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Full text of "Ekkoes from Kentucky"

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NASBY IN THE CABINET. Frontispiece. 



Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



BY 



PETROLEUM V. NASBY, 

p. M. AT CONFEDRIT X ROADS (WICH IS IN THE STATE UV KEN- 
TUCKY), AND PERFESSER UV BIBLIKLE POLITY IN THE 
SOUTHERN MILITARY AND CLASSIKLE INSTITOOT. 



A PERFECT RECORD UV THE UPS, DOWNS, AND EX- 
PERIENCES UV THE DIMOCRISY, DOORIN THE 
EVENTFUL YEAR 1 867, EZ SEEN BY 
A NATURALIZED KENTUCKIAN. 



Illustrated by Thomas Nasi. 



BOSTON: 
LEE AND SHEPARD 

1868. 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1867, by 

LEE AND SHEPARD, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of Massachusetts. 



STEREOTYPED AT THE 

lOSTON STEREOTYPE FOUNDRY, 

19 Spring Lane. 



DEDICASHUN. 



Ez no one who is worldly-wise worships the settin sun, 

but alluz the risin orb, 

This Book is NOT dedikated to Androo Johnson, 

whose sands uv life is needy run out, 

And who cannot remove me from my Post Offis, owin to 

the restrainin power uv the Tenur uv Offis act, 

BUT RUTHER TO 

GEO. E. PENDLETON, 
of Ohio; 

General GEO. B. McCLELLAN, 

When* last heerd uv, in Dresden, Germany; 

HORASHO SEYMORE, 

uv Noo York; or 

FRANKLIN PEERSE, 

uv Noo Hampsheer : 

One uv wich is certin of succeedin the individjooel fust 

named upon this page, and uv hevin, therefore, 

the disposin uv patronage, in case 

we succeed in 1868, 

These Pages are Inscribed, 



P.O. 

Stamp. 



With sentimence uv profound respeck, 

By the Author. 



P. O. CONFEDERIT X ROADS 

(wlch Ib in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
Dec. 1, 1807. 



(8) 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 

Prefis, or Interductry Chapter, 7 

1. The Amnesty Proclamation, ig 

2. Project OF a College, 21 

3. The Patriarchal System, 29 

4. Mr. Nasby in North Carolina, 35 

5. Laying the Corner Stone of the College 

Edifice, 42 

6. He Essays a Sermon, 49 

7. He does the Corners a Service, 57 

8. Case under the Vagrant Act, 66 

9. A McCracken Mission, 73 

10. School Books fqr the South, 81 

11. Mr. Nasby desires Confirmation, .... 89 

12. He takes a Retrospective View, 98 

13. The Negro Vote, 105 

14. The Connecticut Election, 113 

15. The Russian Purchase, 123 

16. The Radical Change, 133 

(5) 



6 Contents. 

Pack 

17. Mr. Nasby preaches a Sermon on Universal 

Brotherhood, 140 

18. Death of Elder Gavitt, 149 

19. Jeff Davis in Richmond, 157 

20. Jeff Davis and the " Institoot," .... 166 

21. A Vision of the next World, 175 

22. A Trip to Raleigh, 184 

23. The Boston Excursion, 194 

24. A Dream, 204 

25. A National Convention, 213 

26. An Autobiographical Sketch, 221 

27. The Negro Question, 230 

28. A Consultation at the Corners, .... 238 

29. The Kentucky and Tennessee Election, . 245 

30. Mr. Nasby Visits New Orleans, 253 

31. The Amnesty Proclamation, 263 

32. The Suffrage Question, 271 

33. The Antietam Dedication, 281 

34. The Ohio Election, 288 

35. A Jollification at the Corners, 299 

36. A Meeting at the Corners, 308 

37. The November Elections, 316 



PREFIS, 

OR 

INTERDUCTRY CHAPTER 



SKOLARS, and men wich wuzn't skolars, 
hev deprekated the manufakter uv so many 
books. Whether they were justified or not in 
their strikters, it doesn't become me to say. 
Probably they wood say to me, ef I should con- 
sult em (wich I shel not), *' Don't publish this 
book ; there's reely no okkashun for it ! " 
There isn't? Did the capchus adviser see the 
state uv my pants ? Did he observe the wreckt 
condishun of my boots? Is he aware that I 
am in arrears for board ? Not publish my book ! 
Kin T so far forget my dooty to humanity? 
Nary. Its publikashen will at least do one 
sufFrin man good, and that's more than half uv 
the writers kin say. What recks it that that 

(7) 



8 Prefis, or 

one is me? Wat posterity will say I don't 
know ; neither do I care. I ain't labrin for pos- 
terity; neither did my father, else x hed bin 
better off. Posterity may assign me a niche 
in the temple uv massive intellex, or may not ; 
it's all one to the subscriber. I woodn't give a 
ten-cent postal currency for wat the next gen- 
erashen will do for me. It's this gener ashen 
I'm goin for. So much for Buckinham ! 

When I last communed with my readers, 
Democrisy wuz about the most bustid institoo- 
shen in this country. Dimocrisy hed under- 
took to carry the President, and it broke down 
under the load. Then the President undertook 
to carry the Dimocrisy, and he broke down 
under that load. Both were sootable to be car- 
ried, but neither hed the strength to carry the 
tother. And so, doorin the winter, spring, and 
summer they lay, both at the bottom uv the 
ditch uv despondency, lookin helplessly at each 
other, but neither able to help his fellow-sufFrer. 
They wood hev embraced, but they hedn't 
strength enuff to roll together. 

The Fall elections revived us. The Ab- 



Interductry Chapter. 9 

lishnists uv Maine didn't vote, wich give our 
people in Californy strength; the carryin uv 
that State discouraged em in Ohio and Pennsyl- 
vany, wich, follered up, give us the overwhelm- 
in triumph in Noo York. That give us life ; 
that infused vigger into us. It operatid like a in- 
vigorator — a stiff v^un — does onto the bowels 
uv a KentUckian whose flask is out, and who 
hezn't bin neer a bar-room for thirty-six hours. 
It wuz strengthenin. 

These confliks may be considered the skir- 
mishin percedin the main battle. We hev 
druv in their outposts ; shel we be ez successful 
when we storm their works ? Upon the anser 
to that conundrum depends much. Ef we do, 
then shel the Post Offis wich I now hold be 
mine four years longer ; then shel I still enjoy 
the conjenial society uv them wich long assosi- 
ashen with hez made deer ; then for four years 
wall my sustenance be ashoored. That will do 
me. I probably wont eggsist longer. Within 
that time my venerable biler, now weakened in 
spots, will hev bustid, and I shel hev gone to 
join Elder Gavitt, wherever he may be. 



lo Prefis, or 

We kin conker, however, and we must. We 
hev the AbHshnists onto the hip. They endorst 
the nigger in 1863 and 4, and the people stood 
it becoz they needed him. It didn't become the 
city, wich hed filled its quota with nigger troops, 
to go back on the Ethiopian. Neither did it 
look well for the Ablishnist, who praised em for 
ther devoshun at Petersburg, etcetra, to deny 
that the}^ wuz a man and a brother. But now 
THE Nigger ain't needed. Grim war hez 
smoothed his wrinkled front, and we are ca- 
prin gayly in my lady's chamber to the lasciv- 
ious soundins uv the loot. Now, the servis the 
nigger rendered us fades out uv our remem- 
brance, wich it does faster than his color did in 
strikly Democratic States under the old arrange- 
ment. They don't want him any more ; and, 
glory ! he's the same d — d nigger he alluz wuz. 
So duz the wholesome prejudis agin color swal- 
low up gratitood ! So does the pride uv race 
smother wat the thin-skind uv the Radikels call 
justis ! 

It is onto this string we must harp. The 
Democrisy hev alluz conkered when they went 



Interductry Chapter. ii 

calmly on — secoor in the beleef that all man- 
kind wuz either ninnies or raskels. They ain't 
fur out uv the way. The nigger is now onfit 
for citizenship — let it be our dooty to see that 
he continues onfit. Shood he rise to an intel- 
lektooal level with us, we are out uv an argu- 
ment agin. The law agin schoolin uv em 
must be enforced ; the laws regulatin their la- 
bor must be made ez stringent ez ever ; for ef 
they are allowed to go unregulated, the Ab- 
lishnists will say to-wunst that sich ain't nessary. 
We must keep a worritin, and pokin, and 
punchin this lion, that his roarin may show the 
necessity uv our bein kep in power to restrain 
him. 

I bleeve in commencin early. Let outrages 
by niggers be commenst to-wunst. Let nig- 
gers be found dead uv starvashen ez soon ez 
possible. Let the shuddrin uv Democratic 
damsels over the horrors uv bein forst to con- 
tract matermonyel alliances with niggers be got 
up immejitly, and let ther shudders be strong. 
Let the heresy uv the Noo York World, that 
niggers don't stink, be refooted by a body uv 



12 Prefis. 

Dimekratic ethnologists, who shel assert that 
they do, and make oath to it ; and, in short, let 
all the old machinery, wich served us so well in 
days gone by, be set in moshen agin, and all 
will be well with us. 

Then shel we conker. Then shel we regain 
that wich we lost in i860, and in the haven uv 
success, feedin fat onto the manna uv public 
patronage, enjoy for a time the felicity of livin 
under Dimekratic laws, made by Dimekrats, 
and executed by Dimekrats. 
So mote it be. 

Petroleum V. Nasby 

(Wich is Postmaster). 

P. O., CONFEDERIT X ROADS 

(wich is in the State uv Kentucky). 



Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



The Amnesty Proposition. — The Inhabitants of 
the Cross Roads made the Victims of a Cruel 
and Heartless Hoax. 






CoNFEDRiT X Roads 
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
December 3, 1866. 

I NEVER wuz so elevated, nor never so cast 
down, in my life, ez last nite, and the entire 
Corners wuz ditto. The circumstances uv the case 
wuz ez follows : Me and a party uv friends wuz a 
playin draw poker with a Noo York commershel 
travler, I believe they call em, a feller with a mus- 
tash and side whiskers, wich comes South a talkin 
secesh and a sellin goods. He made some inquiries 
about the standin uv the deelers at the Corners, and 
wu^, arter sed inquiries, eggstreemly anxious to sell 
em goods, for cash. They wanted em on ninety 

(13) 



14 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

days* time, and on this they split. He agreed with 
em in principle — he drank to Jeff Davis, and 
damned Linkin flooently — but on the cash question 
he wuz inflexible and unmovable. To while away 
the rosy hours, a knot of choice sperits, him in- 
clooded, gathered in the Post Orifis, to enjoy a game 
uv draw poker. There wuz me and Square Gavitt, 
and Deekin Pogram, and Elder Slathers, and the 
Noo York drummer. We played till past the 
witchin hour of 12 M., when graveyards yawn and 
gosts troop forth — when the Noo Yorker suckumd. 
His innocent, unseasoned bowels hedn't bin eddi- 
cated up to the standard uv Kentucky whiskey, 
wich, new ez we drink it, is pizen to foreigners. 
The Deekin and Elder grabbed the stakes wich wuz 
onto the table, and rifled his pockets on the sus- 
pishen that he wuz a Ablishinist, and rolled him 
out, and while in the very act. Pollock, the Illinoy 
storekeeper, cum rushin in, askin us ef we'd heerd 
the news. 

We ansered yoonanimusly that we hedn*t. 

" Pm jist in from Looisville," sed he ; "I jist rode 
over from the stashen. Looisville is in a blaze uv 
glory ! " 

" Wat," sez I, " hez Sumner killed Thad Stevens 
and immejitly committed sooicide?" 



The Amnesty Proposition. 15 

" Nary," sez he, " but Johnson and Congress hev 
come together on the basis uv yooniversal Amnesty, 
wich wuz proclaimed yesterday, to be foUered by 
yooniversal suffrage ez soon ez the South kin con- 
veniently do it. They hev met and embraced on 
Horris Greely's plan." 

Deekin Pogram bust into a hysterical laff, and 
in his joy handed me the proceeds uv his explora- 
• shen uv the pockets uv the Noo Yorker, and like a 
blessed old lunatic broke for the meetin-house. In a 
moment or tw^o the bell pealed forth its joyous notes, 
and in a minit more the half-dressed villagers wuz 
seen emergin from their respective domiciles in all 
stiles uv attire. A few^ minits sufficed to make them 
understand wat wuz the occasion uv the uproar, 
and a more enthoosiastic population never woke the 
ekkoes. Afore five minutes hed rolled oflf into eter- 
nity, ther wuz a bonfire blazin on the North side uv 
the square, the sed bonfire bein a nigger skool- 
house wich the Freedmen's Commishn hed erected, 
and wich our enthoosiastic citizens hed in their 
delirium uv joy set fire to. It was emblematic. 
The smoke ez it rolled to the South methawt as- 
soomed the shape uv a olive branch — the cry uv 
the nigger children wich coodent escape, symbolized 
their desertid condishn, and the smell uv em ez 



1 6 Ekkoes from Kentucky, 

they roasted wuz like unto incense, grateful to our 
nostrils. 

A informal meetin wuz to wunst organized by the 
lite of the burnin skool-house, to wich Deekin Po- 
gi'am addressed hisself. He remarked that this wuz 
a solemn occasion, so solemn indeed that he felt 
inadekate to express the feelins wich filled him. 
His mouth wuzn't big enough to give vent to his 
sole, though ef he didn't he'd bust. " Wat are we 
met for to-nite, my friends?" sed he ; " wat calls us 
together? Wherefore these sounds uv joy — where- 
fore this fire, and wherefore is Bascom sellin likker 
at half price? Becoz we are rehabilitated — that's 
wat we are. Becoz the North hez gone into the 
olive branch bizness agin, and we hev wunst more 
our rites. We are amnestied. We kin vote — we 
kin go to Congress — we are agin citizins uv the 
great Republic." 

Pollock, the lUinoy storekeeper, riz and begged 
permishn to say a word. He protested agin these 
doins. He understood, akkordin to Horris Greely's 
plan, that yooniversal suffrage wuz to follow yooni- 
versal amnesty — why then this makin John Rod- 
gerses uv the niggers? Wuz the South a goin to 
act in good faith ? 

Deekin Pogram replied : The South never yit 



The Amnesty Proposition. 17 

broke plighted faith save when she cood make 
suthin by so doin. At this present junkter uv 
affairs he presoomed the South wood extend, not 
precisely universal suffrage to the niggers, but the 
way wood be opened to em. Sich a mass uv igno- 
rance cood never be trusted with the ballot without 
preparashen, and to prepare em wood be a over- 
turnin the Kentucky theory, that the nigger is a 
beast, and the Northern Demokratic idea that the 
nigger wiiz cust by Noer and doomed forever to be 
a slave. 

" The gentleman from lUinoy will to-wunst perceive 
the fix we are in. They ain't fit for the ballot now, 
and ef we make em so, it overturns our theory, wich 
we can't do. Still we propose to be just to em. We 
shel give sich uv em the ballot ez are suffishently 
intellijent, and we shel not put the standard too high 
nuther'. We shel give every wun uv em the ballot 
who is able to reed the Greek testament flooently 
and pass a credible examinashen in Lattin, embroid- 
ery, French, German, English Grammar and double- 
entry book-keepin. The path to the polls, yoo see, 
is open to em. Uv course we can't be expectid to 
tolerate skool-houses for em, coz that wood raise em 
above their normal condishen. Also, ther must be 
proper regulashens controllin em, for, my deer sir, 
2 



1 8 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

they are mere infants, and ther totterin steps on the 
road to freedom needs directing. Society is a com- 
promise in wich every one resigns ez much uv his 
persnel liberty ez the good uv the hull may demand. 
We count ourselves the hull, and the resinin uv pers- 
nel liberty must come from them. That nigger," 
sed he, pintin to v^'un wich the joyous citizens wuz 
stringin up to Bascom's sign-post, " that nigger is a 
resinin his persnel freedom for the good of the hull. 
No doubt in his heart he murmurs, and ef the cord 
w^ich is chokin him cood be loosened, he v^ood re- 
pine. It is rough on him ; but the sooperiority uv 
the Caucashn race must be — My God ! it's one 
uv my niggers ! Stop ! Bascom, stop ! " ejackilated 
the Deekin, but it wuz too late. The nigger wuz 
already black in the face and hed ceased to kick, 
and the Deekin, heavin a sigh, perceeded. 

" We shel scroopulously regard their rites. They 
shel hev the rite to buy land, and be in all respecks 
like us, ez soon ez they kin be trusted. Till then 
they will hev to be restrained. There must be 
laws prohibitin em from receivin more than $450 
per month, that, they may not become bloated aris- 
tocrats and pampered sons uv luxury — the proper 
development of the country, and likewise the pay- 
ment of the Confedrit debt, requires manuel labor, 



The Amnesty Proposition. 19 

wich we wuz never edjucated to do, and therefore 
the good of the whole requires that they shel resigne 
their persnel liberty so fur ez to be confined to the 
plantashuns, onto which they hev engaged to laber, 
that they may relijusly do it, which is cleerly nes- 
sary, for yoo see ef I hire a nigger in Janooary, I 
must not be exposed to the chances uv his quittin 
me in July. But wat more kin they want? They 
are free to ez great a extent ez the good of sosiety 
will permit. We shel give em qualified suffrage, 
fixin, uv course, wich is just, the qualifications our- 
selves, and bein valyooable members of society, here- 
after we shel care fur em, so long ez they are heal- 
thy — Good Lord, why will them cusses persist in 
hangin up able-bodied niggers when there's so many 
old ones around, good for nuthin but to celebrate 
with ? " and to save another wun uv his former ser- 
vants, the Deekin closed abruptly. 

It is onnecessary to recount the further doins uv 
the nite. There wuz a skool-house and church, re- 
cently erected, burnd, with some skore or sich a 
matter uv young niggers in em, which wuz too young 
to be uv any yoose, save one girl, -wich wuz neerly 
white and almost fifteen, wich ought to hev bin res- 
kood, and five, ef I counted correctly, able-bodied 
men and wimin wuz hung. Bascom sold out his 



20 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

stock entirely, and by 3 A. M. the entire inhab- 
itance uv the Corners wuz a layin around the square, 
in festoons. 

There wuz a bitter awakenin to this scene uv fes- 
tivity. At a little after 7, w^hile the Deekin, the 
Elder, and myself, wuz in Bascom's tryin to get an 
assuager — and the best we cood do wuz to pour a 
quart uv water into a barrel wich hed bin emptied, 
and roll it around and thus flavor it — Captain 
McPelter, late uv Morgan's cavalry, cum in from 
Looisville. Eagerly we asked him the confirmation 
uv the tidins, when he informed us that it wuz a 
hoax — that no such thing hed been done, nor wuz 
Congris in any sich a noshen. Pollock dropped in, 
and when I reproached him with his dooplicity, he 
ansered that it wuz a hoax, but he hoped we'd 
excoose him. He hed a cravin desire to see whether 
ef Amnesty and Suffi-age shood be adopted, how 
fur we'd go in the latter direction. He wuz satis- 
fied, and honestly hoped we'd forgive him the pleas- 
ant jest. He'd made the Corners lively one nite, 
any how. I wuz too profoundly disgusted to reply 
to the wretch. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



Project of a College. 21 



n. 



Mr, Nashy and the Circle of Friends of which he 
is the Mentor^ Ornament and Guide^ feeling the 
need of an Institution of Learning for the Touth 
of Kentucky^ project a College, 



CoNFEDRiT X Roads 
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
December 9, 1866 



'A 



SQUARE Gavitt, Deekin Pogram, Capt. Mc- 
Pelter and myself wuz in the Post Offis last 
nite, wich, next to Bascom's, hez got to be the cheef 
resort uv the leading intellex uv the Corners, a talkin 
over matters and things, vv^hen the Deekin happened 
to menshun that next week his second son, Elijer, 
who hez intelleck into him, was a goin to start for 
Michigan to enter a college. 

"Wat!" sed I, "do yoo perpose to send that 
noble yooth, Elijer Pogram, to a Ablishn State, to 
enter a Ablishn college, to suck his knollege from 
a Ablishn mother ? Good Heavens ! Frailty, thy 
name is woman. 



22 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

[I hedn't any ijee that this last remark wuz ap- 
propos, but it sounds well, and I hev notist that it 
don't make much difference wat the cotashun is so 
ez yoo end a remark with a cotoshun.] 

The Deekin remarked that it wuz painful ; but 
the fact wuz, Elijer must hev a edjucashen. He 
didn't bleeve in edjucashen, generally speekin. The 
common people wuz better off without it, ez edju- 
cashen hed a tendency to unsettle their minds. 
He hed seen the evil effex uv it in niggers and poor 
whites. So soon ez a nigger masters the spellin 
book and gits into noosepapers, he becomes dissatis- 
fied with his condishn, and hankers after a better 
cabin and more wages. He to-wunst begins to in- 
sist onto ownin land hisself, and givin his children 
educashen, and, ez a nigger, for our purposes, aint 
worth a soo markee. Jes so with the poor whites. 
He knowd one melloncolly instance. A poor cuss 
up toards Garrittstown, named Ramsey, learnt to 
read afore the war, and then commenst deterioratin. 
For two years he refoozed to vote the Dimocratic 
ticket, then he blossomed out into a Ablishnist and 
tried to make the others uv his class discontented 
by tellin uv em that Slavery wuz wat kept them 
down, and finally, after pashense ceased to be a 
virchoo, and we tarred and fethered him one nite 



Project of a College. 23 

for a incendiary, he went to Injiany. That cuss cum 
back here, doorin the late onpleasantniss, kernel of a 
rigiment, wich he campt on my farm and subsisted 
em off it. 

" Sum educashen is, however, nessary. I design 
Elijer for Congris, and he must hev it. He's a true 
Pogram, and nothin will strike in wich kin hurt 
him." 

" Why not," sez I, " that the Southern yooth may 
be properly trained, start a College uv our own? 
Why, Deekin, run risks uv hevin the minds uv our 
young men tainted with heresy ? " 

The entire company wuz struck with the idea, 
and it wuz earnestly canvassed, and finally decided 
upon ; and I wuz deppytized to start it, wich I 
immejitly did. The name by wich the new college 
is to be known is " The Southern Classikle, Theo- 
logikle and Military Institoot uv Confedrit X Roads 
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky)." 

The college grounds is to comprise one hundred 
akers taken from corners uv the farms uv Deekin 
Pogram, Elder Slathers and Capt. McPelter, wich 
ground they sell the college, seein it's for that pur- 
pose, for $300 per aker. 

The faculty will be, ef we kin sekoor em, com- 
posed uv these trooly great minds : --^ 



24 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Genril Forrest, late C. S. A., Professor uv Moral 
Philosophy. 

Kernell Mosby, late C. S. A., Professor uv Rheto- 
ric and Belles Lettres. 

Capt. McGee, late C. S.A., Professor uv Natural 
Sciences. 

Genril Magruder, late C. S. A., Professor uv vs^at- 
ever is understood by them ez is posted in college 
matters, ez Classics, w^ich I shel look up ez soon ez 
I hev time. 

This is a killin two birds vs^ith one stun. We not 
only pervide educashen, wich is safe for our young 
men, but we pervide comfortable places for the 
heroes uv the late onpleasantniss. 

In addition to these, Deekin Pogram, Square 
Gavitt and myself, each pledged ourselves to endow 
a Professorship in the Theologikle Department, to 
be known by our names, and we to hev the appintin 
uv the Professors. 

The Pogram Chair uv Biblikle Theology will be 
offered to Rev. Henry Clay Dean, uv Iowa, pro- 
vided he will stipulate to wash his feet wunst per 
quarter and change his shirt at least twice per 
annum. 

The Gavitt Chair uv Biblikle Literatoor will be 
offered to Rev. C. Chauncey Burr, uv Noo York ; 
and, 



Project of a College. 25 

The Nasby Chair uv Biblikle Politicks will be 
filled by Rev. Petroleum Vesoovius Nasby, whose 
eminent fitniss for the place is undispooted. 

In the Scientific and Classikle Departments the 
text-books will be keerfially revised, and everything 
uv a Northern or levelin tendency will be scroopu- 
lously expergated. In the Theologikle Department 
speshl attenshun will be given to the highly nessary 
work uv preparin the stoodents for comin out strong 
on the holinis uv Slavery, and to this end the three 
years' course will be devotid thus : — 

ist year — To the cuss uv Noer. 

2d year — To provin that the Afrikin nigger wuz 
reely the descendants uv Ham. 

3d year — Considerin the various texts wich go to 
show that Afrikin slavery is not only permitted 
by the skripters, but especially enjoined. 

I shell myself lectur, from time to time, on Ham, 
Hager and Onesimus, that the bearins uv these indi- 
vidooals upon our system may be fully understood, 
and also on sich subjects ez the inflooense uv stimu- 
latin flooids upon the human system, the cat-o'-nine- 
tails ez a evangelizer, and sich other topics ez may 
from time to time sejest themselves. 



26 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

The young men confided to our care will receive 
not only a solid collegiate educashun, ez it is under- 
stood at the North, but careful attention will be paid 
to the accomplishments so nessary to the troo South- 
ern gentleman. They will be taught draw poker, 
pitchin dollars (real Spanish dollars will be provided 
for the purpose), spittin at a mark, revolver and 
bowie knife practice, tournament ridin at rings (real 
injy rubber rings will be provided — this'U be extra), 
and cat-o'-nine-tails. The morals uv the stoodents 
will be scroopulously looked after. No card-play in 
will be allowed afore servis on Sunday, and none 
watever with the servants. They will be taught to 
respeck themselves. 

Uv course, there will hev to be a large outlay uv 
money, wich it stands to reason can't be outlayed till 
it's inlayed. 

We, therefore, formed an Executive Committe, 
whose dooty it wuz made to solissit funds for this 
purpose, and to inaugerate a series uv Gift Enter- 
prises, and sich, wich is ez follows : — 

Deekin Pogram, President. 

Elder Slathers, Vice-President. 

Capt. McPelter, Corresponding Secretary. 

Myself, Financial Secretary and 

Treasurer. 



Project of a College. 27 

The high standin iiv the Board, particklerly the 
Treasurer, wich hez the handlin uv the funds, is a 
suffishent guarantee that all money subscribed will 
be faithfully applied. It wuz resolved, in order that 
the Board may present that respectable appearance 
wich their posishen demands, that the first funds 
reseeved should be applied to the purchis uv each 
uv em a new soot uv clothes, a step, I am confident, 
the friends uv southern educashen will approve uv 
and heartily endorse. 

I hev hopes in the course uv a week to report 
progress. Every subscriber uv $2.50 and upwards, 
will hev a Honorary Professorship named after him, 
or will be made a Honoraiy Member uv the Board 
uv Directors, ez he chooses. We regret that we 
wuz too late to git Admiral Semmes to fill one uv 
the chairs ; but we pledge our friends to sekoor his 
fust lootenant, or sekkond, at farthest. We hev 
high hopes uv a libral support from the Dimocrisy 
north. They cannot but realize the dangers uv 
sendin their sons to sich institooshens uv learnin 
north ez must turn em out Ablishnists, or chill, at 
least, the ardoor uv their Dimocrisy. 

It is to be hoped that contributions for the buildin 
uv the institooshen and its proper endowment will 



28 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

be commenst immejitly, ez there is a morgage on 
Deekin Pogram's farm, and I am in pressin need 
uv a substanshel soot uv winter clothes. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). ' 



The Patriarchal System. 29 



III. 



Mr, Nasby tries to weep at the Tomb of a 
Friend^ and witnesses a Sisterly Fight, — The 
Disadva7itages of the Patriarchal System, 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads \ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), V 

December 15, 1866. J 

IHEERD, nearly two months ago, that my old 
friend, John Guttle, uv Mobeel, hed departed 
this life and gone to that other and better world 
where the wicked cease from troublin and the weery 
are at rest, and wuz profoundly shocked. John 
Guttle wuz my friend, and I much feer his like I 
ne'er shall look upon agin. He wuz a Democrat uv 
the old skool, one uv the few links wich remaned 
to connect the present generation with the past. 
Well do I remember the gellorious old man ! How 
often hev I set in the square room in his country 
residence, and drunk wiskey and water with him 
till we neither on us could see a hole thro a forty- 
foot ladder ; how many times hez he flogged niggers 



30 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

for my amoozment, to show me the proper way uv 
managin uv em ; and how many times hez he lent 
me small sums uv money, varyin from five to thirty- 
one dollars, akkordin to the state uv mellernis he 
wuz in when I approached him on the delikit sub- 
jik ! Alas ! poor John Guttle. Let not the skoffer 
say that I regret his death becoz his sons will be apt 
to try and collect the notes the old man departed 
holds uv mine ! No, no ! they know me too well 
to waste any time on that. I mourn becoz I loved 
him, and becoz uv the misfortunes which druv him 
to a prematoor grave. A. Linkin is responsible for 
this dark shadder onto my pathway. John Guttle 
hed three hundred niggers on his plantashens and in 
his house in town — thes6 wuz wrencht from him 
by the Proclamashen, and turned out from his pater- 
nal care to starve, which the most uv em are indus- 
trously doin at about $3 per day. He hed em uv 
all hues — there wuz the full-blooded Black, the 
disgustin Mulatter, the pleasant Qiiadroon, the beau- 
tiful Octoroon, and them which hed so nearly lost 
the cuss of Ham ez to be hardly distinguishable 
from the pure Caucashun ; and it wuz noticeable 
that the nearly white niggers on the Guttleses plan- 
tatin wuz all beautiful. The Guttleses theirselves 
wuz perfeck specimens uv manly beauty, and it 



-The Patriarchal System. 31 

probably bed its efFeck upon the blacks. The nig- 
ger is a imitative animal. 

It wuz this robbin uv him uv his property — this 
overturnin uv the normal condishn uv things — 
which killed John Guttle. He never held up his 
head after the Proclamashen, but faded aw^ay like 
a frostid flower ! 

I wus in Mobeel last week on biznis connected 
with our college (it wuz solisitin funds to endow 
my Professorship), and I felt that I cood not leave 
the sity without droppin a dozen teers or sich onto 
his grave. I felt, ez he bed contribbitted at various 
times so much to moisten my clay, that it would be 
ungentlemanly not to do suthin toward moistenin 
hizzen. And in pursuance uv my resolve, I wended 
my way sadly to the cemetry, and, findin the tomb, 
struck an attitood uv dispair, and leanin pensively 
onto the moniment, strove, to the best uv my ability, 
to weep, but it wuz a futile endeavor. My eyes 
woodent give down. I strove to recall his virchoos, 
but sich is the wxaknis uv human nacher that 
whenever his form rose in my memory, my mind 
involuntarily wandered to his wiskey, and my mouth 
would water to sich an extent ez to monopolize all 
the moisture in my system. I cood hev spit onto 



32 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

his grave, but weep I could not. Alas for poor 
humanity ! 

When I wuz a standin there tryin to weep, and 
makin a bad fist uv it, I notist three beautiful young 
ladies approachin, with baskits ov hot-house flowers 
a hangin onto their arms. I recognized em to- 
wunst. They wuz John Guttle's daughters, and 
they wuz a comin to strew flowers onto the grave 
uv their paternal ancestor on their father's side. It 
wuz a techin site ; and feelin that I wuz a introoder, 
not bein a blood relashun, and only connected with 
the deceest by notes uv hand, I withdrew a short 
distants. Skasely had they got to the tomb, when 
from the other side approached three more ravishin- 
ly beautiful young ladies, with baskits uv hot-house 
flowers onto their arms. The last ones resembled 
in a strikin manner the fust ones, ceptin they wuz a 
shade darker, and their hare waved bootiful, where- 
as the hare uv the fust wuz perfeckly strate. 

The two parties faced each other on opposite 
sides uv the toom, and party Number One glared 
fiercely at party Number Two. 

" Lize ! Flora ! Jane ! " sed the oldest uv party 
Number One, " wat are yoo doin here?" 

" Sisters," sed the eldest uv party Number Two, 
" we're here dischargin a fiUyel dooty. Beneeth 



The Patriarchal System. 33 

these sod lies the remains uv our father, and we are 
goin to strew these flowers onto his toom. Jine us 
. in the strew." 

"Father?" shreeked the three uv party Number 
One. "Yoor all niggers and wuz servants unto — " 

" Our half-sisters," sed the spokesman uv party 
Number Two ; " but Linkin removed the cuss uv 
Ham, and we're now free, and hev ez much rite to 
strew the grave uv our common parlent, which wuz 
John Guttle, ez yoo. O ! our sisters, our father 
wuz a good man — let us bedew his grave with our 
teers and — " 

" Wat impudence ! " shreeked party Number One, 
all in korious. 

"Impudence yoorself!" retorted party Number 
Two, getting red in the face. " We are John Gut- 
tleses daughters percisely ez much ez yoo, and the 
only advantage yoo hev over us is in the article of 
mothers. Yoo three hev wun, which wuz John 
Guttleses wife, while we three hev three — one 
apiece eggsackly — which wuz John Guttleses ser- 
vants ; but we can't, nevertheless, stifle our emo- 
shuns. I shel command myself, and thus perceed 
to perform a act uv fillyel dooty." 

And she histed out the flowers and commenced 
to strew. 

3 



34 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

The tother wiins wuz a gettin hot. The oldest 
wun cood stand this impudence no longer, and drop- 
pin her basket, went for her, follered by her sisters. 
It wuz a sperited conflict, and lasted perhaps four 
minits, or until I parted em, when they gathered 
themselves together, and departed — one party went 
one way, and tother, tother. 

Fillyel love hed done more in the strewin biznis 
tlian it sot out to do. The six lovin daughters uv 
the deceest John hed not only strewed flowers onto 
his grave, but hair, and collars, and buzzum pins, 
and shreds uv silk, and water-falls, and cotton, and 
false teeth, and pieces uv almost everything which 
goes to make up the sum total uv female attire. 

Ez I gazed at the wreck and saw their tattered 
forms vanish in the dim distance, I cood not help 
admittin that w^ien it come to strewin the graves uv 
deceest ancestors, there wuz sum disadvantages at- 
tendin the patriarkle system. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M., 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 
Military Institoot. 







''"^-A^ ^^^fe- '^/' ^^ immA 



THE ROUGH AND TUMBLE AT THE PATERNAL TOMB. 

Page 34. 



In North Carolina. 35 



IV. 



Mr. Nasby in North Carolina. — The Abrogation 
of General Sickles^ Order. — The aid he reu' 



dered Colonel Podgers. 



Post Offis, Conpedrit X Roads -j 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), I 

December 31, 1866. J 

FOR two weeks past I hev bin in North Caro- 
lina, and hev hed an oppertoonity uv bein uv 
service to my friends and the good cause. 

I wuz there collectin funds fur the new College 
at this pint, to wich I am devoted heart and sole, 
and wuz a makin my home at Kernel Abslum 
Podgers, who resides just back of Rawly, and 
whose table and cellar, permit me to say, are un- 
surpassed in the South. Kernel Podgers is a gen- 
tleman uv the old skool, who livei in luxurious 
elegance onto a plantashn uv 1500 akers, and who 
hez troo piety into him, and alluz wears a shirt- 
frill. Afore the war he owned 200 niggers, and 
his sole runnin out after em, he hez managed, 



36 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

sence the war, to collect the most uv em and get 
em together on the old place. He hez bin busily 
engaged in subdooin uv em and bringing em back 
to ther normal condishun ; but alas ! ther wuz diffi- 
culties in the way. The men niggers, with an 
obstinacy wich I can't account for, refused to work 
for $4 per month, and the wimen, hevin ben mostly 
married to ther husbands by the chaplin uv a regi- 
ment wich wuz stashened here doorin the war, 
refused to resoom their old relations, and things 
looked serious. Most men would hev yielded to 
circumstances and give up, but Kernel Podgers 
wuz not uv that stripe. He owed a dooty to these 
misguided beins wich he felt he must lulfil ; and 
besides, he is desirous of buildin a new house next 
summer and sendin two daughters (by his wife) 
to a seminary next season, and he felt that he 
must bring em to their senses. He sed that he 
stood in the relation uv a father, figgeratively 
speekin, to all uv em, and literally to many uv 
em ; and wuz he agoin to let em go on a flyin 
out ov their normal speer? Not any. 

The fust day I wuz there, a crisis occurred. 
John Podgers, his son, insisted upon takin away 
the wife uv a mulatto, and the nigger, forgettin 
his posishen, wuz impudent. John struck him, 



In North Carolina. 37 

and the degraded wretch waded in and whaled 
him unmerciful. This, uv course, cood not be en- 
doored. The Podgers* blood riz, and that nigger 
wuz seized and catted till he died. Ef I remem- 
ber right, he expired while undergoin discipline. 
It may be he lived till mornin ; but it matters not, 
ceptin that I like to be accurate. 

It wuz a solem and impressive scene. The 
Kernel had the Ethiopian's wife present doorin 
the infliction uv the punishment, and to show her 
that he did not perceed without authority, before 
commencin he read to her from Scripter the chap- 
ters treatin uv Ham and Hager, and the passage 
commencin " servance, obey your masters," and 
then walloped him with more vigger than I spozed 
wuz left in a man so old. He pinted to the nigger 
on the ground, after he wuz cut down, and tellin 
her that he hoped it wood be a lesson to her, bade 
her go to her quarters. But the perverse creecher 
didn't. She ran away and complained to the offi- 
cer at the neerest post, who instid uv sendin uv 
her back under guard, with his compliments to 
Kernel Podgers, actilly forwarded her complaint 
to Gen. Sickles, who forthwith struck a blow at 
the foundashens uv the fabric uv Southern sosiety, 



38 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

and ordered the arrest uv the Kernel, who wuz to- 
wunst placed in doorance vile. 

There wuz eggscitement in the visinity. I never 
saw sich a fermentashen. Men run to and fro with 
blancht cheeks, and askt, " Wat next? Is our rites 
to be taken from us? Is Johnson a holler mock- 
ery ?" And they made up a purse, and begged 
me to go to Androo, and stand between em and 
destruckshen. I run up to Washinton, and hed an 
interview with his Eggslency, the President. He 
knowd Kernel Podgers, — in his younger days he 
hed made his coats, — and ez I tetched upon the 
old man immured in a dismal dungeon, he wept. 
But A. Johnson hez decision uv character. Wipin 
his eyes, he isshood a order for the revokashen uv 
Sickleses absurd order that niggers shoodent be 
whipt, and a speshl order commandin the offiser 
who hed the Kernel in custody, to turn him over 
to the Civil Courts, to be tried in accordance with 
the laws of North Karliny. 

Armed with these documents, I flew back, and 
the nite I arrived I hed the satisfackshen uv takin 
the Kernel out uv Jail, and takin him afore a Justis 
uv the Peace, where he gave bail to appear afore 
the Common Pleas to answer a charge uv man- 



In North Carolina. 



39 



slaughter, prefered by the widder uv the dead 
nigger. 

A day or two after, the case wuz heard, I ap- 
pearin for the Kernel. I held that the case be 
dismissed for the followin reason : — 

1. The charge uv manslaughter wuz absurd, for 
the reason that in the minds uv the Southern peo- 
ple there hez alluz bin the gravest doubts ez to 
whether the nigger is actilly a man, I held that 
the length uv his heel, the thickness uv his skull, 
the length uv his arm, all showd that he wuz uv 
a distink species. Ef this is the case, ez a matter 
uv course the Kernel goes free. 

2. The Kernel can't be held, allowin the nigger 
to be a man. The laws uv the State uv North 
Karliny permit the whippin uv niggers, but they 
don't prescribe the*quantity uv whippin wich may 
be inflicted. It's a matter wich is left entirely to 
the discreshen of the whipper. It's a matter with 
wich the whippee hez nothin to do ; neither hez 
the State. Ef the Kernel hed shot the nigger he 
wood be liable, for shootin ain't permitted ; but ez 
whippin is, and ez the quantity ain't prescribed, uv 
course it intends the matter to be left solely to the 
discreshen uv the party who hez the power to whip. 
Nothin kin be clearer than that. Shel Kernel Pod- 



40 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

gers be punisht becoz a nigger hedn't powers uv 
endoorence? Forbid it heven ! 

Here I rested the case. I showed to the satis- 
fackshen uv the Court that the law was not only 
just but humane, and that any sich absurdity ez 
punishin the Kernel for carryin out its pervisions 
wood be strikin a blow at the framework uv 
society. 

The Court coincided with me, and to-wunst dis- 
charged the Kernel, amid the acclamashuns uv the 
crowd. The event wuz sellebratid that afternoon 
by whippin every nigger within a cirkle uv ten 
miles. The exercise did our people good. It 
wuz soothin. 

In the mean time John Podgers hed gone afore a 
Justice uv the Peace and made complaint uv Susan 
(that is the name uv the fenialer»wich wuz the cause 
uv the diffikilty) ez a vagrant, and she wuz so de- 
clared by the Justis and put up and sold. Under 
the circumstances no one wood bid agin John, and 
she was struck off to him at $50, wich the Justis 
under the pecoolyer circumstances uv the case re- 
foosed to take. I saw John a marchin uv her home, 
and felt happy. 

The Kerners gratitood wuz boundlis. 



In North Carolina. 41 

*'Wat kin I do for yoo?" sed he, wringin my 
hand in a fever uv joy. 

" Nothin," sed I, " nothin ! Virchoo is its own 
reward. But our College is languishin for want uv 
means — let yoor gratitood take that shape." 

He subscribed and paid $200, wich constoots 
him a perpetooal Honorary Perfesser, and $100 to 
make his wife a perpetooal Honorary Perfesser. I 
borrowd uv him $50 to take me home, ez I coodent 
uv coorse yoose College funds, and departed $350 
better. I left regretfully. Now that this portion 
uv the South is gettin her rites, it is trooly a delite- 
ful place too live, and I shood like to end my days 
here. But my post offis, and that college! — I kin 
never leave em, never. To that college I hev dedi- 
kated the few remainin years uv my life, and Til 
never desert it so long ez there's a dollar to be 
raised for it out uv anybody. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M., 
(Wich is Postmaster) and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle 
& Military Institoot. 



42 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



Mr. Nasby renders an Account of his Steward- 
ship. — Laying of the Corner Stone of the Col- 
lege Edifice. — An Awkward Denoue?ne7tt. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
Janooarj 2, 1866 



''■} 



ON my return from my trip to North Karliny ther 
wuz an immejit and irrepressible desire on the 
part uv the Trustees uv the Institoot, to hev a state- 
ment from me uv the results of the trip. Much hed 
bin expectid from the vencher, and the expectashuns 
uv the Trustees wuz riz to a pitch from vs^ich I felt 
it wuz crooil to hurl em. Therefore I dodged em, 
until finally, bein badgered, I thort I wood end it. 
Hevin prepared the dockyments, I named the Post 
Offis ez the place, and the mornin uv the ist instant 
ez the time to make an exhibit uv the receets and 
expenditoors uv the trip. Deekin Pogram, Colonel 
McPelter, and Elder Slathers were promptly on 
hand, and so wuz I, with the statement, wich I red. 
to em ez follows : — 



Laying of the Corner Stone. 43 

PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Professor uv BibUkle Poli- 
ticks, ift account with the Southern Classikle and Military 
Institoot Fund : 

Dr. 

To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for self . . . $200 00 

To cash uv Kernel Abslum Podgers, for wife . . icx) 00 

To cash uv Square Davis, proceeds uv the sale uv 
one nigger boy Jim, convicted uv steelin a red 
herrin, generously donated 50 00 

To cash uv Major Galbreth, bein all he hed left after 
gettin a pardon from the President through Mrs. 
Cobb I 00 

To cash uv John Kessick, \\rho encourages the Insti- 
toot, intendin to come here to start a grocery, ez, 
soon ez it gits fairly a goin 10 00 

To cash uv divers and sundry persons 20 00 

Grand totle $381 00 

Cr. 

By ralerode fare, the conductors unanimously re- 
foosin to ded hed me either in my clericle, offishel 

or benevolent character $30 00 

By refreshments, and meal after refreshments . . 90 

By more refreshments 15 

By bottle uv refreshments to use on cars .... i 50 

By refreshments at station 15 

By refreshments at various places . . ... 60 co 

By board at Rawley 60 00 

By refreshments at Rawley, wich comes high, bein 

25 cts. strata . 70 00 

By livery hire in that vicinity 90 00 

By refreshments for self and driver, includin broken 

axels and sich 25 00 

By meals for self and driver 3 00 

By fare back home, wich cost more owin to my com- 

in a round about way 5° 00 

Grand totle $390 70 

Leavin a balance in my favor of $9 30. 



44 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

The brethren wuz somewat disappointed at the 
result, and Bascom intimated that he bleeved it 
wuz a d — d swindle ; but I withered him with a 
glance. I showed Deekin Pogram that it wuz not 
only reglar, but that it hed the stamp uv the Post 
Offis onto it, wich silenced all cavil. I asshoored 
em that that little balance needn't trouble em — I 
did not intend to make an assessment onto em, but 
that I cood wait until the treasury wuz in funds. 

" But," sed Bascom, " when in thunder will the 
treasury ever be in funds, ef all the expedishuns 
result like this one ? " 

I explained to the obtoose man that it wuz all 
rite ; that in most uv sich enterprises the expenses 
eat up the collekshuns, but that it wuz seed sown, 
" We must," sez I, " raise the wind from the North, 
and to do it, let us show that suthin hez bin dun." 

" Wat kin we do? " sed Bascom. 

"Lay the corner stun uv the Institoot?" sez I. 
" On the square forninst us is the corner stun uv the 
nigger church we burnt a month or so ago, ready to 
our hand. Let us organize a percession and do it 
to-day, that we may publish to the world that the 
work is commenced, that our friends may shell out 
libreller than they hev." 

The idea wuz considered good, and forthwith it 



Laying of the Corner Stone. 45 

wuz actid upon. The stone wuz conveyed to the 
feeld onto wich the Institoot is to be built, and a 
cavity wuz hollered out into it. 

At 4 P. M. (wich is in the afternoon) a percession 
wuz formed, headed by the Trustees, and we marched 
out to the feeld. Into the cavity in the stun wuz 
deposited, with approprit ceremonies, the followin 
articles : — 

A copy uv the Constooshen uv the Confedrit 
States uv America. 

A copy uv the message uv Androo Johnson ve- 
toin the Freedmen's Buro Bill. 

A copy uv the 22d uv Febrooary speech. 

Portrates uv the Trustees. 

A copy uv the veto uv the Civil Rites Bill. 

A pair uv handcuffs. 

Portrates uv President Johnson and Secretary 
Seward. 

A nigger whip. 

A $5 greenback contribbited for the purpose by 
Elder Pennibacker. 

A pint bottle uv wisky, seeled, contribbited by 
Bascom. 

Then the stun wuz placed in posishen ; a nigger 
wuz tied to it and flogged, his blood bedoozlin it, 
and after a few feelin remarks by myself, in wich 



46 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

I stated that this wuz a grate day for the Corners, 
and that posterity wood bless us for the work we 
hed that day done, the crowd dispersed, the Trus- 
tees goin back to my offis to draw up a statement 
uv the ceremonies, and an appele to the northern 
Dimocrisy for aid. 

The nigger wich we whipt at the corner stun wuz 
shot in a dispoot by Capt. McPelter, wich circum- 
stances greatly annoyed Deekin Pogram, ez it wus 
a nigger wich wuz formerly hizzen. He remon- 
strated with the Captain angrily, and ashoord him 
that ez soon ez the Soopreme Court hed declared 
the Amendment abolishin slavery unconstooshnel, 
he shood sue him for his value. With this triflin 
excepshun, the affair * passed off ez pleasantly ez 
cood be wished. I remonstrated with both uv em 
for quarrelin, on sich a occasion, over so small a 
matter ez the shootin uv a nigger, and they finally 
settled it without hard feelins. How sweet is peace 
and friendliness atween man and man ! How blessid 
is the offis uv a peace maker ! The captain acknowl- 
edged he wuz wrong, and stood the drinks for the 
crowd. 

That nite about 9 P. M., I wuz a sittin in my offis 
a musin onto the evence uv the day, and wonderin 
whether the Dimocrisy wood give down, it okkured 



Laying of the Corner Stone. 47 

to me that there wuz a pint bottle uv first-class corn 
wisky, and $5 in currency agoin to waste in that 
stun. 

"Wat'll posterity ever know uv us?" thot I to 
myself. " Ef posterity does ever overturn that stun, 
won't she git jest ez good an idea uv who we wuz 
from the other articles? Ef posterity ever leads the 
speeches uv His Eggslency, and the messages wich 
we hev placed there, won't the wisky be inferred ? 
Ef it ain't, posterity is a consumate ass;" and thus 
musin, I wended my way thitherward, determined 
to reskoo these two articles from oblivion any how. 

It wuz pitch dark, but I knew the way. Creepin 
cautiously up to the stun, I reached out ; and horror ! 
Ther wuz another hand onto it ! Strikin a match 
quickly, there stood reveeled afore me the forms uv 
Deekin Pogram, Bascom, and Elder Slathers, to 
whom the same thot hed occurred wich moved me. 
But my presence uv mind did not forsake me. 
Strikin another match, I assoomed a look uv virchus 
indignashen, wich they all saw afore it went out, and 
reproacht em fur therworldly-mindednis. Howcood 
they expect the Institoot to prosper when those into 
whose hands its interests wuz confided, proves re- 
creant to the extent uv steeling the sacred memen- 
toes wich were to-day enclosed. " Go home," sed 



48 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

I ; " I forgive you this time, and will not expose yoo 
ez yoo deserve. I spected yoo all, from the way yoo 
eyed the bottle and the greenback, and hastened 
hither to protect em. Go ! " 

And they went ; after wich I tipped over the stun 
and sekoored the prize. 

The next mornin they all reproached me with 
hevin stolen the articles, in privit, Vv^ich satisfied me 
that all uv em hed gone back for the plunder after 
they thot I'd gone ; but they didn't make no fuss 
about it. They are all good men ; but alas ! sich 
is the depravity uv human nacher that they'll bear 
watchin. 

I await with anxiety the result uv our appeal to 
the Northern Democrisy. Ef they fail us ez shame- 
fully ez they did durin the war, it is all up with us. 
Petroleum V. Nasby, P.M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 
Military Institoot. 



Essays a Sermon. 49 



VI. 



Mr. Nashy essays a Ser77ton^ htit is interrupted 
by a Nigger^ who is aided and abetted by the 
Perverse yoe Bigler. 






Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
Janooarj 10, 1867. 

IWUZ rekested a week ago to preech a discourse 
from the text wich the noble and high-minded 
Guvner Bramlette used with sich crushin force in 
his last annual message, to wit : " Kin the Leopard 
change his spots or the Ethiopian his skin ? " and 
alluz feelin anxious to do wat I kin for the cause, 
I did it last nite, or rather essayed to do it. 

And here let me remark, that there ain't a more 
devoted people in Kentucky than them lambs ez 
compose my flock. It wuz a tetchin site, and one 
wich filled my sole with joy, to see em pour out uv 
the groceries at the first tootin uv the horn, and to 
see Pennebacker, wich owns the Distillery, stop- 
pin work to come, but the most cheerin and en- 
4 



$0 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

couragin sign to me wuz to see Deekin Pogram, 
who was playin seven-up for the drinks with Elder 
Slathers, at Bascom's, lay down his hand when 
he hed high low and jack in it, and lied only three 
to go. "Elder," sed he, his voice tremblin at the 
sacrifice he wuz a makin, and a tear steelin down 
his cheek, " Elder, them's the horn. Let us to our 
dooties. 'Ligion must take the front seat uv tem- 
p'ral matters," and sighin ez he cast a partin glance 
at his hand, he strode out resolootly to the sank- 
tooary. 

I opened by readin the follerin from Guvner 
Bramlette's message. 

" ' The nigger is the inferior uv the white — 
he lacks the power to rise. Ontil the Leopard kin 
change his spots, or the Ethiopian his skin, all 
efforts to repeal or nullify God's laws will be un- 
availin. 

" My bretherin, these words is words uv wisdom, 
and fur em let us be thankful. The skin uv the 
Ethiopian wuz inflicted onto him for the express 
purpose uv distingishin him from his bretherin, 
whose servants he wuz condemned to be, for all 
time, ez a punishment for the sin uv Cain or the 
improodence uv Ham, wich Democratic divines 
heven't settled on. With the black skin he wuz 



Essays a Sermon. 5^ 

given all the other marks iiv inferiority. He wuz 
cust with long arms, immense hands, flat nose, and 
bowed legs, and that ther mite be no mistake in 
the matter, he wuz given wool instead uv hair. 
Halleloogy ! 

" Ah, my brethern, wat a blessid thing for us is 
this Ethiopian ! Wat a consolation it must be to 
yoo all to know that ther is a race below yoo, and 
how blessid the refleckshun that they can't change 
ther skin, and by that means git above yoo ! That's 
the comfort we draw from the skripters. Wat a 
horror it wood be for Deekin Pogram, who is 
snorin so peacefly, 

' Dreamin, sweetly dreamin the happy hours away,' 

ef when the Soopreme Court decides the Ablishn 
amendment unconstooshnl, and he gits his niggers 
back agin ; ef ther shood be a new dispensashun, 
and niggers shood be permitted to change ther 
skins ! Wat sekoority wood we hev for our prop- 
erty? Some mornin he'd wake up and find em 
all white persons, wich it wood be unconstooshnel 
to wollop. 

" My brethern, ther hez bin many efforts to 
change the skin uv the Ethiopian, or rather ther 
hez bin many who wanted to. The Boston Ab- 



52 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

lishnists hev tried it, but wat hez bin the result? 
Ain't they niggers yit, and ain't they still the de- 
graded wretches they alluz wuz? I paws for a 
reply." 

I made this latter remark becoz, and only becoz, 
it sounded well, not that I hed any idee that any- 
body wood reply. Imagine my surprise at seein a 
gray-headed nigger, wich hed bin, doorin and after 
the fratrisidle struggle, employed in the Freedman's 
Burow, rise, and remark that he hed a word to say 
onto that pint. There wuz a storm uv indignashun, 
and the impudent nigger, who wuz so sassy ez to 
presoom to speek in a white meetin, wood hev bin 
sacrificed on the spot, hed not Joe Bigler, who wuz 
half drunk, drawd a ugly-lookin navy revolver, and 
remarkin that he knowd that nigger, that he hed 
more sense than the hull bilin uv us, and he shood 
hev his say. 

" Ef," sed this recklis Joe, " ef he beats yoo, Per- 
fesser, trooth is trooth ; lets hev it. Ef he don't, 
why, it's all the better for yoo. Ef yoor Webste- 
rian intelleck kivers the ground, all rite ; ef his 
ponderous intellek gets the best on't, jist ez rite. 
' Out uv the mouths uv babes and sucklins.' Elder, 
I go my bottom dollar on this sucklin. Speek up, 
venerable ; there won't none uv em tech yoo ; " and 
he cockt his revolver. 



Essays a Sermon. 53 

" Beggln pardon," sed the nigger, " I agree with 
yoo, Perfesser, that the, Ethiopian can't change his 
skin hisself, but does the Scripter say that it can*t 
be changed for him ? " 

" Anser the venrable babe," sed Joe Bigler, pintin 
his revolver at me. 

" I can't say that it does," sez I. 

" Very good," retorted the nigger, " hezn't there 
a change bin a goin on in Kaintuck from the be- 
ginnin? My mother wuz ez black ez a crow — 
I'm considble lighter — my wife's a half lighter than 
I am — my gal's childern is a half lighter than their 
mother, and I want to know v/at Guvner Bram- 
lette's got to say to that. The white man ain't got 
no cuss onto him, hez he?" 

" Speek up Perfesser — the sucklin wants yoo to 
be prompt," sed Joe Bigler. 

I answered that " he bed not — that it wuz piled 
onto Ham or Cain and their desendants, and no- 
body else." 

"Very Vvxll, then," sed the nigger, chucklin all 
over, " ez I am only half Ham or Cain (wich, you 
hevn't decided), then uv coarse there's only half a 
cuss onto me, only a quarter onto my wife, only an 
eighth onto my daughters, only a sixteenth onto my 
daughters* childern, and there's lots uv niggers in 



54 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

this yer visinity wat hezn't got the thirty-sekkund 
or the sixty-fouth part uv it bangin to em. Guvner 
Bramlette also sed suthin bout niggers bein de- 
graded coz twuz their nacher, didn't he, and that 
edducashen woodent do for em?" 

" Perfesser," sed the tormentin Bigler, wich hed 
just whisky enuff into him to be ugly, " I must re- 
mind yoo that the partikeler babe and sucklin, out 
uv whose mouth yoor bein immensely condemned, 
expex prompt ansers, or rather I, his guardian and 
pertecter do." 

I ansered that sich wuz the tenor uv the Guvner's 
remarks. 

"Ef that's troo, why don't the mulattoes come 
up faster? Ef it's the nateral stoopidity uv the nig- 
ger, the white man ain't effected by it, and the 
mulatto only half. I are *quainted with the heft 
uv the people afore me, and I'll bet my last year's 
wages, wich Deekin Pogram ain't paid yit, that half 
uv em can't read any mor'n I kin. 'Pears to me 
I'd like to hev Guvner Bramlette take the load off 
us for a year two and see whether we'd rise or not. 
We moutn't and then agin we mout. But I ruther 
think its a leetle too much to put a millstone on top 
uv a man and then kick him for not gettin up." 

" Bully ! " sed Joe Bigler. " Go on ! go on ! " 



Essays a Sermon. # 55 

" It ain't just square playin to make all sorts uv 
laws agin our risin, to flog us for hevin spellin- 
books, to make it a penitentiary offence to learn to 
read, and to burn our skool houses, and then be- 
cause we ain't just ready to enter college, tP insist 
on't that we are naterally incapable. And above 
all, ain't it presoomin a little to charge it onto the 
Lord? Ain't yoo mistakin your own work for 
hizzen? 'Praps ef Guvner Bramlette's father hed 
bin flogg'd for wantin to learn to read, and Guvner 
Bramlette's mother hed bin brought up ez a feeld 
hand, and the same strategy hed bin practised on 
Guvner Bramlette's grandfather, and great grand- 
father, and great, great grandfather, and great, 
great, great grandfather, and his great — " 

" Hold on, venerable," sed Joe Bigler, " don't 
enumerate. Jest say his ancestors, back to the 
identicle time they wuz slaves to them Normans, 
wich held his projenitors jist ez closely ez yoo've 
bin held, and it'll be suffishent. But go on." 

" I plead guilty to the big hands, flat nose, and 
bowd legs. Possibly the first nigger hed em — 
possibly not. Ef Guvner Bramlette's father, and 
his grand-fa — wich is to say ancestors, hed bin 
kept at the hoe, his hands wood hev bin ez big 
ez mine ; ef they'd borne burdens forever his legs 



56 « Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

wood be bowed, and ef ther noses bed bin per- 
petooally smasht hizzen wood be flatter than it is." 

" Hev yoo eny more questions to put to the Per- 
fesser?" sed Joseph. 

" Nq," replied the Ethiopian, " I hev sed my 
say." 

" Then," sed this Bigler, wich wuz gettin more 
and more reckless every minnit, " I dismiss this con- 
gregashun, with this remark, that that nigger is un- 
der my protectin care, and ef a single lock uv his 
wool is disturbed, I shel feel it a solium but painful 
dooty devolvin upon me, to put a ball into the car- 
cass uv each uv the offishls uv this Church, com- 
mencin with the Paster, and continuin all the way 
down to the scribe. Git ! " 

And pell-mell the congregashen piled out — one 
over another. 

It will be necessary to dispose of Joe Bigler 
somehow. He lost wat property he hed in the 
war, and is becoming exceedinly loose in his talk. 
He can't be tolerated long. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 
Military Institoot. 



Does the Corners a Service. 57 



VII. 



Mr. Nashy does the X Roads a Service. — 
The Peace that reigns there^ and the Cause 
of it. 



OADS \ 

ituckj), V 
1867. i 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
Janooary 20, 1867. 

THERE is peace in the Corners ! It reigns 
here, it does, with a sweetnis onparalleled 
since the Nashun launched out onto the sea uv 
trubles, which very near engulfed her. It comes 
about thro me. Biznis in the Post Orfis don't en- 
gross all my time. It don't take me very long to 
distribbit the paper which Deekin Pogram takes, 
nor the cirklers uv the gift enterprises which come 
here ; neither does it consoom much uv my valyoo- 
ble time directin the letters enclosin dollars back to 
em, besides which a good many uv em are insuf- 
ficiently sealed, and the money drops out, and bein 
conscientious to a fault, ez I can't get em back into 
the right letters, why uv course I don't send sich at 
all. The only trouble I hev is in explainin why let- 



58 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ters containin such remittancis don't reach their des- 
tinashen, but that has its rewards. I invariably tell 
em that the managers uv the enterprises are ablisha 
Yankees, and, uv course they'd be swindld, which 
alluz intensifies their rage. A batch uv em sent for 
tickets to Crosby's Opera House, which didn't reach 
Chicago, ez I wuz behind with my board, and after 
givin em the regular explanashen, they wuz so 
enraged at the theevin ablishnists at Chicago, that 
they sallied out and made it lively for wat niggers 
they met. I forget now, but ef I remember right, 
they hung two, or wuz it three? My memry is 
fail in. 

But ez I wuz sayin, I hev plenty uv time, and I 
put it in mostly studyin the caracteristiks uv human 
nacher, ez developed in men and niggers. While 
contemplatin a parsel uv niggers one day, I follered 
em, and overheard their conversashen. I wuz 
astonished ! They w^uz notifyin one another uv a 
meetin to be held that nite in Pennibacker's barn, to 
which all wuz expected to be present. Here, thot 
I to myself, is Guy Fawkes ! Here is conspiracy ! 
Meetin ! Wat rite hev niggers to meet ! And I 
hastened to Deekin Pogram and told him wat I had 
heerd. 

" Nasby," sed he, wringin my hand, " ef I ever 



Does the Corners a Service. 



59 



doubted the eternel fitnis uv things — the complete 
and entire adaptability uv one class to another — 
that doubt is removed. Here am I, a nigger owner 

— here are yoo, a Northern Dimocrat — a bloomin 
eggsotic ez I may say, wich hez took root in Southrn 
sile. I never wood hev overherd them niggers ! — 
no Southner wood hev thot uv sneakin after em 

— for all sich work the Northern Dimocrat is pre- 
cisely fitted. It's wat they've alluz done for us ! 
alluz! alluz! alluz!" 

And he wrung my hand again, and thanked me. 
I wuz too much overcome with emoshen at the 
compliment he paid me to reply. But we arranged 
the programme. We went to the barn, and over- 
turned a wagon so ez we cood git under it and heer 
all that wuz sed without bein seen, and jest at nite- 
fall the Deekin and me ensconsd ourselves in our 
hidin place. 

The niggers gathered, praps thirty on em, and 
opened the meetin with prayer, in which exercise 
they bed the profanit}^ to pray for the Government 
uv the Yoonited States and sich, and then the biznis 
commenst. It appears that they'd sent a man North 
to find a locashen for em, ez they bed made up their 
minds to run away from the blessins uv slavery wich 
we are preparin to re-open to em, and this nigger 



6o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

hed arrived^ and they wuz assembled to hear his 
report. 

" Brother Lee," sed the ringleader to the returned 
nigger, wich I knowd — he wuz nearly white, and 
wuz raised in Virginia, and hed bin four years in 
the army, on the Fedral side uv course, — " are yoo 
ready to report? Hev yoo found the Promised 
Land?" 

Brother Lee replied, that ef he understood wat 
wuz the Ethiopian idee uv the " Promised Land," 
he Good safely and certainly say that he hedn't. 
He landed first in Philadelphy, and bein sumwat 
wearied by the long ride, he took a seat in a street- 
car which wuz empty. The condukter ordered him 
out, but sposin he wuz in a State where there wuz 
ekal rites he insisted on stayin, when the condukter 
and the driver bundled him out by force. His coat, 
he observed, showin wher the bloo blouse hed bin 
onskilfully mendid, wuz sumwat fraktered in the 
skuffle. 

At this narrashen the niggers groaned, and it 
wuz all I cood do to keep the Deekin from hoUerin . 
halleloogy ! 

In Noo York State he didn't fare so well. He 
diskivered that a decent nigger there isn't quite ez 
good ez a very ordinary white man. He happened 



Does the Corners a Service. 6i 

ther on 'leckshin day, and narrated that he saw 
white men carried up to the poles so eggstremely 
drunk that them ez hed em in charge hed to put 
the ticket atween their fingers and anser to their 
names, while a 'spectable nigger hed to show that 
he wuz worth some property afore he wuz allowed 
to vote, and then a number uv gentlemen with red 
faces and clubs made it so onpleasant that but few 
attempted it. 

The Deekin punched me in the ribs vociferously. 

Next he went to Ohio, sposin, uv course, that a 
State so extremely opposed to bondage wood be 
the place he wuz in search uv. Agin he wuz dis- 
appointed. It wuz worse than it wuz in Noo York, 
for the Ablishnists wuz a going on the principle, he 
rather guessed, uv doin justis without runnin agin 
anybody's prejudises ; or rather, uv lettin justice do 
herself, for they don't make any move towards help- 
in her. There the nigger uv no grade, no matter 
how much he pade taxes onto, or how long he 
served in the army, wuzn't allowed a vote. The 
Ablishinists, ez he understood, tho praps he wuz 
wrong, carried the state on the nigger question, but 
wuz now afrade to tetch it for fear they'd lose it 
agin. They've hed it, he remarked, 12 years, but 



62 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

hedn't, ez yit, got all the people edjicated up to the 
pint uv doin wat all the people knowd wuz rite. 

His experience in the West wuz very similar. 
The Ablishnists wuz everywhere very strongly in 
the majority, and every wun uv 'em he talked with 
wuz in favor of givin the nigger his rites, but they 
wuz all afraid ef they took hold uv it, they'd be laid 
cut by the Democracy, which wuznt in the majority 
at all. In Washinton, wher Congress hez give the 
niggers a vote, he wuz well treated, and it wuz the 
only place. A gentleman who wants to run for 
Mayor next spring giv him his dinner, and quite a 
number of others who wanted small offises did like- 
wise, but he woodent advise emigrashen there, for 
the reason that ther wuz too many there now ; and 
besides it's possible that before the next elecshun 
Congress may conclude that suffrage in the Dee- 
strick will run 'em into the ground in the States 
(their constituents, which are all Ablishnists, not 
bein edjucated up to the pint), and repeel it. 

The Deekin nudged me agin. 

" Wat shel w^e do ? " then sed the niggers, all in 
korious. 

" Do ! " sed the nigger, wich his name it wuz Lee, 
*' do I grin and bear it wher yoo are. Ez fo' me. 



Does the Corners a Service. 63 

ef I hed my five yeahs back agin I shood do dif- 
frent. Liberty is a gift boss, wich, ef dis niggah 
bed it to do ober agin, he wood look in de mouth, 
sboah. I shood want to know whedder, I bein a 
beggar, ef I mounted it I shoodent ride to de devil. 
When I turned agin Massa, and went into de servis, 
I wuz promised ef I behabed like a man I shood 
be counted a man. I behabed like a man, but wat 
now? Dar's de cibbel rites bill, wWfch reads good, 
but wha's de sogers to put it froo? Dar's all sorts 
ob laws, but wha's de yoose ob em so long ez no- 
boddy pays any tenshun to em? I go Norf, wha de 
Ablishnists hab eberyting dah own way, and I find 
de niggah is ez bad ofi* dah ez he is heah, coz de 
Ablishnis, wich is de champions uv ekal rites, ain't 
eddicated up to de pint uv bustin unekal laws. We 
can't stay heah and git our rites — we can't go dah, 
coz ebry wun ob em will tell yoo his nabor ain't 
eddicated up to de pint ob doin anything but holdin 
de offises, and passin resolooshens dat dey bleeve in 
de principles ob de Declarashen ob Independence, 
wich principles reed bery well, but wat good is 
dey to me ef dey ain't acted up to? Fo' fo'pence 
I'd go hang myself." 

They had dther talk, and finally broke up, endin 
with a prayer, the burden uv wich wuz that the 



64 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

good Lord wood find some way, wat they didn't 
care, to eddicate their friends North up to the pint. 

Ez soon ez they wuz gone the Deekin and I 
crawled out from under the wagon, and I must say 
the old gentleman surprised me. Dashin his hat 
down on the ground, he execooted one uv the most 
frantic Highland flings my eyes ever witnist. It 
astonished me to see how recklis the old man wuz 
with his legs.% Finally, out uv breath, he subsided 
with a prolonged shreek uv exultant joy. 

"Why so jubilant, my venerable friend?" sed I. 

" Nasby," sed he, " it's better than I hoped for. 
The Ablishnists bar em out — they ain't eddikated 
up to the pint, and they drive em away. They 
make distinkshuns, and when the nigger's distinkted 
aginst in part, he's precisely the material uv which 
to make a sei-vant unto his brethren. Ef the nigger 
can't git all his rites in the North, he'd better be 
without any uv em in the South. Up ther he hez 
all the cussitood uv bein a free man, without any 
uv the indoosements ; down here, ef he ain't got any 
uv the blessins uv freedom he ain't any uv the re- 
sponsibilities. The nigger, uv course, will stay — 
he'd be a cussed fool ef he didn't. Bless the Lord 
for the Ablishnists wat ain't eddikated up to the 
pint!" 



Does the Corners a Service. 65 

And the blessed old lunatic execooted another 

Highland fling onto his hat. Sharin his enthoo- 

siasm, ez I alluz do everybody's I meet, that I may 

share whatever else they hev, we went to Bascom's, 

wher, before we separated, we wuz eddikated up to 

a pint, and considerable more. Bascom carried the 

Deekin home on a wheelbarrer, at a little past one. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 

Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 

Military Institoot. 

- 5 



66 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



VIII. 



An Important Case at the Corners under the 
Vagrant Act. — The Decisions of Squire 
Gavitt. 



Roads \ 

mtuckj), > 
;, 1S67. > 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
Janooarj 28, 

WUN UV the most important cases — impor- 
tant in a national sense — ever tried afore 
a court uv justis, came off afore Squire Gavitt at 
the court-house, at the Corners yesterday. It w^as 
important, becoz it involved the very eggistence uv 
the institution upon wich Kentucky is built — becoz, 
upon its decision hung the question w^hether or not 
the Bible shood be respectid and its holy injunctions 
obeyed — w^hether Kentucky shood, clingin to the 
Skripters, go on ez a Christian State, or deny in it, 
go back into infidelity and barbarism. I scasely 
need say that the porshens uv the Bible to wich I 
refer, is the ever blessid chapters relatin to Ham, 
Hager, and Onesimus — the only parts of the Skrip- 



Case under the Vagrant Act. 6^ 

ter we pay much attention to. But ef them is at- 
tacked successfully, wat follows? The entire struk- 
ter comes tumblin to the ground. Therefore, holdin 
to Aferkin slavery, we are orthodox believers. 

The circumstances uv the case wuz suthin like 
this : A nigger uv the name uv Gabriel, wunst the 
happy and contented servant uv that eminent Chris- 
tian, Deekin Pogram, becum possessed uv the spirit 
uv the devil, and sullen, becoz the Deekin sold his 
M^ife to raise the means to send his second son, 
Isaker, wich wuz a studyin for the ministry, to a 
Theolojikle Institoot, somewheres in Georgia ; and 
also enraged becoz his female offspring, Elizer, hap- 
penin to attrack the attenshun uv his eldest son, 
Elijer, he run away in the fust year uv the war, and 
follered the Federal army, finally enlisting as a sojer. 
Durin the progress uv the struggle, he learned to 
read, and bein powerful in prayer and sich, he 
headed a revival, and hevin gifts that way, attracted 
the notis uv Genril Howard, or some uv them fa- 
natics, who hed him instructed, and finally made 
him an agent uv a branch uv that accursid Freed- 
men's Burow ; and sure enuff', after the war, he 
appeared in this vicinity, salaried by the society, and 
commenst unfittin the niggers for their normal con- 
dishun by teechin on em to read, and establishin 



6S Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Sunday skools among em, and givin em advice gen- 
erally, wich wuz aginst the dignity and peace uv 
the commonwealth. The citizens stood it with the 
pashense carakteristik uv the people uv Kentucky 
ontil last Monday. The Deekin hed a dispoot with 
a nigger relativ to a triflin matter uv wages. The 
nigger hed bin workin at the stipulated price uv $4 
per month — the Deekin brought in, ez a offset, his 
board at $2 per week ; and ruther than hev any fuss 
about it, proposed to let him work the balance out 
durin the winter months. To this ekitable arrange- 
ment the nigger demurred, holdin that board wuz 
inclooded, and this Gabrel advised the nigger to sue, 
and he did so. 

Enraged at his interference, the Deekin went 
before Square Gavitt, and complained of Gabrel ez 
a vagrant, and employed me to attend *to the case. 
Pollock, the lUinoy storekeeper, volunteered to de- 
fend the nigger, and there wuz a tremenjus eggsite- 
ment over it. 

I opened the case by stating that the nigger's 
biznis wuz to prove that he hed vizable means uv 
support : Pollock insisted that it wuz our biznis* 
to prove that he hedn't, but the court decided agin 
him. 

The nigger then swore that he reseeved from his 



Decisions of Squire Gavitt. 69 

congregashen $30 per month for services. I sub- 
mitted that, ez he wuz a interested party, other 
proof wood be required. Pollock interdoost the 
elders of the congregashen, but I checkmated him 
there, by submittin that the testimony uv niggers 
wuzn't admissable, wich the court decided it wuzn't. 

Immejitly Pollock submitted that whether or no 
his client coodent be considered a vagrant, ez he 
cood testify himself to the fact that he (Gabrel) hed 
in his house $200 in greenbax — a suffishent sup- 
port for a time, at least. 

Ther wuz a immense eggscitement in the court. 

" Wher duz he keep it? " asked the Squire, visibly 
agitated. 

*' In his chist at the house wher he boards," sed 
Pollock. 

'' This court stands adjourned for thirty minits," 
sed the Squire, boundin over the railin in front 
uv him. " Hold on," sez he ; " hold on, Deekin ; 
a fair start is all I want. Don't take advantage uv 
my age to get ther first," and pell-mell over one 
another the entire audience, ceptin Pollock, the nig- 
ger, and me, started on a keen run for the house. 
In a few minits they returned, pantin and out uv 
breath, when the Squire called the court to order 
agin, wich bein restored, he remarked, — 



7o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Ef it cood be established that the nigger hed 
$200 in greenbax it wood nessessarily discharge 
him, ez no man with that sum cood be considered 
a vagrant ; but he thot ef the prizner at the bar 
shood look in the direckshun uv his house, he'd find 
it wuzn't ther any more, ez a house, the materyal uv 
wich it wuz built wuz lyin permiskus. Likewise, 
probably, he wooodn't be able to find the $200 he 
hed in his chist. The place that knowd it wunst 
will know it no more forever — it hed been confis- 
cated by the enraged citizens. He wantid it under- 
stood that no such triflin impediment in the way uv 
justis ez the possession uv $200 cood be allowed 
within the jurisdickshen uv this court. The nigger 
not bein able to prove his means uv support, and 
ez the court knowed uv its own knoUege that he 
ain't now got any $200, the court wood ask the 
criminal's counsel wat other nonsense he hez to 
plead. 

Sed Pollock, the Illinoy storekeeper, — 

" I wood beg leave to state to this court that, 
under the Civil Rites law, the defendant cannot be 
arrested ez a vagrant, ez the law under wich the 
accused is arrested only menshuns persons uv color, 
makin a distinkshen agin em." 

Never, while memry retains her seat, shel I for- 



Decisions of Squire Gavitt. 71 

get the scene that ensood. Filled with a sense uv 
the responsibility restin onto him, the Squire rose 
slowly from his seat, his face uv a deathly palenis, 
wich hed the effeck uv hightnin, by contrast, the 
intense rednis uv his nose, and risin to his full hite, 
remarked that the court hed expectid that objeck- 
shen to be urged, and hed, therfore, prepared fur it. 
That law doesn't bind this court to any alarmin ex- 
tent, considerin it ez infringin onto the reserved rites 
uv the States. 

" Will the court be so good ez to menshun for the 
informashun uv the populace, wat the resei-ved rites 
uv the States are ? " sez Pollock. 

" The court insists that it shel not be interruptid 
when it's deliverin itself uv an opinion. Considerin 
it ez infringin upon the reserved rites uv the States, 
uv whom Kentucky is the cheefest and the loveliest 
among ten thousand " — at this pint his nose glowd 
redder, and it seemed to me ez tho a halo uv lite 
encirkled his frosty head, ez he fearlessly continued 
— " the court holds that law to be unconstooshnel, 
and ez sich, shel not regard it. Hez the counsel 
anythin more to remark? " 

" Nothin," sed Pollock. " And knowin the court 
so well ez I do, I wonder at ,my makin sich an ass 
uv myself ez to hev remarkt anything at all." 



72 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

" Hez the counsel for the State anything to say?" 

" Nothin," sed I. " I am willin to trust the case 
in yoor hands, feelin confident that justis — genooine 
Kentucky justis — will be done." 

Wareupon the Squire hed the prizner stand up, 
and, drawin on a black cap, in a very impressive 
manner, sentenst him to eighteen months hard 
labor, breakin stone for the turnpike, wich we are 
buildin from the Corners to the stashen, at the con- 
klushen uv wich Pollock very profanely added, 
" And may the Lord hev mercy on your sole." 

The nigger wuz immejitly stript uv his good close, 
wich the Squire thot wood just fit him, and a soot 
uv vagrant's close wuz given him, and he wuz to- 
wunst put to his labor. 

We hev hopes that this will end the nigger skools 

in this vicinity, ez well ez the diskontent that hez 

eggisted among the niggers ever since the disturbin 

Gabrel hez bin here. The Corners is now enfoyin 

a holy calm — more so than any period for a month. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 

Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 

Military Institoot. 



A McCracken Mission. 73 



IX. 



Mr. Nashy is despatched by the President and 
Secretary Seward upon an important Mission^ 
similar in its Nature to that of Mr. McCracken, 
— His Report. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads "j 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 
Febrooarv 11, 1867. f 



Febrooary 11, 1867. 

IT wuz a crooel necessity, after all, wich druv me 
into the servis uv His Eggslency A. Johnson. 
Crooel, I say ; for whenever he hez a partikelerly 
mean piece uv work to perform, suthin so inexpres- 
sibly sneakin that Seward nor Randall won't under- 
take it, they alluz send for me. Welles is alluz 
willin ; but while he hez the disposishen to do any- 
thing in the line, he lax the ability. The uthers, 
however, hev the ability to do anythin and the dis- 
posishen to do most things, and therfore I hev bin 
employed in only eggstreme cases. 

The success wich attended McCracken's mishun, 
endin ez it did in the resinin uv Motley, stimyoo- 



74 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

lated Seward to prossekiite similar researches into 
the actooal opinions uv the home krop uv offisers 
regardin him, and his, ez well ez my sooperior, A. 
Johnson. Randall wuz applied to to take a tour 
among Post Masters and sich. He declined the 
mishen indignantly, with the remark, " Is thy ser- 
vant a dog, or the son uv a dog, that he shood 
do this thing?" And ez Welles isn't trusted out 
uv Washinton any more, I wuz sent for. 

The biznis required uv me wuz statid by Seward 
in his yoosual loocid style. It wuz merely to cirke- 
late incognito (wich is Latin for sneakin) among 
the recently appinted offis-holders, and assertain 
ther views upon general politikle topics, but more 
espeshally ther feelins toward the President and Sek- 
retary uv State. Jest ez I wuz startin, not at all 
pleased with the mishen, Welles put in his oar. 
He wuz agoin to give me instrucshuns ez to wat I 
wuz to do. Welles is a lunatik I never cood abide, 
and I felt it my dooty to wither him. Transfixin 
the venerable Sekretary with wun uv my most pier- 
cenist gazes, I remarked, — " Sir ! in imitashen uv 
the man who inflicted yoo upon this country, wich 
wuz not the least uv his acts for wich the country 
cusses him, I propose relatin a little anecdote. Ther 
wuz wunst a man who wuz inebriatid ; and that he 



A McCracken Mission. 75 

might present hisself in a state approximatin so- 
briety to the pardner uv his buzzum, he wuz essayin 
to vomit, tryin thus to ease his stumick uv the cause 
uv the onpleasantnis therin ; but he coodent do it. 
He heaved and heaved, but there w^uz no result. 
At this critikle period another man approacht, who 
remarked, kindly, that ef he desired to vomit, his 
best holt wood be to run his finger down his throat. 
The drunk individooal looked up indignant at this 
unwarranted interference with his constooshnel rites. 
' Blast yoor eyes, sir,* sed he, ' are yoo or me bossin 
this yer puke ? ' 

" This, Sekretary Welles, is the anecdote. I 
respeck the posishun yoo hold, and dislike sayin 
anythin disagreeable ; but, sir, this is a puke, and 
I perpose to boss it myself." 

I startid to-wunst, and found things in a highly 
mixed condition. The followin is compiled from 
my reports : In Noo York the Postmasters generally 
are sound. The crops wer poor last year ; and all 
kinds uv biznis bein dull, the Postmasters are gen- 
erally anxious to hold on. They are, therefore, out- 
spoken in their support uv the coz. Them ez wuz 
men uv good standin and relijusly inklined, before 
the rupcher between the President and the party 
wich redoost him, say but very little in publick, 



76 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

and that little they don't say very long. They gen- 
erally can't see that ther is any partikeler differense 
between the President's plan and the plan uv Con- 
gress, and ther bein so little, Congress ought to yeeld 
for the sake uv peace. The Dimokrats, holdin sich 
places, are loud enough in support uv the Admin- 
istrashen ; but, good Heaven ! the endorsement uv 
sich men is too heavy a load for any party to carry. 
Now, that I think uv it, I hev at last solved the mys- 
tery uv our wide-spread defeat last fall. In some 
deestricks the Dimocrisy found Johnson too heavy 
a load to carry, and in the balance the Johnson men 
found the Dimokrisy too heavy a load to carry. 

In Ohio, the first place I stopt at w^uz Oberlin, 
the place where the nigger college is located at. I 
regret to say that the Postmaster at that pint is a 
rantin Ablishnist ; and in the two hours I wuz ther, 
I coodent find a Conservative Republikin who wood 
take it. I got one nearly perswadid ; but jest ez he 
wuz about to consent, his wife fell a weepin onto 
his buzzum, and with tetchin pathos wantid to kno 
ef he wuz willin, for sich small pay, to leave sich a 
tarnisht name to the four children now born to em 
and the wun wich wuz expectid ? He repentid and 
refoosed. I didn't investigate ez fully ez I might, 
for ther ain't a drop uv likker sold ther ; and ez my 



A McCracken Mission. 77 

flask give out, I felt that doo considerashen for my 
health vvoodent permit my stayin another hour. I 
recommend the abolishen uv the office, or the estab- 
lishment uv a grosery, with a bar in the back room, 
ez a nukleus around wich the Dimocrisy kin rally. 

The next place I cum to I found the Postmaster 
a suspishus caracter — very suspishus. Whenever 
he is drunk he speaks very highly uv the Sekretary 
uv State, but when sober he avoids politikle matters. 
I sejest a raise in the salary uv the offis, that he kin 
afford to keep drunk all the time. 

At the next pint I interdoost myself ez a English 
nobleman in disguise, studyin Amerikin manners 
and customs, and menshund carelessly that I hed 
bin to Washinton, and hed bin presentid to the 
President and Sekretary uv State. The Postmaster 
wuz vizably affectid. Glancin furtively around to 
see that no one wuz lookin, he remarked in a low 
tone : " My deer sir, don't, I beg uv yoo, form yoor 
idea uv the public men uv Ameriky from them spe- 
cimens. Don't, I beg. The first, sir, is a accident 
— sich a man cood never hev bin made on purpose. 
The second wuz suthin, in his earlier years ; but 
now, sir, now — he's a degradid old man," and he 
busted into tears. " Bein determind to hold onto 
his place, he tried at fust to bring the President, by 



'^S Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

accident, up to his level ; but that bein impossible, 
he deliberately let hisself down to the level uv the 
President, and the distance, sir, wuz so great, the 
Sekretary bein suthin, that the shock, sir, undoubt- 
edly knockt his intelleck out uv him, for he ain't 
displayed any since. He literally fell among thieves. 
May the Lord forgive Willyum H. Sew^ard for the 
shipw^reck he made uv his reputashen, for — " 

At this pint the poor man stopt. I happened to 
pull out my hankercher, and in doin so dropt upon 
the floor a piece uv paper, w^ich he seed. It read : 

" Petroleum V. Nasby, Dr. 
** To G. Bascom. 
" To drinks doorin the month uv Janooary at lo 

cents per drink $30 00 " 

He looked at my face, and seein that that bill 
reely belonged to me, fell faintin onto the floor, 
shreekin, " I'm McCrackened." 

I leave the case in the hands uv the Cabinet. 
It's aggravatin. 

Another man openly defied me. He wantid me 
to take the offis oft' uv his hands. His children, he 
sed, w^uz made mouths at and skoffed at, at skool, 
becoz ther father, w^ich hed bin a Republikin, held 
a Fedral offis, and his wife wuz defected for Presi- 
dent uv the Sewia Sosiety, a posishen she hed alluz 



A McCracken Mission. 79 

held, on the same akkount. He hed stood it long 
enuff. Ef he coodent git it off his hands, he'd com- 
mit sooicide, and by thus puttin hisself out uv the 
way make his abuzed family the only reparashen in 
his power. I sejest that he be removed. Sich talk 
may be safely set down ez incendiaiy. 

Another hed the highest possible opinion uv the 
President, and worshipt the Secretary. He consid- 
ered his plan uv reconstruction the best wich cood 
hev bin devised by mortal wisdom. He hed vainly 
striven to git a nominashen for an offis from the 
Republikin party for years, but failed, owin to a lack 
uv confidence. He wood have jined the Democ- 
racy ; but ez they wuz hopelessly in the minority, it 
woodent hev helped him. He considered Johnson's 
idea uv fiUin the ofiisis with Republikins bully, ther 
bein so few uv that persuasion who'd take em, and 
he didn't want any accessions to the party. 

Ther wuz now jist enuff to hold the ofBsis in con- 
trol uv the President, and them wuz all the offisis 
they cood git any how. I sejest that he be contin- 
yood. He isn't discreet ; but we can't expect all 
the virchoos at so small a price. None uv us is 
perfeck — I spose I hev my failins. 

I shell continyoo my investigashens, tho it is 
dredful tryin labor. Goin, ez I do, thro Abolition 



8o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

sections, I hev to carry my own whiskey ; and ez sad 
experience hez demonstrated, quart flasks won't do. 
Sometimes I hev to lay in one uv them towns for 
three hours. I respeckfully submit, that arrange- 
ments be made for the transportashen uv a keg uv 
sustenance to accompany me ; otherwise, I shel 
peremptorily resine. At my time uv life my regeler 
supplies is necessary. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 

Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle 

& Military Institoot. 



School Books for the South. 8i 



X. 



Mr. Nashfs Board commence the Compilation of a 
Series of School Books for the '-'- Institoot^^ and 
the South generally^ but are thwarted by the 
perverse jfoe Bigler. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
Febrooary 20, 1867. 



•} 



THE Institoot is, I may say, a success. Con- 
tribushens flow in slowly but shoorly, — fast 
enufl* indeed to give each uv the Board a noo soot 
uv close ; and we, speshelly, who hev the fust han- 
dlin uv that money, sevral other comforts. But that 
corner-stun troubles us. Sum hundreds uv people 
saw that a bottle uv likker and a greenback wuz 
deposited under it, and regerly every nite it's bin 
overturned by persons in serch uv them relics. At 
great expense we built onto it a section uv wall ; 
but makin no accouiit uv our expenditoor, they over- 
turned it. We then histed a sign-board bearing this 
6 



Si Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

legend : " The whisky is gone, and the greenback 
also," signed by the Board ; but one half uv the 
citizens uv that lokality don't read, and tother didn't 
hev the nessary confidence in the truthfulness uv the 
Board to prevent em from goin for the artikles, tho 
the very knowlege uv us wich brot about this state 
uv disbelief, shood, wun wood suppose, hev taught em 
that the greenback and likker coodent possibly be 
there after so long a period hed ensood. So, ez a 
last resort, we stuck two posts in the ground and 
drawd an iron chain over it. That got em. Force 
is about the only thing uv any account in this 
country. 

The Board met last nite at the Post Offis, wich, 
ontil we git the Institoot built, will be the headquar- 
ters uv the Trustees, to consider the propriety uv 
publishin a series uv skool books, adaptid especially 
to the Southern intelleck, and calculated partike- 
larly to keep alive in the minds uv the buddin yooths 
uv the late Confederacy, wich is unfortunately de- 
ceest, a lively opinion uv themselves and a corre- 
sponding hatred uv Noo England and the North 
generally. We hev had serious doubts whether proper 
ideas cood be instilled into a yooth from a book 
written by a Boston man, and printed in Cincinnati, 
onto paper made in Noo York. 



School Books for the South. 83 

I submitted to the Board a example for a noo 
Arithmetic, to wit : — 

" A Yankee sent a substitoot into the Federal army 
at a cost uv $1,000, passing off onto him two coun- 
terfeit ten dollar notes. To make up the expenditoor, 
he to-wunst swindles a innocent Kentuckian out uv 
$100 in a patent rite, a Alabamian out uv $200 in 
a western land trade, and the balance he makes up 
by sellin wooden nutmegs, wich he turns out uv 
basswood at a profit uv 4 cents per one. The grate 
moral question is, how many nutmegs must this 
ingenius but unprincipled cuss manufaktur, and 
how long does it take him, with the improoved ma- 
chinery, they hev to do it? 

" The Southern soljers, at the battle uv the first 
Bull Run, captured 18 Federals, one uv whom hed 
upon his person $12 in greenbax, and tothers $8 
each. How many uv Johnson^ Postmasters cood 
be bought with the proceeds uv the capcher ? " 

Deekin Pogram approved uv these examples ; but 
he kept insistin that there wuzn't enuff in em to fire 
the Southern heart. The Southern heart wuz a per- 
petooal funeral pile wich needid continyooal firin. 
Onless fired it wuz a gloomy mass uv very onsightly 
black cinders. He proposed that the forthcoming 
book shood be coal oil on the slumberin embers uv 
the yoothful Southern heart. He hed a example : — 



84 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

" The battle uv Chickamauga wuz fought a certain 
number uv miles from Chattanooga. One regiment 
uv Confedrit soljers druv a division uv Fedral mer- 
cenaries into the town. Allowin that each Fedral, 
ez well ez Confedrit, bed two legs, how many more 
steps did the Fedrals take to get em into Chatta- 
nooga, where they wuz comparatively safe from 
Confedrit rage and valor, and sich, than it did the 
Confedrits to drive em thar?" 

Bascom remarkt that he bed one wich he felt it 
his dooty to perpose : — 

"A strikly conscienshus grosery keeper starts in 
biznis worth four hundred dollars in clean cash. 
He pays for his whiskey two dollars per gallon in 
Looisville, and hez for a reglar customer a Post- 
master, wich drinks forty or sixty times per day, and 
alluz tells him to *jist chalk it down.* Required 
the length uv time nessary to bust him under them 
afflictin circumstances?" 

Bascom remarkt that long before the book ap- 
pears in print, he wood be able to furnish the anser 
to that little problem. Considerin the example a 
dig direct at me, I wuz uv a noshen to retort ; but 
ther wuz sich a look uv injerd innosense onto Bas- 
com's countenance that reely I coodent. Suthin 
must be done for Bascom, — I hev lived outer him 



School Books for the South. 8^ 

too long. The next contribushen I reseeve from 
frends North shel be devoted to liquidating, in part, 
the debt I owe him. I cood bust him, by not givin 
him at least cost for his likker ; but wat follows? 
There's the rub. Wood he who come after give me 
credit? Better bear the ills we hev than fly to them 
to wich we hevn't bin interdoost. 

Joe Bigler, the drunken Confedrit soljer, happened 
in, and heard the last two examples, and remarkt 
that he cood furnish us any number uv examples 
at site. We never stop Joseph in anythin he per- 
poses to do, for he hez a habit uv carryin a navy 
revolver slung to him, and he shoots. Joseph wuz, 
therfore, permitted to perceed. 

" Ef a Southern man pants for his rites, and fites 
four years for em, gittin licked like the devil, how 
long after is it advisable for him to continyoo to 
pant, pei-vidid he didn't know at the beginnin wat 
his rites wuz ? " 

I vencherd to remark that a solution uv that prob- 
lem wuz impossible, thar bein no pint to work a 
departure from, to wich Joseph remarkt that per- 
haps it wuz faulty in that partikeler ; but he hed 
others : — 

*'Ef a Southern soljer kin whip five Northern 
soljers, why in bloody thunder, they hevin hed a 



86 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

suffishency uv opportoonities uv doin it, didn't the 
South gain her independence ? 

" Ef fitin four years, and loosin every doggoned 
cent's worth uv property a man hed w^uz profitable 
biznis, hov^ many struggles for independence wood 
a man uv modrit means be justified in goin thru 
with? 

" Ef two gallons and a half uv Kentucky whisky 
kin be got from a bushel uv corn, how many Demo- 
cratic voters, takin young men ez they run, kin be 
manufaktured from the produck uv an aker uv good 
land in a modrit year for corn ? 

" A high-toned shivelrous Virginian, twenty years 
ago, hed a female slave wich wuz ez black ez a crow, 
and worth only $800. Her progeny wuz only half 
ez black ez a crow, and her female grandchildren 
wuz sufiishently bleached to sell in Noo Orleans for 
$2,500 per female offspring. Required, ist. The 
length uv time nessary to pay off the Nashnel debt 
by this means. 2d. The number uv years nessary 
to bleach the cuss of color out uv the niggers uv 
the United States. 

" Ef four old gray-headed jackasses, wich ought 
to know better, see fit to keep one sucker filled with 
whisky, how many suckers cood four iron-gray mules 
keep filled, they bein only half jackass? 



School Books for the South. 87 

"A. Johnson hed the idea uv carryin a certin num- 
ber uv deestricks, by speekin in em with Seward, 
all uv wich gave increased majorities agin him. 
Required the number uv miles uv travel, and the 
number uv repetitions uv the speech, to enable him 
to carry out his policy ? 

" Ef two nips at Washinton wuz suffishent to per- 
doose the speech at the inaugerashen on the 4th uv 
March, 1865, how many must have bin slung into 
A. J. to perdoose the 226. uv Febrooary effort, and 
how many must he hev taken between Washinton 
and St. Louis?" 

" These examples," sed Joseph, " I consider nes- 
sary for this book ; and ef it is published without 
em I shel take it ez a persnel affront, for which I 
shel hold the Board persnelly responsible. The 
Southern yooth must be properly instructed — my 
orphans must hev proper notions instilled into em, 
and these examples is necessary to that end. Let 
this Board remember that, when this book is pub- 
lisht, ef these examples is not in them, they hev me 
to settle with." 

And Joseph departed. We are in a quandary. 
We dare not publish the book without his examples, 
for he alluz keeps his word, and is a ugly cuss to 
deal with ; and uv course puttin em in coodent be 



88 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

thought uv. We finally decided that Joseph must 
be got out uv the way ez soon ez possible, and there- 
fore votid that Bascom give him unlimited credit at 
his bar for a w^eek, chargin the same upon the ac- 
count uv the Institoot. I knov^ that a free run at 
his barrels would finish me or any one uv the Board 
in that time. Happy Bigler ! He hez at least one 
satisfactry week afore him, — I cood almost wish 
the Board wood try it on me. It would be a short 
but glorious career. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 

Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 

Military Institoot. 



Desires Confirmation. 89 



XI. 

Mr, Nasby desires Confirmation, — Is advised 
how to proceed by the President^ but rejects 
the Proposition with Scorn, 

Washington, D. C, March 20, 1867. 

WASHINGTON agin! What changes hev 
been made in the last two years ! Not in 
Washington, for this deliteful abode uv official pu- 
rity hezn't changed a particle, nor never will. From 
the summit uv Willard's Hotel I kin see now, ez I 
did a year ago, the same signs uv " steamed oys- 
ters ; '* the Capitle, in front, tdwrin over the trees at 
the tother end uv the avenue, and behind, the Patent 
Offis and Post Offis buildings ; the first the Mecca 
uv every Dimokrat and the tother uv every Yankee 
who comes here. No ! Washington ain't changed, 
but I hev. Formerly, when I visited Washington, 
it wuz tite times with me. Willard's wuz my hotel 
then ez now. Chadwick, him uv the towerin hite, 
rotund abdomen, side whiskers, and round hat, wuz 



go Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

then, ez now, my landlord. In them days, before 
the happy return uv A. Johnson to reason put some 
thousands uv Democrats, who hed more stumic than 
money, and more appetite than small change, into 
offis, and, per consekence, into condition to pay 
their bills, I wuz a guest at this hotel ; which is to 
say, I slept on the steps uv the Capitol, and took, 
or tried to take, my meals at Chadwick's bountiful 
board. Ef I hed no currency, I hed taste ; and ez 
I wuz foragin for subsistence, I alius made it a pint 
to forage on the richest paster fields. It's ez easy to 
cheek a first class dinner ez it is a second class ; and 
besides, I felt that sich a hotel ez Willard's wuz 
better able to stand sich boarders ez I wuz than them 
of less patronage. I kept away from the tother 
hotels out of sympathy for the proprietors. Never 
shel I forget my last visit here. I hed run the dinin- 
room guardian angel for a week, and wuz congratu- 
latin myself on another week at least, when Chad- 
wick stopped me hisself, and the follerin conversashen 
ensood : — 

" My friend," sed he, in winnin tones. 

" Davis, Garret, is my name ! " sez I, promptly. 

" We hear enuff," sez he. " Listen ! I've let you 
run a week, coz it's my regler practis. Yoo hed a 
hungry look, but by this time yoo ought to be filled 



Desires Confirmation. 91 

up and able to go at least a week without eatin. 
Ez yoo ain't uv no earthly yoose to any body, and 
make no pretensions to bein ornamental — Git ! " 
and three well-directed kicks landid me onto the 
sidewalk. 

But I hev forgiven him. He treats me well. He 
hes confidence in me now, ez I hev paid my board 
in advance. It's a rool he hez, he jocosely remarked, 
with men of my peculiar cast uv countenance, to hev 
em pay in advance. He says it's much the best way. 
After payin, sich men ez me feel more comfortable 
about the house, and so do the proprietors. It's me 
that is changed, — I hev money to pay my bills. 
Bless the Lord for Seward, Johnson, Randall, and 
other luxuries ! 

But pleasant ez it is to contrast my former po- 
sishen with my present proud one, I hev not time to 
dwell upon reminiscences. Life is short; I am a 
practical man, and tho it may be pleasant to linger 
for a moment onto memry's pleasant fields, I cannot. 
My biznis in Washington is precisely what every 
Democrat's biznis here is, to get confirmed. It 
ain't no trouble for a Kentucky Dimocrat to git 
appintid, for the President hez so far relaxed his 
rules in this pertikeler ez to appint them ez wuzn't 
never in the Confederit army ; but to get confirmed 



92 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

is the pinch. There's the gauntlet uv a Ablishen 
Senit to run ; and good Lord, wat a knowledge the}'- 
hev uv the out-goins and in-comins of the appintees ! 

The President and Postmaster-General Randall 
wuz extremely anxious for my confirmashen, so 
much so, that they advised me to resort to the strat- 
egy now so common in the North. 

" Go back on me for the time bein," sed that 
trooly great and good man who adorns the sofas in 
the Presidenshul Manshen. " Wilcox em. That's 
yoor only holt : Wilcox em. I advised him to do it, 
and see how it worked." 

" My dear sir," sed I, carried away by this new 
and onexpected development uv greatness, " kin 
yoo bear to hev me who bears yoor banner in Ken- 
tucky bend the knee to a ablishen Senit, and repoo- 
diate yoo, even for a hour? It is safe in my case, 
for my nateral affinities are with yoo, but don't, I 
beg uv yoo, advise all uv em to do so. My deer 
sir, two thirds uv em will go out for confirmashen, 
and, ef successful, will forgit to return." 

But the great and good Johnson wood take no 
denials. " Draw up," sed he, " a letter to a con- 
servative member uv Congress, explainin your con- 
nection with me, and — " 

And overkum with emoshen, he burst into tears. 



Desires Confirmation. 93 

Sadly I undertook the task, and after four hours 
uv intense labor, the following wuz completed : — 

" Hon. , House uv Reps. 

*' My dear Sir : My confirmashen by the Senit 
uv the Yoonited States to the posishen uv Postmas- 
ter at the Confederit X Roads, wich is in the State 
uv Kentucky, being somewhat jeopardized by my 
operashuns in the politikle field doorin the past two 
years, I hev the honor to explane that, notwith- 
standin the fact that I wuz a original Demokrat, 
early in the war I took up arms for the preservashen 
uv our beloved Yoonion. The precise date I cannot 
give, owin to the demoralized condishen uv my mind 
at the time; but that yoo kan assertane for yoor- 
selves. It wuz about two weeks after the fust draft. 
That I laid down arms agin ez soon ez the regiment 
struck Southern sile will not, when the motives wich 
actooated me are known, be allowed to weigh agin 
me. It hez bin said I deserted to the enemy, — so 
it wuz sed uv John Champe, but history subsekently 
vindicated him ; he went to ketch Arnold. I will 
not stop to reply to my defamers ; but ef it comes" 
out finally that I went for the purpose uv satisfyin 
rebels by okular demonstrashun that they hed nothin 
to hope for from the Northern Democrats, uv whom 



94 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

I wuz a average specimen, what kin my enemies 
say then? 

" I do not deny that I wuz a ardent supporter uv 
President Johnson from the beginning uv his career. 
I wuz filled with a drafted man's magninimity to- 
ward a conkered foe, and up to the very day I 
reseeved my commishen I favored consilatory meas- 
ures. I accompanied him on his — I will not say 
disgraceful, for he is my sooperior officer — tour 
thru the Northern States, and slung my hat higher 
nor anybody else's at his — I will not say drunken, 
for reasons above mentioned — speeches, and aboozed 
the highly intelligent populaces at Cleveland, Injean- 
apolis, Springfield, and other pints, in a manner 
wich, now that I think uv it, wuz trooly shameful. 
Also, I organized the Postmasters uv various North- 
ern States into a Johnson party, and vigorously sup- 
ported members uv Congress pledged to the policy 
uv wich I wuz, at the time, a deceeved supporter. 
About this time I wuz appointed Postmaster ; and, 
findin I needed confirmashen, my views undergoed 
a radical change. Time and observashen hev taught 
me that instid of consiliashen, coershen is our best 
holt ; and that now military measures are necessary 
in the South ontil them rebellyus people completely 
acquiesce in terms imposed by Congris for restora- 



Desires Confirmation. 95 

shen. My views on this interestin topic is best 
defined by the recent speeches uv Hon. Charles 
Sumner, the eminent and trooly great Senator from 
the enlitened State uv Massachusetts, and also by 
the recent utterances uv them lovable Representa- 
tives, Hon. Thadeus Stevens, of Pennsylvania, Hon. 
& Gen. Benj. F. Butler, uv Massachoosetts, and Hon. 
James M. Ashley, uv Ohio, in all uv w^hose senti- 
ments, sich as they hev now, and also them ez they 
hev alluz hed, as well ez them which they may here- 
after hev, I most heartily and entirely concur. 

" With this explanation, wich I hope will prove 
entirely satisfactory, and with the addishnel asshoor- 
ence that I am now a very warm supporter of the 
Congressional policy, and that when I look back 
and see what I hev bin a doin for the past two 
years, I so loathe myself that I kin hardly be re- 
strained from sooisidin, may I ask you to personally 
urge my confirmation in the Senit? 

" Trooly and Respectfully Yours, 

" Petroleum V. Nasby." 

I read this epistle to A. Johnson, who wuz pleased 
to approve it, and also to Randall, who wuz delited 
with it, and to Welles, who, after forcing me to 
read it twice over, wantid to know if it had anything 



96 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

to do with the Navy Department, and then returned 
to the President with my mind fully made up that 
/ never would , send that docufnent, 

"Wat?" sed he, startin back astonished, "not 
send it?" • 

" Never ! " sed I. " Never ! Sich things may do 
for Postmasters and Assessors wich you took from 
the Republican ranks, but not for me. I hev done 
many things wich perhaps woodn't hold out sixty 
pounds to the bushel — I voted for Peerce and like- 
wise for Bookannon, and supported em in all their 
various dooins, besides other things too tejus to men- 
shun ; but my sensitive soul recoils at this, — my 
proud stumick revolts. I leave it for yoor Custers 
and Wilcoxes and sich, — no Kentucky Dimokrat 
kin. Let them refooze to confirm me at their peril. 
I am the only Dimocrat in tQxi miles who kin write, 
and they dare not, by turning me out, deprive Ken- 
tucky, wich never seceded, uv mail facilities." 

" Brave man ! " exclaimed Johnson, in a husky 
voice, and his eyes suffused with tears, fallin onto 
my neck and weepin profoosely down my back, 
" let em reject yoo. Ef they do, I pledge yoo my 
word, and will give yoo sekoority now if yoo desire 
it, that yoo shell hev a partnership with Mrs. Cobb, 
or Mrs. Perry, wich is worth a score uv post offices." 



Desires Confirmation. 97 

I hev alius noticed that virchoo is its own re- 
ward. By bein troo, wot a feeld is now open to me. 
Let the Senit do its worst. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politics in the Suthern Classikle & 
Military Institoot. 

7 



98 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XII. 

Mr, Nashy takes a Retrospective View, — He 
considers the Situation.^ and is not satisjied 
vjith it. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads '\ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 

March 25, 1867. ) 

BACKERD, turn backerd, O Time in yoor flite," 
is the fust line uv a song wich I heerd not 
long since. Wood that Time cood perform that back 
ackshen feat, and get us all back wher we wuz six 
years ago. But Time can't. Time is a perpetooal 
moshen, wich must go on, and on, and wich can't 
never retrace her steps. 

The situashen ain't pertickelerly agreeable jist 
now. It hezn't a joocy look, nor does it promise an 
improvement in the future. The confidence uv the 
Dimocrisy uv Kentucky is shaken to thcextent tliat 
it's lost its equilibrium and totters to its centre. 
When it falls, I shel be found under the rooins. 



A Retrospective View. 99 

The passage of the MiHtary Law may be sed to be 
the last feather wich reely ought to break the Ken- 
tucky earners back. It's the deepest and finishnest 
stab at constooshnel hberty and ekal rites, inezmuch 
ez it not only blasts forever the hopes uv re-estab- 
lishin slavery, but gives the nigger all the rites and 
privileges enjoyed by white men. We, who are 
chiefly interested,, are not to be consulted in the 
matter. Fedral hirelins, whose very presence is 
pizen to the people uv these States, are to be quar- 
tered onto us to see that " justis " — wat holler 
mockry ! — is done to em. The governments estab- 
lished by Androo Johnson is overturned ef they don't 
play the fiddle to military satraps, and accept the 
Constooshnel Amendment, wich perhibits them who 
wuz our champions in the late effort to destroy a 
government wich we hatid, from takin hold uv it 
agin and runnin it. Wuz ther ever sich a mixter 
uv injustis and perscripshen ? Wuz ther ever sich 
severity? Wuz ther ever sich a lack uv magna- 
nimity? And all this time where is Johnson? He 
vetoed these bills, — but wherefore ? He knowd tHat 
the Rump Congress hed a majority uv two thirds, 
and cood pass em over his veto ; why, then, when 
they set his authority at defiance, didn't he rise in 
his might and disperse em ? Where, too, wuz the 



lOO Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Dimocrisy uv the North? Where are they in this 
crisis, when our dearest rites — their greatest care 
— is bein shiprecked on the iron-bound rocks uv 
despotism ? Where are they, I say ? Why don't they 
rally, ez they threatened, and demand that Johnson 
shel hurl them levelers from their usurped seats, and 
restore peace, on sich terms ez we shall consider 
ekitable, to this wunst happy, but now distracted, 
country. Alas ! they hevn't time. I see them who 
breathed so much vengence and slawtrins afore 
Johnson hed offices to dispose uv, a neglectin us, and 
a runnin about gittin signatoors to applicashens for 
Post Offises, and hollerin to us ez they ketch their 
breath, " Accept the condishens — git back into the 
Yoonion, that we may elect the President in 1868, 
who'll give us all the patronage ! " Their noose- 
papers all shreek, "Accept, and get back into the 
Yoonion, that we may elect the next President, who'll 
give us all the patronage ! " And that ain't the 
worst uv it. Them wich we bought up with appint- 
ments diskivered on a sudden that a Abolition Senit 
h«d to confirm em, and to ^ekoor that they hev gone 
back onto us. Custer is a shinin example, Wilcox 
is another, and I mite menshun hundreds uv others 
who hev slid back in the same manner. 

Troy wuz taken by the strategy uv the Greeks, 



A Retrospective View. ioi 

who exposed a wooden horse, in the bowels uv wich 
wuz conceded armed men, wich the verdant Troys 
pulled inside their gates. Androo Johnson wuz the 
wooden horse wich wuz sent into our camp by the 
Ablishnists, and the offices wuz the armed men in 
his bowels. They hev bin our rooin. So long ez 
they wuz in the dim distance, the Democracy wuz 
hungry and feroshus, and capable uv almost anythin 
—7 so soon ez they got em, they become quiet ez 
lambs. The Postmaster who holds a commishn sez 
to himself, " Wherefore shel I bust the Government 
under wich I hev a place? Kin I git another under 
the new one ? " and he yells to us, *' Accept the 
terms ! " We capchered the camp uv the enemy, 
but are demoralized by the plunder we found. It's 
the old trick, over agin, these offices, which the 
white men yoost to play onto the Injins, to wit : — 
evacuatin a posishen and leavin a barrel uv whiskey 
behind, knowin that the Injin's instincts, like them 
uv a Kentucky Dimokrat's, wood lead him to git 
blind drunk, and make him a easy prey to the 
skelpin knife. The offisis wuz the whiskey wich 
intoxicated our braves ; and our skelps, so to speek, 
hang at the belts uv our enemies. Sumner hez 
many, Thad Stevens hez many, and Butler is a 
gatherin uv em with a rapidity wonderful to behold. 



I02 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

But wat marks the demoralizashen uvthe Dimoc- 
risy the most, is the foUerin extract wich I cut from 
the Noo York World, wunst our trusted orgin. I 
hev not the heart to re-write it. I paste the slip 
onto the paper ; hence I am not responsible for sich 
errors uv orthografy and grammer ez may be discov- 
ered into it. Here it is : — 

" As regards the popular notion of the odor of 
the negro, it may be positively stated that he, in this 
respect, is like the white, — a clean negro bein free 
from it, and a foul one cursed by it." 

Ef this be troo — ef the nigger don't stink, then 
Noah got tite, and Ham wuz cust in vane — then 
Paul sent back Onesimus for nothin, and Hager is 
uv no more interest to the Dimocrisy than any other 
female who hez bin ded several thousand years. 
The Dimocratic party wuz built upon this stink ; 
and ef that corner-stun is knocked out, the temple 
falls, and buries all beneath its rooins who are shel- 
tered under it, uv whom I am the cheefest and the 
loveliest among ten thousand. 

At one fell swoop the wfhd is knockt out uv the 
sales uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Wat is the nig- 
ger now to them ef he does not stink? " Popler 
noshen," indeed ! Trooly it wuz a popler noshen. 
That stink led hundreds uv thousands uv Democrats 



A Retrospective View. 103 

by the nose. That "odor" — ez the writer styles 
it — wuz our best holt, and wun wich wuz every- 
thing to us. That stink wuz all that elevated the 
Demokrat over the nigger — that wuz our mark of 
sooperiority. We^ at times, wuz not uv the precise 
odor uv Nite-bloomin serious. A Democratic mass 
convenshen, when in a tite room, with two stoves 
in it, wuz not the most odorous gatherin in the 
world ; but we thanked God continyooally that the 
smell wich ariz ez the room got hot wuz not the 
pecooliar aroma uv the nigger, and we wuz com- 
forted. But this writer redooses the whole thing — 
the whole difference between the nigger and a Dem- 
ocrat — to a matter of color and cleanliness. Wat 
heresy ! Wat iconaclasm ! (this last word meanin, 
I believe, idol breakin, or suthin uv that sort.) JBJ" 
this be troo^ thc7t in the nite ti77ie^ a Ttigger with 
his feet washed is better than a Demokrat ! For 
one, now I care not ef Dr. Cummins' " Last Warnin 
Cry " be trooly the last. I'm sorry that he rented 
his house for ninety-nine years, ez it hez a tendency 
to destroy my faith in his beleef that the world is 
about peggin out. The sooner Gabrel blows his 
horn the better I shel be sooted. 

Here agin this matter uv state offisis comes in. 
The Dimocrisy uv Noo York see that nigger suffrage 



ro^ Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

is inevitable, and to sekoor their share uv it, they're 
biddin in time ; forgettin that while they're acheevin 
a temporary success on that side uv the cirkle we're 
losing all control uv the niggers on this. Wat did 
the South ever care for Dimokratic successes, 'ceptin 
ez it bolstered up their niggers ? 

I'm discouraged. I see afore me trouble. I see 
bbt one or two streeks uv lite on my horizon. Ohio 
won't let her niggers vote no how, and sum other 
States are in the same fix, and possibly this ackshen 
may be the sign uv returnin reason. Ohio may, after 
all, be the rock agin wich the waves uv fanatakism 
may beet in vane, and conservatism, gatherin strength 
there, may finally assert itself elsewhere. May the 
Lord send it, for ef this thing goes on, I'm a lost 
and rooined man. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 

Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 

Military Institoot. 



The Negro Vote. 105 



XIII. 



The Negro Vote. — Mr. Nashy^ in imitation of 
Wade Hampton^ tries to conciliate the African, 
— The Result of tJte Venture. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
March 28, 



Roads ^ 
jntucky), V 
5, 1867. j 



IHEV made many sudden and rather 'strordi- 
nary changes in politix — some so very sudden 
that the movement perdoost conjestion uv the con- 
shence. I rekollect wunst uv advokatin free trade 
and high protective tariff, all within twelve hours 
(I made a speech in a agricultooral deestrik uv Noo 
York in the forenoon, at 10 A. M., and in a manu- 
facturin town in Pennsylvany in the evenin, our 
platform bein so construktid that both sides cood 
find a endorsement in it), and hev performed many 
other feats uv moral gymnastiks ; but this last change 
I hev bin called upon to make is probably the sud- 
denest. Last week Toosday, Deekin Pogram, Cap- 



io6 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

tain McPelter, and I, wuz engaged in riddin the 
Corners uv niggers. We bed endoord em ez long 
ez we thot possible, and determined on standin it 
no longer. Selectin three, wich we wuz satisfied 
hed too much spellin-book into em to be enslaved 
agin, we wuz preparin notises to be served onto em, 
orderin em to leave in twenty-four hours, when I 
reseeved in the northern mail a letter marked " Free 
— Alex. W. Randell, P. M. G." I knowd it wuz 
offishel to-wunst — that bles^id signatoor is on my 
commisshun, and Tve contemplatid it too often to 
be mistaken in it. Its contents wuz brief, and run 
thus : — 

" To all Postmasters in the Southern States : The 
niggers hev votes — consiliashen is our best holt. 
See to it." 

This breef, tho not hard to be understood order, 
wuz sealed with the offishel seal uv the Post Offis 
Department, stampt into putty instid uv wax, to wit : 
a loaf of bread, under a roll uv butter, with ten 
hands a grabbin at it. I comprehended the situa- 
tion at site, and set about doin my dooty with both 
Roman and Spartan firmness. " Deekin," sez 1, 
tearin up the notises, " these niggers we hev misun- 
derstood. They are not a inferior race — they are 
not descendants uv Ham and Hager — it wuzn't 



The Negro Vote. 107 

Paul's idea in sendin back Onesimus to condemn 
him to servitood — we hev misunderstood the situa- 
tion, and must make amends. The nigger is devoid 
uv smell, and is trooly a man and a brother ! " 

"Wat?" said the Deekin, tippin back in amaze- 
ment. 

"Jest wat I say," sez I. "Read that," and I 
flung him the letter. 

The upshot uv the conference wich follered wuz 
the callin uv a meetin the next nite, at vs^ich all the 
Ethiopians uv the Corners wuz invited and urged 
to be present. 

The trouble wuz to git the niggers to attend the 
meetin. The fust one I spoke to lafll in my face, 
and askt me how long it wuz sence I hed helpt 
hang a couple uv niggers, by way uv finishin off a 
celebrashen. Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper, got 
hold uv it, and told Joe Bigler, and Joe swore that 
ef the niggers hedn't any more sense than we give 
em credit for, in sposin we cood bamboozle em so 
cheep, he shood go back to the old beleef, to wit : 
that they wuz only a sooperior race uv monkeys, 
after all ; and by nite every nigger in the visinity 
wuz postid thoroughly, and out uv all uv em I cood 
only git four who would promise to attend, and 
them the Deekin hed to pay $2 apiece to. .To give 



io8 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

it eclaw I promised one uv em $5 (to be paid at the 
close uv the meetin) to sit on the stand with me, 
wich, bein a very poor man, and hevin a sick wife 
in a shanty near by, who wiiz suffering for medi- 
cine (wich he coodent git without money), he ac- 
cepted. 

At this pint an idee struck me. I remembered 
Philadelfy, and determined to hev a scene rivahn 
the Couch and Orr biznis. "Another thing. Cuff. 
Understand that it's a part uv the bargain that when 
in my speech I turn to yoo and stomp, yoo must 
rise and embrace me." 

"Wat?"sezhe. 

" Fall into my arms, lovin-like — you understand 
— jist as tho we wuz long-lost brothers ! " 

" Scuse me ! " sed he. " I'se a mity low nigger, 
and wants to buy de old woman some quinine, and 
wood do most anything foah dat ; but, golly, dat's 
too much ! " 

" Not a cent," sed I, sternly, assoomin my most 
piercinest gaze ; " onless this is included ! " 

" Well," returned he, sulkily, " ef I must, I speck 
I must ; but, golly — " 

The nite arrived, and the meetin-house wuz full. 
We thot fust uv holding it in the chapel uv the Col- 
lege, but give up the idea ez impracticable, ez, owin 



The Negro Vote. 109 

to the dlllytorinls uv our Northern friends in for- 
wardin sich subscripshens ez they hev raised, we 
hevent got no further with the bildin than layin the 
corner-stun. In the front wuz the four niggers, all 
in clean shirts, and on the stand wuz the nigger I 
hed engaged. Over the platform, wuz the follerin 
mottoes : — 

" In Yoonion ther is strength — For President in 
1868, Fernando Wood. For Vice President, Fred- 
erick Duglis." 

" In the nigger, strength — In the Caucashen, 
beauty — In the mulatter, who is trooly the noblest 
uv the human species — both." 

In addishen to these, we dug up all the old mot- 
toes wich Jefferson writ, about yooniversal liberty 
and sich, wich hedn't bin quoted in Kentucky for 
twenty years, and postid em up ; in brief, hed Wen- 
dell Phillips' blessed sperit bin a hoverin over that 
meetin-house, it wood hev smiled approvinly. 

I spoke to em elokently on the yooniversal broth- 
erhood uv mankind, holdin that whatever else cood 
be sed, Adam wuz the father uv all mankind, and 
that the only diffrence between a white man and a 
nigger wuz, the nigger wuz sun-burnt. The nigger, 
I remarkt, wuz, ondoubtedly, origenally white ; but 
hevin bin, sence his arrival in this country, addicted 



no Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



-jf 



to agricultooral persoots, he hed become tanned to 
a degree wich, tho it marred his physikle beauty, 
did not interfere with his sterlin goodnis uv heart. 
Ther hed bin diffrences between the races — at times 
ther hed bin onpleasantnises wich no one regretted 
more than I. The whites uv the Corners hed not 
alluz bin ez considrit ez I cood hev wished. They 
hed flogd sevral uv em, and hung many more, and 
in times past hed held em in slavery and sich ; but 
that shood not be thot uv at this happy time. It 
wuz constooshnel to do these things then, and Ken- 
tucky wuz eminently a law-abidin State. "Here," 
sez I, " on this platform, with the flag uv our com- 
mon country over me, I declare eternal friendship to 
the colored man, and to seel the declarashen I thus 
embrace — " 

The obstinit nigger didn't stir a step. 

" Come up and fling yoor arms around me, you 
black cuss," sed I, in a stage whisper. " Come 
up ! " 

" No yoo don't, boss ! " sed the nigger, in a loud 
voice, wich was audible all over the church, and 
holdin out his hand. " I can't trust yoo a bressid 
minit. Gib me de $5 fust. Yoo owe dis chile foah 
dollars now fo' sawin wood fo' yoah post oflis, and 
ef we's a gwine to hab our rites de fus yoose I shcl 




THUS EMBRACE"— Page now 



The Negro Vote. hi 

put mine to be will be gittin dat money. Pay up 
fus, and de 'brace afterward. I can't do sich a dis- 
agreeable ting widout de cash in advance." 

This ruther destroyed the effect. The unities 
wuzn't preserved. The niggers in front bust out 
in a torturing laff, and Pollock and Bigler rolld in 
convulsions uv lafture, in wich half uv our people 
joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood of 
embracin, and that cussed nigger standin with his 
hand extended for the money, with the Deekin and 
Bascom horror-struck jist behind, formed a tabloo 
wich wuz more strikin than pleasant. 

The meetin wuz to-wunst adjourned, for it wuz 
evident to the dullest comprehenshen that nothin 
more coodent be done that nite. Ez yoosual I failed 
for want uv capital. Hed I bin possesst uv the pal- 
try sum uv five dollars, how difirent wood hev bin 
the result ! Perchance we may, thro that defish- 
ency, lose Kentucky. It must never occur agin — 
my salery must be raisd. I can't make brix without 
straw. 

Joe Bigler met me next mornin and remarkt that 
he regrettid the occurrence, ez he ardently desired 
to see the two races a pullin together. " The fault, 
Perfessor," sed he, " wuz in not managin properly. 
The next time yoq want a 'spectable nigger to sit 



112 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

on the platform with yoo and the Deekin, or kiss 
or embrace yoo — git him drunk. He'll do it then, 
probably — I know he will. Ef he's drunk enufF, 
he'll hurrah for Johnson, and it's possible to git em 
down to the pint uv votin with yoo. Lord ! how 
whiskey drags a man down. See wat it's brot yoo 
to ! " and the insultin wretch rolled off, laffin bois- 
terously. " Git em drunk, Perfesser ! " he yelled ez 
long ez he cood see me. 

We don't intend to give it up. Bigler's advice 
wuz given in jest ; but, nevertheless, I shel act upon 
it. Whiskey is wat brings white men to us ; and 
ef a white man kin be thus capchered, why not a 
nigger? The Afrikin hezn't got ez far to fall to git 
down to our level, and it'll take less to bring him. 
Bascom ordered five barrels to-day, wich I spose the 
Administrashen will pay for. We hev yet the Noo 
York Custom House, and more uv the perkesits 
must be yoosed for politikle purposes. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 

Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 

Military Institoot. 



The Connecticut Election. 113 



XIV. 

The Connecticut Election. — The Effect it pro- 
duced at the Corners^ and likewise at Washing- 
ton. — A Proposition to remove the College re- 
jected, 

Washington, April 7, 1867. 

THE news uv the election in Connecticut created 
the most profound sensashen at the Corners. 
It cum to us so onexpected, so like a clap uv thun- 
der from a clear sky, or ruther so like a gleam uv 
sunlite thro a mass uv overpowrin black clouds, so 
like the first streak uv sunlite in the mornin after 
a long nite uv cholera morbus with no brandy in the 
house, that we wuz overpowered with it. The Cor- 
ners hevn't experienct sich a satisfactory spasm uv 
joy sence the receet uv the news uv the Fort Filler 
affair. It perdoost a very singler effect on Deekin 
Fogram. When I cum up to him with the news, 
he wuz engaged with all the elokence he possest 
a trying to convince a nigger, wich formerly be- 
longed to him, that, after all, the Southerners them- 
8 



114 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

selves wuz the only ones wich the niggers cood 
trust ; and that when the time cum for em to exer- 
cise the 'lective franchise, ef they hed any regard for 
their own interests they wood turn their backs on 
the Ablishinists, who wuz, to a man, hory headed 
deceevers, and trust them and them only who 
knowd em. 

'' Samyooel," sed the Deekin, in a affecshunit 
tone, with one hand on the nigger's shoulder, " why 
shoodent we love yoo ? Yoo are bone uv our bone, 
and flesh uv our flesh — we are uv one blood — " 
(this remark the Deekin got into a habit some years 
ago uv gittin off* when speekin uv the Dimocrisy 
North, and alluz uses it. It is ruther effective, tho 
in this instance, ef I hed bin in his place, I shood- 
ent hev slung it out, owin to the pecooliar con- 
struckshen wich mite be put onto it) — " and our 
interests is one, Samyooel.'* 

" Deekin," sez I, interruptin him. " Deekin ! 
Connecticut hez spoken in thunder tones, and hez 
gone Dimocratic ! " — 

" Wat ! " sez he, " Dimocratic ! " 

" Verily," sez I. " A Governer, and three Con- 
gressmen out of four." 

Ther wuz a sudden rupcher uv the friendly rela- 
shens existin between the Deekin and Samyooel the 



The Connecticut Election. 115 

dark complexioned. If he wuz uv the Deekin's 
flesh, the Deekin wuz in favor of mortifyin it ; for 
never wuz flesh so belabored ez wuz that unfortunit 
chattel's. The flesh wuz imejitly lasserated. He 
pitched into him feroshus ; and after pummelin the 
astonished Aferkin, who didn't see why the result 
of a eleckshun shood work sich a change, till he wuz 
out uv breath, he condenst wat strength wuz re- 
mainin into one vigrous kick, exclaimin — 

" Take that, yoo black swindler. I've talked 
sweet to yoo under false pretenses. I've bin be- 
trayed into wastin soft sawder onto a nigger — into 
coaxin wher I hev a ondeniable rite to command — 
into — " 

" Wat does all dis mean ? " sed the nigger, 
faintly. 

" Mean ! " sed I to him ; " my frend, this is the 
reaction we've heard so much about — it 's arriv. 
It means that there is a exceedinly good chance uv 
yoor bein redoost agin to yoor normal speer ; uv 
yoor comin down from the high hoss yoove bin a 
ridin, and uv bein agin a servant unto yoor brethren. 
It means that Connecticut hez spoken, and that yoor 
a good deal more valyooable to us now than yoo 
wuz a hour ago. Go, my friend, and buy salve for 
yoor brooses ; for unless yoor heeld yoor valyoo will 



ii6 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

be less in the markit. Yoo'd be ashamed to sell for 
a low price — woodent yoo ? " 

I left the Dimocrisy jubilatin and come on to 
Washinton, feelin that I must go where I cood 
find kindred soles. The nite I arrived there wuz 
high carnival at the White House. The President 
wuz in tall feather. Ther wuz Connecticut visible 
all over him. He hed a wooden nutmeg for a buz- 
zum pin — a minatoor bass-wood ham hung from 
his watch fob, and in honor uv the occashun they 
wuz drinkin punches made of Noo England rum, 
with small slices uv Wetherfield onyuns in em 
insted uv lemons. Randall sprung toward me ez 
I entered the room, and clasped me by one hand, 
the President by tother, and we then — not alto- 
gether onlike the three graces — embraced. They 
hed the advantage uv me, ez they hed one odor — 
the onion — wich I hedent, but I stood it. Why 
not, when that odor wuz from the breaths of those 
hevin the apintin power? I wood hev stood it hed 
they bin eatin assafoetida. 

At this juncter Sekretary Welles come in. 

" Ha ! " said he, " why this unwonted hilarity ! 
why this joy wher greef generally holds her court ! " 

" The Conneticut elecshun," said Seward. 

" O, to be sure," sed the venerable old man, 




THREE GRACES. Page ii6. 



The Connecticut Election. 117 

vacantly ; " I remember. Hawley, wuz it, or some 
other man who wuz elected over — over — wat 
wuz his name? — our candidate?*' 

" That wuz last yeer ! " sed Seward, angrily. 

" Well, perhaps it wuz. When did that State 
vote agin ? " asked he, innocently, to wich no anser 
wuz given. But very little attention is paid to Sek- 
retary Welles by any one 'ceptin Seward, and the 
fact that he occasionally undertakes to keep him 
postid in current events is ginerally taken ez evi- 
dence that he's breakin up. Poor William, it's evi- 
dent that he's passin into his dotage. 

Ther wuz a pleasant gatherin. Cowan wuz ther, 
and Saulsbury, and Garret Davis, and Doolittle, and 
Seymour, and Brooks, and more congratulatory let- 
ters wuz read than wood fill a page of the Noo 
York Herald. John C. Breckinridge hoped this 
auspicious event wuz the beginnin uv good feelin, 
presagin, ez he trusted it did, the evenchooel triumph 
uv them wich he hed alluz bin proud to call his 
friends. Mayor Monroe, uv Noo Orleens, hoped 
that, after this evidence uv returnin reason, Presi- 
dent Johnson wood not hesitate to remove that 
second Butler, Gen. Sheridan, who wuz ojius to 
every friend the President had in the city uv wich 
he wuz lately Mayor. Gen. Wise sent his congrat- 



ii8 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ulashens ; but ez they okkepied thirty-eight pages 
uv legal cap paper, closely written, they wuzn't 
read. Mosby sent a allegoricle pipe made uv a 
corn cob, onto wich wuz carved a symbolicle nigger, 
with the American eagle, a clawin vishusly into his 
wool, with his congratulations; and Fernando Wood, 
and Jesse D. Brite, and Dan Voorhees, sent theirn, 
and Vallandigham wanted to know now whether 
or not the President wuz a goin to accept the situ- 
ashen, and take the Dimocratic party to his buzzum ? 
Ef so, he hed a list of apintments for Southern 
Ohio, wich he wished made. At this pint the ques- 
tion arose whether or not I hed not better move 
n.y Classicle and Military Institoot to Connecticut? 
I am a practicle man, and I to-wunst asked, ez per- 
tinent to the question, whether or not ther wuz a 
distillery in Connecticut ; and sekond, whether or 
not ther wuz a vacant post offis within four miles 
uv it. 

Sekretary Randall replied. He woodent hold 
out indoosements that he coodent fulfill. He wuz 
honest. Honesty wuz his best holt — simple, child- 
like strate-forwardniss in his deelins in politix wuz 
his cheef failin, and had well nigh been his rooin. 
The first query was easy to anser — the eleckshun 
returns wood indicate to any man uv ordinary intel- 



The Connecticut Election. 119 

lek that ther wuz distilleries either in Connecticut 
or very handy to the State ; but ther wuz no Post 
Offisis to spare. To carry the State every wun of 
em had bin solemnly promised. 

The President remarkt that he reely shoodent 
think that triflin circumstance wood interfere with 
givin uv em to other men. 

At this pint I broke in. I told em firmly that 
onless I cood hev a better post offis than the wun 
I hed, I woodent go. I cood go and cood move 
wat there is of the College bildins. It woodent cost 
much to pay freight on that corner-stun. I spose a 
better one cood be got in Connecticut at less than 
the cost uv transportin it, but wherever that Dimo- 
cratic College is built that must be the corner-stun 
uv it. That stun is hallowed. Ther are tender 
assosiashens hangin round it. It wuz the corner- 
stone uv a nigger school-house wich we burnt to the 
ground the nite we heard uv the veto uv the Civil 
Rites Bill. But I won't go to Connecticut onless 
my subsistence is asshoored. Ther is more money 
ther than in Kentucky ; but I doubt whether they 
wood support me ez well. I speek frankly. I kin 
understand why a man kin be a Dimocrat in Ken- 
tucky — he's interested in niggers. I kin appre- 
ciate the Dimocrisy uv Suthern Injeany, Illinois, 



I20 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

and Ohio, coz they come from that region, and the 
sekond generashun ain't got to be voters. I kin 
understand the Dimocrisy in Heenan's and Fer- 
nando Wood's deestricks, but pardon me — I want 
to keep very clear uv Connecticut Democrats. A 
people anywhere in Noo England wich kin delib- 
eritly ally theirselves to us is just the kind uv people 
I don't want to be among. I instinctively mistrust 
a Yankee who hez dickered away his intrest in 
Bunker Hill. I hev notist that a Noo Englander 
wich come South and married an old maid, or a 
widder with a plantation, wuz never to be trustid ; 
and it's my experience that a demoralized Yankee 
— one who hez shed his early trainin, and took up 
anybody else's moral close — is about the meanest 
specimen uv a white man on the face uv the green 
earth. He hez the acootnis wich is born uv a bar- 
ren soil, without the Puritanism to keep it within 
bounds ; he possesses the ability to make a livin 
on his native rox, but his laziness impels him to a 
easier subsistence in milder climes ; and in^tid uv 
fishin for mackrel he goes South and fishes for men. 
A Noo Englander, unrestrained by grace, is pizen, 
and I bleeve Connecticut is full uv em. I hev 
heerd Massachoosits religion aboozed, but its suthin 
we may well be thankful for. I hev alluz bin thank- 



The Connecticut Election. 121 

fill that the Mayflower biot over religion ez well ez 
brains and will. 

Among the Connecticut Democrlsy I shood stand 
no show ; and, beside, I hev too much self-respeck 
to soshiate with em on terms uv equality. Instid 
uv foragin on them, they'd manage to live on me. 
I hev lambs to shear in Kentucky, and I don't care 
about changin em. I don't want to throw any cold 
water onto this festive occasion, it being a element 
we all despise ; but, hev we any asshoorence uv her 
continyooin troo? Ef I understand it, we won by 
means uv patronage, and running a War Demo- 
crat — a bein I, in common with all the troo Democ- 
ricy, despise. We can't do it agin. The next 
blast that sweeps from the North will bring to our 
ears a story uv another kind. One swaller don't 
make a spring. I hev knowd uv calves being born 
with two heads. This election, I fear me, is one 
uv these monstrosities wich Nacher sometimes per- 
dooses to show what she is capable uv. It ain't 
normal. I hev no objeckshun to yoor feelin good 
over it — it rejoict me, coz it'll give our friends 
South courage, and may skeer the Radicals into 
givin us better terms, but — 

My remarks wuz interrupted by Saulsbury, who 
hed bin sureptitiously drinkin punch with the ladle, 



122 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

and the odor uv the onions overcomin him he rolled 
under the table, and very shortly thereafter the 
meetin broke up. I leave for home to-morrer, or 
ez soon ez I kin draw my mileage. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle & 
Military Institoot. 



The Russian Purchase. 123 



XV. 

The Russian Purchase. — How it was done, — 
Mr. Nasby really the Originator of the Specu- 
lation. 

Washington, April 14, 1867. 

IT'S done ! Seward did it — him and me ! 
The American Eagle hez coz now to screem 
with redoubled energy. Ef the Nashnel bird wuz 
a angel, I shood remark to it, " Toon yoor harp 
anoo ; " but it ain't, and therefore sich a rekest wood 
be ridiculous. This rapsody hez refrence to the 
Rooshen purchis. 

The idea originatid in these massive intelleck. 
When I wuz here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz 
a crowdin the sainted Johnson for a mishun. Cowan 
wantid a mishun, and so did Doolittle ; and that day 
pretty much all uv the delegates to the Cleveland and 
Philadelphy Convenshens had bin there, wantin some 
kind uv a place ; wat, they wuzn't pertikeler. One 



124 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

gentleman, whose nose (wich trooly blossomed ez 
the lobster) betokened long service in the party, 
urged that he hed bin a delegate to both Conven- 
shens. " Thank God ! " sed Johnson. " Wood that 
both them Convenshens hed bin made up uv the 
same men. I wood then hev bin bored for places 
only half ez much ez I am." 

I wuz a helpin him out in my weak wa}'. When 
the crowd wantin places become too great for human 
endoorance, I wood say, in a modrit tone, " Let's go 
out and git suthin ; " and to-wunst fully half wood 
exclaim, " Thank yoo, I don't keer ef I do ! " It 
wuz a great relief to Johnson, but wuz pizen on 
me. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxiety, 
and solissitood in the gittin uv offises and free 
drinks wuz about an ekal thing. The offisis they 
wantid wuz merely the means to that pertikeler 
end ; and so long ez they wuz gittin the latter with- 
out the trouble uv the former, they wuz content. 
A good constooshen and a copper-lined stumick 
carried me thro this tryin ordeel, until I came across 
a Boston applicant, who, in consekence uv the per- 
hibitory law, hed bin for some time on short rashens, 
and wuz keen set. Napoleon hed then met his Wel- 
lington, and I succumd. The man's talent wuz 
wonderful. 



The Russian Purchase. 125 

Sekretary Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair 
family pertikerly. He bed did his level best for em. 
He bed appinted em to Collekterships and furrin 
mishuns ; but the crooel Senit, wich hed no respeck 
for us, took delite in fastening uv em onto us by 
perpetooally rejectin em. Jest after a long siege by 
Montgomery and the old man, I sejestid the purchis 
uv the Rooshen Territory, to wich not only they 
cood be sent, but a thousand uv others wich we hed 
on our hands ; and the Sekretary wuz so pleased at 
the idea that he wept like a child. With a vigor 
wonderful in one so old, he set about gittin testi- 
monials ez to the valyoo uv the territory, to infloo- 
ence the Senit in ratifyin the treaty he was agoin to 
make. And he wrote to a naval officer about it, 
who answered more promptly than I ever knowd a 
naval offiser to do, ez follows : — 

" It's trooly a splendid country ! The trade in the 
skins uv white bears kin be, ef properly developed, 
made enormous. There is seals there, and walruses 
so tame that they come up uv their own akkord to 
be ketched. 

" P. S. — In case the purchis shood be made, a 
naval stashen will be necessary. May I hope that 
my long services on the Floridy Coast would prove 



126 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

suffishent recommendashen for the command uv the 
depot? May I? 

" I hev the honor to be," &c. 

A distinguished Perfessor wrote : — 

" The climate is about the style uv that they hev 
in Washinton. The Gulf Stream sweeps up the 
coast, causing a decided twist in the isothermal line, 
wich hez the effeck uv making it ruther sultry than 
otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred miles back 
uv the coast strawberries grow in the open air. I 
recommend strongly the purchis. 

" P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin 
expedishen will be necessary. May I hope that my 
scientiffik attainments are suffishently well known 
to yoo to recommend me as a proper person to head 
the expedishen ? May I ? 

" I hev the honor to be," et settry. 

The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He 
wuz full uv the old fogy idea that it wuz rather 
chilly there than otherwise. He hedn't faith in the 
Isothermal Line, and wuz skepticle about the Gulf 
Stream. It wuz his experience that the further 
North yoo got the colder it wuz. For instance, he 



The Russian Purchase. 127 

remarkt, that while the people wuz warm toward 
him in Virginny and Maryland, last fall, they be- 
came very cold ez he got North. Wher wuz the 
Isothermal Line and the Gulf Stream then? 

Randall, who will hev his joke, remarkt that the 
isothermal line twisted. He notist that the people 
made it ez hot for em ez he wantid it ez. fur North 
ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary Welles replied, that 
it only confirmed him in the opinion that for platin 
vessels uv war, iron wuz preferable to pine plank 
any time. 

Seward removed the President's objections to- 
wunst. He read his letters, wich set forth the 
beauties and advantages uv the country tvv'ict over. 
Here wuz whales, and walrusses, and seals, and 
white bears, and pine-apples, and wheat, and sea- 
lions, and fields uv ice the year round, in a climit 
ez mild and equable ez the meridian uv Washinton. 
The isothermal line wuz more accommodatin ther 
than in any other part uv the world. It cork- 
screwed through the territory so ez to grow fine 
peaches for exportation to the States, and ice to the 
Sandwich Islands, side by side. He drawd a picter 
uv the white bear a rushin over the line, and dis- 
portin hisself in fields uv green peas ! Imagine, he 
remarked, the delicacy uv Polar bear meat fattened 



128 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

on strawberries ; think uv the condishn the sea- 
lions must be in which leave their watery lairs to 
feed on turnips wich grow above the 6oth parallel ; 
think uv — 

" It won't do," sed the President. 

" Think uv," retortid the Sekretary, with a quick- 
nis uv intellek remarkable, " think uv gettin rid 
uv the Blairs forevei' I " 

"Will the Ablishn Senit ratify the treaty?" askt 
Johnson, eagerly. 

" I converst with many on the subjick, and they 
sed ef we cood promise that the Blairs would ac- 
cept posishens ther, they wood do it cheerfly. For 
sich a purpose, sed one uv em to me, $7,000,000 is 
a mere bagatelle." 

" I'll do it," sed Johnson. " I agree with the Sen- 
ators for once. Rather then hev it fail, I'd pay it 
out uv Mrs. Cobb's share in our jint spekelashens. 
Freedom from the Blair family ! Good Hevings ! 
kin one man be so blest? Is ther sich in store for 
me? $7,000,000! Pish!" 

My opinyun being askt, I give it. Ez hefty ez 
the vencher is from a commershl stan-pint, in a 
politikle pint uv view, the advantagis will be still 
heftier. The Rooshn territory will finally be the 
chosen home uv the Dimocrisy. Ther is already 



The Russian Purchase. 129 

a populashen there adaptid to us, who kin be ma- 
nipulated without trouble, and the climit is favor- 
able to a strickly Democratic populashen. The 
trouble with us here is that the amount Uv likker 
necessary to the manufakter uv a Democrat kills 
him afore he hez a opportoonity uv* votin many 
times, wich keeps us in a perpetooal minority. 
Our strength is, for climatic reasons, our weaknis. 
Far diffrent is it in Roosha. Ther the happy 
native may drink his quart per day — the bracin 
atmosphere makin it abslootly nessary for him, 
Ther is the troo Democratic paradise. How offen 
hev I sighed for sich a country. Then, again, ther 
are posishens uv profit. The delegates to Con- 
griss will, ef I hev figgered it rightly, draw about 
$15,000 per session, mileage, wich is $30,000 per 
year, $60,000 per term. He cood afford to serve 
without the paltry $5,000, wich wood be cheep 
legislatin, indeed. 

And so it wuz agreed upon, and the treaty wuz 
made by telegraph at a expense uv — I forgit egg- 
sackly — but I think it wuz summers in the neigh- 
borhood uv $20,000. Before it wuz finely con- 
clooded, some other little incidentals wuz inclooded 
by the Zar, wich run the price up to $10,200,000, 
but that wuz nothin for us. Seward went at his 

9 



I3Q Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

work with great energy. The Purchis wuz divided 
up into six territories (for the number uv dele- 
gates to our convenshuns wuz large, and they all 
hed to be provided for), wich wuz named, respec- 
tively, Johnson, Seward, Cowan, Doolittle, Randall, 
and Welles. For the one in the extreme North, tlie 
furthest oft', Frank Blair wuz appinted Governor ; 
for the next, Montgomery ; and the next, the old 
man, and the other three wuz held in reserve for 
the pure but unfortunate patriots wich might be 
hereafter rejected for the Austrian mishun. A list 
wuz prokoored uv the delegates to our various con- 
venshuns, and them ez hed bin martyred by the 
Senit ; ther names wuz put into a wheel ez at Gift 
Enterprises, and the Judgeships, Marshalships, 
Clerkships, et settry, wuz drawd by lot. This ijee 
was sejested by Postmaster-General Randall, ez 
bein the easiest way of doin it. He statid that the 
appintments from his department hed alluz bin 
made in this manner, ez it saved time in eggsaminin 
petitions, cirtifikets uv fitnis, and sfch. In this way, 
about ez near ez I kin estimate, two per cent, uv 
those claimin posishens at our hands hev bin pro- 
vided for. 

The idea is capable uv unlimited extension. The 
Administration feelin the rcleef it hez gin em, are 



The Russian Purchase. 131 

already negotiatin for the British Provinces. This 
territory kin, by makin uv em a little smaller, be 
divided up into — say, forty — which, by makin a 
fevs^ more offises for each, and bein libral v^ith 
explorin expedishuns and sich, will be sufficient to 
give places to all who really have claims upon us 
and who are pushin us. 

The President breathes easier, and the Secretary 
is placid ez a Summer mornin. He hez cut the 
Gordian knot ; he hez releeved hisself uv the boa 
constrickter wich wuz crushin him in its folds. 
Happiness pervades the White House. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster), and likewise Professor uv 
Biblikle Politicks in the Southern Classikle 
& Military Institoot. 



132 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XVI. 



The Radical Change. — A slight Altei'ation in 
the Name and Policy of Mr. Nasby's " Insti- 
toot:' 






Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
April 22, 1867. 

TIMES changes, and men change jist ez fast ez 
times. I should like to see the times wich 
kin change faster than I kin ; but this last shift I 
hev bin forced to make, ruther took my breth. It 
wuz sudden. The Connecticut eleckshun didn't do 
us much good after all. We felt well over it for 
perhaps a day ; but ez we begun to git other indi- 
cashens from the North, we didn't jist see how that 
little spirt wuz agoin to help us. Cincinnati went 
Ablishin stronger than ever. Chicago ditto ; and 
most everywhere the Dimocratic rooster wuz flat- 
tened. The cabinet, when they heerd uv Deekin 
Pogram's assault upon the nigger, on the receet uv 
the intelliojence uv the election news, notified me 



The Radical Change. 133 

officially that a repetishen uv sich loonacy wood be 
equivalent to a reseet uv my resignation, even tho 
the post offis shood be discontinyood. " The nig- 
ger vote must he capchered. Ifs essenshel. Wade 
Hampton sez so" wrote Randall to me, and I repri- 
manded the Deekin for his recklessniss, and bor- 
rowed four dollars uv Bascom, who is the only man 
in the vicinity who hez any ready money, to make 
it all right with him. 

We held a meetin uv the Drecktors and Faculty 
uv the Southern Military and Classicle Institoot last 
evening, to decide wat course that instooshn wuz to 
take in the grate work uv surroundin the Ethiopian 
and attachin uv him to us. In sich a time ez this, 
ez I menshend to Captain McPelter, it won't do for 
our institooshuns uv learning to stand back. These 
great levers, the molders uv public opinion, must 
be ez progressive ez the progressiveist, and must 
change like other things to meet the requirements 
uv the times. We hev commenst our march inta 
Africa, and thus far hev we gone into the bowels 
uv the land without impediment, to speak uv — let 
us persevere. Let us capcher the Ethiopian, stink 
and all. 

The meetin wuz held in the back room uv Bas- 
com's, owing to the fact that it wuz rainin, and the 



134 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

roof uv the Post Offis leaks. I hed an appropriashn 
some time since from the Department for repairs ; 
but bein in doubt whether it wuz intended for re- 
pairs on the Post Offis or the Postmaster, I gave 
the prizner the benefit uv the doubt, and got a new 
pair uv boots. I cood better endoor the sHte incon- 
venience uv occasional rain than to go barefoot. 

I made a statement uv the case, and sejisted a 
radical change in the Institoot. Captain McPelter 
agreed with me. He felt that ther hedn't bin that 
complete, hearty recognition uv our Afrikan breth- 
ren as there ought to be. He had on several occa- 
sions allowed his nateral vivacity to git the better 
of his proodence, and hed waded into em alarm in. 
The old ijee of Ham and Hagar and Onesimus hed 
bin so drilled into him in his yooth, that he hed to 
wrestle with it to keep it in control, and in spite uv 
himself it often got the better uv him. He sejisted 
that the name uv the Institoot be changed from 
. " The Southern Military and Classikle Institoot," 
to " The Ham and Japheth Free Academy for the 
Development uv the Intellek uv all Races, irrespectiv 
uv Color." 

That he thought would anser the required end. 
The colored men who choose to avail theirselves of 
the priviligis afforded by this institooshn, when it is 



The Radical Change. * 135 

finished, kin find in this no cause uv complaint. 
They are recognized. They are given the prece- 
dence. They stand first in the matter and foremost. 
Wat more kin they ask? 

Bascom hed a series uv resolooshuns wich he 
desired to present. He sed it mite be looked upon 
ez strange that he shood favor the concentrashun 
uv free niggers at the Corners, but he hed good and 
suffishent reasons. First, he hed faith that constant 
contact with the Board wood bring em to the pint 
uv patronizin his bar ; but ef it didn't, he knowd 
perfectly well that the Board and Fakulty wood 
manage to git all they hed, for board and tooition, 
wich he was perfectly certin he'd git in the end. 
Wat he wanted wuz people here : to yoose an 
illustration borrered from his biznis, the offishels uv 
this Institoot wuz the funnel through wich the 
wealth uv all uv em wood be conducted to his cof- 
fers. I fell onto his neck in rapcher, and then 
vowed that I wuz willin to die for his good — that 
I cared not how much uv other people's money run 
through me to him ef 'twas thus dilooted. The 
resolooshens presented read ez follows : — 

" Resolved^ That the name uv the Southern Mili- 
tary and Classikle Institoot be changed to ' The Ham 



136 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

and Japheth Free Academy, for the Development uv 
the Intelleck uv all Races, irrespective uv Color/ 

" Resolved^ That in makin this change, we, the 
Board uv Directors, do so, assertin, 

" I. That in this emergency we are justified in 
doubtin whether Noer got tite at all, the statement 
in the Skripters to that effect bein ondoubtedly an 
error uv the translators. 

" 2. That ef he did git tite, he didn't cuss Ham 
at all. 

"3. That ef he did cuss Ham, the cuss wuzn't 
intended to extend beyond Canaan at the furthest, 
and hence his descendants go scot free. 

"4. That ef the cuss wuz really and trooly in- 
tended to attach to all uv Ham's descendents, irre- 
spective uv color, to the end uv time, it ain't uv no 
effeck in Kentucky, ez that State hez alius run irre- 
spective uv any code, 'ceptin sich ez hez bin adopted 
by her Legislacher. 

" 5. That the theory that the nigger, irrespective 
uv color, is a beast, is a deloosion, a snare, which 
we hev alluz practically held, no matter what we 
may, for effect, hev sed, ez the number uv mulattoes, 
to say nothin uv them still farther bleached in Ken- 
tucky, abundantly proves. 

" 6. That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv color, is 



The Radical Change. 137 

trooly a man and a brother ; and the female Ethi- 
opian, also irrespective uv color, trooly a woman 
and a sister. 

" Resolved^ That this Institoot, whose name is 
now so happily changed, shel be conducted upon 
the principles uv strict ekality, irrespective uv color. 

" Resolved^ That when we reflect that the bloated 
aristocracy uv England interdoost, and the early 
settlers of Massachoosets sankshund, slavery on this 
continent, forcin it really onto us, we bile with 
indignashun towards em, and kin hardly restrane 
ourselves. 

''''Resolved^ That at the tables, in the choice uv 
rooms, and in all matters where there is a choice, 
the African man and brother, irrespective uv color, 
shel hev the precedence. 

'•^ Resolved^ That Oberlin College, by not givin 
the sons uv Ham, irrespective uv color, the prece- 
dence, shows clearly that it is actooated by narrer- 
minded prejudice, wich desei'ves the reprobashen uv 
every lover uv his kind. 

" Resolved^ That the Ethiopian, irrespective uv 
color, kin change his skin, and that his oder, ef he 
hez any, is rather pleasant than otherwise. 

" Resolved^ That we look with loathing upon the 
States North, wich, alluz professin friendship for 



138 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

the noble black man uv the cotton fields, refooze to 
take him to their buzzums, irrespective uv color. 

" Resolved^ That ef Massachoosits and Vermont, 
and Northern Illinois, and the Western Reserve in 
Ohio, are honest in their professions uv love for the 
negro, they will come down with donashuns to assist 
in the completion uv the Academy." 

Deekin Pogram didn't know about all this. He 
hed bin edikated in Ham and Hager, and wuz a 
bleever in Onesimus. He doubted. Sposen after 
all this concession the nigger shood play off onto 
us? Sposen he shoodent vote with us after all, but 
cling to his Northern friends? Or spose he shood 
vote with us, and we shood, thro his vote, git con- 
trol, wat then? How cood we redoose em to ther 
normal condition agin after all this palavrin? 

Bascom replied that he wuz surprised at the Dee- 
kin's obtoosnis. First, ef they did vote with the 
Ablishnists, we wuz no worse off, ez that wuz wat 
they proposed to do any how. Ef, on the other 
hand, they "didn't, what then? The trouble with 
em now is, they know too much. " Let em," sed 
Bascom, warmin up, " let em associate with us a 
year, let em vote with us, et cettry, and in twelve 
months they're precisely fitted agin to be servance 



The Radical Change. 139 

unto their brethren. Look," sed he, " at the North- 
ern Dimocrasy, and see to what we may hope to 
bring these men in time." 

But little more bizness wuz transacted. Beverly 
Nash, of South Caroliny, was unanimously called 
to a Professorship ; and a young gentleman uv 
color, who, from his strong resemblance to Elder 
Gavitt, ought to hev biznis capacity, wuz unani- 
mously elected a member of the Board. The yoon- 
yun is perfect. Ham and Japheth hev shaken hands, 
and are embracin each other. 

May prosperity attend the nupchels, and may the 
isshoo be fortunate. I hev got over the disgust 
attendant upon the fust chill, and am consekently 
feelin well. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intelleck uv all Races, irrespective 
of Color. 



140 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XVII. 

Mr, Nasby Preaches a Sermon on Universal 
Brotherhood^ the Effect of which is destroyed 
by Northern Democratic Papers. — He remon" 
strates. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait 



DRiT X Roads \ 
lit uv Kentucky), > 
April 25, 1867. ) 



WE are in continyooal trouble down here with 
these cussid niggers. They are harder to 
manage than pigs. Pigs don't express ther pecool- 
yarities. Mules come nearer. Ther is sich a method 
in their obstinacy — sich a wilful cussidnis, that I 
reely hev made up my mind that I don't understand 
em at all. They cuddle up to us ez kind ez a 
bloomin maiden does to her first adored, and they 
fling us just ez natral ez that same guileless maiden 
does when number two heaves in site. They be- 
have well for a season, aperrently for no other pur- 
pose than to enjoy our discomfiture when they 
finally throw us. I hev bin a gittin a suspishen 



Sermon on Universal Brotherhood. 141 

thro me that they ain't half ez stoopid ez they look ; 
and that, after all, we are not fur from the trooth 
when we say, in our resolooshens, that they are the 
ekals uv the whites. Why shoodn't they be ? Ah ! 
why, indeed? Why shoodent the nigger boy, wich 
is now crossin the street, wich hez Deekin Pogram's 
feechers ez like ez a photograft', hev ez much sense 
ez the Deekin? I hev egsamined into the pedi- 
gree uv that nigger, and I find that his mother hed 
the hawtiest and best blood uv Virginny coursin 
toomulchusly thro her veins — and that stock the 
Pogram mix coodent materially depreciate in one 
genera shen. 

I hed the niggers uv the X Roads very hand- 
somely in tow up to yisterday. I hed em attendin 
services last Sunday at the meetin-house, and by 
private arrangement hed em seated miscellaneously 
among the awjence. Dekin Pogram hed a wench, 
wich weighed at least 250 pounds averdupoise, 
atween him and his wife, while four other niggers 
ornamentid his pew. Bascom, with alacrity, con- 
sented to three ; and Elder Gavitt provided seats 
for four. It wuz a pleasant site ! White and black 
wuz alternatid like the spots on a checker-board — 
niggers and whites wuz spread out together like 
the fat and lean in pork ; and ez I seed it I cood 



142 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

hardly restrane my emoshuns. There before me 
wuz the regenerashun uv the Democratic party — 
there wuz wat wuz to bring us out uv the valley 
and shadder uv death into wich we hed fallen, up 
on the high ground uv offishel life. I preached 
that memrable day from two texts, to wit : " Uv one 
blood did he make all the nashens uv the earth," 
and " All ye are brethren ; " and I orated a movin 
discourse. I demonstrated with great fervor the 
loonacy uv the idea that the Almighty wood take 
the trouble to create two or more races when one 
wood do ez well — wich idea is alluz well receeved 
in this region. All men form their idea uv the 
Deity somewhat from themselves ; and I never 
knowd a Confedrit Cross Roader to make two 
things when one wood anser. I refuted the theory, 
advanced by some writers, that there wuz more 
than one head to the race, by quotin the texts wich 
treated uv the creashen uv Adam and Eve, and 
demolished the Ham doctrine at site. " Ef," sed 
I, " Noer did cuss Ham, and condemn Canaan to 
be a servant unto his brethren, how do we know 
that our colored brethren and sistren 25 the desend- 
ants uv Ham and Canaan ? It may be us for all we 
know! Is it his color? Is not black jest ez con- 
venient a color ez white ? " 



Sermon on Universal Brotherhood. 143 

" More so," murmured Mrs. Pogram, half asleep, 
" more so — it don't show dirt." 

"Is it his shape? O, my brethren, I ain't a 
handsome man, nor wood I exactly anser for a 
model for Apoller. Ef beauty, or comeliness, or 
shape, or style, is to decide the pint, may the Lord 
help us ! Is it his smell ? My brethren, the New 
York World asserts that the nigger hain't no smell, 
and ef he hez, why shoodent he hev? Standin 
under the common flag uv our country, with his 
hand upon that magna charta, the Deklarashen, and 
his beamin eye turned exultinly toward our nashnel 
emblem, the eagle, shall not our Afrikin brother be 
allowed to smell jist ez he chooses? Ef smell must 
be uniform, then let our Government establish a 
Burow uv Perfoomery to-wunst. Besides, I take 
high religious grounds in this matter. Ef he hez 
a natural odor, the Lord give it to him. Let us 
not fly in the face uv the Lord by condemin it. 
Judge not, lest we be judged. The odor uv the 
colored gentleman or lady is the work uv the Lord 
— the odor uv yoor unwashed feet is yoor own — 
wich shood stand the highest? 

" My brethren and sistren, I acknowledge that I 
hev not long held these views. I hev showed the 
common prejudis, and hev contemned our friends 



144 Ekkoes from Kentucky 

uv color ; I hev despitefully used 'em ; I hev gone 
for 'em, and banged 'em like old boots. But it wuz 
becoz I didn't know 'em. I didn't see the kernel 
of meat under the rough shell : I didn't recognize 
the glitrin diamond in the ebony coal. My eyes 
hev bin opened. Like Saul of Tarsus, I see a lite. 
Sence the passage uv the Military Bill I hev diskiv- 
ered many things too tejus to menshun. I hev 
mostly found out all these things sence that occur- 
rence. But let us accept the situashen, and bless 
the Lord that it hez resultid in developin excellen- 
ces where we didn't expect to find 'em." 

There wuz an affectin scene after service wuz 
over. Deekin Pogram, Captain McPelter, and Elder 
Gavitt shook hands with em with a degree uv cor- 
jality I didn't expect. Trooly, them are great men. 
They develop a degree uv adaptability to circum- 
stances wich I didn't look for. I really bleeve if 
I'd a told em that it wood hev a good effeck to 
kiss the nigger babies all round, that they'd a done 
it. But I spared em this. There is such a thing 
ez laying it on too thick. 

But all this wuz spiled the next day. There wuz 
an eggstraordinarily heavy mail that day. In addi- 
tion to the paper wich Pollock, the Illinois storekeeper, 



Sermon on Universal Brotherhood. 145 

takes, ther wuz eight others ; and to my surprise 
they wuz all directed to niggers. "Wat is this?" 
thot I to myself. " Hev the Ablishnists uv the 
North determined upon proselytin these men, and 
are they goin to flood this country with their in- 
cendiary readin? Ez a Federal officer it's my dooty 
to look into the matter ! '* Jist imagine my delir- 
ious joy at findin that they wuz Democratic papers 
from Noo York and Ohio ! " Thank Heaven ! " 
sed I, " our people hev awakened to a sense uv the 
necessity uv doin suthin ; " and I handed the papers 
out to em with impressive words, exhortin uv em 
to read em, ez they wuz trooth, and nothin but the 
trooth. 

I ruther think they read em, for from that time 
out they avoided me ez though I hed the plague. 
Ef I wuz a goin down the street, and one uv em 
wuz a comin up, he'd cross the street; and the 
pecoolyer expression uv his countenance indicatid 
that it wuzn't my majestick presence wich awd him. 
They hed loathin depicted on their classick feechers. 
Unable to endoor this, I seezed one uv em, and 
asked why I w^uz treated thus? 

Delibritly he pulled out uv his pockit one uv them 
cussid Northern papers, and openin it, pintid indig- 
10 



146 . Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

nantly to a editorial article. It wuz perfoosely 
headed in this wise : — 

Shel niggers vote? — Shel the prowd Cauca- 
shen be redoost to a ekality with the disgustin 
Afrikin ? — Is this a white man's government or 
not? — Ameriky for white men ! 

Sed this Ethiopian, with his fingers on this 
headin, " 'Pears like ez ef dah wuzn't jist dat good 
feelin towards us colored men on de part ob de 
Dimoc'sy ob the Norf dat dah ought to be. 'Pears 
like as dough up dah wha de niggah ain't got no 
vote, dat dey don't intend he shel hab it. 'Pears 
like, ef Dimoc'sy's one ting all ober de countr}', 
dar's a cussid site ob humbug a goin on down 
heah ! " 

Wat cood I say ? Wat cood I do ? There it wuz 
in black and white ; and from papers whose Dimoc- 
risy could not be questioned. I wuz dumbfoundid. 
The nigger stalked hawtily and proudly away in 
one direckshen, while I sneaked ofFruther sneakinly 
in another. 

I hev one word to say to our brethren in the 
North. Yoo'r doublin our troubles, and makin our 



Sermon on Universal Brotherhood. 147 

burdens harder to bear. Why can't yoo understand 
common sense? Wat hurt wood nigger suffrage do 
yoo up there wher ther ain't no niggers, and how 
much wood it benefit us down here wher ther's 
milHons uv em? Can't yoo see it? We can't play 
the same game on the niggers that we used to play 
on the sturdy yeomanry uv Berks County, Pennsyl- 
vany, and other localities. On all questions hereto- 
fore the Dimocrisy hez allowed a liberal license. We 
hev bin Free Trade in Noo York and Tariff in 
Pennsylvany the same year, and we cood do it. Sich 
Dimocrats didn't git ther asshoorences from papers, 
owin to their inability to perooze em rapidly, it bein 
so long afore they got a word spelled out that they 
forgot the one precedin it, wich destroyed the con- 
nection, the continuity uv the narrative, ef I may 
so speak, and wat we told em wuz gospel. That 
won't do with the nigger down here. He reads, he 
does ; and ef he don't, ther's alluz everywhere some 
sich sneakin cuss ez Pollock, wh® reads for him, 
and they know wat they know jist ez well ez any- 
body. Let em stop hammerin the nigger. It won't 
do. Ef he's to be a man and a brother here, he 
must be a man and a brother there. Ef the Dimoc- 
risy must hev a race to look down on, let em turn 



148 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

their attenshun to the Chinese or the Injuns, but 
from this time out the nigger is sacred. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv 
of Color. 



Death of Elder Gavitt. 149 



XVIII. 



The Decease of Elder Gavitt, — Mr, Nasby an- 
nounces the Death 0/ his Friend and mourns. 
— A touching Obituary. 






Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
"^Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
May 2, 1867. 

A ELITE hez fallen o*er my soul. My eyes, 
albeit unused to the meltin mood, hev dis- 
tilled nothin but tears for twelve hours. A Filler 
hez fallen ! In the meetin-house there is a vacant 
pew, and a chair at Bascom's is without a setter. 
Last nite, at precisely nine P.M., Elder Abimileck 
Gavitt departed this life, aged 63 years and some 
odd months. 

I weep ez I write. The Elder wuz snuffl out jest 
ez the flowers uv spring wuz cumin — jest ez the 
weather wuz a gittin warm enough to go barefooted 
— jest when it wuzn't nessary to bother about get- 
ting fire-wood, or be concerned about feedin the stock 
— jest when it begins to be comfortable a settin 



150 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

onto the grocery stoop — -jest at the threshhold uv 
six months' enjoyment. Why wuz he taken ? Ekko 
ansers. The ways uv Providence is inskrootable. 

Elder Gavitt wuz a native uv North KarHny, 
wich State he left in the blush uv early manhood, 
list after he wuz married. Wat he left North Kar- 
liny for, I never wuz able to assertane percisely ; 
but I hev understood that it wuz suthin in connec- 
tion with a smoke-house, and the hams wich did 
hang therein. He wuz in a Whig naberhood — 
his naber, the proprietor of the smoke-house, wuz 
a Whig — ther wuz sum hams mist — the rinds wuz 
found in his possession — Whig intolerance and per- 
sekooshen. Upon sich slite evidence he wuz ad- 
judged guilty of theft, and wuz ignominiously rid 
on a rale, and ordered to leave the country in 
twenty-four hours, wich he did, driftin nat'rally to 
Kentucky. Thank Heaven for sich outrages ! But 
for sich, Kentucky wood hev bin a Republican 
State, or wood hev remained unsettled to this day. 

Elder Gavitt wuz alliiz a Democrat uv the strict- 
est sect. He voted for Jackson, and reglerly for 
every Democratic candidate sence. He didn't read 
very much ; indeed, ef I remember right, he cood- 
ent do it at all, and wuz, consekently, stedfast in the 
faith. He wuzn't shook about, and driven hither 



Death of Elder Gavitt. 151 

and yon by every wind, but remained thro life fast 
in the groove into wich he hed bin origenelly sot. 
His pohtikle creed wuz made up uv this one idee, 
to wit : Hatrid uv Noo England. He hatid Noo 
England becoz Noo England hatid whiskey, wich 
he coodent git along without, and slavery, uv wich 
he hed a hundred niggers. He votid agin Noo 
England all his life reglerly, and ez many times on 
each eleckshen day ez he cood without risk. 

My acquaintance with the deceest commenst about 
three years ago. It wuz at his house I stopt on my 
advent into these parts. Ther wuz no need uv 
formel introduckshens — ther wuz already a bond 
atween us wich knit our souls together. His eye, 
ez it lit onto my nose, lighted up with a smile ; and 
ez I gazed on hizzen, I felt that he wuz indeed a 
man and a brother. He took me in — he sheltered 
me — he gave me whereof to eat and to drink and 
to make merry, and with him I tarried till I wuz 
regleriy installed ez pastor uv the Church, and 
thereby reglerly pervided for. 

The cause uv the Elder's death wuz a broken 
heart. He wuz a ardent Confedrit, and manfully 
bore up under the reverses of the war. His cour- 
age wuz unshaken doorin the repeated successes uv 
the Federal armies ; and even when emancipation 



153 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

deprived him uv his slaves, he still hed faith that, 
evenchooally, all wood be well. " We may be 
beeten now," wuz his constant remark, " but the 
Northern Dimocrisy are all right, and thro them 
we'll yet conker ! " Confidin in em, bleevin in em, 
he held out brave up to the passage uv the Military 
Reconstruckshen Bill. 

I then saw a change steel insensibly over my 
venerable friend. His head bowed with supprest 
grief — his bosom throbbd with the emoshen that 
wuz strugglin for uttrance. He wood come over to 
my oflfis five or six times a day, and ask me to read 
him that passage uv the law givin the nigger the 
ballot. I wood do it, when, without sayin a word, 
he wood reel off, with tears flowin down his wasted 
cheeks, to Bascom's. I wood foUer him, to see that 
no harm came to him. The old man wuz so bro- 
ken that he'd pay for his own likker and mine too, 
without noticin. Fearin to awaken unpleasant emo- 
shens in his mind, I never menshend the latter cir- 
cumstance. 

Things grew worse with him. When Mr. Ran- 
dall wrote me to consiliate the niggers ez Wade 
Hampton wuz a doin it, the old father in Democ- 
risy obeyed without a murmur. Democrisy wuz 
his first idea, and he obeyed her behests, tho 'twuz 



Death of Elder Gavitt. 153 

consoomin his very sole. He shook hands with 
niggers at my rekest, tho the touch wuz ez red hot 
iron ; he took two of em into his pew, tho his 
promoxity to em set him a shakin Hke the ager ; 
and he votid to change the name and objects uv 
the Institoot, tho the convulsive workins uv his 
face showd wat the struggle cost him. 

Day by day the Elder faded. The iron entered 
his sole, and it wuz corrodin ! corrodin ! corrodin ! 
and eatin him up by degrees. He walked the 
streets listlessly, his eyes suffoosed with teers, and 
his lips movin ez ef mutterin suthin to hisself. I 
become concerned for him, and so did the entire 
cirkle. Bascom figgered up his akkount at his bar, 
and went to the records to see whether his farm 
wuz unencumbered, and sich uv the neighbors ez 
hed lent him small sums sot about gittin em. 

Last Sunday the pitcher went to the well for the 
last time. I hed four niggers in his pew, upon 
whom he looked vacantly, but sed nothin. After 
servis, I stopped him. " Elder," sez I, in a whis- 
per, " it wood hev a good effeck ef yoo cood kiss 
them little nigger girls." 

" Parson ! " sed he, tremblin like a leaf, " is it 
abslootely necessary ? " 

*' It is," sez I firmly, " a dooty evry Dimokrat 



154 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

owes to his party, in this crisis, to kiss ez many 
nigger children ez possible." 

A strange expression lit up the old man's coun- 
tenance. In a frenzied manner he kissed all there 
wuz in the church, and, ez ef insane, commenst on 
the adult femails uv that persuasion. With diffi- 
culty we restrained him ; but breakin loose from us, 
he startid down the street, a running down and kissin 
every nigger child his eyes restid on. Finally he 
sunk to the erth eggsaustid, and we bore him to his 
house and put him to bed. From that bed he never 
ariz. He wuz a goner. We hed to give him his 
likker in a spoon, and I never knowed a Kentuck- 
ian to recover who wuz past drinkin out uv a 
bottle. 

Slow^ly his strength wasted. Yesterday he ral- 
lied and asked for me, ez the candle uv life flickered 
feebly in the socket. 

*' Perfesser ! " sed he, with an effort, "is Ken- 
tucky to rool the niggers, or the niggers to rool 
Kentucky? Has the Dimocrisy swallered the nig- 
ger, or the nigger swallered the Dimocrisy?" 

And all wuz o'er ! He fell back a piece uv clay, 
wich never cood rally to the poles agin. 

Bascom and I turned aside and wept. Sed Bas- 
com, " Hed he lived two years more I wood hev 
hed his farm." 



Death of Elder Gavitt. 155 

" Not any," sed I, bustin into teers. " I wood 
hev hed it to endow the Institoot." 

" In that event it wood evenchooally hev bin 
mine," gasped Bascom, relapsin into a fresh spasm 
uv grief. 

We buried liim yesterday. It wuz the biggest 
funeral ever knowd at the Corners. It was a 
tetchin site. Standin around his bier, wuz his four 
children by his first wife, and his six children by 
his second wife, and twelve or fifteen other children 
uv all colors, from that uv a new saddle up to dark 
molasses, who insisted upon bein counted in ez 
mourners. It wuz the tightest place I wuz ever 
in in my life. 

• *' My friends," sed I to em, " is this seemly? Is 
this proper?" 

They replied that it Wuz. " I mourn a father," 
sed one ; " not much uv a father, but he wuz the 
only one I ever hed." " I mourn a husband," sed 
the mother uv the first speaker, " not legally a hus- 
band, but morally, or rather, immorally." " We 
weep," sed all these various shades in korus, and 
they bustid out into a torrent uv greef wich com- 
pletely extinguished them on the tother side uv the 
grave, wich hed the legle rite to mourn. 

Ez a matter uv coarse, it ended in a row. Issa- 



156 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ker Gavitt swore that no cussid bleached niggers 
shood shed teers at his father's funeral ; and 
Amandy flew at a quadroon wich wuz cryin too 
prominently, and Mrs. Gavitt attacked the quad- 
roon's mother who w^uz displayin altogether too 
much white pockit hankercher. In the melee I 
left, satisfied that Democrisy hez altogether too 
many rough pints to git over pleasant. 

I feel it my dooty to erect a monument to the 
memory uv this good and true man — this martyr 
to Democrisy. Demokrats, feelin an interest in the 
matter, and wishin to contribute to the work, may 
send by mail sich donashens ez they see fit, to me, 
with perfect confidence that they will be yoosed. 
Let em remember that but for his devoshen to the 
coz he wood hev bin livin to-day. Ef we cannot 
do much for the livin, let us not forgit the dead. 
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv 
of Color. 



Jeff Davis in Richmond. 157 



XIX. 

Triumphal Progress of J, Davis from Fortress 
Monroe to Richmond, 

The " Spottswood," Richmond, Va., ") 
May 13, 1867. ) 

IN castin a retrospective glance backerd over the 
pathway uv the past, I khi see many mistakes 
wich I hev made. I hevn't alluz made the most uv 
opportoonities — I hev doubtid when doubtin wuz 
a crime, and I hev stood shivrin on the brink and 
feared to lanch away, when on the tother side uv 
the Jordan wuz pelf and profit. Our foresite isn't 
alluz ez good ez our hind-site. 'The great error uv 
my life wuz in not plungin headlong into the war 
ez a Confedrit Major-General, distinguishin myself 
for crooelty to Fedral prizners, and bein, at the 
close uv the fratrisidle struggle, reseeved and em- 
braced ez a long-lost brother by the Northern peo- 
ple (lettin em kill fattid calves for me), and uv 
coorse bein the objeck uv sympathy ez a marter by 
the Southern people. In this sitooashen a man hez 



158 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

two strings to his bow. He brings to his support 
the two extremes. He fetches together Horris 
Greely from the one side, and General Boregard 
from the t'other — they embrace, and standin onto 
both their sholders, he hez wat may be called a soft 
thing uv it. 

I wuz led into these train uv reflections by the 
experience I hev hed with our sainted cheef, Jeffer- 
son Davis. I wuz sent hither by the President to 
see that everythin wuz done for the comfort uv the 
illustrious man that cood be done, on the occasion 
uv his contemplatid trip to Richmond. Partikelerly 
I wuz charged to see that everything calkelatid to 
jar onto his sensitive feelins be removed — every- 
thin wich cood wound his sense uv hearin, seein, 
or smellin. 

The grate man had consentid to go. He hed 
bin, he felt, illegally deprived uv liberty — uncon- 
stooshnelly in fact — and ef he shood consult his 
own feelings he wood remane ; but to forgive wuz 
divine. Viewin these perceedins in the lite uv an 
apology, he wood go. 

The day hed arrived. The steamer wuz at the 
Fortress carefully prepared to receive its illustrious 
burden. It hed been thoroughly cleaned and fumi- 
gated, the cabins hed bin nooly furnisht, and speshel 



Jeff Davis in Richmond. 159 

alterashens made for the President and party. Ther 
wuz Yoonited States officers and soljers aboard ; 
but out of respcck for the feelins uv their illustrious 
" prizner," ez he is technically called, they kept 
theirselves carefully out of his site, that the color 
uv their uniforms might not awaken onpleasant 
refleckshens. So perfeck, indeed, wuz the arrange- 
ments, that the railin uv the boat, which wuz origi- 
nelly bloo, wuz kivered with gray cloth, and the 
eagle figger-head uv the craft wuz sawed off. This 
wuz sejested by a eminent Co4:iservative uv Noo 
York, who hez a large Southern trade wich he 
didn't prejoodis by his course doorin the war. The 
ladies' cabin wuz originelly assigned to the party ; 
but a female passenger hed no more regard for the 
comfort uv the marter than to die on the passage, 
an they were deprived uv it. The Consei-vative 
merchant insisted that the corpse be chucked over- 
board ; but Mr. Davis, with a magnanimity wich 
wuz alluz characteristic uv him, refoozed. " No," 
said he, " let her rest there. I kin endoor the 
inconvenience, severe as it is. It is but one more 
attempt to break my sperit." 

All the way up there wuz the most tetchin def- 
erence shown him. At every landin the people 
were assembled to greet him, wich he acknowl- 



i6o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

edged with a condesenshen I never saw off the 
stage. He conversed but little on the passage up. 
Ez the boat was a sweepin majestically past pints 
made historicle by the events uv the great struggle, 
his eye wood brighten, ef they wuz sich pints ez a 
Confedrit cood take pride in, and dim with teers ef 
they w^uz pints at wich ther had bin reverses. 

The most considrit preparashens hed bin made for 
his resepshen. Ther wuz no irons onto him : the 
only guards in site wuz them wich wuz detailed to 
keep the crowd from annoyin him, and a carriage 
wuz in readiness, into wich we seated ourselves, and 
wuz driven off at a dignified pace to that resort uv 
the aristocracy uv Virginny — the Spottswood. 
Here, more considerashen wuz shown. Mr. Davis 
being averse to walkin up stairs, a suite uv rooms 
hed bin prepared for him on the fust floor, and the 
presence uv General Burton, uv the Federal army, 
bein obnoxshus, he wuz assigned by the Ex-President 
a room at the further end uv the corridor. His 
nerves bein very sensitive, heavy mattin wuz laid 
down in all the halls, and the servants uv the house 
wuz especially directed to wear list slippers, and to 
walk on their tip toes. 

I wuz invited to his room, and wuz favored with a 
few minutes' conversashen with the first of Ameri- 



Jeff Davis in Richmond. i6i 

kens. Glancin out uv the winder, his fine, soft, gray- 
eyes restid on the roof uv Libby. " Lies ! Hes ! " sed 
he, angrily. 

" Wat speshel Hes hev yoo reference to?" askt I. 

" Them wich wuz pubHsht in the scurrillous re- 
ports uv the Committees uv a unconstooshnel Con- 
gris regardin the treatment uv prizners in Libby. 
They asserted that the officers died becoz they hed 
but ten feet by two for sleepin, washin, cookin, and 
eatin. They hed that space, and wat more wuz ne- 
cessary ? Why give 'em room to cook when they 
hedn't anythin to cook? Wherefore room to eat ef 
they hedn't anythin to eat? No, its false. It wuzn't 
tlie crowdin that perdoost the mortality." 

Only wunst wuz his buzzum wrung, and that the 
Government cood not pervent. He wuz a standin 
at the winder, gazin out upon Richmond, his mind 
revertin to the time when it wuz the Capital uv his 
Confedracy, when a procession passed with moosic, 
and flags, and banners. With a shreek uv anguish 
he buried his head in the curtins, and wept aloud. 
1 rusht to the winder. It wuz ez I feared. Filin 
slowly by wuz a percession uv niggers who hed past 
that way perposely. " Merciful Heaven ! " sed he, 
" hez it come to this?" and he wuz very reserved 
and deprest the balence uv the day. 
II 



i62 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

The next day the President wuz taken to the 
Court. Ez he entered the room, and glanced 
proudly over the awjence, it wood hev bin very 
difficult to hev decided w^hether he wuz a goin to 
try the Court or the Court him. But repressin 
hisself he took his seat. Techin solissitood wuz 
displayed in the Court Room for his comfort. A 
crack in the winder-casin let in a draft uv cold air ; 
he shuddered, and a shudder run thro the entire 
assemblage. The shudder uv the Conservative mer- 
chant fro in Noo York wuz trooly artistic. Cotton 
wuz called for, when the Conservative merchant's 
wife tore off one uv her buzzums and stufft the 
apertoor. Wuz ther ever more techin sacrifis ? 
The President wept ez he beheld it. On asser- 
tainin the temperatoor wich best sootid his system, 
a thermometer wuz brot, and the room wuz kept at 
that precise degree. 

There wuz sum triflin legal formalities gone 
through with, and the President's counsel made a 
motion that he be admitted to bail. There wuz a 
stir in the Court. *' Make it a million ! " sed one, 
" so that the craven North shel see how we kin 
take keer uv them we love ! " But Judge Under- 
wood fixed it at $100,000, and, brisk ez bees, 
vSchell, a Noo York Dimocrat, several Richmond 




THREE CHEERS FOR JEFFERSON GREELEY. Page 163. 



Jeff Davis in Richmond. 163 

DImocrats, and Horris Greely, stept forrerd and 
signed it. 

Never shel I forgit the shout that assendid ez 
Horris wuz a signin his name. 

" Three cheers for Jeff'son Greely and Horris 
Davis — one and inseprable, now and forever ! " 
shoutid one enthoosiastic confedrit. 

" Immortahty is yoors ! " sed another, seezin him 
by the hand corjelly. "Jeff 'son Davis is the big 
dog uv the age, and yoo, my deer sir, are now the 
tin kittle tied to his tale ! Wat joy ! Wat happinis ! 
When posterity speeks uv Him, they'll speek uv 
Yoo ! " 

I coodent restrane myself no more. Bustin into 
teers, I fell onto Greeley's buzzum, and we em- 
braced. Ez he hedn't his spekticles on, he sposed 
it wuz Davis hisseif, and he bustid into teers also, 
and there wuz wun uv the most strikin tabloos ever 
exhibited. I got away afore he diskivered his mis- 
take. 

Here wuz the endin uv our troubles — the con- 
summashen uv our hopes. Davis wuz free ! The 
pent-up emoshens uv the people found vent. Ez he 
stept into the street the people crowded to the car- 
riage wich contained us, and rent the air with cheers. 
We reacht the hotel, and after embracin his wife, 



164 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

a season of religious exercises wuz held. The 
clergyman who hed excloosive charge of Davis's 
piety doorin the war wuz present, and he offered 
prayer. He prayed fervently that the Lord wood 
forgive the people of the North for the wrong they 
hed done our sainted head ; that he wood forgiv, ef 
possible, the late head uv the Fedral Government 
who hed opposed him and the glorious coz ; and ef 
Divine mercy could stretch so far, that he wood 
forgive the Colonel uv Michigan cavalry wich hed 
hunted down the Saint who wuz now in our midst, 
and made uv him a captive. He prayed for for- 
giveness for the reckless men of the North who 
invaded Virginny ; for the noosepaper condukters 
who had aboozed him who is now with us, and 
particklerly Horris Greely, who hed this day, in 
some measure, atoned for his previous wickidness. 
He prayed that the blessins uv Heven might rest, 
first, upon the city uv Richmond, then upon the 
balance uv Virginny, and afterward upon the rest 
uv the Southern States ; and he wound up with a 
fervent appeal that the Ethiopians, wich coodent 
change their skins, might see the error of their 
ways, and return to their normal condishen. 

After this the President receiv'ed his friends. 

I am not permitted to give more uv the Presi- 



Jeff Davis in Richmond. 165 

dent's plans than this : He will remain in secloosion, 
and will take no part watever in politics until after 
his final acquittal in November. He don't feel at 
liberty to take hold uv the Government, so long ez 
ther is even a technikle charge agin him. Our 
friends in the Northern States, who expected him 
to take the stump in their behalf this fall, will be 
disappintid. I return to-morrer to Kentucky. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv 
of Color. 



1 66 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XX. 



A Provision for the Ex-President of the Confed- 
eracy. — Mr. JVasby tenders him a Professor- 
ship in his ^'' Inst i toot.'' 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
May 26, 1867 



'>•} 



To Jeff'son Davis, late President uv the late 
Southern Confederacy. 

THE undersined, yoor ardent admirers, who 
follerd willinly yoor lead in the late tour the 
South took for addishnel rites, wich unfortnitely re- 
sultid in the loss uv sich uv em ez we had, beg leave 
to tender yoo, ez a testimony uv their esteem, the 
Presidency uv the Ham and Japheth Academy for 
the Development uv the Intellek uv all Races, " ir- 
respective uv race or color," uv wich I hev the 
honor to be one uv the Fakulty. 

We worshipt yoo, before your untimely capcher 
in female apparel, for the dignity with which you 



Jeff Davis and the "Institoot." 167 

bore yourself doorin your prosperous days, yoftr 
manliness doorin yoor long and unconstitooshnel in- 
carcerashen in a Fedral bastile, and your hawty 
though silent assershen uv the natral sooperiority 
of the Southern man doorin the annoyin perceed- 
ings wich endid in yoor triumfant release from 
yoor abasht persecooters, and we feel confident that 
in yoor hands the interests uv the Institoot will be 
entirely safe. 

Many reasons impel us to this course. 

First. We assoom that yoo are poor in this 
world's goods. Troo, yoo hed oceans uv money 
passin thro the Treasury doorin the fratrisidle strug- 
gle forced onto us by the North ; but wat chance 
hed yoo for steelin, with Benjamin and Mallory, 
and them fellows with yoo, who hed the benefit uv 
practice doorin Pierce and Bookannon's adminis- 
trations? A man coodent make day's wages pecu- 
latin in a Treasury wich them men hed gone 
through. 

Second. Yoo wood be uv benefit to us. With 
yoor name at the hea^.uv our Faculty, the Northern 
Democracy would shell out their stamps with a lib- 
ralty never before witnest, and the Institoot wood be 
endowed heftier than any similar institooshen in 
the country. The King's name is a tower uv 



1 68 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

jBtrength. Remember that the Democrisy uv the 
North giv the exil Vallandigum $30,000 in ten 
cent contribooshens. Ef they'd do that for him, 
and sich, wat woodent they doo for yoo? The 
greater swallers up the less. There never will be 
sich a favorable opportunity for yoo to become a 
ten center, v^ich is trooly equivalent to bein a hed 
center. 

Ez a matter uv coorse yoo w^ill hev objeckshuns. 
Knowin w^at they v^^ill be, we anser em in advance. 

I. The incomplete state uv the Institoot. We 
acknowledge that it isn't in sich a state uv com- 
pletidnis as we cood desire. Not to put too fine a 
pint onto it, it ain't built at all. But the corner- 
stun is laid. There's a good deal in that. A cor- 
ner-stun is a good thing. The corner-stun uv the 
Institoot is laid. From the laying of corner-stuns 
great results follow. President Johnson laid a cor- 
ner-stun at Chicago, and your release followed. He 
didn't get very far into the affeckshuns uv the peo- 
ple North, but he got yoo out uv Fortress Monroe. 
Jist let us fling our bann^ to the breeze with the 
name of "J. Davis" onto it, and how quickly wood 
the means to finish the Institoot be forthcomin ! 
Ah, indeed ! Ther wood be tournaments held all 
over the South in its behalf. The Knite uv the 



Jeff Davis and the " Institoot." 169 

Sore Eyes would tilt agin the Knite of the Cropped 
Ears ; the Knite uv the Bandy Legs would run a 
course and be glorified agin the Knite uv the Re- 
leased Cheef, for its benefit, and the Queens uv 
Love and Beauty wood bid em, more fervently than 
ever before, to lay their fish-poles in rest and run 
their course at the Injy Rubber Teething Rings, and 
do their devours manfully, in sich a cause*. Ther 
wood be fairs held in Noo York for this fund, and 
C. Chancey Burr and Henry Clay Dean wood de- 
liver lekters all over the North in its behalf, workin 
a double benefit, viz., affordin us a little money, 
Burr, clean paper-collars, and Dean, clean socks. 
In fact, the coz uv the ill success the Institoot hez 
met with thus far, may be found in the fact that ther 
hain't bin nobody connected with it but me. The 
Southern Democrisy don't take to me kindly coz 
they see me every day ; the Northern Democrisy 
hev no confidence in me becoz they know I wuz 
originelly one uv em. 

2. Its name, indicatin ez it does, that the insti- 
tooshen admits the ijee of Nigger Ekality. This 
objeckshen kin be easily ansered. The name wuz, 
originelly, the " Southern Military and Classikle 
Institoot," and the title expressed fairly its objects. 
That's it yet, and nothin shorter. The change of 



170 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

title was strategy. That change wiiz Pickwickian, 
in the most comprehensive meanin of the word. 
It wuz done for effeck upon the Ethiopian. They 
hev votes in the States which supported yoo in your 
effort to perpetuate em reHably in their normal 
condition, and it wuz deemed necessary to concili- 
ate em. I need not say wat a trial it wuz for our 

m 

people to forego the ecstatic delite uv wallopin uv 
em, and wat agony it wuz to be forced, by circum- 
stances over wich we hed litrally no controle, to 
recognize em, even in fun, ez ekals, but w^e hed to 
do it. After they hev voted wunst, and boostid us 
into Congress, it is eggstremely probable that a 
change will come over the sperit uv their dreems. 
After that happy day — Well, State Legislachers 
hev yit powers, and States hev yit rites. In breef, 
this nigger biznis is an effort to flank John Brown's 
sole, which hez bin marchin on for sevral years. 
You hev witnist, no doubt, in your gayer moments, 
the sole-inspirin and elevatin performances of 
nigger minstrels. Certainly. On the stage they 
resembled niggers ; after the play wuz over, the 
curtain dropped, they washed off the cork, and 
went and took their well-earned nips ez white men. 
Precisely so. When this little play is over, proba- 
bly we may wash off the cork, and ez Cauca- 



Jeff Davis and the *'Institoot.'* 171 

shens assert our rite to be, as uv old, the governiii 
class. 

3. Pay. On this hed nothin definit kin be statid. 
Yoo must doo ez I hev done — hev faith, and take 
wat comes. I hev hed contribooshens ez low ez 
ten cents, and that even in counterfeit postal cur- 
rency, wich wuz no objeckshen to it down here, 
ez among our people it passes just ez well ez any. 
I hev lived on it for some time ; the Institoot hez 
eked out the livin afforded me by the offis I hold 
from the Guvernment. Ef contribooshens should 
be insufficient for yoor support, after my livin is 
taken out, wat uv it? Is Johnson dead, and does 
Wade reign in his stead? Do yoo hev any idee 
that he wood let yoo suffer? Is ther not a sine- 
coor for yoo ez well ez for me ? Is ther a Confedrit 
officer, who wood accept it, who is not pervided 
with a posishen uv some kind? Hevin pervided 
generously for every one uv the principal sufferers 
in the late fratrisidal struggle on the Confedrit side, 
is it probable that he wood make yoo an excep- 
shen ? 

I hev ansered all the objections to the place wich 
yoo kin urge, and I beg leave to state some uv the 
reasons why you shood accept. 

A full year intervenes before the meetin uv the 



172 Ekkoes prom Kentucky. 

Democratic Nashnel Convenshen, and two before 
you kin be finally inoggerated. Pendin that event 
yoo must go into dignified retirement. It's the reg- 
ler thing. Forrest did it, and he succeeded so well in 
masterin his nateral proclivities that, ef I remember 
ritely, he hez killed but two niggers sence he rev- 
erently folded up the stars and bars. Longstreet 
hez did it. Price hez did it, and so hez all uv em. 
Lee hez done it better than any uv em. There's 
suthin pecoolyerly fittin in the cheeftain uv an 
unsuccessful " rebellion," ez the Northerners call 
our struggle for our rites, takin the Presidency uv 
a college, in seekin shelter in academic groves, in 
trainin the noble young men uv his seckshen, and 
instillin into em a more perfeck knowledge uv the 
doctrin uv State rites and a higher revrens for Vir- 
ginny, a deeper hatrid of ablishnism (wich is all 
that a Southern yooth hez a call to know), and a 
gittin rifled cannon from a tyranikle government to 
teech em artillery practis. That's the dodge for 
yoo. We hain't got the academic grove for yoo to 
walk pensively in at the twilite hour, a musin 
onto the eventful past, but we kin easily move that 
corner-stun into one. That corner-stun is ez easily 
shifted ez Democracy. 

There's another reason why yoo shood do it. 



Jeff Davis and the "Institoot." 173 

The edjucashnel interests uv the South shood be 
entrusted to them ez knows how to manage em, 
and who to edjucate. We don't want it too com- 
mon. It's too much power. I know the power 
ther is in it. I'm about the only one here who kin 
rite — were ther more, it wood hurt my standin. 

Look at wat miscellaneous education hez done 
for the North ! Noo England is a cloud bustin with 
educashen. That black cloud hez swept over the 
North, and all over that country its drops hev fell 
in the shape uv schools, academies, and colleges, 
and sich. Consekently, there's no Democracy ther ; 
and the heavier the shower a locality received the 
less Democracy there is. In yoor hands it wood be 
safe. Niggers woodent git it, nor poor whites ; but 
the sons uv the chivalry, uv the dominant race, they 
alone wood tread the flowery path with yoo. 

We heven't the society at the Cross Roads in 
wich yoo hev bin accustomed to move, but wat uv- 
that? Let it be known what yoo are, and the De- 
mocrisy uv the North will make this a place uv 
summer resort, and of winter recreashen. This will 
be their Mecca — yours will be the' shrine at which 
they will come and worship. 

Then come. To yoo the Cross Roads opens her 
arms, and offers her bosom for yoo to repose onto. 



174 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Come ! Erect here yoor alters and yoor fires, ontil 
an ashamed nashen bids yoo take the highest place 
in its gifts, in reparashen uv the wrong they did to 
you two yeers ago. 

On behalf uv the Trustees, 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intelleck uv all Races irrespective 
of Color. 

his 
GaBREL X POGRAM, 

mark 
his 
G. W. X Bascom, 
mark 

Hugh McPelter, 
his 

ISSAKER X GaVITT, 

mark 
Administrator uv the Estate uv Abimilek Gavitt, 
late deceased. 



A Vision of the Next World. 175 



XXI. 

A Vision of the Next World. — Mr. Nashy {in a 
Dreani) is present in the Lower Regions dur- 
ing the ConsideratioJt of Mr. Greeley's Case. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads -^ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 

June I, 1867. j 

THE Corners wuz in a most pleasant frame uv 
mind last Friday nite. So important a event 
ez the release uv our saintid Davis cood not be 
allowed to go by without commemoratin, and we 
accordingly commemoratid. The rejoicins wuz held 
at the Church, tho they commenst at Bascom's. 
Ez the heftiest part uv the rejoicin hed bin done at 
Bascom's, taperin off, ez I may say, at the Church, 
the speeches were very short, ef not to the pint. 
When, how, or wher it adjourned, I know not. I 
wandered orf into the realms uv Morphus in the 
middle uv Deekin Pogram's sekondly, and afore I 
got back I hed taken a rather long journey. 



176 Ekkoes p'rom Kentucky. 

I dreamed a very curis dream. Methawt I wuz 
in the regions that are populerly supposed to lay 
below us. Onto his burnin throne sot Lucifer a 
reading the Noo York Triboon, with the most 
puzzled expression onto his face I ever witnest. 
Laying it down with a sigh, ez tho he hed gone 
bumpin onto a stunner wich he cood not co.npre- 
hend, he remarkt, sadly, "To biznis ! " and de- 
mandid uv his book-keeper the sitooashen of things. 
Reports were read to him, wich, in the riain, 
pleased him. A shade uv sadniss becloudid his 
classikle countenance ez the statement that Napoleon 
and Bizmark hed made up, but his face illuminatid 
serenely ez it was statid that the Christian nashens 
hed decidid to let the Turks go on a butcheria the 
Cretans, wich wuz replaced with a frown agin when 
he wuz informed that there wuz a prospeck uv the 
English common people gettin a vote. After go in 
thro the rest uv the world, the United States 
come in. 

" Kentucky," sed the book-keeper, lookin over a 
bundle uv fresh reports, " is all rite. Helm is 
electid Governor by a whackin majority, and 
McKee and Rice is defeetid." 

" Good ! *' sed he, fetching his tail down in a 
ecstasy uv joy. " The next time I swing around 



A Vision of the Next World. 177 

the cirkle I must visit Kentucky. No State does so 
well for me with so little uv my assistance. I alluz 
like to visit Kentucky. Noo York city is ruther 
pleasant, tho it's so near like my own place that I 
don't enjoy it much when I'm there. I don't feel 
ez tho I'm away from home a visitin. But Ken- 
tucky I love — the people reely charm me. But 
go on, wat next? " 

*' JefF'son Davis hez bin liberatid by Horris Gree- 
ley becomin his bale. This balein by Greeley, the 
reporter stashened at Washington considers a most 
momenchus event, and a most happy okkurrence 
for yoor majesty." 

" That reporter 's a ass, and don't know the 
secret springs wich actooate men. Recall him to- 
wunst for making sich a foolish remark." 

" But," sed the Sekretary, who seemed to me to 
be a imp uv some consekence, to be permitted to 
argoo with Lucifer hisself, " I consider it uv impor- 
tance. Did yoo wish Jeff'son .Davis to die in 
prizen ? " 

" Ef yoo wuzn't uv desided yoose to me, hevin 
bin a Noo York Alderman, I'd redoose yoo. Want 
Jeft^'son Davis to die? Not I. I'm not the yooth 
wot killed the goose wot laid the golden egg. 
He's bin the best recrootin lootenant I ever hed. 
12 



178 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

He hez the happy knack uv controUin everybody 
he hez anythin to do with, and he turns em all 
to'ard me. He rooined Polk, he swampt Pierce, 
he sedoost Bookannon, he dazzled Johnson, and he 
hez now caught Horris Greeley. But ther wuzn't 
any danger uv his dyin in prizen. Men ain't in the 
habit uv dyin on panned oysters, briled beefsteak, 
and milk toast ; they hev a trick uv peggin out 
faster on diet suthin the opposite uv that ; for in- 
stance, the variety that JefTson furnished em at 
Andersonville. He wood hev got out any how. 
Johnson is, after all, a poor white man, and he 
cood bully them uv that class well emiff; but he 
felt ashamed uv keeping a real gentleman like Davis 
in prizen, and he wood hev releast him." 

" Shel I put Horris down on our books?" askt 
the Sekretary, eagerly, dipping his pen into bloc 
flame ez Hertzog does in the Black Crook. 

" Let us consider ! " sed Lucifer, musinly. " Wat 
hez he did?" 

" Bailed JefTson Davis ! " returned the Sekretary, 
confidently, givin his pen a fresh dip. 

"Very good. Horris hez made uv hisself, to 
speak figgeratively, a post for a drove uv hogs to 
scratch themselves agin. They are scramblin out 
uv the slough uv secession in wich they wallered 



A Vision of the Next World. 179 

till the droppin out uv the bottom made it danger- 
ous ; they find Horris a standin on the bank, and 
agin him they rub their sides to clean off the mud 
wich adheres. I speak figgeratively in likenin 
Horris to a post ; literally in likenin the secesh to 
swine. They wuz jest ez senseless and jest ez 
crooel. They wuz the wuns afore wich pearls wuz 
cast. 

" I hev jest finisht his defence of hisself. It's a 
curious dokeyment, and puzzles me. I'm disposed 
to consider him honest, — but wat a week showin 
he makes ! First, he sez he's honest, wich is alluz 
agin a man, for a trooly honest man kin alluz find 
enuff others to say it for him. 2d. He tries to prove 
it, wich is very bad, for the honesty wich needs 
provin is uv a rather scaly order. He instances his 
spilin his chances for the Senit last fall by writin 
that universal amnesty letter. Horris, in this mat- 
ter, is, I fear, playin ostrich. He hez his hed in the 
sand, and, bein blind hisself, fancies the balance uv 
his anatomikle strukter, wich ought to be in the 
background, ain't visible to the rest uv mankind. 
Or, he is reely a loonatic ! 

" I never hed any idea that he wantid the seat in 
the Senit. He wuz in Congress wunst, .-and the 
terrible failure he made ther wood, ef he wuz con- 



i8o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

scious uv it, hev deterred him from seekin that per- 
tikeler place agin. Then, ef he wuz reely compus 
inentus^ he wood hev knowd, or ought to hev 
knowd, that he hedn't the ghost uv a chance for 
the place, and coodn't hev got it ef he hed w^ritten 
a letter urgin the hangin of every rebel, from Jeff'- 
son Davis down to Commodore Hollins. It looks 
to me very much like ez ef Horris wuz playin the 
old game uv declinin wat hed never bin offered 
him. His letter wuz soundin brass and tinklin 
cymbals." 

" Shel I enter him or not?" askt the Sekretary. 

" It's a curis case," said Lucifer, not mindin hirr. 
" He hez bin agin me, by spasms, and when he ht 
done things wich I could approve, I hev alluz, st 
far, entered it up to the account uv loonacy ; for I 
am pertikler about puttin my claw onto any man 
who don't belong to me. I hev a clear rite to every 
one I git. This last trick uv his staggers me ! Kin 
it be that the old man wuz, all along, opposin wrong 
and sich, not from any deep-seated dislike to the 
artikle, but becoz opposin things wuz his best holt? 
Kin it be — hevin bin in the minority all his life, 
and found therein profit because it so happened that 
the minority wuz rite — tliat he is now anxious to 
git into that fix agin? Does Horris spose, that 



A Vision of the Next World. i8i 

hevin the strength uv a successful career to back 
him, and hevin a hundred thousand more or less, 
who are in the habit uv readin him — the people 
will follow him through the stinkin slums uv error 
jest ez lively ez they did over the breezy hills uv 
trooth? Hez his vanity got the better uv his dis- 
cretion at last? Hev the hangers-on, wich alluz pufF 
incense into the face uv success, been burnin hash- 
eesh afore him, and hez it intossicatid him? Is he, 
at his advanced age, in imitashen uv Sut Lovin- 
good's daddy, goin to play hoss, forgittin the hornet's 
nest into wich his great exemplar plunged ? " 

" Shel I put him down or not?" askt the Sekre- 
tary agin, rather impatiently. 

" No ! " replied Lucifer, drawin hisself up deci- 
sively. " Ef he splits up the Ablishnists, we shel 
be so deep in his debt that he will deserve to git 
clear uv us. Ez it is, he hez done enuff to entitle 
him to our gratitood. He hez restored Jeff'son 
Davis to me ; he hez even enlarged his field uv use- 
fulnis. He is a demonstratin the theory that there 
ain't no sich thing ez treason, and ez a matter uv 
course, that there ain't bin no crime committed by 
my friend Davis's friends. Ez Horris is establishin 
the fact that the war agin my friends in the South 
wuz unjustifiable, I shoodent be surprised ef the 



1 82 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

next thing he does, in order that justis may be done, 
will be to insist that their niggers be returned to 
em. After all, I speckt that's wat he's drivin at. 
Now that slavery's abolisht, I bleeve he'd like to 
hev it restored, that he may hev suthin to do. His 
okkepashen's gone. He's short uv a subjict now. 
His pen hez bin so used to writin slavery ! slavery ! 
slavery! — that he's reely at sea now that he kin 
write it no more. He wants that joocy old sin set 
up for him to batter at agin. He wants Lovejoy 
shot over agin, and bleedin Kansas to be repeetid. 
Wat's a perfessional Reformer ef ther ain't nothin 
to reform? Wat's a corn doctor in a country wher 
they wear big boots? No ! let him go. He's shoor 
uv punishment enufF any how. He's a Universlist, 
a doctrine the mistake of wich he'll diskiver some 
day ; but he's very likely to realize his ijee uv pun- 
ishment on earth, for Wendell Phillips is after him, 
and wat wuss can he suffer? Set this last act uv 
his'n down ez honesty streakt with loonacy ; or 
ruther, the loonacy bein the biggest, ez loonacy 
streakt with honesty, and leave him out — Go on 
with the reports. Where's Davis now? andparticu- 
lerly, where's Johnson? Ef he does anythin agin 
me, he does it thro mistake. Keep track uv John- 
son ; don't let — " 



A VisiON OF THE Next World. 183 

At this pint I wuz aroused by somebody shakin 
me. It wuz Bascom. It wuz 8 o'clock, and ez I 
had not bin over for my mornin bitters, in wich 
dooty I'm very regler, the good man hed gone out 
in search uv me. How pleasant 'tiz to have some- 
body to care for yoo, even ef ther solisitood springs 
from a ten-cent motive. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv 
of Color. 



Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXII. 

A Faithful Account of the Trip to Raleigh^ 
including the Discussion before the Start. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ^ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 

June lo, 1867. f 

I ACCOMPANIED the President to Rawly. 
The President doesn't feel safe at goin any- 
where w^ithout me to arrange the details, and do 
the nice financeerin wich is necessary. 

The Rawly trip wuz the occasion of a serious 
truble in the Kabinet. The President wuz in favor 
uv it. Ez he sed, he wuz essenshelly uv a filial 
persuasion. He hed alluz experienced a most con- 
soomin love for his parents, pertickelerly for them 
on his father's side. He hed swung around the 
entire cirkle uv offishel honor, and hed found trait- 
ors on all sides ; but he could lay his hand on his 
heart and say that he hed never knowd a troo man 
but who, at some period of his life, hed a father. 



Trip to Raleigh. 185 

Why, then, should we not honor our fathers ? How 
could it be better dun than by layin corner-stuns? 
His father deceest in 181 2, and it wuz time that 
this dooty was attended to. Besides, at this crysis 
in the affairs of the country, with Wilson and Kelly 
a snortin through the South, he felt it wood be a 
good thing to show ourselves. 

Seward felt that it wuz well to go. Filial love 
wuz charmin. Shakspeer, who wuz ez justly cele- 
brated ez a dramatist ez one he cood menshun wuz 
for diplomatic telegraffin, remarkt, " How sharper 
nor a serpent's tooth it is to hev a thankless child," 
— the truth of which he hed experienced, ez he hed 
been styled the father uv the Republican party : but 
that wuz not to the pint. It is the dooty uv every 
son to lay corner-stuns. In this case it wood, per- 
haps, hev been more creditable hed it been dun 
fifty years ago ; but wat difference is it? It is natral 
ez we are about being gathered to our fathers, that 
we shood remember em. Besides, he hed a little 
speech wich he felt he'd like to deliver. He wanted 
to bear testimony to the patriotism uv the son uv 
Jacob Johnson — particularly to our colored breth- 
ren in North Carliny, w^ho hev bin listenin to Kelly 
and Wilson. 

Randall didn't bleeve in it at all. He made bold 



1 86 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

to say that ez the deceast Johnson hed slept without 
a corner-stun for fifty-five years, he'd manage to git 
along a while longer. It wuz rather late in the day. 
He bleeved in feelin sorrowful over the decease uv 
our relatives, but he didn't go much on doin it fifty- 
five years after date. It wuz too much like bustin 
into tears over the suffrins uv the last illness uv yer 
wife's great grandmother. The speeches he didn't 
bleeve in at all. He hed seen some uv it — he hed 
accompanied one toor uv the kind. He hed bin on 
it. He wuz at Cleveland, at Indianapolis, and 
Springfield, Illinoy. He begged to be excoosed. 
He didn't keer about tailin sich a kite agin. Ef 
the people uv the South shood receive us ez corjelly 
ez the people uv the North did, he preferred to con- 
sult his feelins and be absent. He wuz a sensitive 
plant, and disliked sum things. Ef his memory 
served him rite, the demonstrashens coodent be con- 
sidered flatterin. The people didn't fling dead cats 
at us, but they did wuss. Ef they wuz cold, they 
wuz rather too cold. Ef they wuz in a volatile 
humer, they wuz rather too lively. He hed about 
made up his mind that it wuzn't uv any yoose to 
fite it out on that line ef it took all summer. Suc- 
cess is a dooty ; but when success is ez impossible 
ez water in the great Sahara, wat's the yoose? 



Trip to Raleigh. 187 

Wherefore struggle ? Let us go slow, draw our sal- 
aries to the end uv our 'spective terms, and so live 
that wen the summons comes to jine the innoomera- 
ble caravan that moves out uv Washington to'ards 
their 'spective homes, we go not like the dusty slave 
at nite, wat's bet his all on two pair, but soothed 
and sustained by wat we saved, — go like one who's 
got the wherewithal to live. It wuz a source uv 
comfort to him to know that the worst uv men wuz 
soon forgotten. Who ever speeks uv Tyler, or Peerce, 
or Bukanon, now ? Benedict Arnold is only spoken 
uv on Fourth uv Julys, and Judis Iskariot on Sun- 
days. It will be so with us in time, for wich thank 
the Lord. 

But it was determined to go, and I was sent to 
Rawly to find where the grave uv the honored 
father of our honored President was reely locatid, 
and to make sich other arrangements ez the eggs- 
igencies uv the case demanded, wich I did. I hed 
difficulty in locatin the grave, and ain't jest shoor 
that I found the right one. The people uv Rawly 
wuz anxshus to hev it come off, ez trade was dull 
in the retail line ; and for fear that I wood report 
that the grave coodent be found, and thus nip their 
budding hopes, they giv me the choice uv sum twelve 



1 88 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

or fifteen. Selectin the most eligible, I made the 
uther arrangements and returned. 

The eggscLirzion contrasted very favorbly with the 
one we took last fall. The people receeved uz at 
every stashen with the most affectin demonstrashuns 
uv luv. "Johnson ! Johnson ! Johnson I " they yelled 
at each stopping-place, wich sounded sweeter in 
his ears and mine than the damnable iterashun of 
" Grant ! Grant ! Grant ! " wich greetid us at every 
pint North. The President wuz sorry he hedn't 
takin Grant with him, to show him that ef he wuz 
the most popular in sum localities, we hed the 
hearts uv the people in uthers. But ther wuz draw- 
bax to our enjoyment. No sooner wood the Presi- 
dent commence, " Fellow-citizens ! '* than Randall 
wood pull the bell-rope, and off the trane wood 
start. He wuz determined that the President 
shouldent speek, wich put me to a grate deal uv 
trouble, ez after we arrived I hed to write out and 
telegraph to the papers the speeches the President 
wood hev made. 

At Rawley, General Battles welcomed the Presi- 
dential party, and the President responded. He 
remarked that in Rawley he first opened his tender 
eyes, a penniless boy. Here is the scenes uv his 
childhood ; here is everything to bind man to his 



Trip to Raleigh. 189 

fellow, and to associate him with that with wich he 
is associated ; here is where the tenderness uv heart 
hev taken holt upon everything to wich it hez at- 
tached itself. But he was wandrin from his sub- 
jick. His mind went back to the day he left this 
city a penniless boy. Where is them wich he left 
behind him? He begged to inquire where is the 
scenes uv his childhood? Where's the Haywoods? 

"Killed at Antietam ! " shouted a returned Con- 
fedrit. " I wuz by William's side when he wuz 
shot." 

" Where is the Hunters? " 

" Running a distillery at Waxhall Court 'ouse," 
sed this same fellow, who thot the President really 
wantid to know. He wuz choked down, and the 
President proceeded : — 

" Wher is the Roysters and the Smithses, the 
Brownses and the Joneses? Wher is the long list 
of men that lived at that day, and who, like me, 
command respeck for constancy of devoshen ? I 
feel proud of this demonstrashen — I feel proud of 
any demonstrashen. Ez alloosion hez bin made to 
my boyhood days, when I wuz a penniless boy, I 
may say here, ez pertinent to that subjeck, that I 
hev adhered to the fundamental principles uv the 
gov'ment, and to the flag and Constooshen. But 



190 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

to return to my subjeck. When I went out from 
among yoo a penniless boy, I adoptid the Constoo- 
shen ez my guide, and by them I have aUus bin 
guided. To the young I would say that they will 
be safe in takin me ez a model. Leavin here a pen- 
niless boy, it is not for me to say whether or not I 
hev succeeded. I am no longer a penniless boy, 
nor is them wich are round me. Mrs. Cobb ain't 
a penniless boy ; nor is — But this is a wanderin 
from the subjeck. For the encouragement uv the 
young men afore me, I wood say, that I hev enjoyed 
all I care about. I am no aspirant for nothing, and 
therefore the way I now open for em. All places 
uv honor is now before em. I thank you for this 
corjel welcom. North Caroliny sent me out a pen- 
niless boy, and did not afford me sich advantages ez, 
considerin my merits, I ought to hev hed ; yet I luv 
her. It's better ez it wuz. Goin out a penniless boy, 
and returnin after holdin every offis, from Alderman 
uv my adoptid village up to President, shows my 
qualities to much better advantage than ef I hedn't 
gone out a penniless boy. I thank you for this 
tribute to my many good qualities." 

And he startid to go down, wlien Randall whis- 
pered suthin in his left ear. 

Risin promptly, and drawin out his hankerchief, 



Trip to Raleigh. 191 

rhe President assoomed a look uv subdood greef, 
and resoomed. 

" I hev come among yoo to participate in the 
dedicashen uv a monument to a man which yoo 
all loved, tho it hez taken suthin like fifty yeers for 
yoo to diskiver it. He w^uz poor and humble, wich 
akkounts for my goin from among yoo a penniless 
boy ; but uv him I am proud, — for hed it not been 
for him, I woodent hev returned the shinin example 
to yoor young men wich I am." 

The corner-stun wuz laid, and the monument set 
on it. It is uv red limestone, ten foot high. It's 
ez good a ten foot uv stun respeck ez there is in 
North Carliny. Ez the monument was elevatid, 
there wuz the appropriate speeches, and then my 
little arrangements cum in. A nigger woman I hed 
took with us from Washington rushed for'ard, and 
sed, " Bress de Lord, I'ze bin a waitin for dis day 
to see de President, — our President ! " at which a 
squad of niggers I'd picked up and drilled, hollered 
" 'Ror ! " 

This little affectin sceen over, two quadroons, 
wich I'd also bro't with us in a privit car, cum 
for'ard with a expression of profound greef, at wich 
the President wept, and tenderly slung bokays uv 



192 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

the choicest flowers we cood buy in Washington, 
upon the tomb. 

It wuz reely a techin tabloo. ' The ancient nigger 
woman a holdin the President's hand ; the young 
quadroons a slingin the bokays ; the President with 
his head bowed, apparently a dreamin uv the days 
uv his boyhood ; me with an expression uv thank- 
fulness that the niggers hed at last recognized their 
Moses ; Seward with a saintly smile on his face ; 
Welles tryin to look ez near like Seward as possi- 
ble, but failin miserably to look like anything but 
the eggrejis old ass he is, and Randall with his 
handkercher to his eyes ez ef onmanned by the 
movin sceen, but keepin one eye cocked over the 
handkercher to see how it took among the niggers. 
It wuz a sceen easier to be imagined than described. 

Ther wuz several incidents which occurred wich 
did not appear in the telegraph. When his Excel- 
lency wuz speekin uv himself, and remarkt that his 
race wuz nearly run, a unregenerated nigger yelled 
out " Tank de Lord ! " And when the quadroons 
wuz a strewin flowers on the grave uv His Excel- 
lency's father, I observed rather more titterin among 
the niggers than I approved uv on so solium an 
occasion. I askt Randall what he thought of the 




{.fys^^j-^ 



NIGGERS RECOGNIZING THEIR MOSES. Page 192. 



Trip to Raleigh. 193 

spekelashen, and his answer, " It don't pay ! " struck 
me ez havin a vane uv trooth running through it. 

On our return, the President wuz allowed to speek 
more, for Randall got tired of watching him. We 
returned in good health, and some uv us in good 
spirits. Seward feels well, for he hez an abidin 
faith that the mere showin uv hisself alluz hez an 
effeck for good upon the people, and ez a matter uv 
course Seckretary Welles thinks so to. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intelleck uv all Races irrespective 
of Color. 

13 



194 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXIII. 



The Boston Excursion. — An Account of the 

Preparatory Discussion. — The Starts and the 

Progress up to the beginning of the Masonic 

Festivities. 

Tremont House, Boston ■\ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets), V 

June 25, 1867. J 

THE Raleigh trip scarcely over, His Serene 
Highness determined upon acceptin the Bos- 
ton invitashen. His corjel recepshen in North Kar- 
liny give him a sort uv appetite for popler applause, 
and he determined upon tryin it in the North agin. 
At the Cabinet meetin held to discuss the question, 
Seward expressed a desire to go. Welles foUered 
Seward ; but Randall, who, sence the decease of 
Sir Isik Newton, is considered the strongest man 
connected with the Administrashen, and therefore 
assooms diktatorial airs, opposed it. 

" But," sed Johnson, " I feel ez though I must 
make one more effort to save our errin Southren 
brethren.** 



The Boston Excursion. 195 

" Mr. President," retortid Randall, " I recently 
went to raise a corner-stun to the memry uv yoor 
lamentid father, who deceest in 181 2, onto wich 
WLiz engraved these words : — 

' Jacob Johnson ; died from the Effex uv a Dis- 
ease super in doost by a over Effort to save his 
Eriends frofn drown in* 

" Now, ef yoo persist in yoor loonacy, I shel be 
compelled, after a time, in my quiet Wisconsin 
home, where an appreciative constitooency will 
permit me to forever stay, to indite an epitaff for 
the corner-stun over your politikle grave, wich I 
shel do thus : — 

* Hie jacet Andrew Johnson, 
Who died from the Effex uv a Disease soopertn- 
doost by over Effort in a great many Attempts to 
save his Politikle Friends from bein strangled. 

' Poskript, — The Eriends wuznH wuth the 
savin,* 

" But upon sekond thot Fve no objeckshun to this 
toor. Yoo kin do us no damage ef yoo deliver only 
sich speeches ez we determine upon before hand. 



196 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Yoo go thro Delaware, which is ourn ; Noo Gersey 
yoo've bin thro wunst, and they know wat to expect ; 
New York will give a enthoosiastic recepshun ef 
Morrisy and Wood will take holt uv it, — Seward, 
telegrafFem, — and in Connecticut yoor certain uv a 
corjel resepshen. That State is full uv demoralized 
Yankee Dimocrats, who hev bin out to Michigan, 
and left there all ther Puritanism, bringin back with 
em, in its stead, all the cussidnis indigenous to that 
soil, wich cussidness, grafted onto ther natral cute- 
nis, makes em rather enterprlsin in ther worthlisnis. 
In Boston itself, the prospeck is good. There'll be 
a immense crowd present to dedicate the Masonik 
Temple, wich we shell claim the credit uv bringin, 
ez we did the throngs which come to see us on the 
toor north, but wich wood persist in hollerin ' Grant ! * 
The trooly good men uv Boston are Ablishnists ; but 
there's some thousands wich want offices, and them, 
with a sprinklin uv Demokrats and Conservatives, 
ought to make us a handsome recepshen. There is 
yet men in Boston who used to return fugitive slaves, 
and ther is besides the eminently respectable gentle- 
men who are so conservative that they hold onto 
sin becoz it's old and established by precedent, and 
so aristocratic that they won't do right, jist becoz 
doin rite is a quite common thing in that secksun ; 



The Boston Excursion. 197 

who hold onto the cote-tale uv progress, and holler 
' Stop ! ' and who, ef they tie theirselves to a good 
cause, load it down with their dignity. Like the 
2d Lootenants uv '61, their baggage is worth mor'n 
they are. But the trip won't hurt us. You can't 
make the Ablishnists more Ablishn, and them ez 
foller us for the loaves and fishes we dispense, wood 
still foller us, ef the road we took led ez strata 
through perdishen ez a pigeon wood fly. It may be 
that it's the method by wich we shel finally carry 
Noo England. Pope sez, — 

* Vice is a monster uv such hidjus mien, 
Tiiat to be hated needs but to be seen.' 

" Now, ef v/e follered the poet no further, we shood 
never go, but each one wood keep ez close in his 
respective apartment ez possible. But, knowin man- 
kind, he goes on : — 

' But seen too oft, familiar with its face, 
We first endoor, then pity, then embrace.' 

" That's it. We must be seen too oft. We must 
make em familiar with our face. Ef we stay long 
enufi', I don't despair uv seein Boston givin yoo an 
ovashen, and seein yoo locked in the arms uv Wen- 
dell Phillips. Ef they commence pityin you, the 
reackshen will take them to the embracin, and it 



198 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

seems ez though they ought to be at that pint by 
this time. And then ef yoo make this toor, and say 
nothing ideotik, the very novelty uv it will direct 
attention from wat we've desided to do with Sheri- 
dan, Sickles, Pope, et al. It will bewilder the 
people." 

And so it wuz desided to go. Thro Delaware 
the resepshens wuz all that we desired, and in Mary- 
land the people come in crowds to greet us ; tho the 
cheers partook so much uv the nacher uv the cheer- 
ful yells wich the Confedrit soljers employed when 
they charged, that Sekretary Seward's nerves wuz 
somewat shockt. Ez Philadelphy didn't offer us the 
hospitalities uv the city, we didn't stop ther at all. 
The train run around it, the President's nose bein 
elevatid all the time ez tho he smelt suthin. When 
it had finally passed, Mr. Randall announst the fact, 
and the Presidenshel face assoomed its yoosual 
benine expression ez we glided into the sacred soil 
uv Noo Gersey. 

In Noo York, Morrissy hed done his part. Ther 
wuz spectable bodies uv cheerers at the pints agreed 
upon, and, ez they hed bin paid librally, the spon- 
taneous enthoosiasm wuz ez good in quality ez it 
wuz large in quantity. Occasionally a cheerer, 
wich hed taken too much uv his wages in advance, 



The Boston Excursion. 199 

wood yell for Jeff'son Davis, but it wuzn't notist. 
It didn't mar the pleasant uniformity uv the pro- 
ceedins, or strike anybody ez bein singler. They 
tried terrible hard to get a speech out uv us, and 
the President wuz willin ; but Randall, seein that 
the Herald and Triboon hed reporters present, sup- 
prest him, and got him off to bed comparatively 
sober, and very early. 

Arrivin at Boston, I wuz surprized at the length, 
depth, and breadth uv the enthoosiasm wich greeted 
us. Ez ef to show ther greef at the death uv Presi- 
dents, we notist everywhere the portraits of our pred- 
ecessor, Linkin, draped in mournin, at wich the 
President dropt a tear, sayin, " See how they mourn 
us wen we're everlastinly gone ! " Ther wuz a sort 
uv subdood enthoosiasm, a kind uv half-mournin 
gladnis, ef I may say so, wich wuz gratifyin. 

We wuz receeved by Gov'nor Bullock, whose 
speech wuz a noble triboot to the President. " I 
welcome yoo," sed he, " to Massachoosits. Many 
Presidents hev visited Noo England, and this visit, 
like theirn, excites devoshen to the Yoonion, and 
respeck for them, wich, in their oflGshel posishen, 
respeck the government uv the whole country. Our 
desire is to manifest our regard for those who, in 
offishel capacity, respeck the Nashnel Yoonion, 



200 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

wich is to say, we respeck the Naslinel Yoonion. 
I trust the President will stay long enufF to enable 
us to manifest our high regard for — (here the Presi- 
dent's face brightened up) yoor offis ! (the Presi- 
dent turned frightfully red, wich Bullock, whose 
principles wuz a rasslin a back holt with his polite- 
ness, notist, and he added) — and to yoo, per- 
sonally ! " 

Ez them last words ishood slowly and despritly, 
the President's face lighted up. He tendered him 
thanks for the resepshun. He woodent undertake 
to conceel emoshens which agitated him at this per- 
sonel welcome upon the soil uv Massachoosits. It 
wuzn't necessary for him to go into the histry uv 
Massachoosets ez he wuz in the habit uv doin 
further South, ez those afore him wuz probably ez 
familyer with it ez he wuz ; but he wood ashoor 
em, for their encouragement, that the histry uv Mas- 
sachoosits, in conneckshn with the histry uv these 
States, hez become a part uv the histry uv the coun- 
try ; and therefore, in visitin Massachoosits under 
sich pekoolyer circumstances, it is pekoolyerly grati- 
fyin to receeve sich a welcome. In regard to yoor 
remarks tetchin the preservashen uv these States, I 
trust I may say without egotism, a vice wich I hev 
never bin accused uv, and from wich I may say no 



The Boston Excursion. 201 

one is more singlerly free than myself, I yield to no 
patriot, livin or dead, in my devoshen, to that pur- 
pose. I dislike speekin, ez I kin trooly say that I 
am not loquashus ; but when trooth, wich I love, 
and the coz uv humanity, wich I tie to, is at stake, 
I hev spoke. I may say, without egotism, that I 
live for principle ; and I thank the people uv Massa- 
choosits, wich my visit hez drawd to Boston, for the 
outburst uv regard wich greets me. Without ego- 
tism I may say, that it's a outburst ekalled by few 
and excelled by none ever given a President in the 
Yoonited States or elsewhere ; and it is my prayer 
that comin in contact with me will do the people 
•uv Boston good. Yoor remarks, not referrin di- 
reckly to me, on the Rooshn purchis, and a more 
economical coUecshin uv the internal revenue, also 
meets my corjel approbashen, lovin ez I do my com- 
mon country." 

Randall pulled at his coat-tale, when the Presi- 
dent remarkt that he might say, without egotism, 
that he didn't desire to make a speech, and stopt. 
We brought him off in comparatively good order. 

We stopt at the Tremont House. It is a good 
hotel, and the waiters are ez they ought to be,' nig- 
gers. It's soothin to a troo Dimekrat to be waited 
on by a nigger. Yoo kin damn a nigger waiter, 



203 EkKOES from KENTUCKY. 

but put a white man in that posishen and yoo feel 
a delicacy about it. When we retired, the President 
insisted that I shood sleep lyin across the doorway 
uv his room. 

"Why?" asked I. 

" I am in Boston," replied he, " wher they stun 
the prophets. Boston dislikes me. Boston wears 
to-day a smilin face ; but wot kind uv a hart does 
that smilin face conceal? Sumner lives in Boston, 
and so does Phillips. In Boston they elect niggers 
to the Legislacher, and are tryin to stop the sale uv 
whiskey. Wot kind uv a place is that for a Dime- 
kratic President to trust hisself into? Yoo sleep 
across my doorway, and ef a band uv Ablishnists, 
deemin me their foe, shood strive to enter, they 
w^ood hev to first sheath their daggers in yoor body. 
Meanwhile I wood escape, and continyoo to live 
for my lovd country. You cood, by preparin be- 
forehand a few impressive last words, make a gorjus 
death uv it, and do the coz good. For instance, ez 
Sumner stuck yoo, yoo cood gasp, " Slay me, but 
spare A. J., the hope uv the Republic." Or, ez 
Wilson struck yoo down with a bludgeon, yoo mite 
exclaim, " I die willinly for the Constitooshen with 
36 stars onto it." Any little quotashen from any uv 
my speeches, joodiciously throwd in under sich cir- 



The Boston Excursion. 203 

cumstances, wood do good. Yoo will sleep tber 
to-night ; and remember, in case you are called upon 
to die, the proper quotashens." 

Seward concurred, but Randall objectid. He 
didn't anticipate any sich danger. Ef Boston wants 
to git rid uv the President, they hev a shorter way 
than assassinashen. Rash politishuns only assassi- 
nate them wich they can't find cause to impeach. 
But he wuzn't afraid uv Boston. We stood a better 
chance uv dying of excessive hospitality in Boston 
than uv bein stabbed. Our stomachs mite protrude 
in Boston, but our bowels never. Boston wood feast 
us, for ther are enuff men in Boston who want po- 
sishen to keep us a goin a year or two. He feared 
dyspepsia more than daggers, and hed no fears uv 
the wine bein pizened. 

Nevertheless, I wuz forst to sleep in that posishen, 
wich I did, wakin up in the mornin ez sore and stiff 
ez a plow-hoss. I don't know how far the trip will 
be extended. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv 
of Color. 



204 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXIV. 

Mr, Nashy dreams a Dream^ caused^ frobahly^ by 
the New England Atmosphere which he was 
breathing: Prefaced by some fezv Licidents of 
the Visit of his Grand Seigneur to Boston. 

Tremont House, Boston \ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Massachoosets), \ 

June 29, 1867. j 

I" HEV alluz hed an incorrect idea uv Boston. 
I sposed Boston to be strate-laced, moral to a 
degree not to be understood by a Dimocrat, and 
Puritanicle. I wuz mistaken. Ther is ez heavy a 
per cent, uv men in whom His Eggslency and I kin 
take delite ez ther is in any city in the country, ez 
the followin incidents, w^hich came under my notice, 
will show : — 

Ez we wuz a goin through Franklin Street, a man 
stepped up to the carriage rather hesitatinly. 

" Mr. President," sed he. 

" Well," sed His Eggslency, turnin full upon 
him. 



A Dream. 205 

The site uv the nose uv the Step Father uv his 
Country reashured him. 

" Mr. President, wood yoo like some punch? " 

" Punch ! Certainly. But hevn't yoo suthin 
stronger, to lay a foundashen with?" 

" Certinly ! " and he pulled a bottle uv brandy 
from his right hind-pocket, and the great man took 
an observashen uv the sky thro the bottom uv it, 
wich lasted a minnit. I never agin will doubt that 
the material to make Democrisy uv exists in a coun- 
try where they come at yoo with punch, and hev 
brandy bottles in their coat-pockets. 

Bokays were showered upon us. One old gentle- 
man, who sot two hours in a chair waitin to present 
us with his, finally histed it at us. The fact that 
ther wuz a note in it askin fur a posishen fur the 
genrous giver, don't detract anything from the valyoo 
uv the gift. When we got to the end uv our trip 
there wuz a dray-load uv bokays in our carriage, 
and in all but three uv em wuz tied-up recommen- 
dashens for the givers for places. It is better to hev 
sich missives enveloped in roses, though the most 
thorns we git ain't got roses round em. 

The most techin incident was the number uv 
babies we hed to kiss. The mothers pressed to 
our carriage-steps to present their offsprings. Mis- 



2o6 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

takin me for the President, I kisst half uv em. 
The rapcherus expreshun on the upturned faces 
uv the anxshus mothers affected the President to 
teers, showin, ez it did, the confidence reposed in 
him. 

" Whisht, Teddy ! " sed one uv em, " and howld 
3'er mug up fer the man to kiss who doesn't kiss the 
dirthy nagers ! " 

" Musha, Phelim, be still. The Presidint, bless 
his sow^l, won't bite ye ! " 

" Lind me yer apurn, Peggy, to wipe Terry's face 
wid. The Prisidint must kiss the darlin. 'Taint 
ivery Prisidint wood do the loike." 

And the President kissed, and I kissed, till our 
lips wuz sore. 

Sich is position. 

That nite I received a letter from Deekin Pogram, 
in wich he desired me to ascertain whether or no 
there wuz eny bottom to the Northern Dimocrisy. 
Captain McPelter sed the Northern Dimocrisy wuz 
strong enuff to carry us uv Kentucky throo, while 
Pollock, the Illinoyer, swore the Northern Dimoc- 
risy hed a considerable more to do to carry them- 
selves than they hed bin able to accomplish for some 
time — rthat in a puUin match a corpse wuzn't uv 
much akkount, ef it wuz a big one. With this let- 



A Dream. 207 

ter in my hand I fell asleep, and while asleep, 
drecmed. 

Methawt I vvuz in Noo Orleans at a gathrin uv 
the Faithful, who wuz called together for the pur- 
pose of considrin wat to do. Sum few — Long- 
street, Gov. Brown, and JefF. Thompson — wuz in 
favor uv submission, and hed got the majority uv 
the Southern people to a^ree with em that ther wuz 
no yoose uv further resistance, and they wuz jist 
about to so declare, when Vallandigham, Ben Wood, 
Toucey, Morrissey, Voorhees, and a score or two 
more uv that kind, rushed in and begged uv em to 
hold out. "Why submit?" sed Vallandigham. 
" We'll sustain yoo. The Northern Dimocrisy is 
a giant wich kin yet pertect yoo. He's in his prime, 
and strong enuft' yit to carry yoo throo twice the 
troubles wich threatens yoo. Depend onto us — 
we'll carry yoo." 

And the Southerners whopped over to their side 
and yelled fiercely, " No submission ! " and imme- 
jitly the entire bilin uv em startid North with these 
men, to ascertain the strength and carryin capacity 
uv the Northern Dimocrisy. Methawt the party 
travelled and travelled until finally they come to a 
vast plain in Kentucky, onto wich wuz extendid 
prostrate the form uv a Giant It was a Giant, 



2o8 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

immense in statoo, but emaciated to the last degree. 
His limbs lied bin strong, his teeth terrible, and his 
trunk massive ; but it wuz plane to see that he wuz 
pegged out, and a look at its face showed why it 
wuz so. Dissipation had redoost him to helplessnis. 
His face wuz bloatid and bloo, his eyes wuz sot and 
ghastly, his chest was holler and sunken, his legs 
like pipe-stems, and ulcers, boils, sores, broozes, and 
contooshens kivered him from head to foot, and he 
drawd his breath with a effort. 

He lay a groanin and a groanin. Randall wuz 
a tenderly feedin him out uv a huge bottle, labelled 
" Appintments," which appeared to give him tem- 
prary strength ; but the effect of that wuz lost by 
President Johnson's dosin him with an offensiv 
smellin mixter, labelled " Policy," every swaller uv 
wich wood throw him into a spasm. Gov. English 
was rubbin one arm with a liniment Randall gave 
him, and hed succeeded in gettin up a little circula- 
tion in it. 

" Wat is this?" askt the Southerners. 

" Northern Dimocrisy ! " sed English, rubbin 
away vigrously. 

'•Is this the Giant which is to carry us?" said 
the Southern gentlemen, viewin the disgustin objick 
doubtfully. 



A DifEAM. 209 

" Certainly ! " sed Johnson. " Now can't you 
git up? " sed he to the prostrate bein, givin it a very 
large swaller out uv his bottle. The Giant made an 
effort, but flopped down agin like a dish-rag. 

" Gentlemen ! " said Vallandigham, " we shel hev 
to call upon you to assist in settin him onto his feet, 
and then it'll be all rite with him. He's bin this 
way afore." 

Accordingly, the Southerners gathered around 
him to lift him up. His arms, I notist, wuz marked 
respectively Connecticut and Delaware, and his legs 
Maryland and Kentucky, and in them there wuz 
strength, for ez soon ez the innocent Southerners 
got near enuff he wrapped them limbs around em, 
and sed, — 

" Lift ! " 

" We can't," sed they. 

" Yoo must," sed he ; "I got into this condishen 
flghtin yoor battles, and doin yoor work. I was 
strong and vigorous until I got to runnin after yoor 
harlots ; and for yoor sake I wuz druv out uv my 
native States into this accussid region. Yoo must 
carry me wat time I hev yet to live. Hist me ! hist 
me ! " 

Those caught coodent get away, and the others 

H 



2IO Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

generously come to ther aid, and makin a terrible 
effort, they raised the half-dead bein onto their 
shoulders, holdin their noses meanwhile, and pre- 
pared to start. Ez the percession wuz about to 
move, Vallandigham remarked, " Stop a minit, gen- 
tlemen ! " and loaded ez he wuz with his war record, 
he clambered up ther shoulders and took a seat on 
the carkiss. Voorhees, jist ez badly encumbered, 
did likewise, and so did the Woods, both uv em, 
and poor Jimmy Bookannan, Seymour, Toucey, 
and a hundred or so more, the unfortunit bearers 
fiweatin under this addishnal load. 

" Is all ready ? " sed they. 

" One moment ! " sed Johnson, and him and Ran- 
dall, and Seward, climbed up. 

This wuz the last feather. The bearers mite hev 
staggered off under the carkiss, and them wich 
climbed onto it first, but this last addishn to ther 
burden wuz friteful. It finisht em. Groanin under 
the weight, they swayed like a leaf in the wind, — 
like a majestic tree jist about to fall. They struggled 
a minit to maintain themselves — but all in vain. 
A breef struggle — a desprit gasp — they give up, 
and ther knees doublin up, the whole concern come 
to the earth with a squashin sound, wich letters can't 



A Dream. 2h 

express, and the half-decomposed mass sorter fell 
apart. Raymond and Thurlovv Weed, wich hed 
bin hangin round, got out from under jist in time 
to save theirselves. The Southerners got out from 
under the putrid mass, tho almost smothered by the 
stench. Vallandigham and that class made lite uv 
it, ez they had bin around it. It staggered Johnson 
some, but he hed bin accustomed to suthin ap- 
proximatin very closely to it in the old times, and 
it didn't serously affect him ; but poor Randall, 
Seward, and Welles were smothered, and died. 

I wuz tryin to pull Randall's corpse out, when 
the effort I wuz makin awoke me. 

I ain't altogether certain but that that dream 
means suthin. When I think of it, it is rather 
preposterous for us to hope the Northern Dimoc- 
racy will carry us, when they can't carry a single 
State uv their own ; jist about ez preposterous ez 
it is for them to look to us for help, when all uv 
us ez wood jine em hevn't got a vote. Pollock's 
remark, — "In a pullin match, a corpse ain't of 
much akkount, even ef it is a big one," — weighs 
onto my mind. Suthin can't come out uv nothin ; 
tho ez in the case uv Seward, nothin may come 
out uv suthin. Ef we cood git — but, pshaw ! we 



212 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

can*t. Thank the Lord, we kin hold the Post- 
offises two years yit. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster), and Professor in the Ham 
and Japheth Free Academy for the Develop- 
ment uv the Intellek uv all Races irrespectiv 
of Color. 



A National Convention. 213 



XXV. 



Mr. Nasby insists that tJie Democracy hold a Na- 
tioizal Convention at once, to define the Position 
of the Party u^on an Important Question, 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
July 12, 1867. 



•} 



IN castin my eye carelessly over the politikle 
field, wich Seward and me do every sixty days, 
I think I kin spy into the horizon a bud wich is 
swellin into a most hopeful flower. It is spredin 
itself into a hurricane, wich threatens to sweep 
away the fabric uv Ablishnism and purify the politi- 
kle atmosphere. The Radikle party hev bin at last 
forced to adopt the legitimit endin uv their sooicidle 
principles, — nigger suffrage, — and from that the 
Dimokrisy, ef they are wise, will snatch a triumph 
litrally from the jaws uv death. We hev em now. 
In Ohio that question is to be voted onto this fall ; 
in Noo York and Michigan it's raisin a breeze in 



214 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ther Convenshuns ; and in Pennsylvania, lUinoy, 
and Indiana, it can't be long put off. It's our best 
holt. The proud Caucashen, wich votes the Dime- 
cratic tikkit, hez no objeckshun to bein jossled by 
the Nigger in the rush to pay taxes ; but his hawty 
soul recoils at the idee uv bein elbowed by him at 
the polls. Besides, the Dimecratic voters don't w^ant 
the ballot given to any other lower class. It wood 
make undoo competishen. Ez I remarked. We've 
GOT EM. Wat the Demokrisy want now is to so 
handle this delikit subjick ez to make the most 
uv it. 

The great trouble with the party is, that there is 
no uniform style uv meetin this question. On the 
main question we are all agreed. We all oppose 
nigger suffrage. It's a part and parcel uv a Demo- 
krafs nacher to oppose nigger suffrage. The lead- 
ers uv the party opposed it at the beginnin ; for seein 
how the ballot wuz abused by ther followers, they 
trembled for the Republic ef it wuz entrusted to 
the hands uv any more uv ekal capassity, and the 
masses uv the organization opposed givin it to the 
nigger, becoz that one privilege, and color, wuz all 
that distinguished em. It's a pecoolyarity uv unre- 
generated human- nacher that it must alluz bear 
down on somebody. The poet sez, — 



A National Convention. 215 

" Even the lice hev smaller ones to bite em, 
And they still smaller ones, ad infinitum." 

Fortunately, the Dimokracy hev the nigger for 
their smaller lice. The sturdy yeomanry felt it to 
be a soothin thing to find, wunst each yeer, that in 
wun thing at least he wuz sooperior to someboddy ; 
and so it will be so long ez there is a Dimokracy. 
The troo Dimokrat promotes hisself, not by liftin 
hisself above the level onto wich he finds hisself, 
but by shovin some w^un down to a lower level ; 
and ez ther wuzn't anybody else on this Continent 
wich they cood git hold uv, the nigger wuz, long 
ago, selected fur that purpose. 

The great trouble is, we oppose nigger suffi'age 
now from too many stand-pints. Some oppose it 
on the skore uv the inferiority uv the Afrikin ; but 
that never wuz a popler idea with our people. 
They may hev assented to it outwardly, but in ther 
own minds they objected. " Ef," sez a reliable 
Dimokrat to hisself, " ef that* s the rool, wat in 

THUNDER is TO BECOME UV ME ! " 

Likewise the idea uv onfitness, wich others uv 
our apossels advance. " They can't read nor rite ! " 
shreeks a injoodishus cuss, speekin to a audience, 
two thirds uv wich go to him reglerly to reed 
their ballots to em, and who, when they sign prom- 



2i6 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

issory notes, put an X atween their first and last 
names, 

Anuther speeker quotes Noah to em, and boldy 
asserts that the nigger is the descendant uv Ham, 
and that he is the identikle indivijjle wich wuz cust 
by Noah ; but he runs agin the fact that the rest uv 
em, wich is in Afrika yet, hev managed to dodge 
the cuss, ez they ain't servin ther white brethren, 
and them wich wuz brot here to be Chrischinized 
hev busted ther bonds, and are jest about ez free, 
so far ez servitood goes, ez anybody. 

There is, ez I hev showed, all these conflictin 
ideas that work agin us. Therefore, I want a Nash- 
nel Convenshun. I want a convocashen uv the 
lights uv the party to set forth authoritively why 
we oppose nigger suffrage — to give a reeson for 
it, that all our people may act together, ez do other 
well-regulated machines. Let us cum together and 
ishoo our manifesto, that we may know percisely 
the pertikler line uv argument to pursoo. 

I shel be at that Convenshun, and I hev made up 
my mind wot platform to lay down. I shel go back 
on Ham, Hager, and Onesimus. I shel turn from 
the inferiority idea, and take the broad ground that 
the nigger is a beast; tJiat he air^t a man at all; 
and consekently he hez no more rites than any other 



A National Convention. 217 

animal. I put my foot onto him by authority of 
the decree that unto man wuz given dominion over 
the beasts ; that we are men, and they are beasts. 
Ef they admit the first proposishen, they will the 
last. I shel assert boldly and brodly his onfitnis to 
mingle with us, becoz his fizzikle structure, his 
muscles, nerves, fibres, bein different, go to show 
that he wuz uv a diflerent origin, and uv a lower 
origin. I shel plant myself on the stoopenjus, yet 
simple proposishen, that the Almity made him, prob- 
ably, but at a different time and for a different pur- 
pus, wich I shel show by citin the color uv his skin, 
the length uv his foot, the shape uv his head, and 
sich other matters as I kin git together in time for 
the Convenshen. 

Uv course this doctrine will meet with objectors. 
We hev a few thin-skinned perfessers uv religion, 
whose piety service in our ranks hezn't quite oblit- 
erated, who will say that these dogmas undermines 
the Christian religion, ez it destroys the doctrin uv 
the unity uv the races onto wich orthodoxy is built. 
To this I shel answer, that sposin it does, wot then? 
Uv wot comparison is any religion a Orthodox 
Dimocrat hez to a triumph uv the party? Wot 
hez Dimocrisy to do with religion any how? It 
hez never permitted it to mix in its pollytix. Di- 



a^iS Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

mocrisy bleeves in keepin Church and State ez far 
apart ez possible. 

Shood the Ablishnists pint to niggers wich reed 
and write, I shood say to-wunst that there is differ- 
ent degrees uv instink, — that ez one dorg hez more 
instink than another, that so one nigger hez more 
than another ; and then I shood wind this answer 
up by askin him, " Sir, wood yoo force yoor daw- 
ter to marry a nigger, even ef he cood reed and 
write?" This hez alhiz done good service, pertike- 
lerly ef yoo walk hurridly away before there is time 
for an answer. 

Ther is one pint wich is a stumper — but only 
one. One man to whom I unfolded this theory, 
asked me, sneerinly, wat I wuz a goin to do with a 
mulatter who wuz half white and half black — half 
man and half beast — half instink, wich dies with 
him, and half sole, wich wuz to be saved and fitted 
for the skies, or lost? When a mulatter dies, wat 
then? Does the half sole uv the half man drag the 
instink uv the beast behind it in a limpin, lop-sided 
fashion, into heaven? or does the instink drag the 
sole into the limbo for animals? " Ef this latter 
idea be correct," sed he, " in that limbo how much 
Southern sole is floatin about, held in solooshen in 
animal instink ! " 



A National Convention. 219 

An old friend uv mine, in Kentucky, become in- 
dignant wen I propounded the beast theory to him, 
and he threatened me with corporeal punishment 
ef I didn't quit his presence — wich I did to-wunst. 
Alas, for the imprudence of zealous men ! Before 
speekin to him on the subjick, I didn't notis the 
skores uv brite yeller children all about the place, 
rangin from the infant uv six months to the boy uv 
sixteen, and all uv em with his noze ! 

But, notwithstandin these drawbacks, it's the most 
healthy doctrine we've got, and the only ground upon 
which we kin stand sekoorly. It kivers the ground, 
and besides, it don't interfere with anybody else's 
idea. The orators wich implore the people ef they 
want to marry niggers, kin make the appeal with 
more force after assertin that the nigger is a beast ; 
and the anshent virgins, who will this fall bear the 
banners onto wich will be proudly inscribed, '* We 
want no niggers for husbands ! " will bear em still 
more defiantly ; for, if they reely bleeve the doctrine, 
they will be in earnest in it. 

At all evence, let the Convenshun be called, that 
this question may be settled. Let us all stand on 
one platform, that we may make the most uv this 
God-send. Let us inscribe onto our banner the 
inskripshen, " Ameriky fur white men ! '* " Eter- 



220 EkKOES from KENTUCKY. 

nel hostility to Animel Suffrage ! " and go in to 
win. Ef the Amerikin people don't shy at Nigger 
Suffrage now, they never will. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 
(Wich is Postmaster). 



An Autobiographical Sketch. 221 



oADs 1 

itucky), > 
1867. ) 



XXVI. 

An Autobiografhical Sketch. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
April 22, 1867. 

EDITOR TOLEDO BLADE. Sir : En- 
closed find photograff uv myself, ez you de- 
sired. To make a strikin picter, I flung myself into 
the attitood, and assoomed the expreshun wich mite 
hev bin observed onto my classikle countenance 
when in the act uv deliverin my justly celebrated 
sermon, " The wages uv Sin is Death." The $2.00 
wich yoo remitted to kiver the cost uv the picter 
wuz, I regret to say, insuffishent. The picter cost 
75 cents, and it took $1.50 worth uv Bascom's new- 
est to stiddy my nei-ves to the pint uv undergoin the 
agony uv sittin 3 minits in front uv the photografier. 
I need not say that he is a incendiary from Massa- 
choosets. Ez the deceased Elder Gavitt's son Issa- 
ker hez expressed a burnin desire to possess his 
apparatus, it is probable that public safety will very 



422 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

shortly require the expulsion uv the incendiary* 
But I hed my revenge — in his pockit is none uv 
my postal currency. Sekoorin the picter, I told him 
I wood take it home, and ef my intimit friends, those 
who knowd me, shood decide it wuz a portrait, I 
wood call and pay for it afore he left the Corners. 
Will I do it? Will this picter-takin Ablishnist ever 
more behold me ? Ekko ansers. 

Yoo may remit the odd twenty-five cents, either by 
draft on Noo York, or money order, at my resk. 

I wuz born in the year 1806, at — I will not say 
where. I hev reasons for conceelin my birthplace. 
I don't want to set any town in that State up in 
biznis. That town hez gone loonatic, and gives 
Ablishn majorities friteful to contemplate, and I 
don't want to benefit it by givin it a nashnel rep- 
utashen. I don't want to double the price uv its 
property — to be the means uv erectin a dozen, or 
sich a matter, uv first class hotels to accommodate 
the crowds ez wood make pilgrimages thither to 
visit my birthplace. The present owner uv the 
house into wich I first opened my eyes onto a world 
uv sin, is a Ablishnist of the darkest dye, and I hev 
no desire to enrich him. Never, by word uv mine, 
shel he cut that house up into walkin sticks and 
buzzum pins. 



An Autobiographical Sketch. 223 

My boyhood wuz spent in the pursoot uv knol- 
lege and muskrats, mostly the latter. I wuz a 
promisin child. My parence wuz Democrats, uv 
the strictest kind, my mother in partikeler. She 
hatid eny one that wuzn't Dimocratic, with a hatred 
that I never saw ekalled. When I say that she 
woodent borrer tea and sugar and sich uv Whig 
nabers, the length, and breadth, and depth of her 
Dimocrisy will be understood. 

Uv my childhood, I know but little. My father 
wuz a leadin man in the humble speer in wich he 
moved, holdin, at different times, the various offices 
in the town up to constable, the successive steps 
bein road supervisor and pound master. He wuz 
elected constable, and mite probably hev gone 
higher, but for an accident that occurred to him 
the first month. He collected a judgment for $18, 
and the money wuz paid to him. The good man 
wuz a talented collector, but wuz singlerly careless 
in payin over wat he collected. Ez showin the pe- 
koolier bent uv genius uv the old man, I repeet a 
conversashen I wunst heerd. A man who hed an 
account to collect, wuz consultin one who knowd 
my father well, ez to the safety uv puttin a claim 
into his hands. 

" Is he a good collector ? " askt the man. 



224 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

" Splendid ! " sed the naber. 

" Is he a man uv responsibility ? " askt the man. 

" Sir ! " sed the naber, " he hez the ability, but 
yoo'll find when yoo try to git yoor money out uv 
his hands that he lacks the response.'* 

Good ther hev bin a more techin triboot? 

He wuz like all men uv genius, unbalanced. His 
ability was all on one side. The grovelin plaintiff, 
who didn't admire sich erratic flites, raised a ruck- 
shen about the paltry sum, and my father 

*' Folded his tent like the Arab, 
And ez silently stole away." 

From that time out, the old gentleman migrated 
— in fact, he lived mostly on the road. He adopted 
movin ez a perfeshun, and a very profitable one he 
made uv it. When his hoss died, the nabors, rather 
than not hev him move, wood chip in and raise him 
another. Appreshiatin the compliment they pade 
him, he alluz went. I menshun these pekooliarities 
uv my ancestor, becoz 

" The lives uv all grate men remind us 
We may make our lives sublime, 
And, departin, leave behind us — " 

ef our talent runs in that direckshun, ez many debts 
ez he did, tliough it does require espeshel talents. 



An Autobiographical Sketch. 225 

This hed its inflooence upon my yoothful mind. 
I saw not only a great deal uv the country, but 
much uv mankind, and I acquired that adaptability 
to circumstances wich hez ever distinguished me. 
Even to this day, ef I can*t git gin I kin take 
whiskey, without a murmur and without repinin. 

My politicks hez ever bin Dimocratic, and I may 
say, without egotism, I hev bin a yooseful member 
uv that party. I voted for Jackson seven times, and 
for every succeedin Dimocratic candidate ez many 
times ez possible. For Mick Lellan, I only got in 
four votes. I didn't approve uv the nominashen, 
and wuz not overly zealous. Hed he bin electid, 
wat wood it hev availed me ? He hed enuff dismist 
army officers follerin him to hev filled every offis in 
his gift, and I hed at that time become too old to 
foUer pollytix for the amoozement it afforded, or for 
the benefit uv any cause. 

But this is a digression. 

My Dimocrisy wuzn't partikerly confirmed ; in 
fact, I wuz not a Dimekrat from any speshel prin- 
ciple, but more becoz those in the speer in wich I 
moved wuz, until I arrived at the age uv twenty- 
four. My father wuz intimately acquainted with 
me, and knowd all my carakteristics ez well ez 
tho he hed bin the friend uv my buzzum. One 
^5 



236 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

day, ez I wuz a layin on my back under a tree, 
contemplatin the beauties uv nacher, my parent, 
sez he, — 

"Pete" (wich is short for my name), " ef yoo 
ever marry, marry a milliner ! " 

" Why ? father uv mine,'* replied I, openin my 
eyes. 

" Becoz, my son," sed he, '' she'll hev a trade 
wich'll support yoo, otherwise yoo'U die uv starva- 
shen when I'm gone." 

I thot the idea wuz a good one. Thro woman a 
cuss come into the world, wich cuss wuz labor ; 
and I wuz determined that ez woman hed bin the 
coz uv requirin somebody to sweat for the bread I 
eat, woman shood do that sweatin. That nite I 
perposed to a milliner in the village, and she re- 
jectid my soot. I offered myself, in rapid succeshun, 
to a widder, who wuz a washerwoman, and to a 
woman who hed boys old enuff to work, with the 
same result, when, feelin that suthin wuz nessary 
to be done to sekoor a pervision for life, I married a 
nigger washerwoman wich didn't feel above me. 
Wood you bleeve it? Within an hour after the 
ceremony wuz pronounst, she sold her persnel 
property, consistin uv a wash-tub and board, and a 
assortment uv soap, and investin the proceeds in a 



An Autobiographicai. Sketch. 227 

red calico dress and a pair uv earrings, insisted on 
my goin to work to support her ! and the township 
authorities not only maintained her in her loonacy, 
but refused to extend releef to me, on the ground 
that I wuz able-bodied. 

Ez I left that nigger, I vowed to devote my life to 
tlie work of gettin uv em down to where they wood 
hev to support us, and that vow I hev relijusly ful- 
filled. I hev never failed, by my vote and inflooence, 
to reduce em to ther normal condishun ; I hev never 
felt good, ceptin when they wuz put down a peg ; 
I hev never wept, save when they wuz bein elevated. 
I hev bin bathed in tears the heft uv the time for 
five years past. 

The offices I hev held hev not been many. I hed 
signers to a petishun for a post-office in Jackson's 
time, but I killed my chances by presentin it in per- 
son. The old hero looked at me, and remarked that 
it wuzn't worth while throwin away post-offices on 
sich — that when he wanted em, he cood buy em at 
a dollar a dozen. Bookanan wuz agoin to appoint 
me, but somehow my antecedents got to his ears, 
and he wuz afeerd uv his respecktability ; and I 
never succeeded till Johnson returned to his first 
love and embraced us. 

I hed bin drafted into the Federal army at the 



228 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

beginnin uv the war, and hed deserted to the Con- 
federacy. Procoorin a certifikit to that effeck, I 
apphed for a pardon and a place. He didn't like 
to giv me the offis, but he wanted a party, and, ez 
his appintments everywhere show, he coodn't be 
very pertikeler. I succeeded ! I bore with me to 
Kentucky a commishun ez Post Master, and I am 
now livin in the full enjoyment uv that posishun, 
and I may say, I am happy. 

The sosiety is conjenial. Ther is four groceries, 
onto wich I kin gaze from the winder uv my ofBs, 
and jest beyond, enlivenin what wood otherwise be 
a dull landscape, is a distillery, from wich the smoke 
uv the torment ascendetli forever. I hev associates 
who reverence me, and friends who love me. There 
is nuthin monotonous here. I hev knowd ez many 
ez eight fites per day, though three or four is con- 
sidered enuff to break the tedium. And in these 
deliteful pursoots, leavin behind me the ambishens 
uv wat mite be called public life, with my daily 
bread sekoored, with my other sustenance ashoored, 
with a frend alluz to share my bottle, or, to speek 
with a greater degree uv akkooracy, frends alluz 
willin to share ther bottles with me, I am glidin 
peacefly down the stream uv time, dodgin the 



An Autobiographical Sketch. 229 

troubles, and takin ez much uv the good uv life 
ez I kin. 

The twenty-five cents menshuned in the beginin 
uv my letter, you may, ez I remarked, remit either 
in postal order or currency. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 

P. S. — Don't remit the tw^enty-five cents men- 
shund in postage stamps. I hev enufF to last me, 
ez they ain't in demand here, ontil the Dimocrasy 
strike agin for their rites. Uv course all I hev on 
hand at that time will be uv no akkount. Send it 
in currency. P. V. N. 



230 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXVII. 

The Negro being found not Available^ Mr. Nasby 
and his Followers decide to go back on him. — 
A Meeting., the Effect of which was spoiled by 
Pollock., the Illinois Storekeeper., and foseph 
Bigler^.late C. S.A. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
July 28, 1867 



«•} 



THE speculashen in wool, into wich the Dimoc- 
risy uv the South embarkt some months ago, 
hez, I regret to say, resulted disastrously. The 
nigger ain't fitted for co-operashen with the Dimoc- 
risy. Instid uv hangin onto us like the ivy onto the 
oak, he diskivered that, in the South at least, he 
wuz really the oak and we the ivy ; instid uv lookin 
up to us, he contracted a disagreeable habit uv 
lookin down onto us. There wuz other reasons 
why he coodent be made available for our uses, and, 
therefore, it wuz decided to go back onto the Afrikin, 
and to agin attempt his reduckshen to ez near his 



The Negro Question. 231 

normal speer ez the abnormal condishn uv the times 
wood admit. The directers uv the college met and 
changed the name uv the Institooshn back to the 
" Southern Military & Classikle Institoot," and the 
Corners wuz itself agin. 

Deekin Pogram lookt ez tho ten years bed bin 
lifted off him. " How pleasant 'tis," sed he, "' to 
walk erect agin in front uv a nigger, and to pass 
em ez tho they wuz niggers ! O, ef I cood only 
wallop one wunst more, methinks I cood die 
happy ! " 

We hed a meetin last nite to consider this nigger 
question, wich wood hev resultid in great good, and 
hed a powerful inflooence towards strengthenin the 
hands uv our brethren in the North, who are fightin 
the heresy uv nigger suffrage, hed it not bin for that 
irritashen. Pollock, and that pest, Joe Bigler. I 
hed made my regler speech on the nigger, and with 
much effect. I hed quoted from sumboddy's quo- 
tashen from Agassiz, which demonstrated the radi- 
cle difference there is atween the Afrikin and the 
proud Caucashen, arguin from the length uv his 
heel and arm, the thickness uv his skull, and so 
forth, that the nigger wuz totally unfit to exercise 
the rites uv free men. I wuz applauded vocifer- 
ously, and by none more than Pollock and Joe Big- 



232 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ler. Ez I took my seat, and wuz a wipin the per- 
spirashen from my classikle brow, feelin tllat I hed 
settled that question. Pollock riz, and desired to say 
a few words, and make a suggestion. Sed he, — 

" I hev listened with interest to the elokent speek- 
er, and am happy to say I hev learned fax wicji is 
new to me. Ef I hev ever doubted the inferiority 
uv the nigger, them doubts are removed, pervidin 
alluz, that the statements uv the speeker is troo, uv 
wich I hev no doubt, ez the caracter uv the speeker 
is a sufEshent guarantee for the trooth uv wichever 
he sez." 

I bowed, stately-like, with the air uv one to whom 
sich compliments wuz a every-day affair, wich they 
ain't, by no means ; on the contrary, quite the re- 
verse. 

" But I want it demonstrated to the satisfackshen 
uv the most obtoose. I want rite here a measure- 
ment uv the average Afrikin and the average white 
man, that all the world may know the diffrence. I 
move that it be did." 

I acceded. " Let it be done," sed I, " that the 
vexed question may be settled forever." 

Sevral niggers were askt to submit to the meas- 
urement, but all refused. Finally Joe Bigler sed 
he saw Napoleon Johnson — a nigger wich wunst 



The Negro Question. 233 

belonged to Deekin Pogram — in the audience. 
" Napoleon," sed he, " will yoo contribbit yoorself 
to the great science uv ethnology ? Ain't yoo willin 
to let us yoose yoo a while to demonstrate the grate 
and growin trooth, that yoor grandfather wuz a 
monkey? Step up, Napoleon." 

Napoleon, nothing dasht, stept up, and Pollock, 
Bascom, Bigler, and I measured him, with the fol- 
lowin result : — 

Heighth 5 feet 8 inches. 

Weight 150 lbs averdupoise. 

Length uv foot 12 inches. 

Breadth uv foot 5 inches. 

Length uv hand 8h inches. 

Breadth uv hand 4 inches. 

Length uv forearm n inches. 

Length uv bone from ankle to knee ... 6 inches. 

Projeckshun uv heel 4 inches. 

Capassitj uv skull, wich, bein the top 

or cap uv the vertebral column, so to 

speek, is, accordin to Hippocratees, a 

trooly scientific Greek, and Hon. Wm. 

Mungen, uv Ohio, a very important 

bone for pretty much all uv the races, 66 cubic inches. 

'^ Now," sed Pollock, " let us examine in the 
same way a avrage specimen uv the Caucashen race, 
ez he is found in this delectable spot. Will Issaker 
Gavitt be good enufF to step forrerd? I perpose 
to demonstrate the sooperiority uv the Caucashen 



234 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

with a two foot rool. Figgers won't lie. Step up, 
Issaker." 

And Issaker stept up, and wuz measured, with the 
foUerin result : — 

Heighth 5 feet 8 inches. 

Weight 150 lbs. 

Length uv hand 7i inches. 

Breadth uv hand 3i inches. 

Length uv foot 11 inches. 

Breadth uv foot 4i inches. 

Projeckshen uv heel li inches. 

Length uv forearm 10 inches. 

Length uv bone from ankle to knee ... 15 inches. 
Capassity uv skull . ...... 97 cubic inches. 

Pollock wuz delited ! " Here," sed he, " it is in 
a nut-shell. Issaker hez a shorter hand, a more nar- 
rer hand, a shorter and narrerer foot, and his heel 
projecks less than the nigger's by 2^ inches ! Good 
Lord, how I hev bin deseeved ! Wat errors I hev 
bin nussin ! How kin a human bein hev intelleck 
whose heel projecks four inches ? How rejoict am 
I that I am at last set rite on these important 
pints ! " 

I smiled beninantly onto him. 

Bigler riz. " I, too,'* sed he, " am satisfied that 
the nigger is not wat we, who wuz disposed to con- 
sider him fit to exercise rites, supposed him to be. 



The Negro Question. 235 

I held firm when the measurement uv his hands 
and arms wuz bein made, but the heel staggered 
me. It's clear that no one kin hev intelleck whose 
leg isn't set in his foot better than that. I shel per- 
soo this investigashen. Hevin now a startin-pint, — 
a heel, ez I may say, to stand on, — I shel go on to 
prove the inferiority uv the nigger. With that heel 
for a fulcrum, I shel, with the lever uv trooth, pro- 
ceed to upset the fabric uv nigger ekality, and carry 
confooshen into Boston. I shel assoom that Napo- 
leon is a average specimen uv the lower, or unintel- 
lectooal Afriken type. Is it so ? " 

" It is ! It is ! " yelled we all, delited at the happy 
turn the thing wuz takin. 

*' I shell also assoom that Issaker Gavitt is a 
avrage uv the higher or intellectooal Caucashen 
type. Is it so ? " 

'' Certinly ! Certinly ! " 

" Very well. Now quake, Massachoosets ! Na- 
poleon, kin yoo readf^ 

I saw the trap into wich we hed fallen, and risin 
hastily, protestid that the examinashen hed bin car- 
ried far enuff, and so did Deekin Pogram ; but Big- 
ler swore he wuz a goin to kiver Massachoosets with 
shame, and I sot down paralyzed. 

" Kin yoo read, Napoleon? " 



236 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

" Yes, sah ! " 

" Read this, then," sed Bigler, handin him a 
noosepaper. 

The nigger read it ez peert ez a Noo England 
skool marm, wich well he mite, ez he learned it 
from one uv em. 

" Kin yoo write ? " 

" Certinly ; " and takin a pencil he writ half uv 
the Declarashen uv Independence. 

" Set dowm. Napoleon. It's a devilish pity yoor 
heels is so long ; otherwise yood be credited with 
hevin intellek. Now Issaker, my bold Caucashen, 
kin yoo read? " 

" I protest ! " shreeked I, in agony. " Issaker 
don't answer the skoffer at ethnology ! " 

But Issaker, ez white ez a sheet, and tremblin 
under the eye uv Bigler, who knowd him from 
infancy, stuttered out, " No ! " 

" Kin you rite, my gay desendant uv the soope- 
rior race?" 

And, still under the inflooence uv Bigler's eye, 
he answerd, " No ! " 

" Kin yoo cipher? " 

" What in thunder's the yoose uv cipherin, when 
the old man alluz kep a nigger to do his figgerin ? " 

" Set down, Issaker. We're done with you. 



The Negro Question. 237 

There's an error sumwher. The nigger's capassity 
uv skull is less by sevral cubic inches, but he seems 
to hev made a lively yoose uv wat he hez. But it's 
all rite, Parson. Issaker shel vote, and the nigger 
shan't. Reedin and writin never wuz a qualifica- 
shen for votin down here, any way. Possibly the 
seat uv the intellek is in the heel insted uv the 
brain, wich accounts for the nigger's hevin the most 
uv it." 

And Pollock and Bigler, and the niggers present, 
left the meetin-house, laffin uproarously, and throwin 
all sorts uv adoos back to us. 

I doubt whether the result uv the investigashen 
will help our friends North. The fact is, it wuz 
overdone. It wuz carried too fur. There is a pint 
at wich facts ought to stop — Dimekratic facts in 
partikeler. In this instance, the investigashen shood 
never hev bin carried beyond the heel. Hed it stopt 
there, we wood hev hed em. But carryin it to the 
radical pint, Bigler and Pollock took it, the founda- 
shen we built wuz upset, and we are all at sea agin. 
Wood, oh ! wood that we wuz rid uv these jeerin 
fanatics. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



23S Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXVIII. 

A Consultation at the Corners^ folloived by a 
Dream^ in which General Grant and other 
Individuals are 7nixed^ with no Regard what- 
ever for Ti7ne^ Place^ or Fitness. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads "j 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 

August I, 1867. J 

LAST nite there wuz a convocashen uv the 
saints connected with the Institoot '(uv wich 
Deekin Pogram is the cheefest and lovelist among 
ten thousand), to take sweet counsel together onto 
sevral matters connected with the institooshen uv 
learnin, the success uv wich is so dear to all uv us. 
The conversashen happenin to turn upon the con- 
ferrin uv honorary degrees, Deekin Pogram sed that 
he hed a suggestion to make. He hed notist that all 
the leadin colleges uv the country hed a practis uv 
conferrin titles, sich as "M. D.," "A. B.," " LL.D.," 
and sich, onto distinguished men, though he wuz 



A Consultation at the Corners. 239 

free to say that he didn't know wat in thunder they 
meant, or wat they wuz good for ; but he hed notist 
in a noospaper that no college hed yet conferred any 
sich onto Androo Johnson. Considerin it a burnin 
shame, he wood sejest that as a rebook to the hide- 
bound institooshens uv the North, this college do 
to-wunst confer all uv em, and ez meny more ez 
there is, ont^ Mr. Johnson. Bascom remarkt that 
he didn't kno whether the President wood feel com- 
plimentid. " You kno, Deekin," sed he, " that this 
ain't much uv a college." 

" Troo," sed the blessid old peece uv innosence, 
" troo, troo ; but then, to balance that, Johnson ain't 
much of a President, you kno." 

And so the honorary degrees wuz conferred, and 
notis thereof wuz sent him immejitly. From this 
the question uv the next nominee uv the party for 
President came up. Bascom, who isn't a far-seein 
man, asserted that it wood be necessary to nominate 
Grant. The Deekin remarkt that he thought it 
wood be safe, but McPelter thought different. He 
didn't bleeve, in the first place, that it become a 
Peace party, or at least a party wich, ef it dipped 
its hands in gore at all, did it mostly in Northern 
gore, to take up a Northern General, wich had dun 
his best towards sendin many thousands of South- 



240 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ners to their long homes ; and besides, the General 
wouldn't take it. 

Bascom wanted to know what the conference at 
Long Branch meant? Ef General Grant wuz in 
the control uv Weed, Raymond, and the Noo York 
Herald, wich wuz ekal to the World, the Flesh, and 
the Devil, he felt that he hed trooly found the broad, 
macadamized road to Democrisy. H^ begun to hev 
hopes uv him. Various opinions wuz expressed by 
various persons, when, without comin to any con- 
clusion, we separatid. I retired that nite earlier 
than usual, and, dwellin on the chances uv my 
continuin in offis in case uv Grant's accession, I fell 
into a troubled sleep and dreamed a dream. 

Methawt gathered in front uv the White House 
wuz a galliant array uv our friends. There wuz 
Franklin Peerce, and Bookanan, and Vallandigum, 
and the Woods, and Magoffin, and Monroe, and 
Brite, and Breckinridge, and the leaders uv the 
Dimocrisy, all a standin ther lookin wishfully at 
the White House, and wonderin how and by what 
means they cood git in. Johnson, blessins on his 
head, stood onto the portico wavin to 'em to come, 
but alass ! guardin the passage stood a mighty host 
uv Ablishnists, armed and clad in armor, and in 
such force ez to make the storm in uv it hopelis. 



A Consultation at the Corners. 241 

" How shall we get in ? " sighed Belmont. 

"Ah, indeed, how?" ansered Henry Clay Dean. 

" That's the great moral question — how?" ekoed 
Ben. Wood. 

*' My friend," sed Thurlow Weed, " its easy enufF. 
When you can't sore like the eagle, crawl like the 
snake. Sorein is preferable, but crawlin will do at 
a pinch. Is there not the Lion uv the Republic? 
Can't you git him out and mount him ? The Ab- 
lishnists hev a regard for that same Lion, and will 
never discharge ther arrers at you when yoor on his 
back, for fear uv killin- him. Besides, yoor ridin 
him will in some degree doo away with the pre- 
joodis they hev agin yoo." 

" But how kin we mount him?" said they. 

" Trust to us for that," said Weed, and him and 
Raymond trotted off together. 

They got the Lion out, but ez soon ez he cast his 
eyes onto the crowd, he uttered a roar which struck 
terror into their soles, and lashed the ground with 
his tail, and cast up dust with his claws, in a manner 
fearful to behold. 

" He'll never stand it ! " said Weed, " onless he's 

blindfolded," and Thurlow wrapped Raymond like 

a wet dish-rag over his eyes ; and that done, him 

and Randall pared his nails and blunted his teeth 

16 



242 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

(so that ef the bandage should wriggle off and he 
shood see wher he wuz he coodent hurt anybody), 
and shaved his mane, till he looked like a very in- 
nocent Lion indeed, so that his appearance v^oodent 
startle them not used to his fiercenis, and in that 
condishen they led him very quietly down to the 
crowd and give the word to mount. 

Lord ! what a scramble ther wuz. Tha piled on 
from the tip uv his ears to the end uv his tale ; and 
them wich coodent git on for lack of room, hung to 
the feet uv them wich had got on, until it wuz 
nuthin less than a pirrymid of Democrats. 

Finally, when all wuz loaded, the word wuz 
given, and the lion moved off. They wuz delited. 
He hed strength enuff to carry em, and he wuz a 
a carryin em strate to the White House, and at a 
good pase, too. 

Ez they approached the portals, the Ablishin de- 
fenders uv the place opened onto em. 

" Hold 1 " said Weed, " wood you destroy the 
Lion of the Republic ? " 

" Stay yoor hands ! " shreeked Raymond. " The 
savior uv the country is under us." 

But they lafft them to scorn. 

" Ifs Brite and Vallandighum, the Woods, et set- 
try, we're firin at," shreekt they, singin, as they 



A Consultation at the Corners. 243 

fought, "The Battle Cry uv Freedom," "John 
Brown's body lies a mouldin in the grave!" and 
sich other sacriligious odes. " It's them we see, 
and them we'll kill." 

And they belted away, till the whole mass wuz 
stretched dead and dyin on the plain. 

Then they came up and began to turn over the 
corpses, one by one, until at last they came to the 
body uv the Lion, which, peerced thro and thro, 
wuz ez dead ez any uv em. 

"My God!" sed they, " ^V is the Lion after 
all!" 

" And we've slayed him ! " sed another. 

" Well ! " remarkt a third, " we couldent help it. 
He was so kivered up with this carrion that I cood- 
ent make out what it wuz they wuz a ridin. Let us 
give him a decent burial for the good he hez done, 
and forget, if we kin, the company he died in." 

And at this kritikle juncture I awoke. 

I hev an idea I can see a sort uv a warnin in this 
dreem. It occurs to me, — 

I St. That if we do ride Grant, we'll hev to divest 
him uv his mane, teeth, and claws, wich is the 
identical qualities wich makes him valuable to us. 

2d. That with us on his back, we will probably 
succeed in killing bim without savin us. Grant 



244 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

might deodorize a dozen or two uv us, but the 
whole party ! Faugh ! It wood be a pint of co- 
logne to a square mile uv carrion. 

3d. That ef we wuz wrapt all around him, the 
people woodent be able to see him anyhow, and 
wat good wood he do us? 

Interpretin the dream thus, I shel oppose the 
nomination. Besides, I doubt whether all the 
Weeds and Raymonds in the country kin so ma- 
nipulate him ez to bring him quietly into our 
ranks. We mite possibly go over to him, and 
thus git the privilege of votin for him, but where- 
fore ? How about the offisis then ? Ef the Ablish- 
nists vote for him, and we vote for him, the obliga- 
tion is ekal, and between us is ther any doubt w^ich 
he'd chose? I don't want to take sich chances. 
I'm opposed to the movement. I care not what 
others may do, but ez for me, give me straightout 
Dimocrisy or nothing. McClellan was a vencher 
wich satisfied me ez to the propriety uv undertakin 
to set a roarin lion a convoyin a flock uv peaceful 
lambs into green pasters. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



Kentucky and Tennessee Elections. 245 



XXIX. 



The Keiitucky and Tennessee Electioits. — The 
Hopes of the Democracy of the former State. 
— How they expect to hold it. 



J), \ 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
August 16, 1867. 

IT wuz a conjenyel party. Ther wuz me, and 
Deekin Pogram, and Bascom, uv course, — for 
it wuz at Bascom's, — and Capt. McPelter, and 
Issaker Gavitt, and Joe Bigler, who wuz, naterally, 
mischeevusly intoxicated. We hed met to rejoise 
over the result uv the Kentucky eleckshun, and the 
removal uv Stanton and Sheridan, and we rejoist. 
We hed rejoist for several hours, when the Deekin, 
— blessins on his frosty pow, — perposed that we 
take one more drink, to wich we ackseeded with 
alacrity. Ez Bascom handed back the Deekin his 
change, the old man observed among it a most vil- 
lainous counterfeit ten-cent postal currency. " Bas- 
com," sed he, in an injoored tone, " really I can't 
take that -- it's counterfeit." '' Certin 'tis, Deekin," 



246 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

sed George W., " certin ; but what's the odds? Ez 
a matter uv course, Deekin, I'll git it agin afore 
to-morrer. It's evenchooally my loss, ain't it, ez 
I git all the money that floats here ? Carry it till it 
comes around to me, Deekin, in the nateral course 
uv evence. Let us bear each other's burdens, Dee- 
kin? " And Bascom smiled sweetly onto him. 

I don't know when I felt so happy. Kentucky 
hed spoken. "We hed elected Helm by a majority 
of forty odd thousand, and hed with him elected 
a strate State ticket, incloodin all the Congressmen. 
The Ablishnists hed no show watever. The candi- 
dates were strate Demokrats, every one uv em. 
Sum uv em hed bin accoosed uv leanin towards the 
Fedrel side, but they hed, by affidavits, proved their- 
selves troo to the Democrisy. One candidate hed 
bin charged, by a envious cuss, uv hevin furnisht 
the Federal forces with bosses, but he indignantly 
repelled the charge. His enemies brought forrerd 
the documents, showin that he hed furnisht the 
Fedral forces with bosses, and I trembled for him. 
But he smilingly cum to the scratch. He hed con- 
tracted to furnish em with bosses — he hed taken 
their accursed greenbacks, — but wherefore ? Wuz 
it to benefit em? Wuz it to add to the resources 
of the gorrila Linkin, or the reverse ? Let the facts 



Kentucky and Tennessee Elections. 247 

answer. When wuz the hosses delivered? Ha ! 
ha ! Did the Fedral offiser git em? He did. Did 
he keep em ? Alars ! That nite John Morgan, who 
seeled his devoshen to the Confederacy with his 
blood, scooped em, and them hosses, which the Fed- 
rals paid for, did servis in the Confedrit army. He 
wood ask his maligners whether it was sinful for a 
troo Confedrit to take money uv the Fedrals for fur- 
nishin supplies to the Confederacy? Hed these 
hosses remained in the hands uv the farmers uv 
Kentucky, John Morgan wood hev felt a delicacy 
in takin em ; ez the farmers hed hed valyoo receeved 
he wuz free, and he took em. Sich reasonin cood 
not fail to convince, and the candidate wuz, uv 
course, electid. The shafts uv his enemies fell pint- 
less. 

Therefore I felt happy. The waves uv Ablish- 
nism rolled over all the other States, but aginst 
Kentucky they struck harmless. Kentucky is a brite 
oasis in the desert. Built onto Ham and Hager, 
bleevin in the sooperiority uv the white race, and 
that same race holdin in their hands the privilege 
uv sayin who shood and who shood not vote, they 
wuz safe. And we sot in silence, contemplatin our 
happiness. 



248 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



• 



At last Deekin Pogram spoke. He sighed ez he 
spoke. He hed heard uv Tennessee. He hed seen 
the 'lection returns, and he wuz ez much afflicted 
ez we wuz rejoist. " Wherefore," sed he, " shood 
we feel good, while our brethren in Tennessee are 
wailin over ther woes? The nigger with us is in his 
normal speer. Sence tliis eleckshen they bow their 
heads in silence, and dodge by ez ef they we're 
afraid uv us, wich is a good sign. They hev lost 
the airs they assoomed afore, and are more like slaves 
and less like men. I hev twelve uv em a sweatin 
on my farm, and four expatiatin the cuss uv Noer 
in my kitchen. The men yield to the power uv the 
stronger race, and the females bow meekly to ther 
destiny. Tom, my oldest son, is happy, and stays 
at home, and my other sons is ez contentid ez they 
kin be. But it is not so in Tennessee. There they 
are not normal. There white men bow beneath a 
power they can't resist. There the nigger holds 
up his hed, and the Confedrit white man sneaks. 
There the abnormel nigger hez a vote, and the 
white man, who follered his State, is disfranchised. 
My God ! how kin a man be happy under sich cir- 
cumstances? How kin a Dimokrat rejoice when 
jist across the line he sees Liberty weepin, prostrate, 



Kentucky and Tennessee Elections. 249 

and the white man, who struck for his rites, pinin 
becoz uv his deprivashen uv the rite uv suffrage? " 

He cood feel good over Kentucky, but he wept 
over Tennessee. 

Bascom remarkt that he, too, felt for Tennessee, 
but he wuz consoled. Kentucky hed proved troo, 
and Johnson, one worthy son uv Tennessee, hed 
removed Stanton ! Wat more cood we want? Ken- 
tucky hed gone Dimocratic, and Johnson hed re- 
moved Stanton — 

" And Tennessee hed elected Brownlow, and 
Johnson hez appinted Grant," whispered Joe 
Bigler. 

" And," spoke up McPelter, " and Sheridan is 
removed." 

" Troo ! Troo ! " retorted Bigler, " and put 
Thomas in his place. The man who whaled us 
in the Shenandoah Valley is deposed to make 
room for the man wat whaled us in Tennessee." 

This bit us. This griped us. This is wuss nor 
a cathartic to us. Ef Kentucky is oil, Tennessee is 
aquafortis. Ef Stanton is soothin, Grant is pizen. 
Wherin are we better with the one than with the 
other? is a question wich we askt ourselves over 
and over agin. 

But we felt good after all. Tennessee is to the 



250 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Democracy a dark cloud, but Kentucky is the silver 
lining to it. Ef no Confedrits wuz allowed to vote 
in Tennessee, thank the Lord no other kind wuz 
permitted to hist in ballots in Kentucky. The troo, 
sterlin Democracy uv Tennessee may suffer, and it 
is probable that they will suffer. There the Ethi- 
opian votes by State law, but Kentucky is herself 
alone. Kentucky will never be so afflicted. Ken- 
tucky hez yet the makin uv her own laws. She 
will let them vote ez she sees fit, and none others. 
Relyin on Ham and Hager, she will deny the nig- 
gers that rite, and will keep the power in her own 
hands. Congris dassent interfere. Thad Stevens 
may howl, but he's lost his holt. Congris dassent 
make a law prescribin the rite uv suffrage, and sayin 
who shel and who shel not vote, for Congris is Con- 
servative. Thad Stevens may shreek, but Congris 
ain't eddicatid up to the pint uv keepin within hailin 
distance uv ther own principles. Congris hed ruther 
see them wich adhered to the forchunes uv the Fed- 
erel Goverment sunk than to exercise its power, for 
so far the matter hez bin left to the States. Like- 
wise wood it ruther see every nigger in Kentucky, 
no matter tho they wuz all survivors uv Fort Filler, 
redoost agin to ther normal condishen ruther than 
give em the means uv pertectin themselves. The 



Kentucky and Tennessee Elections. 251 

nigger may be a man in Tennessee, but he shel be 
a nigger in Kentucky forever, becoz it alluz hez 
bin so. Bless the Lord ! That idea uv holdin to 
form and clinging to precedent is our salvashen. I 
begged em all to dismiss ther fears. Ohio is hag- 
glin and bogglin ez to whether it will give her nig- 
gers the ballot ; and ef she refooses, how kin she 
interfere with Kentucky? Congris dassent mix in 
the matter, for half the men that's sent to Washinton 
hev a greater fear uv shadders than they hev uv sub- 
stance, and they sleep with that old hag Precedent, 
when they mite ez well repose in the arms uv the 
virgin Progress. They've got holt uv the tail uv an 
idea that's too big for em, — they can't manage it 
from that end, and they're afraid to ketch it at the 
other. 

We shell do well for a long time. We can't 
afford to shed tears over Tennessee — let us thank 
the Lord that Kentucky is safe. Here we kin flog 
our niggers, — here we shel hev the Institooshen in 
sperit, ef not in name, — here Dimocrasy kin flour- 
ish, ef nowhere else. Let us be thankful that it is 
ez it is. Let us praise the Lord for a Congris that 
acted ez a drag on the sperit uv the times, and hedn't 
pluck enuff to do all that the people wantid. Let 
us praise the Lord for the conservatism wich wood- 



252 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

ent let em make votin a nashnel matter, instid of 
leavin it to us who know so well who to give it to, 
and who not. So long ez we're left to ourselves, 
so long will Kentucky be troo to Dimocrisy. 

They felt encouraged, and the convocation broke 
up feelin good. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



A Visit to New Orleans. 253 



XXX. 

Mr. ISFasby goes to JVezv Orleans to acquaint tJie 
President's Frie7ids with the Contemplated 
Chaitge. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads ^ 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 

August 20, 1867. J 

IWUZ a settin all so pleasant in the Post Offis 
last nite, a musin onto the mutability uv human 
affairs, when I received the foUerin despatch, per 
boy on a mule, from the stashen : — 

"Washington, August 19, 1867. 
«' To P. V. Nasby, &c. : 

" Hev determined to be President or nothin. Shel 
remove Stanton, and immejitly thereafter Sheridan, 
and ultimately the ballence uv em. Go on to Noo 
Orleens, and make this known to our frends. Draw 
on the general fund for expenses. A. J." 

Wat a thrill run thro me ez I red this ! I never 
felt so good but wunst before in my life. I wuz in 



254 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

an inteerior town in Massachusetts four days, wher 
the most stimulatin bevrage wuz root beer. The 
occasion when I felt better than I did on the receet 
uv that despatch wuz the identikle minit I struck 
Noo York and stood afore a bar. O, wat a pleasin, 
soothin, magnetic thrill run thro my veins ez the 
golden likquid gurgled down my esoffagus ! Jest 
so I thrilled at reedin that despatch. My thot-con- 
tracted brow smoothed agin, .the wrinkles of care 
left my face, and I wuz a boy wunst more ! 

I left immejitly, and after a pleasant journey 
reached Noo Orleens. 

I hed no trouble in finding them to whom I wuz 
accredited; If there's a divinity wich doth hedge 
a king, ther must be suthin also in the face uv a troo 
Dimekrat wich betrays him. I wuz foUered to my 
hotel by a crowd uv the first men uv the city, and 
when they saw my name onto the register, 'the 
scene wuz terrific. They knowd me ! they knowd 
my comin wuzn't for nothin, and afore I hed time 
to say nay, I wuz hurried to the " Lost Coz " Club 
Rooms, and made an onorary member for life, in- 
cloodin the freedom uv the bar, wich privilege I 
prized. 

" Wat nooze from Washinton ? " shouted they all 
witli one akkord. 



A Visit to New Orleans. 255 

" Calm yourselves ! " sed I, impressively, " and 
restrane yoor emoshens. Four days ago I receeved 
this," and I read 'em the dispatch. Never shel I 
witnis anuther sich a sceen. Old men danced like 
yooth, while young men wept like wimmen. 

" Excoose us, sir," sed one ; " this weepin is on- 
manly, but ah, did yoo know wat I hev suffered ! 
Sence last Joon, a year, I hevn*t killed a nigger nor 
a preecher, and hev only knocked two uv 'em down, 
and for them two I wuz imprisoned three months 
each. But, thank God, I'm free agin — I'm free!" 
and he fell onto my neck, and askt me to take a drink 
with him, which, fearin the effex uv irritashen on 
him, in his present eggsitable state uv mind, I did. 

I wuz askt ef I hed ever bin in Noo Orleens, and, 
on sayin that I hedn't, my friend accompanied me 
to the many objeks uv interest in the city. 

" Here," sed he, " is the buildins in wich Beast 
Butler receeved the surrender uv the cit}'', and where 
he signed the order for the hangin uv Mumford. 
Subsekently, in this same room, the tother beast, 
Sheridan, took his orders from Mayor Monro and 
Abell. Ha ! ha ! 'twuz retribushen," and he smiled 
grimly several minits. " Here is the hall where 
Dostie and his Ablishn hordes gathered over a year 
ago, and from wich Dostie wuz carried a corpse. 



256 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

At that angle in the bildin I, with this good rite 
hand, slew three niggers and a Burow preecher. 
Right here, where we are standin, a cart containin 
the killed came along. I wuz eggsited and infu- 
riated at their obstinacy in holdin the Convenshen. 
In my revolver there wuz one load — in the cart 
under the corpses wuz a nigger, groanin. I mounted 
the cart, and turned over the corpses — the wounded 
nigger had on a bloo cote — inflamed with rage at 
the site I pulled the trigger, and he groaned no 
more." 

" Glorious sperit ! " sed I, in eggstacy, wringin 
his hand. 

"Just in front uv wher we stand thirty odd nig- 
gers wuz killed, and one or two uv them Burow 
teachers. It don't become me to say how many I 
killed, but I wan't idle. In three weeks thereafter I 
received my pardon from the President, and am 
now, thank God, a citizen." 

By this time we reached the Club again, and for 
hours I listened to tales of oppression on the part 
of the military satraps, wich made my blood run 
cold. A citizen hed shot a nigger — and forthwith 
he wuz torn from the buzzum uv his family and in- 
karserated in the common prizen ! Another's wife 
hed throwd a buckit uv bilin water over a wench in 



A Visit to New Orleans. 257 

the street, uv wich the perverse creacher died, and 
she, too, wuz arrested. Policemen hed bin dis- 
charged for refoosin to arrest men whose spirits 
coodent brook nigger ekality, and who hed banged 
em about somewhat ; and others had bin dismisst 
for hurrahin for Jeff Davis and pullin down Fedral 
flags. Ther hed bin no Hberty uv speech nor ack- 
shen. This Club Room hed bin invaded, and pistols 
and shot guns hed bin taken out by these despots, 
wich wuz a grindin the citizens into the dust. But 
the most oppressive case wuz that uv one uv our 
first citizens, who hed a girl in his family who wood 
persist in attendin skools after he hed postively for- 
bid her doin so. He tied her up, and in the most 
patriarchal manner gave her one hundred and four- 
teen lashes. She wuz obstinit and died. He gave 
her a Chrischen berriel, but nevertheless he wuz 
pulled up, and fined and imprizened ! Fined and 
imprizend for wallopin a nigger ! 

Then biznis commenced. Lists were bein made 
out, the purport uv wich I comprehendid. " Enter 
up," sed one, oilin a revolver, " the nest uv niggers 
on the alley jist around the corner from my house. 
They hev ther a chapel, in wich they hev preechin 
Sundays, and skools doorin the week. Aside from 
the annoyance it is to my family, it's really dangerous. 
17 



258 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Two hundred nigger children attend it, beside the 
adult nigger classes." 

" Enter up," sed another, cleanin out a shot-gun, 
" a grocer on the same street. He is from Iowa, 
and teaches a Sunday skool class in that same 
chapel. Sich incendiaries we kin never tolerate." — 
" There's a nigger church two squares from me wich 
must be abated," sed another ; " and, by the way, 
a agent uv the nigger missionary ^sosiety and two 
teachers from Connecticut boards next door. Put 
em down." — " In my part uv the city," sed another, 
" there's four nigger draymen who hev bin suffishent- 
ly impudent to scrape together enufF to buy ground 
and build em houses. Don't forget to put em down 
— don't. They are niggers and hev houses. I," he 
added, bitterly, " I am a white man, and hev 
none. Put em down. When Sheridan goes ! 
ha! ha!" 

And so on. The sekretary entered the names ez 
fast ez they wuz furnisht him, until the name uv 
every man suspectid uv Yankee perclivities wuz 
registered. The niggers wuz not put down, 'ceptin 
them uv sich prominence ez they desired to make 
shoor uv. It is considered entirely safe to kill a nig- 
ger anywhere. Sum uv em desired to make excep- 
shuns in favor uv certin niggers who cood be de- 



A Visit to New Orleans. 



259 



pendid upon ez troo. One uv em kep a keno, 
and t'other a faro bank. But they wuz rooled out. 
The niggers, it wuz desided, wuzn't to be trustid. 
Their impudence, in persumin to keep faro banks, 
was friteful. 

The next day, brite and early, I wuz at the Club, 
when I receeved another despatch. The members 
flockt around me. "Is it done?" shreekt they. 
*'Is Stanton out?" 

" He is," sed I, slowly, " he is, but — " 
" But what? Oh, releeve our suspense ! " 
" But Grant is in ! " returned I, droppin the mes- 
sage, and sinkin on a sofa in a brown study. But 
they wuz delited. 

" It's better than we hoped," sed they. " Grant 
hez come over at last. Bless the Lord ! His name 
will give the administration strength." They cheerd 
like loonatics. 

Finally, one mornin I got a despatch that Sheri- 
dan wood be releeved that day, and the enthoosiasm 
biled up agin — this time I shared in it, for I felt 
that that wuz trooly suthin. It wuz impossible to 
restrane the gentle lambs uv the Club any longer. 
Ez a sort of a lunch, preceding the feast that wuz 
to come, they sallied out and made it lively for sich 
niggers ez they cood git safely near to. At noon 



26o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

the next dispatch came to me. The entire member- 
ship uv the Club wuz gathered around, impashent 
to hear me sound the glad tidins over Egypt's dark 
sea. I broke the seal. 

" Sheridan is removed this day ! — " 
" Ror ! Ror ! Ror ! " cheered the Club. 
" And Thomas is appinted in his place ! " 
So read the despatch. There w^uz nary a cheer 
follered it. The most death-like silence pervaded 
the rooms. One by one the members skulked out 
to settle with the niggers whose heds they hed bustid 
in the mornin, and to ashoor em it wuz all a joke. 
The lists wuz destroyed, and the revolvers and shot- 
guns wuz all packed away. At a meetin held im- 
mejitly, the follerin resolooshens wuz passed : — 

" Resolved^ That it is possible for men whose 
faith is bigger nor a grain uv mustard seed, to 
hev confidence in President Johnson, but ourn is 
gin out. 

" Resolved^ That we asked him for bread, and he 
give us a stone ; we asked him for an egg, and he 
give us a scorpion. 

" Resolved^ That a committee uv two be appoint- 
ed to toss up for the difference between Sheridan 
and Thomas, and another to figger up wherein we 



A Visit to New Orleans. 261 

are better off under Grant than we wuz under 
Stanton. 

" Resolved^ That the President, in awakenin 
hopes only to dash em to the ground, is guilty 
uv a crooel disregard uv our feelins. 

'-'- Resolved^ That if he is ever goin to do any- 
thing for us, why don't he do it? and — " 

At this pint another despatch came. I was too 
much affected to read it, and I passt it to the Presi- 
dent. " Hell ! " sed he. " Gentle sirs, hunt yer 
holes. Thomas is sick and won't come, and Sher- 
idan is goin to stay after all." 

Concludin that my offishel duties prevented me 
from makin a longer stay in Noo Orleans, I has- 
tened North agin with all speed. Jest ez I wuz 
leavin the city I got another despatch, statin that 
Hancock wuz appinted to Sheridan's place. I 
didn't consider the nooze sufBshently cheerin to 
indoose me to go back agin. I feel that men uv 
my opinions is safer in Kentucky than any where 
else. Kentucky didn't secede, and therefore within 
her borders secesshenists are safe. Thank the Lord 
for Kentucky. 

They don't do Johnson justice down there, tho. 
He wood help em if he cood, but he can't. Con- 



262 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

gris tied his hands. He kin appint this man or 
that man, but both this man and that man are 
bound to execoot the . law. Wat kin the Presi- 
dent do? 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postm aster). 



The Amnesty Proclamation. 26-^ 



XXXI. 



The Amnesty Proclamation. — A Cabinet Consul- 
tation over it. — The Safety of the President 
from, Imfeachmetit. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) 
September 10, 1867. 



•} 



IWUZ brot to Washinton by a despatch. His 
Eggslency bed at last determined to put his 
foot down — to assert his power, and to take meas- 
ures sich ez wood bring to the top, where they 
properly belong, that large class uv the citizens uv 
the Republic who wuz engaged in the little onpleas- 
antnis, wich the Ablishnists took advantage uv to 
deprive em uv their rites, and to keep em from 
exercisin the inflooence in the government they are, 
and alluz wuz, entitled to. In short, ez Congress 
wuz adjourned, and coodent, by no means, be got 
together till November, the President wuz convinced 
that it wuz his dooty to improve his time, and be 
reelly President. 



264 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

The consultation over the Proclamation wuz long 
and painful. Binckley, who is now runnin the gov- 
ernment mostly, hed written the whereases, wich is 
the most uv the document. Seward hed taild onto 
em the Proclamation proper, wich wuz so small ez 
to give it a tad-pole appearance, and it wuz to be 
discussed. All uv em wuz in favor uv it but me. 
Ez anxious ez I wuz for the liberashen uv our 
friends in the Southern States ; ez anxious ez I wuz 
to give that blessid saint, Deekin Pogram, a chance 
to wallop a nigger agin afore he died, without bein 
interfered with by a bloo-coated hirelin, I still hed 
a dread. " Dare yoo," sed I, " go further in this 
biznis? isn't impeachment at the end uv it, ef yoo 
stir up this matter? And with Wade in the Presi- 
denshel chair — my God ! Pollock wood hev my 
post offis ! My liege, I hed a dream last nite. Me- 
thawt — " 

" Go on with the dream," sed his Eggslency. 
" Go on, and I will be yoor Joseph to interpret it." 

" Kin yoo assoom the caracter uv Joseph and 
carry it out," sed Randall, " with Mrs. Cobb in 
Washinton?" 

This interupshen preventid me from narratin my 
dreem, so I resoomed at the pint at wich I wuz 
interruptid. "And my opinion is the opinion uv 



The Amnesty Proclamation. 265 

all yoor appintees. The offis-holder is naterally a 
Conservative. Agitashun, my liege, mite shake us 
out uv our places. On yoo we hang, — yoo are our 
hope, our anker, and our cheefest trust." 

And my remarks, wich I delivered with a trem^ 
blin voice, and with teers a rollin down my fur- 
rowed cheeks — I felt the solemnity uv the occasion, 
for wat cood I do ef turned out into the cold world 
at my age ? — wuz receeved with peals uv lafture. 

*' My deer sir ! " sed A. J. ; " yoor innosence sur- 
prises me. Impeach me ! Never, so long ez filial 
and family love is a distinguishin carakteristic uv 
the leedin minds uv America, — never, so long ez 
a senator hez a nephew to provide for, or a brother 
who wants a place. Ah ! that love uv blood rela- 
shuns ! Wat a beautiful thing it is 1 And how 
strong is the marriage relation wich prompts a man, 
when he hez promised to love, cherish, and protect 
a wife, to go cherishin and protectin all her brothers' 
and her sisters' children — the love goin frekently, 
like leprosy, to the third generashun I Thank the 
Lord for it. It's my only holt I Set yoor mind at 
eeze by peroozin these," and he tost me a bundle 
uv letters, neatly done up, and labelled " Letters 
from Radicle Members uv the House and Senit." 

A lite dawned onto me ez I opened the first one. 



266 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

It wuz from a distinguished Senator, and read, ez 
near ez I kin remember now, thus : — 

" Senit Chamber, March 6, 1867. 

" To THE President : Notwithstandin the slite 
difference uv opinion that may egzist between us on 
certin minor questions uv public policy, and despite 
the unguarded expressions I may hev indulged in in 
the heet uv debate, I kin trooly say that I hev ever 
cherished the most endoorin faith in the rectitood 
uv yoor intenshuns, the honesty uv yoor purpose, 
and the purity uv yoor motives. I hev a nephew 
in my State who desires the posishen uv Assessor 
uv Internal Revenoo. He is capable and honest; 
and while he hez alluz voted the Republican ticket, 
he hez dun it so mildly ez not to be objeckshenable to 
those who differ with him. Indeed, last fall he wuz 
accoosed, and perhaps justly, uv votin for a candi- 
date for Congress who wuz a supporter uv yoor 
policy, wich, tho I do not in all respecks accept, 
hez, I must acknowledge, many pints in it to rec- 
ommend it to a discriminatin people. I shood 
esteem his nominashen a persnal favor. 

" With sentimence uv the most profound respect 
and esteem, I remain admirinly, yours, 



The Amnesty Proclamation. 267 

** P. S. It is, I trust, onnecessary for me to 
state that I regard all projecks of impeechment ez 
wild, visionary, onnecessary, and dangerous ; and no 
sich projeck kin ever reseeve my support. I forgot 
to menshen that a brother uv mine, who hez never 
taken a part in politics, and hez, therfore, his opin- 
yuns to organize, wood gladly accept any posishen 
under the Government, and a brother-in-law wood- 
ent be averse to simlar employment. It's a matter 
uv no consekence to yoo, uv coorse, but I shel 
oppose the reassemblin uv Congress till the regler 
time in December. I am inflexibly opposed to 
establishin dangerous precedents. Shood yoo make 
the appintments I desire, I kin git em confirmed 
by the Senit, ez well ez an ekal number uv yoor 
own appintments. In matters uv this kind ther 
must be compromises." 

In my surprise I uttered a prolonged whistle. 
" Them appintments wuz made," sed His Eggs- 
lency, with a sardonicle smile. " Them appint- 
ments wuz made. Read another — there's a varied 
and well-selected assortment uv em. The Senit is 
my fish-pond. I drop my hook therein, baited with 
a Assessorship, and bless me, how they bite at it ! 
Go on." 



368 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

" Senit Chamber, March 7, 1867. 
" To THE President : I am, ez yoo are aware, 
known ez a Radical ; but between generous foes 
there kin be none of that terrible spirit uv blind 
hate which characterizes some uv my associates, 
who shel be here nameless. I will say, however, 
that if the Senators from Massachoosets, and some 
others I cood menshun, wood resine or die, they 
wood confer a favor upon the country. I oppose 
3^ou becoz I differ with yoo, ez does my State ; but 
that opposishen hez never lessened my high admira- 
shen uv your patriotism, yoor even temper, or the 
many good qualities uv your head and heart, wich 
shine out so conspickuous. I hale you ez a worthy 
successor uv the first A. J. I hed not intended to 
mix things persnel to myself in this friendly triboot, 
but will do violence to my feelins by observin that 

the posishun uv Collector at is admirably 

adapted to a cousin uv mine, whose talence ez a 
lawyer hez never bin appreciated by those who 
know him best. He agrees with me. that impeach- 
ment is not to be thot uv, and that sessions uv Con- 
gress, other than reglar ones, is uselis. Shood yoo 
be pleased to make the appintment, I shel be proud 
to return the favor in any way possible. Ef it 
woodent be askin too much, a son uv mine wood 



The Amnesty Proclamation. 269 

be glad to serve his country ez a Inspector uv 
Revenoo. Inherltin from me devoshun to our com- 
mon country, he burns to devote himself to her 
service. 

" With sentiments uv profound respect, 
" I am, yours, as ever, 



" Them appintments wuz made also," sed the 
great man, " and three or four more throvvd in 
when he found how cheep he cood get em. He 
visited me after I hed given him all he asked for, 
and we hed a frendly interchange uv views. He 
persisted in differin with me ; but ez we partid, I 
askt him ef ther wuzn't jist one more appintment 
he wanted? Jist one more? Throwin himself on 
my neck, he exclaimed, ' Not one ! Not one ! My 
brothers, my brothers-in-law, my nephews, and the 
doubtful members uv the Legislacher, wich finally 
concloodid to vote for me, are all provided for.* 
Bless the Lord for the appintin power ! The biznis 
uv tradin birth-rites for messes uv pottage, begun 
with Esaw; but, thank Heven, it didn't end with 
him." 

It wuz unnecessaiy for me to read more. I hed 
seen enuff to satisfy me that the integrity uv one 



270 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

third uv the Senit wuz rather honey-combed, and, 
like a rusty muskit, not strong enuff at the breech 
to bear a severe trial without danger uv bustin. I 
sav7 precisely wat wuz the rock on wich we stood, 
and what a citadel it wuz. Kin these men, with 
these letters in the hands uv our respected cheef, 
and ther relatives all a drawin rashens, turn and 
rend the hand. wich feeds em? Good I do it? — 
and ain't they even ez I am? 

And so the proclamashen wuz ishood, and I went 
home a feelin good. We shall yet wallop niggers 
in Kentucky, ; we shel yet redoose em to ther nor- 
mal speer ; our afflicted brethren in Tennessee 
will yet vote, and them not amnestied will be 
speshly pardoned ez ther superior merits deserve, 
and with all ther will be no impeachment. For 
where the carkis is, ther will be the buzzards also, 
and we hev the control uv the carkis. Some uv the 
buzzards are so gorged with carkis that their eyes 
is shut — enuff uv em to inshoor our posishen till 
the end uv our term. It is well with us. 

Petroleum V. NArsv, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



The Suffrage Question. 271 



XXXII. 



Mr, Nashy details his Adventures in a strong 
Democratic County in Southern Ohio, — The 
Suffrage Question in that Part of the Demo- 
cratic Heritage. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Ke 
September 20; 



Roads \ 
ntuckj), \ 
, 1867. J 



LAST week I wuz invited to go into Ohio to assist 
my brethren uv that State. The Massedonian 
cry reached me, " Come and help us ! " and ez the 
cry w^uz coupled with the asshoorance that I shood 
be pervided for, I heeded it. Couple Massedonian 
cries with whiskey, and I can't resist em. I never 
try. I knowd there wuzn't much difference atween 
the Dimocrisy uv Ohio and Kentucky, but I wuz 
onprepared for the strikin resemblance I found. 
Twins is not more similar. My ist appintment 
wuz in a purely Dimekratic County. It wuz a 
settlement after my own heart, and the minit my 



273 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

practist eye restid onto it, my sole leaped for jo3\ 
It wuz a town wich hed bin some day the seat uv 
bizniss, but a ralerode runnin some nine miles to 
one side uv it hed cut off its trade, and the inhab- 
itants hevin nothin to do, the better part uv em went 
with the trade. Nacher abhors a vacuum, and there 
rushed in sich as found it diffikult to live elsewhere. 
The whole population, hevin much leisure, fell to 
pitchin coppers, wich, to make the game excitin, 
they pitched for drinks. Pitchin for drinks soon 
rendered em incapable uv more violent exercise ; 
and in a year from the time the trade left em, it 
wus the strongest and most intense Democratic town 
in the State. Ez they must eat suthin, and ez the 
groseries coodent run perpetooally without money, 
they hed occasional spasms uv labor. Then wood 
their feelins be lasseratid. Then wood they look 
over to the Kentucky shore, and see thousands uv 
jest sich men ez theirselves a spendin their lives in 
one unendin round uv copper-pitchin, hoss-racin, 
and poker-playin, the nigger meanwhile a sweatin 
to furnish the means, and they wood break out into 
murmurin at the crooel fate wich cast their lot 
where every man wuz forst to sweat for hisself, 
and the cuss of labor coodent be filled by proxy. 



The Suffrage Question. 273 

Their proximity to Kentucky tantalized em. They 
wood hev all gone there cood they hev raised enufF 
to buy a nigger apeece, but they coodent. There 
wuz a most deliteful look uv serene repose about 
the place wich charmed me. Nothin stood uprite. 
The sign-post uv the tavern hed bin leaned agin so 
much that it hed contracted the same habit ; the 
bosses, from a too rigid economy in the matter uv 
oats, wuz leanin agin the side uv the barns ; the 
shutters on the groseries hung cornerin across the 
winders, in consekence uv the lower hinges bein 
broke ; the clapboards on the houses all hangin by 
a single nail at one end, presented any but a reglar 
appearance ; and the men were all either sittin on 
store boxes, or leanin agin watever possessed suf- 
fishent strength to keep em up. 

I wuz enthoosiastically reseeved. The town wuz 
excited on two questions, i. Taxation. 2. Nigger 

Equality. The Cheerman uv the deputashun wuz 
the most cheerin style uv Demokrat I hed seen for 
years. His independent hair hed pushed" its way 
thro the top uv his hat and bristled in all directions, 
biddin defiance to the world ; his toes protroodin 
from his shoes, and his trowsers hangin lop-sided 
by one suspender, indicated a sovereign contempt 
for appearances. He begged me, with tears streemin 
18 



274 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

down his eyes, to rouse the people agin the dangers 
wich threaten! em. " Think," sed he, " uv the 
hundreds uv thousands uv millions, wich we, the 
people, are forced to pay in taxes to the General 
Government, and rouse em to the necessity uv 
ackshen ! " 

" I will," sed I, " I will. State to me the amount 
uv taxes paid the tyranikle government in this 
Arcajen spot, that I may hev the data from wich 
to speek." 

" Taxes ! " returned this patriot, with an amazed 
look onto his countenance, " taxes ! We don't pay 
any taxes here. The Assessor came here two years 
ago, and findin nothin to assess, hezn't considered it 
worth while to come since. But, good Lord, our 
hearts bleeds for these unfortinit victims uv Ablishn 
policy wich hev suthin, and is forced to pay onto it ! 
The people is bein ground into dust by taxashen." 
And the old man wept bitter tears at the miseries 
uv the sitooashen uv the people. What techin be- 
nevolence ! 

On the question uv nigger ekality, I found em at 
a most deliteful heat. They hed seen the terrors 
uv it, and know'd whereof they spoke. Niggers 
hed come from Kentucky across the river to em, and 
instid uv acceptin their normal speer, and yieldin 



The Suffrage Question. 275 

quietly to the irresistible decrees uv Heven, wich 
made em the inferiors uv the white, they hed, the 
moment they accumulatid suthin to live on, as- 
soomed the airs uv ekality. They refoosed to keep 
their places. The Cheerman remarkt, ez showin 
the stubborn cussedness uv the race, that one uv em 
lived some months next to him. He (the Cheer- 
man) borrored pork on sevral occashens uv him, 
twict a bakin uv flour, and, on one occashen, nine 
dollars uv the misrable rags wich we are forst, by a 
tyranikle Government, to accept ez money. That 
nigger hed the soopreme impudence to insist on bein 
pade ! and even talked uv sooin for it. But, on con- 
sultin a lawyer, he didn't, owin to the oncertainty 
ez to who wood hev to pay the costs. Another in- 
stance. " A nigger, wich wuz neerly white, settled 
in the visinity. He hed not only a daughter, but a 
farm. My son sores. Labor he despises, as a occu- 
pashen only fit for serfs. He proposed to woo this 
nigger's daughter. It wuz a struggle with me. 
My son marryin a female wich hed the accursed 
blood uv Ham in her vanes ! But Jimuel, my son, 
sir, threw dirt in my eyes. About sixty akers uv 
dirt. I thot uv the pleasant time I cood hev a livin 
on that farm — uv the days devoid uv labor, and the 
evenins filled with ease, and after a severe ethno- 



276 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

logikle struggle with my feelins, I consented. I 
wantid to take keer uv that nigger. Pity in him ez 
an inferior bein, loaded, in his abnormal condishen, 
with responsibilities wich he cood not be expected 
to discharge, I would hev taken charge uv his af- 
fares. I wood — my son Jimuel and I — hev man- 
aged his farm, and his stock, and sich. Alas ! Jimuel 
nienshuned the matter to the Ethiopian, sir, and with 
wat result? He was ignominiously kickt out uv the 
house, sir. He wuz d — d, sir, for a drunken broot, 
by a nigger, wich threatened, if he. ever showed his 
pimpled — pimpled wuz the word — face about there 
agin, he'd break every bone in his body. Sir, this 
is becomin unsupportable. They must be dragged 
down to our level. My proud Caucashen blood re- 
volts. There must be a inferior race, and it's us or 
the nigger. The Injen is out uv the question, ez 
there ain't any of them here to be inferior. I 
wouldn't mind the Injen, but there ain't none. It's 
the nigger or nothin. Give him the ballot, sir, and 
what'U distinguish us? Speek with a angel's tongue 
onto this theme, I beg." 

The meetin wuz a glorious one, and my speech 
one uv my most movin efforts. My perorashen 
moved me to tears. It wuz on nigger suffrage. 
Depictin its untold horrors, I begged em to organ- 



The Suffrage Question. 277 

ize — to rally wunst more agin this common enemy. 
" There is," sed I, " seven thousand nigger males in 
the State uv Ohio. Shel we peril the liberties uv 
the State by permittin them to approach the ark uv 
our safety — the ballot-box? Shel we raise em to 
the pint uv bein our ekals ? Shel we marry em and 
give em in marriage? Shel we contaminate the 
pure streem uv Anglo-Saxon blood by muddlin it 
with the turbid streem uv — " 

At that pint I stopt. My eyeballs wuz seared. 
Joe Bigler, wich I sposed wuz a hundred miles 
away in Kentucky, wuz up in the aujence. 

" Agreein," sed he, " with wat the speeker is 
sayin, I beg to ask a question for enlitenment. I 
am a Kentuckian." 

" Ror for Kentucky ! " 

Bowin, Bigler perceeded. There wuz a lurkin 
devil in his eye wich afflicted me. 

" Ef I understand the speeker, he holds that the 
nigger, ef permitted to vote, becomes so much our 
soshel ekal that we must take him to our buzzums 
— that we must marry the females, and our gushen 
daughters forthwith tie themselves to the males uv 
that accussid race. Is it so ? " 

" It is ! " retorted I. 

" My blood biles when I think uv it. Ef I recol- 



278 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

lect arite, the laws iiv Ohio permits all niggers to 
vote who are only half black. Ez there are a good 
many mulattos in this region, the produx uv the 
loose ekality uv the races over the river, there must 
have bin, ever sence that law passed, much uv that 
kind uv marryin here. May I be permitted to ask 
this oppressed people, who hev suffered so from this 
unnatural state of affairs, how they like it? Is yoor 
wife a nigger, sir?" sed he, addressin the Sekretary, 
*' and ef so, don't yoo feel the humiliatin posishen 
yoor in, compelled, ez you wuz, by the force uv 
Dimokratic circumstances, to marry her, to take her 
to yoor buzzum, the minit her father got a vote? 
It's enuff to drive a man into Ablishnism to es- 
cape it. My brethren," sed this Bigler, " I'd advise 
yoo all to abjoor Dimocrisy. Up North, the minit 
the nigger gits a vote, yoo are forced to legal mis- 
segenashun ; down South, the affinity Dimocrisy 
hez for niggers hez bleached out the race to the 
color uv molasses. There's no hope for yoo, save 
in Ablishnism, wich hez the happy fakulty uv doin 
justis to em without marryin em I " And he stalkt 
out. 

It didn't make no difference. They didn't know 
what he wuz talkin about. The word " missege- 
nashen " struck em with amazement, from wich they 



The Suffrage Question. 279 

didn't recover till we left. In speakin to such au- 
jences, men must be keerful uv the words they 
yoose. 

I finisht my speech. The meetin then resolved 
they wuz better than niggers ; that they never wood 
consent to be taxed for the benefit uv purse-proud 
aristocrats ; that the bonds shood be taken up with 
greenbax ; that there shood be a return to specie 
payment to-wunst ; and that they were willin to 
give millions, ef need be, to resist usurpashen, 
but not one cent in taxes in a imconstitooshnel 
manner. 

This resolooshn wuz passed, when a colleckshn 
wuz taken up to pay for the candles. But, alas! 
There wuzn't nary a cent in the house, and I hed 
to pay for em myself. Another little insident didn't 
please me. The State Central Committee hed fur- 
nisht me, ez it does all its speakers, with a twenty 
dollar gold piece and a fifty dollar bond, wich I 
wuz to exhibit, to show the difference atween Ab- 
lishn and Democratic money. I shoved em at the 
people, and it excited em to madnis. I laid em on 
the table afore me. When the meetin wuz ad- 
journed they wuz gone! Who took em? I know 
not, but this I do know, that the Cheerman uv the 
meetin hed, next mornin, a new pare of shoes and 



28o Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

a hat, and wuz a talkin doubtfully uv the propriety 
uv taxin bonds. I go from here to Pennsylvania, to 
fill some appintments in that State. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



The Antietam Dedication. 281 



XXXIII. 



The Antietam Dedication. — A Consultation over 
the Speech of the President^ and the Manner 
in which it was shorn of its fair Proportions. 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
September 30, 1867. 



} 



FROM Ohio to Washington ! Ther is nary- 
peace for me ! The sole uv my foot knows 
no rest. Wher Democresy is in danger, ther am I. 
I wuz called to Washinton to consult with the 
friends uv the President in regard to the Anteetam 
Dedicashun. The part his Eggslency wuz to take 
in that affair — wat he wuz to say — what others 
wuz to say, ez well ez who wuz to say it, wuz a 
matter wich required not only 'profound thought, 
but the most careful considerashun. Hence I wuz 
called. 

I found assembled the entire Cabnet, with the 
addishen uv Binckley ; a gentleman recently arrived 



282 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

from a foreign mission, named McCracken ; Gov. 
Swann uv Maryland, Ex-Gov. Bradford ; the poet 
of the day, Gen. McPounder, late uv Lee's staff, 
now uv the Maryland Melishy ; Kernel Screw, 
ditto, and twelve or twenty more who hed held 
posishens uv trust and profit under the Confedracy, 
and who wuz now holdin correspondin posishens 
under the Govner uv Maryland, all of wich wuz a 
discussin the various pints involved in this matter. 
The President hed prepared a speech wich kivered 
thirty-eight pages uv legle cap paper, and it was 
segested that he reed it. In the impressive manner 
for which he is celebrated he began : — 

" Fellow Countrymen — " 

" I object to that fraze," said General McPounder. 
*' It's liable to misconstrucshun. Sposin that upon 
that stand shood be them wich, doorin the fratrisidle 
struggle wich lost me my niggers, wuz in the Fedral 
army? I object to bein considerd the fellows uv 
sich." 

The objeckshun wuz finally got over by the Pres- 
ident's agreein to furn, ez he uttered the words, to 
the Maryland delegashun ; wich satisfied em, ez the 
most ultra felt it wuz enufl' ef the President shood 
address himself excloosively to Maryland Dimekrats 
ez his countrymen. He perceeded : — 



The Antietam Dedication. 283 

" Gathered together onto a field wich the valor 
uv loyal arms made forever memorable — " 

Gov. Swann objected. He wuz for consiliatiori. 
How Good our Southern brethren w^ho had taken 
the oath be consiliated, ef the fact that they wuz 
walloped wuz bein continually flung at em? Be- 
sides, the word " loyal" wuz offensive to the heft uv 
the Democracy. Mr. Seward thought ef references 
wuz made to the late onpleasantness they ought to 
be diluted. I sustained the objeckshun, and it wuz 
stricken out. The President resoomed : — 

" Feelin this day an uncommon solemnity, stand- 
in, ez we do, over the mortal remanes uv the thou- 
sands wich died in the sacred cause uv Liberty, and 
in defence uv the flag uv our coun — " 

" Hold ! " sed the impetuous Maryland General, 
" I protest. In the name of Maryland I protest. 
Shel the Conservatives uv that glorious State be 
insulted by alloosions to liberty uv wich they are 
deprived, and to the flag wich is the symbol uV dp- 
pression, and under wich we didn't fight?" 

I sustained the objeckshun, and that wuz Struck 
out. He went on : — 

" When I cast my eye over this field, and let it rest 
for a instant on this spot where the impetuous foemen 
wuz driven southward by our brave troops — " 



284 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

Gov. Swann remarked that on sich an occasion it 
wood be perhaps better not to menshun the partike- 
ler direckshun in wich anybody wuz driven. Let it 
read, I wood say, thus : " On this spot where the 
impetuous foeman wuz driven by our brave troops." 
Left thus it woodent be espeshally offensive to any 
body. It wood read ez well South ez North, for in 
that encounter both sides wuz, at times, driven. I sus- 
tained the amendment, and the President went on : — 

" In fucher years the pilgrim to the shrine uv 
Liberty will paws a moment on this spot, to drop a 
tear over the graves uv them who here checked the 
advance uv the hosts uv rebellion, and — " 

Gov. Swann was averse to this. It wuzn't soothin 
to the party wich wuz checked. It wood be better 
to reed, " drop a teer over the spot onto wich fra- 
ternal blood wuz shed." Seein no objection to the 
amendment, I hed it done. He went on : — 

" The widder in her Northern home may weep, 
but she may console herself that her husband died 
for his country. She may — " 

Gov. Swann broke in. " Sposn," sed he, " you 
should say, * The widder in her Northern or 
Southern home, ez the case may be, may weep,' 
&c. Woodn't it be better ? " I thot so, and it wuz 
altered accordinly. The President perceeded : — 



The Antietam Dedication. 285 

" Here, upon this spot, the armed hosts of rebel- 
lion were met and hurled back by — " 

Gov. Swann sejested that that be omitted. The 
word " rebellion," when applied to a brave people, 
who wuz strugglin for wat they deemed their rites 
wuz, to say the least, too harsh. It wuz struck out, 
and the President went on : — 

" Upon this spot, amid the roar uv cannon, the 
rattle uv musketry, and the clash uv contendin arms, 
thousands uv the brave sons uv patriotic sires gave 
up their lives." 

There wuz nothin in this objectionable. It cood 
apply to either side or to both, but ez everythin 
before it hed been stricken out, and ez there wuz 
alloosions follerin it that wood hev to be, it wuz ad- 
visable to bust it, and accordinly I drew my pencil 
over it. 

The President then wanted to know wat in thun- 
der he shood say. Feelin that he must say suthin, 
I prepared for him the follerin remarks : — , 

" My Fellow-Countrymen : I appear afore you, 
not for the purpose uv makin any lengthy remarks : 
I simply desire to express my approbashn uv the 
ceremonies which hev taken place. My appearance 
is the speech wich I will make. I cood make a 
speech wich wood tech yoor feelins, but my thots 



286 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

is in communion with the dead — uv both sides — 
whose deeds we are here to commemorate. I shel 
not attempt to give utterance to the feelins and emo- 
shuns inspired by the ceremonies uv the day. Not 
any. I shel attempt no sich thing. I am here to 
give countenance to the perceedins — to offishally 
beam upon em — but I must be permitted to hope 
that we may foller the example set us by the illus- 
trious dead — uv both sides — and think uv the 
brave men — uv both sides — who fell in the fierce 
struggle uv battle, and who sleep silent in their 
graves, yes — who sleep in silence and peace after 
the conflict hez ceased. Would to God that we uv 
the livin cood emulate their example ez they lay 
sleepin in the tombs. Wood that we cood live, ez 
do the silent dead, in peace and friendship. Yes, in 
peace and friendship ez do the silent dead — uv both 
sides. You, my fellow-countrymen, hev my earnest 
wishes, ez yoo hev hed my efforts in times gone by, 
in the most tryin perils, to restore peace and har- 
mony to our distracted and divided country, and 
yoo shel hev my last efforts in vindicatin uv the 
flag uv the Republic, and the Constitooshn uv our 
Fathers." 

I endeavored in this to preserve, ez nearly as pos- 
sible, the singularly beautiful and loocid style uv the 



The Antietam Dedication. 287 

President, that the assembled thousands who shood 
hear it mite recognize it to-wunst ez hizzen. The 
last sentence wuz objected to. The Marylanders 
didn't know whether they cood sit in silence and 
hear sich talk about the "Flag uv the Republic" 
and the " Constitooshun uv our Fathers." But they 
wuz overruled. It wuz held, and properly, I think, 
that the Constitooshun uv our Fathers shood be 
understood ez meanin that instrooment afore the 
Ablishnlsts had knocked out uv it all that made it 
lovely in the eyes of Maryland — the nigger — and 
the Flag ez it wuz at that period. They wuz finally 
satisfied with it, and Binckley teched up the speech 
in some miner pints for delivery. 

I didn't stay to the celebrashun, for I hed biznis 
elsewhere. I writ the President's speech, so I knew 
that wuz rite ; I heard Bradford's orashen read, and 
wuz pleased with it. It wuz a powerful apology 
for the Northern soldiers, and must hev had a good 
effeck onto the Southern mind. Feelin that it wuz 
all rite, I left agin for my feeld uv labor. Wat the 
President wood do ^vithout me, I don't know. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



288 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXXIV. 



Mr, Nashy assists in the Ohio Election. — The 
Defeat of the Amendment. — How it was re- 
ceived at the Corners. 



< Roads "j 

iCentucky), > 
12, 1S67. J 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
October 12, 1S67. 

^EELIN that the time hed arrived which wuz 
to decide whether 7,000 degradid niggers wuz 
to grind 500,000 proud Caucashens into the dust, 
I felt that ef I shood fail in my dooty now, I shood 
be forever disgraced. Accordingly, I put in on elek- 
shun day at a Dimocratic town in Ohio — the battle- 
field — the identikle place into wich I made a speech 
doorin the campane. '^ 

I arrived ther on the mornin uv the elekshun, and 
found that comperhensive arrangements hed bin 
made for defeatin this most nefarus and dangerous 
proposishen, Paradin the streets ez earl}' ez 7 A. M. 
wuz a wagon containin 25 virgins, runnin from 27 
to 31, the most uv em ruther wiry in texture, and 




1^ 



WH5TC HUSgAl^S o^ M^N.f 






^-^ 




OHIO ELECTION. Page j88. 



The Ohio Election. 289 

over their heads wiiz banners, with the foUowin 
techin inscriptions : " Fathers, save us from Nigger 
Ekality ! " " White Husbans or nun ! " It wood 
hev bin better, I thot, hed they bin somewhat 
younger. Ther wuz suthin preposterous in the ijea 
uv females uv that age caUin upon fathers to save 
em from anythin, when in the course of nacher their 
fathers must hev bin a lyin in the silent tomb for 
several consecutive years, onless, indeed, they marrid 
young. Ef still livin (I judged from the aged ap- 
pearance uv the damsels), their parents must be too 
far advanced in yeers to take an activ part in biznis. 
In anuther wagon wuz a collekshun uv men wich 
hed bin hired from the railrode, twelve miles dis- 
tant, whose banners read, " Shel ignerent Niggers 
vote beside intelligint Wite men ? " and the follerin 
verse : — 

** Shel niggers black this land possess, 
And rool us whites up here? 
O, no, my friends ; we ruther guess 
We'll never stand that ere." 

It okkurd to me that it wood hev done better hed 
their spellin bin more akkerit ; but upon inquiry I 
found that it didn't make no diffrence. That wuz 
the pervailin way of spellin things in that vicinity. 
Hangin over the polls wuz a broad peece uv white 
19 



290 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

muslin, onto wich was painted, in large letters, 
" Caucashuns, Respeck yer Noses — the nigger 
stinks ! " Then I knowed it wuz safe. That odor 
hez never yet bin resisted by the Democrasy, and it 
hez its inflooence over Republikins. 

I never saw sich enthoosiasm, or more cheerin in- 
dicasuns uv the pride uv race. Ez evidence uv the 
deep feeling that pervaded that community, I state 
that nine paupers in the poor-house demanded to be 
taken to the polls, that they might enter their protest 
agin bringin the nigger up to a ekality with em, 
wich wuz nine gain with no offsets, ez ther wuzn't 
an Ablishnist in the institooshun. Two men, in the 
county jale for petty larceny, wuz, at their own 
rekest, taken out of doorance vile by the Sheriff uv 
the county, that they mite, by the ballot, protest agin 
bein degraded by bein compelled, when their time 
wuz out, to acknowledge the nigger ez their ekal. 
One enthoosiastic Dimekrat, who cost us $5, hed to 
be carried to the polls. He hed commenced early 
at one uv the groseries, and hed succumbd afore 
votin. We found him sleepin peacefully in a barn. 
We lifted the patriotic man, and in percession 
marched to the polls. We stood him on his feet, 
two men supportin him — one on either side. I 
put a straight ticket into his fingers, and takin his 



The Ohio Election. '291 

wrist with one hand, held his fingers together with 
tother, and guided his hand to the box. Ez it 
neared the winder, he started ez ef a electric shock 
hed struck him, and, straightenin up, asked, " Is it 
the sthrate ticket? Is Constooshnel Amindmint 
No! onto it?" 

Ashoorin him that it wuz all rite, he suffered me 
to hold his hand out to the Judge uv Eleckshun, 
who took the ballot and deposited it in the box. 
" Thank Hivin ! " sed he, " the nagur is not yet 
my ayquil ! " and doublin up at the thigh and knee- 
joints, he sank, limber-like, and gently, onto the 
ground. Ez he hed discharged the dooty uv an 
Amerikin freeman, we rolled him out to one side 
uv the house, wher the drippin uv the rain from the 
roof wood do suthin toward soberin him off, and 
left him alone in his glory. 

The Amendment got but a very few votes in that 
locality. The Republikins jined us in repudiatin it, 
mostly upon ethnologikle grounds. One asserted 
that he hed bin in favor uv emancipashen in time 
uv war, becoz the Afrikin cood thereby be indoost 
to fite agin their Southern masters, and it wood hev 
the effeck uv makin the drafts come lighter in his 
township. He wuz a humanitarian likewise. He 
opposed crooelty toward em. He wept when he 



293 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

heerd uv the massacre at Fort Filler, becoz in the 
army the nigger wuz ez much a man ez anybody, 
and sich wholesale slaughters tendid to make calls 
for "500,000 more" more frekent. But when it 
come to givin uv em the privilege uv votin beside 
him, it coodent be thot uv. He cood never con- 
sent that a race whose heels wuz longer than hiz- 
zen shood rool Amerik}'. " My God ! " sed this 
ardent Republikin, " ef you give em the ballot, 
wat kin prevent em from bein Congrismen, Sena- 
tors, Vice-Fresidents, and even Presidents? I shud- 
der when I think uv it ; " and he hurried in his vote, 

I didn't quite see the force uv his objecshen, for 
it never okkurred to me that bein sent to Congris 
wuz the nateral consekence uv votin. I hev voted 
for thirty years, at many elections four or five times, 
but I hev never bin to Congris. Wher is the con- 
stitooency wich wood elect me ? But it wuzn*t my 
biznis to controvert his posishen. It made no dif- 
frence to me wat his reason wuz for votin ez I 
desired him to vote. 

The nigger-lovers beat up one man to vote for the 
Amendment, w-ich, I saw by his dissatisfied look, 
hed bin over-perswadid. " Sir ! " sed I, " do yoo 
consider a Afrikin suffishently intelligent to be 
trustid with so potent a weapon cz the ballot?" 



The Ohio Election. 293 

Bustin away from them wich hed him in charge, 
he exclaimed, " No, I don't ! I can't vote for it. 
They ain't intelligent enuff. Sir, scratch off the 
' Yes ' from my ballot, and put onto it ' No ! ' " 

" Here is a pensil," sed I. 

" Do it yerself," sed he ; "I can't write." 

And I did it. Sich is the effeck iiv a word in 
season. Words fitly spoken is apples uv gold, set 
in picters uv silver. 

One man woodent listen to me, but votid the 
Amendment. He hed bin a soljer, and for eleven 
months pertook uv the hospitality uv the Confedrits 
at Andersonville. Escapin, he wuz helped to the 
Fedrel lines by a nigger, who wuz flogged almost to 
death, in his site, for not betrayin wher he wuz hid. 
I mite ez well hev talked to a lamp-post. Ez he 
shoved in his ballot, he remarkt suthin about he'd 
ruther see a nigger vote than a d — d rebel, any time. 
From the direckshun uv his eye-site, I persoom he 
referred to me. 

I left for home ez soon ez the votes wuz counted, 
and the result wuz made known, only waitin till the 
poll-books wuz made out, and the judges uv eleck- 
shun hed got ther names written by the clerks, and 
hed made their marks to em. On my way home 
I wuz gratified to see how the nateral antipathy to 



294 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

the nigger hed revived. At Cincinati, the nite uv 
the eleckshii, they wuz bangiii uv em about, the 
patriotic Democrisy goin for em wherever they cood 
find em, and the next day, ez I saw em at the 
ralerode stashens, they hed, generally speekin, ther 
heds bandaged. It wuz cheerin to me, and I 
gloated over it. 

Full of gladnis, I entered Kentucky, and joyfully 
I wendid my way to the Corners. I wuz the bearer 
uv tidins uv great joy, and my feet wuz pleasant 
onto the mountins. Ez I walked into Bascom's, 
they all saw in my face suthin uv importance. 

" Wat is it?" sed Deekin Pogram. " Is it weal 
or woe ? " 

" Is the proud Caucashen still in the ascendant in 
Ohio, or hez the grovelin Afrikin ground him into 
the dust? '* askt Issaker Gavitt. 

" My friend," sed I, takin up the Deekin's whis- 
ky, wich, in the eggscitement uv the moment, he 
didn't pbserve, " the Constitooshnel Amendment, 
givin the nigger ekal rites, hez bin voted down by 
the liberty-lovin freemen uv Ohio. Three cheers 
for Ohio." 

They wuz given with a will. The wildest enthoo- 
siasm wuz awakened. Bascom put a spigot in a 
fresh barl, and the church bells wuz set a ringin. 



The Ohio Ei.ection. 295 

The niggers wore a dismayed look, and got out uv 
the way ez soon ez possible. A meetin wuz to- 
wunst organized. Deekin Pogram spoke. He felt 
that this wuz a proud day. Light wuz breakin. 
The dark clouds uv fanaticism wuz breakin away. 
We hed now the Afrikin under our feet. We hev 
got him in his normal posishen in Ohio, and, please 
God, we will soon hev him likewise in Kentucky. 
He moved the adopshen uv the follerin resoloo- 
shens : — 

" Wareas, Noer cust Canan, and condemned 
him to be a servant unto his brethren, thereby 
cleerly indikatin the status uv the race for all time 
to come to be one uv inferiority ; and, 

" Wareas, To further show to the eyes uv the 
most obtoose that a diffrence wuz intended, the Al- 
mighty gave the nigger a diffrent anatomicle struck- 
ter, for full partikelars uv wich see the speeches uv 
the Demokratic stumpers doorin the late campaign ; 
and, 

" Wareas, The attempt to place the nigger on 
an ekality with tlie white in votin ez well ez taxa- 
shun, we consider the sappin uv the very founda- 
shun uv civil liberty, ez well ez uv the Crischen 
religion ; therefore, 



296 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

" Resolved^ That the Constooshnel and Bibllkle 
Democracy uv Kentucky send greetin to their breth- 
ren uv Ohio, with thanks for their prompt and effec- 
tooal squelchin uv the idea uv nigger superiority. 

" Resolved^ That to the Republikins uv Ohio, 
who, risin above party considerashuns, voted agin 
suffrage, our thanks is due, and we congratulate em 
that now they, ez well ez us, are saved from the 
danger uv marryin niggers ; and likewise do we 
asshoor em, that in a spirit uv mutual forbearance, 
we care not wat particular creed they perfess, so 
long ez they vote our principles. 

" Resolved^ That the will uv the people havin 
bin cleerly indikated, we demand the insershun uv 
the word ' white ' in the Constitooshun uv the Yoo- 
nited States. 

^'' Resolved^ That we ask the colored voters uv 
Tennessee, and other States where colored men hev 
votes, to observe how they are treated in Ohio, 
where the Ablishnists don't need em. In them 
States we extend to em a corjel invitashun to act 
with us. 

" Resolved^ That a copy uv these resolooshens be 
sent to President Johnson, with an ashoorance uv 
our unabated confidence in his integrity, patriotism, 
and modisty." 



The Ohio Election. 297 

The meetin broke up with three cheers for the 
Dimocracy uv Ohio, nine for the Repubhkins uv 
that State, and one for the State at large. 

The Fakulty uv the Institoot met next mornin, 
for the purpus uv revisin the Scripters. It wuz 
desided that the word " white " should be insertid 
wherever necessary, and that that edishen only be 
yoosed by the Dimocracy and Conservativ Repub- 
likins. We made progress, the follerin bein a few 
uv the changes : — 

" ' So God creatid a white man in his own 
image.' 

" ' Whosoever, therefore, shell confess me before 
white men,* &c. 

" ' Suffer little white children to come unto me, 
for uv sich is the kingdom uv Heaven.' " 

Wich last is comfortin, ez it shows that the dis- 
tincshen is kept up through all eternity. I give 
these merely ez samples. We shel hev it finisht in 
a few days, and, ef funds kin be raised, shel publish 
it. Sich a vershun uv the Skripters is needid. 

I find the Demekratic mind is exercised over the 
question uv the succession to Wade. My voice is 
for Vallandygum. Never wuz there sich a saint, 



298 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

never wuz ther a man so abused by the tyranikel 
minions of irresponsible power. He hez suffered 
for us, and now he must hev his reward. It hez 
bin urged that the ten cent colleckshun in 1863 
was suffishent pay for his marterdom. I deny it. 
I know all about it. He got nothin uv it. Every 
Demekrat in Ohio who hed taxes to pay, or who 
wanted a new pare uv pants, or whose boots needed 
half solin, took up a colleckshun for Vallandygum. 
I know that's so, for I wuz a Demekrat in Ohio, 
laborin under pekooniary embarasments in them 
days myself. Let Vallandygum hev the place he 
so well earned. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



A Jollification at the Corners. 299 



XXXV. 

A yollificatiofi at the Corners^ followed by a 
Dream^ which has some Reference to a recent 
Political Event, 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads \ 

(Wich is in the Stait iiv Kentucky), > 

October 22, 1867. J 

WE held, last nite, our formal jollification at 
the Corners, over the result uv the Ohio 
and Pennsylvany elecshuns. It wuz a gjorious oc- 
cashen, and one wich wuz calkelated to cheer the 
long deprest hearts uv the down-trodden Dimocrisy ; 
wich it did. The Church wuz gorgusly illoominatid 
with candles, hung in festoons in the winders. Dec- 
kin Pogram, in honor uv the occashun, loaned us 
the yoose uv his two keroseen lamps, — the pride uv 
the Corners, — wich wuz arranged in a tabloo in 
front uv the pulpit, over wich wuz hung, in peeceful 
folds, the two Confedrit flags wich Kernel McPelter's 
regment hed borne in honor over myriads uv ded 



300 Ekkoes FROM Kentucky. 

Yankees. The sui*vivin heroes uv the Lost Coz in 
the visinity wnz present, attired in their soiled uni- 
forms, and everythin about the demonstrashen wuz 
ez inspiritin ez it wuz possible to make it. Short 
and pertinent addresses wuz made by the offishels 
uv the church, wich I wuz gratified to observe a 
pious vane uv thankfulnis run thro em. Deekin 
Pogram shone with unwonted brilliancy and on- 
paralleled devoutnis. He blessed the Lord for the 
mercy wich hed bin vouchsafed us. The people uv 
the North hed vindicated the Skripters, and hed bin 
weaned from their infidelity. Now he felt he cood 
wallop a nigger wunst more in safety, and put his 
foot onto the necks uv the descendants uv Ham, 
wich wuz ordained from the flood. He felt thank- 
ful for wat hed bin done for us by Ohio and Penn- 
sylvany, and he hoped for ez much from Noo York. 
Shood Noo York complete the work so gloriously 
commenst by Maine and Californy, and so happily 
carried forrerd by Ohio and Pennsylvany, then he 
shood say, " Now let thy servant depart in peese." 
If he shood survive the joy uv the occashun, he 
wood to-wunst recapcher his niggers, — sich uv em 
ez wuz still in the land uv the livin, — and redoose 
em to their normal condishen. He wood hold em 
by force, trustin in the result uv the next Presiden- 



A Jollification at the Corners. 301 

shel elecshun to ratify wat he hed done. He shood 
to-wunst buy up wat he cood uv Confedrit skrip, 
for, bless the Lord, he felt now that the Lost Coz 
wazn't ez much lost ez he thot it wuz. 

Other speeches wuz made, and the meetin, in a 
state uv high hilarity, adjourned to Bascom's, wher 
we made a nite uv it. I survived, probably, the 
longest uv any uv the square drinkers. There wuz 
those who held out longer by resortin to sich on- 
manly subterfuges ez throwin their likker over their 
sholders and takin lite drinks, but sich ain't for me. 
It looks, ez it is, like a throwing away uv the good 
gifts uv nacher ; a sacrificin the blessins uv life to a 
foolish pride, — suthin I never will do. 

One by one I saw em droop and roll gently off 
the benches. Issaker Gavitt first, McPelter next, 
Bascom next, and finally Deekin Pogram, like a 
giant oak in a hurricane, tottered, rallied, tottered 
agin, and finally fell ; and I, feelin that my time, 
too, hed come, went under likewise. I slept, and 
sleepin, dreamed. 

Methawt I wuz in a vast bildin, constructid in the 
Orientle stile uv arketectoor, to-wit: a roof, sup- 
ported by pillers. These pillers wuz labelled with 
the names uv battles fought doorin the Revolushen 
and the last war with Great Britten, the strongest 



302 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

and newest bein ticketed with the battles fought 
doorin the late onpleasantnis. 

"Wat striikter is this?" askt I uv the janiter uv 
the institooshn. • 

" The Temple uv Liberty ! " ansered he. 

"Wilt show it me?" askt I. 

" With pleasure, Sir," sed he. " The present 
occupant uv the bildin, and he who now hez con- 
trole uv it, is in an inner chamber. Woodst see 
him?" 

" I woodst," remarked I, and he showd me in. 

It wuz a pekoolyer seen. On the carpet on the 
floor was stretched the form uv a Giant, hyer in 
stature, broader across the shoulders, deeper in the 
chest, and possessin more indicashens uv strength 
and endoorance than any Giant I hed ever seen. 
His face wuz ruther young lookin and noble, though 
onto it there wuz an expression uv wearinis and 
sadniss. He wuz fast asleep, and sleepin ez a man 
does after a terrible expend itoor uv physikle and 
mentle strength. 

"Who is this?" askt I uv my guide. 

" Republikinism ! " sed he. 

" Ha ! Wat is them wich he holds so lovinly in 
his arms ? " askt I. 

" Them is the treasures uv the Temple, uv wich 



A Jollification at the Corners. 303 

the okkupant thereof is ex-offisho guardian. He hez 
only a part uv em in his arms — ef yoo notis, ther 
are ten uv em under his heels." 

I looked carefully, and notist that they wuz all 
labelled with the names uv the States — those in 
his arms wuz those uv the North, and the ten under 
his heels wuz them wich hed unfortnitly failed in 
their attempt to get out uv the Temple. From the 
heft uv his heel onto em, it appeared ez tho they 
were under a triflin restraint. Kentucky, Delaware, 
and Maryland he hed tightly gripped between his 
thumb and finger. 

"Why sleeps he?" askd I. 

" Exhaustion," sed he. " Sich a fite ez he hez 
hed to retane possession uv this place ! Four long 
yeers hev opposin powers attempted by open hostil- 
ities to dispossess him, doorin wich he wuz assaled 
at every pint, and for three years hez politikle fite 
been made onto him, doorin wich he hez bin be- 
trayed by them he sposed wuz his chosen and 
trusted frends. Last year he hed a terrible conflict 
with em and wuz victorious, but the strain wuz too 
heavy onto him, and he's bin asleep, ever sence, 
recooperatin. Besides, some uv his attendin physi- 
cians, in whom he hed confidence, proved to be 
quacks, and they dosed him with restoratives, wich, 



304 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

however good they mite be, wuzn't perclsely the 
remedy for the time, and they increesed the stupor 
under wich he wuz laborin. Besides, he wuz at- 
tackt with sore head, and in adishen to all this there 
wuz barnacles, and vampires, and blood-suckers uv 
all kinds, wich further weakened him. X.isten, how 
hard he breathes ! " 

And he wuz a breathin hard. 

At this percise minit methawt the guide disap- 
peared, and there wuz a agitashen uv the curtins 
uv the chamber. Slowly they lifted, and to my 
surprise I saw feachers wich I recognized. Val- 
landygum peered in, and seein that the Giant wuz 
still asleep, come in on tip-toe, beckonin others to 
follow. They come. There wuz Thurman, uv 
Ohio ; Voorhees, uv Injiany ; Florence, Shars- 
wood, and Jerry Black, uv Pennsylvany ; Seward, 
Fernandy Wood, and Morrissey, uv Noo York ; 
and Johnson, Pierce, Bookanan, and the whole 
glorious company of marters. Cautiously they krept 
in, and timidly ranged themselves about the sleepin 
Giant, and communed among themselves. 

" That wuz too heavy a load for him to carry at 
his age," chuckled Ben Wood, pintin to an im- 
mense burden strapped to his sholders, on wich 
was written " Equality before the Law." 



A Jollification at the Corners. 305 

" Yes," sed Johnson, " but he wood hev got throo 
with it, but I tripped him ! " 

" It wuz I who put the stone down over wich he 
mostly stumbled," sed Seward in a whisper. 

" To biznis ! " sed Vallandygum. " Let us git 
wat we kin afore he awakens ; " and he and Thur- 
man slily fingered away Ohio, doin it without dis- 
turbin him much. He did groan slitely, and moved 
uneasily. Sharswood and Jerry Black very adroitly 
slipped Pennsylvania out from under his arm, and 
agin he started up restlessly, but sunk back into his 
slumber agin. 

Emboldened by this, Fernando Wood and Sey- 
mour attempted to steal away Noo York, wich wuz 
the piller onto wich his head restid ; and while they 
wuz manooverin it, he made a terrible noise, ez ef 
he wuz in agony. 

"It's the death rattle in his throat!" piped the 
ten Staits under his heels, strivin to release their- 
selves. 

" It's the death rattle in his throat ! " shreeked they 
all, throwin off all stealth, and each grabbin a Stait. 

In an instant the scene changed. They hed over- 
did it. The Giant awoke, and springin to his feet, 
glared fiercely onto em. 

*' The death rattle, is it ! " sed he, in a voice iiv 



3o6 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

thunder. " Ha ! ha ! you mistake the snorin uv a 
hard-sleepin Giant for the death rattle ! What hev 
I done? Sleepin so long, and knowin all the time 
that assassins lurked around me ! " Shakin the bar- 
nacles off, he laid about him lively. He pitched 
Fernandy and Seymour out head over heels, — one 
svs^eep uv his right arm disposed uv Pierce, Boo- 
kannan, and that pack, and then, missin Ohio and 
Pennsylvany, he observed Vallandygum and Shars- 
wood makin off with them. Utterin a howl uv 
rage, he sprang after em. Two leeps sufficed, and 
he wrenched the States from their grasp, but not, 
however, ontil Vallandygum had bit a thunderin 
slice out uv Ohio, and Sharswood one nearly ez 
large out uv Pennsylvany. 

At this pint I awoke. The mornin sun wuz a 
sendin her brilliant beams thro the winders uv 
Bascom's. Around me lay the prostrate forms uv 
Deekin Pogram, Bascom, Captain McPelter, Issaker 
Gavitt, and the others who hed bin with me the nite 
afore. They wuz a sleepin and a snorin ez peacefly 
ez men ever did. The doors hed bin left open, and 
the villagers — the early birds who are alluz around 
ketchin the worm — hed collected at the door. They 
did not vencher in, not knowin how sound asleep 
we wuz, ontil — ez one uv em told me afterward — 



A Jollification at the Corners. 307 

he hed seen a hog helongin to Bascom walk in the 
open door and root about among us, gruntin ap- 
provinly, ez tho it reminded him uv his childhood's 
day, wich indeed it did, ez he hed alluz bin fed at a 
distillery ; and then, satisfied*that we wuz trooly 
asleep, they walked in and helped themselves to 
refreshments at the bar.^ Turnin them out quietly, 
with a stingin rebook foU their dishonesty in takin 
advantage uv one helpless ez Bascom wuz, I emp- 
tied the contents uv his drawer, and seekoorin it in 
my boot, lay down ez tho I wuz asleep, till they 
shood awake. In an hour he awoke, and diskivered 
that he hed bin gone thro. 

" Who cood hev done it?" sed he. 

"My dear friend," sed I, "yoo wuz injudishus 
enuff to leave your door open. See ther ! " and I 
pinted to the villagers a reelin thro the street. 
" They're virtuous, but yoo put ther integrity to a 
test wich it coodent stand. Ther wuz too much 
pressure to the square inch on ther conshences, and 
they collapst. Let it be a warnin to yoo. I don't 
know that / cood hev resisted it, hed I awakened 
first." And I awakened the Deekin, and helped 
him home, stayin with him, uv course, to breakfast. 
Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



3o8 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXXVI. 

A Meeting at the Corners to take into Considera- 
tion tJie best and most feasible Methods of 
preserving to the Democracy the States they 
won this Fall. 

Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads "j 

(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), > 

October 30, 1867. ) 

IWUZ a sittin in the Post Offis, day before yes- 
terday, a cogitatin over the glorious results uv 
the Ohio and Pennsylvany elections, and hopin for 
an ekally good report from Noo York, thinkin the 
while that perhaps ef my hopes w^uz realized, and 
sich a Constooshnel Dimokrat ez Pendleton or Sey- 
mour shood be elected, I m'ite, in considerashun uv 
my long, and I bleeve valuable services, aspire to 
suthin higher, and better, and more profitable than 
a Post Offis, sich ez I am at present holdin. I do 
not complain, for the posishen hez bin the means 
uv establishin a credit upon wich I hev lived thus 
far comfortable ; but yet I shood prefer a place 



A Meeting at the Corners. 309 

where the salaiy wood be suffishent to give me 
enuff so that I cood lay up suthin for old age. 
The time is not far off when my individooel exer- 
tions will not supply my wants. 

I felt good over the victory, and it seemed to me 
ez tho we ought to speak, ez Kentuckians, to our 
brethren North, instructin uv em how to hold the 
Staits wich they hev won for us. When I deside 
upon a pint I alluz act, and so it wuz this time. 

I give notis, by Issaker Gavitt, that the Corners 
wood assemble at the tootin uv the horn, for the 
purpose uv sendin forth the voice uv Kentucky to 
the Staits North. The evenin come, the horn wuz 
tooted from the steps uv the church, and the entire 
Corners wuz there. Deekin Pogram wuz in his 
regler seat ; Issaker Gavitt wuz in his sainted father's 
place, wich hez gone hentz. Kernel McPelter wuz 
there, and also the others who make up the male 
population uv the Corners, and their wives. It wuz 
a glorious mcetin, and I wuz a rubbin my hands 
and feelin good at the prospeck uv an improvin 
occashun, when, to my utter disgust, I saw the door 
open, and Joe Bigler, who wuz born to be my pest, 
come in, with Pollock, and twenty or twenty-five 
niggers, old and young, male and female, white, 
yaller, and black, and all uv em took seats together 



3IO Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

in the corner uv the church. I knowd by the meek 
look uv the niggers, and the eggstreem quietood uv 
Bigler hisself, that suthin wuz up, wich would uv 
course develop itself. Bigler and Pollock generally 
develop. 

I opened the meetin by remarkin that the times 
wore an auspishus look. The power uv the nigger 
in Amerikin politics hed bin demonstrated. The 
nigger hed bin so manipulated in Ohio and Penn- 
sylvany ez to give us these States, which we cood 
hold ef we choose. But the Dimocrisy uv Ohio 
and Pennsylvany hed a work to do, wich they can- 
not neglect with safety. They had declared the 
nigger inferior to the Caucashen, wich he undenia- 
bly is, and they must keep him so. The nigger 
must be kept jist eggsackly wher he is, to serve ez 
a irritant to Dimocrisy. Ohio gives the niggers uv 
that State certain facilities for learnin to reed and 
write ; accomplishments wich no laborin class wich 
is to be guided, controlled, and worked excloosively 
by a sooperior class, needs or hez any biznis with. 
So soon ez a man begins to reed he begins to hev 
an inquirin mind, and begins to feel a dissatisfaction 
with his speer. Let Ohio repeel these laws to- 
wunst, that the niggers may not — " 

" Reverse the arrangement," sed Joe Bigler, risin, 



A Meeting at the Corners. 311 

" and git to be the sooperior uv the white. Is that 
it, Perfesser?" 

" Not eggsackly that," returned I, not knowin 
wat he wuz drivin at, " but ez Hevin ordained the 
niggers to be inferior to us, and serve us, it looks 
rather dangerous to — " 

"Give him a chance to rise? That's w^hat yoor 
gettin at, I see. I am, and always wuz a Dimocrat, 
ez yoo know ; but I don't shudder from that cause 
— not any. I hev faith in the Lord, wich yoo ap- 
pear to lack, wich is strange, considerin yoor pro- 
feshun. Ef my colored friends here wuz ordained 
by the Almighty to alluz okkepy an inferior position 
to us, why, they'll do it anyhow, onless, indeed, we 
degrade ourselves below ther level. Ef I under- 
stand yoor idea, it is that the proud Caucashen is 
the only favored race, wich fixes its own posishen 
itself, and that all the other races hed places as- 
signed them, wich Godalmity hevin fixed, they can't 
pass. That bein the case, wat's the yoose, Perfesser, 
uv our foolin away our time a tryin to strengthen 
his laws by any act uv ours? Ef the Almighty 
fixed it so, kin we do it any better than he?" 

" But spos'n the nigger, ef we don't keep him 
down by law, shood rise above us ? " 

" I shood unanimously conclood that ther hed bin 



312 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

a mistake in the figgers, and that we wuz, after all, 
the sons uv Ham and they the sons uv Japheth. 
How wood yoo like that? But that ain't wat ails 
us. There, Perfesser, ain't where our danger is. 
Dimocrisy, like a man with a tape-worm, carries the 
elements uv its own destruckshen. Missegenashun 
is wat's sappin the foundashuns uv the party. — 
Agreein with yoo that the nigger's place is fixed, 
and that the Dimocrisy coodent git along a minit 
without the nigger, I here utter my solemn warn- 
ing agin the continyooal lessenin uv the race, becoz 
that race is our rock, and onto that we stand. 
Wat sense is there in wastin our capital, or ruther 
dilutin it?" 

"Wat do yoo mean?" askt I, not gettin at the 
drift uv wat he wuz drivin at. 

" Mean ! My meanin is plain. The blacker the 
nigger is, the further he is below us ; the whiter he 
is, the nearer our ekal he is. In this calculashun we 
don't take intelligence, or virchoo, or anything of the 
kind into account, but perceed upon the hypothesis 
that a devilish mean white man is considerable better 
than a smart and honest nigger. Therefore, any 
drop uv white blood in a nigger's veins makes him 
just one drop less objectionable. Look at the speci- 
mens wich I hev brought with me to illustrate my 
pint. The light-Qolored niggers will rise." 



A Meeting at the Corners. 313 

And every cussed one uv em got up, ez ef by 
majic, and I saw to-wunst wat he wuz goin for. 

" Yoo see, Perfesser, I hev here twenty-two spiled 
niggers. Every one uv them ought to hev bin the 
son or daughter uv two pure niggers, but they ain't. 
This one's mother, for instance," and he laid his 
hand upon the shoulder uv a likely quadroon uv 
eighteen years, "wuz wunst the property uv Dee- 
kin Pogram, wich circumstance accounts for her 
hevin the Pogram nose and general cast uv counte- 
nance to an alarm in degree, and — " 

Ther wuz a piercin shreek heard, and Mrs. Po- 
gram was carried out faintin, and the Deekin turned 
ez red ez a lobster, while Bigler, ez solemn ez a 
judge, went on : — 

" This girl wuz wunst the property uv Deekin 
McGrath, who is, I notis, here to-nite. Melissy, 
stand up," sed he, and a likely mulatto woman ariz. 
" You will notis," sed he, "that Melissy is rather 
dark, while her girl, wich yoo see afore yoo, is quite 
a half lighter. The race bleached out considerable 
on Deekin McGrath's place. I hev, in my recollec- 
tion, ten or fifteen more, uv various shades, who hev 
the McGrath face, but — " 

Mrs. Deekin McGrath, utterin a shreek uv rage, 
swung out of the church, while the Deekin to- 



314 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

wunst assoomed the color uv his fellow Deekin, 
Pogram. 

" I mite go on ; but wherefore? Yoo all see the 
pint. I kin show yoo, in this colleckshun, wich I 
hev picked up, the pecoolyer feachers uv the Din- 
geses, the McPelters, the Bascoms, and every family 
around these parts, — that is, the feechers uv the 
male members uv em. But sence the emancipashun 
I hev notist that this thing hez come to a sudden 
endin. I hev notist that sence the niggers hev 
owned theirselves, there ain't no more uv this mix- 
ter. Yoo purpose, I suppose, agin redoosin uv em 
to their normal condishun, and makin uv em men- 
sei*vants and maid-servants. Ef this is done, let me 
entreet yoo, brethren, to stop the bleachin process. 
Ef yoo hev any regard for the Dimocrisy, don't tol- 
erate it no more. The moment a half-white nigger 
is born, yoo can't enslave only half uv him ; for 
only half comes under the cuss, and only half under 
the laws agin niggers. That one half keeps down 
to the Ham level, but tother half sores to the Japhet 
place in nacher. Yoo can't whale a mulatto with 
only half the intensity yoo kin a clear-blooded nig- 
ger ; and when they keep bleachin out, and out, and 
out, ontil they are almost white, what then ? When 
a nigger is nine tenths Pogram, and only one tenth 



A Meeting at the Corners. 315 

nigger, what then? Kin the Deekin be so deaf to 
the voice uv nacher — so bare uv impulse ez to 
oppress so much Pogram for the sake uv gettin his 
foot on so little nigger? I can't beleeve it. Be- 
sides, when it's all run out — when the nigger don't 
show at all — then wat is to prevent em from walkin 
off alone, and settin up in biznis for themselves ez 
white men ? What will become uv the Dimocrasy 
then?" 

All this time the niggers wuz titterin, and the 
white women wuz gaspin for breath, and the men 
wuz turnin red and white by turns. I arose to 
rebuke him, when Bigler remarkt that he guest 
enuff hed bin sed, and that probably the meeting 
hed better be adjourned. And the audacious cuss 
give us two minutes and a half to get out uv the 
buildin. 

I wood give my next quarter's salary ef .the yel- 
low fever wood come to the Corners, pervided I 
cood be ashoored that Bigler and Pollock wood be 
victims. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



3i6 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 



XXXVII. 



The November Elections. — How the Result 
affected the JFaithful in Kentucky. 



1. 3 



Post Offis, Confedrit X Roads 
(Wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), 
November lo, 1867. 

THE Corners wuz prostrated with joy last nite 
at the receet uv the news uv the November 
elecshuns. Ther wuz nothin demonstrative about 
our joy ez there hed bin on occasions uv less interest. 
No ! the result wuz too great, too overwhelminly 
great! Our nachers wuz filled with joy, and it 
bubbled up to the eyes, and slopt over in floods uv 
teers. Deekin Pogram's dawter Mirandy borrered a 
tamborine, wich wood answer for a timbrel, and 
attempted to dance down the street, after the fashion 
uv Miriam, singin, " Shout the glad tidens," et 
settry, but we rebookt her. Sich exultashen seemed 
to us inadekate. The Deekin met me, and fallin 
onto my neck, wept perfoosely down my back, wich 
I stood ez long ez I cood bear the moistyer. Gently 



The November Elections. 317 

disengagin him, I led him to Basom's, fearin that so 
great a waste uv flooids wood cut short the old 
saint's life, unless that waste cood be repaired. We 
supplied the deficiency to-wunst. Never saw I sich 
a picter. The blessid old man sittin onto a bench, 
a glass uv hot whiskey in his hand ; his white hair 
a fallin scantily about his temples, and tears a run- 
ning in rapid succession adown his frost-bitten nose, 
and, glitterin a moment on the tip, droppin, like 
strings uv pearls, into the space below ! It wuz 
tetchin ! 

The citizens met that evening, not to rejoice, but 
to adopt sich measures for turning the victry to 
account ez the occasion seemed to demand. The 
Deekin wuz there, and I beleeve every white male 
citizen uv the Corners wuz in his sect afore the glad 
peals uv the bell hed ceased pealin. I assoomed the 
chair, and in a few joodishus remarks stated the ob- 
jeck uv the meetin. Noo York, I remarkt, hed 
spoken, and Noo Gersey, the blessed State uv which 
I hed the honor to be a native, hed^returned to her 
fust love. I wuz not now ashamed to own that I 
wuz a native of Noo Gersey. I am proud uv it, 
and were it not for the fact that I owe neerly half 
uv her citizens, in sums rangin from a half dollar 
up to eighteen, I wood return there to-wunst. But 



3i8 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

I won't. It wood awaken expectations in their 
buzzums wich wood never be fulfilled, and I'm too 
tender-hearted, too considrit uv the feelins uv others, 
to lasserate them feelins. I can't properly express 
my emoshuns. Thank Heaven the nigger is ourn. 
The Northern States have spoken, and in thunder 
tones. The Ethiopian wunst wuz on the top wave, 
but wher is he now? Two years ago he wuz 
needed — but now wher is he? The Ablishnists 
don't need him no more to fill up ther quotas, they 
don't need him no more to take ther places in 
the next draft, and thank the Lord he's the same 
d — d nigger he alluz wuz ! The stink uv the nigger 
hez overcome, ther gratitood to him — ther good 
feelin hez bin swamped by ther prejoodis. The 
Dimocrasy uv the two sections uv the Yoonion hez 
rusht into each other's arms, the nigger wuz between 
em, and consekently is under our feet. What hap- 
pinis for Kentucky ! The nigger can't go North 
with the elecshen returns starin him in the face, and 
ef he stays here he must stay on our terms. Thank 
the Lord. ^ 

Deekin Pogram sed that he hednt felt so good 
sence his first wife died. He felt too good to speek, 
and the brethren wood excuse him ef his remarks 
shood be breef. (We will ! We will ! with great 



The November Elections. 319 

yoonanimity.) Four weeks ago, when he heerd 
from Ohio and Pennsylvany he hed to-wunst drawd 
up a skedule uv the loss that hed bin inflicted onto 
him by the tyranical edict uv the Illinoy Goriller, a 
copy uv wich he wood reed : — 

YOONITED STATES UV AMERIKT, 

In Account nvith Gabrel Pogram, Dr. 

To I nigger, Sam, 26 years old $Ij5oo 00 

I " Pompey, 30 " 1,300 00 

I " Scip, 30 " 1,400 00 

I " Peter, 40 " 1,000 00 

To one lot misselaneous niggers, 22 in number, 
mostly cT-ippled, and not uv much akkount, 
hevin bin flogd and chawd by dorgs, and in- 
joored hy being knockt about the head and 
back, a dissiplinin uv 'em, at, say, $500 each, 11,000 00 

To one nigger gal, Jane, 18 years old, nearly 
white, with bloo eyes and curly hair, for wich 
I hed bin offered $2,500 to go to Noo Orleans, 2,500 00 

To other wenches, uv all shades and ages, 12 in 

number, averagin, say, $500, 6,000 00 

$23,700 00 

This bill he hed determined to put in, becoz uv 
this property he hed bin robbed. Last nite he heerd 
uv the result uv the Noo York and Noo Jersey elec- 
shuns, and he felt that more yit wuz due him from 
the unconstooshnel government under wich we are 
forst to live. He wanted pay, not only for his 
twenty-four thousand dollars' worth of nigger, but 



320 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

legle interest on the amount, from Emanclpashen to 
date, incloodin wat he paid to hev the calculation 
made, and the interest figgered onto it, and he 
wanted it in gold, ez he considered greenbax jist 
ez imconstooshnel ez emancipashen. 

Issaker Gavitt remarkt, that on behalf uv his 
father's estate he hed a claim on the oppressors. 
He hed made out no bill ez yit, ez the nigger wich 
alluz did the figgerin for his father hed got to be 
impudent, and wooden't do it no more. But he 
shood get somebody who cood write to copy the 
Deekin's bill, wich wood answer, ez the two farms 
workt about the same number uv hands, tho uv 
fancy stock his father hed alluz kept the most, wich 
accountid for his bein more bald-headed than the 
Deekin. 

Kernel McPelter wantid no pay. He wantid his 
niggers. To accept pay wood be to acknollege the 
right uv a Illinoy goriller to releese em, wich he 
wood never do. He hed one — he saw her to-day — 
wich he wood hev back agin. Her and her hus- 
band, wich hed bin married sence they wuz torn 
from him, hed purchist ten akers uv ground up 
toards Garrettstown, and wuz a livin onto it. Uv 
course, ez the emancipashun was illegal, the produx 
uv their labor sence that time wuz hizzen, jest the 



The November Elections. 321 

same ez though they remained in their normal con 
dishen. The ten akers woodent make him good, 
but they hed two children born to em sence, 
wich, ef niggers brot any price, wood do suthin 
toards it. 

Bascom perferred to hev Government pay ther 
valyoo, and let em stay free. He had arrived at 
this conclushun after givin the subjeck matoor con- 
siderashen. They all hed some property now — 
leastways they could all do wat they pleased with 
their money. Troo, the heft uv the proceeds uv 
their labor went to Pollock for dry goods, and gro- 
ceries, and sich, but he bleeved that they wuz a 
imitative race. Ef so, and they followed the eggs- 
ample sot em by their white sooperiors, they wood, 
in time, laave the heft uv it at his bar. He hed a 
few uv em under trainin now, and he notist that 
they wuz better customers than the whites, ez they 
didn't swaller their rashens and tell him to "jist 
chalk it down." 

A sense uv the meetin wuz then taken, and a 
majority voted to fust try to redoose them to their 
normal condishen, and ef that wuz decided to be 
impracticable, then we cood, with still better grace, 
demand their valyoo uv the Goverment. 

" Yes," exclaimed Kernel McPelter, " and for 
21 



332 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

this great work ther is no better time than now. 
' The Yoonyun ez it wuz ! * Foller me ! " 

And forthwith the entire congregashun piled out, 
rushin toward the nigger settlement on the Garretts- 
town road. 

Arrivin at the settlement, a consultashen wuz held. 
It wuz desided that I shood advance to the doors uv 
the houses and demand surrender, but I declined. 
Kernel McPelter volunteered, and we all awaited 
the result. He knocked at the door uv the first 
house. 

"Wha* d'ye want?" exclamed a voice. 

" I want yoo ! " said the Kernel. 

"Wa' foah?" 

"My friend," sed the Kernel, impressively, " ef I 
recognize yoor dulcet tone, yoor my nigger. Four 
years ago yoo wuz set free, you sposed, by Linkin ; 
but we've done away with that. Come forth, and 
give yoorself up ; you shel, ef yoo go peaceably, 
hev yoor old quarters agin, and be treated ez uv 
old." 

" Go way, white man, and stop yoor foolin. Dis 
nigga 's in bed ! " 

" Break down the doors ! " yelled the Deekin, 
" and hev done with it ! " and a rush wuz made. 

The doors wuz broke down, and in a minit the 



The November Elections. 323 

nigger and his wife, and two children, wiiz out in 
the street, bound, and the Kernel hed the furnitoor 
packt, ready to take to his own house. In the mean 
time assaults hed bin made on two other houses, with 
ruther different results. Deekin Pogram led one on 
the house uv a former slave uv hizzen, and wuz 
disabled by a charge uv shot in his leg, and the 
infooriated nigger threw open the winder and swore 
that he'd empty tother barrel into the head uv the 
first man who came within range. The whole set- 
tlement wuz by this time alarmed, and lites sprang 
up, and we cood hear the click of the cocks uv 
muskets, and the pilin up uv furnitoor afore the 
doors. It wuz desided that the attempt to re-enslave 
em be given over for that nite, and carryin the Dee- 
kin, who wuz weak from loss uv blood, we made 
our way to the Corners agin. 

The result demonstrated to me the impossibility 
uv the two races livin together in harmony. There 
is a natral antagonism between em wich must result 
inevitably in a war uv races, onless the status uv the 
two races is fixed by onalterable law. It can't be • 
denied that, so long ez they are among us, so long 
shel we be tempted to subdoo em, and so long will 
sich sole-harrowin scenes ez that uv last nite result. 
Ez I heer the groans uv that prostrated saint, Dee- 



324 Ekkoes from Kentucky. 

kin Pogram (this is written at his bedside in the 
intervals uv feedin him likker with a spoon), I feel 
ez tho I must vindicate my birth by goin out and 
killin a nigger. Nothin but the oncertainty ez to 
who wood be killed restrains me. Thank Heaven, 
next yeer, when Seymore or Pendleton is President, 
and the unconstitooshnel acts uv a Rump Congress 
is done away with, all this will be fixt. It is this 
that soothes the Deekin, and enables him to endoor 
his sufFerins. 

Petroleum V. Nasby, P. M. 

(Wich is Postmaster). 



Bfcd 



/