The complete works of Thomas Nashe. In six volumes. For the first time collected and edited with memorial-introduction, notes and illustrations, etc.

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http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924064948908

THE HUTH LIBRARY.

THE

COMPLETE WORKS

OF

THOMAS NASHE.

VOL. II.

PIERCE PENILESSE HIS SVPPLICATION TO THE DIUELL.

HARVEY-GREENE TRACTATES :

i. a wonderfull strange and miraculous astrologicall
Prognostication.

ii. Strange Newes of the Intercepting certaine Letters^
IS92. .

When Saul receiv'd no anfwer down from heav'n,
How quickly was his jealous paffion driven
A defp'rate courfe ! He needs mull cure the itch
Of his extreme defiers, by a Witch :
When we have loft oiu: way to God,, how levell,
How eafie to be found 's the way to the Devell.
Francis Quarles (Chertsey Worthies' Library Edition,

' Divine Fancies,' p. zi6).

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FOR PRIVATE CfRCULATION ONLY

Cbe ^utt) li&rarp.

THE

COMPLETE WORKS

THOMAS NASHE.

IN FOUR VOLUMES.

FOR THE FIRST TIME COLLECTED AND EDITED
WITH MEMORIAL-INTRODUCTION, NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS, ETC.,

BY THE REV.

ALEXANDER B. GROSART, LL.D. (Edin,), F.S.A. (Scot.),
St. George's, Blackhurn, Lancashire.

VOL. II.

PIERCE PENILESSE HIS SVPPLICATION TO THE DIUELL.
HARVEY-GREENE TRACTATES :

i. A WONDERFULL STRANGE AND MIRACULOUS ASTROLOGICALL
PROGNOSTICATION.

ii. Strange Newes of the Intercepting certaine Letters.
1592,

PRINTED FOR PRIVATE CIRCULATION ONLY.

1883—84.
50 Copies, \

Printed by Hazell, IVatson, and Viney, London and Aylesbury.

CONTENTS.

PAGE

Pierce Penilesse his Svpplication to the Diuell i

Harvey-Greene Tractates—

i. a wonderfull strange and miraculous

astrologicall prognostication . . 139^

2. strange newes of the intercepting cer-

taine letters 171

Late tyr'd with wo, euen ready for to pine
Witii rage of loue, I cald my Loue vnltind ;
She in whofe eyes loue, though vnfelt, doth ihine,
Sweet faid, that I true loue in her fliould find.
I ioyed ; but ftraight thus watred was my wine :
That loue (he did, but loued a loue not bhnd ;
Which would not let me, whom ihee loued, decline
From nobler courfe, fit for my birth and mind.
And therfore, by her loue's authority,
Wild me thefe tempefts of vaine loue to flie.
And anchor faft my felfe on Vertue's fhore.
Alas, if this the only mettall be
Of loue new-coind to help my beggery,
Deere, loue me not, that you may loue me more.

Sir Philip Sidney : ' Aftrophell and Stella,' xii.

Jk^ ^i

V.

PIERCE PENILESSE

HIS SUPPLICATION TO THE

DIUELL.

1592.

N. II.

NOTE.

For the exemplar of 'Pierce Penileffe' of 1592 as sanctioned by its
Author, I am again indebted to the Huth Library. The semi-surrep-
titious one issued earlier in the same year by a different publisher —
Richard Jhones, against whom good Nicholas Breton made complaint
for his sharp practice in assigning to popular names productions that
were not really theirs — was reprinted by Mr. J. Payne Collier, most
perfunctorily and carelessly, for the ' Shakespeare Society' (1 vol., 1843).
The title-page — showing the ' long taile ' which Nash demands shall be
suppressed — is given on our verso of that of 1592 prepared by him in
substitution, together with Jhones's short Epistle. As an Appendix-
Note to ' Pierce Penileffe,' 1 add at the close of our reproduction, such
' faults ' of the Jhones edition as seem to call for record, albeit I suspect
some at least belong to Mr. Collier himself, rather than to his (unique)
exemplar. Be this as it may, our text corrects many irritating misprints,
and gives better readings in several important places. It is a small 4to,
16 leaves, unpaged, and folios (i.e. on one side, from 17 to 40, 2 — L. iii.).
See our ' Memorial-Introduction — Critical,' in Vol. IV. , for notices of
this singular book, including a contemporary French translation ; also
' Memorial-Introduction — Biographical,' in Vol. I. — A. B. G.

Pierce Penileffe
HIS SVPPLICATION

to the DiuelL

Barbaria grandis habere nihil.

Written by Tho. Najh, Gent.

LONDON,

Printed by Abell lefFes, for
lohn Bufbie, 1592.

Original semi-surreptitious Title-page and Epistle to Readers.

PIERCE PENILESSE

HIS SUPPLICATION TO
THE DEUILL.

Defcribing the ouer-fpreading of Vice, and
the fuppreiTion of Vertue,

Pleafantly interlac'd with variable delights : and

pathetically intermixt with conceipted

reproofes.

Written by Thomas Nash, Gentleman.

LONDON,

Imprinted by Richard Ihones, dwelling at the
Signe of the Rofe and Crowne, nere
Holburne Bridge.
1592.

The Printer to the Gentlemen Readers.

Gentlemen,

In the Authour's abfence, I haue been bold to publilh this pleafaunt
and wittie difcourfe of Pierce Penileffe, his Supplication to the Diuell:
which title, though it may feeme ftrange and in it felfe fomewhat
prepofterous, yet if you vouchfafe the reading, you (hall finde reafon,
as well for the Authour's vncouth nomination, as for his vnwonted
beginning without epiftle, proeme, or dedication : al which he hath
inferted conceitedly in the matter ; but lie be no blab to tell you in
what place. Bellow the looking, and I doubt not but you (hall finde
dedication, epiftle, and proeme to your liking.

Yours bounden in affedlion,
R. I.

A priuate Epiftle of the Author to
the Printer.

Wherein his full meaning and purpofe (in
publifhing this Booke) is fet foorth.

llAith I am verie forrie (Sir) I am thus vn-
awares betrayed to infamie. You write
to me my booke is hafting to the fecond
impreffion : he that hath once broke the Ice of
impudence, neede not care how deepe he wade
in difcredite. I confefle it to be a meere toy,
not deferuing any iudicial mans view : If it haue
found any friends, fo it is, you know very well
that it was abroad a fortnight ere I knewe of it,
and vncorrefted and vnfinifhed it hath offred it
felfe to the oppen fcorne of the world. Had you
not beene fo froward in the republifhing of it,
you fhould haue had certayne Epiftles to Orators
and Poets, to infert to the later end ; As
namely, to the Ghoft o f Mac hpiHl, of 'TuUy, of
Quid, of Rqfcius, of Pace the Duke of Norfolks
lefter: and laftly, to the Ghoft of Robert Greene,

6 AN EPISTLE OF THE

telling him, what a coyle there is with pamphleting
on him after his death. Thefe were prepared for
Pierce Penileje firft fetting foorth, had not the
feare of infection detained mee with my Lord in
the Countrey.

Now this is that I would haue you to do in
this fecond edi/tion; Firft, cut off that long-
tayld Title,* and let mee not in the forefront of
my Booke, make a tedious Moutebanks Oration
to the Reader, when in the whole there is nothing
praife-worthie.

I heare fay there be obfcure imitators, that goe
about to frame a fecond part to it, and offer it
to fell in Paules Church-yard, and elfewhere, as
from me. Let me requeft you, (as euer you wil
expeft any fauour at my hands) to get fome body
to write an Epiftle before it, ere you fet it to fale
againe, importing thus much ; that if any fuch
lewd deuife intrude it felfe to their handes, it is
a cofenage and plaine knauery of him that fels
it to get mony, and that I haue no manner of
intereft or acquaintance with it. Indeed if my
leyfure were fuch as I could wyfh, I might 'haps
(halfe a yeare hence) write the retourne of the
Knight of the Poji from Hell, with the Deuils
anfwer to the Supplication : but as for a fecond

* See it on verso of Nash's own title-page, p. 4. — G.

A UTMOR TO THE PRINTER. ^

part of Tierce Penikjfe, it is a moft ridiculous
rogery.*

Other newes I am aduertized of, that a fcald
triuiall lying Pamphlet, called Greens groat ''-worth
of wit is giuen out to be of my doing, God neuer
haue care of my foule, but vtterly renounce me,
if the leaft word or fyllable in it proceeded from
my penne, or if I were any way priuie to the
writing or printing of it. I am growne at length
to fee into the vanitie of the worlde more than euer
I did, and now I condemne my felfe for nothing
fo much, as playing the dolt in Print. Out vpon
it, it is odious, efpecially, in this moralizing age,
wherein euery one feekes to ihew himfelfe a
Polititian by mis-interpreting.

In one place of my Booke, Pierce Penilejfe faith
but to the Knight of the Poft, / pray how might
I call you, and they fay, I meant one Howe, a
Knaue of that trade, that I neuer heard of before.

The Antiquaries are oifended without caufe,
thinking I goe about to detraft from that excellent
profeffion, when (God is my witnefle) I reuerence
it as much as any / of them all, and had no manner
of allufion to them that Humble at it. I hope they
wil giue me leaue to think there be fooles of that
Art as well as of all other ; but to faye, I vtterly

* See on this in our Memorial-Introduction prefixed to
Vol. I.; also ibid., Critical, in Vol. IV.— G.

8 EPISTLE OF THE A UTHOR TO PRINTER.

condemne it as an vnfruitfuU ftudie, or feeme to
defpife the excellent quallified partes of it, is a
moft falfe and iniurious furmife. There is nothing
that if a man lift he may not wreft or peruert, I
cannot forbid anie to thinke villainoufly, Sed caueat
emptor. Let the interpreter beware : for none euer
heard mee make Allegories of an idle text. Write
who wil againft me, but let him look his life be
without fcandale : for if he touch me neuer fo
litle, He be as good as the Blacke Booke to him
and his kindred.

Beggerly lyes no beggerly wit but can inuent :
who fpurneth not at a dead dogge : but I am
of another metall, they fhall knowe that I Hue as
their euill Angell, to haunt them world without
end, if they difquiet me without caufe. Farewell,
and let me heare from you as foone as it is come
foorth. I am the Plagues prifoner in the Country
as yet : if the ficknefle ceafe before the thirde
impreflion, I will come and alter whatfoeuer may
be oiFenfiue to any man, and bring you the latter
ende.

Your friend, Tho. Na/h. /

Pierce Penileffe his Supplication
to the Diuell.

AUING fpent manie yeeres in ftudying
how to hue, and liude a long time
without mony : hauing tired my youth
with follie, and furfetted my minde with vanitie, I
began at length to looke backe to repentaunce,
& addrefle my endeuors to profperitie : But all in
vaine, I fate vp late, and rofe earely, contended
with the colde, and conuerfed with fcarcitie: for
all my labours turned to lofTe, my vulgarMufe
was defpifed and negleded, my paines not regarded,
or flightly rewarded, and I my felfe (in prime of
my beft wit) laid open to pouertie.

■' ', '■ ■*■ Dzsciie qui

Whereupon (in a ma leGo nteHt-Jmmor) sapiUs, cum

^ ^ — ;r^'*^ . ^c qu{B sci-

I accufed my fortune, raild on mv "^^^'k^'-'";

■' ■' Sed trefidas

patrones, bit my pen, rent my papers, ««'«. et/era
& ragde in all points like a mad man.
In which agony tormenting my felfe a long time,
I grew . by degrees to a milder difcontent : and
paufing a while ouer my ftandifh, I refolued in
verfe to paynt forth my paffion : which, beft

PIERCE PENILESSE.

agreeing with the vaine of my vnreft, I began to
complaine in this fort.

Estaiiquid Why ift damnation to difpaire and dye,
^7//r/r When life is my true happineffe difeafe?
levari, y^ f^^^j^^ ^^ f^^jg^ ^^y fafetie makes

me flie
The faultie meanes, that might my paine appeafe.
Diuines and dying men may talke of hell.
But in my heart, her feuerall torments dwell :

Ah worthlefle Wit, to traine me to this

[Ingeti io peril
qui miser WOe,

ifse mea.l •riiA i ■ n -w-^- r

Deceitfull Artes, that nourilh Difcontent :
111 thriue the Follie that bewitcht me fo :
Vaine thoughts adieu, for now I will repent.
PaupeHas And / yet my wantes perfwade me to

impulit audax -nrrsnPf^Af^

ut versus proceeue,

facerem. Sincc none takes pitie of a SchoUer's
neede.

Forgiue me, God, although I curfe my birth.
And ban the aire, wherein I breathe a Wretch :
Since Miferie hath daunted all my mirth.
And I am quite vndone through promife-breach.

Poimeocci- O^ frends, no frends, that then vngently

distis, amici. frowne.

When changing Fortune cafts vs head-long
downe.

PIERCE PENILESSE. n

Without redreffe complaynes my carelefle verfe.

And Mydas-^zxt?. relent not at my moane :

In fome farre Land will I my griefes Heimm,

y £> quam paucos

renerlej ^^c mea dicta

Mongft them that will be mou'd when I '"""'"'•

fhall groane.
England (adieu) the Soyle that brought me foorth,
Adieu vnkinde, where fkill is nothing woorth.

Thefe Rymes thus abruptly fet downe, I toft
my imagination a thoufand waies, to fee if I could
finde any meanes to relieue my eftate : But all my
thoughts conforted to this conclufion, that the
world was vncharitable, & I ordained to be
* miferable. Thereby I grew to con-

' "^ * Miser est

fider how many bafe men that wanted gmcunque

; _ CBrumnatn

thofe partes which I had, enioyed content suam. nequu

IT o"ultare.

at will, & had wealth at commaund : I
calde to minde a Cobler, that was worth fiue
hundred pound, an Hoftler that had built a goodly
Inne, & might difpende forty pounds yerely by his
Land, a Carre-man in a lether pilche, that had
whipt out a thoufand pound out of his portuna
horfe taile: and haue I more witte than ^'''"'^'''""•
all thefe (thought I to my felfe) ? am I better
borne? am I better brought vp? yea, and better
fauored? and yet am I a begger? Mentis
What is the caufe ? how am I croft, "amam^
or whence is this curfe?

12 PIERCE PENILESSE.

Euen from hence, that men that fhould employ
fuch as I am, are enamoured of their own wits, and
think whateuer they do is excellent, though it be
neuer fo fcuruie :• that Learning (of the ignorant)
is rated after the value of the inke and paper : and
a Scriuener better paid for an obligation, than a
Scholler for the beft Poeme he can make; that
*euerie grofle brainde Idiot is fuifered to come

Sj-Scribimus i'lto print, who if hee fet foorth a
''';>'^:^lf;r Pamphlet of the praife of Pudding-
szm..-\ pricks, or write a Treatife of 'Tom
'Thumme, or y exployts of Vntrujfe ; it is bought
vp thicke & three-folde, when better things lie
dead. How then can we chufe but be needy,
when ther are fo many droans amongft vs? or euer
proue rich, y toyle a whole yeare for fair looks ?

^G ^le / Sir Philip Sidney, thou knewft what

cuitor et belongd to a Scholler, thou kneweft what
"^VuTsancu paines, what toile, what trauell, conduft

mrorum. ^^ perfeftion : wel couldft thou giue
euery Vertue his encouragement, euery Art his
due, euery writer his defert : caufe none more
vertuous, witty, or learned than thy felfe.

But thou art dead in thy graue, and

maiafata haft left too few fucccfTors of thy glory,
too few to cherifh the Sonn of the Mufes,
or water thofe budding hopes with their plentie,
which thy bountie erft planted.

PIERCE PENILESSE. 13

Beleeue me, Gentlemen, for fome crofle mis-
happes, haue taught me experience, piuctihus u
there is not that ftrickt obferuation '"^^"^■^^"""
of honour, which hath bene here- '"''^i''"-
tofore. Men of great caUing take it of merite,
to haue their names eternizde by Poets ; and
whatfoeuer pamphlet or dedication encounters
them, they put it vp their fleeues, and fcarce
giue him thankes that prefents it. Much better
is it for thofe golden Pens to raife fuch vngratefuU
Peafants from the Dung-hill of obfcuritie, and make
them equal in fame to the Worthies of olde, when
their doting felfe-loue fliall challenge it of dutie,
and not onely giue them nothing themfelues, but
impoueriih liberalitie in others.

This is the lamentable condition of our Times,
that men of Arte muft feeke almes of Cormorants,
& thofe that deferue beft, be kept vnder by Dunces,
who count it a policie to keep them bare, becaufe
they fhould follow their booke.s the better : think-
ing belike, that, as preferment hath made them-
felues idle, that were earft painfull in meaner places,
fo it wold likewife flacken the endeuours of thofe
Students, that as yet ftriue to excell in hope of
aduauncement. A good policie to fupprefle fuper-
fluous liberalitie. But, had it beene pradtifed when
they were promoted, the Yeomandry of the Realme
had been better to pafle than it is, and one Droane

14 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

fliould not haue driuen fo manie Bees from their
hony-combes.

I, I, weele giue loofers leaue to talke : it is no
matter what Sic probo and his pennilefle companions
prate, whileft we haue the gold in our coffers : this
is it that will make a knaue an honeft man, & my
neighbour Crampons ftripling a better Gentleman
than his Grand fier. O it is a trim thing when
Pride, the fonne, goes before, & Shame, the father,
followes after. Such prefidents there are in our
Comon- wealth a great many ; not fo much of
them whome learning & Induftrie hath exalted,
(whome I prefer before Genus et froauos) as of
Carterly vpftarts, that out-face Towne & Countrey
in their veluets, / when Sir Rowland Rujfet-coat,
their dad, goes f agging euery day in his round
gafcoynes of white cotton, & hath much a do
(poore pennie-father) to keepe his vnthrift elbowes
in reparations.

Marry, happy are they, fay I, that haue fuch
fathers to worke for them, whilft they plaie: for
where other men turne ouer manie leaues to get

I bread and cheefe in their olde age, and ftudie
twentie yeares to diftill golde out of incke, our

1 yoong~mailters doo nothing but deuHe how to
fpend and afke counfaile of the wine and capons,
how they may quicklieft confume their patrimonies.
As for me, I liue fecure from all fuch perturba-

PIERCE PENILESSE. 15

tions : for (thankes bee to God) I am vacuus viator,
and care not, though I meete the Commiffioners of
New-market-heath at high midnight, for any crofles,
Images, or pidures that I carry about mee, more
than needes.

Than needes, quoth I, nay, I would be afliamde
of it, if Ofus & VJus were not knocking at my
doore twentie times a weeke when I am not within :
the more is the pitie, that fuch a franke Gentleman
as I, Ihould want : but, fince the dice doo runne fo
vntowardly on my fide, I am partly prouided of a
remedy. For wheras, thofe that ftand moft on
their honour, haue fhut vp their purfes, & fhift
vs off with court-hollie-bread : & on the other
fide, a number of hypocriticall hot-fpurres, that
haue God alwaies in their mouthes, will giuei
nothing for Gods fake : I haue clapt vp a hand-
fome Supplication to the Diuell, and fent it by a
good fellow, that I know will deliuer it.

And becaufe you may beleeue mee the better, I
care not if I acquaint you with the circumftance.

I was informd of late dales, that a certaine blinde
Retayler called the Diuel, vfed to lend money vpon
pawnes or any thing, and would let one for a
neede, haue a thoufand poundes vppon a Statute
Merchaunt of his foule: or if a man plide him
throughly, would truft him vppon a Bill of his
hand, without any more circumftaunce. Befides,

1 6 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

hee was noted for a priuie Benefador to Traytors
and Parafites, and to aduaunce fooles and affes
farre fooner than any : to be a greedie purfuer of
newes, and fo famous a Politician in purchafing,
that Hel, which at the beginning was but an
obfcure Village, is now become a huge citie,
whervnto all countryes are Tributary.

Thefe manifeft conieftures of Plentie, aflembled
in one common-place of ability, I determined to
clawe Auarice by the elboe, til his full belly gaue
me a full hand, and let him blood with my pen (if
it / might be) in the veine of liberality : and fo ^in
fhort time) was this Paper-monfter, Pierce Tenilejfe,
begotten. "" " -^

But written and all, heere lies the queftion,
where ftiall I find this old Afle, that I may deliuer
it ? Mafle, thats true : they fay the Lawyers
haue the deuill and al : and it is like enough he
is playing Ambodexter amongft them. Fie," fie,
the deuill aTdriuer in Weftminfter Hall: it can
neuer be.

Now, I pray, what do you imagine him to be ?
Perhaps you thinke it is not poffible he fhould be
fo graue. Oh then, you are in an errour, for he is
as formal as the beft Scriuener of them all. Marry,
he doth not vfe to weare a night-cap, for his homes
will not let him: and yet I knowe a hundred, as
well headed as he, that will make a iolly fhift with

PIERCE PENILESSE. 17

a Court-cup on their crownes, if the weather be
colde.

To proceed with my tale : to Weftminfter Hall
I went, and made a fearch of Enquiry, from the
blacke gowne to the buckram bagge, if there were
any fuch Sergeant, Bencher, Counfailer, Atorney,
or petifogger, as Signior Carnuto Diabolo, with the
good face? But they al {vnd "UiJifi?) affirmed, that
he was not there : marry, whether hee were at the
Exchange or no, aniongfl the ritch Merchants, that
they could not tell : but it was likelier of the two,
that I ftiould meet with him, or heare of him, at
the leaft, in thofe quarters. I faith,, and fay you fo,
quoth I ? and He beftow a little labour more, but
He hunt him out.

Without more circumftance, thither came I:
and, thrufting my felfe, as the manner is,
amongft the confufion of languages, I afked (as
before) whether he were there extant or no .? But
from one to another, Non novi Damonem, was all
the anfwer I could get. At length (as Fortune
ferued) I lighted vpon an old, ftraddling Ufuren
clad in a damaflce cafTocke, edged with Fox-fur
a paire of trunke flops, fagging down like a ihoo-
maker's wallet, and a fhort thrid-bare gown on his
backe, fac't with moath-eaten budge : vpon his
head he wore a filthy, coarfe biggin, & next it a
garnifh of night-caps, with a fage butten cap, of

N. ir. 2

1 8 PIERCE EEmLESSE.

the forme of a cow-fheard, ouerfpread very
orderly : a fat chufFe it was, I remember, with a
gray beard cut fhort to the ftumps, as though it
were grimde, and a huge, woorme- eaten nofe, hke
a clufter of grapes hanging downe-wards. Of him
I demaunded, if hee could tell mee any tidings of
the partie I fought for.

By my troth, quoth he, ftripling, (and then he
cought) I fawe him not lately, nor know I certainely
where he keepes: but thus much I heard /by a
Broker, a friend of mine, that hath had fome
dealings with him in his time, that he is at home
ficke of the goute, and will not bee fpoken withal
vnder more than thou art able to giue, fom two
or three [hundred] angels, if thou haft any fute to
him : & then, perhaps, hele ftraine curtefie, with
his legges in childe-bed, and come forth and talke
with thee : but, otherwife, non eft domi, hee is bufie
with Mammon, & t[h]e Prince of the North, how
to build vp his kingdome, or fending his fpirits
abroad to vndermine the maligners of his gouern-
ment.

I, hearing of this colde comfort, tooke my jeaue
of him very faintly, and like a careles male-content,
that knew not which way to turne, retired me to
Paules, to feeke my dinner with Duke Humfrey ;
but, when I came there, the olde fouldioer was not
vp. Hee is long a rifing, thought I ; but thats all

PIERCE PENILESSE. 19

one, for hee that hath no money in his purfe, muft
go dine with Sir John Beft-betruft, at the figne of
the chalk and the Poft.

Two hongry turnes had I fcarce fetcht in this
waft gallery, when I was encountred by a neat
pedanticall fellow, in forme of a cittizen : who
thrufting himfelfe abruptly into my company, like
an Intelligencer, began very earneftly to queftion
me about the caufe of my difcontent, or what
made me fo fad, that feemed too young to be
acquainted with forrow. I nothing nice to vnfold
my eftate to any what foeuer, difcourft to him the
whole circumftaunce of my care, and what toyll
and paines I had tooke in fearching for him that
would not be heard of. Why fir (quoth he), had
I bene priuie to your purpofe before, I could haue
eafd you of this trauell ; for if it be the deuill you
feeke for, know I am his man. I pray, fir, how
might I call you? _A kni^iL-aLAe, mntene
Poft^quotL h€, -for_.fo I^m tearmed : T^f/.'^::^
a fellowe that will fweare "yoiTafiynliilig *^'*"-
for twelue pence: but indeed, I am a fpirite in
nature and efl"ence, that take vpon me this humaine
fliape, onely to fet men together by the eares, and
fend foules by millions to hell.

Now truft me, a fubftantiall trade : but when
doe you thinke you could fend next to your
maifter .'' why, euery day : for there is not a

20 PIERCE PENILESSE.

cormorant that dies, or Cut-purfe that is hanged,
but I difpatch letters by his foule to him, and to al
my friends in the Low-cuntries : wherefore, if you
haue any thing that you would haue traniported,
giue it me, and I will fee it deliuered.

Yes, marry haue I (quoth I) a certaine Suppli-
cation heere vnto your Maifter, which you may
perufe if it pleafe you. With that he opened it,
and read as foUoweth.

To fhe high and mightie Prince of Darknefle,

Donfell dell Lucifer, King of Acheron, Stix,

and Phlegeton, duke _of Tartary, mar-

queffe of Cocytus, and Lord

high Regent of Lymbo :

his diftrefled

Orator, Pierce Pennilefle, w//%^/A encreqfe of damna-
tion and maledidion eternall, per lefum Chriftum
Dominum Noftrum.

Oft humbly fueth vnto your fin-
fulnes, your fingle foald Orator,
Pierce PennileJJe: that whereas
your impious excellence hath had
the poore tennement of his purfe
any time this halfe yeer for your daunc- ^o ■ iie be .
ing fchoole, and he (nothwithftanding) r^^^^.T.i
hath receiued no penny nor crofle for "°''
farme, according to the vfuall manner, it may
pleafe your graceleffe Maieftie to confider of himj

22 PIERCE PENILESSE.

and glue order to your feruant Auarice he may be
difpatched : infomuch as no man heere in London
can haue a dauncing fchoole without rent, and his
wit and knauery cannot be maintained with nothing.
Or, if this be not fo plaufible to your honorable
infernalfhip, it might feeme good to your helhood
to make extent vpon the foules of a number of
vncharitable Cormorants, who, hauing incurd the
daunger of a Premunire with medling with matters
that properly concerne your owne perfon, deferue
no longer to liue (as men) amongft men, but to
bee incorporated in the fociety of diuels. By
which meanes the mightie controller of fortune
and imperious fubuerter of defteny, delicious
gold, the poore mans God, and Idoll of Princes
(that lookes pale and wanne through long im-
prifonment) might at length be reftored to
his powrfull Monarchie, and eftfoon bee fette at
liberty, to helpe his friends that haue neede
of him.

I knowe a great fort of good fellowes that
* Id est, for the would vcnturc farre for his freedom,*

fredome of 1 r i t

gold. and a number of needy Lawyers (who
now mourn in threed-bare gownes for his thral-
dome) that would goe neere to poifon his keepers
with falfe Latine, if that might procure his en-
largement : but inexorable yron detaines him in
the dungeon of the night, fo that (poore creature)

PIERCE PENILESSE. 23

hee can neither traffique with the Mercers and
Tailers as he was wont, nor dominere in Tauernes
as he ought.

Famine, Lent, and deflblation, fit in onyon-
fkind iackets before the doore of his indurance,
as a Chorus in the Tragedy of Hofpitahty, to / tell
hunger & pouerty thers no reliefe for them there :
and in the inner part of this vgly habi- The desorip-

/i 1 ^ 1- /v 1 tionofGre-

tation ftands Greedinelle, prepared to dines.
deuoure all that enter, attyred in a Capouch of
written parchment, buttond downe before with
Labels of waxe, and lin'd with Iheepes fells for
warmenes : his Cap furd with cats fkinnes, after
the Mufcouie fafhion, and all to be tafleld with
Angle-hookeSj in ftead of Aglets, ready to catch
hold of all thofe to whom hee fhewes any humble-
nes : for his breeches, they were made of the lifts
of broad cloaths, which he had by letters pattents
affured him and his heyres, to the vtter ouerthrowe
of Bowcafes and cufhin makers, and bumbafted
they were, like Beere barrels, with ftatute Mar-
chants and forfeytures : but of all, his ftiooes
were the ftrangeft, which, being nothing elfe but a
couple of crab ftiells, were toothd at the toes with
two fharp fixpennie nailes, that digd vp euery
dunghill they came by for gold, and fnarld at the
ftones as hee went in the ftreet, becaufe they weare
fo common for men, women, and children, to

24 PIERCE PENILESSE.

tread vpon, and hee could not deuife how to wreft
an odde fine out of any of them.

Thus walks hee vp and downe all his life time,
with an yron crow in his hand inftead of a ftafFe,
and a Sariants Mace in his mouth, (which night
and day he gnaws vpon) and either bufies himfelfe
in fetting filuer lime twigs, to entangle yoong
Gentlemen, and cafting foorth filken fhraps, to
catch Woodcocks, or in fyuing of Muckehills and
fliop-duft, whereof he will boult a whole cartload
to gaine a bowd Pinne.

On the other fide. Dame Niggardize, his wife.
The desciip- in a fedge ruege kirtle, that had beene

tionofDame & && '

Niggerdize. a mat time out of mmde, a courfe
hempen raile about her fhoulders, borrowed of
the one end of a hop-bag, an apron niade of
Almanackes out of date, (fuch as ftand vpon
fcreens, or on the backfide of a dore in a
Chandlers fhop) & an old wiues pudding pan on
her head, thrumd with the parings of her nailes,
fate barrelling vp the droppings of her nofe, in
fteede of oyle, to faime wool with all, and would
not aduenture to fpit without halfe a dozen of
porrengers at her elbow.

The houfe, (or rather the hell) where thefe two
Earthwormes encaptiued this beautifull Subftaunce,
was vaft, large, ftrong built, and well furnifhed, all
faue the Kitchin : for that was no bigger than the

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 25

Cooks roome In a fliip, with a little court chimney,
about the compafle of a Parenthejis in proclamation-
print : then iudge you what dim / inutiue difhes
came out of this doues-neaft. So likewife, of the
Buttrie : for whereas in houfes of fuch ftately
foundation, that are built to outward fhewe fo
magnificent, euery Office is anfwerable to the Hall,
which is principall, there the Buttrie was no more
but a blind Cole-houfe, vnder a paire of ftayres,
wherein (vprifing & down lying) was but one
fingle kilderkin of fmall beere, that wold make a
man, with a carroufe of a fpooneful, runne through
an Alphabet of faces. Nor vfd they any glafles
or cups (as other men), but onely little farthing
ounce boxes, whereof one of them fild vp with
froath (in manner and forme of an Ale-houfe) was
a meales allowance for the whole houfhold. It
were lamentable to tell what miferie the Rattes
and Myce endured in this hard world : how, when
all fupply of vitualls failed them, they went a
Boot-haling one night to Sinior Greedinefle bed-
chamber, where finding nothing but emptines and
vaftitie, they encountred (after long inquifitio) with
a cod-peece, well dunged & manured with greace
(which my pinch-fart penie -father had retaind
from his Bachelorfhip, vntill the eating of thefe
prefents). Vppon that they fet, and with a
couragious aflault rent it cleane away from the

26 PIERCE PENILESSE.

breeches, and then carried it in triumph, like a
coffin, on their Ihoulders betwixt them. The verie
Ipiders and duft weauers, that wont to fet vp their
loomes in euery windowe, decaied and vndone
through the extreame dearth of the place, (that
afFoorded them no matter to worke on) were
conftrained to breake, againft their wills, and
goe dwell ii^ the countrey, out of the reach of the
broome and the wing : and generally, not a flea
nor a cricket that carried anie braue minde, that
would fbay there after he had once tafted the order
of their fare. Onely vnfortunate golde (a pre-
deftinat flaue to drudges and fooles) Hues in
endlefle bondage ther amongft them, and may
no way be releaft, except you fend the rot halfe
a yeare amongft his keepers, and fo make them
away with a murrion, one after another.

O but a far greater enormitie raigneth in the

The heart of the Court : Pride, the peruerter

Pryde. of all Vertuc, fitteth appareled in the

Merchants fpoiles, and ruine of yoong Citizens,

and fcorneth Learning, that gaue their vp-ftart

Fathers titles of Gentry.

All malcontent fits the greafie fonne of a

The nature of Cloathier, and complaines (like a de-

anvpstart. ^.^j^j Earle) of the ruine of ancient

houfes : whereas, the Weauers loomes firft framed

the web of his honour, and the locks /of wool.

PIERCE PENILESSE. 27

that bufties and brambles haue tooke for toule of
infolent fheepe, that would needs ftriue for the
wall of a fir-bufh, haue made him of the tenths
of their tarre, a Squier of low degree : and of the
coUedions of the fcatterings, a Juftice, T'am Marti
quam Mercurio, of Peace and of Coram. Hee
will bee humorous, forfoth, and haue a broode
of fafhions by himfelfe. Sometimes (becaufe Loue
commonly weares the liuerey of Witte) hee will
be an Inamorato Poeta, and fonnet a whole quire of
paper in praife of Lady Swin-fnout, his yeolow-
fac'd MiftreSj and weare a feather of her rain-
beaten fanne for a fauor, like a fore-horfe. Al
Italionato is his talke, and his fpade peake is as
fharpe as if he had been a Pioner before the walks
of Roan. Hee will defpife the barbarifme of his
owne Countrey, and tell a whole Legend of lyes
of his trauailes vnto Conftan-timple. If he be
challenged to fight, for his delaterye excufe, hee
ob-ie(5ts that it is not the cuftome of the Spaniard,
or the Germaine, to looke backe to euery dog that
barkes. You fliall fee a dapper Jacke, that hath
beene but ouer at JDeepe, wring his face round
about, as a man would ftirre vp a muftard pot,
and talke Englifh through the teeth, like laques
Scabd-hams, or Monfieur Mingo de Moujlrap : when
(poore flaue) he hath but dipt his bread in wilde
Boares greace, and come home againe : or beene

28 PIERCE PENILESSE.

bitten by the fhinnes by a Wolfe : and faith, he
hath aduentured vppon the Barricadbes of Gurney;
or Guingan, and fought with the yoong Guife hand
to hand.

Some thinke to be counted rare Politicians and
Thecountar. Statefmen, by beeing folitary: as who
*'^"P°"""^"-fhould fay, I am a wife man, a braue
man, Secreta mea mihi : Fruftra Japit, qui Jibi non
fapit : and there is no man worthy of my companie
or friendfliip : when, although he goes vngartred
like a malecontent Cutpurfle, and weares his hat
ouer his eies like one of the curfed crue, yet cannot
his ftabbing dagger, or his nittie loue-locke, keepe
him out of the Legend of fantafticall cockfcomhs.
I pray ye, good Mounfier Diuell, take fome order,
that the ftreetes be not peftered with them fo as
they are. Is it not a pitiful thing that a fellow
that eates not a good meales meat in a weeke, but
beggereth his belly quite and cleane, to make his
backe a certaine kind of a brokerly Gentleman:
and nowe & then (once or twice in a Tearme)
comes /to the eighteene pence Ordenary, becaufe
hee would be feen amongft Caualiers and braue
courtyers, liuing otherwife all the yeere long with
fait Butter & Holland cheefe in his chamber,
fhould take vppe a fcornfull melancholy in his
gate & countenance, courfe & talke, as though
our common-welth were but a niockery of gouern-

PIERCE PENILESSE. 29

ment, and our Maieftrates fooles, who wronged
him in not looking into his deferts, not imploying
him in State matters, and that, if more regard were
not had of him very fhortly, the whole Realme
fhould haue a miffe of him, & he would go (I
mary would he) where he fliould be more ac-
counted off.

Is it not wonderfull ill-prouided, I fay, that this
difdainfull companion is not made one of the
fraternity of Foole, to taike before great States,
with fome olde mothe-eaten Polititian, of mending
high waies, and leading Armies into Fraunce ?

A young Heyre, or Cockney, that is his Mothers
Darling, if hee haue playde the wafte- xhepradigaii
good at the Innes of the Court, or about y°°°s faster.
London, and that neither his Students penfion, nor
his vnthriftes credite, will ferue to maintaine his
CoUidge of whores any longer, falles in a quarrel-
ling humor with his fortune, becaufe fhe made him
not King of the Indies, and fweares and flares, after
ten in the hundreth, that nere a fuch Pefant, as his
Father or brother, ftiall keepe him vnder : hee will
to the fea, and teare the gold out of the Spaniards
throats, but he will haue it, byrladie : And when
he comes there, poore foule, hee lyes in brine, in
Balift, and is lamentable ficke of the fcurvies : his
daintie fare is turned to a hungry feaft of Dogs
and Cats, or Haberdine and poore John, at the

30 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

moft, and which is lamentableft of all, that without
Muftard.

As a mad Ruffion, on a time, being in daunger
of fhipwrack by a tempeft, and feeing all other at
their vowes and praiers, that if it would pleafe
God, of his infinite goodneffe, to delyuer them
out of that imminent daunger, one woulde abiure
this finne wherevnto he was adidted : an other,
make fatisfadtion for that vyolence he had com-
mitted : he, in a defperate ieft, began thus to
reconcile his foule to heauen,

O Lord, if it may feeme good to thee to deliuer
me from this feare of vntimely death, I vowe before
thy Throne, and all thy ftarry Hoft, neuer to eate
Haberdine more whileft I Hue.

Well, fo it fell out, that the /Sky cleared and
the tempeft ceafed, and this carelefle wretch, that
made fuch a mockery of praier, readie to fet foote
a Land, cryed out : not without Muftard, good
Lord, not without Muftard: as though it had
been the greateft torment in the world, to haue
eaten Haberdine without Muftard. But this by
the way, what pennance can be greater for Pride,
than to let it fwinge in hys owne halter.? Dulce
helium inexpertis : theres no man loues the fmoake
of his owne Countrey, that hath not been fyngde
in the flame of an other foyle. It is a pleafant
thing, ouer a full pot, to read the fable of thirftie

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 31

'tantalus : but a hard matter to difgeft fait meates
at Sea, with ftinking water.

Another mifery of Pride it is, when men that
haue good parts, and beare the name of ^j^g ^^^ ^f
deepe fcholers, cannot be content to theieamed.
participate one faith with all Chriftendome, but,
becaufe they will get a name to their vaineglory
they will fet their felfe-loue to ftudy to inuent
new feds of fingularitie, thinking to Hue when they
are dead, by hauing theyr feds called after their
names, as Donatifts of Donatus, Arrians of Arrius,
& a number more new faith-founders, that haue
made England the exchange of Innouations, &
almoft afmuch confufion of Religion in euery
Quarter, as there was of tongues at the building
of the Tower of Babell. Whence, a number that
fetch the Articles of their Beleefe out of Ariftotle,
& thinke of heauen and hell as the Heathen
Philofophers, take occafion to deride our Eccle-
fiafticall State, & all Ceremonies of Diuine wor-
fliip, as bug-beares and fcar-crowes, becaufe (like
Herodes fouldiers) we diuide Chrifts garment
amongft vs in fo many peeces, and of the vefture
of faluation make fome of vs Babies & apes coates,
others ftraight trufles & Diuells breeches: fome
gally-gafcoines, or a fhipmans hofe, like the Ana-
baptifts & adulterous Familifts : others with the
Martinifts, a hood with two faces, to hide their

32 PIERCE PENILESSE.

hypocrifie : and, to conclude, fome, like the
Barrowifts and Greenwodians, a garment full of
the plague, which is not to be worne before it be
new wafht.

Hence Atheifts triumph and reioyce, and talke
as prophanely of the Bible, as of Beuis of
Hampton. I heare fay there be Mathematitions
abroad that will prooue men before Adam, and
they are harboured in high places, who will
maintaine it to the death, that there are no diuells.

It is a fhame (fenior Belzibub !) that you fhould
fufFer your felfe thus /to be tearmed a

Thediuell , . ,

hath children baftard, or not approue to your pre-
men), but dcftinate children, not only that they

fewe of them r i i i

know their haue a father, but that you are hee

that muft owne them. Thefe are but

the fuburbes of the finne we haue in hand : I muft

defcribe to you a large cittie, wholy inhabited with

this damnable enormitie.

In one place let me fhewe you a bafe Artificer,
The pride of *^^' hsiXh no reucnucs to boaft on but
Artificers. ^ Needle in his bofome, as braue as any
Penfioner or Nobleman.

In an other corner, Miflris Minx, a Marchants
wife, that wil eate no cherries, forfooth,

The pride of

marchants but whcn they are at twenty millings

wiu6Sp

a pound, that lookes as fimperingly as if
fhe were befmeard, & lets it as gingerly as if fhe

PIERCE PENILESSE. i},

were dancing the Canaries : fhe is fo finicall in her
fpeach, as though fhe fpake nothing but what fhe
had firft fewd ouer before in her Samplers, and the
puling accent of her voyce is like a fained treble,
or ones voyce that interprets to the puppets. What
fhould I tell how fqueamifh fhe is in her dyet, what
toyle fhe puts herpoore feruantsvnto, to make her
looking glafTes in the pauement ? how fhe wil not
goe mto the fields, to cdwre on the greene graffe,
but fhee mufl haue a Goatch for her convoy : and
fpends halfe a day in pranking her felfe if fhe be
inuited to anie flrange place ? Is not this the
excefTe of pride, fignior Sathan ? Goe too, you are
vnwife, if you make her not a chiefe Saint in your
Calender.

The next obied: that encounters my eyes, in
fome fuch obfcure vpflart gallants, as without
defert or feruice, are raifed from the ^^^ ^^^^ ^^
plough to be checkmate with Princes : sp^ng'J^%f
and thefe I can no better compare than "°*i"s-
to creatures that are bred Sine coitu, as crickets in
chimnyes : to which I referable poore Scullians, that,
from turning fpit in the chimney corner, are on the
fodaine hoifed vp from the Kitchin into the waiting
chamber, or made Barons of the beanes, and Mar-
quefTes of the mary-boanes : fome by corrupt
water, as gnats, to which we may liken Brewers,
that, by retayling filthy Thames water, come in few

N. II. 3

34 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

yeres to be worth fortie or fiftie thoufand pound :
others by dead wine, as little flying wormes : and
fo the Vintners in like cafe : others by flime, as
frogs, which may be alluded to Mother Bunches
flimie ale, that hath made her, & fome other of
her fil-pot family fo wealthy : others by dirt, as
worms : and fo I know many gold-finers & hoflilers
come vp : fome by hearbs, as cankers, & after the
fame fort our Apothecaries : others by alhes, as
Scarahes : and how / elfe get our Colliers the pence ?
Others from the putrified flefli of dead beafts, as
Bees of Bulls, & butchers by fly-blowne beefe,
wafpes of horfes, and Hackney-men by felling their
lame iades to hunts-men, for carrion.

Yet am I not againft it, that thefe men by their
mechanicall trades fhould come to he. /parage gen-
tlemen & chufF-headed Burghomafters :
fiowrethat but that better places fhould bee pos-

neuer groweth ., niio i /-•11

but through felled by coyftrells, & the Coblers crowe,
ror crymg but aue Ltejar, be more
efteemed than rarer birds, that haue warbled
fweeter notes vnrewarded. But it is no meruaile :
for as Hemlocke fatteth Quailes, & Henbane
Swine, which to al other is poyfon, fo fome mens
vices haue power to aduance them, which would
fubuert any elfe that fhould feeke to climbe by
them : and it is inough in them, that they can
pare their nailes well, to get them a liuing, when

PIERCE PENILESSE. 35

as the feauen liberall Sciences & a good leg, will
fcarfe get a paire of fhoos and a Canuas-dublet.

Thefe whelpes of the firft litter of Gentilitie,
thefe Exhalations, drawen vp to the heauen of
honor from the dunghil of abieifl fortune, haue
long been on horfebacke to come riding to your
Diuelfhip : but, I know not how, like Saint George^
they are alwaies moiited, but neuer moue. Here
they out-face Towne & countrey, & doo nothing
but bandy fadtions with their betters. Their bigge
limbes yeeld the Common-wealth no other feruice
but idle fweate, & their heads, like rough hewen
Gloabes, are fit for nothing but to be the block-
houfes for fleepe. Raynard, the Fox, may well
beare vp his taile in the Lions denne, but when
he comes abroad, he is afraide of euery dogge
that barkes. What curre will not bawle, & be
ready to flye in a mans face, when he is fet on by
his mafter, who, if hee bee not by to encourage
him, he cafts his taile betwixt his legges, & fteales
away like a fheepe byter. VliJJes was a tall man
vnder Aiax fhield : but by himfelfe hee would
neuer aduenture but in the night. Pride is neuer
built but vppon fome pillers : & let his fupporters
faile him neuer fo little, you fliall finde him very
humble in y dust. Wit oftentimes ftands in ftead
of a chiefe arche to vnderprop it, in foldiers
ftregth, in wome beauty.

36 PIERCE PENILESSE.

Drudges, that haue no extraordinarie giftes of

body nor of minde, filche themfelues into fome

Noble mans feruice, either by bribes or

The base ■"- , „ 111 1

sinuatingof by flattery, and, when .they are there,

drudges, & , ^ , , . • 1 01

their practise they fo labour It With cao & knee, and

to aspyre. , . . . . ,

ply It with pnuie whilpennges, that they
wring themfelues into his good opinion ere he be
a ware. Then, doo they vaunt themfelues / ouer
the common multitude, and are readie to braue
anie man that ftands by himfelfe. Their Lords
authoritie is as a rebater to beare vp the Peacockes
taile of their boafting, and any thing that is faid
or done to the vnhandfoming of their ambition is
ftraight wrefted to the name of treafon. Thus do
weedes grow vp whiles no man regards them, and
the Ship of Fooles is arriued in the Hauen of
Felicitie, whilefl: the Scoutes of Enuie contemne
the attempts of any fuch fmall Barkes.

But beware you that be great mens Fauorites :
let not a feruile, infinuating flaue, creepe betwixt
your legges into credit with your Lords: for
pefants that come out of the colde of pouertie,
once cheriflit in the bofome of profperitie, will
ftraight forget that euer there was a winter of want,
or who gaue them room to warme them. The fon
of a churle cannot choofe but prooue ingrateful,
like his Father. Truft not a villaine that hath
beene miferable, and is fodainly grown happie.

PIERCE PENILESSE. n

Vertue afcendeth by degrees of defert into dignitie:
gold & luft may lead a man a nearer way to pro-
motion : but he that hath neither comelinefle nor
coine to commend him, vndoubtedly»Asbycarrying
ftrydes ouer time by ftratagems,* if oi^^^^^^^^^'
a moale-hil he grows to a mountaine in ^^'^^°^-
a moment. This is that which I vrge : there is no
friendfhipe to bee had with him that is refolute to
doe or fuffer any thing rather than to endure the
deftenie whereto he was borne : for he will not
fpare his owne Father or Brother, to make himfelfe
a Gentleman.

Fraunce, Italy, and Sfaine, are all full of thefe
falfe hearted MachiuilUans ; but properly Pride is
the difeafe of the Spaniard, who is born -j-j^g p^^^ ^j
a Bragart in his mothers womb : for, if "'^ spanyard.
he be but 17 yeers old, and hath come to the
place where a Field was fought, (though halfe
a yeare before) he then talks like one of the Giants
that made warre againft Heauen, and Hands vppon
his honor, as much as if he were one of Augufius
Souldiers, of whom he firft inftituted the order of
Heralds : and let a man footh him in this vaine
of kilcowe vanitie, you may commaund his hart
out of his belly, to make you a rafher on the
coales, if you will next your heart.

The Italian is a more cunning proud fellowe, and
hides his humour farre cleanlier, and indeed feemes

38 PIERCE PENILESSE.

to take a pride in humilitie, & will prefer a ftraunger
The pride of ™oi"^ courtefie than hee meanes to per-
the itauan. foj-me. Hee hateth him deadly that takes
him at his word : as, for example, if vpon an occafion
of meeting, he requeft you to dinner or fupper at
his houfe, / and that at the firft or fecond intreatie
you promife to bee his gueft, he will be the mortalfl:
enemie you haue : but if you deny him, he will
thinke you haue manners and good bringing vp, and
will loue you as his brother : marry, at the third or
fourth time you muft not refufe him. Of al things
he counteth it a mighty difgrace to haue a man
pafTe juftling by him in haft on a narrowe caufey,
and afke him no leaue, which he neuer reuengeth
with lefTe then a ftab.

The Frenchman (not altered from his owne
nature) is wholle compad of deceiuable Courtfhip,
The pride of ^"^^ ^°'" *^^ roo^ part, loues none but
the frenchman, ^imfclfe and his pleafure : yet though he
be the moft Grand Signeur of them all, he will fay
A voftre Jeruice &" commandemente Mounfeur, to the
meaneft vafTaile he meets. Hee thinkes he doth
a great fauour to that gentleman, or follower of
his, to whom hee talks fitting on his clofe floole :
and with that fauour (I haue heard) the Princes
wonted to grace the Noble men of France : and
a great man of their Nation coraming in time paft
ouer into England, and beeing here very honorably

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 39

receiued, he in requital of his admirable entertain-
ment, on an euening going to the priuie, (as it
were to honour extraordinarily our Englifh Lords,
appointed to attend vpon him) gaue one the candle,
another his gii-dle, & another the paper : but they
(not acquainted with this newe kinde of gracing)
accompanying him to the pryuie dore, fet downe the
trafti, and fo left him : which he, confidering what
ineftimable kindnes he extended to them therin
more than vfual, tooke very hainoufly.

The mofl; grofle and fencelefle proud dolts (in
a difFerence from all thefe kinds) are the Danes,
who ftand fo much vpon their vnweldy ^he pnde of
burliboand fouldiery, that they account *«'*^"^-
of no man that hath not a battle Axe at his girdle
to hough dogs with, or weares not a cockes feather
in a thrumd hat like a caualier : briefly, he is the
befl: foole bragart vnder heauen. For befides
nature hath lent him a flaberkin face, like one
of the foure winds, and cheeks that fag like a
womans dugs ouer his chin-bone, his apparel is
fo ftuft vp with bladders of TafFatie, and his
back like biefe ftuft with Parfly, fo drawne out
with Ribands and deuifes, and blifterd with light
farcenet baftings, that you would thinke him no-
thing but a fwarme of Butterflies, if you faw him
a far ofi; * Thus walkes hee vp and* if you know
downe in his Maiefty, taking a yard of an^ofaS'e

40 PIERCE P£NJLESSE.

marks,iook on ground at cuerv ftep, and ftamps on

his fingers, & ° {, , '^' . . , " -^

youshaibe the earth lo terrible, as it he ment to

half a dozen knockc vppc a fpiritc, when (foule

worth three drunlcen bezzle) if an Engliih/man fet

' his little finger to him, he falles like a

hogs-trough that is fet on one end. Therfore, I

am the more vehement again ft them, becaufe they

are an arrogant Afle-headed people, that

The Danes „ , , • j f, ,

enemies to ai naturallv hate learning, and all them

learning. . a r

that loue it: yea, oz: for they would
vtterly roote it out from among them, they haue
with-drawen al rewards from the Profeflbrs therof.
Not Barbary it felfe is halfe fo barbarous as they are.

Firft, whereas the hope of honour maketh a
Souldior in England : Bylhopricks, Deanries, Pre-
bendaries, and other priuate dignities, animate
our Diuines to fuch excellence : the ciuill Lawyers
haue their degrees & confiftories of honour by
themfelues, equal in place with Knights and
Efquiers : the common Lawyers (fuppofe in the
beginning they are but hufbandmens fons) come in
time to be chiefe Fathers of the land, and manie
of them not the meaneft of the Priuie Counfell.

There, the fouldiour may fight himfelfe out of

his fkinne, and do more exploits than

amongst them hce hath doyts in his purfe, before from

for desert.

a common Mercenary he come to be
Corporal of the mould cheefe : or the Lieutennant

PIERCE PENILESSE. 41

get a Captainfhip. None but the fon of a Cor-
porall muft be a Corporall, nor any be Captaine,
but the lawfull begotten of a Captaines body.
Bifhops, Deans, Prebendaries, why they know
no fuch funftions : a fort of ragged Minifters
they haue, of whom they count as bafely, as
water-bearers. If any of the Noblemen refrain
three howers in his life time from drinking, to
ftudy the Lawes, hee may perhaps haue a little
more gouernment put into his hands than an other : ,
but, otherwife, Burgomafters & Gentlemen beare all
the fway of both fwords, fpiritual and temporal!.
It is death there for anie but a hufbandman to
marry a hufbandmans daughter, or a Gentlemans
childe to ioyne with any but the fonne of a Gentle-
man. Marry this, the king may well banifh, but
hee cannot put a Gentleman vnto death in any
caufe whatfoeuer, which makes them ftand vppon
it fo proudly as they doe. For fafhion fake fome
will put their children to fchoole, but they fet
them not to it till they are foureteene yeere old :
fo that you fhall fee a great boy with a beard
learne his A B C, and fit weeping vnder the rod,
when he is thirtie yeeres old.

I will not ftand to inferre what a preiudice it is
to the thrift of a florifhing State, to What it is to

r ^ 1 r 1 1 • • • make labor

poyion the groth or glory, by gmmg it without hope.
nought but the puddle water of penury to drinke :

42 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

to clippe the winges of a high towring Faulcon,
who, wheras fhe wont in her fethered youthful-
nefle, to looke with an amiable eye on her gray
breaft, and her fpeckled fide fayles, all finnowed
with filuer quilles, and to dryue whole Armies of
fearefull foules before her to her maifters Table ;
now ftie fits fadly on the ground, picking of wormes,
mourning the crueltie of thofe vngentleman-like
idle hands, that difmembreth the beauty of her
trayne

You all knowe that man (infomuch as hee is the
Image of God) delighteth in honour and worfhip,
and all holy Writ warrantes that delight, fo it bee
not derogatory to any part of Gods owne worfhip.
Now, take away that delight, a difcontented idle-
nefl"e ouertakes him. For his hire, any handycraft
man, be he Carpenter Joyner or Painter, will
ploddingly do his day-labor : but to adde credit
and fame to his workmanfhip, or to winne a mais-
tery to himfelfe aboue all other, hee will make a
further afTay in his trade than euer hitherto he did :
hee will haue a thoufand flourifties, which before he
neuer thought vppon, and in one day ridde more
out of hand, than earfl; he did in ten : So in Armes,
fo in Arts : if titles of fame and glory be propofed
to forward minds, or that any foueraigntie (whofe
fweetnes they haue not yet felt) be fet in likely
view for them to fore too, they will make a ladder

PIERCE PENILESSE. 43

of cord of the links of their 'braines, but they will
faften their handes, as wel as their eies, on the
imaginatiue blifle, which they already enioy by
admiration. Experience reproues me for a foole,
for delating on fo manifeft a cafe.

The Danes are burften-bellied fots, that are to
be confuted with nothing but Tankards or quart
pots, and Quid might as wel haue read his verfes
to the Getes that vnderftood him not, as a man
talke reafon to them that haue no eares . ^ ^ ,

And that

but their mouths, nor fenfe but of that sence often

' _ times maketh

which they fwallow downe their throats, them sence-

' . lesse.

God fo loue me, as I loue the quicke-
witted Italians, and therefore loue them the more,
becaufe they mortally deteft this furley fwinifh
Generation.

I need not fetch colours from other countries to
paint the vglie vifage of Pride, fince her picture is
fet forth in fo many painted faces here at * Withered
home. What drugs, what forceries, what ^Zl^^St
oiles, what waters, what oyntments, doe '°^-
our curious Dames vfe to inlarge our * ^J'ur Jaii '""
withered* beauties. Their lips are as ^^fas?hCT
lauifhly red, as if they vfed to kiffe ^.n^^Z'Sl^^
okerman ejuery morning, and their cheeks ^s^'c^^hl'^^'
fuger-candied & cherry blufht fo'fweetly ''1^'t^^if
after the colour* of a newe Lord Mayors'=°™"=*>''^'^'
poftes, as if the pageant of their wedlocke holiday

44 PIERCE PENILESSE.

were harde at the doore : fo / that if a Painter were

to drawe any of their counterfets on a Table, he

needes no more but wet his pencill, and dab it on

their cheekes, and he ftiall haue Vermillion

tw^Jietter^^^ and whitc enough to furnifh out his

phorsf good' worlce, though he leaue his tar-boxe

so'saSthe at home behinde him. Wife was that

wstorRime- fin-waftiing Poet that made the Ballet

fiS'bookl, of Blue ftarch and poaking flick, for

''fosfuneo^ indeed the * lawne of licentioufnefle hath

biew^starch^ confumcd all the wheate of hofpitalitie.

^ttkte.'"^ It is faid, Laurence Lucifer, that you

went vp and downe London crying there

like a lanterne and candle man. I meruaile no

Laundrefle would giue you the wafhing and ftarch-

ing of your face for your labour, for God knowes it

is as blacke as the blacke Prince.

It is fufpedted you haue been a great tohacco-
taker* in your youth, which caufeth it

*Thediuella ■' rr \ -r^ -vt

great Tobacca to comc lo to palTe : but Dame Nature,

taker.

your nurfe, was partly in fault, elfe Ihe
might haue remedied it. * She fhould haue
noynted your face ouer night with Lac virginis,

which, baking vpon it in bed till the
to make the tnoming, (he might haue pild oiF the

fcale like the fkin of a cuftard, and
making a poflet of vergis mixt with the oyle of
Tartary and Camphire, and bathde it in it a

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 45

quarter of an houre, and you had been as faire
as the floure of the frying pan. I warrant, we
haue old hackfters in this great Grandmother of
Corporations, Madame Troynouant, that haue not
backbited anie of their neighbours with the tooth
of enuy this twentie yeare, in the wrinckles of
whofe face, yee may hide falfe dice, and jjg (hat wipes
play at cherry pit in the dint of their ^{fg^^^'if^^^f
cheekes : yet thefe aged mothers of ty^whoff
iniquitie will haue their deformities newe ^^'^^'
plaiftered ouer, & weare nofegayes of yeolow haire
on their furious foreheads, when age hath written,
Hoe God, be here, on their bald burnt parchment
pates. Pifh, pifh, what talke you of old age or
balde pates } men & women that haue gone vnder
the South pole * muft lay off their furde

* Alias Mother

night-caps in fpight of their teeth, & Comeiius
become yeomen of the Vineger bottle :
a clofe periwig hides al the finnes of an old whore-
mafter ; but Cucullus non facit Monachum* tis not
their newe bonnets will keepe them from* translated
the old boan-ach. Ware when a mans ^ori.'^jMta
finnes are written on his ey-browes, and °"gi°^™-^
that there is not a haire bredth betwixt them and
the falling ficknes. The times are dangerous, &
this is an yron age, or rather no yron age, for
fwords & bucklers goe to pawne a pace in Long
lane : but a tinne age : for tinne and pewter are

46 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

more efteemed than Latine. You that be wife,
delpife it, abhorre it, negledt it, for what fhould
a / man care for gold that cannot get it.

An Antiquarie is an honeft: man, for he had
rather fcrape a peece of copper out of

The commen- ^ -^ ^ '^

dation of the duTt, than a crowne out of Ploidens

Antequaries. « . « •

Laudamiis ftandifh. I know manie wife Gentlemen

veteres, sed ^ , .

nostris utimur of this muftv vocation, who out of loue

annis. . , , .

with the times wherein they Hue, fall a
retailing of Alexanders ftirrops, becaufe (in veritie)
there is not fuch a ftrong peece of ftretching leather
made now adayes, nor yron fo well tempred for
anie money. They will blow their nofe in a box,
and fay it is the fpettle that Diogenes fpet in ones
face : who beeing inuited to dinner to his houfe,
that was neat and braue in all points as might be
deuifed, & the gruting' Dog, fomwhat troubled
with the rheume (by meanes of his long falling
and flaying for dinner more than wont), fpet full
in his Hoftes face : and being afkt the reafon of it,
faid, it was the fouleft place he could fpie out in
all his houfe. Let their Miftres (or fome other
woman) giue them a fether of her fanne for a
fauor, & if one alk them what it is ? they make
anfwer, a plume of the Phenix, whereof there is
but one in all the whole world. A thouiand
guegawes and toyes haue they in their chambers
which they heape vp together, with infinite ex-

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 47

pence, and are made beleeue of them that fel them,
that they are rare & pretious things, when they
haue gathered them vpon fome dunghill, or rakte
them out of the kennell by chaunce. I know one
fold an old rope with foure knots on it for foure
pound, in that he gaue it out, it was the length
and bredth of Chrifts Tombe. Let a Tinker take
a peece of brafle worth a halfpeny, and fet ftrange
ftamps on it, & I warrant he may make it more
worth to him of fome fantafticall foole, than all
the kettels that euer he mended in his life. This
is the difeafe of our newfangled humorifts, that
know not what to doo with their welth. It
argueth a verie rufty wit, fo to doate on worme-
eaten Elde.

Out vpon it, how long is Pride a dreffing her
felfe? Enuie, awake, for thou muft
appeare before Nicalao Maleuolo, great plaint of
Mufter-mafter of hell. Marke you this ™^'
flie mate, how fmoothly hee lookes ? The Poets
were ill aduifed that fained him to be a leane,
gag-toothd Beldam, with hollow eyes, pale cheeks,
and fnakie haire : for he is not onely a man, but a
ioUy luftie olde Gentleman, that will winke, and
laugh, and ieaft drily, as if he were the honeftefl:
of a thoufand : and I warrant you fliall not heare
a foule word come from him in a yeare. I will
not contradid it, but the Dog may worry a fheepe

48 PIERCE PENILESSE.

in the dark, and/thruft his necke into the collar
of clemencie & pitie when he hath done : as who
flioulde fay, God forgiue him, hee was a fleepe
in the ihambles, when the innocent was done to
death. But openly, Enuie fets a ciuil, fatherly
countenaunce vpon it, & hath not fo much as a
drop of bloud in his face, to attaint him of murther.
I thought it expedient, in this my Supplication, to
place it next to Pride : for it is his adopted fonne :
And hence comes it, that proud men repine at
others profperitie, and greeue that any fliould be
great but themfelues. Mens cujujque, is eft qui/que;
it is a Prouerbe that is as hoarie as Dutch-butter.
If a man wil goe to the diuell, he may go to the
diuel: there are a thoufand iugling tricks to be
vfed at hey pafTe, come aloft: and the world hath
cords enough to trufle vp a calfe that ftands in
ones way. Enuie is a Crocodile that weeps when
he kils, & fightes with none but he feeds on.
This is the nature of this quickfighted monfter,
hee wil endure any paines to endamage another :
waft his body with vndertaking exploites that
would require ten mens ftrengths, rather than
any fhould get a penny but himfelfe, bleare his
eyes to ftand in his neighbors light, and to con-
clude, like Atlas vnderproppe heauen, rather than
any fhould be in heauen that he likte not of, or
come vnto heauen by any other meanes but by him.

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 49

You goodman wandrer about the world, how-
doe ye fpende your time, that you do not rid vs
of thefe peftilent members? You are vn worthy
to haue an office, if you can execute it no better.
Behold another enemy of mankind, befides thy
felfe, exalted in the South, Philip of Spaine : who
not contented to be the God of gold, phmipof
and chiefeft commander of content that ^l^/^Ta^
Europe affords, but now he doth nothing mlSde°as
but thirft after humane bloud, when his *^^ '^^'"'■
foot is on the threfliold of the graue : and as a
wolfe, beeing about to deuoure a horfe, doth balift
his belly with earth, that he may hang the heauier
vppon him, and then forcibly flies in his face,
neuer leauing his hold till he hath eaten him vp :
fo this woluifh vnnatural vfurper, being about to
deuoure all Chriftendome by inuafion, doth cramme
his treafures with Indian earth to make his malice
more forcible, and then flyes in the bofome of
France & Belgia, neuer withdrawing his forces
(as the Wolfe his faftning) till he hath deuoured
their welfare, & made the war-wafted carcafes of
both kingdoms a pray for his tyrannie. Onely
poore England giues him bread for his cake, and
holds him out at the arms end. His Armados
(that like a high wood, ouer-fhadowed the fhrubbes
of our /low Ihips) fled from the breath of our
Cannons, as vapors before the Sunne, or as the

N. II. 4

50 PIERCE PENILESSE.

Elephant flies from the Ramme, or the Sea-whale
from the noyfe of parched bones. The winds,
enuying that the aire fhould be dimmed with fuch
a Chaos of wodden clowds, raifed vp high bulwarks
of bellowing waues, where Death fliotte at their
diforderd Nauy: and the Rocks with their ouer-
hanging iawes, eat vp all the fragments of oake
that they left. So perifht our foes, fo the Heauens
did fight for vs. Praterit Hifpomenes, rejonant
Jpe^acula plaujis.

I do not doubt (Doftor Diuell) but you were
prefent in this adtion, or paflion rather, and helpt
to bore holes in fhips to make them finke fafter ;
and rence out Galley-foifls with fait water, that
ftunke like fuftie barrels with their Maifters feare.
It will be a good while ere you do as much for
the King, as you did for his fubieds. I would
haue ye perfwade an Armie of goutie Vfurers to
goe to Sea vppon a boon voyage : trie if you can
tempt Enuy to embarke himfelf in the mal'-
aduenture, and leaue troubling the ftreame, that
Poets & good fellowes may drinke, & Souldiers
fing Placebo, that haue murmured fo long at the
waters of ftrife.

But that wil neuer bee : for as long as Pride,
Riot, and Whoredome are the companions of
yoong Courtiers, they wil alwayes bee hungry,
and ready to bite at euery Dog that hath a boane

PIERCE PENILESSE. Si

giuen him befide themfelues. lefu, what fecret
grudge and rancour raignes amongft them, one
being ready to difpaire of himfelf, if he fee y
Prince but giue his fellow a faire looke, or to die
for griefe if he be put down in brauery neuer fo
litle. Yet this cuftome haue our falfe harts fetcht
from other countries, that they wil fweare & pro-
teft loue, where they hate deadly, and fmile on
him moft kindly, whofe fubuerfion in foule they
haue vowed. Fraus Juhlimi regnat in aula. Tis
rare to finde a true frend in Kings Pallaces :
either thou muft be fo miferable that thou fall
into the hands of fcornful pitie, or thou canfl;
not efcape the fting of enuy. In one thought,
aflemble the famous men of all ages, and tel me
which of them all fate in the funfhine of his
foueraignes grace, or wext great of low beginnings,
but he was fpite-blaflied, heaued at, & ill fpoken
of: and that of thofe that bare them moft
countenance. But were enuy nought but words,
it might feeme to be onely womens finne : but it
hath a lewd mate hanging on his fleeue, called
Murther, a fterne feUowe, that (like a Murder, the
Spanyard in fight) aymeth all at/ the Enuie.
heart : hee hath more fhapes than Proteus^ and
will ftiifte himfelfe, vppon any occafion of reuenge-
ment, into a man's difh, his drinke, his apparell,
his rings, his ftirrops, his nofegay.

52 PIERCE PENILESSE.

O Italic, the Academic of manflaughter, the

itaiie the fporting pkcc of mufther, the Apothe-

l^rmurderouscary-fhop ofpoyfoii for all Nations:

inventions, j^^^ many kind of weapons haft thou

inucntcd for malice ? Suppofc I loue a mans wife,

whofe hufband yet Hues, and cannot cnioy her

for his iealous oucrlooking : Phificke, or rather,

the art of murther, (as it may be vfed) will lend

one a Medicine, which fhal make him away, in

the nature of that difeafe hcc is moft fubieft to,

whether in the fpace of a yearc, a moneth, halfe a

yeere, or what traft of time you will, more or IcfTe.

In Rome the Papall Chayre is wafht, euery

fiuc yeere at the furtheft, with this oyle of Aconi-

tum. I pray God, the King of Spayne feafted

not our holy father Sextus, that was laft, with fuch

conferue of Henbane : for it was credibly reported

hee loued him not, and this, that is now, is a God

made with his owne hands : as it may appeare by

the Pajquil that was fet vp of him, in manner of

The Pasquii ^ note, prefcntly after his election, Sol.

madev^n ^^- •^^- P^- that IS to fay. Solus Rex

this last Pope. ^^ y^^^Y; onely the K. of Spaine made

me Pope. I am no Chronicler from our owne

Countrey, but if probable fu^pition might bee heard

As Cardinal vpon his oath, I thinke fome mens foules

example, would bee canonized for Martyrs, that

on the earth did fway it as Monarchies.

PIERCE PENILESSE. 53

Is it your will and pleafure (noble Lants-graue
oi Lymho) to let vs haue lefle caroufing to your
health in poifon, fewer vnder-hand confpirings,
or open quarrels executed onely in wordes, as they
are in the worlde now a dayes : as if men wUI
needs caroufe, confpire, and quarrell, that they
may make Ruffians hall of Hell : and there bandy
balls of Brimftone at one anothers head, and not
trouble our peaceable Paradife with their priuate
hurliburlies about ftrumpets, where no weapon
(as in Adams Paradife) fhold be named : but
onely the Angell of prouidence ftand with a fiery
fword at the gate, to keep out our enemies.

A Perturbation of mind (like vnto Thecom-
Enuy) is Wrath, which looketh farre Wrath.a
lower than the former : For, whereas Enuie.
Enuie cannot be faide to bee but in refpedb of
our Superiours, Wrath refpefteth no degrees nor
perfons, but is equally armed agaynft all that
ofFende him. / A harebraind little Dwarfe it is,
with a fwarth vifage, that hath his hart at his
tongues end, if he be contraride, and uttie men for
will be fure to do no right nor take no ""1"^'?"'

O arc moSb

wrong. If hee bee a ludge or a luftice ^"sry-
(as fometimes the Lyon comes to giue fentence
againfl: the Lamb), then he fweares by
nothing but by Saint Tyborne, & makes common name
Newgate a Noune Subftantiue, whereto as HomJ)^'i'ra'

54 PIERCE PENILESSE.

common name all his Other words are but Adiedtiues,

for a man or a . , . , - 11 /r- 1 /•

woman. Lightly, hec IS an olde man : (tor thoie

yeares are moft wayward and teatifh) yet be he

neuer fo old or fo froward, fince Auarice likewife

is a fellow vice of thofe fraile yeares, we muft fet

one extreame to ftriue with another, and alay the

anger of oppreffion by the fweet incenfe of a newe

purfe of angels : or the doting Planet may haue

fuch predominance in thefe wicked Elders of

j IJrael, that, if you fend your wife, or fome other

I female, to plead for you, fhe may get your pardon

j vpon promife of better acquaintance. But whift,

' thefe are the workes of darknefle, and may not

be talkt of in the day time : Fury is a heate or

fire, & muft bee quencht with maides water.

Amongft other cholericke wife luftices, he was

A tale of a °"^j ^'^^ hauing a play prefented before

wise Justice, j^jj^^ ^^^ j^jg Towncftiip by 'Tarlton and

the reft of his fellowes, her Maiefties feruants,
and they were now entring into their firft merri-
ment (as they call it), the people began exceedingly
to laugh, when 'Tarlton firft peept out his head.
Whereat the luftice, not a little moued, and feeing
with his beckes and nods, hee could not make
them ceafe, he went with his ftafFe, & beat them
round about vnmercifuUy on the bare pates, in
that they, being but Farmers and poore countrey
hyndes, would prefume to laugh at the Queenes

PIERCE PENILESSE. SS

men, & make no more account of her cloath in
his prefence.

The caufes concluding vnto wrath are as diuers
as the aftions of a mans life. Some will take on
like a mad man, if they fee a pigge come to the
table. Sotericus, the Surgeon, was cholericke at
fight of Sturgeon. The Iriftiman will ^he nature of
draw his dagger, and bee ready to kill 'he irishman.
& flay, if one breake winde in his company : and
fo fome of our Englifli men, that be Souldiers, if
one giue them the lye : but thefe are light matters,
whereof Pierce complaineth not.

Be aduertifed. Matter Os fcetidum, Bedle of the
Blackefmithes, that Lawyers cannot deuife which
way in the world to begge, they are fo troubled
with brabblements and futes euery Tearme, of
Yeomen and Gentlemen that fall out for nothing.
If lohn a Nokes his henne doo but leap into.
Elizabeth de Gappes clofe, fliee will neuer / leaue
to haunt her hulband, till he bring it to a Niji
prius. One while, the Parfon fueth the parifhioner
for bringing home his tythes: another while, the
Parifhioner fueth the Parfon for not taking away
his Tythes in time.

I heard a tale of a Butcher, who driuing two
Calues ouer a Common, that were a merry tale
coupled together by the neckes with & his Caiues.
an Oken With, in the way where they fhould

56 PIERCE PENILESSE.

pafle, there lay a poore, leane Mare, with a
galde backe: to whom they comming (as chance
fell out), one of one fide, and the other of the
other, fmelling on her, (as their manner is) the
midft of the With that was betwixt their necks
rubd her and grated her on the fore backe, that
fhee ftarted and rofe vp, and hung them both on
her backe as a beame : which, being but a rough
plaifter to her raw vlcer, flie ran away with them
(as fhe were frantick) into the Fens, where the
Butcher could not follow them, and drownde both
her felfe and them in a Quagmyre. Now, the
owner of the Mare is in law with the Butcher
for the lofle of his Mare, and the Butcher enter-
changably endites him for his Calues. I pray ye,
Timothy Tempter, be an Arbitrator betwixt them,
& couple them both by the neckes, (as the Calues
were) and carry them to Hel on your backe, and
then, I hope, they wyll be quiet.

The chiefe fpur vnto wrath is Drunkennes,
which, as the touch of an Aihen bough, caufeth
a gidinefle in the Vipers head, and the Batte,
lightly ftrooke with the leafe of a Tree, lofeth his
remembrance : fo they, being but lightly fprinckled
with the iuyce of the Hop, become fencelefl'e, and
haue their reafon ftrooken blind, as foone as euer
the Cup fcaleth the Fortrefle of their Nofe. Then
run their words at random, like a dog that hath

PIERCE PENILESSE. 57

loft his matter, and are vppe with this man & that
man, & generally inuey againft al me : but thofe
that keep a wet corner for a friend, and will not
thinke fcorne to drinke with a good felloWe and
a Souldiour : & fo long do they pradife this vaine
on their Ale-bench, that when they are fober, they
cannot leaue it. There be thofe that get their
liuing all the yeere long, by nothing but rayling.
Not farre from Chejier, I knewe an odde foule-

mouthde knaue, called Charles the Fryer,

111-1 ^ '^® °^ °"®

that had a face fo parboyled with mens Fryer Charles

{pitting on it, and a backe fo often mouthde

knighted in Bridewell, that it was im-

poffible for any fhame or punifhment to terrific

him from ill fpeaking. Noblemen hee would liken

to more vgly things than himfelfe : fome / to Alter

my moft hearty commendations, with a dafti ouer

the head: others to guilded chines of beefe, or

a Ihoomaker fweating, when he puis on a fhoo:

another to an old verfe in Cato, Ad confilium ne

accejferis, antequam voceris : another to a Spanifli

CodpifTe : another, that his face was not yet finiftit,

with fuch like innumerable abfurd allufions : yea,

what was he in the Court but hee had a comparifon

inftead of a Capcafe to put him in. Vpon a time,

being challengde at his owne weapon in a priuate

Chamber, by a great perfonage, (rayling, I meane)

he fo far outftript him in villainous words, and

58 PIERCE PSmLESSE.

ouer-bandied him in bitter tearms, that the name
of fport could not perfuade him patience, or con-
taine his furie in any degrees of ieaft, but needs
he muft wreake himfelfe vpon him: neyther
would a comon reuenge fuffife him, his difpleafure
was fo infinite, (and it may be, common reuenges
he tooke before, as far as the whipcord would
ftretch, vpon like prouokements) wherefore he
caufed his men to take him, and bricke him vp
in a narrowe chimney, that was netiue major neque
minor corf ore locato : where he fed him for fifteene
daies with bread and water through a hole, letting
him fleepe {landing if he would, for lye or fit he
could not, and then he let him out to fee if he
could learne to rule his tongue any better.

It is a difparagement to thofe that haue any true
fpark of Gentilitie, to be noted of the whole world
fo to delight in detracting, that they fliould keepe
a venemous toothde Curre, and feede him with the
crums that fall from his table, to do nothing but
bite euery one by the fliins that pafTe by. If they
will needs be merrie, let them haue a foole, and
not a knaue, to difport them, and feeke fome
other to beftow their almes on, than fuch an
impudent begger.

As there be thofe that rayle at all men, fo there
be them that rayle at all Arts, as Cornelius Agrifpa,
De vanitate Jcientiarum, and a Treatife that I haue

PIERCE PENILESSE. 59

Teene in difpraife of learning, where hee faith, it is
the corrupter of the fimple, the fchoolemafter of
fin, the ftorehoufe of trecherie, the reuiuer of
vices, and mother of cowardize : alledging many
examples, how there was neuer man egregioufly
euill but hee was a SchoUer: that when the vfe
of letters was firft inuented, the Golden World
ceafed, Facinufque inuaftt mortaks : how ftudie
doth effeminate a man, dimme his fight, weaken
his braine, and ingender a thoufand difeafes.
Small learning would ferue to confute fo manifeft
a fcandale, and I imagine all men, like my felfe, fo
vnmoueablie / refolued of the excellencie thereof,
that I will not, by the vnderpropping of confuta-
tion, feeme to giue the idle-witted aduerfary fo
much encouragement, as he fliould furmize his
fuperficiall arguments had ihaken the foundation
of it: againft which he could neuer haue lifted
his pen if her felfe had not helpt him to hurt
herfelfe.

With the enemies of Poetry, I care not if I haue
a bout, and thofe are they that tearme ^ inuectiue
our beft Writers but babling Ballat- Sies'of
makers, holding them fantaftical fooles Po='"e-
that haue wit, but cannot tell how to vfe it. I
my felfe, haue beene fo cenfured among fome
dul-headed diuines : * who deeme it no * Absit am-

. _ gantia, that

more cunnmg to write an exquifite this speech

6o PIERCE PENILESSE.

^'SrntX' Pos™> th3,n to preach pure Caluin, or

^uch°dunces ^iftiH the iuice of a Commentary in a

men of their l^arter Sermon. Prooue it when you

'^s'^^arfnor'^^^^' you flowe fpiritcd Saturnifts, that

''areduhey ^^"^ nothing but the pilfries of your

thelrAudi- P^nne, to polHfli an exhortation withall :

tory. no eloquence but Tautologies, to tie the

eares of your Auditory vnto you : no inuention

but heere is to be noted, I ftole this note out of

•SuchSer- Beza or Marlorat: no wit to moue, no

"as'our'sec^^P^ffio'^ to vrge, but onely an ordinary

*"F'^i,PJgjJ^'' forme of preaching, blowen vp by vfe

conuentkTes, °f o^^en hearing and fpeaking ; and you

T^^llmL ^^11 ^^^^ there goes more exquifite

stauto'ttidr P^^incs and puritie of wit, to the writing

pulpits. Qf Qjjg {"m.]^ j.g^j.g Poem as Rq^mnd, than

'J

to a hundred of your dunfticall Sermons.*

Should we (as you) borrow all out of others,
and gather nothing of our felues, our names would
be baffuld on euerie Booke-fellers ftall, and not a
Chandlers Muftard-pot but would wipe his mouth
with our waft paper. Newe Herrings, new, we
muft cry, euery time we make our felues publique,
or elfe we fhall be chriftend with a hundred new
titles of Idiotifme. Nor is Poetry arLAcLffiherepf
there is no vfe in a mans whole life, but-t©-deicrihe
difcontented thoughts and youthful] defires : jQr___
there is no ftudy, but it_dooth illuftrate & beau-

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 6i

tifie. How admirably fhine thofe Diuines aboue
tHe^ommon mediocritie, that haue tafted the fweet
fprings of Pernajfus ?

Siluer-tongu'd Smith, whofe well tun'd ftile hath
made thy /death the generall teares of xhevseof
the Mufes, queintlie couldft thou deuife ^°'*-'^-
heauenly Ditties to Apolloes Lute, & teach ftately
verfe to trip it as fmoothly as if Quid & thou
had but one foule. Hence along did it Encomium
proceede, that thou wert fuch a plaufible "■ ^'""^'■
pulpit man : before thou entredft into the wonder-
ful] waies of Theologie, thou refinedft, preparedft,
and purifideft thy wings with fweete Poetrie. If a
fimple mans cenfure may be admitted to fpeake in
fuch an open Theater of Opinions, I neuer faw
aboundant reading better mixt with delight, or
fentences which no man can challenge of prophane
aiFeftation, founding more melodious to the eare,
or piercing more deepe to the heart.

To them that demaund, what fruites the Poets
of our time bring forth, or wherein they ^^^ f^j^^ ^j
are able to proue themfelues neceflarie P°e"^y-
to the ftate ? Thus I anfwere. Firft and formofl,
they haue rlp.aTv(eH^ pur langiiagp fiaim barbarL fiae,
and made ffievulgar fort, here in London, (which
is the fountaine whofe riuers flowe round about
England') to afpire to a richer puritie of fpeach,
than is communicated with the Comminalty of any

62 PIERCE PENILESSE.

Nation vnder heauen. The vertuous by their
praifes they encourage to be more vertuous, to
vicious men they are as infernall hags, to haunt
their ghofts with eternall infamie after death. The
Souldier, in hope to haue his high deedes celebrated
by their pens, defpifeth a whole Armie of perills,
and afteth wonders exceeding all humane coniec-
ture. Thofe that care-neither f o r God n o r the '
diuell, by their qui lls are_kept_in awe, \

Plin. lib. 3. — '- "TTrT™"" T ^ . ■

Multi famam, (faith one) pauct con-
Jcientiam verentur.

Let God fee what he will, they would be loath

to haue the fhame of the world. What age wil

not prayfe immortal Sit:^ Phillip Sidney, whome

noble Salujiius (that thrice finguler french Poet)

hath famoufed : together with Sir Nicholas Bacon,

lord keeper, & merry Sir I'homas Moore, for the

chiefe pillers of our englifti fpeech. No^Jb much

but Chauc ers hoft, Baly in Southwarke ^and hi s

/fwife of Bath^ he Jfeeps furh a. ftirre with,Jii_his

j Canterbury tales,„ fhalbe jtaIkt-QfL_w:hilfl:--the Bath

I isIyXed,^^x3r„thei"e„-be-_ eue r a bad houfe in South-

' warke.

Gen/ ties, it is not your lay Chronigraphers that
write of nothing but of Mayors and

The dispraise . 111

ofiaieehroni-Sheriefs, and the deare yeere, and the

great Froft, that can endowe your names

with neuer dated glory : for they want the wings

PIERCE PENILESSE. 63

of choife words to fly to heauen, which we haue :
they cannot fweeten a difcourfe, or wreft admira-
tion from men reading, as we can : reporting the
meaneft accident. Poetry is the hunny of all
flowers, the quintefl'ence of all Sciences, the Mar-
rowe of Witte, and the very Phrafe of Angels :
how much better is it then to haue an eligant
Lawier to plead ones caufe, than a fl:utting Towns-
man, that lofeth himfelfe in his tale, and dooth
nothing but make legs : fo much is it better for a
Nobleman, or Gentleman, to haue his honours
fl:ory related, and his deedes emblazond, by a Poet
than a Citizen.

Alas poor latinlefle Authors, they are fo Ample,
they knowe not what they doe ; they no fooner
fpy a new Ballad, and his name to it that com-
pilde it : but they put him in for one of the
learned men of our time. I maruell how the
Mafterlefle men, that fet vp their bills in Paules
for feruices, and fuch as pafte -vp their papers on
euery poft, for Arithmetique and writing Schooles,
fcape eternitie amongfl: them ; I beleeue both they
and the Knight Marflials men, that naile vp
mandates at the court gat[e], for annoying the
Pallace with filth or making water, if they fet
their names to the writing, will fliortly make vp
the number of the learned men of our time, and
be as famous as the refl:. For my part, I do

64 PIERCE PENILESSE.

challenge no praife of learning to my felfe, yet
haue I worne a gowne in the Vniuerfitie, and fo
hath caret tempus non habet moribus : but this I
dare prefume, that, if any M.ec<enas binde mee
to him by his bounty, or extend fome round
liberalitie to mee worth the fpeaking of, I will
doe him as much honour as any Poet of my
beardlefle yeeres fhall in England. Not that I
am fo confident what I can doe, but that I
attribute fo much to my thankfuU mind aboue
others, which I am perfwaded would enable me
to worke myracles.

On the contrary fide, if I bee euill intreated,
or fent away / with a Flea in mine eare, let
him looke that I will rayle on him foundly :
not for an houre or a day, whiles the iniury
is frefli in my memory : but in fome elaborate,
poUilhed Poem, which I will leaue to the world
when I am dead, to be a liuing Image to all
ages, of his beggerly parfimony and ignoble illi-
beralitie: and let him not (what foeuer he be)
meafure the weight of my words by this booke,
where I write Qjiicquid in buccam venerit, as
faft as my hand can trot: but I haue tearmes
(if I be vext) laid in fteepe in Aqua fort is, and
Gunpowder, that fhall rattle through the Skyes,
and make an Earthquake in a pefants eares. Put
cafe (fince I am not yet out of the Theame of

PIERCE PENILESSE. 65

Wrath) that- fome tired Jade belonging i would teii
to the Prefle, whome I neuer wronged tookeitis,
in my life ; hath named me expreffely in afraid it
print (as I will not do him), and accufed hTs°booke^seH

c ,. c \ • L ■ J • in his latter

me or want or learnmg, vpbraidmg me daies, which
for reuiuing, in an epiftle of mine, the neu dead, and
reuerend memory of Sir 'Thomas Moore, lotseto?^'
Sir John Cheeke, Dodtor fVatfon, Doftor ^™'^'-
Haddon, Dodtor Carre, Maifter Afcham, as if they
were no meate but for his Mafterfhips mouth, or
none but fome fuch, as the fonne of a ropemaker,
were worthy to mention them. To ftiewe how I
can rayle, thus would I begin to rayle on him.
Thou that hadfl: thy hood turnd ouer thy eares,
when thou wert a Batchelor, for abufing of Ariftotle,
and fetting him vp on the Schoole gates, painted
with AfTes eares on his head: is it any difcredit
for me, thou great bahoune, thou Pigmie Braggart,
thou Pampheter of nothing but peans, to
bee cenfured by thee, that haft fcorned chandler's
the Prince of Philofophers ; thou, that the Fikxwmes
in thy Dialogues foldft Hunny for a see no tow
halpenie, and the choyceft Writers ex- wrapt vp in

^ -. - the title page

[tjant tor cues a peece, that cam ft to of such a
the Logicke Schooles when thou wert incerti autho-
a Frefti-man, and writft phrafes; off
with thy gowne and vntrufle, for I meane to lafti
thee mightily. Thou haft a Brother, haft thou

N. II. 5

66 PIERCE PENILESSE.

not, ftudent in Almanackes ? Go to, He ftand to
it, he fatherd one of thy baftards, (a booke I
meane) which, being of thy begetting, was fet
forth vndef his name.

Gentlemen, I am fure you haue hearde of a

ridiculous Affe, /that many yeares fince fold lyes

by the great, & wrote an abfurd aftnlogicall

Dijcour/e of the terrible Coniunftion of Saturne

and lupiter, wherein (as if hee had latelie caft the

Heauens water, or beene at the anatomizing of the

Skies intrailes in Surgeons hall) hee prophecieth of

fuch ftrange wonders to enfue from ftars diftem-

perature, & the vniuerfal adultry of Planets, as

none but he, that is Bawd to thofe celeftiall bodies,

could euer difcry. What expeftation there was of

it both in towne & country, the amazement of

thofe times may teftifie : and the rather, becaufe

he pawned his credit vpon it, in thefe expreffe

■Which at tearmes : If thefe things fall not out in

was^orth k ^^^O" foynt US I haug wrote, let mee for

htjtCTs°at ^^^^ hereafter loofe the credit of my

'tenm'dl" Aftronomie. Well, fo it happend, that

faAer'^wSa ^^ happend not to be a man of his

Ropemaker. v^rord : his Aftronomie broke his day

with his creditors, and Saturne and lupiter prou'd

honefter men than all the World tooke them for :

wherevpon, the poore Prognofticator was ready to

runne himfelfe through with his Jacob's Staffe, &

PIERCE PENILESSE. 67

caft himfelfe headlong from the top of a Globe,
(as a mountaine) and breake his necke. The
whole Vniuerfitie hyft at him, Tarlton at the
Theater made iefts of him, and Elderton con-
fumed his ale-crammed nofe to nothing, in bear-
bayting him with whole bundels of ballets. Would
you, in likely reafon, gefle it were poffible for anie
fhame-fwolne toad to haue the fpet-proofe face to
out Hue this difgrace ? It is, deare brethren, Vivit,
imo vivit ; and which is more, he is a Vicar,

Poor Slaue, I pitie thee that thou hadft no more
grace but to come in my way. Why, could not
you haue fate quyet at home, and writ Catechifmes,
but you muft be comparing me to Martin^, and
exclayme againft me for reckoning vp the high
Schollers of worthie memorie? lupiter ingeniis
prabet Jua numina vatum, faith Quid ; Seque cele-
brari quolibet ore finit. Which, if it be fo, I hope
I am Jliquis, & thofe men, quos honoris caufa
nominavi, are not greater than Gods. Methinks,
I fee thee ftand quiuering & quaking, and euen
now lift vp thy hanfl^ to heauen, as thanking God
my choler/is fomewhat aflwag'd: but thou art
deceiued, for howeuer I let fall my ftile a little,
to talk in reafon with thee that haft none, I do
not meane to let thee fcape fo.

Thou haft wronged one for my fake, (whome
for the name I muft loue) T. N., the Maifter

68 PIERCE PENILESSE.

Butler of Pembrooke Hall, a farre better Scholler
than thy felfe, (in my iudgement) and one that
fheweth more difcretion and gouernment in fetting
vp a fife of Bread, than thou in all thy whole
booke. Why man, thinke no fcorne of him, for
he hath held thee vp a hundred times, whiles the
Deane hath giuen thee correftion, and thou haft
capd and kneed him (when thou wert hungry)
for a chipping. But thats nothing, for hadft thou
neuer beene beholding to him, nor holden vp by
him, he hath a Beard that is a better Gentlema
than all thy whole body, and a graue countenance,
like Cato, able to make thee run out of thy wits
for feare, if he looke fternly vpon thee. I haue
reade ouer thy Sheepifti difcourfe of the Lambe of
God and his enemies, and entreated my patience
to bee good to thee whilft I read it : but for al
that I could doe with myfelfe, (as I am fure I may
doe as much as an other man) I could not refraine,
but bequeath it to the Priuie, leafe by leafe as I
read it, it was fo vgly, dorbellicall, and lamifli.
Monftrous, monftrous, and .palpable, not to be
fpokeh of in a Chriftian Congregation : thou haft
fkumd ouer the Schoole men, and of the froth of
their folly made a difli of diuinitie BrewefTe, which
the dogges will not eate. If the Printer haue any
great dealings with thee, he were beft get a priui-
ledge betimes, Ad imfrimendu Jolum, forbidding all

PIERCE PENILESSE. 69

other to fell wafte paper but himfelfe, or elfe he
will be in a wofull taking. The Lambe ^is owne
of God make thee a wifer Bell-weather ^°"^^'
then thou art, for elfe I doubt thou wilt be driuen
to leaue all, and fal to thy fathers occupation,
which is, to goe and make a rope to hang thy
felfe. Neque enim Lex aquior ulla eft, quam necis
artifices arte perire fua: and fo I leaue thee til a
better opportunity, to be tormented world without
end, of our Poets and Writers about London,
whome thou haft called piperly Make-plaies / and
Make-bates : not doubting but he alfo whom thou
tearmeft the vayn Pap-hatchet, wil haue a flurt at
thee one day: all ioyntly driuing thee to this
iflue, that thou fhalt bee conftrained to goe to the
chiefe Beame of thy Benefice, and there beginning
a la"metable Speech with cur fcripji, cur peril, end
with pravum prava decent, juvat inconcejfa voluptas,
and with a trice trufle vp thy life in the ftring of
thy Sancebell. So be it, pray Penn, Incke, and
paper, on their knees, that they may not be
troubled with thee any more.

Redeo ad vos, mei Auditores, haue I not a in-
different pretty veine in fpurgalling an Afle? if
you knew how extemporall it were at this inftant,
and with what haft it is writ, you would fay fo.
But I would not haue you thinke, that al this that
is fet downe heere, is in good earneft, for then you

70 PIERCE PENILESSE.

goe by S. Gyles, the wrong way to Wejiminjier '.
but onely to fliew how for a neede I could rayle,
if I were throughly fyred. So ho, Honiger
Hammon : where are you al thys while, I cannot
be acquainted with you ? Tell me, what doe you
thinke of the cafe? am I fubiedt to the finne of
Wrath I write againft, or no, in whetting my
penne on this block? I know you would faine
haue it fo, but it fhal not choofe but be otherwife
for this once. Come on : let vs turne ouer a new
leafe, and heare what Gluttony can fay for her
felfe, for Wrath hath fpet his poyfon, and full
platters doe well after extreame purging.

The Romayne Emperours that fucceeded Augus-
tus were exceedingly giuen to this hor-

piaintof' rible vice, whereof fome of them would

Gluttonie. r ^ i • i i r

reede on nothmg but the tongues or
Phefants and Nightingales : other, would fpend
as much at one banquet, as a Kings reuenues
came too in a yeare : whofe excefle I would
decypher at large, but that a new Laureat hath
fau'd me the labor: who, for a man that ftands
vpon paines & not wit, hath performd as much, as
anie Storie dreffer may doo, that fets a new Englifh
nap on an olde Latine Apothegs. It is enough for
me to licke difhes here at home, though I feede
not mine eyes at anie of the Ro/mane feafts.
Much good doo it you, Mafter Diues, here in

PIERCE PENILESSB. n

London : for you are he my pen meanes to dine
withal], Miferere met, what a fat churle it is?
Why, he hath a belly as big as the round Church
in Cambridgey a face as huge as the whole bodie of
a ba{e viall, and legs that, if they were hollow, a
man might keepe a mill in either of them. Experto
cnde Rokrte, there is no maft like a Marchaunts
table. Bond fide, it is a great mifture, that we
haue not men fwine as well as beafts, for then we
fhould haue porke that hath no more bones than a
pudding, and a fide of bacon that you might lay
vnder your head in ftead of a bolfter.

It is not for nothing that other Countries,
whome wee vpbraid with Drunkennefle, call vs
burften-bellied Gluttons : for we make our greedie
paunches powdring tubs of beefe, and eate more
meat at one meale, than the Spaniard or Italian in
a month. Good thriftie men, they drawe out a
dinner with fallets, like a Swart-rutters fute, and
make Madona Nature their beft Caterer, We
muft haue our Tables furnifht like

^f ature in

roultrers flails, or as though we were England is

• n 11 TV7- 7 A 1 • /• 1 • but plaine

to victuall rioahs Arke againe, (wherem Dame, but in
there was al forts of liuing creatures that itaiy (because
euer were) or els the good-wife wil not more vse of

, , , . , , her than we)

open ner mouth to bia one welcome, she is dubbed

A ftranger that fhould come to one of

our Magnificoes houfes, when dinner were fet on

72 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

the boord, and he not yet fet, would think the
goodman of the houfe were a Haberdafher of
Wilde-fowle, or a Merchant venturer of daintie
meate, that fells commodities of good cheere by
the great, and hath Faftors in Arabia, 'Turkey,
Egipt, and Barbarie, to prouide him of ftraunge
Birdes, China muftard, and odde paterns to make
Cuftards by.

Lord, what a coyle haue we, with this Courfe
and that Courfe, remoouing this difh higher, fetting
another lower, and taking away the third. A
Generall might in lefTe fpace remoue his Camp,
than they ftand difpofing of their Gluttonie. And
whereto tends all this gurmandife, but to giue
fleepe grofle humors to feede on, to corrupt the
braine, and make it vnapt and vnweldie for anie
thing .?

The / Romane Cenfors, if they lighted vppon a
fat corpulent man, they ftraight tooke away his
liorfe, and conftrained him to goe a foote : pofi-
tiuely concluding his carkafle was fo puft vp with
gluttony or idlenefle. If wee had fuch horfe-
takers amongft vs, and that furfit-fwolne Churles,
who now ride on their foot-cloathes, might bee
conftrained to carrie their flefh budgets from place
to place on foote, the price of veluet and cloath
would fall with their bellies, and the gentle craft
(alias the red herrings kinfmen) get more, &

PIERCE PENILESSE. 73

drinke lefle. Plenus venter nil agit Ubenter, &
plures gula occidit quam gladius. It is as defperate
a peece of feruice to fleep vpon a full ftomacke, as
it is to feme in face of the bullet : a man is but
his breath, and that may as wel be ftopt by putting
too much in his mouth at once, as runing on the
mouth of the Cannon. That is verified of vs,
which Horace writes of an outragious eater in his
time, ^icquid quafierat ventri donabat avaro,
Whatfoeuer he could rap or rend, he confifcated
to his couetous gut. Nay, we are fuch flefh-
eating Saracens, that chaft filh may not content
vs, but we delight in the murder of innocent
mutton, in the vnpluming of pullerie, and quar-
tering of calues and oxen. It is horrible and
deteftable, no godly Fifhmonger that can digeft it.
Report (which our moderners clepe flun-

, . „ , ■ r ^ ^^^^ wittie

dnng I^ame) puts mee m memorye or a iest of Doctor

_— "Wstsons

notable left I heard long agoe of Doftor

Watjon, verie conducible to the reproofe of thefe

flefhlv-minded Belials. He being at

r r n- rn ■ , Or rather

lupper, on a faftmg or nih night at teUy-aUs, be-

in -1 1 r ^ ■ r • 1 cause all their

lealt. With a great number or his fremds mmde is on
and acquaintance, there chaunced to be
in the company an outlandifh dodor, who, when
all other fell to fuch vidluals (agreeing to the time)
as were before them, he ouerflipt them ; and there
being one ioynt of flefh on the table for fuch as

74 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

had meate ftomackes, fell frefhly to it. After that
hunger (halfe conquered) had reftored him to the
vfe of his fpeach, for his excufe he faid to his friend
that brought him thether, ProfeHo, Domine, ego /urn
maliffimus ftjcator^ meaning hy-pifeator, a Fifhman :
(which is a libertie, as alfo maliffimus, that out-
landifh men in their familiar talke doo challenge,
at leaft vfe, aboue / vs). Jt tu es baniffimus carnifex,
quoth Doftor Wat/m, retorting very merrily his
owne licentious figures vpon him. So of vs it
may be faid, we are Maliffimi pifcatores, but
boniffimi carnifices. I would Englifh the left, for
the edification of the temporaltie, but that it is not
fo good in Englifli as in Latine : and though it
were as good, it would not conuert clubs and
clowted fhoone from the flefh-pots of Egipt, to
the Prouant of the Lowe countreyes : they had
rather (with the Seruing-man) put vp a fupplica-
tion to the Parliament houfe, that they might haue
a yard of pudding for a penie, than defire (with
the Baker) there might bee three ounces of bread
fold for a halfe penie.

Alphon/us, King Philips ConfefTor, that came

ouer with him to England, was fuch a

tion of Fryer moderate man in his dyet, that he would

Alphonso,

King Phillips feedc but once a day, and at that tyme

Confessor

hee would feed fo flenderly and fparingly,
as fcarfe ferued to keep life and foule together.

PIERCE PENILESSE. 75

One night, importunately inuited to a folemnne
banquet, for fafhion fake he fate downe among
the reft, but by no entreatie could be drawen to
eat any thing: at length, frute being fet on the
boord, he reacht an apple out of the difh, and put
it in his pocket, which one marking, that fate right
ouer againft him, aflct him, Bomine, cur es Jolicitus
in crajiinum ? Sir, why are you carefull for the
morrow ? Whereto he anfwered moft foberly, Into
hoc facio, mi amice, ut ne fim Jolicitus in craftinum.
No, I doo it, my frind, that I may not be carefull for
the morrow : as though his appetite were a whole
day contented with fo little as an apple, and that
it were enough to pay the morrowes tribute to
Nature.

Rare, and worthie to be regiftred to all pofteri-
ties, is the Countie Molines (fometime
the Prince of Parmaes companion) altred alteration of

r r ■!• r i i • i the Countie

coune or hre, who bemg a man that Moimes, the
liued in as great pompe and delicacie Parm^c°o m
as was poffible for a man to doo, and p^"""'
one that wanted nothing but a kingdome that his
heart could defire. Vpon a day entering into a
deepe melancholy by himfelfe, hee fell into a dis-
courfiue confideration what this world was, how
vaine and tranfitorie the pleafures / thereof, and
how many times he had offended God by fur-
fetting, gluttony, drunkennes, pride, whoredome.

76 PIERCE PENILESSE.

& fuch like, and how hard it was for him, that
liu'd in that profperitie that he did, not to bee
entangled with thofe pleafures : whereupon he
prefently refolu'd, twixt God and his owne con-
fcience, to forfake it and al his allurements, and
betake him to his feuereft forme of life vfed in
their ftate. And with that cald all his Souldiers
and acquaintance together, and, making knowen
his intent vnto them, he diftributed his lining and
pofleffions (which were infinite) amongft the poorefl:
of them : and hauing not left himfelfe the worth
of one farthing vnder heauen, betooke him to the
moft beggerlie new eredted Order of the Fryer
Capuchines. Their Inftitution is, that they fhall
poflefle nothing whatfoeuer of their owne, more
than the cloathes on their backes, continually to
go bare foote, weare haire fliirts, and lie vpon the
hard bords, winter & fummer time : they muft
haue no meat, nor alke any but what is giuen the
voluntarily, nor muft they lay vp from any meale
to meale, but giue it to y poore, or els it is a great
penaltie. In this feuere humilitie Hues this deuout
Countie, and hath done this foure yeare, fubmitting
himfelfe to al the bafe drudgery of the houfe, as
fetching water, making cleane the reft of their
chambers, infomuch as he is the lunior of the
Order. O what a notable rebuke were his
honourable Lowlines to fucceeding pride, if this

PIERCE PENILESSE. 77

proftrate fpirit of his were not the feruaunt of
Superftition : or hee miflpent not his good workes
on a wrong Faith.

Let but our Englifh belly-gods punifh their
purfie bodies with this ftrift penaunce, and pro-
fefle the Capuchinifme but one month, and He be
their pledge, they ftiall not grow fo like dry-fats as
they doo. O it will make them iolly long-winded,
to trot vp and downe the Dorter ftaires, and the
water-tankard will keepe vnder the infurredtion of
their fhoulders, the haire ftiirt will chafe whordome
out of their boanes, and the hard lodging on the
boards, take their flefli downe, a button hole
lower.

But / if they might be induced to diftribute all
their goods amongft the poore, it were to be hoped
Saint Peter would let them dwell in the fuburbes
of heauen, whereas, otherwife, they mufl: keepe
aloofe at Pancredge, and not come neere the
liberties by fiue leagues and aboue. It is your
dooing [Diotrephes Diuell) that thefe ftal-fed cor-
morants to damnation, mufl: bung vp all the welth
of the Land in their fnap-haunce bags, and poore
SchoUers and Souldiers wander in backe lanes, and
the out-fliiftes of the Citie, with neuer a rag to
their backes : but our trufl; is, that by fome intem-
perance or other, you will, tourne vp their heeles
one of thefe yeares together, and prouide them of

78 PIERCE PENILESSE.

fuch vnthrifts to their heires, as ftiall fpend in one
weeke amongft good fellowes what they got by
extortion and opreflion from Gentlemen all theif
life -time.

From Gluttonie in meates, let me difcend to

The copiaint fuperfluitic in drink : a finne, that euer

ofdnmkenn«s.j[jj^j.g ^^ ^mx.^ mixt our felues with the

Low-countries, is counted honourable : but before

we knew their lingring warres, was held . in y

higheft degree of hatred that might be. Then,

if wee had feene a man goe wallowing in the

Drinking ftfcetes, or line fleeping vnder the boord,

ium,"toSeW^ would haue fpet at him as a toade,

ne"comi'?ut ^"^ ^ald him foule drunken fwine, and

w'hiSl^^°^tir''^^™'i ^ O"*" friends out of his company :

tumd"v^''the i^o'^^j he is DO body that cannot drinke

cup,\Tdrop'it/^i'^^ nagulum, caroufe the Hunters hoop,

°and make a' o^'A-^^'vfJey freze croffc, with leapes gloues,

thaHsri* mumpes, fro[l]ickes, and a thoufand fuch

sMe'^andhe dominicring inuentions. He is reputed

stod°oirby ^ pef^-unt and a boore that will not take

tormuch.Te his licour profoundly. And you Ihall

=T=?n»'*f!!^l heare a Caualier of the firft feather, a

againe tor his '

penance, prjncockes that was but a Page the other
day in the Court, and now is all to be frenchified
in his Souldiers fute, ftand vpon termes with God's
wounds, you dilhonour me fir, you do me the dis-
grace if you do not pledge me as much as I drunke

PIERCE PEmLESSE. 79

to you : and, in the midft of his cups, ftand vaunt-
ing his manhood, beginning euery fentence, with
when I firft bore Armes, when he neuer bare any
thing but his Lords rapier after him in his /life.
If he haue beene ouer, and vifited a towne of
Garrifon, as a trauailer or paflenger, he hath as
great experience as the greateft Commander and
chiefe Leader in England. A mightie deformer of
mens manners and features, is this vnneceflary vice
of all other. Let him bee indued with neuer fo
many vertues, and haue as much goodly proportion
and fauour, as nature can beftow vpon a man : yet
if hee be thirftie after his owne deftruftion, and
hath no ioy nor comfort, but when he is drowning
his foule in a gallon pot, that one beaftly imper-
fediion wil vtterly obfcure all that is commendable
in him : and all his good qualities finke like lead
downe to the bottome of his carrowfing cups,
where they will lie, like lees and dregges, dead
and vnregarded of any man.

Clim of the clough, thou that vfeft to drinke
nothing but fcalding lead and fulpher in hell, thou
art not fo greedie of thy night geare. O, but thou
haft a foule fwaUow, if it come once to caroufing of
humane bloud: but thats but feldome once in feauen
yeare, when theres a great execution, otherwife
thou art tide at rack and manger, and drinkft
nothing but the Aqua vita of vengeance all thy

8o PIERCE PENILE SSE.

life time. The Prouerbe giues it foorth, thou art
a knaue, and therefore I haue more hope thou art
fome manner of a good fellowe : let mee intreate
thee (fince thou haft other iniquities inough to
circumuent vs withall) to wipe this finne out of
the catologue of thy fubtiltie : helpe to blaft the
Vines, that they may beare no more grapes, and
fowre the wines in the cellars of Marchants ftore-
houfes, that our Countreymen may not pifle out
all their wit and thrift againft the walles. King
King Edgars Edgar, becaufe his fubiefts ftiould not
agdSr^nk. offend in fwiUing, & bibbing, as they
'"^' did, caufed certaine iron cups to be
chained to euery fountaine and wells fide, and at
euery Vintners doore, with iron pins in them, to
ftint euery man how much he fhould drinke : and
he that went beyond one of thofe pins forfeited a
penny for euery draught. And, if Stories were
well fearcht, I beleeue hoopes in quart pots were
inuented to that ende, that euery man ilhould take
his hoope, and no more. / I haue heard, it iuftified
for a trueth by great Perfonages, that the olde
The Wonder- Marquefle of Pi/ana (who yet Hues)
nence^ofthe drinkcs not once in feauen yeare : and
^Ksanafyet*^ ^ ^aue read of one Andron of Jrgos, that
Huing. .^^g ^Q fildome thirftie, that he trauailed
ouer the hot burning fands of Lybia, & neuer
dranke. Then, why fhould our colde Clime bring

PIERCE PENILESSE. 8i

foorth fuch fierie throates ? Are we more thirftie
than Spaine and Italy, where the Sunnes force is
doubled? The Germaines and lowe Dutch, me
thinkes, fhould bee continually kept moyft with
the foggie aire and {linking miftes that arife out
of their fennie foyle: but as their Countrey is
ouerflowen with water, fo are their heads alwaies
ouerflowen with wine, and in their bellies they
haue {landing quag-mires & bogs of Engli{h beere.

One of their breede it was that writ the Booke,
De Jrte bibendi, a worfhipfull treatife, xhepnuate
fitte for none but Silenus and his ASe. to ^m^gst
fet forth: befides that volume, we haue drunkards.
generall rules and iniunftions, as good as printed
precepts, or Statutes fet downe by Ade of Parlia-
ment, that goe from drunkard to drunkard ; as
{till to keepe your {ir{l man, not to leaue any
flockes in the bottome of the cup,, to knock the
gla{re on your thumbe when you haue done, to
haue {bme {booing home to pull on your wine, as
a ra{her of the coles, or a redde herring, to flirre
it about with a candles ende to make it ta{le better,
and not to holde your peace whiles the pot is {lirring.

Nor haue we one or two kinde of drunkards
onely, but eight kindes. The {ir{l is Ape
drunke, and he leapes, and {ings, and Wndesof

, ,, , , 1 r 1 1 drunkennesse.

hollowes, and daunceth for the heauens :

the fecond is Lion drunke, and he flings the pots

N. II. €

82 PIERCE PENILESSE.

about the houfe, calls his HoftefTe whore, breakes
the glafle windowes with his dagger, and is apt to
quarrel! with any man that fpeaks to him : the
third is Swine drunke ; heauy, lumpifh, and fleepie,
and cries for a little more drinke, and a fewe more
cloathes: the fourth is Sheepe drunke, wife in his
own coceipt, when he cannot bring foorth a right
word : the fifth is Mawdlen drunke ; when a fellow
wil weepe for kindnes in the / midft of his Ale, and
kifle you, faying, By. God, Captaine, I loue thee :
goe thy waies, thou doft not thinke fo often of me
as I do of thee, I would (if it pleafed God) I could
not loue thee fo well as I doo : and then he puts
his finger in his eie, and cries : the fixt is Martin
drunke, when a man is drunke, and drinkes him-
felfe fober ere he ftirre : the feuenth is Goate
drunke, when, in his drunkennes, he hath no
minde but on Lecherie : the eighth is Fox drunke,
when he is craftie drunke, as mania of the Dutch-
men bee, [that] will neuer bargaine but when they
are drunke. All thefe /pedes, and more, haue I
feen pra<5tifed in one Companie at one fitting, when
I haue been -permitted to remaine fober amongft
them, onely to note their feuerall humors. Hee
that plies any one of them harde, it will make him
to write admirable verfes, and to haue a deepe
calling heade, though hee were neuer fo very a
Dunce before.

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 83

Gentlemen, all you that will not haue your
braines twife fodden, or your flefh rotten

' , Thediscom-

with the Dropne, that loue not to goe moditiesof

. , drunkennes.

in grealie dublets, ftockings out at the
heeles, and weare ale-houfe daggers at your backes,
forfweare this flauering brauCry, that will make
you haue {linking breathes, and your bodies fmell
like Brewers' aprons : rather keepb a fnuiFe in the
bottome of the glafle to light you to bed withall,
than leaue neuer an eye in your head to lead you
ouer the threfhold. It will bring you, in your olde
age, to be companions with none but Porters and
Car-men, to talke out of a Cage, rayling as dronken
men are wont, a hundred boyes wondering about
them ; and to dye fodainly, as Fol Long, the
Fencer, did, drinking Aqua vita. From wJiich
(as all the reft) good Lord deliuer Pierce Peni-
lejfe.

The nurfe of this enormitie (as of all euills) is
Idlenes, or floth, which, hauing no pain- ^he copiaint
ful Proui[de]nce to fet him felfe a worke, °f sioth.
runnes headlong, with the raines in his own hand,
into all lafciuioufnefTe and fenfualitie that may bee.
Men, / when they are idle, and know not what to
do, faith one. Let vs goe to the Stilliard, and drinke
Rhenifti wine. Nay, if a man knew where a good
whorhoufe wer, faith another, it were fomwhat like.
Nay, faith the third, let vs go to a dicing houfe or

84 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

a bowling alley, and there we ftiall haue fome fport
for our money. To one of thefe three (at hand,
quoth pick-purfe) your euil Angelfhip, maifter
mani-headed beaft, conduces them, Vbi quid agitur
— betwixt you and their foules be it, for I am no
Drawer, Box-keeper, or Pander, to bee priuie to
their fports. If I were to paint Sloth, (as I am not
fene in the fweetenings) by Saint /oA« the Euange-
lift, I fweare I would draw it like a Stationer that I
knowe, with his thumb vnder his girdle, who if a
man come to his ftall and afke him for a booke,
neuer ftirs his head, or looks vpon him, but ftands
ftone ftill, and fpeaks not a word : only with his
little finger points backwards to his boy, who muft
be his interpreter, and fo al the day, gaping like
a dumbe image, he fits without motion, except at
fuch times as he goes to dinner or fupper : for then
videUcet, be- ^^ '^ ^^ quicke as other three, eating
out'of'his b"d,fixe times euery day. If I would raunge
bre^'f^Cthe abroad, and looke in at fluggards key-

atenoones ^oles, I fliould findc a number lying a
supir^!"and^a ^^d to faue charges of ordinaries, & in

reresupper. ^intg]-^ when they want firing, lofing
halfe a weeks Commons together, to keepe them
warme in the linnen. And hold you content, this
Summer an vnder-meale of an afternoone long doth
not amifl'e to exercife the eies withall. Fat men
and Farmers fonnes, that fweate much with eating

PIERCE PENILESSE. 85

harde cheefe, and drinking olde wine, muft haue
fome more eafe than yong boyes, that take their
pleafure all day running vp and downe.

Setting iefting afide, I hold it a great difputable
queftion, which is a more euil man, of , .

^ ' Which IS

him that is an idle glutton at home, or a better of the

° , idle glutton,

retchlefle vnthrirt abroad ? The glotton or vagrant

° vnthnft?

at home doth nothing but engender
difeafes, pamper his flefli vnto luft, and is good for
none but his owne gut : the vnthrift abroad exer-
cifeth his bodie at dauncing fchoole, fence fchoole,
tennis, and all fuch recreations : the vintners, the
viftuallers, / the dicing-houfes, and who not, get
by him. Suppofe he lofe a little now and then at
play, it teacheth him wit : and how fhould a man
know to efchue vices, if his owne experience did
not acquaint him with their inconueniences ? Omne
ignotum pro magnifico eji: that villainie we haue
made no aflayes in, we admyre. Befides, my
vagrant Reueller haunts Playes, and ftiarpens his
wits with frequenting the company of Poets: he
emboldens his blufhing face by courting faire
women on the fodaine, and lookes into all Eftates
by conuerfing with them in publike places. Nowe
tell me whether of thefe two, the heauy headed
gluttonous houfe doue, or this liuely, wanton,
young Gallant, is like to prooue the wifer man,
and better member in the Common wealth.? If

86 PIERCE PENILESSE.

my youth might not be: thought partial!, the fine
qualified Gentleman, although vnftaid, fliould carie
it clean away from the lazie clownifh droane.

Sloth in Nobilitie, Courtiers, SchoUers, or any
The effects "^en, is the chiefeft caufe that brings

of sloth, jjj^gj^ jj^ contempt. For, as induftrie
and vnfatigable toyle raifeth meane perfons from
obfcure ho^fes to high thrones of authoritie : fo
Sloath, and fluggifh fecurity, caufeth proud Lordes
to tumble from the towers of their ftarry difcents,
and bee trod vnder foote of euery inferior Befonian,
Is it the lofty treading of a Galliard, or fine grace
in telling of a loue tale amongft Ladies, can make
a man reuerenft of the multitude.? no, they care
not for the f^lfe gliftering of gay garments, or
infinuating curtefie of a carpet Peere ; but they
delight to fee, him fhine in Armour, and oppofe
himfelfe to honourable daunger, to participate a
vplunt^rie penie with his fouldiers, and relieue part
of their wante out of his owne purfe. That is the
courfe he that will be popular muft take, which, if
he negleft, and fit dallying at home, nor will be
awakte by any indignities out of his loue-dreame,
but fufFer euery vpftart groome to defie him, fet
him at naught, and ihake him by the beard vn-
reuengde, let him ftraight take orders, and bee a
Church-man, a^d then his patience may pafTe for a
vertue : but otherwife, to be fufpedted of cowardife.

PIERCE PENILESSE. 87

and not car'd for of/ any. The onely enemie to
Sloth, is contention and emulation ; as ^^g ^^^ t^
to propofe one man to my felfe, that ^"°>"^^ ^^°"*-
is the onely myrrbur of our Age, and ftriue to
outgoe him in vertue. But this ftrife muft be fb
tempred, that we fal not from the eagernefle of
prayfe, to the enuying of their perfons: for, then,
we leaue running to the goak of glory, to fpurne
at a ftone that lies in our way ; and fo did Atlante,
in the middeft of her courfe ftoup to take vp the
golden apple y her enemie fcattered in her way,
and was out-runne by Hippomenes.. The contrary
to this contention, & emulation, is fecuritie, peace,
quiet, tranquillitie : wheh we haue no aduerfary to
prie into our adbions, no malicious eye, whofe pur-
fuing our priuate behauiour, might make vs more
vigilant ouer our imperfeftions, than otherwife we
would be.

That State or Kingdome that is in league with
all the World, and hath no forraine fword to vexe
it, is not half fo ftrong or confirmed to endure, as
that which Hues euery houre in feare of inuafion.
There is a ceriaine wafte of the people for whom
there is no vfe, but warre : and thtfe men muft
haue fome employment ftill to cut them off. Nam
ft foras hojiem non kahent, domi invenient. If they
haue no feruice abroad, they will make mutinies at
home. Or if the aifayres of the State be fuch, as

88 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

cannot exhale all thefe corrupt excrements, it is
very expedient they haue feme light toyes to bufie
their heades withall, to caft before them as bones
to gnaw vppon, which may keepe them from
hauing leafure to intermeddle with higher matters.
To this effecft, the poUicie of Playes is verie
The defece neccflary, howfoeuer fome fliallow-bra,ind
of Playes. cenfurers (not the deepefl: ferchers into
the fecrets of gouernment) mightily oppugne them.
For whereas the after-noone being the idleft time
of the day; wherein men that are their owne
mafters, (as Gentlemen of the Court, the Innes of
the Court, and the number of Captaines and
Souldiers about London) doo wholly beftow them-
felues vpon pleafure, and that pleafure they deuide
(how vertuoufly it flcilles not) either into gameing,
following of harlots, drinking, or feeing a Play : is
it not / then better (fince of foure extreames all the
world cannot keepe them but they will choofe one)
that they fhould betake them to the leaft, which is
Playes? Nay, what if I prooue Playes to be no
extreame ; but a rare exercife of vertue ? Firft,
for the fubiecfb of them (for the moft part) it is
borrowed out of our Englifh Chronicles, wherein
our forefathers valiant adtes (that haue lien long
buried in ruftie brafs and worme-eaten bookes)
are reuiued, and they themfelues rayfed from the
Graue of Obhuion, and brought to pleade their

PIERCE PENILESSE. 89

aged Honours in open prefence : than which,
what can be a fharper reproofe to thefe degenerate
effeminate dayes of ours?

How would it haue ioyed braue Talbot (the
terror of the French) to thinke that after he had
lyen two hundred yeare in his Toomb, he ftiould
triumph againe on the Stage, and haue his bones
new embalmed with the. teares of ten thoufand
fpedators at leaft, (at feuerall times) who, in the
Tragedian that reprefents his perfon, imagine they
behold him frefh bleeding.
/ I will defend it againft anie Collian, or clubfifted
Vfurer of them all, there is no immortalitie can be
giuen a man on earth like vnto Playes. What
talke I to them of immortalitie, that are the onely
vnderminers of Honour, & doe enuie any man
that is not fprung vp by bafe Brokerie like them-
felues. They care not if all the auncient Houfes
were rooted out, fo that, like the Burgomafters of
the Low countries, they might fhare the gouern
ment amongft them as States, & be quarter-mafters
of our Monarchie. Al Arts to them are vanitie :
and, if you tell them what a glorious thing it is to
haue Henry the fifth reprefented on the Stage, lead-
ing the French King prifoner, and forcing both
him and the Dolphin to fweare fealty. I, but
(will they fay) what doo we get by it ? refpedting
neither the right of Fame that is due to true

go PIERCE PENJLESSE.

Nobilitie deceafed, nor what, hopes of eternitie
are to be propofed to aduentrous mindes, to
encourage them forward, but onely their execrable
lucre, & filthy vnquenchable auarice.

They / know when they are, dead they fhal not
be brought vpon the Stage for any goodnes, but in
a merriment. of the Vfurer and the Diuel, or buying
Armes of the Herald, who giues them the Lyon,
without tongue tayle or. tallents, becaufe his mafter
whom he muft ferue is a Townefman, and a man
of peace, and muft not keepe any quarrelling beafts
to annoy his honeft neighbours.

In Playes, all coofonages, all cunning drifts
Thevseof ouerguyldcd with outward holinefle, all

Playes. ftjfatagems of warre, all the canker-
wormes that breede on the ruft of peace, are moft
liuely anatomiz'd: they fliew the ill fuccefle of
treafon, the fall of hafty climbers, the wretched
ende of vfurpers, the miferie of ciuil, diflention,
and how iuft God is euermore in puniihing of
murther. And to prooue euery one of thefe
allegations, qould I propound the circumftances
of this play and that play, if I meant to handle
this Theame other wife than obiter. What fhould
The confuta- 1 fay morc ? they are fower pills of

tionofCiti- ■' • . .' f . ' f

zens obiec- reprchenfion, wrapt vp m fweete words.

Players. Whcras fome Petitioners to the Counfaile

againft them obiedt, they corrupt the youth of

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 91

the Citie, and withdrawe Pr6ntifes from their
worke ; they heartely wifh they might be troubled
with none of their youth nor their prentifes ;
for fome of them (I meane the ruder handi-
craftes feruaunts) neuer come abroad, but they
are in danger of vndooing : and as for corfupiting
them when they come, thats falfe ; for' no Play
they haue, encourageth any man to tuniiults or'
rebellion, but layes before fuch the halter and the
gallowes ; or pfayfeth or approoueth pride, luft,
whoredome, prodigalitie, or driirikeirines, but beates
them downe vtterly. As for the hindrance of
Trades and Traders of the Citie hf them, that is
an Article foyfted in by the vintners, ale-wiues,
and viiftuallers, who furmife, if there were no
Playes, they fliould haue all the companie that
refort to thenl, lye bowzing and beere-bathing in
their houfes euery after-noone. Nor ib, nor fo,
good brother bottle-ale, for there are other places
befide where money can beftow it felfe : the figne
of the fmocke will wype your motith clean : and
yet I haue heard ye haue made /her a tenant to
your tap-houfes. But what fliall he doo that hath
fpent himfelfe? where ihall he haunt? Faith,
when dice, luft, and drunkennes, and all haue
dealt vpon him, if there bee neuer a Play for
him to goe to for his penie, he fits melancholic
in his chamber, deuifing vpon felonie or treafon.

92 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

and howe hee may beft exalt himfelfe by mis-
chiefe.

In Auguftus time (who was the Patron of all
witty fports) there happened a great Fray in Rome
about a Plaier, infomuch as all the Citie was in an
vprore : whereupon the Emperour (after the broyle
was fomewhat ouer-blown) cald the Player before
him, and afkt what was the reafon that a man of
his qualitie durft prefume to make fuch a brawle
about nothing. He fmilingly replyde, It is good
for thee O Ca/ar, that the ■peoples heades
wittie answere (?rf troubled With brawks and quarrels

to Augustus. , ,

about vs and our light matters : fov other-
wife they would looke into thee and thy matters.
Read Lipfius or any prophane or Chriftian Poli-
tician, and you fhal finde him of this opinion.
A comparison Our Playcrs are not as the players
pi^er^a'^d bcyond fea, a fort of fquirting baudie
beyo^d^ttie Comcdians, that haue whores and com-
^^' mon Curtizans to play womens parts,
and forbeare no immodeft Ipeech or vnchaft action
that may procure laughter ; but our Sceane is more
ftately furniflit than euer it was in the time of
Rofcius, our reprefentations honorable, and full of
gallant refolution, not confifting, like theirs, of a
Pantaloun, a Whore, and a Zanie, but of Em-
perours, Kings, and Princes : whofe true Tragedies
(Sophocleo cothurno) they doo vaunt.

PIERCE PENILESSE. 93

Not Rojcius nor MJop, thofe Tragedians ad-
myred before Chrift was borne, could

■' • • L The due

euer performe more in adlion than comendation

^ n r ofNedAUen.

famous Ned Allen. I mult accule our
Poets of floth and partialitie, that they will not
boaft in large impreffions what worthy men (aboue
all Nations) England afFoords. Other Countries
cannot haue a Fidler breake a firing but they
will put it in print, and the olde Romanes in the
writings they published, thought fcorne to vfe any
but domeftical examples of their owne home-bred
Aftors, SchoUers, / and Champions, and them they
would extoll to the third and fourth Generation :
Coblers, Tinkers, Fencers, none efcapt them, but
they mingled them all on one Gallimafrey of
glory,

Heere I haue vfed a like Methode, not of tying
my felfe to mine owne Countrey, but by infifting
in the experience of our time : and, if I euer write
any thing in Latine, (as I hope one day I fhall) not
a man of any defert here amongft vs, but I will
haue vp. 'Tarlton, Ned Allen, Knell, Bentlie, (hall
be made knowen to France, Spaine, and Italie : and
not a part that they furmounted in, more than
other, but I will there note and fet downe, with
the manner of their habites and attyre.

The child of Sloth is Lecherie, which I haue
plac't laft in my order of handling : a fmne that

94 PIERCE PENIJLESSE.

is able to make a man wicked that jfhould defcribe
The seuenth ^^ ; for it hath more ftarting-holes than a
compkto'of fiue hath holes, more Clyents than Weft-

Lechery. tninfter-hall, more difeafesthan Newgate.
Call a Leete at By/hopjgate, bic examine how euery
fecond houfe in Slhyrditch is mayntayned : make
a priuie fearch in Southwarke, and tell mee how
many Shee-Inmates you finde: nay, goe where
you will in the Suburbes, and bring me two
Virgins that haue vowd Chaftity, and He builde
a Nunnery.

Weftminfter, Weftminfter, much maydenhead haft
thou to anfwere for at the day of Judgement.
Thou hadft a Sandtuary in thee once, but haft
few Saints left in thee now. Surgeons and Ap-
pothecaries, you know what I fpeake is true ; for
you Hue (like Sumners) vpon the finnes of the
people ; tell me is there any place fo lewde as this
Ladie London ? Not a Wench fooner creepes out
of the fhell, but ftie is of the Religion. Some
wiues will fowe Mandrake in their gardens, and
crofle-neighbourhoode with them is counted good-
fellowftiip.

The Court I dare not touch, but furely there (as
in the Heauens) bee many falling ftarres, and but
one true Diana. Conjuetudo peccandi tollit Jenjum
■peccati. Cuftome is a Lawe, and / Luft holdes it
for a Lawe, to Hue without Lawe. Lais, that had

PIERCE PENILESSE. 95

fo many Poets to her Louers, could not allwayes
preferue her beauty witH their prayfes. Marble
will weare away with much raine : Gold wil ruft
with moyft keeping : & the ritcheft garments are
fubied: to Times Moath-frets ; Clitemneftra, that
flew her huflaand to enioye the Adulturer MgifiuSi
and bathde herfelfe in Milke euety day to nlake
her young agayne, had a time when fliee was
afhamed to viewe herfelfe in a looking glaffe, and
her body withered, her minde being greene. The
people poynted at her for a murtherer, young
children howted at her as a ftrumpet: fliame,
mifery, ficknefTe, beggery, is the beft end of
vncleannefTe.

Lais, Cleopatra, Helen, if our Clyme had any
fuch, noble Lord warden of the Wenches &
Anglers, I commend them with the reft of our
vncleane fifters in Shorditch, the Spiftle, South-
warke, Weftminfter, and Turnbull ftreete, to the
proteftion of your Porterfliip : hoping you will
fpeedily carrie them to hell, there to keepe open
houfe for all young diuels that come, and not let
our ayre bee contaminated with theyr fixpenie
damnation any longer.

Tour Diuel/hifs
bounden execrator,

Pierte PenilefTe.

96 PIERCE PENILESSE.

A / Supplication calfl; thou this ? (quoth the
Knight of the poft) it is the maddeft Supplica-
tion that euer I fawe ; me thinkes thou haft
handled all the feauen deadly finnes in it, and
fpared none that exceedes his limites in any of
them. It is wel done to pradtife thy witte, but
(I beleeue) our Lord will cun thee little thanke
for it.

The worfe for me (quoth I), if my deftinie be
fuch, to lofe my labour euery where, but I meane
to take my chance, be it good or bad. Wel, haft
thou any more that thou wouldeft haue me to doo?
(quoth hee) Onely one fute, (quoth I) which is
this, that fith opportunitie fo conueniently ferues,
you would acquaint me with the ftate of your
infernal regiment: and what that hel is, where
your Lord holdes his throne; whether a world
like this, which fpirites like outlawes doo inhabit,
who, being banifht from heauen, as they are from
their Countrie, enuie that any fhall bee more happy
than they : and therefore feeke all meanes poffible,
that Wit or Arte may inuent, to make other men
as wretched as themfelues : or, whether it be a
place of horror, ftench, and darknelTe, where men
fee meat, but can get none, or are euer thirftie, and
ready to fwelt for drinke, yet haue not the power
to taft the coole ftreames that runne hard at their
feete : where {^ermutata viciffitudine) one Ghoft

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 97

torments an other by turnes, and hee that al his
life time was a great fornicator, hath all the difeafes
of luft continually hanging vpon him, and is con-
ftrayned (the more to augment his mifery) to haue
congrefle euery howre with hagges and olde witches:
and he that was a great drunkard heere on earth,
hath his penance affignde him, to caroufe himfelfe
drunke with difhwafti and Vineger, and furfet
foure times a day with fower Ale and fmall Beere :
as fo of the reft, as the vfurer to fwallow moulten
golde, the glutton to eate nothing but toades, and
the Murtherer too be ftil ftabd with daggers, but
neuer die : or whether (as fome phantaftical refyners
of philofophie will needes perfwade vs) hell is no-
thing but error, and that none but fooles and
Idiotes and Mechani / call men, that haue no learn-
ing, fliall be damnd : of thefe doubts if you will
refolue me, I fliall thinke my felf to haue profited
greatly by your companie.

He hearing me fo inquifitiue in matters aboue
humane capacitie, entertained my greedie humor
with this anfwere. Poets and Philofophers, that
take a pride in inuenting new opinions, haue
fought to renoume their wits by hunting after
ftrange conceits of heauen and hell; all generally
agreeing, that fuch places there are, but how in-
habited, by whom gouerned, or what betides them
that are tranfported to the one or other, not two of

N. II. 7

98 PIERCE PENILESSE.

them iumpe in one tale. We, that to our terror
and griefe doe knowe their dotage by our Offer-
ings, reioyce to thinke how thefe fiUie flyes play
with the fire that muft burne them.

But leauing them to the Laborynth of their fond
curiofitie, ftiail I tell thee in a word what Hell is ?
It is a place where ^ foules of vntemperate men, &
ill liuers of al forts, are detayned and imprifoned
till the generall Refurredion, kept and poffeffed
chiefly by fpirites, who lye like Souldiours in
Garrifon, readie to be fent about any feruice into
the world, whenfoeuer Lucifer, their Lieftenaunt
Generall, pleafeth. For the fcituation of it, in
refped: of heauen, I can no better compare it than
to Callis and Doner : for, as a man ftanding vpon
Callis Sands may fee men walking on Douer
Clyffes, fo eafily may you difcerne Heauen from
the fartheft part of hell, and behold the melodie
and motions of the Angels and Spirits there refi-
dent, in fuch perfe6l manner, as if you were
amongfl: them; which, how it worketh in the
mindes and foules of them that haue no power
to apprehend fuch felicitie, it is not for me to
intimate, becaufe it is preiudiciall to our Mon-
archie.

I would bee forrie (quoth I) to importune you
in any matter of fecrecie : yet this I defire, if it
might bee done without offence, that you would

PIERCE PENILE SSE. 99

fatisfie me in full fort, and according to truth,
what the Diuell is whom you ferue ? as alfo how
he began, and how farre his power and authoritie
extends ?

Perfte, / beleeue me, thou fhriveft me very neere
in this latter demaund, which concerneth vs more
deeply than the former, and may worke vs more
damage than thou art aware of: yet in hope thou
wilt conceale what I tell thee, I wil lay open our
whole eftate plainly and fimply vnto thee as it is :
but firfl: I will begin with the opinions of former
times, & fo haften forward to that manifefie verum
that thou feekeft. Some men there be that, building
too much vpon reafon, perfwade themfelues that
there are no Diuells at all, but that this word
Damon is fuch another morall of mifchiefe, as
the Poets Dame Fortune is of mifhap : for as vnder
the fid:ion of this blinde GoddefTe we ayme at the
folly of Princes and great men in difpofing of
honors, that oftentimes preferre fooles and difgrace
wife men, and alter their fauours in turning of an
eye, as Fortune turns her wheele : fo vnder the
perfon of this olde Gnathonicall companion, called
the Diuell, we fhrowd all fubtiltie, maflcing vnder
the name of fimplicitie, all painted holines devour-
ing widowes houfes, all gray-headed Foxes clad in
Iheepes garments ; fo that the Diuell (as they
make it) is onely a peftilent humour in a man.

100 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

of pleafure, profit, or policie, that violently carries
him away to vanitie, villanie, or monftrous hypo-
crifie : vnder vanitie I comprehend not onely all
vaine Arts and ftudies whatfoeuer, but alfo dis-
honorable prodigality, vntemperate venerie, and
that hatefull finne of felfe-loue, which is fo common
among vs : vnder villany I comprehend murder,
treafon, theft, coufnage, cut-throat couetife, and fuch
like : laftly, vnder hypocrifie, al Machiauilifme,
puritanifme, & outward gloafing with a mans
enemie, and protefting friendfhip to him I hate,
and meane to harme, all vnder-hand cloaking of
bad actions with Common- wealth pretences : and,
finally, all Italionate conueyances, as to kill a man,
and then mourne for him, quq^ vera it was not by
hiy confent, to be a flaue to him that hath iniur'd
me, and kiffe his feete for opportunities of reuenge,
to be feuere in puniihing ofi^enders, that none might
haue the benefite of fuch meanes but myfelfe, to
vfe men for my purpofe & then caft them off, to
feeke his / deftrudion that knowes my fecrets : and
fuch as I haue imployed in any murther or fbata-
gem, to fet them priuilie together by the eares, to
ftab each other mutually, for fear of bewraying
me : or, if that faile, to hire them to humor one
another in fuch courfes as may bring them both
to the gallowes. Thefe, and a thoufand more fuch
fleights, hath hypocrifie learned by trauailing ftrange

PIERCE PENILESSE. loi

Countries. I will not fay fhe puts them in praftife
here in England, although there be as many falfe
brethren & craftie knaues here amongft vs as in
any place : witnes the poore Miller of Cambridge,
that, hauing no roome for his hen-loft but the
Teftor of his bed, and it was not poffible for any
hungrie Poultrers to come there, but they muft
ftand vpon the one fide of it, and fo not fteale them
but with great hazard ; had in one night notwith-
ftanding (when hee and his wife were a fnorting)
all the whole progenie of their Pullerie taken
away, and neither of them heard anie fturring : it
is an odde tricke, but what of that, we muft not
ftand vpon it, for wee haue grauer matters in
hand than the ftealing of Hennes. Hypocrifie, I
remember, was our Text, which was one of the
chiefe morrall Diuels, our late Dodtors affirme to
bee moft bufie in thefe dayes : and bufie it is, in
trueth, more than anye Bee that I knowe: now
you talke of a Bee, He tell you a tale of a Battle-
dore.

The Beare on a time, beeing chiefe Burgomafter
of all the Beafts vnder the Lyon, gan thinke with
himfelfe how hee might furfet in pleafure, or beft
huft)and his Authoritie to enlardge his delight and
contentment. With that hee beganne to prye and
to fmell through euery corner of the Forreft for
praye, to haue a thoufande imaginations with him-

102 PIERCE PENILESSE.

felfe what daintie morfell he was mafter of, and yet
had not tafted : whole Heards of fheepe had hee
deuoured, and was not fatisfied ; fat Oxen, Heyfers,
Swine, Calues, and young Kiddes, were his ordinarie
vyands : he longed for horfe-flefh, and went pre-
fently to a medowe, where a fat Cammell was
grazing, whorn, fearing to encounter with force,
becaufe he was a huge beaft and well fliod, / he
thought to betray vnder the colour of demaunding
homage, hoping that, as he fhould ftoop to doo
him truage, he might feaze vpon his throat, and
ftifle him before he fhould be able to recouer him-
felfe from his falfe embrace : but therin he was
deceiued : for, comming vnto this ftately Beaft
with this imperious meflage, in ftead of doing
homage Vnto him, he lifted vp one of his hindmoft
heeles, and ftroake him fuch a blowe on the for-
head that hee ouerthrew him. Thereat not a little
moou'd, and enrag'd, that he fhould be fo dilhonored
by his inferiour, as he thought, he confulted with
the Ape how he might be reueged. The Ape,
abhorring him by nature, becaufe he ouer-lookt
him fo Lordly, and was by fo many degrees
greater than he was, aduifed him to digge a pit
with his pawes right in the way where this big
boand Gentleman fhould pafTe, that fo ftumbling and
falling in, he might lightly fkip on his baclce, and
bridle him, and then hee [could] come and feaze on

PIERCE PENILESSE. 103

him at his pleafure. No fooner was this perfwaded
tha performed : for enuie, that is neuer idle, could
not fleep in his wrath, or ouer-flip the leaft oppor-
tunitie, till he had feene the confufion of his enemie.
Alas, goodly Creature, that thou mighteft no longer
liue. What auaileth thy gentlenes, thy prowefTe,
or the plentifull pafture wherein thou wert fed,
fince malice triumphs ouer al thou commandeft?
Well may the Mule rife vp in armes, and the Affe
bray at the Authors of thy death : yet (hall their
furie be fatall to themfelues, before it take hold on
thefe Traitours. What needeth more words ? the
deuourer feedes on his captiue, and is gorged with
bloud. But as auarice and crueltie are euermore
thirftie, fo far'd it with this hungrie Ufurper : for
hauing flefht his ambition with this treacherous
conqueft, he paft along through a groue, where a
Heard of Deare were a ranging ; whom, when he
had ftedfaftly furveyed from the fatteft to the
leaneft, hee fingled out one of the faireft of the
companie, with whom he meant to clofe up his
ftomacke inftead of cheefe : but becaufe the Wood-
men were euer ftirring thereabout, and it was not
poffible for one of his coate to commit fuch outrage
vndefcried, and that, if/ he were efpied, his life
were in perill ; though not with the Lyon, whofe
eyes he coulde blinde as he lift, yet with the lefler
fort of the brutilh Comminaltie, whom no flattrie

104 PIERCE PENILESSE.

might pacific. Therefore, he determined flylie and
priuilie to poyfon the ftreame where this iolly
Forefter wonted to drink ; & as he determined,
fo he did : whereby it fell out, that when the
Sunne was afcended to his height, & all the nimble
Citizens of the Wood betooke them to their Laire,
this youthfull Lord of the Lawnds, all faint and
malcontent, (as prophecying his neere approaching
mifhap by his languifhing) with a lazie, wallowing
pace, ftrayed afide from the reft of his fellowfhip,
and betooke him all careleffly to the corrupted
fountaine that was prepared for his Funerall. Ah,
woe is me, this poyfon is pitiles. What need I fay
more, fince you know it is death with whom it
encounters. And yet cannot all this expence of
life, fet a period to infatiable Murther : but ftill it
hath fome anuile to worke vpon, and ouercafts all
oppofite prolperitie, that may any way (hadow his
glorie. Too long it were to reherfe all the prac-
tifes of this fauadge blood-hunter : how he affailed
the Unicorne as he flept in his den, and tore the
hart out of his breaft ere he could awake : how he
made the leffer beafts lie in wait one for the other,
and the Crocodyle to coape with the Bafiliike, that
when they had enterchaungeably weakned each
other, hee might come and infult ouer them both
as he lift. But thefe were leffer matters, which
daily vfe had worne out of mens mouthes, and

PIERCE PENILESSE. 105

he himfelf had fo cuftomably praftifed, that often
exercife had quite abrogated the opinion of finne,
& impudencie throughly cofirmd an vndaunted
defiance of vertue in his face. Yet new-fangled
luft, that in time is wearie of welfare, & will bee
as foone cloyed with too much eafe and delicacie,
as Pouertie with labour and fcarcitie, at length
brought him out of loue with this greedie, beftiall
humour : and now he aifedted a milder varietie in
his diet: he had bethought him what a pleafant
thing it was to eate nothing but honie another
while, and what great ftore of it there was in that
Countrey.

Now / did he caft in his head, that if hee might
bring the hufbandmen of the foyle in opinion that
they might buy honey cheaper than being at fuch
charges in keeping of Bees, or that thofe bees
which they kept were moft of the drones, & what
fhould fuch idle drones doe with fuch ftately Hyues,
or lye fucking at fuch precious Honnicombes ; that
if they were tooke away from them, and diftributed
equally abroad, they would releeue a great many of
painfull labourers that had need of them, and would
continually Hue feruiceable at their commaund, if
they might enioy fuch a benefite. Nay more, let
them giue Wafpes but onely the wax, and difpofe
of the honnie as they thinke good, and they fhall
humme and buzze a thoufand times lowder than

io6 PIERCE PENILESSE.

they, and haue the hiue fuller at the yeeres end
(with yong ones, I meane) than the Bees are wont
in ten yere.

To broach this deuice, the Foxe was addreft like
a ihepheards dogge, and promift to haue his Pattent
feald, to bee the Kings Poulterer for euer, if hee
could bring it to pafle. Faith, quoth he, and He
put it in a venter, let it hap how it will. With
that he grew in league with an old Camelion, that
could put on all fhapes, and imitate any colour, as
occafion ferued, and him he addreft, fometime like
an Ape to make fport, & then like a Crocodile to
weepe, fometime like a Serpent to fting, and by
and by like a Spaniel to fawne, that with thefe
fundrie formes, (applyde to mens variable humors)
he might perfwade the world he ment as he fpake,
and only intended their good, when he thought
nothing lefTe. In this difguife, thefe two deceiuers
went vp & downe, and did much harme vnder the
habite of Simplicitie, making the poore filly Swaines
beleeue they were cunning Phifitions, and well
feene in all Cures, that they could heale any
maladie, though neuer fo daungerous, & reftore a
man to life that had been dead two dayes, onely
by breathing vpon him: aboue all things they
perfwaded them, that the honny that their Bees
brought forth, was poyfonous and corrupt, by
reafon that thofe floures and hearbs, out of which

PIERCE PENILESSE. 107

it was gathered and exhaled, were fubieft to the
infeftion of euery Spi / der and venimous Canker,
and not a loathfome Toade (how deteftable foeuer)
but repofde himfelfe vnder theyr fliadow, and lay
fucking at their rootes continually : wheras in other
Countries, no noifome or poifnous creature might
Hue, by reafon of the imputed goodnes of the Soyle,
or carefuU diligence of the Gardners aboue ours, as
for example, Scotland, Denmarke, & fome more pure
parts of the 17 Prouinces. Thefe perfwafions made
the good honeft Hufbandmen to paufe, and miftruft
their owne wits very much, in nourifhing fuch
dangerous Animals, but* yet, I know not how
antiquitie and cuftome fo ouer-rulde ♦interdum
their feare, that none would refolue to^S'JSr
abandon them on the fodaine, til they p^'"^'"
faw a further inconuenience : whereby my two
cunning Philofophers were driuen to ftudie Galen
anew, and feeke fplenatiue fimples, to purge their
popular Patients of the opinion of their olde Tra-
ditions and Cuftomes : which, how they wrought
with the moft part that had leaft wit, it were a
world to tell. For now nothing was Canonicall
but what they fpake, no man would conuerfe with
his wife but firft afkt their aduife, nor pare his
nayles, nor cut his beard, without their prefcrip-
tion : fo fenceles, fo wauering is the light vncon-
ftaunt Multitude, that will daunce after euerie

lo8 PIERCE PENILESSE.

mans pype ; and fooner prefer a blinde harper that
can fqueake out a new horne-pipe, than Alcinous
or Appolloes varietie, that imitates the eight ftraines
of the Doryan melodie. I fpeak this to ampHfie
y nouell folly of the headlong vulgar, that making
their eyes and eares vafTailes to the legerdemaine
of thefe iugling Mountebanks, are prefently drawne
to contemne Art and experience, in comparifon
of the ignorance of a number of audacious ideots.
The Fox can tell a faire tale, and couers all his
knauerie vnder confcience, and the Camelion can
addrefle himfelf like an Angell whenfoeuer he is
difpofed to worke mifchief by myracles : but yet
in the end, their fecret drifts are laide open, and
Linceus eyes, that fee through ftone walles, haue
made a paffage into the clofe couerture of their
hypocrifie.

For one daye, as thefe two Deuifers were plotting
by / themfelues how to driue all the Bees from their
Honnycombes, by putting wormewood in their
Hyues, and ftrewing Henbane and Rue in euery
place where they refort : a Flye that paft by, and
heard all their talke, ftomaking the Foxe of olde,
for that he had murthred fo many of his kindred
with his flayle-driuing taile, went prefently and
buzd in Linceus eares, the whole purport of their
malice : who awaking his hundred eyes at thefe
vnexpeded tidings gan purfue them wherfoeuer

PIERCE PENILESSE. log

they went, & trace their intents as they proceeded
into adtion, fo that ere halfe their baytes were caft
forth, they were apprehended and imprifoned, and
all their whole counfaile detefted. But long ere
this, the Beare, impatient of delayes, and confum'd
with an inward griefe in himfelfe, that hee might
not haue his will of a fat Hinde that out-ran him,
he went into the woods all melancholic, and there
dyed for pure anger : leauing the Foxe and the
Camelion to the deftinie of their defert, and mercie
of their Judges. How they fcapte I knowe not,
but fome faye they were hangd, and fo weele leaue
them.

How lik'fl: thou of my tale, friend Perfie ?
Haue I not defcribed a right earthly. Diuell vnto
thee, in the difcourfe of this bloodie minded
Beare? or canft thou not attradt the true image
of Hypocrifie, vnder the defcription of the Foxe
and the Camelion?

Yes, very well (quoth I) ; but I would gladly
haue you returne to your firft fubiedt, fince you
haue mooued doubts in my minde, which you
haue not yet difcuft.

Of the fundrie opinions of the Diuell thou
meaneft, and them that imagine him to haue no
exiftence, of which fort are they that firft inuented
the Prouerbe, Homo homini Damon: meaning
thereby, that that power which we call the Diuell,

1 1 o PIER CE PENILE SSE.

and the miniftring Spirits belonging to his king-
dome are tales and fables, and meere bugge-beares
to fcarre boyes : and that there is no fuch efTence
at all, but onely it is a terme of large content,
defcribing the rancor, grudge, & bad dealing of
one man towards another : as, namely, when one
friend talkes with another fubtilly, and feekes to
dyue into /his commoditie, that hee may depriue
him of it craftilie ; when the fonne feeks the death
of the father, that he may be infeoifed in his wealth:
& the ftepdame goes about to make away her
fonne-in-law, that her children may inherit : whe
brothers fall at iarres for portions, & fhall, by
open murther or priuy confpiracy, attempt the
confufion of each other, only to ioyne houfe to
houfe, and vnite two Liuelihoods in one : when
the feruant fhal rob his Mafter, and men put in
truft, ftart away from their oathes and vowes, they
care not how.

In fuch cafes & many more, may one man be
fayd to bee a diuell to another, & this is the fecond
opinion. The third is that of Plato, who not onely
affirmeth that there are diuels, but deuided them
into three forts, euery one a degree of dignitie
aboue the other ; the firfi: are thofe, whofe bodies
are c5pad of y pureft ayrie Element, combined
with fuch tranfparant threeds, that neither they
doo partake fo much fire as ihould make them

PIERCE PENILESSE. in

vifible to fight, or haue any fuch affinitie with the
earth, as they are able to be preft or toucht : &
thefe he fetteth in the higheft incomprehenfible
degree of heauen. The fecond, he maketh thefe,
whom Apuleius doth call reafonable Creatures,
paffiue in minde and eternall in Time, being thofe
afojiata fpirites that rebelled with Belzebub : whofe
bodies, before their fall, were bright and pure all like
to the former : but, after their tranfgreffion, they
were obfcured in a thicke, fiery matter, and euer
after affigned to darknes. The third, he attributes
to thofe men that, by fome diuine knowledge or
vnderftanding, feeming to afpyre aboue mortalitie,
are called Damona, (that is) Gods : for this word
Damon contayneth eyther, and Homer in euery
place doth vfe it both for that omnipotent power
that was before al things, and the euill fpirite that
leadeth men to error : fo doth Syrianus teftifie, that
Plato was called Damon, becaufe he difputed of
deepe Common-wealth matters, greatly auailable
to the benefite of his Countrey : and Ariftotle
becaufe he wrote at large of al things fubiedt to
mouing and fence. Then belike (quoth I) you
make this word Damon, a capable name of Gods,
of men, and of diuells, which is farre diftant / from
the fcope of my demand : for I doo only inquire
of the diuel, as this common appellation of the
Diuel, fignifleth a malignant fpirit, enemie to man-

112 PIERCE PENILESSE.

kinde, and a hater of God and all goodnes. Thofe
are the fecond kinde, faid he, vfually termed de-
traders, or accufers, that are in knowledge infinite,
infomuch as, by the quicknes of their wits &
agreeable mixtures of the Elements, they fo com-
prehend thofe feminarie vertues to men vnknown,
that thofe things which, in courfe of time or by
growing degrees, Nature of itfelfe can effeft, they,
by their art and fkil in haftning the works of
Nature, can contriue and compafle in a moment:
as the Magitians of Pharao, who, whereas Nature,
not without fome interpofition of time and ordi-
narie caufes of conception, brings forth frogs,
ferpents, or any liuing thing els, they, without
all fuch diftance of fpace, or circumfcription of
feafon, euen in a thought, as foone as their King
commanded, couered the land of ^gipt with this
monftrous encreafe. Of the originall of vs fpirites,
the Scripture moft amply maketh mention, namely,
that Lucifer, (before his fall) an Arch-angel, was a
cleere body, compadt of the pureft and brighteft of
the ayre, but after his fall hee was vayled with a
grofer fubftance, and tooke a new forme of darke
and thicke ayre, which he ftill reteyneth. Neither
did he onely fall, when hee ftroue with Michael,
but drewe a number of Angels to his fadtion ;
who ioynt partakers of his proud reuolt, were
likewife partakers of his punifhment, and all thruft

PIERCE PENILESSE. 113

out of heauen together by one iudgement : who
euer fince doo nothing but wander about the Earth,
and tempt and enforce frayle men to enterprife all
wickednes that may be, and commit moft horrible
and abominable things againft God. Meruaile not
that I difcouer fo much of our eftate vnto thee :
for the Scripture hath more than I mention, as
S. Veter, where he fayth that God /pared not his
Angels that finned: and in an other place; wher
he faith that they are bound with the chains of
darknes, and throwne headlong into hell: which is
not meant of any locall place in the earth, or vnder
the waters ; for, as Auflin affirmeth, wee doo in-
habite the Region vnder the Moone, /and haue
the thick aire affigned vs as a prifon, from whence
we may with fmall labour call our nets where wee
lift : yet are we not fo at our difp[o]fition, but that
we are ftill commanded by Lucifer^ (although we
are in number infinite) who retaining that pride
wherewith he arrogantly affedted the Maieftie of
God, hath ftill his miniftring Angels about him,
whom he employes in feuerall charges, to feduce
& deceiue as him feemeth beft : as thofe fpirites
which the Latins call louios and Antemeridianos, to
fpeake out of Oracles, and make the people worftiip
them as Gods, when they are nothing but deluding
Diuels, that couet to haue a falfe Deitie afcribed
vnto them, & draw men vnto their loue by won-

N. II. 8

114 PIERCE PENILESSE.

ders & prodegies, that els would hate them deadly,
if they knewe their maleuolence and enuy. Such
a monarchizing fpirit it was that fayd vnto Chrift,
If thou wilt fall downe, and worfhip me, I will giue
thee all the Kingdomes of the earth: and fuch a
fpirit it was that pofleft the Libian Safho, and the
Emperour Diodejian, who thought it the bleffedft
thing that might be to be called God. For the
one being weary of humane honor, & infpired
with a fupernaturall folly, taught little birds, that
were capable of fpeech, to pronounce diftinftly,
Magnus Deus Sapho; that is to fay, A' great god
is Sapho: which words, when they had learned
readily to carroll, and were perfe6t in their
note, he let them flie at randome, that fo dis-
perfing themfelues euery where, they might induce
the people to account of him as a God. The
other was fo arrogant, that he made his fubiefts
fal proftrate on their faces, and lifting vp their
hands to him as to heauen, adore him as omni-
potent.

The fecond kind of Diuels, which he moft
imployeth, are thofe northerne Marcij, called the
fpirits of reuenge, & the authors of maflacres, &
feedsmen of mifchiefe : for they haue commiflion
to incenfe men to rapines, facriledge, theft, murther
wrath, furie, and all manner of cruelties, & they
commaund certaine of the Southern fpirits (as

PIER CE PENILESSE. 1 1 5

flaues) to wayt vpon them, as alfo great Jrioch,
that is tearmed the fpirite of reuenge,

Thefe / know how to diffociate the loue ot
brethren, and to break wedlock bands with fuch
violence, that they may not be vnited, & are
predominant in many other domefticall mutinies :
of whom, if you lift to heare more, read the 39 of
Eccleftafticus. The prophet EJay maketh mention
of another Spirit, fent by God to the Egyptians, to
make them ftray and wander out of the way, that
is to fay, the Spirite of lying, which they call
Bolychym. The fpirits that entice men to gluttonie
& luft, are certaine watry fpirits of the Weft, and
certaine Southerne fpirits as Nefrach and Kelen,
which for the moft part profecute vnlawfull loues,
and cherifti all vnnatural defires : they wander
through lakes, fifti-ponds, and fennes, & ouer-
whelme ftiips, caft boates vpon ankers, and drowne
men that are fwimming : therefore are they counted
the moft peftilent, troublefome, and guilefull fpirits
that are : for by the helpe of Alynach, a Spirit of
the Weft, they will raife ftormes, caufe earthquakes,
whirlwindes, rayne, haile or fnow in the cleereft
day that is : and if euer they appeare to any man,
they come in womens apparell. The fpirits of the
aire will mixe themfelues with thunder & lighten-
ing, and fo infeft the Clyme where they raife any
tempeft, that fodainly great mortalitie ftial enfue to

ii6 PIERCE PENILESSE.

the inhabitants from the infeftious vapors which
arife from their motions : of fuch S. lohn maketh
mention in the ninth of the Apocalips; their
patrone is Mereris, who beareth chief rule about
the middle time of the day.

The fpirits of the fire haue their manfions vnder
the regions of the Moone, that whatfoeuer is com-
mitted to their charge they may there execute, as
in their proper cofiftorie, from whence they cannot
ftart. The fpirits of the Earth keepe, for the moft
part, in Forrefts and woods, and doo hunters much
noyance, and fometime in the broad fields, where
they lead trauellers out of y right way, or fright
men with deformed apparitions, or make them
run mad through exceffiue melancholy, like Aiax
'Telamonius, & fo proue hurtfull to themfelues, and
dangerous to others : of this number the chiefe are
Samaab and Achymael, fpirits of the Eaft, that haue
no power to doo any great harme, by reafon/of
the vnconftancie of their affeftions. The vnder-
earth fpirits, are fuch as lurk in dens & little
cauernes of the earth, and hollow creuifes of
mountaines, that they may dyue into the bowels
of the earth at their pleafures : thefe dig metals
and watch treafures, which they continually trans-
port from place to place, that none fhould haue vfe
of them : they raife windes that vomit flames, &
fliake the foundation of buildings, they daunce in

PIERCE PENILESSE. 117

rounds in pleafant Launds, and greene meddowes,
with noyfes of mufick and minftralfie, & vanifh
away when any comes neere them : they will take
vpon them any fimilitude but of a woman, and
terrifie men in the likenes of dead mens ghofts in
the night time : and of this qualitie & condition
the Necromancers hold Gaziel, Fegor., and Anarazel,
Southerne fpirits, to be. Befides, there are yet
remaining certaine lying fpirits, who (although all
bee giuen to lie by nature) yet are they more prone
to that vice than the reft, being named Pythonifts,
of whom Apollo comes to be called Pythaus : they
haue a prince afwel as other fpirits, of whom
mention is made in the 3 booke of Kings, when
he faith he will be a lying fpirit in the mouth of
all Ahabs prophets : from which thofe fpirites of
iniquitie doo little diifer, which are called the
veflels of wrath, that affift Belial (whom they
interpret a fpirite without yoake or controuler)
in all damnable deuifes and inuentions. Plato
reports them to bee fuch as firft devifed Cardes
and dice, and I am in the mind, that the Monke
was of the fame order, that found out the vfe of
Gunpouder, and the engines of warre thereto
belonging. Thofe that write of thefe matters
call this Belial Chodar of the Eaft, that hath all
witches and coniurers fpirits vnder his iurifdiftion,
& giues them leaue to helpe Juglers in their tricks,

ii8 PIERCE PENILESSE.

iic Simon Magus to doo miracles ; allwaies prouided
they bring a foule home to their Mafter for his
hyre.

Yet are not thefe all, for there are fpirits called
fpies & tale-cariers, obedient to Afcaroth, whom
the Greekes call Daimona, and S. lohn, The accufer
of the brethren : alfo tempters, who for their inter-
rupting vs in al our good actions are cald our euill
Angels. Aboue all things they hate the light, and /
reioyce in darknes, difquieting men malicioufly in
the night, & fometimes hurt them by pinching
them, or blafting them as they fleepe : but they
are not fo much to be dreaded as other fpirits,
becaufe if a man fpeak to them, they flee away,
and will not abide. Such a fpirit Plinius Secundus
telleth of, that vfed to haunt a goodly houfe in
Athens that Athemdorus hired ; and fuch another
Suetonius defcribeth to haue long houered in
Lamianus garden, where Caligula lay buried, who
for becaufe he was onely couered with a fewe clods,
and vnreuerently throwne amongft the weedes, hee
merueiloufly diflurbed the owners of the garden,
& would not let them refl: in their beds, till by his
Sifters, returned from banifhment, he was taken
vp, & entoombed folemnly. Paufanias avoucheth
(amongft other experiments) that a certaine fpirit
called Zazilus doth feed vpon dead mens corfes,
that are not deeply enterred as they ought :

PIERCE PENILESSE. iig

which to confirrae, there is a wonderfull accident
fet downe in the Danifh hiftorie of AJuitus and
AJmundus, who, being two famous frends (well
knowen in thofe parts) vowd one to another, that
which of the two outliued the other, fhould be
buried aliue with his friend that firft died. In
. ihort fpace AJuitus fell ficke and yeelded to nature :
Afmundus, compelled by the oath of his friendfhip,
took none but his horfe and his dog with him, and
tranfported the dead bodie into a vaft caue vnder
the earth, & ther determined (hauing viftualed
himfelfe for a long time) to finifh his dayes in
darknes, and neuer depart from him that he loued
fo dearly.

Thus fhut vp, and enclofed in the bowels of the
earth, it hapned Eritus, King of Sweueland, to paffe
that way with his armie, not full two moneths
after : who coming to the toombe of AJuitus, and
fufpefting it a place where treafure was hidden,
caufed his Pioneers with their fpades and mat-
tockes to dig it vp: whereupon was difcouered
the loathfome body of AJmundus, al to befmeared
with dead mens filth, & his vifage moft vgly and
ffearefull ; which imbrued with congeald blood,
and eaten and torne like a raw vlcer, made him
fo gaftly to behold, that all the lookers on were
affrighted. He, feeing himfelfe / reftored to light,
and fo many amazed men ftand about him, re-

120 PIERCE PENILESSE.

folued their vncertaine perplexitie in thefe tearmes.
Why ftand you aftonifht at my vnufual defor-
mities ? when no liuing man conuerfeth with the
dead but is thus disfigured. But other caufes
haue eiFedbed this alteration in me: for I know
not what audacious fpirit, fent by Gorgon from the
deep, hath not onely moft rauenoufly deuoured my
horfe and my dog, but alfo hath layd his hungry
pawes vpon mee, and, tearing downe my cheekes
as you fee, hath likewife rent away one of mine
eares. Hence it is that my mangled fhape feemes
fo monftrous, and my humane image obfcured with
gore in this wife. Yet fcaped not this fell Harpie
from mee vnreuengd : for, as he aflayld me, I
raught his head from his fhoulders, and fheathd
my fword in his body. Haue fpirites their vifible
bodies, faid I, that may be toucht, wounded, or
pierft ? Beleeue me, I neuer heard that in' my life
before this. Why, quoth he, although in their
proper effence they are creatures incorporal, yet
can they take vpon the the induments of any
liuing body whatfoeuer, and transform e themfelues
into all kinde of fhapes, whereby they may more
eafily deceiue our fhallow wits and fences. So
teftifies Bajilius, that they can put on a materiall
forme when they lift. Socrates affirmeth that his
D^mon did oftentimes talke with him, & that he
faw & felt him many times. But^ Marcus Cherone-

PIERCE PENILESSE. I2I

fius (a wonderfull difcouerer of Diuels) writeth,
that thofe bodies which they affume are diftin-
guifht by no difFerence of fex, becaufe tliey are
fimple, and the difcernance of fex belongs to bodies
compound : yet are they flexible, raotiue, and apt
for any configuration ; but not al of them alike ;
for the fpirits of the Fire and Aire haue this power
aboue the reft. The fpirits of the water haue flow
bodies refembling birds and women, of which kinde
the Naiades & Nereides are much celebrated amongft
Poets. Neuertheles, howeuer they are reftrayned
to their feueral fimilitudes, it is certaine that all of
them defire no forme or figure fo much, as the
likeneffe of a man, & doo thinke themfelues in
heauen when they are infeoft in that hue : where-
fore I know no / other reafon but this, that man is
the neereft reprefentatio to God, in fo much as the
Scripture faith. He made man after his own likenejfe
and image : and they aff^edling, by reafon of their
pride, to be as like God as they may, contend moft
ferioufly to fliroud themfelues vnder that habit.

But, I pray, tell mee this, whether are there (as
Porphirius holdeth) good fpirits afwell as euill?
Nay, certainely (quoth he) we are al euill, let
Porphirius, Proclus, Apuleius, or the Platonifts
difpute to the contrary as long as they will : which
I will confirme to thy capacity by the names that
are euerywhere giuen vs in the Scripture : for the

1 2 2 PIER CE PENILESSE.

diuell, which is the Summum genus to vs all, is
called Diabolus quaji deorfum ruens, that is to fay,
falling downward, as hee that afpyring too high,
was thrown from the top of felicitie to the loweft
pit of defpayre : and fathan, that is to fay, an
Aduerfary, who, for the corruption of his malice,
oppofeth himfelfe euer againft God, who is the
chiefeft good. In lob Behemoth and Leuiathan,
and in the 9. of the Apocalifs, Afolyon, that is to
fay, a Subuerter: becaufe the foundation of thofe
vertues, which our high Maker hath planted in
our foules, hee vndermineth and fubuerteth. A
Serpent for his poyfoning, a Lyon for his deuour-
ing : a Furnace, for that by his malice the Eleft
are tryed, who are vefTels of wrath and faluation.
In Efay a Syren, a Lamia, a Scrich-oule, an Eftridge.
In the Pfalmes, an Adder, a Bafilifke, a Dragon.
And laftly, in the Gofpel, Mammon, Prince of this
world, and the Gouernour of darknes : fo that, by
the whole courfe of condemning names that are
giuen vs, and no one inftance of any fauourable
tytle beftowed vpon vs, I pofitiuely fet downe that
all fpirits are euill. Now, whereas the Diuines
attribute vnto vs thefe good and euill fpirits, the
good to guide vs from euil, and the euil to draw
vs from goodnefTe, they are not called fpirits, but
Angells, of which fort was Raphael!, the good
Angel of Tobias, who exilde the euill fpirit A/mo-

FIERCE PENILE SSE. 123

dius into the defart of -^gipt, that he might be
the more fecure from his temptation. Since wee
haue entred thus far into the diuels common-
wealth, I befeech you certifie me thus much,/
whether haue they power to hurt granted them
from god or from themfelues i can they hurt as
much as they wil? Not fo, quoth hee, for al-
though that diuells be moft mightie fpirites, yet
can they not hurt but permiffiuelie, or by fome
{peciall difpenfation : as when a man is fain into
the ftate of an outlaw, the Lawe difpenfeth with
them that kils him, & the Prince excludes him
from the protedtion of a fubiedt, fo, when a man
is* a relaps from God and his Lawes, God with-
drawes his prouidence from watching ouer him, &
authorifeth the deuil, as his inftrument, to aflault
him and torment him, fo that whatfoeuer he dooth,
is Limitata poteftate, as one faith : infomuch as a
haire cannot fall from our heads, without the will
of our heauenlie Father.

The diuell could not deceiue Achabs prophets
till he was licenfed by God, nor exercife his tyranie
ouer lob, til he had giuen him commiffion, nor
enter into the heard of fwine, til Chrifl: bad them
goe. Therefore, need you not feare the diuell any
whit, as long as you are in the fauour of God, who
raineth him fo ftraight, that except he let him loofe
he can doo nothing. This manlike proportion.

124 PIERCE PENILESSE.

which I now retaine, is but a thinge of fufFrance,
granted vnto me to plague fuch men as hunt after
ftrife, & are delighted with variance. It may be
fo very well, but whether haue you that fkil to
foretell thinges to come, that is afcribed vnto you ?
We haue (quoth he) fometimes : not that we are
priuie to the eternall counfel of god, but for that
by the fenfe of our ayrie bodies, we haue a more
refined faculty of forefeeing, than men poflibly can
haue, that are chained to fuch heauie earthlie
moulder; or els for that by the incomparable
pernicitie of thofe ayrie bodies, we not onely out-
ftrip the fwiftnes of men, beafts and birds, wherby
we may be able to attain to the knowledge of
things fooner, than thofe that by the dulnes of
their earthlie fenfe com a great waie behind vs.
Herunto may we adioine our long experience in
the courfe of things from the beginning of the
world, which men want, and, therfore, cannot haue
that deepe coniedure that we haue. Nor is our
knowledge any more than coniedlure: for pre-
fcience only belongeth to God, & that gefle / that
we haue proceedeth from the compared difpofition
of heauenly and erthlie bodies, by whofe long
obferued temperature, we doo diuine manie times,
as it happens : & therefore doo we take vpon vs to
prophecy, that we may purchafe eftimation to our
names, & bringe men in admiration with that we

PIERCE PENILESSE. 125

do, and fo be counted for Gods. The myracles
wee work are partly contriued by illufion, and
partly affifted by that fupernatural fkil we haue in
the experience of nature aboue al other creatures.
But againft thefe illufions of your fubtletie & vain
terrors you inflidt, what is our chiefe refuge ? I
fhalbe accounted a foolifh Diuel anon, if I bewray
the fecrets of our kingdome, as I haue begun ; yet
fpeak I no more than learned Clarks haue written,
and afmuch as they haue fet downe will I fhew
thee.

Origin, in his treatife againft Celfus, faith, there
is nothing better for him that is vexed with fpirits,
then the naming of lefu the true God, for he
auoucheth, he hath feen diuers driuen out of mens
bodies by that meanes. Athanajius in his booke
Be varijs queftionihus faith. The prefenteft remedie
againft the inuafion of euill fpirits, is the beginning
of the 67. Pfalme, Exurgat Deus, &f diffifentur
inimici ejus. Cyprian counfels men to adiure fpirits
onely by the name of the true God. Some hold
that fire is a preferuatiue for this purpofe, becaufe
when any fpirit appeareth, the lights by little and
little goe out, as it were of their owne accord, and
the tapers are by degrees extinguiftit. Others by
inuocating vpon God, by the name of Vehiculum
ignis Juperioris, and often rehearfing the Articles
of our faith. A third fort are perfwaded that the

126 PIERCE PENILESSE.

brandifhing of fwordes is good for this purpofe,
becaufe Homer faineth, that Vlijfes, facrificing to
his mother, wafted his fword in the aire to chafe
the fpirits from the bloude of the facrifice. And
Sybylla, conducing Aeneas to hell, begins hir
charmes in this fort.

Procul, frocul, ejle prophani :
Tuque juvande viam, vaginaque eripe ferrum.

Philojiratus reporteth, that he and his companions
meeting that diuel which artifts entitle Apolonius,
as they came one night from banquetting, with
fuch termes as he is curft in / holy writ, they made
him run awaie howling. Manie in this cafe extoll
perfume of Calamentum pieonia, Menta palma Chrijii,
and Appius. A number prefer the carying of red
Corrall about them, or of Arthemifia hyfericon,
Ruta verbena : & to this effeft manie doo vfe
the jyngling of keyes, the found of the harp, and
the clafhing of armor. Some of old time put great
fuperftition in charadters, curioufly engraued in
their Pentagonon, but they are all vaine, & will
do no good, if they be otherwife vfed than as
fignes of couenaunt betweene the diuell and them.
Nor doo I affirme all the reft to be vnfallible pre-
fcriptions, though fometime they haue their vfe :
but that the onelie affured waie to refift their
attempts is prayer and faith, gainft which all the

PIERCE PENILESSE. 127

diuells in hell cannot preuaile. Inough, gentle
fpirit, I wil importune thee no farther, but commit
this Supplication to thy care : which, if thou deliuer
accordinglie, thou fhalt at thy returne haue mor[e]
of my cuftome : for by that time I wil haue
finifhed certain letters to diuers Orators & Poets,
difperced in your dominions. That as occation
fhal ferue, but nowe I muft take leaue of you, for
it is Terme time, and I haue fome bufines. A
Gentleman (a frend of mine, that I neuer faw
before) ftaies for me, and is like to be vndone if
I come not in to beare witnes on his fide : where-
fore Bazilez manus till our next meeting.

Gentle Reader, tandem aliquando I am at leafure
to talke to thee. I dar fay thou haft cald me
a hundred times dolt for this fenfeles difcourfe:
it is no matter, thou doft but as I haue done by
a number in my dayes. For who can abide a
fcuruie pedling Poet to pluck a man by the fleeue
at euerie third ftep in Paules Churchyard, and
when hee comes in to feruey his wares, theres
nothing but purgations and vomits wrapt vp in
waft paper. It were verie good the dogwhipper
in Paules would haue a care of this in his vnfauerie
vifitation tuerie Saterday : for it is dangerous for
fuch of the Qu^enes liedge people, as fhall take a
viewe of them faffing.

Looke / to it, you liookfellers & Stationers, and

J 28 PIERCE PENILESSE.

let not your fhops be infe<5ted with anie fuch goofe
gyblets, or ftinking garbadge as the Jygs of news-
mongers, and efpeciallie fuch of you as frequent
Weftminfter hal], let them be circumfped what
dunghill papers they bring thither: for one bad
phamphlet is inough to raife a dampe that may
poyfon a whole Terme, or at the leaft a number,
of poore Clyents, that haue no money to preuent
il aire by breaking their fafts ere they come thether.
Not a bafe Inck-dropper, or fcuruy plodder at
Nouerint, but nailes his afles eares on euerie poaft,
& comes off with long Circumquaque to the Gentle-
man Readers, yea, the moft excerementary difh-
lickers of lerning are grown fo valiant in impu-
dence, that now they fet vp their faces (like Turks)
of gray paper, to be fpet at for filuer games in
Finfburie fields. Whilft I am thus talking, me
thinkes I heare one fay. What a fop is this, he
entitles his Booke a Supplication to the Diuell, &
doth nothing but raile on ideots, and tells a ftorie
of the nature of fpirits. Haue patience, good fir,
and weele come to you by and by. Is it my Title
you finde fault with ? Why, haue you not {ecnt
a Towne furnamed by the principall houfe in the
Towne, or a Noble man deriue his Baronie from a
little village where he hath leaft land .? So fareth
it by me in chriftening of my booke. But fome
will obied, wheretoo tends chis difcouerie of diuels.

PIERCE PENltESSE. 129

or how is it induced ? Forfooth, if thou wilt needs
know my refon, this it is. I bring Pierce Penikjfe
to queftion with the diuel, as a yong nouice would
talke with a great trauailer, who, carying an Eng-
liflimans appetite to enquire of news, will be fure
to make what vfe of him he may, and not leaue
any thing vnaflct, that he can refolue him of. If
then the diuell be tedious in difcourfing, impute it
to Pierce Penikjfe that was importunate in demand-
ing ; or if I haue not made him fo fecret or fubtill
in his art, as diuels are wont, let that of LaSiantius
be mine excufe, lib 2, cap 16 de Origenis err ore,
when he faith, the diuels haue no power to lie to a
juft man, and if they adiure them by the maiefty of
the high God, they will not onely confeffe them-
felues to be Diuels, but alfo tel their / names as
they are. Deus bone, what a vaine am I fallen
into ^ what, an Epiftle to the Readers in the end
of thy book.'' Out vppon thee for an arrent
blocke, where learndfl: thou that wit i* O fir, hold
your peace : a fellon neuer comes to his anfwere
before the oiFence be committed. Wherefore, if I
in the beginning of my Book fhould haue come off
with a long Apologie to excufe my felfe, it were all
one, as if a theefe, going to fteale a horfe, fhould
deuife by the waie as he went, what to fpake when
he came at the gallowes. Here is a crofTe waie,
and I thinke it good heere to part. Farwell, fare-

N. II. 9

130 PIERCE PENILESSE.

well, good Parenthefis, and commend me to Ladie
Vanitie, thy miftres.

Now, Tierce feniles, if for a parting blow thou
haft ere a tricke in thy budget more then ordinarie,
bee not daintie of it, for a good patron will pay for
all. I, where is he? PromiJJis quilibet diues ejfe
■poteft. But cap and thanks is all our Courtiers
payment : wherefore, I would counfell my frends
to be more confiderate in their Dedications, and
not caft away fo many months labour vppon a
clowne that knowes not how to vfe a Scholer : for
what reafon haue I to beftow any of my wit vpon
him, that wil beftow none of his wealth vpon me.
Alas, it is an eafie, matter for a goodlie tall fellow,
that ftiineth in his filkes, to come and out face a
poore fimple Pedant in a thred bare cloak, and tell
him his Booke is prety, but at this time he is not
prouided for him : marrie, about two or three daies
hence if he come that waie, his Page ftial fay he is
not within, or els he is fo bufie with my L. How-
call-ye him, and my L. What-call-ye him, that he
may not be fpoken withall. Thefe are the common
courfes of the world, which euery man priuatly
murmurs at, but none dares openlie vpbraid, be-
caufe all Artifts for the moft are bafe minded and
like the Indians, that haue ftore of gold & precious
ftones at comm'ad, yet are ignorant of their value,
and therfore let the Spaniards, the Engliftimen

PIERCE PENILESSE. 131

and euery one lode their fhips with them without
moleftation. So they, enioyeing and pofTeffing the
puritie of knowledge, (a treafure farre richer than
the Indian Mynes) let euerie proud 'Thrajo be
partaker of their perfedions, repaieing them no
profit: and/gyld himfelfe with the titles they
giue him, when he wil fcarce returne them a good
word for their labor : giue an Ape but a nut, and
he wil looke your head for it ; or a Dog a bone,
and hele wag his tayle : but giue me one of my
young Mafters a booke, and he will put of his hat
and blufh, and fo go his waie.

Yes, now I remember me, I lie ; for I know him
that had thankes for three yeares worke, and a
Gentleman that beftowed much coft in refining of
muficke, & had fcarfe Fidlers wages for his labor.
We want an Aretine here among vs, that might
ftrip thefe golden afles out of their gay trappings,
and after he had ridden them to death with railing,
leaue them on the dunghil for carion. But I will
write to his ghoft by my carrier, & I hope Kele
repare his whip, and vfe it againft our Englifh
Peacockes, that painting themfelues with Church
Ipoiles, like mightie mens fepulchers, haue nothing
but Atheifme, fchifme, hypocrifie, and vainglorie
like rotten bones lie lurking within them. O how
my foule abhors thefe buckram giants, that hauing
an outward face of honor fet vpon them by flat-

132 PIERCE PENILE SSE.

terers & parafites, haue their inward thoughts ftuft
with ftraw and fethers, if they were narrowHe
fifted.

Farre be it, bright ftarres of Nobilitie, and
gUftring Attendaunts on the true Diana, that this
my fpeach fhould be anie way iniurious to your
glorious magnificence : for in you hue thofe fparkes
of Auguftus HberaUtie, that neuer fent any away
emptie : and Science feauenfold throne, welnigh
ruined by ryot and auarice, is mightely fupported
by your plentiful! larges, which makes Poets to
fing fuch goodlie Himnes of your praife, as no
enuious pofteritie may forget. But from generall
fame, let me digres to my priuate experience, and
with a tongue vnworthie to name a name of fuch
worthiness, affedionately emblazon to the eyes that
wonder, the matchles Image of Honor, & magnifi-
cent rewarder of vertue, hues eagle-borne Ganimed,
thrice noble Amintas. In whofe high fpirit, fuch a
Deitie of wifdome appeareth, that if Homer were to
write his Odyjfea new, (where, vnder the perfon of
Vlyjfes, hee defcribeth a fingular man of perfection,
in whome all ornaments both of peace / and war
are affembled in the height of their excelence) he
need no other inftance to augment his conceipt,
than the rare carriage of his honorable minde.
Many writers and good wits, are giuen to com-
mend their patrons and Benefadors, fome for

PIERCE PENILESSE. 133

prowefle, fome for policie, others for the glorie
of their Anceftrie and exceeding bountie and
liberalitie : but if my vnable pen fhould euer
enterprife fuch a continuate talke of praife, I
woulde embowell a number of thofe windpuft
bkdders^and disfurnifh their bald pates of the
perriwigs Poets haue lent them, that fo I might
reftore glorie to his right inheritance, and thefe
ftoln Titles to their true owners: which, if it
would fo fall out, (as time male worke all things)
the afpiring nettles, with their fhadie topes, fhal no
longer ouer-dreep the beft hearbs, or keep them
from the fmiling alpeft of the Sunn, that Hue &
thriue by comfortable beames. , None but Defert
Ihould fit in Fames grace, none but HeSior be
remembred in the chronicles of Prowefle, none
but thou, moft courteous Amyntas, b&-th£_{ecQnde^
muficall argument of the k night of the Red-crofle.

Oh decus atque avi gloria Jumma tut.

And heere (heauenly S fencer) I am mofl highlie
to accufe thee of forgetfulnes, that in that honour-
able Catalogue of our Englifh heroes, which infueth
the conclufion of thy famous Fairie Queene, thou
wouldfl let fo fpeciall a Piller of NobUitie pafle
vnfaluted. The verie thought of his farre deriued
difcent, and extraordinarie parts, wherewith hee
aftoineth the world, and drawes all hearts to his

134 PIERCE PENILESSE.

loue, woulde haue infpired thy forewearied Mufe
with new furie to proceede to the next triumphs of
thy ftatelie Goddefle : but as I, in fauor of fo rare
a fchoUer, fuppofe with this counfaile he refraind
his mention in this firft part, that hee might with
full faile proceede to his due commendations in the
fecond. Of this occafion long fince I happened to
frame a Sonnet, which, being wholie intended to
the reuerence of this renoumed Lord (to whom I
owe all the vtmofte powers of my loue and dutie)
I meant heere for variety of ftile to infert.

Peru / fing yefternight, with idle eyes.
The Fairy Singers ftately tuned verfe :
And viewing after.Xhag:jaens wonted guife.
What ftrange contents the title did rehearfe.
I ftreight leapt ouer to the latter end.
Where like the queint Comasdians of our time
That when their Play is doone do fall to ryme,
I found fhort lines, to fundry Nobles pend.
Whom he as fpeciall Mirrours fingled fourth.
To be the Patrons of his Poetry ;
I read them all, and reuerenc't their worth.
Yet wondred he left out thy memory.

But therefore geft I he fuppreft thy name,
Becaufe few words might not coprife thy fame.

Beare with me gentle Poet, though I conceiue
not aright of thy p'urpofe, or be too inquifitiue into

pierSe PENILESSE. 135

the intent of thy obliuion : for, how euer my con-
iedure may mifle the cufhion, yet-flialL_my ipeech
fauour of friendfliip, though it be not alied^ to
iudgementT

~~TMfim' hoc molior, in this (hort digreffipn, to
acquaint our countrymen, that liue out of the
Eccho of the Courte, with a common knowledge
of his inualuable vertues, and fliew my felfe thank-
full (in fome part) for benefits receiued: which
fince words may not counteruaile, that are the
vfual lip-labour of euerie idle difcourfer, I conclude
with that of Ouid :

Accipe per longos tibi qui de/eruiat annos,
Accife qui pur a novii amare fide.

And if my zeale and dutie (though all to meane
to pleafe) may by any induftry, be reformed to
your gratious liking, I fubmit the fimplicitie of my
endeuours to your feruice, which is all my per-
formance may profer, or my ability perfofme.

Prabeat Alcinoi poma benignus ager,

Officium pauper numeret ftudiumque fidemque.

And fo I breake off this endlefle argument ,of
fpeeche abruptlie.

FINIS.

APPENDIX NOTE.

Agreeably to promise in Note prefixed to ' Pierce Peni-
leffe ' (page 2), I place here the more noticeable ' faults '
of the Jhones edition, as it is represented in the late Mr. J.
Payne Collier's reproduction for the ' Shakespeare Society '
(1842). It would have been easy to have multiplied these
' faults ' — against which Nashe himself wrote vehemently — .
but those recorded may be accepted as at once fairly repre-
sentative and showing the advantage of taking for text the
Author's own edition of 1592.

Page 9, line 20, ' milder ' misprinted ' milde.'

20, ' whipt out ' misprinted ' whipt.'
z6, ' thinke you could ' (dropped).

' Earle ' misprinted ' carle. '

' Lady Swin-fnout' misprinted ' Ladie Manibetter.'

' a fcornfuU melancholy . . . courfe & . . . ' misprinted
' melancholike courfe in his gate and countenance.'

' vnthriftes ' misprinted ' outhrifts. '

'cafe' misprinted 'eafe.'

' finers ' misprinted ' finders.'

' a paire of flioos and a Canuas-dublet ' misprinted
' a fcholler bread and cheefe.'

' obiect ' misprinted ' abiect ' [but query ?].

' Raynard ' misprinted ' Raynold.'

' then a flab ' misprinted ' then the ftab.'

' thrumd ' misprinted ' thrumb. '
22, ' fluft ' misprinted ' puft.'

' Troynotiani' misprinted ' Troynonant.'

' furious ' misprinted ' furies. '

' furde ' misprinted ' furre. '

.. II,

ii

20,

>. 19.

ii

z6,

.. 26,

»>

26,

., 27,

)*

III

„ 28,

11

26,

,. 29,

1*

17.

.. 34.

)»

3.

.. 34,

))

7.

., 35.

j>

2,

,. 35.

»»

5.

.. 35.

»»

14.

,. 38,

»»

15.

.. 39,

»>

17.

„ 39.

))

22,

,. 45.

>»

4.

„ 45.

J»

12,

>, 45.

ii

16,

APPENDIX NOTE. ni

Page 46, line 27, 'guegawes' misprinted 'jymiams' (and a nonsensical
note on it).

,, 5°i '^s' 'ins> 'euery' misprinted 'anie.'

„ 57, line I, 'loft his mafter' misprinted 'ininnes after.'

J) 57> >) Si 'vaine' misprinted 'traine.'

» 57) >> 7) 'thofe' misprinted 'them.'

» 73) )) 8, 'eater' misprinted 'cater.'

)) 78) )) 3) ' from Gentlemen ' (dropped).

„ 83, „ 21, 'Proui[de]nce' misprinted 'Prouince' (in both).

1) 87, „ II, ' yt ' (dropped).

,, 88, „ 7, 'howfoeuer' misprinted 'howeuer.'

)) 89, ,, 15, 'immortalitie' misprinted 'immoralitie.'

)) 92) )i 17, 'Players' misprinted 'playes.'

,, 92, ,, 23, ' euer ' misprinted ' euen.'

,, loi, ,, II, ' PuUerie ' misprinted ' pulterie.'

)) 105, )i 3, ' impudencie ' misprinted ' impudence.'

,, 118, „ 21, 'vnreuerently' misprinted 'vnreuently.'

>) 125, ,, 5, 'illufions' misprinted 'allufions.'

,, 128, ,, 10, ' Inck-dropper' misprinted 'Jack-dropper.'

,, 128, „ II, 'nailes' misprinted 'vailes.'

., 128, ,, 13, 'difli-lickers' misprinted 'diflikers.'

,, 129, ,, 14, 'adiure' misprinted 'abjure.'

,, 129, ,, 21, 'fellon' misprinted 'fellow.'

„ 130, „ 25, ' Mneth ' misprinted ' fliines.'

,, 130, „ 25, 'becaufe all artifts for the moft part' misprinted

' becaufe the moft artifts.'

„ 131, „ 26, ' he ' (dropped).

,, 132, „ 16, 'that' misprinted 'of.'

On the other hand, it is due to the Jhones edition to
acknowledge several correct readings in single words as
against incorrect in our '92 text, e.g. 'fhape' for 'fliame'
(p. 19, 1. 24), 'this' for 'thus' (p. 30, 1. 17), 'yeomen' for
'yeoman' (p. 45, 1. 18), 'iuice' for 'iuftice' (p. 60, 1. 2).

A. B. G.

VII.

HARVEY-GREENE TRACTATES.

I. A WONDERFULL SxRANGE AND MlRACULOUS

ASTROLOGICALL PROGNOSTICATION,

ETC.

I59I-2.

NOTE.

For the ' Wonderful! Strange and Miraculous Aftrologicall Prognofti-
cation ' I am indebted to the Bodleian. See Memorial-Introduction —
Biographical, in Vol. I., and 'Critical' in Vol. IV. — on it, and other
related publications. — A. B. G.

^A Wonderfull

Jirange and miraculous^ AJlro-

logicall Prognoftication for

this yeer of our Lord God.

1591.

Difcouering fuch wonders to

happen this yeere, as neuer chaunced
fince Noes floud.

Wherein if there he found one lye,

the Author will loofe his credit

for euer.

By Adam Fouleweather, Student
in Afle-tronomy.

Imprinted at London by Thomas

Scarlet.

(iS9T.)

^ To the Readers health,

fitting Gentlemen vpon Douer cliiFes, to
quaint my felfe with the art of Naui-
gation, and knowe the courfe of the
Tides, as the Danfke Crowes gather on the Sandes
againft a ftorme : fo there appeared on the downs
fuch a flock of knaues, that by Afl:rological con-
iedures I began to gather, that this yeere would
proue intemperate by an extreme heat in Somer^
infomuch that the flones in Cheap fide fliould be
fo hot, that diuers perfons fhould feare to goe
from Poules to the Counter in the Poultrye :
whereupon I betook me to my Ephimerides, and
erefting a figure, haue found fuch ftrange accidents
to fall out this yeere. Mercury being Lord and
predominate in the houfe of Fortune, that many
fooles fliall haue full cofers, and wife men walke
vp and downe with empty purfl"es : that if lupiter
were not ioyned with him in a fauourable afpedb,
the Butchers / of Eafl:-cheape fhould doo little
or nothing all Lent but make prickes : feeing

144 TO THE READERS HEALTH.

therefore the wonders that are like to fall out
this prefetit yeere, I haue for the benefit of my
Countrymen taken in hand to make this Prog-
noftication, difcourfing breefelye of the Eclipfes
both of Sunne and Moone, with their dangerous
efFedes like to foUowe, which if God preuent not:
many poore men are like to faft on Sondaies for
want of food, and fuch as haue no fhooes to goe
barefoot, if certaine deuout Coblers proue not
the more curteous : but yet Aftrologie is not fo
certaine, but it may fayle: and therfore diuers
Hoftefles fhall chaulke more this yeere then their
Guefts wil wipe out: So that I conclude,
whatfoeuer is faide by art. Sapiens
dominabitur ajiris.

Your freend and Student in Afle-trologie.

Adam Fouleweather.f

v^

Of the Eclipfes

that fhall happen this prefent

yeere, to the great and fear-

full terrifying of the

beholders.

F we may credit the authenticall
cenfures of Albumazan and Ptolo-
mey, about the motions of celes-
tiall bodies, whofe influence dooth
exitat and procure continual! mu-
tability in the lower region : we fhal finde y the
Moon this yeere Ihall be eclipfed, which fhall
happen in one of y 12. moneths, & fome of the
foure / quarters of the yeere, whofe pointes as
they fhall be totallye darkened, fo the efFeftes
fhall be wondrous and flrange. For Cancer being
the fole houfe of the Moone, dooth prefage that
this yeere fruits fhall be greatly eaten with Cat-
terpillers : as Brokers, Farmers, and Flatterers,
N. IT. 10

146 A prognostication:

which feeding on the fweate of other mens browes,
ftiall greatlye hinder the beautye of the fpring,
and difparage the growth of all hotteft hearbes,
vnlefTe fome northerly winde of Gods vengace
cleere the trees of fuch Catterpillers, with a hotte
plague and the peftilence : but Cancer being a
watrie figne and cheefe gouernour of flouds and
ftreams, it foreflieweth that Fifhmongers if they
be not well lookt to, fliall goe downe as farre
as Graues end in Wherries and foreftall the
market, to the great preiudice of the poore, that
all Lent ground their fare on the benefit of Sake
filhe and red herring : befides it fignifieth that
Brewers fhal make hauocke of Theames water,
and put more liquour then they were accuftomed
amongft their Maulte : to the ouerthrowe of cer-
tain crafed Ale knights, whofe morning draughtes
of ftrong Beere is a great ftaye to their ftomacks :
a lamentable cafe if it be not lookt into and
preuented by fome fpeedye fupplication to the
woorfhipfull order of ale cunners. / But in this
we haue great hope that becaufe the eifedls cannot
furprife the caufe, diuers Tapfters fhall truft out
more then they can get in : and although they
fill their Pots but halfe full, yet for want of true
dealing die in the Brewers debt.

Thus much for the watry figne of Cancer, and
becaufe this Eclipfe is little vifible in our horifon.

A prognostication: 147

I parte it ouer with this prouifo to all feafaring
men, to cary more fhirts then one with them a
fliip boord, left to their great labor they fpend
many houres in murthering their vermin on the
hatches.

'The Eclipfe of the
Sunne.

' I "He Eclipfe of the Sun according to Proclus
-*- opinion is like to produce many hot and
peftilent infirmities, efpeciallie amongft Sumners
and Pettifoggers, whofe faces being combuft with
many fiery inflamatiues fhall fhew y dearth, that
by their deuout drinking is like to enfue of Barly,
if violent death take not away fuch cofuming
mault worms : diuers are like to be troubled with
fuch hotte rewmes in their heads, that their haire
ftiall fall off : and fuch hot agues fhall raigne this
yeere, witi ftrange feuers and calamaties, that / if
the Sunne were not placed in a colde figne, Renifh
wine would rife to ten pence a quarte before the
latter end of Auguft : but diuers good Planets
being retrog[r]ade, foretelleth that Lemmans this
yeere Ihalbe plenty, infomuch that many fhall vfe
them to bedward, for the quallifying of their hot
and inflamed ftomackes. And Mars being placed
neere vnto the Sunne fheweth that there fhalbe
a great death among people.: olde women that can

148 A PROGNOSTICATION.

Hue no longer ftiall dye for age: and yong men
that haue Vfurers to their father, fhal this yeer
haue great caufe to laugh, for the Deuill hath
made a decree, that after they are once in hell,
they fhall neuer rife againe to trouble their exe-
cutors: Befide that by all coniefturall argumentes
the influence of Mars fhall be fo violent, that
diuers fouldiers in partes beyond the feas, fhall fall
out for want of their paye, and hepre in our
meridionall clyme, great quarrelles fhall be raifed
between man and man, efpecially in cafes of Law :
gentry fhall goe checkmate with luftice, and coyne
out countenance ofttimes equitie : the poore fitting
on pennylefTe benche, fhall fell their Coates to
ftriue for a flrawe, and Lawyers laugh fuch fooles
to fcorne as cannot keep their crownes in their
purfTes.

Further, there is like to be great falling out
amongfl / Church men and certaine fond fefts of
religion like to trouble the commons : felfe con-
ceipters and ouer holy counterfeites that delight
in fingularitie, fhall rife vp and defpife authoritie,
prefuming euen to abufe the higher powers, if
Saturne with a frowning influence, did not threaten
them with Tibornes confequence. But whereas
the Sun is darkned but by digits, and that vpon
y fouth points, it prefageth great miferies to Spain
and thofe Southerly Countries : Friers and Monks

A PROGNOSTICATION. 149

fhal heat them fo this yeer with confeffing of
Harlots, that their crownes (hall wax balde of
the one accord, to the great impoueriftiing of the
Spanifh Barbers : Surgeons in Spain (hall wax
rich, and their Hofpitals poore : fuch a peftilent
mortallitie is like to fall amongft thofe hipocriticall
ma(remongers. The Dukes, Marque(res & Coun-
ties (hall haue their dublets clofed with fuch
Spani(h buttons, that they (hal neuer proue good
quirefters, for the hotte and inflamed rewmes fallen
down into their throats : It is further to be feared,
that becaufe the Eclipfe hapneth in lulye, there
will through the extrem heat grow fucSh abundace
of Fleas, that women fliall not goe to bed before
twelue a clocke at night, for the great murthers
and ftratagems they are like to commit vpon thofe
little animalls.

And whereas this Eclipfe falleth out at three
of the clocke in the afternoone, it fore(heweth that
manye (hall goe foberer into Tauernes then they
(hall come out : and that he which drinkes hard
and lyes cold, (hal neuer dye of the fweate, although
Gemini combuft and retrog[r]ade, (heweth that
fome (hall haue fo fore a fweating, that they may fell
their haire by the pound to (lu(Fe Tennice balles :
but if the Beadelles of Bridewell be careful! this
Summer, it may be hoped that Peticote lane may
be le(re peftered with ill aires then it was woont :

150 A PROGNOSTICATION.

and the houfes there fo cleere clenfed, that honeft
women may dwell there without any dread of the
whip and the carte : and I finde that the altitude
of that place and of Shordich are all one eteuatedj
and 2 degrees, and vnder the zenith or verticall
point of Venus, which prefageth that fundry forts
of men and women (hall be there refident : fome
fhalbe fo lliort heeld & fo quefie ftomackt that
they fhal ly in their beds while noon, by which
means they fhal grow fo ful of grofle humors,
that they fhalbe troubled with ftrange timpanies
& fwellings in their bellies, vncurable for fortye
weekes vntill they be helped by the aduice of fome
fkilfull Midwife.

Befides, other of the fame fex and faftion, /^ihall
learn to cofin young nouices, and fetch in young
Gentlemen, to the great ouerthrow of youth, if
fome fliarpe and fpeedye redrefle be not fetcht
from the woorftiipfuU Colledge of the Phifitians in
the parrifti of S. Brides. But heere by the waye
gentle Reader, note that this Eclipfe fheweth, that
this yeer fhall be fome ftrange birthes of Children
produced in fome monftrous forme, to the greefe
of the Parentes, and fearefuU fpectackle of the
beholders: but becaufe the Eclipfe chaunfeth
Southerlye, it is little to be feared that the efFeftes
ftiall fail in England : yet fomewhat it is to bee
doubted, that diuers Children fhall be borne, that

A PROGNOSTICATION. 151

when they come to age fliall not knowe their
owne Fathers: others fhall haue their fingers of
[t]he nature of Lyme twigges, to get moft parte of
their liuing with fiue and a reache : fome fhall be
born with feet like vnto Hares, that they fhal run
fo fwift, that they fhall neuer tarry with maifler,
but trudge from pofle to piller, till they take vp
beggars bufh for their lodging : Others fhall haue
Nofes like Swine, that there fhall not be a feaft
within a myle, but they fhall fmell it out: But
efpeciallye it is to be doubted, that diuers women
this yeere fhall bee borne with two tungs, to the
terrible greefe of fuch as fhall marry them,
vttering/in their furye fuch rough caft eloquence,
that knaue and flaue fhalbe but holyday woords
to their hufbands. And whereas this fearefull
Eclipfe dooth continue but an houre and a halfe,
it fignifieth that this yeere womens loue to their
hufbands fhall be very fhorte, fome fo momentarye,
that it fhall fcarfe continue from the Church doore
to the wedding houfe : and that Hennes, Capons,
Geefe, and other puUin fhall little haunt poore
mens tables, but flye awaye with fpittes in their
bellies to fatte Churlles houfes, that pamper them-
felues vp with delicates and dainties : although
very fewe other efFe6tes are to be prognoflicated,
yet let me giue this caueat to my Countrymen, as
a claufe to this wonderfull Eclipfe. Let fuch as

152 A PROGNOSTICATION.

haue clothes enow, keep themfelues warme from
taking of colde : and I would wifhe rich men all
this winter to fit by a good fire, and hardlye to
goe to bed without a Cuppe of Sack, and that
fo qualified with Suger, that they proue not rew-
matick : let them feede daintilye and take eafe
enough, and no doubt according to the iudgement
of Albumazar, they are like to liue as long as
they can, and not to dye one hower before their
time.

Thus much for this ftrange Eclipfe of the
Sunne,

I " ■■ ' II I II IT — n

^ Of I the fecond Eclipfe of the

Moone, which is like to fall out when

it chaunfeth either before the ^i. of

December or els not at all,

this prejent yeere.

1591.

nPHe fecond Eclipfe of the Moon ftialbe but
-■■ little feene in England, wherevpon the
effeftes fhall be nothing preiuditiall to our clyme:
yet as the bodye of the Moone is neuer obfcure
in part or in whole, but fome dangerous euents
doo followe : fo I meane to fet downe breefely
what is to be lookte for in thefe wefterne partes
of the worlde.

Firft therefore it is to bee feared, that the
Danes Ihall this yeere bee greatly giuen to
drincke, infomuch that Englifti Beere fhall there
be woorth fiue pence a ftoape, that their HofFes
and tappe houfes (hall be more frequented, then
the Parifhe Churches, and many fhall haue more
Spruce Beere in their bellies, then wit in their

154 ^ PROGNOSTICATION.

heads : wherevpon fhall / growe Apoplexies and
colde palfies in their legges, that they fliall diuers
times not bee able to ftand on their feete. Vpon
this fliall growe great commoditye to the Potters
and GlafTe makers, for it is like there fliall be a
great ouerthrowe of them, if there bee not 'bme
aft made for drinking in ulacke Jackes. But if
the weather prooue feafonable, and the Harueft
great, and the Barnes full of Corne: Rye is like
to be cheap in Denmarke, and bread to be of
a reafonable fize, for the releeuing of the poore.
Mary, Fraunce is like to haue a great dearth of
honeft men, if the king preuaile not againfl: thefe
mutenous Rebelles of the League, and Papifts
in diuers places to be plentye, if God or the
King rout them not out with a fliarpe ouer-
throw : But this hope we haue againft that
rafcall rabble of thofe fliauelings, that there was
found in an olde booke this Prophecie fpoken
about Jerufalem long fince by a Jew: The tree
that God hath not planted fliall be pulled vp
by the roots : fome curious Aftronomers of late
dayes that are more Propheticall then Juditiall,
affirme that Martin the kill-hog for his deuout
drincking (by the Pope canonized a Saint) fliall
rife againe in the apparell of a Minifter, and
tickle fome of the bafer forte with fuch lufl:y
humors in their braines, that / diuers felfe con-

A PROGNOSTICATION. 155

ceited fooles ftial become his difciples, and
grounding their witlefie opinion on an heriticall
foundation, ftiall feeke to ruinate authoritie, and
peruert all good orders eftablifhed in the Church,
to the great preiudice of vnity and religion,
tituling thefelues by the names of Martiniftes, as
the Donatifts grew from Donates: were it not
that the Moone being in Taurus, which gouernes
the neck and throat, Ihewes that the Squinancie
fhall raigne amongft them, and diuers for want
of breath dye of the ftrangling. Now for that
Capricornus is a figne wherein Luna is often
refident, it prognofticateth a great death amongft
hornde beafts. The Butchers fhall commit wilfuU
murther vpon Sheepe and Oxen, and diuers
Keepers kill ftore of Buckes, and referue no
other fees to their felues but the homes, info-
muche that if the Perfon of Horne-Church in
EfTex take not heede, there maye hap to prooue
this yeere fome Cuckoldes in his Parrifti.

But there is like to bee concluded by an ad
fet downe in Graues ende Barge, that hee that
wypes his Nofe and hath it not, fhall forfeite
his whole face, and that all fuch as are iealous
ouer their wiues without caufe, are worthie to
bee punifht with / the home plague for their
labour. And whereas this Eclipfe is farre from
the figne Pifces, it fhewes that there fhall bee

156 A PROGNOSTICATION.

much {linking fifh this yere at Billings gate, and
that Quinborowe oyfter boates fhall ofte times
Carrie knaues as wel as honeft men : but let the
Fifh-wiues take heed, for if moft of them proue
not fcoldes, yet becaufe Pifces is a figne that
gouernes the feete, they fhall weare out more
fhooes in Lent then in anie two months befide
through the whole yeere, and get their liuing
by walking and crying, becaufe they flaundered
Ram alley with fuch a tragical infamie. The
reft I conceale as friuolous, and little neceflarie
to be touched in this Prognoftication.

A declaration of the generall difpofttion of Jundrie
conceited qualities incident vnto mens mindes ^
natures throughout thefe foure quarters of the
yere, by the merrie influence of the Planets, with
fome other tragicall euents and obferuations worthie
the noting, contayned vnder each Jeperated reuo-
lution.

And firfi of the inclination of the
Winter quarter.

Winter / the firft Aftronomicall quarter of the
yeare, according to my vfuall account, whatfoever
Ptolomie fays, beginneth fooner with poore men
than with rich, graunted fo by the malignant
influence of Saturne, whofe conftellation is that
fuche as haue no money nor credit, fhall want

A PROGNOSTICATION. iS7

coles & woode, and be faine to ftand and ftarue
for colde, while olde pennifathers fit and waft
them felues by the fire. The winter beginning
at that inftant, when the Sunne makes his en-
traunce into the firft degree of Capricornus, that
Hiemall folftitiall figne fiiewes that by naturall
inclination this quarter is generally fleugmatike,
and that all Ihall be of fuche great authoritie, that
the Bakers Baflcet fliall giue the wall vnto the
Brewers Barrell, and a halfe pennye drie doe
homage vnto a halfe pennye wet. The weather
and feafon being fo colde that diuerfe for feare
of the froft fliall fit all daye at Tables and Cardes,
while their poore wiues and families faft at home
for their follies. And in refpect that I finde three
of the feauen Planetes to be in waterie fignes as
Juppiter, Mars, and the Moone, it fignifieth that
diuerfe perfons both men and women for want
of wine or ftrong drinke fliall goe to bedde fober
againft their willes. That Sea-faring men fliall
haue ill lucke if /either their fliippes hit agaynft
rockes or fticke in the fandes, that there fliall bee
fuch great hoarie froftes, that men and women
fliall creepe to bedde together, and fome of them
lie fo long till they bee fetchte out with a Bafon.
Heere Saturne retrograde in Gemini, fliewes that
there fliall this Winter fall fuch great fogs and
mifts, that diuerfe riche men fliall loofe their

158 A PROGNOSTICATION.

purfes by the high waie fide, and poore men be
fo weather beaten by the crafte of vfurers, that
they fhall begge their bread by the extremitie of
fuch extortion: but Mercuric and Venus beeing
congregated in Sagitarie, prognofticateth that for
want of faire weather, fuch as haue but one fhirt
fhall go woolward till that be a wafhing, and that
water-men that want fares fhall fit and blowe their
fingers till theyr fellowes row betwixte the old
Swanne and Weftminfler. And by reafon that
Mars that malignant Planet, hath nothing to doe
in that Hiemall reuolution, fouldiers this Winter
for the moft parte, fhall lie flill in garrifons, and
fhall not be troubled with more monie than is
neceffarie. Beeing alfo greatly to bee feared, that
through the extreame colde diuerfe poore men fhall
die at riche mennes doores : pittie fhall bee exiled,
good woorkes trufl ouer the fea with Jacke / a lent
and Hofpitalitie banifht as a figne of popifh reli-
gion: and were it not that fome moifl fhoures
fhal moderate the hardnes of the frofl, Charitie
fhould for want of houfe roome lie and freeze to
death in the flreets : diuerfe great ftormes are this
yere to be feared, efpecially in houfes where the
wiues weare the breeches, with fuch lowde windes,
that the women fhall fcolde their hufbandes quight
out of doores, wherevpon is like to fall great haile-
flones as bigge as ioynd flooles, that fome fhall

A PROGNOSTICATION. 159

haue their heads broken: and all through the
froward difpofition of Venus. But Mars comes
in and playes the man, who beeing placed in
Gemini, that gouerns armes and fhoulders, pre-
fageth that fundrie tall fellowes {hall take heart
at grafle, who armed with good cudgels, fhall
fo lambeake thefe ftubborne hufwiues, that the
wind fliall turne into another quarter, and fo the
weather waxe more calme and quiet. Such greate
floudes are like to infue, through this Hiemall
diftemperature, that diuerfe men fhall be drowned
on drie hilles, and Mie if they could not fwimme,
were vtterly like to perifh. Eeles are like to bee
deere if there bee few or none taken, and plentie
of poutes to bee had in all places, efpeciallie in
thofe coaftes and Countries where weomen haue /
not their owne willes. Nowe Gentle Reader
in refpect of diuerfe particular circumftances^
drawne from the daily motions, progreffions,
ftations, retrogradations, alpefts, and other ap-
pointmentes of fixed and wandring ftars, I am
induced to fet downe that fuch as haue no fire,
fhall feele moft cold, and that wierdrawers, if they
plye not their worke, fhall feele no great heate,
that they in Ruffia fhall fufFer mpre preiudice by
the fharpenefTe of Winter than the Spaniards : and
yet one thing is to bee hoped for at the handes
of Mercurie, that this winter mony fhall haue

i6o A PROGNOSTICATION.

a fall, for Philip and Mary /hillings that hereto-
fore went for r i.d. fliaJl now pafTe from man to
man for 6.d. a peece.

The diftemperance of this quarter, is like to
breede many fickenefles and fundrie difeafes as
well in young as in old, proceeding either of
corrupt and vicious bloud or of fuperabundance
of crude and raw fleugmatike humors. As Cepha-
lagies or paines in the head, which fhall make men
dizzy that fome (hal ftagger & ftumble vp &
downe the ftreetes till they haue ftolne a nappe
to quiet their braines. Ach in the ihoulders fhal
raine amongeft diuerfe women that haue fhrewes
to their hufbands, and diuerfe drunken men fliall
be peftured with furfets. Maidens this winter
fhall haue ftrange flitches & gripings / of the
coUicke, which difeafes proceed by too much
lying vpright : and men fhall be troubled with
fuch paine in the eies, that they fhall not know
their owne wiues from other women, with coughs,
rumes, and itchings, which I omit.

Of the Spring time.

Winter being finifhed with the lafl grade of
the watry figne Pifces, at the Suns ioyful progrefle
into the firfl degree of Aries. The fecond quarter
of our vfuall yere commonly called the fpring
c5meth next, which beginneth when grafTe begins

A PR GNOSTIC A TION. 1 6 1

to fproute, & trees to bud. But to treat of this
prefent feafon, forafmuch as I find the planets to
be contradidorily difpofed, in figns & manfios of
diuerfe & repugnant quahties, I gather that this
fpring will be very il for fchoUers, for they fhal
ftudie much and gain litle, they fhall haue more
wit in their heads then money in their purfes,
dunces ftial proue more welthie then diuers
dodlors, infomuch that fundrie vnlettered fooles
ftiould creep into the minifterie, if the prouident
care of good Biihops did not preuent the. And
by the opinion of Proclus, women are like to
grow wilful, & fo variable, that they fhall laugh
& weepe, and all with a winde : Butchers fhal
fell / their meate as deare as they can, and if they
be not carefuU, home beaftes fhall bee hurtfull
vnto them, and fome (hall bee fo wedded to
fwines flelh, that they fhal neuer be without a
fowe in their houfe as long as they Hue. This
fpring, or vernall refolution being naturally hot
and moifl, is like to be verie forwarde for
fprouting fieldes and blooming trees, and becaufe
Saturne is in his proper manfion, olde men are
like to bee froward, and craftie knaues fhall
neede no Brokers, vfurie fhalbe called good
hufbandrie, and men fhalbe counted honeft by
their wealth, not by their vertues. And becaufe
Aquarius has fomthing to do w this quarter, it

N. II. II

1 62 A PROGNOSTICATION.

is to be doubted that diuers fprings of water will
rife vp in vintners fellers, to the great weakning
of their Gafcon wine, & the vtter ruine of the
ancient order of the redde nofes. March Beere
flialbe more efteemed than fmall Ale.

Out of the old ftocke of herefie, this fpring
it is to be feared, will bloome new fcifmaticall
opinions and ftrange feds, as Brownifts, Barowifts,
& fudh baldu6tum deuifes, to the great hinderance
of the vnitie of the Church, & confufion of the
true faith, if the learned doftor fir T. Tiburne
be not taflcte to confute fuch vpftart companions,
with his plain & dunftable philofophie. Cancer
is bu / fie in this fpringtide, and therefore it is like
that florifhing bloom es of yong gentlemens youth,
flialbe greatly anoide with caterpillers, who fliall
intangle them in fuch ftatutes & recognances, that
they fliall crie out againft brokers, as Jeremy did
againft falfe prophets. Befides, thogh this laft
winter nipt vp diuers mafterles men & cut purfes,
yet this fpring is like to afford one euery tearme
this ten yere in Weftminfter hall : Barbers if they
haue no worke are like to grow poore, and for
that Mercury is cobuft and many quarelles like
to growe amongft men, lawiers fliall proue rich
& weare fide gowns and large confciences, hauing
theyr mouths open to call for fees, and theyr
purfes fliut when they flioulde beftowe almes.

A PROGNOSTICATION. 163

But take heed O you generation of wicked
Oftlers, that fteale haie in the night from gentle-
mens horfes, and rub their teth with tallow, that
they may eate little when they ftand at liuery,
this I prognofticate againft you, that this fpring,
which fo euer of you dies, fhall leaue a knaues
carcafTe in the graue behind him, and that they
which Hue fhall hop a harlot in his clothes all
the yere after. But aboue all let me not hide
this fecret from my countrymen, that Jupiter
being in afpedt with Luna, difcouereth that diuers
men {hal drinke more the they bleed, & / Tailers
fhall fleale nothing but what is brought vnto
them, that poulters fhall bee peftered with rotten
egs, & Butchers dogs make libels againft Lent,
that afFoordes no foode but herring cobs for their
diet.

Difeafes incident to this quarter, as by Aflro-
logicall & philofophicall coniectures I can gather,
are thefe following: Prentifes that haue ben
fore beaten, fhall be troubled with ach in their
armes, and it fhall be ill for fuch as haue fore
eies, to looke againft the Sun. The plague fhall
raigne mortally amongft poore men, that diuerfe
of them ftial not be able to change a man a
groate. Olde women that haue taken great
colde, may perhaps be trobled with the cough,
and fuch as haue paine m their teeth, fhall bee

i64 A PROGNOSTICATION.

grieuouflie troubled with the tooth ach. Befide,
ficke folke fhall haue worfe ftomackes then they
which be whole, and men that cannot fleepe, fhall
take verie little reft : with other accidentall infir-
mities, which I doe ouerpafle.

A declaration of the difpojition and in-
clination of the Summer quarter.

When the Sunne hath made his courfe through
the vernal figns, Aries, Taurus & Gemini at his
pafTage vnto the folfticiall eftiuall figne Cancer.
The third parte of an Englifti yeere called Summer,
taketh his beginning this yere: as Ptolomie fayth,
the twelfth of lune, but as my fkill doth con-
iedture, it beginneth when the wether waxeth fo
hot, that beggers fcorne barnes and lie in the
field for heate and the wormes of Saint Pancredge
Church build their bowers vnder the ftiadow of
Colman hedge. The predominant qualities of this
quarter is heate and drynefle, whereby I doe
gather, that through the influence of Cancer,
bottle Ale fhall be in great authoritie, and wheat
fhall doe knightes feruice vnto make. Tapfters
this quarter fhall be in greater credite than
Coblers, and many fhall drinke more then they
can yearne. And yet becaufe Mercurie is a figne
that is nowe predominant, women fhall be more
troubled with fleas then men, and fuch as want

A PROGNOSTICATION. 165

meate fliall goe fupperlefle to bedde. Befides, this
quarter great hurlie burlies are like to bee feared,
and greate ftratagems like to bee performed,
thorough the oppofition of Mars and Saturne :
for Butchers are like to make great hauocke
amongeft flies, and beggers on Sunne fhine dayes
to commit great murthers vpon their rebellious
vermine, and the knights of Copperfmiths hap
to / doo great deedes of armes vpon Cuppes,
Cannes, pots, glafles, and black lacks : not ceafing
the flcirmifh til they are able to ftand on their
legges.

Further it is to bee doubted, that becaufe Venus
is in the houfe of Loue, that Millers, Weauers,
and Taylors fhall be counted as theeuifhe as they
are knauifhe : and Maides this quarter fhall make
fiUyebubbes for their Louers, till fome of them
Calue with the Cowe for companye. But lupiter
in his exaltation prefageth, that diuers young
Gentlemen fhall creepe further into the Mercers
Booke in a Moneth, then they can get out in a
yere : and that fundry fellowes in their filkes fliall
be appointed to keep Duke Humfrye company in
Poules, becaufe they know not wher to get their
dinner abroad : if there be great plenty of Cherries
this Summer, they are like to come to a penny the
pound, and Cofl:ardmongers this Summer fliall be
licenft by the Wardens of their hall, to weare and

i66 A PROGNOSTICATION.

carry bafkets of Apples on their heads to keepe
them from the heat of the Sun. But Libra aduft
and retrograde, foretelleth that there is like to be
a league between diuers bakers & the pillorye, for
making their bread fo light, and the Sun fhall be
fo hotte, that it fhall melt awaye the confciences
of diuers couetous men, and that / by the meanes
of Venus which is in the houfe of Scorpion, women
fhall bee fo loue ficke, that Sumners and ciuil
lawiers fhall haue . great fees thorough the aboun-
dance of fuch finfull clients, and diuerfe fpirites in
white fheetes fhall ftand in Poules and other
Churches, to make their confeflions. But this by
the waie learne of me, fhomakers fhall proue fo
proud, that they fhall refufe the name of fouters,
and the Tailer and the loufe are like to fall at
martiall variance, were it not the worfhipfull
company of the Botchers haue fet downe this
order, that he that lies in his bed while his clothes
be mending, neede not haue a man to keepe his
wardroppe. But amongfl all, the Smithes haue
put vp a fupplication to the Alecunners, that he
which goes dronke to bed, and as foone as hee
wakes dares not caroufe a hartie draught the
next morning, fhall drinke two dales together
fmall Ale for his penance.

This variable feafon is like to bring variable
accidents, for diuerfe difeafes whjch will much

A PROGNOSTICATION. 167

moleft the people, namely the plurifies which fliall
grieue many, that they fliall haue farre more
knauerie than they haue honeftie, diuerfe fluxes,
and elpeciallie in poore mens purfes, for they flaall
bee fo laxatiue, that money fliall runne out fafter
then /they can get it. The fmall pockes among
children and great amongft men, infirmities in the
tong, fome fliall doe nothing but lie with others,
which I let pas.

A declaration of the inclination and dij-

pojition of the Autumnall or har-

ueft quarter.

Harueft and the laft quarter of this yeere
beginneth, as I coniedure, when corne is ripe.
But for the nature of this autumnall reuolution,
becaufe it beginneth in Libra I gather there fliall
he more holes open this quarter then in all the
yeere befide, and ftrange euents fliall chanccj
for knaues fliall weare fmockes, and women fliall
haue holes in their heartes, that as faft as loue
creepes in at one, it fliall runne out at another.
Yet Leo being a firie figne, foreflieweth that
diuerfe men fliall haue their teeth longer then their
beards, and fome flial be fo Sun burnt with fitting
in the Alehouse, that their nofes fliall bee able to
light a candle. Others fliall for want of money
paune their clokes, and march mannerly in theyr

1 68 A PROGNOSTICATION.

doublet and their hofe. And fome fhall this yere
haue barnes and yet want corn to put in them.
Rie this yeere fhall bee common in / England, and
knaues fhall be licenfl to fel it by the pound, and
he that wil not this quarter fpend a pennie with
his friende, by the counfayle of Albumazar, fhall
bee thrufl: quite out of all good companie for his
labour.

It may be doubted that fome flraunge ficknefTe
and vnknowen difeafes wil happen, as hollownefTe
of the heart, that a man fhall not know a knaue
from an honefl man, and vncouth confumptions of
the lyuer, that diuerfe men of good wealth fhall by
their kinde hearts fpend all and die banquerouts :
fome fhal be troubled with difeafes in the throate,
which cannot bee helpte without Bull the hang
man plaie the fkilfuU Chyrurgion. Amongeft the
reft, many that haue faire wiues fhalbe troubled
with greate fwelling in the browes, a difeafe as
incurable as the goute. Some fhall bee troubled
with the ftone, and feeke to cunning women to
cure them of that difeafe, an infirmitie eafilie
amended, and the doftors of Bridewell did not
punifh fuch women Phifitians by a Statute. But
the greatefl difeafe that is to bee feared, is the
Cataphalufie, that is to faie, good fellowes this
yeere for want of money fhall oft times be
contented to part companie.

A PROGNOSTICATION. 169

And / thus (gentle reader) thou haft my pro-
gnoftication, gathered by arte, and confir-
med by experience, and therefore take it
in good worth, for ^od gra-
tis grate, and fo
farewell.

FINIS.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

VIII.

HARVEY-GREENE TRACTATES,

II. Strange Newes, etc.
1593-

♦ ♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

NOTE.

Mr. J. Payne Collier's reprint of "Strange Newes" (1592-3) swarms
with errors. His Copyist must have served him unusually badly. Our
exemplar is from the Huth Library : 45 leaves unpaged, A 2 — M 2. — G.

Strange Newes,

Of the intercept-

ing certaine Letters, and a Con-

uoy of Verfes, as they were going Priuilie to
vidluall the Low Countries.

Vnda impellitur vnda.

By 'Tho. Na/he, Gentleman.

Printed at London by lohn Banter, dwelling in

Hofier-Lane neere Holburne

Conduit, 1593.

To the moft copious Carminift
of our time, and famous perfecutor. of Prifcian his
verie friend Maifter Apis lapis : 'Tho. Najh wifh-
eth new ftrings to his old tawnie Purfe, and
all honourable increafe of acquain-
tance in the Cellar.

\EN'TLE M. William, that learned writer
Rhenifh wine & Sugar, in the firft booke
of his Comment vpon Red-nofes, hath this
faying : veterem ferendo iniuriam inuitas nouam,
which is as much in Englijh, as one Cuppe of nipi-
iaty puis on another. In moyfi confideration whereof,
as alfo in zealous regard of that high countenance
you fhew vnto Schollers, I am bolde, in fteade of new
wine, to carowfe to you a cuppe of newes : which if
your worfhip {according to your wonted Chaucerifme)
fhall accept in good part. He be your daily Orator
to pray, that that pure f anguine complexion of yours
may neuer be famifht with potte-lucke, that you may
tajl till your lajl gafpe, and Hue to fee the confufion

176 THE EPIS2LE DEDICA TOR Y.

of both your Jfec'iall enemies. Small Beere and Cram-
mer rules.

It is not vnknowne to report, what a famous ■potle-
pot Patron you haue beene to olde Poets in your daies,
6f how many pounds you haue /pent (and, as it were,
throwne into the fire) vpon the durt of wifedome
called Alcumie : Tea, / you are fuch an infinite
Mecasnas to learned men, that there is not that
morfell of meat they can carue you, but you will eate
for their Jakes, and accept very thankefully. Thinke
not, though vnder correction of your boone-companion-
fhip, I am dijpofd to be a little pleafant, I condemne
you of anie immoderation either in eating or drinking,
for I know your gouernement and carriage to bee euery
way Canonicall. Verilie, verilie, all poore Schollers
acknowledge you as their patron, prouiditore, and
Jupporter, for there cannot a threedbare Cloakefooner
peepe forth, but you firait prejfe it to bee an out-
brother of your bountie : three decaied Students you
kept attending vpon you a long time.

Shall I ■prefume to dilate of the grauitie of your
round cap, and your dudgion dagger? It is thought
they wil make you be cald vpon fhortly to bee Alder-
man of the Stilliard. And thats well remembred :
I heard Jaie, when this lafl Terme was remoued to
Hartford, you fell into a greate fludie and care by
your felfe, to what place the Stilliard fhould be re-
mooued. I promije you truelie it was a deepe medi-

THE EPISTLE DEDICA TOR F. 177

tation^ 13 Juch as might well haue bejeemed Eldertons
parliament of nofes to haue fit vpon:

A tauerne in London, onelie vpon the motion,
mourned al in blacke, and for bare to girt hir temples
with iuie, becaufe the grandame of good fellowfhip
was like to depart from among them. And I wonder
verie much, that jyoa. fampfownd not your Jelfe into
a confumption vnth the profound cogitation of it.

Diu viuas in amore iocisque, whatfoeuer you

do, beware of keeping diet. Sloth is afinne, and one

fmne (as one poijon) muft be expelled with another.

What can he doe better that hath nothing to do, than

fal a drinking to keep him jfrom idlenejfe ?

Fah, me thinks my ieajis begin alreadie to Jmell
of the cafke, with talking Jo much of this liquid
prouinder.

In earnefi thus ; There is a Dodor and his Fart
that haue kept a foule fiinking fiirre in Paules
Churchyard ; I crie him mercie, I flaundred him,
he is fcarfe a DoStor till he hath done his A5ls :
this dodipoule, this didopfer, this profejfed poetical
braggart hath raild vpon me, without wit or art,
in certaine foure penniworth of Letters and three
farthing-worth of Sonnets ; nor do I means to prejent
him and Shakerley ta the Qjueens foole- taker for
coatch-horjes : for two that draw more equallie in
one Oratoriall yoke of vaine-glorie, there is not vnder
heauen.

N. II. 12

178 THE EPISTLE DRDICA TOR Y.

What faie you, Maifter Apis lapis, will you with
your eloquence and credit /hield me from carpers ?
Haue you anie odde Jhreds of Latine to make this
letter-munger a cockf combe of?

It fiands you in hande to arme your felfe againft
him ; for he /peaks againft Connicatchers, and you
are a Connicatcher, as Connicatching is diuided
into three partSy the Verfer, the Setter, and the
Barnacle.

A Setter I am Jure you are not ; for you are no
Mufitian : nor a Barnacle ; for you neuer were of
the order of the Barnardines : but the Verfer / can-
not acquite you of, for M. Vaux of Lambeth brings
in fore euidence of a breakefaft you wonne of him one
morning at an vnlawful game cald riming. What
lies not in you to amend, plaie the Do6tor and
defend.

A fellow that I am to talke with by and by, being
told that his Father was a Rope-maker, excufed the
matter after this fort ; And hath neuer faint had
reprobate to his Father ? They are his owne wordes,
hee cannot goe from / them. You fee heere hee makes
a Reprobate and a Ropemaker voces conuertibiles.
Go too, take example by him to wafh out durt with
inke, and run vp to the knees in the channell, if you
bee once wetfhod. You are amongft graue Dolors,
and men of iudgement in both Lawes euery daie : I
pray, ajke them the queftion in my abjence, whether

THE EPISTLE DEDICA TOR Y. 179

Juch a man as I haue deJcriVd this Epiftler to be,
one that hath a good handjome pickerdeuant, and a
■prettie leg to Jiudie the Ciuill Law with, that hath
made many proper rimes of the olde cut in his dales,
and de/erued infinitely of the flate by extolling him-
Jelfe and his two brothers in euerie booke he writes :
whether (Ifaie)Juch a famous piller of the Prejfe,
now in the fourteenth or fifteenth yeare of the raigne
of his Rhetorike, giuing mony to haue this his
illiterat Pamphlet of Letters printed (whereas others
haue monie giuen them tojuffer themfelues to come in
Print) it is not to bee counted as flat fimonie, and be
liable to one and the fame penaltie ?

[ tell you, I meane to trounce him after twentie in
the hundred, and haue a bout with him with two
fiaues and a pike for this geare.

If he get any thing by the bargaine, lette whatjo-
euer I write henceforward bee condemned to wrappe
humbaft in.

Carouje to me good lucke, for I am rejolutely bent ;
the beft bloud of the brothers fhall pledge me in vineger.
O would thou hadft a quaffing boule, which, like
Gawens Jcull, fhould containe a pecke, that thou
mightft fwappe off a hartie draught to the fucceffe of
this voiage.

By whatfoeuer thy vifage holdeth moft pretious I
befeech thee, by lohn Dauiesyoa/?, and the blew Bore
in the Spittle, T coniure thee, to draw out thy purfe.

1 80 THE EPISTLE DEDICA TOR Y.

and giue me nothing I for the dedication of my Pam-
phlet.

'Thou art a good fellow T know, and hadji rather
fpend ieafts than monie. Let it be the tafke of thy
beft tearmes, to fafeconduSi this booke through the
enemies countrey.

Proceede to cherifh thy furpajjing carminicall arte
of memorie with full cuppes (as thou dofi): let
Chaucer bee new fcourd againfl the day of battdile,
and Terence come but in nowe and then with the
Jnuffe of a fentence, and Diftum puta, Weele flrike
it as dead as a doore naile ; Haud teruntii eftimo.
We haue cattes meate and dogges meate inough for
thefe mungrels. Howeuer I write merrilie, I hue
and admire thy pleafant wittie humor, which no care
or crojfe can make vnconuerjable; Stil bee conftant
to thy content, hue poetry, hate pedantifme. Vade,
vale, caue ne titubes, mandataq ; frangas.

Thine intirely,

Tho. Nafhe. /

To the Gentlemen Readers.

JENTLEMEN, the ftrong fayth you
haue conceiu'd, that I would do
workes of fupererrogation in anfwer-
ing the Doftor, hath made mee to brealce my
daye with other important bufines I had, and
ftand darting of quils a while like the Porpentine.

I know there want not welwillers to my dis-
grace, who fay my onely Mufe is contention ; and
other, that with 'Tiberius Cafar pretending to fee
in the darke, talke of ftrange obiedes by them
difcouered in the night, when in truth they are
nothing elfe but the glimmering of their eies.

I will not holde the candle to the Deuill,
vnmaflce my holiday Mufe to enuie; but if any
fuch deepe infighted detradter will challenge mee
to whatfoeuer quiet aduenture of Art, wherein he
thinkes mee leaft conuerfant, hee fhall finde that
I am Tam Mercurio qmm Marti, a SchoUer in
fome thing elfe but contention.

If idle wittes will needes tye knottes on fmooth
bulrulhes with their tongues, faith, the worlde

i82 TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS.

might thinke I had little to attend, if I fliould
goe about to vnloofe them with my penne.

I / cannot tell how it comes to pafTe, but in
thefe ill eide dales of ours, euery man delights
with Ixion to beget children of clouds, digge for
Pearles in dunghils, and wreft oyle out of iron.

Poore Tierce PennileJJe haue they turnd to a
coniuring booke, for there is not that line in it,
with which they doo not feeke to raife vp a
Ghoft, and, like the hog that conuerts the fixth
part of his meate into briftels, fo haue they
conuerted fixe parts of my booke into bitternes,

Aretine, in a Commedie of his, wittily com-
plaineth that vpftart Commenters, with their
Annotations and glofes, had extorted that fenfe
and Morall out of Petrarch, which if Petrarch
were aliue, a hundred Strappadoes might not make
him confefle or fubfcribe too ; So may I complaine
that rafh heads, vpftart Interpreters, haue extorted
& rakte that vnreuerent meaning out of my lines,
which a thoufand deaths cannot make mee ere
grant that I dreamd off.

To them that are abufed by their owne iealous
colleftions, and no determined trefpafle of mine,
this aduice, by the way of example, will I giue.

One comming to Doftour Perm on a time,
and telling him that hee was miferably raild on
fuch a day in a Sermon in Saint Maries in Cam-

TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS. 183

bridge, I but quoth he, (in his puling manner
of fpeaking) did he name me, did he name me ?
I warrant you, goe and afke him, and hee will
fay he meant not mee; So they that are vn-
groundedly offended at any thing in Pierce Pen-
nilejfe, firfl: let them looke if I did name them ;
if not, but the matter hangeth in fufpence, let
them fend to- mee for my expofition, and not buy
it at the feconde hand, and I doe not doubt but
they will be throughly fatisfied.

Hee / that wraps himfelfe in earth, like the
Foxe, to catch birds, may haps haue a heauy
cart go ofier him before he be aware, and breake
his backe.

A number of Apes may get the glowworme
in the night and thinke to kindle fire with it,
becaufe it gliflers fo, but, God wote, they are
beguiled, it proues in the end to be but fools
fire : the poore worme alone with their blowing
warmed, they ftarud for colde whiles their wood
is vntoucht. Who but a Foppe wil labour to
anatomize a Flye? Fables were free for any
bondman to fpeake in old time, as JE/ope for an
inftance : their allufion was not reftrained to any
particular humor of fpite, but generally applyed
to a generall vice. Now a man may not talke of
a dog, but it is furmifed he aimes at him that
giueth the dog in his Creft : hee cannot name

a 84 TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS.

ftraw, but hee muft plucke a wheate fheaffe in
pieces, Intelligendo faciunt vt nihil intelligant.

What euer they be that thus perfecute Art
(as the Alcumifts are faid to perfecute Nature) I
would wifli them to abate the edge of their wit,
and not grinde their colours fo harde: hauing
founde that which is blacke, let them not, with
our forenamed Gold-falfifiers, feeke for a fubftance
that is blacker than black, or angle for frogs in
a cleare fountaine.

From the. admonition of thefe vncurteous mis-
confterers, I come to 'The kilcow champion of the
three brethren; he forfooth wil be the firft that
fhal giue Pierce Penilejfe a non placet.

It is not inough that hee bepift his credite,
about twelue yeeres ago, with Three proper and
wittie familiar letters, but ftill he muft be running
on the letter, and abufing the Queenes Englifh
without pittie or mercie.

Bee / it knowne vnto you (Chriftian Readers)
this man is a foreftaller of the market of fame,
an ingrofler of glorie, a mountebancke of ftrange
wordes, a meere marchant of babies and conny-
fkins.

Hold vp thy hand, G. H., thou art heere
indited for an incrocher vpon the fee-fimple of
the Latin, an enemie to Carriers, as one that takes
their occupation out of their hands, and doft

TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS. i8s

nothing but tranfport letters vp and downe in
thy owne commendation, a confpiratour and prac-
tifer to make Printers rich, by making thyfelfe
ridiculous, a manifeft briber of Bookefellers and
Stationers, to helpe thee to fell away thy bookes
(whofe impreffion thou paidft for) that thou mayft
haue money to .goe home to Trinitie Hall to
difcharge thy commons.

I fay no more but Lord haue mercie vpon
thee, for thou art falne into his hands that will
plague thee.

Gentlemen, will you be inftrudted in the quarrell
that hath caufd him lay about him with his penne
and incke home fo couragioufly } About two yeeres
fince (a fatall time to familiar Epiftles) a certayne'
Theolpgicall gimpanado, a demie diuine, no higher
than a Tailors preflirig iron, brother to this huge
booke-beare, that writes himfelfe One of the
Emperour luftinians Courtiers^ tooke vppon him
to fet his foote to mine, and ouer crow mee with
comparatiue tearmes. I proteft I neuer turnd vp
any cowfheard to looke for this fcarabe flye. I
had no conceit as then of difcouering a breed of
fooles in the three brothers bookes : marry, when
I beheld ordinance planted on edge of the pulpit
againfb me, & that there was no remedy but the
blind Vicar would needs let flie at me with his
Churchdore keies, & curfe me with bel, book and

i86' TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS.

candle, becaufe in my Alphabet of Idiots I had
ouer / fkipt the Hs, what could I doe but draw
vppon him with my penne, and defende my felfe
with it and a paper buckler as well as I might.

Say, I am as verie a Turke as hee that three
yeeres ago ranne vpon ropes, if euer I fpeld eyther
his or anie of his kindreds name in reproch, before
hee barkt againft mee as one of the enemies of
the Lambe of God, and fetcht allufions out of
the Buttery to debafe mee.

Heere beginneth the fray. I vpbraid godly
predication with his wicked conuerfation, I fquirt
inke into his decayed eyes with iniquitie to mend
their difeafed fight, that they may a little better
defcend into my fchoUerfhip and learning. The
Ecclefiafticall duns, inftead of recouery, Avaxeth ■
ftarke blind thereby (as a preferuative to fome,
is poyfon to others) : hee gets an olde Fencer,
his brother, to be reuenged on me for my Phificke;
who, flourifhing about my eares with his two
hand fworde of Oratory and Poetry, peraduenture
fhakes fome of the ruft of it on my fhoulders,
but otherwife ftrikes mee not but with the
ihadowe of it, which is no more than a flappe
with the falfe fcabberd of contumelie: whether am
I in this cafe to arme my felfe againft his intent of
iniurie, or fitte ftill with my finger in my mouth,
in hope to bee one of fimplicities martyrs .''

TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS. 187

A queft of honorable minded Caualiers go
vppon it, and if they fhall find by the Law of
armes or of ale, that I, beeing firft prouokt, am
to bee inioynde to the peace, or be fworne true
feruant to cowardize & patience, when wrong
prefleth mee to the warres ; then will I bind my
felfe prentife to a Cobler, and frefh vnderlay all
thofe writings of mine that haue trodde awrie.

Be / aduertifed (gentle audience) that the Do5tors
proceedings haue thruft vpon mee this fowterly
Metaphor, who, firft contriuing his confutation in
a ftiort Pamphlet of fix leaues, like a paire of
fummer pumps : afterward (winter growing on)
clapt a paire of double foales on it like a good
hufband, added eight fheets more, and prickt thofe
fheets or foales, as full of the hob-nayles of repre-
fion as they could fticke.

It is not thofe his new clowted ftartops iwis,
that fhall carry him out of the durt.

Sweet Gentlemen, be but indifferent, and you

fhal fee me defperate. Heere lies my hatte, and

there my cloake, to which I referable my two

Epiftles, being the vpper garments of my booke,

as the other of my body : Saint Fame

for mee, and thus I runne

vpon him.

Tho. Na/he. I

The foure Letters Confuted.

ABRIEL, and not onely Gabriel, but
Gabrielijftme Gabriel, no Angell but
Angelos, id eft, Nuntius, a Fawne-
gueft Meflenger twixt Maifter Bird
and Maifter Demetrius : Behold,
here ftands he that will make it good, on thy
foure Letters bodie, that thou art a filthy vaine
foole. Thy booke I commend; as very well
printed: and like wondrous well, becaufe all men
diflike it.

I agree with thee that there are in it Jome
matters of note, for there are a great many bare-
fopte rimes in it, that goe as iumpe as a Fiddle,
with euery ballet-makers note : and if according
to their manner, you had tun'd them ouer the
head, it had beene nere the worfe, for by that
meanes you might haue had your name chaunted
in euery corner of the ftreete, then the which
there can be nothing more melodioujlie addoulce to

T 90 FO URE LETTERS

your deuine Entelechy. O they would haue trowld
off brauely to the tune of O man in Defperation,
and, like Marenzos Madrigals, the mournefull
note naturally haue afFedted the miferable Dittie.
Doe you knowe your owne mifbegotten bodgery
Entelechy / and addoulce ? With thefe two Her-
mophrodite phrafes, being halfe Latin and halfe
Englifh, haft thou puld out the very guts of the
inkehorne.

LETTERS.

'To allcurteous mindes that will vouchjafe the reading.
Comment.
In their abfence, this be deliuered to Megge
Curtis in Shorditch, to ftop muftard pots with.

the particular Contents.

L. A Preface to courteous mindes.

C. As much to fay as Proface, much good do it
you, would it were better for you.

L. A Letter to M. Emanuel Demetrius, with a
fonnet thereto annexed.

C. That is, as it were a purgation vpon a vomit,
buflcins vpon pantophles.

L. A Letter to M. Bird.

C. Or little matter wrapt vp in many words.

L. A Letter to euerie fauoraUe and indifferent
Reader.

CONFUTED. 191

C. Id eft. An exhortation to all Readers, that
they ftiall reade nothing but his works.

L. Another letter to the fame, extorted after the
reft.

C. By interpretation, a Letter whereof his in-
uention had a hard ftoole, and yet it was for his
eafe, though not for his honeftie : and fo forth, as
the Text fhall direct you at large.

Heere / beginneth the firft Epiftle and firft
Booke of Orator Gabriell to the Catilinaries
or Philippicks.
Wherein is diuulged that venum is venum and will
infeSly that that which is done cannot (de fafto)
be vndone, that fauour is a curteous
Reader, and G. H. your thank-
full dehter.

A Comment vpon the text.

The learned Orator in this Epiftle taketh precife
order he will not be too eloquent, and yet it fliall
be (i) «J well for enditing vnworthie to be publifhed,
as for publifhing vnworthie to be endited.

C. He had many aduerfaries in thofe times that
he wrote, amongft the which Cloth-breeches and
Veluet-breeches (his fathers pouerty, and his owne
pride, were none of the meaneft).

After them ftart up one Pierce Pennilejfe, and

1 92 FOURE LETTERS

hee likewife was a ftumbling blocke in his way.
(Penurie not long tarries after pride ; pray all the
ropes in Saffron Walden that I do not prophefie).
Amen, Amen, quoth M. Bird and M. Demetrius.

Hee forbeares to fpeake much in this place of the
one or the other, becauje his letters are more forward
to accuje them than their owne books to condemne
them ; yet for a touch by the way, hee talks that
Greene is no liuerey / for this winter, // is pitifully
hlafted and faded in euerie meade, by the ftrong
breath of his barbarifme.

Hee hath a twitch at Pierce Pennileffe too, at
the parting ftile, and tearms him the Deuils Orator
by profejjiony and his Dames Poet by praStife :
wherein mee thinks (the furreuerence of his works
not impaired) he hath verie highly ouerfliotte
himfelfe : for no more is Pierce Pennileffe to be
cald the Deuils Orator for making a Supplication
to the Deuill, than hee is to bee helde for a
Rhethoritian, for fetting foorth Gabrielis Scuruei
Rhetor, wherein hee thought to haue knockt out
the braines of poore Tullies Orator, but in veritie
did nothing elfe, but gather a flaunting vnfauory
fore-horfe nofegay out of his well furniflied
garland.

The aduancemet of the Deuils Orator/hip, which
he afcribeth to Pierce Pennileffe, me thinks had
beene a fit place for his Doftorihip, when hee mift

CONFUTED. 193

the Oratorfhip of the Vniuerfitie, of which in the
fequele of his booke, he moft flanderoufly com-
plaineth. Do6lor Perm, Greens, no dead man he
fpareth.

What he Ocvovlil fubaudi by his Barnes Poet, I
fcarfe apprehend, except this, that Pierce his Father
was Bame Laws\ofis'\ Poet, and writte many goodly
ftories of her in An Almond for [d\ Parr at.

Thofe that will take a Lefture in our Orators
letters muft not read, excu/e, commend, credite or
beleeue ante approoued truth in Pierce Pennilefle,
efpecially if it be anything that vpbraideth the
great Baboune his brother.

Hee will floffe the beginning, id eft, when hee
hath come behind a man and broke his head, feeke
to bind him to the good abearing, or els the ende
were like to proue pernitious and perillous to his
confufion.

Some /what hee mutters of defamation and iuft
commendation, & what a hell it is for him, that
hath built his heauen in vaine-glory, to bee puld
by the fleeue and bidde re/pice finem, looke
backe to his Fathers houfe ; but I ouerflippe it as
friuolous, becaufe all the world knowes him better
than he knowes himfelfe, & though he play the
Pharifie neuer fo in iuftifying his owne innocence,
theres none will beleeue him.

Let this bee fpoken once for all, as I haue a

N. u. 13

194 FOURE LETTERS

foule to faue, till this day in all my life, with
tongue nor penne, did I euer in the leaft worde or
tittle derogate from the Doftor. If his brother
(without any former prouocation on my part, God
is my witnefle) rayld on me groflely, exprefly
namde mee, compard me to Martin, indeuord to
take from mee all eftimation of Arte or witte,
haue I not caufe to beftirre mee?

Gabriell, I will beftirre mee, for all like an
Alehoufe Knight, thou crau'ft of luftice to do thee
reqfon ; as for impudencie and calumny, I returne
them in thy face, that, in one booke of tenne fheets
ot paper, haft publiflied aboue two hundred lies.

Had they been wittie lies, or merry lies, they
would neuer haue greeu'd mee : but palpable lies,
damned lies, lies as big as one of the Guardes
chynes of beefe, who can abide?

He make thee of my counfaile, becaufe I loue
thee (not) : when I was in Cambridge, and but a
childe, I was indifferently perfwaded of thee : mee
thought by thy appareU and thy gate, thou ftiouldft
haue beene a fine fellow : Little did I fufped: that
thou wert brother to lo. Pcean (whom inwardly I
alwaies grudgd at for writing againft JriJiotW) or
any of the Hs of Hempehall, but a Caualier of a
clean contrary houfe : now thou haft quite fpoild
thy felfe, from the foote to the /head I can tell
how thou art faftiioned.

CONFUTED. 195

Teterrime frater, and not fraterrime frater, maift
thou verie wofuUy exclaime, for in helping him,
thou haft crackt thy credit through the ring, made
thy infamie currant as farre as the Queenes coyne
goes.

But it may be thou haft a fider cloke for this
quarrell : thou wilt obieft, thy Father was abufd,
& that made thee write. What, by mee, or
Greene, or both.?

If by Greene and not mee, thou ftiouldft haue
written againft Greene and not mee. If by both,
I will anfwere for both, but not by both, therefore
I will aunfwere but for one.

Giue an inftance, if thou canft for thy life,
wherin in any leafe of Pierce PenileJJe I had fo
much as halfe a fiUables relation to thee, or oifred
one iot of indignitie to thy Father, more than
naming the greateft dignitie he hath, when for
varietie of Epithites, I calde thy brother the fonne
of a Ropemaker.

We fliall haue a good fonne of you anone, if you
be aftiamd of your fathers occupation : ah thou
wilt nere thriue, that art beholding to a trade, and
canft not abide to heare of it.

Thou doft Hue by the gallows, & wouldft not
haue a ftiooe to put on thy foot, if thy father had
no traffike with the hangman. Had I a Rope-
maker to my father, & fome body had caft it in

196 FOURE LETERTS

my teeth, I would foorthwith haue writ in praife
of Ropemakers, & prou'd it by foiid fillogiftry to
be one of the 7 liberal fciences.

Somewhat I am priuie to the caufe of Greenes
inueighing againft the three brothers. Thy hot-
fpirited brother Richard (a notable ruffian with
his pen) hauing firfl: tooke vpon him in his
blundring Perjiual, to play the lacke of both
fides twixt Martin and vs, and fnarld priuily at
Pap-hatchet, Pajquill, & others, that oppofde /
themfelues againft the open flaunder of that
mightie platformer of Atheifme, prefently after
dribbed forth another fooles bolt, a booke I
flioulde fay, which he chriftened 'The Lambe of
God.

That booke was a learned booke, a labourd
booke ; for three yere before he put it in print,
he had preacht it all without booke.

I my felfe haue fome of it in a booke of Sermons
that my Tutor at Cambridge made mee gather
euery Sunday. Then being very yoong, I counted
it the abiedeft and frothieft forme of Diuinitie that
came in that place. Now more confirmed in age
and Art, I confirme my ill opinion of it.

Neither do I vrge this, as if it were a hainous
thing for a man to put fermons in print after hee
preacht them, but obferue the proud humor of the.
pert Didimus, that thinks nothing he fpeakes but

CONFUTED. 19?

deferues to be put in print, and-fpeakes not that
fentence in the Pulpit, which before he rough-
hewes not ouer with his penne. Befides, I taxe
him for turning an olde coate (like a Broker) and
felling it for a new.

Thefe and a thoufand more imperfeftions, might
haue beene buried with his bookes in the bottome
of a drie-fatte, and there flept quietly amongft the
fhauings of the Prefle, if in his Epiftle he had not
beene fo arrogantly cenforiall.

Not mee alone did hee reuile and dare to the
combat, but glickt at Pap-hatchet once more, and
miftermed all our other Poets and writers about
London, piperly make-plaies and make- bates.

Hence Greene, beeing chiefe agent for the
companie (for hee writ more than foure other,
how well I will not fay : but Sat cito, ft fat bene)
tooke occafion to canuaze him a little in his
Cloth-breeches and /Veluet- breeches, and becaufe
by fome probable coUedtions hee geft the elder
brothers hand was in it, he coupled them both
in one yoake, and, to fulfill the prouerbe 'Triajunt
omnia, thruft in the third brother, who made a
perfect parriall of Pamphleters.

About fome feauen or eight lines it was which
hath pluckt on an inveftiue of fo many leaues.
Had hee liu'd, Gabriel, and thou fhouldft fo
vnarteficially and odioufly libeld againft him as

igS FOURS LETTERS

thou haft done, he would haue made thee an
example of ignominy to all ages that are to come,
and driuen thee to eate thy owne booke butterd,
as I fawe him make an Apparriter once in a Tauern
eate his Citation, waxe and all, very handfomly
feru'd twixt two difhes.

Out vppon thee for an arrant dog-killer, ftrike
a man when he is dead ?

So Hares may full dead Lions by the beards.

Memorandum. I borrowed this fentence out of
a Play. The Theater Poets hall, hath many more
fuch prouerbes to perfecute thee with, becaufe
thou haft fo fcornefully derided their profeffion,
and defpitefully maligned honeft {ports.

Before I vnbowell the 'leane Carcafe of thy book
any further. He drinke one cup of lambswool to the
Lambe of God and his enemies.

In the firft foure leaues of it, I haue fingled out
thefe Godly and fruitfull obferuations.

Noble Lord, I doe it euen upon former fremijfes,
not for any future confequents.

My booke is not worthy of Jo honorable Jpecialitie
as your Patronage.

I will not frojecute it with "Theological peculiars,
but from the mouth of the Jword IJpeake, &'c.

The hearts of the wicked pant, their Jpirits faile
them, they j may well call for butter out of a Lordlie
diffi.

CONFUTED. 199

You that bee gentle Readers, doe you not laugh
at this Lawiers englifh of former fremijfes and
future confequents ?

O finicalitie, your patronages fpeciallitie, but if
he profecute it with 'Theologicall peculiars, we muft
needs thrufl: him inter oues et hues £s? reliqua pecora
campi.

From the mouth of the fword I fpeake it, that
butter out of a Lordly dijh is but lewd diet for the
Pulpit.

But this is not halfe the littour of incke-
hornifme, that thofe foure pages haue pigd. I
muft tell you of the Oltonarium of Ramus, the
Sefquiamus of Phrigius, the Carthufianijme of
Gulielmus Rikel, of Annals, Diaries, Chronologies,
&f 'Tropologicall fchoolemen, the Abetilis of the
Ethiopians or Pretoionnans, of Gulielmus mihatenfts,
i£ S. lerome allegorized, Abdias, Lyra, Gryfon, Porta,
Pantaleon.

All which hee reckons vp to make the world
beleeue he hath read much, but alleadgeth nothing
out of them: Nor, I thinke, on my confcience,
euer read or knew what they meane, but he hath
ftole them by the wholefale out of fome Bookfellers
Catalogue, or a table of tradats.

Here are fome of his profounde Annotations :
lacob tooke J-.ea.h,for his bedfellow in the darke by
night, infteede of Rachell, whireby I learne to buy

2 00 FO URE LETTERS

my wife candle to goe to bed withall, and admit her
not by darke, but by light.

lacob was deceiued by Labans words : ergo.
Obligations are better than bils, and we mujl belieue
no man, except he will waxe and multiflie in words,
and call inke Cff parchment to witnes.

lacob laide pilled rods with white ftrakes in the
watring places of the Jheepe, whereby I note that in
carnal mixture j thefenfes are opened.

ludge you that be Fathers of the Church,
whether this be fit matter to edifie or no.

It was not for nothing brother Richard, that
Greene told you you kift your Parifhioners wiues
with holy kifTes, for you that wil talk of opening
thefenfes by carnal mixture (the very adt of lecherie)
in a Theological Treatife, and in the Pulpit, I am
afraide, in a priuater place you will praftife as
much as you fpeake : Homines raro, nift male locuti,
male faciunt. Olet hircum, olet hircum, anie modeft
eare would abhorre to heare it.

Farewell vncleane Vicar, and God make thee an
honeft man, for thou art too baudy for mee to
deale withall.

It followes in the Text,

T'o my verie good friend Maifier Emanuell
Demetrius.

This letter of M. Bird to M. Demetrius, fhould
feeme, by all reference or collation of ftiles, to

CONFUTED. 201

bee a Letter which M. Birds fecretarie, BoEiour
Gabriell, indited for him in his owne praife, and
got him to fette his hand to when he had done.
Or rather, it is no letter, but a certificate (fuch as
Rogues haue) from the head man of the Parifli
where hee was borne, that Gabriell is an excellent
generall Scholler, and his Father of good behauiour.

We will not beleeue it except wee fee the
Towne feale fette to it : but, fay wee ihould
beleeue it, what doth it make for thee? Haue
the Townesmen of Saffron Waldon euer heard thee
preach, that they fhould commend thee for an
excellent generall fcholler? or (becaufe thou pro-
feffefl: thy felf a Ciuilian) haft thou follicited any
of their caufes in the bawdy Courtes therabouts ?
If not, go your wayes a dolt as you came : Maifter
I Birdes Letter Ihall not repriue you from the
ladder.

But Veluet-breeches and Cloth-breeches (by the
iudgement of the beft man of none of the leaft
towns in Eflex) is a fantajiicall and fond Dialogue,
and one of the mojl licentious intollerable inueStiues
that euer hee read.

Why.?

In it is abujed an auncient neighbour of his.

How is he abufed.?

In ftead of his name, hee is called by the craft
hee gets his liuing with.

202 FOURS LETTERS

He hath borne office in Walden aboue twentie yere
Jince {hoc eft, had the keeping of the Towne ftocke>
alias the ftocks) Ergo he is no Rope-maker.

He hath maintaind foure Jonnes at Cambridge ;
Ergo Greene is a lewd fellow to fay he gets his
liuing backward.

"Three of his Jonnes vniverjally ridiculouflie reputed
of (for inamoratos on their owne works) in both
Vniuerfities and the whole Realme. The fourth is
fhrunke in the wetting, or elfe the Print Ihoulde
haue heard of him.

One of the three (whom the ^ip entitles the
Phyfition) returning ftcke from Norwitch to Linne
in Julie laft, was paft writing any more Almanackes,
before Greene ere imagined God had thought fo
well of him to take him to him.

Liuor poft fata quiejcat. Mother Liuers of
Newington is a better fortune-teller than he was
a Phifition.

A / Daih through the Dudgen Sonnet againft
Greene.

Put vp thy fmiter O gentle Peter,
Author and halter make but ill meeter.

I fcorne to anfwer thy mifliapen rime :

Blocks haue cald fchollers bayards ere this time.

I would trot a falfe gallop through the reft of

CONFUTED. 203

his ragged Verfes, but that if I fliould retort his
rime dogrell aright, I muft make my verfes (as he
doth his) run hobling like a Brewers Cart vpon
the ftones, and obferue no length in their feete ;
which were abjurdum ■per abfurdius, to infed my
vaine with his imitation.

The Analafis of the whole is this: an olde
mechanical meeter-munger would faine raile, if
he had anie witte. If Greene were dogge-ficke
and brain-Jicke, fure he (poore fecular Satirift)
is dolt-ficke and brainlefle, that with the tooth-
lefle gums of his Poetry fo betuggeth a dead
man.

But I cannot be induced to beleue a graue man
of his fort fliould be fo rauingly bent : when all
comes to all, Jhorteji vowels and longeft mutes will
bewray it to bee a webbe of your owne loomes,
M. Gabriel : you mute foorth many fuch ph'rafes
in the courfe of your booke, which I will point at
as I palTe by.

I will not robbe you of your due commendation
in anything : in this Sonnet you haue counterfeited
the ftile of the olde Vice in the Morals, as right vp
and downe as may be.

Let. Greene, the Connycatcher, of this dreame the
author.
For his daintie deuije dejerueth the hauter.

104 FOURS LETTERS

Vice. I Hey nan anon fir, foft let me make water,
Whip it to go. He kifle my maifters daughter.
Turn diddy, tum da, falangte do diddle:
Sol la me fa fol, conatus in fiddle.

I am afraide your DoSlors fart will fall out to be
a fatall foyft to your breeches, if we foUowe you
at the hard heeles as we haue begun.

Thou flialt not breath a whit, trip and goe,
turne ouer a new leafe.

Maifter Bird, in the abjence of M. Demetrius.
Perge pdrro. I found his wife curteous : barlady
fir, but this is fufpitious.

A woman is well holpen vp that does you any
curtefie in the abfence of her hufband, when you
cannot keepe it to your felfe, but you muft blab it
in print.

If it were any other but Miftris Demetrius
(whome I haue heard to be a modeft fober woman,
and indued with many vertues) I would play vpon
it a litle more. In regard that fhee is fo, I for-
beare ; and craue pardon in that I haue fpoken fo
much.

Yet would I haue her vnderftand how well the
generall fcholler her gueft, hath rewarded hir for
his kind entertainment, by bringing her name in
queftion in print.

M. Bird and Demetrius, I knowe neither of

CONFUTED. 205

you by fight, but this He fay, being of that welth
you are, you had better haue fpent a great deale
of money, than come in the mouth of this bafe
companion.

What reafon haue I (feeing your names fub-
fcribed as his bolfterer, in a matter of defame that
concernes mee) but to go through ftitch with you,
as well as him ?

He thinks to ouer-beare vs as poore beggers with
the / great oftentation of your rich acquaintance.

Lette all Noblemen take heede how they giue
this Thrajo the leaft becke or countenance, for
if they beftowe but halfe a glaunce on him, hele
ftraight put it verie folemnly in print, and make it
ten times more than it is.

He tell you a merry ieaft.

The time was when this 'Timothie Tiptoes made
a Latine Oration to her Majeftie. Her Highn'es
as Ihe is vnto all her fubiefts moft gratious : fo to
fchollers flie is more louing and affable than any
Prince vnder heauen. In which refpeft, of her
owne vertue and not his defert, it pleafed hir fo to
humble the height of hir iudgment, as to grace
him a little whiles he was pronouncing, by thefe
or fuch like tearmes. Tis a good fretie fellow, a
lookes like an Italian, and after hee had concluded,
to call him to kifTe her royall 'hand. Herevppon
he goes home to his ftudie, all intraunced, and

2o6 FOURS LETTERS

writes a whole volume of Verfes ; firft. Tie vultu
Itali, of the countenance of the Italian ; and then
De ojculo manus, of his kiffing the Queenes hande.
Which two Latin poems he publiflit in a booke
of his cald jEdes Valdinenjes, proclaiming thereby
(as it were to England Fraunce, Italic and Spaine)
what fauour hee was in with her Maieftie.

I difmifle this Parenthejis, and come to his next
bujinejfe : which indeede is his firft bufinefle : for
tyll Greene awakte him out of his felfe admiring
contemplation, hee had nothing to doe but walke
vnder the Ewe tree at Trinitie hall, and fay :

What may I call this tree, an Ewe tree, O bonny Ewe tree,
Needes to thy boughs will bow this knee, and vaile my bonnetto.

Or / make verfes of weathercocks on the top of
fteeples, as he did once of the weathercocke of
Alhallows in Cambridge :

O thou weathercocke that stands on the top of the church of

Alhallows,
Come thy waies down if thou darst for thy crowne, and take

the wall on vs.

O Heathenifti and Pagan Hexamiters, come thy
waies down fro thy DoSfourJhip^ & learne thy
Primer of Poetry ouer again, for certainly thy pen
is in ftate of a Reprobate with all men of iudge-
ment and reckoning.

Come thy waies down from thy Dodtourfhip,

CONFUTED. 207

faid 1? Erraui demens, thou neuer wenft vp to
it yet.

Fie on hypocrifie and Diffimulation, that men
fhould make themfelues better than they are !

Alas a Gods will, thou art but a plaine moth-
eaten Maifter of Art, and neuer pollutedft thy
felfe with any plaiftrie or dawbing of Dodourfhip.

Lift Pauls Churchyard (the perufer of euerie
mans works, & Exchange of all Authors), you
are a many of you honeft fellows, and fauour men
of wit.

So it is that a good Gowne and a well pruned
paire of mouftachios, hauing ftudied fixteene yeare
to make thirteene ill englifh Hexameters, came to
the Vniverfity Court regentium & mn, to fue for a
commiffion to carry two faces in a hoode : they not
vfing to deny honour to any man that deferued it,
bad him performe all the Schollerlike ceremonies
and difputatiue right appertaining thereto, and he
ihould bee inftalled.

Noli me tangere : he likt none of that.

A ftripling that hath an indifferent prety ftocke
of reputation abroade in the worlde already, and
fome credit amongft his neighbours, as he thinketh,
would be / loth to ieoperd all at one throwe at the
dice.

If hee fhould haue difputed for his degree, dis-
cended in arenam &' puluerem Philqfofhicum, and

2o8 FOURE LETTERS

haue been foild, Aih me quoth Wit in larmntahle
Jort, what fhould haue become of him ? hee might
haue beene fhot through ere hee were aware, with
a Sillogifme.

No point, Ergo, it were wifely done of goodman
Boores fonne, if he fhould goe to the warres for
honor, and returne with a wodden legge, when he
may buy a Captainelhip at home better cheape.

Pumps and Pantofles, becaufe they were well
blackt and gliftered ioUy frelhly on it, being rubd
ouer with inke, had their grace at length to be
Dodbour, Ea lege, that they fhould do their ads
(that is, performe more than they were able).

Curfl be the time that euer there were any
obligations made with conditions, Vnde habeas
quarit nemo, Jed oportet habere, Howe Dorbell
comes to bee Dodtour none afks, .but Dodtour hee
mufl bee to make him right worfhipfull.

Adts are but idle wordes, and the Scripture
faith, wee muft giue account for euery idle word.

Pumps and Pantofles fweare they will iet away
with a cleare confcience at the daie of iudgement,
and therfore do no Ads, giue no offence with idle
wordsj onelie like a Hauke let flie at a Partridge,
that turnes the taile and betakes her to a walnut-
tree, fo to Oxford they trudge, hauing their grace
ad difputandum, and there are confirmed in the
fame degree they tooke at Cambridge : which is

CONFUTED. zog

as if a Prentife heere in London, as foone as hee
is enrould, fliould runne to fome fuch Towne as
Ipfwich, and there craue to haue his Freedome
confirmd as of London : which, in truth is / no
Freedome, becaufe hee hath not feru'd out his
prentifliip.

Truft mee not for a dodkin, if there bee not all
the Doftourfhip hee hath, yet will the infolent
incke worme write himfelfe Right worfhipfull of
the Lawes, and perfonate this man and that man,
calling him my good friend Maifter DoSour at
euery word.

Do(5tour or no Doftour, Greene Jurfeted not of
■pickled hearing, but of exceeding feare of his Fami-
liar Epiftles.

Hee offred in his extreamefi want twentie fhillings
to the Printer to leaue out the matter of the three
brothers.

Haud facile credo, I am fure the Printer beeing
of that honeftie that I take him for, will not
affirme it.

Marry this I muft fay, there was a learned
Doftour of Phificke (to whom Greene in his
ficknefle fent for counfaile) that hauing read ouer
the booke of Veluetbreeches and Clothbreeches, and
laughed merrilie at the three brothers legend, wild
Green in any cafe either to mittigate it, or leaue it
out : Not for any extraordinarie account hee made

N. II. 14

210 FOURS LETTERS

of the fraternitie of fooles, but for one of them
was proceeded in the fame facultie of phificke
hee profeft, and willinglie hee would haue none
of that excellent calling ill fpoken off.

This was the caufe of the altring of it, the feare
of his Phifitions difpleafure, and not anie feare elfe.

I keepe your confcious minde, with all other odde
ends of your halfe fac'd englifh, till the fuU con-
clufion of my booke, where in an honorable Index
they fliall be placed according to their degree and
fegnioritie.

Wee / are to vexe you mightely for plucking
Elderton out of the afhes of his Ale, and not letting
him inioy his nappie mufe of ballad making to
himfelfe, but now, when he is as dead as dead
beere, you muft bee finding fault with the brewing
of his meeters.

Hough "Thomas Delone, Phillip Stubs, Robert
Armin, &c., your father Elderton is abuf'd. Re-
uenge, reuenge on courfe paper and want of
matter, that hath moft facriligioufly contaminated
the diuine fpirit & quinteffence of a penny a quart.

Helter fkelter, feare no colours, courfe him,
trounce him, one cup of perfedt bonauenture licour
will infpire you with more wit and Schollerfhip
than hee hath thruft into his whole packet of
Letters.

You that bee lookers on, perhaps imagine I

CONFUTED. 211

talke like a merry man, and not in good earneft,
when I fay that Eldertons ghofl: and Gabriel are
at fuch ods: but then you knowe nothing, for
there hath beene a monftrous emulation twixt
Elderton and him time out of mind. Yea, they
were riuals in riming foure yeare before the great
froft. Hee expreflely writ again ft him, 1580, In
his Jhort but fliarpe and learned iudgement of Earth-

Broome boyes, and cornecutters, (or whatfoeuer
trade is more contemptible) come not in his way,
ftand fortie foote from the execution place of his
furie, for elfe in the full tide of his ftandifh, he
will carrie your occupations handfmooth out of
towne before him, befmeare them, drowne them :
downe the riuer they goe Priuily to the He of
Dogges with his Pamphlets.

O it is a peftilent libeller againft beggers : hee
meanes fliortly to fet foorth a booke cald his
Paraphrafe vpon Paris Garden, wherein hee will
fo tamper / with the interpreter of the Puppits,
and betoufe Harry of Tame and great Ned, that
Titius Jhall not vf braid Cains with euerie thing and
nothing nor Zoylus anie more flurt Homer, nor
T\ivc{\tfs, fling at Agamemnon.

Holla, holla, holla, flurt, fling, what reafty
Rhetoricke haue we here? certes, certes, brother
hoddy doddy, your penne is a coult by cockes body.

212 FOURE LETTERS

As touching the libertie of Orators and PoetSj
I will conferre with thee fomewhat grauely, al-
though thou beeft a goofe-cappe and haft no
iudgement.

A libertie they haue thou fayft, hut no liberty
without bounds, no licence without limitation.

lefu what mifter wonders doft thou tell us?
euery thing hath an end, and a pudding hath two.

That libertie, Poets of late in their inueSliues
haue exceeded: they haue borne their fword vp
where it is not lawfull for a poynado that is but
the page of prowefle, to intermeddle.

Thou bringft in Mother Hubbard for an inftance.
Go no further, but here confefle thy felfe a flat
nodgcombe before all this congregation ; for thou
haft dealt by thy friend as homely as thou didft by
thy father.

Who publikely accufde or of late brought
Mother Hubbard into queftion, that thou fhouldft
by rehearfall rekindle againft him the fparkes of
difpleafure that were quenched.''

Forgot he the pure /anguine of his Fairy ^eene,
fayft thou ?

A pure /anguine fot art thou, that in vaine-glory
to haue Spencer known for thy friend, and that
thou haft fome intereft in him, cenfereft him worfe
than his dead! left enemie v/ould do.

If/ any man were vndeferuedly toucht in it,

CONFUTED. 213

thou haft reuiued his difgrace that was fo toucht
in it, by renaming it, when it was worn out of al
mens mouths and minds.

Befides, whereas before I thought it a made
matter of fome malitious moralizers againft him,
and no fubftance of flaunder in truth, now, when
thou (that proclaimeft thy felfe the only famihar
of his bofome, and therefore fhouldft know his
fecretes) giues it out in print that he ouerfhotte
himfelfe therein ; it cannot chufe but be fufpeded
to be fo indeed.

Immortall Spencer, no frailtie hath thy fame,
but the imputation of this Idiots friendfhip : vpon
an vnfpotted Pegafus fhould thy gorgeous attired
Fayrie ^eene ride triumphant through all reports
dominions, but that this mud-born bubble, this
bile on the browe of the Vniuerfitie, this bladder
of pride newe blowne, challengeth fome intereft in
her profperitie.

Of pitch who hath any vfe at all, ftiall be abufd
by it in the end.

High grafTe that floriftieth for a feafon on the
houfe toppe, fadeth before the harueft cals for it,
and maye well make a fayre lliewe, but hath no
fweetnefle in it. Such is this Afle in prefenti, this
grofTe painted image of pride, who would faine
counterfeite a good witte, but fcornfull pittie, his
beft patron, knows it becomes him as ill, as an

214 FOURE LETTERS

vnweldy Elephant to imitate a whelpe in his
wantonnes.

I wote not how it fals out, but his inuention is
ouerweapond ; he hath fome good words, but he
cannot writhe them and tofle them to and fro
nimbly, or fo bring them about, that hee maye
make one ftreight thruft at his enemies face.

Coldly and dully idem per idem, who cannot
indite ? but / with life and fpirit to limne deadnes
it felfe. Hoc eft orator is proprium.

L. InueSliues by fauour haue beene too bolde, and
Satires by vfurpation too prejumptuous. What plea-
fure brings this to the reader? lacke of the Falcon
in Cambridge can fay as much, and giue no reafon
for, it.

But I can prompt you with a demonftration
wherin Inuedtiues haue been too bold. Do you
remember what you writ in your Item for Earth-
quakes, of double fac'd lani, changeable Camelions,
A/pen leaues, painted Jheathes, and Jepulchers, AJfes
in Lions Jkinnes, dunghill caches, ftipperie eeles,
dormi/e, &c. ? Befides your teftimoniall of Doc-
tour Feme, wherein it pleafed you, of your lingular
liberalitie and bountie, to beftowe vpon [him] this
beautiful! Encomium : — A bufie and dizzie head, a
brazen forehead, a leaden braine, a wodden witte, a
copper face, a ftonie breft, a faSious and eluifh heart,
a founder of nouelties, a confounder of his owne and

CONFUTED. 215

his friendes good giftes, a morning booke-worme, an
afternoon malt-worme, a right lugler, as full of his
fleightes, -vSiles, fetches, cajis of kgerdemaine, toyes to
mocke Apes withall, odde fhifts and knauifh fraSifes,
as his fkinne can holde.

Notwithftanding all this, you defie, cut and long-
laile, that can accufe you of any Jcandalous part
either in word or deede.

Tully, Horace, Archilochus, Arifiofhanes, Lucian,
lulian, Aretine, goe for no paiment with you :
their declamatory ftiles, brought to the grand tefl:
of your iudgement, are found counterfeit, they are
a venemous and viprous brood of railers, becaufe
they haue broght in a new kind of a quicke fight,
which your decrepite flow-mouing capacitie cannot
fadge with.

Tufh, tufh, you take the graue peake vppon
you too / much : who would think you could fo
eafily fhake off your olde friendes ? Did not you
in the fortie one Page, line 2, your Epiftles to
Collin Clout vfe this fpeech ?

Extra iocum, / like your Dreames paffing well :
and the rather becaufe they Jauor of that fingular
extraordinary vaine and inuention which I euer
fancied mofi, and in a manner admired onely in
Lucian, Petrarch, Aretine, Pafquil.

T>ic fades (godamercie on Dicke Sothis foule, for
he was a better dauncer than thou art an enditer.

21 6 FOURE LETTERS

& with his legges he made fome Muficke (there
is none in thy letters) anfwere mee briefly, I fay,
to the point, haue I varied one voweirfrom thy
originall text in this allegation ? If not, I cannot
fee how the Dodtours may well be reconcild, one
while to commend a man becaufe his writings
Jauour of that fingular extraor dinar ie vaine, which
he onely admired in Lucian, Petrarch, Aretine,
Pafquil: and then in another booke afterward,
to come and call thofe fingular extraordinarie
admired men a venemous and viperous brood of
railers.

The auncienter fort of Poets and Oratours fhall
plead their owne worthinefle.

1'ullie neuer ouerreached himfelf in railing fo
much as in flatterie. His Phillippicks (found
Phyfick applide to a body that could not difgeft
it) are the things that efpecially commended him
to this art-thriuing age of ours, and had not thefe
beene, hee would certainely haue beene fentenced
by a generall verdit of hifl;ories for a timerous
time-pleafer.

Who cannot draw a curtaine before a deformed
pidlure? Plautus perfonated no Parafite, but he
made him a flaue or a bondman.

Fawning and croutching are the naturall ges-
tures of/ feare, and if it bee a vertue for a vaflaile
to Jicke a mans fhooes with his tongue, fure it is

CONFUTED. 217

but borrowed from the dogges ; and fo is biting
too, if it bee accompanied with ouer lowd barking,
or in fuch wife as it cannot pinch but it muft
breake the flefh. and drawe bloud.

Horace, Perfeus, luvenall, my poore iudgment
lendeth you plentiful! allowance of applaufe : yet
had you, with the Phrigian melodie, that ftirreth.
men vp to battaile and furie, mixt the Dorian
tune, that fauoreth mirth and pleafure, your vn-
fugred pilles (howeuer excellently medicinable)
would not haue beene fo harfh in the fwallowing.
So likewife Archilochus, thou like the preachers
to the Curtizans in Roome, that expound to them
all Lawe and no Gofpell, art all gall and no
fpleene. Hence came it to pafle, that with the
meere efficacie of thy incenfed lambicks, thou
mad'ft a man runne and hang himfelfe that had
angerd thee.

Thee I imbrace Arijlophanes, not fo much for.
thy Comcedie of the clowd, which thou wrotft
againfl: philofophers, as for in al other thy inuen-
tions thou interfufeft delight with reprehenfion.

Lucian, lulian, Aretine, all three admirably
bleft in the abundant giftes of art and nature :
yet Religion, which you fought to ruinate, hath
ruinated your good names, and the oppofing of
your eyes againfl the bright funne, hath caufd
the worlde condemne your fight in all other

218 FOURE LETTERS

thinges. I proteft, were you ought elfe but
abhominable Atheiftes, I would obftinately defende
you, onely becaufe Laureate Gabriell articles againft
you.

This I will iuftifie againft any Dromidote Ergonift
whatfoeuer, there is no other vnlafciuious vfe or
end of /poetry, but to infamize vice, and mag-
nifie vertue, and that if they aflemble all the
examples of verfe-founders from Homer to Hugh
Coplandy they fhall not find anie of them but hath
encountred with the generall abufes of the times,

Whatfoeuer harpeth not of one of thefe two
ftrings of praife and reproofe, is as it were a
Dirige in prickfong without anie dittie fet to it,
that haply may tickle the eare, but neuer edifies.

In the Romaine common-wealths it was lawful
for Poets to reproue that enormitie in the higheft
chairs of authoritie, which none elfe durft touch,
alwaies the facred Maieftie of their Auguftus kept
inuiolate: for that was a Plannet exalted aboue
their Hexameter horizon, & it was capitall to
them in the higheft degree to difpute of his
fetting and rifing, or fearch inquifitiuely into his
predominance and influence.

The fecrets of God muft not be fearcht into.
Kings are Gods on earth, their adtions muft not
be founded by their fubiedls.

Seneca^ Neroes tutor, founde his death in no

CONFUTED. 2ig

verfe but OSauia. Imperious Lucan fprinkled
but one drop of bloud on his imperiall chayre,
and periflit by him alfo.

Ouid once faw Auguftus in a place where he
would not haue beene {etn& ; he was exilde pre-
fently to thofe countries no happy man hears of.

Long might hee, in a blinde Metamorphofis,
haue playd vppon all the wenches in Roome, and
regiftred their priuie fcapes, vpbrayded inhofpi-
talitie with the fable of Licaon : alluded to fome
Ambodexter Lawyer vnder the ftorie of Battus :
haue defcribed a noted vnthrift, whofe fubftaunce
hawkes and hounds haue deuoured, in the tale
of ASieon, that was eaten vp / by his owne
dogges : mockt Alcumiftes with Midas : pifturde
inamaratos vnder Narcijfus : and fhrouded a
picked effeminate Carpet Knight vnder the fic-
tionate perfon of Hermophroditus ; with a thoufand
more fuch vnexileable ouer-thwart merrimentes, if
luft had not led him beyond the profped of his
birth, or hee feene a meaner man finning than an
Emperour.

SanSia Maria ora fro nobis, how hath my pen
loft it felfe in a croude of Poets.

GafFer lobbernoule, once more well ouer- taken,
how doft thou ^ how doft thou .'' holde vp thy
heade, man, take no care : though Greene be dead,
yet I may Hue to doe thee good.

220 FOURE LETTERS

But by the meanes of his death thou art depriued
of the remedie in lawe, which thou intendedfi to haue
againji him, for calling thy father Ropemaker. Mas,
thats true : what adion will it beare ? Nihil pro
nihilo, none in law : what it will doe vpon the
ftage I cannot tell ; for there a man maye make
a6lion befides his pirt, when he hath nothing at
all to fay : and if there, it is but a clownifh aftion
that it will beare : for what can bee made of a
Ropemaker more than a Clowne ? Will Kempe,
I miftruft it will fall to thy lot for a merriment,
one of thefe dayes.

In fhort tearmes, thus I demur vpon thy long
Kehtifh-tayld declaration againft Greene.

Hee inherited more vertues than vices : a iolly
long red peake, like the fpire of a fteeple, hee
cherifht continually without cutting, whereat a
man might hang a lewell, it was fo fliarpe and
pendant.

Why fhould art anfwer for the infirmities of
maners? Hee had his faultes, and thou thy
foUyes.

Debt and deadly finne, who is not fubiedt to ?
With / any notorious crime I neuer knew him
tainted ; (& yet tainting is no infamous furgerie
for him that hath beene in fo many hote Ikir-
mifhes).

A good fellowe hee was, and would haue drunke

CONFUTED. 221

with thee for more angels then the Lord thou
libeldfl: on gaue thee in Chrijis Colledge ; and in
one yeare hee pift as much againft the walls, as
thou and thy two brothers fpent in three.

In a night & a day would he haue yarkt vp a
Pamphlet as well as in feauen yeare, and glad was
that Printer that might bee fo bleft to pay him
deare for the very dregs of his wit.

Hee made no account of winning credite by his
workes, as thou doft, that doft no good workes,
but thinkes to bee famofed by a ftrong faith of
thine owne worthines : his onely care was to haue
a fpel in his purfe to coniure vp a good cup of
wine with at all times.

For the lowfie circumftance of his pouerty
before his death, and fending that miferable writte
to his wife, it cannot be but thou lyeft, learned
Gabriell.

I and one of my fellowes. Will Monox (Haft
thou neuer heard of him and his great dagger?)
were in company with him a month before he
died, at that fatall banquet of Rhenifh wine and
pickled hearing (if thou wilt needs haue it fo) and
then the inuentorie of his apparrell came to more
than three ftiillings (though thou faift the con-
trarie). I know a Broker, in a fpruce leather
ierkin with a great number of golde Rings on his
fingers, and a bunch of keies at his girdle, fhall

222 FOURS LETTERS

giue you thirty fliillings for the doublet alone, if
you can helpe him to it. Harke in your eare,
hee had a very faire Cloalce with fleeues, of a
graue goofe turd greene: it would ferue you as
fine as may bee : No more words if you bee wife,
play the good hufband / and liften after it, you
may buy it ten fhillings better cheape than it coft
him. By S. Siluer, it is good to bee circumfpeft
in cafting for the worlde, theres a great many ropes
go to ten fhillings. If you want a greafy paire
of filke ftockings alfo, to fhew yourfelfe in at the
Court, they are to be had too amongft his moue-
ables. Frujira fit per plura quod fieri potefi per
pauciora : It is policie to take a rich penniworth
whiles it is ofFred.

j^las euen his fellow writer, that proper yoong man,
almoft fcorns to cope with thee, thou art fuch a
crow troden Afle : doft thou infome refpeltes wijh
him well and /pare his name? in fome relpedirs fo
doth hee wifh thee as well .? {^hoc eft, to be as well
knowne for a foole as my Lord Welles) and pro-
mifeth by me to talke very fparingly of thy praife.
For thy name, hee will not ftoupe to plucke it out
of the mire, and put it in his mouth.

By this bleffed cuppe of facke which I now
holde in my hand, and drinke to the health of all
Chriften foules in, thou art a puiflant Epitapher.

Yea ? thy Mufes foot of the twelues ; old long

CONFUTED. 223

Meg of Weftminfter ? Then, I trowe thou wilt
ftride ouer Greenes graue and not ftumble : If you
doe, wee fhall come to your taking vp.

Letter.
Here lies the man whom Mijtris Ifam cround with

bays.
She Jhe that ioyd to heare her nightingales Jweete lays.

Comment.
Here Miftris IJam ; Gabriel floutes thy bays :
Scratch out his eyes that printeth thy difpraife.

She Jhe fhe will fcratch, and like a fcritching
night-owle come and make a difmal noife vnder
thy chamber / windowe, for deriding her fo dun-
ftically. A bigge fat lufty wench it is, that hath
an arme like an Amazon, and will bang thee
abhominationly, if euer fhee catch thee in her
quarters. It is not your Toet Garijh, and your
forehorje of the parijh that fhall redeeme you from
her fingers, but fhee will make aSuall proofe of
you, according as you defire of God in the vnder
following lines.

The next weeke, Maifler Bird (if his inke-pot
haue a cleare current) hee will haue at you with a
cap-cafe full of French occurrences, that is, fhape
you a mefTe of newes out of the fecond courfe of
his conceit, as his brother is faid out of the fabulous

224 FO URE LETTERS

abundance of his braine to haue inuented the
newes out of Calabria {John Doletas prophefie of
flying dragons, commets, Earthquakes, and inun-
dafions).

I am fure it is not yet worne out of mens fcorn,
for euery Miller made a comment of it, and not
an oyfter wife but mockt it.

When that fly-boat of Frenchery is once launcht,
your trenchor attendant, Gamaliel Hobgoblin, in-
tends to tickle vp a Treatife of the barly kurnell,
which you fet in your garden, out of which there
fprung (as you auouched) twelue feuerall eares of
corne at one time.

Redoubted Parma was neuer Jo matcht if hee
kindle the match of his meeterdome, and let driue
at him with a volley of verfes. Let not his prin-
cipalitie trufl: too much to it, becaufe.his name is
Latin for a fhield ; for Poet Hobbinoll, hauing a
gallant wit and a brazen penne, will honourably
bethinke him, and euen ambitioujly frame his ftile to
a noble emulation of Liuie, Homer and the diuineji
Jpirites of all ages, as hee hath done to the emu-
lation of TuUie heeretofore, when hee com/piled a
Pamphlet called Ciceronis Confolatio ad Dolobellam,
and publifht it as a newe part of 'Tullie, which had
bin hidde in a Wall a thoufand and odde yeares,
and was found out by him before it euer found
beeing.

CONFUTED. 225

The circumftance was this ; going downe the
water at Cambridge one fummer euening, and
afking certaine queftions of the Eccho at Barnewell
wall (as the manner is paffing by) holding her verie
narrowly to the poynt, fhe reuealed vnto him what
a treafure fhee had hidden amongft her ftones ;
namely, this new part of Gabrielis Ciceronis conjo-
latio ad Dolohellam : and though fhe was verie
loath to difclofe it, yet becaufe ihee knewe not
how foone God might call her ; videlicet, how
fodainely fhee might fall ; to difcharge her con-
fcience before her death, fhee would deliuer it vp
as freely vnto him as euer it was hers : come and
digge for it, hee fhoulde haue it. Neuer more glad
was fhee in her life, that fince fhee muft needes
furrender it to the light, fhe had chaunft vppon
fuch a Cardinall Corrigidore of incongruitie, and
Tullies nexte and immediate fuccefTour, vnder Carre,
to whofe carefuU repolifhing fhe might commit it.

Keepe it, quoth fhe ?

No, if it were a booke of golde it is thine :
reade it, new print it, dedicate it from thy gallery
at Trinitie Hall to whom thou wilt.

Whether hee vfde a fpade or a mattocke for the
vnburying of it I know not, but extant it is, and
of a hundred I haue heard that it is his.

O Gabriell, if thou hafl any manhood in thy
ftarcht peake, looke vpon me and weepe not.

N. 11. 15

226 FOURS LETTERS

From this day forward fhall a whole armie of
boies come / wondring about thee, as thou goeft
in the ftreet, and cry kulleloo, kulleloo, with whup
hoo, there goes the Ape of Tully : tih he he, fteale
Tully, fteale Tully, away with the Afle in the Lions
fkinne.

Nay, but in fadnefle, is it not a finfull thing for
a SchoUer & a Chrifiian to turne 'Tully ? a Turke
would neuer doe it.

Be counfaild in thy calamitie, write no more
Conjolatios ad Dolabellam, but Con/olatio ad DoSlorS'
Gabrielem ; thy felfe comfort thy felfe, and learn
to make a vertue of contempt.

Jld ruentem ■parietem ne inclina, is a prouerbe
which would haue preuented all this, if thou couldft
haue fufFered thy felfe to haue beene direfted by it :
for firft and formoft, hadft not thou ftept forth to
vnder-prop the ruinous wall of thy brothers repu-
tation, I had neuer medled with thee ; if thou
hadft not leand too much to an olde wall, when
thou pluckft Tullie out of a wall, the damnation
of this left had bin yet vnbegotten.

He that hath borne faile in two tempefts of
fhame, makes a fport of ftiippe-wracke of good
name euer after.

The wall of the welfare of Fraunce that is
ftarted from her King, her true foundation, thy
writinges, (more wretched than France) would

CONFUTED. 227

faine cleaue vnto, if they could tell how, and
count it a felicity to haue the oportunitie of Jo
heroicall an argument.

God helpe Alexander, if hee haue no other Poet
to emblazon his atchieuements but Cherillus.

High refolued Earle of EJfex, and viftorious Sir
lohn Norris, Englands champions, enuied tranquil-
lities confidence, vnworthy are your aduentures
Iliades to bee reported by fuch a ragged reede as
the iar/ring Pipe of this Batillus. The Portugals
& Frenchmens feare will lend your Honors richer
ornaments, than his low-flighted aiFeftion (fortunes
fummer follower) can frame them.

The feale that I haue fet to your vertues be
filence ; the argument of prayfe is vnauthorized in
any mans mouth but olde age.

When the better parte of youthes feruence is
boyld away, and that the fhowres of many forrowes
haue feafond our greene heads with experience,
with the wither-fac'd weather-beaten Mariner, that
talks quaking and fliudderingly of a fl:orme that
hee hath newly toyld through, our wordes will bee
written in our vifage.

Euen as the funne, fo no fcience fhines in his
compleate glory till it be ready to decline.

Thefe be the conclufions, that gray hairs prune
& cut downe the profperitie of yong yeares with
as faft as it afpires, but let the feare Oake looke

238 FOURS LETTERS

himfelfe in the glafle of truth, and he fhal find that
Methujalems bleffing is imbecillitie, beftowed on
any creature but the Foxe, who neuer is a right
Foxe till he be ripe for the dunghill.

If my ftile holde on this fober Mules pace but
a fheete or two further, I fhall haue a long beard
lyke an Irifh mantle, droppe out of my mouth
before I be aware.

Marry God forfend, for at no hand can I endure
to haue my cheeks muffled vp in furre like a
Mufcouian, or weare any of this Welch freeze on
my face.

O it is a miferable thing to drefle haire like
towe twixt a mans teeth, when one cannot drinke
but hee muft thruft a great fpunge into the cup,
& fo cleanfe his coole porridge, as it were, through
a ftrayner ere it / comes to his lippes.

This fecond Epiftle I haue faid prettily well too :
I thinke we were beft begin thirdly whereas,
for feare a volume fteale vpon vs vnlookt for.

CONFUTED. 229

The Arrainment and Execution of the
Third Letter.

'to euerie Reader fauourably or indifferently affeSed.

Text, ftand to the Barre. Peace there belowe.
Albeit for theje twelue or thirteene yeares no man hath
beene more loath, or more Jcrupulous than myjelfe, &c.

The body of mee, hee begins like a proclama-
tion : fufficeth it wee knowe you, your minde,
though you fay no more.

Is not this your drift ? you would haue the
worlde fuppofe you were vrgde to that which pro-
ceeded of your owne good nature : like fome that
will feeme to bee intreated to take a high place of
preferment vppon them, which priuilie before they
haue prayde and payde for, and put all their
ftrength to clymbe vp to.

You would foift in non caujam fro caufa, haue
it thought your flight from your olde companions
obfcuritie and filence, was onely, with Mneas, to
carry your Father on your backe, through the fire
of flaunder, and by that fhift, with a falfe plea of
patience, vniuftly driuen from his kingdome, filch
a way the harts of the Queenes liege people.

The backe of thofe creple excufes I haue broke
in / the beginning of my booke : if you haue anie
new infringement to deftitute the inditement of
forgerie that I bring againft you, fo it is.

230 FOURE LETTERS

Heere enters Argumentum a tejiimonio humano, like
'famberlaine drawne in a chariot by foure Kings.

I THAT IN MY YOVTH FLATTERD NOT MY SELFE

WITH THE EXCEEDING COMMENDATION OF

THE GREATEST SCHOLLER IN THE

WORLD, &C,

Ilk ego qui quondam gracili modulflius auena.

Ah neighbourhood, neighbourhood, dead and
buried art thou with Robinhood : a poore
creature here is faine to commend himfelfe, for
want of friendes to fpeake for him.

Not the leaft, but the greateft SchoUers in the
WORLD haue not only but exceedingly fedde him
fat in his humor of Braggadochio Gloriofo.

Tea Spencer him hath often Homer tearmd.
And Mounjier Bodkin vowd as much as he ;
Yet cares not Najhe for him a halfepeny.

Lamentable, lamentable, that an indifferent vn-
toward ciuill Lawyer, who hath read Plutarch de
vtilitate capienda ab inimicis, & can talke of "Titius
and Sempronius, fhould be no more fet by, but set
BY, thruft afide, while his betters carry the bredth
of the ftreet before them.

Mifery will humble the; haughtieft heart in the
world : Habemus reum confitente : he confeffeth
himfelf a finner in vnfufficiency ; yet for all that

CONFUTED. 231

the aduerfitie of / vniuerfal) obloquy hath laide a
heauie hande on him, ftill he retaineth (like con-
cealed land) fome part of his proud mind in a
beggers purfe, fcorneth to fay Fortune my foe, or
afke a good word for Gods fake of anie man.

In the flainnejfe of his puft vp nature, he will
defie anie man that dare accufe him of that he is.

Why, why infraftiffime Pistlepragmos, though
you were yong in yeares, frefh in courage, greene in
experience, and ouer-weaning in conceipt (we will
refufe nothing that you giue vs) when you pri-
uately wrote the letters that afterward (by no
other but your felfe) were publiquely diuulged ;
yet when the bladder is burft that held you vp
fwimming in felfe loue, you muft not be difcon-
tented though you fink.

I haue toucht the vlcer of your Oratourfhip, in
requiting the nick-name of 'The Deuils Oratour.
An Vlcer you may well chriften it, as an vlcer is
a fwelling, for it was a fwelling of ambition, no
modefl petition of anie merit of yours that did
craue it.

The olde Foxe Dolt our Feme throughly dis-
couered you for a yoong Soppe, or elfe halfe a
word of our high Chauncelors commendation had
ftood with him inuiolable as an Adt of Parliament.

Great men, in writing to thofe they are ac-
quainted with, haue priuie watch-wordes of

233 FOVRE LETTERS

denyall, euen in the higheft degree of praifing ;
they haue many followers, whofe dutifuU feruice
muft not bee difgrac'd with a bitter repulfe in
anie fuite, though vnlawfull.

It may bee, fome of thefe long deferuers of his
followers labourd him for thee: hee, like Argus,
hauing eyes that pierce into all eftates, faw thee
when thou wert vnfeene of thy felfe, and knowing
thee to bee vnworthy / of any place of worth,
would not difcountenance his men in fo fmal a
matter, but writ for thee very vehemently out-
wardly, when the foule of his letter (into which
thy fliallowe braine could not defcend) included
thy vtter miflike.

Tong bloud is hot, youth hajiie, ingenuitie open,
abuje impatient, choller ftomachous, temptations bufie.
In a word, the Gentleman was vext, and cutte his
bridle for verie anger.

The tickling and ftirring inueSiiue vaine, the
puffing andjwelling Satiricall Jpirit came vpon him,
as it came vpon Cop finger and A[r'\thington, when
they mounted into the peafe-cart in Cheape-fide
and preacht : needes hee muft caft vp certaine
crude humours of English Hexameter Verfes that
lay vppon his ftomacke : a Noble-man ftoode in
his way, as he was vomiting, and from top to toe
he all to berayd him with 'Tufcanijme.

The Mappe of Cambridge lay not farre off

CONFUTED. 233

when he was in the depth of his drudgery, fome
part of the excrements of his anger fell vpon it :
poor Dodtour Perms pifture ftoode in a corner
of that Mappe, and by the mifdemeanour of his
mouth it was cleane defac'd.

Signior Immerito (fo called becaufe he was and is
his friend vndeferuedly) was counterfeitly brought
in to play a part in that his Enterlude of Epiftles
that was hift at, thinking his very name (as the
name of Ned Allen on the common ftage) was able
to make an ill matter good.

I durft on my credit vndertake, Spencer was no
way priuie to the committing of them to the print.
Committing I may well call it, for in my opinion
G. H. fhould not haue reapt fo much difcredite by
beeing com/mitted to Newgate, as by committing
that milbeleeuing profe to the Prefle.

I haue vfually feene vncircumcifed doltage haue
the porch of his Panim pilfries very hugely peftred
with praifes. Hay gee (Gentlemen) comes in with
his Plowmans whiftle in prayfe of Peter Scurje the
penne-man, and 'Turlery Ginkes, in a light foote
ligge, libels in commendation of Httle witte verie
loftily; but for an Author to renounce his Chriften-
dome to write in his owne commendation, to refufe
the name which his Godfathers and Godmothers
gaue him in his baptifme, and call himfelfe a well-
wilier to both the writers, when hee is the onely

234 FOURE LETTERS

writer himfelfe ; with what face doe you thinke he
can aunfwere it at the day of iudgement ? Eft in
te fades Junt apti lufibus anni : Gabriell, thou canfl:
play at faft and loofe as well as anie man in
England.

I will not lye and backbite thee as thou haft
done mee, but are not thefe thy wordes to the
curteous Buyer ?

Shew mee or Immerito, two Englijh letters in
print, in all fointes equall to thefe, both for the matter
it Jelfe, and alfo for the manner of handling, and fay
wee neuerfaw good Englijh in our Hues.

Againe, / efteeme them for two of the rareft and
fineft treaties, as well for ingenuous deuifing, as
fignificani vttering, iff cleanly conueying of his matter,
that euer I read in this tongue, ^ I hartily thank
God for beftowing vpon vs Juch proper and able men
with their penne.

You muft conceit, hee was his chamber-fellowe
welwillers cloke, when he fpake this : the white-
liuerd flaue was modeft, and had not the hart to
fay fo much in his owne perfon, but he muft put
on the vizard of an vndijcreete friend.

It / is not worth the rehearfal : he fcribled it in
ieaft for exercife of his fpeech and ftile, i^c., and it
was the finifter hap of thoje vnfortunate letters to be
derided & fcoft at throughout the whole realme.

'The fharpeft part of them were read ouer at

CONFUTED. 235

Counjell Table, and he referd ouer to the Fleet,
to beare his old verfe-fellow noble M. Valanger
company.

There was no remediefor it but melancholy patience.

A recantation he was glad to make by way
of articles or ■pofitions, which hee moderates with
a milder name of an afologie, & that recantation
purchaft his libertie. Wherefore in grateful lieu
of the benefit he receiu'd by it {although he hath
hitherto yryffOTt\i\\y fupfrejt it) yet he means to take
occafion by this extraordinary prouocation to publijh
it, with not Jo few as fortie Juch Academicall escer-
cijes, andjundrie other politike difcourfes.

And I deeme he will be as good as his word,
for euer yet it hath beene his wont, if he writ but
a letter to any friend of his, in the way of thanks
for the potte of butter, gamon of bacon, or cheefe
that he fent to him, ftraight to giue coppies of it
abroad in the world, and propound it to yong
gentlemen he came in company with, as a more
neceflary & refined methode of familiar Epiftles
than the Englifh tongue had hitherto been
priuie to.

Lord that men fhoulde bee fo malitioufly bent to
frame a matter ofjome thing : he takes a pleafurable
delight to behaue him/elf Jo that he may be laught
at : how would you prate and infult, if you knewe
as much by him, as he knows by himfelfe.

236 FOURE LETTERS

Najhe, do thy worft, the three brothers bid a
Fico for thee : difcommend thou them neuer fo
much, they will palpably praife, and fo confequently
difpraife, / themfelues more in one booke they fet
foorth, than thou canft difparage them in tenne :
yea, rather than faile, Maifter Bird fhall leaue
coppying out letters of newes, and meeter it mis-
chieuoufly in maintenance of their fcurrilitifhip and
ruditie.

Three to one, far ma foy, is oddes : not one of
them writes an Almanacke, but hee reckons vp all
his brothers.

Bee it fpoken heere in priuate, Mufa Richardetti
fratrizat fat bene pretty : the Mufe of dappert
Dickie doth fing as fweet as a cricket.

Nojii manum £5? ftilum, Gabriel ? it is thine owne
verfe in jEdes Valdinenfes, all faue the inferting of
pretty inftead of certe, for rimes fake.

Had phifition lohn liu'd, or not dyde, a little
afore Dog-dayes, a finode of Pifpots would haue
concluded, that Pierce Pennilejfe fliould be con-
fouded without repriue.

The Spanyards cald their inuafiue fleete agaynft
England the Nauie inuincible, yet it was ouercome.
Lowe ftirubbes haue. outliu'd high Cedars: one
true man is ftronger than two theeues : Gabriell
& Richard, I proclaime open warres with you :
March on, locus, Ludus, Lepos, my valiaunt men

CONFUTED. 237

at armes, and forrage the- frontiers of his Fantajii-
callitie as you haue begun.

Tubalcan, alias Tuhall, firft founder of Farriers
Hall, heere is a great complaint made, that
vtriujque Academiie Robertus Greene hath mockt
thee, becaufe hee faide, that thou wert the firft
inuenter of Muficke : fo Gahriell Howliglajfe was
the firft inuenter of English Hexameter verfes.
^id refpondes ? canft thou brooke it, yea or no ?
Is it any treafon to thy well tuned hammers to fay
they begat fo renowmed a childe as Mu/ficke?
Neither thy hammers nor thou, I know, if they
were put to their booke oaths, will euer fay it.

The Hexamiter verfe, I graunt to be a Gentle-
man of an auncient houfe (fo is many an englifh
begger), yet this Clyme of ours hee cannot thriue
in ; our fpeech is too craggy for him to fet his
plough in : hee goes twitching and hopping in our
language like a man running vpon quagmiers, vp
the hill in one Syllable, and down the dale in
another, retaining no part of that ftately fmooth
gate, which he vaunts himfelfe with amongft the
Greeks and Latins.

Homer and Virgil, two valorous Authors, yet were
they neuer knighted : they wrote in Hexameter
verfes : Ergo, Chaucer, and Spencer, the Homer and
Virgil of England, were farre ouerfeene that they
wrote not all their Poems in Hexamiter verfes alfo.

238 POURE LETTERS

In many Countries veluet and Satten is a com-
moner weare than cloth among vs : Ergo, wee
muft leaue wearing of cloth, and goe euerie one
in veluet and fatten, becaufe other Countries vfe
fo.

The text will not beare it, good Gilgilis Hobber-
dehoy.

Our engli/h tongue is nothing too good, but too bad
to imitate the Greeke and Latine.

Mafter Stannyhurfl (though otherwife learned)
trod a foule lumbring boyftrous wallowing meafure,
in his tranflation of Virgil. He had neuer been
praifd by Gabriel for his labour, if therein hee had
not bin fo famoufly abfurd.

Greene for difpraifing his praftife in that kinde,
is the Greene Maijier of the blacke Art, the founder
of vglie oathes, the father of mifbegotten Infortunatus,
the Jcriuener of Crojfebiters, the Patriark of Shifters,
&c. The Monarch of Crojfebiters, the wretched
fellowe Prince / of Beggars : Emperour of Shifters,
hee had cald him before, but like a drunken
man, that remembers not in the morning what
he fpeakes ouer night, ftill he fetcheth Metaphors
from conny-catchers, & doth nothing but torment
vs with tautologies.

Why thou arrant butter whore, thou cotqueane
& fcrattop of fcoldes, wilt thou neuer leaue afflid-
ing a dead Carcafle, continually read the rethorick

CONFUTED. 239

ledlure of Ramme Allie ? a wifpe, a wifpe, rippe,
rippe, you kitchin-ftufFe wrangler !

Wert thou put in the Fleete for pamphleting ?
Bedlem were a meeter place for thee. Be not
afhamd of your promotion : they did you honor
that faid you were Fleete-bound, for men of honor
haue failde in that Fleete.

Waft paper made thee betake thy felfe to Limbo
Patrum : had it beene a booke that had beene
vendible yet, the opproby had beene the lefle, but
for Chandlers merchandize to be fo mafTacred,
for ftieets that ferue for nothing but to wrappe
the excrements of hufwiuerie in, Proh Deum, what
a fpite is it. I haue feene your name cutte with a
knife in a wall of the Fleete, I, when I went to
vifit a friend of mine there.

Let Maifter Butler of Cambridge, his teftimoniall
end this controuerfie, who at that time that thy
ioyes were in the Fleeting, and thou crying for the
Lords fake out at an iron windowe, in a lane not
farre from Ludgate hill, queftiond fome of his
companions verie inquifitiuelie that were newlie
come from London, what nouelties they brought
home with them, amongft the reft, he broke into
this Hexamiter interrogatorie very abruptlie.

But ah what newes doe you heare of that good Gabriel huffe

fnuffe,
Knowne to the world for a foole, and clapt in the Fleete for a

Rimer.

240 FOURE LETTERS

Ift true Gibraltar ? haue I found you ? It was
not without foundation that you burft into that
magnifical infultation, — I that in my yovth

FLATTERD NOT MY SELFE, &C., for M. Butkr,

for a Phifition being none of the leaft Schollers,
hath commended you exceedingly for a foole & a
Rimer. He that threatned to conjure vp Martins
wit, hath written fome thing too, in your praife, in
Paphatchet : for all you accufe him to haue courtlie
incenft the Earle of Oxford againft you. Marke
him well : hee is but a little fellow, but hee hath
one of the beft wits in England. Should he take
thee in hand againe (as he flieth from fuch in-
feriour concertation), I prophecie that there woulde
more gentle Readers die of a merrie mortality,
ingendred by the eternall iefts he would maule thee
with, than there haue done of this laft infedtion.
I my felf, that inioy but a mite of wit in com-
parifon of his talet, in pure affedtion to my natiue
country, make my ftile carry a prefTe faile, am fain
to cut off half the ftreame of thy fport-breeding
confufion, for feare it fhoulde caufe a generall
hicket throughout England.

Greene, I can fpare thy reuenge no more roome
in this booke : thou haft Phifition lohn with thee ;
cope thou with him, & let me alone with the
Ciuilian & Deuine, whom, if I liue, I will fo vn-
ceflantly haunt, that to auoid the hot chafe of my

CONFUTED. 241

fierie quill, they flialbe conftraind to enfconfe them-
felues in an olde Vrinall cafe that their brother
left behind him. Yet ere I bid thee good night,
receiue fome notes as touching his phificallity
deceafed. He had his grace to be Doctor ere he died.
As time may worke all things. In Norfolke where
hee fraSlifed, he was reputed a proper toward man
at a medicine for the toot hake, &? one of the Jkilfullefi
Phifttions, in cafting the heauens water, that euer
came there.

How I well beloued of the chiefefi Gentlemen (fff
Gentlewomen efpecially) in that /hire, it is incredible
to bee fpoken. Aftra petit difertus : hee is gone
to heauen to write more Aftrologicall difcourfes :
his brothers liue to inherite his olde gownes, and
remember his notable fayings, amongft the which
was one : Vale Galene, farewell, mine owne deare
Gabriell: Valete humana artes, heart and good
will, but neuer a ragge of money,

'Tunc tua res agitur paries cum proximus ardet.

Cloth-breeches houfe is burnt, and the flame
goes a feafting*to Pierce Penilejfe houfe next.

Neuer til now, Gregory Habberdine, went thy
foure letters vp Newgate, vp Hofburne, vp Tiburne,
to hanging.

Gentlemen, by that which hath been already
laid open, I doe not doubt but you are vnwauer-
ingly refolued, this indigefted Chaos of Docftour-

N. II. 16

242 FOURS LETTERS

fhip, and greedy pothunter after applaufe, is ah
apparant Publican and finner, a felfe-loue furfetted
fot, a broken-winded galdbacke lade, that hath
borne vp his head in his time, but now is quite
foundred & tired; a fcholler in nothing but the
fcum of fchollerfhip, a ftale foker at Tullies Offices,
the droane of droanes, and maifter drumble-bee of
non proficients. What hath he wrote but hath
had a wofuU end ? When did he difpute but hee
duld all his auditorie ? his Poetry more fpiritlefle
than fmal beere, his Oratory Arts baftard, not able
to make a man rauifhingly weepe, that hath an
Onion at his eye. In Latin, like a loufe, he hath
manie legges, many lockes fleec'd from Tullie, to
carry away and cloath a little body of matter,
but yet hee moues but flowly, is apparaild verie
poorely.

In Englifh, ice is not fo cold, yet on the ice of
ignorance / will he Aide. No wife man pittie him
that perifheth fo wilfully.

ludge the world, iudge the higheft Courts of
appeale from the mifcarried worlds iudgement
(Cambridge and Oxford) wherein I haue tres-
pafled in Pierce Pennilejfe, that hee fhould talke
of gna/hing of teeth, yong Phaetons, yong Icari,
yong Chorebi, young Babingtons.

Neuer was I in earneft, til thus he twitted me
with the comparifon of a traitour.

CONFUTED. 243

Babington, high was thy birth, I a bondflaue of
fortune in coraparifon of thee : thy fall greater
than Phaetons, thy offence as heynous as ludajfes.
May neuer more fuch foule feeds of offence be
fowne in fo faire a fhape, may they be markt
alwayes to mifchiefe that meane as thou didft.
The braunches of thy ftocke remaines yet vn-
blafted with anie difobedience. God forbid that
our forheades fhould euer bee blotted with our
forefathers mifdemeanors. Die, ill deeds, with
your vngratious ill dooers: the liuing haue no
portion with the dead: hell once paid his due,
heauen gates are open to fucceeding pofteritie.

Prate of Pierce Pennelejfe and his falirie as long
as thou wilt, I will play at put-pinne with thee for
all that thou art woorth, but of thy betters gette
thee a better difcourfing penne before thou des-
cantes of,

L. Greenes inwardefi companion pinched with
•want, vexed with dijcredit, tormented, with other
mens felicitie, and ouerwhelmed with his own mijerie,
in a rauing and frantike moode, mofi dejferately ex-
hibiteth a Supplication to the DeuilL

C. Heerein thou thinkeft thou haft won the
fpurs from all writers, but God and Dame Fidtion
knows thou / art farre wide of thy ayme ; for
neither was I Greenes companion any more than
for a carowfe or two, nor pincht with any vn-

244 FOURS LETTERS

gentleman-like want when I inuented Pierce Penni-
lejfe.

Pauper non eft cut rerum Juppetit vfus : only the
difcontented meditation of learning, generally now
a dayes little valued, and her profeflbrs fet at
naught & difhartened, caufed mee to handle that
plaintife fubiedt more ferioufly.

Vext with dijcredit (Gabriel) I neuer was, as thou
haft beene euer fince Familiaritas peperit contemptu,
thy familiar epiftles brought thee into contempt.

Though I haue been pincht with want (as who
is not one time or another, Pierce Pennilejfe') yet
my mufe neuer wept for want of maintenance as
thine did in Mujarum lachrima, that was miferably
flouted at in M. Winkfields Comcedie of Pedantius
in Trinitie CoUedge.

How am I tormented with other mens felicitie,
otherwife tha faying, I know a Cobler that was
worth fiue hundred pound, an hoftler that had
built a goodly Inne, & might difpend forty pound
yearely by his land, a Carman that had whipt a
thoufand pound out of his horfe taile; if I had
likewife reckond vp a ropemaker, that by tor-
menting of hempe, & going backward (which the
Deuill would nere doe) had turnd as many Mill
fixpences ouer the thumbe, as kept three of his
fonnes at Cambridge a long time, & that which is
more, three proud fonnes, that when they met the

CONFUTED. 24s

hangman (their Fathers beft chapman) would fcarfe
put of their hats to him, why then thou fhouldft
haue had fome colour of quarell: thy accufatio
might iuftly haue enterd his title pro arts et fociSi
whereas now it is friuolous and forcelefle.

The / fharpeft wits, I perceiue, haue none of the
beft memories : if they had, thou wouldft nere haue
toucht mee with tormenting my felfe with other
mens felicitie ; for how didft thou torment thyfelfe
with other mens felicitie when in the 28 page of
thy firft tome of Epiftles, thou exclaimft, that in no
age Jo little was Jo much made of, nothing advaunfi
to be Jomething, Numbers made of Ciphars, that is,
by interpretatio, all thofe that were aduaunft either
in the Court or commonwealth at that time, had
little to commend them, nothing in account worthy
preferment, but were meere meacocks & Ciphars
in comparifon of thy excellent out-caft felfe that
liu'dft in Cambridge vnmounted.

Hang thee, hang thee, thou common coofener
of curteous readers, thou grofle fliifter for fhitten
tapfterly iefts, haue I imitated Tarltons play of the
Jeaven deadly Jinnes in my plot of Pierce Penilejfe ?
whom haft thou not imitated then in the courfe
of thy booke ? thou haft borrowed aboue twenty
phrafes and epithites from mee, which in fober
fadnefle thou makft vfe of as thy owne, when thou
wouldft exhort more effedtuall.

246 FOURE LETTERS

Is it lawfull but for one preacher to preach of
the ten commandements ? hath none writ of the
fiue fenfes but Ariftotle} was finne fo vtterly
abolifhed with tarltons play of the feuen deadly
fins, that ther could be nothing faid fupra of that
argument ?

Canfl: thou exemplifie vnto mee (thou impotent
moate-catching carper) one minnum of the par-
ticular deuice of his play that I purloind ? There
be manie men of one name that are nothing a
kindred. Is there any further diftribution of
fins, not fhadowed vnder thefe 7 large fpreading
branches of iniquity, on which a man may worke,
and not tread on Tarletom heeles ? / If not, what
blemiih is it to Fierce Pennilejfe to begin where the
Stage doth ende, to build vertue a Church on that
foundation that the Deuill built his Chappell ?

Gabriell, if there be anie witte or induftrie in
thee, now I will dare it to the vttermoft : write of
what thou wUt, in what language thou wilt, and I
will confute it and anfwere it. Take truths part,
and I wil proue truth to be no truth, marching out
of thy dug-voiding mouth.

Diuinitie I except, which admits no dalliance:
but in any other art or profeffion, of which I am
not yet free, and thou flialt challenge me to trie
maiftries in. He bind my felfe Prentife too, and
ftudie throughly, though it neuer ftand mee in

CONFUTED. 247

any other ftead while I Hue, but to make one
reply, only becaufe I wil haue the laft word of
thee,

I would count it the greateft punifhment that
In Jpeech could lay vpon mee, to be bound to
ftudie the Danifh tongue, which is able to make
any Englifhman haue the mumpes in his mouth,
that fliall but plunge through one full point of
it, yet the Danifh tongue, or any Turks, or hogs
or dogs tongue whatfoeuer, would I learne rather
than bee put downe by fuch a ribauldry Don Diego
as thou art.

Heigh drawer, fill vs a frefli quart of new-found
phrafes, fince Gahriell faies we borrow all our
eloquence from Tauerns: but let it be of the
mighty Burdeaux grape, pure vino de monte, I
coniure thee, by the fame token that the Deuils
dauncing Jchoole in the bottome of a mans pur/e that
is emptie, hath beene a gray-beard Prouerbe
two hundred yeares before 'Tarlton was borne:
Ergo, no gramercy, Dicke Tarlton. But the
fumme of Jummes is this, I drinke to you,
M. Gahriell, on / that condition, that you fhall
not excruciate your braine to be conceited, and
haue no wit.

Since we are here, on our prating bench in a
clofe roome, and that there is none in company
but you, my approoued good friends, foure Letters

248 FOURE LETTERS

and certain Sonnets, your Pages, I will rehearfe vnto
you fome part of the Methode of my demeanour
in Vierce Pennilejfe.

Firft, in fo much as the principall fcope of it is
a moft liuelie anatomic of finne, the diuell is made
fpeciall fuperuifor of it, to him it is dedicated : as
if a man fhoulde compile a curious examined
difcouerie of whoredome, and dedicate it to the
quarter Maifters of Bridewell, becaufe they are
beft able to punifh it.

Wherfore as there is no fire without fome
fmoke, no complaint without fome precedent caufe
of aggreeuance, I introduce a difcontented Scholler
vnder the perfon of Pierce PennileJJe, tragicallie
exclaiming vpon his partial-feid fortune, that kept
an Almes boxe of compaflion in ftore for euery
one but himfelfe. He tels how he toft his
imagination like a dogge in a blanket, fearcht
euerie corner of the houfe of Charitie, to fee if
he could light on any that would fet a new nappe
of an old threedbare Cloake : but, like him that
hauing a letter to deliuer to a Scottifh Lorde,
when hee came to his houfe to enquire for him,
found no bodie at home but an ape that fate in
the Porch and made mops and mows at him ; fo
he, deliuering his vnperufde papers in Powles
Churchyard, the firft that took them vp was the
Ape Gabriel, who made mops and mows at them.

CONFUTED. 249

beflauering the outfide of them a little, but could
not enter into the contents, which was an afe
beyonde his vnderftanding.

With / the firfl: and fecond leafe hee plaies verie
pretilie, and in ordinarie termes of extenuating,
verdits Fierce Pennilejfe for a Grammar Schoolewit;
faies his Margine is as deeflie learnd as Faufte
praecor gelida, that his Mu/e Jobbeth and groneth
verie piteoujlie, bids him not cafi himjelf headlong
into the horrible gulph of defperation, comes ouer
him that hee is a creature of wonderfull hope, as his
own infpired courage diuinely fuggefteth, wils him
to inchaunt Jome magnificent Mecenas, to honour
himfelfe in honouring him, with a hundred fuch
grace-wanting Ironies, cutte out againft the woll,
that woulde leopard the beft ioint of Poetica
Licentia to procure laughter, when there crinckled
crabbed countenance (the verie refemblance of a
fodden dogges face) hath fworne it woulde neuer
confent thereunto.

Not the moft exquifite thing that is, but the
Coufel Table Afle, Richard Clarke, may fo Car-
terly deride.

Euerie milke-maide can gird with III true?
How faie you lo ? who would haue thought it ?
Good Beare, bite not ? A man is a man, though
hee hath but a hofe on his head.

No fuch light paiment, Gabriel, haft thou at my

250 FOURS LETTERS

hands : I tell thee where, when, and hoW thou
fhewdft thy felfe a Dunfiuall.

Onely externall defefts thou cafts in my difh :
nothing internall in thee, but I prooue that it is
altogether excrementaU.

A fewe Elegiacall verfes of mine thou pluckefl;
in pieces moft ruthfullie, and quotes them againfl:
mee as advantageable, together with fome difmem-
bred Margine notes, but all is inke call away, you
recouer no cofts and charges. With one minutes
ftudie He diftroie more, than thou art able to build
in ten dales.

Squeife/thy hart into thy inkehorne, and it fliall
but congeal into clodderd garbage of confutatio,
thy foule hath no efFeds of a foule, thou canft not
fpi-inkle it into a fentence, & make euerie line
leape like a cup of neat wine new powred out,
as an Orator muft doe that lies aright in wait for
mens afFe6lions.

Whome haft thou wonne to hate mee by light
crawling ouer my Text like a Cankerworme ?

Some fuperficial flime of poifon haft thou driueld
from thy pen in thy ftiallow footed Aiding through
my Supplication, which one pen ful of repurified
inke will exceffiuelie wafti out. Shall I informe
thee (that vnfruitfullie endeuorft to informe autho-
ritie againft me) why I infixed thofe Poeticall latine
marget notes to fome fewe pages in the beginning

CONFUTED. 251

of Pierce Pennileffe ? I did it to explaine to fuch
expefted fpiefaults as thou art, that it was no
vncouth abhorrencie from the cuftome of former
writers, for a man openly to bewaile his vndeferued
deftenie.-

In the vncafing of thy brother Richard, I cal-
culated the Natiuitie of the AJirologicall Dijcourje :
I apparentlie fuggefted what a lewd piece of Pro-
phecie it was: I regiftred the infinite fcorne that
the whole Realme entertaind it with, the Adages
that ran vpon it, 'Tarltons and Eldertons nigrum
THETA fet to it, yet wilt thou, that art the fonne
and heire to fhamelefle impudence, the vnlineall
vfurper of iudgement from all his true owners, the
Hoyden and pointing ftock recreation of Trinitie
hall, Vanitas vanitatis & omnia vanitas, inueft that
in the higheft throne of Art and Schollerfhip, which
a fcrutinie of fo manie millions of wel difcerning
condemnations hath concluded to be viler than
newesmungrie, & that which is vileft of all, no
lefle vile than thy Epiftles.

Moft / voices, moft voices, moft voices ; who is
on my fide who ? Whether is the AJirologicall
Dijcourje a better booke than Pierce Pennilejfe}
Gabriel hangtelow faies it is : I am the Defendant,
and denie it, and yet I doe not ouercuU my owne
workes : His affertion he countermures him thus :

Pierce Pennileffe is a man better acquainted with

252 FO URE LETTERS

the Diuels of hell than the Starres of Heauen : Ergo,
the Aflrologicall Difcourfe is better than the notorious
diabolicall difcourfe of Pierce PennilefTe.

Once againe I denie his Argument to bee of
lawful! age. Tierce Pennilejfe is a better Star-
munger than a Diuelmunger, which needeth no
other FOR to corroberate it but this, that my yea,
at all times, is as good as his nay.

How is the Supplication a diabolicall Difcourfe,
otherwife than as it intreats of the diuerfe natures
and properties of Diuils and fpirits ? in that far
fetcht fenfe may the famous defenfatiue againji
fuppofed Prophecies, and the Difcouerie of Witch-
craft be called notorious Diabolicall difcourfes, as
well as the Supplication, for they alfo intreate of
the illufions and fundrie operations of fpirits:
Likewife may I fay that thofe his foure Letters
nowe on their triall, are foure notorious lowfie
Difcourfes, becaufe they lyingly difcourfe litde
elfe faue Greenes lowfie eftate before his death.

M. Churchyard, our old quarrel is renued, when
nothing elfe can bee faftned on mee: this Letter
leapper vpbraideth mee with crying you mercie : I
cannot tell, but I think you will haue a faying to
him for it. Ther's no reafon that fuch a one as
he fhould prefume to intermeddle in your matters,
it cannot be done with any intent but to ftirre mee
vp to write againft you afrefli, / which nothing

CONFUTED. 253

vnder heau'n fhall draw mee to doe. . I love you
vnfainedly, and admire your aged Mufe, that may
well be grand-mother to our grandeloquenteft
Poets at this prefent :

SanSlum fcf venerabile vetus omne Poema.

Shores wife is yong, though you be ftept in
yeares, in her fhall you Hue when you are dead.

For that vnadvifed indammagement I haue done
you heretofore. He be your champion henceforward
againft any that dare write againft you. Onely as
euer you would light vpon a good cuppe of old
facke when you are moft drie, pocket not vp this
flie abufe at a rakehell rampalions hands, one that,
when an iniurie is deepe buried in the graue of
obliuion, ftiaU feeke to digge it vp againe, recall
that into mens memories which was confumed and
forgotten.

Whorefon Ninihammer, that wilt aflault a man
& haue no ftronger weapons.

The Italian faith, a man muft not take know-
ledge of iniurie till he be able to reuenge it.

Nay but, in plaine good fellowftiip, art thou fo
innocent &c vnconceiuing that thou fliouldft ere
hope to dafh mee quite out of requeft by telling
mee of the Counter, and my hojiejfe Penia ?

I yeeld that I haue dealt vpon fpare com-
modities of wine and capons in my dales, I haue

254 FOURE LET2ERS

fung George Gafcoignes Counter-tenor ; what then ?
Wilt thou peremptorily define that it is a place
where no honeft man, or Gentleman of credit,
euer came ?

Heare what I fay : a Gentleman is neuer
throughly entred into credit till he hath beene
there; & that Poet, or nouice, be hee what he
will, ought to fufpeft his wit, and remaine halfe in
doubt that it is not authenticall, till it hath beene
feene and allowd in vnthrifts / confiftory.

Grande doloris ingenium. Let fooles dwell in
no ftronger houfes than their Fathers built them,
but I proteft I fliould neuer haue writ paffion well,
or beene a peece of a Poet, if I had not arriu'd in
thofe quarters.

Trace the gallanteft youthes and braueft reuellers
about Towne in all the by-paths of their expence,
& you fhaU vnfallibly finde, that once in their life
time they haue vifited that melancholy habitation.

Come, come : if you will goe to the found truth
of it, there is no place of the earth like it, to make
a man wife.

Cambridge and Oxford may ftande vnder the
elbowe of it.

I vow if I had a fonne, I would fooner fend him
to one of the Counters to learne lawe, than to the
Innes of Court or Chauncery,

My hojiejfe Penia, thals a bugges word : I pry

CONFUTED. 25s

thee what Morrall haft thou vnder it? I will
depofe, if thou wilt, that till now I neuer heard of
anie fuch Englifli name.

There is a certaine thing cald chrijiian veritie,
& another hight common Jenje, and a third cleapt
humilitie : they are more requifite and neceflary
for thee than modeftie or difcretion for mee and my
companions, of which thou fhouldft vnderftand, we
are fo well prouided that we can lend thee and thy
brother Richard a great deale, and yet keepe more
than wee fhall haue need of for ourfelues.

Wilt thou be fo hardy and iron-vifaged to gain-
fay that thy brother Vicars Batchlours hood was
not turnd ouer his eares for abufing of Jrijiotk ?
I know thou haft more grace than fo, thou doft
not contradift / it flatly, but flubbers it ouer faintly,
and comes to recapitulate, not confute fome of the
phrafes I vfde in the vnhandfoming of his diuiniti-
Ihip.

I my felfe, in the fame order of difgracing thou
Angles them foorth, will haue them vp againe, and
fee if thou, or anie man, can abfurdifie the worft of
them.

I fay, and will make it good t^at tn t!)e ^fttro^
loffitall aDiCtoutCe tl)j titot^^r (a0 if lice ^ali
lately caft t!)e iieau'nsf toatec, oc hztxiz at tlie
anatomijing of t^e ffeiegf intcaiks in ^ucgeonsf
iiall) propi)eaet|) of fuct) ttcanffc toonocrsi to

2,i6 FOURS LETTERS

txiim from tt)e ttarw^ Diffemperature, anti t\z
tinuruaU atiulten'e of plannetgs, a0 none but \zz
ti)at 10 hatoli to tfjofe celettiall botiies, coulD
tmx, lr£ftrp»

This too I will ratifie for truthable & legible
Englifli, tijat ^iiS Stftronomp broke i)t0 Daj toit^

1)10 Cr£llitor0, anU Saturne f lupiter ptOU'Il

tionetter men tiian all ttie toorlD toofee t|em
for*

"^liat t^e tobole (Kniberatie \\^ at \\xa.,
Tarlton at tl)e Theater malie ieatte0 of t)im, anti
Elderton confumed !)i0 ale trammeli nofe to
nothing:, in beare--baitins: i)im toitt to^ole buntiel0
of 2Ballali0.

All this he barely repeates without any difproue-
ment or denudation at all, as if it were fo lame in
it felfe that it would adnihilate it felfe with the
onelie rehearfall of it.

For the gentilitie of the Najhes (though it might
feeme a humor borrowed from thee to bragge of
it) yet fome of vs who neuer fought into it til
of late, can proue the extancy of our aunceftors
before there was ever a ropemaker in England.
Wee can vaunt larger petigrees than patrimonies,
yet of fuch extrinfecall things, common to tenne
thoufand calues and oxen, would I not willingly
vaunt, only it hath pleafed M. Printer, both in
this booke and Pierce Penilejfe, to intaile / a vaine

CONFUTED. 257

title to my name, which I care not for, without my
confent or priuitie I here auouch.

But on the gentilitie of T. N. his beard, the
maifter Butler of Pembroke hall, ftill I will ftand
to the death ; for it is the very prince Eledbor of
peaks, a beard that I cannot bee perfwaded but was
the Emperour Dionifius his, furnamed the Tyrant,
when hee playde the fchoolemaifter in Corinth.

Gabriell, thou haft: a prety polwigge fparrowes
tayle peake, yet maift thou not compare with his :
thy Father, for all by thy owne confeffion hee
makes haires, had neuer the art to twilt vp fuch a
grim triangle of haire as that.

Be not offended, honeft T. N., that I am thus
bold with thee, for I affedt thee for the names
fake, as much as any one man can do another, and
know thee to be a fine fellow, and fit to difcharge
a farre higher calling than that wherein thou liu'ft.

What more ftufFe lurketh behind in this letter
to be diftributed into ftiop-duft }

Pierce Pennilefle is as childijh and garijh a booke
as euer came in print : when he talks of the Jheepjh
dijcourje of the Lambe of God and his enemies, he
faies. It 10 monttrou0 anD aftCurl), anD not to hee
fufferli in a Clinttian conffceffatio ; ti)at 1R,ic!)atti
l)at!) Ccumli ouec t^e Ctiioolm^n, anti of t^t froti)
of f&eir follp malie a Uifij of 3Diuinitie bcetoeffe,
totltcl) t^e aooffjs tooulli not cate,

N. II. 17

258 FOURE LETTERS

If he faide fo (as hee did) and can proue it (as
hee hath done) by Sainte Lubecke, then The Lambe
of God is as childifh and garifh ftufFe as euer came
in print, indeede.

I, but how doth Pierce Pennilejfe expiate the
coinquination of thefe obieftions ?

Richard, whom {becauje hee is his brother, he
therefore / cenfures more curious and rigorous, in
calUng him M. H. than hee would haue done other-
wife') red the Philofofhie LeSlure in Cambridge with
good liking and fingular commendation, when A per
fe a was not fo much as Idoneus auditor ciuihs
fcientiae, Ergo, the Lambe of God beares a better
Fleece than hee giues out it doth.

A per fe a is imfrooued in nothing ftnce, excepting
his old Flores Poetarum and Tarletons furmounting
rethorique, with a little euphuifme and Greeneffe
inough.

Gabriel reports him to the fauourablefi opinion of
thofe that know A per fe a his Prefaces, rimes, and
the very timpanie of his T'arltonizing wit, his
Supplication to the Diuel.

Quiet your felues a litle, my Maifters, and you
fhal fee me difpearfe all thofe cloudes well inough.
That Richard red the Philofophie Lefture at
Cambridge, I doe not withftand, but how ?

Verie Lentenlie and fcantlie, (farre bee it wee
fhuld flander him fo much as his brother Richard

CONFUTED. 259

hath done, to faie he read it with good liking
and fingularitie). Credite mee, any that hath but
a little refufe Colloquium Latine, to interfeame a
Lefture with, and can faie but Giuapropter vos met
auditores, may reade with equiualent commendation
and liking.

I remember him woondrous well. In the chiefe
pompe of that his falfe praife, I both heard him,
and heard what was the vniuerfall flender valua-
tion of him.

There was eloquent Maifler Knox, (a man whofe
lofle all good learning can neuer fufficiently de-
plore) ; twas he and one Maifter lones of Trinitie
Colledge, that, in my time, with more fpeciall
approbation conuerft in thofe Readings.

Since / I haue heard of two rare yong men,
M. Meriton, and another, that in fupplying that
place of fucceffion haue furmounted all former
mediocritie, and wonne themfelues an euerlafting
good name in the Vniuerfitie.

Thefe thou fhouldft haue memoriz'd, if any,
but thou art giuen to fpeake well of none but thy
felfe and thy two brothers.

Thrice fruitfuU S. lohns, how many hundred
perfedter SchoUers than the three brothers haft
thou nurft at thy paps, that yet haue not fhakte
oiF obfcuritie .''

Mellifluous Pla YFERE, one of the chief props of

26o FQURE LETTERS

our aged & auntienteft, & abfoluteft Vniuerfities
prefent flouriftiing. Where doe thy fupereminent
gifts fhine to themfelues, that the Court cannot
bee acquainted with them?

Few fuch men fpeake out of Fames higheft
Pulpits, though out of her higheft Pulpits fpeake
the pureft of all fpeakers.

Let me adde one word, and let it not bee thought
derogatorie to anie. I cannot bethinke mee of
two in England in all things comparable to him
for his time. Seldome haue I beheld fo pregnant
a pleafaunt wit coupled with a memorie of fuch
huge incomprehenfible receipt, deepe reading and
delight, better mixt than in his Sermons.

Sed quorjum hac, how doe thefe digreflions linke
in yf'ithoMt fubieSium circa quod?

Flaunting Richard and his Philofophie Ledlure,
was vnder our fingers euen now, howfoeuer wee
haue loft him. Hold the candle, and you fhall
fee me caft a figure for him extempore : Oh hoh,
I haue founde him without any further feeking.
Giue me your eares : lo j Pcean, God faue them,
they are long ones.

Now, betweene you and me declare, as if you
were at fhrift, whether you be not a fuperlatiue
blocke for al you readd the Philofophie Ledture
at Cambridge : Brieflie, brieflie : let mee not ftand
all dale about you.

CONFUTED. 261

His confcience accufeth him, hee is ftroke ftarke
dumbe ; onely by fignes he craues to bee admitted
in forma -pauperis, that we fhould let him pafle
for a pore fellow, and he will fell his birthright in
learning, with EJau, for a mefle of porrige.

Cura leues loquuntur : he hath but a little cure
to look too. Maiores ftupent, more liuing would
make him ftudie more.

For this once wee difpence with you, becaufe
you looke fo penitentlie on it, but let me not catch
you felling any more fuch twife fodden fawduft
diuinitie as the Lambe of God and his enemies, for
if I do. He make a dearth of paper in Pater-nofter-
rowe (fuch as was not this feauen yeare) onelie
with writing againft thee.

A per fe a can doe it : tempt not his clemencie
too much. Aperje a ?

Paffion of God, howe came I by that name?
My godfather Gabriel gaue it mee, and I muft not
refufe it. Nor if you were priuie whence it came
would you hold it worthie to be refufed ; for
before I had the reuerfion of it hee beftow'd it
on a Nobleman, whofe new fafhiond apparell and
Tufcanifh gefiures, cringing fide necke, eies glancing,
fifnomie Jmerking hauing defcribed to the full, he
concludes with this verfe :

Euerie inch A per fe a his termes and braueries
in print.

262 FOURE LETTERS

Hold you your peace Najhe : that was before
you were Idoneus auditor ciuilis Jcientia. It may bee
fo, for thou wert a Libeller before I was borne.
Yet vnder / corredtion bee it fpoken, I haue come
to the fchooles and purg'd rheume in my time,
when your brother was Philofophie Lefturer ; he
wanted nofupplo/us pedu, to fpend away his houre,
that I could help him with.

What Jince I am improued you partly haue
■ prooued to your coft ; and may doe more at large,
if God fend vs more leyfure.

As for Flores Poetarum, they are flowers that yet
I neuer fmelt too. He pawne my hand to a halfe-
penny, I haue read more good Poets thorough
than thou euer hardfl: of

The floures of your Foure Letters it may be I
haue ouerlookt more narrowlie, and done my beft
deuoire to afTemble them together into patheticall
pofie, which I will here prefent to Mailter Orator
Edge for a Newyeares gift, leauing them to his
wordie difcretion to be cenfured, whether they be
currant in inkehornifme or no.

Conjcius mind : canicular tales : egregious an argu-
ment : when as egregious is neuer vfed in englijh
but in the extreame ill part. Ingenuitie : louiall
mind : valarous Authors : inckehorne aduentures :
nckehorne pads : putatiue opinions : putatiue artijis :
energeticall perjuaftons : Rafcallitie : materiallitie :

CONFUTED. 263

artificiallitie : FantafticalUtie : diuine Entelechy :
loud Mentery : deceitfull perfidy : addicted to Theory :
the worlds great Incendiarie : Jirenized furies : /cue-
raigntie immenje : abundant Cauteles : cautelous and
aduentrous : cordiall liquor: Catilinaries and
Phillipicks : perfunStorie dijcourjes : Dauids Jweet-
nes olimpique : the Idee high and deepe AbiJJe of
excellence: The only Vnicorne of the Mufes : the
Aretenifh mountaine of huge exaggerations: The
gratious law of Amnefty : amicable termes : amicable
end : j EffeSuate : addoulce his melodie : Magy poli-
mechany : extenjiuely emploied: precious Traynment :
Nouellets : Notorietie negotiation : mechanician.

Nor are thefe all, for euerie third line hath fome
of this ouer-rackt abfonifme. Nor do I altogether
fcum off all thefe as the newe ingendred fome of
the Englifh, but alio we fome of them for a neede
to fill vp a verfe ; as Traynment, and one or two
wordes more, which the libertie of profe might
well haue fpar'd. In a verfe, when a worde of
three fiUables cannot thruft in but fidelings, to
ioynt him euen, we are oftentimes faine to borrowe
fome lefler quarry of elocution from the Latine,
alwaies retaining this for a principle, that a leake
of indefinence, as a leake in a fhippe, muft needly
bee ftopt with what matter foeuer.

Chaucers authoritie, I am certaine, fhalbe al-
leadgd againft me for a many of thefe baldudums.

264 FOURE LETTERS

Had Chaucer liu'd to this age, I am verily per-
fwaded hee would haue difcarded the tone halfe
of the harftier fort of them.

They were the Ooufe which ouerflowing bar-
barifme, withdrawne to her Scottifli Northren
chanell, had left behind her. Art, like yong
grafle in the fpring of Chaucers florifhing, was
glad to peepe vp through any flime of corrup-
tion, to be beholding to fhe car'd not whome
for apparaile, trauailing in thofe colde countries.
There is no reafon that fhee, a banifht Queene
into this barraine foile, hauing monarchizd it fo
long amongft the Greeks and Romanes, fhould
(although warres furie had humbled her to fome
extremitie) ftill be conftrained, when fhe hath
recouerd her ftate, to weare the robes of aduerfitie,
iet it in her old rags, when (he is wedded to new
profperitie.

Yttre I moribus ■prateritis, faith Caius Cajar in
Aulus Gellius, loquere verbis prafentibus.

Thou art mine enemie, Gabriell, and, that which
is more, a contemptible vnder-foote enemie, or elfe
I would teach thy old Trewantjhip the true vfe of
words, as alfo how more inclinable verfe is than
profe, to dance after the horrizonant pipe of
inueterate antiquitie.

It is no matter, fince thou haft brought godly
inftrudion out of loue with thee, vfe thy own

CONFUTED. 265

deftrudion, raigne fole Emperour of inkehornifme :
I wifh vnto thee all fuperabundant increafe of the
Angular gifts of abfurditie, and vaine glory : from
this time forth for euer, euer, euer, euermore maift
thou be canonized as the Nonparreille of impious
epiftlers, the fliort ftiredder out of fandy fentences
without lime, as ^intilUan tearmed Seneca all lime,
and no fande, all matter and no circumftance ; the
fadlor for the Fairies and night Vrchins, in fup-
planting and fetting afide the true children of
the Engliih, and fuborning inkehorne changlings
in their fteade, the galemafrier of all ftiles in one
ftandifh, as imitating euerie one, & hauing no
feperate forme of writing of thy owne ; and to
conclude, the onely feather-driuer of phrafes, and
putter of a good word to it when thou haft once
got it, that is betwixt this and the Alpes. So
bee it worlde without ende. Chroniclers heare my
praiers : good Maifter Stowe, be not vnmindfull
of him.

Thats well remembred, now I talke of Chroni-
clers : I founde the Aftrologicall difcourfe the other
night in the Chronicle. Gabriell will outface vs, it
is a worke of fuch deepe arte & iudgement, when
it is expreflly paft vnder record for a coofening
prognoftication. The wordes are thefe, though
fomewhat abbreui / ated, for he makes a long
circumlocution of it.

266 FOURE LETTERS

3ti tl)e peace 1583, bp meane0 of an aflrolofficall
liircourre tippon t\z great anli notable coniunttion
of Saturne anti lupiter, tl)e common fort of people
toece almott tici'u'n out of ttieir toitg, anli bneto
not to^at to tioe j but tolien no fuel) ttiing: ^apneti,
tt)ep fell to tl)eic focmec fecucitie, anD contiemneU
tlje difcourfec of e;ctceame matineffe and follie.

IpJiJJima Junt Ariftotelis verba, they are the verie
words o{ lohn ^ell-troth, in the 1357 folio of the
laft edition of the great Chronicle of England.

Mehercule quidem, if it be fo taken vp, Pierce
Pennikjfe may caft his cappe after it for euer
ouertaking it. But fome thing euen now, Gabriell,
thou wert girding againji my prefaces and rimes,
and the timpanie of my 'Tarltonizing wit.

Well, thefe be your words, pr^efaces and rimes :

Apply to l^t me ftudie a little, pr^efaces and rimes.
Mas. Martin. ]y[iyii^g vcro, ft ais nego. I neuer printed
rime in my life, but thofe verfes in the beginning
of Pierce Pennilejfe, though you haue fet foorth

'The Jiories quaint of manie a doutie flie,
"That read a leSlure to the ventrous elfe.

And fo forth as foUoweth in chambling rowe.

Prasfaces two, or a paire of Epiftles, I will
receyue into the protedion of my parentage : out

of both which, fucke out one folactfme, or mifhapen
Englifh word, if thou canft for thy guts.

CONFUTED. 267

Wherein haue I borrowed from Greene or
'Carlton, that I fhould thanke them for all I haue ?
Is my ftile like Greenes, or my ieafts like Tarltons ?

Do I talke of any counterfeit birds, or hearbs,
or ftones, or rake vp any new-found poetry from
vnder the wals of 'Troy ? If I do, trip mee with
it; but I doe not, therefore He bee/fo faucy as
trip you with the grand lie. Ware ftumbling of
whetftones in the darke there my maifters.

This I will proudly boaft (yet am I nothing a
kindred to the three brothers) that the vaine which
I haue (be it a median vaine, or a madde man) is
of my own begetting, and cals no man father in
England but my felfe, neyther Euphues, nor Tarl-
ton^ nor Greene,

Not Tarlton nor Greene but haue beene con-
tented to let my fimple judgement ouerrule them
in fome matters of wit. Euphues I readd when I
was a little ape in Cambridge, and I then thought
it was Ipfe ilk : it may be excellent good ftill, for
ought I know, for I lookt not on it this ten yeare :
but to imitate it I abhorre, otherwife than it
imitates Plutarch, Ouid and the choiceft Latine
Authors.

If you be aduifde, I tooke Jhorteji vowels and
longeft mutes in the beginning of my booke, as
fufpitious of being acceffarie to the making of a
Sonnet wherto Maifter Chriftopher Birds name is

268 FOURS LETTERS

fet, there I faide that you mute forth many fuch
phrafes in the courfe of your booke, wliich I would
point at as I paft by : Heere I am as good as
my word, for I note that thou beeing afraide of
beraying thy felfe with writing, wouldeft faine bee
a mute, when it is too late to repent. Againe,
thou reuieft on vs and faift that mutes are courjed
and vowels haunted. Thou art no mute, yet fhalt
thou be haunted and courfed to the full. I will
neuer leaue thee as long as I am able to lift a
pen.

Whether I feeke to bee counted a terrible bul-
begger or no, He baite thee worfe than a bull, fo
that thou fhalt defire fome body on thy knees to
helpe thee with letters of commendation to Bull,
the hangman, that he may difpatch thee out of the
way before / more affliftion come vpon thee.

All the inueEHue and fatiricall fpirits /hall then
bee thy familiars, as the furies in hell are the
familiars of finfull ghofts, to follow them and
torment them without intermiffion : thou fhalt bee
double girt with girds, and fcoft at, till thofe that
ftand by do nothing but cough with laughing.

Thou faiefl I profefTe the art of railing: thou
fhalt not fay fo in vaine, for, if there bee any art
or depth in it more than Aretine or Agrippa haue
difcouered or diu'd into, looke that I will found it
and fearch it to the vttermoft, but ere I haue done

CONFUTED. 269

with thee ile leaue thee the miferableft creature that
the funne euer fawe.

There is no kind of peaceable pleafure in poetrie,
but I can drawe equally in the fame yoke with the
haughtieft of thofe foule-mouthd backbiters that
fay I can do nothing but raile.

I haue written in all forts of humors priuately,
I am perfwaded more than any yoong man of my
age in England.

The weather is cold, and I am wearie with
confuting: the remainder of the colde contents
of this Epiftle be thefe.

He enuioufly indeuors, fince he cannot reuenge
himfelfe, to incenfe men of high calling againft
me, and wold inforce it into their opinions, that
whatfoeuer is fpoke in Tierce PennileJJe concerning
Pejants, Clownes &? hipercriticall hot-fpurs, Midaffes^
Buckram Giants, & the mightie Prince of Darknejfe,
is meant of them : let him proue it, or bring the
man to my face to whome I euer made any
vndutiefuU expofition of it I am to be my own
interpreter in this firft cafe : I fay, in Pierce Penni-
lejfe I haue fet downe nothing but that which I /
haue had my prefident for, in forraine writers, nor
had I the leaft allufion to any man fet aboue mee
in degree, but onely glanc'ft at vice generallie.

The tale of the Beare and the Foxe, how euer
it may fet fooles heads a worke a farre off, yet I

270 FOURS LETTERS

had no concealed ende in it, but in the one to
defcribe the right nature of a bloudthirfty tyrant,
whofe indefinite appetite all the pleafures in the
earth haue no power to bound in goodnes, but
he muft feeke a new felicitie in varietie of cruelty,
and deftroying all other mens profperitie ; for the
other, to figure an hypocrite ; let it be Martin^ if
you will, or fome old dog that bites forer than hee,
who fecretlie goes and feduceth country Swaines.

a^afe^g t|)£m Iietoue tijat tiontip toflic^ tljei'r \izz<^
tiroua;t)t fortt) toa0 pojConouiS anO corrupt*

'QCiiat tft0j maj bup "bonnp cheaper t^an lb? ftetne;
at fuci) t!)ar0:e0 in feeepinj \itz<i,

•El) at ijs not netettarp tfiej %m\^ tauc futj
ttatelp \\\xz% or lie fucfeins at futfi precious
Sonntcoml)0*

If this (which is nothing elfe but to fwim with
the ftreame) be to tell tales as ihrewdly as mother
Hubbard, it fhould feeme mother Hubbard is no
great flirewe, howeuer thou, treading on her heeles
fo oft, fhee may bee tempted beyonde her ten
commandements.

A litle before this, the forefaid fanaticall Phobetor,
geremumble, tirleriwhifco, or what you will, cald
forth the biggeft gunfliot of my thundering tearmes,
fteept in jiqua fortis and gunpowder, to come and
trie them felues on his paper Target.

But that it is no credite, Galpogas, to difcharge

CONFUTED. 271

a Cannon againft a lowfe, thou ftiouldft not call in
vaine : thou fhouldft heare Tom a Lincolne roare
with / a witnes. Woe worth the daie & the yeare
when thou heareft him. I feareblaft thee nowe
but with the winde of my weapon. With the
waft of my words I lay waft all the feeble forti-
fications of thy wit. Shewe mee the Vniuerfities
hand and feale that thou art a Dodtour fealed and
deliuered in the prefence of a whole Commenfe-
ment, and He prefent thee with my whole artillerie
ftore of eloquence.

A bots on thee for mee for a lumpifti, leaden
heeld letter dawber, my ftile, with treading on thy
clammie fteps, is gro'wne as heauie gated, as if I
were bound to an Aldermans pace, with the irons
at Newgate cald the widows Almes.

Ere I was chained to thee thus by the necke, I
was as light as the Poet Accius, who was fo lowe
and fo flender, that hee was faine to put lead in his
fliooes for feare the winde fhoulde blowe him into
another Countrie.

Thofe that catch Leopards fet cups of wine
before them : thofe that will winne liking and grace
of the readers muft fet before them continually that
which fhall cheare them and reuiue them.

Gabriell, thou haft not done fo, thou canft not
doe fo, therefore thy works neither haue, nor can
any way hinder mee, nor benefit the Printer.

272 FOURE LETTERS

Euen in the packing vp of my booke, a hot
ague hath mee by the backe. Maugre ficknefle
worft, a leane arme put out of the bed fhall grind
and ^afh euerie crum of thy booke into pin-duft.

The next peece of feruice thou doft againft
Pierce Pennilejfe is naming of him wofull poueretto,
and plea/ant Juppofing thou puldft him by the ragged
Jleeue. Then matcheft thou thy felfe to Vlijfes,
and him to Irus: Irrita Junt hac omnia: it is a
fleeuelefle^ ieaft, I haue / befliu'd thee already
for it : it toucheth the body and not the minde.
Befides, I was neuer altogether Peter Poueretto,
vtterly throwne downe, defperately feperated from
all means of releeuing my felfe, fince I knew how
to feparate a knaue from an honeft man, or throw
my cloake ouer my nofe, when I failed by the
Counters.

The ragged cognizance on the fleeue, I may fay
to thee, carried meate in the mouth when time
was : doe not diipraife it yet, for it hath many
high partakers. Qjia fequuntur hujufmodijunt.

Thou turmoilft thy pia mater to proue bafe
births better than the ofspring of many difcents,
becaufe thou art a mufhrumpe fprung vp in one
night, a feely moufe begotten on a moulehill, that
wouldft fayne pearch thy felfe on the mountaines,
when thy legges are too fhort to ouercome fuch a
long iourney of glorie.

CONFUTED. 273

My margent note, Mentis expendite caufam, thou
wouldft rather than any thing wreft to an endit-
ment of arrogance, & fo branch mee into thy
tiptoe ftocke. I cannot fee how thou canft com-
pafle it : For though I bad them weigh the caufe
by deferts, yet I did not afTume too much to my '
owne deferts, when I expoftulated, why Coblers,
Hoftlers and Carmen fhould be worth fo much,
and I, a fcholler and a good fellow, a begger.
How thou haft arrogated to thy felfe more than
Lucifer, or any Miles glorio/us in the worlde would
doe, I haue already noted at large in his due place
and order. If thou beftowft any curtefie on mee,
and I do not requite it, then call mee cut, and fay
I was brought vp at Hoggenorton, where pigges
play on the Organs.

Wert thou well acquainted with me, thou
fhouldft per / ceiue that I am very franke where I
take, & fend away none empty-handed that giue
mee but halfe an ill worde.

It is a good figne of grace in thee, that thou
confefTeft thou haft offences enough of thy owne to
aunfwere, though thou leeft not chargd with thy
Fathers. Once in thy life thou fpeakft true yet.
I beleeue thee and pittie thee. God make thee
a good man, for thou haft beene a wilde youth
hitherto.

Thy Hexameter verfes, or thy hue and rrie

N. II. 18

274 FOURS LETTERS

after a per/on as clears as Chriftall, I do not fo
deeply commend, for al Maifter Spencer long fince
tmhraft it with an ouer-louing Jonnet .

Why fhould friends diflemble one with another ?
they are very vgly and artlefle. You will neuer
leaue your olde trickes of drawing M. Spencer into
euerie pybald thing you do. If euer he praifd
thee, it was becaufe he had pickt a fine vaine foole
out of thee, and he would keepe thee ftill a foole,
by flattring thee, til fuch time as he had brought
thee into that extreame loue with thy felfe, that
thou fhouldft run mad with the conceit, and fo be
fcorned of all men.

Yet yet, Gabriell, are not we fet non plus: thy
roijier-doijierdome hath not dafht vs out of coun-
tenance. If anie man vfe boiftrous horfe play, or
bee beholding to Carters Logique, it is thy felfe ; for
with none but clownifh and roynifh ieafts doft thou
rufti vppon vs, and keepft fuch a flurting and a
flinging in euerie leafe, as if thou wert the onely
reafty iade in a country.

Skolding, thou Jaieft, is the language of Jhrewes,
railing the flile of rakehels : what concludft thou
from thence ? Do I fcold ? Do I raile ?

Scolding & railing is loud mifcalling and reuiling
one another without wit, fpeaking euery thing a
man knows / by his neighbour, though it bee neuer
fo contrary to all humanitie and good manners, and

CONFUTED. 275

would make the flanders by almoft perbrake to
heare it. Such is thy inuediue againft Greene,
where thou talkft of his lowfines, his furfeting, his
beggerie and the mother of Infortunatus infirmities.
If I fcold, if I raile, I do but cum ratione infanire :
Tully, Quid, all . the olde Poets, Agripfa, Aretine,
and the reft are all fcolds and railers, and by thy
conclufion flat fhrewes and rakehels : for I do no
more .than their examples do warrant mee.

The intoxicate fpirit of grijly Euridice, I can toffe
ouer as lightly to thee, as thou haft puft it to mee.
My hart is prasoccupated with better fpirits, which
haue left her no houfe -roome : thou haft no fpirite,
as it fhould appeare by thy writing : intertaine her
and the fpirit of the buttery out of hand, or thou
wilt be beaten hand-fmooth out of Bucklarftiury.

When I parted with thy brother in Pierce Penni-

lejfe 31 left |)im to be tormenteu tooria toitljout
entie of our ^@oet0 anli \x1r1ter0 about Hotilion, foi*
talUno: tliem piperl? mafee=pla?esi anD mafee=bate0,
not tioubtmff but tljep tooulti tiriue Ijim to t!)!0
iffue, tl)at t)e Itjoulti be conCcaineU to goe to t^e
c^iefe beame of ti0 benefice, anti t^zu beginntng;
a lametable Cpeec^, toitt) cur Jcripft, cur perii, enUe
tol'tl) Prauum praua decent, iuuat inconcejfa voluptas,
I fo toit!) a trite, trulle tp t'^ liff n^ tlje tttring:
of 1)10 Cauce--beU. Now heere thou thankft God
thou art not fo vncharitably bent to put fo much

276 FOURS LETTERS

wit in a fpeech : like a Parfon in Lancafhire, that
kneeld down on his knees in a zealous paffion, and
very hartily thankt God he neuer knew what that
vile Antichriftian Romifh Popifh Latine meant.
Did I exhort inke and paper to pray that they
might not bee troubled with / him any more ?
Inke and paper, if they bee true Proteftants, will
pray that they may not be contaminated any more
with fuch abhomination of defolation, as the three
brothers Apocripha pamphleting.

After all this foule weather enfueth a calme
dilatement of others too forward harmefulnes, and
thy owne backward irefulnefle: thats difpatcht;
the court hath found it otherwife.

Then thou goeft about to bribe mee to giue
ouer this quarrell, and faift, if I will holde my
peace, thou wilt beftowe more complements of
rare amplification vpon mee, than euer thou
beftowdft on Sir Philip Sidney, and gentle Maifter
Spencer.

Thou flatterft mee, and praifeft mee.

To make mee a fmall feeming amendes for the
iniuries thou haft done mee, thou reckonft mee
vp amongft the deare louers and profejfed fonnes of the
Mufes, Edmund Spencer, Abraham France, Thomas
Watjon, Samuell Daniell.

With a hundred blejftngs, and many praiers, thou
intreatji mee to hue thee.

CONFUTED. 277

Content thy felfe, I will not,

"Thou protefts it was not my per/on thou mijlikt (I
am afraide thou wilt make mee thy Ingle) but my
fierce running at Par/on Richard, excujeft mee by my
youth, ^ promi/efi: to cancell thy impertinent Pamphlet.

It were good hanging thee now, thou art in fuch
a good mind ; yet for all this, a dogge will be a
dogge, & returne to his vomit doe what a man
can : thou muft haue one fquibbe more at the
Deuils Orator, & his Dames Poet, or thy penne
is not in cleane life. I will permit thee to fay
what thou wilt, to vnderlie, (as thou defir'ft) the
verdit of Fame her felfe, fo I may lie aboue thee.
Lie aboue thee, tell a greater lie than thou doft,
no /man is able.

Thus O heauenly Mufe, I thanke thee, for thou
haft giu'n me the patience to trauel through the
tedious wildernefle of this Gomorian Epiftle. Not
Hercules, when he cleanfed the ftables of jEgeas,
vnder-tooke fuch a ftinking vnfauorie exploit. By
thy affiftaunce through a whole region of golden
lanes haue I journeied, & now am fafely arriu'd at
not Jpeedily difpatcht, but hafiily bungled vp as you
fee. Graunt that all fuch flow difpatchers & haftie
bunglers, may haue a long time of reproach to
repent them in, and not come abroad to corrupt
the aire, & impofthumate mens ears with their
pan-pudding profe any more. So bee it, fay all

278 FOURE LETTERS

Englifh people after mee, that haue eares to heare
or eies to reade.

Feci, feci, feci, had I my health, now I had
leyfure to be merry, for I haue almoft wafht my
hands of the Doftour.

His own regenerate verfes of the jolly Fly, &'
Gibeline and Gwelfh, fome peraduenture may ex-
pe6t that I fhould anfwere. So I would if there
were anie thing in them which I had not anfwerd
before, but there is nothing ; if there were, hauing
driuen his fword to his head, I refpeft not what he
can do with his dagger. Onely I will looke vpon
the laft fonnet of M. Spencers to the right worftiip-
full Maifter G. H., Dodtour of the lawes : or it
may fo fall out that I will not looke vpon it too,
becaufe {Gabriell) though I vehemently fufped: it
to bee of thy owne doing, it is popt foorth vnder
M. Spencers name, and his name is able to fanftifie
any thing, though falfely afcribed to it.

The fourth letter of our Orators, to the fame
fauourable or indifferent reader, was a letter which
this many a long fummers day, I dare ieopard my
maydenhead / had line hidden in his defke ; for it
is a fhipmans hofe, that will ferue any man as well
as Green or mee.

To make fhort, in it, as fortie times before, he
brides it and fimpers out a crie. No, forfooth, God
dild you hee would not, that hee would : "None fo

CONFUTED. 279

defirous of quiet as hee, good olde man, who with
a pure intent of peace, firft put fire to the flame
that hath hedgde him in.

He hath preuented Maifter Bunnie of the fecond
part of his treatife of Pacification; for hke fome
craftie ringleader of rebellion, when hee hath
ftirred vp a dangerous commotion, and findes, by
the too late examination of his forevnexamined
defedts in himfelfe, that fo fweet a roote will
hardlie effedt correfpondent fruits, ftrait, in pollicie
to get his pardon, hee ftrikes faile to the tempeft
of fedition, and is thrice as earneft in preaching
pacification, obedience, and fubmiffion : fo Gabriel,
when he hath ftird vp againfl: me what tumults he
can in ftationers Shops, and left the quiuer of his
enuie not an arrow vndrawne out, hee finds, by the
audit of his ill confumed defedtes, that he is not
of force inough to hold out : wherefore in pollicie,
to auoid further arrearages of infamie, hee tires
the text of reconciliation out of breath, and hopeth
by the interceffion of a cupfe of white wine and
fugar, to be made friends with his fellow writers.

It cannot choofe but he muft of neceffitie be a
very fore fellow, that is fo familiar with white wine
& fugar, for white wine, in a maner, is good for
nothing but to walh fores in, and fmudge vp
withered beauty with. Well, for all hee would
haue Pierce make no warres on him, he makes

28o FOURS LETTERS

warres on Pierce PennileJJe, he bebeggereth him
again in this epiftle verie bountifuUie : / hee faies
that Lordes muft take heede how they Lord it in his
frefence.

that the AJfe is the onelie Author he alleadgeth.

That Greene is an Affe in frint, and he a calfe in
■print.

'That they are both chieftaines in licentioufneffe
and that truth can faie the abhominable villanies of
fuch bafe /hifting companions, good for nothing but to
cafl away themfelues,Jpoile their adherents, isfc.

For my beggerie, let that trauell the countries :
I haue faide more for it than a richer man would
haue done, but that I take vppon me to Lord it
ouer great Lords, thou art a moft lewd tungd
lurden to faie it.

Muft they take heede how they Lord it in my
prefence, what muft they doe in thy prefence ?

That fitting like a looker on
Of this worlds fiage, dofi note with critique pen
The fharpe diflikes of each condition;
Ne fawnefi for the fauour of the great.
Nor fearefl foolifh reprehenfion.
But freelie dofi of what thee lift intreate.
Like a great Lord of peerelejfe libertie.
Lifting the good vp to high honours feate.
And th' euill damning euermore to die :
For life and death is in thy doomefull writing.

CONFUTED. , 281

Whereas thou faift the Afle, in a manner, is
the only Author I alleadge, I muft know how you
define an Afle before I can tell how to anfwere
you ; for Cornelius Agrippa maketh all the Philo-
fophers, Oratours, and Poets that euer were, Afl*es :
and if fo, you vnderftand that I alleadge no Author
but the Afle ; for [if] all Authors are Afles, why
I am for you ; if otherwife, thou art worfe than a
Cumane Afle, to leape before thou lookfl:, and
condemne a man without caufe.

What Authors dofl: thou alleadge in thy booke ?
not /two but any Grammer SchoUer might haue
alleadgd.

There is not three kernels of more than common
learning in all thy Foure Letters. Common learn-
ing ? not common fenfe in fome places.

Of force I mufl: graunt that Greene came oftner
in print than men of iudgement allowed offj but
neuerthelefle he was a daintie flaue to content the
taile of a Tearme, and flufFe Seruing mens pockets.

An Afle, Gabriel, it is harde thou fhouldfl; name
him : for calling me Calfe, it breakes no fquare,
but if I bee a calfe, it is in comparifon of fuch an
Oxe as thy felfe.

T!he chief taines of licentiou/nejfe, and truth can Jay
the ahhominahle villanies of Juch baje foifiing com-
panions, good for nothing, &c. I am of the mind
wee fliall not digeft this neither.

282 FOURE LETTERS

Anfwere ras. Juccint'e £5? expedite, what one period
any way leaning to licentioufnes, canft thou pro-
duce in Pierce Pennilejfe ?

I talke of a great matter when I tell thee of a
period, for I know two feuerall periods or full
pointes, in this laft epiftle, at leaft fortie lines long
a piece.

For the order of my life, it is as ciuil as a ciuil
orenge : I lurke in no corners, but conuerfe in a
houfe of credit, as well gouerned as any Colledge,
where there bee more rare quallified men, and
felefted good Schollers than in any Noblemans
houfe that I knowe in England.

If I had committed /uch abhominaUe villanies, or
were a baje Jhifting companion, it ftoode not with
my Lords honour to keepe me, but if thou haft
faide it, & canft not proue it, what flandrous
difhonor haft thou done him, to giue it out
that he keepes the committers of j abhominable
villanies and baJe Jhifting companions, when they
are farre honefter than thy felfe.

If I were by thee, I would plucke thee by the
beard, and fpit in thy face, but I would dare thee,
and vrge thee beyonde all excufe, to difclofe and
proue for thy heart bloud, what villanie or bafe
ftiifting by mee thou canft. I defie all the worlde
in that refpedt.

Becaufe thou vfedft at Cambridge to ftiift for

CONFUTED. 283

thy Friday nights fuppers, and cofen poore vic-
tuallers and pie-wiues of Doftours cheefe and
puddinges, thou thinkeft me one of the fame
religion too.

What Greene was, let fome other anfwere for
him as much as I haue done : I had no tuition
ouer him: he might haue writ another Galatao
of manners, for his manners euerie time I came
in his companie : I faw no fuch bafe fhifting or
abhominable villanie by him. Something there
was which I haue heard, not feene, that hee had
not that regarde to his credite in which had beene
requifite he Ihould.

What a Calimunco am I to pleads for him, as
though I were as neere him as his owne flcinne.
A thoufande there bee that haue more reafon
to fpeake in his behalfe than I, who, fince I firft
knew him about town, haue beene two yeares
together and not feene him.

But He doe as much for any man, efpecially for
a dead man, that cannot fpeake for himfelfe. Let
vs heare how we are' good for nothing but to caft
awaie our felues, Jpoile our adherents, praie on our
fauourers, dijhonour our Patrons. Haue I euer
tooke any likelie courfe of calling away my
felfe?

Whom canft thou name that kept me company,
and reapt any difcommoditie by mee ? I can name

284 FOURS LETTERS

diuers good Gendemen that haue beene my adherents
and I fauourers a long time. Let them report ho we
I haue fpoilde them, or praid on them, or put them
to one pennie detriment fince I firft conforted with
the.

Haue an eie to the maine-chaunce, for no Iboner
fhall they vnderftand what thou haft faid by mee
of them, but theyle goe neere to haue thee about
the eares for this geare, one after another.

My Patrons, or anie that bind me to them by
the leaft good turne, there is no man in England
that is, or fhall (for my fmall power) bee more
thankefull vnto than I. Neuer was I vnthankefull
vnto any, no, not to thofe of whome for deedes I
receiued nothing but vnperformed deede promifing
words. It is an honor to be accufde, and not
conuinft.

One of thefe months I fhall challenge martir-
dome to my felfe, and writ large ftories of the
perfecution of tongues. Troth I am as like to
perfecute as be perfecuted. Let him take vp his
CrofTe and bleffe himfelfe that crofTeth mee, for I
will crofTe fhinnes with him though euerie fentence
of his were a thoufande tunnes of difcourfes, as
Gabriel faith, euerie fentence of his is a difcourfe.
Quods, quods giue me my Text pen againe, for I
haue a little more Text to launce.

'The fecretaries of art and nature^ if it were not

CONFUTED. 28s

for friuolous contentions, might heftead the commo-
welth with manie puijfant engins. As, for example,
Bacons brafen nofe, Architas wodden doue, dancing
bals, fire breathing gourdes, artificial! flies to hang
in the aire by themfelues, an egfhell that fhall run
vp to the toppe of a fpeare.

Archimedes made a heau'n of brafle, but we haue
nothing to do with olde brafle and iron.

Apollonius Regimontanus did manie pretie iugling
tricks, but wee had rather drinke out of a glafl"e
than / a lugge : vfe a litde brittle wit of our owne,
than borrow any miracle mettall of the Deuils.

Amongfl: all other fl:ratagems and puiflant engins,
what fay you to Mates Pumpe in Cheapfide, to
pumpe ouer mutton and porridge into Fraunce?
this colde weather our fouldiors, I can tell you,
haue need of it, and, poore field mife, they haue
almoft: got the colicke and fl:one with eating of
prouant.

Confider of it well, for it is better than all
Bacons, Architas, Archimedes, Apollonius or Regio-
montanus deuices ; for Gabriell, that profefl"eth all
thefe, with all their heipe cannot make the bias
bowle at Saffron Walden run downe the hill, when
it is throwne down with the hardefl: hand that
may bee, but it will turne vp the hill againe in
fpite of a mans teeth, and, that which is worft,
giue no reafon for it.

286 FOURE LETTERS

'The Parrat and the Peacock haue leifure to reuiue
and repolijh their expired workes. You fpeake
like a friend: wele liften to you when you haue
repolifhed and expired your perfedted degree. A
Demy Dodtor, what a fliame is it?

Becaufe your books do call for a litle more
drinke, and a fewe more clothes when they are
gone to bed, that is, when they lie dead, you
thinke ours do fo too. No, no, we doe not vfe
to clappe a coat ouer a ierkin, or thruft any of
the children of our braine into their mothers
wombe againe, & beget them a new after they
are once borne. If it bee a home booke at his
firft conception, let it be a home booke ftill, and
turne not eat in the panne, conuert the Paternofter
to a Primer, when it hath begd it felfe out at the
elbowes vp and downe the cuntrey.

Thou didft thou knewft not what in eeking this

thy fliort-wafted Pamphlet, iwis, as thou faift of

thy felfe / Thou art an old trewant, fitter to plaie

the dumhe dogge with Jome antients, than the hijjing

Jnake.

Who be thofe antient dumbe dogs? we fhall
haue you a Martinift when all comes to all, becaufe
you cannot thriue with the Ciuill Law, and that
you may marry her for any thing you are a kindred
to her : therfore you will compare Whitegift and
Cartwright, white and blacke together, name the

CONFUTED. 287

higheft gouernours of the Church without giuing
them anie reuerence or titles of honour, imbrace
anie religion which will be euen with the profeffion
that fauors not you.

There is no baile or mainprife for it, but wee
muft haue you in the firft peeping forth of the
fpring, preaching out of a Pulpit in the woods:
you haue put on wolues raiment already, feduced
manie fimple people vnder the habit of a fheepe
and Wolfes print. If you protefl: & lie any more,
it is not your ending here like a fermon, that will
make you bee reputed for a faint.

Readers, a decaied ftudent, lately fhipwrackt
with Si vales bene eft, hauing foure Lightors of
Letters, cleane caft away on the rocks called the
Bifhop & his Clarks, defires you all to pray for
him, and he will recommend you all to God the
next fermon he penneth, or his brother Richard.

He hath a mind to pay euery man his owne,
though hee hath fuftained great loffe in fight, that
which he cannot effeSt he befeecheth the Lord to
accompli/h, and euen to worke a miracle v-pon the
deafe.

Lord if it be thy will, let him be an AfTe ftill.
Gentlemen, I haue no more to fay to the Dodlor
difpofe of the vidlorie as you pleafe : fhortly I will
prefent you with fomething that fhal be better
than nothing, onely giue mee a gentle hire for my

288 FO URE LETTERS

durtie day labor, and I am your bounden Orator
for euer.

Son / netto.

Were there no warres, poore men fliould haue
no peace :
VncefTant warres with wafpes and droanes I crie :
Hee that begins, oft knows not how to ceafe.
They haue begun. He follow till I die.

He heare no truce, wrong gets no graue in mee,
Abufe pell mell encounter with abufe :
Write hee againe. He write eternally.
Who feedes reuenge hath found an endlefle Mufe.

If death ere made his blacke dart of a pen.
My penne his fpeciall Baily fhall becum :
Somewhat He be reputed of mongft men.
By ftriking of this duns or dead or dum.

Awaite the world the Tragedy of wrath :

What next I paint fhall tread no common path.

Aut nunquam tentes aut ferfice.

Tho. Nafhe.

CONFUTED. 289

Obferuations for the Readers of this
Booke.

gtem, VDl)atroeuet: for tl)e mod pact 10 fiece \xi
a^x^ boofee \x\. t'^anp of letter, t0 our atiuecranes
ototie %z%t., atili ttitjaciel) toocD0, z\x\tx, in tl)i0
1)10 tonuictea Foure Letters, oc fom0 ot^eu Iw^iz
tceatiCe, fet fortlj bp ^m ijeretofoce*

i:f)En, t^at 31 am tocetteU ana ttteclj Bmorceli
from mp otone inuetition, 1 conttraitieti ttill
ttill, before 3 am toarme in an? one tat'ne, to
ftart atoap fodainelj, ana foUoto ^I'm m ^(0
tiamtie.

jfinallj, ^rinter0 fiaue manj falfe ftitc5e0,
to^itl) are tt)u0 to bee Uratoen tip.

In the fecond page of c for Baboune brother,
reade Baboune his brother : in the 7 for allegorized
& Abdias, reade allegorized Abdias : in the 8 for
fet hand, reade, fet his hand : idem for headmen
read headman. In the firft of d for liuor foji
quiejcat, reade Liuor pofi fata quiefcat : in the 5
for plaifter of Doftourfhip, reade plaiftrie or dawb-
ing of Doftourfhip ; in the 7 for infolent incke-
horne worme, reade infolent incke worme : in the
2 of E for Afle in prefent, read Affe in prefenti :
in the 3 for beftow vpon, reade beftow vpon him :
in the 5 for efFed, reade efEcacie. In the 4 of f

N. II. 19

290 FOURE LETTERS CONFUTED.

for vertuous Syr lohn Norris, read vidorious Syr
John Norris : in the 5 page of h for I introduce
in a difcontented Scholler, read I introduce a
difcontented Scholler : in the 8 for His aflentrion,
reade His aflertion. In the 5 of I for verie com-
panie, reade verie timpanie. In the 5 page of k
for in this, firft cafe, reade firft in this cafe.
[Corrected in the places. — G.]

FINIS.

Printed by HaBell, JVaiion^ and Viney^ London and Aylesbury,