THE LIBRARY
OF
THE UNIVERSITY
OF CALIFORNIA
GIFT OF
PROFESSOR
GEORGE R. STEWART
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University of California • Berkeley
Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2007 with funding from
Microsoft Corporation
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DECOKTJM
A PRACTICAL!
TREATISE M[ ETIQUETTE % D|ESS
BEST AMEKICAN SOCIETY.
Few to good breeding make a just pretence;
Good breeding is the blossom of good sense :
The last result of an accomplished mind,
With outward grace, the body's virtue, join'd.
YOUNG.
CHICAGO :
J. A. RUTH & Co.
1877.
Entered according to Act of Congress in the year 18;r»', by
J. A. RUTH & CO.,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.
Manufactured by
J. A. Ruth & Co's.,
Publishing House, Chicago.
PEEFACE.
So much has been written on the subject of
etiqette and dress, that it would seem almost im-
possible to say anything new. In the preparation
therefore of this work the author has drawn largely
from all the best available authorities on the sub-
ject, believing that the combined thoughts and
observations of the best thinkers and writers, would
be far more valuable than anything emanating
from the pen of any one person.
No one however influential, or occupying a posi-
tion however exalted, could presume to dictate rules
for the conduct of others, and at the same time re-
tain their esteem and friendship ; for this reason the
name of the author of this book is withheld. And
yet, no one will question the necessity and utility of
a work of this kind. Its object is not only to give
the usages of our best American society, to disregard
which (though many of them seem — and are arbi-
trary) would subject the offender to the epithet of
4 PREFACE.
" ill bred," but to impart that information by which
anyone maybe enabled to acquire gentlemanly ease,
or graceful ladylike deportment, so tnat their presence
will be sought for, and they will not only learn that
great art of being thoroughly^ home in all societies,
but will have that rarer gift of making every one
around them feel easy, contented and happy.
To what extent the object of the work is attain-
ed, we will leave to our readers to decide.
The author desires to express his thanks to those
ladies who so kindly and materially assisted in the
preparation of the chapters on the toilette, dress, &c,
and hopes that the precepts laid down in this work
be not followed as infallible oracles, but that they
be combined with that good sense and good judg-
ment, which alone are the touch-stone of all true
gentility and good manners.
Chicago, Sept 1, 1877.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I. PAGE.
INTRODUCTORY. II 22
CHAPTER II.
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 22 29
The good will of women— Social connections— Being natural— With whom
to associate— What to tolerate— Common place speech— Modesty— Re-
spectful deference— Ease of manner— Distinctions in conduct— Long
usage— Selecting company— Good sense— Qualities of a gentleman—
Whom to imitate.
CHAPTER III.
INTRODUCTIONS. 29 39
By relatives— Saluting and shaking hands— First introduction— Second
or subsequent meeting— The obligations of— After an introduction-
While traveling— Introductory letter to ladies— Receipt of introduct-
ory letters— Requesting a letter of— to society— Bestowing of titles-
Proper forms of— Ceremonious phrases— Casual introductions— Speak
the name distinctly— Introduction of a Lady to Gentlemen— in other
countries— With permission— Without permission— Meeting on the
street— Morning visitors— Introducing yourself— Assisting a lady in
difficulty.
CHAPTER IV.
SALUTATIONS. 39 47
Forms of salutation— Of different nations —Words of salutation— For-
eigners salutations— on the street— Meeting in the street— Bow of
civility— Saluting ladies— Etiquette of hand shaking— The kiss— The kiss
of respect— The kiss of friendship— Women kissing in public.
CHAPTER V.
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE. 47 55
The value of knowledge— A good conscience,— Good character— A well
informed man— Liberal and scientific information— Employing leisure
moments— Softening natural ferocity— The arts of peace— Differences
vi. CONTENTS
in social intercourse— Slight reflections— Improving by conversation-
Learn something from all— Be not too confident— Narrow and limited
views— Consulting with others— Difference of opinion.
CHAPTER VI.
CONVERSATION. 55 70
Subjects to be avoided— Talk to people of their own affairs— Avoid talk-
ing too much of their professions— Avoid classical quotations— Modu-
lation—Slang— Using proverbs and puns— Avoid long arguments— In-
terrupting a person while speaking— Whispering in society— Make the
topic of conversation known— Witticisms— Avoid unfamiliar subjects
Introducing anecdotes- -Correct pronunciation— Avoid repeating— Cul-
tivating the mind— Music— A low voice— Talk well about trifles— Double
entendres— Indelicate words and expressions— Profanity— Listening—
The best kind of conversation— Interjections— Avoid wounding the
feelings of another— Affectations— Use plain words— Avoid wit which
wounds— Proper reserve— Professional peculiarities— Modesty— Con-
versing with ladies— Conclusion.
CHAPTER VII
visits. 70 90
Visits of congratulation— Of ceremony or calls— Time to make ceremo-
nious visits— Keep an account of ceremonious visits— Visits of cere-
mony among friends— calling at an inconvenient hour— Visiting at
hotels— Visiting the sick— Style of conversation— Visits of condolence
—Before going abroad— Leave taking of a family— Meeting other
visitors— Gentlemen's morning call— Returning from the country-
Cards for ceremonious visits— Calling on strangers— Engaged or not at
home— Evening visits— Friendly calls— Omitting visits— Ceremonious
visits— Suitable times for visits— How to treat visitors— Taking a seat
while visiting— Paying equal attention to all— Taking a friend with
you— Privileges of ladies/— Visiting acquaintances alone— Preference of
seats— Respect towards the aged and feeble— Discontinuing work-
Visiting cards— Address on cards— Keeping cards— Laying aside the
bonnet— Habitual visits— Short visits— Unintentional intrusions— Free
hospitality— Treatment of guests— Duties of the visitor— Leavetaking.
CHAPTER VIII.
DINNER PARTIES AND BALLS. 91 116
Invitations— Reply to— Arriving too late— Manners at Table— Dress neat-
ly for dinner party — How long to remain— Congenial company— Num-
ber of guests— Manner of writing invitations— Invitation accepted-
Declined— Invitation to tea party— Reception of guests— Introduction
of guests— Proceeding to dinner— Arranging guests— Intermingling
guests— Asking the waiter for anything— Praising every dish— Picking
your teeth at table— Selecting a particular dish— Duties of host and
CONTENTS. vii.
hostess— Paring fruit for a lady— Dipping bread into preserves— Soup-
Fish— General rules regarding Dinner— Watching how others do— Urg-
ing guests to eat— Waiting on others— Monopolizing conversation-
Signal for leaving the table— Dancing— Giving a ball— Choice of guests
—Issuing invitations— Prejudices against dancing— Notes of interoga-
tion— Variety of toilette— Choice of attire— Evening party— The cloak
room— When to arrive— Refusing to dance— Giving a reason for not
dancing— How to ask a lady to dance— Leaving a ball room— Talking
too much— Wall flowers— Duties of gentlemen—Duty of ladies— While
dancing— Grace and modesty— Private party— Public balls— Visit of
thanks— Deportment in public places— General rules for a ball room-
Conclusion.
CHAPTER IX.
STREET ETIQUETTE. 117 139
Recognizing friends on the street— Omitting to recognize acquaintances
—Shaking hands with a lady— Young ladies conduct on the street— Ac-
companying visitors— Fulfilling an engagement— Conduct while shop-
ping—Taking off your glove— Asking information— Crossing a muddy
street— Expensive dress in the street— Carriage of a lady in public
— Forming acquaintances in public— Demanding attention— Meeting a
lady acquaintance—Stopping a lady on the street—Passing acquaintances
— Crowding before another — Giving the arm — When to offer the arm-
Returning a salute — Passing before a lady — Corner loafers — Shouting —
Gentlemen walkingwith a lady— Crossing the street— General rules-
Passing through a crowd— Saluting a lady— Ascending a mountain-
Meeting on the street— Intrusive inquiries on meeting— Smoking while
walking— Taking off your hat.
CHAPTER X.
RIDING AND DRIVING 130 135
Etiquette of riding— Riding in public— Riding with ladies— Assisting a 1 ady
to mount— Pace in riding— Meeting f ri°nds on horse back— Meeting a
lady— Assisting a lady to alight from a horse— Entering a carriage— As-
sisting a lady into a carriage.
CHAPTER XI.
TRAVELING. 136 145
A lady traveling alone— On arrival of the train— Arriving at destination
Rushing for a ticket office— Personal comfort— Rushing for the table-
Social intercourse while traveling— Occupying too many seats— Retain-
ing a seat— Etiquette of „ street cars— Etiquette of ferry boats— Check-
ing familiarity— Duties of ladies to other ladies while traveling— Con-
stilting the comfort of others— Attention to the wants of others— Self-
ishness of ladies
viii. CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XII.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES. 146 159
Church Etiquette— Visiting an artist— Conduct in picture galleries— Invi-
tation to opera or concert— Conduct in opera theatre or public hall-
Church or fancy fairs— Picnics— How to dress— Duties of gentlemen-
Committee of arrangements— Boating— Rowing— Ladies rowing.
CHAPTER XIII.
LETTER WRITING.
Letters of introduction— Letters of friendship— The family letter-
Parents to children— Letters of love— Letters of business— Letters of
invitation— Invitation to a partv— General advice to letter writers.
CHAPTER XIV.
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 177 198
Charms for procuring love— A woman's judgment— Love and marriage
—Usages of society— Love a universal passion— A ladies position— A
gentleman's position- Conduct of a gentleman toward ladies— Prema-
ture declaration— Love at first sight— Trifling with a man's feelings—
A poor triumph— A still greater crime— The rejected lover— Duty of
a rejected lover— Unmanly conduct -Encouraging the address of a
gentleman— Proposal of marriage— Forms for proposals— Proposal
accepted— Protracted engagements— Asking Papa— An engagement
ring— The relations of an engaged couple— Demonstrations of affection
—Keeping late hours— A domineering lover— Breaking an engagement—
By letter— Acknowledging such letter— The marriage ceremony— Gen-
eral rules— Congratulation— Ceremony in church— Leaving the church
—Marriage fees— Let joy be unconflned— The weddding breakfast-
Sending cards— Wedding cards— Calling on a newly married couple— A
joyous period— Prof essional call while receiving calls— Returning wed-
ding visits.
CHAPTER XV.
DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES. 199 211
Duties of the wife— Avoid all cause for complaint— Beware of confidants
—Regarding money matters— How to keep a home— Avoid concealment
—Avoid all bickerings— Becoming conduct for a wife— Solomon's de-
scription—Duties of a husband— Things to remember— Accompany your
wife to church— A breach of domestic etiquette— Taking your wife
into your confidence— Let her manage her own affairs— Avoid unneces-
sary interference— Be always ready to praise— Avoid comparisons-
Conclusion.
CHAPTER XVI.
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 212 217
The breakfast table— General rules for behavior at table— Luncheon-
Dinner.
CONTENTS. ix.
CHAPTER XVII.
MISCELLANEOUS RULES OF ETIQUETTE. 218 237
Presents among friends— Presents to married ladies— Present by married
lady— Praising presents— Making parade — How to receive a present-
Refusing a gift— Value of present— Governing our moods— Civility due
to all women— Keeping engagements— Requisites to gain esteem— Con-
tempt and haughtiness— Talking of yourself- -A filthy habit— Avoid
loud conversation— Consulting your time piece— Removing the hat-
Smoking in presence of ladies— Relinquishing a seat for a lady— A
man's pride and principles— Avoid religious topics— Attention to
young people in society— Reverential regard for religion— Absent Han-
dedness—Affectation— Confidence and secresy— A woman's good name
—Singing in company— Gentlemen at evening parties— Accepting an
invitation— Expresing unfavorable opinions— Checking himself in con-
versation.—Cautiousness and selfcontrol— Avoid arguments— Civility-
Courtesy— Improper actions and attitudes— Good maxims— Politeness
—Washington's maxims— Principles of good breeding— Attention to
small matters.
CHAPTER XVIII.
WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 238 243
Presidential receptions— Private calls on the President— Social duties of
cabinet officers and their families— Social duties of Congressman and
their families.
CHAPTER XIX.
business. 244 247
CHAPTER XX.
anniversary weddings. 248 253
The paper wedding— The wooden wedding— The tin wedding— The crys-
tal wedding— The china wedding— The silver wedding— The Golden
wedding— The diamond wedding— Presents at anniversary weddings-
Invitations to anniversary weddings.
CHAPTER XXI.
FUNERALS. 254 261
Invitations to a funeral— Charge of affairs at a funeral— Expense of a
funeral— General rules of etiquette— Houses of mourning— Convey-
ances for a funeral— Exhibiting the corpse— Receiving guests at a
funeral— Proceeding to the cemetery— Flowers at a funeral— Other dec-
orations upon the coffin— After the funeral— Notification of death-
Obligations to attend a funeral— Seclusion of the bereaved family-
Period of mourning.
x. CONTENTS,
CHAPTER XXII.
dress. 262 290
First impressions—Consistency in dress— Plain dressing— Too rich dressing
—Elegant dressing— Appropriate and becoming dress— Neglect of dress
—Habitual attention to attire— An amiable exterior— Dress the appro-
priate finish of beauty— Taste— Simplicity in dress— Delicacy and har-
mony—Using paints — Color and complexion— Dress to suit the occasion
—Evening dress—Bright colored gloves— Never dress above your station
—Thinking about your dress— Morning dress for home— Morning dress
for visitor— Morning dress for street — Business woman's dress— The
promenade — Material of a walking suit — Carriage dress — Riding dress
— Dress for receiving calls— Dress of hostess — Dinner dress— Dress of
guests at dinner party— Ordinary evening dress— Dress for evening call
—Dress for social party— The soiree and ball— Dress for church— Dress
for theatre— Dress for lecture and concert — Dress for opera — Croquet
and skating costume— Costume for country and seaside— Bathing cos-
tume—Costume for traveling— Going to Europe— Wedding outfit— The
wedding dress— Dress for bride groom— Dress for brides maids— Travel-
ing dress of bride— Marriage of a widow- -The trousseau.
CHAPTER XXIII.
HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS. 291 300
Size in relation to dress and color.
CHAPTER XXIV.
THE TOILETTE. 301 330
Health and beauty— The dressing room— Lady's dressing room— Gentle-
man's dressing room— The bath— Air bath— The teeth— The skin— The
eye lashes and brows— The hair— The beard— The hand.
CHAPTER XXV.
TOILETTE RECIPES. 331 352
To remove freckles, 331— Wrinkles, 332— Discoloration of skin, 332— Sun-
burn, 333— To cure chilblains, 333— Hair curling fluid, 334— To prevent
hair falling off, 334— Rye tooth powder, 334— Bandoline, 335— Rose
water, 335— Lip salve, 335— Sticking plaster, 336— To improve the com-
plexion. 336— Burns, 337— Pimpernel water, 337— To soften the hands,
337— For rough and chapped hands, 338— To prevent hair turning gray,
338— To soften and beautify the hair, 338— To remove pimples, 338— To
remove tan, 339— Cure for corns, 339— To clean the teeth and gums, 340
—Cologne, 340— Ox marrow pomatum, 341— Dentifrice, 341— To clean
kid gloves, 341— To remove a tight ring, 342— Cleaning jewelry, 343— To
clean kid boots, 343— Cleaning silver, 344— To remove grease spots, 344—
To clean patent leather boots, 344— To take mildew out of linen, 344—
To remove stains and spots from silk, 345— &c, &c.
INTRODUCTORY.
CHAPTER 1.
HIGH birth and good breeding are the privi-
leges of the few ; but the habits and man-
ners of a gentleman may be acquired by all. Nor
is their acquirement attended with difficulty. Eti-
quette is not an art requiring the study of a life-
time ; on the contrary, its principles are simple, and
their practical application involves only ordinary
care, tact and sagacity.
[To gain the good opinion of those who surround
them, is the first interest and the second duty of
men in every profession of life? For power and for
pleasure, this preliminary is equally indispensable.
Unless we are eminent and respectable before our
fellow-beings, we cannot possess that influence which
is essential to the accomplishment of great designs ;
and men have so inherent, and one might almost
say constitutional, a disposition to refer all that they
say and do, to the thoughts and feelings of others,
that upon the tide of the world's opinion floats the
complacency of every man.
12 INTRODUCTORY.
And here we may find the uses of etiquette. We
are not all equally civilized ; some of us are scarcely
more than savage by nature and training, or rather
lack of training. Yet we all wish to put on the re-
galia of civilization that we may be recognized as
belonging to the guild of ladies and gentlemen in
the world.
The requisites to compose this last character are
natural ease of manner, and an acquaintance with
the " outward habit of encounter " — dignity and
self-possession — a respect for all the decencies of life,
and perfect freedom from all affectation.
It is an express and admirable distinction of a
gentleman, that, in the ordinary affairs of life, he is
extremely slow to take offense. He scorns to attrib-
ute ungentle motive, and dismisses the provocation
without dignifying it by consideration. For instance,
if he should see trifling persons laughing in another
part of a room, when he might suppose that they
were sneering at him, or should hear a remark from
a person careless of his speech, which he could con-
strue to be disrespectful to himself, he will presume
that they are swayed by the same exalted sentiments
as those which dwell within his own bosom, and he
will not for a moment suffer his serenity to be sullied
by suspicion. If, in fact, the others have been not
altogether unwilling to wound, his elevated bearing
will shame them into propriety.
A gentleman never is embarrassed, when, in the
carelessness of conversation, he has made use of any
INTRODUCTORY. 13
expression which is capable of an indecent significa*
tion, and which, in vulgar society, would be the pre-
lude of a laugh. He gives his company credit for
refinement of mind and entire purity of association,
and permits himself to speak with freedom of those
things which are commonly the accessories of evil,
without feeling any apprehension that the idea of the
evil itself may be excited.
In whatever society, or in whatever part of the
world, a gentleman may happen to be, he always
complies externally with the spirit and usages of the
place.
His constant effort is never to wound the feelings
of another, and he is well aware that prejudice can
excite feeling quite as strongly as truth. Of course,
this compliance is not to be made at the expense of
honor and integrity.
\'K gentleman is distinguished as much by his com-
posure as by any other quality.; His exertions are
always subdued, and his efforts easy. He is never
surprised into an exclamation or startled by any-
thing. Throughout life he avoids what the French
call scenes, — occasions of exhibition, in which the*
vulgar delight. He of course has feelings, but he
never exhibits any to the world.
A gentleman always possesses a certain self-re-
spect,— not indeed touching upon self-esteem, and far
removed from self-conceit, — which relieves him from
the fear of failing in propriety, or incurring remarks.
Indeed, a gentleman, in the highest signification
U INTRODUCl'ORY.
of the term, is a noble animal. Viewed as furnished
with all those qualities which should unite to com-
plete the impression, he may be considered as the
image of a perfect man. He has all that is valua-
ble of Christian accomplishment, he has its gentle-
ness, its disinterestedness, its amiableness. Employ-
ing, in the regulation of his own conduct, the strict-
est standard of propriety, and in his expectations of
that of others, the most lenient ; cautious in accept-
ing quarrel, more cautious in giving cause for it;
lending to virtue the forms of courtesy, and borrow-
ing from her the substance of sincerity ; forming his
opinions boldly, expressing them gracefully; in
action, brave, in conference, gentle; always anx-
ious to please, and always willing to be pleased ; ex-
pecting from none what he would not be inclined to
yield to all ; giving interest to small things, when-
ever small things cannot be avoided, and gaining el-
evation from great, whenever great can be attained ;
valuing his own esteem too highly to be guilty of dis-
honor, and the esteem of others too considerately to
be guilty of incivility ; never violating decency, and
respecting even the prejudices of honesty; yielding
with an air of strength, and opposing with an ap-
pearance of submission; full of courage, but free
from ostentation ; without assumption, without ser-
vility ; too wise to despise trifles, but too noble ever
to be degraded by them ; dignified but not haughty,
firm but not impracticable, learned but not pedantic;
to his superiors respectful, to his equals courteous ;
INTRODUCTORY. 15
kind to his inferiors, and wishing well to all.
It is this modest pride which gives him that charm-
ing ease, which, above all things, marks his manner.
He would converse with Kings, or the embodied
"blood of all the Howards," with as much composure
as he would exhibit in speaking to his footman.
A perfect gentleman instinctively knows just what
to do under all circumstances, and need be bound by
no written code of manners. Yet there is an unwrit-
ten code which is as immutable as the laws of the
Medes and Persians, and we who would acquire gen-
tility must by some means make ourselves familiar
with this.
The true gentleman is rare, but, fortunately there
is no crime in counterfeiting his excellences. The
best of it is that the counterfeit may, in course of
time, develop into the real thing.
How shall I describe a lady ? Solomon has done
it for me :
" The heart of her husband doth safely trust in
her."
" She will do him good, and not evil, all the days
of her life."
" She girdeth her loins with strength, and strength-
ened her arms.
" She stretcheth out her hand to the poor ; yea she
reacheth forth her hands to the needy."
" She maketh herself coverings of tapestry ; her
clothing is silk and purple."
" Her husband is known in the gates."
16 INTRODUCTORY.
" Strength and honor are her clothing."
"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in
her tongue is the law of kindness."
[Strength, honor, wisdom, goodness and virtue are
her requisites. A woman strong and womanly in
all ways, in whom the heart of a husband can safely
trust — this is the perfect lady//
That all should seek to shape the way and fashion
of their lives in accordance with these models there
can be no doubt. The best and surest course to pur-
sue for that end is to look for, and to imitate as far
as possible, the manifestations of the characteristics
I have endeavored to describe. And that which was
at first mere imitation may become at last a second
nature.
Good manners were perhaps originally but an ex-
pression of submission from the weaker to the
stronger, and many traces of their origin still remain;
but a spirit of kindliness and unselfishness born of
a higher order of civilization permeates for the most
part the code of politeness.
As an illustration of this, we cannot do better than
cite the requirements of good breeding in regard to
women. It is considered perfectly proper in the
more barbarous forms of society to treat woman with
all contumely. In polite society great deference is
paid to her and certain seemingly arbitrary require-
ments are made in her favor. Thus a gentleman is
always expected to vacate his seat in favor of a lady
who is unprovided with one. If it were possible to
INTR OD UCTOR Y. 1 7
carry discrimination into this matter of yielding up
seats, and require that the young, healthful and
strong of either sex should stand that the old, weak
and invalid of both sexes might sit, there could be
no possible doubt as to the propriety of the regula-
tion.
The wisdom of the social law, as it really is, seems
open to question. Yet it is wise and right, never-
theless. Taking men as a whole, they are better
able to endure the fatigue of standing than women.
Women as the mothers of the race, the bearers and
nurses of children, are entitled to special considera-
tion and care on account of the physical disabilities
which these duties entail ; and even if in their ordi-
nary health they are capable of enduring fatigue,
still there are times when to compel them to this
endurance is cruel and unjust. Since women prefer,
as a rule, to conceal their womanly weaknesses and
disabilities as far as practicable, it is impossible for
individual men to judge of the strength or weakness
of individual women. Thus, when a man rises from
his seat to give it to a woman, he silently says, in
the spirit of true and noble manliness, " I offer you
this, madam, in memory of my mother, who suffered
that I might live, and of my present or future wife,
who is, or is to be, the mother of my children."
Such devotion of the stronger sex to the weaker is
beautiful and just ; and this chivalrous spirit, carried
through all the requirements of politeness, has a sig-
nificance which should neither be overlooked nor
18 INTR OD UCTOB Y.
undervalued. It is the very poetry of life, and
tends toward that further development of civiliza-
tion when all traces of woman's original degradation
shall be lost.
Those who would think slightingly of the impor-
tance of good manners should read Emerson, who
says ; " When we reflect how manners recommend,
prepare and draw people together; how, in all clubs,
manners make the members; how manners make
the fortune of the ambitious youth; that, for the
most part, his manners, marry him, and for the most
part, he marries manners; when we think what keys
they are, and to what secrets; what high lessons and
inspiring tokens of character they convey; and what
divination is required in us for the reading of this
fine telegraph, — we see what range the subject has,
and what relations to convenience, form and beauty.
The maxim of courts is power. A calm and reso-
lute bearing, a polished speech, an embellishment of
trifles and the art of hiding all uncomfortable feel-
ings are essential to the courtier. . . . Manners im-
press, as they indicate real power. A man who is
sure of his point carries a broad and contented ex-
pression, which everybody reads; and you cannot
rightly train to an air and manner except by mak-
ing him the kind of man of whom that manner is
the natural expression. Nature forever puts a pre-
mium on reality."
Lord Chesterfield declared good breeding to be
"the result of much good sense, some good nature,
INTRODUCTORY. 19
and a little self-denial for the sake of others and
with a view to obtain the same indulgence from
them." The same authority in polite matters says :
"Good sense and good nature suggest civility in gen-
eral, but in good breeding there are a thousand lit-
tle delicacies which are established only by cus-
tom."
" Etiquette," says a modern English author, " may
be defined as the minor morality cf life. No obser-
vances, however minute, that tend to spare the feel-
ings of others, can be classed under the head of tri-
vialities; and politeness, which is but another name
for general amiability, will oil the creaking wheels
of life more effectually than any of those unguents
supplied by mere wealth and station.
As to the technical part of politeness, or forms
alone, the intercourse of society, and good advice, are
undoubtedly useful; but the grand secret of never
failing in propriety of deportment, is to have an in-
tention of always doing what is right. With such
a disposition of mind, exactness in observing what
is proper appears to all to possess a charm and in-
fluence ; and then not only do mistakes become ex-
cusable, but they become even interesting from their
thoughtlessness and naivete. Be, therefore, modest
and benevolent, and do not distress yourself on ac-
count of the mistakes of your inexperience; a little
attention, and the advice of a friend will soon cor-
rect these trifling errors.
Morals, lay the foundation of manners. A well-
20 INTB OD UCTOB Y.
ordered mind, a well-regulated heart, produce the
best conduct. The rules which a philosopher or
moralist lays down for his own guidance, properly
developed, lead to the most courteous acts. Frank-
lin laid down for himselt the following rules to reg-
ulate his conduct through life : —
Eat not to dullness ; drink not to elevation
Speak not but what may benefit others or your-
self; avoid trifling conversation.
Let all your things have their places; let each
part of your business have its time.
Resolve to perform what you ought ; perform with-
out fail what you resolve.
Make no expense but to do good to others, or to
yourself ; i. e., waste nothing.
Lose no time ; be always employed in something
useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
Use no hurtful deceit ; think innocently and just-
ly; and if you speak, speak accordingly.
Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the
benefits that are your duty.
Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so
much as you think they deserve.
Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes or hab-
itation.
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents com-
mon or unavoidable, and "be temperate in all
things."
Let these rules be applied to the elegant inter-
course of life, and they are precisely what is requir-
INTRODUCTORY. 21
ed. Those who would set good morals and good
manners at variance, wrong both.
That true good breeding consists not in the man-
ner, but in the mind, is one of those insipid com-
mon-places that the world delights to be told. That a
pleasing exterior of appearance, and an insinuating
habit of demeanor, may be perfectly attained by one,
to whose feelings honor is a stranger, and generosity
utterly unknown, it would be absurd to deny. But
there unquestionably goes more than this to the for-
mation of a thorough gentleman. Separated from
native loftiness of sentiment, we rarely discover those
courtly, and, if I may say so, those magnanimous
manners, which constitute a high-bred man.
CHAPTER II.
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
WOMEN, particularly women a little on the
decline, are those who make the reputa-
tion of a young man. When the lustre of their dis-
tinction begins to fade, a slight feeling of less wont-
ed leisure, perhaps a little spite, makes them observe
attentively those who surround them. Eager to
gain new admirers, they encourage the first steps of
a debutant in the career of society, and exert them-
selves to fit him to do honor to their patronage.
The good will op Women.
A young man in entering society cannot be too
attentive to conciliate the good will of women. Their
approbation and support will serve him instead of a
thousand good qualities. Their judgment dispenses
with fortune, talent and even intelligence.
Social Connections.
The desire of pleasing is, of course, the basis of
social connection. Persons who enter society with the
intention of producing an effect, and of being dis-
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 23
tinguished, however clever they may be, are never
agreeable. They are always tiresome, and often ri-
diculous. Persons, who enter life with such preten-
sions, have no opportunity for improving themselves
and profiting by experience. They are not in a prop-
er state to observe. Indeed, they look only for the
effect which they produce, and with that they are
not often gratified. They thrust themselves into all
conversations, indulge in continual anecdotes, which
are varied only by dull disquisitions, listen to others
with impatience and heedlessness, and are angry
that they seem to be attending to themselves. Such
persons go through scenes of pleasure, enjoying
nothing. They are equally disagreeable to them-
selves and others.
Being Natural.
Young men should content themselves with being
natural. Let them present themselves with a mod-
est assurance: let them observe, hear, and examine,
and before long they will rival their models.
With whom to Associate.
The conversation of those women who are not the
most lavishly supplied with personal beauty, will be
of the most advantage to the young aspirant. Such
persons have cultivated their manners and conver-
sation more than those who can rely upon their nat-
ural endowments. The absence of pride and preten-
sion has improved their good nature and their ana-
24 ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
bility. They are not too much occupied in contem-
plating their own charms, to be indisposed to indulge
in gentle criticism on others. One acquires from
them an elegance in one's manners as well as one's
expressions. Their kindness pardons every error
and to instruct or reprove, their acts are so delicate
that the lesson which they give, always without of-
fending, is sure to be profitable, though it may be
often unperceived.
Women observe all the delicacies of propriety in
manners, and all the shades of impropriety, much
better than men; not only because they attend to
them earlier and longer, but because their percep-
tions are more refined than those of the other sex,
who are habitually employed about greater things.
Women divine, rather than arrive at proper conclu-
sions.
What to Tolerate.
The whims and caprices of women in society
should of course be tolerated by men, who themselves
require toleration for greater inconveniences. But
this must not be carried too far. There are certain
limits to empire which, if they themselves forget,
should be pointed out to them with delicacy and
politeness. You should be the slave of women, but
not of all their fancies.
Common Place Speech.
Compliment is the language of intercourse from
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 25
men to women. But be careful to avoid elaborate
and common-place forms of gallant speech. Do not
strive to make those long eulogies on a woman,
which have the regularity and nice dependency of a
proposition in Euclid, and might be fittingly con-
cluded by q. e. d. Do not be always undervaluing
her rival in a woman's presence, nor mistaking a
woman's daughter for her sister. These antiquated
and exploded attempts denote a person who has
learned the world more from books than men.
Modesty.
The quality which a young man should most af-
fect in intercourse with gentlemen, is a decent modes-
ty : but he must avoid all bashfulness or timidity.
His flights must not go too far ; but, so far as they
go, let them be marked by perfect assurance.
Respectful Deference.
Among persons who are much your seniors behave
with the most respectful deference. As they find
themselves sliding out of importance they may be
easily conciliated by a little respect.
Ease of Manner.
By far the most important thing to be attended to,
is ease of manner. Grace may be added afterwards,
or be omitted altogether: it is of much less moment
than is commonly believed. Perfect propriety and
entire ease are sufficient qualifications for standing
26 ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
in society, and abundant prerequisites for distinc-
tion.
Distinctions in Conduct.
There is the most delicate shade of difference be-
tween civility and intrusiveness, familiarity and
common-place, pleasantry and sharpness, the natur-
al and the rude, gaiety and carelessness ; hence the
inconveniences of society, and the errors of its mem-
bers. To define well in conduct these distinctions,
is the great art of a man of the world. It is easy to
know what to do ; the difficulty is to know what to
avoid.
Long Usage.
A sort of moral magnetism, a tact acquired by
frequent and long associating with others — alone
give those qualities which keep one always from er-
ror, and entitle him to the name of a thorough
gentleman.
Selecting Company.
A young man or woman upon first entering into
society should select those persons who are most cel-
ebrated for the propriety and elegance of their man-
ners. They should frequent their company, and im-
itate their conduct. There is a disposition inherent
in all, which has been noticed by Horace and by
Dr. Johnson, to imitate faults, because they are more
ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY. 27
readily observed and more easily* followed. There
are, also, many foibles of manner and many refine-
ments of affectation, which sit agreeably upon one
man, which if adopted by another would become
unpleasant. There are even some excellences of de-
portment which would not suit another whose char-
acter is different.
Good Sense.
For successful imitation in anything, good sense
is indispensable. It is requisite correctly to appre-
ciate the natural differences between your model and
yourself, and to introduce such modifications in the
copy as may be consistent with them.
Qualities of a Gentleman.
Let not any man imagine, that he shall easily ac-
quire those qualities which will constitute him a
gentleman. It is necessary not only to exert the
highest degree of art, but to attain also that higher
accomplishment of concealing art. The serene and
elevated dignity which mark that character, are the
result of untiring and arduous effort. After the
sculpture has attained the shape of propriety, it re-
mains to smooth off all the marks of the chisel.
"A gentleman," says a celebrated French author, "is
one who has reflected deeply upon all the obliga-
tions which belong to his station, and who has ap-
plied himself ardently to fulfill them with grace."
28 ENTRANCE INTO SOCIETY.
Whom to Imitate.
He who is polite without importunity, gallant with-
out being offensive, attentive to the comfort of all; em-
ploying a well-regulated kindness, witty at the proper
times discreet,indulgent,generous,who exercises, in his
sphere, a high degree of moral authority; he it is,
and he alone, that one should imitate.
CHAPTER III.
INTBOD UCTIONS.
IN the introduction of one gentleman to another,
great prudence and caution must be used by the
really polite man ; but in the introduction of ladies
to each other, and to gentlemen, infinitely more care
is necessary, as a lady cannot shake off an improper
acquaintance with the same facility as a gentleman
can do, and her character is much easier affected by
apparent contact with the worthless and the dissi-
pated.
It is incumbent, therefore, on ladies to avoid all
proffers of introductions, unless from those on whom
from relationship or other causes, they can place the
most implicit confidence.
Introductions by Relatives.
As a general rule, ladies may always at once ac-
cord to any offers of introduction that may proceed
from a father, mother, husband, sister, or brother;
those from intimate cousins and tried friends are
also to be considered favorably, although not to be
30 INTRODUCTIONS.
entitled to the same implicit reliance as the former.
Formerly it was the habit for the ladies to curtsey
on being introduced, but this has latterly been
changed into the more easy and graceful custom of
bowing.
Saluting and Shaking Hands.
The habit of saluting and shaking hands is now
quite obsolete, except in some country towns where
ladies at first introductions salute other ladies by
kissing them on the cheek, and fervently shake the
hands of the gentlemen.
First Introduction.
At present, in the best society, all that a lady is
called upon to do, upon a first introduction either to
a lady or a gentleman, is to make a slight, but gra-
cious inclination of the head.
Second or Subsequent Meeting.
Upon one lady meeting another for the second or
subsequent times, the hand may be extended in sup-
plement to the inclination of the head ; but no lady
should ever extend her hand to a gentleman, unless
she is very intimate, — a bow at meeting and one at
parting, is all that is necessary.
The Obligations of Introduction.
Two persons who have been properly introduced
have in future certain claims upon one another's ac-
INTRODUCTIONS. 31
quaintance which should be recognized unless there
are sufficient reasons for overlooking them. Even
in that case good manners require the formal bow of
recognition upon meeting, which of itself encoura-
ges no familiarity. Only a very ill-bred person will
meet another with a vacant stare.
After an Introduction.
If you wish to avoid the company of any one that
has been properly introduced, satisfy your own mind
that your reasons are correct ; and then let no in-
ducement cause you to shrink from treating him
with respect, at the same time shunning his com-
pany. No gentleman will thus be able either to
blame or mistake you.
Introductions while Traveling.
If, in traveling, any one introduces himself to you
and does it in a proper and respectful manner, con-
duct yourself towards him with politeness, ease, and
dignity ; if he is a gentleman, he will appreciate
your behavior — and if not a gentleman will be de-
terred from annoying you; but acquaintanceships
thus formed must cease where they began. Your
entering into conversation with a lady or gentleman
while traveling does not give any of you a right to
after recognition. If any one introduces himself to
you in a manner betraying the least want of respect,
either towards you or himself, you can only turn
from him in dignified silence, — and if he presumes
32 INTB OD UCTIONS.
to address you further, then there is no punishment
too severe.
Introductory Letter to Ladies.
Be very cautious of giving a gentleman a letter
of introduction to a lady ; for remember, in propor-
tion as you are esteemed by the lady to whom it is
addressed, so do you claim for your friend her good
wishes, — and such letters are often the means of set-
tling the weal or the woe of the parties for life.
Ladies should never themselves, unless upon cases
of the most urgent business, deliver introductory
letters, but should send them in an envelope inclos-
ing their card.
Receipt of Introductory Letters.
On receipt of an introductory letter, take it into
instant consideration; if you are determined not to
receive the party, write at once some polite, plausi-
ble, but dignified cause of excuse. If the party is
one you think fit to receive, then let your answer be
accordingly, and without delay ; never leave unan-
swered till the next day a letter of introduction.
If any one whom you have never seen before call
with a letter of introduction, and you know from its
appearance who sent it, desire the person to sit down,
and at once treat them politely ; but if you do not
recognize the hand-writing it is quite proper, after
requesting them to be seated, to beg their pardon, and
INTRODUCTIONS. 33
peruse the letter in order that you may know how
to act.
Requesting a Letter op Introduction.
If any one requests a letter of introduction, and
you do not consider that it would be prudent, either
in respect to your situation with the person so re-
questing it, or with the one to whom it would be
addressed, refuse it with firmness, and allow no in-
ducement whatever to alter your purpose.
Introduction to Society.
On your introduction to society, be modest, retir-
ing, unassuming, and dignified ; pay respect to all,
but most to those who pay you the most, provided
it is respectful and timely.
Bestowing op Titles.
In introducing a person be sure to give him his
appropriate title, as some persons are jealous of their
dignity. If he is a clergyman, say " The Rev. Mr.
Forsyth." If a doctor of divinity, say "The Rev.
Dr. Forsyth." If he is a member of Congress, call
him " Honorable," and specify to which branch of
Congress he belongs. If he be governor of a State,
mention what State. If he is a man of any celebri-
ty in the world of art or letters, it is well to mention
the fact something after this manner : " Mr. Ellis,
the artist, whose pictures you have frequently seen,"
34 INTB OD UCTIONS.
or "Mr. Smith, author of 'The World after the Del-
uge/ which you so greatly admired."
Proper Forms of Introduction.
The proper form of introduction is to present the
gentleman to the lady, the younger to the older, the
inferior to the superior; Thus you will say : " Mrs.
Cary, allow me to present to you Mr. Rhodes : Mr.
Rhodes, Mrs. Cary ;" "Mrs. Wood, let me present to
you my friend Miss. Ewing;" "General Graves, per-
mit me to introduce to you Mr. Hughes." The ex-
act words used in introductions are immaterial, so
that the proper order is preserved.
It is better, among perfect equals, to employ the
phrase, "Permit me to present you to * *," than
"Permit me to present to you * *;" there are men in
this world, and men, too, who are gentlemen, who
are so sensitive that they would be offended if the
latter of these forms was employed in presenting
them to another.
Ceremonious Phrases.
These ceremonious phrases, "Permit me to present,
&c," are not to be employed unless the acquaintance
has been solicited by one party, under circumstan-
ces of mere ceremony; and when you employ them,
do not omit to repeat to each distinctly the name of
the other.
INTRODUCTIONS. 35
Casual Introductions.
When two men unacquainted meet one another
where it is obviously necessary that they should be
made known to each other, perform the operation
with mathematical simplicity and precision, -"Mr.
A., Mr. A.\ Mr. A.\ Mr. A."
Speak the Name Distinctly.
When, upon being presented to another, you do
not feel certain of having caught his name, it may
be worse than awkward to remain, as it were, shoot-
ing the dark ; say, therefore, at once, without hesita-
tion or embarrassment, before making your bow, " I
beg your pardon, I did not hear the name."
Introduction of a Lady to Gentlemen.
When you are presented to a gentleman, do not
give your hand, but merely bow, with politeness :
and, if you have requested the presentment, or know
the person by reputation, you may make a speech, —
indeed, in all cases it is courteous to add, "I am hap-
py to make your acquaintance," or, "I am happy to
have the honor of your acquaintance." I am aware
that high authority might be found in this country
to sanction the custom of giving the hand upon a
first meeting, but it is undoubtedly a solecism in
manners. The habit has been adopted by us, with
some improvement for the worse, from France.
36 INTRODUCTIONS.
Introductions in Other Countries.
When two Frenchmen are presented to one anotk
er, each presses the other's hand with delicate affec-
tion. The English, however, never do so ; and the
practice is altogether inconsistent with the caution
of manner which is characteristic of their nation
and our own. If we are to follow the French in
shaking hands with one whom we have never before
seen, we should certainly imitate them also in kiss-
ing our intimate male acquaintances. There are
some Americans, indeed, who will not leave this
matter optional, but will seize your hand in spite of
you, and visit it pretty roughly before you recover
it. Next to being presented to the Grand Jury, is
the nuisance of being presented to such persons.
Such handling is most unhandsome.
Introductions with Permission.
A gentleman should not be presented to a lady
without her permission being previously asked and
granted. This formality is not necessary between
men alone ; but, still, you should not present any
one, even at his own request, to another, unless you
are quite well assured that the acquaintance will be
agreeable to the latter. You may decline upon the
ground of not being sufficiently intimate yourself.
A man does himself no service with another when
he obliges him to know people whom he would
rather avoid.
INTRODUCTIONS. 37
Introductions without Permission.
There are some exceptions to the necessity of ap-
plying to a lady for her permission. At a party or
a dance, the mistress of the house may present any
man to any woman without application to the lat-
ter. A sister may present her brother, and a moth-
er may present her son, upon their own authority ;
but they should be careful not to do this unless
where they are very intimate, and unless there is no
inferiority on their part. A woman may be very
willing to know another woman, without caring to
be saddled with her whole family. As a general
rule, it is better to be presented by the mistress of
the house, than by any other person.
Meeting on the Street.
If you are walking down the street in company
with another person, and stop to say something to
one of your friends, or are joined by a friend who
walks with you for a long time, do not commit the
too common, but most flagrant error, of presenting
such persons to one another. '
Morning Visitors.
If you are paying a morning visit, and some one
comes in, whose name you know, and no more, and
he or she is not recognized by, or acquainted with,
the person visited, present such a person, yourself.
38 INTRODUCTIONS.
Introducing Yourself.
If on entering a drawing-room to pay a visit, you
are not recognized, mention your name immediately;
if you know but one member of a family, and you
find others only in the parlor, present yourself to
them. Much awkwardness may be occasioned by
want of attention to this.
Assisting a Lady in Difficulty.
If you see a lady whom you do not know, unat-
tended, and wanting the assistance of a man, offer
your services to her immediately. Do it with great
courtesy, taking off your hat and begging the honor
of assisting her. This precept, although universally
observed in France, is constantly violated in England
and America by the demi-bred, perhaps by all but
the thorough-bred. The '"mob of gentlemen" in this
country seem to act in these cases as if a gentleman
ipso facto ceased to be a man, and as if the form of
presentation was established to prevent intercourse
and not to increase it.
CHAPTER IV.
SALUTATIONS.
THE salutation, sa}rs a French writer, is the
touchstone of good breeding. There have
been men, since Absalom, who have owed their ruin
to a bad bow.
According to circumstances, it should be respect-
ful, cordial, civil, affectionate or familiar — an incli-
nation of the head, a gesture with the hand, the
touching or doffing of the hat.
"It would seem that good manners were original-
ly the expression of submission from the weaker to
the stronger. In a rude state of society every salu-
tation is to this day an act of worship. Hence the
commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy with
which we are now familiar date from those earlier
stages when the strong hand ruled and the inferior
demonstrated his allegiance by studied servility.
Let us take, for example, the words ' sir ' and ' mad-
am.' ' Sir' is derived from seigneur, sieur, and orig-
inally meant lord, king, ruler and, in its patriarchal
sense, father. The title of sire was last borne by
some of the ancient feudal families of France, who,
40 SALUTATIONS.
as Selden has said, 'affected rather to be styled by
the name of sire than baron, as Le Sirede Montmoren-
d and the like.' 'Madam' or 'madame,' corrupted
by servants into 'ma'am,' and by Mrs. Gamp and her
tribe into 'mum,' is in substance equivalent to ' your
exalted,' or 'your highness,' madame originally
meaning high-born or stately, and being applied on-
ly to ladies of the highest rank.
Forms of Salutation.
" To turn to our every-day forms of salutation.
We take off our hats on visiting an acquaintance.
We bow on being introduced to strangers. We rise
when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave
our hand to our friend as he passes the window or
drives away from our door. The Oriental, in like
manner, leaves his shoes on the threshold when he
pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga Islands kiss
the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant
grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each
of these acts has a primary, a historical significance.
The very word 'salutation,' in the first place, derived
as it is from salutatio, the daily homage paid by a
Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a his-
tory of manners.
" To bare the head was originally an act of sub-
mission to gods and rulers. A bow is a modified
prostration. A lady's curtsey is a modified genu-
flection. Rising and standing are acts of homage ;
SALUTATIONS. 41
and when we wave our hand to a friend on the op-
posite side of the street, we are unconsciously imitat-
ing the Romans, who, as Selden tells us, used to stand
4 somewhat off before the images of their gods, sol-
emnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting
it, as if they had cast kisses.' Again, men remove
the glove when they shake hands with a lady — a
custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight re-
moved his iron gauntlet, the pressure of which would
have been all too harsh for the palm of a fair chate-
laine : and the custom, which began in necessity, has
traveled down to us as a point of etiquette."
Salutations of Different Nations.
Each nation has its own method of salutation. In
Southern Africa it is the custom to rub toes. In
Lapland your friend rubs his nose against yours.
The Moors of Morocco have a somewhat startling
mode of salutation. They ride at a gallop toward a
stranger, as though they would unhorse him, and
when close at hand suddenly check their horse and
fire a pistol over the person's head.
The Turk folds his arms upon his breast and bends
his head very low. The Egyptian solicitously asks
you, "How do you perspire?" and lets his hand fall
to the knee. The Spaniard says, " God be with you,
sir," or, "How do you stand ?" And the Neapolitan
piously remarks, "Grow in holiness." The Chinese
bows low and inquires, "Have you eaten ?" The
42 SALUTATIONS,
German asks, " Wie gehts ?" — How goes it with you?
The Frenchman bows profoundly and inquires,
"How do you carry yourself?
In England and America there are three modes of
salutation — the bow, the handshake and the kiss.
The Bow.
The bow is the proper mode of salutation to ex-
change between acquaintances in public, and, in cer-
tain circumstances, in private. The bow should
never be a mere nod. A gentleman should raise his
hat completely from his head and slightly incline
the whole body. Ladies should recognize their gen-
tlemen friends with a bow or graceful inclination.
It is their place to bow first, although among inti-
mate acquaintances the recognition may be simulta-
neous.
A well-bred man always removes his cigar from
his lips whenever he bows to a lady.
A young lady should show the same deference
to an elderly lady, or one occupying a higher social
position, that a gentleman does to a lady.
Words op Salutation.
The most common forms of salutation are — " How
d'ye do?" "How are you?" "Good-morning," and
" Good-evening." The two latter forms seem the
most appropriate, as it is most absurd to ask after a
person's health and not stop to receive the answer.
SALUTATIONS. 43
A respectful bow should always accompany the
words of salutation.
Foreigners' Salutations.
Foreigners are given to embracing. In France
and Germany the parent kisses his grown-up son on
the forehead, men throw their arms around the necks
of their friends, and brothers embrace like lovers.
It is a curious sight to Americans, with their natural
prejudices against publicity in kissing.
Salutations on the Street.
It is a mark of high breeding not to speak to a
lady in the street, until you perceive that she has
noticed you by an inclination of the head..
Meeting in the Street.
If you have anything to say to any one in the
street, especially a lady, however intimate you may
be, do not stop the person, but turn round and walk
in company; you can take leave at the end of the
street.
Bow of Civility.
If there is any one of your acquaintance, with
whom you have a difference, do not avoid looking
at him, unless from the nature of things the quarrel
is necessarily for life. It is almost always better to
bow with cold civility, though without speaking.
44 SALUTATIONS.
In passing women with whom you are not partic-
ularly well acquainted, bow, but do not speak.
Saluting Ladies.
In bowing to women it is not enough that you
touch your hat ; you must take it entirely off. Em-
ploy for the purpose that hand which is most dis-
tant from the person saluted ; thus, if you pass on
the right side, use your right hand ; if on the left,
use your left hand.
Shaking Hands.
Among friends the shaking of the hand is the
most genuine and cordial expression of good-will.
It is not necessary, though in certain cases "it is not
forbidden, upon introduction ; but when acquaint-
anceship has reached any degree of intimacy, it is
perfectly proper.
Etiquette of Handshaking.
" The etiquette of handshaking is simple. A man
has no right to take a lady's hand until it is offered.
He has even less right to pinch or retain it. Two
ladies shake hands gently and softly. A young la-
dy gives her hand, but does not shake a gentleman's
unless she is his friend. A lady should always rise
to give her hand ; a gentleman, of course, never
dares to do so seated. On introduction in a room a
married lady generally offers her hand ; a young
SALUTATIONS. 45
lady, not. In a ballroom, where the introduction is
to dancing, not to friendship, you never shake hands;
and as a general rule, an introduction is not follow-
ed by shaking hands, only by a bow. It may per-
haps be laid down that the more public the place of
introduction, the less handshaking takes place. But
if the introduction be particular, if it be accompan-
ied by personal recommendation, such as, ' I want
you to know my friend Phelps/ or if Phelps comes
with a letter of presentation, then you give Phelps
your hand, and warmly too. Lastly, it is the priv-
ilege of a superior to offer or withhold his or her
hand, so that an inferior should never put his for-
ward first."
When a lady so far puts aside her reserve as to
shake hands at all, she should give her hand with
frankness and cordiality. There should be equal
frankness and cordiality on the gentleman's part,
and even more warmth, though a careful avoidance
of anything like offensive familiarity or that which
might be mistaken as such. A lady who has only
two fingers to give in handshaking had better keep
them to herself ; and a gentleman who rudely press-
es the hand offered him in salutation, or too violent-
ly shakes it, ought never to have an opportunity to
repeat his offense."
The Kiss.
The most familiar and affectionate form of salu-
tation is the kiss. It need scarcely be said that this
46 SALUTATIONS.
is only proper on special occasions and between spe-
cial parties.
The Kiss of Respect.
The kiss of mere respect — almost obsolete in this
country — is made on the hand. This custom is re-
tained in Germany and among gentlemen of the
most courtly manners in England.
The Kiss of Friendship.
The kiss of friendship and relationship is on the
cheeks and forehead. As a general rule, this act of
affection is excluded from public eyes ; — in the case
of parents and children unnecessarily so ; for there
is no more pleasing and touching sight than to see
a young man kiss his mother, or a young woman
her father, upon meeting or parting.
Women Kissing in Public.
Custom seems to give a kind of sanction to wom-
en kissing each other in public : but there is, never-
theless, a touch of vulgarity about it, and a lady of
really delicate perceptions will avoid it.
CHAPTER V.
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.
IN the following chapters we will dwell more par-
ticularly upon the external usages and customs
of polite life, — a knowledge and practice of which
are necessary to enable one to enter respectable com-
pany. In many instances we have repeated the same
idea over again, to enforce some important point.
We now proceed to give the reader some advice as
to the mental qualities desirable to be possessed by
all who wish to make a lasting mark in tm our best
society."
The Value of Knowledge.
The young are apt to disregard the value of knowl-
edge,— partly, we fear, from the pertinacious con-
stancy with which teachers, parents, and guardians,
endeavor to impress them with its inestimable
worth.
" Knowledge better than houses and lands " is the
title of one of the first picture-books presented to a
child, and it is the substance of ten thousand pre-
48 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.
cepts which are constantly dinned in his ears from
infancy upwards ; so that, at first, the truth becomes
tiresome and almost detested.
A Good Conscience.
Still it is a sober truth, of which every one should
feel the force, that, with the single exception of a
good conscience, no possession can be so valuable as
a good stock of information.
Some portion of it is always coming into use; and
there is hardly any kind of information which may
not become useful in an active life.
When we speak of information, we do not mean
that merely which has direct reference to one's trade,
profession, or business.
Good Character.
To be skillful in these is a matter of absolute ne-
cessity ; so much so, that we often see, for example,
a merchant beginning the world with no other stock
than a good character and a thorough knowledge of
business, and speedily acquiring wealth and respect-
ability ; while another, who is not well informed in
his business, begins with a fortune, fails in every-
thing he undertakes, causes loss and disgrace to all
who are connected with him, and goes on blunder-
ing to the end of the chapter.
SOCIA L IJSTERCO URVE. 49
A Well Informed Man.
A thorough knowledge of one's business or profes-
sion is not enough, of itself, to constitute what is
properly called a well-informed man.
On the contrary, one who possesses this kind of in-
formation only, is generally regarded as a mere ma-
chine, unfit for society or rational enjoyment.
Liberal and Scientific Information.
A man should possess a certain amount of liberal
and scientific information, to which he should al-
ways be adding something as long as he lives ; and
in this free country he should make himself ac-
quainted with his own political and legal rights.
"Keep a thing seven years and you will have use
for it," is an old motto which will apply admirably
well to almost any branch of knowledge.
Learn almost any science, language, or art, and in
a few years you will find it of service to you.
Employing Leisure Moments.
Employ that leisure which others waste in idle and
corrupting pursuits, in the acquisition of those
branches of knowledge which serve to amuse as well
as instruct ; natural history, for example, or chemis-
try, or astronomy, or drawing, or any of the numer-
ous kindred branches of study.
50 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.
Softening Natural Ferocity.
There is in most tempers a natural ferocity which
wants to be softened ; and the study of the liberal
arts and sciences will generally have this happy ef-
fect in polishing the manners.
When the mind is daily attentive to useful learn-
ing, a man is detached from his passions, and taken
as it were, out of himself; and the habit of being so
abstracted makes the mind more manageable, be-
cause the passions are out of practice.
The Arts of Peace.
Besides, the arts of learning are the arts of peace,
which furnish no encouragements to a hostile dis-
position.
There is a dreadful mistake too current among
young people, and which their own experience is apt
to cherish and commend in one another — that a
youth is of no consequence, and makes no figure,
unless he is quarrelsome, and renders himself a ter-
ror to his companions.
They call this honor and spirit; but it is false hon-
or, and an evil spirit. It does not command any re-
spect, but begets hatred and aversion; and as it can
not well consist with the purposes of society, it leads
a person into a sort of solitude, like that of the wild
beast in the desert, who must spend his time by him-
self, because he m not fit for company.
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE. 51
Differences in Social Intercourse.
If any difference arises, it should be conducted
with reason and moderation. Scholars should con-
tend with wit and argument, which are the weapons
proper to their profession.
Their science is a science of defense; it is like that
of fencing with the foil, which has a guard or but-
ton upon the point, that no hurt may be given.
When the sword is taken up instead of the foil, fenc-
ing is no longer an exercise of the school but of the
field.
If a gentleman with a foil in his hand appears
heated, and in a passion with his adversary, he ex-
poses himself by acting out of character; because
this is a trial of art, and not of passion.
The reason why people are soon offended, is only
this — that they set a high value upon themselves.
Slight Reflections.
A slight reflection can never be a great offense,
but when it is offered to a great person; and if a
man is such in his own opinion, he will measure an
offense, as he measures himself, far beyond its value.
If we consult our religion upon this subject, it
teaches us that no man is to value himself for any
qualifications of mind or body.
What we call complaisance, gentility, or good
breeding, affects to do this; and is the imitation of a
most excellent virtue.
62 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.
Improving by Conversation.
If we would improve our minds by conversation,
it is a great happiness to be acquainted with persons
older than ourselves.
It is a piece of useful advice, therefore, to get the
favor of their conversation frequently, as far as cir-
cumstances will allow.
Learn Something from all.
In mixed company, among acquaintance and
strangers, endeavor to learn something from all.
Be swift to hear, but be cautious of your tongue*
lest you betray your ignorance, and perhaps offend
some of those who are present too.
Acquaint yourself therefore sometimes with per-
sons and parties which are far distant from your
common life and customs. This is the way whereby
you may form a wiser opinion of men and things.
Be not frightened or provoked at opinions differ-
ing from your own.
Be not too Confident.
Some persons are so confident they are in the right
that they will not come within the hearing of any
opinion but their own. They canton out to them-
selves a little province in the intellectual world,
where they fancy the light shines, and all the rest is
in darkness.
Believing that it is impossible to learn something
SOCIAL INTERCOURSE. 53
from persons they consider much below themselves.
Narrow and Limited Views
We are all short-sighted creatures ; our views are
also, narrow and limited; we often see but one side
of a matter, and do not extend our sight far and
wide enough to reach everything that has a connec-
tion with the thing we talk of. We see but in part;
therefore it is no wonder we form incorrect conclu-
sions, because we don't survey the whole of any sub-
ject.
Consulting with Others.
We have a different prospect of the same thing,
according to the different positions of our under-
standings toward it: a weaker man may sometimes
light on truths which have escaped a stronger, and
which the wiser man might make a happy use of, if
he would condescend to take notice of them.
Difference of Opinion.
When you are forced to differ from him who de-
livers his opinion on any subject, yet agree as far as
you can, and represent how far you agree; and, if
there be any room for it, explain the words of the
speaker in such a sense to which you can in general
assent, and so agree with him, or at least by a small
addition or alteration of his sentiments show your
own sense of things.
54 SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.
It is the practice and delight of a candid hearer
to make it appear how unwilling he is to differ from
him that speaks.
Let the speaker know that it is nothing but truth
constrains you to oppose him; and let that difference
be always expressed in few, and civil, and chosen
words, such as may give the least offence.
And be careful always to take Solomon's rule with
you, and let your companion fairly finish his speech
before you reply; "for he that answereth a matter be-
fore he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him."
A little watchfulness, care, and practice, in young-
er life, will render all these things more easy, famil-
iar, and natural to you, and will grow into habit.
CHAPTER VI.
CONVERSATION.
LET your conversation be adapted as skillfully as
may be to your company. Some men make
a point of talking commonplaces to all ladies alike,
as if a woman could only be a trifler. Others, on the
contrary, seem to forget in what respects the educa-
tion of a lady differs from that of a gentleman, and
commit the opposite error of conversing on topics
with which ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman
of sense has as much right to be annoyed by the one,
as a lady of ordinary education by the other. You
cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refine-
ment and esprit than by leading the conversation
into such a channel as may mark your appreciation
of her superior attainments.
Subjects to be Avoided.
In talking with ladies of ordinary education,
avoid political, scientific, or commercial topics, and
choose only such subjects as are likely to be of inter-
est to them.
56 CONVERSATION.
Talk to People of their own affairs. .
Remember that people take more interest in their
own affairs than in anything else which you can
name. If you wish your conversation to be thor-
oughly agreeable, lead a mother to talk of her chil-
dren, a young lady of her last ball, an author of
his forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition
picture. Having furnished the topic, you need only
listen; and you are sure to be thought not only
agreeable, but thoroughly sensible and well-in-
formed.
Avoid talking too much of their Professions.
Be careful, however, on the other hand, not always
to make a point of talking to persons upon general
matters relating to their professions. To show an
interest in their immediate concerns is flattering;
but to converse with them too much about their own
arts looks as if you thought them ignorant of other
topics.
Avoid Classical Quotations.
Do not use a classical quotation in the presence of
ladies without apologizing for, or translating it.
Even this should only be done when no other phrase
would so aptly express your meaning. Whether in
the presence of ladies or gentlemen, much display
of learning is pedantic and out of place.
CON VERSA TION. 57
Modulation.
There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of
voice which is peculiar to only well-bred persons. A
loud voice is both disagreeable and vulgar. It is
better to err by the use of too low than too loud a
tone.
Slang.
Remember that all "slang" is vulgar. It has be-
come of late unfortunately prevalent, and we have
known even ladies pride themselves on the saucy
chique with which they adopt certain cant phrases
of the day. Such habits cannot be too severely repre-
hended. They lower the tone of society and the
standard of thought. It is a great mistake to sup-
pose that slang is in any way a substitute for wit.
Using Proverbs and Puns.
The use of proverbs is equally vulgar in conversa-
tion ; and puns, unless they rise to the rank of witti-
cisms, are to be scrupulously avoided. There is no
greater nuisance in society than a dull and persever-
ing punster,
Avoid Long Arguments.
Long arguments in general company, however en-
tertaining to the disputants, are tiresome to the last
degree to all others. You should always endeavor
58 CON VERSA TION.
to prevent the conversation from dwelling too long
upon one topic.
Interrupting a Person while Speaking.
Never interrupt a person who is speaking. It has
been aptly said that " if you interrupt a speaker in
the middle of his sentence, you act almost as rudely
as if, when walking with a companion, you were to
thrust yourself before him, and stop his progress."
♦ Whispering in Society.
It is considered extremely ill-bred when two per-
sons whisper in society, or converse in a language
with which all present are not familiar. If you have
private matters to discuss, you should appoint a
proper time and place to do so, without paying-
others the ill compliment of excluding them from
your conversation.
If a foreigner be one of the guests at a small party,
and does not understand English sufficiently to fol-
low what is said, good-breeding demands that the
conversation shall be carried on (when possible) in
his own language. If at a dinner-party, the same
rule applies to those at his end of the table.
Make the Topic of Conversation Known.
If upon the entrance of a visitor you carry on the
thread of a previous conversation, you should briefly
recapitulate to him what has been said before he
arrived.
CONVERSATION. 59
Witticisms.
Do not be always witty, even though you should
be so happily gifted as to need the caution. To out-
shine others on every occasion is the surest road to
unpopularity.
Always look, but never stare, at those with whom
you converse.
In order to meet the general needs of conversation
in society, it is necessary that a man should be well
acquainted with the current news and historical
events of at least the last few years.
Avoid Unfamiliar Subjects.
Never talk upon subjects of which you know noth-
ing, unless it be for the purpose of acquiring infor-
mation. Many young men imagine that because
they frequent exhibitions and operas they are quali-
fied judges of art. No mistake is more egregious or
universal.
Introducing Anecdotes.
Those who introduce anecdotes into their conver-
sation are warned that these should invariably be
"short, witty, eloquent, new, and not far-fetched."
Scandal is the least excusable of all conversation-
al vulgarities.
In conversation study to be quiet and composed.
Do not talk too much, and do not inflict upon your
60 CONVERSATION.
hearers interminably long stories, in which, at the
best they can have but a little interest.
Correct Pronunciation.
Take pains to pronounce your words correctly.
Some people have a strangely vulgar way of saying
hos-p^-able for /ws-pit-able; inter-esMng for m-ter-
esting.
Avoid Repeating.
Some persons have an awkward habit of repeat-
ing the most striking parts of a story, especially the
main point, if it has taken greatly the first time.
This is in very bad taste, and always excites disgust.
In most cases, the story pleased the first time, only
because it was unexpected.
Cultivating the Mind.
Your conversation can never be worth listening to
unless you cultivate your mind. To talk well you
must read much. A little knowledge on many sub-
jects is soon acquired by diligent reading. One does
not wish to hear a lady talk politics nor a smatter-
ing of science; but she should be able to understand
and listen with interest when politics are discussed,
and to appreciate, in some degree, the conversation
of scientific men.
CONVERSA TION. 61
Music.
A well-bred lady of the present day is expected to
know something of music besides merely playing a
difficult piece. She should be able to discuss the
merits of different styles of music, modestly and in-
telligently; a little reading on the subject, and some
attention to the intellectual character of music, will
enable her to do so; and as music is becoming quite
a national passion, she will find the subject brought
forward very frequently by gentlemen.
"A Low Voice."
I think one can always tell a lady by her voice
and laugh — neither of which will ever be loud or
coarse, but soft, low, and nicely modulated. Shake-
speare's unfailing taste tells us that —
"a low voice is an excellent thing in woman."
And we believe that the habit of never raising the
voice would tend much to the comfort and happi-
ness of many a home: as a proof of good breeding,
it is unfailing.
Talk well about Trifles.
You should endeavor to have the habit of talking
well about trifles. Be careful never to make person-
al remarks to a stranger on any of the guests pres-
ent: it is possible, nay probable, that they may be
relatives, or at least friends.
62 CON VERSA TION.
Double Entendres.
I need not say that no person of decency, still less
delicacy, will be guilty of a double entendre. Still, as
there are persons in the world possessing neither of
these characteristics who will be guilty of them in
the presence of people more respectable than them-
selves, and as the young and inexperienced are some-
times in doubt how to receive them, it is well to
make some reference to them in a book of this char-
acter. A well-bred person always refuses to under-
stand a phrase of doubtful meaning. If the phrase
may be interpreted decently, and with such inter-
pretation would provoke a smile, then smile to just
the degree called for by such interpretation, and no
more. The prudery which sits in solemn and severe
rebuke at a double entendre is only second in indeli-
cacy to the indecency which grows hilarious over it,
since both must recognize the evil intent. It is suffi-
cient to let it pass unrecognized.
Indelicate Words and Expressions.
Not so when one hears an indelicate word or ex-
pression, which allows of no possible harmless inter-
pretation. Then not the shadow of a smile should
flit across the lips. Either complete silence should
be preserved in return or the words, "I do not under-
stand you," be spoken. A lady will always fail to
hear that which she should not hear, or, having un-
mistakably heard, she will not understand.
CONVERSATION. 63
A lady was once in the streets of the city alone
after dark, and a man accosted her. She replied to
him in French. He followed her some distance try-
ing to open a conversation with her; but as she per-
sisted in replying only in French, he at last turned
away, completely baffled in his efforts to understand
or be understood.
Profanity.
A gentleman should never permit any phrase that
approaches to an oath, to escape his lips in the pres-
ence of a lady. If any man employs a profane ex-
pression in the drawing-room, his pretensions to
good-breeding are gone forever. The same reason
extends to the society of men advanced in life; and
he would be singularly defective in good taste, who
should swear before old persons, however irreligious
their own habits might be. The cause of profanity
being offensive in these cases is that it denotes an
entire absence of reverence and respect from the
spirit of him who uses it.
Listening.
"A dearth of words," says Young,
"a woman need not fear,
But 'tis a task, indeed to learn to liear;
In that, the skill of conversation lies;
That shows or makes you both polite and wise."
Listening is not only a point of good-breeding and
the best kind of flattery, but it is a method of &c-
64 CONVERSATION.
quiring information which no man of judgment will
neglect. "This is a common vice in conversation,"
says Montaigue, "that instead of gathering observa-
tions from others, we make it our whole business to
lay ourselves open to them, and are more concerned
how to expose and set out our own commodities, than
how to increase our stock by acquiring new. Silence
therefore, and modesty, are very advantageous qual-
ities in conversation."
Give Credit for what You Learn.
But if a person gets knowledge in this way from
another, he should always give him due credit for
it : and not endeavor to sustain himself in society
upon the claims that really belong to another. "It
is a special trick of low cunning," says Walpole,
with a very natural indignation, "to squeeze out
knowledge from a modest man, who is eminent in
any science; and then to use it as legally acquired,
and pass the source in total silence."
The best kind of Conversation.
That conversation is the best which furnishes the
most entertainment to the person conferred with, and
calls upon him for the least exercise of mind. It is
for this reason that argument and difference are stu-
diously avoided by well-bred people; they tax and
tire. It should be the aim of everv one to utter his
CONVERSATION. 65
remarks in such a form that the expression of assent
or opposition need not follow from him he speaks
with.
Interjections.
The interjection of such phrases as, "You know,"
"You see," "Don't you see?" "Do you understand?"
and similar ones that stimulate the attention, and
demand an answer, ought to be avoided. Make your
observations in a calm and sedate way, which your
companion may attend to or not, as he pleases, and
let them go for what they are worth.
Avoid Wounding the Feelings of Another.
To avoid wounding the feelings of another, is the
key to almost every problem of manners that can be
proposed; and he who will always regulate his say-
ings and doings by that principle, may chance to
break some conventional rule, but will rarely vio-
late any of the essentials of good-breeding. Judg-
ment and attention are as necessary to fulfil this pre-
cept, as the disposition; for, by inadvertence or folly
as much pain may be given as by designed malevo-
lence.
Affectations.
One of the first virtues of conversation is to be
perspicuous and intelligible. Those quaint and af-
66 CONVERSATION.
fected constructions, and high-flown, bookish phra-
ses, in which some indulge, to the embarrassment of
those they talk to, are in bad taste and should be
avoided. There have indeed at times appeared writ-
ers and schools of rhetoric who cultivated obscurity
as a merit.
Use Plain Words.
A man of good sense will always make a point of
using the plainest and simplest words that will con-
vey his meaning; and will bear in mind that his
principal or only business is to lodge his idea in the
mind of his hearer. The same remark applies to
distinctness of articulation; and Hannah More has
justly observed that to speak so that people can hear
you is one of the minor virtues.
Avoid Wit which Wounds.
Those who have generosity enough to care for the
feelings of others, or self-regard enough to covet
good-will, will be careful to avoid every display of
wit which wounds another. It is a happy circum-
stance for the honor of our nature, and one very
characteristical of the kindness of Providence, that
a display of the easiest moral virtues will generally
bring us more popularity than the exhibition of the
greatest talents without them.
CONVERSATION. 67
Part3 may be praised, good nature is ador'd;
Then draw your wit as seldom as your sword,
And never on the weak.
Those who scatter brilliant jibes without caring
whom they wound, are as unwise as they are un-
kind. Those sharp little sarcasms that bear a sting
in their words, rankle long, sometimes forever, in the
mind, and fester often into a fatal hatred never to
be abated.
Proper Reserve.
Every one should avoid displaying his mind and
principles and character entirely, but should let his
remarks only open glimpses to his understanding.
For women this precept is still more important.
They are like moss-roses, and are most beautiful in-
spirit and in intellect, when they are but half-un-
folded.
Professional Peculiarities.
When a man goes into company, he should leave
behind him all peculiarities of mind and manners.
That, indeed, constitued Dr. Johnson's notion of a
gentleman; and as far as negatives go, the notion was
correct. It is in bad taste, particularly, to employ
technical or professional terms in general conversa-
tion. Young physicians and lawyers often commit
that error.
The most eminent members of those occupations
68 CONVERSATION.
are the most free from it; for the reason, that the
most eminent have the most sense.
Modesty.
Young men often, through real modesty, put forth
their remarks in the form of personal opinions; as,
with the introduction of, " I think so-and-so," or,
"Now, I, for my part, have found it otherwise." This
is generally prompted by humility; and yet it has
an air of arrogance. The persons who employ such
phrases, mean to shrink from affirming a fact into ex-
pressing a notion, but are taken to be designing to
extend an opinion into an affirmance of a fact.
COVERSING WITH LADIES
If you are a gentleman, never lower the intellect-
ual standard of your conversation in addressing
ladies. Pay them the compliment of seeming to
consider them capable of an equal understanding
with gentlemen. You will, no doubt, be somewhat
surprised to find in how many cases the supposition
will be grounded on fact, and in the few instances
where it is not the ladies will be pleased rather than
offended at the delicate compliment you pay them.
When you "come down" to commonplace or small-
talk with an intelligent lady, one of two things is
the consequence, she either recognizes the conde-
scension and despise:" you, or else she accepts it as
CON VERSA TION. 69
the highest intellectual effort of which you are capa-
ble, and rates you accordingly.
Conclusion.
The foregoing rules are not simply intended as
good advice. They are strict laws of etiquette, to
violate any one of which justly subjects a person to
the imputation of being ill-bred. But they should
not be studied as mere arbitrary rules. The heart
should be cultivated in the right manner until the
acts of the individual spontaneously flow in the
right channels.
A recent writer remarks on this subject: "Con-
versation is a reflex of character. The pretentious,
the illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inev-
itably betray their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the
even-tempered and the generous. Strive as we may,
we cannot always be acting. Let us therefore, cul-
tivate a tone of mind and a habit of life the betray-
al of which need not put us to shame in the com-
pany of the pure and wise; and the rest will be easy.
If we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelli-
gent society, we shall not be rejected from it; and in
such society we shall acquire by example all that we
have failed to learn from precept."
CHAPTER VII.
VISITS.
OF visits there are various kinds, visits of
congratulation, visits of condolence, visits of
ceremony, visits of friendship.
Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain
good feeling between the members of society; they
are required by the custom of the age in which we
live, and must be carefully attended to.
Visits of Congratulations.
Upon the appointment of one of your friends to
any office or dignity, you call upon him to congrat-
ulate, not him, but the country, community or state,
on account of the honor and advantage which it de-
rives from the appointment.
If one of your friends has delivered a public ora-
tion, call upon him when he has returned home, and
tender to him your thanks for the great pleasure and
satisfaction for which you are indebted to him, and
express your high estimation of the luminous, ele-
VISITS. 71
gant, &c. discourse, trusting that he will be prevail-
ed upon to suffer it published.
Visits of Ceremony or Calls.
Visits of ceremony, merging occasionally into
those of friendship, but uniformly required after
dining at a friends's house. Professional men are
not however, in general, expected to pay such visits,
because their time is preoccupied; but they form al-
most the only exception.
Time to make Ceremonious Visits.
Visits of ceremony must be necessarily short.
They should on no account be made before the hour,
nor yet during the time of luncheon. Persons who
intrude themselves at unwonted hours are never
welcome; the lady of the house does not like to be
disturbed when she is perhaps dining with her chil-
dren; and the servants justly complain of being in-
terrupted at the hour when they assemble for their
noon-day meal. Ascertain, therefore, which you can
readily do, what is the family hour for luncheon,
and act accordingly.
Keep an account op Ceremonial Visits:
Keep a strict account of your ceremonial visits.
This is needful, because time passes rapidly; and take
note how soon your calls are returned. You will
thus be able, in most cases, to form an opinion wheth-
er or not your frequent visits are desired. Instances
72 VISITS.
may however occur, when, in consequence of age or
ill health, it is desirable that you should call, with-
out any reference to your visits being return-
ed. When desirous to act thus, remember that
if possible, nothing should interrupt the discharge
of this duty.
Visits of Ceremony among Friends.
Among relations and intimate friends, visits of
mere ceremony are unnecessary. It is however, need-
ful to call at suitable times, and to avoid staying too
long if your friend is engaged. The courtesies of
society, as already noticed, must ever be maintained
even in the domestic circle, or among the nearest
friends.
Calling at an Inconvenient Hour.
Should you call by chance at an inconvenient
hour, when perhaps the lady is going out, or sitting-
down to luncheon, retire as soon as possible, even if
politely asked to remain. You need not let it ap-
pear that you feel yourself an intruder; every well-
bred or even good-tempered person knows what to
say on such an occasion; but politely withdraw with
a promise to call again, if the lady seems to be really
disappointed.
Visiting at Hotels.
If you call to see a friend who is staying at lodg-
VISITS. 73
ings, however intimate you may be with him, wait
below until a servant has carried up your name and
returned to tell you whether you can be admitted.
If you cannot find any one to announce you, you
should knock gently at the chamber-door, and wait
a little while before entering. If you are in too great
a hurry, you might find the person drawing off a
night-cap. These decent formalities are necessary
even in the most unreserved friendships; they pre-
serve the "familiar" from degenerating into the "vul-
gar." Disgust will very speedily arise between . per-
sons who bolt into one another's chambers, throw
open the windows and seat themselves without being
desired to do so. Such intimacies are like the junc-
tion of two electrical balls, — only the prelude of a
violent separation.
Visiting the Sick.
In calling to see a person confined by illness to
his room, it is not enough that you send up your
name; you must wait till the servant returns.
Style of Conversation.
The style of your conversation should always be
in keeping with the character of your visit. You
must not talk about literature in a visit of condolence
nor lecture on political economy in a visit of cere-
mony.
74 VISITS.
Visits of Condolence.
Visits of condolence should be paid within a week
after the event which occasions them; but if the ac-
quaintance be slight, immediately after the family-
appear at public worship. A card should be sent
up; and if your friends are able to receive you, let
your manners and conversation be in harmony with
the character of your visit. It is courteous to send
up a mourning card; and for ladies to make their
calls in black silk or plain-colored apparel. It de-
notes that they sympathize with the afflictions of the
family; and such attentions are always pleasing.
Before Going Abroad.
When you are going abroad, intending to be ab-
sent for some time, you enclose your card in an en-
velope, having, first, written p. p. c. upon it; — they
are the initials of the French phrase, "pour prendre
conge" — to take leave, and may with equal propriety
stand for presents parting compliments.
Taking Leave of a Family.
In taking leave of a family, you send as many
cards as you would if you were paying an ordinary
visit. When you return from your voyage, all the
persons to whom, before going, you have sent cards,
will pay you the first visit.
VISITS. 75
Meeting Other Visitors.
If a gentleman call at a house when a woman is
visiting there at the same time, and there is no male
relation of the mistress of the house present, he
should rise, when she takes leave, and accompany
her to her carriage, opening the doors for her. If
his visit has been of tolerable length, it were less
awkward, if he were to take leave at the same time;
if not, return to the parlor.
Gentlemen's Morning Call.
Gentlemen will do well to bear in mind that, when
the}' pay morning calls, they must carry their hats
with them into the drawing-room; but on no account
put them on the chairs or table. There is a grace-
ful manner of holding a hat, which every well-bred
man understands.
Returning From the Country.
In the beginning of the season, afterpersons have
returned from the country, and at the close of it
when you are about to leave town, you should call
upon all your acquaintance. It is polite and pleas-
ant to do the same thing on New Year's day, to wish
your friends the compliments of that season.
Cards for Ceremonious Visits.
It is becoming more usual for visits of ceremony
76 VISITS.
to be performed by cards; it will be a happy day
when that is universal.
Calling on Strangers.
If a stranger belonging to your own class of socie-
ty comes to town, you should call upon him. That
civility should be paid even if there be no previous
acquaintance; and it does not require the ceremony
of an introduction. In going to another city, you
should in general wait to be visited; but the etiquette
is different in many cities of our country.
I
Engaged or not at Home.
When you call to see a person, and are informed
at the door, that the party whom you ask for, is en-
gaged, you should never persist in your attempt to
be admitted, but should acquiesce at once in their
arrangements which the others have made for their
convenience, to protect themselves from interrup-
tion. However intimate you may be in any house,
you have no right nor reason, when an order has
been given to exclude general visitors, and no excep-
tion has been made of you, to violate that exclusion
|md declare that the party shall be at home to you.
I have known several persons who have had the hab-
it of forcing an entrance into a house, after having
been thus forbidden; but whatever has been the de-
gree of intimacy, I never knew it done without giv-
ing an offence bordering on disgust. There are many
times and seasons at which a person chooses to be
VISITS. 77
entirely alone, and when there is no friendship for
which he would give up his occupation or his soli-
tude.
Evening Visits.
Evening visits are paid only to those with whom
we are well acquainted. They should not be very
frequent even where one is intimate, nor should they
be much protracted. Frequent visits will gain for a
man, in any house, the reputation of tiresome, and
long visits will invariably bring down the appella-
tion of bore. Morning visits are always extremely
brief, being matters of mere ceremony.
Friendly Calls.
It is not necessary to mention friendly calls, ex-
cept to state, that almost all ceremony should be dis-
pensed with, They are made at all hours without
much preparation or dressing; a too brilliant attire
would be out of place, and if the engagement of the
day carry you in such a costume to the house of a
friend, you ought obligingly to make an explana-
tion.
Keep Account op Visits.
With a friend or relation whom we treat as such,
we do not keep an account of our visits. The one
who has the most leisure calls on the one
who has the least; but this privilege ought not to be
abused; it is necessary to make our visits of friend-
78 VISITS.
ship at suitable times. On the contrary, a visit of
ceremony should never be made without keeping an
account of it, and we should even remember the in-
tervals at which they are returned, for it is indispen-
sably necessary to let a similar interval elapse. Peo-
ple in this way give you notice whether they wish
to see you often or seldom. There are some persons
whom one goes to see once in a fortnight; others,
once a month; and others, less frequently.
Omiting Visits.
In order not to omit visits, which are to be made,
or to avoid making them form misinformation, when
a preceding one has not been returned, persons who
have an extensive acquaintance will do well to keep
a little memorandum-book for this purpose.
Ceremonious Visits.
We cannot make ceremonious visits in a becom-
ing manner, if we have any slight indisposition
which may for the time affect our appearance or
voice, which may embarrass our thoughts, and ren-
der our company fatiguing.
Suitable Times for Visits.
To take a suitable time for one's self, or for others,
is indispensable in visiting, as in everything else; if
you can obtain this by remembering the habits of
the person you are going to see, by making arrange-
ments so as not to call at the time of taking meals.
VISITS. 79
in moments of occupation, and when they are like-
ly to be walking. This time necessarily varies; but
as a general rule we must take care not to make cer-
emonious visits, either before the middle of the day
or after four o'clock. To do otherwise would, on the
one hand, look like importunity, by presenting one's
self too early, and on the other might interfere with
arrangements that had been made for the even-
ing.
HOW TO TREAT VISITORS,
A well-bred person aways receives visitors at what-
ever time they may call, or whoever they may be; but
if you are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupt-
ed by a mere ceremony, you should instruct the ser-
vant beforehand to say that you are " not at home."
This form has often been denounced as a falsehood,
but a lie is no lie unless intended to deceive ; and
since the words are universally understood to mean
that you are engaged, it can be no harm to give
such an order to a servant. But, on the other hand,
if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall,
you should receive him at any inconvenience to
yourself. A lady should never keep a visitor wait-
ing more than a minute, or two at the most, and if
she cannot avoid doing so, must apologize on enter-
ing the drawing-room.
Taking a Seat while Visiting.
In good society, a visitor, unless he is a complete
80 VISITS.
stranger, does not wait to be invited to sit down, but
takes a seat at once easily. A gentleman should
never take the principal place in the room, nor, on
the other hand, sit at an inconvenient distance from
the lady of the house. He must hold his hat grace-
fully, not put it on a chair or table, or, if he wants
to use both hands, must place it on the floor close to
his chair.
Pay Equal attention to All.
A well-bred lady, who is receiving two or three
visitors at a time, pays equal attention to all, and
attempts, as much as possible, to generalize the con-
versation, turning to all in succession. The last
arrival, however, receives a little more attention at
first than the others, and the latter, to spare her em-
barrasment, should leave as soon as convenient.
People who out-sit two or three parties of visitors,
unless they have some particular motive for doing
so, come under the denomination of "bores." A
"bore" is a person who does not know when you
have had enough of his or her company.
Taking a Friend with you Visiting.
Be cautious how you take an intimate friend un-
invited even to the house of those with whom you
may be equally intimate, as there is always a feeling
ing of jealousy that another should share your
thoughts and feelings to the same extent as them-
VISITS. 81
selves, although good breeding will induce them to
behave civilly to your friend on your account.
Privilages of Ladies.
Ladies in the present day are allowed considerable
license in paying and receiving visits; subject, how-
ever, to certain rules, which it is needful to define.
Visiting Acquaintances Alone.
Young married ladies may visit their acquaintan-
ces alone; but they may not appear in any public
places unattended by their husbands or elder ladies.
This rule must never be infringed, whether as re-
gards exhibitions, or public libraries, museums, or
promonades; but a young married lady is at liberty
to walk with her friends of the same age, whether
married or single. Gentlemen are permitted to call
on married ladies at their own houses. Such calls
the usages of society permit, but never without the
knowledge and full permission of husbands.
A Lady Calling on a Gentleman.
A lady never calls on a gentleman, unless profes-
sionally or officially. It is not only ill-bred, but pos-
itively improper to do so. At the same time, there
is a certain privilege in age, which makes it possible
for an old bachelor like myself to receive a visit from
any married lady whom I know very intimately,
but such a call would certainly not be one of cere-
mony, and always presupposes a desire to consult me
82 VISITS.
on some point or other. I should be guilty of shame-
ful treachery, however, if I told any one that I had
received such a visit, while I should certainly expect
that my fair caller would let her husband know of
it.
Preference of Seats.
When morning visitors are announced, rise and
advance toward them. If a lady enters request her
to be seated on a sofa; but if advanced in life, or the
visitor be an elderly gentleman, insist on their ac-
cepting an easy chair, and place yourself, by them.
If several ladies arrive at the same time, pay due re-
spect to age and rank, and seat them in the most
honorable places; these, in winter, are beside the
fire.
Respect toward the Feeble and Aged.
Supposing that a young lady occupies such a seat,
and a lady older than herself, or superior in condi-
tion, enters the room, she must rise immediately, and
having courteously offered her place to the new com-
er, take another in a different part of the room.
Discontinuing Work.
If a lady is engaged with her needle when a vis-
itor arrives, she ought to discontinue her work, un-
less requested to do otherwise; and not even then
must it be resumed, unless on very intimate terms
with her acquaintance. When this, however, is the
VISITS. 83
case, the hostess may herself request permission ' to
do so. To continue working during a visit of cere-
mony would be extremely discourteous; and we can-
not avoid hinting to our lady readers, that even when
a particular friend is present for only a short time,
it is somewhat inconsistent with etiquette to keep
their eyes fixed on a crochet or knitting-book, appar-
ently engaged in counting stitches, or unfolding the
intricacies of a pattern. We have seen this done,
and are, therefore, careful to warn them on the sub-
ject. There are many kinds of light and elegant,
and even useful work, which do not require close at-
tention, and may be profitably pursued; and such
we recommend to be always on the work-table at
those hours which, according to established practice,
are given to social intercourse.
Visiting Cards.
Visitors should furnish themselves with cards.
Gentlemen ought simply to put their cards into their
pocket, but ladies may carry them in a small ele-
gant portfolio, called a card-case. This they can
hold in their hand and it will contribute essentially
(with an elegant handkerchief of embroidered cam-
bric,) to give them an air of good taste.
Address on Cards.
On visiting cards, the address is usually placed
under the name, towards the bottom of the card,
and in smaller letters. Mourning cards are sur-
84 VISITS.
mounted with a broad black margin; half mourn-
ing ones, with a black edge only.
Keeping Cards.
It is bad taste to keep the cards you have received
around the frame of a looking-glass; such an ex-
posure shows that you wish to make a display of the
names of visitors. When from some cause or other
which multiplies visitors at your house; (such as a
funeral or a marriage,) you are obliged to return
these numerous calls, it is not amiss to preserve the
cards in a convenient place, and save yourself the
trouble of writing a list; but if, during the year,
your glass is always seen bristling with smoke-dried
cards, it will be attributed, without doubt, to an ill-
regulated self esteem. If the call is made in a car-
riage, the servant will ask if the lady you wish to
see is at home. If persons call on foot, they go
themselves to ask the servants.
Laying Aside the Bonnet.
The short time devoted to a ceremonious visit, the
necessity of consulting a glass in replacing the head-
dress, and of being assisted in putting on the shawl,
prevent ladies from accepting the invitation to lay
them aside. If they are slightly familiar with the
person they are visiting and wish to be more at ease,
they should ask permission, which should be grant-
ed them, at the same time rising, to assist them
in taking off their hat and shawl. An arm-chair,
VISITS. 85
or a piece of furniture at a distant part of the room,
should receive these articles; they should not be
placed upon the couch, without the mistress of the
house puts them there.
Habitual Visits.
At the house of a person whom we visit habitual-
ly, we can lay them aside without saying a word, and
a lady can even adjust her hair, &c. before the glass,
provided she occupies only a few moments in doing
it. If the person you call upon is preparing to go
out, or to sit down at table, you should although
asked to remain, to retire as soon as possible. The
person visited so unseasonably, should on her part,
be careful to conceal her knowledge, that the other
wishes the visit ended quickly.
We should always appear delighted to receive vis-
itors; and should they make a short visit, you must
express your regret.
Short Visits.
Ceremonious visits should be short; if the conver-
sation ceases without being again continued by the
person you have come to see, and if she gets up from
her seat under any pretext whatever, custom re-
quires you to make your salutation and withdraw.
If before this tacit invitation to retire, other visitors
are announced, you should adroitly leave them with-
out saying much. If, while you are present, a letter
is brought to the person vou are visiting, and she
86 VISITS.
should lay it down without opening it, you must en-
treat her to read it; she will probably not do so, and
this circumstance will warn you to shorten your
visit.
Unintentional Intrusions.
In most families in this country, evening calls are
the most usual. ShoMld you chance to visit a fami-
ly, and find that they have a party, present yourself,
and converse for a few minutes with an unembar-
rassed air; after which you may retire, unless urged
to remain. A slight invitation, given for the sake
of courtesy, ought not to be accepted. Make no
apology for your unintentional intrusion; but let it
be known, in the course of a few days, that you were
not aware that your friends had company.
True Hospitality.
In receiving guests, your first object should be
to make them feel at home. Begging them to make
themselves at home is not sufficient. You should
display a genuine unaffected friendliness. Whether
you are mistress of a mansion or a cottage, and in-
vite a friend to share your hospitality, you must en-
deavor, by every possible means, to render the visit
agreeable. This should be done without apparent
effort, that the visitor may feel herself to be a par-
taker in your home enjoyments, instead of finding
that you put yourself out of the way to procure ex-
traneous pleasures. It is right and proper that you
VISITS. 87
seek to make the time pass lightly; but if, on the
other hand, you let a visitor perceive that the whole
tenor of your daily concerns is altered on her account
a degree of depression will be felt, and the pleasant
anticipations which she most probably entertained
will fail to be realized. Let your friend be assured,
from your manner, that her presence is a real enjoy-
ment to you, an incentive to recreations which other-
wise would not be thought of in the common rou-
tine of life. Observe your own feelings when you
happen to be the guest of a person who, though he
may be very much your friend, and really glad to
see you, seems not to know what to do either with
you or himself; and again, when in the house of
another you feel as much at ease as in your own.
Mark the difference, more easily felt than described,
between the manners of the two, and deduce there-
from a lesson for your own improvement.
Treatment of Guests.
If you have guests in your house, you are to ap-
pear to feel that they are all equal for the time, for
they all have an equal claim upon your courtesies.
Those of the humblest condition will receive full as
much attention as the rest, in order that you shall not
painfully make them feel their inferiority.
Offer your guests the best that you have in the
way of food and rooms, and express no regrets and
make no excuses that you have nothing better to
give them.
88 VISITS.
Try to make your guests feel at home; and do
this, not by urging them in empty words to do so
but by making their stay as pleasant as possible, at
the same time being careful to put out of sight any
trifling trouble or inconvenience they may cause
you.
Devote as much time as is consistent with other
engagements to the amusement and entertainment
of your guests.
Duties of the Visitor.
On the other hand, the visitor should try to con-
form as much as possible to the habits of the house
which temporarily shelters him. He should never
object to the hours at which meals are served, nor
should he ever allow the family to be kept waiting
on his account.
It is a good rule for a visitor to retire to his own
apartment in the morning, or at least seek out some
occupation of his own, without seeming to need the
assistance or attention of host or hostess: for it is
undeniable that these have certain duties which
must be attended to at this portion of the day, in
order to leave the balance of the time free for the
entertainment of their" guests.
If any family matters of a private or unpleasant
nature come to the knowledge of the guest during
his stay, he must seem both blind and deaf, and
never refer to them unless the parties interested
speak of them first. Still more is he under moral
VISITS. 89
obligations never to repeat to others what he may
have been forced to see and hear.
The rule on which a host and hostess should act
is to make their guests as much at ease as possible ;
that on which a visitor should act is to interfere as
little as possible with the ordinary routine of the
house.
It is not required that a hostess should spend her
whole time in the entertainment of her guests. The
latter may prefer to be left to their own devices for
a portion of the day. On the other hand it shows
the worst of breeding for a visitor to seclude him-
self from the family and seek his own amusements
and occupations regardless of their desire to join in
them or entertain him. Such a guest had better go
to a hotel, where he can live as independently as he
chooses.
Give as little trouble as possible when a guest, but
at the same time never think of apologizing for any
little additional trouble which your visit may occa-
sion. It would imply that you thought your friends
incapable of entertaining you without some incon-
venience to themselves.
Keep your room as neat as possible, and leave no
articles of dress or toilet around to give trouble to
servants.
A lady will not hesitate to make her own bed if
few or no servants are kept; and in the latter case
she will do whatever else she can to lighten the la-
bors of her hostess as a return for the additional ex-
ertion her visit occasions.
90 VISITS.
Leavetaking.
Upon taking leave express the pleasure you have
experienced in your visit. Upon returning home it
is an act of courtesy to write and inform your friends
of your safe arrival, at the same time repeating your
thanks.
A host and hostess should do all they can to make
the visit of a friend agreeable; they should urge
him to stay as long as is consistent with his own
plans, and at the same time convenient to them-
selves. But when the time for departure has been
finally fixed upon, no obstacles should be placed in
the way of leavetaking. Help him in every possi-
ble way to depart, at the same time giving him a
general invitation to renew the visit at some future
period.
"Welcome the coming, speed the parting, guest,"
expresses the true spirit of hospitality.
CHAPTER VIII.
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
THE hour of dinner has been pronounced by
Dr. Johnson, to be, in civilized life, the most
important hour of the twenty-four. The etiquette
of the dinner-table has a prominence commensurate
with the dignity of the ceremony. Like the his-
torian of Peter Bell, we commence at the commence-
ment, and thence proceed to the moment when you
take leave officially, or vanish unseen.
Invitations.
In order to dine, the first requisite is — to be invit-
ed. The length of time wThich the invitation pre-
cedes the dinner is always proportioned to the grand-
eur of [the occasion, and varies from two days to
two weeks.
Reply to Invitation.
You reply to a note of invitation immediately,
and in the most direct and unequivocal terms. If
you accept, you arrive at the house rigorously at the
92 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
hour specified. It is equally inconvenient to be too
late and to be too early. If you fall into the latter
error, you find every thing in disorder ; the master
of the house is in his dressing-room, changing his
waistcoat; the lady is still in the pantry ; the fire not yet
lighted in the parlor. If by accident or thoughtless-
ness you arrive too soon, you may pretend that you
called to inquire the exact hour at which they dine,
having mislaid the note, and then retire to walk for
an appetite.
Arriving too Late.
If you are too late, the evil is still greater, and
indeed almost without a remedy. Your delay spoils
the dinner and destroys the appetite and temper of
the guests ; and you yourself are so much embarrassed
at the inconvenience you have occasioned, that you
commit a thousand errors at table. If you do not
reach the house until dinner is served, you had
better retire to a restaurant, and thence send an
apology, and not interrupt the harmony of the courses
by awkward excuses and cold acceptances.
Manners at Table.
Nothing indicates the good breeding of a gentle-
man so much as his manners at table. There are a
thousand little points to be observed, which, al-
though not absolutely necessary, distinctly stamp the
refined and well-bred man. A man may pass mus-
ter by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 93
in conversation ; but if he be not perfectly "aufait "
dinner will betray him.
Dress Neatly for Dinner Party.
Always go to a dinner as neatly dressed as possi-
ble. The expensiveness of your apparel is not of
much importance, but its freshness and cleanliness
are indispensable. The hands and finger-nails re-
quire especial attention. It is a great insult to every
lady at the table for a man to sit down to dinner
with his hands in a bad condition.
How Long to Remain after Dinner.
Politeness demands that you remain at least an
hour in the parlor, after dinner; and, if you can
dispose of an entire evening, it would be well to
devote it to the person who has entertained you. It
is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as
dinner is over.
Congenial Company.
The utmost care should be taken that all the com-
pany will be congenial to one another, and with a
similarity of tastes and acquirements, so that there
shall be a common ground upon which they may
meet.
Number of Guests.
The number of guests should not be too large.
From six to ten form the best number, being neither
94 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
too large nor too small. By no means let the num-
ber at table count thirteen, for certain people have a
superstition about this number; and though it is a
very foolish and absurd one, it is courteous to re-
spect it.
Manner op Writing Invitations.
The invitations should be written on small note-
paper, which may have the initial letter or mono-
gram stamped upon it, but good taste forbids any-
thing more. The envelope should match the sheet
of paper
The invitation should be issued in the name of
the host and hostess.
The form of invitation should be as follows:
" Mr. and Mrs. Ford request the pleasure [or favor]
of Mr. and Mrs. Harper's company at dinner on
Thursday, the 13th of December, at 5 o'clock."
An answer should be returned at once, so that if
the invitation is declined the hostess may modify
her arrangements accordingly.
Invitation Accepted.
An acceptance may be given in the following form :
" Mr. and Mrs. Harper have much pleasure in
accepting Mr. and Mrs. Ford's invitation for De-
cember 13th."
Invitation Declined.
The invitation is declined in the following manner:
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 96
"Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret that a previous en-
gagement (or whatever the cause may be) will pre-
vent them having the pleasure of accepting Mr. and
Mrs. Ford's invitation for December 13th."
Or,
"Mr. and Mrs. Harper regret extremely that owing
to [whatever the preventing cause may be,] they
cannot have the pleasure of dining with Mr. and
Mrs. Ford on Thursday, December 13th."
• Whatever the cause for declining may be, it should
be stated briefly yet plainly, that there may be no
occasion for misunderstanding or hard feelings.
Invitation to Tea-party.
The invitation to a tea-party may be less formal.
It may take the form of a friendly note, something
in this manner:
"Dear Miss Patterson,"
"We have some friends coming to drink tea with
us to-morrow : will you give us the pleasure of your
company also? We hope you will not disappoint
us."
One should always say "drink tea," not "take tea,"
which is a vulgarism.
Reception of Guests.
When guests are announced, the lady of the house
advances a few steps to meet them; gives them her
hand and welcomes them cordially.
96 DINNER-PA R TIES AND BALLS.
Introduction of Guests.
If there are strangers in the company, it is best to
introduce them to all present, that they may feel no
embarrassment.
Proceeding to Dinner.
When they are all assembled, a domestic announ-
ces that the dinner is served up; at this signal we
rise immediately, and wait until the master
of the house requests us to pass into the din-
ing-room, whither he conducts us by going before.
It is quite common for the lady of the house to
act as guide to the guests, while the master offers his
arm to the lady of most distinction. The guests al-
so give their arms to the ladies, whom they conduct
as far as the table, and to the places which they are
to occupy. Having arrived at the table, each guest
respectfully bows to the lady whom he conducts, and
who in her turn bows also.
Arranging Guests at Table.
It is one of the first and most difficult things,
properly to arrange the guests, and to place them in
such a manner, that the conversation may always be
general during the entertainment; we should, as
much as possible, avoid putting next one another,
two persons of the same profession, as it would ne-
cessarily result in an aside dialogue, which would
injure the general conversation, and consequently
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 97
the gaiety of the occasion. The two most distin-
guished gentlemen ought to be placed next the
mistress of the house; and the two most distinguish-
ed ladies next the master of the house; the right
hand is especially the place of honor.
Intermingling Guests.
If the number of gentlemen is nearly equal to that
of theladies,we should take care to intermingle them;
we should separate husbands from their wives, and
remove near relations as far from one another as
possible; because being always together, they ought
not to converse among themselves in a general
party.
At table, as well as at all other places, the lady al-
ways takes precedence of the gentleman.
Asking the Waiter for Anything.
If you ask the waiter for anything, you will be
careful to speak to him gently in the tone of request,
and not of command. To speak to a waiter in a driv-
ing manner will create, among well-bred people, the
suspicion that you were sometime a servant yourself,
and are putting on airs at the thought of your pro-
motion. Lord Chesterfield says: "If I tell a foot-
man to bring me a glass of wine, in a rough, insult-
ing manner, I should expect that, in obeying me, he
would contrive to spill some of it upon me, and I am
sure I should deserve it."
98 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
Praising Every Dish.
It is not good taste to praise extravagantly every
dish that is set before you; but if there are some
things that are really very nice, it is well to speak in
their praise. But, above all things, avoid seeming
indifferent to the dinner that is provided for you, as
that might be construed into a dissatisfaction with
it.
Picking Your Teeth at the Table.
Avoid picking your teeth, if possible, at the table,
for however agreeable such a practice might be to
yourself, it may be offensive to others. The habit
which some have of holding one hand over the
mouth, does not avoid the vulgarity of teeth-pick-
ing at table.
Selecting a Particular Dish.
Unless you are requested to do so, never select any
particular part of a dish ; but if your host asks you
what part you prefer, name some part, as in this case
the incivility would consist in making your host
choose as well as carve for you.
Duties of Host and Hostess.
The lady and gentleman of the house, are of course
helped last, and they are very particular to notice,
every minute, whether the waiters are attentive to
every guest. But they do not press people either to
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 99
eat more than they appear to want, nor insist upon
their partaking of any particular dish. It is allow-
able for you to recommend, so far as to say that it is
considered "excellent," but remember that tastes dif-
fer, and dishes which suit you, may be unpleasant
to others; and that, in consequence of your urgency
some modest people might feel themselves compelled
to partake of what is disagreeable to them.
Paring Fruit for a Lady.
Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady unless
she desire you, and then be careful to use your fork
to hold it; you may sometimes offer to divide a very
large pear with or for a person.
Dipping Bread Into Preserves.
It is considered vulgar to dip a piece of bread into
the preserves or gravy upon your plate and then bite
it. If you desire to eat them together, it is much
better to break the bread in small pieces, and con-
vey these to your mouth with your fork.
Soup.
Soup is the first course. All should accept it even
if they let it remain untouched, because it is better
to make a pretence of eating until the next course is
served than to sit waiting or compel the servants to
serve one before the rest.
Soup should be eaten with the side of the spoon,
not from the point, and there should be no noise of
100 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
sipping while eating it. It should not be called for
a second time.
Fish.
Fish follows soup, and must be eaten with a fork,
unless fish-knives are provided. Put the sauce, when
it is handed you, on the side of your plate.
Fish may be declined, but must not be called for
a second time.
General Rules regarding Dinner.
After soup and fish, come the side-dishes, which
must be eaten with a fork only, though the knife
may be used in cutting anything too hard for a
fork.
Never apologize to a waiter for requiring him to
wait upon you ; that is his business. Neither re-
prove him for negligence or improper conduct, that
is the business of the host.
Never take up a piece of asparagus or the bones
of fowl or bird with your fingers to suck them, pos-
sibly making the remark that "fingers were made
before forks." These things should always be cut
with a knife and eaten with a fork. If fingers were
made before forks, so were wooden trenchers before
the modern dinner service. Yet it would rather
startle these advocates of priority to be invited to
a dinner-party where the dining-table was set with
a wooden trencher in the centre, into which all the
guests were expected to dip with their fingers.
DINNER-PABTIES AND BALLS. 101
Bread should be broken, not bitten. This is, of
course, taken with the fingers.
Be careful to remove the bones from fish before
eating it. If a bone gets inadvertently into the
mouth, the lips must be covered with the napkin in
removing it.
Cherry-stones should be removed from the mouth
as unobtrusively as possible and deposited on the side
of the plate, A good way is to watch how others are
doing and follow their example. A better way still
is for the hostess to have her cherries stoned before
they are made into pies and puddings, and thus save
her guests this dilemma.
If it is an informal dinner, and the guests pass the
dishes to one another instead of waiting to be helped
by a servant, you should always help yourself from
the dish, if you desire to do so at all, before passing
it on to the next.
A guest should never find fault with the dinner
or with any part of it.
When you are helped, begin to eat without wait-
ing for others to be served.
A knife should never, on any account, be put into
the mouth. Many even well-bred people in other
particulars think this an unnecessary regulation;
but when we consider that it is a rule of etiquette,
and that its violation causes surprise and disgust to
many people, it is wisest to observe it;
As an illustration of this point, I will quote from
a letter from the late Wm. M. Thackeray, addressed
102 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
to a gentleman in Philadelphia: "The European
continent swarms with your people. They are not
all as polished as Chesterfield. I wish some of them
spoke French a little better. I saw five of them at
supper at Basle the other night with their knives
down their throats. It was awful! My daughter
saw it, and I was obliged to say, 'My dear, your great-
great grandmother, one of the finest ladies of the
old school I ever saw, always applied cold steel to her
wittles. It's no crime to eat with a knife,' which is
all very well; but I wish five of 'em at a time
wouldn't."
Watching how Others do.
Speaking of watching how others are doing, and
following their example, reminds us of an anecdote
told us not long since by the lady who played the
principal part in it.
She was visiting at the house of a friend, and one
day there was upon the dinner-table some sweet corn
cooked on the ear. Not knowing exactly how to
manage it so as not to give offense, she concluded to
observe how the others did. Presently two of the
members of the family took up their ears of corn in
their ringers and ate the grain directly from the cob.
So Miss Mary thought she might venture to eat hers
in the same manner. Scarcely had she begun, how-
ever, when her hostess turned to her little boy and
said, "I am going to let you eat your corn just like
a little pig to-day."
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 103
"How is that, mamma?" questioned the boy.
"Look at Miss Mary," was the reply. "I am
going to let you eat it just as Miss Mary is eating
hers."
The mixed state of Miss Mary's feelings can be
better imagined than described.
Never use a napkin in the place of a handkerchief
by wiping the forehead or blowing the nose with
it.
Do not scrape your plate or tilt it to get the last
drop of anything it may contain, or wipe it out with
a piece of bread.
Pastry should be eaten with a fork. Everything
that can be cut without a knife, should be cut with a
fork alone.
Eat slowly.
Pudding may be eaten with a fork or spoon. Ice
requires a spoon.
Cheese must be eaten with a fork. '
Talk in a low tone to your next .neighbor, but not
in so low a tone but that your remarks may become
general. Never speak with the mouth full.
Never lay your hand or play with your fingers
upon the table. Neither toy with your knife, fork
or spoon, make pills of your bread nor draw imag-
inary lines upon the table-cloth.
Never bite fruit. An apple, pear or peach should
be peeled with a silver knife, and all fruit should be
broken or cut.
104 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
Urging Guests to Eat.
A mistress of a house ought never to appear to
pride herself regarding what is on her table, nor
confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer
which she offers you; it is much better for her to ob-
serve silence in this respect, and leave it to her
guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner; nei-
ther is it in good taste to urge guests to eat nor to
load their plate against their inclination.
Waiting on Others.
If a gentleman is seated by the side of a lady or
elderly person, politeness requires him to save them
all trouble of pouring out for themselves to drink,
of procuring anything to eat, and of obtaining what-
ever they are in want of at the table and he should
be eager to offer them what he thinks to be most to
their taste.
Monopolizing Conversation
It would be impolite to monopolize a conversation
which ought to be general. If the company is large
we should converse with our neighbors, raising the
voice only loud enough to make ourselves heard.
Signal for Leaving the Table.
It is for the mistress of the house to give the sig-
nal to leave the table; all the guests then rise, and,
offering their arms to the ladies, wait upon them to
the door.
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 105
You should not leave the table before the end of
the entertainment, unless from urgent necessity.
We are glad to say that the English habit of gen-
tlemen remaining at the table, after the ladies have
retired, to indulge in wine, coarse conversation and
obscene jokes, has never been received into popular
favor in this country. The very words "after-dinner
jokes" suggest something indecent. We take our
manners from Paris instead of London, and ladies
and gentlemen retire together from the dining-table
instead of the one sex remaining to pander to their
baser appetites, and the other departing with all their
delicate sentiments in a state of outrage if they pause
to think of the cause of their dismissal.
After retiring to the drawing-room the guests
should intermingle in a social manner, and the time
until the hour of taking leave may be spent either
in conversation or in various entertaining games. It
is expected the guests will remain two or three hours
after the dinner.
Dancing.
Lord Chesterfield, in his letters to his son, says :
"Dancing is, in itself, a very trifling and silly thing:
but it is one of those established follies to which
people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform;
and then they should be able to do it well. And
though I would not have you a dancer, yet, when
you do dance, I would have you dance well, as I
would have you do everything you do well." In
106 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
another letter, he writes: "Do you mind your danc-
ing while your dancing master is with you ? As you
will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet,
I would have you dance it very well. Remember
that the graceful motion of the arms, the giving of
your hand, and the putting off and putting on of
your hat genteelly, are the material parts of a gentle-
man's dancing. But the greatest advantage of danc-
ing well is, that it necessarily teaches you to present
yourself, to sit, stand, and walk genteelly; all of
which are of real importance to a man of fashion."
Giving a Ball.
If you cannot afford to give a ball in good style,
you had better not attempt it at all.
Having made up your mind to give a ball and to
do justice to the occasion, and having settled upon
the time, the next thing is to decide whom and how
many to invite. In deciding upon the number a due
regard must be paid to the size of the rooms; and
after making allowance for a reasonable number who
may not accept the invitation, there should be no
more invited than can find comfortable accommoda-
tions, both sitting and standing-room being taken
into account, and at the same time have the floor
properly free for dancing. The more guests you
have the more brilliant, and the fewer you have the
more enjoyable, will the occasion be.
Any number over a hundred guests constitutes a
/large ball :" under fifty it is merely a "dance."
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 107
Choice of Guests.
As dancing is the amusement of the evening, due
regard should be paid to the dancing qualifications
of the proposed guests.
Issuing Invitations.
The invitations issued and accepted for an even-
ing party will be written in the same style as those
already desciibed for a dinner-party. They should
be sent out at least from seven to ten days before the
day fixed for the event, and should be replied to within
a week of their receipt, accepting or declining with
regrets. By attending to these courtesies, the guests
will have time to consider their engagements and
prepare their dresses, and the hostess will also know
what will be the number of her party.
Prejudices against Dancing.
One should be scrupulous and not wound the prej-
udices of a friend by sending her an invitation to a
ball when it is well known she is conscientiously
opposed to dancing.
Notes of Interrogation.
No one now sends a note of interrogation to a
dance; cards are universally employed. The form
of an invitation to a tea-party differs from that to a
dance, in respect that the one specifies that you are
invited to tea, the other does not, but merely requests
108 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
the pleasure of your company on such an evening, and
perhaps names the hour.
Variety of Toilet.
Vary your toilet as much as possible, for fear that
idlers and malignant wits, who are always a ma-
jority in the world, should amuse themselves by
making your dress the description of your person.
Choice of Attire.
Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputa-
tion by the odd choice of their attire, and by their
eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fash-
ions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies
of a spoiled child; but it applauds a woman of sense
and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fash-
ions, and asks how long they will last, before adopt-
ing them ; finally, who selects and modifies them
with success according to her size and figure.
Evening Party.
If it is to be a simple evening party, in which we
may wear a summer walking-dress, the mistress of
the house gives verbal invitations, and does not
omit to apprise her friends of this circumstance, or
they might appear in unsuitable dresses. If, on the
contrary the soiree is to be in reality a ball, the in-
vitations are written, or what is better, printed and
expressed in the third person.
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 109
The Cloak Room.
A room appropriate for the purpose, and furnish-
ed with cloak-pins to hang up the shawls and other
dresses of the ladies, is almost indispensable. Do-
mestics should be there also, to aid them in taking
off and putting on their outside garments.
When to Arrive.
We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed
hour; it is even fashionable to go an hour later.
Married ladies are accompanied by their husbands :
unmarried ones, by their mother, or by an escort.
Refusing to Dance.
A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman
to dance, unless she has already accepted that of
another, for she would be guilty of an incivility
which might occasion trouble; she would,] more-
over, seem to show contempt for him whom she
refused, and would expose herself to receive in secret
an ill compliment from the mistress of the house.
Giving a Reason for not Dancing.
When a young lady declines dancing with a gentle-
man, it is her duty to give him a reason why, al-
though some thoughtless ones do not. No matter
how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of cour-
tesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other
hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his
110 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
self-respect as to take the slightest offense at seeing a
lady by whom he has just been refused, dance im-
mediately after with some one else.
How to Ask a Lady to Dance.
In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words,
u Will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille? "
or, "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with
you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the
pleasure?" or, "Will you give me the pleasure of
dancing with you.
Leaving a Ball Room.
Married or young ladies, cannot leave a ball-room,
or any other party, alone. The former should be
accompanied by one or two other married ladies, and
the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent
her.
Talking too Much.
Ladies should avoid talking too much; it will oc-
casion remarks. It has also a bad appearance to
whisper continually in the ear of your partner.
Wall Flowers.
The master of the house should see that all the
ladies dance; he should take notice, particularly of
those who seem to serve as drapery to the walls of
the ball-room, (or wall-flowers, as the familiar expres-
sion is.) and should see that they are invited to dance.
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. Ill
But he must do this wholly unperceived, in order
not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate la-
dies.
Duties of Gentlemen.
Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests
to dance with these ladies, should be ready to accede
to his wish, and even appear pleased at dancing with
a person thus recommended to their notice.
Duties of Ladies.
Ladies who dance much, should be very careful
not to boast before those who dance but little or not
at all, of the great number of dances for which they
are engaged in advance. They should also, without
being perceived, recommend to these less fortunate
ladies, gentlemen of their acquaintance.
While Dancing.
In giving the hand for ladies chain or any other
figures, those dancing should wear a smile, and ac-
company it with a polite inclination of the head, in
the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance,
the gentleman reconducts the lady to her place, bows
and thanks her for the honor which she has confer-
red. She also bows in silence, smiling with a gra-
cious air.
Reserve and Politeness.
In these assemblies, we should conduct ourselves
112 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
with reserve and politeness towards all present, al-
though they may be unknown to us.
When not to Dance.
Never hazard taking part in a quadrille, unless
you know how to dance tolerably; for if you are a
novice, or but little skilled, you would bring disor-
der into the midst of pleasure. Being once engaged
to take part in a dance, if the figures are not famil-
iar, be careful not to advance first. You can in this
way govern your steps by those who go before you.
Beware, also, of taking your place in a set of dan-
cers more skillful than yourself. When an unprac-
ticed dancer makes a mistake, we may apprize him
of his error; but it would be very impolite to have
the air of giving him a lesson.
Grace and Modesty.
Dance with grace and modesty, neither affect to
make a parade of your knowledge; refrain from
great leaps and ridiculous jumps, which would at-
tract the attention of all towards you.
Private Party.
In a private ball or party, it is proper for a lady
to show still more reserve, and not manifest more
preference for one gentleman than another; she should
dance with all who ask properly.
DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS. 113
Public Balls.
In public balls, a gentleman offers his partner re-
freshments, but which she very seldom accepts, un-
less she is well acquainted with him. But in pri-
vate parties, the persons who receive the company,
send round cake and other refreshments, of which
every one helps themselves. Near the end of the
evening, in a well regulated ball, it is customary to
have a supper; but in a soiree, without great prep-
aration, we may dispense with a supper; refresh-
ments are, however, necessary, and not to have them
would be the greatest impoliteness.
Visit of Thanks.
We should retire incognito, in order not to disturb
the master and mistress of the house; and we should
make them, during the week, a visit of thanks, at
which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball
and the good selection of the company.
Deportment in Public Places.
The proprieties in deportment, which concerts re-
quire, are little different from those which are re-
cognized in every other assembly, or in public exhi-
bitions, for concerts partake of the one and the oth-
er, according as they are public or private. In pri-
vate concerts, the ladies occupy the front seats, and
the gentlemen are generally in groups behind, or at
the side of them. We should observe the most pro-
1x4 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
found silence, and refrain from beating time, hum-
ming the airs, applauding, or making ridiculous
gestures of admiration. It often happens that a
dancing soiree succeeds a concert, and billets of in-
vitation, distributed two or three days before hand
should give notice of it to the persons invited.
General Rules for a Ball-room.
A lady will not cross a ball-room unattended.
A gentleman will not take a vacant seat next a
lady who is a stranger to him. If she is an acquaint-
ance, he may do so with her permission.
White kid gloves should be worn at a ball, and
only be taken off at supper-time.
In dancing quadrilles do not make any attempt to
take steps. A quiet walk is all that is required.
When a gentleman escorts a lady home from a
ball, she should not invite him to enter the house ;
and even if she does so, he should by all means de-
cline the invitation. He should call upon her during
the next day or evening.
As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary
for the lady of the house to advance each time to-
ward the door, but merely to rise from her seat to
receive their courtesies and congratulations. If, in-
deed, the hostess wishes to show particular favor to
some peculiarly honored guests, she may introduce
them to others, whose acquaintance she may imag-
ine will be especially suitable and agreeable.
When entering a private ball or party, the visitor
DINNEB-PABTIES AND BALLS. 115
should invariably bow to the company. No well-
bred person would omit this courtesy in entering a
drawing-room; although the entrance to a large as
sembly may be unnoticed.
Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room,
for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle
you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; there-
fore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your
hat; but even that is better avoided — unless, indeed,
she first bow — as neither she nor her friends can
know who or what you are.
Never wait until the signal is given to take a part-
ner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a la-
dy hastily, and when the dancers are already in
their places; it can be allowed only when the set is
incomplete.
In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invi-
tation of a gentleman to dance, unless she be pre-
viously engaged. The hostess must be supposed to
have asked to her house only those persons whom
she knows to be perfectly respectable and of unblem-
ished character, as well as pretty equal in position;
and thus, to decline the offer of any gentleman pres-
ent, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman or
lady of the house.
Conclusion.
There is a custom which is sometimes practiced
both in the assembly room and at private parties,
which cannot be too strongly reprehended ; we allude
116 DINNER-PARTIES AND BALLS.
to the habit of ridicule and ungenerous criticism of
those who are ungraceful or otherwise obnoxious to
censure, which is indulged in by the thoughtless,
particularly among the dancers. Of its gross im-
propriety and vulgarity we need hardly express an
opinion; but there is such an utter disregard for the
feelings of others implied in this kind of negative
censorship, that we cannot forbear to warn our young
readers to avoid it. The "Koran" says: "Do not
mock — the mocked may be better than the mocker."
Those you condemn may not have had the same ad-
vantages as yourself in acquiring grace or dignity,
while they may be infinitely superior in purity of
heart and mental accomplishments. The advice of
Chesterfield to his son, in his commerce with society,
to do as you would be done by, is founded on the
Christian precept, and worthy of commendation.
Imagine yourself the victim of another's ridicule,
and you will cease to indulge in a pastime which on-
ly gains for you the hatred of those you satirize, if
they chance to observe you, and the contempt of
others who have noticed your violation of politeness,
and abuse of true sociality.
&
CHAPTER IX.
STREET ETIQ UETTE.
IN England a gentleman is not expected to speak
to a lady on the street or recognize her, unless
she first salutes him with a smile or bow. But on
the continent of Europe the rule is reversed, and no
lady, however intimate you may be with her, will
acknowledge you in the street unless you first honor
her with a bow of recognition. The American fash-
ion is not like either of them. For here the really
well-bred man always politely and respectfully bows
to every lady he knows, and, if she is a well-bred
woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If
she expects no further acquaintance, her bow is a
mere formal, but always respectful, recognition of the
good manners which have been shown her, and no
gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness
to push a further acquaintance uninvited. But why
should a lady and gentleman, who know who each
other are, scornfully and doggedly pass each other
in the streets as though they were enemies? There
is no good reason for such impoliteness, in the prac-
118 STREET ETIQ UETTE.
tice of politeness. As compared with the English,
the French or continental fashion is certainly more
consonant with the rules of good breeding. But the
American rule is better than either, for it is based
upon the acknowledged general principle, that it is
every gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite in all
places. Unless parties have done something to for-
feit the respect dictated by the common rules of po-
liteness, there should be no deviation from this prac-
tice. It is a ridiculous idea that we are to practice
ill-manners in the name of etiquette.
B-ECOGniziNG Friends on the Street.
While walking the street no one should be so ab-
sent-minded as to neglect to recognize his friends. If
you do not stop, you should always bow, touch your
hat, or bid your friend good day. If you stop, you
can offer your hand without removing your glove.
If you stop to talk, retire on one side of the walk.
If your friend has a stranger with him and you have
anything to say, you should apologize to the stran-
ger. Never leave your friend abruptly to see anoth-
er person without asking him to excuse your depart-
ure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance
walking with a lady whom you do not know, lift
your hat as you salute them. If you know the lady
you should salute her first.
Never fail to raise your hat politely to a lady ac-
quaintance; nor to a male friend who may be walk-
ing with a lady — it is a courtesy to the lady.
STREET ETIQUETTE. 119
Omitting to Recognize Acquaintances.
A gentleman should never omit a punctilious ob-
servance of the rules of politeness to his recognized
acquaintances, from an apprehension that he will
not be met with reciprocal marks of respect. For
instance, he should not refuse to raise his hat to an
acquaintance who is accompanied by a lady, lest her
escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, return his
polite salutation with a nod of the head. It is bet-
ter not to see him, than to set the example of a rude
and indecorous salutation. In all such cases, and
in all cases, he who is most courteous has the advan-
tage, and should never feel that he has made a hu-
miliating sacrifice of his personal dignity. It is for
the party whose behavior has been boorish to have
a consciousness of inferiority.
Shaking Hands with a Lady.
Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the
street if you have on dark gloves, as you may soil
her white ones. If you meet a lady friend with
whom you wish to converse, you must not stop, but
turn and walk along with her; and should she be
walking with a gentleman, first assure yourself that
you are not intruding before you attempt to join the
two in their walk.
Young Ladies Conduct on the Street.
After twilight, a young lady would not be conduct-
ing herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone;
120 STREET ETIQ UETTE.
and if she passes the evening with any one, she
ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for
her at a stated hour ; but if this is not practicable,
she should politely ask of the person whom she is vis-
iting, to permit a servant to accompany her. But,
however much this may be considered proper, and
consequently an obligation, a married lady, well ed-
ucated, will disregard it if circumstances prevent
her being able, without trouble, to find a conduc-
tor.
Accompanying Visitors.
If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you
must excuse yourself politely for giving him so much
trouble but finish, however, by accepting. On arriv-
ing at your house, you should offer him your thanks.
In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will
be well to request your husband, or some one of your
relatives, to come and wait upon you; you will, in
this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely
free from that harsh criticism which is sometimes
indulged in, especially in small towns, concerning
even the most innocent acts.
Fulfilling an Engagement.
If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a
friend stops you in the street, you may, without
committing any breach of etiquette, tell him of your
appointment, and release yourself from a long talk,
STREET ETIQ UETTE. 121
but do so in a courteous manner, expressing regret
for the necessity.
Conduct while Shopping.
In inquiring for goods at a store, do not say, I
want so and so, but say to the clerk — show me such
or such an article, if you please — or use some other
polite form of address. If you are obliged to exam-
ine a number of articles before you are suited, apol-
ogize to him for the trouble you give him. If, after
all, you cannot suit yourself, renew your apologies
when you go away, If you make only small pur-
chases, say to him — I am sorry for having troubled
you for so trifling a thing.
Taking off Your Glove.
You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake
hands with a lady or gentleman. If it is warm
weather it is more agreeable to both parties that the
glove should be on — especially if it is a lady with
whom you shake hands, as the perspiration of your
bare hand would be very likely to soil her glove.
Asking Information.
If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on
the street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it re-
spectfully, as he replies. If he cannot give the in-
formation required, he will express his regrets.
122 STREET ETIQ UETTE.
Crossing a Muddy Street.
When tripping over the pavement, a lady should
gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle.
With her right hand she should hold together the
folds of her gown and draw them toward the right
side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both
hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be
tolerated only for a moment when the mud is very
deep.
Expensive Dresses in the Street.
Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich
and expensive dresses in the street. Some, indeed,
will sweep the side-walks with costly stuffs only fit
for a drawing-room or a carriage. This is in bad
taste, and is what ill-natured people would term snob-
bish.
Carriage of a Lady in Public.
A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing
and hearing nothing that she ought not to see and
hear, recognizing acquaintances with a courteous
bow and friends with words of greeting. She is al-
ways unobtrusive. She never talks loudly or laughs
boisterously, or does anything to attract the atten-
tion of the passers by. She simply goes about her
business in her own quiet, lady-like way, and by her
preoccupation is secure from all the annoyance to
which a person of less perfect breeding might be
subjected.
STREET ETIQUETTE. . 123
Forming Acquaintances in Public.
A lady, be she young or old, never forms an ac-
quaintance upon the streets or seeks to attract the
attention or admiration of persons of the other sex.
To do so would render false her claims to ladyhoodr
if it did not make her liable to far graver charges.
Demanding Attentions.
A lady never demands attentions and favors from
a gentleman, but alwaj^s accepts them gratefully and
graciously and with expressed thanks.
Meeting a Lady Acquaintance.
A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the
street, should not presume to join her in her walk
without ascertaining that his company would be en-
tirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she
should frankly say so. A married lady usually leans
upon the arm of her husband; but single ladies do
not, in the day, take the arm of a gentleman, unless
they are willing to acknowledge an engagement.
Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentle-
men accompanying ladies, in crossing the street.
Stopping a Lady on the Street.
If you have anything to say to a lady whom you
may happen to meet in the street, however intimate
you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and
walk in company; you can taif s leave at the end of
the street.
124 STREET ETIQ UETTE.
Passing Acquaintances.
When you are passing in the street, and see com-
ing toward you a person of your acquaintance wheth-
er a lady or an elderly person, you should offer them
the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If
a carriage should happen to stop in such a manner
as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the
houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the
passengers, with a view to get by more expeditious-
ly; wait your turn, and if any of the persons before
mentioned come up, you should edge up to the wall
in order to give them the place. They also, as they
pass, should bow politely to you.
Crowding Before Another.
If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a
plank across the gutters, which has become suddenly
filled with water, it is not proper to crowd before
another, in order to pass over the frail bridge.
Giving the Arm.
In walking with a lady, it is customary to give
her the right arm; but where circumstances render
it more convenient to give her the left, it may prop-
erly be done. If you are walking with a lady on a
crowded street, like State or Madison, by all means
give her the outside, as that will prevent her from
being perpetually jostled and run against by the hur-
rying crowd.
STREET ETIQ UETTE. 125
When to offer Your Arm.
You should offer your arm to a lady with whom
you are walking whenever her safety, comfort, or
convenience may seem to require such attention on
your part. At night your arm should always be ten-
dered, and also when ascending the steps of a pub-
lic building. In walking with any person you
should keep step with military precision, and with
ladies and elderly people you should always accom-
modate your speed to theirs.
Returning a Salute.
If a lady with whom you are walking receives the
salute of a person who is a stranger to you, you
should return it, not for yourself, but for her.
Passing Before a Lady.
When a lady whom you accompany wishes to en-
ter a store, you should hold the door open and al-
low her to enter first, if practicable; for you must
never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid
it, or without an apology
Corner Loafers.
No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels,
nor on the corners of the street, gazing impertinent
ly at the ladies as they pass. That is such an un-
mistakable sign of a loafer, that one can hardly im-
agine a well-bred man doing such a thing.
126 STREET ETIQ UETTE.
Shouting.
Never speak to your acquaintances from one side
of the street to the other. Shouting is a certain sign
of vulgarity. First approach, and then make your
communication to your acquaintance or friend in a
moderately loud tone of voice.
Gentlemen Walking with a Lady.
When two gentlemen are walking with a lady in
the street, they should not be both upon the same
side of her, but one of them should walk upon the
outside and the other upon the inside.
Crossing the Street with a Lady.
If you are walking with a woman who has your
arm, and you cross the street, it is better not to dis-
engage your arm, and go round upon the outside.
Such effort evinces a palpable attention to form, and
that is always to be avoided.
General Rules.
A lady should never take the arms of two men,
one being upon either side; nor should a man carry
a woman upon each arm. The latter of these in-
iquities is practiced only in Ireland; the former
perhaps in Kamtskatcha. There are, to be sure,
some cases in which it is necessary for the protection
of the women; that they should both take his arm,
as in coming home from a concert, or in passing, on
-any occasion, through a crowd.
STREET ETIQUETTE. 127
Passing Through a Crowd.
In walking in the street with a woman, if at any-
place, by reason of the crowd, or from other cause
you are compelled to proceed singly, you should al-
ways precede your companion.
In passing a lady in the street, who is accompan-
ied by a gentleman on the outside, there is the same
reason for your taking the inside that there would
be for you to walk on that side if you were with
them. You should take that side, then, unless you
would pay the gentleman, if he were alone, the com-
pliment of giving him the wall.
Saluting a Lady.
When you salute a lady or a gentleman to whom
you. wish to show particular respect, in the street, you
should take your hat entirely off and cause it to de-
scribe a circle of at least ninety degrees from its or-
iginal resting place.
Ascending a Mountain.
If you are walking with a woman in the country,
— ascending a mountain or strolling by the bank of
a river, — and your companion being fatigued, should
choose to sit upon the ground, on no account allow
yourself to do the same, but remain rigorously stand-
ing. To do otherwise would be flagrantly indecorous
and she would probably resent it as the greatest in-
sult.
128 STREET ETIQ UETTE.
. In mounting a pair of stairs in company with a
woman, run up before her; in coming down, walk
behind her.
Meeting on ^he Street.
If, in walking, you meet a friend, accompanied
by one whom you do not know, speak to both. Al-
so, if you are walking with a friend who speaks to a
friend whom you are not acquainted with, you should
speak to the person ; and with as much respect and
ease as if you knew the party. If you meet a man
whom you have met frequently before, who' knows
your name, and whose name you know, it is polite
to salute him.
Intrusive Inquiries on Meeting.
If you meet or join or are visited by a person who
has a book or box, or any article whatever, under his
arm or in his hand, and he does not offer to show it
to you, you should not, even if he be your most in-
timate friend, take it from him and look at it. There
may be many reasons why he would not like you to
see it, or be obliged to answer the inquiries or give
the explanations connected with it. That intrusive
curiosity is very inconsistent with the delicacy of a
well-bred man, and always offends in some degree.
Smoking while Walking.
In walking with a lady, never permit her to en-
cumber herself with a book, parcel, or anything of
STREET ETIQ UETTE. 129
that kind, but always offer to carry it. As to smok-
ing, it certainly is not gentlemanly to smoke while
walking with ladies ; but modern notions on the to-
bacco question are growing very lax, and when by
the seaside or in the country, or in any but fashion-
able quarters, if your fair companion does not ob-
ject to a cigar, never a pipe, you will not comprom-
ise yourself very much by smoking one.
Taking off Your Hat.
If there is any man whom you wish to conciliate,
you should make a point of taking off your hat to
him as often as you meet him. People are always
gratified by respect, and they generally conceive a
good opinion of the understanding of one who ap-
preciates their excellence so much as to respect it.
Such is the irresistible effect of an habitual display
of this kind of manner, that perseverance in it will
often conquer enmity and obliterate contempt.
CHAPTER X.
BIDING AND DRIVING.
THE very delightful recreation and exercise of
riding on horseback is too little partaken of
in these days of fast locomotion. This is to be re-
gretted, for nothing is better calculated to develop
the physical health and animal spirits, nothing is
more conducive to pleasure of a rational character
than the ride on horseback upon every pleasant day.
Etiquette of Riding.
The etiquette of riding is very exact and import-
ant. Remember that your left when in the saddle
is called the near side, and your right the off side,
and that you always mount on the near side. In do-
ing this put your left foot in the stirrup, your left
hand on the saddle, then, as you take a spring,
throw your right leg over the animal's back. Re-
member, also, that the rule of the road, both in rid-
ing and driving, is, that you keep to the left, or near
side in meeting; and to the right, or off side in pass-
ing.
BIDING AND DRIVING. 131
Hiding in Public.
Never appear in public on horseback unless you
have mastered the inelegancies attending a first ap-
pearance in the saddle. A novice makes an exhibi-
tion of himself, and brings ridicule on his friends.
Having got a "seat" by a little practice, bear in
mind the advice conveyed in the old rhyme —
"Keep up your head and your heart,"
Your hands and your heels keep down.
Press your knees close to your horse's sides.
And your elbows close to your own."
This may be called the whole art of riding, in one
Riding with Ladies.
In riding with ladies, recollect that it is your duty
to see them in their saddles before you mount. And
the assistance they require must not be rendered by
a groom; you must assist them yourself.
Assisting a Lady to Mount.
The lady will place herself on the near side of the
horse, her skirt gathered up in her left hand, her
right hand on the pommel, keeping her face towards
the horse's head. You stand at his shoulder, facing
her, and stooping hold your hand so that she may
place her left foot in it; then lift it as she springs,
so as to aid her, but not to give such an impetus
that, like "vaulting ambition," she looses her balance
132 RIDING AND DRIVING.
and "falls o' the other side." Next, put her foot in
the stirrup, and smooth the skirt of her habit. Then
you are at liberty to mount yourself.
Pace in Riding.
The lady must always decide upon the pace. It
is ungenerous to urge her or incite her horse to a
faster gait than she feels competent to undertake.
Keep to the right of the lady or ladies riding with
you.
Open all gates and pay all tolls on the road.
Meeting Friends on Horseback.
If you meet friends on horseback do not turn back
with them; if you overtake them do not thrust your
company on them unless you feel assured that it is
agreeable to them for you to do so.
Meeting a Lady.
If, when riding out, you meet a lady with whom
you are acquainted, you may bow and ride on ; but
you cannot with propriety carry on a conversation
with her while you retain your seat on horseback. If
very anxious to talk to her, it will be your duty to
alight, and to lead your horse.
Assisting a Lady to Alight from a Horse
After the ride the gentleman must assist his com-
panion to alight. She must first free her knee from
the pommel and be certain that her habit is entirely
BIDING AND DRIVING. 133
disengaged. He must then take her left hand in his
right and offer his left hand as a step for her foot.
He must lower this hand gently and allow her to
reach the ground quietly without springing. A lady
should not attempt to spring from the saddle.
Entering a Carriage.
If you enter a carriage with a lady, let her first
take her place on the seat facing the horses ; then
sit opposite, and on no account beside her, unless
you are her husband or other near relative. Enter
a carriage so that your back is towards the seat you
are to occupy; you will thus avoid turning round
in the carriage, which is awkward. Take care that
you do not trample on the ladies' dresses, or shut
them in as you close the door.
Alighting from a Carriage.
The rule in all cases is this: You quit the car-
riage first and hand the lady out.
It is quite an art to decend from a carriage prop-
erly. More attention is paid to this matter in Eng-
land than in America. We are told an anecdote by
M. Mercy d'Argenteau illustrative of the importance
of this. He says: "The princess of Hesse-Darm-
stadt, having been desired by the empress of Austria
to bring her three daughters to court in order that
Her Imperial Majesty might choose one of them for
a wife to one of her sons, drove up in her coach to
the palace gate. Scarcely had they entered her pres-
BIDING AND DRIVING
ence when, before even speaking to them, the em-
press went up to the second daughter, and taking
her by the hand said,
" 'I choose this young lady/
"The mother, astonished at the suddenness of her
choice, inquired what had actuated her.
" 'I watched the young ladies get out of their car-
riage/ said the empress. 'Your eldest daughter
stepped on her dress, and only saved herself from
falling by an awkward scramble. The youngest
jumped from the coach to the ground without touch-
ing the steps. The second, just lifting her dress in
front as she decended, so as to show the point of her
shoe, calmly stepped from the carriage to the ground
neither hurriedly nor stiffly, but with grace and dig-
nity. She is fit to be an empress. The eldest sist-
er is too awkward, the youngest too wild.
If you are driving in company with another who
holds the reins, you should most carefully abstain
from even the slightest interference, by word or act,
with the province of the driver. Any comment, ad-
vice, or gesture of control, implies a reproof which
is very offensive. If there be any point of immi-
nent danger, where you think his conduct wrong,
you may suggest a change, but it must be done with
great delicacy and must be prefaced by an apology.
During the ordinary course of the drive, you should
resign yourself wholly to his control, and be entire-
ly passive.
BIDING AND DRIVING 135
If you do not approve of his manner, or have not
confidence in his skill, you need not drive with him
again; but while you are with him, you should
yield implicitly.
Assisting a Lady into a Carriage.
A gentleman in assisting a lady into a carriage
will take care that the skirt of her dress is not al
lowed to hang outside. It is best to have a car-
riage-robe to protect it entirely from the mud or
dust of the road. He should provide her with her
parasol, fan and shawl before he seats himself, and
make certain that she is in every way comfortable.
If a lady has occasion to leave the carriage before
the gentleman accompanying her, he must alight to
assist her out ; and if she wishes to resume her seat
in the carriage, he must again alight to help her to
do so.
CHAPTER XI.
TBA VELING.
AS a general rule, travelers are selfish. They
pay little attention either to the comforts or
distresses of their fellow travelers ; and the common-
est observances of politeness are often sadly neglect-
ed by them. In the scramble for tickets, for seats,
for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, the
courtesies of life seem to be trampled under foot.
Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and
shamefully neglected in the headlong rush for de
sirable seats in the railway cars. To see the behav-
ior of American people on their travels, one would
suppose that we were anything but a refined nation;
and I have often wondered whether a majority of
our travelers could really make a decent appearance
in social society.
A Lady Traveling Alone.
A lady accustomed to traveling, if she pays prop-
er attention to the rules of etiquette, may travel
TRAVELING. 137
alone anywhere in the United States with perfect
safety and propriety.
But there are many ladies to whom all the ways
of travel are unknown, and to such, an escort is very
acceptable. When a gentleman has a lady put in
his charge for a journey, he should be at the depot
in ample time to procure her ticket and see that her
baggage is properly checked.
On Arrival op the Train.
On the arrival of the train, he should attend her
to the car and secure the best possible seat for her.
He should give her the choice of taking the outside
or window seat, should stow away her packages in
the proper receptacle, and then do all he can to make
her journey a pleasant one.
Arriving at Destination.
Arrived at their destination, he should see her
safely in a car or carriage, or at least conduct her to
the ladies' room of the station, before he goes to see
about the baggage. He should attend her to the
door or deliver her into the charge of friends before
he relaxes his care. He should call upon her the
following day to see how she has withstood the fa-
tigues of her journey. It is optional with her at
this time whether she will receive him, and thus
prolong the acquaintance, or not. However it is
scarcely supposed that a lady of really good breed-
ing would refuse further recognition to one from
138 TRAVELING.
whom she had accepted such services. If the gen-
tleman is really unworthy of her regard, it would
have been in better taste to have recognized the fact
at first by declining his escort.
Rushing for Ticket Office.
When you are traveling, it is no excuse that be-
cause others outrage decency and propriety you
should follow their example, and fight them with
their own weapons. A rush and scramble at the
railway ticket office is always unnecessary. The
cars will not leave until every passenger is aboard,
and if you have ladies with you, you can easily se-
cure your seats and afterward procure the tickets at
leisure. But suppose you do lose a favorite seat by
your moderation ! Is it not better to suffer a little
inconvenience than to show yourself decidedly vul-
gar ? Go to the cars half an hour before they start,
and you will avoid all trouble of this kind.
Personal Comfort.
When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars
never allow considerations of personal comfort or
convenience to cause you to disregard the rights of
fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy due
to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable
seats belong to the ladies, and you should never re-
fuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful po-
liteness. . Sometimes a gentleman will go through a
car and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it to
TRAVELING. 139
procure his ticket, leaving his overcoat or carpet bag
to show that the seat is taken. Always respect this
token, and never seize upon a seat thus secured,
without leave, even though you may want it for a
lady.
A Lady Traveling Alone.
A lady, in traveling alone, may accept services
from her fellow-travelers, which she should always
acknowledge graciously. Indeed, it is the business
of a gentleman to see that the wants of an unescort-
ed lady are attended to. He should offer to raise or
lower her window if she seems to have any difficul-
ty in doing it for herself. He may offer his assist-
ance in carrying her packages upon leaving the car,
or in engaging a carriage or obtaining a trunk.
Still, women should learn to be as self-reliant as pos-
sible; and young women particularly should accept
proffered assistance from strangers, in all but the
slightest offices, very rarely.
Rushing for the Table.
In steamers do not make a rush for the supper
table, or make a glutton of yourself when you get
there. Never fail to offer your seat on deck to a la-
dy, if the seats all appear to be occupied, and al-
ways meet half way any fellow-passenger who wish-
es to enter into conversation with you. Some trav-
elers are so exclusive that they consider it a pre-
sumption on the part of a stranger to address them;
140 TEA VELING.
but such people are generally foolish, and of no ac-
count.
Social Intercourse while Traveling.
Sociable intercourse while traveling is one of its
main attractions. Who would care about sitting and
moping for a dozen of hours on board a steamer
without exchanging a word with anybody? and this
must be the fate of the exclusives when they travel
alone. Even ladies who run greater risks in form-
ing steamboat acquaintances than the men, are al-
lowed the greatest privileges in that respect. It
might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a
speaking acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may
address or question him for the time being without
impropriety.
Occupying too Many Seats.
No lady of genuine breeding will retain posses-
sion of more than her rightful seat in a crowded
car. When others are looking for accommodations,
she should at once and with all cheerfulness so dis-
pose of her baggage that the seat beside her will
be at liberty for any one who desires it, no mat-
ter how agreeable it might be to retain possession
of it.
There is no truer sign of want of proper manners
than to see two ladies turn over the seat in front of
them and fill it with their wraps and bundles, re-
taining it in spite of the entreating or remonstrating
TBA VELING. 141
looks of fellow-passengers. In such a case as this
any person who needs a seat is justified in reversing
the back, removing the baggage and taking posses-
sion of the unused place.
Ketaining a Seat.
A gentleman in traveling may take possession of
a seat and then go to purchase tickets or look after
baggage, leaving the seat in charge of a companion
or depositing traveling-bag or overcoat upon it to
show that it is engaged. A gentleman cannot, how-
ever, in justice, vacate his seat to take another in the
smoking-car and at the same time reserve his rights
to the first seat. He pays for but one seat, and by
taking another he forfeits the first.
It is not required of a gentleman in a railway car
to relinquish his seat in favor of a lady, though a
gentleman of genuine breeding will do so rather
than allow the lady to stand or to suffer inconven-
ience from poor accommodations.
Etiquette of Street Cars.
In the street cars the case is different. No wom-
an should be permitted to stand while there is a
seat occupied by a man. The inconvenience to the
man will be temporary and trifling at the most, and
he can well afford to suffer it rather than do an un-
courteous act.
Etiquette of Ferry-boats.
There is a place where the good manners of men
142 TBA VELING.
seem sometimes to forsake them — in the ladies' sa-
loon of ferry-boats. The men reign paramount in
their own saloon. No woman dares intrude there,
still less deprive its rightful occupants of their seats.
Yet many men, without even the excuse of being es-
corts of women, prefering the purer natural and
moral atmosphere of the ladies' saloon, take posses-
sion and seat themselves, notwithstanding, women
have to stand in consequence. This is not a matter
of politeness alone; it is one of simple justice. The
ladies' saloon is for the accommodation of ladies,
and no gentleman has the right to occupy a seat so
long as a lady is unprovided.
Checking Familiarity.
It is impossible to dwell too strongly upon the
importance of reserve and discretion on the part of
ladies traveling alone. They may, as has been al-
ready said, accept slight services courteously proffered
by strangers, but any attempt at familiarity must be
checked, and this with all the less hesitation that no
gentleman will be guilty of such familiarity; and a
lady wants only gentlemen for her acquaintances.
Once, when traveling from Chicago to Toledo,
there were upon the same train with ourselves a
young lady and gentleman who were soon the ob-
served of all observers. He was a commercial
traveler of some sort, and she probably just from
boarding-school. They were total strangers to each
other as they both entered the car at Chicago. The
TEA VELING. 143
acquaintance begun soon after starting. By the time
La Porte was reached he had taken his seat beside
her. At Elkhart the personal history of each was
known to the other. The gentleman here invited
the lady to supper and paid her bill. Shortly after-
ward photographs were exchanged, they had written
confidentially in each other's note-books, and had
promised to correspond. All this passed between
them in tones so loud and with actions so obtrusive
that they attracted the notice of every one in the
car, and many were the comments upon them. As
daylight waned she sunk upon his shoulder to sleep
while he threw his arm around her to support her.
If they had announced their engagement and in-
quired for a clergyman upon the train to marry
them upon their arrival at Toledo, no one would
have been really surprised. She was a foolish girl,
yet old enough to have known better. He must
have been a villain thus to take advantage of her
silliness.
Still, if the journey is long, and especially if it be
by steamboat, a certain sociability is in order, and a
married lady or lady of middle age should make
good use of her privileges in this respect.
Duty of Ladies to other Ladies in Traveling.
It is especially the duty of ladies to look after
other ladies younger or less experienced than them-
selves who may be traveling without escort, To
watch these and see that they are not made the
144 TBA VELINQ,
dupes of villains, and to pass a pleasant word with
others who may possibly feel the loneliness of their
situation, should be the especial charge of every lady
of experience. Such a one may often have the
privilege of rendering another lady an important
service in giving her information or advice, or even
assistance. Every lady of experience and self-pos-
session should feel her duties to be only less than
those of a gentleman in showing favors to the more
helpless and less experienced of her own sex.
The friendship which has subsisted between trav-
elers terminates with the journey. When you get
out, a word, a bow, and the acquaintance formed
is finished and forgotten.
Consulting the Comfort of Others.
In the cars you have no right to keep a window
open for your accommodation, if the current of air
thus produced annoys or endangers the health of
another. There are a sufficient number of discom-
forts in traveling, at best, and it should be the aim
of each passenger to lessen them as much as possi-
ble, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a
journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.
Attending to the Wants of Others.
See everywhere and at all times that ladies and
elderly people have their wants supplied before you
think of your own. Nor is there need for unmanly
haste and pushing in entering or leaving cars or
TBA VELING. 145
boats. There is always time enough allowed for
each passenger to enter in a gentlemanly manner
and with a due regard to the rights of others.
If, in riding in the street cars or crossing a ferry,
your friend insists upon paying for you, permit him
to do so without serious remonstrance. You can
return the favor at some other time.
Selfishness op Ladies.
Ladies in traveling should scrupulously avoid
monopolizing, to the exclusion of others, whatever
conveniences are provided for their use. Mr. Pull-
man, the inventor of the palace car, was asked why
there were not locks or bolts upon the ladies' dress-
ing-rooms. He replied that "if these where furnish-
ed, but two or three ladies in a sleeping car would
be able to avail themselves of the conveniences, for
these would lock themselves in and perform their
toiletts at their leisure.
This sounds like satire upon our American ladies,
but we fear it is true.
CHAPTER XII.
ETIQUETTE OF PUBLIC PLACES.
IN public places the perfect lady and gentleman
are always polite, considerate of the comfort and
wishes of others and unobtrusive in their behavior.
Under the same circumstances sham gentility is
boisterous, rude, vulgar and selfish.
Church Etiquette.
One should preserve the utmost silence and de-
corum in church.
There should be no haste in passing up or down
the aisle.
A gentleman should remove his hat as soon as he
enters.
A gentleman and lady should pass up the aisle
together until the pew is reached, when the former
should step before the latter, open the pew door,
holding it open while she enters, then follow her
and close the door after him.
There should be no whispering, laughing or star-
ing.
JETIQ UETTE OF PUBLIC PL A CES. 147
If a stranger is seen to enter the church and the
sexton does not at once provide him with a seat, the
pew door should be opened and the stranger silently
invited to enter.
It is courteous to see that strangers are provided
with books; and if the service is strange to them,
the places for the day's reading should be indi-
cated.
It is perfectly proper to offer to share the prayer
or hymn book with a stranger if there is no sepa-
rate book for his use.
If books or fans are passed in church, let them be
offered and accepted or refused with a silent gesture
of acceptance or refusal.
Upon entering a strange church it is best to wait
until the sexton conducts you to a seat. By no
means enter an occupied pew uninvited.
In visiting a church of a different belief from
your own, pay the utmost respect to the services and
conform in all things to the observances of the
church — that is, kneel, sit and rise with the congre-
gation. No matter how grotesquely some of the
forms and observances may strike you, let no smile
or contemptuous remark indicate the fact while in
the church.
If a Protestant gentleman accompanies a lady who
is a Roman Catholic to her own church, it is an act
of courtesy to offer the holy water. This he must
do with his ungloved right hand.
When the services are concluded, there should be
148 ETIQ UETTE OF P UBLIG PL A CES.
no haste in crowding up the aisle, but the departure
should be conducted quietly and in order. "When
the vestibule is reached, it is allowable to exchange
greetings with friends, but here there should be no
loud talking nor boisterous laughter. Neither should
gentlemen congregate in knots in the vestibule or
upon the steps of the church and compel ladies to
run the gauntlet of their eyes and tongues.
Never be late to church. It is a decided mark of
ill-breeding.
In visiting a church for the mere purpose of see-
ing the edifice, one should always go at a time when
there are no services being held. If people are even
then found at their devotions, as is apt to be the case
in Roman Catholic churches especially, the demea-
nor of the visitor should be respectful and subdu-
ed and his voice low, so that he may not disturb
them.
Visiting an Artist.
Upon visiting an artist's studio, by no means med-
dle with anything in the room. Reverse no picture
which hangs or stands with face to the wall; open
no portfolio without permission, and do not alter by
a single touch any lay-figure or its drapery, piece
of furniture or article of vertu posed as a model.
You do not know with what care the artist may
have arranged these things, nor what trouble the
disarrangement may cost him.
It is not proper to visit the studio of an artist ex-
ETIQ UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES 149
cept by special invitation or permission and at an
appointed time, for you cannot appreciate how much
you may disturb him at his work. The hours of
daylight are all golden to him; and steadiness of
hand in manipulating a pencil is sometimes only ac-
quired each day after hours of practice, and may be
instantly lost on the irruption and consequent in-
terruption of visitors.
Use no strong expression of either delight or dis
approbation at anything presented for your inspec-
tion. If a picture or a statue please you, show your
approval and appreciation by close attention and a
few quiet, well-chosen words, rather than by extrav-
agant praise.
Do not ask the artist his prices unless you really
intend to become a purchaser; and in this case it is
best to attentively observe his works, make your
choice, and trust the negotiation to a third person
or to a written correspondence with the artist after
the visit is concluded. You may express your de-
sire for the work and obtain the refusal of it from
the artist. If you desire to conclude the bargain at
once and ask his price, and he names a higher one
than you desire to give, you may say as much and
mention the sum you are willing to pay, when it
will be optional with the artist to maintain his first
price or accept your offer.
Never take a young child to a studio, for it may
do much mischief in spite of the most careful watch-
ing. At any rate, the juvenile visitor will try the
150 ETIQ UETTE OF PUBLIC PL A CES.
artist's temper and nerves by keeping him in a
state of constant apprehension.
If you have engaged to sit for your portrait, nev-
er keep the artist waiting one moment beyond the
appointed time. If you do so, you should in justice
pay for the time you make him lose.
A visitor should never stand behind an artist and
watch him at his work; for if he be a man of ner-
vous temperament, it will be likely to disturb him
greatly.
Conduct in Picture-galleries.
In visiting picture-galleries one should always
maintain the deportment of a gentleman or lady.
Make no loud comments, and do not seek to show
superior knowledge in art matters by gratuitous crit-
icism. Ten to one, if you have not an art education
you will only be giving publicity to your own ig-
norance.
Do not stand in conversation before a picture, and
thus obstruct the view of others wTho wish to see
rather than talk. If you wish to converse with any
one on general subjects, draw to one side out of the
way of those who wish to look at the pictures.
Invitation to Opera or Concert.
A gentleman upon inviting a lady to accompany
him to opera, theatre, concert or other public place
of amusement must send his invitation the previous
day and wrrite it in the third person. The lady must
ETIQ UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES. 151
reply immediately, so that if she declines there will
yet be time for the gentleman to secure another com-
panion.
It is the gentleman's duty to secure good seats for
the entertainment, or else he or his companion may
be obliged to take up with seats where they can
neither see nor hear.
Conduct in Opera, Theatre or Public Hall.
On entering the hall, theatre or opera-house the
gentleman should walk side by side with his com-
panion unless the aisle is too narrow, in which case
he should precede her. Reaching the seats, he
should allow her to take the inner one,assuming the
outer one himself.
A gentleman should on no account leave the lady's
side from the beginning to the close of the perform-
ance.
If it is a promenade concert or opera, the lady
may be invited to promenade during the intermis-
sion. If she decline, the gentleman must retain his
position by Jher side.
The custom of going out alone between the acts
to visit the refreshment-room cannot be too strongly
reprehended. It is little less than an insult to the
lady.
There is no obligation whatever upon a gentleman
to give up his seat to a lady. On the contrary, his
duty is solely to the lady whom he accompanies. He
must remain beside her during the evening to con-
152 ETIQ UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES.
verse with her between the acts and to render her
assistance in case of accident or disturbance.
It is proper and desirable that the actors be ap-
plauded when they deserve it. It is their only
means of knowing whether they are giving satisfac-
tion.
During the performance complete quiet should be
preserved, that the audience may not be prevented
seeing or hearing. Between the acts it is perfectly
proper to converse, but it should be in a low tone, so
as not to attract attention. Neither should one
whisper. There should be no loud talking, boister-
ous laughter, violent gestures, lover-like demonstra-
tions or anything in manners or speech to attract
the attention of others.
The gentleman should see that the lady is pro-
vided with programme, and with libretto also if they
are attending opera.
The gentleman should ask permission to call upon
the lady on the following day, which permission she
should grant; and if she be a person of delicacy and
tact, she will make him feel that he has conferred a
real pleasure upon her by his invitation. Even if
she finds occasion for criticism in the performance,
she should be lenient in this respect and seek for
points to praise instead, that he may not feel regret
at taking her to an entertainment which has proved
unworthy.
If the means of the gentleman warrant him in so
doing, he should call for his companion in a car-
ETiq UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES 153
riage. This is especially necessary if the evening
is stormy. He should call sufficiently early to allow
them to reach their destination before the perform-
ance commences. It is unjust to the whole audience
to come in late and make a disturbance in obtain-
ing seats.
In passing out at the close of the performance the
gentleman should precede the lady, and there should
be no crowding and pushing.
Church or Fancy Fairs.
In visiting a fancy fair make no comments on
either the articles or their price unless you can praise.
Do not haggle over them. Pay the price demanded
or let them alone. If you can conscientiously praise
an article, by all means do so, as you may be giving
pleasure to the maker if she chances to be within
hearing.
Be guilty of no loud talking or laughing, and
by all means avoid conspicuous flirting in so public
a place.
As, according to the general rules of politeness, a
gentleman must always remove his hat in the pres-
ence of ladies, so he should remain with head un-
covered, carrying his hat in his hand, in a public
place of this character.
If you have a table at a fair, use no unlady like
means to obtain buyers. Let a negative suffice.
Not even the demands of charity can justify you in
importuning others to purchase articles against their
154 ETIQ UETTE OF PUBLIC PL A CES.
own judgment or beyond their means to purchase.
Never be so grossly ill-bred as to retain the
change if a larger amount is presented than the
price. Offer the change promptly, when the gentle-
man will be at liberty to donate it if he thinks best,
and you may accept it with thanks. He is, howev-
er, under no obligation whatever to make such do-
nation.
Picnics.
In giving a picnic, the great thing to remember is
to be sure and have enough to eat and drink. Al-
ways provide for the largest possible number of
guests that may by any chance come.
Send out your invitations three weeks beforehand,
in order that you may be enabled to fill up your list,
if you have many refusals.
Always transport your guests to the scene of ac-
tion in covered carriages, or carriages that are ca-
pable of being covered, in order that you may be
provided against rain, which is proverbial on such
occasions.
Send a separate conveyance containing the provi-
sions, in charge of two or three servants — not too
many, as half the fun is lost if the gentlemen do not
officiate as amateur waiters.
The above rules apply to picnics which are given
by one person, and to which invitations are sent out
just the same as to an ordinary ball or dinner party.
But there are picnics and picnics as the French say.
JEJTIQ UETTE OF PUBLIC PL A CES 155
Let us treat of the picnic, in which a lot of people
join together for the purpose of a day's ruralizing.
In this case, it is usual for the ladies to contribute
the viands. The gentlemen should provide and su-
perintend all the arrangements for the conveyance
of the guests to and from the scene of festivity.
How to Dress.
Great latitude in dress is allowed on these occa-
sions. The ladies all come in morning dresses and
hats; the gentlemen in light coats, wide-awake hats,
caps, or straw hats. In fact, the morning dress of
the seaside is quite de rigueur at a picnic. After din-
ner it is usual to pass the time in singing, or if there
happens to be an orchestra of any kind, in dancing.
This is varied by games of all kinds, croquet, &c.
Frequently after this the company breaks up into
little knots and coteries, each having its own centre
of amusement.
Duties op Gentlemen.
Each gentleman should endeavor to do his ut-
most to be amusing on these occasions. If he has a
musical instrument, and can play it, let him bring
it — for instance, a cornet, which is barely tolerated
in a private drawing-room, is a great boon, when
well played at a picnic. On these occasions a large
bell or gong should be taken, in order to summon
the guests when required; and the guests should be
careful to attend to the call at once, for many a
156 ETIQ UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES.
pleasant party of this kind has been spoiled by a
few selfish people keeping out of the way when
wanted.
Committee of Arrangements.
Finally, it would be well on these occasions to have
each department vested in the hands of one respon-
sible person, in order that when we begin dinner we
should not find a heap of forks but no knives, beef,
but no mustard, lobster and lettuces but no salad-
dressing, veal-and-ham, pies but no bread, and near-
ly fifty other such contretemps, which are sure to
come about unless the matter is properly looked
after and organized.
Boating.
The reader may doubtless be surprised that we
should treat of etiquette when speaking of boating,
still there are little customs and usages of politeness
to be observed even in the roughest sports in which
a gentleman takes part.
Never think of venturing out with ladies alone,
unless you are perfectly conversant with the man-
agement of a boat, and, above all, never overload
your boat. There have been more accidents caused
by the neglect of these two rules than can be im-
agined.
If two are going out with ladies, let one take his
stand in the the boat and conduct the ladies to their
seats, while one assists them to step from the bank.
ETIQ VETTE OF P UBLIO PL A CES. 157
Let the ladies be comfortably seated, and their dress-
es arranged before starting. Be careful that you do
not splash them, either on first putting the oar into
the water or subsequently.
If a friend is with you and going to row, always
ask him which seat he prefers, and do not forget to
ask him to row "stroke," which is always the seat of
honor in the boat.
Rowing.
If you cannot row, do not scruple to say so, as then
you can take your seat by the side of the ladies, and
entertain them by your conversation, which is much
better than spoiling your own pleasure and that of
others by attempting what you know you cannot
perform.
The usual costume of gentlemen is white flannel
trousers, white rowing jersey, and a straw hat. Pea-
jackets are worn when their owners are not absolute-
ly employed in rowing.
Ladies Rowing.
Of late years ladies have taken very much to
rowing; this can be easily managed in a quiet river
or private pond, but it is scarcely to be attempted
in the more crowded and public parts of our rivers
— at any rate, unless superintended by gentlemen.
In moderation, it is a capital exercise for ladies;
but when they attempt it they should bear in mind
that they should assume a dress proper for the oc
158 El iq UETTE OF P UBLIC PL A CES.
casion. They should leave their crinoline at home,
and wear a skirt barely touching the ground; they
should also assume flannel Garibaldi shirts and little
sailor hats — add to these a good pair of stout boots,
and the equipment is complete. We should observe
however, that it is impossible for any lady to row
with comfort or grace if she laces tightly.
CHAPTER XIII.
LETTER WRITING.
LETTER-WRITING is a delightful art, and
one not hard to be acquired. To write a good
letter doubtless requires some experience; to write
one which is marked by originality and beauty re-
quires, in some degree, a peculiar talent. But, al-
most any person of ordinary intelligence can learn
how to express himself or herself in an acceptable
manner upon paper.
Good grammar, correct orthography, precise punc-
tuation, will not make a clever communication, if
the life and spirit of the expression are wanting ; and
life and spirit will make a good impressive epistle,
even if the rhetorical aud grammatical proprieties
are largely wanting. Some of the most charming
letters we ever saw or read were from children, who
while they tortured grammar, yet reproduced them-
selves so completely as to make it appear that they
really were chattering to us.
It is comparatively easy to compose. The secret
of it is hidden in no mystery — it is simply to converse
LETTER WHITING
on paper, instead of by word of mouth. To illus-
trate: if a person is before you, you narrate the in-
cidents of a marriage, or a death, or of any circum-
stance of interest. It is an easy and an agreeable
thing to tell the story. Now, if the person were so
deaf as not to be able to hear a word, what would
you do? Why, seize a pencil or pen and write out
just what you would have told them by words. That
very writing would be a delightful letter!
Letters of Introduction.
Letters of introduction are to be regarded as cer-
tificates of respectability, and are therefore never to
be given where you do not feel sure on this point.
To send a person of whom you know nothing into
the confidence and family of a friend, is an unpar-
donable recklessness. In England, letters of intro-
duction are called "tickets to soup," because it is gen-
erally customary to invite a gentleman to dine who
comes with a letter of introduction to you. Such is
also the practice, to some extent, in this country, but
etiquette here does not make the dinner so essential
as there.
When a gentleman, bearing a letter of introduc-
tion to you, leaves his card, you should call on him
or send a note, as early as possible. There is no
greater insult than to treat a letter of introduction
with indifference — it is a slight to the stranger as
well as to the introducer, which no subsequent at-
tentions will cancel. After you have made this call,
LETTER WRITING. 161
it is, to some extent, optional with you as to what
further attentions you shall pay the party. In this
country everybody is supposed to be very busy,
which is always a sufficient excuse for not paying
elaborate attentions to visitors. It is not demanded
that any man shall neglect his business to wait uponj
visitors or guests.
Letters of introduction should never be sealed,
and should bear upon the envelope, in the left hancf
corner, the name and address of the person intro*
duced. The following will give an idea of an ap-
propriate form for a letter of introduction:
Neenah, Wis., October 27, 18-4
" J. W. Good, Esq.,
"Dear Sir:—
"I take the liberty of introducing to you my
esteemed friend, Miss. Mary E. Edgarton, who con-
templates spending some little time in your city.
Any attentions you may find it possible to show her
during her stay, will be considered as a personal fa-
vor by Yours sincerely,
"Mrs. C. E. Johnson."
The envelope should bear the following super-
scription:
ii
162 LETTER WRITING
J-
necat
Introducing Miss Mary E. Edgarton, Neenah, Wis.
Letters op Friendship.
The style proper for letters to friends should not
be too formal; nor should it be marked by too great
familiarity, except in cases where a rare intimacy
and confidence exist. A clear, cheerfully toned epistle
— talking with dignity even when in humor, relat-
ing nothing of impropriety or of scandal, and con-
veying the very spirit of kindliness — is always a
"welcome guest," and will do to be read aloud to
others, will do to be preserved and read in after years,
will enhance your friendship and add to your satis-
faction. Therefore make it an invariable rule to
write cheerfully, honestly, and considerately — never
LETTER WRITING 163
in haste, in a spirit ef petulance or anger, or in a
sinister manner. A letter of this character should
receive an early reply, yet not too early, as that
would place the first writer too soon under obliga-
tions to write again.
The following is a suitable form for a letter of this
kind.
Dixon, 111., Feb. 10th, 18
Kespected Madam: —
I would be wanting in gratitude
did I not express to you my thanks for your excel-
lent services to me; I came here a giddy girl,
apt to be misled in many ways; but I have remem-
bered your admonitions at parting [or, have pre-
served your maxims of conduct], and I can say with
truth that they have added much to my sense
of security and to my happiness. . Thus, I never
keep the company of any stranger; I never write to
any but my own old friends; I do not go out to
evening-parties except in the company with some
member of Mrs. Smith's family; I do not walk the
streets idly, nor without purpose; I seek the society
of those older than myself, and try to learn constant-
ly from what I see and hear.
I could not have done all this, had you not so earnest-
ly impressed it upon my mind and heart by your
kind and wise remarks to me; and now, I pray you
to accept my gratitude and thanks for your influence
over me. I feel that it will be an influence for life,
164 LETTER WRITING
and may Heaven bless you, is the hearty prayer of
Your young friend,
Carrie Ford.
Another.
Laurel Hill Grove.
My own Dear Clara : —
You are married! Oh, how this
sounds! Another claims you — another has all your
first thoughts, all your warmest love and sympath-
ies; and life is no longer to you what it has been —
a sweet dream! but something real, thoughtful, earn-
est.
Dear Clara! I weep for you, because you are gone
from among us — are a girl no longer ; but I know
you are happy in your love, that you have chosen
wisely, and I have but to say, God bless you forever
and forever !
May there be few of life's storms and tempests for
you, but much of its summer of repose and sweet
content, and may he who has won your pure heart
ever be worthy of it. I congratulate you, I bless you,
I pray for you.
Your own loving friend,
Lillian.
The Family Letter.
Family correspondence is a great social privilege as
well as a great necessity. It brings together the
divided members of the household, and, for the
while, gives home a place in their hearts.
LETTER WRITING. 165
Women always write these best. They know how
to pick up those little items of interest which are,
after all, nearly the sum-total of home life, and
which, by being carefully narrated, transport, forthe
time being, the recipient back to home and home
interests.
Having furnished all the news, they should make
kind and careful inquiries concerning the feelings
and doings of the recipient; and if this recipient is
not an adept in the art of letter-writing, they may
furnish questions enough to be answered to make the
reply an easy task. They should conclude with sin-
cere expressions of affection from all the members
of the family to the absent one, a desire for his
speedy return or best welfare, and a request for an
early answer.
Parents to Children.
Where it is parents writing to children, the study
should be not to talk too wisely and seriously, but
to interest their child by touching upon those
themes best calculated to win the absent ones atten-
tion, and encourage him or her to loving thoughts
of home. Any thing in a family letter, which ex-
cites any other than loving thoughts, is greatly to
be deprecated. Many an otherwise good child has
been driven to wicked thoughts and deeds, by harsh
or unkind words from home, when kind words would
have acted as an incentive to do only what was
right and best.
166 LETTER WRITING.
Letters of Love.
The thought of them causes a thrill through the
heart: and to those who have had the blessed, bliss-
ful privilege of writing and receiving them, there
come reminiscences of associations which are in-
deed a rich inheritance.
What can we say of them? Only this: Let them
be expressive of sincere esteem, yet written in such
a style that if they should ever fall under the eye
of the outside world there will be no silliness to
blush about, nor extravagance of expression of
which to be ashamed.
Letters of love are generally preceded by some
friendly correspondence, for Cupid is a wise design-
er, and makes his approaches with wonderful cau-
tion. These premonitory symptoms of love are easily
encouraged into active symptoms, then into positive
declarations: if the loved one is willing to be wooed,
she will not fail to lead her pursuer into an ambush
of hopes and fears, which a woman knows by in-
stinct so well how to order. After the various sub-
terfuges of coy expression and half-uttered wishes,
there comes sooner or later,
Love's Declaration.
Prince street, Dec. 11th, 18 —
Dear Miss Hill: —
I am conscious that it may be
presumptuous for me to address you this note; yet
LETTER WRITING 167
feel that an honorable declaration of my feelings
toward you is due to my own heart and to my future
happiness. I first met you to admire; your beauty
and intelligence served to increase that admiration
to a feeling of personal interest; and now, I am free
to confess, your virtues and graces have inspired in
me a sentiment of love — not the sentiment which
finds its gratification in the civilities of friendly so-
cial intercourse, but which asks in return a heart
and a hand for life.
This confession I make freely and openly to you,
feeling that you will give it all the consideration
which it deserves. If I am not deceived, it can not
cause you pain; but, if any circumstance has weight
with you — any interest in another person, or any
family obstacle, forbid you to encourage my suit,
then I leave it to your candor to make such a reply
to this note as seems proper. I shall wait your an-
swer with some anxiety, and therefore hope you may
reply at your earliest convenience.
Believe me, dear lady, with feelings of true re-
gard,
Yours, most sincerely,
Harry Stover.
Answer.
Tenth street,Dec. 15th, 18—.
Harry Stover,
Dear Sir: —
Your note of the 10th reached
168 LETTER WRITING
me duly. Its tone of candor requires from me what
it would be improper to refuse — an equally candid
answer.
I sincerely admire you. Your qualities of heart
and mind have impressed me favorably, and, now
that you tell me I have won your love, I am con-
scious that I too am regarding you more highly and
tenderly than comports with a mere friend's rela-
tion.
Do not, however, give this confession too much
weight, for, after all, we may both be deceived in re-
gard to the nature of our esteem; and I should, there-
fore, suggest, for the present, the propriety of your
calling upon me at my father's house on occasional
evenings; and will let time and circumstances deter-
mine if it is best for us to assume more serious rela-
tions to one another than have heretofore existed.
I am, sir, with true esteem,
Yours, sincerely,
Ada Hill.
Now, this correspondence does not often take place
between lovers, and why? Simply because men and
women are not honest and independent enough to
talk thus to one another upon the most interesting
and important occasion of their whole lives.
Letters of Business.
Letters of business need attention in a work of
LETTER WRITING. 169
this kind, because they are those most frequently to
to be written. They should be marked, 1st; by
plainness in the penmanship; 2d, by perfect clear-
ness of meaning; 3d, they should be brief. These
virtues will insure a consideration not always ac-
corded to long illegible, and obscure communica-
tions. Let the style be marked by the utmost di-
rectness; use no flowers of speech, no metaphor, no
rhetorical graces; they are out of place. Use plain
Saxon English; say just what you ought to in order
to give your order, or to convey your wishes, then
stop.
The name should always be signed in full to a let-
ter of whatever character; and if the writer be a
married lady, she should invariably, except in the
most familiar missives, prefix "Mrs." to her name.
An elaborate or illegible signature intended to
make an impression on the beholder is exceedingly
snobbish.
Directions.
Use a commercial note, full sheet. Begin by writ-
ing your Town, County, State, and Date (month,
day, and year,) at full length, on the right, upper
part of the sheet, say the width of two lines from the
top. Then the introductory address on the left side
of the sheet, say one inch from the edge of the sheet
and one line below the post address and date. Com-
mence your communication, one line below the in-
170 LETTER WRITING.
troductory address, and directly perpendicular to its
last letter.
Order for Books.
South Bend, St. Joe Co., Ind.,
June 20, 18—
J. A. Kuth & Co.,
Dear Sirs: —
Please send me by express,
eighty-five copies of Decorum.
Enclosed, find money order, for $17 00. You
will please collect balance, on delivery of the books.
Yours truly,
S. H. Hanson.
Making Application for Employ
Gilman, 111., Nov. 10th, 18—
Sirs: —
I am desirous of pursuing a mercantile life,
and write to know if you have any place vacant for
a "new hand." I am sixteen years of age, in good
health and strength, and can produce the best of re-
commendations as to my good moral character. If
you can give me a place upon trial, I will be at
your command from this time. An answer at your
LETTER WRITING. 171
earliest convenience will much oblige,
Yours, respectfully,
0. E. Skinner.
Letter asking for a School.
To the Directors of School District 1
No. 4, Hanna Township, Boone Co., 0., /
Sirs : —
I am in search of a school for the winter, and
offer my services to you. I have taught for several
seasons, and have the reputation of being a good
teacher. Of course I have my certificate of qualifi-
cation for teaching all English branches required in
a district school. My recommendations as to good
character, I shall be pleased to submit to your in-
spection. An early answer will much oblige,
Yours, truly,
Anna Steele.
Enclosing Stamp.
Always be sure to enclose stamp for reply upon
every occasion when the business is your own, or
where a favor is asked. It is a downright insult to
ask a person to be bothered with answering your
letters and to pay his own postage for the privilege.
Letters of Invitation.
Letters of invitation are various in form, accord-
172 LETTER WRITING.
ing to the various occasions which call them forth.
An invitation to a large party or ball should read
as follows:
"Mrs. Wolf requests the pleasure of Miss Web-
sters' company at a ball on Thursday, Jan. 8, at 9
o'clock."
Invitations to a ball are always given in the name
of the lady of the house.
The letter of acceptance should be as follows:
"Miss Webster accepts with pleasure Mrs. Wolfs
kind invitation for Thursday, Jan. 8."
Or if it is impossible to attend, a note something
after the following style should be sent:
"Miss Webster regrets that [whatever may be the
preventing cause] will prevent her accepting Mrs.
Wolf's kind invitation for Jan. 8."
Invitation to a Party.
The invitation to a large party is similar to that
for a ball, only the words "at a ball" are omitted and
the hour may be earlier. The notes of acceptance
or rejection are the same as for a ball.
Such a note calls for full evening-dress. If the
party is a small one, the same should be indicated
in the note by putting in the words "to a small even-
ing-party," so that there may be no mistake in the
matter.
If there is any special feature which is to give
character to the evening, it is best to mention this
fact in the note of invitation. Thus the words "mu-
LETTER WRITING 173
sical party," "to take part in dramatic readings," "to
witness amateur theatricals," etc., should be inserted
in the note. If there are programmes for the enter-
tainment, be sure to enclose one.
Invitations to a dinner-party should be in the
name of both host and hostess:
Thus:
Mr. and Mrs. S. S. Hawkins, request the pleasure
of Mr. and Mrs. Sayles' company at dinner, on Fri-
day, Jan. 17, at — o'clock. A note of acceptance or
refusal should be at once returned.
An invitation to a tea-drinking need not be so for-
mal. It should partake more of the nature of a
friendly note, thus:
"Dear Miss Anderson: We have some friends
coming to drink tea with us to-morrow; will you
give us the pleasure of your company also? We
hope you will not disappoint us.
Mrs. Jane Jones.
Invitations should be written upon small note
paper, which may have initial or monogram stamp-
ed upon it.
All invitations should be dated at the top, with
address written legibly at the bottom.
The body of the invitation should be in the mid-
dle of the sheet, the date above, to the right, the
address below, to the left.
174 LETTER WRITING
The invitation must be sent to the private resi-
dence of the person invited, never to the place of
business.
Should an invitation be declined, some reason
must be given, the true cause — a prior engagement,
a, contemplated journey, sickness, domestic trouble,
or whatever it may be — being stated clearly and
concisely, so that the hostess shall have no possible
occasion for offence. This refusal should be dis-
patched as quickly as possible, so that the hostess
may have time to supply the vacant place.
An invitation once accepted, and an engagement
made to dinner, should be sacredly observed. Only
the most imperative necessity will justify its being
broken. And in that case the fact must be commu-
nicated directly with a full explanation to the host-
ess. If it is too late to supply your place, it may at
least be in time to prevent dinner waiting on your
account.
The style of wedding invitations differs with
changing fashions, so that there can be no impera-
tive rule laid down. The same may be said regard-
ing funerals.
General Advice to Letter Writers.
In writing it is necessary to endeavor to make our
style clear, precise, elegant, and appropriate for all
subjects. Vivacity of discourse forces us frequently
to sacrifice happy though tardy expressions, to
the necessity of avoiding hesitation; but what is
LETTER WRITING 175
thus an obstacle in speaking, does not interfere with
the use of the pen. We ought therefore, to avoid
repetitions, erasures, insertions, omissions, and con-
fusion of ideas, or labored construction. If we write
a familiar letter to an equal or a friend, these blem-
ishes may remain; if otherwise, we must commence
our letter again.
An "ornamental" handwriting is a nuisance.
What with flourishes and extraneous appendages,
the reader is continually distracted from the text to
the characters, and generally ends by wishing the
writer had used better taste in his chirography. A
master who teaches any thing but making neat,
plain handwriting, is not fit for a teacher.
In business and ceremonious letters do not write
on both sides of the page.
Be very sparing in your underlining of words.
Most letters need no italics whatever, and to empha-
size words in every line by underscoring makes the
whole letter weak, if not ridiculous.
Letters should be directed in a clear, large hand
to the person for whom they are intended. If they
are to be in the care of some one else, let that be ad-
ded after the name or in the lower left-hand corner
of the letter.
Letters are indices of the taste as well as of the
mind of the writer. They express his thoughts and
his feelings, their manner almost invariably marks
the spirit and temper of their author. How import-
ant, then, that they should be conceived in kind-
176 LETTER WRITING.
ness, tempered with truthfulness, and spoken in
earnestness! It is too frequently the case that per-
sons sit down to write — "upon the spur of the mo-
ment"— when some incident, or piece of news, or
some moment of impatience, fires the pen with a
feeling which is very apt to find expression in too
hasty words — which affect the distant reader very
unpleasantly, or which needlessly wound feelings
and stir up acrimony. It is best, in almost every
case, to write when thought and feeling have been
sobered by reflection; and then it is for the best to
eschew personalities, harsh expressions, unpleasant
allusions, for, once written they can not be recalled —
they then become matters of record. Therefore be-
ware, and be even over-cautious, rather than not cau-
tious enough, for a letter may serve as a sure witness
in cases where you might never suppose it could be
used. It may live and bear testimony for years — it
does not change with time or circumstance — it is a
warrantee deed of whose responsibility you can nev-
er be free.
CHAPTER XIV.
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
Our humbler province is to tend the fair,
Not a less pleasing, though less glorious care.
Pope.
IN point of fact, women certainly constitute the
most general consideration in life; in point of
necessity, perhaps the most important one. In every
age and country, they occupy vastly the larger por-
tion of men's thoughts. The class of common men
dedicate to them their lives ; and to ambition, busi-
ness or amusement, they are but the truants of an
hour. The boy dreams of them as the ministers of
a delight, dim but delicious, inexplicable but im-
mense ; the man thinks of them as the authors of a
pleasure, placid yet poignant ; the old turn towards
them as the sources of that comfort which is the
only paradise of age. To gain the favor of a race,
whose attractions are so universal and so various,
must be admitted to be an art that is worth some
attention.
178 CO UBTSHIP AND MARBIA GE.
Charms for Procuring Love.
Anciently, talismans and charms were relied on
for procuring love ; " but it is now many years since
the only tailsmans for creating love are the charms
of the person beloved," By gracefully displaying
those advantages which nature has given, and by
diligently cultivating the graces which art can be
stow, every man may reasonably hope to succeed in
whatever aspirations he may form in this direction.
In this field, moral qualities prevail far more than
physical ; and while few men are possessed of those
attractions of form and face which sometimes are
successful, all may hope to acquire those qualifica-
tions of character, understanding and manners,
which more often win the esteem of woman.
A Woman's Judgment.
A Woman's common judgment upon this matter
has been accurately expressed by Cibber when he
places in a woman's mouth, the remark, that "the
only merit of a man is his sense, while doubtless the
greatest value of a woman is her beauty." Beauty,
unquestionably, is the master-charm of that sex, and
it is felt to be so by themselves. But while we ob-
serve its value, we cannot but ponder on its dangers.
Their glory is so often their ruin, that what they
make their boast were better called their curse.
Love and Marriage.
This marriage is a terrible thing ;
'Tis like that well-known trick in the ring
CO UB TSHIP AND MABBIA GE. 179
Where one of a famed equestrian troup
Makes a leap through a golden hoop,
Not knowing at all what may befall
After his getting through it.— Thomas Hood.
Usages of Society.
At first sight it would appear as if both love and
marriage were beyond the rules of etiquette; but it
is not so. In society we must conform to the usages
of society, even in the tender emotions of the heart.
Love a Universal Passion.
Love is the universal passion. We are all, at one
time or other, conjugating the verb amo.
"He that feels
No love for women, has no heart for them.
Nor friendship or affection! he is foe
To all the finer feelings of the soul;
And to sweet Nature's holiest, tenderest ties,
A heartless renegade."
A Lady's Position.
A lady's choice is only negative — that is to say,
she may love, but she cannot declare her love; she
must wait. It is hers, when the time comes, to con-
sent or to decline, but till the time comes she must
be passive. And whatever may be said in jest or
sarcasm about it, this trial of a woman's patience is
often very hard to bear.
A Gentleman's Position.
A man may, and he will learn his fate at once,
180 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
openly declare his passion, and obtain his answer.
In this he has great advantage over the lady. Being
refused, he may go elsewhere to seek a mate, if he
be in the humor; try his fortune again, and mayhap
be the lucky drawer of a princely prize.
To a gentleman seeking a partner for life, we
would say — look to it, that you be not entraped by a
beautiful face.
"Regard not the figure, young man; look at the heart:
The heart of a woman is sometimes deformed."
Conduct of a Gentleman toward Ladies.
A gentleman whose thoughts are not upon mar-
riage should not pay too exclusive attentions to any
one lady. He may call upon all and extend invita-
tions to any or all to attend public places of amuse-
ment with him, or may act as their escort on occa-
sions, and no one of the many has any right to feel
herself injured. But as soon as he neglects oth-
ers to devote himself to a single lady he gives that
lady reason to suppose he is particularly attracted
to her, and there is danger of her feelings becoming
engaged.
Conduct of a Lady toward Gentlemen.
Neither should a young lady allow marked atten-
tions from any one to whom she is not especially
attracted, for several reasons: one, that she may not
do an injury to the gentleman in seeming to give his
CO UR 7 SHIP A ND MA RBI A QE. 181
suit encouragement, another, that she may not
harm herself in keeping aloof from her those whom
she might like better, but who will not approach her
under the mistaken idea that her feelings are al-
ready interested. A young lady will on no account
encourage the address of one whom she perceives to
be seriously interested in her unless she feels it pos-
sible that in time she may be able to return his af-
fections. The prerogative of proposing lies with
man, but the prerogative of refusing lies with wom-
an; and this prerogative a lady of tact and kind
heart can and will exercise before her suitor is
brought to the humiliation of a direct offer. She
may let him see that she receives with equal favor
attentions from others, and she may check in a kind
but firm manner his too frequent visits. She should
try, while discouraging him as a lover, to still retain
him as a friend.
A young man who has used sufficient delicacy
and deliberation in this matter, and who, moreover,
is capable of taking a hint when it is offered him,
need not go to the length of a declaration when a
refusal only awaits him.
Premature Declaration.
It is very injudicious, not to say presumptuous
for a gentleman to make a proposal to a young lady
on a brief acquaintance. He may be perfectly sat-
isfied as to her merits, but how can he imagine him-
self so attractive as to suppose her equally satisfied
182 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
i
on her part? A lady who would accept a gentleman
at first sight can hardly possess the discretion need-
ed to make her a good wife. Therefore, impatient
and impassioned young man, nurse your ardor for a
while unless you wish to ensure for yourself disap-
pointment.
Love at First Sight.
No doubt there is such a thing as love at first
sight, but love alone is a very uncertain foundation
upon which to base marriage. There should be thor-
ough acquaintanceship and a certain knowledge of
harmony of tastes and temperaments before matri-
mony is ventured upon.
Trifling with a Man's Feelings.
Some young ladies pride themselves upon the con-
quests which they make, and would not scruple
to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to
their reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from
you. If you see clearly that you have become an
object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not
wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honora-
bly and humanely, as you hope to be used with gen-
erosity by the person who may engage your own
heart. Do not let him linger in suspense; but take
the earliest opportunity of carefully making known
your feelings on the subject. This may be done in
a variety of ways. A refined ease of manner will
satisfy him, if he has any discernment, that his ad-
COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE. 183
dresses will not be acceptable. Should your natural
disposition render this difficult, show that you wish
to avoid his company, and he will presently with-
draw; but if even this is difficult — and who can lay
down rules for another? — allow an opportunity for
explanation to occur. You can then give him a po-
lite and decisive answer; and be assured that, in
whatever manner you convey your sentiments to
him, if he be a man of delicacy and right feeling,
he will trouble you no further. Let it never be said
of you, that you permit the attentions of an honora-
ble man when you have no heart to give him; or
that you have trifled with the affections of one whom
you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never to
marry him. It may be that his preference gratifies
and his conversation interests you; that you are flat-
tered by the attentions of a man whom some of your
companions admire; and that, in truth, you hardly
know your own mind on the subject. This will not
excuse you. Every young woman ought to know
the state of her own heart; and yet the happiness and
future prospects of many an excellent man have
been sacrificed by such unprincipled conduct.
A Poor Triumph.
It is a poor triumph for a young lady to say, or
to feel, that she has refused five, ten, or twenty offers
of marriage; it is about the same as acknowledging
herself a trifler and coquette, who, from motives of
personal vanity, tempts and induces hopes and ex-
184 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
pectations which she has predetermined shall be dis-
appointed. Such a course is, to a certain degree,
both unprincipled and immodest.
A Still Greater Crime.
It is a still greater crime when a man con veys the
impression that he is in love, by actions, gallantries,
looks, attentions, all — except that he never commits
himself — and finally withdraws his devotions, exult-
ing in the thought that he has said or written noth-
ing which can legally bind him.
The Rejected Lover.
Remember that if a gentleman makes a lady an
offer, she has no right to speak of it. If she possess
either generosity or gratitude for offered affection,
she will not betray a secret which does not belong to
her. It is sufficiently painful to be refused, without
incurring the additional mortification of being
pointed out as a rejected lover.
Duty of a Rejected Suitor.
The duty of the rejected suitor is quite clear. Et-
iquette demands that he shall accept the lady's de-
cision as final and retire from the field. He has no
right to demand the reason of her refusal. If she
assign it, he is bound to respect her secret, if it is
one, and to hold it inviolable.
To persist in urging his suit or to follow up the
ladv with marked attentions would be in the worst
CO UB TSHIP AND MABBIA GE. 185
possible taste. The proper course is to withdraw as
much as possible from the circles in which she
moves, so that she may be spared reminiscences
which cannot be other than painful.
Unmanly Conduct.
Rejected suitors sometimes act as if they had re-
ceived injuries they were bound to avenge, and so
take every opportunity of annoying or slighting the
helpless victims of their former attentions. Such
conduct is cowardly and unmanly, to say noth-
ing of its utter violation of good breeding.
Encouraging the Address of a Geneleman.
If you encourage the addresses of a deserving
man, behave honorably and sensibly. Do not lead
him about as if in triumph: nor take advantage of
the ascendency which you have gained by playing
with his feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease
him, that you may try his temper; neither affect in-
difference; nor provoke lovers' quarrels, for the fool-
ish pleasure of reconciliation. On your conduct
during courtship will very much depend the esti-
mation in which you will be held by your husband
in after life.
Proposal of Marriage.
The mode in which the avowal of love should be
made, must of course, depend upon circumstances.
It would be impossible to indicate the style in which
186 CO UBTSHIP AND MARRIA GE.
the matter should be told. The heart and the head
— the best and truest partners — suggest the most
proper fashion. Station, power, talent, wealth, com-
plexion; all have much to do with the matter; they
must all be taken into consideration in a formal re-
quest for a lady's hand. If the communication be
made by letter, the utmost care should be taken that
the proposal be clearly, simply, and honestly stated.
Every allusion to the lady should be made with mark-
ed respect. Let it, however, be taken as a rule that
an interview is best; but let it be remembered that
all rules have exceptions.
Forms for Proposals.
As to the exact words there is no set formula, un-
less we accept those laid down in Dickens' novel of
David Copperfield — "Barkis is willin."
Trollope says on this subject: "We are inclined
to think that these matters are not always discussed
by mortal lovers in the poetically passionate phrase-
ology which is generally thought to be appropriate
for this description. A man cannot well describe
that which he has never seen or heard, but the ab-
solute words and acts of one such scene did once
come to the author's knowledge. The couple were
by no means plebeian or below the proper standard
of high bearing and high breeding; they were a
handsome pair, living among educated people, suffi-
ciently given to mental pursuits, and in every way
what a pair of polite lovers ought to be. The all-
CO UBTSHIP AND MABBIA GE. 187
important conversation passed in this wise. The
site of the passionate scene was the sea-shore, on
which they were walking, in autumn:
"Gentleman. — 'Well, miss, the long and the short
of it is this: here I am; you can take me or leave
me.'
"Lady (scratching a gutter on the sand with her
parasol, so as to allow a little salt water to run out
of one hole into another;. — 'Of course I know that's
all nonsense.'
" Gentleman. — 'Nonsense ! By Jove, it isn't non-
sense at all! Come, Jane, here I am; come, at any
rate you can say something.'
"Lady. — 'Yes, I suppose I can say something.'
"Gentleman. — 'Well, which is it to be — take me or
leave me?'
"Lady (very slowly, and with a voice perhaps
hardly articulate, carrying on, at the same time, her
engineering works on a wider scale). — 'Well, I dout
exactly want to leave you.'
"And so the matter was settled — settled with
much propriety and satisfaction; and both the lady
and gentleman would have thought, had they ever
thought about the matter at all, that this, the
sweetest moment of their lives, had been graced by
all the poetry by which such moments ought to be
hallowed."
Proposal Accepted.
Supposing the gentleman to be accepted by the
188 CO U1Z TSHIP AND MABBIA GE.
lady of his heart, he is, of course, recognized hence-
forth as one of the family.
The family of the engaged lady should endeavor
to make the suitor feel that he is at home, however
protracted his visits may be.
Protracted Engagements.
But protracted courtship, or engagements, are if
possible, to be avoided; they are universally embar-
rassing. Lovers are so apt to find out imperfections
in each other-to grow exacting, jealous, and morose.
"Alas ! how slight a cause can move
Dissension between hearts that love."
"Asking Papa."
When a gentleman is accepted by the lady of his
choice, the next thing in order is to go at once to her
parents for their approval. In presenting his suit
to them he should remember that it is not from the
sentimental but the practical side that they will re-
gard' the affair. Therefore, after describing the state
of his affections in as calm a manner as possible,
and perhaps hinting that their daughter is not in-
different to him, let him at once frankly, without
waiting to be questioned, give an account of his pe-
cuniary resources and his general prospects in life,
in order that the parents may judge whether he can
properly provide for a wife and possible family. A
pertinent anecdote was recently going the rounds of
CO UBTSHIP AND MABRIA GE. 189
the newspapers. A father asked a young man who
had applied to him for his daughter's hand how
much property he had. "None," he replied, but he
was "chock full of days' work." The anecdote con-
cluded by saying that he got the girl. And we be-
lieve all sensible fathers would sooner bestow their
daughters upon industrious, energetic young men
who are not afraid of days* work than upon idle
loungers with a fortune at their command.
An Engagement Ring.
After the engagement is made between the couple
and ratified by the parents, it is customary in polite
society for the young man to affix the seal of this
engagement by some present to his affianced. This
present is usually a ring, and among the wealthy it
may be of diamonds — a solitaire or cluster — and as
expensive as the young man's means will justify.
The ring is not necessarily a diamond one; it may
be of other stones or it may be an heirloom in his
family, precious more because of its associations an-
tiquity and quaintness than from its actual money-
value.
All lovers cannot afford to present their lady-loves
with diamond rings, but all are able to give them
some little token of their regard which will be cher-
ished for their sakes, and which will serve as a me-
mento of a very happy past to the end of life. The
engagement ring should be worn upon the ring
finger of the right hand.
190 CO UB TSHIP AND MABBIA GE.
The Relations of an Engaged Couple.
Neither should assume a masterful or jealous at-
titude toward the other. They are neither of them
to be shut up away from the rest of the world, but
must mingle in society after marriage nearly the
same as before, and take the same delight in friend-
ship. The fact that they have confessed their love
to each other ought to be deemed a sufficient guar-
antee of faithfulness; for the rest let there be trust
and confidence.
Demonstrations of Affection.
It may be well to hint that a lady should not be
too demonstrative of her affection during the days
of her engagement. There is always the chance of
a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip; and overt demon-
strations of love are not pleasant to remember by a
young lady if the man to whom they are given by
any chance fails to become her husband.
An honorable man will never tempt his future
bride to any such demonstration. He will always
maintain a respectful and decorous demeanor to-
ward her.
Keeping Late Hours.
Very few young men comprehend the real pain
and inconvenience they occasion to the lady of their
choice when they keep her up to untoward hours,
CO URTSHIP AND MARRIA GE. 191
and subject her, in consequence, to the ridicule and
censure of others.
It is not inappropriate to sometimes leave an en-
gaged couple by themselves, but that they should
always be so left, under all circumstances and no
matter at what inconvenience to others, is as absurd
as it is indelicate.
A Domineering Lover.
No lover will assume a domineering attitude over
his future wife. If he does so, she will do well to
escape from his thrall before she becomes his wife
in reality. A domineering lover will be certain to
be still more domineering as a husband; and from
all such the prayer of wise women is, "Good Lord,
deliver us!"
Breaking an Engagement.
"Sometimes it is necessary to break off an engage-
ment. Many circumstances will justify this. In-
deed, anything which may occur or be discovered
which shall promise to render the marriage an un-
suitable or unhappy one is and should be accepted
as justification for such a rupture. Still breaking
an engagement is always a serious and distressing
thing, and ought not to be contemplated without
absolute and just reasons.
Whichever is the acting party in the matter must
necessarily feel his or her position one of great deli-
cacy and embarrassment. The step must be taken
192 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
firmly yet gently, and everything done to soften the
blow to the other party.
Breaking an Engagement by Letter.
It is generally best to break an engagement by
letter. By this means one can express himself or
herself more clearly, and give the true reasons for
his or her course much better than in a personal in-
terview. The letter breaking the engagement
should be accompanied by everything in the way of
portraits, letters or gifts which have been received
during the engagement.
Acknowledging such Letter.
Such a letter should be acknowledged in a dig-
nified manner, and no efforts should be made or
measures be taken to change the decision of
the writer unless it is manifest that he or she is
greatly mistaken in his or her premises. A simi-
lar return of letters, portraits and gifts should be
made."
The Marriage Ceremony.
The marriage ceremony varies with the fortunes
and wishes of those interested.
In regard to the form of the rite, no specific direc-
tions are necessary; for those who are to be married
by ministers, will study the form of their particular
church — the Methodists their "Book of Discipline,"
the Episcopalians their "Book of Common Prayer,"
CO URTSHIP AND MARRIA GE. 193
the Catholics their Ritual, etc., etc. In most cases
a rehearsal of the ceremony is made in private, that
the pair may the more perfectly understand the ne-
cessary forms. If the parties are to be wedded by
a magistrate, the ceremony is almost nominal — it is
a mere repetition of a vow. The Catholic and Epis-
copal forms have the most ceremony, and doubtless
are the most impressive, though no more effectual-
ly marrying than the simplest form.
General Rules.
There are, however; some generally received rules
which govern this momentous and interesting occa-
sion, and to these we refer all interested.
When the wedding is not strictly in private, it is
customary for bridesmaids and groomsmen to be
chosen to assist in the duties of the occasion.
The bridesmaids should be younger than the bride;
their dresses should be conformed to hers; they
should not be any more expensive, though they are
permitted more ornament. They are generally chos-
en of light, graceful material; flowers are the princi-
pal decoration.
The bride's dress is marked by simplicity. But
few jewels or ornaments should be worn, and those
should be the gift of the bridegroom or parents. A
veil and garland are the distinguishing features of
the dress.
The bridesmaids assist in dressing the bride, re-
ceiving the company, etc.; and, at the time of the
13
194 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
ceremony, stand at her left side, the first bridesmaid
holding the bouquet and gloves.
The groomsmen receive the clergyman, present
him to the couple to be married, and support the
bridegroom upon the right, during the ceremony.
Congratulations after the Ceremony.
If it is an evening wedding, at home immediately
after "these twain are made one," they are congrat-
ulated: first by the relatives, then by the friends, re-
ceiving the good wishes of all; after which, they are
at liberty to leave their formal position, and mingle
with the company. The dresses, supper, etc., are
usually more festive and gay than for a morning
wedding and reception, where the friends stop for a
few moments only, to congratulate the newly-mar
ried pair, taste the cake and wine and hurry away.
Ceremony in Church.
When the ceremony is performed in church, the
bride enters at the left, with her father, mother, and
bridesmaids; or, at all events, with a bridesmaid.
The groom enters at the right, followed by his attend-
ants. The parents stand behind, the attendants at
either side.
The bride should be certain that her glove is read-
ily removable; the groom, that the ring is where he
can find it, to avoid delay and embarrassment.
CO UBTSHIP AND MABBIA GE. 195
Leaving the Church.
When they leave the church, the newly-married
couple walk arrn-in-arm. They have usually a re-
ception of a couple of hours at home, for their inti-
mate friends, then a breakfast, then leave upon the
"bridal tour."
Marriage-fees.
A rich man may give to the officiating clergyman
any sum from five dollars to five hundred, according
as his liberality dictates. A person of moderate
means may give from five dollars to twenty.
Let Joy be Unconfined.
On such festive occasions, all appear in their best
attire, and assume their best manners. Peculiari-
ties that pertain to past days, or have been unwarily
adopted, should be guarded against; mysteries con-
cerning knives, forks, and plates, or throwing "an
old shoe" after the bride, are highly reprehensible,
and have long been exploded. Such practices may
seem immaterial, but they are not so. Stranger
guests often meet at a wedding breakfast ; and the
good breeding of the family may be somewhat com-
promised by neglect in small things.
The Wedding Breakfast.
If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly
desirable, she occupies, with her husband, the center
196 COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE.
of the table, and sits by his side — her father and
mother taking the top and bottom, and showing all
honor to their guests. When the cake has been cut,
and every one is helped — when, too, the health of
the bride and bridegroom has been drunk, and every
compliment and kind wish has been duly proffered
and acknowledged — the bride, attended by her
friends, withdraws; and when ready for her depar-
ture the newly-married couple start off on their wed-
ding journey, generally about two or three o'clock,
and the rest of the company shortly afterward take
their leave.
Sending Cards.
In some circles it is customary to send cards almost
immediately to friends and relations, mentioning at
what time and hour the newly-married couple ex-
pect to be called upon. Some little inconvenience
occasionally attends this custom, as young people
may wish to extend their wedding tour beyond the
time first mentioned, or, if they go abroad, delays
may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to
postpone sending cards, for a short time at least.
Wedding Cards.
Fashions change continually with regard to wed-
ding cards. A few years since they were highly or-
namented, and fantastically tied together; now sil-
ver-edged cards are fashionable; but, unquestiona-
bly, the plainer and more unostentatious a wedding
COUB7SHIP AND MARRIAGE. 197
card, the more becoming and appropriate it will be.
No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sent
ought to call upon a newly-married couple.
Calling on a Newly-married Couple.
When the days named for seeing company arrive,
remember to be punctual. Call, if possible, the first
day, but neither before nor after the appointed hour.
Wedding-cake and wine are handed round, of which
every one partakes, and each expresses some kindly
wish for the happiness of the newly-married couple.
A Joyous Period.
Taking possession of their home by young people
is always a joyous period. The depressing influence
of a wedding breakfast, where often the hearts of
many are sad, is not felt, and every one looks for-
ward to years of prosperity and happiness.
Professional Call while receiving Calls.
If the gentleman is in a profession, and it hap-
pens that he cannot await the arrival of such as call
according to invitation on the wedding-card, an apol-
ogy must be made, and, if possible, an old friend of
the family should represent him. A bride must on
no account receive her visitors without a mother, or
sister, or some friend being present, not even if her
husband is at home. This is imperative. To do
otherwise is to disregard the usages of society.
198 CO UBTSHIP AND MABBIA GE.
Returning Wedding Visits.
Wedding visits must be returned during the course
of a few days, and parties are generally made for the
newly-married couple, which they are expected to
return. This does not, however, necessarily entail
much visiting; neither is it expected from young
people, whose resources may be somewhat limited,
or when the husband has to make his way in the
world.
CHAPTER XV.
DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.
HE little community to which I gave laws,"
1 said the Vicar of Wakefield, "was regulat-
ed in the following manner : — We all assembled ear-
ly, and after we had saluted each other with proper
ceremony, (for I always thought fit to keep up some
mechanical forms of good breeding, without which,
freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt in
gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So
also when we parted for the night."
We earnestly recommend that the precepts and ex-
ample of the good old Vicar should be followed and
adopted by every newly-married couple. With re-
gard to the first, the courtesies of society should nev-
er be omitted, in even the most trivial matters; and
as respects the second, what blessing can be reason-
ably expected to descend upon a house wherein the
voice of thanksgiving is never heard, nor yet pro-
tection sought by its acknowledged head !
200 DOMESTIC ETIQ UETTE AND D UTIES.
Duties of the Wife.
On the wife especially devolves the privilege and
pleasure of rendering home happy. We shall, there-
fore, speak of such duties and observances as per-
tain to her.
When a young wife first settles in her home, many
excellent persons, witn more zeal, it may be, than
discretion, immediately propose that she should de-
vote some of her leisure time to charitable purposes:
such, for instance, as clothing societies for the poor,
or schools, or district visiting. We say with all earn-
estnes to our young friend, engage in nothing of the
kind, however laudable, without previously consult-
ing your husband, and obtaining his full concur-
rence. Carefully avoid, also, being induced by any
specious arguments to attend evening lectures, un-
less he accompanies you. Remember that your
Heavenly Father, who has given you a home to
dwell in, requires from you a right performance of
its duties. WTin your husband, by all gentle appli-
ances, to love religion; but do not, for the sake even
of a privilege and a blessing, leave him to spend his
evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring
and remember the sacred vows taken by you when
the ring was given; such thoughts will go far toward
allaying many of these petty vexations which cir-
cumstances call forth.
DOMESTIC ETIQ UETTE AND D UTIES. 201
Avoid all Causes for Complaint.
Never let your husband have cause to complain
that you are more agreeable abroad than at home;
nor permit him to see in you an object of admiration
as respects your dress and manners, when in com-
pany, while you are negligent of both in the domes-
tic circle. Many an unhappy marriage has been oc-
casioned by neglect in these particulars. Nothing
can be more senseless than the conduct of a young
woman, who seeks to be admired in general society
for her politeness and engaging manners, or skill in
music, when, at the same time, she makes no effort
to render her home attractive; and yet that home
whether a palace or a cottage, is the very centre of
her being — the nucleus around which her affections
should revolve, and beyond which she has compara-
tively small concern.
Beware of Confidants.
Beware of intrusting any individual whatever
with small annoyances, or misunderstandings, be-
tween your husband and yourself, if they unhappily
occur. Confidants are dangerous persons, and many
seek to obtain an ascendency in families by gaining
the good opinion of }roung married women. Be on
your guard, and reject every overture that may lead
to undesirable intimacy. Should any one presume
to offer you advice with regard to your husband, or
seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that per-
son as you would a serpent. Many a happy home
202 DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.
has been rendered desolate by exciting coolness or
suspicion, or by endeavors to gain importance in an
artful and insidious manner.
Regarding Money Matters.
In all money matters, act openly and honorably
Keep your accounts with the most scrupulous exact-
ness, and let your husband see that you take an hon-
est pride in rightly appropriating the money which
he intrusts to you. "My husband works hard for
every dollar that he earns," said a young married
lady, the wife of a professional man, to a friend who
found her busily employed in sewing buttons on her
husband's coat, "and it seems to me worse than cruel
to lay out a dime unnecessarily." Be very careful
also, that you do not spend more than can be afford-
ed in dress; and be satisfied with such carpets and
curtains in your drawing-room as befit a moderate
fortune, or professional income.
How to keep a Home.
Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully arrang-
ed, give an air of elegance to a room in which the
furniture is far from costly; and books judiciously
placed, uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible
woman will always seek to ornament her home, and
to render it attractive, more especially as this is the
taste of the present day. The power of association
is very great; light, and air, and elegance, are im-
portant in their effects. No wife acts wisely who per-
DOMESTIC ETJQ UETTE AND D UTIE& 203
mits her sitting-room to look dull in the eyes of him
whom she ought especially to please, and with whom
she has to pass her days.
Avoid Concealment.
In middle life, instances frequently occur of con-
cealment with regard to money concerns; thus, for
instance, a wife wishes to possess an article of dress
which is too costly for immediate purchase, or a
piece of furniture liable to the same objection. She
accordingly makes an agreement with a seller, and
there are many who call regularly at houses when
the husband is absent on business, and who receive
whatever the mistress of the house can spare from
her expenses. A book is kept by the seller, in which
payments are entered; but a duplicate is never re-
tained by the wife, and therefore she has no check
whatever. We have known an article of dress paid
for in this manner, far above its value, and have
heard a poor young woman, who has been thus duped
say to a lady, who remonstrated with her: "Alas!
what can I do? I dare not tell my husband." It
may be that the same system, though differing ac-
cording to circumstances, is pursued in a superior
class of life. We have reason to think that it is so,
and therefore affectionately warn our young sisters
to beware of making purchases that require con-
cealment. Be content with such things as you can
honorably afford, and such as your husbands ap-
prove. You can then wear them with every feeling
204 DOMESTIC ETIQ UETTE AN J) D UTJJE&
of self-satisfaction, and have a contented mind.
Avoid all Bickerings.
Before dismissing this part of our subject, we be-
seech you to avoid all bickerings. What does it sig-
nify where a picture hangs, or whether a rose or
a pink looks best on the drawing-room table? There
is something inexpressibly endearing in small con-
cessions, in gracefully giving up a favorite opinion,
or in yielding to the will of another; and equally
painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers have
their source in streams; the bitterest domestic mise-
ry has often arisen from some trifling difference of
opinion. If, by chance you marry a man of hasty
temper, great discretion is required. Much willing-
ness, too, and prayer for strength to rule your own
spirit are necessary. Three instances occur to us,
in which, ladies have knowingly married men of
exceedingly violent tempers, and yet have lived
happily. The secret of their happiness consisted in
possessing a perfect command over themselves, and
in seeking, by every possible means, to prevent their
husbands from committing themselves in their pres-
ence.
Becoming Conduct for a Wife.
Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and
never approve a mean action, nor speak an unre-
fined word; let all your conduct be such as an hon-
orable and right-minded man may look for in his
DOMESTIC ETIQ UETTE AND D UTIES. 205
wife, and the mother of his children. The slightest
duplicity destroys»confidence. The least want of re-
finement in conversation, or in the selection of books
lowers a woman, ay, and forever ! Follow these few
simple precepts, and they shall prove to you of more
worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will know
what sorrow is. They apply to every class of socie-
ty, in every place where man has fixed his dwelling;
and to the woman who duly observes them may be
given the beautiful commendation of Solomon, when
recording the words which the mother of King Le-
muel taught him :
Solomon's Description of a Woman.
"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in
her; she will do him good, and not evil, all the days
of her life. Strength and honor are her clothing;
and she shall rejoice in time to come. Her children
rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and
he praiseth her." — Prov. xxxi.
Duties of a Husband.
We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our
brethren; to them who have taken upon themselves
the sacred and comprehensive names of husband
and of master, who have formed homes to dwell in
and have placed therein, as their companions through
life's pilgrimage, gentle and confiding ones who have
left for them all that was heretofore most dear, and
whom they have sworn to love and to cherish.
206 DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.
Things to Remember. .
Remember that you have now, as a married man
a very different standing in society from the one
which you previously held, and that the happiness
of another is committed to your charge. Render,
therefore, your home happy by kindness and atten-
tion to your wife, and carefully watch over your
words and actions. If small disputes arise, and your
wife has not sufficient good sense to yield her
opinion; nay, if she even seems determined to have
her own way, and that tenaciously, do not get angry;
rather be silent and let the matter rest. An oppor-
tunity will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet
decidedly, on the subject, and much good will be
effected. Master your own temper, and you will
soon master your wife's; study her happiness without
yielding to any caprices, and you will have no rea-
son to regret your self-control.
Accompany Your Wife to Church.
Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday.
You can hardly do a worse thing as regards her
good opinion of you, and the well being of your
household. It is a pitiable sight to see a young wife
going toward the church-door unattended, alone in
the midst of a crowd, with her thoughts dwelling,
it may be very sadly, on the time when you were
proud to walk beside her. Remember that the con-
dition of a young bride is often a very solitary one;
DOMESTIC ETIQ UETTE AND D UTIES. 207
and that for your sake she has left her parent's roof,
and the companionship of her brothers and sisters.
If you are a professional man, your wife may have
to live in the neighborhood of a large city, where
she scarcely knows any one, and without those agree-
able domestic occupations, or young associates,
among whom she had grown up. Her garden and
poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day passes
without the light of any smile but yours. You go
off, most probably after breakfast, to your business
or profession, and do not return till a late dinner;
perhaps even not then, if you are* much occupied, or
have to keep up professional connections. It seems
unmanly, certainly most unkind, to let your young
wife go to church on Sunday without you, for the
common-place satisfaction of lounging at home.
A Breach of Domestic Etiquette.
To act in this manner is certainly a breach of do-
mestic etiquette. Sunday is the only day in which
you can enable her to forget her father's house, and
the pleasant associations of her girlhood days — in
which you can pay her those attentions which pre-
vent all painful comparisons as regards the past.
Sunday is the day of rest, wisely and mercifully ap-
pointed to loose the bonds by which men are held
to the world; let it be spent by you as becomes the
head of a family. Let no temptation ever induce
you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Di-
vine service, merely that she may "idle at home
208 D OMESTIC ETIQ UETTE AND D UTIES.
with you." Religion is her safeguard amid the tri-
als or temptations of this world, And woe may be
to you if you seek to withdraw her from its protec-
tion!
Take Your Wife into Your Confidence.
Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises
from want of candor. Men conceal their affairs,
and expect their wives to act with great economy,
without assigning any reason why such should be
the case; but the husband ought frankly to tell his
wife the real amount of his income; for, unless this
is done, she cannot properly regulate her expenses.
They ought then to consult together as to the sum
that can be afforded for housekeeping, which should
be rather below than above the mark.
Let Her Manage Her own Affairs.
When this is arranged he will find it advantage-
ous to give into her hands, either weekly, monthly,
or quarterly, the sum that is appropriated for daily
expenditure, and above all things to avoid interfer-
ing without absolute necessity. The home depart-
ment belongs exclusively to the wife; the province
of the husband is to rule the house — hers to regu-
late its internal movements. True it is, that some
inexperienced young creatures know but little of
household concerns. If this occur, have patience,
and do not become pettish or illhumored. If too
much money is laid out at first, give advice, kind-
DOMESTIC ET1Q UETTE AND D UTIES. 209
ly and firmly, and the young wife will soon learn
how to perform her new duties.
Avoid Unnecessary Interference.
No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from
unnecessary interference. If a man unhappily mar-
ries an incorrigible simpleton, or spendthrift, he can-
not help himself. Such, however, is rarely the case.
Let a man preserve his own position, and assist his
wife to do the same; all things will then move to-
gether, well and harmoniously.
Be always ready to Praise.
Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be
avoided by judicious conduct in the outset of life.
Husbands should give their wives all confidence.
They have intrusted to them their happiness, and
should never suspect them of desiring to waste their
money. Whenever a disposition is manifested to do
right, express your approbation. Be pleased with
trifles, and commend efforts to excel on every fitting
occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage her,
and avoid seeing small mistakes. It is unreasona-
ble to add to the embarrassments of her new condi-
tion, by ridiculing her deficiencies.
Avoid Comparisons.
Forbear extolling the previous management of
your mother or your sisters. Many a wife has been
alienated from her husband's family, and many an
210 D OMESTIC ETIQ UETTE A ND D UTIES.
affectionate heart has been deeply wounded by such
injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible woman will
always pay especial attention to the relations of her
husband, and entertain them with affectionate polite-
ness, the husband on his part should always cordial-
ly receive and duly attend to her relations. The re-
verse of this, on either side, is often productive of
unpleasant feelings.
Conclusion.
Lastly, we recommend every young married man,
who wishes to render his home happy, to consider
his wife as the light of his domestic circle, and to
permit no clouds, however small, to obscure the re-
gion in which she presides. Most women are natur-
ally amiable, gentle and complying; and if a wife
becomes perverse and indifferent to her home, it is
generally her husband's fault. He may have neg-
lected her happiness; but nevertheless it is unwise
in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully reflecting
the brightness that still may shine upon her, to give
back the dusky and cheerless hue which saddens
her existence. Be not selfish, but complying in small
things. If your wife dislikes cigars — and few young
women like to have their clothes tainted by tobacco
— leave off smoking; for it is at best, an ungentle-
manly and dirty habit. If your wife asks you to
read to her, do not put }^our feet upon a chair and
go to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her
as you were wont when you sought her for a bride.
DOMESTIC ETIQ VETTE AND D UTIES. 211
The husband may say that he is tired, and does not
like music, or reading aloud. This may occasionally
be true, and no amiable woman will ever desire her
husband to do what would really weary him. We,
however, recommend a young man to practice some-
what of self-denial, and to remember that no one
acts with a due regard to his own happiness who lays
aside, when married, those gratifying attentions
which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his love;
or those rational sources of home enjoyment which
made her look forward with a bounding heart to be-
come his companion through life.
Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its obser-
vances are nowhere more to be desired than in the
domestic circle.
CHAPTER XVI.
TABLE ETIQUETTE.
BREAKFAST is the least ceremonious meal of
the day. Where the corps of servants is
large, so that the arrangements of the day are not
disturbed thereby, it is customary to let the mem-
bers of the family breakfast at their own proper
hour. Each one comes in without ceremony when-
ever it pleases him or her to do so. In smaller house-
holds a good deal of inconvenience would attend
such a course, and it is well to insist upon punctu-
ality at a reasonable hour. Nevertheless, at this first
meal of the day a certain amount of freedom is al-
lowed which would be unjustifiable at any other
time. The head of tne house may read his morn-
ing paper and the other members of the family may
look over their correspondence if they choose. And
each may rise and leave the table when business or
pleasure dictates, without waiting for a general
signal.
TABLE ETIQ UETTE. 213
The Breakfast-table.
The breakfast-table should be simply decorated,
yet it may be made extremely attractive, with its
snowy cloth and napkins, its array of glass, and its
ornamentation of flowers and fruit.
Queen Victoria has set the fashion of placing the
whole loaf of bread upon the table with a knife by
its side, leaving the bread to be cut as it is desired.
However, the old style of having the bread already
cut when it is placed upon the table will still recom-
mend itself to many. In eating, bread must always
be broken, never cut, and certainly not bitten.
Fruit should be served in abundance at the break-
fast-table. There is an old adage which declares
that "fruit is golden in the morning, silver at noon
and leaden at night."
General Rules for Behavior at Table.
Tea and coffee should never be poured into a
saucer.
If a person wishes to be served with more tea or
coffee, he should place his spoon in the saucer. If
he has had sufficient, let it remain in the cup.
If anything unpleasant is found in the food, such
as a hair in the bread or a fly in the coffee, remove
it without remark. Though your own appetite be
spoiled, it is well not to spoil that of others.
Never if possible, cough or sneeze at the table. If
you feel the paroxysm coming on, leave the room.
21* TABL E ET1Q UETTE.
It may be worth while to know that a sneeze may-
be stifled by placing the finger firmly upon the up-
per lip.
Fold your napkin when you are done with it and
place it in your ring, when at home. If you are
visiting, leave your napkin unfolded beside your
plate.
Never hold your knife and fork upright on each
side of your plate while you are talking.
Do not cross your knife and fork upon your plate
until you have finished.
When you send your plate to be refilled, place
your knife and fork upon one side of it or put them
upon your piece of bread.
Eat neither too fast nor too slow.
Never lean back in your chair nor sit too near or
too far from the table.
Keep your elbows at your side, so that you may
not inconvenience your neighbors.
Do not find fault with the food.
The old-fashioned habit of abstaining from tak-
ing the last piece upon the plate is no longer observ-
ed. It is to be supposed that the vacancy can be
supplied if necessary.
If a plate is handed you at table, keep it yourself
instead of passing it to a neighbor. If a dish is
passed to you, serve yourself first, and then pass it.
TABLE ETIQ VETTE. 21 5
Luncheon.
Luncheon is a recognized institution in our large
cities, where business forbids the heads of families
returning to dinner until a late hour.
There is much less formality in the serving of
lunch than of dinner. Whether it consists of one
or more courses, it is all set upon the table at once.
When only one or two are to lunch, the repast is
ordinarily served upon a tray.
Dinner.
We have already spoken at some length of cere-
monious dinners, so that all we need speak of in this
place is the private family dinner. This should al-
ways be the social hour of the day. Then parents
and children meet together, and the meal should be
of such length as to allow of the greatest sociality.
Remember the old proverb that "chatted food is
half digested."
It may not be out of place to quote here an anec-
dote from the French, which will illustrate, in most
respects, the correct etiquette of the dining-table.
The abbe Casson, a professor in the College Maza-
rih, and an accomplished litterateur, dined one day
at Versailles with the abbe de Radonvilliers, in com-
pany with several courtiers and marshals of France.
After dinner, when the talk ran upon the etiquette
and customs of the table, the abbe Casson boasted
of his intimate acquaintance with the best dining-
out usages of society.
21G TABL E ETIQ UETTE.
The abbe Delille listened to his account of his own
good manners for a while, but then interrupted him
and offered to wager that at the dinner just served
he had committed numberless errors or impropri-
eties.
"How is it possible!" demanded the abbe. "I did
exactly like the rest of the company."
"Nonsense!" exclaimed the other. " You did a
hundred things which no one else did. First, when
you sat down at the table, what did you do with
your napkin?"
"My napkin? Why, just what everybody else
did: I unfolded it and fastened it to my button-
hole."
"Ah, my dear friend," said Delille, "you were the
only one of the party who did that. No one hangs
his napkin up in that style. They content them-
selves with placing it across their knees. And what
did you do when you were served to soup?"
"Like the others, surely. I took my spoon in my
right hand and my fork in the left — "
"Your fork! Who ever saw any one eat bread
out of a soup-plate with a fork before ? After your
soup what did you eat?"
"A fresh egg."
"And what did you do with the shell?
"Handed it to the servant."
"Without breaking it?"
"Yes, without breaking it up, of course."
"Ah, my dear abbe, nobody ever eats an egg with-
TABLE ETIQUETTE. 217
out breaking the shell afterward/' exclaimed Abbe
Delille. "And after your egg?"
"I asked the abbe Eadonvilliers to send me a piece
of the hen near him."
"Bless my soul! a piece of the hen? One should
never speak of hens out of the hennery. You should
have asked for a piece of fowl or chicken. But you
say nothing about your manner of asking for wine."
" Like the others, I asked for claret and cham-
pagne."
"Let me inform you that one should always ask
for claret wine and champagne wine. But how did
you eat your bread?"
"Surely I did that properly. I cut it with my
knife into small mouthfuls and ate it with my
fingers."
"Bread should never be cut, but always broken
with the fingers. But the coffee — how did you man-
age that?"
"It was rather too hot, so I poured a little of it in-
to my saucer and drank it."
"Well, then, you committed the greatest error.
You should never pour either coffee or tea into your
saucer, but always let it cool and drink it from the
cup."
It is unnecessary to say that the abbe was deeply
mortified at his evident ignorance of the usages of
polite society.
CHAPTER XVII.
MISCELLANEO US B ULES OF ETIQ XJETTE
SOME contend that mere intercourse with the
world gives a habit and taste for those mod-
est and obliging observances which constitute true
politeness; but this is an error. Propriety of de-
portment is the valuable result of a knowledge of
one's self, and respect for the rights of others; it is a
feeling of the sacrifices which are imposed on self-
esteem by our own social relations; it is, in short, a
sacred requirement of harmony and affection. But
the usage of the world is merely the gloss, or rather
the imitation of propriety; and when not based up-
on sincerity, modesty, and courtesy, it consists in
being inconstant in every thing, and in amusing it-
self by playing off its feelings and ridicule against
the defects and excellencies of others. Thanks to
custom, — it is sufficient, in order to be recognized
as amiable, that he who is the subject of a malicious
pleasantry may laugh as well as the author of it.
MISCELLANEO US B ULES 219
Presents among Friends.
Among friends, presents ought to be made of
things of small value; or, if valuable, their worth
should be derived from the style of the workman-
ship, or from some accidental circumstance, rather
than from the inherent and solid richness. Especi-
ally never offer to a lady a gift of great cost: it is
in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if you
were desirous of placing her under an obligation to
you, and of buying her good will. The gifts made
by ladies to gentlemen are of the most refined na-
ture possible: they should be little articles not pur-
chased, but deriving a priceless value as being the
offspring of their gentle skill; a little picture from
their pencil, or a trifle from their needle.
Presents to Married Ladies.
Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from
gentlemen to whom they are neither related nor en-
gaged. A married lady may occasionally accept a
present from a gentleman who is indebted to her for
hospitality.
Presents by Married Ladies.
Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman
should be in the name of both herself and her hus-
band.
Never make a gift which is really beyond or out
of proportion to your means. For you may be sure
220 MISCELLANEO US R ULES
the recipient is thinking, even if he have the good
breeding to say nothing, that you had best kept it
yourself.
Praising Presents.
If you make a present, and it is praised by the
receiver, you should not yourself commence under-
valuing it. If one is offered to you, always accept
it; and however small it may be, receive it with
civil and expressed thanks, without any kind of af-
fectation. Avoid all such deprecatory phrases, as
"I fear I rob you," etc.
Making Parade.
A present should be made with as little parade
and ceremony as possible. If it is a small matter,
a gold pencil-case, a thimble to a lady, or an affair
of that sort, it should not be offered formally, but
in an indirect way, — left in her basket, or slipped on
to her finger, by means of a ribbon attached to it
without a remark of any kind.
How to Receive a Present.
Receive a present in the spirit in which it is given
and with a quiet expression of thanks. On the
other hand, never, when what you have given is ad-
mired, spoil the effect by saying it is of no value, or
worse still, that you have no use for it, have others,
or anything of that kind. Simply remark that you
are gratified at finding it has given pleasure.
MISCELLANEOUS RULES 221
Refusing a Gift.
Never refuse a gift if offered in kindness unless
the circumstancess are such that you cannot with
propriety or consistency receive it. Neither in re-
ceiving a present make such comments as "I am
ashamed to rob you;" "I am sure I ought not to take
it," which seem to indicate that your friend cannot
afford to make the gift.
Value of Presents.
In the eyes of persons of delicacy, presents are of
no worth, except from the manner in which they are
bestowed; strive then to gain them this value.
Governing our Moods.
We should subdue our gloomy moods before we
enter society. To look pleasantly and to speak kind-
ly is a duty we owe to others. Neither should we
afflict them with any dismal account of our health
state of mind or outward circumstances. It is pre-
sumed that each one has trouble enough of his own
to bear without being burdened with the sorrows of
others.
Civility Due to All Women.
Chesterfield says, "Civility is particularly due to
all women; and, remember, that no provocation
whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to
every woman; and the greatest man would justly be
222 MISCELLANEO US B ULES
reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the mean-
est woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only
protection they have against the superior strength
of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women;
and a man may, without weakness, tell a woman
she is either handsomer or wiser than she is."
Keeping Engagements.
Keep your engagements. Nothing is ruder than
to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure
and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently
retentive to keep all the engagements you make
stored within it, carry a little memorandum book,
and enter them there.
Requisites to gain Esteem.
Chesterfield says, "As learning, honor, and virtue
are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and
admiration of mankind, politeness and good breed-
ing are equally necessary to make you welcome and
agreeable in conversation and common life. Great
talents, such as honor, virtue, learning, and arts,
are above the generality of the world, who neither
possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly
in others; but all people are judges of the lesser tal-
ents, such as civility, affability, and an obliging,
agreeable address and manner; because they feel the
good effects of them, as making society easy and
pleasing."
MISCELLANEO US B ULES 228
Contempt and Haughtiness.
Contempt and haughtiness are never wise and
never politic. Pride is a losing game, play it with
whom you please. Courtesy is the only way to deal
with the courteous, and the best way to deal with
the rude. "There is nothing, so savage and un-
couth, that a little care, attention, and complaisance
will not tame it into civility."
Talking of Yourself.
Talk as little of yourself as possible, or of any
science or business in which you have acquired fame.
There is a banker in New York who is always cer-
tain to occupy the time of every party he gets into,
by talking of his per cents, and boasting that he be-
gan life without a cent — which every one readily be-
lieves; and if he were to add that he began life in a
pig-pen, they would believe that too.
A Filthy Habit.
Spitting is a filthy habit, and annoys one in al-
most every quarter, in-doors and out. Since vul-
garity has had its way so extensively amongst us,
every youth begins to smoke and spit before he has
well cut his teeth. Smoking is unquestionably so
great a pleasure to those accustomed to it, that it
must not be condemned, yet the spitting associated
with it detracts very much from the enjoyment. No
refined person will spit where ladies are present or
224 MISCELLANEO US B UL ES
in any public promenade; the habit is disgusting in
the extreme, and one would almost wish that it
could be checked in public by means of law.
Avoid Loud Conversation.
If you are in a public room, as a library or read-
ing-room, avoid loud conversation or laughing which
may disturb others. At the opera, or a concert be
profoundly silent during the performances; if you
do not wish to hear the music, you have no right to
interfere with the enjoyment of others.
In private, watch your thoughts; in your family,
watch your temper; in society, watch your tongue.
Consulting Your Time-piece.
Frequent consultation of the watch or time-pieces
is impolite, either when at home or abroad. If at
home, it appears as if you were tired of your com-
pany and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if
the hours dragged heavily, and you were calculat-
ing how soon you would be released.
Removing the Hat.
A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat
on in the presence of ladies for a single moment.
Indeed, so strong is the force of habit, that a gentle-
man will quite unconsciously remove his hat on en-
tering a parlor, or drawing-room, even if there is no
one present but himself.
MISVELLAJVEO US B, ULES 225
Smoking in Presence op Ladies.
It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in
the presence of ladies, even though they are amia-
ble enough to permit it. A gentleman, therefore, is
not in the habit of smoking in the parlor, for if
there is nobody present to object, it leaves a smell in
the room which the wife* has good reason to be mor-
tified at, if discovered by her guests.
Relinquishing a Seat for Ladies.
If you are in attendance upon a lady at any opera,
concert, or lecture, you should retain your seat at her
side; but if you have no lady with you, and have
taken a desirable seat, you should if need be, cheer-
fully relinquish it in favor of a lady, for one less el-
igible.
A Man's Pride and Principles.
A man's pride should dwell in his principles and
not in his demeanor. He should be above thinking
anything which may be unworthy of his nature,
and above doing anything which may lessen his
character or impair his honor; but he should not be
above illustrating his rank and breeding by gentle-
ness and kindness.
Avoid Religious Topics.
Religious topics should be avoided in conversa-
tion, except where all are prepared to concur in a
15
226 MISCELLANEOUS RULES
respectful treatment of the subject. In mixed soci-
eties the subject should never be introduced.
Do not touch any of the ornaments in the houses
where you visit; they are meant only for the use of
the lady of the house, and may be admired but not
touched.
Attention to Young People in Society.
In society all should receive equal attention, the
young as well as the old. "If we wish our young
people to grow up self-possessed and at ease, we
must early train them in these graces by giving
them the same attention and consideration we do
those of maturer years. If we snub them and sys-
tematically neglect them, they will acquire an awk-
wardness and a deprecatory manner which it will
be very difficult for them to overcome. We sin-
cerely believe that that which is considered the
natural gaucherie of young girls results more from
the slights which they are constantly receiving and
constantly expecting to receive, than from any real
awkwardness inherent in their age."
Reverential Regard for Religion.
A reverential regard for religious observances,
and religious opinions, is a distinguishing trait of a
refined mind. Whatever your opinions on the sub-
ject, you are not to intrude them on others, per-
haps to the shaking of their faith and happiness.
Never read in company. A gentleman or lady
MISCELLANEO US B ULES 227
may however, look over a book of engravings with
propriety.
Absent Mindedness.
Absence of mind is usually affected, and springs
in most cases from a desire to be thought abstracted
in profound contemplations. The world, however,
gives a man no credit for vast ideas who exhibits
absence when he should be attentive, even to trifles-
The world is right in this, and I would implore
every studious youth to forget that he is studious
when he enters company. I have seen many a man
who would have made a bright character otherwise,
affect a foolish reserve, remove himself as far from
others as possible, and in a mixed assembly, where
social prattle or sincere conversation enlivened the
hearts of the company, sit by himself abstracted in
a book. It is foolish, and, what is worse for the
absentee, it looks so.
Affectation.
There is nothing more diligently to be avoided
than every species of affectation. It is always de-
tected; and it always disgusts. It is as often found
among people of fashion now, as a hundred years
since.
Confidence and Secresy.
There are few points in which men are more fre-
quently deceived than in the estimate which they
228 MISVELLANEO US B ULES
form of the confidence and secresy of those to whom
they make communications. People constantly make
statements of delicacy and importance which they
expect will go no farther and will never be repeated;
but the number of those who regard the obligation
of silence even as to the most particular affairs, is
extremely small.
A Woman's Good Name.
Let no man speak a word against a woman at any
time, or mention a woman's name in any company
where it should not be spoken. A person at an
English dinner-party once made an after-dinner
speech, in which he was loud in his abuse of the
sex. When he had concluded, a gentleman whose
indignation was aroused remarked: "I hope the
gentleman refers to his own mother, wife and sisters
and not to ours."
"Civility," says Lord Chesterfield, "is particularly
due to all women; and remember that no provoca-
tion whatsoever can justify any man in not being
civil to every woman; and the greatest man would
justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the
meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the
only protection they have against the superior
strength of ours."
Singing in Company.
A lady in company should never exhibit any
anxiety to sing or play; but if she intends to do so,
MISCELLANEO US B ULES 229
she should not affect to refuse when asked, but
obligingly accede at once. If you cannot sing or
do not choose to, say so with seriousness and gravi-
ty, and put an end to the expectation promptly.
After singing once or twice, cease and give place to
others. There is an old saying, that a singer can
with the greatest difficulty be set agoing, and when
agoing, cannot be stopped.
Gentlemen at Evening-parties.
At an evening party, a gentleman should abstain
from conversing with the members of the family at
whose house the company are assembled, as they
wish to be occupied with entertaining their other
guests. A well-bred man will do all that he can in
assisting the lady of the house to render the even-
ing pleasant. He will avoid talking to men, and
will devote himself entirely to the women, and es-
pecially to those who are not much attended to by
others.
Accepting an Invitation.
If a lady accepts an invitation, nothing but the
most cogent necessity amounting to an absolute pre-
vention, should be permitted to interfere with her
keeping her word. To decline at a late period, after
having accepted, is, I believe, invariably felt to be
a rudeness and an insult; and it will be resented in
some civil way.
230 MISCELLANEOUS RULES
Expressing Unfavorable Opinions.
When you find that one of your friends appears
to be attracted by a young lady, and to be attentive
to her, you should be extremely careful how you ex-
press to him any unfavorable opinion about her, or
indulge in any derogatory remarks. If he should
make her his wife, the remembrance of your obser-
vations will make a constant awkwardness between
you.
Checking Himself in Conversation.
If a person in conversation has begun to say
something, and has checked himself, you should
avoid the tactless error so often committed, of insist-
ing on hearing him. Doubtless there was some rea-
son for his change of intention, and it may make
him feel unpleasantly to urge him forward accord-
ing to his first impulse.
Cautiousness and Sefl-control.
Cautiousness, and the check of an habitual self-
control, should accompany the mind of every one
who launches out in animated conversation. When
the fancy is heated, and the tongue has become rest-
less through exercise, and there is either a single
listener or a circle, to reward display, nothing but
resolute self-recollection can prevent the utterance
of much that had better been left unsaid.
MISCELLANEO US B ULES 231
Avoid Argument.
Avoid opposition and argument in conversation.
Rarely controvert opinions; never contradict senti-
ments. The expression of a feeling should be re-
ceived as a fact which is not the subject of confuta-
tion. Those who wrangle in company render them-
selves odious by disturbing the equanimity of their
companion, and compelling him to defend and give
a reason for his opinion, when perhaps he is neither
capable nor inclined to do it.
Civility.
Civilities always merit acknowledgment; trivial
and personal ones by word; greater and more dis-
tant ones by letter. If a man sends you his book,
or pays any other similar compliment, you should
express your consideration of his courtesy, by a
note.
Courtesy.
Courtesy is a habit of which the cultivation is
recommended by the weightiest and most numerous
motives. We are led to it by the generous purpose
of advancing the happiness of others, and the more
personal one of making ourselves liked and courted.
When we see how the demagogue is driven to affect
it, we learn how valuable the reality will be to us.
"It is like grace and beauty," says, Montaigne; "it
begets regard and an inclination to love one at the
232 MISCELLANEOUS RULES
first sight, and in the very beginning of an acquaint-
ance."
Improper Actions and Attitudes.
Never pass between two persons who are talking
together; and never pass before any one when it is
possible to pass behind him. When such an act is
absolutely necessary, always apologize for so doing.
Good Maxims.
Bishop Beveridge says, "Never speak of a man's
virtues before his face or his faults behind his back."
Another maxim is, "In private watch "your
thoughts; in your family watch your temper; in so-
ciety watch your tongue."
Politeness.
Chesterfield says: "As learning, honor and virtue
are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and
admiration of mankind, politeness and good breed-
ing are equally necessary to make you welcome and
agreeable in conversation and common life. Great
talents, such as honor, virtue, learning and arts, are
above the generality of the world, who neither pos-
sess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in
others. But all people are judges of the lesser
talents, such as civility, affability and an obliging,
agreeable address and manner, because they feel
the good effects of them as making society easy and
pleasing."
MISCELLANEO US B ULES 233
Washington's Maxims.
Mr. Sparks has given to the public a collection
of Washington's maxims which he called his "Rules
of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company." We
give these rules entire, as they cannot fail to both
interest and profit the reader:
1. Every action in company ought to be with
some sign of respect to those present.
2. In the presence of others sing not to yourself
with a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers
or feet.
3. Speak not when others speak, sit not when
others stand and walk not when others stop.
4. Turn not your back to others, especially in
speaking; jog not the table or desk on which anoth-
er reads or writes; lean not on any one.
5. Be no flatterer, neither play with any one that
delights not to be played with
6. Read no letters, books or papers in company ;
but when there is a necessity for doing it, you must
not leave. Come not near the books or writings of
any one so as to read them unasked; also look not
nigh when another is writing a letter.
7. Let your countenance be pleasant, but in seri-
ous matters somewhat grave.
8. Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of
another, though he were your enemy.
9. They that are in dignity or office have in all
places precedency, but whilst they are young, they
234 MISCELLANEO US B ULES
ought to respect those that are their equals in birth
or other qualities, though they have no public
charge.
10. It is good manners to prefer them to whom
we speak before ourselves, especially if they be above
us, with whom in no sort we ought to begin.
11. Let your discourse with men of business be
short and comprehensive.
12. In visiting the sick do not presently play the
physician if you be not knowing therein.
13. In writing or speaking give to every person
his due title according to his degree and custom of
the place.
14. Strive not with yonr superiors in argument,
but always submit your judgment to others with
modesty.
15. Undertake not to teach your equal in the art
he himself professes; it savors of arrogancy.
16. When a man does all he can, though it suc-
ceeds not well, blame not him that did it.
17. Being to advise or reprehend any one, con-
sider whether it ought to be in public or in private,
presently or at some other time, also in what terms
to do it; and in reproving show no signs of choler,
but do it with sweetness and mildness.
18. Mock not nor jest at anything of importance;
break no jests that are sharp or biting; and if you
deliver anything witty or pleasant, abstain from
laughing thereat yourself.
19. Wherein you reprove another be unblamable
MISCELLAJSEO US B VLES 235
yourself, for example is more prevalent than pre-
cept.
20. Use no reproachful language against any one>
neither curses nor revilings.
21. Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the
disparagement of any one.
22. In your apparel be modest, and endeavor to
accommodate nature rather than procure admiration-
Keep to the fashion of your equals, such as are civil
and orderly with respect to time and place.
23. Play not the peacock, looking everywhere
about you to see if you be well decked, if your
shoes fit well, if your stockings set neatly and
clothes handsomely.
24. Associate yourself with men of good quality
if you esteem your own reputation, for it is better
to be alone than in bad company.
25. Let your conversation be without malice or
envy, for it is a sign of tractable and commendable
nature; and in all causes of passion admit reason to
govern.
26. Be not immodest in urging your friend to dis-
cover a secret.
27. Utter not base and frivolous things amongst
grown and learned men, nor very difficult questions
or subjects amongst the ignorant, nor things hard
to be believed.
28. Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth
nor at the table; speak not of melancholy things, as
death and wounds; and if others mention them,
236 MISCELLANEO US B ULES
change, if you can the discourse. Tell not your
dreams but to your intimate friends.
29. Break not a jest when none take pleasure in
mirth. Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion.
Deride no man's misfortunes, though there seem to
be some cause.
30. Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor
earnest. Scoff at none, although they give occa-
sion.
31. Be not forward, but friendly and courteous,
the first to salute, hear and answer, and be not pen-
sive when it is time to converse.
32. Detract not from others, but neither be exces-
sive in commending.
33. Go not thither where you know not whether
you shall be welcome or not. Give not advice with-
out being asked; and when desired, do it briefly.
34. If two contend together, take not the part of
either unconstrained, and be not obstinate in your
opinion; in things indifferent be of the major side.
35. Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for
that belongs to parents, masters and superiors.
36. Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of
others, and ask not how they came. What you may
speak in secret to your friend deliver not before
others.
37. Speak not in an unknown tongue in company
but in your own language; and that as those of
quality do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters
treat seriouslv.
MISCELLAJSEO US B ULES 237
38. Think before you speak; pronounce not im-
perfectly, nor bring out your words too hastily, but
orderly and distinctly.
39. When another speaks, be attentive yourself,
and disturb not the audience. If any hesitate in his
words, help him not, nor prompt him without being
desired; interrupt him not, nor answer him till his
speech be ended.
40. Treat with men at fit times about business, and
whisper not in the company of others.
41. Make no comparisons; and if any of the com-
pany be commended for any brave act of virtue com-
mend not another for the same.
42. Be not apt to relate news if you know not the
truth thereof. In discoursing of things you have
heard, name not your author always. A secret dis-
cover not.
43. Be not curious to know the affairs of others,
neither approach to those that speak in private.
44. Undertake not what you cannot perform; but
be careful to keep your promise.
45. When you deliver a matter, do it without pas-
sion and indiscretion, however mean the person
may be you do it to.
46. When your superiors talk to anybody, hear
them; neither speak nor laugh.
47. In disputes be not so desirous to overcome as
not to give liberty to each one to deliver his opin-
ion, and submit to the judgment of the major part,
especially if they are judges of the dispute.
238 MISCELLANEO US B ULE8
48. Be not tedious in discourse, make not many
digressions, nor repeat often the same matter of dis-
course.
49. Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
50. Be not angry at table, whatever happens; and
if you have reason to be so show it not; put on a
cheerful countenance, especially if there be strangers
for good humor makes one dish a feast.
51. Set not yoarself at the upper end of the table;
but if it be your due, or the master of the house
will have it so, contend not, lest you should trouble
the company.
52. When you speak of God or his attributes, let
it be seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey
your natural parents.
53. Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.
54. Labor to keep alive in your breast that little
spark of celestial fire called conscience.
Principles of Good-breeding.
The principles of good-breeding are all found-
ed in generosity. We must educate ourselves into
those feelings which teach us to consult the welfare
and comfort of others, and to bow ourselves to the
restraints of honor. It is only by discipline and ef-
fort that we can attain to that elevation of charact-
er. But high as the result may be, it is always obe-
dient to those endeavors; and every man may
take home to himself the assurance that time and
toil will enable him to reach the last and loftiest
MISCELLANEOUS RULES 239
conclusions in that department, and be honored and
respected by all.
Attention to Small Matters.
There is nothing, however minute in manners,
however insignificant in appearance that does not
demand some portion of attention from a well-bred
and highly-polished young man or woman. An
author of no small literary renown, has observed,
that several of the minutest habits or acts of some
individuals may give sufficient reasons to guess at
their temper. The choice of a dress, or even the
folding and sealing of a letter, will bespeak the
shrew and the scold, the careless and the negligent.
CHAPTER XVIII.
WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE
THE wife of the chief-justice, is the first lady
in the land, and takes precedence of all oth-
ers. She holds receptions and receives calls, but
she alone is excluded from all duty of returning
calls.
Next in rank comes the wife of the President.
Social Duties of the President.
It is customary for the President to give several
state dinners and official receptions during each ses-
sion of Congress. Besides these, there are also gen-
eral receptions, at which time the White House is
open to the public and any citizen of the United
States has the recognized right of paying his re-
spects to the President.
Presidential Receptions.
On the days appointed for the regular "levees" the
doors of the White House are thrown open, and the
world is indiscriminately invited to enter them.
WASHINGTON ETIQ UETTE. 241
No special dress is required to make one's ap-
pearance at this republican court, but every one
dresses according to his or her own taste or fancy.
The fashionable carriage or walking-dress is seen
side by side with the uncouth homespun of the back*
woodsman and his wife.
Nor are there any forms or ceremonies to be com-
plied with to gain admittance to the presidential
presence. You enter, an official announces you,
and you proceed directly to the President and his
wife and pay your respects. They exchange a few
words with you, and then you pass on, to make room
for the throng that is pressing behind you. You
may loiter about the rooms for a short time, chat-
ting with acquaintances or watching the shifting
panorama of faces, and then go quietly out, and the
levee is ended for you.
Private Call upon the President.
If you wish to make a private call upon the Pres-
ident, you will find it necessary to secure the com-
pany and influence of some officialor special friend
of the President. Otherwise, though you will be
readily admitted to the White House, you will prob-
ably fail in obtaining a personal interview.
Social Duties of Cabinet Officers and their
Families.
The ladies of the family of a Cabinet officer should
16
242 WASHING TON ET1Q UETTE
hold receptions every Wednesday during the season
from two or three o'clock to half-past five. On these
occasions the houses should be open to all. Refresh-
ments and an extra number of servants are provid-
ed. The refreshments for these receptions may be
plain, consisting of chocolate, tea, cakes, etc.
Every one who has called and left a card at a
Wednesday receptions is entitled to two acknowl-
edgments of the call. The first must be a returning of
the call by the ladies of the family, who at the same
time leave the official card of the minister. The
second acknowledgment of the call is an invitation
to an evening reception.
Cabinet officers are also expected to entertain at
dinners Senators, Representatives, justices of the
Supreme Court, the diplomatic corps, and many oth-
er public officers, with the ladies of their families.
The season proper for receptions is from the first
of January to the beginning of Lent. The season
for dinners lasts until the adjournment of Congress.
Social Duties of Congressmen and their
Families.
It is optional with Senators and Representatives,
as with all officers except the President and mem-
bers of the Cabinet, whether they shall "entertain."
"There is a vast expense in all this, but that is not
all. The labor and fatigue which society imposes
upon the ladies of the family of a Cabinet officer
are fairly appalling. To stand for hours during
WASHINGTON ETIQ UETTE. 243
receptions at her own house, to stand at a series of
entertainments at the houses of others whose invita-
tions courtesy requires should be accepted, and to re-
turn in person all the calls made upon her, are a
few of the duties of the wife of a high official. It
is doubtful if her husband, with the cares of state,
leads so really laborious a life."
CHAPTER XIX.
BUSINESS.
MANY will probably think that among busi-
ness men is the last place to look for polite-
ness; but in no place is it more necessary.
Many a man has lost a good customer, or missed
making a profitable bargain, by a sharp, abrupt an-
swer to a civil question.
Many pages could be compiled showing instances
where great advantages have been derived from
practising politeness and suavity in the most impor-
tant matters,. as well as in trifling business affairs.
Here, as elsewhere, the golden maxim of " doing
unto others as we wish to be done by," shines out in
resplendent brightness.
Never keep a man listening to you during busi-
ness hours. You may have all your business done
for the day, while he may be cogitating how to meet
a note or buy a cargo.
Letters asking information should always enclose
envelope and return stamp.
Avoid asking your correspondent to transact any
BUSINESS. 245
business for you, that in its nature does not admit
of repayment. Time to a business man is money.
If you should happen to be a bank teller, be as
civil to the most coarsly clad as to the most elabo-
rately dressed. Remember that the poor man of to-
day may be the millionaire of to-morrow. So that,
even as a business speculation, it pays to be polite.
The lamented George Peabody and the great
Lafltte were as approachable to the poorest, having
business with them, as if they themselves did not
own the shoes they stood in.
Politeness even to the most inferior person, like
bread cast upon the waters, may return after many
days, — even long after you may have forgotten all
about the incident.
No matter how pressing your business may be in
thronged marts or crowded banks, — if you jostle a
man, however accidentally, always raise your hat,
and look an apology, even where you have no chance
of speaking one.
Keep your temper in discussing all business affairs;
let your opponent in a controversy put himself in
the wrong if he wishes to do so; but let your calm
politeness disarm his blustering rudeness.
But if the great merchant or the great banker
owes courteous and polite treatment to those he comes
in contact with, the duty of being polite and pleas-
ant is doubly incumbent upon the rising man or the
man hoping to rise.
It is not good taste when meeting in business
246 BUSINESS.
hours to go into any long detail or discussion of mat-
ters foreign to the subject on which you have called.
Even in speaking of your business affairs, be as
brief as is consistent with clearness. Remember
that a short call in business hours is likely to be a
pleasant one.
We often hear of the rudeness of would-be aristo-
crats; but generally impoliteness departs with coarse
habits. A man would not be tolerated in good socie-
ty, however rich he might be, who brought with
him the manners of a boor.
Truly has the poet said, "'tis manners make the
man, the want of it the fellow;" and it behooves a
man in every station, and under every possible cir-
cumstance, to be as agreeable as possible to every
one he meets with.
Let your reply to any interrogation be given free-
ly and willingly, although you may not see how it
is going to benefit you.
Set an example to your clerks and other employ-
ees. Speak kindly, even where it is necessary to re-
prove them for any shortcomings.
Consideration for the feelings of others is the main
thing.
On no occasion, nor under any temptation, mis-
lead or falsify. Temporarily the advantage may
come from it eventually you are sure to be the loser.
Never by word or deed falsify in representing an
article to be better than you know it really to be.
To break an appointment is the height of ill-man-
BUSINESS. 247
ners, in any case; but to break an appointment with
a business man, is likewise a positive wrong. How
little do you know what sacrifices he may be making
to keep his engagement good.
When circumstances inevitably prevent your keep-
ing an appointment, at once write, or, what is still
better, send a special message to that effect.
Make it a rule to reply to all letters immediately.
Never even glance at any mercantile book or pa-
per which may accidentally, be left open before you.
Do not listen to any business conversation carried
on by persons near you, and which they evidently
don't desire you to overhear.
Do not inflict upon a mere business acquaintance
a tedious recital of your gains and losses. Every
man has just as much of his own affairs to think
about as he cares to employ his mind upon.
It may seem a trite remark, but true politeness is.
often shown by not neglecting to "shut the door."
^all on a business man at business times only, and
on business; transact your business, and go about
your business, in order to give him time to finish his
business.
CHAPTER XX.
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
CELEBRATING Anniversary weddings is a
very pleasant custom which is coming grad-
ually into general favor. Special anniversaries are
designated by special names, indicating the presents
suitable on each occasion.
The Paper Wedding.
The first anniversary is called the paper wed-
ding. The invitations to this wedding should be
issued on a gray paper, representing thin card-
board.
Presents from the guests are appropriate, but not
by any means obligatory. These presents, if given,
should be only of articles made of paper. Thus,
boxes of note-paper and envelopes, books, sheets of
music, engravings and delicate knickknacks of pa-
pier mache are all appropriate for this occasion.
The Wooden Wedding.
We celebrate the wooden wedding on the fifth an-
niversary of the marriage. The invitations for
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 249
this wedding, if it is desired to make them appro-
priate to the occasion, should be upon thin cards of
wood. They may also be written on a sheet of wed-
ding note-paper, and a card of wood enclosed in the
envelope.
The presents suitable to this occasion are very
numerous, and may range from a wooden paper-
knife or trifling article for kitchen use up to a com-
plete set of chamber or parlor furniture.
The Tin Wedding.
The tenth anniversary of the marriage calls for
the tin wedding. The invitations for this anniver-
sary may be made upon cards covered with tin-foil,
or upon the ordinary wedding note-paper, with a
tin card enclosed.
Those guests, who desire to accompany their con-
gratulations with appropriate presents, have the
whole list of articles manufactured by the tinner
from which to select.
The Crystal Wedding.
Next in order comes the crystal wedding being
the fifteenth anniversary. Invitations to this wed-
ding may be on thin transparent paper, on colored
sheets of prepared gelatine or on ordinary wedding
note-paper, enclosing a sheet of mica.
The guests make their offerings to their host and
hostess of trifles of glass, which are more or less
valuable, as the donor feels inclined.
260 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
The China Wedding.
The china wedding takes place on the twen-
tieth anniversary of the wedding-day. Invitations
to this anniversary wedding should be issued on
exceedingly fine, semi-transparent note-paper or
cards.
Various articles for the dining or tea-table or for
the toilet-stand, vases or mantel ornaments, all are
appropriate on this occasion.
The Silver Wedding.
The silver wedding is celebrated on the twenty-
fifth marriage anniversary. The invitations given
for this wedding should be upon the finest note-pa-
per, printed in bright silver, with monogram or
crest upon both paper and envelope, in silver also.
If presents are offered by any of the guests, they
should be of silver, and may be mere trifles or more
expensive, as the means and inclinations of the do-
nors incline them to present.
The Golden Wedding.
At the close of the fiftieth year of married life is
the time for the golden wedding. Fifty years of
married happiness should indeed be crowned with
gold.
The invitations for this anniversary celebration
should be printed on the finest note-paper in gold,
with crest or monogram on both envelope and pa-
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 251
per in highly-burnished gold. The presents, if any,
are also in gold.
The Diamond Wedding.
Few, there are that celebrate their diamond wed-
ding. This is celebrated on the seventy -fifth anni-
versary of the marriage-day. So rare is this occur-
rence that custom has given us no particular style
or form to be observed in the invitations. These
invitations may be issued upon diamond-shaped
cards, enclosed in envelopes of a corresponding
shape. There can be no general offering of presents
at such a wedding, since diamonds in any number
are beyond the means of most persons.
Presents at Anniversary Weddings.
It is not required that an invitation to an anni-
versary wedding be acknowledged by a valuable
gift, or indeed by any. The donors on such occa-
sions are usually only members of the family or in-
timate friends.
On the celebration of golden or silver weddings
it is a good plan to have printed at the bottom of
the invitation the words "No presents," or to enclose
a card reading thus:
"It is preferred that no wedding gifts be offered."
It is perfectly proper, though not at all obliga-
tory, at the earlier anniversaries to present trifles in
paper, wood, tin, glass or china, which, if well chos-
en, often add to the amusement and sociability of
the evening.
252 ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS.
Invitations to Anniversary Weddings.
The invitations on these occasions may vary-
somewhat in their wordings, according to the fancy
of the writer, but they are all similar. They should
give the date of the marriage, also the anniversary.
They may or may not give the name of the husband
at the right-hand side and the maiden name of the
wife at the left. What the anniversary is should al-
so be stated.
The following form will serve as a model:
1852-1877.
The pleasure of your company is requested at the
Silver Wedding Reception
of
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Ellsworth,
On Thursday evening, May 17th, at nine oclock.
348, Monroe Street.
R. S. V. P.
By varying the dates and inserting in the place
of the word "silver," of "paper," "wooden," "tin,"
"crystal," "china," "golden," or "diamond," this
form will be equally suitable for any of the other
anniversary weddings.
Marriage Ceremony at Anniversary Weddings
It is quite common to have the marriage ceremo-
ny repeated at these anniversary weddings, more
ANNIVERSARY WEDDINGS. 253
especially at the silver or golden wedding. The
earlier anniversaries are rather too trivial occasions
upon which to introduce this ceremony, especially
since the parties may not yet have had sufficient
time to discover whether an application for divorce
may not yet be deemed necessary by one or the other.
But there is a certain impressiveness in seeing a hus-
band and wife who have remained faithful to each
other for a quarter or half a century publicly re-
newing their vows of fidelity and love, which then
can only mean "till death us do part." The clergy-
man who officiates on this occasion will of course so
change the exact words of the marriage ceremony
as to make them perfectly appropriate to the occa-
sion.
CHAPTER XXI.
FUNERALS.
ALL manner of ostentation at funerals, should
be carefully avoided. Mourning is rejected
by many persons of intelligence, who think it a temp-
tation to extravagance, and who regard it, moreover'
as requiring too much thought and trouble when
the mind is overwhelmed with real grief.
The hired mutes and heavy trappings of woe
which are still in use in England are entirely aban-
doned in this country.
Invitations to a Funeral.
On the mournful occasion when death takes place,
the most proper course is to announce the decease
in the newspaper. An intimation that friends will
kindly accept such notice appended to the announce-
ment saves a large amount of painful correspon-
dence.
Near relations, and those whose presence is desired
at the funeral, should be communicated with by let-
ter, upon mourning paper; the depth of the mourn-
FUNERALS. 255
ing border depending on the age, or position, of the
deceased.
Private invitations are usually printed in forms
something like the following:
" You are respectfully invited to attend the funeral
of John Jones on Friday, June 3, 18 — , at 11 a. m„
from his late residence, 417 Washington street (or
from Grace M. E. Church.) To proceed to Grace-
wood Cemetery.
These invitations should be delivered by a pri-
vate messenger.
Whether other invitations are sent or not, notes
must be sent to those who are desired to act as pall-
bearers.
Charge op Affairs at a Funeral.
The arrangements for the funeral are usually left
to the undertaker, who best knows how to proceed,
and who will save the family of the deceased all
the cares and annoyances at the time they are least
fitted to meet them.
Such details as usually do not fall to the under-
taker are entrusted to some relative or friend who
is acquainted with business. This friend should have
an interview with the family or some representative
of it, and learn what their wishes may be and re-
ceive from them a limit of expenses.
Expense of Funeral.
As to this limit, let it be born in mind that it
256 FUNERALS.
should alwaysbe according to the means of the fami-
ly; that nothing can excuse an extravagance and dis-
play at a funeral which must be indulged in at the
expense of privation afterward, or perhaps, worse
still, at that of the creditors. Pomp and display
are at all times out of keeping with the solemn occa-
sion and inconsistent with real grief
General Rules of Etiquette concerning
Houses of Mourning.
No one should call upon a bereaved family while
the dead remains in the house, and they are excus-
able if they refuse to see friends and relatives.
Upon a death occurring in a house, it is desirable
that some outward sign should be given to keep
away casual visitors. The usual means of doing
this is by tying black crape upon the bell or door-
knob, with a black ribbon if the person is married
or advanced in years, with a white one if young and
unmarried. The customs of different localities des-
ignate when this crape should be removed.
Conveyances for a Funeral.
For those friends specially invited, carriages should
be furnished to take them to the cemetery. A list
of invited persons should be given to the undertak-
er, that he may know the order in which they are to
be placed in the carriages.
Exhibiting the Corpse.
If the guests are invited to go from the house to
FUNERALS. 257
the church, the corpse is usually exposed in the
drawing-room, while the family are assembled in
another apartment. If the guests go directly to the
church, the coffin is placed in front of the chancel,
and after the services the lid is removed and friends
pass up one aisle, past the coffin, from the feet to the
head, and down the other aisle out.
Receiving Guests at a Funeral.
If the services are held at the house, some near
friend or relative will receive the guests. The ladies
of the family do not show themselves at all. The
gentleman may do as they please.
Proceeding to the Cemetery.
The procession moves from the door just one hour
after the time set for the funeral.
In England the male friends only, follow the corpse
to its final resting place. In this country it is prop-
er for the female friends and relatives to do so if they
desire it, as they generally do.
The carriage occupied by the clergyman precedes
the hearse. The carriage immediately following the
hearse is occupied by the nearest relatives, the fol-
lowing carriages by the more remote relations.
While the mourners pass out to enter the carria-
ges the guests stand with uncovered heads. No sal-
utations are given or received. The person who has
been selected to officiate as superintendent of cere-
monies assists the mourners to enter and alight from
the carriages.
17
258 FUNERALS.
Sometimes the private carriage of the deceased is
placed in the procession, empty, immediately behind
the hearse.
The horse of a deceased mounted officer, fully
equipped and draped in mourning, may be led im-
mediately after the hearse.
In towns and villages where the cemetery is near
at hand it is customary for all to proceed to it on
foot. The hat must be removed when the coffin is
carried from the hearse to the church or back, when
the guests may form a double line, between which
it passes.
At the cemetery the clergyman or priest walks in
advance of the coffin.
Flowers at a Funeral.
It is the custom to deck the corpse and coffin
with flowers, but it is somewhat expensive. Upon the
coffin of an infant or a young person a wreath of
flowers should be placed, upon that of a married
person a cross. These flowers should always be
white. Friends sending flowers should send them
in time to be used for decorative purposes.
Other Decorations upon the Coffin.
If the deceased be a person of rank he generally
bears some insignia of his rank upon his coffin-lid.
Thus, a deceased army or naval officer will have
his coffin covered with the national flag, and his hat,
epaulettes, sword and sash laid upon the lid.
FUNERALS. 259
After the Funeral.
Guests should not return to the house of mourn-
ing after the funeral. "In some sections it is cus-
tomary to conclude the ceremonies of the day with
a dinner or banquet, but this is grossly out of place
and not to be tolerated by any one of common sense
and refinement. If friends have come from a dis-
tance, it may sometimes be a matter of necessity to
extend a brief hospitality to them; but if the guests
can avoid this necessity, they should do so. This
hospitality should be of the quietest sort, and in no
manner become an entertainment.
It is the crudest blow which can be given be-
reaved friends to fill the house with strangers or in-
different acquaintances and the sound of feasting at
a time when they desire of all things to be left alone
with their sorrw."
Notification of Death.
An English custom, which is beginning to be
adopted in America, is to send cards deeply edged
in black to relatives and friends upon which are
printed or engraved the name of the deceased, with
his age and date of his death. These cards must
be immediately acknowledged by letters of condo-
lence and offers of assistance, but on no account by
personal visits within a short time after the fu-
neral.
Obligation to Attend a Funeral.
Every one except those who are themselves in
260 FUNERALS.
deep affliction are under obligation to attend a fu-
neral to which they have been invited.
Seclusion op the Bereaved Family.
No one of the immediate family of the deceased
should leave the house between the time of the
death and the funeral. A lady friend should make
all necessary purchases and engage seamstresses, etc.
Period of Mourning.
On this subject we quote from a modern writer
who says:
"Those who wish to show themselves strict obser-
vers of etiquette keep their houses in twilight se-
clusion and sombre with mourning for a year, or
more, allowing the piano to remain closed for the
same length of time. But in this close observance
of the letter of the law its spirit is lost entirely.
It is not desirable to enshroud ourselves in gloom
after a bereavement, no matter how great it has been.
It is our duty to ourselves and to the world to re-
gain our cheerfulness as soon as we may, and ail
that conduces to this we are religiously bound to ac-
cept, whether it be music, the bright light of heaven,
cheerful clothing or the society of friends.
At all events, the moment we begin to chafe
against the requirements of etiquette, grow wearied
of the darkened room, long for the open piano and
look forward impatiently to the time when we may
lay aside our mourning, from that moment we are
FUNERALS. 261
slaves to a law which was originally made to serve
us in allowing us to do unquestioned what was sup-
posed to be in true harmony with our gloomy feel-
ings.
The woman who wears the badge of widowhood
for exactly two years to a day, and then puts it off
suddenly for ordinary colors, and who possibly has
already contracted an engagement for a second mar-
riage during these two years of supposed mourning,
confesses to a slavish hypocrisy in making an osten-
tatious show of a grief which has long since died a
natural (and shall we not say a desirable?) death.
In these respects let us be natural, and let us
moreover, remember that, though the death of
friends brings us real and heartfelt sorrow, yet it is
still a time for rejoicing for their sakes."
CHAPTER XXII.
DRESS.
ATTENTION to one's person, as well as to
their reputation, is very necessary. If van-
ity, pride or prudery, have frequently given to these
attentions the names of coquetry, ambition or folly,
it is no reason why they should be neglected.
First Impressions.
First impressions are apt to be permanent; it is
therefore of importance that they should be favora-
ble. The dress of an individual is that circumstance
from which you first form your opinion of him. It
is even more prominent than manner. It is indeed
the only thing which is remarked in a casual encoun-
ter, or during the first interview.
What style is to our thoughts, dress is to our per-
sons. It may supply the place of more solid quali-
ties, and without it the most solid are of little avail.
Numbers have owed their elevation to their atten-
tion to the toilet. Place, fortune, marriage have all
been lost by neglecting it.
DRESS. 263
Consistency in Deess.
Your dress should always be consistent with your
age and your natural exterior. That which looks
ill on one person, will be agreeable on another. As
success in this respect depends almost entirely upon
particular circumstances and personal peculiarities,
it is impossible to give general directions of much
importance. We can only point out the field for
study and research, it belongs to each one's own
genius and industry to deduce the results. Howev-
er ugly you may be, rest assured that there is some
style of habiliment wrhich will make you passable.
Plain Dressing.
The plainest dress is always the most genteel, and
a lady that dresses plainly will never be dressed un-
fashionably.
Next to plainness in every well-dressed lady is
neatness of dress and taste in the selection of colors.
Too Rich Dressing.
If we were allowed to say anything to the ladies
concerning dress in a dictatorial way, and were sure
of being obeyed, we should order them generally to
dress less. How often do we see a female attired in
the height of fashion, perfectly gorgeous in costume,
sweeping along the dusty street, perspiring under
the weight of her finery — dressed, in fact, in a man-
ner fit only for a carriage. This is a very mistaken
264 DRESS.
and absurd fashion, and such people would be as-
tonished to see the simplicity of real aristocracy as
regards dress.
Elegant Dressing.
Some ladies perhaps imagining that they are defi-
cient in personal charms — and we are willing to be-
lieve that there are such, although the Chesterfield-
ian school of philosophers would ridicule the idea —
endeavor to make their clothes the spell of their at-
traction. With this end in view, they labor by lav-
ish expenditure to supply in expensive adornment
what they lack in beauty of form or feature. Un-
fortunately for their success, elegant dressing does
not depend upon expense. A lady might wear the
costliest silks that Italy could produce, adorn herself
with laces from Brussels which years of patient toil
are required to fabricate; she might carry the jewels
of an Eastern princess around her neck and upon
her wrists and fingers, yet still, in appearance, be es-
sentially vulgar. These were as nothing without
grace, without adaptation, without a harmonious
blending of colors, without the exercise of discrim-
ination and good taste.
Appropriate and Becoming Dress.
The most appropriate and becoming dress is that
which so harmonizes with the figure as to make the
apparel unobserved. When any particular portion
of it excites the attention, there is a defect, for the
DRESS. 265
details should not present themselves first but the
result of perfect dressing should be an elegant woman,
the dress commanding no especial regard. Men are
but indifferent judges of the material of a lady's
dress; in fact, they care nothing about the matter.
A modest countenance and pleasing figure, habited
in an inexpensive attire, would win more attention
from men, than awkwardness and effrontery, clad in
the richest satins and the costliest gems.
Neglect op Dress.
There are occasionally to be found among both
sexes, persons who neglect their dress through a ri-
diculous affectation of singularity, and who take
pride in being thought utterly indifferent to their
personal appearance. Millionaires are very apt to
manifest this characteristic, but with them it gener-
ally arises through a miserly penuriousness of dis-
position; their imitators, however, are even more de-
ficient than they in common sense.
Habitual Attention to Attire.
Lavater has urged that persons habitually atten-
tive to their attire, display the same regularity in
their domestic affairs. He also says: "Young wom-
en who neglect their toilet and manifest little con-
cern about dress, indicate a general disregard of
order — a mind but ill adapted to the details of house-
keeping— a deficiency of taste and of the qualities
that inspire love."
266 DRESS.
An Amiable Exterior.
The desire of exhibiting an amiable exterior is
essentially requisite in a young lady, for it indicates
cleanliness, sweetness, a love of order and propriety,
and all those virtues which are attractive to their
associates, and particularly to those of the other sex.
Chesterfield asserts that a sympathy goes through
every action of our lives, and that he could not help
conceiving some idea of people's sense and character
from the dress in which they appeared when intro-
duced to him.
Another writer has remarked that he never yet
met with a woman whose general style of dress was
chaste, elegant and appropriate, that he did not
find her on further acquaintance to be, in dispo-
sition and mind, an object to admire and love.
Dress the Appropriate finish of Beauty.
The fair sex have the reputation of being passion-
ately fond of dress, and the love of it has been said
to be natural to women. We are not disposed to
deny it, but we do not regard it as a weakness nor a
peculiarity to be condemned. Dress is the appro-
priate finish of beauty. Some one has said that,
"Without dress a handsome person is a gem, but a
gem that is not set, But dress," he further remarks,
" must be consistent with the graces and with na-
ture.
DRESS. 267
Taste.
"Taste," says a celebrated divine, "requires a con-
gruity between the internal character and the exter-
nal appearance; the imagination will involuntarily
form to itself an idea of such a correspondence.
First ideas are, in general, of considerable conse-
quence. I should therefore think it wise in the fe-
male world to take care that their appearance should
not convey a forbidding idea to the most superficial
observer."
Simplicity in Dress.
As we have already remarked, the secret of per-
fect dressing is simplicity, costliness being no essen-
tial element of real elegance. We have to add that
everything depends upon the judgment and good
taste of the wearer. These should always be a har-
monious adaptation of one article of attire to anoth-
er, as also to the size, figure and complexion of the
wearer. There should be a correspondence in all
parts of a lady's toilet, so as to present a perfect en-
tirety. Thus, when we see a female of light, deli-
cate complexion, penciling her eyebrows until they
are positively black, we cannot but entertain a con-
tempt for her lack of taste and good sense. There
is a harmony in nature's tints which art can never
equal, much less improve.
Delicacy and Harmony.
A fair face is generally accompanied by blue eyes,
268 DBESS.
light hair, eyebrows and lashes. There is a delica-
cy and harmonious blending of correspondences
which are in perfect keeping; but if you sully the
eyebrows with blackness, you destroy all similitude
of feature and expression, and almost present a de-
formity.
Using Paints.
We cannot but allude to the practice of using
paints, a habit strongly to be condemned. If for no
other reason than that poison lurks beneath every
layer, inducing paralytic affections and premature
death, they should be discarded — but they are a dis-
guise which deceives no one, even at a distance;
there is a ghastly deathliness in the appearance of
the skin after it has been painted, which is far re-
moved from the natural hue of health.
Color and Complexion.
A lady has to consider what colors best suit her
complexion. Blue, for instance, never looks well
upon those of a dark complexion; nor pink upon
those of a florid complexion. Yellow is a very try-
ing color, and can only be worn by the rich-toned
brunettes. Attention to these particulars is most
important. Longitudinal stripes in a lady's dress
make her appear taller than she really is, and are,
therefore, appropriate for a person of short stature.
Flounces give brevity to the figure, and are there-
fore only adapted to tall persons.
IT
DRESS. 269
Every article of dress should be well made, how-
ever plain the style, or inexpensive the material.
Dress to suit the Occasion.
The dress should always be adapted to the occa-
sion. Nothing is more proper for the morning than
a loosely made dress, high in the neck, with sleeves
fastened at the wrist with a band, and belt. It looks
well, and is convenient. For a walking dress, the
skirt should be allowed only just to touch the ground;
for while a train looks well in the drawing-room,
and is inconspicuous in a carriage or opera-box, it
serves a very ignoble purpose in sweeping the street.
Ladies' shoes for walking should be substantial,
to keep the feet dry and warm. If neatly made
and well fitted, they need not be clumsy.
Hats are now fashionable for morning walks, and
they are both pretty and convenient.
Evening Dress.
Evening dress means full dress, in the common
acceptation of the term. It will serve for dinner,
opera, evening-party, everything but the ball. Ball
dresses are special. With regard to evening dress
and ball dress no explicit directions can be given.
The fashion-books declare what is to be worn, and
the dressmaker is the interpreter of the fashion.
Still, individual taste should be exerted, and no
slavish adherance given in to fashion at the sacri-
fice of grace or elegance.
f
270 DRESS.
Bright-colored Gloves.
Deep and bright-colored gloves are always in bad
taste; very few persons are careful enough in select-
ing gloves. Light boots and dark dresses, dark
boots and light dresses, are indicative of bad taste.
A girl with neatly and properly dressed feet, with
neat, well-fitting gloves, smoothly-arranged hair, and
a clean well-made dress, — who walks well, and speaks
well, and above all, acts politely and kindly, is a
lady. Fine acts and obtrusive airs are abashed be-
fore such propriety and good taste. Fine feathers
do not always make fine birds.
Never Dress above your Station.
Never dress above your station; it is a grevious
mistake, and leads to great evils, besides being the
proof of an utter want of taste.
Care more for the nice fitting of your dress than
for its material. An ill-made silk is not equal in its
appearance to the plainest material well made.
Thinking about your Dress.
Never appear to be thinking about your dress, but
wear the richest clothes and the plainest with equal
simplicity. Nothing so destroys a good manner as
thinking of what we have on. Never keep a morn-
ing visitor waiting while you change your dress.
You ought always to be fit to be seen; and it is bet-
ter to present yourself in your ordinary attire than
PRESS. 271
to be guilty of the ill-breeding of keeping your ac-
quaintance waiting while you make an elaborate
toilettte.
Never spend more than you can afford on your
dress; but endeavor by care, neatness, and ingenui-
ty, to make up for expenditure.
Morning-dress for Home.
A dress for morning wear at home may be more
simple than for visiting, or for hotel or boarding-
house. A busy housewife will find it desirable to
protect her dress with an ample apron. The hair
should be plainly arranged, without ornament.
Morning-dress for Visitor.
For breakfasting in public or at the house of a friend
a wrapper is not allowable. A dress with a closely-
fitting waist should be worn. This for summer may
be of cambric, or other wash-goods, either white or
figured; in winter plain wToolen goods, simply made
should be adopted.
Morning-dress for Street.
The morning-dress for the street should be plain
in color and make, and of serviceable material.
The dress should be short enough to clear the ground.
White skirts are out of place, the colored ones now
found everywhere in stores being much more appro-
priate.
In stormy weather a large waterproof with hood
272 BBESS.
will be found more convenient than an umbrella,
which is troublesome to carry and often difficult to
manage.
The hat should be plain and inexpensive, match-
ing the dress as nearly as possible, and displaying-
no superfluous ornament.
Jewelry is out of place in any of the errands
which take a lady from her home in the morning.
Lisle thread gloves in summer and cloth ones in
winter will be found more serviceable than kid ones.
Linen collar and cuffs are more suitable than elab-
orate neck and wrist dressing. Walking-boots of
kid should be worn.
Business Woman's Dress.
There are many women who are engaged in busi-
ness of some sort that it seems necessary that they
should have a distinct dress suited to their special
wants. This dress need not be so peculiar as to
mark them for objects of observation, but still it
should differ from the ordinary walking-costume.
Its material as a rule should, be more serviceable,
better fitted to endure the vicissitudes of weather,
and of plain colors, such as browns or grays.
For winter wear, waterproof tastefully made up is
the very best material for a business woman's dress.
This costume should not be made with plain sim-
plicity, but it should at least dispense with all su-
perfluities in the way of trimming. It should be
made with special reference to easy locomotion and
to the free use of the hands and arms.
DRESS. 273
The Promenade.
The dress for the promenade admits of greater
richness in material and variety in trimming than
that of the business or errand dress. It should how-
ever, display no two incongruous colors, and had
best be in one tint, except where a contrasting or
harmonizing color is introduced in the way of or-
nament.
In the country walking-dresses must be made for
service rather than display, and what would be per-
fectly appropriate for the streets of a city would be
entirely out of place on the muddy, unpaved walks
or paths of a small town or among the unpretend-
ing population of a country neighborhood.
Material of a Walking Suit.
The material of a walking-suit may be as rich or
as plain as the wearer's taste may dictate or means
justify, but it must always be well made and never
be allowed to grow shabby. It is better to avoid
bright colors and use them only in decoration.
Black has come to be adopted very generally for
street-dresses; but while it is becoming for most in-
dividuals, it gives to the promenade a somewhat som-
bre look.
The dress for the promenade should be in perfect
harmony with itself. One article should not be new
and another shabby. The gloves should not be of
one color, the bonnet of another, and the parasol of
18
274 DRESS.
a third. All the colors worn should at least har-
monize.
A lady who wishes to maintain a reputation for
always being well dressed will be scrupulous in suit-
ing her toilet to the special occasion for which it is
worn. She will not appear on foot upon the streets
in a dress suited only for the carriage, nor will she
either walk or drive in a costume appropriate alone
for the house.
Carriage-dress.
The dress for a drive through the streets of a city
or along a fashionable drive or park can not be too
rich in material. Silks, velvets and laces are all ap-
propriate, with rich jewelry and costly furs.
The carriage-dress may be long enough to trail
if fashion so indicates, though many prefer using the
walking-dress length.
For country driving a different style of dress is
required as protection against the mud or dust. It
seems hardly necessary to describe the dress for
country driving, we presume every lady is capable
of selecting for herself, since the dress is worn for
protection and not for show.
Riding-Dress.
There is no place where a woman appears to bet-
ter advantage than upon horseback. We will take
it for granted that our lady has acquired properly
the art of riding. Next she must be provided with
DRESS. 275
a suitable habit. Her habit should fit perfectly
without being tight. The skirt should be full and
long enough to cover the feet, while it is best to omit
the extreme length, which subjects the dress to mud-
spatterings and may prove a serious entanglement
in case of accident.
Waterproof is the most serviceable for a riding
costume. Something lighter may be worn in sum-
mer. In the lighter costume a row or two of shot
should be stitched in the bottom of the breadths to
keep the skirt from blowing up in the wind.
The riding-dress should be made to fit the waist
closely and buttoned nearly to the throat.
Coat sleeves should come to the wrist, with linen
cuffs beneath them.
It is well to have the waist attached to a skirt of
the usual length and the long skirt fastened over it,
so that if any mishap obliges the lady to dismount
she may easily remove the long overskirt and still be
properly dressed.
The shape of the hat will vary with the fashion,
but it should always be plainly trimmed ; and if
feathers are worn, they must be fastened so that the
wind cannot possibly blow them over the wearer's
eyes.
All ruffling, puffing or bows in the trimming of
a riding-dress is out of place. If trimming is used
it should be put on in perfectly flat bands or be of
braiding.
The hair must be put up compactly, neither curls
276 DRESS.
nor veil should be allowed to stream in the wind.
No jewelry except what is absolutely required to fas-
ten the dress, and that of the plainest kind, is allow-
able.
Dress for Receiving Calls.
The dress of a hostess differs with the occasion
on which she is called to receive her callers, and
also with the social position and means of the
wearer.
A lady whose mornings are devoted to domestic
affairs may and should receive a casual caller in her
ordinary morning-dress, which should be neat yet
plain, devoid of superfluous ornaments or jewelry
If a lady appoints a special day for the reception
of calls, she should be dressed with more care to do
honor to her visitors. Her dress may be of silk or
other goods suitable to the season or to her position,
but must be of plain colors.
White plain linen collar and cuffs belong to the
plain morning-dress; lace may be worn with the cer-
emonious dress, and a certain amount of jewelry is
also admissible.
For New Year's or other special calls the dress
should be rich, and may be elaborately trimmed.
Dress of Hostess.
The hostess' dress should be rich in material, but
subdued in tone, in order that she may not eclipse
any of her guests. A young hostess should wear a
DRESS. 277
dress of rich silk, black or dark in color, with collar
and cuffs of fine lace, and plain jewelry, or, if the
dinner is by gaslight, glittering stones.
An elderly lady may wear satin or velvet, with
rich lace.
Dinner-dress.
We do not in this country, as in England, expose
the neck and arms at a dinner-party. These should
be covered, if not by the dress itself, then by lace or
muslin overwaist.
Dress op Guests at Dinner-party.
The dress of a guest at a dinner-party is less
showy than that for evening; still, it may be rich.
Silks and velvets for winter, and light goods for sum-
mer, which latter may be worn over silk, are the
most appropriate.
Young unmarried ladies* may wear dresses of
lighter materials and tints than married ones. Mid-
dle-aged and married ladies should wear silks heav-
ier in quality and richer in tone, and elderly ladies
satins and velvets.
All the light neutral tints and black, purple, dark
green, garnet, dark blue, brown and fawn are suited
for dinner dress. But whatever color the dress may
be, it is best to try its effect by gaslight and day-
light both, since many a color which will look well
in daylight may look extremely ugly in gaslight.
A lady can lay no claim to delicacy and refine-
278 DRESS.
ment no matter how richly or well dressed she may
appear in public, if she do not give an equal amount
of attention to her home-dress. This dress need not
be expensive and should not be elaborate, but neat,
tasteful, of perfect fit and becoming colors.
Ordinary Evening-dress.
A lady should always be prepared for casual call-
ers in the evening. Her dress should be tasteful
and becoming, made with a certain amount of or-
nament and worn with lace and jewelry. Silks are
the most appropriate for this dress, but all the heavy
woolen fabrics for winter and the lighter lawns and
organdies for summer, elegantly made, are suitable.
The colors should be rich and warm for winter,
and knots of bright ribbon should be worn in the
hair and at the throat. The former should be dress-
ed plainly, with no ornament save a ribbon. Arti-
ficial flowers are out of place, and glittering gems
are only worn on more important occasions.
Dress for Evening Call.
Those who make a casual evening call will dress
in similar style, though somewhat more elaborate.
A hood should not be worn unless it is intended to
remove it during the call. Otherwise a bonnet
should be worn.
Dress for Social Party.
For the evening-party the rules just given regard-
DRESS. 279
ing dress will apply, except that more latitude is
allowed in the choice of colors, trimmings, etc.
Dresses covering the arms and shoulders should be
worn; or if they are cut low in the neck and with
short sleeves, puffed illusion waists or something
similar should be used to cover the neck and arms.
Dark silks are very dressy — relieved by white lace
and glittering gems — they are admirable. Wearing
gloves is optional. If worn, they should be of some
light tint harmonizing with the dress.
The Soiree and Ball.
These occasions call for the richest dress. The
former usually requires dark colors and heavy
material, the latter lighter tints and goods. The
richest velvets, the brightest and most delicate tints
in silks, the most expensive laces, low neck and
short sleeves, elaborate head-dress, the greatest dis-
play of gems, flowers, etc., all belong more or less to
these occasions.
Still, it is possible to be over-dressed. It is best to
aim at being as well dressed as the rest, yet not to
outdo them or render one's self conspicuous.
White kid gloves and white satin boots belong to
these costumes unless the overdress is of black lace,
when black satin boots or slippers are required.
The dress to be worn in public should always be
suited to the place where it is to appear. For church
the material should be rich rather than showy. For
the opera the extreme of brilliancy is allowable.
280 DRESS.
Dress for Church.
The dress for church should be plain and simple.
It should be of dark, plain colors for winter, and
there should be no superfluous trimming or jewelry.
It should, in fact, be the plainest of promenade-
dresses, since church is not a place for the display
of elaborate toilets, and no woman of consideration
would wish to make her own expensive and showy
toilet an excuse to another woman, who could not
afford to dress in a similar manner, for not attend-
ing church.
Dress for the Theatre.
The ordinary promenade-dress is suitable for the
theatre, with the addition of a handsome shawl or
cloak, which may be thrown aside if uncomfortable.
Either the bonnet or hat may be worn. In some
cities it is customary to remove the bonnet in the
theatre — a custom which is sanctioned by good sense
and a consideration of those who sit behind, but
which has not yet the authority of etiquette. The
dress should be, in all respects, plain, without any
attempt at display. Gloves should be dark, and har-
monize with the costume.
Dress for Lecture and Concert.
Lecture and concert-halls call for a little more
elaborate toilet. Silk is the most appropriate mate-
rial for the dress, and should be worn with lace col-
lar and cuffs and jewelry. White or light kid gloves
DBESS. 281
should be worn. A rich shawl or opera cloak is an
appropriate finish. The latter may be kept on the
shoulders during the evening. The handkerchief
should be fine and delicate; the fan of a color to
harmonize with the dress.
Dress for the Opera.
The opera calls out the richest of all dresses. A
lady goes to the opera not only to see but to be seen,
and her dress must be adopted with a full realiza-
tion of the thousand gaslights which will bring out
its merits or defects.
The material of the dress should be heavy enough
to bear the crush of the place, rich in color and
splendid in its arrangement. The headdress should
be of flowers, ribbons, lace or feathers — whatever
may be the prevailing style — the head should be
uncovered. If, however, it is found necessary to
have the head protected, a bonnet or hat of the light-
est character should be worn.
Jewelry of the heaviest and richest description is
worn on this occasion, and there is no place where
the glitter of gems will be seen to better advantage.
White kid gloves or those of light delicate tints
should be worn.
A most important adjunct to an opera-costume is
the cloak or wrap. This may be of white or of some
brilliant color. Scarlet and gold, white and gold,
green and gold or Roman stripe are all very effect-
ive when worn with appropriate dresses.
282 DRESS.
Either black or white lace may be adopted with
advantage in an opera-dress. Purple, pink, orange
and most light tints require black lace, while the
neutral shades may be worn with either black or
white.
Yellow and blue should be avoided in an opera-
dress, as neither bears the light well. Green re-
quires gold as a contrasting color; crimson, black.
The fan, the bouquet and handkerchief must all
have due consideration and be in keeping with the
other portions of the dress. Thus a lady in pink
should avoid a bouquet in which scarlet flowers pre-
dominate. *
Croquet and Skating Costumes.
Both call for a greater brilliancy in color than
any other out-of-door costume. They should both be
short, displaying a handsomely fitting boot.
Croquet gloves should be soft and washable; skat-
ing gloves thick and warm.
The hat for croquet should have a broad brim, so
as to shield the face from the sun and render a par-
asol unnecessary.
Velvet trimmed with fur, with turban hat of the
same, and gloves and boots also fur bordered, com-
bine to make the most elegant skating costume im-
aginable. But any of the soft, warm, bright-colored
woolen fabrics are quite as suitable, if not so rich.
A costume of Scotch plaid is in excellent taste. Silk
is unsuitable for a skating costume.
DRESS. 283
The boot should be amply loose, or the wearer will
suffer with cold or frozen feet.
Costumes for Country and Sea-side.
We cannot give a full description of the ward-
robe which the lady of fashion desires to take with
her to the country or sea-side. But there are a few
general rules which apply to many things, and which
all must more or less observe. Let the wardrobe be
ever so large there must be a certain number of
costumes suited for ordinary wear. Thus, dresses,
while they may be somewhat brighter in tint than
good taste would justify in the streets of a city, must
yet be durable in quality and of material which
can be washed. The brim of the hat should be broad
to protect the face from the sun. The fashion of
making hats of shirred muslin is a very sensible
one, as it enables them to be done up when they are
soiled. The boots should be strong and durable.
A waterproof is an indispensable article to the so-
journer at country resorts.
Bathing Costumes.
The bathing-dress should be made of flannel. A
soft gray tint is the neatest, as it does not soon fade
and grow ugly from contact with salt water. It may
be trimmed with bright worsted braid. The best
style is a loose sacque or the yoke waist, both of them
to be belted in and falling about midway between
the knee and the ankle. Full trowsers gathered in-
284 DRESS.
to a band at the ankle, an oilskin cap to protect the
hair, which becomes harsh in the salt water, and
socks of the color of the dress complete the costume.
Costumes for Traveling.
There is no place where the true lady is more
plainly indicated than in traveling. A lady's travel-
ing costume should be neat and plain,without super-
fluous ornament of any kind.
The first consideration in a traveling-dress is com-
fort; the second, protection from the dust and stains
of travel.
For a short journey, in summer a linen duster
may be put on over the ordinary dress, in winter a
waterproof cloak may be used in the same way.
But a lady making a long journey will find it
more convenient to have a traveling-suit made ex-
pressly. Linen is used in summer, as the dust is so
easily shaken from it and it can be readily washed.
In winter a waterproof dress and sacque are the most
serviceable.
There are a variety of materials especially adapt-
ed for traveling costumes, of soft neutral tints and
smooth surfaces, which do not catch dust. These
should be made up plain and short.
The underskirts should be colored woolen in win-
ter, linen in summer. Nothing displays vulgarity
and want of breeding so much as a white petticoat
in traveling.
Gloves should be of Lisle thread in summer and
BBESS. 285
cloth in winter. Thick soled boots, stout and dur-
able. The hat or bonnet should be plainly trimmed
and protected by a large veil. Velvet is not fit for
a traveling-hat, as it catches and retains the dust.
Plain linen collars and cuffs finish the costume.
The hair should be put up in the plainest manner
possible.
A waterproof and a warm woolen shawl are in-
dispensable in traveling. Also a satchel or basket,
in which may be kept a change of collars, cuffs,
gloves, handkerchiefs and toilet articles.
A traveling-dress should be well supplied with
pockets. The waterproof should have large pock-
ets; so should the sacque.
In an underskirt there should be a pocket in
which to carry all money not needed for immediate
use. The latter may be entrusted to the portemon-
naie in the ordinary pocket, or in the bosom of the
dress.
Going to Europe.
"An elastic valise and a hand-satchel, at the side
of which is strapped a waterproof," are enough bag-
gage to start with. "In the valise changes of linen,
consisting of two garments, night-gowns and 'angel'
drawers. These latter are made of cotton or linen,
and consist of a waist cut like a plain corset-cover,
but extending all in one piece in front with the
drawers, which button on the side. Usually the
waists of these drawers are made without sleeves or
286 DfiESS.
with only a short cap at the top of the arm, but for
a European trip it is advisable to add sleeves to the
waist, so that cuffs — paper cuffs if preferred — can
be buttoned to them. Thus, in one garment easily
made, easily removed, and as easily washed as a
ohemise, is comprised drawers, chemise, corset-cover
and undersleeves, the whole occupying no more
room than any single article of underwear, and sav-
ing the trouble attending the care and putting on
of many pieces. A gauze flannel vest underneath
is perhaps a necessary precaution, and ladies who
wear corsets can place them next to this. Over
these the single garment mentioned adds all that is
required in the way of underwear, except two skirts
and small light hair-cloth tournure.
" Of dresses three are required — one a traveling-
dress of brown de bege, a double calico wrapper and
a black or hair-striped silk. The latter is best, be-
cause it is light, because it does not take dust, be-
cause it does not crush easily and because by judi-
cious making and management it can be arranged
into several costumes, which will serve for city sight-
seeing throughout the journey and be good after-
ward to bring home. Then, if there is room, an old
black silk or black alpaca skirt may be found use-
ful, and an embroidered linen or batiste polonaise
from last summer's store.
"Add to these a black sash, a couple of belts, an
umbrella with chatelaine and requisite attachments,
a pair of neat-fitting boots and pair of slippers, some
DBJESS. 287
cuffs, small standing collars and a few yards of frais-
ing, a striped or cheddar shawl, a 'cloud' for even-
ings on deck, some handkerchiefs and gray and
brown kid gloves, and, with a few necessary toilet
articles, you have an outfit that will take you over
the world and can all be comprised in the space in-
dicated, leaving room for a small whisk broom, es-
sential to comfort, and a large palm-leaf fan.
"Stores, such as lemons, a bottle of glycerine,
spirits of ammonia and Florida water, which are
really all that are required — the first for sickness,
the last three for the toilet — should be packed in a
small case or box in such a way that the flasks con-
taining the liquid will not come in contact with the
fruit. After landing the box will not be wanted, as
the lemons will have been used and the flasks can
be carried with dressing-combs and the like in the
satchel."
Wedding-outfit.
Although the fashions in make and material of
the bride's dress are continually varying, yet there
are certain unchangeable rules in regard to it. Thus
a bride in full bridal costume should be dressed en-
tirely in white from head to foot.
The Wedding-dress.
The dress may be of silk, brocade, satin, lace,
merino, alpaca, crape, lawn or muslin. The veil
may be of lace, tulle or illusion, but it must be long
288 DRESS.
and full. It may or may not fall over the face. The
flowers of the bridal wreath and bouquet must be
orange blossoms, either artificial or natural, or oth-
er white flowers.
The dress should be high and the arms covered.
No jewelry should be worn save pearls or diamonds.
Slippers of white satin and gloves of kid, make the
dress complete.
The simplicity in bridal toilettes, adopted in con-
tinental Europe, is more commendable than that of
England and America, where the bridal dress is
made as expensive and as heavy with rich and cost-
ly lace as it can possibly be made.
Dress of Bridegroom.
The bridegroom should wear a black or dark-blue
dresscoat, light pantaloons, vest and necktie, and
white kid gloves.
Dress op Bridesmaids.
The dresses of the bridesmaids are not so elabor-
ate as that of the bride. They also should be of
white, but they may be trimmed with delicately col-
ored flowers and ribbons. White tulle worn over
pale pink or blue silk, and caught up with blush-
roses or forget-me-nots, makes a charming brides-
maid's costume.
If the bridesmaids wear veils, they should be
shorter than that of the bride.
DRESS. 289
Traveling-dress of Bride.
The traveling-dress of a bride may be of silk, or
of any of the fabrics used for walking-dresses. It
should be of some neutral tint, the bonnet and
gloves harmonizing in color. A bridal traveling
costume may be more elaborately trimmed than an
ordinary traveling-dress; but if the bride wishes to
attract but little attention she will not make herself
conspicuous by too showy a dress.
A bride is sometimes married in traveling cos-
tume; but when this is the case, the wedding is in
private, and the bridal pair start out at once upon
their journey.
Marriage of a Widow.
A widow should never be married in white. Wid-
ows and brides of middle age should choose delicate
neutral tints, with white lace collar and cuffs and
white gloves. The costumes of the bridesmaids
must take their tone from that of the bride, and be
neither gayer, lighter nor richer than hers.
Brides and bridesmaids should wear their wed-
ding dresses at the wedding-reception.
Dress of Guests at Wedding-reception.
The guests at an evening reception should appear
in full evening-dress. No one should attend in black
or wear mourning. Those in mourning should lay
aside black for gray or lavender.
19
290 DRESS.
For a morning reception the dress should be the
richest street costume, with white gloves. If the
blinds are closed and the gas lighted at the morning
reception, then evening-dress is worn by the guests.
The Trousseau.
The trousseau may be as large and expensive as
the circumstances of the bride will admit, but this
expense is generally put upon outside garments.
There are a great many other articles which must
be supplied in a requisite number, and these all
brides must have, and of a certain similarity in gen-
eral character and make. These are usually fur-
nished by the bride's parents, and are as complete
and expensive as their taste dictates, or their means
justifies.
CHAPTER XXIII.
HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS.
Colors in Dress.
SAYS Sir Joshua Reynolds, "Color is the last
attainment of excellence in every school of
painting." The same may be said in regard to the
art of colors in dress. Nevertheless, it is the first
thing in dress to which we should give our attention
and study.
We put bright colors upon our little children, we
dress our young girls in light and delicate shades,
the blooming matron is justified in adopting the
rich hues which we see in the autumn leaf, while
black and neutral tints are appropriate to the old.
This forms the basis upon which to build our struct-
ure of color.
Having decided what colors may be worn, it is
important to know how they may be worn. One
color should predominate in the dress; and if anoth-
er is adopted, it should be limited in quantity, and
only by way of contrast or harmony. Certain colors
should never, under any circumstances, be worn to-
gether, since they produce positive discord to the
292 HARMONY OF COLOB IN DRESS
eye. If the dress be blue, red should not be introduc-
ed by way of trimming, or vice versa. Red and
yellow, red and blue, blue and yellow and scarlet
and crimson should not be united in the same cos-
tume. If the dress is red, green may be introduced
in a limited quantity; if green, crimson; if blue,
orange. Scarlet and solferino are deadly enemies,
killing each other whenever they meet.
Two contrasting colors, such as red and green,
should not be used in equal quantities in a dress, as
they are both so positive in tone that they divide
and distract the attention. When two colors are
worn in any quantity, one must approach a neutral
tint, such as drab or gray. Black may be worn with
any color, though it looks best with the lighter
shades of the different colors. White may also be
worn with any color, though it looks best with the
darker tones. Thus white and crimson, black and
pink, each contrast better and have a richer effect
than though the black were united with the crimson
and the white with the pink. Drab, being a shade
of no color between black and white, may be worn
with the same effect with all.
A person of very fair, delicate complexion should
always wear the most delicate of tints, such as light
blue, pea-green and mauve. A brunette requires
bright colors, such as scarlet and orange, to bring
out the brilliant tints in her complexion. A florid
face and auburn hair require blue.
There are many shades of complexions which we
HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS 293
cannot take time to describe here, the peculiar col-
ors to suit which can only be discovered by actual
experiment; and if the persons with these various
complexions are not able to judge for themselves,
they must seek the opinion of some acquaintance
with an artistically trained eye.
Pure golden or yellow hair needs blue, and its
beauty is also increased by the addition of pearls or
white flowers.
If the hair has no richness of coloring, a pale, yel-
lowish green will by reflection produce the lacking
warm tint.
Light-brown hair requires blue, which sets off to
advantage the golden tint.
Dark-brown hair will bear light blue, or dark blue
in a lesser quantity.
Auburn hair, if verging on the red, needs scarlet
to tone it down. If of a golden red, blue green,
purple or black will bring out the richness of its
tints.
Black hair has its color and depth enhanced by
scarlet, orange or white, and will bear diamonds,
pearls or lustreless gold.
Flaxen hair requires blue.
Size in Relation to Dress and Colors.
A person of small stature may dress in light col-
ors which would not be appropriate to a person of
larger proportions. So a lady of majestic appear-
ance should not wear white, but will be seen to the
294 HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS
best advantage in black or dark tints. A lady of
diminutive stature dresses in bad taste when she
appears in a garment with large figures, plaids or
stripes. Neither should a lady of large proportions
be seen in similar garments, because, united with
her size, they give her a "loud" appearance. Indeed,
pronounced figures and broad stripes and plaids are
never in perfect taste, whatever a capricious fashion
may say in the matter.
It is of importance to observe, that you do not
overstep the boundaries of good taste in the number
and variety of colors which you may employ. Ycu
may display the greatest taste and judgment in the
contrast and harmony of colors; and yet, owing to
their profusion, they may obtrude themselves too
glaringly on the eye, drawing the attention more to
the dress than to the countenance and figure of the
person, an error which ought to be carefully avoided;
the fewer the colors are which are used, the more
simple and graceful will be the effect.
In the canons of the laws of harmony and con-
trast, size, or the magnitude of objects, has also its
rules to be observed in regard of colors; large ob-
jects appear to greater advantage in sober colors
than smaller ones.
Black, however, not only suits the complexion of
all forms, and is becoming to all figures, but is at
once piquant and elegant; it has a surprising effect
in imparting grace and elegance to a well-turned
form.
HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS. 295
When two colors which are dissimilar are associ-
ated agreeably, such as blue and orange, or lilac and
cherry, they form a harmony of contrast. And when
two distant tones of one color are associated, such
as very light and very dark blue, they harmonize
by contrast. Of course, in the latter instance- the
harmony is neither so striking nor so perfect.
When two colors are grouped which are similar
to each other in disposition, such as orange and
scarlet, crimson and crimson-brown, or orange and
orange-brown, they form a harmony of analogy. And
if two or more tones of one color be associated,
closely aproximating in intensity, they harmonize
by analogy.
The harmonies of contrast are "more effective, al-
though not more important, than those of analogy;
the former are characterized by brilliancy and de-
cision, while the latter are peculiar for their quiet,
retiring, and undemonstrative nature. In affairs of
dress botli hold equal positions; and in arranging
colors in costume, care must be taken to adopt the
proper species of harmony.
The simplest rules to be observed are the follow-
ing : 1. When a color is selected which is favorable
to the complexion, it is advisable to associate with
it tints which will harmonize by analogy, because
the adoption of contrasting colors would diminish its
favorable effect. 2. When a color is employed in
dress which is injurious to the complexion, contrast-
ing colors must be associated with it, as they have
296 HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS.
the power to neutralize its objectionable influence.
We will take an example illustrative of the first
rule. Green suits the blonde, and, when worn by
her, its associated colors should be tones of itself
(slightly lighter or darker,) which will rather en-
hance than reduce its effect.
As an example of the second rule, we may take
violet, which, although unsuitable to brunettes, may
be rendered agreeable by having tones of yellow or
orange grouped with it.
Colors of similar power which contrast with each
other mutually intensify each other's brilliancy, as
blue and orange, scarlet and green. When dark and
very light colors are associated, they do not intensify
each other in the same manner; the dark color is
made to appear deeper, and the light to appear
lighter, as dark blue and straw-color, or any dark
color and the light tints of the complexion.
Colors which harmonize with each other by ana-
logy reduce each other's brilliancy to a greater or less
degree; as white and yellow, blue and purple, black
and brown.
There are many colors which lose much of their
brilliancy and hue by gaslight, and are therefore
unserviceable for evening costume; of this class we
may enumerate all the shades of purple and lilac,
and dark blues and greens. Others gain brilliancy
in artificial light, as orange, scarlet, crimson, and the
light browns and greens. It is advisable that all
these circumstances should be considered, in the se-
HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS. 297
lection of colors for morning and evening costume.
Our readers will find the following list of harmo-
nious groups of service in the arrangement of colors
in dress; we have given the most useful as well as
the most agreeable combinations.
Blue and lilac, a weak harmony.
Blue and drab harmonize.
Blue and stone-color harmonize.
Blue and fawn-color, a weak harmony.
Blue and white (or gray) harmonize.
Blue and straw-color harmonize.
Blue and maize harmonize.
Blue and chestnut (or chocolate) harmonize.
Blue and brown, an agreeable harmony.
Blue and black harmonize.
Blue and gold (or gold-color), a rich harmony.
Blue and orange, a perfect harmony.
Blue and crimson harmonize, but imperfectly.
Blue and pink, a poor harmony.
Blue and salmon-color, an agreeable harmony.
Blue, scarlet, and purple (or lilac) harmonize.
Blue, orange, and black harmonize.
Blue, orange, and green, harmonize.
Blue, brown, crimson, and gold (or yellow) harmonize.
Blue, orange, black and white, harmonize.
Red and gold (or gold-color) harmonize.
Red and white (or gray) harmonize.
Red, orange, and green, harmonize.
Red, yellow (or gold-color,) and black, harmonize.
Red, gold-color, black and white, harmonize.
298 HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS.
Scarlet and slate-color harmonize.
Scarlet, black, and white harmonize.
Scarlet, blue and white harmonize.
Scarlet, blue and yellow harmonize.
Scarlet, blue, black, and yellow harmonize.
Scarlet and blue harmonize.
Scarlet and orange harmonize.
Crimson and black, a dull harmony.
Crimson and drab harmonize.
Crimson and brown, a dull harmony.
Crimson and gold (or gold-color,) a rich harmony-
Crimson and orange, a rich harmony.
Crimson and maize harmonize.
Crimson and purple harmonize.
Yellow and chestnut (or chocolate) harmonize.
Yellow and brown harmonize.
Yellow and red harmonize.
Yellow and crimson harmonize.
Yellow and white, a poor harmony.
Yellow and black harmonize.
Yellow, purple, and crimson harmonize.
Yellow, purple, scarlet, and blue harmonize.
Yellow and purple, an agreeable harmony.
Yellow and blue harmonize, but cold.
Yellow and violet harmonize.
Yellow and lilac, a weak harmony.
Green and scarlet harmonize.
Green, scarlet, and blue harmonize.
Green, crimson, blue, and gold, or yellow, harmonize.
Green and gold, or gold-color, a rich harmony.
HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS. 299>
Green and yellow harmonize.
Green and orange harmonize.
Orange, blue, and crimson harmonize.
Orange, purple, and scarlet, harmonize.
Orange, blue, scarlet, and purple harmonize.
Orange, blue, scarlet, and claret harmonize.
Orange, blue, scarlet, white, and green harmonize.
Orange and chestnut, harmonize.
Orange, and brown, an agreeable harmony.
Orange, lilac, and crimson, harmonize.
Orange, red, and green harmonize.
Purple, scarlet, and gold-color, harmonize.
Purple, scarlet, and white harmonize.
Purple, scarlet, blue, and orange harmonize.
Purple, scarlet, blue, yellow, and black harmonize*
Purple and gold, or gold-color, a rich harmony.
Purple and orange, a rich harmony.
Purple and maize harmonize.
Purple and blue harmonize.
Purple and black, a heavy harmony.
Purple and white, a cold harmony.
Lilac and crimson harmonize.
Lilac, scarlet, and white, or black, harmonize.
Lilac, gold-color, and crimson harmonize.
Lilac, yellow, or gold, scarlet, and white harmonize*
Lilac and gold, or gold-color, harmonize.
Lilac and white, a poor harmony.
Lilac and gray, a poor harmony.
Lilac and maize, harmonize.
Lilac and cherry, an agreeable harmony.
300 HARMONY OF COLOR IN DRESS.
Lilac and scarlet, harmonize.
White and gold-color, a poor harmony.
White and scarlet harmonize.
White and crimson harmonize.
White and cherry harmonize.
White and pink harmonize.
White and brown harmonize.
Black and white a perfect harmony.
Black and orange, a rich harmony.
Black and maize harmonize.
Black and scarlet harmonize.
Black and lilac harmonize.
Black and pink harmonize.
Black and slate-color harmonize.
Black and brown a dull harmony.
Black and drab, or buff harmonize.
Black, white, or yellow and crimson harmonize.
Black, orange, blue, and scarlet harmonize.
CHAPTER XXIV.
THE TOILETTE.
IT is every woman's duty to make herself as beau-
tiful as possible ; and no less the duty of every
man to make himself pleasing in appearance. The
duty of looking well is one we owe not only to our-
selves, but to others as well. We owe it to ourselves
because others estimate us very naturally and very
properly by our outward appearance; and we owe it
to others because we have no right to put our friends
to the blush by our untidiness.
If a gentleman ask a lady to accompany him to
the opera or a concert, she has no right to turn that
expected pleasure into a pain and mortification by
presenting herself with tumbled hair, ill-chosen
dress, badly-fitting gloves and an atmosphere of
cheap and offensive perfumes. So, also, if the
gentleman comes to fulfill his appointment with
tumbled clothes, shaggy hair and beard, soiled linen
and an odor of stale tobacco, she may well consider
such an appearance an insult.
Duty, has more to do with attention to the toilette
than vanity. We are therefore bound to turn our
302 THE TOILETTE.
personal attractions to the very best advantage, and
to preserve every agreeable quality with which we
may have been endowed.
Health and Beauty.
Upon the minor details of the toilette depend, in a
great degree, the health, as well as the beauty, of the
individual. In fact, the highest state of health is
equivalent to the greatest degree of beauty of which
the individual is capable. It is a false taste which
looks upon a fragile form and a pale and delicate
complexion as requisites for beauty. The strength
and buoyancy and vigor of youth, the full and roun-
ded curves of form and features, the clear complex-
ion, fair m the blonde and rich and brilliant in the
brunette, tinted with the rosy flush of health, — these
constitute the true beauty which all should seek,
and to which all with proper care can at least par-
tially attain.
The Dressing-room.
The first requisite in properly performing the
duties of the toilette is to have a regularly-arranged
dressing-room. This room, of course, in many in-
stances, is used as a bedroom as well ; but that need
not interfere with its general arrangements.
The walls should be covered with a light-colored
paper, with window-curtains and furniture covers all
in harmony. A few choice chromos or water-color
drawings may hang on the walls, and one or two
THE TOILETTE. 303
ornaments may occupy a place on the mantel; but it
must be borne in mind that the room is to be used
exclusively for dressing and the toilette, so that
everything interfering with these offices in any way
should be carefully avoided.
Lady's Dressing-Room.
•
A lady's dressing-room should be furnished with
a low dressing-bureau, a washstand, an easy-chair,
placed in front of the dressing-bureau, one or two
other chairs, a sofa or couch if there be sufficient
room, and a large wardrobe if there are not suffi-
cient closet conveniences.
The dressing-bureau should contain the lady's
dressing-case, her jewel-box, pin-cushion* ring-stand,
and hairpin-cushion. The latter is very convenient,
and is made in the following way : It may be square
or round, the sides of card-board or wood, loosely
stuffed with fine horsehair and covered with plain
knitting, worked in germa'n wool with fine needles.
This cover offers no impediment to the hairpins^
which are much better preserved in this way than by
being left scattered about in an untidy fashion. There
should also be a tray with various kinds of combs,
frizettes bottles of perfumes, &c.
The washstand should be furnished with a large
bowl and pitcher, small pitcher and tumbler, soap-
tray, sponge-basin, holding two sponges (large and
small), china tray containing two tooth-brushes and
nail-brushes, and a bottle of ammonia.
304 THE TOILETTE.
On the right of the washstand should be the towel
-rack, which should contain one fine and two coarse
towels and two more very coarse hucka-back or Tur-
kish towels. The foot-bath should be placed beneath
the washstand.
On the wall there should be hooks and pegs at
convenient distances, which may be used for sacques,
dressing-gowns, dresses about to be worn, or any
other article of general or immediate use.
Dresses, skirts, crinolines, etc., should be hung
neatly away in the closet or wardrobe. The under-
clothing should be folded and placed in an orderly
manner in the drawers of the dressing-bureau. The
finer dresses are kept in better order if folded smooth-
ly and laid on shelves instead of being hung up.
Gentleman's Dressing-room.
The arrangements of a gentleman's dressing-room
are similar in most respects to those of the lady's
dressing-room, the differences being only in small
matters.
A gentleman's wardrobe is not necessarily so large
as a lady's, but it should be well supplied with draw-
ers to contain vests and pantaloons when folded. In-
deed, no gentleman who wishes to make a tidy ap-
pearance should ever hang up these articles.
The hooks and pegs in a gentleman's dressing-
room are for the convenience of articles of a gentle-
man's toilet corresponding with those occupying a
similar place in the lady's room.
THE TOILETTE. 305
In a gentleman's dressing-bureau should be found
the articles used in a gentleman's toilet — razors,
shaving-soap, shaving-brush and a small tin pot for
hot water, also packages of paper, on which to wipe
razors. Cheap razors are a failure as they soon lose
their edge. It has been suggested as an excellent
plan to have a case of seven razors — one for each
day in the week — so that they are all equally used.
A boot-stand, on which the boots and shoes should
be arranged in regular order, with boot-jacks and
boot-hooks, is a necessary part of the gentleman's
dressing-room.
A couple of hair gloves, with a flesh-brush, may
be added.
The Bath.
In most of our houses in the city there is a sepa-
rate bath room with hot and cold water, but country
houses are not always so arranged. A substitute for
the bath-room is a large piece of oilcloth, which can
be laid upon the floor of the ordinary dressing-room.
Upon this may be placed the bath-tub or basin.
There are various kinds of baths, both hot and
cold — the douche, the shower-bath, the hip-bath and
the sponge-bath.
We do not bathe to make ourselves clean; but to
keep clean, and for the sake of its health-giving and
invigorating effects. Once a week a warm bath, at
about 100°, may be used, with plenty of soap, in or-
der to thoroughly cleanse the pores of the skin.
.30
306 THE TOILETTE.
A douche or hip-bath may be taken every morn-
ing, winter and summer, with the temperature of the
water suited to the endurance of the individual. In
summer a second or sponge-bath may be taken on
retiring.
Only the most vigorous constitutions can endure
the shower-bath, therefore it cannot be recommended
for indiscriminate use.
After these baths a rough towel should be vigor-
ously used, not only to help remove the impurities
of the skin, but for the beneficial friction which will
send a glow over the whole body. The hair glove
or flesh-brush may be used to advantage in the bath
before applying the towel.
Before stepping into the bath the head should be
wet with cold water, and in the bath the pit of the
stomach should first be sponged.
There is no danger to most people from taking a
bath in a state of ordinary perspiration. But one
should by all means avoid it if fatigued or over-
heated.
The Air-bath.
Next in importance to the water-bath is the air-
bath. Nothing is so conducive to health as an ex-
posure of the body to air and sun. A French phy-
sician has recommended the sun-bath as a desirable
hygienic practice. It is well, therefore, to remain
without clothing for some little time after bathing,
THE TOILETTE. 307
performing such duties of the toilet as can be done
in that condition.
The Teeth.
The next thing to be done is to clean the teeth.
Brides this daily morning cleaning, the teeth should
be carefully brushed with a soft brush after each
meal, and also on retiring at night. Use the brush
so that not only the outside of the teeth is white,
but the inside also. After the brush is used plunge
it two or three times into a glass of fresh water, then
rub it quite dry on a towel.
Use no tooth-washes nor powders whatever.
There may be some harmless ones, but it is impossi-
ble for a person of ordinary knowledge to discrim-
inate between them, and that which seems to be
rendering the teeth beautifully white may soon de-
stroy the enamel which covers them. Castile soap
used once a day, with frequent brushings with pure
water and a soft brush, cannot fail to keep the teeth
clean and white, unless they are disfigured and de-
stroyed by other bad habits, such as the use of to-
bacco or too hot or too cold drinks.
Tartar is not so easily dealt with, but it requires
equally early attention. It results from an impaired
state of the general health, and assumes the form of
a yellowish concretion on the teeth and gums. At
first it is possible to keep it down by a repeated and
vigorous use of the tooth-brush; but if a firm, solid
mass accumulates, it is necessary to have it chipped
308 THE TOILETTK
off by a dentist. Unfortunately, too, by that time it
will probably have begun to loosen and destroy the
teeth on which it fixes, and is pretty certain to have
produced one obnoxious effect — that of tainting the
breath.
On the slightest appearance of decay or a tend-
ency to accumulate tartar, go at once to a dentist.
If a dark spot appearing under the enamel is neg-
lected, it will eat in until the tooth is eventually
destroyed. A dentist seeing the tooth in its first
stage will remove the decayed part and plug the
cavity in a proper manner.
Washing the teeth with vinegar when the brush
is used has been recommended as a means of remov-
ing tartar.
Tenderness of the gums, to which some persons
are subject, may sometimes be met by the use of salt
and water, but it is well to rinse the mouth frequent-
ly with water with a few drops of tincture of myrrh
in it.
Relief in cases of decay may sometimes be ob-
tained by thrusting into the cavity with a needle a
little cotton-wool saturated with creosote or oil of
cloves.
About toothache it is only necessary to point out
that it results from various causes, and that therefore
it is impossible to give any general remedy for it.
It may be occasioned by decay, by inflammation of
the membrane covering the root, or the pain may be
neuralgic, or there may be other causes.
THE TOILETTE. 309
When there is inflammation, relief is often gained
by applying camphorated chloroform, to be procured
at the druggist's. This has often succeeded when
laudanum and similar applications have entirely
failed.
It may be added that foul breath, unless caused
by neglected teeth, indicates a deranged state of the
system. When it is occasioned by the teeth or other
local cause, use a gargle consisting of a spoonful of
solution of chloride of lime in half a tumbler of
water. Gentlemen smoking, and thus tainting the
breath, may be glad to know that the common pars-
ley has a peculiar effect in removing the odor of
tobacco.
The Skin.
Beauty and health of the skin can only be ob-
tained by perfect cleanliness and an avoidance of
all cosmetics, added to proper diet and correct
habits.
The skin must be frequently and thoroughly
washed, occasionally with warm water and soap, to
remove the oily exudations upon its surface. If any
unpleasant sensations are experienced after the use
of soap, they may be immediately removed by rins-
ing the surface with water to which a little lemon-
juice or vinegar has been added.
Our somewhat remote maternal ancestors were
very chary in the use of water lest it should injure
the complexion. So they delicately wiped their faces
310 THE TOILETTE.
with the corner of a towel wet in elder-flower water
or rose-water. Or in springtime they tripped out to
the meadows while the dew still lay upon the grass,
and saturating their kerchiefs in May dew refreshed
their cheeks and went home contented that a con-
scientious duty had been performed. And so it was
though a different duty than the one they congrat-
ulated themselves upon. The May dew did them
no harm at least, and they had been beguiled by a
stratagem into early rising.
It is not necessary here to speak of various cutane-
ous eruptions. The treatment of these belongs prop-
erly to a physician. They are usually the result of
a bad state of the blood or general derangement of
the system, and cannot be cured by any merely ex-
ternal application.
The following rules may be given for the preserva-
tion of the complexion : Rise early and go to bed
early. Take plenty of exercise. Use plenty of cold
water, and good soap frequently. Be moderate in
eating and drinking. Do not lace. Avoid as much
as possible the vitiated atmosphere of crowded as-
semblies. Shun cosmetics and washes for the skin.
The latter dry the skin, and only defeat the end they
are supposed to have in view.
Freckles are of two kinds. Those occasioned by
exposure to the sunshine, and consequently evanes-
cent, are denominated "summer freckles; " those
which are constitutional and permanent are called
"cold freckles."
THE TOILETTE. 311
Moles are frequently a great disfigurement to the
face, but they should not be tampered with in any
way. The only safe and certain mode of getting rid
of moles is by a surgical operation.
With regard to freckles, it is impossible to give
any advice which will be of value. They result from
causes not to be affected by mere external applica-
tions. Summer freckles are not so difficult to deal
with, and with a little care the skin may be kept free
from this cause of disfigurement.
Some skins are so delicate that they become freck-
led on the slightest exposure in the open air of sum-
mer. The cause assigned for this, is that the iron in
the blood, forming a junction with the oxygen, leaves
a rusty mark where the junction takes place. We
give in their appropriate place some recipes for re-
moving these latter freckles from the face. *
There are various other discolorations of the skin,
proceeding frequently from derangement of the sys-
tem. The cause should always be discovered before
attempting a remedy, otherwise you may aggravate
the complaint rather than cure it.
The Eyes, Lashes and Brows.
Beautiful eys are the gift of Nature, and can owe
little to the toilet. As in the eye consists much of the
expression of the face, therefore it should be borne
in mind that those who would have their eyes bear
a pleasing expression must cultivate pleasing traits
of character and beautify the soul, and then this
312 THE TOILETTE.
beautiful soul will look through its natural windows.
Never tamper with the eyes. There is danger of
destroying them. All daubing or dyeing of the lids
is foolish and vulgar.
Short-sightedness is not always a natural defect.
It may be acquired by bad habits in youth. A short-
sighted person should supply himself with glasses
exactty adapted to his wants ; but it is well not to
use these glasses too constantly, as, even when they
perfectly fit the eye, they really tend to shorten the
sight. Unless one is very short-sighted, it is best to
keep the glasses for occasional use, and trust ordi-
narily to the unaided eye. Parents and teachers
should watch children and see that they do not ac-
quire the habit of holding their books too close to
their eyes, and thus injure their sight.
Parents should also be careful that their children
do not become squint- or cross-eyed through any
carelessness. A child's hair hanging down loosely
over its eyes, or a bonnet projecting too far over
them, or a loose ribbon or tape, fluttering over the
forehead, is sometimes sufficient to direct the sight
irregularly until it becomes permanently crossed.
A beautiful eyelash is an important adjunct to the
eye. The lashes may be lengthened by trimming
them occasionally in childhood. Care should be
taken that this trimming is done neatly and evenly.
Great care however must be used in this direction,
as, after a certain age they never grow again.
The eyebrows may be brushed carefully in the
THE TOILETTE. 313
direction which they should lie, and when the hair
is oiled, which should be but seldom, they may be
oiled also.
Generally, it is in exceeding bad taste to dye
either lashes or brows, for it usually brings them
into inharmony with the hair and features. There
are cases, however, when the beauty of an otherwise
fine countenance is utterly ruined by white lashes
and brows. In such cases one can hardly be blamed
if india ink is resorted to, to give them the desired
color.
Never shave the brows. It adds to their beauty
in no way, and may result in an irregular growth of
new hair.
The utmost care should be taken of the eyes.
They should never be strained in an imperfect light,
whether that of clouded daylight, twilight or flick-
ering lamp- or candle-light.
Many persons have an idea that a dark room is
best for the eyes. On the contrary, it weakens them
and renders them permanently unable to bear the
light of the sun. Our eyes were naturally designed
to endure the broad light of Heaven and the nearer
we approach to this in our houses, the stronger will
be our eyes and the longer will we retain our sight.
Some persons have the eyebrows meeting over the
nose. This is usually considered a disfigurement,
but there is no remedy for it. It may be a consola-
tion for such people to know that the ancients ad-
314 THE TOILETTE.
mired this style of eyebrows, and that Michael An-
gelo possessed it.
It is useless to pluck out the uniting hairs; and if
a depilatory is applied, a mark like that of a scar left
from a burn remains, and is more disfiguring than
the hair.
If the lids of the eyes become inflamed and scalyr
do not seek to remove the scales roughly, for they
will bring the lashes with them. Apply at night a
little cold cream to the edges of the closed lids, and
wash them in the morning with lukewarm milk and
water.
Sties in the eye are irritating and disfiguring.
Foment with warm water; at night apply a bread-
and-milk poultice. When a white head forms, prick
it with a fine needle. Should the inflammation be
obstinate, a little citrine ointment may be applied,
care being taken that it does not get into the eye.
It is well to have on the toilet-table a remedy for
inflamed eyes. Spermaceti ointment is simple and
well adapted to this purpose. Apply at night, and
wash off with rose-water in the morning. There is
a simple lotion made by dissolving a very small
piece of alum and a piece of lump-sugar of the same
size in a quart of water; put the ingredients into the
water cold and let them simmer. Bathe the eyes
frequently with it.
The Hair.
There is nothing that so adds to the charm of an
THE TOILETTE. 315
individual as a good head of hair. The complexion
and the features may be perfect, but if the hair is
thin and harsh they all pass for little. On the other
hand, magnificent locks will atone for other de-
ficiencies.
The hair should be brushed for at least twenty
minutes in the morning, for ten minutes when it is
dressed in the middle of the day, and for a like
period at night. In brushing or combing it begin
at the extreme points, and in combing hold the
portion of hair just above that through which the
comb is passing firmly between the first and second
fingers, so that if it is entangled it may drag from
that point, and not from the roots. The finest head
of hair may be spoiled by the practice of plunging
the comb into it high up and dragging it in a
reckless manner. Short, loose, broken hairs are thus
created, and become very troublesome.
The skin of the head requires even more tender-
ness and cleanliness than any other portion of the
body, and is capable of being irritated by disease.
Formerly, the use of a fine-tooth comb was con-
sidered essential to the proper care of the hair, but
in general, to the careful br usher, the fine comb is
not necessary.
The hair should be brushed carefully. The brush
should be of moderate hardness, not too hard. The
hair should be separated, in order that the head itself
may be well brushed, as by doing so the scurf is re-
moved, and that is most essential, as not only is it
316 THE TOILETTE.
unpleasant and unsightly, but if suffered to remain
it becomes saturated with perspiration and tends to
weaken the roots of the hair, causing it in time to
fall off.
Vinegar and water form a good wash for the roots
of the hair. Ammonia diluted with water is still
better.
Nothing is simpler or better in the way of oil
than pure, unscented salad oil, and in the way of a
pomatum bear's grease is as pleasant as anything.
Apply either with the hands or keep a soft brush
for the purpose, but take care not to use the oil too
freely. An over-oiled head of hair is vulgar and
offensive. So are scents of any kind in the oil ap-
plied to the hair. It is well also to keep a piece of
flannel with which to rub the hair at night after
brushing it, in order to remove the oil before lay-
ing the head upon the pillow.
Do not plaster the hair with oil or pomatum.
A white, concrete oil pertains naturally to the cov-
ering of the human head, but some persons have
it in more abundance than others. Those whose
hair is glossy and shining need nothing to render
it so; but when the hair is harsh, poor and dry,
artificial lubrication is necessary. Persons who per-
spire freely or who accumulate scurf rapidly require
it also.
The hair-brush should also be frequently washed
in diluted ammonia.
For removing scurf glycerine diluted with a little
THE TOILETTE. 317
rose-water will be found of service. Any prepara-
tion of rosemary forms an agreeable and highly
cleansing wash.
The yolk of an egg beaten up in warm water is an
excellent application to the scalp.
Many heads of hair require nothing more in the
way of wash than soap and water.
Do not by any means use any dyes or advertised
nostrums to preserve or change the color of the hair,
or to prevent it from falling out or to curl it. They
are one and all objectionable, containing more or
less poison, some of them even sowing the germs of
paralysis or of blindness.
Young girls should wear their hair cut short until
they are grown up if they would have it then in its
best condition.
Beware of letting the hair grow too long, as the
points are apt to weaken and split. It is well to
have the ends clipped off once a month.
The style of modern coiffure is so perpetually
changing with every breath of fashion that it is
useless to say much about it in these pages. It may
be well to hint that when fashion ordains extrava-
gance in style of wearing the hair or in the abun-
dance of false locks, the lady of refinement will
follow her mandates only at a distance, and will sup-
plement the locks with which Nature has provided
her only so far as is absolutely required to prevent
her presenting a singular appearance.
A serious objection to dyeing the hair is that it is
318 THE TOILETTE.
almost impossible to give the hair a tint which har-
monizes with the complexion.
If the hair begins to change early and the color
goes in patches, procure from the druggist's a prep-
aration of the husk of the walnut water or eau crayon.
This will by daily application darken the tint of the
hair without actually dyeing it. When the change
of color has gone on to any great extent, it is better
to abandon the application and put up with the
change, which, in nine cases out of ten, will be in
accordance with the change in the face. Indeed,
there is nothing more beautiful than soft white hair
worn in plain bands or clustering curls about the
face.
The walnut-water may be used for toning down
too red hair.
Gentlemen are more liable to baldness than ladies,
owing, no doubt, to the use of the close hat, which
confines and overheats the head. It may be consid'
ered, perhaps, as a sort of punishmemt for disregard-
ing one of the most imperative rules of politeness, to
always remove the hat in the presence of ladies, the
observance of which would keep the head cool and
well aired.
If the hair is found to be falling out, the first thing
to do is to look to the hat and see that it is light and
thoroughly ventilated. There is no greater enemy
to the hair than the silk dress-hat. The single eye-
let-hole through the top does not secure sufficient
circulation of air for the health of the head. It is
THE TOILETTE. 319
best to lay this hat aside altogether and adopt light
straw in its place.
It would, no doubt, be to the advantage of men if
they would take to going out in the open air bare-
headed. Women think nothing of stepping out of
doors heads uncovered, men scarcely ever do it. We
are of opinion that if the health of the brain and
hair is to be paramount we should learn to consider
hats and bonnets, and especially hats, as worn merely
as hostages to the proprieties, and not at all as neces-
sities, while we should seek to do without them on
every possible occasion, in doors and out.
It is conceded that artists and musicians may wear
their hair long if they choose, but it is imperative
upon all other gentlemen to cut their hair short.
Long hair on a man not of the privileged class above
named will indicate him to the observer as a person
of unbalanced mind and unpleasantly erratic char-
acter— a man, in brief, who seeks to impress others
with the fact that he is eccentric, something which
a really eccentric person never attempts.
The Beard.
Those who shave should be careful to do so every
morning. Nothing looks worse than a stubbly beard.
Some persons whose beards are strong should shave
twice a day, especially if they are going to a party
in the evening.
The style of hair on the face should be governed
by the character of the face. Some people wear the
320 THE TOILETTE.
full beard, not shaving at all ; others long Cardigan
whiskers ; some moustache and whiskers or mutton-
chop whiskers, or the long, flowing moustache and
imperial of Victor Emmanuel, or the spiky moustache
of the late emperor of the French. But whatever
the style be, the great point is to keep it well brush-
ed and trimmed and to avoid any appearance of wild-
ness or inattention. The full, flowing beard of course
requires more looking after, in the way of cleanli-
ness than any other. It should be thoroughly wash-
ed and brushed at least twice a day, as dust is sure
to accumulate in it, and it is very easy to suffer it
to become objectionable to one's self as well as to
others. If it is naturally glossy, it is better to avoid
the use of oil or pomatum.
The moustache should be worn neatly and not
over-large.
In conclusion, our advice to those who shave is
like Punch's advice to those about to marry;
"Don't!" There is nothing that so adds to native
manliness as the full beard if carefully and neatly
kept. Nature certainly knows best; and no man
need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the
hair of his face.
The person who invented razors libeled nature and
added a fresh misery to the days of man. "Ah,"
said Diogenes, who would never consent to be
shaved, "would you insinuate that Nature had done
better to make you a woman than a man?"
THE TOILETTE. 321
The Hand.
A beautiful hand is long and slender, with taper-
ing fingers and pink, filbert-shaped nails. The hand,
to be in proper proportion to the rest of the body,
should be as long as from the point of the chin to
the edge of the hair on the forehead.
Be careful always to dry the hands thoroughly, and
rub them briskly for some time afterward. When
this is not sufficiently attended to in cold weather,
the hands chap and crack. When this occurs, rub
a few drops of honey over them when dry, or anoint
them with cold cream or glycerine before going
to bed.
As cold weather is the usual cause of chapped
hands, so the winter season brings with it a cure for
them. A thorough washing in snow and soap will
cure the worst case of chapped hands and leave
them beautifully soft and white.
The hands should be kept scrupulously clean, and
therefore should be very frequently washed — not
merely rinsed in soap and water, but thoroughly
lathered, and scrubbed with a soft nail-brush. In
cold weather the use of lukewarm water is unobjec-
tionable, after which the hands should be dipped
into cold water and very carefully dried on a fine
towel.
Should you wish to make your hands white and
delicate, you might wash them in white milk and
water for a day or two. On retiring to rest rub
21
322 THE TOILETTE.
them well over with some palm oil and put on a
pair of woolen gloves. The hands should be thor-
oughly washed with hot water and soap the next
morning, and a pair of soft leather gloves worn dur-
ing the day, They should frequently be rubbed
together to promote circulation.
Sunburnt hands may be washed in lime-water or
lemon -juice.
Warts, which are more common with young peo-
ple than with adults, are very unsightly, and are
sometimes very difficult to get rid of. The best plan
is to buy a small stick of lunar caustic, which is sold
in a holder and case at the druggist's for the purpose,
dip it in water, and touch the wart every morning
and evening, care being taken to cut away the with-
ered skin before repeating the operation. A still
better plan is to apply acetic acid gently once a day
with a camel's-hair pencil to the summit of the wart.
Care should be taken not to allow this acid to touch
the surrounding skin; to prevent this the finger or
hand at the base of the wart may be covered with
wax during the operation.
Nothing is so repulsive as to see a lady or gentle-
man, however well dressed they may otherwise be,
with nails dressed in mourning.
Never bite the nails; it not only is a most dis-
agreeable habit, but tends to make the nails jagged,
deformed and difficult to clean, besides giving a red
and stumpy appearance to the finger-tips.
On no account scrape the nails with a view to
THE TOILETTE. 323
polishing their surface. Such an operation only
tends to make them wrinkled and thick.
The nails should be cut about once a week — cer-
tainly not oftener. This should be accomplished
jush after washing, the nail being softer at such a
time. Care should be taken not to cut them too
short, though, if they are left too long, they will
frequently get torn and broken. They should be
nicely rounded at the corners. Recollect, the filbert-
shaped nail is considered the most beautiful.
Some people are troubled by the cuticle adhering
to the nail as it grows. This may be pressed down
with the towel after washing; or should that not
prove efficacious, it must be loosened round the edge
with some blunt instrument.
It always results from carelessness and inattention
to the minor details of the toilet, which is most rep-
rehensible.
Absolute smallness of a hand is not essential to
beauty, which requires that the proper proportions
should be observed in the human figure. Many a
young girl remains idle for fear her hand will grow
larger by work, The folly of this idea is only equal-
ed by that of the Chinese woman who bandages the
feet of her daughter and does not permit her to walk
lest her feet should grow to the size Nature intended
them. What are our hands made for if not for
work? And that hand which does the most work
in the world is the hand most to be honored and to
be admired. The hand which remains small
324 THE TOILETTE.
through inaction is not only not beautiful, but to be
despised.
People afflicted with moist hands should revolu-
tionize their habits, take more out-door exercise and
more frequent baths. They should adopt a nutri-
tious but not over-stimulating diet, and perhaps take
a tonic of some sort. Local applications of starch-
powder and the juice of lemon may be used to
advantage.
With proper care the hand may be retained beau-
tiful, soft and shapely, and yet perform its fair share
of labor. The hands should always be protected by
gloves when engaged in work calculated to injure
them. Gloves are imperatively required for garden-
work. The hands should always be washed carefully
and dried thoroughly after such labor. If they are
roughened by soap, rinse them in a little vinegar or
lemon-juice, and they will become soft and smooth
at once.
The Feet.
If one would see a representation of a perfectly-
formed foot, let him turn to the pictures of Guido
and Murillo, who probably had for models the shape-
ly feet of Italian and Spanish peasants, which never
had known the bondage of a shoe.
If a modern artist succeeds in painting a perfect
foot, it must be looked upon as the result of inspira-
tion, for surely he can find no models among the shoe-
tortured, pinched and deformed feet of the men and
women of the present day.
THE TOILETTE. 325
We once had an opportunity to examine the feet of
a modern fashionable lady — feet which, encased in
their dainty gaiters, were as long and narrow and as
handsomely shaped as the most fastidious taste could
require. But what a sight the bare foot presented!
In its hideous deformity there was scarcely a trace
of its original natural shape. The forward portion
of the foot was squeezed and narrowed, the toes were
pressed together and moulded into the shape of the
narrow shoe. The ends of the toes, with the nails,
were turned down ; the big toe, instead of standing
a little apart from the others, was bent over toward
them, and its outline formed one side of a triangle,
of which the little toe and the ends of the interme-
diate toes were the second side, and the end of the big
toe the junction of the two sides. In addition to
this, the toes and the ball of the big toe were covered
with corns and calluses.
This deformity and disease, existing, no doubt, in
many a foot, we are called upon to regard as beauty
when hidden in its encasing shoe!
A well-formed foot is broad at the sole, the toes
well spread, each separate toe perfect and rounded in
form. The nails are regular and perfect in shape as
those of the fingers. The second toe projects a little
beyond the others, and the first or big toe stands
slightly apart from the rest and is slightly lifted, as
as we see in Murillo's beautiful picture of the infant
St. John.
The feet from the circumstance of their being so
326 THE TOILETTE.
much confined by boots and shoes, require more
care in washing than the rest of the body. Yet they
do not always get this care. " How is it," asked a
French lady, "that we are always washing our
hands, while we never wash our feet?" We trust
this statement of the case is not quite true, though
we fear that with some individuals it somewhat ap-
proaches it. The hands receive frequent washings
every day. Once a week is quite as often as many
people bestow the same attention upon the feet.
A perfectly-shaped foot can hardly be hoped for
in these days, when children's feet are encased in
shoes from earliest infancy and Nature is not allow-
ed to have her way at any time. In country places
where children are allowed to run barefoot during
the summer there is still some trace of beauty left ;
and instead of its being regarded as a misfortune to
be thus deprived of feet-covering, it should be es-
teemed an advantage.
" How dirty your hands are ! " exclaimed an as-
tonished acquaintance to Lady Montague, whom she
met in public with hands most decidedly unwashed.
Ah ! " replied that lady, in a tone of the utmost
unconcern; "what would you say if you saw my
feet?"
And what would we say if we saw many people's
feet? That they needed washing, certainly. A tepid
bath, at about 80° or 90°, should be used. The feet
may remain in the water about five minutes, and
the instant they are taken out they should be rapid-
THE TOILETTE. 827
ly and thoroughly dried by being well rubbed with
a coarse towel. Sometimes bran is used in the
water.
Some people are troubled with moist or damp feet.
This complaint arises more particularly during the
hot weather in summer-time, and the greatest care
and cleanliness should be exercised in respect to
it. Persons so afflicted should wash their feet twice
a day in soap and warm water; after which they
should put on clean socks. Should this fail to effect
a cure, they may, after being washed as above, be
rinsed; and then thoroughly rubbed with a mix-
ture consisting of half a pint of warm water and
three tablespoonfuls of concentrated solution of
chloride of soda.
After the bath is the time for paring the toe-nails,
as they are so much softer and more pliant after
having been immersed in warm water.
Few things are more invigorating and refreshing
after a long walk or getting wet in the feet than a
tepid foot-bath, clean stockings and a pair of easy
shoes.
To avoid chilblains on the feet it is necessary to
observe three rules: 1. Avoid getting the feet wet;
if they become so, change the shoes and stockings
at once. 2. Wear lamb's wool socks or stockings.
3. Never under any circumstances " toast your toes,"
before the fire, especially if you are very cold. Fre-
quent bathing of the feet in a strong solution of alum
is useful in preventing the coming of chilblains.
328 THE TOILETTE.
People who walk much are frequently afflicted
with blisters, and many are the plans adopted for
their prevention. Some soap their socks, some pour
spirits in their shoes, others rub their feet with glyce-
rine. The great point, however, is to have easy,
well-fitting boots and woolen socks. Should blisters
occur, a very good plan is to pass a large darning-
needle threaded with worsted through the blister
lengthwise, leaving, an inch or so of the thread out-
side at each end. This keeps the scurf-skin close to
the true skin, and prevents any grit or dirt entering.
The thread absorbs the matter, and the old skin re-
mains till the new one grows. A blister should not
be punctured save in this manner, as it may degener-
ate into a sore and become very troublesome.
On the first indication of any redness of the toes
and sensation of itching it would be well to rub them
carefully with warm spirits of rosemary, to which a
little turpentine has been added. Then a piece of
lint soaked in camphorated spirits, opodeldoc or
camphor liniment may be applied and retained on
the part.
Should the chilblain break, dress it twice daily
with a plaster of equal parts of lard and beeswax,
with half the quantity in weight of oil of turpentine.
It is tolerably safe to say that those who wear
loose, easy-fitting shoes and boots will never be
troubled with corns. Some people are more liable
to corns than others, and some will persist in the
use of tightly-fitting shoes in spite of corns. Though
THE TOILETTE, 329
these latter really deserve to suffer, it is still our
duty to do what we can to remove that suffering.
Pare the toe-nails squarer than those of the fin-
gers. Keep them a moderate length — long enough
to protect the toe, hut not so long as to cut holes in
the stockings. Always cut the nails; never tear
them, as is too frequently the practice. Be careful
not to destroy the spongy substance below the nails,
as that is the great guard to prevent them going into
the quick.
The toe-nails do not grow so fast as the finger-
nails, but they should be looked after and trimmed
at least once a fortnight. They are much more sub-
ject to irregularity of growth than the finger-nails,
owing to their confined position. If the nails show
a tendency to grow in at the sides, the feet should
be bathed in hot water, pieces of lint be introduced
beneath the parts with an inward tendency, and the
nail itself scraped longitudinally.
The remedies for corns are innumerable. There
is no doubt, however, that corns are the result of
undue pressure and friction. According to the old
formula, '* Remove the cause, and the effect will
cease." But how to remove it? As a general
preventive against corns adopt the plan of having
several pairs of shoes or boots in constant use, and
change every day. When the corn has asserted
itself, felt corn-plasters may be procured of the drug-
gist, taking care that you cut the aperture in them
large enough to prevent any portion of them press-
330 THE TOILETTE,
ing on the edges of the corn. Before long the corn
will disappear.
The great fault with modern shoes is that their
soles are made too narrow, If one would secure
perfect healthfulness of the feet, he should go to a
shoemaker and step with his stockinged feet on a
sheet of paper. Let the shoemaker mark with a
pencil upon the paper the exact size of his foot, and
then make him a shoe whose sole shall be as broad
as this outlined foot.
Still more destructive of the beauty and symmetry
of our women's feet have been the high, narrow
heels so much worn lately. They made it difficult
to walk, and even in some cases permanently crip-
pled the feet.
A shoe, to be comfortable, should have a broad sole
and a heel of moderate height, say one-half an inch,,
as broad at the bottom as at the top.
CHAPTER XXV.
TOILETTE RECIPES.
To Remove Freckles.
SCRAPE horseradish into a cup of cold sour
milk; let it stand twelve hours; strain, and
apply two or three times a day.
One ounce of alum, ditto of lemon-juice, in a pint
of rose-water.
Prepare the skin by spreading over it at night a
paste composed of one ounce of bitter almonds, ditto
of barley-flour, and a sufficient quantity of honey to
give the paste consistency. Wash off in the morning,
and during the day apply with a camel's-hair brush
a lotion compounded thus: One drachm of muriat-
ic acid, half a pint of rain-water and a teaspoonful
of lavender-wTater, mixed.
At night wash the skin with elder-flower water,
and apply an ointment made by simmering gently
one ounce of Venice soap, quarter of an ounce of
deliquated oil of tartar, and ditto of oil of bitter
almonds. When it acquires consistency, three drops
of oil of rhodium may be added. Wash the oint-
ment off in the morning with rose-water.
332 TOILETTE RECIPES.
Muriate of ammonia half a drachm, lavender-
water two drachms, distilled water half a pint;
apply two or three times a day.
Into half a pint of milk squeeze the juice of a
lemon, with a spoonful of brandy, and boil, skim-
ming well. Add a drachm of rock alum.
Mix lemon-juice one ounce, powdered borax
quarter of a drachm, sugar half a drachm; keep
for a few days in a glass bottle and apply occa-
sionally.
To Eemove Wrinkles.
Melt white wax one ounce to gentle heat, and add
juice of lily bulbs two ounces and honey two ounces,
rose-water two drachms and attar of roses a drop or
two. Use twice a day.
Use tepid water instead of cold in ablutions.
Put some powder of best myrrh upon an iron
plate sufficiently heated to melt the gum gently,
and when it liquefies cover your head with a napkin
and hold your face over the myrrh at a proper dis-
tance to receive the fumes without inconvenience.
Do not use it if it causes headache.
To Remove Discoloration of the Skin.
Elder-flower ointment one ounce, sulphate of zinc
twenty grains; mix well, and rub into the affected
skin at night. In the morning wash it off with
plenty of soap, and when the grease is completely
removed apply the following lotion : Infusion of rose-
TOILETTE RECIPES. 333
petals half a pint, citric acid thirty grains. All local
discolorations will disappear under this treatment;
and if freckles do not entirely yield, they will in
most instances be greatly ameliorated. Should any
unpleasant irritation or roughness of the skin follow
the application, a lotion composed of half a pint of
almond mixture and half a drachm of Goulard's ex-
tract will afford immediate relief.
To Remove Sunburn.
Milk of almonds, obtained at the druggist's, is as
good a remedy as any to use.
Cold Cream.
Melt together a pint of oil of sweet almonds, one
ounce of white wax, half an ounce of spermaceti
and half a pint of rose-water. Beat to a paste.
Put into a jar one pint of sweet-oil, half an ounce
of spermaceti and two ounces of white wax. Melt
in a jar by the fire. Add scent.
To Cure Chilblains.
Rub with alum and water.
Put the hands and feet two or three times a week
into warm water in which two or three handfuls of
common salt have been dissolved.
Rub with a raw onion dipped in salt.
When indications of chilblains first present them-
selves, take vinegar three ounces, camphorated spir-
its of wine one ounce; mix and rub.
334 TOILETTE RECIPES.
Hair-curling Fluid.
One of the fluids in use is made by dissolving a
small portion of beeswax in an ounce of olive oil
and adding scent according to fancy.
The various fluids advertised and recommended
for the purpose of giving straight hair a tendency to
curl are all impositions. The only curling-fluid of
any service is a very weak solution of isinglass,
which will hold the curl in the position in which it
is placed if care is taken that it follows the direction
in which the hair naturally falls.
To Prevent the Hair from Falling Off.
A quarter of a pint of cod-liver oil, two drachms
of origanum, fifteen drops of ambergris, the same of
musk.
Boxwood shavings six ounces, proof spirits twelve
ounces, spirits of rosemary two ounces, spirits of
nutmeg one-half an ounce. Steep the boxwood
shavings in the spirits for fourteen days at a temper-
ature of 60°; strain, and add the rest.
Vinegar of cantharides half an ounce, eau-de-co-
logne one ounce, rose-water one ounce. The scalp
should be brushed briskly until it becomes red, and
the lotion should then be applied to the roots of the
hair twice a day.
Eye Tooth Powder.
Rye contains carbonate of lime, carbonate of mag-
nesia, oxide of iron, manganese, and silica, all suita-
TOILETTE RECIPES. 835
ble for application to the teeth. Therefore a fine
tooth-powder is made by burning rye, or rye bread,
to ashes, and grinding it to powder by passing the
rolling pin over it. Pass the powder through a sieve
and use.
Bandoline.
This essential for the toilette is prepared in several
ways.
It may be made of Iceland moss, a quarter of an
ounce boiled in a quart of water, and a little rectified
spirits added, so that it may keep.
Simmer an ounce of quince seed in a quart of
water for forty minutes ; strain, cool, add a few drops
of scent, and bottle, corking tightly.
Take of gum tragacanth one and a half drachms,
water half a pint, rectified spirits mixed with an
equal quantity of water three ounces, and a little
scent. Let the mixture stand for a day or two, then
strain.
Rose-water.
Rose-water may be made by taking half an ounce
of powdered white sugar and two drachms of mag-
nesia; with these mix twelve drops of attar of roses.
Add a quart of water and two ounces of alcohol,
mixed in a gradual manner, and filter through blot-
ting-paper.
Lip-salve.
This indispensable adjunct to the toilette may be
336 TOILETTE BECIPES.
made by melting in a jar placed in a basin of boiling
water a quarter of an ounce each of white wax and
spermaceti, flour of benzoin fifteen grains, and half an
ounce of oil of almonds. Stir till the mixture is cool.
Color red with a little alkanet root.
To Acquire a Bright and Smooth Skin.
Distill two handfuls of jessamine flowers in a
quart of rose-water and a quart of orange-water.
Strain through porous paper, and add a scruple of
musk and a scruple of ambergris.
Tepid bath and harsh towel. Air and exercise.
Tepid water and bran. Infuse wheat-bran, well sif-
ted, for four hours in white wine vinegar; add to it
five yolks of eggs and two grains of ambergris, and
distill the whole. It should be carefully corked for
twelve or fifteen days. Constant application.
Sticking-plaster.
Stretch a piece of black silk on a wooden frame,
and apply dissolved isinglass to* one side of it with
a brush. Let it dry, repeat the process, and then
cover with a strong tincture of balsam of Peru.
To Improve the Complexion.
The whites of four eggs boiled in rose-water, half
an ounce of alum, half an ounce of oil of sweet
almonds ; beat the whole together until it assumes
the consistency of paste. Spread upon a silk or
muslin mask, to be worn at night.
TOILETTE RECIPES. 337
Burns.
An application of cold, wet common whitening,
placed on immediately, is recommended as an inval-
uable remedy.
Pimpernel Water.
Pimpernel is a most wholesome plant, and often
used in European countries for the purpose of whiten-
ing the complexion; it is there in so high reputa-
tion, that it is said generally, that it ought to be
continually on the toilet of every lady who cares for
the brightness of her skin.
Take a small piece of the gum benzoin and boil
it in spirits of wine till it becomes a rich tincture.
Fifteen drops poured into a glass of water; wash and
leave to dry.
To Soften the Hands.
Take half a pound of soft soap, a gill of salad
oil, an ounce of mutton tallow, and boil them till
they are thoroughly mixed. After the boiling has
ceased, but before the mixture is cold, add one gill
of spirits of wine and a grain of musk. Anoint
the hands, draw on gloves, and let them remain till
morning.
For Roughness op the Skin.
Steep the pimpernel plant in pure rain-water, and
bathe the face with the decoction.
Mix two parts of white brandy with one part of
338 TOILETTE RECIPES.
rose-water, and wash the face night and morning.
Take equal parts of the seed of the melon, pump-
kin, gourd and cucumber, pounded until they are
reduced to powder; add to it sufficient fresh cream to
dilute the flour, and then add milk enough to reduce
the whole to a thin paste. Add a grain of musk and
a few drops of the oil of lemon. Anoint the face
with this; leave it on twenty or thirty minutes, or
over-night if convenient, and wash off with warm
water. It gives a remarkable purity and brightness
to the complexion.
For Rough and Chapped Hands.
Lemon-juice three ounces, white wTine vinegar
three ounces, and white brandy one-half a pint.
To Prevent Hair Turning Gray.
Oxide of bismuth four drachms, spermaceti four
drachms, pure hog's lard four ounces. Melt the two
last and add the first.
To Soften and Beautify the Hair.
Beat up the whites of four eggs into a froth, and
rub thoroughly in close to the roots of the hair.
Leave it to dry on. Then wash the head and hair
clean with a mixture of equal parts of rum and rose- '
water.
To Remove Pimples.
Pimples are sometimes removed by frequent wash-
TOILETTE RECIPES. 339
ings in warm water and prolonged friction with a
coarse towel.
Sulphur-water one ounce, acetated liquor of am-
monia one-quarter of an ounce, liquor of potassa one
grain, white wine vinegar two ounces, distilled water
two ounces. Bathe the face.
To Remove Tan.
New milk half a pint, lemon-juice one-fourth of
an ounce, white brandy half an ounce. Boil the
whole, and skim clear from scum. Use night and
morning.
Cure eor Corns.
One teaspoonful of tar, one teaspoonful of coarse
brown sugar and one teaspoonful of saltpetre, the
whole to be warmed together. Spread it on kip
leather the size of the corns, and in two days they
will be drawn out.
Take nightshade berries, boil them in hog's lard,
and anoint the corn with the salve.
Chapped Lips.
Oil of roses four ounces, white wax one ounce,
spermaceti one-half an ounce. Melt in a glass
vessel and stir with a wooden spoon. Pour into a
glass or china cup.
Remedy for Black Teeth.
Take equal parts of cream of tartar and salt;
340 TOILETTE RECIPES.
pulverize it and mix it well. Then wash your
teeth in the morning, and rub them with the
powder.
To Clean the Teeth and Gums.
Take one ounce of myrrh in fine powder, two
tablespoonfuls of honey, and a little green sage in
very fine powder. Mix them well together, and
wet the teeth and gums with a little every night and
morning.
Pomade Against Baldness.
Take of extract of yellow Peruvian bark fifteen
grains, extract of rhatany-root eight grains, extract
of burdock-root and oil of nutmegs (fixed) of each
two drachms, camphor (dissolved with spirits of
wine) fifteen grains, beef-marrow two ounces, best
olive oil one ounce, citron-juice one-half a drachm,
aromatic essential oil as much as sufficient to render
it fragrant. Mix and make into an ointment.
Cologne.
Take one gallon of spirits of wine and add of the
oil of lemon, orange and bergamot each a spoonful,
also add extract of vanilla forty drops. Shake until
the oils are cut, then add a pint and a half of soft
water.
Take two drachms each of oil of lemon, oil of
rosemary and oil of bergamot, one drachm of oil of
lavender, ten drops each of oil of cinnamon and oil
of cloves, two drops of oil of rose, eight drops of
TOILETTE RECIPES. 341
tincture of musk, and one quart of alcohol or
spirits of wine. Mix all together, when it will be
ready for use. The older it gets, the better.
Take one gallon of ninety per cent alcohol, and
add to it one ounce each of oil of bergamot and oil
of orange, two drachms of oil of cedrat, one drachm
each of oil of neroli and oil of rosemary. Mix well,
and it is fit for use.
Ox-marrow Pomatum.
Take two ounces of yellow wax and twelve ounces
of beef-marrow. Melt all together, and when suffi-
ciently eool perfume it with the essential oil of
almonds.
Dentifrice.
The following is one of the best recipes for tooth-
powder: —
Take of prepared chalk six ounces, cassia powder,
half an ounce, orris-root, an ounce. These are to be
well mixed, and may be colored with red lake, or
any other innocent substance, according to the fancy
of the user. This dentifrice is to be used with a firm
brush every morning; the teeth should also be brush-
ed before going to bed, but it is seldom necessary to
use the powder more than once a day.
To Clean Kid Gloves.
Wash them with soap and water, then stretch
them on wooden hands or pull them into shape with-
342 TOILETTE RECIPES.
out wringing them ; next rub them with pipe-clay or
yellow ochre, or a mixture of the two, in any requir-
ed shade, made into a paste with beer; let them dry
gradually, and when about half dry rub them well,
so as to smooth them and put them into shape; then
dry them, brush out the superfluous color, cover
them with paper and smooth them with a warm
iron. Other colors may be employed to mix the
pipe-clay besides yellow ochre.
Another.
Put the gloves on your hands and wash them, as
if you were washing your hands, in some spirits of
turpentine, until quite clean; then hang them up in
a warm place or where there is a current of air, and
all smell of the turpentine will be removed.
By rubbing gloves with a clean cloth dipped in
milk and then rubbed on brown Windsor soap you
may restore them to a very fair state of cleanliness.
How to make Shoes and Boots Waterproof.
Take neats' foot oil and dissolve in it caoutchouc
(India-rubber), a sufficient quantity to form a kind
of varnish; rub this on your boots or shoes. The
oil must be placed where it is warm, and the caout-
chouc put into it in parings. It will take several
days to dissolve.
To Remove a Tight Ring.
When a ring happens to get tightly fixed on the
TOILETTE RECIPES. 343
finger, as it will sometimes do, a piece of common
twine should be well soaped, and then be wound
round the finger as tightly as possible or as can be
borne. The twine should commence at the point of
the finger and be continued till the ring is reached ;
the end of the twine must then be forced through the
ring with the head of a needle, or anything else that
may be at hand. If the string is then unwound, the
ring is almost sure to come off the finger with it.
To Loosen Stoppers of Toilette-bottles.
Let a drop of pure oil flow round the stopper, and
stand the bottle a foot or two from the fire. After a
time tap the stopper smartly, but not too hard, with
the handle of a hair-brush; if this is not effectual,
use a fresh drop of oil and repeat the process. It is
pretty sure to succeed.
Cleaning Jewelry.
Gold ornaments are best kept bright and clean
with soap and warm water, with which they should
be scrubbed, a soft nail-brush being used for the pur-
pose. They may be dried in box sawdust, in a bed
of wThich it is desirable to let them lie before the fire
for a time. Imitation jewelry may be treated in the
same way.
To Clean Kid Boots.
Mix a little white of egg and ink in a bottle, so
that the composition may be well shaken up when
required for use. Apply to the kid with a piece of
344 TOILETTE RECIPES.
sponge and rub dry. The best thing to rub with is
the palm of the hand. When the kid shows symp-
toms of cracking, rub in a few drops of sweet oil.
The soles and heels should be polished with common
blacking.
Cleaning Silver.
For cleaning silver, either articles of personal wear
or those pertaining to the toilette-table or dressing-
case, there is nothing better than a spoon-ful of com-
mon whitening, carefully pounded so as to be without
lumps, reduced to a paste with gin.
To Eemove Grease-spots.
French chalk is useful for removing grease-spots
from clothing. Spots on silk will sometimes yield
if a piece of blotting-paper is placed over them and
the blade of a knife is heated (not too much) and
passed over the paper.
To Clean Patent-leather Boots.
In cleaning patent-leather boots, first remove all
the dirt upon them with a sponge or flannel; then
the boot should be rubbed lightly over with a paste
consisting of two spoonfuls of cream and one of
linseed-oil, both of which require to be warmed be-
fore being mixed. Polish with a soft cloth.
To take Mildew out of Linen.
Wet the linen which contains the mildew with soft
water, rub it well with white soap, then scrape some
TOILETTE RECIPES. 345
fine chalk to powder and rub it well into the linen;
lay it out on the grass in the sunshine, watching to
keep it damp with soft water. Repeat the process
the next day, and in a few hours the mildew will
entirely disappear.
To Remove Stains and Spots from Silk.
We often find that lemon-juice, vinegar, oil of vit-
riol and other sharp corrosives stain dyed garments.
Sometimes, by adding a little pearl ash to a soap-
lather and passing the silks through these, the faded
color will be restored. Pearlash and warm water will
sometimes do alone, but it is the most efficacious to
use the soap-lather and pearlash together.
Boil five ounces of soft water and six ounces of
powdered alum for a short time, and pour it into
a vessel to cool. Warm it for use, and wash the
stained part with it and leave to dry.
Wash the soiled part with ether, and the grease
will disappear.
Toothache Preventive.
Use flowers of sulphur as a tooth-powder every
night, rubbing the teeth and gums with a rather
hard toothbrush. If done after dinner too, all the
better. It preserves the teeth and does not commu-
nicate any smell whatever to the mouth.
Certain Cure for a Felon.
Take a pint of common soft soap and stir in it air-
slaked lime till it is of the consistency of glazier's
346 TOILETTE RECIPES.
putty. Make a leather thimble, fill it with this com-
position and insert the finger therein, and change the
composition once in twenty minutes, and a cure is
certain.
Cure for the Croup.
A piece of fresh lard as large as a butternut, rub-
bed up with sugar in the same way that butter and
sugar are prepared for the dressing of puddings,
divided into three parts and given at intervals of
twenty minutes, will relieve any case of croup which
has not already progressed to the fatal point.
Cure for Ingrowing Nails on Toes.
* Take a little tallow and put it into a spoon, and
heat it over a lamp until it becomes very hot ; then
pour it on the sore or granulation. The effect will
be almost magical. The pain and tenderness will at
once be relieved. The operation causes very little
pain if the tallow is perfectly heated. Perhaps a re-
petition may be necessary in some cases.
To Remove Grease-spots from Woolen Cloth.
Take one quart of spirits of wine or alcohol,. twelve
drops of wintergreen, one gill of beef-gall and six
cents' worth of lavender. A little alkanet to color if
you wish. Mix.
To Clean Woolen Cloth.
Take equal parts of spirits of hartshorn and ether.
Ox-gali mixed with it makes it better.
TOILETTE RECIPES. 347
To take Ink-spots from Linen.
Take a piece of mould candle of the finest kind,
melt it, and dip the spotted part of the linen in the
melted tallow. Then throw the linen into the wash.
How to Darken Faded False Hair.
The switches, curls and frizzes which fashion de-
mands should be worn will fade in course of time;
and though they match the natural hair perfectly at
first, they will finally present a lighter tint. If the
hair is brown this can be remedied. Obtain a yard
of dark-brown calico. Boil it until the color has
well come out into the water. Then into this water
dip the hair, and take it out and dry it. Repeat the
operation until it shall be of the required depth of
shade.
How to Wash Laces.
Take an old wine-bottle and cover it with the cut-
off leg of a soft, firm stocking, sewing it tightly above
and below. Then wind the soiled collar or lace
smoothly around the covered bottle; take a fine
needle and thread and sew very carefully around the
outer edge of the collar, catching every loop fast to
the stocking. Then shake the bottle up and down in
a pailful of warm soap-suds, occasionally rubbing the
soiled places with a sponge. It can be rinsed
after the same manner. It must be rinsed well.
When the lace is clean, then apply a very weak
solution of gum arabic and stand the bottle in the
348 TOILETTE RECIPES.
sunshine to dry. Rip off the lace very carefully
when perfectly dry. Instead of ironing, lay it be-
tween the white leaves of a heavy book; or, if you
are in a hurry, iron on flannel between a few thick-
nesses of fine muslin. Done up in this way, lace
collars will wear longer, stay clean longer, and
have a rich, new, lacy look that they will not have
otherwise.
To Keep Hair in Curl.
To keep hair in curl, take a few quince-seed, boil
them in water, and add perfumery if you like; wet
the hair with this, and it will keep in curl longer than
from the use of any other preparation. It is also
good to keep the hair in place on the forehead on
going out in the wind.
Putting away Furs for the Summer.
When you are ready to put away furs and woolens,
and want to guard against the depredations of moths,
pack them securely in paper flour-sacks and tie them
up well. This is better than camphor or tobacco
or snuff scattered among them in chest and drawers.
Before putting your muffs away for the summer
twirl them by the cords at the ends, so that every
hair will straighten. Put them in their boxes and
paste a strip of paper where the lid fits on.
Remedy for Burnt Kid or Leather Shoes.
If a lady has had the misfortune to put her shoes
TOILETTE RECIPES. 349
or slippers too near the stove, and thus got them
burned, she can make them nearly as good as ever
by spreading soft-soap upon them while they are
still hot, and then, when they are cold, washing it off.
It softens the leather and prevents it drawing up.
To Clean Silks and Ribbons.
The water in which pared potatoes have been
boiled is very good to wrash black silks in ; it stiffens
and makes them glossy and black.
Camphene will extract grease and clean ribbons
without changing the color of most things. They
should be dried in the open air and ironed when
pretty dry.
Soap-suds answer very well. They should be wash-
ed in two suds and not rinsed in clean water.
Take equal quantities of soap lye-soap, alchol or
gin, and molasses. Lay the silk on a clean table
without creasing; rub on the mixture with a flannel
cloth. Rinse the silk well in cold clear water, and
hang it up to dry without wringing. Iron it, before
it gets dry, on the wrong side. Silks and ribbons
treated in this wTay will look very nice.
To Choose Good Black Silk.
Pull out a thread of the filling and see if it is
strong. If it stands the test, then rub one coner of
the silk in the hands as though washing it. After
this operation, if it be good silk, it will upon being
brushed out, look as smooth as ever. If, on holding
350 TOILETTE RECIPES.
it up to the light and looking through it, you see no
traces of the rubbing, be sure the silk is good. The
warp and filling should not differ much in size, or it
will not wear well. If you choose a figured silk, let
the figure be small and well woven in, else it will
soon present a frayed appearance, and you will have
to pick off the little tags of silk that will dot the
breadths.
How to Wash a Nubia.
These pretty fleecy things are often ruined in the
first washing. Yet it is possible to wash them and
have them look almost as well as ever. First braid the
tassels, then make a hot suds with fine castile soap,
and instead of rubbing or wringing it with the hands,
run it through the wringing-machine. Then open
the nubia as widely as possible and spread it on
some clean place to dry. A bed is a good place for
this. After it is thoroughly dry take the braid out
of the tassels, and the pretty little waves will be in
them just as before washing. It is the rubbing and
twisting of a nubia, or any knit article, which dam-
ages it, and makes it look old and worn instead of
light and airy and fleecy, as it does at first. If any
article of this kind is torn, it should be mended
carefully with crewel or fine silk of a corresponding
color. Then dampen the place repaired, lay a paper
over it, and press the spot with a warm iron.
To take Stains out op Silk.
Mix together in a vial two ounces of essence of
TOILETTE RECIPES. 351
lemon and one ounce of oil of turpentine. Grease
and other spots in silk must be rubbed gently with
a linen rag dipped in the above composition.
To Remove Acid-stains from Silk.
Apply spirits of hartshorn, with a soft rag.
How to Whiten Linen.
Stains occasioned by fruit, iron rust and other
similar causes may be removed by applying to the
parts injured a weak solution of the chloride of
lime, the cloth having been previously well washed.
The parts subjected to this operation should be sub-
sequently well rinsed in soft, clear, warm water, with-
out soap, and be immediately dried in the sun.
Oxalic acid diluted by water will accomplish the
same end.
Protection against Moths.
A small piece of paper or linen moistened with
turpentine and put into the wardrobe or drawers for
a single day two or three times a year is a sufficient
preservative against moths.
To Extract Paint from Garments.
Saturate the spot with spirits of turpentine, let it
remain a number of hours, then rub it between the
hands; it will crumble away without injury either to
the texture or color of any kind of woolen, cotton
or silk goods.
352 TOILETTE RECIPES.
To Remove Stains from White Cotton Goods,
Scalding water will remove fruit-stains. So also
will hartshorn diluted with warm water, but it will
be necessary to apply it several times.
Common salt rubbed on fruit stains before they
become dry will extract them.
Colored cotton goods that have ink spilled on
them should be soaked in lukewarm sour milk.
For mildew, rub in salt and some buttermilk, and
expose it to the influence of a hot sun. Chalk and
soap or lemon-juice and salt are also good. As
fast as the spots become dry more should be rubbed
on, and the garment should be kept in the sun until
the spots disappear. Some one of the preceding
things will extract most kinds of stains but a hot
sun is necessary to render any one of them ef-
fectual.
. To Remove Spots of Pitch or Tar.
Scrape off all the pitch or tar you can, then sat-
urate the spots with sweet-oil or lard; rub it in
well, and let it remain in a warm place for an hour.
the end.
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