The complete works of Thomas Nashe. In six volumes. For the first time collected and edited with memorial-introduction, notes and illustrations, etc.

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THE HUTH LIBRARY.

THE

COMPLETE WORKS

OF

THOMAS NASHE.

(I

VOL. III.

HAUE WITH YOU TO SAFFRON-WALDEN.

TERRORS OF THE NIGHT.

1594— 1596.

Free vent of words.

Venus a?id Adonis, 1. 334.

Bitter words to ban.

liape of Lucrece, \. 1460.

Cornell University
Library

The original of tliis book is in
tlie Cornell University Library.

There are no known copyright restrictions in
the United States on the use of the text.

http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924064948916

ELIZABETHAE-JAC0BEA5I

Yerse akd Prose

LAR G E LY

^^^5^

BY THE
FOR PRIVATE CIRCULATIO^f ONLY

I If (:/. I;Y

THE

COMPLETE WORKS

THOMAS NASHE.

IN FOUR VOLUMES.

FOR THE FIRST TIME COLLECTED AND EDITED
WITH MEMORIAL-INTRODUCTION, NOTES AND ILLUSTRATIONS, ETC .

BY THE REV.

ALEXANDER B. GROSART, LL.D. (Edin.), F.S.A. (Scot.),
St. George's, Blackburn, Lancashire.

VOL III.

HAUE WITH YOU TO SAFFRON-WALDEN.

TERRORS OF THE NIGHT.

1594—96.

PRINTED FOR PRIVATE CIRCULATION ONLY.
1883—84.
50 Copies,']

/Vwv

h. fojrr

Printedby Hazelly fVdtsottj and Pineyt London and Aylesbury.

CONTENTS.

PAGE

Haue with you to Saffron-Walden . . I i^''

Terrors of the Night 209 ^

Oh, who that sees this murky way would think
That even here are issues of the Ught ?
Eschewing which so many spirits sink,
Embracing as their bride the vacant night ;
Yet still it winds round true Elysian bowers,
Ne'er closed to man while last his mortal hours.

No gate of burning adamant is there
Against us barr'd, prohibiting ingress.
Short is the way, and soft as summer's air,
That upward leads to joy no tongues express.
To those smooth confines where the eye can trace
The gates of hght, and Heaven's ovm glorious face.

Ouranogaia, vol. i., c. xii., p. 262 (1872).

Night's 'scapes doth open lay.

Rape of Lucnce, 1. 747.

IX.

HARVEY-GREENE TRACTATES,

III. Haue with you to Saffron-Walden.

1596.

=0

N. III.

NOTE.

For ' Haue with you to Saffron-Walden ' I am indebted to the Huth
Library. See 'Memorial-Introduction — Critical' in closing volume on it.
It is a small 4to of 83 unpaged leaves — title-page and A 2 — X 3. — G.

Haue with you to Saf-
fron-vvalden.

OR,

Gabriell Harueys Hunt is vp.

Containing a full Anfwere to the eldeji Jonne
of the Halter-maker.

OR,

Nailie his Confutation of the finfull
Dodlor.

The Mott or Pofie, inftead of Omne tulit ■punSium :
Pads fiducia nunquam.

As much to Jay, as I fayd I would fpeake with
him.

Printed at London by lohn Danter.
1596.

To the moft Orthodoxall and reuerent Cor-
redtor of flaring haires, the fincere &
Jinigraphicall rarifier of prolixious rough
barbarifme, the thrice egregious and cen-
foriall animaduertifer of vagrant mouftachios,
chiefe- fcauinger of chins, and principall *
Head-man of the parijh wherein * quasi conuer-

, , sant about

he dwells, fpeciall fuperuifor of all heads.
excrementall fuperfuities for Trinitie Col-
ledge in Cambridge, and (to conclude) a not
able and fingular benefaBor to all beards
in generall, Don Richardo BarbarofTa de
CEefario, Tho: Nafhe wijheth the higheft
Toppe of his contentment and felicitie, and
the Shortning of all his enemies.

CUTE & amiable Dick, not Die mihi
Mufa virum, Mufing Dick, that ftudied
a whole yeare to know which was the
male and female of red herrings : nor Die obfecro.

6 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

Dick of all Dickes, that, in a Church where the
Organs were defac'd, came and ofFred himfelfe
with his pipe and taber : nor old Dick of the
Caftle, that vpon the newes of/ the loffe of Calis^
went and put a whole bird-fpit in the pike of his
buckler : nor Dick Swalh, or defperate Dick, that's
fuch a terrible Cutter at a chyne of beefe, and
deuoures more meate at Ordinaries, in difcourfing
of his fraies and deep afting of his flafhing and
hewing, than would ferue halfe a dozen Brewers
Dray-men : nor Dick of the Cow, that mad Demi-
lance Northren Borderer, who plaied his prizes
with the lord lockey fo brauely : but paraphrafticall
gallant Patron Dick, as good a fellow as euer was
Heigh fill the pot hoftefle : curteous Dicke, comicall
Dicke, liuely Dicke, louely Dicke, learned Dicke,
olde Dicke of Lichfieldy lubeo te plurimum faluere,
which is, by interpretation, I ioy to heare thou
haft fo profited in gibridge.

I am fure thou wondreft not a little, what I
meane to come vppon thee fo ftraungelye with
fuch a huge dicker of Dickes in a heape altogether :
but that's but to fhew the redundance of thy
honorable Familie, and how affluent and copious
thy name is in all places, though Erafmus, in his
Copia Verborum, neuer mentions it.

Without further circumftance, to make Jhort,
(whichj to fpeake troth, is onely proper to thy

THE EMSTLE DEDICATORIE. 7

Trade,) / the fhort and long of it is this. There is
a certaine kinde of Dodor of late very pittifuUy
growen bald, and thereupon is to be ihauen
immediately, to trie if that will help him : now
I know no fuch nimble fellow at his weapon in
all England as thy felfe, who (as I heare) ftandft
in eledion at this inftant to bee chiefe Crowner or
clipper of crownes in Cambridge, and yet no defacer
of the Queenes coyne neither : and it is pittie but
thou fhouldfl; haue it, for thou haft long feru'd as a
Clarke in the crowne office, and concluded fyllo-
gifmes in Barbara anie time this fixteene yeare,
and yet neuer metft with anie requitall, except it
were fome {qvt french crownes, pild Friers crownes,
drye ftiauen, not fo much worth as one of thefe
Scottilh home crownes : which (thy verie enemies
muft needes confefle) were but bare wages, (yea,
as bare as my nayle, I faith,) for thy braue defert
and dexteritie : & fome fuch 'Thinne gratuitie or
Haire-loome it may be the Dodor may prefent thee
with, but how euer it falls, hath his head or his
hayre the falling ficknefTe neuer fo, without anie
more delay. Of or on, trimm'd hee muft bee with
a trice, and there is no remedie, but thou muft
needes come and ioyne with me to giue him the
terrible cut.

Where /fore (good Dick) on with thy apron,
& arme thy felfe to Jet him downe at the firft word :

8 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

Stand to him, I fay, and take him a button lower t

, B^^i„^ feare not to fhew him a * knacke of thy

*''/«i'mf*"''occupation, and once in thy hfe let it be

t Theyr lousy ^^id, that a Doftor weares thy t cloth,

"piTaillf or that thou haft caufd him to doo

whiflihey pennance, and weare Haire-cloth for his

are triming. fj^^es. Were he as he hath been (I can

afTure thee) he would clothe and adorne thee with

manie gracious gallant complements, and not a

rotten tooth that hangs out at thy fhop window,

but fhould coft him an indefinite Turkifh armie of

Englifh Hexameters. O, he hath been olde dogge

at that drunken, ftaggering kinde of verfe, which

is all vp hill and downe hill, like the way betwixt

Stamford and Beechfeeld, and goes like a horfe

plunging through the myre in the deep of winter,

now fouft vp to the faddle, and ftraight aloft on

his tiptoes. Indeed, in old King Harrie finceritie,

a kinde of verfe it is, hee hath been enfeoft in

from his minoritie, for as I haue bin faithfully

informed, hee firft cryde in that verfe in the verie

moment of his birth, and when he was but yet a

J siquis, ffi«i7/frefti-man in Cambridge, he fet vp % Si-

"%. '"^ quijfes, & fent his accounts to his father

in thofe ioulting Heroicks. Come, come, account

§ For dimsion of him as you lift, by Poll and Aedipoll I

tion. proteft, your noble / Science of § decifion

and contradion is immortally beholding to him.

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. g

for twice double his Patrimonie hath he fpent
in carefull cherifliing & preferuing his picker-,
devant : and befides, a deuine vicarly brother
of his, called AJirologicall Richard, fome few
yeares fince (for the benefit of his countrey)
moft ftudioufly compyled a ■profound Abridgement
vpon beards, & therein copioufly dilated of the true
difcipline of peakes, & no leffe fruitleflely deter-
mined betwixt the Swallowes taile cut, & the round
beard like a rubbing brufh. It was my chaunce
(O thrice blefled chaunce) to the great comfort
of my Mufe to perufe it, although it came but
priuately in Print : and for a more ratefied pafport
(in thy opinion) that I haue read it and digefted
it, this title it beareth, a * Defence of* Therefore be-
fhort haire againft Synefius and Pierius : 'it 'tk^t title.
or rather, in more familiar Englilli to ^ZTti/T
exprefle it, a Dafh ouer the head againft ff/J^tldf
baldnes, verie neceflary to be obferued '""^""Z-
of al the loofer fort, or loofe haird fort, of yong
Gentlemen & Courtiers, and no leffe pleafant and
profitable to be remembred of the whole Com-
monwealth of the Barbars. The Pofie theretoo
annexed, Prolixior eji breuitate Jua, as much to fay,
as Burne Bees, and haue bees, &. hair the more it
is cut the more it comes : lately deuifed and fet
forth by Richard Haruey the / vnluckie Prophet of
prodigies. If this may not fettle thy beleefe, but

10 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

yet thou requireft a further token to make vp
euen money, in the Epiftle Dedicatorie thereof to
a great Man of this Land, whom he calls his verie
right honourable good Lord, he recounteth his large
bounties beftowed vppon him, and talkes of the
fecret fauours which hee did him in his Studie or
Clofet at Court.

Heare you Dick, marke you here what a iewell
this learning is : how long will it be, ere thou
ftudie thy felfe to the like preferment ? No reafon
I fee, why thou being a Barber, fhouldft not bee
as hair-braind as he. Onely for writing a booke
of beards, in which he had no further experience,
but by looking on his father when he made hairs,
hair lines I meane, and yet not fuch lines of life
as a hangman hath in his hand, but haire lines to
hang linnen on : for that fmal demerit (I fay) is
he thus aduanced and courted, & from Aftrologicall
Dick raifed to bee fauorite Dick. And verie meete
it is he fhould be fo fauored and raifd by high
Perfonages, for before he was as low a Parfon or
Vicar as a man could lightly fet ey on.

With teares be it fpoken, too few fuch lowly
Parfons & Preachers we haue, who, laying afide
all worldly encumbrances, & plefant couerfing
with Szmt I Aufien, lerome, Chrifojiome, wilbe con-
tent to read a Ledture, as he hath done, de lana
caprina, (almoft as {lender a caft fubiedt as a Catts

THE EPISTLE DEDICA TORIE. 1 1

fmelling haires,) or trauerfe the fubtile diftindlions
twixt Jhort cut and long taile.

Fie, this is not the fortieth dandiprat part of the
affeftionate Items, hee hath bequeathed on your^,
myfterie : with fiue" thoufand other dodlrinal deuo-
tions, hath he adopted himfelfe more than a by
founder of your trade, conioyning with his afore-
faid Dodtor Brother in eightie eight browne Bakers
dozen of Almanackes.

In euerie of which famous Annals of the foure
windes, vnfalUble rules are prefcribed for men to
obferue the beft time to breed loue-lockes in,
and fo to *»-ringle a thorough hayre for * Somehoide
rootmg, that it Ihall neuer put roorth of a mans

, . /• 1 1 . yp 1 chin, being

his Inayles homes againe : as alio vnder rubdwith
what Planet a man maye with \q2&. beeifg kmed,

1 - , , . , , , will so harden

danger picke his teeth, and how to m skin, that
catch the Sun in fuch a phificall Signe, neleranie
that one may fweare and be not a haire thlll^e.
the worfe.

But thefe amplifications adiourned to another
Returne, all the deuoyre, Diamond Dick, which I
am in this Epiftle of thy daintie com-

P . n \ • < t Bestellein, the

pOUtlOn to expoltulate, is no more \>\i.troyallest Passe

this, that fince vnder thy redoubted Ma^OToj/te,
patronage and protedtion my workes Dukes a^
are to haue their royal f Beftellein, and*^*^^"
more than common fafe-condu6t into the world, and

12 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

that for the Meridian of thy honour and magnifi-
cence they are chiefely eleuated & ereded, thou
wouldft brauely mount thee on thy barbed fteed,
alias thy triumphant barbers Chaire, and girding
thy keene Palermo rafour to thy fide, in ftead of a
* A lace, an trenchant Turkifli femitorie, and fetting
""ilnifud" thy fharpe pointed * launce in his reft,

'"'''*• be with them at a haires bredth that
backbite and detradt me.

Phlebothomize them, fting them, tutch them
Dick, tutch them, play the valiant man at Armes.,
and let them bloud and fpare not ; the Lawe
allowes thee to doe it, it will beare no aftion : and
thou, beeing a Barber Surgeon, art priuilegd to
drefle flefh in Lent, or anie thing.

Admit this be not fufficient to coole the heat
of their courage, ferch them in another vaine, by
difcharging thy pocket dags againft them, and let
them fmart for it to the proofe.

Steele thy painted May-pole, or more properly
to tearme it, thy redoubted rigorous horfmans
ftafFe (which at thy dore as a manifeft figne thou
hangft forth of thy martiall prowefle and hardi-
ment) on their infolent creafts, that maligne and
defpife me, and forbeare not to bring forth all
thy brafle / peeces againft them. It is well knowen
thou haft been a Commaunder and a Souldier euer
fince Tilbury Campe, and earlie and late walkt the

THE EPISTLE DEDICA TORIE. 13

round, and dealt verie fliort and round with all

thofe that come vnder . thy fingers : ftrugled

through the foamie deepe, and fkirmifht on the

downes : wherefore, if thou tak'ft them not downe

foundlie, with a hey downe and a derry, and dooft

not fhuffle and cut with them luftilie, aSfum eft de

pudicitia, I afke of God thou maift light vpon

none but bald-pates till thou dieft. But I trow

thou wilt carry a better pate with thee, and not

fufFer any of thefe indigent old fafhiond iudgements

to carry it away: whofe wits were right ftufFe

when thofe loue-letters in rime were in requeft,

& whofe capacities neuer mended their pace, fince

Pace, the Duke of Norfolkes foole died. As for

the decaied Prodtor of Saffiron-walden himfelf, if he

wander within the precindts of thy indignation, I

make no queftion but of thy oWne accord, without

any motion of mine, thou wilt be as ready as any

catchpoule, out of all Jcotch & notch, to torment

him, & deal ^isfnip/nap fnappifhly with him, as

euer he was delt withall fince he firfl: dated letters

from his gallerie in Trinitie Hall ; not fuffring a

lowfe that belongs to him to pafl"e thy hands

without a pawling penny : and yet as / I flirewdly

prefage, thou fhalt not finde many powling pence

about him neither, except he rob Peter to pay

Powle, empouerifh his fpiritual Vicar brodier

to helpe to pay for his powling, and he, alas,

14 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

(doleful! foure nobles Curate, nothing fo good
as the ConfefTour of Tyburne, or Superintendent
of Pancredge^ hath nittifide himfelfe with a difli,
rotunde frofunde, any time this fourteene yeare, to
faue charges of fheep-fhearing : &, not to make
of a thing more than it is, hath fcarce fo much
Ecclefiafticall liuing in all, as will ferue to buy
him cruell firings to his bookes, and haire buttons.
Wherefore I pafle not if in tender charitie and
commiferation .of his eftate, I adde ten pound & a
purfe to his wages and ftipend, canuaze him and
his Angell brother Gabriell in ten fheetes of paper,
and fo leaue them to goe hang themfelues ; or
outright to hang, draw, and quarter them ai vnder
one, I care not if I make it eighteen : on that con-
dition, in their laft wil & teftament they bequeath
me eighteene wife words in the way of anfwere
betwixt them.

I dare giue my word for them, they will neuer
doe it, no, not although it were inioynd to them
in ftead of their neckverfe : their whole ftock of
wit, when it was at the beft, beeing but ten
Englifh / Hexameters and a Lenmy : wherefore
generous Dick, (without hum drum be it fpoken)
I vtterly defpaire of them, or not fo much defpaire
of them, as count them a paire of poore ideots,
being not only but alfo two brothers, two block-
heads, two blunderkins, hauing their braines ftuft

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 15

with nought but balder-dafli, but that they are the
verie botts & the glanders to the gentle Readers,
the dead Palfie and Apoplexie of the PrefTe, the
Sarfego and the Sciatica of the 7 . Liberall Sciences,
the furfetting vomit of Ladie Vanitie, the fworne
bauds to one anothers vain-glorie : &, to conclude,
the moft contemptible Mounfier Aiaxes of excre-
mentall conceipts, and ftinking kennel-rakt vp
inuention, that this or anie Age euer afforded.

I pry thee, furmounting Donzel Dick, whiles I
am in this heate of Inueftiue, let me remember
thee to do this one kindnes more for me, videlicet,
when thou haft frizled and fcrubd and tickled the
haires fweetly, and that thou haft filcht thy felfe
into an excellent honourable affembly of ftiarpe
iudiciall fierie wits and fine fpirits, bee it this winter
at an Euening tearme, or where-euer, with all the
thundering grace and magnanimous eloquence that
thou haft, put vp this heroycall Grace in their
behalfe, if thou bee not paft grace.

A I Grace put vp in behalfe of the Harueys.
Supplicat reuerentiis veftris, per Apoftrophen, &c.

In Englifti thus :

Moft humblie fueth to your Reuerences, the reprobate
brace of Brothers of the Harueys : to wit, witlejje
Gabriell and ruffling Richard ; "That whereas for

i6

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

anie time this foure and twentie yeare they haue

■plaid the fantafticall gub-Jhites and gooje-giblets in

Print ^ and kept a hateful! /criUing and a pampleting

about earth-quakes, coniunSiions, inundations, the

fearful! blazing Jiarre, and the forfworne Flaxe-

wife: and tooke vpon them to be faife Prophets,

Weather-wizards, Fortune-tellers, Poets, Philo-

Jophers, Orators, Hifloriographers, Mounte-bankes,

Ballet-makers, and left no Arte vndefamed with

their filthie dull-headed praStife : it may pleafe your

Worfhips and Majierfhips, thefe infidell premijfes

confidered, 6? that they haue Jo fully performed all

their a£is in abjurditie, impudence, 6? foolerie, to

grant them their abjolute graces, to commence at

Dawes crofle, and with your general Jubfcriptions

confirm them for the profoundefi Arcandums, Acar-

nanians, and Dizards, that haue been difcouered

Jince the Deluge: fc? fo let them pajfe throughout

the Qjieenes Dominions.

THE EPISTLE DEDICA TORIE. 1 7

Purpofely that fpace I left, that as ma^nie as I
fhall perfwade they are Pachecoes, Poldavijfes, and
Dringks, may fet their hands to their definitiue
fentence, and with the Clearke helpe to crye Amen
to their eternall vnhandfomming.

Plie them, pHe them vncefTantly, vnico Dick,
euen as a Water-man plies for his Fares, and
infinuate and goe about the buih with them, like
as thou art wont to infinuate and go about the
grizlie bufhie beard of ibme fauage Saracen Butcher,
and neuer- furceafe flaunting and firking it in
fuflian, till vnder the Vniuerfities vnited hand &
feale they bee enadled as Objolate a cafe of Cockes-
combes, as euer he was in Trinitie Colledge, that
would not Carrie his Tutors bow into the field,
becaufe it would not edifie : or his fellow qui qua
codshead, that in the Latine Tragedie of K. Richard,
cride, Advrbs, advrbs,advrbs, when his whole Part
was no more, but Frbs, vrbs, ad arma, ad arma.

Shall I make a motion which I would not haue
thee thinke I induce to flatter thee neyther, thou
being not in my walke, whereby I might come to
wafh my handes with thee a mornings, or get a
fprinkling or a bruftiing for a brybe : wilt thou
commence and make no / more ado, fince thou
haft almoft as much learning and farre more wit,
than the two Brothers, or eyther of thofe profound
qui mihi Dijcipulajfes aboue mentioned ?

N. III. 2

1 8 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

Now verely (I perfwade mee) if thou wouldft
attempt it, not all the Gabriels betwixt this and
Godmanchejier, put together, wold make a more
perpolite cathedral Dodor than thy felfe: for all
language at thy fingers ende thou haft as perfedt
as Spruce, and nere a Dicke Haruey, or cathedral
Dodlor of them all, can read a more fmooth
fuccind Lifjian Ledure of fhort haire, than thou
ouer thy Barbars Chaire, if thou bee fo difpofed,
nor ftand and encounter all commers fo con-
ftantly.

Dick, I exhort thee as a brother, be not a horfe
to forget thy own worth : thou art in place where
thou maift promote thy felfe, do not clofe-prifon
and eclipfe thy vertues in the narrow glafle lan-
thorne of thy Barbers fhop, but reflpdb them vp
and downe the Realme : like to thofe profpedtiue
glafles which exprefle not the fimilitudes they re-
ceiue neere hand, but caft them in the ayre afarre
off, where they are more clerely reprefented.

Commence, commence, I admonifti thee, thy
merits are ripe for it, & there haue been Dodors
of thy Facultie, as Dodlor Dodipowle for example:/
and here in London, yet extant viva voce to teftifie,
DoStor Nott and DoHor Powle, none of which in
not ting and pawling go beyond thee. To vtter
vnto thee my fancie as touching thofe Neoterick
tongues thou profefleft, in whofe pronunciation old

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 19

Tooly and thou varie as much, as Stephen Gardineer,
and Sir lohn Cheeke about the pronunciation of the
Greeke tongue : loe, for a teftifying incouragement
how much I wifh thy encreafe in thofe languages,
I haue here tooke the paines to nit and louze ouer
the Dodours Booke, and though manie cholericke
Cookes about London in a mad rage haue dis-
membred it, and thruft it piping hot into the ouen
vnder the bottomes of dowfets, and impioufly
prickt the torne fheetes of it, for bafting paper, on
the outfides of Geefe and roafting Beefe, to keepe
them from burning ; yet haue I naturally cheriflit
it and hugd it in my bofome, euen as a Carrier of
Bojomes Inne dooth a Cheefe vnder his arme, and
the pureft Parma/en magget Phrafes therein, cull'd
and pickt out to prefent thee with.

Read and perufe them ouer, as diligently as
thou wouldft doo a charme againft the tooth-ache :
for this I can gofpelly auouch, no fleight paynes
hath the Doftour tooke in coUeding them, / con-
fulting a whole quarter of a yeare with 'Textors
Epithites (which he borrowd of a frend of mine
in Poules Churchyard) only to pounfe them out
more poetically.

Be not felf-wild, but infift in my precepts, and
I will tutour thee fo Pythagoreanly how to hufband
them in al companies, that euen Willington* himfelfe,

* In old MS. ' Wmiamfan.'—G.

20 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

thy fellow Barbar in Cambridge, (who hath long
borne the bell for finicall defcanting on the
Crates) fhalbe conftrained to worfhip and offer to
thee.

Abruptly to breake into the bowels of this Index
of bald inkhornifme, what faift thou for all thou
A ragiorrowd art reputcd fuch an anigmaticall linguiji

from his owne , , , , j ■

dunghii. (vnder the doctors terme probatone
licenfe bee it fpoken, being a terme with him as
frequent as ftanding vpon termes among lawiers),
canfl: thou enter into the true nature of villanie
by conniuence? I hold a groate thou canft not
confter it. A word it is, that the Dodtor lay
a whole weeke and a day & a night, entranced
on his bed, to bring forth, and on the Munday
euening late, caufd all the bels, in the Parifh where
he then foiournd, to be rong forth, for ioy that he
was deliuerd of it.

Repent, and be afhamed of thy rudenefle: O
thou that haft made fo manie men winke whyles
thou caft fuds in their eyes, and yet knoweft not
what / Conniuence meanes. Plodding and dunfti-
cally like a clowne of Cherry -hinton, bafely thou
befeecheft them to winke, whiles thou mak'ft a
Tennis-court of their faces, by brick-walling thy
clay-balls crofTe vp and downe their cheekes:
whereas if thou wert right orthographizd in the
Dodlors elocution, thou wouldft fay in ftead of.

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 21

I pray Sir winke, I muft wafh you. Sir, by your
fauour I muft require your conniuence.

Againe, it is thy cuftome, being fent for to fome
tall old finckanter, or ftigmaticall bearded Mafter
of Arte, that hath been chin-bound euer fince
Charles the ninths maflacre in France^ to rufti in
bluntly with thy wafhing bowle and thy nurfe-
cloutes vnder thy cloake, and after a few fcraping
ceremonies, to aflce if his Worfhip bee at leafure
to be recreated.

A malo in peius, that is the meaneft falutation
that ere I heard : vtterly thou bewrayeft thy non-
prqficencie in the Dodors Paracelfian rope-retorique.
What a peftilence, a yong braine, and fo poore
and penurious in Congest Rayfe thy conceipt on
the trees, or rather than faile, new corke it at the
heeles, before it ftiould thus walke bare-foote vp
• and downe the ftreetes.

Hence take thy Harueticall exordium, if thou
wouldft haue thy conceit the worlds fauourite at
firft / dafh, Omnifcious and omnijufficient Mafier
Doctor, (for fo hee calls Cornelius Agrippd) will it
pleaje you to bee cojmologizd andjmirkt ?

Suppofe a Bifhop come to the Vniuerfitie, as the
Bifhop of Lincolne fomtimes to vifit Kings Colledge,
and the Bifhop of Ely Saint Johns, (whiles there
was euer a biftiop there,) a playne bifhop (like
Martin) at euerie word thou wilt terme him.

22 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

whereas if thou wert but one hower entred
commons in Haruey de Oratore, A great Pontife or
T>emy-god in omnifufficiencie thou wouldft enftall
him.

But to appofe thee more dallyingly and fa-
miliarly. It is giuen out amongft SchoUers, that
thou haft a paffing Angular good wit : now to trie
whither thou haft fo or no, let me heare what
change of phrafes thou haft to defcribe a good
wit in, or how, in Pedagogue Tragotanto Doftors
englifh, thou canft florifti vpon it.

I feele thy pulfes beat flowly alreadie, although
thou beeft fortie mile off from mee, and this
impotent anfwere (with much adoo) droppes from
thee, euen as iweate from a leane man that drinks
facke ; namely, that thou thinkeft there cannot
much extraordinarie defcant be made of it, ex-
cept it be to fay, fuch a one hath an admirable
capacitie, an incomparable quick inuention, and a
furmounting rich fpirit aboue all men. Hah ha, a
deftitute poore fellow art thou, and haft mift mee
nine fcore : goe, goe, get thee a caudle and keepe
thy felfe warme in thy bed, for, out of queftion,
thy fpirit is in a confumption.

A rich fpirit quoth a ? nay then a fpirit in the
way of honeftie too : loe this it is, to be read in
nothing but in Barnabe Riches workes. Spend
but a quarter fo much time in mumping vppon

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 23

Gabrieli/me, and He be bound, bodie and goods,
thou wilt not anie longer fneakingly come forth
with a rich fpirit and an admirable capacitie, but
an enthujiajlicall fpirit & a nimble entekchy. In
the courfe of my Booke a whole catalogue thou
fhalt finde of all thefe Guiny phrafes, to which, in
zealous care of thy reformation, I referre thee.

Dii boni, boni, quid porta ? What a large Diocefle
of epiftling haue I here progreft through ? The
Summons to a generall Councell, with all the
reafons moouing thereunto, or 'Tindalls Prologue
before the New Teftament, are but fhort Graces
before meate, in comparifon of this my immoderate
Dedication, But the beft is, if it be too long,
thou haft a combe and a paire of fciflers to curtail
it ; or, if thou lift not ftand fo long about it, with
a Trinitie Colledge rubber thou maift epitomize it
extempore.

Mar / rie if thou long to heare the reafon why I
haue fo ftretcht it on the tenter-hookes, forfooth it
is a garment for the woodcocke Gabriel Haruey,
and fooles, ye know, alwaies for the moft part
(efpeciallie if they bee naturall fooles) are futed in
long coates ; wherevpon I fet vp my reft to fhape
his garments of the fame fize, that I might be fure
to fit on his flcirts.

Dick, no more at this time, but Nos-da diu cata-
why, and all fhe recompence I can make thee for

24 THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE.

being, like a Chancery Declaration, fo tiring trouble-
fome vnto thee, is this, if thou wilt haue the
Doftour for an Anatomie, thou (halt ; doo but
fpeake the word, and I am the man will deliuer
him to thee to be fcocht and carbonadoed: but
in anie cafe fpeake quickly, for heere he lies at
the laft gafpe of furrendering all his credit and

reputation.

Tihy Friend Tho. Nafhe,

if thou heeft foe, Dick, to

all the generation of

the Harueys.

Wj^

!P

Wi

^iaB^

i

i

§

To all Chriftian Readers, to whom thefe
Prefents ihall come.

T/f/'ELLfaid, my Maifters, Iperceyue there cannot
a new Booke come forth hut you will haue
a fling at it. Say, what are you reading ? Nalhe
againft Haruey. Fo, thats a flale ieaft, hee hath
been this two or three yeare about it. O gooa
brother Timothie, rule your reqfon, the Miller
gryndes more mens come than one: and thoje that
rejolutely goe through with anie quarrell, muft Jet
all their worldly hujines at aftay, before they draw
it to the foynt. I will not gain/ay but I haue
cherijht a purpo/e of perfecuting this Liff-lander
Bogarian/o long time as ye Jpeak of and that like
the long Jnouted Beaji (whofe backe is Caftle proofe)
carrying her yong in her wombe three yere ere fhe
be deliuered, I haue been big with childe of a common
place of reuenge, euer Jince the hanging of Lopus :
but to Jay I plodded vpon it continually, and vjed
in all thisjpace nothing but gall to make inke with,
is a lye befitting a baje Jwabberly lowjie Jailer, who
hauing been neuer but a month at Jea in his life.

26 TO THE READER.

and duckt at the maim yards arme twice or thrice
for pilferie, when hee comes home jjweares hee hath
been Jeuenteene yeares in the 'Turkes gallies.

Patientia veftra, there is not one pint of wine,
more than the iuft Bill of cojls and charges in
Jetting forth, to be got by anie of thefe bitterfauced
InueSiiues. Some foolifh praife perhaps we may
meete with, Juch as is affoorded to ordinarie lejiers
that make Jport: but otherwije we are like thofe
fugitiue priejis in Spaine and Portugall, whom the
Tope (verie liberally) prefers to Irifh Bifhoprickes,
hut allowes them not a pennie of anie liuing to
maintaine them with, Jaue onely certaine Friers to
beg for them.

High titles (as they of Bifhops and Prelates) Jo
of Poets and Writers, we haue in the world, when
in Jiead of their begging Friers, the fire of our wit
is left, as our onely laft refuge to warme vs.

Haruey and I (a couple of beggers) take vpon
vs to bandie factions , and contend like the Vrfini and
Coloni in Roome : or as the Turkes and Perfians
about Mahomet and Mortus Alii, which fhould bee
the greateji : and (with the Indians^ head our
inuentions arrowes with Vipers teeth, and fleep
them in the bloud of Adders and Serpents, and Jpend
as much time in arguing pro &? contra, as a man
might haue found out the quadrature of the Circle
in: when all the controuerjte is no more but this.

TO THE READER. 27

he began with mee, and cannot tell how to make an
end ; and I would f aim end or rid my hands of him,
if he had not firjl begun.

I proteji I doo not write againfi him becauje I hate
him, but that I would confirme and plainly fhew,
to a number of weake beleeuers in my fufficiencie, that
I am able to anfwere him : and his f rends, and not
his enemies let j him thanke for this heauie load
of difgrace I lay vpon him, fince theyr extreame
dijabling of mee in this kinde, £s? vrging what
a triumph he had ouer me, hath made me to ranfacke
my flandifh more than I would.

This I will boldly Jay, looke how long it is fince
he writ againjl me, Jo long haue I giuen him a leaje
of his life, G* he hath onely held it by my mercie.

His Booke, or Magna Charta, which againfi
M. Lilly id me he addrefi, I hauing kept idle by
me, in a by Jettle out of fight amongfi old fhooes and
bootes almoft this two yere, and in meere pitie of him
would neuer looke vpon it but injome calme pleafing
humor, for feare leafi in my melancholy too cruelly
I fhould haue martyrd him.

And yet, though vengeance comes not Zephiris
& hirundine prima, in the firfi Jpringing prime
of his Jchijme and herefie, let him not looke for one
of Frier Tecelius Pardons, he that (as Sleidane
reports) fir ft ftird vp Luther, pronouncing from the
Tope free Jalarie indulgence to anie man, though

28 TO THE READER.

he had deflowted the Virgine Mary, and ahjolution
as well for finnes paji as finnes to come : for I meane
to come vpon him with a tempefi of thunder and
lightning, worje than the ftormss in the Wefi Indies
cald the Furicanoes, and compleate arme more words
for his confufion, than Wezell in Germanic is able
to arme men, that hath ahjolute furniture for three
hundred thoufand at all times.

Gentlemen, what think ye of this fober mortified
fiile? I dare fay a number of ye haue drawn it to
a verdit alredie : and as an Elephants forelegs are
longer than his hinder, fo you imagine my former
confutation wilbe better than my latter. Nay, then,
Aefopum non attriuiftis, you are as ignorant in the
true mouings of my Mufe as the / Afironomers are
in the true mouings of Mars, which to this day they
could neuer attaine too. For how euer, in the firfi
fetting foorth, I martch faire and foftly, like a man
that rides vpon his owne horfe, and like the Cafpian
fea feeme neither to ebbe nor flow, but keep afmooth
plain forme in my eloquence, as one of the Lacede-
monian Ephori, or Baldwin in his morrall fentences
(which now are all fnatcht vp for painters pofies) :
yet you Jhallfee me, in two or three leaues hence, crie
Heigh for our towne greene, and powre hot boy ling
inke on this contemptible Heggledepegs barrain fcalp,
as men condemned for fiealing by Richard de corde
Lions law, had hot boyling . pitch powrd on their

TO THE READER. 29

heads, and feathers ftrewd vppon, that where/oeuer
they came, they might be kmwne.

I know I am too long in ■preparing an entrance
into my 'Text, fed tandem denique to the matter
and the purpofe.

The method I meane to vfe, in perjecuting this
Peter Maluenda and Sinibaldo Crafko, is no more
but this.

Memorandum, I frame my whole Booke in the
nature of a Dialogue, much like BuUen and his
DoSlor Tocrub, whereof the Interlocuters are thefe :

Inprimis, Senior Importunio, the Opponent.

The Jecond, Grand Confiliadore, chief e Cenfor or
Moderator.

The third. Domino Bentiuole, one that fiands,
as it were, at the line in a Tennis-court, and takes
euerie ball at the volly.

Thefourth,Don Carneades de booneCompagniola,
who like a bufie Countrey lufiice fits on the Bench
and preacheth to theeues out of their own confejjions :
or rather, like a duartermajler or Treafurer of
Bride-well, whofe office / is to giue fo many Jirokes
with the hammer, as the publican vnchafi offender is
to haue ftripes, and by the fame Tuballs mufique to
warne the blue-coate Corrector when he fhould patience
and furceafe : fo continually, when by Senior Impor-
tuno the Do£lor is brought to the Crojfe, Don
Carneades /f/j downe what proportion of iujiice is to

30 TO THE READER.

be executed vpon him, and, when his backe hath bled
Sufficient, giues afignall of retrayt.

Neither would I haue you imagine that all theje
perfonages are fained, like Americke Vefputius, Cff
the reft of the Antwerpe Speakers in Sir Thomas
Moores Vtopia : for, as true as Bankes his Hor/e
knowes a Spaniard from an Englifhman, or there
went vp one and twentie Maides to the top of Bofton
Steeple, and there came but one downe againe,fo true
it is that there are men which haue dealt with me in
the fame humour that heere I fhaddow. Infome moke
or blind angle of the Black- Friers you may Juppoje
(if you will) this honeft conference to bee held, after
the fame manner that one of theJe Italionate conferences
about a Duell is wont Jolemnly to be handled, which
is, when a man, being Specially toucht in reputation,
or challenged to the field vpon equal tearmes, calls all
his f rends together, and afkes them their aduice how
he fhould carrie felfe in the aSfion.

Him that I tearme Senior Importunio is a Gentle-
man of good qualitie, to whom I reft manie waies
beholding, and one (as the P hilofophers fay of winde
that it is nothing but aire vehemently moou d ) fo hath
he neuer ceaft, with all the vehemence of winde or
breath that he hath, to incite and mooue me to win my
ffurres in this iourney.

Vnder Grand Confiliadore, / allude to a graue
reuerend Gimnofophift (Amicorum amiciffimus, of all

TO THE READER. 31

my Frends the moji zealous) that as Aefculapius buili
an Oracle of the Junne at Athens, /o is his Chamber
an Oracle or Conuocation Chaff ell of found counfaile,
for all the better fort of the fonnes of vnderjlanding
about London, and (as it were) an v/uall market of
good fellowfhif and conference.

Hee alfo (as well as Senior ImportunoJ hath dealt
with me very imfortunately , to emfloy all my Forces
in this Exf edition, and as Hippocates freferued the
Citie of Coos from a great flague or mortalitie
(generally differfod throughout Gvttct)by ferfwading
them to kindle fires in fublique f laces, whereby the
aire might be furified : fo hath hee (in mofi feruent
deuotion to my well dooing) vncejfantly ferjwaded me
tofreferue my credit from iadifh dying of the fcratches,
by fowerfull through enkindling this Pinego Riminos
euerlajling fire of damnation.

For Domino Bentiuole and Don Carneades de
bonne compagniola, they be men that haue as full
fhares in my hue and affection as the former.

The antecedent of the two, befides true refolution
and valure (wherewith he hath ennobled his name
extr aor dinar ie) and a rife f leaf ant wit in conuerftng,
hath in him a ferfeSt vnchangeable true habit of
honeftie, imitating the Arte of Mujique, which the
Profejfours thereof affirme to be infinite and without
end.

And for the fubfoquent or hindermofi of the faire.

32 TQ THE READER.

who likewije is none of the vnworthiefi retainers to
Madame Bellona, hee is another Florentine Poggius
for mirthfuU fportiue conceit £5? quick inuention,
ignem faciens ex lapide nigro, (which Munfter in
his Cojmografhy alledgeth f for the great eft wonder
of England^ that is, wrefting delight out of aniething.
And this ouer and ahoue I will giue in euidence for
his praife, that though all the ancient Records and
Prejidents of ingenuous Apothegs and Emblemes were
burnt, (as Polidore Virgill in King Harry the eights
time burnt all the ancient Records of the true begin-
ning of this our He, after hee hadfinijhed his Chronicle)
yet out of his affluent capacitie they were to be renewed
and reedified farre better.

Theje four with myfelfe, whom I perfonate as
the Rejpondent in the laft place, fhall (according as
God wil giue them grace) clap up a Colloquium
amongft them, and fo fchoole my gentle Comrade, or
neighbour, Quiquifle in Jome few fhort principles of
my learning and induftrie, that (I doubt not) by that
time they haue concluded and dijpatcht, with him, my
Gorboduck Huddleduddle will gladly (on his knees)
refigne to mee his DoSlourfhip ; and as Antifthenes
could not beate Diogenes away from him, but he
would needes be his fcholler whether he would or no :
Jo fhall I haue him haunt me vp and downe to be
my prentife to learne to endite, and doo what I can, I
fhall not be fhut of him.

TO THE READER. Z%

This is once, I both can and wilbe Jhut prefently
of this tedious Chapter of contents, leaf:, whereas I
prepared it as an antipafi to whet your flomacks, it
cleane take away your fiomackes, and you Jurfet of
it before meate come : wherefore, onely giuing you this
one caueat to obferue in reading my Booke, which
Ariftotle prefcribes to them that read Hijlories,
namely, that they bee not tiimis credulos aut incre-
dulos, too rajh or too flow of beleefe, and earneftly
commending me to Qui cytharum neruis, ffj" neruis
temperat arcum, the melodious God of Gam vt / are,
that is life and finnewes, in euerie thing ; as alfo
to loues ancient truftie Roger, frifking come aloft
fprightly Mercury, that hath wings for his mous-
tachies, wings for his ey-browes, wings growing out of
his chinne like a thorough haire, wings at his armes,
like a fooles coate with foure elbowes, wings for his
riding bajes, wings at his heeles in ftead of fpurres,
and is true Prince of Wingan-decoy in euerie thing,
and defiring him to injpire my pen with Jome of his
nimblefi Pomados and Sommerfets, &f be fiill clofe at
my elbow, ftnce now I haue more vfe of him than
Alchumifis, in hue and charitie I take my leaue of
you all, at leaf; of all fuch as heere meane to leaue
and read no further, and hajl to the launching forth
of my Dialogue.

N. III.

Haue with you to Saffron-walden.

DIALOGUS.

Interlocutores, Senior Importuno, Grand Conjiliadore,
Domino Bentiuole, Don Carneades de bonne com-
pagniola. Piers PennileJJe Rejpondent.

Importuno.

HAT, Tom thou art very welcome.
Where haft thou bin this long
time ; walking in Saint Faiths
Church vnder ground, that wee
neuer could fee thee? Or haft
thou tooke thee a Chamber in Cole-harbour,
where they Hue in a continuall myft, betwixt two
Brew-houfes ?

Conjili: Indeed, we haue mift you a great while,
as well fpiritually as corporally; that is, no lefle
in the abfence of your workes, than the want of
your companie : but now, I hope, by your prefence
you will fully fatisfie vs in either.

36 HAUE WITH YOU

Bentiuole: Nay, I would he would but fully
fatisfie and / pay one, which is the Dodor : for
this I can aflure him, he is run farre in arrearages
with expedation, & to recouer himfelfe it wilbe
verie hard, except hee put twice dubble as much
aqua fortis in his inke as he did before.

Carnead: No aqua fortis, if you loue me, for
it almoft poyfoned and fpoyled the fafhion of
Stones the fooles nofe ; and would you haue it be
the deftrudion and defolation of a Doftor Foole
now ? What, content your felfe : a mefle of
Teivkjbury muftard, or a dramme and a halfe
of Tower-hill vineger, will feeme a high feftiuall
banquet, and make a famous coronation fhew on
this forlorne Ciuilians hungry table.

Impor: Tufli, tufh, you are all for left, & make
him be more careles of his credit than he wold
be, by thus contemning and debafing his Aduer-
farie. Will you heare what is the vnited Voyce
and opinion abroad? Confidently they fay, he is
not able to anfwere him, he hath deferd it fo
long, & if he doo anfwere him, howfoeuer it be,
it is nothing fince hee hath been a whole Age
about it, though I, for mine owne part, know
the contrarie, & will engage my oath for him (if
need be) that the moft of this time they thinke
him houering ouer the neaft, he hath fat hatching
of nothing but toies for priuate Gentlemen, &

10 SAFFRON-WALDEN. 37

negleded the peculiar bufines of his reputation, that
fo deeply concerne[s] him, to follow vaine hopes
and had I wift humours about Court, that make
him goe in a thred-bare cloake, and fcarce pay
for boate hire. Often enough I told him of this,
if he would haue belee'ud me; but at length I
am fure he findes it, and repents it all too late.
In no companie I can come, but euerie minute
of an howre, becaufe/they haue taken fpeciall
notice of my loue towards him, they ftill will be
tormenting me with one queftion or another, of
what he is about, what means he to be thus
retchles of his fame, or whither I am fure thofe
things which are pafl vnder his name heretofore
were of his owne dooing, or to get an opinion
of wit hee vfed fome other mans helpe vnder
hande, that nowe hath vtterly giuen him ouer
and forfaken him, whether he be dead or no, or
forbidden to write, or in regard he hath publiflit
a treatife in Diuinitie makes a confcience to meddle
any more in thefe controuerfies ? with a thoufand
other like idle interrogatories : whereto I anfwere
nothing elfe, but that he is idle and new fangled,
beginning many things but foone wearie of them
ere hee be halfe entred, and that hee hath too
much acquaintance in London euer to doo any
good, being like a Curtezan that can deny no
man, or a graue commonwealths Senatour that

38 HAVE WITH YOU

thinkes he is not borne for himfelfe alone; but
as old Laertes in Homers Odijfaa, Dum reliqua
omnia curabat, Jeipfum negligebat, caring for all
other things elfe, fets his owne eftate at fixe and
feauen. ludge you, whom he takes for his beft
friends, what the end of this will be. A difgraced
and condemned man he Hues whiles Haruey thus
hues vnanfwered, worfe than he that hath peace-
ably and quietly put vp an hundred baftinadoes,
or fuifred his face to be made a continual common
wall for men to fpit on. Spittle may be wip't off,
and the print of a broken pate, or brufe with a
cudgell quickly made whole and worne out of
mens memories, but to be a vUlaine in print, or
to be imprinted at London the reprobateft villaine
euer went on two legs, for fuch is / Gabriell
Scurueies (as in thy other booke thou termft him)
his witles malicious teftimony of thee, with other
more rafcally hedge rak't vp termes, familiar to
none but roguifh morts and doxes, is an attainder
that wUl fticke by thee for euer. A blot of
ignominie it is, which though this age or, at the
vtmoft, fuch in this age as haue conuerft or are
acquainted with thee, hold light and ridiculous,
and no more but as a Bulls roaring and bellowing,
and running home mad at euery one in his way,
when he is wounded by the Dogges, and almoft
bayted to death : yet there is an age to come.

TO SAFFRON'WALDEN. ,39

which, knowing neither thee nor him, but by your
feuerall workes iudging of either, will authorife
all hee hath belched forth in thy reproach for
found Gofpell, fince as the prouerbe is, qui tacet
con/entire videtur, thou holding thy peace, and not
confuting him, feemes to confefle and confirme all
whereof hee hath accufed thee, and the innocent,
vnheard, doo perifh as guilty. Deceiue not thy
felfe with the bad fale of his bookes, for though
in no other mans handes, yet in his owne Deflce
they may bee founde after his death, whereby,
while Printing lafts, thy difgrace may laft, & the
Printer (whofe Copie it is) may leaue thy infamie
in Legacie to his heyres, and his heyres to their
next heyres, fucceffiuely to the thirteenth and
fourteenth generation. Cum Priuilegio, forbidding
all other to Print thofe lewd lying Recordes of
thy fcandall and contumely, but the lineall ofF-
fpring of their race in fempiternum. Haft thou
not heard howe Orpheus wrote in the 2700. age
of the world, whereas it is now 5596. and yet his
memorie is frefh, his verfes are extant, whereas all
the Kings, that raignd and furuiude at that time,
haue not fo / much as the firft letter of their names
to pofterity commended : the very fame is thy cafe
with thofe in Germanie, which being executed are
neuer buried. Confider and deliberate well of it,
and if it worke not effedlually with thee I know

40 HA UE WITH YOU

not what will. Neither, if thou beeft fo fencelefle
that thou wilt not let it finke into thee, doo I hold
thee worthy to be any thing but the finke of
contempt, to be excluded out of all men of worths
companies, & counted the abieft fcumme of all
Poets and ballet-makers.

Re/fond: So you haue faid fir. Now, let mee
haue my tume another-while, to counterbuiFe and
beate backe all thofe ouerthwart blowes wherewith
you haue charged me.

Benti : No reafon to the contrarie, but in any
cafe be not choUerick, fince the moft of thofe
fpeeches he hath vttred my owne eares can
witnefle to bee true, when as at diuers great
meetings, and chiefe Ordinaries, I haue. Champion-
like, tooke thy part, and euery one obiefted and
articled againft thee, much after the fame forme
he hath exprefl"ed.

Re/pond : Will you haue patience, and you ihall
heare me exprefi"ely and roundly giue him his
quietus eft? To the firft, wherein he concludes
I am not able to anfwere him becaufe I haue
deferd it fo long ; I anfwere that it followes not,
in fo much as many men that are able to pay
their debts, doo not alwaies difcharge and pay
them prefently at one pufh ; and fecondly, or to
the fecond lye, where he fayth, and I doo anfwere
him it is nothing, fince I haue beene a whole

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 41

age about it. If I lift, I could proue his aflertion
to bee vnder age : but thats all one, I am content
my witte ftiould / take vppon it antiquitie this
once, and nothing elfe in my defence I will
alledge, but Veritas Temporis Jilia, it is onely
time that reuealeth all things : wherefore, though
in as fliort time as a man may learne to run at
Tilt, I could haue gone thorough with inuention
inough to haue run him thorough & confounded
him, yet I muft haue fome further time to get
perfedt intelligence of his life and conuerfation,
one true point whereof, well fet downe, wil more
excruciate & commacerate him, than knocking
him about the eares with his owne ftile in a
hundred fheetes of paper. And this let me
informe the lury ouer and aboue, that age is no
argument to make anie thing ill : & though
graybeard drumbling ouer a Difcourfe be no
crime, I am fubiedl too, yet in the behalfe of
the crazed wits of that ftamp, I will vphold, that
it is no vpright conclufion to fay whatfoeuer is
long laboured is lowfie and not worth a ftraw ;
fince by that reafon yeu might conclude Dianas
temple at Ephefus to haue been a ftinking Doue-
cote or a Hog-fty, becaufe it was 220. yere in
building by the Amazons. Any time this 17. yere
my aduerfary, Frigius Pedagogus, hath laid wafte
paper in pickle, and publifht fome rags of treatifes

42 HAVE WITH YOU

againft Mafter Lilly and mee, which I will iuftifie
haue lyne by him euer iince the great matches
of bowling and fhooting on the Thames vpon
the yce. But for my part, trie mee who will,
and let anie man but finde mee meate and drinke,
with the appurtenances, while I am playing the
paper ftainer, and fifliing for pearle in the bot-
tome of my tar-boxe, and but free me from
thofe outward encumbrances of cares that ouer-
whelme mee, and let this Paraliticke Quackfaluer
fill ten thoufand tunnes with Jcele / rata Jinapis,
fhrewifli, fnappifh muftard, as Plautus calls it,
or botch and cobble vp as manie volumes as he
can betwixt this and domefday, and he fhall fee
I will haue euerie one of them in the nofe ftraight,
and giue as fuddaine extemporall anfweres, as
Pope Siluefters or Frier Bacons brazen head,
which he would haue fet vp on the Plain of
Saljbury. As touching the vain hopes, and had
I wift Court humours, which you fay I follow,
there is no Hufbandman but tills and fowes in
hope of a good crop, though manie times hee
is deluded with a bad Harueft. Court humours,
like cutting of haire, muft either bee obferued
when the Moone is new or in the full, or elfe
no man will haue his hands full that gleanes
after them. Not vnlikely it is they fo queftion
you about the caufe of my long ftay, and their

TO SAFFRON'WALDEN. 43

wits being dull frozen, and halfe dead for want
of matter of delight, (whereof Toules Churchyard
was neuer worfe fuelled) like thofe in Florida or
diuers Countreyes of the Negroes, that kindle fire
by rubbing two flicks one againft another; fo
to recreate and enkindle their decayed fpirits, they
care not how they fet Haruey and mee on fire
one againft another, or whet vs on to confume
our felues. But this Cock fight once paft, I vow
to turne a new leafe, and take another order
with them, refoluing to take vp for the Word,
or Motto, of my patience, Perdere pjfe fat eft, it
it is enough that it is in my power to call a
Seffions and trufle him vp when I lift, concluding
with the Poet, Hum defint hoftes, defit quoque cauja
triumphi, as long as we have no enemies to trouble
vs, it is no matter for anie Triumphs or bonfires :
and as it was faide of the blacke Princes fouldiers,
that they cared for no fpoyle but gold and filuer,
or / feathers, fo euer after I will care for no
conqueft or viftorie, which carries not with it a
prefent rich poffibilitie of rayfing my decayed
fortunes, and Caualier flouriftiing with a feather
in my cappe (hey gallanta) in the face of enuie
and generall Worlds opinion. As newfangled and
idle, and proftituting my pen like a Curtizan, is
the next Item that you taxe me with ; well it
may and it may not bee fo, for neither will

44 HAUE WITH YOU

I deny it nor will I grant it ; onely thus far He
goe with you, that twice or thrife in a month,
when res eft angufta domi, the bottome of my
purfe is turned downeward, & my conduit of
incke will no longer flow for want of reparations,
I am faine to let my Plow ftand fl:ill in the midft
of a furrow, and follow fome of thefe newfangled
Galiardos and Senior Fantafticos, to whose amorous
Villanellas and GLuipaJJas, I profl:itute my pen
in hope of gaine, but otherwife there is no
newfanglenes in mee but pouertie, which alone
maketh mee fo vnconflant to my determined
fludies ; nor idlenefTe, more then difcontented idle
trudging from place to place, too and fro, and
profecuting the meanes to keep mee from idle-
nefle. My Dodlour Vanderhulk, peraduenture, out
of this my indigent confeflion may take occafion
to work piteoufly : It is no matter, I care not,
for many a faire day agoe haue I proclaimed my
felfe to the worlde Piers Pennilejfe, and fufficient
petigrees can I fhewe to prooue him my elder
brother. What more remaineth behinde of the
condemned eftate I fland in, till this Domine
Dewfe-ace be confwapped, & fent with a paire
of newe ftiooes on his feete, and a fcrowie in
his hand to Saint Peter, like a Ruffian when he is
buried: /as alfo of the immortality of the Print,
& how though not this age, yet another age three

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN'. 45

yeares after the building vp the top of Powles
fteeple, may bafFull and infamize my name when
I am in heauen, & fhall neuer feele it, in foure
words I will defeate, and lay defolate, Forfooth
(bee it knowne vnto you) I haue prouided harping
yrons to catch this great Whale : and this Gobin
a grace ap Hannikin, by Gods grace fhall be met
and combatted. Yet this I muft tell you, fir, in
the way of friendfhip twixt you & mee, your
graue fatherly forecafting Forafmuches, and vrging
of pofteritie and after ages, whofe cradle makers
are not yet begot; that they may doo this, and
they may do that, is a ftale imitation of this
heathen Gregorie Huldricke, my Antigonift. And
thus, I truft all reckonings are euen twixt you
and mee.

Import Nay, I promife thee, thou haft giuen
me my Pafport, and I know not what to fay, now
thou fayft he ftiall be anfwerd.

Benti : I am very glad, for thy credits fake,
that thou perfeuer in that purpofe, but more
glad would I bee to fee it abroad and publifht.

Refp : Content your felfe, fo you fhall ; although
it hath gone abroad with his Keeper any time this
quarter of this yeare, but as profounde a reafon
as any I haue alleag'd yet, of the long ftay and
keeping it backe, was, that I might fulfill that
olde verfe in Ouid, Ad metam properate fimul tunc

46 HAUE WITH YOU

"plena voluptas, as much to fay as march together
merrily, and then there will be lufty dooings and
found fport, fo did I ftay for fome company to
march with mee, that wee might haue made round
worke, and gone thorough ftitch : but fince all this
while they come not forwarde according to promife
/ but breake their daye, as the King of Spaine did
with Sebajiian King of Portugall, about his meeting
him at Guandulopeia, when they fhould haue gone
together to the Battaile of Alcazar, veiah diabolo
Saint George, and a tickling pipe of Tobacco, and
then pell mell, all alone haue amongft them, if
there were ten thoufand of them.

Cam: Faith well faid, I perceiue thou fearft
no colours.

Refp: Whatfoeuer I feare. He force lenkin
Heyderry derry both to feare and beare my
colours, and fuite his cheekes (if there be one
pimple of fhame in them) in a perfefter red,
than anie Venice dye.

Confil: Vengeance on that vnluckie dye, may
hee crie, like a fwearing ftvredded gamefter, that
loofeth at one fet all that euer he is worth : but
I prythee (in honeftie) if thou haft anie of the
papers of thy Booke about thee, fhew vs fome
of them, that like a great Inqueft, we may deliuer
our verdit before it come to the Omnigatherum
of Towne and Countrey.

TO SAFFROIir-WALDEN. 47

Refpon: Then gather your felues together in
a ring, and. Grand Confiliadore, be you the grand
commander of filence (which is a chiefe Office in
the Emperour of Ruffiaes Court), for heere it is
in my fleeue that will befliue him : yet, if I be
not deceiued, fome part of the Epiftle I haue read
to you heretofore.

Import: I, to the Barber: fuch a thing I well
remember, but what Barber it was, or where he
dwelt, diredtly thou neuer toldft vs.

Refpon : Yes, that I haue both towld and bookt
him too : neuertheles (for your better vnder-
ftanding) know it is one Dick Litchfield, the
Barber of 'trinity Colledge, a rare / ingenuous
odde merry Greeke, who (as I haue heard) hath
tranflated my Piers Pennilejfe into the Macaronicall
tongue : wherein I wifh hee had been more
tongue-tide, fince, in fome mens incenfed iudge-
ments, it hath too much tongue alreadie, being
aboue 2 yeres fince maimedly tranflated into the
French tongue, and in the Englifh tongue fo
rafcally printed and ill interpreted, as heart can
thinke, or tongue can tell. But I cannot tell
how it is growen to a common fafhion amongft a
number of our common iU liuers, that whatfoeuer
tongue (like a fpaniels tongue) doth not licke their
aged foares and fawne on them, they conclude
it to be an adders tongue to fting them: and

4« JffA UE WITH YOU

wheras wittie Aejofe did buy vp all the tongues
in the market hee could Ipie, as the beft meate
hee efteemed of, they (by all meanes poffible),
euen out of the buckles of theyr girdles, labor
to plucke forth the tongs, for feare they fhould
plucke in their vnfafiate greedie paunches too
ftraight.

Cam : O peace, peace, exercife thy writing
tongue, and let vs have no more of this plaine
Englifti.

Rejf : With a good will, agreed: &, Uke
Mahomets angels in the Alcheron, that are faid
to haue eares ftretching from one end of heauen
to the other, let your attention be indefinite &
without end, for thus I begin.

Mafcula virorum. Saint Mildred and Saint
Agafite I more Letters yet from the Doftor ? nay
then, we fhall be fure to haue a whole Grauejend
Barge full of Newes, and heare foundly of all
matters on both eares. Out vppon it, heere's a
packet of Epiftling, as bigge as a Packe of Woollen
cloth, / or a ftack of falt-fifh. Carrier, didft thou
bring it by wayne, or on horfe-backe ? By wayne,
fir, & it hath crackt me three axeltrees, wherefore
I hope you will confider me the more. Heauie
newes, heauie newes, take them againe, I will
neuer open them. Ah quoth he (deepe fighing)

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 49

to mee, I wot, they are the heauieft, whofe Cart
hath cryde creake vnder them fortie times euerie
furlong : wherefore, if you bee a good man, rather
make mud walls with them, mend high wayes^
or damme vp quagmires with them, than thus
they fhuld endammage mee to my eternall vn-
dooing. I, hearing the fellow fo forlorne and out
of comfort with his luggage, gaue him his Charons
ISlaulum, or ferry three half pence, & fo difmift
him to go to the place from whence he came,
and play at Lodum. But when I came to vnrip
and vnbumbaft this Gargantuan bag-pudding,
and found nothing in it but dogs-tripes, fwines
liuers, oxe galls, and fheepes gutts, I was in a
bitterer chafe than anie Cooke at a long Sermon
when his meate burnes. Doo the Philofophers
(faid I to my felfe) hold that letters are no burden,
& the lighteft and eafieft houfhold ftufFe a man
can remooue ? He be fworne vpon Anthonie
Gueuaras golden Epiftles, if they will, there's
not fo much toyle in remoouing the fiedge from
a Towne, as in taking an inuentorie furuay of
anie one of them. Letters doo you terme them ?
they may be Letters patents well enough for their
tedioufnes : for no ledure at Surgeons Hall
vppon an Anatomic, may compare with them
in longitude. Why, they are longer than the
Statutes of Clothing, or the Charter of London.

N. III. 4

t

50 HAUE WITH YOU

Will ye haue the fimple truth, without any deuices
or playing vpon it ? Gabriell Haruey, my ftale
Gull, & the onely / pure Orator in fenfeles riddles
or Packftonifmey that euer this our litle fhred or
feparate angle of the world fuckled vp, not con-
tent to haue the naked fcalp of his credit new
couered with a falfe periwig of commendations,
and fo returne to his fathers houfe in peace, and
there fuftaine his hungry bodie with wythered
fcallions and greene cheefe, hath fince that time
deepely forfworne himfelf in an arbitrement of
peace, &, after the ancient cuftome of Scottifh
amitie, vnawares proclaimed open warres a frefh
in a whole Alexandrian librarie of wafte paper.
Tiers his Supererogation, or Na/hes Saint Fame,
pretely & quirkingly he chriftens it ; and yet
not fo much to quirke or crofTe me thereby, as
to bleffe himfelfe and make his booke fell, did
hee giue it that title : for hauing found, by much
fhipwrackt experience, that no worke of his, abfo -
lute vnder hys owne name, would pafle, he vfed
heretofore to drawe Sir Philip Sydney, Mafter
Spencer, and other men of higheft credit, into
euerie pild pamphlet he fet foorth ; and now that
he can no longer march vnder their Enfignes,
(from which I haue vtterly chac'd him in my
Foure Letters intercepted) he takes a new lefTon
out of Plutarch, in making benefit of his enemie.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 51

& borrows my name, and the name of Piers
Pennilejfe (one of my Bookes), which he knew
to be moft faleable, (paffing at the leaft through
the pikes of fixe Impreffions) to helpe his bedred
ftufFe to Hmpe out of Powles Churchyard, that
elfe would haue laine vnreprivably fpittled at the
Chandlers. Such a huge drifat of duncerie it is
he hath dungd vp againft me, as was neuer feene
fince the raigne of Auerrois. O tis an vnconfcion-
able vaft gorbellied Volume, bigger bulkt than a
Dutch Hoy, and farre / more boyftrous and cum-
berfome than a paire of Swifsers omnipotent
galeaze breeches. But, it fhuld feeme, he is
alham'd of the incomprehenfible corpulencie
thereof himfelfe, for at the ende of the 199.
Page, hee beginnes with one 100 againe, to make
it feeme little (if I lye you may look and con-
vince mee); & in halfe a quire of paper befides
hath left the Pages vnfigured. I haue read that
the giant Antaeus Shield a{kt a whole Elephants
hyde to couer it, bona fide I vtter it, fcarce a whole
Elephants hyde & a half, would ferue for a couer
to this Gogmagog, lewifh 'Thalmud of abfurdities.
Nay, giue the diuell his due, and there an ende,
the Giant that Magellan found at Caput JanSia
cruets, or Saint Chrift;ofhers pidure at Antwerpe,
or the monftrous images of Sefoftres, or the
Aegiptian Rapfmates are but dwarfFes in com-

52 HAUE WITH YOU

parifon of it. But one Epiftle thereof, to lohn
Wolfe the Printej-, I tooke and weighed in an
Ironmongers fcales, and it counterpoyfeth a Cade
of Herring, and three Holland Cheefes. You
may beleeue me if you will, I was faine to lift
my chamber doore off the hindges, onely to let it
in, it was fo fulfome a fat Bonarobe and terrible
Rounceuall. Once I thought to haue cald in a.
Cooper, that went by and cald for worke, and
bid him hoope it about like the tree at Grays-Inne
gate, for feare ^t fhould burft, it was fo beaftly;
but then I remembred mee the boyes had whoopt
it fufficiently about the ftreetes, and fo I let it alone
for that inftant. Credibly it was once rumord
about the Court, that the Guard meant to trie
mafteries with it before the Queene, and in ftead
of throwing the fledge or the hammer, to hurle it
foorth at the armes ende for a wager. I, I, euerie
one maye ham/mer vpon it as they pleafe, but if
they will hit the nayle on the head pat, as they
fhould, to nothing fo aptly can they compare it
as Africke, which being an vnbounded ftretcht
out Continent, equiualent in greatnes with mofl
Quarters of the Earth, yet neuertheles is (for the
mofl: part) ouer-fpred with barraine fands : fo this
his Babilonian towre, or tome of confutation,
fwelling in dimenfion & magnitude aboue all the
prodigious commentaries and familiar Epiftles

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 53

that euer he wrote, is notwithftanding, more drie,
barraine, and fandie in fubftance, than them all.
Perufe but the Ballet, In Sandonjoyle as late befell,
and you will be more foundly edified by fixe parts.
Sixe and thirtie iheetes it comprehendeth, which
with him is but fixe and thirtie full points ; for he
makes no more diflference twixt a ftieete of paper
and a full point, than there is twixt two blacke
puddings for a pennie, and a pennie for a paire
of blacke puddings. Foule euill goe with it, I
wonder you will prate and tattle of fixe and
thirtie full points, fo compendioufly truft vp (as
may bee) in fixe and thirtie flieetes of paper, when
as thofe are but the fhorteft prouerbs of his wit ;
for he neuer bids a man good morrow, but he
makes a Ipeach as long as a proclamation ; nor
dr^nkes to anie, but he reads a Lefture of three
howers long, He Arte bihendi. O tis a precious
apothegmaticall Pedant, who will finde matter
inough to dilate a whole daye of the firfl; inuen-
tion of Fy, fa, fum, I fmell the bloud of an
Englilh-man : and if hee had a thoufand pound,
hee hath vowd to confume it euerie doyt, to dis-
couer and fearch foorth certaine rare Mathematicall
Experimentes ; as for example, that of tying / a
flea in a chaine, (put in the laft edition of the great
Chronicle) which if by any induftrie hee could
atchieue, his owne name beeing fo generally odious

54 HAUE WITH YOU

throughout Kent and Chriftendome, hee would
prefently transforme Sz; metamorphize it from
Do6tour Haruey to doftour "Ty, (of which ftile
there was a famous Mufition fome few yereS
fince) refoluing, as the laft caft of his mainten-
aunce, altogether to liue by carrying that Flea,
like a monfter, vp and downe the countrey, teach-
ing it to doo trickes, hey come aloft lack, like
an ape ouer the chaine. If you would haue a flea
for the nonce, that you might keepe for a breeder,
why this were a ftately flea indeede to get a braue
race of fleas on : your fly in a boxe is but a
drumble-bee in coparifon of it ; with no expence
at all (on your chin like a witches familiar) you
might feed it, and let the chaine hang downe
on your breaft, like a fl:ale, greafie Courtiers
chaine, with one fl:rop, Alacke and weladay, too
too inconfiderately aduifed was this our Poeticall
Gabriell, when hexameterly entranced, he cride out,

O blefled health, blefled wealth, and blefl"ed

abundance,
O that I had thefe three for the lofl'e of 30

Commenfments.

when he fliould haue exclaimd,

O that I had this flea for the lofle of 30 Com-
menfments.

Peraduenture, he thinkes thus flightly to fl:eale

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 55

away with a Flea in his eare, but I muft flea his
afles fkin ouer his eares a little handfomer, ere wee
part. Thofe that bee fo difpofed to take a view
of him, ere hee bee come to the full Midfommer
Moone, and raging Calen-

i,„ ru' ii-j 1. The picture of Galriell Haruey

tura or his wretchednes, here ^. . j- , , ,^,

' as he IS reaaie to let fly

let them behold his liuely vpoftAjax.

counterfet and portraiture,

not in the pantdfles of his

profperitie, as he was when

he libeld againft my Lord

of Oxford, but in the fingle-

foald pumpes of his aduer-

fitie, with his gowne cafl: offj

vntruffing, and readie to

beray himfelfe vpon the

newes of the going in hand

of my booke.

If you alke why I haue
put him in round hofe, thati
vfually weares Venetians ? it 1
is becaufe I would make him
looke more dapper & plump
and round vpon it, wheras
otherwife he looks like a cafe o? tooth-pikes, or
a Lute pin put in a fute of apparell. Gaze
vppon him who lift, for, I tell you, I am not
a little proud of my workmanfhip, and, though I

56 HAUE WITH YOU

fay it, I haue handled it fo neatly, and fo fprightly,
and withall ouzled, gidumbled, muddled, and
drizled it fo finely, that I forbid euer a Hanns Boll,
Hanns Holbine, or Hanns MuUier of them all (let
them but play true with the face) to amend it, or
come within fortie foote of it. Away, away,
Blockland, TrufTer, Francis de Murre, and the
whole generation of them will fooner catch the
murre and the pofe tenfcore times, ere

Painters . ■*■ r n \

sharp hand- they doo a thing one quarter fo mafterly.

Yea, (without Kerry merry bufTe be it

fpoken) put a whole million of lohannes Mabu-

fiufles of them together, and they ihall not handle

their matters at fliarpe fo handfomly as I.

Benti : From fharpe to come to the poynt : as
farre as I can learne, thou haft all the aduantage
of the quarell, fince both the firft and laft firebrand
of diffention betwixt you was toft by the Doftour.

Rejpond : Tofling (by your fauour) is proper
to the fea ; and fo (like the fea) doth hee toffe
water, and not fire.

Benti : That is toft, or caft water on fire : if hee
did fo, he is the wifer.

Refpon: On a fire of fea-cole you meane, to
make it burne brighter.

Benti : A fire that the fea will coole, or Haruey
find water inough to quench, if you looke not too
it the better.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 57

Rejfon : I warrant, take you no care, He looke
to his water well inough.

Imp : But me thought euen now thou contemndft
him, becaufe hee toft water and not fire ; whereas
in my iudgement, there is not a hairs difference
betwixt being burnd and being drownd, fince
death is the beft of either, and the paine of dying
is not more tedious of the one than of the other.

Refpon : O, you muft not conclude fo defperate,
for euerie toffing billow brings not death in the
mouth of it : befides, if the worft come to the worft,
a good fwimmer may doo much, whereas fire rapit
omnia Jecum, fweepeth cleane where it feazeth.

Importun: I, but haue you not heard that
broken peece of a vearfe, Currenti cede furori ;
giue place to fire or furie, and you ftiall quickly
fee it confume it felfe.

Refpon : j A ftale puddings end, by that reafon
you may as well come vpon mee with Tempus edax
rerum, quid non confumitis anni ? As though there
is anie thing fo eternall and permanent, that con-
fumes and dies not after all his fire of life is fpent.
For mee, I know I fhall Hue, and not die, till
I haue digd the graues of all my enemies : and
that the fire of my wit will not bee fpent, till (as
amongft the Samogetes and Chaldaans) I get it
to be worlhipt as a god of thofe whom it moft
cofounds: and as diuers of the Aethiopians curfe

S8 HAVE WITH YOU

the funne when it rifeth, and worfliip it when it
fetteth ; fo, howeuer they curfe and raile vpon
mee in the beginning, I will compell them to fall
downe and worfhip mee ere I ceafe or make an
end, crying vpon their knees Ponuloi najhe, which
is, in the Ruffian tongue, Haue mercie vpon vs :
but I will not haue mercie or be pacifide, till I
haue left them fo miferable, that very horfes fhal
hardly abftaine from weeping for them, as they did
for the death of dejar ; and if they haue but euer
a dog that lou'd them, he fhall die for griefe, to
view his mafters in that plight.

Conftl : In anie cafe leaue this big thunder of
words, wherein thou vainly fpendft thy fpirits,
before the pufh of the battaile ; and if thou haft
anie fuch exhaled heat of reuenge in the vpper
region of thy braine, let it lighten and flafh pre-
fently in thy aduerfaries face, and not a farre off
threaten thus idely.

Refpon : Threaten idely, faid you ? Nay fure.
He performe as much as hee that went about to
make the dyuing boate twixt Douer and Callis,
and as lightning and thunder neuer lightly goe
afunder, fo in my ftile will I temper them both
togither, mixing thunder with lightning, / and
lightning with thunder, that is, in dreadfull terror
with ftripes, & found thrufts with lowd threats.
Tell mee, haue you a minde to anie thing in the

TO SAFFROJSr-WALDEN. 59

Doftors Booke ? fpeake the word, and I will helpe
you to it vpon the naile ; whether it bee his
words, his metaphors, his methode, his matter, his
meeters. Make your choyce, for I meane to vfe
you moft {lately.

Cam : Then, good gentle Frend (if you will)
let's haue halfe a dozen fpare-ribs of his rethorique,
with tart fauce of taunts correfpondent, a mightie
chyne of his magnificenteft elocution, and a whole
furloyne of his fubftantialleft fentences and fimiles.

Rejp : And fliall, I am for you ; He ferue you
of the beft you may aflure your felfe: with a
continuat 'Tropologicall fpeach I will aftonifh you,
all to bee-fpiced & dredged with fentences and
allegories, not hauing a crum of any coft be-
ftowed vpon it more than the Dodtors owne
cooquerie.

Import : Tropologicall ! O embotched and trucu-
lent. No French gowtie leg, with a gamafh vpon
it, is fo gotchie and boyftrous.

Confi : It founds like the ten-fold ecchoing
rebound of a dubble Cannon in the aire ; and is
able to fpoyle anie little mouth, that offers to
pronounce it.

Rejp : Gentlemen, take God in your minde, &
nere feare you this word Tropologicall, for it is one
of Dick Harueys fheepes trattells in his Lambe of
God.

6o HA UE WITH YOU

Imp : I, Dick Harueys, that may wel be ; for I
neuer heard there was more in him, than would
hard and fcant ferue him to make a Collation :
but for the Dodor, trie it who will, his ftile is
not eafie to be matcht, being commended by diuers
(of good ludgement) for / the beft that ere they
read.

Re/pond: Amongfl: the which number, is a red
' bearded thrid-bare Caualier, who (in my hearing)
at an ordinarie, as he fat fumbling the dice after
fupper, fell in^to thefe tearmes (no talke before
leading him to it) : There is fuch a Booke of
Harueys (meaning this his laft Booke againfl; mee)
as I am a Souldiour and a Gentleman, I proteft I
never met with the like contriued pile of pure
Englifh. O it is deuine and moft admirable, &
fo farre beyond all that euer he publifht hereto-
fore, as day-light beyond candle-light, or tinfell
or leafe-gold aboue arfedine ; with a great many
more exceffiue praifes he beftowed vpon it : which
authentically I fhould haue beleeued, if immediately
vpon the nicke of it, I had not feene him fhrug
his fhoulders, and talk of going to the Bathe, and
after, like a true Pandar (fo much the fitter to be
one of Gabriels Patrons), grew in commending, to
yong gentlemen, two or three of the moft detefted
loathfom whores about London, for peereles
beauteous Paragons, & the pleafingeft wenches

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 6i

in the world ; wherby I gueft, his iudgement
might be infected as wel as his body ; & he
that wold not ftick fo to extoll ftale rotten lac'd
mutton, will, like a true Millanoys, fucke figges
out of an afles fundament, or doo anie thing. I
more than halfe fufped thofe whom you preferre
for the beft iudgements, are of the fame ftampe ;
or if they be not, I wil fet a new ftampe on their
iudgments, hauing (to let them fee their dotage
and error, and what his ftile is they make fuch a
miracle ot) mufterd together, in one galimafrie or
ftiort Oration, moft of the ridiculous fenfeless fen-
tences, finicall, flaunting phrafes, and termagant
inkhorne tearmes throughout his / Booke, and
fram'd it in his owne praife and apologie, becaufe
I would cut his cloake with the Wooll, though Lilly
and Najhe neuer fo cry Non placet thereat. Auditors
awake your attention, and here expe6l the cleare
repurified foule of truth, without the leaft fliadow
of fidion ; the vnflattered pifture of Pedantifme,
that hath no one fmile or crinkle more than it
fhould : for I deeply auow, on my faith and
faluation, if he were a Dodor of gold, here in
his owne clothes he flial appeare to you, & not
fo much as a knot to his winding ftieete, or corner
tip to the fmalleft feluage of his garments I will
infert; only a needle and thred to trufTe vp his
trinkets more roundly (vppon better aduice) I

62 HAUE WITH YOU

am determined to lend him, in hope it may be
his thred of life, and euen by that fingle bountie
dubble ftitch him vnto me to be my deuoted
beadsman till death, but not a pinnes head or a
moaths pallet roome gets he of anie farther
contribution. Hem, cleare your throates, and fpit
foundly ; for now the pageant begins, and the
ftufFe by whole Cart-loads comes in.

An Oration, including moft of the mis-
created words and fentences in the
Dodtors Booke.

Renowmed and amicable Readers, from whom it
is not concealed, that Silence is a Jlaue in a chaine,
and the Ten the hot Jhot of the mujket.

Benti : Marke, marke, a fentence, a fentence.

Orati.

that when the caitife Planet raigneth, of Punical
war ther is no end, tf of the counter-tenor of an
offended Sire no ela.

Came : / Theres two, keepe tally.

Orati.

■Tell mee (I fray you) was euer Pegafus a cow in a

cage. Mercury a mouje in a cheefe, Dexteritie a dog

in a dublet, Ledgerdemaine a flow-worme, Viuacitie

a lazy bones, Evtelechie a flug-flum, Humanitie a

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 63

Jpiitle-man, Rhetorique a dummerell, Poetrie a tum-
bler, Hiftorie a banqrout, Philqfophie a broker ?

Confili : I marry, now it workes.

Refpon : I bely him not a word ; iuft as it is
there, in his owne text it comes together.
Orati.

Why jhould I then, that haue been an incorruptible
Areopage,

Benti : Stay that fame Areopage, hee is a forrey-
ner newe come ouer : let vs examine him if hee
bee the Queenes friend or no, ere he pafTe.

Orati.
without anie pregnant caufe, be thus preftigioujly be-
fiedged, and marked with an Afterifke, by them that
are Juperficiall in 'Theory ?

Came : On my vertuous chaftitie, & in veritie,
pregnant, preftigious, fuperficiall and pretie.

Orati.

In manie extraordinarie remarkeable energeticall
lines, and perfunclorie pamphlets, both in ambidex-
teritie and omnidexteritie, together with matters
adiophorall, haue I dijbalajed my minde, &? not let
flip the leaft occafionet of aduantage, to acquaint the
world with my pregnant propojitions, and rejolute
Aphorijmes.

Confili : That word Aphorifmes Greenes Ex-
equutors may claime from him ; for while hee

64 HA UE WITH YOU

liu'd he had no / goods nor chatties in commoner
vfe than it.

Import: Away, away, I cannot be perfwaded
hee wold euer come forth with anie one of thefe
baldudum baftardly termes.

Re/pond: You cannot: then cannot I be per-
fwaded that you cannot be perfwaded; fince I haue
as much reafon not to credit your bare aflertion,
where you fay you are perfwaded it is not fo, as
you to diftruft my deep vehement proteftatios,
wherin I wold perfwade you it is fo : but if none
of thefe perfwafions or proteftations may preuaile
with your incredulitie, bring me to the booke, if
you pleafe (the Dodtours Booke Jubintelligitur)
and that will foone refolue you.

Import: It fhall not need, I beleeue thee, fince
thou ftandft in it fo ferioufly : yet I wonder thou
fetft not downe, in figures in the margent, in what
line, page, & folio, a man might find euerie one
of thefe fragments, which would haue much fatis-
fied thy Readers.

Rejpon : What, make an Errata in the midft of
my Booke, and haue my margent befcratcht (like
a Merchants booke) with thefe roguifli Arfe-
metrique gibbets or flefh-hookes, and cyphers, or
round oos, lyke pifmeeres egges.^' Content your
felfe, I will neuer do it : or if I were euer minded
to doo it, I could not, fince (as I told you fome

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 65

few leaues before) in more than a quarter of that
his tumbrell of Confutation, he hath left the Pages
vnfigured ; forefeeing by deuination (belike) that
I fliould come to disfigure them.

Confil: I warrant thee I, thou haft figur'd him
well enough as it is ; and if thou hadft tooken the
paynes of quotations or figures, as he would haue
thee, I doubt whether there be anie would euer
haue beftowed fo much / paines to conferre or
examine them.

Carnead: On forward good Piers Reffondent
with your Oration, for I am hungrie vpon it ; and
with this I haue heard alreadie, my appetite is
nothing ftancht, but rather whetted.

Re/pond : Beare witnes my matters, if hee dye
of a furfet, I cannot doo withall, it is his owne
feeking, not mine : as long as I haue it, I am no
niggard of it, at all aduentures I will fet it before
him.

Oration.

Omitting (ficco pede) my encomiafiicall Orations^
and mercuriall andmartiall dijcourjes of the terribilitie
of war, in the aSfiue and cheualrous vaine, euery way
cofarable with the Caualcads of Bellerophon, or Don
Alphofo d'Aualos, my Seraphicall vifions in ^eene
Poetrie, queint theorickes, melancholy proieSis, and
pragmaticall difcourjes ; whoje beau-dejert, and rich
aconomie, the injpiredeft Heliccnifts & arch-patrons

N. III. ' 5

66 HAVE WITH YOU

of our new Omnifcians, haue not ftickt to equipage with
the ancient duinquagenarianSy Centurions, and Chili-
arkes : notwithjianding all which Idees of monjirous
excellencie,fomefmirkingftngularifis, brag Reformifis,
and glicking Remembrancers (not with the multiply-
ing fpirite of the Alchumifi, but the viHaniJi ) feeke
to be majons of infinite contradiction ; they (IJay)
with their frumping Contras, tickling interieEiions,
together with their vehement incenjiues and alle5liues,
as if they would be the onely A per fe a's, or great
A's of puijfance, like Alexander (whom yet Jome of
our moderne Worthies dijdaine to haue Jceptred the
eft Amen of valure), commenfe redoutable Mono-
machies againfi mee, and the dead honnie-bee my
brother.

Bentiu : / A per fe, con per fe, tittle, efi. Amen !
Doft thou not feele thy felfe fpoyld ? why, he
comes vppon thee (man) with a whole Horn-
booke.

Import : What a fupernaturall Hibble de beane it
is, to call his brother a dead honnie-bee ?

Conjil : I laughd at nothing fo much as that
word Archpatrons. Goe thy wayes, thought I :
thou art a Ciuilian, and maift well fetch metaphors
from the Arches : but thou (halt neuer fifli anie
monie from thence whileft thou hu'ft.

Carm : Troth, I would hee might for me (that's
all the harme I wifh him), for then we neede neuer

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN: 67

wifh the Playes at Powles vp againe, but if we
were wearie with walking, and loth to goe too
farre to feeke fport, into the Arches we might
ftep, and heare him plead ; which would bee a
merrier Comedte than euer was old Mother Bomi>y.
As for an inflance : fuppofe hee were to foUicite
fome caufe againft Martinifts, were it not a left
as right fterling as might be, to fee him ftroke
his beard thrice, & begin thus. Graue Heliconifts^
Jerafhicall Omnifcians, csf the only Centurions, Quin-
quagenarians and Chiliarks of our time; may it
fleaje you to be aduertifed, how that certaine Jmirking
Singidarijis, brag Reformifis, and glicking Remem-
brancers, not with the multiplying fpirit of the
Alchumifl, but the villanijl, haue fought to be Mqfons
of infinite contradiction, and with their melancholy
proieSts, frumping contras, tickling interieSlions, and
vehement incenftues & alleSives, in all pragmaticall
terribilitie, commenfe redoubtable Monomachies againft
you, and the beau-dejert ^ Idees of your encomiafticall
Church gouernment, and particular and peculiar
(economies. O we fhould haue the Prodors / and
Regifters as bufie with their Table-books as might
bee to gather phrafes, and all the boyes in the
Towne would be his clients to follow him. Marry
it were neceflarie the Queenes Decypherer fhould
bee one of the High Commiffioners ; for elfe
other-while he would blurt out fuch Brachmannicall

68 HAVE WITH YOU

fulde-fubs, as no bodie fhould be able to vnderftand
him.

Refpon : You make too long glofes oh the text,
attend how it followes.

Oration.
But Mercury fublimed is fome-way a coy & ftout
fellow.

Ben : Verie true, for it is a good medicine for
the itch.

Oration,
andjpite as cloje a Jecretarie as a /cummer,

Carnead : Secretarie Spite and Secretarie Scum-
mer, giue me your hands : I befeech you, what
Noble-men about Court doo you belong too ?

Oration.
Rejolution a forward mate, and Valour a braue
man ;

Bentiv : O braue man, will you buy a braue
dog?

Oration.
Jmpudencie and Slaunder, two arrant vagabonds.

Carnead: I crie you mercie, I alwaies tooke
them for the two Brothers.

Oration.
The world neuer fuch a Scogin as now, and the diuell
neuerfuch a knaue as now.

Bentiu : What a diuell ayles he to rayle fo

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 69

vppon a poore painfull diuell, that dooes for him
all he can ?

Re/pond : Whift, filence on euerie hand ; for
here is the verie S. Georges robes of rhetorique, a
fpeach that I haue tooke vp by the lumpe, as it
lies in his Booke.

Oration. /
WTiat's the Jaluation of Dauid Gorge ? A Nullitie-
What the deification of H. N. ? A Nullitie. What
the glorification of Ket? A Nullitie. What the
JanSification of Browne ? A Nullitie. What
the communitie of Barrow ? A Nullitie. What the
flaufibilitie of Martin? A Nullitie; yea and a
wofull Nullitie, and a piteous Nullitie.

Carnead: What a piteous noyfe, like a fpirit in a
wal, doth he here make with his Nullities ? I fhould
fure run out of my wits, if one fhould come to
my chamber doore at midnight, with nothing but
fuch a difmall note of A Nullitie, a Nullitie !

Oration.

Nay, be you Load-Jiones to exhale what I fay.
Martin is a Guerra, Browne a browne-bill, £s?
Barrow a wheel-barrow ; Ket a kight, H. N. an
o. k. ; and to conclude, as the Wheele was an ancient
Hieroglyphicke amongft the Aegyptians, Jo Jome
tooles are falje prophets.

Bentiu : Thats the caufe wee haue fo manie bad

70 HAUE WITH YOU

workmen now a daies : put vp a Bill againfl: them
next Parliament.

Import: But if he had faid, manie men haue
fome tooles that are litle for their profit, he had
hit the mark fomewhat nearer.

Oration.
ludas, the Gaulonite, in the raigne of Herod was a
hot toafi.

Cam : It cannot choofe but he lou'd ale well,
then.

Oration,
and prejent examples we haue, as hot as frejh, that
he that hath time hath life.

Conftl : I In good time be it fpoken.

Import : A good admonition to Mufitions to
keepe time with their inftruments, if they be
defirous to Hue long.

Oration.
Duke Allocer on his lufiie cock-horfe is a hot familiar,
Carnead : Let him but Hue in London halfe a
yeare, and there be them that wil take him downe
and coole him, were he twice as hot.

Oration,
and nofuch Arte memoratiue as the crab-tree defke :

Conftl : No ; what fay you to a crab-tree
cudgell? if it were well hufbanded about his

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 71

ihoulders, I thinke it would make him remember
it time enough.

Oration.

for, vnder correStion of the arte notorie be it fpoken,
enuie is a Joaking regijier, and mortall fewde the
claw of an adamant.

Import : Hath adamant fuch fharpe clawes ? that
makes it hold yron fo faft, when it hath it.

Refpon: Harke, harke, how hee praifeth Sir
Philip Sidney.

Oration.

Sweete Sir Philip Sidney, he was the Gentleman
of curtefie and the very Efquire of induflrie ?

Carnea : The Efquire of induftrie ? O fcabbed
fcald fquire (Scythian Gabriell) as thou art, fo
vnder-foot to commend the cleereft myrrour of
true Nobilitie.

Confil: What a mifchiefe does he taking anie
mans name in his vlcerous mouth .? that, being fo
feftred and ranckled with barbarifme, is able to
ruft and canker it, were it neuer fo refplendent.

Refpon : / In all his praifes he is the mofl:
forefpoken and vnfortunate vnder heauen, & thofe
whom he feruenteft ftriues to grace and honour,
he mofl: diflionors and difgraceth by fome vncir-
cumcifed fluttifh epithite or other : and euen to
talke treafon he may be drawn vnwares, and neuer

72 HAVE WITH YOU

haue atiie fuch intent, for want of difcretion how to
manage his words.

Bent : It is a common fcoffe amongfi: vs, to call
anie foolifh prodigall yong gallant, the gentleman
or floure of curtefie ; & (if it were wel fcand) I am
of the opinion, with the fame purpofe hee did it
to fcoiFe and deride Sir Philip Sydney, in calling
him the Gentleman of curtefie, and the verie
efquire of induftrie.

Re/pond : Poore tame-witted filly Quirko, on my
confcience I dare excufe him, hee had neuer anie
fuch thought, but did it in as meere earneft, as
euer in commendation of himfelfe and his brothers
hee writ thefe two verfes ;

Singular are theje three, lohn, Richard, Gabriel

Haruy,
For Logique, Philo/ophie, Rhetorique, Aftronomie.

as alfo, in like innocent innocent wel meaning,
added he this that enfues.

Oration.
His Entelechy was fine Greece, and the fineji Tufcanifme
in graine. Although I could tickle him with a
contrarie prefident, where he calls Tufcanifme, as a
horrible crime, in a Noble-mans teeth.

Carnead : Bodie of mee, this is worfe than all
the reft, he fets foorth Sir Philip Sidney in the verie
ftyle of a Diers Signe. As if hee ftiould haue faid :

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 73

HEERE

WITHIN THIS

PLACE IS ONE THAT DI-

ETH ALL KINDE OF EN-

TELECHY IN FINE GREECE,

AND THE FINEST TVSCA-

NISME IN GRAINE THAT

MAY BEE, OR ANY COLOVR

ELSE YE WOLD DESIRE. AND

SO GOD SAVE THE QVEENE./

Bentiu. More Copie, more Copie, we leefe a

great deale of time foe want of Text.

Imp. Apace, out with it ; and let vs nere ftand
paufing or looking about, fince we are thus far

onward.

Oration.

But Jome had rather be a Pol-cat with a Jiinking
Jiirre, than a Mujke-cat with gracious Jauour.

Bentiu. I fmell him, I fmell him: the wrongs
that thou haft ofFred him are fo intollerable, as they,
would make a Cat fpeake ; therefore looke to it
Najhe, for with one Pol-cat perfume or another, hee
will poyfon thee, if he be not able to anfwere thee.

Carnead. Pol-cat and Muike-cat? there wants
but a Cat a mountaine, and then there would be
old fcratching.

Bentiu. I, but not onely no ordinarie Cat, but
a Mufke-cat, and not onely a Muflce-cat, but a

74 HAVE WITH YOU

Mujke-cat with gracious Jauour (which founds
like a Princes ftile Dei gratia). Not Tibault or
I/egrim, Prince of Cattes, were euer endowed with
the like Title.

Rejpon. I Since you can make fo much of a little,
you fliall haue more of it.

Oration.
'To vtter the entrayles of a ffhericall heart in few
fillahles, Mujke is a Jweete curtezan, and Jugar and
honey daintie hifocrytes.

Bentiu. O fweeter and fweeter, fome bodie lend
me a hand-kercher, that I may carry fome home in
my pocket for my little God-fonne.

Carnead. Madame Mufke, if you be a curtezan
(as the Dodtour informes vs) fure you haue dreft
a number of my friends fweetly, haue you not }
But you were neuer otherwife like, for mans
apparaile & womans apparaile, all was one to you;
and fome myfterie there was in it, that they alwayes
cride, Foh, what a ftinke is heere ? and ftopt their
nofes when you came neere them. For your wor-
fhips, Mafter Sugar & Mafter Honie, (be you
likewife fuch daintie hipocrytes as he giues tefti-
monie) I doubt not but at one time or other we
fhall tafte you.

Rejpond. Stay, let me looke vpon it: I, it is the
fame, right IJenborough good, or neuer truft mee.
A fpeach or fudden exclamation, which, after hee

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 75

had been in a deadly found for fixe or feauen houres

(vppon what fear-procured fickness I leaue you to

imagine) was the firft words vpon his reuiuing he

vttered.

Oration.

O Humanitie my LuUius, and Diuinitie my Paracelfus.

Confil. As much to fay, as all the humanitie he
hath, is gathered out of Lullius, and all his diuinitie,
or religion, out of Paracelfus.

Carnead. Let him call vppon Kelly, who is better
than / them both ; and for the fpirites and foules
of the ancient Alchumifts, he hath them fo clofe
emprifoned in the firie purgatorie of his fornace,
that for the welth of the King of Spaines Indies, it
is not poffible to releafe or get the third part of a
nit of anie one of them, to help anie but himfelfe.

Import. Whether you call his fire Purgatorie or
no, the fire of Alchumie hath wrought fuch a pur-
gation or purgatory, in a great number of mens
purfes in England, that it hath clean fir'd the out
of al they haue.

Rejpond. Therefore, our Dodor (verie well heere
towards the latter end of his Oration) comes in with
a cooling card.

Oration.
Cordially I could wijh, that the pelting home of theje
Jiurres (according to the faciall law) were rebated,
wherby our popular s might tajie of Jome more plaufible

76 HAUE WITH YOU

Panegericall Orations, fine 'Theurgie, and profound
ejjentiall God-full arguments.

Carnead. Soft, ere I goe anie further, I care not
if I draw out my purfe, and change fome odde
peeces of olde Englifh for new coyne ; but it is no
matter, vpon the Retourne from Guiana, the valua-
tion of them may alter, and that which is currant
now be then copper. Onely this word Godfull
goes with mee, if it be but to court a widdow in
Chrift, or holy lifter of ours with, that weares "Thy
Jfirit be with vs for the pofie of her ring.

Oration.

But the arte of figges had euer a dappert wit, and a
deft conceit : Saint Fame giue him ioy of his blacke
cole, £57" his white chalke.

Confil. / Saint Fame is one of the notorious
nicke-names he giues thee, as alfo vnder the arte of
figges (to cleaue him from the crowne to the wafte
with a quip) he ftiadowes Mafter Lilly : but if
betweene you you doo not fo chalke him vp for
a Crimme £5? Maniquenbecke, and draw him in cole
more artificially than the face in cole that Michaell
Angela and Raphaell Vrbin went to buffets about, I
would you might be cole carriers or pioners in a '
cole-pit, whiles colliers ride vpon collimol cuts, or
there be any reprifalls of purfes twixt this and
Cole-brooke.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. tj

Re/pond. Pacific your confcience, and leaue your
imprecations, wee will beare no coales, neuer feare
you. As for him whom (fo artlefle and againft the
haire of anie fimilitude or coherence) hee calls the
arte offigges, he fhall not need long to call for his
figs, for hee will bee choakt foone inough with
them ; they hauing lyne ripe by him readie gathered
(wanting nothing but preffing) anie time this twelue
month. For my owne proper perfon, if I doo not
(in requitall of S. Fame) enfaint and canonife him
for the famoufeft Paliard and Senior Penaquila, that
hath breathed fince the raigne of S. 'Tor, let all the
droppings of my pen bee feazed vpon by the
^ueenes Takers for Tarre to drefle ihips with. I
tarry too trifling fuperfluoufly in the twittle cum-
twattles of his Text : take it, with a wennion,
altogether, if you will haue it.
I

Oration.

Embellijhtly I can rejolue them, here they Jhall not
meete with chalke for cheefe ; and though Jome drinke
oyle of frickes for a reftoratiue, they Jhall haue much
adoo to void Jirrupe of Rofes : for it is not euerie mans
blab that cajis a Jheefes / eye out of a calues head,
and for ought I know, IJee no reafon why the Wheel-
wright may not be. as honejl a man and pregnant
m^echanician as the Cutler, the Cutler as the Drawer,
the Drawer as the Cutter, and the Writer as the

78 HAUE WITH YOU

Printer. And Jo I recommend euery one and them
all, to your curtejies.

Tour mindfull debter,

Gabriell Haruey.

[Carnead.'] Thou haft oppreft vs with an Inun-
dation of " Bijcanifme " ; and though we wouJd
faine haue made him ftand in a white ftieet for his
Biscanism the baudic oyle of priclcs (a common receipt
Sp'^nishf^ven ^r the grcene ficknes); as alfo examind
^"'Z^gT&T h's firrupe of rofes, wherein Rofe

English. Plowers is beft experimented, yet time
& tide (that ftaies for no man) forbids vs to tire
any more on this carrion, being more than glutted
with it alreadie.

Bentiv. But yet to giue him this one comfort
at the parting, it had not been amifle, that whereas
he ftands in fuch feare of cafting his fheeps eye
out of his calues head, thou neuer meantft it, but
if it were an oxes hee fhould ftill keepe it, and
rather thou wouldft enlarge it than empayre it.

Refpond. I, make it vp a paire (I fweare) rather
than he ftiould bee vnprouided. Refponde breuiter.
Senior Importuno: haue not I comprehended all
the Dodtors workes brauely, like Homers Iliads in
the compafle of a nut-fhell ? Now where be our
honorable Caualiers, that keepe fuch a prating and
a gabrill about our Gabriell and his admirable ftile,
(nothing fo good as Littletons, with his lohn a

TO SAFPRON-WALDEN. 79

Nokes, and lohn a Stiles) let them look to it I
wold aduife them, for the courfe they take in / com-
mending this courfe Himfenhempen Slampamp, this
ftale Apple-fquire Cockle demoy, who, fome 1 8 yeares
fince, when thefe Italionate carnation painted horfe
tayles were in fafhion, in felfe fame fort was about
(if his chamber fellow had not ouer-rulde him) to
haue fcutchaneled and painted his pickerdeuant,
to make it trauer-like antick : this iadifh courfe,
this iauels courfe, this drumbling courfe, this dry
braind courfe, if you perfeuer and infift in, and
on the toppe of afles bufkind eares, thus labour to
build trophees of theyr praife, canonizing euerie
Bel-Jhangles, the water-bearer, for a Saint, and the
contemptibleft worlds difh-cloute for a Relique ;
inipiredly I prophecie, your endes will be Ale
and Shorditch, that all preferment and good fpirits
will abandon you : and more, (to plague you
for your afoftata conceipts) ballets fhalbee made
of your bafe deaths, euen as there was of Cutting
Ball.

Conftl. Ho Ball, ho ; in the name of God, whether
wilt thou ?

Re/pond. To Saffron-walden as faft as I can,
though I goe a little way about.

Import. Vnfortunate Gabriell, I am forry for him,
for he hath been a man of good parts.

Re/pond. Good parts ? He name you one of

8o HAUE WITH YOU

feauen times better parts than, he, whom you and
I and euery one heere, haue knowen from our
childhood.

Import. Who is that ?

Re/pond. In Speach, with his eight Parts. But
without further fpeach, that you may throghly be
refolu'd what thofe good parts are, you enable the
Doftor for, here haue I fet downe his whole life
from his infancie to this prefent 96, euen as they
vfe in the beginning of a Booke / to fet down the
life of anie memorable ancient Author. Difpenfe
with it though it drink fome inck, or prodigally
difpend manie Pages, that might haue been better
employd ; for if it yeeld you not fport for your
money, at the fame price fliall you buye mee for
your bond-flaue, that my Booke cofts you.

Carnead. On that condition, wee will make thee
a leafe of our attention for three Hues and a halfe,
or a hundred lacking one.

TChe life ^and godly education from his child-
hood of that thrice famous Clarke, and
worthie Orator and Poet
Gabriell Harvey.

Gabriell Harney, of the age of fortie eight or
vpwards, {I'urpe Jenex miles, tis time for fuch an
olde foole to leaue playing the fwalh-buckler) was
borne at Saffron-walden, none of the obfcureft

TO SAFFRON- WALDBN. %i

Townes in EJfex. For his parentage, I will fay, as
Polidore Virgill faith of Cardinall Woljey, Parentem
hahuit virum probum, at lanium, he had a reafonable
honeft man to his father, but he was a butcher ; fo
Gabriell Haruey had one Good-man Haruey to his
father, a true fubiedt, that paid fcot and lot, in the
Parilh where he dwelt, with the beft of them, but
yet he was a Rope-maker : Id quod reminifci nolebat
(as PoUdore goes forward) vt rem vtique perfona
illius indignam, that which is death to Gabriell to
remember, as a matter euerie way derogatorie to
his perfon, quarejecum totos dies cogitabat, qualis ejfet,
non vnde eJfet ; wherefore from time to time he doth
nothing but turmoile his thoghts how to raife his
eftate, and inuent new petegrees, and what / great
Noble-mans baftard hee was likely to bee, not whofe
fonne he is reputed to bee.

Confil, Giue me leaue before thou readjl any
further. I would not wijh thee fo to vpbraid him
with his birth, which if he could remedie it were
another matter ; but it is his Fortune, and Natures,
&" neither his fathers fault nor his.

Re/pond. Neither as his fathers nor his fault
doo I vrge it, otherwife than it is his fault to
beare himfelfe too arrogantly aboue his birth, and
to contemne and forget the houfe from whence he
came ; which is the reafon that hath induced mee
(afwell in this Treatife as my former Writings) to

N. III. 6

82 HAVE WITH YOU

remember him of it, not as anie fuch hainous
difcredit fimply of it felfe, if his horrible infulting
pride were not :

Nam genus & proavos, & qua mn fecimus if ft,
Vix ea noftra voco.

It is no true glorie of ours what our fore-fathers
did, nor are we to anfwere for anie finnes of theirs.
Demojlhenes was the fonne of a Cutler, Socrates of a
Midwife ; which detraded neyther from the ones
eloquence, nor the others wifedome : (farre be it
that eyther in eloquence or wifedome I fhould
compare Gabriell to either of them.) Marry, for
Demojlhenes or Socrates to be afhamed or take it in
high derifio (which they neuer did) the one to be
faid to haue a Cutler to his father, or the other that
hee had a Mid-wife to his mother (as Haruey doth
to haue himfelfe or anie of his brothers called the
fonnes of a Rope-maker, which by his own priuate
confeffion to fome of my friends, was the onely
thing that moft fet him a fire againft me) I wil
iuftify it, might argue the or him more inferior &
defpicable, / than anye Cutler, Mid-wife, or Rope-
maker. Turne ouer his two bookes he hath pub-
liflied againft me (whereon he hath clapt paper
Gods plentie, if that would preffe a man to death),
and fee if in the waye of anfwer, or otherwife, he
once mention the word rope-maker, or come within

TO SAPFRON-WALDEN. 83

fortie foot of it: except in one place of his firfl:
booke, where hee nameth it not neither, but goes
thus cleanly to worke, (as heretofore I haue fet
downe) though hee could finde no roome in the
expence of 36 Iheetes of paper to refute it: And
may not a goodjonne haue a reprobate to his father ?
(a Periphrajis of a Rope-maker, which (if [I]
fhould ihryue my felfe) I neuer heard before. This
is once : I haue giuen him caufe enough I wot
to haue (tumbled at it, and take notice of it ; for
where, in his firft booke, hee cafts the begger in
my difh at euerie third fillable, and fo, like an Em-
perour, triumphs ouer mee, as though he had the
Philofophers Stone to play at foot-bal with, & I
were a poore Alchumifl: new fet vp, that had fcarce
money to buy beechen coles for my fornace. In
kind guerdon and requitall, I told him in Pier^
Pennilejfe Apologie, 'That he need not be Jo luftie, if
(like the Peacocke) he lookt downe to the foule feete
that vpheld him, for he was but the Jonne of a Rope-
maker ; and he would not haue a fhoo to put on his
feete, if his father had not traffique with the Hang-
man. And in another place, when he brought the
Towne Seale or next luftices hands (as it were) to
witnes, that his father was an honeft man ; which
no man denide or impaired anie further, than faying,
He got his liuing backward, £5? that he had kept three
fonnes at the Vniuerfitie a long time ; I ioynd ifTue

84 HA UE WITH YOU

with them and confirmed it, & added, Nay which /
is more, three -proud Jonnes, that when they met the
hang-man (their fathers beft cuftomer) would not put
off their hatts to him ; with other by-glances, to
the like efFedt : which he filently ouer-flcippeth, to
withdraw men (lapwing-like) from his neaft, as
much as might bee. Onely hee tells a foolifh twittle
twattle boafting tale, (amidft his impudent brazen-
fac'd defamation of Dodtor Feme) of the Funerall
of his kinfman, Sir Thomas Smith, (which word kins-
man, I wonderd, he caufd not to be fet in great
capitall letters), and how in thofe Obfequies he was
a chiefe Mourner. I wis his father was of a more
humble fpirit ; who, in gratefull lieu and remem-
brance of the hempen myfterie that hee was
beholding too, and the patrons and places that
were his trades chiefe maintainers and fupporters,
prouided that the firft letter each of his fonnes
names began with fhould allude and correfpond
with the chiefe marts of his traffick, & of his
profeffion & occupation ; as Gabriell, his eldeft
fonnes name, beginning with a G for Gallowes,
lohn with a I for layle, Richard with an R for
Rope-maker ; as much to fay, as all his whole
liuing depended on the layle, the Gallowes, &
making of Ropes. Another brother there is, whofe
name I haue forgot, though I am fure it iumpes
with this Alphabet. lumpe or iarre they with me

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. -85

as they fee caufe, this counfaile (if the cafe were
mine) I would giue them, not to bee daunted or
blanckt anie whit, had they ten hundred thoufand
legions of hangum tuums or per collum fendere debes
to their fathers, and any fliould twit them or gaule
with it neuer fo: but as Agathocles comming from
a durt-kneading Potter to be a King, would (in
memorie of that his firft voca / tion) be ferued euer
after, as well in earthen difhes as fumptuous royal
plate ; fo, had they but one royall of plate or fixe
pennie peece amongft them, they fhuld plat (what
euer their other cheere were) to haue a fait eele, in
refemblance of a ropes end, continuallye feru'd in
to their tables ; or if they were not able to be at
fuch charges, let them caft but for a twopenny rope
of onions euerie day to be brought in, in ftead of
frute, for a clofing vp of their ftomackcs. It
cannot doo amifle, it will remember them they are
mortal, & whence they came, & whether they are
to goe. Were I a Lord (I make the Lord God a
vow) and were but the leaft a kin to this breath-
ftrangling linage, I would weare a chaine of
pearle brayded with a halter, to let the world fee
I held it in no difgrace, but high glorie to bee
difcended howfoeuer : and as amongft the ancient
Aegiptians (as Majfarius de ponderibus writes) there
was an Inftrument called Funiculus, conteining 60
furlongs, wherewith they meafured their fields and

86 - HA UE WITH YOU

their vineyards ; fo from the plough harneffe to
the {lender hempen twift that they bind vp their
vines with, wold I branch my alliance, and omit
nothing in the praife of it, except thofe two notable
blemifhes of the trade of rope-makers, jichitophel
and ludas, that were the firft that euer hangd
themfelues.

Bentiv : Thereto the Rope-makers were but acci-
dentally accejfarie, as any honeft man may be, that
lends a halter to a thiefe, wherewith (vnwitting to
him) he goes & Jieales a horje : wherefore, however,
(after a fort) they may be Jaid to haue their hands
in the effeSl, yet they are free and innocent from the
caufe.

Rejpond : As though the caufe and the effedt
(more than / the fuperfices and the fubftance) can
bee feperated, when in manie things, cauja fine qua
non is both the caufe and the effed:, the common
diftindlion of potentia non a£lu, approuing it felfc
verie crazed and impotent herein, fince the pre-
miffes neceflarily beget the conclufion, and fo
contradidtorily the conclufion the premifles ; a
halter including defperation, and fo defperation
concluding in a halter; without which fatall con-
clufion and priuation, it cannot truly bee termed
defperation, fince nothing is faid to bee, till it is
borne, and defpaire is neuer fully borne till it
ceafeth to bee, and hath depriu'd him of beeing,

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 87

that firft bare it and brought it forth. So that
herein it is hard to diftinguifh which is moft to
be blamed, of the caufe or the eifed ; the Caufe
without the eiFeft beeing of no eiFed, and the
effeft without the caufe neuer able to haue been.
Such another paire of vndifcernable twins and
mutuall married correllatiues are Nature & For-
tune. As for example ; If it be anie mans fortune
to hang himfelfe and abridg his naturall life, it is
likewife natural to him (or allotted him by Nature)
to haue no better fortune.

Carnead : Better or worl'e fortune, T fray thee let
vs heare how thou goeji forward with defer thing the
Do5lor and his life and fortunes : and you, my fellow
Auditors, I befeech you, trouble him not (anie more)
with thefe impertinent Parenthejes.

Reffond : His education I wil handle next,
wherein he ran through Didimus or Diomedes 6000.
books of the Arte of Grammar, befides learnd to
write a faire capitall Romane hand, that might
well ferue for a boone-grace, to fuch men as ride
with their face towards /the horfe taile, or fet
on the pillorie for coufnage or periurie. Many
a copy-holder or magiftrall fcribe, that holds all
his liuing by fetting fchool-boies copies, comes
ftiort of the like gift. An old Dodtor of Oxford
fhewd me Latine verfes of his in that flourifliing
flantitanting goutic Omega fift, which he prefented

88 HA UE WITH YOU

vnto him (as a bribe) to get leauc to playe, when
hee was in the heighth or prime of his Vuer es
cups atque doceri. A good qualitie or qualification,
I promife you truely, to keepe him out of the
danger of the Statute gainft wilful! vagabonds,
rogues, and beggers. But in his Grammer yeares,
(take me thus farre with you) he was a verie grace-
lefTe litigious youth, and one that would pick
quarrells with old Gulielmus Lillies Sintaxis and
Pro/odia, euerie howre of the daye. A defperate
ftabber with pen-kniues, and whom he could not
ouercome in difputation, he would be fure to
break his head with his pen and ink-horne. His
father prophecyde by that his ventrus manhood
and valure, he would proue an other S. 'Thomas
a Becket for the Church. But his mother doubted
him much, by reafon of certaine ftrange dreames
fhe had when fhe was firft quicke with childe
of him, which wel fhe hoped were but idle
fwimming fancies of no confequence : till beeing
aduifde by a cunning man (her frend, that was
verie farre in her books) dhe time fhee flept in a
(heepes Ikinne all night, to the intent to dreame
true, another time vnder a lawrell tree, a third
time on the bare ground ftarke naked, and laft
on a dead mans tomb, or graue-ftone, in the church
in a hot Summers after-noone ; when, no barrel
better herring, fhe fped euen as fhe did before.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 89

For firft ftiee dreaihed her wombe was turned to
fuch another hollow / vefTel full of difquiet fiends,
as Salomons brazen Bowie, wherein were fo manie
thoufands of diuels ; which (deepe hidden vnder
ground) long after the Babilonians (digging for
mettals) chaunced to light vpon, and miftaking it
for treafure, brake it ope verie greedily, when, as
out of Pandoras Boxe of maladyes which Efime-
theus opened, all manner of euills flewe into the
world ; fo all manner of deuills then broke loofe
amongft humane kinde. Therein her drowfie
diuination not much deceiu'd her ; for neuer wer
Empedocks deuils fo toft from the aire into the fea,
& from the fea to the earth, and from the earth to
the aire againe exhaled by the Sunne, or driu'n
vp by the windes & tempefts, as his difcontented
pouertie (more difquiet than the Irifh feas) hath
driu'n him from one profeffion to another. Deui-
nitie (the Heauen of all Artes) for a while drew
his thoughts vnto it, but fhortly after the world,
the flefh, and the diucll with-drewe him from that,
and needes he would be of a more Gentleman-like
luftie cut ; whereupon hee fell to morrall Epiftling
and Poetrie. He fell, I may well fay, & made
the price of wit and Poetrie fall with him, when
hee firft began to be a fripler or broker in that
trade. Yea, from the aire he fell to the fea, (that
my comparifon may hold in euerie point) which is.

90 HAUE WITH YOU

he would needs crofle the feas'to fetch home two
penniworth of Tufcanifme : from the fea to the
earth againe he was toft, videlicet fhortly after hee
became a roguifh Commenter vppon earth-quakes,
as by the famous Epiftles (by his owne mouth
onely made famous) may more largely appeare.
Vltima linea rerum, his finall entrancing from the
earth to the flcies, was his key-colde defence of
the Cleargie in the Tradate of Pap-hatchet, inter-
mingled, like a fmall Fleete of gallies, in the
huge Armada againft me. The fecond dreame his
mother had, was that fhe was deliuerd of a caliuer
or hand-gun, which in the difcharging burft. I
pray God (with all my heart) that this caliuer, or
caualier, of Poetrie, this hand-gun, or elder-gun,
that fhoots nothing but pellets of chewd paper,
in the difcharging burft not. A third time in her
fleep fhe apprehended and imagined, that out of
her belly there grew a rare garden bed, ouer-run
with garifti weedes innumerable, which had onely
one flip in it of herb of grace, not budding at the
toppe neither, but, like the floure iVixrf z^j, hauing
flowres onely at the roote ; whereby flie augur'd
and coniedtur'd, how euer hee made fome ftiew
of grace in his youth, when he came to the top or
heighth of his beft proofe, he would bee found a
barrain ftalk without frute. At the fame time
(ouer and aboue) fliee thought that, in ftead of a

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 91

boye, (which fhe defired) fhe was deliuerd and
brought to bed of one of thefe kiftrell birds, called
a wind-fucker. Whether it be verifiable, or onely
probably furmifed, I am vncertaine, but conftantly
vp and downe it is bruted, how he pift incke as
foone as euer he was borne, and that the firft
cloute he fowld was a fheete of paper ; whence
fome mad wits giu'n to defcant, euen as Herodotus
held that the Aethiopians feed of generation was
as blacke as inke, fo haply they vnhappely wold
conclude, an Incubus, in the likenes of an inke-
bottle, had carnall copulation with his mother,
when hee was begotten. Should I reckon vp
but one halfe of the miracles of his conception,
that verie fubftantially haue been affirmed vnto
me, one or other, like Bodine, wold ftart / vp
and taxe mee for a miracle-monger, as hee taxt
Liuy, faying that he talkt of nothing elfe, faue
how oxen fpake, of the flames of fire that iflued
out of the Scipioes heads, of the Statues of the
Gods that fwet, how lupiter, in the likenes of a
childe or yong-man, appeared to Hanniball, and
that an Infant of fix months olde proclaymed
triumph vp and downe the ftreetes. But let
him that hath the poyfon of a thoufand Gorgons, or
ftinging Bafilifkes, full crammed in his inke-horne,
tamper with mee, or taxe mee in the way of con-
tradiftion neuer fo little, and he ihall finde (if I

92 HA UE WITH YOU

finde him not a toad, worthie for nought but to
be ftampt vnder foote) that I will fpit fire for fire,
fight diuell fight dragon, as long as he will. No
vulgar refpeds haue I, what Hoppenny Hoe & his
fellow Hankin Booby thinke of mee, fo thofe whom
Arte hath adopted for the peculiar Plants of her
Academic, and refined from the dull Northernly
droffe of our Clyme, hold mee in anie tollerable
account.

The woonders of my great Grand-father Harueys
progeniture, were thefe.

In the verie moment of his birth, there was
a calfe borne in the fame Towne with a dubble
tongue, and hauing eares farre longer than anie
affe, and his feete turned backward, like certaine
people of the 'Tartars, that neuertheles are reafon-
able fwift.

In the houre of his birth there was a moft
darkfome Eclipfe, as though hel and heauen,
about a confidtation of an eternall league, had
met together.

Thofe that calculated his natiuitie faid, that
Saturne and the Moone (either of which is the
caufer of madneffe) were melancholy conioynd
together (contrarie to all/courfe of Aftronomie)
when into the world hee was produced. About
his lips, euen as about Dions fhip, there flocked a
fwarme of wafpes, as foone as euer he was laid

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 93

in his cradle. Scarce nine yeres of age he attaind
too, when, by engroffing al ballets that came to
anie Market or Faire there-abouts, he afpired to
bee as defperate a ballet-maker as the beft of them.
The firft frutes of his Poetrip beeing a pittifuU
Dittie in lamentation of the death of a Fellow,
that at Queene Maries coronation, came down-
ward, with his head on a rope, from the Spyre of
Powles fteeple, and brake his necke. Afterward he
exercifed to write certaine graces in ryme dogrell,
and verfes vppon euerie Month, manie of which
are yet extant in Primers and Almanackes. His
father, with the extreame ioy of his towardnefle,
wept infinitely, and prophecide he was too forward
witted to Hue long. His Schoole-mafter neuer
heard him peirfe or confter, but he cryde out,
O acumen Carneadum ! O decus addite diuis ! and
fwore by Sufenbrotus and 'TaleuSy that he would
prooue another Philo ludaus for knowledge and
deep iudgment, who in Philofophie was preferd
aboue Vlato ; and bee a more rare Exchequer of
the Mufes, than rich Gaza was for wealth; which
tooke his name of Cambyfes, laying all his Treafure
there, when hee went to make warre againft
Aegift.

By this time imagin him rotten ripe for the
Vniuerfitie, and that hee carries the poake for a
mefle of porredge in Chrifts Colledge : which I doo

94 HA UE WITH YOU

not vpbraid him with, as anie difparagement at
all, fince it is a thing euerie one that is Scholler
of the Houfe is ordinarily fubieft vnto by turnes,
but onely I thruft it in for a Periphrafis / of his
admiffion, or matriculation. I am fure you will
bee glad to heare well of him, fince hee is a youth
of fome hope, and you haue been partly acquainted
with his bringing vp.

In fadnes I would be loath to difcourage ye, but
yet in truth (as truth is truth, and will out at one
time or other, and fhame the diuell) the coppie of
his Tutors letter to his father I will fhew you,
about his carriage and demeanour; and yet I will
not pofitiuely affirme it his Tutors Letter neither,
and yet you maye gather more than I am willing
to vtter, and what you lift not beleeue referre to
after Ages, euen as Paulus louius did in his lying
praifes of the Houfe of Medices, or the importu-
nate Dialogue twixt Charles the Fifth and him, of
Expedire te oportet, ^ parare calamos : or his tem-
peftuous thunder-bolt Inueftiue againft Selimus.

The Letter of Harueys Tutor to his Father, as
touching his manners and behauior.

Emanuell.
Sir, Grace and peace vnto you premifed. So it is,
that your Jonne, you haue committed to my charge.

S

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 95

is of a pajjing forward carriage, ^ profiteth very
foundly.

Carnead. That is, beares hitnfelfe very forward
on his tip-toes (as he did euer) and profits or
battles foundly, and is a youth of a gooA.ftze.

Letter.
Great expectations we haue of him, that hee will
proue an other Corax or Lacedemonian Ctefiphon
for Rhethorique, who was banifht becaufe he vaunted
he could talke a whole day of anie thing.

Benti. / I would our Gurmo Hidruntum, were like
wife banifht with him ; for he can hotch-potch
whole Decades vp of nothing, and talks idlely all
his hfe time.

Letter,
and not much inferiour to Demofthenes, Aefchines,
Demades, or the melodious recording Mufe of Italy,
Cornelius Mufa, Bifhop of Bitonto, or the yet liuing
mellifluous Pancarola, who isfaid to caft out Jpirites
by his powerfull diuine eloquence.

Carnead. The fpirit of foolery out of this Archi-
bald Rupenrope he fhall neuer be able to caft, were
the NeSlar of his eloquence a thoufand times more
fuperabundant inceflant fourding.

Letter.
When I record (as I doo often) theftrange vntraffiqu't
phrqfes, by him now vented and vnpackt, as of incen-

96 HA UE WITH YOU

darie for fire, an illutninarie for a candle and lan-
thorne, an indument for a cloake, an vnder foote
abiedt for a fhooe or a hoote ; then I am readie [with
Erafmus) to cry, Sandle Socrates ; or {with Ariftotle)
Ens entium miferere mei ! what an ingeny is heere ?
O his conceipt is mofi delicate, and that right well he
apprehendeth, hauing alreadie propofed high matters
for it to worke on. For fiealing into his Study by
chance the other day, there I found diuers Epifiles
and Orations, purpofely directed and prepared, as if
he had been Secretarie to her Maieftie for the Latine
tongue ; or againfi fuch a place fhould fall, he would
he fur e not to be vnprouided : as alfo hee had furnijht
himfelfe (as if he made no queflion to be the Vniuerfttie
Orator) for all Congratulations, Funerall Elegiacall
condolments of the death of Juch and fuch a Do5lor in
Cambridge ; and which is more, of euerie Priuy
Counfailour I in England. Tou are no Scholler, &?
therefore little know what belongs to it, but if you
heard him how Jacredly hee ends euerie Jentence with
efle pofle videatur, you would (like thoje that arriue
in the Phillipinas opprefl with fweete odors) forget
you are mortall, and imagine your Jelfe no where but
in Paradice. ■ Some there be (I am not ignorant) that
vpon his often bringing it in at the end of euerie
period, call him by no other name, but efle pofle
videatur : but they are Juch as were neuer endenizond
info much arte, as Similiter Definens ; and know not

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 97

the true vje of Numerus Rhetoricus. So vpon his
firji manumijfion in the myflerie of Logique, becaufe
he olferud Ergo was the deadly clap of the feece, or
driun home fiab of the Syllogifme, hee accufiomed to
make it the Fahurden to anie thing hee Jpake ; As if
anie of his companions complained hee was hungrie,
hee would firaight conclude Ergo, you mufi goe to
dinner ; or if the clocke had firoke or hell towld.
Ergo you mufi goe to Juch a LeSture ; or if anie
firanger Jaid he came to feeke fuch a one, and defird
him he would fhew him which was his chamber, he
would foorthwith come vpon him with. Ergo he mufi
go vpjuch a paire of fiaires : whereupon (for a great
while) he was cald nothing but Gabriell Ergo, vp and
downe the Colledge. But a/coffe which longer dwelt
with him than the refl, though it argued his extreame
pregnancie of capacitie, and argute tranjperfing dex-
teritie of Paradoxi/me ; was that once he would needs
defend a Rat to be Animal rationale, that is, to haue
as reafonable a Joule as anie Academick, becaufe fhe
eate and gnawd his bookes, and, except fhe carried a
braine with her, fhe could neuer digefi or be Jo capable
of learning. And the more to confirme it, becaufe
euerie one laught at him for a common Mountebanke j
Rat-catcher about it ; the next rat he Jeazd on hee
made an Anatomic of, and read a lecture of ■>,. dayes
long vpon euerie artire or mujchle in her, and after
hangd her ouer his head in his Jludie, in Jiead of an
N. in. 7

98 HA UE WITH YOU

Apothecaries Crocodile, or dride Alligatur. I haue
not yet mentiond his Poetrie, wherein hee furmounteth
and dijmounteth the mojlheroycalleft Countes Mountes
of that Craft ; hauing writ verfes in all kindes, as
in forme of a paire of gloues, a dozen of points, a
paire of fpeSacles, a two-hand f word, a poynado, a
Coloffus, a Pyr amide, a Painters eazill, a market
crojfe, a trumpet, an anchor, a paire of pot-hookes ;
yet I can fee no Authors he hath, more than his owne
naturall Genius or Minerua, except it bee Haue with
ye to Florida, The ftorie of Axeres and the worthie
Iphijs, As I went to Walfingham, and In Creete
when Dedalus, a fong that is to him food from
heauen, and more tranfporting and rauifhing than
Platoes Difcourfe of the immortalitie of the foule
was to Cato, who, with the verie ioy he conceiud
from reading thereof, wold needs let out his foule, and
fo Jlabd himfelfe. Aboue Homers or all mens workes
whofoeuer he doth prize it, laying it vnder his pillow,
(like Homers works) euery night, and carrying it in
his bofome (next his heart) euerie day. From the
generall Difcourfe of his vertues, let mee digrejfe,
and informe you of fome few fragments of his
vices; as like a Church and an ale-houfe, God and
the diuell, they manie times dwell neere together.
Memorandum : his laundrejfe complaines of him
that hee is mightie flefhly giuen, and that there
had lewdnes pajfed betwixt her daughter and him.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 99

if jhe had not luckely preuented it by fe arching her
daughters pocket, -wherein jhe found a little epitomizd
Bradfords Meditations, no broader voluni d j than a
Seale at Armes, or a blacke melancholy veluet patch,
and a three-pennie pamphlet of The Fall of man he
had bejiowed on her, that he might flow her vnder
hatches in his fiudy, i£ do what he wold with her.
In a waft white leafe of one of which bookes, he
had writ for his fentence, or pofie, Nox & amor,
as much to fay as O for a pretie wench in the
darke ; and -underneath, Non funt fine viribus
artus. If thou comfi, old laffe, I will tickle thee:
and in the other, Leue fit quod bene fertur onus,
that is, we muft beare with one another, and
Fcelices quibus vfiis adeft, vfe in all things makes
perfeSl. Secondly, he is beyond all reajon, or Gods
forbod, diftraSiedly enamourd of his own beautie,
fpending a whole forenoone euerie day in fpunging
and licking himfelfe by the glajfe ; and vfeth euerie
night after /upper to walke on the market hill to
fhew himfelfe, holding his gown vp to his middle,
that the wenches may fee what a fine leg and a
dainty foote he hath in pumpes and pantoffies, and
if they giue him neuer Jo little an amorous regard,
he prejently boards them with a Jet Jpeach of the
fir ft gathering together of Jocieties, and the diftinc-
tion of amor and amicitia out of Tullies Offices ;
which if it work no effeSl, £5" they laugh at, he

100 HAUE WITH YOU

will rather take a rai/on of the Junne, and weave
it at his eare for a fauor, than it Jhould lee /aid
hee would goe away emptie. Thirdly, he is verie
Jeditious and mutinous in conuerfation, picking
quarrells with euerie man that will not magnifie
and applaud him, libelling moft execrably and in-
humanely on lacke of the Falcon, for that he would
not lend him a meffe of mujlard to his red herrings ;
yea, for a leffer matter than that on the Colledge
dog he liheld, onely becaufe he proudly bare vp his
taile as hee pafi by him. And fourthly and lajily,
he vfeth often to be drunk I with the Jirrupe or
broth ofjlewd prunes, and eateth more bread vnder
pretence of fwearing by it, than would ferue a whole
Band in the Low Countries. Thefe are the leaji
portion of his veniall Jinnes, but I forbear him, 6?
proceed no further, becaufe I loue him: only I wold
wifh you (being his father) at anie hand to warne
him of thefe matters priuately betwixt him and you,
and againe and againe cry out vpon him to beware
of pride ; which Tmore than fatally prophecie will
be his vtter ouerthrow.

Yours afluredly, and fo foorth,

Johannes Jine nomine ; Anno
Domini, what ye will.

Carnead. What is your cenfure, you that bee of

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. loi

the common counjaile, may this Epiftle pajfe or no
without a demurre or proui/o ?

Confil. PaJfe in the way of paftime, and/o foorth ;
it being no indecorum at all, to the Comedie we haue
in hand, to admit Piers himjelfe for his Tutor, for
if he proceed in the feuere difcipline he hath begun,
he is like to humble him, and bring him to more
goodnes than anie 'Tutor or Majler he euer had
Jince he was borne.

Life.

Leauing his childhood, which hath leaue or a
lawe of priuiledge. to be fond ; & to come to the
firft prime of his pamphleting, which was much
about the fetting vp of the Bull by Felton on
the biftiop of Londons gate, or rather fome prettie
while before, when for an aflay or nice tailing of
his pen, he capitulated on the births of monfters,
horrible murders, and great burnings ; and after-
ward, in the yeare when the earth-quake was, he
fell to be a familiar Epiftler, & made Powles
Church-yard j refound, or crie twang againe. With
foure notable famous Letters : in one of which
hee enterlaced his fhort but yet fharp iudiciall of
Earthquakes, & came verie fhort and fharpe vppon
my lord of Oxford in a rattling bundle of Englifh
Hexameters. How that thriu'd with him fome
honeft Chronicler helpe me to remember, for it is

102 HA UE WITH YOU

not comprehended in my braines Diarie or Ephe-
merides : but this I can iuftifie, that immediately
vpon it he became a common writer of Alman-
ackes. Tis meruaile if fome of you, amongft
your vnfatiable ouerturnings of Libraries, haue
not ftumbled on fuch an approued archited: of
Calenders, as Gabriel Frend, the prognofticator.
That Frend I not a little fufped (if a man fhould
take occafion to trye his Frend) would be found to
bee no Frend, but my conftant approued mortall
enemie Gabriell Haruey. Well, I may fay to you,
it is a difficult rare thing in thefe dayes to finde a
true Frend. ' But the probable reafons which driue
me to coiedture that it is a falfe Frend which
deludes vs with thefe durtie aftronomicall pre-
didlions, & that Gabriell Haruey is this Frend
in a corner, which no man knowes of, be thefe
that follow. Firft, he hath been noted, in manie
companies where hee hath been, very fufpitioufly
to vndermine, whither any man knew fuch a fellow
as Gabriell Frend, the Prognofticator or no ? or
whether they euer heard of anie that euer faw him
or knew him ? Wheretoo, when they all aunfwered
with one voyce, not guiltie to the feeing, hearing,
or vnderftanding, of anie fuch Starry Noune Sub-
ftantiue ; vp ftarts me he (like a proud fchool-
mafter, when one of his Boyes hath made an
Oration before a countrey Maior that hath pleafd)

TO SAFFRON-WALDKN. 103

and bites the lip, and winkes / and fmiles priuily,
and lookes pertly vpon it, as who Ihould fay, coram
quern queritis a'dfum : and after fome little coy
bridling of the chin, and nice fimpring and wry thing
his face 30. waies, tels them flatly that vpon his
credit and knowledge (both which are hardly worth
a candles end to helpe him to bed with) there is no
fuch Qjuarter-majier, or mafter of the 4. Quarters,
or Writer in redde letters, as that fuppofed flower
of Frend-ly curtefie, Gabriell Frend, the Prognofti-
cator ; but, to vfe plaine dealing amongft frends,
a frend of his it is he mufl: coceale, who thoght
good to ftiroud himfelfe vnder that title. Now if
ye will allow of my verdit in this behalfe, I hold
vnufquijque proximus ipfe Jibi, euery man is the
befl; Frend to himfelf, & that he himfelf & no
other, is that Frend of his he mufl conceale. The
2. argument that confirmes me in this flrong
article of my creede, is, for none is priuy to a
blank maintenance he hath, & fome maintenace of
neceflity he mufl: haue, or elfe how can he main-
taine his peak in true chriftendome of rofe-water
euerie morning ? By the ciuil law, peraduenture
you will alleage, he fetches it in : nay, therein ye
are deceiud, for he hath no law for that. I will
not deny but his mother may haue fu'd in forma
pauperis, but he neuer foUicited in form of papers
in the Arches in his life. How then, doth he fetch

104 HAUE WITH YOU

it aloft with his poetrie? Dii faciant laudis Jumma
fit ijia Jua. I pray God he neuer haue better
lands or liuing till he die. Shall I difcharge my
confcience, being no more than (on my foule) is
moft true ? The Printers and Stationers vfe him
as he wer the Homer of this age, for they fay vnto
him, Si nihil attuleris, ibis, Homere, for as, Haruey
if ye bring no mony in your purfe, ye get no
books printed here. Euen / for the printing of
this logger-head Legend of lyes, which now I am
wrapping vp hot fpices in, hee ran in debt with
Wolfe, the Printer, 36. pound, & a blue coate which
he borrowed for his man, and yet Wolfe did not fo
much as brulh it when hee lent it him, or prefTe
out the print where the badge had been. The
Storie at large, aleafe or two hence, you fhall heare.
The laft: refuge and fanftuarie for his exhibition
(after his lands, law, & poetrie are confifcated) is
to prefume he hath fome priuy benefaftors or
patrons that holde him vp by the chin. What hee
hath had of late, my intelligence failes me, but for
a number of yeares paft, I dare confidently depofe,
not a bit nor cue of anie benefadtor or patron he
had, except the Butler or Manciple of Trinitie
Hall (which are both one) that trufted him for his
commons & fizing ; fo that when I haue toyled the
vtmoft that I can to faue his credite and honeftie,
the beft wit-craft I can turn him too, to get three

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. loS

pence a weeke, and keepe the paper foales and
vpper leather of his pantoffles together, is to write
Prognoftigations and Almanackes ; and that alone
hath beene, and muft bee, his beft Philofophers
Stone till hys laft deftiny.

I was fure, I was fure, at one time or other I
ihould take him' napping. O eternall ieft (for
Gods fake helpe me to laugh). What a graue
Doftor, a bafe lohn Doleta, the Almanack-maker,
Doftor Deu/e-ace and Doftor Mery-man? Why
from this day to proceed, He neuer goe into Powles
Church-yard to enquire for anie of his workes,
but (where euer I come) looke for them behinde
the doore, or on the backe-fide of a fcreene (where
Almanackes are fet ufually) ; or at a Barbers or
Chand / lers fhop neuer to miffe of them. A
maker of Almanackes, quoth a, God forgiue me
they are readier money than Ale and cakes, and
are more familiar read than 'Tullies familiar Epiftles,
or the Difcourse of Debitor & Creditor, efpecially
of thofe that ordinary write Letters, or haue often
occafion to paye money. They are the verie Dialls
of dayes, the Sunnes gheffes ; and the Moones
months-mind. Here in London ftreets, if a man
haue bufines to enquire for anie bodie, and he is
not well acquainted with the place, he goes filthely
halpering, and afking, cap in hand, from one fhop
to another, where's fuch a houfe and fuch a figne }

io6 HA UE WITH YOU

But if we haue bufines to fpeake with atiie in the
Ikie, buy but one of Gabriell Frend or Gabriell
Harueys Almanacks, and you fhall carry the figne
& houfe in your pockets, whether lupiters houfe,
Saturnes houfe. Mars hys houfe, Venus houfe, or
anie hot-houfe or baudyhoufe of them all. To con-
clude, not the pooreft walking-mate, or thredbare
cut-purfe in a countrey, that can well be without
them, be it but to know the Faires & Markets
when they fall : & againft who dare I will
vphold it, that theres no fuch neceffarie Book
of common places in the earth as it, as for example,
From London to Torke, from Torke to Barwicke,
and fo backwardes. It is a ftrange thing I fhould
be fo fkilfull in Phifiognomie and neuer ftudied
it. I alwaies faw in the Dodtors countenaunce
he greedily hunted after the high way to honour,
and was a bufie Chronicler of high wayes, he had
fuch a number of vgly wrinckled high wayes in
his vifage. But the time was, when he would not
haue giuen his head for the wafhing, and would
haue tooke foule fcorne that the beft of them all
fhould haue out-fac'd / him. I haue a tale at my
tungs end, if I can happen vpon it, of his hobby-
horfe-reuelling & dominering at Audley-end, when
the Queene was there : to which place, Gabriell
(to doo his countrey more worfhip & glory) came
ruffling it out, huffty tufFty, in his fuite of veluet.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 107

There be the in Cambridge that had occafion to
take note of it, for he flood noted or fcoard for
it in their bookes manie a faire day after : and if
I take not my markes amifTe, Rauen, the botcher
by Pembrook-hal, (whether he be aliue or dead I
know not) was as priuie to it euerie patch of it
from top to toe, as hee that made it ; and if euerie
one would but mend one as often as hee hath
mended that, the world would bee by 200 parts
honefter than it is ; yet be he of the mending hand
neuer fo, and Gabriell neuer able to make him
amends, he may blefle the memorie of that ward-
rope, for it will be a good whUe ere hee meete with
the like cuftomer as it was to him, at leaft 14. yere
together, falling into his hands twice a yeare, as
fure as a club, before euery Batchelors and Matters
Commenfment, or if it were aboue, it was a
generall Item to all the Vniuerfitie, that the Dodor
had fome ierking Hexameters or other fhortly
after to paffe the ftampe, hee neuer in all his life
(till lately he fel a wrangling with his filler in law)
hauing any other bufines at London. The rotten
mould of that worme eaten relique (if hee were
well fearcht) he weares yet, meaning when he dies
to hang it ouer his tombe for a monument : and
in the meane time, though it is not his lucke to
meete with euer a fubftantiaU baudie cafe (or
booke cafe) that carries rem in re, meate in the

io8 HAUE WITH YOU

mouth in it (A miferable, intollerable cafe, when a
yong fellow & a yong wench cannot put / the cafe
together, and doo with their owne what they lift,
but they fhalbe put to their booke to confefle, and
be hideoufly perplext) yet I fay daily and hourely
doth he deale vpon the cafe notwithftanding.
You wil imagine it a fable percafe which I fhall
tell you, but it is x times more vnfallible tha the
newes of the lewes rifing vp in armes to take in
the Land of promife, or the raining of corne this
Summer at Wakefield. A Gentleman (long agoe)
lent him an old veluet faddle, which when he had
no vfe for, fince no man elfe would truft him for
a bridle, and that he was more accuftomed to be
ridden than to ride, what does me he, but deeming
it a verie bafe thing for one of his ftanding in the
Vniuerfity to be faid to be yet dunfing in Sadolet,
& with all, fcorning his chamber ftiuld be employd
as an oftry prefle to lay vp iades riding iackets
and trufles in, prefently vntrufTeth & pelts the
out-fide from the lining, and vnder henedicite here
in priuate be it fpoken, dealt verie cunningly and
couertly in the cafe, for with it he made him a
cafe or couer, for a dublet, which hath cafed and
couered his nakednes euer fince, and to tell yee no
lye, about two yeare and a halfe paft, hee creditted
Newgate with the fame metamorphized coftly vefti-
ment. As good cheape as it was deliuerd to mee

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 109

(at the fecond hand) you haue it. Nil habea
prater auditum, I was not at the cutting it out,
nor will I binde your confciences too ftridtly to
embrace it for a truth, but if my iudgement might
ftand for vp, it is rather likely to be true than
falfe, fince it vanifht inuifible and was neuer heard
of: and befides, I cannot deuife how he fhould
behaue him to confume fuch an implement, if
he cofifcated it not to that vfe, neither lending it
away nor / felling it ; nor how hee fhould other
wife thruft himfelfe into fuch a moth-eaten weed,
hauing neyther money nor frends to procure it.
Away, away, neuer. hauke nor paufe vpon it, for
without all par-anters it is fo ; and let them tattle
and prate till their tongues ake, were there a
thoufand more of them, and they fhould fet their
wit to his, he would make them fet befides the
faddle, euen as he did the Gentleman. A man in
hys cafe hath no other Jhift, or apparaile, which
you will, but he muft thus fhift otherwhile for his
liuing, efpecially liuing quiet as he dooth without
anie CrofTes (in his purfe Juhaudt) and being
free from all couetous incumbraunces : yet in my
fhallow foolifh conceipt, it were a great deale better
for him if he were not free, but croft foundly, &
comitted prifoner to the Tower, where, perhaps
once in his life, he might be brought to look vpon
the Queenes coine in the Mynt, & not thus be

no HAUE WITH YOU

alwaies abroad, and neuer within, like a begger.
I muft beg patience of you, thogh I haue been
fomwhat too tedious in brufhing his veluet, but
the Court is not yet remou'd from Audley-end, and
we fhall come time enough thether to learne what
rule he keepes.

There did this our 'Talatamtaha, or Doftour
Hum, thruft himfelfe into the thickeft rankes of
the Noblemen and Gallants, and whatfoeuer they
were arguing of, he would not mifle to catch hold
of, or ftrike in at the one end, and take the theame
out of their mouths, or it fhould goe hard. In
felfe fame order was hee at his pretie toyes and
amorous glaunces and purpofes with the Damfells,
& putting baudy riddles vnto them. In fine, fome
Difputations there were, and he made an Oration
before the Maids of Honour, and not before her /
Maieftie, as heretofore I mifinformedly fet down,
beginning thus :

Nux mulier aftnus fimili Junt lege ligata,
Hac tria nill re5fe faciunt, ft verbera dejunt.

A nut, a woman, and an ajje are like,

'The/e three doo nothing right, except you ftrike.

Carnead. He would haue had the Maids of
Honor thriftely cudgeld belike, and lambeakt one
after another.

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 1 1 1

Refpond. 'They vnderftood it not Jo.

Bentiv. No, I thinks Jo, for they vnderftood it
not at all.

Confil. Or if they had, they would haue driun
him to his guard.

Carnead. Or had the Guard driun him downe
the ftaires, with Deiu vous garde Monfieur, goe
and prate in the yard Don Pedant, there is no
■place for you here.

Life.

The proces of that Oration was of the fame
woofe and thrid with the beginning: demurely
and maidenly fcoffing, and blufhingly wantoning,
& making loue to thofe foft fkind foules & fweete
Nymphes of Helicon, betwixt a kinde of carelefTe
rude rufEanifme, and curious finicall complement :
both which hee more expreft by his counten-
ance, than anie good iefts that hee vttered. This
finiihed (though not for the finiihing or pro-
nouncing of this) by fome better frends than hee
was worthie of, and that afterwards found him
vnworthie of the graces they had beftowed vpon
him, he was brought to kifle the Queenes hand,
and it pleafed her Highnes to fay (as in my former
Booke I haue cyted), that he lookt fomething
like an Italian. No other incitement he needed to
rouze his plumes, pricke up his eares, / and run

"2 HAUE WITH YOU

away with the bridle betwixt his teeth, and take it
vpon him (of his owne originall ingrafted difpo-
fition theretoo he wanting no aptnes) but now he
was an infulting Monarch, aboue Monarcha the
Italian, that ware crownes on his fhooes : and quite
renounft his naturall Englifh accents and geftures,
& wrefted himfelfe wholy to the Italian puntilios,
fpeaking our homely Hand tongue ftrangely, as
if he were but a raw practitioner in it, and but
ten dales before had entertained a fchoole-mafter
to teache him to pronounce it. Ceremonies of
reuerence to the greateft States (as it were not the
fafhion of his cuntray) he was very parfimonious
and niggardly of, and would make no bones to
take the wall of Sir Philip Sidney, and another
honourable Knight (his companion), about Court
yet attending ; to whom I wifh no better fortune,
than the forelockes of Fortune he had hold of
in his youth, & no higher fame than hee hath
purchaft himfelfe by his pen : being the firft (in
our language) I haue encountred, that repurified
Poetrie from Arts pedantifme, & that inftructed it
to fpeake courtly. Our Patron, our Phcebus, our
firft Orpheus or quinteflence of inuention he is:
wherefore, either let vs. iointly inuent fome worthy
fubiedb to eternize him; or let Warre call back
Barbarifme from the Danes, PiSies, and Saxons, to
fuppres our frolicke fpirits, and the leaft Iparke of

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 113

more eleuated fence amongfl: us finally be quenched
and die, ere we can fet vp brazen Fillers for our
Names and Sciences, to preferue them from the
Deluge of Ignorance. But to returne from whence
I haue ftrayd, Dagobert Coppenhagen in his iollitie
perfifteth; is Haile fellow well met with thofe
that looke higheft : and to cut it off in three / fyl-
lables, follows the traine of the delicateft fauorites
and minions, which by chaunce being withdrawne a
mile or two off, to one Mafter Bradburies, where
the late deceafed counteffe of Darbie was then
harbinged, after fupper they fell to danfing, euery
one choofing his mate as the cuftome is : in a trice
fo they fhuffled the cards of purpofe (as it wer to
plague him for his prefumption) that will he nil),
he muft tread the meafures about with the fouleft
vgly gentlewoman or fury that might be, (then
wayting on the forefaid Counteffe) thrice more
deformed than the woman with the home in her
head. A turne or two hee mincingly pac't with
her about the roome, & folemnly kift her at the
parting : Since which kiffe of that fquinteyd Lamia
or Gorgon, as if Ihe had been another Circe to
transforme him, he hath not one houre b^ene his
owne man. For whilft yet his lips fmoakt with
the fteame of her fcortching breath, that parcht
his beard like funburnt graffe in the Dog-daies, he
ran headlong violently to his ftudy as if he had bin
N. in. 8

114 HAUE WITH YOU

borne with a whirl-winde, and ftrait knockt me
up together a Poem, calde his Aedes Valdinenfes,
in prayfe of my L. of Leycefter, of his kiffing the
Queenes hand, and of her fpeech & comparifon of
him, how he lookt hke an Itahan : what vide, fayth
he in one place ; Did I fee her Maiefty, quoth a,
Imo, vide iffe loquentem cum Snaggo, I faw her
conferring with no worfe man then Mafter Snagge.
The bungerlieft vearfes they were that euer were
fcande, beeing moft of them bought, and cut ofF by
the knees, out of Virgill and other Authors. This
is a patterne of one of them : Wodde, meujque
tuufque fuufque Britannorumque fuorumque, running
through all the Pronounes / in it, and iumpe
imitating a verfe in As in ■prejenti, or in the de-
meanes or adiacents I am certaine. I had forgot
to obferue vnto you, out of his firft foure familiar
Epiftles, his ambicious ftratagem to afpire, that
whereas two great Pieres beeing at iarre, and their
quarrell continued to bloudfhed, he would needs,
vncald and when it lay not in his way, fteppe in on
the one fide, which indeede was the fafer fide (as
the foole is crafty inough to fleepe in a whole fkin)
and hewe and flafti with his Hexameters, but hewd
and flaflit he had beene as fmall as chippings, if he
had not played ducke Fryer, and hid himfelfe eight
weeks in that Noblemans houfe, for whome with
his pen hee thus bladed. Yet neuerthelefle Syr

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 1 1 5

lames a Croft, the olde Controwler, ferrited him
out, and had him vnder hold in the Fleete a great
while, taking that to be aimde and leveld againft
him, becaufe he cald him his olde Controwler,
which he had moft venomoufly belched againft
Dodlour Perm. Vppon his humble fubmiffion,
and ample expofition of the ambiguous Text, and
that [at] his forementioned Mecenas mediation,
matters were difpenft with and quallified, & fome
light countenance, like funlhine after a ftorme, it
pleafed him after this to let fall vppon him, and fo
difpatcht him to fpurre Cut backe againe to Cam-
bridge. Where, after his arriual, to his aflbciates
and companions he priuatly vaunted what redoubled
rich brightnes to his name this fhort eclipfe had
brought, and that it had more dignified and raifd
him, than all his endeuours from his childhood.
With fuch incredible applaufe and amazement of
his Judges hee bragd hee had cleard himfelfe, that
euery one that was there ran to him and embraft
him, and ftiortly hee was / promift to be cald to
high prefermet in court, not an ace lower than a
Secretariftiip, or one of the Clarks of the Councell.
Should I explaine to you howe this wrought with
him, and howe in the itching heate of this hopefull
golden worlde and hony moone, the ground would
no longer beare him, but to Sturbridge Fayre, and
vp and downe Cambridge, on his foot-cloth maiefti-

ii6 HA UE WITH YOU

cally he would pace it, with manie moe madde
trickes of youth nere plaid before ; in ftead of
making his heart ake with vexing, I fhould make
yours burft with laughing. Dodtor Verne in this
plight, nor at anie other time, euer met him, but he
would fhake his hand and crie Vanitas vanitatum,
omnia vanitas, Vanitie of vanities, and all things is
vanitie.

His father he vndid to furnifh him to the Court
once more, where prefenting himfelfe in all the
colours of the raine-bow, and a paire of mouftachies
like a black horfe tayle tyde up in a knot, with
two tufFts flicking out on each fide, he was afkt by
no meane perfonage, Unde hac injania ? whence
proceedeth this folly or madnes? & he replied
with that wether-beaten piece of a verfe out of
the Grammer, Semel injaniuimus omnes, once in our
dayes there is none of vs but have plaid the ideots;
and fo was he counted and bad ftand by for a
Nodgjcombe. He that moft patronizd him, prying
more fearchingly into him, and finding that he was
more meete to make fport with, than anie way
deeply to be employd, with faire words fhooke
him of, & told him he was fitter for the Vniuer-
fitie, tha for the Court or his turne, and fo bad
God profper his fhudies, and fent for another
Secretarie to Oxford.

Readers, be merry ; for in me there fhall want

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. ti7

nothing / I can doo to make you merry. You fee
I haue brought the Dotftor out of requeft at Court,
& it fhall coft me a fall, but I will get him howted
out of the Vniuerfitie too, ere I giue him ouer.
What will you giue mee when I bring him vppon
the Stage in one of the principalleft CoUedges in
Cambridge ? Lay anie wager with me, and I will ;
or if you laye no wager at all. He fetch him aloft
in Pedantius, that exquifite Comedie in Trinitie
Colledge ; where vnder the cheife part, from which
it tooke his name, as namely the concife and firking
finicaldo fine School-mafter, hee was full drawen &
delineated from the foale of the foote to the crowne
of his head. The iuft manner of his phrafe in his
Orations and Difputations they ftufft his mouth
with, & no Buffianifme throughout his whole
bookes, but they bolfterd out his part with ; as
thofe ragged remnaunts in his foure famUiar
Epiftles twixt him and Senior Immerito, raftim
Jcrifta, Nojii manum ^ ftylum, with innumerable
other of his rabble-routs : and fcoffing his Mu-
Jarum Lachrymie with Flebo amorem meum, etiam
Mufarum lachrymis ; which, to giue it his due,
was a more coUachrymate wretched Treatife than
my Piers Pennilejfe, being the pittifuUeft pangs
that euer anie mans Mufe breathd foorth. I
leaue out halfe ; not the carrying vp of his gowne,
his nice gate on his pantoffles, or the afFed:ed

ii8 HAVE WITH YOU

accent of his fpeach, but they perfonated. And
if I fhould reueale all, I thinke they borrowd his
gowne to playe the Part in, the more to flout him.
Let him denie this (and not damne himfelfe) for
his life if hee can. Let him denie that there was
a Shewe made at Clare-hall of him and his two
Brothers, called,

Tarra / rantantara turba tumultuofa 'frigonum,
"Tri-Harueyorum, Tri-harmonia.

Let him denie that there was another Shewe made
of the little Minnow his Brother, Dodrans Dicke,
at Pet'er-houje, called.

Duns furens. Dick Haruey in a frenfie.

Whereupon Dick came and broke the Colledge
glafle windowes ; and Doftor Feme (being then
either for himfelfe or deputie Vice-chancellour)
caufed him to be fetcht in, and fet in the Stockes
till the Shew was ended, and a great part of the
night after.

The firft motiue, or caller foorth, of Gabriels
Englifh Hexameters, was his falling in loue with
Kate Cotton, and Widdowes his wife, the Butler of
Saint lohns. And this was a rule inuiolate amongfl:
the fraternitie of them, Gabriell was alwayes in
loue, Dick ftill in hate, either with Ariftotle, or with
the great Be are in the firmament which he con-
tinually bayted ; or with Religion, againft which

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 119

in the publique Schooles he fet vp Atheiftical
Queftions, and befides compared his beard fo
Porphirian blafphemouflyj as I am afraid the
Earth would fwallow me, if I fliould but rehearfe.
It fell to my lot to haue the perufing of a letter
of his to Dodlor Fulke, then lying at a Preachers
houfe neere Criplegate, in London, as touching
his whole perfecution by the Fellowes of the
Houfe about it, & how, except he had mercie
on him, he were expulft and caft awaye without
redemption.

The third Brother (John), had almofl: as ill a
name as the Spittle in Shorditch, for the olde
reakes hee kept with / the wenches in Qmeems
Colledge Lane ; and if M. Wathe his ancient
ouer-wharter (betwixt whom & him there was
fuch deadly emulation) had bin furniflit with
thofe inftrudions thereof which I could haue lent
him, he had put him downe more handfmoothe
than he did, though at a Commenfment dinner in
^eenes Colledge (as apparantly as might be) he
graueld, and fet a ground both him and his brother
Gabienus. This lohn was hee, that beeing enter-
taind in luftice Meades Houfe (as a Schoole-
mafter) ftole away his daughter, and to pacific
him, dedicated to him an Almanacke ; which
daughter (or lohns wife) fince his death, Gahriell
(vnder pretence of taking out an Adminiftration,

120 HAVE WITH YOU

according as fhe in euery court exclaimes) hath
gone about to circumuent of al fhe hath: to the
which efFedt (about 3yere agoe) there were three
Declarations put vp againft him, & a Httle while
after I heard there were Attachments out for him ;
whether he hath compounded fince or no, I leaue
to the lurie to enquire.

Pigmey Dicke aforefaid, that lookes like a
pound of gold-fmiths candles, is fuch another
Venerian fteale placard as John was, being like
to commit folly the lafl; yeare in the Houfe where
he kept (as a frend of his verie foberly informed
me) with a Milke-maid ; & if there had not bin
more gouernment in her than in him (for all his
diuinitifhip) the thing you wote of, the blowe that
neuer fmarteth had been flirooke, and fhe carried
away to Saffron-walden, he fending for her to one
Philips his houfe, at the figne of the Bell in
Bromley, & there feafting her to that end. Faft
and pray, luxurious Vicar, to keepe vnder thy
vnruly members, and wrap thee in a Monkes
Cowle, which (they fay) is good to mortifie ; or /
drinke of the water of Saint lues, by lohn Bale
(out of Romifh Authors) produced to be good
againfl the temptations of the petticoate ; or
(which exceedeth them both) trie Mafter Can-
dijhes Roote hee brought out of the Indies, giu'n
him by a venerable Hermit, with this frobatum eft,

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 121

or vertue, that he which tafted it fhould neuer luft
after ; by that token he could meet with none
about Court, or in London, that was content to be
an Eunuch for the Kingdome of Heauen, or lou'd
his pleafure fo httle, as to venture vpon it. I
haue not yet feald and ihakt hands with him for
making two fuch falfe Prophets of Saturne &
lupiter, out of whofe iumbling in the darke, and
coniundlion copulatiue, he denounced fuch Oracles
and alterations to enfue, as if (like another Thebit
Bencorat) he had liu'd 40. yere in a mountain to
difcerne the motion of the eighth Orbe : but as he
(for all his labour) could not attaine to it, no more
could Dick (with his predidtions) compafie anie
thing but derifion, being publiquely preacht againft
for it at Powles Crojfe by the Bifhop of London
that then was, who (according to Arte, if fuch a
Coniundlion had chanc'd) difproou'd the reuo-
lutions to bee cleane contrarie ; and befides, a
Angular Scholler, one Majier Heath, (a Follower
of the right Honorable and worthie Lord of
Hunjdon that now is) fet vpon it, and anfwered
it in Print, pell mell, cape a fee, by probable
reafon, and out of all Authors perlpicuoufly
demonftrating what a lying Ribaden, and Chink-
len Kraga it was, to conftellate and plannet it
fo portentoufly. I am none of the Cafhiers, or
Prouiditores, for lame fouldiours or Men of defert,

122 HAVE WITH YOU

but were I one, as the Athenians (in the nobleft
Schoole of their Academy) erefted to BeroJuSy the
Aftro / loger, a Statue with a golden tongue, for his
prediftions were true : fo wold I largely difburfe
toward the building him a Statue on Sophijiers
Hills, by Cambridge, with a tongue of copper or
ockamie (neerely counterfetting filuer) fuch as
organe . pipes & ferieants maces are made of,
becaufe his predictions are falfe & erronious.
And fo lightly are all the trade of them, neuer
foretokening or foretelling anie thing, till after it
be come to paffe : and then, if 'it be a Warrior, or
Conqueror, they would flatter, who is luckie and
fuccesfull in his enterprifes, they fay he is borne
vnder the aufpicious Signe of Capricorne, as Cardan
faith Co/mo de Medices, Selimus, Charles the fifth,
and Charles Duke of Burbon were ; albeit, I dare be
fworne, no wizardly Aflironomer of them all euer
dreamd of anie fuch Calculations, till they had
ihewd themfelues fo viftorious, and their pros-
perous raignes were quite expired. On the other
fide, if he be difaftrous or retrograde in hys courfes,
the maleuolent ftarres of Meduja and Andromeda,
inferring fuddaine death or banifhment, predomi-
nated his natiuitie. But (I thank heauen) I am
none of their credulous difciples, nor can they
coufen or feduce me with anie of their iugling
coniedturalls, or winking, or tooting throgh a fix

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 123

penny Jacobs Staffe ; their fpels, their charafters,
their anagrams, I haue no more perfuafion of, than
I am perfwaded, that vnder the inuerfed denomi-
nation or anagram of this Word September, (as
fome of our late Deuines and auncient Hebrue
Rabbines would enforce vpon' vs) is included the
certaine time of the Worlds firfl: Creation ; or that
he which is born under Aries fhall neuer goe in a
thrid bare cloake, or be troubled with the rheume,
becaufe the / Sunne, arriuing in that Poynt,
cloatheth the Earth with a new fleece, and fucks
vp all the Winters fuperfluous moyfture ; or that
he which is borne vnder Libra fhall bee a ludge or
luftice of Peace, becaufe the Sunne in that Signe
equally poyzeth the daies & nights alike. Heilding
Dicke (this our Ages Albumazar) is a temporift
that hath faith inough for all Religions, euen as
Thomas Deloney, the balletting Silke-weauer, hath
rime inough for all myracles, & wit to make a
Garland of goodwill more than the premifTes, with
an Epifl:le of Momus and Zoylus ; whereas his
Mufe, from the firfl peeping foorth, hath flood at
Liuery at an Ale-houfe wifpe, neuer exceeding a
penny a quart, day nor night ; and this deare yeare,
together with the filencing of his loombes, fcarce
that; he being {trained to betake him to carded
Ale: whence it proceedeth that fince Candlemas
or his ligge of lohn for the King, not one merrie

124 - HAVE WITH YOU

Dittie will come from him, but 'The Thunder-bolt
againji Swearers, Re-pent England, repent, & The
Jirange iudgments of God. No more will there
from Dick quibus in terris, Dick, paftor of Chefel-
hurji, that was wont to pen Gods iudgements vpon
fuch and fuch and one, as thicke as Watermen at
Wejiminfter-bridge. The miracles of the burning
of Brufiur with his Wench in adulterie, he writ for
Binneman ; which a villaine {Brufturs owne kins-
man) long afterward at the Gallowes tooke vppon
him, and fhewed what Ninnies a vayne Pamphleter
(one Richard Haruey) had made of the world,
imputing it to fuch a wonderfull vengeance of
adulterie, when it was nought but his murdrous
knauerie. Dead fure they are in writing againfl:
the dead ; dauncing Morifcoes and Laualtoes on
the filent graues of / Plato, Buchanan, Sinefius,
Pierius, Ariftotle, & the whole Petigree of the
Peripatecians, Sophifters, & Sorbonifis ; the moft of
whofe mouthes, clods had bungd vp many Olim-
piades fince, yet feeke they to ftifle and choak them
again with wafte paper: when (in thys innouating
felfe-love Age) it is difputable, whether they haue
anie frends or no left to defend them. This is that
Dick, that fet Ariftotle, with his heeles vpward, on
the Schoole gates at Cambridge, and afles eares on
hys head ; a thing, that in ferpetuam rei memoriam,
I will record and neuer haue done with. This is

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 125

that Dick, that comming to take one Smiths (a
yong Batchelour of I'rinitie Colkdge) Queftions,
and they being fuch as he durft not venture on,
cride, Aquila non capit mufcas, an eagle catcheth no
flies ; and (o gaue them him againe : wheretoo, the
other (beeing a luftie big boand fellow, & a Golias,
or Behemoth, in comparifon of him) ftrait retorted
it vpon him, Nee elephas mures, no more doth an
elephant ftoope to myce ; and fo they parted.
This is that Dick, of whom Kit Marloe was wont
to fay, that he was an affe, good for nothing but to
preach of the Iron Age : dialoguizing Dicke, lo
Paan Dicke, Synejian and Pierian Dick, Dick the
true Brute, or noble 'Trojan, or Dick that hath
vowd to Hue and die in defence of Brute, and
this our lies firft ofFfpring from the Troians, Dick
againft baldnes, Dick againft Buchanan, little and
litde witted Dicke, Aquinas Dicke, " Lipjtan "
Dick, heigh light a loue a Dick, that Therefore Lip-
loft his Benefice & his Wench both at cause lameiy
once ; his Benefice for want of fuffi- hee striues to

, , . 1 r r imitate and bee

ciencie, and his wench ror want or a another Eng-

-n /- r r I r ■ i- • • ^^^^ Lipsius,

Benefice or lur / ncient lining to main- whenhisUppes
taine her. Dilemma Dick, diflentious light, as hee

-r\. 1 . 1 , . . , , can neuer come

Dick ; With ai?t m malam crucem, that neere him.
is, get all thy frends in their prayers to commend
thee, I fhut vp the congefted Index of thy
redundant opproby, and haft backe to the right

126 HAVE WITH YOU

worfhipfull of the Lawes, Mafler D. Garropius,
thy brother, (as in euerie Letter that thou writ'ft
to him thou tearmft him,) who, for all he is a
ciuill Lawier, will neuer be Lex loquens, a Lawier
that fliall lowd throate it with, Good, my Lord,
confider this poor mans cafe. But thogh he be
in none of your Courts Licentiate, and a Courtier
otherwife, hee is neuer like to be ; one of the
Emperour luftinians Courtiers (the ciuill Lawes
chiefe Founder) malgre he will name himfelfe :
and a quarter of a yeare fince, I was aduertifed,
that afwell his workes, as the whole body of that
Law compleat, (hauing no other employment in
his Facultie) hee was in hand to tourne into
Englifh Hexameters ; and if he might haue had
his will, whiles he was yet refident in Cambridge,
it ftiould haue been feuerely enafted throghout the
Vniuerfitie, that none fhould fpeake or ordinarily
conuerfe, but in that cue. For himfelfe, hee verie
religioufly obferu'd it, neuer meeting anie Doftor
or frend of his, but he would falute him, or giue
him the time of the day in it moft heroically, euen
as hee faluted a Phifition of fpeciall account in thefe
tearmes.

Nere can I meet you, fir, but needs muft I veile
my bonnetto.

Which he (loth to be behinde with him in
curtefie) thus turnd vpon him againe.

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 127

Nere can I meet you,Jir, but needs muft I call ye
knauetto.

Once hee had made an Hexameter verfe of
feauen feete, whereas it would lawfully beare but
fixe ; which fault / a pleafant Gentleman hauing
found him with, wrapt the faid verfe in a peece of
paper, & fent a lowfe with it, inferting vnderneath,
"This verfe hath more feet than a lowfe. But to
fo Didtionarie a cuftome it was grown with him,
that after fupper if he chaunft to play at Cards,
and had but one Queen of Harts light in his
hand, he would extempore, in that kinde of verfe,
runne vppon mens hearts and womens hearts all
the night long, as.

Stout heart andjweet hart, yet fioutefl hart to lee
fioofed.

No may-pole in the ftreete, no wether-cocke on
anie Church fteeple, no garden, no arbour, no law-
rell, no ewe tree, that he would ouerflip without
haylfing after the fame methode. His braynes,
his time, all hys maintenance & exhibition vpon
it he hath confumed, and neuer intermitted, till
fuch time as he beganne to Epiftle it againft mee,
fince which I haue kept him a work indifferently :
and that in the deadeft feafon that might bee;
hee lying in the ragingeft furie of the laft Plague,
when there dyde aboue 1 600. a week in London,

128 HAUE WITH YOU

inck-fquittring and printing againft me at Wolfes
in Powles Church-yard. Three quarters of a yere
thus cloyftred and immured hee remained, not
beeing able almoft to ftep out of dores, he was
fo barricadoed vp with graues, which befiedged
and vndermined his verie threfhold ; nor to open
his window euening or morning, but a dampe
(like the fmoake of a Cannon) from the fat
manured earth with contagion (being the buriall
place of fiue parifhes) in thick rouling clowds
would ftruggingly funnell vp, & with a full
blaft pufFe in at his cafements. Supply mee with
a margent note, fome bodie that hath more idle
leafure than I haue at the / poft haft hudling vp
of thefe prefents, as touching his fpirites yearning
empafionment, and agonizd fiery thirft of reuenge,
that negled:ed foule & bodies helth, to compafTe
it : the helth of his bodie, in lying in the hell
mouth of infedlion, & his foules health in minding
any other matters than his foul ; nay, matters that
were vtter enemies to his foul (as his firft ofFring
of wrong, & then profecuting of it), when his
fc^le and bodie both, euerie hower wer at the
hazard poynt to be feperated. The argument
(to my great reioycing & folace) fro hence I
haue gathered, was, that my lines were of more
fmarting efficacie than I thought, & had that fteele
and mettall in them, which pierft & ftung him to

TO SAPFRON-WALDEN. 129

the quick, and droue him, vpon the firft fearching
of the wounds I had giu'n him, to fuch rauing
impatience, as he could reft no where, but through
the poyfonfulleft iawes of death, and fire and
water, he would burft, to take vengeance, and
not onely on the liuing but the dead alfo, (as
what will not a dogge doo that is angerd, bite
and gnarle at anie bone or ftone- that is neere
him) : but rather I deeme that from the harfh
grating in his eares, & continuall craftiing of
fextens fpades againft dead mens bones (more
difmall mufique to him than the Voyce or Ghofts
Hearfe), he came fb to be incenft & to inueigh
againft the dead, therewith they exafperating, and
fetting his teeth on edge, more than hee would
But let that reft, which would not let him reft :
at Wolfes he is billetted, fweating, and dealing
vpon it moft intentiuely ; and for he would (as
nere as was poffible) remoue all whatfoeuer en-
cumbraces, that might alienate, or withdraw him
from his ftudie, hee hath vowd (during his abode
there) not tp haue a denier in his purfe, or fee
money, / but let it run on the fcore, and goe to
the diuell if it will, he is refolute, and means to
trouble himfelfe with none of this trafti : and yet
it is a world to heare how malicious tongues will
flaunder a man with truth, and giue out, how of
one Mighell, (fomtimes Dexters man in Powles
N. in. 9

130 HAVE WITH YOU

Churchyard, though now he dwells at Exceter)
he fliould borrow ten fhillings to buy him fhooes
and ftockings, and when it came to repayment,
or that he was faine to borrow of another to
fatisfie and pay him (as he will borrow fo much
fauor of him he nere faw before) no lefle than
halfe a crowne out of that ten fhillings he for-
fwore, & rebated him for vfurie. Contet your
felf, it was a hard time with him, let not Mighel
and Gabriell (two Angels) fall out for a trifle :
thofe that be his frends will confider of it &
beare with him, euen as Beniamin, the Founders
father who dwels by Fkete-bridge, hath borne
with him this foure yere for a groat which he
owes him for plaifl:ers ; and fo 'Trinitie Hall
hath borne with him more than that, he being
(as one that was Fellow of the fame Houfe of
his {landing informd mee) neuer able to pay his
Commons, but from time to time borne out in
almes amongfl: the refl; of the Fellowes ; how
euer he tells fome of his frends he hath an
out-brotherfliip, or beadfmans ftipend, of ten
fhillings a yeare there ftill comming to him, and
a Library worth 200. pound. lohn Wolfe fayes
nothing, and yet hee beares with him afmuch as
the beft, and if hee had borne a little longer, he
would haue borne till his back broke, though
Gabriell lookes big vpon it, and protefls by no

TO SAPPRON-WALDEN. 13;

bugges, he owes him not a dandiprat, but that
Wolfe is rather in his debt than hee in his, all
reckonings iuftly caft. h\ plaine truth and in
verity, fome pleafures / he did Wolfe in my know-
ledge. For firft and formoft he did for him that
eloquent poftfcript for the Plague Bills, where
he talkes of the feries, the clafles & the premifles,
& prefenting them with an exadter methode here-
after, if it pleafe God the Plague continue. By
the ftyle I tooke it napping, and fmelt it to be
a pig of his Sus Mineruam, the Sow his Mufe, as
foone as euer I read it, and fince the Printer hath
confeft it to mee. The vermilion Wrinckle de
crinkledum hop'd (belike) that the Plague would
proceed, that he might haue an occupation of it.
The fecond thing wherein he made Wolfe fo
much beholding to him, was that if there were
euer a paltrie Scriuano, betwixt a Lawiers Clark
& a Poet, or fmattring pert Boy whofe buttocks
were not yet coole fince he came from the gram-
mer, or one that houers betwixt two crutches
of a Scholler and a Traueller, when neither will
helpe him to goe vpright in the worlds opinion,
& Ihuld ftumble in there with a Pamphlet to
fell, let him or anie of them but haue conioynd
with him in rayling againft mee, and feed his
humor of vaine-glorie, were their ftuffe by ten
millions more "Tramontani or 'Tranfalpine barbarous

132 HAVE WITH YOU

than balletry, he would haue preft it vpon Wolfe,
whether he would or no, and giu'n it immortall
allowance aboue Spencer. So did he by that
Philiftine Poem of Parthenofhill and Parthenofe,
which to compare worfe than it felfe, it would
plunge all the wits of France, Spaine, or Italy.
And when hee faw it would not fell, hee cald
all the World afles a hundred times ouer, with
the ftampingeft curfing and tearing he could vtter
,it, for that he hauing giu'n it his pafle or good
word, they obftinately contemnd and miflik'd it.
So did he by Chutes Shores Wife, / and his Procris
and Cephalus, and a number of Pamphlagonian
things more, that it would ruft & yron fpot paper
to haue but one fillable of their names breathed
ouer it. By thefe complots and careful! puruey-
ance for him, Wolfe could not choofe but bee a
huge gainer, a hundred marke at leaft, ouer the
fhoulder : & which was a third aduantage to
hoyfl: or raife him, befides the Doftors meate
and drinke, which God payd for, and it is not
to be fpoken of, he fet him on the fcore for fack
centum pro cento, a hundred "quarts in a feuen-
Youmust "ight," whiles he was thus faracenly
w^"th1fdog fentencing it againft mee. Towards
did u'to"cooie the latter end, he grew weary of
*""■ keeping him and fo manie afles (of
his procuring) at liuery, and would grumble and

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 133

mutiny in his hearing of want of money. Tut
man, mony would he fay, is that your difcon-
tent? Plucke vp your fpirites and bee merry,
I cannot abide to heare anie man complaine for
want of money. Twice or thrice hee had fet
this magnificent face vpon it, and euer Wolfe
lookd when hee would haue terrifide the table
with a found knock of a purfle of angels, and
fayd, There's for thee, paye mee when thou art
able : but with him there was no fuch matter,
for he put his hand in his pocket but to fcrub
his arme a little that itcht, and not to pluck out
anie cafti, which with him is a ftranger fhape
than euer Cams Ihrowded in his den, and would
make him, if he fhould chop on anie fuch churlifh
lumpe vnawares, to admire & bleffe himfelfe,
with

Qjiis nouus his nojiris Juccejfit Jedibus hqfpes.

lefu how comes this to pafTe.'' heere is fuch geere
as I neuer faw .? So blefle himfelfe he could not,
but beeing a little more roundly put to it, he
was faine to confeffe, that / he was a poore
impecunious creature, & had not traffiqut a great
while for anie of thefe commodities of Santa Cruz,
but as foone as euer his rents came vp, which he
expefted euerie howre (though I could neuer
heare of anie he had, more than his ten fhillings

134 HA UE WITH YOU

a yeare at Trinitie Hall, if he haue that) he
would moft munificently congratulate, correfpond,
and fimpathize with him in al interchangable
viciffitude of kindnes ; & let not the current of
time feeme too protradliue, extended, or breed
anie difunion betwixt them, for he would ac-
celerate & feftinate his procraftinating minifters
and commiflaries in the countrey, by Letters as
expedite as could bee. I giue him his true
diale6t and right varnilh of elocution, not varying
one I tittle from the high ftraine of his harmo-
nious phrafe, wherein he puts downe Hermogenes
with his Art of Rhetorique, and fo farre out-
ftrips ouer-tunged Beldam Roome, or her fuper-
delicate baftard daughter ceremonious diflembling
Italy, as Europe puts down all the other parts of
the World in populous focieties and fertilenes.
A Gentleman, a frend of mine, that was no
ftraunger to fuch bandyings as had paft, bewixt
vs, was defirous to fee how he lookt fince my
ftrapadoing and torturing him ; in which fpleene
he went and enquird for him : anfwere was
made he was but new rifen, and if it wold pleafe
him to ftay, he would come down to him anon.
Two howres good by the clocke he attended his
pleafure, while he (as fome of his fellow-Inmates
haue fince related vnto mee) ftood adting by the
glafle, all his geftures he was to vfe all the day

rO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 13s

after, and currying & fmudging and pranking
himfelfe vnmeafurably. Voft varios cqfus, his
cafe of tooth-pikes, his combe cafe, his cafe / of
head-brufhes and beard-brufhes run ouer, £5? tot
dircrimina rerum, rubbing cloathes of all kindes,
downe he came, and after the bazelos manus,
with amplifications and complements hee be-
laboured him till his eares tingled, and his feet
ak'd againe. Neuer was man fo furfetted and
ouer-gorged with Englifti, as hee cloyd him with
his generous fpirites, renumeration of gratuities,
ftopping the pofternes of ingratitude, bearing
the launcier too feuere into his imperfeftions,
and trauerfing the ample forreft of interlocution.
The Gentleman fwore to mee, that vpon his firft
apparition (till he difclofed himfelfe) he tooke
him for an Vfher of a dancing Schoole, neither
doth he greatly differ from it, for no Vfher of
a dauncing Schoole was euer fuch a BaJJia Dona
or Baffia de vmbra de vmbra des los pedes, a kifTer
of the fhadow of your feetes fhadow, as he is.
I haue perufed vearfes of his, written vnder his
owne hand to Sir Philip Sidney, wherein he
courted him as he were another CypariJJus or
Ganimede ; the laft Gordian true loues knot, or
knitting vp of them is this :

Sum iecur ex quo te primicm Sydnee vidi,
Os oculqfque regit, cogit amare iecur.

136 HA UE WITH YOU

All liuer am I, Sidney ,fince I Jaw thee ;

My mouth eyes rules it, and to hue doth draw
mee.
Not halfe a yeare fiiiCe, comtning out of Lincoln-
Jhyre, it was my hap to take Cambridge in my
waye, where I had not beene in fixe yeare before,
when by wonderful! deftenie, who (in the fame
Inne and very next chamber to mee, parted but
by a wainfcot doore that was naild vp, either
vnwitting of other) fhould be lodged but his
Gabriel/hip, that, in a manner, had liu'd as long
a Pilgrim from thence as I. Euerie circumftance
I cannot ftand to /reckon vp, as how wee came
to take knowledge of one anothers being there,
or what a'ftomacke I had to haue fcratcht with
him, but that the nature of the place hihderd
mee, where it is as ill as pettie treafon, to look
but awry on the facred perfon of a Dodtour,
and I had plotted my reuenge otherwife ; as alfo
of a meeting, or conference, on his part defired,
wherein all quarrells might be difcuft and drawne
to an attonement, but non vult fac, I had no fancie
to it : for once before I had bin fo coufend by
his colloging, though perfonally we neuer met
face to face, yet by trouch-men and vant-curriers
betwixt vs, nor could it fettle in my confcience,
to loofe fo much paines I had tooke in new
arraying & furbufhing him, or that a publique

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 137

wrong in Print was to be fo fleightly flubberd
ouer in priuate, with Come, come, giue me your
hand, let vs bee frends, and therevpon I drinke
to you. And a further doubt there was if I
had tafted of his beife and porredge at 'Trinity
Hal as he defired, {notandum eft, for the whole
fortnight together that he was in Cambridge, his
Commons ran in the Colledge detriments, as the
greateft curtefie hee could doo the Houfe, whereof
he was, to eate vp their meate and neuer pay
anie thing) ; If I had (I fay) rufht in my felfe,
and two or three hungrie Fellowes more, and
cryde, Doo you want anie gueftes ? what, nothing
but bare Commons ; it had beene a queftion
(confidering the good-will that is betwixt vs)
whether he wold haue lent me a precious dram
more than ordinarie, to helpe difgeftion : he may
be fuch another craftie mortring Druggeir, or
Italian porredge feafoner, for anie thing I euer
faw in his complexion. That word complexion
is dropt foorth in good time, for to defcribe to
you / his complexion & compofition, entred I into
this tale by the way, or tale I found in my way
riding vp to London. It is of an aduft, fwarth,
chollericke dye, like reftie bacon, or a dride fcate-
fifh ; fo leane and fo meagre, that you wold
thinke (like the Turks) he obferu'd 4 Lents in
a yere, or take him for the Gentlemans man

138 HAVE WITH YOU

in the Courtier, who was fo thin cheekd and
gaunt and ftaru'd, that as he was blowing the
fire with his mouth, the fmoke tooke him vp,
like a light ftrawe, and carried him to the top
or funnell of the chimney, wher he had flowne
out God knowes whether, if there had not bin
crofle barres ouerwhart that ftayde him ; his
fkin riddled and crumpled like a peice of burnt
parchment ; & more channels and creafes he hath
in his face, than there be Fairie circles on Saljburie
Plaine, and wrinkles & frets of old age, than
charafters on Chrifts Sepulcher in Mount Caluarie,
on which euerie one that comes fcrapes his name,
and fets his marke, to fliewe that hee hath been
there : fo that whofoeuer fhaU behold him,

EJJe putet Borea trifle furentis opus,

will fweare on a booke I haue brought him lowe,
and ihrowdly broken him : which more to con-
firme, look- on his head and you fhall finde a
gray haire for euerie line I haue writ againft
him ; and you fhall haue all his beard white too,
by that time hee hath read ouer this booke. For
his ftature, he is fuch another pretie lacke a Lent
as boyes throw at in the ftreete, and lookes in
his blacke fute ^of veluet, like one of thefe ieat
droppes which diuers weare at their eares in
ftead of a iewell. A fmudge peice of k hand-

10 SAFFRON-WALDEN. 139

fome fellow it hath beene in his dayes, but now
he is olde and paft his beft, and fit for nothing
but to be a Noble mans porter, or a Knight of/
Windjor, cares haue fo crazed him, and difgraces
to the verie bones confumed him ; amongft which
hys miffing of the Vniuerfitie Oratorfhip, wherin
Doftor Verne befteaded him, wrought not the
light] iefl: with him ; and if none of them were,
his courfe of life is fuch, as would make anie
man looke ill on it, for he wil endure more
hardnes than a Camell, who in the burning fands
will Hue foure dayes without water, & feeds on
nothing but thiftles and wormewood, & fuch
lyke': no more doth he feed on anie thing, when
he is at Saffron-walden, but flieepes trotters, pork-
nells, and butterd rootes ; and other-while in an
Hexameter meditation, or when hee is inuenting
a new part of 'Tully, or hatching fuch another
Paradoxe, as that of Nicholaus Copernicus was,
who held, that the Sun remains immoueable in
the center of the World, & that the Earth is
moou'd about the Sunne, he would be fo rapt,
that hee would remaine three dayes and neither
eate nor drinke, and within doores he will keepe
feauen yeare together, and come not abroad fo
much as to Church. The like for feauen and
thirtie weekes fpace together he did, while he lay
at Wolfes coppying againfl: mee, neuer ftirring

140 HAUE WITH YOU

out of dores or being churched all that while,
but like thofe in the Weft country, that after
the Paulin hath cald them, or they haue feene
a fpirit, keep themfelues darke 24. howres ; fo
after I had plaid the fpirit in banting him in my
4. Letters cofuted, he could by no means endure
the light, nor durft venter himfelf abroad in the
open aire for manie moths after, for feare he
ftiould be frefti blafted by all mens fcorne and
derifion. My inftruftions of him are fo ouer-
flowing and numberlefle, that except I abridge
them, my Book will grow/fuch a bouncer, that
thofe which buy it muft bee faine to hire a porter
to carry it after them in a baflcet. For breuitie
fake I omit twentie things, as the conflidt betwixt
my Hoftefle of the Dolphin in Cambridge, and
him at my beeing there, about his lying in her
houfe a fortnight, and keeping one of the beft
Chambers, yet neuer ofFring to fpend a penie ;
the Hackney-mens of Saffron-walden purfuing
him for their horfes, he hiring them but for
three dayes and keeping them fifteene, & telling
him very flatly, when he went about to excufe
it, that they could not fpare them from their
Cart fo long, they being Cart horfes which they
fet him on. The defcription of that poore lohn
a Droynes his man, whom he had hyred for that
iourney, a great big-boand threftier, put in a blue

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 141

coate too fhort wafted for him, & a fute made of
the inner linings of a fute turnd outward, being
white canuas pinkt vpon cotton ; his intoUerable
boafting at Wolfes to fuch as wold hold him chat,
& he could draw to talk with him, that he
thought no man in England had more learning
than himfelfe ; hys threatning anie Noble-man
whatfoeuer, that durft take my part, and vowing
he would do this and that to him if he fliould ;
his incenfjng my L. Mayor againft me that then
was, by diredting vnto him a perfwaliue pamphlet
to perfecute mee, and not to let flip the aduan-
tage hee had againft mee, and reporting certaine
words I fliuld fpeake againft him that Chriftmas
at a Tauerne in London, when I was in the
lie of Wight then and a great while after. His
inciting the Preacher at Poules Crojfe, that lay
at the fame houfe in Wood-ftreste which hee did,
to preach manifeftly againft Mafier hilly, and mee,
with. Woe to the Printer, woe to the Seller, woe
to the Buyer,! woe to the Author. But in none
of thefe will I infift, which are remnants in com-
parifon of the whole piece I haue to fhew ; only
I will haue a fhort tutch at Wolfes and his parting,
and fo make an end of an old fong, and bid god
night to this Hiftorie.

Pierfes Supererogation printed, the charge where-
of the Dodlor had promift to defray and be count-

142 HAVE WITH YOU

able to Wolfe for, amounting (with his diet) to
^S pounds, from Saffron-walden no argent would
be heard of, wherefore, downe he muft go amongft
his tenaunts, as he pretended (which are no other
than a company of beggers, that lye in an out
barne of his mothers fometimes) and fetch vp the
grand fummes, or legem pone. To accomplifh this,
Wolfe procur'd him horfes and money for his
expences, lent him one of his Prentifes (for a
feruing creature) to grace him, clapping an olde
blue coate on his backe, which was one of my
Lord of Harfords liueries (he pulling the badge
off) & fo away they went. Saint Chriftopher be
their fpeed, and fend them well backe againe ;
but fo prayes not our Dominko Ciuilian, for he
had no fuch determination : but as foone as euer
he had left London behinde him, he infinuated
with this Inventus to run away fro his Mafter,
and take him for his good Lord and fupporter.
The Page was eafily mellowd with his attraftiue
eloquece, as what heart of adamant, or enclofed
in a Crocodyles fkin (which no yron will pierce)
that hath the power to withftand the Mercurian
heauenly charme of hys Rhetorique ? With him
he ftayes halfe a yere, rubbing his toes, and fol-
lowing him, with his fprinkhng glafle & his boxe
of kiffing comfets, from place to place ; whiles
his Mafter, fretting & chafing to be thus colted

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 143

of both of/ them, is readie to fend out Proceffe
for the Dodor, and get his Nouice cride in euerie
market Towne in Ejfex : but they preuented him,
for the impe or ftripling, being almoft ftaru'd in
this time of his beeing with him, gaue him warn-
ing he would no longer ferue him, but wold home
to his mailer what euer Ihift he made. Gabriell
thought it not amifle to take him at his word,
becaufe his clothes were all greafie and worne out,
& hee is neuer wont to keepe anie man longer
than the fute lafteth he brings with him, and then
turne him to grafle and get one in newe trappings;
and euer picke quarrells with him before the
yeares end, becaufe hee would be fure to pay
him no wages : yet in his prouident forecaft, he
concluded it better policie for him to fend him
backe to his Mafter, than he Ihould goe of his
owne accord, and whereas he was to make a
iourney to London within a weeke or fuch a matter,
to haue his blue coate (being deftitute of euer
another trencher-carrier) credit him vp, though
it were thrid bare. So confidered, and fo done, at
an Inne at IJlington hee alights, and there keepes
him aloofe, London being too hot for him. His
retinue (or attendaunt), with a whole cloke-bag
full of commendations to his mafter, he difmifleth,
and in ftead of the 36. pounds hee ought him, wild
him to certifie him, that verie fhortly hee would

144 HA UE WITH YOU

fend him a couple of Hennes to Shroue with.
Wolfe, receiuing this meffage, and holding himfelfe
palpablye flouted therein, went and feed Baylies,
and gets one Scarlet (a frend of his) to goe and
draw him foorth, & hold him with a tale whiles
they might fteale on him and arrefl: him. The
watch-word giu'n them when they fliould feaze
vpon him, was Wolfe (I muji needes Jay) hath /
vfde you verie grojely : and to the intent he might
fufpedt nothing by Scarlets comming, there was a
kind letter fram'd in Wolfes name, with To the
right worfhipfull of the Lawes, in a great Text
hand, for a fuperfcription on the out-fide ; and
vnderneath at the bottome. Tour worfhips euer to
commaund^andfrejitodooyoujeruice, lohn Wolfe.
The contents of it were about the talking with his
Lawier, and the eager proceeding of his Sifter in
law againft him. This letter deliuered and read,
and Scarlet and he (after the tafting of a cup of
dead beere, that had flood pawling by him in a
pot three dayes) defcending into fome conference,
he began to finde himfelfe ill apaid with Wolfes
encroaching vpon him, and aflcing him money for
the Printing of his Booke, and his diet, whiles he
was clofe prifoner, attending and toyling about it,
& obiefting how other men of lefle defert wer
liberally recompenft for their paines, whereas he
(whofe worth ouer-balaunfl the proudeft) muft be

TO SAPFRON-WALDEN. 145

conftrained to hire men to make themfelues rich.
I appeale to you (quoth hee) whether euer anie
mans workes fold Hke mine ? I, euen from a
childe, good mafter Doftor, replide Scarlet, and
made a mouth at him ouer his Ihoulder, fo footh-
ing him on forward till the Baylies Cue came of
Wolfes abufing him verie grofely, which they not
failing to take at the firft rebound, ftept into the
roome boldly (as they were two well bumbafted
fwaggering fat bellies, hauing faces as broad as
the backe of a chimney, and as big as a towne
bag-pudding) and clapping the Dodtor with a lufty
blow on the ihoulder that made his legs bow
vnder him, and his guts cry quag againe, by your
leaue, they faid vnto him (in a thundering yeoman
vfhers diapafon) in / Gods name and the Queenes
wee doo arrefl you. Without more paufe, away
they hurried him, & made him beleeue they wold
carry him into the Cittie, where his Creditor was,
whe comming vnder Newgate, they told him they
had occafion to goe fpeake with one there, and fo
thruft him in before them for good manners
fake, becaufe he was a Doftour, and their better,
bidding the Keeper, as Ibone as euer he was in,
to take charge of him. Some lofty tragicall Poet
helpe mee, that is dayly conuerfant in the fierce
encounters of Raw-head and bloody-bones, and
whofe pen, like the Plowes in Spayne that often
N- III. 10

146 HAUE WITH YOU

ftumble on golde vaines, ftill fplits and ftumpes
itfelfe againft olde yron and raking ore, battred
Armour and broken Truncheons, to recount and
exprefle the more than Herculean fury he was in,
when hee fawe hee was fo notably betrayd, and
bought and folde. Hee fumde, he ftampt, he
buffeted himfelfe about the face, beat his head
againft the walls, and was ready to byte the flefh off
his armes, if they had not hindred him ; out of
doores he would haue gone (as I cannot blame him)
or hee fwore hee would teare down the walls and
fet the houfe on fire, if they relifted him : whither,
quoth he, you villaines, haue you brought mee ?
To Newgate, good Mafter Doftour, with a lowe
legge they made anfwer : I knowe not where I
am. In Newgate, agayne replyed they, good
Mafter Doftour. Into fome blinde corner you
haue drawne me to be murdred : to no place
(replyed they the third time) but to Newgate,
good Mafter Dodtour. Murder, murder, (he
cryed out) : fome body breake in, or they will
murder mee. No murder but an acftion of debt,
fayd they, good Mafter Do6tour. O you prophane
/ Plebeyans, exclaymed hee, I will mgffacre, I will
crucifie you for prefuming to lay hands thus on
my reuerent perfon. All this would not ferue him,
no more than Hackets counterfet madnefle would
keepe him from the Gallowes, but vp he was

TO SA FFR ON- WA LDEN. 1 47

had and fliewed his lodging, where hee fhould
lye by it, and willed to deliuer vp his weapon.
That wrung him on the withers worfe than all the
reft. What my armes, my defence, my weapon,
my dagger, quoth hee : my life then, 1 fee, is
confpired againft, when you feek to bereaue me
of the inftruments that fhould fecure it. They
raded him vp foundly, and told him if he would
be conformable to the order of the prifon fo it
was, otherwife hee fhould bee forc't : force him no
forces, no fuch mechanicall drudges fhould haue
the honor of his artillery : marry, if fome worthy
Maieftrate came, as their Mafter or MiftrefTe, it
might be vppon good conditions, for his lifes
fafetie and preferuation hee woulde furrender.
The miftrefTe of the houfe (her hufband beeing
abfent) vnderftanding of his folly, came vp to
him, and went about to perfwade him. At her
fight fomewhat calm'd hee was, as it is a true
amorous Knight, and hath no power to deny any
thing to ladies & gentlewomen, & he tolde her if
fhe would command her feruants forth (whom hee
fcornd fhould haue theyr eyes fo much illuminated
as to beholde any martiall engin of his) hee would,
in all humility, difpoyle himfelfe of it. Shee fo
farre yeelded to him, when as foone as they were
out, he runs and fwaps the doore too, & drawes
his dagger vpon her with, O I will kill thee, what

148 HAUE WITH YOU

could I doo to thee nowe ? And fo extreamely
terrified her, that fhee fcritched out to her feruants,
who burft in in heapes, as thinking /he would
haue rauiiht her. Neuer was our Tapthartharath
(though hee hath run through manie briers) in the
like ruthfull pickle hee was then, for to the bolts
he muft, amongft theeues and rogues, and taft of
the Widdowes Almes for drawing his dagger in
a Prifon : fro which there was no deliuerance, if
bafely hee had not falne vppon his knees and afkt
hir forgiuenes. Dinner being readie, he was cald
downe, & there beeing a better man than hee
prefent, who was plac'd at the vpper end of the
boord, for very fpite that hee might not fit higheft,
he fl:raight flung to his chamber againe, and vowd
by heauen and earth and all the flefli on his backe,
he would famifti himfelfe, before he would eate a
bit of meate as long as he was in Newgate. How
inuiolably hee kept it, I will not conceale from
you. About a two howres after, when he felt his
craw emptie, and his ftomacke began to wamble,
hee writ a Supplication to his Hofl:efl"e, that he
might fpeak with her ; to whome (at her approach-
ing) hee recited what a rafii vow he had made,
and what a commotion there was in his entrayles
or pudding-houfe, for want of food ; wherefore
if fhe would fteale to him a byt fecretly, and let
there be no words of it, hee would, I marry would

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 149

hee (when hee was releaft) perfourme mountaines.
She (in pittie of him) feeing him a brain-ficke
bedlam, and an innocent that had no fenfe to
gouerne himfelfe, being loth he fhould be damnd
and go to hell for a meales meate, hauing vowd,
and through famine readie to breake it, got her
hufband to go forth with him out of dores, to
fome Cookes fhop at Pye-corner there-abouts, or (as
others will haue it) to the Tap-houfe vnder the
prifon ; where hauing eaten fufficient / his hungrie
bodie to fuftaine, the diuell a fcute had he to pay
the reckoning, but the keepers credite muft goe
for it. How he got out of this Caftle Dolorus,
if anie be with childe to know, let them enquire
of the Minifter then feruing at Saint Albums in
Wood-ftreet, who in Chriftian charitie, onely for
the names fake (not being acquainted with him
before) entred bod for him to anfwere it at law,
& fatisfied the houfe for his lodging and Mangerie.
But being reftored to the open aire, the cafe with
him was little altred, for no roofe had he to hide
his noddle in, or whither he might go to fet
vp his reft, but in the ftreets vnder a bulk he
ftiould haue been conftraind to haue kenneld, &
chalkt out his cabbin, if the faid Minifter had not
the fecond time flood his friend, and preferd him
to a chamber at one Rolfes^ a Serieants in Wood-
ftreete ; whom (as I take it) he alfo procured to

ISO ii:a ue with you

be equally bound with him for his new coufens
apparance to the law, which he neuer did, but left
both of them in the lurtch for him : and running
in debt with Rolfe befide for Koufe-roome and
diet, one day when he was from home, he clofely
conuaid away his truncke foorth of doores, and
fhewde him a fayre paire of heeles. At Saffron-
walden (for the moft part) from that his flight to
this prefent hath hee mewd and coopt vp himfelfe
inuifible, being counted for dead & no tidings of
him, till I came in the winde of him at Cambridgej
And fo I winde vp his thrid of life, which, I feare,
I haue drawne out too large, although in three
quarters of it (of purpofe to curtail it) I haue left
defcant, and tafkt me to plaine fong : whereof,
that it is anie other than plaine truth let no man
difl:ru{l, it being by good men and true (word for
word as I let it fly amongft / you) to mee in the
feare of God vttred, all yet aliue to confirme it.
Wherefore fettle your faith immoueably, and now
you haue heard his life, iudge of his doftrine
accordingly.

Carnead. His life and do3lrine may both be to
vs an en/ample, for fmce the raigne of Queen
Gueniuer was there neuer Jeene worfe.

Import. Tet for all he is fuck a vaine Bafilifco,
and Captaine Crack-fl;one, in all his actions &?
conuerfation, & fwarmeth in vile Canniball words.

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN: 151

there is Jome good matter in his booke againft
thee.

Re/pond. We will trie that matter immediately,
for my minde euer giuing mee, that wee fliould
haue you, and fuch like Humorifts of your
Faftion, runne from one matter to another, &
from the matter to the manner, and from the
manner to the forme, and from the forme to the
caufe, and from the caufe to the effed, I prouided
to match you at all weapons. And here, next
his life, I haue drawen an Abridgement, or
Inuentorie, of all the materiall Tradtates and
Contents of hys Booke.

Import. 'Then thou haft done well: for it is
it that I all this while lookt for. I pray thee,
let me read it my felfe.

A Summarie, or breife Analyfts, of fuch matters
as are handled in the DoSiors Booke.

Inprimis, one Epiftle, of a fheete and more
of paper, to his gentle & liberall frends, Mafter
Barnabe Barnes, Mafter lohn Thorius, Mafter
Anthonie Chute, and euerie fauourable Reader.

Carnead. / O ho, thofe whom hee calls the three
orient wits. Mine eyes are partly acceffarie vnto
it. It is to thanke them for their curteous Letters
and commendatorie Sonnets, writ to him from a
farre, as namely, out of the hall into the kitchin

IS2 HA UE WITH YOU

at Wolfes, where altogether at one time they lodged
and boarded. With a great manie maidenly excufes
of, tis more of your gentlenes than my deferuing,
and I cannot, without hlufhing repeate, and without
fhame remember. "Then he comes vpon thee with.
Vie, Vie, rie.

Rejfond. What ftiould I fay, / will and com-
maund, like a Prince? hee might as well write
againft Poules for hauing three lies in it.

Carnead. Hee calls thee the greene Popinjay,
^ faie's thou art thine owne idoll.

Refpond. Let him either fhew how or wherein,
or I will not beleeue him, & my negatiue (in any
ground in England) is as good as his affirmatiue.

Carnead. And fo proceeds with complement and
a little more complement, and a crufi of quippes,
and a little more complement after that ; then he
falls in exhorting thofe his three Patrons to goe
forward in maturitie, as they haue begun in
pregnancie ; whofe Parthenophils and Parthenopes
embellifhed, and Shores Wife eternized, fhall euer-
laftingly tefiifie what they are.

Refpond. And fo haue I teftifide for them what
they are, which will laft time enough.

Carnead. Hee bids Barnabe of the Barnes, bee
the gallant Poet like Spencer, or the valiant
Souldiour like Balkeruile ; and euer remember his
French Seruice vnderfuch a Generall.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 153

Re/pond. What his Soldiourfhip is I cannot
iudge, but /if you haue euer a chaine for him
to runne awaye with, as hee did with a Noble-
mans Stewards chayne at his Lords enftalling
at Windjore ; or if you would haue anie rymes
to the tune of ftink-a-piJJ'e , hee is for you. In
one place of his Parthenophill and Parthempe,
wifhing no other thing of Heauen, but that hee
might bee transformed to the Wine his Miftres
drinks, and fo pafle thorough her.

Bentiv. 1'herein he was verie ill aduijde, for
Jo the next time his Miftres made water, he was
in danger to he caft out of her fauour.

Refpond. Of late he hath fet foorth another
Booke, which hee entitles no lefle than J deuine
Centurie of Sonets, and prefixeth for his pofie,

Altera Muja venit, quid ni fit £5? alter Apollo ?

As much to fay, as why may not my Mufe bee
as great an Apollo, or God of Poetrie, as the
proudeft of them.? but it comes as farre fhort,
as Paris Garden Cut of the height of a Cammell,
or a Cocke-boate of a Carricke : fuch another
deuice it is as the godly Ballet of lohn Carelejfe,
or the Song of Greene fleeues moralized.

Carnead. For his Cauali'erjhip, fince thou art
not inftru5led in it, let mee tell thee, it is lewder
by nine Jcore times than his Poetry ; fince his

154 HAUE WITH YOU

doughtie feruice in France fiue yeares agoe, I not
forgetting him : where, hauing followd the Campe
for a weeke or two, and feeing there was no care
had of keeping the ^eenes Peace, but a man might
haue his hraines knockt out, and no lujiice or
Cunfiable mere hand to fend foorth precepts, and
make hue and cri'e after the murdrers ; without
farther tarrying or confultation, to the General!
he went, and told him he did not like of this
quarrelling kinde of life ; and common occupation /
of murdring, wherein (without anie lurie or triall,
or giuing them fo much leaue, as to faye their
praiers) men were run thorough, and had their
throats cut, both againjl Gods lawes, her Maiefiies
lawes, £53' the lawes of all Nations : wherefore hee
defird licenfe to depart, for hee flood euerie howre
in feare and dread of his perfon, and it was
alwaies his praier. From fuddain death, good
Lord, deli'uer vs. Vpon this motion, there were
diuers warlike Knights and principall Captaines,
who, rather than they would bee bereaud of his
pleafant companie, offred to picke out a ftrong
guard amongft them, for the fafe engarifoning and
better fhielding him from p'errill. 'Two ftept
foorth and prefented themfelues as mufkettiers be-
fore him, a third and fourth as targatiers behinde
him, a fifth and ftxt vowd to trie it out at the
puffi of the pike before the malicious foe fhould

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. is5

inuade him. But home hee would ; nothing could
ftay him, to finijh Parthenophil and Parthenope,
and write in fraije of Gabriell Haruey.

Confil. Hee was wife, hee loud no blowes : but
what /aid the DoSor to his other two cofejmates ?

Carnead. fFhy thus: Be thou, lohn, the many
tungd linguiji like Androwes, or the curious In-
telligencer, like Bodley ; tf neuer forget thy
Netherlandifh Traine vnder him, that taught
the prince of Nauarre, now the valorous King of
France.

Refpond. Of this lohn 'Thorius more fparingly
I wil fpeake, becaufe hee hath made his peace
with mee, & there bee in him fundrie good
parts of the Tungs and otherwife ; though thiftie
parts comming behinde & limping after Do6i:or
Androwes : who (if it bee no offence fo to com-
pare him) is tanquam Paulus in cathedra, / power-
full preaching like Paul out of his chaire ; and
his Church another Pantheon, or Templum omnium
deorum, the abfoluteft Oracle of all found deuinitie
heere amongft vs ; hee, mixing the two feuerall
properties of an Orator and a Poet both in
one, which is not onely to perfwade, but to win
admiration. Thorius, being of that modeftie
and honeftie I afcribe to him, cannot but bee
irkfom.ly afhamed, to bee refembled fo hyper-
borically, and no leffe agreeu'd than matter

156 -I-IAUE WITH YOU

Bodley (a Gentleman in our Common-wealth
of Angular defertiue reckoning & induftrie, beeing
at this prefent her Maiefties Agent in the Low
countries) ought he to bee at the hellifh detefted
ludas name of an Intelligencer, which the Doftor
in the waye of friendfliip hath throwne vpon him.
Mafter Bodley calls him rafcall & villaine for his
labour, and before his going ouer was mad to
know where he might hunt him out to bee
reuengd: which both hee and Thorius haue
reafon for, fince but to be couertly fulpefted for
an Intelligencer, (much more to be publikely
regiftred in Print for fuch a flearing falfe brother
or Ambodexter) is to make eyther of them worfe
pointed and wondered at than a cuckold or wit-
tall, and fet them vp as common marks for euerie
iackanapes Prentife to kicke, fpit, or throw durt
at. To bee an Intelligencer is to haue oathes
at will, and thinke God nere regards them ; to
frame his religion and alleageance to his Prince,
according to euerie companie he comes in : a
lew he is, that but for the fpoile loues no man ;
a curre, that flatters & fawns vpon euerie one,
low crowching by the ground like a tumbler,
till hee may fpie an aduantage, and pluck out
his throate. An ingratefuU flaue, that there
fpendeth the / bitterefl of his venome, where hee
hath receiued moft benefites ; a hang-man, that

TO SAFFRON- WALDBN. 157

difpatcheth all that come vnder his hands ; a
drunken ferieant, or fumner, that could not Hue
if (like the diuell) hee did not, from time to
time, enquire after the finnes of the people ; a
neceflarie member in a State to bee vfde to cut
ofF vnneceflarie members. Such fame hath he
preferd Mafter Bodley too, and wiflieth Thorius
to emulate. By his Netherlandifhe trayne vnder
him, that taught the Prince of Nauarre, now
the valorous King of France, is not to bee
gathered that hee was fchoolefellow to the King
of France, as he would faine put the world in
a fooles Paradice, becaufe hee hath fonnetted it
in hys praife, but that hee was doftor Coranus
fonne of Oxford, who was Tutor to the faid
King, as well he might bee, and that no argu-
ment his fonne fhould be fo well improou'd as
he is.

Carnead. The lafl of them is Chute, to whome
hee thus dilateth. Be thou Anthonie the flowing
Oratour, like Doue, and the ikilfull Herald, like
Clarencius ; and euer remember thy Portugall
Voyage vnder Don Anthonio.

Re/fond. Chute, is hee fuch a high Clearke in
hys Bookes ? I knew when hee was but a low
Clarke, and carried an Atturnies bookes after him.
But this I will fay for him, though hee bee dead
and rotten, and by his obfequies hath preuented

158 HAUE WITH YOU

the vengeaunce I meant to haue executed vpon
him ; of a youth that could not vnderftand a word
of Latine, hee lou'd lycoras, and drunke poflet
curd, the beft that euer put cuppe to mouth ; and
for his Oratorfhip, it was fuch, that I haue feene
him non plus in giuing the charge at the creating
of / a new Knight of 'Tobacco ; though, to make
amends fince, he hath kneaded and daub'd vp a
Commedie, called The Transformation of the King
of 'Trinidadoes two Daughters, Madame Panachea
and the Nymphe 'Tobacco : and to approue his
Heraldrie, fcutchend out the honourable Armes
of the fmoakie Societie. His voiage vnder Don
Anthonio was nothing fo great credit to him, as
a French Varlet of the chamber is ; nor did he
follow Anthonio neither, but was a Captaines Boye
that fcornd writing and reading, and helpt him to
fet downe his accounts, and fcore vp dead payes.
But this was our Graphiel Hagiels tricke of Wily
Beguily herein, that whereas he could get no man
of worth to crie Placet to his workes, or meeter it
in his commendation, thofe worthleffe Whippets
and lack Strawes hee could get, he would feeme
to enable and compare with the higheft. Hereby
hee thought to connycatch the fimple world, and
make them beleeue, that thefe and thefe great
men, euerie waye futable to Syr Thomas Bajkeruile,
Matter Bodley, Dodtor Androwes, Do6tor Doue,

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 159

Clarencius and Mafter Sfencer, had feperately
contended to outftrip Pindarus in his Olympicis,
and fty aloft to the higheft pitch, to ftellifie him
aboue the cloudes, and make him fhine next to
Mercury. Here fome little digreffion I muft
borrow, to reuenge his bafe allufion of Sir
Thomas Bajkeruile, eifen as I haue done of Dodor
Androwes ; neither of them being men that euer
faluted mee, or I reft bound vnto in anie thing,
otherwife than by Dodor Androwes own defert,
and Mafter Lillies immoderate commending him,
by little and little I was drawne on to bee an
auditor of his : fince when, whenfoeuer I heard
him, I thought / it was but hard and fcant
allowance that was giu'n him, in comparifon of
the incomparable gifts that were in him. For
Sir Thomas Bajkeruile, France, England, the Low
Countries, & India, acknowledgeth him ; and
though it was neuer my hap, but once in a young
Knights Chamber in the Strand (none of my
coldeft well-wiftiers) to light in his companie, yet
for Syr Roger Williams teftimonie of him (a noble
Gentleman that a yeare and a halfe before his
death, I was exceffiuely beholding too, & on whom
I haue vowd, when my bufines are a little ouer-
come, to beftow a memoriall Epitaph, fuch as
Plato would in no more but foure verfes to bee
fet vpon the graues of the dead) downe his throate

i6o HAUE WITH YOU

I will thruft this turn-broach comparifon of a
chicken and a chrifome with one of the moft tryed
Souldiours of Chriftendome. Doftor Done and
Clarencius I turne loofe to bee their owne Arbitra-
tours and Aduocates ; the one being eloquent
inough to defend himfelfe, and the other a Vice roy
& next Heyre apparant to the King of Heralds,
able to emblazon him in his right colours, if hee
finde hee hath fuftained any lofTe by him : as alfo,
in like fort, Mafter Spencer, whom I doo not thruft
in the loweft place, becaufe I make the loweft
valuation of, but as wee vfe to fet the Summ tof
alway vnderneath, or at the bottome, he being
the Jum tof of whatfoeuer can be faid of fliarpe
inuention and fchoUerfhip.

Confil. Of the Do^or it may be /aid, as Ouid
Jayth of the Scritch owle.

Aliifque (dolens) fit caufa dolendi.

Hee cannot bee content to bee mijerable himfelfe, but
hee muji draw others to mijcarrie with him. And
as Plato had / his beft beloued Boy Agatho, Socrates
his Alcibiades, Virgill his Alexis ; Jo hath hee his
Barnabe and Anthony for his minions and Jweet-
harts : though therein I muji needes tell him (as
Fabritius the Romane Confull writ to Pirrhus when
hejent him back his Thifition that offred to poyfon
him) hee hath made as ill choyce of frends as of

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. i6i

enemies ; feeking, like the Panther, to cure himklfe
with mans dung, and with the verie excrements of
the rubbijheft wits that are, to reftore himjelfe to
his bloud, and repaire his credit and eftimation.

Bentiv. If his Patrons bee fuch Peter Pingles
and Moundragons, hee cannot chufe but bee fixtie
times a more poore Slauonian arfe-worme.

Refpond. Tender itchie brainde infants, they car'd
not what they did, fo they might come in print :
and of that ftraine are a number of muflirumpes
more, who pefter the World with Pamphlets
before they haue heard of Terence Pamphilus, & can
conftrue & pearfe Proh Dii immortales; being
like thofe barbarous People in the hot Countries,
who, when they haue bread to make, doo no more
but clap the dowe vpon a poaft on the out-fide of
their houfes, and there leaue it to the Sunne to
bake ; fo their indigefbed conceipts (farre rawer
than anie dowe) at all aduentures vpon the poaftes
they clap, pluck them off who's will : and if (like
the Sunne) anie man of iudgement (though in
fcorne) do but looke vpon them, they thinke they
haue ftrooke it dead, and made as good a batch of
Poetrie as may be. Neither of thefe princockefles
(Barnes or Chute) once caft vp their nofes towards
Powles Church-yard, or fo much as knew how to
knock at a Printing houfe dore, till they conforted
themfelues with Haruey, who infedled / them

N. III. I I

1 62 HAVE WITH YOU

within one fortnight with his owne fpirit of
Bragganifme : which after fo increafed and multi-
plied in them, as no man was able to endure them.
The firft of them (which is Barnes) prefently vppon
it, becaufe hee would bee noted, getting him a
ftrange payre of Babilonian britches, with a cod-
pifle as big as a Bologntan fawcedge, and fo went
vp and downe Towne, and fhewd himfelfe in the
Prefence at Court, where he was generally laught
out by the Noble-men and Ladies : and the other
(which is Chute) becaufe Haruey had praifed him
for his Oratorihip & Heraldry, to approue himfelfe
no lefle than hee had giu'n his word for him., fets
his mouth of a new key, and would come foorth
with fuch Kenimnawo compt metaphors and phrafes,
that Edge was but a botcher to him ; and to em-
blazon his Heraldrie, he painted himfelf like a
Curtizan, which no ftationers boy in Fouler
Church-yard but difcouered and pointed at. One
of the beft Articles againft Barnes I haue ouer-
flipt, which is, that he is in print for a braggart in
that vniuerfall applauded Latine poem ot mafter
Campions ; where, in an Epigram entituled In
Barnum, beginning thus,

Mortales decern tela inter Gallica cajos,

he fhewes how hee bragd, when he was in France^
he flue ten men, when (fearfull cowbaby) he

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 163

neuer heard peice fhot ofF but hee fell flat on his
face. To this effed it is, though the words fotn-
what varie.

Carnead. AUoune, alloune, let vs march, and
from armes and Jkirmijhing, caft thy Jelfe in the
armes of a fweete Gentlewoman, that here, at the
end of the Epifile, fiands readie to embrace thee.
Gabriell calls her the excellent Gentlewoman, his
patronejfe, or rather championejfe, j in this quarrell,
meeter by nature, and fitter by nurture, to bee
an inchaunting Angell with a white quill, than
a tormenting furie with her blacke incke.

Refpond. What, is he like a Tinker, that neuer
trauailes without his wench and his dogge ? or
like a Germane, that neuer goes to the warres
without his Tannakin and her Cocke on her
fhoulder ? That Gentlewoman (if fhe come vnder
my fifts) I will make a gentle-woman, as Doftor
Perm faid of his mans wife,

'Tunc plena voluptas.
Cum pariter viSti fcemina virq. iacent.

Then it is fport worth the feeing, when he and
his woman lye crouching for mercie vnder my
feete. I will beftow more coft in belabouring
her, becaufe, throughout the whole pawnch of
his booke, hee is as infinite in commending her,
as Saint lerome in praife of Virginitie ; and

1 64 HAVE WITH YOU

oftener mentions her, than Virgill & Theocritus
Amarillis. In one place he calls her the one Jhee,
in another the credible Gentlewoman, in a third
the heauenh plant, in the fourth a new ftarre in
CaJJiopeia, in the fifth the heauenly creature, in
the fixth a Lion in the field of Minerua, in the
feuenth a right Bird of Mercuries winged chariot,
with a hundred fuch like : he faith, fhee hath read
Homer, Virgill, the diuine Architipes of Hebrue,
Greeke, and Romane valour, Plutarch, Polien,
Agrippa, Tyraquell.

Bentiv. / haue found him, I haue the traSt of
him : hee thinkes in his owne per/on if hee fhould
raile grofely, it will bee a difcredit to him, and
therefore hereafter hee would thruft foorth all his
writings vnder the name of a Gentlewoman ; who,
howfoeuer fhee fcolds and playes the vixen neuer
Jo, wilbe borne with : and to preuent that he bee /
not dejcride by his alleadging of Authors (which it
will hardly bee thought can proceed from a woman)
hee cafis forth this Item, that fhe hath read theje
and th'eje books, and is well Jeene in all languages.

Confil. Shall we haue a Hare of him then?
a male one yeare, and a female another : or as
Pliny holds there is male and female of all things
vnder heauen, and not Jo much but as of trees and
precious ftoanes ; Jo cannot there be a male Confuter,
but there muji be a female confuter too ; a Simon

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 165

Magus, but hee mujl haue his whoore Silenes ; an
Ariftotle that Jacrificed to his harlot Hermia, but
euerie Silius Poeta muji imitate him ? Doth he,
when his owne wits faile, crie Da Venus con-
filium ? Holy Saint Venus infpire mee ? But as
Bentiuole hath wel put in, Pars minima eft ipfa
puella fui. / beleeue it is but a meere coppy of
his countenaunce, and onely hee does it to breed
an opinion in the world, that he is Juch a great
man in Ladies and Gentlewomens bookes, that
they are readie to run out of their wits for him,
as in the Turkes Alchoron it is written, that 250
Ladies hanged themfelues for the hue of Mahomet,
and that, like another Numa Pompilius, he doth
nothing without his Nymph Egeria.

Imp. Nay, if lupiter ioynd with the Moone
(Haruey and his Gentlewoman') conjpire againji
thee, y that, like another Meffier Gallan, the
hangman of Antwerp, he hath a whole Burdeil
vnder his gouernement, it cannot chufe but goe
hard with thee. She will fay, as the Italian
Lady did. Kill my children as long as thou wilt,
here is the mould to make more.

Confil. We read that Semiramjs" was in hue
with a Horfe, but for a Gentlewoman to bee in
hue with an AJJe / is fuch a tricke as neuer was.

Refpond. It would doo you good to heare
how he gallops on in commending her : hee

1 66 HAVE WITH YOU

fayes fliee enuies none, but art in perfon and
vertue incorporate, and that fhe is a Sappho, a
Penelope, a Minerua, an Arachne, a /a«o, yeelding
to all that vfe her and hers well, that fhe ftands
vpon mafculine and not feminine termes, & her
hoateft fury may be refembled to the pafling
of a braue Careere by a Pegajus, and wiflieth
hartily that he could difpofe of her recreations.

Carnead. Call for a Beadle and haue him away
to Bridewell, for in euery Jillable he commits
letchery.

Re/p. He threats fhee will ftrip my wit into
his fhirt, were that fayre body of the fweeteft
Venus in print, & that it will then appeare, as in
a cleare vrinall, whofe wit hath the greene ficknes.

Bent. If fhe ftrip thee to thy fhirt, if I were
as thee, 1 wold ftrip her to her Jmocke.

Carnead. That were to put that fay reft body
of Venus in Print, indeede, with a witnes, and
then fhee neuer need to haue her water caft in an
vrinall for the greene ficknes.

Refpond, She may be Queene Didoes peere for
honeftie, for anie dealings I euer yet had with
her ; but anie Gentlewomans name put in his
mouth, it is of more force to difcredite it than
Licophrons penne was to difcredite Penelope, who,
notwithftanding Homers praifes of her, faith fhee
lay with all her wooers.

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 167

Confil. Whether Jhee be honeji or no, he hath
done enough to make her dijhoneft, Jince as Ouid
writes to a Leno, Vendibilis culpa fadta puella
fua eft, he hath Jet her commonly to f ale in Poules
Church-yard.

Import. / Let vs on with our Index or Cata-
logue, and defcant no more of her, Jince I am of
the minde that, for all the Jtormes & tempejts
Haruey from her denounceth, there is no Juch
woman, but tis onely a FiSfion of his, like Menan-
ders Fable or Comedie, cald Theffala, of women
that could pluck back the Moone when they lified ;
or Ennius inuention of Dido, who, writing of the
deedes of Scipio, JirJi gaue life to that Legend.
'The Efijlle Dedicatorie paji, the Gentlewomans
demurre, or Prologue, fiaggers next after, the fir Ji
line whereof is Jiolne out of the Ballet of Anne
Afkew ; for as that begins,

I am a woman poore and blinde,

Jo begins this,

O Mufes,' may a woman poore and blinde,

and goes on,

Ift poffible for puling wench to tame
The furibundall champion of fame }

Bids thee hazard not panting quill thy afpen
felfe, calls thee bombard-goblin, and moft raili-

1 68 HAUE WITH YOU

potent for euerie raine ; then followeth Jhee with
a counter Sonnet, or correStion of her owne pre-
amble, where there is nothing but braggardous
affronts, white liuerd tronts, where doth the
vranie or furie ring, pulcrow implements, Danters
fear-crow Preffe ; and endes with, Vltrix accindta
flagello.

Re/pond. Yea, Madam Gabriela, are you fuch
an old ierker? then, Hey ding a ding, vp with
your petticoate, haue at your plum-tree : but the
ftyle bewraies it, that no other is this good-
wife Megara but Gabriel himfelf ; fo doth the
counter-fonnet and the corredtion of preambles,
which is his methode as right as a fiddle. I will
neuer open my lips to confute anye rag of it, it
confuting / it felfe fufficiently in the verie rehearfall.
And fo doth that which is annexed to it, of her
olde Comedie new intituled, where fhe faith her
proje is as rejolute as ^&u\%Jword, calls mee rampant
beaft in formidable hide, with I wot not what other
Getulian flabberies ; fcarre-bugges mee with a
Comedie which fhee hath fcrawld and fcribeld
vp againft mee. But wee fhall lenuoy him, and
trumpe and poope him well enough if the winde
come in that doore, and he will needes fall a
Comedizing it. Comedie vpon Comedie he fhall
haue, a Moral!, a Hiftorie, a Tragedie, or what
hee will. One fhal bee called 'The Doctors dumpe.

TO SAFFRON- TVALDEN. 169

another, Haruey and his excellent Gentlewoman,
Madame Whipfidoxy, a third. The triumphes of
Safron-walden, with the merrie conceipts of Wee
three, or, The three Brothers ; a fourth, Stoope
Gallant, or The Fall of Pride ; the fifth and laft,
Apleafant Enterlude of No Foole to the old Foole,
with a ligge at the latter ende in Englifh Hexa-
meters of, O neighbour Gabriell, and, his wooing
of Kate Cotton. More than half of one of thefe
I haue done alreadie, and in Candlemas Tearme
you ilial fee it a6ted, though better aded than hee
hath been at Cambridge, hee can neuer bee ; where
vpon euerie ftage hee hath beene brought for a
Sicophant and a Sow-gelder.

Bent. Wilt thou haue nere a plucke at him for
Dantdrs fear-crow prefTe, andfo abufing thy Printer?

Refp. In pudding time you haue fpoken : my
Printer, who euer, fhall fuftain no damage by me :
& where hee tearmeth his PrefTe a Scar-crow Prejfe,
he fhall find it will /care £5? crow ouer the befl
PrefTe in London, that fhall Print a Reply to This.
Hee that dares moft, let him trie it (as none
will trie it that hath a care to Hue by / his trade,
not a hundred of anie ImprefTion of the Dodiors
bookes euer felling). My Printers Wife too, hee
hath had a twitch at in two or three places about
the midft of his booke, and makes a maulkin & a
fhoo-clout of her, talkes of her moody tung, and

170 HAVE WITH YOU

that /he wil teach the fiorme winde tojcolde Englijh;
but let him looke to himfelfe, for though in all the
time I haue lyne in her Houfe, and as long as I
haue knowen her, I neuer faw anie fuch thing by
her ; yet fince hee hath giu'n her fo good a caufe
to finde her tung, and fo vniuftly & defpitefully
prouokt her, fliee will tell him fuch a tale in his
eare, the next time fhee meetes him, as fhall bee
worfe than a Northern blaft to him, and haue a
hand- full of his beard (if hee defend not himfelfe
the better) for a maulkin, or wifpe, to wype her
fhooes with.

Import. The Gentlewoman hauing taken her
Lenuoy or farewell, Barnabe Barnes fieps in with.
An Epiftle to the right Worfhipfull his efpeciall
deare Frend, M. Gabriell Haruey, Dodtor of the
Law.

Rejpo. It were no booke elfe, if one or other
were not drawne in to call him Right War Jhif full :
& when hee hath no bodie to help him, he gets
one of his Brothers to Epiftle it to him, or, in
their abfence, faines an Epiftle in their names,
where his ftile to the ful fhalbe fet in great letters,
like a Bill for a houfe to be let : and vppon
paine of excommunication, with bell book &
candle, none of his Brothers muft publifti anie
thing, but to his Dottrel-fhip they muft frame the
like dedication.

TO SAPFRON-WALDEN. 171

Import. 'Ths tenure of that fcrimpum fcrampum
of Barnefes is no more but this, to exhort the Jweet
DoSior (as hee names him) to confound thofe viperous
criticall monfters, wheretoo hee is manifeftly vrged ;
though he bee fitter j to encounter fame more delicate
Paranymphes, and honour the Vrany of Du Bartas.
Hee hath a Sonet with it, wherein hee inuokes and
coniures vp all Romes learned Orators, fweete
Grecian Prophets, Philojophers, wifefi States-men,
reuerend generall Councells, all in one, to behold
the Dodors ennobled Arts, as precious ftones in
gold. At the foote of that (like a right Pupill of
the Doctors bringing vp) hee inferteth his pofifcript
or correSlion of his Preamble, with a Count er-fonnet,
fuperfcribed Nafh, or the confuting Gentleman. In
which he befmeares and reuiles thee with all the
cutpurfe names that is pojjible, and f ayes hee cannot
bethinke him of names ill enough, ftnce thou raylefi
at one, whome Bodine £5? Sidney did not flatter.

Refpond. No more will I flatter him ; hee may
build vpon it. Thus it is : there was fometimes
fome prety expectation of this Patter-wallet &
Megiddo, that now I am a faking and poudring
of; and then Sir Philip Sidney (as he was a
naturall cheriftier of men of the leaft towardnes
in anie Arte whatfoeuer) held him in fome good
regard, and fo did mofl: men ; & (it may be)
fome kinde letters hee writ to him, to encourage

172 HA UE WITH YOU

and animate him in thofe his hopefull courfes he
was entred into: but afterward, when his ambitious
pride and vanitie vnmafkt it felfe fo egregioufly,
both in his lookes, his gate, his geftures, and
fpeaches, and hee would do nothing but crake
and parret it in Print, in how manie Noble-mens
fauours hee was, and blab euerie Hght fpeach they
vttred to him in priuate, cockering & coying
himfelfe beyond imagination ; then Sir Philip
Sidney (by little and little.) began to looke afkance
on him, and not to care for him, though vtterly
ftiake him ofF hee / could not, hee would fo fawne
& hang vpon him. For M. .Bodines commenda-
tion of him, it is no more but this, one cople-
mentarie Letter afketh another ; & Gabriell firft
writing to him, and feeming to admire him and
his workes, hee could doo no lefle in humanitie
(beeing a Scholler) but returne him an anfwere in
the like nature. But my yong Mafter Barnabe the
bright, and his kindnes (before anie defert at all of
mine towards him might plucke it on or prouoke
it) I neither haue, nor will bee vnmindfuU of.

Import. Here is another Sonet of his, which hee
cals Haruey, or The Sweete Do6tour, confifting of
Sidney, Bodine, Hatcher, Lewen, Wilfon, Spencer;
that all their life time haue done nothing hut conjpire
to lawd and honour Poet Gabriell.

Rejfond. Mijerum eft fuijfe fcelicem. It is a

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 173

miferable thing for a man to be faid to haue had
frends, and now to haue nere a one left.

Import. What faiji thou to the Printers Aduer-
tifement to the Gentleman Reader ?

Re/pond. I fay, ware you breake not your fhins
in the third line on preambles and pojiambles ;
and that it is not the Printers, but Harueys.

Imp. In it he makes mention of Thorius £f?
Chutes Janets to bee added, prefixed, injerted or
annexed at the latter ende.

Rejpond. The latter end? but the beginning
of the tyde, it may bee, for the flowing.

Import. As aljo a third, learned French Gentle-
mans verjes, Monfieur Fregevile Gautius, who, both
in French and Latine, hath publijht Jome weightie
"Treatijes.

Re/pond. Were they weightie Treatifes .'' the
Printers / purfe neuer fo ; but in this refped:
they might bee tearmd to be weightie, that they
were fo heauie, they would nere come out of
Poules Church-yard. I will haue a found lift
at him anone, for all his Mathematical deuices
of his owne inuention, wherewith hee hath ac-
quainted Ma. Dodtour Haruey, nothing fo good
as a knife with prickles in the haft, or thefe
Boyes paper-dragons that they let fly with a
pack-thrid in the fields.

Import. His booke.

174 HAVE WITH YOU

Re/fond. Hand off, there is none but I will
haue the vncJafping of that, becaufe I can doo
it nimbleft. It is deuided into foure parts ; one
againft mee, the fecond againft M. Lilly, the
third againft Martinifis, the fourth againft D.
Perne. Neither are thefe parts feuerally dis-
tinguifhed in his order of handHng, but, like a
Dutch ftewd-pot, iumbled altogether, and linfey-
wolfey wouen one within another. But one of
thefe parts falleth to my ftiare, I being bound
to anfwer for none but my felfe ; yet if I fpeake
a good word now & then for my frends by the
way, they haue the more to thanke mee for.

Incipit Caput primum.

/ was neuer vnwilling to vndertake anie thing, ^c.

You ly, you ly, Gabriell, I know what you are
about to faye, but He ftired you off three leaues
at one blowe. You were moft willing to vnder-
take this controuerfy, for els you would neuer
haue firft begun it ; you wold neuer haue lyne
writing againft mee here in London, in the verie
hart of the Plague, a whole Summer ; or after
(through your Frends intreatie) we were recon-
cilde, popt out your Booke againft me. Now
fay what you will of being vrgd, loojing of time,
impudencie and Jlander, / & another Table Philo-

2V SAFFRON-WALDEN. i75

Jophie that ye fancy ; for there is not a dog
vnder the table that will beleeue you.

Sa ho : hath Afuleius euer an Atturney here ?
One Apuleius (by the name of Afuleius) he
endites to be an engrofler of arts and inuentions,
putting downe Plato, Hippocrates, Arijiotle, and
the Paragraphs of lujiinian. Nan eft inuentus :
there's no fuch man to be found ; let them that
haue the Coramiffion for the Cocealments looke
after it, or the Man in the Moone put for it.
Gabriell cafts a vile learing eye at me, as who
fhould faye, he quipt me fecretly vnder it, if
he durft vtter fo much. Alfo, in that which
fucceedeth of One that is a common contemner of
God and man, ftampes and treades vnder his foote
the reuereneft old and new Writers, oppojeth him-
Jelfe againft Vniuerftties, Parliaments, and generall
Councells, enclojeth all within his owne braine,
and is a changer, an innouater, a cony-catcher, a
rimer, a rayler, that out-faceth heauen and earth.
But foft you now, how is all this or anie part
of this to bee prou'd? make account he will
(vpon his oath) denie it. Hath he Ipoken,
printed, written,- contriued, or imagined, or caufed
to bee fpoken, written, printed, contriued, or
imagined anie thing againft thefe.'' or expreft in
his countenaunce the leaft wincke of diflike of
them .'' Let fome inftance of that be produced.

176 HA UE WITH YOU

and he be not able to refute it ; He vndertake
for him (which is the moft ignominious impo-
fition he can tie himfelfe to) he fhall giue thee
his tung for a rag to wype thy taile with, and
haue his right hand cut off for thy mother to
hang out for an ale houfe figne. Cannot a man
declaime againft a Catalonian and a Hethite, a
Moabite Gabriell, and an Amorite Dicke, but all
the ancient Fathers, all the renoumed / Philofo-
phers, Oratours, Poets, Hiftoriographers, and old
& new excellent Writers mufh bee difparaged
and trode vnder foote, God and man contemned
and fet at nought ? Vniuerfities, Parliaments,
generall Councells oppugned ? and he muft be
another Romane Palemon, who vaunted all
Science began and ended with him ? a changer, an
innouater, a cony-catcher, a railer, an out-facer
of heauen and earth.

Is there fuch high treafon comprehended vnder
calling a foppe a foppe, & cudgelling a curre
for his fnarling ? Or is it thus, our iracundious
Stramutzen Gabriell, ftanding much vpon his
reading, and that all the Libraries of the auncient
Fathers, renowmed Philofophers, Poets, Orators,
Hiftoriographers, and olde and new excellent
Writers, are hoorded vp in the Amalthceas Home
of his braine, with whatfoeuer Conftitutions and
Decretalls of generall Councells and Parliaments ?

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 177

and for he hath commenft in both Vniuerfities,
therefore he concludes, He which writes againft
him muft write againft them all, & fo {^er conje-
quens) vaunt him aboue all ; and if he vaunts
him aboue them all, he is a changer, an innouater,
an imfojior, a railer at all, &? confounds heauen
and earth. This is the tydieft Argument he can
frame to make his matter good, though it fol-
lowes no more, than that a man fhould bee
helde a traitor, and accufed to haue abufde the
Queene and Counfaile, and the whole State, for
calling a fellowe knaue that hath read the Booke
of Statutes, fince by them all in generall they
were made.

Carn. Thou art vnwije to canuaze it Jo much,
for hee thrufi it in hut for a Rhetoricall figure
of amplification.

Rejpond. Rhetoricall figure? and if I had a
hundred fonnes, / 1 had rather haue them dis-
figur'd, & keep them at home as cyphers, than
fend them to fchoole to learn to figure it after
that order.

Carnead. Tou may haue them worje brought vp,
for Jo you fhould he fur e neuer to haue them counted
lyers, fince Rhetoricians, though they lye neuer Jo
grojely, are hut Jaid to haue a luxurious phraje,
to hee eloquent amplifiers, to hee full of their plea-
Jant Hyperholes, orjpeake by Ironies ; and if they

N. III. 12

178 HAUE WITH YOU

raife a Jlaunder vpon a man of a thing done at
home, when hee is a looo. mile off, it is hut Profo-
popeya, perfons fidio, the Jupfoftng or faining of
a perjon : and they will alledge Tully, Demos-
thenes, Demades, Aefchines, and fhew you a whole
Talaeus &? Ad Herennium of figures for it, foure
and fiftie times more licentious. Thefe Arith-
metique figures are fuch, like iugling transformers,
lying by Addition and Numeration, making frayes
and quarrelling by Diuifion, getting wenches with
childe by Multiplication, Jiealing by Subftra£tion ;
and if in thefe humors they haue conjumd all, and
are faine to breake, they doo it by FraStion.

Refpond. That laft part of Arithmetique (which
is Fradtion, or breaking,) I intend to teach Gabriel;
thogh to all the other, as Addition, Deuifion,
Rebating, or Subftraftion, of his owne ingrafted
difpofition hee is apt inough ; and fo hee is to
Multiplication too, hee hauing, fince I parted with
him laft, got him a Gentlewoman.

Bentiv. Both thou and hee talke much of that

Gentlewoman, but I would we might know her, and

fee her vnbufkt and naked once, as Paris, in Lucians

Dialogues, deftres Mercury hee might fee the three

goddejfes naked, that flroue for the golden Ball.

Carnead. / ^he Venus fhee is that would win it
from them all, if the controuerfte were now afloate
againe : and, which thou pretermittedfi before, hee

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 179

puts her in print for a Venus, jy^^ defires to fee her
a Venus in print ; publijheth her for a ftrumpet (for
no better was Venus) and yet he would haue her a
ftrumpet more publique.

Refpond. By that name had hee not fo publiftit
her, yet his peacocke-pluming her like another
Pandora, (from Poets too paraiiticall commending
of whome firft grew the jiame of Pandare, though
Sir Philip Sidney fetcheth it out of Plautus) through
his incredible praifing of her, I fay, (wherein one
quarter of his Book is fpent, ) he hath brought all
the world into a perfwafion, that fliee is as common
as Rubarbe among Phifitions ; fince (as Thucidides
pronounceth) fhee is the honeftefl: woman, of whofe
praife, or difpraife, is leafl: fpoken. My pen, he
prodigally infulteth, ihee fhall pumpe to as drie a
fpunge as anie is in Hofier Lane, and wring our
braines like emptie purfes. Idem per idem in fenfe
he fpeakes, though it be not his comparifon, and,'
Tamburlain-Yikt, hee braues it indefinently in her
behalfe, fetting vp bills, like a Bear-ward or
Fencer, what fights we fhall haue, and what
weapons fhe will meete me at.

Con. Fafilia, the daughter of Pelagius, King of
Spain, was torne in peices by a Beare ; ^ fo I hope
thou wilt tear her and tug with her, if fhe begin
once to playe the Deuill of Dowgate : but as there
was a woman in Roome, that had her childe flaine

i8o HA UE WITH YOU

with thunder and lightning in her wombe ere Jhe
was deliuerd, Jo it is like inough hers will bee, and
proue an Embrion, and we Jhall neuer Jee it : or if
wee doo, looke for another armed Pallas ijfuing out of
loues braine, or an Amazonian Hippolite, that will
bee good / inough for Thefeus ; or the female of the
Afpis, who (if her mate be kild by any fajfenger in
the way) thorough fire, thorough the thickeft ajfembly
Jhe will furjue him, or aniething but water.

Bentiv. In Jome Countreys no woman is Jo honor-
able as Jhe that hath had to doo with moft men, and
can giue the lujiieji Jiriker oddes by 25 times in
one night, as MefTalina did ; and Jo it is with this
his bratche, or bitch-foxe.

Confil. Agelaftus, Grandfather to Craflus, neuer
laught but once in his life, and that was to Jee a
mare eate thiftles ; Jo this will be a ieji to make
one laugh that lyes a dying, to Jee a Gillian draggell
taile run her taile into a bujhe of thornes, becaiife her
nailes are not long inough to Jcratch it, and flay at
wajiers with a quil for the britches.

Carm. Multi ilium iuuenes multas petiere pueUs,
Boyes, wenches, and euerie one purjue him for his
beauty.

Non caret efFeftu, quod voluere duo.

Thou canft: neuer hold out, if thou wert Hercules, if
two to one encounter thee.

TO SAFFRON-WALDBN. i8i

Rejfo. Qjiis nifi mentis imps tenera declamat
arnica. Who but an Ingram cofTet would keepe
fuch a courting of a Curtezan, to haue her combat
for him ; or doo as T)ick Barmy did, (which in-
formation piping hot in the midft of this line was
but brought to mee) that, hauing preacht and beat
downe three pulpits in inueighing againft dauncing ;
one Sunday euening, when hys Wench, or Friikin,
was footing it aloft on the Greene, with foote out
and foote in, and as bufie as might be at Rogero^
Baftlino, T'urkelony, All the flowers of the broom.
Pepper is black, Greene fleeues, Peggie Ram/ay, he
came fneaking behinde a tree and lookt on, and
though hee was loth to be feene to countenance
the Iport, hauing laid / Gods word againft it fo
dreadfully, yet to ftiew his good- will to it in hart,
hee fent her 1 8. pence, in hugger mugger, to pay
the fiddlers : let it fink into ye, for it is true &
will be verefide. Let Gabriel verefie anie one thing
fo againft mee, and not thinke to carrie it away
with hys generall extenuatings, ironicall amplifica-
tions, and declamatori'e exclamations. Nor let him
muckehill vp fo manie pages in faying he lookt for
termes of aqua fortis, and gunpowder, and that /
haue thundred and giu'n out tragically, when nought
appeares but the fword of cats-meate, and the fire-
brand of dogs-meate, and, Aut nunc aut nunquam,
and two ftaues and a pike : but let him Ihew what

182 HAUE WITH YOU

part of that his firft Booke I haue hot, from the
crowne to the httle toe, confuted, and laid as open
as a cuftard, or a cowfheard ; and if my Booke
bee cats-meate and dogs-meate, his is much worfe,
fince on hys mine hath his whole foundation and
dependance, and I doo but paraphrafe vpon his
text. Something that he grounds this cats-meate
and dogs-meate on, I will not with-ftand but I
haue lent him ; as in ray Epiftle to Apis lapis,
where I wifh him to let Chaucer be new fcowrd
againji the day of battaile, and Terence but come in
now and then with the Jnuffe of a fentence and
Dicftum puta, wee I Jirike it as dead as a doore-
naiUy Haud teruntii eftimo, we haue cats-meate &f
dogs-meate inough for thefe mungrels. Hence, as
if I had continually harpt vppon it, in euerie
tenth line of my Book he faith, I do nothing
but aflaile him with cats-meat fff dogs-meat, when
there is not anie more fpoken of it than I haue
fhewd you. So, Aut nunc aut nunquam he brings
in for a murdring fhot, beeing neuer my pofie,
but, Aut nunquam tentes, aut perfice, at the latter
end of my Foure Letters ; fpea / king to him,
that he fhuld not go about to anfwere me, except
he fet it foundly on ; for otherwife, with a found
counterbuiFe I would make his eares ring againe,
and haue at him with two ftaues & a pike,
which was a kinde of old verfe, in requeft before

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 183

he fell a rayling at 'turbervile or Elder ton. Some
Licojihenes reading (which fhowes plodding & no
wit) he hath giu'n a twinckling glimps of, & like
a fchool-boy faid ouer his gear to his vnckles &
kinsfolk, and tels what Authours he hath read,
when he floted in the fea of encounters ; which,
for ought he hath alleadgd out of them, he may
haue ftolne by the whole fale out of Afcanius,
or Andrew Maunjells Englilh Catalogue. No
villaine, no Atheift, no murdrer, no traitor, no
Sodomite, hee euer read of but he hath likend
mee too, or in a fuperlatiue degree made me a
monfter beyond him, for no other reafon in the
earth, but becaufe I would not let him go beyond
me, or be won to put my finger in my mouth,
& crie mumbudget, when he had bafFuld mee
in print throughout England. The vidlorioufb
Captaines and Warriours, the inuincibleft Cxjars
and Conquerours, the fatyricalleft confuters, and
Luthers (like whom the Germanes affirme neuer
anie in their tung writ fo forcible) in an Alphabet
he trowles vp, and fayes I out-ftrip them all, I
fet them all too fchoole. The quorjum, or quare,
if you demaund, is this, I haue outftript and fet
him to fchoole, and he is fure he is a better man
than anie of them. The verie guts and garbage
of his Note-book he hath put into this tallow
loafe, & not left anie Frezeland, Dutch, or Almain

1 84 HAUE WITH YOU

fcribe (where they Commence, and doo their
Aftes, with writing Bookes) that hath but fquibd
foorth a Latin Puerilis in Print, or fet/his name
to a Catechifme, vncopared or vnfcoard. A true
Pellican he is, that peirceth his breaft & lets
out all his bowels to giue life to his yong. No
Author but himfelfe and Na/he hereafter he can
cyte, which hee hath not ftellified worfe than
Sapies dominabitur aftris, the ordinarie Pofie for
all Almanackes, or the prefenting of Artaxerxes
with a cup of water, vfde in euerie Epiftle
Dedicatorie ; and thofe two hee hath wrought
reafonably vpon, hauing worne the firft (which is
himfelfe) naplefle, & the other owes him nothing.
Againft blafphemous Seruetus, or Muretus, or
Sunius, that haue been fo bold with her Maieftie
and this State, was thys Inuedliue of his firft
armd and aduanced ; which (vppon the miffing
his preferment, or aduauncement, in Court) he
fuppreft, and in the bottom of a ruftie hamper
let it lye afleepe by him (euen as he did the
Aduertifement againft Paphatchet & Martin, which
he hath yoakt with it, by his own date, euer
fince 89.) and now, with putting in new names
here and there of Najhe & Piers Pennile(fe, he
hath fo pannyerd and dreft it that it feemes a new
thing, though there be no new thing in it that
claimes anie kindred of mee, more than a dozen

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 185

of famifht quips, but like a lofe French caflbck,
or gabberdine, would fit any man. Thofe more
appropriate blowes ouer the thumbe are thefe.
My fraifing of Aretine ; fo did he before me,
the verie words whereof I haue fet downe in my
other Booke : my excepting againft his DoStor/hip ;
better Doftors than euer he wil be put it in
my head, and if therein I mifreport, I erre by
authoritie. My calling him a fawne-guefi mejjenger
betwixt M. Bird and M. Demetrius, in the companie
of one of which he neuer dindnorjupt this 6 yeres ;
i^ for the I other he neuer drunke with to this day :
he may be a fawn-gueft in his intent neuertheles,
and if he neither eate nor drunck at M. Demetrius,
why did he fo familiarly write to him, M. Deme-
trius in your ahfence I found your wife verie curteous?
For a great treipafle he layes it to me, in that
/ haue praijed her Maiefiies affabilitie towards
J\c'\hoUers, and attributed to Noble-men Jo much
pollicy l£ wijdome as to haue a priuy watch word
in their praifes, and cr offing his fleight opinion of
Inueifiues and Satyres. Like Sophifticall Dis-
puters that onely rehearfe, not anfwere, he runs
on telling how / haue father d on him a new part
of Tully, which he fetcht out of a wall at Barnwell
euen as Poggius in an old Monafierie found out a
new Tart of Quintillian, after it had bin manie
hundred yeres loft; my taking vpon me to be

186 HAUE WITH YOU

Greenes aduocate, my threatning Jo incejfantly to
haunt the Ciuilian and the Deuine, that to amid the
hot chafe of my fierie quill, they fhall be confirained
to enjkonje themfelues in one of their Phifition
Brothers old urinall cafes ; my calling him butter-
whore, &f bidding him. Rip, rip, you kitchin-fiufte
wrangler ; my accujing him of carterly deriftons and
milk-maids girds, as. Good beare bite not, A man's
a man thogh he hath but a hoje on his head.
Pulchre mehercule diSlum, fapienter, laute, lepide,
nil fupra, nothing fo good as the lefts of the
Councell Table afle, Richard Clarke.

Carnead. Tes, that he doth more than rehearfe,
for he maintains them to be the Ironies of Socrates,
Ariftophanes, Epicharmus, Lucian, TuUy, Quin-
tillian, Sanazarius, K. Alphonfus, Cardan, Sir Th.
Moore, Ifocrates : looke the firfi 156 Rage of his
Booke, i£ ye fhal finde it Jo.

Bentiv. What, had they no better iefis than Good
beare bite not, or A man is a man though he hath
but a hofe / on his head : Pulchre mehercule
diftum ? O, difhonor to the houje from whence they

come

I

Rejp. Hee chargeth mee, to haue derided and
abujed the mofi valorous Mathematicall Arts; let
him fhewe mee wherein, and I will anfwere : of
palpable Atheijme he condemnes me, for drinking
a cup of lamb/wool to the health of his Brothers

TO SAFFKON-WALDEN. 187

Booh, cald The Lamb of God & his Enemies :
then, what Atheifts are they that turne it to waft
paper, and goe to the priuy with it? as to no
other vfes it is conuerted, it lying dead and neuer
feUing : and againe with the Atheift he fpurgals
mee, in that / iefied at heauen, calling it the hauen
where his deceafed Brother is arriued.

Carnead. Is it a ieft that his brother is arriu'd
in heauen ? he is in hell then belike.

Confil. A more likelier piece of Atheijme thou
maiji vrge againfi him, where he faith in one leafe
that one acre of performance is worth twentie of
the Land of Promife ; as though God had not per-
formd to the Children of Ifrael the Land of Promife
he vowd to them.

Rejp. The deepe cut out of my grammer Rules,
AJira petit difertus, he hits me with : I am forry
for it I flanderd him fo, for he was neuer eloquent ;
if he bee not aboue the ftarres, I would hee were.
Hee complaines I doo not regard M. Bird, M.
Spencer, . Mounfieur Bodin. In any thing but
in praifing him, and therin as Ariflotle non vidit
verum injpiritualibus, nor Barnard all things ; fo
they may haue theyr eyes dazeled. To a bead-
roll of learned men and Lords hee appeales,
whether he be an AJfe or no, in the forefront of
whom he puts M. 'Thomas Watjon, the Poet. A
man he was that I dearely lo'u'd and honor'd.

1 88 HAUE WITH YOU

and for all / things hath left few his equalls in
England : he it was that, in the company of diuers
Gentlemen one night at fupper at the Nags head
in Cheap ; first told me of his vanitie, and thofe
Hexameters made of him.

But what newes of that good Gabriell Haruey,
Knowne to the world for a foole and daft in the
Fleet for a Rimer ?

For the other graue men, they all fpeak as their
fore-man. His imprifonment in the Fleete, he
affirmes, is a lewd f up f of all (the Hexameter vearfe
before prooues it) as alfo his writing the welwillers
Epifile in praife of himfelfe, before his firft foure
Letters a yeare ago. The Compofitor that fet it,
fwore to mee it came vnder his owne hand to bee
printed. Hee bids the world examine the Preamble
before the Supplication to the Diuell, and fee if I
doo not praife my felfe, and that the tenour of the
flile, £s? identity of the phrafe proues it to- be mine.
He needed not go fo far about to fent m,e out by
vay fiile and my phrafe, for if he had euer ouer-
lookt it he would haue feene my name to it, and
befides, another argument that he neuer read it
is (which whofoeuer fhal perufe it wil finde) it is
altogether in my owne difpraife and difabling, and
grieuing at the imperfedt printing and mifinter-
preting of it : let -him fhewe mee but one tittle or

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 189

letter in it tending to any other drift. He vfbraides
me by the foore fellow my Fathers putting me to
my Jcribling Jhifts, and how I am beholding to the
Printing-houfe for my foore fhifts of apparaile :
My Father put more good meate in poore mens
mouthes, than all the ropes and lining is worth
his Father left him, together with his mother
and two brothers ; and (as another SchoUer) he
brought me vp at S. lohns, where (it / is well
knowen) I might haue been Fellow if I had
would : and for deriuing my maintenaunce from
the Printing-houfe, . fo doo both vniuerfities, and
whofoeuer they be that come vp by learning, out
of Printed Bookes gathering all they haue ; and
would not haue furre to put in their gownes, if
it, or writing were not. But if hee meane that
from writing to the Prefle, I fcrape vp my ex-
hibition, let him fcrape it out for a lye, till the
Impreffion of this Book, I hauing got nothing by
Printing thefe three yeres. But when I doo play
my prizes in Print, He be paid for my paines
that's once ; & not make my felfe a gazing ftocke
and a publique fpe6tacle to all the world for
nothing, as he does, that giues money to be
feene and haue his wit lookt vpon, neuer Printing
booke yet for whofe Impreffion he hath not either
paid or run in debt. Printers (aboue all the reft)
haue nothing to thanke him for, in his Praije of

igo HAVE WITH YOU

the AJfe, he putting in the Prejfe for the arranteft
Affe of all, becaufe it is fuch a meanes to preffe
him to death, and confound him. Banters PrefTe
fweares after three Forme a day, fince he hath
giuen it the prefTe and difgrac't them it will (how
euer others negled it) neuer haue

Printers bG3.t-

ing with inke done " beating vppon him " ; nor hath
it acquited him for calling me Danters
gentleman, who is as good at all times as Wolfes
right worfhiffull Gabriell, or the gentleman he
brings in reading a chapter (Colledge fafliion at
dinner time) againft Piers ^ his proceedings, and
the approbation of his DoSlerly reincounter. Ap-
plaud and partake with him who lift, this is my
definitiue pofition ; which Anaxandrides, a Comick
Poet, faid of the Aegyptian fuperftition, Maximam
- Anguillam, quam Deum putant, comedo ; canem quern-
colunt verbero : / they worftiip the great Eele for
a God, which I eate or difgeft ; and the Dog they
adore, I fpurne or driue out of dores. Hidras
heads I fhould go about to cut off, (as Tacitus
faies of them that thinke to cut off all difcom-
modities or inconueniences from the Lawes) if I
fhould vndertake to run throghout all the foolifh
friuolous reprehenfions & cauils he hath in his
Booke. I will take no knowledge of his tale of
ten egs for a penny, and nine of them rotten ; a
gormandizing breakfafi, he faies, / was at of egs

TO SAPFRON-WALDEN. 191

and butter ; which if he can name, where, when,
or with whom, I will giue him an annuitie of eg-
pyes. No more will I of his calling me Caftaine
of the boyes, and Sir Kil-frick; which is a name
fitter for his Piggen de -wiggen, or gentlewoman :
or els, becaufe fhe is fuch a hony fweetikin, let her
bee Prick-madam, of which name there is a flower;
& let him take it to himfelfe, and raigne intire
Cod-pijfe Kinks, and Sir Murdred of placards,
durante bene -placito, as long as he is able to pleafe,
or giue them geare. Like-wife the Captainihip
of the boyes I tofle backe to him, he hauing a
whole band of them to write in his praife : but if
fo he terme me in refped of the minoritie of my
beard, he hath a beard like a Crow, with two or
three durtie ftrawes in her mouth, going to build
her neaft. See him & fee him not I will, about
that meazild inuention of the Good-wife my mothers
finding her daughter in the ouen, where fhe would
neuer haue fought her, if fhe had not been there firfi
her Jelfe: (a hackny prouerb in mens mouths euer
fince K. Lud was a little boy, or Belinus, Brennus
brother, for the loue hee bare to oyfters built
Billini'gate) : therfore there is no more to be faid
to it, but if he could haue told how to haue made
a bet/ter lye he would. I wil not prefent into the
Arches, or Commiflaries Court, what prinkum
prankums Gentlemen (his nere neighbors) haue

192 HA UE WITH YOU

whifpred to me of his Sifter, and how ihee is as
good a fellow as euer turnd belly to belly ; for
which fhe is not to be blam'd, but I rather pitie
her, and thinke ftie cannot doo withall, hauing no
other dowrie to marie her. Good Lord, how one
thing brings on another ; had it not bin for his
baudy fifter, I ftiould haue forgot to haue anfwerd
for the baudie rymes he threapes vpon me. Are
they rimes ^ and are they baudie} and are they
mine ? Well, it may be fo that it is not fo ; or if
it be, men in their youth (as in their fleep) manie
times doo fomething that might haue been better
done, & they do not wel remember.

O Yes. Be it knowen vnto all men by thefe
prefents, that whatfoeuer names of Duns, ajje, or
Dorbell I haue giu'n Gabriell Haruey, or of a
kitchin ftuffe wrangler, and reading the Leiture
of Ram alley, I will ftill perfeuer and infift in ;
as alfo, that I wilbe as good as my word in de-
fending any (but abhominable Atheifts) that fhall
write againft him, that I wil ftill maintaine there
is in court but one true Diana, & fo wil all that
are true fubieds to her Maieftie; that
weUhauecaid I think as rcuerently of London as of

it the Count- „. . . -^ , i t i

esseorDuches any Litie m hurope, though 1 doo

not cal it the " Madam 'Towne of the

Realme" as he hath done, and that I hold no place

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 193

better gouerned, how euer in fo great a fea of
all waters there cannot chufe but be fome quick-
fands and rockes & fhelues ; that I neuer fo
much as in thought detracted from Du Bart as,
Buchanan, or anie generall allowed moderne
Writer, howere Gnimelfe Hengiji here giues out,
without / naming time, place, or to whome I
did, how / vowd to confute them all ; that Maft.
Lilly neuer frocurd Greene or mee to write
againft him, but it was his own firft feeking
and beginning in "The Lamb of God, where he
and his Brother (that loues dauncing fo wel)
fcummerd out betwixt them an Epiftle to the
Readers againft all Poets and Writers ; &
M. Lilly & me by name he be-ruffianizd & be-
rafcald, copar'd to Martin, & termd vs piperly
make-plaies and make-bates, yet bad vs holde our
peace £5? not be fo hardie as to anfwere him, for
if we did, he would make a Hoodie day in Poules
Church-yard, £9" fplinter our pens, til they flradled
again as wide as a paire of Compajfes. Further
be it knowen vnto you, that before this T praijde
him (after a fort) in an Epifile in Greenes Mena-
phon.

Bentiv. But didjl thoufo ?

Refpon. O what do you meane to hinder my
Proclamation? I did, I did, as vnfainedly and
fincerely as, in his firft butter-fly Pamphlet againft

N. III. 13

194 HA UE WITH YOU

Greene, he praifd me for that proper yong man,
Greenes fellow Writer, whom (in Jome reJpeSis)
he wiflit well to ; as alfo in hys Booke he writ
againft Greene and mee, he raild vppon me vnder
the name of Piers Pennilejfe, and for a bribe that
I fliould not reply on him praifd me, and reckond
me (at the latter end) amongft the famous Schol-
lers of our time, as S. Philip Sidney, M. Wat/on,
M. Spencer, M. Daniell, whom he hartily thankt,
& promifed to endow uoith manie complements for
Jo enriching our Englifh "Tongue.

Confil. Then, what an AJJe is hee to call thee
an Afle for praifing him, £9* after thou hadji praifd
him (though it was but pretie and fo, for a Latine
Poet after others) vpon / a good turn done him
(l£ no iniurie fore-running) to build the founda-
tion of a quarrell.

Refp. Further than further bee it knowne (fince
I had one further before) I neuer abufd Marloe,
Greene, Chettle in my life, nor anie of my frends
that vfde me like a frend ; which both Marloe
and Greene (if they were aliue) vnder their hands
would teftifie, euen as Harry Chettle hath in a
fhort note here.

/ Hold it no good manners (M. Nafhe), beeing
but an Artificer, to giue D. Haruey the ly, though
he haue dejerud it, by publifhing in Print you

TO SAFFRON- WALDEN. 195

haue done mee ivrong, which priuately I neuer found :
yet to confirme by my Art in deed, what his calling
forbids me to affirme in word, your booke being
readie for the Prejfe, He fquare &? Jet it out in
Pages, that fhall page and lackey his infamie after
him (at leafij while he Hues if no longer.

Your old Compofiter,

Henry Chettle.

Impo. Tes, Greene he conuinces thee to haue
abufed, in that thy defence of him is a more
biting commendation than his reproofe.

Refpond. It is fo hereticall a falfifier, a man
had not need talke with him without a Bible in
the roome ; for it may be he hath fome care of
his oath, if it be not in a matter of reconciliation,
or repaying of money, as to Dexter s man : but
his ipje dixit, his report otherwife, is nothing fo
currant as beggers about the Courts remoue.
Nere tell me of this or that he fayes I {pake or
did, except he particularize and ftake downe the
verie words, and, catching them by the throate
like a theefe, fay, / thefe are they that did the
deed, I arreft you, and I charge you all, gentle
Readers, to aid me. What truly might be fpoken
of Greene, I publifht, neither difcommending him,
nor too much flattering him (for I was nothing
bound to him) ; whsreas it maye be alleadgd

196 HAUR WITH YOU

aga'mft Gabriel, as it was againft Paulus louius^
^Uie veriffime fcribere fotuit noluit, isf qu^e voluit
non potuit : thofe things which hee might haue
related truely hee would not, and thofe which
he would hee could not, for want of good intelli-
gence. How he hath handled Greene and Marloe,
fince their deaths, thofe that read his Bookes may
iudge : and where, like a lakes barreller and a
Gorbolone, he girds me with imitating 0/ Greene,
let him vnderftand, I more fcorne it, than to haue
fo foule a lakes for my groaning ftoole as hys
mouth ; & none that euer had but one eye, with
a pearle in it, but could difcern the difference
twixt him & me ; while he liu'd (as fome
Stationers can witnes with me) hee fubfcribing
to me in anie thing but plotting Plaies, wherein
he was his crafts mafter. Did I euer write of
Conycatching ? ftufFt my ftile with hearbs &
ftones ? or apprentifd my felfe to running of the
letter ? If not, how then doo I imitate him ? A
hang-by of his (one Valentine Bird, that writ
againft Greene) imitated me, & would embezill
out of my Fiers Pennilejfe fixe lines at a clap,
and vfe them for his owne. Nay, he himfelfe
hath purloyned fomething from mee, and mended
his hand in confuting by fifteen parts, by follow-
ing my prefidents. There is two or three mouth
fulls of my Oo yes yet behinde, which, after I

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 197

haue drawrTe out at length, you fliall feeme (like
a Crier, that when he hath done kire-elofoning
it, puts of his cap, and cries God faue the Queene, /
& fo fteps into the next ale-houfe) fteale out of
your companie before you bee aware, and hide
my felfe in a Clofet, *no bigger than would holde
a Church Bible, till the beginning of Candlemas
'Terms, and then, if you come into Poules Church-
yard, you fhall meete mee.

Oo yes, be it knowne, I can ryme as wel as
the Dodlor, for a fample whereof, in ftead of his

Noddy Na/h, whom euerie Jwafli, and his occa-
fionall admonitionatiue Sonnet, his A-poftrophe Son-
net, and tynie titmoufe Lenuoy, like a welt at
the edge of a garment, his goggle-eyde Sonnet
of Gorgon, and the wonderfull yeare, and another
Lenuoy, for the chape of it, his Stanza declaratiue.
Writers pofl-Jcript in meeter, his knitting vp Chafe,
and a third Lenuoy, like a fart after a good ftoole ;
In ftead of all thefe (I fay) here is the tufFt or
labell of a rime or two, the trick or habit of
which I got by looking on a red nofe Ballet-
maker that reforted to our Printing-houfe. They
are to the tune of Lahore Dolore, or the Parla-
ment tune of a pot of ale and nutmegs and
ginger, or Eldertons ancient note of meeting the
diuell in coniure houfe lane. If you hit it right,
it will go maruelloufly fweetly :

1 98 HA UE WITH YOU

Gabriel Haruey, fames duckling,
hey noddie, noddie, noddie :

Is made a gojling and a Juckling,
hey noddie, noddie, noddie.

Or that's not it, I haue a better.

Dilla, my DoSior deare,

Jing dilla, dilla, dilla :
Naflie hath Jpoyled thee clear e

with his quilla, quilla, quilla.

What / more haue I in my Proclamation to
yalp out? No more but this, that in both my
bookes I haue obieded fome perticular vice more
againft him than pumps and pantofles, which thofe
that haue not faith inough to beleeue, may toote
& fuperuize when they haue any literall idle ley-
fiare. 'The Tragedie of wrath, or Prifcianus vapu-
lans, promifed in the epilogue Sonnet of my Foure
Letters, (three or foure words wherof, as Awayte,
and paint, and tread no common path, he mumbles
and chewes in his mouth like a peece of Allom,
or the ftone of a horfe plum, to fucke off all the
meate of it) let him take this for it, whereby I
am out of his debt, if not ouer-plus. And where
he terrefies mee with infulting hee was Tom Bur-
wels the Fencers Scholler, and that he will fqueaze
and mazer me whenfoeuer he met me, why did hee
not when hee met me at Cambridge, we lying

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 199

backe to backe in the fame Inne, and but two or
three fquare trenchours of a wainfcot dore betwixt
vs? By our reconciliation he cannot excufe it,
fince the law-day was out, and the feude open
againe by his . breach of truce, and my defiance
to him in an Epiftle to the Reader in Chrifts
tears. But let him henceforth prouide him of
two or three fturdie Plow men (fuch as his fwines
fac't blue-coate was) when I legerd by him in
the Dolphin, for otherwife not all the fence he
learnd of 'Tom Burwell fhall keepe mee from
cramming a turd in his iawes (and no other
bloud will I draw of him): I haue belpoken a
boy and a napkin already to carry it in. Laft
of all, there is nothing I haue bragd of my writing
in all humors, no not fo much as of his flefhly
humours, but ftiall be anuilde for true fteele on
his ftandifh, I making an indenture twixt God
and my/foule, to confume my bodie as flender
as a ftilt or a broome-ftafFe ; and my braine as
poore and compendius as the pummell of a
fcotch faddle, or pan of a Tobacco pipe, but as
the Elephant and the Rinoceros neuer fight but
about the beft paftures, fo will I winne from
him his beft Patrons, and driue him to confefle
himfelfe a Conundrum, who now thinks he hath
learning inough to prooue the faluation of
Lucifer ; Apologize it for him as many

200 HAUE WITH YOU

Chutes, Barnejes, or vile friggers, or Fregeuiks,
as there will.

Bentiv. Thou promifedft to haue a dead lift at that
Fregeuile.

Rejf. I, here I am come to his verfes, but let
mee take them in order as they lie ; Thorius is
firft, with a Letter and Sonnet, and Poft-Jcrift of
Chutes.

Carnead. More Pofi-Jcripts and preambles : hath
he (as with his ThrafonifmeJ infelfed them all
with his methode of Lenuoyes, Poft-fcripts and
Preambles.

Re/pond. From Mafter Thorius I haue a letter
vnder his owne hand, which he fent mee to be
printed, vtterly difclaiming the wrong which the
Dodour (vnder his name) hath thruft out againft
mee. This is the counterpaine of it.

To my very good friend M. Nafhe.

Mafter Nafhe : / pray you to let my carriage
towardes you alwaies, beget but thus much in your
opinion, that I would neuer haue beene led with Jo
much indijcretion as to raile againji any man vn-
prouoked, or to offer him / wrong that neuer offended
mee. 1'ruely, vpon the fight of fiue or fix fheets of
DoSfor Harueyes Booke, I wrote certaine verfes in
his commendation; but that Sonnet which in his
booke is Jubjcribed with my name, is not mine, and I

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 201

geffe at the miftaking of it. Indeed the Stanzaes
are, though altred to your dijgrace in Jome places.
'To vje many words were vaine, and to ende writing
and leaue you vnjatisfied, were to write to no end,
and to leaue my Jelfe dijcontented. But if you con-
Jider how I was as much offended with the vniuft
vaineglorious Print as your felfe, wee Jhall both refi
contented. Little did I think the booke fhould haue
had fo famous a Title, or fo many Prefaces, or Jo
many Letters and Preambles ; amongft which Jome
of mine, blufhing to looke vfpon fo contemptible a
perfon they were directed too, could not but be exceed-
ingly afhamed to bee prejented to the eyes of a whole
world. I could miflike other things, but I will
leaue them as trifles. Farewell.

Yours to vfe,

/. Thorius.

Chute, I that was the bawlingeft of them all, &
that bobd me with nothing but Rhenifh furie,
Stilliard clyme, oyjler whore phraje, claret Jpirit,
and ale-houje paffions, with talking fo much of
drinke, within a yere and a halfe after died of the
dropfie, as diuers Printers that were at his buriall
certefide mee. Seeing dead, I would not haue
reuiu'd him, but that the Dodtor (whofe patron
he was) is aliue to anfwere for him. Mounfieur
Fregufius, or Mounfieur Fregevile Gautius, -that

202 HA UE WITH YOU

prating weazell fac'd vermin, is one of the Pipers
in this confort, and he is at it with his Afologie
of the thrice learned ■ and thrice eloquent DoSiour
Haruey, befooles and bejots mee in euerie line, pleads
the DoSlors innocence, and the lawfulnes of his pro-
ceedings, praifeth his moderate flile, faies he isforie
he is fo vniufily pufht at, and, being pujht at, glad
he hath fo acquited him, and that his Anlwere is
reafonable and eloquent.

I am forie I haue no more roome to reafon the
matter with him ; for if I had, I did not doubt
but to make him a fugitiue out of England as
well as he is out of his owne Countrey : & in this
great dearth in England we haue no reafon but
to make him a Fugitiue or banifh him, fince he
is the rauenoufeft flouen that euer lapt porredge ;
and out of two Noblemens houfes he had his
Mittimus of ye may be gone, for he was fuch a
peruerfe Ramiflicall heretike, a bufie reprouer of
the principles of all Arts, and fower of feditious
Paradoxes amongft kitchen boyes.

My clue is fpun, the Tearme is at an end,
wherefore here I wil end and make Vacation : but
if you wil haue a word or two of Dodtour Feme
and Mafter Lilly, in ftead of one of Gabriels
Apoftrophe Sonnets or Lenuc^yes / by Struthio
Belliuecento de Compaffo Callipero, and the Contents
of it, I proteft and adiure, you fhall.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 203

Againft Dodor Verne our Poditheck, or 'Tolmach,
hath in his booke twilted and ftitcht in a whole
penny-worth of paper, which his Goffipfhip, that
had the naming of the child, dubs the Encomium
of the Foxe. In it he endorfeth him the puling
Preacher of Pax vobis £5? humilitie, (to both of
which Gabriel! alwaies was an enemie, euen as
Dodtor Perne was to his loue-lockes & his great
ruffes and pantofles) the triangle turne-coate, (I
wold he had anie coat to turne but that he
weares :) and for triangles, one angle or corner
he wilbe glad of to hide him in after this Booke
is out, & brickil & ouen vp his ftinking breath,
(which fmells like the greafie fnafe of a ■ candle)
that I maye not come within eleuen-teene fcore
nofe length of it. He brings in his coffin tofpeake :
what a woodden ieft is that? jin apoftata, an
hipocryte, a Machauill, a coufner, a iugler, a letcher
hee fnakes him, and faies he kept a Cubbe at Peter-
houfe ; that his hofpitalitie was like Ember weeke
or good Friday : & if a man fhould haue writ
againft Sergius, that was the firft fetter vp of
Mahomet, he could not haue parbraked more
vilenes, than he hath done againft him. Vincit
qui patitur he faith (or a great Counfeller that
giues that Pofie) can vnrip the whole packet of
his knauerie, making him a broker to his fcutcherie.
The whole Quire thankes you hartily. Dodbor

204 HAUE WITH YOU

Verne is calkt vp in lead, and cannot arife to plead
for himfelfe : wherefore this (as dutie to thofe
fome way bindes mee that were fomwhat bound
to him) I wil commit to inke & paper in his
behalfe. Few men liu'd better, though, like Dauid
I or Peter, he had his falls, yet the Vniuerfitie had
not a more carefull Father this loo yere, and if no
regard but that a chiefe Father of our Common-
wealth lou'd him, (in whofe houfe he died)' hee
might haue fpar'd and forborne him.

His hoffitalitie was as great as hath bin kept
before, or euer fince, vpon the place he had, and
for his wit & learning, they that miflike want the
like wit and learning, or elfe they would haue
more iudgement to difcerne of it. For Mafter
Lillie (who- is halues with me in this indignitie
that is ofFred) I will not take the tale out of his
mouth, for he is better able to defend himfelfe
than I am able to fay he is able to defend himfelfe,
and in as much time as hee fpendes in taking
'Tobacco one weeke, he can compile that which
would make Gabrtell repent himfelfe all his life
after. With a blacke fant he meanes fhortly to
bee at his chamber window, for calling him the
Fiddkfticke of Oxford. In that he twatleth, it had
bin better to haue confuted Martin by Reuerend
Cooper than fuch leuitie ; tell mee why was hee
not then confuted by Reuerend Cooper, or made

TO SA PFR ON- WA LDEN. 205

to hold his peace, till Mafter Lillie, and fome
others, with their pens drew vpon him ? A day-
after the faire when he is hangd Haruey takes <
him in hand, but if he had beene aliue now, euen
as he writ more worke for the Cooper, fo would hee
haue writte Harueys whoope diddle, or the non-
Juting, or vncafing of the animadvertijer . I haue
a laughing hickocke to heare him faye, hee was
once fuJpSled for Martin, when there is nere a
Purfiuant in England, in the pulling on his boots,
euer thought of him or imputed to him fo much
wit. The bangingeft thinges which I can picke /
out, wherein he hath feftered Martin, or defended
bifhops, are thefe : For a folifhedjiile few goe beyond
Cartwright ; his ray ling at mee, for f ■peaking againfl
Beza, the grand Champion againfl Bifhops ; his
malicious defamation of Doftour Perne ; where,
after hee hath polluted him with all the fcandale
hee could, hee faies, The clergie neuer wanted
excellent fortune-wrights, and he was one of the
cheefefl ; as though the Church of England were
vpheld and AtlafTed by corruption, Machauelifme,
apoftatifme, hipocryfie and treacherie : in all thefe
hee, making him notorious in the higheft kinde,
dooth giue out, that he was one of the Churches
cheife fortune-wrights : and befides (to mend the
matter) he afks, IVhat Bifhop or Politician in
England was Jo great a Temporijer as hee ? I hope

2o6 HAUE WITH YOU

there be fome Bifhops within the compafle of
the two Metrapolitaine Seas, that can fifh out a
fhamefull meaning out of this word 1'empofifer,
and doo difdaine their high caUing iho*uld be fo
Gnathonically compar'd, for fuch is a 'Temporifer ;
and with their profeflion it ftands to bee no ftate
PoHticians, but onely to meddle with the ftate
of heauen. Then he hath a tale out of Vontane
againft Bi/hops, for their riding vpon horjes, &"
not ajfes as Chriji did: afwel he might reftrain
them to ride vpon mares, as John Bale faith our
Enghfti Bifhops wer limitted too heretofore.
Such another tale of a Horfe hee hath of Gelo,
a Tyrant of Sicily , whom he termes the politique
tyrant, for bringing in his great horfe, injlead of a
harper, into his Banquetting-houfe ; to dung and
ftale amongft his guefts. It is a ftale ftinking
Apotheg ; but Bene olet hofiis interfeSlus (as
Vitellius faid) ; the fweete fauer of an enemie
flaine takes away the fmell of it.

More / battring engins I had in a readines
prepared to fhake his walks, which I keepe backe
till the next 'Tearme, meaning to infert them in
my Foure Letters Confuted, which then is to be
renewed and reprinted againe.

So be your leaue God be with you, I was bold
to call in, Spedtatores. The faults efcaped in the
Printing I wifh may likewife efcape you in reading.

TO SAFFRON-WALDEN. 207

In the Epijile Dedkatoric correal Willington, and
put in Williamfon : in the midft of the Booke vide
make vidi : about the latter end ftellified ftalified,
and Sunius Surius : with as many other words, or
letters to much, or too-wanting, as ye will.

^he Paradoxe of the AfTe, M. Lilly hath
wrought vppon ; as aljo to him I turne ouer the
DoSiors Apothecarie tearmes he hath vfed throughout,
y more efpscially in his laji Epifile of notable
Contents.

Herewith the Court breakes vp and goes to
dinner, all generally concluding with Traian ; 'The
Gods neuer fuffer anie to be ouer-come in hattail,
but thoje that are enemies to peace.

Ta mihi criminis

Author.

Fi

NIS.

X.

THE
TERRORS OF THE NIGHT.

1594.
♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

N. III.

14

NOTE.

For the exemplar of 'The Terrors of the Night' I am indebted to
the Bodleian. — G.

THE

Terrors of the night,

Or

A Difcourfe of Apparitions.

Poji Tenebras Dies.
Tho : Nashe.

London,

Printed "ay John Danter for William Jones, and are to be fold

at the figne of the Gunne, nere Holburne Conduit.

1594-

TO THE NEW KIND-

led cleare Lampe of Virginitie, and

the excellent adored high Wonder of fliarpe Wit

and fweete Beautie, Miftres Elizabeth Carey ;

fole Daughter and Heire to the thrice noble and re-

nowmed Sir George Carey, Knight

Mar/hall, &=€,

»Are adorned Miftris, whom al that know
admire, and not malice it felfe but doth
honor. True Stemme of Nobilitie, out-
floiirifhing your fexe or your age ; pure faint-like
picture of Sobrietie and Modeftie, facred and im-
maculate virgin Starre, cleare (if anie liuing) from
the original! fin of thought : giue me leaue (though
contemptible and abieft) once more to facrifice my
worthies wit to your glorie. Manie feruent vowes
and proteftations of obferuance, your bountiful!
gracious deferts towards mee, haue entrancedly
extraded, which yet remain in the o're vnwrought
and vntride. As touching this fhort glofe or an-
notation on the foolifh Terrors of the Night, you
partly are acquainted, from whofe motiue impofition

2 1 4 THE EPISTLE DEDICA TORIE.

it firft proceeded, as alfo what ftrange fodaine caufe
neceflarily produced that motion. A long time
fince hath it bine fupprefled by mee; vntill the
vrgent importunitie of a kinde frend of mine (to
whom I was fundrie waies beholding) /wrefted a
Coppie from me. That Coppie progrefled from
one fcriueners fhop to another, & at length grew
fo common, that it was readie to bee hung out
for one of their fignes, like a paire of indentures.
Wherevppon I thought it as good for mee to
reape the frute of my owne labours, as to let fome
vnfkilfull pen-man or Nouerint-maker ftartch his
ruffe & new {pade his beard with the benefite he
made of them. Accept of them, exquifite Miftris,
as the beft teftimonie I haue yet to expres the
dutie that I owe. A little more leafure and pros-
peritie, will beget better labors; wherein I will
ertioyne my fpirit to be a peremptorie combattant
for your praifes, againft all vulgar deepe flattred
mediocritie, and pale penurious beautie, which
giues dull Painters ftore of gold to folder vp their
leane dints of deformity. Againft your perfeftions
no tung can except. Miraculous is your wit ; and
fo is acknowledged by the wittieft Poets of our age,
who haue vowed to enfhrine you as their fecond
Delia. Temperance her felfe hath not temperater
behauiour than you; religious Pietie hath no
humble hand-maide that fhe more delights in. A

THE EPISTLE DEDICATORIE. 215

worthy Daughter are you of fo worthie a Mother ;
borrowing (as another Phcebe, from her bright
Sunne-like refplendaunce) the orient bearaes of
your radiaunce. Into the Mufes focietie her felfe
fhe hath lately adopted, & purchaft diuine Petrarch
another monument in England. Euer honored
may flie be of the royalleft breed of wits, whofe
purfe is fo open to her poore beadfmens diftrefles.
Well may I fay it, becaufe I haue tride it, neuer
liu'd a more magnificent Ladie of her degree on
this earth. A number of men there bee, / who
purfuing the high way to the Indies, haue perifht
in lingring expeftation before they could get
thether; but a neerer Cut haue I found in her
extraordinarie liberalitie and bountie : and to a
companie of my malcontent companions will dis-
couer if it pleafe them, how to be gainful! and
gain-coping nauigators if they will infift in my
diredtions. Now I muft tie my felfe to the
Printers paper limits, and knit vp much thank-
fulneffe in few words. Deare Miftris, perfwade
your felfe, that no frowning misfortune or anye
accident whatfoeuer, fhall diuorce me from your
reuerence. No more I craue in requitall, but
that you would put me in the checke-roule of
your remembrance, and not falute me as a ftranger.
Tour vertues immoueable Votarie :

Tho: Nashe.

To Mafter or Goodman Reader, ge-
nerally difperfed Eaft or Weft.

.Entlemen (according to the laudable cuftome)

I am to court you with a few premijfes

conftdered : but a number of you there bee,

who conftder neither premijfes nor con-

clujion, but pteouflie torment Title Pages on euerie

poaft : neuer reading farther of anie Booke, than

Imprinted by Simeon Juch ajigne, and yet with your

dudgen iudgement will defperatelie prefume to run

vp to the hard hilts through the whole bulke of it,

Martin Momus, and Jplaie footed Zoylus that in

the eight and ftxt age of Poetrie, and firji yere of

the reigne ofTatltons toies kept afoulefiir in Poules

Church-yard, are now reuiu'd againe : and like

wanton Whelpes that haue wormes in their tungs,

flauer and betoufe euerie paper they meete withall.

Tea, if they chance but on a moate or a wind bladder,

they neuer haue done with it, till they haue cleane

bandied and tojl it out of fight. For my part,

I wifh that I may be both out of their fight and out

TO THE READER. 217

of their minde too : and if their winy wits muji
needs be working, that they would rather be Tailors
to make, than botchers or coblers to amend or to
marre. Come, come, I know their dull tricks wel
inough, you jhal haue them lie in child-bed one and
thirtie weeks and eight dales of three bad lines and
a halfe, &? afterward fpend a whole tvvelue month
infpunging fc? fprucing them, honeft thriftie Peter
Littleton di ("charging their commons all the while :
but Juch foore fellowes as I, that cannot put out
money to be paid againe when we come from Con-
ftantinople, either muji haue our work difpatcht
by the weeks end, or els we may go beg : and yet
I will not beg of them, neither go to the world neuer
Jo hard, no not Jo much as a good word: but if in
word or deed I hear that they wrong me, lie meet
them right if I can. And Jo I leaue them to flop
muftard pots with my leaue s if they^ill, or to their
owne will whatjoeuer.

Thomas Nash.

y^ The Terrors of the Night.

OR

A Difcourfe of Apparitions.

* Litle to beguile time idlely dis-
contented, and fatisfie fome of
my folitary friends heere in the
Countrey, I haue haftily vnder-
tooke to write of the wearie
fancies of the Night, wherein if I weary none
with my weak fancies, I will hereafter leane
harder on my penne and fetch the petegree of
my, praife, from the vtmoft of paines.

As touching the terrors of the night, they are
as many as our finnes. The Night is the Diuells
Blacke booke, wherein hee recordeth all our trans-
grefsions. Euen as when a condemned man is put
into a darke dungeon, fecluded from all comfort
of light or companie, he doth nothing but defpair-
fuUy call to minde his gracelefle former / life, and

220 THE TERRORS

the brutifh outrages and mifdemeanours that haue
thrown him into that defolate horrour: fo when
Night in her ruftie dungeon hath imprifoned our
ey-fight, and that we are fliut feperatly in our
chambers from refort, the diuell keepeth his
audit in our fin-guilty confciences, no fenfe but
furrenders to our memorie a true bUl of parcels
of his deteftable impieties. The table of our hart
is turned to an index of iniquities, and all our
thoughts are nothing but texts to condemne vs.

The reft we take in our beds is fuch another
kinde of reft, as the wearie traueller taketh in the
coole foft grafle in fummer ; who thinketh there
to lye at eafe, and refrefti his tyred limraes, layeth
his fainting head vnawares on a loathfome neaft
of fnakes.

Well haue the Poets tearmd night the nurfe of
cares, the mother of defpaire, the daughter of hell.

Some Diuines haue had this conceipt, that God
would haue made all day and no night, if it had
not been to put vs in minde, there is Hell as well
as a Heauen.

Such is the peace of the fubiefts, as is the peace
of the Prince vnder whom they are gouerned.
As God is intitled the Father of light, fo is the
diuell furnamed the Prince of darknefle, which is
the night. The only peace of minde that the
diuell hath is difpaire, wherefore wee that liue

OF THE NIGHT. 221

in his nightly kingdome of darknes, muft needs
tafte fome difquiet.

The Rauen and the Doue that were fent out
of Noes Arke, to difcouer the worlde after the
general! Deluge, may well be an allegorie of the
day and the night. The day / is our good Angell
the Doue, that returneth to our eyes with an
Oliue branch of peace in his mouth (prefenting
quiet and fecuritie to our diftraded foules and
confciences) ; the night is that ill angel the Rauen,
which neuer commeth back to bring anie good
tidings of tranquilitie : a continuall meflenger hee
is of dole and misfortune. The greateft curfe
almoft that in the fcripture is threatened, is, that
the rauens fhal picke out their eies in the valley
of death. This curfed rauen the night, pecks out
mens eyes in the valley of death. It hindreth
them from looking to heauen for fuccor, where
their Redeemer dwelleth : wherefore no doubt it
is a time moft fatall and vnhallowed. This being
proued, that the diuell is a fpeciall predominant
Planet of the night, and that our creator for our
punifhment hath allotted it him as his peculiar
fegniorie and kingdome, from his inueterate enuie,
I will amplifie the vgly terrours of the night. The
names importing his mallice, which the fcripture
is plentiful of, I wil here omit ; leaft fome men
fhuld think I went about to coniure. Sufficeth

222 THE TERRORS

vs to haue this heedful! knowledge of him, that
hee is an auncient male content, and feeketh to
make anie one defperat like himfelfe. Like a
cunning fowler to this end he fpreadeth his nets
of temptation in the darke, that men might not
fee to auoyd them. As the Poet faith.

QiUie nimis apparent retia vitat auis.
Too open nets euenjimple birds doo Jhun.

Therefore in another place (which it -cannot be
but the diuell hath read) he counfaileth thus.

NoSlem j peccatis &? fraudibus obiice nubem.
By night timejinne, and cloake thy fraud with clouds.

When hath the diuell commonly firft appeared
vnto anie man but in the night .''

In the time of infidelitie, when fpirits were fo
familiar with men that they cald them T)ii Penates,
their houihold Gods or their Lares, they neuer
facrificed vnto them till Sunne-fetting. The
Robbin-good-fellowes, Elfes, Fairies, Hobgoblins
of our latter age, which idolatrous former dales
and the fantafticall world of Greece ycleaped
Fawnes, Satyres, Dryades, (^ Hamadryades, did
moft of their merry prankes in the Night. Then
ground they malt, and had hempen fhirts for their
labours, daunft in rounds in greene meadowes,
pincht maids in their fleep that fwcpt not their

OF TH^ NIGHT. 223

houfes cleane, and led poore Trauellers out of
their way notorioufly.

It is not to be gain-faid, but the diuell can
transforme himfelfe into an angell of light, appeare
in the day afwell as in the night, but not in this
fubtil world of Chriftianity fo vfuall as before. If
he doo, it is when mens mindes are extraordinarily
throwne downe with difcontent, or inly terrified
with fome horrible concealed murder, or other
hainous crime clofe fmothered in fecret. In the
day he may fmoothly in fome mild fhape inlinuat,
but in the night he takes vpon him like a tyrant.
There is no theefe that is halfe fo hardie in the
day, as in the night, no more is the diuell. A
generall principle it is, hee that doth ill hateth
the light.

This Macheuillian tricke hath hee in him worth
the noting, that thofe whom he dare not vnited
or together encounter, / dif ioined and diuided, hee
will one by one aflaile in their fleepe. And euen
as Ruptures and crampes doo then moft torment
a man when the bodie with any other difeafe is
diftemperd, fo the Diuell when with any other
fickenes or malladie the faculties of our reafon are
enfeebled and diftemperd, will be moft bufie to
difturbe vs and torment vs.

In the quiet filence of the night he will be fure
to furprize vs, when he vnfallibly knowes we ftiall

224 THE TERRORS

be vnarmed to refift, and that there will be full
audience granted him to vndermine or perfwade
what he lifts. All that euer he can fcare vs with,
are but Seleucus ayrie Caftles, terrible bug-beare
brags, and nought els, which with the leaft thought
of faith are quite vanifhed and put to flight.
Neither' in his owne nature dare he come nere vs,
but in the name of fin, and as Gods executioner.
Thofe that catch birds imitate their voyces, fo will
hee imitate the voyces of Gods vengeance, to bring
vs like birds into the net of eternall damnation.

Children, fooles, ficke-men or mad-men hee is
moft familiar with (for he ftill delights to worke
vpon the aduantage) and to them he boldly
reuealeth, the whole aftoniftiing treafurie of his
wonders.

It will be demaunded why in the likenes of
ones father or mother, or kinsfolks, he oftentime
prefents himfelfe vnto vs .'

No other reafon can bee giuen of it but this,
that in thofe fliapes which hee fuppofeth moft
familliar vnto vs, and that wee are inclined to with
a naturall kind of loue, we will fooner harken to
him than otherwife.

Should / he not difguife himfelfe in fuch fubtil
formes of aifedion, we would flie from him as a
ferpent, and efchew him with that hatred he ought
to be efchewd. If anie afke him why he is more

OF THE NIGHT. 225

conuerfant & bufie in church-yards and places
where men are buried, than in anie other places ?
It is to make vs beleeue that the bodies & foules
of the departed reft entirely in his pofleflion, and
the peculiar power of death is refigned to his
difpofition. A rich man delights in nothing fo
much as to be vnceflantly raking in his treafurie,
to bee turning ouer hys ruftie gold euerie houre :
the boanes of the dead, the diuell counts his chiefe
treafurie, and therfore is he continually raking
amongft them ; and the rather he doth it, that the
liuing which heare it Ihould bee more vnwilling
to die, infomuch as after death their boanes ihould
take no reft.

It was faid of Cataline, Vultum gefiauit in
manibus, with the turning of a hand he could
turne and alter his countenance. Farre more
nimble and fodaine is the Diuell in ftiifting kis
habit, his forme he can change, and cogge as
quicke as thought.

What do we talke of one diuell ? There is not a
roome in anie mans houfe, but is peftred and clofe
packed with a campe royall of diuels. Chrijojiome
faith, the aire and earth are three parts inhabited
with fpirits. Hereunto the Philofopher alluded,
when hee faid, Nature made no voydnes in the
whole vniuerfall : for no place (bee it no bigger
than a pock hole in a mans face) but is clofe

N. III. 15

226 THE TERRORS

thronged with them. Infinite millions of them wil
hang fwarming about a worm-eaten nofe.

Don / Lucifer himfelfe their grand Capitano,
afketh no better throne than a bleare eye to fet
vp his ftate in. Vpon a haire they will fit like
a nit, and ouer-dredge a bald pate like a white
fcurflfe. The wrinkles in old witches vifages, they
eate out to entrench themfelues in.

If in one man a whole legion of diuells haue
bin billetted, how manie hundred thoufand
legions retaine to a Tearme at London ? If I faid
but to a Tauerne, it were an infinite thing. In
Weftminfter Hall a man can fcarce breath for
them : for in euery corner they houer as thick
as moates in the funne.

The Druides that dwelt in the He of Man,
which are famous for great coniurers, are reported
to haue beene loufie with familiars. Had they
but put their finger and their thumbe into their
neck, they could haue pluckt out a whole neaft
of them.

There be them that thinke euerie fparke in a
flame is a fpirit, and that the wormes which at
fea eate through a fliip, are fo alfo : which may
verie well bee ; for haue not you feene one fparke
of fire burne a whole towne, & a man with a
fparke of lightning made blinde, or kild outright.
It is impoffible the gunnes fhould goe off as

OF THE NIGHT. 227

they doo, if there were not a fpirit either in the
fier, or in the powder.

Now for wormes : what makes a dog run mad,
but a worme in his tung? and what fhould that
worme bee, but a fpirit? Is there anie reafon,
fuch fmall vermine as they are, fhould deuoure
fiich a vaft thing as a ftiippe, or haue the teeth to
gnaw through yron and wood ? No, no, they are
fpirits, or els it were incredible.

Tullius I Hoftillius who tooke vpon him to
coniure vp loue by Numa Pompillius bookes, had
no fenfe to quake & tremble at the wagging and
fhaking of euery leafe, but that he thought all
leaues are full of wormes, and thofe wormes are
wicked fpirits.

If the bubbels in ftreames were wel fearcht,
I am perfwaded they would be found to be little
better. Hence it comes that mares (as Columella
reporteth) looking their formes in thr water, run
mad. A flea is but a little beaft, yet if fhe were
not poflefl: with a fpirit, fhe could neuer leape and
fkip fo as fhe doth. Froijard faith, the Earle of
Fois had a familiar that prefented it felfe vnto
him in the likenes of two rufhes fighting one with
another. Not fo much as "Tewkjburie muflard but
hath a fpirit in it or els it would neuer bite fo.
Haue wee not read of a number of men that haue
ordinarily carried a familiar or a fpirite in a ring

228 THE TERRORS

in ftead of a fparke of a diamond ? Why I tell
ye we cannot break a crum of bread fo little, as
one of them will be if they lift.

From this generall difcourfe of fpirits, let vs
digrefle, & talke another while of their feperate
natures and properties.

The fpirits of the fire which are the pureft and
perfedteft, are merry, pleafant, and well inclined to
wit, but neuertheles gyddie, and vnconftant.

Thofe whome they poffefle, they caufe to excell
in what euer they vndertake. Or Poets or boone
companions they are out of queftion.

Socrates Genius was one of this ftampe, and the
Doue wherewith the Turks hold Mahomet their
Prophet to bee / infpired. What their names are,
and vnder whome they are gouerned, the Dis-
couerie of witchcraft hath amplified at large,
wherefore I am exempted from that labour. But
of the diuineft quinteflence of mettals and of
wines are many of thefe fpirits extradted. It is
almoft impoffible for any to bee encumbred with ill
fpirits, who is continually conuerfant in the excel-
lent reftoratiue diftillations of wit and of Alcumie.
Thofe that rauenoufly englut themfelues with
grofle meates, and refpeft not the quality but the
quantity of what they eate, haue no affinitie with
thefe fpirits of the fire.

A man that will entertaine them muft not

OF THE NIGHT. ' 229

pollute his bodie with any grofle carnall copula-
tion or inordinate beaftly de/ires, but loue pure
beauty, pure vertue, and not haue his aiFeftions
linfey wolfey, intermingled with luft, and things
worthy of liking.

As for example if hee loue good Poets hee
muft not countenance Ballet-makers, if he haue
learned Phifitions he muft not fauor horfe-leaches
and mountebanks: for a bad fpirit and a good
can neuer endure to dwell together,

Thofe Ipirits of the fire, howeuer I terme them
comparatiuely good in refped of a number of bad,
yet are they not fimply well inclinde, for they bee
by nature ambitious, haughty and proud, nor do
they loue vertue for it felfe any whit, but becaufe
they would ouerquell and outftrip others, with the
vaine glorious oftentation of it. A humor of
monarchizing and nothing els it is, which makes
them afFedl rare quallified ftudies. Many Atheifts
are with these fpirits inhabited.

To / come to the fpirits of the water, the earth,
& the ayre, they are dull flegmaticke drones,
things that haue much mallice without anie great
might. Drunkards, mizers, and women they
vfually retain too. Water (you all know) breedeth
a medley kinde of licor called beere ; with thefe
watrie fpirits they were poflefTed, that firft in-
uented the art of bruing. A quagmire confifting

230 THE TERRORS

of mud and fand, fendeth forth the Uke pudly
mixture.

All rheumes, pofes, Sciaticaes, dropfies, and
gouts, are difeafes of their flegmaticke engendring.
Sea-faring men of what fort fo euer, are chiefe
entertainers of thofe fpirits. Greedy vintners like-
wife giue hofpitalitie to a number of them ; who
hauing read no more fcripture, than that myracle
of Chrifts turning water into wine in Chanaan,
thinke to doo a farre ftranger miracle than euer
he did, by turning wine into water.

Ale houfes and cookes fliadie pauilions, by
watrie fpirits are principally vpholden.

The fpirits of the earth are they which crie, all
bread and no drinke, that loue gold and a buttond
cap aboue heauen. The woorth in nought they
refpedb, but the weight, good wits they naturally
hate ; infomuch as the element of fire their pro-
genitor, is a waft-good & a confumer. If with
their earth-plowing fnowtes they can turne vp a
pearle out of 9,. dunghill, it is all they defire.
Witches haue manie of thefe fpirits, and kill kyne
wyth them. The giants and chiefetaines of thofe
fpirites, are powrfuU fometimes to bring men to
their ends, but not a iot of good can they doo for
their Hues.

Souldiers with thefe terreftriall fpirits participate
part / of their eflence, for nothing but yron and

OF THE NIGHT. 231

golde (which are earths excrements) they delight
in. Befides, in another kinde they may be faid to
participate with them, infomuch as they confirme
them in their furie, & congeale their mindes with
a bloodie refolution. Spirites of the earth they
were that entred into the heard of fwyne in the
Gofpel. There is no citie merchant, or country
purchafer, but is haunted with a whole hofte of
thefe fpirits of the earth. The Indies is their
Metrapolitane realme of abode.

As for the fpirits of the aire, which haue no
other vifible bodies or form, but fuch as by the
vnconftant glimmering of our eies is begotten ;.
they are in truth all fhow and no fubftance, de-
luders of our imagination, & nought els. Carpet
knights, politique ftatefmen, women & childre
they moft conuers with. Carpet knights they
infpire with a humor of fetting big lookes on it,
being the bafeft cowards vnder heauen, couering
an apes hart with a lions cafe, and making falfe
alarums when they mean nothing but a may-game.
Politique ftatefmen they priuily incite, to bleare
the worlds eyes with clowdes of common wealth
pretences, to broach any enmitie or ambitious
humor of their owne, vnder a title of their cuntries
preferuation. To make it faire or fowle when
they lift to procure popularity, or induce a pre-
amble to fome mightie peece of prowling, to ftir

232 THE TERRORS

vp tempefts round about, & replenifh heauen with
prodigies and wonders, the more to ratifie their
auaritious religion. Women they vnder-hand
inftrud; to pownce and boulfter out theyr brawn-
falne deformities, to new perboile with painting
their / rake-leane withered vifages, to fet vp flaxe
fhops on their forheads, when all their owne haire
is dead and rotten, to fticke their gums round
with Comfets, when they haue not a tooth left in
their heads to help them to chide withall.

Children they feduce with garifh obieds and
toyifh babies, abufing them many yeares with
flight vanities. So that you fee all their whole
influence is but thin ouer caft vapours, flying
clouds difperfed with the leafl: winde of wit or
vnderfl:anding.

None of thefe fpirits of the ayre or the fire haue
fo much predominance in the night as the fpirits
of the earth and the water ; for they feeding on
foggie-braind melanchoUy, engender thereof many
vncouth terrible monfters. This much obferue by
the way, that the grofleft part of our blood is the
melancholy humor, which in the fpleene congealed
whofe office is to difperfe it, with his thicke fteaming
fennie vapours cafteth a mift ouer the fpirit, and
cleane bemafketh the phantafie.

And euen as flime and durt in a fl:anding
puddle, engender toads and frogs, and many other

OF THE NIGHT. 233

vnfighdy creatures, fo this flimie melancholy
humor ftill ftill thickning as it ftands ftill, en-
gendreth many mifhapen obieds in our imagina-
tions. Sundry times wee behold whole Armies or
men flcirmifhing in the Ayre, Dragons, wilde beafts,
bloody ftreamers, blafing Comets, firie ftrakes, with
other apparitions innumerable : whence haue all
thefe their conglomerate matter but from fuming
meteors that arife from the earth, fo from the
fuming melancholly of our fpleene mounteth that
hot matter into the higher / Region of the braine,
whereof manie fearfuU vifions are framed. Our
reafon euen like drunken fumes it difplaceth and
intoxicates, & yeelds vp our intelledliue apprehen-
fion, to be mocked and troden vnder foote, by
euerie falfe obiedt or counterfet noyfe that comes
neere it. Heerein fpecially confifteth our fenfes
defed and abufej that thofe organicall parts which
to the minde are ordained embafTadours, doo not
their meflage as they ought, but by fome mifdiet
or mifgouernment being diftempered, faile in their
report, and deliuer vp nothing but lyes and fables.
Such is our braine opprefled with Melancholly,
as is a clocke tyed downe with two heauie weights
or plummets ; which as it cannot chufe but mon-
ftroufly goe a fquare, or not goe at all : fo muft
our braines of neceffitie be either monftrouflv
diftradted, or vtterly deftroyed thereby.

234 THE TERRORS

Lightly this extreamitie of Melancholye neuer
commeth, but before fome notable ficknefle ; it
faring with our braynes as with Bees, who, as they
exceedingly toyle and turmoile before a ftorme or
change of weather, fo doo they beate and toyle,
and are infinitelie confufed before ficknes.

Of the efFeds of melancholy I need not dilate,
or difcourfe how many encumbred with it, haue
thought thefelves birdes and beafts, with feathers,
and homes, and hydes ; others, that if they fhould
make water they fhould drown e all the world ;
others, that they can neuer bleed inough. /

Phifitions in their circuit euerie day meet with
far more ridiculous experience. Onely it fliall
fuffife a little by the way to handle one ipeciall
effedl of it, which is dreames.

A dreame is nothing els but a bubling fcum or
froath of the fancie, which the ^ay hath left vn-
digefted ; or an after feaft made of the fragments
of idle imaginations.

How manie forts there be of them no man can
rightly fet downe, fince it fcarce hath been heard,
there were euer two men that dreamed alike.
Diuers have written diuerfly of their caufes, but
the beft reafon among them all that I could euer
picke out, was this, that as an arrow which is ftiot
out of a bow, is fent forth manie times with fuch
force, that it flyeth farre beyond the marke

OF THE NIGHT. 235

wherat it was aymed: fo our thoughts inten-
tively fixt all the day time vpon a marke wee are
to hit, are now and then ouer drawne with fuch
force, that they flye beyonde the marke of the
day into the confines of the night. There is
no man put to any torment, but quaketh &
trembleth a great while after the executioner hath
withdrawne his hand from him. In the daye time
wee torment our thoughts and imaginations with
fundry cares and deuices; all the night time they
quake and tremble after the terror of their late
fuffering, and ftill continue thinking of the per-
plexities they haue endured. To nothing more
aptly can I compare the working of our braines
after we haue vnyoakt and gone to bed, than to
the glimmering and dazeling of a mans eyes when
hee comes newly out of the bright Sunne, into the
darke fhadow.

Euen as ones eyes glimmer and dazle when they
are withdrawne out of the light into darknefle : fo
are our thoughts / troubled & vexed when they are
retyred from labor to eafe, and from fkirmifhing
to furgerie.

You muft giue a wounded man leaue to grone
while he is in dreffing: Dreaming is no other
than groaning, while fleepe our furgeon hath vs in
cure.

He that dreams merily is like a boy new breetcht.

236 THE TERRORS

who leapes and daunceth for ioy his pain is paft :
but long that ioy ftayes not with him, for prefently
after his matter the day feeing him fo iocund and
pleafant, comes and dooes as much for him againe,
whereby his hell is renued.

No fuch figure of the firft Chaos whereout the
world was extraught, as our dreames in the night.
In them all ftates, all fexes, all places are con-
founded and meete together.

Our cogitations runne on heapes like men to
part a fray, where euerie one ftrikes his next
fellow. From one place to another without
confultation they leap, like rebells bent on a
head. Souldiers iuft vp and downe they imitate
at the facke of a Citie, which fpare neither age
nor beautie: the yong, the old, trees, fteeples &
mountaines, they confound in one gallimafrie.

Of thofe things which are moft knowne to vs
fome of vs that haue moyft braynes make to our-
felues images of memorie : on thofe images of
memorie whereon we buyld in the daye, comes
fome fuperfluous humour of ours, lyke a lacke-
anapes in the night, and ereds a puppet-ftage, or
fome fuch ridiculous idle childifh inuention.

A Dreame is nothing els but the Eccho of our
conceipts in the day.

But / other-while it fals out, that one Eccho
borrowes of another : fo our dreames (the Ecchoes

OF THE NIGHT. 2,37

of the day) borrow of anie noyfe we heare in the
night.

As for example, if in the dead of the night there
be anie rumbUng, knocking, or difturbance neere
vs, we ftraight dream of warres, or of thunder. If
a dogge howle, we fuppofe we are tranfported into
hell, where we heare the complaint of damned
ghofts. If our heads lye double or vneafie, we
imagine we vphold all heauen with our fhoulders
like Atlas. If wee be troubled with too manie
clothes, then we fuppofe the night mare rides vs.

I knew one that was crampt, and hee dreamt
that hee was torne in peeces with wylde horfes ;
and another, that hauing a blacke fant brought to
his bed fide at mid night, dreamt he was bidden
to dinner at Iron-mongers Hall.

Anie meate that in the day time we eat againft
our ftomackes, begetteth a difmall dreame. Dis-
content alfo in dreames hath no little predomi-
nance: for euen as from water that is troubled,
the mud difperfingly afcendeth from the bottome
to the top ; fo when our blood is chafed, difquieted
and troubled, all the light imperfed humours of
our bodie, afcend like mud vp aloft into the
head.

The cleareft fpring a little tucht, is creafed wyth
a thoufand circles : as thofe momentarie circles for
all the world, fuch are our dreames. When all

238 THE TERRORS

is faid, melancholy is the mother of dreames, and
of all terrours of the night whatfoeuer.

Let / it but affirme it hath feene a fpirit (though
it be but the moon-fhine on the wall) the beft
reafon wee haue cannot infringe it.

Of this melancholy there be two forts ; one that
digefted by our liuer fwimmeth like oyle aboue
water, & that is rightly tearmed Women's melan-
choly, which lafteth but for an houre, and is (as it
were) but a coppie of their countenance : the other
finketh downe to the bottome like the lees of the
wine, and that corrupteth all the blood, and is the
caufe of lunacie. Well moderated recreations are
the medicine to both: furfet or excefliue ftudie
the caufes of either.

There were gates in Rome, out of which nothing
was carried but duft and dung, and men to execu-
tion : fo manie of the gates of our fenfes ferue for
nothing but to conueigh out excrementall vapors,
& afrighting deadly dreames, that are worfe than
executioners vnto vs.

Ah woe be to the folitarie man that hath his
linnes continually about him, that hath no with-
drawing place from the diuell and his temptations.

Much I wonder how treafon and murder dis-
penfe with the darknes of the night, how they can
fhriue themfelues to it, and not raue and die. Me
thinkes they fhuld imagine that hell imbraceth

OF THE NIGHT. 239

them round, when fhe ouer fpreads them with her
blacke pitchie mantle.

Dreames to none are fo fearfull, as to thofe
whofe accufing priuate guilt expedts mifchiefe
euerie hower for their merit. WonderfuU fuper-
flitious are fuch perfons in obferuing euerie
accident that befalls them : and that their fuper-
ftition is as good as an hundred furies to torment /
them. Neuer in this world fliall he enioy one
quiet day, that once hath giuen himfelfe ouer to
be her flaue. His eares cannot glow, his nofe itch,
or his eyes fmart, but his deftinie ftands vpon her
triall, and till fhe bee acquited or condemned, he
is miferable.

A cricket or a rauen [will] keepe him fortie
times in more awe than God or the Diuell.

If he chance to kUl a fpider, he hath fupprefled
an enemie ; if a fpinner creepe vppon him, hee
Ihall haue golde raine downe from heauen : if his
nofe bleede, fome of his kinsfolkes is dead : if the
fait fall right againft him, all the ftarres cannot
faue him from fome immediate misfortune.

The firft Witch was Prqferpine, and fhe dwelt
halfe in heauen and halfe in hell : halfe witches
are they that pretending anie Religion, meddle
halfe with God, and halfe with the diuell. Med-
ling with the diuell I call it, when ceremonies are
obferued, which haue no groimd from Diuinitie.

240 THE TERRORS

In another kinde witches may be faid to meddle
halfe with God and halfe with the Diuell, becaufe
in their Exorcifmes they vfe halfe Scripture, and
halfe blafphemie.

The greateft and notableft heathen forcerers that
euer were, in all their hellifh adiurations, ufed the
name of the one true and euer-liuing God : but
fuch a number of damned poteftates they ioined
with him, that it might feeme the ftarres had
darkned the Sunne, or the Moone was eclipfed by
candle-light.

Of all Countries vnder the Skie, Perjia was
moft ad / didted vnto Dreames. Darius King of
the Medes and Perjians before his fatal! difcom-
fiture, dreamt hee faw an Eftritch with a winged
crowne ouer-running the earth, and deuouring his
luel -coffer, as if it had beene an ordinarie peece of
yron. That luel-coffer was by Alexander- furprifed,
and afterward Homers Workes in it carried before
him, euen as the Mace or Purfe is cuftomably
carried before our Lord Chancelor.

Hannibal dreamed a little before his death, that
hee was drowned in the poyfonous Lake Afphalites,
when it was prefently his hap within fome few
dayes diftance, to feeke his fate by the fame meanes
in a vault vnder earth.

In India the women verie often conceiue by
diuells in their fleepe.

OF THE NIGHT. 241

In IJland (as I haue read and heard) fpirites in
lykenefTe of ones father or mother after they are
deceafed, doo conuerfe with them as naturally, as if
they were liuing.

Other fpirites like rogues they haue among
them, deftitute of all dwelling and habitation, and
they chillingly complayne if a Conftable alke them
Cheuela in the night, that they are going to Mount
Hecla to warme them.

That Mount Hecla a number conclude to bee
hell mouth : for neere vnto it are heard fuch
yellings and groanes, as Ixion, 'Titius, Sijiphus, and
Tantalus blowing all in one trumpet of diftrefle,
could neuer conioyned bellowe foorth.

Bond /men in Turkey or in Sfaine are not fo
ordinarilye fold, as witches fell familiars there.
Farre cheaper maye you buy a winde amongft
them, than you can buy wine or faire words in the
Court. Three knots in a thred, or an odde gran-
dame bleffing in the corner of a napkin, will carrie
you all the world ouer.

Wee when we frowne knit our browes, but let
a wizard there knit a noofe or a riding fnarle
on his beard, & it is haile, ftorme and tempeft a
month after.

More might be fpoken of the prodigies this
countrey fendes foorth, if it were not too much
erring from my fcope. Whole Hands they haue

N. III. 16

242 THE TERRORS

of yce, on which they build and traffique as on
the maine land.

Admirable (aboue the reft) are the incomprehen-
fible wonders of the bottoralefle Lake Vether, ouer
which no fowle flies but is frozen to death, nor
anie man pafTeth but he is fenfelefly benummed
like a ftatue of marble. All the inhabitants round
about it are deafned wyth the hideous roring of
his waters when the winter breaketh vp, & the yce
in his diflbluing giues a terrible cracke like to
thunder, when as out of the midft of it (as out of
Mont-Gibell) a fulphureous ftinking fmoak ilTues,
that welnigh poyfons the whole Countrey.

A poyfon light on it, how come I to digrefle to
fach a dull, Lenten Northren Cl'yme, where there
is nothing but ftock-fifh, whetftones and cods-
heads ? Yet now I remember me, I haue not loft
my way fo much as I thoght, for my theame is
The terrors of the Night, and IJland is one of the
chiefe kingdomes of the night ; they hauing fcarce
fo much day there, as will ferue a child to aflc
his father[s] / bleffing. Marry with one commoditie
they are bleft, they haue Ale that they carry in
their pockets lyke glue, and euer when they would
drinke, they fet it on the fire and melt it.

It is reported, that the Pope long fince gaue
them a difpenfation to receiue the Sacrament in
ale, infomuch as for their vnceftant frofts there,

OF THE NIGHT. 243

no wine but was turned to red emayle, as foone
as euer it came amongft them. Farewell froft:
as much to fay, as farewell Ifland, for I haue no
more to fay to thee.

I care not much if I dream yet a little more :
& to fay the troth, all this whole Traftate is but
a dreame, for my wits are not halfe awaked in
it ; & yet no golden dreame, but a leaden dreame
is it ; for in a leaden ftandifli I ftand fifhing all
day, but haue none of Saint Peters lucke to bring
a fifti to the hooke that carries any filuer in the
mouth. And yet there be of them that carrie
filuer in the mouth too, but none in the hand:
that is to fay, are verie bountifuU and honorable
in their words, but except it be to fweare indeed,
no other good deedes comes from them.

Filthie Italionat complement-mungers they are,
who would faine be counted the Courts Gloriofos,
and the refined iudges of wit ; " when if their
wardrops and the withred bladders of their braines
were well fearcht, they haue nothing but a fewe
moath-eaten cod-peece futes (made againft the
comming of Mounjier) in the one, and a few fcraps
of out-landifh prouerbes in the other : and thefe
alone doo buckler them from the name of beggers
and idiots. Other-while perhaps they maye keep
a coyle with / the fpirit of "Tajfo, and then they
folde their armes like Braggarts, writhe their

244 THE TERRORS

neckes alia Neapolitano, and turne vp their eye-
balls like men intraunced.

Come, come, I am entraunced from my Text I
wote well, and talke idlely in my fleepe longer
than I fhould : thofe that will harken any more
after Dreames, I referre them to ArtimidoruSy
Synejius, & Cardan, with many others which onely
I haue heard by their names, but I thanke God
had neuer the plodding patience to reade, for if they
bee no better than fome of them I haue perufed,
euery weatherwife old wife might write better.

What fenfe is there that the yoalke of an egge
fhould fignifie gold, or dreaming of Beares, or fire,
or water, debate and anger, that euerything muft
bee interpreted backward as Witches fay their
Pater-nofler, good being the charadler of bad,
and bad of good.

As well we may calculate from euery accident
in the day, and not goe about any bufines in the
morning till we haue feene on which hand the
Crow fits.

O Lord I haue heard many a wife Gentlewoman
fay, I am fo merry, and haue laught fo hartily,
that I am fure ere long to bee crofl: with fome
fad tydinges or other ; all one as if men comming
from a Play fhould conclude. Well we haue feene
a Commedie to-day, and therefore there cannot
choofe but be a Tragedie to morrow.

OF THE NIGHT. 245

I doo not deny but after extremity of myrth,
followe many fad accidents, but yet thofe fad
accidents (in my pinion) wee meerely pluck[t] on
with the feare of comming mifchiefe, and thofe
meanes wee in poUicie moft vfe to preuent it,
fooneft enwrappe vs in it, and that was Sathans /
tricke in the old world of gentillifme to bring to
pafle all his blind Prophecies.

Could any men fet downe certaine rules of
expounding of Dreames, and that their rules were
generall, holding in all as well as in fome, I would
beginne a litle to lift to them, but commonly that
which is portentiue in a King is but a friuolous
fancie in a beggar, and let him dreame of Angels,
Eagles, Lyons, Griffons, Dragons neuer fo, all the
augurie vnder heauen will not allot him fo much
as a good almes.

Some will obieft vnto mee for the certainety of
Dreames, the Dreames of Cyrus, CambyTes, Pampey,
Cafar, Darius, & Alexander. For thofe I anfwer,
that they were rather vifions than Dreames, ex-
traordinarily fent from heauen to foreftiew the
tranflation of Monarchies.

The Greeke and Romane hiftories are full of
them, and fuch a ftirre they - keepe with their
Augurers and Soothfayers, how they foretold long
before by Dreames and beafts and birds intrayles,
the lofle of fuch a battaile, the death of fuch a

246 THE TERRORS

Captaine or Emperour, when falfe knaues, they
were all as Prophet Calchas, pernitious Traytors
to their Country and them that put them in truft,
and were many times hyred by the aduerfe part
to difharten and difcourage their Mafters by fuch
Conycatching Riddles as might in truth be turned
any way.

An eafie matter was it for them to prognofticate
treafons and confpiracies, in which they were
vnderhand inlincked themfelues, & howeuer the
world went it was a good poUicie for them to
faue their heades by the fhift, for if the treafons
chaunft afterwards to come to light, it would / not
be fufpedted they were pradtifers in them, info-
much as they reueald them, or if they fhould by
theyr confederates be appealed as pradlifers, yet
might they plead and pretend it was done but of
fpite and mallice to fupplant them for fo bewraying
and laying open their intents.

This tricke they had with them befides, that
neuer till the verie inftant that anie treafon was
to be put in execution, and it was fo neere at hand
that the Prince had no time to preuent it, would
they fpeake one word of it, or offer to difclofe it :
yea and euen then fuch vnfit feafons for their
colourable difcouerie would they picke foorth, as
they would be fure he fhould haue no leafure to
attend it.

OF THE NIGHT. 247

But you will afke why at all as then they
fhould ftep foorth to deted it ? Marry to cleare
themfelues to hys fucceflbrs, that there might bee
no reuenge profecuted on their liues.

So did Spurina the great Aftrologer: euen as
C^Jar in the midft of all his bufines was going
haftely to the Senate houfe, he popt a bill in his
hand of Brutus and CaJJius confpiracie, and all the
names of thofe that were colleagued with them.

Well he might haue thought that in fuch haft
by the highway fide, he would not ftay to perufe
any fchedules, and well he knew and was affer-
tained, that aflbone as euer he came into the
Capitoll, the bloudie deed was to be accom-
plifhed.

Shall I impart vnto you a rare fecrecy how thefe
great famous Coniurers and cunning men afcend
by degrees / to foretell fecrets as they doo, Firft
and formoft they are men which haue had fome
litde fprinkling of Grammer learning in their
youth ; or at leaft I will allowe them to haue
been Surgeons or Apothecaries prentifes, thefe
I fay hauing runne through their thrift at the
elbowes, and riotouflie amongft harlots and make-
fhifts fpent the annuitie of halfpennie ale that
was left them, fall a beating their braynes how
to botch vp an eafie gainfuU trade, & fet a new
nap on an old occupation.

248 THE TERRORS

Hereupon prefently they rake fome dunghil for
a few durtie boxes and plaifters, and of tofted
cheefe and candles ends, temper vp a fewe oynt-
ments and firrups: which hauing done, 'farre
North, or into fome fuch rude fimple countrcy
they get them, and fet vp.

Scarce one month haue they ftaid there, but
what with their vaunting and prating, and fpeaking
fuftian in fteede of Greeke, all the Shyres round
about do ring with their fame : and then they
begin to get them a Library of three or foure old "
ruftie manufcript books, which they themfelues
nor anie els can read ; and furnifh their fhops
with a thoufand quid fro quos, that would choake
anie horfe : befides, fome waft trinkets in their
chambers hung vp, which maye make the world
halfe in iealouzie they can coniure.

They will euermore talke doubtfully, as if
there were more in them than they meant to
make publique, or was appliable to euerie common
mans capacitie : when God bee their rightfull
Judges, they vtter all that they know and a great
deale more.

To knit vp their knaueries in fhort (which in
footh is / the hang-mans office, & nones els)
hauing pickt vp theyr crummes thus pretely well
in the Countrey, they drawe after a time a little
neerer and neerer to London ; and at length into

OP THE NIGHT. 249

London they filtch themfelues priuely : but how ?
Not in the hart of the Cittie will they prefume
at firft dafh to hang out their rat-banners, but
in the Ikirtes and out-ihifts fteale out a figne
ouer a Coblers ftall, lyke Aqua-vitae fellers and
flocking menders.

Manie poore people they win to beleeue in
them, who haue not a barreld Herring or a peece
of poore lohn that lookes ill on it, but they will
bring the water that he was fteept in vnto them
in an vrinall, & craue their iudgment whether he
be rotte, or merchant & chapmanable or no. The
brute of their cunning thus trauelling fro ale houfe
to Ale houfe, at length is tranfported in the great
hikes of one or other countrey Seruing-mans fwopd
to fome good Tauerne or Ordinarie : where it is
no fooner arriued, but it is greedily fnatcht vp
by fome dappert Mounfier Diego, who Hues by
telling of newes, & falfe dice, and it may be hath
a pretie infight into the cardes alfo, together with
a little Ikill in his Jacobs ftafFe, and hys Compafle :
being able at all times to difcouer a new paflage
to Virginia.

This needie Gallaunt (with the qualities afore-
faid) ftraight trudgeth to fome Noble-mans to
dinner, & there enlargeth the rumor of this newe
Phifition, comments vpon euerie glafle and vioU
that he hath, rayleth on our Galenifts, and calls

250 THE TERRORS

them dull gardners and hay-makers in a mans
belly, compares them to dogs, who when they are
fick eate grafle, and faies they are no better than
pack / or malt horfes, who if a man fhould knock
out their brains will not goe out of the beaten
high way; wheras his horfleach will leap ouer
the hedge & ditch of a thoufand Diojcorides and
Hippocrates, and giue a man twentie poyfons in
one, but he would reftore him to perfit health.
With this ftrange tale the Noble-man inflamed,
defires to bee acquainted with him : what does
me he, but goes immediately and breaks with this
mountebanke, telling him if he will diuide his
gains with him, he will bring him in cuftome with
fuch and fuch States, and he fhall bee countenanft
in the Court as he wold defire. The hungrie
druggier, ambitious after preferment, agrees to
anything, and to Court he goes ; where being
come to enterview, hee fpeaks nothing but broken
Englifh like a French Doftor, preteding to haue
forgotte his naturall tung by trauell, when he hath
neuer been farther than either the Lowe Countries
or Ireland, inforced thether to flye either for get-
ting a maid with child, or marrying two wiues.
Suffifeth he fet[s] a good face on it, & will fweare
he can extraft a better Balfamum out of a chip
than the Balm of lud^a: yea, all receipts and
authors you can name he fyllogizeth of, & makes

OF THE NIGHT. 251

a piih at in comparifon of them he hath feen and
read : whofe names if you alke, hee claps you in
the mouth with halfe a dozen fpruce titles, neuer
til he inueted them heard of by any Chriftian.
But this is moft certaine, if he be of any fed:, he
is a mettle-bruing Paracelfian, hauing not paft one
or two Probatums for al difeafes. But cafe he be
called to pradtife, hee excufeth it by great cures he
hath in hand ; & will not encounter an infirmity
but in the declining, that his credit may be more
autetical or / els when by fome fecret intelligence
hee is throughlie inftruded of the whole procefle
of his vnrecouerable extremitie, he comes grauely
marching like a ludge, and giues peremptorie
fentence of death; whereby he is accounted a
Prophet of deepe prefcience.

But how he comes to be the diuells fecretarie,
all this long tale vnrips not.

In fecret be it fpoken, he is not fo great with
the deuill as you take it. It may be they are
neere a kinne, but yet you haue manie kindred
that will doo nothing for one another; no more
will the diuell for him, except it is to damne him.

This is the Tittle eft amen of it : that when he
wexeth ftale, and all his pifpots are crackt and
wil no longer hold water, he fets vp a coniuring
fchoole, and vndertakes to play the baud to Ladie
Fortune.

2S2 THE TERRORS

Not a thiefe or a cut purfe, but a man that hee
keepes doth aflbciate with, & is of their fraternitie;
only that his mafter when any thing is ftoln may
tell who it is that hath it. In petie trifles hauing
gotten fome credit, great Peeres entertaine him for
one of their priuie counfaile, and if they haue anie
daungerous enterprife in hand, they confult with
him about fuccefle.

All malcontents entending anie inuafiue violence
againft their Prince and Countrey runne head long
to his oracle. Contrarie faftions enbofome vnto
him their inwardeft complots, whileft he like a
craftie lacke a both fides, as if he had a fpirite
ftill at his elbow, reciprocallie embowelleth to
the one what the other goes about; receiuing
no intelligence from anie familiar, but their
own mouths. / I afTure you moft of our chiefe
noted Augurers and Soothfayers in England at
this day, by no other Arte but this gaine their
reputation.

They may verie well picke mens purfes, like
the vnfkilfuller coufning kind of Alchumifts, with
their artificiall and ceremoniall Magicke, but no
efFeft ftiall they atchieue thereby, though they
would hang themfelues: the reafon is, the diuell
of late is growen a puritane, and cannot away with
anie ceremonies ; he fees all Princes haue left off
their States, and hee leaues off his ftate too, and

OF THE NIGHT. 253

will not be inuocated with fuch folemnity as he
was wont.

Priuate and difguifed he paffeth too and fro,
and is in a thoufand places in an houre.

Faire words cannot anie longer beguile him, for
not a cue of curtfie will he doo anie man, except it
be vpon a flat bill of fale ; and fo he chaiFers with
wyfards and witches euerie howre.

Now the world is almoft at an end, he hath
left forme and is all for matter; and like an
Embroyderer or a Tailer he maketh haft of
worke againft a good time, which is the day of
iudgement : therefore you goodmen exorcifers
his olde acquaintance muft pardon him, though
(as heretofore) he ftay not to dwell vpon com-
plements.

In diebus illis when Corineus and Gogmagog were
little boyes, I will not gainfaye but hee was wont to
left and fport wyth countrey people, and play the
good fellowe amongft kitchin-wenches, fitting in
an euening by the fire fide making of poflets, and
come a wooing to them in the likenes of a cooper,
or a curmogionly purchafer : & fome / times he
would drefl"e himfelfe like a Barbar, & wafti and
fhaue all thofe that laye in fuch a chamber : other-
while like a ftale cutter of Queen hyue, hee would
iuftle men in their owne houfes, pluck them out
of bed by the heeles, and daunce in chaynes from

254 THE TERRORS

one chamber to another : now there is no goodnes
in him but miferablenes and couetoufnes.

Sooner he will pare his nayles cleanly, than
caufe a man to dreame of a pot of golde, or a
money bag that is hid in the eaues of a thatcht
houfe.

(Heere it is to bee noted, that it is a blefled
thing but to dreame of gold, though a man
neuer haue it.)

Such a dreame is not altogether ridiculous or
impertinent, for it keepes flefh and bloud from
defpaire: all other are but as duft we raife by
our fteps; which awhyle mounteth aloft, and
arinoyeth our ey-fight, but prefently difperfeth
and vanifheth.

Senior Sathan when he was a yong ftripling,
and had not yet gotten perfedt audacity to fet
vpon vs in the day time, was a fly Polititian in
dreames ; but thofe dayes are gone with him,
and now that he is thoroughly fteeled in his
fcutcherie, hee playes aboue-boord boldly, &
Iweeps more flakes than euer he did before.

I haue rid a falfe gallop thefe three or foure
pages ; now I care not if I breathe mee, and
walke foberly and demurely halfe a dozen turnes,
like a graue Citizen going about to take the
ay re.

To make a fhaft or a bolt of this drumbling

OF THE NIGHT. 255

fubiedt of dreames, from whence I haue bin toft
off and on I know not how ; this is my definitiue
verdit : that one may afwel by / the fmoke
that comes out of a kitchen geffe what meat is
there a broach, as by paraphrafing on fmokie
dreames praeominate of future euents. Thus far
notwithftanding He go with them ; Phifitions by
dreames may better difcerne the diftemperature
of their pale clients, than either by vrine or
ordure.

He that is inclining to a burning feuer fhall
dreame of frayes, lightning and thunder, of
flcirmifhing with the diuell, and a hundred fuch
like. He that is fpyced with the gowte or the
dropfie, frequently dreameth of fetters & manacles,
and being put on the bilbowes, that his legges
are turned to marble or adamant, and his feet
like the giants that fcal'd heauen kept vnder with
Mount OJfa and Peleon, and earft while that they
are faft locked in quagmyres. I haue heard aged
mumping beldams as they fat warming their
knees ouer a coale fcratch ouer the argument
verie curioufly, and they would bid yong folks
beware on what day they par'd their nayles,
tell what luck euerie one fhould haue by the
day of the weeke he was borne on ; fhow how
many years a man fhould Hue by the number of
wrinkles on his forhead, and ftand defcanting

256 THE TERRORS

not a litle of the difference in fortune when they
are turnd vpward, and when they are bent down-
ward ; him that had a wart on his chin, they
would confidently affertaine he fhould haue no
need of anie of his kin : marry they would like-
wife diftinguifh betweene the ftanding of the wart
on the right fide and on the left. When I was
a little childe, I was a great auditor of theirs,
and had all their witchcrafts at my fingers endes,
as perfit as good morrow and good euen.

Of/ the fignification of dreames, whole cata-
logues could I recyte of theirs, which heere there
is no roome for : but for a glance to this pur-
pofe, this I remember they would verie foberly
affirme, that if one at fupper eate birds, he fhould
dreame of flying ; if fifh, of fwimming ; if venifon
of hunting, and fo for the reft : as thogh thofe
birds, fifli, and venifon beeing dead and difgefted,
did flie, fwim and hold their chafe in their
braynes ; or the folution of our dreames fhould
be nought els but to expreffe what meates we
eate ouer-night.

From the vnequall and repugnant mixture of
contrarious meates I iumpe with them, manie of
our myftie cogitations proceede : and euen as fire
maketh yron like it felfe, fo the firie inflamma-
tions of our liuer, or ftomack transforme our
imaginations to their analagie and likenefTe.

OF THE NIGHT. 257

No humor in generall in our bodies ouerflowing
or abounding, but the tips of our thoughts are
dipt in hys tindture. And as when a man is
readie to drowne, hee takes hold of anie thing
that is next him : fo our flutring thoughts, when
wee are drowned in deadly fleepe, take hold,
and coefTence themfelues with anie ouerboyling
humour which fourfeth hieft in our ftomackes.

What heede then is there to be had of dreames,
that are no more but the confufed giddie adion
of our braines, made drunk with the innundation
of humors ?

lufl: fuch like impoftures as is this Art of ex-
pofition of dreames, are the artes of Phifiognomie
and Palmeftrie ; wherein who beareth moft palme
and praife, is the palpableft / foole and Crepundio.
Lines there anie fuch flowe yce-braind beefe-
witted gull, who by the riueld barke or outward
rynde of a tree will take vpon him to fore-
fpeak how long it fhall ftand, what mifchances
of wormes, caterpillers, boughs breaking, frofl
bitings, cattells rubbing againft, it fliall haue ?
As abfurd is it, by the external branched feames
or furrowed wrinckles in a mans face or hand,
in particular or generall to coniedture and fore-
doome of his fate.

According to euerie ones labor or exercife, the
palme of his hand is wrythen and pleyted, and

N. III. 17

258 THE TERRORS

euerie daye alters as he alters his employments
or paftimes: wherfore well may we colleft, that
he which hath a hand fo brawned and enter-lined,
vfeth fuch and fuch toyles or recreations ; but for
the minde or difpofition, we can no more looke
into through it, than wee can into a looking Glaffe
through the woodden cafe thereof

So alfo our faces, which fundrie times with
furfets, greefe, ftudie, or intemperaunce, are moft
deformedlye welked and crumpled; there is no
more to bee gathered by their fharpe emboffed
loyners anticke worke, or ragged ouer hangings
or pit-falls ; but that they haue beene layd vp
in flouens prefle, and with mifcarriage and mis-
gouernment are fo fretted and galled.

My owne experience is but fmall, yet thus
much I can fay by his warrantize, that thofe
fatall brands of phifiognomie which condemne men
for fooles, and for idiots, and on the other fide
for trecherous circumuenters and falfe brothers,
haue in a hundred men I know been verefied
in the contrarie.

So / Socrates (the wifeft man of Greece) was
cenfured by a wrinckle-wyzard for the lumpilheft
blockhead that euer went vpon two legs : whome
though the Philofopher in pitie vouchfafed with a
nyce diftindiion of Art and nature to rayfe and
recouer, when he was vtterly confounded with

OF THE NIGHT. 259

a hlffe and a laughter, yet fure his infolent fim-
plicity might lawfully haue fu'd out his patent
of exemption ; for he was a forlorne creature,
both in difcretion and wit-craft.

Will you haue the fumme of all : forae fubtill
humorift, to feede fantafticke heads with innoua-
tions and nouelties, firft inuented this trifling
childiftv glofe vppon dreames and phifiognomie ;
wherein he ftroue onely to boaft him felfe of a
pregnant probable conceipt beyond philofophie
or truth.

Let but anie man who is moft conuerfant in the
fuperftition of dreames, reckon me one that hath
hapned iuft ; and He fet downe a Hundred out
of Hiftories, that haue periflied to foolerie.

To come to late dayes ; Lewes the xj. dreamt
that he fwam in blood on the toppe of the Alpes :
which one Father Robert (a holy Hermit of his
time) interpreted to be prefent death in his next
warres against Italy : though hee liu'd and pros-
perd in all his enterprifes a long whyle after.

So Charles the fifth fayling to the fiege of
Tunis, dreamt that the Citie met him on the fea
like an Argofie, and ouerwhelmed his whole
Nauie .' when by Cornelius Agrifpa the great
Coniurer (who went along with him) it was
expounded to be the ouerthrow of that famous
expedition./ And thereupon Agrifpa oiFred the

26o THE TERRORS

Emperor (if it pleafed him) to blowe vp the Citie
by Art Magicke in the ayre before his eyes,
without anie farther ieopardie of warre or befieg-
ing. The Emperor vtterly refufed it and faid,
Since it was Gods warres againft an Infidel, he
would neuer borrow aid of the diuell.

Some haue memorized, that Agripfa feeing his
counfaile in that cafe reiefted, and that the Em-
perour (notwithftanding his vnfortunate prefage)
was profperous and fuccefsfuU, within a few dayes
after dyed franticke and defperate.

Alfhonfo King of Naples in like cafe, before the
rumor of the French Kings comming into Italy,
had a vifion in the night prefented vnto him of
Mneas ghoaft hauing Turnus in chafe, & luno
Pronuba comming betwixt them, and parting
them ; whereby hee geft that by marriage their
iarring Kingdomes fhould be vnited : but far
otherwife it fell out ; for the French King came
indeed, and he was driuen thereby into fuch a
melancholy extafie, that he thought the verie
fowles of the ayre would fnatch his Crowne
from him ; and no bough or arbour that ouer-
fhadowd him, but enclofed him, and tooke him
prifner ; and that not fo much but the ftones
of the ftreet fought to iuftle him out of his
Throne.

Thefe examples I alledge, to proue there is

OF THE NIGHT. 261

no certaintie in dreames ; and that they are but
according to our deuifings and meditations in the
day time.

I confefle the Saintes and Martirs of the Primi-
tiue Church had vnfaMible dreames fore-running
their ends, as Policarpus and other : but thofe
efpecially proceeded from / heauen, and not from
anie vaporous dreggie parts of our blood or our
braines.

For this caufe the Turkes banilli Learning
from amongft them, becaufe it is euerie daye
fetting men together by the eares, mouing ftraunge
contentions, and alterations, and making his pro-
feflbrs fainthearted and effeminate. Much more
requifite were it that out of our ciuill Chriftian
Common-wealths we feuerely banifh and exter-
minate thofe fabulous commentaries on toyilh
fantafies, which feare-benum & effeminate the
harts of the ftouteft, caufe a man without any
ground to be iealous of his owne frends and his
kinsfolkes, and withdraw hym from the fearch
and infight into more excellent things, to ftand
all his whole life fifting and winnowing dry
rubbilh chaffe, whofe beft bottom quinteffence
prooues in the end but fandie grauell and
cockle.

Moleftations and cares inough, the ordinarie
courfe of our life tythes of his owne accord

?62 THE TERRORS

vnto vs, though we feeke not a knot in a bulrufh,
or ftuife not our night pillowes with thiftles to
encreafe our difturbance.

In our fleepe wee are agafted and terrified, with
the difordered fkirmifhing and conflidting of our
fenfitiue faculties : yet with this terror and agaft-
ment cannot wee reft ourfelues fatisfide, but we
muft purfue and hunt after a further feare in
the recordation and too bufie examining our
paines ouer-paffed.

Dreames in my minde if they haue anie pre-
monftrances in them, the preparatiue feare of that
they fo premonftrate and denounce, is far worfe
than the mifchiefe it felfe by them denounced and
premonftrated.

So / there is no long ficknefle but is worfe
than death, for death is but a blowe and awaye,
whereas ficknefle is like a Chancerie fute, which
bangs two or three yeare ere it can come to a
iudgement.

O a confumption is worfe than a Capias ad
Ligatum, to nothing can I copare it better, tha
to a repriue after a man is condemned, or to a
boy with his hoafe about his heeles, ready to be
whipt, to whom his mafter ftands preaching a
long time all law and no Gofpel, ere he proceed
to execution. Or rather it is as a man fliould
be rofted to death, and melt away by little and

OF THE NIGH2. 263

little, whiles Phifitions lyke Cookes ftand fluffing
him out with hearbes, and bafting him with this
oyle and that firrup.

I am of the opinion, that to be famifht to
death is farre better, for his paine in feauen or
eight dayes is at an end, whereas he that is in a
confumption, continues languifhing manie yeares
ere death haue mercie on him.

The next plague and the neereft that I know,
in affinitie to a confumption, is long depending
hope friuoloufly defeated, than which there is no
greater miferie on earth : & fo fer conjequens no
men in earth more miferable than courtiers. It
is a cowardly feare that is not refolute inough to
defpaire. It is like a pore hunger ftarvd wretch
at fea, who ftill in expedtation of a good voyage,
endures more miferies than lob. He that writes
this can tell, for he hath neuer had good voyage
in his life but one, & that was to a fortunate
blefled Hand, nere thofe pinacle rocks called the
Needles. O it is a purified Continent, & a fertil
plot fit to feat another Paradice, where or in no
place, the image of the ancient hofpitalitie is to be
found.

While / I Hue I will praife it and extoll it, for
the true magnificence and continued honourable
bountie that I faw there.

Farre vnworthie am I to fpend the leaft breath

264 THE TERRORS

of commendation in the extolling fo delightfuU and
pleafant a Tempe, or once to confecrate my inke
with the excellent mention of the thrice noble and
illuftrious Chieftaine vnder whom it is flouriihingly
gouerned.

That rare ornament of our Countrey, learned
Mafter Camden, whofe dcfertfull name is vniuer-
fally admyred throughout Chriftendome, in the laft
repolliflied Edition of his Brittania, hath moft
elaborate and exadly defcribed the fouereigne
plenteous fcituation of that He ; as alfo the in-
eftimable happines it inherites, it beeing patronizd
and carefully protedted by fo heroicall and coura-
gious a Commaunder.

Men that haue neuer tafted that full fpring of
his liberalitie, wherwich (in my moft forfaken
extremities) right gracioufly hee hath deigned to
reuiue and refrefh mee, may rafhly (at firft fight)
implead me of flatterie, and not eftecme thefe my
feruent tearmes as the necefTary repaiment of due
debt, but words idly begotten with good lookes,
and in an ouer-ioyed humour of vaine hope
flipt from me by chance : but therein they fhall
fhewe themfelues too vnciuill iniurious, both to
my deuoted obferuant dutie, and the condigne
deare purchafed merite of his glorie.

Too bafe a ground is this, whereon to em-
broyder the rich ftorie of his eternall renowme ;

OF THE NIGHT. 265

fome longer lyued Tradtate I referue for the full
blaze of his vertues, which here / onely in the
fparkes I decipher. Manie embers of encum-
braunces haue I at this time, which forbid the
bright flame of my zeale to mount aloft as it
would. Perforce I mufl: breake from it, fince
other turbulent cares fit as now at the ftearne of
my inuention. Thus I conclude with this chance
medley Parenthefis, that whatfoeuer minutes inter-
miffion I haue of calmed content, or leaft refpite to
call my wits together, principal! and immediate
proceedeth from him.

Through him my tender wainfcot ftudie doore
is deliuered from much aflault and battrie :
through him I looke into, and am looked on
in the world: from whence otherwife I were a
wretched banilhed exile. Through him all my
good (as by a conduit head) is conueighed vnto
me ; and to him all my endeuours (like riuers)
fhall pay tribute as to the Ocean.

Did Quid entitle Cams a Noble-man of Rome,
the onely conilant frend hee had, in his vngratefull
extrufion amongft the Getes : and writ to him
thus,

Qmi quod es id vere Care vocaris.

And in another Elegie,

O mihi pod nullos Care memorande fodales ?

266 THE TERRORS

Much more may I acknowledge all redundant
proftrate vaflailage to the royall defcended Familie
of the Careys : but for whom, my fpirit long ere
this had expyred, and my pen feru'd as a puniard
to gall my owne hart.

Why doc I vfe fo much circumftance, and in
a ftreame on which hone but gnats and flies doo
fwimme, found Fames trumpet like "Triton, to call
a number of fooliih IkifFes and light cock-boates
to parley ?

Feare (if I be not deceiud) was the laft pertinent
matter I had vnder my difpling ; from which I
feare I haue flirayed beyond my limits : and yet
feare hath no limits, for to hell and beyond hell,
it finkes downe and penetrates.

But this was my pofition, that the feare of
anie expedted euill, is worfe than the euill it felfe ;
which by dyuers comparifons I confirmed.

Now to vifions and apparitions againe, as faft
as I can trudge.

The glafles of our fight (in the night) are like
the profpeftiue glafles one Hoftius made in Rome,
which reprefented the images of things farre
greater than they were : each moate in the
darke they made a monfter, and euerie fleight
glimmering a giant.

A folitarie man in his bed, is like a poore bed-
red lazar, lying by the highway fide ; vnto whofe

OF THE NIGHT. 267

difplaied wounds and fores a number of flinging
flyes doo fwarme for paftance and beuerage : his
naked wounds are his inward hart-griping woes,
the wafpes and flyes his idle wandering thoughts ;
who to that fecret fmarting pain he hath alreadie,
do adde a further fl:ing of impatience, and new
lanch his fleeping griefes and vexations.

Queftionlefle this is an vnrefutable confequence,
that the riian who is mocked of his fortune, he
that hath confumed his braines to compaffe pro-
fperitie, and meetes with no counteruaylement in
hir likenefle, but hedge wine and leane mutton,
and peraduenture fome halfe eid good looks that
can hardly be difcerned from winking ; this
poore piteous perplexed mifcreant either final / lie
defpaire[s] ; or like a lanke frofl-bitten plant loofeth
hys vigor or fpirit by little and little : anie terror,
the leafl: illufion in the earth, is a Cacodamon vnto
him. His foule hath left his bodie ; for, why, it
is flying after thefe ayrie incorporeate Courtly
promifes, and glittring painted allurements ; which
when they vanilh to nothing, it lykewife vanifheth
with them.

Excefliue ioy no lefl'e hath his defediue and
ioylefl"e operations, the fpleene into water it
melteth ; fo that except it be fome momentarie
bubbles of mirth, nothing it yeelds but a cloying
furfet of repentance.

268 THE TERRORS

Diuers inftances haue we of men, whom too
much fodaine content and ouer-rauiflied delight
hath brought vntimely to their graues.

Foure or fiue I haue read of, whom the very
extremitie of laughter hath bereft of their Hues:
whereby I gather, that euen fuch another per-
nitious fweete, fuperfluous mirth is to the fence,
as a furfet of honnie to a mans ftomacke, than
the which there is nothing more dangerous.

Bee it as dangerous as it will, it cannot but be
an eafie kinde of death. It is like one that is
ftung with an Afpis, who in the midft of his paine
falls delighted afleepe, and in that fuauitie or
{lumber furrenders the ghoft : whereas hee whom
greefe vndertakes to bring to his end, hath his
hart gnawen in funder by little & little with
vultures, like Prometheus.

But this is nothing (you will obied) to our
iourneys ende of apparitions. Yes, altogether :
for of the ouerfwelling fuperabundance of ioy and
greefe, wee frame to / our felues moft of our
melancholy dreames and vifions.

There is an old Philofophicall common Prouerbe,
Vnufquijque fingit fortunam fibi, Euerie one ihapes
hys owne fortune as he lifts. More aptly may it
be faid, Euerie one fhapes his owne feares and
fancies as he lift.

In all points our brains are like the firmament.

OF THE NIGHT. 269

and exhale in euery refpedt the like grofe miftem-
pred vapors and meteors; of the more foeculent
combuftible ayrie matter whereof, afrighting formes
and monftrous images innumerable are created :
but of the flymie vnweeldier droffie part, dull
melancholy or droulines.

And as the firmament is ftill mouing and work-
ing, fo vncefTant is the wheeling and rolling on of
our braines ; which euerie hower are tempring
fome newe peece of prodigie or other, and tur-
moyling, mixing and changing the courfe of our
thoughts.

I write not this, for that I thinke there are no
true apparitios or prodigies, but to fhew how eafily
we may be flouted if we take not great heed, with
our own anticke fuppofitions. I will tell you a
ftrange tale tending to this nature : whether of
true melancholy or true apparition, I will not
take vpon me to determine.

It was my chance in Februarie laft to be in the
Countrey fome threefcore myle off from London ;
where a Gentleman of good worfhip and credit
falling ficke, the yerie fecond day of his lying
downe, hee pretended to haue miraculous waking
vifions: which before I enter to defcribe, thus
much I will informe ye by the way, that at the
reporting of them he was in perfedt memorie ; nor
had / ficknes yet fo tirannizd ouer him to make

270 THE TERRORS

his tongue grow idle. A wife graue fenfible man
he was euer reputed, and fo approou'd himfelfe
in all his aftions in his life time. This which I
deliuer (with manie preparatiue proteftations) to a
great Man of this Land hee confidently auouched :
beleeue it or condemne it, as you fhal fee caufe,
for I leaue it to be cenfured indifferently.

The firfl: day of his diftemprature, he vifibly
faw (as he affirmed) al his chamber hung with
fillcen nets and filuer hookes, the diuell (as it
fhould feeme) comming thether a fifhing ; where-
upon [he faid] euery [word ot] Pater nofter, while
he lookt whether in the nets he ftiould be entangled,
or with the hookes enfnared ; with the nets he feard
to be ftrangled or fmothred, & with the hooks
to haue his throat fcratcht out, and his flefh rent
and mangled : at length, he knew not how, they
fodainly vanifhed, and the whole chamber was
ckred. Next a copanie of lufty failers (euerie
one a fharker or a fwaggerer at the leaft) hauing
made a braue voyage, came caroufing and quaffing
in large filuer kans to his helth. Fellowes they
were that had good big pop mouths to crie Port
a helme Saint George, and knew as well as the
befl what belongs to haling of bolings yare, and
falling on the ftar-boord buttocke.

But to the ifTue of my tale : their drunken
proffers he vtterly put by, and fayd hee highly

OF THE NIGHT. 271

fcorned and detefted both them and their hellifh
difguifings : which notwithftanding, they toft their
cups to the fkies, and reeled and ftaggered vp
and downe the roome Hlce a fhip fliaking in the
winde.

After all they danft Luftie gallant, & a drunken
Danifh Laualto/or two, and fo departed. For
the third courfe, ruftit in a number of ftately diuels,
bringing in boyftrous chefts of maffie trefure
betwixt the. As braue they were as Turkifli
laniflaries, hauing their apparel all powdred with
gold and pearle, and their armes as it were be-
mayled with rich chaynes and bracelets ; but faces
far blacker than anie ball of Tobacco, great glaring
eyes that had whole ftielues of Kentifti oyfters in
them, and terrible wyde mouthes, whereof not one
of them, but would well haue made a cafe for
Molenax great Gloabe of the world.

Thefe louely youths and full of fauour, hauing
ftalkt vp and downe the iuft meafures of a fink-
apace, opened one of the principall chefts they
brought, and out of it pluckt a Princely royall
Tent, whofe empearled fhining canopie they
quickly aduanced on hie, and with ail artificiall
magnificence adorned like a ftate: which per-
formed, pompous Lucifer entred, imitating in goodly
ftature the huge pidture of Laocoon at Rome : who
fent vnto him a gallant Embafladour, fignifying

272 THE TERRORS

thus much, that if hee would ferue him, hee ihould
haue all the rich treafures that he faw there, or
anie farther wealth hee would defire.

The Gentleman returned this milde aunfwere,
that he knew not what he was, whether an Angell
or a wicked feend : and if an Angell, he was but
his fellow feruant, and no otherwife to be ferued
or regarded; if a fiend or a diuell, hee had nothing
to doo with him, for God had exalted and re-
deemed him aboue his defperate out-caft condition,
and a ftrong faith he had to defie & withftand
all / his iugling temptations. Hauing vttered
thefe words, all the whole traine of them inuifibly
auoyded, and hee neuer fet eye on them after.

Then did ther, for the third pageant, prefent
themfelues vnto him, an inueigling troupe of
naked Virgins, thrice more amiable and beautifull
than the bright Veftals, that brought in Auguftus
Teftament to the Senate, after hys deceafe : but no
Veftall-like Ornament had they about them ; for
from top to toe bare defpoyled they were, except
fome one or two of them that ware mafkes
before their faces, and had tranfparent azur'd '
lawne veyles before the chiefe iewell houfes of
their honour.

Such goodly luftfull Bonarobaes they were (by
his report) as if anie fharpe eyd Painter had been
there to perufe them, he might haue learned to

OF THE NIGHT. 273

exceed diuine Michel Angela in the true bofke of a
naked, or curious l!uns in quicke life, whom the
great mailers of that Art do terme the fprightly
old man.

Their haire they ware loofe vnrowled about
their fhoulders, whofe dangling amber trammells
reaching downe beneath their knees, feemed to
drop baulme on their delicious bodies; and euer
as they moou'd too and fro, with their light
windye wauings, wantonly to correft their ex-
quifite miftreffes.

Their daintie feete in their tender birdlike
trippings, enameld (as it were) the duftie ground ;
and their odoriferous breath more perfumed the
aire, than Ordinance would, that is charged with
Amomum, Muflce, Cyuet, and Amber-greece.

But to leaue amplifications and proceed: thofe
fweet / bewitching naked maides, hauing maiefti-
cally paced about the chamber, to the end their
naturall vnfhelled fhining mother pearle propor-
tions might be more imprintingly apprehended,
clofe to his bed-fide modeftly blufhing they ap-
proched, & made impudent prefer vnto him of
their lafciuious embraces. He obftinatly bent to
withftand thefe their fmfull allurements no leffe
than the former, bad them goe feek entertainment
of hotter bloods, for he had not to fatisfie them.
A cold comfort was this to poore wenches no

N. III. 18

274 THR TERRORS

better cloathed, yet they hearing what to truft too,
verie forrowfully retyred, and fhrunk away.

Lo in the fourth Act, there fallied out a graue
aflembly of fober attyred Matrones, much like the
Virgines of Marie Magdalens order in Rome, which
vowe neuer to fee man ; or the chafte daughters
of Saint Philip.

With no incontinent curtefie did they greet him,
but toide him, if fo hee thought good they would
praye for him.

Therupon, fro the beginning to the ending he
vnfolded vnto them, how he had been mightely
hanted with wicked illufions of late : but neuer-
theles, if he could be perfuaded that they were
Angels or Saintes, their inuocations could not hurt
him ; yea he would adde his defire to their re-
queftes, to make their prayers more penetrably
enforcing.

Without further parley, vppon their knees they
fell moft deuoutly, and for halfe an hower neuer
ceafed extenfiuely to interceffionate Gou for his
fpeedie recouerie.

Rifing / vp agayne on the right hand of his bed,
there appeared a cleare light, and with that he
might perceiue a naked {lender foote ofFring to
fteale betwixt the fheets in to him.

At which inftant, entred a mefTenger from a
Knight of great honour thereabouts, who fent him

OF THE NIGHT. 275

a moft precious extract quinteflence to drinke:
which no fooner he tafted, but he thought hee
faw all the fore-named Enterluders at once, hand
ouer head leap, plunge, & drowne themfelues in
puddles and ditches hard by, and hee felt perfeft eafe.
But long it lafted not with him, for within foure
howers after, hauing not fully fettled his eftate in
order, hee grewe to trifling dotage, and rauing dyde
within two dales following.

God is my witnefle, in all this relation, I borrowe
no eflential part from ftretcht out inuention, nor
haue I one iot abufde my informations ; onely for
the recreation of my Readers, whom loath to tyre
with a courfe home-fpunne tale, that (hould dull
them woorfe than Holland cheefe, heere and there
I welt and garde it with allufiue exornations and
comparifons : and yet me thinkes it comes off too
goutie and lumbring.

Bee it as it will, it is lyke tq haue no more
allowaunce of Englifh for mee. If the world will
giue it anie allowaunce of truth, fo it is : For then
I hope my excufe is alreadye lawfully cufl:omed
and authorized; fince Truth is euer drawne and
painted naked, and / I haue lent her but a
leathren patcht cloake at moft to keepe her
from the colde : that is, that ftie come not off
too lamely and coldly.

276 THE TERRORS

Vpon the accidentall occafion of this dreame
or apparition (call or mifcall it what you will, for
it is yours as freely as anie waft paper that euer
you had in your Hues) was this Pamphlet (no
bigger than an old Prasface) fpeedily botcht vp
and completed.

Are there anie doubts which remaine in your
mynde vndigefted, as touching this incredible
Narration I haue vnfolded? Well, doubt you
not, but I am milde and tradable, and will refolue
you in what I may.

Firft, the houfe where this Gentleman dwelt,
flood in a low marifti ground, almoft as rotten
a Clymate as the Lowe Countreyes ; where their
myftie ayre is as thicke as mould butter, and the
deaw lyes like froathie barme on the ground.

It was noted ouer and befides to haue been an
vnluckie houfe to all his predecefTors, fcituate in a
quarter not altogether exempted from witches.

The abrupt falling into his ficknefle was fus-
pitious, proceeding from no apparent furfet or
mifdiet. The outragious tyrannic of it in fo fliort
a time, bred thrice more admiration and wonder,
and his fodaine death incontinent enfuing vppon
that his difclofed dreame or vifion, might feeme
fome probable reafon to confirme it; fince none
haue fuch palpable dreames or vifions, but die
prefently after.

OF THE NIGHT. 277

The like to this was Mafter Allingtons vifion
in the beginning of her Maiefties raigne ; than
the which there is nothing / more ordinariHe
bruted. Through Greeke and Romane common-
places to this purport I could runne, if I were
difpofed to vaunt my felfe like a ridiculous
Pedant, of deepe reading in Fulgojius, Licqfthenes,
and Valerius.

Goe no farther than the Court, and they will
tell you of a mightie worthie man of this Land ;
who riding in his Coatch from London to his
houfcj was all the waye haunted with a couple
of Hogges, who followed him clofe, and doo
what his men could they might not driue them
from him : wherefore at night hee caufed them
to be fhut vp in a barne, and commanded milke
to be giuen them ; the barne dore was lockt,
and the key fafely kept, yet were they gone by
morning, and no man knew how.

A number of men there be yet liuing, who
haue been haunted by their wiues after their
death, about forfwearing themfelues, and vndooing
their children, of whom they promifed to be
carefull fathers : whereof I can gather no reafon
but this, that Women are borne to torment a man
both aliue and dead.

I haue heard of others likewife, that befide
thefe night terrors, haue been (for whole months

2/8 THE TERRORS

together whether foeuer they went or rid) purfued
by wefels and rats, and oftentimes with fquirrels
and hares ; that in the traueling of three hundred
myle, haue ftill wayted on their horfe heeles.

But thofe are onely the exploytes and ftratagems
of witches, which may well aftonifh a little at
firft fight, but if a man haue the leafl: heart
or fpirite to with-ftand one fierce blaft of their
brauadoes, he fhall fee them fhrinke fafter / than
Northren cloath, and out-ftrip time in daftardly
flight.

Fie, fie, was euer poore fellow fo farre benighted
in an old wiues tale of diuells and vrchins. Out
vpon it, I am wearie of it, for it hath caufed fuch
a thicke fulfome Serena to defcend on my braine,
that now my penne makes blots as broad as a
furd ftomacher, and my mufe infpyres me to put
out my candle and goe to bed : and yet I wyll
not neyther, till after thefe nights reuells, I haue
folemnly bid you good night, and fleep quietly
without afFrightment and annoyance.

Firfl: and formoft drinke moderately, and dice
and drabbe not away your money prodigally, and
then forfweare your felues to borrow more.

You that be pore mens children, know your
own fathers ; & though you can fliift & cheate
yourfelues into good cloathes here about Towne ;
yet bow your knees to their leathern bagges and

OF THE NIGHT. 279

ruflet coates, that they may blefle you from the
ambition of Tiburne.

You that beare the name of fouldiers, and liue
bafelie fwaggering in euerie ale-houfe, hauing no
other exhibition but from harlots and ftrumpets ;
feeke fome newe trade, and leaue whoring and
quarrelling, leaft befides the nightly guilt of your
owne banqurout confciences. Bridewell or New-
gate prooue the ende of your caueleering.

You, whofoeuer or wherefoeuer you be, that liue
by fpoyling and ouer-reaching yong Gentlemen,
and make but a fport to deride their fimplicities
to their vndooing, to /you the Night at one time
or other will proue terrible, except you foorthwith
thinke on reftitution : or if you haue not your
Night in this world, you will haue it in hell.

You that are married and haue wiues of your
owne, and yet hold too nere frendfhip with
your neighbours ; fet vp your refts, that tbfe
Night will be an il neighbour to your reft, and
that you ftiall haue as little peace of minde as
the reft. Therefore was 'Troy burnt by night,
becaufe Varis by night proftituted Helena, and
wrought fuch trefon to Prince Menelaus.

You that are Macheuilian vaine fooles, and
thinke it no wit or poUicie but to vowe and
proteft what you neuer meane, that trauell for
nothing els but to learne the vices of other

28o THE TERRORS

countries, and disfigure the ill Englifh faces that
God hath giuen you, with Tufcan glickes and
apifh trickes ; the night is for you with a blacke
faunt or a matachine, except you prefently turne
and conuert to the fimplicitie you were borne too.

You that can caft a man into an Italian ague
when you lift, and imitate with your diet drinkes
anie difeafe or infirmitie, the night likewife hath
an infernall to aft before yee.

Traitors that by night meete and confult how
to walke in the day vndifcouered, & thinke thofe
words of Chuift vainly fpoken, 'There is nothing
done in Jecret but Jhalbe reuealed and laid open :
to you no lefTe the night fhalbe as a night owle
to vexe and torment you.

And finallie, O you Judges and Magiftrates, if
there bee anye amongeft you, that doo wreft all
• the Lawe into / their owne hands, by drawing and
receyuing euery mans money into their hands,
and making newe golden lawes of their owne,
which nor Prince nor Parliament euer dreamed
of; that looke as iuft as lehouah by daye,
enthronizing graue zeale and religion on the
eleuated whites of their eyes, when by night
corrupt gifts and rewards rufti in at their gates
in whole Armies, like Northren Carriers comming
to their Inne ; that in fteede of their bookes
turne ouer their bribes, for the deciding of caufes.

OF THE NIGHT. 33 1

adiudging him the beft right, that brings the
richefl: prefent vnto them. If anie fuch there be
I fay, as in our Common-wealth I know none,
but haue read of in other States, let them looke
to haue a number of vnwelcome Clients of their
owne accufing thoughts and imaginations, that
will betray them in the night to euery idle feare
and illufion.

Therfore are the terrors of the night more
than of the day, becaufe the finnes of the night
furmount the finnes of the day.

By night time came the Deluge ouer the face
of the whole earth ; by night time ludas betrayed
Chrift ; Tarquin rauifht Lucretia.

When anie Poet would defcribe a horrible
Tragicall accident; to adde the more probabilitie
& credence vnto it, he difmally beginneth to
tell, how it was darke night when it was done,
and cheerfuU daylight had quite abandoned the
firmament.

Hence it is, that finne generally throughout
the fcripture is called the workes of darknefl"e ;
for neuer is the diuell fo bufie as then, and then
he thinkes he may afwel vndifcouered / walke
abroad, as homicides and outlawes.

Had we no more Religion than we might
deriue from heathen fables ; me thinkes thofe
dolefull ^uerrifters of the night, the Scritch-owle,

282 THE TERRORS OF THE NIGHT.

the Nightingale, and croking Frogs, might ouer-
awe vs from anie infolent tranfgreffion at that time.
The firft for her lauifh blabbing of forbidden
fecrets, being for euer ordayned to be a blabbe
of ill newes and misfortune, ftill is crying out
in our eares, that we are mortall, and muft die:
the fecond puts vs in minde of the end and
punifliment of luft & rauifhment ; and the third
and laft, that we are but flyme & mud, fuch as
thofe watrie creatures are bred of : and therefore
why fliould we delight to adde more to our
flyme & corruption, by extraordinarie furfets and
drunkennes.

But thefe are nothing neither in comparifon :
for hee whom in the day heauen cannot exhale,
the night wil neuer helpe : fhe onely pleading for
her old grandmother hell, as well as the day for
heauen.

Thus I fhut vp my Treatife, abruptly, that hee
who in the daye doth not good woorkes inough to
anfwere the obieftions of the night, will hardly
aunfwere at the daye of iudgement.

FINIS.

END OF VOL. III.

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