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AL 065,3^5

HARVARD COLLEGE
LIBRARY

THE BEQUEST OF

EVERT JAN SEN WENDELL

OF NEW YORK
1918

^_^j

'\VaA^ ttA^I A»^^>^tAA-4x, Z'

D. DINKELSPIEL

HIS GONVERSATIONINGS

GEORGE V. HOBART

Illustrated By

FREDERICK B. OPPER

NEW YORK
NEW AMSTERDAM BOOK COMPANY

MCM

- /._ I '■' .' '^ ^ <

V 0.0. J

HARVARD COLIEGE LIBRARY

rROM

THE BEQUEST OF

EVERT JANSEN WENDELL

1918

New Amsterdam Book Company

The United States of America and Great Britain.

Printtd in New York City, U.S.A.

THIS
TO MY LITTLE SON.

D. DINKELSPIEL

THE STORY OF HIS LIFE.

FIRST APPEARANCE

May, 1893.
In the Sunday Scimitar^ Cumberland, Md.

RE-APPEARED

June, 1896.

In the Baltimore Evening Neivs,

MOVED

August, 1898,
To the Baltimore American,

JOURNEYED

August, 1899,

To the New York Journal.

THE KIND PERMISSION OF

W. R. HEARST

to use the articles and illustrations whicn
appeared originally in the New York Journal
has made this book possible.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER PAGE

I. Mr. and Mrs. Dinkelspiel Discuss

Literary Matters, . . .11
II. Dinkelspiel Tries to Purify Eng-
lish AT Weber and Fields, . 23

III. Dinkelspiel und Hoch der Kaiser, 31

IV. Kipling's Half Yard of Poetry, 39

V. Dinkelspiel Sees Henry Irving, . 48

VI. Poultry Bigelow and Harttack

Davis, 57

VII. Dinkelspiel Plays Golf with the

President, 66

VIII. Dinkelspiel Makes a Call on

Dewey, 75

IX. Mr. Dinkelspiel on Our Naval

Heroes, 83

X. Dinkelspiel has a vSession "mit

der Brokers," at the Seashore, 91

XI. Poets and Sausages in a Trust, . 99

XII. Dinkelspiel has a Chat with

Aguinaldo, ... . 109

XIII. Dinkelspiel Meets Atkinson, . 118

Contents

CHAPTER PAGE

XIV. Sir Charles Tupper on War, . 127

XV. DiNKELSPIEL AND CaRNEGIE DiSCUSS

THE Spending of Millions, . 136

XVI. Mr. DiNKELSPIEL tries to Name

HIS Son, ..... 145

XVII. DiNKELSPIEL Sees Sir Tummas

ABOUID DER ShIMROCK, . . I56

XVIII. DiNKELSPIEL Takes Senator Depew
AND Governor Roosevelt to See
THE Yacht Races, . . .165

XIX. Meets Mr. Iselin and Visits the

Columbia, 174

XX. How TO Break the News to

Wales, 183

XAI. DiNKELSPIEL AND MrS. DiNKELSPIEL

Visit the Horse Show, . .191

XXII. Gonversationings MIT DiER Boss

Alretty, ..... 200

XXIII. DiNKELSPIEL Explains the Drey-
fus Case, 209

XXIV. DiNKELSPIEL AND ChAMPION JeF-

FRIES, . . . . . .219

XXV. DiNKELSPIEL AND DAS KlEINE KiND, 2 28

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

PAGE

" Katarina, uf you blease, doan'd make craziness

mit your head," 15

" Chentlemens, I vill instruction you how to speak

a sentence," 27

" I am nod looging for trouble," set Villum, " bud

dare is a telly f one in my ofl&ce," . . .35
" Ha ! ha ! " said Rootderyard, throwing his rhym-
ing tickshunary ad a strange puplisher, who
vas peeping in der vindow, / . . . 43
Veil, veil, veil! Id is, py Chove, id is my olt

friend, Dinky ! " set Sir Heiney, . . .51
Permission me to presentation my friend vich
you haf gone to var mit in der magazines.
Richard Harttack Davis, Poultry Bigelow —

time!" 61

Ach, Himmel, Dinky ! " set Villum, " ve vill hat

to postponement der game," . . . .71
Id pleasures me unflinchingly to see you," set

Chorge ,79

" I vill recitation a repetition uf der poeticals,

vich id is like dis," 87

I vaded ouid indo der vetness uf der skur{ . 95

List of Illustrations

PAGE

" Dit you dink id vould be safe for me to sdard a
leedle trust py myself, yet?" set Soopnoodle, 103

Der fat-headed chent vot der doks uf var are
chasing, . . , 113

Und den I took my hat und a umprella vich looked
like mine but cost more, und ve separationed.

Dinkelspiel and Sir Charles Tupper,

Der cbentlemans vot has so much money to bum
und cannod find der matches,

Und den Soopnoodle vent home, .

" I expectationed you before," set Sir Tummas,

Vot a luffly duet und vun ofer ve made !

Dinkelspiel visits the Columbia, .

" You dit nod haf a mascots," I set,

" Ja," set Katarina, " bud who vas dot larche col-
lection uf chentlemens stanting ofer dare vich
dey vas all dressed alike?" . . . . i97

"Veil," set Tummy, "men are yust like cow
caddie und sheeps und geese birds," . . 203

" Diederich, if you blease, make some exblaina-
tion ad me abouid der Driffus case," . .211

"Veil, Chim." I set, "how does id feel to ged a
smish in der solo appoplexus?" . . . 223

. 123

. 131

•A

. 139

. 149

. 159

. 167

. 177

. 187

D. DINKELSPIEL

HIS GONVERSATIONINGS

MR. AND MRS. DINKELSPIEL DISCUSS
LITERARY MATTERS.

LiDERATURE tind milk dey vas a resem-
blance to each udder dese days because skience
has discofered how to condensation dem both.

Some uf dem liberaries vare dey haf conden-
sationed der history uf efery ding unter der
sun into abouid fifty larche wolumes has a
gread attractionment for me.

Ven der colt vinter efenings come, und der

bloozard is making some blizzings mit der

snow-storm on der ouidside, id pleasures me to

took vun uf dem wolumes down und sid in my

easiness chair. Dey vas chenerally so heavy

D. Dinkelspiel

dot id makes a goot oxcqos to drob dem on
der floor und vent to sleep.

Vunce I bought vun uf dem circulation liber-
aries vare you pay fifty cents a day down und
vun tollar a veek, und after you pay sigs tol-
lars a month in two years id is yours uf you
can find der receipts.

Der vun I bought on der distillment plan id
is called " Men Vot Haf Made Famousness in
der Vorld.'*

I vanted to see uf a friend uf mine py der
name of Soopnoodle vas inclusioned among
der men vot haf made famousness, bud der
mens vot authored der book oferlooked him.

Und Soopnoodle is such a famousness!

He is vun uf der men vot intentioned to
help Chorge Dewey vin der baddle uf Manila,
but he hat to stay home because he forgot to
enlist in der nafy.

Any vay, I decisioned to gif Katarina, vich
she is my vedded vife, a liderary f eastings, so
I pud my pipe on der table und I set py her,

His Gonversationings

" Katarina, draw your chair ub py der fireside
uf der gas stofe und I vill make some readings
to you ouid uf our liberary."

" I vill be delightfuUed ! " set Katarina, moof-
ing her chair arount so dot she could rest id
on der cat py accident.

" Are you particularity abouid vot period uf
history I read abouid? " I set, gedding vun uf
der wolumes down.

"Nein,'* set Katarina; "bud I vould prefer-
ation dot der historicals is abouid Mrs. Bingle-
spitz, vich she lifs next door. She began to
take singing lessons on her voice a veek ago,
und nobody knows vy her husband left her
der next day."

"Veil," I set, "I doan'd dink Mrs. Bingle-
spitz is mentioned in among der * Men Vot Haf
Made Famousness, * bud uf she is taking sing-
ing lessons on her voice I dink ve could find
her husband's name in annuder liberary vich
id is called * Men Vot Haf Made Chackasses uf

Demselfs py Marriageing. * Now, led us pro-

D. Dinkelspiel

cedure mit der fairst name in der fairst wol-
ume uf dis liberary vich ve haf . Der fairst
name he is a fellow called Abelard. Dis Abel-
ard he vas a Frenchman, und he is der only
vun in der book vot belief ed dot Captain Drey-
fuss vas nod as guilty as he looked."

"Could id be so?** set Katarina, showing
a gread oxcitement.

" Ja,** I set ; " dis fellow Abelard died before
der udder Frenchmen built der factory vare
dey made der secret dossiers und bordereaus
und retty-made sissages und dings like dot.
Abelard he vas *'

"Vait!** set Katarina; "is his name Hein-
rich Abelard ? Vunce I knowed a family ofer
on Fairst Afenue vich der name sounded
somedings like dot. I dink vot his name vas
Heinrich. Dey alvays mentioned him Heiney
for shortness.**

"Katarina,** I set, "uf you blease, doan*d
make craziness mit your head. Ve haf vent
avay back to der year 1079, und ad dot dime

U:-.

t^..

His Gonversationings

Fairst Afenue hat nod been discoferied py
Chrisduffer Columpus before he vent to Ohio.
Veil, led us resumption. Id is a pitiless story,
der story abouid Abelard is, yes. Now, ad
der dime I mention he — — **

" Vait ! " set Katarina ; " vas he killed in der
Spinnish var mit Hopson und Cheneral Eagan
ad der baddle uf Sandy Dago? "

" To me id is a vunder how so much blank

space vas efer crowded into such a leedle

head vot you haf, Katarina! *' I set, losing der

end uf my temper vare I vas holding id.

" Vot is der use to haf a fine liberary like dis

locked ub in der book case ven you display so

much ignoramussness ? Abelard he vas nod a

chentlemans, he vas a Frenchman vot luffed a

voman mit a devouringness uf passion vich

gafe him der indichestion on account uf der

vay his heart vent piddy-pad ven he made

thinkings abouid der voman vot took his abbe-

tite avay so dot he could nod sleeb ad night."

" Veil,** set Katarina, " uf he kissed her, dare
2 17

D. Dinkelspiel

is der same similarities between him und Hop-
son, ain'd id? "

** For a voman uf your visdom you haf more
foolishness den any vot I know, Katarina! ** I
set. " Now lisden py me und I vill relation
der story uf Abelard py you, yet. Abelard he
vas in luflf mit a girl vich her front name vas
Hellolouise. Abelard luffed Hellolouise, und
Hellolouise luffed Abelard mit a vunderful
devotionings. Veil, yust abouid dis dime
id ''

" Dot name uf Hellolouise id is a familiarity
to me," set Katarina. "I vunder vas she der
young lady vot wisited mit der Goobledickers
last summer? I alvays thought dare vas a sad
story in dot girl's history."

" In order to make some appreciating uf a

liberary uf dis kind, Katarina," I set, "id is

fairst necesserary to obtain some sensefulness

in your head to make unterstanting uf vot id

is talking abouid. Uf you blease, recollection

dot. Veil, now, led us continuation. Come

His Gonversationings

mit me pack to der year abouid i lOO und leave
der Goobledickers vare are dey. Veil, ad der
dime uf vich ve make mentionings der vorld
id is full mit chenerations as yet unborn.
Eferyding is in darkness. Der electricsissity
light haf nod been inwented because der only
man vot could make der inwention he nefer
thought uf id. Der trolley cars vas nod run-
ning because dare vas no childrens playing in
der streets to run into. Veil, unter such dis-
dressfulness circusstances as dis, Abelard met
Hellolouise ouid valking vun day on der Bois
de Bologney.

" * Guten Morgen! * set Abelard, raising his
hat mit a politefulness.

"*Wie gehts!* set Hellolouise, also mit a
politefulness.

" ' I haf nefer hat der delightfulness uf meet-
ing mit you before! ' set Abelard, ' und I am
of erchoyed to see you so unexpectantly ! *

** Hellolouise blushed mit a rosiness.

"* Unter der circusstances,* set Abelard, *I

D. Dinkelspiel

feel compulsory to ask you to be my vife, uf
you blease ! '

" * Dis is so suttent ! * set Hellolouise ; * und
darefore I cannod make ub my mind to refusal
you ! '

" Und so dey vas marriaged righd avay in
abouid two or "

" Vait ! " set Katarina ; " dit dey vent to Niak-

ara Falls py deir vedding trib? *'

" Ad der dime uf vich ve are sbeaking, Kat-
arina," I set, " Niakara vas nod in der vedding-
trib pitzness. Uf you vant to make craziness
mit your thoughts, do so, yes! Bud doan'd
led your foolishness ged avay from you mit
der vords vich you utility. Now remain si-
lence und 1 vill remove more uf dis story from
der history. Veil, after Abelard und Hello-
louise dey vas marriaged '*

" Vas id a church vedding, und vot dit she
vear? " set Katarina.

" Vot is der difference dit she vear welwet

or chiflfon ofer a pumpadoor shirt vaist? " I set.

His Gonversationings

"Dot is yust like a voman. Der moment a
man says a void abouid a vedding der voman
alvays says, * Vot dit she vear? * Vot a ris-
dickillussness id is. Veil, anyhow, abouid der
story. Ven Abelard und Hellolouise dey vas
marriaged a chentlemans vich he vas a scou^n-
drel py birth und also der uncle uf Abelard
he vent und separationed dese two luflfers,
und '

" Vait ! " set Katarina ; " vas dis uncle a law-
yer in Chicago? "

"Vot a luffly dime ve vould haf, Katarina,*'
I set, " uf you vould only poison your thoughts
und kill dem before you sbeak dem! Now,
vy should you make such a question ad me? '*

" Veil,'* set Katarina, " der only place I know
vare peoples ged such a quick separationing
from der marriage ceremonials is in Chicago."

"Some dime," I set, "ven you can tie a
string arount der craziness vich is in your
head, Katarina, and keeb id dare midouid
sbeaking abouid id, ve vill resumption dis

D. Dinkelspiel

story. For der bresent I dink id vill be bed-
der to pud dis liberary back on der shelf so
dot der dust vill haf a nice place to seddle.
Und, uf you vill oxcoos me, I vill vent down
to Soopnoodle*s und play a cubble uf games uf
pinochle.'*

Liderature is a splentit ding to haf a knowl-
edge uf, bud somedimes a iknorance uf id
makes less noise in der family, yes.

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL TRIES TO PURIFY ENG-
LISH AT WEBER AND FIELDS'.

Id makes der blood remain seated in my
weins mit a chill ven I haf to listen py a man
murdering der Enklish lankvich mit der vay
he speaks id mit his woice.

To me id is vun of der grandest sights im-
aginationable to see der Enklish lankvich run-
ning around der unionverse, pure und unde-
fied.

I vas talking dis madder ofer der udder day
mit President Hadley, uf der Yale Fectball
College, und Villum Dean Howells und Chin-
cey Depoo, und dey suggestioned to me dot I
should begin a crusade against dem peoples
vot use vords vich look like a porous plaster-
ings und mean a boddle uf ketchup.

"Go, Dinky!" set Villum Dean Howells,

biting his finker-nails mit his bosom full mit

D. Dinkelspiel

emotion, "go ouid, Dinky, und reformation
der cidy uf der Greatness uf New York from
dem vot sandbag der English lankvich. Begin
mit Vebber und Fields', Dinky! Go dare ad
any hour uf der night or day und you vill hear
der shrieks uf der vounded vords as dey fall
from der lips uf dose mens. You vill hear der
groans uf der mangled sentences, und der
moans uf der dying grammar vill fill your
heart mit a pitifulness. Perhaps you vill
meet an adjective running ouid uf der place
mit a hatchet sticking in ids topknot. You
vill see pronouns looking like a safe had fell
on dem, und werbs und adwerbs running
around on crutches und yelling for der coro-
ner. Id is a awfulness. Dinky, und id is eat-
ing ids vay into der heart uf der Enklish lank-
vich mit a sureness vich is a certainty. Vent
ouid, Dinky, und crusade dem fellows into a
reformation ! "
Und I vented.

"Chentlemens," I set, ven I med ub mit

His Gonversationings

Vebber und Fields, " I haf been appointmented
a comicky to remonstrance mit you, uf you
blease/'

" Vot dit ve dit ven ve dit id ? *' set Vebber,
vagging der viskers vich he vore on vun ent
uf his chin.

" Veil, " I set, " vot is der Enklish lankvich ? "

" Id is a lot of vords inventioned for der pur-
pose uf making dictionaries," set Fields, mak-
ing a leedle Ha, ha ! in der sleef uf his Louey
der Thairteenth costumings.

**If id is id,'* I set, "vy do you take id ouid
uf der dictionaries und chump on id mit both
feets? Vy do you step ub to der Enklish lank-
vich und hand id a varm cholt in der solo ap-
poplexus efery time vot you ged a chance?
Der Enklish lankvich is older den vot you vas,
und you should show a leedle respectfulness
for ids gray hairs."

" Vas you a skindicate vich has yust bought

ub der Enklish lankvich? " set Vebber, looking

ad me mit a fierceness.

D. Dinkelspiel

"Doan'd mind him," set Fields to Vebber;
" he is yust a olt fellow vot has a rush of lank-
vich to der brain. Let him sbeak id ouid und
id vill vear off.''

" Chentlemeris ! " I set, " I vish to speak mit
you in der name uf liderature und skience, uf
you blease. Der sitivation id is yust like dis :
der var in der Transvaal und Vebber und
Fields haf combinationed to make der Enklish
lankvich look like a plate uf cold vegetable
soup, und ve dink id is time to call a halter.
But I do nod vish to point der thumb uf scorn
ad you unless you refusal to reformation.*'

" Vot id is you vas? " set Vebber; "are you
vun uf dem defective officers? "

" Nod id ! " set Fields ; " he is vun uf dem
liderary lighthouses! "

" Veil, led us blow ouid der liderary light-
house ! " set Vebber.

"Vait," set Fields; "led him make some

more noises mit his woice und he may find a

meaning for himself- "

i<r

His Gonversationings

" Chentlemens/* I set, "uf you vill permis-
sion me I vill instruction you how to speak a
sentence midouid pudding plack und plue spots
on der Enklish lankvich. Vot dit Chorge Vash-
ington set ven he crossed der Delavare River
to make der constitution uf der Union Sdades ? "

" He wrote id on der vaters mit a ice-pick
like dis : * Ven in der course uf human event-
fulness vun nation geds a svelled head annud-
der nation should turn der hose on id ! * *' set
Vebber.

" You are ledding your knowledge show ids
ignorance," set Fields to der leedle man.
" Chorge Vashington ven he crossed der Dela-
vare River he wrote id like dis : ' Ven in der
course uf human eventfulness vun nation
makes a monkey pitzness mit annudder nation
den is der dime to sell confused beef to der
guffernment und uddervise be a patriotic-
ness ! ' "

" Vy , chentlemens ! " I set, " you gif me an

astonishment ! Vy , you sbeak vot Vashington

D. Dinkelspiel

dit nod set yust like a knowledger from der
college. Der report vot says you haf hurdles
in your throats to chump ofer der lankvich
musd be a falseness, ain'd id? "

" Most undoubtingly ! " set Vebber ; " ve are
two uf der best sentencers in der vorld."

" Vy," set Fields, " ve are so carefulness mit
der lankvich ve yust nibble ad id ven ve use
id!"

" Den my pardon is due to your apologiz-
ings ! '* I set. ** I vill report der madder to der
udder liderary lighthouses, und you vill be re-
instationed ad vunce. Led us forgif und for-
get each udder as soon as possible."

" Der sameness to you also! '* set Vebber.

" Und der nexd dime vot der Enklish lank-
vich comes home mid ids ribs dislocationed
please recollection dot ve are not blameability,"
set Fields.

"Consideration dot id is dittet! " I set, und
den ve separationed.

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL UND HOCH DER KAISER.

EUROPEAN CONCERT SINGS A NEW SONG.

I HAF yust holded a shord gonversationings
mit my lieber old college chump, Hoch Der
Kaisef Villum HohenzoUern, vich he is vun uf
der crowned heads uf Europe, mit der oxcep-
tion uf ven he is gedding his phittygraph took,
und den he is a copyright, 1900, by Poofnickle
und Sweitzernits, picture-tookers, ecksettera,
ecksettera.

Veil, anyvay, Villum vas glat to see me, und
ve hat a choUy dime.

" Villum," I set, " is id a truthful dot Europe
is sidding on der efe uf a Condinental var-
fare?"

"Wie gehts, Dinky!** set Villum, pointing

vun end uf his mousdash ad Roosia und der

udder end ad Frince. " I doan*d dink Europe

D. Dinkelspiel

is sidding down yust ad present. I dink id i^
stanting ub und sdretching ids neck like a chi-
raffy."

"Vy is Europe sdretching ids neck like a
chiraffy in der circus, Villum? *' I set.

"Id is rupper-necking ad der Transvaal,"
set Villum, making a laugh mit a Cherman ac-
centuationings.

" Do you sympathetic mit Boom Paul because
he invitationed a cyclone to come und spend a
few veeks mit his friends? " I set.

" I vill haf to response you in der diplomatic
lankvich, Dinky; und, darefore, der answer to
der qvestion vich you send me id is, * Wie
Moechten sie der eismann sein? ' " set Villum.

*' Your answer id is exdremely non-commis-
sioned, Villum," I set.

" Ja," set Villum; "ven a man is a king he
has no pitzness to talk like a ten-spot, und dot
is vy I am so non-commickle mit you."

"Veil, Villum," I set, "led us change der

supcheckt. Uf Frince und Italy should vent

His Gonversationings

to var mft Englant vould you stay ad home
playing pinochle, or vould you vent down to
der bulletin boards to see vot is der score? "

" Bleed is thicker den ice-vater,** set Villum.

" I do nod recognition vot you mean abouid
bleed is thicker den ice-vater/' I set.

"Englant she is Mrs. Gulf, und Mrs. Gulf
she is my grantmother, und darefore, ven any
nation makes a monkey pitzness mit Englant I
am liability to chump in und kick dem collar
from elbow, unless dey habben to be particular
friends uf mine," set Villum.

"Veil, Villum," I set, "led us change der
supcheckt. Vich do you like besd, var or fight-
ing?"

" I luff peace bedder den anydings, " set Vil-
lum. "Ach, Himmel! how I luff id. I luff
peace so veil dot I like to pud id chently avay
in der ice-box und vent ouid und make der
solchers dit a sham baddies. I dink peace is a
fairst-rate ding to haf between vars, bud id

should be used mit carefulness."
3 33

D. Dinkelspiel

"Villum,** I set, "id appearances to me dot
Frince und Italy und Roosia dey are standing
on der corner vaiting to see vill der police-
mans tell dem to moof on so dey can make a
saucy ness ad him."

" Frince cannod vent to var,** set Villum.

"Vy?" I set.

" Because all der Chenerals und der Colonels
und der Lufftenems vas sidding ad home rub-
bing deir woices mit vitch hazel und arnicky , "
set Villum.

" Vot a queerness! " I set.

"Ja/* set Villum, "dare is nod a Cheneral
or a Colonel or a Lufftenem in Frince vot can
sbeak above a visper.*'

"Vyisid?" I set.

"Because," set Villum, "dey sprained deir
woices ad der Driffus case und now dey haf to
lie around home undil dey ged bedder."

Und den Villum made a loud laughings und

ve hat a luffly dime.

"Veil, Villum," I set, ven der laugh subjii-

tel ^

1%\\

■^

^ VfJ^JW^

■MMm\ 1 1

i^i

■'^^fe

\J..

His Gonversationings

gated, " led us change der supcheckt. Dit you
dink — vait! vot is dot noisy ness I hear? '*

" I dink id is der European concert tuning
ub/* set Villum.

" Vot is der name uf der singing vich dey
vas making? ** I set.

"Id is a new sendimental diddy vich der
name uf id is, *I luff you, oh! I luff you! bud
ril haf to broke your face! * Ve all expecta-
tion to sing id ofer here ven ve are nod busy
throwing bootchacks ad each udder," set Vil-
lum.

" Veil," I set, " dis gonversationing has gifen
me a greatness uf pleasure, und I hobe vot der
var-clouds vill roll avay und find us all enchoy-
ing goot health ouidside uf der hospital."

"I am nod looging for trouble," set Villum,

" bud dare is a tellyf one in my office und a chip

on my shoulder dot loogs like a kitchen table

— vot more can I dit? Now, uf you blease, I

vill recitation you a luffly leedly poeticals

vich I haf yust compositioned abouid der

D. Dinkelspiel

sitivation. Id is in blankness werse un id is
like dis :

" ' Der * "

Yust den my horsepack chumped avay mit
me ad abouid der rade uf thairty miles in a
cubble uf days, und I vas compulSioned to
leave Villie slanting dare making chestures ad
der embty admosphere.

I vunder vot id vas dot made my horsepack
took der stirrups in his teeth und vent flying
avay like der vind on a calmness day?

Vas id Villie *s poeticals?

Perishable der thought! Perishable der
thought !

Bud I haf my own suspicionments.

His Gonversationings

KIPLING'S HALF YARD OF POETRY.

WRITTEN FOR D. DINKELSPIEL.

AcH, Himmel ! id is a gread pleasurefulness
to haf a leedle kit-boat to make svift sailings
ven you vish to gonversation mit some vun
vich he is such a gread distance dot you can-
nod reach him midouid venting vare is he.

Veil, anyhow, mit my leedle kit-boat I vent
ofer ven id vas in der autumn of last fall
to see Rootderyard Kipling, vich he is der
chentlemans vot makes poeticals abouid Tum-
my Atkins und der Skar uf Roosia und Boom
Paul und Mike Hanna und all der udder cele-
bration ists.

Rootderyard he vas ouid in der blacksmith

shob pudding a new handle in his hammer

ven I sent ub my name on a postal cart.

I vas invitationed to steb ouid, und afder

D. Dinkelspiel

ve shoog hants mit each udder Rootderyard

set:

" Der rose is ret, der wilet's blue,
Veil, Dink, vot can I dit for you?"

Ach, Himmel! how der bleed chumps und
surches through my weins ven a gread man
makes poeticals ad me ! Poeticals und a chin
rickey dey are both a similarity to me. Dey
varm der coggks uf my heart und dey affecta-
tion my brain like a boddle uf soothing skirrup.

"Oxcoos me, Rooteryard, vot I cannot re-
sponse you mit a luffly poeticals/* I set; "bud
vun day ven der gas inspectioner vas tired uf
tooking my money he took also my meter ouid,
und I am afraid uf I vould svitch off from plain
sbeaking to poeticals I vould be going from
bad to verse. Dare is a leedle choke making
concealment in vot I set, Rootderyard, bud led
us forget abouid id und be der same olt col-
lege chumps vot ve alvays vas yet. I see vot
you haf wroded a poeticals abouid Boom Paul !

Doan'd you dink id is a cruelty to take ub your

His Gonversationings

pen in hand und push Boom*s hat down ofcr
his ears und den kick his trouserings mit big
vords? *'

"Ha! ha!" said Rootderyard, throwing his
rhyming tickshunary ad a strange puplisher
who vas peeping in der vindow to see uf he
could oferhear a small volume ad der retail
price uf abouid two tollars. " You vas such a
laughable! such a laughable! Boom Paul he,
is a hart case. Dot is vy I broke der handle
uf my hammer. Der last time vot I broke a
handle id vas on the Skar uf Roosia. Poeti-
cals id is a dangerous pitzness, Dinky. A man
cannod tell vot minuet he vill broke der handle
uf his hammer or miss der mark und smash
his thumbnail sketch. How vas eferyding in
der Union Sdades? '*

"Veil, Rootderyard/' I set, "Chincey Depoo
discoferied a new choke und somevun vent
und pud Atmiral Dewey's picture in der news-
papers, bud uddervise ve are all veil und

habby. Der frost id is wisiting mit der pump-

D. Dinkelspiel

kjns und some uf der theatrical combanies, und
Mike Hanna is home from der Phillypeanuts
Islands; vot more could ve vish? "

" Vot vas Mike Hanna ditting in der Philly-
peanuts Islands?'* asket Rootderyard, grap-
ping his hammer mit both hants, und prepara-
tioning to rush down to der cable ofl&ce mit a
poeticals uf der sitivation varranted id.

" Mike Hanna he is connectioned mit a fac-
tory vich makes locomotions und running gear

und naughtymobile vaggons," I set.

"Veil, information me yet!'* set Rootder-
yard.

" Id is simplicity,*' I set. " Naggynaldo is a
running gear und also- a locomotion power.
Cheneral Otis tolt Villum abouid him. Villum
he is a friendship to Mike, und Villum wrode
Mike a ledder ofer der tellyphone vich id set :

" * Dear Mike : Ve are a lucky Atministration. Van

ve captured der Phillypeanuts Islands ve captured also

perpetual motion. Vun day ven Cheneral Otis vas

vig-vagging across der islands mit his viskers he saw

His Gonversationings

id. Ids name is Naggynaldo. Uf you can pud vot
Naggynaldo uses to run mit in your naughty mo bile
vaggons dis Atministration vill vent down indo his-
tory mit a ret, vite, and plue plaze of glory. Yours
mit luf , Villum. *

" Den Mike vent ouid to der Phillypeanuts
Islands und he made arrangements mit Naggy-
naldo to pud his locomotion in a Skindicate,
und ven you haf a Skindicate id is a Trust,
und ven you haf a Trust id is a skinch — und
dare you are! **

"Dot is a luffly supcheckt for a poeticals/'
set Rootderyard, " und uf dare vas a cubble of
puplishers sidding on der doorsteb I vould
wrote id mid my trusty hammer.*'

"Now, Rootderyard/* I set, "I am going to

requisition you to dit me a great fafor, uf you

blease. I vant you to make me abouid a half

a yard uf poeticals abouid der yacht racings.

Ve haf efery kind uf oxcitement abouid id mit

der oxception uf some good poeticals. Vill

you dit it?"

D. Dinkelspiel

"You don't vant much," set Rootderyard.

"Nein," I set; "yust abouid a half a yard."

"Dit you vant iambic measure?" set Root-
deryard.

" Nein," I set ; " I dink a half a bushel meas-
ure vould be bedder, but use your own chudge-
nent."

Den Rootderyard took oflF his spegtiggles
and closed his eyes und in der tvinkling uf an
eyebrow he made dis poeticals for me :

Columpia, der chem uf der ocean,

She flies through der brokers und skurf ;
Sir Tummas he stants py der Shimrock

Und drinks tea to stetty his nerf.
Columpia, der chem uf der ocean,

She flies through der biliousness sea ;
Uf Sir Tummas doan'd set free der cup den

He vill nefer set Irelant free.

Mit tears uf gratification in my veeping eyes

I shoog Rootderyard py der hants und mate

him a promissary dot der fairst dime vot his

His Gonversationings

cheenus got a spavin on ids oflF lek tind refus-
aled to vork I vould hasten to his assistance
nnd helb him ouid.

Und den ve separationed.

D. Dinkelspiel

DINKELSPIEL SEES HENRY IRVING

AND CRACKS A JOKE ON HIM.

I HAF alvays made a great fondness for der
stage. To me id is a luffly spectacular to see
a great play-actingist ouid vare der quick-lime

is throwing ids dizzling light ofer der sitiva-

tion und stand dare like Apollinaris Belfidere.

I like to vatch dem make faces ad der admos-

phere und sbeak der lufHy, larche, long vords

in ten minuets vich id took a cubble uf smart

mens two veeks to find dem in der dictionary.

Id is der sensation to me like vot a hunkry
mans has ven a plate of fried sissage comes
suttently before him.

Id is because I am so fondness for der stage

dot I vent ub to der Pizazza Hotel to sbeak

mit my lieber olt college chump, Sir Heinrich

Irving, der last time vot he visitationed dis

His Gonversationings

land uf der free und der home uf der box
office.

"Veil, Heiney,*' I set, ven ve med ub mit
each udder, " id is a great bleasure to haf you
mit us vunce more again, efen ad der rate uf
abouid fife tollars a seat. In der name uf der
cidizens uf der Union Sdades I presentation
you mit a velcome, und I hobe dot you vill
enchoyment yourself, even if you vas com-
pulsioned to make a great deal of money
vile ditting id.**

"Veil, veil, veil! Id is, py Chove, id is my
olt friend. Dinky," set Sir Heiney, valking ad
me like Hamlet after somevun puds a mince
pie in his shoes.

Den ve empraced each udder mit enthu-
sinism, und ve discussioned liderature und art
und der Boom Paul var, und udder tobies uf
der day vich vill be forgotten to-morrow.

"Ach, Himmel, Heiney!" I set. "Id al-

vays gifs me such an admiration to see you in

dem playings vich you make on der stage.
4 49

D. Dinkelspiel

Dare is a cheenus burning mitin you vich gifs
you a great talent for sbeaking vords vich you
punctuation mit der vay you use your legs,
ain'did?"

"Ha! ha!" set Sir Heiney, translationing
der laugh from der Enklish «tyle to der Union
Sdades mit a vunderful qvickness. " Vich vun
uf my plays do you pref eration ? Ve all haf
our favoritisms, you know ! '*

"Veil, Heiney,** I set, "my favoritism is dot
play vare you sbeak id like dis : * Lead on,
Bill Duff, lead on! Und tamnation be him
vot fairst cries, "Hold der snuff!"' I dink
dot is a nobility sentiments. My vife, Kata-
rina, she dinks so also, but she doan*d know
vot id means. Sometimes I am afraid my vife
preferations dem plays vich are taken from der
French ven der policemans is nod looging.
Vill you appearance in any French plays,
Heiney?"

" Ja ! " set Heiney. " I haf vun play vich is

full mit Frenchness."

His Gonversationings

"Vot!" I set. "Ad your age, Heiney! I
am astonishment! Is id vun uf dem varm
babies?"

Den I nutched Heiney in der rips und made
a vinkings ad him.

" Ja/* set Heiney; "dare is a gread deal uf
varmness in der play und der varmness is nod
contributioned by a gas stofe, needer."

" Is id der kind vare der public loogs ad id
und den peeps ofer der tobs uf deir programs
und blushes mit deir faces behind deir pro-
gframs, und blushes some more, und den goes
ouid und buys seats for to-morrow night so dey
can learn to loog ad id mitouid blushing — is
dot der kind id is, Heiney? '* I set.

"Nein," set Heiney; "der ladies vot come
to see my plays can check deir blushes in der
coat-room because dey vill not need dem.**

" Dit you nod say your play vas a varmness,
Heiney?** I set.

"So id is," set Heiney.

" Veil," I set, " how can any play be a varm-

D. Dinkelspiel

ness ven id vill nod make a man blush so much
dot he feels like rushing ouid uf der theatre
und buying seats for to-morrow night? You
say your play has a plentiful uf Frenchyness
abouid id. Veil, is id der kind yare efery vord
has a double meaning und efery chesture loogs
liVe an inwitation to vent ouid und call in der
police? *'

" Py chove ! Now I understant vot ad are
you driving! " set Sir Heiney. " Der charac-
ters in my play dey vas a Frenchness, bud der
lankvich dey use passed through der quarum-
tine. Dare is nod a vord in my play dot a
young man could nod took a young lady to see
id uf der seats are nod all sold. My play is
varm only in vun vay."

" Und vot vay is dot? " I set.

" Artisticality/' set Heiney.

"Veil, veil, veil, Heiney! Vot an astonish-
ment you gif me ! '* I set. " I vas alvays unter
der impression dot you vas a cheenus und now

I am convictioned. Any man vot can grab a

His Gonversationings

play from der French before dey haf time to
pud some hot stuflBng in id is a vunderf ul ! I
supposition dot is vy you vas creationed a
Knight uf der Bath because you haf such clean
plays?"

Ach, Himmel! In all my expirements I
nefer before med ub mit an Englisher vot
could see der point uf a choke so qvick as Sir
Heiney, und he yust sat down und laughed
undil his sides ached mit a hoarseness.

" Who is your favoriteness among der au-
thors, Heiney? ** I set, ven der laugh vas sus-
pensioned.

" I dink der greatest man vot efer authored
a book vas Villum Shookspeare,*' set Heiney.

" Ja,*' I set; "he made some great writings

vile he vas authorshipping. Vot could be so

true as ven he says, *A nose py any udder

name vould smell as sveet * ? Und also dem

luffly lines, * Lives uf great men reminiscence

us ve can make our lives sublime, und nexd

summer make some feet-prints on der beach

D. Dinkelspiel

ad Coney Isle ! * In my destination der author-
ings uf Villum Shookspeare haf no equality in
all der vorld. Besides, id is so tarn hard to
find any uf his heirs to pay der royalties to,
ain*d id, Heiney?'*

" Many a true vord is spoken in dialect ! " set

Heiney, und den ve laughed togedder mit each
udder und separationed.

His Gonversationings

POULTRY BIGELOW AND HARTTACK

DAVIS

INTRODUCED BY MR. DINKELSPIEL.

I HAF yust been reading in der newsbabers
abouid my olt friend, Poultry Bigelow, vich
he is now in England, making humorousness
und leedle chokes abouid der Union Sdades
solchers, yet.

Der cable disbatches vich dey come unter
der vet ocean, dey information me dot Poultry
seferely handled der Union Sdades volunteers,
und he made der Atministration und Mike
Hanna loog like a droUey car hat slabbed dem
on der wrist.

I am surbrisaled dot Poultry vould make
rudeness chokes abouid der Union Sdades sol-
chers. Ach, Himmel! how surbrisaled I am,
yes!

I recollection der dime, vich id is nod so

D. Dinkelspiel

long since, ven Poultry Bigelow he vas cliump-
ing all ofer der Atministration und Mike
Hanna because dey not gif der soldiers pie in
der var. Und now he is making humorous-
ness und leedle chokes abouid der Union
Sdades solchers to make der English beobles
laugh der day afder to-morrow. Veil, veil,
veil ! I am surprisaled ad Poultry.

Vunce ven der var vast yust beginning to
sid ub a leedle und took some nodice, me und
Poultry Bigelow und Richard Harttack Davis
ve holded a shord gonversationings, vich I vill
repetition id, yust like dis:

. " Wie gehts, Poultry,'* I set ven ve med ub
mit each udder; "how is your olt college
chump. Kaiser Wilhelm? Und how vas der
var brogressing bedween you und Richard
Harttack Davis, vich you vas fighding in der
magazines, yet?"

"Dinky,** set Poultry, sharbening annudder
fountain pen, und looging hart ad a commis-
sary vaggon, "Dinky, doan*d sboke to me

His Gonvefsationings

abouid Richard Harttack Davis. He is a reck-
lessness man vot beliefs der Union Sdades sol-
diers can fighd midouid pie. Ach^ Dunner-
vetter! as my goot friend Kaiser Wilhelm
says, how can a solcher be a solcher ven he
doan'd got pie? ''

"Veil, you can serge me, Poultry! '* I set.

" Ach, Himmel! it is too bat! too bat! ** set
Poultry. " Here in der Union Sdades is der
making uf a fairst-class army, und dey haf to
lif midouid no pie, midouid no anchel food,
midouid no baninny fridders, midouid choco-
late declairs, midouid no coddage putting, mid-
ouid no lopster salat, und, abofe all dings,
midouid no pie! Dink uf id, Dinky! Sdran-
gers in a strange lant midouid no pie ! Vot
can der Segretary uf Var be dinking abouid
his own relationshibs all der dime, j-es! ''

Yust den a tall, extinkwished-looking chen-

tlemans saundered ub py us, und I knew him

ad vunce midouid stobbing to recognition him.

" Veil, veil veil ! Richard Harttack Davis,

D. Dinkelspiel

I am glat to see you, yet," I set. "Permis-
sion me to presentation my friend vich you haf
gone to var mit in der magazines, uf you
blease. Richard Harttack Davis, Poultry
Bigelow — time! "

"Humph! " set Richard Harttack Davis.

" Humph ! " set Poultry, looging me sdraighd
in der face mit his words, "I unterstoot dis
vas a var for humanidy und not for novelists."

"Id vas my imbression," set Richard, blow-
ing der ashes from his cigaroot und looging ad
me mit der udder eye, " dot some chentlemen
are loafing arount der ouidskirds uf dis var vot
should be ad home digging soft-shell clams,
yet."

" Humph! *' set Poultry.

"Humph, also! " set Richard.

" Vait, chentlemens," I set, mit der idea uf
pacificating deir feelings mit my vords, " how
vould you like to be der ice-pick? "

"Id vas my obinion," set Richard, looging

ad me earnesdly in der forehead bedween der

'-^f.

His Gonversationings

eyes, " dot some beobles make a gread misdake
ven dey forsook deir oggupation uf raising
chiggens tmd stard in to atvise der Atministra-
tion und Mike Hanna how to conduction der
var."

" I haf found," set Poultry, brushing a leedle
speg of dust py my coat off, " in my oxberience
dot ven a man geds intoxicationed mit his own
greadness id vas no use to durn der hose on
his svelled het."

" Humph! " set Richard.

" Dare are udder humphs! " set Poultry.

" Chehtlemens, chentlemens, be cam ! '* I
set. " Rememper der proferb vich id says,
* Der leedle doks delight to bite und scradch
ouid each udder's eyes ouid ! * Rememper dot
proferb, chentlemens, und be cam! *' und den,
mit der electricsissity uf cheenus purning py
my eyes ouid, I recitationed dot luffly leedle
poems, vich id says:

I vish I vas a Chune bug !
Und den I vould nod care

D. Dinkelspiel

Uf pie or abble fridders

Vas in der army fare !
I vish I vas a Chune bug !

I'd fly arount all day,
Und den I vould not vorry

Uf der army lived on hay !
I vish I vas a Chune bug — I vish !

" Haf you nodiced, Mr. Dinkelspiel, dot dare
vas human beings sidding on der doorsteb uf
der var vot are disblaying all der remarkaple
indelligence beculiar to a Chune bug? " set
Poultry, mit his eyes pointed ad me und his
finker pointed at Richard.

"Und haf you not in your visdom, Mr.

Dinkelspiel, decisioned dot you vould prefer-

ation to be a choyous Chune bug instead of a

army vurm? *' set Richard, mit his face pointed

ad me und his exbression pointed ad Poultry.
" Humph ! " set Poultry.

" Humph! " set Richard.

Und den, midouid vaiting to say " auf wie-

dersehn " to each udder, Richard valked avay

His Gonversationings

und Poultry followed him in annuder direc-
tion.

Der past id is alvays puddings ids linkers ub
py ids nose und viggling dem ad der bresent,
ain'd id?

Yust a leedle vile ago Poultry vas valking
der floor und kigging holes in der carpet pe-
cause der Atministration und Mike Hanna
vould nod gif der solchers pie. Und now he
is ofer in Englant making humorousness und
leedle chokes abouid dem same solchers so vot
der Prince uf Vales laffs ven he sees der point
nexd veek.

Veil, veil, veil!

D. Dinkelspiel

DINKELSPIEL AND THE PRESIDENT.

THEY PLAY A GAME OF GOLF TOGETHER.

I HAF a gread fondness for der game of guff,
und so has my olt college chump, Villum Mc-
Kinley, vich he is der Bresident uf der Union
Sdades, Porto Ricketty, Kooba, und der Philly-
peanuts Islands, mit der exception uf dot part
vich Naggynaldo is using to run avay on.

Guff id is an olt game. So also is polidics.
Guff und polidics dey haf valked togedder
hant unt hant down from der dark-meat ages
to the bresent light-meat age. Dare is a sim-
ilaridy abouid gufif und polidics vich makes
dem fery much alike. Mit guff you haf to
ged a leedle rupper ball in a hole. Mit poli-
dics you haf to ged der man vot is your oppo-
sitioner in der hole. Mit gufif der game is to

keep pudding der leedle rupper ball in der

His Gonversationings

hole, und der sooner der qvicker. Mit poli-
dics you doan'd stob mit pudding vun man in
a hole. Somedimes der whole tarn country
geds in a hole too also.

Guflf id is played mit a red coat und a cubble
uf farms choined togedder mit each udder by
a barp-vire fences und a river mit vet vater
running ouid uf id. Polidics id is played mit
a check-book und a woice full mit huskiness
und piggled onions.

Veil, anyhow, I vas in Vashington during
der veek vich is yust recently, und I mate an

encagement mit der sdreet cars to convevance

it
me ub py der Vite House to pay my respect-
fulness to Villum.

"Ach, Himmel! vot a choy fulness surpris-
ings ! ** set Villum, grabbing my hant und lead-
ing me into der Blue Room vare he reads all
der ledders from Cheneral Otis. " Der cares
uf sdade are sidding on me so hart dot I haf
stone pruises on both shoulders," Villum con-

tinuationed, "und I dink id vould jeer me ub

D. Dinkelspiel

uf you vould vent ouid on der links und play
a game uf gufif mit me, yet/'

" Vot a regretf ulness ! '* I set, " vot a regret-
fulness! I haf neglectioned to pring my red,
vite, und blue gufif trouserings mit der pink
stribe running down der side as fasd as id can.
Before I lefd der house vare I make my home
ven der gas bill is nod too larche, Katarina set
py me, * Took your gufif trouserings mit you,
Diederich; ve nefer can tell vot trouble der
future has in der store for us, so you bedder
took dem ! * Bud I vent avay und neglectioned
dem, Villum.'*

" Der easiness uf dot madder id is simblic-
ity,** set Villum, pushing der button on der
electricsissity bell ; und ven a colored chentle-
mans mit a dark, vide-open face made der an-
swer to der bell ringings, Villum set to him,
" Vent ofer to der Moozeum uf Fine Arts und
ged me Rear- Admiral Villum Sampson's gufif
trouserings, righd avay, uf you blease ! **

" Der saints preservation me! *' I set. " Dit

His Gonversationings

you mean to conferration such a honor ubon
me, Villum? Dit you intention me to vear
Villum Sampson *s guff pan tings? I am so
dumpfounded dot I cannod sbeak der vords
vich I am using! "

"Id is all righd, Dinky," set Villum, "you
vas der only man ouidside der Sdade uf Ohio
vot I vould permission to vear Villum Samp-
son*s guff pantings, bud you vas velcome.
Id is a gread honorings, bud you deserf id.
Nexd to vearing der viskers uf Cheneral Otis
I dink id is der greadesd honorings I could
conferation. But Villum Sampson vill not
neet der guff pantings yust ad present. Vear
Villum *s guff pantings, Dinky, vear dem und
choin me ad der links.*'

Und den afder a vile me und der Bresident
ve ofer dressed ourselfs und ve vent ouid py
der links.

Der difference bedween der guff links und a

sissage^ links id is vunderful. Mit der full

course uf der guff links dare is a cubble uf

D. Dinkelspiel

Bunker Hills und plenty uf vater all around so
dot der caddy boys can keeb deir hants und
faces dirdy. Mit der sissage links der full
course is abouid a pound und a half mit a cup
uf coffee und some Dutch mustard.

" Dit you understant der game? *' set Villum,
sdarding to play py paying der caddy boy fif-
deen cends. Somedimes der game is sdarded
py paying der caddy boy ten cends, und some-
dimes id is sdarded py owing him der money
uf you haf nod got der change. Id makes der
game more oxcitement to sdard id mit owing
der caddy boy, because den he is so busy mit
vatching dot you doan'd run avay dot he for-
geds to vatch der ball und you ged a chance to
svear ad him.

" Dit I understant der game? ** I set. " Most
undoubtingly. I understant id bedder den
mosd mens. Vunce I med ub mit Antrew
Carnicky on der sdreet ; vunce I looked ad a
book wridden py Ian Maclaren for five min-
uets vich I held in my hant half an hour ; und

His Gonversationings

vunce I svallowed sigs fink^rs uf Scotch viskey
und vent home tind discharged der coog be-
cause I fell ub der front stebs. Of course I
understant der game, Villum."

"Goot! '* set Villum, "led us make proceed-
ings mit der play."

Den Villum he pud der leedle rupper ball
on der tob part uf some mut, und he sviped ad
id mit powerfulness. Der leedle ball id re-
mained mit a stationary face on top uf der
mut, und a hour aftervards ve found Villum *s
club in der cornfield abouid a mile avay.

" Dit you foozizzle, Villum? *' I set.

"Nein,"set Villum, "bud I broke my sus-
pender buggies und darefore I score vun ub
und sigs to play." '

"Should id be?" I set.

Den Villum he sviped ad der leedle rupper

ball vunce more, und dis dime he made con-

nectionings. Der ball id sailed in der air und

ad der place vare id fell down dare vas a cow

vatching der game, und der ball id hit der cow

D. Dinkelspiel

yust vare der cheap butchers ged deir porter-
house sdake. Der cow id looked ad Villum
mit reproachfulness, und den id nodiced der
guff pantings I hat on und it took der stage
fright und svallowed der ball.

" Vot club vill you use now, your niplick or
your lifter, Villum? " I set, looking ad der cow.

"Ach, Himmel, Dinky!" set Villum, "ve
vill hat to postponement der game. I neglec-
tioned to pring der book uf rules und I doan'd
know vot to dit ven a cow svallows der ball.
I dink der rules call for a policeman's club ad
dis stage uf der game, bud I am nod cerdainly
aboud id. In der mean dime der score is two
to vun in my favor und der cow vill haf der
dyspepsums, darefore led us vent home.**

Den ve valked home mit each udder toged-
der, und Villum set I scored sigs points in der
game because a naughtymobile vaggon got
frightened ad my guflf pantings und run avay,
und den ve separationed.

His Gonversationings

"MY OLT COLLEGE CHUMP CHORGE."

DINKELSPIEL MAKES A CALL ON DEWEY.

MiT mine leedle kit-boat, der Frinkfurter, I
vent ofer py der Rock uf Gibletsalter to hold a
shord gonversationings mit my olt college
chump, Chorge Dewey, vich he has made more
famousness den any udder mans vot efer got
his phitty graph in der newsbabers, yet.

Chorge vas sidding on der back porch uf
der Olympia ven he saw my kit-boat rise ub
on tob uf der vet part uf der vaves yust like a
coggle-shell.

" Dare is somedings in der ocean ! ** set
Chorge, calling ouid ad der Cabdain.

"So dare is, und id looks like vater!**set
der Cabdain.

"Der funnyness vot you make mit your

choking id is nod necesserary , " set Chorge.

D. Dinkelspiel

" Tell der Leflftenem to tolt der Pilot to tell
der Skibber to tell def Bowswim to tell der
Midship Mite to pring my opera spy glasses
ouid here on der back porch. I am curiosity
to see who is coming ad me in der leedle kit-
boat."

Den ven Chorge pud der opera spy glasses
ub py his eyelishes I yust stoot ub in der front
part uf der bow uf my kit-boat und yelled ouid
across der roaring und ankry biliousness uf der
ocean: "Velcome home ven you ged dare,
Chorge! Velcome home ven you ged dare,
Chorge ! ''

Den I rowed my kit-boat in to der Olympia
und valked ub der front stebs. Chorge med
me ad der front door before I could agitation
der electricsissity bell, und id made him de-
lightfulness to see me.

" I dit nod expectation you to row ouid so

far to meed ub mit me, Dinky," set Chorge,

" und id pleasures me unflinchingly to see you.

Come mit me ouid on der front pizazza vare

His Gonversationings

der sun is nod so varm in der heat, und led us
sbeak mit each udder vile ve gonversation
some vords togedder."

Den me und Chorge ve sat down on der
front pizazza uf der Olympia, und den I tolt
him all abouid id.

" Vill dey be glat to see me ven I make some
arrivals ad home? '' set Chorge.

"Vill dey!" I set, " undoubtingly dey vill.
Vy, der tigget speculators vould die for you
any day, bud der day afder to-morrow vould
be preferationed. Efery vun is gedding retty
to velcome you, und der hodel keebers dey are
going to send deir rates up in a balloon in your
honor. Der noise uf cabbage und sauerkraut
und udder vegetables cooking in your honor
can be heard mit distinction all ofer der Union
Sdades. Efery cidy in der country id expecta-
tions you vill come und took dinner mit id. I
vunder vy id is dot after a man geds to be a
heroism der beobles alvays vant to keeb stuffing

him full of Vickies? "

D. Dinkelspiel

" To me id is a tnysteriousness," set Chorge.

** Veil, id is a sdrange queerness/* I set. " I
can valk arount all day mit my stummick so
full uf abbetite dot I cannod sbeak, und no vun
vill say, * Dinky, vill you participation in a sis-
sage samvich mit me ? ' Und ven you valk
down der sdreet der beobles vill leef deir

blaces uf pitzness und run afder you mit deir

arms full mit wienerwurst und say : * Chorge,

blease eat a leedle mit us ! Der name uf der

wienerwurst id vas vunce Rover, bud ve luff

you bedder den ve dit our dachshund. Blease

eat a leedle mit us ! *

" Dot is der diflFerence vich makes der odds

bedween you und me, Chorge. You are a

heroism, und dare fore efery vun dinks dot he

should meet you mit a chiggen pot-pie in vun

hant und a bunch of pretzels in der udder.

Dit you got many presents since you vipped

der Spinnish mit vun hant tied behind you in

front uf your back, Chorge? "

" Der number is so great dot I could nod

His Gonversationings

mention it mitouid saying der figures," set
Chorge. " A chentlemans in Safannah, Chor-
gia, sent me a splentit mess nf raddletail
snakes und mocosum snakes nnd copperplate
snakes. I sent dem to Naggynaldo. A chen-
tlemans in Hartford, Connetiscope, sent me a
cooging stofe vot vas der fairst to lant on Ply-
mouth Rock mit der Pilkrim Fathers. A
chentlemans in Cumberlant, Merrylant, sent
me a fire escape so vot I could use id in der
nexd var. A chentlemans in BiflFalo sent me a
machineries to fasden on der gas meter und
reduction my gas bill abouid five toUars efery
month. A chentlemans in Columpus, Ohio,
sent me twenty-five cends vorth uf sdreet-car
tiggets. A chentlemans in Chinchinnatti sent
me a lawn mower to use in der back yard uf
der Olympia, und der numerousness uf der
useful presents I haf received id is too many
to mention ad der same dime.**

Und den Chorge took me down in der cellar

uf der Olympia, und he showed me der vay to
6 8i

. Dinkelspiel

pud ouid der thirst vich der saldy vater gafe
me.

Und den I chumped in my leedle kit-boat
tind rowed back home, full mit proudfulness
because I vas der fairst to velcome Chorge
home to der lant he luffs vile he vas yet in der
ocean uf a foreign country.

His Gonversationings

MR. DINKELSPIEL ON OUR NAVAL

HEROES.

THE INSIDE OF THE SCHLEY AFFAIR.

Dot fellow Soopnoodle, he is so queerness
abouid der tobies uf der day yet, on accound uf
der reason vich lie does nod unterstant some
madders vich dey vas unindelligibility to him,
alretty.

"I feel so sorrowfulness abouid Atmiral
Schley,'* set Soopnoodle, ven ve med ub mit
each udder.

" Vy is der reason dot Atmiral Schley should
haf your sorrowfulness?** I set, looging ad
Soopnoodle py ter tob uf his head vare are his
eyes.

"Pecause he is a ventrillykimist, yet,** set
Soopnoodle.

" Und vot der deifel is a ventrillykimist? ** I

set.

D. Dinkelspiel

"A ventrillykimist,** set Soopnoodle, "is a
man vich he has two woices, bud vun uf dem is
nod his und sbeaks dings vich he knows nud-
dings abouid. Mit vun uf dese woices his
enemy foes make him say dings vich he can-
nod deny mit his udder voice pecause he doan'd
know vot dit he say."

" Veil, Soopnoodle," I set, " dot is vot a man
gets for being a conkwering hero. Uf Atmi-
ral Schley hat nod sinked der Spinnish fleed
off der face uf der boosum uf der vet ocean his
enemy foes dey vould be his varmest friends,
und dey vould be saying, * Schley is a smart
man, but he hat no obbordunity to be smart-
ness ! * Pin-headed beobles can nef er f orgif a
man for being cleverness midouid deir permis-
sion. Vot you dinks, Soopnoodle? "

"Veil, Dinky," set Soopnoodle, " I am unde-

cisioned yust vot to dink. Vot is yolir obinion

abouid der Baddle of Sandy Dago vich is now

rayching in der Nafy Depardment among der

big guns und Chon Long? "

His Gonversationings

"Veil, Soopnoodle/* I set, "accorting do der
Nafy Depardment unt Chon Long, der Baddle
uf Sandy Dago vas foughd und von py der Men
Pehind der Guns, nnd der Spinnish fleed vas
sinked off der face uf der boosum uf der vet
ocean py der Man Pehind der Horizon.**

"Veil, Dinky,** set Soopnoodle, "uf you
blease, exblaination me how could der Man
Pehind der Horizon vin der Baddle uf Sandy
Dago?*'

"Veil,** I set, "uf der Nafy Debardment und
Chon Long doan*d loog a leedle ouid der Man
Pehind der Horizon vill ged permission from
der bublic to sday pehind der horizon, und ven
he dries to preak into hisdory some vun vill
remofal der hisdory, und a vee leedle woice
vill say, ' Abril fool, alretty ! * **

"Vot is Mike Hanna*s obinion abouid der
Baddle uf Sandy Dago? ** set Soopnoodle.

"Veil," I set, "Mike Hanna und me ve haf

nod discussioned der madder since of er abouid

a year ago yet. Ven id vas der morning afder

D. Dinkelspiel

der Baddle uf Sandy Dago me und Mike Hanna
ve coUaborationed on a leedle poeticals vich id
vas superiority to anydings vot Shookspeare
efer dit. Perhabs Mike Hanna has seen der
Nafy Debardment und Chon Long since dot
dime und he may haf changed his mind abouid
der poeticals. I vill recitation a repetition uf
der poeticals, vich id is like dis :

Ouid from der Sandy Dago Bay
Cervera sdarded vun summer day,
Mit a vild desire to seek some rest
He sdeered his course py der sou '-sou 'vest;
Und Schley vas drinking his coffee veak,
Ven ub came a sailor man to sbeak :
" Der Spinnish fleet id is tooking a sneak —
Und Sampson sefen miles avay ! "

Den Kommydore Schley he yust chumped ub,

Ubsedding der toast und coffee cub.

He set to der gunner-mans, " Smoke ub ! "

He raised his hant, und der cannon's roar

Id tolt der baddle vas on vunce more,

Directioned dot day py der Kommydore —

Und Sampson sefen miles avay !

His Gonversationings

He chased dot Spinnish fleed, you bet !
All of er der vaves und vater vet.
(Uf dey valked on land dey'd be running yet!)
Den he lefd dem up on der Kooban shore,
Und he turned arount, der Kommydore,
To thank his sailor-men dot day —
Und Sampson sef en miles avay !

Und vilder sdill dem pillows uf var
Dundered along der horizon's bar;
Und louder yet to der flagship rolled
Der roar uf der baddle uncondroUed,
Making poor Sampson's blood run cold
As he thought uf der sdeak in dot fiery fray
Und himself abouid sef en miles avay !

Den Sampson set, " Mit my foundain pen
I vill sed myself righd mit der sons uf men.
I know dot I cannod mix ub in der short ;
But vait dill I wrode a long rebort,
Und all der vorld vill blainly see
Dot der fighd vas superintented py me —
No madder yust vare vas I at dot day —
Vich der same id is sefen miles avay ! "

Den hurray for Schley und his sailor-men !
Und annuder hurray yet vunce again

D. Dinkelspiel

For Sampson, too, und his f oundain pen !
* Bud you und me — veil, ve know vot's vot;
Ve know who baddled dot noble fought;
Ve know who geds der loudest hurray
For sinking der Spinnish fleed dot daj',
Ven Sampson vas sefen miles avay !

" Dunnervetter ! " set Soopnoodle. " Dit
Mike Hanna composition dot lufHy poeticals? **

" Mike Hanna he conipositioned all der
vords vich dey make similaridy rhymes mit
each udder, und I compositioned der resd," I
set, pushing ouid my chesd like a cream puflF
on accound uf der oxcidement.

" Ach, Himmel ! " set Soopnoodle. " I know
vot I vill dit ! I know vot I vill dit ! I vill
pud dot poeticals py my memory on und I vill
vent ofer to Vashington und sid on der mar-
pie stebs uf der Nafy Debardment und Chon
Long and recitationed id undil dey yell for
mercy. I vill dit id. Dinky ! I vill dit id ! "

Und den Soopnoodle disappearanced.

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL AT THE SEASHORE.

HE HAS A SESSION " MIT DER BROKERS."

Ven a man he goes py der seaside shore to
ged his health improvemented und his leg
pulled I dink ven he makes his brayers he
should say, " Leet us nod into demtation und
der vet vaves also."

De skurf , vich is der sviftness und der vet-
test part uf der ocean, id is a delusion und a
sneer, alretty.

Uf dare is anydings I despisal und hade it
is der skurf on dob uf der vaves ad der seaside
shore.

Katarina she is der reason vy.

Katarina she is my olt college chump ved-

ded vife vich she has been for fempf und swan-

sig years, und nefer yet before dit I vunder

vare is der diforce courd-house undil yestertay.

D. Dinkelspiel

Katarina she set py me, " Diederich, vy
doan*d you took me und vent indo der skurf
vare are der vet vaves? I dink vot I vould
like to make some svimmings uf you vill ged
me a red, vite, und plue bathing suid und a
life preservation ! **

"Katarina,'* I set, "demtation me nod! I
feel comf ortapility on der dry lant ; vot is der
use to vade ouid indo der vetness ^nd ged
frickles on der ent uf my nose? I vill vent to
der merry-run-around und ride mit you on a
vooden horsepack, und sqvander my vealth like
a spenttrift, bud I refusal to vent in der skurf."

"Diederich," set Katarina, "ve haf been
marriaged for fempf und swansig years, und,
darefore, I dink my suchchestion should be
actioned on midouid vaiting undil ve ged home
py der city, vare dare is no skurf in der vater
pipes.*'

Ven Katarina sbeaks mit tignity und fer-
mentation in her voice dare is nuddings furder

to argument abouid.

ik^.

His Gonversationings

Und so afder a vile ve vent und took off a
great deal less den ve pud on again, und ve
vent down on der beach uf der seaside shore.

Der bathing suit vich I vore id vas shord-
ness on de trouserings und dare vas nuddings
bud admosphere vare der sleefs vas cud ouid.
I dink der man vot inventioned der bathing
suit he inventioned also der Highlant Scodch-
nian und der disrobing dramaticals. Dare is
a similaridy bedween dem vich id is fery
much alike to each udder.

Veil, anyhow, I vaded into der skurf to vare
my knees dey vas shooking mit indicknation
ad der coltness uf der vetness, und Katarina
she set, "Diederich, vy doan'd you svim ouid
und float on der top uf der brokers? **

"Katarina," I set, "oxcoos me vot I desire

to lif undil my dying day midouid der bleasure

uf gedding drownded py sinking beforehant.

Uf you haf any desireability to fload avay on

der foaming skurf yust helb yourself, und I vill

promise to cherish your memory mit der recol-

D. Dinkelspiel

lections vot I rememper abouid you before you
vent py a vatery grafe. In der mean dime,
Katarina, I vill remain stationary in py der
seaside shore vare der skurf und der brokers
dey vas nod so tam athledic, alretty.**

"Diederich/* set Katarina, "id musd be a
dreadful afflictionment to be a cowardice like
vot you are/* Und den she vaded ouid indo
der vetness vare der skurf vas rolling in mit
der brokers.

Mosd mens dey hade to be a cowardice ven
der vimmen expectation dem to be brafe, und
darefore I vaded ouid indo der vetness uf der
skurf to abouid vare vould be my vishbone uf
I vas a geese.

Den Katarina she set, " Piederich, I am glat

vot you vas no longer a cowardice, und I hobe

you vill make some enchoyment in der skurf.

Uf you vill dake my hant ve vill make some

svimmings togedder mit each udder ouid a

leedle yet.**

Und yust den somedings habbened.

His Gonversationings

I doan*d know vedder id vas der Teutonic
or der Kaiser Wilhelm der Grosse, bud anyvay
id hit me abouid vare I make breathings, und
I yust obened my mouth und took a seat down
on der boddom uf der saldy ocean.

In der oxcidement uf der moment I forgot
to rememper dot der vise man keebs his mouth
shud, und darefore dot is der reason vy der in-
side uf me made resemblings to a ackwaryum,
mit eel-griss und lopster-salad und vales und
Spinnish mickerel svimming arount.

Veil, anyhow, afder I recofered der sensibil-
ities vich I lost, I set py Katarina, "Uf you
blease, meine liebe, make my apologizings to
der resd uf der bathing-suiders und tolt dem
dot I haf remoofed der ocean py misdake. I
hat no indention to svallow all der skurf, bud
circusstances alters faces ven you vas among
der brokers."

" Dit you feel any bedder now ? " set Katarina,

pale mit der viteness uf der fright, vich she

thoughd I vas drown ded.
7 97

D. Dinkelspiel

"Ja, Katarina/* I set; "I vas bedder, und
uf you vill blease ged a derrick elevator to carry
me und der ocean ub to der hodel I vill be ob-
ligationed, alretty."

" Dit id hurd you vare id hit you? ** set Kat-
arina.

"Nein," I set; "id nefer hurds a sdrong,
hearty man to ged his breathing machine sep-
arationed from him by somedings vich kigs
him so hart he doan'd know vare is his sensi-
bilities. Der only ding vot hurds me is dot I
vas nod brafe enough to be a cowardice und
led der vet ocean sday vare id belongs. Der
next time vot you demtation me to vent in der
vater, Katarina, I vill arrest you for a diforce,
und I bet der courd-house vill gif id to me,
too, also, right avay qvick, because you vas a
incompatibilidy and a foolisher.**

"Vot is a foolisher? '* set Katarina.

"A foolisher is a female foolishness,** I set,

und den ve vent home to dinner, vich I could

nod eat nuddings for abouid a veek.

His Gonversationings

POETS AND SAUSAGES IN A TRUST.

DINKELSPIEL MAY INCLUDE HAM AND EGGS.

AcH, Himmel! I haf been laughing mit
myself undil my body id vas sore vare are my
rips by der inside ouid.

Id vas Soopnoodle !

He made all der laughings pecause dot fel-
low Soopnoodle he geds so tvisted abouid der
Enklish lankvitch vich he is unaple to sbeak
id mit correction on accound uf de reason vich
id is der vay he doan'd rememper to pronounce
der vords vich he is nod familiarity mit,
alretty.

Veil, anyhow, abouid yesterday Soopnoodle

came py me, und he set: "Diederich, uf you

blease, I vould like you to information me

abouid somedings. Is dare any law vich vould

prevention me from sdarding a Trust? "

D. Dinkelspiel

"Nein, Soopnoodle," I set, "a Trust is a
necessidy, und necessidy knows no law.**

" How did you make id ouid dot a Trust vas
a necessidy? ** set Soopnoodle.

"Veil,** I set, "ve haf to haf der Senade
uf der Union Sdades ad Vashington, doan*d
ve?'*

" Ja,** set Soopnoodle.

"Veil, ve haf to haf chentlemens to send
dem to der Senade uf der Union Sdades in
Vashington, doan*d ve? **

" Ja,** set Soopnoodle.

" Veil, der rich chentlemens dey haf to haf
Trusts so vot dey can haf richness enough to
vent to der Senade uf der Union Sdades,
doan*did?**

" Ja,** set Soopnoodle.

"Veil,** I set, "der Senade is a necessidy to
der Union Sdades; der rich mens dey vas a
necessidy to der Senade, und der Trusts dey
vas a necessidy to der rich mens, und necessidy
knows no law — und dare are you! *'

lOO

His Gonversationings

" Dit you dink id vould be safe for me to
sdard a leedle Trust py myself, yet? " set Soop-
noodle.

" Dare vill be no danger, Soopnoodle, uf der
policeman does nod see you ven you knock der
man down und took his vealth. Uf you vas
afraid uf policemen berhabs id vould be bed-
der to send der poison through der mails, or
yust kitnap der poor man's leedle child. Any
vay I doan*d dink you vould be in any danger-
ousness yust ad bresent. Efery policemans is
so busy vatching der udder policemens dot
you could knock der poor man down in der
middle uf der sdreet und took his vatch und
chain midout gedding pinched/* I set.

"Diederich, I am astonishment!** set Soop-
noodle ; " vot you took me for — a highvay rob-
bery? I vas no buncum steerage! Uf ve hat
nod been olt friends since childhood for der
lasd two years I vould strike my fist on your
face, yet. Uf you blease, recollection who are
you dalking to! I vas no pickpogget. I vas

JOJ

D. Dinkelspiel

yust dalking abouid sdarding a leedle Skindi-

cate Trust."

"Doan'd got oxcited, Soopnoodle,** I set.
" Der similaridy uf der two brofessions dey

vas so much alike dot dey vas goferned py der
same rules. Der only difiFerence is dot der
man behind der pick he somedimes geds fife
years in chail, und der man behind der Trust
he geds twendy years in a brown-stone man-
sion mit feetmans ad der door und a dellyfone
in der cellar, und udder necesseraries uf life.
Veil, vot is der Skindicate Trust vich you haf
ub your sleef, Soopnoodle? *'

"Veil,** set Soopnoodle, " I haf been looging
around, und I haf discoferationed dot dare vas
a cubble uf dings vich vas nod in der Skindi-
cate Trust. Der besd skindicaters in der vorld
somedimes dey oferlook a good ding, ain*d id?
Veil, here id is. Dare vas 73,456 poets in der
Union Sdades und New Chersey. Veil, der
death records shows dot dey aferage abouid
fifdeen cends for efery poetry vich dey wride.

103

His Gonversationings

Dot is a risdickillusness. Fifdeen cends for
a poetry is a tarn shame, ain'd id? Veil, led
us make a Skindicate Trust. All der poets
dey vill got a chob shovelling coal or some-
dings so vot dey earn a tollar. Den ve vill
make dem pay der tollar into der Skindicate
Trust for a imitation fee. Veil, den ve sdard
der Skindicate Trust. Der newsbabers edito-
rials dey vant a poetry, und dey send ouid for
a poet. He comes in, und der editorial says
to him : * Wrode me a poetry, but vipe your
feets on der mat before you come in py my
vicinitude. Go on, now, und wrode me a poe-
try, und I vill pay you fifdeen cends ven id
is wroded.* Den der poet, vich he is in der
Skindicate Trust, he says py der editorial, * I
vill haf to charge you twendy cends for a poe-
try.* Den der editorial he geds mat und kigs
der poet down der stairs. Den der editorial
he sends for annuder poet, und he also vants
twendy cends for a poetry. Den, afder a vile,

all der editorials dey find ouid dot dare is a

105

D. Dinkelspiel

poet Skindicate Trust, und dey haf eider got
to suspension puplications or pay der twendy
cends, und der Skindicate Trust geds rich.
Ain'd dot a good Skindicate Trust, Diedericli?"

" I vas much impressioned mit der bossibili-
ties uf der ouidlook," I set, making markings
mit my let pencil.

"Veil, Diedericli,**set Soopnoodle, "now for
number zwei, vich is yust full uf ouidlooks.
Lisden : Dit you like sissage? '*

"Sissage!** I set. "Veil, somedimes I dit
like sissage. Vy dit you make asking? **

"Veil," set Soopnoodle, "so does Villum

McKinley, imd Ruzzle Alger, und Grofer

Cleellant, imd Tetty Roozelbelt, und Villum

Chcnnings Pryan — ve all like sissage und

Wienerwurst. Veil, sissage id is now abouid

twclf cents a pound. Vy is sissage twelf cents

i\ pound only, yet? Pecause sissage id is nod

in der Skindicate Trust, dot is vy. Led us

make a sissage Skindicate Trust. Den ve vill

say sissage id is now twendy cents a pound,

1 06

His Gonversationings

und doan'd you make forgeddings. Den Mr.
Astor, und Mr. Broadvay Central, und Mr.
Hoflfman, und Mr. Valdorf Hypen Astoria,
und Mr. Fifth Afenue, und Mr. Imperial, und
all der udders, dey vill got deir market paskets
und come py us, und dey vill say, * Vy is der
upvardness uf sissage?' Und ve vill say,
* Pecause sissage id is a Skindicate Trust,
alretty ! ' Und dey vill say, * Vot a tam out-
rageousness to skindicate sissage, py chim-
meneddy ! * Und den dey vill haf to buy der
sissage und ve vill got rich. Ain'd dot an-
nuder goot Skindicate Trust, Diederich ? **

"Sissage vould make a goot skindicate uf
der chentlemens vot you mention dey dit not
svitch off to ham und ekks,'* I set.

"Den,** set Soopnoodle, "ve vill also make
a ham und ekks Skindicate Trust.**

"Veil, Soopnoodle,** I set, "id is visibility

to me dot you vas somedings uf a Trust pro-

motioner yourself. I dink vot you vill got a

ledder from some uf der financialseers preddy

107

D. Dinkelspiel

soon right avay qvick vich dey vill offer to
make you a wice-bresident, und gif you a dark
lantern und a chimmy so vot you can helb
yourself."

Und den Soopnoodle he got provocationed
abouid somedings und vent avay mit himself.

io3

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL HAS A CHAT WITH

AGUINALDO.

By vot means dit I dittet id dare is no differ-
ence, bud I haf yust holded a shord gonversa-
tionings mit my olt college chump, Naggy-
naldo, vich he is der fat-headed chent vot der
doks uf var are chasing across der Phillypea-
nuts Islands.

"Wie gehts, Naggynaldo," I set; "I vish
you vould scradch der nexd lOO-yard dash off
der prokram und make some brief talkings mit
me vile ve gonversation mit each udder, yes.
Vill you dittet id, Naggynaldo? *'

"I haf no dime for monkey pitzness,** set
Naggynaldo, puffing like vun uf dem purpose
fishes in der vet ocean. " I am occupationed
mit carrying on der var. I hobe to carry on

der var as far as der nexd county before sun-

set. Doan'd interruption me, uf you blease.

109

D. Dinkelspiel

Dis is a goot dime uf day to carry on der var,
because dere is a breezes blowing und I can
make faster runnings mit my feets. Who vas
you und vot dit you vant mit me? "

"I vas Diedericb, from der Union Sdades,"
I set.

" Vas you any relationshib to Heiney Von
Diederichs, vich Chorge Dewey slabbed him
on der wrist? ** set Naggynaldo, sidding down
on a stumb und pudding vitch hazel on der
muckles uf his veary leks.

" Ja,'* I set; "me und Heiney Von Diede-
richs was relationshibbed by nationalidy, yes.
Ve both haf to broke ub der Enklish lankvich
a gread deal before ve can make speakings mit
it. Perhabs you vould recognition me bedder
uf I tolt you dot I am Dinky, alretty.*'

"Caramba und ach Himmel!" set Naggy-
naldo. " Is dot you, Senor Dinkelspiel ? Veil,
veil, veil, oxcoos me vile I make some arrange-
ments mit my face to make some glat laugh-

ings. I vas a leedle auspicious uf you ad fairst.

His Gonversationings

I thought you vas annuder vun uf dem ex-
pinchionists. Efery dime vot I meed ub mit a
expinchionist I haf to hand him a island, und
it is gedding tiresomeness/'

" How vas you gedding along mit Cheneral
Otis?" I set.

" Veil," set Naggynaldo, vinking mit his eye
und pumping up his bisoockle, " I vas nod ged-
ding on mit him so veil as I am gedding on
from him. Me und Cheneral Otis, ve are con-
ducting a fery pleasant leedle var, vich, ouid-
side uf der wiolent eggsercise I am gedding,
is doing no harm to no vun. Our relations
mit each udder haf been fery bleasant, owing
to der fact dot I am abouid der sviftest leedle
man vot efer vent down der pike on a dog trot.
Dere vas a rumor yesterday dot Cheneral Otis
vas beginning to mean pitzness because he hat
pud his viskers in curl paper und he vas going
to disgees himself as a gufiF player on der guff
links mit guff stoggings und foozle my ap-
proach, but I doan'd belief id, yet. I vould

III

D. Dinkelspiel

be exdreme habby mit my ent uf der var uf
I hat a cubble uf pacemakers und a boddle uf
chincher ale to drink bedween der heats.
Anyway, id is a fery delighdfulness vay to
spend der summer. Vot you dinks, Dinky?"

" I dink you vas a stupporn und ungratified
fellow, Naggynaldo,*' I set. "You doan'd
seem to unterstoot dot Uncle Sam he vants to
be your father-in-law, und he vants 'to intro-
duction civilizings und coon songs und cake
valks und udder necesseraries uf life among
der cidizens of der Phillypeanuts Islands, vich
dey are ad present appearing altogether in un-
dressed dramas und disrobing scenes. Uncle
Sam he is anxiety dot you beobles shall be-
come respectabilidy und stob vearing pajamas
ad an afdernoon tea. Naggynaldo, I am aston-
ishment mit der asdoundings vich make sur-
brisals mitin me because vy are you so dumb-
ness, yet.'*

"Veil, your surbrise id is elementary to
me," set Naggynaldo. "I vas yust a blain,

112

His Gonversationings

brunette chentlemans mit a forehead vot col-
lisions mit my hair almost instantaneous-
musly, bud I vould radder be a Phillypeanut-
ter in pajamas den a Union Sdadeser in a full
dress suid vich id cosds vun tollar to hire efery
dime vot I vent to a binkwet, ferstay ? *'

"You vas a incorrigibilidy fellow, Naggy-
naldo," I set, "und I doan*d know vot vill be-
come mit you. You vas making foolishness
mit yourself to carry dis var so far avay from
der baddle grounds. You may be a Phillypea-
nutter und you may luff your native lant, vich
is mosdly cof ered mit vater, bud rememper der
Maine und der Cristobal Coal On Board und
Hopson und der Maria Tarara und Cheneral
Shafder, also. Dey vare vunce as proud und
stupporness as vot you are, und vare are dey
now? Be varned before id is too lateness,
Naggynaldo. Make smilings ad der expinch-
ionists und der solchers. Make smilings ad
Cheneral Otis also, mit der oxcebtion uf his

viskers. Pud ub a electricsissity lightings sign

115

D. Dinkelspiel

ofer der cidy uf Hellohello vich id says, * Vel-
come/ Inwite der solchers und der expinch-
ionists ouid on der trolley cars to haf a pig-
nig mit you und make rechoicings. Call ouid
your fire combanies und make paradings und
horse-racings. Led your ladies pud on deir
full dress coral necktie beads und make flirt-
ings mit der solchers und der expinchionists.
Und ven der efening comes led all der cidizens
uf der Phillypeanuts Islands minkle mit der
Union Sdadesers und fall ubon deir necks und
call dem * my new-found brothers, * und kiss
dem mit all der vigourness uf deir passionate
nature uf der Phillypeanutters. I dink in
abouid ten minutes you vill haf your islands to
yourself s again. Anyvay, I know uf vun uf
dem Phillypeanutters kissed me mit all der
vigourness uf deir passionate natures I vould
gif her all der islands und throw in China und
Chapan uf she vould bromise not to dit id some
more. Vot you dinks, Naggynaldo? "

" Dot is der besd suchchestioning vich I haf

ii6

[^.

His Gonversationings

heerd, alretty," set Naggynaldo. "Yust as
soon as I completion annudder century run I
vill wrode ouid der invitationings. But I vill
nod inclusion Chorge Dewey."

" Vy vill you be so gruel to Chorge? *' I set.

"Because," set Naggynaldo, "Chorge has
seen der Phillypeanutters, und uf vun uf dem
vas to call him * brother ' Chorge vould hand
him a long, hard, svift kick vare dere is no
vearing apparels to intercebtion id."

Und den Naggynaldo made some loud laugh-
ings in der Spinnish lankvich und chumped on
his bisoockle to carry on der var as far as he
could before der efening got too late ad nighd.

D. Dinkelspiel

DINKELSPIEL MEETS ATKINSON.

THEY HOLD A SHORT GONVERSATIONINGS.

I HAF yust hold a short gonversationings
mit my esdeemed olt college chump, Edvard
Nitkinson, uf Boston, Munchingchestnuts,
vich he is der chentlemans vot acceptationed a
free pass from der Union Sdades Guflfemment
und vent in der grandstand und rooted for
Naggynaldo.

He is ad der bresent dime sidding on der
stebs uf der post-office debardment in Boston,
vissling for der ledder carriers vich dey refusal
to nodice him, bud efry vunce in a vile his 13-
inch woice breaks avay from ids keepers und
yust raises der deifel.

** Wie gehts, Nettie Nitkinson ! " I set, ven

I med ub mit him. " I haf nodiced your woice

traf elling around in der newsbabers, und I haf

118

His GonversationingJ^

yust called to congritulation you yet. Also, I
vant to information you dot der bublic vas
deebly gradificationed mit you for der hot vave
vich ve are now enchoying."

" I vas bleased to haf der bleasure uf your
ackwaintance, vich I haf not knowed before,"
set Nettie Nitkinson, bowing mit tignity, und
throwing a Latin tickshunary ad der cat.
"You vas Mr. Dinkelspiel, I presumability !
Vunce in a vile ven I haf nod been too busy
hearing myself I haf heard uf you yet. Vot
dit you mean ven you set dot der bublic vas
gratificationed py me for der hot vave? "

"Veil, Nettie," I set, "you vas a skientific
man, und you know dot skience can accom-
plishment some vunderful dings. Skience haf
showed der bublic dot ef ery time Nettie Nitkin-
son makes talkings mit his face he uses ub all
der cold air in der admosphere. Und skience
goes on to proof dot ven dare is no cold air in
der admosphere der hot vave has a chance to

got in ids vork und send der beobles down py

119

D. Dinkelspiel

der salt sea vaves. Darefore ve vas much ob-
ligationed to skience for dis discoferation, und
ve vas also gradificationed py you for using ub
all der cold vedder, vich id is a tain nuisance,
mit der excebtion dot id makes ice vater."

Nettie Nitkinson looked ad me mit der mosd
impressive solelemnidy.

"Vas you kitting me yet?" he set, afder a
long bause.

"Uf you mean py dot vord kitting vas I

choking mit you, Nettie," I set, "I vas nod.

Vun skientific man does nod kit mit annudder

skientific man. I haf been greadly inderesded

in der vords vich you haf peen using mit your

woice since der var proke ouid und proke in

und proke ofer. Der Guflferment in Vashing-

ton asked you to chaperon der var und you re-

fusaled, did you nod, Nettie? "

/■
" I refusaled to chaperon der var mit der

mosd emphaticationary vords vich I could find

in der cidy uf Boston," set Nettie Nitkinson,

gedding ret in der face mit der emodional

I20

His Gonversationings

insanidy uf der recollections vich surched
vildly through his het.

"Den id vas your obinion, Nettie/* I set,
"dot der Union Sdades Guflferment should
yust smile und say, * Oxcoos me, uf you
blease ! * ven some tam rascals Phillypeanuts
dey come along und gif id a svift kick in der
pants? "

" Pants ! " set Nettie ; " vot dit you mean py
pants? Der Union Sdades Gufferment doan'd
vear pants."

" Nein," I set ; " I vas yust sbeaking fikkera-
tively. I should haf set trouserings. Or per-
haps you vould perferation dot I say unmen-
tionables, yet? **

" Ven der idea is dare der vords vas imma-
derial," set Nettie Nitkinson. "I do not
belief in var. I belief in der Foard uf Arbi-
dration. I vas unudderably oppositioned to
var und fighting, efen ven my belofed fellow-
cidizens do der vork. I vould not vent to var
mit a muskitto."

121

D. Dinkelspiel

"Veil," I set, "uf a big, fat muskitto vas to
lant his troops on der ent uf your nose, I sup-
position, accorting to your theoreticals, you
vould send righd ouid und got a Poard uf
Arbidration to sid on him? "

Nettie set nuddings.

" Und uf dot muskitto vas like some vot I
haf med ub mit, dot Poard of Arbidration
vould arrife yust in time to attent your funeral,
vich is to-morrow."

Nettie set nuddings.

" I am glat vot you mention muskittos, Net-
tie," I set. "Der case is fery similarity to
der point vich ve are discussionating. Led us
supposition dot der Union Sdades Gufferment
he is Uncle Sam und der Phillypeanuts he is a
muskitto vich he answers to der name uf Nag-
gynaldo. Veil, dot tam leedle muskitto yust
flies around und bodders der life ouid uf Uncle
Sam vile he is yust stanting on der corner nod
meaning any harm. Veil, Uncle Sam he
sbeaks py dot muskitto chently, und he says,

122

His Gonversationings

* Vent avay now, like a goot muskitto, und
doan'd bodder mit me ven I vas nod boddering
mit you ! '

"Veil, Nettie," I continuationed, "dot mus-
kitto yust puds his feet ub py his nose und
viggles id, und makes laughings ad Uncle Sam.
Afder a vile dot muskitto lants on der tob uf
Uncle Sam*s hot, vich dare is a bald spot, und
he bites him und flies avay mit a merry Ha,
ha ! in his laughings. Uncle Sam he scradches
dot bald spot und he says, * I am a big mans
und I musd be patient mit dot leedle muskitto
bird vot he doan'd know any bedder! '

" Den, afder a vile, Nettie, dot muskitto
comes pack for lunch, und he selections Uncle
Sam's left ear, vich he eats mit great relishes.
Uncle Sam he says: * Look here, muskitto!
Stop id righd avay, yet ! I vas no lunch-house,
und I vas loosing my patience mit you ! '

" Den, Nettie, dot muskitto laughs heartily,

und afder a vile he comes pack und seddles on

der pale vite forehet uf Uncle Sam for subber.

D. Dinkelspiel

Den, py chimeneddy ! Uncle Sam doan'dvait
for no Poard uf Arbidration. He yust slaps
dot muskitto in der slats so hart vot he nefer
recollections vot habbened to him, und he
doan'd bodder der olt chentleman no more,
yet. Vot you dinks, Nettie? **

" I vas sdill uf der obinion dot Uncle Sam
should gif dot leedle muskitto a chance to talk
der madder ofer afder subber," set Nettie.

"Veil, Nettie," I set, "I haf no desire to be
personal, bud id vas my obinion dot der cog-
veels vich you use to make dinkings in your
brain dey vas pud in wrong side ouid.*'

Und den I took my hat und a umprella vich
looked like mine but cost more, und ve sepa-
rationed.

126

His Gonversationings

SIR CHARLES TUPPER ON WAR.

DINKELSPIEL FINDS HIM VERY FIERCE.

I HAF yust holded a shord gonversationings
mit my olt college chump, Sir Jarles Tupper,
vich he is der Canuckian chentleman vot is
running arount mit a dakker in his teeth und
a thirst for bleed in his abbetite.

" Wie gehts, Sir Jarlie ! *' I set ven ve med

ub mit each udder. "I subbosition dot you

vill nod recollection me because ve haf nod hat

der Measure uf meeting ub mit each udder

prefiously, yet. Uf you vill be goot enough to

svallow dot dakker und put avay dot Krager-

chack rifle behint der door, I vould like to

make some talkings mit you, alretty. Sir

Jarlie ! "

" Dit Villum McKinley send you to discus-

127

D. Dinkelspiel

sion var mit me? " set Sir Jarlie, pudding dei*
dakker in his boot-lek und biting der end ouid
uf a bumpshell.

"Nein," I set.

" Dit Mike Hanna send you ofer mit a prop-
osition to fighd a duel mit me und him, und
seddle dis var vich I may declaration ad any
moment uf I doan'd vake ub? "

"Nein, Sir Jarlie," I set.

" Dit Chincey Depoo make a new choke
ouid uf a cubble uf olt vuns und send id ofer
mit you so dot I vould make some laughings
und forget der ankryness vich id is rayching
in my bosom underneath vare is my necktie on
der ouidside? "

"Nein, Sir Jarlie," I set.

"Veil," set Sir Jarlie, vittling a stick uf

dynamite mit his chack-knife, " berhaps id vas

Tetty Loosebelt vot has been gedding gayness

mit himself vunce more, alretty! Dit Tetty

send you ofer mit a picture uf himself so dot I

vould ged frightened vare my knees vas shak-

128

His Gonversationings

ing und pud der var avay in der refrigerating
ice chest? "

"Nein, Sir Jarlie," I set.

" Veil, vot is der pitzness vich you vish to
make mit me? " set Sir Jarlie, svallowing zwei
pounds uf gun-cotton und gedding red in der
front part uf his face. " A man doan'd like to
be interruptioned ven he is encaged in build-
ing ub a var vich vill kill a gread deal uf valu-
able space in der newsbabers. Make announce-
ment uf der pitzness vich has broughd you in
my presence vare I am so ankry mit der in-
dicknation vich I feel tovard der Union Sdades
vich id is too tam fresh, alretty ! **

"Veil, Sir Jarlie," I set, "der pitzness vich

broughd me here id is mosdly to enchoy de

Measure uf your company, yes. Also I vish

to varn you. Sir Jarlie. You vas a preddy goot

fellow, Sir Jarlie, und I vould despisal to see

you got your ankle sbrained or your thumb

dislocationed in a var mit der Union Sdades.

Eggspecially vould I regret id ven I am able
9 "9

D. Dinkelspiel

to varn you und prefail upon you to postpone-
ment dis var vich is now up your sleef . Ven
dit you expectation to sdard dis var, Sir Jar-
lie?"

"Veil/* set Sir Jarlie, "no var can be suc-
cessfulness undil id geds in der magazines mit
pictures uf der bump-shells und der confused
beef und der silfer-plated trouserings uf der
officers und udder enchines uf var. No man
efer ran a var mit successfulness midouid der
magazines. Darefore I haf wridden der fairst
chabter uf my var, und I (Jink id vill broke
ouid abouid der fairst uf nexd month uf der
type-sedding compositioners make some hur-
ry ings. Vot is der varning abouid der var
vich you vish to varn me? **

"Dit you recollection Cheneral Eagan?"I
set.

" Ja, " set Sir Jarlie ; " ven he vas a stationary

vash-tub in Vashington ve hat smoky veather

in Canada efery dime vot he used his mouth

to make talkings mit. Cheneral Eagan cannod

130

His Gonversationings

play in my var. ' He is too vulgarity mit der
vords vich his woice uses to svear ad beo-
bles. I vant nuddings bud chentlemens in my
var."

"Id vould be a splentit vorld if ve could
take time to selection our enemies, Sir Jar-
lie," I set. " Dit you know vare is Cheneral
Eagan now? "

"Nein,"setSir Jarlie.

"Veil," I set, "he is ouid ad Howareyou in
der Hellolulu Islands saying vords unter der
volcaneums vich makes dem exblosion mit fire
und primstone und lava und udder hot tamales.
Der moment vot you pud your var in a naugh-
tymobile vaggon und sdard for der Union
Sdades, Villum McKinley vill send for Chen-
eral Eagan, und Villum vill set to him, ' Chen-
eral, took some of your lankvich und your
woice ofer und hit Sir Jarles Tupper mit id.*
Den your finishment vill habben righd avay
qvick. Took my atvice, Sir Jarlie, und pud

your var avay in some cool blace mit camphor

^33

D. Dinkelspiel

balls around id, so vot der muskittoes cannod
bite id."

"Nefer!*' set Sir Jarlie, tooking a pinch
nf gunpowder und sniffing id ad his nose.
" Nefer vill I gif ub dis var vile dare is a drob
uf patrioticness in der blood vich I am using
in my veins! '*

"Veil, Sir Jarlie," I set, "dit you recollec-
tion vot is all der drouble abouid ? Vot dit der
Union Sdades dit to you, und vot dit you ex-
pectation to vent to var mit dem abouid? "

" Vent to var abouid ! ** repetitioned Sir Jar-
lie, mit astonishings in his woice. " Vot dif-
ference does der odds make vot is our reason
for venting to var? Ve vas a gread country
und ve haf as much righd to vent to var as any
vun else, ain*d id? Udder beobles go to var,
und, py chimmeneddy ! ve vas as goot as dey
vas yet, too ! I supposition I hat some reason
for id in der fairst blace, bud I haf been so
ankry mit der matness inside uf me dot I

doan'd rememper vot am I provocationed

134

His Gonversationings

abouid. In der mean dime, you bedder vent
pack to der Union Sdades tind remoof der
Brooklyn Britch und Grofer Cleeflant und ud-
der landmarks ouid uf der vay, so vot ve vill
not step on dem ven ve invasion der lant uf
our hated foe enemies."

Und den Sir Jarlie presentationed me mit a
electricsissity torpedo for a keebsake, und ve
separationed.

135

D. Dinkelspiel

D. DINKELSPIEL AND A. CARNEGIE

DISCUSS THE SPENDING OF MILLIONS.

I HAF yust holded a shord gonversationings
mit my olt college chump, Antrew Camicky,
vich he is der millionaire chentlemans vot has
so much money to burn und cannod find der
matches, yet.

"Veil, veil, veil, Dinky! " set Anty, vissling
der "Plue Pells uf Scotland und shocking
me py der hants. " Id is a gread delighdful-
ness to meed ub mit you, alretty. Ja, you vas
correction abouid der vish vich I exbressioned
in der newsbabers. Id vas my intentionings
to gif avay abouid vun hunnert million tollars
in charidy. Haf you any suchchestionings
abouid id, Dinky? **

"Veil, Anty," I set, "charidy begins ad

home, ain'd id? **

"Ja," set Anty.

136

His Gonversationings

"Veil, Anty,** I set, "uf you vill yust chump
on der sdreed cars mit me I vill show you vare
is my home, yes! **

"Dot is a funny leedle choke," set Anty,
"und id amusements me fery much. Vot
suchchestionings haf you abouid gedding sep-
arationed from der money? **

"Veil, Anty,'* I set, "led us deliberation der
madder ofer togedder. Uf you blease, ve vill
Supposition dot I vas you and you vas me yust
for der time being. Veil, led us make pro-
ceedings. Pud down a cubble or sigs thousand
toUars.*'

"Vot for dit you vant a cubble or sigs thou-
sand tollars? '* set Anty.

" I vant to buy railroad tiggets for all der

veather mens und send dem ouid uf der Union

Sdades,** I set. "Den ve vill make all our

own veather, und uf a hot vave comes along ve

vill be ad liberty to tolt der policemans abouid

id und got id pinched, alretty. Pud down

sefen t'ousand tollars."

^37

D. Dinkelspiel

"Vot for dit you vant sefen thousand tol-
lars? '* set Anty.

" Ve vill organization a ice-cream trust tind
make buyings uf all der ice cream in der Union
Sdades. Den ve vill gif id avay midonid
money nnd midouid price to all der deserfing
young mens ven dey are ouid valking mit
deir sveethearts, vich dey chenerally haf a ice-
cream t*irst on dem four feets long. Yust
dink, Anty, vot sufferings und vorry dot ice-
cream trust vould safe ! All der young mens
dey vould haf a chance to take part in der
affairs uf sdade instead uf sidding around full
uf sorrowfulness because dey hat sbent to-
morrow's lunch money for ice cream. Pud
down zwei million toUars! '*

" Vot for dit you vant der zwei million tol-
lars? '* set Anty.

" I vant to pud id in der dreasury debard-

ment uf der Phillypeanuts Islands und den

notify der brofessional boliticians in der Union

Sdades dot id is dare. In abouid twendy

138

His Gonversationings

minuets afdervards ve vill nod haf any brofes-
sional boliticians, tind dare vill be so many
men running for office ofer dare dot Naggy-
naldo vill nod haf any room to run for der
voods. Pud down ten thousand tollars ! *'

" Vot dit you vant der ten thousand tollars
for? '* set Anty.

" I vant to inauguration a Dewey Dinner
Trust/* I set. " Id is my indention to buy ub
all der imaginations uf der chentlemens vot are
vorrying because Chorge is coming home mit
a abbetite on him like vot he hat nod seen any
vickles for zwei weeks. 1 dink id vill bring a
lod uf habbiness to der Union Sdades. Efery
fifth or sigsth mans vot you see he is vorrying
abouid Chorge's abbetite, yet. He is going
around vispering py himself : * Vot a shame-
fulness, vot a shamef ulness ! Chorge is so
fondness for piks-feet, und vare vill ve got der
money to buy him a piks-feet binkwet? * Vot
ve neet in dis Union Sdades, vich is der lant

uf der free und der home uf der inwestigation

141

D. Dinkelspiel

cotnickys, is a Dewey Dinner Trust — dot's vot

ve neet, Anty. Mit der ten t'ousand toUars I

vill inauguration vun, righd avay qvick. I vill

be der bresident und der segretary und der

dreasury debartment also, too. Den ven a

mans begins to vorry abouid annuder binkwet

for Chorge he vill make gommunicationings

mit me, und say : ' Dear Dinky, I haf yust

svallowed a splentit idea, vich id is dot ve

should gif Chorge Dewey a wienerwurst

binkwet mit Rhine vine on der side; make

der necesserary arrangementings, uf you

blease. *

"Den, Anty, I vould yust go to vork und

order a wienerwurst binkwet ad abouid eighdy

cends a plate und took der money ouid uf der

dreasury debardment. Den annudder mans he

vill haf a nightmares in der dreams vich he is

using, und he vill gommunication mit me,

vich he says : * Dear Dinky, der safedy uf dis

gread nation is ad der stake. Chorge Dewey

is coming home mit his tongue hanging ofer

142

His Gonversationings

der bullvorks tip der shib mit der hunker vich
id IS inside nf his vestcoat. Ve musd haf a
bolQgna-sissage binkwet for him ad der mo-
ment ven he is velcomed home to dis glorious
lant, vich vorshibs him und luffs him, mit der
excebtion uf dem vot vishes dey hat his chob.
Uf you blease, make der necesserary arrange-
mentings for der bologna-sissage binkwet ad
vunce/

" Den, Anty, I vill yust vent to vork und
order a bologna-sissage binkwet ad abouid
sefendy cends a plate und took der money
ouid uf der dreasury debardment. Yust dink,
Anty, vot a vear und tear dot vill safe on der
prains uf der chentlemens vich dey are now
vorrying abouid Chorge's abbetite. Id vill be
der greadest charidy vich could begin ad your
home or any vun else's home, ain'd id? "

"I agreement mit you," set Anty. "Dare

is much food und vickles for thought in der

blan vich you suchchestion. Accebt my con-

gritulationings on der prain vich you vas vear-

143

D. Dinkelspiel

ing unterneath der baldness uf your head,
Dinky.

"I vas much opligationed to you for der
suchchestionings, und I vill dink dem ofer
mit carelessness und deliperations, " set Anty.
Den he called in a cubble uf Highland laddies
und made dem ankry abouid somedings so dot
ve could haf some hot scotches togedder.

Den he vent vun vay mit himself und I vent
annuder vay mit myself, und ve separationed.

144

His Gonversationings

MR. DINKELSPIEL TRIES TO NAME

HIS SON

AND DROPS INTO POETRY.

Ve haf a leedle son vich ve haf been unde-
cisioned abouid calling him vot is his name
going to be.

Dare is a gread responsibleness abonid hand-
ing a front-door name to a leedle child ven he
is so young dot he cannot ged nb nnd throw id
ouid uf der vindow uf he doan*d like id.

Villnm Shookspeare wrode a book vunce
vich I bought id for zwei toUars mit a cheese-
cloth bindery on der onidside und a lot nf poet-
icals on der inside behind der cofer. In vun
uf his poeticals Villum puds his right hand in
der inside pogget uf his cutavay coat und says :
" Vot's in a name? *'

Down through der dark ages und der colored
lo 145

D. Dinkelspiel

ages tind der vite ages efer since dem vords
vas wroded peoples haf been sidding tip late
ad night, mit a leedle seltzer on der side, try-
ing to answer Villum's qvestion:

"Vot'sinaname?"

Dare id is. How does a leedle children kid
know vot is in a name ven he is too small to
open id?

Id is my opinion dot a leedle baby should be
a larche man mit a red und plue stripes in his
stockings und a cigaroot unter his face before
he is measured for a name.

Led us supposition a cubble uf cases vile ve

are vaiting to kill some time vich deserfs to

die. Dare is a leedle baby yust abouid sigs

veeks olt. Id has a face vich is stout across

der middle like a sofa pillow. Ids eyes dey

vas vinking und blinking, und dare is a cubble

uf preddy dimbles vare der chin vas last seen.

So far, so forth.

Der father comes in, und he loogs ad der

leedle baby. " Py chimeneddy ! " says he ;

146

His Gonversationings

"ain'd id abouid time vot ve hand dis baby a
name?" Den der mother comes in, tind she
loogs ad der leedle baby. "Sakes alive,
my gracious me ! '* says she ; " led us open
ub a can uf names und hand vun to der
baby ! "

" Vot do you suchchestion to call him ? " says
der father, making ub his mind nod to listen
to vot she answers.

" I haf a uncle vot has his life insuranced
for eight hunnert tollars,'* says der mother;
"und his name is Buckingham Bierbauer —
doan'd you dink Buckingham is a preddy name
to pud in a baby's vestibule? *'

" Buckingham is a goot^ big, fat name," says
der father; "bud I dink Algernon Montmo-
rency is more chenteel und refineried. Dare-
fore led us lose der eight hunnert toUars
vich your uncle may leave to some vun else
und fasten der baby to Algernon Montmo-
rency ! "

Ven a proud father makes ub his mind to

147

D. Dinkelspiel

call der fairst baby Algernon Montmorency vot
chance has der mother mit such a name as
Buckingham ?

Und so der ^eedle, veak, tmsuspicioning
baby is wrapped around der name uf Alger-
non Montmorency, und der father goes ouid
und celebrations der madder py gedding a
headache der nexd morning.

Py und pye afder a vile der leedle baby adds
abouid eighteen years vorth to his age, und
den he goes avay to a boiler factory to study
der profession uf being a prize-fighter. Vot
is der kinseykinces?

Algernon Montmorency is too heafy a name
to haf ven a young man is training to reduction .
his veight, und so he calls himself Kid Mc-
Ginnis. Und dot is der finish uf Algernon
Montmorency. Perhabs uf his father hat not
been so stucked ub und hat handed him der
name uf Villum, or Fred, or Heiney, he might
haf seddled down und turned ouid to be a re-
spectable buncum steerager.

148

His Gonversationings ,

"Vot's in a name? "

Der udder day I made dis qvestion ad Soop-
noodle, bud his reply vas a silence.

Soopnoodle can make more silence ven
he keebs still den any udder man vot efer
stebbed in front of a qvestion vich he can-
nod answer.

" Vot is der name vich you call your youngest
leedle child? " I set, vishing to ged all der in-
flammation I could on der supcheckt uf ouid-
side names for a boy.

"Veil/* set Soopnoodle, "my vife calls him
Chorge Vashington Binglespitzenhoffer Soop-
noodle, und den she goes ouid in der back yard
to recofer her breathe."

" Dare is a gread deal uf longness abouid der

name," I set.

" Ja! ** set Soopnoodle; "Shookspeare could
find a gread many dings in dot name uf he

vould take der time to vade around in id."

" Do you make der same pronouncement uf

his name as your vife? " I set.

151

D. Dinkelspiel

" Nein, " set Soopnoodle ; " I haf der asthma,
und I canned spare so much nf my breathing
vich is hard to get.*'

" Vot do you call him? *' I set.

"Veil,'* set Soopnoodle, **I chenerally call
him * Here, you! ' for a shortness."

" Dit you dink a baby should be oferpowered
und christened ven id is a youngster, or do you
belief in vaiting until id is olt enough to know
bedder? *' I set.

" Vot does your vife, Katarina, vant to call
him? ** set Soopnoodle, answering my qvestion
py baying no attention to id.

"She vants to speak his name like mine,** I
set.

" Poor voman ! ** set Soopnoodle ; " she means
veil, bud her heart has no more hardness den
a soft-boiled egg. I am surprisaled ad her ven
dare vas so many luffly names flying around
ouidside vaiting for some vun to sprinkle salt
on deir tales."

"Doan*dyou like der cheneral oudlook uf

His Gonversationings

my name? " I set, mit a tignity in my woice
vich made my vords crack open.

" Your name looks preddy veil ven yon vas
smoking your pipe behind id," set Soopnoodle ;
" bud yust dink vot id means to a preddy leedle
boy to vake ub in der morning und find a name
like yours sidding on his chest! **

"I vill dink id ofer,*' I set, looking ad der
door vare id vas vaiting to open uf any vun
van ted to vent home abouid deir pitzness.

" I hat no intention to puncture your feel-
ings,'* set Soopnoodle. "Perhabs some day
your leedle son may vent to Congress, und a
man in Congress mit such a olt-fashioned
name like Diederich might attraction der
police.**

Und den Soopnoodle vent home.

A larche bootchack veighing abouid four
pounds vent part uf der vay mit him, also.

Veil, anyhow, id is a hart madder to know

vot to call a leedle boy ven he looks ad you

mit dem vinking eyes, so ven any vun asks me

^S3

D. Dinkelspiel

I yust speak ad dem dis poeticals vich I wrode
abouid him :

Yust a leedle snuppy nose ;

Chuppy leedle fists !
Yust some pinkness mit his toes ;

Stoutness py his wrists !
Yust two preddy leedle eyes

Somedimes vot geds dim
Ven he makes some tearful cries —
Und

Dot's

Him!

Yust a habby leedle smile

Tvinkles mit his eye ;
Dot's to show us vot's der style

He vill laugh bimeby.
Yust some vords vich say, " Ah goo !

(Woice is radder slim !)
Yust a nod says, " How der do!"—
Und

Dot's

Him!

IS4

His Gonversationings

Yust some baldness here und dare,

Und a double chin ;
Yust a funny leedle stare,

Und a roakish grin.
Yust a leedle mouth vot keeps

Kisses on der brim ;
Habby ven he vakes or sleepj
Und

Dot's

Him!

155

D. Dinkelspiel

DINKELSPIEL SEES SIR TUMMAS

ABOUID DER SHIMROCK.

I HAF yust rowed ouid in my kit-boat to hold
a shord gonversationings mit my olt college
chump, Sir Tummas Lipton, vich he is der
chentlemans vot has broughd der Shimrock
ofer here to gif der Columpia an oxcoos to vin
der Temple Cub, alretty.

Dare vas a gread deal uf vetness in der ocean
ven I vent ouid py Stitten Island in my kit-
boat, bud Sir Tummas vas glat to see me, und
consekeritly I made enchoyment uf myself.

"I expectationed you before,'* set Sir Tum-
mas, ven ve med ub mit each udder; "bud
you vas bedder late den hardly efer. I am
fery much bleased mit der ocean you haf

around Stitten Island. I dink id vill be a goot
ocean to make racings in, vot you dinks,

Dinky?"

156

His Gonversationings

"Veil, Tummas,'* I set, "ve haf nuddings
bud der besd uf eferydings ofer here, inclu-
sioning der ocean. I dink der Shimrock vill
find dis der besd ocean she ef er sdayed behind
in. You vill nodice, also, too, Tummas, dot
ve haf preparationed some luffly sceneries for
der crew uf der Shimrock to look ad vile dey
vas finishing der race in fourth place. You
vill find us a thoughtful beoples, Tummas.

**Abouid der fairst ding ve recollectioned
vas der crew uf der Shimrock. * How lonely-
some der crew uf der Shimrock vill be far avay
from home und friends und der Brince uf
Vales, sidding on der deck uf der Shimrock
mit nuddings to loog ad bud a pale vite sdreak
uf canvas running avay from dem vich vill be
der Columpia,* ve set. * Led us arrangement
some sceneries for dem, * ve set. Und ve dittet
it, Tummas. Dare is Santy Hook, und der
Neversink Highlants, und der Scotlant Light-
ship — efery vun uf dem came orichinally

from Scotlant like der Shimrock. I dell you,

157

D. Dinkelspiel

Tummas, ve vas a thoughdful beoples, und ve
haf determinationed to amusement der crew
uf der Shimrock vile dey vas ouid ploughing
der rayching main in a foreign lant, abouid
two farm-lengths pehind some ploughing ma-
chinery vich ve haf inventioned ourselfs, yet."

" I can see der ouidloog midouid pudding on
my spegtiggles," set Sir Tummas, a leedle
freezingness in his voice because I alvays pud
der Shimrock so she vould vin der race if she
vas going backvards.

"Veil, Sir Tummas," I set, "I haf invita-
tioned abouid fifdy newsbaber chentlemens to
took subber mit me dis efening abouid dinner-
dime, und I vant to be in a bosition to explain-
ation to dem all abouid der Shimrock. Uf
you blease, Tummas, dell me how she is
builded, imd how much she veighs, und sket-
tera und skettera.'*

"Mit bleasure, Dinky," set Sir Tummas.
"Id vas my intentions to send ouid a circu-
lar-saw ledder und some bulletin boards vich

158

His Gonversationings

vould make all der necesserary explaination-
ings abouid der Shimrock, but uf you vill dell
der newsbaber chentlemens I vill be obliga-
tioned. Now, uf you blease, ged retty mit
your node-book to make some chottings down,
yes. Der Shimrock has a gread deal more
longness den she has videness — pud dot down.
Some uf der Shimrock *s longness id is ad both
ents uf her — pud dot down. Dare is less vide-
ness in der Shimrock vare der narrow part is
— put dot down.

" Ven der Shimrock is nod racing she runs
fore und aft ; ven she is racing she runs like
der deifel — pud dot down. Der lea scubbers
uf der Shimrock vas manufactured py der besd
scubbers builders in der vorld. Der bilge vater
used on der Shimrock vas made in Bilgium
mit a union label on efery boddle — pud dot
down. Der main boom uf der Shimrock is a
vunderful piece uf vork, und der main boom-
ing uf der Columpia vas done in der news-

babers — pud dot down."
11 i6i

D. Dinkelspiel

" Ach, Himmel, Ttunmas! " I set. "Dot is
der vorst leedle Enklish choke vot efer landed
in dis Union Sdades. Uf der Poard uf Healdh
nnd Docdor Dutty hear abonid id dey vill pud
you in der quarumtine ! "

" Ven I make leedle chokes like dot I claim
der prodection uf der Union Chack to safe
me,** set Sir Tnmmas. "Veil, led us resump-
tion. I vant der bublic nnd der newsbaber
mens to know eggsactly all abouid der Shim-
rock. Veil, from der blace vare she begins to
der blace vare she leefs der vater alone midouid
interfering mid it, der Shimrock has a gread
deal uf longness — put dot down. I vant to be
explicket mit der information vich I gif ouid,
Dinky. Ven der Shimrock is racing she uses
her chib-boom skysail, und her topgallant-mast
is closehauled mit a double-reef ofer der spin-
naker — pud dot down. Der coog uf der Shim-
rock came from Rotterdam, der larboard vatch
ahoy came from Amsterdam, und der capdain

doan'd gif a tam for any Yinkee skibber vot

162

His Gonversationings

efer boxed der compass mit his eyes shut —
pud dot down.

" Der crew uf der Shimrock can splice der
main brace in 1 134, Grinnich time, Chersey
Cidy liquids exceptioned — pud dot down. Der
Shimrock is longer from der gaflf-tobsail hal-
yards to der ent uf der flying chib-boom den
she is from der binnacle light to vare der
anchor is sidding on der catheads. Der cat-
heads dey vas made from Kilkenny cats vich
vun of my Irish friends killed mit a bootchack
— pud dot down. Dare, Dinky, I dink you
haf id all in a nudshell. I haf vithholded
noddings. All der points abouid der Shimrock
vas now bublic proberty, und I feel dot I haf
dittet my dooty.**

"You haf took me into your confidentials,
Tummas,** I set, " und I vill make rememprance
uf der kindness. Id vill be der mosd proud-
fullest day in my life ven I dell der newsbaber
mens abouid der double-reef ofer der spin-
naker und der gaff-tobsail hallyards. In der

163

D. Dinkelspiel

mean dime led me information you dot
Columpia is der chem uf der ocean."

"Veil/* set Sir Tummas, "der Shimrock is
from der Emerald Isle, tmd der emerald is no
slonchness nf a chem, too, alretty, ain'd id? "

" Horse tmd horses, Tummas ! " I set.

Und den Sir Tummas bromised to interfew
me a leedle later ven he remoofed der bami-
ckles from der Shimrock's keel mit his chack-
knife, und ve separationed.

164

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL SEES THE YACHT

RACE

WITH TWO TRIED AND TRUE FRIENDS.

I DINK midouid oxcebtion id vas der
mosd proudful moment uf my life ven my
lieber olt college chumps, Guffnor Tetty
Loosebelt und Chincey Depoo, acceptationed
my inwitation und vent ouid mit me to
see der yacht racings in my leedle kit-boat,
der Frankfurter.

Vot a lufHy duet und vun ofer ve made !

Tetty he vas sidding in der fairst end uf der
boat, und Chincey he vas sidding in der last
end uf der boat, und I vas der man behind der
oars in der middle bullvorks.

Ach, Himmel! Ve vas der unobserfed uf

all der observation ists !

Ven ve vare venting ouid through der Nar-

165

D. Dinkelspiel

rows ve met der vind on ids vay home for de
day, but Tetty set :

" Doan*d mind a leedle ding like dot. Led
der vind vent home nf id vants to. Ven
ve ged ouid near der Columpia I vill make
a spooch, und den Gott helb der Shimrock!
Sir Tummas vill dink she is nailed to der
ocean ! **

Chincey he vas bnppling ofer mit der choy
und oxcitement uf der occasion, und he vas
smiling so loud dot he svallowed a bunch of
skurf abouid a yard vide vich chumped ad him
ofer der larboard vatch ahoy part uf der kit-
boat.

" Here is annuder vetness coming! " yelled
Tetty in der front end uf der boat. " Make a
leedle choke, Chincey ; uf you luflf us make a
leedle choke qvick und frighten avay der ankry
biliousness uf der ocean ! *'

In der tvinkling uf an eye-opener Chincey

vas himself again. " Dare is nuddings unter

der heafens or in der vaters unterneath der

x66

His Gonversationings

tob part uf der earth vot can stob me making
a choke,*' set Chincey. " Ven," he set, — " ven
is a door not a porous plaster? "

" Dunnervetter ! '* set Tetty . " Dot is a goot
vun und a deeb vun. I gif id ub, Chincey.
Ven is a door not a porous plaster? *'

"Ven id is a boddle uf piggies! '* set Chin-
cey, und den ve all made such loud laughings
ad Chincey *s choke dot Herr Macaroni fell off
vun uf his vireless telegraph poles und disloca-
tioned his patent rights yust behind der fifth
rib.

" How is she heading? *' set Chincey to Tetty
ven der laugh subsidized.

"Northeast py east, two points north,** set
Tetty, "mit a still calmness vare der vind
ought to be.*'

"Id is an ill vind dot blows N. G.,** set

Chincey, und den ve all sat down in der bod-

dum uf der boat und laughed until our sides

vas hoarse.

After a vile I resumptioned my place as

169

D. Dinkelspiel

atmiral behind der oars, tind avay ve skibbed
ofer der vaters like a gazeteer skibbing from
peak to peak in der Alpine hat mountains.

" Dare is der Neversink Highlants," set
Tetty, Stan ting nb in der fairst end uf der
boat. " Dit you dink you can make a choke
abouid dem, Chincey? **

" Anyding vot is fastened to New Chersey
is no choke,*' set Chincey mit a solemness
vich made der cold shifers run through our
weins.

Yust den ve vas gedding near der racers,
und a woice came ouid uf der meckaphone
across der vaters, vich id set, "Kit-boat,
ahoy!'*

"Answer him, Tetty," set Chincey. "You
vas der mosd natural meckaphone vot efer took
der stump to ged yourself a chob in der inter-
ests uf freedom und liperty."

" Ahoy yourself also!" set Tetty, stanting

ub on der front pizazza uf der boat.

" Vot boat is dot? " set der woice.

170

His Gonversationings

" Id is der Frankfurter, bound ouid from der
Greatness uf New York und bound back again
ven ve ged goot und retty ! " set Tetty.

" Who vas in der boat? *' set der woice.

" Id is Tetty und Chincey und Dinky — der
heafenly triblets! " set Tetty.

"Veil,*' set der woice, "I am Fighting Bop
Effans, und uf you doan'd pud dot tam leedle
boat avay I vill run ofer you mit my torpedo
destroyments, I vill py chimeneddy und py
tam ! "

Tetty 's face id was vite mit an ankry pale-
ness, und he vas yust going to discharge der
whole navy ven Chincey chumped ub in der
last end uf der boat und set: "Vait, Tetty,
vait ! led me make a choke und pour soothing
skirrup on der troubled vaters! "

Den Chincey pud ub his hants py his face

und yelled ouid : " Hello, Bop ! I vant to

make a leedle choke ad you, uf you blease!

Explaination me. Bop, vy does a chiggen cross

der street? "

171

D. Dinkelspiel

" Because id vants to ged in der vay uf der
racers like all der udder tain fools,*' set Fight-
ing Bop, und den Chincey fell down in der
boddom of der boat so hard dot I vas sure ve
vould be dumbfoundered.

"Veil,** said Tetty, shooging his fists ad der
Navy Debardment, "you may be Fighting
Bop, bud I vill bet a ham samvich you cannod
come of er here und box our compass a cubble
uf rounds.**

"Doan*d, Tetty, doan'd!** set Chincey in
der boddom uf der boat. " Confine yourself to
der Baddle uf Sandy Dago und Saint Chune
Hill, und doan*d make der leedle chokes vich
I haf wridden down on my node-book. Id is
a gread gruelty to me und I am surprisaled
ad you.**

" Oxcoos me, Chincey ; in der oxcitement id

slibbed ouid uf me, but I vill apology und dit

id no more,** set Tetty. "Und I also refusal

to make my spooch vare der Columpia can

catch der vind und vin der race. Now,

172

His Gonversationings

den, ve haf our refenche on Fighting Bop
Effans."

Den ve vent back to der Greatness uf New
York, und vent to der Onion Leek Club und
made enchoyment mit ourselfs togedder mit
each udder und a cubble uf cold boddles oflE
der ice-house.

173

D. Dinkelspiel

DINKELSPIEL MEETS MR. ISELIN AND
CHATS ABOUT THE YACHT RACES.

I HAF yust holded a shord gonversationings
mit my olt college chump, Allofer Iselin, vich
he is der chentleman vot is sidding on der bow-
sbrit uf der Columpia, vinning der racings mit
vun hant tind keebing der creases in his trou-
serings mit der udder.

" I am delightfulness to see you ! " set All-
ofer, ven I vent ub der port vine side uf der
wessel. " Ve hat to vait a long dime for der
vind to change from a calmness, bud ven id
dit ve mate a monkey pitzness mit der Shim-
rock, ain*d id? **

" Ja," I set; **und I dink Sir Tummas Lip-
ton should nod be so selfishness abouid dis
madder, too, also."

" Py Chove! " set Allofer, sending his walet

174

His Gonversationings

afder der four-ounces gluflfs so vot he could
box der compass; " I doan*d dink Sir Tummas
has been selfishness, by Chove I doan*d ! Ven
dit Sir Tummas make a selfish, py Chove? "

"Veil/* I set, "Sir Tummas und Lort Beers-
forfour und der Dook uf Arkile und der Earl
uf Mackintosh und all der udder Irishers vot
are of er here to spend a cubble uf years ad der
races dey got lonesomeness, und Sir Tummas
vent und importationed a lod uf London fog so
vot dey vould not be homesickness. Ain*d
dot a selfishness? '*

"Dot only goes to proof,** set AUofer, "dot
Sir Tummas is a true son uf Gread Britain,
Vales, Irelant, Scotlant, India, und der Trans-
vaal uf dey haf any luck. Now yust oxcoos
me for a momentary, uf you blease. I vant to
vent und tolt der Captain dot a green light
means der starboard ent uf der wessel und a
red light means der port vine end. Efery
dime vot I dink uf anydings important abouid

sailing der wessel I haf to tolt der Captain. Id

175

D. Dinkelspiel

gifs me a gread deal uf trouble because I know
so tarn much, py Chove! *'

Den Allofer vent ub to der Captain und he
tolt him all abouid der chibboom tobsail und
der main gaff mizzenmast und a lod of infor-
mation vich der Captain dit not know because
he nef er took his lunch ad der Valduff- Astoria.

Afder a vile Allofer came back py me, und
ve resumptioned our gonversationings.

" I am fery much vorried abouid our span-
ker,'* set Allofer; "id doan'd seem to fit fery
veil."

"Vot is der madder mit der spanker, All-
ofer?'* I set. "Haf der children kids out-
growed der spanker or is id vore ouid from
too much eggsercise? **

"Py Chove! ''set Allofer, "dot is not der

kind uf a spanker vot I reference to. Id is

der Columpia's spanker.. Some lantluppers

dey sbeak abouid id as der spinnaker, bud ven

you vas an olt sea-dok like me und haf cruised

around der troubled vaters uf Fifth Afenoo id

176

i il#i;' *\

His Gonversationings

is bedder to say spanker. Oxcoos me yust a
momentary, nf you blease! Captain! Cap-
tain ! Send a cubble uf fairst-class navigators
to man der pumps, uf you blease ! **

Den a cubble uf sailors dey rushed ouid to
der pump in der back yard uf der Columpia,
und dare vas gread excitements.

" Vot is der madder, Atmiral? " set der Cap-
tain to Allofer. " Is she leaking? "

*' Py Chove, Captain ! " set Allofer, " I am a
sailor, nod a mind reader. How do I know if
she is leaking in der cellar ven I am ub here
on der roof garden? '*

" Veil, Atmiral, you set to man der pumps,
ain'd id? '* set der Captain.

" Py Chove, vot a foolishness! ** set Allofer.
" Is id a mutineer on der high seas vot you vas
making ad me? Keelhaul my blocks und
braces, uf you fellows doan'd make me a ner-
vous prostrations. Ja, I set to man der pumps,
bud I meant to man my patent leather pumps

— vare in der deifel dit you learn to vent down

179

D. Dinkelspiel

to sea in a shib? Der fog has took der shine
off my patent leathers, und ven I gif orders to
man der pumps, I vant you to complication
mit my requisition, I do, py Chove und py
bilge vater! **

Und den der fairst-class navigators chumped
around und dey manned der patent leather
pumps, und in abouid two minuets der Cup
was safe for der time being.

Den ve resumptioned our gonversationing.

"Allofer," I set, "vot dit you dink is der
prospectus? **

"Goot!'*set AUofer. "Der prospectus is
fairst class so long vot I keeb my health und
strength. Vile der vind remains a calmness, I
am teaching der able sailors how to make a bow-
line on a bight, und drilling dem in der marlin-
spike manual, und showing dem how to vent
down der fo'cas'le gangvay midouid breaking
deir necks ven der cook says der dinner is retty,
und uddervise making preparations to safe der

Cup. I dink I vill safe id. Yesterday der

1 80

His Gonversationings

Captain vas able to take a double reef in der
mainsail midouid gedding his feets tangled ub
in der gaflf tobsail halyards, und I feel much
encouragemented, py Chove! "

Yust den der Captain came ub und saluta-
tioned.

"I dink, Atmiral,** set der Captain, "der
fairst dime der vind is ouid gedding a leedle
fresh air ve vill pud der Columpia on der star-
board tack, vot you dinks? '*

" Dunnervetter und py Chove ! ** set AUofer,
"vy vill you nod recollection dot I am a
thoughtful commander? Vy? Id is nod
necessary to pud her on der starboard tack.
Only cheab peoples use dem kind of tacks.
I vant Columpia to haf der best tacks der
market affords, und I haf ordered a bar-
rel uf hard tacks from Delmonico's. Pud
her on dem tacks ven dey arrife, uf you
blease ! "

" Vot a sailor ! vot a sailor ! ** set der Captain,

und den he valked down to der afternoon part

i8x

D. Dinkelspiel

uf der wessel und looked oferboard ad der
vater a long, long dime.

Den AUofer tind me ve discussioned der ved-
der und der ouidlook for der society season dis
vinter, unt ve hat a luffly dime.

Den I shook hants mit him und he vent to
toll der Captain to ged a cubble uf bootchacks
to throw ad der catheads, und perhabs dot
vould be a mascot, und ve separationed.

182

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL CONSOLES SIR THOMAS.

HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS TO WALES.

I HAF yust vept ^ farevell gonversationings
mit my lieber olt college chump Sir Tummas
Lipton, vich he is der Irisher chentlemans vot
tried to lift der Cup und broke his back
bedween der masthead und der tobsail hal-
yards.

"Vot a pityful! vot a pityful! Sir Tum-
mas ; " I set, ven I climbed ofer der taffyrail
uf der Shimrock und seated myself on a bench
vare der green paint chumped off on my trou-
serings. " How vill you break der news to
der Brince uf Vales ? How vill you, Tummas ?
Dare he vill be stanting on der shore ven you
vent home, mit a market basket on his arm
vaiting to carriage der Cup ub to der Fairst

National Bank, und you vill haf to confession

183

D. Dinkelspiel

to him dot der Shimrock vent too fast back-
yards. Vot a pityful! "

"Don't sbeak abouid id, Dinky!" set Sir
Tummas. " My heart is a grievance vare id is
beading behint my breastvorks. Der Shim-
rock vas der choy uf my life, bud der gruel
biliousness uf der ocean v^t und pushed her
der wrong vay ! **

"Veil, Tummas,** I set, "id is no use to cry
ofer der milkman ven he falls in der pump.
Mit der sporting bleed like vot you haf der
only ding to dit is to vent home to Irelant in
der Highlants uf Scotlant und build annudder
Enklish wessel. Den ven you ged der wessel
builded pring Lord Beersforfour und der Earl
uf Fife und Drums und der Dook uf Arkile
und abouid zwei cyclones und a cubble uf gales
uf vind, und possibility you vill ged a run for
your pounds, shillings, und pences.**

"Ach, Himmel, Dinky,'* set Sir Tummas,

" dare id is ! How could you expectation der

Shimrock to vin ven der vind came ouid uf der

184

His Gonversationings

admosphere like vot id vas on ids vay to a
pinkness tea tind hat to hurry back home to
vent to der theatre party? "

"Oxcoos me, Sir Tummas,'* I set, "bud dot
vas nod der troublesome mit der Shimrock.
Dare vas a more importance reason vy der
vaves cholted her in der chuglar und refusaled
to led her pass.**

" Vy, you astonishment me ! '* set Sir Tum-
mas.

" I dit it because id is,'* I responsed.

"Uf id is annudder reason, vy is id?" set
Sir Tummas.

"Der Shimrock vent der udder vay fairst
before she vent der vay she should haf vent
because you dit nod haf a mascots,** I set.

A pale viteness vent ofer Sir Tummas vare
his face was looging ad me, und he made a
shudderings.

"A mascots!" he vispered, mit his mous-
tache clinched.

"Ja,** I set. "Der Columpia hat all der

i8S

D. Dinkelspiel

mascots und der Shimrock hat nuddings bud
sefenty-sigs captains und der coog. How
could you haf been so forgetfulness, Tum-
mas?"

"Vot dit you mean abouid der mascots,
Dinky? " set Sir Tummas.

**Vell, Tummas/* I set, "on der bowsbrit
you should haf hat a leedle chack-rabbit, dot
vould be goot luck. On der vindlass you shojild
haf hat a horse car, dot vould be goot luck.
On der forvard deck you should haf hat a"
larche vite vooly sheeps, dot vould be goot
luck. On der middle pizazza you should haf
hat a cubble uf naughtymobile vagons und a
pirdcage mit a round robin in id, dot vould be
goot luck. In der cellar you should haf had a
cubble uf elephants und a ton of coal und a
basket uf potatoes from der groceries, und den
all der Columpias in der Union Sdades could
nefer beat der Shimrock.'*

" Dunnervetter ! ** set Sir Tummas. " Haf I

been separationed from der Cup because I

i86

His Gonversationings

neglectioned der mascottings ? Uf dot is so
I vill nef er make an apology to myself, nefer !
Dit der Columpia haf mascottings below der
vater-line? '*

"She hat, Tummas!" I set. "She hat a
Skye-terrier dok on der chibboom gafftob-
sail all der dime. Dot is vy she vun der
racings."

"Veil, veil, veil," set Sir Tummas, "und
yust dink nf id ! I could haf borrowed vun uf
der doks uf var from Choe Chamberlain. Veil,
vot is done is dit, und der nexd dime vot I
make a race I vill discharge abouid sigsty-sigs
captains und put in der mascottings."

"Veil, Tummas," I set, "you haf my besd

vishes in der futurity, und ven you see der

Brince uf Vales gif him my luflf und tolt him

dot der ocean ve haf ofer here is so patrioticic-

ness dot id vill alvays led der Enklish wessel

haf a valk ofer vile der Yankee wessel has a

run ofer, und dare are you."

Den me und Sir Tummas ve exchanged pos-

189

D. Dinkelspiel

tal cards mit each udder, und he invitationed
me to come nnd wisit him in Irelant ven he
vas in Scotlant, und ve shook hants mit each
udder und separationed.

190

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL AT THE HORSE SHOW

STUDIES CROWDS WITH KATARINA.

I HAF saw der Horse Show !

Py chimineddy ! vot a magnificence place id
is for a poor man to vent und shook hants mit
himself because he is nod richness enough to
spend all his money buying his vife a milli-
nery store.

Mit Katarina, vich she is my vife, ve vent
togedder mit each udder to der Horse Show,
und ve vare der unobserved uf all der observa-
tionists.

Ven ve valked into der insideness uf der
place ve yust stoot dare mit a open-face look
on our expression because der luffliness uf der
skenery vas so beaudiful.

Vile ve vare stanting dare a nice leedle chen-

tlemans mit his hands full mit a silfer-barreled

191

D. Dinkelspiel

cane came up py us und set, " Uf you blease,
vould you objection to moofing along yust a
leedle?"

" Vot is der hurryfulness uf der necessity for
venting ven ve preferation to remainder vare
are ve?** I set, using all der society lankvich
vot I recoUectioned in der sentence ven I
sboke id.

** My pardon is yours to apologize ! ** set der
nice leedle chentlemans, making a bow ad us;
"bud my vife vich she is about fifty feets
ahead uf me she vishes to valk around, uf you
blease!"

"Veil/* I set, blushing mit der flattery uf
der sitivation, "your vife gifs me a great
honor, und you can information her dot she
has my permission to valk around until she
sprains her ankles uf she vishes/*

"Veil, den,** set der nice leedle chentlemans,
" step off der train uf her dress, uf you blease ! **

Ach, Himmel! vot a fashionableness id is

der vimmens haf ! Mit herself a voman leafs

192

His Gonversationings

der Horse Show ad abouid 5 130, und her train
id does nod leef until fifteen minuets later.

" Look ! ** set Katarina, ven ve resumptioned
our valk, " dare is Mrs. Goldbubblespitz, from
der Fifth Afenue! Ain*d she a handsome-
ness?**

"Ja,** I set, "I am sticked on der eel-skin
gown vich she vearing. Now dot is my idea
uf a gown, Katarina. Look at dem concertina
pleats und der shirred yolk of an egg trim-
mings on der tunic vare der bolero geds cut on
der bias across der chiflfon vare id runs into
der hem-stitch uf der petticoat on der ouidside
uf der pompadour shirt vaist ! "

" Vare dit you learn to be a Horse Shower? "
set Katarina, mit an astonishment in her woice
vare id chumped ouid uf her vikkle chords.

" Ha! ha! " I set, using a laugh vich I vunce

heard a Vall-Street broker make id. " Do you

dink I haf minkled mit society for nuddings ?

Vy, I vas nod in New York zwei veeks before

I learned dot id is nod der proper capers to eat
13 193

D. Dinkelspiel

sauerkraut mit a knife ad der ValduflE- Astoria.
Nexd veek I intention to learn how to eat sis-
sages mit a spoon, und den I vill be a society
man, und I vill vent around ordering vine und
cabs und naughtymobile vaggons yust like der
real ding. Look! dare is Mrs. Schutsenfest
leaning on der arm uf der Prince uf Per-
hapsburg — ain'd she a deliriousness mit her
beauty?'*

" Is id necessary to make a hysterical fit ofer
efery preddy voman vot you see?" set Kata-
rina.

"Nein," I set, looking ad der program,
"der cheneral rule is ven you see a preddy
voman to make a scandal abouid her, but I haf
nod graduationed dot far yet."

"Aber Dunnervetter! " set Katarina, gasp-
ing mit her breathe, " look ad dot biscuit-cloth
ulster — id is a dream ! "

" Ja," I set, "und ven der husband uf der

hot biscuit-cloth ulster got der bill I bet your

life id vas a nightmare. Here ve are ad der

194

His Gonversationings

box uf der Silverpiggles. Dot is Mrs. Silver-
piggle sidding dare mit der cat-stitched cor-
sage mit der crepe de chine gloves ofer der
background uf herring-bone welwet vare
der guimpe chewels vas shining in der pol-
onaise embroidery. Vot a spectacular, ain'd
id?"

" Ja/* set Katarina, " bud who vas dot larche
collection uf chentlemens stanting ofer dare
vich dey vas all dressed alike? **

" Vy, Katarina! ** I set, "you musd be ged-

ding a nearness in your sight. Dot is nod a

larche collection uf gentlemens. Id is Mr.

Fatness Bates, der chentlemans vot inven-

tioned der plan to make der Madison Sqvare

Garten hold him und der Horse Show ad der

same dime. Dit you nodice dot man ofer dare

mit a face like der Prince uf Vales und a valk

like a trolley car? **

" Ja, ** set Katarina, " is he a nobleness from

ofer der vater? **

"Nein, " I set, "bud he is a disappoint-

195

D. Dinkelspiel

mented man yust der same. He hat a great
sorrowfulness come into his life vunce.'*

" You gif me an interest, '* set Katarina ; " tolt
me der story as you proceed/*

"Veil/* I set, "vunce ven he vas a young
foolisher he brought a splentit horse to der
Horse Show/*

"Und dit id took der plue rippon?** set
Katarina.

"Nein," I set, "id took der pneumonia und
died uf olt age vaiting for der peoples to turn
arount und look ad id.'*

Den ve stoot still a vile und vatched der
peoples who vare vatching some vun else.

Dare vas Miss Gigglestootsenstuflf mit a
vite silk torso on her bodice trimmed mit
wiolets und sealskin mit a applique pie
effect on der brown corduroy end uf der hat-
pin.

Und dare vas Mr. und Mrs. Snifflewiener-

swipe, und she hat on a welwet dressing sack

trimmed mit diamonds before der price vas

196

ff.

His Gonversationings

raised, und vite lace vich she vore on a chair to
show how preddy id vas.

Und dare vas der Diflfenspitter family mit a
vite guimpe trimmed mit blue sable fur ofer a
sealskin otter background mit a chicken-stitch
embroidery on deir goloshes.

Ach, Himmel! der stunningness uf der
spectacular vould gif any vun an unconscious-
ness.

Den ve vent ouid und vent home on der
front end uf a horse car so dot ve could see
vot dit a horse look like.

199

D. Dinkelspiel

DINKELSPIEL DRAWS OUT PLATT.

GONVERSATIONINGS MIT DER BOSS ALRETTY.

I HAF yust holded a shord gonversationings
mit my olt college chump, Tum Piatt, vich he
is der chentlemans vot is sidding on der Sdade
uf New York und lets his feets sving over.

"Veil, Tummy," I set, ven ve med ub mit
each udder, "doan'd you find id is a great
sdrain to own der Umpire Sdade, und is nod
der vear and tear on your brain calculationed
to gif you nerfous brostrationings? **

"Wie gehts. Dinky!** set Tum, shocking

my hand und pulling der leedle viskers vich

dey decoration his chin mit der udder. " Id

gifs me delightfulness to be vare you are in

my presence, yet. Von*t you took a chair und

smoke vun uf your own cigars mit me? Mit

der exception uf ven id is somepody else's

200

His Gonversationings

treat I haf gifen ub der use of tobacco. So
you haf an idea vot id is calculationed to gif
me nerfous brostrationings to own der Umpire
Sdade? How foolishness, Dinky! how fool-
ishness! Ven you vas a leedle fellow mit
patches on der sead uf your trouserings, und a
stone bruises vare your toe ought to be, dit
you efer drife der cow caddie home ven der
efening vas full uf twilight? **

"Ja, Tummy!" I set.

"Veil,** set Tummy, "ven you vas a leedle
fellow mit your heart full uf hope und so many
freckles on your nose dot dare vas no room for
your face, dit you efer took a stick und drife
der sheeps ouid uf der meadow? *'

"Ja, Tummy!" I set.

"Veil,** set Tummy, "ven you vas a leedle
fellow down on der farm mit your back full uf
calico undervear und your hair full uf hayseed
und udder products uf der soil, dit you efer
took a hoe und drife der geese birds ouid uf
der garden? **

20I

D. Dinkelspiel

" Ja, Tummy ! " I set.

"Veil,** set Tummy, "dit any uf dese pro-
fessional encagements gif you nerfous brostra-
tionings? "

" Tummy,*' I set, " uf you haf turned dis un-
f ormal meeding uf two olt college chumps into
a Machette Investigationings I musd refusal to
answer on der grounds dot I do not care to in-
crimsonate myself.**

"Nein,** set Tummy; "dare is only vun
Machette. Investigationing Comicky, und none
udder is genooine midouid id has der name uf
Mozz blown in der muzzle. I haf yust asked
you dese inderrogationings so dot I can Ulus-
drade my own bosition in der Umpire Sdade,
Dinky. Dit you efer drife der cow caddie
or der sheeps or der geese birds? Und dit
you got nerfous brostrationings ven you dit
id?"

"Nefer, Tummy," I set, mit deeb feeling.

" Veil," set Tummy, " men are jnist like cow
caddie und sheeps und geese birds. Ven a

2P2

'^l

^^fc

His Gonversationings

man knows how to drife dem broberly, avay
dey go midouid stobbing to ask vare vill dey
vent. Id is der mosd simblicity ding in der
vorld, Dinky. I am der illustration. I haf
been drifing men ahead uf me for der lasd
twendy years. Efery day I drife dem, from
der Bureau uf Buffalo righd down to der
Bureau uf Manhattan und der Bureau uf der
Bronchos. Und all der capital I hat to sdard
mit vas a high forehead und both lungs full uf
ready-made promises.*'

" Do you inclusion Tetty Roozlebelt mit der
resd uf der communidy vich you drife down to
der pump efery day, Tummy? " I set.

"Und vy nod?" set Tummy, mit surbrise-

fulness. "Yust because he cabdured der

blockheads on der top uf San Chune Hill is he

any bedder den any vun else ? Who vas id

introductioned Tetty to der var? Id vas

Tummy. Who vas it inwented der Rough

Riders und subblied dem mit Tetty Roo»

und ham samviches ? Id vas Tummy,

205

D. Dinkelspiel

vas id insbirationed Tetty to vent ub der San
Chune Hill, vare der blockheads vare vaiting
to be cabdured J Id vas Tummy. Who called
Tetty home from der var mit der odor uf con-
fused beef writing ids name across der ouid-
side uf his eyeklass spectacles? Id vas Tum-
my. Who sent him down py Oysder Bay, vare
der rupper-neck clams und der tax-dodging
stories grow ? Id vas Tummy. Who nomina-
tioned him to be der Guffernor? Tummy.
Who electioned him? Tummy. Und who
vill pass him a svift kick in der slads if he
doan'd dit vot I tolt him? Id vill be Tummy,
f erstay ?

" Ven you read in der newsbabers dot Tetty
Roozlebelt has a sqvare, firm chawbone, turn
ofer on der nexd page, und you vill find dot
all sqvare, firm chawbones loog alike to Tum-
my Piatt. Ven you read in der newsbabers
dot Tetty Roozlebelt has a stiff ubber lib, turn
ofer on der nexd page und you vill find dot

der stiff ubber lib has nod been constructioned

206

His Gonversationings

vot has any terrors for Tummy Piatt. Ven
you read in der newsbabers dot Tetty Roozle-
belt has a backbone like a ramrod, turn ofer
to der nexd page, und you vill find dot ram-
rods are ouid uf date mit Tummy Piatt, for he
uses a machine gun. Und dare are you! *'

"I am glat to unterstoot all abouid Tetty
Roozlebelt," I set. "Now, uf you blease,
Tummy, exblanation me somedings abouid der
Machette Investigationing Comicky. Haf you
hat id set to moosic yet? '*

"Der moosic is all incidental,** set Tummy,
making some sad, sveet smilings.

" Dit you dink New York vill ef er grow big
und sdrong enough to got along midouid a
Investigationing Comicky? ** I set.

"Nod vile I haf my health und sdrength,**

set Tummy. " Id is a great bleasure to me

to vipe my feets on der Umpire Sdade, und

mit der kind assistings uf Herr Mozz und

Herr Machette I vill continuation to vipe

dem!**

207

D. Dinkelspiel

Und den vun uf Tummy's expressless vag-
gons drofe ub, und Tummy vent ouid to hold
der horse vile der drifer vent to got his lunch,
und ve separationed.

^08

His Gonversationings

DINKELSPIEL EXPLAINS THE DREY-
FUS CASE.

I HAF 3rust been gonversationing mit my
vife, vich she is Katarina, abouid der tobies uf
der day, vich she is nod familiaridy mit like
me, yet.

Ach, Himmel! dem vimmens! dem vim-
mens ! how dey vill make gonversationings mit
deir woices abouid dings dey doan'd know vot
am I dalking abouid !

Veil, anyhow, Katarina she set py me,

".Diederich, if you blease, make some exblain-

ation ad me abouid der Driffus case vich id

vas orichinally a natif uf France und is now

trafelling all ofer der vorld. Vy dit Driffus

hit dot fellow Bordereau ofer der head mit a

stuffed clup, und vy dit Driffus gif dot fellow

Dossier some Chim Cheffries punches below

der belt ven he vas nod looging? "
14 209

D. Dinkelspiel

"Katarina," I set, *'der vay you vas tvisted
abouid dis madder is der vorst mixing ub vot I
efer saw any vtm raddled abonid. Der Drififus
case id is der mosd simblicidy case vot id is
possibilidy to be. Id is so blain und so sim-
blicidy dot efery man, vimmen, und children
in der Union Sdades understants id in a differ-
ent vay. Now, uf you blease, Katarina, made
some attention ad me und I vill exblaination
der whole madder :

" Vun day abouid seferal years ago Driffus
he vas valking down der Rue de Bologna und
he med ub mit a fellow py der name uf Leedle-
neck Clams. Driffus he vas der Cabdain uf
Combany A, National Guard uf der Sdade uf
New Chersey, und Leedleneck Clams he vas
der Fairst Lefftenem uf Combany B, National
Guard uf der Sdade uf Merrylant. Dare alvays
vas a gread rivalness bed ween dem.

" * Wie gehts ! * set Driffus to Leedleneck
Clams ; ' vill you choin me mit a absent f rippy,
vunce, yet? '

2IO

i i
» .

(( <

His Gonversationings

" ' How dare you set vot you set to me? ' set
Leflftenem Leedleneck Clams, gedding ret in
der front bart uf his face.

" * Vot dit I set vich I should not haf set ven
I set id ? * set Driffus, getting retty to fighd a
duel.

You set, " Wie gehts! ** sir, dot is vot you
set, und I belief dare is some treasonableness
behind id,* set Leedleneck Clams. ' I haf a
suspiciousness dot der vords vich you set dey
vas Cherman, und I vill sbeak abouid id to a
cubble uf goot liars vot I know, und perhaps
ve can separation you from your chob, yes/

" Den Lefftenem Leedleneck Clams valked
off down der Rue, und Cabdain Driffus vent in
Bauerschmidt's und took his absent frippy mit
himself.

" In abouid two veeks a debudy cheriflf valked

ub to Cabdain Driffus, und he sfet : ' Oxcoos

me, Cabdain, bud I vill haf to pinch you, yet.

Come mit me down to der Cendral, uf you

blease ! *

3x3

D. Dinkelspiel

" Der debudy cheriflf he took Cabdain Driffus
ub before der Sergeant. Der Sergeant his
name vas Smeltzer. Smeltzer's fairst vife vas
a cousin to der Poofnickles vot liff on Second
Afenne.

" * You are gnildy, Cabdain ; vot dit you
dit? ' set der Sergeant.

" *I don'd know vot dit I dit, bud I vill pay
der fine uf you neet der money, ' set der Cab-
dain.

"Und yust den eighdy-nine Chenerals
uf der Rekular Army und forty-sefen

Colonels und der Minister uf der Var und
his whole family valked into der station
house.

" * I vant to haf fair play here, * set der Min-
ister uf der Var, * und, darefore, I belief dis
man to be guildy no madder vedder dit he dit
anyding or nod. Uf you blease, Sergeant,
sendence dis man to der resd uf his lifedime
in chail. I haf an encagement to go ouid on

der guff -links und blay some guflf dis afder-

214

His Gonversationings

noon, but perhabs abouid nexd Friday or Skit-
terday afdernoon I vill loog ofer der efidence
to see how much is he guildy. Aus mit him !
Aus mit him ! '

"Und den der eighdy-nine Chenerals und
der forty-sefen Colonels dey chumped ub in
der air und dey cricked deir heels togedder,
und dey set : * Vive le France ! To der dok-
catchers mit Driffus ! A bas Driffus a cubble
uf dimes, also ! *

" Und den Leedleneck Clams poked his head
py der door in, und he set, * Now vill you set
" Wie gehts! *' to me any more, alretty, ven I
do nod comprehension vot id is you mean ven
you set it ? *

" Und den der Sergeant ad der Cendral he
sendenced Cabdain Driflfus to sbend der resd
uf his nadural lifedime on an island in der
South, vare der deifel geds his hot air to varm
ub his recebtion-rooms.

" Vun day, afder Cabdain Driffus vas per-

spirationing for abouid seferal months on

215

D. Dinkelspiel

der island, vich der French borrowed from
der deifel, der Minister uf der Var voke
lib.

" * Ach, Himmel ! * set der Minister uf der
Var to der office boy ; ' I haf made a awful mis-
dake. Run ouid nnd dell der Chenerals uf der
Army und der Colonels to come here righd
avay qvick ! *

"Zwei hunnert und fifdy-sefen Chenerals
und drei thousand Colonels rushed ub der
sdairs. * Ach, Himmel! ' set der Minister uf
der Var, ' vot a misdake ! Vot a awful mis-
dake! Vot a awful misdake! Vot a misdake
abouid Driffus ! *

*' ' Vot id is? * set all der Chenerals und der
Colonels.

" Der vet veepings vas running down der

face uf der Minister uf der Var. * How could

ve haf made such a misdake ! ' he exclama-

tioned. ' Id is awfulness ! I vill never fergif

you for doing vot I dit ! *

" * Vich vay vill ve yell ? * set one uf der

216

His Gonversationings

Chenerals. Ve vant to make an a bas und ve
doan'd know vich vay to make id/

" * Ach, Himmel ! * set der Minister uf der
Var, * chustice musd be done, even uf der heav-
ens fall onid. Ve haf mate a awful misdake;
darefore led us rectification id ad vunce. Ven
ve sendenced Cabdain Driffus to his lifedime
ve forgot to fine him anydings. He may haf
money, berhaps. Ve haf oferlooked some bet-
tings. Chustice, efen uf der heavens fall ouid !
Led us pring him pack from der DeifeVs Island
und fine him a cubble uf million francs, uf he
has id/

" ' Vive le France ! * set der Chenerals und
der Colonels, und den dey all rushed down py
der dellygraf office und sent a collect message
to Cabdain Driffus to come home on der nexd
sdeamer, vich he dit.

" Und dare he is now down ad der Cendral
before Sergeant Smeltzer und der Minister uf
der Var, und all der Chenerals und der Colo-
nels dey are trying to proof dot he haf zwei

217

D. Dinkelspiel

hunnert und ninedeen tollars in a building und
loan assisiation, vich dey need in deir pitzness."

"Veil," set Katarina, "dot is fery blain und
simblicity, bud vot dit Cabdain Driflfus dit van
he is nod guildy uf ditting id? **

Ach, Himmel! Vimmens is der deifel for
sbeaking der foolish vords vich is in deir
woices, ain*d id?

2.S

His Gonversationings

MR. DINKELSPIEL MEETS JEFFRIES.

HE TELLS THE CHAMPION WHAT HE THOUGHT

OF THE GREAT FIGHT. .

I HAF yust holded a shord gonversationings
mit my lieber olt college chump Chim Chef-
fries, vich he is der human railroad accident
vich vent to a pinkness tea mit Tum Shirkey,
der human boiler oxplosion.

" Veil, Chim ! ** I set ven ve med ub mit each
udder, " I unterstant dot you vent ouid der ud-
der night und made some enchoyment for your-
self und Tum Shirkey! ' I haf alvays been a
great admiration for der chentle skience uf
prize-fighting, bud dot was der f airst dime I
efer saw a stone-quarry trying to vip der day-
lights ouid uf a coal-mine. Dit id hurt you,

Chim, ven you got a smash on der rips vot

219

D. Dinkelspiel

charred der whole ocean front uf der Umpire
Sdade?"

"Wie gehts, Dinky!" set Chim, making a
shord-arm chab to shook hants mit me, vich I
side-stebbed und avoidanced mit cleferness.
" Dit you see der baddle, Dinky? *

" Ja," I set, " I vas looging ad id mit der ox-
cebtion uf der dime ven der electricsissity
lights put my lamps on der bim! "

" Put your lamps on der bim ! '* repetitioned
Chim. " Vot dit you mean py such lank vich ? '*

" Ha! ha! " I set. " I am nod a prize-fight-
ingist, bud, py chimeneddy, I am a sport mit
der vords I make ! You can make your life a
bet on dot ! Ven I say der electricsissity lights
put my lamps on der bim I haf reference to
der vay I cannod see mit my eyes because der
electricsissity lights pud dem on der bim — on
der bim, ferstay? '*

" Aha ! " set Chim, laughing in his sleef be-
cause his chest hat such a soreness. " Now I

recognition der meaning uf your vords, bud

220

His Gonversationings

ven you sbeak ad me I alvays haf to uppercut
your vords a cubble uf dimes before I know vot
is id you vas talking. Vot is your opinion in
your estimation uf der fight I hat mit Turn
Shirkey?"

"Veil, Chim,** I set, "id is a great mysteri-
ousness to me vy der undertaker had nod some
pitzness to attendance to right avay ven you
und Tum passed der complimentaries uf der
season ad each udder. Haf you got your solo
appoplexus tied ub in a red flannels? **

"Nein,*' set Cheff, "my solo appoplexus is
still doing solos ad der same olt stand."

"Veil, Chim," I set, "how does id feel to
ged a smish in der solo appoplexus? **

" Pud your pipe und your hat on der chair
und I vill illustration der sensationalism py
gifing you a shord-arm cholt,*' set Cheff.

" Uf id is all the same to you, Cheff, I vould
pref eration^ dot you sbeak abouid it," I set.
" Id might pleasure my heirs und assignments
fairst rate to haf you illustration der madder

221

D. Dinkelspiel

py handing -me a shord-arm cholt, bud I alvays
hat a gread fondness for dying py degrees und
nod py a sviftness. Sbeak id to me, Cheff»
sbeak id to me ! "

"Der blows vich a prize-fightingist makes
mit his gonversation doan*d gather ub much
vealth in der safety deposit,** set Cheflf.

" I see vot you are an epigrammer, too ! ** I
set.

"To der victor belongs der newsbaber
space ! ** set Cheff , pouring a boddle uf arnicky
ofer der knickles on his left thumb.

" Dare is a leedle madder abouid dot fight
vich I vish you vould make id a plainness," I
set. " I dink id vas in der twendy-fairst round.
Ja, I am surely id vas in der twendy-fairst
round, because a friend uf mine vich I did nod
know him prefiously he used my derpy hat to
stant ub on id und yell. Veil, in der twendy-
fairst round id vas like dis : Shirkey led mit
his left und proke Cheff *s nose ; den Cheff re-
taliationed py breaking vun uf Shirkey 's rips;

222

Hfs Gonversationings

den Shirkey vas annoyanced und he proke
Cheflf*s spinal macinnis near der waccination
mark; den Cheff blushed und proke Shirkey*s
vishbone, und den der men behind def guns
dey came ouid und pigged ub a cubble uf bug-
gets uf bleed. Am I correctness mit der vay I
kept der score, Chim? "

" Ja," set Chim ; " I vas a leedle busy ad der
dime, bud to der besd uf my beliefings dot is
vot habbened."

" Den in der twendy-second round Shirkey
proke your civil-service vertebrae und you
proke Shirkey*s chawbone; und den Shirkey
proke your telephone connection und you gafe
him a left hook on der debartment uf der inte-
rior, und den der men pehind der guns came
ouid und pigged ub enough blue blood to sub-
bly all der royal families uf Europe — ain*d id,
Chim?"

" A cash register could not tolt der story mit
more perfectness," set Cheflf.

"Veil, now. den," I set, "knowledge me dis

IS 225

t). Dinkelspiel'

inflammation , uf you blease. How many lungs
und hearts und rips und vishbones can a prize-
fightingist ged proke before he loses his breathe
und geds in der dead-ledder office? **

"Ha! ha!" set Cheff, showing a plack und
plue spot on der laugh. "Dot is a profes-
sional segret, und uf • I tolt you you vill make
me a challengings for der champeenship uf der
vorld ! Nothing ditting ! nothing ditting ! Uf
I tolt you how to live mit your rips proke und
your lungs frickumseed und your heart full uf
thumb holes you vould be a knowledger like
me, und you vould be running around looging
for Bop Fitzchimmons to smish him on der
freckles mit your right und left ! Nothing dit-
ting, Dinky! nothing ditting! "

Yust den a larche chentlemans mit a chest
like a varehouse sidding in front uf his
shoulders came in und set to Cheff, "Dank
Heffen! ve haf found id, Chim! "

" Id is der southeastern part uf my left ear,"

set Cheff to me, gifing der larche gentlemans

226

His Gonversationing^

four thousand toUars in gold. " Haf dey found
Turn's forehead vare I removed id in der ox-
citement? '*

" Nod yet," set der larche chentlemans, loog-
ing ad me so hart dot I pigged ub my hat und
fell ouid uf der house.

I dink prize-fighting is a luffly pitzness ven
you are a freight car, vot you dinks?

227

D. Dinkelspiel

MR. DINKELSPIEL AND DAS KLEINE

KIND.

A SONG OF SLEEP-TIME.

Alvays to me id is a pleasantness ad der
time ven der Night is yust beginning to make
ugly faces ad der Daylight.

I like to sid mit myself ven der tviiight
shadows dey vas playing hide und vent to seek
id mit each udder eferyvare, yet.

Dot is der time me nnd der leedle boy ve
sid down togedder tmd gonversation mit each
udder, vich he cannod speak a vord mit der
oxcebtion uf "Ah goo! **

Dot is der time I like to vatch him ven he is

blinking ad der gleepiness behind his eyes,

und he seems to be vispering ad himself, " I

doan*d vant to vent to sleep because I am so

sleepy! **

Den I hold him tight to me mit a closeness,

228

His Gonversationings

und ve look in der fire vare id is sidding in
der grate, und I tolt him der sdory abonid der
bear vot climbed ub in der peaches tree und
eated so much peaches und cream dot id bor-
rowed der dyspepsum.

Und dare he sids, blinking yust like vot he
unterstoot id all, mit der oxcebtion dot he is so
sleepy he doan*d know vot am I talking abouid.

Vunce ven he vas sidding mit me, und der
shadows dey vas playing all around us, I made
dis leedle poeticals, vich I vill recitation id ad
you, uf you blease :

DAS KLEINE KIND.

Dare's a fairy comes und leads him

Down der lane to Drowsytown,

Und der Night yust in his honor

Vares her fery bestest gown,

Und der boys vot lif in Dreamland

All come ouid to take a peep,

Ven das kleine kind is blinking,

Vinking,

Sinking

Into sleep.

229 ♦

D. Dinkelspiel

All der road is filled mit blossoms

From der flowers uf Forget ;
Und der stars dey \'isper ad him :

" Ve are here, alretty yet,
Und undil der daylight's dawning
Over you a vatch ve'll keep" —
Ven das kleine kind is blinking,
Vinking,
Sinking
Into sleep.

Pen dot fairy tells him stories
Vot is moosic, vild und free;
Tiid dey tload on vare der moonlight

Makos a soft und silfery sea;
V'lo dor vaves of sweet condenttnent

All aroiiiit dom dance und leap —
Von das kloino kind is blinking,
Viuking.
Sinking
Into sleep.

I >ou din fairy loads him through der

Tiaios of Prowsvtown to vare

All dor Poppy children greet him

At dor place called Shut-eye Square ;
• 330

His Gonversationings

Den togedder mit each udder

All deir seecrets do dey keep —
Und das kleine kind stops blinking,

Sinking,

Fast asleep.

23^

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