed so 
long here : " and Mrs. Dowdum looked round her tidy apartments with 
great complacency. 

" So far 80 good," said the lady, fixing her large dark eyes intently 
on the little grey ones opposite. " And now. Madam, let me ask you 
the most important question of all. Is — shr — honest ? " 

" As the day, Ma'am — you might trust her with untold goold ! " 

" Excuse me. Madam, but have you ever trusted her with it yourself?" 

" Lord, Ma'am, scores and scores of times ! She used to pay my 
bills, and always brought me the receipts as regular as clock-work." 

" I am afraid. Madam, that circumstance is hardly decisive. Could 
she be trusted, do you think, in a house where there is a great deal of 



THE CHAHAOTER 



171 



property — the mistress a little careless perhaps — and gold and bank- 
notes and loose change often lying about — ^to say nothing of the plate 
and my own jewels ? " 

"All I can. say is, Ma'am, I never missed anything — never! And 
not for want of opportunity — there's that watch, Ma'am, over the fire- 
place, it's d gold one, and a repeater. Ma'am ; she might have took it over 
and over, and me no wiser 
for I'm apt to be absent. 
Then as for plate, there's 
always my best silver tea- 
pot in that corner cup- 
board—" 

"That may be all very 
true, Madam, and yet not 
very satisfactory. It's the 
principle, Madam, it's the 
principle. Have you ever 
found her making free with 
trifles — tea for instance, or 
your needles and pins ? " 

"Why, Ma'am, I can't 
say exactly, not having 
watched such trifles on pur- 
pose — but certainly I have 
not lost more that way than 
by servants in general." ' 

" Ah, there it is ! " ex- 
claimed the lady, casting up 
her hands and eyes. " No- 
body thinks of crime in its 
infancy — as if it would not 
grow up like everything else ! 
get on to brooches and rings, 




MY SERVICE TO TOU. 



We begin with pins and needles, and 
You will excuse. Madam, my being so 
particular, but nobody has suffered so much by dishonesty. I have 
been stripped three times." 

" You don't say so ! " exclaimed Mrs. Dowdum with a motion of her 
chair towards the other, which telegraphically hinted a wish to know all 
the particulars. 

" It is too true, indeed," said the lady, with a profound sigh, " and 
always by means of servants. The first time all my plate went — 
2000 ounces. Madam, with the family crest, a boar's head — Madam. 
Then they cleared off' all the family linen, a beautiful stock, Madam, 
just renewed; and the third time I lost all my ornaments, pearls. 
Madam, emeralds — topazes — and diamonds. Madam, the diamonds I 
went to Court in." 

"It must have broke your heart, Ma'am," observed Mrs. Dowdum, 
finishing with a prolonged and peculiar clucking with her tongue against 
the roof of her mouth. 



272 THE CHAEACTEH. 

" It nearly did, Madam," said the lady, pulling out her handkerchief. 
" Not for my losses, however, although they were sufficiently consider- 
able but for the degradation of human nature. A girl too, that I had 

brought up under my own eye, and had impressed, as I thought, with 
the strictest principles of honesty. Morning, noon, and night, I 
impressed upon her the same lesson, — whatever you do, I used to say, 
be honest. It's the fourth of the cardinal virtues — ^faith, hope, charity, 
honesty." 

*' And the best policy, besides," said Mrs. Dowdum. 

" The best policy, Madam ! — the only policy, here or hereafter ! It's 
one of the first principles of our nature. Madam. The very savages 
acknowledge it, and recognise the grand distinction of ineum and tuum. 
As Doctor Watts finely says — 

' Why should I deprive my neighbour 

Of his goods against his "will. 
Hands were made for honest labour. 
Not to plunder or to steal.' " 

" Yes, that's a truism indeed," said Mrs. Dowdum. " And pray what 
might become of the wicked hussy after all ? " 

" Ah ! there's my trouble, Madam, said the lady, clasping her hands 
together. "With my own will she should have lived a prey to her own 
reflections — but my husband would not hear of it. He could forgive 
anything, he said, but dishonesty. So the Bow-Street runners were 
sent for, — the unhappy girl was tried — I had to appear against her, and 
she — she — she — oh, oh ! "• — and the lady, covering her face with her 
hands, fell back in her chair. 

" Be composed. Ma'am, — pray do — pray do — do, do, do," ejaculated 
the agitated Mrs. Dowdum. " You must take a sniff of something — or 
a glass of wine — ." 

" No — nothing — not for the world," sobbed the fainting lady — " only 
water — a little water ! " 

The good-natured Mrs. Dowdum instantly jumped from her chair, 
and ran down stairs for a tumbler of the fluid — she then rushed up 
stairs for her own smelling-bottle ; and then she returned to the 
drawing room, where she found her visitor, who eagerly took a long 
draught of the restorative. 

" I am better — indeed I am — only a little faintness " — murmured 
the reviving patient. " But it is an awful thing — a very awful thing, 
Madam, to conduce even indirectly to the execution of a human being 
— for the poor creature was hung." 

"Aye, I guessed as much," said Mrs. Dowdum, with a fresh clucking, 
and a grave shake of the head. " Well, that's just my own feeling to a 
T. I don't think I could feel delighted at hanging any one, no, not 
even if they was to steal the house over my head ! " 

"I honour you for 5'our humanity. Madam," said the lady, warmly 
pressing Mrs. Dowdum's little fat hand between her own. " I hope 
you will never find occasion to revoke such sentiments. In the mean- 



THE CHAEACTEB. 



178 



time I am extremely obliged — extremely. Ann may come when she 
likes — and I have the honour to wish you a very, very, good morning." 

"And I'm sure, Ma'am, I wish you the same," replied Mrs. Dowdum, 
endeavouring to imitate the profound curtsey with which she was 
favoured, "and I hope 
and trust you will 
find poor Ann turn 
out everything that 
can be wished. I do 
think you may repose 
confidently on her 
honesty, I do, indeed, 
Ma'am." 

" We shall see, 
Madam, we shall see," 
repeated the Lady as 
she went down the 
stairs, whence she 
was ushered by Betty, 
who received a piece 
of money during the 
passage, to the street 
door. 

" What a nice wo- 
man ! ' ' soliloquized 
Mrs. Dowdum, as she 
watched her visitor 
across the street and 
round the corner. 
" What a very nice 

woman ! Quite a lady too — and how she have suffered ! I don't 
wonder she is so suspicious — but then she is so forgiving along with it ! 
It was quite beautiful to hear her talk about honesty — Faith, Hope, 
and Honesty, — 

' Why should I deprive my neighbour 
Of his goods against his will ' — 

Why indeed ! I could have listened to her — but — Mercy on us ! 
Where is the goold watch as was on the mantel ! — and — Lord ! where 
is the silver teapot I can't see in the cupboard ? Thieves ! Thieves ! 
Thieves ! " 




TATCISG THE YML. 



" And to think," said Mrs. Dowdum, at her twentieth repetition of 
the story — " to think that I've lost the family goold watch and my 
silver teapot, by letting of her in ! " 

" And to think," said Betty to herself, putting her hand in her 
pocket, " to think that I only got a bad shilling for letting of her out ! " 



174 




COUNTER IRRITATION, 



THE ASSISTANT DEAPEES' PETITION. 



' Now's the time and now's the hour." — Burns. 
" Seven's the main." — Crooktord. 



Of all the agitations of the time — and agitation is useful in dis- 
turbing the duckweed that is apt to gather on the surface of human 
affairs — the ferment of the assistant shopmen in the metropolis is 
perhaps the most beneficial. Many vital queries have lately disturbed 
the public mind ; for instance, ought the fleet of the Thames Yacht 
Club to be reinforced, in the eveut of a war with Russia, or should 
the Little Pedlington Yeomanry be called out, in case of a rupture with 
Prussia ? But these are merely national questions ; whereas the 
Drapers' movement suggests an inquiry of paramount importance to 
mankind in general — namely, " When ought we to leave off? " 

It is the standard complaint against jokers, and -whist-players, and 
children, whether playing or crying — that they "never know when to 
leave off." 

It is the common charge against English winters and flannel waist- 
coats — it is occasionally hinted of rich and elderly relations — it is con- 
stantly said of snuff-takers, and gentlemen who enjoy a glass of good 
■wine — that they " do not know when to leave off." 



THE ASSISTANT DBAPEES PETITION. 



176 



It is the fault oftenest found with certain preachers, sundry poets, 
and all prosers, scolds, parliamentary orators, superannuated story- 
tellers, she-gossips, morning callers, and some leave-takers, that they 
"do not know when to leave off." It is insinu 
ated as to gowns and coats, of which waiting-men 
and waiting-women have the reversion. 

It is the characteristic of a Change Alley spe- 
culator — of a heaten boxer — of a builder's row, 
with his own name to it — of Hollando-Belgic 
protocols — of German metaphysics — of works in 
numbers — of buyers and sellers on credit — of a 
theatrical cadence — of a shocking bad hat — and 
of the Gentleman's Magazine, that they " do not 
know when to leave off," 

A romp — all Murphy's frosts, showers, storms 
and hurricanes — and the Wandering Jew, are iu 
the same predicament. 

As regards the Assistant Drapers, they appear 
to have anived at a ver'y general conclusion, 
that their proper period for leaving off is at or 
about seven o'clock in the evening ; and it seems 
by the following poetical address that they have rhyme, as well as 
reason, to offer in support of their resolution. 




HOOK AND EYE, 




" LIST, LIST — OH LIST ! " 



THE DEAPERS' PETITIOH". 

Pity the sorrows of a class of men. 

Who, though they bow to fashion and frivolity ; 
No fancied claims or woes fictitious pen. 

But wrongs ell-wide, and of a lasting quality. 



176 THE ASSISTANT DEAPEES' PBTITION. 

Oppress 'd and discontended with our lot, 

Amongst the clamorous we take our station ; 

A host of Eibbon Men — yet is there not 
One piece of Irish in our agitation. 

"We do revere Her Majesty tne Queen ; 

We venerate our Glorious Constitution ; 
We joy King William's advent should have been, 

And only want a Counter Kevolution. 

'Tis not Lord Kussell and his final measure, 

'Tis not Lord Melbourne's counsel to the throne, 

'Tis not this Bill, or that, gives us displeasure, 
The measures we dislike are all our own. 

The Cash Law the " Great Western " loves to name, 
The tone our foreign policy pervading ; 

The Corn Laws — none of these we care to blame, 

Our evils we refer to over-trading. 

By Tax or Tithe our murmurs are not drawn ; 

We reverence the Church — but hang the cloth ! 
We love her ministers — but curse the lawn ! 

We have, alas ! too much to do with both ! 

We love the sex : — to serve them is a bliss ! 

We trust they find us civil, never surly ; 
All that we hope of female friends is this, 

That their last linen may be wanted early. 

Ah ! who can tell the miseries of men 

That serve the very cheapest shops in town ? 

Till faint and weary, they leave off at ten, 
Knock'd up by ladies beating of 'em down ! 

But has not Hamlet his opinion given — 

Hamlet had a heart for Drapers' servants ! 

" That custom is " — say custom after seven — 
" More honour'd in the breach than the observance.' 

come then, gentle ladies, come in time, 

O'erwhelm our counters, and unload our shelves ; 

Torment us all until the seventh chime. 
But let us have the remnant to ourselves ! 

We wish of knowledge to lay in a stock. 

And not remain in ignorance incurable ; — 
To study Shakspeare, Milton, Dryden, Locke,- 
And other fabrics that have proved so durable. 



TH?: ASSISTANT DKAPEBS PETITION, 



177 



We long for thoughts of intellectual kiad, 
And not to go bewilder'd to our beds ; 

With stuff and fustian taking up the mind, 
And pins and needles running in our heads ! 

For oh ! the brain gets very dull and dry, 

Selling from morn till night for cash or credit ; 

Or with a vacant face and vacant eye. 

Watching cheap prints that Knight did never edit. 

Till sick with toil, and lassitude extreme. 

We often think, when we are dull and vapoury, 

The bliss of Paradise was so supreme, 

Because that Adam did not deal in drapery. 




' I'Tte:.: aii'VF- to gay. 



IjECOxr SERIES. 



178 




ALLEOORT.— FORTONE ANP MISFOIITITSE. 



SKETCHES ON THE ROAD. 



THE RAILWAY. 

My acc[uaintance witli railways commenced on tbe Belgian line, at the 
quaint, ancient, and picturesque city of Bruges. The carriages were all 
full, except the one nearest the engine, against which there is some 
prejudice, as being the vehicle that " must bust fust." There was only 
one other passenger, a lady, in the opposite seat ; and, as far as the 
time allowed, we entered into conversation. 

" This is a quick mode of travelling, Madam, compared with the old 
horse-powers." 

" I really wish T could think so. Sir," replied the lady ; " but it is far 
from the saving, either in time or expense, that I was led to anticipate. 
I am going to Ostend, and, according to my own highly-raised expec- 
tations, I ought to have dined there yesterday. What is more pro- 
voking, I brought some cold provision along with me, but it was de- 
posited by mistake amongst the luggage, and I am informed that I 
cannot get at either till the end of my journey." 

There was no time to answer ; Chak ! chak ! chakkery-chit-chittery- 
churr ! talked the engine, increasing in velocity every minute. Houses 
flew past — then cottages and little gardens, with groups of children's 



THE EAILWAY. 1.79 

faces, all looking alike, and all going to cheer, but we left tlie voices 
behind. The pace was certainly good; however, it relaxed after a while 
and at last we stopped. 

" There is a great sameness about this country," I remarked, pointing 
to a stagnant piece of water beside the road, something between a ditch 
and a canal, half water and half bulrushes. On the other side of the 
ditch there was a row of stunted willows, bearing the same proportion to 
trees as Brussels sprouts to cabbages ; beyond, by way of distance, 
stretched a vast dingy flat, with a church steeple on the horizon, a real 
land-mark, no doubt, to the mariner, to inform him that the flat afore- 
said was land and not sea. 

" A great sameness, indeed," said the lady. " Look on either side, 
and you would almost swear you had seen the same dull uninteresting 
level before." 

Chak ! chak ! chakkery-chit-chit churrrr ! Being somewhat hard of 
hearing, the rumble caused by the friction of the wheels and rails, however 
slight, was sufficient to disconcert my organ. The lady's lips kept 
moving, but I could not distinguish a syllable. There was no alter- 
native but to watch the moving diorama that was gliding past the 
window. The' staple article of the view was a mud bank, which seemed 
being reeled ofif like a long broad drab watered ribbon. Now and then 
came a workman, with difficulty distinguished from his barrow^ his red 
nightcap flashing by like a fiery meteor. The willows which bordered 
the road, or marked the boundaries of afield, coalesced into a stream of 
foliage. The peasant, who stood to stare at us, seemed to be enjoying 
a rapid slide in the opposite direction, whilst occasionally a cur would 
dart out of a cottage to bark at the train, and by running parallel with 
us, with all his might, contrived to appear stationary, violently lifting up 
his legs and putting them down again to no purpose. Fresh editions 
of the broad ditches, and the scrubby trees, and the gloomy flats, kept 
whirling past. 

"A great sameness indeed," said the lady, availing herself of a 
temporary halt to resume the subject ; " and as if to render the 
uniformity stUl more intolerable. Art imitating Nature, the inhabitants 
have made duplicates of their principal towns, as like each other as two 
peas — for instance, two Ghents and two Bruges." 

Chak, chak, chakkery, &c. — away we went faster than ever. The 
steam was up. We seemed to have become aware of the earth's motion 
instead of our own. In the meantime I turned over in my mind the 
lady's extraordinary information, which certainly did not agree with any 
I had derived from my Belgian Guide Book. The engine, however, was 
soon eased again, to enable us to get safely over a dangerous bridge. 

" Did I understand you, Madam, to say two Bruges ? " 

" Certainly, Sir, and as like each other as the two Dromios. It seems 
to be characteristic of the people, as well as the carillons, which, by 
the way, I observed at both the Ghents." 

" Both the Ghents, Madam ? " 

" It is a fact, I assure you. Sir. These unimaginative people have 

n2 



180 



SKETCHES ON THE EOAl). 



really two Glients. I do not pretend to much antiquarian or archi- 
tectural knowledge, but the two cities appeared to me to have been 
built about the same age, and in nearly the same style, as if in absurd 
rivalry of each other." 

" But, my dear Madam " 

Chak, chak, chakkery-churr, &c. &c. " The woman's mad," I said to 
myself. Who ever heard of two Ghents — and who the devil could ever 

find a second Bruges ! 
But my meditations were 
here interrupted by the 
caperings of some horses 
at plough, which had 
evidently taken fright, 
and had probably run 
away, though they 
seemed as usual, in spite 
of a violent show of gal- 
loping, to remain in the 
original spot. 

" And if anything,'' 
bawled the lady, so as to 
make herself heard even 
above the murmur of the 
railway, " I like the se- 
cond Bruges best. It 
looked quieter and 
quainter, and more out- 
landish, than the other ; 
and the tower, if any- 
thing, was rather 
higher," 
" Excuse me. Madam, but it really appears to me that you must have 
taken the wrong train, and returned, as our capital criminals are 
sentenced, to the place from whence you came." 

" The wrong train ! " shouted the lady rather indignantly. " Sir, 
that's impossible! Nobody can be so careful as I am, — for I know 
neither French nor Flemish, and accordingly am personally on my 
guard. Instead of sauntering about every place I arrive at, like other 
travellers, I make it a rule to remain invariably on the spot (the station 
I believe it is called), ready to set out with the very next train." 

" But, my dear Madam, the next train " 

" But, my dear Sir — excuse me. If not the very next train, you can 
be at no loss to know when to start. The railway people take care of 
that. For instance, here at the last Bruges, you pay for your ticket to 
Ostend — mark me. Sir, to Ostend — and you are retained in a sitting- 
room, the back door of which is kept looked. When that door is opened 
you are admitted into the station-yard — and you find a train ready to 
start — your own train of course. You get in and " 




'SPEED THE PLOUGH.' 



SECOND NATUEE. 



181 



A loud indescribable screech, called whistling, intended to give 
warning of our approach, here interrupted the argument. We were 
going at a pace which threatened to soon bring us to our destination. In 
fact, I had hardly made up my mind as to the inconveniences of certain 
females travelling alone — the awkwardness of not knowing the current 
language of the country, and the rawness of the arrangements on a new 
line, when we arrived at the station a few hundred yards from Ostend. 
The spires, the lighthouse, and the masts of the shipping, were so 
distinctly visible that I could not anticipate any blunder. I supposed, 
therefore, that the lady might be safely left to her own circumspection, 
and was doubly occupied in the collection of my luggage, and the 
conversation of some friends who had awaited my arrival, — when 
suddenly I heard the voice of my quondam fellow traveller — " Lord ! 
I shall be too late ! " and before I could recover from my astonishment, 
I saw her precipitately jump into a char-d-banc, and whirl off with the 
inland train on a third visit to the quaint, ancient, and picturesque 
city of Bruges ! 




FOUR IN HAKD. 



SECOND NATURE. 



Physical Force, Moral Force, and the Police Force, are all very 
powerful things ; and so is the Force of Habit. It killed a Young 
Gentleman last week at Spring Vale Academy. He was the only boy 
left at school in the holidays ; and the very first walk he took, he split 
himself, poor fellow ! in trying to walk two and two. 



EPIGEAM. 



Aftee such years of dissension and strife, 
Some wonder that Peter should weep for his wife : 
But his tears on her grave are nothing surprising,- 
He's laying her dust, for fear of its rising. 



183 




LAMBTON S MANE. 



ALI BEN NOUS. 



Men aud monkeys are equally prone to imitation; only that the 
Brutes prefer to ape mankind, whereas the human animals delight in 
copying each other. Nor do they always choose the best models, and 
even when they do so, they imitate them so abominably that the worst 
originals would be infinitely better. A pest on all such serviles 1 and 
may they meet with the fate of the followers of Ali Ben Nous ! a 
personage not mentioned by Mr, Lane in his splendid edition of the 
"Arabian Nights," and of which by the way he has made One Thousand 
and Two, by the addition of one Knight as the publisher. 

Ali Ben Nous, according to the Eastern chronicle, was a Philosopher 
of the sect of Diogenes — an old Boy, it will be remembered, who 
lived in a sugar hogshead, without getting any sweeter in his temper. 
The whole ambition of our Cynic was to resemble as little as possible 
the race he despised, and as a matter of course, nothing so aggravated 
his natural spleen as to find himself copied by any human being. 
Nevertheless, such is the apishness of our nature, that in spite of the 
repulsiveness of his doctrine, aud the austerities of his practice, he soon 
found himself getting too popular for his peace. Many old men, and 
even some young ones, affected to call themselves disciples of Nous: one 
copied the uncut of his beard, another the lisp in his speecli, and a 
third the limp in his gait ; till finding his very identity in danger, the 
Cynic, in disgust, determined to travel in search of some happy country, 
where he could keep his originality to himself. To this end, having 
consulted his geographical books, he openly declared his intention of 
setting out for the city of Yad. In vain he was told that he would 
infallibly be devoured by the Great Serpent which notoriously infested 
the country he would have to traverse; he made no answer, except by be- 
stowing an abundance of ironical blessings on his advisers, — but cursing 



All BEN NOUS. 183 

the whole of his fellow citizens inwardly as a parcel of Apes and 
Parodists, — prepared for his departure. His very disciples, however, 
refused to copy him any farther, when they beheld him setting out 
■without any weapon or provision, except a great bottle of oil — by way 
of dressing perhaps, when he came to live upon salad. 

As might be expected, Ali did not escape the standard danger of the 
route. He had scarcely accomplished half the distance to the desired 
city, when all at once he heard a dreadful hissing, of which none but a 
condemned Dramatist can form any conception ; — and lo, from a 
neighbouring thicket there darted an enormous serpent, making as 
straight towards the traveller, as a reptile could, by dint of sinuosities. 
It was an awkward predicament enough: but Nous was not disconcerted. 
Looking out for a tall tree, not encumbered with branches, and finding 
one suited to his purpose, he was soon, — having let his nails grow, till 
they resembled the claws of a cat, — at the very top, where he posted 
himself like a capital prize, or what the French call a Mat de Cocagne. 
But the Mat de Cocagne is well greased ; whereas Ali having no tallow 
about him, was fain to anoint the stem with the contents of his bottle, 
and only in good time, for the snake and the oil arrived together at the 
foot of the tree. And now thoso who have witnessed that amusing 
operation, the climbing up a greasy pole, for a pair of velveteens at the 
top, may form a tolerable notion of the fun. The Snake made many 
trials, but was always oil'd and foil'd. Again and again he wound his 
folds upwards, as if saying to himself, " Now for a good twist ; " but the 
meal was beyond his reach : there is many a slip, says the proverb, 
between the cup and the lip, and so there was between the Serpent and 
the Philosopher, who enjoyed the joke amazingly, and chuckled and 
rubbed his hands with all the glee in the world. At last, finding that 
he took nothing by his motion, the " spirited sly Snake " grew dispirited, 
and made off again hissing louder than ever, as if hissing at himself and 
his own failure. What a pity of pities, muttered Ali, as he descended 
from his perch, that our Mother 
Eve did not climb up the Tree of 
Knowledge with a bottle of palm 
oil ! — with which conceit he merrily 
resumed his journey, and arrived 
without further adventure at the 
city of Yad. 

The sensation his arrival pro- 
duced among the inhabitants was 
intense. Nobody within the me- 
mory of man had made the pas- 
sage. " In the name of all that 
is wonderful, how did you get here ? "the spirited sly snake. 

Why did you venture ? What did 

you see ? Where did you encounter the snake ? How did you 
manage?" — To all of which Nous replied by relating his adventure in 
as few words as possible. 




184 ALI BEN NOUB. 

" Bismalkh lushallah ! Fallallah ! Was such a miracle ever heard 
of ! A mere bottle of oil ! And we who have Magistrates, and Wise 
Men, and Conjurors, and Naturalists, and Zoologists, and Projectors, 
and a Faculty of Doctors, and a Committee of Public Safety, and a 
Society of Snake Charmers— and yet they never thought of a bottle of 
oil ! " And the authorities wished to present the freedom of the city to 
Nous ; but he declined the honour. " I am free of the whole country," 
said he, " whereas you dare not show your noses beyond your walls 
for fear of the snake. Go and present your freedom to him ; for my 
part I am bound to the city of Guz." — "You will at least permit us," 
said the Corporation, "to accompany you in procession to the gates?" 
But Ali watched his opportunity, and departed without any ceremony 
at all . 

In the mean time the Spirit of Imitation, who had a temple within 
the city, began to inspire his votaries. Palm oil and bottles rose fifty 
per cent. ; and before Ali had gone a league he was joined by a dozen 
companions, and not a man of them but was prepared to mount a tree, 
and anoint the stem a-la-Mat-de-Cocagne. So much society was far from 
agreeable to the Cynic ; who consoled himself, however, by sneering in 
his sleeve at their folly, which he foresaw would seat them sooner or 
later on their stool of repentance. And the matter fell out to his most 
cynical wish. They had travelled but about six leagues on their way, 
when a dark speck appeared on the horizon; at first only as big as a fly, 
but progressively increasing in dimensions to a chafer, a wren, a 
sparrow, a hawk, an eagle, and lastly, what indeed it was, a full-grown 
Rok ! 0, ye imitative crew, what a rok to split upon ! For a while he 
hovered dark and vast, like the Cloud of Destiny, over their devoted 
heads : — he had only to stoop and conquer, and he soon stooped with a 
vengeance. In vain the infatuated climbed the nearest trees, and 
emptied their bottles of oil. Souse came the enemy, off went their 
turbans, and out came their brains, such as they were, which the 
winged Heliogabalus devoured as greedily as if they had come out of 
the skulls of peacocks. As for Nous, he had provided himself with a 
huge umbrella, made very stout and stiff, with a long sharp spike at the 
top, under which he took shelter ; and having a good Fence was enabled 
to set the Beak at defiance. In fact, after several attacks, in which the 
bird suffered the most, the Kok gave up the point, and flying away, left 
Ali to pursue his journey. 

As usual, it excited the utmost amazement in the people of Guz when 
the Cynic entered their city ; and they fell one and all into the old 
chorus — "Howafi you get here? Did you see the Eok?" &c. &c. 
Whereupon Nous told his story as briefly as before, saying as little as 
possible, which was nothing at all, about his late associates. " Holy 
Prophet!" cried the people, "and j'et we have Councillors, and Elders, 
and Tacticians, and Ornithologists, and Bird Catchers, and Prognosti- 
cators of Rain, and nobody ever thought of an umbrella ! " And the 
King wished to confer on the long-bearded Stranger the ancient Order 
of the Ass of the First Class ; but Nous declined the distinction, 



ALI BEN NOUS. 



186 



modestly observing that he had done nothing to deserve it. How- 
ever, the Authorities resolved on getting up a Grand Banquet ; but 
it being against etiquette to accept an invitation under a month to 
run, the Philosopher in the mean time got out of patience, and after 
dining by himself at three farthings a-head, set out for the city of 
Jug. 

He had gone but a little way when he turned to look behind him, and 
exactly as he anticipated, he beheld a company of Imitators running 
after him with just as many 
umbrellas. They soon came 
up, and began all at once bawl 
ing into his ears, and display 
ing their contrivances to the 
imminent danger of his eyes 
" Look at this spike," said one, 
" it is three spans in length. ' 
" Feel mine," said another, " it 
is as sharp as a needle." " As 
for mine," said a third, run 
ning it as near as might be 
into All's ear, " it is not only 
sharp, but envenomed to boot." 
"May you kill all the roks be 
tween this and Jug," muttered 
the Cynic, and it was not long 
before the merits of their wea- 
pons were put to the test. 

" Allah preserve us ! " exclaimed Nous, looking anxiously towards the 
East, at which warning the rest of the company precipitately unfurled 
their umbrellas, under which they squatted down, and with closed eyes 
awaited the descent of the rok. In the mean time the peril rapidly 
approached. At first, 
it looked only like a 
pillar of smoke or dust, 
but as it came nearer, 
the column evidently 
had a revolving motion, 
and whirled round with 
it certain dark objects 
like sticks and stones. 
It was indeed a whirl- 
wind of dangerous vio- 
lence, and the spot the 
travellers occupied was 
exactly in the line of its career. But Nous was already prepared. 
He was sitting on a sort of cushion, made of a native wax, so tenacious, 
that the tornado might as well have tried to root up a tree ; all it 
could do, therefore, was to unwind and carry off his turban, which 




TOO POINTED AN APPLICATION. 




NECK OR NOTHINO. 



186 



Alil BEN NOUS. 



happened to have been twisted in the contrary direction. It fayed 
much worse, however, with his comrades— for no sooner did the 
tornado get them within its vortex, than up they went with their 
umbrellas, as fast as aeronauts come down with their parachutes. An 
amusing spectacle, you maybe sure, to the Cynic, who watchedthem 
corkscrewing spirally up to the clouds, never to come down again till 

there was a shower of ninnies, lor 
his own part, he suffered no other loss 
than his turban, and his trousers, 
which he was obliged to leave sticking 
to the cushion, — but having a pair in 
reserve, he speedily made his toilet 
and proceeded to his destination. 

The city of Jug, like the others, was 
thrown into commotion by his arrival ; 
— and with the same reservation as to 
his comrades, he again told his story, 
which was received by the inhabitants 
with the usual comments. "We that 
have a May'r and a Corporation, and 
learned Bodies, and Scientifics, and a 
Company of Wax Chandlers, and Me- 
chanics' Institutions, and Utilitarians, 
and nobody ever hit upon the waxen 
cushion ! " And twelve waxen cushions 
were ordered that very morning. And 
the King wished to create Ali a Grand 
FANCY poETEAiT.— PROFESSOR siLLiMAs. GoosB, wlilch would entitle him to 

stand at Court upon one leg ; but the 
Cynic declared very humbly that his low birth entitled him only to stand 
upon two — and moreover, that he had to walk all the way to the city 
of Buz. Whereupon, his Majesty being displeased, the stranger was 
ordered to quit the place in an hour — but which he did with ease, thirty 
minutes under the time. 

" It is very hard," said Ali, " that a man cannot enjoy his own ways 
and his own thoughts, without a parcel of silly Jugites dogging his 
heels," — and lo ! as he said, a dozen of the town's-people came running 
after him shouting with all their might. Then there was the old 
plague to endure with their life-preservers. — " Look at my cushion," 
said one. " Try mine,'' said a second, " it hath two parts wax and one 
of pitch," &c., &c. "May you stick lo them to all eternity," grumbled 
Ali, mending his pace almost to a run, yet without shaking off his 
tormentors. But the time came at last to part company ; for arriving 
just at the skirts of a forest, they suddenly heard a noise that was too 
loud to be taken for the murmuring of the wind. " Allah Kerim ! " 
ejaculated Nous. Down plumped Ins companions on their cushions, 
and in a minute were as fast to the earth as if they had grown from it ; 
having taken especial care to strap, tie, and buclde their trousers so 




ALI BEN NOTJS. 



187 



securely that no tornado that ever waltzed could pluck them out of 
them. In which posture, conceive them sitting and smirking with all 
the complacency of self-conceit, when suddenly, with frightful roar, 
there issued forth the most terrible big Bear that was ever cubbed, to 
the infinite dismay of the seated members, who would willingly have 
accepted any equivalent to the Chiltern Hundreds. Never was there a 
set of simpletons so sold and pounded by their own act and deed! 
There they were — all waxed by their wax ends — with their last before 
their eyes in the shape of raging Bruin, for whom, by their own con- 
trivance, they were compelled to sit as passively as if he had only been 
going to paint their portraits. One or two, indeed, endeavoured to 
escape when it was too late, but before they could get .rid of their 
trammels the Bear came bearing down upon them, and killed them on 
the spot. During this massacre, Ali had gained a considerable start, 
yet not so far but that the beast at length overtook him and put him to 
his last shift. This was a small fiddle or kit, upon which he no sooner 
began to play than the Bear, rising uncouthly on his hind legs, began 
to cut capers to the great delight of the Cynic, to whom it was precisely 
the reverse of the Dance of Death. The faster one played the faster 
the other jigged — the musician purposely getting from presto to 
prestissimo, till the fascinated brute began to pant and puff, and 
besought the performer, with the most plaintive moans and imploring 
glances, and supplicatory gestures, to desist. But Ali knew better, and 
only plied the bow more rapidly, till after a waltz the eye could scarcely 
follow, the Bear reeled off 
in an involuntary pirouette 
and fell dead-beaten on his 
face. " Heaven reward the 
man," exclaimed Ali, as he 
gazed on his prostrate ene- 
my, " Heaven reward the 
man who first hit upon the 
very original notion of saw- 
ing the inside of a cat with 
the tail of a horse ! " and 
without further obstacle he 
arrived at the city of Buz. 

And now, quoth the 
Chronicler, it would be 
tedious to pursue indivi- 
dually the fortunes of the imitators of Ali Ben Nous ; for instance, how 
foolishly the travellers from Buz essayed with their kits and fiddles 
to provoke to a hornpipe the great crocodile of the Lake of Jad. 
SufBce it, they perished miserably one and all. As for the Cynic, he 
discovered that wherever he came he was as far as before from the 
haven he sought. However fantastically extravagant and repulsively 
absurd the doctrines and habits he wilfully professed and practised, he 
invariably found himself more or less at the head of a sect. At 




THE Ain ADAPTED TO THE VIOLIN. 



188 



ALT BEN NOUS. 



length, a pseudo Cynic appeared, who, by help of nature and art, so 
closely personated the original, as to acquire the surname of the 
Double. This, to All, was the drop that overbrimmed his cup : and 
in a paroxysm of spleen including himself in his 
anathema against mankind in general, he resolved to 
perish by his own hand. To this end, and a bad end 
it was, he repaired to a certain solitary spot, on the 
verge of a wood with a large phial, or rather family 
bottle, of mortal poison in his pocket. " Now then," 
exclaimed Ali, taking off half the fatal liquid at a 
gulp — " now then for an act at last in which I shall 
not be copied," — when suddenly an Orang Outang, 
who had been watching the operation from a neigh- 
bouring tree, sprang down to the ground, snatched up 
the bottle, and before Nous could interfere, dranlc off 
the remainder of the poison. This untoward event, 
and the scene of mockery that ensued, seemed to 
pang the dying Cynic even more than the draught 
he had swallowed. " Alas ! " he cried, already writh- 
ing under the effects of the potion, " alas, it is in vain 
to struggle with fate ! I fled from my own species to avoid their 
imitation — and lo ! yonder sits a brute beast poisoned out of the same 
bottle, suffering the same pains, making the same grimaces, no doubt, 
and the same contortions, and even composing himself — confound the 
son of a Monkey ! — to die in the same attitude." 




BLACK DOSE. 




OFF BV MUTUAL CONSENT. 



189 




* ' DOES TOUn FATHER KNOW TOU'RE IN ? " 



THE NEW LODGER. 



Poor Miss Hopldnson ! She had been ill for a fortnight, of a 
disorder which especially affected the nerves ; and quiet, as Dr. 
Boreham declared, was indispensably necessary for her recovery. So 
the servants wore list shoes, and the knocker was tied up, and the street 
in front of number four was covered with straw. 

In the mean while, the invalid derived great comfort from the 
unremitting attentions of her friends and acquaintance ; but she was 
particularly gratified by the constant kind inquiries of Mr. Tweedy, the 
new lodger, who occupied the apartments immediately over her head. 

" If you please, ma'am," said Mary, for the hundredth time, " it's 
Mr. Tweedy's compliments, and begs to know if you feel any better ? " 

" I am infinitely obliged to Mr. Tweedy, I'm sure," whispered the 
sufferer, — "I am a leetle easier — with my best thanks and 
compliments." 

Now, Miss Hopkinson was a spinster lady of a certain age, and she 
was not a little flattered by the uncommon interest the gentleman above 
stairs seemed to take in her state of health. She could not help 
recollecting that the new lodger and a very smart new cap had entered 
the house on the same day. — She had fortunately worn the novel 
article on her accidental encounter with the stranger; and, as she used 
to say, a great deal depended on first impressions. 

" What a very nice gentleman ! " remarked the nurse, as Mary closed 
the bed-room door. 

" What an uncommon nice man ! " cried Miss Filby, an old familiar 



190 THE NEW LODGBB. 

gossip, wlio had come to cheer up tlie invalid with all the scandal of the 
neighbourhood. 

" And he will send, ma'am," said the nurse to the visitor, " to ask 
after us a matter of five or six times in a day." 

" It is really extraordinary," said Miss Filby, "and especially in quite 
a stranger ! " 

"No, not quite," whispered the invalid. "I met him twice upon the 
stairs." 

" Indeed !" said Miss Filby. "It's like a little romance. Who 
knows what may come of it ? I have known as sudden things come to 
pass before now ! " 

" There is summut in it smeltj," said the nurse ; " I only wish, 
ma'am, you could hear how warm and pressing he is in asking after her, 
whoever comes in his way. There was this morning, on the landing — 
' Nurse,' says he, quite earnest-like, — ' nurse, do tell me how she is.' 
'Why then, sir,' says I, ' she is as well as can be expected.' ' Ah! ' 
said he, ' that's the old answer, but it won't satisfy me. Is she better 
or worse?' 'Well then, sir,' says I, ' she's much the same.' 'Ah,' 
says he, fetching sioh a long-winded sigh, ' there's where it is. She 
may linger in that way for months.' ' Let's hope not,' says I. ' You'll 
be pleased to hear as how she's going to try to eat a bit o' chicking.' 
' Chicking ! ' says he, saving your presence, ma'am, — 'chicking be 

d d to you know where — it's her nerves, nurse, her nerves ; how 

are her nerves ? ' ' To be sure, sir,' says I, ' them's her weak pints, 
but Dr. Boreham do say, provided they're kept quiet, and not played 
upon, they'll come round agin in time.' 'Yes,' says he, ' in time, that's 
the divil on it ; ' and you can't think how feeling he said it. — ' What a 
weary time,' says he, ' she have been ! ' " 

"Well, upon my word! " exclaimed Miss Filby, "these are very like 
love symptoms indeed! However, I'm not jealous, my dear," — and 
she shook her head waggishly at the invalid, who replied with a faint 
smile, that she was a giddy creature, and quite forgot the weak state of 
her nerves. " But, to be sure, it is odd," said Miss Hopkinson to her- 
self, " and particularly in the present age, when polite gallantry to 
females is so much gone out of fashion," She then fell into a reverie, 
which her friend interpreted into an inclination to doze, and accordingly 
took her leave with a promise of returning in the evening. 

No sooner was her back turned, however, than the invalid called the 
nurse to her, and after giving sundry directions as to costume, 
intimated that she had an intention of trying to sit up a bit. So she 
was dressed and washed and bolstered up in a chair, and having put on 
a clean cap, she inquired of her attendant, rather anxiously, if she was 
not dreadfully altered and pulled down, and how she looked. To which 
the nurse answered, that " except looking a little delicate, she was 
really charming." 

In the evening the doctor repeated his visit, and so did Miss Filby, 
who could not help rallying the invalid on the sudden recovery of her 
complexion. 



THE NEW LODGEE, 



191 



" It's only hectic,'' said Miss Hopkinson, " the exertion of dressing 
has given me a colour." 

" And somebody else will have a colour too," said the nurse, winlung 
at Miss Filby, " when I tell him how very much some folks are 
improved." 

" By-the-bye," said Dr. Boreham, " it's only fair that people should 
know their well-wishers : and I ought to tell you, therefore, that the 
gentleman overhead is very friendly and frequent in his inquiries. We 




LOPGE S POEraAITS, 



generally meet on the stairs, and I assure you he expresses very great 
solicitude — very much so indeed ! " 

Miss Hopkinson gave a short husky cough, and the nurse and Miss 
Filby nodded significantly at each other. 

" Ho ! ho ! the wind sits in that quarter, does it ? " said the doctor. 
" I may expect, then, to have another patient. ' He grew sick as she 
grew well,' as _the old song says," and chuckling at the aptness of his 
own quotation, the facetious mediciner took his leave. 

" There he is again, I declare," exclaimed the nurse, who had 
listened as she closed the door. " He has cotched the doctor on the 
stairs, and I'll warrant he'll have the whole particulars before he let's 
him go." 

" Very devoted, indeed ! " said Miss Filby. " We must make 
haste, and get you about again, my dear, for his poor sake as well as 
your own." 

At this juncture Mrs. Huckins, the landlady, entered the room to 
ask after her lodger, and was not a little bewildered by a cross-fire of 
inuendoes from the nurse and the visitor. The strange behaviour of 



193 



THE NEW LODOEE, 



the sick lady herself helped besides to disconcert the worthy woman, 
across whose mind a suspicion glanced that the nasty laudanum, or 
something, had made the patient a little off her head. However, Mrs. 
Huckins got through her compliments and her curtseys, and would 
finally perhaps have tittered too, but that her attention was suddenly 
diverted by that most awful o-f intrusions, a troublesome child in a sick 
room. 

"Why, Billy, you little plague — why, Billy, what do you do in 
here ? Where have you come from, sir ? — I've been looking for you 
this half hour." 

" I've been up with Mr. Tweedy, the new lodger," said Billy, 
standing very erect, and speaking rather proudly. " We've been 
a-playing the flute." 

" 'The WHAT ! " cried all the female voices in a breath. 

" A-playing the flute," repeated the undaunted Billy. " Mr. Tweedy 
only whispers a toon into it now, but he says he'll play out loud as soon 
as ever the old " — here Billy looked at the invalid, and then at his 
mother — " he says he'll play out loud as soon as ever Miss Hopkinson 
is well, or else dead ! " 



" Pray how did j'ou leave Miss Hopkinson, ma'am ? " inquired Mr. 
Tweedy, about an hour afterwards, of a female whom he met at the foot 
of the stairs. 

" Miss Hopkinson, sir ! — oh, you horrid wicked wretch ! you 
unfeeling monster ! " — and totally forgetting the weak nerves of lier 
friend, the indignant Miss Filby rushed past the New Lodger, darted 
along the passage, let herself out, and slammed the street-door behind 
her with a bang, that shook Miss Hopkinson in her chair. 




BOARDED, LODGED, AND DONE FOB. 



193 




0VI:RTAKER AXD UNDEKTAKrE. 

POMPEY'S GHOST. 

A TATHETIC BALLAD. 



" Skins may differ, but affection 
Dwells in white and black the same." — Cowpkk. 



'TwAS twelve o'clock, not twelve at niglit, 

But twelve o'clock at noon. 
Because the sun was shining bright, 

And not the silver moon : 
A proper time for friends to call, 

Or Pots, or Penny Post ; 
When, lo ! as Phcehe sat at work. 

She saw her Pompey's Ghost ! 

Now when a female has a call 

From people that are dead, 
Like Paris ladies, she receives 

Her visitors iu bed : 
But Pompey's Spirit could not come 

Like spirits that are white. 
Because he was a Blackamoor, 

And wouldn't show at night ! 

But of all unexpected things 

That happen to us here. 
The most unpleasant is a rise 
In what is very dear : 

SEOOMD SERIES. 



194 POMPEYS GHOST. 

So Phoebe scream'd an awful scream, 
To prove the seaman's text, 

That after black appearances, 
White squalls will follow next. 

" Oh, Phcebe dear ! oh, Phoebe dear ! 

Don't go to scream or faint ; 
You think because I'm black I am 

The Devil, but I ain't ! 
Behind the heels of Lady Lambe 

I walk'd whilst I had breath ; 
But that is past, and I am now 

A- walking after Death ! 

' No murder, though, I come to tell, 

By base and bloody crime ; 
So, Phoebe dear, put off your fits 

Till some more fitting time ; 
No Crowner, like a boatswain's mate, 

My body need attack. 
With his round dozen to find out 

Why I have died so black. 

" One Sunday, shortly after tea. 

My skin began to burn. 
As if I had in my inside 

A heater, like the urn. 
Delirious in the night I grew. 

And as I lay in bed. 
They say I gathor'd all the wool 

You see upon my head. 

" His Lordship for his doctor sent, 

My treatment to begin — 
I wish that he bad call'd him out. 

Before he call'd him in ! 
For though to physic he was bred. 

And pass'd at Surgeons' Hall, 
To make his post a sinecure 

He never cured at all ! 

" The doctor look'd about my breast. 

And then about my back, 
And then he shook his head and said. 

' Your case looks very black.' 
And first he sent me hot cayenne. 

And then gamboge to swallow, — 
But still my fever would not turn 

To Scarlet or to Yellow ! 



POMPEYS GHOST, 

' With madder and mth turmeric 

He made his next attacli ; 
But neither he nor all his drugs 

Could stop my dying black. 
At last I got so sick of life. 
And sick of being dosed, 
One Monday morning I gave up 
My physic and the ghost ! 



195 




A HIGH FEVER. 



' Ob, Phcebe dear, what pain it was 

To sever every tie ! 
You know black beetles feel as much 

As giants when they die — 
And if there is a bridal bed, 

Or bride of little worth, 
It's lying in a bed of mould, 

Along with Mother Earth. 



' Alas ! some happy, happy day 

In church I hoped to stand, 
And like a muff of sable skin 

Eeceive your lily hand ; 
But sternly with that piebald match 

My fate untimely clashes — 
For now, like Pompe-double-i, 

I'm sleeping in my ashes ! 



o2 



196 



POMPEYS GHOST. 



" And now farewell ! — a last farewell ! 

I'm wanted down below, 
And have but time enough to add 

One word before I go, — 
In mourning crape and bombazine 

Ne'er spend your precious pelf — 
Don't go in black for me, — for I 

Can do it for myself. 

" Henceforth within my grave I rest. 

But Death who there inherits, 
Allow'd my spirit leave to come, 

You seem'd so out of spirits ; 
But do not sigh, and do not cry. 

By grief too much engross 'd — 
Nor, for a ghost of colour, turn 

The colour of a ghost ! 

Again farewell, my Phoebe dear ! 

Once more a last adieu ! 
For I must make myself as scarce 

As swans of sable hue." 
From black to grey, from grey to nought. 

The Shape began to fade, — 
And, like an egg, though not so white. 

The Ghost was newly laid ! 




IN BLACK FOR A FRIEND. 



197 




TRAVELS IN CHINA. 



THE WAR WITH CHINA. 



"Mistress of herself, tho' Clraia fall. "-—Pope. 



" I can't understand it," said my Uncle, tbrowing down on the table 
the pamphlet he had been reading, and looking up over the fireplace, 
at the great picture of Canton, painted by his elder brother, wheu he 
was mate of an East Indiaman. My Aunt was seated beside my 
Uncle, with her cotton-box, playing at working ; and Cousin Tom was 
working at playing, in a corner. As for my father and myself, we had 
dropped in as usual after a walk, to take our tea, which through an old 
connexion with Cathay, was certain to be first-rate at the cottage. 
" Why on earth," continued my Uncle, — " why on earth we should go 
to war about the Opium business quite passes my comprehension." 

'• And mine too," chimed in my Aunt, whose bent it was to put in a 
word, and put out an argument, as often as she had an opportunity ; 
" I always thought opium was a lulling, soothing sort of thing, more 
likely to compose people's passions than to stir them up." 

My Uncle looked at the speaker with much the same expression as 
that of the great girl in Wilkie's picture, who is at once frowning and 
smiling at the boy's grotesque mockery of the Blind Fiddler — for my 
Aunt's allusion to the sedative qualities of opium was amusing in itself, 
but provoking, as interrupting the discourse. 

" The Sulphur question," she continued, " is quite a different thing. 
That's all about brimstone and combustibles ; and it would only be of 
a piece if we were to send our men-of-war, and frigates, and fireships, 
to bombard Mount Vesuvius." 

" I should like to see it," said my Father, in his quietest tone, and 
with his gravest face, for he was laughing inwardly at the proposed 
Grand Display of Pyrotechnics ! 



IQg THE WAB WITH CHINA. 

" To go tack." resumed my Uncle, " to the very beginning of the 
business ; first, we Lave Captain Elliot, who wishes to give the Chinese 
admiral a chop " 

" And a very civil thing of him, too," remarked my Aunt. 

" Eh ! — what ? " exploded my Uncle, as snappishly as a Waterloo 
cracker. 

" To be sure," said my Aunt, in a deprecating tone, " it might be a 
Friday, and a fast day, as to meat " 

"As to what?" 

"As to meat," repeated my Aunt, resolutely, " I have always under- 
stood that the Catholic priests and the Jesuits were the first to go 
converting the Chinese." 

" Phoo ! nonsense ! " ejaculated my Uncle. " A chop is a document." 

" Well, it's not my fault," retorted my Aunt, " if things abroad are 
called by their wrong names. What is a chop, then, in Chinese — I 
mean a pork or mutton one — is it called a document ? " 

My Uncle gave a look upwards, worthy of Job himself. He was 
sorely tempted — but he translated the rising English oath into a French 
shrug and grimace. My Father tried to mend matters as usual. 
" After all, brother," he said, " my sister's mistake was natural and 
womanly — especially in a mistress of a house, who has to think occa- 
sionally of chops and steaks. Besides, she has had greater blunderers 
to keep her in countenance — you remember the needless resentment 
there was about the ' Barbarian Eye.' " 

" To be sure he does," said my Aunt ; " and why should I be 
expected to know Chinese any more than Lord Melbourne, or Lord 
Palmerston, or Lord-Knows- Who, — especially when it's such a difficult 
language besides, and a single letter stands for a whole chapter, like 
the Egyptian hieroglyphics ? " 

"But what says the pamphleteer?" said my Father, deliberately 
putting on his spectacles, and taking up the brochure from the table. 

" Why, he says," replied my Uncle, " that opium is a baneful drug, 
that it produces the most demoralising effects on the consumers ; and 
that we have no right to go to war to force a noxious article down the 
throats of our fellow-creatures." 

" No, nor a wholesome one, neither," returned my Father, "as the 
judge said to the woman when she killed her child for not taking its 
physic. But what have we here — a return of our exports to the 
Celestial Empire ? " 

" The author means to imply," said my Uncle, " that if the Chinese 
did not chew and smoke so much opium, they would have more money 
to lay out on our Birmingham and Manchester manufactures." 

" Pretty nonsense, indeed ! " exclaimed my Aunt. " As if the 
Chinese could smoke printed cottons and calicoes, and chew Brummageu 
hardware and cutlery, like the ostriches ! " 

" I believe it is but a Brummagem argument after all," said my 
Father, " a mercantile interest plated over with morality. It's tho 
old story in the spelling-book— ' There's nothing like leather.' The 



THE WAR 'WITH CHINA. 



199 



pamphleteer and Commissioner Lin are both of a mind in condemning 
a drug in which they are not druggists ; but how comes it that tlie 
deleterious, demoralising effects of the article are found out only in 
1840 ? — The opium trade with China is of long standing — it is as 
old as " 

" Eobinson Crusoe,'' cried a small voice from the comer of the room, 
where Cousin Tom had been listening to the discourse and making a 
paper-kite at the same time. 

"Robinson Fiddlesticks!" cried my Aunt: "boys oughtn't to talk 
about politics. What in the world has opium-chewing to do with a 
desert island ? " 

" He had a whole cargo of it," muttered Tom, " when he went on 
his voyage to China." 

"The lad's right," said my Father. "Go, Tom, and fetch the 
book," — and Defoe's novel was produced in a twinkling. " The lad's 
right," repeated my Fa- 
ther, reading aloud from 
the book, — " here's tho 
very passage. ' From 
Sumatra,' says Crusoe, 
' we went to Siam, where 
we e.Kchanged some of 
our wares for opium and 
some arrack — the first a 
commodity which bears a 
great price amongst the 
Chinese, and which at 
that time was much 
wanted there.'" 

" That's to the point, 
at any rate," said my 
Uncle, with a nod of 
approbation to the boy. 

But my Aunt did not so much relish Tom's victory, and on some liouse- 
hold pretence took herself out of the room. 

"It is a sad job this war, and I am sorry for it," said my Father, 
with a serious shake of his head. " I have always had a sneaking 
kindness for the Chinese, as an intelligent and ingenious people. We 
have outrun them now in the race of civilisation ; but, no doubt, thei'e 
was a time when comparatively they were refined, and we were the 
barbarians." 

" It is impossible to doubt it," said my Uncle, with great animation. 
" To say nothing of their invention of gunpowder, and their discovery 
of the mariner's compass, look at their earthenware. For my own 
part, I am particularly fond of old china. It is, I may say, quite a 
passion — inherited perhaps from my grandmother, with several closets 
full of the antique Oriental porcelain. She used to say it was a genteel 
taste." 




COCHIN CniNESE, 



soo 



THE WAR WlTn: CHINA. 




A TEE-TOTALLER. 



"And she had Horace Walpole," said my Father, "to back her 

°^'" To be sure she had," replied my Uncle, eagerly ; " and the Chinese 
must be a genteel people. It is sufficient to look at their elegant tea- 
services, to convince one that they are not made any more than their 

vessels of the commoner earth. You feel at once " 

" That Slang Whang is a gentleman," said my Father, " and Nan 
King a lady, in spite of their names." 

My Uncle paid no attention to the joke, but went on in a strain to 
have delighted Father Mathew. " To look at a Chinese service," he 

said, " is enough of it- 
self to make one a tee- 
totaller. It inspires one 
— at least it does me — 
with the Exquisite's 
horror of malt liquor 
and such gross bever- 
ages. Indeed, to com- 
pare our drinking-ves- 
sels with the Chinese, 
they are like horse- 
buckets to bird-glasses ; 
and, remembering their 
huge flagons, and black- 
jacks and wassail-bowls, our Gothic and Saxon ancestors must have been 
a little coarse, not to say hoggish, in their draughts." 
" They must, indeed," said my Father. 

" Now here is a delicate drinking-vessel," continued my Uncle, 
taking up from a side-table a cup hardly large enough for a fairy to get 
mto. " What sort of liquor ought one to expect from such a pretty 
little chalice ? " 

"At a guess," replied my Father, very gravely, "nothing coarser 
than mountain-dew." 

" Yes," said my Uncle, with enthusiasm ; " to drink out of such a 
diminutive calyx, all enamelled with blossoms, is indeed like to the 
poetical fancy of sipping dew out of a flower ! And then the Sylph to 

whom only such a cup could belong ! " 

" She must have had thinner lips than a Negro," said my Father. 
" And what a ladylike hand ! " exclaimed my Uncle ; " for such a 
Lilliputian utensil would escape from any but the most feminine 
fingers." 

" Her hand must be like her foot," said my Father, " which is never 
bigger than a child's." 

" And here, again, we have a proof of refinement," said my Uncle. 
" Walking is generally considered in Europe as a vulgar and common 
exercise for a lady, and it shows the extreme delicacy of the well-bred 
Cliinese female, that as far as possible she makes a conventional 
impropriety a physical impossibility." 



THE WAB WITH CHINA. 201 

" And it is somewhat remarkable," sail my Father, " that the 
Chinese gentlemen have an appendage, formerly indispensable with 
the politest nation in the world in its politest time — the pigtail." 

" Exactly," said my Uncle, " But here is the lady," and he took up 
another of his grandmother's brittle legacies, " on a plate that ought to 
be a plate to Moore's ' Paradise and the Peri.' Just hold it up towards 
the window, and observe its transparency, softening down the sunshine, 
you observe, to a sort of moonlight." 

" Very transparent, indeed," said my Father. " And yonder is Nan 
King herself, fetching a walk by that blue river." 

" Yes, bluer than the Rhine," said my Uncle, " though it has not 
been put into poetry. And look at the birds, and fruits, and flowers ! 
And then that pretty rural temple ! " 

" Is it on the earth or in the sky ? " asked my Father. 

" Whichever you please," said my Uncle : '' and the garden is all the 
more Edenlike for that ingenious equivocation. There is no horizon, 
you observe, but a sort of blending, as we may suppose there was in 
Paradise, of earth and heaven." 

" Very poetical, indeed," said my Father. " And those curly-tailed 
swallows, and those crooked gudgeons may be flying or swimming at 
the option of the spectator." 

" Exactly so," said my Uncle ; " and there you have the superior 
fancy of the Chinese. A Staffordshire potter would leave nothing to 
the imagination. He would never dream of building a castle in the air, 
or throwing a bridge over nothing." 

" He would not indeed," said my Father, " even if he could get an 
act of parliament for it." 

" Not he," cried my Uncle. " All must be fact with him — no fiction. 
But it is otherwise with the Chinese. They have been called servile 
and literal copyists — but, on the contrary, they have more boldness and 
originality than all our Royal Academy put together. For instance, 
here is a road, the farther end of which is lost in that white blank, 
which may or may not stand for the atmosphere " 

"And yet," said my Father, " that little man in petticoats is walldng 
up it as if he had an errand at the other end." 

" For aught we know," said my Uncle, " it may be an allegory — and 
I have often fancied that the paintings on their vessels were scenes 
from their tales or poems. In the meantime we may gather some hints 
of the character of the people from their porcelain, — that they are 
literary and musical, and from the frequent occurrence of figures of 
children, that they are of affectionate and domestic habits. And, above 
all, that they are eminently un warlike, and inclined only to peaceful 
and pastoral pursuits. I do not recollect ever seeing an armed figure, 
weapons, or any allusions to war, and its attributes, in any of their 
enamels.'' 

" So much the worse for them," said my Father; " for they are 
threatened with something more than a tempest in a teapot. It will 
be like the china vessel in the old fable, coming in contact with the 



203 



THE WAB WITH CHINA. 



brazen one. There will be a fine smash, brother, of your favourite 
ware ! " 

"A smash! where?" inquired my Aunt, who had just entered the 
room, and imperfectly overheard the last sentence. " What are you 
talking of?" 

" Of a Bull in a China Shop," said my Father, with a hard wink at 
my Uncle. 

" Yes, that's a dreadful smash, sure enough," said my Aunt. " There 
was Mrs. Starkey, who keeps the great Staffordshire warehouse at 

Smith field Bars — she 
had an overdriven beast 
run into her shop only 
last week. At first, she 
says, he was quiet 
enough, for besides rac- 
ing up and down St. 
John Street, he had been 
bullock-hunted all over 
Islington and Hoxton 
fields, and that had 
taken the wildness out 
of bim. So at first he 
only stood staring at the 
jugs, and mugs, and 
things, as if admiring 
the patterns." 

" And pray," inquired 
my Uncle, " where was 
Mrs. Starkey in the 
meantime? " 

" Why, the shopman, 
you see, had crept under 
the counter for safety, 
and Mrs. Starkey was in 
the back-parlour, and saw everything by peeping through a crack of the 
green curtain over the glass-door. So the mad Bull stood staring at 
the crockery, quiet enough ; when, unluckily, with a swish of bis tail, 
he brought down on his back a whole row of pipkins that hung over 
head. I suppose he remembered being pelted about the streets ; for 
the clatter of the earthenware about his ears seemed to put him up 
afresh, for he gave a stamp and a bellow that made the whole shop 
shake again, and down rattled a great jug on his hind quarters Well, 
round turns the Bull, quite savage, with another loud bellow, as much 
as to say, ' 1 should like to know who did that ? ' when what should he 
see by bad luck but a china figure of a Mandarin, as big as our Tom 
there, a-grinning and nodding at him with its head." 

" Commissioner Lin," said my Father, with a significant nod at my 
Uncle. 




A RUa CUSTOUBE. 



THE WAE WITH CHINA, 



203 



•' Mrs. Starkey thinks," continued my Aunt, " that the mad Bull 
took the china figure for a human creature, and particularly as its 
motions made it look so lifelike, — however, the more the Bull stamped 
and bellowed, the more the Mandarin grinned and nodded his head, till 
at long and at last, the Bull got so aggravated, that sticking his tail 
upright, Mrs. Starkey says, as stiff as the kitchen poker, he made but 
one rush at the china Mandarin, and smashed him all into shivers.'' 

" And there you have the whole history," said my Father, with 
another nod to my Uncle, " of a War with China." 



V ^^ 




A RAVENOUS APPETITE. 



A POPULAR FALLACY 



" When you are eating, leave off hungry." 



Do no such thing. Supposing your Appetite to be honest and hearty 
— no pampered craving for delicacies, but a natural demand for whole- 
some food — why then, no shabby instalments, no ounce-in-the-pound 
compositions with Hunger. Pay in full. The claim of the stomach is 
a just one ; and let it be handsomely satisfied. The constitution, 
physical or moral, must be peculiar that can derive either comfort or 
benefit from perpetual dunning. 

Leave off hungry! — Pshaw! — as well say, when you are washing 
yourself, leave oflf dirty. There is only one reasonable reason that can 
be urged in favour of thus bringing a Meal to an " untimely end " — 
namely, that you cannot get enough to eat. In such a case Necessity 
makes the rule absolute, and you may leave off as hungry as a hunter, 
who has not caught his hare. But with the whole joint before you, eat 
your fill. As for the rule, there is only one maxim of the kind that is 
worth any thing — viz. when you are dying, leave off aliv&. 



204 




& SPARE BED ON THE EUIXE. 



"UP THE RHINE." 



Why, Tourist, why 

With Passports have to do ? 
Pr'ythee stay at home and pass 

The Port and Sherry too. 

Why, Tourist, why 

Embark for Eotterdam ? 

Pr'ythee stay at home and talie 
Thy Hollands in a dram. 

Why, Tourist, why 

To foreign climes repair ? 
Pr'ythee take thy German Flute, 

And breathe a German air. 

Why, Tourist, why 

The Seven Mountains view '? 
Any one at home can tint 

A hill with Prussian Blue. 

Why, Tourist, why 

To old Colonia's walls ? 

Sure, to see a Wrenish Dome, 
One needn't leave St. Paul's. 



A BULL. 906 

NOT IN "BOZ." 



"I'll tell you what it is," said Mr. Weller to Mr. Hatband; " there's 
no doubt in the world that the Kailways will prove very injurious to 
Coaches, and Coachmen, and to Horses in partickler, by throwing so 
many hanimals out o' work, and by consekens out o' bread, or at least 
boats. But that's nothing to the ruination that will be inflicted on 
Gen'l'men in your own line — namely, the Undertakers. And for this 
reason, that the more the popperlation is brought to untimely ends by 
them destructive engines, the less demand there will be for shells or 
Qoffins. For, you see, between their Up and Down Trains, and their 
wiolent collusions agin each other, the poor relicts of mortality will be 
smashed to sich a flat compass, that there will be no berrying on 'em, 
except in portfolios." 



A BULL. 



One day, no matter where or when, 
Except 'twas after some Hibernian revel. 
For why ? an Irishman is ready then 

"To play the Devil"— 
A Pat, whose surname has escaped the Bards, 
Agreed to play with Nick a game at cards. 

The stake, the same that the old Source of Sin 
From German Faustus and his German Cousins 

Had won by dozens ; 
The only one, in fact, he cares a pin 

To win. 

By luck or roguery of course Old Nick 

Won ev'ry trick : 
The score was full, the last turn-up had done it-r 

" Your soul — I've won it ! " 

" It's true for you, I've lost that same," 
Said Pat a little hazy in his wits — 
" My soul is yours — but come, another game — 
Double, or quits ! " 



206 




01 EN TO OBJECTION. 



SPECULATIONS OF A NATUEALIST. 



" Can an oyster tliink ? ' 



Of all things living — if it can be called living, never to see life, — 
there is none so inanimate as an Oyster. Confined to its native spot, — 
literally bedridden, and knowing no change, but the opening and 
shutting of its chamber-door — a fixture in its own house — always at 
home, like the grate — no squatter, but a decided settler, — it is, as the 
Americans say, in an " eternal fix." 

It was once thought impossible that a horse could come to be shaved, 
which however has since happened ; but a similar prediction may safely 
be made concerning an oyster. The barber must come to the beard, or 
the oyster must live everlastingly unshorn like the Wandering Jew, but 
without his wandering. It can no more leave its shell than a corpse its 
coffin. All the divisions of New Police, with, all their Sergeants and 
Superintendants, might order it in vain to move on — it is "no(,o" 
personified. 

Prima facie it seems impossible that such a squab should cogitate. 
In spite of Spurzheim, who affirms that the substance of the human 
brain resembles that of an oyster, it is difficult to believe that there is 
any intellectual faculty in such a lump of animal blanc-mange — that it 
ever even thinks of thinking. Is it so much as aware metaphysically of 



A EEFLBCTION. 307 

its own existence — Cogito, ergo sum ? Can it entertain an idea, 
natural or acquired — ^by intuition, which is a sort " of private tuition," — 
or otherwise ? Has it any little notions — except material ones — of any- 
thing at all from the cosmogony of the world downwards? Can it 
meditate — put this and that together — reflect — or perform any mental 
act whatever? Does it ever theorise — ^for example, as to the tides! 
Or ever draw an inference, — e. g. that a cathedral-stall must be better 
than a stall in the street ? Can it draw a comparison — as between 
itself and a rolling-stone ? Or form a notion of motion ? Or of a 
locomotive machine, — for example, the Colchester Coach ? Can it muse, 
or compose a Psychological Curiosity ? Can it go wool gathering — or 
into a brown study — or into a fit of abstraction — without the help of a 
knife? Does it ever get to its wits' end — or even to their beginning? 
In short, has it a mind of its own ? 

These are difficult queries; and the more so, that the dumb shell-fish, 
if it have any thinkings, whether poetical Night Thoughts or prosaical 
day ones, such as Thoughts on the Currency — Thoughts on the Corn 
laws ; — or still more cogent Thoughts on the Corporation and Testa- 
ceous Acts — is inevitably condemned to keep its Thoughts to itself. 

In the meantime, our servant, this morning, has brought from the 
fish-market a fine living Crab, with an oyster, by way of rider, sticking 
right and tight on the back shell. Here, then, appears something like 
a glimmering of reason and foresight ; for if the Bivalve had fastened on 
any common scaly fish, it might easily have been rubbed off, wilfully or 
accidentally ; whereas from the hard crust of Cancer it was as difficult 
to dislodge as the Old Man of the Sea. Again, there is much seeming 
sagacity in the selection of the Amphibious reptile ; for supposing an 
Oyster to indulge a wish for seeing the world, where could it have chosen 
a better Conveyancer, than one accustomed, besides sea voyages, to 
occasional travels on land ? 

This certainly resembles the exercise of a reasoning faculty ; however 
opposed certain analogies may be to such a conclusion. But an Oyster 
is very anomalous — and for example in this : — That you must take it out 
of its bed before you can tuck it in ! 



A REFLECTION. 



When Eve upon the first of Men 
The apple press'd with specious cant. 

Oh ! what a thousand pities then 
That Adam was not Adamant ! 



308 




THK THANTOM SHIP, 



A SKETCH OFF THE EOAD. 



"Whatever is, is right." — Pope. 
"Laissez aller." — Iyanhoe. 



Adieu, mes amis! — I am gone down below. Mais, tout douoement. 
Monsieur Jacques — you will break your head ! " 

The language was doubtful : but the accent and tone were so 
decidedly French, that the pictorial faculty immediately presented a 
meagre, sallow-faced figure, — a sort of Monsieur Mallet or Morbleu — 
as the next addition to the company in the crowded cabin of the Lord 
Melville. Thanks to National Prejudice, fostered by State Policy, and 
confirmed by our Anti-Gallican Dramatists and Caricaturists, it has 
always been the popular notion that le Boeuf Gras was the only fat 
animal in France. Indeed, some thirty or forty years ago, — " when 
George the Third was King," — the celebrated Living Skeleton would 
have been considered as a fair average specimen of his countrymen. A 
Frenchman any stouter than Borneo's starved Apothecary was a physical 
impossibility : — at the utmost, like his own Mat de Cocagne, he might 
become greasy, but not fat. Such was, in reality, my own impression 
in early life ; and hence the Eidolon my fancy had conjured up of a 
foreigner. 



A SKETCH OFF THE EOAD. 809 



' As long, and lank, and brown, 
As is the ribb'd sea-sand !" 



It was, however, a very different Personage who came stooping and 
labouring through the narrow aperture, which he quite filled up — like 
a pig squeezing into a hen-house. As the Man-Mountain entered 
Oachwards, and almost bent double, the mind unavoidably recurred to 
the Stout Gentleman of Washington Irving : whom the new-comer 
quite equalled in bulk, and rather exceeded in boisterousness : for he 
had taken his wine on board before embarking ; and a little Achates 
who came with him had no small trouble in checldng, or rather trying 
to cheek, the Big Man's exuberant gaiety. It would have been as easy 
to persuade Falstaff into Quakerism. 

In the meantime the old Prejudice set to work, and I could not help 
thinking — in common, perhaps, with two-thirds of the passengers then 
present — that so hearty and well-fed a fellow — big enough for a Small 
farmer — ruddy enough for a butcher — and jolly enough for a Jack Tar 
— ought to have been an Englishman : and, as if to countenance this 
theory, the Stranger not only had some knowledge of our language, but 
exhibited very decided symptoms of Anglomania. He had travelled 
somewhere — perhaps between Paris and Calais — by an English Stage- 
Coach ; and struck, no doubt, by the superiority of whip, drag, and 
team, the beautiful turn-out, and the admirable performance of horse 
and man, compared with the foreign Diligence and its cattle, had 
imbibed the fancy for the " Koad " so prevalent among ourselves. In 
particular, one of the phrases of the craft had burnt itself into his heart 
like a love-posy. It haunted him like a tune. In season or out of 
season, and intertwined with the most opposite topics, it was continually 
dropping from his lips, or rather rattling with a strong guttural 
emphasis from his throat, as thus : "All r-r-r-r-right, — let them go ! " 

The night was close and sultry, the passengers were numerous, and 
the cabin was, of course, none the cooler for the arrival of such a huge 
warm, breathing body, displacing an equal bulk of air. 

" Sapperment ! qu'il fait chaud ! " ejaculated the fat Frenchman, as 
he seated himself next his friend, at the end of one of the long tables 
" Allons,-mon ami — we must drink ; " and, as he spoke, he intercepted 
the steward's mate, " Hold, boy ! gargon, — bring here some grogs." 

His companion vainly remonstrated against this order, alleging that 
the other had already drunk more than enough ; but the Frenchman 
was resolute. 

"Bah! ce n'est rien — I am not bottlesome — du tout! du tout I 
All r-r-r-r-r-right — soyez tranquille. Ah ! ah ! here come the grogs — 
let them go ! " 

A glass of rum-and-water was mixed and swallowed in a twinkling ; 
and a second was about to follow, when the friend anxiously interfered, 
and at last, by signs, desired the boy to take away the bottle and glass. 

" All r-r-r-r-right — let them go ! " said the Frenchman ; but meaning 
quite the reverse, for unsuiting the action to the word, he made a 

SECOND SBBIES. P 



SIO 



A SKETCH OFF THE EOAD. 



snatch at the departing spirit. "Diable ! stop! halte !&!— give ma 
my grogs." 

" No, no ; take it away," 

" Mais, non — donnez-moi, vous dis-je ! — give it to me ! " 

" But, my dear fellow " 

" Ciiut, chut! vous etes ivre. You see me drink two glasses for one." 

" But the passengers want to go to sleep." ' 

"All r-r-r-right— let them go!" said the Frenchman. "Ah! la 

voila! " and he replaced the rum-bottle on the table: "a present — 

tenez, la vie est courte— il faut boire. Your good healths, gentlemens. 

Vive I'Angleterre ! I am 
going to ride all over you 
in a coach — ah, si beaux 
chevaux ! all r-r-r-right — ■ 
st-st — peste ! I have broke 
the bottle all to bits !— 
hollo, boy ! — more grogs." 
" My good fellow, do be 
quiet ; you had better get 
into bed." 

"A la bonne heure, — 
get into it yourself — go in- 
side ; pour moi, non. I shall 
drink a bit more. Hola, 
boy ! steward I come! vite! 
quick ! the grogs — the 
grogs — the grogs ! Bon : 
c'est un brave gar^on ! Now 
then, sir, all r-r-r-right — 
bon voyage — let them go ! " 
" Pray don't drink any 
more." 

" Mon ami, a votre 

sante. It is good stuff! 

-grogs for ever! — AUons, cbantons 




A WORK OF SUPEREROGATIOy. 



Encore un coup, — trink, boys, trink- 
un peu, — La, la, la, lira la " 

" Hush ! hush ! they are all in bed." 

" No such thing : there are two misters at the other table. Mais, 
non, he is only one. Never mind. Ah ! ah, — voici le Capitaine — My 
friend, will you not have some grogs ? AUons — goutez — where do you 
change your horses ? AUons! — ha! ha! — all r-r-right — let them go! 
n'est-ce-pas ? — Attendez, — one day I will be a whip — parbleu, je les 
ferai trotter — comme quatre ! — eh, mon ami ? Mais voyez done, il est 
malade — c'est sa faute — he would not take some grogs ! — Oui, c'est 9a 
— 1 must talie warning of him — Hola! boy ! — some more — some more 
grogs. Quick ! fast ! — or else I shall be sick. Look at my old feUow 
— ah le pauvre ! — there he goes into his bed. Adieu, mon cher— dor- 
mez bien. A present — allons — buvons nous autres — bu-bu-bu-buvons 



A SKETCH OFF THE HOAD. 



211 



— and so forth, till the jovial Frenchman, dropping his head on the 
table, fairly muttered himself into a doze. Sleep could now go to sleep ; 
and snorings, pitched in various keys, began to sound from the differen t 
sides of the cabin. 

The calm, however, was short : all at once there was a tremendous 
bounce that shook the very timbers of the vessel as if she had touched 
on a sand-bank. The Man Mountain had tumbled from his seat, and 
was rolling and talking on the floor. 

" Men Dieu ! qu'y-a-t-il ? — I have failed off the coach — oui, o'est 9a 
— here is some bags and boxes — no, it is the ship ! — Help — hola ! 
Boy ! gar^on ! — ha ! ha ! ha ! — c'est bien drole I — Bon ! here is the 
boy ! — tenez — tout doucement — all r-r-r-right — pick up my head and 
my legs — let them go ! " 

The boy heaved and hauled, as the sailors say, " with a will " at the 
prostrate carcase ; but to raise such a body on its legs was no easy task, 
and to keep it perpendicular was still more difficult. Long and ludicrous 
was the struggle, till even Sleep, who had waked in a cross temper, was 
compelled to smile at the awkwardness of the scramble. At last, by 
dint of hugging and tugging, and heaving and twisting, the good- 
humoured Monster, who 
had never ceased talking, 
was propped up in a cor- 
ner of tbe cabin. 

"Bon! all r-r-right! — 
je vous remercie infini- 
ment — come, you shall 
drink some — mais, re- 
gardez — quel dommage ! 
— there has been one — 
how do you call it ? — 
quite a spill." 

" Have you hurt your- 
self ? " inquired the friend 
from the bed. 

" Not a morsel ! — Dieu 
merci ! — sound wind and 
sound limb. Some grogs 

will make all well. Mais, parbleu, il fait grand vent ! " and the speaker 
gave a tremendous stagger, and then a plunge over the opposite table. 

" By Jove, I can't stand it! " exclaimed the friend, bolting feet fore- 
most from his berth. " He'll dash out his brains I " 

" All r-r-r-right ! " muttered the fat Frenchman, — "let them go ! " 




AMOTJHT CARRIED OVER. 



The morning after my arrival in London, my fortune afforded me 
another glimpse of the Jolly Foreigner. He was occupying rather more 
than his share of the box-seat of a long stage. The coach was on the 
point of starting,— the driver was buckling his reins,— and the helpers 



3ia 



ANACnEONTIO. 



stood ready to snatch the cloths from the wheelers ; — the Fat French- 
man, with his lips moving, as if silently rehearsing the favourite phrase, 
was intently watching the progress of the buckling ; and no sooner was 
it completed, than — anticipating the coachman, and with a gusto not to 
be described in print — forth rattled, as guttural as ever, the appropriate 
sentence — " All r-r-r-r-r-right — let them go ! " 




ANACREONTIC. 



FOK THE NEW TEAE. 



Come, fill up the Bowl, for if ever the glass 

Found a proper excuse or fit season, 
For toasts to be honour 'd, or pledges to pass. 

Sure, this hour brings an exquisite reason : 
For harlv ! the last chime of the dial has ceased, 

And Old Time, who his leisure to cozen. 
Had finish 'd the Months, like the flasks at a feast, 

Is preparing to tap a fresh dozen ! 

Hip ! Hip ! and Hurrali ! 

Then fill, all ye Happy and Free, unto whom 

The past Year has been pleasant and sunny ; 
Its months each as sweet as if made of the bloom 

Of the thyme whence the bee gathers honey — 
Days usher'd by dew-drops, instead of the tears, 

May be wrung from some wretcheder cousin — 
Then fill, and with gratitude join in the cheers 

That triumphantly hail a fresh dozen ! 

Hip ! Hip ! and Hurrah ! 



A POPULAE FALLACY. 213 

And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast, 

And been bow'd to the earth by its fury ; 
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd, 

Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury, — 
Still, fill to the Future ! and join i^ our cliime, 

The regrets of remembrance to cozen. 
And having obtained a New Trial of Time, 

Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen ! 

Hip ! Hip ! and Hurrah ! 



A CAUTION. 



Beware of angering a Blind Man. For he will strike you as soon 
as look at you. 



A POPULAE FALLACY. 



It is dishonest to deprive me of my goods " against my will." It is 
a dead robbery to make free with my live-stock. It is felony to abstract 
from my dwelling-house. It is larceny to take my purse or my hand- 
kerchief, my watch or my snuff-box. It is picking and stealing to thin 
my apples. It is theft to walk off with my shoes or stockings. It is 
prigging to sneak away with a tea-spoon. It is pilfering to appropriate 
my toothpick or my loose change. It is filching to convey my hat from 
its peg, or my cloak from the hall. It is breach of trust to abscond 
with a few of my pounds, though I may have thousands still left at my 
banker's. But it is only a joke, forsooth, to run away with my knocker, 
and leave me without a rap. 



THE PUESUIT OF LETTERS. 



The Germans for Learning enjoy great repute ; 
But the English make Letters still more a pursuit ; 
For a Cockney will go from the banks of the Thames 
To Cologne for an 0, and to Nassau for M's. 



RIDDLE. 



Whs is a shepherd like an unfortunate man ? — Because he always 
as " a crook in his lot." 







AN AIR PUMP. 



SUSPENDED ANIMATION. 



Some time ago a Professional Friend, who was engaged in the study 
of Comparative Anatomy, became desirous of dissecting a Monkey. To 
this end he applied at a certain Menagerie, where he selected and 
purchased an animal of the required species, and which he directed to 
be lulled, and then forwarded to his residence. Accordingly the next 
day he received, per Camberwell carrier, a large basket with the 
following genuine epistle : — 

" Sir, — Wen this cums to Hand the Monkey is in the Hamper, 
And hope he will give Satisfaxion havin bean carfully Kild without 
injery to the Carcus so as to be fit for a Specimin in Nateral Histry or 
anytomical purpus as may be preferd. 

" Me and Maples had a long consultin as to the puttin on Him to 
deth, and at last both concludid the most properest Way would be 
Haugin, becos of his striking resemblans to the Human specius. Witch 
was dun acording and as like a Man as possibil xcept his repetid climing 
up the rope with his hind legs as in course a Christian cant no how. 
Besides being so powerful in his lims, as obleeged me and Maples to 
pull at his different legs, and even then cut capers astonishin and kickt 
like fun. Whereby he died very Hard, and witch not bein acompanied 
with old close and perquisits, like other hangings, we humbly hope will 
be considerd over and above his price as a Subject, besides the shock 



SUSPENDED ANIMATION. 215 

to feelings with a hanimal we'd bean acquainted with for so many years. 
Poor Joclso ! Both on us can shew the old marks of his Bites. 

" Sir, — Me and Maples both thort it was a grate pitty you or sum 
other siantificle Gentleman warnt present yourself at the Exeoushun to 
studdy his dying fizzogonomy witch showd to partickler lively effect 
from not bavin any Cap drawed over his face like a feller cretur. 
Whereby you mite see every Mug he cut agreable to his struggles, and 
as sich an advantage not to be enjoyed at the Old Bailey. Luokly he 
settled at last with a plesant sort of grinnin expression on his feturs, 
and Maples think would stuff lovely, provided you was not bent on his 
Skellitou. In witch case if it wood not be axing too grate a faver for 
me and Maples to be present at the cuttin on him up, having knowed 
him so long at the Menagery it wood be a Pleasure to see the last on 
him and partildy his Interium wether like our own specius inside as 
well as out. And excusing the libberty of the hint Maples consider a 
Monkey must have some uncommon sort of Brains to stand so much 
swinging with there Heds downards. With witch I remane Sir 
Your very Humble Servant to Command 

James Baiceoft. 

" P.S. If you wood like to disect a Kangeroo we have one as is open 
to Terms." 

In spite, however, of " me and Maples," the hamper was no sooner 
opened than up jumped Jocko as vigorous as ever, and in a trice was 
jabbering in the Unknown Tongue from the top of the bookcase. In 
consideration of his past sufferings and his narrow escape, the poor 
Monkey was allowed by the Doctor to live out his natural term ; but 
like " ill-hangit Maggie " he had always a thraw in his neck, and, from 
some injury to the glottis, was apt to make what his old keepers would 
perhaps have called " gallows faces " whilst swallowing his victuals. 




*i'd bk a butterfly. 



216 




'AND TELEMACHUS KNEW THAT HE BEHELD MINERVA. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



AN EXir.ATAGANZA. 



' She tawght 'hem to sew and marke, 
All maimer of sylkyn werke, 

Of her they were ful fayne." — Romance of Emare, 



CHAPTEK I. 

A Schoolmistress ought not to travel — 

"No, sir ! " 

No, madam — except on the map. There, indeed, she may skip 
from a blue continent to a green one — cross a pink isthmus — traverse 
a Ked, Black, or Yellow Sea — land in a purple island, or roam in an 
orange desert, without danger or indecorum. There she may ascend 
dotted rivers, sojourn at capital cities, scale alps, and wade through 
bogs, without soiling her shoe, rumpling her satin, or showing her 
ankle. But as to practical travelling, — real journeying and voyaging, 
— oh, never, never, never ! 

" How, sir ! Would you deny to a Preceptress all the excursive plea- 
sures of locomotion ? " 

By no means, miss. In the summer holidays, when the days are 
long, and the evenings are light, there is no objection to a little trip by 
the railway — say to Weybridge or Slough — provided always 

"Well, sir?" 

That she goes by a special train, and in a first-class carriage. 



THE SCHOOLMISTBESS ABROAB 917 

" Ridiculous ! " 

Nay, madam — consider her pretensions. She is little short of a 
Divinity ! — Diana, without the hunting ! — a modernized Minerva ! — 
the Representative of Womanhood in all its purity ! — Eve, in full 
dress, with a finished education ! — a Model of Morality ! — a Pattern of 
Propriety ! — the Fuglewoman of her Sex ! As such she must be 
perfect. No medium performance — no ordinary good-going, like that 
of an eight-day clock or a Dutch dial — will suffice for the character. 
She must be as correct as a prize chronometer. She must be her own 
Prospectus personified. Spotless in reputation, immaculate in her 
dress, regular in her habits, refined in her manners, elegant in her 
carriage, nice in her taste, faultless in her phraseology, and in her mind 
like — like 

" Pray what, sir? " 

Why, like your own chimney-ornament, madam — a pure crystal foun 
tain, sipped by little doves of alabaster. 

" A sweet pretty comparison ! Well, go on, sir ! " 

Now, look at travelling. At the best, it is a rambling, scrambling, 
shift-making, strange-bedding, irregulai'-mealing, foreign-habiting, 
helter-skelter, higgledy-piggledy sort of process. At the very least, 
a female must expect to be rumpled and dusted ; perhaps draggled, 
drenched, torn and roughcasted — and if not bodily capsized or thrown 
a summerset, she is likely to have her straitest-laced prejudices upset, 
and some of her most orthodox opinions turned topsyturvy. An acci- 
dent of little moment to other women, but to a schoolmistress pro- 
ductive of a professional lameness for life. Then she is certain to be 
stared at, jabbered at, may be jeered at, and poked, pushed, and 
hauled at, by curious or officious foreigners — to be accosted by perfect 
and imperfect strangers — in short, she is liable to be revolted in her 
taste, shocked in her religious principles, disturbed in her temper, 
disturbed in her dress, and deranged in her decorum. But you shall 
hear the sentiments of a Schoolmistress on the subject. 

" Ob ! a made-up letter. " 

No, miss, — a genuine epistle, upon my literary honour. Just look 
at the writing — the real copybook running-hand — not a t uncrossed — 
not an i undotted — not an illegitimate flourish of a letter, but each j 
and g and y turning up its tail like the pug dogs, after one regular 
established pattern. And pray observe her capitals. No sprawling 
K with a kicking leg— no troublesome W making a long arm across its 
neighbour, and especially no great vulgar D unnecessarily sticking out 
its stomach. Her H, you see, seems to have stood in the stocks, her I 
to have worn a backboard, and even her S is hardly allowed to be 
crooked ! 

CHAPTER II. 

" Phoo ! phoo ! it's all banter," exclaims the Courteous Reader. 
Banter be hanged ! replies the Courteous Writer. But possibly, 
my good sir, you have never seen that incomparable schoolmistress. 



ai8 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



Miss Crane, for a Miss she was, is, and would be, even if Campbell's 
Last Man were to offer to her for the preservation of the species. One 
sight of her were, indeed, as good as a thousand, seeing that nightly 
she retires into some kind of mould, like a jelly shape, and turns out 
again in the morning the same identical face and figure, the same cor- 
rect, ceremonious creature,and in the same costume to a crinkle. But 
no — you never can have seen that She-Mentor, stiff as starch, formal 
as a Dutch hedge, sensitive as a Daguerreotype, and so tall, thin, and 

upright, that supposing the 
Tree of Knowledge to have' 
been a poplar, she was the 
very Dryad to have fitted 
it ! Otherwise, remember- 
ing that unique image, all 
fancy and frost work — so in- 
crusted with crisp and brittle 
particularities — so bedecked 
allegorically with the prim- 
rose of prudence, the daisy 
of decorum, the violet of 
modesty, and the lily of 
purity, you would confess at 
once that such a Schoolmis- 
tress was as unfit to travel — 
unpacked — as a Dresden 
China figure ! 

" Excuse me, sir, but is 
there actually such a real 
personage ? " 

Keal ! Are there real 
Natives — Eeal Blessings to 
Mothers — Eeal Del Monte 
shares, and Eeal Water at the Adelphi? Only call her * * * * * 
instead of Crane, and she is a living, breathing, flesh and blood, skin 
and bone individual ! Why, there are dozens, scores, hundreds of 
her Ex-Pupils, now grown women, who will instantly recognise their 
old Governess in the form with which, mixing up Grace and Graceful- 
ness, she daily prefaced their rice-milk, batter-puddings, or raspberry- 
bolsters. As thus : 

' " For what we are going to receive — elbows, elbows ! — the Lord make 
us — backs in and shoulders down — truly thankful — and no chattering 
— amen." 

CHAPTEE in. 

" But the letter, sir, the letter " 

" Oh, I do so long," exclaims one, who would be a stout young 
woman, if she did not wear a pinafore, " oh, I do so long to hear how a 
governess writes home ! " 




A NOTE OF ADMIRATIOlf. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABEOAD. 219 

" The professional epistle," adds a tall, thin Instructress, genteelly 
in at the elbows, but shabbily out at the fingers' ends, for she has only 
twenty pounds per annum, with five quarters in arrear. 

" The schoolmistress's letter," cries a stumpy Teacher — only a 
helper, but looking as important as if she were an educational 
coachwoman, with a team of her own, some five-and-twenty skittish 
young animals, without blinkers, to keep straight in the road of 
propriety. 

"The letter, sir,'' chimes in a half-boarder, looking, indeed, as if she 
' had only half-dined for the last half-year. 

" Come, the letter you promised us from that paragon, Miss Crane." 

That's true. Mother of the Muses, forgive me ! I had forgotten 
my promise as utterly as if it had never been made. If any one had 
furnished the matter with a file and^ a rope-ladder it could not have 
escaped more clearly from my remembrance. A loose tooth could not 
more completely have gone out of my head. A greased eel could not 
more thoroughly have slipped my memory. But here is the letter, 
sealed with pale blue wax, and a device of the Schoolmistress's own 
invention — namely, a note of interrogation (?) with the appropriate 
motto of " an answer required." And in token of its authenticity, 
pray observe that the cover is duly stamped, except that of the foreign 
postmark only the three last letters are legible, and yet even from these 
one may swear that the missive has come from Holland ; yes, as cer 
tainly as if it smelt of Dutch cheese, pickle-herrings, and Sohie * * * ! 
But hark to Governess ! 

Mr BEAR Miss Parfitt, 

Under the protection of a superintending Providence, we 
have arrived safely at this place, which as you know is a seaport in the 
Dutch dominions — chief city Amsterdam. 

For your amusement and improvement I did hope to compose a 
journal of our continental progress, with such references to Guthrie and 
the School Atlas as might enable you to trace our course on the Map 
of Europe. But unexpected vicissitudes of mind and body have totally 
incapacitated me for the pleasing task. Some social evening hereafter 
I may entertain our little juvenile circle with my locomotive miseries 
and disagreeables ; but at present my nerves and feeling are too 
discomposed for the correct flow of an epistolary correspondence. 
Indeed, from the Tower-stair to Eotterdam I have been in one 
universal tremor and perpetual blush. Such shocking scenes and 
positions, that make one ask twenty times a day, is this decorum ? — 
can this be morals ? But I must not anticipate. Suffice it, that as 
regards foreign travelling it is my painful conviction, founded on 
personal experience, that a woman of delicacy or refinement cannot go 
out of England without going out of herself! 

The very first step from an open boat up a windy shipside is an 
alarm to modesty, exposed as one is to the officious but odious 
attentions of the Tritons of the Thames. Nor is the steamboat itself a 



220 



THE SOHOOLMISTEESS ABROAD. 




A DUTCH STEAMER. 



sphere for the preservation of self-respect. If there is any feature on 
which a British female prides herself, it is a correct and lady-like 
carriage. In that particular I quite coincide with Mrs. Chapone, Mrs. 

Hannah More, and other 
writers on the subject. 
But how — let me ask — 
how is a dignified deport- 
ment to be maintained 
when one has to skip 
and straddle over cables,* 
ropes, and other nautical 
ho}-s d'ceuvres — to scram- 
ble up and down imprac- 
ticable stairs, and to 
clamber into inaccessible 
beds ? Not to name the 
sudden losing one's centre 
of gravity, and falling in 
all sorts of unstudied at- 
titudes on a sloppy and 
slippery deck. An acci- 
dent that I may say re- 
duces the elegant and the 
awkward female to the same level. You will be concerned, therefore, 
to learn that poor Miss Buth had a fall, and in an unbecoming posture 
particularly distressing — namely, by losing her footing on the cabin 
flight, and coming down with a destructive launch into the steward's 
pantry. 

For my own part, it has never happened to me within my remepi- 
brance to make a false step, or to miss a stair: there is a certain 
guarded carriage that preserves one from such sprawling denouments — 
but of course what the bard calls the "poetry of motion," is not to be 
preserved amidst the extempore rollings of an ungovernable ship. 
Indeed, within the last twenty-four hours, I have had to perform feats 
of agility more fit for a monkey than one of my own sex and species. 
Par example : getting down from a bed as high as the copybook-board, 
and, what really is awful, with the sensation of groping about with your 
feet and legs for a floor that seems to have no earthly existence. I 
may add, the cabin-door left ajar and exposing you to the gaze of an 
obtrusive cabin-boy, as he is called, but quite big enough for a man. 
Oh,je lie jamais! 

As to the Mer Maladie, delicacy forbids the details; but as Miss 
Ruth says, it is the height of human degradation ; and to add to the 
climax of our letting down, we had to give way to the most humiliating 
impulses in the presence of several of the rising generation — dreadfully 
rude little girls who had too evidently enjoyed a had bringin-gup. 

To tell the truth, your poor Governess was shockingly indisposed. 
Not that I had indulged my appetite at dinner, being too much 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



231 



disgusted with a public meal in promiscuous society, and as might be 
expected, elbows on table, eating with knives, and even picking teeth 
with forks ! And then no grace, which assuredly ought to be said both 
before and after, whether we are to retain the blessings or not. But a 
dinner at sea and a school dinner, where we have even our regular beef 
and batter days, are two very different things. Then to allude to 
indiscriminate conversation, a great part of which is in a foreign 
language, and accordingly places one in the cruel position of hearing, 
without understanding a word of. the most libertine and atheistical 
Sentiments. Indeed, I fear I 
have too often been smiling com- 
placently, not to say engagingly, 
when I ought rather to have 
been flashing with virtuous in- 
dignation, or even administering 
the utmost severity of moral 
reproof. I did endeavour, in 
one instance, to rebuke indeli- 
cacy ! but unfortunately from 
standing near the funnel, was 
smutty all the while I was talk- 
ing, and as school experience 
confirms, it is impossible to com- 
mand respect with a black on 
one's nose. 

Another of our Cardinal Vir- 
tues, personal cleanliness, is 
totally impracticable on ship- 
board : but without particular- 
ising, I will only name a general 

sense of grubbiness; and as to dress, a rumpled and tumbled tout 
ensemble, strongly indicative of the low and vulgar pastime of rolhng 
down Greenwich-hill ! And then, in such a costume to land in Hol- 
land, where the natives get up linen with a perfection and purity, as 
Miss Ruth says, quite worthy of the primeval ages ! That, surely is 
bad enough — but to have one's trunks rummaged like a suspected 
menial — to see all the little secrets of the toilette, and all the mysteries 
of a female wardrobe exposed to the searching gaze of a male official 
— Oh, shocking ! shocking ! 

In short, my dear, it is my candid impression, as regards foreign 
travelling, that except for a masculine tallyhoying female, of the Di 
Vernon genus, it is hardly adapted to our sex. Of this at least I am 
certain, that none but a born romp and hoyden, or a girl accustomed to 
those new-fangled puUey-hauley exercises, the Calisthenics, is fitted for 
the boisterous evolutions of a sea-voyage. And yet there are creatures 
calling themselves Women, not to say Ladies, who will undertake such 
long marine passages as to Bombay in Asia, or New York, in the New 
World ! Consult Arrowsmith for the geographical degrees. 




THE PALE OF CIVILISATION. 



223 THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 

Affection, however, demands tbe sacrifice of my own personal 
feelings, as my Eeverend Parent and my Sister are still inclined to 
prosecute a Continental Tour. I forgot to tell you that during the 
voyage, Miss Euth endeavoured to paries frangais with some of the 
foreign ladies, but as they did not understand her, they must all have 
been Germans. 

My paper warns to conclude. I rely on your superintending 
vigilance for the preservation of domestic order in my absence. The 
horticultural department I need not recommend to your care, knowing 
your innate partiality for the offspring of Flora — and the dusting of the 
fragile ornaments in the drawing-room you will assuredly not trust to 
any hands but your own. Blinds down of course — the front-gate locked 
regularly at 6 p.m. — and I must particularly beg of your musical 
penchant a total abstinence on Sundays from the pianoforte. And now 
adieu. The Eeverend T. C. desires his compliments to you, and Miss 
Euth adds her kind regards, with which believe me. 

My dear Miss Parfitt, 
Your affectionate Friend and Preceptress, 

Peiscilla Cbane. 

P.S. I have just overheard a lady describing, with strange levity, 
an adventure that befell her at Cologne. A foreign postman invading 
her sleeping-apartment, and not only delivering a letter to her on her 
pillow, but actually staying to receive his money, and to give her the 
change ! And she laughed and called him her Bed Post ! Fi done ! 
Fi done ! 

CHAPTEE IV. 

Well — there is the letter — 

" And a very proper letter too," remarks a retired Seminarian, Mrs. 
Grove House, a faded, demure-looking old ladj^ with a set face so like 
wax, that any strong emotion would have cracked it to pieces. And 
never, except on a doll, was there a face with such a miniature set of 
features, or so crowned with a chaplet of little string-coloured curls. 

" A proper letter ! — what with all that fuss about delicacy and 
decorum ! " 

Yes, miss. At least proper for the character. A Schoolmistress is a 
prude by profession. She is bound on her reputation to detect impro- 
prieties, even as he is the best lawyer who discovers the most flaws. It 
is her cue, where she cannot find an indecorum, to imagine it ; — just as 
a paid Spy is compelled, in a dearth of High Treason, to invent a 
conspiracy. In fact, it was our very Miss Crane who poked out an 
objection, of which no other woman would have dreamt, to those little 
button- mushrooms called Pages. She would not keep one, she said, for 
his weight in gold. 

" But they are all the rage," said Lady A. 

" Everybody has one," said Mrs. B. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



SS3 



" They are so sliowy ! " said Mrs. 0. 

" And so interesting ! " lisped Miss D. 

" And so useful," suggested Miss E. 

" I would rather part with half my servants," declared Lady A, " than 
■with my handsome Cherubino ! " 

" Not a doubt of it," replied Miss Crane, with a gesture of the most 
profound acquiescence. " But if I were a married woman, I would not 
have such a boy about me for the world — no, not for the whole terrestrial 
globe. A Page is unquestionably very a la mode, and very dashing, 
and very pretty, and may be very useful — but to have a youth about 
one, so beautifully dressed, and so indulged, not to say pampered, and 
yet not exactly treated as one of the family — I should certainly expect 
that every body would take him———" 

" For what, pray, what ? " 

" Why, for a natural son in disguise." 



CHAPTER V. 



But to return to the Tour. — 

It is a statistical fact, that since 1814 an unknown number of 
persons, bearing an indefinite proportion to the gross total of the popu- 
lation of the British empire, have been more or less " abroad." Not 
politically, or metaphysically, 
or figuratively, but literally 
out of the kingdom, or, as it 
is called, in foreign parts. 

In fact, no sooner was the 
Continent opened to us by the 
Peace, than there was a general 
rush towards the mainland. 
An Alarmist, like old Croaker, 
might have fancied that some 
of our disaffected Merthyr 
Tydvil miners or underminers 
were scuttling the Island, so 
many of the natives scuttled 
out of it. The outlandish se- 
cretaries, who sign passports, 
had hardly leisure to take 
snuff. 

It was good however for 
trade. Carpet-bags and port- 
manteaus rose one hundred per cent. All sorts of Guide-books and 
Journey Works went off like wildfire, aud even Sir Humphry Davy's 
" Consolations in Travel " was in strange request. Servants, who had 
" no objection to go abroad " were snapped up like fortunes — and as to 
hard-riding " Curriers," — there was nothing like leather. 




BIRDS OF A FEATHER 



224 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



It resembled a geopraphical panic — and of all tbe Country and 
Banks in Christendom, never was there such a run as on the Banks of 
the Khine. You would have thought that they were going to break all 
to smash — of course making away beforehand with their splendid 
furniture, unrivalled pictures, and capital cellar of wines ! However, 
off flew our countrymen and countrywomen, like migrating swallows, 
but at the wrong time of year ; or rather like shoals of salmon, striving 
up, up, up against the stream, except to spawn Tours and Keminiscences, 
hard and soft, instead of roe. And would that they were going up, up, 
up still — for when they came down again, /)ds. Jobs, and patent Grizels! 
how they did bore and Germanize us, like so many flutes. 

It was impossible to go into Society without meeting units, tens, 
hundreds, thousands of Rhenish Tourists — travellers in Ditchlaud, and 




BARELT CIVIL. 



in Deutchland. People who had seen Nimagen and Nim-Again — who 
had been at Cologne, and at Koeln, and at Colon — at Cob-Longs and 
Coblence — at Swang Gwar and at Saint Go-er — at Bonn — at Bone — 
and at Bong ! 
. Then the airs they gave themselves over the untravelled ! How they 
bothered them with Bergs, puzzled them with Bads, deafened them with 
Dorfs, worried them with Heims, and pelted them with Steins ! How 
they looked down upon them, as if from Ehrenbreitstein, because they 
had not eaten a German sausage in Germany, sour krout in its own 
country, and drunk seltzer water at the fountain-head ! What a donkey 
they deemed him who had not been to Assmanshausen — what a cockney 



THE SOHOOIiMISTEESS ABROAD. 325 

who had uot seen a Eat's Castle besides the one in St. Giles's ! He was 
as it were, in the kitchen of society, for to go " up the Rhine," was to 
go up-staii's ! 

Now this very humiliation was felt by Miss Crane ; and the more 
that in her establishment for Young Ladies she was the Professor of 
Geography, and the Use of the Globes. Moreover, several of her 
pupils had made the trip with their parents during the vacations, and 
treated the travelling part of the business so lightly, that iu a rash hour 
the Schoolmistress determined to go abroad. Her junior sister. Miss 
Ruth, gladly acceded to the scheme, and so did their only remainin'^ 
parent, a little, sickly, querulous man, always in black, being some sort of 
dissenting minister, as the "young ladies " knew to their cost, for ther 
had always to mark his new shirts, in cross-stitch, with the Reverend 
T. C. and the number — " the Reverend " at full length. 

Accordingly, as soon as the Midsummer holidays set in, there was 
packed — in I don't know how many trunks, bags, and cap-boxes, — I 
don't know what luggage, except that for each of the party there was a 
silver spoon, a knife and fork, and six towels. 

" And pray, sir, how far did your Schoolmistress mean to go? " 

To Gotha, madam. Not because Bonaparte slept there on his flight 
from Leipsic — nor yet from any sentimental I'ccollections of Goethe — 
not to see the palace of Friedenstein and its museum — nor to purchase 
an " Almanacli de Gotha," nor even because His Royal Highness Prince 
Albert, of Saxe Gotha, was the Husband Elect of our Gracious Queen. 

" Then what for, in the name of patience ? " 

Why, because the Berlin wool was dyed there, and so she could get 
what colour and shades she pleased. 



CHAPTER VI. 

" Now of all things,'' cries a Needlewoman — one of those to whom 
Parry alludes in his comic song of " Berlin Wool " — " I should like to 
know what pattern the Schoolmistress meant to work I " 

And so would say any one — for no doubt it would have been a 
pattern for the whole sex. All I know is, that she once worked a 
hearth-rug, with a yellow animal, couchant, on a green ground, that was 
intended for a panther in a jungle : and to do justice to the performance, 
it was really not so very unlike a carroty-cat in a bed of spinach. But 
the face was a dead failure. It was not in the gentlewomanly nature, nor 
indeed consistent with the professional principles of Miss Crane, to let a 
wild, rude, ungovernable creature go out of her hands ; and accordingly 
the feline physiognomy came from her fingers as round, and mild, and 
innocent as that of a Baby. In vain she added whiskers to give 
ferocity — 'twas a Baby still — and though she put a circle of fiery red 
around each staring ball, still, still it was a mild, innocent Baby — but 
with very sore eyes. 

And besides the hearthrug, she embroidered a chair-cushion, for a 

SECOND SERIES. Q 



226 THE SOHOOLMISTEESS ABROAD 

seat devoted to her respectable parent — a pretty, oruithological design 
— so that when the Reverend T. C. wanted to sit, there was ready for 
him a little bird's-nest, with a batch of speckled eggs. 

And moreover, besides the chair-bottom but, in short, between 

ourselves, there was so much Fancy work done at Lebanon House, that 
there was no time for any real. 



CHAPTER VII. 

There are two Newingtons, Butts and Stoke ; — but the last has the 
advantage of a little village-green, on the north side of which stands a 
large brick-built, substantial mansion, in the comfortable old Elizabethan 
livery, maroon-colour, picked out with white. It was anciently the 
residence of a noble family, whose crest, a deer's head, carved in stone, 
formerly ornamented each pillar of the front gate : but some later 
proprietor has removed the aristocratical emblems, and substituted two 
great white balls, that look like petrified Dutch cheeses, or the ghosts 
of the Celestial and Terrestrial Globes. The house, nevertheless, 
would still seem venerable enough, but that over the old panelled door, 
as if taking advantage of the fanlight, there sit, night and day, two 
very modern plaster of Paris little boys, reading and writing with all 
their might. Girls, however, would be more appropriate ; for, just 
under the first floor windows, a large board intimates, in tarnished gold 
letters, that the mansion is " Lebanon House, Establishment for 
Young Ladies. By the Misses Crane." Why it should be called 
Lebanon House appears a mystery, seeing that the building stands not 
on a mountain, but in a flat ; but the truth is, that the name was bestowed 
in allusion to a remarkably fine Cedar, which traditionally stood in the 
fore court, though long since cut down as a tree, and cut up in lead 
pencils. 

The front gate is carefully locked, the hour being later than 5 p. m., 
and the blinds are all down — but if any one could peep through the 
short Venetians next the door, on the right hand, into the Music 
Parlour, he would see Miss Parfitt herself stealthily playing on the 
grand piano (for it is Sunday) but with no more sound than belongs 
to that tuneful whisper commonly called " the ghost of a whistle." But 
let us pull the bell. 

" Sally, are the ladies at home ? " 

" Lawk ! sir ! — why haven't you heard ? Miss Crane and Miss Ruth 
are a-pleasuring on a Tower up the Rind — and the Reverend Mr. C. is 
enjoying hisself in Germany along with them." 



Alas ! poor Sally I Alas ! for poor short-sighted human nature ! 
" Why in the name of all that's anonymous, what is the matter ? " 
Lies 1 lies ! lies ! But it is impossible for Truth, the pure Truth, to 
exist, save with Omnipresence and Omniscience. As for mere mortals. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABKOAT). 227 

they must daily vent falsehoods in spite of themselves. Thus at the 

very moment, while Sally was telling us — but let Truth herself correct 

the Errata. 
For — " The Reverend Mr. C. enjoying himself in Germany — " 
Read — " Writhing ivith spasms in a miserable Prussian inn.'' 
For — " Miss Crane and Miss Ruth a-pleasuring on a Tour up the 

Rhine—" 

Read — "Wishing themselves home again ii'ith all their hearts and souls." 




"and BEAt'TT DRATVS US WITH A SINGLE HATR." 



CHAPTER VIII. 

It was a grievous case ! 

After all the troubles of the Reverend T. C. by sea and land — his 
perplexities with the foreign coins at Rotterdam — with the passports at 
Nimeguen — with the Douane at Arnheim — and with the Speise-Karta 

at Cologne 

I To be taken ill, poor gentleman, with his old spasms, in such a place 
as the road between Todberg and Grabheim, six good miles at least 
from each, and not a decent inn at either ! And in such weather too — 
unfit for anything with the semblance of humanity to be abroad — a 
night in which a Christian farmer would hardly have left out his 
scarecrow ! 



The groans of the sufferer were pitiable — but what could be done for 
his relief ? on a blank desolate common without a house in sight — no, 
not a hut ! His afSicted daughters could only try to soothe him with 
words, vain words — assuasive perhaps of mental pains, but as to 
any discourse arresting a physical ache, — ^j'ou might as well take a pin 
to pin a bull with. Besides the poor women wanted comforting them, 
selves. Gracious Heaven ! Think of two single females, with a sick, 
perhaps au expiring parent — shut up in a hired coach, oa a stormy 
night, in a foreign land — ay, in one of its dreariest places The 
sympathy of a third party, even a stranger, would have been some 
support to them, but all they could get by their most earnest appeals 
to the driver was a couple of unintelligible syllables. 

If they had only possessed a cordial — a flask of eau de vie ! Such a 

q2 



228 



THE SCHOOLMtSTBESS ABEOAD. 



thing had indeed been proposed and prepared, but alas ! Miss Crane 
had wilfully left it behind. To think of Propriety producing such a 
travelling accompaniment as a brandy-bottle was out of the question. 
You might as well have looked for claret from a pitcher-plant I 

In the mean time the sick man continued to sigh and moan — his two 
girls could feel him twisting about between them. 

" Oh, my poor dear papa !" murmured Miss Crane, for she did not 
" father " him even in that extremity. Then she groped a^ain 
despairingly in her bag for the smelling-bottle, but only found instead of 
it an article she had brought along with her, Heaven knows why, into 
Germany — the French mark ! 

"Oh — ah — ugh! — hah !" grumbled the sufferer, "Ami — to — die 
— on — the road ! " 

" Is he to die on the road ! " repeated Miss Crane through the front 
window to the coachman, but with the same result as before; namely, 
two words in the unknown tongue. 
" Euth, what is yar vole ? " 
Kuth shook her head in the dark. 

" If he would only drive faster ! " exclaimed liliss Crane, and again 
she talked through the front window. "My good man — " (Gefdllig?) 

" Ruth, what's gefal- 
lish?" But Miss Euth 
was as much in the 
dark as ever. " Do, 
do, do, make haste to 
somewhere — " {Ja 
u-ohl!) That phleg 
raatic driver would 
drive her crazy ! 

Poor Miss Crane ! 
Poor Miss Euth I Poor 
Eeverend T. C. ! My 
heart bleeds for them 
— and yet they must 
remain perhaps for a 
full hour to come in 
that miserable condi- 
tion. But no — hark 
— that guttural sound 
which lilte a charm ar- 
rests every horee in 
Germany as soon as ut- 
tered — " Burr-r-r-r-r ! " 
The coach stops ; and looking out on her own side through the rain 
Miss Crane perceives a low dingy door, over which by help of a lamp 
she discovers a white board, with some great black fowl painted on it, 
and a word underneath that to her English eyes suggests a difficulty in 
procuring fresh eggs. Whereas the Adler, instead of addling, hatches 




rorn's vARTATlor^. 



THE SCHOOLMISTBESS ABROAD. 220 

brood after brood every year, till the number is quite wonderful, of little 
red and black eagles. 

However, the Royal Bird receives the distressed travellers under its 
wing ; but my pen, though a steel one, shrinks from the labour of 
scrambling and hoisting them from the Lobn Kutsch into the Gast Haus. 

In plump, there they are — in the best inn's best room, yet not a whit 
preferable to the last chamber that lodged the " great Villiers." But 
hark, they whisper. 

Gracious powers ! Ruth ! ) 

Gracious powers! Priscilla! j ^^''^ ^ wretched hole! 




O LIST UNTO ilY TALE OF WOE ! 



CHArTER IX, 



I TAKE it for granted that no English traveller would willingly lay up 
— unless particularly inndisposed — at an Inn. Still loss at a German 
one ; and least of all at a Prussian public-house, in a rather private 
Prussian village. To be far from well, and far from well lodged — to be 
ill, and ill attended — to be poorly, and poorly fed — to be in a bad way, 
and a bad bed — But let us pull up, with ideal reins, an imaginary nag, 
at such an outlandish Hostelrie, and take a peep at its " Entertainment 
for Man and Horse." 

Bur-r-r-r-r-rrrr ! 

The nag stops as if charmed — and as cool and comfortable as a 
cucumber — at least till it is peppered — for your German is so tender 
of his beast that he would hardly allow his greyhound to turn a hair — 

Now then, for a shout ; and remember that in Kleinewiukel, it will 
serve just as well to cry " Boxkeeper ! " as " Ostler ! " but look, there is 
some one coming from the inn-door. 

'Tis Katchen herself — with her bare head, her bright blue gown, her 
scarlet apron — and a huge rye loaf under her left arm. Her right hand 
grasps a knife. How plump and pleasant she looks ! and how kindly 
she smiles at every body, including the horse ! But see — she stops, 
and shifts the position of the loaf. She presses it — as if to sweeten its 
sourness — against her soft palpitating bosom, the very hemisphere that 
holds her maiden heart. And now she begins to cut — or rather haggle 
— for the knife is blunt, and the bread is hard ; but she works with 
good will, and still hugging the loaf closer and closer to her comely self, 



330 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABKOAD. 




nKADS OF THE SAXONS. 



at last severs a liberal slice from the mass. Nor is she content to 
merely give it to her client, but holds it out with her own hand to be 
eaten, till the last morsel is taken from among her ruddy fingers by the 
lips of a sweet little chubby urchin ? — no — of our big, bony iron- 
gray post-horse ! 

Now then, Courteous Eeader, let us step into the Stube, or Travellers' 
Room ; and survey the fare and the accommodation prepared for us 

bipeds. Look at that bare floor 
— and that dreary stove — and 
those smoky dingy walls — and 
for a night's lodging, yonder 
wooden trough — far less desir- 
able than a shake-down of clean 
straw. 

Then for the victualling, pray 
taste that Pythagorean soup — 
and that drowned beef — and 
the rotten pickle-cabbage — and those terrible Hog-Cartridges — and that 
lump of white soap, flavoured with caraways, alias ewe-milk cheese — 

And now just sip that Essigberger, sharp and sour enough to provoke 
the " dura ilia Messorum " into an Iliac Passion — and the terebinthine 
Krug Bier ! Would you not rather dine at the cheapest ordinary at one, 
with all its niceties and nastities, plain cooked in a London cellar? 
And for a night's rest would you not sooner seek a bed in the Bedford 
Nursery? So much for the " Entertainment for Man and Horse " — a 
clear proof, ay, as clear as the Author's own proof, with the date under 

his own hand ■ 

Of what, sir? 

Why that Dean Swift's visit to Germany — if ever he did visit 
Germany — must have been prior to his inditing the Fourth Voyage of 
Captain Lemuel Gulliver, — namely to the Land of the Houyhnhnms 
and the Yahoos, where the horses were better boarded and lodged than 
mankind. 



CHAPTER X. 

To return to the afflicted trio — the horrified Miss Crane, the desolate 
Ruth, and the writhing Reverend T. C. — in the small, sordid, smoky, 
dark, dingy, dirty, musty, fusty, dusty best room at the Adler. The 
most miserable " party in a parlour " 

" 'Tw'as their own faults ! " exclaims a shadowy Personage, with 
peculiarly hard features — and yet not harder than they need to be, 
considering against how many things, and how violently she sets her 
face. But when did Prejudice ever look prepossessing? Never — 
since the French wore shoes a la Dryade! 

" 'Twas their own faults," she cries, "for going abroad. Why 
couldn't tliey stay comfortably at home, at Laburnam House?" 

" Lebanon, ma'am." 



THE SCHOOLMISTBESS ABROAD. 



231 



" Well, Lebanon. Or they might have gone up the Wye, or up the 
Thames. I hate the Rhine. What business had they in Prussia? 
And of course they went through Holland. I hate flats ! " 

" Nevertheless, madam, I have visited each of those countries, and 
liave found much to admire in both. For example " 

" Oh, pray don't ! I hate to hear you say so. I hate every body 
■who doesn't hate every thing foreign." 

" Possibly, madam, you have never been abroad?" 

" Oh, yes ! I once went over to Calais^and have hated myself ever 
since. I hate the Continent ! " 

"For what reason, madam ?" 

" Pshaw ! I hate to give reasons. I hate the Continent — because 
it's so large." 

" Then you would, perhaps, like one of the Hebrides ?" 

" No — I hate the Scotch. But what has that to do wilh your 
Schoolmistresa abroad ? — I 
hate governesses — and her 
Eeverend sick father with his 
ridiculous spasms — I hate 
Dissenters — They're not High 
Church." 

" Nay, my dear madam, you 
are getting a little uncharit- 
able." 

" Charity ! I hate its name. 
It's a mere shield thrown over 
hateful people. How are we 
to love those we like properly, 
if we don't hate the others ? 
As the Corsair says. 

'My very love to thee is hate to 
them.' 




BRIDGE or 5IGUS. 



But I hate Byron. 

" As a man, ma'am, or as an author?" 

" Both. But I hate all authors — except Dr. Johnson." 

" True — he liked ' a good hater.' " 

"Well, sir, and if he did! He was quite in the right, and I hate 
that Lord Chesterfield for quizzing him. But he was only a Lord 
among wits. Oh, how I hate the aristocracy ! " 

" You do, madam ! " 

" Yes — they have such prejudices. And then they're so fond of 
going abroad. Nothing but going to Paris, Rome, Naples, Old 
Jerusalem, and New York — I hate the Americans — don't you ?" 

" Wliy, really, madam, your superior discernment and nice taste may 
discover national bad qualities that escape less vigilant observers." 

" Phoo, phoo — I hate flummery. You know as well as I do what r.ii 
American is called — and if there's one name I hate more than another. 



332 



THE SOHOOLMISTEESS ABROAD. 



it's Jonathan. But to go back to Germany, aild those that go there 
Talk of Pilgrims of the Khine ! — I hate that Bulwer. Yes, they set out, 
indeed, like Pilgrim's Progress, and see Lions and Beautiful Houses, 
and want Interpreters, and spy at Delectable Mountains — but there it 
ends ; for what with queer caps and outlandish blouses — I hate smock- 
frocks — they come back hardly like Christians. There's my own 
husband, Mr. P. — I quite hate to see him ! " 
" Indeed ! " 

" Yes — I hate to cast my eyes on him. He hasn't had his hair cut 
these twelvemonths — I hate long hair — and when he shaves he leaves 
two little black tails on his upper lip, and another on his chin, as if he 
was real ermine." 

" A moustache, madam, is in fashion." 

" Yes, and a beard, too, like a Kabbi — but I hate Jews. And then 
Mr. P. has learnt to smoke — I hate smoke — I hate tobacco — and I hate 

to be called a Frow — and to 
be spun round and round till 
I am as sick as a dog — ^for I 
hate waltzing. Then don't 
he stink the whole house with 
decayed cabbage for his sour 
crout — I hate German cookery 
— and will have oiled melted 
butter because they can't help 
it abroad ? — and there's no- 
tliing so hateful as oiled but- 
ter. What next? Whj', he 
['pijl).//^ '■■fflf»<^'J»IMP\'' \ ^ won't drink my home-made 
\\\-mW' ]^^mSm\Jl wine— at least if I don't call 
\UMM;.' , ' \.^^mmm l' ^^ Hock, or Eude-something, 

and give it Lim in a green 

glass. I hate such nonsense. 

As for conversing, whatever we 

begin upon, if it's Harford- 

shire, he's sure to get at last 

1,0 the tiptop of Herring-Brightshine — I hate such rambling. But that's 

not half so hateful as his Monomanium." 

"His what, madam?" 

" Why his hankering so after suicide (I do hate Charlotte and 
Werter), that one can't indulge in the least tiff but he threatens to blow 
out his brains ! " 
"Seriously?" 

" Seriously, sir. I hate joking. And then there are his horrid 
noises ; for since he was in Germany he fancies that every body must 
be musical — I hate such wholesale notions — and so sings all day long, 
without a good note in his voice. So much for Foreign Touring ! But 
pray go on, sir, with the story of your Schoolmistress Abroad. I hate 
suspense." 




CAVALIERS AND ROUNDUEADS. 



THE SCHOCIMISTEESS ABKOAD. 



233 



CHAPTER XI 

Now the exclamation of Miss Crane — " Gracious heavens, Ruth, what 
a wretched hole ! " — was not a single horse-power too strong for the 
occasion. Her first glance round the squalid room at the Adler con- 
vinced her that whatever might be the geographical distance on the 
map, she was morally two hundred and thirty-seven thousand miles 
from Home. That is to say, it was about as distant as the Earth from 
the Moon. And truly had 
she been transferred, no 
matter how, to that Planet, 
TOth its no-atmosphere, she 
could not have been more 
out of her element. In 
fact, she felt for some mo- 
ments as if she must sink 
on the floor — just as some 
delicate flower, transplanted 
into a strange soil, gives 
way in every green fibre, 
and droops to the mould in 
a vegetable fainting-fit, from 
which only time and the 
watering-pot can recover it. 

Her younger sister, Miss 
Piuth, was somewhat less 
disconcerted. She had by 
her position the greater 
share in the active duties 
at Lebanon House : and 
under ordinary circumstan- 
ces, would not have been 

utterly at a loss what to do for the comfort or relief of her parent. 
But in every direction in which her instinct and habits would have 
prompted her to look, the materials she sought were deficient. There 
was no easy-chair — no fire to wheel it to — no cushion to shake up — no 
cupboard to go to — no female friend to consult — no Miss Parfitt — no 
Cook — no John to send for the Doctor. No English — no French — 
nothing but that dreadful " Gefallig " or " Ja Wohl " — and the equally 
incomprehensible " Guadige Frau ! " 

As for the Reverend T. C, he sat twisting about on his hard wooden 
chair, groaning, and making ugly faces, as much from peevishness and 
impatience as from pain, and indeed sometimes plainly levelled his 
grimaces at the simple Germans who stood round, staring at him, it 
must be confessed, as unceremoniously as if he had been only a great 
fish, gasping and wriggling on dry land. 

In the mean time, his bewildered daughters held him one by the 




INN-CLEitEKCY. 



234 



THE SCHOOliMISTBESS ABROAD. 



right hand, the other by the left, and earnestly watched his changing 
countenance, unconsciously imitating some of its most violent con- 
tortions. It did no good, of course : but what else was to be done ? 
In fact, they were as much puzzled with their patient as a certain 
worthy tradesman, when a poor shattered creature on a shutter was 
carried into his Floor-cloth Manufactory by mistake for the Hospital. 
The only thing that occurred to either of the females was to oppose 
every motion he made, — for fear it should he wrong, and accordingly 
whenever he attempted to lean towards the right side, they invariably 
bent him as much to the left. 

" Der Herr," said the German coachman, turning towards Miss 
Priscilla, with his pipe hanging from his teeth, and venting a puff of 
smoke that made her recoil three steps 
backward — " Der Herr ist sehr krank." 

The last word had occurred so frequently, 
on the organ of the Schoolmistress, that it 
had acquired in her mind some important 
significance. 

"Euth, what is krank?" 
" How should I know ! " retorted Ruth, 
with an asperity apt to accompany intense 
excitement and perplexity. " In English, 
it's a thing that helps to pull the bell. But 
look at papa — do help to support him — 
you're good for nothing." 

"I am indeed," murmured poor Miss 
Priscilla, with a gentle shake of her head, 
and a low, slow, sigh of acquiescence. Alas ! 
as she ran over the catalogue of her accom- 
plishments, the more she remembered what 
sTie could do for her sick parent, the more helpless and useless she ap- 
peared. For instance, she could have embroidered him a night-cap — 

Or netted him a silk purse — 

Or plaited him a guard-chairi — 

Or out him out a watch-paper — 

Or ornamented his braces with bead- work — 

Or embroidered his waistcoat — 

Or worked him a pair of slippers — 

Or open-worked his pocket-handkerchief. 

She could even — if such an operation would have been comforting or 
salutary — have rough-casted him with shell-work — 

Or coated him with red or black seals — 
Or encrusted him with blue alum — 
Or stuck him all over with coloured wafers — 
Or festooned him 

But alas ! alas ! alas ! what would it have availed her poor dear papa in 
the spasmodics, if she had even festooned him, from top to toe, with 
little rice-paper roses 1 




A STrrCH IN TIME. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABKOAB. 



235 




A BUROOMASTEE, 



CHAPTEE XII. 

" Mercy on me ! " 

[N.B. Not on Me, tlie Author, but on a little dwarfish " smooth- 
legged Bantam " of a woman, with a sharp nose, a shrewish mouth, 
and a pair of very active black 
eyes — and ■withal as brisk and 
bustling in her movements as 
any Partlet with ten chicks 
of her own, and six adopted 
ones from another hen.] 
\ " Mercy on me ! Why the 
poor gentleman -would die 
while them lumpish foreigners 
and his two great helpless 
daughters were looking on ! 
As for that Miss Priscilla — 
she's like a bom idiot. Fancy- 
work him, indeed ! I've no 
patience — as if with all her 
Berlin wools and patterns, 
she could fancy-work him into 
a picture of health. Why 
didn't she think of something 
comforting for his inside, in- 
stead of embellishing his out — something as would agree, in lieu of 
filagree, with his case ? A little good hot brandy-and-water with a grate of 
ginger, or some nice red-wine 
negus with nutmeg and toast 
— and then get him to bed, 
and send off for the doctor. 
I'Jl warrant, if I'd been there, 
I'd have unspasmed him in no 
time. I'd have whipped off 
his shoes and stockings, and 
had his poor feet in hot water 
afore he knew where he was." 

There can be no doubt, 
ma'am, of the warmth of your 
humanity. 

" Warmth ! it's every thing. 
I'd have just given him a 
touch of the warming-pan, and 
then smothered him in blan- 
kets. Stick him all over with 
little roses ! stuff and non- 
sense — stick him into his 
grave at once ! Miss Crane ? 




A EURGO.MI9TEES3, 



Miss Goose, rather. A poor helpless 



336 THE SCHOOLMISTBESS ABBQAD. 

Sawney ! I wonder what women come into the world for, if it 
isn't to be good nusses. For my part, if he had been my sick father, 
I'd have had him on his legs again in a jiffy — and then he might have 
got crusty with blue alum or whatever else he preferred." 

"But madam — " 

" Such perfect apathy ! Needlework and embroidery, forsooth ! " 

" But madam — " 

" To have a dying parent before her eyes — and think of nothing but 
trimming his jacket ! " 

" But—" 

" A pretty Schoolmistress, truly, to set such an example to the rising 
generation ! As if she couldn't have warmed him a soft flanning ! or 
given him a few Lavender Drops, or even got down a little real Turkey 
or calcined Henry." 

" Of course, madam — or a little Moxon. And in regard to Con- 
chology." 

"Conk what?" 

" Or as to Chronology. Could you have supplied the Patient with a 
few prominent dates ? " 

" Dates ! what those stony things — for a spasmodic stomach ! " 

'• Are you really at home in Arrowsmith ? " 

" You mean Arrow-root." 

" Are you an adept in Butler's Exercises ? " 

" What, drawing o' corks ? " 

" Could you critically examine him in his parts of speech — the 
rudiments of his native tongue ? " 

" To be sure I could. And if it was white and furry, there's fever." 

" Are you acquainted, madam, with Liudley Murray? " 

"Why no — I can't say I am. My own medical man is Mr. 
Prodgers." 

• " In short, could you prepare a mind for refined intellectual inter- 
course iu future life, with a strict attention to religious duties ? " 

" Prepare his mind — religious duties? — Phoo, phoo ! he waru't come 
to that ! " 

"Excuse me, I mean to ask, ma'am, whether you consider yourself 
competent to instruct Young Ladies in all those usual branches of 
knowledge and female accomplishments " 

" Me ! What, me keep a 'Cademy ! Why, I've hardly had any 
edecation myself, but- was accomplished in three quarters and a bit 
over. Lor bless you, sir ! I should be as much at sea, as a finishing- 
off Governess, as a bear in a boat ! " 

Exactly, madam. And just as helpless, useless, and powerless as you 
would be in a school-room, even so helpless, useless, and powerless was 
Miss Crane whenever she happened to be out of one. — Y''ea, as utterly 
flabbergasted when out of her own element, as a Jelly Fish on Brighton 
beach ! 



THE SCHOOLMISTBESS AEEOAD. 237 

CHAPTER XIII. 

Eelief at ast ! 

It was honest Hans the hired Coachman, with a glass of something 
m his hand, which after a nod towards the Invalid, to signify the 
destination of the dose, he held out to Miss Priscilla, at the same time 
uttering certain guttiu'als, as if asking her approval of the prescription. 

" Ruth — what is Snaps ? " 

" Take it and smell it," replied Miss Rutli, still with some asperity, 
as if annoyed at the imbecility of her senior : but secretly worried by 
her own deficiency in the tongues. The truth is, that the native who 
taught French with the Parisian accent at Lebanon House, the Italian 




THE NICK OF TIME. 



Mistress in the Prospectus, and Miss Ruth who professed English 
Grammar and Poetry, were all one and the same person : not to name 
a lady, not so distinctly put forward, who was supposed to know a little 
of the language which is spoken at Berlin. Hence her annoyance. 

" I think," said Miss Priscilla, holding the wine-glass at a discreet 
distance from her nose, and rather prudishly sniffing the liquor, " it 
appears to me that it is some sort of foreign G." 

So saying, she prepared to return the dram to the kindly Kutscher, 
but her professional delicacy instinctively shrinking from too intimate 
contact with the hand of the strange man, she contrived to let go of the 
glass a second or two before he got hold of it, and the Schnaps fell, 
with a crash, to the ground. The introduction of the cordial had, 
however, served to direct the mind of Miss Ruth to the propriety of 
procuring some refreshment for the sufferer. He certainly ought to 
have something, she said, for he was getting quite faint. What the 
something ought to be was a question of more difficulty — but the 
scholastic memory of Miss Priscilla at last supplied a suggestion. 

" What do you think, Ruth, of a little horehound tea ? " 

" Well, ask for it," replied Miss Ruth, not indeed from any faith in 
the efficacy of the article, but because it was as likely to be obtained for 
the asking for — in English — as anything else. And truly, when Miss 
Crane made the experiment, the Germans, one and all, man and woman, 



338 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



shook thoir heads at the remedy, but seemed unanimously to recora- 
mend a certain something else. 
" Euth — what is forstend nix ? " 
But Euth was silent. 

" They all appear to think very highly of it, however," continued 
Miss Prisoilla, " and I should like to know where to find it." 

" It will be in the kitchen, if any where," said Miss Ruth, while the 

Invalid — whether from a 
fresh access of pain, or 
only at the tantalizing 
nature of the discussion 
— gave a low groan. 

" My poor dear papa ! 
He will sink — he will 
perish from exhaustion ! " 
exclaimed the terrified 
Miss Priscilla ; and with 
a desperate resolution, 
quite foreign to her na- 
ture, she volunteered on 
the forlorn hope, and 
snatching up a candle, 
made her way without 
thinking of the impro- 
priety into the strange 
kitchen. The House- 
wife and her maid slowly 
followed the Schoolmis- 
tress, and whether from 
national phlegm or in- 
tense curiosity, or both together, offered neither help nor hinderance to 
the foreign lady, but stood by, and looked on at her operations. 

And here be it noted, in order to properly estimate the difficulties 
which lay in her path, that the Governess had no distinct recollection 
of having ever been in a kitchen in the course of her life. It was a 
Terra Incognita — a place of which she literally knew less than of Japan. 
Indeed, the laws, customs, ceremonies, mysteries, and utensils of the 
kitchen were more strange to her than those of the Chinese. For 
aught she knew the Cook herself was the dresser; and a rolling-pin 
might have a head at one end and a sharp point at the other. The 
Jack, according to Natural History, was a fish. The flour-tub, as 
Botany suggested, might contain an Orange-tree, and the range might 
be that of the Barometer. As to the culinary works, iu which almost 
every female dabbles, she had never dipped into one of them, and knew 
no more how to boil an egg than if she had been the Hen that laid it, 
or the Code that cackled over it. Still a natural turn for the art, backed 
by a good bright fire, might have surmounted her rawness. 

But Miss Crane was none of those natural geniuses in the art who can 




'FOR BETTER OR WORSE. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 239 

extemporize Flint Broth — and toss up something out of nothing at the 
shortest notice. It is doubtful if, with the whole Midsummer holidays 
before her, she could successfully have undertaken a pancake — or have 
got up even a hasty-pudding without a quarter's notice. For once, 
however, she was impelled by the painful exigency of the hour to test 
her ability, and finding certain ingredients to her hand, and subjecting 
them to the best or simplest process that occurred to her, in due time 
she returned, cup in hand, to the sick room, and proffered to her poor 
dear papa the result of her first maiden effort in cookery. 

" What is it '? " asked Ruth, naturally curious, as well as anxious as 
to the nature of so novel an experiment. 

" Pah ! puh ! poof — phew ! chut ! " spluttered the Reverend T. C, 
unceremoniously getting rid of tlie first spoonful of the mixture. It's 
paste — common paste I " 

CHAPTER XIV. 

Poor Miss Crane ! 

The failure of her first little culinary experiment reduced her again 
to despair. If there be not already a Statue of Disappointment, she 
would have served for its model. It would have melted an Iron Master 
to have seen her with her eyes fixed intently on the unfortunate cup of 
paste, as if asking herself, mentally, was it possible that what she had 
prepared with such pains for the refreshment of a sick parent, was only 
fit for what ? — Why, for tbe false tin stomach of a healthy bill sticker ! 

Dearly as she rated her professional accomplishments and acquire- 
ments, I verily believe that at that cruel moment she would have given 
up all her consummate skill in Fancy Work, to have known how to 
make a basin of gruel ! Proud as she was of her embroidery, she 
would have exchanged her cunning in it for that of the plainest cook, — 
for oh ! of what avail her Tent Stitch, Chain Stitch, German Stitch, or 
Satin Stitch, to relieve or soothe a suffering father, afflicted with back 
stitch, front stitch, side stitch, and cross stitch into the bargain? 

Nay, of what use was her solider knowledge ? — for example, in 
Histoiy, Geography, Botany, Conchology, Geology, and Astronomy ? 
Of what effect was it that she knew the scientific names for coal and 
slate, — or what comfort that she could tell him how many stars there 
are in Cassiopeia's Chair wliilst he was twisting with agony on a hard 
wooden one ? 

" It's no use talking ! " exclaimed Miss Ruth, after a long silence, 
" we must have medical advice ! " 

But how to obtain it? To call in even an apothecary, one must call 
in his own language, and the two sisters between them did not possess 
German enough, High or Low, to call for a Doctor's boy. The hint, 
however, was not lost on the Reverend T. C, who, with a perversity 
not unusual, seemed to think that he could diminish his own sufferings 
by inflicting pain on those about him. Accordingly, he no sooner over- 
heard the wish for a Doctor, than with renewed meanings and con- 



S40 



THE SOnOOLMISTEESS ABROAD. 



toi'tions he muttered the name of a drug that he felt sure would relieve 
him. But the physio was as difficult to procure as the physician. In 
vain Miss Ruth turned in succession to the Host, the Hostess, the 
Maid, the Waiter, and Hans the Coachman, and to each, separately, 
repeated the -word " Ru-bub." The Host, the Hostess, the Maid, the 
Waiter, and Hans the Coachman, only shook their heads in concert, 
and uttered in chorus the old " forstend nicht." 

" Oh, I do wish," exclaimed Miss Crane, with a tone and a gesture of 
the keenest self-reproach, " how I do wish that I had brought Buchan's 
Domestic Medicine abroad with me, instead of Thomson's Seasons ! " 

"And of what use would that have been without the medicine-chest?" 
asked Miss Ruth ; "for I don't pretend to write prescriptions in German." 

" That's very true," said Miss Crane, with a long deep sigh — whilst 
the sick man, from pain or wilfulness, Heaven alone knew which — gave 
a groan, so terrific that it startled even the phlegmatic Germans. 

" My papa I — my poor dear papa ! " shrieked the agitated governess ; 
and with some confused notions of a fainting-fit — for be had closed his 
eyes, — and still conscious of a cup in her hand, though not of its 
contents, she chucked the paste- — that twice unfortunate paste ! — into 
the face of her beloved parent ! 



CHAPTER XV 

" And serve him right, too ! " cries the little smart bantamlike 
woman already introduced to the Courteous Reader. "An old good-for- 
nothing ! to sham worse 
than he was, and play 
on the tender feelings of 
two affectionate daugh- 
ters ! I'd have pasted 
him myself if he had 
been fifty fathers ! Not 
tliat I think a bit the 
better of that Miss 
Crane, who after all, did 
not do it on purpose. 
She's as great a gawky as 
ever. To think with all 
her schooling she couldn't 
get a doctor fetched for 
the old gentleman ! " 
" But, my dear madam, she was ignorant of the language." 
" Ignorant of fiddlesticks ! How do the deaf and dumb people do? 
If she couldn't talk to the Germans she might have made signs." 

Impossible ! Pray remember that Miss Crane was a schoolmistress, 
and of the ancien regime, in whose code all face-making, posturing, and 
gesticulations, were high crimes and misdemeanors. Many a little Miss 




THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



24] 




"•^m 



Zmz^^ 



'^^^^^S 



TALES FROSt THE GERMAN, 



Gubbins or Miss Wiggins sbe had punished with an extra task, if not 
with the rod itself, for nodding, winking, or talking with their fingers ; 
and is it likely that she would perso- 
nally have had recourse to signs and 
signals for which she had punished her 
pupils with such severity ? Do you 
think that with her rigid notions of pro- 
priety, and her figure, she would ever 
have stooped to what she would have 
called buffoonery ? 

" Why to be sure, if you haven't high- 
coloured her picture she is starched and 
frumpish enough, and only fit for a place 
among the wax-work ! " 

And besides, supposing physiogno- 
mical expression as well as gesticulation 
to be included in sign-making, this 
Silent Art requires study and practice, 
and a peculiar talent ! Pray did you ever see Gvimaldi ? 

" What, Joey ? Did I ever see Lonnon ! Did I ever go to the 
Wells ! " 

rare Joe Grimaldi ! Great as was my admiration of the genius of 
that inimitable clown, never, never did it rise to its true pitch till I had 
been cast all abroad in a foreign country without any knowledge of its 
language ! To the richness of his fun— to his wonderful agility — to his 
unique singing and his grotesque 
dancing, I perhaps had done ample 
justice — but never, till I had broken 
down in fifty pantomimioal attempts 
of my own — nay, in twice fifty ex- 
periments in dumb show — did I 
properly appreciate his extraordi- 
nary power of making himself un- 
derstood without being on speaking 
terms with his company. His per- 
formance was never, like n:inp, an 
Acted Eiddle. A living Telegraph, 
he never failed in conveying his 
intelligence, but signalled it with 
such distinctness, that his meaning was visible to the dullest cnpacity. 

" And your own attempts in the line, sir? " 

Utter failures. Often and often have I gone through as many 
physical manoeuvres as the Englishman in " Rabelais," who argued by 
signs; but constantly without explaining my meaning, and consequently 
.without obtaining my object. From all which, my dear madam, I 
have derived this moral, that he who visits a foreign country, without 
knowing the language, ought to be prepared beforehand either to act 
like a Clown, or to look like a Fool. 

BECOND SERIES. o 




THE JUGCLER, 



842 



THE SCHOOLMISTEESS ABROAD. 



CHAPTER XVI. 



It was a good-natured act of honest Hans the Coachman — and 
especially after the treatment of his Schnapps — but seeing the 
Englishers at a dead look, and partly guessing at the cause of their 
distress — he quietly went to the stable, saddled one of his own horses, 
and rode off in quest of a medical man. Luckily he soon met with the 
personage ho wanted, whom with great satisfaction he ushered into the 
little, dim, dirty parlour at the Black Eagle, and introduced, as well as 
he could, to the Foieigiiers in Distress. 

Now the Pliysician who regularly visited at Lebanon House was, of 
course, one of the old school ; and in correctness of costume and pro- 
fessional formality was scarcely inferior to the immaculate lady who 
presiiled over that establishment. There was no mistaldng him, like 
some modern practitioners, for a merchant or a man about town. He 
was as carefully made up as a prescription — and between the customary 
sables, and a Chesterfieldian courtesy, appeared as a Doctor of the old 
scliool always used to do — like a piece of sticking-plaster — black, 
polished, and healing. 

Judge then of the horror and amazement of the Schoolmistress, 
when she saw before her a great clumsy-built M.D., enveloped in a 

huge gray cloak, with a cape that foil 
below his elbows, and his head covered 
with what she had always understood 
was a jockey-cap ! 

" Gracious Heaven ! — why, he's a 
horse- doctor ! " 

"Doctor? — ^ja wohl,'" said Hans, 
with a score of affirmative little nods; 
and then he added the professional 
grade of the party, which happened to 
be one of a most uncouth sound to an 
English ear. 

" Ruth, what's a medicine rat 1 " 
" Lord knows," answered Miss Ruth, 
" the language is as barbarous as the 
people ! " 

In the mean time the Medicin Rath 
threw off his huge cloak and displayed 
a costume equally at variance with 
Miss Crane's notions of the proper 
uniform of his order. No black coat, 
no black smalls, no black silk stockings 
— why, any undertaker in London 
would have looked more like a doctor ! 
liis coat was a bright brown frock, bis waistcoat as gay and variegated 
as her own favourite paittrre of larkspurs, and bis trowsers of plum 




TUB ViglO.V OF DON RODERICK. 



THE SGHOOLMISTEESS ABROAD. 343 

colour ! Of her own accord she would not have called him in to a 
juvenile chicken-pock or a nettlerash — and there he was to treat full- 
grown spasms in an adult ! 

"Je suis medeciu, monsieur, a votre service,'' said the stranger, in 
French more guttural than nasal, and with a bow to the sick gentleman. 

" Mais, docteur," hastily interposed Miss Ruth, " vous etes un 
docteur a cheval." 

This translation of " horse-doctor " being perfectlj' unintelligible to 
the German, he again addressed himself to his patient, and proceeded 
to feel his pulse. 

" Papa is subject to spasms in his chest," explained Miss Crane. 

"Pshaw — nonsense !" whined the Eeverend T. C, "they're in my 
stomach." 

" They're in his stomach," repeated Miss Crane, delicately laying her 
own hand, by way of explanation, on her sternum. 

" Monsieur a mange du diner ? " 

" Only a little beef," said Miss Crane, who " understood " French, but 
" did not speak it." 

" Seulement un petit bceuf," translated Miss Ruth, who spoke 
French, but did not understand it. 

" Oui — c'est une indigestion, sans doute," said the Doctor. 



CHAPTER XVII. 

Habiv! 

" It's shameful ! abominable ! atrocious ! It's a skit on all tlie 
schoolmistresses — a wicked libel on the whole profession! " 

But my dear Mrs. 

" Don't ' dear ' me, sir ! I consider mj'self personally insulted. 
"Manger un petty boof! As if a governess couldn't speak better 
French than that! Why, it means eating a little bullock! " 

Precisely. Been/, singular, masculine, a bullock or ox. 

" Ridiculous ! And from one of the heads of a seminary! Why, sir, 
not to speak of myself or the teachers, I have a pupil at Prospect 
House, and only twelve years of age, who speaks French like a native." 

Of where, madam ? 

"Of where, sir? — why, of all France, to be sure, and Paris in 
particular ! " 

And with the true accent ? 

"Yes, sir, with all the accents — sharp, grave, and circumbendibus — 
I should have said circumflex, but you have put me in a fluster. 
French ! why it's the comer-stone of female education. It's universal, 
sir, from her ladyship down to her cook. We could neither dress our- 
selves nor our dinners without it! And that the Miss Cranes know 
French I am morally certain, for I have seen it in their Prospectus." ; 

No doubt of it, madam. But you are of course aware that there are 
two sorts — French French and English French — and which are as 
different in quality as the foreign Cognac and the British Brandy. 

r2 



214 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



" I know nothing about ardent spirits, sir. And as to tlie French 
language, I am acquainted with only one sort, and that is what is 
taught at Prospect House — at three guineas a quarter.'' 

And do all your young ladies, ma'am, 
turn out such proficients in the language 
as the prodigy you have just mentioned? 

"Proficient, sir? — they oan't help it in 
my establishment. Let me see — there's 
Chambaud on Mondays — Wanostrocht on 
Wednesdays — Telemaque on Fridays, and 
the French mark every day in the week." 
Madam, I have, no doubt of the excel- 
lence of your system. Nevertheless it is 
quite true that the younger Miss Crane 
made use of the very phrase which I have 
quoted. And what is more, when the 
Doctor called on bis patient the next morn- 
ing, he was treated with quite as bad 
language. For example, when he in- 
quired after her papa — 
" II est tres mauvais," replied Miss Kuth with a desponding shake of 
her head. " II a avale son medeoin — et il n'est pas mieux." 




■WUKSTORISE. 



CHAPTER XVIII, 

To return to the sick chambei". 

Imagine the Rev. T. C. still sitting and moaning in his uneasy chair, 
the disconsolate Miss Crane helplessly watching the parental grimaces, 
and the perplexed Miss Ruth standing in a brown study, with her eyes 
intently fixed on a sort of overgrown child's crib, which occupied one 
dark corner of the dingy apartment. 

"It's very well," she muttered to herself, "for a foreign doctor to 
say ' laissez le coucher,' but where is he to coiicher ? " Not surely in 
that little crib of a thing, which will only add the cramp in his poor 
legs to the spasms in his poor stomach ! The Mother of Invention was 
however at her elbow, to suggest an expedient, and in a trice the 
bedding was dragged from the bedstead and spread upon the floor. 
During this manoeuvre Miss Crane of course only looked on : she had 
never in her life made a bed, even in the regular way, and the touzling 
of a shakedown on the bare boards was far too Margery Dawish an 
operation for her precise nature to be concerned in. Moreover, her 
thoughts were fully occupied by a question infallibly associated with a 
strange bed, namely, whether it had been aired. A speculation which 
had already occurred to her sister, but whose more practical mind was 
busy in contriving how to get at the warming-pan. But in vain she 
asked for it by name of every German, male or female, in the room, 
and as vainly she sought for the utensil in the inn kitchen, and quite 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



246 



as vainly might she have hunted for it throughout the village, seeing 
that no such article had ever been met with by the oldest inhabitant. 
As a last resource she caught up a -walking-stick, and thrusting one end 





CLRII^ N CAPTIVATIOS. 



' CIIUKCH ARCHITECTURE." — A GERMAN WORK. 



under the blanket, endeavoured pantomimically to imitate a chamber- 
maid in the act of warming a bed. But alas ! she " took nothing by her 
motion " — the Germans only turned towards each other, and shrugging 
their shoulders and grinning, remarked in their own tongue, "What 
droll people they were those Englishers ! " 

The sensitive imagination of Miss Crane had in the interim conjured 
up new and more delicate difficulties and necessities, amongst which the 
services of a chamberlain were not the least urgent, " Who was to put 
her papa to bed? Who was to undress him?" But from this 
perplexity she vras unexpectedly delivered by that humble friend in need, 
honest Hans, who no sooner saw the bed free from the walking-stick, 
than without any bidding, and in spite of the resistance of the patient, 
he fairly stripped him to his shirt, and then taking him up in his arms, 
like a baby, deposited him, willy nilly, in the nest that had been 
prepared for him. 

The females, during the first of these operations, retired to the 
kitchen — but not without a certain order in their going. Miss Crane 
went off simultaneously with the coat, her sister with the waistcoat, and 
the hostess and the maid with the small clothes and the shoes and 
stockings. And when, after a due and decent interval, the two gover- 
nesses returned to the sick chamber — for both had resolved on sitting 
up with the invalid — lo! there lay the Reverend T. C, regularly 
littered down by the coachman with a truss of clean straw to eke out the 
bedding, — no longer writhing or moaning, but between surprise and 
anger as still and silent as if his groans had been astonished away like 
the " hiccups ! " 

You may take a horse to the water, however, but you cannot make 



846 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABBOAD. 



him drink, — and evea thus, the sick man, though bedded perforce, 
refused obstinately to go to sleep. 

" Et monsieur a bien dormi ? " inc[uired the German doctor the next 
morning. 

"Pas un — " begun Miss Crane, but she ran aground for the next 
Tvord, and was obliged to appeal to the linguist of Lebanon House. 

" Ruth — what's a wink ? " 

" I don't know," replied Miss Eutb, who was absorbed in some active 
process. " Do it with your eye." 

The idea of winking at a strange gentleman was however so obnoxious 
to all the schoolmistress's notions of propriety that she at once resigned 
the explanation to her sister, who accordingly informed the physician 
that her "pauvre pere n'avoit pas dormi un mor5eau toute la nuit 
longue." 



CHAPTEE XIX. 

'' Biop, sir ! Pray change the subject. By your leave we have had 
quite enough of bad French." 

As you please, madam — and as the greatest change I can devise, 
you shall now have a little bad Enghsh. Please, then, lend your 

attention to Monsieur De Bourg — the 
subject of his discourse ought indeed to 
be of some interest to you, namely, the 
education of your own sex in your own 
country. 

" Well, sir, and what does he say of 
it?" 

Listen, and you shall hear. Proceed, 
Monsieur. 

" Sare, I shall tell you my impressions 
when I am come firet from Paris to Lon- 
don. De English Ladies, I say to my- 
self, must be de most best educate women 
in de whole world. Dere is schools for 
dem every wheres — in a hole and in a 
corner. Let me take some walks in de 
Fauxbourgs, and what do I see all round myself ? When I look dis way 
I see on a white house's front a large bord wid some gilded letters, 
which say Seminary for Young Ladies. When I look dat way, at a big 
red house, I see anoder bord which say Establishment for Youug 
Ijadies by Miss Someones. And when I look up at a little house, at a 
little windovi', over a barber-shop, I read on a paper Ladies School. 
Den I see Prospect House, and Grove House, and de Manor House — 
so many I cannot call dem names, and also all schools for de young 
females. Day Schools besides. And in my walks, always I meet 
some Schools of Young Ladies, eight, nine, ten times in one day, 
making dere promenades, two and two and two. Den I come home to 




THE GLRMAN MUSH. 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 847 

my lodging's door, and below the knocker I see one letter — I open it, 
and I find a Prospectus of a Lady School. By and bye I say to my 
landlady, where is your oldest of daughters, which used to bring to me 
my breakfast, and she tell me she is gone out a governess. Next she 
notice me I must quit my appartement. What for ? — I say. What have 
I done ? Do I not pay you all right like a weekly man of honour? 
certainly, mounseer, she say, you are a gentleman quite, and no 
mistakes — ^but I wants my whole of my house to myself for to set it up 
for a Lady School. Noting but Lady Schools ! — and de widow of de 
butcher have one more over de street. Bless my soul and my body, I 
say to myself, dere must be nobody born'd in London except leetle 
girls ! " 



CHAPTEK XX. 

There is a certain poor word in the English language which of late 
years has been exceedingly ill-used — and, it must be said, by those who 
ought to have known better. 

To the disgrace of our colleges, the word in question was first 
perverted from its real significance at the very head-quarters of 
learning. The initiated, indeed, are aware of its local sense, — but who 
knows what cost and inconvenience the duplicity of tlie term may have 
caused to tlie more ignorant members of the community ? Just 
imagine, for instance, a plain, downright Englishman who calls a spade 
a spade, — induced perhaps by the facilities of the railroads — making a 
summer holiday, and repairing to Cambridge or Oxford, may be with 
his whole family, to see he does not exactly know what — whether 
a Collection of Pictures, AVax-Worlc, Wild Beasts, Wild Indians, a Fat 
Ox, or a Fat Child — but at any rate an " Exliiiitionl " 

Moi'e recently the members of the faculty have taken it into their 
heads to misuse the unfortunate word, and by help of its misapplication, 
are continually promising to the ear what the druggists really perform 
to the eye — namely, to " exhibit " their medicines. If the Doctors 
talked of hiding them, the phrase would be more germane to the act: 
for it would be difficult to conceal a little Pulv. Rhei — Magnes. 
sulphat. — or tinct. jalapiB, more effectually than by throwing it into a 
man's or woman's stomach. And pity it is tliat the term has not 
amongst medical men a more literal significance ; for it is certain that 
in many diseases, and especially of the hypochondriac class — it is 
certain, I say, that if the practitioner actually made " a show " of his 
materiel, the patient would recover at the mere sight of the 
"Exhibition." 

This was precisely the case with the Pi,ev. T. C. Had he fallen into 
the hands of a Homoeopathist with his infinitesimal doses, only fit to be 
exhibited like the infinitesimal insects through a solar microscope, his 
recovery would have been hopeless. But his better fortune provided 
otherwise. The German JMedecin Rath, who prescribed for him, was 



248 



THE SCHOOLMISTRESS ABROAD. 



in theory diametrically opposed to Hahnemann, and in his tactics he 
followed Napoleon, whose leading principle was to bring masses of all 
arms, horse, foot, and artillery to bear on a given point. In accordance 




THE BATTLE OF RArCHEN. 



with this system, he therefore prescribed so liberally that the following 
articles were in a very short time comprised in his " Exhibition : " 

A series of powders to be taken every two hours. 

A set of draughts to wash down the powders. 

A box of pills. 

A bag full of certain herbs for fomentations. 

A large blister, to be put between the shoulders. 

Twenty leeches, to be applied to the stomach. 

As Macheath sings, " a terrible show ! " — but the doctor, in common 
with his countrymen, entertained some rather exaggerated notions as to 
English habits, and our general addiction to high feeding and fast 
living — an impression that materially aggravated the treatment. 

"He must be a horse-doctor! " thought Miss Crane, as she looked 
over the above articles ; at any rate she resolved — as if governed by the 
proportion of four legs to two — that her parent should only take one 
half of each dose that was ordered. But even these reduced quantities 
■were too much for the Rev. T. C. The first instalment he swallowed 
— the second he smelt, and the third he merely looked at. To tell the 
truth, he was fast transforming from a Malade Imaginaire into a 
Malade Malgre Lui. In short, the cure proceeded with the rapidity of 
a Hohenlohe miracle — a result the doctor did not fail to attribute to 
the energy of his measures, at the same time resolving that the next 



THE SCHOOLUISTEESS ABROAD. 



U9 



English patient he might catch should he subjected to the same 
decisive treatment. Heaven keep the half, three-quarters, and whole 
lengths of my dear countrymen and countrywomen from his 
"Exhibitions!" 

His third visit to the Englishers at the Adler was his last. He 
found the Convalescent in his travelling dress, — Miss Euth engaged in 
packing, — and the Schoolmistress writing the letter which was to 
prepare Miss Parfitt for the speedy return of the family party to 
Lebanon House. It was of course a busy time ; and the Medicin Rath 
speedily took his fees and his leave. 

There remained only the account to settle with the landlord of the 
Adler; and as English families rarely stopped at that wretched inn, the 
amount of the bill was quite as extraordinary. Never was there such a 
realisation of the " large reckoning in a little room." 

" Well, I must say,'' murmured the Schoolmistress, as the coach 
rumbled off towards home, " I do wish we had reached Gotha, that I 
might have got my shades of wool." 

" Humph ! " grunted the Rev. T. C, still sore from the recent 
disbursement. "They went out for wool, and they returned shorn." 

" We went abroad for pleasure," grumbled Miss Ruth, " and have 
met with nothing but pain and trouble." 

" And some instruction too," said Miss Crane, with even more than 
her usual gravity. " For my own part I have met with a lesson that has 
taught me my own unfitness for a Governess. For I cannot think that 
a style of education which has made me so helpless and useless as a 
daughter, can be the proper one for young females, ^^'ho are hereafter to 
become wives and mothers, a truth that every hour has impressed on 
mc since I have been a Schoolmistress Abroad." 




250 



NO! 

No suu — no moon ! 

No morn — no noon — 
No dawn — no dusk — no proper time of day — 

No sky — no earthly view — 

No distance looking blue — 
No road — no street — no " t'other side the way "— 

No end to any Row — 

No indications where the Crescents go- 
No top to any steeple — 
No recognitions of familiar people — 

No courtesies for showing 'em — 

No knowing 'em ! — 
No travelling at all — no locomotion, 
No inkling of the way — no notion — 

" No go " — by land or ocean — 

No mail — no post — 
No news from any foreign coast — 
No Park — no Ring — no afternoon gentility — 

No company — no nobility — 
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease, 

No comfortable feel in any member — 
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, 
No fruits, no flow'rs, no leaves, no birds, 

November ! 




RUNNING FOR THE 0AK5. 



251 




S-VlUSa ON TEMPEBiNCE PR1S0IPLE3. 



A SEA-TOTALLER 



" I XL tell you what it is," said the President of the Social Glassites, 
at the same time miKing a fresh tumbler of grog — rather stiffer than 
the last — for the subject of Temperance and Teetotalism had turned 
up, and he could not discuss it with dry lips — " I'll tell you what it is : 
Temperance is all very well, provided it's indulged in with moderation, 
and without injury to your health or business ; but when it sets a man 
spouting, and swaggering, and flag-carrying, and tea-gardening, and dress- 
ing himself up like a play-actor, why he might as well have his mind 
unsobered with anything else." 

" That's very true," said the Vice-president, — a gentleman with a 
remarkably red nose. 

" I have seen many Teetotal Processions," continued the President, 
" and I don't hesitate to say that every man and woman amongst them 
was more or less intoxicated — " 

" Eh, what ? " asked a member, hastily removing his cigar. 

" Yes, intoxicated, I say, with pride and vanity — what with the bands 
of music, and the banners, and the ribbons, and maybe one of their 
top-sawyers, with his white wand, swaggering along at their head, and 
looking quite convinced that because he hasn't made a Beast of himself 
he must be a Beauty. Instead of which, to my mind, there can't be a 
more pitiful sight than a great hulking fellow all covered with medals 
and orders, like a Lord Nelson, for only taking care of his own pre- 
cious health, and trying to live long in the land; and particularly if 
he's got a short neck and a full habit. Why, the Eoyal Humane 
Society might just as well make a procession of all the people who 
don't drink water to excess, instead of those objects that do, and 
with ribbons and medals round their neckSj for being their own life- 
preservers! " 



252 



A SEA-TOTALLEE. 




" That's very true," said the Vice. " I've seen a Master Graud of 
a Teetotaller with as many ornaments about him as a foreign prince ! " 
" Why, I once stopped my own grog," continued tlie President, " for 
twelve months together, of my own accord, because I was a little 
wheezy ; and yet never stuck even a snip of ribbon at my button-hole. 
But that's modest merit, — whereas a regular Temperance fellow would 
have put on a broad blue sash, as if he was a Knight of the Bath, and 
had drunk the bath all up instead of swimming in it." 
" That's very true," repeated the Vice. 

" Temperance is, no doubt, a virtue," said the President; " but it is 
not the only one; though, to judge by some of their Tracts and 

Speeches, you would think 
that because a Tolaller drinks 
Adam's ale he is as innocent 
as our first Parents in Para- 
dise, which, begging their par- 
dons, is altogether an error, 
and no mistake. Sin and 
strong drink are not born 
relations ; though they often 
come together. The first 
murderer in the world was a 
water-drinker, and when he 
killed his poor brother was as 
sober as a judge." 
"If that arn'ttrue,'' exclaimed the red-nosed Vice, "I'll be pounded! " 
"It was intemperance, however," said the President; "because why? 
It was indulging in ardent passions and fermented feelings, agin which, 
in my humble opinion, we ouglit to take Long and Short Pledges, as 
much, as agin spirituous liquors. Not to mention the strong things 
that come out of people's mouths, and are quite as deleterious as any 
that go into them — for e.\ample, profane swearing, and lying, and 
slandering, and foul language, and which, not to name names, are dealt 
in by parties who would not even look at Fine Old Pineapple Eum, or 
Cream of the Valley." 

"That's correct, anyhow," said the Vice; and he replenished his 
tumbler. 

" To be sure, Temperance has done wonders in Ireland," continued 
the President, " and to my mind, little short of a miracle — namely, 
repealing the Old Union of Whisky-and- Water, — and which would have . 
seemed a much tougher job than O'Connell's. However, Father 
Mathew has accomplished it, and instead of a Parliament in College 
Green, we are likely to see a far stranger sight, and that's a whole 
County of Cork without a bottle to it." 

" Humph ! " ejaculated the Vice, and took a liberal draught of his 
mixture. " But they'll take to party spirit in loo." 

"Like enough," said the President; " for when once we get accus- 
tomed to strong stimuluses, we find it hard to go without 'em ; and 



HOUGH RIDING. 



A SEA-TOTALLER. 253 

tliey do say, that many of those parties who have left off liquor, have 
taken to opium. But the greatest danger with new converts and pros- 
elytes, is of their rushing into another extreme — and that reminds me 
of a story to the point." 

" Now then," said the meniher with the cigar. 

" It was last September," said the President, " when I owned The 
Eose in June, and a sweet pretty craft she was. I had bought a lot of 
Hues and a trawling net along with her ; and besides cruising for 
pleasure, we used now and then to cast about for a bit of fresh fish 
for my missus, or by way of present to a friend. Well, one day, just 
below Gravesend, we had fished all the morning, but without any luclc 
at all, except one poor little skate that lay on the deck making faces at 
us like a dying Christian, first pouting out its lips, and then drawing 
them in again with a long suck of its breath, for all the world like a 
fellow creature with a stitch in the side, or a spasm in his chest. The 
next haul we got nothing but lots of mud, a bit of seaweed, a lump of 
coal, a rotten bung, and an old shoe. However, the third time the net 
felt heavy enough for a porpus, and sure enough on hauling it up to the 
top of the water, we saw some very large fish a-flopping about in it, 
quite as big as a grampus, only nothing like the species. Well, we 
pulled and hauled. Jack and I — (you remember Jack) — till we got the 
creature aboard over the bulwarks, and there it rolled on the deck, such 
a Sea Monster as never was seen afore nor since. It was full six feet 
long, with a round head like a man's, but bald, — though it had a beard 
and whiskers of sandy-coloured hair. We could not see the face, by 
reason of the creature always hiding it with its paws, which were like 
a man's hands, only with a sort of web between the fingers. All the 
upper part of the body was of a flesh or salmon colour down to the 
middle, where the skin became first bluer, and then greener and greener, 
as well as more rough and scaly, till the body forked off into two 
distinct fish's tails. 

" ' I'll tell you what, master,' says Jack Rogers, after taking a good 
look at the monster, and poking it about a bit with a handspike, ' I'm 
blest if it isn't a Cock Mermaid ! ' " 

" No doubt of it," said the Vice. 

" To tell the truth," said the President, " I had the same thought 
ia my head, but was afraid to name it, because such animals have been 
reckoned fabulous. However, there it was on the deck, as large as life, 
and a certain fortune to the owner, as an article for exhibition ; and I 
won't deny that I began in my own mind a rough guesa at the sura 
total of all the inhabitants of England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales, at 
a shilling a-head. Jack, too, seemed in a brown study, maybe settling 
what share, in right and justice, he ought to have of the profits, 
or perhaps wondering, and puzzled to make head or tail of the question, 
whether the creature was properly a beast or a fish. As for myself, I 
felt a little flustered, as you may suppose, not only by the strangeness 
of the phenomenon, but at the prospect of such a prodigious fortune. 
In point of fact I was all in a tremor, like a steam-vessel with high- 



254 



A SEA-TOTALLEB 



pressure engines, and accordingly sent Jack down below for my brandy- 
bottle out of tlie locker, just to steady my nerves. ' Here's to us both,' 
says I, nodding and winking at Jack, ' and to the Cock Mermaid into 
the bargain ; for unless I'm mistaken, it'll prove a gold fish in the end.' 
I was rather premature : for the noise of pulling out the cork made the 
creature look round, which was the first time we had caught a fair look 
at its face. When lo and behold ! Jack no sooner clapped his eyes on 
the features, than he sings out again. 

" ' I'm blest,' says he — for I didn't allow swearing — ' I'm blest if it 
isn't Bob Bunce ! ' 

" Well, the Merman gave a nod, as mucli as to say, ' You're right, 
I'm him ; ' and then scrambling up into a sitting posture, with his back 




LA BELLE XVE, 



agin the companion, made a sign to me for the bottle. So I handed 
him the flask, which he took a sup of through the net ; but the liquor 
went against his fishified nature, and pulling a very wry face, he spirted 
it all out again, and gave me back the bottle. To my mind that settled 
the matter about his being a rational creature. It was moral impossible, 
though he might have an outside resemblance, like the apes and 
monkeys, to the human species. But I was premature again ; for, 
after rolling about a bit, he took me all aback with an odd sort of a 
voice coming out of his mouth, which was as round ns the hole of a flute. 
" ' Here,' says he, ' lend us a hand to get out of the net.' 
" ' It's Bob Bunce, sure enough ! ' cries Jack. ' That's his voice, I'll 
take my davit, howsomever he's got transmogrified.' 



A BEA-TOTALLEB. 



2SS 



"And with that he stoojied down and he]ped the creature, whatever 
it was, out of the net, and then popped him up on his two tails against 
the mast. 

" ' And now,' says he, ' if you're a Cock Mermaid, as master thinks, 
you may hold your tongue ; but if so be you're Bob Bunco, as I 
suspects,' (and if Jack always used the solemn tone he did at that 
minute he'd make a firstrate popular preacher,) ' why then don't 
renounce your godfathers and godmothers in your baptism, and your 
Christian religion, but say so at once like a man.' 

" ' I ham Bob Bunce, then,' said the creature, with a very strong 
emphasis, ' or rayther I ii-ere,' and along with the last word two great 
tears as big as swanshot sprang out of his pale blue eyes, and rolled 
down his flabby cheeks. ' Yes, I were Bob Buuce, and known by sight 
to every man, woman,, and child in Deptfovd.' 

" ' That's true anyhow,' said Jack ; ' 'cause why ? — you were so often 
a reeling drunk about the streets.' 

" ' There's no denying it,' said Bob, ' and plenty of contrary evidence 
if I did. But it warn't the strong liquors that ruined me, but quite the 
reverse ; for you see, 
sir,' addressing me, 
' one day after a 
drunken fit a she-tee- 
totaller got hold of me 
while I was sick and 
sorry, and prevailed on 
me to join a Temper- 
ance Club, and take the 
long pledge, which I 
did. 

" 'And now,' says 
she, ' you're nabb'd, and 
after that every drop of 
liquor you take will 
flare up agin you here- 
after like blazes, and 
make a snap-dragon on 
you in tlie tother 
world.' 

" 'Well, being low 
and narvous, that scari- 
fied me at once into water-drinking, and I was fool enough to think, that 
the more water I drunk the more sober I should be ; whereby at last 
I reached the pint of taking above two or three gallons a-day. For all 
that I got no stronger or better, as the speeches and tracks had pro- 
mised, but rather weaker and weaker ; and instead of a fair complexion, 
began turning blueish and greenish, besides my body being covered, as 
they say, with goose-skin, and my legs of a scaly character. As for 
walking, I staggered worse than ever, through gettiu' knookneed and 




rUBLIC SPIRIT. 



956 A sea-totalt.ee. 

splay-footed, wliich was the beginniu' of their transmogrification. The 
long and the short is, sir, though I didn't know it, that along o' so much 
water, I'd been drinkin' myself amphibbus.' 

" ' Well, that sounds like philosophy,' says Jack : ' but then, Bob, 
how come ye into the river ? ' 

" ' Ah ! ' says Bob, shaking his head, ' that's the sinful part o' the 
story. But between mortification, and the fear of being showed up for 
a mermaid, I resolved to put an end to myself, and so crawled down 
arter dark to Cole's wharf and flung myself into the river. But instead 
of drownding as I expected, the water that came into my mouth seemed 
to go out agin at my ears, and I found I could swim about and rise to 
the top or dive to the bottom as nat'ral as a fish. That gave me time 
to repent and reflect, and the consequence is, I've lived a wet life for 
above a week, and am almost reconciled to the same — only I don't take 
quite kindly yet to the raw dabs and flounders, and so was making my 
way down to the oyster-beds in the Medway, when your net come and 
ketch'd me up.' 

" ' But you wouldn't spend your days in the ocean, would you, Bob ? ' 
asked Jack, in a sort of coaxing tone that was meant to be very agree- 
able. ' As to hoysters, you may have 'em on dry land, real natives, 
and ready opened for you, and what's more, pepper'd and vinegar'd, 
which you can't in the Medway. And in respect to walking, why, me 
and master would engage to purvide you with a carriage.' 

" ' A wan, you mean,' said the other, with a piercing look at Jack, 
and then another at me, that made me wince. ' A wan — and Bartlemy 
Fair— but I'll die first ! ' 

" And rising upright on his double tail, before we could lay hands 
on him, he threw a somerset over the bulwark, and disappeared." 
" And was that the last of him ? " said the Vice. 
" It was, gentlemen," replied the President. " For Bunce, or Bounce, 
or Tee-totaller, or Sea-totaller, we never set eyes on hira again." 

"Well, that's a 
warning anyhow," 
said the Vice, again 
helping himself from 
the bottle. " I've 
heard political people 
talk of swamping 
the Constitution, but 
never knew before 
that it was done with 
pump water." 

" Nor I neither," 
said the member 
with the cigar. 
" Why, you see," 

said the President, " Temperance is a very praise-worthy object to a 
proper extent ; but a thing may be carried too far, as Sinbad said to the 




A CISCHAHOE FROM THE BSNC^. 



EPIGRAM. 257 

Old Man of the Sea. No doubt water-drinking is very wholesome 
while it's indulged in with moderation, but when you come to take it to 
excess, why you may equally make a beast of yourself, like poor Bob 
Bunce, and be unable to keep your legs." 



HOWQUA 

Is of three different sorts ; although they are not generally 
particularised by the tea-dealers or brokers : viz., 

SoMEHOw-QUA, which includes Hyson, Souchong, Bohea, &c., as well 
as the tea advertised by Captain Pidding : 

Anyhow-qua — composed of sloe, ash, willow, second-hand tea-leaves, 
or any other vegetable rubbish, and 

Nohow-qua, which falls to the lot of those who cannot get any tea 
at all. 




THE CHINESE BKEEl, 

EPIGKAM 

ON MRS. PAEKES'S PAMPHLET. 



Such strictures as these 
Could a learned Chinese 

Only read on some fine afternoon. 
He would cry with pale lips, 
" We shall have an Eclipse, 

For a Dragon has seized on the Moon ! ' 

BECOND SERIES, 



as 8 



AN EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION. 



"We'U find a way to remove all that." — M.D. 



On tlie 26th of December, 1842, according to the official record, a 
tipsy sailor, by name Peter Galpin, in tacking along the Mile End 
Road, slipped his foot on a piece of orange-peel, and fell with great 
violence on the pavement. He was immediately picked up by the pas- 
sengers, and being unable to walk or stand, was carried on a stretcher, 
by two policemen, to the London Hospital, where, on examination, it 
appeared that he had broken one of the small bones of his right leg. 

The fracture was immediately reduced ; and as the patient was not 
habitually a drunkard, but had only been casually overtaken, the case 

went on very favourably. 



and promised a speedy 
cure. In the meanwhile 
the poor fellow, accus- 
tomed to an active life, 
would have found the 
time pass very tediously 
in bed — especially as he 
could not read — but for 
the daily bustle and busi- 
ness in the ward, — the 
departures of the cured 
or the incurable, by dis- 
charge or death — and the 
arrivals of fresh sufferers 
— the visits of the sur- 
geons and medical stu- 
;lents, and the operations 
of the hospital dressers 
and nurses, in the most 
trivial of which he took a 
deep interest. Averse to 
doctors and doctoring, 
seamen in general are as ignorant as sea-horses of the usages and 
practices of the sick-room, so that whatever was done of the kind, even 
to the application of a poultice, was novel, and consequently attractive 
to our tar. 

Every proceeding, therefore, was carefully watched and logged in his 
memory — rare materials for future yarns, when he should be able to 
rejoin his ship, the Grampus, of Liverpool. Strange, indeed, were the 
things he had seen done in that hospital, and more extraordinary still 
were the things which he thought that he had seen performed — 
amounting in his opinion to surgical miracles ! 




BEST CUUK FOIi 



AS EXTBAORDINAKT OPERATION. 



259 



At last, one day arousing from a nap, and sitting up as usual to take 
an observation, he espied in the next bed a fat man with a particularly' 
big red nose, large staring 
black eyes, and an uncom- 
monly wide mouth — in 
fact, very like somebody he 
had seen dancing during 
the carnival in the streets 
of an Italian port. This 
corpulent bottle-nosed man 
was propped up in bed, 
with his back bared, whilst 
a dresser was applying an 
ointment to a very large, 
very red, and very raw and 
8ore-looldng place between 
his shoulders. 

" My eyes ! " exclaimed the saUor, letting himself drop backward on 
his pillow, quite overcome with wonder — "There's been a hopperation ! " 

" What do you mean ? " asked the dresser. 

" What ! " ejaculated the astounded seaman, with his eyes cast 
upwards, and almost protruding from his head — 

"Well, what!" 

" Why, he's Punch, isn't he ? and they've cut his hump of! ! ! " 




GOING AT FIVE KNOTS AN HOUR. 




" jack's alive ! ' 



260 




'FLY NOT VET !" 



THE EARTH-QUAKERS. 



*' Now's the time and now's the hour ! 
To be woraed, toss'd, and shaken, 
Down — down — down, derry down — 
Let us take to the road ! 
Amanda, let us quit the town — 
Together let us range the fields — 
Over the hills and far away, 
Life let us cherish." — Old Ballads. 



The Earth-quakers are by no means a new Sect. They have 
appeared at various times in England, and particularly in 1750, when 
they were so numerous that, according to Horace Walpole, " within 
three days, seven hundred and thirty coaches were counted passing 
Hyde-park-cornei with whole parties removing into the country ! " 
The same pleasant writer has preserved several anecdotes of the 
persuasion, and especially records that the female members, to guard 
against even a shock to their constitutions, made " earthquake gowns " 
of a warm stuff, to sit up in at night, in the open air ! Nor was the 
alarm altogether unfounded, for the earth, he says, actually shook twice 
at regular intervals, so that fearing the terrestrial ague fit would become 
periodical, the noble wit proposed to treat it by a course of bark. 
However, there were some slight vibrations of the soil, and supposing 
them only to have thrown down a platter from the shelf to the floor, 
the Earth-quakers of 1750 have an infinite advantage over those of 184S, 
when nothing has fallen to the ground but a fiddle-de-Dee prediction. 

Still, if the metropolis has not exhibited any extraordinary physical 
convulsion, its inhabitants have presented an astounding Moral 
Phenomenon. Messrs. Howell and James best know whether they 
have vended or been asked for peculiarly warm fabrics — the court 
milliner alone can tell if she has made up any new fashioned roles de 
mat a la hirounc, or coiffures adapted to a nocturnal fete champetre. 



THE EARTH-QUAKEKS. 261 

The coaches, public and private, which have passed Hyde-Parlt-Comer 
have not perhaps been counted, but it is notorious that the railway 
carriages have been crammed with passengers, and the Gravesend 
steamers were almost swamped by the influx of rabid Earth-quakers, 
all rushing, sauve qui peut ! from the most ridiculous bugbear ever 
licked into shape by the vulgar tongue. Nor yet was the " Movement 
Party " composed exclusively of the lower classes ; but comprised 
hundreds of respectable Londoners, who never halted till they had gone 
beyond the Lord Mayor's jurisdiction, a flight unworthy oven of 
Cockneyism, which implies at least a devoted attachment to London, 
and an unshaken confidence in the stabUity of St. Paul's. 

The Irish indeed, the poor blundering, bull-making Irish, had 
some excuse for their panic. The prophecy came from a prophet of 
their own religion, and appealed to some of their strongest prejudices. 
They had perhaps even felt some precursory agitation not perceptible 
to us English — whilst the rebuilding of the ruined city promised a 
famous job for the Hibernian bricklayers and hodmen. Nay, after all, 
they only exhibited a truly national aptitude to become April fools in 
March. But for British backbone Protestants, who have shouted "No 
Popery," and burnt Guy Fauxes, to adopt a Eoman Catholic legend — 
for free and independent householders who would not move on for a 
live policeman, to move off, bag and baggage, at the dictum of a very 
dead monk — who can doubt, after such a spectacle, that a Nincom Tax 
would be very productive ! 

As a subject for a comic picture, there could be no richer scene for a 
modem Hogarth than the return of a party of Earth-quakers to the 
metropolis — that very metropolis which was to have been knocked down, 
as Kobins would say, in one lot — that devoted City which Credulity 
had lately painted as lying prostrate on ils Corporation ! 

In the meantime, good luck enables me to illustrate the great earth- 
quake of 1843 by a few letters obtained, no matter how, or at what 
expense. It is to be regretted that type can give no imitation of the 
handwritings ; suffice it that one of the notes has actually been booked 
by a well-known collector, as a genuine autograph of St. Vitus. 

No. I. — To Petkr Crisp, Esq. 

Ivy Cottage, Sevenoaks. 
Dear Brother, 

You are of course aware of the awful visitation with which we 
are threatened. 

As to F. and myself, business and duties will forbid our leaving 
London, but Eobert and James will be home for the usual fortnight at 
Easter, and we are naturally anxious to have the dear boys out of the 
way. Perhaps you will make room for them at the cottage ? 
I am, dear Brother, 

Yours affectionately, 

Margaret Faddy. 



ao2 



THE EARTH-QUAKEBS. 

(The Answer. 



Dear Sister, 

As regards the awful visitation, tlie last time the dear boya 
were at the Cottage they literally turned it topsy-turvy. 

As such, -would rather say — keep Robert and James in town, and 
send me down the Earthquake. 

Your loving brother, 

Peter Crisp. 




NATURE S SCHOOL. 



No. II. — To Messrs. H. Staley and Co. 

Camomile-street, City. 
Gentlemen, 

As a retired tradesman of Loudon to rural life, but unremit- 
tingly devoted to the metropolis and its public buildings, am deeply 
solicitous to learn, on good mercantile authority, if the alarming state- 
ments as to a ruinous depression in the Custom-bouse, St. Paul's, and 
other fabrics, stands on the undeniable basis of fact. An early answer 
will oblige, 

Your very obedient servant, 

John Stokes. 

Postscriptum. — My barber tells me the Monument has been done at 
Lloyd's. 

(The Answer.) 

Sir, 

In reply to your favour of the 14th inst., I beg to suhjoiu for 
your guidance the following quotations from a supplement to this day's 
"Price Current." 

"Maech 16. — In Earthquakes — nothing stirring. Strong Caracca 
shoolis partially inquired for, but no arrivals. Lisbons ditto. A small 
lot of slight Chicbesters in bond have been brought forward, but 
obtained no offors. Houses continue firm, and the holders are not 



THE EAKTH-QUAKEKS. 263 

iuclined to part with them In Columns and Obelisks no alteration. 
Cathedrals as before. Steeples keep up, and articles generally not so 
flat as anticipated by the speculators for a fall." — I am, sir, for Staley 
and Co,, your most obedient servant, 

Charles Stuckey 



No. III. — To DocTOE Dodge, F. A. S., London 

Dear Dootoe, 

As you are an Antiquarian, and as such well acquainted, of 
course, with Ancient MSS. and Monkish Chronicles, perhaps you will be 
so obliging as to give me your opinion of the Earthquake predicted by 
Dr. Dee and the Monk of Dree, and whether it is mentioned in 
Doomsday Book, or Icon Basilisk, or any of the old astrological works. — 
Yours, dear Doctor, 

Anastasia Shkewsbuky. 

(The Answer.) 
Deae Madam, 

I have no recollection of such a Prediction in any of the 
books you mention ; but I will mal;e a point of looking into the old 
chronicles. In the meantime it strikes me, that if any one should have 
foretold an Earthquake it was Ingulphus. — I am, dear Madam, your 
very humble Servant, 

T. Dodge. 

No. IV. — To Mr. Benjaiiin Hookin. 

Barbican. 
Dear Ben, 

About this here hearthquack. According to advice I rit to 
Addams who have beau to forin Parts, and partickly Sow Amerikey, 
witch is a shockin country, and as to wat is dun by the Natives in the 
like case, and he say they all run out of their Howses, and fall down on 
their nees and beat their brests like mad, and cross theirselves and call 
out to the Virgin, and all the popish Saints. Witch in course with us 
Christians is out of the question, so there we are agin at a non plush — 
and our minds perfecly misrable for want of making up. One minit 
it's go and the next minit stay, till betwixt town and country, I allmost 
wish I was nowheres at all. But how is minds to be made up wen if 
you ax opinions, theres six of one and half a duzzen of the tother — for 
I make a pint of xtracting my customers sentiments pro and con, and 
its as ni a ti as can be. One books the thing to cum off as shure as the 
Darby or Hoax, while another suspends it til the Day of Jugment. 
And then he's upset by a new commur in with the news that half St. Giles 
is cast down, and the inhabbitants all Irish howling, quite dredful, and 
belabbering their own buzzums and crossing themselves all over as if it 
saved the Good Friday buns from being swallered up. So there we 
are agin. All dubbious. As for Pawley he wont have it at anny price 



S64 



THE EAETH-QUAKEES. 



but says its clear agin Geolology and tbe Woloanic stratuses ; witch may 
sarve well enuff to chaff about at Mekanical Innstitushuns but he 
wont gammon me that theres anny sich remmedy for a Hearth Quack 
as a hasun of ohork — no nor a hasun of gruel nayther. Well wat next. 
Why Podmore swears wen he past the Duke of York he see his hiness 
anoddin at the Athenium Club as if he meant to drop in pervided he 
didn't pitch in to the Unitid Servis. So there we are agin. For ray 
own share I own to sum misgivins and croakins, and says you, not with- 
out caws wen six fammillis in our street has gone off alreddy and three 
more packin up in case. Besides witch, Eadley the Builder have 

nocked off wurk at 
is new Howsis for 
fear of their gettin 
floored, and missis 
Sims have declined 
her barril of table 
beer till arter the 
shakin. When things 
cum to sich aspects 
they look serus. But 
supose in the end as 
Gubbins says its all a 
errer of that Dr. Dee 
— wat a set of Dee'd 
spooneys we shall 
look. So there we 
are agin. Then 
theres Books, It ap- 
pear on reading the 
great Lisbon cats- 
trophy were attendid 
by an uncommon rush 
ROOKS AHEAD ! of the Sce on the dry 

Land and they do say 
from Brighton as how the Breakers have reached as far as Wigney's 
Bank. That's in faver agin of the world losing its ballance. Howsom- 
ever I have twice had the shutters up, and wonce got as fur as the 
hos in the Shay cart for a move off, but was stopt by the Maid and the 
Prentis both axin a hole holliday for the sixteenth and in sich a stile as 
conyinced if I didnt grant they wood take french leaves. And then 
who is to mind the house and Shop not to name two bills as cum doo 
on the verry day and made payable on the preramises. Whereby if I 
dont go to smash in boddy I must in bisuess. So there we are agin. 
In the interium theres my Wife who keeps wibratin between hopes 
and fears like the pendulum of a Dutch Clock and no more able 
to cum to a conclusion. But sheiuclines most to faver the dark side of 
the Picter and compares our state of Purgatory, to Dam somebody with 
a sword hanging over his head by a single hair. As a nateral consekens 




THE EARTH-QUAKEBS. 



266 



she cant eat her wittals and hears rumblins and has sich tremlins she 
dont know the hearth's agitatings from her own. Being squeemish 
besides, as is reckoned by her a very bad sign, becos why theres a 
hearthquack in Kobbinson Cruso who describe the motion to have mado 
his Stomich as sick as anny one as is tost at See. Well in course her 
flutters aggrivates mine till between ourselves I'm reddy to bolt out of 
house and home like a Babbit and go and squat in the open Fields. 
And wats to end all this suspense. Maybe a false alarm — and maybe 
hall to hatums indoors or else runnin out into a gapin naberhood and 
swallerd up in a crack. Whereby its my privit opinion we shall end by 
removing in time like the Eats from a fallin house even if we have to 
make shift with a bed in the garden, but witch is prefferable to an 
everlastin sleep in the great shake down that nater is preparing. Thats 
to say if the profesy keeps its word — for if it dont we are better in our 
own beds than fleaing elsewhere. And praps ketch our deths besides. 
Witch reminds me our Medical Doctor wont hear of hearthquackery 
and says theres no simtoms of erupshun. So there we are agin. But 
St. Pauls, and all Saint Giles's is per contra. And to be sure as Pat 
Hourigan says of the Irish, ant we sevin fifths of us hod carriers and 
brioklairs, and do you think as we'd leave the same, if we didn't expect 
more brick and building materals than we can carry on our beds and 
sholders. Witch sartinly wood strongly argy to the pint, if so be their 
being Koman Cathliks didn't relignsly bind one whatever they beleave. 
to beleave quite the reverse. 
And talking of religion, if one 
listened to it like a Chris- 
tian, instid of dispondin it 
wood praps say trust in Pro- 
vidence and shore up the 
premisis. And witch may be 
the piusest and cheapest plan 
arter all. But bisness inter- 
rupts 

Its the Gibbenses maid for 
an Am. Ive pumpt out on 
her that the fammily is goin 
to Windser for Change of air. 
And Widder Stradlin is goin 
to Kichmond for change of 
Scene. Yes as much as I 
am goin to the Lands end for 
change of a shilling. And 
now I think on it there were 

a suspishus mark this morning on the Public House paper, namely 
Edgingtons advertisement about Tents. So arter all the open Air 
course of conduct — but annother cum in — 

Poor Mrs, Hobson, in the same perplext state as myself. To be 
sure as she say a slite shock as wouldnt chip a brass or iron man 




BLOWING UP FOR RAIN. 



26R THE EARTH-QUAKEES. 

would shatter a clianey woman all to smash. But wats the use of her 
cummin to me to be advised wen I carut advize myself ? Howsomever 
a word or two from your Ben wood go fur to convict me — Only beggin 
you to considder that Self Presevashun is the fust law of Nater, and the 
more binding as its a law^ a man is allowed to take into his own hands. 
As the crisus approach, a speedy answer will releave the mind of 

Your loving Brother, 

Jambs Hookin. 

P.S. — Since riting the ahuv the Reverend Mister Grumpier, as my 
wife sits under, have dropt in and confirmed the wust. He say its a 
Judgment on the Citty and by way of Cobberrobberation has named 
several parties in our naberhood as is to be ingulped. That settles us, 
and in course will excuse cuttin short. 

No. y.—To Mits. - * =■■ - 

No. 9, Street. 

Madaji, 

It may seem stooping to take up a dropped eorrespondence, 
but consideriog that an Earthquake ought to bury all animosities, aud 
enjoying the prospect of an eternal separation. Christian charity induces 
to say I am agreeable on my part for the breach between us to be 
repaired by a shaking of hands. 

I am. Madam, 

Yours, &c., 

Belinda Huffin. 

(The Answer.) 
Madaji, 

I trust I have as much Christian charity as my neighbours — 
praps more — and hope I have too much true religion to believe in judi- 
cious astronomy. And if I did, have never heard that earthquakes was 
remarkable for repairing breaches. 

When every thing else shakes, I will shake hands, but not before. 

I am, Madam, 

Yours, &c., 

Matilda Perks. 

No. VJ — For Rebecca Slack. 

3, Fisher's Plaice, Kuightsbridge. 
DisAK Becky, 

If so bo when you cum to Number 9, on Sunday and Me not 
thore don't be terriflde. Its not suicide and the Surpintine but tlie 
Erthquake. John is the same as ever but Ive allmost giv meself 
Warniu without the JMunths notis. Last uite there cum a ring at the 
Bel, a regular chevy and Noboddy there. Cook sed a runaway Lark 
but I no better. Aud John says Medicle Studints but I say shox. 



TUB EAETH-QUAKEBS. 



267 



Howsumaver if the bel ring agen of its own Hed I'm oS quake or no 
quake to my muther at Srewsberry Srops. One may trust to drunken 
yung gentilmen too long and naisstake a rumbel at the Anti Pods for 
skrewin off the nocker. No, no. So as I sed afore, another ring will 
be a hint to fly, tho one thing is ockard, namely the crisus fixt for the 
16 and my quarter not up till the 20. But wats wagis ? Their no 
object -wen yure an Objeo yurself for the Ospittle. To be shure Missus 
may complain of a Non Plush but wat of that. Self Preservin is the 
law of Nater and is wat distinguishes resoning Beings from Damsuns 
and Bullises. 

Mister Butler is of my own friteful way of thinkin and quite retchid 
about the shakin up of his port wine for he allways calls it hisn, and 




i 



"cook! you may mail master's dinneh," 

dredful low, his Hart being in his celler. But Cook choose to set her 
Face agin the finomunon. Dont tell me says she of the earth quakin 
— its crust isnt made so lite and shivvery. So weve cum to Wurds on 
the subjec and even been warm but its impossible to talk with sang 
fraw of wat freeses ones Blud. But wat can one expeo as Mister 
Butler says but Convulshuns of Nater wen we go boring into the Erths 
bowils witch as all the world nose is chock full of Cumbustibuls as 
ketching as Congrevs and Lucefirs. We mite have tuck warnin by 
the Frentch he says witch driv irun pipes and toobs down and drew 
them up agin all twisted by the stratums into Cork skrews with the 
Ends red liot or meltid oE So much for pryin into the innfurnel reguns'. 



203 



THE EAKTH-QUAKEHS. 



As you may supose I am melonoolly enuf at sioli a prospict. But if 
a Erth Quake isnt to cast one down wat is ? I never go to my Filler 
but I pray to sleep without rookiu or having the roof come down atop 
of me like a sparrer in a brick Trap. And then sich horribel Dreams ! 
Ony last nite I dremt the hole supperstructer was 
on my chest and stomack but luckly it were ony 
the Nite Mare and cold Pork. And in the day 
time its nothin but takiu in visitters cards with 
PoorPrenderCongy which you know means Frentch 
leave and not a bit two erly if correct that Saint 
Pauls have sunk down to its Doom. To be shure I 
over heerd Master say that even Saint Faith don't 
beleave in it. But she is no rule for Me. Why 
shudn't we be overwelmd as Mister Butler says as 
well as the Herculeans and Pompey ? I'm shure 
we deserve it for our sins and picoadillies. 

Well time will show. But its our duty all the 
same to look arter our savings. John thinks Mr. 
Green have the best chance by assenting on the 
day in his Voxall baloon but gud gratious as Mister 
Butler says supose the world was to annihilate itself wile he was up 
in the Air. One had better trust to the most aggitated Terry Firmer. 
Wat sort of soil is most propperest for the purpus has been debatted 
amung us a good deal. One thinks mountin tops is safest and anuther 
considders we ort all to be in a Mash. Lord nose. The Baker says 
his Master has inshured his-self agin the erth quake and got the Globe 
to kiver him. 

Theres Missus bel so adew in haste. 

Maux Sawkins. 

Poscrip. — Wile I was up iu the drawin room master talkt very 
misterus about St. Pauls. Its all a report says he from one of the 
Miner Cannons. 




A SrOONEY. 



No. VII.— To SiE W. Flimsv, Baet., & Co. 

Lombard Street, City. 
Gentlemen, 

I beg respectfully to inform you that placing implicit confi- 
dence in the calamity which will come due on the 16th instant, I have 
felt it my duty to remove myself and the cash balance to a place of 
security. It is my full intention, however, to return to my post after 
the Earthquake; and, I trust, instead of condemning, you will thank 
me for preserving your property, when I come back and restore it. 
I am, Gentlemen, 
Your very faithful and obedient, 

Servant and cashier, 

Saiidel Boultek. 



THE EAETH-QnAKEKS. 



269 



jSTo. VIII.— To Me. Benjamin Hockin. 

(Vide No. IV.) 

Dear Benjamin, 

In my last I broke short through sitting oif — and now have 
to inform of our safe Eeturn and the Premises all sound. The wus 
luck to have let Meself be Shay carted off on a April Fool's arrand, as 
bad as piggins milk. For wat remanes in futer but to become a lafflng 
stock to our nabers and being ninny-hammered at like nails. As for 
the parler at the Crown that's shut agin me for ever, for them quizzical 
feUers as frequents could rost a Ox whole in the way of banterin. So 
were I'm to spend my evenins except with my wife Lord nose. Theres 
misery in prospect at once. 

Has for servin in the shop I couldnt feel more sheapish and sham- 
faced if I had bean found out in short wait and adulteriug. Its no 
odds my customers houlding 
their 'Tungs about it — the 
more they don't say the more 
I know wat they mean, and 
witch as . silent contempt is 
wus than even a littel blag- 
gard cumming as he did just 
now, and axing for a small 
hapenny shock. Not that 1 
mind Sarce so much as make 
beleave pitty. Its the wim- 
min with their confoundid 
simperthisin as agrivates sich 
as hoping no cold was cotchd 
from the nite dues and 1am- 
menting our trouble and ex- 
pense for nothink. With all 
respect to the sex if it pleas 
God to let one see them now 
and then with their jaws tide 
up for the Tung Ake as well as the Tooth Ake it wood be no harm. 
There's that Missis Mummery wood comfort a man into a brain Fever. 
And indeed well ni soothd me into a fury wat with condoling on our 
bamboozilment and her sham abram concern for our unlucky step. 
She cum for pickels and its lucky for both there was no Pison handy. 
But I ortto'take an assiduous draft meself for swallering such stuff. 
As praps I shall if I dont fly to hard drinking insted. Becos why, I 
know I've sunk meself in public opinnion and indeed feel as if all 
Lonnon was takin a sight at me. Many a man have took his razer 
and cut his stick for less. 

Has for my wife her fust move on cumming Home was up stares and 
into Bed where she remained quite inconsoluble, being more hurt in 
her Mind she say then if she had had a leg broke by the Herth quake. 




"ITS ALL UP WITH ilE ! ' 



dTO 



THE EABTH-QDAKEHS. 



And witch I realy think could not more have upset her. Howsumever 
there she lays almost off her Hed and from wat I know of her cute 
feelings and temper is likely to never be happy agin nor to let anny 
one else. There's a luck out — and no children of our own to vent on. 

In course its more nor I dares to tell her of the nonimous Letter 
like a Walentine with a picter of a Cook and Bui, and that's only a 
four runner. Well, its our hone falts, if thats anny comfort which it 
ant, but all the hevier, like sum loves and tee cakes, for bein home 
made. 

The sum totle on it is Irae upset for Life. I harnt got Brass enuf 
to remans in Bisness nor yet made Tin enuf to retire out on it. 
Otherwis Ide take a Wilier in Stanter and keap dux. My ony comfit 
is I arnt a citty Maggystrut and obleegd to sit in Gild all, arter bein 
throwd into sich a botomless panikin. How his Waslmp Mister 
Bowlbee can sit in Publick I dout know for he was one of the verry 
fust to cut away. Ketch me says he astayin in Crippelgit. I know it's 
my ward but it won't ward off a shock. 

So much for Hearth Quacks. The end will be I shall turn to a 
Universal Septic and then I supose watever I dont beleave will come to 
pass. Indeed I am almost of the same mind alreddy with Dadley the 
Baker. Dont trust nothing, says he, till it happen. And not even theu 
if it don't suit to give credit. 

Dear Ben, pray rite if you can say anny thing consoling under an 
ounce — for witch a Stamp inclosed. 

Your hiving Bruther, 

James Hockin. 

P.S. — The Eeverind Mister Grumpier have just bean, and explained 
to Me the odds betwixt Old and New stiles, whereby the real Day for 
the Heai-th Quack is still to cum, namely Monday the Q8th Instant 
So there we are agin ! 




rOSSIXQ— " WOMAN I" 



271 




PALEY'S PHILOSOPnY, 



THE GEIMSBY GHOST. 



CHAPTER I. 



In the town of Grimsby- 



But stop," says the Courteous and Prudent Pueader, "are there any 
such things as Ghosts ? " 

" Any Ghostesses ! " cries Superstition, who settled long since in the 
country, near a church-yard, on a rising ground, "any Ghostesses ! Ay, 
man — lots on 'em ! bushels on 'em ! sights on 'em ! Why, there's one 
as walks in our parish, reg'Iar as the clock strikes twelve — and always 
the same round — over church-stile, round the corner, through the gap, 
into Short's Spinney, and so along into our close, where he takes a 
drink at the pump, — for ye see he died in liquor, — and then arter he's 
squentohed bisself wanishes into v/aper. Then there's the ghost of old 
Beales, as goes o' nights and sows tares in his neighbour's wheats — I've 
often seed un in seed time. They do say that Black Ben, the Poacher, 
have riz, and what's more, walked slap through all the Squire's steel- 
traps without springing on 'em. And then there's Bet Hawkey as 
murdered her own infant — only the poor babby hadn't larned to walk, 
and so can't appear agin her." 

But not to refer only to the ignorant and illiterate vulgar, there are 
units, tens, hundreds, thousands of well-bred and educated persons. 
Divines, Lawyers, military, and especially naval officers, Artists, 
Authors, Players, Schoolmasters, and Governesses, and fine ladies, who 
secretly believe that the dead are on visiting terms with the living — 
nay, the great Doctor Johnson himself afBrmed solemnly that he had a 
call from his late mother, who had been buried many years. Ask at 
the right time, and in the right place, and in the right manner — only 




TAIXV-ONI. 



27S THE GEIMSnY GHOST, 

affect a belief, though you have it not, so that the party may feel 
assured of sympathy and insured against ridicule — and nine-tenths of 
mankind will confess a faith in Apparitions. It is in truth an article 
in the creed of our natural religion — a corollary of the recognition of 
the immortality of the soul. The presence of spirits — visible or 
invisible — ^is an innate idea, as exemplified 
by the instinctive night-terrors of infancy, 
and recently so touchingly illustrated by the 
evidence of the poor little colliery-girl, who 
declared that " she sang, whiles, at her sub- 
terranean task, but never when she was alone 
in the dark." 

It is from this cause that the Poems and 
Ballads on spectral subjects have derived 
their popularity; for instance, Margaret's 
Ghost — Mary's Dream — and the Ghost of 
Admiral Hosier — not to forget the Drama, 
with that awful Phantom in " Hamlet," whose word, in favour of the 
Supernatural, we all feel to be worth " a thousand pound." 
" And then the Spectre in ' Don Giovanni? ' " 
No. That Marble Walker, with his audible tramp, tramp, tramp on 
the staircase, is too substantial for my theory. It was a Ghost invented 
expressly for the Materialists ; but is as inadmissible amongst genuine 
Spiiits as that wooden one described by old W., the shipowner, — 
namely, the figure-head of the Britannia, which appeared to him, 
he declared, on the very night that she found a watery grave off 
Cape Cod. 

" Well — after that — go on.' 



CHAPTER II 

In the town of Grimsby, at the corner of Swivel-street, there is a 
little chandler's-shop, which was kept for many years by a widow of the 
name of Mullins. She was a careful, thrifty body, a perfect woman of 
business, with a sharp gray eye to the main chance, a quick ear for the 
ring of good or bad metal, and a close hand at the counter. Indeed, 
she was apt to give such scrimp weight and measure, that her 
customers invariably manoeuvred to be served by her daughter, who 
was supposed to be more liberal at the scale, by a full ounce in the 
pound. The man and maid servants, it is true, who bought on 
commission, did not care much about the matter ; but the poor hungry 
father, the poor frugal mother, the little ragged girl, and the little 
dirty boy, all retained their pence in their bands, till they could 
thrust them, with their humble requests for ounces or half-ounces of 
tea, brown sugar, or single Gloster, towards " Miss Mulhns," who was 
supposed to better their dealings, — if dealings they might be called, 
where no deal of anything was purchased. She was a tall, bony 



THE GHTMSBY GHOST. 



273 



female, of about thirty years of age, but apparently forty, with a very 
homely set of features, and the staid, sedate carriage of a spinster who 
feels herself to be set in for a single life. There was indeed " no love 
nonsense " about her ; and as to romance, she had never so much as 
looked into a novel, or read a line of poetry in her life— her thoughts, 
her feelings, her actions, were all like her occupation, of the most 
plain, prosaic character— the retailing of soap, starch, sandpaper, red- 
herrings, and Flanders brick. Except Sundays, when she went twice 
to chapel, her days were divided between the little back-parlour and 
the front-shop — between a 
patchwork counterpane which 
she had been stitching at for 
ten long years, and that other 
counter work to which she was 
summoned, every few minutes, 
by the importunities of a little 
bell that rang every customer 
in, like the new year, and then 
rang him out again, like the 
old one. It was her province, 
moreover, to set down all un- 
ready money orders on a slate, 
but the widow took charge of 
the books, or rather the book, 
in which every item of account 
was entered, with a rigid punc- 
tuality that would have done 
honour to a regular counting- 
house clerk. 

Under such management the little chandler's shop was a thriving 
concern, and with the frugal, not to say parsimonious habits of mother 
and daughter, enabled the former to lay by annually her one or two 
hundred pounds, so that Miss Mullins was in a fair way of becoming a 
fortune, when towards the autumn of 1838 the widow was suddenly 
taken ill at her book, in the very act of making out a little bill, which, 
alas ! she never lived to sum up. The disorder progressed so rapidly 
that on the second day she was given over by the doctor, and on the 
third by the apothecary, having lost all power of swallowing lis 
medicines. The distress of her daughter, thus threatened with the 
sudden rending of her only tie in the world, may be conceived ; while, 
to add to her affliction, her dying parent, though perfectly sensible, was 
unable, from a paralysis of the organs of speech, to articulate a single 
word. She tried nevertheless to speak, with a singular perseverance, 
but all her struggles for utterance were in vain. Her eyes rolled 
frightfully, the muscles about the mouth worked convulsively, and her 
tongue actually writhed till she foamed at the lips, but without 
producing more than such an unintelligible sound as is sometimes 
heard from the deaf and dumb. It was evident from the frequency and 

SECOND SEMES. T 




.'.I!:niDGE BDTTtR. 



274 THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 

vehemence of these efforts that she had something of the utmost 
importance to communicate, and which her weeping daughter implored 
her to malie Itnown by means of signs. 

"Had she any thing weighing heavy on her mind? '' 

The siols; woman nodded her head. 

" Did she want any one to he sent for ? " 

The head was shalten. 

"Was it about making her will?" 

Another mute negative. 

" Did she wish to have further medical advice?" 

A gesture of great impatience. 

" Would she try to write down her meaning ? " 

The head nodded, and the writing-materials were immediately 
procured. The dying woman was propped up in bed, a lead-pencil was 
placed in her right hand, and a quire of foolscap was set before her. 
With extreme difficulty she contrived to scribble the single word MARY; 
but before she could form another letter, the band suddenly dropped, 
scratching a long mark, like what the Germans call a Devotion Stroke, 
from the top to the bottom of the paper, — her face assumed an intense 
expression of despair — there was a single deep groan — then a heavy 
sigh — and the widow Mullins was a corpse ! 



CHAPTER III. 

"Gkacious! how shocking !" cries Morbid Curiosity. " And to die 
too, without telling her secret ? What could the poor creature have on 
her mind to lay so heavy ! I'd give the world to know what it was ! A 
shocking murder, perhaps, and tlie remains of her poor husband buried 
Lord knows where — so that nobody can enjoy the horrid discovery — and 
the digging of him up ! " 

No, Madam — nor the boiling and parboiling of his viscera to detect 
traces of poison. 

" To be sure not. It's a sin and shame, it is, for people to go out of 
the world with such mysteries confined to their own bosom. But 
perhaps it was only a hoard of money that she had saved up ia 
private ? " 

Very possible, madam. In fact, JMrs. Humphreys, the carpenter's 
wife, who was present at the death, was so finnly of that persuasion, 
that before the body was cold, although not the searcher, she had 
exercised a right of search, in every pot, pan, box, basket, drawer, 
cupboard, chimney — in short, every hole and corner in the premises. 

" Ay, and I'll be bound discovered a heap of golden guineas in an 
old teapot." 

No, Miidnm — not a dump. At least not in the teapot — but in a hole 
near tho sink — she found — 

" What, sir ? — ^pray what ? " 

Two black-beetles, ma'am, and a money-spinner 



THE GUIMSBY GHOST. 



!i76 



CHAPTER IV. 

Well, the corpse of the deceased Widow received (he usual rites. 
It was washed — laid out — and according to old provincial custom, 
strewed with rosemary and other sweet herbs. A plate full of salt was 
placed on the chest — one liglited candle was set near the head and 
another at the feet, whilst the Mrs. Humphreys, before mentioned, 
undertook to sit up through the night and " watch the body." A half- 
dozen of female neighbours also volunteered their services, and sat in 
the little back-parlour by way of company for the bereaved daughter, 
who, by the mere force of habit, had caught up and begun mechanically 
to stitch at the patchwork-counterpane, with one corner of which she 
occasionally and absently wiped her eyes — the action strangely con- 
trasting with such a huge and harlequin handkerchief. In the discourse 
of the gossips she took no part or interest : in reality she did not hear 
the conversation, her 
ear still seeming pain- 
fully on the stretch to 
catch those last dying 
words which her poor 
mother had been un- 
able to utter. In her 
mind's eye she was still 
watching those dread- 
ful contortions which 
disfigured the features 
of her dying parent 
during her convulsive 
efforts to speak — she 
still saw those despe- 
rate attempts to write, 
and then that leaden 
fall of the cold hand, 
and the long scratch of 
the random pencil that 
broke off for ever and 
ever the mysterious re- 
velation. A more ro- 
mantic or ambitious 
nature would perhaps have fancied that the undivulged secret referred 
to her own birth ; a more avaricious spirit might have dreamed that 
the disclosure related to hidden treasure ; and a more suspicious char- 
acter might have even supposed that death had suppressed some con- 
fession of undiscovered guilt. 

But the plain matter-of-fact mind of Mary Mullins was incapable of 
such speculations. Instead of dreaming, therefore, of an airy coronet 
or ideal bundles of bank-notes, or pots full of gold and silver' coin, or a 

T 2 




■ AT THE DEATH, 



276 



THE GEIMSBY GHOST 



disinterred skeleton, she only stitched on, and then wept, and then 
stitched on again at the motley coverlet, wondering amongst her other 
vague wonders why no little dirty boys, or ragged little girls, came as 
usual for penny candles and rushlights. The truth being that the 
gossips had considerately muffled up the shop-bell, for vulgar curiosity 
had caused a considerable influx of extra custom, so that thanks to 
another precaution in suppressing noises, the little chandler's shop pre- 
sented the strange anomaly of a roaring trade carried on in a whisper. 

Owing to this circumstance it was nearly midnight before the shop- 
shutters were closed, the street door was locked, the gas turned off, and 
the sympathising females prepared to sit down to a light, sorrowful 
supper of tripe and onions. 

In the mean time the candles in the little back parlour had burned 
down to the socket, into which one glimmering wick at last suddenly 

plunged, and was instantly drowned 
in a warm bath of liquid grease. 
This trivial incident sufficed to 
arouse Miss Mullins from her 
tearful stupor ; she quietly put 
down the patchwork, and without 
speaking, passed into the shop, 
which was now pitch-dark, and 
with her hand began to grope for 
a bunch of long sixes, which she 
knew hung from a particular shelf. 
Indeed, she could blindfolded have 
laid her hand on any given article 
in the place ; but her fingers had 
no sooner closed on the cold 
clammy tallow, than with a loud 
shrill scream that might have 
awakened the dead — if the dead 
were ever so awakened — she sank 
down on the sandy floor in a strong fit ! 

" La ! how ridiculous ! What from only feeling a tallow-candle ? " 
No, ma'am ; but from only seeing her mother, in her habit as she 
lived, standing at her old favourite post in the shop ; that is to say, at 
the little desk, between the great black coffeo-mill and the barrel of 
red-herrings. 

CHAPTER V 




"SHE WALKS IN EEAUTT, LIKE THE KIQHT." 



" What ! a Ghost— a regular Apparition ? " 

Yes, sir, a disembodied spirit, but clothed in some ethereal substance, 
not tangible, but of such a texture as to be visible to the ocular sense. 

"Bah! ocular nonsense! All moonshine! Ghosts be hanged! — 
no such things in nature — too late in the day for them, by a whole 
century — quite exploded — went out with the old witches. No, no, sir, 



THfi GEIIISBY GHOST. 



277 



the ghosts have bad their day, and were all laid long ago, before the 
wood pavement. What should they come for ? The potters and the 
colliers may rise for 
higher wages, and the 
Chartists may rise for 
reform, and Joseph 
Sturge may rise for 
his health, and the 
sun may rise, and the 
bread may rise, and 
the sea may rise, and 
the rising generation 
may rise, and all to 
some good or bad pur- 
pose ; but that the 
dead and buried 
should rise, only to 
make one's hair rise, 
is more than I can be-aotios. 

credit." 

They may have some messages or errands to the living. 

" Yes, and can't deliver them for want of breath ; or can't execute 
them for the want of physical force. Just consider yourself a ghost " 

Excuse me. 

" Pshaw ! I only meant for the sake of argument. I say, suppose, 
yourself a ghost. Well, if you come up out of your grave to serve a 
friend, how are you to help him ? And if it's an enemy, what's the use 
of appearing to him if you can't pitch into him." 

Why, at least it is showing your Spirit. 

"Humph! that's true. Well, proceed." 




CHAPTER VI. 

Thehe is nothing more startling to the human nerves than a female 
scream. Not a make-believe squall, at a spider or a mouse, but a real, 
shrill, sharp, ear-piercing shriek, as if from the very pitohpipe of 
mortal fear. Nothing approaches it in thrilling effect, except the rail- 
way whistle ; which, indeed, seems only to come from the throat of a 
giantess, instead of that of an ordinary woman. 

The sudden outcry from the little shop had therefore an appalling 
effect on the company in the little back parlour, who for the moment 
were struck as dizzy and stupefied by that flash of sound, as if it had 
been one of lightning. Their first impulse was to set up a chorus of 
screams, as nearly as possible in the same key ; the next, to rush iu a 
body to the shop, where they found the poor orphan, as they called her, 
insensible on the floor. 

The fit was a severe one ; but, luckily the gossips were experienced 



a78 



THE GEIMSBY GHOST. 



in all kinds of swoons, hysterics, and faintings, and used each restorative 
process so vigorously, burning, choking, pinching, slapping, and excor- 
iating, that in a very few minutes the patient was restored to conscious- 
ness, and a world of pain. It was a long time, however, before she 
became collected enough to give an account of the Apparition — that 
she had seen her Mother, or at least her Ghost, standing beside her old 
desk ; that the figure had turned towards her, and had made the same 
dreadful faces as before, as if endeavouring to speak to her — a commuui- 




BEER WITH A BODr. 



cation which took such effect on the hearers that, with one exception, 
they immediately put on their bonnets and departed ; leaving old Mrs, 
Dadley, who was stone deaf, and had only imperfectly heard the story, 
to sleep with Miss Mullius in what was doomed thenceforward to be a 
Haunted House. The night, nevertheless, passed over in quiet ; but 
towards morning the ghostly JMother appeared again to the daughter in 
a dream, and with the same contortions of her mouth attempted to 
speak her mind, but with the same ill-success. The secret, whatever it 
was, seemed irrevocably committed to Silence and Eternity. 

In the mean time, ere breakfast, the walking of Widow MuUins had 
travelled from one end of Grimsby to the other ; and for the rest of the 
day the little chandler's shop at the corner of Swivel-street was sur- 
rounded by a mob of men, women, and children, who came to gaze at 
the Haunted House — not without some dim anticipations of perhaps 
seeing the Ghost at one of the windows. Few females in the position 
of Mary Mullins would have remained under its roof; but to all invi- 
tations from ^\■ell-meaning people she turned a deaf ear ; she had been 



THE GHIMSBY GHOST. 379 

born and bred on the premises— the little back-parlour was her home— 
aud from long service at the counter, she had become — to alter a single 
letter in a line of Dibdin's — 

AU one as a piece of the shop. 

As to the Apparition, if it ever appeared again, she said, " the Ghost 
was the Ghost of her own Parent, and would not harm a hair of her 
head. Perhaps, after the funeral, the Spirit would rest in peace : but 
at any rate, her mind was made up, not to leave the house — no, not till 
she was carried out of it like her poor dear Mother." 



CHAPTER VII. 

And pray, Mr Author, what is your own private opinion? Do you 
really believe in Ghosts, or that there was any truth in the story of this 
Grimsby Apparition ? " 

Heaven knows, madam 1 In ordinary cases I should have ascribed 
such a tale to a love of the marvellous ; but, as I before stated, Miss 
Mullins was not prone to romance, and had never read a work of fiction 
in her whole life. Again, the vision might have been imputed to' some 
peculiar nervous derangement of the system, lilce the famous spectral 
illusions that haunted the Berlin Bookseller — but then the young 
woman was of a hardy constitution, and in perfect health. Finally, tlie 
Pliantom might have been set down as a mere freak of fancy, the off- 
spring of an excited imagination, whereas she had no more imagination 
than a cow. Her mind was essentially commonplace, and never travelled 
beyond the routine duties and occurrences of her everyday life. Her 
very dreams, which she sometimes related, were remarked as being par- 
ticularly prosaic and insipid ; the wildest of them having only painted 
R swarm of overgrown cockroaches, in the shop-drawer, that was labelled 
"Powder Blue." Add to all this, that her character for veracity stood 
high in her native town ; and on the whole evidence the verdict must 
be in favour of the supernatural appearance. 

" Well — I will never believe in Ghosts ! " 

No, madam. Not in this cheerful drawing-room, whilst the bright 
sunshine brings out in such vivid colours the gorgeous pattern of the 
Brussels carpet — no, nor whilst such a fresh westerly air blows in at 
tlie open window, and sets the Columbines a-dancing in that China vase. 
But suppose, as King John says, that 

" The midDight bell 
Did, with his iron tongue aud brazen mouth, 
Sound one unto the drowsy race of night : 
If this same were a churchyard, where v.-e stand — '* 

the grass damp— the wind at east — the night pitch-dark — a strangely 
ill odour, and doubtful wliisllings aud whisperings wafted on the fitful 
gust. 

"Well, sir?— " 



380 



THE GEIMSBY GHOST. 



Why, then, madam, instead of disbelieving in Ghosts, you would be 
ready, between sheer fright and the chill of the night air — 
" To do what, sir ? — " 
To swallow the first spirits that offered 



CHAPTER VIII. 

The second night, at the same hour, the same melodrama of "domestic 
interest " was repeated .except that this time the maternal Phantom con- 
fronted her daughter on the landing-place at the top of the stairs. 
Another fainting fit was the consequence ; but before her senses deserted 

her, the poor creature 
had time to observe 
the identical writhings 
and twitchings of the 
distorted mouth, the 
convulsive struggles to 
speak which had so ap- 
palled her, whilst her 
departed parent was 
still in the flesh. 
Luckily, the gossips, 
backed by two or three 
she-sceptics, had ven- 
tured to return to the 
Haunted House, where 
they were startled as 
before by a shrill fe- 
minine scream, and 
again found Miss Mul- 
lins on the ground in a 
state of insensibility. 
The fit, however, was as 
treatable as the former 
one, and the usual 
strong measures having been promptly resorted to, she again became 
alive to external impressions, — and in particular that a pint of aqua- 
fortis, or something like it, was going down her throat the wrong way 
— that her little-finger had been in a band-vice — her temples had been 
scrubbed with sand and cayenne pepper, or some other such stimulants, 
and the tip of her nose had been scorched with a salamander or a burning 
feather. A. consciousness, in short, that she was still in this lower 
sphere, instead of the realms of bliss. 

The story she told on her recovery was little more than a second 
edition of the narrative of the preceding night. The Ghost had 
appeared to her, made all sorts of horrible wry mouths, and after 
several vain attempts at utterance, all ended in a convulsive gasp, had 




"r MUST COME OUT NEXT SPEINO." 



THE GEIMSBY GHOST. 



281 



suddenly clasped its shadowy hands round its throat, and then clapped 
and pressed them on its palpitating bosom, as if actually choking or 
bursting -with -the suppressed communication. Of the nature of the 
secret she did not offer the slightest 
conjecture; for the simple reason 
that she had formed none. In all 
her days she had never attempted 
successfully to guess at the com- 
monest riddle, and to solve such 
an enigma as her mother had left 
behind her was therefore quite out 
of the question. The gossips were 
less diffident ; their Wonder was 
not of the Passive, but of the Active 
kind, which goes under the alias of 
Curiosity. Accordingly, they spe- 
culated amongst themselves without 
stint or scruple, on the matter that 
the Spirit yearned so anxiously to 
reveal ; for instance, that it related 
to money, to murder, to an illegiti- 
mate child, to adulterated articles, 
to a forged will, to a favourite spot 

for burial ; nay, that it concerned matters of public interest, and the 
highest affairs of the state, one old crone expressing her decided convic- 
tion that the Ghost had to divulge a plot against the life of the Queen. 

To this excitement as to the Spectre and its mystery, the conduct of 
the Next of Kin afforded a striking contrast : instead of joining in the 
conjectural patchwork of the gossips, she silently took up the old 
variegated coverlet, and stitched, and sighed, and stitched on, till the 
breaking up of the party left her at liberty to go to bed. 

"And did she dream again of the Ghost? " 

She did, Miss; but with this difference; that the puckered mouth 
distinctly pronounced the word Mary, and then screwed and twisted out 
a few more sounds or syllables, but in a gibberish as unintelligible as 
the chatter of a monkey, or an Irvingite sentence of the Unknown 
Tongue. 




THE ANGEL OF DEATH. 



CHAPTER IX. 

The third night came— the third midnight — and with it the 
Apparition. _ It made the same frightful grimaces, and, strange to 
relate, contrived to pronounce in a hollow whisper the very word which 
It had uttered in Mary's last Dream. But the jumble of inarticulate 
sounds was wanting— the jaws gaped, «id the tongue visibly struggled, 
but there was a dead, yes, literally a dead silence. 

On this occasion, however, the daughter did not faint away ; she had 
privately taken care to be at the hour of twelve in the midst of her 



?J83 



-THE GKIMSBY GHOST. 



female friends, and her Mother appeared to her in the doorway Letweeu 
the little back parlour and the shop. The Shadow :Yas only revealed 
to herself. One of the gossips, indeed, declared afterwards that she had 
seen widow Mullins, " as like as a likeness cut out in white paper, but 
so transparent that she could look right through her body at the chaney 
Jemmy Jessamy on the mantel-piece." 

But her- story, though accepted as a true bill by nine-tentha of the 
inhabitants of Grimsby, was not honoured by any one -who was present 
that night in the little back-parlour. The two staring green eyes of 
Miss Mullins had plainly been turned, not on the fireplace, but towards 
the door, and her two bony fore-fingers had -wildly pointed in the same 
direction. Nevertheless, the more positive the contradiction, the more 
obstinately the story-teller persevered in her statement, still adding to 
its circumstantialities, till in process of time she afiirmed that she had 
not only seen the Ghost, but that she knew its secret ; namely, that the 
undertaker and his man had plotted between them to embezzle the 
body, and to send it up in a crate, marked " Chaney — this side 
upwards," to Mr. Guy in the Borough. 



CHAPTER X 

On the fourth night the Ghost appeared at the usual time, with its 
usual demeanour, — but at the shop instead of the parlour-door, close to 

the bundle of new mops. 

On the fifth, behind the 
counter, near the till. 

On the sixth night, again 
behind the counter, but at 
the other end of it beside 
the great scales. 

On the seventh night, 
■which closed the day of 
the funeral, in the little 
back-parlour. It had been 
hoped and predicted, that 
after the interment, the 
Spirit would cease to walk 
— whereas at midnight, it reappeared, as aforesaid, in the room behind 
the shop, between the table and the window. 

On the eighth night, it became visible again at the old desk, between 
the groat black coffee-mill and the herring-barrel. In the opinion of 
Miss Mullins, the Spectre had likewise crossed her path sundry times 
in the course of the day — at least she had noticed a sort of film or haze 
that interposed itself before ^ndry objects — for instance, the great 
stone-bottlo of vinegar in the sliop, and the framed print of " the Witch 
of Endor calling up Samuel," in the back room. On all these occasions 
the Phantom had exhibited the same urgent impulse to speak, with the 




MY MATIVE GROT. 



THE GRIMSBY GHOST 



283 



same spasmodic action of tlie features, and if possible, a still more 
intense expression of anxiety and anguish. The despairing gestures 
and motions of the visionary arms and hands were more and moro 
vehement. It vfas a tragic pantomime, to have driven any other 
spectator raving mad ! • 

Even the dull phlegmatic nature of Miss Mullins at last began to bo 
stirred aud excited by the reiteration of so awful a spectacle : and her 
curiosity, slowly but surely, 

became interested in the un- ,i ' ,, Mf , mAw 

divulged secret which could ^1^^' ''ill*- '''^ .V*., .V( \\^^ ■ 
thus keep a disembodied spirit 
from its appointed resting- 
place, the weighty necessity 
which could alone recal a de- 
parted soul to earth, after it 
had once experienced the deep 
calm and quiet of the grave. 
The sober sorrow of the 

mourner was changed into a 

feverish fretting — she could 

no longer eat, drink, or sleep, 

or sit still, — the patchwork 

quilt was thrust away in a 

corner, and as to the shop, 

the little dirty boy, and the 

little ragged girl were obliged 

to repeat their retail orders 

thrice over to the bewildered • 

creature behind the counter, w even then was apt to go to the wrong 

box, can, or canistei', — to serve them out train-oil instead of treacle, 

and soft-soap in lieu of Dorset butter. 

What wonder a rumour went throughout Grimsby that she was crazy ? 

But instead of going out of her mind, she had rather come into it, and 

for the first strange time was exercising her untrained faculties on one 

of the most perplexing mysteries that had ever puzzled a human brain. 

No marvel, then, that she gave change twice over for the same sixpence, 

and sent little Sniggers home with a bar of soap instead of a stick of 

brimstone. In fact, between her own absence of mind and the presence 

of mind of her customers, she sold so many good bargains, that the 

purchasers began to wish that a Deaf and Dumb Ghcst would haunt 

every shop in the town ! 




"1 'bide .my time. 



CHAPTER XI 

AccoEUJNG to the confession of our first and last practitioners, the 
testimony of medical works, and the fatal results of most cases of 
Trismus, there is no surgical operation on the" human subject so difficult 
as the picking of a Locked Jaw. No skeleton key has yet been invented' 



284 IHE GHIMSBT GHOST 

by our body-smiths that will open a mouth thus spasmodically closed. 
The organ is in what the Americans call an everlasting fix — the poor 
man is booked — and you may at once proceed to put up the rest of his 
shutters. 

This difficulty, however, only occurs in respect. to the physical frame. 
For a spiritual lock-jaw there is a specific mode of treatment, which, 
according to tradition, has generally proved successful in overcoming 
the peculiar Trismus to which all Apparitions are subject, and which 
has thus enabled them to break that melancholy silence, which must 
otherwise have prevailed in their intercourse with the living. The 
modus operandi is extremely simple, and based on an old-fashioned rule, 
to which, for some obscure reason, ghosts as well as good little boys 
seem bound to adhere, i e., not to speak till they are spoken to. It is 
only necessary, therefore, if you wish to draw out a dumb Spirit, to 
utter the first word. 

Strange to say, this easy and ancient prescription never occurred to either 
Miss Mullins or her gossips till the ninth day, when Mrs. Humphreys, 




A SHE RUFFIAN. 



happening to stumble on the old rule in her son's spelling-book, at the 
same time hit on the true cause of the silence of the " Mysterious 
Mother." It was immediately determined that the same night, or at 
least the very first time the Spirit re-appeared, it should be spoken to ; 
the very terms of the filial address, like those of a Eoyal Speech, being 
acreed on beforehand, at the same council. Whether the orator, the 
appointed hour and the expected auditor considered, would remember 
so long a sentence, admitted of some doubt ; however it was learned by 
rote, and having fortified herself with a glass of cordial, and her backers 
having fortified themselves with two, the trembling Mary awaited the 
awful interview, conning over to herself the concerted formula, which to 
assist her memory had been committed to paper. 

" Muther, if so be you ar my muther, and as such being spoke 
to, speak I cunjer you, or now and ever after old your Tung." 



THE GRIMSBY GHOST. 



886 



CHAPTER XII. 

One — Two — Three — Four — Five — Six — Seven — Eight — Nine — 
Ten— Eleven— TWELVE ! 

The Hour was come and the Ghost. True to the last stroke of the 
clock, it appeared like a figure projected from a magic lantern, on the 
curtain at the foot of the bed — for, through certain private reasons of 
her own, Miss Mullins had resolved not only to be alone, but to receive 
her visitor — as the French ladies do — ^in her chambre a coucher. 
Perhaps she did not care that any ear but her own should receive a 
disclosure which might involve 
matters of the most delicate 
nature ; a secret that might per- 
chance afTect the reputation of 
her late parent, or her own social 
position. However, it was in 
solitude and from her pillow, 
that with starting eyeballs, and 
outstretched arms, she gazed for 
the ninth time on the silent 
Phantom, which had assumed a 
listening expression, and an ex- 
pectant attitude, as if it had 
been invisibly present at the 
recent debate, and had over- 
heard the composition of the 
projected speech. But that 
speech was never to be spoken. 

In vain poor Mary tried to give it utterance ; it seemed to stick, like an 
apothecaiy's powder, in her throat — to her fauces, her palate, her 
tongue, and her teeth, so that she could not get it out of her mouth. 

The Ghost made a sign of impati^ce. 

Poor Mary gasped. 

The Spirit frowned and apparently stamped with its foot. 

Poor Mary made another violent effort to speak, but only gave a sort 
of tremulous croak. 

The features of the Phantom again began to work — the muscles about 
the mouth quivered and twitched. 

Poor Mary's did the same. 

The whole face of the Apparition was drawn and puckered by a 
spasmodic paroxysm, and poor Mary felt that she was imitating the 
contortions, and even that hideous grin, the risus sardonicus, which had 
inspired her with such horror. 

At last with infinite difficulty, she contrived by a desperate effort to 
utter a short ejaculation— but brief as it was it sufficed to break the 
spell. 




MOTHER OF PEARL. 



280 



THE OEIMSBY GHOST. 



The Gbost, as if it had only awaited the blessed sound of one single 
syllable from the human voice, to release its own vocal organs from their 
mysterious thraldom, instantly spoke. 

But the words are worthy of a separate chapter. 



CHAPTER XIII, 

" Manj ! it arn't hooked — hut there's tuppence for sandpaper as 
number nine ! " 

Note. — "It is mucli to the Discredit of Gthosts," — says Johannes Lanternus, in his 
"Treatise of Apparitions," — " that they doe so commonly revisit the Earth on snch 
tririal Errands as would hardly justify a journey from London to York, much less 
from one World to another. Grave and weighty ought to be the Matter that can 
awaken a Spirit from the deep Slumbers of the Tomb : solemn and potent must be 
the Spell, to induce the liberated Soul, divorced with such mortal Agony from its 
human Clothing, to put on merely such flimsy Atoms, as may render it visible to tie 
Eye of Flesh. For neither willingly nor wantonly doth the Spirit of a Man forsake 
its Bubterrane Dwelling, as may be seen in the awful Question by the Ghost of Samuel 
to the Witch of Endor — 'Wherefore hast thou disquieted Me and called Me up!' 
And yet, forsooth, a walking Phantom shall break the Bonds of Death, and perchance 
the Bonds of Hell to boot, to go on a Message, which concerns but an Individual, and 
not a great one either, or at most a Family, nor yet one of Note, — for Example, to 
disclose the lurking Place of a lost Will, or of a Pot of Money in Dame Perkins her 
back Yard, — Whereas such a Supernatural Intelligencer hath seldom been vouchsafed 
to reveal a State Plot — to prevent a Royal Murther, or avert the Shipwrack of an 
whole Empire. Wherefore I conclude that many or most Ghost Stories have had their 
rise in- the Self-Conceit of vain ignorant People, or the Arrogance of great Families, 
who take Pride in the Belief that their mundane Affairs are of so impurtant a Pitch, 
as to perturb departed Souls, even amidst the Pains of Purgatory, or the Pleasures of 
Paradise." 




AN OLD ONE— DOT GOOD, WITri DOTH IIANPS IN THK RIKC 



S87 



SIR JOHN BOWRING 



To Bowring, man of many tongues, 

(All over tongues like rumour) 

This tributary verse belongs 

To paint his learned humour ; 

All kinds of gabs he talks, I wis 

From Latin down to Scottish , 

As fluent as a parrot is, 

But far more PoiZi/-glottish ! 

No grammar too ahtruse he meets 

However dark and verby, — 

He gossips Greek about the streets. 

And often Buss— in urhe — : 

Strange tongues whate'er you do thera call, 

In short, the man is able 

To tell you what's o'clock in all 

The dialects of Babel. 

Take him on 'Change ; try Portuguese, 

The Moorish and the Spanish, 

Polish, Hungarian, Tyrolese, 

The Swedish and the Danish ; 

Try him with these and fifty such, 

His skill will ne'er diminish. 

Although you should begin in Dutoli 

And end (like me) in Finnish. 




BRUTE EMANCIPATION. 



988 




FANCY PORTRAITS.— ROWT,\XD AND SOK, 



THE EEPEAL OF THE UNION. 



It was a fine, clear, moonligbt night, and Mike Mahonej' was 
strolling on the beach of the Bay of Bealcreagh — who knows why? 
perhaps to gather dhoolamaun, or to look for a crab, but thinking 
intensely of nothing at all, because of the tune he was whistling, — 
when looking seaward, he saw, at about a stone's cast from the shore, a 
dark object which appeared like a human head. Or was it a seal ? 
Or a keg of whiskey ? Alas ! no such good luck ! The dark object 
moved like a living thing, and approaching nearer and nearer, into 
shallower water, revealed successively the neck and the shoulders of a 
man. 

Mike wondered extremely. It was a late hour for a gentleman to be 
bathing, and there was no boat or vessel within Leandering distance, 
from which the unknown might have swum. Meanwhile, the stranger 
approached, the gliding motion of the figure suddenly changing into a 
floundering, as if having got within bis depth, he was wading through 
the deep mud. 

Hitherto, the object, amid the broad path of silver light, had been a 
dark one; but diverging a little out of the glittering water, it now 
became a bright one, and Mike could make out the features at least as 
plainly as those of the Man in the Moon. At last the creature stopped 
a few fathoms off, and in a sort of " forrin voice," such as the Irishman 
had never heard before, called to Mike Mahoney. 

Mike crossed himself, and answered to his name. 

" What do you take me for ? " asked the stranger. 

" Divil knows," thought Mike, taking a terrible scratch at his red 
head, but he said nothing. 



THE EEPEAL OF THE UNION. 



289 



"Look here then," said the stranger; and plunging head down- 
vrards, as for a dive, he raised and flourished in the air a fish's tail, 
like a salmon's, but a great deal bigger. After this exhibition had 
lasted for about a minute, the tail went down, and the head came up 
again. 

" Now you know, of course, what I am ? " 

" Why, thin," said Mike, with a broad grin, " axing your pardon, 
take it you're a kind of Half Sir." 

" True for you," said the Merman, for such he was, in a very 
melancholy tone. " I am only half a gentleman, and it's what troubles 
me, day and night. But I'll come more convenient to you. " 

And by dint of great exertion, partly crawling, and partly shooting 
himsclt forward with his tail, shrimp fashion, he contrived to reach the 
beach, when he rolled him- 
self close to Mike's feet, 
which instinctively made a 
step apiece in retreat. 

" Never fear, Mike," said 
the Merman, " it's not in 
my heart to hurt one of the 
finest peasantry in the 
world." 

"Why, thin, you'd not 
object maybe," inquired 
Mike, not quite reassured, 
" to cry O'Connell for 
ever ? " 

" By no means," replied 
the Merman ; "or Success 
to the Kent." 

" Faix, where did he lam 
that?" muttered Mike to 
himself. 

"Water is a good con- 
ductor of sound," said the 
Merman, with a wink of 
one of his round, skyblue eyes. 
you think of Father Mathew's." 

" Bedad, that's true ! " exclaimed Mike, 
heard of the Repale?" 

" Ah, that's it," said the Merman, with a long-drawn sigh, and a 
forlorn shake of the head, " That's just it. It's in your power, Mike, 
to do me the biggest favour in the world." 

" With all the pleasure in life," replied Mike, " provided there's 
neither sin nor shame in it." 

" Not the least taste of either " returned the Merman. " It is only 
that you will help me to repeal this cursed Union, that has joined the 
best part of an Irish gentleman to the worst end of a fish." 

V 




FANCY POHTHAIT. — ^AUDl'BON. 



' It can carry a voice a long way — if 
' And in course you'll have 



SECOND SERIES, 



200 



THE REPEAL OF THE USl'ON, 



" Murther alive ! " ehouted Mike, jumping a step backward, " what! 
cut off your honour's tail ! " 

" That very same," said the Merman. " ' Hereditary bondsmen, 
know ye not, who would be free, themselves must strike the blow.' But 
you see, Milce, it's impossible in my case to strike the blow myself." 

" Shure, and so it is," said Mike, reflectively, " and if I thought you 
would not be kilt entirely — which would be half a murder anyhow — " 

"Never fear, Mike. Only cut exactly through the first row of scales, 
between the fish and the flesh, and I shall feel no pain, nor will j'ou 
even spill a drop of blood." 

Mike shook his head doubtfully — very doubtfully indeed, and then 
muttered to himself, 

" Divil a hit of a Eepale without that ! " 

"Not a drop, I tell you," said the Merman, " there's my hand on it," 
and he held out a sort of flesh-coloured paw, with webs between the fingers. 
" It's a bai-gain," said Mike, " but after all," and he grinned 
knowingly at the Merman, " supposing your tail cut off from you, it's 
small walking ye '11 get, onless I couldlend you the loan of a pair o' legs " 
" True for you, Mike," replied the Merman, " but it's not the 
walking that I care for. It's the sitting, Mike," and he winljed again 
with his round, sky-blue eye, " it's the sitting, and which you see ia 
mighty unconvenient, so long as I am linked to this scaly Saxon 
appendage." 

" Saxon is it ! " bellowed Mike, " hurrah then for the Eepale ! " and 
whipping out a huge clasp-knife from his pocket, he performed the 
operation exactly as the Merman had directed, 
— and, strange to say of an Irish operation, 
without shedding a drop of blood. 

" There," said Mike, having first kicked the 
so dissevered tail into the sea, and then setting 
up the Half-Sir like a ninepin on the broad 
end, " there you are, free and indepindint, and 
fit to sit where you plase." 

" Millia Beachus, Mike,'' replied the Mer 
man, " and as to the sitting where 1 please," 
here he nodded three times very significantly, 
" the only seat that will please me will be in 
College Green." 

" Och ! that will be a proud day for Ireland ! " 
said Mike, attempting to shout, and intending 
to cut a caper and to throw up his hat. But 
his limbs were powerless, and his mouth only 
gaped in a prodigious yawn. As his mouth closed again his eyes 
opened, but he could see nothing that he could make head or tail of — 
the Merman was gone. 

" Bedftd ! " exclaimed Mike, shutting his eyes again, and rubbing the 
lids lustily with his knuckles, " what a dhrame I've had of the Repale 
of the Union ! " 




FANCY PORTRAIT. — 
VAN PICKFORD. 



291 
A SKETCH ON THE EOAD. 

"All haTe their exits and their entrances." 



It is a treat to see Prudery get into an omnibus. Of course sbe 
rejects the hand that is held out to her by male Civility. It might 
give her a squeeze. Neither does she take the first vacant place ; but 
looks cut for a seat, if possible, between an innocent little girl and an 
old woman. In the meantime the omnibus moves on. Prudery 
totters — makes a snatch at Civility's nose — or his neck — or anywhere 
— and missing her hold rebounds to the other side of the vehicle, and 
plumps down in a strange gentleman's lap. True modesty would have 
escaped all these indecorums. 




A riN-AFORE, 



EPIGRAM 

ON A LATE CATTLE-SHOW IN BMITHFIELB. 



Old Farmer Bull is taken sick, 
Yet not with any sudden trick 

Of fever, or his old dyspepsy ; 
But having seen the foreign stock. 
It gave his system such a shock 

He's had a fit of Cattle-epsy ! 



EPIGRAM. 



When would-be Suicides in purpose fail, 

Who could not find a morsel though they needed — 

If Peter sends them for attempts to jail, 

What would he do to them if they succeeded ? 

v2 



292 




' WE havem't met this age." 



PIYDEOPATHY, OE THE COLD WATER CURE, 

AS PRACTISED BT VINCENT PEIESSNITZ, AT GRAFENBEKG. 
BY P.. T. OLAEIDOE, ESQ. 



"The element tliat never tires." — Basil Hall. 



The greatest daoger to the health or life in Foreign Travelling, at 
least in Germany, is notoriously from damp linen. A German-Ofen is 
not adapted for the process vulgarly called "airing," and the " Galloping 
Horse," alluded to by Wordsworth in his poem on a Hanoverian Stove, 
is anything Lut a clothes-horse. If you send your linen to be washed, 
therefore, you must expect in return a shirt as damp as a Dampschiff — 
stockings as dripping as the hose of a fire engine, and a handkerchief 
with which you cannot dry your eyes. As a matter of course, you must 
look, now and then, for a wet blanket, or a moist sheet ; and should 
that be the case, there is only one warming-pan to our knowledge in 
the Rhenish Provinces — and that one is at Coblenz. 

Now this drawback would alone prove a damper to many an English 
Tourist, who would otherwise go up the Rhine : for of what avail are 
all his Patent Waterproof articles — his umbrella, his Macintosh, his 
galoshes, India-rubber shoes, and Perring's beaver, whilst he is thus 



HtDROPATH'X, OE THE COLD WATER CUBE. 



393 



liable to wet next his skin. In fact, we believe this danger, more than 
any sea risk or land peril, has deterred thousands of Valetudinarians 
from repairing to Germany to drink the waters — accompanied by the 
unwholesome probability of chilling the skin, closing the pores, and 
checking the insensible, invisible perspiration by putting on humid 
garments ; than which nothing can be more injurious to even the 
strongest constitution, — witness the fatal shirt that clung so to Hercules, 
and which, allowing for mythological embellishment, was no doubt 
simply a clean one — sent to him wringing wet by that jade Dejanira. 

The catastrophe of the great Alcides rests, however, on the very 
doubtful testimony of Greek 
historians. It is true, that 
by our English sanatory 
notions he ought to have 
died — say of inflammation 
on the lungs — but according 
to the Hydropathists, the 
Strong Man ought to have 
been only the stronger for 
a " Gold Wet Bandaging." 
Instead of cutting his stick 
— or rather club — he ought 
merely to have broken out 
in salutary boils, which 
would have removed all his 
complaints, if he had any — 
for example, one Mr. Kausse 
names all chronic diseases 
of the lungs, all organic de- 
fects, and all diseases in 
people whose muscles and 
sinews are past all power of 
action, and from whom the 
vital principle has passed 
beyond recovery — which said people, if we know anything of plain 
English, must be neither more nor less than " Stiffuns ! " And to con- 
firm this cadaverous view of them, p. 74 declares that these assertions 
of Mr. Rausse are supported by a Mr. Raven ! 

Professor Munde, however, who was cured of a painful complaint 
during his residence at Griifenberg, stops short of the cure of Death by 
light or heavy wet, but enumerates Gout, Rheumatism, Tic Doloureux, 
Hernia, Hypochondria, Piles, Fevers of all kinds. Inflammations, 
Cholera, &c. &c. &c., to which Mr. Claridge adds a list, by the 
Reverend John Wesley, of some hundred of diseases, in man, woman, 
and child, to be cured by " Primitive Physic," alias Aqua Pumpy. 
Nay, we have cases of Illustrious Patients — Baron Blank, Count Dash, 
General Asterisk, the Marquis de Anonymous, and others, who were all 
well washed, and all washed well, — and so far from suffering from wet 




SCHLANGENBAD. " IT HAVE GIVEN 
ME QUITE A TURN ! " 



894 HYDROPATHy, OR THE COLD WATER CURE. 

linen, were actually swaddled in it; and instead of being chilled, 
actually heated from being put up damp, like haystacks. It follows that 
Hercules could not be carried off in the way supposed, — and especially 
if he enjoyed such indelicate health as he exhibits in his pictures and 
statues. 

The common dread of water and wetting seems certainly to be rather 
overstrained. We think little, indeed, of the instance of Thomas Cam, 
aged 207, of whose burial registry Mr. Claridge furnishes an extract 
from the parish books ; first, because there is no evidence that this very 
"Old Tom" was in the habit of soaking his clay with water; and 
secondly, because 207 ivas very probably the way with an ignorant 
Clerk of setting down 27. Neither do we attach much weight to the 
opinions of the Travellers, who " assure us that amongst the Arabs this 
age is not unfrequently attained, and that men are frequently married 
at a hundred years of age ; first, because the Desert is not particularly 
well supplied with water ; and secondly, that consequently the Arabs 
must be of rather dry habits. But looking at another animal which 
lives in the wet, and is one of the greatest of water-drinkers, namely, 
the whale, we are quite ready to allow, as to its longevity, that it is 
" the longest creature as lives." 

Take courage, then, ye Valetudinarians, and apply for your passports. 
Go fearlessly up the Rhine, into swampy Holland, or Belgium, or 
wherever you will. Your old bugbears are actually benefits — real 
reforms to the constitution. Write on yourselves if you choose, " This 
side uppermost," but omit the fellow direction, " To be kept dry." 
You will thrive like the hydrangeas the more you are watered. Eide 
outside, and forget your umbrella. Prefer soaked coachboxes and sloppy 
boats — and if you even go overboard, remember that the mother of 
Achilles, to make him invulnerable, ducked him in a river. Ask for 
damp sheets, and pay extra for a wet blanket — nay, never say die, 
though after a jolly night you find the next morning that you have slept 
in a dewy meadow, with the moon for a warming-pan. If, in walking 
on St. Swithin's day, you happen to get under a spout, stay there — it's 
a Douch-Bad — vide Frontispiece, figure 4, and you are lucky in getting 
it gratis. Should you chance to trip and throw yourself a fair back-fall, 
with your head in a puddle, don't rise, but lie there as contentedly as a 
drunkard, for that — see figure 2 — is a Kopf-Bad. Instead of striding 
over a kennel, step into it, — for it is as good as a Fuss-Bad. And 
when a tub of cold water comes in your way, squat down in it like 
Parson Adams, when he played at " the Ambassador," for that is a Sitz- 
Bad — as you may see in figure 3, where a gentleman is sitting, as 
happy as a Merman with his tail in a tub, and reading Claridge on the 
" Cold Water Cure ! " 

And should you experience, though you ought not, any aguish chills, 
or rheumatic pains from this mode of conduct — push on at once to Grafen- 
berg, where Vincent Priessnitz will soak all complaints out of you, like 
the salt from a ling. As the preface says, it is " only eight or ten days' 
journey from London," and you may go either by Osteud or Hamburg ; 



HYDROPATHY, OB THE COLD WATER CURE. 



295 



but the first route is the best, because you can wet your thirst by the 
way at the springs of Aix-la-Chapelle, and the Brunnens of Nassau. 
For our own parts we prefer our washing done at home ; but never 
mind us. Push on for the great Fountain Tavern in Silesia, for depend 
upon it whatever you fee], whether flushes, shudderings, gnawings, 
cravings, creepings, shootings, throbbings, darlings and prickings — it is 
only Nature boring for water. 

Never stop, then, except perhaps for a minute or so to look at the 
votive fountain the Wallaohian and Moldavian patients have erected, 
dedicated "Au Genie de I'Eau Froide," — never halt till you have 
reached the famous House of Call for 
Water-men, and pledged the great 
Aquarius himself in a goblet of his 
own Adam's ale. If you are faint it 
will revive you, if thirsty it will refresh 
you, and if j'ou have broken a bone or 
two by the upsetting of a diligence, the 
very man for a fracture stands before 
you. In fact his first exploit in Hydro- 
pathy was with cold water and wet 
bandages, and some little assistance 
from a table, to set and mend two of his 
own broken ribs ! After that if you are 
so unreasonable as still to require any 
evidence of the peculiar virtues of the 
fluid, know that by drinking and dis- 
pensing it, ice-cold though it be, Vin- 
cent Priessnitz has made himself so 
warm that he is worth 50,000i. 

The above advice, it must be remembered, is not ours, but drawn from 
the book before us, We should be loth to be responsible personally for 
any lady or gentleman going so far off as Silesia to drown themselves, 
and by the awfully premeditated process of taking " twenty glasses of 
water a day." Neither should we like to have to answer to a visitor to 
Grafenberg for the discomfort of a room like " a soldier's chamber in a 
barrack," so low that Mr. Gross could not stand upright in it — with no 
better furniture than a bedstead with a straw mattress — a chest of deal 
drawers, a table, two chairs, a decanter and glass (for water only) and an 
" enormous washhand-basin." It would vex us to have commended any 
one to a table where it is generally complained that the food " though 
plentiful is coarse." He might not be pleased either with the remedy 
of drinking so much cold water, that there was little room for the solids. 
And, above all, he would naturally cry out against the heart-burnings 
incurred by Mr. Claridge himself, and which were relieved by a cure 
certainly worse than the disease. 

" The burning liquid which rises from the stomach to the throat is 
often caused at Grafenberg by the abundance of the greasy food with 
which the table is supplied. At the period of the crisis it frequently 




CUKLINO FLUID. 



296 



HYDROPATHY, OE THE COLD WATE3 CUEE. 



makes its appearence at the termination of humours, of which part is 
discharged by the first courses. I was sharply attacked by it at this 
period of the treatment, and 'a diarrhcea xvhich I brought on in 
gorging myself with cold ' wafer during two days completely cured me ' " 
—p. 337. 

Now, it may be well for Priessnitz, who boards and lodges his patients, 
to prescribe water by the pailful to prevent gluttony ; or to give them 

h|iii.,iiiiii.. 




A DKOP OF THE CREATURE. 



such beds and rooms as must necessarily promote early rising and 
encourage exercise out of doors. It may be quite consistent with his 
theory to neither light nor pave his neighbourhood, so that his clients 
are sure on a rainy day of a Mud-bath in addition to their other ones. 
But, as we said before, we should not like to advise any one we love or 
like to put themselves under his wet hands, unless inordinately fond of 
duck and cold pig. Moreover, many points of his treatment are prac 
tised, if not openly at least secretly, in our own country ; and at a con- 
sequent saving of all the trouble and expense to the patients of a 
journey to Silesia. The damp sheet system is no secret to the chamber- 
maids at our provincial inns, and the metropolitan publicans and milk- 
men are far from blind to the virtues of cold water as a beverage. A 
fact that probably accounts for the peculiar healthiness of London com- 
pared with other capitals. 

To be candid, we have besides a private prejudice against anything 
like a Grand Catholicon — not the Pope, but an universal remedy for all 
diseases, from elephantiasis down to pip. And we become particularly 



HYDROPATHY, OE THE COLD WATER ODRE. 



897 



sceptical when we meet with a specific bacljed by such a testimonial as 
that of the Rev. John Wesley in favour of Water versus Hydrophobia. 

" And this, I apprehend, accounts for its frequently curing the bite of 
a mad dog, especially if it be repeated for twenty-five or thirty days 
sucessively." — p. 8]. 

Of which we can only say, that on the production of certificates of 
three such cures, signed by a respectable turncock, we will let whoever 
likes it be worried by a mad pack of hounds, and then cure him by only 
showing him Aldgate-pump. 

Moreover, we are aware of the aptitude of our cousins the Germans 
to go the whole way " and a bittock " in their theories. As Mr. Puff 
says of the theatrical people, " Give those fellows a good thing and they 
never know when to have done with it." Thus allowing the element to 
be wholesome, for ablution or as a beverage, they order you not only to 
swig, sit, stand, lie, and soak in it, but actually to snuff it up your nose 
— what is a bridge without water? — for a cold in the head ! — p. 228. 

It was our intention to have quoted a case of fever which was got 
under much as Mr. Braidwood would have quenched an inflammation in a 
house. But our limits forbid. In the mean time it has been our good 
fortune, since reading Claridge on Hydropathy, to see a sick drake avail 
himself of the " Cold Water Cure " at the dispensary in St. James's- 
park First in waddling in, he took a Fuss-Bad; then he took a 
Sitz-Bad, and then, turning his curly tail up into the air, he took a 
Kopf-Bad. Lastly, he rose almost upright on his latter end, and made 
such a triumphant flapping with his wings, that we really expected he 
was going to shout " Priessnitz for ever ! " But no such thing. He 
only cried, " Quack ! quack ! quack ! " 




CUniSTMAB PAHIOMIMB. 



ass 




A WHIPPEE IN. 



ME. CHUBB. 



A PISCATORY ROMANCE. 



' ' Let me live harmlessly, and near the brink 

Of Trent or Avon have a dwelling place, 

Where I may see my quill or cork down sink 

With eager bite of Perch, or Bleak, or Dace." — J. Datoks. 

" I care not, I, to fish in seas, 

Fresh rivers best my mind do please. 

Whose sweet calm course I contemplate. 

And seek in life to imitate." — Pisoatok's Soko. 

" The ladies, angling in the chrystal lake. 
Feast on the -waters with the prey they take, 
At once victorious with their lines and eyes. 
They make the fishes and the men their prize. "- 



-Waller. 



CHAPTEK I. 

Mb. Chubb was not, by habit and repute, a fislierman. Angling 
had never been practically his hobby. He was none of those 
enthusiasts in the gentle craft, who as soon as close time comes to an 
end, are sure to be seen in a punt at Hampton Deeps, under the 
arches of Kew Bridge, or on the banks of the New Kiver, or the Lna, 
trolling for jack, ledgering for barbel, spinning for trout, roving for 



MB. CHUBB. 299 

perch, dapping for chub, angling for gudgeon, or whipping for bleak. 
He had never fished but once in his life, on a chance holiday, and 
then caught but one bream, but that once sufficed to attach him to 
the pastime ; it was so still, so quiet, so lonely ; the very thing for a 
shy, bashful, nervous man, as taciturn as a post, as formal as a yew 
hedge, and as sedate as a Quaker. Nevertheless he did not fall in 
love with fishing, as some do, rashly and madly, but as became his 
character, discreetly and with deliberation. It was not a hasty passion, 
but a sober preference founded on esteem, and accordingly instead of 
plunging at once into the connexion, he merely resolved, in his heart, 
that at some future time he would retire from the hosiery line, and take 
to one of gut, horsehair, or silk. 

In pursuance of this scheme, whilst he steadily amassed the necessary 
competence, he quietly accumulated the other requisites ; from time to 
time investing a few more hundreds in the Funds, and occasionally 
adding a fresh article to his tackle, or a new guide or treatise to liis 
books on the art. Into these volumes, at his leisure, he dipped, 
gradually storing his mind with the piscatory rules, "line upon line, 
and precept upon precept," till in theory he was a respectable pro- 
ficient. And in his Sunday walks, he commonly sought the banks of 
one or other of our Middlesex rivers, where, glancing at sky and water, 
with a speculative eye, he would whisper to himself — " a fine day for the 
perch," or " a likely hole for a chub ; " but from all actual pi'aotice he 
religiously abstained, carefully hoarding it up, hke his money, at 
compound interest, for that delicious Otium-and- Water, which, sooner 
or later, Hope promised he should enjoy. 

In the meantime, during one of these suburban rambles, he observed, 
near Enfield Chase, a certain row of snug little villas, each with its own 
garden, and its own share of the New Eiver, which flowed between the 
said pleasure-grounds on one side, and a series of private meadows on 
the other. The houses, indeed, were in pairs, two under one roof, but 
each garden was divided from the next one by an evergreen fence, tall 
and thick enough to screen the proprietor from neighbourly observa- 
tion ; whilst the absence of any public footpath along the fields equally 
secured the residents from popular curiosity. A great consideration 
with an angler, who, near the metropolis, is too liable to be accosted by 
some confounded hulking fellow with " What sport, — how do they 
bite ? " — or annoyed by some pestilent little boy, who will intrude in 
his swim. 

" Yes, iliat's the place for me," thought Mr. Chubb, especially 
alluding to a green lawn which extended to the water's edge — not 
forgetting a tall lignum vitse tree, against which, seated in an ideal arm 
chair, he beheld his own Eidolon, in the very act of pulling out an 
imaginary fish, as big and bright as a fresh herring. 

" Yes, that is the place for me," muttered Mr. Chubb ; " so snug — 
so retired — so all to one's self ! Nobody to overlook, nothing to 
interrupt one ! — No towing-path — no barges — no thoroughfare — Bless 
my soul ! it's a perfect little Paradise ! " 



300 



MR. CHDBB. 



And it was the place for him indeed — for some ten years afterwards 
the occupant died suddenly of apoplexy — whereupon Mr. Chubb bought 
the property, sold off his business, and retiring to the villa, which he 
christened "Walton Cottage," prepared to realise the long water- 
souchyish dream of his middle age. 

•• And did he catch anything? " 

My dear Miss Hastie — do, pray, allow the poor gentleman a few 
moments to remove, and settle himself in his new abode, and in the 
meanwhile, let me recommend you to the care of that allegorical Job in 
petticoats, who is popularly supposed to recreate herself, when she is 
not smiling on a monument, by fishing in a punt. 



CHAPTEE II. 

Eureka ! 

The day, the happy day is come at last, and no bride, in her pearl 
silk and orange flowers, after a protracted courtship, ever felt a more 
blissful flutter of spirits than Mr. Chubb, as in a bran-new white hat, 
fustian jacket, and drab leggings, he stands on the margin of the New 
Kiver, about to become an angler for better or worse. 

The morning is propitious. The sky is slightly clouded, and a gentle 
southerly zephyr just breathes, here and there, on the grey water, 
which is thickly studded with little dimples that dilate into rings, — 
signs, as sure as those in the zodiac, of Aquarius and Pisces. A 
comfortable arm-chair is planted in the shadow of the tall lignum vitse 

— to the right, on the 



lies a landing net, and on the 
left, a basket big enough to 
receive a Salmon. Mr. Chubb 
himself stands in front of the 
chair; and having satisfied 
his mind, by a panoramic 
glance, of his complete soli- 
tude, begins precipitately to 
prepare his tackle, by drawing 
the strings of a long brown- 
holland case into a hard double 
knot. But he is too happy to 
swear, so he only blesses his 
soul, patiently unravels the 
knot, and complacently allows 
the rod to glide out of the 
linen cover. With deliberate 
care he fits each joint in its 
socket, — from the butt glitter- 
ing with bright brass, to the 
tapering top— and then, with supple wrist, proves the beautiful pliancy 
of the " complete thing." Next from the black leather pocket-book he 




WATEK KELPY. 



MR. 0HUB3. 



301 




L0VE3 LABOUR LOST. 



selects a line of exquisite fineness, and attaches it by the loop to the 
small brazen wire ring at the point of the whalebone. The fine gut, 
still retaining its angles from the reel, like a long zigzag of gossamer, 
vibrates to the elastic rod, which in turn quivers to the agitated hand, 
tremulous with excite- 
ment. But what ails 
Mr. Chubb ? All at once 
he starts off into the 
strangest and wildest va- 
garies, — now clutching 
like Macbeth at the air- 
drawn dagger, and then 
suddenly wheeling round 
like a dog trying to catch 
his own tail — now snatch- 
ing at some invisible blue 
bottle buzzing about his 
nose, — next flea-hunting 
about his clothes, and 
then staring skywards 

with goggle eyes, and rouud open mouth, as if he would take a minnow ! 
A few bars rest — and off he goes again, — jumping, — spinning, — skipp- 
ing right and left — no urchin striving to apprehend Jack o'Lantern 
ever cut more capers. 

He is endeavouring to catch his line that he may bait the hook ; but 
the breeze carries it far a-field, and the spring of the rod jerks it to and 
fro, here and there and everywhere but into his eager hand. Some- 
times the shot swing into his eye, sometimes the float bounces into his 
mouth or bobs against his nose, and then, half caught, they spring up 
perpendicularly, and fall down again, with the clatter of hail, on the 
crown of his white beaver. At last he succeeds — at least the hook 
anchors in the skirts of his jacket. But he is in too good humour to 
curse. Propping the rod upright against the tall lignum vitae, he 
applies both hands to the rescue, and has just released the hook from 
the fustian, when down drops the rod, with a terrible lash of its top- 
joint in the startled stream, — whilst the barbed steel, escaping from 
his right finger and thumb, flies off like a living insect, and fastens its 
sting in the cuff of his left sleeve with such good will, that it must be 
cut out with a penknife. Still he does not blaspheme. At some 
damage to the cloth, the Kirby is set free — and the line is safe in 
hand. A little more cautiously he picks up the dripping rod, and pro- 
ceeds to bait the hook — not without great difficulty and delay, for a 
worm is a wriggling slippery thing, with a natural aversion to being 
lined with wire, and when tlie fingers are tremulous besides, the job 
is a stiff one. Nevertheless he contrives, ill or well, to impale a small 
brandling ; but remembering that he ought first to have plumbed the 
depth of the water, removes the worm and substitutes a roll of thin 
lead. Afterwards he adjusts the float to the proper soundings, and 



303 MB. CHUBB. 

then there is all the wriggling slippery nervous process to be gone 
through over again. But Patience, the angler's virtue, still supports 
him. The hook is baited once more,— he draws a long deep sigh of 
satisfaction, and warily poising his rod, lets the virgin line drop gently 
into the rippling stream ! 

Now then all is right ! Alas, no ! The float instead of swimming 
erect, sinks down on its side for want of sufficient ballast ; a trying 
dilemma, for the cure requires a rather delicate operation. In fact, six 
split shot successively escape from his trembling fingers — a seventh he 
succeeds in adjusting to the line, on which he rashly attempts to close 
the gaping lead with his teeth ; but unluckily his incisors slip beside 
the leaden pellet, and with a horrid cranoh go clean through the 
crisp gut ! 

Still he does not blaspheme ; but blessing his body, this time, as 
well as his soul, carefully fits a new bottom on the line, and closes the 
cleft shot with the proper instrument, a pair of pliers. Then he baits 
again, and tries the float, which swims with the correct cock — and all 
is right at last ! The dreams, the schemes, the hopes, the wishes of a 
dozen long years are realised ; and if there be a little pain at one end 
of the line, what enormous pleasure at the other ! 

Merrily the float trips, again and again, from end to end of the 
swim, and is once more gliding down with the current, when suddenly 
the quill stops — slowly revolves — bobs — ^bobs again — and dives under 
the water. 

The Angler strikes convulsively — extravagantly — insanely ; and 
something swift and silvery as a shooting star, flies over his head. It 
should, by rights, be a fish — yet there is none on his hook ; but 
searching farther and farther, all up the lawn, to the back door, there 
certainly lies something bright and quivering on the stone step — some- 
thing living, scaly, and about an inch long — in short, Mr. Chubb's first 
bleak 

CHAPTER III. 

Happy Mr. Chubb ! Happy on Thursday, happier on Friday, and 
happiest on Saturday ! 

For three delightful days he had angled, each time with better 
success and increasing love for the art, when Sunday intervened — the 
longest dry Sunday he had ever spent in his life. This short fast, 
however, only served to whet his appetite for the sport, and to send 
him the earlier on Monday to the river's edge, not without some dim 
superstitious notion of catching the fine hog-backed perch he had hooked 
in a dream over night. 

By this time practice had made him perfect in his manipulations. 
His rod was put together in a crack — the line attached to it in a jiffy, 
the hook baited in a twinkling, and all ready to begin. But first he 
took his customary survey, to assure hi m that his solitude was inviolate, 
that there was no eye to startle his mauvaise honte, for he was 



MR. CHUBB. 



303 



as sensitive to observation as some sliins to new flannel : but all was 
safe. There was not a horse or cow even to stare at him from the 
opposite meadow — no human creature within ken, to censure his per- 
formance or criticise his appearance. He might have fished, if he had 
pleased, in his night-cap, dressing-gown, and slippers. 

The ineffable value of such a privacy is only appreciable by shy, 
sensitive men, who ride hobbies. But Toby Shandy knew it when he 
gave a peep over the horn-beam hedge before he took a first whiff of the 
ivory pipe attached to his smoking artillery. And so did Mr. Chubb, 
as after a preliminary pinch of snuff, and an ecstatic rub of his hands, 
lie gently swung the varnished float, shotted line, and baited hook, from 
his own freehold lawn into the exclusive water. 

The weather was lovely, the sky of an unclouded blue, and the whole 
landscape flooded with sunshine, which would have been too bright but 
that a westerly breeze swept the gloss off the river, and allowed the 







CLARA FISHER AND LITTLE POOLE, 



Angler to watch, undazzled, his neat tip-capped float. Thrice the 
buoyant quill had travelled from end to end of the property, and was 
midway on its fourth voyage, when — without the least hint of bite or 
nibble — it was violently twitched up, and left to dangle in the air, whilst 
Mr. Chubb distractedly stared on a new object in the stream. 

A strange float had come into his swim ! 

And such a float ! — A great green and white pear-shaped thing — of 
an extra size, expressly manufactured for the most turbulent waters ; 
but magnified by the enormity of the trespass into a ship's buoy ! 

Yes — there it was in his own private fishing-place, down which it 



304 



MB. CHUBB. 



drifted five or six good yards before it brought up, on its side, whea the 
force of the current driving the lower part of the line towards the 
surface, disclosed a perfect necklace of large swanshot, and the shank of 
a No. 1 hook, baited, as it seemed, with a small hard dumpling ! | 

Mr. Chubb was petrified — Gorgonised — basilisked ! His heart and his 
legs gave way together, and he sank into the elbow-chair; his jaw 
locked, his eyes protruding in a fixed stare, and, altogether in 
physiognomy extremely like the fish called a Pope or Ruff, which, on 
being hooked, is said to go into a sort of spasmodic fit, through surprise 
and alarm. 

However, disappointment and vexation gradually gave way to indig- 
nation, and planting the chair against the evergreen hedge, he mounted 

on the seat, with a brace of 
objurgations on his lips — the 
one adapted to a great hulking 
fellow, the other for an infernal , 
little boy; but before either 
found vent, down he scrambled 
again, with breakneck precipi- 
tation, and dropped into the 
seat. To swear was impossible 
— to threaten or vituperate 
quite out of the question, or 
even to remonstrate. He who 
had not the courage to be polite 
to a lady, to be rude or harsh 
to one ? — never ! What then 
could he do ? Nothing, but sit 
staring at the great green and 
white float, as it lay on its 
side, making a fussy ripple in the water, till she chose to withdraw it. 

At last, after a very tedious interval, the obnoxious object suddenly 
began to scud up the stream, and then rising, with almost as much 
splutter as a wild duck, flew into the neighbouring garden. The swan 
Bhot and the hook flew after it, Cut the little dumpling parting asunder, 
had escaped from the steel, and the halves separately drifted down with 
the current, each nibbled at by its own circle of New River bleak. 

Mr. Chubb waited a minute, and then fell to angling again ; but as 
silently, stealthily, and sneakingly, as if, instead of fishing in his own 
waters, he had been poaching in those of Cashiobury — 

"Because Lord Essex wouldn't give him leave." 

But even this faint enjoyment was shortlived. All at once he heard, 
to the left, a plash as if a bull-frog or water-rat had plumped into the 
river, and down came the great green and white nuisance, again dancing 
past the private hedge, and waltzing with every little eddy that came in 
its way. Of course it would stop at the old spot — but no, its tether had 
been indefinitely prolonged, and on it came, bobbing and becking, till 




A LONG STOP. 



MR. ClIUBB. 



805 



•within a foot of the little slim tipcapped quill of our Fisherman. He 
instantly pulled up, but too late — the bottoms of the two lines had 
already grappled. There was a hitch and then a jerk — the swanshot 
with a centrifugal impulse went spinning round and round the other 
tackle, till silk and gut were complicated in an inveterate tangle. The 
Unknown, feeling the resistance, immediately struck, and began to 
haul in. The perplexed Bachelor, incapable of a " Hallo ! " only blessed 
his own soul in a whisper, and opposed a faint resistance. The strain 
increased ; and he held more firmly, desperately hoping that his own 
line would give way : but, instead of any such breakage, as if instinct 
with the very spirit of mischief, the top joint of his rod suddenly sprang 
out of its socket, and went flying as the other lithe top seemed to beckon 
it — into HEH garden ! 

It was gone, of course, for ever. As to applying for it, little Smith 
would as soon have asked for the ball that he had pitched through a 
pane^of plate glass into Mrs. Jones's drawing-room. 

All fishing was over for the day ; and the discomfited Angler was 
about to unscrew his 
rod and pack up, when 
a loud " hem ! " made 
him start and look to- 
wards the sound — and 
lo ! the unknown Lady, 
having mounted a chair 
of her own, was looking 
over the evergreen 
hedge and holding out 
the truant top joint to 
its owner. The little 
shy bashful Bachelor, 
still in a nervous agony, 
would fain have been 
blind to this civility ; 
but the cough became 
too importunate to be 
shirked, and blushing 
till his very hair and 
whiskers seemed to red- 
den into carotty, he 
contrived to stumble up 
to the fence and stam- 




HOOKING aiM. 



mer out a jumble of thanks and apologies. 

"Eeally, ma'am — I'm extremely sorry — you're too good — so very 
awkward — quite distressing — I'm exceedingly obliged I'm sure — very 
warm indeed," — and seizing the top-joint he attempted to retreat with 
it, but he was not to escape so easily. 

" Stop, sir ; " cried one of the sweetest voices in the world, " the lines 
are entangled." 

SECOND SEMES. X 



306 ME, CHUBB. 

" Pray don't mention it," said the agitated Mr. Chubb, vainly fumbling 
in the wrong waistcoat pocket for his penknife. " I'll cut it, ma'am — 
I'll bite it off." 

"Oh, pray don't!" exclaimed the lady; "it would be a sin and a 
shame to spoil such a beautiful line. Pray what do you call it? " 

What an unlucky question. For the whole world Mr. Chubb would 
not have named the material — which he at last contrived to describe as 
" a very fine sort of fiddle-string." 

" Oh, I understand," said the Lady. " How fine it is — and yet how 
strong. What a pity it is in such a tangle ! But I think with a little 
time and patience I can unravel it ! " 

" Keally, ma'am, I'm quite ashamed — so much trouble — allow me, 
ma'am." And the little Bachelor climbed up into his elbow-chair, 
where he stood tottering with agitation, and as red in the face, and as 
hot all over, as a boiling lobster. 

" I think, sir," suggested the lady, " if you would just have the goodness 
to hold these loops open while I pass the other line through them — " 

" Yes, ma'am, yes — exactly — by all means — " and he endeavoured to 
follow her instructions, by plunging the short thick fingers of each hand 
into the hank ; the Lady meanwhile poking her float, like a shuttle, up 
and down, to and fro, through the intricacies of the tangled lines. 

" Bless my soul ! " thought Mr. Chubb, " what a singular situation. 
A lady I never saw before — a perfect stranger ! — and here I am face to 
face with her — across a hedge — with our fingers twisting in and out of 
the same line, as if we were playing at cat's cradle ! " 



CHAPTER IV. 

" Heyday ! It is a long job ! " exclaimed the Lady, with a gentle 
sigh. 

" It is indeed, ma'am,'' said Mr. Chubb, with a puff of breath as if he 
had been holding it the whole time of the operation. 

" My fingers quite ache," said the Lady. 

" I'm sure — I'm very sorry— I beg them a thousand pardons," said 
Mr. Chubb, with a bow to the hand before him. And what a hand it 
was ! So white and so plump, with little dimples on the knuckles, — ■ 
and then such long taper fingers, and filbert-like nails ! 

"Are you fond of fishing, sir?" asked the Lady, with a full look in 
his face for the answer. 

" 0, very, ma'am — very partial indeed ! " 

" So am I, sir. It's a taste derived, I believe, from my own reading." 

" Then, mayhap, ma'am," said Mr. Chubb, his voice quavering at his 
own boldness, "if it isn't too great a liberty — you have read the 
" Complete Angler?'" 

"What, Izaak Walton's? 0, I dote on it I The nice, dear old 
man ! So pious and so sentimental ! " 

" Certainly, ma'am — as you observe — and so uncommonly skilful " 



MR. OHUBB, 



307 



" ! and so natural ! and so rural ! Such sweet green meadows, 
vfith honeysuckle hedges ; and the birds, and the innocent lambs, and 
the cows, and that pretty song of the milkmaid's ! " 

"Yes, ma'am, yes," said Mr. Chubb, rather hastily, as if afraid she would 
quote it; and blushing up to his crown, as though she had actually 
invited him to "live with her and be her love." 

"There was an answer written to it, I believe, by Sir Walter 
Ealeigh?" 

" There was, ma'am — or Sir Walter Scott — I really forget which," 
stammered the bewil- 
dered Bachelor, with 
whom the present tense 
had completely oblitera- 
ted the past. As to the 
future, nothing it might 
produce would surprise 
him. 

" Now, then, sir, we 
will try again ! " And 
the Lady resumed her 
task, in which Mr. Chubb 
assisted her so effectu- 
ally, that at length one 
line obtained its libertj'j 
and by a spring so sud- 
den, as to excite a faint 
scream. 

" Gracious powers I " 
exclaimed the horrified 
little man, almost falling 
from his chair, and clasp- 
ing his hands. hey-day ! 

" I thought the hook 
was in my eye,'' said the Lady ; " but it is only in my hair.'' From 
which she forthwith endeavoured to disentangle it, but with so little 
success, that in common politeness Mr. Chubb felt bound to tender 
his assistance. It was gratefully accepted ; and in a moment the most 
bashful of bachelors found himself in a more singular position than ever 
— namely, with his short thick fingers entwined with a braid of the 
glossiest, finest, softest auburn hair that ever grew on a female head. 

"Bless my soul and body! " said Mr. Chubb to himself; " the job 
with the gut and silk lines was nothing to this ! " 




CHAPTER V. 

That wearisome hook ! It clung to the tress in which it had 
fastened itself with lover-like pertinacity ! In the mean time the Lady, 
to favour the operation, necessarily inclined her head a little downwards 



308 



MR. CHUBB. 




FANOY POHTBAIT. — THEODOBE HOOK. 



and sideways, so that when she looked at Mr. Chubh, she was obliged 
to glance at him from the corners of her eyes — as coquettish a position 
as female artifice, instead of accident, could have produced. Nothing, 
indeed, could be more bewitching ! Nothing so disconcerting ! It was 

a -wonder the short thick fingers 

ever brought their task to an end, 

they fumbled so abominably' — the 
poor man forgot what he was about 
so frequently ! At last the soft 
glossy braid, sadly disarranged, 
dropped again on the fair smooth 
cheek. 

" Is the hook out ? " asked the 
Lady. 

" It is, ma'am — thank God ! " 
replied the little Bachelor, with 
extraordinary emphasis and fer- 
vour ; but the next moment mak- 
ing a grimace widely at variance 
with the implied pleasure. 

" Why it's in your own thumb ! " 
screamed the Lady, forgetting in 
her fright that it was a strange 
gentleman's hand she caught bold of so unceremoniously. 

" It's nothing, ma'am — don't be alarmed ; — nothing at all — only — 
bless my soul, — how very ridiculous ! " 
" But it must hurt you, sir." 

" Not at all, ma'am — quite the reverse. I don't feel it — I don't, 
indeed ! — Merely through the skin, ma'am, — and if I could only get at 

my penknife " 

"Where is it, sir?" 

"Stop, ma'am — here — I've got it," said Mr. Chubb, his heart beating 
violently at the mere idea of the long taper fingers in his left waistcoat- 
pocket — " But unluckily it's my right hand ! " 

" How very distressing ! " exclaimed the Lady ; " and all through 
extricating me ! " 

" Don't mention it, ma'am, pray don't — you're perfectly welcome." 
" If I thought,'' said the lady, " that it was only through the skin — 
I had once to cut one out for poor dear Mr. Hooker,'' and she averted 
her head as if to hide a tear. 

" She's a widow, then ! " thought Mr. Chubb to himself. " But what 
does that signify to me — and as to her cutting out the hook, it's a mere 
act of common charity." 

And so, no doubt, it was; for no sooner was the operation performed, 
than dropping his hand as if it had been a stone, or a brick, or a lump 
of clay, she restored the penknife, and cutting short his acknowledg- 
ments with a grave " Good morning, sir," skipped down from her chair, 
and walked off, rod in hand, to her house. 



ME. CHUBB. 



309 



Mr. Chubb watched her till she disappeared, and then getting down 
from his own chair, toolv a seat in it, and fell into a reverie, from which 
he was only roused by putting his thumb and finger into the wrong box, 
and feeling a pinch of gentles, instead of snuff. 



CHAPTER VI. 

TnE next day Mr. Chubb angled as usual ; but with abated pleasure. 
His fishery had been disturbed; his solitude invaded — he was no longer 
Walton and Zimmerman rolled into one. From certain prophetic 
misgivings he had even abandoned the costume of the craft, — and 
appeared in a dress more suited to a public dinner than his private 
recreation — a blue coat and black kerseymere trousers — instead of the 
fustian jacket, shorts, and leathern gaiters. 

The weather was still propitious, but he could neither confine his 
eye to his quill nor his thoughts to the pastime. Every moment he 
expected to hear the splash of the great green and white float, — and to 
see it come sailing into his swim. But he watched and listened in 
vain. Nothing drifted down with the current but small sticks and 
straws or a stray weed, — nothing disturbed the calm surface of the 
river, except the bleak, occasionally rising at a fly. A fartive glance 
assured him that nobody was looking at him over the evergreen fence 
— for that day, at least, he had the fishery all to himself, and he was 
beginning heart and soul to enjoy the sport, — when, from up the 
stream, he heard a startling plunge, enough to frighten all the fish up 
to London or down to Ware ! The flop of the great green and white 
float was a whisper to it — bu'c 



before he could frame a guess 
at the cause, a ball of some- 
thing, as big as his own head, 
plumped into his swim, with a 
splash that sent up the water 
into his very face ! The next 
moment a sweet low voice called 
to him by his name. 

It was the Widow ! He 
knew it without turning his 
head. By a sort of mental 
clairvoyance he saw her dis- 
tinctly looking at him, with 
her soft liquid hazel eyes, over 
the privet hedge. He imme- 
diately fixed his gaze more 
resolutely on his float, and de- 
termined to be stone deaf But 
the manceuvre was of no avail. 
Another ball flew bomb-like through the air, and narrowly missing his 
rod, dashed — saluting him with a fresh sprinkle— into the river 1 




STICKS AND STRIB-ES. 



310 MR. CHUBB. 

" Bless my soul," thought Mr. Chubb, carefully laying his rod across 
the arms of his elbow-chair, " when shall I get any fishing ! " 

" A fine morning, Mr. Chubb." 

" Very, ma'am— very, indeed — quite remarkable,'' stammered Mr. 
Chubb, bowing as he spoke, plucking oiT his hat, and taldng two or 
three unsteady steps towards the fence. 

" My gardener has made me some ground bait, Mr. Chubb, and I 
told him to throw the surplus towards your part of the river." 

" You're very good, ma'am — I'm vastly obliged I'm sure," said tho 
little Bachelor, quite overwhelmed by the kindness, and wiping his face 
with his silk handkerchief, as if it had just received the favour of 
another sprinkle. " Charming weather, ma'am ! " 

" Oh, delightful ! — It's quite a pleasure to be out of doors. By the 
bye, Mr. Chubb, I'm thinking of strolling — do you ever stroll, sir?" 

" Ever what ? " asked the astounded Mr. Chubb, his blood suddenly 
boiling up to JFever Heat. 

" For jack and pike, sir — I've just been reading about it in the 
' Complete Angler.' " 

" 0, she means trolling," thought Mr. Chubb, his blood as rapidly 
cooling down to temperate. " Why, no, ma'am — no. The truth is, — 
asking your pardon — there are no jack or pike, I believe, in this water.'' 

" Indeed ! That's a pity. And yet, after all, I don't think I could 
put the poor frog on the hook — and then sew up his mouth, — I'm sure 
I couldn't ! " 

" Of course not, ma'am — of course not," said the little Bachelor, 
with unusual warmth of manner, — " You have too much sensibility." 

" Do you think, then, sir, that angling is cruel ? " 

" Why really, ma'am " — but the poor man had entangled himself in 
a dilemma — and could get no farther. 

" Some persons say it is," continued the Lady, — " and really to 
think of the agonies of the poor worm on the hook — but for my part I 
always fish with paste." 

"Yes— I know it," thought Mr Chubb, — "with a little hard 
dumpling." 

" And then it is so much cleaner," said the lady. 

" Certainly, ma'am, certainly," replied Mr. Chubb, with a particular 
reference to a certain very white hand with long taper fino-ers. 
" Nothing like paste, ma'am — or a fly ; if it was not a liberty, ma'am, 
I should think you would prefer an artificial fly." 

" An artificial one ! — 0, of all things in the world 1 " exclaimed the 

Lady with great animation. " That cannot feel ! — But then " and 

she shook her beautiful head despondingly — " they are so hard to make. 
I have read the rules for artificial flies in the book, — and what with 
badger's linir, and cook's cackles (she meant hackles), and whipping 
5'our shanks (she meant the hook's), and then drubbing your fur (she 
meant dubbing with fur), 0, I never could do it ! " 

Mr. Chubb was silent. He had artificial flies in his pocket-book, 
and yearned to ofler one— but, deterred by certain recollections, he 



MB. CHtlBB. 



311 



shrauk from the task of afiBxing it to her line. And yet to oblige a 
lady — and such a fine woman too — and besides the light fall of a fly 
on the water would be so much better than the flopping of that abomi- 
nable great green and white float ! — Yes, he would make the offer of 
it, and he did. It was graciously accepted, — the rod was handed over 
the hedge, and the little Bachelor, — at a safe distance, — took off, with 
secret satisfaction, the silk line, its great green and white float, its 
swanshot, the No. 1 hook and its little hard dumpling. He then 
substituted a fine fly-line, 
with a small black ant-fly, 
and when all was ready, 
presented the apparatus to 
the lovely Widow, who 
was profuse in her acknow- 
ledgments. " There never 
was such a beautiful fly," 
she said, " but the diffi- 
culty was how to throw it. 
She was only a Tryo (she 
meant a Tyro), and as such 
must throw herself on his 
neighbourly kindness, for 
a little instruction." 

This information, as 
well as he could by precept 
and example, with a hedge 
between , the little Bachelor 
contrived to give; and then 
dismissed his fair pupil to 
whip for bleak ; whilst 
with an internal " Thank 
Heaven ! " he resumed his 
own apparatus, and began to angle for perch, roach, dace, gudgeons, — 
or anything else. 

But his gratitude was premature — his float had barely completed 
two turns, when he heard himself hailed again from the privet hedge. 

" Mr. Chubb ! JMr. Chubb ! " 

" At your service, ma'am." 

" Mr. Chubb, you will think me shockingly awkward, but I've 
switched off the fly, — your beautiful fly, — somewhere among tlie 
evergreens." 

Slowly the Angler pulled up his line — at the sacrifice of what seemed 
a very promising nibble — and carefully deposited his rod again across 
the arms of the elbow chair. 

" Bless my soul and body ! " muttered Mr. Chubb, as he selected 
another fly from his pocket-book,—" when shall I ever get any fishing! " 




' THERE'S ONE AT ME ! NOW FOR A BITE ! " 



319 



MB. CHUBB. 



CHAPTER VIT. 

Poor Mr. Chubb ! 

How little he dreamt — in all his twelve years dreaming, of ever 
retiring from trade into such a pretty business as that in which he 
found himself involved ! How little he thought, whilst studying the 
instructive dialogues of Venator and Viator with Piscator, that he should 
ever have a pupil in petticoats hanging on his own lips for lessons in 
the gentle art ! Nor was it seldom that she required his counsel or 
assistance. Scarcely had his own line settled in the water, when he 
was summoned by an irresistible voice to the evergreen fence, and 
requested to perform some trivial office for a fair Neophyte, with the 
prettiest white hand, the softest hazel eyes, and the silkiest auburn 
hair he had ever seen. Sometimes it was to put a bait on her hook — 
sometimes to take off a fish — now to rectify her float — and now to 
screw or unscrew her rod. Not a day passed but the little Bachelor 
found himself tete a tete with the lovely Widow, across the privet hedge. 

Little he thought, the while, that she was fishing for him, and that 
he was pouching the bait ! But so it was : — for exactly six weeks from 
the day when Mr. Chubb caught his first Bleak — Mrs. Hooker beheld 
at her feet her first Chubb ! 

What she did with him needs not to be told. Of course she did not 
give him away, likeVenator's chub, to some poor body; or baste him, 
as Piscator recommends, with vinegar or verjuice. The probability is 
that she blushed, smiled, and gave him her hand ; for if you walk. 
Gentle Reader, to Enfield, and inquire concerning a certain row of 
snug little villas, with pleasure-grounds bounded by the New River, 
you will learn that two of the houses, and two of the gardens, and two 
of the proprietors have been " thrown into one." 

" And did they fish together, sir, after their marriage ? " 

Never ! Mr. Chubb, indeed, often angled from morning till night, 
but Mrs. C. never wetted a line from one year's end to another. 




A LEGAL TENDER. 



313 



A VERY SO-SO CHARACTER. 



" I TAKE it for granted," said Mrs. Wiggins, inquiring as to the 
character of a certain humble companion, " that she is temperate, con- 
versible, and willing to make herself agreeable ? " 

" Quite," replied Mrs. Figgins, " Indeed, I never knew a young 
person so sober, so sociable, and so solicitous to please." 




trt: house of common?. 



PARTY SPIRIT. 



" Why did you not dine," said a Lord to a Wit, 
"With the Whigs, you political sinner?" 

" Why really I meant, but had doubts how the Pit 
Of my stomach would bear a Fox Dinner." 



EPIGRAM. 

THE SUPEBIOBITT OP MACHISERT 



A Mechanic his labour will often discard 
If the rate of his pay he dislikes ; 

But a clock— and its case is uncommonly hard- 
Will continue to work though it strikes. 



3U 




'SINCE THEN i'm DOOM'D,' 



NOTES ON SHAKESPEARE. 



It is singular that none of the commentators on " The Merry Wives 
of Windsor," have hitherto attributed to Sir John Falstaff a tampering 
with the Black Art of Magic. There are at least as plausible grounds 
for such a supposition, as for some of the most elaborate of their con- 
jectures, for not only does the Fat Knight undertake to personate that 
Witch the Wise Woman of Brentford, but he expressly hints to us that 
he himself was a Wizard, and popularly known as "Jack with his 
Familiars." 

A proof of the antiquity of the practice of letting lodgings, or offices 
for merchants and lawyers, has been equally overlooked by the 
Annotators. It occurs, indeed, more than once, and in words that 
might serve for a bill in a modern window — namely, " Chambers let off." 

KOTE ON "kino JOHN." 

Frince Arthur. — Must yon with hot irons hum out both my eyes ? 
Eifhert. — Youug hoy, I must. 

In the barbarous cruelty proposed to be practised on Prince Arthur 
there appears to be some coincidence with a theory brought forward of 
late years, in reference to the Hanoverian Heir Apparent; namely, 
that by the ancient laws of Germany the sovereignty could not be 
exercised by a person deprived of the sense of sight. Althou"h 
"death" was indicated by the royal uncle in his conference with 
Hubert, it would seem as if John, shrinking from the guilt of actual 
murder, had subsequently contented himself with ordering that the 
young " serpent on his path " should be rendered incapable of reigning 
by the loss of his eyes. It was a particular act, intended for an 



SUGGESTIONS BY STEAM. 



315 



especial purpose, expressly commanded by warrant, and Hubert was 
"sworn to do it." 

Supposing, therefore, that the intention was simply to blind the 
victim, to disable him from the throne, not to inflict unnecessary 
torture, or endanger life, it is humbly suggested to future painters and 
stage-managers, that the inhuman deed would not have been performed 
with great clumsy instruments like plumbers' irons, but more probably 
with heated metal skewers or bodkins, as the eyes of singing birds have 
been destroyed by fanciers — though for a different reason — ^with red-hot 
knitting needles. 



SUGGESTIONS BY STEAM. 



When Woman is in rags, and poor, 

And sorrow, cold, and hunger teaze her, 

If Man would only listen more 

To that small voice that crieth — "Ease her! " 

Without the guidance of a friend, 

Though legal sharks and screws attack her. 

If Man would only more attend 

To that small voice that crieth — " Back her ! " 

So oft it would not be his fate 

To witness some despairing dropper 

lu Thames's tide, and run too late 

To that small voice that crieth — " Stop lior I " 




' FOnOlVB ME THIS OSCE 1 " 



316 




THE MUSIC OF THE SPHERES. 



NEWS FROM CHINA. 



Of the genuineness of the followhig letters there can be no doubt : 
the parties are all known to us, and if necessary, we could swear to the 
handwriting. But the internal evidence will satisfy any competent 
judge who knows any thing, by books or travel, of the Celestial Empire. 
No corrections have been attempted, whether in style or in the ortho- 
graphy (for example, Morfius for Morpheus, and Romus for Remus, 
in No. II.); and the only suppressions are of real names, and a few 
domestic particulars too private for the public. — Ed. 



No. I. — To Mr. Abel Dottin, Q-rocer, Manchester, 

Dear Beotheb, 

In spite of differingsand I must say harshness on some points, 
you will be delighted to hear I have at last got a letter from dear Gus. 
How it came I do not quite know, but a most gratifying one to maternal 
feelings, and I should hope to others,\however some people's prognosti 
fications are proved to be in the wrong. But I am not going to triumph 
over any one, the' if I did, motherly joy might be my excuse, for her 
pride will rise up when a beloved son turns out such as to justify my 



KEWS FROM CHINA. 



817 



fondest hopes, and do honour to her system of bringing up. That 
repays for all. Nobody knows the sacrifices I have gone through for his 
sake, indeed, such as nothing would reconcile to, except the reflection, 
it was all for his dear welfare, whatever others might think to the 
contrary. I have pinched myself in many ways both inside and out, 
and even more than prudence or health dictated, or even keeping up 
appearances; but a mother, like a pelican of the wilderness, will go 
shabby genteel or anything for a beloved child. For of course his out- 
fitting came very heavy, and I had to part with the Japan buffet and all 
my beautiful old chiney to make him fit for the Celestial Empire. Not 
to name all his little desideratums, which at such a time I could not 
grudge or refuse anything he set his heart on to an only departing son 
for a foreign land. .As is more than some people perhaps will simpa- 
thise with, but uncles an't mothers. Indeed, his goold watch and other 
nicknacks ran rather over than under your kind thirty pound. Then 
what with bullock trunks and regimentals and other items, besides 
chains and trinkets to barter with the natives, came to a pretty penny, 
so as obliged me to sell out of my long annuities, and has sadly 
scrimped a narrow income. However I am now repaid for all my 
efforts and privations, and only my due and proper reward for my own 
sagacity and foresight in putting my dear Gus in a line of life 
adapted to his uncommon cleverness. Some people I know thought 
otherwise, but in common justice ought to acknowledge I always pre- 
dicted my son would be a shining character. Those were my very 
words, and they have literally come as true as if I had been a fortune- 
telling gipsy. So much for cultivating genius, and which you'll excuse 
my saying, the mother it springs from must naturally know more about 
than even the best of uncles. Indeed, you know yourself, to be candid, 
I always said he was a genius out of the 
common way, and was the first to put it into 
his head. And now I have reason to be 
thankful that I never thwarted him, as some 
people wished, but always let him have his 
own way in every thing, and the consequence 
is, instead of his being a plodding tradesman, 
or a low mechanick, my Augustus has distin- 
guished himself as a shining character, and 
for what we know may be at this very mo- 
ment a Colonel, a General, or a Plenipeni- 
tentiary. Every bodies nevies do not get up 
to that ! As for himself, poor fellow, what- 
ever other people may have said or done 
agin him, it is plain he harbours no malice 
or anymosity or he wouldn't joke so good- 
humoured about your pigtail. But he always 
was of a forgiving disposition, bless him, and " cestee-bit. 

a generous nature besides, and no doubt when he comes back will 
bring heaps of foreign presents for all his friends and relatives. For 




318 NEWS FROM CHINA. 

my own part I seem to see the house turned into a perfect British 
Museum, what with great porcelain jars, and little tiny shoes, and bows 
and arrows, and the frightfullest staring idols. And the Chinese make 
the most beautiful carved ivory fans. So I need not grudge the Japan 
buffet and the old chiney, — and instead of going shabby genteel, who 
knows but I may some day go to routs and parties, in a rich filial silk, 
and be fetched home with a splendid illuminated lantern? But those 
are pictures some people won't or can't enter into, so I say no more. 
But it stands to reason one's sister must surely reflect more credit on 
him properly consulting appearances according to her rank in life, and 
handsomely dressed and set off as if she had just walked out of the 
Book of Beauty, than if she had just come out of Mrs. Bundle's 
Domestic Cookery — which is too often the case. 

I enclose dear Gussy's letter, of which I hope you vrill take religious 
care of, and not file it into holes like a common trumpery business 
letter, as some in trade are too apt. Some sentences read oddish, but 
you must not be set agin it by his style, which to be sure ought not to 
be exactly like other people's who have no shining parts. At any rate, 
it shows uncommon cleverness and a good heart. I don't mind owning 
I enjoyed a good cry over those infantile Chinese fondlings, and then that 
savage monkey ! But some people are of more unteuder natures, not hav- 
ing had any family of their own. How would you like your Gus, if you had 
one, to be shot and peppered at by a set of long pigtailed savages, 
contrary to all laws human and divine, as if he was no better than a 
preserved pheasant or a poached hare ? I do hope the wretches will be 
well civilised for it with a broadside ! But what can one expect from 
such wicked heathens ? I only hope he won't be tempted ashore among 
them, but he's very venturesome, for if they once catch my dear Gus, 
near any of their nasty Joss houses, they will idolize him as sure as 
fate! 

A full sheet compels to conclude with my love — with which your 
nevy if he was here would unite — but alas there's oceans between. 
Lord preserve him from that and all other perils by sea and land, not 
forgetting the barbarous inhabitants of China and Tartarus! With 
which I remain, dear Brother, 

Your affectionate sister, 

Wisbech, 13 October. Jemima Budge. 

No. II. 
Dear Motheb, 

Since my last from the Cape,* I suppose you have been in a 
regular slow fever of maternal solicitude to hear of my arrival among the 
Mandarines— inquiring at every Tea Warehouse and Crockery shop 
whether they have heard any thing from Canton, and expecting twelve 
general posts a day, and twenty particular ones with a letter from " my 
son in China." 

* This letter never reached its destiuatlon. 



NEWS FROM CHINA, 



319 



Well, here it is at last, warranted oriental, and if it don't go thro' the 
parish like the Asiatic Cholera I know nothing ahout letters from song 
in foreign parts. Of course Mrs. Dewdny will have the first reading of 
it and Mrs. Spooner the last, as she always has of her own novelties in 
her Circulating Library. I think I see her with her hands flapping 
up and down, and hear her clucking with her tongue and saying, 

"Well — dear me — I never! To think of Mister Gustavus beino 

where all the tea comes from By the by, Mrs. B., you don't want 

any real Howqua ? — and the ladies can't walk for their little shoes — 
Captain Pidding's you know — well, I'll order Lord Jocelyn- — in catty 
packages, you see, ma'am — for the Library — and so Mister Gustavus 
really is at Kang Tong — did you ever read Letters from the Dead to 
the Living? — well I never! — dear me !" 

However, here I am — knocking about in the Chinese waters, not 
black or green though, as Mrs. Spooner would suppose, but decidedly 
yellow. Just fancy 
an ocean of pea-soup, 
such as you used to 
make at home and 
then talk of throwing 
it over the house, — 
quite as thick and of 
the same colour, with 
lots of weeds floating 
about in it like the 
mint, but whole in- 
stead of crumbled- — 
in short, so like the 
real thing that I was 
spoon enough to taste 
it; and really it might 
pass for work-house 
pea-soup, only salted with rather a heavy hand. 

Well, after soup, fish — and what do you think of square miles of it, 
as we neared the land, — whole shoals, big and little, from sprats up to 
porpuses, with strange sorts never seen before, all floating on the 
surface belly upwards^ just like old Parkington's carp when somebody 
had hocussed them with Cockulus Indious. 

However, this time it was that old bufi'er Commissioner Lin who had 
poisoned all the finny and scaly tribes by throwing such lots of opium 
into the River at Canton. Even the gulls were affected by it, from 
feeding on the small fry, and sat rocking on the waves dead asleep. So 
the drug really must be as diliterious as the Quakers said it is — even if 
we had not come across a more striking proof of it, namely a man-of-war's 
launch with a middy and twelve hands in her, all as fast as tops, and as 
hard to be waked up as Dr. Watts's sluggard. Luckily there was 
oceans of cold pig at hand, and didn't we give it them, as Dibdin says, 
with the gravy, which at last brought them to their senses, when it 




SHOVINO OFF. 



320 



NEWS FBOM CHINA. 



appeared that hearing so much talk about opium, and finding a package 
of it adrift, they had chawed a little out of curiosity, which being an 
overdose had sent them all into the land of Nod. On comparing notes 
they had been drifted about three whole days and nights in the arms of 
Morfius. We got some capital yarns out of them, telling their dreams, 
turn and turn about, and the middy's was, that he had been down in 
Bedfordshire a week of wet Sundays, and dozing all the time as fast as 
a church in the family pew. 

Poor fellows ! it was lucky we picked them up, before falling into the 
power of the pigtails instead of the ninetails — for they bad two dozen a 
piece on rejoining their ship, but one of them, an old deep file, took 
another dose of the opium beforehand, and so was flogged in his sleep, 
they say, without feeling it, which if true, beats somambulism by long 
chalks. 

Well, the next morning the watch reported that the ship was 
surrounded with floating spars and timber, some being black and charred, 
from which we concluded either that some ship had been accidentally 
burnt and blown up, or else that hostilities had begun with the Chinese, 
and which proved to be the fact. One of our gun-brigs had had a 
brush the day before with a fleet of mandarin boats, and of course beat 
them into fits in no time ; but with consequences rather inconvenient to 
the winners. You know we have in the river Thames a floating Chapel 

and a floating Infirmary, 
but what do you think of 
a floating Foundling Hos- 
pital ? 

However it's fact : and 
here's the way of it, up 
and down. The Chinese 
towns are very populous, 
so much that there isn't 
room for half the in- 
habitants on dry land, 
and accordingly hun- 
dreds and thousands of 
families live, where you 
wouldn't, namely, on the 
water, in regular swim- 
ming houses, with no 
ground-floors. This ar- 
rangement of course pre- 
vents the rising genera- 
tion from playing as ours 
does about the streets, so 
rot.T S0LD1E.IS. they play about the deck 

instead, which being wet 
and shppcry it often happens that some of them, especially what you 
call the liUle toddles, plump overboard, and would be drowned but for 




NEWS FROM cmXA. 



821 



a great empty calibasli that their mothers tie to their backs, and which 
acting like a cork jacket keeps the dear little ducklings afloat, till their 
industrioiis parents are at leisure to haul them out with a long boat-hook. 
An operation they never hurry themselves about, knowing the darlings 
are perfectly safe ; as well as doing their own washing, while the young 
uns from the same sense of security are far from particular about their 
footing, but drop in and float about as if they were paid for doing it, 
like the aquatic actors at Sadler's Wells. 

Well, you see when the mandarin boats bore down on the gun-brig 
she began to fire away like blazes, right and left, and one or two of the 
random balls falling among the floating houses, the proprietors con 
sidered it as a notice to quit, and away they went belter skelter — sovi 
quipeu, which is the French for 'devil take the hindmost,' some up the 
river and some into the 
canals, — whole Water Lanes 
and River Terraces moving 
off in double quick, with such 
screaming and howling, they 
say, as never was heard. In 
such a skuriy the juveniles 
got knocked overboard like 
fun, some of the unpleasant 
or snubbed children in large 
families perhaps getting a 
kick on purpose, however 
in they went, plump after 
plump, like frogs frightened 
into a pond, — the brig all the 
while kicking up a regular 
smother, and chattering away 
like thunder as long as she 
could get an answer, and 
rather longer. At last she 
stopped firing, and the smoke 
clearing off, lo and behold 
there was not a mandarin 

boat in sight — the swimming town had gone into the country, and all 
round the ship the sea was alive with little Chineses brought down by 
the ebb tide, all floating about with their life-preservers, and screaming 
like sea-gulls for their absent fathers and mothers. 

As common humanity required, they were all picked up and taken 
aboard the brig, one hundred and sixty-four in all, from a year upwards, 
and after a little warm grog apiece, which some took naturally and 
others quite the reverse, the captain sent them all off in the gig and the 
cutter, with a white ensign to each boat. Not that the Chinese would 
mind firing on a flag of truce, which they did so unmercifully that t'ue 
officers in charge out of humanity gave orders to pull round, and brougtic 
all the little innocents aboard again, as well as some six or seven nmre 

SECOND SERIES. 




PLIND TO UIS O^VN INTEREfeT. 



322 



NEWS FROM CHINA 



which they had picked up in their passage. Well, when Captain 

saw them all come back on his hands, he looked at them, they say like 
an ogre, for he thought the barbarians had contrived it on purpose, to 
prevent his fighting his ship, and he swore, so soon as the flood made, 
he would heave the brats overboard every cherub, and let them tide 
back again. But when the time come, being a family man himself, his 
heart always misgave, — so the children remained aboard, — and there 

was Her Majesty's gun-brig the turned into a regular Foundling 

Hospital. 

By good luck our commander took me with him on a visit to the brig, 
and sure enough she was literally swarming with little flat-faced Chinese, 
some put to bed three and four in a hammock, and the rest sprawling 
about the decks, each looked after by a strapping he-nursemaid six foot 
high, — the carpenter's nurseling excepted, which being called off to a 
job he had tied by the leg to a ring bolt. And oh, thinks I, if my dear 
motherly mother could but see the boatswain ; — a great red-faced 
monster, almost as hairy as the beast that suckled Romulus and Romus, 
a sitting on a carronade, with a brown foundling on each knee, one 
getting up a squall and the other sick, from being tried with a soft quid of 
tobacco, because it couldn't manage hard biscuit ! And then the noise ! 
— for at least half of the children were screeching like parakeets, I 

don't think for want of 
toys, for one had a mar- 
linspike, and another the 
tarbrush, and another 
an old swab, but by de- 
grees the whole kit of 
innocents on deck had set 
up their pipes as if King 
Herod had got among 
them, — and nobody knew 
why. Some thought it 
was at the black cook, 
and others said the New- 
foundland dog — however 
the secret came out at 
last. 

" Forward there ! " 
sings out the first leften- 
ant, " what is that 
noise?" 

"Why then, if you 

please, sir," says the cox- 

on, "it's all along of the 

ship s monkey. He s got so infarnal jealous of our nussin and fondlin 

the Cliinee babbies, that he's crept round on the sly and give 'em all a 

bite apiece ! " 

What became of the interesting Foundlings afterwards, T don't know 




INTANTH-y AT MF-SS. 



NEWS FROM CHINA. 323 

to a certainty, our ship being ordered off the same day to proceed up 
the river ; but somebody said, that the captain exchanged the whole 
boiling for the Newfoundland dog, which had somehow been inveigled on 
shore by the Chinese. 

As yet our ship had never fired a gun except by way of salute. In 
going up the river, a few shots had been aimed at us which our com- 
mander wouldn't condescend to answer. Our fellows have indeed the 
greatest contempt for the Chinese batteries, which they call their piany 
forts. At last we got liberty to return their compliments, and I 
determined to have a shy at the pigtails, so I had a gun run out forward, 
took aim at a Joss-house, and fired it off with my own hand, — bang! 
whiz ! and away flew the ball howling through the air. Where it went 
or what mischief it did I have no notion ; but after watching a minute 
the captain sings out, 

"Who laid that gun ? " 

"I did, sir," was my reply. 

"Mr. Budge," says he, "you will be a shining character." 

" I hope, sir, I shall." 

None of us have yet been allowed to land, but we hope soon to have a 
spree on shore. Some of the fellows in the gun-brig have been into the 
country and had a famous lark. Such cockshying at the China jars ! 
Such chevying after the natives for their tails ! and finishing off with a 
row in a Joss-house, which they set fire to, after dragging out the Idol, 
a regular old Guy, and running him up, Jack Ketch fashion, to the 
bough of a tree. If that does not convert the pagans I don't know what 
will ! 

Some day I suppose it will be our turn to have a set-to with the war 
junks, or an array battle ashore, in which case unless he gets knocked 
into the Tiger's Mouth, or is chopped in two by a two-handed sword, or 
has a wriggle like an eel, on an ugly sort Of three-pronged spear, there 
is a chance of Mr. Gustavus covering himself with glory, as well as 
coming in for part of the swag. One of the middies of the gun-brig 
told me, that he had for his own share fourteen tails, three pair of chop- 
sticks, a beautiful ivory fan, carved as delicate as Brussels lace, two 
rattan shields, a fighting quail, three odd women's shoes, a state parasol, 
and a superb lantern ! No bad lot, and says you wouldn't the lantern 
look well in our passage at home, I should say Hall, and lighted up with 
gas. 

In the mean time our jacks and jollies are full of the best spirit, and 
only want a chance to slaughter the Chinamen like pigs. And sarve 
'em right, they say, for calling Her Gracious Majesty Queen Victoria a 
Barbarian Eye — besides which, they have auction of their own, that 
the war is intended to force the Chinese to smoke and chew 'backy 
instead of opium, and therefore a very just and legitimate business, and 
even of a friendly character. Be that as it may the natives do not seem 
to relish the sport. It's a very good game as the hoop said to the stick, 
only I get all the licks. 

But it is time to belav. Tell uncle Abel, with my duty to him, he 

y2 



324 



NEWS FEOM CHINA. 



may cut off his queue as soon as he likes, for I'll send him cue six 
times as thick, and twelve times as long, if I kill a mandarin on pur- 
pose. Likewise a Swan-pan, being quite in his line. Cousin Rouzel 
may depend on a Tung-lo to charm his bees with; and Susan shall have 
a pair of ladies' shoes almost too small for this world. As for yourself, 
you would not object I dare say to a Poto-Zcffi— some of the swell man- 
darins by the way are first chop dandies, with splendid satin pelisses 
and silk petticoats that would make up easily into gowns — a Chin-tow 
of course, and maybe you would like a Kang. You have only to say 
which you would prefer, and it shall come by the first ship and no mis- 
take. I should like to see you in a Kew! 

With love and duty to yourself, and remembrances to all friends and 
relatives, 

I am. 

Dear Mother, 

Your affectionate Son, 

Augustus Budge. 

P.S. — Since the above a native-boat has come alongside, and I've 
done a little barter. One of my rings for a fishing cormorant, and the 
amethyst for a regular game cricket. 




TO BK COKTINUED, 



No. III.— ro Mrs. Budge, Wisbech 

Dear Sister, 

This is to acnollige your faver of the 18th currant includin 
one from my Nevy. And am sorry to observe he have put no Date to 
It which is neglectiu what I call one of the three correspondin W's — 
namely When Where and What. ' 

As for you and me difering its what we always did and alwavs shall 
do like the a sides of an Account. Becos why whatever you place to 
Credit on one Side I set down Per Contra. For exampel what you call 
propper spirit I call impudence and what you considder generosity I 
consider extraviganoe. Thats how we don't ballance. Time will show 
whose Itums was the correctest, yours or Some Peoples, a Firm I Know 



NEWS FKOM CHINA. 335 

as well as if their Names & Addresses was in the Directry & not many 
doors off from my own. But its early days to say Im no Profit afore 
knowing more of the returns And for all that apears as yet you may 
have a bad Speck in your Sun. 

As such I am sorry to hear of your Sellin out Stock & narrowin your 
Incum, partickly as it was under 150 afore, & so no savin as to the 
Tax. Also your pinchin Yourself in Your vittles, & in course narrowin 
your Figger in that way too, which is more then I would for any dear 
Gus in the world. But as you say I cant feel like a Muther, and am 
glad I cant. I am neither so soft in the Hed nor so tender brested, 
like the Pellican you rite of & which I take it must be some sort of forin 
Goose, to go Shylockiu a pound of flesh from my own buzum to satisfy 
extravigant bills. And that such is the case is proved by your own 
Entries as to uniforms and trinkits and so forth, whereby my thirty 
Pound have gone it appears for Dux and Drakes instead of buying bis 
Sextons and Squadrons and other nortical Instruments. What bisness 
has a yung fellow jist startin in life with little desideratums ? There 
was no such things in my time — no nor bullocks trunks nayther, ony 
elefants. So in course thats a sham entry. Praps insted of a goold 
snuff box to match his repeter. Or praps for a dandifide sute of Close, 
to wear turn about with his uniform, for the last time I had the pleasure, 




GUY OF WARWICK 



my Nevy reminded me a good deal of a Monky. Which reminds me if 
you want his picter in his absence, there's the very moral of him, in old 
Snitch's the tailer's winder, drawn and cullerd at full lenth, as a sample 
of the last ally mode. I mean the one a switching a little refined 
lickerish boot, as no man with a grate Toe could get his foot into. He's 
the very immage ! Now in 7ny yunger days a respectabel yuth was con 
tent with a decent coat and hat, and provided he could go into church 



336 



NEWS FEOM CHINA. 



with a clean shirt, well blackt Boots, and a pair of unholy gloves. But 
them was plain Johns, not dear Gusses. As to his goold Watch its 
like his impudence when his Uncle have gone thro life with a Pinch 
back— and whats more never had a Watch at all till five an twenty. 
The Cock was my Crow-nometer. Four in summer' and six in winter 
from years end to years end. But I supose erly risin was none of my 
Nevy's habbits.and till 13 or 1 he would have been letting himself down 

by getting up. The 
later the genteeler, — 
and I have herd of one 
fashonable religius lady 
in Lonnon who always 
got up singing the Even- 
ing Hym. However 
thats your way of bring- 
in up, namely to give a 
sun his own way in 
every thing, which being 
a very take it esy stile 
of edicating to my mind 
hardly justifies a Parent 
in bragging of it so 
much as she do in your 
letter. It would have 
been better praps to 
have thwarted a little 
more, for all his lively 
parts. My flebit Horse 
in the Spring cart is 
much such a Genus, 
with a remarkable tal- 
lent for Kickin, and not 
unclever at backin, and an uncommon quickness at running away. 
But I dont give him his Hed for all, that. ' He would soon be dis- 
tributing orders at rong doors if 1 did. But says you dear Gus isn't 
ment for a plodding tradesman. He's to be a shining caracter, as to 
which it seam to me, from the letter, my Nevy's cannon bullet -went 
nowheres watever, and the Oaptin only intended to Bay he'd be such a 
shining caracter as a mackrel, when its good for nuthing. 

As to his Corrispondance, not having your advantige of a hording 
Skool edication, I am no judge of stiles, how genuses ort to rite or not, 
but it do seem to me, from my own pickings up about the streets that 
he have much the same flashes of Fancy as the littel dirty ragged 
genuses that inquire arter strange gentlemens muthers, and if so be 
thoy have parted with their mangles. Still to give the Devil his do, 
as the saying is, there is parts of his letter not so much amiss. The 
Yellow See reads almost like filosofy — and the Opuim bisness sounds 
correct, and so does the Chiney Orfius, tho I cant weep over them being 




KISINQ AFTER THE LARK. 



NEWS FROM CHINA 327 

as you say a Batcheler, aud therefor all the childrea I havent got are to 
be chuckt in my teeth. The same of your own pictur of yourself which 
not being a Femal I cant fancy myself into, any more than you can 
fancy yourself into my inwizible green and drab shorts. All I can say 
is I hope I may live to see it, Lantern and all, and dear Gus a ridin 
arter you on an Elefant, like a nabob, or a Mandarin, which reminds of 
his libberty taken with my tie. As to cuttia it off praps I may, to leave 
as a legacy. In the mean while he may keep his Shan Pan to fry his 
own fish in. If he had been reely solicitus to please, a pair of them 
noddin figures, such as stands in some grocer's shop winders, ^Y0uld 
have been a more likely and nateral present. 

I think now I have answered every pint in your faver : and have only 
one thing to add namely trade is dredful flat, and money uncommon 
scarse and tight every where, which I mention in case that you or my 
Nevy may not look to me for the needful in any dilemmy as is far from 
unprobable. I have no more thirty pounds to give away : and as to 
lendin on lone, of course it will be expected without sekurity from a 
Nateral Uukle, wheras the Unnateral ones always gets something or 
other if its ony a flat irun for their advances. 

With which I remane 

Dear Sister 

Your loving Bruther, 

• Abel Dottin. 

Manchester, October the 26th, 1842. 



No. IV. — To Mr. Abel Doitin, Grocer, Manchester. 

Dear Brother, 

A violent cold having flown to my chest, I am too ill to enjoy 
retorting and retaliating, and which must plead my apology for not 
recriminating at more length. As such you must excuse my not resent- 
ing sereatim every point in your last letter, and making you thoroughly 
ashamed of yourself and your unnatural sentiments. I allude particu- 
larly to your taking refuge as an Uncle in the character of a Pawnbroker, 
and declining loans to your nearest ties, except on the usual sharking 
terms of those moral monsters. But trade hardens every thing. It 
teaches to adulterate our genuine feelings with sordid ingredients, and 
to weigh the just claims of consanguity in scales that are any thing 
but correct. 

Gracious heavens ! where is a sister or a nevy to look up to for assis- 
tance if needful, but to a rich connexion without chick or child, rolling 
in wealth, and where I venture to say, every shilling he advances will 
be to his everlasting credit ! 0, brother, consider your nevy's propin- 
quity ! Your sister's own son — and if ever a youth exhibited a decided 
propensity to get elevated, its him. I do hope, therefore, you will 
reflect before you shirk one so likely to redound upon you as dear Gus. 
Already by his native genius, improved by talent, he has arrived at a 



338 



NEWS FBOM CHINA. 



pitch of splendour to which few sons rise in the East ; and of course 
the greater his eminence and prosperity, the more he will reflect on his 
relations. To be sure, if a nevy was going down in the world instead of 
up, some people might feel justified in backing him with a cold shoulder; 
but where he promises wealth, affluence, and opulence, rank, title,_and 
dignity, to cut one's own flesh and blood must be perfect infatuation ! 
And suppose a little pecunery assistance was necessary to bis exaltation, 
ought the laudible heights of his ambition to be chilled and snowed 
upon by a cold calculating passimony, and let him be arrested on the 
liigh-roftd to fame and fortune, for want of a trifle, as I may say, to pay 

the gates? What's a paltry 
601. for such a figure in 
China! And that dear Gus 
has turned out a phenomena, 
is plain from his own account. 
So' great a rise in life of 
course demands a correspond- 
ing study of appearances, — 
but as transpires, poor fellow, 
from his letter, he has lost all 
his linnen and clothes. Such 
a misfortune must and shall 
be remedied, whatsoever shifts 
I may have to make, or if I 
strip myself to my last divi- 
dend. For I presume even 
you would not wish your nevy 
to be a General without a 
shirt, or a Colonel without in- 
expressibles, and especially 
when he has attracted, as I 
may say, the Eyes of Europe. A nevy who may some day have to be 
sculptured, colossially, and set up on a prancing charging horse, over a 
triumphant arch. 

But some people may treat such a picture as chimerical, though quite 
as wonderful metamorphoses have come down to us. Look at Bone}'- 
parte, who at first was only an engineer officer, like Mr. Braidwood, and 
yet came to be Emperor of the French. Or look at Washington, who 
from a common American soldier rose to be king of the whole republic ! 
For my own part I will say for my son, it as been my constant aim to 
instil genius into him, morning, noon, and night, and to cultivate a 
genteel turn for either the army, or the navy, or the church. The last, 
I own, would have been most congenial to my maternal wishes, for 
besides the safety of a pulpit, a soldier or a sailor when peace comes 
is a moral non-entity, but there is no peace in the church. However 
dear Gus would never hear of a shovel hat and a silk apron, and especially 
at the present time, when, as I understand, the clergy is to go back to 
tlieir ancient, antiquated costume, and put ou their old-fashioued rubrics. 




THE FIRST OF MARCH. 



NEWS FKOM CHINA. 329 

As to the law ha never could abide a chancellor's wig and gown, and 
indeed always showed a perfect antipathy to anything legal. So far, 
then, the Chinese war was a blessing, and all has turned out for the 
best ; for dear Gus has attained to martial glory, quite unusual at his 
age, and if a parent may predict, will some day be made a peer of, like 
Wellington, and hand himself down to posterity with his family arms. 

In the mean time I have packed up for him a dozen ready-made 
shirts, together with such money as I could scrape up, namely four 
sovereigns, a sum, alas ! which will fall far short of his Pekin expec- 
tations, and certainly not enough to let him see any great capital. In 
fact he names fifty pounds as the very smallest minimum for supporting 
the honour of his country at the Chinese court, and which most people 
will consider as very moderate terms., I do hope, therefore, when such 
a trifle is in the case and so much at stake, you will kindly contrive to 
make it up, or if cash is inconvenient, by an accommodation bill or a 
creditable letter to some banking-house abroad. As to security, my 
own U. 0. I. would, I trust, be sufficient between relatives, or if you 
preferr'd, dear Gus would no doubt be agreeable to your taking out the 
amount in tea or Chinese fans, or nid-noddin mandarins, or any other 
articles you might fancy. In which case you can be no loser, but will 
enjoy the satisfaction of putting forward a shining branch that will 
greatly add to our family lustre. 

How he escaped from such awfal Waterloo work as he describes is a 
perfect miracle. The mere perusal almost turned my whole mass of 
blood, and made me feel as if poked and stabbed in every fibre, and 
squibbed and rocketted besides. Indeed war seems from his picture, to 
be a combination of storm, total eclipse, the great earthquake that 
should have been, and the fifth of November. It follows that dear 
Gus must have been specially preserved from such a concatenation for 
some brilliant destiny, which it would be a sin in us to frustrate by any 
scrimp measures. I do beg and hope, therefore, to hear from you with 
the needful, by return of post, in which case I remain, dear Brother, 

Your affectionate sister, 

Jemima Budge. 

Wisbech, 17th November, 184'2 




IflBm-a SUKLLS. 



330 



NEWS FEOM CHINA. 



No. V. 

Dear Mothee, 

As I expected in my last, I have at leugth set foot in the 
Chinese empire, and am at this moment writing from Chew-shew, a 
regular Celestial village, though not to be found perhaps on the Celestial 
globe. However, it is a pleasant place enough, and would be pleasanter 
if our quartermaster had not quartered me with a ^Yholesale breeder of 
black beetles, for a great Soy manufactury in the neighbourhood — a hint 
which I suppose will set your face and stomach for the future against 
that soy-disant sauce. However, here is the process from the Chinese 
receipt. First fatten your beetles on as much pounded rice as they will 
eat. Then mash the insects to a paste, which must be slowly boiled in 
a strong decoction of Spanish liquorice. Strain the liquor carefully, 
and bottle it, well corked, for English use. 

Since my last we have bad several brushes with the natives, whose 
first attempt was to make a bonfire of us in the river, having agreed to 
a truce for the purpose. In fact a regular gunpowder plot ; but such 
traitors are sure to split amongst themselves, and one of them gave our 




A SQUALL AT LONG EEACH. 



commander the office the day before. At first the report was treated as 
a bam. However, after dark, as soon as the tide turned, down came the 
fire-raft with the ebb, and if the pigtails had been content with a busi- 
ness-like flare-up of combustibles and destructibles, might have played 
old gooseberry with our ship. But the Chinese are famous for their 
pn-otechnics, in which they take the shine out of Madame Hengler her- 
self, so their vanity could not resist a little show off in the fancy line, 
to accompany their infernal machine. Accordingly, instead of the raft 



NEWS FllOM CHINA. 



331 




drifting quietly down on us, with a length of slow-match proportioned 
to the distance, we were warned of it two miles off hy a shower of 
outlandish squibbs and 
crackers and serpents, 
cutting away in all direc- 
tions, and then forming 
themselves into Chinese 
characters, one of them 
standing, as the pilot told 
us, for a certain very hot 
place. Of course we 
soon shifted our birth, 
and let the fire-raft drive 
clear of us, which soon 
after blew up in the 
shape of a great firey 
dragon, with a blazing 
tail twisting to a point 
like a red-hot corkscrew, 
and spitting a volley of 
blue zigzaggy lightning 

dartlUg out of its mouth. rocket tlue at vauxhall.— a peominent feature. 

It was a splendid sight, 

beating the grand Vauxhall finales, or the Surrey Zoological, all to 

sticks — and except in one little accident a very satisfactory performance. 

In the hurry of shifting the ship, the Chinese wash-boats that were 
fastened astern of her were all cut adrift, and getting entangled with 
the fire-raft, our damp linen was terribly over-aired. Being the first 
wash after the voyage from England, my whole stock, unfortunately, 
was in the tub — shirts, trowsers, stockings, in short, everything — so 
that what I am to do for a change I know not, unless I can turn my 
blanket into a flannel waistcoat, and my sheets into a pair of ducks. A 
queer sort of toggery to exhibit in to the Brother of the Sun and Moon 
and the Imperial Family at Pekin. To be sure I have since obtained 
a few laurels, and if they were real ones might go to court as a Jack in 
the Green — but no, the thing is beyond a joke, and I do hope that on 
the receipt of this my dear mother will immediately forward a dozen 
shirts (fine ones mind) to her dear Gus. For trowsers, the climate 
being warm, I can perhaps make shift, a la Highlander, but the shirls 
are indispensable, and may be sent to the care of John Shearing, 
Esquire, Star Coifee-hoi:se, Drury-lane, who is coming out with the first 
reinforcements and supplies. 

Having mentioned my laurels, you will naturally wish to know where 
they were picked. After the fire-raft business, our commanders 
resolved in a council of war, to waste no more time in chafling, but to 
commence uncivil operations, and do the offensive. So we were all 
disembarked, soldiers, sailors, and marines, and after a skirmish or two, 
Brought the enemy to a regular stand-up fight, at a place called Kow- 



332 NEWS FEOM CHINA. 

Tan. Thoy were in great force, and opened a smart fire on us from 
tlieir matchlocks and field artillery, which are small swivels fastened on 
camels' backs, but are frequently so overloaded, that the recoil tears of 
the poor animal's hump. On our side we had lots of howitzers tha., 
kept shelling out their bombs and grapnells like fun. 

Our right was composed of the marines, and our centre of the 
regulars, but we had no left at all on account of a swamp. The sailors 
were the reserve, only, as usual, they would not reserve themselves, 
but ran off belter skelter to a Chinese castle, which they took by 
boarding. In the meantime Captain Pidding got possession of a tea- 
grove towards Howqua, while Twining's company captured a magazine 
containing about SO, 000 pounds of fine gunpowder, and immediately 
opened a discharge of canisters, that made regular Mincing-lanes 
through the main body of the Teatollers. My own post was with a 
cloud of skirmishers that was pushed forward to enfilade our artillery, 
while it made a reconnoisance — but I do not pretend to describe all the 
manoeuvres of our army, like the moves at a game of chess. Some eye- 
witnesses, I know, profess to have seen every thing in an action, right 
and left, back and front, and in the middle, as clear as the figures of a 
quadrille, but which is very different to my notion and experience of a 
battle. To my mind it is more like a turn-up in London, where you 
are too much engaged with your own customers to attend to what goes 
on over the way, or at the other end of the street, — not to forget the 
dust and smother, for the guns and cannons, as yet, are not obliged by 
Act of Parliament to consume their own smoke. To give a clear idea 
of it, just fancy yourself in a London fog, so thick that you can only see 
your two next files. Well, by and by, the right-hand one, after cutting 
an extraordinary caper, suddenly drops and rolls out of sight into the 
fog, and when you look rather anxiously for your left-hand man, you 
see Tom Brown instead of Jack Robinson. The next minute you 
throw a summerset yourself ever a log or a dead corporal, you cannot 
see which, and then plunge with your head into the big drum, or 
perhaps on a dismounted cannon, with a crash that maltes you see all 
the gaslights in London in one focus. Of course, you're insensible for 
a bit, till you're refreshed with a kick or a stab, and then you revive 
again, about as cool and collected as a gentleman waking suddenly at 
midnight, to a storm of thunder and lightning, a smother of smoke, a 
strong smell of fire, and a burglar or two at his bedside. All you see 
distinctly is some sort of bright picked-pointed instrument within an 
inch of your eye, which of course you parry off by natural instinct, and 
then going to work at random, cut and thrust right and left with your 
sword, or pike, or bayonet, into the darkness visible, which goes "into 
something soft, and comes back red and dripping. That's to say, if 
you have good luck ; if not, you get a slash or a poke yourself, from 
some person or persons unknown, in your throat, or your chest, or your 
stomach, or wherever you like. However, for this once you win first 
blood— so on you go groping, stumbling, poking, parrying, and cough 
ing, when you've time for it, and winking if you can't help it, the flashes 



NEWS FEOM CHTNA. 



333 



increasing like blazes, tbe smother getting thicker and thicker, and the 
noise louder and louder, — so that you don't know you're been 
cheering except by getting hoarse and short of wind. No matter, on 
you push, or are pushed, into the cloud, till at last you dimly see a sort 
• of Ombre Shinois dodging before you, that suddenly turns to a real 
Tartar, painted and dressed up to loolc like a Bengal Ti^er, and 
flourishing a great double-edged sword in each of his fore paws. Of 
course it's kill or be killed, so at it you go, like Carter and his wild 
beasts, only in right down earnest, two or three more Tigers joinin" in, 
clash slash, and the sparks flying as thick as in a smith's forge, or 
at a Terrific Combat at the Surrey or the Wells. Such a shindy is too 
hot to last, and, accordingly, if you're alive at the end of two jiffies, 
the chance is that you find yourself making quite a melodramatic 
Tableau — namely, your bloody sword in one hand, a Chinese pigtail 
in the other, and four or five weltering Tartars lying round your 
feet! 

What followed I hardly know, my head seeming to spin like 
Harlequin's ; but I am told that I performed prodigies of pluck, and 
which, if you do not read of in the dispatches, must be kid to the envy 
and jealousy of our Top Sawyers and the Commander-in-chief. 

The pigtails, to do the handsome, behaved with great coolness, many 
of them fanning themselves with their great fans in the heat of the 
action. But, as usual, European tactics prevailed over want of 
discipline ; and the barbarians having both their wings broken were 
obliged to fly. The slaughter was prodigious — our mortars playing 
like bricks, and the flying artillery dropping their tumbrils witli 
beautiful precision into the thick of the mob. The sword and bayonet, 
as we may suppose, were not idle, but indulged in lots of "sticks aii'l 
strikes," as Miss Martineau 

says, at the expense of the f\ 

Chinese, and turned a great 
many of their flanks. The swag 
is immense : including the 
enemy's military chest, and 
the key of their position, which 
is of solid gold, and first-rate 
workmanship, and is to be sent 
home to England for presenta- 
tion to the Queen. 

The loss on the English side 
was trifling ; only one man 
belonging to our ship being 
killed, — a London Billsticker 
who had volunteered with the Expedition, to get a sight, as he said, 
of the great Chinese Wall. 

Well, after the battle was over, we turned, as the song says, from 
Lions into Lambs, sparing all such as made signs for quarter, only 
marking them, by cutting off their tails, as being under British protec- 




A niLL-STI^KER, 



334 



NEWS FHOM CHINA. 



tion. A good many of the natives were also chevied after, and humaneh' 
hunted back to their homes, though some of our fellows, it must be 
owned, preferred breaking into the villas and Joss-houses in search of 
the silver, and got plenty of tin, besides Poo-Choos, Jop-ees, and the 
like. Mister Augustus for his share, only getting a fiddling little Ye-. 
Yin, alias a Kit. The truth is, I was too much interested in going 
after a poor little stray Chinese. From the marks, it was evidently 
very young, and unaccompanied, and the mere idea of a lost child in 
such a vast empire as China, would have engaged the commonest 
humanity in the taslc ; the country, besides being full of swamps and 
canals, and hundreds of uncovered wells, into which, in its headlong 
terror, it might plunge. My heart turned sick at the very thought, and 
made me the more eager to overtake the youngster, while fancy painted 
the delightful scene of restoring it uninjured to its distracted parents. 
But fear had lent wings to the little feet which I tracked, with Indian- 
like perseverance, by 
the prints in the mud 
and sand, — on, and on, 
and on, but alas ! with- 
out a glimpse of the 
fugitive. Scared by the 
thunder of our artillery, 
it had probably flown 
for miles, and I had 
almost given up all 
hope, when the trail, as 
Cooper calls it, led me 
to the edge of a paddy- 
ground (or rice-field), 
where I caught sight of 
something crouching 
down amongst the herb- 
age. You may guess 
with what eagerness I 
dashed in and made a 
grab at her blue-satin, 
when, suddenlyjumping 
up to bolt, the poor child 
turned out to be her own 
mother, or at least a 
y feet of an English two- 
I tried to comfort and 




"WHAT TOR YOn HANG DE PICKANINNY?" 



full-sized China- woman, but with the little tin 
year-old. Still, being a female in distress, 

encourage her— no easy job for a foreign Barbarian, as black as a sw"e"ep 
with gunpowder, as ragged as a beggar with slashing and fencing, and 
jabbering all his compliments and consolations in an unknown tongue. 
So as chaffing was of no use, I was compelled to active measures— but 
the more I tried to save her the more the little catty package clawed 
me with what I can only compare to human tenpenny nails. However 



NEWS FROM CHINA. 



835 



I made shift to carry her off to the nearest house, which proved to be 
either her own or a friend's ; for she flung herself into the arms of a 
fat elderly Chinaman, who met us at the door. The old fellow, whether 
husband or father, was very civil, and seemed to twig m}' motives much 
better than the lady : for after a little telegraphing, he politely set 
before me a regular Chinese feast, namely a saucer full of candied 
garden-worms, a cold boiled bird's nest, and a basin of addled eggs, 
making signs besides, that if I would wait for one being killed, I should 
have a dish of dead dog. All being intended on his part to do the 
handsome and the grateful in return for my services — but which, as 
virtue is its own reward, I declined. 

Our victoiy at Kow-Tan, it is thought, will end the war, so that 
before you are much older, you may look, my dear mother, to see 

Your affectionate son, 

Augustus Budge. 



P.S. — I re-open my letter to say that a Treaty of Peace has been 
signed at Nankin. It remains to be seen whether the English nation 
will be satisfied with the terms, but they were the best we could get — 
namely, the Chinese are 
all to turn Christians, 
and to pay off our Na- 
tional Debt. Of course 
there will be Illumina- 
tions in London, and at 
Pekin there is to be a 
grand Feast of Lanterns, 
to which the Emperor 
has invited our Com- 
mander-in-chief, with 
such officers as he may 
name ; and I am proud 
and happy to say I am 
set down rather high in 
the list. So to say no- 
thing of promotion at 
home, which may be 

booked, I am sure of something handsothe from the Brother of the Sun 
and Moon, who, like those celestial relatives, is famous for tipping with 
gold and silver. But a little of the ready, say fifty pounds at the very 
lowest, will be absolutely needful in the meantime, if I am to keep up 
my rank at the Chinese Court. In such a case I know you will grudge 
nothing, and perhaps Uncle Abel will come down, in whole or in part. 
But pray do remember tliat the money must he had, and may be for- 
warded through the same channel as the shirts. 




"I'&ifiAffiefn^ 



•come, eat sowe paddy.' 



336 



NEWS FROM CHINA. 



No. VI.— To Mhs. Bodgb, Wishesh. 



Deab Sister, 

Your last of the 17 Instant came duly to hand And am sorry 
to note you are too poorly for illfeeling, which in course I can excuse. 
In such a case being loath to agrivate, shall confine myself to Matters 
of Fact which being unanserable will save you the troubble of a Reply. 
— Otherwise I should have considdered my deuty to set you to rites 
and partickly on the subjex of Trade and Tradesmen and their 
adulteratin and use of short waits. As to which a honest man, 
altho he is a grocer, may be a fare dealer and have as nice senses of 
honners in his trade, as a Lord or a Duke who has no Bisness whatever 
in the world. Thats my feeling, and on my own private Account beg 
to say so fur from aproving of fraudulent Practices if so be I thought 
ray Skales was cheatin I would kick the beam. Concerning which I 
may remark that some people who considder themselves Gentry such as 
Bankers toppin Merchants and the like contrive to have false Ballances 
without any Skales at all. So much for your flings at trade tho I do 
not care a fig, nor even a whole Drum of them for sich reflections. 
Praps if my Nevy had been put early in life to the same Bisness he 
mite by this time have been rollin in Welth as well as his Uncle, which 
however I ant. The times is too up hill and money too scarse for any 
sich opperatiou, But at any rate he mite have reallized a little Mint 
instead of his Sprigs of Lawril of which I advise to inquire the vally at 
Common Garden. But that comes of your genteel notions of a polite 

bringin up and which nothin 
would satisfy more humbler 
than a Lord Chancellor, or a 
Bishop, or a Field Marshal. 
In my yunger days the sons 
of limmitted Widders with 
narrer incums had no sich 
capital choices, or my own 
Muther would certanely have 
preferred me in a silk apon to 
a dowlus, and a clericle shovel 
hat to a shockin bad un with 
the brim turned up all round. 
Not to name a military hat 
on full cock and very full 
fledged with fethers. Also a 
fine scarlet or blew uniform 
with goold lace down my un- 
expressibles, in loo of a pair 
of cordray Shorts meant for 
longs, as well as shabby, with a scrimp Jacket that praps objected to 
meet them on that account. As for linnin, its onuff to say my muther 




OUT OF sionr, out of mind." 



NEWS FROM CHINA, 837 

hardly thort it worth markin, and never numbered it all. As regards 
which its my opinion if you ever see dear Gus again you are more likely 
to see a shirt without a General than a General without a shurt. But 
its the prevailing fashion nowadays for every Boddy to aspire above 
their stashuns, or at any rate to pass oil their humbleness under some 
high flown name. For exampel John Burril of our place, who I over- 
heard the other day calling himself the Architect of his own fortune, 
and he's only a little Bilder. 

But as I said above I am not going pint by pint through your faver, 
but to convey certain pertiolurs as follows. When I received yours of 
said date I was jist on the eve of startin off by the railway on urgent 
business to the metropulis. So I had only time to put your letter in 
my pockit-book, which will explane my ansering it from this place, 
namely the Gorge and Vulture, High Holbom— N.B. and prepaid 
beforehand. Being seven year since my last visit to London and my 
first regular holliday, it appeared not altogether incumpatible to treat 
myself for once to the play, which was Theatre Eoyal Drury Lane, at 
three shillings ahead to the pit, the front row next the Musick. Tho 
peace was King John, another exampel you will say of a hard harted 
Uncle and a neglected Nevy, and as such, a theatricle slap in somebody's 
face. But beggin pardon it seems to me that the account between such 
relashunships have never been correctly stated nor the claims of the 
junior party fairly made out. A Father is a father with his own consent 
and concurrants and therefore only responsibel as I may say for his own 
Acceptance — but an Uncle is made such willy nilly whether he's agree- 
able or not, as is partickly hard on a single Batcheler who not wanting 
children at all, is obligated to have them at second hand in the shapes 
of Nevies and Neeces. As such I could not help syraperthisin with 
King John, with a plaguy Nevy of a prince Arthur, and an unreasonable 
Muther, always harping like somebody else on her son, her son, her son, 
and to be sure when she did kick up a dust it was a hot one, like ground 
pepper and ginger ! However the second act being over, I stud up and 
looked round, as usual, to have a survey of the House and the company 
when lo and behold whom should I see about three rows off in the pit, 
whom but dear Gus himself! — your preshus Son and my identical 
Nevy, — who ought by rites at that very moment to have been at Canton 
in Chiney ! What I said or did in my surprise I don't know, but the 
hole House, Boxes Pit and Gallery, bust out in a loud roar of horse 
lauffing which to my humble capacity was anything but a propper display 
of feeliu at such juvenile depravity. However I scrambled over the 
Benshes without ceremunny and had -well nigh apprehendid him when 
a genteel blaggard thumpt down my bran new bever right over my 
bridge of my Nose and afore I could get it up agin, both scoundrils 
includin dear Gus had made off. Still I mite praps have ketchd him 
except for a new Police but more like an old Fool, who insistid on 
detainin me to know my particklers of my Loss. Why then says I it's 
30 pound, a new hat and a nevy, but as he had seen none of them took 
he declined to interfere. I mite have added to my minuses the best 

SECOND SEMES. Z 



338 KEWS FHOM CHINA. 

part of the Play, which of course I could not set out but returned to the 
Gorge and Vulter to engage a sleepless bed for the night. But not 
being bed time I set down to anser j-our faver, on referring to which 
put me in mind to inquire of his frend sum Reprobate of course at the 
Coffee-shop in Drury Lane and the same being handy instead of the 
letter I posted off myself and asked if Mr. Shearing was known at the 
House. Which he was. So I was showed into the Coffee-room, into a 
privit box and sure enuf there he were — not his frend but himself, 
having only used the other name for an Alibi. 

However there he were, with a siggar in his mouth and a glass of 
Negus afore him which I indignently drunk up myself and then 
demandid an account of his misconduct, Errers not Excepted. AVhich 
he give. So the long and the short is he made a full Confession 
whereby it apears insted of goin abroad he was never out of London at 
least not further then Hide Park Corner to a Chinees Exibition and 
where he pickt up his confounded Long Tungs and Slang Wangs and 
Swan Pans and every attum he knows of them infurnal Celestials. 

As mite be expected his Cash including my £30 was all squandered 
mostly I suppose for bottles of wine and smoke, — and such little 
desideratums. His goold watch went a month ago — and the bullocks 
trunks as I predicted grew out of his own Head. So much for a shinin 
caracter and a Genus above the common. As such you will soon have 
dear Gus on your own hands agin, at Wisbech, where if Uncles may 
advise as well as contribit he will be placed with some steddy tradesman 
to lern a bisness. Unless praps you prefer him to have an Appintment 
in the next Expedition to Bottany Bay. With which I remain, dear 
Sister, 

Your loving Brother, 

Abel Dottin. 

London. November the SSth, 1842. 

P.S. I did hope to save the new Shurts out of the fire. But to use 
his own words they are Spouted and he have lost the Ticket. 




rOR ODINA BIKKCT, 



339 



NEW HAEMONY. 



'1 '11 have five hundred voices of that sound." — Coeiolanus, 



A FEW days since, while passing along tbe Strand, near Exeter Hall, 
my ear was suddenly startled by a burst of sound from the interior of 
that building : — a noise which, according to a bystander, proceeded 
from the " calling out of the Vocal Militia." This explanation rather 
exciting than allaying my curiosity, induced me to make further 
inquiries into the matter ; when it appeared that the Educational Com 
mittee had built a plan, on a G-erman foundation, for the instruction of 
the middle and lower orders in Music, and that a Mr. Hullah was then 
engaged in drilling one of the classes in singing. 

As an advocate for the innocent amusement of the lower classes, and 
the people in general, the news gave me no small pleasure ; and even 
the distant chorus gratified my ear, more than a critical organ ought to 
have been pleased, by the imperfect blending of a number of unprac- 
tised voices of very various qualities, and as yet not quite so tuneable 
as the hounds of Theseus in giving tongue. Indeed, one or two voices 
seemed also to be " out of their time " in the very beginning of their 
apprenticeship. But to a patriotic mind, there was a moral sweetness 
in the music that fully atoned for any vocal irregularities, and would 
have reconciled me even to an orchestra of Dutch Nightingales. To 
explain this feeling, it must be remembered that no Administration 
but one which intended to be popular and paternal, would ever think 
of thus encouraging the exercise of the Vox Populi ; and especially of 
teaching the million to lift up their voices in concert, for want of which, 
and through discordances amongst themselves, their political choruses 
have hitherto been so ineffective. It was evident, therefore, that our 
Rulers seriously intended, not <ierely to imbue the people with musical 
knowledge, but also to give them good cause to sing, — and of course, 
hoped to lend their own ministerial ears to songs and ballads very 
different from the satirical chansons that are chanted on the other side 
of the English Channel. In short, we were all to be as merry and as 
tuneful as Larks, and to enjoy a Political and a Musical Millennium ! 

This idea so transported me, that like a grateful canary I inconti- 
nently burst into a full-throated song, and with such thrills and 
flourishes as recurred to rae, commenced a Bravura, which in a few 
minutes might have attracted an audience more numerous than select, 
if my performance had not been checked in its very preludium by an 
occurrence peculiarly characteristic of a London street. It was, in fact, 
tbe abrupt putting to me of a question, which some pert cockney of the 
Poultry first addressed to the unfledged. 



840 




A stuange bird. 



THE LARK AND THE ROOK. 

A FABLE. 



" Lo ! hear the gentle lark ! " — Shakspeake. 

Once on a time — no matter where— 
A Lark took such a fancy to the air, 
That though he often gaz'd beneath, 
Watching the breezy down, or heath, 
Yet very, very seldom he was found 
To perch upon the ground. 

Hour after hour, 
Through ev'ry change of weather hard or soft, 
Through sun and sh.ade, and wind and show'r, 

Still fluttering aloft ; 
In silence now, and now in song, 
Up, up in cloudland all day long. 
On weary wing, yet with unceasing flight. 
Like to those Birds of Paradise, so rare. 
Fabled to live and love, and feed in air. 

But never to alight. 



THE LARK AND THE BOOK, 341 

It caus'd, of course, mucli speculation 
Among the feather'd generation ; 
Who tried to guess the riddle that was in it — 
The robin puzzled at it, and the wren, 

The swallows, cock and hen, 

The wagtail, and the linnet, 
The yellowhammer, and the finch as well — 
The sparrow ask'd the tit, who couldn't tell, 
The jay, the pie — but all were in the dai-k. 
Till out of patience with the common doubt. 
The Eook at last resolv'd to worm it out, 
And thus accosted the mysterious Lark: — 

" Friend, prithee, tell me why 
You keep this constant hovering so high. 
As if you had some castle in the air, 
That you are always poising there, 

A speck against the sky — 
Neglectful of each old familiar feature 
Of Earth that nurs'd you in your callow state — 
You think you're only soaring at heaven's gate, 
Whereas you're flying in the face of Nature ! " 

" Friend," said the Lark, with melancholy tone, 
And in each little eye a dewdrop shone, 
" No creature of my kind was ever fonder 

Of that dear spot of earth 

Which gave it birth — 
And I was nestled in the furrow yonder ! 
Sweet is the twinkle of the dewy heath. 
And sweet that thymy down I watch beneath, 
Saluted often with a living sonnet ; 
But Men, vile Men, have spread so thick a scurf 
Of dirt and infamy about the Turf, 

I do not like to settle on it ! " 



MORAL. 

Alas ! how Nobles of another race 
Appointed to the bright and lofty way, 
Too willingly descend to haunt a place 
Polluted by the deeds of Birds of Prey ! 



342 




'fA^j^"^ 



'ABROAD IN THE JIEADOWS 
TO SEE THE YOUNG LAJIBS. ' 



THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 



A SKETCH ON THE EOAD. 



' It is the Soul that sees ; the outward eyes 
Present the object ; but the Mind descries, 
And thence delight, disgust, and cool indifference rise." — Ckabbe. 



" A CHARMING morning, sir,'' remarked my only fellow-passenger in 
the Comet, as soon as I had settled myself in the opposite corner of 
the coach. 

As a matter of course and courtesy I assented ; thougli I had cer- 
tainly seen better days. It did not raia ; hut the weather was gloomy, 
and the air felt raw, as it well might with a pale dim sun overhead, 
that seemed to have lost all power of roasting. 

" Quite an Italian Sky," added the Stranger, looking up at a sort of 
French grey coverlet that would have given a Neapolitan fancy the 
ague. 

However, I acquiesced again, but was obliged to protest against the 
letting down of both windows in order to admit what was called the 
" fresh invigorating breeze from the Surrey Hills." 

To atone for this objection, however, I agreed that the coach was the 
best, easiest, safest, and fastest in England, and the road the most 
picturesque out of London. Complaisance apart, we were passing 
between two vegetable screens, of a colour converted by dust to a really 
"invisible green," and so high, that they excluded any prospect as 



THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND. 



3i3 



eflfbctually as if they had been Venetian blinds. The stranger, never- 
theless, watched the monotonous fence with evident satisfaction. 

" No such hedges, sir, out of England " 

" I believe not, sir! " 

" No, sir, quite a national feature. They are peculiar to the inclo' 
sures of our highly cultivated island. You may travel from Calais to 
Constantinople without the eye reposing on a similar spectacle." 

" So I have understood, sir." 

"Fact, sir: they are unique. And yonder is another rural picture 
unparalleled, I may say, in continental Europe — a meadow of rich 
pasture, enamelled with the indigenous daisy and a multiplicity of 
buttercups ! " 

The oddity of the phraseology made me look curiously at the speaker. 
A pastoral poet, thought I — but no — he was too plump and florid to 
belong to that famishing 
fraternity, and in his 
dress, as well as in his 
person, had every ap- 
pearance of a man well to 
do in the world. He was 
more probably a gentle- 
man farmer, an admirer 
of fine grazing-land, and 
perhaps delighted in a 
well-dressed paddock and 
genteel haystack of his 
own. But I did him 
injustice, or rather to his 
taste — which was far less 
exclusive — for the next 
scene to which he invited 
my attention was of a 
totally different character 
— a vast, bleak, scurfy- 
looking common, too bar- 
ren to afford even a pick- 
ingtoanyliving creatures, 

except a few crows. The view, however, elicited a note of admiration 
from my companion : 

" What an extensive prospect ! Genuine, uncultivated nature— and 
studded with rooks ! ", 

The stranger had now furnished me with a clue to his character ; 
which he afterwards more amusingly unravelled. He was an Optimist ; 
—one of those blessed beiogs (for they are blessed) who think that 
whatever is, is beautiful as well as right :— practical philosophers who 
make the best of everything ; imaginative painters, who draw each 
object en beau, and deal plentifully in cotdeur de rose. And they are 
right. To be good— in spite of all the old story-books, and all their 




BONEFACE. 



Ui 



THE HAPPIEST MAN IN ENGLAND 



old morals, — is not to be happy. Still less does it result from Rank, 
Power, Learning, or Riches ; from the single state or a double one^ or 
even from good health or a clean conscience. The source of felicity, 
as the poet truly declares, is in the Mind — for like my fellow-traveller, 
the man who has a mind to be happy will be so, on the plainest 
commons that nature can set before him — with or without the rooks. 

The reader of Crabbe will remember bow graphically he has described, 
in his " Lover's Journey," the different aspects of the same landscape 
to the same individual, under different moods — on his outward road, an 
Optimist, like my fellow-traveller, but on his return a malcontent like 
myself. 

In the mean time, the coach stopped — and opposite to what many a 
person, if seated in one of its right-hand corners, would have considered 

a very bad lookout, 
— a muddy square 
space, bounded on 
three sides by plain 
brick stabling and 
wooden barns, with 
a dwarf wall, and 
a gate, for a fore- 
ground to the pic- 
ture. In fact, a 
straw-yard, but un- 
tenanted by any 
live stock, as if 
an Owenite plan 
amongst the brute 
creation, for living in a social parallelogram, had been abandoned. There 
seemed no peg here on which to hang any eulogium ; but the eye of 
the Optimist detected one in a moment: 
" What a desirable Pond for Ducks ! " 

He then shifted his position to the opposite window, and with equal 
celerity discovered " a capital Pump ! with oceans of excellent Spring 
Water, and a commodious handle within reach of the smallest Child ! " 
I wondered to myself how he would have described the foreign 
Fountains, where the sparkling iluid gushes from groups of Sculpture 
into marble basins, and, without the trouble of pumping at all, ministers 
to the thirst and cleanliness of half a city. And yet I had seen some 
of our Travellers pass such a superb AVater-work with scarcely a glance, 
and certainly without a syllable of notice ! It is such Headless 
Tourists, by the way, who throng to the German Baths and consider 
themselves Bubbled, because, without any mind's eye at all, they do 
not see all t,he pleasant things which were so graphically described by 
the Old Man of the Brunnens. For my own part, I could not helja 
thinking that I must have lost some pleasure in my own progress 
through life by being difficult to please. 
For example, even during the present journey, whilst I had been 




A CLr.AR STAGIi:, AND ;;0 FAVOUK. 



THE HAPPIEST lUN IN ENGLAND. 



345 



iuwardly grumbling at the weather, and yawning at the road, my fellow- 
traveller had been^ revelling in Italian skies, salubrious breezes, verdant 
enclosures, pastoral pictures, sympathising with wet habits and dry, and 
enjoying desirable duck-ponds, and parochial Pumps ! 

What a contrast, methought, between the cheerful contented spirit 
of my present com- 
panion, and the dis- 
satisfied temper and 
tone of Sir W. W., 
with whom I once had 
the uncomfortable 
honour of travelling 
tete-a-tetehom Leipzig 
to Berlin. The road, 
it is true, was none of 
the most interesting, 
but even the tame and 
flat scenery of the 
Lincolnshire Fens 
may be rendered still 
more wearisome by 
sulkily throwing your- 
self back in your car- 
riage and talking of 
Switzerland ! But Sir 
W. W. was far too 
nice to be wise — too 
fastidious to be happy 
— too critical to be 
contented. Whereas 

my present coach-fellow was not afraid to admire a common-place inn 
— I forget its exact locality — but he described it as " superior to any 
oriental Caravausery — and with a Sign that, in the Infancy of the Art, 
might have passed ior a. Chef d'QSiivre." 

Happy Man ! How he must have enjoyed the Exhibitions of the 
Royal Academy, whereas to judge by our periodical critiques on suck 
Works of Modern Art, there are scarcely a score out of a thousand 
annual Pictures that ought to give pleasure to a Connoisseur. Nay, 
even the Louvre has failed to satisfy some of its visitants, on the same 
principle that a matchless collection of Titians has been condemned for 
the want of a good Teniers. 

But my fellow-traveller was none of that breed : he had nothing in 
common with a certain Lady, who, with half London, or at least its 
Londoners, had inspected Wanstead House, prior to its demolition, and 
on being asked for her opinion of that princely mansion, replied that it 
was " short of cupboards." 

In fact, he had soon an opportunity of pronouncing on a Country 
Seat — far, very, very far inferior to the House just mentioned, and 




COnXI OCLIOATI. 



846 



THE HAPPIEST MAN' IN ENGLAKl). 




' TUE LAST MAN. 



declared it to be one wliich "Adam himself would have chosen for a 
Family residence, if Domestic Architecture had flourished in the 
primeval Ages." 

Happy Man, again ! for with what joy, and comfort, and cheerfulness, 
for his co-tenants, would he have inhabited the enviable dwelling ; and 

yet, to my private knowledge, the Pro- 
prietor was one of the most miserable 
of his species, simply because he chose 
to go through life like a pug-dog — 
with his nose turned up at every- 
thing in the world. And, truly, flesh 
is grass, and beauty is dust, and gold 
is dross, nay, life itself but a vapour ; 
but instead of dwelling on such dis- 
paragements, it is far wiser and hap- 
pier, like the florid gentleman in one 
corner of the Comet, to remember that 
one is not a Sworn Appraiser, nor 
bound by oath like an Ale-Conner to 
think small beer of small beer. 

From these reflections I was sud- 
denly roused by the Optimist, who 
eai'uestly begged me to look out of the 
Window at a prospect which, though pleasing, was far from a fine one, 
for either variety or extent. 

" There, sir, — there's a Panorama ! A perfect circle of enchantment ! 
realizing the Arabia Felix of Fairy Land in the County of Kent ! " 
" Very pretty, indeed." 

" It's a gem, sir, even in our Land of Oaks — and may challenge a 
comparison with the most luxuriant Specimens of what the Great Gilpin 
calls Forest Scenery ! " 
" I think it may." 

"By the bye, did you ever see Scrublands, sir, in Susse.x? " 
" Never, sir." 

" Then, sir, you have yet to enjoy a romantic scene of the Sylvan 
Character, not to be paralleled within the limits of Geography ? To 
describe it would require one to soar into the regions of Poetry, but I 
do not hesitate to say, that if the celebrated Kobinson Crusoe were 
placed within sight of it, he would exclaim in a transport ' Juan 
Fernandez ! ' " 

" I do not doubt it, sir." 

" Perhaps, sir, you have been in Derbyshire ? " 
" No, sir." 

" Then, sir, you have another splendid treat infuturo — Braggins— a 
delicious amalgamation of Art and Nature,— a perfect Eden, sir,— and 
the very spot, if there be one on the Terrestial Globe, for the famous 
Milton to have realised his own ' Paradise E.egained ! ' " 

In this glowing style, waxing warmer and warmer with his own 



TIIH HAPPIEST MAN IN KNGLASD. 



347 



descriptions, tlie florid gentlemaa paiuted for me a series of higlily- 
coloured sketches of the places he had visited ; each a retreat that would 
wonderfully have broken the fall of our first Parents, and so tliickly 
scattered throughout the counties, that by a moderate computation our 
Fortunate Island contained at least a thousand "Perfect Paradises," 
copyhold or freehold. A pleasant contrast to the gloomy pictures v/bich 
are drawn by certain desponding and agriculturally-depressed Spirits 
who cannot find a single Elysian Field, pasture or arable, in the same 
country ! 

In the meantime, such is the force of sympathy, the Optimist had 
gradually inspired me with something of his own spirit, and I began to 
look out for and detect unrivalled forest scenery, and perfect panoramas, 
and little Edens, and might in time have picked out a romantic puaip, 
or a picturesque post, — but, alas ! iu the very middle of my course of 
Beau Idealism, the coach stopped, the door opened, and with a hurried 
good morning, the florid gentle- 
man stepped out of the stage 
and into a gig which had been 
waiting for him at the end of a 
cross-road, and in another minute 
was driving down the lane be- 
tween two of those hedges that 
are only to be seen in England. 

" Well, go where thou wilt," 
thought I, as he disappeared 
behind the fence, " thou art cer- 
tainly the Happiest Man in Eng- 
land ! " 

Yes — be was gone ; and alight 
and a glory had departed with 
him. The air again felt raw, 
the sky seemed duller, the sun 
more dim and pale, and the road 
more heavy. The scenery ap- 
peared to become tamer and 
tamer, the inns more undesirable, 
and their signs were mere daubs. 
At the first opportunity I ob- 
tained a glass of sherry, but its 
taste was vapid ; every thing in „ „ . , 

short appeared "flat, stale, and unprofitable." Like a Bull m the 
Alley, whose flattering rumours hoist up the public funds, the high 
sanguine tone of the Optimist had raised my spirits considerably above 
par ; but now his operations had ceased, and by the usual reaction my 
mind sank again even below its natural level. My short-lived enthu- 
siasm was gone, and instead of the cheerful fertile country through 
which I had been journeying, I seemed to be travelling that memorable 
long stage between Dan and Beersheba whore " all was barren. 




A BDMPEB AT rAnTlEO. 



318 THE HAPriKST MAN IX ENGLAND, 

Some months afterwards I was tempted to go into Essex to inspect a 
small Freehold Property v/hich was advertised for sale in that county. 
It was described, in large and small print, as "a delightful Swiss Villa, 
the prettiest thing in Europe, and enjoying a boundless prospect over a 
country proverbial for Fertility, and resembling tliat Traditional Land 
of Promise described metaphorically in Holy Writ as overflowing with 
Milk and Honey." 

Making all due allowance, however, for such professional flourishes, 
this very Desirable Investment deviated in its features even more than 
usual from its portrait in the prospectus. 

The Villa turned out to be little better than an ornamented Barn, 
and the Promised land was some of the worst land in England, and 
overflowed occasionally by the neighbouring river. An Optimist could 
hardly have discovered a single merit on the estate ; but he did ; for 




HUTER AND CELLAR.— LIGHT WIHE. 



whilst I was gazing in blank disappointment at the uncultivated nature 
before me, not even studded with rooks, I heard his familiar voice at 
my elbow — 

" Eather a small property, sir— but amply secured by ten solid miles 
of Terra Firma from the encroachments of the German Ocean." 

"And if the sea could," I retorted, "it seems to me very doubtful 
whether it would care to enter on the premises." 

"Perhaps not as a matter of marine taste," said the Optimist. "Per- 
haps not, sir. And yet, in my pensive moments, I have fancied that a 
place like this with a sombre interest about it, would be a desirable sort 
of Wilderness, and more in unison with an II Penseroso cast of feelings 



THE HArriEST MAN IN ENOLAKD. 349 

than the hiughing beauties of a Villa in the Eegent's Park, the Cyno- 
sure of Fashion and Gaiety, enlivened by an infinity of equipages. But 
excuse me, sir, I perceive that I am wanted elsewhere," and the florid 
gentleman went off at a trot towards a little man in black, who was 
beckoning to him from the door of the Swiss Villa. 

" Yes," was my reflection as he turned away from me, " if he can find 
in such a swamp as this a Fancy Wilderness, a sort of Shenstonian 
Solitude for a sentimental fit to evaporate in, he must certainly be the 
Happiest Man in England." 

As to His pensive moments, the mere idea of them sufliced to set my 
risible muscles in a quiver. But as if to prove how he would have 
comported himself in the Slough of Despond, during a subsequent 
ramble of exploration round the estate, he actually plumped up to his 
middle in a bog ; — an accident which only drew from him the remark 
that the place afforded " a capital opportunity for a spirited proprietor 
to establish a Splendid Mud Bath, like the ones so much in vogue at 
the German Spas ! " 

" If that gentleman takes a fancy to the place," I remarked to the 
person who was showing me round the property, " he will be a deter- 
mined bidder." 

"Him bid!" exclaimed the man, with an accent of the utmost 
astonishment — " Him bid ! — why he's the Auctioneer that's to sell us ! 
I thought you would have remarked that in his speech, for he imitates 
in his talk the advertisements of the famous Mr. Eobins. He's called 
the Old Gentleman." 

" Old ! why he appears to be in the prime of life." 

" Yes, sir, — but it's the other Old Gentleman — " 

" What ! the Devil ? " 

"Yes, sir, — because you see, he's always a-knocking d,oivn of some- 
body's little Paradise." 




pfiRE LA CHAISE. 



350 




" ALL ROtTNP MY HAT ! " 



AN UNDEETAKEE 

Js an 111 wilier to tlie Human Race. He is by Profession an Enemy 
to his Species, and can no more look kindly at his Fellows than the 
Sheriff's Officer ; for why, his Profit begins with an Arrest for the Debt 
of Nature. As the Bailiff looks on a failing Man so doth he, and with 
the same Hope, namely, to take the Body. 

Hence hath he little Sympathy with his Kind, small Pity for the 
Poor, and least of all for the Widow and the Orphan, whom he regards, 
Planter like, but as so many Blacks on his Estate. If he have any 
Community of Feeling, it is with the Sexton, who has likewise a Per 
Centage on the Bills of Mortality, and never sees a Picture of Health 
but he longs to ingrave it. Both have the same quick Ear for a 
Churchyard Cough, and both the same Relish for the same ]\Iusic, to 
wit, the Toll of Saint Sepulchre. Moreover both go constantly in 
black — howbeit 'tis no Mourning Suit but a Livery — for lie grieves no 
more for the Defunct than the Bird of the same Plumage, that is the 
Undertaker to a dead Horse. 

As a Neighbour he is to be shunned. To live opposite to him is to 
fall under the Evil Eye. Like the Witch that forespeaks other Cattle, 
he would rot you as soon as look at you, if it could be done at a Glance ; 
but that Magic being out of Date, he contents himself with choosing the 
very Spot on the House Front that shall serve for a Hatchment, 
Thenceforward he watches your going out and your coming in : your 
rising up and your lying down, and all your Domestic Imports of Drink 
and Victual, so that the veriest She Gossip in the Parish is not more 
familiar with your Modes and Means of Living, nor knows so certainly 
whether the Visitor, that calls daily in his Chariot, is a mere Friend or 



AN UNDERTAKER, 



35) 



a Physician. Also he knows your Age to a Year, and vouv Height to 
an Inch, for he hath measured you with his Eye for a Coffin, and your 
Ponderosity to a Pound, for he hath an Interest in the Dead Weight, 
and hath so far inquired into your Fortune as to guess with what 
Equipage you shall travel on your last Journey. For. in professional 
Curiosity, he is truly a Pall Pry. Wherefore to dwell near him is as 
melancholy as to live in view of a Churchyard ; to be within Sound of 
his Hammering is to hear the Knocking at Death's Door. 

To be friends with an Undertaker is as impossible as to be the Crony 
of a Crocodile. He is by Trade a Hypocrite, and deals of Necessity in 
Mental Eeservations and 
Equivoques. Thus he 
drinks to your good 
tiealth, but hopes, se- 
cretly, it will not endure. 
He is glad to find you 
so hearty — as to be Apo- 
plectic ; and rejoices to 
see you so stout — with 
a short Neck. He bids 
you beware of your old 
Gout — and recommends 
a Quack Doctor. He la- 
ments the malignant 
Fever so prevalent — and 
wishes you may get it. 
He compliments your 
Complexion — when it is 
Blue or Yellow : admires 
your upright Carriage, — 
and hopes it will break 
down. Wishes you good 
Day, but means everlast- 
ing Night ; and com- 
mends his Eespects to your Father and Mother — but hopes you do 
not honour them. In short, his good Wishes are treacherous ; his 
Inquiries are suspicious ; and his Civilities are dangerous ; as when he 
proffereth the Use of his Coach — or to see you Home. 

For the rest, he is still at odds with Humanity ; at constant Issue 
with its Naturalists, and its Philanthropists, its Sages, its Counsellors, 
and its Legislators. For example, he praises the Weather — with the 
Wind at East ; and rejoices in a wet Spring and Fall, for Death and he 
reap with one Sickle, and have a good or bad Harvest in common. He 
objects not to Bones in Bread (being as it were his own Diet), nor to ill 
Drugs in Beer, nor to Sugar of Lead or arsenical Finings in Wine, 
nor to ardent Spirits, nor to Interment in Churches. Neither doth he 
discountenance the Sitting on Infants ; nor the swallowing of Plum 
Stones ; nor of cold Ices at Hot balls — nor the drinking of Embro 




A MAGNUM EONUai. 



852 



AN UNDERTAKEn. 



cations, nay he bath been known to contend that the wrong Dose was 
the riaht one. He approves, contra the Physicians, of a damp Bed and 

wet Feet, — of a hot Head and 
cold Extremities, and lends 
bis own Countenance to the 
Natural Small Pox, rather 
than encourage Vaccination — 
which he calls flying in the 
Face of Providence. Add to 
these, a free Trade in Poisons, 
whereby the Oxalic Crystals 
may currently become Proxy 
for the Epsom ones; and the 
corrosive Sublimate as common 
as Salt in Porridge. To the 
same End he would give unto 
every Cockney a Privilege to 
shoot, within ten miles round 
London, without a Taxed Li-' 
cence, and would never concur in a Fine or Deodand for Fast Driving, 
except the Vehicle were a Hearse. Thus, whatever the popular Cry, 
he runs counter : a Heretic in Opinion, and a Hypocrite in Practice, 
as when he pretends to be sorrowful at a Funeral ; or, what is worse, 
affects to pity the ill-paid Poor, and yet helpeth to screw them down. 

To conclude, he is a Personage of ill presage to the House of Life : 
a Kaven on the Chimney Pot — a Deathwatch in the Wainscot, — a 
Winding Sheet in the Candle. To meet with him is ominous. His 
Looks are sinister ; his Dress is lugubrious ; his Speech is prophetic ; 
and his Touch is mortal. Nevertheless he hath one Merit, and in this 
our World, and in these our Times, it is a main one ; namely, that 
whatever he Undertakes he Performs. 




SHEER PRETENSION. 




la TfTAT noOEHSS LAST, Oit VOUU OWN ?" 



S53 



A FIRST ATTEMPT IN EHYME. 



" The attempt and not the deed."— Labt MiOEEin. 



A FEW days since it happened to ine to loolc into a Lady's Album- 
one of those pretty nuisances which are sent to one hke the Tax- 
gatherer's Schedules, with a blank or two for the victim to fill up 
The Book was of the 
usual kind ; superbly 
bound of course, and 
filled with paper of vari- 
ous tints and shades, to 
suit the taste of the con- 
tributors : — baiting, one 
might fancy, with a bluish 
tinge for Lady Chatter- 
ton, with a light green for 
Mrs. Hall, or Miss Mit- 
ford and with a French 
White for Miss Costello 
— for Moore with a flesh 
colour, with gray for the 
Bard of Memory, and 
with rose colour for the 
Poet of Hope — with stone 
colour for Allan Cunning- 
ham, with straw colour for 
the Corn Law Rhymer, 
with drab and slate for 

Bernard Barton and the Hewitts, and with a sulphur tint for Satan 
Montgomery. The copper colour being perhaps, aimed at the artists in 
general, who are partial to the warmth of its tone. 

As yet, however, but few of our " celebrated pens " and pencils had 
enriched or ornamented the volume. The literary offerings were short 
and few ; and the pictorial ones were still more rare. Thus between 
the Mendicant begging for Scraps in the Frontispiece, and a water- 
coloured branch of Fuchsia, there were no less than eighteen blank 
leaves: twenty-two more from the flower to the Group of Shells — if 
they were shells — for they looked more like petrifactions of a cracknel, 
a French roll, and a twist— and fifteen barren pages from the Con- 
chology to the great Parrot — which, by the bye, seemed purposely to 
have been put into the same livery as the lady's footman, namely, a 
peagreen coat, with crimson smalls. There was only one more drawing ; 
a view of some Dutch place, done in Sepia, and which some wag had 
named in pencil as " a Piece of Brown Holland." 

The prose and verse were of the ordinary character : Extracts 

SECOND SERIES. A A 




FROM THE ZOOLOGICAL OAaDENB. 



354, A FIRST ATl'EMPI IN BIIYME 

from Byron, Wordsworth, and Mrs. Hemans ; a Parody of an Irish 
Melody, an Unpublished Ballad, attributed to Sir "Walter Scott, and 
sundry original effusions, including a Sonnet of sixteen lines, to an 
Infant. There were also two specimens of what is called Religious 
Poetry — the one working up a Sprig of Thyme into an " eternity ! " 
and the other setting out as jauntily as a Song, but ending in a " him.'' 

In glancing over these effusions, it was my good fortune to be 
attracted to some verses by a certain singularity in their construction, 
the nature of which it required a second perusal to determine. Indeed, 
the peculiarity was so unobtrusive, that it had escaped the notice of the 
owner of the Album, who had even designated the lines in question as 
"nothing particular." They were, she said, as the title implied, the 
first attempt in rhyme, by a female friend ; and who, to judge from her 
manner and expressions, with respect to her maiden essay, had certainly 
not been aware of any thing extraordinary in her performance. On the 
contrary, she had apologised for the homely and commonplace character 
of the lines, and had promised, if she ever improved in her poetry, to 
contribute another and a better sample. A pledge which Death, alas ! 
had forbidden her to redeem. 

As a Literary Curiosity, the Proprietress of the original Poem has 
kindly allowed me to copy and present it to the Public. Instead of a 
mere commonplace composition, the careful Header will perceive that 
whilst aiming at, and so singularly missing, what Garrick called " the 
jingle of verse," the Authoress has actually invented a New Species of 
Poetry — an intermediate link, as it were, between Blank Verse and 
Rhyme, and as such likely to be equally acceptable to the admirers of 
Thomson and the lovers of Shenstone. 



COPY 

If I were used to writing veree, Dra\vu over Tempe's tuneful vale. 

And had a Muse not so perverse, In classic lays remembered long — 

But prompt at Fancy's call to spring Such flights to bolder wings belong ; 

And carol like a bird in Spring ; To Bards who on that glorious height 

Or like a Bee, in summer time, Of sun and song, Parnassus hight, 

That hums about a bed of thyme, Partake the fire divine that burns, ) 

And gathers honey and delights In MUton, Pope, and Scottish Burns, \ 

From ev'ry blossom where it 'lights ; Who sang his native braes and burns. ) 
If I, alas ! had such a Muse, 

To touch the Reader or amuse. For me, a novice strange and new, 

And breathe the true poetic veiu, Who ne'er such inspiration knew. 
This page should not be fill'd in vain ! But weave a verse with travail sore, 

But ah ! the pow'r was never mine Ordain'd to creep and not to soar, 

To dig for gems in Fancy's mine : A few poor lines alone I write. 

Or wander over land and main Fullilling thus a friendly rite. 

To seek the Fairies' old domain— Not meant to meet the Critic's eye, 

To watch Apollo while he climbs For oh ! to hope from such as I, 

His throne in oriental climes ; For any thing that's fit to read. 

Or mark the " gradual dusky veil " Were trusting to a broken reed I 

^stnfJprH, ISIO. E, M! 0. 



855 




HOHSE AND FOOT. 



HOESE AND FOOT. 



" Fain would I cUmbe 
But that I fear to fall." — SiK Walter Raleioh. 



It requires some degree of moral courage to make such a confession, 
for a horse-laugh will assuredly take place at my expense, but I never 
could sit on anything with four legs, except a chair, a table or a sofa, 
Possibly my birthplace was adverse, not being raised in Yorkshire, with 
its three Hidings — perhaps my education was in fault, for of course I 
was put to my feet like other children, but I do not remember being 
ever properly taken off them in the riding-school. It is not unlikely 
that my passion for sailing has been inimical to the accomplishment ; 
there is a roll about a vessel so different from the pitch of a horse, that 
a person accustomed to a fore and aft sea-saw, or side lurch, is utterly 
disconcerted by a regular up-and-dowu motion — at any rate, seamen are 
notorious for riding at anchor better than at anything else. Finally, 
the Turk's principle, Predestination, may be accountable for my 
inaptitude. One man is evidently bom under what Milton calls a 
" mounted sign,'' whilst another comes into the world under the 
influence of Aries, predoomed to perform on no saddle but one of 
mutton. Thus we see one gentleman who can hardly keep his seat 
upon a pony, or a donkey ; when another shall turn and wind a fiery 
Pegasus, or back a Bucephalus; to say nothing of those professional 
equestrians, who tumble on a horse instead of ojf. It has always 

A A 2 



300 



I30ESE AND TOOT. 



seemed to me, therefore, tbiit our Astleys and Duorows, whether they 
realised fortunes or not, deserved to do so, besides obtaining more 
honorary rewards. It would not, perhaps, have been out of character, 
if they had been make Knights of, or Cavaliers ; especially considering 
that many Mayors, Aldermen, and Sheriffs have been so dubbed, whose 
pretensions never stood on more than two legs, and sometimes scarcely 

on one. 

The truth is, I have always regarded horsemen with something of 
the veneration with which the savages beheld, for the first time, the 
Spanish chivalry— namely, as superior beings. With all respect then 
to our gallant Infantry, I have always looked on our Cavalry as a grade 
above them— indeed, the feat of Widdrington, who " fought upon his 
stumps," and so far, on his own legs, has always appeared to me com- 
paratively easy, whereas for a charge of cavalry, 

Charge, Chester, charge. 
Off, Stanley, off, 

has always seemed to me the most natural reading. 

The chase of course excites my admiration and wonder, and like 
Lord Chesterfield I unfeignedly marvel — but for a different reason — 

that any gentleman 
ever goes to it a 
second time. A 
chapter of Nimrod's 
invariably gives me 
a crick in the neck. 
I can well believe 
that " it is the pace 
that kills," but why 
rational beings with 
that conviction 
should ride to be 
killed exceeds my 
comprehension. For 
my own part could 
such a pace ever 
come into fashion, 
it would be suicidal 
in me to attempt to 
hunt at a trot, or 
even in a walk. Eide and tie, perhaps, if, as I suppose, it means one's 
being tied on — but no, my evil genius would evade even that security. 

Above all, but for certain visits to Epsom and Ascot I should have 
set down horse-racing as a pleasant fiction. That Buckle, without 
being buckled on, should have reached the age he attained to — or that 
Day should have had so long a day — are to my mind " remarkable 
instances of longevity '' far more wonderful than any recorded in the 
newspapers How a jockey can bestride, and what is more, start with 




TIIE MA.STER OB* THE HOasB. 



HOESE AKD FOOT. 



357 



lOne of those thorougb-bred steeds, is to me a standing, or rather running, 
or rather flying miracle. Were I a Kobinson or a Kogers, I should 
certainly think of the plate as a cof&n-plate, and that the stakes were 
teuch as those that were formerly driven through self-murderers' bodies. 
It would appear, then, that a rider like a poet, must be born and not 
made — that there are two races of men as differently fated as the silver- 
spooned and the wooden-ladled — some coming into the world, so to 
speak, at Byde, others, like myself, at Footscray, and thus by 
necessity, e(juestrians or pedestrians. In fact, to corroborate this 
theory, there is the Championship, which being hereditary, is at least 
one instance of a gentleman being ordained to horseback from his birth. 
As to me, instead of retrograding through Westminster Hall on Cato, 
I must have backed out of the office. 

It is probable, however, that beside the causes already enumerated, 
something of my inaptitude may be due to my profession. It has been 
remarked elsewhere as to 
riding, that " sedentary 
persons seldom have a 
good seat," and literary 
men generally appear to 
have been on a par, as to 
Horsemanship, with the 
Bailors. The Author of 
" Paul Pry," in an ex- 
tremely amusing paper,* 
has recorded his own 
quadrupedal mischances. 

Coleridge, for a similar 
or a still greater incapa- 
city, was discharged from 
a dragoon regiment. 
Lamb avowedly never 
went " horse-pickaback" in 
his life. Byron, for all his 
ambition to be thought a 
bold cavalier, and in spite 
of his own hints on the 
subject, appears to have 

been but an indifferent performer— and Sir Walter Scott, as we 
read in his life, tumbled from his galloway, and Sir Humphrey Davy 
jumped over him. Even Shakspeare, as far as we have any account of 
his knowledge of horses, never got beyond holding them. Lord 
Chesterfield has described Doctor Johnson's appearance in the saddle ; 
but the catalogue would be too tedious. Suffice it, if riding be the 
" poetry of motion," authors excel rather in its prose. 

To affirm, however, that I never ventured on the quadruped in 




FAST AND LOOSE. 



* A Cockney's Rural Sports. 



358 



IIOBSB AND FOOT. 



nuestion would be beside the truth, having a dim notion of once getting 
astrJe a Shetland pony in my boyhood, but how or where it carried me. 
or how I sat, if I did sit on it for any distance, is m bknk, having been 
Iked up insensible within twenty yards of the door. I have a distinct 
Wlection however of mounting a full-grown mahogany-coloured 
^'^^ animal of the same 

genus, after coming to 
man's estate, v?hich I 
may be pardoned for 
relating, as it was my 
only performance of the 
kind. 

It was during my first 
unfortunate courtship, 
when I had the brief 
happiness of three weeks' 
visit at the residence 
of the lady's father in 
the county of Suffolk. 
I had made considerable 
progress, I flattered my- 
self, in the affections of 
his " eldest daughter," 
when, alas ! a letter ar- 
rived from London, 
which summoned me on 
urgent business to the 

" TAKNATION !— HE'S LEFT HIS SHAJJOW BEHIND HIM ! " metrOpollS. Ther© WftS 

no neat postchaise to 
be procured in the neighbourhood, nor indeed any other vehicle on 
account of the election ; and my host kindly pressed upon me the use 
of one of his saddle-horses to carry me to the next market-town, where 
I should meet the mail. The urgency of the case induced me to accede 
to the proposal, and with feelings that all lovers will duly estimate, I 
took leave of my adored Honoria. 

She evidently felt the parting — we might not meet again for an age, 
or even two or three ages, alias weeks, and to be candid, I fully partici- 
pated in her feelings of anxiety, and something more, considering the 
perilous nature of the expedition. But the Horse came, and the last 
adieus — no, not the last, for the animal having merely taken me an 
airing, across a country of his own choosing, at last brought me back of 
liis own head, for I was unable to direct it, safe to the house, or rather 
to the door of his own stable. At the time, despite some over-severe 
raillery, I rather enjoyed the untoward event ; but on mature reflection, 
I have since found reason to believe that the change which afterwards 
took place in the young lady's sentiments towards me, was greatly 
attributable to my equestrian failure. The popular novel of " Rob 
Koy " made its appearance soon afterwards, and along with a certainly 




IIOESE AND FOOT. 35 9 

over- fervent admiration, of its heroine, Di Veruon, a notable liorse- 
womap, it is not improbable that Honoria imbibed something of an oppo- 
site feeling towards her humble servant -who was only a Foot-Man. 

Since then, I have contrived to get married, to a lady of a more 
pedestrian taste ; an escape from celibacy that might have been more 
difficult had my bachelorship endured till a reign when the example of 
the Sovereign has made riding so fashionable an exercise with the fair 
sex. Indeed, I have invariably found that every female but one whom 
I might have liked or loved, was a capital horsewoman. How other 
timid or inapt gentlemen are to procure matrimonial partners, is a 
problem that remains to be solved. They must seek companions, as 
W. says, in the humbler walks of life. Poor W. ! He was deeply, 
devotedly attached to a young lady of family and fortune, to whom he 
was not altogether indifferent, but he could not ride out with her on 
horseback, and the captain could, which determined her choice. The 
rejected lover has had a twist in his brain and a warp in his temper ever 
since : but his bitterness, instead of falling on the sex as usual, has 
settled on the whole equine race. He hates them all, from the steed of 
sixteen hands high down to the Shetland pony, and insists, against Mr. 
Thomas, and his Brutally-Humane Society, that horses are never ill- 
used. There^is a " bit of raw " in his own bosom that has made him 
regard their galled withers with indifference : a sore at his heart which 
has made him callous to their sufferings. They deserve all they get 
The Dog is man's best friend, he says, and the Horse his worst. 

Smce writing the above, word has been brought to me that poor W. 
is no more. He deceased suddenly, and the report says, of apoplexy ; 
but I know better. His death was caused, indeed, by a full habit— hut 
it was a blue one. 




• A mah'3 a jiax roB a' that.' 



360 




CUT AND COilE AGAIN. 



THE CAPTAIN'S COW. 

A NAtmCAT. nOlIANCE. 



' ' Water, water everywhere, 
But not a drop to drink." — Coleridge. 



It is a jolly Mariner 

As ever knew the billows' stir, 

Or battled with, the gale ; 
His face is brown, his hair is black. 
And down his broad gigantic back 

There hangs a platted tail. 

In clusters, as he rolls along. 

His tarry mates around him throng, 

"VVho know his budget well ; 
Betwixt Canton and Trinidad 
No Sea-Eomanoer ever had 

Such wondrous tales to tell 1 

Against the mast he leans a-slope, 
And thence upon a coil of rope 

Slides down, his pitchy " starn ; '' 
Heaves up a lusty hem or two, 
And then at once without ado 

Begins to spin his yarn ; — 



" As from Jamaica we did come, 
Laden with sugar, fruit, and rum, 

It blew a heavy gale : 
A storm that scar'd the oldest men 
For three long days and nights, and 
then 

The wind began to faU. 

" Still less and less, till on the mast 
The sails began to flap at last, 

The breezes blew so soft ; 
Just only now and then a puflT, 
Till soon there was not wind enough 

To stir the vane aloft. 

" No, not a oat's paw anywhere : 
Hold up your finger in the air 

You couldn't feel a breath ; 
For why, in yonder storm that burst, 
The wind that blew so hard at first 

Had blown itself to death. 



THE captain's cow. 



361 



" No cloud aloft to throw a shade ; 
So distant breezy ripple made 

The ocean dark below. 
No cheering sign of any kind ; 
The more we whistled for the wind 

The more it did not blow. 

" The hands were idle, one and all ; 
No sail to reef against a squall ; 

No wheel, no steering now ! 
Nothing to do for man or mate. 
But chew their cuds and ruminate, 

Just Hke the Captain's Cow. 

" Day after day, day after day, 
Beoalm'd the Jolly Planter lay, 

As if she had been moor'd ; 
The sea below, the sky a-top 
Fierce blazing down, and not a drop 

Of water left aboard ! 

" Day after day, day after day, 
Becalm'd the Jolly Planter lay, 

As still as any log ; 
The parching seamen stood about, 
Each with his tongue a-loUing out. 
And panting like a dog — 

" A dog half mad with summer 

beat 
And running up and down the street, 

By thirst quite overcome ; 
And not a drop in all the ship 
To moisten cracking tongue and lip. 

Except Jamaica rum ! 

" The very poultry in the coop 
Began to pine away and droop — 

'1 he cock was first to go ! 
And glad we were on all our parts. 
He used to damp our very hearts 

With such a ropy crow. 

" But worst it was, we did allow, 
To look upon the Captain's Cow, 

That daily seem'd to shrink : 
Deprived of water, hard or soft, 
For, though we tried her oft and oft, 

The brine she wouldn't drink ; 

" But only tum'd her bloodshot eye, 
And muzzle up towards the sky. 

And gave a moan of pain, 
A sort of hollow moan and sad, 
As if some brutish thought she had 

To pray to heav'n for rain ; 



"And sometimes with a steadfast 

stare 
Eept looking at the empty air, 

As if she saw, beyond. 
Some meadow in her native land, 
Wliere formerly she used to stand 

A-cooling in the pond, 

" If I had only had a drink 
Of water then, I almost think 

She would have had the half; 
But as for John the Carpenter, 
He couldn't more have pitied her 

If he had been her calf. 

" So soft of heart he was and kind 
To any creature lame, or blind. 

Unfortunate, or dumb : 
Whereby he made a sort of vow, 
In sympathising with the Cow, 

To give her half his rum ; — 

" An oath from which he never 

swerv'd, 
For surely as the rum was serv'd 

He shared the cheering dram ; 
And kindly gave one half at least. 
Or more, to the complaining beast, 

Who took it like a lamb. 

" At last with overclouding skies 
A breeze again began to rise. 

That stiffen' d to a gale : 
Steady, steady, and strong it blew; 
And were not we a joyous crew. 
As on the Jolly Planter flew 

Beneath a press of sail ! 

" Swiftly the JoUy Planter flew. 
And were not we a joyous crew, 

At last to sight the land ! 
A glee there was on every brow. 
That like a Christian soul the Cow 

Appear'd to understand. 

"And was not she, a mad-like thing 
To land again and taste the spring. 

Instead of fiery glass : 
About the verdant meads to scour, 
And snuff the honey'd cowslip flower, 

And crop the juicy grass ! 

" Whereby she grew as plump and 

hale 
As any beast that wears a tail, 

Her skin as sleek as silk ; 
And through allpartsof England now 
Is grown a very famous Cow, 

By giving Rum-and-Milk ! " 



S62 




BILLS OF MORTALITY. 



ME. WITHERING'S CONSUMPTION, AND 
ITS CURE. 

A DOMESTIC EXTKAVAGANZA. 



' Come away, come away, deatb, 
And in sad cypress let me te laid ; 
Fly away, fly away, breath ; 

I am slain by a fair cruel maid . 
My shroud of white, all stuck with yew. 

Oh, prepare it ! " — Twelfth Kigiit. 



CHAPTER I. 

'' And who was Mr. Withering ? " 

Mr. Withering, Gentle Reader, was a drj'salter of Dowgate-hill. 
Not that he dealt in salt, dry or wet — or, as you might dream, iu dry 
salt stockfish, ling, and Findon haddies, like the salesmen in Thames- 
street. The commodities in which he trafficked, wholesale, were chiefly 
drugs, and dyewoods, a business whereby he had managed to accumulato 
a moderate fortune. His character was unblemished, — ^his habits 
regular and domestic, — but although advanced in years beyond the 
middle age, he was still a bachelor. 

" And consumptive ? Why then according to Dr. Imray's book, he 
had hair of a light colour, large blue eyes, long eyelashes, white and 



MR, WITHERING S CONSUMPTION, AND ITS CnRE. 



363 



regular teeth, long fingers with the nails contracted or curved, a slender 
figure, and a fair and blooming countenance." 

Not exactly, miss. Mr. Withering was rather dark — 
" Oh yes— as the doctor says, the tuberculous constitution is not con- 
fined to persons of sanguineous temperaments and fair complexion. It 
also belongs to those of 



a very different appear 
ance. The subjects of 
this affection are often 
of a swarthy and dark 
complexion, with coarse 
sldn, dark hair, long 
dark eyelashes, black 
eyes, thick upper lip, 
short fingers, broad nails, 
and a more robust habit 
of body, with duller in- 
tellect, and a careless or 
less active disposition." 

Nay, that is still not 
Mr. Withering. To tell 
the truth, he was not at 
all like a consumptive 
subject : — not pigeon- 
breasted, but broad 
chested — not emaciated, 
but plump as a partridge 
— not hectic in colour, 
but as healthily ruddy 
as a redstreak apple — not languid, but as brisk as a bee, — in short, 
a comfortable little gentleman, of the Pickwick class, something, 
perhaps, quizzical, but nothing phthisical in his appearance. 
" Why, then, what was the matter with the man ? " 
A decline, madam. Not the rapid decay of nature, so called, but one 
of those declines which an unfortunate lover has sometimes to endure 
from the lips of a cruel beauty ; for Mr. Withering, though a steady, 
plodding man of business, in his warehouse or counting-house, was, in 
his parlour or study, a rather romantic and sensitive creature, with 
a strong turn for the sentimental, which had been nourished by his 
course of reading — chiefly in the poets, and especially such as dealt in 
Love Elegies, like his favourite Hammond. Not to forget Shenstone, 
whom, in common with many readers of his standing, he regarded as a very 
nightingale of sweetness and pathos in expressing the tender passion. 
Nay, he even ventured occasionally to clothe his own amatory sentiments 
in verse, and in sundry poems painted his torments by flames and darts, 
and other instruments of cruelty, so shockingly, that, but for certain 
allegorical touches, he might have been thouglit to be describing the 
ingenious torture of some poor white captive by a red Indian squaw. 




PREDESTINATION. 



36i MB. WITHERINa'S CONSUMPTION, AND ITS CUKE. 

But alas ! his poetry, original or borrowed, was of uo more avail than 
his plain prose against that petrifaction which he addressed as a heart 
in the bosom of Miss Puokle. He might as well have tried to move a 1 
Flintshire by a geological essay ; or have picked his way with a toothpick 
into a Fossil Saurian. The obdurate lady had a soul above trade, and 
the offer of the drysalter and lover, with his dying materials in either 
line, was met by what is called aflat refusal, though it sounded, rather, 
as if set in a sharp. 

Now in such cases, it is usual for the Eejected One to go into some- 
thing or other, the nature of which de- 
pends on the temperament and circum- 
stances of the individual, and I will give 
you six guesses, Geutle Eeader, as to what 
it was that Mr. Withering went into when 
he was refused by Miss Puckle. 
"Into mourning? " 
No. 

" Into a tantrum ? " 
No. 

" Into the Serpentine ? " 
No — nor into the Thames, to sleep in 
peace in Bugsby's Hole. 
" Into the Army or Navy ? " 
No. 

" Into a madhouse ? " 
No. 

"Into a Hermitage?" 
No — nor into a Monastery. , 
The truth is, he opportunely remembered that his father's great aunt, 
Dinah, after a disappointment in love, was carried off by Phthisis 
Pulmonalis ; and as the disease is hereditary, he felt, morally as well as 
physically and grammatically, that he must, would, could, should, and 
ought to go like a true Withering into a Consumption, 
"And did he, sir?" 

He did, miss ; — and so resolutely, that he sold off his business, at a 
sacrifice, and retired, in order to devote the rest of his life to dying for 
Amanda — alias Miss Susan Puckle. And a long job it promised to be, 
for he gloried in dying very hard, and in pining for her, which of course 
is not to be done in a day. And truly, instead of a lover's going off, at 
a pop, like Werter, it must be much more satisfactory to a cruel 
Beauty, to see her victim deliberately expiring by inches, like a Dolphin, 
and dying of as many hues, — now crimson with indignation, then looking 
blue with despondence, anon yellow with jaundice, or green with 
jealousy — at last fading into a melancholy mud-colour, and thence 
darkening into the black tinge of despair and death. It is said, indeed, 
that when the cruel Miss Puckle was informed of his dying for her, 
she exclaimed, " Oh ! I hope he will let me crimp him first, — like a 
skate ! '' 




tOOKINQ DP TO THE OVERSEEIl. 



MR. WITHERING S CONSUMrTION, AND ITS CUftlC, 



365 



CHAPTER IT. 

" But did Mr. Withering actually go into a consumption ? " 

As certainly, miss, as a passenger steps of his own accord into an 
omnibus that is going to Gravesend. He had been refused, and had a 
strong ■ sentimental impression that all the Rejected and Forsaken 
Martyrs of true love were carried ofif sooner or later, by the same 
insidious disease. Accordingly his first step was to remove from the 
too keen air of Penton- 
ville, to the milder cli- 
mate of Brompton, 
where he took a small 
detached house, adapted 
to the state of single 
unblessedness, to which 
he was condemned. For 
vfith aU his conviction 
of the propriety, or ne- 
cessity of the catas- 
trophe, his dying for 
love did not involve a 
love for dying; he might 
soon have to breathe 
his last, but it should 
be of a fine air. 

His establishment 
consisted but of two 
female servants ; name- 
ly, a housemaid, and a 
middle-aged woman, at 
once cook, housekeeper, 
and nurse, who profess- 
edly belonged to a con- 
sumptive family, and therefore knew what was good or bad, or neither, 
for all pulmonary complaints. Her name was Button. 

She was tall, large-boned, and hard-featured ; with a loud voice, a 
stern eye, and the decided manner of a military sergeant — a personage 
adapted, and in fact accustomed, to rule much more refractory patients 
than her master. It did not indeed require much persuasion to induce 
him to take to wear "flannin next his skin," or woollen comforters 
round his throat and wrists, or even a hareskin on his chest in an east 
wind. He was easily led to adopt cork soles and clogs against wet, and 
a great-coat in cold weather — nay, he was even out-talked into putting 
his jaw into one of those hideous contrivances called Respirators. But 
this was nothing. He was absolutely compelled to give up all animal 
food and fermented liquors — to renounce successively his joint, his 
steak, his chop, his chicken, his calves' feet, his drop of brandy, his gin- 




' WELL, THIS 13 A SIQU MOVE I '* 



360 



jiH. witherikg's consumption, and its cure 



aud-water, bis glass of wine, his bottled porter, his draught ditto, and 
his ale down to that bitter pale sort, that he used to call his Bass relief. 
No, he was not even allowed to taste the table-beer. He had promised 
to be consumptive, and Mrs. Button took him at his word. As much 
light pudding, sago, arrow-root, tapioca — or gruel — ^with toast-and- 
water, barley-water, whey, or apple-tea, as often as he pleased — but as 
to meat or " stimuluses," she would as soon give him " Alick's Acid, or 
Corrosive Supplement." 

To this dietary dictation, the patient first demurred, but soon sub- 
mitted. Nothing is more fascinating or dangerous to a man just 
rejected by a female, than the show of kindness by another of the sex. 
It restores him to his self-love — nay, to his very self, — reverses the 
sentence of social excommunication just pronounced against him, and 
contradicts the moral annihilation implied in the phrase of being 
" nothing to nobody." A secret well known to the sex, and which 
explains how so many unfortunate gentlemen, crossed in love, happen 
to marry the housemaid, the cook, or any land creature in petticoats — 
the first Sister of Charity, black, brown, or carrotty, who cares a cus — 

" Oh !— " 

— a custard for their appetite, or a comforter for their health. Even 
so with Mr. Withering. He had offered himself from the top of his 
Brutus to the sole of his shoe to Miss Puckle, who had plumply told 
him that he was not worth having as a gift. And yet, here — in the 
very depth of his humiliation, when he would hardly have ventured to 
bequeath his wretched body to an anatomical lectui'er — ^here was a 
female, not merely caring for his person in general, but for parts of it 
in particular — his poor throat and his precious chest, his delicate 
trachea, his irritable bronchial tubes, and his tender lungs. Neverthe- 
less, no onerous tax was imposed on his gratitude ; the only return 
required— and how could he refuse it! — was his taking a Temperance, 
or rather Total Abstinence Pledge for his own benefit. So he supped 
his semi-solids and swallowed his slops ; merely remarking on one 
occasion, after a rather rigorous course of barley-water, that if his con- 
sumption increased he thought he should " try Madeira," but wiiclher 
the island, or the wine, he left in doubt. 




JO— iFTER VACCINATION. 



MR WITHEEING S CONSUMPTION, AND ITS CURE. 



367 



CHAPTER III. 

In the meantime Mr. Withering continued as plump as a partridge, 
and as rosy as a redstreak apple. No symptoms of the imputed disease 
made their appearance. He slept well, ate well of sago, &c., drank well 
of barley-water and the like, and shook hands with a palm not quite so 
hard and dry as a dead Palm of the Desert. He had neither hectic 
flushes nor shortness of breath — nor yet pain in the chest, to which 
three several physicians in consultation applied their stethoscopes. 

Doctor A. — hearing nothing at all. 

Doctor B. — Nothing particular. 

Doctor C. — Nothing wrong. 

And Doctor E. distinctly hearing a oad-like voice, proclaiming " all 
right." 

Mr. Withering, nevertheless, was dying — if not of consumption, of 
ennui — the mental weariness of which he mistook for the physical las- 
situde so characteristic of the other disease. In spite, therefore, of the 
faculty, he clung to the poetical theory that he was a blighted drysalter, 
withering prematurely on his stem ; another victim of unrequited love, 
whom the utmost care could retain but a few short months from his 
cold grave. A conviction he expressed to posterity in a series of 
Petrarchian sonnets, and 
in plain prose to his 
housekeeper, who only 
insisted the more rigidly 
on what she called her 
" regimental rules " for 
his regimen, with the ap- 
propriate addition of Ice- 
land Moss. A recipe to 
which he quietly submit- 
ted, though obstinately 
rejecting another pre- 
scription of provincial 
origin — namely, snails 
beaten up with milk. In 
vain she told him from 
her own experience in 
Flanders, that they were 
reckoned not only nour- 
ishing but relishing by 
the Belgians, who after 
chopping them up with 
bread crumbs and sweet 

herbs, broiled them in the shells, in each of which a small hole was 
made, to enable the Flemish epicure to blow out the contents.* 

* The origin perhaps of the vulgar phrase, "a good blow out." 




PREPABlNa A nOT EED, 



Her 



3C8 



MB. WITIIEHIKG's CONSDMl'TJON, AND ITS CDEE. 



master decisively set his face against the experiment, alleging plausibly 
enough, that the operation of snails must be too slow for any galloping 
complaint. 

There 'was, however, one experiment, of which on his own recom- 
mendation Mr. Withering resolved to make a trial — change of air, of 
course involving change of scene. Accordingly, packing his best suit 
and a few changes of linen in his carpet-bag, he took an inside place 
in the Hastings coach, and was whirled down ere night to that favourite 
Cinque Port. And for the first fortnight, thanks to the bracing yet 
mild air of the place, which gave tone to his nerves, without injury to 
his chest, the result exceeded his most sanguine expectations. But 
alas ! he was doomed to a relapse, a revulsion so severe, that, in a more 
advanced stage of his complaint he ought to have " gone out like a snuff." 

" What, from wet feet, or a damp bed ?" 

No, madam — but from a promenade, with dry soles, on a bright day in 
June, and in a balmy air that would not have injured a lung of lawn- 
paper. 



CHAPTER IV 

Poor Mr. Withering ! 

Happy for him had he but walked in any other direction — up to the 
Castle or down to the beach — had he only bent his steps westward to 

Harlington or Bexhill, or 
eastward to Fairlight, — 
or to the Fish-ponds — 
but his sentimental bias 
would carry him towards 
Lovers' Seat, — and there 
— on the seat itself — he 
beheld his lost Amanda, 
or rather Miss Puckle, or 
still more properly, Mrs. 
Scrimgeour, who, with her 
bridegroom, had come to 
spend the honeymoon at 
green Hastings. The 
astounded drysalter stood 
aghast and agape at the 
unexpected encounter ; but 
the lady, cold and cutting 
as the East wind, vouch- 
safed no sign of recogni- 
tion. 
lovehs' 3E.VT. _ The effect of this meet- 

, . , TT ^ , '"8 ^^'^^ ^ "isw shock to 

his system. He felt, at the very moment, that ho had a hectic flush 
hot and cold fits, with palpitation of the heart.~ar:d his disease set in 




K3. yriTIIF.RlNG S CONSUMmON, AND ITS CUKE. 



809 



again with increased severitj-. Yes, be was a doomed man, and might 
at once betake himself to the last resource of the consumptive. 

" Not," be said, " not that all the ass's milk in England would ever 
lengthen bis years.'' 

Impressed with this conviction, and heartily disgusted with Hastings, 
he repacked his carpet-bag, and returned by the first coach to Londoti, 
fully convinced, whatever the pace of the Rocket, or the nature of the 
road, that be was going very fast, and all down bill. 



CHAPTER V 

It was about ten o'clock at night when Mr. Withering arrived at bis 
own residence in Brompton ; but although there was a light in the 
parlour, a considerable 
time elapsed before be 
could obtain admit- 
tance. 

At last, after re- 
peated kuockings and 
ringings, the street- 
door opened, and dis- 
closed Mrs. Button, 
who welcomed her mas- 
ter with an agitation 
which he attributed at 
once to bis unexpected 
return, and the marked 
change for the worse 
which of course was 
visible in bis face. 

" Yes, you may well 
be shocked — but hero, 
pay the coachman and 
shut the door, for I'm 
in a draught. You may 
well be shocked and 
alarmed, for I'm looking, I know, like death,— but bless me, Mrs. 
Button, the house smells very savoury ! " 

" It's the drains as you sniff, sir," said the Housekeeper ; " they 
always do smell strongish afore rain." 

"Yes, we shall have wet weather, I believe— and it may be the 
drains— though I never smelt anything in my life so like fried beef- 
steaks and onions ! " 

"Why, then, to tell the truth," said Mrs. Button, " it is_ beef and 
inguns ; it's a favourite dish of mine, and as you're forbid animal food, 
I thought I'd jest treat myself, in your absence so as not to tantalise 
you with the smell." 

SECOND SERIES. ^ ^ 




NO— IM LEFT.' 



370 



MB. IVITHEKIKG'S CONSDMPTION, AND ITS CURE. 



" Very good, Mrs. Button, and very considerate. Thougli with your 
lungs, I hardly approve of hot suppers. But there seems to me another 
smell about the house, — yes — most decidedly — the smell of tobacco." 

" Oh, that's the plants ! " exclaimed the Housekeeper — " the 
geranums that I've been smoking, — they were eaten up alive with 
green animalculuses." 

" Humph ! " said Mr. Withering, who, sniffing about like a spaniel, 
at last made a point at the Housekeeper herself. 

" It's very odd — very odd, indeed — but there is a sort of perfume 
about you, Mrs. Button — not exactly lavender or Eau de Cologne — but 
more like the smell of liquor." 

" Law, sir ! " exclaimed the Housekeeper, with a rather hysterical 
chuckle, " the sharp nose that you have surely ! Well, sure enough 
the tobacco-smoke did make me squeamish, and I sent out for a small 
quantity of arduous spirits just to settle my stomach. But never mind 
the luggage, sir, I'll see to that, while you go up to the drawing-room 
and the sofey, for you do look like death, and that's the truth." 

And suiting her actions to her words, she tried to hustle her master 
towards the staircase ; but his suspicions were now excited, and making 

a piglike dodge round 
his driver, he bolted 
into the parlour, 
where he beheld a 
spectacle that fully 
justified his mis- 
givings. 

" Lord ! what did 
he see, sir ? " 

Nothing horrible, 
madam ; only a cloth 
laid for supper, with 
plates, knives, and 
forks, and tumblers 
for two. At one end 
of the table stood a 
foaming quart-pot of porter; at the other a black bottle, labelled 
" Cream of the Valley," while in the middle was a large dish of smoking 
hot beefsteaks and onions. For a minute he wondered who was to be 
the second party at the feast, till, guided by a reflection in the looking- 
glass, he turned towards the parlour-door, behind which, bolt upright 
and motionless as waxwork, he saw a man, as the old song says, 

" Where nae man should he." 

" Heyday ! Mrs. Button, whom have we here ? " 

" If you please, sir," replied the abashed Housekeeper, " it's only a 
consumptious brother of mine, as is come up to London for physical 
advice." 

" Humph ! " said Mr. Withering, with a significant glance towards 




UNLICENSED VICTUALLERS. 



MH. WnHEEIKG S CONSUMPTION, AND ITS CCEE. 



371 



the table, " and I trust that in the mean time you have advised him to 
abstain, like your master, from animal food and stimulants." 

" Why you see, sir, begging your pardon," stammered Mrs. Button, 
" there's differences in constitutions. Some people requires more 
nourishing than others. Besides, there's two sorts of consumption." 

" Yes, so I see," retorted Mr. Withering ; " the one preys on your 
vitals and the other on your victuals." 

Just at this moment a scrap of paper on the carpet attracted his eye, 
and at the same time catching that of Mrs. Button, and both parties 
making an attempt together to pick it up, their heads came into violent 
collision. 

"It's only the last week's butcher's bill," said the Housekeeper, 
rubbing her forehead. 

" I see it is," said the master, rubbing the top of his head with one 
hand, whilst, with the bill in the other, he ran through the items, from 
beef to veal, and from veal to mutton, boggling especially at the joints 

" Why, zounds ! ma'am, your legs run very large ! " 

" My legs, sir ? " 

" Well, then, mine, as I pay for them. Here's one I see of eleven 
pounds, and another of ten and a half. I really think my two legs, 
cold one day and hashed the 
next, might have dined you 
through the week, without four 
pounds of my chops ! " 

" Your chops, sir ? " 

" Yes, my' chops, woman — 
and if I had not dropped in, 
you and your consumptive 
brother there would be supping 
on my steaks. You would eat 
me up alive ? " 

"You forget, sir," muttered 
the Housekeeper, " there's a 
nousemaid." 

" Forget the devil ! " bel- 
lowed Mr. Withering, fairly 
driven beyond his patience, and 
out of his temper by different 
provocatives ; for all this time 
the fried beef and onions, — one 
of the most savoury of dishes, 
— had been steaming under 
his nose, suggesting rather 
annoying comparisons between the fare before him and his own diet. 

" Yes, here have I been starving these two months on spoon victuals 
and slops, while my servants, my precious servants — confound them ! — 
were feasting on the fat of the land ! Yes, you, woman ! you— with your 
favourite dishes, — my fried steaks, and my boiled legs, and my broiled 

bb2 




JEWISH DISABILITIES.- — FXItST REMOVE. 



372 



A REFLECTrON ON NEW YEARS EVK. 



cliops, but forbidding me — me your master, — to dine even on my own 
kidneys, or my own sweetbread ! But if I'll be consumptive any longer 
I'll be " 

The last word of the sentence, innocent or profane, was lost in the 
loud slam of the street-door — for Mrs. Button's consumptive brother, 
disliking the turn of affairs, had quietly stolen out of the parlour, and 
made his escape from the house. 

" And did Mr. Withering observe his vow ? " 

Most religiously, madam. Indeed, after dismissing Mrs. Button 
with her " regimental rules," he went rather to the opposite extreme, 
and dined and supped so heartily on his legs and shoulders, his breast 
and ribs, his loins, his heart, and liver, and his calfs head, and more- 
over washed them down so freely with wine, beer, and strong waters, 
that there was far more danger of his going out with an Apoplexy than 
of his going into a Consumption. 




A FLEET OFF TUB MOTHER BANK. 



A REFLECTION ON NEW YEAR'S EVE 



" TiTOSE Evening Bells— those Evening Bells ! " 
How sweet they used to be, and dear ! 
When full of all that Hope foretells, 
Their voice proclaim'd the new-born Year ! 

But, ah ! much sadder now I feel, 
To hear that old melodious chime, 

Eecttlling only how a Peel 

Has tflx'd the comings-in of Time ! 



3T3 





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t "* "^ ^ " -"^ ^^^ 


^^ '"'' ^'<' ^ 


'"' -0-N^ '<^* V,V' ^k 


bbP" "^" i '■ -^ '' 


^i^-'""''^/ 


w^ /-}':^'7"7/ 


'^^^^^■y^^-'' ^V ^ 


^^^C X._/^ / ; r-.^^ 






' ' NOW FOR AN EFFECT 1 " 



A HARD CASE. 



' ' Who shall decide when doctors disagree ? 
'Tis with their judgments as their watches, none 
Go just alike, but each belieTes his own." — Pope, 



That Doctors differ, has become a common proverb; and truly, 
considering the peculiar disadvantages under which they labour, their 
variances are less wonders than matters of course. If any man works 
in the dark, like a mole, it is the Physician. He has continually, 
as it were, to divine the colour of a pig in a poke — or a cat in the bag. 
He is called in to a suspected trunk without the policeman's privilege of 
a search. He is expected to pass judgment on a physical tragedy going 
on in the house of life, without the critic's free admission to the 
performance. He is tasked to set to rights a disordered economy, 
without, as the Scotch say, going " hen" and must guess at riddles hard 
as Sampson's as to an animal with a honey-combed inside. In fact, 
every malady is an Enigma, and when the doctor gives you over, he 
" gives it up." 

A few weeks ago one of these puzzles, and a very intricate one, 
was proposed to the faculty at a metropolitan hospital. The disorder 
was desperate : the patient writhed and groaned in agony — but his 
ligliU as usual threw none on the subject. In the meantime the case 
made a noise, and medical men of all degrees and descriptions, 



374 



A HARD CASE 



maguetizers, homoeopathists, hydropathists, mad doctors, sane doctors, 
quack doctors, and even horse doctors, flocked to the ward, inspected the 
symptoms, and then debated and disputed on the nature of the disease. 
It was in the brain, the heart, the liver, the nerves, the muscles, the skin, 
the blood, the kidneys, the " globes of the lungs," " the momentum," 
" the pancras," " the capilaire vessels," and the " gutty sereny." Then 
for its nature : it was chronic, and acute, and intermittent, and non-con- 
tagious, and "ketching," and "inflammable," and " heredittary," and 
" eclectic," and Lord knows what besides. However, the discussion ended 
in a complete wrangle, and every doctor being mounted on his own 
theory, never was there such a scene since the Grand Combat of Hobby 
Horses at the end of Mr. Bayes's Rehearsal ! 

" It's in his stomach ! " finally shouted the House- Surgeon, — after the 
departing disputants, — " it's in his stomach ! " 

The poor patient, who in the interval had been listening between his 
groans, no sooner heard this decision, than his head seemed twitched by 
a spasm, that also produced a violent wink of the left eye. At the same 
time he beckoned to the surgeon. 

" You're all right. Doctor — as right as a trivet." 

"I know I am," said the surgeon, — "it's in your stomach." 

" It is in my stomach, sure enough.'' 

" Yes — flying gout — " 

" Flying what ! " exclaimed the patient. " No, no sich luck. Doctor," 
and he made a sign for the surgeon to put his ear near his lips, " it's six 
Hogs and a Bull, as I've swaller'd." 




DE LONATIOO IKCJOIETJIDO. 



375 




" CIRCUMSTANCES OVEK WHICH I HATE KO CONTROL." 



ENGLISH EETEOGEESSION. 



"Back her!" shouted the Captain, from the paddle-box of the 
Lively to the cabin-boy on the deck, who repeated the command to the 
engineer in the hold — and the paddles being reversed to order, the 
packet, with a retrograde motion, began to approach the pier, to which 
she was soon secured by a hawser. Her passage across the Channel 
had been a rough one : but as all passages come to an end at last, she 
had arrived in a French harbour and smooth water. 

There is this advantage in a stormy voyage by sea, that it makes one 
land on a foreign boU as cordially as if it were native ; and accordingly 
with the most perfect satisfaction I found myself standing, high and dry, 
in that seaport, the name of which Queen Mary of England, surnamed 
the Bloody, declared would be found engraven on her heart — the earliest 
instance, by the by, of lithography. For my own part, my heart was 
also deeply interested in the locality, which, to an Englishman, is 
classical ground, and associated with literary fictions as well as historical 
facts. Not to name a certain slender figure of a Traveller in black, 
with a clerical wig and hat, my mind's eye was filled with the familiar 
phantoms of personages almost as real to me as the place itself; and 
the very scenery in which they had played their parts was shortly to be 
before me. With the help of a Calais touter, I had found my way to 
the wrong Hotel, the master of which stood bowing to me, as only a 



376 ENGLISH KETBOGBESSION. 

Frenoliman can Low, and congratulating me— or rather all France— if 
not all Europe— on my safe arrival. In compliment to my nation, he 
pretended to use our native language, but of course it was a strange 
jargon— for it seems to be the pleasure of " our Sweet Enemy France " 
—as Sir Philip Sidney called her— since she cannot break our ranks, or 
our banks, or our hearts, heads, winds, or spirits, to break our English. 
But my head and heart were too full of Monsieur Dessein, the 
Mendicant Monk, the Desobligeant, the Remise, the Fair Fleming, and 
the Snuff-Box, to notice or resent the liberties that were taken with our 
insular tongue. 

"And now. Monsieur," said I, after bandying civilities which 
employed us to the top of the first flight of stairs — " and now. Monsieur, 
be pleased to show me the chamber which was occupied by the Author 
of the ' Sentimental Journey.' " 

" La jouniee? " 

"Yes, the apartment of our Tristram Shandy." 

•' L'apartement — triste — " 

"Exactly: the room where he had the memorable interview with the 
Monk of the Franciscan order." 

"Order? — ah! — oui — yes — you shall order, sare, what you will 
please — " 

" All in good time, Monsieur, — but I must first see the room that 
was tenanted by our immortal Sterne." 

" Sterne ! " ejaculated my host — " eh ? — Sterne ? — Diable I'emporte ! 
— it is de oder Hotel. Mon Dieu ! c'est une drole de chose — but de 
English pepels when dey come to Calais, dey always come Sterne 
foremost ! " 




' y.\X WE KH'IB WAKT A FWEKD, OR A liCTTLI! TO OlVlt HCd " 



377 




' SET UO'.V^' OSE, ANn C4URY OK" 



THE LITTLE BROWNS. 



Taiukg into account the peculiar circumstances of the country, and 
the particular juncture, coincident with the depreciation of our gold 
money, there is something st.ange and puzzling about the proposed 
issue of a new coinage of Half-Farthings. 

In a cheap country one can understand the utility and convenience 
of such small monies : — for example, in France or Belgium with their 
centimes — or in Germany with its pfennings, ten of which are equiva- 
lent to one of our pence. For in any of these lands it is still possible 
to procure some article or other in exchange for a coin of the lowest 
denomination : but in England, dear England, what is there that one 
can purchase for such a mite as one of the new fractions ? Nothing. 
The traditionary farthing rushlight has risen to four times the price, 
and the old ha'penny roll has rolled into a penny one. And half a 
farthing ? The only commodity I know of to be obtained for such a 
t)-ifle is — kicks ! 

"I'd kick kirn for half a fartking.' 

It is barely possible, however, that at the street stalls, or in hawkers 
baskets, there may be something in the lozenge or lollipop line to be 
bought for one of these new doits. But the issue of a new coinage, of 
a novel value, expressly for the convenience of little children with 
limited incomes, is a thing not to be supposed. 

It is not likely, either, that the penny has thus been split into 



378 



TilE LITTLE BEOWKS. 



eighths, because the oranges have been eight for sixpence ; neither is it 
probable that our copper currency has been chopped so small only to 
make it more like mint sauce. 

Is it possible that, alarmed by the depreciation of our sovereigns, 
•our rulers have thought of producing a coin not valuable enough for 
plugging — and too little and light for sweating — even in the present 
warm weather ? 

Is it plausible that to meet the haggling which hard times will 
produce, these copper minims have been invented so that two merchants 
or brokers who have boggled about a farthing, may split the difference 
and effect a bargain ? Such a supposition were too derogatory to our 
modern Greshams. 

A certain Journal, indeed, has hiuted that the measure will benefit 
the poor, by their receiving fractions which hitherto have never been 

given to the petty pur- 
^ , chaser ; but surely this 

cr'-' argument is untenable, 

for will not the same 
coinage enable the seller 
to impose a fraction 
hitherto impracticable 
on his article — for ex- 
ample, a penny and one- 
eighth on Lis bun or 
roll ? 

The new denomina- 
tion can hardly be in- 
tended — against an uni- 
versal Income Tax — to 
enable a man with four- 
pence-farthing a year to 
pay three per cent, on 
his annuity. The Vic- 
toria D.G. on the new 
coin, would never lend 
her royal countenance 
to any such speculation. 
Is it possible, in consideration of the dearuess of bread, that the 
Lilliputian currency has been invented for the purchase of such tiny 
little loaves as Gulliver used to devour by the dozen ? Alas ! the 
people who make money are not so considerate for those who don't ! 

With none of these views is it likely that the Demi Farthings have 
been minted— nor yet to encourage low play, by furnishing almost 
nominal stakes for short whist and games of chanco. 
^ To what purpose, then, have the dwarf coppers been introduced ? 
There still remains one use for them, and really it appears on plausible 
grounds to have been the very use intended by the authors of the 
measure — namely, to be given away. 




A IlECEIFT IN FULL. 



THE LTTTLE BROWNS. 



879 



The universal distress of the working classes — the rapid increase of 
pauperism, and the broad hint which has been thrown out, that the 
wants of the starving population must be provided for by voluntary 
contribution, tend strongly to favour this hypothesis. The man and 
woman with a spare penny — the lady and gentleman with a spare 
shilling, will be enabled, by this very small change, to enlarge the 
sphere of their benevolence ; and the noble philanthropist, whose 
generosity amounts to a guinea, may have a thousand beggars beset his 
gate, and " none go unrelieved away ! " Yes— thanks to our mint- 
masters, we shall be indulged with cheap charity, if nothing else ! 

But besides the mendicants, the minute coin will be serviceable to 
give to children, — to crossing sweepers, watermen, Jacks-in-the-water, 
and other humble officials, who look to ladies aud gentlemen for fees. 
Whether the Half-Farthings will do to tip servants, guards, chamber- 
maids, stage-coachmen, waiters, or box-keepers, is more problematical : 
bow it might answer to slip such a gratuity into the itching palm of a 
powdered portly Footman, or Hall Porter, in crimson and gold, or sky 
blue and silver — one of those pampered menials who lounge about the 
doors of Portland Place, and vainly ask each other the meaning of 
" Destitution in the Metropolis " — how it might do, to present such a 
tipping to such a topping personage, to offer such tribute money to such 
a Caesar, is very, very questionable : but in these hard times, when 
every retrenchment is desirable, the experiment at least ought to be 
made — nay, should even a young lady call with her subscription-book 
to beg for something for the little Blacks, it might not be amiss to 
introduce her to the little Browns. 




DOUBLE ENTKT 



380 



SKIPPING, 



A MYSTERY. 



I.iTiiE Children skip, 
The rope so gaily gripping. 

Tom and Harry, 

Jane and Mary, 

Kate, Diana, 

Susan, Anna, 
All are fond of skipping ! 

The Grasshoppers all skip, 
The early dew-drop sipping. 

Under, over, 

Bent and clover, 

Daisy, sorrel. 

Without quarrel. 
All are fond of skipping ! 

The tiny Fairies skip, 

At midnight softly tripping, 

Piiok and Peri, 

Never weary, 

With an antic, 

Quite romantic, 
AU are fond of skipping ! 

The little Boats they skip, 
Beside the heavy Shipping, 

While the squalling 

Winds are calling, 

Palling, rising, 

Rising, falling, 
All are fond of skipping ! 

The pale Diana skips, 
The silver billows tipping. 

With a dancing 

Lustre glancing 

To the motion 

Of the ocean — 
All are fond of skipping ! 

The little Flounders skip, 
\S'heu they feel the dripping ; 

Scorching, frying, 

Jumping, trying 



If there is not 
Any shying, 
All are fond of skipping ! 

The very Dogs they skip, 
While threatened with a y\-hi\i- 

Wheeling, prancing, [piii;,', 

Learning dancing, 

To a measure, 

What a pleasure ! ■ 
AU are fond of skipping ! 

The little Fleas they skip. 
And nightly come a nipping 

Lord and Lady, 

Jude and Thady, 

In the night . 

So dark and shady — 
All are fond of skippii^ ! 

The Autumn Leaves they skip ; 

When blasts the trees are strip- 
Bounding, whirling, [ping ; 
Sweeping, twirling. 
And in Tvanton 
Mazes curling. 

All are fond of skipping ! 

The Apparitions skip. 

Some mortal grievance ripping, 

Thorough many 

A crack and cranny, 

And the keyhole 

Good as any — 
x\Jl are fond of skipping ! 

But oh! how Readers ski]i, 
In heav^' volumes di])piDg ! 
***** and * * * * * 

* * * * and ***** 

* * * and * * * * ' 
******** 

All are fond of ski])ping I 



AN EPIGRAM. 



'Tis said of Lord B., none is keener than he 

To spit a Wild Boar with eclat; 
But he never gets near to the Brute with his spear. 

ITe gives it so very much law. 



S81 




THE OilNI-BUSS. 



THE OMNIBUS. 



A SKETCH OX THE EOAD. 



It was a fine evening in Autumn, but late enough to be dusk, as my 
friend F. was driving me, in a gig, along a road near Chigwell, in 
Essex, -when suddenly vo were startled by loud and repeated screams, 
as from numerous female voices. 

F. immediately pulled up: — whilst the alarming chorus was repeated 
from throats in better time than unison — followed by entreaties for 
help. 

The sounds came from above ; and looking up towards the top of the 
bank on the right hand side of the road, which was cut through a hill, 
we perceived an omnibus, with two females perched on the roof, and 
another on the box, who held the whip and the reins. At every 
window, moreover, appeared one or two caps or bonnets, accounting for 
the full chorus we had just heard. 

Leaving our own vehicle in the road, we hastened to the rescue ; and 
having first helped the ladies to alight, proceeded to get the omnibus 
into the road — a task of considerable difficulty. The females in the mean- 
while scrambled down to the low ground, where we found them clustered 
round the senior of the party, who, seated on the stump of a tree, was 
giving way to sundry gesticulations and exclamations, which being 
echoed and imitated by a fugle-woman on either side, were copied and 



383 



THE OMNIDnS. 



repeated again by some eighteen young ladies of various ages and very 
different sizes. In reality, the Principal, teachers, and pupils of 
Prospect-House Establishment, at Woodford. 

"O! I never!" exclaimed the Governess: and eighteen juvenile 
voices and two middle-aged ones instantly reiterated, " 0, I never ! " 

" It's a Providence we were not killed ! " cried the Governess ; and as 
if they had been at their responses in church, the twenty voices simul- 
taneously repeated, " Providence we were not killed ! " 

My experience in the suburban woodlands suggested a tolerable guess 
at the truth, which the narrative of Mrs. Vandeleur afterwards con- 
firmed. The ladies of Prospect-House Establishment had been 
enjoying their annual Gipsying in Epping Forest — a festival from 

which prudence and 
principle rigorously 
excluded the other 
sex, with the excep 
tion of one Tobias, 
who during the ill- 
ness of the household 
coachman, had been 
recommended for the 
service, as a sober, 
steady, civil, and 
family man. Well, 
they had gone, she 
said, to the old peren- 
nial rendezvous, a 
certain retired spot, 
secure from vulgar in- 
trusion, and betaken 
themselves to their 
rural recreations, some 
pursuing Entomology 
she meant hunting 
butterflies), others 
studying botany (by 
picking harebells and looking for " eagles " and " oak trees " in sliced 
fern-stalks), the graphical sketching picturesque stumps, and land- 
skipping— and the young ones picking ladybirds, or playing at hide and 
seek. For herself, she had enjoyed " Sturm's Reflections " under an 
umbrageous beech, whilst Miss Tancred and Miss Groper spread the 
hospitable cloth on Flora's lap, and disposed on it the viands and 
beverages congenial to a Juvenile Fete Champetre, namely, cold pigeon 
pie, ham and beef sandwiches, and tea-cakes, with flasks of home-made 
gooseberry, currant, and cowslip wine, and a few bottles of porter and 
ale, for the more mature of the sylvan revellers. These good things, 
with grace before and after, having been duly discussed, not forgetting 
the allotment of a portion for Tobias— the votaries of Flora, &c., again 




A SPILL CASE. 




THE OMNIBUS. 883 

betook themselves to their rural felicity till recalled by the sound of a 
large handbell, when the little flock having been counted over, they 
proceeded to the rendezvous, — a majestic Monarch of the Forest, ahas 
oak — and punctual to appointment there stood the green Omnibus, the 
Paragon, with its horses ready harnessed — but where was Tobias ? 

In vain twenty shrill voices made the woods ring with " Tobias ! — ■ 
bias ! — ias ! " — no Tobias answered. In speechless alarm, the anxious 
females clustered again 
around the Governess, gaz- 
ing in each others' faces with 
blank looks, when suddenly 
they were startled by a 
strange sound from the in- 
terior of the vehicle. — Yes, 
there certainly was somebody 
snoring in the omnibus, but 
nobody cared to verify the 
fact, by inspection, for sup- 
pose it should not be Tobias ? 
At last the more courageous 
Miss Groper ventured to j, eooking hoese. 

open the door and look in, 

and alas ! for human frailty ! Tobias it was indeed, helplessly, hopelessly 
drunk ! 

Poor Tobias ! Too corpulent to skip after butterflies, or climb for 
birds' nests, too ignorant to read " Sturm's Reflections," or in truth any 
thing else, and unable to play hide and seek with himself, he had 
found the time pass away very tediously, 

' ' Under the shade of melancholy boughs." 

He had looked on the sole of eacli boot, more than once, and into the 
crown of his hat still oftener, and had blown his nose, and counted the 
fourpence halfpenny in his pocket over and over, but he could not 
always be blowing his nose without a cold, or counting fourpence half- 
penny. How then was he to occupy or amuse himself but by eating 
and drinking ? — the last, indeed, being encouraged by the heat of the 
weather, and the discovery of certain bottles of ale and stout, and home- 
made wines amongst the remnants of the feast. So tapping a bottle of 
ale, he quaffed it off, not without drinking the health of the Governess 
and the ladies in general, succeeded by more particular toasts, as the 
"young 'oman in the welwet cape," "she in the blue bonnet," and the 
like. Then he drank the porter, and then he instinctively put to the 
horses, for the fatigue of which he refreshed himself with another 
bottle of ale, and then tasted the wines, and then feeling drowsy, 
crept into the further corner of the 'bus for a nap, till the arrival 
of the company. But the malt liquor had been more potent, and 
his slumbers were deeper than he had reckoned on. The maidens 
might as well have attempted to rouse Rip Van Winkle. 



384 



THE OMNIBUS. 



What was to be done ? There was not a house within reach, or a 
creature within hail. The gloom of evening was fast deepening, and 
the prospect of being benighted in the Forest, associated, by some 

at least, with wild beasts and 
banditti, reconciled the females, 
old and young, to the only al- 
ternative. The Governess and 
the majority of the ladies got 
into the omnibus, allowing the 
horrid creature as wide a birth 
as they could — the two teachers 
ascended outside to the roof — 
and the box was assigned to 
Miss Wrigglesworth, who on II13 
strength of having once driven 
a donkey shay, assumed the 
, whij) and the ribbons, and set 
the horses in motion by one 
cut at the reins and another 
at the traces. Luckily the 
horses were steady and sensible 
animals, and being allowed their 
own way at first, kept the coach 
out of difficulties, till the cha- 
rioteer attempting some manoeuvres of her own, contrived to perch the 
omnibus on an eminence dangerous even for a Paragon. 

The rest may be briefly told. Tobias was dragged from the vehicle 
by the legs, and after a hearty shaking, was secured by the side of F. in 
the gig. The omnibus, I volunteered to pilot to Prospect House, where 
I safely deposited its precious freight — the Governess literally over- 
whelming me with her acknowledgments — and the young ladies 
declaring one and all, with every appearance of sincerity, that " they 
would never, never, never go any where again uitlwut Oentlemen." 




'I DO ECSELCH YOU, TLAY UPON THIS PIPE." 







AS rNCnATK. 



385 




LITTLE AND BIGAMY. 



MORAL REFLECTIONS ON THE CROSS OF 
ST. PAUL'S. 



The man that pays his pence, and goes 

Up to thy lofty cross, St. Paul, 
Looks over London's naked nose, 
Women and men : 
The world is all beneath his ken. 
He £ts above the Ball. 
He seems on Mount Olympus' top, 
Among the Gods, by Jupiter ! and lets drop 
His eyes from the empyreal clouds 
On mortal crowds. 



Seen from these skies, 

How small those emmets in our eyes ! 

Some carry little sticks — and one 
His eggs — to warm them in the sun : 
Dear ! what a hustle, 
And bustle ! 
And there's my aunt. I know her by her waist, 
So long and thin, 
And so pinch 'd in, 
Just in the pismire taste. 

Oh ! what are men ? — Beings so small, 

That, should I fall 
Upon their little heads, I must 
Crush them by hundreds into dust ! 

SECOND SERIES. ^ 



380 



MORAL REFLEOTIONS ON THE CROSS OF ST. PAULS. 



And what is life ? and all its ages — 

There's seven stages ! 
Turnham Green ! Chelsea ! Putney ! Fulliam ! 
Brentford ! and Kew ! 
And Tooting, too I 
And oh ! what very little nags to pull 'em. 

Yet each would seem a horse indeed, 
If here at Paul's tip-top we'd got 'em ; 

Although, like Cinderella's breed, 
They're mice at bottom. 
Then let me not despise a horse, 
Though he looks small from Paul's high cross ! 
Since he would be, — as near the sky, 
— Fourteen hands high. 

What is this world with London in its lap ? 

Mogg's Map. 
The Thames, that ebbs and flows in its broad channel ? 

A tidy kennel. , 

The bridges stretching from its banks ? 

Stone planks. 

Oh me ! hence could I read an admonition 

To mad Ambition ! 
But that he would not listen to my call, 
Though I should stand upon the cross, and ball ! 




VERY DEAF, INDEED. 



387 




THE PEAYSE OF IGNORANCE. 



AN EXTEAOT FROM AN OKATION DELIVBEED BEJOKE THE MOST GRAVE AND 
LEARNED FAOITLTY OF PABTJA, BY THE ADMIBABLE CEICHTON. 



Now your Clowne knoweth none of the Bokeman's troubles, and his 
dayes be the longer ; for he doth not vault upon the fierie Pegasus, but 
jumpes merrilye upon old Ball, who is a cart-horse, and singeth another 
man's song, which hath, it may be, thirty and six verses, and a burthen 
withal, and goes to a tune which no man knowes but himself. Alsoe, 
he wooes the ruddye Cicely, which is not a Muse, but as comely a maide 
of fleshe as needes be, and many daintye ballades are made of their 
loves, as may be read in our Poets their Pasto^alls ; only that therein 
he is called Damon, which standes for Eoger, and Cicely, belike, is 
ycleped Sylvia, as belongs to their pastorall abodes. Where they lead 
soe happye life as to stir up envye in the towne's women, who would 
faine become Shepherdesses, by hook and by crook, and get green 
gownes and lay down upon the sweet verdant grass. Oh, how 
pleasauntly they sit all the daye long under a shady tree, to hear 
the young lambes ; but at night they listen to the plaintive Philomell, 
and the gallaunts doe make them chappelets : or, if it chance to be 
May, they goe a Mayinge, whilst the yonge buds smell sweetlye, and 
the littel birdes are whistlynge and hoppinge all about. 



888 



THE PRAYSR OF IGXOHAXCE. 



Then Koger and Cicely sit adowne under the white haw-thorne, and 
he makes love to her in a shepherd-like waye, in the midst of her flooke. 
She doth not minde sheepes'-eyes. Even like Cupid and Psyche, as 
they are set forthe by a cunning Flemishe Limner, as hath been my 
hap to behold in the Low Countrye, wherein Cupid, with his one hand, 
is a toyinge with the haires of his head ; but with the other, he handleth 

the fair neck of his mis- 
tresse, who sitteth discreetlye 
upon a flowerie bank, and 
lookes down as beseemes 
upon her shoon ; for she is 
vain of her modestye. This 
T have seen at the Hague. 

And Eoger sayth, 
Cicely, Cicely,' how prettye 
you be ; whereat she doth 
open her mouthe, and smiles 
loudly ; which, when he 
heares, he sayth again. Nay, 
but I doe love thee passing 
well, and with that lays a 
loud buss upon her cheek, 
which cannot blushe by rea- 
son of its perfect ruddy- 
iiesse. Anon, he spreadeth 
in her lap the pink ribbands 
which he bought at the wake, 
for her busking, and alsoe a 

ACTED PEOVERB.—" SECOND THOUGnTS AKE BEST." grCat CSkO Of gingCF brcde, 

which causeth her heart to 
be in her mouthe. Then, quoth he, The little Robins have got their 
mates, and the prettye Finches be all paired, and why sholde not we ? 





THE MAIN-PIPE, 



And quoth she, as he kisseth her, Robin, Robin, you be such a sweet- 
billed bu-d, that I must needes crye " Aye." Wherefore, on the Sun- 
daye, they go to the Parishe Churche, that they may be joyned into one, 



THE rHATSE OF IGKOBANCE. 389 

and^be no more single. Whither they walk tenderlye upon their toes, 
as if they stepped all the waye upon egges. And Roger hath a brave 
bo\vpot at his bosom, which is full of Heart's Ease ; but Cicely is decked 
with ribbands, a knot here, and a knot there, and her head is furnished 
after a daintye fashion, soe that she wishes, belike, that she was Roger 
to see herselfe all round about,— and content her eyes upon her own 




devices. Whereas, Roger smells to his nosegaye ; but his looks travel, as 
the crabbe goeth, which is side-wayes, towards Cicely; and he smiles 
sweetlye, to think how that he is going to be made a husband-man, and 
alsoe of the good cheere which there will be to eat that daye. Soe he 
walks up to the altar with a stout harte ; and when the parson bath 
made an ende, he kisseth Cicely afreshe, and their markes are registered 
as man and wife in the church bokes. 

After which, some threescore yeares, it may befall you to light on a 
grave-stone, and, on the wood thereof, to read as followeth : — 

" Here I bee, Roger Eackstrawe, which did live at Dipmore Ende, 
of this Parishe — but now in this tomb. 

Time was that I did sowe and plough, 
That lyes beneathe the fuixowea now ; 
But though Death sowes me with his graine, 
I knowe that I shall spring againe." 

Now is not this a life to be envyde, which needeth so many men's 
paynes to paint its pleasures ? For, saving the Law clerkes, it is set 
forth by all that write upon sheepe's skins, even the makers of pastoralls: 
wherein your Clowne is constantly a figure of Poetry, — being allwayes 



390 EPIGEAM. 

amongst the leaves. He is their Jack-i'-the-Green. — Wherefore I crye, 
for my owne part, Oh ! that I were a Boore ! Oh ! that I were a Boore ! 
that troubleth no man, and is troubled of none. Who is written, 
wherein he cannot reade, and is mayde into Poetry, that yet is no Poet; 
for how sholde he make songs, that knoweth not King Cadmus his 
alphabet, to pricke them down withal ? — 

Seeing that he is nowayes leamede — nor hath never bitten of the 
Apple of Knowledge, which was but a sowre crabbe apple, whereby 
Adam his wisdom-teeth were set on edge. Wherefore, he is much more 
a happye man, saying unto his lusty yonge Dame, We twaine be one 
fleshe. — But the Poet sayth to his mate. Thou art skin of my skin, and 
bone of my bone ; soe that this saying is not a paradoxe, — That the 
Boke Man is a Dunce in being Wise, — and the Clowne is Wise, in 
being a Dunce. 




'I WISH YOU A HAPPY NEW TEAR. 



EPIGEAM 

ON A CERTAIN EQUESTKIAN STATUE AT THE ROYAL EXCHANGE. 



Whoever has looked upon Wellington's breast. 
Knows well that he is not so full in the chest ; 
But the sculptor, to humour the Londoners partial, 
Has turn'd the lean Duke to a plump City Marshal 



391 




BETTEE LATE THAH NEVEB, AS THE QERMANa SALUTE. 



A VALENTINE. 



Oh ! cruel heart ! ere these posthumous papers 
Have met thine eyes, I shall be out of breath ; 

Those cruel eyes, like two funereal tapers, 
Have only lighted me the way to death 

Perchance, thou wilt extinguish them in vapours, 
When I am gone, and green grass covereth 

Thy lover, lost ; but it will be in vain — 

It will not bring the vital spark again. 

Ah ! when those eyes, like tapers, burn'd so blue, 
It seemed an omen that we must expect 

The sprites of lovers; and it boded true, 
For I am half a sprite — a ghost elect ; 

Wherefore I write to thee this last adieu, 
With my last pen — before that I effect 

My exit from the stage ; just stopp'd before 

The tombstone steps that lead us to death's door 

Full soon these living eyes, now liquid bright, 
Will turn dead dull, and wear no radiance, save 

They shed a dreary and inhuman light, 
Illum'd within by glow-worms of the grave ; 



393 A VALENTINE 

These ruddy cheeka, so pleasant to the sight, 
These lusty legs, and all the limbs I have. 
Will keep Death's carnival, and, foul or fresh, 
Must bid farewell, a long farewell, to flesh ! 




THE rAUTINO OF POIIPEY AND CORNELIA. 

Yea, and this very heart, that dies for thee. 
As broken victuals to the worms will go ; 

And all the world will dine again but me — 
For I shall have no stomach ; — and I know. 

When I am ghostly, thou wilt sprightly be 
As now thou art : but will not tears of woe 

Water thy spirits, with remorse adjunct, 

When thou dost pause, and think of the defunct ? 

And when thy soul is buried in a sleep. 
In midnight solitude, and little dreaming 

Of such a spectre — what, if I should creep 
Within thy presence in such dismal seeming? 

Thine eyes will stare themselves awake, and weep. 
And thou wilt cross thyself with treble screaming. 

And pray with mingled penitence and dread 

That I were less alive — or not so dead. 



Then will thy lieart confess thee, and reprove 
This -wilful homicide which thou hast done : 

And the sad epitaph of so much love 
Will ont i;ito my heart, ns if in stone : 



A VALENTINK. 

And all the lovers that around thee move. 

Will read my fate, and tremble for their own ; 
And strike upon their heartless breasts, and sigh , 
" Man, born of woman, must of woman die ! " 



393 



^lx^^^:ir:\^ 




"come uke shadows, so depart, 
suotv his eyes and grieve his heart.' 



Mine eyes grow dropsical — I can no more — 
And what is written thou may'st scorn to read, 

Shutting thy tearless eyes. — 'Tis done — 'tis o'er — 
My hand is destin'd for another deed. 

But one last word wrung from its aching core, 
And my lone heart in silentness will bleed ; 

Alas ! it ought to take a life to tell 

Tliat one last word— that fare — fare — fare thee well ! 




*RICII AND RARE WERE TUB QESIS SHE WOllG,' 



394 




A LADV WITH A OAPIAIH IS HER EYE. 



ANACEEONTIC. 



BY A FOOTMAN. 



It's wery well to talk in praise 
Of Tea and Water-drinking ways, 

In proper time and place ; 
Of sober draughts, so clear and cool, 
Dipp'd out of a transparent pool 

Keflecting heaven's face. 

Of babbling brooks, and purling rills, 
And streams as gushes from the hills, 

It's -wery -well to talk ; — 
But what becomes of all sich schemes. 
With ponds of ice, and running streams, 

As doesn't even walk ? 



When Winter comes with piercing coldj 
And all the rivers, new or old, 

Is frozen far and wide ; 
And limpid springs is solid stuff, 
And crystal pools is hard enough 

To skate upon, and slide ; — 



A MORNING THOUGHT. 

What then are thirsty men to do, 
But drink of ale, and porter too. 

Champagne as makes a fizz ; 
Port, sherry, or the Ehenish sort, 
And p'rhaps a drop of aummut short- 

The water-pipes is friz ! 



395 



A MOENING THOUGHT. 



No more, no more will I resign 
My couch so warm and soft. 

To trouble trout with hook and line. 
That will not spring aloft. 

With larks appointments one may fix 
To greet the dawning skies, 

But hang the getting up at six, 
For fisli that will not rise ! 




BACO>- IN DilMAND — BRISTLES GETTING UP — X FULL SUPPLY OF BARK — IVORY RATHER BRISK 
— TALLOW IS FLAT — AND THERE 'S A RISE IN TIMBER, 



896 




BELL ON "the EAKD.' 



"PLEASE TO ETNG THE BELLE." 



I'll tell you a story that's not in Tom Moore: — 
Young Love likes to knock at a pretty girl's door : 
So he call'd upon Lucy — 'twas just ten o'clock — 
liike a spruce single muii, with a smart double knock. 

Now a hand-maid, whatever her fingers be at, 
Will run like a puss when she hears a rat-tat : 
So Lucy ran up — and in two seconds more 
Had question'd the stranger and answer'd the door. 

The meeting was bliss ; but the parting was woe ; 
For the moment will come when such comers must go 
So she kiss'd him, and whisper'd — poor innocent thing— 
" The next time you come, love, pray come with a ring." 



ON A CEETAIN LOCALITY. 



Op public changes, good or ill, 

I seldom lead the mooters. 
But really Constitution Hill 

Should change its name with Shooter's ! 



397 




'teli. me, mt heakt, can this be love?" 



ON THE POPULAR CUPID. 



The figure above was copied, by permission, from a lady's Valentine. 
To the common apprehension, it represents only a miracle of stall-feed- 
ing — a babe-Lambert — a caravan-prodigy of grossness, — but, in the 
romantic mythology, it is the image of the Divinity of Love. — 

In sober verity, — does such an incubus oppress the female bosom ? 
Can such a monster of obesity be coeval with the gossamer natures of 
Sylph and Fairy in the juvenile faith? Is this he — the buoyant 
Camdeo, — that, in the mind's eye of the poetess, drifts adown the 
Ganges in a lotus — 

"Pillow'J in a lotus flow'r 
Gather'd in a summer hour, 
Floats he o'er the mountain wave, 
Which would be a tall ship's grave ! " — 

Is this personage the disproportionate partner for whom Pastorella 
sigheth, — in the smallest of cots ? — Does the platonic Amanda (who is 
all soul) refer, in her discourses on Love, to this palpable being, who is 
all body? Or does Belinda, indeed, believe that such a substantial 
Sagittarius lies ambush'd in her perilous blue eye ? 

It is in the legend, that a girl of Provence was smitten once, and 
died, by the marble Apollo : but did impassioned damsel ever dote, and 
wither, beside the pedestal of this preposterous effigy? or, rather is not the 
unseemly emblem accountable for the coyness and proverbial reluctance 
of maidens to the approaches of Love ? 



898 



ON THE POPULAE CDPID. 



I can believe in his dwelling alone in the heart — seeing that he must 
occupy it to repletion ; — in his constancy, because he looks sedentary 
and not apt to roam. That he is given to melt — from his great pinguitude. 




BLACK EitANCIPATlOlf. 



That he burueth with a flame, for so all fat burneth — and hath 
languishings — like other bodies of his tonnage. That he sighs — from 
his size. — 

I dispute not his kneeling at ladies' feet — since it is the posture of 
elephants, — nor his promise that the homage shall remain eternal. I 
doubt not of his dying, — being of a corpulent habit, and a short neck. 
— Of his blindness — with that inflated pig's cheek. But for his 
lodging in Belinda's blue eye, my whole faith is heretio-^or she hath 
never a sty in it 




" aON OF THE SLTSEPX-lfSS ! ' 



399 




'0, UT BOMNIE, BONNIE BET ",' 



BACiaNG THE FAVOUEITE. 

Oh a pistol, or a knife ! 
For I'm weary of my life, — 

My cup has nothing sweet left to flavour it ; 
My estate is out at nurse. 
And my heart is like my purse — 

And all through backing of the Favourite ! 

At dear 'Neil's first start, 
I sported all my heart, — 

Oh, Becher, he never marr'd a braver hit ! 
For he cross'd her in her race. 
And made her lose her place. 

And there was an end of that Favourite ! 



Anon, to mend my chance, 
For the Goddess of the Dance* 

I pin'd and told my enslaver it ; 
But she wedded in a canter, 
And made me a Levanter, 

In foreign lands to sigh for the Favourite ! 

* The late favourite of the King's Theatre, who left the pas seul of life, for a per- 
petual Ball. Is not that her effigy now commonly borne about by the Italian image 

vendors — an ethereal form holding a wreath with both hands above her head and 

her husband, in emblem, beneath her foot ? 



400 



BACKING THE FAVODHITE. 



Then next Miss M. A. Tree 
I adored, so sweetly she 

Could warble like a nightingale and quaver it , 
But she left that course of life 
To be Mr. Bradshaw's wife, 

And all the world lost on the Favourite ! 

But out of sorrow's surf 
Soon I leap'd upon the turf. 

Where fortune loves to wanton it and waver it '; 
But standing on the pet, 
" Oh my bonny, bonny Bet ! " 

Black and yellow puU'd short up with the Favourite ! 

Thus flung by all the crack, 
I resolv'd to cut the pack, — 

The second-raters seem'd then a safer hit 
So I laid my little odds 
Against Memnon ! Oh, ye Gods ! 

Am I always to be floored by the Favourite ! 




' V^3!r^^^iiMk -^sjS^^a \SSW^^' 



WEIGHT rOR AOE, 



401 



cn- 




' 0, TSAT THIS TOO, TOO SOLID TLESH WOULD MELT I " 



A COMPLAINT AGAINST GEEATNESS. 



I AM an unfortunate creature, the most wretched of all that groan 
under the hurden of the flesh. I am fainting, as they say of kings, 
under my oppressive greatness. A miserable Atlas, I sink under the 
(vorld of — myself. 

But the curious will here ask me for my name. I am then, or they 
say I am, " The Eeverend Mr. Farmer, a four years' old Durham Ox, 
fed by himself, upon oil cake and mangel-wurzel : " but I resemble that 
ivorthy agricultural Vicar only in my fat living. In plain truth I am 




A SCOTCH CilAB, 



m unhappy candidate for the show at Sadler's, not " the Wells," but 
the Kepository. They tell me I am to bear the bell, (as if I had not 
snough to bear already !) by my surpassing tonnage — and, doubtless, the 
prize emblem will be proportioned to my uneasy merits. With a great 

SECOND BBBIES. B D 



403 



A COMPLAINT AGAIKST GEEATSESS. 



Tom of Lincoln about my neck— alas ! what will it comfort me to have 
been " commended by the judges ?" 

Wearisome and painful was my Pilgrim-like-progress to this place, by 
short and tremulous stoppings, like the digit's march upon a dial. My 
owner, jealous of my fat, procured a crippled drover, with a withered 
limb, for my conductor ; but even he hurried me beyond my breath. 
The drawling hearse left me labouring behind; the ponderous fly- 
waggon passed me like a bird upon the road, so tediously slow is my 
pace. It just suffioeth. Oh ye thrice happy Oysters ! that have no 
locomotive faculty at all, to distinguish that I am not at rest. Wherever 
the grass grew by the wayside, how it tempted my natural longings — 

the cool brook flowed at 
my very foot, but this 
short thick neck for- 
bade me to eat or drink: 
nothing but my re- 
dundant dewlap is likely 
ever to graze on the 
ground ! 

If stalls and troughs 
were not extant, I must 
perish. Nature has 
given to the Elephant a 
long flexible tube, or 
trunk, so that he can 
feed his mouth, as it 
were, by his nose ; but 
is man able to furnish 
me with such an im- 
plement ? Or would 
he not still withhold it, 
lest I should prefer the 
green herb, my natural 
delicious diet, and reject his rank, unsavoury condiments? What beast, 
with free will, but would repair to the sweet meadow for its pasture ; 
and yet how grossly is he labelled and libelled ? Your bovine servant 
in the catalogue is a " Durham Ox, fed hy himself, (as if he had any 
election,) upon oil-cake." 

I wonder what rapacious Cook, with an eye to her insatiable grease- 
pot and kitchen perquisites, gave the hint of this system of stall-feeding ! 
What unctuous Hull Merchant, or candle-loving Muscovite, made this 
grossness a desideratum ? If mine were, indeed, like the fat of the 
tender sucking pig, that delicate glutton, there would be reason for its 
unbounded promotion ; but to see the prize-steak, loaded with that rank 
yellow abomination, (the larap-lighters know its relish,) might wean a 
man from carnivorous habits for ever. Verily, it is an abuse of the 
Christmas holly, the emblem of Old English and wholesome cheer, to 
plant it upon such blubber. A gentlemanly entri\il must ho driven to 




PIGMY AND CRANE. 



A COMPLAINT AGAINST GREATNESS. 



403 



extreme straits, indeed, (Davis's Straits,) to feel any yearnings for such 
a meal ; and yet I am told that an assembly of gentiy, with all the 
celebrations of full bumpers and a blazing chimney-pot, have honoured 
the broiled slices of a prize-bullock, a dishful of stringy fibres, an 
animal cabbage-net, and that rank even hath been satisfied with its 
rankness. 

Will the honourable club, whoso aim it is thus to make the beastly 
nature more beastly, consider of 
this matter ? Will the humane, 
when they provide against the 
torments of cats and dogs, take 
110 notice of our condition ? 
Nature, to the whales, and crea- 
tures of their corpulence, has 
assigned the cool deeps ; but we 
have no such refuge in our melt- 
ings. At least, let the stall- 
feeder confine his system to the 
uncleanly swine which chews not 
the cud; for let the worthy 
members conceive on the palate 
of imagination, the abominable 
returns of the refuse-linseed in 
our after-ruminations. Oh ! let 
us not suffer in vain ! It may 
seem presumption in a brute, to the spake bed. 

question the human wisdom; 

but, truly, I can perceive no beneficial ends, worthy to be set off 
against our sufferings. There must be, methinks, a nearer way of 
augmenting the perquisites of the kitchen-wench and the fire-man, — of 
killing frogs, — than by exciting them, at the expense of us poor 
blown-up Oxen, to a mortal inflation. 





TM-ANGLEBS. 



n D 2 



404 




SPADE HUSBANDHY. 



THE MERMAID OF MARGATE. 



" Alas ! what perils do invlron 
That man who meddles with a sii'en !" — Ho'Didh.vs, 



On Margate beacli, where the sick one roams, 

And the sentimental reads ; 
Where the maiden flirts, and the widow comes- 

Lilse the ocean — to cast her weeds ; — 

Where urchins wander to pick up shells, 
And the Cit to spy at the ships, — 

Like the water gala at Sadler's Wells, — 
And the Chandler for \Yatery dips ; — 

There's a maiden sits by the ocean brim, 

As lovely and fair as sin ! 
But woe, deep water and woe to him, 

That she snareth like Peter Fin ! 



Her head is crown 'd with pretty sea-wares. 
And her locks are golden and loose ; 

And seek to her feet, like other folks' heirs, 
To stand, of course, in her shoes ! 



THE MERMAID OF MARGATE. 



405 



And, all day long, she combeth them well, 

With a sea-shark's prickly jaw ; 
And her mouth is just like a rose-lipp'd shell. 

The fairest that man e'er saw ! 




'all's well that ends well." 



And the Fishmonger, humble as love may be, 
Hath planted his seat by her side ; 

" Good even, fair maid ! Is thy lover at sea, 
To make thee so watch the tide ?" 



^ jr 




"come o'kr the bza." 



She turn'd about with her pearly brows. 
And clasp'd him by the hand : — 

" Come, love, with me ; I've a bonny house 
Oa the golden Goodwin Sand." 



406 



THE llEBMAID OF MARGATE. 



And then she gave him a sireu kiss, 

No honeycomb e'er was sweeter: 
Poor wretch ! how little he dreamt for this 

That Peter should be salt-Peter ! 

And away with her prize to the wave she leapt, 

Not walking, as damsels do. 
With toe and heel, as she ought to have stept, 

Eut she hopt like a Kangaroo ! 

One plunge, and then the victim was blind, 
Whilst they gallop'd across the tide ; 

At last on the bank he waked in his mind, 
And the Beauty was by his side. 

One half on the sand, and half in the sea, 

But his hair all began to stiffen ; 
For when he look'd where her feet should be, 

She had no more feet than Miss Biffen ! 




Cr.all AKD STICKING. 



But a scaly tail of a dolphin's growth 
In the dabbling brine did soak : 

A.t last she open'd her pearly mouth, 
Like an oyster, and thus she spoke : 



THE MEKMAID OF IIAEGATE. 



4or 



" You orimpt my father, who was a skate ; — 
And my sister you sold — a maid ; 

So here remain for a fishlilie fate, 
For lost you are, aud betray'd ! " 

And away she went, with a seagull's scream, 

And a splash of her saucy tail ; 
In a moment he lost the silvery gleam 

That shone on. her splendid mail ! 

The sun went down with a blood-red flame, 
And the sky grew cloudy and black, 

And the tumbling billows like leap-frog came, 
Each over the other's back ! 




*M0S7 rOTENT, C1U.VE, AND BEVERIiIND SIONIOns. 



Ab, me ! it had been a beautiful scene. 

With the safe terra-firma round ; 
But the green water-hillocks allseem'd to him, 

Lilie those in a churchyard ground ; 

And Christians love in the turf to lie, 

Not in watery graves to be ; 
Nay, the very fishes will sooner die 

On the land than in the sea : 



408 



THE MEEMAID OF MARGATE. 



And whilst be stood, the watery strife 

Encroached on every hand, 
And the ground decreas'd — his moments of lifn 

Seem'd measur'd, like Time's, by sand ; 

And still the waters foam'd in, like ale. 

In front, and on either flank. 
He knew that Goodwin and Co. must fail. 

There was such a run on the bank. — 



.^^ 




A BANK DIREC.On. 



A little more, and a little more. 

The surges came tumbling in ; 
He sang the evening hymn twice o'er, 

And thought of every sin ! 

Each flounder and plaice lay cold at his heart, 

As cold as his marble slab ; 
And he thought he felt in every part 

The pincers of scalded crab. 

The squealing lobsters that he had boil'd, 

And the little potted shrimps. 
All the horny prawns he had ever spoil'd, 

Gnaw'd into his soul, like imps ! 



THE MEEMAID OF MARGATE. 



409 



And the billo\YS were wandering to and fro, 
And tbe glorious sun was sunlj, 

And Day, getting black in the face, as tho' 
Of the night-shade she had drunk ! 




SrRIKG-UALT. 



Had there been but a smuggler's cargo adrift, 

One tub, or keg, to be seen. 
It might have given his spirits a lift 

Or an anl(er where Hope might lean ! 




' DUST I " 



But there was not a box or a beam afloat. 
To raft him from that sad place ; 

Not a skiff, nor a yawl, or a mackerel boat. 
Nor a smack upon Neptune's face. 



.110 TUE MERiFAlD OF MABGATE. 

At last, his lingering hopes to buoy, 

He saw a sail and a mast, 
And called " Ahoy ! " — but it was not a hoy. 

And so the vessel went past. 

And with saucy wing that flapp'd in his face, 

The wild bird about him flew, 
'With a shrilly scream that twitted his case, 

" Why, thou art a sea-gull too ! " 

And lo ! the tide was over his feet ; 

Oh ! his heart began to freeze. 
And slowly to pulse : — in another beat 

The wave was up to his knees ! 

He was deafeu'd amidst the mountain-tops. 
And the salt spray blinded his eyes, 

And wash'd away the other salt-drops 
That grief had caused to arise ; — 

But just as his body was all afloat. 
And the surges above him broke. 

He was saved from the hungry deep by a boat, 
Of Deal— (but builded of oak). 

The skipper gave him a dram, as he lay, 
And chafed his shivering skin ; 

And the Angel return'd that was flying away 
With the spirit of Peter Fin ! 




on, BEnATUE HOT UIS NAJIE I 



4U 




' who'll be master?" 



MY SON, SIR. 



It happened, the other evening, that, intending to call in L 

Street, I arrived a few minutes before Hyson; when W * "^ * * *, 
seated beside the urn, his eyes shaded by his hand, — was catechising 
his learned progeny, the Master Hope- 
ful, as if for a tea-table degree. It 
was a whimsical contrast, between the 
fretful pouting visage of the urchin, 
having his gums rubbed so painfully, 
to bring forward his wisdom-tooth — 
and the parental visage, sage, solemn,' 
and satisfied, and appealing ever and 
anon, by a dramatic side look, to the 
circle of smirking auditors. 

W * * * * * was fond of this kind 
of display, eternally stirring up the 
child for exhibition with his trouble- ■_ 
some long pole, — besides lecturing 
him through the diurnal vacations so 
tediously, that the poor urchin ytas 
fain,— for the sake of a little play,— "«v so». sm," 

to get into school again. 

I hate all forcing-frames for the young intellect, — and the Loclce 
system, which after all is but a Canal system for raising the babe-mind 
to unnatural levels. I pity the poor child that is learned in alpha 




412 



THE SURPLICE QUESTION. 



beta, but ignorant of top and taw — and was never so maliciously 
gratified, as when, in spite of all his promptings and leading questions, I 
beheld w * * * * * reddening, even to the conscious tips of his 
tingling ears, at the boy's untuiiely inaptitude. Why could he not rest con- 
tented, when the poor imp had answered him already, "What was a 
Roman Emperor? " — without requiring an interpretation of the Logos? 




""VVUO SAYS THERE IS NOT A SURrLVS I 



THE SUEPLICE QUESTION. 



BY A BENEDICT. 



A. VEBT pretty public stir 
Is making, down at Exeter, 
About the surplice fashion : 
And many bitter words and rude 
Have been bestow'd upon the feud, 
And much unchristian passion. 

For me, I neither know nor care 
Whether a Parson ought to wear 
A black dress or a white dress ; 
Fill'd with a trouble of my own, — 
A Wife who preaches in her gown. 
And lectures in her niaht-dress! 



413 




A JU0LEB3 NIGHTlNOALn, 



AS IT FELL UPON A DAY. 



I WONDER that W- 



the 



Ami des Enfans, has never written a 
sonnet, or hallad, on a girl that had brolten her pitcher. There are in 
the subject the poignant heart's anguish for sympathy and description 
— and the brittleness of jars and joys, with the abrupt loss of the 
watery fruits — (the pumpldns as it were) of her labours, — for a moral. In 
such childish accidents there is a world of woe; — the fall of earthenware 
is to babes, as, to elder contemplations, the Fall of Man. 

I Iiave often been tempted myself to indite a didactic ode to that 
urchin in Hogarth, with the ruined pie-dish. What a lusty agony is 
wringing him — so that all for pity he could die ; — and then, there is 
the instantaneous falling-on of the Beggar Girl, to lick up the fragments 
— expressively hinting how universally want and hunger are abounding 
in this miserable world, — and ready gaping at every turn, for such 
windfalls and stray Godsends. But, hark !— ^what a shrill, feline cry 
startleth the wild Aldgate ! 

Oh I what's befallen Bessy Brown, 
She stands so squalling in the street ; 

She's let her pitcher tumble down, 
And all the water's at her feet ! 



414 



AS IT FELL UPON A PAT. 



The little school-boys stood about, 

And laughed to see her pumping, pumping ; 
Now with a curtsey to the spout. 

And then upon her tiptoes jumping. 

Long time she waited for her neighbours, 
To have their turns ; — but she must lose 

The watery wages of her labours, — 
Except a little in her shoes ! 

Without a voice to tell her tale, 

And ugly transport in her face ; 
All like a jugless nightingale, 

She thinks of her bereaved case. 

At last she sobs — she cries — she screams ! — 
And pours her flood of sorrows out, 

From eyes and mouth, in mingled streams, 
Just like the lion on the spout. 

For well poor Bessy knows her mother 
Must lose her tea, for water's lack. 

That Sukey burns — and baby-brother 
Must be dry-rubb'd with huck-a-back 




rLATKS DONE ON STONE. 



415 




THE SPOILED CHILD. 



THE SPOILED CHILD. 



My Aunt ShaUerly was of enormous bulk. I have not done justice 
to her hugeness in my sketch, for my timid pencil declined to hazard a 
sweep at her real dimensions. There is a vastness in the outline, of 
even moderate proportions, till the mass is rounded-off by shadows, 
that makes the hand hesitate, and be apt to stint the figure of its proper 
breadth : how, then, should I have ventured to trace, like mapping in a 
Continent, the surpassing boundaries of my Aunt Shakerly ! — 

What a visage was hers ! — tho cheeks, a pair of Iiemispheres: — her 
neck literally swallowed up by a supplementary chin. Her arm, cased 
in a tight sleeve, was as the bolster, — her body like the feather bed of 
Ware. The waist, which, in other trunks, is an isthmus, was in hers 
only the middle zone of a continuous tract of flesh ; — her ankles over- 
lapped her shoes. 

With such a figure, it may be supposed that her habits were seden- 
tary. — ^When she did walk, the Tower Quay, for the sake of the fresh 
river-breeze, was her favourite resort. But never, in all her water-side 
promenades, was she hailed by the uplifted finger of the Waterman. 
With looks purposely averted he declined, tacitly, such a Fairlopian 
Fair. — The Hackney-coach driver, whilst she halted over against him, 
mustering up all her scanty pufiings for an exclamation, drove off to 
the nether pavement, and pleaded a prior call. The chairman, in 
answer to her signals, had just broken his poles. Thus, her goings 
were cramped within a narrow circle : many thoroughfares, besides, 
being strange to her and inaccessible, such as Thames Street, througlr 



410 THE SPOILED CHILD. 

tlie narrow pavements ; — others, like the Hill of Holborn, — from their 
impracticable steepness. How she was finally to master a more serious 
ascension, (the sensible incumbrance of the flesh clinging to her even in 
her spiritual aspirations) was a matter of her serious despondency — a 
picture of Jacob's Ladder, by Sir F. Bourgeois, confirming her that the 
celestial staircase was without a landing. 

For a person of her elephantine proportions, my Aunt was of a tindly 
nature — for I confess a prejudice against such Giantesses. She was 
cheerful, and eminently charitable to the poor, — although she did not 
condescend to a personal visitation of their very limited abodes. If 
she had a fault, it was in her conduct towards children — not spoiling 
them by often repeated indulgences, and untimely severities, the 
common practice of bad mothers : — it was by a shorter course that the 
latent and hereditary virtues of the infant Shakerly were blasted in 
the bud. — 

Oh, my tender cousin * * ! (for thou wert yet uubaptised.) Oh ! 
would thou had'st been, — my little babe-cousin, — of a savager mother 
born ! — For then, having thee comfortably swaddled, upon a backboard, 
with a hole in it, she would have hung thee up, out of harm's way. 




ROOKING- EM, RIDDliiT BY DAltLlNO. 



above the mantel-shelf, or behind the kitchen-door— whereas, thy 
parent was no savage, and so, having her hands full of other matters, 
she laid thee down, helpless, upon the parlour chair !— 

In the meantime, the " Herald " came,— Next to an easy seat, my 
Aunt_ dearly loved a police newspaper ;— when she had once plunged 
into Its columns, the most vital question obtained from her only a 
random answer ;— the world and the roasting-jack stood equally still.— 
—So, without a second thought, she dropped herself on the nursing chair. 



THE SPOILED CIIlIiD. 



417 




THE HAIR APPARENT TO THE GROWN. 



One little smothered cry — my cousin's last breath, found its way into 
the upper air, — but the still small voice of the reporter engrossed the 
maternal ear. 

My Aunt never skimmed a news- 
paper, according to some people's 
practice. She was as solid a reader 
as a sitter, and did not get up, 
therefore, till she had gone through 
the " Herald " from end to end. 
When she did rise, — which was 
suddenly, — the earth quaked — the 
windows rattled — the ewers plashed 
over — the crockery fell from the 
shelf — and the cat and rats ran out 
together, as they are said to do froin 
a falling house. 

" Heyday! " said my uncle, above 
stairs, as he staggered from the 
concussion — and, with the usual 
curiosity, he referred to his pocket- 
book for the Eoyal Birthday. But the almanack not accounting for the 
explosion, he ran down the stairs, at the heels of the housemaid, and 
there lay my Aunt, stretched on the parlour-floor, in a fit. At the very 
first glimpse, he explained the matter 
to his own satisfaction, in three 
■words — 

" Ah — the apoplexy ! " 

Now the housemaid bad done 
her part to secure him against this 
error, by holding up the dead child ; 
but as she turned the body edge- 
ways, he did not perceive it. When 
he did see it — but I must draw a 
curtain over the parental agony — 



About an hour after the catas- 
trophe, an inquisitive she-neighbour 
called in, and asked if we should 
not have the Coroner to sit on 
the body — : but my uncle replied. 




- There was no need." — " But in 
cases, Mr. Shakerly, where the death is not natural.'' — "My dear 
Madam," interrupted my uncle,- 



' it was a natural death enough." 



SEOOKC S3BIES. 



418 




■'DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU RE OUT? ' 



THE FALL OF THE DEER. 

[feom ax old MS.] 



Now the loud Crye is up, and haiice ! 
The barkye Trees give back the Barli ; 
The House Wife heares the merrie rout, 
And runnes, — and lets the beere run out, 
Leaving her Babes to weepe, — for why ? 
She lilies to heare the Deer Dogges crye, 
And see the wild Stag how he stretches 
The naturall Buck -skin of his Breeches, 
Running like one of Human kind 
Dogged by fleet Baihffes close behind — 
As if he had not payde his Bill 
For Ven'son, or was owing still 
For his two Homes, and soe did get 
Over his Head and Ears in Debt ; — 
"Wherefore he strives to paye his Waye 
With his long Legges the while he niaye :■ 
But he is cliased, like Silver Dish, 
As well as anye Hart may wish 



THE FALL OF THE DEER. 



419 



Except that one whose Heart doth beat 
So faste it hasteneth his feet ; — 
And runninge soe, he holdeth Death 
Four Feet from him, — till his Breath 
Faileth, and slacking Pace at last, 
From runninge slow he standeth faste. 







ARCHER, IX THE EOW'S STRATAGEM. 

With hornie Bayonettes at baye, 
To baying Dogges around, and they 
Pushing him sore, he pusheth sore. 
And goreth them that seek his Gore, — 
Whatever Dogge his Home doth rive 
Is dead — as sure as he's alive ! 
Soe that courageous Hart doth fight 
With Fate, and calleth up his might, 
And standeth stout that he maye fall 
Bravelye, and be avenged of all. 
Nor like a Craven yield his Breath 
Under the Jawes of Dogges and Death ! 




now HAPPY OOTTLD I EE 'WITH EITHER ! 



E E 2 



450 




"TAXE, TAKE THOSE LIPS AWAY 1 



DECEMBER AND MAY. 



' Crabted Age and Youtli cannot live together." — Shakspeark. 



Said Nestor, to his pretty wife, quite sorrowful one day, 
" Why, dearest, will you shed in pearls those lovely eyes away ? 
You ought to be more fortified ; " " Ah, brute, be quiet, do, 
I know I'm not so fortyfied, nor fiftyfied, as you ! 

" Oh, men are vile deceivers all, as I have ever heard. 
You'd die for me you swore, and I- — I took you at your word 
I was a tradesman's widow then — a pretty change I've made ; 
To live, and die the wife of one, a widower by trade ! " 

" Come, come, my dear, these flighty airs declare, in sober truth, 
You want as much in age, indeed, as I can want in youth ; 
Besides, you said you liked old men, though now at me you huff." 
" Why, yes," she said, " and so I do — but you're not old enough ! ' 

" Come, come, my dear, let's make it up, and have a quiet hive • 
I'll be the best of men, — I mean, — I'll be the best alive ! 
Your grieving so will kill me, for it cuts me to the core." — 
" I thank ye, Sir, for telling me — for now I'll grieve the more ! " 




roINTED INDIFFERENCH. 



431 




THE EVENING PATE'^S. 



A WINTER NOSEGAY. 



0, wiTiiER'D winter Blossoms, 
Dowager-flowers, — the December vanity. 
In antiquated visages and bosoms, — 

What are ye plann'd for, 

Unless to stand for 
Emblems, and peevish morals of humanity ? 



There is my Quaker Aunt, 
A Paper-Flower, — with a formal border 

No breeze could e'er disorder. 
Pouting at that old beau — the Winter Chen-}', 

A pucker'd berry ; 
And Box, like a tough-liv'd annuitant, — 

Verdant alway — 
From quarter-day even to quarter-day ; 
And poor old Honesty, as thin as want. 

Well named — God-wot ; 
Under the baptism of the waterpot, 
The very apparition of a plant ; 

And why, 
Dost hold thy head so high, 



429 



A WINTER NOSEGAI 



Old Winter-Daisy ; — ■ 
Because thy virtue never was infirm, 

ilowe'er thy stalk he crazy ? 
That never wanton fly, or blighted worm, 




A WINTER NOSEGAT, 



Made holes in thy most perfect indentation ? 

'Tis likely that sour leaf, 

To garden thief, 
Forcepp'd or wing'd, was never a temptation ; 
Well, — still uphold thy wintry reputation ; 




Still shalt thou frown upon all lovers' trial: 

And when, like Grecian maids, young maids of ours 

Converse with flow'rs. 
Then thou shalt be the token of denial. 



A WINTER NOSEGAY. 



423 



Away ! dull weeds, 
Born without beneficial use or needs ! 
Fit only to deck out cold winding-sheets; 
And then not for the milkmaid's funeral-bloom, 

Or fair Fidele's tomb 

To tantalise, — vile cheats ! 
Some prodigal bee, with hope of after-sweets. 

Frigid, and rigid, 

As if ye never knew 

One drop of dew, 




'■ALL 3N THE DOWKS." 

Or the warm sun resplendent ; 
Indifferent of culture and of care, 
Giving no sweets back to the fostering air. 
Churlishly independent — 
I hate ye, of all breeds ! 
Yea, all that live so selfishly — to self, 
And not by interchange of kindly deeds — 
Hence ! — from my shelf ! 




8T. OEOROE AND THE DRAGON. 



424 



EQUESTEIAN COUETSHIP. 



It was a young maiden went forth to ride, 
And there was a wooer to pace by her side ; 
His horse was so Httle, and liers so high, 
He thought his angel was up in the sky. 

His love was great tho' his wit was small ; 
He bade her ride easy — and that was all. 
The very horses began to neigh, — 
Because their betters had nought to say. 

Tiiey rode by elm, and they rode by oak. 

They rode by a church-yard, and then he spoke : — 

" My pretty maiden, if you'll agree 

You shall always amble through life with me." 

The damsel answer'd him never a word. 

But kiok'd the gray mare, and away she spurr'd. 

The wooer still follow'd behind the jade, 

And enjoy'd — like a wooer — the dust she made. 

They rode thro' moss, and they rode thro' moor, — 

The gallant behind and the lass before : — 

At last they came to a miry place. 

And there the sad wooer gave up the chase 

Quoth he, " If my nag were better to ride, 

I'd follow her over the world so wide. 

Oh, it is not my love that begins to fail, 

But I've lost the last glimpse of the gray mare's tail ! " 




CBOS^a ZKLIU. 



425 




"SUE IS FAR FROM THE LAND." 



"SHE IS FAR FROM THE LAND." 



It has been my fortune, or misfortune, sometimes to witness the dis- 
tresses of females upon shipboard; — that is, in such fresh- victual passages 
as to Eamsgate — or to Leith. How they can contemplate or execute 
those longer voyages, beyond Good Hope's Cape, — even with the 
implied inducements of matrimony, — is one of my standard wonders. 
There is a natural shrinking — a cat-like antipathy — to water, in the 
lady-constitution, — (as the false Argonaut well remembered when he 
shook off Ariadne) — that seems to forbid such sea-adventures. Be- 
twixt a younger daughter, in Hampshire for example, — and a Judge's 
son of Calcutta, there is, apparently, a great gulf fixed : — 

How have I felt, and shuddered, for a timid, shrinking, anxious 
female, full of tremblings as an aspen, — about to set her first foot upon 
the stage — but it can be nothing to a maiden's debut on the deck of an 
East Indiaman. 

Handkerchiefs waviiig — not in welcome, but in farewell, — Crowded 
boxes, — not filled with living Beauty and Fashion — but departing lug- 
gage. Not the mere noisy Gods of the gallery to encounter, — but 
those, more boisterous, of the wind and wave. And then, all before 
her, — the great salt-water Pit ! — 

As I write this, the figure of Miss Oliver rises up before me, — -just 
as she looked on her first introduction, by the Neptune, to the Ocean 
It was her first voyage, — and she made sure would be her last. Her 
storms commenced at Gravesend, — her sea began much higher upr 
She had qualms at Blackwall. At the Nore, she came to the mountain- 
billows of her imagination ; 'for however the ocean may disappoint the 
expectation, from the land, — on ship-board, to the uninitiated, it hath 
all its terrors. — The sailor's capful of wind was to her a North-wester 



d26 



' SHE IS FAR FROM THE LAND. 



Every splash of a wave shocked her, as if each brought its torpedo. 
The loose cordage did not tremble and thrill more to the wind than her 
nerves. At every tack of the vessel,— on all-fours, for she would not 
trust to her own feet, and the outstretched hand of courtesy, — she 
scrambled up to the higher side. Her back ached with straining against 
the bulwark, to preserve her own, and the ship's, perpendicular : — her 
eyes glanced right, left, above, beneath, before, behind — with all the 
alacrity of alarm. She had not organs enough of sight, or hearing, to 
keep watch against all her imagined perils ; her ignorance of nautical 




LONG DIVISION. 



matters, in the meantime, causing her to mistake the real sea-dangers 
for subjects of self-congratulation. It delighted her to understand that 
there were barely three fathoms of water between the vessel and the 
ground; — her notion had been, that the whole sea was bottomless. — 
When the ship struck upon the sand, and was left there high and dry by 
ihe tide, her pleasure was, of course, complete. " We could walk 
about," she said, "and pick up shells." I believe, she would have been 
as well contented, if our Neptune had been pedestalled upon a rock ; — 
deep water and sea-room were the only subjects of her dread. When 
the vessel, therefore, got afloat again, the old terrors of the landswoman 
returned upon her with their former force. All possible marine difii- 
culties and disasters were huddled, like an auction medley, in one lot, 
into her apprehension : — 

Cables entanghug her, 
Shipspars for mangling her, 
Ropes, sure of strangling her ; 
Blocks over-dangling her ; 
Tiller to batter her. 
Topmast to shatter her. 
Tobacco to spatter her ; 
Boreas blustering, 
Boatswain quite flustering. 
Thunder clouds mustering 



" SHE IS FAR FKOM THE LAKD.' 

To blast her with sulphur — 
If the deep don't engulph her; 
Sometimes fear's scrutiny 
Pries out a mutiuy, 
Sniffs conflagration, 
Or hints at starvation : — 
All the sea-dangers, 
Buccaneers, rangers, 



427 




"WHAT WILL THE PEERS DO NEXT? 



Pirates, and Sallee-men, 
Algerine galleymen, 
Tornadoes and typhons, 
And horrible syphons. 
And submarine travels 
Thro' roaring sea-navels ; 
Every thing wrong enough. 
Long-boat not long enough, 
Vessel not strong enough ; 
Pitch marring frippery. 
The deck very slippery, 
And the cabin — built sloping, 
The Captain a-toping. 
And the Mate a blasphemer, 
That names his Redeemer, — 



438 



' SHE IS B'AR FBOM THE LAND. 



With inward uneasiness ; 
The coolf, known by greasineas, 
The victuals beslubber'd, 
Her bed — in a cupboard ; 




. DUTCH CODDLING. 



Things of strange christening, 
Snatch'd in her listening, 
Blue lights and red lights 
And mention of dead lights. 
And shrouds made a theme of, 
Things horrid to dream of, — 
And buoys in the water 
To fear all exhort her ; 
Her friend no Leander, 
Herself no sea gander, 
And ne'er a cork jacket 
On board of the packet ; 
The breeze still a stiffening. 
The trumpet quite deafening ; 
Thoughts of repentance, 
And doomsday and sentence ; 
Every thing sinister, 
Not a church minister, — 
Pilot a blunderer, 



" SHE IS FAE FBOM THE LAND. 

Coral reefs under her, 
Ready to sunder bar ; 
Trunks tipsy-topsy, 
The ship in a dropsy ; 
Waves oversurging her, 
Syrens a-dirgeing her ; 
Sharks all expecting her, 
Sword-fish dissecting her, 
Crabs with their hand-vices 
Punishing land vices ; 
Sea-dogs and unicorns. 
Things with no puny horns, 
Mermen carnivorous — • 
" Good Lord deliver us I " 



429 




•• SEE ME, SKATE I " 



The rest of the voyage was occupied, — excepting one bright interval, 
— with the sea malady and sea-horrors. We were off Flamborough 
Head. A heavy swell, the consequence of some recent storm to the 
Eastward, was rolling right before the wind upon the land : — and, once 
under the shadow of the bluff promontory, we should lose all the advan. 
tage of a saving Westerly breeze. Even the seamen looked anxious : 
but the passengers (save one) were in despair. They were, already, 
bones of contention, in their own misgivings, to the myriads of cormo 



430 



EPIGHAM. 



rants and water-fowl inhabiting that stupendous cliff. Miss Oliver alone 
was sanguine : — she was all nods, and becks, and wreathed smiles ; — 
her cheeriness increased in proportion with our dreariness. Even the 
dismal pitching of the vessel could not disturb her unseasonable levity ; 
— it was like a lightening before death — but, at length, the mystery 
was explained. She had springs of comfort that we knew not of. Not 
brandy, — for that we shared in common; — nor supplications, — for those 
we had all applied to; — T)ut her ears, being jealously vigilant of what- 
ever passed between the mariners, she had overheard from the captain, 
— and it had all the sound, to her, of a comfortable promise, — that " if 
the wind held, we should certainly go on shore." 




' MY NATDRE IS SUBDUKD TO AVHAT IT W0BK3 IN," 
FANCY PORTRAIT. — DEMON. 



EPIGRAM. 

ON LIEUTENANT EYRE'S NABRATIVE OP THE DISASTERS AT CABUI,. 



A SORRV tale, of sorry plans, 
Which this conclusion grants. 
That Affghan clans had all the Ehaus 
And we had all the can'ts 




NAVY STOCK. 



431 




'0 ! there's XOTIIIN'G HALl!- £0 SWEET IN LIFE," 



FANCIES ON A TEA-GUP. 



I LOVE to pore upon old cliina — and to speculate, from the images, 
on Cathay. I caa fancy that the Chinese manners betray themselves, 
like the drunkard's, in their cups. — 

How quaintly pranked and patterned is their vessel ! — exquisitely 
outlandish, yet not barbarian. — How daintily transparent ! — It should 
be no vulgar earth, that produces that superlative ware, nor does it so 
seem in the enamell'd landscape. 

There, are beautiful birds ; there — rich flowers and gorgeous butter- 
flies, and a delicate clime, if we may credit the porcelain. There be 
also horrible monsters, dragons, with us obsolete, and reckoned fabulous ; 
the main breed, doubtless, having followed Fohi (our Noah), in his 
wanderings thither from the Mount Ararat. — But how does tliat 
impeach the loveliness of Cathay ? — There are such creatures even in 
Fairyland. 

I long often to loiter in those romantic Paradises— studded with 
pretty temples — holiday pleasure-grounds — the true Tea-Gardens. I 
like those meandering waters, and the abounding little islands. 

And here is a Chinese nurse-maid, — Ho-Fi, chiding a fretful little 
Pekin child. The urchin hath just such another toy, at the end of a 
string, as might be purchased at our own Mr. Dunnett's. It argues an 
advanced state of civilisation, where the children have many playthings ; 
and the Chinese infants — witness their flying fishes and whirligigs, 
sold by the stray natives about our streets — are far-gone in such 
juvenile luxuries. 

But here is a better token. — -The Chinese are a polite people : for 



i-6-2 



FANCIES ON A TEA-CUP 




STORKS AND LEAVES. 



they do not make hougehold, much less husbandry, drudges of their 
wives. You may read the women's fortune in their tea-cups. In nine 
cases out of ten, the female is busy only in the lady-like toils of the 

toilette. Lo ! here, how sedulously 
the blooming Hy-son is pencilling 
the mortal arches, and curving 
the cross-bows of her eye-brows. 
A musical instrument, her se- 
condary engagement, is at her 
almost invisible feet. Are such 
little extremities likely to be 
tasked with laborious offices ? — 
Marry, in kicking, they must be 
ludicrously impotent, — but then 
she hath a formidable growth of 
nails. 

By her side, the obsequious 
Hum is pouring his soft flat- 
teries into her ear. When she 
walketh abroad, (here it is on 
another sample) he shadeth her 
at two miles off with his umbrella. It is like an allegory of Love 
triumphing over space. The lady is walking upon one of those frequent 

petty islets, on a plain, as if of por- 
celain, without any herbage, only a 
solitary flower springs up, seemingly 
by enchantment, at her fairy-like 
foot. The watery space between the 
lovers is aptly left as a blank, ex- 
cepting her adorable shadow, which 
is tending towards her slave. 

How reverentially is yon urchin 
presenting his flowers to the Grey- 
beard ! So honourably is age con- 
sidered in China ! There would be 
some sense, there, in birth-day cele- 
brations. 

Here, in another compartment, is 
a solitary scholar, apparently study- 
ing the elaborate didactics of Con- 
Fuse-Ye. 

The Chinese have, veril)', the ad- 
vantage of us upon earthenware ! 
as lovers, contemplatists, philosophers : — 
whereas, to judge from our jugs and mugs, we are nothing but sheepish 
piping shepherds and fo.x-hunters. 




TUE SAHACEN's head. 



They trace themselves 



483 



^•^^ jir:- i 




THE NK-if KIVEPv HEAD, 



WALTON EEDIVIVUS. 



A KE^V-r.ITEE ECLOGUE. 



" Jly old New Elver hath presented no extraordinary novelties lately. But there 
Hope sits, day after day, speculating on traditionary gudgeons. I think she hath 
taken the Fisheries. I now know the reasons why our forefathers were denominated 
East and West Angles. Yet is there no lack of spawn, for I wash my hands in fishets 
that come through the pump, every morning, thick as motelings — little things that 
perish untimely, and never taste the brook." — From a Letter of C. Lamh, 



rriscator is fishing, — near the Sir Hugh Middleton's Head, witliout either a has.ket or 
can. Viator cometh up to him, with an angling-rod and a hottle.] 

Via. Good morrow, Master Piscator. Is there any sport afloat? 

Pis. I have not been here time enough to answer for it. It is barely 
two hours agone since I put in. 

Via. The fishes are shj'er in this stream than in any water that I 
know. 

Pis. I have fished here a whole Whitsuntide through widntt a 
nibble. But then the weather was not so excellent as todiiy. This 
nice shower will set the gudgeons all agape. 

Via. I am impatient to begin. 

Pis. Do you fish with gut ? 

Via. No — I bait with gentles. 

SECOND SERIES, .. j. 



.131 



WALTON EKDIVJVnS. 



Pis. It is a good taking bait : though my question referred to the 
nature of your line. Let me see your tackle. Why this is no line, but 
a ship's cable. It is a six-twist. There is nothing in this water but 
you may pull out with a single hair. 

Via. What, are there no dace, nor perch ? — 

Pis. I doubt not but there have been such fish here, in former ages. 
But now-a-days there is nothing of that size. They are gone extinct, 
like the mammoths. 

Via. There was always such a fishing at 'em. Where there was one 
Angler in former times, there is now a hundred 

Pis. A murrain on 'em ! — A New-River fish, now-a-days, cannot take 
his common swimming exercise without hitching on a hook. 

Via. It is the natural course of things, for man's populousness to 

terminate other breeds. As the 
proverb says " The more Scotch- 
men the fewer herrings." It 
is curious to consider the family 
of whales growing thinner ac- 
cording to the propagation of 
parish lamps. 

Pis. Ay, and withal, how the 
race of man, who is a terres- 
trial animal, should have been 
in the greatest jeopardy of ex- 
tinction by the element of water ; 
whereas the whales, living in 
the ocean, are most liable to be 
burnt out. 

Via. It is a pleasant specula- 
tion. But bow is this? — I 
thought to have brought my 
gentles comfortably in an old 
snuff-box, but they are all stark 

A r.ETROSl'ECTlVE IIEVIE\V. doud ! 

Pis. The odour hath killed 
them. There is nothing more mortal than tobacco, to all kinds of 
vermin. Wherefore, a new box will be indispensable, though, for my 
own practice I prefer my waistcoat pockets for their carriage. Pray 
mark this : — and in the meantime I will lend you some worms 

Via. I am much beholden : and when you come to Long Acre, I will 
faithfully repay you. But, look you, my tackle is still amiss, My float 
will not swim. 

Pis. It is no miracle — for here is at least a good ounce of swau-shots 
upon your line. It is over-charged with leaii. 

Via. I confess, I am only used to killing sparrows, and such small 
fowls, out of the back-casement. But my ignorance shall make me the 
more thankful for your help and instruction.. 

Pis. There. The fault is amended. And now, observe, — you must 




WAT/rox r.EDivivus. 



435 



watch your float very narrowly, without even an eye-wiuk another way ; 
— for, otherwise, you may overlook the only nibble throughout the day. 

Via. I have a bite already !— my float is going up and down like a 
ship at sea. 

Pis. No. It is only that house-maid dipping in her bucket, whicli 
causes the agitation you perceive. 'Tis a shame so to interrupt tho 
honest Angler's diversion. It 
would be but a judgment of 
God, now, if the jade should 
fall in ! 

Via. But I would have her 
only drowned for some brief 
twenty minutes or so — and then 
restored again by the Surgeons. 
And yet I have doubts of the 
lawfulness of that dragging of 
souls back again, that have 
taken their formal leaves. In 
my conscience, it seems like 
flying against the laws of pre- 
destination. 

Pis. It is a doubtful point ;, 
for, on the other hand, I have 
heard of some that were revived 
into life by the Doctors, and 
came afterwards to he hanged. " ™^' ^ °'"'"^-' ^""'^ ' ' 

Via. Marry ! 'tis pity such knaves' lungs were ever puff'd up again ! 
It was good tobacco-smoke ill wasted! Oh, how pleasant, now, is this 
angling, which furnishes us with matter for such agreeable discourse ! 





BALLS i'0;.'D, 



Surely, it is well called a contemplative recreation, for I never had half 
so many thoughts before ! 

Pis. I am glad you relish it so well. 

Via. I will take a summer lodging hereabouts, to be near the stream. 

r p 2 



4313 



WALTON nuDivivus, 



IIow pleasant is this solitude ! There are but fourteen a-fisbing here, 
— and of those but few men. 

Pis. And wo sliall be still more lonely on the other side of the City 
Road. — Come, let's across. Nay, we will put in our lines lower down. 
'I'here was a butcher's wife dragged for, at this bridge, in the last 
week. 

Via. Have you, indeed, any qualms of tliat kind ? 
Pis. No — but, hereabouts, 'tis likely the gudgeons will be gorged. 

Now, we are far enougli. 
f\ Yonder is the row of Cole- 

brooke. What a balmy 
wholesome gust is blowing 
over to us from the cow-lair. 
Via. For my part I smell 
nothing but dead kittens — 
for here lies a whole brood 
in soak. Would you believe 
it, — to my phantasy, the 
nine days' blindness of these 
creatures smacks somewhat 
of a type of the human 
pre- existence. Methinks, I 
have bad myself such a mys- 
terious being, before I be- 
held the light. My dreams 
hint at it. A sort of world 
before eyesight. 

Pi's. I have some dim 
sympathy with your mean- 
ing. At the Creation, thei-e 
piscATon. ^^^^* sucii a kind of blind- 

mau's-buff work. The atoms 
jostled together, before there was a revealing sun. But are we not 
fishing too deep ? 

Via. I am afeard on't ! Would we had a plummet ! We shall catch 
weeds. 

Pis. It would be well to fish thus at the bottom, if we were fisliiiig 
for flounders in the sea. But there, you must have forty fathom, or so, 
of stout line; and then, with your fish at the end, it will be the boy's 
old pastime carried into another element. I assure you, 'tis like 
swimming a kite ! 

Via. It should be pretty sport— but hush ! Mj cork has just made 
a bob. It is diving under the water !— Holla 1—1 have catch 'd a fish 1 

Pis. Is it a great one ? 

Via. Purely, a huge one ! Shall I put it into the bottle ? 

Pis. It will be well, — and let there be a good measure of water, too, 
lest he scorch against the glass. 

17a. How slippery and shining it is !— Ah, he is gone ! 




WALTON r.EDlVIVUS. 



437 




'now then, "WHAT ARE YOU HAT?" 



Pis. You are not used to the handling of a New River fish!— and, 
indeed, very few be. But hath he altogether escaped ? 

Via. No ; I have his chin 
here, which I was obliged to 
tear off, to get away my hook. 

Pis. Well, let him go: — it 
would be labour wasted to 
seek for him amongst this 
rank herbage. 'Tis the com- 
monest of Anglers' cr'osses. 

Via. I am comforted to con- 
sider he did rot fall into the 
water again, as he was without 
a mouth, — and might have 
pined for years. Do you think 
there is any cruelty in our 
Art? 

Pis. As for other methods 
of taking fish, I cannot say : 
but I think none in the hook- 
ing of them. — For, to look at 
the gills of a fish, with those manifiold red leaves, like a housewife's 
needle-book, they are admirably adapted to our purpose ; and manifestly 
intended by Nature to stick our steel in. 

Via. I am glad to have the question so comfortably resolved, — for, in 
truth, I have had some mis- 
givings.— Now, look how dark 
the water grows ! There is 
another shower towards. 

Pis. Let it come down and 
welcome. I have only my 
working-day clothes on. Sun- 
day coats spoil holidays. Let 
every thing hang loose, and 
time too will sit easy. 

Via. I hke your philosophy. 
In this world, we are the fools 
of restraint. We starch oui- 
rufifs till they cut us under the 
ear. 

Pis. How pleasant it would 
be to discuss these sentiments 
over a tankard of ale ! — I 
have a simple bashfulness 
against going into a public 

tavern, but I think we could dodge into the Castle, without being much 
seen. 

Vin. And T have a sort of shuddering about me, that is Willmg to go 




' EA3T DOES IT 1 



438 EPIGRAM, 

more frankly in. Let us put up, then. — By my halidom ! here is a 
httle dead fish hanging at my hook : — and yet I never felt him bite. 

Pis. 'Tis only a little week-old gudgeon, and he had not strength 
enough to stir the cork. However, we may say boldly, that we have 
caught a fish. 

Via. Nay, I have another here, in my bottle. He was sleeping on 
his back at the top of the water, and I got him out nimbly with the 
hollow of my hand. 

Pis. We have caught a brace then ;— besides the great one that was 
lost amongst the grass. I am glad on't, for we can bestow them upon 
some poor hungry person in our way home. It is passable good sport 
for the place. 

Via. I am satisfied it must be called so. But the next time I coma 
hither, I shall bring a reel with me, and a ready-made minnow, for I 
am certain there must be some marvellous huge pikes here; they 
always make a scarcity of other fish. However, I have been bravely 
entertained, and, at the first holiday, I will como to it again. 



EPIGRAM. 



Three traitors, Oxford — Francis — Bean, 

Have miss'd their wicked aim ; 
And may all shots against the Queen, 

In future do the same : 
For why, I mean no turn of wit, 

But seriously insist, 
That if Her Majesty were hit, 

No one would be so miss'd. 




-Ti^O* 



439 




"CE aUSTIBUS irON EST DISPUTANDUa.' 



THE SEA-SPELL. 



" Caulcl, cauld, he lies beneath the deep." — Old &o!c/t Ballad. 



It was a jolly mariner ! 

The tallest man of three, — 

He loosed his sail against the wind, 

And turned his boat to sea : 

The ink-black sky told every eye. 

A storm was soon to be ! 

But still that jolly mariner 

Took in no reef at all, 

For, in his pouch, confidingly. 

He wore a baby's caul ; 

A thing, as gossip-nurses know. 

That always brings a squall ! 

His hat was new, — or newly glnz'd 

Shone brightly in the sun ; 

His jacket, like a mariner's, 

True blue as e'er was spun ; 

His ample trowsers, like Saint Paul, 

Bore forty stripes save one. 



440 



THE SEA-SPEIX. 

And now the fretliug foaming tide 

He steer'd away to cross ; 

The bounding pinnace play'd a game 

Of dreary pitch and toss ; 

A game that, on tlie good dry laud, 

Is apt to bring a loss ! 

Good Heaven befriend that little loat, 

And guide her on her -way ! 

A boat, they say, has canvas \Ying3, 

Eut cannot fly away ! 

Though, like a merry singing-bird. 

She sits upon the spray ! 




FAULTS ON EOTU SIDES. 



Still cast by south the little boat, 

AVith tawny sail, kept beating : 

Now out of sight, between two waves, 

Now o'er th' horizon fleeting: 

Like greedy swine that feed on mast,- 

The waves her mast seem'd eatins ! 



The sullen sky grew black above, 

The waves as black beneath ; 

Each roaring billow show'd full soon 

A white and foamy wreath ; 

Like angry dogs thaf^snarl at first. 

And then display their teeth. 



THE SfiA-SfELf.. 

The boatman looked against the winj, 

The mast began to creak, 

Tlie wave, per saltum, came anil dricti, 

In salt, upon his cheek ! 

The pointed wave against him rear'J, 

As if it own'd a pique ! 



4-il 




BLACK ilOXDAV, 



Nor rushing wind, nor gushing wave. 

That boatman could alarm, 

But still he stood away to sea, 

And trusted in his charm ; 

He thought by purchase he was safi;. 

And arm'd against all harm ! 



Now thick and fast and far aslant. 
The stormy rain came pouring, 
He heard, upon the sandy bank, 
The distant breakers roaring, — 
A groaning intermitting sound. 
Like Gog and lUagog snoring! 

The sea-fowl shriek'd around the mast, 

Ahead the grampus tumbled, 

And far off, from a copper clou J, 

The hollow thunder rumbled ; 

It would have quail'd another heart. 

But his was never humbled. 



442 



THE SEASPELI,. 



For wlij'? lie had that infant's caul; 
And wherefore should he dread ? 
Alas ! alas ! he little thought, 
Before the ebb-tide sped, — 
That like that infant, he should die, 
And with a watery head ! 

The rushing brine flowed in apace ; 

His boat had ne'er a deck; 

Fate seem'd to call him on, and he 

Attended to her beck ; 

And so he went, still trusting on. 

Though reckless— to his wreck ! 




" A PAm 13 GREATER THAK THE HOLE." 



For as he left his helm, to heave 

The ballast-bags a-weather, 

Three monstrous seas come roarin" on, 

Like lions leagued together 

Tiie two first waves the little boat 

Swam over like a feather. — 

The two first waves were past and gone, 
And sinking in her wake ; 



THE SEA-SPELL. 



443 



The hugest still came leaping on, 
And hissing like a snake ; 
Now helm a-lee ! for through the midst, 
The monster he must take ! 




A WATERIWO-PLACE. 



Ah, me ! it was a dreary mount! 
Its base as black as night, 
Its top of pale and livid green. 
Its crest of awful white. 
Like Neptune with a leprosy, — 
And so it rear'd upright ! 

With quaking sails, the little boat 
Climb'd up the foaming heap ; 
With quaking sails it paused awhile, 
At balance on the steep ; 
Then rushing down the nether slope. 
Plunged with a dizzy sweep ! 

Look, how a horse, made mad with fear, 

Disdains his careful guide ; 

So now the headlong headstrong boat, 

Unmanaged turns aside, 

And straight presents her reeling flank 

Against the swelling tide ! 



4U 



nils SliA-SDLLL 



Tlie gusty wind assaults the sail ; 
Her ballast lies a-lee ! 
The sheet's to windward taut and stiff! 
Oh ! the Lively — where is she? 
Her capsiz'd keel is in the foam, 
ller pennon's in the sea ! 




FAITU, HOPE, AND CUAKIIV. 

The wild gull, sailing overhead, 
Three times beheld emerge 
The head of that bold mariner, 
And then she screamed his dirge 
For he had sunk within his grave, 
Lapp'd in a shroud of surge ! 

The ensuing wave, with horrid foam, 
Iiush'd o'er and covered all, — 
The jolly boatman's drowning scream 
Was smother'd by the squall, — 
rieaven never heard his crj', nor did 
The ocean lieed his caul. 




OS TUE DABT 



4-13 



CSE^i: 




" Djw tuciiy, BILL, we'ke D1' iieue 1 ' 



A NEW LIFE PEE SERVER. 



' ' Of liair-treadtli 'scapes." — Othello. 



I HAVJi read somewhere of a Traveller, who carried with him a brace 
of pistols, a carbine, a cutlass, a dagger, and an umbrella, but was 
indebted for his preservation to the umbrella : it grappled with a bush, 
when he was rolling over a precipice. In like manner, my friend 

W , though armed with a sword, rifle, and hunting-knife, owed his 

existence to his wig ! 

He was specimen-hunting (for W is a first-rate naturalist), some 

where in the backwoods of America, when, happening to light upon a 
dense covert, there sprang out upon him, — not a panther or catamoun 
tain, — but, with a terrible whoop and yell, a wild Indian, — one of a tribe 

then hostile to our settlers. W 's gun was mastered in a twinkling, 

himself stretched on the earth, the barbarous Icnife, destined to make him 
balder than Granby's celebrated Marquis, leaped eagerly from its sheath. 

Conceive the horrible weapon making its preliminary flourishes and 
circumgyrations ; the savage features, made savager by paint and ruddle, 
working themselves up to a demoniacal crisis of triumphant malignity ; 
his red right hand clutching the shearing knife ; his left the frizzled 
top-knot ; and then, the artificial scalp coming off in the Jlohawk grasp I 

W says the Indian catchpole was, for some moments, motionless, 

with surprise : recovering, at last, he dragged his captive along, through 
brake and jungle, to the encampment. A peculiar whoop soon brought 
the whole horde to the spot. The Indian addressed them with 



•110 A NEW LIFE TRESERVER. 

vehoment gestures, in the course of which, W was again thrown 

down, the knife again performed its circuits, and the whole transaction 
was pantomimically described. All Indian sedateness and restraint 
were overcome. The assembly made every demonstration of wonder ; 
and the wig was fitted on, rightly, askew, and hind part before, by a 
hundred pair of red hands. Captain Gulliver's glove was not a greater 
puzzle to the Hounhyhnms, From the men, it passed to the squaws ; 

and from them, down to the least of the urchins ; W 's head, in 

the meantime, frying in a midsummer sun. At length the phenomenon 
returned into the hands of the chief — a venerable grey-beard: he 
examined it afresh, very attentively, and, after a long deliberation, 
maintained with true Indian silence and gravity, made a speech in his 
own tongue, that procured for the anxious trembling captive very 
unexpected honours. In fact, the whole tribe of women and warriors 
danced round him, with such unequivocal marks of homage, that even 

W comprehended that he was not intended for sacrifice. He was 

then carried in triumph to their wigwams ; his body daubed with their 
body-colours of the most honourable patterns ; and he was given to 
understand, that he might choose any of their marriageable maidens for 
a squaw. Availing himself of this privilege, and so becoming, by 
degrees, more a proficient in their language, he learned the cause of 
this extraordinary respect. — It was considered, that he had been a great 
warrior ; that he had, by mischance of war, been overcome and tufted; 
but, that, whether by valour or stratagem, each equally estimable amongst 
the savages, he had recovered his liberty and his scalp. 

As long as W kept his own counsel, he was safe ; but trusting 

liis Indian Dalilah with the secret of his locks, it soon got wind amongst 
the squaws, and, from them, became known to the warriors and chiefs. 
A solemn sitting was held at midnight, by the chiefs, to consider the 
propriety of knocking the poor wig-owner on the head; but he had 
received a timely hint of their intention, and, when the tomahawks 
sought for him, he was on his way, with his Life-preserver, towards a 
British settlement. 




rixry roriTRA'T —CAPTAIN ITEin, 



447 




SERJEANT aiEREWETllER. 



FANCY POETRAITS. 



Many authors preface tlioir -works witli a portrait, and it saves the 
reader a deal of speculation. The world loves to know something of 
the features of its favourites ; — it likes the Geniuses to appear bodily, 
as well as the Genii. We may estimate the liveliness of this curiosity, 
by the abundance of portraits, masks, busts, china and plaster casts, 
that are extant, of great or would-be great people. As soon as a gentle- 





XU. BOWLES. 



ANACUEON JUNIOK. 



man has proved, in print, that he really has a head, — a score of artists 
be^in to brush at it. The literary lions have no pence to their manes. 



448 



FANCY POETKAITS. 



Sir Walter is eternally sitting like Theseus to some painter or other; 
— and the late Lord Byron threw out more heads before he died thaii 
Hydra. The first novel of ilr. Gait had barely been announced in the 
second edition, when he was requested to allow himself to be taken "in 
one minute;" — Mr. Geoffrey Crayon was no sooner known to be Mr. 

Washington Irving, than he was waited 
upon with a sheet of paper and a pair of 
scissors. The whole world, in fact, is 
one Lavater : — it likes to find its preju- 
dices confirmed by the Hook nose of the 
Author of Sayings and Doings — or the 
lines and angles in the honest face of 
Izaak Walton. It is gratified in dwell- 
ing on the repulsive features of a New- 
gate ordinary; and would be disappointed 
to miss the seraphic expression on the 
Author of the Angel of the World. The 
Old Bailey jurymen are physiognomists 
to a fault ; and if a rope can transform a 
malefactor into an Adonis, a hard gallows 
face as often brings the malefactor to the 
rope. A low forehead is eiMugh to bring 
down its head to the dust. A well- 
favoured man meets with good counte- 
nance ; but when people are plain and 
hard-featured (like the poor, for instance,) we grind their faces ; an 
expression, I am convinced, that refers to the physiognomical theory 




THE DAED OF llOPH 




For my part, I confess a sympathy with the common failing. I take 
likings and disUkings, as some play music, — at sight. The polar 
attractions and repulsions insisted on by the phrenologist, affect me not; 
but I am not proof against a pleasant or villainous set of features. 



FANCY PORTEAITS. 



449 



Sometimes, I own, I am led by the tiose, (not my own, but that of the 
other party) — in my prepossessions. 

My curiosity does not object to the disproportionate number of 
portraits in the annual exhibition, — nor grudge the expense of engraving 
a gentleman's head and shoulders. 
Lilce Judith, and the daughter of 
Herodias, I have a taste for a 
head in a plate, and accede cheer- 
fully to the charge of the charger. 
A book without a portrait of the 
author, is worse than anonymous. 
As in a church-yard, you may look 
on any number of ribs and shin- 
bones, as so many sticks merely, 
without interest ; but if there should chance to-be a skull near hand, 
it claims the relics at once, — so it is with the author's head-piece in 
front of his pages. The portrait claims the work. The Ai'cadia, for 
instance, I know is none of mine — it belongs to that young fair 
gentleman, in armour, with a ruff. 

So necessary it is for me to have an outward visible sign of the 




THE AUTHOR OF EUOAD GRIKS. 




inward spiritual poet or philosopher, that in default of an authentic 
resemblance, I cannot help forging for him an efBgy in my mind's eye, 
a Fancy portrait. A few examples of contemporaries I have sketched 
down, but my collection is far from complete. 

How have I longed to glimpse, in fancy, the Great Unknown !— the 

SECOND SEMES. ° ° 



450 



FANCX POETBAITS. 



Roc of Literature ! — but he keeps his head, lilie Ben j-iomond, enveloped 
in a cloud. How have I sighed for a beau ideal of the author of 
Christabel, and the Ancient Marinere ! — but I have been mocked with 
a dozen images, confusing each other, and indistinct as water is in 
water. My only clear revelation was a pair of Hessian boots, highly 
polished, or what the ingenious Mr. Warren would denominate his 
" Aids to Reflection ! " 

I was more certain of the figure at least of Dr. Kitchener, (p. 510) 
though I had a misgiving about his features, which made me have 

recourse to a substitute for his head. 
Moore's profile struck me over a bottle 
after dinner, and the countenance of Mr. 
Bowles occurred to me as in a mirror, — 
by a tea-table suggestion ; Colman's at the 
same service ; — and Mr. Orabbe entered 
my mind's eye with the supper. But the 
Bard of Hope — the Laureate of promise 
and expectation, — occurred to me at no 
meal-time. We all know how Hope feeds 
her own. 

I had a lively image of the celebrated 
Denon, in a Midnight dream (p. 430) and 
made out the full length of the juvenile 
Graham, from a hint of Mr. Hilton's. 

At a future season I hope to complete 
my gallery of Fancy-Portraits. 




THE OULD GENTLEMAN. 




BAMMOHUN ROY. 



451 




PANDEANS, 



A BALLAD SINGEE 

Is a town crier for the advertising of lost tunes. Hunger hath made 
him a wind instrument : his want is vocal, and not he. His voice had 
gone a-begging before he took it up and applied it to the same trade ; 
it was too strong to hawk mackarel, but was just soft enough for Eobin 
Adair. His business is to make popular songs unpopular, — he gives 
the air, like a weather-cock, with many variations. As for a key, he 
has but one — a latch-key — for all manner of tunes ; and as they are to 
pass current amongst the lower sorts of people, he makes his notes like 
a country banker's, as thick as he can. His tones have a copper sound, 
for he sounds for copper; and for the musical divisions he hath no 
regard, but sings on, like a kettle, without taking any heed of the bars. 
Before beginning he clears his pipe with gin ; and he is always hoarse 
from the thorough draught in his throat. He hath but one shake, and 
that is in winter. His voice sounds flat, from flatulence ; and he 
fetches breath, like a drowning kitten, whenever he can. Notwith- 
standing all this his music gains ground, for it walks with him from 
end to end of the street. 

He is your only performer that requires not many entreaties for a 
Bong; for he will chaunt, without asking, to a street cur or a parish 
post. His only backwardness is to a stave after dinner, seeing that he 
never dines ; for he sings for bread, and though corn has ears, sings 
very commonly in vain. As for his country, he is an Englishman, that 
by his birthright may sing whether he can or not. To conclude, he is 
reckoned passable in the city, but is not so good off the stones. 



453 




'OIN A BODY MEET A BODY. 



MAEY'S GHOST. 



A PATHETIC BALLAD. 



'Twas in tbe middle of the niglit, 
To sleep young William tried, 

When Mary's ghost came stealing in, 
And stood at his hed-side. 

William dear ! William dear ! 
My rest eternal ceases ; 

Alas ! my everlasting peace 
Is broken into pieces. 

1 thought the last of all my cares 
Would end with my last minute ; 

But tho' I went to my long home, 
I didn't stay long in it. 

The body-snatchers they have come, 
And made a snatch at me ; 

It's very hard them kind of men 
Won't let a body be ! 



You thought that I was buried deep, 
Quite decent like and chary. 

But from her grave in Mary-bone 
They've come and boned your ]\Iary 



maot's ghost. 453 

The arm that used to take your arm 

Is took to Dr. Vyse ; 
And both my legs are gone to walk 

The hospital at Guy's. 

I vow'd that you should have my hand, 

But fate gives us denial ; 
You'll find it there, at Doctor Bell's, 

In spirits and a phial. 

As for my feet, the little feet 

You used to call so pretty, 
There's one, I know, in Bedford Row, 

The t'other's iu the city. 

I can't tell where my head is gone. 

But Doctor Carpue can : 
As for my trunk, it's all pack'd up 

To go by Pickford's van. 

I wish you'd go to Mr. P. 

And save me such a ride ; 
I don't half like the outside place, 
They've took for my inside. 

The cock it crows — I must be gone ! 

My William, we must part ! 
But I'll be your's in death, altho' 

Sir Astley has my heart. 

Don't go to weep upon my grave. 

And think that there I be ; 
They haven't left an atom there 

Of my anatomic. 




Mvay DOi'T Tou get up beiiixd?" 



464 




STUDY OF A HEAD. — CARLO DOLCE, 



THE PEOGEESS OF AET. 



HAPPY time ! Art's early days ! 

When o'er each deed, with sweet self-praise. 

Narcissus-like I hung ! 
When great Rembrandt hut little seem'd, 
And such Old Masters all were deem'd 

As nothing to the youug ! 

Some scratchy strokes — abrupt and few, 
So easily and swift I drew, 

SuiSo'd for my design ; 
My sketchy, superficial hand, 
Drew solids at a dash — and spann'd 

A surface with a line. 



Not long my eye was thus content. 
But grew more critical — my bent 

Bssay'd a higher walk ; 
I copied leaden eyes in lead — 
Eheutnatio hands in white and red. 

And gouty feet — in chalk. 



THE PBOGEESS OF ART, 

Anou my studious art for days 
Kept making faces — happy phrase, 

For faces such as mine I 
Accomplish'd in the details then, 
I left the minor parts of men, 

And drew the form divine 

Old Gods and Heroes — Trojan— Greelc 
Figures — long after the antique, 

Great Ajax justly fear'd ; 
Hectors, of whom at night I dreamt 
And Nestor, friug'd enough to tempt 

Bird-uesters to his beard 



455 




INFANT GENIUS. 



A Bacchus, leering on a bowl, 
A Pallas, that out-star'd her owl, 

A Vulcan — very lame ; 
A Dian stuck about with stars ; 
With my right hand I murder'd Mars 

(One Williams did the same.) 



But tir'd of this dry work at last, 
Crayon and chalk aside I cast. 

And gave my brush a drink ! 
Dipping — " as when a painter dips 
In gloom of earthquake and eclipse,"- 

That is — in Indian ink. 



436 THE PKOGBESS OF ART. 

Oh then, what black Mont Blanos arose, 
Crested with soot, and not with snows : 

What clouds of dingy hue ! 
In spite of what the bard has penn'd, 
I fear the distance did not " lend 

Enchantment to the view." 

Not Eadclyffe's brush did e'er design 
Black Forests, half so black as mine, 

Or lakes so like a pall ; 
The Chinese cake dispers'd a ray 
Of darkness, like the light of Day 

And Martin over all. 







"TOGETUiill LET US RANGE TUE FIELDS." 

Yet urchin pride sustain'd me still, 
I gazed on all with right good will, 

And spread the dingy tint ; 
" No holy Luke help'd me to paint, 
The devil surely, not a Saint, 

Had any finger iu't ! " 

But colours came ! — like morning light, 
AVilh gorgeous hues displacing night. 

Or Spring's enliven'd scene ; 
At once the sable shades withdrew ; 
My skies got very, very blue ; 

My trees extremely green. 



THE PnOQEESS OF AM 



457 



And wash'd by my cosmetic brush, 
IIow Beauty's cheek began to blush : 

With lock of auburn stain — 
(Not Goldsmith's Auburn) — nut-brown hair, 
That made her loveliest of the fair ; 

Not " loveliest of the plain ! " 




POrLAR AKD "WArPISG. 



Iler lips were of vermilion hue ; 
Love in her eyes, and Prussian blue, 

Set all my heart in flame ! 
A young Pygmalion, I ador'd 
The maids I made — but time was stor'd 

With evil — and it came ! 

Perspective dawn'd — and soon I saw 
My houses stand against its law ; 

And " keeping " all unkept ! 
My beauties were no longer things 
For love and fond imaginings ; 

But horrors to be wept ! 



Ah ! why did knowledge ope my eyes ? 
Why did I get more artist- wise ? 



458 



THE PEOGEKSS OF ART 

It only serves to hint, 
What grave defects and wants are mine ; 
That I'm no Hilton in design — 

In nature no Dewint ! 




FITTED TO A T. 



Thrice happy time ! — Art's early days ! 
When o'er each deed, with sweet self-praise. 

Narcissus-like I hung ! 
When great Kembrandt but little seem'd, 
And such Old Masters all were deem'd 

As nothing to the young ' 




SHRIMP SAUCK TO A LOBSTER. 



469 



A SCHOOL FOR ADULTS. 



Seifant, 

Soyi, 
Servant. 

All Three. 

Son. 

1st Old Man. 
Son. 



1A Old Man. 
id Old Man. 
Son. 

All Three. 
Lady. 

Traveller. 
Native. 



Traveller. 

Son. 

All Three. 



How well you saw 

Your father to school to-day, knowing how apt 

He is to play the truant. 

But is he not 

Yet gone to school ? 

Stand by, and you shall see. 

Enter three Old Men with satchels, singing. 

Domine, Domine, duster, 
Three knaves in a cluster. 
this is gallant pastime. Nay, come on ; 
Is this your school ? was that your lesson, ha ? 
Pray, now, good son, indeed, indeed — 
Indeed 

You shall to school. Away with him ! and take 
Their wagships with hiin, the whole cluster of them. 
You shan't send us, now, to you shan't — 
We be none of your father, so we ben't. — 
Away with 'em, I say ; and tell their school-mistress 
What truants they are, and bid her pay 'em soundly. 
Oh ! oh ! oh ! 

Alas ! will nobody beg pardon for 
The poor old boys ? 

Do men of such fair years here go to school ? 
They would die dunces else. 

These were great scholars in their youth ; but when 
Age grows upon men here, their learning wastes, 
And so decays, that, if they live until 
Threescore, their sons send 'em to school again ; 
They'd die as speechless else as new-born children. 
'Tis a wise nation, and the piety 
Of the young men most rare and commendable : 
Yet give me, as a stranger, leave to beg 
Their liberty this day. 
'Tis granted. 

Hold up your heads ; and thank the gentleman, 
Like scholars, with your heels now. 

Gfratias ! Gratias ! Gratias ! [Exmnt Singing.'\ 

"The Antipodes," — By R. Brome. 



Amongst the foundations for the promotion of National Education, I 
had heard of Schools for Adults ! but I doubted of their existence. 
They were, I thought, merely the fancies of old dramatists, such as that 
scene just quoted ; or the suggestions of philanthropists — the theoretical 
buildings of modern philosophers — benevolent prospectuses drawn up by 
warm-hearted enthusiasts, but of schemes never to be realised. They 
were probably only the bubble projections of a junto of interested 
pedagogues, not content with the entrance monies of the rising gene- 
ration, but aiming to exact a premium from the unlettered greybeard. 
The age, I argued, was not ripe for such institutions, in spite of the 
spread of intelligence, and the vast power of knowledge insisted on by 
the public journalist. I could not conceive a set of men, or gentlemen, 
of mature years, if not aged, entering themselves as members of pre- 
paratory schools, and petty seminaries, in defiance of shame, humiliation. 



460 A SCHOOL FOR ADULTS. 

and the contumely of a literary age. It seemed too ??bimsical to coa 
template fathers, and venerable grandfathers, emulating the infant 
generation, and seeking for instruction in the rudiments. My imagi- 
nation refused to picture the hoary abecedarian, 

" With satchel on his back, and shining morning face, 
Creeping, like snail, unwillingly to school." 

Fancy grew restive at a patriarchial ignoramus with a fool's-cap, and a 
rod thrust down bis bosom ; at a palsied truant dodging the palmy 



* BETTER LATE THAN KETER. 



inflictions of the cane ; or a silver-headed dunce horsed on a pair of 
rheumatic shoulders for a paralytic flaggellation. The picture notwith- 
standing is realised ! Elderly people seem to have considered that they 
will be as awkwardly situated in the other world, as here, without their 
alphabet, — and Schools for Grown Persons to learn to read, are no more 
Utopian than New Harmony. The following letter from an old gentle- 
man, whose education had been neglected, confirms me in the fact. It is 
copied, verbatim and literatim, froai the original, which fell into my 
hands by accident. 

Black Heath, November, 1837. 
Deer Brother, 

My honnerd Parents being Both desist I feal my deuty to 
give you Sum Acount of the Proggress I have maid in my studdys since 
last Vocation. You will be gratefied to hear I am at the Hed of my 
Class and Tom Hodges is at its Bottom tho He was Seventy last Burth 
Day and I am onely going on for Three Skore. I have begun Gografy 
and do exaizes on the Globs. In figgers I am all most out of the fore 
Simples and going into Compounds next weak. In the mean time bop 
you will aprove my Hand riting as well as my Speling witch I have 
took grate panes with as you desird. As for the French Tung Mr 



A SCHOOL FOE ADULTS. 



461 



Legender says I shall soon get the pronourtciation as well aa a Parlsihiner 
but the Master thinks its not advisible to begin Lattin at my advanced 
ears. 




THE QUINARY SYSTEM. 



With respecks to my Pearsonal comfits I am verry happy and 
midling Well xcept the old Cumplant in my To — but the Master is so 
kind as to let me have a Cushin for my feat. If their is any thing to 
cumplane of its the Vittles. Our Cook dont understand Maid dishes. 
Her Currys is scrabble. Tom Hodges Foot Man brings him Evry Day 




EGGS AED VERY ^OUnlSElKG. 



Boop from Birches. I wish you providid me the same. On the hole J 
wish on menny Acounts I was a Day border particldy as Barlow sleeps 
in our Boom and coffs all nite long. His brother's Ashmy is wps 
then his. He has took lately to snuff and I have wishes to do the like. 
Its veiy dull after Supper since Mr. Grierson took away the fellers 
Pips, and forbid smocking, and allmost raized a Riot on that hed, and 
some of the Boys was to have Been horst for it. I am happy (to) say I 



469 



A SCHOOL FOE ADULTS. 



have never been floged as yet and onely Caind once and that was for 
damming at the Cooks chops hecous they were so overdun, but there 
was to have been fore Wiped yeaster day for Playing Wist in skool 
hours, but was Begd off on acount of their Lumbargo. 

I am sorry to say Ponder has had another Stroak of the perrylaticks 
and has no Use of his Linis He is Pan-s fag— and Parr has got the 

Eoomytix bysides very 
bad but luckly its onely 
stiffind one Arm so he 
has still Hops to get 
the Star for Heliocu- 
tion. Poor Dick Combs 
eye site has quite gone 
or he would have a good 
chance for the Silvur 
Pen. 

Mundy was one of 
the Fellers Burths 
Days and we was to 
have a hole Holiday 
but he dyed sudnly 
over nite of the ap- 
poplxy and disappinted 
us verry much. Two 
moor was fetcht home 
last Weak so that we 
are getting very thin 
partickly when we go 
out Wauking, witch is 
seldom more than three 
at a time, their is always so menny in the nusry. I forgot to say 
Garrat run off a month ago he got verry Home-sick ever since his 
Grandchilderen cum to sea him at skool, — Mr. Grierson has expeld 
him for running away. 

On Tuesday a new SohoUard cum. He is a very old crusty Chap 
and not much lick'd for that resin by the rest of the Boys, whom all 
Teas him, and call him Phig because he is a retired Grosser. Mr. 
Grierson declind another New Boy because he hadn't had the Mizzles. 
I have red Gays Febbles and the other books You were so kind to send 
me — and would be glad of moor, partickly the Gentlemans with a Welsh 
Wig and a Worming Pan when you foreward my Closebox with my 
clean Lining like wise sum moor Fleasy Hoshery for my legs and the 
Cardmums 1 rit for with the French Grammer &o. Also weather I am 
to Dance next quarter. The Gimnystacks are being interdeuced into 
our Skool but is so Voilent no one follows them but Old Parr and He 
cant get up his Pole. 

I have no more to rite but hop this letter will find you as Well as 
me ; Mr. Grierson is in Morning for Mr. Linly Murry of whose loss 




THE DAY ArTEE THE FAIR. 



EPIGEAM. 



463 



you have herd of — xcept which he is in Quite good lielth aud desires 
his Respective Compleraents with witch I remane 

Your deutiful and 

loving Brother 



Jlijl!:;^i{s :{is;<:l;^;j; 



S.P. Barlow and Phigg have just had a fite in the Yard about 
calling names and Phigg has pegged Barlows tooth out But it was 
loose before. Mr. G. dont allow Puglism, if he nose it, among the Boys, 
as at their Times of lifes it might be fatle partickly from pulling their 
Coats of in the open Are. 

Our new Husher is cum and is verry well Red in his Mother's tung, 
witch is the mane thing with Beginers but We wish the Frentch 
Master was changed on Acount of his Pollyticks and Religun. Brass- 
brige and him is always Squabling about Bonnyparty and the Pop of 
Room. Has for Barlow we cant tell weather He is Wig or Tory for he 
cant express his Sentymints for coffing. 




MUliE TIiA^' MEETS THE KYE, 



EPIGRAM. 

Chahm'd with a drink which Highlanders compose, 
A German traveller exclaim'd with glee, — 

" Potztausend ! sare, if dis is Athol Brose, 
How goot dere Athol Boetry must be ! " 



46-i 




'WHOLESALE — RETAIL— ATO) FOR EXPORTATION. 



THE DECLINE OF MES. SHAKEELY, 



Towards the close of lier life, my Aunt Shakerly increased rapidly in 
bulk : she kept adding growth unto her growth, 

" Giving a sum of more to that which had too much," 

till the result was worthy of a Smithfield premium. It was not the 
triumph, however, of any systematic diet for the promotion of fat, — 
(except oyster-eating there is no human system of sioH-feeding,) on the 
contrary, she lived abstemiously, diluting her food witli pickle-acids, and 
keeping frequent fasts, in order to reduce her compass ; but they failed 
of this desirable effect. Nature had planned an original tendency in her 
organisation that was not to be overcome : — she would have fattened on 
saur krout 

My uncle, on the other hand, decreased daily ; originally a little man 
he became lean, shrunken, wizened. There was a predisposition in his 
constitution that made him spare, and kept him so : — he would have 
fallen off even on brewers' grains. 

It was the common joke of the neighbourhood to designate my aunt, 
my uncle, and the infant Shakerly, as " Wholesale, Retail, and For 
ExpoKTATioN ; " and, in truth, they were not inapt impei-sonations of 
that popular inscription, — my aunt a giantess, my uncle a pigm)', and 
the child " being carried abroad." 

Alas ! of the three departments, nothing no\^ remains but the Retail 
portion — my uncle, a pennyworth, a mere sample. 

It is upon record, that Dr. Watts, though a puny man in person, 



THE DFtT.TNT OF MRS. SlIAKEDr.T. 



405 



took a fancj', towards his latter days, that he was too large to pass 
through a door : an error which Death shortly corrected by taking him 
tlirough his own portal. My unhappy aunt, with more show of reason, 
indulged in a similar delusion ; she conceived herself to have grown 
inconveniently cumbersome for the small village of ****, and my uncle, 
to quiet her, removed to the metropolis. There she lived for some 
months in comparative ease, till at last an unlucky event recalled all her 
former inquietude. The Elephant of Mr. Cross, a good feeder, and 
with a natural tendency to corpulence, throve so well on his rations, 
that, becoming too huge for his den, he was obliged to be dispatched 
My aunt read the account in the newspapers, and the catastrophe with 
its cause took possession of her mind. She seemed to herself as that 
Elephant. An intolerable sense of confinement and oppression haunted 
her by day and in her dreams. First she had a tightness at her chest, 
then in her limbs, then all over ; she felt too big for her chair — then for 
her bed — then for her room — then for the house ! To divert her 
thought my uncle proposed to go to Paris ; but she was too huge for a 
boat — for a barge — for a packet— for a frigate — for a countrj' — for a 
continent ! " She was too big," she said, " for this world — but she was 
going to one that is boundless." 

Nothing could wean her from this belief: her vhole talk was of 
"cumber-grounds:" of the '-burthen of the flesh:" and of "infinity." 
Sometimes her head wandered, and she would then speak of disposing 
of the " bulk of her personals." 

In the meantime her health decayed slowly, but perceptibly : she was 
dying, the doctor said, by inches — 

Now my uncle was a kind husband and meant tenderly, though it 
sounded untender: but when the doctor said that she was dying by inches — 

" God forbid ! " cried my uncle : " consider what a great big creature 
she is ! " 




"LOVE MR, lOVE IIY DCfi. 



SIM30ND SERIES. 



466 




THE JUDGES OF A-SIZE. 



TIM TUEPIN. 



A PATHETIC BALLAD. 



Tim Tukpin he was gravel blind, 

And ne'er had seen the sides : 
For Nature when his head was maJo, 

Forgot to dot his ej-es. 

So, like a Christmas pedagogue. 

Poor Tim was forc'd to do — 
Look out for pupils, for he had 

A vacancy for two. 

There's some have specs to help their sight 

Of objects dim and small : 
But Tim had specks within his ej-es, 

And could not see at all. 



Now Tim he woo'd a servant maid, 
And took her to his arms ; 

For he, like Pyramus, had c;ist 
A wall-eye on her charms. 

By day she led him up and down 
Where'er he wished to jog, 

A happy wife, altho' she led 
The life of any dog. 



TIM TUBPIN. 



46-7 



But just when Tim had liv'd a raontli 

In honey with his wife, 
A surgeon ope'd his Milton ej-es, 

Like oysters with a knife 

But when his eyes were open'd thus, 
He wish'd them dark again : 

For when he look'd upon his wife, 
He saw her very plain. 




'SHALL I TAKE OFF THE BEARDS? 



Her face was had, her figure worse, 
He couldn't bear to eat : 

For she was anything hut like 
A Grace before his meat. 

Now Tim he was a feeling man : 
For when his sight was thick 

It made him feel for every thing— 
But that was with a stick. 

So with a cudgel in his hand — 
It was not light or slim — 

He knock'd at his wife's head until 
It open'd unto him. 



468 T!M Tanpi:;. 

And when the ooi-pse was stiff and cold 
He took his slaughtei-'d spouse, 

And laid her in a heap with all 
The ashes of her house. 

But like a wicked murderer, 
He liv'd in constant fear 

From day to day, and so he cut 
His throat from ear to ear. 




LOSING GROUND. 



The neighbours fetch'd a doctor in : 
Said he, " This wound I dread 

Can hardly be sow'd up — his life 
Is hanging on a thread." 

But when another week was gone, 
He gave him stronger hope, 

Instead of hanging on a thread. 
Of hanging on a rope. 

Ah ! when he hid his bloody work, 

In ashes round about. 
How little he supposed the truth. 

Would soon be sifted out. 

But when the parish dustman came. 

His rubbish to withdraw. 
He found more dust within the heap. 

Than he contracted for ! 



TIM TUIIPIN. 



469 



A dozea men to try the fact, 
Were sworn that very day ; 

But tlio' they all were jurors, yet 
No conjurors were they. 




JUROES — KOT C0S-JUR0E3, 

Said Tim unto those jurymen, 
"You need not waste your breath, 

For I confess myself at once. 
The author of her death. 

"And, oh ! when I reflect upon 
The blood that I have spilt. 

Just like a button is my soul, 
Inscrib'd with double ffuilt I " 

Then turning round his head again. 

He saw before his eyes, 
A great judge, and a little judge, 

The judges of a-size ! 

The great judge took his judgment cap, 

And put it on his head, 
And sentenc'd Tim by law to hang, 

Till he was three times dead. 



So he was tried, and ho was hung 
(Fit punishment for such) 

On Horsham-drop, and none can say 
It was a drop too much 



470 



BANDITTI. 



Of all the saints in tbe Calendar, none has suffered less from the 
Eeformation than St. Cecilia, the great patroness of Music. Lofty 
and lowly are her votaries — many and magnificent are her holiday 
festivals — and her common service is performing at all hours of the 
day. She has not only her regular high-priests and priestesses ; but, 
like the Wesleyans, her itinerants and street missionaries, to make 
known her worship in the highways and in the byeways. Nor is the 
homage confined to the people of one creed ; — the Protestant exalts 
her on his barrel-organ — the Catholic with her tambourine — the 
above wandering Jew with his Pan's-pipe and double-drum. The group 
was sketched from a company of these " Strolling Players." 

It must be confessed that their service is sometimes of a kind rather to 
drive angels higher into heaven, than to entice them earthward ; and there 
are certain retired streets — near the Adelphi, for instance — where such 
half-hourly deductions from the natural quiet of the situation should 
justly be considered in the rent. Some of the choruses, in truth, are 
beyond any but a saintly endurance. Conceive a brace of opposition 
organs, a fife, two hurdy-gurdies, a clarionet, and a quartette of decayed 
mariners, all clubbing their music in common, on the very principle of 
Mr. Owen's Neiv Harmony ! 

In the Journal of a recent Traveller through the Papal States, there 
is an account of an adventure with Neapolitan robbers, that would serve, 
with very slight alterations, for the description of an encounter with our 
own banditti. 

" To-day, Mrs. Graham and I mounted our horses and rode towards 
Islington We had not proceeded far, when we heard sounds ns of 



BANDIITI. 



471 



screaming and groaniug, and presently a group of men appeared at a 
turn of the road. It was too certain that we had fallen in with one of 
those roving hands. Escape was impossible, as they extended across 
the road. Their leader was the celebrated Flanigan, notorious for his 
murder of Fair Ellen, and the Bewildered Maid. One of the fellows 
advanced close up to Mrs. G., and putting his instrument to her ear, 
threatened to blow out her brains. We gave them what coppers we 
had, and were allowed to proceed. We were informed by the country- 
people, that a gentlewoman and her daughter had been detained by 
them, near the same spot, and robbed of their hearings, with circum- 
stances of great barbarity ; Flanigan in the meantime, standing by with 
his pipe in his mouth ! 

" Innumerable other travellers have been stopped and tortured by 
these wretches, till they gave up their money : and yet these excesses 
are winked at hy the police. In the meantime, the government does 
not interfere, in the hope, perhaps, that some day those gangs may be 
broken up, and separated, hy discord amongst themselves." 

Sometimes to the eye of fancy tliese wandering minstrels assume 
another character, and illustrate Collins's Ode on the Passions, in a way 
that might edify Miss Macauley. First, Fear, a blind harper, lays hia 
bewildered hand amongst the chords, but recoils back at the sound of 
an approaching carriage. Anger, with starting eye-balls, blows a rude 
clash on the bugle-liorn ; and Despair, a snipe-faced wight, beguiles his 
grief with low sullen sounds on the bassoon. Hope, a consumptive 
Scot, with golden hair and a 
clarionet, indulges, like the 
flatterer herself, in a thousand 
fantastic flourishes beside the 
tune — with a lingering quaver 
at the close ; and would quaver 
longer, but Revenge shakes his 
matted locks, blows a fresh 
alarum on his pandeans, and 
thumps with double heat his 
double-drum. Dejected Pity 
at his side, a hunger-bitten 
urchin, applies to bis silver- 
toned triangle; whilst Jealousy, 
sad proof of his distracted state, 
grinds on, in all sorts of time, 
at his barrel-organ. With eyes 
upraised, pale Melancholy 
sings retired and unheeded at 
the corner of the street ; and 
Mirth, — yonder he is, a brisk little Savoyard, jerking away at the 
hurdy-gurdy, and dancing himself at the same time, to render his jig. 
tune more jigging. 




PEESEGUTED ACCOEDIKG TO LAW. 



4TS 




CBANE-IOLOOT. 



CRANIOLOGY. 



Tis slrauge bow like a very dunce, 
Mau — witli bis bumps upon bis sconce, 
Has lived so long, and j-et no knowledge be 
Has bad, till lately, of Phrenology — 
A science that by simple dint of 
Head- combing be should find a bint of. 
When scratching o'er those little pole-bills. 
The faculties throw up like mole-hills , — 
A science that, in very spite 
Of all bis teeth, ne'er came to light, 
For tho' he knew bis skull bad grinders, 
Still there turned up no organ finders. 
Still sages wrote, and ages fled. 
And no man's head came in bis head — 
Not even the pate of Erra Pater 
Knew aught about its pia mater. 
At last great Dr. Gall bestirs him — 
I don't know but it might be Spurzbt-itn — 
Tho' native of a dull and slow land, 
And makes partition of our Poll-land ; 



ORANIOLOGT. 

At our Acquisitiveness guesses, 

And all those necessary nesses 

IndicatiTe of human habits, 

All burrowing in the head like rabbits 

Thus Veneration, he made l!no\Yn, 

Had got a lodging at the Crown : 

And Music (see Doville's example) 

A set of chambers in the Temple • 

That Language taught the tongues close bj, 

And took in pupils thro' the eye, 

Close by his neighbour Computation, 

Who taught the eyebrows numeration. 

The science thus — to speak in fit 
Terms — having struggled from its nit, 
Was seiz'd on by a swarm of Scotchmen, 
Those scientifioal hotch-potch men. 
Who have at least a penny dip 
And wallop in all doctorship. 



iT! 




A VIOLINIST. 



Just as in making broth they smattcr 
By bobbing twenty things in water : 
These men, I say, made quick appliance 
And close, to phrenologic science ; 
For of all learned themes whatever. 
That schools and colleges deliver. 
There's none they love so near the bodies. 
As analysing their own noddles ; 
Thus in a trice each northern blockhead 
Had got his fingers in his shock head 
And of his bumps was babbling yet worse 
Than poor Miss Capulot's dry vfet-nurse ; 



474 



CRANIOLOGY 



Till having been sufficient rangers 

Of their own heads, they took to strangera' 

And found in Presbyterians' polls 

The things they hated in their souls ; 

For Presbyterians hear with passion 

Of organs join'd with veneration. 

No kind there was of human pumpkin 

But at its bumps it had a bumpkin ; 

Down to the very kwest guUion, 

And oiliest scull of oily scullion. 

No great man died but this they did do, 

They begged his cranium of his widow : 

No murderer died by law disaster. 

But they took off bis sconce in plaster; 




A PLASTt-K CAST. 



For thereon they could show depending 
" The head and front of his offending," 
How that his philanthropic bump 
Was master'd by a baser lump ; 
For every bump (these wags insist) 
Has its direct antagonist, 
Each striving stoutly to prevail, 
Like horses knotted tail to tail ; 
And many a stiff and sturdy battle 
Occurs between these adverse cattle. 



CEAKIOLOGY. 

The secret cause, beyond all question, 
Of aches ascrib'd to indigestion, — 
Whereas 'tis hut two knobby rivals 
Tugging together like sheer devils, 
Till one gets mastery good or sinister. 
And comes in like a new prime-minister 

Each bias in some master node is : — 
What takes M'Adam where a road is, 
To hammer little pebbles less ? 
His organ of Destruotiveness. 



475 




FANCY PORTRAIT. — SIE ANDREW AGNEW "WITH HIS Ilir,!,. 



What makes great Joseph so encumber 
Debate ? a lumping lump of Number : 
Or Malthus rail at babies so ? 
The smallness of his Philopro — . 
What severs man and wife ? a simple 
Defect of the Adhesive pimple : 
Or makes weak women go astray ? 
Their bumps are more in fault than they 

These facts being found and set in order 
By grave M.D.s beyond the Border, 
To make them for some months eternal, 
Were enter'd monthly in a journal, 



476 



dlANIOLOGY. 



That mauy a northern sage still writes in, 
And throws his little Northern Lights in, 
And proves and proves about the phrenos, 
A great deal more than I or he knows. 
How Music suffers, par exemple, 
By wearing tight hats round the temple : 
What ills great boxers have to fear 
From blisters put behind the ear : 




" MY DANCING DAYS ARE OVER." 

And how a porter's Veneration 
Is hurt by porter's occupation : 
Whether shillelaghs in reality 
May deaden Individuality: 
Or tongs and poker be creative 
Of alterations in th' Amative : 
If falls from scaffolds make us less 
Inclin'd to all Constructiveness : 
With more such matters, all applying 
To heads — and therefore headUying. 




'ATUn EKAS. 




■ SEE 13 ALL HEART.' 



"NOTHING BUT HEAETS ! 



It must have been the lot of every whist-player to observe a pheno- 
menon at the card-table, as mysterious as any in nature — I mean the 
constant recurrence of a certain trump throughout the night — a run 
upon a particular suit, that sets all the calculations of Hoyle and 
Cocker at defiance. The chance of turning-up is equal to the Four 
Denominations. They should alternate with each other, on the average 
— whereas a Heart, perhaps, shall be the last card of every deal. King 
or Queen, Ace or Deuce, — still it is of the same clan. You cut — and 
it comes again. " Nothing but hearts ! " 

The figure herewith might be fancied to embody this kind of occur- 
rence ; and, in truth, it was designed to commemorate an evening 
dedicated to the same red suit. I had looked in by chance at the Eoyal 
Institution : a Mr. Professor Pattison, of New York, I believe, was 
lecturing, and the subject was — " Nothing but Hearts ! " 

Some hundreds of grave, curious, or scientific personages were ranged 
on the benches of the Theatre ; — every one in his solemn black. On 
a table in front of the Professor, stood the specimens . hearts of all 
shapes and sizes — man's, woman's, sheep's, bullock's, — on platters or in 
cloths, — were lying about as familiar as household wares. Drawings of 
hearts, in black or blood-red, (dismal valentines !) hung around the fear- 
ful walls. Preparations of the organ in wax, or bottled, passed cur- 
rently from hand to hand, from eye to eye, and returned to the gloomy 
table. It was like some solemn Egyptian Inquisition — a looking into 
dead men's hearts for their morals. • 



478 



" NOTHING ED]' HEARTS 1 



Tlie Professor began. Each after each he displayed the samples ; 
the words " auricle " and " ventricle " falling frequently on the ear, as 
he explained how those " solemn organs " pump in the human breast 
He showed, by experiments with water, the operation of the valves with 
the blood, and the impossibility of its revulsion. As he spoke, an 
indescribable thrilling oi' tremor crept over my left breast — thence down 
iny side — and all over. I felt an awful consciousness of the bodily 
presence of my heart, till then nothing more than it is in song — a mere 
metaphor — so imperceptible are all the grand vital workings of the 
Iiuman frame ! Now I felt the organ distinctly. There it was ! — a 
fleshy core — aye, like that on the Professor's plate— throbbing away, 

auricle, and ventricle, 
the valve allowing the 
gushing blood at so 
many gallons per mi- 
nute, and ever prohibit- 
ing its return ! 

The Professor pro- 
ceeded to enlarge on 
the important office of 
the great functionary, 
and the vital engine 
seemed to dilate within 
me, in proportion to the 
sense of its stupendous 
responsibility. I seemed 
nothing but auricle, and 
ventricle, and valve. I 
had no breath, but only 
pulsations. Those who 
liave been present at 
anatomical discussions 
can alone corroborate 
^sAOKiAN. this feeling — how the 

part discoursed of, by a 
surpassing sympathy and sensibility, causes its counterpart to become 
prominent and all:engrossiug to the sense ; how a lecture on hearts 
makes a man seem to himself as all heart ; or one on heads causes a 
Phrenologist to conceive he is " all brain." 

Thus was I absorbed : — my " bosom's lord," lording over every thing 
beside. By and bye, in lieu of one solitary machine, I saw before me 
a congregation of hundreds of human forcing pumps, all awfully working 
together — the palpitations of hundreds of auricles and ventricles, the 
Happing of hundreds of valves ! And anon they collapsed — mine — the 
Professor's — those on the benches — all ! all ! — into one great auricle — 
one great ventricle — one vast universal heart ! 

The lecture ended — I took up my hat and walked out, tnt the dis- 
course haunted me. I was full of the subject. A kind of fluttering, 




" NOTHING BUT UKARTS ! " 



irg 



which was not to be cured even by the fresh air, gave me plainly to 
understand that my heart -was not " in the Highlands," — nor in any 
lady's keeping— but where it ought to be, in my own bosom, and as 
hard at work as a parish pump. I plainly felt the blood — like the 
carriages on a birth-night — coming 
in by the auricle, and going out by 
the ventricle; and shuddered to 
fancy what must ensue either way, 
from any "breaking the line." 
Then occurred to me the danger 
of little particles absorbed in the 
blood, and accumulating to a stop- 
page at the valve, — the "pumps 
getting choked," — a suggestion 
that made me feel rather qualmish, 
and for relief I made a call on 
Mrs. W . The visit was ill- 



chosen and mistimed, for the lady 

in question, by dint of good-nature, , ^ shoohno tooth. 

and a romantic turn — principally 

estimated by her young and female acquaintance — had acquired the 
reputation of being " all heart." The phrase had often provoked my 
mirth, — but, alas ! the description was now over true. Whether nature 
had formed her in that mould, or my own distempered fancy, I know 
not — but there she sate, and looked the Professor's lecture over again. 
She was like one of those games alluded to in my beginning — " Nothing 
but Hearts ! " Her nose turned up. It was a heart — and her mouth 
led a trump. Her face gave a heart — and her cap followed suit. Her 
sleeves puckered and plumped themselves into a heart-shape — and so 
did her body. ' Her pincushion was a heart — the very back of her 
chair was a heart — her bosom was a heart. She was " all heart " 
indeed ! 





CROSS PATCH, 



4S0 




DEATH 8 DOOR. 



JACK HALL. 



'Tis very hard when men forsake 
This melancholy world, and make 
A bed of tarf, they cannot take 

A quiet doze, 
But certain rogues will come and break 

Their " bone repose." 

'Tie hard we can't give up our breath, 
And to the earth our earth bequeath, 
Without Death Fetches after death. 

Who thus exhume us ; 
And snatch us from our homes beneath, 

And hearths posthumous. 

The tender lover comes to rear 

The mournful urn, and shed his tear — 

Tier glorious dust, he cries, is here ! 

Alack! Alack! 
Tiio while his Sacharissa dear 

Is in a sack ! 

'Tis hard one cannot lie amid 
The mould, beneath a coffin-lid, 
But thus the Faculty will bid 

Their rogues break through it, 
If they don't want us there, why did 

They send us to it ? 



JACK HALL 

One of these sacrilegious knaves, 
Who crave as hungry vulture craves, 
Behaving as the goul behaves, 

'Neath church-yard wall- 
Mayhap because he fed on graves. 

Was nam'd Jack Hall. 

By day it was his trade to go 
Tending the black coach to and fro ; 
And sometimes at the door of woe, 

With emblems suitable, 
He stood with brother Mute, to show 

That life is mutable. 



481 



R.EABS ENTIRE 




BIQH AND DRY. 



But long before they pass'd the ferry, 
The dead that he had help'd to bury. 
He sack'd — (he had a sack to carry 

The bodies off in.) 
In fact, he let them have a very 

Short fit of colSn. 



Night after night, with crow and spade. 
He drove this dead but thriving trade, 

SECOND SERIES. 



483 



JACK HALt.. 

Meanwhil? his conscience never weigh'd 
A single horsehair ; 

On corses of all kinds he prey'd, 
A perfect corsair ! 

At last — it may he, Death took spite, 
Or, jesting only, meant to fright — 
He sought for Jack night after night 

The churchyards round ; 
And soon they met, the man and sprite, 

In Pancras' ground. 




' OTIUM CUM DIG : 



Jack, hy the glimpses of the moon 
Perceiv'd the bony knacker soon. 
An awful shape to meet at noon 

Of night and lonely ; 
But Jack's tough courage did but swoon 

A minute only. 



Anon he gave his spade a swing 
Aloft, and kept it brandishing. 
Ready for what mishaps might spring 

From this conjunction ; 
Funking indeed was quite a thing 

Beside his function. 



JACK HALL. 



483 



" Hollo !" cried Deatb, " d'ye wish j-our sands 
Run out ? the stoutest never stands 
A chance with me, — to my commands 

The strongest truckles ; 
But I'm your friend — so let's shake hands, 

I should say — knuckles." 

Jack, glad to see th' old sprite so sprightly 
And meaning nothing but uprightly, 
Shook hands at once, and, bowing slightly. 

His mull did proffer : 
But Death, who had no nose, politely 

Declin'd the offer. 



r--^. 




THE JDDGMETsT OF SOLOMON, 

Then sitting down upon a bank. 
Leg over leg, shank over shank. 
Like friends for conversation frank. 

That had no check on : 
Quoth Jack unto the Lean and Lank, 

"You're Death, I reckon.' 



The Jaw-hone grinn'd : — " I am that same. 
You've hit exactly on my name ; 



1I2 



4^4 



JACK HALL. 



In truth it has some little fame 

Where burial sod is." 

Quoth Jack, (and wink'd,) " of course ye came 
Here after bodies." 

Death grinn'd again and shook his head : — 
" I've little business with the dead ; 
When they are fairly sent to bed 

I've done my turn: 
Whether or not the worms are fed 

Is your concern. 




SACRED TO THE ASHES OF BRENKHOLZ. 



" My errand here, ia meeting you, 
Is nothing but a ' how-d'ye do ; ' 
I've done what jobs I had — a few 

Along this wiiy ; 
If I can serve a crony too, 

I beg you'll say." 

Quoth Jack, " Your Honour's very kind : 
And now I call the thing to mind, 
This parish very strict I find ; 

But in the next 'ua 
There lives a very well-inclined 

Old sort of sexton." 



JACK HALL. 



485 



Death took the hint, and gave a wink 
As well as eyelet holes can blink ; 
Then stretching out his arm to link 

The other's arm, — 
" Suppose," says he, " we have a drink 

Of something warm." 




A OnZERlXL CLASS. 



Jack nothing loth, with friendly ease 

Spoke up at once : — " Why, what ye please ; 

Hard by there is the Cheshire Cheese, 

A famous tap." 
But this suggestion seem'd to tense 

The Lony chap. 

" No, no — your mortal drinks are heady, 
And only make my hand unsteady ; 



486 



JACK HALL. 



I do not even care for Deady, 

And loathe your rum ; 

But I've some glorious brewage ready, 
My drink is — mum ! " 

And off they set, each right content — ■ 
Who knows the dreary way they went ? 
But Jack felt rather faint and spent, 

And out of breath ; 
At last he saw, quite evident, 

The Door of Death. 




A BARRISTER ON CIRCUIT 



All other men had been unmanu'd 
To see a coffin on each hand. 
That served a skeleton to stand 

By way of sentry ; 
In fact, Death has a very grand 

And awful entry. 

Throughout his dismal sign prevails, 
His name is writ in coffin nails ; 



JACK HALL. 



487 



The mortal darts make area rails ; 

A skull that mocketh, 
Grias on the gloomy gate, and quails 

Whoever knocketh. 




DUE AT MICHAELMAS. 

And lo ! on either side, arise 

Two monstrous pillars — bones of thighs ; 

A monumental slab supplies 

The step of stoue, 
Where -waiting for his master lies 

A dog of bono 




A DOUBLE MEAKINQ. 



The dog leapt up, but gave no yell. 
The wire was pull'd, but woke no bell, 
The ghastly knocker rose and fell. 

But caused no riot ; 
The ways of Death, we all know^well, 

Are very quiet. 



488 JACK HAI.L, 

Old Bones slept in; Jack stepp'd behind 
Quolh Deatli, " I really hope you'll find 
The entertainment to your mind, 

As I shall treat ye — 
A friend or two of goblin kind, 

I've asked to meet ye." 




" ITAS YOUR MOTHER ANY MORE OF YE?*' 

And lo ! a crowd of spectres tall. 
Like jaok-a-lanterns on a wall. 
Were standing — every ghastly ball 

An eager watcher. 
" My friends," says Death— "friends, Mr, Hall, 

The body-snatcher." 

Lord, what a tumult it produced, 
When Mr. Hall was introduced ! 
Jack oven, who had long been used 

To frightful things. 
Felt just as if his back was sluic'd 

With freezing springs ! 



Each goblin face began to make 

Some horrid mouth — ape — gorgon — snake; 



JACK HALL. 



480 



And then a spectre-hag would shake 

An airy thigh-bone ; 
And cried, (or seem'd to cry,) I'll break 

Your bone, with my bone I 

Some ground their teeth — some seem'd to spit- 
(Nothing, but nothing came of it,) 
A hundred awful brows were knit 

In dreadful spite. 
Thought Jack— I'm sure I'd better quit, 

Without good night. 




'I WISn YOU MAY GET IT ! " 



One skip and hop and he was clear, 
And running like a hunted deer. 
As fleet as people run by fear 

Well spurr'd and whipp'd. 
Death, ghosts, and all in that career 

Were quite outstripp'd. 



But those who live by death must die ; 
Jack's soul at last prepar'd to fly ; 
And when his latter end drew nigh, 

Oh ! what a swarm 
Of doctors came, — but not to try 

To keep him warm. 



400 JACK HALL. 

No ravens ever scented prey 
So early where a dead horse lay, 
Nor vultures sniff'd so far away 

A last convulse : 
A dozen " guests " day after day 

Were " at his pulse." 




JOININQ IN A t:ATCU. 



'Twas Strange, altho' they got no fees, 
How Still they watch'd by twos and throes • 
But Jack a very little ease 

Obtain 'd from them ; 
In fact he did not find M. D.'s 

Worth one D— M. 

The passing bell with hollow toll 
Was in his thought — the dreary hole I 
Jack gave his eyes a horrid roll. 

And then a cough : — 
" There's something-weighing on my soul 

I wish was off; 



" All night it roves about my brains, 
All day it adds to all my pains, 
It is concerning my remains 

When I am dead : '' 
Twelve wigs and tvfelve gold-headed canes 

Drew near his bed. 



JACK HALL. 

' Alas ! " he sigh'd, " I'm sore afraid 
A dozen pangs my heart invade ; 
But when I drove a certain trade 

In flesh and bone, 
There was a little bargain made 

About my own." 

Twelve suits of black began to close, 
Twelve pair of sleek and sable hose, 
Twelve flowing cambric frills in rows, 

At once drew round ; 
Twelve noses turn'd against his nose, 

Twelve snubs profound. 



491 




"the rOMP3 ASD VAITIT1E3 OF TUIS WICKED WOULD." 



" Ten guineas did not quite suffice, 
And so I sold my body twice ; 
Twice did not do — I sold it thrice, 

Forgive my crimes ! 
In short I have received its price 

A dozen times ! " 

Twelve brows got very grim and black. 
Twelve wishes stretched him on the rack, 
Twelve pair of hands for fierce attack 

Took up position. 
Ready to share the dying Jack 

By long division 



•492 



JACK HALL 



Twelve angry doctors wrangled so, 
That twelve bad struck an hour ago, 
Before they had an eye to throw 

On the departed ; 
Twelve heads turn'd round at once, and lo ! 

Twelve doctors started. 




"HEME.MUER, I'm OFF THE BAHG> IN 



Whether some comrade of the dead. 

Or Satan took it in his head 

To steal the corpse — the corpse had lied ! 

'Tis only written, 
That " there was notliing in the bed 

But tweho iL-ere bitten ! " 




IF SOT ENOAOED JOB THE NEXT SET. ' 



49:3 



3^f- 




'HONona CALLS Bra to the field." 



AN AFFAIR OF HONOUR. 



" And those were the only duels,'' concluded the major, " that 

ever I fought in my life." 

Now the major reminded me strongly of an old boatman at Hastings, 
who, after a story of a swimmer that was snapped asunder by a " sea 
attorney " in the West Indies, made an end in the same fashion : — 
" And that was the only time," said he, " I ever saw a man bit in two 
by a shark." 

A single occurrence of the kind seemed sufficient for the experience 
of one life ; and so I reasoned upon the major's nine duels. He must, 
in the first place, have been not ^^ ■ 
only jealous and swift to quarrel ; 
but, in the second, have met witli ' 
nine intemperate spirits equally 
forward with himself. It is but in 
one affront out of ten that the 
duellist meets with a duellist : a 
computation assigning ninety mortal 
disagreements to his single share ; 
whereas I, with equal irritability 
and as much courage perhaps, had 
never exchanged a card in my life. 
Tlie subject occupied me all the 
walk homeward through the mea- 
dows : — " To get involved in nine 
duels,'' said I : " 'tis quite im- 
probable ! " 

As I thought thus, I had thrust my body halfway under a rough bar 
that was doing duty for a stile at one end of a field. It was just too 




A CRAOK SHOT. 



404 



AK AFFAIE OF HONOUR. 



high to climb comfortably, and just low enough to be inconvenient to 
du°ck under ; but I chose the latter mode, and began to creep through 
with the deliberateness consistent with doubtful and intricate speculation. 
" To get involved in nine duels " — here my back hitched a little at the 
bar — " 'tis quite impossible." 

I am persuaded that there is a spirit of mischief afoot in the world — 
some malignant fiend to seize upon and direct these accidents : for just 
at this nick, whilst I was boggling below the bar, tliere came up 



,-.^^> 




NOBODY S ENEJfY BUT HIS OWN. 



another passenger by the same path : so seeing how matters stood, he 
made an attempt at once to throw his leg over the impediment : but 
mistaking the altitude by a few inches, he kicked me — where I had 
never been kicked before. 

" By Heaven ! this is too bad," said I, staggering through head 
foremost from the concussion : my back was up, in every sense, in a 
second. 

The stranger apologised in the politest terms, — but with such an 
intolerable chuckle, with such a provoking grin lurking about his face, 
that I felt fury enough, like Beatrice, to " eat his heart in the market- 
place." In short, in two little minutes, from venting my conviction 
upon duelling, I found myself engaged to a meeting for the vindication 
of my honour. 

Tliere is a vivid description in the Hitsory of Robinson Crusoe, of 
the horror of the solitary Mariner at finding tlie mark of a foot in the 



AX AFFAIR OF HONOUK. 



495 



Bandy beach of his Desert Island. That abominable token, in a place 
that he fancied was sacred to himself — in a part, he made sure, never 
trodden by the sole of man — haunted him wherever he went. So did 
mine. I bore about with 
me the same ideal im- 
print — to be washed out, 
not by the ocean-brine, 
but with blood ! 

As I walked home- 
ward after this adven- 
ture, and reflected on 
my former opinions, I 
felt that I had done the 
gallant major an injus- 
tice. It seemed likely 
that a man of his profes- 
sion might be called out 
oven to the ninth time 
— nay, that men of the 
peaceful cloth might, on a cliance, be obliged to have recourse to mortal 
combat, 

As for Gentlemen at the Bar, I have shown how they may get into 
an Affair of Honour in a twinkling. 




THE LATTER END OF MARCH. 




FAKCY P0I:trA1T. — MR, HVME. 



49G 




A HAIU> ROE. 



THE WEE MAN. 

'a eomaxoe. 



It was a merry company, 

A nd they were just afloat, 
When lo ! a man, of dwarfish span, 

Came up and hail'd the boat. 

" Good morrow to ye, gentle folks. 

And will you let me in ? — 
A slender space will serve my case, 

For I am small and thin." 

They saw he was a dwarfish man, 

And very small and thin ; 
Not seven such would matter mucli, 

And so they took him in. 

They laugh 'd to see his little hat. 

With such a narrow brim ; 
They laugh'd to note his dapper codt 

With skirts so scant and trim. 

But barely liad they gone a mile. 

When, gravely, one and all. 
At once began to think the man 

Was not so very small. 

His coat had got a broader skirt, 

His hat a broader brim. 
His leg grew stout, and soon plump'd out 

A very proper limb. 



TOE WEE MjIS 



41)7 



Still on they went, and as they went, 
More rough the billo\YS grew, — 

And rose and fell, a greater swell, 
And he was swelling too ! 

And lo ! where room had been for seven, 
For six there scarce was space ! 

For five ! — for four ! — for three ! — Not more 
Than two could find a place ! 

There was not even room for one ! 

They crowded by degrees — 
Aye — closer yet, till elbows met, 

And knees were jogging knees. 




CLOSE CORPORATIONS. 



" Good sir, you must not sit a-stern. 

The wave will else come in ! " 
Without a word he gravely stirr'd, 

Another seat to win. 



" Good sir, the boat has lost her trim, 

You must not sit a-lee ! " 
With smiling face and courteous grace, 

The middle seat took he. 



SEOOSI) SERIES. 



THE WEE MAN. 

But still, by constant quiet growth, 

His back became so wide, 
Each neighbour wight, to left and right, 

Was thrust against the side. 

Lord I how they chided with themselves. 

That they had let him in ; 
To see him grow so monstrous now. 

That came so small and thin. 

On every brow a dew-drop stood. 
They grew so scared and hot, — 

" I' the name of all that's great and tall. 
Who are ye, sir, and what ? " 

Loud laugh'd the Gogmagog, a laugh 

As loud as giant's roar — 
" When first I came, my proper name 

Was Little — now I'm Moore! " 




'CANI-SH PLUUP JACK, AND BANISH ALL THE WOHLD. 



409 




"you're all right, he cant wag his tail.' 



PYTHAGOEEAN FANCIES. 



Of all creeds — after the Christian — I incline most to the Pytha 
gorean. I like the notion of inhabiting the body of a bird. It is tlie 
next thing to being a cherub — at least, according to the popular image 
of a boy's bead and wings ; a fancy that savours strangely of the 
Pythagorean. 

I think nobly of the soul with Malvolio, but not so meanly, as be 
does by implication, of a bird-body. What disparagement would it 
seem to shuffle off a crippled, palsied, languid, bed-ridden carcase, and 
find yourself floating above the world — in a flood of sunshine — undei' 
the feathers of a Eoyal Eagle of the Andes ? 

For a beast-body I have less relish — and yet how many men are 
there who seem predestined to such an occupancy, being in this life 
even more than semibrutal ! How many human faces that at least 
countenance, if they do not confirm, this part of the Brahminioal 
Doctrine. What apes, foxes, pigs, curs, and cats, walk our metropolis 
— to say nothing of him shambling along Caruaby or Whiteehapel — 

A BUTCHER! 

Whoe'er has gone thro' London Street, 
Has seen a Butcher gazing at his meat, 

And how he Ifeeps 

Gloating upon a sheep's 

E E 2 



600 



PITIIAGOEEAN FANXIES. 



Or bullock's personals, as if his own ; 

How he admires his halves, 

And quarters — and his calves, 
As if in truth upon his own legs grown ; — 

His fat ! his suet ! 
Ilis kidneys peeping elegantly thro' it ! 

His thick flank! 

Aud his thin ! 
His shank ! 
His shin ! 
Skin of his skin, and bone too of his bone ! 

With what an air 
He stands aloof, across the thoroughfare 
Gazing — and will not let a body by, 
Tho' buy ! buy ! buy ! be constantly his cry 




TO HAVE AND TO HOU). 



Meanwhile with arms a-kimbo, and a pair 

Of Rhodian legs, he revels in a stare 

At his Joint Stock — for one may call it so, 

Howbeit without a Co. 
The dotage of self-love was never fonder 
Thfin he of his brute bodies all a-row : 



PYTIUGOBEAN i'AXCIKS. SOI 

Narcissus in the wave did uever ponder 

With love so strong, 

On his " portrait charmant,'' 
As our vain Butcher on his carcase yonder. 

Look at his sleek round skull ! 
How bright his cheek, how rubicund his nose Is I 

His visage seems to be 

Ripe for beef-tea ; 
Of brutal juices the whole man is full — 
In fact, fulfilling the metempsychosis 
The Butcher is already half a Bull. 

Surpassing the Butcher, in his approximation to the brule, behold 
yon vagrant Hassan — a wandering camel-driver and exhibitor, parading, 
for a "evr pence, the creature's outlandish hump, yet burthened himself 




COMPARATIVE PUTSIOLOGT. 

with a hunch of flesh between the shoulders. For the sake of the 
implicit moral merely, or as an illustration of comparative physiology, the 
show is valuable; hut as an example of the Pythagorean dispensation, it 
is above appraisement. The retributive metamorphosis has commenced 
■ — the Beast has set his seal upon the Human Form — a little further, 
and he will be ready for a halter and a show-man. 

As there are instances of men thus transmuting into the brute ; so 
there are brutes, that, by peculiar human manners and resemblance, 
seem to hint at a former and a better condition. The ourang-outang, and 
the monkey, notoriously claim this relationship ; and there are other 
tribes, and in particular some which use the erect posture, that are 
apt to provoke such Pythagorean associations. For example : — I could 
never read of the great William Penn's interview with the American 



502 



PYTUAGOEEAN FANCIES. 



savages, or look on the painting commemorative of that event, without 
dreaming that I had seen it acted over again at the meeting of a tribe 




PENN S CONFERENCE WITH THE NATIVES, 



of Kangaroos and a Penguin. The Kangaroos, sharp-sighted, vigilant, 
cunning, wild, swift, and active, as the Indians themselves; — the 
Penguin, very sleek, guiltless of arms, verv taciturn, very sedate, except 




THE LAST VISIT. 



when jumping; upright in its conduct — a perfect Quaker. It con- 
firmed me, in this last fancy, to read of the conduct of these gentle birds 
when assaulted, formerly, with long poles, by the seamen of Captain 



PYTHAGOEEAN FANCIES. 



503 



Cook — buffetings which the Penguins took quietlj' on either cheek, or 
side of the head, and died as meekly and passively as the primitive 
Martyrs of the Sect ! 

It is diflB.cult to say to 
■what excesses the desire 
of fresh victual, after long 
salt juuketting, may drive 
a mariner; for my own 
part, I could not have 
handled a pole in that 
persecution without strong 
Pythagorean misgivings. 

There is a Juvenile 
Poem, — "The Notorious 
Glutton," by Miss Taylor 
of Ongar, in which a duck 
falls sick and dies in a 
very human-like way. I 
could never eat duck for 
some time after the peru- 
sal of those verses ; — it 
seemed as if in reality the 
soul of my grandam might 
inhabit such a bird. In 
mere tenderness to past 
womanhood, I could never a lion. 

lay the death-scene else- 
where than in a, lady's chamber — with the body of the invalid propped 
up by comfortable pillows on a nursery chair. The sick-attendant seemed 
one that had relished drams aforetime — had been pompously officious at 
human dissolutions, and would announce that " all was over! " with the 
same flapping of paws and duck-like inflections of tone. As for the 
Physician, he was an Ex-Quack of our own kind, just called in from 
the pond — a sort of Man-Drake, and formerly a brother by nature, as 
now by name, of the author of " Winter Nights." 





504 




^^mfMinrfriW' 



■DON'T YOU SMELL FIEE?" 



Run ! — run for St. Clemen ts's engine ! 

For the Pawnbroker's all in a blaze, 
And tbe pledges are frying and singing — 

Oh ! how the poor pawners will craze ! 
Now where can the turncock be drinking ? 

Was there ever so thirsty an elf? — 
But he still may tope on, for I'm thinking 

That the plugs are as dry as himself. 

The engines! — I hear them como rumbling; 

There's the Phcenix ! the Globe ! and the Sun ! 
What a row there will be, and a grumbling 

When the water don't start for a run ! 
See ! there they come racing and tearing, 

All the street with loud voices is fill'd ; 
Oh ! it's only the firemen a-swearing 

At a man they've run over and kill'd ! 

How sweetly the sparks fly away now, 

And twinkle like stars in the sky ; 
It's a wonder the engines don't play now. 

But I never saw water so shy ! 



'don't you SMELL FIKE?' 



505 



Why there isn't enough for a snipe, 

And the fire it is fiercer, alas ! 
Oh ! instead of the New Eiver pipe, 

They have gone — that they have — to the gas ! 



Only look at the poor little P 's 

On the roof — is there anything sadder ? 
My dears, keep fast hold, if you please, 

And they won't he an hour with the ladder ! 
But if any one's hot in their feet. 

And in very great haste to be saved, 
Here's a nice easy bit in the street, 

That M'Adam has lately uiipaved ! 




'MASSA WILBEKFOKCE MAKE WiS I'KCE : 



There is some one — I see a dark shape 

At that window — the hottest of all, — 
My good woman, why don't you escape ? 

Never think of your bonnet and shawl . 
If your dress isn't perfect, what is it 

For once in a way to your hurt ? 
When your husband is paying a visit 

There, at Number Fourteen, in his shirt ! 



506 



' dont' .you smell fire ? " 



Only see how she throws out her cJianey ! 

Pier basons, and teapots, and all 
The most brittle of her goods — or ain'. 

But they all break in breaking their fall : 
Such things are not surely the best 

From a two-story window to throw — - 
She might save a good iron-bound chest. 

For there's lAenty of people below ! 

O dear ! what a beautiful flash ! 

How it shone thro' the window and door ; 
We shall soon hear a'scream and a crash, 

When the woman falls thro' with the fiuor 
There ! there ! what a volley of flame, 

And then suddenly all is obscured ! — 
Well — I'm glad in my heart that I came ; — 

But I hope the poor man is insured ! 




ALL HAIL I 



607 




FTB, let's a' to the BRIDAL ! " 



A MAEEIAGE PEOCESSION. 



It has never been my lot to marry — whatever 1 may have written of 
one Honoria to the contrary. My affair with that lady never reached 
beyond a very embarassing decla- 
ration, in return for which she 
breathed into my duU deaf ear an 
inaudible answer. It was beyond 
my slender assurance, in those 
days, to ask for a repetition, whe- 
ther of acceptance or denial. 

One chance for explanation still 
remained. I wrote to her mother, 
to bespeak her sanction to our 
union, and received, by return of 
post, a scrawl, that for aught I 
knew, might be in Sanscrit. I 
question whether, even at this 
time, my intolerable bashfulness 
would suffer me to press such a 
matter any farther. 

My thoughts of matrimony are 
now confined to occasional day- 
dreams, originating in some stray 

glimpse in the Prayer Book, or the receipt of bride-cake. It was on 
some such occurrence that I fell once, Bunyan-like, into an allegory of 
a wedding. 




'MY BANKS THEY ARE FURNISHED.' 



508 



A MARRIAGE PROCESSION. 



My fancies took the order of a procession. Witli flaunting banners 
it wound its Alexandrine way — ^in the manner of some of Martin's 
painted pageants — to a taper spire in the distance. And first, like a 




BniDE AND BKIDESilAlD. 



band of livery, came the honourable company of Jlatch-makers, all 
mature spinsters and matrons — and as like aunts and mothers as may 
be. The Glovers trod closely on their heels. Anon came, in blue and 
gold, the parish beadle, Soarabaeus Parochialis, with the ringers of the 




hand-bells. Then came the Banns— it was during the reign of Lord 
Eldon's Act— three sturdy pioneers, with their three axes, and likely to 
hew down sterner impediments than lie commonly in the path of 
marriage. On coming nearer, the countenance of the first was right 



A MARRIAGE PROCESSION, 



809 



foolisli and perplext ; of tbe second, simpering ; and the last, methought, 
looked sedate, as if dashed with a little fear. After the banns — like 
the judges following the halberts — caiiae the joiners : no rough 
mechanics, but a portly, full-blown vicar, with his clerk — both rubi- 
cund — a peony paged by a pink. It made me smile to observe the 
droll clerical turn of the clerk's beaver scrubbed into that fashion by his 
coat, at the nape. The marriage-knot — borne by a ticket-porter — came 
after the divine, and raised associations enough to sadden one, but for a 
pretty Cupid that came on laughing and trundling a hoop-ring. 

The next group was a numerous one, Firemen of the Haud-in-Hand, 




THE MAN IN THE HONEYMOON. 



with the Union flag — the chief actors were near. With a mixture of 
anxiety and curiosity, I looked out for the impending couple, when, how 
shall I tell it? I beheld, not a brace of young lovers — a Komeo and 
Juliet, not a "he-moon here, and a she-sun there" — not bride and 
bridegroom — but the happy pear, a solitary Bergamy, carried on a 
velvet cushion by a little foot-page. I could have foresworn my fancy 
for ever for so wretched a conceit, till I remembered that it was intended 
perhaps to typify, under that figure, the mysterious resolution of two 
into one, a pair nominally, but in substance single, which belongs to 
marriage. To make amends', the high contracting parties approached 
in proper person — a duplication sanctioned by tho practice of the oldest 
masters in their historical pictures. It took a brace of Cupids, with a 
halter, to overcome the "sweet reluctant delay" of the Bride, and make 
her keep pace with the procession. She was absorbed like a nun, in 
her veil; tears, too, she dropped, large as sixpences, in her path; but 
her attendant bridesmaid put on such a coquettish look, and tripped 
along so airily, that it cured all suspicion of heart-ache in such maiden 
showers. Tho Bridegroom, drest for the Honeymoon, was ushered by 



510 



A MARRIAGE PE0CES3I0N. 



Hymen — a little link-boy ; and the imp used the same importunity for 
his dues The next was a motley crew. For nuptial ode or Carmen, 
there walked two carters, or draymen, with their whips; a leash of 

footmen in livery 
indicated Domestic 
Habits; and Domes- 
tic Comfort was per- 
sonated by an ambu- 
lating advertiser of 
'' Hot Dinners every 
Day." 

I forget whether 
the Bride's Character 
preceded or followed 
her — but it was a 
lottery placard, and 
blazoned her as One 
of Ten Thousand 
The parents of both 
families had a quiet 
smile on their faces, 
hinting that their 
enjoyment was of a 
retrospective cast ; and as for the six sisters of the bride, they would 
have wept with her, but that six young gallants came after them. The 
friends of the family were Quakers, and seemed to partake of the happi- 
ness of the occasion in a very quiet and quaker-like way. I ought to 
mention that a band of harmonious sweet music preceded the Happy 
Pair. There was none came after — the veteran, Townsend, with his 
constables, to keep order, making up the rear of the Procession. 




THE dOOK'S ORACLE, 




A CIIRT8ALJS. 



511 




" ENCOilPASS'D IN AN ANQEL's FRA.ME, 



THE WIDOW. 



One widow at a grave will sob 
A little while, and weep, and sigh ! 
If two should meet on such a job, 
They'll have a gossip by and by. 
If three should come together — why, 
Three widows are good company ! 
If four should meet by any chance, 
Four is a number very nice. 
To have a rubber in a trice^ 
But five will up and- have a dance ! 

Poor Mrs. C (why should I not 

Declare her name ? — her name was Cross) 
Was one of those the " common lot " 
Had left to weep " no common loss ! " — 
For she had lately buried then 
A man, the " very best of men," 
A lingering truth, discover'd first 
Whenever men " are at the worst." 
To take the measure of her woe. 
It was some dozen inches deep — 
I mean in crape, and hung so low, 
It hid the drops she did not weep • 
In fact, what human life appears. 
It was a perfect " veil of tears." 



5 1 '3 



THE WIDOW. 



Though over since she lost " her prop 
And stay," — alas! he wouldn't stay — 
She never had a tear to mop, 
Except one little angry drop, 




THE OUTSKIRTS. 



From Passion's eye, as Moore would say ; 
Because when Mister Cross took flight, 
It look'd so very like a spite — 
He died upon a washing-day ! 




AN OVERDRIVEN CALF. 



Still Widow Cross went twice a week. 
As if " to wet a widow's cheek," 
And soothe his grave with sorrow's gravy, 
'Twas nothing hut a make-believe, 



THE WIDOW. 



513 



She might as well have hoped to grieve 

Enough of brine to float a navy ; 

And yet she often seem'd to raise 

A cambric kerchief to her eye — 

A duster ought to be the phrase, 

Its work was all so very dry. 

The springs were lock'd that ought to flow — 

In England or in widow-woman — 

As those that watch the weather know, 

Such " backward Springs" are not uncommon. 







TUB WIDOW S MITE. 

But why did Widow Cross take pains. 
To call upon the " dear remains," — 
Remains that could not tell a jot, 
Whether she ever wept or not. 
Or how his relict took her losses ? 
Oh ! my black ink turns red for shame- 
But still the naughty world must learn, 
There was a little German came 
To shed a tear in " Anna's Urn," 
At the next grave to Mr. Cross's ! 
For there an angel's virtue slept, 
" Too soon did Heaven assert its cLiim ! ' 
But still her painted face he kept, 
"Encompass'd in an angel's frame." 

SEOO?rD SEEIES. 



il4: THE WIDOW. 

He look'd quite sad and quite deprived, 
His head was nothing but a hat-band; 
He look'd so lone, and so «)?wived. 
That soon the Widow Cross contrived 
To fall in love with even that band ; 
And all at once the brackish juices 
Came gushing out thro' sorrow's sluices- 




FAJTUFUL BELOW UK DID HIS DITV, 
AND NOW nic'f^ 'l^xr ALOVT." 



Tear after tear too fast to wipe, 
Tho' sopp'd, and sopp'd, and sopp'd apa 
No leak in sorrow's private pipe, 
But like a bursting on the main ! 
Whoe'er has watch'd the window-pane— 
I mean to say in showery weather — 
Has seen two little drops of rain. 
Like lovers very fond and fain, 
At one another creeping, creeping, 
Till both, at last, embrace together : 
So far'd it with that couple's weeping ! 
The principle was quite as active — 

Tear unto tear, 

Kept drawing near, 
Their very blacks became attractive. 
To cut a shortish story shorter, 



THE WIDOW. 515 



Conceive them sitting tSte a tete — 
Two cups, — hot muffins on a plate, — 
With " Anna's Urn " to hold hot water! 
The brazen vessel for a while 
Had lectured in an easy song, 
Like Abernethy — on the bile — 
The scalded herb was getting strong ; 




"THIS INOENTDBE WITNESSETH. 

All seem'd as smooth as smooth could be. 
To have a cosey cup of tea ; 
Alas ! how often human sippers 
With unexpected bitters meet, 
And buds, the sweetest of the sweet. 
Like sugar, only meet the nippers ! 

The Widow Cross, I should have told, 
Had seen three husbands to the mould ; 
She never sought an Indian pyre, 
Like Hindoo wives that lose their loves, 
But with a proper sense of fire. 
Put up, instead, with " three removes : '' 
Thus, when with any tender words 
Or tears she spoke about her loss. 
The dear departed, Mr. Cross, 
Came in for nothing but his thirds ; 

uT, 2 



516 



THE WIDOW. 



For, as all widows love too well, 
She liked upon the list to dwell, 
And oft ripp'd up the old disasters — 
She might, indeed, have been supposed 
A great ship owner, for she prosed 
Eternally of her Three Masters ! 

Thus, fooiish woman ! while she nursed 
Her mild souchong, she talk'd and rcclcor.'d 
What had been left her by her first. 
And by her last, and by her second. 
Alas ! not all her annual rents 
Could then entice the little German, — 
Not Mr. Cross's Three Per Cents, 
Or Consols, ever make him her man ; 
He liked her cash, he liked her houses, 
But not that dismal bit of land 
She always settled on her spouses. 
So taking up his hat and band. 
Said he, "You'll think my conduct odd — 
But here my hopes no more may linger • 
I thought you had a wedding-finger, 
But oh ! — it is a curtain-rod 1 " 




UASTCR nnATIAM. 



51' 




j:"r. seabrigiit s nouxDS. 



A MAD DOG 



Is none of my bug-bears. Of the bite of dogs, large ones especially. 
I have a reasonable dread ; but as to any participation in the canine 
frenzy, I am somewhat sceptical. The notion savours of the same 
fanciful superstition that invested the subjects of Dr. Jenner with a 
pair of horns. Such was affirmed to be the effect of the vaccine matter 
— and I shall believe what I have heard of the canine virus, when I see 
a rabid gentleman, or gentlewoman, with flap-ears, dew claws, and a 
brush-tail ! 

I lend no credit to the imputed efi'ects of a mad dogs saliva. "We 
hear of none such amongst the West Indian Negroes — and yet their 
condition is always slavery. 

I put no faith in the vulgar stories of human behigs betaking them- 
selves, through a dog-bite, to dog-habits : and consider the smotherings 
and drownings, that have originated in that fancy, as cruel as the 
murders for witchcraft. Are we, for a few yelpings, to stifle all the 
disciples of Loyola — Jesuit's Bark — or plunge unto death all the con- 
valescents who may take to bark and wine? 

As for the Hydrophobia, or loathing of water, I have it mildly myself. 
My head turns invariably at thin washy potations. With a dog, indeed, 
the case is different — he is a water-drinker; and when he takes to 
grape-juice, or the stronger cordials, may be dangerous. But I have 
never seen one with a bottle — except at his tail. 



618 



A MAD DOG. 




hydeophokia. 



There are other dogs who are born to haunt the liquid element, to 
dive and swim — and for such to shun the lake or the pond would look 
suspicious. A Newfoundler, standing up from a shower at a door-way, 

or a Spaniel with a Parapluie, 
might be innocently destroyed. 
But when does such a cur occur? 
There are persons, however, 
who lecture on Hydrophobia 
very dog-matically. It is one of 
their maggots, that if a puppy be 
not wormed, he is apt to go 
rabid. As if forsooth it made 
so much difference, his merely 
speaking or not with, what Lord 
Duberly calls, his " vermicular 
tongue ? " Verily, as Izaak Wal- 
ton would say, these gudgeons 
take the worm very kindly ! 

Next to a neglect of calling in 
Dr. Gardner, want of water is 
prone to drive a dog mad. A 
reasonable saying— but the rest is not so plausible, viz. that if you 
keep a dog till he is very dry, he will refuse to drink. It is a gross 
hbel on the human-like instinct of the animal, to suppose him to act 
so clean contrary to human-kind. A crew of sailors, thireting at sea, 

will suck their pumps or the can- 
vass — anything that will afford a 
drop of moisture ; whereas a 
parching dog, instead of cooling 
his tongue at the next gutter, 
or licking his own kennel for 
imaginary relief, runs senselessly 
up and down to over-heat him- 
self, and resents the offer of a 
bucket like a mortal affront. 
Away he scuds, straight forward 
like a marmot — e.xcept when he 
dodges a pump. A glimmering 
instinct guides him to his old 
haunts. He bites his Ex-master 
—grips his trainer — takes a snap 
with a friend or two where he 
used to visit — and then biting 
right and left at the public, at 
fif, 1 • t,- ., , ^*'S' "^ies — a pitchfork in his eye, 

fifty slugs in his nbs, and a spade through the small of his back. 

Ban rcwi-'' TT ""'""f,"' ''"' ' '^"^' °^ ^'^ victim's-suppose some 
Bank Clerk. He was not bitten, butonly splashed on the hand by the 




"POOR-TBiV CHAHStAKT.' 



A MAD DOG. 



519 



mad foam or dog-spray : a recent flea-bite gives entrance to the virus, 
and in less than three years it gets possession. Then the tragedy 
begins. The unhappy gentleman first evinces uneasiness at being 
called on for his New Elver rates. He answers the Collector snappishlj^ 
and when summoned to pay for his supply of water, tells the Commis- 
sioners doggedly, that they may cut it off. From that time he gets 
worse. He refuses slops— turns up a pug nose at pump-water— and at 
last, on a washing-day, after flying at the laundress, rushes out, ripe for 
hunting, to the street. A twilight remembrance leads him to the house 




JJONT POINT — ITS RUDE. 



of his intended. He fastens on her hand — next worries his mother — 
takes a bit apiece out of his brothers and sisters — runs a-muclc, " giving 
tongue," all through the suburbs — and finally, is smothered by a pair of 
bed-beaters in Moorfields. 

According to popular theory the mischief ends not here. The dog's 
master — the trainer, the friends, human and canine — the Banlc Clerlis 
— the laundresses — sweetheart — mother and sisters — the two bed- 
beaters — all inherit the rabies, and run about to bite others. It is a 
wonder, the madness increasing by this ratio, that examples are not 
running in packs at every turn : — my experience, notwithstanding, 
records but one instance. 

It was my Aunt's brute. His temper, latterly, had altered for the 
worse, and in a sullen, or insane fit, he made a snap at the cook's 
radish-like fingers. The act demanded an inquest De Lunatico In- 



520 



A MAD DOG. 



quirendo — lie was lugged neck and crop to a full bucket ; but j-ou may 
bring a horse to the water, says the Proverb, yet not tnahe him drink, 
and the cur asserted the same independence. To make sure, Betty 
cast the whole gallon over him, a favour that he received with a mood 
that would have been natural in any mortal. His growl was conclusive. 

The cook alanaed, first 
the family, and then the 
neighbourhood, which 
poured all its males ca- 
pable of bearing arms 
into the passage. There 
were sticks, staves, 
swords, and a gun ; a 
prong or two, moreover, 
glistened here and there. 
The kitchen-door was 
occupied by the iirst 
rank of the column, their 
weapons all bristling in 
advance ; and right op- 
posite — at the further 
side of the kitolien, and 
holding all the army at 
bay—stood Hydrophobia — " in its most dreadful form ! " 

Conceive, Mulready .' under this horrible figure of speech, a round, 
goggle-eyed pug-face, supported by two stumpy bandy-legs--the fore- 
limbs of a long, pampered, sausage-like body, that rested on a similar 
pair of crotchets at the other end ! Not without short wheezy pantings, 
he begim to waddle towards the guarded entry—but before he had 
accomplished a quarter of the distance, there resounded the report of a 
musket. The poor Turnspit gave a yell— the little brown bloated body 
tumbled over, pierced by a dozen slugs, but not mortally ; for before 
the piece could be reloaded, he contrived to lap up a little pool— from 
Oetty's bucket— that had settled beside the hearth. 




CALLING &- MffiETlNO. 



W ~- 




TUU MAM. CIIaXLL. 



521, 



PIEOUETTES. 



" Don't tell me," said my uncle, " of your Operatives (he meant 
Opera-dancers) who spin ahout like teetotums or peg-tops. I am for 
none of your whirligigs. It is a mere toui- deforce, to show how many 
revolutions they can make on one leg ; and nine times in ten the per- 
former, especially a male one, shows by his face, at the conclusion, what 
a physical exertion it has been. The best dancers are sparing of such 
manoeuvres ; for they know that any appearance of effort is fatal to 
Grace. When I say the best dancers, I mean such Artistes as Taglioni, 
and others of the same school; who, by the way, always seemed to me 
to deserve the same encomium that King Solomon bestowed on the lilies 
— they TOIL not, neither do they spin." 




AGRICULTUKAI. DISTRESS. 



EPIGEAM 

ON THE AET-UNIONS. 



That Picture-Raffles will conduce to nourish 
Design, or cause good Colouring to flourish, 
Admits of logic- chopping and wise sawing, 
But surely Lotteries encourage Drawing ! 



b-2-i 




UNCONSCIOUS IMITATIOK. 



ODE TO THE CAMELEOPARD, 



Welcome to Freedom's birth-place — and a den I 

Great Anti-climax, hail ! 
So very lofty in thy front — but then, 
So dwindling at the tail ! — 
In truth, thou hast the most unequal legs ! 
Has one pair gallopp'd, whilst the other ftotted, 
Along with other brethren, leopard-spotted, 
O'er Afric sand, where ostriches lay eggs? 
Sure thou wert caught in some hard uphill chase. 
Those hinder heels still keeping thee in check ! 

And yet thou seem'st prepared in anj' case, 

Tho' they had lost the race, 
To win it by a neck I 

That lengthy neck — how like a crane's it looks ! 
Art thou the overseer of all the brutes ? 
Or dost thou browse on tip-top leaves or fruits — 
Or go a bird-nesting amongst the rooks '? 
How kindly Nature caters for all wants ; 
Thus giving unto thee a neck that stretches, 

And high food fetches — 
To some a long nose, like the elephant's ! 



ODE TO THE CAMliLEOPAKU. 



&a3 



Oh ! hadst thou auy organ to tliy bellows. 
To turn thy breath to speech in human style, 

What secrets thou mightst tell us, 
Where now our scientific guesses fail ; 

For instance of the Nile, 
Whether those Seven Mouths have auy tail — 

Mayhap thy lack too, 
From that high head, as from a lofty hill, 
Has let thee see the marvellous Timbuctoo — 
Or drink of Niger at its infant rill ; 
What were the travels of our Major Denharn, 

Or Glapperton, to thine 

In that same line. 
If thou couldst only squat thee down and pen 'em ! 

Strange sights, indeed, thou must have overlook'd, 
With eyes held ever in such vantage-stations ! 




ArPvICAN WRECKEP.S, 



Hast seen, perchance, unhappy white folks cook'd. 

And then made free of negro corporations ? 

Poor wretches saved from cast away three-deckers- 

By sooty wreckers — 
From hungry waves to have a loss still drearier, 
To far exceed the utmost aim of Park — 
And find themselves, alas ! beyond the mark, 
In the insides of Africa's Interior ! 
Live on. Giraffe ! genteelest of raff kind I 
Admired by noble, and by royal tongues I 



524 



ODE TO THK CAMULEOPARD. 



May no pernicious wind. 
Or English fog, blight thj exotic lungs ! 
Live on in happy peace, altho' a rarity, 
Nor envy thy poor cousin's more outrageous 

Parisian popularity ; 
Whose very leopard-rash is grown contagious, 




WHITE-BAIT, 



And worn on gloves and ribbons all about, 

Alas ! they'll wear him out ! 

So thou shalt take thy sweet diurnal feeds — 

When he is stuff'd with undigested straw, 

Sad food that never visited his jaw ! 

And staring round him with a brace of beads ! 




^ ?^ . 

IS AND OUT PENSIONERS. 



625 




ACTED RIDDLE. — " WHY CAN I NEVER BE . 



A LEGEND OF NAVAERE. 



'TwAS in the reigu of Lewis, call'd the Great, 
As one may read on his triumphal arches, 

The thing befel I'm going to relate, 

In course of one of those " pomposo " marches 

He lov'd to make, like any gorgeous Persian, 

Partly for war, and partly for diversion. 

Some wag had it put in the royal brain 

To drop a visit at an old chateau, 
Quite unexpected, with his courtly train ; 

The monarch lik'd it, — but it happened so, 
That Death had got before them by a post. 
And they were " reckoning without their host," 

Who died exactly as a child should die, 
Without a groan or a convulsive breath, 

Closing without one pang his quiet eye, 
Sliding composedly from sleep — to death; 

A corpse so placid ne'er adorn 'd a bed, 

He seem'd not quite— but only rather dead. 

All night the widow'd Baroness contriv'd 
To shed a widow's tears ; but on the morrow 



SS6 



A LEGEND OP NAVARHE. 



Some news of such unusual sort arriv'd, 

There came strange alteration iu her sorrow ; 
From mouth to mouth it pass'd, one common humming 
Throughout the house — the King ! the King is coming 

The Baroness, with all her soul and heart, 
A loyal woman, (now called ultra roj'al,) 

Soon thrust all funeral concerns apart, 
And only thought about a banquet royal ; 

In short, by aid of earnest preparation. 

The visit quite dismiss'd the visitation. 

And, spite of all her grief for the ex-mate, 

There was a secret hope she could not smother, 

That some one, early, might replace " the late " — 
It was too soon to think about another ; 

Yet let her minutes of despair be reckon'd 

Against her hope, which was but for a second. 



,«.fiK'.v 




I DO PEnCEIVE HERE A DlVIDrD DUTY.* 

She almost thought that being thus bereft 
Just then, was one of time's propitious touches 

A thread in such a nick so nick'd, it left 
Free opportunity to be a duchess ; 

Thus all her care was only to look pleasant 

But as for tears— she dropp'd them— for the presenf. 



A LEGEND OF NAVARRE. 



537 



Iler housebold, as good servants ought to try, 
Look'd like their lady — anything but sad, 

And giggled even that they might not cry, 
To damp fine company ; in truth they had 

No time to mourn, tjiro' choking turkeys' throttles, 

Scouring old laces, and reviewing bottles. 




FRli'NDS IT.OPriXO IX. 



Oh what a liubbub for the house of woe ! 

All, resolute to one irresolution. 
Kept tearing, swearing, plunging to and fro, 

Just like another French mob-revolution. 
There lay the corpse that could not stir a muscle. 
But all the rest seem'd Chaos in a bustle. 



The Monarch came : oh ! who could ever guess 
The Baroness had been so late a weeper ! 

The kingly grace and more than graciousness. 
Buried the poor defunct some fathoms deeper,- 

Could he have had a glance — alas, poor Being ! 

Seeing would certainly have led to D — ing. 

For casting round about her eyes to find 
Some one to whom her chattels to endorse. 

The comfortable dame at last inclin'd 

To choose the cheerful Master of the Horse ; 



5S8 



A LFCEND OF NAVARKE. 



He was so gay, — so tender, — tlie complete 
Nice man, — the sweetest of the monarch's suite. 



He saw at once and enter'd in the lists — • 
Glance unto glance made amorous replies ; 

They talk'd together like two egotists, 
In conversation all made up of eyes: 

No couple ever got so right consort-ish 

Within two hours — a courtship rather shortish. 

At last, some sleepy, some by wine opprest, 
The courtly company began " nid noddin ; " 

The King first sought his chamber, and the rest 
Instanter followed by the course he trod in. 

I shall not please the scandalous by showing 

The order, or disorder of their going. 




" OOOD Kioni ! ALL'S H ELL ! " 

The old Chateau, before that night, had never 
Held half so many underneath its roof; 

It task'd the Baroness's best endeavour, 
And put her best contrivance to the proof, 

To give them chambers up and down the stairs, 

In twos and tlirees, by singles, and by pairs. 



A LFGESD OF NAVARUE. 



529 



She had just lodging for the whole — yet barely ; 

And some, that were both broad of back and tall, 
Lay on spare beds that served them very sparely ; 

However, there were beds enough for all ; 
But living bodies occupied so many. 
She could not let the dead one take up any ! 




WEEHY 4NP WISE. 



The act was, certainly, not over decent : 

Some small respect, e'en after death, she ow'd him, 
Considering his death had been so recent ; 

However, by command, her servants stow'd him. 




A BIRD FOn THE TABLE. 



(I am asham'd to think how he was slubber'd,) 
Stuck bolt upright within a corner cupboard ! 

SECOND SERIES. 



530 



A LEGEKD OF NAVAnriE. 



And tbere he slept as soundly as a post, 
With no more pillow than an oaken shelf; 

Just like a kind accommodating host, 
Taking all inconvenience on himself; 

None else slept in that room, except a stranger, 

A decent man, a sort of Forest Eanger. 

Who, whether he had gone too soon to bed, 
Or dreamt himself into an appetite, 

Howbeit he took a longing to be fed, 
About the hungry middle of the night ; 

So getting forth, he sought some scrap to eat. 

Hopeful of some stray pasty, or cold meat. 




MUTTON' AND CAPERS. 



The casual glances of the midnight moon, 
Bright'ning some antique ornaments of brass. 

Guided his gropings to that corner soon, 
Just where it stood, the cofiin-safe, alas ! 

He tried the door — then shook it — and in course 

Of time it open'd to a little force. 

He put one hand in, and began to grope ; 

The place was very deep and quite as dark as 
The middle night ;— when lo ! beyond his hope, 

He felt a something cold, in fact, the carcase; 



A LEGEND OF NAVABRE, 

Right oveijoy'd, he laugh'd, and blest his luck 
At finding, as he thought, this haunch of huck ! 

Then striding back for his couteau de chasse, 
Determined on a little midnight lunching. 

He came again and prob'd about the mass. 
As if to find the fattest bit for munching ; 

Not meaning -wastefully to cut it all up. 

But only to abstract a little collop. 



531 




^^. 



'yyki'ki. 



"^'^tA^'^-^^SsS.-^^^ 



AS3-A5S-INATION. 



But just as he had struck one greedy stroke, 
His hand fell down quite powerless and weak ; 

For when he cut the haunch it plainly spoke 
As haunch of ven'son never ought to speak ; 

No wonder that his hand could go no further — 

Whose could ? — to carve cold meat that bellow'd, "murther ! " 

Down came the Body with a bounce, and down 

The Ranger sprang, a staii-case at a spring, 
And bawl'd enough to waken up a town ; 

Some thought that they were murder'd, some, the King, 
And, like Macduff, did nothing for a season. 
But stand upon the spot and bellow, " Treason ! " 

A hundred nightcaps gather'd in a mob, 

Torches drew torches, swords brought swords together, 

M M 2 



632 



A LEGEND OF KAVARKE, 



It seem'd so dark and perilous a job ; 

The Baroness came trembling like a feather 
Just in the rear, as pallid as a corse. 
Leaning against the Master of the Horse 

A dozen of the bravest up the stair. 

Well lighted and well watch 'd, began to clamber; 
They sought the door — they found it — they were there, 

A dozen heads went poking in the chamber ; 
And lo ! with one hand planted on his hurt. 
There stood the body bleeding thro' his shirt, — 




"I'll have youb person," 

No passive corse — but like a duellist 

Just smarting from a scratch — in fierce position, 
One hand advano'd, and ready to resist ; 

In fact, the Baron doif'd the apparition. 
Swearing those oaths the French delight in most, 
And for the second time " gave up the ghost ! " 

A living miracle ! — for why ? — the knife 

That cuts so many off from grave gray haire. 

Had only carv'd him kindly into life : 

How soon it chang'd the posture of affaire ! 

The difference one person more or less 

Will make in families, is past all guess. 



A LEGEND OF NAVARRE. 



533 



There stood the Baroness — no widow jet : 
Here stood the Baron — " in the body " stir 

There stood the Horses' Master iu a pet, 
Choking with disappointment's bitter pill, 

To see the hope of his reversion fail, 

Like that of riding on a donkey's tail. 




VERY DEAi' INDEED. 



The Baron liv'd — 'twas, nothing but a trance ; 

The lady died — 'twas nothing but a death ; 
The cupboard-out serv'd only to enhance 

This postscript to the old Baronial breath : 
He soon forgave, for the revival's sake, 
A little chop intended for a steak ! 




OO, THE KING Or BASON. 



534 




IDOLATRY. 



AN ABSENTEE. 



If ever a man wanted a flapper — no Butcher's mimosa, or catch-fly, 
but one of those officers in use at the court of Laputa — my friend 

W should have such a remembrancer at his elbow. I question 

■whether even the appliance of a bladder full of peas, or pebbles, would 
arouse him from some of his abstractions — fits of mental insensi- 
bility, parallel with those bodily trances in which persons have some- 
times been coffined. Not that he is entangled in abstruse problems, 
like the nobility of the Flying Island ! He does not dive, like Sir 
Isaac Newton, into a reverie, and turn up again with a Theory of 
Gravitation. His thoughts are not deeply engaged elsewhere — they 
are nowhere. His head revolves itself, top-like, into a profound 
slumber : — a blank doze without a dream. He is not carried away by 
incoherent rambling fancies, out of himself, — he is not drunk, merely, 
with the Waters of Oblivion, but drowned in them, body and soul ! 

There is a story, somewhere, of one of these absent persons, who 
stooped down, when tickled about the calf by a blue-bottle, and scratched 
his neighbour's leg : an act of tolerable forgetfulness, but denoting a 

state far short of W 's absorptions. He would never have felt 

the fly. 

To make W 's condition more whimsical, he lives in a small 

bachelor's house, with no other attendant than an old housekeeper — 
one Mistress Bundy, of faculty as infirm and intermitting as his own. 
It will be readily believed that her absent fits do not originate, any 



AN ABSENTEE. 



535 



more than her master's, in abstruse mathematical speculations — a 
proof, with me, that such moods result, not from abstraction of mind, 
but stagnation. How so ill-sorted a couple contrive to get through the 
common-place affairs of life, I am not prepared to say: but it is comical 
indeed to see him ring up Mistress Bundy to receive orders, which he 
generally forgets to deliver — or if delivered, this old Bewildered Maid 
lets slip out of her remembrance with the same facility. Numberless 
occurrences of this kind — in many instances more extravagant — are 
recorded by his friends ; but an evening that I spent with him recently, 
will furnish an abundance of examples. 

In spite of going by his own invitation, I found W within. He 

was too apt, on such occasions, to be denied to his visitors ; but what 
in others would be an unpardonable affront, was overlooked in a man 
who was not always at home to himself. The door was opened by the 
housekeeper, whose absence, as usual, would not allow her to decide 
upon that of her master. 
Her shrill quavering voice 
went echoing up stairs 
with its old query, — " Mr. 
W ' are you with- 
in ? " then a pause, liter- 
ally for him to collect 
himself. Anon came his 
answer, and I was ushered 
up-stairs, Mrs. Bundy 
contriving, as usual, to 
forget my name at the 
first landing-place. I had 
therefore to introduce my- 
self formally to W . 

whose old friends came 

to him always as if with 

new faces. As for what 

followed, it was one of the 

old fitful colloquies — a 

game at conversation, 

sometimes with a partnei', 

sometimes with a dummy ; 

the old woman's memory 

in the meantime growing 

torpid on a kitchen-chair. 

Hour after hour passed away : no tea-spoon jingled, or tea-cup rattled ; 

no murmuring kettle or hissing urn found its way upward from one 

Haunt of Forgetfulness to the other. In short, as might have been 

expected with an Absentee, the Tea was absent. 

It happens that the meal in question is not one of my essentials ; I 
therefore never hinted at the In Tea Speravi of my visit; but at the turu 
of eleven o'clock, my host rang for the apparatus. The Chinese ware 




HOUND DKAWING COVER. 



536 



AN ABSENTEE. 



was brought up, but the herb was deficient. Mrs. Bundy went fcith, 
by command, for a supply ; but it was past grocer-time, and we 
arranged to malce amends by an early supper, which came, however, as 
proportionably late as the tea. By dint of those freedoms which you 
must use with an entertainer who is absent at his own table, I co^atrived 

to sup sparely ; and W 's memory, blossoming like certain flowers, 

in the night, reminded him that I was accustomed to go to bed on a 
tUDibler of Geneva and water. He kept but one bottle of each of the 

three kinds. Rum, Brandy, and 






Hollands, in the house ; and when 
exhausted they were replenished 
nt the tavern a few doora off. 
Luckily, for it was far beyond the 
midnight hour when, according to 
our vapid magistracy, all spirits 
are evil, the three vessels were 
full, and merely wanted bringing 
up stairs. The kettle was singing 
on the hob : the tumblers, with 
spoons in them, stood miraculously 
ready on the board ; and Mrs. 
Bundy was really on her way from 
below with the one thing needful. 
Never were fair hopes so unfairly 
blighted ! I could hear her step 
labouring on the stairs to the very 
last step, when her memory serving her just as treacherously as her 
forgetfulness, or rather both betraying her together, there befel the 
accident which I have endeavoured to record by the accompanying 
sketch. 

I never ate or drank with the Barmecide acjaiii ! 




' LAWK ! I've fohqot the brandy ! 



-;-4 




TURKEY HUNTING 



587 




THE FLYING DDTCHMAN, 



THE DEMON-SHIP. 



SioEii s of storm-ships and haunted vessels, of spectre-shallops, and 
suponiati ral Dutch doggers, are common to many countries, and are 
well attested both in poetry and prose. The adventures of Sol way 
sailors, vith Mahound, in his bottomless barges, and the careerings of 
the phan'om-ship up and down the Hudson, have hundreds of asserters 
besides Messrs. Cunningham and Crayon ; and to doubt their authen- 
ticity nray seem like an imitation of the desperate sailing of the haunted 
vessels themselves against wind and tide. I cannot help fancying, how- 
ever, that Richard Faulder was but one of those tavern-dreamers 
recorded by old Heywood, who conceived 

" The room wherein they quaff d to he a pinnace." 

And as for the Flying Dutchman, my notion is very differeut from the 
popular conception of that apparition, as I have ventured to show by the 
above design. The spectre-ship, bound to Dead-Man's Isle, is almost 
as awful a craft as the skeleton-bark of the Ancient Mariner; but they 
are both fictions, and have not the advantage of being realities, like the 
dreary vessel with its dreary crew in the following story, which records 
an adventure that befel even unto myself. 



'Tw.\s off the Wash — the sun went down — the sea look'd black and 

grim, 
For stormy clouds, with murky fleece, were mustering at the brim ;, 
Titanic shades ! enormous gloom ! — as if the solid night 
Of Erebus rose suddenly to seize upon the light ! 



538 



THE DEMON-SHir. 



It was a time for mariners to bear a wary eye, 

With such a dark conspiracy between the sea and sky ! 

Down went my helm — close reef'd — the tack held freely in iny 

hand — 
With ballast snug— I put about, and scudded for the land. 
Loud hiss'd the sea beneath her lee — my little boat flew fast. 
But faster still the rushing storm came borne upon the blast. 




Lord ! what a roaring hurricane beset the straining sail ! 

What furious sleet, with level drift, and fierce assaults of hail ! 

What darksome caverns yawn'd before ! what jagged steeps behind ! 

Like battle-steeds, with foamy manes, wild tossing in the wind. 

Each after each sank down astern, exhausted in the chase, 

But where it sank another rose and gallop'd in its place ; 

As black as night — they turned to white, and cast against the cloud 

A snowy sheet, as if each surge upturn 'd a sailor's shroud : — 

Still flew my boat ; alas ! alas ! her course was nearly run ! 

Behold yon fatal billow rise — ten billows heap'd in one ! 

With fearful speed the dreary mass came rolling, rolling, fast, 

As if the scooping sea contnin'd one only wave at last ! 

Still on it came, with horrid roar, a swift pursuing grave ; 

It seem'd as though some cloud had turn'd its hugeness to a wave ! 

Its briny sleet began to beat beforehand in my face — 

T felt the rearward keel begin to climb its swelling base ! 



THE DEMOK-SHIP. 



539 



I saw its alpine hoary head impending over mine ! 
Another pulse — and down it rush'd — an avalanche of brine 1 
Brief pause had I, on God to cry, or think of wife and home ; 
The waters clos'd — and when I shriek'd, I shriek'd below the foam ! 




' HOW HARD IT RAINS ! " 



Beyond that rush I have no hint of any after deed — 
For I was tossing on the waste, as senseless as a weed. 



" Where am I ? in the breathing world, or in the world of death ? 
With sharp and sudden pang I drew another birth of breath ; 
My eyes drank in a doubtful light, my ears a doubtful sound — 
And was that ship a real ship whose tackle seem'd around ? 
A moon, as if the earthly moon, was shining up aloft ; 
But were those beams the very beams that I have seen so oft ? 
A face that mock'd the human face, before me watch'd alone ; 
But were those eyes the eyes of man that look'd against my own? 

Oh ! never may the moon again disclose me such a sight 
As met my gaze, when first I look'd, on that accursed night ! 
I've seen a thousand horrid shapes begot of fierce extremes 
Of fever; and most frightful things have haunted in my dreams- 
Hyenas — cats — blood-loving bats — and apes with hateful stare — 
Pernicious snakes, and shaggy bulls — the lion, and she-bear— 



640 THE DEMON-SHIP. 

Strong enemies, with Judas looks, of treachery and spite — 
Detested features, hardly dimm'd and banish 'd by the light ! 
Pale-sheeted ghosts, with gory locks, upstarting frona their tombs — 
All phantasies and images that flit in midnight glooms — 
Hags, goblins, demons, lemures, have made me all aghast, — 
But nothing like that Gkimly One who stood beside the mast ! 

His cheek was black — his brow was black — his eyes and hair as dark: 
His hand was black, and where it toiich'd, it left a sable mark ; 
His throat was black, his vest the same, and when I look'd beneath. 
His breast was black — all, all was black, except his grinning teeth. 
His sooty crew were like in hue, as black as Afric slaves ! 
Oh, horror ! e'en the ship was black that plough 'd the inky waves ! 




POLV.'IIEMUS. — "there HE GOES WITH HIS EYE OUT!" 

" Alas ! " I cried, " for love of truth and blessed mercy's sake. 
Where am I? in what dreadful ship? upon what dreadful lake.'' 
What shape is that, so very grim, and black as any coal? 
It is Mahound, the Evil One, and he has gniu'd my soul ! 
Oh, mother dear ! my tender nurse ! dear meadows that beguil'd 
My happy days, when I was yet a little sinless child, — 
My mother dear — my native fields, I never more shall see : 
I'm sailing in the Devil's Ship, upon the Devil's Sea! " 

Loud laugh'd that Sable Maiiinek, and loudly in return 

His sooty crew sent forth a laugh that rang from stem to stern — 



AN EXPLANATION. 



511 



A dozen pair of grimly cheeks were crumpled on the nonce — 

As many sets of grinning teeth came shining out at once : 

A dozen gloomy shapes at once enjoy 'd the merry fit, 

With shriek and yell, and oaths as well, like Demons of the Pit. 

They crow'd their fill, and then the Chief made answer for 

whole ; — 
" Our skins," said he, " are black ye see, because we carry coal ; 
You'll find your mother sure enough, and see your native fields — 
For this here ship has pick'd you up — the Mary Ann of Shields ! 



\he 




'VICH 13 MY VAT TO NEWGIT?'* 



AN EXPLANATION 



BY ONE OF THE LIVERY, 



Says Blue-and-Buff, to Drab-and-Pink, 
" I've heard the hardest word I think, 
That ever posed me since my teens, 
I wonder what As-best-os means ! " 



Says Drab-and-Pink, to Blue-and-Buff, 
" The word is clear, and plain enough, 
It means a Nag wot goes the pace. 
And so as best os wins the race." 



642 




"S.A.TV TE JONNIE COMING t " 



SALLY HOLT, AND THE DEATH OF JOHN 
HAYLOFT. 



FouE times in tlie year — twice at the season of the half-yearly 
dividends, and twice at the intermediate quarters, to make her slender 
investments — there calls at my Aunt Shakerly's, a very plain, very 
demure maiden, about forty, and makes her way downward to the 
kitchen, or upward to my cousin's chamber, as may happen. Her 
coming is not to do chair-work, or needle-work — to tell fortunes — to 
beg, steal, or borrow. She does not come for old clothes, or for new. 
Her simple errand is love — pure, strong, disinterested, enduring love, 
passing the love of women — at least for women. 

It is not often servitude begets much kindliness between the two 
relations ; hers, however, grew from that ungenial soil. For the whole 
family of the Shakerlies she has a strong feudal attachment, but her 
particular regard dwells with Charlotte, the latest born of the clan. 
Hei- she doats upon — her she fondles — and takes upon her longing, 
loving lap. 

let not the oblivious attentions of the worthy Dominie Sampson, 
to the tall boy Bertram, be called an unnatural working! I have seen 
my cousin, a good feeder, and well grown into womanhood, sitting — 
two good heads taller than her dry-nurse — on the knees of the simple- 
hearted Sally Holt ! I have seen the huge presentation orange, 



SALLY HOLT, AND THE DEATH OF JOHN HAYLOFT. 



643 




unlapp'd from the bomely speckled kerchief, and thrust with importunate 
tenderness into the bashful marriageable hand. 

My cousin's heart is not so artificially composed as to let her scorn 
this humble affection, 
though she is puzzled 
sometimes with -what 
kind of look to receive 
these honest but awk- 
ward endearments. T 
have seen her face qui- 
vering with half a laugh. 

It is one of Sally's 
staple hopes that, some 
day or other, when Miss 
Charlotte keeps house, 
she will live with her 
Hs a servant ; and this 
expectation makes her 
particular and earnest to 
a fault in her inquiries 
rcbout sweethearts, and 
offers, and the matrimo- 
nial chances : questions 
which I have seen my 
cousin listen to willi 
half a cry. 

Perhaps Sally looks upon this confidence as her right, in return for 
those secrets which, by joint force of ignorance and affection, she coultl 
not help reposing in the bosom of her foster-mistress. Nature, unkind 
to her, as to Dogberry, denied to her that 
Imowledge of reading and writing which 
comes to some by instinct. A strong prin- 
ciple of religion made it a darling point 
with her to learn to read, that she might 
study in her Bible ; but in spite of all the 
help of my cousin, and as ardent a desire 
for learning as ever dwelt in scholar, poor 
Sally never mastered beyond A-Bab. Her 
mind, simple as her heart, was unequal to 
any more difficult combinations. Writing 
was worse to her than conjuring. My cousin 
was her amanuensis : and from the vague, 
unaccountable mistrust of ignorance, the 
inditer took the pains always to compare 
the verbal message with the transcript, by 
counting the number of the words. 

I would give up all the tender epistles 
of Mrs. Arthur Brooke, to have read one of Sally's epistles ; but thoy 



MOUNT rLK\SA*TT. 




"THE UNWIELDY ELEPHANT 

TO MAKE THKM MIRTH USED ALL 
HIS MIGHT." 



54-1 



SALLY HOLT, AND THE DEATH OF JOHN HAYLOFT. 



were amatory, and therefore kept sacred : for plain as she was, Sally 
Holt had a lover. 

There is an unpretending plainness in some faces that has its charm 
—an unaffected ugliness, a thousand times more bewitching than those 
wotild-he pretty looks that neither satisfy the critical sense, nor leave 

the matter of beauty at 
once to the imagination. 
We like better to make 
a new face than to mend 
an old one. Sally had 
not one good feature, 
except those which John 
Hayloft made for her 
in his dreams ; and to 
judge from one token, 
her partial fancy was 
equally answerable for 
his charms. One pre- 
cious lock — no, not a 
lock, but rather a rem- 
nant of very short, very 
coarse, very yellow hair, 
the clippings of a mili- 
tary crop, for John was 
a corporal — stood the 
foremost item amongst 
her treasures. To her 
ihey were curls, golden, Hyperion, and cherished long after the 
parent-head was laid low, with many more, on the bloody plain of 
Salamanca. 

I remember vividly at this moment, the ecstasy of her grief at the 
receipt of the fatal news. She was standing near the dresser with a 
dish, just cleaned, in her dexter hand. Ninety-nine women in a 
hundred would have dropped the dish. Many would have flung them- 
selves after it on the floor ; but Sally put it up, orderly, on the shelf 
The fall of John Hayloft could not induce the fall of the crockery. 
She felt the blow notwithstanding ; and as soon as she had emptied her 
hands, began to give way to her emotions in her own manner. 
Affliction vents itself in various modes, with different temperaments ; 
some rage, others compose themselves like monuments. Some weep, 
some sleep, some prose about death, and othei-s poetise on it. Many 
take to a bottle, or to a rope. Some go to Margate, or Bath. 

Sally did nothing of these kinds. She neither snivelled, travelled, 
sickened, maddened, nor ranted, nor canted, nor hung, nor fuddled her- 
self — she only rocked herself upon the kitchen chair ! ! 

The action was not adequate to her relief. She got up — took a fresh 
chair — then another — and another— and another, — till she had rocked 
on all the chairs in the kitchen. 




NATLfRE ASD ART. 



SALLY HOLT, AND THE DEATH OF JOHN HATLOFT. 



■545 




'joy, joy, for ever— my task is dose, 
the gate is past " 



The thing was tickling to both sympathies. It was pathetical to 
behold her grief, but ludicrous tliat she knew no better how to grieve. ' 

An American might 
have thought that she 
Was in the act of enjoy- 
ment, but for an intermit- 
ting " dear ! O dear ! " 
Passion could not wring 
more from her in the 
way of exclamation than 
the tooth-ache. Her la- 
mentations were always 
the same, even in tone. 
By and bye she pulled 
out the hair — the crop- 
ped, yellow, stunted, 
scrubby hair; then she 
fell to rocking — then 
"Odear! Odear!"— 
and then Da Capo. 

It was an odd sort of elegy, and yet, simple as it was, I thought it 
worth a thousand of Lord Littleton's ! 

"Heyday, Sally! what 
is the matter ? " was a 
I'ery natural inquiry 
from my Aunt, when 
the came down into the 
kitchen ; and if she did 
not make it with her 
tongue, at least it was 
asked very intelligibly by 
her eyes. Now Sally 
had but one way of ad- 
dressing her mistress, 
and she used it here. 
It was the same with 
which she would have 
asked for a holiday, ex- 
cept that the waters 
stood in her eyes. 

" If you please, 
Ma'am," said she, ris- 
ing up from her chair, 
and dropping her old 
curtsey," if you please, 
Ma'am, it's John Hayloft 
is dead : " and then she began rocking again, as if grief was a baby that 
wanted jogging to sleep. 

SECOND SERIES. K N 




A DIS3ESTEE'a MARRIAGE. 



546 



BPIGBAM. 



My Aunt was posed. She would fain have comforted the mourner, 
but her mode of grieving was so out of the common way, that she did 
not know how to begin. To the violent she might have brought 
soothing ; to the desponding, texts of patience and resignation ; to the 
hysterical, sal volatile ; she might have asked the sentimental for the 
story of her woes. A good scolding is useful with some sluggish griefs 
— in some oases a cordial. In others — a job. 

If Sally had only screamed, or bellowed, or fainted, or gone stupified, 
or raved, or said a collect, or moped about, it would have been easy to 
deal with her. But with a woman that only rocked on her chair 

What the devil could my Aunt do ? — 

Why, nothing : — and she did it as well as she could. 




STICK TO THY BUSINESS, AKI> THY BUSINESS WILL STICK TO THEE." 



EPIGRAM 

ON" THE DEPRECIATED JION'EY. 



They may talk of the plugging and sweating 

Of our coinage that's minted of gold, 
But to me it produces no fretting 

Of its shortness of weight to be told : 
All the sov'reigns I'm able to levy 

As to lightness can never be wrong. 
But must surely be some of the heavv, 

For I never can cany them long. 



047 




HIGH AND LOW BOBN. 



PRILL ANIJ BROAD-CAST, 



JOHN TEOT. 



John Trot he was as tall a lad 

As York did ever rear — 
As his dear Granny used to say, 
He'd make a grenadier. 

A Serjeant soon came down to York, 

With ribbons and a frill : 
" My lads," said he, "let broadcast be. 

And come away to drill." 

But when he wanted John to 'list, 

In war he saw no fun. 
Where what is called a raw recruit, 

Gets often over-done. 

" Let others carry guns," said he, 

" And go to war's alarms, 
But I have got a shoulder-knot 

Impos'd upon my arms." 

For John he had a footman's place , 
To wait on. Lady Wye-r- " . 

She wasa dumpy "woman, tho' 
Her family was high. 



»si 



548 Joi™ TROT. 



Now when two years had past away, 

Her Lord took very ill, 
And left her to her widowhood, 

Of course more dumpy still. 

Said John, " I am a proper man. 

And very tall to see ; 
Who knows, hut now her Lord is low, 

She may look up to me? 

" A cunning woman told me once, 
Such fortune would turn up ; 

She was a kind of sorceress, 
But studied in a cup ! " 

So he walk'd up to Lady Wye, 

And took her quite amazed, — 
She thought, tho' John was tall enough, 
He wanted to be raised. 




PICI^TNG HIS WAY, 



But John — for why? she was a dame. 

Of such a dwarfish sort — 
Had only come to bid her make 

Her mourning very short 

Said he, " Your Lord is dead and cold, 

You only cry in vain ; 
Not all the Cries of London now, 

Could call him back again ! 



JOUN lEOT. 



64d 



" You'll soon have many a noble beau, 
To dry your noble tears — 

But just consider this, that I 
Have follow'd you for years. 

" And tho' you are above me far, 
What matters high degree, 

When you are only four foot nine. 
And I am six foot three ? 




'THIS WAY, ilAAil. 



" For tho' you are of lofty race, 

And I'm a low-born elf; 
Yet none among your friends could say, 

You matched beneath yourself." 

Said she, " Such insolence as this 

Can be no common case ; 
Tiju' you are in my service, sir. 

Your love is out of place." 

" Lady Wye ! Lady Wye ! 

Consider what you do ; 
How can you be so short with me, 

I am not so with you ! " 

Then ringing for her serving men, 
They show'd him to the door ; 

Said they, " You turn out better now. 
Why didn't you before ? " 



5 go EPiaBAM. 



They stripp'd his coat, and gave him kicks 

For all his wages due ; 
And off, instead of green and gold, 

He went in black and blue. 

No family would take him in, 

Because of this discharge ; 
So he made up his mind to serve 

The country all at large. 

Huzza ! the Serjeant cried, and put 

The money in his hand. 
And with a shilling cut him off 

From his paternal land. 

For when his regiment went to fight 

At Saragossa town, 
A Frenchman thought he look'd too tall, 

And so he cut him down ! 



EPIGRAM, 

ON THE CHINESE TEEATY. 



OuB wars are ended — foreign battles cease, — 
Great Britain owns an miiversal peace : 
And Queen Victoria triumphs over all, 
Still "Mistress of herself though China fall! " 




rONY-ATOWfiKI. 



661 




A MAY-DUKE. 



THE MONKEY-MARTYE, 



"God help thee, said I, but I'll let thee out, cost what it will ; 
the cage to get to the door." — Stekse, 



so 1 turned about 



'Tis strange, what awkward figures and odd capers 
Folks cut, who seek their doctrine from the papers ; 
But there are many shallow politicians, 
Who take their bias from bewilder'd journals — 

Turn state physicians, 
And make themselves fools'-caps of the diurnals. 
One of this kind, not human, but a monkey, 
Had read himself at last to this sour creed — 
That he was nothing but Oppression's flunkey, 
And man a tyrant over all his breed. 

He could not read 
Of niggers whipt, or over-trampled weavers. 
But he applied their wrongs to his own seed, 
And nourish'd thoughts that threw him into fevers. 
His very dreams were full of martial beavers. 
And drilling Pugs, for liberty pugnacious. 

To sever chains vexatious : 
In fact, he thought that all his injur'd line 
Should take up pikes in hand, and never drup 'em 
Till they had clear 'd a road to Freedom's shrine, — 
Unless perchance the turn-pike men should stop 'em. 



553 'IHIi MOSKKY-MARIYR. 

Full of this rancour, 
Pacing one day beside St. Clement Danes, 

It came into his brains 
To give a look in at the Crown and Anchor ; 




THE COURT OF CJIASCE- 



Where certain solemn sages of the nation 
Were at that moment in deliberation 
How to relieve the wide world of its chains, 

Pluck despots down, 

And thereby crown 
Whitee as well as blackee-man-cipatiou. 
Pug heard the speeches with great approbation. 
And gaz'd with pride upon the Liberators ; 

To see mere coal-heavers 

Such perfect Bolivars — 
Waiters of inns sublim'd to innovators. 
And slaters dignified as legislator — 
Small publicans demanding (such their high sense 
Of liberty) an universal license — 
And patten-makers easing Freedom's clogs — 

The whole thing seem'd 

So fine, be deem'd 
The smallest demagogues as great as Gogs ! 



THJi MOKKEY-WARl'i'll. 



553. 



Pug, with some curious notions in his noddle, 
Walk'd out at last, and turn'd into the Strand, 

To the left hand. 
Conning some portions of the previous twaddle, 




rOLl'ilLAL KCOKOJIV. 



And striding with a step that seem'd desigii'J 
To represent the mighty March of Mind, 

Instead of that slow waddle 
Of thought, to which our ancestors inclin'd — 




A SPECIAL I-LEADEB. 



No wonder, then, that he should quicltly find' 
He stood in front of that intrusive pile. 



5'-g":4' THE MONKEY-HARTi'K. 

Where Cross keeps many a kind 

Of bird confin'd, 
And free-born animal, in durance vile — 
A thought that stirr'd up all the monkey-bile ! 




"GO IT, NED ! " 

The window stood ajar — 

Tt was not far, 
Nor, like Parnassus, very hard to climb — 
The hour was verging on the supper-time. 
And many a growl was sent through many a bar 
Meanwhile Pug scrambled upward like a tar, 

And soon crept in, 

Unnotic'd in the din 
Of tuneless throats, that made the attics ring 
With all the harshest notes that they could bring ; 

For like the Jews, 

Wild beasts refuse. 
In midst of their captivity — to sing. 

Lord ! how it made him chafe, 
Full of his new emancipating zeal, 
To look around upon this brute-bastille, 
And see the king of creatures in — a safe ! 
The desert's denizen in one small deri, 
Swallowing slavery's most bitter pills — 



THE MO.SKiiT-MAEXyn. 86S 

A bear iu bars unbearable. And then 
The fretful porcupine, with all its quills 

Imprison'd iu a pen ! 
A tiger limited to four feet leu ; 

And, still worse lot, 

A leopard to one spot ! 

An elephant enlarg'd, 

But not discharg'd ; 
(It was before the elephant was shot ;) 
A doleful wanderoo, that wandered not ; 
An ounce much disproportion'd to his pound. 

Pug's wrath wax'd hot 
To gaze upon these captive creatures round ; 
Whose claws — all scratching — gave him full assurance 
They found their durance vile of vile endurance. 




WHAT 13 TTOETH DOING AT ALt, )S WORTH DOING WELL. 

He went above — -a solitary mounter 

Up gloomy stairs — and saw a pensive group 

Of hapless fowls — 

Cranes, vultures, owls, 
In fact, it was a sort of Poultry-Compter, 
Where feather'd prisoners were doom'd to droop 
Here sat an eagle, forc'd to make a stoop, 
Not from the skies, but his impending roof; 



5 5 (J TUK MOKKBI-MAHTYK. 

And there aloof, 
A pining ostrich, moping in a coop ; 
With other samples of the bird creation. 
All caged against their powers and their wills, 
And cramp'd in such a space, the longest bills 
Were plainly bills of least accommodation. 
In truth, it was a very ugly scene 
To fall to any liberator's share, 
To see those winged fowls, that once had been 
I'ree as the wind, no freer than fix'd air. 




SliKOVETIDE. SHYIKG AT A COCK. 

His temper little mended, 
Pug from this Bird-cage Walk at last descended 

Unto the lion and the elephant, 

His bosom in a pant 
To see all nature's Free List thus suspended, 
And beasts depriv'd of what she had intended 

They could not even prey 

In their own way ; 
A hardship always reckon'd quite prodigious 

Thus he revolv'd — 

And soon tesolv'd 
To give them freedom, civil and religious. 

That night there were no country cousins, raw 
From Wales, to view the lion and his kin : 



THE MONKET-MAETYR. 



5B7 



The keeper's eyes were fix'd upon a saw ; 
The saw was fix'd upon a bullock's shin : 
Meanwhile with stealthy paw, 
, Pug hastened to withdraw 
The holt that kept the king of brutes within. 
Now, monarch of the forest ! thou shalt win 
Precious enfranchisement — thy bolts are undone ; 
Thou art no longer a degraded creature, 
But loose to roam with liberty and nature ; 
And free of all the jungles about London — 
All Hampstead's heathy desert lies before thee ! 
Methinks I see thee bound from Cross's ark, 
Full of the native instinct that comes o'er thee, 

And turn a ranger 
Of Hounslow Forest, and the Regent's Park — 
Thin Rhodes's cows — the mail-coach steeds endanger, 
And gobble parish watchmen after dark ; — 
Methinks I see thee, with the early lark, 
Stealing to Merlin's cave — {thy cave). — Alas • 
That such bright visions should not come to pass ! 
Alas! for freedom, and for freedom's hero ! 

Alas ! for liberty of life and limb ! 
For Pug had only half unbolted Nero, 

When Nero bolted him ! 




"they've thboww otjt the bil^," 



55S 
ON THE POETRAIT OF A LADY. 

TAKEN BY THE DAGUEEEEOTTPE. 



Yes, there are her features ! her brow, and her hair. 

And her eyes, with a look so seraphic, 
Her nose, and her mouth, with the smile that is there, 

Truly caught by the Art Photographic ! 

Yet why should she borrow such aid of the skies. 

When by many a bosom's confession. 
Her own lovely face, and the light of her eyes, 

Are sufficient to malce an impression ? 




THB LADY IN COMUS. 



EPIGEAM 

ON THE NEW HALF-FAETHINGS. 



" Too small for any marketable shift. 
What purpose can there be for coins like these ? ' 
Hush, hush, good Sir 1 — Thus charitable Thrift 
May give a Mite to him who wants a cheese ! 



569 




"the army, ■fflXH THREE TIMES THREE ! '' 



THE VOLUNTEER. 



" The clashing of my armour in my ears 
Sounds like a passing bell ; my buckler puts me 
In mind of a bier ; this, my broadsword, a, pickaxe 
To dig my grave." — The Lovek's Pbogress. 



'TwAs in that memorable year 
France threaten'd to put off in 
Flat-bottom'd boats, intending each 
To be a British coffin. 
To make sad widows of our wives, 
And every babe an orphan — 

When coats were made of scarlet cloaks, 

And heads were dredg'd with flour, 

I 'listed in the Lawyers' Corps, 

Against the battle hour ; 

A perfect Volunteer — for why ? 

1 brought my " will and pow'r." 

One dreary day — a day of dread, 

Like Cato's, over-oast — 

About the hour of six, (the morn 

And I were breaking fast,) 

There came a loud a,nd sudden sound, 

That Btriiok me all aghast ! ' :- - 



S60 



THE VOLUNTEER. 



A dismal sort of morning roll, 
That was not to be eaten ; 
Although it was no skin of mine. 
But parchment, that was beaten, 
I felt tatoo'd through all my flesh. 
Like anv Otaheitnn. 




WHAT WILL THE WHIQS DO NEXT ? 

My jaws with utter dread enclosed 
The morsel I was munching^ 
And terror look'd them up so tight, 
My very teeth went crunching 




THE KLEOTRIOAL BEL. 



All through my bread and tongue at once, 
Like sandwich made at lunching. 



THE VOLUNTEER, 



501 



My hand that held the tea-pot fast, 

Sliffen'd, but yet unsteady, 

Kept pouring, pouring, pouring o'er 

The cup ill one long eddy. 

Till both my hose were mfirk'd with tea, 

As they were mark'd already. 




COUBT DAT. 

I felt my visage turn from red 
To white — from cold to hot ; 
But it was nothing wonderful 
My colour changed, I wot. 
For, like some variable silks, 
I felt that I was shot. 

And looking forth with anxious eye, 

From my snug upper story 

I saw our melancholy corps. 

Going to beds all gory ; 

The pioneers seem'd very loth 

To axe their way to glory. 

The captain march'd as mourners march, 
The ensign too seem'd lagging, 
And many more, although they were 
No ensigns, took to flagging — 



BEOOKD SERIES. 



56'3 



THE VOLUNTEER. 



Like corpses in the Serpentine, 
Metbought they wanted dragging, 

But wliile I watoh u, tlie tlwugbt of denth 

Camo like a chilly gust, 

And lo ! I shut the window down. 

With very little lust 

To join so many marching men. 

That soon might be March dust. 




HALF I'Ay. 



Quoth I, " Since Fate ordains it so, 

Our foe the coast must land on ; " — 

1 felt so warm beside the fire 

I cared not to abandon ; 

Our hearths and homes are always things 

That patriots make a stand on. 

" The fools that fight abroad for home," 
Thought T, " may get a wrong one ; 
Let those that have no homes at all. 
Go battle for a long one." 
The mirror here confirmed me this 
Reflection, by a strong one. 



TEIE VOLUNTEER. 



563 



For there, where I was won't to shave, 
And deck me like Adonis, 
There stood the leader of our foea, 
"With vultures for his cronies — 
No Corsican, but Death himself, 
The Bony of all Bonies. 




ILL SHOW TOTJ THE MANUAL EXEHCISE, 



A horrid sight it was, and sad 
To see the grisly chap 
Put on my crimson livery, 
And then begin to clap 
My helmet on — ah me ! it felt 
Like any felon's cap. 

My plume seem'd borrow'd from a hearse. 

An undertaker's crest ; 

My epaulettes like coffin-plates ; 

My belt so heavy press'd. 

Four pipeclay cross-roads seem'd to lie 

At once upon my breast. 

My brazen breast-plate only lack'd 
A little heap of salt, 



564 



THE VOLUNTEER. 



To make me like a corpse full dress'd, 
Preparing for the vault — 
To set up what the Poet calls 
My everlasting halt. 



^■'^^-^^ 




A SPLIT VOTE AND A PLUilPER, 

This funeral show inclined me quite 

To peace ; — and here I am ! 

Wliilst hetter lions go to war, 

Enjoying with the lamb 

A lengthen'd life, that might have been 

A Martial Epigram. 




THE LAST CUT. 



BRADBtTRY AND EVANS, PHIHTERS, ^VHITEFRIAR3.