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$a^

The Arthxir and Elizabeth

SCHLESINGER LIBRARY

on the History of Women

in America

RADCLIFFE INSTITUTE

ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF ETIQUETTE

tHURtH DECORATED WITH BRIDAL ARCHES

ENCYCLOPEDIA
OF ETIQUETTE

WHAT TO WRITE WHAT TO WEAR
WHAT TO DO WHAT TO SAY

A BOOK OF MANNERS FOR
EVERYDAY USE

EMILY HOLT

McCLURE, PHILLIPS & CO.

NEW YORK

MCMII

riMT IMPRISnON JANUARY, I9OI ; SKCOND^ '

IMPRESSION APRIL, I9OI ; THIRD IMPRESSION '

OCTOBER, 1 901 ; FOURTH IMPRESSION SEP-
TIMBER, 1902

CONTENTS

Introductions . . . .

II.

VxALLS •••••<

' 17

III.

Cards ......

• 45

IV.

Dinners ......

. 70

Table Manners . . . .

108

VI.

Balls ......

. 118

VII.

Weddings ....

. 174

VIII.

Luncheons and Breakfasts

• 239

IX.

Theatre and Opera

. 252

Visiting and House Parties .

. 263

XI.

Receptions ....

. 287

XII.

MUSICALES . . . . .

• 303

XIII.

Garden Parties . . . .

. 308

XIV.

Funerals . . . . .

- 319

XV.

Christenings . . . . ,

• 343

XVI.

Bachelor Hospitalities .

• 352

XVII.

Sport ......

' 359

XVIII.

In Public . . . . ,

• 372

XIX.

Correspondence . . . ,

. 381

XX.

Children . . . . .

. 400

XXI.

Servants ......

• 413

A NOTE

For the pictures showing floral decorations we are
indebted to Charles Thorley; for the illustrations of
men's liveries we acknowledge the courtesy of Brooks
Brothers and the Cheltenham Press. The photographs
of table arrangements and of the proper dress for
maids in service were made especially for us and are
here reproduced for the first time. .

ILLUSTRATIONS

Church Decorated with Bridal Arches

Dinner Table

Plan of One Cover for Dinner Table
Decorations for Church Wedding

Decorations for House Wedding

Luncheon Table .

Indoor Liveries

Outdoor Liveries .

Dress for Maids in Service .

FACnfO

Title

. 84

. 88
. 196
. aoo
. 242
. 418
. 422
. 426

Chapter ONE

3ntroDurttou0

Form of Introduction

THE simplest method is always the best.
Mrs. Edwardsy let me present Mr. Vincent j
is a form properly used on almost any
occasion. Let me make you acquainted
withy is an awkward and now obsolete
phrase. In introducing men to women, the woman's
name is always spoken first and the gentleman pre-
sented to the lady. Very frequently, where a man
introduces one of his own sex to a woman, he uses the
following as being somewhat more complimentary :
Mrs. Edwards y Mr. Vincent desires to be presented to you.
When asking permission of a lady to bring up and
introduce a masculine stranger it is only necessary to
say. Miss Browny may I present my friend Blanky he is
very eager to know yoUy I hope you have no objections.
On the lady's acquiesence the presentation would then
be directly made in the simplest form.

In making a stranger known to a group .of guests, a
host or hostess, if the new-comer is a woman, would
usually say, Mrs. Edwardsy let me present Miss Browny
Miss Dora Browny Captain Blanky and Doctor Jones.

2 Encyclopadia of Etiquette [Chapter

But should it be necessary to perform this always rather
awkward feat in behalf of a young woman or of a gen-
tleman, the master or mistress of ceremonies may dis-
pense with all superfluous wording and mentioning first
the name of the stranger, specify the guesfs or fnends
present by their proper titles and surnames — thus :
Miss EdwardSy Mrs. JoneSy Mrs. Mason^ Mr. Mason.

The mistake must never be made of leading a lady
about a room full of guests and introducing her to as
many persons as possible. A debutante or youthful
member of society may be conducted across a drawing-
room or ball-room, in order to be presented to a woman
older than herself^ some stately dowager or distin-
guished matron ; and when the introduction to be
made is of a man to a woman, the man is always taken
to the lady.

Where there is a palpable diflference in the ages of
two women the younger is introduced to the elder —
Mrs. Browriy let me present Mrs. Jones. An unmarried
woman is invariably presented to a matron, unless the
spinster is very evidently much the older person. Two
matrons between whose ages it would be invidious to
draw a distinction may be formally introduced by a
mode that holds the balance of deference due them
quite even — Mrs. Thompson, this is Mrs. Brown ; Mrs.
Brown, Mrs. Thompson.

In making men known to one another, the distinc-
tions are not so finely drawn. A young man pr a
bachelor would naturally be presented to a white-haired
and venerable gentleman, and a simple citizen to a
senator, governor, or judge. Where age and dignities
and titles play no part, it is sufficient to say, Mr.
Brown, Mr. Jones.

One] 3ftttrotiuctiottsf 3

Special Introductions

NOT infrequently it happens that a man or woman,
for a special reason, desires, and manoeuvres, by
previous requests on both sides, to bring strangers
together through the medium <5f an introduction. In
such a case, the introduction should be accompanied
by an expression of gratification, as, for instance : //
gives me great pleasure to present Mr. Brown to yoUy
Mrs. Jones ; or. This is Mr. Brown^ Mrs. Jones ; it
gives me great pleasure to present him to you.

Now and then a hostess, when making introduc-
tions, can establish an immediate and pleasant under-
standing between her guests by letting fall some sen-
tence that will give them a clue to one another's
identity and interests, as, for example : Mrs. Brown,
let me introduce Professor Staffordy who is just home, like
your self y from a trip round the world ; or. Miss Cameron^
you must know Miss Fordyce^ who can tell you all about the
art-student life of Paris y in which you are so interested.

In introducing one's relations less formality is ob-
served than in other cases. Thus : Mrs. Edwards^ I
want my sister to know you ; Mother y this is Mr. Jones;
Miss Hazeltony I dorCt think my father has yet had the
pleasure of meeting you; or, Miss Hazeltony my brother
asks me to present him, in hopes you have a dance to sparCy
are all good modes of making presentations.

Introduce Carefully

IT is the rare man or woman who succeeds in mak-
ing an introduction effectively. The common
fault is to gabble or mumble names in careless haste
or foolish embarrassment, thereby leaving the persons

4 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

presented in total ignorance of each other's identity and
robbing the ceremony of its usefulness and meaning.
Deliberation and distinct enunciation are essential to
the adequate performance of this very important social
rite. It is no disgrace when the name of a guest
escapes a host or hostess^ and in such case, it is proper
to say quietly, Forgive me, but I cannot recall your name
at this moment ; or, / am very stupid, and at this instant
your name escapes me ; and then, having received the
required information, to proceed with the introduction.

Acknowledging an Introduction

A WOMAN in her own house invariably extends
her hand, when any one is presented to her,
saying at the same time in a cordial tone, Mr. [or Mrs.^
Brown y I am very glad to meet you, or, How do you do. Miss
Jones; it is a great pleasure to know you. In other cases it
is usually sufficient for a woman to bow politely and
repeat the name of the person presented. There are
those, though, who follow the less recognized practice
of bowing slightly and saying. How do you. Miss
Brown, or Mr. Jones, or whatever the name may
be. A young lady, unless she is playing the part of
hostess, does not express in words any marked gratifi-
cation when a gentleman is presented to her ; but a
man of any age, on being presented to a lady, is re-
quired to signify his pleasure by an amiable phrase,
such as, / am very happy to meet you. Miss Brown.

Shaking Hands

SHE who always offers her hand upon accepting an
introduction conveys thereby a sign of cordial
welcome of the acquaintance, but in formally fashion-

One] 3^nttotiuctton0 s

able society none but hostesses pursue this course. The
studied inclination of the head, a very fleeting smile,
and a murmur of the name, constitute full recognition
of an introduction, in the eyes of many who regard their
bearing as the expression of the correctest form and
who look upon an offer of hand-shaking as a mark of
impulsive provincialism. In a rather crowded draw-
ing-room where, for convenience sake, many introduc-
tions are made rapidly, this ceremonious and methodi-
cal mode is certainly to be commended; but at other
times and seasons it leaves an unpleasant impression of
extreme formality, and a woman, whose prerogative it is
to take the initiative on this point, will not greatly err
in almost unvaryingly offering her hand.

Rising to Receive an Introduction

A HOSTESS invariably rises to accept an introduc-
tion to either a man or woman. A woman, while
a suest at a ball, dinner, or afternoon tea, does not rise
when a man is presented to her ; nor when she is one
of a group to which a woman is introduced, unless it is
one who is somewhat older than herself or a person of
distinction, or unless she is seated beside her hostess,
who, naturally, rises to greet a new-comer. In all
other circumstances^ a woman rises to receive an intro-
duction to one of her own sex. It is scarcely necessary
to say that a man always stands when any introduction
takes place in which he has part, whether the person to
whom he is made known is man or woman, old or
young.

It is discreet and polite to give attention when a
stranger is presented, in order to catch the name ; but on
failing in this, a woman introduced to a person older

6 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

than herself, has a right to ask, gently. Will you not
tell me whom I have the pleasure of meetings for I was not
clever enough to catch your name ? To a person nearer
her own age she may say, with less ejaboration, Mrs.
Brown called you Miss Jones y did she not ? The same
rules apply as well to men.

A guest is not at liberty to refuse recognition of an
introduction made by the host or hostess, though the
person presented should be an enemy of long standing.
It must be presumed that the hostess is ignorant of the
true situation, and it is, therefore, no injury to one's
dignity to bow politely, as if meeting for the first time
a total stranger ; and then any further intercourse can
be tactfully avoided.

When to Introduce

A HOSTESS is entitled to make all and any intro-
ductions she sees fit. Into some parts of
America has crept the English custom of letting the
roof answer as an introduction, so to speak ; for in
fashionable London society a hostess takes it for
granted that her guests understand that she would in-
vite none but well-bred persons to her house, and
that, therefore, they are safe in addressing strangers
whom they encounter in her drawing-room. This is
all very well in theory and under a lofty interpretation
of the sacred trust of hospitality ; but Americans do
not as yet take kindly to the custom, and a hostess who
introduces gracefully and thoroughly will be far more
appreciated and prove more successful in her enter-
tainment than one in whose house presentations are
dispensed with.

One] S^tto'trntUom 7

Introductions at a Dinner Party

THE obligation of a hostess is to introduce all
of her guests to each other at a small dinner
party. At a large dining she must be sure to introduce
those persons who are to go in together to table^ and
she should make as many more presentations as she
can contrive without disturbing her guests. She must
not, however, introduce persons at the table ; and she
should not obviously incommode herself to make intro-
ductions. After dinner, when the women collect in
the drawing-room, she can gracefully contrive to make
known to each other those who have not previously
met. As the men come in, after their cigars, she may
present them to the ladies whom they did not meet
before the meal. When entertaining a guest of honor
or a distinguished person, it is well to present the
special guest to every other sometime in the course of
the evening. A hostess is not entitled, however, to
interrupt a conversation in order to make introductions
or to thrust an introduction upon a guest who is in the
act of departing.

On her day at home, a lady receiving introduces
every newcomer to the guests who are near at hand.
At a reception, she presents her guests as they arrive
to whoever stands beside her to assist in receiving, but
only under exceptional conditions does she leave her
place to make guests known to each other.

Introductions at Balls

AT private balls, the hostess introduces her guests
on their entrance to the debutante daughter,
friend, or whoever receives beside her, and throughout

8 Rncyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

the evening, as opportunities offer, she makes as many
introductions as possible. Chaperons present as
many dancing-men to their protegees as chance casts
in their way ; but at small dances, slight ceremony is
observed among the young people ; the girls freely in-
troduce their partners to their particular girl friends,
and the young men present their comrades to their
partners without asking permission to do so. The
daughters of a house in which a dance is given, as well
as their ihother, must not fail constanuy to observe
their guests, in order to introduce possible partners to
those who appear to have a limited acquaintance or
who sit alone and neglected. At large balls and on
any very formal occasion, before a gentleman is pre-
sented to a lady by a gendeman, it is safest, and most
flattering to the lady, to request her permission to
make the introduction. Very punctilious persons
nearly always follow this rule.

At public and subscription balls, the guests do not
expect to be introduced to the ladies of the reception
committee as they enter, nor are these splendid figure-
heads obligated to make any of the exertions imposed
on hostesses in introducing guests to one another. At
such balls a young woman must rely upon her chap-
eron and escort and any friends to discover and present
the dancing-men.

Introductions in Public

INTRODUCTIONS in public are made only as a
matter of convenience, and rarely merit subsequent
recognition. Should two women meet in the street, at
the church door, or in a shop or theatre lobby, and one
of them be accompanied by a friend who is a stranger

One] 3fhtrotmcttong 9

to the other, an introduction would not be timely or
necessary, if only a momentary halt and exchange of civ-
ilities was made. But should a prolonged conversation
ensue, the strangers must then be formally introduced.
On golf links or tennis courts, or in similar public or
semi-public places, where people are brought tempo-
rarily into an intimate group, for play or some similar
purpose, the person of most authority and acquaintance
with the others will wisely make the rapid and rather
perfunctory introduction that consists in a mere men-
tion of the names of the persons present. This is
nothing more than a temporary expedient to relieve
the occasion of any difficulty or formality.

Indirect Introductions

WHAT might be described as indirect, or
hurried, introductions are often made when
a careful ceremonious, or direct, introduction is not
convenient or necessary. An indirect introduction is
often necessary for the purpose of bringing two per-
sons into conversation momentarily and to avoid any
stiffness on an occasion. For example, a hostess in
conversation with one person will turn to another near
by and say, Mrs. Browtiy Mrs. Jones was just telling
uSy etc.

Such a semi-introduction is of service to a hostess
in rendering conversation general, and in affording her
opportunities for turning her attention in the direction
of new arrivals. But for the strangers thus brought
together it often creates a situation that they find not
easy to deal with Thus, when a hostess breaks off
a conversation in which she has endeavored to include
two ladies previously unknown to each other, no little

10 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

hesitation is often experienced as to whether the sub-
ject should be continued or be allowed to drop. The
latter is often found to be the easier course. Or
perhaps a few desultory remarks are made, and then
the two ladies separate. Then, at departing, should
persons rather unceremoniously introduced offer to
shake hands, or bow ; or should they take no notice
of each other ? Which is the right thing to do ? Or,
suppose some such indirect introduction has been
made by a hostess after dinner, and the two ladies
introduced have found congenial topics and continued
their conversation, what should they do on taking
leave ; and at a future meeting, should any recognition
take place ? Ought they to speak, or merely to bow,
or should they look as if they had not previously
met ? Finally, when a gentleman has been indirectly
introduced to a young girl, and has talked to her a
little, and perhaps given her some tea, at the hostess's
request, or has shown her any other trifling civility,
should she bow to him on leaving, or when meeting
him elsewhere?

In answer to such natural doubts and queries, it is
only necessary to say that a woman does not bow
to a man of whose name she is ignorant and to whom
she has not been carefully introduced. If on a first
casual meeting, when no direct introduction was made,
she has found him agreeable, she may, on some future
occasion, ask that he be formally presented to her.
Between women who have been slightly or formally
introduced, if no conversation has taken place no duty
arises to subsequently recognize each other; and the
same rule holds good between men and between a man
and a woman. If on the strength of a semi-introduc-

One] 3lhttotntctton0 "

tion, women in conversation develop a liking for each
other or discover that they have a friendship in common,
the elder or more important woman may, as they
part, offer her hand, saying, // is a great pleasure
to have met you; and thereafter they should bow
and converse when meeting. The elder or the
married woman has the right to take the initia-
tive in subsequently recognizing the strength of
the introduction. Women assume this privilege also
with men ; but it is not necessary to do more than bow
and murmur farewells when parting from a person
introduced at a reception, a dance or a dinner with
whom the guest has exchanged none but the most
formal speeches, unless the person introduced was
receiving with the hostess, or was her relative or a guest
of honor.

Letters of Introduction

IT is scarcely polite or politic to ask for a letter of
introduction ; a well-bred person of fine sensi-
bilities will leave such a kindness entirely to the im-
pulses of the friend who, it may be, is able, but for
a variety of good reasons unwilling to give it. A
letter of introduction should never be drawn, so to
speak, on any but those relatives or friends who, its
author is fully confident, will be amiable and inclined
to honor it to its full value. And on the other hand,
such a letter should never be given to any one whom
the author is not ready to cordially vouch for and
recommend. There are weak, good-natured people
who, when boldly solicited by some tactless person for
a card of introduction, dare not refuse to give it, and
so are driven into the subterfuge of writing ahead to

12 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

warn the person to whom the card is addressed to
beware of its bearer. Ample excuses may be readily
and truthfully given for refusing to accede to the request
for a letter of mtroduction without wounding the pride
of the person requesting it. When introducing a
friend to a friend through the agency of a letter, it is
always safest and best to write privately, in advance of
the presentation of the letter, giving the person to
whom it is addressed some notice of its coming, and
also more intimately outlining the character, tastes and
social position of its bearer than could possibly be done
in the letter itself. This is especially wise when, for
instance, the bearer of the letter is in mourning, or is
in need of some special assistance, or is the victim of
some peculiar prejudices or unhappy circumstances.
Letters of introduction usually are in the form of brief
notes or consist of a word or two written on a visiting
card. There is a somewhat more delicate compliment
implied in a few carefully worded sentences on a note
sheet than in the visiting-card alone. A note of intro-
duction does not gracefully cover more than a page and
a half of medium-sized note paper, and should be con-
fined strictly to the one office or naming and presenting
the person in whose behalf it is written. In such a
note news of domestic happenings and references to
the health of the writer's family or the family of the per-
son to whom the note is written are not in good taste.

Models for Notes of Introduction

Baltimore^

June jrd^ /p — .
My dear Mrs, Goodhue:

It gives me the greatest pleasure to introduce to you my

One] 9nttotiuction£( 13

friend^ Mm WyUe^ of Boston jwho will he stopping /or a month with
her mother y at the Cliff Hotels in your gay seaside town. I feel that
I am conferring a benefit on you both in making you known to one
another^ and any kindness you may show these agreeable ladies will
be as deeply appreciated by me as by them*

Pray remember me to your husband and daughters. With
kindest regards ^ I am

Sincerely yours^

Mary V. Bolton.

Fremonty Ohio.

February 2ndj ip — .
My dear Mrs. Rutherford:

I would think it most kind of you to show any civilities in
your power to our friends^ Mr. and Mrs. ff^ainright^ who are
going to New Orleans to test the charms of your Carnival Season
and try the benefit of a complete change for Mrs. fVainrighfs
health. She and her husband are prepared to thoroughly appreci-
ate all the picturesque beauty of your hospitable city^ of which they
have heard such enthusiastic accounts from our own family. With
kindest regards from us ally

I am sincerely yoursy

Emma Blount.

New Tbrky ip — .

June jrd.
Dear Maxwell :

This will be presented by my friendy Edward Thorncy in
whose behalf I bespeak some of the invaluable advice and assistance
that I so appreciated and profited by on my first trip to London.
Thorne hopes to do a little business, but more sight^seeingy in your
great cityy and any civilities you may be able to show him will noty
I assure youyfall on stony ground.

Faithfully yoursy

Franklin B. Hutton.

14 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

A note of introduction must be placed in an envel-
ope bearing the address of the person to whom the
introduction is made, but left unsealed.

A Card of Introduction

AC ARD of introduction is merely the giver's visit-
ing card with the name of the person whom it is
to introduce written above the engraved name of the
giver of the card — thus :

Introducing Miss Helen R. Rollins

Mrs. Henry B. Matthews

46 West loth St,

A card so prepared should be placed in a card
envelope, but left unsealed, and addressed to the person
to whom the introduction is to be made ; and it is well
to inscribe in the lower left-hand corner of the envelope
also. Introducing Miss Helen R. Rollins.

One] Shttrotittcttottg 15

How to Present a Note of Introduc-
tion

IT is rather difficult to present in person a note or
card of introduction, tiiough men occasionally pre-
fer to do so. It is done in this wise. In the afternoon
or evening a call is made at the house of the person to
whom the introduction is addressed, and the card or
note, in its unsealed envelope, along with the bearer's
own visiting card, is offered to the servant at the door.
If the person for whom the card is intended is not at
home, It is the safest to slip both cards into the one
envelope, seal the envelope, and leave it with the
servant. For a woman, however, the invariable custom
is to stamp the envelope containing the introductory
note or card, slip into it a card giving her name and
address, and trust it to the post for safe delivery.

The Reception of a Note of Introduc-
tion

WHEN the bearer of a note or card of intro-
duction is a woman a call must be paid her
promptly — that is, within forty-eight hours of the re-
ception of the note or card. The call should then be
followed by the offer of some hospitality. If it is im-
possible to call, a note should be written acknowledging
the receipt of the introduction ; and unless mourning,
illness, or a speedy departure from home prevents, a
very earnest effort to entertain the bearer of the
introductory missive is requisite. A woman should
follow this latter course m dealing with a note
of introduction presented by a man. Unless infirm

i6 Encyclop(Bdta of Etiquette

from age or an invalid, she should most certainly honor
first by a call, and then by an invitation an introduc-
tion to a woman. And a man must first call upon
and then entertain to the best of his ability a man in-
troduced to him by letter. When a lady bears a letter
of introduction to a gentleman, she posts it to him
along with her card, and he responds by a call at the
very earliest opportunity. If he is a bachelor, with no
sisters or a mother who can entertain his new acquain-
tance for him, many courtesies still lie in his power of
bestowal. For to call merely and then believe that
the whole duty of recognizing the introduction is
done, or to wait a week before calling and then pre-
sent some lame excuse for tardiness, is to prove one-
self either painfully ignorant of, or reprehensibly in-
different to, the laws of good breeding.

Having called upon and entertained the person who
comes with a letter of introduction, there remains no
further obligation for self-sacrifice on the altar of duty
and friendship.

Persons, however, who cultivate all the nice
points of social conduct do not fail, after the lapse of a
few weeks following an acquaintance brought about by
a note of introduction, to write a kindly note of
acknowledgment and thanks to the person who made
the presentation.

chapter TfFO

Call0

When to Pay Calls

FORMAL calls, in the dty and during the
season of winter gaiety, are paid between
three and half-past five o'clock in the
afternoon. Calls of ceremony are never
exchanged between women in the morn-
ing, in the evening, or on Sunday afternoon un-
less business is to be transacted or an interview has
been arranged by special appointment. It is permis-
sible, however, to make a morning call for the purpose
of investigating a servant's recommendation ; to ask a
lady, though a stranger, to serve on a committee for
charity work, or to inquire after a friend's health. Such
calls are not reckoned in the social account. It is the
rule, when calling upon a stranger, or an acquaintance
whose name is not on one's visiting list, or on a friend
with whom some matter of business is to be discussed,
not to time the interview on the lady's afternoon at
home, if she keeps one.

It is also the rule not to prolong such calls unduly ;
that is, beyond the time it requires to state the mission
of the call and settle the business involved, unless, of
course, the person called upon chooses to do so.

The day at home is a purely social occasion, and

1 8 Encyclopaedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

calls, to congratulate, to show appreciation of some
hospitality, or for the pleasure of friendly intercourse,
are paid then, if possible. It is always more consid-
erate and complimentary to observe a friend's day at
home, if she has issued cards appointing one, than to
pay her chance calls on other days. Such are the rules
for fashionable society in large cities. In towns, at
watering-places, and in country neighborhoods, morn-
ing and evening calls and calls after church or in the
afternoon on Sunday, are frequently the local custom.
In these places a call lasts very much longer than in
the busy city. Every woman, on settling in a neigh-
borhood or town, for a season or longer, should be at
pains to find out the calling hours established by the
social leaders of the locality and conform to them,
both in receiving and paying visits, whatever her per-
sonal preferences may be.

When Men Call

THE American man, because of the exactions of
his business, is allowed to utilize the evenings
and Sunday afternoons for paying his social calls. In
fashionable society in the large cities a gentleman may
present himself at a lady's door after half-past eight or
even as late as nine o'clock in the evening. In society
which keeps earlier hours than are kept in New York,
say, or Boston, a caller may arrive at eight, or even so
early as half-past seven in the evening. Sunday after-
noon calls begin at three o'clock. The specification,
however, of these times and seasons does not preclude
a young man or a married one, for that matter, from
paying his call on a lady's day at home. In the
country men are privileged to call in the morning.

Two] Callg ^

Who Pays the First Call

BRIDES and strangers newly arrived in a neighbor-
hood never make, but wait to receive first calls.
Women who have been invited to visit, or during the
summer season have been entertained, in a friend's
house in the country, must be among the first, directly
their hostess returns to town, to call upon her. When
there exists no previous indebtedness on either side, and,
after a summer's holiday, two women arrive in their
houses on very nearly the same date, the younger
usually calls upon the elder first. Where the differ-
ences in their ages is very slight, the one who returns
to town first makes the initial call or the unmarried
calls first on the married woman. Should a member of
society be in arrears for hospitality or an invitation re-
ceived in the foregoing winter season, she pays the
initial visit at the commencement of a new season,
without reference to the age of her friend or the date of
her friend's return to the city. Two women meeting
at a watering-place, or in town at the house of a com-
mon friend, may exchange cards, and not infrequently
the question arises as to who shall call first on the
other. An unmarried woman would call first on a
matron, or a younger woman pays this compliment to
one decidedly older than herself, whether both are
matrons or single; otherwise the matter is decided by
opportunity or inclination.

These last are delicate points, the ruling on which is
given to aid those in doubt and anxious to follow the
formal and very correct usage. Ordinarily, even in
the most stately and fashionable society, when the win-
ter season begins, first calls are received by those who

20 Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

issue their at-home cards first. The routine of calling
begins without strict reference to courtesies extended
or received in the foregoing winter.

Country Calls

A CUSTOM, more or less strictly observed, at
watering-places and in country neighbor-
hoods, is for those settled earliest in their summer
cottages to call first on the later arrivals, and for
the migratory cottagers to receive first calls from
the all -t he-year-round residents. Cottagers, in turn,
make the preliminary call of welcome on their
friends who put up at near-by hotels. In large cities
it is not the custom for established residents of a street
to call upon strangers newly located in their block, and
in New York, Boston, and Chicago families live for
years without courting or desiring the acquaintance of
their next-door neighbors. In small towns and coun-
try districts, just the opposite is the rule, and strang-
ers expect to be formally and gracefully welcomed
into the society of the neighborhood by the first calls
of the leading matrons and their families. These calls
should not be too long delayed, but be made so soon
as the strangers have settled in their new home, at
whatever calling hour is the fashion in that town or lo-
cality. To wait six months or a year before calling on
new neighbors is scarcely a compliment, unless illness
or bereavement can be oflFered as an excuse.

Obligatory Calls

IT is not only a civility, but a social necessity, when
one has served as a bridesmaid, maid of honor,
usher, or best man, to call upon the bride's mother

Two] Calls

shortly after the wedding, and upon the bride directly
after she returns from her honeymoon. The guests at
a home wedding, wedding reception or breakfast must
call in due course on the mother of the bride, and later
on the bride. It is an obligation to call on one's host-
ess after a dinner, a breakfast, a musicale, or a luncheon.
But for men as well as women the dinner call is
of paramount importance. It is paid within a fort-
night after the dinner, and whether the invitation was
accepted or not. When a dinner or ball invitation is
declined and no call is made afterwards, a hostess has
every reason to feel deeply offended, and to accept the
slight as a sign that her friendship and hospitality are
not desired. Only very ignorant or ill-bred persons
pursue such a course with a view to dropping an un-
desirable acquaintance. If one wishes to drop an ac-
quaintance, one should carefully pay the required call,
and then let the interchange of visits cease. A hostess
who is heedful of all nice social observances will take
pains to call upon a new acquaintance before offering her
any hospitality ;and she will also be careful to call or leave
cards on a woman not of her acquaintance to whom she
has been asked to give an invitation, particularly if the
stranger is the guest or a relative of a good friend.
However, both of these obligations are reversed where
the would-be hostess is a much older woman than the
lady she invites to her house, and under such condi-
tions the call is not obligatory.

A man or woman invited through the influence of
a fnend to a private entertainment is obliged to call
upon the hostess of the occasion after the entertain-
ment, whether the invitation was accepted or not.
When a man has served as a pall-bearer, he is required

22 Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

to call on the bereaved family within ten days or three
weeks after the funeral, though this call is rarely more
than the leaving of a card, along with a kindly inquiry.

Returning Calls

FIRST calls in the season are returned by a careful and
diplomatic woman very promptly— on the next
reception day of the person who has made the call, if
she has a reception day ; and if she has none, then
at any propitious time within a week or fortnight.
After this polite exchange of civilities, a longer period
between visits may be allowed to elapse, though it is
never kind or courteous to wait from six weeks to two
months before returning a call, especially the first in a
season, from an acquaintance. Calls exchanged once
in twelve months mdicate, in fashionable society, the
continuance of a purely formal acquaintance. A call
must be answered by a call, not by leaving a card at an
acquaintance's door.

Calls of condolence, of sympathy, of inquiry and
congratulations are usually answered by sending cards
as directed in the following chapter. When, at the
request of a friend or relative, a hostess extends the
hospitality of her home to a feminine stranger, she is
not obligated to return the call which the stranger
naturally pays her after the entertainment. She may
return it, however; and a woman invited through
the good offices of a friend to an entertainment given
at the house of a stranger can easily discover if the
hostess of the occasion desires her further acquaintance
by the simple expedient of waiting to see if her duty
call is returned. A man after paying the duty call to
one who has entertained him at the request of an-

Two] Calls

other must not call again unless asked to do so, or
unless his hostess, of her own notion, extends further
hospitality to him.

An Invalid's Calls

A MEMBER of society who is ill through the
season, may return the calls of her friends by
proxy. A sister or a daughter may be delegated to
tulfil this duty. A daughter would call on all of her
mother's friends, introducing herself to matrons whose
acquaintance she has not made before and briefly ex-
plaining in whose stead she appears.

Calling with a Friend

IN the matter of returning calls perplexing questions
not infrequently arise, in this wise : A lady, in
returning a call, is accompanied by a friend with whom
she is driving and the two go in together; not that
they both intend to pay a call, only the one, and this
one introduces her fnend. Now whether the appear-
ance of this person introduced should be regarded and
treated as a formal call or not is a question that is
rather apt to trouble the recipient of^it. The best
inference seems to be that it is not a call, but a chance
introduction only, made as a matter of convenience.

Another difficulty with regard to calling is the doubt
as to whether, when returning a call, it is allowable, or
even advisable, to be accompanied by a relative or friend
who may happen to be paying the caller a short visit.
On this point, however, no uncertainty need exist ; a
relative may, unquestionably, accompany the caller and
be introduced to the lady called upon as a matter of
course. But in case the lady called upon is announced

24 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

as not at home, and cards are left, the name of the
accompanying person should not appear on the cards,
for, strictly speaking, the call is in no wise from her.

A man must not take another man to call upon
ladies of his, but not of his friend's acquaintance,
without first asking and receiving permission to do so,
except in the case of ladies whom he has known long and
rather intimately. A young gentleman who is desirous of
the privilege or calling upon a young lady is permitted
to seek the good offices of some common friend to
secure for him this permission and introduce him to
the lady's house. When the lady has consented to
receive him, he is not entitled to make his first call
alone, but must be accompanied by the man or woman
who has secured for him the privilege. But after
that, he is entitled to call alone.

Perplexing Points in Calling

ONLY by persons who are removing to a new
place of residence or departing for an absence
that is to endure for a year or more are calls paid to
bid farewell ; and then usually only one's nearest and
most intimate friends are so honored. Ordinarily one
going on a journey merely leaves for, or posts to, her
or his visiting acquaintances P. p. c. cards. When a
woman receives a call from one of her own sex whose
friendship she does not care to cultivate, etiquette
demands a very prompt leaving of cards in return, or
a return of the call within three days ; and thereafter
cards can be left at long intervals until the connection
is dropped by common consent.

It not infrequently happens that a lady on driving
to a house to call, finds her friend's carriage at the

two] Calls

door ; but she should still proceed with her call, and
not beat a retreat, postponing the call until another
day. She will, doubtless, be informed that her friend
is at home, but is going out driving at once ; in that
case, cards should be left as if noi at home had
been the reply. To put off calling to a future day
delays the call due and nothing is gained by the post-
ponement. On the other hand it often happens in the
country, that a lady on calling bent meets out driving
the friend toward whose house she is going. When
this is so the intended call should not be paid.

Am I privileged to call on my friend while she is
visiting in the house of one with whom I have no
acquaintance, or with whom I have severed all pleasant
connections ? This is a question that comes to every
man and woman in time, and requires a satisfactory
answer. It is eminently proper to call on a friend
without knowing her hostess, but the caller must ask
to see, and leave a card for the mistress of the
house. If acquaintance is claimed with the hostess as
well as the visitor, the caller should ask to see both.
But it is never permitted to call upon a visitor in a
family with which the caller is at enmity.

When a member of society announces the presence
of a woman guest in her house, it is required of her
friends, both men and women, to call as promptly as
possible upon the guest and before offering her any
hospitalities.

Inviting an Acquaintance to Call

THE elder or the married woman usually assumes
the initiative in inviting a younger or an un-
married woman to exchange cards and calls with her.

26 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

On the first meeting, or even after a very indirect
introduction, a feminine member of society can, with
grace and sincerity, say to the lady whose conversation
or companionship inspires her liking, // would give
me great pleasure y Miss (or Mrs.) Blank, to see you on
my afternoon at home; or, / hope you will let me send
you my cards ; I am at home on Fridays ; or. May I
not ask for your card and send you mine. Miss Brown; it
will be such a pleasure to meet you again.

Instinctively a young or single woman awaits this
advance from a senior or matron. Where there is no
distinction to be made on the score of years, etc., a
mutual liking prompts the advance without careful
consideration on either side. The person invited to
call responds cordially and tends her card immediately
or promises to call and posts or leaves later her own
scrap of engraved bristol board.

While so little ceremony exists between women in
making up their calling lists, between men and women
more elaborate formalities are rightly observed. Since
there is a rule for nearly every ceremony in polite society
— z, rule with exceptions, of course — it is as well to first
give the regulations established by Mrs. Grundy on this
point, and later note the various deflections from it.

In fashionable society, a single woman, until she
has had several years of social experience, does not
invite young men to call upon her. A debutante may
expect that her mother or chaperon will ask those gen-
tlemen who offer her attentions to call ; and in doing
so, will specify both the days and hours when she and
her daughter, or charge, are to be found at home. In
certain sections of the United States a woman arro-
gates to herself the right to invite gentlemen to call

Two] Calls

upon her, while in other localities it is the polite cus-
tom for a gentleman first to ask this privilege and for
a lady to grant it. Both methods possess about equal
advantages and disadvantages, and the respective merits
or demerits need not be argued here.

It suffices to sav that when a young lady enters
the society of one of our great cities and to balls, etc.,
she is accompanied by her mother. On this chaperon
she should rely for a clever and tasteful choice of her
masculine friends. Having passed her twenty-fifth
year she should depend upon her own experience and
good judgment to guide her in her choice of acquain-
tances of the opposite sex, and frankly offer or grant
them the hospitalities of her parents' home.

No small amount of good sense is necessary in
order that a young woman may make very sure before-
hand that the privilege of calling upon her is really
desired. It is hardly wise to ask a man on a casual first
meeting to call ; and when an invitation has been ex-
tended and the recipient shows as time goes on no incli-
nation to profit by the permission, a dignified woman
could scarcely so far forget herself as to repeat her civility.

In that society which does not represent extremes
of wealth and fashion the gay, amiable but none the
less discreet and delicate-minded young girls claim the
right, from the moment of their debuts, to choose their
own men friends. The American mother, well aware
of the independence as well as clear good sense of her
daughter, gladly resigns to her this privilege. There
is, however, an unwritten law, in the code tollowed by
this genuine American girl, against asking a man to
call on first meeting, unless he is a friend or relative of
a good friend of her own and formally introduced, or

28 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

unless he proves an agreeable and gentlemanly per-
son, well known in her own circle of friends, and be-
trays very clearly his desire to enroll his name on
the list of her admirers.

On asking a gentleman to call, it is all-sufficient to
say, / hope you will come and see me, Mr. Blank ; my
mother and I are at home on Tuesday afternoons y or, /
should be very glad to see you at my home, Mr. Blank ;
we are usually at home in the evenings.

A matron who entertains her own and her hus-
band's men friends must not expect that married men,
absorbed in business and with little leisure to attend
to social details, will call upon her after every dinner
or supper enjoyed under her roof. She must needs
consider it all-sufficient if their cards are carefully left
by their wives ; but from her bachelor guests regular
duty calls are no more than her due.

If a man receives at a lady's door, several times in
succession, the announcement Not at homey he is
apt, very reasonably, to cherish a suspicion that his
presence is not wanted. Under such circumstances, if
the continuance of his friendship is desired, it is kind-
est and wisest to give him reassurance by extending
some hospitality. Where the unfortunate necessity
arises for intimating to a man that even his calling ac-
quaintance is not desired, it is all-sufficient for the
servant to beg at the door that her mistress be excused.
The dullest man should understand what is meant.

Women's Business Calls

A WOMAN never calls upon a man socially. A
business errand is the only occasion for a call
from a woman to a man ; and in such a case the lady.

Two] Calls

if possible, sees the clergyman, editor, lawyer, physician,
merchant, at his office and during his office hours.
Whether she calls by appointment or otherwise, she
sends in her name, but not her visiting card. She should
state her errand as briefly as possible, and should remem-
ber that in their offices men do not, as a rule, care to dis-
cuss social or domestic topics. A woman, when she is
obliged to call upon a man at his house and does not
enjoy any acquaintance with his family, should be
accompanied by a male relative or by a woman older
than herself; and she should send up her name, and
make her call quite short. It is absolutely essential for
her to be chaperoned, if she is obliged to call at a
bachelor apartment or at a studio ; and under no cir-
cumstances can a wife call upon even her husband at
his club.

When a woman has been entertained by a bachelor
in his apartments, she may drive to his door and send
up her card, adding that of the person who is attending
her as chaperon, if she wishes to be most punctilious.
A young lady, as a rule, receives her men callers with-
out the chaperonage of her mother. A mother, how-
ever, is an indiffisrent companion and guardian for her
young daughter, if she does not occasionally go into the
drawing-room and make some acquaintance with the
young men who have the entri of her house.

Calls of Condolence and Congratu-
lation

GALLS of condolence and congratulation are made
without reference to the regular social account
of visits paid and received. When a death is an-

30 Encyclop(Bdia of Etiquette [Chapter

nounced all friends and visiting acquaintances of the
bereaved family call immediately to leave their cards,
with expressions of sympathy as directed in the para-
graph on " When to Leave Cards" (see page 6;^). With-
m from ten days to three weeks after the funeral a call
of condolence is required. If there ismore than one
lady in the family the caller may ask to see only the
one member with whom special friendship is claimed,
or may ask, generally, to see the ladies. The
person or persons called upon, when their grief is
still poignant, may leave a courteous message with
the servant at the door begging to be excused. The
formal call of condolence, however, is gradually going
out of practice. Persons in affliction prefer, as a rule,
to see only their near friends ; and, on the other
hand, it is found much easier for those who hold the
relation of mere visiting acquaintances to send a
simple note of sympathy and personally leave their
cards, the cards being left, in that case, both before
and after the funeral. When a visit of condolence is
paid, it is best to make no reference to the bereave-
ment that occasions the visit, unless the caller is gifted
with rare tact, or unless the others themselves mtro-
duce the subject. To say on greeting the afflicted
friend, / trust you do not think me intrusive, but I
could not refrain from assuring you in person of my
sincerest sympathy, is a sufficient allusion to the
motive of the visit. If a quiet Thank you, I appre-
ciate your kindly thought of me, is the response and
no further reference is made to the caller's real mis-
sion, there then remains no need for an effort at fur-
ther consolation. It is just as well some times for a
caller, who finds the bereaved friends unwilling to re-

Two] Calls

vert to their loss and grief, to avoid all but cheering
topics of conversation until the moment of departure
arrives. Then, with a warm hand-clasp, it is adequate
to say, / am so glad to have seen you and in such good
spirits. My mother begs to be remembered with warmest
sympathy.

Persons in affliction should not receive calls of con-
dolence unless they are sure of their power to main-
tain composure. No obligation rests upon them to
refer directly to the loss they have sustained, and it is
both inconsiderate and undignified to receive condoling
visitors, unless near and dear friends, with streaming
eyes and harrowing allusions to the last illness and
separation.

Calls of congratulation are now warranted only by
intimacy or a friendship of long standing. They are
paid to an unmarried woman by both her women and
men friends when her engagement to marry is made
public, and to a married woman by her women friends
when the birth of a child is announced.

Calls of Inquiry

A CALL to inquire is nothing more than a form
of card-leaving. A sympathetic message, per-
haps a bouquet of flowers, and the visitor's card are
left with the servant at the door of a house where, for
example, there is illness ; or where a great financial loss,
or an injury by fire, has been sustained; or even where
disgrace has fallen on innocent persons. Such calls, in
these and similar misfortunes, are very necessary, and
indicate sincere sympathy and a desire to show a con-
tinuance of friendly feeling ; and they are as obligatory
on men as on women.

32 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

The Day at Home

THE day at home, in large cities, during the win-
ter season, and nowadays, at the fashionable
summer resorts, is an established and admirable social
institution, contributing to the convenience and plea-
sure of every one concerned. One afternoon in every
week or fortnight, usually from the first of November
until the beginning of Lent or the first of June, is set
aside by women who have a large circle of friends and
entertain frequently. The day chosen should be en-
graved on the visiting card ; and from three until six
or seven o'clock of the afternoon of that day the lady
must devote her time and energies to entertaining, with
conversation and slight refreshment, all those who call
in courteous acknowledgment of some hospitality re-
ceived or oflFered, or who wish to enjoy the pleasure of
her society.

A matron who has lived a long time in the same
house, whether in town or country, and has kept the
same day at home, season after season, does not, as a
rule, need to post cards to all her friends when she be-
gins her summer or winter seasons in society. But if
she changes her day at home, or her address, or decides
to be regularly at home on days during one month
only, or only at intervals through the season, then cards
to notify her friends of the fact must be prepared and
posted as directed in the chapter on Card Etiquette.

When a day is specially appointed for receiving, the
hostess should let nothing short of illness or important
business keep her from being in readiness to greet all
who pay her the compliment of presenting themselves
at her door. On all other days her servant may turn

Two] Calls

away callers with the message that the mistress of the
house is not at home, but to those who appear on the
day she has herself set for their coming a good and
sufficient excuse must be offered if she is absent.

Preparations for Receiving

THE afternoon at home is a very simple fiinction.
By three o'clock, the mistress of the occasion,
in a becoming and ornamental afternoon toilet, is in her
drawing-room ready to greet whoever comes. A
butler, maid, or page boy stands ready to answer the
door bell. To the visitors, soon after they arrive, af-
ternoon tea is served.

If a butler attends the door he wears his full even-
ing livery. A well-drilled man servant, on answering
the bell, leads the way to the drawing-room, at the door
of which he respectfully asks the caller's name; and then,
drawing back the portiere and standing aside, he an-
nounces the name at the moment the visitor enters.
On the departure of visitors, he stands ready in the
hallway to open the street door, to assist gentlemen
into their coats, and, in event of bad weather, to hand
ladies to their carriages under the shelter of an um-
brella. Sometimes the servant on duty offers the
visitor a small silver tray, on which to deposit his or
her cards, or a large tray is set conspicuously in the
hall and into these the cards can be cast as the caller
passes toward the drawing-room.

If a maid-servant attends the door, she wears a
dark, preferably a black, gown of simple design, white
turn-over cuffs and collar, a white cap, and a delicate
and immaculate white apron. She does not announce
visitors. She opens the street door, holds back the

34 Encyclopdedia of Etiquette [Chapter

drawing-room portiere, and offers a small silver tray
for the visitor's card.

A page boy wears black livery piped in red or yel-
low, or a suit of bottle green, navy blue, or brown
cloth. His trousers are long — to the foot, with or
without a piping of color on the outside seam of the
legs ; his coat is cut short on the hips, in a small point
at back and front, and fastens up to the chin with many
bullet-shaped brass or silver buttons. A bit of white
linen shows above his standing coat-collar and below
his buttoned cuffs, and his hands must be clad in
white gloves. He, like the maid, does not announce
visitors ; but simply conducts them to the drawing-
room door and receives their cards.

Duties of the Hostess on an Afternoon

at Home

TH E first duty of the hostess is to rise and step
forward and shake hands with every one who
enters her reception-room. When two guests arrive
simultaneously, or one almost directly after the other,
she devotes her conversation to them equally until
some one else enters to claim her attention. She
should remain throughout the afternoon in sight of the
door; not standing, as at a reception; but always ready
to go quickly forward and extend her greeting. How
do you doy Mr. Blanks or Mrs. Brown^ I am de-
lighted to see yoUy spoken in a cordial tone and ac-
companied by a firm pressure of the hand, is an ap-
propriate expression of welcome.

General mtroductions are made by the hostess on
her day at home, unless her rooms are very full and

Two] Calls

many callers have strayed from her immediate vicinity.
Ordinarily, not more than half a dozen guests are at
once in the drawing-room, and as these are apt to re-
main seated near the hostess, she easily introduces any
new-comer who requires introduction. Should a
caller fail to fall easily into the general current of con-
versation, it is her duty, either by talking to this visi-
tor directly, or by some indirect word of encourage-
ment, suggestion, or diversion, to relieve the situa-
tion.

Bidding Guests Adieu

AS a rule, the lady who receives does not accom-
pany any guest so far even as to her drawing-
room door, at least not so long as other callers remam
and when she is receiving alone. The rule may be
disregarded when a visitor very distinguished, or one
who is infirm, rises to go ; but under ordinary circum-
stances, the hostess, mindful of the guests who remain,
simply rises when one is about to depart, and
cordially giving her hand, says. Good afternoon^
MisrS Blank ; it has been a great pleasure to see you^
or Good byey Mrs. Blank; I shall hope to see you
soon agaWy or similar words of farewell. She continues
to stand a moment until the caller, especially if a
woman, turns to pass out of the room. When, how-
ever, no other callers are present, and the one depart-
ing is a woman and a good friend, the hostess is privi-
leged to accompany her even to the street door, if she
wishes to do so. But at no time during an afternoon
at home, when there are several persons in the draw-
ing-room, has the hostess the right to devote any ex-
clusive attention to any one friend, and especially to

36 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

draw a visitor aside and conversing in an undertone or
whisper, discuss personal or private affairs.

Serving Tea

THOUGH not actually obligatory, it is the cus-
tom to serve slight refreshment on the day at
home, and tea is the accepted refection, in place of
cake and wine. The tea is either poured at a small
table in the drawing-room presided over by the host-
ess herself, her daughter, or a friend, or else it is
brought in from the dining-room and handed about by
a maid. Freshly made cups of tea, or in winter,
small cups of hot chocolate — with light fancy cake,
sandwiches, and bonbons are all it is necessary to pro-
vide ; and while it is polite to offer a caller a second
cup of tea it is the worst possible taste to press food
and drink on one who has once refused.

A hostess does not offer to relieve a man caller of
hat or stick when he prefers to carry them into the
drawing-room. To a woman she is privileged to sug-
gest, if^the rooms are warm, that her coat be opened
or a heavy fur thrown off.

Treatment of Chance Visitors

WHEN no day for receiving is appointed and
carefully observed, a caller, once admitted,
must not be kept waiting while the mistress of the
house, or her daughter, slowly makes an elaborate
toilet, or stops to finish a letter, a conversation, or a
piece of sewing.

If it is inconvenient or impossible to receive a
caller, the servant may be instructed to say the mistress
begs to be excused. It is not polite to send word by a

Two] Calls

servant, asking to be excused from receiving a friend,
unless some good reason is assigned. Mrs. Blank
has just received the news of her brother* s severe ill-
ness and begs you will kindly excuse ber^ Mrs.
Blank is suffering from a severe coldy and begs to be
excused^ and Mrs. Blank is leaving in five minutes
for Washington and begs to be excused^ are all proper
forms, and in each instance the reason given is
ample for asking to be excused. Again, if it is incon-
venient or impossible to receive a chance caller, the
servant may be directed to answer at the door any
requests to see her mistress with the statement that she
is not at home. This course is followed when the per-
son called upon does not wish to state her reasons for
refusing to receive callers, and it by no means need be
regarded as an evasion of the truth. The phrase not
at home implies that the lady called upon is not at
home to callers, whether her actual absence from the
house, or some more important occupation than that of
receiving, prevents her appearance.

The Host on the Day at Home

THOUGH the average man professes to be too
shy or too busy to appear in his wife's drawing-
room on her day at home, there is no reason why he
should not do so. If a son, brother, or husband
chooses, he may give graceful, and gratefully received,
assistance on the day at home, whether he comes in
only late from his office or elects to spend the entire
afternoon there. His duty in such case is in a measure
to share the honors and obligations of the occasion.
He can expect his wife, sister or mother, as the case
may be, to introduce to him any of the visitors whom

38 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

he does not know; he should assist in enter-
taining the guests, pass the cups, make introductions
himself, and when a guest rises to leave, he should rise
too and offer his hand in farewell. As a rule, the host
accompanies the departing guest as far as the door,
and the last guests, especially if they are women, as far
as the street door, opening it for them himself.

How to Pay a Call

A WOMAN does not take off her veil, gloves or
lighter wrap when calling. In the event of bad
weather, the umbrella, overshoes and storm coat are to
be left in the hall. A man never wears his overcoat into
a lady's drawing-room ; along with overshoes and um-
brella, it is left in the hall ; and at present it is the rare
man who carries his cane or hat into the drawing-room
with him. A very punctilious man accounts it the better
form to carry in his hat and cane when making a first
formal call, because to leave them behind implies a
familiarity with the house and hostess that he dares not
claim ; but most men, caring more for convenience and
comfort than for fine shades of meaning conveyed in
the bearing, enter the drawing-room without hat or
cane and invariably with the right hand stripped of the
glove. Should a caller insist, however, on clinging to
these belongings — either for mere formality's sake or
even siniply to insure their safety — he must carry them
in his left hand and hold them throughout his call, or
he may place his hat on the floor beside him, but he
must be strictly mindful that it gets into nobody's
way.

A shy caller or one who sees only strangers in a
drawing-room will procede most wisely and gracefully

Two] CaUg 39

to accept a seat indicated by the hostess or a seat in her
vicinity, and depend upon her leadership to secure a
place in the conversation. When the hostess is claimed
by new arrivals before she has had time to make intro-
ductions, the caller who is left alone may accept any
friendly advances made by persons sitting near. And
such advances do not bind either party to future
recognition.

On the ceremonious aay at home women callers do
not kiss in greeting. Nor do they remove their gloves
when taking tea. If any of the refreshments offered
cannot be handled without unpleasant consequences to
the gloves, such refreshments may be unobtrusively
avoided.

A man calling in company with ladies, even if they
are his near relatives, waits for them to give the signal
of departure. When the woman rises, signifying her
readiness to leave, he must also rise at once, with an
apology to any one with whom he is in conversation at
the moment. He makes his farewells to the hostess
after his companion has made hers and follows her
from the room.

Giving One's Name

WHEN the servant at the drawing-room door asks
JVbat name, sir ? (or madame) the proper reply
is not Smith or Mary Brown; but Mr. Smith and
Miss Brown, or Mr. John Smith and Miss Mary

Brown.

On entering the drawng-room, a caller wnether
man or woman advances at once to meet the hostess,
accept her proffered hand, and acknowledge any intro-
ductions sne may make. The acknowledgment of

40 EncycIop{edia of Etiquette [Chapter

introductions is by a bow and a slight smile if the
visitor is a woman and if there are but two or three
persons introduced and if any of them are relatives of
the hostess the visitor should offer her hand.

A visiting card is never carried in and handed to
the hostess. If, by chance, the caller is a stranger to
her, but a friend of her son or daughter, or of a guest
stopping in her house ; or is a young lady paying calls
for her invalid mother; there should be some brief and
simple form of self-introduction, as : I am a substi-
tute at present y Mrs. Blanky for my mother y Mrs. Gor-
don y who is prevented by her accident from paying any calls
this season ; or. May I present myself Mrs. Blank — Ed-
ward Campell. Miss Blacky who is stopping with yoUy
has been good enough to give me permission to calL

Taking Leave of the Hostess

ON rising to depart, a caller must take pains to
formally bid adieu to the lady who is receiving.
It i^ not in good taste to make prolonged farewells and
keep a hostess standing and distracted when there are
others who have a claim on her time and attention. If
she herself chooses to stand a moment making an in-
quiry or offering an invitation, that is her pnvilege ;
but even the response should be brief, though, of
course, cordial, and the departure taken as soon as possi-
ble. No well-bred man or woman attempts to back
out of a drawing-room. With a bow and a civil
good-afternoon to the guests near the hostess, he turns
and walks straight away.

It is the duty of a man, when calling, to relieve
women of their empty tea-cups and to carry refresh-
ments to those at a distance from the tea-table. He

Two] Calls

must rise from his chair when a woman caller enters,
when his hostess leaves her seat, when a woman caller
rises to make her adieu, and of course, when anyone is
introduced to him. When he rises, he stands beside
or behind — not before — his chair, and he continues to
stand as long as the lady on whose account he has
risen is herself standing.

Making Chance Calls

WHEN a woman makes an afternoon call on one
who keeps no day at home, or on another
day than the one appointed for receiving calls, she
makes at the door some such inquiry as : Are the
ladies at home? or, Is Mrs. Blank at home? Re-
ceiving a reply in the negative, she leaves the re-
quisite number of cards, and with or without some such
regretful message as. Pray tell Mrs. Blank I am very
sorry not to find her in^ takes her departure. There
is no warrant for such a familiarity as questioning the
servant as to her mistress's whereabouts and the like,
unless business or a most important errand is the
occasion of the call.

Calling in the Evening

WHEN a man calls of a Sunday afternoon or of
an evening, he asks to see " the ladies," if his
call is in return for a hospitality extended to him in the
name of the mistress of the house, as it usually is on
his first calls. He also asks particularly to see the
ladies when the mother of the young lady of the
house has herself asked him to call. Otherwise, he
may very properly ask to see the young ladies, or the
particular lady for whom his visit is especially intended.

42 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

If the servant is doubtful of the lady's where-
abouts, or of her readiness to receive, the caller
should step into the drawing-room and wait for an
answer, retaining his overcoat and gloves ; if the ser-
vant's reply is favorable, he must then divest himself
of these garments, putting them in the hall, and await
the lady's arrival. When she enters, he goes forward
a space to meet her, and stands until she has seated
herself. He will not venture to place himself upon a
sofa beside her without her permission, unless he
knows her well.

Length of a Call

A FIRST and formal afternoon call should occupy
not less than fifteen minutes, not more than
half an hour. Friends of a hostess, calling on her day
at home, may linger so long as an hour in her drawing-
room, but in the case of a chance call it is hardly polite
to remain so long unless urged by the hostess to tarry.
After twenty minutes, a half-hour, or an hour,
the caller should rise from his seat, with perhaps
the final phrase of the talk they have been en-
gaged in still on his lips, and push his chair quietly
away. At the end of his sentence, as the lady rises,
he should say good-night, simply, or good-afternoon,
extend his hand to meet her own in a brief, cordial
clasp, and then turn and walk out of the room. The
simpler the course pursued by a diffident man, when
taking his leave, the better, for if he can command
nothing to say but good-night, let him say it in full
confidence that the woman, naturally the more self-
confident and tactful, will put in a graceful sentence or
two, and so relieve the situation of any embarrassment.

Two] Calls

What a woman resents and deplores is the man who
sits in her drawing-room, however unpretentious it
may be, in his overcoat, twiddling his hat ; who fails to
rise when her mother enters for a moment; who
lounges in his chair and nurses his foot on his knee,
and who exhausts her patience by nervously fidgeting
and putting off the, to him, hard ordeal of taking leave
until the lateness of the hour and the laose of conver-
sation fairly force him away.

Receiving Business Calls

A MAN in receiving a woman caller who is a
stranger to him in his office need not offer to
shake hands. Should his time be limited, and his
private office be occupied, he may go out to meet the
caller in the corridor or public office, and there stand-
ing hear her business. Ir she is invited into his private
office, he must not receive her with his hat on or with
his coat off, and he must offer her a chair, placing it so
that she will not face the light. If he wishes her to
be brief, he may courteously explain that pressing af-
fairs claim his attention and stand during her explana-
tions. Too many men lay aside all semblance of
gentility in their behavior in their offices, and are curt
and boorish there in their treatment of women, when,
in drawing-rooms, they would accord them the utmost
courtesy. For this they give as their excuse the lack
of consideration that women often betray in wasting
valuable time on frivolous errands ; but when a man
finds himself especially busy or impatient, he can
always ask to be excused, and appoint another hour
when time and temper will admit of an interview. In
his office, a gentleman rises also when a woman caller

44 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette

rises to leave ; and if the interview has taken place in
his private office, courtesy commands that he open the
door for her. He need not go beyond the door with
her unless she is a friend or relation, when, unless he
offers an apology, he should conduct her to the outer
door or to the elevator.

Chapter THREE

Visiting Cards for Women

THEIR size varies but slightly from season
to season. As a rule, the visiting cards
used bv married women are somewhat
larger than those adopted by unmarried
women. The material and quality of the
card should be the very best. Pure white bristol board
ofmedium weight, with the surface polished, not glazed,
and with the name engraved thereon in black ink
are the distinguishing features of the cards used in
good society. Now and then very thin small slips of
bristol board are seen, but these signify a passing
fashion and cannot be commended for feminine use,
though gentlemen frequently adopt the use of thin
cards, in order to avoid any extra bulkiness in the
waistcoat pocket.

Block, script, and old English lettering are all fash-
ionable types for the engravmg of the present carte de
visite; and in size of card and style and wording of
inscription the models on the next page are reliable.

Proper Titles

BEVELED or gilded edges, crests, or any decora-
tion and engraving beyond the name, address,
and day at home, do not evince taste or a knowledge
of the nicest social customs. A lady's card in America

46 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

never bears any other title than Mrs. or Miss; to
dispense with these simple titles is to commit a sole-

Mrs. Davis Floyd Wendell

125 Wkst Elm Stuxt

Miss Mary Wendell

125 West Elm Stkxkt

cism. A woman is not privileged to share on her card
the dignities conferred upon her husband ; the wife of

Three] Cartis;

the admiral is merely Mrs. George Dewey ; the presi-
dent's wife is Mrs. William McKinley, and even the
woman, whether married or single, who has herself re-
ceived the title of doctor should not affix it to her name
on any but her business cards. A woman who practices
medicine should use two kinds of cards. One should
bear her name, thus. Dr. Eleanor Baxter Brown^ or
Eleanor Baxter Brown y M. Z)., with her address in
one corner and her office hours in another. This
would be for professional uses only. Another — for
social uses — should bear her name thus: Miss Eleanor
Baxter Brown^ or Mrs. Thomas Russell Brown, with
only her house address in the corner.

Cards of the most approved type give the full
Christian name or names, if there is more than one, as
well as the surname. It is rather more modish, for
example, to have the inscription read, Mrs. Philip
Hoffman Brown, than Mrs. Philip H. Brown; Miss
Mary Ellsworth Brown, than Miss Mary E. Brown; and
unmarried women, as a rule, forbear the use of diminu-
tives such as Mamie, Maggie, Polly and Sadie on their
calling cards.

The senior matron of the oldest branch of a family
may, if she pleases, drop her husband's Christian name
from her cards, and let the card read simply, for
example, Mrs. Venables; and her eldest unmarried
daughter is entitled to omit her own Christian name,
and use a card reading, for example, Miss Venables.
Where, however, there are several families of the same
name in a city or community, all mingling more or
less in one circle of society, this is apt to create con-
fusion in the minds of their friends and the safest
course is not to omit the identifying Christian names.

48 Kncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

Widow's Card

A WIDOW is privileged either to retain her hus-
band's Christian name on her card, or to substi-
tute for it her own; as, for example, the widow of Donald
Craig Leith may have her cards read either Mrs.
Donald Craig Leith or Mrs. Eleanor Phillippa
Leith. But it is rather the fashion at present for a
widow or a woman who has been divorced to use her
maiden surname with the surname of the deceased or
divorced husband; as, for example, Mrs. Harrison
Leithy Mrs. Leith's maiden name having been Harri-
son

Use of Jr. and Sr.

^UNIORy or the contraction Jr.y is sometimes
T added to the name on the card of a lady whose
husband bears the same name as his father, in or-
der to give a distinguishing mark between the cards of
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If the mother-in-
law, in such an instance, should lose her husband, and
at the same time wish to retain his baptismal names upon
her card, she must then add the explanatory abbreviation
Sr.y while her daughter-in-law erases the Jr. from hers.
Should both ladies lose their husbands, and both wish
to retain on their cards the husband's Christian names,
the younger must add Jr. on her cards.

Divorced Woman's Card

A WOMAN who is divorced erases at once from
her card the Christian name of the man who was
her husband. If she retains the use of his surname, she
joins with it either her own Christian or her own sur-

Three]

Cartid

name, as she prefers. When after a legal anullment of
her marriage a woman resumes her full maiden name,
she prefixes to it on her cards the title Mrs. not

Miss.

Young Lady's Card

DURING her first season in society, a young lady
does not, if her mother has introduced her and is
her chaperon and companion, use a card of her own.
Her name is coupled on a large card with and below
that of her mother, thus :

Mrs. Epworth Grey

Miss Mary Eloise Grey

Fridays

South Oak Street

It is presumed that during her first season, the
greater number of the calls a young lady pays will be in
company with her mother, and so the joint card is the
fittest. If she pays calls alone, she employs the same

50 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

card, but runs a pencil line through her mother's name.
If, in the next season, a younger sister is introduced,
or if two sisters enter society in the same season, below
the mother's name the daughters would be designated
thus : T*he Misses Grey. After her first season, a
young lady uses, when calling alone, her own card;
but she does not indicate on it any day at home, if her
mother is an active hostess who issues her own cards
every season and receives with her daughters. Even
after the daughters have had considerable experience in
society, the joint card is not entirely dispensed with,
but is resorted to as occasion makes it appropriate so
long as the daughters remain unmarried and continue
to reside with the mother. It still proves convenient
whenever mother and daughters call or send cards
together, or when they wish to announce their joint
day at home, or a change of their common address,
and in many similar contingencies.

The Day at Home Signified •

THE name of a day of the week is engraved in
the left-hand lowercornerof the visiting card —
Fridays^ Tuesdays^ Thursdays as the choice may be
— without explanation or remark, if one wishes to
signify to her friends and acquaintances that on a
• special afternoon of every week, after three and until
six o'clock, she will be prepared to receive their calls.
But if one wishes to set a particular limit to the term
of receiving, the card should in some way specify that,
as Thursdays until Lent^ Saturdays until Aprils First
Mondays (meaning, first in the month), or First and
Fourth Wednesdays (meaning, first and fourth in the
month).

Three] Cattlfi

Card for Married Couple

A HUSBAND and wife rarely share one card for
the purpose of announcing days at home, an-
swering calls, and the like. It is as well, though, for a
matron to keep on hand, in addition to her own indi-
vidual card, one — a rather larger card than her own —
joining her own and her husband's name, thus:

Mr. and Mrs. Epworth Grey

10 Oak Stkiet

This she is privileged to use when calling after her
return from the honeymoon, when sending a gift in
which her husband has a share, and in sending joint
regrets in answer to a reception invitation, etc. Very
frequently such a card is inclosed with a wedding invi-
tation or with an announcement of a marriage, to
signify where the bride and groom will make their
home.

52 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Visiting Cards for Men

A GENTLEMAN'S card is both thinner and
smaller than a lady's, but it should be equally
chaste and fine in its quality and engraving. The ap-
proved size and style of inscription are as follows :

Mr. Henry Wykoff Elliott

a West Cedar Stiizt

The title Mr. is never dispensed with unless the
name is followed by Jr. Such contractions of the
Christian name as Ned^ Boby Jack and Tom dis-
play a lack of judgment as well as of dignity. If
the full name is too long to be engraved on the
card, merely the initial of the middle name may
be used ; but the first name should always be used in
full. Mr. Henry W. Elliott is a far more grace-
ful and conventional arrangement than Mr. H.
Wykoff Elliott^ and is consequently preferred.
A man never shares his card with any one as
in the case of a mother with a daughter, or of a
chaperon with her protegee. The eldest male member
of the oldest branch of a family may omit the Christian
name from his card and use simply the family name
with Mr.; as, Mr. Maynard.

Three] Cartid 53

Not infrequently a bachelor has his home address
engraved in the lower right-hand corner of his card,
with the name of his favorite club in the corner op-
posite. But should he reside entirely at his club, the
name of the club is placed in the lower right-hand cor-
ner. A business address must never appear on a
visiting card.

A man never has a day at home engraved upon his
card, though there are many luxurious bachelors
and shrewd hospitable artists, who, in their charmingly
appointed chambers or studios, hold many brilliant at
home days during the season. This fact, however,
does not permit them to usurp the prerogatives of a
woman and a hostess, and the methods by which a
single man gives a day at home and invites his friends
of both sexes is exhaustively explained in Chapter six-
teen on Bachelor Hospitalities.

Titles on Men's Cards

IT is hardly possible to be too conservative in the
use of titles on visiting cards. The President and
the Vice-President of the United States, Ambassadors,
Justices of the higher courts, officers in the army and
navy, physicians, and clergymen all signify their office,
rank or professions by the approved titles. Presidents
of colleges, professors, lawyers, officers of militia,
judges of lower courts, officers of the Naval Reserve,
senators, representatives, and ministers and consuls at
foreign courts and ports should remain satisfied with
the simple Mr. on all cards used for social purposes.
A Justice of the Supreme Court is privileged to have
his cards engraved with Mr. Justice preceding either
the surname or the full name, as Mr. Justice

54 Kncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

Rockwell or Mr. Justice John Bearing Rockwell.
It is an unwritten law of etiquette in the army that
no ofRcer of lower rank than captain shall preface
his name with other title than that of Mr. The
proper inscription for a lieutenant's card would be,
Mr. Henry Pollock Eliy with the words Lieutenant of
Infantry y United States Army^ in the right-hand cor-
ner. But it is in just as good taste if only the words
United States Army appear in the corner of the card.

An officer of any rank above a lieutenant places
his military title on his card — Captain^ Major^ Colonel^
or whatever it may be, and signifies in the corner of
the card whether his command is in the artillery, the
infantry, the cavalry, or the engineering corps.

Professional Cards

THE professional card of a physician should be
entirely distinct from his social visiting card. On
it should appear his name preceded by the abbreviated
ritle Dr. and with his house address in the lower
right-hand corner and his office number and office
hours in the lower left-hand corner. For purely
social purposes only his house address appears — in-
scribed in the lower right-hand corner; nis name
appears just as in his professional card, preceded by
the abbreviated title Dr. as Dr. Henry R. Bliss; or in
somewhat newer and more approved fashion, with the
Dr. omitted and M. D. added, as Henry R. Bliss ^ M.
D.

A clergyman's card is appropriately engraved in
this wise : Reverend Samuel D. Baxter. The Rev-
erendy however, is not infrequently abbreviated to
Rev. A physician, clergyman or scholar may

Three] Cattlfi

have earned the right to a splendid tale of letters
after his name, the recognized abbreviations of various
titles, honors, or degrees conferred upon him ; but
from the social visitmg card it is best to omit all of
this, except so much as stands for the one title by which
he is commonly addressed. For example, a clergyman
who is known as Doctor Mynell has his cards engraved
without Rev, or Mr. in this fashion: Raymond Lynde
Mynell, D. D.

When for any social purpose a man has occasion
to write his name on a card with his own hand he
does not omit Mr. but writes his name just as it
would appear if engraved.

Mourning Cards

IN America we have no hard and fast rules regulat-
ing the depth of mourning border on a visiting
card. An extremely broad band — one, say, half an
inch wide — is frowned upon as too ostentatious an
emblem of woe, even when adopted by a widow or by
a bereaved parent. Ordinarily, in the first year of
widowhood, a border a trifle more than one-third of
an inch wide is all-sufllicient indication of even the
profoundest depths of grief. In the second year a
border a third of an inch wide is adopted and contin-
ued for six or eight months or a mil year. Then
and thereafter every sixth months the border is dimin-
ished by a sixteenth of an inch until mourning is put
oflf entirely. On the card of a widower, since a man's
card is always smaller than a woman's, the bl^ck border
is always narrower ; it is diminished from time to time
by about the same graduations as on the card of a
widow. When a lady, past the meridian of life, loses

56 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

her husband, she frequently chooses to wear mourning
for the rest of her days ; and after the first year of her
bereavement, for the wide border of black is substi-
tuted a permanent border an eighth of an inch in width.
A gradual narrowing in the black border is hardly in
good taste when the death betokened is that of a par-
ent, a child, a sister or a brother. The card for any
of these relatives should, from the beginning to the
end of the period of mourning, bear a black edging
from an eighth to a sixteenth of an inch in width. A
border a sixteenth of an inch wide is sufficient for
the whole period in mourning in case of the death of
a grandparent, or of an uncle or an aunt.

Cards when Calling

AS has been mentioned in the chapter on Calling,
a card is never carried by a caller into the
drawing-room and presented to the hostess. Not
many years ago the custom of folding over the ends
of cards prevailed. This was done when the person
called upon proved not to be at home, and the form
of the fold was laden with polite significance. The
left side of the card was folded to indicate that every
one in the family was included in the call ; and the
right side was bent to assure the household that the
card was not left by a messenger, but was presented by
the caller in person. The card thus treated came to
present a very mangled and untidy appearance, and
this fact soon led to the abandonment of what was
never a very sound custom.

There was a period when callers were obliged
in some instances to leave behind them veritable
packages of cards. No matter how many of the

Three] Cartjs;

members of a household were in society, a card must
be left for every individual, and this lavish distribution
was required on the occasion of every call. To-day
card etiquette is so simplified and systematized that
any man or woman can follow it without danger of
serious errors.

The majority of calls between women are exchanged
on their appointed days at home, and then the cards
are usually left by the caller on the tray in the hall as
she passes through on her way to the drawing-room.
If the call is the first she has paid that season in that
house, she puts into the tray one card of her own and
two of her husband's. Thereafter, during the season,
she need not again leave her own card, if her subse-
quent calls are made on the friend's day at home. She
still leaves two of her husband's cards, however, if her
call is made in return for any entertainment to which
he has been asked and if her hostess is a married
woman. If her hostess's unmarried daughters receive
with their mother the caller need not leave any cards
for them, even though they are in society. She would,
however, leave one of her own cards on retiring from
the house, if she found a married daughter or a friend
eceiving with the hostess.

A feminine caller never designs any of her own
cards for the masculine members of a household on
which she calls. A great many women now follow the
rule, when calling at a friend's day at home, of leaving
their own cards along with those of their husbands,
even though it is not the first call of the season, if it is
a call paid especially in return for some recent hospi-
tality enjoyed under the roof of the lady receiving. If
the visit is merely a friendly one without any important

58 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

significance then no cards of any sort are absolutely
requisite.

A married woman should always make it a rule to
carry an abundance of her husband's cards in the case
with her own, and should be most scrupulous in leav-
ing them at houses where he has been entertained.
For a bachelor, son or brother she need not perform
this oflSce, but may leave him to pay his calls and
leave his cards in person.

If two maiden ladies are equally mistress and
hostess in the same house the matron who calls upon
them for the first time in a season, or after being
entertained under their roof, leaves two of her own and
two of her husband's cards. Again, if an unmarried
woman is the hostess in her widowed father's or her
brother's home, cards are left upon her as carefully as
if she were a matron. A young lady during her first
year in society leaves her name on the same card with
her mother's, and the leaving of one of these joint
cards suffices for both mother and daughter, or daugh-
ters, if the names of more than one daughter appear.
When a young lady who uses her separate card pays a
call on a friend's day at home, she puts two cards into
the hall tray on entering, if the hostess is receiving
with a friend, or a daughter, or other feminine relatives.
This is done when the call is the first of the season or
is in return for some hospitality enjoyed. Except on
these occasions, if the young lady calls frequently at
the house, and times her visits on their days at home,
she need not leave her card.

A young lady paying a chance call on a mother
and daughters, or a hostess and friend, and being told
the ladies are out, leaves two cards. Of course no young

Three] Cattjfif

lady, any more than a matron, leaves her card for any
of the men of a household. A call paid to a lady visit-
ing in a house, whether the lady of the house is friend
or stranger to the caller, requires two cards, one for the
guest and one for her hostess, and this is still the rule
whether the caller is a man or a woman. .

Both men and women, in paying calls in a strange
city or neighborhood, write on their cards their tem-
porary address — in the corner opposite that in which
the permanent address is engraved. On calling at a
hotel, it is a sensible precaution to write on the card
sent up, or left, the name of the person for whom it is
intended.

Cards when Paying Chance Call

A SO ME WHAT different disposition of cards
is required when a call is made without any
previous assurance of finding the person called upon
at home. The caller usually takes the requisite
number of cards from her case before ringing the door-
bell. If she is a married woman calling upon a married
woman who has invited her recently to a dance or
dinner, she takes two of her husband's cards from her
case with two of her own. Her two cards are enough
if she asks to see the ladies ; implying thereby her
hostess and one or more daughters. If the hostess
is entertaining a sister, a friend, her mother or a married
daughter at the time, the lady calling then takes out
three of her own cards, and with these in her hand she
awaits the servant. Should the reply to her question
be not at home she hands the cards to the maid,
and goes on. If the answer is that the ladies are in
the drawing-room, she puts her cards on the tray in

6o Kncyclop(Bdia of Rtiquette [Chapter

the hall as she passes in to greet her friends. Occa-
sionally a servant seems doubtful whether the ladies
are at home or not ; then, if the caller wishes to make
sure, she gives the servant her personal cards only, and
waits in the drawing-room to hear the result of his
inquiries. Should the ladies prove to be not at home,
then to these cards she adds those of her husband and
leaves them all with the servant. On the other hand,
if the ladies appear, she pays her call, and on passing
out puts two of her husband's cards on the hall tray.

When a Stranger Leaves Cards

NOT infrequently, when a man or a woman is
entertaining a relative or friend for a fortnight
or longer, the two go on a round of calls together,
and in that case a special question as to the proper card-
leaving is mooted. If the guest accompanies the host
or hostess as a matter of convenience and is a stranger
to the persons on whom the calls are paid, his or her
card is not left when the persons called upon are not
found at home. But if the stranger purposes to spend
at least a fortnight in the neighborhood, and the per-
sons called upon present themselves, one of his or her
cards should be left in the hall on retiring. Otherwise
no card-leaving is necessary, and the person on whom
the call was made will understand that this chance
caller, if a woman, need not be called upon in return,
or if a man, is not expecting to be included in ap-
proaching social gaieties in the neighborhood.

For a man or woman who accompanies a friend or
relative to a lady's house by special arrangement for
the express purpose of being introduced and paying a
first call, the card etiquette is quite clear. If the call

Three] Cattjfi 6 1

is made on an afternoon at home, then the caller,
whether man or woman, leaves cards on the hall table
as for any first call. In case a chance call is made
and the lady or ladies are out, the stranger, whether a
man or woman, leaves his or her cards along with those
of the sponsor and friend.

Cards When Paying Business Calls

A WO MAN does not send in her card when mak-
ing a business call on a man. It is sufficient to
give the servant her name and state her business or to
write both on a slip of paper. When paying a busi-
ness call on a woman who is a stranger to ner, the
caller sends up one card, inscribing thereon a hint as to
the nature of her errand, or briefly explaining to the
servant the purpose of the call. Frequently a formal
morning call is paid by one woman on another who is
quite her social equal, but with whom she does not ex-
change cards and visits, except as their association in a
club or on some charity committee may necessitate
brief business calls. In such calls, only one, and her
own, card is sent up by the caller ; and this and a brief
explanation of the object of the call are left with the
servant when the mistress of the house is not at home.

When a Man Leaves Cards

MANY a young man who regards himself as
a model of social propriety calls at a house
where he has lately been entertained, at a dance or
dinner, and asks to see only some one young lady in
whom he has a special interest, sending up but one
card by the servant, and leaving but one card if the one
for whom he has asked is not at home. Every truly

62 Encyclopoedia of Etiquette [Chapter

well-mannered man, in calling under such circum-
stances, will, however, ask to see not any one, but the
ladies, if there are more than one in the house ; and he
will send up one card for the young lady, or ladies, and
one for the mother or chaperon whoever she may be.
If the ladies are out, he leaves these cards and one for
his host. If the ladies are in and one or more descend
to see him, he still leaves a card for his host on the hall
table on going out.

A call made by a gentleman on a lady, on her day
at home, requires no sending in or leaving of cards in
the hall, unless he is calling after some entertainment
which he has attended under that roof or to which he
has been invited, or unless it is his first call on her in
the season. After an entertainment, he puts one
card in the tray, and that is for his host ; also on the
occasion of a first call he leaves one. This last is
merely to indicate that his address is the same as in the
foregoing season. Thereafter when calling on the day
at home he makes no use of his cards.

When to Leave and When to Post

Cards

A FREQUENT and convenient practice is that of
leaving cards at a door in place of paying a per-
sonal call, or sending them by post or messenger. The
circumstances in which cards are properly left on a
member of society are, when an elderly lady or semi-
invalid, or woman in deep mourning desires to offer
this courteous recognition of calls made upon her or
invitations she has received. A very busy hostess
owing a dinner call or first call to a friend to whom

Three] Cartlfii 63

she is eager, however, to extend an invitation, is
privileged, for lack of time and opportunity, to sub-
stitute her call with a card left on the friend, or her
card may be posted along with the engraved or written
invitation. A man or woman unable to accept an in-
vitation extended by a hostess to whom he or she is a
stranger must, within a fortnight after the entertain-
ment, leave cards in due form. Persons invited
merely to the marriage ceremony on the occasion of a
church wedding, and those who receive cards in an-
nouncement of a marriage, carefully leave their cards
— men as well as women — on the bride's mother with-
in a week or two after the wedding. When one who
is the friend of a groom, but a stranger to the parents
of the bride, is invited to a wedding which he or she
is unable to attend, he or she does not call, but merely
leaves cards on the bride's mother a fortnight after the
wedding. When the members of a club or of any
other organization are entertained by a lady at her
home, all who were invited leave their cards upon the
hostess shortly after the celebration under her roof, no
matter if it was but an afternoon reception and the
hostess is in no sense a calling acquaintance.

Cards are left to enquire the condition of one who
is ill, or to show sympathy and good feeling in the
event of some great misfortune befallen a friend, or to
announce a change of address, or to announce a pro-
longed absence, or to signify a re-entrance into society.

The act of leaving cards is simple enough. Their
bearer, on ringing the door-bell, hands to the servant
who answers the call, the two, three or more requisite
engraved slips, saying. For Mr. and Mrs. Blanks ox ^ for
Mrs. and the Misses Blank,

()4 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Cards Before and After a Funeral

AS soon as a death is announced it is required that
the friends and acquaintances of the deceased, or
of the bereaved family, leave their cards in person at
the house of mourning. Sometimes a brief expression
of sympathy is written in pencil on such cards ; it is
better taste, however, to write nothing on them. A
husband and wife, leaving their cards together, hand
the servant at the door four cards — ^two of the hus-
band's and two of the wife's. Very often a married
couple leave, instead, two of their joint cards — one is
intended for the parents and one for the adult sisters and
brothers of the deceased. The same number of cards
is required when a gentleman loses his wife or a lady her
husband, if there are grown children surviving.
Should a married woman lose one of her parents, her
friends leave their cards upon her at her own door
and also upon her surviving parent. Cards are
left upon the eldest of a family of sons and daughters
made orphans. Black-bordered cards are not used for
this ceremony, unless the callers themselves are in
mourning.

It is customary to leave cards not only immediately
after a death is announced, but again a few days after
the funeral. And this latter ceremony is observed
especially by those who wish to show their sympathy,
yet are not on a sufficiently intimate footing to venture
a call or a note of condolence ; for the intimate friends
as well as acquaintances leave their cards just after the
death is announced. The manner of leaving cards
after the funeral is less strictly ceremonious than the
manner of leaving them at the announcement of the

Three] Cattlg 65

death. A matron may leave cards for her entire
family, or a sister may nilfil this duty for her brother.
It is not kind nor complimentary to post a card to
inquire the condition of a friend who is ill. Such a
card must be left in person, after asking news of the
invalid's condition at the door. The words to in-
quire penciled below the caller's engraved name, are
added to distinguish these cards as the special property
of the sick man or woman, also to prove the caller's
interest and courteous intentions. When affectionate
anxiety prompts a daily call of inquiry it is necessary
to leave a card only at long intervals.

Returning Cards of Inquiry

AN invalid, who is fairly on the road to recovery^
and who has received many cards of inquiry,
shows appreciation of the interest and sympathy they
indicate by sending out, through the post, numbers of
his or her own cards on which is penciled the phrase
Many . thanks for your kind inquiries. When callers
have been generously attentive and thoughtful in not
only making frequent inquiries, but in sending fruit,
flowers, books, etc., cordial notes of thanks are the
proper mediums for the expression of appreciation.

The proper manner in which to acknowledge the
cards left before or after a funeral is for the head or
heads of the bereaved family to issue large black-edged
cards of thanks, two, three or four weeks after the
funeral. These are not to be employed in place of
written replies to letters of condolence, unless the de-
ceased was a person of public importance and the
nearest surviving relatives received countless notes and
telegrams of condolence from strangers. Persons there

66 Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

are who prefer, in place of cards of acknowledgment,
to leave their personal cards, suitably edged with black,
on all those who called before and after the funeral.
This can only be done from three to six months after
the obsequies and seems very like a belated recogni-
tion of an attention. It is perfectly fitting for a widow,
let us say, a few weeks after the death of her husband,
to post one of her mourning cards to every man and
woman who left their cards upon her. On her own
black-edged squares of bristol-board she should then
write tVith thanks for your kind sympathy.

But to recur to the question of the large especially
printed cards as the mediums for returning thanks : If
they are used in the circumstances referred to, a plain
large white card edged with black must be chosen and
the inscription thereon printed, not engraved, by the
stationer. These cards must be posted in black-bor-
dered envelopes, and for a widow returning thanks the
proper printed form would be :

Mrs. John Everett and Family

return thanks for your kind sympathy
50 Greenfield Street

Mrs. John Everett

returns thanks to
and family

for their kind sympathy and condolence

50 Greenwich Street*

Three] Cartufi 67

A widow and her children might suitably use this
form:

The family of the late

James R. Brown

return their sincere thanks for your kind sympathy

20 Maxwell Place*

In the case of parents acknowledging inquiries for
a young child who has been ill, cards may be sent on
which their names are engraved together as in other
joint cards of husband and wife.

P. p. c. Cards

IT is almost a universal practice for persons who are
leaving the neighborhood or city of their residence
for the season or for a voyage, to leave cards on all
those with whom they have visiting relations, in order
to acquaint them with the news of their departure. In
this case the ordinary visiting card is used, but with
the letters P. p. c. written in one of the lower corners,
to indicate the fact of the intended departure. The
use of these letters springs from the polite French
custom of a special call made pour prendre congi (to
take leave) of one's friends.

P. p. c. cards are very necessary when a member of
society is in debt for hospitalities received and finds it
is impossible to pay in person, before going away, the
many calls he or she owes. It is permitted to drive
from house to house, leaving cards so inscribed with
the servant who answers the bell ; and if there is not

68 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

time to do this, it is even permissible to slip the cards
in proper envelopes and post them the day before
going away. In leaving for a voyage, many persons
follow the sensible custom of writing on the cards the
address of their hotel or banker in the foreign country
to which they are going.

P. p. c. cards are not as a rule distributed at the
end of a season, for then, it is to be assumed, all duty
calls will have been paid and all calls of civility returned.
Even then, though some women do send them out,
but merely to acquaint their friends finally with the
fact of their departure. The P. p. c. card requires no
acknowledgment of its receipt.

A Traveller's Card

A WOMAN arriving at a place where she has
friends and intending to stop there for a greater
or less time, takes pains to acquaint her friends — ^both
the men and the women— of her presence by posting
her visiting cards bearing her temporary address. A
man, in such circumstances, calls on his friends ; and
if he finds them not at home, he leaves his card.

It is very important for a member of society in
case of a change of address to post cards to all his or
her friends announcing the change. The cards bearing
the old address are best used for this purpose, with a
line drawn through the old address and the new one
written clearly in pencil above or opposite the old one.

Cards Announcing Birth of a Child

THE birth of a child is announced to friends and
acquaintances by special cards sent by post. A
large square of bristol board bears the mother's

Three] CattUfi 69

name and address, and tied to the upper half of this
by a narrow white satin ribbon is a second card about
one-fourth as large bearing the child's full name, with-
out the prefix or title, and with the date of birth in one
corner.

On the receipt of cards announcing a birth
calls are usually made to enquire after the health of
mother and child and cards are left for them both.
Persons prevented by distance or other sufficient cause
from calhng, should answer the cards of announcement
by posting their own cards to the mother, with the
words. Hearty congratulations written in pencil above
the name.

Chapter FOUR

Btnner0

The Invitations

A FORTNIGHT is the usual notice given
in sending out dinner invitations, al-
though some persons extend it to three
weeks, but this is only done when great
ceremony is to be observed, or when
engraved cards of invitation are issued. For a dinner
of ceremony it is not safe, nor in good taste, to issue
the engraved or written invitations less than five days
ahead of time. The reason for giving a long notice is
obvious : it enables a hostess to secure the guests she
most wishes to entertain, and makes it easier for her
to send out additional invitations when any of her
cards are declined.

An invitation posted a day or two before the feast
too clearly indicates that its recipient is but an after-
thought, or that he or she is asked in to fill the seat of
some guest who has dropped out at the last moment.

A nostess who gives many large and elaborate din-
ners in the course of a season may exercise her prefer-
ence between writing her invitations on note sheets
with her own hand and sending out specially engraved

Btnnetd

cards. But whichever course she pursues, the terms
in which she bids her friends to a formal dining are
invariably the same. The card on which a dinner in-
vitation is engraved is as a rule large, of pure white,
rather heavy bristol board, and the engraving is done
in script, old English or block type. At proper inter-
vals spaces are left for the insertion of the name of the
person invited, the day, jthe hour and the date, thus :

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

request the pleasure of

company at dinner

on evening

at ^clock

^o Maple Avenue.

Should the dinner be given in honor of a special
guest, the hostess may appropriately write, 7*0 meet
Mr. and Mrs. Browny at the bottom of every en-
graved card or order her stationer to prepare small
cards to accompany every invitation she issues, the
cards to be engraved after this form :

To meet

Mr.

and Mrs. Brown

Wells

of IFaskingtom

72 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

When a dinner of unusual formality and elesance
is to be given, to introduce some one of distinguished
position to the hostess's friends, there are sent out cards
for the occasion that take this form :

Tq meet

The President and Mrs. McKinley
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

request the pleasure of

company at dinner

on evening

at o\/oci

4.0 Maple Avenue.

Written Invitations

AS has been stated in the opening paragraph a
hostess may elect to use engraved or written
dinner invitations, and though the former are a trifle
more elegant, they need never be regarded as more
ceremonious mediums for the oflfer of hospitality. A
written invitation, employing the same terms as have
just been set forth for an engraved card, never occupies
more than the first page of a note sheet. A sheet
folded once into an envelope which it exactly fits is the
type of stationery to use ; and like the engraved cards
these personally prepared missives are issued under
cover of but a single envelope.

The letters " R. s. v. p." (standing for RipondeZy
s*il vous plait — answer, if you please) now rarely or

Four] Btnnetd

never appear on a dinner card ; for, it is reasonably
argued, to thus remind a person of so obvious and well
understood a duty as that of answering a dinner invita-
tion is a distinct discourtesy.

A dinner card is always addressed to both the hus-
band and wife when married persons are invited, since
it is discourteous to invite a wife without her husband,
or vice versa. When other members of the same
family or guests stopping in the house are asked, separ-
ate invitations are sent to each one.

Invitations to Less Ceremonious Din-
ners

FOR small dinners for not more than six or eight
people most of whom are already acquainted
with each other the invitations are more appropriately
issued in the form of brief friendly notes, as follows, and
addressed to the wife when a married couple is invited.

24. Chestnut Square^

Feb. I sty ip — .
JHy dear Mrs. Johnson:

Will you and Mr. Johnson give us the pleasure of your com-
pany at dinner on Monday^ the seventh^ at eight 0^ clock f

Sincerely yoursy

Elizabeth Barrows Lane.

JO Rampart St.,

May *phy ip — .
Dear Mr. Brookman:

We would be very pleased to have you dine with us on Mon-^
day next J the I2thy at seven o^clock^ if disengaged.

Cordially yours ^

Helen Clements^

74 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

4.00 West 40th St.

Nov. istj ip — .
Dear Mrs. yones :

It would give us great pleasure to have you and Mr. Jones
dine informally with us on Wednesday^ the sixths at half past six^
to meet Mr. and Mrs. Graham Howland^ of London^ and after^
wards go with us to see Sara Bernhardt in ^^U Aiglon^ Trusting
that there is no previous engagement to prevent our enjoyment of
your company y I am

Most sincerely yours^

Eleanor A. Smyth.

To Postpone or Cancel a Dinner

WHEN conditions arise to prevent the giving of
a dinner for which engraved cards have been
issued, the hostess immediately dispatches, by messenger,
or by special delivery through the post, short written
notices, canceling or postponmg the engagement. The
formula of the third person can be used or the explana-
tion expressed in a brief note, thus :

'Mr, and Mrs. Christopher King
regret exceedingly that a sudden and severe illness
in their family necessitates the indefinite postpone*
ment of their dinner arranged for the 12th inst.

Because of recent damage to their home by fire
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King
beg to postpone their dinner^ arranged for Mon-^
day^ the twelfth to Thursday^ the fifteenth^ on
which date they hope to have the pleasure of Mr,
and Mrs. Henry Collinses company^ at eight
ifclock.

Four] Mnnttfi

/ Fulton Gardens^

Feb. jrd^ ip — .
Afy Dear Airs. Collins :

I write in haste and with great regret^ to tell you that
my husband and I are unexpectedly called to Chicago to-night to
testify in the settlement of an estate in which we are vitally
interested. As we have no idea what the law^s delays may be^ we
think it best to indefinitely postpone our dinner arranged for the
thirteenth. Hoping that at some future date we may have the
pleasure of entertaining you and Mr. Collins^

I am most sincerely yoursy

Marjorie King.

Inviting a Stop-gap

IT is quite allowable to call upon a friend, as an act
of special courtesy, to fill a vacancy occurring in a
dinner party at the last moment. But in such a case
the invitation should be by a cordial note, frankly ex-
plaining the circumstances, and not by a formal card
dispatched at the last moment. It would be entirely
civil and reasonable, for example, to approach a friend
with an appeal for assistance in the following terms :

12 Westbury Place^

Dec. 2pthj ip — .
Dear Mr. Cook :

Will you not be very amiable ^ and help me out on Thursday ^
the twenty-first^ at a dinner party? The grippe has seized one
of my guests at the eleventh hour^ and I am cast upon the good
nature of my friends. We are dining at eight (^ clock ^ and my
husband and I will count ourselves under the most agreeable
obligations to you for the pleasure of your company as well as the
favor you confer by coming.

Sincerely yours^

Amelia E. Bradford,

76 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Answering a Dinner Invitation

A PRO MPT and decisive reply, written within
twenty-four hours, is the rule followed by well-
bred and considerate individuals. It is a gross incivil-
ity, else an indication of a very defective social educa-
tion, to permit a dinner card to lie two or three days
awaiting its answer. As unforgiveable a solecism is to
accept a dinner invitation conditionally. To write a
hostess asking a day or two of grace in which to dis-
cover if impediments to final acceptance can be re-
moved, or to write saying, carelessly, " Mr. Brown will
be glad to accept Mrs. Jones's kind invitation, if he is
not called out of town on business before the fifteenth,"
are liberties not to be permitted in well regulated
society. Let one's yea be yea and one*s nay be nay,
is the finest precept to follow when answering the
complimentary request for one's company at a dinner,
whether it is a stately function or a modest and infor-
mal gathering.

The answer to an invitation expressed in the
third person is invariably written and cast in this
mould :

14. West Street^

March J I sty ip —

Air* and Mrs. Mayhexv Marhury

accept with pleasure

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Kin^s

invitation to dinner on

Tuesday evenings April tenth^

at eight 0^ clock.

Four] Btnnerg 77

Mr. and Mrs. Mayhew Marbury
regret that their departure from town prevents

their acceptance of

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Kin^s

kind invitation to dinner on

Tuesday evening^ April tenths

at eight 0* clock.

14. West Street y
March J 1st ^ /p — .

The envelope would be addressed to Mrs. Christo-
pher King.

A dinner invitation in the form of a note must be
answered by a note, in which it is the sensible custom
to repeat the dates given in the hostess' missive, thus:

I J Court Street^

Jan. jisty /p — .
My dear Mrs. Lane:

It gives me great pleasure to accept your kind invitation to
dinner on Monday^ the seventh^ at eight o'clock.

Sincerely yours^

Harriet Johnson.

Eastern Pointy

April 2pth^ ip — .
Dear Mrs. Clements:

I will be most happy to dine with you on Monday ^ the I2th^
at seven o'clock.

Faithfully yours ^

Arthur Brookman.

78 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

7^ North End Avenue^
Nov. 22nd^
My dear Mrs. Smith :

Mr. Jones and I are extremely sorry that we are not able to
accept your invitation for the sixth. We are pledged for a din-
ner and the opera on that date^ and lament that the gods see fit to
offer us so many more charming invitations than we are able to
accept and profit by. Mr, Jones joins me in kind regards and
regrets.

Believe me^ sincerely yours^

Isabel E. Jones.

The envelope of any of the foregoing answers
would be addressed to Mrs. Lane, or Mrs. Clements,
or Mrs. Smith, as the case might be, and not to the
husband also.

Breaking a Dinner Engagement

HERE a note containing a very genuine and ex-
plicit reason for canceling so sacred an engage-
ment must be despatched by special messenger or
by special postal delivery to the hostess.

14. West Street^
March J 1st,
My dear Mrs. King:

I regret to say that we are, by most unforeseen and unkind cir-
cumstances, prevented from dining with you on Wednesday. Mr.
Bowles has been called by telegraph to-day to our mines in Pennsyl-
vania, where a serious accident has befallen a number of our em-
ployees. We feel acutely distressed, for up to this time none of
our men have been injured, and I anxiously await further news of
the progress of the rescue.

In sincere disappointment, I am yours,

Elsie r. Bowles.

Four] Btnnet0

JVaverly Place^

Jan. /J/A, /p — .
My Dear Mrs. King:

An accident on the ice yesterday afternoon results in so severe
a sprain that I fear it will he impossible for me to appear at your
table to-morrow. The pain of the wounded ankle is hardly^ I
assure you^ more severe than the disappointment I feel at relinquish^
ing the opportunity of enjoying your always delightful hospitality.

With many regrets I am faithfully yours ^

John y. Finley.

Answering a Request to Serve as a

Stop-Gap

THIS reply whether favorable or not, must take
the form of a note :

J Broadway^

Dec. 28th^ /p — .
Dear Mrs. Bradford:

There is nothing I like better than at the same time to dine
with you and serve you. At eight o^ clock to-morrow I will do my
best to persuade you that the obligation and pleasure of the situa-
tion are all on my side.

Believe me^ sincerely yours^

Everett R. Cook.

A Large and Formal Dinner Party

THE chief requisites for a successful dinner party
are a very carefully selected group of congenial
guests, a choice and well-assorted menu ; prompt and
watchful, but silent and unobtrusive servants; lights
tastefully adjusted, and a host and hostess absolutely at
their ease. Even to the folding of the napkins and
the temperature of the wines, the etiquette of the

8o Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

dinner party is now exactly prescribed, and the hostess
who wanders from the limits of the well-ordained rules
will surely find herself led into profitless and embar-
rassing experiments.

, A carelessly selected, ill-assorted dinner com-
pany in which there appear a greater number of
men than women, or of women than men, is a grievous
mistake. As is pointed out in the paragraphs on
dinner invitations it is the wisest provision to issue the
engraved cards or notes well in advance of the date
set for the feast and thereby ensure the presence of the
persons desired, before other engagements can claim
them ; if an ornate and formal feast is on the tapis and
at the last moment an accident, illness or bereavement
prevents the attendance of a guest, then the hostess
must set her wits to work and find a substitute, an
obliging friend or relative, to fill the chair thus left
vacant ; otherwise her table will lose its symmetry in
arrangement.

For a ceremonious dinner the company consists of
eight, twelve, fourteen or eighteen persons ; and the
guests must be seated at one table. It is a serious, almost
an unforgiveable, error to overestimate the capacity of
one's dining-room or the powers of one's cook or wait-
ress, and attempt the entertainment of a greater num-
ber of people than can be comfortably seated at one's
table, and the provision and service of an entertain-
ment too complicated and elaborate for one's facilities.

Time

THE hour for a dinner, of such formality that the
invitations have been issued a fortnight in ad-
vance of the chosen evening, is usually seven, seven-

Four] Btnnetfi; si

thirty, or eight o'clock. A dinner so elaborate that
the actual serving of the many courses will occupy
over two hours is a great mistake. A hostess should
so arrange her menu and drill her servants that one
hour and a half only will be spent at table, though in
one hour a handsome and very complete feast can be
dispatched^ without crowding one course too close upon
the heels of another. After an hour or an hour and a
half the diners are usually well satisfied to leave the
atmosphere of the dining-room and the sight of food.

The Servants

THE serving can be successfully accomplished by
a butler, a footman and one maid ; by a butler
and a maid, or by two skilful women servants. For a
dinner of eighteen covers, at least three servants are
necessary ; for one of twelve covers, two will manage
everything nicely, while at one of eight covers a single,
capable man or maid, if assisted by a well trained
helper in the pantry, can expeditiously minister to every-
one's wants.

A butler wears complete evening livery, without
white cotton gloves. A second man, assisting, wears
his full house livery; or if an assistant is had in for the
occasion, from a restaurant, his dress is similar to
that of the butler. A maid servant appears in her
afternoon livery of black, with white apron, cuffs,
collar and cap. The servant that is at the head
of affairs in the dining-room, must be instructed
as to the exact number of guests, in order that the
announcement of the meal may follow immediately
on the arrival in the drawing-room of the last
person expected. Appearing at the drawing-room

82 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

door, the maid or butler should say, looking directly at
the mistress of the house, " Madame, dinner is served,"
or siniply, " Dinner is served."

After dinner, when the guests are leaving, the but-
ler is in readiness to open the hall door for them, call
carriages, assist gentlemen into their overcoats, and
hand them their hats and gloves.

Music

TOO much thought and care can hardly be expended
by a hostess upon the aspect of her dining-
room and the faultless arrangement of her table, whether
a small or a large dinner company is expected. If she
purposes to accompany the feast with music, then
stringed instruments are preferable to any other.
Violins, mandolins, and a harp or guitars produce
charming harmonies if the players are established in a
hall or on a stair-landing, where they will not be seen and
whence the music will come sufficiently softened not
to be an interruption or distraction to the guests. Music
that interferes with conversation, or that is loud enough
to force the company into a tone of speech above the
ordinary, is not a pleasure at a dinner, but only a
nuisance and a weariness. When a special musical
program has been prepared, it should not be performed
until after the dinner proper is finished.

Comforts for Guests

IN preparing for a dinner party, the hostess adorns
her drawing-room with flowers, opens the piano,
illuminates the salon with shaded lamps, and draws the
window shades ; she also provides a dressing-room for
the ladies. In the library or small ante-room, in the

Four] Btntietfii 83

smoking-room, or even in the rear of the hall, gentle-
men can be asked to lay aside their coats, hats and
gloves, though assuredly in the circumstances of a very
large dinner they would require and appreciate the ad-
vantages of a dressing-room.

Temperature of Dining-Room

IT is, however, in the dining-room and on her table
that the intelligent hostess expends her best care.
The temperature of the dining-room should noft be al-
lowed to rise above seventy-five degrees, nor permitted
to fall below seventy ; and the room should be kept
always well ventilated, in order that the air may be
always sweet and free of odors from the kitchen. Even
in the coldest weather one window at least may well be
kept open an inch at top and bottom, until the guests
enter. A dining-room heats only too rapidly from the
lights, foods and human occupants, and even a sump-
tuous feast is robbed of all its charm when eaten in a
hot, exhausted atmosphere. If, by chance, an unoccu-
pied room opens into the dining-room, continuous
ventilation, without draughts, may be secured by open-
ing the windows in the vacant chamber and shielding
the doorway between the two rooms with screens.

Lights

GAS jets or electric lights swinging above the
centre of the table are a tasteless, tactless means of
illuminating a dining-room. As a matter of fact, sav-
ing and excepting the table and its immediate environs,
the room in which a truly enjoyable feast is served
must not be lighted at all. The light should be con-
centrated and so directed, that, while every part of the

84 KncyclopcBdia of Ktiquette [Chapter

cloth is in radiant vision, the guests' eyes are at the
same time shaded from any painful glare and the
buffets, side-table and pantry door thrown into agree-
able shadow. Candles or small lamps, with the name
well shaded, produce the softest, steadiest, most com-
fortable and most becoming light. Incomprehensible
as it may sound, there are hostesses who, in obedience
to the behest of fashion, provide gorgeous candelabra
or lamps for their table, yet continue to drown out and
neutralize the glow from them by turning on the fierce
hard light of the gas or electric chandelier. This is
simply to convert a fashion, that really originated in
sense and comfort, into a perfect absurdity, and to rob
the entertainment of just the refinement and pic-
turesqueness that alone give the private dinner an ad-
vantage over a blazing feast spread in some hotel
restaurant.

When lamps are used, they may be lamps complete
in themselves or simply lamp-bowls set in the sockets
of silver candlesticks. Exquisite cleanliness, freedom
from oily odor, and a clear name, modulated by tinted
tulle, painted silk, or crimp paper shades, are necessary
to render them as ornamental and as useful as possible.
Whether lamps or candles are used, they should be
lighted at least three minutes before the dinner is an-
nounced, in order to make sure that they are in good
condition and will burn freely and clearly until the
dinner is finished. Candles are far more popular than
lamps, because they give quite as soft and steady a
light, with less heat. Rose red, white, pale yellow,
and very delicate green shades are recommended as
yielding the most agreeable reflection. The candles
should be fixed firmly in the sockets of the candle-

Four] Btnnerg ss

sticks — ^which may be either of silver, crystal, or por-
celain — ^with bobicbes to catch the drippings, and with
mica protectors under the inflammable material of
which the shades are made. Lighting the candles a
few minutes before dinner is announced, and then, after
a moment, carefully snuffing the wicks will ensure their
burning steadily throughout the meal.

Laying the Table

A SQUARE or round table, measuring nearly or all
of five feet across, is not at all too extensive for
the modern dinner party, wherein at least two feet
and a half of the circumference is allotted to the
cover of each guest. A long narrow table never lends
itself readily to decoration, even under the most skil-
ful hand. In the case of a round table, if the ordinary
family board is not large enough to accommodate the
number of guests, a larger separate top can be made, to
be laid on the fixed smaller one, as special occasions
require.

Before the cloth is laid, a thickness of felt or
double-faced canton flannel should be placed upon
the board ; and upon this is spread the cloth itself, of
damask linen, large, pure white, laundered with little
or no starch, and ironed to perfect smoothness. A hand-
some dinner cloth falls in full, long drapery about a table,
its four corners almost touching the floor ; and as the
beauty of a dinner board depends largely upon the almost
mathematical exactness with which all the furnishings
are arranged, a good point to start from in determining
the proper location of goblets, decanters, and so on, is
the central crease in the cloth. This always runs the
length of the table, dividing it exactly in half. At the

86 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

middle point in this line the large centre doiley finds
its proper place. A square or circular piece of fine
napery, lace, or drawn work is best used here ; mirror
disks and scarfs and circular pieces of linen embroidered
in colors are no longer the mode. Occasionally a silver
tray is placed at the centre of the table, and on it is
set a crystal or silver bowl, or vase filled with
flowers. But whether the doiley or the tray is
chosen for the flat centrepiece, the flowers are still the
chief ornament of every table. White blossoms
and maiden-hair fern, a sheaf of gorgeous hot-house
roses, a flat basket of orchids, a bowl of brilliantly-
tinted sweet peas, an inexpensive dish of ferns, or a pot
of blossoming violets are any of them appropriate,
whether the decoration is built high or kept quite flat.
It is the commendable taste of most hostesses to use
pink lamp or candle shades, if pink roses have the
post of honor, and yellow silk shades when daflFodils
shed their radiance of color abroad.

When the centre ornament has been artistically
adjusted, the candlesticks or lamps are disposed about
it. Four single sticks should form a guard of honor
around the flowers, standing at exactly equal distances
from each other and from the flowers. Four candles
will thoroughly illuminate a table laid for six or eight.
For a table of twelve persons, six sticks or two can-
delabra, each with three or four branches, will be re-
quired. Sometimes the candelabra are set at equal
distances above and below the centrepiece; or one
tall many-branched stick springs from the middle of
the basket of flowers, while four shorter single sticks
stand to right and left of the centrepiece. Decanters
of wine, salt-cellars, pepper-boxes, compotiers of

Four] Btnttet0 87

bonbons, and platters of salted nuts are then lo-
cated.

Individual salt-cellars and pepper-boxes are not
often on dinner tables, but large ones stand, one of each,
side by side, somewhere near the four corners of the
table. The trays or compo tiers of silver, porcelain, or
crystal, holding the nuts and sweets, are set between
the candlesticks, or a little outside the circle of the
candlesticks, toward the edge of the table.

Whatever plan of laying a table is followed, care
must be taken that one side exactly matches and
balances the other in the number and placing of the
various articles, in order to give it a tidy and finished
appearance. Care should also be taken not to litter
the board with useless objects or dishes that properly
belong on the sideboard. Butter is not served at a
ceremonious dinner; in fact, at the modern well-
appointed family dinner table it does not appear.
Celery, radishes, olives, horse radish, mustard, or any
other relish or special seasoning, is passed from time to
time by the servant; so also are bread and water.
Therefore carafes and menus, favors, individual bou-
quets of flowers, aiid groups of handsome but useless
spoons have wisely been banished as clumsy and
meaningless.

Although a table appears better balanced and more
dignified when the host and hostess are seated directly
opposite each other, this order of laying the covers
must be sacrificed if, from the number of persons to be
seated or from the shape of the table, it is necessary
to do so in order to conform to the rule of placing
the guests so as not to bring two ladies or two gentle-
men side by side.

88 Encyclopoedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Arrangement of a Cover

HE requirements in the arrangement of a dinner
X cover are as follows : The plate should be so
placed that if it is decorated, the fruit or flowers of the
decoration will be in a natural position to the eye of the
person seated before it ; or so that if it is adorned
with a monogram or crest, this will be right side up
to the view of the sitter. On the plate is placed a large
white dinner napkin, folded and ironed square, with the
monogram corner showing, and with a dinner roll or a
square of bread laid between the folds. To the left of
the plate three silver forks are laid close together, the
points of the prongs turned up. To the right of the
plate lie two large silver-handled, steel-bladed knives
and one small silver knife, their sharp edges turned
toward the plate. . Beside the silver knife is laid a
soup spoon, with its bowl turned up, and next to the
soup spoon lies the oyster fork. Though three forks
only are as a rule laid at the left of the plate, a hostess
whose supply of silver is equal to almost any reason-
able demand may add yet another or lay the covers
with only two apiece. The addftional fourth fork
would be for the fish and of a special shape, that is,
shorter than the others with three flat prongs and the
third one on the left broader than the others. If the
fish that is to be served can easily be disposed of with-
out the use of the small silver knife at the right of the
plate, then this last mentioned utensil should not be
supplied.

Nearly touching the tips of the knife-blades stand
four glasses — one a goblet, or tumbler, for water ;
one a small, very tapering, vase-like glass, for

Four] Sinners 89

sherry ; one, the conventional wine-glass, for claret, and
one very tall or very flaring for champagne.

If sauterne or any still white wine is also to be
served, to the list of glasses must be added one shaped
like a tumbler^ but smaller in circumference and some-
what taller, or one shaped like the one for claret and
tinted a delicate green. If both still water and sparkling
water are to be offered, the first mentioned should be
served in stemmed goblets and the second in tumblers,
and if whiskey and water is to be offered to any of
the male guests, there must be provided for this clear,
thin glass tumblers, very much taller than those used
for the mineral water, and perfect cylinders in shape or
flaring slightly at their tops.

On top of the napkin lies a small gilt-edged card,
possibly with a tiny water-color decoration in the cor-
ner, and bearing across its length, in the hostess's hand-
writing, the name of the person for whom the seat is
intended.

The Menu

WHEN the dining-room is in readiness, the
hostess must needs as well have satisfied her-
self that the menu she has appointed is not only well
and carefully cooked, but selected with taste and good
sense. Large dinners seem to require a long list of
dishes — for eighteen persons, as many as ten or twelve
or fourteen courses ; for eight persons, eight or nine
courses ; six friends meeting round a hospitable board
would be well satisfied with six courses.

The order of a sumptuous dinner would follow this
general routine :

I. Shell fish — small clams or oysters, one-half

90 Rncyclop(Bdia of Rtiquette [Chapter

dozen for each person, laid in their shells on a bed of
finely crushed ice. With these are offered red and black
pepper, grated horse radish, small thin slices of buttered
brown bread, or tiny crisp biscuit and quarters of lemon-
1. Soup.

3. A course of hors d'oeuvres, such as radishes^
celery, olives, and salted almonds.

4. Fish, with potatoes and cucumbers, the latter
dressed with oil and vinegar.

5. Mushrooms or sweetbreads.

6. Asparagus or artichokes.

7. Spring lamb, or roast, with a green vegetable.

8. Roman punch.

9. Game with salad.

10. A second entree.

11. A rich pudding.

12. A frozen sweet.

13. Fresh and crystallized fruit, and bonbons.

14. Coffee and liqueurs.

Leaving out the third, fifth and tenth courses, a
menu of proportions sufficiently dignified for a dinner
of eight guests remains, while for a simple entertain-
ment it would be enough to begin with soup, followed
by fish, a roast, salad, ices, sweetmeats and coffee.

Wines

WINES are a feature of the greatest importance in
dinner-giving, and at least three kinds may be
poured : that is to say, sherry, claret and champagne.
For a dinner of more than eight persons, a white wine,
sherry, claret, burgundy and champagne are provided.
One wine, preferably claret, is poured at a small dinner.
White wine is drunk with the first course and

Four] Mnntt^

sherry with the soup ; champagne is offered with fish,
and its glasses are replenished throughout the meal.
Claret or burgundy comes in with the game. Sherry
and claret are usually decanted, and the cut crystal
and silver bottles form part of the decorative furniture
of the table. The temperature of these liquids must
not be below sixty degrees, and many persons pre-
fer their claret of the same temperature as the dinmg-
room. White wines and Burgundy are best poured
from their bottles and served cool but certainly not
cold. When a very fine Burgundy is poured the bottles
are laid on their sides, each one in its small individual
basket and for hours they are not disturbed in order
that all the sediment may fall to the bottom, leaving
the rich fluid exceedingly clear. The man or maid
servant who pours this wine brings each bottle in its
basket to the table and so handles the whole that the
bottle may be jostled as little as possible.

Champagne is never decanted, and must be poured
while very cold — in fact, directly on leaving a bed of
ice and salt in which the bottles, as a rule, are packed
to their necks for a half hour before dinner. The
buckets of salt and ice, holding the bottles of cham-
pagne, are placed conveniently in the pantry, and when
this wine is to be poured the servant deftly pulls the
cork and wraps a fringed white napkin spirally about
the bottle, from neck to base. This napkin absorbs
the moisture on the bottle's surface and prevents any
dripping. An untrained servant should never be trusted
to pour champagne.

Liqueurs are served with the coflFee, are decanted
into cut or gilded glass bottles of special shape and
drunk from very small stemmed or tumbler shaped

92 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

glasses. All liqueurs are equally agreeable when served
at the temperature of the drawing-room, though many
persons prefer green mint when it is poured mto tiny
glasses nearly filled with shaved ice. The bottles of
liqueur and small glasses are arranged on a silver tray
and carried after dinner into the drawing-room when
the coffee is taken there.

Serving

THE service of a dinner should proceed expedi-
tiously — without haste, and yet without long
pauses between the courses. So soon as the table is
set, in the pantry, on the dining room buffet, or a side
table, the extra forks, plates, knives, spoons, etc., for
the different courses may be piled and laid, and the finger
glasses arranged — everyone of the latter half filled
with water in which floats a geranium leaf and one
blossom, and set in a plate upon which is spread a lace
or linen doily. When a dinner commences with oysters
or clams two plates are laid at each cover an instant
previous to the announcement that the meal is served.
One, a deep plate, contains the shell fish laid on cracked
ice, and this is set upon a second plate that serves no
obvious purpose, save to protect the cloth in case the
ice should melt and flood the first platter.

If the dinner begins with soup each cover is laid
with a flat plate, on which is folded a napkin holding a
roll. These things the guests remove when they are
seated and the servant then sets upon the first plates,
second and deeper ones containing soup At the con-
clusion of the soup course all the soup plates are
removed, with the plates on which they have stood,
and then warmed plates for the fish are distributed.

Four] Binnetfi

After this course a clean plate is required for each
guest before the serving of any course begins and
when the first three forks and knives laid at all the
covers, have been used, fresh ones must very naturally
be given with each plate. The servant should lay every
plate on the cloth quietly and where there are more
than six guests dining it is safest for the maid or butler
to take no more than four or five plates at a time from
the sideboard, distribute them noiselessly and then
return to the buffet for the remainder. A question
troubling many a hostess, is whether the clean knives
and forks should be put on the fresh plates as they are
laid before the guests, or whether the plates should be
distributed first and then the knives and forks laid on
the cloth beside them. The first course is usually
adopted in restaurants and at hotel tables, where rapid
service is esteemed above noiseless and deliberate
elegance. In a private house, where servants are well
trained, one maid distributes the plates and in her rear
comes another, to softly lay the knives and forks in
their proper places. Even if one maid serves the
dinner she can proceed thus with greater rapidity and
silence than if required to set plate, knife and fork all
down together.

Plates for hot courses must needs be warmed, but
hot plates that make one's fingers tingle are an in-
appropriate evidence of zeal. If the hostess' supply
of china is limited, plates once used can easily
be washed in the pantry and utilized for another
course. The servant who waits must not be expected
to do this ; and a warning is well given to the maid
who washes the dishes, and generally assists in the pan-
try, not to carelessly clash the china or create a bustle

94 Kncycloptsdia of Etiquette [Chapter

that cannot but painfully confuse and distract the hos-
tess and guests. The dumb-waiter should roll up and
down noiselessly, and a tall screen should protect the
guests' eyes from fleeting glimpses of the pantry as the
servant passes back and forth.

A well-trained servant presents the dishes at the
left hand of every guest in turn, beginning the first
course with the lady at the right of the host, and then
passing in regular order from gentlemen to ladies as
they are seated. After the first course, the dishes are
started on their progress about the table at the left
hand of a lady, but not always with the lady seated at
the host's right, for the same person must not invari-
ably be left to be helped last.

At a ceremonious dinner served a la Russe, the
host does not carve any of the meats, none of the dishes
are set upon the table and the hostess does not help
her guests to anything. When a dozen or more per-
sons are dining the serving of a course is expedited by
dividing the wnole amount of the course on two dishes,
which the two servants in waiting would begin to pass
simultaneously, from opposite sides and different ends
of the table.

In offering a dish, it is not requisite for the servant
to make any word of comment or invitation; when
two wines are poured with a course the butler then men-
tions the names of the wines, in an interrogatory
tone, leaving the guest to make choice. U three
servants are in attendance, the butler does not pass
many of the dishes. His duty is to pour the wines,
present the game and fish courses possibly, stand
near the side table or buffet and direct his assistants
with silent signals and covert gestures, lend a deft hand

Four] Mnntxsi

at any crisis, and at the conclusion of the meal, set forth
the cigars for the gentlemen and carry the coffee in to
the ladies in the drawing-room.

Welcoming Guests

A HOST and hostess receive in their drawing-
room, and must be prepared to welcome the
first person to arrive, advancing to meet their friends
with cordial speeches and outstretched hands. At a
dinner of eight, introductions can easily be made before
the feast is announced; at a larger dinner, the host and
hostess must see to it that every gentleman is intro-
duced to the lady beside whom he is to sit at the table
and take in on his arm.

Fifteen minutes is ample time to wait for a delin-
quent, and if there is a guest lacking a quarter of an
hour after all the other guests have arrived, the hostess
is privileged to order the dinner to be served.

Order of Precedence

WHEN dinner is announced, the host rises at
once, offering his right arm to the lady who
is to sit at his right. If a dinner is given in honor of a
married couple, the host leads the way to the table
with his guest's wife, the hostess bringing up the
rear with that lady's husband. If there is no particu-
larly distinguished person in the party, the host takes
in the eldest lady, or the one who has been invited to
the house for the first time. Relatives, or husbands
and wives are never sent in together. There should,
if possible, be an equal number of men and women
guests. If, however, there are eight ladies and seven
gentlemen, the hostess should bring up in the rear

96 Encyclopcadia of Etiquette [Chapter

walking alone ; she should never take the other arm of
the last gentleman.

Seating the Guests

THERE need be no confusion in seating. Those
persons who go into the dining-room together
sit side by side ; and they can move gently about the
table, discover their places by the cards bearing their
names and lying at their respective covers. The host
waits a moment until the ladies are seated, then the
dinner proceeds.

For a very large dinner, the hostess will find it
most convenient to prepare beforehand small cards in
envelopes, to be given the gentlemen by the butler at
the door or in their dressing rooms. On each envelope
is inscribed the name of the gentleman for whom it is
intended ; on the card inside is the name of the lady
whom he is to take in to the table. On investigating
his card, the recipient can easily identify his table com-
panion, and if he knows her not, can appeal to his host
or hostess to introduce him.

Welcoming a Delinquent

SHOULD one or more guests arrive after the com-
pany is seated, the hostess is expected to bow,
smile, shake hands, and receive apologies amiably ; but
does not rise unless the guest is a woman. The host,
however, rises, goes forward, assists in seating the delin-
quent, and endeavors, by making general conversation,
to distract attention from the incident. If the arrival is
very late, no break is made in serving, the guest being
expected to take up the dinner at the point it has reached
when he appears, otherwise great confusion arises.

Four] Mnntt^

In Case of Accident

IF during a dinner a guest meets with an accident,
such as overturning a plate or breaking a glass,
the hostess should smile amiably, in a few words set
the individual at ease, and instantly introduce a topic
of conversation that will direct the company's attention
to a totally foreign subject. Prolonged protestations
of indifference and further reference to the matter are
in bad taste. At the end of each course, both host and
hostess should be careful to note whether any of their
guests are still engaged in eating, and at least simulate
the same occupation until every one present is quite
finished.

When the Ladies Leave the Table

AT the conclusion of the fruit course, the hostess
looks significantly at the lady at the right of
her husband, and meeting her glance, nods, smiles and
rises. At this movement the gentlemen rise as well,
standing aside to permit the ladies to pass out toward
the drawing-room. The doors or portieres of the door
communicating between drawing- and dining-room are
then closed, and the butler or waitress carries in the
coffee tray to the ladies, following it with a tray hold-
ing tiny glasses and decanters of various liqueurs.

Cigars and Wine

AFTER the ladies leave the dining-room, the
servants pass cigars and cigarettes, with a
lighted taper or an alcohol lamp. Ash-trays are then
conveniently placed, and the decanters arranged near
the gentlemen, who, as a rule, change their seats to join

98 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

a group at the host's end of the table. The host per-
sonally fills the glasses of his guests or invites them to
help themselves, and push the decanters on.

Twenty to twenty-five minutes after the ladies have
retired, the host should propose adjourning to the
drawing-room, permitting the gentlemen to precede
him in leaving the dining-room.

Bidding Guests Adieu

HOST and hostess rise to bid departing guests
farewell. When a lady makes a motion to
leave, the host accompanies her to the drawing-room
door and orders her carriage called. In behalf of a
gentleman departing, the butler or waitress would be
rung for, to assist the guest in finding his coat and
assuming it, and to open the hall door.

Such would be the etiquette for the ceremonious
and fashionable dinner party ; and with a very few
changes, a small and less fashionable dining would be
conducted on precisely the same lines. There might
be fewer servants and fewer courses, simple flowers, and
but a quartet of intimate friends ; but this change of
conditions necessitates but slight alteration in the method
of arranging the table, of oflFering the food, and of wel-
coming the guests. Finally, let it be said, at a dinner,
whether formal or informal, whether the host carves the
joint or does not, and whether the hostess and the other
ladies sit with the gentlemen as they enjoy their cigars
or do not, it still is the duty of the entertainers to take
a prominent part in the table conversation. The
hostess must not allow her thoughts to wander, nor
harassing doubts to cloud her brow. She must pre-
serve her serenity and good temper, smile at mistakes,

Four] Binnetfi

correct the servant in a low tone, and give close and
flattering attention to the conversation about her.

The Simple Dinner

AGREEABLE and successful dinners are given with
far less elaborate paraphernalia, menu and service
than has been described in the foregoing pages. A hos-
tess who possesses pretty but simple table fiirniture,
and commands the services of but one maid and a cook
of ordinary capabilities, should select a list of dishes
which will not be difficult to prepare; oysters, soup, fish,
a roast with vegetables, salad, dessert and coffee, if well
cooked and temptingly presented, form a feast fit to set
before a king. The fish course is completed by
potatoes or cucumbers, or both ; the salad is possibly
preceded by frozen punch and accompanied with game,
and for a truly simple dinner the hostess should serve
the soup, salad, dessert, and pour the coffee and the
host serve the fish and carve the joint and game.

A white cloth and centrepiece of flowers, four
candles or dinner lamps, one decanter of red wine and
two or four small crystal or silver platters, containing
bonbons, olives, salted nuts and celery, are the proper
furnishings for a board set for a party of six or eight
persons. The covers for a simple dinner, are, with the
exception of fewer wine glasses, arranged as for a
fashionable and formal banquet.

If the first course consists of oysters or clams,
these should be set on the table as directed on page
92. If the dinner begins with soup, the hostess
should find, when the company enter, the filled and
covered tureen and a pile of warm soup plates at her
place. So soon as everyone is seated the maid removes

loo Rncyclop^dia of Etiquette [Chapter

the tureen cover and passes the plates of soup as her
mistress ladles out the liquid. As it is not customary,
except at the family dinner, to invite a guest to take a
second helping of soup, the maid properly removes the
tureen when the last plate has been filled and passed.
The first plate of soup is given to the lady seated on
the host's right hand, then to the other feminine diners,
in the order in which they are seated, before the gentle-
men are served. A well-instructed waitress does not
remove the plates of any course until she sees that
every guest has quite finished eating. The fish and
fish plates are set before the master of the house and
when each guest has received a portion the waitress
passes on her tray a dish of potatoes. If cucumbers
are to be eaten with the fish, a small glass saucer should
be laid at the left of every cover, and then the maid
passes to each guest a glass bowl, in which the salad
has been prepared.

The master of the house, at a dinner of the simpler
sort, carves the roast, and the maid, having deposited
the plates containing the meat before each guest, passes
the vegetables. The dishes of vegetables never look well
on the table. When everyone has had a helping these
dishes should be covered, placed on the sideboard and
perhaps passed again before the meat course is finished.
The roast is, however, left before the carver, if it is his
desire to invite the guests to a second helping of
meat.

When a frozen punch is served between the roast
and salad, the small glass cups, from which it is eaten,
are filled in the pantry, each one is set on a dessert
plate, on which is laid a teaspoon, and these are
set before the guests. If game follows the punch it

Four] Btnnerg loi

should be carved by the master of the house and the
salad passed by the waitress, so that each guest helps
himself directly from the large salad bowl. As soon as
salad is passed the bowl is put on the sideboard, and it
is to be decided by every hostess independently whether
the salad is to be taken on the plates containing the
game, or whether small plates are to be set at the right
of every guest before the salad goes around.

When neither frozen punch or game are served the
bowl of salad and the plates should be set before the
hostess for serving and the maid then passes cheese
and toasted biscuit. The hostess also serves the ice or
pudding that forms the dessert and the waitress passes
the platter of cakes and finally sets it on the table.

Should claret and a white wine or one red wine
only be served with such a meal, the host invites that
gentleman whose hand is nearest the decanter to fill
the glass of the lady beside him, his own, and then pass
the decanter on. Sometimes the waitress, after she has
served everyone to soup, fills all the wine glasses and
places the decanter near the host, who thereafter sees
that it is passed about at proper intervals.

The hostess after the fish course requests her guests
to help themselves to olives and salted nuts and to pass
the platters containing the relishes. Later she takes
care that the bonbons go round the table.

If a fruit course succeeds the dessert the waitress
places before every guest a plate on which there lies a
doily, on this a finger bowl half full of water and beside
the bowl a small silver knife. Then to everyone she
offers the platter of fruit and finally places it on the
table before her master or mistress. The coffee is
usually brought in to the table on a tray which is set

102 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

before the hostess, who pours the liquid and sweetens it
to everyone's taste.

Etiquette for the Dinner Guest

THE first duty of the dinner guest is to arrive
before the hostess' door on the stroke of
the hour named in her invitation or within fifteen
minutes thereafter. It is almost as embarrassing
a blunder to anticipate by ten or twenty minutes the
time indicated on the dinner cards as it is to keep the
hostess, her delicate viands, and her presumably hungry
guests waiting.

If one is unavoidably detained, an earnest and brief
apology should be offered the hostess ; and if the
company are already seated at table, it is best, after a
short explanation, to take the vacant seat and ignore
the subject of the delay.

The servant at the door usually directs the feminine
guests to the dressing-room, where wraps are laid aside.
If no cloak-room is arranged for the masculine diners,
they put off their hats, coats and gloves in the hall,
and those gentlemen who have accompanied ladies to
the house of feasting, wait in the hall until their com-
panions appear. The lady enters the drawing-room
first, her husband, brother, or escort slightly in her
rear.

Going in to Table

AFTER greeting the host and hostess and exchang-
ing a few words with them, it is very easy to
pass on into the room and enter into conversation with
friends who have already arrived. A man or woman,
who is a stranger to every one in the room, can expect

Four] Mnntta

103

the host or hostess, unless deeply engaged with new*
comers, to rid the situation of any awkwardness and
difficulty by making suitable introductions. At the
majority of dinners numbering no more than eight per-
sons, every one is introduced ; and on the announce-
ment that the meal is served, the hostess signifies in
what order the entrance to the dining-room must be
made. If she prepares small cards and envelopes,
which the servant in the hall distributes among the
gentlemen as they arrive, every man, slipping the card
from the envelope that bears his name, finds written
thereon the name of the lady he is to take in to the
table. If he has not met the lady, he should mention
that fact to the host or hostess, who will introduce him.
When dinner is announced, every gentleman gives
his left arm to the lady beside whom his lot is cast for
the evening, and walking with her, follows the host to
the dining-room. If name-cards are placed at every
cover, the guests walk about the table until their seats
are located, the gentleman draws out the lady's chair,
waits until she is seated, and then seats himself. It is
necessary to ceremoniously watch and see that the
hostess is seated first.

Etiquette at Table

SETTLED in their chairs, the guests draw out
the rolls from their napkins, lay the linen servi-
ettes across their knees, and the ladies draw off their
gloves and place them beneath the napkins. Reference
can easily be made to the short chapter on table man-
ners for directions as to the best methods of plying a
knife and fork. Therefore, especially apropos of dm-
ner parties, it need only be said here that it is in ques-

104 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

tionable taste to help oneself very liberally to the
courses, to comment admiringly on the food or decora-
tions ; and it is hardly permissible to refuse a dish, or,
at any rate, more than one, even if a weak appetite
or the necessity of following a rigid diet prevents full
indulgence in the delicacies provided. The safest
course to follow, in order to avoid exciting the hostess'
anxious curiosity or the comment of the other diners,
is to take a little of everything on one's plate and sim-
ulate some relish in it.

Guests who have gone in to table together are not
obliged to devote their conversation exclusively to each
other. As the fruit course comes to an end and the
hostess signals for adjournment to the drawing-room,
every one rises. The gentlemen, pushing back their
chairs, stand for the ladies to pass out freely from the
table. If the servants do not open the doors, or draw
aside the portieres, leading to the drawing-room, the
gentleman sitting nearest them goes forward and holds
them open until all the ladies have passed out.

In the drawing-room, the ladies resume their gloves
at their leisure, accepting or refusing the coffee and
liqueurs as their preferences prompt.

In the dining-room, the men sit at ease to smoke
and sip their coffee and wine, drawing down near that
end of the table at which the host is established. At
a sign from that gentleman, cigars are put aside, and a
general exodus from the dining-room takes place.

When to Leave

GUESTS are privileged to leave at any moment
after the dinner is concluded. It is not polite
or flattering to a host and hostess to accept their invi-

Four] 9tnnet0 los

tations to a ceremonious dinner and hurry away to
meet another engagement just as the pudding or ices
are brought on ; but in the gay season, in a big city,
where one or two entertainments take place in an even-
ing, a man or woman greatly in demand may linger
but ten minutes in the drawing-room after dinner, and
then, with explanations and adieux, go on to the next
festivity.

As a rule, however, at a dinner beginning at seven
or half past seven o'clock, it is well to order one's
carriage or rise to leave at ten ; at an eight o'clock
dinner, to leave at half past ten would be most discreet,
though this rule becomes liable to a very elastic inter-
pretation when a dinner is made up of brilliant, con-
genial persons, and the talk in the drawing-room is
prolonged irresistibly until eleven.

The lady makes the first motion at departure,
when a husband and wife, brother and sister, or be-
trothed couple dine at the same house.

Taking Leave of Hostess

NO matter how numerous the company and how
engrossed the hostess may be, when a guest
prepares to retire, he or she must seek their entertainer
out and bid her adieu, with polite thanks for the hos-
pitality enjoyed. It would be advisable to say, //
has been a most enjoyable evenings Mrs. Blank; one
only regrets that an end to it must come; or, / am
under the greatest obligation to yoUy Mrs. Blanky for
a charming evening. Or, Au revoir^ with many^ many
thanks ; this has been a delightful occasion.

To the host no less civil adieu would be made ; but
having expressed thanks to his wife in the honors of

io6 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

which he is supposed to share, no such impressive,
grateful speeches need be offered him.

Of friends in the drawins-room and near at hand a
guest would take formal farewell ; but to persons
merely introduced and at a distance it would be suffi-
cient to bow politely with a murmured good evening.
A gentleman would cross the room, ir necessary, to
take ceremonious leave of the lady to whom he had
given his arm to the table — unless she was very distant
or deep in conversation — saying. Good nighty Miss
Blank, it has been a great pleasure to have met you.

In kindly courtesy a lady rises and extends her
hand to the gentleman who went to the table with her,
saying, at least, Thank you; good night , Mr. Jones,

Dinner Dress for Men

FULL evening dress is the rule — black swallow-
tail coat, trousers and waistcoat to match, or a
waistcoat of white pique, cut open in a long graceful U
in front, to display an immaculate expanse of stiffly-
starched white linen, ornamented with two or three
small pearl studs. A high white linen collar, with
white lawn or black silk or satin bow tie, broad cuffs
held with link-buttons, and light-weight patent-leather
ties, or pumps, is the costume de rigueur for a dinner
in summer or winter. The tailless dinner jacket,
always worn with a black bow tie, is only permissible
when dining at home without guests, or in the company
of one or two intimates.

In winter, to a dinner party, a top hat, a long dark
overcoat and grey walking gloves would be worn ;
in summer, a very light, short top coat and any com-
fortable hat or gloves may be adopted. Gentlemen do

Four] ' ginnerg 107

not wear gloves in the drawing-room or dining-room
in the event of a dinner.

Dinner Dress for Wcmcn

FOR women, the essential dinner costume is dicollete;
that is, cut open about the throat and shoulders
and short in the sleeves — else the arms are covered
with delicate and transparent stuff. The hair is elabo-
rately dressed, and jewels are advantageously utilized.
For a less ceremonious dinner, a high-necked and long-
sleeved gown is suitable, provided the dress is of a light
color or is a rich dark silk handsomely garnished.

Chapter FIVE

Cable 0.mx{tt%

Proper Seat at Table

SIT erect, neither lounge back, nor reach for-
ward to catch mouthtuls. A gentleman waits
until his hostess is seated, whether she is a
great lady of fashion or his mother, A seat
drawn too close to the table throws out the
elbows; to sit too far away from it always crooks the
back. The proper compromise is a position in which
the waist or chest is about eight inches from the board.
While a meal is in progress it is both familiar and
ungraceful to put the elbows on the table, trifle with
the knives and forks, or clink the glasses together.
When not actively occupied in eating, the hands should
lie quietly in the lap, for nothing so marks the well-
bred man or woman as a reposeful bearing at table.

Use of Napkin

THIS must not be spread out to its full extent
over lap or chest, and none but the vulgarian
tucks his napkin in the top of his waistcoat. To unfold
it once and lay it across the knees is enough. At
the conclusion of a meal enjoyed in a restaurant or
at the table of a friend, it is not necessary diligently
to fold the square of linen in its original creases and

Cable jEannerg m

lay it by the plate. Since that napkin will not be used
again until it is washed, it is all-sufficient to place it
unfolded on the table when rising. This rule is not
followed when visiting for a day or two in a friend's
house. Then the guest should do as the host and
hostess do, for not in every household is a fresh napkin
supplied at every meal.

Knife and Fork

THE knife is invariably held in the right hand
and is used exclusively for cutting and never
for conveying food to the mouth. The fork is shifted
to the right hand when the knife is laid aside, and save
for small vegetables, such as peas, beans, etc., it is not
utilized spoonwise for passing food to the mouth.

It is an evidence of careless training in table
manners to mash food in between the prongs of the
fork, to turn the concave side of the fork up and,
loading it with selections from different foods on the
plate, to lift the whole, shovel-wise, to the mouth.

No less reprehensible is it to hold knife and fork
together in the air when the plate is passed up to the
host or hostess for a second helping, or, when pausing
in the process of eating, to rest the tip of the knife and
fork on the plate's edge and their handles on the cloth.
When not in active service both these untensils must
remain resting wholly on the plate, and at the conclu-
sion of a course they should be placed together, their
points touching the centre of the plate, their handles
resting on the plate's edge.

Not only fish, meats, vegetables and made dishes,
but ices and frozen puddings, melons, and salads as
well, are eaten with a fork. Oysters and clams, lobster

no Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

and terrapin are fork foods, and it is a conspicuous error
in the ethics of good manners and epicureanism to cut
lettuce, chickory, etc., with a knife. Lettuce leaves are
folded up with the fork and lifted to the mouth.

Use of the Spoon

NEVER allow a spoon to stand in a coffee, tea
or bouillon cup while drinking from it. For
beverages served in cups and glasses it is enough
to stir the liquids once or twice, sip a spoonful or
two to test the temperature and then, laying the
spoon in the saucer, to drink the remainder directly
from the cup. To dip up a spoonful of soup and blow
upon it, in order to reduce the temperature, is a habit that
should be confined to nursery days. And in taking
soup it is best to dip it up with an outward motion
rather than by drawing the spoon toward one.

Liquids are imbibed from the side, not the end,
of the spoon.

The foods eaten with a spoon are grape fruit and
fruit salads, small and large fruits when served with
cream, hot puddings and custards, jellies, porridges and
preserves and hard or soft boiled eggs. In England
boiled eggs are eaten from the shell and it is an amazing
sight to the well-bred English man or woman to see an
American break an egg into a glass. Nevertheless on
this side the water we prefer our eggs broken in
glasses and see nothing reprehensible in the act

Use of Finger Bowl

A FINGER bowl is the necessary adjunct to a
fruit course. The bowl, half filled with water
in which a fragrant leaf or blossom floats, is set upon a

Five] Cable jWlannetg iii

plate, on which a small doily lies. Unless a second
plate is served with the fruit, that on which the bowl of
water stands is intended to receive it. Then the bowl
and doily must be removed a little to one side and the
former placed upon the latter. When the fruit is fin-
ished each hand in turn must be dipped in the water,
not both together as though the bowl were a wash
basin. A little rubbing together of the finger tips,
without stirring up or splashing the water about,
cleanses them thoroughly and they must be dried with
the napkin on the knees. The flowers in the bowl
may be taken out and pinned in the front of the gown
or on the coat lapel.

Noiseless and Deliberate Eating

TO eat slowly and quietly is an evidence of respect
for one's health and personal dignity. Only
the underbred or uneducated bolt their food, strike
their spoon, fork or glass rim against their teeth, suck
up a liquid from a spoon, clash knives and forks
against their plates, scrape the bottom of a cup, plate
or glass in hungry pursuit of a last morsel, and masti-
cate with the mouth open, pat the top of a pepper pot
to force out the contents and drum on a knife-blade in
order to distribute salt on meat or vegetables.

Conversation and small mouthfuls are aids to di-
gestion and it is a useless and ugly exertion to smack
the lips together when chewing.

Individual salt-cellars are not commonly used to-
day. A well-arranged dinner, breakfast or luncheon
table is provided instead with two or more large stands
filled with salt. A helping from one of these
should be taken with the small salt-spoon and placed

112 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

on the edge of the plate and not upon the cloth beside
the plate. To thrust one's knife-point into the large
salt-dish is vulgar in the extreme. When distributing
salt upon food it is not necessary to take a pinch be-
tween thumb and forefinger : a little taken up on the
knife's point, or whatever will adhere to the fork prongs,
is enough to savor the whole of any helping of food
on the plate.

A last and elusive morsel of food should never be
pursued about a plate and finally pushed upon the fork
by the assisting touch of a finger. A bit of bread may
be utilized for this purpose or, better still, the knife, if
it is at hand.

A mouthful of meat, vegetable or dessert should
never be taken up by fork or spoon and held in mid-
air while conversation is carried on. As soon as food is
lifted from the plate it should be put into the mouth.

Accidents at Table

MISHAl^S will overtake the best regulated diner,
who, however, when anything flies from the
plate or lap to the floor, should allow the servant to pick
it up. Should grease or jelly drop from the fork to
one's person, then to remove the deposit with the nap-
kin corner is the only remedy.

How often, oh how often! does the apparently
well-conducted man or woman, when such an accident
befalls, gravely wipe his or her knife on a bit of bread
or the plate's edge and heedfuUy scrape away at the
oflfending morsel. This is decidedly the wrong way
to do it, just as it is an egregious error thoughtfully to
scrape up a bit of butter or fragment of fowl from the
tablecloth where it has fallen beside the plate. At

Five] Cable jWlannetg ^^

the femily board t)iis is well enough, but to do so at
a restaurant or a friend's table is wholly unnecessary.

If an ill -starred individual overturns a full wine or
water glass at a dinner table, profuse apologies are out
of place. To give the hostess an appealing glance
and say: Pray forgive me^ I am very awkward^ or,
/ must apologize for my stupidity^ this is quite unfor-
giveabUy I fear^ is enough.

Should a cup, glass or dish be broken through
carelessness, then a quick, quiet apology can be made
and within a few days sincere repentance indicated by
forwarding the hostess, if possible, a duplicate of the
broken article and a contrite little note.

A serious and unpleasant accident is that of taking
into the mouth halt done, burning hot, or tainted
foods and the one course to pursue is quickly and
quietly to eject the fearful morsel on the fork or
spoon, whence it can quietly be laid on the plate, or
into a corner of the napkin. This can be so deftly
accomplished that none need suspect the state of affairs
and the napkin folded over and held in the lap
throughout the meal.

Foods Eaten With the Fingers

AT luncheon, breakfast, high tea, or supper, a
small plate and silver knife lie beside the larger
plate and on this the breads offered niust be laid — not
on the cloth, and the small silver knife — not the large
steel-bladed ones — used for spreading the butter. At
dinners, the roll in the napkin is taken out and laid on
the cloth at the right beside the plate. Never bite off
mouthfuls of bread from a large piece nor cut it up :
break it as needed in pieces the size of a mouthful.

114 Rn cyclopedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

spread on a bit of butter^ if that is provided, and so
transfer with the fingers to the mouth.

Crackers are eaten in the same way. Celery,
radishes, olives, salted nuts, crystallized fruits, bonbons,
all raw fruits (save berries, melons and grape fruit),
artichokes and corn on the cob, are finger foods, so to
speak.

Cake is eaten after the manner in which bread is
disposed of, or with a fork.

Peaches are quartered, the quarters peeled, then
cut in mouthfuls and these bits transferred with the
fingers to the lips. Apples, pears and nectarines are
similarly treated. Plums, grapes, etc., if small enough,
are eaten one by one and when the pits are ejected they
are dropped from the lips directly into the half closed
hand and so transferred to the plate.

Burr artichokes are broken apart leaf by leaf, the
tips dipped in sauce and lifted to the mouth. The
heart is cut and eaten with a fork.

Cheese is cut in bits, placed on morsels of bread or
biscuit and lifted in the fingers to the lips.

Oranges, like green corn on the cob, are hardly
susceptible of graceful treatment. An orange may be
cut into four pieces; the skin then easily drawn off, the
seeds pressed out, and each quarter severed twice, forms
a suitable mouthful. Deliberately to peel and devour
an orange, slice by slice, is a prolonged and ungraceful
performance.

Is it necessary to reiterate the warning of all writers
and teachers on this subject, that chicken, game and
chop bones may under no circumstances be taken up in
the fingers ? Whoever is so unskilful as to fail to cut
the larger part of the meat from chop and fowl bones

Five] Cable iEanners "s

must sufFer from their inadeptness and forego the
enjoyment of the tempting morsels.

Asparagus is not taken up in the fingers. All that
is edible of the stalk can be cut from it with a fork, and
the sight of lengths of this vegetable, dripping with
sauce and hoisted to drop into the open mouth, is not
in keeping with decent behavior at tne modern dinner
table.

The Second Helping

AT a large and formal dinner party, elaborate
luncheon, or ceremonious breakfast, a guest, no
matter how intimately associated at the house where the
dinner is given, should not ask for a second helping to
any of the dishes. At a small dinner party, when a
guest is a rather intimate friend of host or hostess, the
request for a second helping to a dish is accepted by
the hostess as a compliment. At a formal feast,
neither host nor hostess should delay the progress of
the courses by asking anyone at their board to taste
again of a dish that has been passed, but at a small
dmner or a family dinner it displays hospitable solici -
tude for a hostess to invite her guest to take a second
helping. At a small dinner party she could do this by
directing the servant to again pass the dish to every one
at table, or, when herself helping an entree, salad or
dessert, request her guests to accept a second serving
of the dish before her. The host who carves does well
to offer a little more of the meat to those who he sees
have disposed of their first helping. To press a second
slice of meat or second spoonful of dessert upon a
guest who politely acknowledges that his or her appe-
tite is quite satisfied, is to exceed the bounds of civility.

ii6 Encyclopaedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

A guest is always privileged to ask for a second or
third glass of water at a dinner that is formal or in-
formal, and this must be done by making the request
quietly of the servant when next she approaches the
diner's chair. At a formal dinner the butler or maid
who pours the wine replenishes the glasses from time
to time ; toward the latter part of a dinner the cham-
pagne glasses are refilled as they may need it, and
a host or hostess should, when noting a cham-
pagne glass that has been emptied, in an undertone
order the servant to fill it again. This is the rule,
because guests at a large and ceremonious dinner never
ask for a second helping of wine. If a second glass of
wine is not desired, the guest need only say to the ser-
vant Noy thank yoUy or lift the right hand in an in-
conspicuous gesture of refusal. At an informal dinner
the host is privileged to invite a guest to help himself
to the wine that is on the table, and recommend certain
brands as particularly good. Again, a guest who is a
good friend of the host or hostess may help himself
without invitation from a decanter near at hand, but a
lady would never do this. She waits for a gentleman
beside her or for the servant to fill her glass.

At the Conclusion of a Meal

WHEN a meal is concluded it is most reprehen-
sible to push away the last plate used and
brush the crumbs on the cloth into little heaps. Leave
the last plate in its place, lift the napkin from the lap
and lay it on the table's edge, and rise slowly and
quietly, taking no precaution to push the chair back
into place, unless dining at home or informally at a
friend's house, where such is the rule. The ladies at a

Five] Cab le fija nntt^ "?

dinner or at the family table make the first motion to
leave the table ; a gentleman always stands aside to let a
woman precede him,and it is only courteous to wait until
everyone at a table has finished eating before hurrying
away. This rule is of course not observed at a boarding
house or small foreign hotel where all the members of a
promiscuous household gather at one long board, but
It should be scrupulously observed in a private house-
hold. In the latter circumstances when any diner or
breakfaster is obliged to leave the table before others
have finished, it is but polite to turn to the mother, or
whoever occupies the head of the board, and say, / teg
you will excuse me^ before rising and, Thank yoUy when
the permission is granted. None but the hopeless

Erovmcial and vulgarian uses a toothpick in public after
is or her meal.

.<.

Chapter SIX

iSalte

The Invitations

WHEN a hostess purposes to give a
ball, she issues her invitations some-
times as early as twenty days before
the date fixed upon, and never later
than ten days before. For a sum-
mer evening dance or half impromptu party, the guests
may be bidden on much shorter notice.

For large and elaborate balls, whether public or
private, and given at any season of the year, the invi-
tations are engraved on white letter sheets, or on large,
heavy, white Bristol board cards. Script or block let-
tering is preferred to fancy types. As a rule, the let-
ters R. s. V. p. are not placed on ball invitations,
especially when the entertainment is private ; yet some
hostesses of undoubted taste and judgment do still
continue to ask in this manner for an answer to their
offers of hospitality, and there are excellent arguments in
favor of the retention of this reminder of a social duty.
When for any reason engraved invitations are not
to be had, they may be wntten, in a clear hand, on
sheets of white or gray note paper, and worded exactly
like those that are engraved.

A written invitation is forwarded by post or mes-
senger, sealed, and under cover of one envelope. An
engraved invitation, if delivered by a messenger, is also

Balls;

119

sent under a sinele cover. If the same invitation is
posted, it is put into two envelopes ; the first bears the
name only of the person for whom it is intended and
is left unsealed; and the second is sealed and bears
the recipient's full name and address.

It is not necessary to say specifically in the invita-
tion that the entertainment is to be a ball, since the
object of the evening's gathering is indicated with
suflicient clearness by the word " dancing " in one cor-
ner of the sheet or card. The following are the forms
of invitation now most followed and best approved,
whether the invitations are engraved or written :

Mrs. Samuel Brown

Miss Brown

At Home

Widneidajy January the thirty-first

at ten o'clock
Dancing 5 Fern Terrace

Cotillon after twelve 0^ clock.

or this

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

request the pleasure of your company

on Friday evening, January the third

at half after nine o'clock.
Dancing
R, i, V, p, Blythwood.

Not infrequendy at the foot of an at home card
are placed the words " dancing at eleven," and this

120 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

means that the guests are expected at nine or half past,
or whatever hour the invitation specifies, but some
special program of music or the like will occupy the
evening until eleven, after which time there will be
dancing for such of the company as desire it.

When the cotillon alone is to fill an entire evening,
the following form is gracefully used:

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

request the pleasure of

company on Monday evenings March the first

at ten o* clock

Twenty Green Park^ West
Cotillon.

For a dinner dance— not an uncommon function
in society — the hostess issues two different sets of in-
vitations; one to the eight, twelve or twenty-four per-
sons whom she wishes first to entertain at dinner, and
these would be her regular engraved dinner cards with
the words dancing at eleven written in the lower left-
hand corner ; and one to those whom she wishes to
ask in for the dancing only, and these would be her
regular at home cards with dancing at eleven written
in the lower left-hand corner. Or for less formality,
she uses in place of the latter, the ordinary joint visit-
ing card ot herself and husband or of herself and
daughter, and writes in the lower left-hand corner :

Dancing at ten^thirty
January the eleventh

X. #• v« /.

Six] 3Ball0

121

This last — the joint visiting card, with the day and
date of the proposed entertainment inscribed with pen
and ink in one corner — is a very popular form of invita-
tion with hostesses who are fond of giving small and
informal dancing parties in town or in the country, and
it has in a degree usurped the place of the written in-
vitation in the third person and also of the little note
inviting a few young men and young women in to
dance and partake ot very simple refreshment.

Invitations for Debut Ball

WHEN a ball is to be the occasion of introducing
a young lady into society, either the first or the
second of the forms given above may be appropriately
used. If the second is adopted, then a calling card of
the young lady who is to receive her introduction is
enclosed with each invitation. Another form of in-
vitation sometimes adopted when presenting a de-
butante is this:

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

request the pleasure
of introducing their daughter

Annie Folwill
to

on Friday evening^ January the third
at half afier nim o* clock

Blytlnvood.

Ill Encyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

Costume Balls

IN case the ball is one at which special costumes are
to be worn, the invitations should take some
such form as the following:

Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

request the pleasure of

company on Thursday evenings November the first

at ten o'clock

Bal Poudre 20 Green Parky West.

or this
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher King

At Home

Thursday evenings November the first

at ten o'clock

20 Green Parky West
Costume of the XVIIIth Century.

Invitations for Subscription Balls

FOR subscription balls held in hotel drawing-
rooms an acceptable form of invitation is this —
engraved in script upon a large white letter sheet:

Six] Ball0

TTitf pleasure of

123

company is requested at the

First Assembly
at The Hotel Royal
on Wednesday evenings December the fifth
from nine until two 0^ clock.

Patronesses
Mrs. Fremont Mrs. Rolands

Mrs. fVilson Mrs. Zachary

Invitations like this, with " vouchers," are issued in
numbers agreed upon to the several subscribers and
patronesses, who in turn distribute them among the
limited number of friends to whom it is their privilege
to extend the hospitalities of the occasion. The
^' vouchers ** are small additional cards designed as safe-
guards against the intrusion of persons not really in-
vited and also against the sometimes rather reckless hos-
pitality of over-generous subscribers, who, unless held in
bounds, will presume to invite a larger number of their
friends than the compact of the association allows.

The " vouchers " frequently take this form :

First Assembly

GentlemerCs Voucher

Admit

on Wednesday evening^ December the fifth
Compliments of

124 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

First Assembly

Ladies^ Voucher

Admit

on Wednesday evenings December the fifth
Compliments of

In finally bestowing the invitations, the individual
subscriber encloses with the invitation and the accom-
panying voucher his own visiting card. Sometimes the
use of the voucher is ob\dated by sending out a large
card worded as follows :

T^be Second Cotillion

The pleasure of your company is requested

on Monday evening^ April the eighth

at nine o* clock

The Glee Club Rooms

Leroy Avenue
Please present this card at the door.

Sometimes for a subscription ball, instead of invi-
tations distributed by individual subscribers, a com-
mittee or board of directors make up a list of the
guests whose company is desired and send to them on
a large card or letter sheet an invitation in the follow-
ing form :

Six] Balls

125

The pleasure of

company is requested at

The Bachelors' Ball

at Peabody Hall

on Monday evenings March the fourth

at eleven 0^ clock

K, i. V. p. 10
The Committee Bachelors* Ball
Somerset Club
Tivet've West Boule*vard

If engraved on a letter sheet, the invitation appears
on the first outer face, and then, in two or three lines
on the second inner face the names of the gentlemen
who give the ball are listed.

When the engraving is done on a large square card,
the names of the hosts of the occasion are listed on the
reverse of the card or on a second equally large and
heavy Bristol board square.

Invitations to Public Balls

IN the event of a public ball given for no other
purpose than the entertainment of the friends of
the hospitable association concerned, the invitations
will be fittingly cast in the following form :

126 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Hie honor of your company
is requested at the

Hunt Ball

to be given at the Manor House

on Tuesday y November the eleventh

at nine o'clock

The Red Rock Hunt Qub

If the invitation is engraved on letter sheets, under
the invitation proper may follow first a list of ladies
who will receive the guests and then the names of the
gentlemen forming the floor committee.

For the public ball, to which admission is gained
only by the presentation of purchaseable tickets, the
invitations are engraved on very large letter sheets or
extensive cards ; and though varied are the phrases in
which the festivity may be advertised the example below
illustrates a simple and frequently employed form ;

i860 1900

The pleasure of your company is
requested at the

Annual Charity Ball

To be given at the Park Hotel on

Wednesday evening

fanuary the fourth ^ at nine o'clock
Cards of admission Tnvo Dollars
Oh sale at the
Park Hotel and homes of the Patronesses

Six] BSallfii

127

Below the invitation and on the same page with it,
or on the second inside page, are usually given the
names and addresses of the ladies who volunteer to sell
the tickets, followed by the names of the directors and
committees upon whom rests the management of the
entertainment.

Duties of a Hostess

IN &shionable society a ball is an elaborate evening
function exclusively for the enjoyment of dancing.
A party is either a dance beginning rather earlier in the
evening than a ball and concluding not long after mid-
night, and requiring less formality of demeanor and
less elegance of dress and a very simple supper; or
a dinner occupies the fore part of an evening, fol-
lowed by dancmg that continues only until midnight.

A hostess, in sending out invitations for a ball,
should carefully consider what dancing space she will
have at her disposal, whether the ehtertamment is to
be given in her own house or in a hotel suite rented
for the occasion. To crowd a small, narrow, ill-venti-
lated drawing-room with dancers is a grievous mistake,
for in such circumstances the guests can find no enjoy-
ment in the chief amusement of the evening, and the
hostess herself will suffer the humiliating disappoint-
ment of having had her trouble for her pains and
pleased nobody in her hospitable endeavor. Too
often a well-meaning lady commits this same un-
fortunate error through fear of offending some of her
friends, who, she is confident, expect an invitation to
her house, and will doubtless feel themselves sorely in-
jured if their claims upon her are ignored. It is, now-
evcr, better to be misunderstood by a few over-sensitive

128 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

souls than to incommode everybody concerned. One
way out of a predicament of this nature is to hire a
couple of ample salons in a hotel or other public build-
ing and transform them for the occasion into handsome,
comfortable, private ball-rooms. In the fashion-
able society of London and New York this course is
adopted by hostesses of the most exalted position, in
spite of the fact that it is regarded with less favor
by continental Europeans. And in splendor and dig-
nity no house balls can exceed some of the famously
beautiful and successful entertainments given at Del-
monico's and the Waldorf-Astoria on Fifth Avenue,
and at the Hotel Cecil on the Thames Embankment.
But when for any reason this course is not open, and a
hostess is confronted with the problem of entertaining
a circle of acquaintances clearly beyond the capacity of
her own small parlors, she will make no mistake in
dividing her efforts. Two small dances will please
better than one unpleasant crush. It is impossible to
give advice as to who, in such a case, should be in-
vited to the first of the two ; but it may be said that
no hostess should venture at all on so difficult a task
as that of giving a ball unless she can count on the
acceptance of her invitations by a quota of dancing
men sufficient for her list of young women, which is at
least nine men to eight women.

Whether a ball is given in the hostess' own house
or in a suite of rooms rented by her for the occasion,
the especial requisites for the comfort and pleasure of
the guests may be enumerated as follows : an awning
and carpet extending from street to door if possible,
this, though, only in the event of a very fashionable
ball in a city ; ventilation so arranged that the tempera-

Six] Balls

129

ture of halls, ball-room and dining-room will not rise
above seventy-eight degrees or fall hr below seventy
degrees ; lights sufficient, but not glaring, that jut from
the walls or hang from the ceiling ; and, finally, a level,
easy floor.

Chaperons and Chaperonage

ONE knotty point, too frequently left heedlessly
unsolved by the giver or a dance, concerns the
issuing of invitations to the parents of young ladies.
Now, the hostess has always the right to regard herself
as the accredited chaperon of any unmarried woman
guest ; and the conclusion generally arrived at is that
the mothers of grown-up daughters are hardly likely to
desire invitations to dances, or to look forward with
pleasure to a long evening spent sitting bolt upright
m their chairs against the wall of an over-heated ball-
room. In consequence, the American hostess ignores
the mother of the young girl whom she bids to a dance
at her house ; and this is not a reprehensible conclusion
when the festivity proposed is a small and early affair,
given in the hostess' own drawing-room. She can
reel assured that the young ladies invited will enjoy
her own careful chaperonage, and to line a drawing-
room, on the occasion ofa Cinderella or half impromptu
aflfkir, with sober-sided, yawning, elderly ladies is to
promote nobody's welfare or pleasure.

The circumstance of a very large ball, given in a
hotel suite, alters the case, however, and especially if
the ball takes place in a city and a debutante is asked.
.it would be most indiscreet then not to invite her
mother. When two daughters from a family are asked
to such a ball, it is still necessary to invite the mother ;

130 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

and in New York, Philadelphia and other large cities,
the hostess whose social conduct is regulated by the
most careful etiquette, invariably asks the mothers,
leaving it to those ladies to accept or not as they choose.
As a rule a mother whose dancmg days are over, either
regrets for herself in answer to the invitation and sends
her daughter to the ball under the care of a maid ser-
vant, or else she accompanies her daughter to the fes-
tive scene, remains for a while looking on and then
leaves early in the evening, after recommending her
child to the care of the hostess or some one of the
chaperons who intends to sit the revelries out. Thus
the hostess has performed her courteous duty and at
the same time escapes the danger of having her rooms
over-crowded by elderly ladies, who occupy a chair but
no visibly important or interesting mission.

Inviting Strangers

HERE a word may be appropriately said apropos
of the requests a hostess frequently receives
from friends for invitations to strangers ; that is, invi-
tations for friends of her friends. There is no reason,
save her own good nature, why she should extend her
list of guests. If it is contrary to her pleasure or con-
venience to do so, she can gracefully excuse herself to
the petitioners, on the plea that her list is already made
up or that the size of her rooms will not permit her to
add another person to the number expected. If the
privilege of bringing an extra guest is preferred verbally,
she can readily say, / am so sorry y hui not one of my
invitations has so far been declined^ and having already
exceeded the bounds of comfortable accommodation in my
housCy I do not feel that it would be a compliment y nor quite

Six] Ballfi

131

fair to those already invited^ to add another guest. On
the other hand, permission may be accorded thus —
By all means. I shall be very glad to see your friend.
All my engraved invitations have been posted; but I will
leave my cards on your guest to-morrow j and I hope she
will overlook the short notice and a verbal invitation and
come with you.

If the request is made in writing, an answer, in either
the negative or affirmative, may be written in some-
what the form of one or other of the following :

Greenfields^

June ist^ ig — .
Dear Miss Mathews:

By all means bring Miss Tuckerman with you on the tenth ;
we shall be delighted to see her. My engraved cards have quite
given outy else I would send her one in due form. Mary^ how-
ever y will call at once and repeat my invitation.

Cordially yours ^

Mary Moore.

J 6 Port man Street^

January 22nd^ 7p — ,
Dear Miss Wharton:

It would give me great pleasure to include your friends among
my guests for the fourth ^ hut I fear that as it is my rooms will be
sadly over-crowded^ so universal have been the acceptances to our
invitations.

Tou will therefore forgive my refusal to respond more hosph
tably to your request.

Sincerely yours^

Celestine R. IFiUis.

132 Kncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chaptci

It would be difficult, almost impossible, for the
giver of a ball to refuse a petition for an invitation for
a near relative or the betrothed of the person making
the request. But almost in any other circumstance a
refusal may be made readily and without embarrass-
ment.

Where a matron is a newcomer in her neighbor-
hood, or for any other reason is not widely known
there, and yet is desirous, say, for the sake of young
daughters or in order to honor a friend who is stopping
at her house, to give a ball, one way of securing guests
is legitimately open to her. This is a visiting list
loaned by a friend who possesses a wide and powerful
acquaintance in the neighborhood and is ready to stand
sponsor for the entertainment. When an arrangement
of this nature is entered into, the hostess prepares her
invitations according to any one of the modes given in
the beginning of this chapter, and posts, in the envel-
ope of each invitation a visiting card of her influential
friend. By this the recipients of the invitations un-
derstand that the person whose card is enclosed
is introducing the giver of the ball. The lady, who
thus lends her visiting list and countenance to further
a friend's social aims, is unfailingly asked to assist in
receiving on the occasion of the ball, and, standing at
the side of the hostess, introduces the guests as they
enter.

The Ball Room Floor

A WELL- LAID polished hardwood floor is the
most delightful surface for gliding feet; and
paraffine wax, or even a sprinkling of corn meal, will
give an admirable smoothness, if the wood seems

Six] Ballfii

133

sticky or hard. An uneven plank floor, with wide
cracks, or one covered with matting or carpet, is the
most diflicult in the world for modern dancmg, and it
behooves the hostess of a festive occasion to do every-
thing in her power to remedy any such defects. The best
and easiest way to secure a level, easy dancing surface
without removing carpets or going to any unnecessary
expense, is to lay either on the bare floor, or over the
Japanese matting, or deep-piled Wilton, or whatever
covering it may commonly wear, a thickness of heavy
upholsterer's paper, and on this stretch a covering of
the heaviest unbleached cotton cloth. If the cover is
laid on a Brussels or ingrain carpet, one layer of the
cotton cloth, without any paper, will be quite sufllicient
to insure a good surface. The cloth must be drawn
perfectly smooth. For this use, the cotton cloth is
superior to the old-fashioned linen drugget.

Seats in a ball-room should be placed close against
the walls, and there should be an abundance of chairs
in the halls and other rooms, preferably light folding-
chairs, which the guests can place as they please.

Decorations of flowers and greenery, of course, add
to the beauty of such an entertainment, but they are
not absolutely requisite.

Music

THE music may be whatever the hostess herself
prefers or is best able to provide. For a small
dance a piano often sufllices ; but if it is accompanied
by a harp and two violins, or by a banjo and guitar, a
better effect is secured. At handsome and fashionable
balls a full-stringed orchestra is employed; and usually
it is placed behind palms in a hallway, whence the

134 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

music is clearly heard^ but where the musicians are
not seen.

Programmes

DANCE programmes are still very much in vogue
for large entertainments ; and either a card with
gilt edges, or a small sheet of bristol board folded once,
is provided, and also a small pencil, attached to the
card or sheet by a silk cord or ribbon. They either
are placed in the dressing-rooms convenient for the
guests to help themselves, or are offered by a servant
from a silver tray as the guests enter the ball-room.

The Dressing Rooms

CLOAK-ROOMS or dressing-rooms are necessary
conveniences for both men and women at
dances, large or small. A maid servant, in waiting in
the room set aside for the use of the ladies, renders
effectual aid in relieving them of wraps and assisting in
any renovations of the toilet. When one of the family
bed-rooms is utilized for this purpose, the dressing-
table should be completely furnished, adequate lights
supplied, with smelling-salts at hand and a work basket
within reach for a possible timely stitch. When the roll
of guests runs as high as a hundred, numbered checks
for identifying wraps will simplify matters greatly.

In the cloak-room for the men, which should be
no less well-equipped, cigars, brandy, and sparkling
waters are sometimes served by a generous host, and
sometimes there is a separate smoking-room set aside
for the use of the masculine guests. Many wise host-
esses, though, regard these latter provisions as tending
too much to withdraw and detain the men from her

Six] ^Ballfii

135

dancing-saloti ; and, therefore, by them only the spark-
ling waters are provided, and the young gentlemen are
left to furnish their own tobacco.

Servants

FOR a ball in the city, a man servant, in a carriage
groom's livery, is stationed at the entrance of the
canvas-covered way before the house. His office is to
open carriage doors and give numbered checks to the
guests as they arrive and to their coachmen for the
identification of carriages ; and when the ball is over, to
summon the carriages by their respective numbers and
assist the guests into them. Stationed inside the hall
door is a second man, in butler's evening livery, whose
duty it is not only to admit the guests, but to direct
the gentlemen and ladies to their respective dressing-
rooms. But for less pretentious affairs, than those
given in our large cities in the height of the season, an
awnine and a man on duty on the side walk are not
essential ; and a maid servant in a black gown, white
apron, and white cap can adequately serve at the hall-
door.

At a ball it is optional with the hostess whether or
not her guests shall be announced, as at an afternoon
reception. As a rule this formality is dispensed with.

The Buffet Supper

VERY few hostesses, in this day and generation, are
willing or able to cope with the task of serving
any but a buffet supper when giving a ball. For the
service of such a supper the dining-room is brilliantly
lighted, the chairs are arranged agaiast the wall, and
the table is adorned with flowers and laden with baskets

136 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

of cakes and sandwiches, trays of bonbons, platters of
fruit, moulds of jellied meats, and dishes of meat
salads. On the sideboard, fringed napkins, forks,
knives, cups and saucers, plates and glasses are placed
in abundance. Then, at eleven or twelve o'clock, the
doors of the dining-room are opened without announce-
ment and the guests go in and out as they please,
choosing whatever refreshments they wish. Although
the gentlemen aid in supplying the wants of the ladies,
three or four maids or men servants must be in attend-
ance, to serve from the pantry any special dishes that
may have been prepared and to see that the needs of
no guest are neglected. For a ball given in winter
divers hot dishes are customary, such as creamed oysters
with warm finger-rolls ; some preparation of lobster — a
la Newburg, or in the form of breaded chops ; tim-
bales of meat or fish; terrapin, chicken croquettes,
minced meat and fi&h or mushrooms in pastry shells.
As a rule, it is all sufficient at a ball if the menu con-
sists of one hot dish, a salad, ices, sandwiches and rolls,
fruit, bonbons, hot coffee or chocolate, and punch. A
hungry guest can honor every course or taste but one
dainty, and the warm food, ices and coffee are ordinarily
served in the pantry, and then, set on large trays, are
carried about the dining-room by serving men or maids,
who offer them to the guests as they enter the room,
along with the proper accompaniment of napkins, forks,
spoons, etc.

In the cities where there are accomplished caterers,
a member of society, who purposes to give a ball,
merely indicates, to the head of the establishment she
patronizes, the number of guests expected, gives him a
general outline of what she would like to have served.

Six] Balls

137

and entrusts the whole matter to him. He supplies
all the extra dishes and servants needed, and prepares
the refreshments according to the instructions given
him ; and a head butler sees that the service in the
dining-room is prompt and adequate. The caterer also
suppheS) if desired, a number of folding canvas chairs
for the use of the guests, who are left to satisfy the
cravings of hunger by eating as they stand, or by find-
ing seats and using their knees as impromptu tables.
Throughout the evening a table, placed conspicuously
somewhere near the drawing-room, supports a bowl of
iced punch or lemonade and a tray of small glasses
with handles. At the punch-bowl a servant is stationed
to serve the thirsty dancers and to see that the supply
of clean glasses is always equal to the demand. In ad-
dition to the punch, not infrequently champagne is
poured in the dining-room, a skilful man servant giv-
mg his attention to the proper icing of the wine in the
pantry, to opening the bottles, and filling and passing
a tray loaded with brimming glasses of the sparkling
wine.

For a dance in the country or in a small town,
where the assistance of a caterer is unattainable or not
desired, the buffet supper is still the easiest means of
serving a number of guests, and a hostess, with one or
two capable maid servants, is equal to the demands apt
to be made upon her hospitality. She can place her
bowl of mild iced punch or lemonade on a table in the
hall, leaving the guests to help themselves, and only
taking care that a servant at intervals clears away the
glasses that have been used and replaces theni with
fresh ones. The dining-room should be arranged as
directed in the preceding paragraph. For a dance in

138 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

summer in the country hot dishes are hardly necessary
or acceptable. The cakes, salads, fruits, bonbons, plates,
knives and forks, etc., are most conveniently set forth
on the dining-table and sideboard. Coffee, kept hot
by a spirit lamp, can be served from a side table by
one serving maid, while another brings in from the

Eantry cups of iced bouillon and saucers of ices, and
ands them to the guests, who either stand or are
seated about the room. Thus two clever maids will
easily manage the serving of the entire supper.

Supper at Tables

NOW and then, at balls of great splendor, a more
difficult and ceremonious method of serving
the refreshing delicacies is followed. If the ball is a
particularly luxurious affair, there may be served an
elaborate meal at midnight ; but, besides, from the mo-
ment the dancing begins until the end of the evening,
in some small room or corner of the hall or library,
not only are punch and lemonade prepared and
poured, but tea, coffee, chocolate, and hot bouillon are
kept at a torrid temperature, and offered to those
who wish cups of the savory liquids, along with
small cakes and very delicate sandwiches. Many
guests will patronize such a tiny buffet in prefer-
ence to the heavy and lengthy feast. This is served
at twelve or half^ past by a corps of servants, who,
at a signal from the hostess, quickly set out a num-
ber of small tables through the ball-room, dining-
room, and even in the hallway, at each of which at
least four persons can be seated. The supper is served
in courses, and usually includes, according to the sea-
son, clear soup or jellied consomme with rolls, terra-

Six] Balls

139

pin or lobster, game, a hot delicacy in pastry shells,
jellied meats, salads, several varieties 01 sandwiches,
ices, and coffee. Red wine and champagne are poured,
and while the guests are being served the orchestra
discourses appropriate music. A very large house and
a very capable caterer are essential to successfully set
forth such a supper, for directly the meal is at an
end, the tables and chairs and dishes must be cleared
out of sound, as well as out of sight. When a ball is
given in an extensive suite at a hotel, the refreshment
may be well served in a spacious dining-hall in this
elaborate way, the small tables being previously ar-
ranged with individual lights, flowers, etc., and tubs of
palms being disposed picturesquely about the room.

How the Hostess Receives

IN the city, in the winter season, few large balls
begin before half-past ten or eleven o'clock. In
summer and in the country, or in neighborhoods
where the social demands are not so severe that late
dinners and opera or theatre parties and balls crowd into
one evening, a hostess can, as a rule, expect her guests
to present themselves at nine or half-past nine. At the
proper hour she must be ready in her drawing-room to
receive the earliest arrivals and remain near the door to
greet the tardiest. If she is the mother of daughters
in society, these young ladies will assist her in receiving
until the dancing begins ; but this is not really neces-
sary. Now and then a matron is supported in her
task of greeting the guests by her husband ; but if he
shirks this duty, and she has no daughters tcr assist her,
she can ask the aid of a woman friend or two, and it is
required of her to introduce the ladies beside her to all

140 Encyclopaedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

those who enter the ball-room. As the arrivals present
themselves before her, her duty is to give a cordial
greeting in words and extend her right hand in wel-
come, whether the guest is a man or woman, a friend,
or a stranger introduced by a friend.

Properly, the music begins a little before the first
carriage draws up at the door, and the dancing shortly
after. When the hostess wishes to dance she defers
this pleasure until late in the evening, or until she is
sure nearly every one expected has arrived. Under
special conditions, as where her mother or her sister
receives with her, she may dance earlier and then
return to her post to finish receiving.

Some Paramount Obligations

IF the hostess is one whose dancing days are over
she devotes herself throughout the evening to en-
tertaining the older folk and chaperons who are present,
and is ever mindful of the needs of shy young men
and incipient wall-flowers. A woman who realizes her
authority and privileges as a hostess does not permit
any of her guests to sit neglected and alone. If she
has daughters, a husband, or a son to further her ad-
mirable aims, there need be no groups of idle young
men in her doorways, and no humiliated damsels sit-
ting in forlorn isolation against the wall. It is within
her province, as mistress of the mansion, to ask a
young man to dance with a partnerless girl and to
beg a belle to divide some of her smiles and dances
with a masculine stranger. And while she provides
pleasures for the neglected, she may play the part of
rescuing angel to the helpless man or woman who has
not the courage or the skill to escape from the

Six] BSallfii

141

clutches of some tedious companion. When some
such unfortunate mismating has endured over long
the tactful matron is perfectly able to effect a release,
by bringing up a third person for an introduction to
the lady concerned, and then carrying off the restless
or the too-attentive young man for presentation at the
shrine of a goddess more interesting or one more
long-suffering.

Many a hostess, indeed, contents her conscience
by providing an excellent supper, extending a hearty
welcome, and then subsiding into pleasant chat in the
chaperons' corner. If she has young daughters and
sons present, they are left to follow their own selfish
inclinations in the search for pleasure. In conse-
quence, many of her guests taste but meagrely of the
joys of the occasion. A keen-eyed and conscientious
hostess, especially if aided by clever and kindly sons
and daughters, can, by a little deft manoeuvering and
altruism succeed in providing even the shyest, dullest,
least attractive man or woman under her roof with a
full share of the pleasures of the evening.

This end is in a large measure accomplished by
making frequent introductions, according to the rule
set forth for hostesses in the chapter on the forms and
ceremonies of presentations. In event of a truly diffi-
cult subject the hostess can herself make a personal
effort by sitting beside the wall flower, drawing her into
conversation, and, with artful kindness, collecting her
own coterie about her, thus robbing the poor girl's
situation of any aspect of chilly isolation. W here the
hostess makes her throne, there a quota of her guests
will always halt or gather ; and with no apparent effort
to impress the young men into service, she can, by in-

142 Rncyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

troductions and conversation, bring out any powers or
charms her protegee possesses, and by a timely word or
suggestion, ensnare disengaged young men for the girl
under her wing.

Among her multifarious duties, a hostess has that
also of exercising her authority as a chaperon whenever
this is necessary. Again, if a supper is served at tables,
her attention must not be relinquished until she is sure
that all her guests are enjoying equally comfortable and
sufficient accommodation and service. At the con-
clusion of the ball, while she does not formally take
a place beside the door in order to see and bid farewell
to the retiring guests, yet she does stand where every
one can conveniently see and speak with her. When
formal adieux are made, she offers her hand, but she
does not accompany any one even as far as the ball-
room door.

The Cotillon or German

FOR a cotillon the ball-room should be arranged
as already described in the case of a ball proper,
and this whether the German is to be danced through-
out the evening, or only a few figures are to be
gone through after the first hours have been devoted
to general dancing. For the German, however, there
must be a supply of chairs equal to the number of
guests who are to dance. These should be ranged against
two or four sides of the ball-room, and they ought to
be nearly of a size and carefully numbered in couples.
The numbering can be by cards attached to the backs
or arms.

The hostess writes down beforehand on slips
of paper duplicates of the numbers on the chairs.

Six] ^Ballfii

puts them in a basket, and as guests arrive re-
quests the men to draw a slip from the basket and
learn the location of their own and their partner's
seats. Programme cards are not provided where the
German alone is to be danced ; but in all other re-
spects the hostess makes preparation for her guests,
receives them, serves them refreshment and has regard
for their individual comfort and pleasure, just as in the
case of a ball, which has been already fully treated of.
If not dancing herself, she is present in the ball-room
as the figures progress, perhaps presiding at one of the
favor tables. As at a ball, introductions are incumbent
on her. At the end of the evening she takes her
stand by the door, with the leader of the German on
her left, and so accepts the farewells and thanks of all
her guests as they depart.

In sending out invitations for a cotillon every effort
should be made to secure an even number of men and
women. In case this is impossible, a preponderance of
masculine guests is better than too great a number of
women. Here, even more than in the case of a ball,
the giver of the entertainment ought to be careful not
to overcrowd her ball-room.

Choosing the Leader

IT is the hostess' prerogative to choose the leader of
her cotillon, and for this position she should select
a gentleman who knows thoroughly what the duties
of such a position are. If he is a clever and practiced
leader, the hostess will ask whether he prefers to dance
alone or with a partner, and will accept his decision.
Should he be willing to go through the cotillon with
a partner, she may in all propriety offer to dance with

144 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

him herself, or may ask him to lead with her daughter,
or perhaps with a woman friend who is visiting her.
In case there is no woman she cares to propose as his
partner, she lets him make his own decision. To him
also should be left entirely the selection of the figures
and the order of dancing them ; and he should be pro-
vided with a bell or whistle, for use in signalling the
dancers. The hostess herself decides whether there
are to be favors or not ; but in purchasing them and the
properties she consults the leader.

The Favors

FAVORS are not a necessity, and very pretty Ger-
mans are danced without them. It is the
custom, however, to provide them for at least a third
of the figures, and they may be as simple or expensive
as the purchaser desires. Favors of especial elegance or
value for one or two selected figures are never a wise
provision. They are apt to be more or less coveted
tor themselves, and since only a few can receive them,
the leader is embarrassed to decide whom he shall
call up, while irresistible heartburnings and little
jealousies follow those lucky few to whose lot they do
fall.

In providing favors, it is as the hostess pleases,
whether they shall be chosen with special regard to
what is appropriate for the men and what for the
women dancers. For convenience sake, they are
usually arranged on two tables at one end of the ball-
room, the men's favors on one and the women's on
the other, and each table is presided over by an
amiable chaperon. At one the hostess herself usually
is seated, if she is not dancing.

Six] Ballg 145

Debutante Dances

AT her coming out dance, a debutante always
receives standing beside her mother. If she
receives with both her parents, then the mother stands
nearest the door, the young girl beside her, and the
father at his daughter's left. It is the pretty and com-
mendable custom nowadays for a damsel when making
her debut, to ask two or three or even five of her young
girl friends to stand beside her for the first half-hour or
hour as the guests arrive. The mistress of the mansion
takes her natural position by the main door of the
drawing-room or dancing-salon ; her daughter robed in
diaphanous white, her hands full of flowers, at her left ;
and her assistants, carrying bouquets, in a group
beside the happy girl in whose honor the festivity is
held.

As the guests enter, the mother introduces her
daughter to any who do not already enjoy the young
lady's acquaintance, and she in turn is privileged to
introduce her assisting friends, if she pleases. Unless
the debutante is cumbered with too many floral offer-
ings, she offers her right hand to all the guests, in
greeting or acknowledging introductions. In case her
hands are full of flowers, as not infrequently happens,
she bows and graciously expresses her thanks for the
compliments and congratulations extended to her.
When the dancing begins, the young lady duly honors
every number for which she is engaged ; but at the
end of each dance she returns to her mother's side at the
doorway, at least so long as there are guests still arriv-
ing. The young ladies assisting her, however, are
not required to do this ; but are free to scatter at the

146 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

first strains of the opening waltz and pursue their
pleasure undisturbed the evening through. At the
conclusion of the entertainment, the debutante, again
beside her mother, accepts the farewells of the guests.

Girl Hostesses

A DAUGHTER, unless it is her debut, does not, as
a rule, assist her mother in receiving at a ball or
cotillon. Nevertheless, she should never become so en-
grossed in her own amusement as to fail in cordially
greeting every one some time in the course of the even-
mg, or to Ignore the claims upon her time and attention
made especially by the feminine guests under her roof.
Should a young lady, especially a shy debutante, or one
who seems to possess but a limited acquaintance, ap-
pear to lack for partners, the hostess' daughter must
be at pains to assist in relieving this guest's situation
and consequent embarrassment. On the other hand a
girl hostess is not privileged to consult only her
pleasure in filling out her dance card. Her favors
must be divided as equally as possible among the mascu-
line guests, though many, whose names she welcomes
with a smile upon her lips, are but inferior exponents of
the saltatory art or possess exceedingly limited con-
versational powers. To any woman guest she may
speak without introduction, on mentioning her name
with a friendly smile; and any strangers among the
men guests she is privileged to request her brother,
father, or some friend to bring up and present. If the
ball is given in honor of a young girl friend who is
visiting her, she is bound to take particular care that
this particular guest has a partner for every dance and
is taken in to supper.

Six] Balls

Duties of a Host

THOUGH the man of a house may be well past
his dancing days, if his name appears on the
invitations that his wife issues, he must recognize that
the guests under his roof are entitled to special con-
sideration and favor at his hands. Moreover, the
respect due his wife and daughters — if he has daugh-
ters — will require that he lend his countenance and
assistance in all their hospitable efforts.

There is no obligation on him to receive at his
wife's side ; but his privilege is to do so if he desires,
offering his hand and cordial greeting to the arriving
guests. If he is a good dancer, then his mission is
plainly sacrificial, for it must be his task to lead out
the least attended and least popular young ladies. If
he does not dance he can equally prove himself a man
of the proper metal by dividing his time and conver-
sation among the wall-flowers and chaperons.

Assuredly he is vested with the authority to help
neglected damsels by making an effort to secure
partners for them. And to this end, he is at liberty to
address himself to the young men and offer to intro-
duce them. A right-minded, tactful host never allows
guests to lounge in the doorways or gather in the cloak
room, as indolent or selfish young men are only too
apt to do ; and he sees to it that his hospitality is not
abused by the guests who retire to the smoking-room
for the enjoyment of cigars and brandy and soda.

If there is a formal supper served at tables, the host
gives his arm to the most important chaperon present,
and seats her on his right hand. In the case of a buffet
supper, he takes in one and another, from time to

148 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

time, and ministers to their needs. If the lady with
whom he is dancing or talking is about to leave and
has no escort at her command, he sees that her car-
riage is called, awaits her descent from the cloak room,
and accompanies her to the outer door. As the ball
ends he is apt to find the position of greatest useful-
ness for him i$ beside his wife, who will then be ac-
cepting the thanks and farewells of her guests. At a
country party given in the summer the host frequently
lingers at the end of the evening by the outer door, to
see that no lady gets into her carriage unaided.

The son of a house seconds the efforts of his par-
ents and sisters in contributing to the comfort and
pleasure of all the guests. He dances with as many of
the ladies as possible, and of any young lady who may
be visiting in the house or who may assist in receiv-
ing, he is especially careful to request a dance. From
his mother or sister he solicits introductions to those
ladies he does not know, and he refrains from devoting
attention to any one belle or beauty while less favored
damsels are ignored. If the supper is served from
a buffet, he accompanies and waits upon any of the
ladies who seem to be in need of his attendance to
and in the dining-room. It also falls to his part to
keep an eye on all young men unprovided with part-
ners for dances and introduce them where he thinks
it desirable. It is not absolutely necessary for him in
such a case first to ask a young lady whether she cares
to have possible partners presented; under his own
roof all guests, are on a plane of equality, as at a dinner
or wedding reception, but to make the inquiry is the
more courteous practice, especially when he has enjoyed
but a short acquaintance with the lady herself.

Six] 3Ballfi;

149

Answering of Ball Invitations

IT goes without saying that an invitation to a ball
that bears the letters R. s. v. p. requires an
answer ; and indeed the man or woman who observes
the letter of the law of etiquette responds promptly
with acceptance or regrets to every invitation for a
grand ball or small dance. To invitations couched in
the third person it is proper to reply within at least
forty-eight hours somewhat after the following
form:

/ Boswell Street^
December 20th^ ig — .

Mr. and Mrs. Edward 3". Fink

accept with pleasure

Mrs. and Mrs. Christopher King^s

kind invitation for Tuesday evening
January the third.

12 Remsen Street^
December 20th ^ ip — .

Mr. Horace Barry

regrets that absence /rom town
will prevent his acceptance of

Mr. and Mrs. King's

kind invitation /or Tuesday evening
January the third.

When the whole body of subscribers issue the in-
vitations to an assembly ball, the replies must be sent

ISO Encyciopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

to the address given on the card that requests the
pleasure of the recipient's company, and in form may
follow the models given above. Should a subscriber
to an assembly ball or cotillon club extend an invita-
tion to a non-subscribing friend, inclosing with the in-
vitation his or her own visiting card, the answer
should be to this subscriber individually and in some-
thing like one or other of the following forms :

12 Remsen Street^
November 2jdy ip — .
Afy dear Mrs, Carroll:

It gives me great pleasure to accept your invitation to the
First Assembly Ball on the evening of December the fifth ; with
the hope that I may see you thercy

Believe me sincerely yours^

Horace Barry.

^o Garden Place^
November 24thy /p — .
My dear Mrs. Carroll:

I return with great regret the cards for the first Assembly Bally
thinking you may wish to pass them on to some one more fortunate
than lam. While out riding last week I severely injured my knee
and the doctor gives me no hope that it will be sufficiently strong
for dancing on the fifth of next month. This is a grievous disap~
pointmenty for the Assembly Balls are always such brilliant and
successful affairs.

Believe me with many thanks sincerely yours^

Flora Dabney.

When an invitation to an informal country house
dance is in the form of a short friendly note, the reply
is made in the same manner. If the entertainment of
the evening is but signified in a few words in the lower

Six] jBalls;

151

corner of a visiting card, the answer must still be a
note, whether one of acceptance or regret.

Requesting an Invitation to a Ball

NO small amount of tact and discretion are needful
to the man or woman who, wishing to have a
guest or relative asked to an approaching ball, ventures
to request an extra invitation of the giver of the ball.
A hostess is often regarded as ungenerous and un-
gracious when she refuses to include certain stran-
gers in her company at the requests of friends ; yet it
may be that for excellent reasons she has been com-
pelled to exclude from the same company some even
of her own acquaintances. If a dance is given in a
small house and the giver of it is a mere acquaintance,
it is most improper to beg the hostess for an extra
card on behalf or some one in whom she has no inter-
est and who personally has no claim whatever on her
hospitality. On the other hand, when a large ball is
given in a spacious country house or large hotel suite,
or where the party is distinctly informal or half im-
promptu, a good friend of the hostess need feel no
diffidence in saying very frankly. My cousiriy a pretty
young girly will be stopping with me next week. I would
think it kind of you to give me a card for her to your
dance on the tenth. Or Inhere is a most agreeable young
man and a good dancer stopping with us just now. It
would be a great favor if you would let me bring him to
your party on Wednesday evening. Or Did you know that
the Rollmans will be visiting us next week ? If you are
not overcrowded^ could I ask for a card for them to
your dance on the tenth? They will appreciate the favor
as much as I do.

152 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

A note of rec^uest may be worded thus :

JO Riverview Heights^

January jth^ /p — .
My dear Aftss King :

If the invitation list for your ball on the tenth is not quite
filled^ might I have a card for Miss Dangerfieldy a pretty debu~
tante from Cleveland^ Ohio^ whose mother was a great friend of
mine.

I hope I am not trespassing too far on your kindness with this
request ; but you will not hesitate to refuse if you have already
secured a sufficient number of feminine guests.

Sincerely yours^

Mary L. Brown.

i8 Clarendon Street^

May lothj /p — .
Dear Miss King :

May I bring Mr, Henry Rossi ter with me to your dance en the
fourteenth f Perhaps you recall his sister ^ Mrs. James^ of Rich^
mondy with whom you dined at our house last winter, Mr, Rossi-
ter would be an acquisition if you are short of dancing men^ and
would be delighted to attend your ballj if you have a card to
spare.

Believe me faithfully yours ^

yohn R. Martin,

While it is very easy verbally or through a brief
note to prepare such a request, the petitioner
cannot be too careful to remember that it would be
most improper to ask such a favor for a chance ac-
quaintance, or merely to oblige one who is eager to
force a way into the house and on the attention of the

Six] Ballg 153

hostess. A man never asks his prospective enter-
tainer for an invitation for a woman, unless the person
on whose behalf the request is made is his fiancee or
his near relative.

A woman who enjoys a close friendship with her
hostess may write and ask permission to bring her
fiance^ or her brother, or a man friend if a friend of
long standing, as her escort to the ball. She may also
ask for invitations for friends who have recently come
to live in the hostess' neighborhood, for guests in her
own home, or for relatives. She must not, however,
ask this favor for persons long resident in the hostess'
locality, for this may be forcing on the giver of the ball
guests whom she could have met and invited if she had
truly desired their presence. It is only when a hostess
refuses to extend an invitation to a brother, a sister, or a
betrothed that the least chagrin can be felt at her action.

Timely Arrival

THERE is no rule fixing the hour for arrival at
a ball. Invitations ordinarily state that the
festivities begin at nine, half-past nine, or ten o'clock ;
but in the winter, in the cities, fashionable folk rarely
present themselves before their hostess until eleven,
half-past eleven, or even twelve o'clock; unless the
dance is the meeting of a class the members of which
have agreed on an early assembly. In localities where
operas, the theatre, or long dinner parties are not apt
to occupy all the first part of the wmter evenings, and
in summer in the country, dances, whether large or
small, are in full progress by ten o'clock, the guests
arriving at any time they please, fifteen or twenty min-
utes after the hour, set in the invitations.

154 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

A Woman at a Ball

A WO MAN invariably precedes a man, even if he
is her father, when entering a ball-room. A
man and woman should never enter arm in arm. A
mother, elder sister, or married woman precedes a
daughter, younger sister, or unmarried woman.

When a young woman enters a ball-room and is
not at once asked to dance, she should seat herself be-
side her chaperon. Unless her programme is quite
full she cannot refuse to dance with the hostess's son,
nor can she, properly, refuse to dance with one young
man and give the same dance to another. She can in
all propriety, however, deny herself to one person and,
if he goes in search of another partner, walk with or
sit talking to another while the dance is in progress.

Etiquette does not allow a woman to ask to be ex-
cused from a promised dance unless she is indisposed
or unless she dances no more during the evening. The
young man to whom her excuses are made is not
obliged to sit with her through the dance, nor should
she suggest this alternative. He is, by her excuses, at
liberty to look for another partner. I n case, though,
he does ask the privilege of talking to or walking with
her, she must grant it, to prove that she did not give
up her dance merely to enjoy the company of some
one else. To dance too frequently with one young
man, unless he is her fiance or near relative, or to ig-
nore the dancing and sit with a man in obscure corners,
is both ill-mannered and indiscreet.

As soon as a dance is over, the lady, should she
wish to be free of her companion or feel that he is
eager to leave her, is at liberty to ask that he accom-

Six] Ballfi;

155

pany her back to her seat beside her chaperon, but in
the United States it is only at public balls — in foreign
countries the practice is difFerent — that a young lady
is required to return to the side of her chaperon after
every dance. Her doing so at all balls is laid down as
the infallible rule of good manners in countless books
on etiquette ; but in America, even in the most correct
and formal society, it is never insisted upon. When
the dance is over, on the arm of her partner a young
lady is privileged to wander through the drawing-rooms,
and accept a cooling glass of lemonade, or slip into the
supper-room ; and if the claims on her attention are
many, she merely returns as often to her chaperon as
is necessary to assure that good lady how pleasantly
the time passes, and that her society is an agreeable re-
laxation after the exercise of dancing and the lighter
conversation of very much younger folk.

In the supper-room a woman does not help herself
to anything. She relies on her escort and the servants
to see that her wants are satisfied. If no gentleman asks
her to go into the dining-room, she can quietly follow
her chaperon when that lady goes or look to the host-
ess to supply her with a supper companion.

Accepting and Refusing Invitations to

Dance

/AM not engaged for the second waltz or the third
lancers and I will dance either with you with great
pleasure^ is sufficient indication of a young lady's willing-
ness to give a dance and of her gratification at a gen-
tleman's request for a number on her programme.
She gives him the programme to put down his name ;

156 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

or, if it is a ball where programmes are not used, she
assents pleasantly by saying, ff^itb pleasurcy or / should
like to very mucky or TeSy I shall be very glad to dance
this with you. To refuse, it is all sufficient to say, /
am sorry y but my programme is quite fully or Thank youy
but I do not think I shall dance this number. I feel a
little tired.

A lady wdts to be sought by her partner. When
the music for the dance which she has promised him
strikes up, should he fail to seek her out she may as-
suredly expect an apology and plausible explanation
for his delinquency.

Leaving a Ball- Room

FOR a ball beginning at half-past ten in the eve-
ning the conclusion of the gaieties very properly
arrives, even for the most vigorous, between two and
three in the morning. When a woman guest and her
companion desire to depart in advance of the general
dispersion, they are privileged to make their exit quietly,
without disturbing the hostess. When ladies rise to
leave and the hostess stands near by, it is discourteous
to pass her without a word of farewell and thanks for
the evening's pleasure. Good night; I am in your
debt for a most agreeable eveningy Mrs. Blank ; or TeSy
really I must gOy and I owe you many thanks for my
share in the evening* s pleasure; or Thank yoUy Mrs.
Blankyfor a charming evening; it has been most brilliant
and successfuly are any of them acceptable forms in which
to bid a hostess adieu. It is not necessary to seek
out the host and offer him thanks also, a cordial leave-
taking with an appreciative comment on the successful
festivities is enough.

Six] 3Ballfi;

Duties of Masculine Guest

157

A MAN, on entering the brilliantly lighted ves-
tibule of a house that is in gala dress for a ball,
goes at once to the cloak-room, where he divests
himself of hat and coat, placing both together where
he can easily find them again, or consigning them to the
man in charge and receiving a check for them.

If he is doing duty as an escort to some lady, on
coming from the cloak-room he awaits his compan-
ion's appearance somewhere outside the ball-room door,
at the head or foot of the stairway, or in the hall, hav-
ing agreed with her beforehand just where they are to
meet. When he has asked the privilege of serving as
her escort, he provides the means of conveyance for
herself and her chaperon to and from the dance.
When she has joined him, he gives her precedence as
they all enter the ball-room and does not offer his arm.
Arrived before the hostess, he accepts her greeting in
the exact degree of warmth or formality that her bearing
invites. If she extends her hand cordially and intro-
duces him to the ladies or to her husband, beside
her, and they in turn offer the same cordiality of wel-
come, he responds in kind. If a ceremonious profound
bow is the greeting, he bends his own head in graceful
response and passes on. If his companion has a
chaperon, he at once finds for that lady a comfortable
seat. Before he fills his dance programme with other
names, he asks a dance or two of the lady in his charge.
He also holds himself in readiness to accompany her to
the supper-room, if he sees that no one offers to serve
as escort in that capacity. With the approval of her
chaperon and by her own consent, he can bring for-

158 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

ward and introduce such young men as he thinks will
amuse and dance with her.- If the lady is his near re-
lative or his fiancee, the formalities of asking her per-
mission to present eligible partners is unnecessary ; but
under other conditions this courtesy is not to be dis-
pensed with, unless he is a friend of very long stand-
mg and the dance is informal.

It is never a man's right, when serving as a lady's
escort, by word or look to suggest to her when it is
time to retire. If circumstances compel him to leave
the ball before she is ready to go, the matter can be ex-
plained to her and her chaperon. When, however,
either the chaperon or the young lady indicates a de-
sire to leave, he must acquiesce at once and see them
to their door. It is his privilege, if they have left
early, to return to the ball if he chooses.

When a young man at a ball finds few acquaintan-
ces present, he can apply for introductions to his host
or hostess or, in brief, to any one present whom he
knows. He should not accept the oflfer of introduc-
tions to young ladies unless he intends to dance with
them or otherwise pay them some attention. He can
hardly though refuse to be introduced to a lady if she
has consented to meet him or requests that he be
presented.

Asking a Lady to Dance

ONE of the first duties of every man at a ball is
to apply for the privilege of a dance with the
hostess' daughter or with any young woman who may
be her guest or who assists in receiving. Even though
he spends but a few moments at the entertainment,
this obligation is paramount. It is quite proper for a

Six] Ballfii

159

man, immediately on introduction to a woman, to ask
her for a dance, register his name on her card, and then,
excusing himself, go on to others to ask dances of
them. He, of course, registers the ladies* names on
his card, and directly the music for each dance begins,
he seeks her who his card shows is to be his partner.
May I put my name down for a waltz^ Miss Blank ? or
/ see number jive is not taken. May I have it ? or I hope
your card isnot filled yet ^ Miss Br own ^ and that you will
give me the second two-step or the first lancers^ are the
simple and conventional phrases in which a gentleman
requests a dance.

It is a great discourtesy when a man waits several
minutes after the music for a waltz or polka has begun
before he claims the lady whose name is on his card
for that dance. Directly the music strikes up, it is his
duty to look about for her, and saying, uhis is our
danccy I believcy offer her his arm to lead her to the
floor. Of course, if she deliberately places herself in
some dark and inaccessible nook, he may assume that
she is either indifferent to, or positively desirous of
escaping his attentions, and for the future avoid offer-
ing her his homage. The instant a young lady sug-
gests cutting short a dance, or deliberately frees her-
self from a circle of waltzers, her companion must ac-
quiesce and, thanking her for the waltz, give her his
arm, and walk, or sit and talk with her as long as the
music for that dance is playing. It is a good rule, at
a large and ceremonious ball, for a man to return with
his companion to the side of her chaperon when the
dance is over, particularly if he purposes to hurry
away to bespeak another partner or has special aims
for his own amusement.

i6o Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

No gentleman ever abruptly leaves a woman stand-
ing alone in a ball-room or hallway. If she has no
chaperon he finds her a chair near some of the elderly
ladies, bows, excuses himself, and walks off. This he
can do in all civility when he finds himself placed with
one who does not interest him, or from whose society
he is for any reason eager to escape. He is perfectly
free to say, Where shall I find you a seat ? or Shall we
sit here ? and at the opening of the music add. Pray
excuse me; I must find the young lady who promised me
this dancey and without an effort slip away into pleas-
anter society.

There is no greater rudeness of which a man can
be guilty than a failure to claim a dance for which his
card shows he is pledged. If circumstances arise that
compel him to leave a ball-room before all of his en-
gagements have been kept, he must go to every young
lady to whom he is engaged for a dance and make
proper explanations and apologies.

The Guest Who Does Not Dance

So few are the cities, towns, or even small villages
where dancing classes are not held that there
seems hardly any excuse for a man to attend a ball
and refuse to dance, assigning as his reason that he
does not know how. If this is strictly the truth, or
if he puts little faith in his ability to guide a light-
footed girl with the proper grace and deftness about a
crowded ball-room, then his visible duty is to make up
as far as possible for his deficiency by talking to, or
walking with ladies of the company in the intervals of
their own dancing, and taking them into the supper
room and attending upon their wants.

Six] 3Sall« i6i

No condemnation is too great for that selfish and,
sad to say, not uncommon man, who accepts a hostess'
hospitali^ and requites it by standing in doorways, to
feast his artistic appetite upon the agreeable sights and
sounds of a beautiful ball-room, satisfies his hunger at
her supper table, gossips a little with the men and a few
of the cnaperons, and, after lingering an hour, takes his
way home. There is but one greater offender in the social
world — ^the man who can dance but is too lazy and self-
indulgent to fulfil this mission and who haunts the
smokmg-room while charming girls sit unappreciated
beside their anxious chaperons.

Proper Position in Dancing

A HOSTESS expects every man among her
guests to do his duty, the whole measure of
which is to dance as frequently and as well as lies in
his power. It is not possible or requisite here to
attempt an exposition of the Terpsichorean art ; it is
permissible and probably helpful to suggest that
when a youne gentleman has found and reminded a
lady of has claim upon her for the waltz at the moment
of the music's beginning to sound, he stands before her
bowing slightly, and if they are at some distance from
the ball-room, offers her his right arm, to lead her to
where the dancers are circling. There, with his right
arm, he half encircles her waist, laying his hand not up
near the shoulder blades, but lower — ^just above the
waist line, and, to be explicit, directly over the back
bone. Taking her right hand in his left, he holds it
almost at arm's length, not lower than the level of her
waist line nor higher than her shoulder. His fece he
turns slightly to the left. When so holding her, she

i62 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

is drawn into exactly the proper attitude for graceful
and easy dancing. It is a grotesaue provinciality for
dancers to thrust out their arms stiff and straight from
their shoulders, or for the man to lift the lady's right
hand high in the air, holding it somewhat behind him.
He is obliged to support and guide her, at the same
time taking care not to collide with other couples ; and
if he does not reverse, it is discreet to halt at intervals,
after gliding somewhat out of the path followed by those
who are swifter and more accomplished.

How to Lead a Cotillon

NO young man should acccept the post of leader
of a cotillon unless he is quite secure in his
knowledge and experience of the dance. On receiving
an invitation to fulfil such a duty, he must reply at
once by note, and then call on the lady who has hon-
ored him so far. The call is made to consult with her
as to figures, favors, properties, the number of couples
invited, etc. On the night of the ball he should be
among the first guests to arrive. In case he is to lead
with a lady, he places her on his right hand in a chair
at the top of the ball-room. If, when arranging a fig-
ure, he finds it necessary to gently push or pull a lady
into place, it must be done by lightly grasping her hand.
The men he can take hold of by the arm. Above all
things, a leader must not lose his temper, be abrupt or
dictatorial, or order a change of position otherwise than
with a smile and a pleasant /^/^^j^, or thank you^ and yet
he should invariably enforce his commands.

Persons who are invited to a German that is to occupy
an entire evening to the exclusion of general dancing,
need not refuse the invitation because they have never

Six] ^Ballfi 163

danced the German. Men and women who know how
to waltz, glide, tread the polka, and how to go
through the lancers, are quite competent to take part
in a German, relying on the leader's instructions, the
example of more experienced companions and their
own quickness and intelligence.

Choosing a Cotillon Partner

A YOUNG man bidden to a German is at liberty
to arrange beforehand, through note or a call,
for an agreeable partner. He, of course, is obliged to
ask a lady who has herself been invited to the enter-
tainment in which he desires her partnership ; and he
may ask also the privilege of acting as her escort to
the house, and to this he may add flowers ; but neither
of these latter civilities is required of him. Usually,
he merely joins the lady on the evening of the ball m
his hostess* drawing-room, and leads her on his arm to
her seat at his right, the number of which he has drawn
directly on his arrival. If he chooses, he can wait
until he reaches the house to select his partner ; and,
if on arriving he finds no young ladies or his acquaint-
ance, it is proper to resort to the hostess or some of
her family for introductions. At a German where
more men than women are present, the men may ask
permission to dance without any assigned partner, and
then lead out and dance with any young lady whose
partner is oflF favoring another. Having led his

Eartner to her seat, a young man places her always on
is right, gives her his attention as long as he is beside
her ; and at the end of the evening sees her to her
carriage. He is not obliged to take her to supper,
though if she has no other companion and he is free

1 64 Rncyclopcedta of Ktiquette [Chapter

to offer himself, he will usually extend this courtesy.
At the end of the evening, he thanks her for dancing
the cotillon with him.

A young lady whose partnership is not engaged
in advance, goes to a German, as to an ordinary ball,
with her chaperon, and can expect that some one will
ask her before the figures begin, or that her chaperon
or hostess will find and introduce some one to act as
her partner. If ill luck so far attends her that no
partner is provided, her position is diflicult indeed.
Where the German begins after several hours of general
dancing, she can of course retire gracefully and with
most plausible excuses from the ball ; but if the
German itself is the evening's entertainment, she can
avoid ignominious retreat by finding a seat somewhere
near the end of the line and trusting that the leader
will see that she is taken out.

Rules for Dancing a German

NEVER accept an invitation to dance the German
when you know you will be obliged by some
uncontrollable circumstances to leave before the enter-
tainment is over. Always try to arrive as nearly as
possible on the hour named in the invitation, and do
not remain, dancing and frolicking, after all the figures
are finished. Invariably obey the leader, and comply
with his wishes in all good nature and promptly.
Couples not called up to dance in a figure, or those
called up and waiting while the leader stops to explain
the figure to the others, must not amuse themselves
by independently waltzing about the room and so
creating confusion. Nor should couples continue to
waltz after a figure is finished and the leader's bell,

Six] Ballg 165

clap or whistle has sounded for every one to sit. A
young lady should not favor a man to whom she has
not been introduced, unless she and the stranger are
needed to complete a figure; in such a case, in a
private house, there being no man she knows on whom
she can bestow her favor, it is quite proper to offer it
pleasantly to the stranger and dance the entire figure
with him. Taking this as a sign that an introduction
would not be unpleasant to her, the duty of the man
is to seek out at once some one who will perform this
office. Under similar circumstances a man may ask a
lady, to whom he has not been introduced, to dance a
figure with him. Afterwards he should seek an intro-
duction. Young men must offer at a German the same
attentions to the hostess who is fond of dancing and
to her daughters, that they would offer at a ball, where
dancing is general. Young ladies are not required to
favor their hostess' son ; but the son should lead out
or favor as many of the ladies present as possible.
There is no rule for the disposition of favors except
that a man or woman never favors his or her partner,
and that it is only civility for a man to favor in
turn the woman who has favored him, while a lady
should try to remember the men who have accorded
her this distinction and in the course of the evening
return their compliment.

When the leader signals for a figure to cease, the
man gives the lady with whom he is dancing his arm,
and takes her to her seat ; there he bows, thanks her
for the dance, and then returns to his own seat and
partner. A man asks a lady to dance a figure with
him or accept a favor at a German in exactly the same
manner as he asks for the privilege of any dance. A

1 66 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

lady, when choosing a gentleman for a figure, can do
so oy merely extending the favor to him — ^if favors are
in use — ^and he takes it, and pins it on his coat ; or, if
there are no favors she comes towards him and, with a
slight smile and bow, holds out her hand. He must
at once rise in acknowledgment of her invitation,
thanking her briefly for it then, and again when he
leads her back to her seat at the conclusion of the
figure.

Subscription Dances

SUBSCRIPTION dances, while possessing many
of the features of both private and public balls,
have some details of etiquette that are all their own. A
subscription dance is as a rule held in a public hall or
hotel ball-room, and is presided over by a manage-
ment chosen from the members of the association that
subscribes the money for the expenses of the enter-
tainment. Thus it is a semi-public ball ; but the term
subscription dance as here used applies only to such
festivities as the assembly balls, cotillon clubs, dancing
classes and Cinderella societies, that have a place, dur-
ing the successive seasons, in the wealthy and fashion-
able society of our great cities and more important
towns. For subscription dances, gotten up by an as-
sociation formed of a limited number of fashionable
men or women, special invitations are used, unlike
those employed for public or private balls.

Every subscriber is entitled to bid a certain num-
ber of friends to the periodic dances, or the one great
function that the majority in the membership agree to
give, and these invitations are issued not less than a
fortnight in advance of the entertainment. If a hotel

Six] Balls 167

suite is chosen for the festivity and the design is a hand-
some assembly ball, preparations on the scale outlined
for a hostess who gives a splendid private function in
rooms rented specially for the occasion, with a supper
served at small tables, will be none too elaborate. If
it is to be merely a Cinderella dance, concluding at mid-
night, light refection served from a buffet is perfectly
adequate.

A group of patronesses must receive the guests at
the ball-room door as the servant announces them.
The course for a guest to follow at a subscription ball
is in all essentials the same as that pursued at a private
ball. On entering the ball-room a woman makes a
sweeping bow to every one of the members of the pa-
tronesses in turn, and then passes on ; a man bows pro-
foundly to these stately matrons, but it is not necessary
to take formal leave of the patronesses at departure.

Public Balls

CHARITY and county balls, dances given in coun-
try club houses or hotels and periodic enter-
tainments given by social organizations, whereat danc-
ing constitutes the chief diversion, may be properly
gathered under the general head of public balls.
Though in certain features they may differ one from
the other, the etiquette for them all is in the main the
same. At a public ball, whether admission is by pur-
chased tickets, such as are issued for the annual charity
ball given in nearly every large city, or by invitations
distributed by the members of the organization that
contributes all the essentials for the entertainment —
various committees, instead of a hostess, preside over
the function, and on them rests success or failure.

1 68 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Engraved announcements or invitations are usually
prepared and issued from two weeks to seventeen days
before the date fixed for the dance. A professional
caterer is usually engaged to supply the supper and
servants sufficient to swiftly minister to the needs of
all the guests. A supper of meats, hot bouillon,
salads and ices, with coffee and confections, served
from a buffet, is always the most satisfactory. And as
the unmarried ladies will be accompanied by chaper-
ons, an ample number of chairs, ranged in double rows
about two or four sides of the bunting- and flower-be-
decked dancing salon, will be quite essential.

Ornamental badges, made from a few inches of
satin ribbon and inscribed in gold, silver or embroi-
dered lettering, with the official position of the wearer,
should be prepared and distributed among the men
and women who form the various committees; and^
these should be worn conspicuously on the left side of
the breast. Cloak rooms, with attendants who will
receive, guard and issue small paper checks for the
wraps confided to their care, are a necessary provision
for the guests, both men and women ; and an awning
and carpet before the entrance of the public hall or
hotel where the ball is given, and a competent liveried
servant to give carriage checks and call for the vehicles,
are conveniences that the management should not fail
to provide.

The Patronesses

WHEN women do not serve upon the commit-
tees, it is requisite for the gendemen who have
the entertainment under their control to appoint a
number of patronesses. Six, eight, ten or more lead-

Six] BSallfi 169

ing matrons are chosen, and by formal written invita-
tions, issued in the name of the management, request
is made of them for permission to engrave their names
upon the invitation cards and the honor of their ser-
vice with the reception committee on the evening of
the entertainment. If badges are prepared for the
patronesses, one is enclosed with the invitation to act as
patroness, or else the head of the management distrib-
utes them on the evening of the ball at the moment
the ladies chosen enter the ball-room.

A public ball, as a rule, opens exactly on the hour
specified in the invitations. Therefore, ten minutes in
advance of the arrival of the first guest the music be-

fins, and the members of every committee must be on
and to greet the ladies who are to assist in receiving
and designate their position, which should be just in-
side the door opening to the dancing salon or in the
centre of this room. It is a good arrangement for the
patronesses to stand in a half-circle beside the door, with
the heads of the several committees at their left, though
there is no fixed ruling on this point. A servant in
livery announces the guests as they enter, the ladies and
gentlemen near the aoor acknowledging every arrival
with courteous bows. If the ball opens with a grand
march, the matrons who assist in receiving are led out
on the floor and through the mazes of the promenade,
each leaning upon the right arm of some prominent
member of one or another of the diflferent commit-
tees in charge.

The members of committees are obligated, further-
more, to escort the patronesses to the supper room, to
introduce guests of importance to them and to accom-
pany each lady who serves in this capacity to her car-

170 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

riage door when she rises to depart. The directors of
a public ball are entitled to make introductions, since
they are the hosts of the occasion, to accompany dis-
tinguished women guests to the supper room and to
give orders to the musicians.

The Guest of Honor

IF the ball is siven in honor of some distinguished
person, the head of the management goes forward
when this person arrives, presents him to the ladies of
the reception committee and escorts him to the box or
seat set apart for his occupancy. Throughout the
evening, some one of the directors of the entertainment
should remain near the guest of honor, to bring up and
introduce those who may desire to meet him, to see
that he is properly 'served, and that his wants are not
disregarded nor his amusement allowed to flag. Fi-
nally, when the distinguished guest departs, he must
be duly escorted to his carriage.

Not until the ball is over and the last guest
has taken his departure, are members of the manage-
ment privileged to relax their vigilance and seek
their rest.

Guests at a Public Ball

THOUGH public balls as a rule begin early,
guests are privileged to make their bow before
the reception committee at any hour before midnight.
Men and women check their wraps in their respective
dressing-rooms and enter as at a private ball, bowing
courteously to those who stand by the door to re-
ceive them. A guest is privileged to dance the
ball out, or to spend a few moments in merely look

Six] 3Ball0

171

ing on and then retire without taking leave of those
who receive.

At a public ball a young lady returns to her chaper-
on's side after every dance. Men guests who lack ac-
quaintance in the company may apply to members of the
reception or floor committee for mtroductions. When
wraps are resumed in the cloak-rooms the attendants
will expect a small fee. With these exceptions the
etiquette is essentially the same as that outlined for
private dances.

The Ball Dress for Women

FOR a ball the women guests and the hostess of the
occasion wear their most elaborate evening cos-
tumes, short-sleeved and decollete, with the hair high
and arranged, if preferred, with jewels. A handsome
silk, satin, lace or spangled gown with a train and an
abundance of Jeweled ornaments is none too elaborate
a toilet to do honor to so brilliant an event.

For a party or an impromptu dance the hostess is
still privileged to don an elaborate gown ; but where
the afllair is small and early, in the country, and in
summer, a simple silk or net gown and a few jewels
betoken the woman whose taste is beyond cavil.

The dress of a debutante, on the occasion of the
ball that ushers her into society, is invariably of white
or of some very delicately tinted and cloudiike fabric.
Tulle, chiffbn, net and liberty silk are the choicest
weaves to select from. The bodice is, in the majority
of cases, cut open, in a square, round, or heart-shape,
over the chest and shoulders ; and lace sleeves, or long
gloves, cover the arms. A debutante does not wear
jewels in her hair ; nor does sh# wear flashing diamonds

172 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

or a great display of priceless pearls* As her debut is
usually an occasion when her parents and friends honor
her with gifts, she is privileged to wear these tributes
of flowers and ornaments with her ball gown. A sin-
gle string of pearls or gemmed heart hung about her
neck by a fine gold chain, a ring, bangle and brooch
surely offer no real defiance to the fixed canon that
during her first few years in society a fresh-faced young
woman does not need jewels and should wear them
most sparingly.

The daughters of a house, when a ball is given,
may dress with great elegance, but should be careful to
make no effort to outshine their guests. For a ball, a
gown of light color, airy substance, cut decollete back
and front and short in the sleeves, or provided with
lace covering for the arms, is the proper costume.
A dancing party does not necessitate such elaborate-
ness of dress and an elbow-sleeved, sprigged taffeta
or muslin gown, with the bodice slightly open in
front, is a better choice than the costume appropriate
to a full ball.

Dress for Men

WHETHER a ball is given in winter or sum-
mer, the men, host and guests alike, wear the
orthodox evening costume. At very informal dances
in the country the men who gather from their yachts,
club houses, and the like, are forgiven by their hos-
tesses when they appear in immaculate white duck or
flannels, if nothing more formal is obtainable at the
short notice given them. But under any other condi-
tions, the black clawhammer coat, with trousers to
match, white waistcoat, white linen and white necktie

Six] BSallfi

173

form theonly possible evening dressfor the civilized gen-
tleman. In winter, in the city, a man wears a heavy dark
raglan or Chesterfield overcoat over his sober, but ele-
gant, toilet of black and white; a top hat, or one with a
crush crown, or a felt of Alpine shape ; and throughout
the evening gloves of immaculate white dressed kid are
essential. In summer the gloves are not infrequently
omitted and at that season a man may reconcile it with
his own conscience whether or not they shall be worn.
If the ball is a large and handsome affair at a fashionable
resort, it is his manifest duty to consider that the delicate
gowns and gloves of the ladies will suffer at the touch
of his hot and perhaps moist hand and that in conse-
quence he is really not at liberty to leave his own
gloves off, however much his own comfort may urge
him to do so. Many men obviate this possible injury
to fragile suede and muslin, by grasping a handkerchief
in the hand that is laid on the lady's waist, and this is
well enough where, without formality, young people
gather to toot it together for a few hours and the young
ladies leave their own gloves at home. But under any
other circumstances a man must submit to the bondage
of gloves ; and at large fashionable dances, where there
is danger of the smooth white kid growing soiled before
the end of the entertainment, a careful and considerate
man carries an extra pair as religiously as he stows two
handkerchiefs in his pockets.

Chapter SEVEN

The Invitations

WEDDING invitations are issued not
later than fifteen days, and not
earlier than four weeks before the
date set for the marriage. Circum-
stances and not an inflexible rule
must be the guide with regard to the distribution of
wedding invitations. For a large church wedding, they
are usually sent to all those whose names appear on
the visiting lists of the two families concerned. They
are also posted to relatives and friends of the bride
and groom who may be in mourning or traveling
abroad ; to the important business associates of the
groom, and those of the bride's father. An amiable
bride can afford to offer as well a few extra invitations
to her bridesmaids and ushers, who may wish to ask
their particular friends or relatives to witness the
ceremony.

The invitation is engraveci on sheets of fine, pure
white or cream-tinted paper, having a smooth surface
without glaze. From year to year the precise propor-
tions of these sheets vary an inch and a fraction in length
and width. A good conventional size measures seven
inches and one half in length, by six inches and a

WtVUiu^ 175

fourth in width, and folds once to fit its envelope.
Occasionally the crest of the bride's family or her
initials are embossed in white in the centre at the top
of the engraved sheet and also on the envelope flap ;
but entwmed initials or armorial devices in colors, gilt-
edged sheets, etc., are not in good taste. Plain script
is still the preferred engravmg for wedding cards,
though now and then very heavy block lettering is
used, with an agreeable effect, or the old English
characters.

An order to the stationer for wedding invitations
includes not only the envelopes into which the en-
graved sheets are folded, but larger and less expensive
ones into which the first are slipped. The first en-
velope is not sealed ; on it is inscribed only the name
of the guest for whom it is intended. The second is
sealed and stamped and bears the complete address of
the person for whom it is intended. When sending
wedding cards it is not permitted to make a single in-
vitation serve for an entire household by the economi-
cal device of a general address like " Mr. and Mrs.
Brown and family." If the heads of the house and
their unmarried sons and daughters are bidden, one
invitation is sent addressed in this form : ** Mr. and
Mrs. Brown," one addressed thus: "The Misses
Brown," and a third addressed to "The Messrs.
Brown." All three invitations, each in its proper en-
velope, are for posting enclosed in a single envelope
which is addressed in full to the matron of the family,
as " Mrs. John L. Brown."

The accepted wording of an invitation to a church
wedding runs as follows, and is arranged in the order
given below :

176 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Mr. and Mrs. Charles S. Doan

request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter

Mary
to

Mr. Theodore Dana Hunton

on Monday afternoon^ October the fifib

at four 0^ clock

Saint Saviour* s Church

New Tork

Another form recently adopted in ^hionable so-
ciety requires the use of the word and or with instead
of tOy and the name of the person invited is written
in by hand. Though the labor of issuing the invita-
tions is by the later device greatly increased, an addi-
tional touch of elegance and an appearance of greater
courtesy is assuredly gained. The newest style shows
the following arrangement :

Mr. and Mrs. Morton Ramsay

requests the honor of

presence at the marriage of their daughter

Marian
and

Mr. Bryson Fitch

On Wednesday^ Jvne the twelfth

at half after four 0* clock

at Holy Trinity Church

Boston

Seven] WtVUiU^

177

A bride who is an orphan issues her invitations in
the name of her nearest surviving relative. An un-
married sister, unless a lady of mature years, is the one
exception to this rule in favor of the "nearest surviving
relative."

When a brother, whether married or not, is the
person in whose name his sister's wedding cards are
issued, the wording on the cards should run thus:
Mr. Harold Vinton Brown requests the honor of your
presence at the marriage of hi J sister Mary. A married
woman would invite guests to her sister's wedding in
this form : Mr. and Mrs. Thomas H. Brown request the
pleasure of your, company at the marriage of Mrs.
Brown* s sister^ Mary Stayler Bond, etc., and grandpar-
ents, an uncle and aunt and a married brother would
also indicate the exact degree of relationship, along
with the young lady's name in full. Should the
marriage be arranged to take place at the house of
a friend, the wording of the invitations would take
this form :

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of

Miss Lucy Lidell For sy the

Mr. Jasper F. Fenton

on Monday^ November the tenth

at half past four 0^ clock

at the residence of

Mr. and Mrs. John Tuckerman Fields
Fourteen Colorado Avenue

178 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

When a bride has lost her mother or father and
the remaining parent has married again her cards are
issued in the name of her own parent and her step-
parent. The wording, however, clearly indicates whose
child she is, unless, as is sometimes the case, she pre-
fers, through affection for her step-parent, not to have
this distinction made. Ordinarily the wording on the
wedding cards of a step-daughter takes this form :
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas R. Brown request the pleasure
of your company at the marriage of Mrs. Brown* s
daughter^ Eleanor Flagler Doan^ etc. ; or, Mr. and Mrs.
Thomas R. Brown request the honor of your presence at
the marriage of Mr. Brown's daughterly Amelia. When
a bride's father is a widower she issues her cards in his
name alone.

The chosen formula is engraved on the first pages
of the double sheet and never occupies more than that
one page. And let it be borne in mind, by those who
seek to follow the letter of the social law concerning
wedding cards, that the wording honor of your presence
is now employed in preference to any other for a church
wedding. In large cities where inquisitive strangers
not infrequently attempt to usurp the places of the
invited guests and force their way into the church
where a marriage is to take place, it has become essen-
tial to guard against this imposition by inclosing with
every invitation a card of admission. These are slips
of white cardboard, four and one quarter by two and
one-half inches, bearing the inscription :

Please present this card at

Saint Saviour* s Church

On Monday^ October the Twenty^-fifth

Seven] Wt'tftiiXl^ ^79

Cards to Wedding Reception

WHEN a church wedding is succeeded by a re-
ception or breakfast there is enclosed with the
wedding invitation also an engraved card of medium
size inscribed thus :

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan

request the pleasure of

company

on Monday^ October the fifth

at half past twelve o^ clock

Twenty-two JVashington Avenue

R. J. V. p.

Reception

from half past four o'clock

Twenty-two Washington Avenue

R. 1. V. p.

Invitations toa midday wedding, followed bya break-
fast at the bride's home, are now not infrequently cast
in the very suitable English form. In this form the
wedding invitation is engraved on a double sheet, and
then in smaller lettering at the bottom of the page is
added, and afterwards at breakfast^ followed by the
address of the bride's parents.

In event of a home wedding, the invitations are
engraved as for a church ceremony, with the substitu-
tion in place of the sentence, honor of your presence^

i8o Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

of the phrase pleasure [or honor] of your company. For
a home wedding where the marriage ceremony is to be
performed in the presence only of the immediate fami-
lies concerned and to be followed by a large reception,
the invitations issued generally take this form :

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan

request the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of their daughter

Lydia Madeline

and

Mr, John Henry Richards

on Monday afternoon^ October the first

at four o'clock

Twenty^ne Beech Street

Along with such of these reception cards as are
sent to special friends whose presence is desired also at
the marriage are sent small cards on which is engraved,
ceremony at half after three o'clock. These cards are
slipped into the same envelopes that carry the recep-
tion invitations.

Under the conditions of a wedding in a country
neighborhood to which guests are asked from some
town or city near by, with such, invitations are
inclosed small printed cards (very frequently of the
style displayed below) which give the schedule of trains
that will transport such guests most conveniently to
the place where the wedding is to occur :

Train leaves Grand Central Station
for Blythedale at j.jo P. M.
Returning train leaves Blythedale
for New York at 6. JO P. M.

Seven] Wttft^tn^ i8i

When the bride's parents place a special train at
the service of their city guests, in the invitations sent to
these is inclosed a card which serves as a pass, en-
titling the bearer to a seat in the reserved coaches. The
usual form for this card is :

7'he special train leaves

Grand Central Station for Blythedale

at J.JO P. M.

Leaves Blythedale /or Grand Central Station

at 6 P. M.
Please present this card at the station door.

Now and again we meet with wedding cards on
which, below the polite formula of invitation, the en-
graved letters R. s. v. p. appear and indicate that
the favor of a reply is requested. This is the practice
in case of a country wedding when a special train to
transport city guests is engaged and the host and
hostess wish to know for how many persons accom-
modations must be provided; it is also the practice
when a city home wedding is celebrated. An answer
is not infrequently asked on wedding breakfast invi-
tations; but R. s. V. p. is rarely or never added to
an invitation merely to witness the church ceremonial.
Wedding invitations gotten up by fashionable stationers
now show instead of the letters R. s. v. p., the fall
phrase, in English, the favor of a reply is requested.

Invitations to Second Marriages

CARDS of invitation to a woman's second mar-
riage take the same form they would have if it
were her first In the name of her parents or nearest

1 82 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

surviving relative the cards are issued and her own
name does not appear as on her first wedding cards.
It is true that her own first and middle names appear,
but they must be supplemented by the surname of her
deceased husband, thus

Mr. and Mrs. Horace Dunham

request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter

Mrs. Eleanor Folsom Craig

Mr. Harold Parker Strange

on Tuesday^ December the tenth

at twelve o*clock^ at

St. Margarets Chapel

Elm Avenue

If on the occasion of her second marriage a woman
has no near relatives to serve as hosts and sponsors for
her, she may issue her cards in this form :

The honor of your presence is requested

at the marriage of

Mrs. Mary Foster Archbold

to . ,r

Mr. John Grey Pendleton

on Wednesday afternoon^ May the fifth
at four 0* clock
Church of the Redeemer 5

Seven] Wttit^inqfi 183

Announcement Cards

ANNOUNCEMENT cards are employed when
a marriage has been celebrated quietly in the
presence of a few persons. They are posted on the
day of the wedding to all relatives and friends of bride
and groom. The announcement is engraved upon
sheets of white paper similar in size and texture to
those used for wedding invitations. The information
of a marriage is conveyed thus :

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan

have the honor of announcing
the marriage of their daughter

Florence
to

Mr. Henry L. Griswold

on Thursday^ October the third

nineteen hundred and one^ at

St. Agnes Chapel

A large joint card of the newly married pair is
very often enclosed with every announcement; and
this card bears the address of the bride and groom
and sometimes the name of the bride's day at home as
well. The announcement of a widow's marriage can be
properly made in the above form, using her Christian
name, followed by the surname she bore during her
first husband's lifetime.

When announcement cards are not issued in the

1 84 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

name of the bride's nearest relatives, they should be
engraved thus :

Mr. Gerard Baxter Goodman

and

Miss Frances Littig Burnbam

have the honor of announcing

their marriage

on Saturday^ October the fifth

nineteen hundred and one^ at

The First Presbyterian Church

Baltimore

Anniversary Invitations

INVITATIONS to a wedding anniversary may be-
tray by delicate ornamentations the significance of
the occasion. They are engraved on sheets or cards,
and they may display the raised entwined initials of hus-
band and wife and give in one upper corner the year of
the marriage and in the opposite upper corner that of
the anniversary to be celeorated. For a silver wed-
ding the lettering may be in silver. The following are
approved forms :

i8y^ F.S. jpoo

Mr. and Mrs. Warren Archer Stanton

At Home

Saturday evening^ June third

after nine o^ clock

Forty Oak Street

Seven] l^ttfUin^ 185

1S2S ^900

Mr. and Mrs. Warren Archer Stanton

request the pleasure of your company
§m the Twenty^fifth anniversary of their marriage

§n Tuesday afternoon^ Jwie third ,

from four until seven o* clock
Forty Oak Street

Recalling Wedding Invitations

WHEN a death, an illness or an accident necessi-
tates the curtailment or postponement of a wed-
ding celebration for which invitations have been issued,
the parents of the bride notify the invited guests of the
change in the programme by promptly issuing printed
cards recalling the invitations or announcing the post-
ponement of the wedding. Such announcements can
be got out under a time limit of twenty-four hours by
a stationer who, in simple lettering, prints on cards the
size of those used in correspondence the terms of
recall, as follows :

Owing to the sudden death of Mr. Theodore
Hunton's father Mr, and Mrs. Theodore Hunton
beg to recall the cards issued for their daughter's
wedding reception.

Answering Wedding Invitations

IT is not essential to send a written reply to a wed-
ding invitation unless the cards include a break-
fast or luncheon at the home of the bride, or bear the
letters R. s. v. p., indicating explicitly that an answer

1 86 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

is desired. Cards to witness a large church function
only, need no reply. The invited guest attends or
not as the case may be, since an invitation to the church
is hardly regarded as a profFer of hospitality. Cards
to a church or home wedding followed by a reception
need no written answer, if their recipient purposes to
attend ; the presence of the person invited serves as an
acceptance. When it is impossible or inconvenient to
attend a home wedding or wedding reception, the invi-
tation must be politely acknowledged by posting or
sending by hand, the day of the marriage, two visiting
cards addressed to the bride's parents. The response
to a wedding invitation bearing the letters R. s. v. p.
should be made proniptly and formally. An accept-
ance may be in the following form — written on the
first page of a sheet of note paper, and addressed to
the parents of the bride :

Mr. and Mrs. Hugh M. Girton

accept with pleasure the kind invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan

to the wedding of their daughter

on Monday afternoon^ October fifth

at four 0* clock

Regrets may be expressed thus :

Mr. and Mrs, Hugh R. Girton

regret their inability to accept the kind invitation of

Mr. and Mrs. Charles B. Doan

to the wedding reception of their daughter

on Thursday afternoon^ October fifth

at four o\lock

Seven] I^Etltlitlgfif 187

Cards to a silver or golden wedding reception do
not require a formal written acceptance unless a reply
is requested on the engraved invitation. The presence
of the guest acknowledges the receipt of the cards and
acceptance of the invitation, while regrets are adequately
expressed by posting visiting cards addressed to the
host and hostess, the day of the function, or by send-
ing them by a messenger at the hour set for the
reception. When a married couple post their cards,
two of the husband's cards are inclosed with one
of the wife's. An unmarried woman posts but one
of her cards. An unmarried man posts two of his
cards.

Announcement cards need no acknowledgment,
though carefully courteous persons leave cards or call
on the bride's parents within two weeks after receiving
the formal notification of the marriage. Not infre-
quently the friends of the newly wedded pair answer
an announcement card by a brief note of congratula-
tion addressed to the bride or groom. This can be
done when the friend lives at a distance from the scene
of the marriage. Another course very often wisely
pursued when announcement cards are received is that
of promptly posting a visiting card to the bride or
groom, or to both, with the words, sincere good wishes
or, hearty congratulations^ written thereon.

Wedding Expenses

IN society to-day the father and mother of a young
lady about to marry assume, with few exceptions,
all the costs and responsibilities in connection with the
suitable celebration of her wedding. The specific ex-
penses and duties that their position impose on them

i88 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

may be enumerated thus : the engraving, addressing,
and posting of invitations or announcement cards ;
every detail of the bride's wedding dress ; the music
and flowers and awning at the church; the servant
on duty at the church door; the carriages that
convey the bride and bridesmaids to the church, and
the reception or breakBist following the church
ceremony.

With the bride and her family, therefore, rests the
decision as to whether her wedding is to be celebrated
quietly at home or with formality and elaboration at
church, as well as all points concerning the music,
decorations, and the extent and type of festivity that
shall follow the religious rites. No longer is it incum-
bent on the bride's parents to provide their daughter
with the linen for her new home, though it is certainly
quite permissible for them to do so ; and furthermore,
be it noted that they are not required to put carriages
at the disposal of wedding guests except when the
guests are asked from town to a wedding in the coun-
try. Then the bride's father is of necessity obliged to
have carriages in readiness to meet them at the railway
station, to convey them to the church and afterwards
to the reception, and again to the railroad station ; and
this arrangement need not be mentioned in the in-
vitations. Guests who are country residents may be
expected to provide their own carriages as in town.
If the bridegroom himself is not a country resident,
the bride's father may place a carriage at his disposal,
to convey the bride and himself from the church to
the mansion, and again to the railway station after the
reception.

In the event of a country wedding it is not often

Seven] Wtyt^iU^ 189

that the family of the lady concerned can afford to
provide a special train for the convenience and comfort
of the guests arriving from a distance ; though where
great wealth is enjoyed by the bride's father this luxury
IS not an uncommon adjunct to a handsome out-of-
town wedding, and the invitations contain special cards
that entitle the guests to seats in the reserved railway
carriages, directions concerning which are given in the
section on wedding invitations.

The Bride and Her Gifts

AS soon as her invitations are issued, a bride-elect
will daily find herself the recipient of gifts, and
she must personally return by note prompt and grace-
ful thanks for every article as soon as possible
after it arrives. Unless prevented by illness there
is no excuse for her delegation of this task to an-
other and none but an inconsiderate or ignorant
person will fail in this duty or postpone its fulfil-
ment, no matter how modest the offering may be or
from whom it comes. The following simple modes
for expressing appreciation of a wedding gift may be
utilized :

20 Bellevue Terrace^

May 26th^ /p — .
Dear Mrs, Holland:

Pray accept my warmest thanks for the handsome dishes that
have just arrived, I am the fortunate recipient of many beauti^
ful gifts^ but of none more admired or highly prized than yours.
With the hope that I will see you on my wedding day^ I am^

Sincerely yourSj

Marie A, Fobom.

I9Q Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

The Manor House^

September loth^ /p — .
Dear Mr. Maxwell:

Tour charming gift has arrived^ and I cannot tell you how
pleased I am at the kind remembrance of one so far away. Many
thanks for your good wishes for my future ; that will^ I am sure^
prove as happy as I could desire.

Again with sincerest thanks^ believe me to be yourSy

Janet L, Thompson,

Wedding presents are not infrequently displayed
on' the day of the marriage and during the reception;
and this is especially the practice at country weddings,
where there is apt to be no opportunity for showing
them before the wedding. The gifts are disposed
about a room on the drawing-room or bed-room
floor, every article bearing the card of its donor. In
town it is much the custom at present to show the
bridal silver, jewels, etc., on an afternoon two or three
days before the wedding. The bride's mother then
sends out brief invitations on her visiting cards, ask-
ing in the friends and relatives, and especially those
who have sent gifts, to inspect the treasures, and beside
every gift the card of its giver is laid. Sometimes the
cards placed beside the gifts have their blank sides turned
up and the number only of the gift appears thereon.
When this course is followed an exhibition is, natur-
ally, not held again on the wedding day.

Selecting the Bridal Attendants

IT is a bride's privilege to decide how many per-
sons shall compose her escort to the altar and
with her rests the choice not only of the maid of
honor and the bridesmaids, but of the greater number

Seven] I^Etltlltlgfif »9i

of ushers. There is no rule as yet defining exactly
the number of attendants at a wedding. Rarely do more
than twelve bridesmaids appear at even the most
elaborate church function to-day; and for a home
celebration one maid of honor usually suffices. Pages
and flower girls seem now no longer essential features
in an extensive bridal train, though they do occasion-
ally serve; and from six to twelve ushers can effec-
tively care for the guests at even the largest wedding.
The corps of bridesmaids is invariably a representative

Soup ox the bride-elect's dearest feminine relations and
ends; but if possible, a sister of the groom is in-
vited to make one in her maiden escort. The maid of
honor is usually the bride's sister or her most intimate
girl fnend; and the pages and flower girls, when these
pretty servitors appear, arc chosen From among the
juvenile members ot the bride's or the groom's family.
As soon as the marriage day is settled upon, it is
customary to appoint the favored few whom the bride
wishes to take part in the wedding procession.
Courtesy demands that she call formally upon the
young ladies she desires to so honor and ask them to
serve. Having in consultation with her mother
decided upon the costuming of her maids, when call-
ing to ask their good offices she gives them in detail
her ideas on this point, and can expect their implicit
obedience. A wealthy and generous young woman
may present everyone of her maids with her* gown
complete, or give them the pretty addenda of their
costumes, sucn as the hats, fans, shoes, gloves, and
handkerchiefs. It is not, however, necessary for her
to do this, though she is obligated to present every
lady in her train with a souvenir of the occasion. In

192 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

England to-day, and formerly in America, to the lot of
the groom fell this duty; but it certainly seems more
fitting for these small testimonials of gratitude and af-
fection to be given by the bride herself, and, nowadays,
in our fashionable society, from her they invariably
come. Bracelets, brooches, fans, vinaigrettes or jeweled
lorgnon chains are first in the list of pretty trifles that a
young lady may choose to bestow; and not only
should the souvenirs be all alike in value and orna-
mentation, but they should be suitable for conspicuous
use at the wedding. If the bride gives a farewell
luncheon or dinner to her maids, the souvenirs are
presented there and then; if not, they may be sent to
the young ladies the day before or on the morning of
the weddmg, the sender's visiting card being enclosed
with each one. It is not obligatory for a bride-elect to
entertain her girl friends at a breakfast or luncheon
shortly before her wedding, though there is a growing
rejudice in favor of some last formal dispensing of
ospitality in her father's home. When ordering car-
riages for the use of the bridesmaids on the wedding
day, favors should be provided by the bride's family
for the horses' lieadstalls and the coachmen's coats.
One carriage will serve to carry two young ladies to
and from the church.

Though a bride-elect does not personally ask any
one to serve as usher, she selects a number of them
from among her own relations and friends. And when
they have been asked and have consented to serve, she
or her mother gives them careful directions as to the
part they are to play in the wedding procession and in
seating guests ; and on the morning of the wedding the
bride sends to the house of every gentleman in her

Seven] Wttft^tVi^ »93

cort the boutonniere she wishes him to wear. These
buttonhole bouquets are most of them made of what-
ever white flower predominates in the bridal decora-
tions — ^white carnations, white sweet peas, white rose
buds or white orchids, as the case mpy be.

Wedding Rehearsals

BEFORE the celebration of an elaborate wedding
in church the bridal party and the attendants
should experiment with the manoeuvering and grouping
of the bridal procession. To call a rehearsal the bride
ascertains the day and hour when it will be possible to
assemble the greatest number of her maids and ushers
and then by notes or verbal request appoints the time
and place for their assembling, and gives orders for the
opening of the church. The bride's mother may take
occasion to entertain the young people at a luncheon or
dinner after or before the rehearsal ; but this is not
necessary, and any morning, afternoon or evening
agreed upon the persons chosen may gather at the
church and practice the designed order of procession,
until prompt and graceful manoeuvering on the wedding
day is insured.

Setting the Wedding Day and Hour

WEDDINGS are celebrated the year around, for
in this enlightened new century of ours there
is little or no belief reposed in the old-time supersti-
tion that ill or good luck will befall a couple according
as they choose an unpropidous or traditionally fortunate
season in which to pledge their marriage vows. Fash-
ion, however, decrees in favor of spring or autumn,
when the weather is apt to be mild and sunshiny and

194 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the flowers are in full glory, and June and October, for
this reason, are par excellence the favorite bridal
months in the twelve. The Lenten days form usually
the only period when no weddings of any splendor are
ever celebrated. A tradition, that is the outgrowth of
ancient superstitious fear, still maintains the unlucki-
ness of Friday ; but all other days of the week, save
Sunday, seem equally favored by brides. And any
hour between half past ten in the morning and nine at
night is perfectly fitting to celebrate, with a greater or
less degree of conventional pomp and circumstance, the
plighting of marriage vows. Weddings that take place
before twelve o'clock are as a rule, however, small
family affairs, conducted at that hour to facilitate the
departure of the bride and groom on a suddenly
planned journey, or because mourning or illness pre-
vents more elaborate recognition of the occasion. A
wedding of the extremest fashion is usually celebrated
at high noon, or twelve o'clock precisely, in imitation
of the English custom, though the greater number of
marriages every season occur in the afternoon. All
things considered, society has chosen wisely in favor
of the marriage solemnized between three and six
o'clock of an autumn or spring afternoon, when the
majority of invited guests are at leisure to appear at
the church, when an easily conducted reception can
succeed the ceremony, and when ample time is af-
forded the bride and her mother to prepare every de-
tail of the designed entertainment. Night weddings
are neither so fashionable nor so frequent now as
in former times, for the very good reason that they
are not so easily nor effectively managed as day wed-
dings.

Seven] Wftft^iti^ 195

Preparation for a Church Wedding

WELL in advance of the wedding day, the bride
and her mother discuss and settle with the
church organist what musical selections shall be played
at the entrance and departure of the bridal procession.
If there are to be elaborate decorations a norist must
be consulted and given explicit directions. If the time
is the spring and the place a city, the chancel would be
banked with fine palms and there would be vases of
flowers placed on the altar, wreaths draped about the
reading-desks, chancel rail and choir stalls, and a rope
of flowers cast across the centre aisle in place of the
traditional white ribbon. Let the scene be changed to
a picturesque village church and then the most admir-
able decorative effects will be secured by the use of
flowers from the field or the neighboring gardens ; and
in such a locality, only when the weatner is most un-
propitious need an awning be placed at the church
door. In the city an awning is one of the luxuries of
large, fashionable weddings, whether the weather be
fair or foul. Under the awning a strip of carpet is laid
from the pavement's edge to the church door and a
man in livery is always stationed to open carriage doors,
give checks for identifying carriages, and to call the
vehicles when again needed. Haltan hour before the
time appointed for the ceremony the church doors
should be opened and the decorations should be in
readiness, the organist be at his instrument and the
ushers be ready to show the guests to their seats. For
a small and simple city wedding the awning and carpet
are unnecessary ; the sexton prepares and opens the
church and sees that everything is in readiness.

196 Encycloptsdia of Etiquette [Chapter

When a White Ribbon is Used

THE first two, four, six or eight pews nearest the
chancel and to the right and left of the centre
aisle, are always reserved for the accommodation of the
bride's and groom's families and their nearest friends ;
and whether or not a length of white satin ribbon or a
wreath of flowers shall form a barrier between these
favored few and the rest of the company is a question
that a good many brides now answer in the negative,
prefernng to draw no such obvious distinction between
their friends. In consequence, at many a wedding the
ushers are instructed merely to reserve pew space for
the families of the bride and groom, and seat all other
guests as conveniently and comfortably as possible,
and without special discrimination. Misunderstand-
ings and heartburnings, so often the consequence of an
ill-judged bestowal of the honor of a seat above the
white ribbon, have induced many to forego its use en-
tirely. But for all that, it does sometimes play its part
at a wedding, and then to every usher must be given a
list of those persons entitled to sit above the barrier, or
else — and this is a more modern and also a more con-
venient device — there must be inclosed in the invita-
tions to those selected to sit above the ribbon a card
bearing the number of the pew which the recipient is
appointed to occupy in the circle of honor.

A Fashionable Church Ceremony

A BRIDE should make every effort to appear at
the church door exactly on the stroke of the
hour named in her invitations and with this object in
view her maids and the maid of honor should be di-

Seven] Wttft^iXi^ 197

rected to assemble in their carriages in good time before
their friend's door. Anticipating her daughter's de-
parture by a few moments, the bride's mother drives,
with those of her children who are to take no part in
the bridal procession, to the church, and on the arm
of the head usher she walks to her seat — in the first
pew to the left, at the top of the centre aisle. As soon
as all the bridesmaids appear before tne door, the bride
enters her carriage with her father and bringing up the
rear of the line of vehicles, proceeds immediately to the
church. When these carriages arrive before the church,
the way under the awning, the vestibule and the cen-
tre aisle are cleared of guests by the ushers ; the doors
of the vestibule leading into the church and into the
street are closed ; and the bride and her maids, hav-
ing left their carriages, assemble in the vestibule. As
soon as the bridal carriages draw up at the church door,
news of their arrival is sent to the groom and the
organist is warned to be on the alert for a signal to be
given by the opening of the doors at the foot of the
centre aisle. When the cortege is in readiness to pro-
ceed, the sexton and his assistant open wide the vesti-
bule doors and then as the wedding march peals forth
the ushers, walking two and two, advance first toward
the chancel, followed by the bridesmaids in similar
order. Behind these moves the bride, leaning on the
arm of her father and immediately preceded by her
maid of honor, who walks alone. Arriving at the foot
of the chancel steps, the ushers break ranks, one half
of their number moving up to the right and the
other to the left, thus forming segments of an arc on
either side of that point where the bride and groom are
to stand. The bridesmaids follow the same manoeuvre.

198 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

passing up higher into the chancel between the ranks
of the ushers, to stand, one half at the top of the line
of gentlemen on the left and the other half at the top
of the line on the right, and thereby completing the
crescent that seems to partially enclose or frame the chief
bridal group. At the foot of the chancel steps, the
bride slips ner hand from the arm of her father and
puts it into the right hand of the groom, who has ad-
vanced to meet her, and thus she is led between the
two lines of bridesmaids and ushers, her maid of honor
on the left and her father behind her, to her place
before the clergyman. Arrived at this point, she draws
her hand from the arm of the groom and the religious
rite begins. During the preliminary exhortation the
maid of honor stands at the bride's left, but a pace in
her rear, and her father remains, until the moment of
giving her away, directly behind either the maid of
honor or his daughter. Just as the moment for this
ceremony arrives, the bride usually gives the maid of
honor her bouquet, and when the clergyman inquires
IVho giveth this woman to this man ? the father, advanc-
ing between the bride and groom, takes his daughter's
right hand, lays it in that of the groom, bowmg his
acquiescence as he murmurs, / do. He then imme-
diately steps down to the first pew at the left of the
aisle, to find a seat beside his wife. When the ring is
to be adjusted the bride, if she removes her glove, gives
it also to the maid of honor, and not until the final
blessing is spoken does she accept her bouquet and
glove again.

The rite all spoken, the bride turns to leave
the altar, placing her left hand on the arm of
her husband. At that moment the organ peals

Seven] Wttft^VX^ ^99

forth another triumphant wedding march, and
leading the way the happy pair move down the aisle,
followed by the maid of honor on the arm of the best
man, while in their rear come the bridesmaids, every
young lady on the arm of an usher. When the bride
and groom reach the church door, their carriage should
be found awaiting them; and entering it, they drive off
at once, followed by the best man and the maid of
honor in another carriage. Then the maids and
ushers leave the church and take carriages in the order
in which they came down the aisle, and drive off in
rapid succession after the bride and groom. As soon
as the wedding party have passed down the aisle, the
bride's family follow and in turn drive off; but not
until the whole bridal party and the special guests have
passed out are the church doors opened wide and left
unguarded to permit the departure of the guests in
general. Music is discoursed by the organist until the
last seat is vacated.

Such is the simplest method of celebrating a fash-
ionable church wedding, a method on which the
preferences of every bride play almost countless
variations. It is, for example, a frequent and a
pretty practice to have a picturesquely gowned
child as maid of honor; also for the bride to be
preceded from the altar by a couple of little girls,
who strew rose leaves from delicate baskets in her
path, while her train is born by pages in satin court
costumes who carry wands wreathed in white ribbons.
Weddings are sometimes prettily varied by all the
bridesmaids entering first from the vestry room door,
proceeding down the centre aisle and there meeting
the bride and escorting her to the altar. In the group-

200 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

ing of attendants in the chancel various changes are
possible and sometimes requisite. If a bride, as is
not infrequently the case, has no other feminine at-
tendant than a maid of honor, the ushers may precede
her to the altar or not, as she herself wishes and di-
rects. If they do not, then the head ushers hasten
from the church to the home of her parents, in order
to meet her and the groom on the threshold and give
them welcome, and the maid of honor walks down the
aisle on the arm of the best man. When a bride has
no maid of honor gnd no bridesmaids, her father re-
mains beside her throughout the ceremony and holds
her bouquet and glove when the ring is placed. When
a bride is to be given away by her mother she does not
walk up the aisle with her mother, but on the arm of
a young brother or quite alone, and when the
clergyman asks who gives her away, the mother
merely rises in her pew, bows her acquiescence and
reseats herself. While going up and down the church
aisle, a bride should preserve an air of quiet dignity,
looking neither to right nor left, and making no at-
tempt to recognize or discern the friendly foces and
admiring glances that border her path.

Home Weddings

EXCEEDINGLY handsome and fashionable wed-
dings are frequently solemnized nowadays in the
home of the bride or in spacious hotel drawing rooms ;
as a rule in the presence of but a few near relatives, and
followed a half hour later by an elaborate reception and
breakfast at which a concourse of friends appear. As
it is difficult to manoeuvre an effective bridal procession
in any but the most splendid and spacious mansions.

Seven] Wttft^iU^ ^oi

few home weddings are celebrated with a train of maids.
This, however, is not an impossible achievement, and
beautiful weddings have been conducted in country
houses by utilizing the most spacious room on the
parlor floor as a temporary chapel, embowering one
end of it in flowers, measuring oflF an ample aisle space
by white ribbons, and to the sound of the wedding
march from a concealed orchestra, marshalling the
bridal party down a wide stairway, through a broad
hall and so into the presence of the guests and clergy-
man. This is done frequently in country neighbor-
hoods when the only church is at an inconvenient
distance from the bride's home. In the city a home
wedding is apt to be the choice of a bride, who rather
shrinks from the expense, labor, and publicity that a
church wedding entails ; or a home wedding is some-
times necessitated by the fact that the bride and groom
profess diflPerent religious creeds. At even the most
ceremonious home wedding, held in the ordinary city
house, the bride is rarely attended by more than two
bridesmaids ; frequently and preferably, by a single
maid of honor. In preparation for the event all the
lower floor or living rooms of the house are set in order
and garnished with flowers and a floral arch or a tem-
porary altar is erected in that room where the bride and
groom will pledge their vows. A quarter of an hour
before the marriage takes place, guests will begin
to appear, and the bride's mother, standing by the
drawing-room door and assisted by her husband or
some of her sons or daughter^, receives them. As
soon as the groom, the best man and the clergyman
arrive, they are directed by the servant at the door to a
room placed especially at their disposal, where the

202 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

clergyman may don his robes, and where the three re-
main until the time draws near for the ceremony. When
the bride is ready to proceed to the altar, a message to
that effect is conveyed to the groom, his attendant and
the clergyman, and they then go at once to the draw-
ing-room and stand waiting for the bride. At the head
of the stairs the bride is met by her father, who gives
her his arm and, with the maid of honor preceding them,
they descend and enter the drawing-room. At this
moment the orchestra of stringed instruments, that from
its secluded corner has discoursed melodiously during
the arrival of the guests, receives a warning and begins
the wedding march. Just before the bride reaches the
threshold of the drawing-room, white satin ribbons are
drawn down through the crowd of guests by, perhaps,
two of her young brothers or sisters, or by little pages,
so as to form a lane reaching from the door she is
to enter by to the place where the groom and the minis-
ter stand awaiting her. Guests will fall away naturally
to either side of these barriers, and the mother and the
immediate family of the bride move so as to stand on
her left and the nearest to her of all the persons outside
the ribbons.

The order of the ceremony is identical with that of
the ceremony at a church wedding. As the last blessing
is given the white ribbons are hastily rolled up. The
clergyman then offers his congratulations and at once
makes his way out to take off his robes ; or, if he wears
no special robes, he quietly slips from his place and the
bride and groom step into it, racing the assembled com-
pany. The bridal attendants, ir there are any, face
about in the same way, maintaining their position near
the bride, and the reception or breakfast proceeds.

Seven] WtVOiU^ 203

The Wedding Reception

A FASHIONABLE wedding celebrated in the
afternoon or in the evening is followed by a re-
ception, whether the marriage takes place in church, at
the home of the bride's parents or in hotel parlors rented
for the occasion. A bridal reception differs from that
given in honor of a debutante only in respect to cer-
tain minor details. The drawing-room floor is opened
to its fullest extent and adorned with flowers. For an
afternoon reception artificial light is only used in the
city and when the day is dark. In spring or summer
in the country, if the bride's home is set in the midst
of pretty lawns and flower beds, the reception can
very effectively be carried out exactly after the man-
ner of a garden party, the bride and groom standing to
receive their friends under the trees, while refresh-
ments are served from tables placed beneath striped
awnings. At a wedding, champagne is the beverage
poured for the guests and in addition, punch or red
or white wines may be served. On a table placed con-
spicuously in the main hallway are heaped small white
boxes filled with rich fruit cake, each bearing in gilt or
silver the initials of the surnames of groom and bride.
These are prepared by the caterer, one for every guest,
and are meant to serve in the place of the slice from
the bride's loaf to which, in other days, every guest
was entitled and that now is rarely seen at any wed-
ding. Frequently the confectioner is ordered to erect
from pastry, sugar, and gilded loaves a splendid
"bride's cake" to occupy the centre of a table in the
dining-room; but this is a hollow sham, not to be cut,
and contains no ring or thimble. Occasionally at wed-

204 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

dings a bridal register, bound in white, having in-
itials of the bride and groom and the date in gold
lettering on the cover, is placed, with pen and ink, in
the half or library. The dozen or more blank pages
of this volume are filled with the signatures of the guests.

How the Bride Receives

ARRIVING after the church ceremony at her par-
ents' home, the bride, with the groom, goes at
once to the drawing-room. As her maids and nearest
relations appear she throws back her veil to receive the
kisses and expressions of congratulation ; and then the
bride and groom stand together under a group of
floral wedding bells or before a screen of flowers, the
bridesmaids forming a line or group to the left of the
bride. The parents of the bnde stand together near
the door by which the guests enter, and the father and
mother of the groom are conspicuously present at
some other point in the room. Guests are not an-
nounced at a wedding reception, but are allowed to
join at once the line rapidly passing in review before
the bride and groom, tne ushers taking care to see that
all strangers to the bride are properly introduced.
The bride greets everyone with extended hand and
cordial thanks for his kind speeches. To those who
but briefly address her she need only say. How do you
do; thank you so much, or My dear Mrs. Blanky it is so
good of you to say so many kind and flattering thingSy or

/ thank you Mr. . If I look as happy as I feel then I

must be the picture of content y or // is most reassuring to
hear yoUy for I confess I was terribly nervous, or How
kind you are. Indeed I do feel as if there were nothing
left to wish for in the world.

Seven] Wttft^tXtSfi 205

While guests are still arriving the bride and groom
are not privileged to leave their places. When no
ushers are at hand to make introductions, the bride
presents her husband to those of her friends whom he
does not know, exacting from him a like service when
his friends arrive. It is quite easy for her to say, Tou
have not met my bus bandy I tbinky Miss Blank? George y
I wisb to introduce you. Miss Blank is saying tbe kindest

tbings to us botby or How do you doy Mr. . Pray let

me introduce my busbandy who I believe bas not yet met you.

It is a mistake for a bride to detain a friend for
even a short conversation as long as guests are press-
ing forward for recognition. Throughout the recep-
tion the bride's mother must not leave her place in the
drawing-room. Nearly every guest will wish to speak
to her before or after greeting the bride and groom,
and, however deeply her feelings may be stirred, she
should make every effort to maintain a calm and cheer-
ful expression before her friends, greeting everyone
with a kindly hand clasp and responding with a few
gracious words to congratulations on the successful con-
duct of the church ceremonial and beauty of the bride.

There is no special obligation for the host of the
occasion to remain at his wife's side throughout the
reception. Ordinarily he receives with her for a half
hour or more, and then devotes himself to bestowing
friendly attention and talk where they are most needed,
finding chairs for matrons in the dining-room, seeing
that their wants are satisfied and so on ; and he gives
special attention to the mother or the nearest woman
relative of the groom present. If the bride enters the
dining-room at all, she does so on the arm of her hus-
band. Frequently she prefers to keep her position in

2o6 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the drawing-room until the time draws near for her de-
parture. Tnen she disappears quietly, with a sister or one
or more of her bridesmaids, and returns in her traveling
gown to find her husband awaiting her at the foot of
the stairs, along with the ushers, bridesmaids, her
family and those friends who linger to see her depar-
ture. Of these she takes leave, last of all embracing
her mother, and drives off with her husband amid
showers of rice and satin slippers.

Evening Wedding Receptions

ALL the foregoing rules, as far as practicable, apply
also to a reception held after a marriage celebrated
in the evening. Rarely nowadays do we hear of weddings
followed by dancing, a custom common enough a half
century ago. When a bride wishes to break through
the formal regulations of the present fashion and dance
at her wedding, she first receives her guests in the
regular way, and after the majority of the persons in-
vited have arrived she treads the first measure with
her husband, or else with the best man, in which case
the groom oflFers his hand to the maid of honor or the
first bridesmaid. According to a pretty, old fashion,
the ball may be opened by a double set of lancers in
which only the bride, groom, bridesmaids and ushers
take part, the guests looking on meanwhile. For such
a wedding entertainment a buflfet supper is served
throughout the evening.

Wedding Breakfasts

A WEDDING breakfast is a function not to be
attempted unless the invitation list has
been limited to the bridal party and a few near rela-

Seven] WtVt^iU^ ^^7

tives and particular friends, or unless the bride's par-
ents enjoy unlimited means and have a spacious mansion,
or can afford to secure for the occasion a handsome
ample suite of apartments in a hotel or restaurant. At
so few wedding breakfasts or luncheons are guests
seated at one long table that this form of entertain-
ment need not be considered here. The practice that
now prevails, and probably will prevail for many years
to come, favors the seating of guests at a number of
small tables in one or more rooms on the drawing-
room floor. The assistance of an accomplished caterer
is almost imperative if a wedding breakfast is ventured
on, and as all those invited to breakfast may be re-
quested to answer their invitations, the hostess of the
occasion can give the caterer the exact number of per-
sons for whose needs he must provide. Unless it is
in the depth of the winter and the day proves very
dark, the breakfast should not be eaten by artificial
light. Music is usually supplied, and is placed as for a
reception; and in the room or rooms where the tables
are spread there are ample floral decorations — tall
palms distributed among the furniture and bowls of
flowers on every table add much to the beauty and
gaiety of the scene. An ample force of men servants
in evening livery is required in order that proper at-
tention be given to all the guests. One table, larger
than the others, placed in the centre or at one end of
the dining-room and especially decorated with silver
leaves and a nougat temple, white flowers, and handsome
silver, is reserved for the bridal party. No other
seats or tables are apt to be reserved; nor are cards of
location often placed at other covers, since it is found
more convenient to let the guests choose their seats and

2o8 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

tables as they like or under the guidance of the
waiters.

Whether the wedding breakfast follows a church or
a home ceremony, the bride and groom and their par-
ents receive in a drawing-room, as directed in the
paragraphs concerning receptions. When all the in-
vited guests have arrived, the doors of the dining-
room are opened, and the bride and groom enter first,
the bride leaning on her husband's arm. The ushers
and maids of honor follow; then the bride's father
takes in the groom's mother or nearest woman rela-
tive present, and finally the guests in general enter in
the order that pleases them oest. The . men do not
give the women their arms as at a dinner, but the
hostess lingers to see that no woman is without an es-
cort. As a rule, the hostess goes in last, on the arm
of the groom's father; and the breakfast is served in
its regular courses.

If the bride cuts a cake, the first slices are given to
those at the bridal table; but at a breakfast a cake is
rarely or never served. Instead, the boxes of plummy
loaf are supplied in the hallway.

The Groom

IN the selection of the best man the groom consults
his personal preferences entirely, chosing for his
supporter an intimate friend or his own brother.
Though tradition and custom still hold in favor of a
bachelor best man, a married friend or relative is not
ineligible to this office. In consultation with his
fiancee, the groom makes up the list of ushers when a
church wedding is to be solemnized, for though the
lady may and does usually select the majority of these

Seven] WtVt}iU^ 209

attendants, to the groom falls the duty of requesting
them to serve. Quite unceremoniously, in the street
or business office or through the medium of a brief
note, a gentleman can ask his friends and those of the
bride to act as best man and ushers. The fees for the
marriage license and the clergyman, and for the sexton
for opening and lighting the church, are paid by the
groom. If more than one clergyman officiates at
the tying of the knot then both will expect substantial
recognition of their services. Not less than five dollars
is given by the man who has sufficient means to justify
his entering the married state, while twenty-five dollars
is the minimum fee in fashionable society. And as
regards the friends or relatives of the bride or bride-
groom asked to officiate, it rests with the bridegroom
to determine whether to give some memento of the
occasion, such as a piece of silver plate or something
equally valuable, or a money fee corresponding to that
given to the rector or vicar, although oftener than not,
when the relationship is a very near one — that of
brother or uncle, for instance — this recognition of ser-
vices is dispensed with. In addition to paying the fees
above mentioned, the groom must tip the sexton, if
the church is opened for a rehearsal ; and he must pro-
vide the marriage ring, the bride's bouquet, the bou-
quets of the bridesmaids and, if -he desires, neck-
ties and gloves for the best man and the ushers. The
sleeve-links or scarf-pins that he gives to the best man
and ushers as souvenirs seem nowadays to be almost as
essential as the clergyman's fee. The groom sends
carriages to convey the ushers to and from the church
and he provides not only the carriage in which he and
his best man go to the church, but also the one in

2IO Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

which he and his bride drive away after the ceremony.
The groom should play the part of host to a best man
who has to come from a distant place in order to serve ;
and if both groom and best man come from a distance
for the wedding and travel on together the groom is
entitled to offer to pay the best man's traveling ex-
penses and to assume at the hotel where they put up
the burden and privilege of a host, though this is not
an obligation.

The Farewell Bachelor Dinner

IN fashionable society this is an habitual but cer-
tainly not a necessary feast, given by the groom in
the week or fortnight preceding his wedding. It is
celebrated either atnis home, at his favorite club or in
the private dining-room of a hotel. To this the ushers
and the best man are invited, in addition to any other
male guests he may desire. At the table, the best man
is seated on the host's right hand, or assists in doing
the honors at the foot or the table. At their covers
are placed the souvenirs for the ushers and whether
other toasts are drunk or not, one to the bride is never
omitted, the host proposing her name and all the guests
rising glass in hand to do her honor.

It is a rule for the neckties and souvenirs for the
ushers and best man to be given them on the occasion
of the farewell dinner. They are done up for every
guest in boxes tied with white ribbons and laid on or
beside their plates. When the list of guests includes
other guests than the best man and ushers, these testi-
monials of the groom's gratitude are best handed to
the persons for whom they are intended when they
make ready to depart.

Seven] WttihtXt^ ^ 1 1

When no farewell dinner is given the souvenirs
arc distributed the day before the wedding. They
should be as nearly alike as possible except that for
the best man a handsomer and more distinctive me-
mento is usually chosen.

The Groom at the Wedding

A GENUINELY considerate man does not, when
an elaborate ceremonial has been arranged, at-
tempt to see his bride on the wedding day until she comes
to him at the altar. If a twelve o'clock wedding is
planned, he will find it most convenient to breakfast
with his best man and drive with him to the church.
If an afternoon ceremony is arranged, they would
lunch together, and arriving at the church, go in by a
side door to the vestry room, there to wait news of the
bride's coming. To the best man the groom gives the
fee and the ring, the first in form of a single gold coin
or a crisp new bill or a check folded very small.

When the signal is given that the bride is at the
church door, the groom, with his cloves and hat in
one hand (if he carries his hat into the chancel at all),
walks into the chancel behind the clergyman, followed
by the best man. Outside the communion rail, to the
left of the minister, he stands facing the congregation
until the bride appears. Giving gloves and hat to the
best man, he moves down to the foot of the chancel
steps to meet the bride, extending his right hand as she
draws near to lead her to her place at his left and fac-
ing the clergyman. Just as the time for adjusting the
ring arrives the best man places it in the palm or the
groom. As soon as the ceremony is concluded, the
duty of the nkewly made husband is to wheel about and.

212 Rncycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

facing the congregation, draw his wife's hand through
his arm. Accepting his hat and gloves from tne
best man, he, with his wife beside him, walks at
once down the aisle and out to the street, and drives
away.

The Groom at a Wedding Reception

THE role of a bridegroom at a wedding reception
is simple enough. Having laid aside his hat
and gloves, he stands at his wife's side in the drawing-
room and receives the introductions and congratula-
tions with a hand shake and polite acknowledgments
such as. Thank you. I do indeed feel I am blessed quite
beyond my deserts y or How do you do. Tou are very kind.
If the bride wishes to enter the dining-room, her hus-
band gives her his arm, and at a wedding breakfast he
leads the way to the dining-room with his wife on his
arm

The Groom at a Home Wedding

WHEN, at a home wedding, the groom enjoys
the services of a best man, he drives with his
friend to the home of the bride's parents some fifteen
minutes in advance of the time set for the ceremony;
and he gives to the best man both the ring and the fee.
On their arrival, they go at once to the room reserved
for their use. Hats, coats, and gloves are laid aside,
and when warned that the bride is about to descend,
the two go down to the drawing-room preceded by
the clergyman. The groom goes forward to meet the
bride as she enters and leads her before the officiating
priest or minister. At the conclusion of the ceremony,
he turns and stands facing the guests, his wife at his

Seven] l^etHtltttgfit 2 '3

right hand, and receives the congratulations. At the
moment the bride leaves the drawing-room or break-
fast-room to put off her wedding gown for a traveling
gown, the groom hurries to the dressing-room set
aside for his use — that is, if he and his wife are to set
off at once for a wedding journey — and hastens to ex-
change his wedding clothes for a complete traveling
suit, having, on the morning of the wedding day, sent
a bag or dress-suit case containing his traveling outfit to
the home of the bride, in order to make this change
there. The change made, he places his wedding gar-
ments in the satchel or case in which the other suit was
brought. If no wedding journey is planned, and the
bride and groom purpose to drive but a few blocks or
miles to their new home, or to a hotel where rooms
have been engaged, the groom makes no change in his
dress; but having put on his overcoat and gloves,
stands, hat in hand, at the foot of the stairs to await the
bride's descent. On her reappearance, he takes leave
of all the waiting friends and relatives and drives
away at once with his wife.

The Best Man

TH E duties of one who serves as best man are sim-
ple and easy to perform. The first obligation
is to purchase and forward a suitable wedding gift to
the bride. Now and then a best man will set aside the
rule of etiquette that dictates that all wedding presents
shall be given to the bride, and bestow some token of
personal regard upon the groom instead. A smoking-
set, silver toilet articles or desk conveniences may, for
example, be marked with the groom's initials and sent
in good time to that gentleman's home. This course.

214 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

however, is not frequently followed, despite the fact
that there is nothing to be urged against it as regards
justice and appropriateness.

It all depends upon the groom's wishes whether
the best man shall lend assistance in planning and pre-
paring for the wedding journey, in procuring the ring
and the license, and in the settlement of the many
business and social details involved in so important an
event. Assuredly the best man is required to place
his time and services wholly at his friend's disposal. If
there is no wedding rehearsal, he will still do well to
familiarize himself as far as possible with the role he is
to enact in the ceremony and especially take care to
make exact disposition of the ring and the minister's
fee. When the ceremony is to be elaborate he will play
the part of a good friend by gaining such knowledge
of it in advance that he will be able to prompt or
assist the groom, should that gentleman's pres-
ence of mind desert him at the altar, as so frequently
happens.

A best man leaves the question of his conveyance
to and from the church in the hands of the groom.
The latter may wish his supporter to drive with him to
the scene of the ceremony after they have lu-nched to-
gether. Otherwise, the best man will find a carriage at
his disposal, and if he drives alone to the church he
should not fail to reach the vestry-room door at least a
quarter of an hour in advance of the bride's anticipated
arrival. To him, as a rule, is given the ring and the
fee, and these he places, the ring in his right and the
fee in his left-hand waistcoat pocket, and tne very last
moment before entering the chancel makes quite sure
they are both safe and accessible.

Seven] Wttit}iXl^ 215

The Groom and Best Man's Hats

A QUESTION that calls for consideration is —
What is the proper disposition for the best man
to make of his own and the groom's hat? One of the
best man's most obvious duties is' supposed to be the
guardianship of the groom's hat and gloves during the
ceremony, and it stands to reason that if he takes his
own hat and gloves into the chancel and also assumes
the care of his friend's belongings, he will not only pre-
sent a ludicrous spectacle as he stands through the ser-
vice with a silk hat in either hand, but when the mo-
ment for presentation of the ring arrives he will be
unable, without awkwardly laying aside at least one hat
and one pair of gloves, to fulfil his allotted and
most important office in the programme. In recent
seasons, at well ordered weddings hats have not been
carried into the chancel. In the vestry the best man
takes charge of his friend's hat and, placing it with his
own, sends them by a trusty person to the door of
the church, so that when the bridal procession files out
they may be delivered back to the owners just as they
are passing to their respective carriages. This is the
course when the best man on coming out is to walk
down the aisle with a maid of honor on his arm. At
a wedding where there is no maid of honor the best
man can, if he prefers, leave his own hat and gloves
in the vestry room, and when the ceremony is over
make his exit from the church through the vestry, to
find his carriage awaiting him at a side door. This
leaves him free to hold the groom's hat and gloves and
still present the ring and the fee.

As soon as the news of the bride's arrival before

2i6 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the church door is conveyed to the vestry-room, the
best man, walking behind both the clergyman and the
groom, enters the chancel, and facing the congrega-
tion, stands at the left of his friend and outside the
communion rail. If a portion of the service is spoken
at the foot of the chancel steps, the best man follows
the groom when the latter goes forward to meet the
bride, standing a step in the rear. When the couple
go up into the chancel for their final vows, he again
follows, and remains a pace behind the groom. An-
ticipating the moment the ring is to come into re-
quisition, he advances and places it in his friend's
hand, and at the conclusion of the ceremony, handing
the groom his hat and gloves, he slips the envelope
containing the fee into the clergyman's hand.

If his exit is to be made with a maid of honor, he
immediately follows the bride and groom with the
maid of honor on his right arm, hands her into the
carriage directly behind that of the bride and groom,
and entering himself, the two drive to the reception.
When no maid of honor serves, the best man should
hasten from the church by the side door, and driving
by the shortest route to the home of the bride's par-
ents, anticipate the arrival of the bride and groom and
be the first to offer them a welcome and good wishes.

Quite within the scope of his duties at the wedding
reception is the task of assisting the ushers in present-
ing guests to the bride and the groom and in attending
to the wants of the women guests in the dining-room.
At a wedding breakfast he takes the maid of honor or
the first bridesmaid to a seat at the bridal table.
Toward the conclusion of the reception or breakfast,
or as soon as the bride and groom leave the room to

Seven] Wtyt}iXl^ a«7

make ready for their journey, he drives to the dock or
railway station from which they are to take their de-
parture.

Where the arrangement of the wedding journey has
been confided to his nands, he secures the proper state-
rooms, seats, or sleeping-coach section several days in
advance; orders flowers, fruit, and current literature for
the diversion of the travelers ; sees that their checked
luggage is safely on board and their hand luggage
properly placed ; gives the groom the tickets and
Itinerary, and waits to bid him and his bride godspeed
and wave them adieu.

The services of a best man seem nowadays essen-
tial for a home wedding. Driving with the groom to
the bride's home, he accompanies his friend to the
room set apart for their use and there awaits the signal
of the bride's readiness. He then follows the groom
to the drawing-room, and fulfills his part of the cere-
mony precisely as laid down in the foregoing para-
graphs. No hats are carried into the drawmg-room to
harass the mind of the best man ; and at the conclu-
sion of the ceremony he proceeds to employ himself as
set forth in the directions for a wedding reception or
breakfast.

A best man who is keenly alive to all the refine-
ments of etiquette calls upon the bride's mother a
fortnight after the wedding at which he has served, and
upon the bride and groom as soon as they return from
their honeymoon. If he feels any doubt as to the

E roper form in which to offer his felicitations to the
ride and groom he may safely say to the former, Lef
me offer hearty good wishes for your life-long happiness.
To the groom, The congratulations of an envious bache-

2i8 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

lor be on your beady my dear fellow. Tou have secured
the capital prize in life's lottery. Or, // is impossible to
wish you any greater good fortune than you have bad to-
day y or to offer you congratulations more sincere than mine.

The Ushers

USHERS receive all directions as to their conduct
at a wedding from the bride or her mother. A
man who has consented to serve as an usher should
make an effort to appear at the wedding rehearsal, if
one is called. He must send the bride a gift, and on
the day of the marriage be at the church at least twenty
minutes before the doors open, in order to seat the
prompt guests.

On those gentlemen who are appointed head ushers
falls the duty of taking note, before the doors are opened,
that the decorations, the lights and the ventilation
are properly arranged, and that the organist has arrived
and knows what music is to be played. If a white
ribbon is to be used, the ushers calculate the number
of pews that must be reserved and stretch the ribbon
at tne proper place across the centre aisle. The bride
supplies a yard or two of satin ribbon ; to either end of
the ribbon a weight is fastened, and the weights, placed
in the ends of opposite pews, hold the ribbon quite
taut and firm. If reserved seats are not barred off by
a ribbon, the head ushers take every precaution to keep
clear a few pews at the top of the centre aisle for the
use of the families of the bride and groom.

In case a close canvass has been made of the fami-
lies concerned and the bride has drawn up a list of the
persons destined for the seats of honor, it is every
usher's duty to try and familiarize himself in some

Seven] Wttft^tXl^ "9

measure with the names on the list, so as not to force a
wedding guest to stand awkwardly waiting while he
scans his paper to identify their pew numbers. Ushers
follow the general rule of seating relatives and friends
of the groom to the right of the centre aisle, and those
of the bride to the left. Ushers in the side aisles re-
quest those guests that are to sit above the white rib-
bon to appeal for seats to the gentlemen serving in the
centre aisle. At very fashionable weddings the usher
gives his right arm to every lady whom he escorts to a
pew. This courtesy, however, is sometimes difficult
of graceful execution, when a woman is accompanied
by a man or when several ladies arrive at the church
together. Then the usher merely bows to indicate his
readiness to serve, asks how many there are in the
group, and walks beside the party or precedes them
up the aisle and inquires whether they are friends of
the bride or of the groom. To a lady arriving alone
he can most appropriately offer his arm, and he may
ask her name, if that is necessary to satisfy himself as
to her proper location.

On the appearance of the bride's mother, a
head usher gives her his arm to her seat. And when
the first carriage of the bridal party arrives, the head
ushers order the central front doors of the church
closed and the centre aisle swiftly cleared, and while
the head ushers go into the vestibule to greet the bride
and her maids, the assistant ushers stand so as to pre-
vent any guests from entering the centre aisle.

As soon as the vestibule doors are opened and the
head ushers advance into the aisle, the assistant ushers
fall into ranks behind them, walking two and two, and
all proceed to such positions in the chancel as the bride

220 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

and her mother have appointed for them and they
have usually learned at rehearsal. When after the
ceremony the bride and groom pass down the aisle to
their carriage, the ushers step forward in order, one
after another, to meet the bridesmaids, and then each
with a young lady on his arm follows in the steps of
the bridal couple. Driving to the scene of the bridal
festivity, each one in the company of a bridesmaid,
they hasten to offer good wishes to the bride, and
felicitations to the groom are made in some such form
as, Let me congratulate you on your happiness and good
for tune y Mr. Blank, or. Congratulations, my dear fellow, on
the best dafs work of your life.

The Ushers at a Wedding Reception

AS soon as guests begin to appear the ushers turn
their attention to seeking out those who may
be strangers to the bride or groom, and taking them
up for introductions. With this in view they gather
near the drawing-room door and are privileged to
address strangers as well as friends. To a woman
guest an usher may say. Can I assist in finding a way
for you to the bride f or Have you met Mrs. Blank ?
May I introduce you f Please give me your name f He
is at liberty, furthermore, to offer her his arm, and can
quickly overcome any formality by such kindly, con-
ventional little sentences as, / really think you will find
my arm of assistance ; this is a formidable crowd; or, fVere
not you at the church ? I think I had the pleasure of find--
ing a seat for you.

The briefest possible introduction is best when pre-
senting strangers to a bride at a crowded reception.
It will be sufficient to say, Mrs. Blank, let me present

Seven] Wtt(tiiU^ 221

Miss or Mrs. Blank, Mrs. is most anxious to

meet you.

A conscientious usher, at the conclusion of every
introduction hurries back to his post of duty at the
door, after saying to the person he has presented to the
bride, Pray excuse me, or / see I am still needed at the
door ; will you excuse me ?

When the majority of the guests have arrived,
every usher is at liberty to seek out his special women
friends and accompany them in turn to the dining-
room and help to serve them there. He is not obliged
to pay any special attention to the bridesmaid he ac-
companied from the church; but if a breakfast is
served he goes into the dining-room with her and finds
a place for her and himself at the bridal table.

Good by, God bless you ! Good by, a pleasant voyage
to yoUy or Good luck go with you ! are the civil forms
of farewell to a bride and groom from an usher.
When their carriage has disappeared, the ushers take
formal leave of the bride's parents before quitting the
house. To call upon the bride's mother within the
month following the wedding is a courteous attention,
and one which every usher should endeavor to pay.

The Duties of the Bridesmaids

THE bridesmaid and maid of honor must yield
unquestioningly to the taste of the bride con-
cerning the color, mode of making, and all the appoint-
ments of their wedding dresses. If the bride wishes a
special modiste to be employed for these costumes,
they must make every effort to accept her dictation,
just as they are privileged to receive from a rich and
generous bride, if that is her desire, their toilets com-

^^^ Rncycloptedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

plete, including all the elegant little etceteras, as a fine
gift. A bridesmaid sends an appropriate present to
the friend she is to serve. She must take pains to at-
tend the rehearsal for the ceremony, if one is ap-
pointed. She will be asked to view the bridal gifts.
A bouquet from the groom and a pretty trinket From
the bride are souvenirs of the occasion that fall to the
lot of every bridesmaid; and on the day of the wed-
ding she may also expect to have a carriage placed at
her disposal by the bride's parents. In this she drives
first to the bride's home, and there waits — in her car-
riage — along with the other bridesmaids until the
bride, accompanied by her father, enters her own car-
riage. Then, preceding the bride, the maids are
driven to the church and assemble in the vestibule.
There the procession forms and they, walking two and
two, proceed up the aisle, maintaining a measured and
dignified pace and carrying their bouquets before them.
They advance to the altar and take the positions already
described. The maid of honor walks alone, directly
before the bride, and at the altar stands on the left and
a few steps in the rear of her friend.

When a maid of honor serves, to her falls the task
of holding the bride's bouquet and glove when the ring
is to be placed on her finger, and these she restores at
the close of the service. When the service is finished
she advances a little to meet the best man who oflFers
her his arm. In it she places her left hand, and the
two move down the chancel steps and follow the
bride and groom out of the church. After them, the
bridesmaids and ushers meet, the young ladies
leaning on the arms of the gentlemen, and so follow,
all taking carriages at the door, in the order and man-

Seven] WttftiiU^ ^^3

ner already described, and driving away to the scene of
the reception or breakfast.

On entering the room where the bride and groom
stand to greet tneir friends, every maid bestows on the
bride an affectionate kiss, with some proper words of
congratulation. Then some simple, cordial words of
felicitation are spoken to the groom.

A pretty wedding custom, and one nearly always
followed, is that of grouping the bridesmaids in a semi-
circle just beyond that point where the newly wedded
couple stand to receive good wishes and congratula-
tions. Every bridesmaid holds her bouquet in her
gloved hands, and aids in forming a sort of glittering
train to the important stars of the occasion, while she
smiles and bows to those whom she knows in the line
of guests moving forward to do homage to the bride
and groom. After a half hour this grouping breaks
up and the maid of honor and her sister maids are at
liberty to move about seeking their friends, or to pass
into the dining-room for refreshments. At a ceremon-
ious breakfast, luncheon or supper, the bridesmaids are
expected to enter the dining-room, each attended
by one of the ushers, and take their appointed seats at
one of the tables especially devoted to the bridal party.

Unless requested to do so by the bride, her maids
do not follow to her room when her wedding gown is
to be exchanged for a traveling suit, but await her re-
appearance in the hallway. There, with a kiss and a
word of good wishes for a happy journey, they bid her
good by. To call upon the bride's mother a week or
ten days after the wedding, and upon the bride as soon
as she is settled in her husband's home, are social obli-
gations not to be overlooked.

224 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

When a young lady serves as bridesmaid or maid
of honor at a home wedding, she drives in full toilet to
the bride's residence. On her arrival she goes at once
to a dressing-room, lays aside her wraps, and when all
is in readiness precedes or follows the bride and her
father down the stairs, and thereafter performs her
duties in the same way as at a church ceremony.

Second Marriages

WHETHER solemnized at her home or in
church, a woman's second marriage is conducted
on a much less elaborate scale than her first, though in
many details it may be carried out on very nearly the
same lines. At her second marriage a bride does not
have bridesmaids, does not wear a white veil, a white
gown or orange blossoms, and does not have flower
girls or pages. But if it is a church wedding, ushers
are appointed ; the bride is given away by her father,
her brother or a masculine friend ; and a maid of honor
may precede her to the altar.

If the second marriage takes places shortly after
mourning for the first husband is put off, an instinct
of good taste counsels a quiet morning or afternoon
ceremony, in the presence of only intimate friends and
near relatives, followed by a reception. If after a
number of years of widowhood a woman remarries
under conspicuously happy auspices, with the cordial
approval of her children and friends, she can indulge
her preference for an ornate ceremony by filling the
church with her friends, wearing a brilliant gown, and
celebrating her happiness by a reception or breakfast
to follow. At a second marriage, as at a first, the
bride or her family bears all the expenses of her wed-

Seven] WttttiiXi^ 225

ding ; and for gifts received a bride, at a second mar-
riage as at a first, returns thanks promptly by means
of notes.

In event of a breakfast, supper or reception given
in her own home or that of her parents, the bride fol-
lows exactly the same course as when first a bride.
Should both the ceremony and the reception take place
in a private house, the course followed is just the same
as that already outlined in the chapter on home wed-
dings. Unless her second marriage excites the deep
disapproval of her first husband's family, the bride
should send them invitations to the wedding and give
them seats above the white ribbon.

It is usual to put off both the first wedding ring
and the first engagement rings, when a second betrothal
takes place. A man on making a second marriage
follows precisely the same etiquette as that which he
observed at his first wedding. He does not, it is true,
give a farewell dinner to his bachelor friends ; but in all
other respects, the etiquette is the same in detail as that
given in the paragraphs devoted to the duties of a
groom.

Wedding Anniversaries

THE order of wedding anniversaries runs as fol-
lows : First vear — paper; fifth — ^wooden; tenth
— tin; twelfth — leather; fifteenth— crystal; twentieth —
china; twenty-fifth — silver; thirtieth — ivory; fortieth —
woolen; forty-fifth — silk; fiftieth — golden; and seventy-
fifth — diamond. It has now become distinctly the
custom to overlook all the anniversaries * until the
first quarter of a century of married life has been
passed.

226 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

** Silver wedding" celebrations are frequent and may
be charming social functions. There are divers ways
of marking the twenty-fifth anniversary. To give a
reception is most usual; to give a dinner party is next
in favor; and to give a dance, following a dinner party
or evening reception, is quite popular where there are
unmarried daughters. But now and then the " silver
wedding" is recognized in a more modest way — rela-
tives and intimate friends only being invited to a small
at home, or to a small family dinner party.

At a reception, a husband should assist his wife in
receiving; and if a dinner party is given, it quite agrees
with the sentiment of the occasion for him to lead the
way to the dining-room with his wife on his arm and
for her to occupy a seat at his right hand, as she may
have done at their wedding breakfast of long ago.
Husbands there are who object to occupying so promi-
nent a position, and prefer tnat the usual precedence at
dinner parties should not be departed from. At an
anniversary dinner there are few variations from the
rules for ordinary dinner parties as given in chapter
four. The decorations should be white and green with
silver, and bouquets of white flowers should be placed
at every cover for the ladies, with boutonnieres for the
men. If a guest drinks to the health of the happy
pair, they smile and bow their thanks; and the husband
is at liberty, if he has the desire and gift, to make a little
speech expressive of his happiness and sweetened with
grateful and graceful sentiments concerning his wife.

If a dance is given, the husband and wife dance the
first lancers together, the other couples including as
many of the original bridal attendants as it is possible
to gather together.

Seven] Wttft^tXt^ ^^7

It is usual to cut an elaborate iced fruit cake at a
silver wedding. The handsome loaf may appropriately
bear the year of the first wedding and that of the
anniversary, with the entwined monograms of the wife
and husband. It is cut by the wife — at a reception,
any time after a majority of the guests have arrived
— at a dinner, when dessert is brought on. Cham-
pagne is usually poured at a weddmg anniversary.
When many invitations have been issued and a large
number of gifts are received, the silver souvenirs, with
the cards of the givers attached, are displayed in a
room set apart for the purpose while the reception is
in progress.

The Golden Wedding

IT is given to few persons to commemorate fifty
years of married life; and because of its rarity a
"Golden Wedding" is the fitting title that the festivity
bears. This romantic and touching custom is of Ger-
man origin, but it has taken root in American soil to
become nationally accepted, and the couple who cele-
brate their golden wedding usually make it the occa-
sion of a great family reunion at an elaborate dinner,
after which a reception is held. Not infrequently,
however, the aged couple prefer an afternoon reception
on purely conventional lines, receiving, with their
children and grandchildren about them, in a drawing-
room decked with yellow flowers.

Sending Bridal Gifts

WEDDING gifts are sent to a bride-elect within
three weeks or a fortnight of the day set for
her marriage. The friends of the bride and groom do

228 Rncycloptedta of Etiquette [Chapter

not wait to see if an invitation to the wedding is forthr
coming before sending suitable bridal gifts. Merc
pleasant visiting acquaintances of the families or the
couple about to be united, do well sometimes to wait
and see whether they are asked to a wedding before
forwarding any presents. This is not an instance of
cold calculation but a course prompted by genuine
delicacy. A wedding gift from a person who has
never been entertained by the bride, groom or their
families is often regarded as a liberty and sometimes
as a demand for a wedding card. As soon as an in-
dividual thus in doubt receives a card, a pleasant assur-
ance is given and the gift may then be dispatched.

When wedding cards, extending an invitation
to witness merely the church ceremony, arc received
by one who acknowledges only the most formal ac-
Quaintance with the bride or groom, or either of their
families, there rests no obligation to send a gift. It
would be perfectly proper to send one if the recipient
of the cards wished to and many persons feel that the
receipt of such cards calls for one. The obligation is
indeed binding when the cards include an invitation to
the reception or breakfast, as well as the church.

Many sensible persons who receive cards to the
church from a bride or groom with whom only a
recent and slight acquaintance is claimed, follow the
middle course of sending the bride on her wedding
day a box, basket or bouquet of flowers, accompanied
by a card bearing congratulations.

A physician is not required to send a wedding gift
on the marriage of a member of a family in which he
has long been the chief medical adviser, unless cards
to both church and house are sent him, or unless he

Seven] l^ttltltUSfiS 2*9

enjoys social as well as professional connections with
the family.

Persons in mourning send wedding presents, though
they are not able to attend either the religious cere-
mony or reception. Those who feel themselves under
obligations to the family of a bride or groom or who
have received substantial favors from either of the con-
tracting parties, are privileged to send a wedding pres-
ent even when very slightly acquainted with the bride
or groom or their relatives. If the recipient of a wed-
ding invitation is traveling abroad or is living a great
distance from the scene of the wedding, a bridal pres-
ent must be ordered and forwarded to the bride as
conscientiously as if the giver purposed to be present
at the ceremony.

Those who wish to send gifts to a couple celebra-
ting either their silver or golden wedding — ^and let it
be borne in mind that such gifts are nearly always ex-
pected — must forward their silver or golden contribu-
tion some days in advance of the festivity. The parcel
containing the gift should be addressed to the husband
and wife and be accompanied by the donor's visiting
card bearing a written message of congratulation.
When gifts are marked they should, unless intended
for the use of either the husband or the wife individu-
ally, bear the initial of their surname.

Only the intimate friends and relatives of a bride
are>entitled to present their wedding gifts to her in
person. The most conventional and usually the most
convenient practice is to have the present forwarded
direct to the home of the bride-elect from the shop at
which it is purchased, together with the donor's visiting
card, on which in pencil a kindly sentiment is in-

230 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

scribed, such as fVitb sincere good wishes or fVith hearti-
est good wishes from .

When a gift is sent from a distance it should be
sent by express and the cost of its delivery prepaid.
When wedding presents are marked, it must be with
the initials of the bride's maiden name. It is not essen-
tial to have them marked, though it is more compli-
mentary to do so. But it is most imperative that all
the gifts not designed especially for the groom's indi-
vidual use be sent to the bride at her own home.
Few gifts indeed fall to the groom's share at all, since
it is courteous and reasonable for even the friends of
the groom, though they may not personally know his
bride, to honor her with these tangible proofs of their

food will and good wishes. None but members of the
ride's and groom's immediate family or their most in-
timate friends should bestow a gift in the form of
money; and bachelor friends as a rule do not present
the bride with jewels, nor with any article of wearing
apparel. When a man and wife send a wedding pres-
ent, both their names are inscribed on one card en-
closed with the present.

A wedding present sent after the marriage should
be accompanied by an explanatory note, and should
be forwarded to the bride at her husband's home.

Wedding Guests

WOMEN in deep mourning do not take con-
spicuous seats at a church wedding, tactfully
recognizing the inharmoniousness of their sombre
weeds in the gayly gowned assembly.

Arrival at a church or home wedding should be so
timed that the guest will be comfortably settled in his

Seven] ^^ttltltttjSpQS *3«

seat at least five minutes before the ceremony.
Those who know they are to sit above the white rib-
bon may, to avoid any mistake on the part of the
usher, quietly give him their names when he meets
them in the aisles, and he will promptly lead the way
to the proper pew.

It is the height of ill manners for anyone to force
or steal a place in one of the reserved pews, when he is
not intended to be there, or to complam of the seat as-
signed by the busy ushers, or to deliberately assume a
better point of vantage to the annoyance and discomfort
of others. At a church wedding, when the bridal party
is expected, a lack of breeding as well as of rever-
ence IS displayed by whispering, making signs across
the aisles to friends, waylaying the ushers with in-
quisitive questions and foolish requests, and, when the
bride has arrived, by pushing forward and standing on
stools in order to get a better view of the proceedings.
After the ceremony, no well-bred person attempts to
leave his seat until the last member of the bridal party
has passed down the aisle ; and then departure is made
as quietly as when a congregation disperses after a Sun-
day service. When arriving very late at a church
wedding it is only common consideration of others to
enter by the side door and take the nearest available
seat with the least possible disturbance.

Persons invited to the reception or breakfast fol-
lowing a church ceremony proceed directly to the
home of the bride's parents at the conclusion of the
church function. At the reception or breakfast,
women lay aside their wraps. Men leave hats, coats,
and canes in the dressing-room or hall, and drawing
off the right-hand glove, enter the room where the re-

232 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

ception is in progress behind the ladies whom they are
attending. Those guests who lack acquaintance with
the bride or the groom or both can accept the invita-
tion of an usher to make an introduction in due form.
It is quite unnecessary for a woman to require an intro-
duction to the usher who accosts her at the door with
the offer of his services. He is one of the accredited
masters of ceremonies ; therefore she is privileged to
accept his assistance, give him her name, and with him
join the line formed in the drawing-room, to be con-
ducted in her turn to the bride and groom. At a large
reception it is the guest's duty to fall into the line
moving toward them and devote every energy and at-
tention to greeting the bride and groom.

The Offering of Congratulations

BY the strict rule of etiquette, there is first an ex-
pression of good wishes to the bride and then
congratulations are extended to the groom. To reverse
this order of felicitations would be a grievous social
mistake, since the groom and not the bride is to be
congratulated.

The simplest expression of good wishes is always
preferable to attempts at high flown sentiments and
lengthy flowery sentences or quotations. At a large
reception, where many people are struggling to reach
the bride and groom, brevity is more than almost any-
where else the soul of wit, as well as of tact. One who
possesses a gift for framing graceful or clever phrases
need not consult the formulas given below for those
less gifted but none the less mindful of their social
obligations. A woman may say to a bride, Let me
wish you every happiness in your married life. To thp

Seven] WttftiiXi^ 233

groom, / must congratulate you heartily on the supreme
good fortune that is yours to-day. Or to both, I feel I
cannot wish for you both any greater happiness than you
have already found ; or, Tou both have all the happiness
good for mortals, but let me squeeze one little word more
of good wishes and congratulations into your cup of content.
A man may say to the bride, Pray accept my sincerest
good wishes ; and to the groom, / wish to offer you my
heartiest congratulations. These are approved expres-
sions of friendly feeling and are quite sufficient when
there is not time, nor perhaps the courage, for anything
farther. When a drawing-room is crowded with guests
struggling to reach the bride and groom, it is a mistake
to engage the busy couple in conversation. To the
groom's parents it is not necessary to seek an intro-
duction ; out to the mother of the bride, the true host-
ess of the occasion, a word at least of greeting must be
spoken. Rarely has she an opportunity to listen to
anything further than the formal How do you do ac-
companied, if the opportunity offers, by some kindly
and complimentary speech.

At a large reception it is not necessary, after having
spoken to the bride, the groom and the bride's parents,
to enter the dining-room or to linger any length of time,
to wait for the bride's departure, to bid her farewell, or
to take leave of her mother. Every guest may consult
his own pleasure as to how long a time he will remain.
If in haste, one may slip away quietly, immediately
after offering congratulations; or one ma v, after speak-
ing to the bride and groom, go into the dining-room
and partake of some refreshments and then go away.

When a formal breakfast or supper is served, the
guests speak first to the host and hostess, then bride

234 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

and groom, and then wait until all the bridal party
have entered the dining-room. After this, men and
women go in together and find seats at the tables as
their preference or convenience dictates.

When toasts are proposed, glasses are touched ; and
if the newly married pair leave at once for their honey-
moon, the guests crowd into the hallway to see the
departure, and then take formal leave of the hostess,
duly expressing to her their thanks for her hospitality.
If wedding cake done up in small boxes has been
placed in the hallway, every man or woman on going
out takes one box — ^and only one, unless invited by
the hostess to carry one to some friend or relative who
was unable to attend the entertainment.

The Wedding Dress for Men

THE essential dress for the groom at a wedding
celebrated in the afternoon or morning consists
of a black or dark blue frock coat, high white double-
breasted pique waistcoat or one that matches the coat
in texture, gray trousers, white linen; a full-folded white
silk or satin necktie or one having a white background
relieved by figured decoration in color, and holding a
pearl pin; gray suede gloves, patent leather shoes and
a top hat. For a night wedding, complete evening
dress is customary — namely, clawhammer coat, black
trousers and low-cut white waistcoat, with small pearl
studs in the immaculate shirt front, and a white lawn
tie around a standing collar; and also white gloves and
patent leather shoes.

To an afternoon or noon weddmg the masculine
guest wears a black frock coat, gray trousers, a waistcoat
of white pique or brown linen, or one that matches his

Seven] Wttititl^ ^35

coat ; patent leather shoes, gray gloves, white linen, a
four-in-hand. Ascot or butterfly bow tie of satin or silk
in a cheerful color, and a silk hat. At an evening wed-
ding, full evening dress is the only costume possible.
For a morning wedding, the same dress as for an after-
noon ceremony is frequently adopted ; but more suit-
able is a full suit of silver-gray wool, the coat a rather
long cutaway ; or what is known as the English walk-
ing coat. A black cutaway coat with waistcoat to
match and gray trousers is always a proper costume.
Gray gloves, patent leather or dull dongola shoes,
white linen and a broadly-folded silk or satin tie, are
the proper additions to either of these two costumes.
The best man dresses as nearly as possible like the
groom. Ushers wear for morning and afternoon wed-
dings, black frock coats, gray trousers ; white pique,
brown vesting, or black waistcoats ; gray gloves and
full-folded neckties in a dark tone of silk picked out in
a brighter brocaded pattern. The boutonnieres sent
by the bride are always worn; and also are the groom's
gifts, whether they take the shape of sleeve links or
scarf pins. Ushers usually agree among themselves to
dress as nearly alike as possible, and occasionally
ushers serve at morning weddings in black cutaway
coats and waistcoats, worn with gray trousers, or in
complete suits of gray, with cutaway coats. Ushers
remain folly gloved while serving in the aisles and tak-
ing part in the ceremony. For an evening wedding
they wear full evening dress, the various items of
which have just been set forth in describing the dress
of a groom. Ushers do not carry their hats during
the service, but leave them with some responsible per-
son in the church vestibule. This person is ready at

236 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the conclusion of the ceremony to hand every gentle-
man his headgear as the procession passes out to the
carriages. If there is no aisle procession and the
ushers go out at the rear of the church they leave their
hats in the vestry room.

Wedding Dress for Women

IT is not necessary to give directions regarding the
dress of women guests at a wedding, beyond sug-
gesting that the most elaborate afternoon reception
costume is invariably worn to a church or house wed-
ding held in the morning or the afternoon. Bonnets
are not put off at a reception or a breakfast ; gloves
are laid aside only while one is in the act of eating.
Wraps, at a reception or breakfast, are left in the hall
or the dressing-room.

At an evening wedding feminine guests wear elabo-
rate decollete toilets if they choose, or very elaborate
high -throated, long-sleeved reception toilettes without
hats or bonnets. It is not proper for those ladies who
sit above the white ribbon at a church ceremony to
appear in deep mourning. Even the mother of the
bnde ot the mother of the groom should, for the occa-
sion, put off her mourning dress for a costume of gray
and lilac, or black decorated with purple, though the
day after the wedding she may resume her mourning
weeds.

A maiden bride should dress in white and wear
a veil. There is a reprehensible tendency to-day
against the use of the veil, unless the bride is in her
first youth and her wedding is celebrated with the
pomp and circumstance of an exceedingly fashionable
tunction. This is contrary to one of the oldest and

Seven] WtVt^iXt^ 237

most charming customs which our civilization and
society has inherited, a custom not to be lightly put
aside. Even at the simplest home weddmg, and
when the bride perhaps has passed her first youth,
the white gown, the orange blossoms and the filmy
veil are essential outward signs of all the sweet dignity
and precious sentiment that characterize this most im-
portant event of her life.

Whatever the material of the wedding dress may
be its skirt should boast a train, and for a morning or
afternoon wedding the waist should be high in the
throat and long in the sleeves. For an evening wed-
ding a waist cut open in the throat and without sleeves,
is good taste, and it is optional whether the veil is worn
on or off the face. Tradition, the voice of which in
this instance should exercise great persuasive powers
with a bride, speaks, and rightly, in favor of a tulle
veil that envelopes the whole figure. There is a
modern fashion which favors the use of a lace veil
merely as a delicate drapery falling from the wearer's
high-combed hair, out upon her shoulders, and then to
her train.

A few jewels only, and those preferably the gifts of
the groom or the bride's nearest and dearest relatives,
should be worn to the altar. There is a suggestion of
vulgar ostentation in the sight of a bride who displays
the barbaric riches and splendor of ropes of pearls and
blazing diamonds on her throat and arms, in her hair,
and upon her gown.

The white glove for the left hand is usually re-
moved when the ring is placed. In order to take it
off expeditiously it is well to carefully stretch it and
try it on frequently beforehand. When the groom is

238 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

ready to place the gold circlet, the bride should rapidly
bare her hand by simply pulling her glove off inside
out. No attempt is ever made to replace it until after
leaving the church or, in case of a home wedding, until
the ceremony is over.

Though the white gown and veil is, for a maiden
bride, preferable to any other wedding dress, occasions
occur when a walking suit is the most sensible and
tastefbl costume. Bndes who are married before
twelve o'clock, or who go directly from the altar to a
train or boat, wear a becoming street dress of ladies'
cloth, veiling or silk, in a pale shade of blue, brown,
lilac, green or gray, relieved by touches of a lighter
color, and probably lace or some decoration of diaphan-
ous material near the throat. Gloves of suede or
glace kid are worn to accord in tint with the color of
the gown. A becoming toque or hat, garnished with
plumes or flowers, and a bouquet of flowers or a prayer-
book, are the chief adjuncts of this toilette.

On the occasion of a second marriage a bride wears
a traveling gown of the type just described, or, when
her wedding is elaborately celebrated in church, a hand-
some reception costume is suitable. This dress and
her bouquet must not be purely white. A toilet of
silver-gray or mauve cloth, silk, satin or velvet, set off
by trimmings of lace, embroidery or fur, seems befitting.
The skirt should be trained, the gloves white or of a
very delicate tint, and a toque or bonnet of lace and
flowers or jeweled net and tiny plumes, adds to the
dignity of the wearer's appearance.

Chapter EIGHT

llumf)eon$ antf Jlrea&fa0t$

The Invitations

FOR a formal and elaborate luncheon or
breakfast the invitations are fittingly issued
ten days in advance of the date of the en-
tertainment, and are engraved on large
square white cards, with the name of the
person invited and the day and hour written in by
the hostess' own hand. In form they are as follows :

Mrs. Leopold Tbombill Jewett

requests the pleasure of

company at luncheon \or breakfast^

at 0* clock

Five Meriden Square

Under ordinary conditions it would be enough for
the hostess, in this instance, to write beneath the en-
graved name on her ordinary calling card

Luncheon at j.jo o* clock
January third

240 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Breakfast at eleven o* clock
January fifteenth

There is also a third approved course — ^that of
writing brief notes of invitation. Such notes of invi-
tation or the personally inscribed visiting cards are sent
from five to seven days in advance of the chosen date.
The following are good forms of invitation by note :

jr Mertden Square y

February JOth^ /p — .
Dear Mrs, Hunton :

I should be very pleased if you would lunch with me on
Tuesday nexty the seventh^ at half past one o*clocky to meet my
friendy Miss Folsomy of Cleveland.

Trusting there is no prior engagement to prevent your com'-
ingy I amy

Sincerely yourSy

Caroline A* Bostwick.

S Meriden Squarcy

December lothy /j^— .
My Dear Mrs, Eads :

JVill you pardon the short notice and give us the pleasure of
your company at breakfast at eleven o^ clock on Wednesday y the
thirteenth f

Very sincerely yourSy

Caroline A, Bostwick.

Eight] l,ttttc|)eottfi; atib 3Breakfafiitfi; ^41

Answering Luncheon and Breakfast

Invitations

LUNCHEON and breakfast invitations require
prompt answers, and to one expressed as in the
first form shown, the written reply would be in the
third person, thus :

Mrs. Thomas G. Parker

accepts with pleasure

Mrs. Leopold 7*. Jewetfs

kind invitation to luncheon

on Saturday^ November the thirteenth^

at two 0^ clock

4.5 Whitman St.

Responses to invitations following the second or
third modes would be made in the form of personal
notes, briefly but cordially worded; as thus:

8 Thirlow Streety

February 2nd^ /p — .
Dear Mrs. Jewett :

It gives me great pleasure to accept your invitation to breaks
fast on January the third^ at eleven 0* clock.

Sincerely yours^

Frederick y. Warren.

JO Front Street^
February 2nd^
Dear Mrs. Bostwick :

I am extremely sorry that I am not able to accept the invitO'

242 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

tion for your luncheon on Tuesday nexty hut as luck will have ttj
I promised to take my two nieces to the matinee on that particular
afternoon^ and as their stay in town is brief and their anticipation
of this pleasure very great ^ I dare not disappoint them.

fVith many regrets believe me^

Cordially yours j

Harriet R, Hunton.

A Formal Luncheon

AN entertainment of this nature is regarded to-day
as particularly a feminine function ; and large
and formal ladies' luncheons, as elaborate in menu and
table decoration as handsome dinners, are almost pe-
culiar to fashionable life in America.

Gentlemen are assuredly not unacceptable at these
midday feasts ; but our society as yet boasts so few
masculine members who are at liberty to desert their
business during the most important hours of the day,
or who command both wealth and leisure, that the
ladies perforce lunch in one another's company ; and
they have learned to enjoy and elaborate this mode of
entertainment until it has grown to be one of the most
important and popular of the rites of hospitality.

For a ceremonious luncheon the hour is set at one,
half-past one, or two o'clock, and the hostess lays her
table and selects her menu with taste and luxurious
liberality. Occasionally very sumptuous luncheons
are spread on a number of small round tables placed
in the dining-room, and possibly also in the library,
if it opens into the dining-room. Every table seats four
guests and is adorned with its own vase of flowers and
Its own candles. The general practice, however, favors
one spacious table spread with a white damask

Eight] i^ttnci)eonsi atiti B3rea&fa£(tfii hs

cloth, and preferably a white centre-piece of lace or
drawn work, upon which is set a silver loving-cup or
a glass bowl filled with flowers. The covers are laid
as for a dinner, with the diflFerence that fewer wine-
glasses appear. The plates are also shifted and the
dishes presented as at a dinner (see chapter four, pages
88 and 92). To the left of every plate is placed
a second small decorated one, to receive the guest's
bread and butter, and small silver knives are provided
for use with these plates.

For a winter luncheon, when the day is dark, can-
delabra holding softly shaded wax or paraflfine tapers
produce the requisite light. But a warning should
here be given against over-loading a table with eccen-
tric favors, flowers laid on the cloth, sash ribbon
scarfs, etc. All such devices in decoration are discon-
tinued in obedience to a very commendable change in
popular taste. In addition to the flowers and the can-
delabra, the most attractive luncheon table bears on its
snowy surface a cut-glass or silver platter or two filled
with bonbons, candied fruits and salted almonds ; two
decanters of wine, and perhaps large salt and pepper
receptacles. The hostess brings forth her finest china,
silver and glass for the occasion ; and sometimes one
color will prevail in the choice of flowers, candle shades
and sweetmeats; but there should be no obvious
straining after this effect.

A butler in afternoon livery, assisted by a foot-
man in house livery or by one or more maids in
black gowns, white caps and white aprons, serves the
luncheon in a very well-equipped and fashionable house.
In less pretentious establishments one or two maid ser-
vants could accomplish the serving very satisfactorily.

244 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

The Menu

AT a fashionable luncheon, given in winter, the
menu, as a rule, includes oysters on the half shell,
followed by hot bouillon served in cups and a fish course
— ^usually lobster — temptingly prepared and eaten with
delicate toasted biscuit or thin slices of buttered brown
bread. A change of plates introduces timbales of
chicken or pates ; then sweetbreads with green peas,
or a filet of beef with asparagus. Maraschino punch,
served in cups of the thinnest glass, is succeeded by
game or squabs with a vegetable salad. A pudding
or ices, fruit, bonbons, coffee and liqueurs fitly conclude
the repast. To serve more than this — z, great number
of meats, a meat salad, chocolate as well as coflPee — and
pour three or four wines, is a lavishness that is neither
expected nor appreciated by the more fastidious guest.
In the matter of wines, sherry and claret are sufficient
for even an elaborate luncheon.

In summer in the country, a charming luncheon
consists of clams on ice, followed by jellied bouillon,
chops with a vegetable, mushrooms on toast, Roman
punch, broiled chicken with lettuce salad, strawberries
with ice cream, bonbons and coflPee. Sauterne and
claret, or either one of these, would be appropriate
with such a luncheon.

Sometimes at a luncheon music or recitations fol-
low the repast.

Receiving the Guests

PREPARED to meet her guests, a hostess awaits
their arrival in her drawing-room. The servant
that answers the bell directs the guests to a bed-room

Eight] Wjxn^tom anti 3Sreakfo£(t{( ^45

or the library, where they lay aside their wraps. If
the luncheon is small and yet ceremonious, this would
not be necessary ; for then the ladies would simply
leave their wraps in the hall and pass at once into the
drawing-room. As the guests enter, the hostess rises,
extends her hand in cordial greeting and is at pains to
make necessary introductions. The servant, pre-
viously instructed as to the number of persons expected,
waits until all have arrived, then warns the cook, and
the first course having been placed on the table, steps
to the door and announces that Luncheon is served.
If a guest is unusually tardy, the hostess need not
spoil the food for the others by waiting an undue
length of time ; after the lapse of fifteen minutes she
is privileged to ring the bell and direct the maid or
butler to serve the meal at once.

At a luncheon made up exclusively of ladies, the
hostess leads the way to the dining-room and leaves
her guests to identify their places by the cards placed
at every cover ; or standing by her chair she can her-
self indicate the order in which she wishes them to be
seated. At her right she seats that lady to whom she
wishes to show the greatest honor. The others she
may place in the order which she believes will dis-
cover the most congenial companionship. The food
is served first to the lady on her right. Throughout
the meal it is the hostess* duty to stimulate the conver-
sation whenever it shows signs of flagging. Not until
she is sure that the last course has been finished by
every one should she rise and lead the way to the
drawing-room. CoflFee is, as a rule, served at the
table, and the liqueurs are brought into the drawing-
room.

246 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter
A Mixed Company at Luncheon

WHEN an even number of men and women are
invited, the men are expected to lay aside
their hats, overcoats and canes in the hall ; and when
the signal to enter the dining-room is given, the host,
if he is present, leads the way with the feminine guest
of honor. The hostess indicates in what order the
other couples are to follow, and herself brings up
the rear with the gentleman who is to sit on her right.
After the fruit and bonbons have been passed, the
hostess signals to the lady at her husband's right, and
rising, leads the way for the ladies back to the drawing-
room, where coffee and liqueurs would be brought them
as at a dinner. The host would follow with the gentle-
men as soon as the coffee and cigars were finished.

This course is followed only at very stately lunch-
eons, however. Usually, since a luncheon is supposed
to be less formal than a dinner, the gentlemen would
leave the table with the ladies, foregoing their cigars
entirely ; or, in case of a summer luncheon, the whole
party adjourn together to a wide veranda, where all
take coffee together and the men enjoy their cigars.

Rising to bid her guests farewell, the hostess does
not accompany anyone farther than the drawing-room
door, though if the host is present, he attends a lady
to the hall door, orders the servant to have her carriage
called, and sometimes sees her into it himself.

Simple and Summer Luncheons

FOR a small and rather informal luncheon an
ample menu would consist of a relish, — such
as raw tomatoes scooped out, filled with minced

Eight] Cttttcjieong anti JSteafetotg ^i

meat and peppers and topped off with mayonnaise —
hot clam-broth with whipped cream, broiled chicken
and peas, a macedoine of vegetables, a mould of wine
jelly filled with fruits, bonbons and coffee.

For the summertime and in the country, where a
polished oak or fine old mahogany board is used, a
charming effect is produced by laying a beautiful square
or circular piece of fine napery lace in the centre of
the board and doilies to match under every plate and
water glass. Thus the hostess contrives to display her
handsome mahogany and yet protect it ixova stains by
heat or water.

Artificial light is not recommended for a luncheon
that is unceremonious or for luncheons given in
the spring and summer. When a hostess commands
the services of one capable waitress the service of her
midday feast should proceed in the regular courses. It
is perfectly proper for the head of the table to help one
or more of the dishes as they are placed in due order
before her. Assuming, for the sake of illustration,
that the menu given above is adopted, the courses
could be conveniently served in this way. The tomato
relish should be placed at every cover before the guests
enter the dining-room. This course disposed of, the
maid then brings the individual cups of clam broth
direct from the kitchen and, having set one before
every guest, passes to them a bowl of whipped cream.
When the broth cups are carried away, a pile of plates,
and a platter on which chops and green peas are ar-
ranged, is laid before the hostess, who serves her guests.
In the same manner she helps them to the salad and
sweet, and finally pours the tea or coffee, which is
brought to her on a large tray.

248 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter

At a simple and unceremonious luncheon, the hos-
tess may make a dainty display of her culinary accom-
plishments by preparing one or two courses on a chafing-
dish, but for a luncheon numbering more than eight
fuests this is too slow and laborious a practice. The
etter plan is for the head of the table to serve as few
dishes as possible and give all her energy and interest
to maintaming pleasant and vivacious conversation.

The Breakfast Party

A BREAKFAST may be a simple or a very
ceremonious entertainment. For a formal
breakfast twelve o'clock is the most approved hour,
and it should never take place later than half-past twelve.
Usually it includes men as well as women. The guests
are seated, as for a luncheon, at one large table, or if
they are a company of thirty or more, at a number of
small tables. The use of artificial light should be
avoided if possible; and in catering tor her friends,
a hostess may either follow a menu suitable for a
Juncheon, or may introduce a novelty by preparing, and
announcing through her invitatiorts, a typical " South-
ern," or " New England," or " Parisian " breakfast.
In spite of the suggestion of novelty thus given, it is
hardly advisable to confine a bill of fare too closely to
the kind of breakfast named ; instead of a strict New
England or Southern breakfast, for example, it is better
to have a more conventional menu and then merely in-
troduce typical dishes, such as hot corn pone, fricassee
of chicken, buckwheat cakes; doughnuts or Boston
baked beans, as a feature.

The well-selected twelve o'clock breakfast begins
with fruits : grape fruit, seeded, cut up, sugared, dashed

Eight] Cttticjieong anti Breafefagtg ^49

with Maraschino, and served in its own skin ; in spring
and summer, strawberries, peaches, or whatever fruit is
in perfect ripeness. When the fruit is especially pre-
pared, every guest on entering the dining-room should
find his or her portion in waiting, and along with it a
finger-bowl half filled with clear water in which a
blossom or two floats. After fruit, lobster, either in
chops or in some delicate croquette, is an acceptable
course. Sweetbreads in a large pastry shell, mushrooms,
or an elaborate dish of eggs can suitably succeed the fish,
followed by broiled chickens or cutlets served with
either small French peas or potatoes. A green salad,
with toasted biscuits and a creamy cheese — Brie, Neuf-
chatel or Camembert ; a pastry with game, and finally
a frozen punch, and coffee, tea, or chocolate complete
the list. Following the invariable French custom of
wine with the midday meal, claret is poured after the
fruit course ; and hot or cold bread — that is to say,
delicate, sweet, warm rolls, small, flaky, freshly baked
biscuit, toast and brown bread — are necessary accom-
paniments for every course. Radishes, olives and
salted nuts are also passed at a breakfast

Small and Early Breakfasts

MENTION must be made of a much less informal
entertainment than the above — the breakfast
given at ten, half-past ten or eleven o'clock in the
morning. Not more than ten guests are asked to this
meal, the menu is light and simple ; and the hostess,
with her finest cups, steaming copper or silver kettle
and best silver service before her, pours tea, coflFee or
chocolate for her friends. A white cloth and centre-
piece, a glass vase filled with freshest flowers, a cut-

250 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

glass tray or two holding radishes, olives and salted nuts,
silver receptacles filled with salt and pepper, and the
breakfast covers, constitute the furnishing of the table.
The best choice for the opening course is melons,
small fruits, peaches or grape fruit, to be succeeded
by small, delicately broiled fish with potatoes. Eggs,
with hot home-made bread, would suitably take the
next place, to be followed by broiled chickens, quail
or chops, according to the season, accompanied by a
cress salad, lettuce with minced apple or tomatoes with
the Italian dressing of salt and oil. Sweets are not
desirable at an early breakfast, unless the French sug-
gestion is followed by serving, as a last course, a con-
serve with cheese and crisp thin biscuit, or curds and
cream, or delicate pancakes rolled up with marmalade,
and sugared over.

Luncheon Guests

THE guests at a luncheon or break&st should
arrive as nearly as possible at the hour ap-
pointed in the invitation. It is a great rudeness to
treat such entertainments with marked informality, as
to accept and then permit a trifle, such as a shower or
a more interesting incident, to prevent attendance.
On arrival at the door, the guest should pass in at
once, saying to the servant, Mrs. Blank expects me. If
the servant does not direct the way to a cloak-room,
a woman guest leaves her wrap and parasol in the hall ;
a man his hat, cane, overcoat and gloves.

At the table a woman takes off her gloves and
either unpins and removes, or merely pushes back her
veil. After luncheon, in the drawing-room, the gloves
are resumed at leisure, and the veil is replaced when

wraps are resumed. A guest may linger from one-half
to a full hour after luncheon or breakfast, and in taking
formal leave of the hostess expresses uneflflisive
pleasure in the entertainment provided.

Dress for Luncheons and Breakfasts

THE suitable dress for a large and ornate
luncheon, for the woman guest as well as for
the hostess, is simply the best afternoon costume she
possesses. In winter this would consist of a high-
necked and long-sleeved toilet of silk, velvet, or cloth,
trimmed with lace, fur, embroidery, etc.; and for a
guest, delicate shoes, a rather brilliant hat or bonnet
and white or light-colored gloves. In summer, a gay
and becoming toilet of taffeta, foulard or organdie, a
graceful fiower-trimmed hat, light gloves, carriage
shoes and a bright parasol, are proper. A man's dress
for a sumptuous luncheon is, in winter, a black frock-
coat and waistcoat to match the coat, and gray trousers;
white linen, a broadly folded tie in rich colors, patent
leather shoes, a high hat and rather heavy gray gloves.
For a breakfast at twelve, the costume is the same as
for a luncheon; for an earlier breakfast, a complete
morning suit in brown or blue; the coat sack in shape.
The linen is pure white, or a colored shirt can be worn,
with a four-in-hand or bow tie, derby hat, walking

frloves, and black lustreless leather shoes. To summer
uncheons and breakfasts, a man may wear white duck
or very light striped flannel trousers, colored linen, a
white waistcoat and short double-breasted blue serge or
flannel coat, or a complete suit of gray or striped sum-
mer flannels. Brown or white Oxford ties and a straw
sailor would be thoroughly in keeping with the occasion.

Chapter NINE

Cf^eatre anti £peva

Entering and Leaving the Theatre

IN attending any public entertainment, arriving a
few moments before the performance begins is
a virtue to be carefully cultivated. When
unavoidably late, the considerate individual
lingers at the rear of the auditorium until, under
cover of applause or during an intermission, his seat
can be gained without incommoding those already in
their places.

On arriving at a play-house, a woman, unless her
wrap is a cape, should slip it off in the lobby, carry it
down the aisle on her arm and lay it over the back of
her chair. To stand before a seat after the play has
begun and pull off and fold up a cloak, is a cruel in-
justice to those about her. Hat and veil are to be
removed after being settled in the seat, and are put
under the chair or placed in the lap. All these belong-
ings are to be resumed only after the curtain has fallen
for the last time — they may be resumed as convenience
dictates, either in the seat or in the lobby.

A man in the company of ladies, in entering a
theatre allows them to precede him in passing the
ticket-taker's wicket; then he secures the requisite
number of programmes, gives the usher his coupons.

Clieatre anti <^era ^ss

and again gives the ladies precedence, following them,
hat in hand, down the aisle. Unless he checks his
coat and hat in the lobby, he takes ofF both in the ves-
tibule, or removes the latter before reaching his seat.
He deposits his hat under the chair, and his coat he
folds across his knees or places on the back of his
seat. When the usher, having indicated the scats,
returns the coupons, he slips them into his waistcoat
pocket ; for in the event of any mistake arising they
may be useful.

Quiet and Considerate Behavior

TALKING should not be indulged in during
the progress of the play or opera. The inter-
missions give adeauate opportunities for conversation,
and the person who talks during the performance, if
only in whispers, or who rattles a programme or beats
time to the music, cannot fail to prove annoying to the
people about him. And it is eminently proper, when
seated near anyone who indulges in any of these
unpleasing pastimes to the extent of interfering with
one's pleasure, to turn and very quietly say : tVill yoUy
as a great favor ^ not speak quite so loud? It is ill-bred
continually to look behind one, frequently to scan the
audience through glasses, to point to persons or objects
of interest or to speak in pantomime to friends seated
at a distance. A gentleman at a public entertainment
never testifies his appreciation of sood music or acting
by stamping his feet and whistling; a woman ex-
presses pleasure in approval by hearty hand-clapping,
nothing more. Where applause becomes an intoler-
able hmdrance to the progress of a performance, it is
easy to express disapproval by sharply hissing.

254 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

The Theatre Bonnet

A REALLY considerate woman takes off her hat or
bonnet before the curtain rises or forbears to wear
any head-dress at all. For either a man or a woman
seated behind an individual whose head-gear obstructs
the view of the stage, it is perfectly proper to lean for-
ward and say gently, PardoHy madam^ but may I ask as a
great favor that you will remove your hat? To fail to
comply would be unmannerly in the extreme. No
woman, however, will be apt to deny the request, and
as soon as she nods her head in assent, or begins to
pull out the long pins, the person who made the re-
quest should briefly express his thanks.

A Reprehensible Habit

MOVING restlessly in and out of an auditorium be-
tween the acts is a masculine indulgence of rest-
lessness that is quite as annoying as stage-obscuring hats.
The man who accompanies a woman to the theatre —
his wife, mother, sister or friend — plainly announces that
he bears no shadow of a title to the name of gentleman
by frequently deserting her. If he leaves his seat
^ more than once during a performance he should not
come back to it again. If he is sitting between aisles
and wishes water or a programme, an usher will serve
him. A gentleman alone or with only men friends, and
possessing an aisle seat, is at more liberty to come and
go ; but if he occupies an inside seat with strangers on
either side of him and decides to go out for any reason,
he will apologize for the trouble caused, make his way
out, and then witness the rest of the play standing at
the back.

Nine] dieatre anti ^era ^ss

In a Theatre or Opera Box

THE coupons for seats in a box are given to an
usher at the door and the gentlemen of the
party follow the ladies, who are preceded by the ushen
Arrived at the box, both men and women remove
their wraps in the small anteroom, and then the women
enter the box first, taking the chairs at the front.

Chaperons and matrons precede the younger
women, or at least are given the first choice of seats,
though the elder ladies as a rule resign to the debu-
tantes the pleasure and privilege of occupying the chairs
nearest the rail. The men find their seats behind the
ladies. At the conclusion of the performance, the
members of the party resume their wraps in the ante-
room.

Calling at the Theatre or Opera

WOMEN as well as men are privileged to move
about the play-house between the acts and greet
and talk briefly with their friends, but only when the lib-
erty of a box or aisle seat is enjoyed. Calling is very freely
indulged in between the occupants of opera boxes, but
men, as a rule, more frequently avail themselves of this
privilege than women. Ir the box door is closed on arriv-
ing berore it, the courteous proceeding is to knock. If
there are portieres only, separating the box from the
corridor, then the proper method is to enter quietly
and greet that occupant with whom friendship is
claimed.

If a caller is known only to a lady who is a guest
in the box, she must introduce him — if to no one else,
in any event to the chaperon and host or hostess of the

256 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

occasion. These introductions are not formal, nor do
they necessitate subsequent recognition on either side.
The caller bows in response to the presentation, and
stands or sits behind the ladv to whom he talks. If
the box is full and other callers are coming and going,
it is hardly considerate to linger more than three or four
minutes. Should there be no particular reason for a
quick departure the caller may stay throughout the
intermission, but must retreat when the curtain begins
to rise, unless very warmly pressed by the host or
hostess to remain.

A gentleman invited to enjoy the hospitality of a
lady's box at the opera or theatre does not leave his
hostess more than once and then only during an inter-
mission, for but a few moments. He never remains out
of her box during an act or even a part of it, and if
called out, he returns before the act begins ; and he
must not leave her box at all, unless some other gen-
tleman drops in to take his place for the moment he is
away. When a lady enters a box where there are men,
they all, even the owner of the box, rise until she finds
a chair, or if she only comes in to chat a moment
with the hostess, remain standing.

A gentleman who occupies an orchestra chair is
privileged, if he possesses an aisle seat, to move across
the house and talk to a woman friend sitting also on or
very near the aisle. He stands but a moment unless
her escort offers him the use of his own seat until the
curtain rises again. The lady called upon introduces
her visitor to her chaperon and her escort. A man occu-
pying orchestra stalls with a lady is not privileged to de-
sert her in order to call upon his friends unless someone
comes up to have a moment's conversation with her.

Nine] Cfieatre anti ^pera ^57

Dress at the Theatre and Opera

FOR a gentleman, when accompanying ladies to the
theatre, opera or a concert, whether seats in
a box or the orchestra are to be occupied, the proper
costume is that described as appropriate for a ball or a
formal dinner party. When a gentleman attends the
opera with a man friend, he may assume the privilege
of substituting a short-skirted dinner-jacket for the
swallow-tail evening coat, and with this a felt hat, a
black silk or satin bow tie and a waistcoat that matches
his coat is worn. The dinner jacket should never be
seen at the theatre when the wearer makes one in a
theatre party or accompanies a lady not nearly related to
him. With a long-tailed evening coat, a stiff silk top
hat or a black opera hat with collapsible crown are
equally suitable, though the latter is more convenient.
Men who observe all the best fashions in dress wear
white kid gloves to the opera and throughout the
evening ; these are not, however, obligatory, and at the
theatre are not often seen. If dark gloves are worn to
the play house they are put off and on with the hat
and overcoat.

The woman who attends an evening performance
at the theatre wears a high-necked and long-sleeved
gown of handsome texture and elaborate decoration —
such a costume, in fact, whether of silk, velvet, net or
lace, as would appear to advantage at an afternoon re-
ception. Her hair should be carefully and becomingly
dressed ; and her shoes should be delicate and her
gloves white or of a very pale color. And even for
one who is to occupy an orchestra chair at the opera,
this same kind or costume is entirely suitable, but

2s8 Kncyclopcadia of Rtiquette [Chapter

many women in that case prefer to wear such a toilet
as is requisite when a seat in a box is occupied. For
an opera box a sown of becoming color, rich fabric,
and cut low in the neck and short in the sleeves is
considered appropriate ; white satin and diamonds are
none too elaborate for a performance of " Faust " or
" Lohengrin ** as witnessed from a box.

Chaperonage at the Theatre and Opera

IN strict society it is contrary to the social law for an
unmarried woman to attend the theatre in com-
pany with a man without a chaperon. A man must
not, in fact, ask a woman to be his guest at a public
entertainment without asking her to select her chaperon
or without himself inviting others who can fulfil this
office. This wise and important law is sometimes set
aside in behalf of men and women who are excellent
fi4ends of long standing, and who, while living in a
most conservative and self-respecting social world, are
not trammeled by the fixed rules that properly guide
and govern young people in fashionable society.

All theatre or opera parties must have a recognized
chaperon, and a dignified married woman is the proper

choice.

A party of young unmarried people should not
occupy a box or orchestra seats, and afterwards sup at
a restaurant, without the presence of a chaperon.

The duties of a lady asked to chaperon a theatre
party are to arrive promptly at the rendezvous ar-
ranged, to be cheerful, amiable and, above all things,
dignified. She may expect to be introduced to all the
members of the party whom she does not know and
to receive many attentions from the host ; and she

Nine] Cl^eatre anti ^era ^59

must not leave the young ladies under her care until
she has seen them all safely delivered at their doors, or
knows that they will be returned home under reliable
escort.

Entertaining at Theatre or Opera

WHEN a theatre or opera party is in contempla-
tion, the host or hostess of the occasion
should try to engage an equal number of men and
women as guests, must decide whether the evening's
entertainment shall begin with a dinner or end with a
supper, and should issue the invitations from five to
ten days ahead of the evening fixed upon. Engraved
invitations are never employed for such hospitality. A
bachelor may, if he chooses, issue verbal invitations,
though brief notes answer the purpose very much
better.

To write designating the night and hour and the
character of the performance and, if it is an opera,
dropping a hint as to whether the seats will be in a box
or in the orchestra, is a good rule to follow. The fol-
lowing are approved forms :

50 Dean Street^

December J thy ip — .
Afy dear Miss Edwards:

Can you not make one in a small party on Friday night for
the Criterion^ where Tree is playing Hamlet ? My sister ^ Mrs.
Fellow Sy is to be the chaperon. We are six in all^ provided we
may claim the pleasure of your company ^ and if you are free to join
us I will call for you with my sister at y:jo 0^ clock on the above
mentioned evening.

Believe me very sincerely yoursy

Henry G, Barrows.

26o Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

4.6 Beech Street^

January gth^ /p — .
My dear Miss yohnsm :

It would give me great pleasure to have you dine with me on
Tuesday evening and go afterwards to hear ^^Faust** at the Metro-
politan^ for which performance I have been fortunate enough to
secure a comfortable box. We will dine at 6:jo in order to reach
our seats before the curtain rises.

Hoping that you are free to join my party on that evenings I
am

Cordially yours j

Emma Trovers,

The host or hostess of the party purchases the
necessary seats beforehand, getting them well toward
the front and as near together as possible, if in the
orchestra. If a box is taken, it ought not to be over-
crowded.

A bachelor in giving a theatre party may wish also
to entertain his guests at a dinner before the play. If
so, he states the fact of the dinner in his invitations,
giving not only the hour at which it will begin, but the
name of the hotel or restaurant in which the table will
be laid. If the party is very large and his guests are
asked to the opera to occupy a box, ladies will come
in full evening dress, and a private dining-room should
be rented for the occasion. For the theatre this luxury
is not necessary.

A table must be secured at the restaurant by the
host in advance. He should see the head waiter, give
him orders for any floral decorations, tell him the num-
ber of guests expected, and decide on the menu. At
the time appointed, he must be on hand in the lobby

Nine] Clieatre antj <^era 261

of the restaurant to receive his guests and see that the
ladies get such wraps as they want checked duly dis-
posed of before going in to dinner. The men of the
party naturally leave coats, hats, gloves, etc., in the
cloak-room.

The host waits until all his guests arrive, then leads
the way to the dining-room with the chaperon, but does
not offer her his arm, while the other women enter with
their escorts in the same fashion. The guests have
their seats at the table indicated to them by means of
cards placed at the covers. If guests are tardy, they
need not be waited for over five minutes ; and the host
should so time his dinner that all the dishes may be
discussed at leisure and his guests still be able to arrive
at the theatre before the curtain rises.

In all points, such a dinner is carried out on the
plan of one given in a private house. The chaperon
gives the signal for rising, and the gentlemen go out at
once with the ladies. When the party arrives at the
theatre, if the seats are in the orchestra, the host indi-
cates in what order they shall be occupied, taking him-
self the one nearest the aisle and usually placing the
chaperon beside him.

It is the best plan, when a man gives a large theatre
party, to secure an omnibus specially for the evening
and have it call first at the house of the chaperon, then
at the house of the other guests, and so collect and
bring the entire party to the restaurant, or, if no din-
ner precedes the play, directly to the theatre. This
arrangement the host must mention in his invitations,
and the omnibus, being on hand at the conclusion of
the performance, drives about the city, leaving guests
at their respective doors.

262 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

For a less elaborate and less expensive style of
theatre party the host either awaits his guests in the
theatre lobby with the tickets or sends them to the
persons invited, who provide their own mode of con-
veyance to and from the playhouse and find their way
to the box or seats that have been engaged. As the
guests appear singly, or in groups, the host or hostess
of the occasion rises to offer greetings.

Guests at a Theatre or Opera Party

A PRO MPT answer should be given to an invi-
tation and punctuality observed in complying
with all the host's or hostess' directions as to time,
place, etc. When the party breaks up, pleasure and
thanks must be expressed to the giver of the enter-
tainment for the hospitality enjoyed.

On arriving at a restaurant, before or after the play,
a woman should leave her wrap in the cloak-room,
unless it is a very small, light one that she prefers to
keep about her shoulders. She does not remove her
bonnet and veil and gloves. At the table she unpins
her veil, if she wears one, or merely pushes it off her
face, re-adjusting it at the conclusion of the meal.
Her gloves she begins to take off direct! y she is seated
at the table, and draws them on again before rising.

Chapter TEN

l^tBtttng anti ^ou0e parties

Invitations

A WELL-WORDED note offering the
hospit^ilities of one's roof for two days,
or for two weeks, should, with special ex-
ceptions, explicitly stipulate the exact
dates on which it will . be most con-
venient to welcome the coming and speed the part-
ing guest

Such vague and indefinite terms as fVill you
stop with us over the Fourth of Jufyy or Can you
not give us the pleasure of your company for a few
days next week, serve but to puzzle the recipient of
the note and convey a doubtful compliment. Not
infrequently a hostess asks a friend to fix for himself
the time and length of a visit, or names two or three
dates on which she will be at liberty to receive him.
But ordinarily it is not only no discourtesy, but a kind-
ness and a compliment, for the hostess to designate the
day and hour wnen she will be best prepared to receive
her friend and she may also specify the boat or train
on which the visitor shall come.

It is a thoughtful precaution usually for a hostess

264 Esficyclopcadia of Etiquette [Chapter

to drop a hint in her invitation as to any special
gaieties she has arranged for the diversion of her visitors,
beside a word or two as to the others who make up
her invited family. The following may serve as
models for letters inviting visitors :

Rocky Pointy

yune 2ist^ ip — .
Afy dear Mist Lam :

We an planning to entertain a few congenial souls during
the week of the Fourth^ and I hope you can arrange to come to us
on the first and remain until the eighth, fessie Brown and her
brother^ the Mynells and one or two others have promised^ so only
your presence is needed to complete our party and our pleasure. If
you can come^ I suggest your taking the //.,l^ train on the ist^ at
the Baxter Street Station, That will bring you and your luggage
straight through to Clifftmvn^ where I will meet you. We have
our boat in commitsion^ and several dances on hand^ so that yacht~
ing frocks and evening gowns will be needed.

Trusting that nothing will arise to prevent your comings I
am as always^

Sincerely yours^

Mabel A, y anew ay,

Westover^
fune lothy ig — .
Dear Mr, Torrence :

We are entertaining Sir Felix and Lady Carr of Scotland

for a few days^ and should be glad if you could stop over with us

from Saturday to Monday next week, to meet these very agreeable

people and afford us a glimpse of yourself Mr, Reynolds will

meet you at the j P, M, train with the trap and drive you over

to the Green Knoll Clubhouse^ where we will be having tea and

Ten] ^tgtttng ant> j^ge yartteg 265

celibrating the finals of our golf tournament. I need hardly say
how pleased we shall be to see you.

Sincerely yours^

Eva R, Reynolds*

Oatlands^

May 2pthj ip — .
Dear Mrs. Green :

Cannot you and Mr. Green spare us a few days of your
agreeable company before sailing for Europe? fFe are quite
settled in our new homCy the country is looking its very best^ and
my husband can promise Mr. Green some admirable golfing. Do
think this over and give us^ if you can^from Friday to Monday
of next week.

Cordially yours^

Theodora H. Campbell.

Answering Invitations for House

Parties

WHEN in a hostess' note of invitation dates,
' trains, etc., are not specified, the person in-
vited is at liberty, in event of acceptance, to undertake
the responsibility of arranging these details, leaving
the choice, however, subject to alteration at the hostess'
suggestion. An answer to an invitation to stop in a
country or town house should be given very promptly
and decisively when a formal house party is in contem-
plation, or when the person inviting is any but a rather
mtimate friend. The following are proper forms of
answer to the letters of invitation already set forth :

266 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

12 yefferson Avenue^

June 23y /p — .
My dear Mrs. Janeway :

I am charmed to say I see nothing to prevent my acceptance
of your quite irresistible invitation. I shall be so pleased to renew
my acquaintance with the Browns and the Mynellsy and I accept
your advice as to trains^ etc.

With kindest regards^ I am sincerely yours^

Ethel G. Dana.

6 Broad Street^

June I2th^ ip — .
Dear Mrs. Reynolds :

Tou may count on me for the day and train specified in your
kind note of invitation. I am greatly delighted at the chance of
meeting Sir Felix Carr^ who^ as you know^ is a famous bibliophile
and with whom I have already enjoyed a correspondence concern^-
ing his valuable collection.

If^tth kind regards^ believe me^

Faithfully yours^

John R. Torrence.

The Formal House Party

A HOUSE party consists, strictly speaking, of
from four to twenty guests gathered in a coun-
try mansion for any term of from three days to a
fortnight. The limits of the visit are very exactly
defined in the invitations ; and the time is devoted to
the enjoyment of a round of the most agreeable, well-
planned and varied diversions that the entertainers can
provide. When a house party is given, the mistress
of a commodious country seat, according to the English
fashion, engages by notes of invitation those congenial
men and women, whom from time to timeduringtheholi-

Ten] y tgtting attt> jlottge ^rtieg ^67

days she wishes to gather under her roof. Models for
these notes are given on page 264. In country houses
where throughout the season one party of a dozen or
more guests disperses to make room for another, the
hostess keeps a book in which she carefully records
every invitation as it is sent out and the dates specified
therein, while opposite is entered a note of the reply
received. This proves always an invaluable record
and reminder, which, consulted daily, prevents miscal-
culations in preparing for and receiving the guests.

But all the regulations given here, let the reader
remember, apply not alone to the mistress of a great
country place, whose aim is to give large and brilliant
house parties and who has every luxurious appliance
for pleasure at her command. To the owner, as well,
of the pretty country cottage, who asks a friend or two
to stop over from Friday to Monday, are addressed
the following recommendations, the first and foremost
of which is to plan carefully ahead for the entertain-
ment of the visitors.

Entertaining Visitors

A HOSTESS will, or should, know the resources
at her command and also something of the
tastes and habits of her guests, and accordmgly she
should be able to provide proper amusements. If
good horses or good roads are lacking, or the house is
too small for a dance, or if the countryside is without
golf links and sailing or boating are not possible, there
are still expedients, and no woman is to be forgiven
for filling her house with guests and allowing them to
mope in neglect.

In planning entertainment, it is safe to appoint

268 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

no special occupation for the mornings. When the
party is conducted on a large scale, breakfast will be
apt to continue late into the morning. Many women
even prefer to keep their rooms until just before lunch-
eon, writing letters and so on, or to pass the time very
quietly on a shady veranda, gossiping, reading novels
or doing a bit of fancy-work, or to stroll about the
grounds. When, however, as sometimes happens, the
morning is given up to an expedition, the guests
may be left pretty much to themselves through the
afternoon, and the hostess can prepare herself for the
feature that is to fill the evening.

A dinner with a danc^ following, a card party,
private theatricals, a fancy dress ball, a moonlight drive
and picnic, or a casino ball — ^all these are possibilities
for adequately filling the evenings, which, even in the
case of a modest house party, must not be left entirely
empty for yawnings and regrets and boredom to
creep in.

it rests with a hostess to confer yet fuller blessings
of comfort and pleasure by always forbearing to force a
guest to take part in any planned pleasuring or expe-
dition ; and also when her opinions are radically op-
posed to those of her visitor, graciously avoiding argu-
ment or conflict ; and finally by tactfully interposmg
when any of her company fall into violent discussions.
Too many good-natured ladies feel a ridiculous dread
of leaving visitors to their own devices for a time and
are panic-stricken at the sight of a guest engaged, for
instance, with a book, lest for the one so occupied
the time is hanging heavy and she herself has been
neglectful. But really the prime rule of good enter-
tainment is to allow any visitor, who is stopping in

Ten] ^feittng anti Hmtge yattteg 269

your house, something of the same liberty in disposing
of his time that he would have at home. Hence,
while it is nothing short of brutal to invite half a
dozen visitors to one's house and leave them to pick
up diversion as best they may, it is not less reprenen-
sible to over-entertain — to rout out nervously a sleep-
ing matron at her napping hour, in order to torment
her with the sight of a tennis tournament ; to wrest a
perfectly satisfied man from his book and cigar with
orders to join in a long drive, and to break in on an
agreeable tete-a-tete, because of a suspicion that
the talkers would relish a new note in their con-
versation.

The Guest Chamber

THOUGH it is the duty of every hostess to fill up
the hours at her visitors' disposal so that the
time will pass pleasantly with them, no less care should
be devoted to their physical welfare. In the good times
of yore no hospitable lady ever admitted that her house
was full. There was always room for one more, but
often such ^^room" as the squeamish and comfort-
loving modern man or woman would certainly pre-
fer not to accept. Hospitality to-day is looked at
askance if it frequently consists in asking two fasti-
dious persons to share one bed, or in crowding a guest
in with a restless child, in order to make place for
everybody.

A striking and admirable feature of the new and
splendid country house is its many guest rooms, for
tne modern hostess would no more venture to ask two
women just introduced to one another to occupy the
same bed, than she would dare to provide them with but

270 Encyclopdadia of Etiquette [Chapter

one plate at her table. A perfectly appointed country
home is built with small single rooms for its single
guests; and where sisters, a mother and daughter, or a
husband and wife are asked to share one chamber, two
single beds are invariably provided. Ample closet-
space is placed at the disposal of every guest, and
either a bath is attached to each room or the occupants
of not more than three sleeping apartments are required
to share one bath-room.

In a house of the least pretention to grandeur, pos-
sessing perhaps but a couple of cuest chambers, one
should be made a double, one a single sleeping-room,
and there should be two beds in the former. The
rooms nearest the bath and farthest from the nursery
and offices are always preferable as guest chambers,
since a visitor is hardly grateful for a rude awakening by
the cries of early aroused children, the noise of servants
stumbling down to work, or the clatter of coal falling
into the range.

However simply a guest chamber is furnished, let it
always be a model of comfort, neatness and cheerful-
ness. A fresh, brightly flowered paper, the floor
covered with Japanese matting and a few rugs, white
muslin curtains, chintz upholstered furniture and a
sleep-inviting bed are the most important articles in the
fitting of such an apartment. Since the preferences and
habits of no two guests are alike, it is essential to pro-
vide for the vagaries of every individual. One visitor
will not find it difficult to sleep profoundly with the
sun streaming in at every window; another will be dis-
tinctly wretcned if the morning light cannot be ex-
cluded. Therefore, the thoughtful hostess, if the out-
side or inside shutters of her guest-room do not work

Ten] 'gTlgttins anti j^uge j^rtteg »7i

easily, will hang dark green or blue hoUand shades at
every window, such as will easily roll up and be out of
sight all day and then be drawn at night In the
closet of the euest-chamber an extra blanket should
always be folded; a table with a lamp, candle and
matches should be placed at the bedside; the bells for
summoning the servants should be in working order;
and there should be many small conveniences sup-
plied, such as pens, ink, stationery, telegraph blanks
and a calendar on a small writing-desk or table near
the window, and over the desk or table a card that
gives the hours at which letters can be posted and re-
ceived. The hostess who is thoughtful in all these
details sees also that there is a neat little housewife,
holding needles, scissors, thimble and thread, in the
dressing-table drawer; places the dressing-table where
it will receive the most direct light both from the
windows and the gas-jet; and makes it a rule to look
in person through the room when an occupant is ex-
pected, to assure herself that it has been properlv
aired, that the wash-stand is amply supplied with
towels, fresh water and a new cake of soap, and that
closets and drawers are empty and immaculately
clean.

In the great English country-houses and in a few
very splendid American homes, a trained and salaried
housekeeper looks well to this perfect preparation for
a guest's reception ; but as a rule the American serving-
maid is not to be relied upon to take great pains to
anticipate a visitor's every need, and a hostess who
trusts wholly to her maids to supply all the nice little
attentions is apt to subject the sojourners under her
roof to many small annoyances.

272 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Welcoming Visitors

AS the hour of arrival is always specified in the
notes of invitation and acceptance, the host or
hostess should be in attendance at the dock or railway
station to meet and greet the expected friend, and this
is an almost unavoidable obligation when the looked-for
guest is an unmarried woman making her first visit.
Bachelors or married couples are not supposed to re-
quire the guidance and help necessary for a timid young
lady, and a competent, quick-witted man servant may
be trusted to do the honors at the station for them.

Whether or not the head of the house drives down to
take pleasant possession of arriving guests,itis the boun-
den duty of the host or hostess to provide proper trans-
portation, not only for the visitor, but for his or her lug-
gage from the station. And when the guest reaches tne
door the hostess should be there herseltto offer a warm
welcome. In a house where hospitality is a habit and a
fine art the hostess accompanies a woman guest to her
room, rings for a maid servant to bring a pitcher of
hot water or to draw a bath, and to present a small tray
on which a glass of wine and a dry biscuit or tea and
toast are temptingly arranged.

A skilful maid deftly opens the guest's bags and
boxes, quickly lays out the contents on the dressing-
table and in the drawers and closets, and carries off
the travel-stained shoes and dress for a thorough
brushing. Meanwhile the hostess, after a brief chat,
leaves her friend to her bath and nap and the ultimate
task of dressing for dinner. When the new arrival is
a bachelor, the hostess is no less prompt in meeting
him at the door with cordial greetings ; and if no man

Ten] 'gTfetttng anti f^mt j^rtteg V3

of the family is at hand to conduct the visitor to his
room and there see that all attentions are paid him, a
maid or man servant can fulfil this office.

Duties of the Hostess' Servants

IN exceedingly fashionable society a hostess may ex-
pect that her guests will arrive accompanied by
maids and valets, and for these attendants she is obliged
to provide as comfortable accommodations as for her
own servants, but personal attendants are not yet so
essential to the comfort of the very rich in America as
in England and on the European continent and for
their presence and needs very few hostesses have to
prepare. Nevertheless the mistress of a home, when
she undertakes to entertain her friends, must bear in
mind that she is in duty bound to take every care that
her visitor is properly waited upon.

The following instructions, it is hardly necessary to
say, do not apply to the household where a few and
very busy maids are employed, but especially to the
private households where good servants and an abun-
dance of them are in waiting and yet where because of
the hostess' thoughtlessness the guests are often the
victims of curious neglect.

In most well-appointed American homes, if the
maid servant is not sufficiently well drilled to be trusted
with the unpacking of trunks, or is far too busy to give
her time to this, the mistress should still order that she
unlock, unstrap and open the visitors' boxes and lift
out the heaviest trays. If the guest-room is small, as
soon as the visitor has emptied trunks and bags, these
should be carried out and put away.

Every morning the capable maid taps at the guest's

274 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

door, asks at what time and at what temperature the
bath shall be drawn; sets the fire going if the weather
is chill, opens the windows; and to the masculine
visitor brings hot shaving-water and his cleaned and
polished shoes. In the afternoon, when the guests
retire to their rooms to dress for dinner, a maid should
tap at the doors, ask if any assistance is needed and
aid the ladies, if need be, in comfortably adjusting their
gowns, bring extra lights or hot water when required,
and as soon as the rooms are vacated, strip the beds of
their sham covers and turn them down for the night,
draw shades or close the shutters, lay forth night-robes
and dressing-gowns at the foot of the bed, replenish the
wash-stand with towels and water and carry out the
walking-shoes and clothes that show the least signs of
dust, to be cleaned and returned in perfect condition
the next morning. As a final attention, a small tray
bearing a jug of ice water and a tumbler is placed on
the bedside table ; and the servant makes assurance
doubly sure that the reading-lamp is filled, the bed-
side candle trimmed and the match-box well filled.
For the most pretentious house party or for the simplest
Saturday to Monday entertainment of a few intimate
friends, these attentions are essential, and any servant
can be drilled to fulfil them even to the final detail.

It is in event of illness or a great misfortune
overtaking a guest that the hostess is obliged to
double her attentions and give up much of her time
and pleasure to cheering or nursing the unfortunate.
She can well offer to write any necessary letters, send
telegrams or call in a physician for the individual in
grief or pain, and prove her solicitous generosity by
promptly providing any medicines, special diet, or the

Ten] ^jgiting anti f^mt ^artieg ^7s

like, that may be required. It is, however, outside the
bounds of that responsibility imposed by hospitality
for a host or hostess to pay the debts a guest contracts
for medicines, telegrams, special messengers, laundry
or a physician's attendance. But if a visitor, after
having incurred such expenses, should depart without
offering to defray the cost of special comforts and as-
sistance enjoyed or without asking to have the bills
forwarded as soon as presented, the host or hostess has
no course open but to pay the bills and take precau-
tions against a repetition of the imposition. This
course, however, would not be pursued where the bills
amounted to a considerable sum.

Speeding the Parting Guest

IT is now entirely unnecessary to follow the old
rule of hospitality under which it was regarded as
most uncivil to relinquish a guest until he had been
vigorously and repeatedly exhorted to prolong the
visit. A genuine desire to enjoy the guest's company a
little while longer is the only possible motive a host or
hostess should have in urging a friend to bide a wee,
and the request for a lengthened visit assuredly should
not be deferred until the trunks are strapped and the
carriage is at the door.

To say then, / do wish we could persuade you to stop
a little longer y or Must you really go ? Couldn't you con-
trive to stay until next Wednesday ? is most likely to
seem only an insincere and foolish compliment, espe-
cially if no more definite appeals have gone before. In
these days, as a rule, and in the case of a house party
especially, a visitor is invited for a stated period, and
there is no difficulty when the time has expired and

276 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the guests prepare to go. If the company proves an
agreeable one, true regret at parting from the guests
may be fully expressed without at all urging a pro-
longation of the visit, as thus : // has been delightful to
have you with uSy Miss Blank. I trust you will let us
repeat this experience at some future date^ or Tour visit
has given us the greatest pleasure y Mrs. Jones. We shall
miss yoUy and I hope you may be persuaded to come again,
or Good-bye y Mr. Brown; I have enjoyed this little glimpse
of you very much.

It should be the endeavor of a hostess to save a
visitor, a woman visitor especialjy, the discomfort of
taking leave at an uncomfortably early hour in the
mornmg. If only an early train or boat will serve,
then the hostess must be up betimes to see that a
pleasant breakfast is served, and at her own door take
farewell of her friend, in case she does not bear her
company to the dock or station. It is ordinarily not
necessary to show this final courtesy, but many hos-
tesses prefer to do so, in order to make sure that a
woman visitor reaches her boat or train in good time,
gets her luggage duly checked and finds a comfortable
seat. A visitor and his or her luggage must be con-
veyed to the dock or depot at the hostess' expense.
When the visitor is elderly, whether woman or man,
both the host and hostess, if possible, take a part in
seeing that the guest is well started on the journey.
When the departing friend is a young unmarried
woman, who is to travel alone, the hostess will earn
her thanks by procuring her ticket for her, checking
her luggage, handing her aboard the train and seeing
her comfortably located. Of a bachelor guest who
elects to depart by an early morning train the hostess

Ten] ^teiting anti J^use ^^ttieg -^n

may take leave before she retires the night before, hav-
ing ordered a comfortable breakfast served in good
time in the morning, and leave her husband or son to
see that the trap is at the door betimes and to give
him a final farewell. In a house boasting good maid
servants, the hostess should direct some one competent
either to ofFer to assist in packing the guest's boxes or
else to be on hand to strap and lock them after they
are packed.

Dress When Visiting

A WARDROBE for a visit must be selected with
special consideration of the duration and nature
of the visit itself, and particularly with regard to the
several entertainments it is likely to comprehend. For
a stop-over in a quiet neighborhood from Friday until
Monday few difficulties present themselves, but when
the visit is to continue for at least ten days and the
gathering is to have the proportions of a more or less
elaborate house party, then the problem is not so
easily mastered.

In summer-time, for a week's stay at a gay coun-
try house, a young woman will find herself in need of
no less than three hats — one a prettily trimmed walk-
ing and traveling hat; one a simple straw or stitched
linen sailor, for golfing, boating, or picnicking ; and
one of more delicate construction suitable for use with
light afternoon frocks, for tea parties, etc. A golf
dress, white pique skirts, pretty shirt waists and brown
and white Oxford ties, will provide her with suitable
fresh costumes for the morning. A pretty, light-toned
foulard or voile and a high-necked muslin or two will
accord with all afternoon amusements and be useful

278 Rncyclop(Bdia of Etiquette [Chapter

for church, driving, etc., while a becoming decollete
gown, of possibly pale-tinted silk or of white organdie,
will serve for the evening.

A very complete little wardrobe for a week's wear-
ing, of the kind just indicated, can be packed in a
steamer trunk, a hand-bag and a band-box; and
though an older woman would select a somewhat dif-
ferent outfit than this one, she will not need more
clothes for the same space of time. It is only when
asked to a very splendid country house where balls
and coaching parades, yachting parties and splendid
dinners are probably arranged, that a woman feels it
incumbent upon her to fill a big trunk with fine
gowns.

Into a steamer trunk, one bag and a hat-box, a
man, even the most fastidious, can put all the changes
of costume necessary for a stay of a fortnight at any
place short of the most sumptuous Newport cottage.
To the ordinary house party a man of any age under
sixty carries no less than one morning suit of light
gray flannel or dark blue serge, made with a sacque
coat and worn with colored, linen; a complete evenmg
dress, a golfing suit; several pairs of white duck or
linen trousers to wear with his short dark serge or
light flannel lounging coat; a white straw or soft felt
hat; brown and white Oxford ties and an abundance of
white and colored linen.

Visiting with Maid or Valet

IT is the rare American man or woman, even of the
highest degree socially, who follows the English
custom of visiting with a valet or maid. If one's hostess
is a woman of great wealth and her house most com-

Ten] igrtgttittg anti l^ttge jgartteg 279

modious, a personal attendant may be added to one's
luggage, so to speak; but otherwise it would be an
unusual and presumptuous proceeding to add one
occupant to the hostess' probably already well-filled
servants' wing. A young unmarried woman never
introduces her personal maid into a friend's house.
Where a matron is accompanied by a maid, the maid
should wait upon her mistress and keep her room in
order — ^without, however, sweeping or dusting the
room or making the bed. Such a maid must be in-
structed to keep her own room tidy, make her own
bed and give as little trouble as possible to the
hostess' servants. A valet attends upon his master
and follows the same course in general as that just in-
dicated for a maid.

The Ideal Guest

TO be an agreeable guest for the brief hour or
so of a formal entertainment is not a difficult
achievement, but to prove oneself an amiable and
accommodating visitor for the space of a week or
a fortnight is the best test by which the possession of
spirits, good breeding and innate kindlmess can be
demonstrated.

Arrived at his or her destination, and made wel-
come, the ideal visitor, without doing violence to physi-
cal strength or strong personal preferences, essays to
fall in with the customs of the household as nearly
as possible and to find pleasure and occupation in the
diversions provided by the host and hostess. The
good visitor is not one who, when two courses of ac-
tion or means of diversion are proposed, answers in an
invertebrate manner, fFhyy I really dotit mind which we

28o Encyclopaedia of Rttquette [Chapter

do. Whatever you think best^ Mrs. Blanks will suit me.
A choice having been politely requested, there should
be a prompt decision. Even the dullest little tea party
or the most unsuccessful dance should be entered into
with zest, for though a mental note may be made never
to become a guest in this particular household again,
it is most unkind and ill-bred to let a hint of such a
conclusion appear in one's conduct or speech during
the visit.

It is a guest's clear duty to be courteous to other
visitors under the same roof, to forbear from
heated argument and to refrain from liberties of any
sort. It is a liberty to give the servants any com-
mand, to order and use the host's carriage without his
express invitation ; to leave books from the host's
library with backs stretched and leaves turned down,
scattered here and there over the house ; to drag satin-
tufted drawing-room chairs out into the veranda, and
to ask for special dishes at meals. It is a liberty to
stop at home from church when the hostess and her
family and other guests attend — unless there is a wide
and well-known difference of religious belief, and no •
less is it inconsiderate to insist on attending church
when the church is at a great distance and means of
conveyance is not volunteered or easily provided.

A truly considerate guest, whether man or woman,
is careful before leavmg his or her room in the morn-
ing, to hang up or fold away all garments, to throw the
bed covers back on a chair drawn to the foot of the
bed and to open wide the windows. Many men are
cruelly careless in their treatment of a prettily-appointed
chamber, twisting and tying window curtains into
knots, dropping burning ashes on fine bed spreads.

Ten] igrtgittng anti f^ttge yartteg ^si

splashing water over expensive rugs and using hand-
some towels as dust cloths. It is a part of good breed-
ing always to have consideration and care for the be-
longings of others and any man guest, even though
he may be otherwise unsatisfactory, will be looked
upon kindly by a hostess when she discovers that he
has not treated the lodging she provided him as if it
were a barracks room.

A woman visitor may vf^M regard it as one of her
daily duties to straighten all the articles upon her
dressing-table, when her morning toilet is completed,
set her wash-stand to rights, put soiled clothes in their
proper bag or basket and, save that the bed is left
open to air, give her chamber an air of the most
exquisite tidiness.

Do you breakfast early ? Will the maid call me in
good time in the morning ? are very natural questions for a
guest to ask when bidding the hostess good night after
the first day of the visit has expired. Then it is that
an explanation is forthcoming as to the domestic
habits of the household ; and to these habits a good
guest will conform with all cheerfulness. If it is the
practice of the family to gather about a breakfast table
promptly every morning, then it is a poor compliment
for the visitor to disturb her entertainers by forcing
them to wait until a slow toilet is completed.

A host and hostess do not defray any expenses in-
curred outside of their direct liability as entertainers.
If by illness or accident a little bill is contracted with
the laundress, the doctor, or workman or tradesman in
the nearby village, the guest should, previous to
departure, see to paying it, or else ask that the account
be forwarded as soon as presented.

282 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Tipping the Servants

IT is the fixed custom nowadays to tip the servants
on departure from a private house where hospitality
has been enjoyed, whether for three days or three
weeks, unless the mistress of the household distinctly
requests that no tips be given. So few women venture
to deny their servants these customary perquisites, that
usually the guest is left at full liberty to settle with his
own purse and conscience as to how far the business of
feeing shall be carried. To tip with unnecessary
lavishness is an absurdity bordering on vulgarity, and
yet the majority of men and women err in this direc-
tion from the lack of any precedent by which to esti-
mate nicely the amount befitting the guest's own
dignity and the servant's expectation.

By a single woman the course may be safely fol-
lowed of tipping the maid who keeps her room in
order one dollar, when the visit has lasted seven days
and no special favors have been asked. If this maid
has, in addition to her regular duties, brushed the
visitor's gowns, prepared her bath and assisted in the
(evening toilet, then one dollar and a half would be
expected. In many well-appointed houses a feminine
guest is specially waited upon, not by the regular
chambermaid, butbythehostess' personal maid,for whom
a tip of one dollar at least and one and a half at most
is required. Aside from the maids, a single woman has
few demands on her purse, except possibly by the
coachman, and for him nfty cents or a dollar is sufficient.

A bachelor is required to give not less than a dol-
lar to the maid who keeps his room in order, not less
than fifty cents to the boy who cleans and polishes his

Ten] ^grteitins atiti l^use ^rtte« ^83

shoes, and a dollar to the coachman if the coachman
has eiven him special service. If a butler or valet has
brushed, pressed and laid out clothes, drawn baths,
etc., for the visitor, then a tip of at least one dollar and
a half must be given ; and if the guest has had the
use of a riding-horse and been driven every day about
the country, the coachman will feel neglected if not
remembered to the extent of one dollar and a half and
his assistant in the stable to the extent of fifty cents.

A married couple usually divide the tipping. The
wife fees the maids, the husband the men servants.
Their chamber maid should have a dollar and a half
for merely tending their room or rooms and two dol-
lars if she has served the lady in various and special
ways. The butler would get two dollars in any case,
and perhaps as much as five if he acted as valet to the
gentleman. The coachman always expects the fee
quoted for a bachelor, one dollar, when he has driven
a married couple to and from the station.

As a rule married men can remember the cook, and
so would a bachelor that was on the shady side of
forty and enjoyed the good food. To send her a dol-
lar is the customary tribute to her capabilities. She is
undoubtedly obliged to make an extra exertion when
guests are at the table for three meals every day. If
the laundress' talents and time have been called into
requisition, even for rubbing out a couple of handker-
chiefs, fifty cents is her recognized tip.

When a man or woman is a frequent and informal
guest in a house and his or her means are modest, a
tip after every stay is not required; but it is essential to
give the servants all round once or twice a season not
less than a dollar.

284 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

The above rules are not laid down for considera-
tion by those persons — ^usually men — ^who make it a
habit never to stop over night in a friend's home with-
out giving five dollars to each servant, tipping the but-
ler to the extent of ten or even fifteen dollars after a
visit of six or seven days, and remembering the cook,

gardener and housekeeper if they are included in the
ost's minage. Such persons are a law unto them-
selves and establish no precedent for the man or
woman who has only an average income. While
servants are duly appreciative of very big fees, they
still receive with civil gratitude the smaller gratuity
when they realize that the giver is neither a millionaire
nor a snobbish spendthrift.

Taking Leave

TO duly express appreciation of hospitality en-
joyed and regret at the necessity of departure,
a guest, in bidding farewell, may say : Tou can scarcely
realize^ Mrs. Blank, bow greatly I have enjoyed my visit.
Or, / am deeply indebted to you, Mrs. Blank, for a de-
lightful ten days. Or, T^his has been a most agreeable
experience, Mrs. Blank. I can hardly believe it is all
over and I must say good-bye.

In taking leave of one's entertainers, it is polite to
bid adieu to members of the family individually, ask-
ing to have messages of farewell repeated to those
who are not present.

Within ten days after a visit, a short note to the
hostess should be despatched, informing her of the
guest's safe arrival home and expressing anew her pleas-
ure at the entertainment enjoyed. Such a letter is
quite unnecessary when the stay has been very brief —

Ten] igrtgtttng anti jlottge j^ttieg ^ss

that is, for less than forty-eight hours. The following
are proper forms :

Concordia^

June JOth^ l^ — .
My dear Mrs. Baird:

I reached home at six o* clock yesterday evenings ofi^ ^ quick
and pleasant journey. I am full of reminiscences of my delightful
week at the Manor and heartily regretful that it is all over.

Please give the dear baby my best lovcy and relieve Mr.
BaireTs mind about my luggage. It turned up with me at the
home station^ and I am so grateful to him for his thoughtful kind-
ness in looking it upy and also providing the books and papers for
my journey.

Believe me always sincerely yourSy

Janet H. Grey.

or this :

22 Vincent Street^

August J, i^ — .
My dear Mrs. Montgomery :

The journey back to town would have been long and lonely
had it not been for that incomparable basket of luncheon and the
refreshing recollections of last week. I am venturing to send you
by this post a new James novel ; one I am sure you have not al-
ready read as it comes only to-day from the publisher. We agreed
so entirely as to the charm of this author that I flatter myself with
the thought of your enjoyment in it.

Pray remember me most kindly to Mr. Montgomery ^ and to
little Miss Kitty y with whom I aspire to claim a very hearty
friendship ; and believe me^

Faithfully yourSy

Stirling J. Houston.

To send one's hostess a little gift is not inappro-
priate when the souvenir can be gracefully presented,
though anything more than a souvenir, anything costly
and very elaborate, would be out of taste, as savoring

286 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

too much of payment or fee duly rendered for favors
received. A book, a bit of pretty embroidery, a pack of
cards in a fretted silver case, the appliances for playing
a game or puzzle, or a piece of music for which a wisn
has been expressed, could any of them be offered and
received without misunderstanding. However, this
opportunity for gift-giving, though open, need not be
regarded as an obligation, as is the bread and butter
letter written after the visit ; and while a hostess may
be charmed with some little remembrance from an
agreeable and appreciative visitor, she would justly feel
hurt and annoyed if after every house party the post
and express brought her packets of gifts from tactless
guests.

Chapter ELEVEN

3Elece))tton0

The Afternoon Tea

THE afternoon tea, or ceremonious at
home, has for some years enjoyed a pop-
ularity that shows no signs of waning
and has all but done away with the
once almost universal evening recep-
tion. Such teas are given throughout the winter
season to introduce young ladies to society, to honor
special guests, to give a young married couple an op-
portunity to meet their friends and to enable a hostess
in a single afternoon successfully to entertain the whole
list of ner visiting acquaintances. They are the least
expensive and the least exacting functions in the list
of social diversions and, considering the many good
purposes they serve, the most useful and satisfactory.

Invitations

THE invitations for an afternoon tea of consider-
able proportions are issued a week, ten days, or
two Weeks in advance of the time set for the entertain-
ment. Formerly the husband's name never appeared

288 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

on the cards, but to-day we not infrequently find the
invitations offered in the name of the head of the house
as well as that of his wife, the inscription on the large,
white card of heavy Bristol board reading as follows :

Mr. and Mrs. Parker Mollis James

At Home

Thursday afternoon^ January fourth

from four until seven o* clock

Fifteen Jefferson Avenue

When a mother and daughters are to receive to-
gether, the card is in this form :

Mrs. Parker Mollis James
I'he Misses James

At Mome

Thursday afternoon^ January fourth

from four until seven o* clock

Fifteen Jefferson Avenue

The cards are sent by post, under cover of a single
envelope ; and whether both Mr. and Mrs. James or
Mrs. James and her daughters announce a reception,
when a married couple are invited the cards are ad-
dressed to the husband as well as the wife. If the re-
ception were given for the purpose of introducing a
young daughter, Mrs. James would then issue cards
similar to the above, except that the debutante's name
(Miss James) would appear below her own.

When Mrs. James introduces a second daughter to
society by means of an afternoon tea, her cards follow

Eleven] B^CepttOtlfil 289

the form of the one above, but have the full name of
the second daughter, " Miss Charlotte Emery James,"
engraved immediately below that of her elder sister, or
the elder sister's name is left off entirely and that of
the younger daughter appears in full directly below
the mother's.

When the tea is given in honor of some special
guest, the cards, or invitation, if especially prepared,
take this form :

To Meet

Governor and Mrs. Edward Montgomery

Mr, and Mrs. Parker Mollis James

request the pleasure of your company

on Saturday afternoon^ October fifth

from four until seven o* clock

Fifteen Jefferson Avenue

Or a card according to the first form shown above
would be used, and near the bottom of the card would
appear the engraved line, "To Meet Governor and
Mrs. Edward Montgomery."

Answering Reception Invitations

NO written declination or acceptance is necessary
on receipt of any type of^ at home or after-
noon tea card. The invited guest accepts by at-
tending the function. If it is impossible to put in an
appearance at the hour signified in the invitation, the
proper course is to send by post or messenger a visit-
ing card in an envelope so that it will reach the hostess.

290 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

if possible, while the reception is in progress. A hus-
band and wife, if unable to appear, would send one
card each when the invitation has been extended in the
name of the hostess only. If extended in the name of
the hostess and a daughter, two cards each would be
sent. And if extended in the name of the hostess and
her husband, one of the wife's and two of her husband's
cards would be sent. The great point is to send the
cards so that they will arrive the afternoon of the recep-
tion, no earlier and no later. When several members
of a family are invited to a reception and but one of the
group is able to attend, and that person is a woman, she
can, by leaving the cards of the others along with her
own on the tray in the hostess' hall, obviate the neces-
sity of posting cards as directed above.

Requirements for a Large Reception

SPECIALLY engraved cards in any of the forego-
ing forms indicate a very elaborate entertainment.
In preparing for such an entertainment in the city the
hostess is required to lay a strip of carpet from her
front door to the edge of the sidewalk. If the weather
is at all inclement, a canvas shelter must be stretched
over this ; and at the entrance to the shelter a servant
in footman's livery stands to open the doors of carriages.
When the list of the invited is very long, it is essential
to provide checks for carriages in order that they may
be summoned by their numbers ; and toward dusk
lanterns are hung here and there in the canvas shelter.
Inside the door of the house, a second-man, in butler's
evening livery, is in readiness to admit the guests be-
fore they have given themselves the trouble to ring the

Eleven] ^f^CepttOUSi *9i

bell, and to direct them to the dressing-room. Just
outside the drawing-room door, a second-man, in but-
ler's livery, asks their names as they approach and an-
nounces them to his mistress. In the dining-room
several maid- or men-servants, on duty about the table
and in the pantry, serve the refreshments. In the ladies'
dressing-room a maid must be in waiting to relieve
guests of their wraps and to fold and so classify the same
that they can be promptly returned when called for. In
the gentlemen's dressing-room a page or valet performs
a similar service.

The whole of the drawing-room floor of the house
is thrown open and the centre of the drawing-room is
cleared of tables and chairs, in order that a good space
for the free movement of the company may be secured.
Tubs of palms and ferns and bowls of flowers form
the best and most approved decoration, and at a large
reception music is now regarded as indispensable. A
stringed orchestra is always preferred, and the musicians
are located on the drawing-room floor, behind a screen
of palms.

In the hall a big platter is conspicuously placed to
receive the cards of the guests. In the dining-room
the large table is decorated with a centre-piece of flow-
ers ; and candles shed their radiance from many sticks
or branched candelabra on platters of meat and fish,
salads, trays of varied cakes, compotiers of bonbons,
baskets of sandwiches, castles of nougat and platters
holding fanciful moulds of jellies and charlottes. On
the buffet and side-table, napkins, forks, glasses and
plates are ranked in reserve, and in the pantry moulds
of ice cream, pots of hot bouillon and tea and choco-
late are ready to be served, while bottles of champagne

292 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

He cooling on the ice. In the library, hall, or one
corner of the dining-room, stands a bowl of punch,
iced to the proper temperature and surrounded with
glasses.

How the Hostess Receives

A FEW moments before the hour set in her invi-
tations, the hostess enters her drawing-room, in
which, as in the whole of that floor of the house, the
shades have been drawn and daylight has been ex-
cluded in &vor of the glow from lamps, candles, or
well-shaded gas or electric burners. To the right or
left, just inside the drawing-room door, she takes her
stand with her husband, the special guest of the occa-
sion or her daughters beside her. At this moment
the music begins, the dining-room doors are opened,
and the servants take their posts.

As guests enter, the hostess cordially offers them
her right hand and a pleasant greeting, and then she
introduces them to the person or persons receiving
with her, if they are unknown. At the beginning of a
large reception she is apt to have time and opportunity
to talk a little with the several guests as they appear ;
but when the tide of visitors appearing before her be-
comes stronger, with some going as well as many com-
ing, she will be obliged to confine herself to a hand-
shake, a brief greeting accorded, swift introductions
when introductions are necessary, and the fewest words
of ferewell. From the beginning to the end of the
afternoon her post is by the door and she should not
desert it even for food or rest. This close attention
to duty is not required of the guest receiving with her.

Eleven] ^Receptions 293

Duties of the Host

WH EN a newly wedded couple hold a reception,
or a house-warming is the occasion of a special
at home, the husband stands during the greater part of
the afternoon beside his wife, offering -every visitor his
hand and a pleasant greeting. But as arrivals become
fewer and ferther between, he may turn his attention
to entertaining some of the guests, escorting ladies to
the dining-room and making introductions where they
seem to be needed and desired. Now and again gen-
tlemen who are not newly made husbands enjoy the
task of assisting their wives in receiving, but as a rule
the daughters support their mother by the door and
the husband only comes in after the reception is in ftill
progress. He then renders very effectual aid by giv-
mg the dowagers his attention and asking for introduc-
tions to ladies that seem to be alone and lonely. If
some married woman or a special woman guest, and
not her daughter, assists the nostess in receiving, the
husband should, toward the end of the afternoon, offer
this lady his arm to lead her to the dining-room and
see that she is satisfactorily served, standing beside her
the while.

Duties of the Hostess' Daughters

WHEN a hostess has daughters who have passed
the debutante period, it is their pleasure usual-
ly at an afternoon tea to stand beside their mother and
receive guests for perhaps the first hour ; but after that
their best services will be to leave the hostess's side
occasionally and move about the drawing-room, mak-

294 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

ing introductions and carefully observing whether
guests have been to the dining-room and seem occu-
pied and amused.

In the Dining-Room

NO particular order of service is observed in the
dining-room. The maid- or men-servants ask
guests if they will be served to salad, ices, or what not,
and quickly comply with the requests of gentlemen
who desire sandwiches, cake, etc., for ladies under their
care. The best and most approved method is for some
of the servants to be constantly passing trays of mod-
erate size loaded with plates of^ salad, saucers of ices
and cups of bouillon, while others offer napkins, plat-
ters of sandwiches, etc. One servant, as a rule, is con-
stantly on the alert to gather up all soiled plates. At
the sideboard the wine is poured.

A Debutante's Reception

THIS is in all respects planned and conducted like
any other afternoon tea. The debutante, with
flowers in her hand, stands the whole of the afternoon
beside her mother. It is a pretty custom to-day for a
debutante to ask two or more young girl friends to re-
ceive with her. She sends a carriage for them if they
have none at their disposal, introduces them to all the
guests as they arrive, and claims their company for
dinner after the reception is over. A wealthy debu-
tante gives handsome bouquets to her corps of assisting
maidens. When she has herself been the recipient of
a greater quantity of flowers than she can hold^ the

Eleven] lEUCepttOttCi *95

bouquets are displayed on the piano or a table behind
her. She is careful to see that agreeable gentlemen are

E resent to escort to the dining-room every member of
er fair reception committee. But only toward the
end of the afternoon does she herself accept a gentle-
man's arm in order to seek refreshments.

An Evening Reception

THIS is no more nor less than a ceremonious tea
celebrated in the evening between the hours of
nine and eleven, instead of in the afternoon. The
foregoing forms of invitation given for the afternoon
tea, with simply a difference in the hours signified, are
the suitable ones for it. As a rule, the time is indicated
in the words, " from nine until eleven o'clock," or " af-
ter nine o'clock."

Less Formal and Elaborate Receptions

COUNTLESS are the gay, graceful, and success-
ful receptions given, tor which the hostess issues
less costly and elaborate invitations than those for the
grand at-homes just described. Such receptions are
given simply because of a prompting of the generous
social instinct or to introduce a pleasant visitor to one's
own circle of friends, or to honor, in a mild way, a
famous musician, author, or scientist. These simple,
informal entertainments are a boon to the hostess
who dwells in a small house or apartment and whose
means are not large, or even to a wealthy woman whose
time and energy are not equal to a more splendid affair.
For such lesser functions the invitations are issued a

296 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

week in advance, and are simply a line written on the
hostess's visiting cards below her own engraved name,
varied to suit the special occasion, as :

To meet Miss Patmore^ of Washington; then,
lower down in one corner, 4 to y o^clocky Wednesday j
Jan. loth. Or when the tea is a small gathering of
friends, given in no one's honor, but for the hostess's
own pleasure, the date only would be given thus : Fri-
day ^ February the thirds from four to seven o'clock.

These cards are slipped into small envelopes and
posted ; and the entertainment, when the time for it
arrives, proceeds without any of the paraphernalia of
awning and carpet for the sidewalk, checks for car-
riages, the ministrations of many servants, special
decorations in the rooms, dressing-room for men,
orchestra, or elaborate menu. A maid, in her after-
noon dress, opens the door and directs the ladies to a
room where they can lay off their wraps. The guests
enter the drawing-room unannounced, to find the
hostess ready to meet and greet them. If the recep-
tion is in someone's special honor, the guest of honor
stands beside the hostess and by her is introduced to
the other guests as they arrive. The daughters and
husband of the hostess move about the room, convers-
ing with the company, making introductions and guid-
ing guests to the dining-room.

In the dining-room the table is arranged as described
for a large afternoon tea, but fewer dishes are served
from the pantry. At one end of the brightly lighted
board, a tea outfit is established ; at the other end is a
punch-bowl or a hot chocolate service ; and special
friends of the hostess, either married or unmarried
women, seated one before the punch-bowl or the

Eleven] IS^ttpttOm ^97

chocolate, and one before the tea-tray, serve the bev-
erages, while servant-maids are always near to bring
fresh supplies of cups, glasses, ice, and hot water as
needed. A few chairs are set near the table and guests
may sit or stand while sipping their tea, chocolate, or
punch and talking to the ladies who do the honors of
the board. At receptions of this nature no ices, salads,
pates, etc., are served, and the hostess does not have
food brought into the drawing-room, nor does she in-
vite young ladies, daintily aproned and supplied with
small trays, to aid in handing about the refreshment.

Dress for an Afternoon Reception

THE hostess at an afternoon tea wears a high-
necked, long-sleeved gown of silk, satin, velvet,
lace or rich cloth, elaborately trimmed, trained and set
off with jewels. The women guests follow suit, and
though a tailor-made or handsome morning dress may
be worn to a reception, the fashion is now in favor of
elegant high-necked, long-sleeved gowns of rich colors,
fancifully decorated and worn with becoming hats or
bonnets, white or very light-toned gloves and dress
shoes.

For a debutante and her assistants white or very
light-tinted gowns are requisite, high-necked and long-
sleeved. While the hostess, her daughters, and those
ladies who pour tea for her, appear with heads bare and
hair elaborately dressed, the women guests do not lay
aside their hats or veils, or remove their gloves.
Wraps, however, are put off in the dressing-room.

For an evening reception, the hostess wears a white,
gray, black, or colored gown of silk, satin, lace, or vel-

298 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

vet, short in the sleeves and decollete at the neck,
with a long train. Handsome jewels and an elaborate
coifRire add to her appearance. All women guests
imitate the hostess's example, wearing what is best
known as elegant dinner gowns, with jewels, light or
white gloves, slippers, and their hair elaborately
dressed.

The host and all masculine guests at an afternoon
reception in the fall or winter wear double- or single-
breasted frock coats of black or very dark gray vicuna
or soft cheviot, and double- or single-breasted waist-
coats to match, or of fancy cloth. Trousers of gray,
as a rule, look best ; and with white linen, a broad
folding tie of a light-colored silk, a top hat, gray
gloves and patent-leather shoes, the reception costume
IS complete. In the dressing-room or hall men lay
aside their hats, overcoats and, if they wish, their walk-
ing sticks, and either take off but one glove, or take
off both and carry them in one hand. Whatever
course is followed, the right hand, bare of its glove,
must be offered to the hostess. For men at an even-
ing reception the only permissible dress is full evening
costume — a swallow-tailed coat of soft-feced black
vicuna and trousers to match, a white single- or
double-breasted dress-waistcoat, white linen, white bow-
tie, patent-leather pumps or oxford ties and white
gloves.

Etiquette for Guests

RECEPTION cards state the hours between which
the hostess is on duty in her drawing-room.
Her friends may, therefore, suit their convenience as
to when they will put in an appearance, provided they

Eleven] 3BUCeptUm£{ 299

do not arrive before the earliest hour named nor after
the latest. It is hardly satisfactory to turn up at a
reception just before the stroke of the opening hour,
and it is not complimentary to drop in late, after
nearly everyone has gone. Somewhere between half-
past four and six o'clock is the most propitious
time, and between these hours the company is apt
to be largest and the pleasure of mingling in it
greatest

On arrival, the guest, whether woman or man, if a
grand reception is in progress, mounts at once to the
respective dressing-room, puts off superfluous wraps,
and descending to the hall, pauses a moment to drop the
requisite number of cards in the tray, and then enters
the drawing-room. When a mother and two daugh-
ters have been invited to an at-home and one of the
ladies alone attends, she puts not only her own cards
(one for each of the ladies receiving) into the tray,
but also an equal number each for her absent mother
and sister. Men leave only their own cards. When
a man and his wife or a brother and sister attend a large
tea together, they meet on the stairs or in the hall and
enter the drawing-room together, the man a little in
the rear of his companion.

At the door the butler asks the guest's name, and this
being s;iven to him, the guest greets and shakes hands
with the hostess as his name is announced. Young
ladies enter the room behind their mothers; debu-
tantes enter behind their chaperons, and if accompanied
by anyone who is a stranger to the hostess, it is neces-
sary for the guest to make a prompt introduction.
Cordially greeted by the hostess and introduced by her
to whoever she has receiving with her — her debutante

300 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

daughter, a friend or special guest, or her husband —
it is best to pass on into the centre of the drawing-
room seeking friends and diversion.

If there is no great pressure of arrivals and the
hostess shows an inclination to exchange something
more than the orthodox greeting, it is befitting to stand
near her and only move off when others come up to
claim her attentions.

Having passed the hostess, it then remains for every
guest to consult largely his or her individual preference
as to how long a stop shall be made, and whether or no
the dining-room shall be visited. At a very large and
crowded reception, all social obligations can be dis-
charged in twenty minutes, and after that time the
guest is privileged to slip quietly out without attempt-
mg to bid the hostess farewell. Indeed it Js hardly
considerate at a great crush to remain longer than
half an hour. The average drawing-room cannot
accommodate the whole number of invited guests at
once and the hostess calculates that a constant stream
of departures will make space for the steady inflow of
arrivals and thus save her rooms from becoming over-
crowded.

From the drawing-room it is permitted to pass with-
out invitation to the dining-room ; and there ladies
unaccompanied by gentlemen wait to have their wants
attended to by the servants, whose special business
and charge it is to see that they are not overlooked
and do not have to wait long. As few chairs can be
provided in a crowded dinmg-room, the guests eat
where they stand. It is not expected that guests will
indulge themselves in a liberal meal at an afternoon
reception ; partaking of a salad or an ice, of a cup of

Eleven] H^Wj^tUm^ 3°!

tea and a cake, or of a glass of wine and a biscuit, is a
sufficient response to the hospitality offered.

When a gentleman accompanies a lady to the dining-
room he asks her whether she will have tea, an ice, or
bouillon or the like, and proceeds to procure it for her
by passing up to the table and asking a servant to sup-
ply his want. It is not in good taste to ask a lady,
May I get you some refreshments ? But such forms as
Will you have an ice? Have you been in the dining-room
yet ? A cup of hot chocolate would be very agreeable after
that cold wind outside. Let me get one for you — are
usual and proper when a gentleman would politely
offer to aid a lady in getting whatever refreshment she
may desire. He serves her first, and then satisfies his
own desire, but watches the while to relieve her of her
napkin, plate, or cup ; and as soon as she has finished,
if he conducted her to the dining-room, he returns with
her to the drawing-room.

Attending a Smaller Reception

AT a smaller reception, if the company proves con-
genial, it is only a compliment to the hostess to
linger in her rooms from a half to three-quarters of an
hour, since there is no danger of a crush. On passing
into the dining-room the guest will find him or herself
cordially accosted by one of the ladies presiding over
the table, and will be offered tea, cakes, etc., and a
share in the conversation. At the smaller and less
formal reception, moreover, there is less danger of that
embarrassing isolation which so often befalls one at a
grand at home when he has gone alone and finds in all
the large company scarcely one friend or acquaintance

302 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

except the hostess, who is too busy by the door to sec
that introductions are made and so relieve the strain of
the situation. At the small reception, unless she is
very occupied at the moment of one's departure, it is
politest to bid the hostess adieu ; and cards are left as
at a large affair.

Attending an Evening Reception

FOR an evening reception the etiquette is the same
as that already given for an afternoon reception,
whether large or small, the only difference is that as a
rule cards are not carried and left on entering or depart-
ing from the house.

Chapter TWELVE

Cjieatruate

Invitations

OR a ceremonious drawing-room concert the
hostess issues her engraved cards of invita-
tion from ten days to two weeks in advance
of the time chosen, in something like the
following forms :

Mrs. Allen B. Despard

At Home

Monday evenings February fourth

at ten o* clock

Thirty Lakeside Avenue

Music

Mr. and Mrs. Allen B. Despard

request the pleasure of

company

at a musicale
On Thursday evenings January fifteenth

at ten o* clock
Thirty Lakeside Avenue

304 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Afternoon musicales are far less formal than elabo-
rate drawing-room concerts, which take place in the
evening. When a hostess wishes to invite a number
of friends to hear a famous soloist or orchestra, she
posts her visiting-card, upon the left-hand corner of
which is written, Monday y January fifteenth^ four to
seven o\lock — MusiCy or Monday^ January fifteenth^
four to six o*clocky to hear Madame Nordica sing.
Sometimes for an afternoon reception whereat music
is the object of the gathering, engraved cards no larger
than the joint cards used by husband and wife or
mother and daughter are issued, bearing this inscrip-
tion:

Mr. and Mrs. Johnstone

Monday^ January fifteenth
Tea at four ci^ clock
Strauss*s Orchestra Seven Myrtle Place

For private theatricals a hostess's invitations are
best issued in the forms given for a large private con-
cert, either announcing herself as at home and adding
the phrase Theatricals at half-past nine^ or simply re-
questing the pleasure of a friend's company at Pri-
vate Theatricals. If dancing is to follow the play,
the one word dancing is engraved in one corner of the
cards. When invitations to a musicale are cast in the
second form given on page 303, they usually bear the
letters R. s. v. p. in the lower left or right hand corner,
since the occasion is one of formality, for which
special preparations must be made.

Twelve] iHttfiicalesf 305

Answering Invitations to Musicale or

Private Theatricals

IF an invitation requests the pleasure of the recipient's
company it must be promptly accepted or declined
in the formal terms of the third person. Should the
hostess announce herself as at home, with music, the
recipient of such an invitation accepts by attending ;
and if prevented from attending sends his or her cards
to the hostess's house while the musicale is in progress,
as has been already carefully explained in the case of
receptions.

An Evening Musicale.

IF the programme includes a variety of selections
both vocal and instrumental, the back parlor, or
large room at the rear opening with folding-doors into
the drawing-room, should be divested of all furniture
save the piano and such movables as can be placed
against the wall. This serves as a stage and proper
background for the musicians. The body of the draw-
ing-room must then be fairly well filled with small, light
chairs, that can be rented for the occasion ; and printed
programmes are provided for distribution among the
guests. ^ Her dining-room the hostess arranges as for
a reception, if the musical entertainment is to be fol-
lowed or divided by a handsome supper. As a rule,
though, a very light refection, such as punch and cake,
ices, sandwiches, and bouillon or chocolate, served after
the music, is considered all sufficient. Essential features
are dressing-rooms for the guests, men as well as
women. The hostess herself stands in the drawing-

3o6 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

room to greet her friends. After the music has begun
she still stands or sits near the door quietly to welcome
tardy guests and see that they are seated. When the
music is over and while supper is being served, she
sees that most of the chairs temporarily placed in the
drawing-room are taken out, and thenceforward moves
about among her guests, making introductions and ex-
changing a few words with as many persons as possible.

An Afternoon Musicale

IN every detail this entertainment may be a duplicate
of the evening musicale just described, or the
hostess can give an afternoon reception, accompanied
by a special musical programme. When this last course
is adopted, the reception is arranged and proceeds on
the lines laid down in Chapter XI. At intervals dur-
ing the afternoon, songs or orchestral numbers de-
mand the interest and applause of the guests.

Private Theatricals

DRAWING-ROOM theatricals are, as a rule, most
comfortably given at night, and the hostess ar-
ranges her stage, auditorium, supper, and programmes
as for an evenmg musicale. The duties of the hostess
in receiving, entertaining, and parting from the guests
are also the same as at an evening musicale.

Guests at a Musicale or Theatricals

WHEN the invitations indicate an elaborate musi-
cal programme, beginning at a fixed hour, the
guests must make every effort to arrive as promptly as
possible. On entering, they remove their wraps in

Twelve] i^UfiltCaUfil JO;

the dressing-room, then greet the hostess, secure a pro-
gramme and find their seats. Throughout the num-
bers discreet silence should be maintained and applause
generously accorded. Late arrivals must await a pro-
pitious moment at which to enter the drawing-room
and find their seats. At the conclusion of the evening,
the hostess will expect to be sought out and thanked
for the entertainment she has provided.

At an afternoon musicale, when no fixed programme
is followed, guests come and go as at a large afternoon
reception. For private theatricals the etiquette is the
same as is followed at a handsome evening concert.

Dress at Musicales

FOR an evening musicale men wear full evening
dress, the host as well as the guests. Women
wear decollete gowns, jewels, and light gloves. For an
afternoon musicale the dress appropriate for afternoon
receptions is proper both for men and women.

Chapter THIRTEEN

0arl!m parties

Invitations

FOR a very formal garden party the invitations
should be engraved in black script or block
lettering, on white note sheets or large white
cards. The most modish form of invitation
shows the name of the person asked written
in by hand on a line left for that purpose. As a rule
the invitation is issued in the name of the hostess only,
thus:

Mrs. Everett Tryon

requests the pleasure of

company on Monday afternoon

yune fifteenth

from four until seven o* clock

Garden Party. Blythwood — Westchester

Another correct form is :

Mrs. Everett Tryon
At Home

Wednesday afternoon^ yune fifteenth

from four until seven o* clock

Garden Party. Blythwood — Westchester

^attim ^attteis 309

When such invitations are sent to persons resident
in a near-by town or city, two lines of small script let-
tering at the foot of the card give information regard-
ing trains.

Train leaves Grand Central Station at j.jo 0* clock

Trains leave Blythwood Station at j,^o^ 6,20^ and y.io 0^ clock

When this information is not given in this way on
the card itself, it may be communicated on a small
separate card enclosed with the invitation to towns-folk.

If the scope of the entertainment does not warrant
the trouble and expense of providing special cards,
either of two less formal courses may be pursued. On
her own visiting-cards the hostess may write in ink,
below her name. Garden Party^ June 15^ from 4 to y
o^clock. These cards enclosed and sent by post or
delivered by a messenger are entirely adequate. The
second course is to write brief, friendly notes, in the
first person, somewhat in this form :

Blythewood^
June ^th^ ig — .
Dear Mrs. Mason :

Will you not come for tea on the lawn with us on Wednes--
day^ the fifteenth^ at four 0* clock ? The strawberries and the
roses are in their prime just now^ and I wish you to enjoy the very
fine specimens of both that our garden produces, I have asked in
a few friends informally^ and if you have anyone stopping with
you I shall be delighted to see them.

Sincerely yours^

Jeanne Tryon.

310 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Blythwood,
June loth^ ip — .
Afy dear Mr. Brown :

Can you not drive over on Wednesday for tea and straW'-
berries on the lawn about /our o* clock ? We are to be very in-
formal^ with perhaps a little tennis.

Cordially yours^

"Jeanne Try on.

Answering Garden-Party Invitations

THOUGH few garden-party invitations bear the
request for an answer, on receiving one no one
should fail to respond immediately with either regrets
or an acceptance. When an engraved card is received,
the safe conjecture is that a very handsome fonction
is to follow, and then the written reply should be
worded somewhat as follows :

Mr. and Mrs. Duncan R. Drew

accept with pleasure

Mrs, Tryon*s kind invitation

for June fifteenth

Westwood Hall
June second^ /p —
or

Miss Eleanor Drew

regrets thai a previous engagement

will prevent her acceptance

of Mrs, Tryon^s polite invitation

for June fifteenth

Westwood Hall
June second^ ip —

Thirteen] ^attHm ^attiejBl 3"

To a visiting-card inscribed with the day and date
of the entertainment, a little note is the politest form
of reply, and though many persons follow the rather
generally accepted course of letting their presence
answer on the day of the party as a reply in the affirm-
ative, and a visiting-card, posted to arrive as nearly as
possible on the hour named in the invitation, as regrets,
every hostess appreciates a note, however brief, which
gives her an assurance of her guest's intentions. A
note must certainly be despatched in answer, and that
right quickly, when the invitation itself is offered in
the form of a note. It would be suitable to say in
reply to a card or a note :

Fernleigh^
July 2d^ 19— .
Dear Mrs, Tryon :

It will give us great pleasure to come to you on the fifteenth,
I trust the day will be fine. I am told by the wiseacres that we
are to have ideal weather as a reward after these heavy rains.

With kind regards^ I am sincerely yours j

Amelia Rogers.

The Wayside^
June 2d^ ip — .
Afy dear Mrs, Tryon :

Tou may count on five of us for your strawberry tea on
Wednesday next — Lilly^ Stephen^ and Andrew Campbell^ who is
with us and shares with pleasure in your kind invitation. I hear
your roses and berries are the best in the country-side this year.
Tou are very good to share them with your friends.

Most sincerely yours^
Florence Mason.

312 Kncyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

The Pointy

Dear Mrs. Tryon :

I am called away to the West on business that will^ I fear^
prevent my appearance at your tea on the fifteenth.

With sincere regrets^ faithfully yours ^

Donald Brown.

The Fete Champdtre

IN England the al fresco afternoon entertainment
known as garden party, or f^te champStrej is one
of the most popular and successful forms of amuse-
ment, in the least pretentious as well as in the wealthi-
est and most aristocratic circles of society. A garden
party is nothing more nor less than an afternoon recep-
tion, conducted in all the charming and picturesque
environment of blossoming flower-beds, smooth-shaven
lawns and full-leafed trees ; and in our own country,
where brilliant sunshine and gorgeous floral displays
are typical of the late spring and early summer days,
it is a pity that the mistresses of handsome country
houses do not more frequently amuse their friends at
afternoon fetes. Even at seaside and inland resorts,
when weather is propitious and nature herself is an
ideal background for lovely gowns and simple festivity,
the most experienced hostess will still invite a company
comprising her entire acquaintance to a reception in
her drawing-room, where the heat becomes intolerable
and the discreet guest drops in for only a moment, to
fly in disgust from the noise, the danger offered in the
crush to an elegant fragile toilet and the herculean
effort necessary to secure a sandwich or cup of tea.
If the same hostess devoted her energies to a tea on

Thirteen] ^Ettirtt Ij^XtUS 3'3

her lawn, she would find her labor of preparation in
no wise increased and her success almost doubled.

When the day of a garden-party breaks with rather
a dubious looking sky, it is the duty of the hostess to
put not only her lawn but also her house in order, so
that at a moment's notice, should rain begin to fall,
the guests could be adequately sheltered and enter-
tained under the protecting roof-tree.

Ordinarily a garden party begins at three o'clock
and concludes at seven. It becomes a difficult and
rather clumsy affair if prolonged into the night with
dancing, etc Occasionally, however, longer hours may
be appointed, as in the case of a Fourth of July celebra-
tion, when, after twilight has fallen, a grand display of
fireworks is prepared as a fitting conclusion to the fes-
tivities.

Requirements for a Garden Party

WHETHER the scene of a garden party is a
cottage garden or the extensive grounds of a
beautiful estate, the preparations required of a hostess
are essentially the same. Faultlessly mowed lawns,
freshly rolled gravel, and flower-beds from which all
dead leaves and faded blossoms have been plucked,
are necessary to give a pretty and agreeable setting to
the entertainment. The lower floor of the house is
set in order and decorated with fk)wers ; the doors and
windows are left hospitably and cheerfully open, and
chairs set forth on the verandas for the use of elderly
or delicate persons who fear early dews.

Music may be provided; but in what form, the
giver of the entertainment must let her own taste and

314 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the circumstances decide. An orchestra of mandolins,
banjos, and guitars discourses admirable harmonies in
the open air, and can be stationed on a veranda or se-
creted amid the shrubs.

It is not necessary to provide special diversions for
the guests at a garden party. But if the grounds in-
clude a good croquet lawn or a tennis court, this should
be put in order, with the wickets in place and balls,
racquets, and mallets laid forth conspicuously, for the
use of those whose energy is sufficient for a game.
Should the estate include a lake, then pleasure boats —
dry, clean, and presided over by a competent man —
would add infinitely to the enjoyment of the company.

Though at a garden party, as at a house reception,
the majority of guests prefer to be constantly moving
about and to take their refreshments as they stand,
chairs in abundance are certainly conducive to com-
fort and sociability ; and if the hostess has few garden
benches and wicker seats that she can or is willing to
spare from her rooms, she should rent for the occasion
a number of camp-stools and folding canvas-chairs and
dispose them in groups under the shade of trees or lawn-
tents and near the tennis-court or croquet ground.
Rugs spread here and there under chairs will prove a
blessing to those who may have a nervous fear of damp
grass, while no possible injury can be done to the rugs.

Serving Refreshments

IF a garden-party is held in the season when fruits
are at their best, an abundance of strawberries or
raspberries, and cherries, gooseberries, currants, peaches,
or plums, should be served, with ices, cakes, cold and

Thirteen] ^Ettjetl ^EttieiS 3i5

hot tea, sandwiches, salad, claret cup and iced lem-
onade.

Under a big, brightly striped awning, from a long
table heaped with flowers, dishes, and baskets of deli-
cacies, these refreshments can be dispensed by maid-
and men-servants ; and one corner or the tent can be
curtained off for a butler's pantry. Most of the guests,
as they feel the need for food, can pass under the awn-
ing, ask for whatever they desire and be waited upon
by the maids in charge, while to the indolent and to
elderly ladies the servants or the gentlemen of the
company can carry whatever is wanted.

With less expense and trouble, the buffet may be
spread on the veranda and presided over by a couple
of maids. In an arbor or under some thick-foliaged
tree there may stand a big bowl of cold punch or lem-
onade throughout the afternoon, always ready for guests
as they feel the need of a cool drink. To one room
on the lower floor of the house the ladies, as they
arrive, can be directed to put off unnecessary wraps,
and the library is usually given up to the gentlemen
for this purpose. It is important to arrange for the
accommodation of the carriages of the guests who drive
from a distance ; and a man-servant stationed before
the door, to assist the guests in dismounting, can direct
each coachman where to take his stand to wait until he
is wanted.

Receiving on the Lawn

AT the earliest hour at which the promptest guest
may be expected, the hostess warns the mu-
sicians to begin their programme, and, dressed in a
delicate afternoon toilet, places herself on the lawn to

3i6 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

greet every arrival. She can, if she pleases, dispense
with her hat, using her chiflFon-flounced parasol to shield
her eyes. To each arriving guest she must give her
hand and a word of greeting ; and unless others claim
her attention at once, she can make introductions and
enjoy something more than a welcoming word with
every friend as he or she appears. A hostess may
receive with her husband, a son, a daughter or a fnend
beside her, or she may receive alone. She does well
to maintain her conspicuous position throughout the
afternoon, unless the party is very simple and her
invitation list has been limited. While by keeping a
sharp lookout she is herself always ready to go tor-
ward the instant a new guest appears, she is privileged
to move about actively among ner guests, conversmg
and introducing and seeing that everyone is served
and made as happy as possible. But if the persons
invited number a hundred or more, she must rely on
other members of her family to look after the comfort
and entertainment of individual guests, for her time
will be fully taken up in keeping pace with the current
of arrivals and departures that must flow past her all
the afternoon.

Attending a Garden Party

ARRIVED at the scene of the entertainment,
guests alight before the house door and, enter-
ing the house, divest themselves in the dressing-rooms,
the men of their driving-coats and the women of their
heavy veils. They then proceed at once to the lawn,
there to greet the hostess and give up the remainder
of the afternoon to following their own devices. Gen-

Thirteen] ^Ettiett Ij^ttXtii Ji?

tlemen accompany ladies to the marquee, or tent, where
the food is served, or ladies go in couples or groups,
and ask a servant in charge for whatever they wish.

Both men and women guests time their arrival at a
garden party in some measure according to their own
convenience ; but it is hardly in good taste to treat a
garden party in this particular with quite the freedom
that is allowed in the case of a house tea. One is,
however, privileged either to remain the entire after-
noon, strolling about the grounds and gossiping with
pleasant acquaintances, or to stop but twenty minutes.

When guests are leaving, if the hostess is occupied,
it is most discreet not to interrupt her conversation,
but to give the servant at the door directions to call
the carriage, and, when it is ready, depart without
taking formal leave. On the other hand, if departure
is delayed until the end of the afternoon, it is politest
to bid the hostess farewell with a cordial compliment
on the afternoon's entertainment.

At a very large garden party the guests, as a rule,
leave their cards on entering or departing from the
house ; at a small al fresco affair this would be a need-
less formality.

Garden-Party Dress

WHILE women always dress for a garden party
in their lightest flower-festooned hats and deli-
cate foulards or organdies, and carry their flufliest sun-
shades and wear their whitest gloves, men are privileged
to appear in either yachting flannels and straw hats or
frock coats and high hats. In this country the preju-
dice seems to be in favor of the less formal costume.

3i8 Kncycloptedia of Etiquette

At a garden party in June an eminently appropriate
toilet For a man would be white duck trousers, white
shoes, a white pique waistcoat, white or colored linen
shirt, with a white standing or high turn-over collar,
small colored bow, straw hat and a dark serge sacque
coat. A complete suit of white flannel or serge, or a
suit of light gray or fancy flannel, worn with colored
linen, a colored four-in-hand or bow tie, white or brown
or patent-leather Oxford ties and a white waistcoat,
makes an equally appropriate combination. Gloves,
as a rule, are conspicuous by their absence at any but
garden parties given early in the season and attended by
frock-coated gentlemen from town, or at the afternoon
fetes given at Newport.

Chapter FOURTEEN

JTunerate

Necessary Preparations

AS soon as a death occurs in a private
house, the fact is at once made known
to the outer world by the closing of all
blinds, or the drawing of the long linen
>- shades, at the front of the house ; the
bell is muffled ; and a servant is stationed in the front
hall to open the door, give and receive messages, admit
callers and cards and otherwise aid in preserving order
and silence. This servant, if a maid, wears a black gown,
white collar and cuffs and white apron and white cap
with black ribbons. A man-servant wears plain black
livery.

A very commendable custom, frequently followed
to-day, is that of fastening to the door-bell, in place of
the sombre crape or broad black ribbon, floating ends of
white ribbon and a wreath or long sprays of white or
lilac flowers. This is done when the deceased is a
young or unmarried person of either sex. A sheaf of
white roses or white carnations, with white ribbon, de-
notes the death of a young girl or a child, while roses
and violets with a white ribbon, or roses with a black

320 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

ribbon, signifies that an older unmarried man or woman
has slipped out of life. For a married person, unless
very young, the plain crape streamers would be used.

Except in sparsely settled country districts, where it
is of necessity still the rule to send from house to house
by mounted messenger black-bordered written or en-
graved funeral notices, the newspaper columns ade-
quately serve as the medium through which to an-
nounce the bereavement and obsequies to the world.
Briefly as possible the notification should be worded,
and, though sympathetic friends or relatives may express
their sentiments in verse or prose, these efRisions must
not be published with a public announcement. This
rule would not, of course, apply to resolutions of sym-
pathy and regard voted by business associates, em-
ployees, or the members of an organization of which
the deceased may have been a valued officer. Such
public or semi-public expressions are often added to
the notice of the funeral of a prominent citizen, and
are entirely befitting the circumstances.

The greater number of notices to-day inform the
public that the interment will be private, and the sen-
tence " Please omit flowers " is oftener than not sub-
joined, for with a growing taste for privacy and sim-
plicity we have learned to eliminate all the vain and
foolish outward demonstrations of grief and the useless
display of floral decoration that is, after all, but a relic
of barbaric and ancient burial customs. To the pub-
lished notice of a death is subjoined the information that
the interment will be private, when it is desired to escape
the presence of many witnesses at the trying ordeal in
the cemetery and the necessity of marshalling a lengthy
funeral train from the church to the grave side.

Fourteen] ^^tlttalSl 3^1

Who Takes Charge

IF there is no male member of the bereaved family
capable of fulfilling satisfactorily the many demands
that arise in connection with a funeral, into the hands
of one or more near relatives or intimate and trust-
worthy friends the grief-stricken household should con-
fide all the preparation for and conduct of the ceremony.
The person appointed to this service should be studious
to relieve those on whom the bereavement immediately
falls as far as possible of any thought concerning the
details of the nineral, and serve as a check upon the
undertaker, who, when given full authority, is apt to
lean toward lavish expenditure and unpleasing display.
He should see that the proper announcement is made
in the newspapers, make arrangements with the sexton,
determine, or help to determine, the order of the funeral
procession ; advise in the selection of pall-bearers, if
such a guard of honor is to be appointed, and confer
with the clergyman chosen to officiate, to definitely
settle all points concerning the services, music, and
decorations of the church.

The Ladies of the Bereaved Family

FROM the moment the front blinds are drawn until
the funeral cortege leaves for the church or cem-
etery, none of the feminine members of the afflicted
household should be seen abroad. Any reasonable
dressmaker can be persuaded to call at the house to
take orders and give fittings for suitable mourning
dress, while some woman relative or friend can be re-

322 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

lied upon to do necessary shopping and fulfil all
duties in connection with the outside world, such as
writing requisite notes and seeing callers who are ad-
mitted. For any notes or letters that must be written
in the name of the family black-edged paper is used.
The servant at the door must be given full instructions
as to the proper answers to be made in return for mes-
sages of sympathy and as to who shall be admitted and
who refused audience with the ladies of the family.

Special Expenses

THOUGH clergymen of Protestant churches make
no charge for conducting funeral services, either
at the home of the deceased or at the church, and many
would refuse a gratuity for this office, a fee is some-
times given by persons who wish to express substantial
thanks for the favor and consolation conferred. What
the fee shall be every individual appreciative of the
clergyman's kindness can settle with his own heart
and pocket. When the funeral is held some distance
from the clergyman's home and a long drive is neces-
sary to reach the cemetery, then a carriage is placed
at his disposal to convey him to the house or church,
later to the cemetery, and finally back home. In the
Catholic Church the fees for conducting funerals are
fixed, and are learned by inquiry at the vestry of the
church.

In the case of a church funeral, a fee is necessary for
the sexton who opens the church ; the organists and
vocalists must be paid for their services ; and carriages
must be provided to convey not only the members of
the family and relatives, but also the pall-bearers and

Fourteen] ^jfUtlttalSl 3^3

such near friends as the occasion and special circum-
stances dictate, to the church and afterward to the
cemetery.

Simplicity an Evidence of Dignity and

Good Taste

THE time is happily passed when a funeral can
fittingly be made the occasion of display and
profuse expenditure. The music, for example, is usu-
ally carefully arranged for; but an elaborate programme
and the employment of famous vocalists is unsuitable
— even vulgar. It is according to the will of th« fam-
ily whether or not the ceremony shall be supplemented
on the part of the clergyman by any remarks. An
innate sense of good taste demands that the casket be
chosen either of polished oak, or one covered with
black cloth, with black or silver mountings. And
there is even special avoidance of elaborately decorated
hearses drawn by beplumed horses, and any extrava-
gant display of flowers. For a house or church funeral
fewer flowers are used every year. None save those
contributed by the closest friends are used for deco-
ration. Palms and ferns had in from a florist are
not to be tolerated ; and no longer is it considered in
good taste to send ahead of the procession a carriage
loaded with bouquets and set floral pieces. In cities,
when a great quantity of flowers are received, the
larger part of such as are not wrought into special
devices are, as a rule, sent to the hospitals, to decorate
the wards of invalids who do not guess the mournful
purpose for which they were originally designed, and
only a few blossoms are laid on the coffin and the grave.

324 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Appointing the Pall-Bearers

FOR a married person of middle age six or eight
gentlemen are, as a rule, selected to form the
guard of honor, and walk just before the casket as it is
carried to the church and cemetery. For a young per-
son — a girl or a very young man — it is the custom now
to appoint this guard from among the most intimate
friends of the deceased. Six young ladies in white
would suitably serve in honor of one of their own sex
and age, while an equal number of young men would
officiate at the funeral of a young man. It is never
good taste to appoint relatives for pall-bearers.

Whoever is asked to serve must receive his invita-
tion from the head of the family of the deceased by
note or by a message sent through an accredited friend
or relative. A lady who had lost her son, daughter or
husband, would either send someone to call formally on
the persons she desires to appoint or she could direct
someone to write briefly for her.

The pall-bearers are asked to assemble at the house,
drive thence to the church, and, after the service at the
church, they quietly disperse, and do not officiate at
the cemetery. The carriages provided for pall-bearers
do not, unless young ladies serve, call for them indi-
vidually at their houses. I nstead, when the request for
service is made, the hour is very explicitly given at
which the funeral cortege will assemble before proceed-
ing to the church, and when all is in readiness the pall-
bearers are shown to the carriages before the door that
have been provided for them. It was an old-fashioned
custom to present the pall-bearers with crepe hat-scarfs
jind black kid gloves ; but nowadays, though the gloves

Fourteen] jfUUetalfi 3^5

are sometimes given to gentlemen as they enter the
house, the scarfs are no longer in use.

Conduct of a Church Funeral

A STRENUOUS effort should be made to carry out
the sad ceremony with the utmost punctuality.
In the case of a church funeral, only the pall-bearers and
the nearest relatives of the deceased assemble at the
house. As soon as all is in readiness, the doors are
thrown wide open, the casket is borne out on the shoul-
ders of the undertaker's assistants, and walking before
it, two and two, go the pall-bearers. These gentlemen
occupy the carriages that drive directly behind the
hearse, and then in the order of their relationship
come the near relatives of the deceased.

The central doors of the church are closed when the
hearse arrives, the vestibule is cleared, and, when the
procession is ready to move, the music begins and con-
tinues as the procession moves up the aisle. It de-
pends entirely upon the special burial service followed
whether the clergyman meets the cortege in the vesti-
bule and precedes it up the aisle or awaits the coffin be-
fore the altar. Sometimes white-robed choristers es-
cort the mourners up the aisle, sin^ng a suitable hymn
the while. But whatever the arrangement followed,
the coffin is borne in on the shoulders of the sexton's
assistants, or. sometimes by the pall-bearers ; but, as a
rule, the pall-bearers simply walk with measured pace,
two and two, before it, and directly behind it come the
nearest relatives.

Parents walk arm in arm in attending the body
of their child, with their surviving children in the order

326 Rncyclopcedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

of seniority just behind them. A widow follows the
body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son, with
her other children immediately following. Then come
the deceased man's parents, and behind these his
brothers and sisters. A widower follows the body of his
wife, attended by his eldest daughter or his eldest son.
The elder children take precedence of the younger in
following the body of either of their parents.

The pall-bcarers occupy the first pews at the left of
the centre aisle, and the near relatives sit in the first
pews on the right.

At the conclusion of the service, the pall-bearers,
walking again in the order in which they entered, pass
down the aisle ; and the members of the family follow
them, directly behind the coffin. When these have
passed out, the central doors of the church are shut
until the carriages of the nearest relatives have been
filled and begin to move off toward the cemetery.

If the cemetery is situated at a considerable dis-
tance from the church, as in large cities, and prayers
are to be offered at the grave, the clergyman precedes
all the others down the aisle, and enters a carriage,
which drives before the hearse.

When the family return home, after the interment,
the front blinds should be found open and all outward
signs of mourning cffeced.

A House Funeral "

WHEN a funeral is held at the house, the drawing-
room should be provided by the undertaker
with a number of folding-chairs. The casket, set on suit-
ably draped stands, is at one end of the room, and flowers

Fourteen] jfUtlftalSl 3^?

are placed on and about it. A servant in mourning
livery admits the guests^ and paii-bearers are not
usually asked to officiate. No unusual provision need
be made for caring for the wraps of guests ; but some
representative of the family should be in readiness to
receive people as they enter at the drawing-room door.
Musicians, if there are any employed for the occa-
sion, are best stationed in an adjacent room or in the
hallway, whence voices and instruments can be clearly
heard, but the performers not seen. It is requisite to
send a carriage to bring the minister to the house;
and on his entering the room to take his place beside
the casket, the members of the immediate family of the
deceased, if they have not done so before, enter also.
The women, if they intend to go to the cemetery,
enter in their bonnets and veils, leaning on the arms
of their nearest masculine relatives. This group finds
seats in the row of chairs nearest the casket. Where
the women of a femily /eel a great and quite uncon-
trollable grief it is more considerate for them to gather
in a room adjoining that in which the services are held,
and no criticism arises where mother, sisters, wife, or
daughters do not appear at church or ceremony and
do not follow the procession to the cemetery.

Mourning Dress for Women

THE first mourning dress for a widow consists of a
black worsted skirt and waist, trimmed very sim-
ply with folds of English crepe ; a bonnet made wholly
df crepe, with a long crepe veil falling in the rear to the
knees, or even lower, and for the first month or three
weeks an equally long veil felling over the fece. Just

328 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

inside the front edge of the bonnet a white ruche of
lisse is set, and from wrists and throat bands of hem-
stitched white organdie are turned back. Dull jet
ornaments, black suede or glace kid gloves, a black
sealskin purse, and black-bordered handkerchiefs com-
plete her sombre attire. Elderly ladies, as a rule,
cling to a slight modification of this mourning for the
balance of their days, substituting, after a year and a
half or two years, a bonnet and rear drapery of light-
weight nun's veiling, and, while leaving off the black
border from the handkerchief and crepe trimmings
from the gowns, continue to wear none but black
dresses, with white muslin wrist and throat bands, black
gloves and purse ; and use only a little jewelry, and that
very simple.

The widow who purposes to leave off her mourning
in due time wears a crepe bonnet and long veil and
crepe-trimmed gowns a year. After this black costumes
of crepe de chine, lustreless silk, etc., are assumed, with
hats and bonnets garnished with black ribbon and black
flowers, black chiffon, and dull jet ornaments. After
six months, white and lilac touches may suitably relieve
the second mourning; and after two years have ex-
pired, colors may be resumed.

A married woman wears, in mourning for her child,
a sister, a brother, or a parent, just such dress as she
wears in case of widowhood, with the exception of the
white bonnet ruche, which is the unmistakable insignia
of widowhood. She also wears her sable raiment one
year at the least, though it is in better taste to assume
second mourning after a year and a half, and not to go
fiilly into colors until two years.

For infants, mourning is by some deeply sorrowing

Fourteen] ^^ttttftlfiJ 3»9

mothers not worn at all, and where the bereaved parent
is blessed with other young children it is kindest to
them to wear as little funeral black as possible. A
baby boy or girl may be suitably mourned for in sim-
ple black, without crepe, relieved with white and lilac,
or in soft gray.

Black without crepe for one month is the suitable
mourning in case of the death of a mother-in-law or a
father-in-law ; after the first month, two or three weeks
of black and white or gray, brightened with lilac, should
follow.

Mourning is not often worn for brothers-in-law, sis-
ters-in-law, aunts-in-law, or uncles-in-law, nor for a hus-
band's grandparents. A young unmarried woman
should not wear a black bonnet and veil in mourning
for her parents, or for a sister or a brother. In either
of these cases, a hat trimmed wholly with crepe and a
small' face veil of plain black net with a broad .border
of crepe, a worsted gown trimmed with folds of crepe,
black gloves, handkerchiefs with delicate ornamental
black borders, and dull jet ornaments, or, better, none
at all, make the proper toilet for the first six months
or year. After that, the crepe is put off, and white
is introduced with the black, and lilac is worn ; and
in second mourning, in the summer season, young
women may appropriately wear white with mourning
ribbons.

Middle-aged unmarried women in mourning for
parents or sisters and brothers, wear just what a married
woman wears in mourning for any of these relatives,
and for the same time.

In mourning for an aunt, an uncle, or a grandparent,
simple black without a touch of crepe, worn for three

330 Kncycloptedia of Ktiquette [Chapter

months, IS the rule. Ordinary jewelry that is not con-
spicuous may be worn with this dress.

For a first cousin, simple black, worn for three
weeks' mourning, is sufficient, though few persons wear
black for cousins. Indeed, to assume crepe after the
death of any but members of one's immediate femily is
a foolish and conspicuous exaggeration of a hypocritical
grief, unless the uncle, aunt, grandparent, or cousin has
lived in near and dear association with the mourner,
who experiences all the pain of losing one who was as
beloved as a parent, sister, or brother. Then the
mourning is worn as deep and for as long a time as for
the nearest relatives.

It is not wise nor in good taste to put children un-
der fifteen years of age in mourning, and no girl under
seventeen should wear crepe. On the death of a parent,
a sister, or a brother, a young girl wears a black felt or
black straw hat, trimmed only with bows of lustreless
ribbon. Her dress should be black, touched with
white about the waist. She should wear no jewelry
of any kind ; but she does not carry a black-bordered
handkerchief.

Mourning for Men

A WIDOWER wears mourning for one year or
eighteen months. For first mourning, com-
plete suits of black, with white linen, black lustreless
silk neckties, dull black leather shoes, black gloves,
cyfF-links of black enamel, and a hat banded with crepe
are the rule. The extremely wide hat-band, like the
widow's veil that sweeps the floor, is entirely out of
favor with people of modest and refined feeling as be-

Fourteen] ;fViXittdX& 33 >

ing simply ostentation^ and a band of moderate width,
like the veil of comfortable length, is much to be pre-
ferred. After eight months or a year, the band is
wisely put off. For second mourning, if it is adopted,
gray or black clothes, black and black-and-white silk
neckties, gray gloves, and white, or black and white,
linen are the proper articles. Men do not, as a rule,
carry black-bordered handkerchiefs.

A gentleman wears mourning for a parent, a child,
a sister, or a brother for six months or a year, as he
prefers. The crepe hat-band is adopted for this uni-
form of woe, but is narrower than that worn by a
widower. Few men wear any mourning for grand-
parents, cousins, uncles, or aunts ; but when they do,
the second mourning, as given above for a widower, is
proper.

A word must be said in condemnation of the grow-
ing custom of sewing a black band on the coat-sleeve
in token of half mourning. This is an affectation bor-
rowed from England, where it was introduced originally
for liveried servants, whom it was not thought neces-
sary to fit out in complete uniforms of black. Coach-
men were sent to the tailors to have their coat-facings
covered with black, weeds put upon their hats, and
bands on their sleeves, and this compromise between
the demands of society and the thrift of the master of
the house has been approved and accepted. The man,
however, who contents himself with simply fixing a
crepe cloth strap to his sleeve for a near relative does
something less than honor to the memory of the de-
ceased, while to assume the band for a brother-in-law
or cousin is the merest form. The worst phase of the
coat-sleeve band, however, is that it remains quite un-

33^ Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

classifiable, since men wear it carelessly for the nearest
or most distant relatives. If a gentleman cannot afford
or does not approve of mourning in black garments
for his parents or his cousins, then he should frankly
abjure the whole livery of grief, for the compromise of
the black band betrays a painfully economical mind or
one too fond of small ostentatious details.

Seclusion During the Period of

Mourning

AS long as the crepe veil and crepe-trimmed gown
are worn, a woman should refrain from partici-
pation in all social gayeties. During the first three
weeks after the loss of a near relative, women refuse
themselves to all visitors except relatives and most in-
timate friends. After this, while not keeping any day
at home, they do as a rule find themselves sufficiently
resigned and controlled to receive a few callers, and to
speak with composure of the recent trial.

Six months after the loss of a parent, sister, brother,
child or husband, a woman is entitled to call very in-
formally on her friends. That is to say, she makes
her call on some other afternoon than that of her friend's
day at home. After six months, she is privileged to
attend concerts, picture shows, and, if she wishes, the
matinee performances at the theatre. When the crepe
decorations are put off, small dinners and luncheons,
and night performances at the theatre or opera, wit-
nessed from an orchestra chair, supply ample diversion,
but not until well along in second mourning is attend-
ance at large dinners and the like ever resumed ; and
balls and the opera-box and the regular round of social

Fourteen] jfUtlttalSl 333

calls are never taken up again until colors are again
worn.

Men do not so carefully graduate their mourning,
nor their resumption of social duties, as women. Af-
ter three weeks or two months, the theatre, club, and
small dinners and calls among intimate friends are re-
sumed, and since so few men wear mourning at all
their social habits are resumed after brief retirement.
It should be said, however, that while wearing a broad
band on his hat, a man does not go to a ball, sit in an
opera-box, or attend a fashionable dinner.

Ans^ye^ing Letters of Condolence

LETTERS and notes of condolence should be an-
swered ; the recipients of these testimonials of
regard is privileged, however, to await an opportune
moment, when time shall have brought in a measure
self-command.

To write a few lines is all-sufficient when there is no
courage to express one's self at length, and only to inti-
mates should the bereaved individual offer particulars
of this bereavement. It is enough to say, for ex-
ample :

pj Garden Place^

January loth^ ig — .
My Dear Mrs. Holland:

I am grateful for your kind expressions of sympathy. My
mother^ I am happy to say^ has borne this great trial with won^
derful fortitude and a cheerfulness that is a lesson and strength
to us alL She joins me in kind regards.

Believe me very sincerely yours^

Eleanor A. Peterson.

334 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

The HedgeSy

June sthy ip—
Dear Mr. Raicliffe :

Though your kind letter has waited overlong for a reply ^
its messages of sympathy were none the less appreciated. I am
going away for a while^ to try and regain my strength and
courage^ that have been sadly shattered by the cruel test so lately
put upon all my powers of endurance.

Perhaps on my return^ sometime after the fifteenth of July^
you will come and see me-^n the late afternoon^ when I am as
a rule at home.

Sincerely yours,

Caroline B. Fohwell.

When Attending a Church Funeral

IF in the published advertisement of a friend's de-
cease the request to omit flowers is made and a
private funeral is announced, none but the closest in-
timates of the defunct can presume to disobey the
expressed wishes of the family. If the funeral is an-
nounced without special comments or prohibitions, all
friends are entitled to attend the obsequies, even if but
slightly acquainted with the bereaved family.

Those who attend a church funeral should observe
the strictest punctuality, that they may be settled in
their seats before the cortege arrives. If no one is in
attendance to direct them to seats, they should be care-
ful not to take those intended for the relatives and the
pall-bearers. As the strains of the funeral march or
the notes of the opening hymn begin to sound, the
whole congregation rise and remain standing until the
chief mourners have found their seats. At the conclu-
sion of the service, the congregation rise and stand

Fourteen] jfUtlftalSl 335

waiting, until the funeral procession has passed out,
and then quietly disperse. If the published notice of
a death, as is now frequently the case, informs the pub-
lic that the interment will be private, it is an intrusion
for any but the nearest relatives and a few particularly
invited friends to follow the mourners to the cemetery.
In the large cities nowadays, for none but near rela-
tives and special friends of the mourners are carriages
provided for conveyance to and from the cemetery ;
and when others attend to the cemetery (as they prop-
erly may if the interment is not announced to be pri-
vate) they furnish their own conveyance, usually join-
ing the funeral procession in their own carriages. In
case carriages for more than the near relatives and
special friends are provided and are in waiting at the
church, members of the general funeral congregation,
on coming out of church, are free to step into them as
they drive up in quick succession.

Many persons are troubled to know if at the con-
clusion of a burial they are privileged to drive to their
own homes in the carriage provided for their convey-
ance to the cemetery. The answer to this is yes, if the
funeral takes place in a town or city. In that case, the
carriage is dismissed at one's own door.

No longer is it permissible to follow the curious old-
fashioned custom of sending an empty carriage to drive
in a funeral procession in token of the respect which
the owner was prevented from showing by appearing
in person. It is not necessary or considerate for any
but very intimate friends to attempt to take farewell
of the mourners on their leaving the cemetery.

336 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter
Attending a House Funeral

THE etiquette is very nearly the same as that ob-
served at a church ceremony. Ladies' wraps
are not laid aside. The friends enter quietly and choose
seats so that the chairs nearest the casket will be free
for the use of the mourners. Gentlemen remove their
hats and their coats if they wish, but carry the first in
their hands and the latter over their arms. At the
conclusion of the service everyone rises, as the casket,
the pall-bearers, and the mourners pass out, and if the
interment is to be private, then the company quietly
disperses. Sometimes, in the event of a house funeral,
the guests are expected to retire first, and then later
and very quietly the family follow their dead to the
cemetery. I n either case, there is no need for anyone
save the pall-bearers or near and dear friends to at-
tempt to speak with the stricken relatives. The cards
left, as directed in the chapter on Cards, when the an-
nouncement of the death was made, and the call of
condolence to follow, give ample scope for evidence of
attention and sympathy.

No one should attend the religious rites for the
dead at a church or home and fail to kneel, stand and
sit in accordance with the ceremonial used. If profess-
ing a different creed from that of the chief mourners,
a creed that forbids even the empty compliance with
the rites of another church, it is best to absent one's
self from the funeral ceremony rather than betray a
lack of feeling and reverence by conspicuously sitting
or standing while others kneel or bow. Finally, let it
be said, and emphatically, that none but the prying
vulgarian will attempt to attend the funeral of a total

Fourteen] ^^UttElfil 337

Stranger, unless the deceased is a person of such repu-
tation that his or her obsequies assume a public or
semi-public character.

Sending Flowers

THOSE only who may lay undisputed claim to the
title of friend of the deceased or of the surviv-
ing relatives are at liberty to send flowers. No rule
can be laid down as to the choice of blossoms, either in
color or method of arrangement. Very elaborate designs
are no longer considered tasteful ; but a wreath of vio-
lets or autumn leaves, a cross of daisies, a sheaf of lilies
or a box of loose roses, are any of them appropriate.
Flowers are best sent on the day of the burial, to the
house, and at least two hours before the funeral. Every
offering should be accompanied by the sender's en-
graved visiting card, tied with a bit of narrow white
ribbon to the wreath or stems. Above the engraved
name an expression of sympathy is always written in
ink or pencil — PFilA sincere sympathy^ for example. An
equally approved form is to write From above one's
name, and below. With kindest regards and sympathy.

Etiquette for Pall-bearers

NOTHING short of illness or absence from the
locality at the time of the funeral, serves as an
excuse for refusing to act as pall-bearer. A prompt
answer must be given when the request is made, and a
man on being chosen as pall-bearer follows up his
written answer by calling at the house of the deceased

338 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

and leaving his card, if he has not previously fulfilled
this duty. A pall^bearer would feel it incumbent upon
him to send flowers, unless a special request to omit
them had been made in the published death notice.
Having informed himself carefully beforehand when
and where his duties are to begin, he must, on the day
of the funeral, observe the strictest punctuality in pre-
senting himself at the house, in the church vestibule or
whatever place the family have appointed for the pall-
bearers to assemble.

In other times these funeral attendants literally
carried the cloth or velvet pall used to cover the coffin,
and in some localities and on some occasions they do
now genuinely serve by carrying the casket on their
shoulders or by its handles into and out of the church.
Most frequently, however, the pall-bearers appear
merely as a stately guard of honor for the dead, walk-
ing before the casket, carried by the undertaker's or
sexton's assistants, as it is transported to and from
the altar. The sexton, or the person who directs all
the ceremony, quietly informs the pall-bearers what
their position is to be in the cortege. It is customary
for the older gentlemen to walk first. While the cas-
ket is being put into the hearse for conveyance to the
church, lifted out to be borne up the aisle, and again
restored to its carriage, these gentlemen stand near with
uncovered heads, and do not enter their vehicles until
the hearse has passed on ahead. If they assemble at
the house before driving to the church, they do not
remove their overcoats while waiting there; and to
representative members of the bereaved family, if any
are present, it is their duty to speak a few words of
condolence.

Fourteen] jfUttttalfil

339

It would suffice to say to a newly made widow or
to a daughter who had lost her father

/ wish to assure you of my heartfelt sympathy^ Mrs, Blank ;
or, ff^e all share your loss^ Airs. Blanks and you have my
deepest sympathy ; or, / fully appreciate and deplore your great
affliction^ Miss Blanky which you bear with great courage and
fortitude,

A few days after the funeral, a pall-bearer should
call and leave his card upon the chief mourners ; and
he may properly send cut flowers to some of the
ladies of the family, accompanied by his card bearing
the words fVith the compliments ^pencilled above his
name. Not that this last courtesy is an* obligation, and
when making his call it is all-sufficient for a pall-bearer
to inquire at the door after the ladies and then leave
his card without asking to see any of the members of
the family.

Dr.ess at a Funeral

FOR pall-bearers the proper dress is a black frock
coat, trousers and waistcoat to match, white
linen, a black necktie, a black silk high hat with a
mourning band, black shoes, and black kid gloves.
For other men attending either a house or a church
funeral, the most appropriate dress is one that in the
chief features conforms to that of the pall-bearers ; but
the black necktie, black gloves and hat-band, are not
required except for relatives, and, except for these, gray
gloves and a necktie of sober coloring would be appro-
priate. If, however, a man cannot conveniently ar-
range to prepare such a toilet, he should select a black

340 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

coat and gray trousers, the coat preferably a cutaway,
or what is also known as an English walking-coat,
wearing with these a quiet necktie, dark gloves and a
dark brown or black derby hat, or soft gray felt. To
attend a funeral in a flannel lounging-coat, checked
trousers, gayly striped or dotted linen, a flaring neck-
tie, brown shoes and a straw hat, is to demonstrate
little self-respect and reverence for the solemn occasion.
Women strive, as nearly as possible, to wear simple
and unrelieved black at a funeral, though a very dark
worsted gown, with an extremely quiet hat, black suede
gloves and a small black veil, is entirely becoming, if
the black costume is not available. It is better to stay
away from a funeral if only bright-colored garments
are at command.

Letters of Condolence

TO send a few written words of sympathy and con-
dolence to the friend who has suflFered a bereave-
ment is an imperative duty for both men and women
in society. There should exist between the persons
concerned a genuine friendship, however, and to write
a letter of condolence to a mere acquaintance, or one
with whom no calling connection is claimed and no
hospitalities have been exchanged, is merely to lengthen
out the chain of social obligations endlessly and stu-
pidly. Indeed, it is something of an impertinence to
write a letter of condolence in the last-mentioned cir-
cumstances. Card-leaving, as directed in the chapter
on Cards, fully expresses to one who is a mere acquaint-
ance one's good feeling, and beyond this nothing is
required. To a friend, however, a note of condolence

Fourteen] ^jfUtlttElfif 341

should be despatched directly news of the bereavement
is received ; but this note should not be offered in
place of the stereotyped card-leaving. That is to be
always gone through with when the bereaved person
and the sympathetic friend reside in the same town or
neighborhood.

The letter of condolence should be brief, unless
written by a dear friend of the person in distress, and
for such letters, naturally, no rules can be given here.

Aside from its brevity, the terms of a note of con-
dolence should be confined to the sad object of the
correspondence, and references to social or domestic
affairs are irrelevant and ill-timed. To use the formal
phrases of consolation is far better than to gush in
verse or elaborate high-flown and empty sentiments
interlarded with quotations. With some persons these
letters of occasion are easily, nobly, and adequately
expressed, breathing sincere and helpful philosophy,
but it is a rare and lovely talent to touch a grief
familiarly, yet to soothe and not to wound, and the
man or woman who is not thus accomplished achieves
a more pleasing result by clinging to some such simple
formulas as the following, if no original inspiration can
be commanded to supply a substitute :

l8 Berkeley Heights^

-*% 5» ^9 — •
My dear Mrs. Ronalds :

It is with great regret that we have heard of the sad occur^

rence in your family. Will you not accept our united and sincere

condolences ?

With deepest sympathy^ I remain^ my dear Mrs, Ronalds^

Tours sincerely^

Mary A. Flagler.

342 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

Newport^
August 20^ ig — .
Dear Miss Raymond:

I was deeply grieved to hear to-day of the death of your dear
mother. We who know her share in your loss^ and though little
can he said or written to afford you just now any true consolation^
I cannot forbear to assure you of my most heartfelt sympathy.

Believe me very sincerely yours^

Margaret Van Ness,

20 Wakefield Street^
December j, /p — .
My dear Mrs. Boswell :

The news of your great and irreparable loss has been to me a
painful surprise, I had the privilege of knowing your brother in
his social and domestic life^ aside from our association in many
business transactions^ and a nobler^ more generous^ and more hon-
orable man never held the high esteem of all who enjoyed his
acquaintance. I beg to offer you my profoundest sympathy^ and
remain^ Faithfully yours^

H. A. Travor,

Chapter FIFTEEN
Choosing the Sponsors

THE birth of a child may be formally an-
nounced to one's friends and acquaint-
ances by the distribution of cards, as
directed in the chapter on Cards. Very
few persons advertise the advent of a
little stranger in their family through the columns of
the local newspaper. Following the announcement of
her baby*s arrival, the happy mother finds herself the
recipient of notes of congratulation and of calls of in-
quiry after her own and tne child's health. When the
child has proven its strength and the mother is ready
to resume her social duties, she answers the letters of
congratulation, sends cards of thanks for the kind in-
quiries, and begins to plan for the baptism. The first
step in this ceremony is the choice of sponsors, if the
religious creed that the parents profess, such, for exam-
ple as that of the Protestant Episcopal Church, demands
these guardians of a child's birth faith. Parents should
never request any but relatives or very near friends to
act in this capacity. Two women and one man usu-
ally are sponsors for a girl baby, and two men and one

344 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

woman for a boy, though one godfather and one god-
mother suffice for a child of either sex. Usually the
mother writes to ask the service of the friends or rela-
tives decided upon to take the vows in behalf of her
baby ; but there is no reason why the request should
not be made verbally. A proper and frequently used
form for such a request is as follows :

21 Wayland Place.
Dear Mr. Carey :

My husband and I would he so pleased if you would consent
to be godfather to our little boy. Dr. and Mrs. "James are the
other sponsors chosen. We have arranged for the baby^s baptism
at four 0* clock on Sunday next^ at St. Thomas's Churchy and we
hope you will yield to our request and be present on the occasion^
and also drink the health of our son at our house after the chris-
tening.

With kind regards from us both^ believe me^

Sincerely yoursy

Mary T. Willis,

55 Prospect Street.

June ^5, /p— .
Dear Madge :

The baby will be christened next Sunday at four o* clock, in
our drawing-room, and it would give me great pleasure and satisfac-
tion if you would stand godmother to the dear child, who is named
after you, Margaret Fincent. My sister has promised to be her
second godmother and Frederick Morris, my husband's brother,
is her godfather. I count on your consent. With kind regards,
in which my husband joins, I am as ever.

Sincerely yours,

Caroline Morris.

k.u

Fifteen] CJrifitmttlgfi 345

Invitations to a Christening

AS a rule, aside from the sponsors and near rela-
tives, only a few intimate friends of the husband
and wife are asked to be present at the baptism, and
to them brief notes of invitation are issued by the wife.
Sometimes, though, especially in the case of a first
child, the christening is made the occasion of a formal
entertainment, engraved cards of invitation are is-
sued to a number of good friends and the baptismal
ceremony takes place in the drawing-room. The fol-
lowing is a good form for use in such a case :

Mr. and Mrs. Eric A. Morris

request the pleasure of your company

at the christening of their son

on Thursday^ yune fifth

at four o'clock^ at

Five Prospect Street

A Church Christening

WHEN the ceremony is to take place with a con-
siderable degree of elegance in a church, the
font and chancel may be prettily, but not elaborately,
decorated with flowers. At the chosen hour the rela-
tives and friends and the sponsors take their places in
the pews nearest the altar. The parents, the baby and
the nurse drive last to the church, and the baby, in the
nurse's arms, is taken up the aisle beside the mother.
At the head of the aisle, the mother takes her seat in

346 Kncycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the first pew; the godmother, or elder godmother
if there are two, then walks beside the nurse, followed
by the other sponsors, until she stands directly before
the clergyman. At his direction, she takes the child
from the nurse's arms and hands it to him ; and on re-
ceiving it back from him, she restores it to the nurse.
If the child has been brought into the church wearing
a hood and cloak, these are removed by the nurse
before the clergyman takes it. When there is any
doubt in the minds of the sponsors as to their abil-
ity to remember the child's full name, the mother
should write out the name legibly on slips of paper,
and send these to the sponsors the day of the chris-
tening.

If no hospitalities are to be offered the persons
present at the ceremony, the parents may linger a mo-
ment to receive in the church vestibule the congratula-
tions of their friends. When a reception is to follow,
the parents, child and nurse, and then the sponsors, re-
enter their carriages immediately and drive to the house,
while the friends follow.

A House Christening

WHEN a child is christened at home, a font, in the
shape of a flower-wreathed bowl, is placed in the
drawing-room on a small table draped in white. An
abundance of flowers arranged about the room adds to
the charm of its appearance. The child's parents re-
ceive the guests together as they arrive ; and the latter
stand or sit about as they please. When the clergy-
man arrives, the mother disappears for an instant,
then re-enters the room beside the niirse, accom-

Fifteen] Cf)tt£ltmtnS0 347

panied by the sponsors, and the ceremony proceeds as
m a church. Wnere, as according to the ritual of some
churches, no sponsors take part, the mother gives her
child to the clergyman. It is usual for the baby to be
brought in on a lawn and lace trimmed pillow, and to
the little one's fine gown a posy of delicate white
flowers should be pinned.

A Christening Celebration

AFTER a quiet ceremony at the church or the
house, the child's health is usually drunk in
white wine and a prettily iced cake is cut. This is the
least that can be done in honor of the occasion, and
this simple cheer may either precede or follow the
ceremony. When a house christening is followed by
a reception, its arrangement and management follow
the directions already given in the chapter on Recep-
tions. If a breakfast or luncheon follows, then, with
.slight deviation, the rules already given for such en-
tertainments should be adhered to.

The menu of a christening breakfast or luncheon
should be simple, and the christening cake and wine
form the last course or dessert. The cake must be
iced, set before the child's mother, cut by her, and
then passed, the wine, either red or white, following.

The clergyman who performs the baptism is invited
to be present. He goes into the dining-room with
the child's maternal or paternal grandmother, and is
invariably requested to ask a blessing. The host and
hostess preside respectively at the head and foot of
the table, which should be liberally decorated with
flowers.

348 Rncyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

If it is the mother's desire to display the gifts
which her baby has received, she can spread them forth,
without the cards of the donors attached, in some
room on the drawing-room floor. To the ofliciating
clergyman, unless he is a relative or very close friend,
a fee may be sent later.

The mother, under the guide of ordinary prudence
and good-sense, usually sends the child to the nursery
as soon as the christening ceremony is finished and her
women friends have satisfied their interest in its charms
and sufficiently admired its rich and delicate costume.
On the occasion of a christening, the father of the baby
should give its nurse a special fee, and the mother
earns the good-will of this important friend of her
baby by presenting a suitable gown, lace-trimmed cap,
fine apron, or an ornament — ^a pin or chain, or the
like — as a souvenir.

The Duties of Sponsors

PERSONS asked to assume the duties of sponsor
may accept verbally by making a call on the
child's mother, or by note. Conscientious persons
sometimes reflise this responsibility from a very com-
mendable sense of duty which forbids them to accept a
task that they have not the inclination or the power to
fulfil properly. As a rule, however, the person asked
accepts in the spirit in which the invitation is given,
regarding it as a pretty distinction, imposing no very
grave duties, but exacting from them thereafter toward
the child great good-will, if not aflfection. The follow-
ing are proper forms for a written acceptance :

Fifteen] Cf^tt^iXninS^ 349

6y Concord Street^

June 26^ ig — .
Dear Mrs. Willh :

I shall be most happy to act as godfather for your boy^ whoy
from his looksy promises to grow up to be a pride and pleasure to
his relatives and friends.

I will be on hand at the place and hour given in your note^
and can promise you that the sturdy young man^for his parents* as
well as his own sake^ will always find in me a stanch friend.
With kind regards to you both^ believe me^

Faithfully yours^

Johnson A. Carey.

jj Brook Street J

June 26^ Ip — .
Dear Caroline:

I am honored beyond my deserts j and I will stand sponsor to
my dear little namesake with the greatest pleasure.

Believe me^ with sincere appreciation of the great compli^
ment you have paid me^ and with kindest regards to Mr. Morris^

Tours affectionately y

Madge V. Harris.

A few days in advance of the christening a gift
should be sent the child by every sponsor. Any piece
of silver ought to be marked with the little one's name.
With the gift should be sent the giver's visiting card,
inscribed with a suitable sentiment ; and it should be
sent to the child's home, addressed to the baby him-
self. Godfathers usually give silver pieces or jewelry.
A sum of money deposited in a savings bank to the
baby's credit, and the bank-book or a check sent the
parents, is not an uncommon gift when the godfather

350 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

is a relative and wealthy. A woman sponsor may give
her godchild its christening robe, a cloak, cradle, or
carriage, a set of garments, or any one of the gifts
suitable for a godfather. Persons selected as sponsors
usually try to call at once on the parents and send the
mother flowers, and express themselves as flattered at
the honor bestowed.

A godfather has little to do at the ceremony but
stand behind the godmother or godmothers, assent to
the vows, and give his spiritual charge an amiable glance
and smile. At the drinking of the wine, after the
christening, a godfather first proposes the child's health,
and then that of its mother.

Dress at a Christening

IT is the rule for the mother of the baby to wear a
becoming and elaborate reception gown ; and to
the church, white gloves and very light hat or bonnet.
The women guests dress as for an afternoon reception,
when a function of that kind succeeds the baptism;
and for a christening luncheon or breakfast they dress
as has been directed in the chapters treating of such
entertainments.

The father of the child and all men friends, when
the christening takes place in the afternoon, wear the
dress appointed in the chapter on Afternoon Recep-
tions, unless the time is summer, then the high hat and
frock coat may be replaced by a straw hat and becom-
ing suit of light flannels.

At a house christening the baby's mother can wear,
if she chooses, a bright, elaborate, and becoming tea-
gown.

Fifteen] Cj)rifi(tmittgfi( 35 1

Guests at a Christening

TH E friends of the parents usually seize such an
occasion as a christening for the presentation of
flowers to the mother or tasteful and useful gifts to the
baby. This is not obligatory, but it is very often done.
Gifts are sent a day or two before or on the day of the
ceremony, in the manner in which wedding presents are
packed and forwarded (see chapter on Weddings). To
engraved cards or written notes of invitation, answers
are promptly sent ; and at the church ceremony the
guests, as they are never a great number, gather in the
pews near the chancel. Following the service, and
afterward at the house, they are at pains to congratu-
late the parents. At a large house christening some-
what the same etiquette observed at a reception is fol-
lowed. The ladies, as a rule, gather about the baby a
moment, expressing their interest and admiration ; the
wine is drunk when the child's health is proposed, and
the hostess is complimented and thanked on bidding
her adieu.

Chapter SIXTEEN

i$acI)elor Hogpttalttteg

The Bachelor's Tea

THE city bachelor to-day is not a home-
less man whose life is passed in his
club or divided between his business
office and his boarding-house bed-
room. If he is prosperous in his pro-
fession, he lives in a suite of pretty apartments or a
studio suite, where he entertains his friends of both
sexes. To give an afternoon reception is the simplest
and safest form in which he can offer hospitality to the
greatest number of friends. The afternoon reception
may be held to display a newly finished portrait or a
set of fine sketches to his friends ; it may be given in
honor of a woman friend or relative, or it may be a
sort of housewarming in dedication of a newly ac-
quired bachelor home. Whether the tea be large or
small, if the guests are of both sexes a married chap-
eron is necessary. She must be the first person in-
vited, and her invitation should be by note or a personal
call at her house. The chaperon secured, the bachelor
invites his company either by means of brief notes, or
verbally wherever he may meet the men and women

3Sacf)el0r jlogpttalttteg 353

he desire? to entertain. He gives his invitations from
three days to a week in advance of the chosen after-
noon. To the chaperon he might write in somewhat
this form:

Montague Buildings

December jrd^ /p — .
My Dear Mrs. Hoyt :

fV ill you not chaperon a small party at my rooms on Friday
afternoon at four 0^ clock and thereby place me under, the most
agreeable obligations ? I am going to have a tea table and a Rus^
sian pianist to supply liquid and musical refreshment^ and if I can
but count on your presence I shall feel sure of the success of my
modest entertainment.

Believe me sincerely yours^

Roger S, Merritt.

To other friends it would be polite to write:

Montague Building^

December jrdy /p — .
Dear Afiss Jones :

If you and your sister have no other engagements for Friday
afternoon after four 0^ clock ^ will you not give me the pleasure of
your company ? I am having tea^ and some music that^ I think ^ you
would enjoy y in my rooms at the above address.

Believe me sincerely yours^

Roger S. Merritt,

In event of a very large reception, engraved cards
of invitation would be necessary, after this form :

354 Kncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Mr. Roger Langdon Mcrritt

requests the pleasure of

company

on Friday afternoon^ December the tenth^

from four to seven o^ clock,

The Montague Buildings

20 Broadway.

Music.

A bachelor is not privileged to issue cards an-
nouncing that he is at home; nor may he invite his
friends by writing a date and the sentence Music at
four clock on his calling cards and offer them as
invitations. These are special prerogatives of
hostesses. When engraved invitations arje issued, the
request to the chaperon for her service is still by note
or verbally in the course of a special call. For an af-
ternoon reception, large or small, the host has one of
the bed-rooms of his apartments put in order for the use
of the ladies in laying aside their wraps ; the living rooms
are rendered specklessly clean and flowers are disposed
about in vases. If there is a dining-room, the tea
things are laid out there on the large table ; otherwise,
a table is rolled into one corner of the sitting-room,
and the tea service is placed thereon, with plates of
small cakes, bonbons, salted almonds, and delicate
sandwiches placed near it. The windows are darkened,
and well shaded artificial lights are provided. Though
the host command the services of but one servant, he
can still have his guests served very comfortably. The

Sixteen] 3Sacf)elor jlogpttalltteg 355

one maid or man (in afternoon livery) can attend at
the entrance of the apartment to direct the ladies to
their dressing-room and assist the gentlemen with their
coats, and still have opportunity to bring hot water for
the tea-kettle and take out cups that have been used.
If there is only one servant, the chaperon should be
asked to pour tea, and the host and his men guests can
pass the cups and refreshments.

While guests are arriving, the host must be ready
to greet them at the door, extending his hand to every
one and introducing to the chaperon those whom she
does not already know. A bachelor host wears after-
noon dress as described in the chapter on Receptions.
At a small reception he bids every guest adieu, ac-
companies the ladies to the door of his apartment, un-
less very much occupied, introduces all strangers to
one another, and sees the chaperon to her carriage,
or even to her own door, if she has no carriage and no
escort.

When a very large reception is undertaken, a servant
must wait on the door and another serve in the dining-
room. The dining-table should be arranged as directed
in the paragraph on smaller receptions (see chapter on
Receptions), and ladies sitting at either end of the table
to pour the tea and punch, kindly see that guests
are duly attended to and served. For this office young
matrons or young unmarried ladies are invited before-
hand either by note or verbal request. And these are
in addition to the chaperon, who in this case would be
an older lady, perhaps the host's mother, married sister
or aunt. The host himself stands by the door receiv-
ing, with the chaperon near him, at his right, and to her
each guest is presented. At the conclusion of the en-

3s6 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

tertainmenty the host, after expressing his thanks for
their assistance and presence, conducts the ladies who
have poured tea and the chaperon to their carriages.

The Bachelor Dinner, Luncheon, or

Supper Party

WHEN giving a dinner, luncheon, or supper party
in his rooms, an unmarried man follows the
same rules, in nearly every particular, that have been
laid down for a woman when giving a dinner in her own
house. His dinner may be simple or formal, served
by white-capped maids or men in butler's evening
livery, and the menu whatever he can afford. If there
are women among his guests, he selects a married
woman as the chaperon of the occasion. He is not at
liberty to invite her, however, without her husband,
and it is considered in best taste to call upon the lady
and prefer the request for her presence in person.
The host takes her in to the table, unless there is a
lady present in whose special honor the dinner is
given. In that case, the guest of honor goes out with
the host and sits at his right, the chaperon sitting at
his left. All the other guests are successively intro-
duced to the chaperon. When she leaves, the host
thanks her for her kind offices, and a call should be
made by him upon her shortly. The chaperon gives
the signal for the ladies to leave the dining-room, and
leads the way, the men standing while the ladies pass
out. They remain behind, but in a few moments join
the ladies. When women are not among the guests at
a dinner, luncheon, breakfast, or supper party, the host
leads the way to the dining-room or walks behind his

Sixteen] Bacj^elot |^gpttalttteg as?

guests, as he prefers. He places the gentleman of
honor upon his right.

Dinner invitations are usually issued in the form of
brief notes ; but if engraved cards are to be used, the
form given in the chapter on Dinners is the proper one
to follow.

The Bachelor's Theatre and Yacht-
ing Party

DIRECTIONS concerning the conduct of a the-
atre party are given in the chapter that treats
specially of tne etiquette for the theatre and opera.

A bachelor would not gather a party of men and
women on board his yacht for a few hours' sailing or a
dinner, to view a race or enjoy a cruise, without having
some one to act as chaperon. A gig or a naphtha
launch, manned by his own men, is sent to bring his
guests from the shore to the yacht ; and he stands by
the gangway to greet his guests as they arrive and to
assist them to the deck. While guests are aboard his
boat, he should observe many of the rules that guide
a hostess in entertaining a house party. His chief
care is to give the chaperon the place of honor at the
table, to see that she is never left alone long enough to
feel weary or neglected, and to see that his servants are
considerate, and especially that a sea-sick guest, if there
should be one, is given every attention.

A Bachelor's Guests

A BACHELOR'S written or engraved invitations
should be answered promptly. To his teas and
dinners his friends, men and women, wear such cos-

358 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

tumes as have been already indicated for these enter-
tainments when held in a lady's house. At a bachelor's
reception the host must be greeted warmly, and if it is
a small affair, a word of appreciation must be spoken
on bidding him adieu. At a large reception, there is
no need to take leave formally of the host At a dinner
or luncheon given by an unmarried man, he and the
lady who assists him as chaperon must be treated in all
respects with the consideration and courtesy accorded a
hostess.

Young ladies attending a bachelor's tea or dinner
are not required to go attended by their individual
chaperons, the presence of a chaperon for the company
at large, who stands in the place of a hostess, making
that unnecessary. If at a bachelor's tea or dinner
the chaperon rises early to leave, the other women
must leave at the same time.

Chapter SEVENTEEN

Import

Driving

THOUGH nearly every out-door recrea-
tion is practiced under the guidance of
formal rules that the fair-minded sports-
man or sportswoman would scorn to
neglect, the rules themselves, even when
most closely followed, must be supplemented by cer-
tain minor niceties of demeanor that lie rather outside
the exact scope of fixed regulations. Of these small
but none the less important details of conduct while
purstiing a sport, the average man or woman is not so
often ignorant as negligent, going only half way in the
execution of little politenesses under an unfortunate
impression that thoroughness in such matters is really
unessential. For example, the average man is well
enough aware that, if a woman is to be his companion
in a drive, he must draw his vehicle up as near as pos-
sible to the steps or pavement from which she mounts,
turn the wheels well out to admit her easy entrance
to the trap, and standing behind her as she steps up,
guard her gown from any injury. It is not infrequently
the case, however, that the verv same man who would

360 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

do so much with the utmost care, once in his seat,
urges his horse on before the lady is comfortably set-
tled and the lap-robe in place, and on the high road
asks her permission to smoke. Though it is perfectly
true that the Prince of Wales has been seen driving in
Hyde Park with a lady by his side, and a cigar in his
mouth, there is no reason at all for the well-bred
American man to follow his example.

If it is reprehensible to smoke when driving with a
woman, it is equally under-bred under these circum-
stances for a driver, however capable his horses may
be, to force them to their highest speed and to race
them against those of some other driver; also to
fail to lift his hat when his companion bows. Should
his hands be too full to permit the lifting of his hat,
it is enough for him to touch its brim with the stock
of his whip. This is accepted always in lieu of the
more ceremonious salute ; and not only when passing
friends of his own or of his companion's on the high
way must the hat be touched, but also when right of
way is accorded him by any one driving ahead on the
same turnpike.

On a Coach

THE host, if he is also the whip, on the occasion
of a party occupying a coach or brake gives
the chaperon the seat on the box at his left, unless
there is some young lady whom he wishes to honor.
The lady chosen for this place he personally assists
when she mounts. It is the custom to seat the occu-
pants of a high-swung drag as at a dinner party;
that is, a woman between two men; and the members
of the party climb to their seats in the order in which

Seventeen] ^POlTt 3^'

they are placed, since it would be awkward to attempt
to always give ladies the precedence. Competent
footmen are the essential crew of a coach, and they
give special help to the ladies as they may require it in
gaining their places, directed and assisted by the host
and driver, who is the last of the party to swing up to
his seat.

The gentleman who tools the coach is the first per-
son to dismount after the vehicle has halted and the
grooms are on guard at the horses' heads ; and then
the other members of the party descend in the order
in which they are seated. Down the ladder, which is
made fast to the side of the coach, descent must be
made crab-wise, and a couple of gentlemen always
stand on guard when a woman is on the steps, in order
to reassure her and to give her immediate assistance
should her foot slip.

Dress When Driving

FOR a matron or a debutante asked to drive on a
coach during a park parade, on the high seat of
a Whitechapel cart behind horses harnessed tandem,
or in a runabout, either a fluffy muslin and flowery
bonnet, or a tailor-made suit with plain walking hat, is
the suitable costume. Men are m nearly as happy
circumstance, for there is no severe regulation to be
followed in the choice of their driving-dress. The
whip on the box seat of a coach is usually arrayed, it is
true, in a gray high hat and a suit of gray goods ;
frock coat, trousers and waistcoat cut from one piece,
with a white silk tie, white linen, and heavy gray driv-
ing-gloves. This, in early spring or in the autumn, if
the day is cool, is covered by a gray or tan-colored

362 Encyclop(edia of Etiquette [Chapter

box-shaped top coat. In England, whence come our
coaching fashions, such would be the proper dress for
the gentleman whip in the Park, on race days, when
driving to a country club, or simply on pleasure bent
without fixed destination. In America, we follow this
same fashion for our coaching parades and for all
coaching functions, in the cool spring and autumn
weather. But what the English climate permits all the
year round becomes a burden in our fierce summer
heat, and here the gentleman coachman drives his
coach, drag or high wagon very often through June,
July, August and September, in a suit of light gray or
snufF-colored goods, the trousers and body coat and
high-buttoned waistcoat cut from one piece, or the coat
and trousers of light-weight wool, and the waistcoat of
fancy linen or brown nankeen. Brown or black leather
laced shoes, brown or gray gloves and a soft brown or
gray felt hat, or a white panama, complete the costume
properly.

In the country, in mid-summer, a gentleman when
driving usually wears a straw sailor hat or panama,
white linen or light-colored striped flannel trousers,
with a dark serge or flannel sacque coat, brown shoes
and brown gloves. The livery that should be worn
by a gentleman's grooms, and their duties, are fully set
forth in the chapter on Servants.

Driving Etiquette for Women

IT is no uncommon thing, in this muscular age, for
a woman cleverly to play the whip on the box-
seat of a spider phaeton or a coach ; and in this case
what has been offered as etiquette for a man is, with a
few necessary variations, the rule for the conduct of a

Seventeen] ^POtt 3^3

lady. If she has invited a man friend or relative to be
her companion in a Stanhope or phaeton, she does not
call for him at his home or club, but can expect that
he will wait upon her at her own door, aid her in
mounting, and then find his own seat. He descends
first from his place when a halt is made ; and it is
under his care and help exclusively that the lady
mounts, even when a groom is in attendance.

Riding

WHEN a gentleman rides with a woman, he
invariably offers to assist her in mounting and
dismounting, even though a groom accompanies them.
For the first, he stands beside the lady's horse and,
gathering up the reins, puts them in her hand ; then
stooping a little, he offers his right hand as a step on
which to place her foot, and as she springs he gives
her an impetus upward by quickly and steadily raising
his hand, until she has found her seat in the saddle.
As she settles herself, he sees that her foot is properly
placed in the stirrup and her skirt adjusted, and gives
an eye to her saddle girths. Not until she is fully
mounted and starting on her way does he rise to his
own saddle. He takes care as he follows her to keep
always to her right.

It is the woman's prerogative to set the pace ; and
the gentleman beside her lifts his hat when she bows ;
gallops, trots or walks his horse in time with hers ;
goes ahead to open gates for her, and when she is
ready to dismount, again gives his aid. For this last
service, he leaves • his own horse, comes to the lady's
left side, draws her foot from the stirrup, and then
stands so that she can place one hand on his shoul-

364 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

der and the other in his risht hand, thus easing her
descent to the ground. While a strong and skilful
man can fairly lift a woman from the saddle to the
ground, the dismounting is accomplished most com-
fortably for the lady if she brings her horse up along-
side a railless balcony, or some other convenient plat-
form, and the man, after extricating her foot from the
stirrup, holds her horse's head and allows her to effect
the short descent by herself.

At a meet of fox hounds, the gentlemen who ride
restive hunters show consideration by maintaining a
good distance between their too active mounts and
any nervous horses harnessed to the carriages holding
ladies who have come to see the ** throw off."

If a huntsman follows the hounds with a woman
under his care, unless she is a very fearless and accom-
plished rider he must be willing to sacrifice a great
deal of sport for her sake. His heed must be to ride
beside or, better, slightly ahead of her, taking the
easiest, though perhaps not always the directest way,
and hastening on to open gates or lower fences a bit, if
she is not able to lift her norse over every hazard in
the course.

Riding Dress for Men

THE proper costume for a horseman who rides
in a city park is well defined, even in details,
though not infrequently elderly men prefer garments
somewhat less pronounced in cut and finish than
those adopted by younger men. Full riding-breeches,
fitting the leg closely at the knee, heavy box-cloth or
leather leggings, fastening up the front of the leg
from the ankle and reaching well to the cuff of the

Seventeen] ^POlTt 3^5

breeches, a high-buttoned waistcoat, coat with rather
short cutaway tails, a derby or alpine hat, a stock de of
pique, and heavy brown laced shoes and riding gloves,
are what a young man dons for strict propriety. The
breeches, waistcoat, and coat may be all of one color —
gray or dark brown tweed or khaki serge ; or the
trousers and waistcoat may be gray, and the coat of
another goods, in black or dark blue. A complete suit
of khaki serge, the coat a short Norfolk jacket, worn
with boots of brown leather, in place of leggings, and
a white Panama hat, is a modish dress for summer
riding in the country. A riding crop with a bone
handle is carried in lieu of a short cane or riding-
whip, and in the rainy seasons a long box-shape brown
or gray mackintosh coat does good service for protec-
tion against the weather.

Elderly men, in this country as in France, abjure
as a rule the full riding-breeches, wearing instead trou-
sers of the orthodox cut, without leggings or boots, but
with a strap under each foot to prevent wrinkles and an
untidy appearance about the shoe. This garment is
— for park riding — most frequently of gray goods.
The high-buttoned waistcoat and coat are often black,
the necktie white, the shoes black, and the gloves gray.
An elderly man appears to better effect on horseback
wearing a high black silk hat, after the English and
French mode, though there is no objection to be
urged to a brown or black derby.

In the field, a man may wear, if he chooses, his
ordinary riding-dress, though the sport of following
hounds, which we have adopted from England, has
brought with it its own picturesque dress, which, for a
man who hunts only occasionally and somewhat fears

366 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

the conspicuousness of a pink coat, would be a black
coat, white riding-breeches, and a tall black silk hat.
Boots of patent leather with white or colored tops, in
place of leggings, are usual with the hunting-dress ; the
necktie is usually a stock folding broadly and the gloves
are of heavy dogskin. The hunting-crop carried
when following the hounds differs from the ordinary
riding-crop in that it has a long stout lash of braided
leather.

A huntsman who rides to hounds regularly and
faithfully, adopts in all propriety, and with distinct
advantage to his appearance in the field, white leather
or wash-goods breeches, black varnished leather boots,
a double-breasted short-waisted tail coat of green or
pink Melton, a top hat, white waistcoat, white necktie
and gray gloves. Though the hunting-coat is sometimes
cut on the lines of the evening dress-coat and buttoned
double-breasted in front, it is as often shaped on the
pattern of the ordinary riding-coat; that is to say,
single-breasted in front, with the rounding skirts set on
with a seam at the hips and ornamented with square
pocket flaps.

Riding Dress for Women

THE dress for a woman who rides in a park is as
definitely prescribed as for a man. Her habit
of black, dark blue, bottle-green, or gray Oxford mix-
ture, is made with a skirt that falls just a trifle over
her feet when she sits in her saddle ; and with a close-
fitting waist of goods that matches the skirt, cut with
short or long tails, as one may prefer, but buttoning
very high, and opening with small revers under the
chin, to reveal a straight white linen collar and black

Seventeen] ^POrt 3^7

satin or white silk tie. In place of the collar and tie,
for comfort's sake and with an equal effect of tidy
smartness, a stock tie of white pique is worn. The
hair is dressed low, and a small derby hat has rather
usurped the place once held by the black silk
" topper.'* High laced shoes, or patent or soft-fin-
ished leather boots, should cover the feet ; heavy
brown or gray gloves dress the hands, and a bone-
handled crop is carried in place of a whip.

In summer in the country, if the weather is warm,
a straw sailor-hat replaces the heavy felt derby, a shirt-
waist the close-fitting cloth bodice, and a serge or light
covert skirt the heavy wool or broadcloth garment.
Any jewels, save cufF-links and a necktie pin, are quite
out of keeping with the severely simple modern riding-
dress. The horsewoman who follows the hounds
dresses as she would for a canter through the park,
and in foul weather an easy box-shaped mackintosh
coat serves as her special protection, its lines and
finishings modeled closely on the rain-coat as described
for horsemen.

Bicycling

NEARLY all the courteous habits practiced by
the rider, driver and pedestrian have been
adopted by the cyclists ; and manly consideration for
womanly timidity and inferiority of strength is the
first rule of good manners where men and women
wheel together. On a rough bit of highway, the man
rides ahead, to choose and lead over the least diflicult
track. He permits the lady to set the pace, increasing
or retarding his progress to suit her strength. Where
the road is broad, he yields to her the shadiest and

368 Rncyclopcadia of Ktiquette [Chapter

smoothest side ; and up the long hills he pushes her
wheel with his stronger hand. Cattle herded and
loitering in country paths are a frequent menace to the
wheelwoman's peace of mind, and a squire of dames
should, when confronted by such an obstruction, ad-
vance and disperse the animals, or ride between them
and the lady or ladies in his charge. On a narrow
path that is good, but unfamiliar, the man again takes
the lead, in order to be the first to meet any difficul-
ties that may present themselves and as far as possible
help his companion to avoid them. Otherwise, the
lady takes the lead, just as she is the first to mount
when they set off together.

Bicycling Dress for Men

THE accepted dress for the wheelman to-day is, in
cool spring and autumn weather, a complete suit
—coat, waistcoat, and knickerbockers — of serviceable

frray or brown tweed, the coat cut very like an Eng-
ish peajacket, or what we prefer in America to call a
" lounging coat." The waistcoat is high-buttoned ;
and the finish at the throat is a high roll-over linen
collar and necktie of dull red or blue lustreless silk,
with the alternative of a linen or pique stock tie.
Colored linen seems more in keeping with the rough-
and-ready cycling suit than white. Happily, the day
has passed for the Scotch hose of vivid and eccentric-
ally mixed colors and they are no longer admired and
worn. Gray golf stockings, tastefully variegated with
touches of black, white and sober blue, or brown hose
with very fine crisscrossing lines in yellow and red,
now predominate. High or half-high laced shoes of
black or brown leather dress the feet in good taste —

Seventeen] ^POtt 3^9

that is, in harmony with the conservative prejudices in
dress so typical of the modern American man. Heavy
gray or brown gloves and a small peaked cap made of
the same goods as the suit, complete the costume.
But as this is too heavy an attire for mid-summer
weather, it gives place, in June, July, August, and
September, to a suit of Russian crash, heavy brown
linen, khaki serge, or light-weight flannel. The crash
and linen suits are made in three pieces ; but the serge
and flannel are too warm for the waistcoat to be neces-
sary. Then the shirt is a soft-bosomed percale,
Madras, or cotton cheviot garment, worn with a neck-
tie of the same material. A black or brown leather
belt is worn, and a tweed cap, a Panama or round-straw
sailor hat is the most comfortable head covering.

Golfing

A GOLFER may be too unambitious to learn to
play accurately, too indolent or uninterested to
master the rules of the game, yet the etiquette of the
links cannot be forgotten or ignored, and the man or
woman who, through ignorance or selfishness, fails in
courtesy on putting or fair green is sure to be as swiftly
condemned as one who makes a faux pas in a lady's
drawing-room. It is no disgrace for a beginner to make
short strokes and many of them or to use the wrong
club at the wrong time, but it is considered as unpar-
donable a sin to speak or move when watching a fellow-
player make a drive, as it is to attempt to play through
the game of persons who are ahead on the links. In
teeing-ofF care must be taken that one's immediate
predecessors from the tee are at least two good shots in
advance ; otherwise there is too great danger of injuries

370 Rncyclopcadia of Etiquette [Chapter

resulting, as well as confusion arising, from balls reck-
lessly driven among near-by players.

Golfers not playing together give each other a wide
berth on the course, and an approach shot must never
be made on the putting green until that space of green
sward is quite clear. Putting is a delicate operation,
on which success in the game often hangs, and the
player, bending with intense concentration of mind,
eyes, and muscle upon his ball, justifiably feels discon-
certed and angered at the sound or sight of stray balls
falling near. When by an error one plays on to a
green not cleared, one should go forward at once and
apologize for the intrusion.

It is not unusual for rapid and skilful players to
find their progress over the links greatly retarded by
the slow and inaccurate. In such circumstances, the
former have a right to ask permission to play through
and ahead of the others, who, unless they are ig-
norant of golfing etiquette and most unfair-minded
as well, will gracefully accord this privilege, and rest
their game a moment while the more expert players
hasten on. It would be, in this event, even more
polite and considerate for the slower players to volun-
teer this privilege, one of them perhaps saying : / see
you are getting on very fast. Will you not flay right
through^ we are in no haste. With cordial thanks, the
others should respond, saying : Thank you ; that is
very kindy and immediately take advantage of the
chance.

When a man and woman play together, if no
caddy can be secured, the man carries his companion's
bag of clubs, gives her her irons and driver as she needs
them, aids in looking for her ball when it flies far from

Seventeen] ^POt^t 3 7 *

the course, and forms her tees and washes her balls for
her.

Golfing Dress for Men

MANY men elect to wear on the golf links just
such a costume as has been described for a
bicyclist. In summer, a lounging-coat and long
trousers of light flannel or white serge, with a soft-
bosomed negligee shirt, are much cooler and in quite as
good style; or with gray tweed knickerbockers and
waistcoat, a short coat of golfing pink or golfing green
goods is worn, decorated with polished gilt buttons
showing the wearer's initials or some club device.

Golfing Dress for Women

A WOMAN'S dress is invariably a severely plain
wool, duck, OP brown linen skirt falling to her
instep ; a shirt waist, of percale or flannel ; a simple
leather or dark ribbon belt ; broad-soled, laced shoes
of brown or black leather, and a straw or felt hat, with
brim jutting over her face, trimmed sparingly with
a scarf or ribbon. In cool weather a short coat of
the same goods as the skirt is de rigueur ; but many
young ladies elect to wear jackets of golfing pink or
green broadcloth, trimmed with gilt buttons.

Chapter EIGHTEEN

3ln public

Walking Arm in Arm

A LADY, unless she is infirm or elderly, docs
not lean upon the arm of a masculine es-
cort when walking on the street by day.
After nightfall, she may very properly
accept this support. In doing so she
places her hand, usually the left one, just in the angle
of his elbow ; she does not hook her arm through his,
as is too often the ungraceful habit. When two women
are escorted by one man at night, only one of them
takes his arm ; and the women walk side by side, not
with their escort between them.

At night, a gentleman invariably offers his arm
when he sets out to escort a lady. When escorting
more than one at the same time, he does not offer to
support one on either arm, but gives his arm to one
only, the elder. At all times he walks on that side of
a woman companion on which he can afford her the
greatest protection from dangers or obstacles. Thus
he may give her the right or left arm indifferently.
No habit is in worse taste than that of too many well-
meaning men, of grasping a woman by the elbow to

3fn Ij^nWt

373

guide her awkwardly over every crossing and puddle ;
but quite as bad as this is the practice of reversing the
proper order, and the man's thrusting his hand through
the woman's arm.

Bowing

IT is the woman's privilege to bow first when meet-
ing men acquaintances. In doing this, she bends
her head slightly, looks directly at the person recog-
nized, according him, at the same time, a slight smile
or an amiable glance. However exalted her social posi-
tion may be, a well-bred woman never fails to recog-
nize, in all public places, by an amiable glance and
bow, either those who serve her in any capacity or to
whom she stands in the light of a patron. Young
unmarried women usually wait to be recognized first
by married women ; but where there is no question of
difference in age or social position to be considered,
who shall bow first is a point of no importance. It is
true that where a woman has been taken to call at a
house, or has been invited to a house through the good
oflices of a friend of the hostess, she should, on next
meeting the lady of the house, wait a little to receive a
bow before offering one. A young lady takes the
initiative when she meets in the street a gentleman with
whom she may have gone in to dinner or with whom
she may have danced several times at a ball. She al-
ways bows to him, though no further acquaintance may
ever after exist between them.

Too many women have the mistaken impression
that manifestly to refuse all recognition is the proper
method by which to end an undesirable acquaintance or
to administer a rebuke for discourteous treatment re-

374 iincyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

ceived. It is perfectly easy, when desired, to acknow-
ledge a salutation with such dignity and brevity of
glance as plainly to indicate that one's wish is to hold the
person from whom the salutation is received to the
merest bowing acquaintance ; and when the desire is to
close an acquaintance entirely, one need only look
away as the undesirable person approaches and keep the
eyes persistently, but not ostentatiously, averted or
downcast until he is by. This is in most cases quite
as effective and in every way much better than to give
an insolent and deliberate stare in answer to a bow and
smile.

When meeting the same person several times in
the day it is not necessary to bow elaborately at every
encounter ; a very slight smile or glance of recognition
is enough.

In Case of Accident

IT is not permitted, however rainy the day may be and
however fine and fresh her unprotected bonnet, for
a woman to accept the shelter of an umbrella offered by
a man who is a stranger to her. But when a woman
is rescued from some peril by a man whom she does
not know, it is right for her to follow the natural ex-
pression of her thanks by asking. May I know to whom
I am indebted for such valuable assistance ? If her
rescuer is a self-respecting workingman, she may gently
insist on having his name and address, with the idea of
bestowing on him a substantial proof of her gratitude.
If he is apparently a man of some social consequence
or standing, she may wait until later and then, having
in some way learned his name and address, she should
send some man of her family — her brother, husband,

Eighteen] ^Xi Ij^XMlt 375

son, or father — to call on him and give renewed ex-
pression of her obligation. Thijs course, however, is
only pursued where the service rendered is consider-
able. If in brushing accidentally against a person,
parcels or the like are stricken from his hands, it is
imperative to aid in restoring them, and to say, / Ifeg
your pardon ; I am very sorry.

In the Street Car

WHEN serving as a woman's escort, a man should
pay all the fares and fees for her comfort and
transportation. But under no other circumstances is it
requisite to do so ; as, for example, when meeting a
woman friend in the street and entering a car or 'bus with
her. Always when boarding street car or 'bus in com-
pany with a woman, the man permits her to precede
him, assisting her up by a gentle touch on her elbow ;
and if she secures the last vacant seat, he stands before
her or as near her as possible. Should any one move
up to make a seat for her, he lifts his hat in recognition
of the kindness. In leaving the car or 'bus he goes
out first, offering his companion his assistance in
alighting.

There is no rule or formal etiquette compelling a
man to resign his seat to a woman in a public convey-
ance unless she is elderly, lame, has a child in her arms,
or appears overburciened with parcels. But polite and
kindly men must be under a very complete exhaustion
or disablement themselves to continue to sit while a
woman stands. When a man wishes to yield his seat
in a public conveyance to a woman, he rises, and by a
glance or a touch on her arm indicates his intention,
lifting his hat at the same time and moving off to a

376 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

little distance. This delicately signifies that he wishes
to take no advantage of the slii^ht obligation she is
under, and sad it is to relate that rar more often a weary,
shabby workingman feels it necessary to offer this
charming homage to the sex than does his sleek, pros-
perous, well-dressed brother.

When the Hat is Lifted

BY a man acknowledging a woman's bow, the hat
must be lifted and tne head slightly inclined.
Profound and elaborate bows, accompanied by broad
smiles or any gesture, are to be avoided. Under no
circumstances can a gentleman refuse to return a
woman's bow. Having the initiative in this matter,
she may bow or not as she pleases, but once clearly
refused a salutation by a woman acquaintance, the man
so treated should thereafter, by refusing to look her
way, deprive her of an opportunity for a repetition of
the discourtesy.

A man lifts his hat as well as bows in recognizing
clergymen or distinguished or elderly gentlemen of his
acquaintance. To men of his own age and position he
offers but a nod, a slight smile, or a wave of the hand,
unless he is accompanied by a lady, when, whether
she is or is not known to his friends, he raises his hat.
When walking with a woman and she salutes friends
or acquaintances, he also raises his hat, whether the
persons to whom she bows are known to him or not ;
the raising of the hat is not accompanied by a bow when
he does not know them. When passing a masculine
acquaintance of his own age and social position who is
accompanied by a woman, a man lifts his hat, even
though he does not know the lady. According to the

Eighteen] jfjl Ij^UWt 377

recent practice, a man never permits himself to talk
to a woman with his head covered; but the more
rational rule now is to lift the hat when approaching
to talk to a woman out-of-doors, slowly replace it and
then lift it again as one withdraws. A man lifts his
hat when offering a woman his seat in a public con-
veyance, as already noted ; when drawing to one side
in a narrow way to allow her free passage; when giving
any information she may ask; when restoring anything
fallen from her hands, or when doing her some slight
service. He also lifts it when a woman under nis
escort receives some courtesy from a stranger.

Conversations in the Street

WHEN a man meets a feminine acquaintance in
the street and is desirous of speaking with
her, he lifts his hat and, coming to her side, walks be-
side her. If he meets a woman friend walking
alone, or accompanied by a woman to whom he is at
once introduced or whom he already knows, he is
privileged to ask permission to accompany the lady to
her destination. Should she enter a shop or a church,
he holds the door open for her and lifts his hat as she
passes in, but he may not follow, except at her invita-
tion or when that is his destination also. When a man
and woman meet in the street, the woman may prefer to
stand to listen to what her acquaintance has to say and
may even prolong the conversation ; a man, however,
even when meeting his mother or sister, should not as-
sume this privilege, but leave the woman to take the
initiative. A man has no right to join a feminine friend
on the street if she is accompanied by a gentleman
whom he does not know. Friends who meet in the

378 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

street and halt for conversation should not stand in
the centre of the paved way, but should draw well to
one side.

Handing a Woman To and From a

Carriage

THERE are few men to-day who hand a lady from
a trap or carriage with the strong support and
the sure, exact, and easy guidance that are necessary to
anything like perfection in such service. It is only just
to say, however, that if the well-meaning man, with all
his strength and desire to do his duty, does usually
stand too far from or too close to the wheels, ignorant
and undecided as to where and how to lay hold of the
lady in order to soften to her foot the first impact
with mother earth, the lady herself is apt to be awk-
ward in receiving and profiting by his well-meant
though none too skilful assistance. Her care, when
she makes ready to step down, should be to put one
hand (whether the left or right depends upon which
side of the vehicle her exit is made from) in the hand
of the gentleman who aids her ; and, if there are two
steps to the vehicle, her right foot should be placed on
the first one, her left on the second, and then she can
step or spring oflF lightly to the ground clear of the
wheels. All the while her hand should grasp confi-
dently that of the gentleman who supports her. If the
vehicle has but one step, her left foot is placed upon
it, and throwing her weight on the right, she springs
down. Meanwhile, mindful of his duty to serve ably,
her cavalier stands near the front wheel, but well out-
side it, leaving ample space for her descent between

Eighteen] ^Xi Ij^lVC 379

the front and rear wheels. Extending his right hand,
the muscles of his arm stiffened to meet and support
her weight, he takes her fingers with a firm grasp
and lowers his elbow gradually as she comes down,
while with his left hand he guards her gown from
contact with the wheel.

Driving in a Closed Carriage

THERE is not the need of such direct assistance
when a lady is handed to and from a low-
swung Victoria, closed coach, hansom, or brougham.
So conveniently are these vehicles adjusted, with their
easy steps and broad doorways, that having opened
the door of a brougham or coach, the attendant merely
stands, his hand upon the lock, while the lady enters
and seats herself In case of a Victoria or hansom, he
may stand beside the front wheel of the former, or near
the dashboard of the latter, and offer his right hand to
his companion as she steps up and in. Should it be
raining, the umbrella is held in his left hand as he
serves her; and if he is not to accompany her, he
takes her orders, closes the door, lifts his hat, repeats
her directions to the coachman, and again lifts his hat as
she drives away.

If he drives with her and the vehicle is a brougham,
closed coach or hansom, he waits to give her orders to
the coachman before he enters the vehicle and closes
the door. When the carriage has double seats, he
takes his place with his back to the horses, and does
not change unless requested by the lady to do so.
Courtesy exacts, when the vehicle stops to take up an-
other lady, that the gentleman descend to admit her en-
trance, holding the door open for her. If it halts, in

380 Encyclopitdia of Etiquette

order that the lady within may speak to a lady outside,
the gendeman again descends, and stands by the open
door while the ladies talk. On arriving at their desti-
nation, he steps from the carriage first, holds the door
open for the lady, gives the orders to the coachman,
carries up the parcels and rings the door-bell.

On entering a carriage that has but one step, it really
makes not the least difierence with which foot one be-
gins to mount. A litde question is apt to arise in a
woman's mind as to which foot goes first, however,
when the vehicle is high-swung with two steps. Her
right foot should be placed on the first step, and
tnfling as this detail may seem she will, if it is heeded,
find herself entering an awkwardly lofty trap with as-
surance and ease. When two women drive in a closed
carriage together the hostess gives precedence to the
guest, unless the latter is distinctly the younger of the
two. In a double carriage younger women instinctively
give their elders the seat of honor facing the horses.

Chapter NINETEEN

Con:e0pontieme

Stationery

LAIN white or gray unruled sheets folding
once into their envelopes, and black ink,
are the approved materials for social cor-
respondence. There is no objection to be
urged against the varieties of pretty sta-
tionery now manufactured in soft tones of blue, gray,
green and buff, and in assorted sizes of sheet and en-
velope ; but it is in very bad taste to use paper of a
staring indigo, red, yellow or lilac hue, with a highly
glazed finish and edging, folded into envelopes of out-
landish shapes, and written upon with purple, blue or
white ink.

Preferably a lady's stationery is never perfumed ;
but if any fragrance is desired it should be ot a delicate,
almost elusive quality. Dignified middle-aged or
elderly ladies most appropriately use in their corre-
spondence Irish linen or bank-note paper in white,
gray or gray-blue.

If it IS ill advised for a woman to use a pronounced
style of stationery, for men anything but the most
plain and simple is quite inexcusable. White, gray or

382 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter

gray-blue bank-note, linen, or cream-laid papers, all
severely plain, are the only varieties permitted a man
in his social correspondence. The sheets must not be
ruled, and should fold once into their envelopes. In
a man's stationery perfume is wholly discountenanced.
Whatever his business stationery may be, every man
can afford to keep by him a certain amount of good
white paper for all his social correspondence, since it is
not permissible for him to use his office paper in an-
swermg a woman's notes or invitations. At clubs, a
plain paper, simply stamped with the name of the
organization, is usually provided, and this can be
properly used by the members in replying to all friendly
epistles.

Crests, Monograms and Addresses

THESE may be appropriately engraved, stamped,
or embossed on the stationery of both men and
women. The American man rarely permits anything
but his address in simple Gothic or Roman lettering,
thus :

X42 <Pa^t ^Hirttttntb ;|>treet -^ 142 EAST 18th STREET
Iflew ISorfc ^^ NEW YORK

to appear on his note sheets; and the stamping is
done m black on white or gray paper, and in dark blue
on blue-gray sheets. There is no objection to be
urged against a monogram or crest, but if either is em-
ployed It should be no more conspicuous in color than
an address following one or other of the styles just
indicated.

Heraldic devices and entwined initials are more
popular with women than with men ; but it is neces-

Nineteen] Cotrefipotitience 383

sary to caution against the use of parti-colored crests,
gorgeous golden monograms, etc. A crest or a mono-
gram nowadays occupies no more space than a silver
dime will cover, and is placed in the centre at the top
of the page, when no address is given, and should be
left off entirely when the address is used. A crest
is usually stamped in gilt, silver, black, white, or
dark green. But the most fashionable stationery
shows only the owner's house and street number, in
Gothic or Roman lettering, or the name of the country
home, in the upper centre of note and letter sheets.
The conventional stamping is always preferable to any
indulgence in individual eccentricities, such as some-
times appear on paper and correspondence cards, in the
form of gold or silver chirography, purporting to be
that of the sender of the card or note. Very rarely a
monogram, crest, or address is printed also on the flap
of the envelope, as well as on the paper. If sealing
wax is used at all, a dull soft color should be chosen.

Mourning Stationery

FORMERLY a most elaborate etiquette regulated
the width of the black border requisite on the
letter-paper used respectively by a widow, an orphan, a
bereaved parent, sister, grandparent, uncle, or aunt,
each beginning with a black band of a certain depth,
to be gradually diminished as time wore away the
sharp edge of grief. These false prescriptions have
now given way before the dictates of natural dignity
and common sense, and the widow whose note-paper
bears an inch wide edging of black is rather condemned
for vulgar parade of her affliction than extolled for any
depth of feeling. A black border matching in width

384 Rncyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter

that used on her cards is appropriate for the period of
mourning, and the black-edged paper is used just as
long as widow's weeds are worn.

A widower graduates the black border of his paper
by the same rule as a widow. Bereaved parents, chil-
dren, sisters and brothers, do not graduate the mourn-
ing edge on their paper, but adhere to one width
throughout the period of mourning. What the width
of the black edge should be in these various cases is
fully set forth in the chapter on Cards, page 55. Any
stamping of address, monogram or crest on mourning
paper, as well as the sealing wax used, should be black.

Use of Postal Cards

A WORD of caution is especially called for re-
garding the use of the postal card. Socially,
this convenient means of sending a word by post is
only to be employed for rather impersonal communica-
tions, such as announcing the meetings of a committee
or society, or forwarding an address. When peculiar
circumstances leave no alternative but the postal card,
let the message be stated upon it very briefly, with an
apologetic word for its use; and the communication it

bears must not begin My Dear or conclude in

terms of affection. The signature should be simply
the initials of the Christian name and the full surname.

Use of the Third Person

THIS was once the approved fashion of address
in all extremely formal correspondence, as be-
tween patrons and tradesmen, mistresses and servants,
equals who were strangers and very often equals who
were at enmity. In a varied correspondence a letter

Nineteen] Cottesipontience 385

in the stiffly starched, colorless terms ot the third per-
son will rarely occur, for in this less stately or perhaps
more good-natured modern society of ours notes be-
ginning : Mrs. Theodore Brown presents her compliments^
and begs to askj etc., are regarded as rather formidable,
unamiable and unsatisfactory terms of communication.
Mrs. Theodore Brown, in writing to a stranger who is
her equal, to ask her to join a committee or to certify
to a reference the stranger has given a servant whom
Mrs. Brown purposes to employ, begins her note :
Dear Madam, When she writes to a tradesman with
whom she has had pleasant dealing she greets him as My
dear Mr. T'hompson. In fact, she would cast her mis-
sive in the third person only when writing to a strange
servant or workman or when addressing a business
firm, in which cases she would write somewhat in this
form:

Mrs. Theodore Brown wishes to inform Messrs.
Fletcher y Johnston 6? Co. that the carriage sold by them^
etc., etc.

How to Begin a Note or Letter

IN England the custom is to begin a note to an ac-
quaintance with the form Dear Mr. \or Mr s^
Jones y using the pronoun my only when Mr. [or Mrs.J
Jones is a friend between whom and the writer a cer-
tain degree of intimacy exists. In America, the very
opposite course is followed. My dear Mr. Jones is
regarded as the more formal opening. There are
good reasons to be offered for either practice ; but in
America it is certainly better to follow the approved
American usage, and let the pronoun appear only in
the more ceremonious greeting. By many punctilious

386 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chaptw

men it is considered presumptuous to address a lady as
Dear Mrs. Blank until she has first dropped the formal
my with them ; or as My dear Miss Brown, when her
communications have invariably opened with the busi-
ness-like Dear Sir. It is quite unallowable to begin a
letter Dear Miss, entirely omitting the name. Madam
or Dear Madam is the proper address when writing to
either a married or unmarried woman who is a stranger,
or with whom the writer enjoys only the most formal
acquaintance.

How to Conclude a Letter

Ty ELIEVE me sincerely [or cordially or faithfully^
MM yours; with kind regards , sincerely yours; or
/ remain^ dear Mrs. Blank, with kind regards, are all
approved forms for the conclusion of friendly notes
and letters. Very truly yours or yours truly indicates a
certain formality, since it is the conventional expres-
sion with which business communications are closed.
Affectionately [or devotedly or fondly] yours is an endear-
ing subscription proper only between relatives or intim-
ate friends.

Initials, the surnames or given names alone, or
diminutives, are not in good taste when signing notes
and letters. A married woman should sign herself
Mary Blank, not Mrs. John Blank, in social corre-
spondence. In concluding a business communication,
if she had doubts whether the person to whom she is
writing knows her married title, she writes it in
brackets beneath her name, thus :

Mary Blank
[Mrs. John B. Blank]

Nineteen] COtttfilpOtltietlCe 387

An unmarried woman signs her notes Eleanor Blanks
unless a business matter is the subject of her correspon-
dence, and she fears that she may be mistaken tor a
widow ; then she precedes her name by the word
Miss in brackets.

A man writing very formally and on a matter of
business, to a woman whom he knows slightly, should
conclude, / am, my dear madams your obedient servant y
or respectfully y or yours truly. Writing formally, but
not on business affairs, as in a letter of condolence, etc.,
the best phrase is, / beg to remain yours to commandy
and then the signature. It is very desirable for a man
to avoid adopting a signature like these : 7*. Bartlett
WilliamSy J. Ferrers Thompson. The middle name it
is best simply to indicate with the initial, and then
write the first name and last name in full; as thus,
James F. Thompson.

How to Address the Envelope

IT is the approved custom in England to address a
letter to a gentleman as follows : John R. Simp-
Sony Esq.; to a tradesman the name is preceded by the
title Mr.; to a servant it would be written John Simp-
son. Americans use Mr. or Esq. without reference to
the English distinction. A well-bred person would
not, however, ignore all ruling on this point and ad-
dress a dinner invitation, for example, to John J. Jones.
It is a mistake to address a man in this form: John P.
JoneSy Esq.y Jr. John P. JoneSy Jr.y is the form to use.
A woman's name is invariably preceded by the title
Mrs. or Miss. An address should never be in this form :
Mrs. Captain Laney Mrs. Judge Whitey Mrs. Doctor
Burns. In America a woman does not assume her hus-

388 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter

band's honorary title, and the wife of the President even
\sMrs. William McKinley. In writing to a practicing
woman physician, the address, when the communication
is professional, should be in this form : Dr. Eleanor T.
Blank. For a social communication it should be in this
form : Miss Eleanor 3". Blanks or Mrs. John P. Blank.
The address upon a servant's letter follows these
forms : John Hicks^ Bridget Lynch. When a woman
servant is married and has been long employed in the
same family, it is usual for members of the family to
address her as Mrs.

When Writing to Persons of Title

TO THE President of the United States, an
official letter commences. Sir.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your most
obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Mr.
President.

Conclusion : I have the honor to remain most respect-
fully [or sincerely"] yours.

Inscription on envelope : President William Mc-
Kinley.

To THE Vice-President, an official letter com-
mences. Sir, or Dear Sir.

Conclusion : / have^ Sir^ the honor to remain your
most obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Mr.
B .

Conclusion : as given for a president.

Inscription on envelope : The Vice-President^ J'bo-
mas R. Blank.

Nineteen] COtttSpOtltlttlCe 389

To A Justice of the Supreme Court, an official
letter commences and concludes as in the case of a
vice-president. •

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Mr.
Justice Brown, or Dear Justice Brown.

Conclusion : Believe me, truly [or most sincerely^
yours, etc.

Inscription on envelope: Mr. Justice John F. Brown.

To A Senator, an official letter commences and
concludes as to a vice-president.

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Sena-
tor Matthews.

Conclusion : as to a justice.

Inscription on envelope : Senator Henry L. Mat-
thews or Uo the Hon. Henry L. Matthews.

To A Member of the House of Representa-
tives, an official letter commences as to a senator.

Conclusion : as in the case of a vice-president

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Mr.
Jones.

Conclusion : as to a justice.

Inscription on envelope : Hon. Charles P. Jones.

To a Member of the Cabinet, an official letter
commences and concludes as to a vice-president

The commencement and conclusion of a social let-
ter are as in the case of a member of the House of
Representatives.

Inscription on envelope : Honorable William F.
Peek, Secretary of State.

390 Rncyclopcedia of Rtiquette [Chapter

To THE Governor of a State, an official letter
commences : Sir.

Conclusion: / have the honor y Sir^ to remain your
obedient servant.

A social communication commences : Hear Gover-
nor Trenholm or Dear Mr. Trenholm.

Conclusion : Believe me, truly [or most sincerely^
yours.

Inscription on envelope : Governor Horace B. Tren-
holm.

To A Mayor, an official letter commences : Sir or
Tour Honor.

Conclusion : as to a Governor,

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Mayor
Thome or Dear Mr. Thorne.

Conclusion as to a Governor.

Inscription on envelope : His Honor the Mayor of
Blankvilky Harold D. Thome.

To THE Queen of England, an official letter
commences : Madam ^ may it please your Majesty.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Majes-
ty s most obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear [or Hon-
oredJMadam.

Conclusion as for an official communication.

Inscription on envelope: To Her Most Gracious
Majesty y ^een Victoria.

To A Royal Prince, an official letter commences:
Siry may it please your Royal Highness.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain. Sir, your
Royal Highness' humble servant.

Nineteen] COttESlpOlltiniC0 39 1

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Sir.

Conclusion : Tour Royal Highness* most obedient
servant.

Inscription on envelope : ^o His Royal Highness,
the Prince of Wales.

To A Royal Princess, an official letter com-
mences : Madam, may it please your Royal Highness.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Madam.

Conclusion : Tour Royal Highness* most obedient
servant.

Inscription on envelope : *To her Royal Highness
the Princess of Wales.

To A Duke, an official letter commences, My Lord
Duke\ May it please your Grace.

Conclusion : / have the honor to be your Grace* s
most obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Duke
[or Dear Duke\ of Blankshire.

Conclusion : Believe me. Dear Duke, your Grace* s
very faithfully.

Inscription on envelope : ^o His Grace, the Duke
of Blankshire.

To A Duchess, an official letter commences:
Madam, May it please your Grace.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Grace* s
obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Duchess
[or Dear Duchess^ of Blankshire.

Conclusion: Believe me. Dear Duchess, yours very
sincerely.

Inscription on envelope : ^o Her Grace, the Duchess
of Blankshire.

392 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

To A Dowager Duchess, the beginning and end-
ing of a social or an official letter is the same as in
the case of a Duchess. The inscription on the en-
velope would read: To Her Grace^ the Dowager
Duchess of Blankshire, or To Her Grace, Mary, Duchess
of Blankshire.

To A Marquis, an official letter commences, My
Lord Marquis.

Conclusion : / have the honor to be your Lordship* s
obedient servant.

Inscription on an official envelope : To the Most
Noble the Marquis of R.

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Lord
R .

Conclusion : Believe me, Lord R , very sincerely

yours.

Inscription on the envelope ot a social letter : To
the Marquis of R .

To A Marchioness, an official letter commences.
Madam.

, Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Lady-
ship^s most obedient servant.

Inscription on an official envelope : To the Most
Noble the Marchioness of R .

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Lady
R .

Conclusion : Believe me, Dear Lady R , very

sincerely yours.

Inscription on the envelope of a social letter : To
the Marchioness of R .

Nineteen] COtteSipOtttiettCe 393

A Dowager Marchioness. The commencement
and ending of either an official or a social letter are the
same as in the case of a Marchioness. The inscrip-
tion on envelopes, official or social, is ^o the Dowager

Marchioness of R , or, To Susan, Marchioness of

R .

To THE YOUNGER SON OF A DuKE OR MaRQUIS,

an official letter commences. My Lord.

Conclusion as to a Marquis.

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Honorable
the Lord Edward F .

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Lord
Edward F .

Conclusion : Believe me, my Dear Lord Edward,
faithfully yours.

Inscription on envelope: To the Lord Edward
F .

To THE WIFE OF THE YOUNGER SON OF A DuKE OR

Marquis, an official letter commences. Madam.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain Tour Lady-
ships most obedient servant.

Inscription on official envelope: To the Right
Honorable, the Lady Edward Faulkner.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Lady
Edward Faulkner.

Conclusion : Believe me^ dear Lady Edward Faulk-
ner, faithfully yours.

Inscription on envelope: To the Lady Edward
Faulkner.

To THE DAUGHTER OF A DuKE OR MaRQUIS. An

official letter commences Madam.
Conclusion: as to a Marchioness.

394 Rncyclopdedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Inscription on envelope f 1*0 the Right Honorable
the Lady Eleanor F .

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Lady
Eleanor or Dear Lady Eleanor F .

Conclusion : Believe me, dear Lady Eleanor, very
faithfully yours.

Inscription on envelope: To the Lady Eleanor
F .

To AN Earl. An official letter commences, My
Lord.

Conclusion: as to a Marquis.

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Honorable
the Earl of Hull.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Lord Hull.

Conclusion : Believe me, my dear Lord Hull, very
sincerely yours.

Inscription on envelope: To the Earl of Hull.

To A Countess. The beginning and conclusion
of an official letter would be the same as in the case of
the daughter of a Duke.

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Honorable
The Countess of Hull.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Lady Hull.

Conclusion : Believe me, dear Lady Hull, sincerely or
faithfully yours.

Inscription on envelope: To the Countess of Hull.

To A Viscount. The beginning and conclusion
of either official or social letters are the same as in the
case of an earl.

The inscription on the envelope of an official mis-
sive would be The Right Honorable Viscount Bland ;
and on that of a social letter, To the Viscount Bland.

Nineteen] COttefipOtltHetlC^ 395

To A Viscountess. The commencement and con-
clusion of both business and social communications
would be the same as in the case of a countess; and
also the inscription on envelopes, with the substitution
of the title Viscountess for Countess.

To A Baron. The same as for an earl, with the
exception of the inscription on envelopes, which would
read, for an official missive, ^o the Right Honorable the
Baron Blackmoor^ and for a social, ^o the Lord Black-
moor.

To A Baroness. The same as to a countess, with
the exception of the inscription on envelopes, which
would read, on an official missive, To the Right Honor-
able the Baroness Blackmoor^ and on a social, To the
Lady Blackmoor.

To THE DAUGHTER OF AN Earl I The Same as to
the daughter of a duke or marquis.

To THE YOUNGER SON OF AN EaRL, ViSCOUNT, OR

Baron, an official letter commences : Sir, or Dear Sir.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your obedient
servant.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Mr. Black-
moor.

Conclusion: Believe me^ dear Mr. Blackmoor y sin-
cerely yoursy etc.

Inscription on all envelopes : To the Honorable
Lawrence Blackmoor.

To THE WIFE OF THE YOUNGER SON OF AN EaRL,

an official letter commences : Madam.

Conclusion: / have the honor to remain^ Madam^
your obedient servant.

396 Encyclop^ia of Etiquette [Chapter

Commencement of asocial letter: Dear Mrs. Black-
moor.

Conclusion : Believe me^ Mrs. Blackmoory faitbfuUj
[or sincerely\ yours.

Inscription on envelope : T^o the Honorable Mrs.
Blackmoor.

To THE WIFE OF THE YOUNGER SON OF A VlS-

couNT OR Baron : The same as to the wife of an earl's
younger son.

To THE DAUGHTER OF A ViSCOUNT OR BaRON.

The beginning and conclusion of an official let-
ter are the same as in the last two of the above
instances.

Commencement of a social letter: Dear Miss
Blackmoor.

Conclusion : Believe me. Miss Blackmoor, sincerely
yours.

Inscription on envelope addressed to the eldest
daughter of a viscount or baron : To the Honorable
Miss Blackmoor ; or one addressed to a younger daugh-
ter : To the Honorable Mary Blackmoor.

To A Baronet. An official letter begins. Sir.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain. Sir, your
obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : Dear Sir Felix
Greenwood, or Dear Sir Felix.

Conclusion : Believe me, dear Sir Felix, finthfully
yours.

Inscription on envelope : To Sir Felix Greenwoody
Bart.

Nineteen] COtt^SipOtltimfe 397

To THE WIFE OF A Baronet. An official letter
begins, Madam.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Lady-
shifs most obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : 'Dear Ladv
Greenwood.

Conclusion :' Believe me. Lady Greenwood, sincerely
yours.

Inscription on envelope : To Lady Greenwood.

To A Knight. Official and social communications
begin and end as to a baronet. The inscription on the
envelope does not bear the abbreviation Bart.

To THE WIFE OF A Knight, in all respects as to the
wife of a baronet.

To AN Archbishop of the Anglican Church,
an official letter commences : My Lord Archbishop,
may it please your Grace.

Conclusion : / remain. My Lord Archbishop, your
Grace* s most obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : My dear Lord
Archbishop.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain, my dear
Lord Archbishop.

Inscription on* envelope : The Most Rev. His Grace
the Archbishop of Tork.

To AN Anglican Bishop, an official letter com-
mences : My Lord.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your Lord--
shifs obedient servant.

Commencement of a social letter : My Dear Lord
Bishop.

398 Encyclopiedia of Etiquette [Chapter

Conclusion : / have the honor to remaitiy my dear
Lord Bishop J faithfully yours.

Inscription on envelope : To the Right Rev. the
Lord Bishop of Oxford.

To A Roman Catholic Archbishop, an official
or a social letter commences : Most Reverend and Dear
Sir.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your hum-
ble servant.

Inscription on envelope : I'he Most Reverend John
' F. McDonaldy Archbishop of Winston.

To A Cardinal, whether official or social, a let-
ter commences : Tour Eminence.

Conclusion : as to an archbishop.

Inscription on envelope: His Eminence Cardinal
Gibbons.

To A Roman Catholic Bishop, either an official
or a social letter commences : Right Reverend and Dear
Sir.

Conclusion : as to an archbishop.

Inscription on envelope : 51? the Right Reverend
Thomas R. Blacky Bishop of East New Jersey.

To A Protestant Bishop, an official letter com-
mences as in the case of a Roman Catholic bishop. A
social letter commences : Dear Bishop Greene.

Conclusion : / have the honor to remain your obedient
servant y or / remain respectfully or sincerely yours.

Address on envelope : The same as to a Roman
Catholic Bishop.

Nineteen] Cottedpontienee 399

To A Roman Catholic Priest or a Protestant
Minister, an official letter commences : Reverend and
Dear Sir. A social letter : Dear Father Hally if to a
priest, Dear Doctor Hall, or Dear Mr. Hally if to a
minister.

Conclusion : in an official letter the same as to a
bishop; in a social letter: Il^eg to remain faithfully [or
sincerely\ yours.

Inscription on envelope : The Reverend John Por-
terman Hall. But if the person addressed is a doctor
of divinity, the letters Z). D. may be added to his
name, or the address may read: Reverend Dr. John
Porterman Hall.

Chapter rWENTT

Cfjilftrm

Their Speech

GOOD manners, as well as charity, should
begin at home ; and even in the nursery.
Boys and girls cannot be too early
taught not to contradict one another,
but in expressing any difference of opin-
ion to begin with some polite phrase, as, / beg your
pardon^ buty or, / think you are wrongy etc. None but
an untrained child will vent\ire to correct or gainsay an
elder even in this courteous fashion unless asked to
give his or her knowledge or opinion of the matter
.under discussion. In doing away with the old and
arbitrary ruling that children should be seen and not
heard, we Americans have allowed our young people
to run quite wild in the new liberty accorded them, and
the little American girl and her brother have earned a
very unsavory reputation in foreign countries, where
their ready expression of quite unsolicited opinions,
their forwardness in seizing a part and voice in conver-
sations that do not concern them, and their prompti-
tude in giving unasked advice, inspires not admiration
for their undeniable intelligence and independence^ but

Cfjiltirett 401

profound amazement at the lack of modesty and good
breeding they display.

In the presence of strangers or older persons, a
polite little man or maid would forbear to speak until
an opportunity was offered by a pause, or to assist in
the conversation unless asked to do so. Tes^ noy I
thank yoUy I am not sure^ per haps y I hope sOy as answers
to questions, are eminently proper when a child speaks
to one of its own age. For older persons, TeSy mcCamy
and Noy siVy imply the respect exacted from and paid by
a servant to his or her employer. For children the
need of deference due their seniors is amply, and in
well-bred families invariably, expressed by affixing to
the reply the name or title of the person addressed,
thus : YeSy mother ; Noy papa ; Thank yoUy Aunt
Mary ; I am not surey Mrs. Brown ; I hope sOy Doctor
Jones.

Greeting Friends and Strangers

ON introduction to an older person, it is no more
commendable for a boy or girl to press forward,
crying out in an excess of manner, Welly Mrs. JoneSy
how ao you do ? I am very glad to see you. I hope all your
family are quite well — than it is for some untrained
little unfortunate, with hanging head and sullen face, to
mumble a sentence, and pushed forward by its mother,
reluctantly hold out a limp hand or extend an unwil-
ling cheek.

Recognition should come first from the adult, as
well as the offer to kiss or shake hands. How do you
doy Mrs. Brown ; or Good morningy Mr. JoneSy is suf-
ficient expression of greeting from the young person ;
and he further displays good taste and modesty by per-

402 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

mitting the lady or gentleman addressed to begin the
conversation and to end it. On entering a room where
her mother is entertaining a guest, a little girl stands
beside the mother's chair until an introduction is made;
and if a favor or question is to be asked, she should
politely request permission to ask it ; and she should
remember to give the caller a polite good-day on retir-
ing.

The Well-trained Child

A BOY would observe exactly the same rule. And
in the street, when walking with his parents or
sisters, he should lift his cap when they answer a bow
or meet a friend. A boy can hardly learn too early
that he should stand when the ladies enter a room, and
open the door for his mother and older sisters. A shy
child or an impertinently forward one is not improved
by receiving correction in public from the parent who is
too indifferent to strive for reformation of his or her short-
comings in private. An untrained child will contradict
its mother promptly and impertinently abroad, if
allowed to do so at home ; it will openly stare or laugh
at an unhappy deformity, frankly comment on a visi-
tor's loss of an arm or redness of nose, and will accept
remonstrance with bad grace, if only in the presence of
strangers any restraint is put upon its often innocently
unkind or malapropos observations.

The Shy Child

THERE is really no difficulty at all presented by
the condition so often miscalled " shyness " in
a child. Few children are naturally shy. Self-con-
sciousness, an excess of vanity, a sullen humor, or a

Twenty] €f)iit^ttn 403

timidity engendered by a genuine unhappy ignorance
of what to do, are too often the true causes of the ill
behavior for which mothers too readily offer the ortho-
dox excuse. No well-mannered child is ever too shy to
speak when spoken to or to play its modest little social
role ; and a simple course in children's etiquette insti-
tuted tactfully at home and maintained with persistency
and care will, in the end, unfailingly dissipate the so-
called diffidence, very like morning mists before the
sun's rays.

Now and then a boy or girl of a nervous tempera-
ment and lacking wholly in self-confidence betrays a
case of shyness pure and simple. This a sensible mother
can do much to overcome by herself rehearsing with
the youngster many forms of entering a room, answer-
ing kind greetings, etc. She would make a serious
effort to assist her child in acquiring such an accom-
plishment as dancing or playing an instrument ; there-
fore, why does not the acquirement of a graceful bear-
ing merit as earnest an endeavor ?

Children's Entertainments

TH £ afternoon nursery party has its duties, self-
sacrifices, pretty courtesies and demands upon
juvenile tact, no less than the more splendid affairs of
the salon. Even in the playground it is important for
the youthful host and hostess to understand the obli-
gation resting on them to sacrifice their own pleasure
for that of any guest and play those games the visitor
prefers ; and on the occasion of a birthday dance or
more elaborate celebration, it is not correct for the en-
tertainers to be the most elegantly dressed of the
merry-makers.

404 Encyclopisdia of Etiquette [Chapter

Their Invitations

ON small, prettily decorated note sheets or cards,
invitations to a child's party may be written,
under the mother's guidance, by her children, and
either posted or delivered by hand. An invitation to
a small dance may be written in the third person, as
follows :

Miss Mary and Master Edward Tborne

Hope to have the pleasure of

Miss Eleanor Bliss^ company

at a dance at six (f clock
Thursday eveningy August ^rd^
R, s. V. p. The Pines

or
Miss Mary Pollock Brown

requests the pleasure of

Mr. Harold Jones' company

at her birthday party on the afternoon
of May the twenty^fifth^ at half past
four o'clock
R. s, V. p.

Engraved invitations are not to be recommended
for children's entertainments, though in New York,
Boston and other cities, in circles where great wealth
is enjoyed, invitations to very elegant juvenile parties
are often issued in this extremely ceremonious, though
rather incongruous, form ; and the wording is very
nearly that used on the cards issued by their elders.

Twenty] Cfjlltltttl 405

When a nursery entertainment is on foot, or chil-
dren are to be invited formally to a tea or luncheon
party, notes are written and sent out by mail, or deliv-
ered by the hand of a servant or even by the youthful
host or hostess. Such notes should be written by the
young person who is to do the honors of the occasion,
and the following are safe models to follow in case doubts
arise as to the wording of the missives :

12 Mayflower Street.
Dear Jeannie:

I hope very much that you and Annie will come on Wednesday
afternoon to a tea party on our lawn. Ml the girls and boys of
our class are invited^ and I shall be very disappointed not to see
you both*

Ever yours J

Sallie B. Holt.

T'he Beeches.
Dear Jack :

My mother is going to give a picnic for my birthday next
Saturday. Do come. Everybody is to meet here at ten o^clock^
and drive in my father^ s big wagon to the Falls. About fifteen in
all. I hope it will not rain and that you will be sure to come and
bring your banjo.

Very sincerely yours^

Teddy L. Black.

The Boy and Girl Host

FROM four to seven o'clock is the proper time for
holding a dance for young children ; and from
seven to ten or eleven, for those under sixteen and
over ten years of age. For a children's party held in
the afternoon in winter, the house blinds should be

4o6 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette [Chapter

closed, and artificial light provided. A piano or a
piano and harp will provide all the necessary music.
Flowers may be used in abundance; and ices^ cakes,
fruits, salads and sandwiches are served from the din-
ing-room table as a buffet A bowl of lemonade stands
constantly ready by the parlor door, and dance pro-
grammes are provided. In summer, an afternoon
entertainment is best held out on the lawn, and as
twilight comes on, paper lanterns used. Some older
person should aid the young ones in receiving the little
people, and impress on the small host or hostess that
the most important duty of the occasion is to see
that the guests have a good time ; that in the diver-
sions there is no injustice done ; that no girl or boy is
overlooked during the dancing ; and that everybody
is served at the table.

Answering Juvenile Invitations

CHILDREN on being invited to a party must
answer their invitations promptly, writing the
replies themselves, either in the third or first person,
according as the bidding to the festivity was worded.
An answer to the first forms of invitation given on
page 404 would probably run thus :

Miss Eleanor Bliss

will come with great pleasure to

Miss Mary and Master Edward Thome* s

dance at six 0^ clock Thursday
evenings August ^rd

Twenty] Cfjlltlten 40?

Mr Harold Jones

is very glad to accept

Miss Mary Pollock Brown* s

kind invitation

to her. birthday party on the afternoon

of May the 2^th at half past four o^ clock

Answers to the second form of invitation, shown
on page 405, might be worded thus :

22 Morton Street.
Dear Sallie :

Annie and I are very glad you are to give a tea party ^ and
we will come with a great deal of pleasure. We hope Wednes-
day afternoon will be fine^ and with many thanks for your kind
invitation^ I am ever yourSy

Jeannie Macgregor^

Bayview.
Dear Teddy :

I will come to your picnic with the greatest pleasure, Tou
are very kind to ask me. I will bring my banjoy and be at your
door exactly at ten 0^ clock on Saturday.

Very sincerely yours^

Jack F. Marstonn

It is never a wise course for parents to take upon
themselves to write the answers for their children's in-
vitations, or to extend, regret or accept invitations
over the young people's heads because, forsooth, the
youngsters' chirography is crude and their spelling
doubSuL Given directions and the proper models to
follow, any child will find not only pleasure, but great
profit, in painstakingly preparing his or her own social

4o8 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

documents ; and etiquette, like a foreign language, is
never so easily, so thoroughly, and so lastingly ac-
quired as when a familiarity with it is gained in the
nursery.

The Youthful Guest

SHOULD a child be entertaining a guest when in-
vited to a merry-making, he or she is privileged
to write to, or call at once on, the giver of the dance or
picnic to ask permission to bring the visitor along.
And when arriving for the entertainment, he or she in-
troduces the friend or relative to the matron of the oc-
casion by simply saying: Mrs. Brown^ here is Mary
Jones y whom you were so kind as to say I might bring.

If the party is in honor of a birthday, congratula-
tions, in the form : / wish you many happy returns of the
day J are in order from the guests to the young host or
hostess. On preparing to leave, every child should
seek out the mistress of the house first, and say with
a bow : Mrs. Brown^ I have enjoyed the dance very much
and have come to bid you good evenings or Good nighty
Mrs. Brown. 1 thank you many times for my delightful
evening. Unless Mrs. Brown offers her hand or a
kiss to her little guest, the bow and polite farewell are
enough. With the younger host or hostess less formal-
ity is necessary, but it is requisite to seek him or her
out and say cordially, Good-bycy Bob [or Maryl^ ; / have
had a very pleasant time indeed.

Choosing Children's Playmates

THE most important branch of etiquette for a
woman to study is that which has to do with
the pleasure, comfort and protection of her children.

Twenty] Cfjiltiren 409

It is a species of nursery and back-yard diplomacy
that the young ones themselves don't understand, and
of which the average woman is only too ignorant ; but
it has everything to do with maintaining ner own sta-
tion and good name in her neighborhood, or town, or
street. Its first mission is to regulate and control the
children's list of visiting and playing acquaintances, for
small boys and girls are scarcely expected to show
much discretion in their choice o/friends.

The safe and only method is to be constantly and
carefully questioning the children themselves as to their
young friends, and always to insist that any child whose
games they take part in and whose house they are
asked to visit, shall be invited to their own nursery
and to meet their own mother. If a child refuses in-
vitations or avoids coming, the mother may quickly
and rightly conclude that either there is something
quite wrong with the young friend or the child's par-
ents object to anything like intimacy with her own
children ; and these can then very easily be brought to
understand that the boy or girl who is too shy, indif-
ferent, or proud to meet their mother, is not a friend to
be cultivated. Children, who are loyal little souls, will
act promptly on this suggestion, and a snobbish or un-
desirable acquaintance is thus easily dropped.

When neighboring children conceive a liking for
one another and their parents are unacquainted, the
latter should be at pains to learn something of the
home influence and surrounding of the companions of
their boys and girls. If in such a case a party is in
contemplation, and the son or daughter of Mrs. B.
wished to extend an invitation to the children of Mrs.
A., it is safest and most polite for Mrs. B. to write a

410 Rncycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

courteous note to Mrs. A. seconding the invitation
offered by her child. If Mrs. A. responds cordially,
nothing more is needed to assure the first mentioned
lady that the youthful guests come to her house with
full parental consent.

The Undesirable Playmate

NOT infrequently a woman finds that the children
of some friend of hers are spoiled, vicious, or
vulgar, and therefore impossible playmates for her own
well-reared children. Then the heroism of a good
mother exhibits itself. She cannot in justice exclude
the children of her friend from her house and acquaint-
ance unless the friend goes too ; but it is better to lose
many friends than to expose the pliable, easily swayed
young minds of her boys and girls to a single evil in-
fluence. On the other hand, children should be
quickly made to realize that it is a derogation from
their own dignity if they are repeatedly asked to a
house, the heads of which never by note or kindly mes-
sage recognize the existence of their parents.

The Tactless Child

WHEN an entirely acceptable but tactless little
boy or girl becomes too frequent a visitor at
a neighbor's house, or fails from a lack of sensibility or
training to know when to call and when to take leave,
a rather difficult duty devolves on the mistress of the
house. Shall she tell the too persistent young visitor
that it is late and suggest his returning home, or meet
him at the door and deny his company to that of her
boys and girls ? If she is a wise woman, neither of these
courses will be followed. The proper method for her.

Twenty] Cf^Ht^Xm 4"

when a boy visitor appears too often, is to send her
own son forth with the perfectly polite request that the
caller excuse him as he nas tasks or errands to perform
for his mother. She should be sure, though, that her
son's excuse is a genuine one, and that his apologies
are made kindly. In the event of a child visitor lin-
gering too long in the evening or at meal time, she*can
very properly say that she fears the young caller has
forgotten that his mother may be anxious and that for
that reason she may not allow her children to ask him
to stop to dinner or to spend the night.

Nursery Quarrels

WHERE, in her own yard or nursery, a quarrel
arises between her children and their guest, a
mother must never fail to make her own boys and
girls offer the first and an immediate apology — this no
matter if the guest was chiefly at fault ; she should re-
main deaf to any explanations. Her feeling should be
that children must learn to respect their roof, even
though their young guest fails to respect it ; and any
mother is right who takes mortal offence at a complaint
against her children. If Mrs. A.'s boy is a nuisance,
let Mrs. B. cut him off her children's visiting list and
refuse him admittance to her house ; but it is a cruel,
unforgivable and useless intrusion to carry the tale of
his iniquities to his mother.

When, however, a mother learns that her son or
daughter has been guilty of some great fault at a neigh-
bor's house, the proper course for her to pursue is to
take her child instantly to the injured person and make
the child apologize, and herself oflFer every reparation
and regret. This she must do in person, and not by

412 Encyciopisdia of Etiquette

note ; nor should she send the child alone. Where
a visiting child commits some piece of mischief in
the house^ it is not for the mistress to tattle on him,
even though the child may never tell his parents. Nor
is it ever Mrs. A.'s mission to correct Mrs. B.'s child
ih the smallest particular. If his manners and mischief-
making are troublesome, let her explain this to her
children and refuse to entertain him ; but never, even
if Mrs. A. comes to learn what is the matter, reveal her
son's iniquities to her. Say very frankly : Mrs. Blanks
if anything bos gone wrong, you must learn it from your
child; it is not my business to remember it.

Where a mother writes or calls to complain of
Mrs. Blank's son, the only proper answer for Mrs. Blank
is to assure her she will never be troubled again, and (juite
break off all friendly connection between the families,
for children are tender, foolish, and indiscreet little
things, and to accuse or hold them responsible is
very wrong, especially when reparation and regrets are
offered.

Chapter rfFENTT-ONE

The Well-trained Servant

IT is the duty of the lady of the house to exact
that her man or maid servant answer all queries
at the door with as much civility as brevity.
TeSy madamy and Noy siVy are the proper forms
of affirmation and negation for servants to use,
not the brief No and Tes or the slovenly Noy '», or
TeSy mister. In case a visitor wishes to make inquiries
or leave a message, a well-instructed servant immedi-
ately admits the caller to the hallway. If there are
doubts as to whether the ladies are at home, the polite
servant says, / will enquirCy receives the cards on a
small tray placed for this purpose in the hall, and lead-
ing the way to the parlor, holds the door open or the
portieres back for the caller to enter. When a message
is left by a visitor, the man or maid should answer
politely, Thank yoUy madamy or siry and stand at the door
until the caller has descended the steps or entered the
carriage.

Neither servant nor mistress profits by any lowering
of the proper barriers set between them ; and it is false
consideration as well as unmeaning to use the term

414 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

hired help with reference to household employees and
attendants. No self-respecting man or woman resents
the use of the word servant, or its meaning ; and those
who are well instructed do not fail, in reply to their
employer's expressed wishes, to answer No^ madam^ and
Noy sir, in place of Noy Mrs. Brown, TeSy Mr, Jones, or
such careless, familiar, and discourteous expressions as
All right, I guess so. Thanks, etc.

In a household where there are children under ten
years of age, it is quite proper that the servants address
them without the respectful addition of Miss and Mr. ;
but a girl over ten and a boy of fourteen or upwards
should be given their titles. A good servant imitates
the mistress in walking lightly and speaking gently ;
and above all things, cleanliness is essential in those
who serve at table, on the box of a carriage, and about
the kitchen and dwelling rooms. A waitress with up-
rolled sleeves, a blowsy head, and clumping shoes, or a
butler who is not freshly shaven every day and cannot
show immaculate hands and well brushed hair, is a
reproach to the employers, who are either too indiffer-
ent or too grossly indulgent to exact careful and re-
spectful service.

When a butler or second man announces a guest
to his mistress on her afternoon at home, on the occa-
sion of a reception, large dinner or luncheon, he stands
just outside the drawing-room door and as he draws the
portieres aside asks the guest, (Vhat name. Sir [or
Madam\ ? On receiving an answer he looks towards
his mistress as the guest crosses the threshold and gives
the name or names in a distinct tone. A mother and
two daughters he announces thus: Mrs. Brown, the
Misses Brown, or if the names have been given differ-

Twcnty^nc] ^ttt){lttt0 4iS

ently, he says Mrs, Brown, Miss Brown, Miss Mary
Brown. A father and son should be announced as
Mr. JoneSy Mr. Edward Jones. A maid servant never
assumes the duty of announcing guests.

How to Address Servants

COURTESY exacts courtesy, and it is extremely
vulgar for a mistress or master to give orders
to servants in a surly, peremptory or domineering tone
or manner. A pleasant voice and an amiable look in
addressing them are marks not only of kindness, but of
good breeding in an employer. It is not necessary
to ask a servant please to pass a dish at table, or
to be so good as to bring a book or wrap desired.
However, when refusing a dish at table, civility
demands a murmured No, thank you, and there
should be an amiable Thank you now and then
when a service is performed.

To discuss private affairs or current gossip of an
unkind nature, or to pass friends and acquaintances in
critical review before servants is a serious mistake too
often made in otherwise well-bred families.

A mistress should not speak of her waitress or
maid-of-all-work as the girl. A woman out at
domestic service is either a cook, laundress, house-
keeper, nurse or house maid; and she is usually well past
her girlish years. The terms upstairs girl, nurse girl,
and dining-room girl are to be avoided ; and preference
given to chamber maid, nurse maid, waitress, ladies* maid
and scullery maid, to describe properly and accurately all
these feminine domestics. Where a butler is employed,
he should not be spoken of or to as George, Henry or
James. His surname, Jones, Peterson or Flynn, is

4i6 Encycloptedia of Etiquette [Chapter

properly used instead, while it is considered also the
better method in regard to the coachman.

Women servants are usually addressed by their
given names, as Mary or Ellen^ except when two in one
house have the same given name; then one should be
addressed by her surname. The use of diminutives
in naming or addressing servants is to be especially
avoided ; Ellen ought not to become to her mistress
Nellie y Mary^ May^ or Pauline ^ Polly. It encourages
that familiarity which, besides being undesirable in
itself, renders punctual and exact service impossible.
A fear of familiarity, however, never prevents kindly
and well-bred men and women from giving their ser-
vants a pleasant good morning and good night.

A mistress who knows what to exact of her servants
trains them, in bringing cards, small parcels, and so on,
to her, to present them on a tray and not in the hand,
and never to enter a room without knocking. Men
servants from the stable or garden should salute their
employers by touching their hats with the first two
fingers of the right hand, and should stand respectfully
to receive any orders, again touching the hat brim or
forehead when the interview is at an end.

A good housekeeper, whether she has one or a
dozen servants in her employ, commands respect by
not losing her temper in the presence of her assistants ;
by not overlooking faults in her moments of good tem-
per, and not magnifying slight mistakes in times of
vexation. A lady does not quarrel with her maids,
does not tyrannize over them, does not sharply repri-
mand them in the presence of strangers, and does not
discuss her affairs with them or listen to their idle
gossip.

»^

Servants Necessary in a Large House

FOR a small household, where means are modest and
servants few, no rule can be laid down for the
duties and dress of the servants ; but in great houses,
where from eight to ten men and maids are employed,
each servant can be required to contribute a special and
that nearly always a fixed amount of help in the daily
routine of domestic work. The usual number of those
employed in the average luxurious American house is
seven — a butler, a coachman, a parlor maid, a cook, a
laundress, a nurse-maid and a chambermaid. To these
are sometimes added a footman, a lady's maid, a valet, a
scullery maid, and a laundry maid. Beyond these the
list can be increased almost indefinitely by adding under
nurse-maids, a gardener with assistants, a second man
under the butler's direction, and grooms in the stable ;
but these are the luxuries of great riches ; and the mis-
tress has rarely the direct guidance of more than eight
servants in her own special domain, the house. It is
always the better plan for the wife to correct and direct
the women servants, and for the husband to control
the men, who will more readily yield to masculine au-
thority. The dress and duties of the various servants
should be about as follows :

The Butler

THE butler's duties include superintending the
cleaning, setting in order, and general care of
the whole drawing-room floor, though his special pro-
vince is the dining-room. A parlor maid should assist
him in his care of all the living-rooms, sweeping, dust-
ing, and washing windows on this floor, while he sees in

4i8 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

winter that the open fires are kept bright, and in summer
that flowers are fresh and well arranged, and always that
general order is maintained. In his dining-room he is
responsible for the table and all its appointments. He
keeps the silver bright, his pantry immaculate, and
serves the three meals. He arranges the tea-tray and
places it for his mistress ; answers the door bell and
sees to the closing and locking of the drawing-room
floor at night. When a butler is efficiently assisted
by a waitress, who does his rough pantry work, he can
be expected to serve in a measure as the valet for the
master of the house ; lay out that gentleman's evening
clothes, and brush and press the garments worn by him
in the morning. In a house where a second man as
well as a butler is employed, the latter serves alone at
breakfast and luncheon, but is assisted by the second
man at dinner. If a butler is assisted in the heavy
antry work by a second man, he should be able to keep
is hands in excellent condition and be in readiness to
answer the bell through the morning hours. When his
assistant is a maid servant he answers the bell through-
out the day or in the afternoon only. A butler car-
ries the keys of the wine closet or cellar. He should
be clean-shaven and freshly shaven every day. A
bearded or moustached man servant in the house is
not desirable. A tiny bit of very close-clipped whis-
ker, extending for an inch at the edge of either cheek,
is permissible. The butler miist keep his hair closely-
cut, and his hands and finger nails, however roughened
by his work, exquisitely clean when he answers the
bell, brines the tea-tray, and serves at the table. White
cotton gloves are not worn by the men servants in
well-managed private houses. They are the insignia of

Twenty-one] S^ttt^WXtH 4^9

the untidy waiter had in from a second-rate caterer's or
a restaurant dining-room.

In the morning, the butler wears white linen, dark
gray or black trousers, a high-buttoned black waistcoat,
and a black swallow-tail coat, or a black round-tailed
coat shaped like a gentleman's short dinner coat. After
luncheon or at three o'clock, he assumes his evening
livery : black trousers and swallow-tail coat, with a black
waistcoat cut like that worn by gentlemen in the evening.
Immaculate white linen, with plain white studs in the
shirt front, a standing collar, white tie, cuffs fastened
with link buttons, and shoes of lustreless leather that
emit no creaking sounds, are the other items in his
toilet. A butler is not permitted to wear a bouton-
niere, a white waistcoat, a satin-faced coat, patent
leather shoes, or perfume. He must not flourish a
colored handkerchief, nor wear rings or a watch chain.
His watch he can slip, without fob or chain, into his waist-
coat pocket ; and the tie worn with his morning livery
should be black or of a very subdued color and innocent
of a pin. When guests are entertained at luncheon the
butler does not serve in his morning livery but dresses in
the livery appointed for the afternoon. Should a butler
be required, as is not infrequently the case, to appear on
the box seat of his mistress' carriage in the afternoon, he
wears the livery described for a second man, with a high
hat, gloves, and, in cold weather, a long coat, all match-
ing in shape and color those worn by the coachman.

The Second Man

THIS may be a house footman exclusively; or, as
is most frequently the case, it can be one who,
besides assisting the butler, appears on the box of the

420 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

mistress* carriage when she drives, serving then in the
capacity of carriage groom and wearing the regular liv-
ery of a carriage groom or over his house livery, in cold
weather, he puts a long coat such as the coachman
wears and dons gloves and hat to match the coach-
man's. The second man in the house assists the butler
by answering the door bell when that functionary
is off duty or busy, by washing dishes in the butler's
pantry and washing windows ; by building and tend-
ing the fires, caring for the front steps and veranda,
polishing brasses and taking part in the care of the
silver. At dinner and for luncheon parties the second
man aids the butler also in waiting at table. He should
be clean-shaven and wear his hair closely trimmed. His
shoes are such as the butler wears, and his livery is not
changed in the evening. This consists of coat and
trousers of one color ; the coat is swallow-tail in cut
and is ornamented on the tails, on the cuffs, and down
the front with brass or silver buttons. Both coat and
trousers should be of the livery color chosen by the heads
of the house — dark green, blue, brown, or deep plum
color, with the outside edge of the trouser legs piped in
yellow or red. A waistcoat of Valencia striped in lateral,
alternate bars of dark green and yellow or dark brown
and red, in accordance with the two colors that appear
on the coat and trousers, shows between the open fronts
of the coat, and buttons high. White linen, a standing
collar, and a white tie are worn with this costume..

The Valet

A VALET, whose business it is to wait exclusively
upon his master as a body servant, takes no
part in the general house work. His duties are to

Twenty-one] ^tttl^tltfil 4*1

keep his employer's wardrobe in order, lay out his
clotnes whenever he makes a toilet, draw his bath
water, and pack and unpack his trunks and satchels,
and keep his dressing-table tidy. A valet may be re-
quired to shave his master, and very often to travel
with him ; but he is not expected to sweep or dust his
employer's room or make his bed. Sometimes an
obliging and accomplished valet is, when accidents
occur, pressed into service as a butler, and then he
assumes butler's dress. In the house, a valet wears,
during the evening as well as by day, dark gray trou-
sers, a high-buttoned black waistcoat, a plain black
swallow-tail coat, or one cut short like a gentleman's
dinner jacket, white linen, a dark tie, and soundless
shoes of dull leather. Watch-chains, pins, rings, etc.,
are not permitted. In the street and when traveling
with his master, he wears a sacque suit of inconspicu-
ous tweeds, dark gloves, and a derby hat.

The Page

A PAGE or small boy in buttons is not infrequently
employed in private houses in place of a second
man, or as the only male servant. His duties are to
attend the door, run errands and assist the parlor maid,
who is then the head servant on the drawing-room
floor. Throughout the day and evening the page
wears a tidy livery of colored cloth ; with a piping of
a bright, contrasting color down the outside seam of
the trousers and about the cuflFs, collar and front of his
coat A row of bright brass or silver bullet-shaped
buttons fastens his short coat up the. front and three
buttons are sewed on the outside seam of his coat's
cuffs. A page boy wears white linen, black calf skin

422 Encyclopedia of Etiquette [Chapter

shoes, and out of doors a round cap to match his
suit

The Coachman

THE coachman, like the butler, receives a large
salary. All the grooms and stablemen are
under his orders, and he is responsible for the condi-
tion of the horses, carriages, harness and saddles, and
the state of the stables. It is his duty to rub down
the horses and clean the harness and carriage, or to
order his assistants to do this, and see that it is well
done. He either sees personally that the horses are
fed and watered, that every bit of brass or silver
mounting on the harness is kept perfecdy bright, that
the horses are regularly shod anci are cared for if ill,
and that the carriages when out of use are carefully
covered, or he does it all himself. Whereas the buder's
chief duty is to wait at table, the coachman's duty is,
above all else, to drive his employers when and where
they wish to go. On his box seat he maintains a dig-
nified, even commanding, position, sitting with his
shoulders back, his head erect, his elbows at his side,
his feet together and well braced. On the box his
whole attention is given to his horses ; he recognizes
no one, save his employers or their friends, who, as
they approach his carriage, may greet him pleasandy.
Then he touches the front brim of his hat with his
whip stock or first two fingers of his right hand.
When orders are given him he touches his hat again.
A coachman must be clean-shaven, and in the city
his livery should consist of white leather or stockinette
breeches, close-fitting and fastened at the bottom by
small buttons on the outside of the knee, top boots.

OUTDOOR LIVERIES

Twcnty-onc] ^ttt^KUtH 4^3

and a single-breasted, high-buttoned frock coat of dark
blue, bottle-green, brown or plum-colored kersey.
When this coat is worn with breeches its skirts are cut
about three inches and a half above *the knee cap. Six
metal buttons, matching the trimmings of the harness,
fasten the coat in front and four buttons appear on the
tails, two at the waist line and two at the ends of the
tails. A coachman's coat shows square pocket flaps
and a crest or monogram may appear on his buttons.
White linen, a standmg collar, with a plastron or coach-
man's scarf, black silk hat, and tan, white or gray driv-
ing-gloves complete his livery. On the top hat a
cockade must not be worn. The top boots are made
of calf skin, enameled, or patent leather and their tops
are tinted pink, tan or a very deep russet shade. Pink
or white ooze skin are the fashionable tops for the
boots worn by the men who serve on a ladies'
carriage. In winter weather, over his livery, the coach-
man draws a double-breasted overcoat of any of the
livery colors chosen. This coat is very long, and but-
tons high with large brass or silver buttons. The
actual length of skirt is five inches and a half short of
the ankle and when the greatcoat is worn the short
body coat is put off and a high wool-lined waistcoat
supplies the necessary warmth. In exceedingly cold
weather the coachman may be further protected by
a cape of black wolf or bear skin reaching to his elbows
and turning a tall collar up at the back of the neck.
Now and then, in place of the top boots and white
breeches, long trousers of the same color as the coat
are adopted. In the summer and in the country, un-
less a Victoria or brougham is used, this heavy and
formal livery should be put aside for a complete suit of

424 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette [Chapter

brown or gray whipcord, the trousers, waistcoat and
coat all of the same goods. The trousers are long, or
breeches are adopted, finished with l^gings of whip-
cord, buttoned from knees to instep. The coat can be
a cutaway or sacque in shape, having pocket flaps> and
buttoning high. It shows at the throat a standing
white collar of linen and white plastron. A square
brown felt hat and brown driving-gloves and
black or brown shoes are essential details. A
coachman should be clean-shaven and freshly shaven
every day.

The Groom

THE groom is either the second man from the
house, donning carriage^groom's livery and
appearing, when the mistress drives out calling, etc.,
on the box seat beside the coachman, or he is the
coachman's first assistant in the stable. The groom in
the stable takes orders from the coachman, and runs
errands, drives the smaller traps, and rides behind the
ladies in the park or on country roads. When serv-
ing on the carriage-box, the groom stands beside the
carriage door, holding it open for his mistress to enter ;
he touches his hat as she appears, when she gives him
his orders, and when he turns away to mount beside
the coachman. Her orders he repeats to the coach-
man, and when the carriage draws near a private house
the footman leaps lightly down, runs up the steps,
rings the bell, and coming back, touches his hat,
opens the carriage door, and awaits orders. If the
carriage halts before a shop or church door, or before
a house where an entertainment that his mistress pur-
poses to take part in is very palpably under way, the

Twcnty^nc] ^ttt^KUtH 4^5

groom alights quickly, and before the horses come to
a standstill he is beside the cai-riage door to open it.
If the carriage is to wait, he does not mount again to
the box, but lingers beside it or on the sidewalk.
When the master or mistress personally is to drive a
trap, the groom stands at the horses' heads until the
driver is seated and settled, and then mounts behind
to the footman's seat, where he sits in a dignified pos-
ture, head erect, knees together, shoulders back, and
arms crossed on his breast. When the trap halts for
the driver to dismount, the groom springs down before
it comes to a standstill, and stands again at the horses'
heads, touching his hat invariably when the least order
is given or question replied to. A groom is always
clean-shaven, and dresses for the box seat of a brougham
or Victoria, with the exception of certain details, in the
fashion already laid down for a coachman. On the box
of a Victoria, brougham, or landau his hat, boots,
breeches, gloves, collar and color of coat match the
coachman's. His coat does not boast pocket flaps and
is shorter in the skirts than the coachman's. His
greatcoat is also an inch or two shorter and on the
tails of both body and greatcoat he wears four
more buttons. In the country a groom wears whip-
cords as described for the coachman. For the groom
attending a lady riding in the park, white buckskin
breeches, top boots and a short-skirted black kersey
body coat, with top hat and tan riding-gloves, are the
costume, further distinguished by a broad brown leather
belt, passed about his waist over his coat and fastened
in front with a large brass or silver buckle. A gentle-
man's groom wears in the country the whipcords and
brown gloves, shoes and hat as described ; in the

426 EncyclopdBclia of Etiquette [Chapter

city, for service on a coach or cart, he dresses in
white breeches, top boots and black or colored body
coat.

The House Maids

THE duties of house maids are differently defined
by every mistress; but as a rule the woman
who is not a chamber maid is a waitress, and usually
devotes her time and interests to the care of the draw-
ing-room floor. If there is no butler or page boy, she
also does a butler's duty, answering the door bell, wait-
ing at table, cleaning the silver and washing the
dishes. Sometimes a parlor maid is the butler's assist-
ant in place of a second man, and then she does the
heavier work of the drawing-room floor, and at meals
assists the butler in the pantry. She can also aid him
very efficiently in waitmg on the table. The hair of
a parlor maid or waitress should be the pink of neat-
ness ; and from the time she appears in the morning
until the time she goes to her own room at night she
must wear a cap made in the form of a coronet, of lace-
edged gophered Swiss frills, with or without streamers,
and a small black bow of narrow velvet or ribbon.
In the morning, a plainly made gown of percale and
a large white apron, with bib and shoulder straps, are
the proper costume. In the afternoon, an equally plain
dress of black woolen goods, with a wide white linen
collar and turn-over cuffs, and apron as directed above,
are the appropriate livery. Jewelry, bright ribbons,
and ornamental hair pins are never permitted to the
well-regulated house maid when on duty. A chamber
maid dresses in the same fashion as a parlor maid or
waitress.

DRESS FOR MAIDS IN SERVICE

The Lady's Maid

A LADY'S maid's duties are to care for her
mistress' wardrobe and assist her at her toilets,
draw her bath, lay forth the clothes she elects to wear,
and keep her room tidy ; but the lady's maid neither
makes the bed nor sweeps and dusts the room. She
takes no part in the general housework; but sews,
runs errands for and generally waits upon her mistress
only. The lady's maid does not wear a print gown.
Her regular livery in winter is a simple black dress
with small white cap and small ornamental apron, that
may have a bib, but no shoulder straps. In hot sum-
mer weather, a black skirt and print waist seem the
appropriate costume for the American lady's maid ;
and sne also very frequently dispenses with her cap,
though it should be a part of her livery.

The Nurse Maid

FOR a baby's nurse the gown may be dark wool
goods, made very plain and worn with a big
white apron and plain white collar and cuffs, or a print
gown with these additions. On the street, an infant's
nurse wears, over her house dress, a long full Conne-
mara cloak of woolen goods with skirts reaching to
the hem of her dress, and with this a mob cap of
white muslin, having a ruche of broad brightly colored
taffeta ribbon all about the edge of the cap and ending
at the back in two broad gay streamers, falling nearly
to her heels. In-doors, the proper cap for a nurse
maid is mob-shaped, of white muslin, with a muslin
ruche about the edge, ending at the back in two muslin
strings that tie in a small bow.

428 Encyclopdedia of Etiquette
Mourning Dress for Servants

THE butler's dress needs no change for mourn-
ing. The second man, if he has worn a colored
livery, goes into a suit of the same cut, but of black,
with black buttons. The coachmen and footmen wear
black buttons on their black coats, and on their hats
broad bands of crepe. Black tops replace the colored
ones on their boots and black gloves are adopted. The
women in the house, when in mourning dress, wear
black and white print gowns and small bows of lustre-
less black ribbon in their caps.

Writing to Servants

IT is not kindly in writing to one's own servants
to write in the form of the third person. A gra-
cious mistress or master will write in somewhat the
following form :

2J West Street^

May lo^ ip — .
Aly dear Mary :

We will return to the country on Tuesday by the J.JO train ^
which reaches the Hopetown Station at five. Be sure to have
the house in readiness to receive us^ and order dinner for four.
Tell Stoddard to come to the station for us with the surrey.

Very truly yours ^

D. Everett.

W^hen writing to a servant, the initial of the Chris-
tian name is sufficient in the signature ; and the above
form is appropriate when writing to a servant employed
in a friend's house, if the servant is not unknown per-
sonally to the writer. But if the servant is an entire,
or almost an entire, stranger to the writer, the com-
munication should be cast m the third person.

t»

^ljpf)a{ieti(al '^xCs^^

AGcepting, Invitatloii to dance*

AccldentSt at taUe, 97, 112, 113.

On the icreet, 374, 375.
Address* on envelopet, 387, 388.

Stamped on stationery, 382, 383.

Form o( used when writing to titled
penont, 388-399.

Form of, used whoi speaking to ser-
▼ants,4i5y 416.

Form of, oaed when writing to ser-
Tants, 388, 428.
Aftemoon, reception tea, 287.

Mttsicales, 304, 306.

Bachelor tea, 352, 356.

WeddiQg reception, 203-206.

At Home, 32-36.

Announcement, cards, 183.

For birth of a child, 68, 69, 343.

Announcing, gnctts, 414, 415.

On day at home, 33, 34.
At afternoon reception, 291.
At balk, 135, 169.
At luncheon, 245.
At dinner, 81, 82.

Anniversaries, wedding, 225-227.

Artichokes, method of eating, 114.
ArcfllrfsilOp, how to addrcM by letter,

397» 398-
Asparagus, method of eating, 115.

Asldng, a lady to dance, 158-160.

A woman to call, 25.

A man to call, 26-48.

Assembly, bsOls, 166, 167.
Awning, when used, 128, 168, 195,
290.

Bachelor hospitalities, 352.

Afternoon reception in bachelor's

rooms, 352-356.
Chaperon at bachelor's entertainments,

35*. 353. 355. 35^, 357. 358-
Dinner in bachelor** rooms, 356, 357.

Dress for bachelor host, 355.

Guests at bachelor's reception, 357,

358:
Inritations to bachelor's reception,

353. 354.

Invitations to bachelor's dinner, 357.

Luncheon party in bachelor's rooms,

356.
ReceiTing guests at bachelor tea, 355.
Supper party in bachelor's rooms, 356.
Theatre party given by bachelor, 357,

260-262.
Servants at bachelor's entertainments,

354, 355. 356.

Yachdng party given by bachelor, 357.
Badges, at public balls, 168.

Balls, 118.

Announcing guests at, 135, 169.
Arrival at, timely, 153.
Awnmgfor, 128, 168.
Asking lady to dance,. 158-160.
Accepting invitation to dance, 155,

156.
Assembly, 166, 167.
Bufiet supper at, 135, 136, 167, 168.
Badges at public, 168.
Chaperons at, 129, 130, 142, 155,

171.
Committees, dudes of, 167, 168-170.
Cinderella dances, 1 67.

430 Rncyclopcedia of Etiquette

Balls.

CotiUon, how to give, 14»-144.
CotiUoOy partner, choowigy 163, 164.
CodUon, fiiTon, 144.
Cocfllonyhowtodancey 161, 163-166.
CotUlon, how to lead, 161, 163.
Dancing, proper potkkm for, 161, 162.
D6butant^ 145, 146.
Dranng roonii^ 134, 135, 168.
DitMy 171-173.
Eaoorting a lady to, 157, 158.
Floor of ballroom, 132, 133.
Ouetts, etiquette for, at priTate balls,

153-162.
OneM, etiquette for, at public balla,

170, 171.
Oueit of honor at priTate ball, 146,

148.
Ouett of honor at public ball, 170.
Houft for commencing, 139, 169.
Hoatctt at, etiquette for, 127-130,

i39-"44-
Hoit at, etiquette for, 139, 147, 148.

HottciB, girl, etiquette for, 146.

InTitationt to, 11 8-1 27, 130-132.

Invitations to cotillons, 119, 120, 143.

Invitations to infoimal dances, 121 .

Invitations to dinner dance, 120.

Invitations to d£bntball, 121.

Invitations to costume ball, 122.

Invitations to subacriptbn ball, 122-

125.
Invitations to public ball, 125-127.
Invitations, written, 118.
Invitations, answering, 149-151.
Inriutions, asking for, 1 51-15 3.
Invitations, refosing to give, 1 30.
Invitations, R. s. v. p. on, 1 18.
Inviting stFsngen to ball, 1 30-1 32.
Introductions at private balls, 7, 8,

141, 143, 145, 146, 148, 157.
Introductions at public balls, 8, 170,

171.
Lighting ballroom, 129.
Music at, 133, 134, 140.
Position, correct, vi^en dancing, 161,

162.
Progrsmraes, 134, 143.
Patronesses at, 167, 168, 169.

BalU.

Public, 167-171.

Punch at, 137.

Receiving guests at private, 139, 140.

Receiving guests at d&ut, 145.

Receiving guests at assanUy, 167.

Receiving guests at public, 169.

Servant! at, 135, 168.

Supper at, 135-139, 168.

Subscription, 166, 167.

Seats in ballroom, 133, 142, 168.

Tipping servants at, 171.

Tempenture of ballroom, 129.

Wall flowers, 140-142.

Wines, 137, 139.
Baron, how to address by letter, 395.

Daughter o^ how to addiess fay letter,
396.

Younger son 0^ how to address by let-
ter, 395.

Wife of younger son of, how to address
by letter, 396.
Baroness, how to address by letter,

395-
Baronetf how to address by letter, 396.

Wife of, how to address by letter, 397.

BeS^ningS, proper, for notes and

letteis, 385, 386.
Best man* etiquette for, 213-218.
BIcvclIng, etiquette when, 367, 368.
Bishop, how to address by l^ter, 397,

398.
Bowlns:, 373f 374, 376, 377.
Box at theatre or opera, 255, 256.

Bonnet, at theatre or opera, 254.
Bread, method of eating^ 113, 114.
Breakftists, 248-250.

Christening, 347.

Weddwg, 206-208.
Bride, etiquette for, 187-208.

At second marriage, 224, 225.
Bridesmaids, etiquette for, 1 90, 1 9 1 ,

221-224.
Breaking dinner engagement*

78, 79-
Butler, duties and lively of, 417-^19.

Buffet, supper, 135, 136, 137, 168.

Business, calk, 28, 29, 43, 44.

Cards, 47, 54, 55.

^fialiettcal ^ntttj:

431

Cabinet* member of, how to addrai by
letter, 3^9*

CalU, 17-

Aftcmoon, 17.

Aiking a wamaa to call, 15, a6.
Asking a man to call, 26~i8.
Butinen, how to pay and recelTe, a8,

»9f 43f 44.
Begging to be ezcnaed from calkn,

36, 37.
Chaperonage during, 29.

Calling at theatre or opera, 255, 256.
Country, 18, 20.

Chance calli and callen, 36, 37, 41.
Dinner calls, 11.
DiKontinuing, ai, 24.
Day at home, 17, 18, 32-36.
ETening, 18, 41-43*
Fint, 19, 20.
Farewell, 24.
Greeting caUen, 34.
Hottcts on day at home, 34^36.
Host on day at home, 37, 38.
How to pay, 38-43.
Hours for paying, 17, 18.
Invalid's calls, 23.
Introducing callers, 34, 35.
Length of call, 42, 43.
Men's, 18, 24, 28, 41, 42»
Morning, 17.

Not at home to callen, 28, 37.
Obligatory, 20-22.
Of condolence, 29-3 1 .
Of congratulation, 31.
Of inquiry, 31.
On strangers, 20.
On a friend* s guest, 25.
On a friend in a stranger's house, 25.
Perplexing points in calling, 24, 25.
Recdving callers, 34-36, 43, 44.
Returning, 22.
Sunday, 18.
Ser^^ tea during, 36.
When to pay, 17, 18.
Who to ask for when calling, 41 .
Wedifing, 20, 21, 217, 221, 223.
Cancelling, a dinner party, 74, 75.

Cake, wedding, 203, 208, 227, 234.
Christening, 347.
Method of eating, 1 14.

Cards, 45.

Acknowledging cards of inquiry, 65-

67.
Announcing birth of child by, 68,

69.
Business, 47, 54, 55.
Before and after funoal, 64, 65.
Cards when calling, 56-62.
Day at home signified on, 50.
Divorced woman's, 48, 49.
Engraving on, 45.
Joint, 49, 50, 51.
Jr., use of, on, 48, 52.
Leaving, 62, 63, 290, 299, 302, 317.
Material of, 145.
Married couple* s, 5 1 .
Men's, 52-55.
Mourning, 55, 56.
Number of cards left when calling, 56-

62.
P. p. c, 67, 68.

Posting, 62, 63, 65-67, 289, 305.
Strangers, 60, 61.
Sr. used on women's, 48.

Titles on, 45-48» 53-55-

Tkavder's, 68.

Women's, 45-50.

Widows, 48.

Writing name on, 55.

Young lady's, 46, 49, 50.

Of admission to church wedding, 178.

Carriage, etiquette, 378-380.

At weddings, 188, 192, 209, 210.

At funerals, 322, 326, 335.
Cardinal, how to address by letter, 398.
Celery, method of eating, 114.
Chafing dish, at luncheon, 248.

Chaperons at balls, 129, 130, 142,

I55» »7i.
At theatre or opera, 255, 258, 259.

At bachekv entertainments, 352, 353,

355» 356* 357, 358-
Ciuunbemiaid, dMies and livery of,

426.

Cheese, method of eating, 114.

Children, 400.

432 Encyclopcedia of Etiquette

Children.

Apologies from, 411.

Complaining of neighbor^ 411, 41s.

Dtncei lor, 405, 406.

JSnteitainmentB for, 403-406.

Host and Hostess, juvenile, 403, 406.

Invitations to children's entertain-
ments, 404, 405.

Invitations, answering, 406-408.

Muttc for children's dances, 406.

Mourning dress for, 330.

Playmates for, choosbg, 408-410.

Quanels between, 411, 412.

Receiving guests at children's party,
406.

Shy child, 402, 403.

Speech for, proper forms of, 400, 401.

Well-tFsined child, 402.

Tactless child, 410, 411.

Guests juvenile, etiquette for, 408.

ChrlstenlnsA, 343.

Announcing birth of child, 68, 69, 343.
Breakfiut or luncheon, 347.
Church, 345, 346.
Cake, 347.
Dress at, 350.
Drinking health at, 347.

Gift". 349* 35o> 35". 358-
Guests at christenings, 351.

House, 346, 347.

Invitations to, 345.

Imitations answering, 351.

Reception, 347.

Sponsors, etiquette for, 348-350.

Sponsois, choosing, 343, 344.

Church, weddmg, 195-200, 230, 231.

Christemng, 345, 346.

Funeral, 325, 326, 334, 335.

Cinderella dances, 167.
Clergyman, Protesunt, how to ad-

dren by letter, 399.
Club, stationery, 382.
Coffee, at balls, 136.

At luncheons and breakfosts, 245,

246, 247, 249.
Coach, etiquette on a, 360, 361.
Coachman, dudes and livery of, 422-

424.

Conversation, at uhle, 11 1.

Condolence, calls of, 29-31.

l-e«er8 of, 333, 334, 340-34*-

Congratulations, calls of, 29.

Offered bride and groom, 217, 218,

220, 232, 233.
Acknowledging, 204, 212.
Conclusions, of letters, proper foms
for, 386, 387.

Committees, at pubBc balls, 167,

168-170.
Correspondence, 381.

Addreaing titled persons by letter,

388-399.
Address stamped on stationery, 382,

383.
Address on envelopes, 387, 388.
Archbishop, how to address by letter,

397, 398.
Beginnings of notes and letters, 385,

386.
Bishop, how to address by letter,

397» 398.
Baron, how to address by letter, 395.
Daughter of, how to address by let-
ter, 396.
Younger son of, how to address by

letter, 395.

MTifo of younger son of, how to

address by letter, 396.

Baroness, how to address by letter, 395.

Baronet, how to adddress by letter, 396.

Wifo oi^ how to address by letter,

397.
Cardinal, how to address by letter, 398.
Cabinet, member of, how to address by

letter, 389.
Concluttons of letten, proper forms for,

386, 387.
Club stationery, 382.
Countess, how to address by letter,

394-
Crests, 382, 383.

Duke, how to address by letter, 391.

Daughter of, how to address by

letter, 393.
Younger son of, how to address by

letter, 393,
Wifo of younger son of, how to ad'

dress by letter, 393.

ailpSabetical 3r(btj:

433

Correspondence.

DucliM, how to addreu by leCter, 391.
Ducheat dowager, how to addre« by

lettw, 392.
Earl, how to addreti by letter, 394.

Ehiughter of, how to addreaa by ktter,

395-
Younger son of, how to addreH by

letter, 395.
Wife of younger son of, how to ad-
dre« 1^ letter, 395, 396.
Esqr., use of, in, 387.
Governor, how to adinm by letter, 390.
Justice of Supreme Court, how to ad-
dreu by letter, 384.
Knight, how to addrni by letter, 397.
Wife of, how to address by letter,

397.
Mayor, how to address by letter, 390.

Marquis, how to address by letter, 392.

Vounger son of, how to address by
letter, 393.

Wife of younger son of, how to ad-
dress by letter, 393.

Dai^hter of, how to address by let-
ter, 393.
Marchioness, how to address by letter,

392.
Marchioness, dowager, how to address

by letter, 393.
Men^wr of House of RepresentatiYes,

how to address by letter, 389.
Mourning stationery, 383, 384.
Monogram on stationery, 382, 383.
Priest, how to address by letter, 399.
Prince, royal, how to address by letter,

390» 39 »•

Princess, royal, how to address by let-
ter, 391.

President of U. S., how to address by
letter, 388.

Postal card, use of, 384.

Queen of England, how to address by
letter, 390.

Senator, how to address by letter, 389.

Stam{nng on stationery, 382, 383.

Stationery, 381-384.

Third person, use of, in correspond-
ence, 384, 385.

Correspondence.

Vice-president, how to address by let-
ter, 388.
Viscount, how to address by letter, 394.
Younger son of, how to address by

letter, 395*
Daughter of, how to address by letter,

396.
Wife of younger son of, how to ad-
dress by letter, 396.
Viscountess, how to address by letter,

^ .395-

Cotillon, how to give, 142-144.

How to lead, 162, 163.

How to dance, 162, 163-166.

Favors, 144.
Covers, at dinner taUe, 88, 89.

Country, calls, 18, 20.

Weddings, 180, 181, 188, 189, 195.

Dancing, correct position when, 161,
162.
AAa musicale or private theatrical!,

304.
At weddings, 206.
DanceSf'fbr children, 405, 406.
For debutantes, 145, 146.
Dinner, 120.

I>av at iiome, 32-36.

Delinquent guest, at dinner, 95,

96, 102.

D^initante, dances, 145, 146.
Receptions, 294, 295.

Dinners, 70.

Announcing, 82.

Accidents at, 97.

Bachelor, 260, 261, 356, 357.

Breaking engagement for, 78, 79.

Coven at, 88, 89.

Cards at covers, 89.

Calls, 21.

Cancelling, 74, 75.

Dress for, 106, 107.

Delinquent guest at, 95, 96, loa.

Dressing rooms for, 82, 83.

Etiquette at table, 103, 104.

Fonnal, 79, 80.

Guests, etiquette for, 102-105.

434 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

Dini

HotCcMy co^Bcttc ror^ 9S'''^9*
HoK, etiquette for, 95, 96, 97, 9g,

100, lOI.
Hovn for gtTuig, So, 8 1 .
Lighting, tabk, 83-85.
Laying, tifale, 85-^7.
LcsTing after, 104, 105.
Mttoc at, 81.
Menu for, 89, 90, 99.
Number of guesti at, 80.
Preceden c e at, 95.
Pottponing, 74.
Receiving gueM, 95.
Serrantiat, 81.
Seating guoti at, 87, 96.
Serwig, 94-95.
Simple, 99~io2,
Smoking after, 97.
InTitadonf, 70-74.
Invitations, addretttngp 73.
Invitationi, answering, 7^79.
Invitations, R. s. v. p. on, 7*9 73.
Introductions at, 95.
Temperature of dining-room, 83.
Talcing lady in to, 103.
Time to arrive at, 102.
Wines, 90-^2, loi.
When to leave, 104, 105.

Dress for, bride, 236-238.

Bachelor host, 355.

Balls, 171-173.

Best man, 235.

Bicycle, 368, 369.

Bridesmaid, 191, 221.

Christenings, 350.

Dinner, 106, 107.

Driving, 361, 362.

Funeral, 339, 340.

Garden party, 317, 318.

Golf, 371.

Groom, 234.

Luncheon or breakfast, 251.

Mourning, for children, 3 30.

Mourning, for men, 330-332.

Mourning, for women, 327-330.

Musicales or private theatricals, 307.

Pallbearers, 339.

Receptio n s, 397, 398.

Dress for. riding, 364^367.
Theatre or opera, 257, 258.
Ushers, 235.
Wedding guests, 234r-236.

Dressiog rooms, at balls, 134,
135, 160.

At receptions, 291.

At dinnen, 82, 83.

For luncheonsand bseakfosts, 244, 245 .

For garden parties, 315.

Driving, 359-3^3-

Ducbess, how to address by letter, 391 .

Duchess, dowager, how to address 1^
letter, 39^*
Duke, how to address by letter, 391.

Daughter of, how to address 1^ letter,

393-
Younger son of, how to address 1^

letter, 393.

MTifo of younger son of, how to ad.

dress by letter, 393.

Eari, how to address by letter, 394.
Daughter <^, how to addren by letter,

395-
Younger son <iXy how to address by

letter, 395.
Wife of younger son of, how to address

by letter, 395, 396.
BggS, method of eating, 110.
Escortf serving as an, 157, 158, 372.
Bsqr., use KiH^ in correspondence, 387.

Evening, calls, i8, 41-^3-

Musicalo, 305, 306.
Receptions, 295, 302.
Weddings, 194.
Wedding receptions, 206.
Expenses, of wedding, 187-189,
209, 210.
Funenl, 322, 323.

Favors for cotillon, 144.

Parewelly bachelor dinner, 210-21 1.

Bridal luncheon, 192.
Pees, for dei^gyman, 209, 211, 216,
322, 348.

For sexton, 209, 322.

^Ipfiabetical SrCbtj:

435

Fingers, used in tating, 1 13-1 1 5.

Finger bowly no, m.

Floor* for baUnom, 13s, 133.
Fork, liow to use, 109, 1 10.
Flowers* at fiuenU, 320* 313* 337.

Fox hunting, 364.

FmltSt method of eating, 114.

Funerals, 319.

Carriages for, 322, 326, 335.
Church, 325, 326, 334, 335.
Condolence, lettera of, 333, 334,
340-342.

D««» *»> 339» 340-
Ezpeniet of, 322, 323.

Fees, 322.

Flowers at, 320, 323, 337.

House funeral, 326, 327, 336, 337.

Mourning dress for women, 327-330.

Mourning dress for men, 330, 332.

Mourning dress for children, 330.

Music at, 325, 327.

Precedence at, 325, 326.

Pallbearers, 324, 325, 326, 337-

339-
Receiving those who attend a house

funeral, 327.

Seclusion during mourning period, 332,

333-
Servants at, 319, 327.

Garden parties, 308.

Advantages of, 312.
Chairs at, 314.
Carriages at, 315.
Card-leaving at, 317.
Dress for, 317, 318.
Dresnng-rooms for, 315.
Guests at, 316, 317.
Hours for, 313.

Hostess, etiquette for, 312-316.
Invitations to, 308-310.
Invitations to, answering, 310-31X
Music at, 313, 314.
Preparations fbr, 313, 314.
Refreshments for, 3 14, 3 1 5 .
Receiving guests at, 315, 316.
Servants at, 315.

QtftS, bridal, 189, 190, 227-230.
Christenmg, 348, 349, 350, 351.
Afber visiting, 285, 286.

Qolf, 369-371.

Governor, how to address by letter, 390

Golden wedding, 227.

Grapes, method of eating, 114.
Groom, carriage, 424r^26.
Guests, at wed<&ig, 230-234.

At luncheon, 2 50-25 1 .

At reception, 298-302.

At ball, 153-162, 170, 171.

At garden party, 316, 317.

At musicaks, 306, 307.

At theatre or opera party, 256, 261.

At dinner, 102-105.

At bachelor tea, 357, 358.

At christenings, 351.

When visiting, 278-286.

House, parties, 263.
Christenings, 346, 347.
Maids, 426.
Funerals, 326, 327, 336, 337.

Home weddings, 200-202.

Hours, for calls, 17, 18.

For garden parties, 313.

For balls, 139, 169.

For dinners, 80, 81.

For musicales, 303, 304.

For weddings, 194.

For luncheons and breakfasts, 242,
248.

For receptions, 095.
Hat, when lifted, 376, 377.

Oroom*s and uaber's, 215, 235, 236.
Hostess, at dinner, 95-99.

At ball, 127-130. 139-144.

At wedding, 205.

At luncheon or break£nt, 244-246.

At reception, 292, 296.

At muttcale, 305, 306.

On day at home, 34-36.

At garden party, 312-316.

Of vistorv and house parties, 266-277.

Debutante, 145, 294, 295.

Girl, 146, 293, 294.

436 Rncyclopcddia of Etiquette

Host, at dinner, 95, 96, 97, 98, 100,

lOI.

At balls, 139, 147, 148.
At receptiont, 293, 296.
At luncheon or breakfast, 246.
On day at home, 37, 38.
Bachdor, host, 352.
At weddings, 205.

Introductions, i.

Acknowledging, 4.

At balls, 7, 8| I4^ I43» ^^S* H^.

1481 157. 170, 171.
At weddings, 205, 216, 220, 221,

232, 233.
At dinners, 7, 95.
At theatre or opera, 255, 256.
At receptions, 7, 292, 293, 294, 296.
At musicales, 206
Asking name before making, 4.
Asking name after receivmg, 5, 6.
Between men and women, i .
Between women of difierent ages, 2.
Between men, 2.
Cards of, 14.
Carefully made, 3.
Hostess makes, 3, 6.
How hostess accepts, 5.
In public, 8, 9.
Indirect, 9.
Letters of, 11, 12.
Manner of making, i.
On golf links, 9.
On tennis courts, 9.
On the street, 8.
On day at home, 34.
Recognition after, 6, 10.
Ruing to recdve, 5.
Requesting permission to make, 8
Shaking hands on, 4, 5.
Special, 4.

Invitations, to balls, 11 8-1 27.

To dinners, 70-79.

To weddings, 1 74-1 8 7.

To theatre or opera party, 259, 260,

262.
To christenings, 345, 351.

Invitations, to receptions, 287-290,
296.
To bachelor hospitalities, 353, 354,

357.
To garden parties, 308-312.

To musicales, 303-305.

To private theatricals, 304.

To children's entertainments, 404,

405, 406-408.
To luncheons or break&sts, 239-242.
For visiting and house parties, 263—

266.

Invalid's, caOs, 23.

Jewels, bridal, 237.
Journey, bridal, 216, 217.
Jr., on cards, 48, 52.

When addressing envelopes, 387.

Justice of Supreme Court, how

to address by letter, 389.

Knife, method of uang, 109, 112, 113.

Knlgllt, how to addrns by letter, 397.

Wife of, how to address bjr letter, 397.

Lady's maid, duties and dress of, 427.
Accompanied hy, when visiting, 278,
279.
Laying table, for dmner, 85-87.
For luncheon or breakfast, 242, 243,
247, 248, 249, 250.

Ladles' lunclieons, 242-245.

Lettuce, method of eating, no.
Lighting, ball room, 129.

Dinner uble, 83-85.

Luncheon table, 243, 247, 248.
Liveries, for buder, 419.

For coachman, 422-424.

For groom, 425-426.

For housemaids, 426.

For lady*s maid, 427.

For nursemaid, 427.

For page, 421, 422.

For second man, 420.

For valet, 421.

^llpfialietital Jtitiej:

437

Luncheons and Breakfasts, 139.

Announcixig guests at, 245.
Breakfasts, spedal etiquette for, 248-

250.
Cof^ at, 245, 246, 247, 249.
Chafing dish at, 248.
Dressing rooms for, 244, 245.
Dress for, 251.
Formal, 242-246, 248.
Guests, etiquette for, 250, 251.
Hosteu, etiquette for, 244-246.
Hours fbr giving, 242, 248.
Invitations to, 239, 240.
InvttatioDs, answering, 241, 242.
Ladies, 242-245.
Lighting, table, 243, 247, 248.
Laying, Uble, 242, 243, 247, 248,

249, 250.
Menu fbr, 244, 247-250.
Music at, 244.
Miied company for, 246.
Receiving guests, 244, 245.
Servants at, 243.
Serving, 245, 246, 247, 248.
Seating guests at, 245.
Smple, 246, 247.
Wmes at, 244, 249.
Wraps at, 250.

riaid of honor, etiquette fbr, 222.

riarkins wedding gifts, 229, 230.

Marquis, how to address by letter, 392.
Daughter of, how to address by letter,

393-
Younger son of, how to address by

letter, 393.
Wife of younger son of, how to address
by letter, 393.
Marchioness, how to address by let-
ter. 392.
Dowager, how to address by letter, 393.
Mayor, how to address by letter, 390.
Menu, for dinner, 89-90, 99.

For luncheon or break&st, 244, 247-

2CO.

Member of House of Represen-
tatives, how to address by letter,
389.

Men's calls, 18, 24, 28, 41, 42.

Cards, 52-55.
ilouming stationery, 383, 384.

Cards, 55, 56.

Dress fbr men and women, 327-332.

Dress fbr children, 330.

Seclusion during period of, 332, 333.
Music at balls, 1 33, 1 34, 140.

At weddings, 197, 199, 201, 202,
207.

At luncheons, 244.

At children* s parties, 406.

At funerals, 325, 327.

At dinnen, 82.

At garden parties, 313, 314.

At receptions, 291.

Musicaies and private theatri-
cals, 303.

Afternoon, 306.

Cards at, 305.

Dress fbr, 307.

Dancing after, 304.

Evening, 305, 306.

Guesti at, etiquette for, 306, 307.

Programmes for, 305.

Private theatricals, 306.

Hours for, 303, 304.

Hostess, etiquette for, 305, 306.

Invitations to, 303, 304.

Invitations, answering, 305.

Introductions at, 306.

Receiving guests, 305, 306.

Refreshments fbr, 305.

Seating guests at, 305.

Napldn, method of using, 108, 109.
Nurse nuiid, dress and duties of, 427.

Opera, etiquette fbr, 252.

Box, 255.

Calling in opera house, 255, 256.

Dress at, 257, 258.

Chaperonage at, 258.
Olives, method of eating, X14.
Oranges, method of eating, 114.

438 Encyclopaedia of Etiquette

Pase* <lutiei and liToy of, 421, 422.
Bridal, 191, 199.

Pallbeftren, appointing, 324, 325.

Etiquette for, 337-339"

PatroneAMA, of baiu, 167, 168, 169.

Peaches, method of eating, 114.
Playmates, for children, choosing,

408-410.
Plums, method of eating, 114.
Postponing, a dinner, 74.
Postal cards, uae of, 384.

p, p. c. cardi, 67, 68.

Priest, how to addren by letter, 399.

Precedence* at dinnen, 95.

At funends, 325, 326.

In aide of theatre or opera, 252, 253.

Programmer, forbaib, 134, 143*

At muiicales, 305.

President of U. S., how to addren
by letter, 388.

Prince, royal* how to addrets by let-
ter, 390, 39«; ^ jj .

Princess, royal, how to addreas by

letter, 391.

Public balls, 167-171.
in public, 372*

Apologiea, 375.

Arm in arm when walking, 372, 373.
Accident!, 374, 375-
Bowing, rule for women, 373, 374.
Bowing, rule for men, 376, 377.
Convenationa on the atreet, 377f 378-
Carriage etiquette, 378-380.
Hat, when lifted, 376, 377-
Street car etiquette, 375, 376.
i^uncll, at balb, 137.
At receptiona, 292, 296.

Queen of England, howtoaddreaa

by letter, 390.
Quarrels, children^a, 411, 412.

Recalling wedding carda, 185.

Receptions, 287.

Aftornoon teaa, advantagea of, 287.

Receptions.

Awnmg for, 290.

Carda at, 290, 291, 299, 301.

Chriatening, 347,

Dreaa for, 297, 298.

Dreaaing rooma for, 291.

Debutante, 294, 295.

Evening, 295.

Oueata at, etiquette for, 298-302.

Hoateaa, edquccte for, 292, 296.

Hoat, etiquette for, 293, 296.

Hoateaa* daughtera, etiquette for, 293,

494.
Houra for giving, 29$.
Introductiona at, 292, 293, 294, 296.
lavitationa for, 287-290, 296.
Muaic at, 291 .
Refreahmenta for, 291, 292, 294,

296, 297.
Receiving gueata at, 292-294, 296.
Small and informal receptiona, 295-

297.
Servanta at, 290, 291, 296.
Wedduig, 203-206, 226, 227.
Winea at, 291, 292, 294.

Receiving, at balla, 139, 140* i4S>

146, 147, "67, 169.

At <tinnera, 95.

At garden partiea, 315, 316.

At luncheona or beakfoata, 244, 245.

At muflcalea, 305, 306.

At weddinga, 204-206.

At bachelor tea, 355.

At children*a dance, 406.

On day at home, 34.

At afternoon reception tea, 292r.294.

Viaitora and at houae partiea, 272.

At houae fonerala, 327.
Register, bridal, 204.
Rising, from taUe, 116, 117.
i^ing, wedding, 209, 211, 214, 225,

237.
Riding, etiquette of, ^63, 364.
R. S. V. p., on invitatkwa, 72, 73,
118, 181, 304.

Salt, III, 112.

Salted nuts, method of eating, 114-

^Iiabettcal StO^tj:

439

Seatins guests, at baUt, 133, 14a,
168.

At weddinga, 118, 219.

At dinnen, 87, 96.

At mtittcaki, 305.

At luncheon or breakfast, S45.

On a coach, 360.

At theatre or opera, 115, 361.
Second, helping, 100, 115, 116.

Marriage^ 214, 225.

Man, dotiet and fivery of, 419, 420.
Senator, how to addmt 1^ letter, 389.
Serving, dinner, 92^5.

Luncheon or breakfiut, 245-248.

Tea, on aAemoon at home, 36.

Tea, in bachelor roomi, 354, 355.

Servants, 413.

Accompanied by when Tiaiting, 278,

179.
AddreHing, 415, 416.
Announcing gucats, 414, 415.
At garden party, 315.
At luncheon or bieakfiMt, 243.
At bachelor entertainments, 3S4»3S5>

356.
At receptions, 290, 291, 296.
Atdinner^ 81.
At balls, 135, 168.
At weddings, 207.
When entertaining Tisitois and house

parties, 273, 274.
At funerals, 319, 327.
On day at home, 33, 34,
Butler, 417.
Coachman, 422.
Chambermaid, 426.
Oroom, 4 * 4'
Housemaids, 426.
Lady*8 maid, 427,
Liveries for butler, 419. '
Liveries for coachman, 422^24.
Lifcries for groom, 425, 426.
Liyeries for housemaids, 426.
Lireries for hMiy*s maid, 427.
LiTeries for nuiaemaid, 427.
Liveries for page, 421, 422.
Liveries for second man, 420*
Liveries for vakt, 421.
Nursemaid, 427.

Servants.

Number of, for large house, 417,

Page, 421.

Speech, proper forms for, 41 3, 414.

Second man, 419, 420.

Vakt, 420.

Well-tnined servants, 413, 414.

Writing to, 428.

Silver wedding, 226, 227.

Smoidng, after dinner, 97.
Souvenfrs, for ushers, 209, 210.
For bridesmaids, 192.

Special train, 181, 188, 189.

Speech, proper, for children, 400-

402.

For servants, 41 3, 414.

Sport, 359.

Bicycling, 367, 368.

Coaching, 360, 361.

Driving, 359^363.

Dfcss for driving, 361, 362.

Dress for riding, 364^367.

Dress for bicycling, 368, 369.

Dress for golf, 371.

Fox hunting, 364.

Golf, 369-371.

Riding, 363, 364.

Sponsors, 343f H4f 34«-35o-
Spoon, method of using, 1 10.
Sr» on cards, 48.

Stationery, 381-384.

Stamping, on stationery, 382, 383.

Street car, etiquette, 375, 376.
stranger's cards, 60, 61.
Sunday calls, 18.
Subscription balls, x66, 167.

Supper, at balls, 135-1399 x68.
In bachelors* rooms, 356.

Table numners, io8.

Accidents at table, 97, 112, 1x3.
Asparagus, method of eating, 115.
Aitichofces, method of eating, x 14.
Bread, method of eating, 1 1 3, x X4.
Conversation at table, x 11 .
CaJce, method of eatmg, x 14.
Cncken, method of eating, X14.
Cheese, method of eating, 1x4.

440 Encycloptedia of Etiquette

Table Manners.

Com, method of eabng, 114.
Celery, method of eadng, 1 14.
Eggt, method of eating, 1 10.
Fork, method of uang, 109, 1 10.
Finger bowl, method of uting, no,

III.
Fingcn, uied in eating, 11 3-1 15.
FruitB, method of eating, 114.
Knife, method of lumg, 109, 112, 113.
Lettuce, method of eating, no.
Napkin, method of using, 108, 109.
Olives, method of eating, 114.
Oranges, method of eating, 114.
Position, correct, at table, loS.
Rising from table, 116, 117.
Spoon, method of using, no.
Soup, method of eating, no.
Salt, helping one* s self to, in, 112.
Salted nuts, method of eating, 114.
Second helping, when proper, 100,

115, 116.
Toothpick, 117.
Wines, 116.
Talking;, at theatre or opera, 253.

Temperature, for ball-room, 129.

For dining-room, 83.

Theatricids, private, 305.
Theatre and opera, 252.

Applause at, 253.

Box at, 255, 256.

Bachelor's theatre party, 260-262.

Bonnets at, 254.

Coupons for seats or boxes at, 252, 255.

Coats and hats at, 252, 253, 255.

Cdlingat, 255, 256.

Chaperons at, 255, 258, 259.

Dress for, 257, 258.

Dinner before, 260, 261 •

Entering, 252.

Entertaining at, 259.

Guests at, etiquette for, 256, 262.

Gloves at, 257, 262.

Invitations to, 259, 260, 262.

Introductions at, 25 5, 256.

Moving in and out ofj 254.

Precedence in aisles of, 252, 253.

Seating guests at, 255, 261.

Talking in, 253.

Third person, use of, in cortcspond-

ence, 384, 385.
Tipping, at balls, 171.

After visiting, or house party, 282-284.

Nurse at christening, 348.
Titles, on cards, 45-48, 53-55-

In correspondence, 388-399.
Toasts, at weddings, 210, 234.

Toothpick, 117.
Traveler's, cards, 68.

Ushers, at weddings, 218-221.

Valet, 110, 221.

Accompanied by, when visiting, 279.

Visiting and house parties, 263.

Answering invitations for, 265, 266.
Accompanied by maid or valet when,

278, 279.
Dress when visiting, 277, 278.
Enteitaifijng viaton, 267-269.
Formal house party, 266, 267.
Guests, etiquette for, 278-286.
Guestrooms, 269-271.
Gift sent to hostess after a visit, 285,

286.
Hostess, general etiquette for, 266-

277.
Illness, when visiting, in case of, 274,

275, 281.
Invitations for, 263-265.
Note to hostess after a visit, 284, 285.
Receiving vtsitors, 272, 273.
Speeding the parting guest, 275-277.
Servant's duties when entertaining vis-

iton and house parties, 273, 274.
Tipping servants after, 282-284.
Taidng leave of hostess, 284-286.
Viscount, how to address by letter,

394-
Daughter of, how to address by letter,

396.
Younger son off how to address by

letter, 395.
Wife of younger son of, how to ad-

dress by letter, 396.

9llp|)abetttal SxCtitj:

441

viscountess, how to addrm by letter,

395.
Vice-president, how to addica by
letter^ 3^^*

Wall flowers, at baUt, 140-142.
Weddlns^, 174.

Aisle procetuon at, 196-100.
Announcemeiit cards, 183.
AmiiTenaxiei of, 225-227.
Awning at, 195.
Best man, general etiquette for, 213-

218.
Break&iti, 206-^208.
Bride, etiquette for, 187-208.
At second maniage, 224, 225.
Bridesmaids, nomba of, 190, 191.
Bridesmaids, chosen by, 191.
Bridesmaids, gcnenU etiquette for, 221-

224.
Congratulations, offering, 217, 218,

220, 232, 233.
Congratulations, acknowledging, 204,

212.
Cake, 203, 208, 234.
Cake, attilTer, 227.
Carriages at, 188, 192, 209, 210.
Cards of admission to, 178.
Calling after, 217, 221, 223.
Country, 180, 181, 188, 189, 195.
Church, 195-200, 230, 231.
Dancing at, 206.

Departure of bride and groom, 206.
Dress for bridesmaids, 191,221.
Dress for bride, 236-238.
Dress for women at, 236.
Dress for men at, 234^236.
Expenses of, boiiie by bride^s parents,

187-189.
Expenses of, borne by groom, 209.
Evening, 194.

Fee for clergyman, 209, 211, 216.
Floral decorations for, 195.
Fashionable church, 196-200.
Farewell bachelor dinner, 2 1 0-2 1 1 .
Farewell bridal luncheon, 192.
Golden, 227.
Groom, general etiquette for, 208-213.

Weddings.

Groom, at church, 21 1, 212.
Groom, at reception, 212.
Groom, at home, 212, 213.
Gifts, acknowledging, 189, 190.
Gifts, displayed, 190.
Gifts, sending, 227-230.
Gifts, for annivenary, 229.
Guests, general etiquette for, 230-234.
Hours for, 194.
Home, 200-202,
Host*s duties at, 205.
Hostess* duties at, 205.
Hats, disposition of, 215, 235, 236.
Invitations to, 174^182.
Invitations, answering, 185-187.
Invitations, addressing, 175.
Invitations, recalling, 185.
Invitations, for oiphan bride, 177.
Invitations, anniversary, 184, 185.
Invitations, in name of step-parent,

178.
Invitations, to second marriages, 181,

182.
Invitations, to receptions, 179, 180.
Invitations, to home wedding, 179-

180.
Invitations, to country, 180, 181.
Inviutions, to church, 176, 178.
Invitations, recalling, 185.
Invitations, R. s. ▼. p., on, 181.
Introductions at, 205, 216, 220,

221, 232, 233.
Jewels, 237.
Journey, 216, 217.
Music, 197, 199, 201, 202, 207.
Maid of honor, duties of, 222.
Marking wedding gifts, 229, 230.
Number of attendants, 190, 191.
Pages at, 191, 199.
Receiving, guests, 204-206.
Rehearsals for, 193.
Refreshments at, 203.
Register, 204.

Receptions, afternoon, 203-206.
Receptions, evening, 206.
Receptions, for silver, 226.
Rec^itions, for golden, 227.
Ring, 209, 211, 214, 225, 237.

44i Encyclop(Bdia of Etiquette

WeddlngA.

Silver, 3a5~2a7.
Senrants at, 207.
Souveoin for bridftmaidii 192.
SooTcnin fot mhcn, A09, aio.
Settbg wedding day, 193, 194.
Special train for, 181, 188, 189.
Seating gveati at churdi, ai8, S19.
Second marriages, 214, 225.
Taking leave of bride and groom, 221,

223. 233.
Toaiti, 210, 234.
Uahen, general etiquette fbr^ 218-

221.
Wines at, 203.

Weddings.

White ribbon at, when nsual, 196,

202, 218.

Wines, xi6.

At balls, 137, 139.
At luncheons or break&st, 244, 294.
Atdittnera, 90-92, loi.
At receptions, 291, 292, 294.
At weddings, 203.
Widow's, cards, 48.

Women's, cards, 45''5o-

Young lady's, cards, 46, 49, 50.

Yaciiting party, 357.

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