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f 



/4 m iUA*--^*^ 




The Arthur and Elizabeth 

SCHLESINGER LIBRARY 

on the History of Women 

in America 

RADCLIFFE INSTITUTE 







tlPbe CttQuette oi ^io l^orii tE^-lnap 



Wbt ©tipette 



of 



0m Borfe Co=tiap 



ST 

MRS. FRANK LEARNED 

(ElUn Craven Learned) 

AUTHOE OF *< imAU FOE GIRLS " 






NEW YORK 

PUBLISHERS 



COPTBIGHT, 1906, 

Bt FREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANY 



This Edition Published in October, 1906 



AU JBtffAte Be$erv0d 



HERE is a code of 
manners that has 
grown out of gen- 
erations of culture until it has 
become a sort of grammar of 
refined living^* 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTEB VAOS 

I Invitations and Answers ... .1 

n Luncheons 15 

m Teas «0 

IV Informal Card Parties, Teas and Musi- 

CAIA ...... SI 

y ConLuoNs, Dinner Dances, AND Theatre 

Parties S9 

VI Favors for Cotillions . . . .50 

Vn Fancy Dress Parties and Other Enter- 
tainments 54 

Vin The Table and Its Appointments . 63 

IX Customs at the Table . . . .70 

X Dinner Giving ..... 78 

XI The Serving of a Dinner . . .85 

Xn Concerning Introductions . . .92 

XIII About Shaking Hands and Bowing . 97 

XrV Men's Manners 103 

XV Visiting and the Use op Cards . . 108 

XVI More Points Concerning Visiting and 

Cards 116 

[vii] 



Contents 



CHAFTBB PAOB 

XVII Enoaoementb 126 

. XVni Wedding Pbeparationb . . . 131 

XIX A Bride's Trousseau and Household 

Linen 144 

XX NoYEi^nEs AT Weddings . 150 

XXI Sentiment and Tradition in Wedding 

Customs 157 

XXII Wedding Invitations and Announce- 
ments 160 

XXm Church Weddings .... 171 

XXrV Informal Home Weddings . . . 182 
XXV Christening Ceremonies . 188 

XXVI Note-writing 192 

XXVn Talk and Talkers .... 202 
XXVin For Those Who Are Shy . . .208 

XXIX Good Form and the Reverse in Speech 212 
XXX Hospitality 216 

XXXI A Hostess in a Country House . 219 

XXXn The Duties op a Guest . . .224 

XXXm Garden Parties 228 

XXXIV In Public 231 

XXXV Travelling . . . , . 237 

XXXVI Appropriate Dress .... 245 

[viii] 



Cotitmtt 

CBAFTXB PAQB 

XXXVn AccEBSOBiEB OF Drebs . . 252 

XXXVlIl Drebs fob Men .... 258 

XX XIX The EngnErrE of Mourning . . 264 

XL The Employees in a Household . 272 

XLI Hints for Young Giria . . . 284 

XLEE For Those in Small Towns . . 290 



[ix] 



f 



Cde etiquette 

of 

JgetD gorfe ®o=ba|> 

CHAPTER I 

INVITATIONS AND ANSWERS 

THE form of an invitation usually indicates 
whether an answer is expected. When the 
pleasure of one's company is requested a 
reply must be sent. There must be no delay in 
answering an invitation to a dinner, luncheon, home 
wedding, wedding breakfast, card party, or theatre 
party. 

A note of invitation to a dinner requires a written 
note of reply within twenty-four hours, so that a 
hostess may know whether she may expect a guest 
and have time to supply the place should a guest 
be unable to accept. 

Those who entertain often and in a formal man- 
ner use a card of invitation, engraved in script, with 
blank spaces in which may be written the name of 
the guest, the words "at dinner," and the date 
and hour. The form is: 

[1] 



Wbt CtlQitette of ^io f^orfc QCo-bap 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Howard Warren 
request the pleoMire of 



company. 



on. 



at o*dock 

One hundred Fifth Avenue 

Cards are about four and a quarter inches long, 
by three and a quarter wide. 

If a special event is to foUow a dinner the words 
indicating it are wriUen on the lower left-hand 
comer of the invitation or across the lower part: 
" SmaU dance," " Cotillion," " Vaudeville," " Music," 
or "To go afterwards to the Cinderella Cotillio»," 
or, "To go afterwards to the play." 

The exact form when fully written may be: 

Mr. and Mrs. Edward Dash 

request the pleasure of 

Miss Robinson*s 

company at dinner 

on Wednesday evening 

December 27ih at eight o'clock 

Small Cotillion 4 Wesi Sixteenth Street 

[2] 



HvAritatUmi atib StmOneris 



If an occasion is in honor of guests, the preferred 
and courteous form is to begin an invitation with 
the names of guests : 

To meet Mr. and Mrs. Frederick Hall 

The general fashion is to write the lines above 
the engraved names of host and hostess, thus: 

To meet 

Miss Mildred Robinson 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Mills Thompson 

request the pleasure of 

Miss Thome*s 

company at dinm^ 

on Wednesday, January third 

at eight 6*cloch 

Three East Seventy-third Street 

For a very ceremonious occasion, a card engraved 
for the purpose should be used. When older persons 
entertain in honor of very young people, as, for ex- 
ample, when parents invite guests to meet a bride 
and bridegroom, a form may be: 

Mr. and Mrs. William Ddafield 

request the pleasure of your company 

on Thursday evening, January the eleventh 

at nine o^dock, to meet 

Mr. and Mrs. William Ddafield, Junior. 

R.s,v.p. 606 Fifth Avenue 

[8] 



IS^t etiquette of £eto fBtnti tEo-bap 

A formal invitation to a dinner may be written 
on note paper, instead of engraved on a card, the 
usual formula being followed, thus: 

Mr. and Mrs, Henry Howard Warren 

request the pleasure of 

Mr. and Mrs. Gray*s 

company at dmm>r 

on Thursday evening^ January the fifteenth 

at eight 6*dock 

At Bar Harbor, where there is so much gayety in 
summer and where the officers of the American or 
British squadrons are hosts when in port» a form of 
invitation is: 

Rear-Admiral Farrington 

and the Officers of the 

North Atlantic Squadron 

request the honor of your presence at a Reception 

on hoard of the 

U. S. Flagship New York 

to 

Vice-Admiral Sir Frederick Bradford, K.C.B. 

and the Officers of the 

British North American Squadron 

September the fifths from three until six o'clock 

Bar Harbor Dancing 

[4] 



Inbttatumis atib ^nsOi^tti 



An invitation to a garden party in honor of the 
visiting squadrons is in the name of host and hostess, 
the occasion being when men are guests of honor. 
The form is: 

Sea View Lodge 

To meet the Admirals and Officers of ihe 

British and American Squadrons 

Mr, and Mrs. Robert Kennedy Potter 

request the pleasure of your company 

on Thursday y September siodh 

from four until half after six o'clock 

The word "ball" is never used on invitations. 
In fact, the word is in disuse in conversation, the 
terms "cotilhon" and "dance" having taken its 
place. The French words, hal paudrh^ are allowable 
on an invitation and indicate that guests are ex« 
pected to wear fancy dress and powdered hair. 

Invitations to a wedding, or a ceremonious dinner 
are issued two or three weeks in advance of the 
function. Informal invitations may be sent a week 
or a few days in advance. 

Invitations to weddings and formal dinners are 
sent in the name of the host and hostess, but for an 
afternoon tea, or "at home" they are issued by 
the hostess alone. 

One may not ask for an invitation to a luncheon, 
dinner or card party for a friend who is visiting in 

[6] 



«M— ^— —i— — — — ^— — — I I II I I I I ^— ^^ I ———a 

one's house. One may ask for an invitation to a 
dance or reception for a stranger in town, provided 
one knows the hostess sufficiently well to make the 
request. 

It is not courteous to invite any one but an inti- 
mate friend to fill a vacancy at a dinner at the last 
moment A seuAVk Wend »>n comply mlh .ud. 
. «,ue,., ,he»by helping . ho.U» to. dilemm. 
and earning her gratitude. 

Invitations to dinners and luncheons are, of course, 
not sent to friends who are in mourning, as that 
would be an empty form, but invitations to wed- 
dings, receptions, etc., must be sent as a mark of 
compliment and remembrance, even when it is 
known that these friends will not accept. Great 
care should be taken in revising one's list when 
sending out general invitations or marriage announce- 
ments, so that the name of a departed member of a 
family may not be included, or, naturally, friends 
might be offended at such a sign of indifference. 

When a hostess sends cards for a tea she is merely 
notifying her friends that she will be at home on a 
certain afternoon, and they may call or send cards, 
as they please. A written reply is not necessary. 
It makes no difference to her in point of conve- 
nience or numbers whether they call or not. She is 
prepared to receive her friends generally, and she 
is not obliged to fill any vacant places; but if a hostess 
sends out invitations to a luncheon, a dinner, or a 

[6] 



StibftatioiiK anb ^nstiMvi 



card party, she wishes to know how many guests 
she may expect. How can she know if they fail to 
reply? 

A dinner mvitation is the highest compliment and 
conveys the greatest mark of cordiaUty towards an 
invited guest. It is an extreme want of politeness, 
therefore, for a guest to dday in sending a reply 
and thus leave the hostess in doubt as to whether her 
invitation will be accepted. Trivial excuses at the 
last moment are unpardonable if one wishes to be 
retained on the list of one's hostess. 

The person who sends an invitation is supposed 
to be offering pleasure to guests. Shall they seem 
lacking in appreciation of the compliment? A good 
rule to follow is to put the question to one's self: 
*' How should I feel if a friend neglected to reply to 
my invitation? Would I not have reason to be of- 
fended or grieved?" 

Frequently the difficulty with the writer of a reply 
seems to be in choosing the words in which to write 
an acceptance or regret. One person fears to ap- 
pear too formal; another is afraid of sa}dng too lit- 
tle or too much, and thus a long delay results, and 
the recipient of the invitation gets the credit from 
the sender of being rude, when the trouble may have 
arisen from anxiety as to correct forms. 

The best course always is to observe very carefully 
the formula of an invitation and follow it precisely in 
a reply. If it is in the third person, the reply must 

[7] 



Wbt etiquette of ifietti |9oti( tlCo-trnp 

be in the third person. If it is in the first person it 
must be answered by an informal note in the first 
person. 

It would seem obvious that the reply should in- 
variably be sent to the person or persons in whose 
name or names, an invitation is issued, yet perplexity 
sometimes exists in the minds of those who inquire 
in regard to a home wedding invitation, " To whom 
shall I send a reply? The bride-elect is a stranger 
to me. The bridegroom is a friend of our famUy. 
The invitation is from the bride's parents." Of 
course, the reply must be sent to the bride's parents. 
They have issued the invitation, not the bride, and 
not the bridegroom. 

The envelope containing the answer to an invi- 
tation should be addressed to the hostess, not to 
the host and hostess. A hostess has charge of the 
invitations. 

As a rule not more than two or tjiree of the women 
of a family should go to an entertainment unless re- 
lated to those issuing the invitation. ^ This rule does 
not apply to men, as they are always in demand. All 
members of a family should be included in a wed- 
ding invitation. 

A first invitation should always be accepted. 

An invitation to a church wedding does not need 
a written reply, but it is courteous to acknowledge 
the fact that one has been remembered, therefore 
cards should be sent to the bride's parents, if the 

[8] 



9nbttattoiifi( attb ^nsOi^ttil 



address is known, and to the newly married pair 
on the day of the wedding or immediately after. If 
preferred, cards may be left later at the mother's 
house, but without asking for any one. Leaving 
cards is always more poUte than mailing them. 

An unmarried woman would send or leave one 
card for the bride's mother and one for the bride. 

Tel^rams of congratulation are sometimes sent 
inmiediately after the hour for a wedding ceremony by 
intimate friends who have not been able to be present. 

Marriage announcements are acknowledged by 
sending cards to those in whose name they are is- 
sued and also to the bride and bridegroom. 

There can be no provisional acceptance of an in- 
vitation to a luncheon, a dinner or a card party. 
It is not good manners to say one will accept if in 
town at the time or anything of that sort. An in- 
vitation for a husband and wife must be accepted 
or declined by both. One should not accept with- 
out the other. 

If an invitation is in the third person the reply 
would.be: 

Mr. and Mrs. Beekman 

accept with plea,sure 

Mr. and Mrs. Winthrop^s 

kind invitation for 

Tuesday evening, February the tenth 

at eight o*clock 

[9] 



It is important to repeat the date and the hour 
in writing an acceptance in order to avoid any mis- 
understanding. 

It is not necessary to give reasons for declining an 

invitation when writing a fonnal reply. Some per- 

sons plead a previous engagement or absence from 

town. If a previous engagement is mentioned, it 

would not be correct to explain its nature. One may 

write: 

Mr. and Mrs* George Brown 

regret that ovnng to a previoiia engagement 

they are unable to accept 

Mr. and Mrs. BlanVs 

very kind invitation 

for Tuesday evening^ February the third 

An informal note of invitation may be: 

My dear Mrs. Oray: 

Wm you and Mr. Gray dine with us informally 
on Thursday evening ^ February the secovd^ at.half 
after seven o'clock and go afterwards to the flay? 

Trusting that we may have the pleasure of seeing 

youy I am. 

Yours sincerely J 

Elizabeth Warren. 

An informal note in the first person requires a 
reply in a form something like the following: 

[10] 



Snbitattmut anb ^nsOntxi 



My dear Mrs. Warren: 

Mr. Oray and I accept with much pleasure your 
very hind invitation to dine on Tuesday evening, 
February the second, at half after seven o*clock. 

Sincerely yours, 

Katharine Oray. 

An invitation once accepted is a binding obliga- 
tion. If illness or any other cause arise, making it 
imposable to go to a dinner after having accepted 
an invitation, an immediate note of explanation and 
r^ret should be sent to the hostess. 

If a previous engagement cannot be offered, when 
writing a fonnal refusal, and yet there exists some 
good reason for not accepting, the words may be 
"r^ret that they are unable to accept the very kind 
WMon. ^r I. i, no, come I »y "L b. 
unable." The fact of the refusal rests in the present, 
not in the future. 

Answers to invitations are not written on cards. 
It is exceedingly bad form to enclose a card with 
"R^rets," or, "Accepts," written on it. 

The first rule in social life is not to economize 
in politeness. While it is not in good taste to be 
effusive, it is better to err on the side of politeness 
than to appear abrupt or indifferent. 

The rule is to send a wedding invitation to Mr. 
and Mrs. C, a separate one to the Misses C, and 
a separate one to each young man in the family. It 

[11] 



Wbt CtiQttette of .^etai |^oc& tE^bop 

is considered polite not to appear saving of station- 
ery. It is not proper to address ** Mr. and Mrs. C. 
and family." 

Invitations to be sent by mail are enclosed in an 
outer envelope. The inner envelope is addressed 
to Mr. and Mrs. C, the outer envelope bears the 
full name and address. When a laige number of 
invitations are to be issued they are addressed by 
persons employed for the purpose. It is in best 
form to send invitations by responsible messengers 
and in a large dty these messengers are supplied 
by a trustworthy person, part of whose business it 
is to attend to such matters. When wedding invita- 
tions or cards for lai^e receptions are to be delivered 
by hand each invitation has but one envelope, with- 
out mucilage, and unsealed, and addressed with 
street address. An invitation to a dinner is sealed. 

The letters R.s.v.p, stand for the French words, 
**Rep(mdez 8*il vous plaity" "Please reply," but are 
not in general use. They are sometimes used on 
invitations for a dance, theatre party, or card party, 
but not on wedding invitations. 

Invitations for a man should be addressed to his 
residence or club, not to his oflSce. 

An invitation should include the husband with 
the wife, unless the entertainment is exclusively for 
women. Even though the husband is not known per- 
sonally to the sender, his existence cannot be ignored. 

When replying to an invitation to commencement 

[12] 



inbttotumtf anb ^nsSb^txi 



exercises, one may write in the third person in the 
customary formula, substituting the words, *4he in- 
vitation to the Commencement Exercises at Hobart 
Collie, etc.," and address the reply to the friend 
whose card is enclosed in the invitation. 

For a birthday party a young girl may write in- 
formal notes to her friends: 

My dear Mary: 

I am asking a few friends to spend Ttiesday evening^ 

May ninths with me, to celebrate my birthday , and it 

wUl give me much 'pleasure if you and your brother 

win come at eight o'clock. 

Cordially yours, 

Margaret Lawrence, 

A girl may, with her mother's approval, write a 
note of this sort: 

My dear Mr. White: 

My mother wishes me to say that it wiU give her 
much pleasure if you will spend Saturday evening, 
September fifteenth, with us, very informally. 

We are asking a few friends to meet Miss Rose 

Post, who is staying with us, and we hope to see you 

at half after eight o'clock. 

Yours sincerely, 

Helen Field. 
[18] 



Wbt etiquette of ifieto |9orfc tEo-liap 

Invitations for a luncheon given by a married 
woman and her sister for a friend who is visiting 
them may be: 

Mrs. Howard Brown 

and 

Miss Rosamond Dodge 

request the pleasure of 

Miss HamUton^s 

company at luncheon 

on Tuesday y January the fifteenth 

at half after one o'clock 

to meet 

Miss Dorothy Edwards 

Yomig girls may issue invitations for luncheons 
for their girl friends, either by formal or informal 
notes. An informal note may be: 

My dear Marian: 

May I have the pleasure of your company at lunch- 
eon on Thursday, December twerdy-firsty at half after 

one o^clockf 

Yours sincerely, 

Edith Hoyt. 



[14] 



CHAPTER II 

LUNCHEONS 

THERE is nothing difficult in giving a small 
luncheon and no better way of encouraging 
intimacy between women, who see nothing 
of each other at dinners and merely exchange a few 
words at teas or receptions. At luncheon they sit 
down for a pleasant, social hour. 

Six or eight persons make a good number for a 
luncheon, where easy and general conversation is 
desirable. 

The appointments of the table and the service at 
a luncheon do not differ materially from the rules 
for a dinner. These are fully explained in later 
chapters. At a luncheon a bread and butter plate 
is placed at the left of each place; butter pats, rolls, 
or bread, are passed. A napkin, plainly folded, may 
be on each place-plate, or at the left, but a roll is 
not at each place at luncheon as at dinner. 

If the table is of mahogany a centrepiece of white 
linen drawn-work or embroidery may be used on 
the bare table. Fine doilies may be under the plates 
at the places. 

A more elaborate effect may be gained by using a 

[15] 



luncheon cloth of Italian lace insertion over a 
mahogany table. 

In winter the table is lighted with candles as for a 
dinner. In spring or summer daylight is the most 
appropriate. 

The color scheme for a luncheon is carried out by 
the flowers and candleshades. Sometimes the color 
is accentuated by the use of the prevailing color in 
the china used throughout the luncheon. Pink is 
always a good color; white and green are floral com- 
binations easily contrived; while in spring, with day- 
light, yellow daffodils are gay and bright and add 
to the effect of sunshine. 

The menu depends on the season. In winter the 
first course may be grapefruit in glasses according 
to .the modem fashion. These glasses of pretty 
shapes are now made for the purpose. Tall glasses 
with rather broad bowls on slender stems are used. 
Another style is to use low, broad glasses filled with 
finely chopped ice, and in each is fitted a second glass 
containing the fruit. An orange spoon is used to 
eat the fruit. The glasses standing on plates are 
at the places when guests take their seats. Napkins, 
plainly folded, are at the left of each place. 

Other courses to follow may be clam bouillon with 
whipped cream; lobster i la Newburg; sweetbreads 
and peas; salad; sweets and coffee. 

Soup at luncheon is always served in bouillon cups, 
therefore a large teaspoon, or dessert spoon, is laid 

[16] 



JLmtiitmi 



at each place when the table is set, or a spoon ac- 
companies each cup and saucer when served. A 
bouillon cup containing soup and standing on a 
saucer is put down on a plate according to the 
rules in the chapter explaining the manner of ser- 
ving dinner. 

In spring an*egg course is introduced as an entr^, 
the variations m the preparations of eggs depend- 
ing on sauces, garnishing, etc. Omelets, eggs with 
cheese or with mushrooms are popular. 

In Lent luncheons vary by the omission of a meat 
course, but very delicious entrees of fish, lobster, 
eggs, asparagus, etc., make up the menu. 

In summer the menu may be varied by jellied con- 
somme; boiled salmon with hoUandaise sauce, cu- 
cumbers with French dressing; broiled chicken, 
green peas; salad; ices; strawberries and cream, or 
other seasonable fruits. 

Roasts do not appear at a luncheon. It is made 
up chiefly of entrees. 

The manner of preparing grapefruit is to cut the 
fruit crosswise, remove the pulp and juice carefully, 
without seeds or inner skin, cut the fruit in bits, and 
add white grapes cut in half and seeds removed, 
powdered sugar and sherry, or the sugar may be 
omitted if maraschino is added. The fruit is chilled 
and served in glasses. 

Salads are always special features at a luncheon. 
A novel salad is of pineapple, grapefruit, and 



tEbt €tiQitette of i^to |9arfc tCo-bap 

celery, with mayonnaise sauce. The pineapple is 
cut lengthwise, the fruit scooped out and the shell 
of the pineapple laid on a dish with lettuce leaves 
or surrounded by lettuce hearts. The pineapple is 
fiUed with the ixture. 

A winter salad, effective in color, is of red apples. 
The apples are scooped out and filled with apple 
and celery mayonnaise, the apples resting on lettuce 
leaves. 

Pears, scooped out, the skins removed and the 
pears filled with nut mayonnaise and resting on let- 
tuce leaves compose a new salad. 

A recent fashion is to have a very short menu of 
three or four courses, if a game of cards is to be' 
played afterwards. Fruit, an entree, salad, dessert 
and coffee are sufficient, or one of these courses is 
omitted. 

Desserts for luncheon differ from the more con- 
ventional desserts served at dinner and may be 
jellies, sweet omelets, custards, and plain cake. 

White wine, sherry or claret may be served during 
luncheon, or only one wine. Coffee is served in 
small cups and may be passed at the table after des- 
sert or served later in the drawing-room. 

"Standing-up" luncheons are returning to favor, 
this method admitting of inviting a large number 
of guests. The service is similar to a buffet collation 
at a wedding. 

Another fashion is to have a nimiber of small tables, 

[18] 



JMrnfftonsi 



this plan requiring a number of servants, one to every 
four or six persons. In summer and in suitable 
surroundings luncheons served on a veranda are 
charming, this method being popular at country 
clubs or at country weddings. 

Guests remove veils and wraps in a dressing-room 
on arrival, but hats are kept on. Gloves are removed 
when taking one's seat at table. When taking 
luncheon very informally with a friend gloves are 
removed before going to the dining-room. 

The hostess may lead the way in going in to 
luncheon, walking beside a guest, or she may ask her 
friends to precede her. Guests do not go in to 
luncheon arm in arm, but singly, each lady alone, 
or side by side, if space permits. There is no ccmi- 
ventional procedure in the matter. At an informal 
affair the hostess tells the guests where to sit, instead 
of having name-cards. 

Guests are not expected to remain more than half 
an hour after a luncheon unless cards are to follow 
or some other amusement is planned by the hostess. 



[19] 



CHAPTER III 

TEAS 

IT is interesting to consider the evolution of the 
afternoon tea, the function which has be- 
come so universal and which serves as an op- 
portunity for a mother to introduce her daughter 
to society, or as a means of cancelling one's social 
obligations by including all one's friends in one or 
two sweeping afternoon entertainments. In Eng- 
land the afternoon cup of tea is as r^ular an insti- 
tution as breakfast, luncheon or dinner. Many 
years ago the present Queen Alexandra, when Prin- 
cess of Wales, began the fashion of asking her friends 
to come in for a cup of tea and a chat in the after- 
noon. Society in general soon adopted the idea, 
and it was quickly imported to America. 

The afternoon tea is still a favorite way of enter- 
taining. It oflfers women an opportunity for meet- 
ing friends or making new acquaintances, and for 
arranging plans, or interchanging civilities. 

There are various kinds of these afternoon affairs, 
from the small, informal tea to the big crush with 
many guests. A "day" for being at home means 
that a hostess will receive during the conventional 

[20] 



hours for visiting— from three untU six o'clock. A 
popular custom is to have two or four days, for in- 
stance, Tuesdays, December third and tenth, or 
Thursdays in December, and to indicate the fact by 
having the words engraved on the lower left-hand 
comer of the visiting card and sending cards to one's 
list of general acquaintances. 

Instead of using one's small visiting card a new 
fashion is to issue a larger card as follows: 

Mrs. Winihrop Egerton 

Tuesdays 

The third and ierUh of January ThiHy Madison Avenue 

From four until seven 6'cLock 

Numerals, dates and addresses are engraved m full. 

Early in December many invitations arrive, for 
at this season the debutant^ is presented to her 
parents' friends at what is called in familiar social 
parlance, "a coming-out tea." 

The presentation of a daughter involves certain 
form. A special day is set apart and a special card 
is engraved, bearing the name of the daughter be- 
neath that of her mother and the words, "At Home," 
with the date and hours for receiving — ^from four 
until seven o'clock at a tea of this kind — ^and the ad- 
dress. Frequently the words, "Wednesdays in Janu- 
ary," or the like, in the lower left-hand comer of a 
card of this sort indicate additional days when the 

[21] 



mother and daughter will be at home informally. 
Cards about five inches long by three and a half 
wide are used. Script is the preferred style of en- 
graving. Shaded colonial is a new fashion. 

The new form is rather elaborate and has the 
words " will be at home," a,nd a redundance of prep- 
ositions, thus: 

Mrs. Henry Oriswold 

and Miss Oriswold 

will be at home 

on Saturday y the ninth of December 

from four until seven 6*cloch 

at Eleven East Fiftieth Street 

When there are several sisters in a family and the 
youngest is to be introduced the names appear thus: 

Mrs. George Barclay 

The Misses Barclay 

and Miss Constance Barclay 

Frequently at a large reception there is an orches- 
tra screened by palms in the hall; there are flowers 
in lavish profusion. Bouquets, baskets of flowers, 
or cut flowers are sent to the debutante. Rooms are 
lighted, and window-shades are drawn down. The 
hostess receives standing near the door of the draw- 
ing-room and greets each guest by shaking hands. 
The daughter to be introduced stands beside her 

[22] 



mother. Their dresses are high in the neck with 
long or elbow sleeves and white gloves. A white 
dress is worn by the debutante. 

On these formal days a strip of carpet may be laid 
from curb to door. A man is engaged to call car- 
riages and a Uveried footman opens carriage doors. 
In lainy weather an awning should be raised for 

remove their wraps and where men may leave hats, 
overcoats and umbrellas. The women do not re- 
move their hats unless previously invited to receive 
with the hostess. Guests leave their cards when en- 
tering the house as a reminder to the hostess that 
they have been present. The servant who opens the 
door mentions where the dressing-rooms are. A 
maid is in attendance in the dressing-room for ladies 
to assist them with their wraps. A servant checks 
hats and overcoats for the men. , 

Guests are expected to arrive at a tea at any time 
between four and seven o'clock. They are not ex- 
pected to remain during the entire time specified on 
the invitation, although they are at liberty to stay 
as long or as short a time as they please. Guests 
do not inquire if the hostess is at home, but enter 
the house immediately when the door is opened. 
A servant stands at the front door to open it for ar- 
riving and departing guests and holds a tray to 
receive cards, and deposits the cards on a large card- 
recdver on the hall table. 

I 23 I 



Wbt etiquette of i^tai |9orft tECo-bap 

»— i— ■■ ■■■IIMIII.II II —■^—■—^—^1^-. IIP !■ 

At formal teas a man-servant stands outside of the 
door of the drawing-room and announces to the 
hostess the names of guests as they enter. This 
assists the memory of the hostess when reeeiving a 
large number of guests. At small teas this form is 
dispensed with. 

If a tea is given for a daughter of the hostess some 
of her girl friends do their part in presiding at the 
table in the dining-room, or flitting to and fro among 
the guests, making themselves useful in various 
ways. 

Elaborate refreshments are not usually served at 
a debutante's tea; as a rule, bouillon, tea, chocolate, 
Uttle sandwiches of the daintiest sort, cakes large and 
small, bonbons and punch are offered. 

Flowers are in the centre of the table and shaded 
candles make a becoming light. The table appoint- 
ments, linen, silver, china, etc., are of the choicest 
sort. Servants are in attendance to remove soiled 
china, and see that the dishes are rcplenished. 

When planning to give a large or small tea it is 
well to invite friends who are to receive or pour tea 
some time before the cards are issued; otherwise, 
they may have engagements. They may be asked 
verbally or by note by some such informal expression 
as, " Will you come and pour tea for me on such a 
day?" or, "Will you come and receive?" The 
duties of these friends are generally imderstood, but 
may be specified. They are not expected to stand 



with the hostess and absolutely "receive" with her, 
but to move about and be agreeable to guests, ao 
companying them to the dining-room or ofifering any 
little attentions. Those who pour tea are seated at 
each end of the table in the dining-room, having 
before them the tea or chocolate service, and all the 
necessary accompaniments. 

At the dose of the afternoon the hostess should 
express her appreciation to the friends who have 
assisted her, and who have added to the success of 
the occasion. 

When going to an afternoon tea in winter one may 
remove any heavy outerwrap and leave it inadressing- 
room, but if one wears a little coat which is part of 
the reception dress one enters the drawing-room 
wearing it and retains one's furs. One greets the 
hostess and then moves on to give place to other 
arrivals, talks to acquaintances, goes to the dining- 
room to have tea without waiting for a special in- 
vitation to do so, as one is supposed to find friends. 

A hostess may say, " You will find Miss Lawrence 
in the dining-room pouring tea," or, "Will you go 
in and have a cup of tea?" but a hostess does not 
accompany guests, as she is supposed to be busy 
receiving those who are arriving. Tea is served 
continuously during the afternoon. 

It is customary to take leave of one's hostess un- 
less there is a great crush and she is engaged with 
guests. If it is a first visit at her house it is obliga- 

I 25 ] 



Wbt etiquette of iBeto l^orit tKo-bap 

tory to take leave of her and to say something about 
the pleasure of the afternoon. 

A husband is not supposed to receive at his wife's 
tea and never stands beside her, but he may be pres- 
ent at a large reception and mingle among the guests, 
or come in late in the afternoon. 

When a young girl is invited to "pour tea" she 
will find the position no sinecure, and if she would 
prove herself fitted to it there are many things to be 
considered. A girl likes the compliment of being 
asked to preside at a tea-table. The importance of 
her position flatters her, yet she must remember that 
if she would please her hostess and the guests, she 
must forget herself and strive to think only of them. 
She must arrive early and before the guests. She 
must be appropriately dressed in a dress of some 
pale color, high in the neck. Although some young 
girls who pour tea wear their hats, it is not the gen- 
eral fashion. A hostess may say to friends whom 
she asks to pour tea that she wishes them to come 
without their hats, or to wear their hats. As a rule, 
hats are not worn when "pouring" at a debutante's 
tea. On more informal occasions hats may be worn. 
Gloves are not worn when pouring tea. 

The girl who "pours tea" must have skill in pre- 
paring a cup of the fragrant herb. She must know 
how to give a quiet order to a servant. If her hostess 
is a wise one she will have two teapots so that tea may 
constantly be freshly made. 

[26] 



Care is required in ascertaining the individual 
taste of each guest, as to whether tea is preferred 
weak or strong, with or without sugar and cream. 
Besides the care of the material needs of the guests 
the young girl who presides should be able to talk 
easily and brightly with them. She must be gracious 
in manner, interested in each newcomer, not ab- 
sorbed in talking to a young num while neglecting 
two or three older persons who stand near. If need 
be, she must rise and draw up a chair for some older 
woman. She may speak to guests whether known 
to her or not, but this does not constitute a bowing 
acquaintance later unless an introduction has oc- 
curred. By her graceful cordiality she may help to 
make the afternoon enjoyable to many guests, not 
only her own young friends, the girls and men who 
are well able to take care of their own amusement, 
but the family friends who always appear at these 
functions and who seldom go out in society, and, 
therefore, feel a little strange. The girl who makes 
herself equally charming to young and old will 
be a desirable friend to preside at an afternoon tea- 
table. 

For informal days at home it is sufficient for a 
hostess to send her visiting card with the date en- 
graved or written in the lower left-hand comer. 

If one is always at home on a r^ular day, the day 
is engraved in the lower left-hand comer of one's 
visiting card, but many women find it a task to re- 

[27] 



tSbt CtiQitette of ^to |9otfc So-ba? 

main at home always on a certain day and prefer to 
select a few days during the winter, and issue cards 
with special dates on them. 

On the day for receiving, a hostess is in the draw- 
ing-room by three o'clock in the afternoon, wearing 
a becoming dress high in the neck. 

The furniture should be arranged so that the rooms 
may look attractive, not stiff and formal, and as many 
flowers as may well be afforded are in vases on man- 
tel and tables. 

Some of the most enjoyable teas are the most in- 
formal. The hostess may have the tea service on a 
small table in her drawing-room and pour out the 
beverage herself. Guests come in, two or three at a 
time, and at the house of a popular hostess one may 
feel sure of meeting friends and having a cordial ex- 
change of greetings on a certain day of the season. 
On informal occasions a hostess does not stand near 
the door, but moves about among her guests. 

In small' houses or apartments where few servants 
are kept a small tea-table may be placed for the 
aftemL in a comer of the draw^-room. with 
teacups and other things in readiness, but in most 
cases a small folding tea-table is brought in by a 
servant and placed before any chair where the hostess 
may be seated. A white Unen cloth is thrown over 
it, and then the tray is carried in and placed on the 
table with all the necessary things for tea, the urn, 
teapot, sugar-bowl and sugar tongs, cream jug, tea- 

[28] 



tSeauBS 

caddy, cups and saucers. Teaspoons are on the 
saucers, not in a holder. The urn, or hot water 
kettle is of silver or brass and rests over an alcohol 
lamp. Cut sugar is used, never granulated or pow- 
dered sugar. Guests sit near the tea-table, or take 
their cup of tea and carry it to another part of the 
room if they are talking with other guests there. 
They do not usually care to take a plate, as very 
small sandwiches and cakes are served and guests 
simply take one up in the fingers and eat it while 
holding a cup of tea in the other hand, but small 
plates are sometimes used, and there are small white 
linen fringed doilies. 

A little English "muffin-table," consisting of three 
tiers and which is easily moved about is also used 
for holding plates of cake, toast, hot muffins, etc. 

A tea-table is never left standing in a drawing- 
room but is prepared only when to be used. 

At small teas the cups of tea may be handed to 
ladies by men who are present or by the lady pre- 
siding at the tea-table. 

When taking a cup of tea at a reception it is not 
usual to remove one's gloves. 

A cup and saucer may be placed on any table near, 
when one has finished, unless a man offers to rdieve 
one of it. 

A young girl may have an informal tea for her 
girl friends, and include young men in the invita- 
tions, provided her mother's card is enclosed. The 

[29] 



Wtn etiquette of ^to fSotk Wthtiap 

daughter's card may have the date on it as an intima- 
tion that the afiPair is especially for yoimg people. 
The mother should receive and be present during 
the afternoon. 

Even on informal occasions it is more convenient 
to have the tea served from the table in the dining- 
room. 

There should be a neatly dressed maid to open the 
door for guests as they arrive and leave, and one in 
the dining-room to remove cups, etc., which have 
been used and to bring fresh china. If there is but 
one maid she may be alert enough to attend to both 
duties. A hostess must always have some one to open 
the door on her "days." Even in a very modest 
apartment it would not seem an afiPectation to hire 
a maid or a boy to open the door on such an occasion. 

In large cities the effort is made by persons living 
in the same neighborhood, who have the same 
friends and acquaintances, to have the same day for 
being at home, as this is convenient for those coming 
from a distance to make a round of visits. 

A hostess sends cards to her men friends and must 
include husbands with their wives. Cards are issued 
two weeks in advance. 



[80] 



CHAPTER IV 

INFORMAL CARD PARTIES. TEAS AND 

MUSICALS 

THE fashion of giving card parties at all sea- 
sons of the year is in such favor that it is 
necessary to be a good player if one would 
go out much in society. Classes are formed for 
practice, and a competent teacher is employed for 
courses of lessons, so that when invitations to card 
parties arrive one may be suflSciently well versed in 
the general rules to be able to take part without 
inconvenience to the other players. People who do 
not know how to play cards in these days must 
make haste to learn, if they would keep up with a 
popular diversion. In fact, those who are ignorant 
of the games hesitate to accept invitations to card 
parties, fearing to spoil the pleasure of others, besides 
being a tax on their hostess. Players should be 
rather equally matched, and while it may not be 
necessary to be a scientific player, except in " bridge," 
it is old-fashioned and unpardonable for a guest at 
a card party not to understand the game. A hostess 
who proposes to give a card party should be reason- 
ably sure that her guests have some knowledge of 

[31] 



^t etiquette of BetQ l^otk (tCo-bop 

the games to be played. "Bridge" is almost an 
epidemic at present. Seven or eight-handed euchre 
admits of asking any convenient number of people. 
The hostess does not always play, but if she prefers 
to play and should win a prize, she gives it to a guest. 

Friends are invited by informal notes or formal in- 
vitations in the third person, or the card of the hostess 
may do duty, with the words, " Bridge, at three 
o'clock," or, " Euchre at three o'clock," written on 
the card, with the date and R.s.v.p. Guests are ex- 
pected to reply by note, without delay and definitely, 
to an invitation to a card party, so that a hostess 
may know how many to expect, or may fill the 
places of those who are unable to come. Tables 
and chairs in sufficient number to accommodate 
guests are arranged in the rooms. A dressing-room 
where ladies may leave their wraps should be pro* 
vided. Hats are not removed at an afternoon party. 
Gloves are removed when playing cards. 

The hostess usually decides where guests are to 
be seated at tables, and after greeting them directs 
them to their places. Tables are usually filled as 
guests arrive and late comers must be content to be 
assigned quickly. A more formal way is to have 
lists of names and assign guests to certain tables. 
Name-cards may be used as at a dinner. 

The limit of time for playing is two hours, and 
when the time is approaching or over, the hostess 
announces the fact. 

[32] 



BIttConiuil Carb $arttefi(, tRtas anb iHtuatttate 

Score may be kept at euchre parties by having at 
each place a little bag of silk into which counters 
are placed by winners after each hand is played, the 
counters being distributed by one person. When 
games are over the contents of the bags are counted 
on the table by each guest. A prize wrapped in 
white tissue paper and tied with colored ribbon is 
given to the winner at each table, the winner open- 
ing the prize immediately and showing it, and cor- 
dially expressing to the hostess pleasure in receiving 
the gift. A "consolation** or "booby'* prize is 
drawn for by the losers at each table. This prize 
is some pretty article not equal to the first prize, but 
chosen by the hostess with a view of pleasing. Prizes 
for winners are duplicates, and this rule is observed 
in purchasing "booby" prizes. Photograph frames, 
silver trifles for desk or dressing-table, books, silk 
work-bags, handkerchief cases, china, glass, leather 
or other useful or ornamental articles are given. 
The best taste is in not displaying extravagance in 
the selection of prizes. 

A card party is an easy form of entertainment, for 
the reason that guests amuse themselves. There is 
plenty of fun and laughter, and the friendly rivalry 
in prize-winning adds to the zest of the occasion. 

A hostess may include many guests in one after- 
noon by sending invitations for a card party for 
three o'clock to those who would like to play cards, 
and sending cards for tea at fiye to others who are 

[83] 



Z^t etiquette of ^\o fBotk ISo^p 

averse to card playing but who may be glad to come 
in later, informally. 

SimpUcity and informaUty seem to go hand-in- 

efforts in elaboration or novelty in feast or decora- 
tion seldom bring satisfaction to hostess or pleasure 
to guests. A hostess with originaUty. experience 
and executive ability may plan and carry out all 
sorts of novel schemes in entertainment successfuUy, 
but, unless very sure of her powers, it is wise to keep 
to simple things rather than to try innovations. 

The most delightful gatherings are those where 
congenial friends are brought together and where 
the spirit of hospitality reigns. 

An afternoon may bean opportunity for assembling 
one's friends by informal notes of invitation for a 
chat and a cup of tea. A small and special ''tea" 
in honor of a friend who is a visitor is an excuse for 
bringing to one's home a few chosen intimates who 
may be congenial to her and to each other. The 
card of the hostess is sent with the words, " To meet 
Mrs. White," written across the top and the date 
and the hour in a lower comer, as follows: 

To meet Mrs, Oakley 

Mrs, Lindley RtisseU Hoffman 

Friday f Jan. 20th 

From 4 until 7 o'clock 10 West Thirty-sixth Street 

[34] 



Informal Catb ll^vtksi, tEtaa otib Mniitalsi 

When only a few guests are bidden a simple 
fashion is to have a small table in a comer of the 
room where guests are received, with the tea-service 
in readiness upon it. The hostess or a friend may 
pour tea. In winter the room may be made very cozy 
with lamplight and attractive with flowers on mantel 
and tables. A sparkling wood fire on the hearth 
adds very much to the good cheer. Care should be 
taken not to allow the atmosphere to be over-heated 
or too heavy with the fragrance of flowers. If 
flowers are not easily obtainable a few potted plants 
are very decorative in effect. 

When there is music guests are expected to enter 
quietly if the music has begun and greet the hostess 
who may be standing near the door. If seated, the 
hostess rises to welcome guests, and they are expected 
to take seats if chairs are near or to stand until the 
musical selection is finished. If the occasion is very 
informal, seats are not arranged in rows, the usual 
furniture of the room being sufficient. If many 
guests are to be present, folding chairs are hired and 
the room is filled with these in rows. The pro- 
gramme is usually in two parts, with an intermission 
for conversation. After the music every one rises 
and moves about and servants fold and remove the 
chairs. An afternoon may be varied by having reci- 
tations or readings by clever professionals or ama- 
teurs. The words, " Music and Recitations,'' should 
be on the cards issued. 

[86] 



Wbt etiquette of iU\n |9orfc QCo-bap 

After the programme of selections is completed, 
tea is served in the dining-room, according to the 
suggestions given in the preceding chapter. 

The same manner of serving tea is followed after 
a card party. 

Very simple things may be served at an evening 
card party, although there is no law of limitation. 
Cold salmon with mayonnaise sauce, hot croquettes 
of chicken or lobster, salads, ices, cake and a mild 
punch would be an abundance and less would suffice. 

Iced tea and fruit lemonade are served on summer 
afternoons, the fruit beverage being made of a rich 
syrup of lemon juice, water and sugar boQed and 
chilled. When cold, bits of fresh fruit, orange, 
banana, strawberries, candied cherries are added. 

"Claret-cup** is a delicious beverage and easily 
made, as follows: Into a glass pitcher holding about 
three quarts squeeze the juice of three lemons. Add 
four tablespoons of powdered sugar, two cordial 
glasses of cura9oa, two slices of cucumber rind; add 
three pints of claret and one pint of Apollinaris. 
Chopped ice, finely cut orange, and berries are added 
and a bunch of fresh mint decorates the top. 

Sandwiches for teas, etc., are in great variety. 
Sldll and refinement, a knowledge of delicious com- 
binations which will please the palate, an eye for 
pretty effects in shapes, and the neatest and daintiest 
of methods, are among the secrets of success in 
making a sandwich. The use of the very best butter 

[36] 



Snfotmal Carb $artto» tStasl attb iKiuEttate 

and materials is of importance. Fanciful shapes are 
the diamond and heart for card parties. Strips, 
triangles and circles are favorites for teas. Among 
the varioHS kinds are the cream cheese, nasturtium, 
chopped salted almond, walnut, sardine, anchovy, 
cucumber, lettuce and olive sandwich. A slice of 
meat is never used in a sandwich. Chicken is 
pounded and only the breast used, ham is chopped 
fine and the seasonings are piquant and delightful. 
Cstviare, or the highly flavored foreign cheeses are 
used for men's parties. The golf sandwich is cut 
round with a biscuit cutter and is of brown bread 
spread with chopped olives, minced lettuce and water- 
cress, tarragon, paprika, parsley and chives, mixed 
with mayonnaise. Another delicious kind is of 
pounded chicken, mixed with the yolk of hard-boiled 
egg, cream and onion juice; and still another is of 
anchovy paste mingled with cheese and mustard. 
The sesthetic sandwich is an idea imported from 
England. It is the rose, the violet, or nasturtium by 
name and is made by shutting fresh, unsalted butter 
in a tight jar with the flowers for several hours. The 
butter absorbs the flavor and is spread on the bread 
which has been treated in the same manner. Home- 
made bread, a day old, is cut as thin as a wafer foi 
sandwiches and the crusts are not used. Jam sand- 
wiches are rolled and are delicious when made of 
raspberry, orange, quince or spiced crushed cur- 
rantSe 

[37] 



Wbt Ctfqttette of ^io l^orii Vo'tep 

A secret of success when giving a tea is in having 
tea of a superior quality and delicate flavor and the 
concoction perfectly made. A guest experiences a 
sensation of depression when tasting a poor cup of 
tea. Water should be boiling when poured on the 
tea. The teapot should be scalded with boiling 
water before the tea is placed in it. A teaspoonful 
of tea for each person and one for the pot is the. rule. 
Tea which is brewed in a china teapot is supposed 
to be better than when made in a silver teapot. It 
may be made in one and poured into the other for 
serving. Tea should be poured a few moments after 
the infusion is made. 

A hot supper for a man's card party may be served 
in courses with the table laid as for a luncheon. Oys- 
ters on the half shell and bouillon in cups would be 
the first two courses, followed by sweetbreads and 
peas, or chicken croquettes, or lobster fard. Game 
in season should come next, quail, duck or venison, 
and salad is served with the game. Then follow 
ices, fruit and coffee. Sherry is served with the 
oysters, and champagne with the third course, and a 
cordial is offered after the coffee. Cigars would then 
be in order. A cold supper may be more easily 
served, having everything on the table and letting 
the guests help themselves as at any ** standing up" 
luncheon or supper. 



[38] 



CHAPTER V 

COTILLIONS, DINNER DANCES, AND 
THEATRE PARTIES 

THE presentation of a daughter to society is 
sometimes made the occasion of a dance 
given by her parents in her honor. If 
their house is not suited to an entertainment of 
the sort there are, in the larger cities, private ball- 
rooms, supper-rooms, drawing-rooms, etc., which 
may be hired for the occasion. A large number of 
invitations are issued, the list sometimes including 
out-of-town friends. 

Engraved forms of invitation are for evening use, 
and the names of the host and hostess always appear, 
thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. Sherman Langdon 
request the pleasure of 



company on the evening of Friday, the fifth of Jantuiry 

at ten o'clock at 8herry*s 
R.s.v.p. Cotillion 

Fifty-six Fifth Avenue 

[89] 



W^t CttQttette ot ^to l^orit Co-Hap 

The home address indicates where replies are to 
be sent. 

At the ball-room entrance the hostess receives with 
her daughter standing beside her. At a ^'coming- 
out ** dance a fashion is to have a large screen back of 
the spot where the debutante stands and this is cov- 
ered with flowers and bouquets her friends have sent 
in honor of the occasion, this method being adopted 
from the fashion at a " coming-out" tea. 

Guests arrive at about eleven o'clock, many going 
from the opera to the dance. General dancing is en- 
joyed until midnight or one o'clock, when a seated 
supper is served at small tables in adjoining rooms. 

The present fashion of having seated suppers en- 
tails expense and requires a retinue of servants, but 
the custom is followed even at dances at private 
residences, the supper and the servants being pro- 
vided, of course, by a responsible caterer. The 
menu consists of bouiUon, creamed oysters, an en- 
tree, game and salad and sweets. Champagne is 
always served. 

Partners for supper are at present a source of as 
great anxiety to the youthful maidens at a ball as 
partners for the cotillion. After supper the cotillion 
is danced. 

On the evening of a large cotillion, dinners are 
given at diflFerent houses by hostesses who "go on" 
later to the dance with their guests, who are among 
those who have already been bidden to the cotillion. 

[40], 



CotiUiottf, Siimer Boncetf^ tE^tattt ^attieis 

Subscription dances are organized under the aus- 
pices of married women who are prominent socially 
and whose names are on the reverse side of the cards 
of invitation. A folded card is the veiy latest usage, 
the names of patronesses being within, and the names 
of the reception conunittee on the back. The sub- 
scriptions of the patronesses give them the privilege 
of a number of invitations to send to friends. The 
invitation is engraved on a large card, space being 
left in which the guest's name may be written. The 

form is: 

The jdeasure of 



company is requested at the 

Second Cinderella Cotillion 

on Thursday^ January %5th 

from nine until twelve o'clock 

Sherry*s Cotillion at ten 

With this is enclosed a card of admission. The 
card of the patroness who sends the invitation may 
be enclosed. Occasionally the line is written in- 
formally across the top of the invitation, " R.s.v.p. 
to Mrs. Morgan, Thirty-six Fifth Avenue." 

The same rule is followed at a dance as at a tea or 
dinner, that a man-servant is stationed outside of the 
drawing-room door and guests mention their names 
distinctly to him and he announces the names as 

[41] 



tElit Cttqnette of jBebi f^otfc tEo-lnap 

guests enter. This is an assistance to the memoiy 
of those receiving. 

Two or three of the patronesses receive and greet 
the guests cordially, shaking hands with each. Other 
patronesses see that every one has a fair amount of 
attention, making necessary introductions, taking 
care that the young girls under their chaperonage 
have partners and an enjoyable evening. 

The so-called "Dancing Classes," which are so 
popular among the younger set, are merely cotillions 
arranged on the plan mentioned, with patronesses 
who are in most cases the mothers of young girls 
especially interested. These patronesses invite per- 
sons to join, each member subscribing a certain sum 
for a series of two or three cotillions held at inter- 
vals in the season, and given at a ball-room hired for 
the purpose. 

Among the New York cotillions are the Cinder- 
ella, Senior, Junior, Saturday Evening, and Dinner 
Dances. The Metropolitan is for girls not yet out 
and takes its title from the club where the dances 
are held. The older men as well as those of younger 
years are invited, a popular cotillion leader being 
chosen. These dances give an opportunity to the 
future debutantes of making acquaintances before 
they are formally presented to society in the next 
season. 

It cannot be expected that parents or elders will be 
invited to all the dances, therefore the young girls 

[42] 



Cottlltonfit, Stmter TBanusl, tE^eatre $artto 

are nominally under the chaperonage of the women 
who organize the subscription cotillions, or who give 
the dinners, and the girls drive to the entertainments 
with their maids, who accompany them to the dress- 
ing-room and either await them there or return in 
the early hours of the morning to take them home. 

An essential for a successful subscription ball is 
that those who plan it shall have executive ability. 
A conunittee must arrange for hiring a ball-room, 
engaging musicians, ordering supper and selecting 
cotillion favors. 

An awning and a carpet are always at the street 
entrance on the occasion of all dances; men-servants 
are employed to attend to calling carriages; maids 
are in the ladies' dressing-room to care for wraps; 
servants attend to the checking of men's coats and 
hats. Cigars and cigarettes are provided in the men's 
coat-room. The committee of arrangements should 
have in mind the care of every detail. Good light- 
ing and well-chosen colors in a ball-room help to en- 
hance beauty and dress, and thereby add to the effect 
of the scene. Growing palms and flowering plants 
are used to advantage in decoration. The musicians 
are usually screened behind plants and shrubs. A 
sufficient number of guests to make the evening 
enjoyable, yet not have the rooms over-crowded, is 
another point, the number being proportioned to the 
size of the rooms. A "crush" is not desirable. 

The choice of a good leader for the cotillion is an 

[43] 



Wbt etiquette of Beto f^orft ^-bap 

important matter, and he is a yomig man of society 
who excels in his special art. 

The leader of the cotillion usually asks the daugh- 
ter of the hostess to be his partner if the dance is 
given for a debutante, asking her in advance of the 
occasion. If a ball is a subscription affair, he may 
ask one of the younger matrons, but the present 
fashion is to ask the daughter of a patroness. His 
word is absolute law during the cotillion and those 
who take part in it show their good breeding by a 
ready yielding to his authority. He indicates how 
many couples shall be up at a time. When he wishes 
the dancing to cease he claps his hands or blows a 
whistle. The first figure in the cotillion is usually a 
"grand chain," this giving the pleasure to guests of 
meeting friends and exchanging greetings. 

About ten couples lead off for each figure, the pro- 
portion being Umited to the size of the cotillion and 
the size of the ball-room. The couples dance for a 
few moments, then separate and each chooses a new 
partner for the figure to be formed, or, if it is a favor 
figure, presents a favor. After dancing, a man 
leads a lady to her seat and remains with her until 
her own partner returns. Then he returns to the 
seat next to his own partner. 

A buffet supper is a convenient fashion which may 
be followed. The large table has an abundant sup- 
ply of plates, forks, spoons and large linen napkins. 
The men bring refreshments to the women and at- 

[44] 



CotCDfotuE, Btntier Banteii, lE^eatre Ij^ttin 

tend to themselves. Servants attend to the details 
of serving. Creamed oysters, salads, croquettes, 
game, cold salmon, ices, cakes, bonbons, champagne, 
etc., are served. 

" Dinner dances " are a feature of the winter sea- 
son. They may be subscription affairs with pat- 
ronesses. The patronesses invite their guests and 
frequently have more men than girls at the tables, a 
superfluity of men being essential at a dance. The 
dinners take place at some fashionable restaurant 
where there are private apartments for such affairs. 
Private ball-rooms, supper-rooms, etc., are engaged. 
Dinner is served at eight o'clock, each hostess having 
her special table. A cotillion follows at about eleven 
o'clock. Sometimes a supper follows the cotillion. 

When a private residence is spacious enough to 
admit of having a laige dance it is preferable to en- 
tertain under one's own roof. A cotillion of about 
fifty couples is then given. 

A host does not stand with the hostess. He may 
be in another room to welcome guests after they 
have been greeted by the hostess. At an evening 
party a hostess who has a very spacious house with 
a broad staircase, opening on large drawing-rooms 
on the second floor, may receive standing at the head 
of the staircase, according to the English custom, but 
in a small house this would be an affectation. 

Young men who are well bred endeavor to make 
themselves useful and agreeable to their hostess at a 

[46], 



{Pie CtJQttette (A Jteto f^ovk Qfo-bap 

dance by being attentive to her guests — ^asking to be 
introduced to young girls who may be without part- 
ners, or seeing that a lady is not unattended at supper. 

A man must ask the daughters of the hostess to 
dance and show them eveiy courtesy. He may send 
a bouquet or any cut flowers to a daughter of the 
hostess. If a man has engaged a partner for the 
cotillion in advance he usually sends a bunch of 
violets to her which she may wear, but this is not 
obligatory. He must be punctilious about being at 
the dance in time to claim her fulfilment of the en- 
gagement. The girls are given numbers reserving 
seats for the cotillion, these numbers being obtained 
from the reception committee at a subscription 
dance, and corresponding to nimibers on two seats 
which are tied together. 

A courteous acknowledgment of one's indebted- 
ness to a hostess at the close of an evening is abso- 
lutely essential. 

The word " cotillion " is now used to indicate the 
dance formerly called the "German," the latter 
term being obsolete. 

A girl who dances well, who has a good fund of 
small talk, who is pleasing in manner, ready to be 
amused, not self-conscious or nervous, and who does 
not show a desire to monopolize a man's attention, 
has much chance for popularity and pleasure at a 
dance. 

What is termed ^'sitting out" is not good form, 

[46] 



CottUtottf* Biimet Baneetf» Wbtstxt Ij^axtkt 

this is for a couple to disappear from the ball-room 
and monopolize each other by a prolonged talk apart 
from others. 

Grood form in dancing requires that there shall be 
no conspicuous mannerisms. A man must avoid 
awkward tricks of holding his left arm sharply bent. 
He must learn to hold his partner properly. His 
hand is never placed at the waist, but is placed below 
the shoulder blades. A girl's left hand rests lightly 
on her partner's arm, her head is erect, her right arm 
is held out nearly straight, the hand turned down 
and held lightly under the left hand of her partner. 
A girl may suggest stopping dancing at any moment. 
If she has enjoyed a dance she may say so naturally, 
but she does not thank a man for dancing with her, 
the favor being supposed to be on her side. A popu- 
lar girl often divides a dance between several men, 
as many men ask only for a *^tum." If a girl finds 
it difficult to dance with a certain partner she may 
suggest stopping and talking. 

Formal, set phrases are not natural in a ball-room 
or elsewhere. A man usually says, ** Are you engaged 
for the cotillion, or may I hay<e the pleasure of danc- 
ing it with you?" 

Going to "'the play," as it is termed, is an amuse- 
ment of fashion. Theatre parties are often very 
large affairs followed by a dance and supper. High- 
necked dresses are worn, the transparent yokes ren- 
dering these gowns very becoming. If going to the 

[47] 



play and an informal supper later at a restaurant of 
fashion, high-necked dresses and hats are the rule. 
Opera wraps of light color are used. The theatre 
has a gay appearance in these days with row after 
row of pretty women in light-colored attire and hair 
artisticaUy arranged with pretty ornaments. 

Theatre parties are arranged by a chaperon, who 
invites the guests and sometimes gives a little dinner 
at her home before the play. 

Large parties are best managed by asking friends 
to assemble at the house of the giver shortly before 
the hour for the play. 

The tickets are not distributed among the guests, 
but are given in charge of one person in the party, 
some man in the family preferably. When the 
guests assemble the hostess tells each young man 
whom he is to escort and introduces him to the young 
lady then if he does not know her. It is the fashion 
to charter large automobiles or stages to cany the 
party to and from the play. A supper served at the 
home of the hostess after the play makes a pleasant 
finish to the evening. 

Theatre clubs for married people may be organized 
to which each member subscribes. One of the club 
acts as treasurer and engages the seats, and certain 
members take turns in giving a supper at home 
after the play. The club meets once a week or 
once in two weeks. The theatre tickets may be 
mailed to members and all meet in theatre seats. 

[48] 



€otHlionsi, jBttmer Bantetf, tEHittattt ^attietf 

It is in best taste to arrive at a theatre before the 
play b^ns. If a late arrival is unavoidable, people 
should take their seats quietly with as Uttle talking, 
laughing and confusion as possible, and avoid dis- 
turbing others who are seated. 

With the exception of a bunch of violets flowers 
are not worn at a theatre. The vigorous flourishing 
of fans is to be avoided, and eating bonbons is not 
good form. 

It is the custom for women to remove their hats 
when in seats in a theatre. When in a box their hats 
are not removed. The reason for removing a hat is 
that it obstructs the view of those in the rear seats. 
In a box the seats are not crowded, nor is the view 
obstructed. 



I w ] 



CHAPTER VI 

FAVORS FOR COTILUONS 

THE present fashion is for the leader of the 
cotillion and his partner to distribute the 
favors to the couples whose turn it is to 
dance. The favors are placed in wicker trays, 
suspended by ribbons over the shoulders and thus 
carried about, the leader ofiFering them to the girls, 
his partner taking them to the men. The fashion 
is obsolete of giving out favors from a table from 
which the guests receive them from the hostess. 

Effective favors are long, gilded flower-staffs of 
artificial flowers, daisies, buttercups, poppies and 
wheat; hats of straw, gauze or chiffon, ornamented 
with flowers and having ribbon streamers; wreaths 
of roses to cany on the arm; shaded scarfs of chiffon; 
gay little parasols of chiffon and flowers; muffs of 
tulle trimmed with flowers; brocaded bags for opera 
glasses; Japanese gauze fire-screen fans, the handle 
tied with ribb(m loops to hang on the arm; gauze 
butterfly shoulder-knots spangled with gold. The 
hats described are sometimes worn for a few mo- 
ments during the dance or may be slung over the 
arm. 

[60] 



^abotK tor CotCdtoiK 



9 

Brocaded pin-cushions» work-bags, book-covers, 
and portfolios are popular as favors, also jewelled 
hat pins, fancy chains, enamelled frames, dainty silk 
fans, satin sachets, and scrap baskets decorated with 
bunches of artificial flowers. Horns of plenty made 
of pink crepe paper ornamented with gold tinsel have 
the opening filled with artificial fruit, purple grapes, 
blackberries, and strawberry blossoms. A loop of 
ribbon extends from one end to the other of this 
novel cornucopia. 

Among the favors at a recent ball were large pink 
snowballs that fell open and revealed scarfs of pink 
chiffon trinmied with swansdown; there were also 
Louis XYI. baskets in gilt filled with natural pink 
flowers for the girls and boutonni^res to match for 
the men. Other favors were silver vases and 
pencils, silk work-bags and fans. For the men there 
were silver penholders, knives, ash-trays, pipes, cigar- 
cutters, key-chains and boxes of cigarettes marked 
with the date in gold letters. In a novel figure a 
huge swan floated in so arranged that by the move- 
ments of its wings showers of pink rose leaves were 
sent floating through the room. 

Effective and amusing ways of bringing the favors 
into a ball-room are often desired. Sometimes the 
favors are placed in a lai^ wheelbarrow gayly deco- 
rated with gilt and ribbon and wheeled into the 
room. A sedan chair is sometimes fiUed with the 
bouquets which are to be distributed in the cotillion 

[511 



Wiit etiquette of ^to |9orit tSb-bap 

and carried in. A pretty method is to have a huge 
Japanese umbrella suspended by the handle from 
the ceiling, fiDed with faVors and arranged by 
pulleys to let down when needed. 

Novel and picturesque figures were introduced at 
a recent cotillion. In one the girls carried Japanese 
lanterns of different colors, the lights in the ball-room 
being lowered. The men carried Japanese um- 
brellas over their heads. In another figure individual 
electric lights were carried. In a shepherdess figure 
each girl knelt on one knee, holding a shepherd- 
ess crook and the men filed in and out through 
the open ranks, carrying favors of bells on colored 
ribbons. 

A popular figure is known as the '* Noisy" figure. 
The favors are toy drums, trumpets, whistles, horns 
and rattles, the men and girls amusing themselves 
by making as much noise as possible with these toys. 

Color, picturesqueness and smartness are requi- 
sites in cotillion favors. Sporting favors are popu- 
lar, tennis racquets, polo sticks, golf clubs, whips, 
bugles and crops tied with bright ribbons. 

Flower-wreathed hoops of tinsel, baskets of arti- 
ficial carnations, roses or chrysanthemums are deco- 
rative in quality. Little fiags are effective. 

Simple and inexpensive favors may easily be 
made. These may be caps of tissue paper, rosettes, 
wreaths of artificial flowers, blotters, shaving-pads, 
pen-wipers and pocket pin-cushions. 

[68] 



S^iomsi (or CotOltottf 



Many of the favors, the large wands, hats, wreaths, 
etc., are not taken home by the guests at cotillions, 
and are collected afterwards by servants and sent 
by the hostess the following day to the children in 
hospitals. 



I S8 ] 



CHAPTER VII 

FANCY-DRESS PARTIES AND OTHER 
ENTERTAINMENTS 

AN original fancy-dress party given in New 
/\ York may serve as a suggestion for a novel 
^ ^ entertainment. It was a bai de Ule or 
head-dress ball, the guests being requested not to 
wear masks or disguises but to adopt fancy head- 
dressing only. Although many went in full fancy 
costume, a number merely added a fanciful head- 
dressing and neck ornamentation to their evening 
dresSy and this simplified matters generally, besides 
adding greatly to the amusement of the occasion, 
some of the young men, for instance, making up 
their heads as women, while a few of the girls adopted 
the wigs, curls and lace collars of courtiers of past 
centuries. Old volumes had been ransacked for ideas, 
so that coiffures should be historically correct. Ideas 
from the sixteenth, seventeenth and eighteenth 
centuries were chiefly chosen, although there were 
representations of earlier periods. Among the char- 
acters were Joan of Arc, Henry Vlll., Queen Eliza- 
beth, Sir Walter Raleigh, Mary Queen of Scots, 
Charles 11. and Marie Antoinette. Some of the men 

[54] 



:f ancp-SretfiB( l^vtiti 



wore large white ruffs, pointed beards and lai^e 
hats, making up after paintings by Van Dyek, Rem- 
brandt and Franz Hals. The famous picture of the 
Duchess of Devonshire, by Gainsborough, had sev- 
eral copyists among the girls, while others repre- 
sented old paintings by Sir Joshua Reynolds. There 
were, besides, Dresden shepherdesses, French mar- 
quises, Dutch and Roman peasants. Prizes were 
awarded by the hostess to the most artistic and suc- 
cessful costumes, the characters being summoned to 
be judged by two guests appointed for that purpose 
who cleverly and wittily performed their duties. To 
Brunhildey the heroine of Wagner's opera, Siegfried^ 
with her winged helmet, long fair hair, coat of mail 
and flowing robes; to a Turkish girl, in effective and 
correct national attire, and to a sultan, in turban and 
handsome costume, were awarded prizes. 

An idea for a charming fancy-dress party may be 
gained from a fite des fleurs^ or floral festival, given 
in Paris. Each lady represented a flower, and the 
men all appeared in colored coats. The hostess 
herself was dressed as a poppy. Red gauze painted 
with green foliage and having poppies appliqueed 
as garlands trimmed the skirt and bodice, while a 
large poppy rested on her hair. One of the guests 
represented a jasmine, her gown being of pastel- 
green tulle, with garlands of the flowers. Another 
was a white rose, her tulle dress being trinuned with 
rose leaves and clusters of white roses ornamenting 

[55]J 



Wbt CttQitette of JtetD |9orit 3^-bap 

the bodice and skirt. Another was a yellow orchid. 
CHher flowers represented were a red carnation, a 
forget-me-not, lily, four-leaved clover, pansy, mag- 
nolia, hydrangea and violet. 

A guest who appeared as a La France rose wore 
a tunic of rose satin over a skirt of green velvet 
trimmed with bunches of roses, rosebuds and foliage. 
Another eflFective dress was a red-and-yellow tulip, 
the skirt being arranged in scallops of the two colors 
and worn with a green silk bodice. A yellow anem- 
one was depicted by a yellow satin gown vdled 
with mousseline de soie; garlands of the flowers 
were on the skirt, and a bodice of green silk em- 
broidered in foliage defined the waist and held the 
petals of the flower. A violet was portrayed by 
white tuUe over mauve satin, caught up by straps of 
violet and foliage. The border of the skirt was 
daintily fringed with violets and leaves. Many of 
the women wore powdered hair, and in the hair was 
worn a large flower or a wreath of the flower repre- 
sented by the costume. 

October is the month for a bam party. This may 
take the form of a harvest festival similar to one 
given in Newport by a well-known hostess. The 
gateway at the entrance of the place was decorated 
with an arch of Chinese lanterns. On the gateposts 
were huge pumpkins made in «jack-o'-lantems." 
At intervals from the gateway to the house were lights 
of the same sort, and Chinese lanterns were hung in 

[56] 



S^mV'H^nsifi Sj^mtksi 



trees and shrubbery. The lawn was arranged to 
represent a field of harvested grain put up in sheaves 
all over the field. The scheme of decorations in 
the house consisted of sheaves of com and wheat 
tied with red ribbons. A bower of greens and wheat 
with swamp " cat-tails " was at the entrance. About 
the waUs was a deep wainscoting made of wheat 
with clusters of sunflowers and garlands of green. 
Over this hung panels of gardening implements, 
fruits and v^etables. 

A veranda was arranged to imitate a country 
grape arbor with vines and fruit. A supper table 
and long wooden benches were placed for a certain 
number of the guests who took part later in a " peas- 
ants' dance.'* The centrepiece on the table was 
of fruit and vegetables. Squash and pumpkin vines 
were laid over a table-cloth of coarse sacking. Other 
supper tables had decorations symbolic of the har- 
vest season — sheaves of wheat tied with ribbons, 
baskets of vegetables and miniature hay-stacks. 

Before the cotillion there was a peasants' quadrille, 
the girls wearing French peasant costumes and each 
carrying a basket of v^etables on her left arm, the 
men wearing peasant dress and Panama hats with 
colored ribbons. Favors in the cotillion were small 
rakes, scythes, watering-pots and other implements 
tied with ribbons. Other favors were beer steins, 
sunflowers and toy animals. The musicians were 
behind a screen of wheat and autumn foliage. 

[67] 



Wlit etiquette of ^Iti f^otk Qfo-bap 



When planning a "Colonial*' party it is under- 
stood that the girls shall wear old-fashioned dress 
and powdered hair. Very pretty gowns may be 
tastefully arranged from flowered organdies or cre- 
tonnes; or a modem evening gown may be trans- 
formed into an old style by the addition of a muslin 
and lace fichu crossed over the shoulders. The hair 
is dressed high and powdered white, with a pink rose 
or an ostrich tip placed in it. Strings of pearls about 
the throat or a band of black velvet fastened with a 
quaint brooch are becoming. With powdered hair it 
is necessaiy to have a touch of color on the cheeks 
and tiny patches of black court-plaster. An old- 
fashioned minuet is an appropriate dance for the 
occasion. This would require considerable practice 
and rehearsing before the party. 

The members of a girls' dub may enjoy an evening 
if those who are able to sing, play or recite are asked 
to contribute to the amusement. Charades or a very 
simple play may be acted. A bright girl may com- 
pose and read verses containing pleasant and appro- 
priate personal allusions and thus create a great deal 
of merriment. The hostess presents to each guest 
a musical toy, a fiddle, banjo, trumpet or drum as 
an amusing souvenir, and the poetess of the evening 
or each one who has taken part in the charades 
or play is crowned with a wreath of artificial 
roses. 

Progressive games are always enjoyable, checkers, 

[68] 



:f ancp"jSre<iB! H^ttiti 



lotto, dominoes, halma, euchre, etc., at different 
tables. 

A progressive euchre party is easily arranged. 
Cards are distributed among the guests with a half 
quotation written on each card. The young man 
and the girl whose cards make a complete quotation 
are partners. There are small tables, according to 
the number of guests, four at each table. The head 
table regulates the time for all; therefore there is a 
bell on it which is rung when the game is over at 
that table. On each table there are little dishes con- 
taining pink and blue wafers for players to paste on 
their score cards to show the number of games they 
win or lose. The games stop when the bell rings, 
and the two players who have the best score move up 
to the next table, the others remaining seated. The 
hostess stops the game after a certain time and awards 
the prizes. Pretty silver articles, photograph-frames, 
satin bags filled with bonbons are appropriate. The 
"consolation" prize should be something funny, 
such as a grotesque doll or a toy. 

Much amusement may be had by arranging a pro- 
gressive dinner of twelve persons. There may be 
two tables with six at each table, or one large table 
for all. The dinner-cards are at the places when 
guests take their seats, but there must be additional 
cards with fanciful names or plain numbers on them 
at each man's place. After each course a silk bag is 
passed contaming cards with numbers or names to 

[S9 3 



Wiit etiquette of ^etn fSotk tlfo^bap 

correspond with cards at places, and each man draws 
a card from the bag. Then, at a given signal from 
the hostess, the men rise and change places, going 
to where they find cards to correspond with those 
drawn. The duplicate cards are then returned to 
the bag, shaken up, and the same proceeding follows 
the next course. Names from history, poetry, the 
drama or fiction may be used, and if the men are 
clever enough to assume the characters for the time 
being and converse wittily, this adds zest to the oc- 
casion. The hostess may give variety to the enter- 
tainment by having a coDection of diflFerent names 
to be drawn each time and having only numbers at 
the places to match the cards drawn with names and 
numbers. The women may also draw from bags 
and change places according to the suggestions given. 
Musical whist with living cards is a picturesque 
feature for a fair or bazaar. It is played as follows: 
Four players are seated upon raised seats; a large 
square green carpet on the floor or on a platform or 
stage, forms the card table. The cards are repre- 
sented by persons in appropriate costumes, and the 
gowns for the court cards may be very original. The 
dubs wear white, the emblems being in black velvet. 
Crowns of silver and jet are worn. Hearts wear green 
and white and the emblems are red. Spades are in 
pink with black velvet emblems; diamonds in yellow 
with red. The smaller cards are represented by 
children in gowns of white, and mobcaps, the cards 

I 60 J 



:f antp-SteiSis $attte< 



being indicated in large characters on the front of 
their dresses; or they carry a large card, two feet in 
length, and himg over the shoulders, hanging in 
shield fashion in front, on which are spots of the card, 
and a card hangs at the back also and displays the 
ordinary kind of a card back. The cards enter to 
the music of a march and are preceded by two pages 
dressed in white satin suits, caps with ostrich tips, 
and carrying wands of silver. ShuflSing, cutting and 
dealing are shown by a dance, the participants then 
arranging themselves in front of their respective 
players. Each player indicates in turn the card to 
advance to the centre, with musical accompaniment. 
The winning card of each trick leads the others to 
one comer of the square where they form in file, 
closing up when six tricks are made on either side. 
At the end of the game the tricks of the winning side 
lead off those of the losing side. 

A Mother Goose party for children may be a 
pretty as well as an amusing affair. A pretty dance 
can be arranged with children in " Bo-Peep " cos- 
tumes. Another dance may represent the verse be- 
ginning, "Mistress Mary, quite contrary,*' with the 
children in flower dresses, not forgetting the " silver 
bells" and "cockle shells." The dances should be 
rehearsed carefully. "The little old woman who 
lived in a shoe" may distribute dolls or little gifts 
to the children. At the refreshment table "Little 
Miss Muffet" can serve "curds and whey" or some- 

[61] 



die Ctiqnette of ^io ^mk tEthhajf 

thing so called. "Simple Simon" and "The Pie- 
man" can serve tarts, cakes, etc. Originality and 
executive ability are essential to the hostess who 
would plan and cany out a party of this sort suc- 
cessfully. " Mother Groose " herself, must, of course, 
be the hostess. 

On the occasion of a housewarming it is usual to 
have the entire house thrown open for the inspec- 
tion of gu^, who amuse themselves wandering 
about upstairs and down, informally. 

At the booths or tables at a fair the women and 
young girls who take charge often wear fancy cos- 
tumes, each table representing the dress of a certain 
nationality. At a recent fete given at a large country 
house, for the benefit of a hospital, all the women in 
chaige of tables wore the uniform of trained nurses. 



Teal 



CHAPTER VIII 

THE TABLE AND ITS APPOINTMENTS 

NOTHING adds more to the success and 
cheerfulness of a dinner than an artisti- 
cally arranged table where harmony of 
color has been studied and a pleasing effect is pro- 
duced to the eye when entering the room. 

The best rule to follow in table decoration is to 
aim at simplicity, not to overload a table with orna- 
mentation of any sort and to avoid a sense of con- 
fusion. 

Table linen must be white, spotless and of finest 
damask, glass sparkling, silver and cutlery well 
' polished. In laying the table the thick interlining 
should be spread and the table-cloth laid over it with 
extreme care, the cloth having been perfectly ironed 
and folded so that the lines will divide the table 
exactly at right angles. This serves as a guide in 
placing a centrepiece and arranging covers sym- 
metrically. Table-cloths exquisite in design or en- 
riched with lace are used at formal dinners or lunch- 
eons. The word "cover" signifies the place laid at 
table for each person. At each place is a plate with 
a plainly folded napkin and a roll laid on the napkin 

[63] 



Wbt etiquette of ^eto fSmrfc tCo-bap 

or within it, but placed so that it may be seen. The 
small silver, cutlery and glasses are placed according 
to the number of courses and wines to be served. 
As a general rule three forks are at the left, and at the 
right are one or two steel-bladed knives and a silver 
knife, if there is to be a fish course. A tablespoon 
to be used for soup is at the right of the knives, and 
an oyster fork, if oysters on the shell are to be served; 
an orange spoon, if grapefruit is to be served. 
The silver and knives must be very evenly arranged, 
forks and spoons right side up, the blades of the 
knives turned towards the plates. Glasses are 
grouped uniformly at the right, slightly towards the 
tips of the knives. The covers at the head and foot 
of the table and those at the sides should be directly 
opposite to each other. 

Round tables are the preferred fashion and when 
giving a dinner a round table-top may be hired for 
the occasion. 

The choice of flowers for the centre of the table 
is limited only by what may be one's resources. 
Flowers or leaves that are seasonable are always in 
good taste. Roses, hyacinths, jonquils, daffodils, 
white lilacs, tuHps, chrysanthemums, carnations or 
lilies-of-the-valley are beautiful. 

For a; large dinner a central mound of flowers is 
ordered from a florist. Flowers with a heavy fra- 
grance should be avoided. A very satisfactory cen- 
trepiece for every day is a jardiniere of growing ferns. 

[64] 



tS^t tKahlt anb Stis Sltipotntmetttfi; 

If no flowers or ferns can be obtained, an ornamental 
piece of silver may do service as a centrepiece, or 
fruit may be on a silver dish. Bunches of grapes on 
a dish with green leaves are rich in color. 

Fancy pieces from a confectioner's are not used, 
nor are ribbons or other artificial decorations in 
good taste. 

In summer very charming and simple decorations 
for the table may be easily managed. Ferns, wild- 
flowers and feathery grasses may be had in profusion 
and there is no excuse if a table is not gay with them 
or with garden flowers as a centrepiece. The deli- 
cate blossoms of the wild white carrot are exquisite 
in grace and very effective when grouped with scarlet 
geraniums or ferns. A bowl or pitcher of silver 
or a plain low bowl of glass or china, without deco- 
ration, will make a good flower-holder. A per- 
fectly plain glass pitcher of good proportions, or a 
high plain vase makes a good setting for branches 
of apple blossoms. 

There may be two compotiers or dishes holding 
fruit. Other appointments may be small dishes, 
placed synmietrically and containing bonbons and 
little cakes. Salt-cellars with salt spoons and pepper- 
pots of silver stand side by side at the four comers of 
the table, or within easy reach of every two persons. 

On the serving table should be placed the plates 
for salad and dessert, extra silver, finger-bowls rest- 
ing on dainty plates having a fine doily between the 

[66], 



finger-bowl and plate, a carafe of iced water, a plate 
of rolls or bread; all should be in readiness so that 
no delays may occur. The after-dinner coffee ser- 
vice is retained in the pantry until required. 

The small silver for dessert is never placed on the 
table when it is being laid for dinner, but is brought 
with the dessert plates or placed just before serving 
dessert. A dessert spoon and a dessert fork are 
brought. 

All extra silver, salt-cellars and pepper-pots are 
removed on a silver tray before the dessert is served. 
Pieces of bread or rolls are removed on a plate with 
a fork and crumbs are removed by being brushed 
with a folded napkin into a fresh plate. The dessert 
plates are replaced after the dessert course with those 
on which are the finger-bowls. A tiny doily is 
under each finger-bowl. The finger-bowls are less 
than half filled with water. A small leaf of the 
fragrant rose geranium or a sprig of lemon verbena, 
or a few violets may be in each. 

Finger-bowls of very choice glass have glass plates 
to match. The way to arrange them is to place the 
glass plate on a dessert plate, a tiny doily on the 
glass plate and on this rests the finger-bowl. One 
is expected to remove the finger-bowl and doily to 
the left and to take one's dessert on the glass plate. 
After dessert the servant removes the glass plate. 
Fruit and bonbons are then passed and are taken on 
the dessert plate. 

[66] 



Witt IKahlt anb 9t< ^SippointmtxAi 

An important consideration is the lighting of the 
table. The side-lights or lights from a chandeUer 
overhead should not be brilliant, and the more be- 
coming lights will be from shaded single candlesticks 
placed at r^ular intervals about the table, or glass 
lamps which may be fitted into silver candlesticks, 
and shaded. A broad, shaded drop light from the 
chandeUer b sometimes used and throws an addi- 
tional and a softened light. But the preferred 
fashion is to light a table with shaded candles, and 
to light the room with softened electric side-lights 
from the walls. In many dining-rooms the old- 
fashioned chandeliers are no longer in existence. 

Old-fashioned silver candlesticks or candelabra 
are treasures to be used. Good effects in color may 
be had by the use of candleshades, the choice being 
governed by the scheme of color determined on for 
the occasion; pink shades should be used when pink 
flowers are chosen; red when decorations are of 
holly, fruit or scariet poinsettias; white when the 
centrepiece is of ferns or of white flowers. 

Silver-plated, open-work shades placed over col- 
ored silk are favorites. The candlesticks are not 
near the centre, but stand near the comers or sides. 
Four or six are used, according to the size of the table. 
They are placed so that they may not obstruct the 
view across the table. 

Glass with gold ornamentation is a new fashion in 
appointments for the table. Beautiful effects are 

[67] 



Wbt CtiQuette of ^io fSmk (B:o-bap 

with a low centrepiece with flowers, and four tall 
vases with flowers near the comers of the table for 
a luncheon. Low decorations for the centre and 
high effects towards the sides or comers are the 
fashion. Cut-glass baskets and vases for flowers 
are used. 

Other new fashions are beautiful ornaments of 
tall silver baskets for fruit, flowers, or bonbons, tall 
silver compotiers and hors-d^ceuvre dishes. 

Casters are never used. They are relegated to 
obHvion. S^ c^ for dl Jd ™^„., b. 
passed at home, but never at a dinner. Colored 
cloths or colored doilies are never used. Other 
things not allowable are individual butter plates, or 
salt holders, spoon holders, or a brush for crumbs. 

On the sideboard in a dining-room is usually kept 
during the day the large silver which is in daily use, 
namely, tea set, coffee-pot, fruit dish, compotiers, 
etc., and any ornamental pieces of silver suited to a 
dining-room — candlesticks, trays, etc. 

It is not correct to have the table set between 
meals. It is customary to have everything removed, 
the table-cloth folded and put away. On the table 
may be a handsome cover, or a linen centrepiece, 
and a jardiniere of ferns. 

The refinements of life demand that the appoint- 
ments of the table should be as carefully regarded 
every day as if guests were expected. There may be 
less decoration of the table for the family meal, and 

[68] 



Wbt (Cable anb 3tsi iaijppomtmentis 

fewer courses, than when we entertain, but it is essen- 
tial that all the details should be attended to with 
precision. The art of living is now practised so 
steadfastly that there is no excuse for a young house- 
keeper who does not keep herself informed of all the 
minor matters which help to make home attractive. 
If these things are attended to as a matter of habit, 
there will not be any agitation if one's husband 
brings a friend home to dinner. A little ceremony 
at dinner is correct. Evening is the time of relax- 
ation after the day's labor, and there should be a 
feeling of leisurely enjoyment and rest, and an effort, 
too, when the family assembles, to make the hour 
pleasant with cheerful, agreeable talk. This is the 
ethical side of the subject. 



[69] 



CHAPTER IX 

CUSTOMS AT THE TABLE 

A QUAINT book of etiquette tells that at the 
courts of Francis I. and Henri II. of France, 
- manners at the table were shockingly rude 
and unrefined, and that Louis XIV., 'Hhe glass of 
regal fashion,'* thrust his hand into the platter "like 
a trooper feeding in camp." The fork was unknown 
at table in mediseval France, and later it was admired 
as a work of art rather than made for the uses of 
the table. In the early seventeenth century, at the 
tables of the rich, every guest had his glass, but the 
glasses were not placed on the table as with us but 
ranged on a sideboard, and called for when needed. 
It was not until the middle of the eighteenth century 
that the glass found its place at the guest's right 
hand, and at that date it had become a niark of ill- 
breeding to empty it at the first draught ! 

Queen Elizabeth actually possessed a knife. 
Costly table-cloths and splendid plate were used in 
her time, and after a meal guests rinsed their hands 
with rose-water. 

The refinements of the table were not practised by 
Dr. Johnson, who, we are told, **ate strenuously and 

[70] 



CusStamsi at tfie Cable 



with avidity." We remember George Eliot's sar- 
casm in mentioning some one's aversion to Mr. Cas- 
aubon, in Middlemarchy because he made a noise 
when eating soup. 

There is no place where a person's good breeding 
and early training are more clearly shown than at 
the table. Peculiarities of manner which might 
elsewhere pass without criticism are not there allow- 
able. Conduct must be marked by serenity, and 
there must be no uncertainty of manner, but an easy 
knowledge of the use of all the belongings of the 
table. 

When taking one's seat at table one takes up the 
napkin, takes the roU or bread from within it and 
places it at the left hand, on the table, and lays the 
napkin partly unfolded across the lap. 

Oysters on the shell must be eaten whole, not cut 
in half. If grapefruit is served an orange spoon 
would be on the right. 

The tablespoon is used for soup. Soup should be 
taken from the side of the spoon. Sipping one's soup 
with a hissing noise is unpardonable, and tilting the 
soup plate to secure the last spoonful is bad form. 

Neither soup nor fish is ever oflFered twice. 

The silver fish knife and fork are now in general 
use, the knife being necessary in separating the bones 
from the fish. A story is told of how the fish knife 
came into fashion. A well-known diner-out in 
London discarded the customary crust of bread, 

[71] 



took up two forks and proceeded to use them in the 
fish course. His example was followed by others, 
and the result was that the convenient fish knife and 
fork were soon invented. 

The fork farthest from the plate is to be used as 
each course is served. 

A small portion of meat is cut as required, the 
knife being retained in the right hand, the fork in 
the left, the fork held with the prongs turned down, 
the handle of the fork resting in the palm of the hand 
while cutting food or conveying it to the mouth. 

All vegetables, peas, tomatoes, etc., are eaten 
with a fork. 

When eating v^etables the knife is laid on the 
plate, the blade resting near the centre. The knife 
must not be placed across the edge of the plate, nor 
with the handle resting on the table. The* fork is 
then taken in the right hand, the prongs turned up, 
the handle of the fork resting easily on the hand be- 
tween the first finger and the thumb. If need be, 
a crust of bread may be used with the left hand to 
press a morsel of food towards the fork. When cut- 
ting meat the finger must never rest on the blade of 
the knife but on the handle. 

Odd methods of holding the fork should be 
avoided. The fork is raised laterally to the mouth. 
It is awkward to crook or project the elbow or to 
point the fork towards the mouth. Very little food 
at a time should be taken on the fork. When one 

[72] 



CufStatva at tl^e tEahlt 



has finished eating, the knife and fork are placed 
close together in the centre of the plate, the prongs of 
the fork turned up. 

When drinking water or wine one takes a sip at a 
time, not a glassful. If one prefers not to take wine, 
one may say, "Thanks," or, "No," very quietly to 
the servant who oflFers to pour it. 

Some entrees, such as cutlets or soft shell crabs, 
require the aid of a knife for cutting, but for patties, 
timbales, sweetbreads or croquettes a fork only is 
used. 

Asparagus may be taken up in the fingers by the 
stalks, but the later custom is to cut oflF the points 
with knife and fork. Lettuce should be cut with a 
fork, the portion of the leaf rolled up and thus eaten. 
Soft cheeses should be eaten with a fork, or a morsel 
may be put on a piece of bread with a knife and thus 
conveyed to the mouth with the fingers. It is allow- 
able to take iip a morsel of cheese in the fingers, but 
it is best to use a fork. 

Small birds, such as quail and squab, are served 
whole, one for each person, and one cuts the meat 
from the breast and eats each piece at the time of 
cutting it. 

Whenever possible a fork should be used for 
dessert in preference to a spoon. The dessert spoon 
is for berries, peaches and cream, preserves, custards, 
jellies, etc. 

The fork is used for so many things that a witty 

[TS] 



lEbt etiquette tit i^etai ^txtk t!fO'bap 

person once remarked that he took "everything with 
it except afternoon tea." 

With the dessert plate is brought the small silver 
to be used for dessert. One removes the silver, 
laying it down at the right and left. After the des- 
sert, the fruit plate is brought. A finger-bowl rests 
on the plate, and one removes the finger-bowl and 
the tiny doily which is beneath it, placing them at 
the left on the table. 

Roman punch is eaten with a spoon. 

An olive is taken up in the fingers to be eaten with 
a few bites without taking the stone in the mouth. 

Pears, apples or peaches should be peeled with a 
silver knife, cut in quarters and the pieces taken up 
in the fingers. Fruit which is very juicy had best 
be eaten with a fork. After peeling a banana it is 
best to cut the fruit in pieces and eat them with a 
fork. Oranges are cut in halves and the juice taken 
with an orange spoon. 

Watermelon is served as a separate course at des- 
sert and is eaten with a fork. 

When grapes are eaten the seeds and skins must 
be removed quietly with the fingers. 

Cherry stones may be disposed of quietly behind the 
half-closed hand by allowing them to fall into the fin- 
gers. This applies to fresh cherries. Preserved cher- 
ries are eaten with a dessert spoon, and the stones 
must be unobtrusively removed from one's mouth into 
the spoon and placed at the side of the plate. 

[74] 



Cusstomsi at tttt Cable 



Plums are taken in the fingers of the right hand 
and a few bites of the fruit are taken without taking 
the stone in the mouth. 

If cake is served at dessert one takes it on the plate 
with the dessert, breaks off a small piece and takes it 
up in the fingers to eat. 

Before leaving the table one dips the tips of the 
fingers hghtly in the finger-bowl, and dries them on 
the napkin, and may touch the moist finger-^tips to 
the lips, and touch a comer of the napkin to the lips. 

When rising from the table one leaves the napkin 
unfolded at the left of one's plate. In every-day 
home life it may not be the custom to have fresh 
napkins at each meal. In that case one may fold 
the napkin, but if dining out one never folds the 
napkin, as it is taken for granted that a napkm must 
be lamidered before being used again. H visiting 
at a friend's house and uncertain what to do it is best 
to watch the hostess and do as she does, but in most 
households it is usual to have fresh napkins at dinner 
every day. 

A hostess rises first and the others rise simultane- 
ously. A hostess does not use any set phrase at such 
a moment, but merely rises while making any ordi- 
nary remark. 

One should be seated from the side of the chair 
which is nearest when approaching, and may rise 
from either side, or from the side nearest to the exit 
from the dining-room, as it is awkward to rise and 

X 7S JJ 



Wbt etiquette of ^io |9orii Co-bap 

walk around one's chair. The chair should not be 
pushed back in place after one has risen from the 
table, that being the duty of a servant when re-ar- 
ranging the furniture. 

It is not polite to appear to be in haste to b^in 
eating, but it is allowable to begin when served. It 
is not polite to continue to eat after others have 
finished. 

Sauce, v^etables, etc., are taken on one's plate 
with the meat, not in separate saucers. 

CoflFee is sometimes served before the guests leave 
the table, but the better custom is to have it passed 
later in the drawing-room. In either case the small 
coffee-cups, sugar and cream are passed on the 
tray. A small coffee-spoon is laid on each saucer. 

At breakfast or luncheon a small bread and butter 
plate may be placed at the left of each place at the 
table. A slice of bread should never be spread with 
butter; one breaks off a small piece of the bread 
or roll, butters it and eats it. Butter is not used at 
dinner; neither is a bread plate used then. 

Bad habits at table are crumbling bread, or cut- 
ting it with a knife, or eating it between courses as 
though one were hungry. Unpardonable habits are 
leaving a teaspoon in a cup even for a moment, or 
sipping tea or coffee from a spoon. The spoon may 
be used to stir the tea a moment and is then placed 
on the saucer, and a sip of tea taken from the cup. 

Salt is never distributed on the food on one's plate. 

[76] 



Cnetams at tfie tSMit 



A little salt is taken from a salt-cellar with a salt- 
spoon and placed on one side of the plate and used 
as required on portions of food. 

The correct way to eat a boiled egg is to. place 
it in a small ^g-cup which holds the egg on end and 
eat the egg from the shell, cracking the large end 
with the spoon and taking off a piece of shell large 
enough to admit the egg-spoon. 

At luncheon bouillon is served in cups and is taken 
with a spoon; the spoon may be put down, and 
the cup raised to the lips for the last spoonfuls. 

When a plate is passed for a second serving the 
knife and fork are left on it placed close together. 

If it be necessary to leave a table, for instance, 
to take a train, to answer a telephone, or to keep 
an engagement, one should say, "May I be ex- 
cused?" 

At breakfast, informal luncheon or the informal 
Sunday evening supper a hostess pours coffee, tea 
or chocolate, having the silver service and cups and 
saucers before her on a silver tray. The servant 
takes each cup and saucer from the hostess and 
passes it on a small tray to each guest. 

It IS not correct to ring a bell to announce a meal. 
A servant should come to where the hostess is and 
say, "Luncheon is served.'* 



[77] 



CHAPTER X 

DINNER-GIVING 

IT is to be regretted that, too often, people of 
moderate means are afraid to give a dinner 
because of the costly entertainments provided 
by the very rich. True hospitahty is not in inviting 
guests to a lavish display of flowers, viands and wines, 
with the object of astonishing them by such profusion. 
Life will be robbed of much of its good cheer if we 
hesitate to bring people together because we can be 
neither magnificent nor wonder-making hosts. A 
well-cooked, well-served dinner where a few conge- 
nial friends are assembled, may be delightful. Short 
dinners are the modern fashion. If the guests are 
chosen and placed with the object of having them 
enjoy talking to one another, they wiU think more 
about the agreeable companionship than about the 
food. This may be an optimistic view of the matter 
and the story is recalled to mind of an old gentle- 
man, a well-known diner-out in London, who rebuked 
his fair neighbor at dinner for talking during a 
delectable course by remarking, "Excuse me, but 
do you know that they have the best entrees in Lon- 
don at this house?" and forthwith he proceeded to 
devote himself to the entree on his plate. 

[78] 



Bimter-4ltiitng 



The hostess who would learn the art of dinner- 
giving must cultivate repose of manner. Her plans 
must be carefully made in advance, her orders given, 
and then, from the moment her guests arrive, her 
eflFort must be to give her attention to them and to 
preside at her table with ease and grace. If delays 
occur or mistakes or accidents happen she must try 
to maintain a serene spirit and must, at least, be out- 
wardly calm. Her guests will not enjoy themselves 
if she betrays nervousness. 

Eight o'clock is the hour for a formal dinner; 
half after eight is sometimes chosen; seven or half 
after seven for an informal occasion. Dinner invi- 
tations are issued three weeks in advance at the 
height of the season. Two weeks or ten days may 
be sufficient for an informal occasion. Verbal in- 
vitations are sometimes given for a little dinner. 
Invitations by telephone are often given from inti- 
mate friends for informal or impromptu dinners, 
chiefly given in summer at Newport, or elsewhere. 
These are followed up by informal notes of reminder, 
stating the date and hour. 

Forms for correct invitations are given in the 
chapter on that subject. 

Before her guests arrive the hostess goes to the 
dining-room to see that the appointments of the 
table are perfect. She sees that the room is properly 
ventilated. The comfort and bright spirits of her 
guests depend on a well-aired dining-room, where 

[79] 



tCfie CttQuette of ^tn S^mrft tEo-bap 

there are no draughts and the temperature ranges 
from sixty-five to seventy degrees. The hostess 
places the dinner-cards. These are in good taste 
when plain white, rather larger and heavier than a 
visiting card, and with bevelled gilt edges. A crest 
or monogram in gold may be on the card. The 
name of the guest is written legibly on the card. 

The placing of guests at a latge dinner requires 
intimate knowledge of society. Only by constant 
association can one know who may be congenial. 
There may be variety, but there must be harmony. 
A well-known diner-out has said, "If you are as- 
signed to one to whom you are indifferent, your only 
hope lies in your next neighbor." Yet one cannot 
keep up a conversation with a neighbor to the ex- 
clusion of the person assigned by a hostess. 

The host and hostess should be in readiness to 
receive their guests at the hour named. Pimctuality 
is the rule for guests at a dinner. It is generally 
understood that dinner is to be served fifteen minutes 
after the arrival of the first guest. Tardiness on the 
part of a dinner guest is inexcusable, but one should 
never arrive before the time named. 

Many of the modem houses are the "American 
basement" style of architecture, with a large entrance 
hall on the first floor, and guests leave their wraps 
in charge of servants there and then ascend to the 
drawmg-room. 

At man-servant announces the names of guests 

[80] 



Bfnnet-^ftiins 



as they are about to enter the drawing-room. Al- 
though the servant announces "Mr. and Mrs. B.,'* 
they do not enter ann-in-arm, or side by side. The 
wife precedes the husband. 

When giving a formal dinner, it is the custom to 
have small envelopes for the men addressed with 
their names, and each envelope containing a card 
with the name of the lady who is to be taken in to 
dinner. These envelopes are on a tray offered to 
the men by a servant as they enter the house. These 
cards may be marked "Right" and "Left," indi- 
cating the side of table where places will be. This 
plan saves much trouble to a hostess. If a man 
does not know the lady whom he is to take, he should 
ask the hostess to introduce him. 

Dinner is announced by the servant coming to the 
drawing-room, looking at the hostess and saying in 
a low lone, "Dinner is served," or he may merely 
open the dining-room door, draw aside the por- 
tieres, advance a little distance and bow to the 
hostess. 

The host leads the way to the dining-room, offer- 
ing his right arm to the lady who is to be placed at 
his right. If there is no special guest of honor he 
takes the most distinguished or the eldest woman 
present or the wife of the most distinguished man, 
or a bride. The other guests follow and the hostess 
goes in last with the husband of the guest whom the 
host escorts, if the dinner is in honor of a married 

[81] 



Wht CHqttette of ^to |9orfc TSu^ta^ 

pair, otherwise she may be accompanied by the 
most distinguished man present, or a stranger whom 
she wishes to honor. The seat at her right is for 
the man who takes her in; the seat at her left is 
for the guest who is entitled to the next distinction; 
this rule being observed also for the lady who is to be 
at the left of the host. The hostess stands at her 
place for a moment while the guests are finding 
their places and then seats herself. The men do 
not take their seats until the women are seated. The 
host remains standing until all are seated. The ac- 
tion of all is almost simultaneous. The guests find 
their places by the cards. The new fashion is for 
guests to take their seats without waiting for the 
hostess to arrive at her own place. 

On very informal occasions cards may be dis- 
pensed with, and the hostess merely says, before din- 
ner, "Mr. B., will you take Mrs. C?" 

When a hostess is a widow, or a single woman she 
arranges with one of the men to lead the way with an 
older woman or guest of honor, and the hostess goes 
last, according to the customary rule. 

At the conclusion of a dinner, the hostess gives 
the signal to leave the table by laying down her 
napkin unfolded by her plate and rising while there 
is a lull in the conversation. She is careful not to 
rise while some one is relating a story. All rise im- 
mediately, the women passing out, the hostess last, 
the men remaining and resuming their seats or going 

[82] 



Binner-^libfns 



to the smoking-room after the ladies have left the 
dining-room.. A more formal custom, according to 
English usage, is for the men to escort the women 
to the drawing-room, and then return with the host 
to the dining-room or smoking-room. 

Directions for serving coflfee, etc., are given in the 
next chapter. 

After a brief interval — ^fifteen or twenty minutes — 
the men adjourn to the drawing-room, the host hav- 
ing suggested the adjournment, and allowing all 
guests to precede him, when leaving the dining-room. 

The usual time for guests to leave after a dinner 
is from ten to half-past ten. 

The hostess should shake hands with her guests 
on their arrival and departure. Guests should be 
particular to greet and to take leave of their host, also, 
by shaking hands with him. 

Guests of honor are the first to leave. A servant 
is in the hall to open the door for departing guests 
and to render any required service. A maid is in 
attendance for ladies in whatever place wraps have 
been cared for. 

There are so many fads about food in these days, 
on account of gout and other ills that flesh is heir to, 
that it is the fashion to have short dinners, to remain 
at the table a comparatively brief time, to drink few 
wines and to eat less than in former times. 

Lady Henry Somerset hits off this fashion hu- 
morously in her new novel in describing life^ in 

[83] 



(E^e Ctiqitiette of Mti» |?orfc tEo-\uif 

modem Majrfair, when Lady CIi£Fe says, ''I dined 
out last night and five out of eveiy twenty people 
were simple-fooders, ate no meat, and wanted all 
sorts of things no one ever heard of. It's the most 
complicated life there is, but it's absolutely the 
rage." 

"Bridge dinners" are popular among the young 
married people, dinners of eight, twelve, or sixteen 
persons being the rule, if the games after dinner are 
to include two, three or four tables for players. 

A favorite way of entertaining at present is to in- 
vite guests to dine at a restaurant of fashion and to 
go afterwards to the play. A table is reserved, din- 
ner ordered and the account settled in advance of 
the occasion. 

If a dinner is to be given elsewhere than at home 
the place is indicated in the note of invitation and 
guests are expected to assemble there. The host 
and hostess provide the means of conveyance to the 
play after dinner and to the homes of guests after 
the play. 



[84] 



CHAPTER XI 

THE SERVING OP A DINNER 

THE system of serving dinner h la Russe or 
in the fashion adopted from Russia, is the 
recognized form all the world over. Noth- 
ing appears on the table but the covers, the flowers, 
little dishes of bonbons and small cakes and possibly 
the fruits. 

Everything is served from a side-table and passed 
by the servants. 

Short dinners are the modem fashion. The menu 
consists, as a general rule, of grapefruit, canapes of 
caviare, soup, fish, an entree, a roast with two 
vegetables, game and salad, dessert and fruit. 

Cheese is sometimes served after the game. If 
artichokes or asparagus are served they are separate 
courses. 

In summer musk-melons are sometimes served as 
a first course, a half of a melon at each place. 

Grapefruit is served in glasses and prepared ac« 
cording to the directions given in the chapter on 
"Luncheons." On very informal occasions a glass 
filled with the fruit may be on the plate at each place 

.[85Ji 



tE^e CtiQitette of ^eto f^mk (Eb-bap 

when guests take their seats. In that case a napkin 
with a roll within is on the left at each place, instead 
of on the place-plate according to the usual rule. 
The more formal and correct usage is to have the 
napkin and roll on the place-plate, and as soon as 
the guest removes the napkin, the servant takes up 
the place-plate and puts down a plate holding a glass 
of grapefruit. When the next course is to be served 
the servant takes up the plate bearing the glass and 
slips another plate into the place. The canapes of 
caviare are then offered from a large silver or china 
dish, each person helping himself to one portion. 
The plates are then removed and other plates are 
substituted and the soup is served, the plate of soup 
being placed on the place-plate. 

K oysters on the shell are served they precede the 
soup and the canapes of caviare may be omitted. 
Oysters on the shell are greatly out of favor at 
present, many persons beUeving them to be un- 
wholesome, while another reason is that less heavy 
dinners than formerly are the fashion and light, 
simple courses are preferred to begin a dinner. 

If oysters on the shell are served they are on 
oyster plates with half a lemon in the centre, five or 
six oysters for each person. These are put on the 
place-plates as soon as guests have removed napkins 
and rolls. Red and black pepper are then offered 
from a tray. 

When the. oyster plates have been removed, soup 

[86] 



Wtft S^ttbinq, of a Binner 



is served, the plate of soup being placed on the place- 
plate. Soup is served from the pantry or side-table, 
a ladleful for each person. A tall screen shelters 
the pantry door and serving table. In removing the 
soup plates, the under plates are left and these are 
used for the hors d'ceuvres — celery, radishes, olives 
and salted nuts, which are then passed, these being 
kept on a side-table. 

The plates are then removed and a warm plate is 
substituted at each place for the fish or entree, and 
so on throughout the dinner, no person being left at 
any moment without a plate before him except when 
the table is cleared for dessert. 

Cold plates must be placed if pate de faie gras is to 
be served. Always when removing a plate a fresh 
one is placed. This is a rigid rule in correct service. 
In placing a plate having a monogram or r^ular 
design it is placed so that the monogram or design 
faces the person at whose place it is put down. 

Plates are not removed until all have finished. 
One plate at a time is taken, and never should one 
plate be placed on another in removal. A servant 
removes and replaces plates always at the left of each 
person, taking up the plate with the right hand and 
having in the left hand another plate in readiness to 
put down immediately. 

The carving is done in the pantry; a large fork 
and spoon are laid on the platter and the portions 
should be so well arranged that each person can re- 

I 87 ], 



Q^e CtiQuette of ^tai |9orft (Eb*luip 

move a part with ease when the platter is passed by 
the servant. 

The v^etables are in vegetable dishes of silver or 
china» on the side-table, and passed, one at a time, 
each person helping himself from the v^etable dish 
and taking the vegetable on the plate with the meat. 

The servant should pass dishes to the left of each 
person, the servant having a folded napkin mider 
each dish and holding the dish on the fiat of the hand 
and low down when offering the dish. Each person 
helps himself from the dish thus offered, whether it 
be fish, meat or vegetable. 

In serving, the butler leads and the second man 
assists. At a large dinner duplicate dishes are 
passed in a course, the servants beginning at differ- 
ent sides of the table, and serving trdish's in oppo- 
site directions. Extra men-servants are employed 

for twenty guests. 

The usual rule in serving is for the servant to begin 
by offering the dishes to the lady seated at the host's 
right hand, then to the lady at the host's left hand, 
and thence to each guest in the order seated, irrespec- 
tive of sex. The host is always served last. 

At a small dinner, the women guests are served 
first, then the hostess, then the men. A hostess is 
never served first unless she is the only woman 
present. 

Glasses are filled with iced water before guests 

[88] 



Wbt i^ertiins of a Mrmtt 



take thdr seats at the table» but if Apollinaris is 
served, it is not poured before guests are seated. A 
carafe or water pitcher for iced water may be on 
a side-table, and the servant should replenish the 
glasses when necessary without being told to do so. 

The order of serving wine is sherry with the oys- 
ters, sauteme with the fish course; dry champagne 
is offered with the roast and continuously through- 
out the dinner. With the entree a fashion is to offer 
the men Scotch whiskey and water and to serve it 
during dinner, as it is the fashion to drink httle or 
no wine in these days on account of gout. When 
serving wine a man-servant may mention what it is. 
A waitress seldom does this. Wine is offered at the 
right hand of a guest always. White wine is served 
cold. Champagne is kept in champagne coolers 
with ice until needed. A napkin is wrapped about a 
champagne bottle when the wine is to be poured, to 
absorb the moisture. Sherry is served from decan- 
ters; champagne and white wine are served from 
the bottles. It is not the fashion to serve claret, 
burgundy, or port at formal dinners. 

At a small and very informal dinner it is sufficient 
to serve sherry and sauteme or sauteme alone. 

Two kinds of cordials are served after dinner to 
the men with cigars and cigarettes in the dining- 
room after the coffee. Cognac is also served. A 
tiny alcohol lighted lamp is on the tray passed with 
the cigars. 

[89] 



W^t €titiutttt of ^\B |90tii WthtHip 

Coflfee is served to the ladies after they have re- 
turned to the drawing-room. When there are two 
servants, one servant passes a tray with cups and 
saucers; on each saucer is laid a coffee-spoon. A 
sugar-bowl containing flakes of rock-candy is on the 
tray. The other servant follows with a tray with 
the silver coffee-pot and pours the coffee for each 
person. The person served then takes up the cup 
and saucer from the tray. If there is but one ser- 
vant the cups may be fiUed before being brought in. 

After the coffee, the cordials are served. Creme 
de menthe in tiny glasses filled with finely chopped 
ice is always liked. Apollinaris water may be offered 
later. 

In a modest household successful dinner-giving 
can be accomplished only by attention to details and 
a systematic arrangement of the general machinery. 
Well-tried receipts must be used. Experiments are 
fatal. It is always possible in a large city to hire 
efficient servants for an occasion to assist in the 
preparation and serving of a dinner. An efficient 
waitress may be able to wait on six persons. 

A dinner of twelve or fourteen persons cannot 
be properly served without two or three servants to 
wait on the table and a maid in the pantry. 

There should be no sounds from the pantry, no 
clattering of dishes or silver. The service must be 
quiet, without haste, yet never dragging. 

Plates should not be snatched away according to 

[90] 



tStft i^erbins of a Sttmet 



a prevalent fashion, before a guest has half finished 
an appetizing morsel. 

The place of the butler or the single servant is be- 
hind the chair of the hostess, when not occupied in 
serving. 



T91] 



± 



CHAPTER XII 

CONCERNING INTRODUCTIONS 

inr^HE necessity for introducing and the pro- 
priety of not doing so are modified by various 
circumstances, and individual tact and good 
judgment must often decide the issue. 

The rule about introductions is that they are not 
to be made indiscriminately. There should be some 
knowledge that an introduction will be mutually 
agreeable to the persons introduced, and if any doubt 
exists on this subject it is correct to consult the wishes 
of both. This, of course, applies to an introduction 
which is premeditated. It is customary for a man 
to ask some friend in common to preset him to a 
woman at any social gathering, and her wishes 
should be ascertained by the friend, the woman 
having the option of declining the introduction, if 
she has any good reason for doing so; but there are 
few occasions where such a request is refused. 

An established rule is that after having been pre- 
sented to a woman a man must wait for her to recog- 
nize him when they meet again before venturing to 
claim her acquaintance, but it is polite for her to 
bow, even if she does not wish to keep up more than 
a bowing acquaintance with him in future. 

[93] 



Coneetnins 3titrabactuins( 



At a large dinner it is not customary for a hostess 
to make any introductions in a general way, but a 
few moments before dinner she introduces to a lady 
the man who is to take her to dinner. At a small 
dinner a host or hostess may introduce guests who 
are strangers to each other, if there is time to do so 
before dinner is announced. 

If a dinner or any other entertainment is given in 
honor of a friend, or if there is a distinguished per- 
son among the guests, introductions are made. 

A hostess has privileges about introducing her 
guests, as she is not supposed to assemble together 
those who are averse to meeting each other, yet on 
this point discretion is needed. A guest can never 
decline an introduction proposed by a hostess, and, 
in fact, a hostess need not consult a guest in this 
matter; yet a hostess needs to be sure of her ground 
and to have a knowledge of conditions in general 
society, because there is an established rule among 
well-bred people that if introduced to one with whom 
one is not on friendly terms it is not allowable to 
show one's hostess that a mistake has been made, 
and a hostess may mar the pleasure of guests by a 
stupid error. 

A hostess has the privilege of presenting young 
men to young girls at any reception, tea, dance or 
other entertainment at her own house, without ask- 
ing permission of the latter, and her object would be 
to give pleasure to the young people and to have the 

[98] 



QPfie CttQitette of ^to f^otk tEo-tmp 

young men show some civility to those to whom 
they are presented. 

A positive rule, without any exception, is that a 
man is introduced to a woman, never the reverse. 
In this social world of ours women are first and their 
privil^es are never abandoned. In making an in- 
troduction it is best to say, "Miss A., allow me to 
introduce Mr. C." If the man is a stranger it is 
allowable to add after his name, " of Washington," 
or to make some remark which may help to start 
conversation, such as, "Mr. C. has just returned 
from a trip to Colorado.'* 

When introducing two women the younger is in- 
troduced to the elder, unless they are nearly of an 
age, when no distinction is made. Young girls are 
introduced to married women, and young married 
women to older matrons. 

It happens frequently in society that a semi-formal 
introduction must be made. For instance, two 
ladies may be calling at the same time on a hostess, 
who should introduce them. This may be done 
either by a direct introduction, or by some informal 
remark, such as, "Mrs. Brown, I think you and 
Mrs. Smith have not met before." The ladies thus 
introduced should bow. to each other and make some 
remark. 

At any social function, club meeting or other as- 
semblage where a woman is present who is a stranger 
and a guest of honor, the guests or club members 

[94] 



Conterntos 9ntrobttcttons( 



may ask the hostess or president of the club to in- 
troduce them to her, and each should be introduced 
separately and should shake hands with her. 

It is not correct to introduce people collectively; 
it should be done individually. 

A woman does not rise when a man is introduced 
to her. If she is seated with a group of friends and 
a lady is brought up to her for an introduction she 
should rise to greet her and shake hands and 
may then suggest taking seats where they may talk 
together. If men are seated near they should rise 
and offer seats and remain standing while women 
are standing. 

If pouring tea at a tea-table a woman would not 
rise when another was introduced to her, but would 
offer her a cup of tea and ask her to sit near; but if 
there should not be a chair close at hand she might 
rise and draw one near for the newcomer. If mak- 
ing a call and talking to the hostess and others and 
another visitor enters, the hostess rises to greet her 
guest and introduces the newcomer to the others. It 
would be awkward for all the women to rise to greet 
her and it is not customary. They merely bow, and 
the hostess seats the guest and herself and all join 
in general conversation. If a man is present he 
must rise when a lady enters and find a chair for 
her. If a woman is alone with her hostess and 
another enters, she need not rise when introduced 
unless the hostess and newcomer remain standing, 

[96 1 



W^ CtiQuette of ^to |?orit TEb-itap 

or unless there seems a necessity of liang because 
there may not be enough seats near for all, or it 
may be more agreeable to make some change of 
places in the room. These small points depend on 
circumstances. 

When visitors arrive at the same time a hostess 
should introduce them to each other, but if she fails 
to do so, conversation may be general. 

Casual conversation of this sort in a friend's house 
or the exchange of a few courteous remarks need not 
involve further acquaintance, but often helps at the 
moment to relieve an awkward situation. 

Men do not ask to be introduced to each other. 
They are supposed to be at liberty to speak to each 
other in society without formal presentations. 

A man's title should be mentioned in an intro- 
duction, viz. : General Duncan, Doctor Brown, the 
Reverend Doctor Wilson, etc. 

A man should not bring another man to the home 
of a friend to be introduced unless he has permis- 
sion from the hostess to do so. He should then 
introduce him to the hostess and any of the family 
who may be present on his arrival, but if others enter 
later it would be the duty of the hostess to make 
the necessaiy introductions.^ 



[96] 



CHAPTER XIII 

ABOUT SHAKING HANDS AND BOWING 

FEW persons realize that the modem custom 
of shaking hands may be traced for its origin 
to remote and barbaric times when men 
offered their right hands to each other to show that 
they were without weapons, or as a bond of peace 
and an assurance against treachery. 

This custom, which has come down to us through 
many ages, has. or should have in it. the very essence 
of good-will, good-fellowship and sincerity. 

The manner of shaking hands expresses much or 
little, as the case may be. There is the cordial, the 
honest, the indifferent, the inert, the affected, the 
exaggerated way of shaking hands, all being sug- 
gestive of character. 

The friend who takes our hand cordially and looks 
straight into our eyes produces a feeling that the 
owner of the hand has a warm heart. The person 
who extends a limp, weak, lifeless hand and looks over 
one's shoulder is not a person on whom to depend 
in an emergency. One who seizes a proffered hand 
violently and with a hard pressure which makes 
it ache gives the sensation that such a person is in- 
different rather than cordial, inconsiderate rather 

[97] 



H^t CtiQttette of Utto f^otk tCo-liap 

than thoughtful. Peculiarities of manner are, how- 
ever, often the result of awkwardness or embarrass- 
ment, yet they influence us unconsciously in our 
estimate of the people we meet. 

Any affectation in hand-shaking induces almost 
an aversion to the person who offers so feeble a 
greeting. 

When shaking hand»-or, rather, taking the hand, 
one may give a gentle pressure, but not raise the 
hand or shake it, and not drop it suddenly, but re- 
linquish it quietly, and not retain it while inquiring 
about another's health, etc. 

A point to remember is not to put out the hand 
until very near the person one wishes to greet. Noth- 
ing is more awkward than to walk some distance with 
the hand held out. 

A few general rules as to when to shake hands and 
when not to do so may be useful. A woman does not 
shake hands with a man who is introduced to her 
casually and who is a stranger, yet there are excep- 
tions to this rule. For instance, she would shake 
hands with all relatives of her future husband when 
they are introduced, or with a friend or relative of 
an intimate friend, or with one who is a friend of her 
husband, or brother. A man must await the in- 
itiative of a lady about shaking hands; that is, he 
must not offer his hand first. A hostess should shake 
hands with guests who come to her house both on 
their arrival and departure. 

[98] 



A young girl must not offer to shake hands with 
any one not expecting this greeting. For instance, 
when introduced by a friend to a married woman 
the latter may offer to shake hands, but a girl must 
not make the advance. As a general rule, women do 
not shake hands with each other when introduced, 
but merely bow; yet this rule bears alteration when 
there is some good reason why two women wish to 
meet very cordially, when they have heard much of 
each other, and are introduced by a mutual friend. 
Men shake hands on being introduced to each other, 
but if out of doors they merely raise their hats. 
Women who are intimate friends take each other 
by the hand when meeting and parting, but men 
do not follow this custom with each other. 

When leaving an entertainment a man shakes 
hands with the hostess, and he may do so with friends 
who are near, but he must not go about shaking 
hands generally. 

The fashion of raising the arm in an exaggerated 
manner when shaking hands is not followed at 
present, but it has become the custom to extend the 
hand on a line with the chest and take the fingers of 
the hand and not grasp the palm. 

There are very distinct rules in regard to bowing- 
rules as to when to bow and when not to bow, and 
also as to the manner of bowing. One of the first 
rules is that a man must wait for a woman to recog- 
nize him, although between friends the act of bow- 

[99] 



ttPdt etiquette ot ^to ^mk UPo-bap 

ing is almost simultaneous. When returning a lady's 
bow a man takes oS his hat and replaces it quickly. 
If he has a dgar he removes it quickly before bowing. 
If he knows a woman weU enough to join her and 
he wishes to speak to her he throws away his cigar 
and turns and walks beside her in the direction in 
which she is going. It is not obligatory for him to 
accompany her to her destination, but she should 
not stand in the street to talk to him. They part 
without stopping, the man raising his hat when leav- 
ing her. If he walks with her to her home he should 
wait until she is admitted before leaving her. 

When meeting or leaving a lady, or when he passes 
her on a stairway or in the corridor of a theatre, or 
when he offers any small courtesy in a public con- 
veyance, he raises his hat. He removes his hat in 
a hotel elevator when a woman enters. In the ele- 
vators of large business buildings this rule does not 
seem to hold. 

A well-bred man raises his hat to his father, 
mother, sister, wife, or other member of his family. 

A man does not bow first to a man who is walking 
with a lady who is unknown to the passing acquaint- 
ance, but waits to be recognized. When a man is 
with a lady who bows to an acquaintance he must 
raise his hat. He looks straight ahead and not at 
the person to whom the friend bows if the person is 
unknown to him. 

When bowing it is not customary to mention the 

[ 100 ], 



SiiDitt i^lbafcins ^anbi; anb IBotoins 

name of the person one is recognizing. When pass- 
ing formal acquaintances several times when driving 
or walking it is not necessary to bow more than once. 

Picture galleries are regarded as public thorough- 
fares, and in them a man may retain his hat. Of 
course, if a woman bows to him, or if he is intro- 
duced to any one there, he raises his hat and does 
not replace it while standing talking to a woman. 

When a woman receives some trifling civility from 
a man whom she does not know, she thanks him with 
a bow and smile at the same moment, and he raises 
his hat in acknowledgment; but if she meets him 
subsequently and he has never been introduced, it 
would be incorrect for her to bow to him. Knowing 
a person by sight does not constitute an acquaintance 
and does not give any one the right to bow. 

A man, when driving, cannot conveniently raise 
his hat; therefore, etiquette requires that he shall 
bend forward and raise his whip to the brim of his 
hat in acknowledgment of a salutation. 

Although a mere bowing acquaintance may be 
tiresome to continue between those who meet fre- 
quently when walking, yet have not opportunities 
of meeting elsewhere, it would not be courteous to 
abandon what has been begun. Another point is 
that it would be extremely discourteous not to re- 
turn a bow. 

Bows may be described as friendly or cordial, cere- 
monious or deferential, distant or reluctant, accord* 

[101] 



tE^ CtiQttette of ^eto f^tnA ^Eo4uip 

ing to the maimer in which we wish to greet ac- 
quaintances, but a bow must be polite always. No 
doubt, there are some persons who seem to bow 
coldly when they have no intention of doing so. 
Near-sighted persons must have aUowances made 
for them on this score. Others may be absent- 
minded, diffident or awkward; but when we meet 
a friend who bows cordially, graciously and grace- 
f uUy the action shows us that there is an art in bow- 
ing, and it is well worth while to practise it. 

Many of the ordinary acts of courtesy have in 
them a history of manners. The very word, salu- 
tation, derived from the Latin, saliUatio, indicates 
the daily homage paid by a Roman to his patron. 
In ancient times the strong ruled and the inferior 
demonstrated his alliance by studied attention. 
A bow is a modified prostration, a curtsey is a genu- 
flection, rising and standing are acts of homage. 

An old verse gives quaint directions that a man 
follows in modem times: 



When thou come the hall door to. 
Doff thy hood, thy gloves also." 



1 102 ] 



CHAPTER XIV 

MEN'S MANNERS 

IT would seem to be the first duty of every man 
to have good manners — ^not the superficial 
veneer which is merely the outside polish, but 
the good manners that spring from a good heart and 
a sincere, manly nature. Emerson says that "a gen- 
tleman is a man of truth," and this definition means 
honesty and sincerity in conduct. He must have 
character and force, good-nature and kindness, 
"manhood first and then gentleness." 

A weU-bred man is free from arrogance; he is 
courteous, unpretentious, natural, simple, unaffected 
— ^in a word, true. He is considerate in his feelings, 
polite and kind to his inferiors as to his equals. He 
respects himself. He is chivalrous towards women 
and reverences their sex because he bears in mind 
his love and respect for his own mother. He pro- 
tects the weak and is tender towards children and 
aged persons. He is never self-assertive, pushing, 
aggressive or familiar, for to possess any of these 
qualities would indicate a distressing lack of good 
breeding. 

In social life it is taken for granted that a man is 

[103] 



tE^e CtlQttette of Hz^ l^orli tEo-bap 

indebted to a woman who accepts any attention 
from him. She is supposed to be like a fair and 
stately princess accepting the homage of courtiers 
and rewarding them with a smile. 

A man may not ask permission of a lady to call 
on her. He must wait until she offers him the 
privilege of calling. This rule is because a woman 
has the right to choose who may be admitted to her 
home. But if he has good reason for thinking she 
might like the suggestion to come from him, he may 
say, ** ^HLblj I not have the pleasure of calling to see 
you?" Personal remarks and compliments are not 
in good taste» and fulsome praise is not acceptable to 
any one. 

With the exception of flowers, bonbons or books 
a man may not send gifts to a woman unless she is 
to become his wife, and then he may not offer any- 
thing that could not be returned uninjured, if such 
a misfortune as a broken engagement should occur. 
Propriety and principle forbid that a man may begin 
a correspondence with a girl with the intention of 
discontinuing it at his own caprice or pleasure. A 
correspondence entered into merely by way of flirta- 
tion is wrong; friendsUp demands that one shall 
not drop a friend, and principle and true manliness 
demand that a man may not pretend friendship, in- 
terest or affection which he dL not mean. 

A young man of twenty or thereabouts is supposed 
to be old enough to enter society, and his mother may 

[ 104 ] 



0txCsi iHannertf 



leave his card with her own and her husband's cards 
as an indication that he is ready to be included in 
invitations to social functions; but he must be careful 
to remember that he has positive obligations about 
hospitalities when once he has begun to receive in- 
vitations. A young man is apt to be very remiss in 
r^ard to this, and to err from thoughtlessness or 
from not being reminded of social duties by his 
parents. He should make a call after any invita- 
tion received, and, if possible, on an afternoon when 
a hostess is receiving. 

n a man is unavoidably prevented from keeping 
an engagement he should write immediately, offering 
an apology and explanation. 

Calls are frequentiy made by young men on Sun- 
day afternoons, some hostesses remaining at home 
most informally at that time. When calling to see 
a young girl a man should leave two cards, one being 
for her mother. K calUng often at the same house 
he may leave but one card. 

In large cities evening visits are out of fashion. 
In small towns where they may be allowable an 
evening visit should not extend beyond ten o'clock. 

A man who is well-bred knows that he must call 
and leave a letter of introduction with his card but 
on no account must he enter the house. His duty 
is to allow the person addressed an opportunity to 
decide on his merits. 

A man should not enter a carriage before a lady. 

[105] 



tE^t CttQuette of ^Ui l^orfc HMmv 

He should be the first to get out of a carriage with 
the object of assisting her to leave it. 

He does not smoke in the presence of ladies with- 
out asking their permission. A guest does not smoke 
without being asked to do so by the host. 

A woman precedes a man always in entering or 
leaving a room. He opens a door for her unless a 
servant is present to do so. 

At the theatre or opera a man is careful not to ap- 
plaud vehemently and disturb others. He does not 
call on a lady in her opera box unless he is well known 
to her, nor is a call of the sort supposed to cancel in- 
debtedness for invitations he has received. When 
entering a box he awaits the greeting of the hostess 
before venturing to seat himself. He makes a brief 
stay and leaves on the arrival of another visitor. 
If he has been invited to dine and accompany ladies 
to the opera he is careful to show them attention. 
After the opera he assists them with thdr cloaks, ac- 
companies them to the door and finds a place in 
the vestibule where they may stand while he looks 
for their footman or carriage. 

When a widower entertains he asks a sister or 
some relative to receive for him, unless he has a 
grown daughter who would in that case be the 
hostess. 

A bachelor who acts as host must have a chaperon 
always for any occasion where ladies are to be present, 
whether it be a theatre party, supper or other enter- 

[106] 



0ttCsl ittannettf 



tainment. His duty is to sit next to the chaperon at 
the play or at supper. He has the forethought to 
order the supper in advance and has a table reserved 
and the account settled before going to a restaurant. 
After supper he must accompany the ladies to the 
residence of the chaperon, where the maids of the 
young girls are waiting for them. 

When a man is visiting in a coimtry house he is 
expected to fee the butler, and the man who valets 
him, or the waitress and maid who have cared for 
his room. 

When a man gives a card party, or reception for 
his men friends it is not necessary for his wife to ap- 
pear. After seeing that everything is in order be- 
fore the guests arrive and giving final directions to 
servants, she may dine at a friend's house, or remain 
quietly at home. 



I lOT ] 



CHAPTER XV 

VISriTNG AND THE USE OF CARDS 

IIFE has become so compKcated in large cities 
I that there is» of necessity, less social intimacy 
^ than in smaller towns. The many demands 
upon one's time, the great distances, compel people 
to for^o much of that intercourse which might be 
both pleasant and profitable. The result is that 
there is a constant interchange of cards between 
persons, who, with the very best intentions and the 
most friendly inclinations, have not time to be 

out doubt, a cold and an unsatisfactory way of dis- 
charging social indebtedness, but it is supposed to 
be sufficient to continue an acquaintance. 

There are established rules which regulate visiting, 
the use of cards, the leaving or sending of cards, and 
when these rules are clearly imderstood and faith- 
fully followed there is a feeling of satisfaction which 
relieves the conscience. 

Of course, one should try to make one or two in- 
formal calls on intimate friends during the year. 
These calls cannot be classed in the more ceremo- 
nious visiting which we are considering at the mo- 

[108] 



T0iMni onb tfie Wlsst of Catbss 

M^M^M I I — ^i— ■ 

ment, but it should be understood that even between 
intimate friends the code of etiquette is the same in 
r^ard to the acknowledgment of all invitations. 
Ceremonious card leaving is obligatory after receiving 
invitations to a wedding reception, a dinner, lunch- 
eon, card party or an evening entertainment, the call 
to be made and cards left within a week after the 
event and whether one has accepted or not. If one 
has sent a regret one may call before the event. 

A card represents its owner and means a visit, or 
some courtesy, and women do not call on men or 
send cards to them; therefore, their cards are for 
the women of a household, the cards of their hus- 
bands for the men and one for each of the women. 

An invitation to a church wedding requires that 
cards be sent on the day of the event, or soon after, 
to those in whose name it was issued and to the newly 
married pair. This applies also to marriage an- 
nouncements, but it is polite to call personally on a 
bride, within the year if possible, if she is already on 
one's visiting list. 

It is well understood that a married woman leaves 
'her husband's cards with her own — one of her own 
cards for each lady in a family and one each of her 
husband's cards for each lady and one for the man 
of the family. If there are daughters in the house- 
hold one card of her husband's may include them. 
If she has a grown son she may leave two of his cards. 
These formalities are for the first call of the season. 

[109] 



QPbe etiquette of ^to |?orii S6-bap 

She need not leave her husband's cards in future 
calls during the year unless he has been the recipient 
of invitations, the courtesy of which must be ac- 
knowledged, and she may allow a son to attend to 
his own future calls. The leaving of her husband's 
cards is a custom, as he is not supposed to have 
leisure for calling and is exempt from such duties, 
but his existence is thus recognized socially. 

The general rule is that a woman should make a 
call once a year on friends and acquaintances. One 
member of a family may leave the cards of others. 
Certain privil^es are claimed by and accorded to 
women of acknowledged social prominence, who, 
by reason of age or delicate health, may drive about 
leaving cards without inquiring if the ladies are at 
home. 

If a woman has a day for staying at home it is 
the duty of friends to try to call on that afternoon. 
Cards for an afternoon tea do not require a reply. 
They indicate merely that a hostess will be at home to 
her friends, who may come or not as they please. 
Those who call leave their cards as a reminder to 
the hostess that they have been present, and may 
leave the cards of members of their family as an ac- 
knowledgment of the invitation. Those who cannot 
go, or cannot send cards by a member of the family, 
enclose their cards in small envelopes addressed by 
hand and sent by mail on the day of the event. If a 
call is made or cards are sent one's duty is done, and 

[ no ] 



Visitinq anb tfie Wiit of Catte 

a call afterwards is not required. The hostess is 
then the debtor, yet she has the privil^e of not call- 
ing within the year, except after receiving invitations. 

When making a first call, or any formal call, cards 
are left. A lady may give her own card to the ser- 
vant who opens the door and may lay her husband's 
cards on the hall table in passing. Cards are never 
handed to the hostess or to any member of the 
family. 

A first call should be returned within a month, 
at latest. When calling on a friend who is visiting 
those whom one may not know it is correct to ask 
for the hostess and leave a card, although she may 
excuse herself, assuming from courtesy that the guest 
and her visitor may prefer to be alone. 

Another phase of card leaving is when friends 
have returned after a long absence. A congratula- 
tory call is essential after receiving a note announ- 
cing a friend's engagement. When returning home 
after a long absence cards with one's address are 
sent to friends and acquaintances. The same rule 
is followed when one wishes to notify friends of one's 
change of address. 

In town intimate friends have the privil^e of 
calling in the morning hours, or it is allowable to call 
on some errand of business or charity, or to inquire 
in illness. 

Acceptances or regrets must never be written on 
cards. 

[ 111 ] 



W^ Ctiqiiette ot iUio INi^ TEo-ba? 

It is not in good taste for more than two members 
of a family to call together. A mother may be ac- 
companied by one daughter and leave cards of the 
others. 

The hours for calling are between three and six 
o'clock in the afternoon. From four to seven are 
the usual hours stated on a reception card. From 
fifteen to twenty minutes is the correct length of 
time for a call. 

In social parlance one does not **n:iake caUs/' one 
speaks of making or paying '* visits/' and one never 
uses the expression, an *^At home." It is a ''tea"; 
even the most formal reception is spoken of in this 
way. 

A point of card leavmg which is unportant con- 
cerns cards of inquiry. When hearing of a friend's 
illness it is a duty to call without delay and make 
personal inquiries. A custom in England which is 
being adopted here is to write the words, "To in- 
quire," on one's card. If the illness is of several 
weeks' duration a friend would call frequently to 
ascertain the condition of the invalid and to show 
interest; an acquaintance might call once or twice. 
A married woman calUng to inquire would leave one 
of her own cards and occasionally one of her hus- 
band's cards if the invalid is a personal friend of 
the husband, as well as of her own. The words 
"To inquire," are written upon a lady's card, unless 
the invalid is the husband of the lady called upon. 

[112] 



l^iitinz mtb tt^t Wiat of Catbtf 

In that case the words are written on the husband's 
card. If the invalid is a daughter in the family 
called upon a lady leaves only her own cards. Nec- 
essarily cards of inquiry may not be sent by post, 
as the object is to make personal inquiries of the 
condition of the invalid. 

After a bereavement in a family cards of condo- 
lence are left promptly by friends or within a week 
of the event, and without inquiring for any member 
of the household. The words, " With deepest sym- 
pathy," may be written on the cards. Intimate 
friends only have the privil^e of asking to see one 
of the family. If distance makes it impossible to 
call, cards of condolence may be sent by post. The 
acknowledgment of cards of condolence is explained 
in the chapter on, "The Etiquette of Mourning." 

After recovery from an illness one may call on 
friends who have left cards, or may send to acquaint- 
ances cards with the words, " With thanks for kind 
inquiries." 

All the little ceremonies and attentions discussed 
here have their meaning and their value. They are 
not useless. They indicate the thoughtfulness and 
kindliness which are at the root of all politeness. 
Courtesy is due to our friends and is a mark of re- 
spect towards them as well as of our own self-respect; 
therefore cards of courtesy are not mere vague forms, 
but are expressive of some of the principles of good 
breeding. 

[113] 



Q^ Ctfiittette of .^ebi f^atk So-bap 

There need be no great apprehension when calls 
are long overdue. It does not follow that the delay 
is intentional or signifies a desire to discontinue the 
acquaintance. If, for instance, a first call has been 
made upon a bride or newcomer in a dty and the 
visit has been returned, it need not be taken for 
granted by the stranger that any intimacy or friend- 
ship will result, and if, in the course of a year, cards 
are sent by the older resident stating what day or 
days she may be found at home, this is all that can 
be reasonably expected and susceptibilities need not 
be wounded. 

Except in cases where a visit of condolence or con- 
gratulation is required, or after invitations which 
necessitate a personal call, there is no claim upon an 
acquaintance to do more than send a card for a day 
at home unless she chooses to select certain persons 
to invite specially to her house for entertainments of 
a less general nature. People do not hold one an- 
other to account in the rush of social life, if a season 
passes without a call. When they meet they take up 
the thread pleasantly and cordially where it was 
dropped. It would be a mistake for one to allude 
to doubts or misunderstandings, and, on the other 
hand, it is best not to make too many excuses for 
past delinquencies, for the reason that to do so is to 
accuse one's self, when, perhaps, no injuiy had been 
fancied. Delay in calling is often caused by ab- 
sence from home, lack of health, engagements, ill- 

I 114 J 



I^ftfttg anil tbt Stee c/t Cotfeit 

ness in the family or mourning; and a woman's many 
duties in her home, and her outside work for char- 
ities often occupy much of her time, leaving her in- 
sufficient leisure to devote to cancelling personally 
the obligations of a long visiting list, and less time to 
apportion to herself to spend as may suit her own 
tastes. Delayed calls need never be supposed to in- 
dicate a desire to be exclusive or ceremonious. We 
naturally feel that something more than a card is 
due from intimate friends, but much latitude in re- 
gard to calling should be allowed between those who 
are mere acquaintances. 

It is a part of the civility of life to make allow- 
ances for the failings of others, a part of our own 
self-respect not to imagine that slights are intended. 
If an acquaintance calls after a long delay it is a duty 
to welcome her cordially, to put her at her ease; in 
fact, to hasten to accept any explanation she may 
offer and not permit her to feel that she has been 
dilatory about calling. 



I ii« 3 



CHAPTER XVI 

MORE POINTS CONCERNING VISITING AND 

CARDS 

A VISITING book is a necessity to any one 
U^ . 1.,^ ...be, o, L,^L^ 
- Names are entered alphabeticaUy, with 
addresses, and sometimes the dates when calls were 
received and returned. A memorandum book is 
sufficient when one has a comparatively small list of 
acquaintances. It is useful for names, addresses, 
dates of invitations, engagements, etc., so that no 
omissions may be made and no forgetfulness may 
mar the smooth current of social life. Careless per- 
sons, who trust to memory, have been known to 
make fatal mistakes about engagements and thus 
cause considerable friction in friendship. 

When making a call a visitor asks the servant who 
opens the door, "Is Mrs. Dash at home?" If there 
are other ladies in the family the words may be, 
"Are the ladies at home?" or, "Are the ladies re- 
ceiving?" If the answer is in the affirmative the 
visitor enters without other remark, giving her cards to 
the servant, who should receive them on a small tray 

[116] 



fRott Ij^ointi Conternms Viiitini anb €atbi 

which is kept in the hall for the purpose, or the 
visitor may lay them on the hall table in passing. 
These are left as a reminder that one has called. 
If the ladies are not in the drawing-room at the time 
the servant should take the cards upstairs to them 
after ushering the visitor into the drawing-room, 
but if the ladies are in the drawing-room the servant 
must not carry the cards to them but put down the 
tray containing the cards on the hall table. If the 
servant should say that Miss Dash is at home, but 
Mrs. Dash is out, it is proper to hand the same 
number of cards as if Mrs. Dash were at home, and 
to go in and pay the visit to the daughter and to ex- 
press regret to her that her mother is not at home* 

The servant leads the way to the drawing-room 
door, drawing aside the portiere, or opening the 
door, without knocking on it. A man-servant in- 
quires civilly the name of the visitor, stands aside to 
allow the visitor to pass, and announces the visitor's 
name. A maid observes the rules given except that 
she does not announce a name. If a maid neglects 
to conduct a visitor to the drawing-room the visitor 
enters without lingering in the hall. If the hostess 
is not in the room when a visitor arrives the visitor 
seats herself and awaits the coming of the hostess 
and rises when she enters. 

Servants should be instructed what to do and what 
to say when visitors call. A lady who allows a ser- 
vant to say, " I wiD see if Mrs. Dash is in? " and then 

[117] 



sends a message that she ''wishes to be excused/' 
or is ''not receiving," is showing a discourtesy to a 
visitor. 

The formula, "Not at home," is generally used 
at the door by a servant when a visitor calls and in- 
quires at a time when it is not convenient for a host- 
ess to see any one. This is not intended as an in- 
sincerity but those who object to the expression may 
instruct a servant to say, " Mrs. Dash is not receiv- 
ing," or "Mrs. Dash is very sorry not to be able to 
see any one this afternoon and wishes to be excused." 

A visitor does not remove her wraps, as a call is 
supposed to be of brief duration. 

When a visitor calls and one is not at home, the 
call counts the same and a call is due to her. 

When entering or leaving her own house a lady 
aUows a woman guest to precede her and opens the 
door for her guest unless a servant is present, but 
she precedes a man and he must open the door, un- 
less a servant is present to do so. 

When making a call a first visitor, if a lady, does 
not rise when another visitor enters; if a man, he 
should rise. The hostess rises and advances to 
greet her visitor by shaking hands. She introduces 
her guests to each other, and the new arrival is ex- 
pected to seat herself near the hostess and other 
visitor. The hostess usually says, "Will you sit 
here?" or, "Where will you sit?" or something 
equally informal and natural, and both seat them- 

1 118 ] 



iKore joints; Concemins Viiitinz anb Carbtf 

selves simultaneously and all converse together. It 
is not good form to say, "Will you be seated?" or 
"Will you take a seat?" The visitor who has been 
the first to arrive should be the first to leave. If the 
first visitor's call has already exceeded ten or fifteen 
minutes she should take leave as soon as she can 
courteously do so. A hostess rises and shakes 
hands with a guest who is leaving. If the other 
visitor is a man he must rise and remain standing 
while his hostess is standing. A hostess touches an 
electric bell to notify a servant that a guest is leaving, 
for whom the front door must be opened. If she has 
but one visitor at the moment she may accompany 
her to the door if she pleases; but if she has other 
guests she may not leave them and must take leave 
of her parting guest m the drawing-rocm. 

A man should leave his hat, overcoat, stick and 
gloves in the hall when making a call. A lady may 
not accompany a man to the hall, nor does she ever 
offer any assistance to him whatever with bis overcoat ' 
or any of his belongings. 

When a visitor is leaving it is not the custom to 
urge her to remain, although privileges o^ intimacy 
may permit one to say, "Must you go so spon?" or 
something of that sort. 

Unless one has a special day for receiving or is in 
the habit of serving tea at five o'clock eve^ after- 
noon, as many persons do, it is not the custom to 
offer anything to visitors who call. 

[119] 



H^e CttQttette of .^et» l^orfi tKo4uip 

Evening calls are not in fashion in large cities, 
even among intimate friends. Persons are sup- 
posed to have engagements in the evening either at 
home or elsewhere, and it would be embarrassing 
to arrive as an unexpected guest at an assemblage 
or to interrupt a family gathering. 

When making a call it is well to leave before the 
conversation lags and to rise while making some 
casual remark and not to linger when standing, but 
to take leave without delay. 

It is a woman's privil^e to invite a man to caU, 
because she has the right to choose who shall be re- 
ceived in her home, but she should feel reasonably 
sure that a man wishes to come before she gives the 
invitation, and it would be in best taste not to invite 
an acquaintance who had just been introduced. 

Older persons as well as young persons call on a 
bride whose cards have been received. This civility 
is but a necessary acknowledgment of the cards and 
is a courtesy due to the bride who now takes her 
place as a young matron in society. 

A bride may begin to return calls in a few weeks. 
It is always best to get these social duties oflF one's 
mind and not allow a long list to accumulate. 

When leaving town for a long absence people 
frequently send their visiting cards with "P.p.c," 
written in the lower comer. The letters stand for 
the French words. Pour prendre congiy "To take 
leave." Formerly these cards were left within a 

[ 120 ] 



0b«t ^nintsi Contenting l^iiitins anUi Carb^s 

week before departure, but they are now sent by 
post to be received the day after departure. 

When a hostess has several days for bemg at home 
it is not usual to call on more than one of the days. 
It would be the privilege only of an intimate friend 
to call on each day. 

Yi^en going to a hotel to call one sends up a card 
by a servant and waits in one of the reception rooms. 
One may write on the card the name of the person 
for whom it is intended, but this is not allowable 
when calling at a private house. A lady would go 
down to the public parlor to receive a man visitor. 

When a young giri is making a caU with her 
mother or any one older than herself, she shotild not 
take the initiative about leaving. If two friends of 
about equal age are making a call, it makes no differ- 
ence which one is the first to rise to take leave. A 
young girl allows an older woman to precede her in 
entering or leaving a house or room. 

If a daughter is at the head of her father's house- 
hold, her mother not living, one of her cards and 
two of her father's cards would be the general rule 
when sending cards. If a girl is engaged to be mar- 
ried she does not send her card with the cards of her 
fiance. 

Card envelopes should fit cards and are not en- 
closed in an outer envelope. The address and stamp 
are placed on the small envelope. 

A woman's visiting card is about three inches long 

[121] 



tElbe CtiQitette of ^to Horfc JMul^ 

by two wide, or two and a half long by one and three- 
quarters wide, a card of medium size and neariy 
square bdng the prevailing fashion. Simplicity is 
the rule in type. Flourishes in lettering are bad 
form. Plain script or Roman letters are preferred. 
Old English is occasionally used. A written card 
is never used. Engraved plates are not expensive 
and every one is supposed to have a card in the cor- 
rect fashion. A married woman never uses her 
Christian name on a card, and the rule is the same 
for a widow. The card is in her husband's name 
in full. The street address is in the lower right-hand 
comer of a card, the day for being at home is in the 
lower left-hand comer, thus: 



Mrs. Newbold StuyveaarU 

Fridayt 19 Washington Square, Nortii 

A man's card b smaller than a woman's and is ob- 
long rather than square. The name is in full, with 
the prefix Mr., and the home or club address is in 
the lower right-hand comer. A married man's card 
seldom has the address, as his card is to be left by 
his wife with her own card which bears the address. 

A physician's card has the prefix Dr. It is not 
good form to use M.D. on a card. 

Mrs. Henry Davis White, Jr.» is the form on the 

1 122 ] 



iKore ^ointt Concerning letting onb €attsi 

visiting card of a woman whose mother-in-law has 
the same name. 

A man named for his father omits the Jr., after 
his father's death, although there are instances where 
the Jr. is retained. In order to avoid confusion 
a widow may have her card, Mrs. White, provided 
she is the eldest member of the family connection, 
and the son's wife would have the fuU name, omitting 
the Jr. 

When there are representatives living of three 

generations with the same name the youngest man's 

card is: 

Mr. Henry Davis WhitCy Srd 

A clergyman's card may be Rev. Thomas Murray. 
It is not correct to place the degrees B.A., or M.A. 
on a visiting card. 

A bishop's card is: 

Bishop of New York 

A professor or a judge uses the prefix Mr. be- 
fore his name on a card. It is not correct to have 
"Professor" Blank, or, "Judge" Dash, on a visit- 
ing card. 

It has been considered old-fashioned to use as a 
visiting card, "Mr. and Mrs. Dash," but the custom 
is h&ng revived and it simplifies matters generally, 
for a woman may leave one of these cards and one 
of her husband's cards when visiting. The pre- 

I 128 ] 



W^ ttSxnatttt of ^to |9otfc tEb-iiap 

ferred style is to use the word '^and/' instead of the 
sign ** &," thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. John Beverly ScoU 

A card in the above fonn is used to accompany 
a gift. 

An old fashion is turning down a card. This 
signified formerly that one had called in person, but 
the custom is obsolete. 

A giri's card may be about the same size as that 
of a married woman. The prefix. Miss, is always 
used on a girl's card. During the first year or two 
of her entrance in society a girl's name is engraved 
on her mother's card, beneath her mother's name, 

Mrs. George Minium 
Miss Minium 

If there are two or more grown daughters, The 
Misses Mintum may be under their mother's name. 
Sometimes a card is as foUows: 

Mrs. Orenville King 

The Misses King 
Miss Dorothy King 

In this case the younger daughter has just entered 
society. After a year or more in society young girls 

I 124 ] 



iHore Jj^oixAsi Cotttertitns Vtiiitmt anb CarM 

have their cards separately from their mothers' cards. 
Pet names are not in good taste. Even though a 
girl is known among her friends as "Daisy," or 
"Birdie," her card must be: 

Miss Margaret White 



[ 125 3 



CHAPTER XVII 



ENGAGEMENTS 



MUCH might be said about the freedom of 
the yomig people of this countiy in mak- 
ing their marriage engagements and the 
advantages and disadvantages of this independence. 
In fomver times etiquette required that a man should 
first seek the consent of the girl's parents before pro- 
posing marriage to her. At the present time the 
yoimg people frequently settle the matter between 
themselves and then ask the parents' blessing. 
Pairents are not blameless if they allow the atten- 
tions to their daughter of an unworthy and unde- 
sirable man. It is their responsibility if they per- 
mit excessive liberty among young people, yet they 
should be pardoned if they hesitate to give a hasty 
consent to a marriage with one of whose character 
they feel uncertain. 

A girl's parents are her best advisers. They have 
her interests at heart, they know all the circumstances 
of her life, and they can best judge of the character 
of her friends. When there is any positive opposi- 
tion from parents to any friend there is generally 
some good reason for it. At least, it is best for a 

[126] 



CngagemetttiS 



girl to wait patiently and not make any hasty de* 
cision which she may live to r^ret. 

A marriage engagement is a matter of serious im-* 
portance and should never be entered into unless 
each one feels entire confidence in the other. A girl 
may be sure that unless she respects and trusts the 
man to whom she is engaged she can never be happy 
with him. 

The proof of a man's worthiness may be in his 
good conduct, manliness and patience. A manly 
young man wiU state frankly to a girl's parents all 
about his circumstances and business prospects and 
will ask their consent to the 'marriage. The man 
who fails to show proper respect towards a girl's 
parents is not one who is likely to prove a good hus- 
bandy and the girl who defies or disregards her 
parents' disapproval is lacking in some of the char- 
acteristics of a good wife. 

It is optional whether an engagement is announced 
soon after its occurrence or not until a few months 
before the marriage; but even though the marriage 
may not take place for a year, it is advisable to an- 
nounce the engagement, provided, of course, that 
the young girl's parents have given their consent 
to it. 

The initiative in announcing an engagement must 
come from the family of the young girl. The proper 
and the customary way to make such an announce- 
ment is for the girl and her mother to write notes to 

[127] 



Q^e etiquette of ^to |9orii Ql^bap 

their intimate friends and near relatives. The en- 
gagement may not be made known by a man until 
his fianc^ and her family have annomiced it. He 
may write notes to his own friends and send them 
simultaneously with those of his fiancee, and his 
mother may make the news known by notes to rela- 
tives who may be interested. 

There is no special form for such notes. Any 
simple and natural expressions are the best. For 
instance, a girl may write, '" I wish you to be among 

the first to hear of my engagement to ," or some 

words of the sort. 

It is not customary to give a reception after an en- 
gagement is announced, but, if a girl wishes, she may 
mention in her notes an afternoon when she and her 
mother will be at home to receive friends informally. 
Friends often send flowers and all who have received 
notes should call or send congratulatory notes. 

Dinners and other festivities are usually given for 
the young people by their friends. 

The parents and relatives of the bridegroom-elect 
should call on the young girl and her mother, and an 
exchange of hospitalities should begin between the 
two families, the man's family taking the first step 
in this respect. If the family of the bridegroom- 
elect live at a distance, they should write cordial let- 
ters to the bride-elect expressing their pleasure at 
the engagement, and the yoimg man's mother may 
invite the future daughter-in-law to visit her. In 

[128] 



CngagementiS 



any case, calls should be returned and letters an- 
swered within a week. When a girl receives letters 
from the mother and sisters of the man to whom she 
is engaged to be married she should not delay to re- 
ply, and should tiy to write in the same kind spirit 
in which their letters were expressed It is impor- 
tant to try to make her future husband's relatives 
feel kindly towards her. She may say that it was a 
great pleasure to receive so kind and cordial a wel- 
come into the family and that she looks forward to 
meeting them some time in the future, and that she 
has heard so much of them that she feels that she 
knows them, etc. 

( Friends often send engagement gifts of every sort. 
Tea cups are often sent to a prospective bride as a 
sign of future domesticity. 

The engagement ring is worn after an engage- 
ment is announced. The choice of a ring depends 
on a man's taste and means. A sensible and womanly 
girl would not wish to receive other than her fiance 
can afford. 

A strict rule is that with the exception of flowers 
and bonbons a girl may not accept from her fiance 
gifts which may not be returned uninjured, should 
the engagement be broken. When an engagement is 
broken it is supposed to be because the persons have 
discovered their lack of congeniality. 

If a girl has good reasons for believing that the 
engagement should end, it will be well for her to 

[129] 



tE^ IQiQttette of .^efn l^orii tCo4uip 

write and say so. It is best to make up one's mind 
to such a decision rather than to risk one's future by 
a mistaken marriage. 

AU gifts and letters should be returned on both 
sides. The occurrence is an unfortunate one, but 
it is practically ended, and no one ever alludes to it 
to either of the persons interested. It b the duty 
of the mother of the young girl to write to friends 
and tell them the fact that the engagement is at an 
end, not giving any reasons, but stating that it is 
ended by mutual consent. 

Young people should observe strict etiquette during 
an engagement. They may not travel about alone 
nor may they go to public places without a chaperon. 
They do not make calls tc^ether except on relatives 
or very intimate friends. They must have the good 
taste not to make themselves conspicuous, in any 
way, by mutual devotion. 

Dignity, modesty and self-respect are among the 
best attributes of a womanly character, and a giri 
must remember that nothing is so destructive to hap- 
piness in marriage as a loss of respect for one another. 



[ 180 1 



CHAPTER XVIII 

WEDDING PREPARATIONS 

DIGNITY and simpKcity should characterize 
a wedding. Display or ostentation de- 
tracts from the solemnity of the occasion. 
It is not a social entertainment, but a religious cere- 
mony. In making preparations for the event, the 
bride-to-be may be led to think of the serious step 
she is taking rather than the gratifying of personal 
vanity and the effect to be produced on guests. To 
begin married life honestly without any straimng 
after display, without reckless expenditure, is the 
only honorable way to start. A wedding which is 
planned so that the expenses may not be more than 
the bride's parents can conveniently afford is the 
only sort of wedding compatible with true family 
dignity. 

A church wedding involves more trouble and ex- 
pense than a home ceremonial. Each is managed 
on the same general lines. The laws of etiquette 
require that a bride's family shall pay all the expenses 
of the wedding. The trousseau, invitations, house 
or church decorations, cost of opening the church, 
music, awnings, carriages for bridal party, marriage 

[ 131 ] . 



tSl^t €tf Qiiette of iBeto l^orfc tfo-Dap 

announcements, notices published in newspapers — 
all these are paid by the bride's parents or nearest 
reWive,. tL prijdpl. i. » TmUy e*.blM.ed 
that any departure from it would be an inexcusable 
breach of good form. 

The simplest wedding, with only relatives present 
and with the bride in a plain travelling dress, is 
perfectly dignified, either in a church or in the home 
of the bride's parents. 

The bridegroom is permitted to pay for nothing 
but the ring, the fee to the clergyman, bouquets to 
bride and bridesmaids, gifts to ushers and best man. 

The bride has the prerogative of naming the 
wedding day — ^it being presumed that the bridegroom 
has urged her to do so. She decides whether the 
wedding shall take place at a church or at home 
and chooses the clergyman who shall perform the 
ceremony. 

The bride chooses her bridesmaids from among 
her intimate friends and includes a sister of the 
bridegroom. Ushers are selected from among the 
friends of bride and brid^room; the best man is 
chosen by the bridegroom and is a brother or an inti- 
mate friend. If a bride's parents can well afford 
the expense, the bridesmaids* gowns are paid for by 
the bride; but, at least, it is her duty to choose a 
style of gown within the limits of her bridesmaids' 
means and which will be of use afterwards. At a 
day wedding in a church, brideaxudd* wear hat». 

[132] 



WthhittS ^t^arattonfi! 



At a home wedding they dispense with hats and 
wear pretty ornaments in the hair, wreaths or sprays 
of artificial flowers. A matron-of-honor is occa- 
sionally chosen if a bride has a very youthful married 
friend. At a recent fashionable wedding there were 
two matrons-of-honor, who walked together and 
preceded the maid-of-honor. As a general rule, un- 
married friends are chosen as attendants by both 
bride and bridegroom, although this rule is fre- 
quently infringed upon. 

"One of the chief duties of bridal attendants," 
remarked a bright woman, "is to keep their wits 
about them." They are expected to be useful as 
well as ornamental. On them depends much of 
the completeness of the wedding. The best man's 
duties are to be attentive to the interests and wishes 
of the bridegroom. He must accompany him to 
the church, enter the vestry with him, walk beside 
him, preceded by the clergyman when entering for 
the ceremony, stand at the bridegroom's left on the 
chancel step facing the assemblage awaiting the 
bride, and stand at the brid^room's right, a few 
paces back, during the ceremony. He keeps the 
wedding ring in his waistcoat pocket and gives it to 
the bridegroom at the required moment. He is en- 
trusted with the fee for the clergyman and may give 
it either before or after the ceremony, but in the 
vestry, not in the church. 

A bridegroom usually gives jewels to the bride. 

[133] 



W^ CtfQitette of HOi} |?orfc Qo-bap 

He gives scarf-pins to his best man and ushers and 
may give gloves and ties. The bride sends to them 
boutonni^res of her chosen flower. They send gifts 
to her, as do also her own attendants. 

A bridegroom gives a farewell bachelor dinner for 
his best man and ushers a few evenings before the 
wedding, taking care that nothing shaU occur to mar 
the dignity of the occasion. 

Whether the wedding is to be small or large, it is 
essential that careful lists should be made of the 
friends of both families, in order that no omissions 
may be made. Ample time — a month in advance — 
must be aUowed for having invitations engraved, 
addressed, and in readiness to issue two weeks before 
the wedding. For a home wedding a few intimate 
friends may be invited to the ceremony, and a re- 
ception following may include a larger number. It 
is customary to invite general acquaintances to a 
church wedding and to limit the number of guests 
for the reception, but the point is to be careful in 
drawing the line, because it may give ojffence to in- 
vite some and omit others. It is well to include all 
to whom one is indebted for hospitalities and to 
make the Ust as general as means and space wiU 
allow. The clergyman who is to perform the cere- 
mony is invited and his wife included. 

When a wedding is to be small and informal, the 
custom is for the bride's mother to write informal 
notes of invitation. These are sent to all friends and 

[ 134 ] 



WtW^infi ^teparattonis 



to friends of the bridegx'oom, although they may not 
be known personally to the bride's parents and may 
be at a distance and not expected to be able to be 
present. It is optional with them whether they shall 
come, but the courtesy of invitations is due to them. 

A bride who elects to be married in a travelling 
dress wears hat and gloves. She does not have 
bridesmaids. She may have a maid-of-honor who 
should not be dressed in white, but should wear a 
street or reception dress, hat and gloves. 

A bride who is a widow does not wear white or a 
veil and is not attended by bridesmaids. She wears 
gray or mauve, with a hat. Usually she chooses to 
be married in a travelUng dress. 

When a widow becomes engaged she continues 
to wear her wedding ring until the day of her second 
marriage, when she removes it and puts it away. 

Before the wedding day a bride usually gives a 
farewell luncheon to her bridesmaids, and on the 
occasion gives presents to them. These gifts are 
duplicates. 

An old-fashioned custom was for a bride-elect to 
seclude herself after the wedding invitations had 
been issued. At present a bride may have dinners, 
theatre parties, etc., given for her up to the very day 
before the wedding; she may be seen at the opera or 
on shopping expeditions, but it is in best taste to 
avoid being too conspicuous. 

A bridegroom provides the carriage for his best 

1 18S ] 



tE^e etiquette tA 0ti» |9orft ICo-iuip 

man and himself to go to the church or house on 
the wedding day. He may have the privil^e of 
^^ t^ cLg. wMdf U .„ Uke .^ bH^ «d 
himself from her father's house to the train after 
the wedding, but the bride's parents frequently pre- 
fer to provide this conveyance. The fee for the 
clergyman should be placed in an envelope, ad- 
dressed by the brid^room and entrusted to the best 
man on the wedding day. The fee should be gold, 
or fresh bank-notes, or a check. The amount de- 
pends on what can be a£Forded by the bridegroom. 
A rich man might give one hundred dollars, a man of 
moderate means twenty-five, and a man of more 
limited circumstances might give ten. It is not 
customary for a bridegroom who is a clergyman to 
offer a fee to the cleigyman who performs the mar- 
riage ceremony for him, but, if the bridegroom is a 
man of means it is a graceful axii to present a fee. 
As a rule, the clergy do not expect fees from each 
other, the etiquette being the same as that among 
physicians. 

It is the duty of the bride's family to make all the 
arrangements with the verger, or sexton, about open- 
ing the church, and with the organist about music. 
The sexton has charge of placing the awning and 
carpet from curb to entrance. At town weddings 
there is a man engaged whose duty it is to superin- 
tend the opening of carriage doors and to give checks 
to guests and coachmen to identify carriages. He 

[186] 



ll^ebbfns ^epatatiottf 



attends to engaging a man to collect cards of ad- 
mission from the guests. 

It is expected that the bridegroom shall call on the 
clergyman and be assured that his services may be 
had on the day and at the hour chosen by the bride. 
In some States it is necessary to obtain a marriage 
license and this must not be forgotten. If a bride- 
groom is not to be in town until the wedding day, 
it is courteous of him to write a note to the clergy- 
man mentioning the date and hour for the wedding 
and asking him if it wiU be convenient for him to 
perform the ceremony. The note is written as soon 
as the day hds been chosen. 

A father's duty is to escort his daughter into the 
church for the ceremony, lead her to meet the bride- 
groom, and give her away in the marriage ceremony* 
The custom of giving in marriage is neither a fashion 
nor a fad, nor a mere form. It touches the family 
life, marks the authority which a father has over 
his daughter and the claim which she has on a 
parent. There is something very impressive about 
it. The father gives his daughter in affection and 
confidence to the man of her choice, who should 
value and appreciate the trust and who is to guard 
and protect her in future. 

If a bride's father is not living and there is no 
brother or male relative to perform the duty, the 
bride's mother may give her away. The mother 
should enter the church before the bridal party and 

1 187 1 



1Sf)t etiquette of ^etu l^orit tibi-bap 

be escorted to a front pew by an usher. At a very 
pretty wedding recently the bride entered, walking 
alone» preceded by her maid-of-honor and brides- 
maids. The brid^room with his best man awaited 
her at the altar. At the proper time in the cere- 
mony the bride's mother advanced to the altar, gave 
away her daughter and returned to a front pew. 

If the bride's father is a clergjrman and is to offi- 
ciate at the wedding ceremony, her brother or a near 
relative escorts her into the church. 

Friendship, or whether one is under certain obli- 
gations to bride or bridegroom or their families for 
kindnesses or hospitalities, must often decide the 
question of sending a wedding gift. Those who 
are invited to a wedding reception usually send gifts. 
A gift depends on what amount the giver wishes to 
spend and what may suit the bride's taste and cir* 
cumstances. Silver is usually a good selection. It 
is wise never to give a picture, because few persons 
can make a selection in this line that will suit an- 
other's taste. Lamps, bric-a-brac cmd ornaments 
are doubtful gifts. A choice gold buckle, a card- 
case of white suMe with a precious stone set in the 
clasp, a parasol with a rare and handsome handle 
might be welcome gifts. It is usual to send a wed- 
ding gift directly from the shop where it is pur- 
chased; one's visiting card is enclosed in a small 
envelope and may be placed within the box contain-,' 
ing the gift. If the gift is for a friend in whom one ) 

1 188 I 



l^ebbtng ^reparattoifiS 



is specially interested one may write across the top 
of the card, " With best wishes," or, " With cordial 
congratulations," otherwise, it is best not to write 
anything. Gifts are sent to the bride even though 
she may not be known personally. 

The family of bride or bridegroom usually give to 
the bride the "small silver," the forks and spoons 
of different sizes and for general use. 

The present fashion is to display wedding gifts a 
day or two before the wedding, instead of on the 
wedding day. The bride-elect and her mother write 
informal notes, asking friends who have sent presents 
to come in on an afternoon designated. The gifts 
are arranged on tables and the cards of the givers are 
with the gifts. The tables are covered with fine 
linen table cloths, and it is a pretty fashion to have 
vases of flowers here and there. Silver, bric-a-brac, 
china and jewels may be arranged in separate groups, 
but it is desirable to place small gifts among the 
handsome ones so that the cdvers may not feel that 
their offerings have an inferior position. The in- 
formal serving of tea closes the afternoon. When 
wedding gifts are displayed on the wedding day, it 
is optional whether cards of the givers are with them. 
Some persons consider it best to remove the cards, 
while others, who are equally cognizant of good 
form, allow the cards to remain with the gifts. It is 
the invariable custom to have wedding gifts marked 
with the initials of a bride's maiden name. The 



Wbt CtiQitette oC Mttn |?orfc UMav 

gifts are sent to the bride before her marriage, before 
she is entitled to any other name but her own. Be- 
sides this reason they belong to her personally and 
are her possessions, to be used according to her 
preference. 

An important rule to be observed is that a bride- 
elect must write a cordial note to every one who 
sends a gift. To all of her future husband's friends 
and relatives, and to all whom she may not know 
personally, she must be careful to write, expressing 
her appreciation of their kind thought. Any failure 
to acknowledge their attentions by a courteous note 
is unpardonable. A card is not to be sent in ac- 
knowledgment. 

A bride often carries a small prayer-book, bound 
in ivory or white vellum, and she arranges with the 
clergyman that the marriage service is to be read 
from the book which she brings and returned to her 
after the ceremony. The book is then kept as a 
memento of the day. A bride always wears gloves 
and they should not be too tight-fitting, so that the 
left one may be quickly removed to allow of the ring 
being placed on the finger. White kid gloves are 
worn for the ceremony by a bride in travelling dress, 
but are changed for gloves of a dark shade before 
going away. 

The initials of bride and bridegroom and the date 
of the marriage are engraved within the wedding 
ring, which is of plain gold. Before the wedding 

I 1*0 ] 



^ebbtns $r^aratimu! 



ceremony the engagement ring may be placed tem- 
porarily on the third finger of the right hand. An 
engagement ring is worn over the wedding ring. 
The £:Iove on the ri£:ht hand of the bride or bride- 
^^j>. J^ved o, no,, wU. pligb«.g U» 
marriage vows. 

It is courteous for the bride's mother to write a 
note inviting the bridegroom's parents to stay at 
her house on the occasion of the wedding, if they are 
strangers coming from a distant town. If it is im- 
possible to acconunodate them at the house, rooms 
may be engaged for them at a hotel at the expense 
of the bride's parents. Some members of the family 
should be at the railway station to meet them when 
they arrive, and it should be the effort of the bride's 
parents to make their visit a pleasant one, realizmg 
that much of their daughter's future happiness may 
depend upon establishing agreeable relations be- 
tween the two families. 

If friends are expected by train for a country wed- 
ding, conveyances must meet them on arrival of the 
train and take them to the train on their depar- 
ture. 

The postponement of a wedding is considered un- 
lucky by most persons. In case of illness in a family, 
it is best to change the plans for an elaborate wed- 
ding, withdraw the invitations, and have a quiet 
marriage with no one present but near relatives. A 
formal note of this sort may be written : 

[141] 



fSbt Ctiqittette tA ^Ui |9odt tEo4MF 

Mr. and Mrs. Dash 

regret thai owing to illness 

in the family 

they are obliged to withdraw the invHations to 

the marriage of their daughter 

Janet 

and 

Mr. Wadsworih Hamilton 

The marriage will take place very quietly 

on February fifteenth 

An Easter luncheon given by a bride to her brides- 
maids was very charming in effect. The decora- 
tions of the luncheon table were a harmonious com- 
bination of white, yellow and violet. The floral 
centrepiece was of Easter lilies and yellow daffodils 
tied with streaming ribbons of yellow. At each 
place was a bunch of violets for each guest tied with 
a ribbon of the same hue. Each bridesmaid found 
at her place a card-case of white leather having on it 
her monogram in silver. The bride instituted a 
rather novel idea in having a bride's cake at this, her 
farewell luncheon, and as there were but six persons 
in all at the table, her bridesmaids and herself, she 
cut the cake in six portions. To each portion was 
attached white ribbon fastened to the cake by a 
pretty pin, each pin being an enamelled representa- 
tion of a flower. These pins, as well as the card- 

[142] 






cases mentioned, were gifts to the bridesmaids, and 
one was kept by the bride as a souvenir of the day. 
In cutting the cake she drew each piece towards her 
by its ribbon and presented it to the bridesmaid. 

Brooches, lockets, pendants or bracelets are fa- 
vorite gifts from a bride to her bridesmaids. 

A bride's gift to the bridegroom may be a jewelled 
scarf-pin, or sets of studs, sleeve links, a dressing 
case with silver-mounted toilet brushes, etc., or a 
choice editioil of the books of a favorite author. 

If a rehearsal of the correct grouping for a wed- 
ding ceremonial is desired it is arranged to take place 
a few evenings before the wedding. The men wear 
evening dress and if it is to be in a church the girls 
wear reception dresses and hats. The necessary de- 
tails are conducted with dignified quiet and interest. 
Later there may be an informal supper at the bride's 
home. 



[143] 



CHAPTER XIX 

A BRIDE'S TROUSSEAU AND HOUSEHOLD 

UNEN 

THE choice of a trousseau depends on circum- 
stances and what will be the future position 
of the young matron. If Alice is to live in 
a secluded coimtry neighborhood she will need less 
than Gladys who is to live in a large city where her 
husband's position will require her to meet many 
social obligations. In every case there must be a 
variety of necessities; in some cases there may be 
reason for economy. An important point to con- 
sider is what amount a bride's parents can reason- 
ably a£Ford for the trousseau. It must be under- 
stood that a bride's trousseau is always given by her 
parents, or it may be given by a near relative of her 
own family, but she cannot with propriety or dignity 
accept such a gift from others. 

It is natural for a girl to wish for a bridal gown» 
and there is nothing more charmmg than a bride in 
all the bravery of her wedding attire. It is only 
reasonable that a girl should have all that she can 
afford on such an occasion, but it would be folly to 
go to the expense of a costly wedding gown if there 
would be no use for it in the future. 

[U4] 



SSL jBx^t^i Wttmiitm anb Hoitisei^oUi It 

The rapid change in fashions makes it advisable 
to purchase only the dresses needed for a season. 
There is wisdom in having an amount of money 
saved for future expenditures, so that all may not be 
exhausted hastily and the young wife need not be 
obliged to ask her husband too soon for a supply of 
funds. 

The wedding gown is usually of satin, crepe de 
Chine, chiffon or lace. In London white velvet is 
sometimes used. White moire or brocade are new 
fabrics for bridal gowns. A weddmg gown for a 
girlish bride may be of finest organdy. Made with 
a detachable yoke of lace it will serve afterwards for 
evening wear; for the wedding gown must be worn 
high in the neck. 

A bride in the simplest white gown and having 
the most informal sort of a wedding is entitled to 
wear a veil as a prerogative and a distinctive feature. 
The veil and orange blossoms may be worn but once 
in a lifetime. Why not wear them on this day of 
days? A girl loves the sentiment as well as the be- 
comingness of a bridal veil and keeps it with her 
orange blossoms as a memento of the sweet and 
sacred time when she plighted her troth in marriage. 
At a recent wedding the girlish bride wore the orange 
blossoms which her mother had worn twenty years 
ago and which had been so treasured that they had 
lost none of their freshness. 

To return to practical hints, a tulle veil is not 

[ 145] 



tEfie CtiQitette tA ^tn |9orit tRMup 

costly. Two yards and a half will be sufficient to 
drape gracefully to the end of the train of the gown. 
White slippers and silk stockings, and gloves of white 
kid are necessaiy with a white bridal gown. 

If a so-caUed traveUing dress of light color is pre- 
ferred for the ceremony, one which will do duty 
later as a visiting gown is chosen, and a pretty hat 
to harmonize with it. These are changed for a 
plainer **going-away" gown and plainer hat before 
leaving for the journey. 

A recent bride wore a gown of pale-gray voile, a 
hat with foliage and white roses, and carried a bou- 
quet of white lilacs. Her bridesmaid — a single one 
being now allowable for a bride in travelling attire — 
wore a biscuit-colored voile, a black hat, and carried 
a bunch of pink roses. 

K a real travelling gown is worn for the ceremony, 
it is chosen with discretion and with the intention 
of being inconspicuous while travelling. Gray, tan, 
brown or blue are suitable colors. A hat not over- 
trimmed, gray or tan suMe gloves, and shoes of 
patent leather are appropriate. 

One or two evening dresses would seem essential 
in a trousseau and if one is of black lace or net it will 
be useful. An evening wrap would be necessary. 
A plain cloth gown is needed for travelling, and 
street wear; another gown of fine cloth of a light 
shade for visiting, luncheons and receptions. A 
dress for days at home may be of chiffon-cloth or 

[146] 



!a UrOie'tf tEvmiitm anb ^ottiseliDUi Itnen 

crepe de Chine, of pale blue, rose or silver gray, high 
in the neck. Two frocks for evening wear at home 
would seem essential. A good supply of waists of 
mull, batiste and silk should be chosen. Dressing 
jackets of silk or flannel, and a lounging gown of 
cashmere or silk may be added, these to be worn in 
one's bedroom, be it understood, and not elsewhere. 

In Paris the expositi/m du trausseau at the home 
of the bride-elect is sometimes given for intimate 
friends. There may be boxes filled with yards and 
yards of exquisite lace, point d'Alen9on, point 
d'Angleterre and rare Chantilly. Jewels, furs, 
dresses for street, visiting, dinners and balls; hats, 
cloaks, night-dresses, peignoirs^ maiinSeSf wrappers, 
parasols, fans and silk stockings are displayed. 

It is not the fashion now to buy dozens of under* 
garments and put them away, as they turn yellow 
if not used. One dozen of each kind of undergar- 
ment would be a supply for a bride in moderate 
circumstances. Shoes, slippers, corsets, gloves, hats, 
umbrellas, and parasols, silk petticoats should be on 
the list, with as many dozen handkerchiefs and 
stockings as can be a£forded. 

Even though the outlay cannot be extensive a 
certain amount of house linen should be part of every 
bride's possessions. Sheets and pillow cases with 
plain hems or with hemstitching may be purchased. 
Towels with finished hems are very serviceable. 
Fringed towels are usually in better quality. Towels 

[147] 



tB^e CtiQitette of ^to fSmk tE^-liap 

should be of ample size, at least a yard in length and 
about three-quarters in width. Six sheets, six pil- 
low cases and the same number of bolster cases 
should be allowed for each bed. Six dozen towels 
would seem a very moderate supply in beginning 
housekeeping. 

Of table linen there should be six table-cloths and 
six dozen napkins, large and small. Two yards 
square is the usual size for a table-cloth for a small 
family; two and one-half yards for a table laige 
enough for six or eight persons. It is well to have 
a handsome cloth with napkins to match for dinner 
parties. The finest table linen is not covered with 
elaborate designs. A scattered design is often on 
a cloth showing the fine texture of the linen. Floral 
designs, with the pattern repeated in a circle or 
square which shows when laid on the table, are very 
pretty. Table napkins vary in size from five-eighths, 
three-quarters to seven-eighths of a yard square, the 
smaller ones being for breakfast or luncheon, the 
larger for dinner. 

A few embroidered centrepieces, white linen side- 
board covers with hemstitching or drawn-work, and 
a dozen or more dainty doilies of drawn-work are 
aUractive additions. The Usts suggested are sub- 
ject always to amplification. 

White embroidery is the best taste for marking 
linen. Ink is never used. Monograms from an 
inch to two inches long are used. On table linen 

[148] 



9 Pttbe'tf Wvowiitm anb ^ottiBEefioDi linen 

the initials are placed near the hem, across one 
comer, or on napkins they may be in the centre to 
show when folded. On sheets and pillow cases they 
are placed over the centre of the hem. Two pairs 
of pillow shams should be allowed for each bed and 
four spreads if one intends to have the beds covered 
in white in the neat and simple custom. Pillow 
shams have the initial or monogram embroidered in 
the centre. K one proposes to be in accord with the 
new fashions, there may be coverlets of lace or of 
colored silk or of cream-colored linen, embroidered 
in graceful floral designs in color and bordered with 
an effective lace, or a spread may be of an inex- 
pensive armure in a quiet tone of color to harmon- 
ize with one's furnishings. A monogram may be 
worked in the centre just below the pillows. These 
ornamental spreads may be drawn up over the 
bolster and pillows in the daytime, but more fre- 
quently the pillows are removed during the day and 
the embroidered spread is laid over the bed and 
bcdster. Dull blue or pink and green, worked in a 
geometric pattern on cream linen, is a pretty style. 

A bride who takes special pride in her supply of 
household linen will tie up each set with a narrow 
ribbon and lay with each a sachet that has been filled 
with lavender. 

It is usual for a bride to have her clothing, linen 
and silver marked with the initials or monogram of 
her maiden name. 

;[ 149 I 



CHAPTER XX 

NOVELTIES AT WEDDINGS 

BRIDES who prefer to depart from conven- 
tional customs and choose something dis- 
tinctively picturesque need not hesitate to 
exercise their ingenuity to devise original ideas. In 
regard to veils, an odd fancy of a recent bride was 
the wearing of two veils. One was of tulle draped to 
fall the entire length of her skirt and down the sides as 
w:ell. Over this was worn a smaU veil of rare and 
exquisite lace, square in shape, with one point falling 
over her forehead like a Marie Stuart coif. Another 
bride wore a veil of finest chiffon, edged with silver 
and caught to the head with a tiny wreath of orange 
blossoms, a string of pearls and a diamond pin. A 
veil of tulle tied in a broad bow, wired to keep it in 
place, was worn by another. 

A pretty sentiment was the wearing by a bride of 
her mother's wedding dress, altered to suit modem 
fashion. 

A recent bride wore a tulle veil shimmering with 
crystal dewdrops and fastened with a pearl and dia- 
mond tiara. Another wore a lace veil, a tiara of 
diamond stars, with a cluster of orange blossoms in 
her hair at the back. A simpler and prettier style 

I leo ] 



Bobelttos at WRAhinqfi 



was adopted by a bride who had her tulle veil draped 
ovei a crown of natural orange blossoms. 

Brides are fortunate who have wedding veils of 
rare old lace worn by brides of their family in other 
generations, or lace flounces which may be attached 
to a central piece of tulle and arranged in a veil. 
Orange blossoms are the only artificial flowers ever 
worn by a bride. Fresh gardenias are occasionally 
chosen, although their intense fragrance is oppres- 
sive. Lilies-of-the-valley or white orchids are worn, 
or wreaths of myrtle or white heather. 

The high arrangement of the hair for draping a 
wedding veil is preferred, the low coiflFure being con- 
sidered lacking in style. 

A veil of tulle is always exquisite in its airy beauty 
and its cloud-like daintiness is so becoming that it 
never loses favor. 

Veils are not worn over the face. There is too 
great risk in spoiling the effect of a bride's looks 
when the dr^,pery is thrown back after the ceremony; 
for unless this is gracefully done and hair has been 
very well arranged the hair may seem crushed down 
and a bride may present a forlorn appearance. 

The "shower bouquet" is preferred by some 
brides, this pretty style being effected by innumer- 
able narrow satin ribbons falling from the bouquet, 
trailing down and knotted with blossoms, making a 
shower all the way to the foot of the skirt. 

Instead of a shower bouquet a bride sometimes 

1 161 J 



dPde etiquette of ^to |?ark <Eo-)uip 

carries a "sheaf" of lilies-of-the-valley, or hya- 
cinths, or white orchids, or carries on the right arm 
some long-stemmed "bride" roses. A new idea is 
to tie the flowers with white tuUe or chi£Pon. 

Some brides prefer to carry an ivory-bomid prayer- 
book. A new fashion is to carry a mother-of-peari 
fan suspended by a white ribbon. 

A recent bride had a round, stiff bouquet of gar- 
denias and white roses, surrounded by a frill of lace 
and a fringe of delicate ferns. This sort of a bou- 
quet is the usual fashion in Paris. 

Loose clusters of a favorite white flower are fre- 
quently preferred to stiff bouquets. White lilies and 
orchids or small branches of white lilacs are fre- 
quently carried. 

At a recent wedding the bride's bouquet was made 
in six separate parts tied together by a white satin 
ribbon. When she was going away she threw the 
bouquet among her six bridesmaids, the ribbon 
which bound the six separate bouquets together 
having been removed, and thus to each bridesmaid 
fell a share of the flowers. In each part was hidden 
a coin, a ring or a charm, indicating that the coin 
would bring wealth, the ring a wedding, and the 
charm good luck. 

Clusters of long-stemmed red roses tied with wide 
white satin ribbon were carried at a recent wedding 
by bridesmaids, who held the bouquets in both hands, 
the stems being held a little above the waist line and 

I 152 ]. 



i^beltietf at WRtWnsi 



the clusters of flowers hanging down the front of the 
skirts. 

Bridesmaids at a recent wedding carried bunches 
of delicate ferns. At another wedding the brides- 
maids carried armfuls of long-stemmed pink roses 
tied with broad pink satin ribbons. When bouquets 
are carried the fashion is to hold them low down, 
far below the waist line. 

Ebony sticks with bunches of flowers at the tops 
were chosen by a bride for her bridesmaids. Muffs 
of brown tulle over pink satin with sprays of pink 
roses caught in the centre were chosen by another. 
Muffs made of ruffles of violet chiffon, with clusters 
of natural violets fastened lavishly over the muffs 
were an original selection. 

Flowers are usually preferred, as a rule, for brides- 
maids. Bouquets of lilies-of-the-valley, or of white 
or pink roses are liked. Chrysanthemums are used 
at autunm weddings. Sweet-peas, white lilacs or 
daisies appear in bouquets in spring. 

The conventional custom was recently changed by 
a bride of having the bridesmaids enter from the main 
entrance of the church. The twelve ushers ad- 
vanced up the centre aisle to the chancel, where they 
ranged themselves in two rows, and the four brides- 
maids, who had entered at the side of the church, 
came forward from the chancel and walked down 
the centre aisle, meeting the maid-of-honor and the 
bride at the entrance. The bridesmaids then turned, 

1 163 ] 



V^ €tivuttt of ^tai l^orfc So-liap 

taking their places, two and two, in advance of the 
maid-of-honor, who preceded the bride, who fol- 
lowed, according to the unchanging custom, with 
her father. All the bridesmaids wore white dresses, 
but there was a mark of distinction in the attire of 
the maid-of-honor, who wore a white lace hat with 
ostrich plumes, and carried a basket fiUed with 
lilies-of-the-valley, while the bridesmaids wore short 
tulle veil,, fasten^ with white ostrich tips and carried 
bouquets of camellias, lilies and maidenhair fern. 

The bridesmaids at a recent wedding wore gowns 
of white crepe de Chine, hats of white straw trimmed 
with pink roses and deep-green foliage, and carried 
bouquets of pink roses tied with pale-green satin 
ribbon. 

White silk dresses trimmed with lace and soft 
sashes of crepe de Chine of a shade to match the 
bouquet of each bridesmaid were chosen for three 
bridesmaids at another wedding, the bouquets being 
respectively of pink carnations, tea roses and mignon- 
ette. The hats were of white straw with white 
ostrich plumes and tulle. 

A recent bride had her bridesmaids dressed in 
white silk gowns veiled with chiffon, the bodices 
being of lace with high waist-bands of turquoise 
blue silk; quaint fichus of embroidered chiffon were 
worn, caught up with blue rosettes. The hats were 
of coarse black straw with black ostrich feathers, 
tulle and forget-me-nots. The bouquets were of 

[ 164 ] 



JtobettieK at 



-••m lui- 



mignonette and white roses. An idea for a late 
autumn wedding is to have the bridesmaids wear 
white gowns and cany bouquets of yellow chrysan- 
themums and wear black hats with black ostrich 
plumes. 

At a spring wedding, a maid-of-honor whose hair 
had tints of palest blonde and whose complexion 
was the perfection of white and rose looked exqui- 
sitely pretty in a gown of white, with a sash of lemon 
yellow, a broad hat of white chifiFon with a cluster of 
artificial white jonquils with yellow centres and long 
green leaves. In her hand she carried a bunch of 
natural jonquils. 

At a London wedding the bridesmaids wore blue 
sUk gowns with cavaUer capes of blue chiflfon velvet, 
blue chiffon hats with blue ostrich plumes and each 
carried a sheaf of Easter lilies. 

Leaf-green chiffon gowns, little coats of lace, 
girdles of green satin, picture hats of lace with the 
crowns wreathed with light-green leaves, made an- 
other color scheme at a wedding, the bouquets being 
of maidenhair fern. 

Picture hats of pale blue and mauve tulle, with 
large roses shading from palest blue to mauve were 
worn by bridesmaids whose gowns were of mauve 
chiffon over blue silk. Lace boleros over waistcoats 
of pale-blue velvet embroidered in violets were worn 
and bouquets of violets were carried. 

Cream-white gowns, black picture hats, bouquets 

I 166 ] 



V^e CtfQttette of ^eto |?orit tKMup 



of flame-colored tulips tied with ribbons of the 
same hue, were chosen by a bride for her attendants. 
Another selected pale-blue crepe de Chine» burnt- 
straw hats with black feathers, bouquets of pink 
azaleas tied with pale blue. As a rule the maid-of« 
honor wears a distinctive gown of a pale color to 
harmonize with the general color scheme. 

Wreaths of roses, lilies or chaplets of green 
leaves, with short tulle vdls may be worn by brides- 
maids for church or house weddings. 

A picturesque idea at a wedding was in having 
pages and Uttie girls dressed in costumes copied 
from Van Dyck's famous painting of the children of 
Charles I. The boys wore coats and knee-breeches 
of cream cloth, deep collars and cuffs of guipure 
lace. Their coats were embroidered in gold. White 
silk stockings and white shoes with large white ro- 
settes were worn. The Uttie giris wore cieam satin 
frocks, lace collars and cuffs, aprons of finest or- 
gandy and sashes of gold tissue. On their heads 
the girls wore quaint, close-fitting caps or bonnets 
of gold tissue. The children preceded the bride, 
walking hand in hand up the aisle of the church. 

At a mihtary wedding the bride's cake was cut with 
a sword, but7his innovation seems a trifle warlike. 

A novel way to form an aisle at a home wedding 
is to have the white satin ribbons held in place by 
short white and gold columns, "topped" with 
bimches of lilies tied with bows of white satin. 

[ 156 ]| 



CHAPTER XXI 

SENTIMENT AND TRADITION IN WEDDING 

CUSTOMS 

SENTIMENT and tradition are combined in 
the use of bridal flowers. Orange blossoms 
have long held their place as favorite em- 
blems of happiness and prosperity, and these flowers 
were chosen by the ancients. Myrtle is an emblem 
of purity and the bride in ancient Rome wore a 
wreath of roses and myrtle, the rose being symbolic 
of love. In some parts of Germany wreaths of ver- 
^bena are worn by brides. In Greece the altar is 
draped with ivy and branches of the vme are given 
to the bride and bridegroom as symbols of the bind- 
ing tie of marriage. The Grecian bride some- 
toe, ,»„ . ^ of hy»infc 

Brides who wish to be lucky always comply with 
the well-known adage in wearing 

Something old and something new. 
Something borrowed and something blue. 

An old rhyme guides many a bride in the choice 
of a wedding day: 

[ 157 ] 



Wfit CttQitttte tA ^to |?orfc t[o-bap 

Monday for health, 

Tuesday for wealth, 
Wednesday the best day of all, 

Thursday for crosses, 

Friday for losses. 
And Saturday no luck at all. 

Yet custom and convenience have abolished the 
old superstition about the day of the week, and Sat- 
urday is frequently chosen. Instances are known 
where the bride choosinc: the day in defiance of the 
old ,^ ■». ,„e. wift^p^pjy. wM. ««, bride 
who conformed to the rule in the selection of the 
"best day of all" met with sad reverses of fortune. 

Another tradition which is not always true in its 
fulfihnent, is: 

Who changes the name and not the letter. 
Marries for worse and not for better. 

And still another which is foreboding and which 
originated, no doubt, as a warning to those who 
would bid defiance to proper custom, runs thus: 

If married in Lent 
You are sure to repent. 

It is said that a bride who would be lucky must 
not try on the entire wedding costume, veil and all, 
before the time to dress for the ceremony; nor would 
she permit the bridegroom to see her in her bridal 

[168] 



«1 

1 



Q^rabttton in WSLAhinz CusHomsi 

array until he meets her at the altar, or until very 
near that hour. 

The month of May has long been regarded as un- 
lucky for weddings, yet often this old superstition is 
cast aside and with happy results, and the ill-luck is 
now supposed to be removed from the month which 
is one of the loveliest of the year. 

The bridesmaid who is so fortunate as to catch the 
bride's bouquet when she tosses it among the brides- 
maids before going away, will be the first one to be 
married. 

An old saying is "three times a bridesmaid never 
a bride," yet a popular girl may be chosen and may 
accept in spite of this rule, but must then serve seven 
or nine times as bridesmaid if she would dispel the 
superstition. 

Strange as it may seem a few tears shed by a bride 
on the wedding day are supposed to signify happi- 
ness in future. 

"Happy is the bride that the sim shines on," runs 
the old adage, yet we are inclined to believe that a 
bride's joy rests not merely on outward weather 
signs. .True affection, hope and trust make a radi- 
ance of sunshine on the eventful day that joins two 
lives in marriage. 



1 169 ] 




CHAPTER XXII 

WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCE- 

MENTS 

IDDING invitations aie issued invari- 
ably in the names of a bride's parents 
or near relatives, and are sent out not 
later than two weeks in advance of the date for the 
marriage. The invitations are engraved on heavy 
white paper of fine quality, unglazed, in kid or parch- 
ment finish, as a rule, and without monc^ram, crest 
or device, although the family crest is sometimes 
embossed in white. The average size of the paper 
is seven inches long by six wide. The preferred 
style of lettering is plain script, although Roman 
letters are used, or Old English, occasionally. The 
invitation is folded once to fit the inner envelope, 
which is without mucilage and left unsealed, and is 
addressed with the name only. The outer envelope 
has mucilage, and is sealed, stamped and addressed 
in full. 

I If the invitations are to be delivered by a messen- 
ger one envelope is used and is left unsealed and is 
addressed only with the name and street address. 
The preferred formula is to have a blank space 

[160] 



.^_^-^- 



Itibttattontf anb iSlntumncementtf 



on the invitation and on the card of admission to the 
church, and the name of the guest written in by 
hand. The form is: 

Mr. and Mrs, Livingston Morton 
request the honour of 



presence at the marriage of their daughter 

Alice Maud 

to 

V*" Winthrop Huntington 

on Wednesday f the fifth of April 

at half after three 6*dock 

at Orace Church 

On the card of admission to the church the name 
of the guest is written where the line is here indi- 
cated: 

will please present this card 

at Orace Church 

Broadway and Tenth Street 

on Wednesday^ the fifth of April 

The reception card has a blank space, where the 
name of the guest is written: 

[ 161 ] 



QPbe ttkputtt of Btis^ f^atk tEb-tuip 

Mr. and Mrs. Livingston Morton 
request the pleasure of 



company on Wednesday, the fifth of April 

at four o*clock 
at Twenty-six West Twentieth Street 

A fonn which may be used is: 

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Alexander 

request the honour of your presence 

at the marriage of their daughter 

Louise 

to 

Mr. Walter Richmond Murray 

an Thursday, the tenth of December 

at twelve o'clock 

Church of the Incarnation 

With the invitation is enclosed a card: 

Please present this card 
at the Church of the Incarnation 
Madison Avenue and Thirty-fifth Street 
on Thursday, the tenth of December 

Fashion decrees that the word "honor" should be 
spelled "honour," according to English usage» that 

[162] 



Wi^im Sttbttottontf aiti) iHntuntncetnenttf 

there should be little or no punctuation and that the 
word New York should be omitted on invitations to 
weddings occurring there. 

An invitation to a wedding breakfast following a 
mid-day church wedding is according to the same 
rule as for a wedding reception, the words " at break- 
fast" being included in the regular formula. 

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Alexander 
request the jdea>sure of your company 

at breakfast 
on Thursday, the tenth of December 
at half after twelve 6*clock 
at Twenty-two Madison Avenue 

If a bride has but one parent living invitations are 
in the name of the parent. If a bride is an orphan, 
invitations are issued by her nearest relatives, who 
may be grandparents, brother, elder sisters, married 
sister, uncle or aunt, or cousins. If her mother has 
married again, the invitations are in the name of 
her mother and stepfather, the words "their daugh- 
ter " being used and the bride's fuU name given. In 
the caCse of a married sister and her husband issuing 
the cards, the words "their sister" are used. 

For a home wedding the form used is, "request 
the honour of your company," instead of " the honour 
of your presence," as for a church ceremony, and it 
is obvious that no reception card is required: 

[163] 



Q^ CtfQttette of UsSa |9otfc tEo*luip 

Mt8. JaTTies King 
requests the honour of 

company at the marriage of her daughJter 

Eleanor 

to 

Mr, John Winslow Foster 

on the afternoon of Tuesday ^ the fifth of June 

at half after three o^clock 

at Mantview 

Irvifigton-on-Hudson^ New York 

If a wedding is to take place at home» with only 
near relatives present and a general reception follow- 
ing, invitations to the ceremony may be written 
notes, and an engraved invitation sent for the re- 
ception, thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. Henry Atherton 

request the pleasure of your company 

at the wedding reception of their sister 

Isabel Barney 

and 

Mr. Arthur Ernest MaiUand 

on Wednesday, the fifth of April 

at half after four o'clock 

at Braeside 

Short Hills, New Jersey 
[164] 



r 



QRRebbtns SnbttatiotMS anb i3tmottntementie( 

With out-of-town wedding invitations a card is 

enclosed indicating the trains to and from the place, 

thus: 

A train on the 

New York Central and Hudson River Railroad 

will leave Grand Central Stationy New York 

at two-ten p. m. 

Returning trains will leave Irvington 

at five-three and six-twelve p. m, 

A special car is often engaged by the bride's 
parents to take guests to an out-of-town wedding. 
It is attached to the regular train. Cards admitting 
the guests to this car must be enclosed to them. If 
there is not a special car, a card on which may be 
engraved or written information in regard to trains 
may be sent. It is not necessary to send tickets for 
an ordinary train to guests, but conveyances must be 
provided at the expense of the bride's parents to 
meet guests at the station and take them to and from 
the house on arrival and departure of trains. 

Thoughtfulness in providing for the convenience 
of guests is of importance. Attention to every 
detail in the arrangements for a wedding is essential. 

Occasionally, and where expense is not to be con- 
sidered, a special train is chartered and this plan is 
the perfection of comfort and pleasure for an occa- 
sion of the sort. A card is then enclosed with the 
invitation bearing the complete information, thus: 

[166] 



Vbt CtiQitette of Bttn fBotk tEo-bap 

Boat for special train wiU leave New York 
from foot of West TwerUy4hird Street^ Erie Ferry 

at eleven a. m. 

The train reluming will leave Tv/xedo 

ai three-thirty p. m., reaching New York at 

four-thirty p. m. 
Please present this card at the Ferry 
and to the conductor 

When a home wedding is to be very informal 
notes of invitation may be written by the bride's 
mother. The following form may be su^estive, 
although notes must differ necessarily, acx^ording 
to circumstances and the existing relations between 
the writer and the person addressed: 

My dear Mrs. Morris- 

My daughter Mildred is to he married to 
Mr, Henry Cruger White on Tuesday y the fourth of 
Aprils at twelve o^clock^ and it will give Mr. Stanton 
and me much pleasure if you and Mr. Morris wUl 

come. 

Yours sincerely, 

Emily Post Stanton. 

If writing to the bridegroom's mother one might 
say, " Will you and Mr. Morris come to the very in- 
formal wedding of my daughter, Mildred, and your 
son, on Tuesday, etc." 

[ 166 ]. 



QiSebbms Inbttatumis anb ^tmmmumtvAsi 

Young girls may be included in notes of invitation 
to the parents by using the formula given and the 
words, "you and Mr. Morris and your daughters 
will come." 

For an informal church wedding with a smaU re- 
ception to follow, the same general form may be 
used, the name of the church being included and the 
words substituted, "Mr. Stanton and I hope that 
you and Mr. Morris will come, and that we may 
have the pleasure of seeing you, after the ceremony, 
at our home at a very informal reception at half 
after twelve o'clock." 

If preferred the notes for a home wedding may be 
written in the form given for engraved invitations. 

The professional title of a physician or a clergy- 
man is used as a prefix without abbreviation, on in- 
vitations or announcements, thus: Doctor William 
Post; Reverend John Sedgwick. An oflScer in the 
Army or Navy above the rank of a lieutenant has 
his title as a prefix. The rule is that an officer be- 
low that rank should have the name thus: 

Mr. Reginald Ramsay 
LievtenanJt United States Navy 

Wedding invitations and marriage announcements 
are addressed separately to Mr. and Mrs. Greorge 
Brown» one to the Misses Brown, and one to each 
young man in the family. 

At a double wedding a separate ceremony is per- 

[167] 



tEtie etiquette of ^to |9orfc Qd-iuip 

fonned for each couple, and separate announcements 
are sent out when two sisters have been married. 

The term ''marriage announcements" must not 
be confused in the mind with wedding invitations. 
Announcements are issued after a wedding, and are 
forms sent to notify those who were not invited to a 
wedding of a bride's change of name and estate. 
The announcements are engraved on note paper of 
the same sort used for invitations. They are in the 
name of a bride's parents or nearest relatives. 

The best form is to have a space left in the en- 
graved plate and the name of those to whom the 
notice is sent written in by hand. This form seems 
especially courteous as it indicates a personal atten- 
tion. The new form is: 

Mr. and Mrs. Waiter Beekman 
have the honour of announcing to 



ihe marriage of their daughter 

Caroline 

to 

Mr. John Henry Wolcott 

on the morning of Thursday^ the nineteenth of April 

One thousand^ nine hundred and seven 

at the Chantry of Grace Church 

in the City of New York 
[168] 



l^bbtns Stibttottotifi; anb ^vaummtrntvAi 



«M 



When a marriage has occurred in the city of New 
York the latest fashion is to conclude the form of 
announcement with the line. 

In the City of New York 

This is not done where the name of a city and 
State are not similar. 

The foUowing form indicates the manner in which 
near relatives may issue an announcement: 

Mr. and Mrs. Duncan Woodward 

announce the marriage of their niece 

Janet ChurchiU Howland 

to 

Doctor Langdon Floyd 

on Wednesday, the sixth of June 

Nineteen hundred and seven 

at Wind Crest 

Lenox, Massa4ihusetts 

The year is always given in an annoimcement, 
never in an invitation. A popular form is to indi- 
cate the year thus: 

One thousand, nine hundred and seven, 

A form which is in favor is: 

[169] 



Mr. and Mrs. Wadaworth 

have the honour of 

announcing the marriage of their daughter 

Lillian 

to 

Mr. Richard Morris Delafield 

on Tuesday, the fifth of June 

One thousand nine hundred and seven 

at Inverness, Bayshore, Long Island 

When a widow marries again parents or near 
relatives issue the announcement. A young widow 
should follow this custom, and even an older woman 
who has a strict regard for conventionaUties often 
adheres to this rule. 

In this case the widow-bride's name is given thus: 
Mrs. Katherine Robinson Douglas. 

Careless mistakes sometimes occur in publishing 
a marriage notice in a newspaper. It is incorrect to 
say, " daughter of Mr. and Mrs." The proper form 
is "daughter of Greorge Brown," or, if the father is 
not living, "the late George Brown." The mother's 
name is not included. 



[170] 



CHAPTER XXIII 

CHURCH WEDDINGS 

THE preferred hours for weddings are mid- 
day or afternoon. 
Ushers are a necessary part of a church 
wedding. They are supplied with lists of relatives 
and friends who' are to be placed in reserved seats. 
They must be at the church before the arrival of 
guests to see that everything is in order. They may 
mark ofiF a number of reserved pews with a white rib- 
bon, this being arranged so that it can be dropped 
and replaced with ease. As guests arrive an usher 
offers his right arm to a lady and escorts her to a 
seat. The families of the bride and bridegroom ar- 
rive just before the ceremony and are shown to front 
seats. Pews on the left are for the bride's relatives, 
on the right for those of the bridegroom. 

The bride's parents send carriages for the brides- 
maids on the wedding day. The bouquets, which 
may have been sent to the house by the brid^room, 
are then distributed. The bridesmaids, having as- 
sembled at the bride's home, are conveyed thence to 
the church and await the bride in the vestibule or 
church porch. 

[HI] 



tC^e CtfQttette of Bttn |?ork tEo4uip 

The bride goes to the church m a carriage with 
her father. 

The rule that women should have their heads 
covered in church has its authority in the Bible. The 
custom is considered in the best taste in the present 
day. The bride wears her veil, the bridesmaids wear 
hats and all the women, whether relatives or friends, 
wear reception dresses and hats. 

The hats belonging to the men of the bridal party 
may be left in the vestibule in charge of the sexton or 
verger. The hats are not carried into the church. 

The bridegroom and best man arrive at the church 
together shortly before the bridal party. They fol- 
low the clergyman from the vestry-room when he 
enters for the ceremony, and they stand on the 
chancel step facing guests and awaiting the bride, 
the bridegroom being in advance. 

When the bridal party is about to arrive an usher 
removes the ribbon from across the aisle. The doors 
of the church are closed, the procession forms in the 
vestibule, and, at a signal, the music of the wedding 
march is heard, the doors are opened and the proces- 
sion advances. The ushers walk two and two; the 
bridesmaids two and two; the maid-of-honor alone, 
in advance of the bride, who enters last, leaning on 
the arm of her father, or brother or nearest male rela- 
tive, having driven in a carriage to the church with 
him. Arriving at the chancel, the ushers go to right 
and left and may remain below the chancel steps; 

I 172 ] 



Ctittrcti MebbingpBt 



the bridesmaids pass forward, taking their places 
one in advance of the other, on each side of the 
chancel, the maid-of-honor standing at the left of 
where the bride will be, in readiness to oflFer any 
assistance during the ceremony, such as holding the 
bride's bouquet and glove and arranging her veil and 
train gracefully when she is about to leave the altar. 
The bridegroom meets the bride at the chancel step 
and receives her from her father, and leads her for- 
ward to where the clergyman stands. 

A very impressive custom sometimes observed is 
for the entire group to stand below the chancel step 
while the clergyman reads the opening of the mar- 
riage service as far as, "If any man can show just 
cause why they may not be joined together, etc., 
etc. — " The bride and bridegroom then move for- 
ward to the chancel rail, the bridesmaids and best 
man advancing to their places, while the choir sings 
a wedding hynm, "The Voice that breathed o'er 
Eden," or, "O perfect Love, all human thoughts 
transcending." Bride and bridegroom kneel for a 
brief prayer and then rise. The bride is at the left 
of the bridegroom during the ceremony. The best 
man is then at the right of the bridegroom, a few 
paces back. The bride's father stands back of the 
bridal pair. When the clergyman asks, " Who giv- 
eth this woman to be married to this man?" the 
bride's father advances, takes her right hand, places 
it in that of the clergyman, who places it in the 

[173] 



ISbt CtiQttette of Bttn |?orfc (Eo-iiap 

right hand of the bridegroom for the plighting of 
the troth. Having finished this duty the bride's father 
retires to the front pew where the bride's mother is, 
whom he escorts later from the church. 

The wedding ring is in the care of the best man» 
and at the proper time for the giving of the ring, the 
bride hands her glove and bouquet to the maid-of- 
honor, the best man gives the ring to the bride- 
groom, who passes it to the bride, and she gives it to 
the clergyman, who returns it to the bridegroom to 
place on the third finger of the bride's left hand. 
The circle thus formed is a symbol, as is the ring, of 
the endless contract made in marriage. 

The best man has charge of the ring because he is 
supposed to think of everything for the bridegroom 
on the wedding day. A best man must not forget 
the ring as one did, or leave it at a hotel, so that the 
ring was not forthcoming when needed in the cere- 
mony and, after a fruitless search and an awkward 
delay, the bride's mother came valiantly forward 
from her pew, drew oflF her own wedding ring and 
gave it to be used! 

When leaving the chancel the newly married pair 
lead the way, the bride taking the right arm of her 
husband. The maid-of-honor follows, then the 
bridesmaids, two and two, then the ushers; and the 
best man usually goes out by the vestry, having been 
entrusted by the bridegroom with the fee for the 
clergyman. He should not neglect to see that the 

[174] 



Cfittrtib WRtWnsfi 



brid^room's hat is in readiness for him at the door 
of the church. 

It is allowable to have the ushers fasten white 
ribbons along each side of the pews just before the 
entrance of the bridal procession. This is done oc- 
casionally and prevents the confusion of guests 
hastening from the church, although, as a rule, guests 
are courteous enough to wait until the bridal pro- 
cession and the near relatives have passed out of the 
church. 

The ushers return to escort members of the family 
from the church, and should show their attention to 
any older ladies who may be present, and ofiFer ser- 
vice to any ladies, escorting them to their carriages 
and automobiles. The ushers and best man go to 
the house as soon as they can conveniently leave the 
church. 

Church bells are not rung at a wedding unless 
there is a chime of bells in the belfry. In that case 
joyous wedding hymns are rung as the bridal party 
is leaving the church. 

At the house the newly married pair stand to re- 
ceive their friends who are escorted to them by the 
ushers. The custom is to wish the bride happiness 
and to congratulate the bridegroom on his good for- 
tune. The bride is at the right of the brid^room, 
the maid-of-honor next to the bride; the brides- 
maids are on each side, one in advance pf the other. 
The best man assists in escorting guests to greet the 

[175] 



die CtiQttette oC ^fo |?ork QMap 

bridal pair. Later he escorts the maid-of-honor 
to luncheon. 

The bride's mother stands where she may wel- 
come guests; the bride's father does not stand with 
her but mingles among the guests. 

A stringed orchestra concealed behind palms and 
plants in the haU discourses sweet music. 

On returning to the house for the wedding break- 
fast the men leave their hats in the hall; the women 
do not remove their hats. Men take off their gloves 
at a wedding reception. The guests speak to the 
newly married pair and to the parents. 

A ** standing-up " collation is the most popular and 
convenient fashion. The refreshments, both sub- 
stantial and sweet, are on a long table in the dining- 
room, with plenty of plates in groups, forks laid 
together, napkins in convenient groups, and the 
guests help themselves, the men attending to the 
ladies. The men should ask the servants in attend- 
ance for champagne for the ladies and for them- 
selves. People stand about where they prefer and 
are not seated at the table. Some chairs and sofas 
are drawn back near the wall for the use of older 
persons. Only such refreshments are served at 
may be easily partaken of while standing — ^bouillon, 
oysters, salads, cold salmon with mayonnaise sauce, 
croquettes of chicken or lobster, ice cream, cake, 
etc., and champagne. When expense is not to be 
considered and elaborate refreshments are served, 

[176] 



J 



Cfittrtti 33[ebbtnss( 



a new fashion is to have menu cards printed in French 
and a large number of servants to attend to guests. 
The servants offer menu cards to guests who select 
what they prefer. 

Wedding cake is in small white boxes tied with white 
ribbon, the boxes being on a table in the dining- 
room or hall» and each guest is expected to take one. 
A gold monogram formed of the initials of bride 
and bridegroom is on each box. 

The bride remains about an hour with the guests 
and then leaves to change her dress for the wed- 
ding journey. The maid-of-honor may accompany 
her to assist in removing her veil and offer any other 
services. 

The bridegroom changes his clothes for a travelling 
suit before leaving on the wedding journey, donning 
a suit of tweed or cheviot, the coat a sack or cutaway, 
and he wears a Derby — ^not a silk hat — dark-tan 
dogskin gloves and a dark tie. 

On the morning of the wedding the brid^room 
may send to the house by a servant a valise or suit- 
case containing; his chanf^e of attire for traveUins, a 
room bei^vided for him. The best man ^oes 
upstairs with him to be of any service. He should 
not neglect to see that the carriage is in readiness 
in which bride and bridegroom are to drive away. 

The bridegroom awaits the bride al the stairs. 
The departure should be dignified. Leave-takings 
are brief. The custom of throwing rice for good 

[ mi 



QUe CtiQttttte o( Hiein $ork tEo-tap 

luck, if indulged in at all, should not be overdone. 
Conspicuous acts, or practical jokes which call public 
attenti<m to the carriage in which a newly married 
pair drive away, are not good form. 

As a rule, it is not usual to propose drinking toasts 
or healths at a wedding, except in a most informal 
way. The bride's health might be proposed by the 
father of the bridegroom, and the latter should re- 
spond and propose the health of the bridesmaids, and 
there the matter should end. The healths are not 
proposed until the dose of the wedding breakfast. 

A suitable menu in winter for a luncheon or wed- 
ding breakfast where guests are to be seated at small 
tables, would be: 

Bouillon in cups; creamed oysters; chicken cro- 
quettes and peas; mushrooms on toast; roast quail 
and celery salad; ices, cakes, coffee. 

White wine, sherry, or champagne may be served. 

At a seated breakfast the bride is usually at one end 
of the table, the bridegroom at the other end, the 
best man on the bride's right, the maid-of-honor 
at the right of the bridegroom. Or the bride and 
bridegroom may sit at the head of a table, or at the 
centre of it at one side, the bride at the right of bride- 
groom. The ushers and other bridesmaids are 
ranged on either side. At one table are placed the 
parents of the bride and brid^room with other near 
relatives and the clergyman who officiated at the 

service. 

[178] 



Ctltttcl^ W&tVtinsfi 



On the bride's table there is a bride's cake. The 
bride cuts the cake or makes the first mcision. Vases 
of flowers are on all the tables. The breakfast is 
served in courses by servants. 

Channing decorations for spring and summer 
weddings may be seasonable flowers massed in 
ornamental effects for church or house. Branches 
of apple blossoms or masses of white lilacs are used 
to advantage. 

Palms and potted plants, hired from a florist, are 
grouped about the chancel of the church and form a 
good background, but even this scheme of decoration 
may be overdone until the chancel resembles a forest 
and the wedding party is hidden and the effect spoiled. 

Bunches of white flowers tied with white ribbons 
are at the end of pews in the centre aisle or merely 
on pews reserved for relatives and intimate friends. 
Roses and lilies are used in the spring, white chrys- 
anthemums in the autumn. 

In any scheme of decoration it is well to remem- 
ber that flowers are intended to grace an occasion 
and not to form an extravagant display. They are 
arranged almost with apparent carelessness, yet this 
requires taste and skill. They are in vases in nooks 
and comers of drawing-room and Ubrary and on 
tables, mantels, or in any spot where a vase may 
seem appropriate. Festoons of flowers are not hung 
on walls or mirrors, floral wedding bells are out of 
fashion. Tall palms of the finest quality are fre- 

[179] 



tElie CtiQitette o( ^in |?orfc QMup 

quently used as a background where the bride and 
bridegroom stand. Smaller palms or flowering 
plants are at the side. 

A very charming scheme of decoration for an eariy 
^rbg wedlgb of pink and white tuUps. Easter 
lilies and masses of potted pink azaleas. 

There need be no difficulty about finding flowers 
for an out-of-town wedding. Daisies, ferns and 
feathery grasses, laurel or the fragrant syringa, some- 
times known by the old-fashioned name of "mock- 
orange," may be gathered. Charming bouquets for 
bride and bridesmaids and effects for house decora-^ 
tion may be arranged by deft fingers. At a country 
wedding the bride's girl friends had decked the 
rooms with garlands of oak leaves strung on wires, 
and great bunches of syringa, the flowers being kept 
fresh by having the stems placed in jars fiUed with 
water, suspended by wires and concealed by foliage. 
Where the bride and bridegroom were to stand was 
a screen entirely covered with oak leaves, forming an 
effective background. The screen was covered with 
wire netting which made a firm foundation on which 
to tie clusters of foliage. 

The autumn fields and roadsides afford a plentiful 
supply of golden-rod, purple aster, sumach and 
mountain ash. Branches of frost-tinted leaves of 
maple and oak may be used with good effect. 
Among cultivated flowers hydrangeas or chrysan- 
themums are very decorative. 

[ 180 ] 



C^nff Mebbmgfi! 



The true lover of flowers must often be grieved at 
the use, or rather the abuse, of them. To overload 
a table with flowers is to destroy their beauty. The 
best way to show to advantage their loveliness is to 
place a few of them in tall vases. To strew roses 
and orchids on tables at wedding breakfasts, when 
they die for lack of water, is an abuse, and to throw 
flowers on the pathway of a bride, to be crushed 
under foot, is, fortunately, not considered good form, 
and they are now spared this ignominious treatment. 
A custom to be commended is the sending of flowers 
which have served as decorations at weddings, to 
persons who are ill and suffering. The invalids in 
hospitals are sometimes cheered and comforted by 
these fragrant messengers, sent by a thoughtful bride, 
and they seem to carry with them the joy of the oc- 
casion which they first graced and to breathe a 
spirit of good-will from the giver. 



[ 181 3 



CHAPTER XXIV 

INFORMAL HOME WEDDINGS 

MANY persons seem confused in their ideas 
of what constitutes an informal wedding. 
They fancy that there is formality in 
wearing a bridal veil, or formality if the bride enters 
the church or room with her father. Although no 
rule compels a bride to wear a veil, it is a pretty cus- 
tom to wear one when in white bridal attire, and it 
seems a mistake to omit this part of a bride's dis- 
tinctive dress. 

If a bride wears a travelling dress for the ceremony 
she may have a maid-of-honor, but no other brides- 
nuddsy the miud-of-honor wearing an appropriate 
street dress and hat to harmonize with the bride's 
costume. 

The giving in marriage by the bride's father is not 
a mere fashion or a form reserved for a ceremonious 
occasion. It is a parental obligation and is custom- 
ary at the most informal weddings. 

At a home wedding the guests are received by the 
bride's mother. The father does not appear until 
he brings his daughter into the room for the cere- 
mony. 

1 182 ] 



informal ilome M^insa; 



A room is provided where the ushers may assemble 
on their arrival, and a room for the clergyman where 
he may put on his surplice for the ceremony and re- 
move it afterwards. The clergyman does not ap- 
pear until the bridal procession is in readiness. 

The bride's mother may give her away if the 
father is not Uving. The bride may enter the room 
walking beside her mother, not leaning on her arm, 
or the bride may enter with her maid-of-honor. 
The mother, who woidd have been receiving the 
guests until shortly before the time for the bridal 
party to enter the room, may take her place quietly 
towards the left of where bride and bridegroom will 
stand. At the proper time in the ceremony she 
should advance, take the bride's right hand in hers 
and place it in that of the clergyman, who will then 
place it in the right hand of the bridegroom. Having 
thus done her duty in the ceremony she would step 
back but remain standing near until the end of the 
ceremony. 

It is not customary to provide chairs for guests 
at a home wedding. Guests remain standing while 
others are arriving, and they stand during the cere- 
mony and reception. Furniture is moved back near 
the walls to make space, and a few chairs and sofas 
are retained for the needs of older persons. 

A few musicians or a pianist may play the wed- 
ding music from " Lohengrin " when the bridal pro- 
cession enters, and Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" 

[183] 



IS^t etiquette oC Utin fgmk tEa4ttjf 

at the dose of the ceremony. Music even m soft 
tones, during the ceremony, is not advisable. 

The chief aim at a home wedding is to have every- 
thing as simply arranged as possible. A few formal- 
ities are necessary in order that all may be done in 
a dignified manner and without confusion, but it is 
desirable to avoid anything that detracts from the 
serious nature of the ceremony. 

The mode of entering the room for the ceremony 
is essentially the same as for entering a church. At 
the hour for the ceremony the clergyman enters, fol- 
lowed by the bridegroom and best man. They 
take their places facing the guests, the bridegroom 
towards the left, the best man at his left. 

An aisle may be formed by having four young girls 
enter the room carrying white ribbons. Two of the 
girls stand at the doorway, and two walk forward, 
courteously separating the guests into groups on each 
side and carrying the ribbons to the place where the 
ceremony will be. Between these ribbons the bridal 
party advances. 

T»^ ttt U.e ^ding U ^pb-wiO. .wo 
ushers and a maid-of-honor — ^the ushers enter, then 
the maid-of-honor, preceding the bride, who comes 
in leaning on her father's right arm. The ushers go 
to left and right, the maid-of-honor goes to the 
left of where the bride will stand, the bridegroom 
meets the bride, takes her hand, the father steps 
back and waits until the time for giving away the 

[184] 



Infomtal J^omt W&tWnzi 



bride, when he may withdraw after performing that 
duty. 

K it is preferred to have a cushion and rail, usually 
called a "prie-dieu," by which the bride and bride- 
groom may kneel during the service, this may be 
hired for the occasion from a florist. During the 
ceremony the bridal party have their backs to the 
guests, the clergyman facing them as in church. 
After the ceremony the clergyman congratulates the 
newly-married pair, and then moves away and they 
turn around to be greeted by their friends. The 
white ribbons which have formed an aisle are re- 
moved by the ushers. 

The maid-of-honor is then at the right of the 
bride. The best man moves away and makes him- 
self useful as an usher by bringing guests to speak to 
the bride and bridegroom. 

A bride's parents are the first to offer congratula- 
tions and they do so in whatever words are prompted 
by affection and interest. 

After half an hour occupied in receiving congratu- 
lations, the bride and bridegroom lead the way to the 
dining-room, the best man following with the maid- 
of-honor. The bride's father may take the bride- 
groom's mother, the other guests entering informally, 
the bride's mother coming last with the father of the 
brid^room or the clergyman who performed the 
ceremony. 

If the breakfast is a seated one the usual method is 

[185] 



Vlie etiquette of iBeto |?orii tSMap 

explained in the preceding chapter. If there are few 
guests, one large table may accommodate all» but it 
b usual, and makes a prettier effect, to have several 
smaU tables in the dining-room and adjoining rooms. 
The veranda is also used if it is a country wedding. 
All the tables are prettily decorated with flowers. 

A more simple way is to serve a buffet breakfast, 
if there are as many as fifty guests, having everything 
on a large table in the dining-room, from which the 
guests help themselves and each other. Salads* 
croquettes of chicken or lobster, sandwiches, ice 
cream, cakes and bonbons are easily and quickly 
served. Simple things may be made at home, and 
it is not a great expense to order ice cream and cake 
from a confectioner. 

There may be a bride's cake cut by the bride, or 
wedding cake in small white boxes, tied with white 
ribbon, may be on a table, each guest being ex- 
pected to take a box. 

Effective and inexpensive decorations may be ar- 
ranged by hiring from a florist a few palms and grow- 
ing plants and placing them as a background where 
the bride and brid^room are to stand for the cere- 
mony. In sunmier charming effects may be made 
with masses of daisies and ferns in bowls and vases 
on tables and mantels. Fireplaces may be filled 
with them, and the balustrades of the stairway twined 
with greenery and daisy chains. 

A guest wears a hat at a home wedding in the 

[1861 



infonnal ^ome Mebbtosfl; 



daytime, unless requested personally by the bride 
to come without a hat. 

Guests should arrive a few minutes in advance 
of the hour stated in the invitation, as the ceremony 
is supposed to take place precisely at the time indi- 
cated. A man-servant is always stationed at the 
house entrance to open carriage doors for arriving 
and departing guests. He may be asked at what 
time carriages are being ordered for departures. 
On entering, one should seek the hostess and not 
linger to greet friends. Guests usually remain at a 
wedding until they have congratulated the newly 
married pair and have partaken of refreshments and 
exchanged greetings with friends. Unless they are 
on intimate terms with the bride's family they are 
not expected to remain until the bride leaves. 



1 187 ] 



CHAPTER XXV 

CHRISTENING CEREMONIES 

YOUNG mothers frequently wish to know the 
conect way to announce a child's birth, 
also how to arrange a christening. 

A birth is not ''announced" at all in any formal 
manner, nor is it the custom to send cards telling the 
news. A member of the family may write notes to 
near relatives or very intimate friends who are sup- 
posed to be interested in the event. In that way the 
happy news becomes known among one's acquaint- 
ances. In England the custom is to insert a notice 
in a newspaper, but this is not favored in America. 

Although it is not the custom in large cities to 
"announce" the news, there is a preferred method 
which may be followed in smaller places. The 
mother's visiting card may be sent with a tiny card 
attached by a narrow white ribbon, the little card 
bearing the baby's full name and date of birth. 
These are sent to the intimate friends of the family. 

Friends and acquaintances try to make it a point to 
call to inquire for the mother and the new member 
of the family and to leave cards. They send or 
leave flowers, or may send a congratulatory note 
to the mother. 

[188] 



Ctirtfiitemns Ceremontefii 



A child's christeniBg takes place usually when it is 
about six weeks or two months old. Some parents 
prefer an earlier date. The ceremony should be 
performed in a church. If there is any good reason 
why it cannot be held there, it may be held at home. 

A difficult matter is in making a choice of sponsors 
or godparents. The custom is to select these from 
among relatives or intimate friends. They are in- 
vited verbally or by an informal note written by the 
mother. The rule is that a boy shall have two god- 
fathers and one godmother; a girl, one godfather 
and two godmothers. There is, or should be, 
something very beautiful about this time-honored 
relationship. It is a serious one and not to be re- 
garded as a mere form. Parents are, of course, the 
natural sponsors, but, should they die, the god- 
parents are in duty bound to see that a child is 
brought to confirmation at the proper time. 

Gifts are made to the child by the godparents on 
the day of baptism, the usual presents being silver 
cups, or bowls, silver knife, fork and spoon. The 
parents often follow the practical plan of depositing 
an amount of money in a bank to the child's credit. 
A rich godfather or godmother sometimes gives a 
check or makes a valuable investment for the child's 
benefit. 

At a church ceremony the hour chosen is usually 
after the afternoon service. Only the family, spon- 
sors, and very dear personal friends are present. 

[ 189 ] 



of fitfu f^tttk tEo4up 



The child is appropriately dressed in a dainty white 
robe and laoe cap, and is carried into the church in 
the arms of the nurse. The sponsors and parents 
stand near the font where the clergyman reads the 
service, and others take their places in front pews. 
The godmother takes the child from the nurse, holds 
the little one in her arms until the moment when she 
must place the child in the arms of the clergyman. 
The baby's cap is removed. After the child is 
named the godmother receives him again, and holds 
him until the conclusion of the service. 

After the ceremony there is usually a luncheon 
at the home of the parents, to which friends may be 
invited, the sponsors and the clergyman being in- 
cluded. 

At a home christening the same forms are fol- 
lowed. The afternoon is the proper time. The oc- 
casion, although a joyous one, is really a religious 
ceremony, and from its character should not be 
turned into an elaborate entertainment. 

White flowers in tall vases may be appropriately 
used in decorating the table on which the baptismal 
bowl is placed. A sOver bowl which is valued from 
family associations is generally used. 

There may be a profusion of palms and white 
flowers in l^e room Guests wear visiting gowns. 
The mother wears a pretty afternoon dress. White 
decorations are the rule for the table in the dining- 
room, white flowers, candleshades, white cakes and 

[190] 



C^xUsttniafi Ctttmmksi 



bonbons. The refreshments may be similar to those 
for an afternoon tea, with the addition of caudle. 
This old-fashioned beverage of highly seasoned gruel 
is prepared the day before it is to be used and is made 
by stirring two cupfuls of oatmeal into three quarts 
of salted boiling water, and adding two sliced lemons, 
a cupful of stoned raisins, a grated nutmeg and a 
stick of cinnamon. After boiling an hour the mix- 
ture is strained and set away to cool. Before ser- 
ving it is heated to the boiling point and has the addi- 
tional ingredients of a pint of brandy, a pint of mulled 
sherry, half a glass of rum and a quart of scalded 
milk. It is served with a ladle from a large punch 
bowl, and on the top of each cupful is some whipped 
cream and grated rind lemon. The cups used are 
caudle or bouillon cups with two handles. The 
beverage is dispensed by a young matron. 



[1911 



CHAPTER XXVI 

NOTE-WRITING 

NEGLECT of the art of note-wntiiig may be 
traced directly to the haste in which we 
live in the present day. The telegram 
and telephone are tempting to many persons who 
will not take time to concentrate their minds or 
trouble to express their thoughts in careful language. 
The result is that when compelled to write a social 
note they are hampered by doubts and fears and are 
at a loss simply from lack of practice. 

If the idea is kept in mind that note-writing is 
merely an expression of what one would say in speak- 
ing, there may be less alarm and difficulty. Sim- 
plicity, kindly feeling and sincerity are necessary in 
writing. A note should not be forced, stilted or 
stiff, but natural, spontaneous. One must show by 
care and by courtesy that the person addressed is of 
sufficient importance to deserve consideration. A 
carelessly written note is a reflection on one's man- 
ners and education. 

There are occasions when it may be necessary to 
write a note hastily, and then one should summon all 
one's energy of thought and be brief and concise, but 
always courteous. 

[192] 



^te-torttins 



Mental capacity may have much to do with one's 
ability to write agreeably or easily; but, at least, 
the elementary parts of correspondence may be mas- 
tered. 

Plain white or cream paper, rather thick in quality, 
unruled, and folded once to fit the envelope is in good 
taste. The size may be about six and a half by five 
inches, with envelopes five inches by three and three- 
quarters. Paper of a larger size is for letters. A 
smaller size, five and a half by three and a half 
inches, or five by four and a half, is for brief notes 
or for invitations to luncheons, dinners, dances or 
card parties. 

Persons in mourning use paper and envelopes 
with mourning border three-eighths of an inch wide 
or with a narrower line, according to the depth or 
period of mourning. 

Postal cards are not for social usage and type- 
writing is strictly for business. 

To appear saving of stationery is not good form. 
Half sheets, or sheets torn from a pad are not used. 
Crood note paper is inexpensive in these days. In- 
ferior paper, or an illiberal use of paper shows a lack 
of good taste on the part of the writer. The use of 
two sheets of paper is expected when words overflow 
a single sheet. The address may be engraved in 
Roman letters across the head of the paper or a small 
monogram may be used. If there is no engraved 
address it may be written at the head of the page, 

[193] 



Q%e CtiQitette of .^etu f^otk Zo-iuf 

towards the right. Envelopes have no ornamenta- 
tion. Black ink and a pen with a broad nib are used. 
It is unpardonable to write in pencil. Handwriting 
should be l^ble, the vertical or angular style, or 
the small round letters being equally in fashion at 
present. Words are separated distinctly, and are 
written in straight lines. Writing is not crowded at 
the mai^gin, nor are words divided from one line to 
the next. 

A note is begun about two inches from the top of 
the paper and a margin is left at the foot of the page. 
Grammar, spelling and punctuation must be care- 
fully observed. A dictionary should be at hand, if 
one is not sure of spelling. A new subject in a note 
requires a new paragraph, and in beginning a para- 
graph a margin of about an inch is allowed. It is/ 
best to write straight on from page to page rather 
than to skip about from one page to another and 
thus confuse the reader. If a note is only of two 
pages it is usual to skip one in writing. 

The custom is to begin a note, "My dear Mrs. 
Gray," or, "Dear Mrs. Gray." A friend or sister 
is addressed, "Dear Florence," or, "Dearest Mary." 
A business communication to a stranger begins 
"Mrs. John Wood, Dear Madam," not "Madame,** 
as that is French and the word has been anglicized 
for our own use. 

It may be said here that while for some inexplicable 
reason it is considered more formal to begin "My 

[ 194 ] 



^te-torfttns 



dear Mr. Brown," than "Dear Mr. Brown," the 
latter appears to be in general use. 

Terminations are of various sorts. "Yours sin- 
cerely" is used among intimate friends or compara- 
tive strangers. "Yours cordially" may be used 
between women. "Yours affectionately" implies a 
degree of intimacy between relatives or dear friends. 
"Yours faithfully" may be from a man to a man or 
to a woman. "Yours very truly" is chiefly used in 
business letters. 

Signatures are written in fuU and never with a 
prefix. Abbreviations or pet names are incorrect 
in signatures or addresses. It is bad form to sign, 
"Susie," "Birdie," "Bessie," or to address an envel- 
ope to " Jno.," " Jas.," " Chas.," or " Wm.," etc. 

A married woman's signature is her own name, 
"Charlotte Morris," not "Mrs. James Morris." If 
writing a business note to one who may not know 
her identity she may place her husband's name in 
brackets beneath her own signature, or (Address 
Mrs. James Morris), but this is not allowable in a 
social note. 

A married woman frequently retains her maiden 
name in her signature. It is written without a 
hyphen, "Charlotte Gray Morris." 

Blots or erasures are to be avoided. It is old- 
fashioned to add a postscript. If necessary to add 
a thought it may be done without the letters 
P.S." A bad habit is to use the sign " &" for 

[196] 



« 



HPiie etiquette o( BetD l^orfc Vo-bap 

**and," or to crowd the word "and" vertically 
between words. 

In a date the name of the month is written in full; 
the date of the month must be in numerals when the 
date of the year follows, or may be written when 
the year is omitted. It is an affectation to write out 
the year in full. Numerals are used for it. On the 
other hand, it is unpardonable to adopt the com- 
mercial habit in a social note, thus: "2.15.07." 

In addressing an envelope to a man the form is 
Richard Wood, Esq., according to English usage, 
for a note or an invitation. A woman is not ad- 
dressed by her husband's title. An address is Mrs. 
William Green, not Mrs. Dr. Green, or Mrs. Gen. 
Green. A widow is addressed Mrs. George Smith, 
not Mrs. Anna Smith. 

An address is written in full on an envelope and 
precision is used in plaxJing a stamp straight in the 
upper right-hand comer. If an envelope has been 
addressed upside down it is discarded and another 
substituted. The sign # before a street number 
is not used and the abbreviation " No " before figures 
is obsolete. The word "Street" is used, not "St. " 

One does not write " City " on social notes. The 
street address is considered sufficient on local notes, 
the name of the town or city being omitted, although 
this is not a fixed rule. 

One should write words in full and not use the 
abbreviations Wash., Cin., Bait., or Phijia. 

[ 196 ], 



^te-birtting 



The very latest fancy adopted by those who have 
large country residences is the English idea of having 
on stationery certain signs to show the railroad sta- 
tion, postoffice, telegraph office and telephone num- 
ber. For instance, the name of the country house 
is at the head; then, to show that there may be 
several modes of communication, there follow tiny 
engravings of a locomotive, an envelope and a tele- 
graph pole preceding the name of the station and 
state. Under these is a drawing of a tiny telephone 
with the telephone address following it. 

A bride-to-be must be most particular in acknowl- 
ed^ng gifts and write notes to her friends and rela- 
tives, and to her future husband's friends and to 
people whom she does not know, and who may be 
her parents' acquaintances or friends of the bride- 
groom's family. There can be no exact formula for 
notes, and when suggested in cold print they seem 
trite and expressionless. If note-writing is reduced 
to a form, then all cordiaUty and spontaneity is lost. 
In writing notes of acknowledgment for wedding 
gifts it is best to have no duplicates. Each note dif- 
fers, according to intimacy, friendship or mere ac- 
quaintanceship; but as persons who send gifts are 
supposed to do so from motives of kindness, the wish 
of a bride-elect should be to reciprocate in kindness 
and show appreciation. Notes can be cordial with- 
out being gushing or eflFusive. The best rule is to 
write the notes with as little delay as possible, before 

I 197 ] 



tKilf CtfQitdte of ^tD $orii QMn? 

the feeling of pleasure in the receipt of gifts has 
subsided. It is well to mention the fpit definitely 
— ^the charming clock, the beautiful silver dish, the 
attractive cut-glass vase, the handsome lamp, the 
lovely piece of silver. People like to have their 
gifts spedalizedy and adjectives of enthusiasm are 
allowable. 

When a gift is received from a husband and wife 
a note b written to the wife. Something in this form 
may be a suggestion to a bride-elect: 

My dear Mrs, Park: 

The gift which you and Mr. Park have so kindly 
aenJt to me has 'pleased me more than I can say. It 
will he a charming addition to my new horns and 
often remind me of your friendly thoughtftdness. 

Yours cordially 9 

Elizabeth Clarkson, 

Or, one may say: **It was a great pleasure to re- 
ceive the beautiful dock which you and Mr. Park 
have so kindly sent to me. I hope I may have the 
opportimity very soon of telling you personally how 
much I appreciate your gift." 

Brides who receive a large number of presents 
keep a list and check off the names as soon as the 
notes of acknowledgment are written. This pre- 
vents mistakes or omissions. 

[198] 



^ote-tDttttns 



A form of resignation from a club is in reality an 
official communication and may be very concise: 

My dear Mrs. Dash: 

I regret that dreumdances make U impos^nble for 

rm to retain my m^mherMp in the Clvb after 

June first. 

Will you be so kind a^ to accept my resignation from 

that date? 

Sincerely yours, 

Mary Wainright. 

A separate personal note may be sent giving rea- 
sons for resigning and adding a kindly word in con- 
clusion. If other demands on one's time make it 
impossible to attend to club duties one may say so, or 
if one is leaving town for an indefinite time, or to 
make one's home elsewhere these facts may be 
stated. A concluding sentence may be, **I shall 
always have many pleasant memories of my connec- 
tion with the club." 

It is a painful duty to write a note of condolence 
to a friend who has lost a relative, yet few persons 
realize how much a note of this sort is valued. The 
attention is remembered, and no excuses ever seem 
to atone for the omission. A note of the sort will 
not be a difficult task if written at once. Words of 
sympathy or affection should not be hard to find, 

1 199 ] 



fl^ etiquette tA ^to $orfc UMiap 

and these are all that need be written. The letter is 
liked better if the writer does not attempt to sermon- 
ize. Any formula for this kind of a note would 
seem commonplace, unfeeling and insincere. ''My 
thoughts are with you in your sorrow and I am writ- 
ing to assure you of my deep sympathy," or, "My 
heart goes out to you in your sorrow," or, "in the 
blow which has fallen on you," are words which 
suggest themselves as fitting. 

A reply to a note of sympathy may be brief but 
appreciative. Something of this sort might be said: 

My dear Mary: 

Your kind letter of sympathy is truly appreciated. 
ItisagreaiMpiokn^ih^myfrier^arethmhing 
of meat this time, and y(mr wards are very comfoHing. 

Yours sincerely, 

Edith Word. 

A new method adopted by persons who recdve a 
very large number of letters is to have notes of 'eply 
written by a secretary, thus: 

Dear Mrs. Dash: 

I appreciate very much your message of sympathy 
which Umches me deeply in my sorrow. 

Sincerely yours, 

Margaret Lawrence. 
I 200 ] 



^te-torttfns 



The very latest fashion is to use paper having the 
mourning band within a white border, the white 
border being about three-eighths of an inch, with a 
border of black of the same depth within this and 
having envelopes to match. 



[201] 



CHAPTER XXVII 

TALK AND TALKERS 

TO be popular one must be proficient in small- 
talk, that useful social commodity which 
alternates easQy between subjects grave and 
gay; talk which is never egotistical, scandalous, 
frivolous, dull, commonplace or pretentious. 

AffabiUty, grodousness, adaptability, a wish to 
please, must be part of one's equipment. 

Self-consciousness is one of the obstacles to success. 
It makes one awkward in manner, timid at the sound 
of one's voice, fearful of expressing an opinion. 
Courage to speak out directly from the heart helps 
to inspire others to bring out their ideas. 

The art of talking well is rare, but if one has the 
least spark of talent it may be improved. Time, 
thought and constant practice are necessary to de- 
velop any faculty. We cannot hope to learn music, 
painting, tennis-playing or golf without practice, and 
so it is with conversation. We cannot expect to talk 
well in society if we are dull, silent, taciturn at home. 
We must read the best books to learn the fluent use 
of language; we must learn to think and to remem- 
ber, to observe carefully; we must keep in touch 

[202] 



Salfc anb WaSktti 



with the events of the day, not merely within a nar- 
row circle but in the wide world. Travel enlarges 
the mind and affords topics of talk. General knowl- 
edge is necessary. In these days there are so many 
opportunities for mental improvement that it is con- 
sidered inexcusable not to be well informed. Books, 
magazines and newspapers are within the reach of 
every one. There must be a knowledge of books 
"either familiar or fashionable" if one would con- 
verse easily. 

Much benefit may be derived from reading cdoud, 
each day, several pages of good EngUsh prose and a 
bit of good poetry. The voice and the mind will be- 
come trained, and there will be less nervousness in 
conversation. 

Two important points are to cultivate a pleasant, 
well-modulated voice, and an accurate pronun- 
ciation. 

Biographers tell us that some of the most distin- 
guished writers did not shine in society. Their 
faults may be a warning. Milton was unsociable 
and irritable. Addison was stiff and reserved except 
among intimate friends. Of Goldsmith it is said 
that "he wrote like an angd and talked like poor 
PoU." 

Brilliant conversationalists are not always good 
small-talkers. Macaulay monopolized the conversa- 
tion so strenuously that no one else could speak, and 
the great wit, Sydney Smith, said of him that "he 

[ 208 1 



Q^e etiquette of iU^ Sorii tCo-bap 

could not distinguish between a monologue and a 
dialogue.'* Disraeli made many enemies by his 
free use of sarcasm. Cariyle was dogmatic and 
argumentative. 

On the other hand Burke was charmingly enter- 
taining, enthusiastic and inspiring. Leigh Hunt's 
conversation was compared to a pleasant stream. 
He was called the ** philosopher of hope/' so opti- 
mistic and sunny was his temperament. 

Mrs. Browning was an ideal conversationalist, a 
conscientious listener, the first to see merit, the last 
to censure faults. She gave praise generously and 
was modest about her own abilities. Persons were 
never her themes. Books, great deeds and humanity 
were her topics. Yet, it is true that very earnest 
talkers are not popular in general society. To be 
able to talk about nothing in a way to make that 
airy subject interesting is a talent. 

It is said of one of the most brilliant talkers — 
Robert Louis Stevenson — ^that one of his chief charms 
in conversation was his sympathetic power of in- 
spiring others. He would keep a houseful or a 
single companion entertained all day, yet never seem 
to dominate the talk or absorb it; rather he helped 
every one about him to discover and to exercise un- 
expected powers of his own. His good-will, his 
courtesy, his consideration for others were delightful. 

To be sympathetic in conversation means to be 
willing to talk on subjects which are of interest to 

[ 204 ] 



tlfolfc anb WAitti 



others, to hear, courteously and patiently, what 
others have' to say, to take an interest in their opin* 
ions and feelings. At least, if we cannot really be 
in S3rmpathy we must '"assume a virtue if we have it 
not." 

One of the first qualifications of an agreeable per- 
son is to be a good listener, not to let the eye or mind 
wander. The chroniclers tell us of a certain French 
princess who declared, " I hke society because every 
one listens to me and I listen to no one." This 
frank avowal is an amusing and amazing record of 
royal privilege combined with vanity, conceit and 
rudeness. 

Tact is an important quality in conversation. 
This subtle instinct is not possessed by every one. 
It may be attained by quick judgment and intelli- 
gence, by observing the mistakes of others and profit- 
ing by them, by smng smaU changes of manner, or 
the passing expression of a face. It tells one what 
subjects will be agreeable and what must be avoided. 

To guard against repeating a story to the same 
person is a point worth noting. The inclination to 
interrupt or to correct others for inaccuracies must be 
controlled. Not only must we try to say the right 
thing in the right place, but leave unsaid the wrong 
thing at the tempting moment. 

Conversation must be natural and spontaneous to 
be really charming. Few persons have the gift for 
saying the most appropriate thing at the most appro- 

[ 206 ] 



tE^e CtfQtiette of ^tn $orit (EMnp 

priate time. Those who hav^ a bright, easy, chatty 
way of talking, a gift for repartee, telling an anecdote 
well or quoting aptly are always popular. 

Subjects to be avoided are private affairs, illness, 
servants, food, money, dress, household difficulties, 
disagreeable happenings, grievances; and yet this 
rule seems to be reversed frequently, judging from 
the flow of talk one hears about what people spend, 
wear and eat, while the details of illnesses are dis- 
cussed as though they were matters of pride and 
pleasure. 

It is when persons are first introduced that topics 
for talk seem difficult to find. The moments must 
often be bridged over by a commonplace remark 
about a passing event, or a friend, or the music or 
singers, if at the opera, or the bride, the gifts, flowers, 
etc., if at a wedding. 

Truth, good sense, good-nature and wit are compo- 
nent parts of good talk. Exaggeration, vehemence, 
assertions, arguments and contradictions are the ruin 
of conversation; likewise gossip, slang, flatteiy, per- 
sonal compliments and puns. 

The witty mocker, the cynic and the pessimist are 
feared; the severe critic of folly as it ffies, and the 
censorious person who indulges in petty fault-finding 
will be unpopular. One who possesses charity, in- 
telligence and a keen sense of humor which is gay 
and kindly, will be Uked. 

Mere trifles may start a flow of small-talk — ^the 

[206] 



ttCalfc anb tBattxti 



news of the day, the new novel, the best exhibition 
of pictures, horses, dogs, sports, even the weather, 
may supply topics. One must renew constantly 
one's stock of varied subjects of interest. It is even 
allowable to '^ cram "; that is, to read up subjects and 
be able to introduce them deftly, and thus be pre- 
pared with something to say. 



[207] 



CHAPTER XXVIII 

FOB THOSE WHO ARE SHY 

SHYNESS is an over-aenffltiveness, an anxiety 
as to what Others are thinking of US, a shrink- 
ing from observation, a morbid self-con- 
sciousness that prevents us from appearing at our 
best. 

A youthful bride leaving a small coimtry place to 
live in a large town is sometimes overcome with 
timidity at the thought of meeting strangers. She 
has a dread that she may say or do the wrong thing. 

"Imagine," she exclaims to a friend, "a girl-wife, 
shy and reserved, unused to society except such as 
there is in a country place, being thrown among 
strangers, and you may imderstand how I feel. How 
shall I ever learn to feel at ease? '* 

" By thinking less of yourself and more of others," 
replies the frank friend. 

A young girl brought up in a refined home in a 
country town need have no misgivings in going among 
strangers and taking her place in the ranks of married 
women, if she possesses instinctive womanly grace, 
courtesy and kindness. Shy and reserved she may 
be, but these qualities are not necessarily unbecom- 
ing. Her manners may be sweet and considerate, 

[208] 



:f or tE^ofit WSif^ laire &^p 



with an anxiety to please, a willingness to listen at- 
tentively, to take an interest in others, to be respon- 
sive and not to let thoughts go wool-gathering. 

Often a young hostess is alarmed at being obliged 
to introduce people. At least, she can remember 
that men are presented to women, never the reverse. 
But names fly out of her head. A story is told of a 
young man who asks his hostess, "Will you intro- 
duce me to the young lady in blue standing near the 
piano?" 

"Yes,** replies the flurried and forgetful hostess, 
"if you will tell me your name and hers!" 

To remember names and faces is one of the neces- 
sary lessons of life to be learned. 

Diffidence is a distrust in one's self, fear of being 
criticised. Some young men suflFer from it so pain- 
fully that it makes them awkward and clumsy in 
manner and speech. They stumble over a chair, 
do not know what to do with their hands, their only 
refuge being to put them in their pockets — ^a hope- 
lessly awkward fault which every young man should 
try to correct. They fear that young girls are 
secretly poking fim at them. Ill-mannered and 
cruel are the women who laugh at a man's bashful- 
ness. The well-bred woman appears not to notice 
his confusion, feigns not to look at him, tells some 
amusing anecdote or some funny experience or acci- 
dent, and presently draws him out to talk naturally. 

Children should be taught early in Ufe how to enter 

[ 209 ] 



tElie ttUffutU of ^tD |Botii tKo-tuLp 

a room, how to speak to visitors politely, how to bow 
gracefully, to look people in the face when they speak, 
not with a stare, but with an intelligent expression. 

Dancing lessons are of the greatest use to children 
and young people. They may learn how to stand, 
move, bow, and what to do with their hands and feet. 

Parents should encourage their young sons to go 
in society and try to overcome in youth the misery of 
awkward bashfulness. 

No doubt temperament has much to do with shy- 
ness. Two brothers may have totally different man- 
ners. One has a manner which is like a gift of 
genius. He knows how to be graceful, charmingly 
polite, deferential to older persons. His gay, whole- 
8ome. genial way of pleasing wiH cany him lightly 
and successfully through the world. He will make 
friends easily. His brother, on the contrary, may 
be consumed with bashfulness and awkwardness; 
his thoughts play tricks and desert him at the needed 
moment, and he fails to make a good impression until 
one knows him well and discovers his heart of gold. 

It is not much consolation to know that distin- 
guished persons have been afflicted with shyness, 
because certain peculiarities are tolerated in a genius 
which are not pardonable in every-day mortals. 

Hawthorne was so shy that he ran out of the house 
when he saw visitors approaching, and left his wife 
to receive them. Mrs. Hawthorne was a shy woman 
by nature, but she overcame her timidity for the 

[210] 



:f or tS^ofiie Wltfo iSre i^lbp 



sake of her husband. Tact and patience were among 
her strong points. 

Madame Recamier, whose chann and beauty have 
made her famous, was very shy and neither clever 
nor witty. She had little to say but had a sincere, 
winning manner, a talent for making friends, and 
she was never flurried or excited. She retained her 
charm and her friends through Ufe, in old age and 
infirmity. 

Shyness is not altogether something to be ashamed 
of. Far better is a modest reserve and even a posi- 
tive timidity than a pushing forwardness, aggressive- 
ness, pertness, conceit and self-suflSciency. The 
self-admiring person, with assurance and assump- 
tion, is less desirable in society than the bashful 
youth or maiden. 

Emerson tells us that ''the maiden at her first ball, 
the countryman at a city dinner, believes that there 
is a ritual according to which every act and compli- 
ment must be performed or the faihng party must be 
cast out." Later they learn that "good sense and 
character make their own forms every moment." 
He warns us that coolness and absence of heat and 
haste indicate fine qualities, ''and that society dis- 
likes egotistical, solitary or gloomy people." 

Society demands what it terms good-nature — 
"willingness and faculty to oblige." The favorites 
have more spirit than wit and no *' uncomfortable 
egotism." 

[2111 




CHAPTER XXIX 

GOOD FORM AND THE REVERSE IN SPEECH 

'HEN men and women begin to frame 
their thoughts in language," says a 
critic, "they depend not at all upon re- 
corded rule and precept, not upon anything that can 
be taught or learned, but they spring out of that finer 
taste, which may, indeed, be cultivated and still more 
refined, yet which is itself the fairy birth-gift that 
insures enlightenment to the possessor." 

This "fairy birth-gift" consists in fine tact, the 
discerning of delicate distinctions and shades of 
meaning in words and expressions. It is far removed 
from vanity, affectation or pedantry. It permits the 
truly initiated person to use language with a certain 
sort of "masterly carelessness," that always keeps 
within the bounds of gwd taste. The initiated per- 
son does not fear to be colloquial, but is never vulgar. 

In social life there is ever a search for novelty, and 
this results in a special vocabulary which is always 
subject to change in fashion. Words which are used 
for a time are quickly dropped as soon as they are 
adopted by the multitude. The word "swell" has 
long ago passed away and "smart" has taken its 



^otib jTontt anb ttie IBleberfiie in ^peetti 

place, no doubt to be discarded in the course of time. 
Words or expressions which are supposed to be a sort 
of society jargon often have a very short Ufe. An 
example is in the famous social classification of a 
noted leader, who originated the phrase, " The Four 
Hundred." This expression is so absolutely ruled 
out now that any one who uses it would show igno- 
rance. 

Slang has been aptly defined as a sort of *' vaga- 
bond language " which forces its way into the most 
respectable company. Often it is descriptive, but it 
needs discrimination in its use. It is not wit, and 
the avoidance of it is advisable. It gives one a shock 
to hear it from the lips of a pretty girl, who speaks 
of having a "cinch.** Even worse is it to hear any 
one assent to a statement by saying "That's right,'* 
or "Sure.** These are vulgarisms. 

Very small things in talk reveal refinement of per* 
sonality or the reverse. Words which are bad form 
are "wealthy,** "el^ant,** "homely.** Instead of 
these the form would be " rich,** " beautiful,** " plain. ** 
No one who knows the distinction in refined words 
would say "folks** for "family" or "relatives,** or 
" fellows " for " young men,** or " groom ** for " bride- 
groom.** The expressions "lady friend** and "gen- 
tleman friend,** "gentleman guest,** are never heard 
in social life, and would stamp a person immediately 
as being ignorant. 

Provincialisms are peculiarities of speech which 

I 213 ] 



drte CttQitette of ^io |?arfc tEo4iap 

should be resolutely corrected. Such expressions as 
"poorly," "vest," "dress suit," "high-noon," "speU 
of bad weather," "reckon," "depot" and "store" 
may be classed among these. 

No person of education would use the expression, 
"Say, Mary," when wishing to call one's attention, 
nor would say, "Is that so?" "You don't say!" in 
conversation. 

It is not allowable to say, "Yes, sir," or "No, 
ma'am," among persons of social equality, nor is 
it the custom to have children use these expressions 
to parents or elders, but to say, "Yes, father," or, 
"No, mother," or, "Yes, Aunt Mary," as the case 
may be. It is unpardonable to answer any one by 
saying, "What?" One may say, "I b^ your par- 
don; I did not hear." 

A child should not be allowed to call from one 
room to another, but must be taught to come to the 
place where the person is to whom he wishes to speak. 
When a child speaks he should be answered politely. 

A woman speaks of her husband by his Christian 
name only to relatives and intimate friends. To 
others she may speak of him as, "My husband," or 
"Mr. Dash." 

Grammatical errors are inexcusable. Confusion 
in the use of pronouns is a fatal mistake. An edu- 
cated person would not say, "It is me," or "Mary 
and me are going," or "Sarah is coming to see my 
sister and I," or "Between you and I," but would 

[ 214 ] 



<(^ob jTonti anb tbt i^bersie in Aptttft 

say, "It is I," "Mary and I are going," "Sarah 
is coming to see my sister and me," " Between you 
and me." 

Other unpardonable errors are to use "learn" for 
"teach," or "have got" for "have," or "those kind 
of things" for "things of that kind," or to say "he 
don't" for "he does not," or "you was" for "you 
were," or, "we are at home evenings" instead of "in 
the evening." 

A fault to which some persons are prone is to use 
French words and mispronounce them. 

The fear of using simple words troubles the unin- 
itiated person, who is Ukely to adopt those which he 
fancies will sound weU, but which are not in use. 
For instance, no one "peruses" a letter, one reads 
it; one does not "retire," but goes to bed; one writes, 
but does not "correspond"; one helps at a fair, one 
does not "assist"; one goes to the opera, one does 
not "attend" the opera. 

Excessive precision in speech may be as faulty as 
extreme slovenliness. The avoidance of things that 
have been condemned will help in the correct use 
of our mother tongue. 



[216] 



CHAPTER XXX 



HOSPITALITY 



IN these days it would seem that the word hospi- 
tahty has assumed a new and strange signifi- 
cance or rather suffered a transformation, and 
we who float along on the stream of social life accept 
the idea with thoughtless ease and take for granted 
that mere forms and ceremonies, social baigaining, 
lavish display, and elaborate entertainments stand 
for true hospitality. When we are so exact as to 
look up the meaning of the word we find that, ac- 
cording to the best authorities, hospitality is "the 
reception and entertainment of guests without re- 
ward, and with kind and generous liberality"; also, 
that to be hospitable is to be " sociable, neighborly, 
given to bounty, generous, large-minded.*' 

There is something that pleases our imagination 
when we read about the hospitality in the olden times, 
when life was simpler and when a delightful leisure 
existed which does not belong to modem days. 
Wedding festivities were kept up for several days, 
and the wedding party, after feasting at the bride's 
home, were invited to that of another friend and then 
to another. 

I 216 T 



11 



?|ofi$ttalttp 



In an old-fashioned novel we read that the heroine, 
in the fourth week of her visit at a friend's house, 
was in doubt whether she should continue her stay, 
and the painful consideration made her eager to be 
rid of such a weight on her mind. She resolved to 
speak to her hostess, propose going away and be 
guided in her conduct by the manner in which her 
proposal was received. It was directly settled be- 
tween her hostess and herself that her leaving was 
not to be thought of and the limit of her visit de- 
pended on her own mcUnations. 

Not so the hostess of these days, who invites a 
guest for a stated period, and it is tacitly yet posi- 
tively understood that **from Saturday to Monday," 
or for the "week-end," as the phrase is, does not 
even include luncheon on the day of departure. All 
this is far more sensible and more satisfactory, al- 
though so very business-like. 

To-day we are told that those who entertain con- 
sider that they are paying their acquaintances a 
sufficient compliment by inviting them to a crowded 
reception, where the hostess has hardly time for a 
greeSng. Society is nothing if not "practical and 
business-Uke," and if a hostess entertains lavishly 
and is well gowned she does all that could be required 
and cannot be expected to take much interest in her 
guests. This shows how hospitaUty masquerades 
under false colors. 

Social bargaining is not hospitality. Under this 

[217] 



Q^ CtiQttette of ^lo l^orii Q:b4mp 

head may be included the false spirit which aims at 
inviting friends and acquaintances in order to receive 
gifts on anniversaries or at weddings. It is neces- 
sary to remember that genuine hospitality is to en- 
tertain gratuitously, ** without reward/* and we must 
apply this rule to our own actions. Every good 
hostess should ask herself: **Am I offering my 
guests that which is my own idea of enjoyment, or 
am I providing that which I believe is theirs?" 

We should provide our best, but our best may be 
very simple. We should not be so foolish as to 
strain at imitating those whose means are far beyond 
our own, but we should not hesitate to bring our 
friends together because we cannot give expensive 
entertainments. 

All of us know what it is to enter a house where 
true hospitality reigns, where there is a spirit of gen- 
erous intention to welcome cordially all who cross 
the threshold, where there is a subtle influence which 
makes us happy and at ease. 

Hospitality is not in giving elaborate feasts or dis- 
playing fine furnishings, costly gowns and jewels, 
but is the sweet and noble practice of receiving and 
entertaining guests in genuine liberality, and this 
liberality is not merely in material things but in the 
heartfelt and inspiring kindness which gives to hospi- 
tality its true meaning and value. 



[218] 



CHAPTER XXXI 

A HOSTESS IN A COUNTRY HOUSE 

THE talent for being a hostess comes by nature 
to some persons; by others the art may be 
acquired by experience. Yet there are 
some who, with the best intentions in the world, fail 
in this line of social effort. Self-consciousness and 
tactlessness are among the causes of failure. The 
great variety in hostesses has been brightly defined 
by some one who says that there is the charming 
hostess, the merely good hostess, the indifferent host- 
ess, and the bad hostess. Of the first it seems need- 
less to explain that she has graceful and composed 
manners, that she has the gift for saying the right 
thing at the right time, of drawing out what is best 
in people and making them feel at ease and happy. 
She is cheerful and appears free from care and has 
the faculty of " staying at home in her own mind " — 
a faculty of the utmost importance, as an absent- 
minded hostess can never be a successful one. 

There are hostesses who make the mistake of being 
absent when guests arrive and who finally make their 
appearance in breathless haste and with numerous 

[219] 



(Elbe CtiQitttte o( Betai |9orii lEa^ 

apologies, but unless there is some excellent reason 
for such absence guests are apt to feel that it is but 
a selfish lack of consideration, if not rudeness. 

Much of the success of a house-party depends on 
inviting people who know each other well, or who, 
when introduced, will find each other's acquaintance 
agreeable. Invitations had best be sent two or three 
weeks in advance in order to avoid disappointments. 
The period for the visit is definitely stated in the in- 
vitations. This sensible rule prevents any misunder- 
standing. From *' Saturday to Monday," or for 
the ** week-end," as it is called, or "for a week," 
giving the exact dates, is a frank form of invitation 
fuUy recognized as correct. The hour for the most 
convenient train is mentioned and a time-table may 
be enclosed. The words, " house-party," are never 
used in an mvitation. 

A carriage should be sent to the station to meet 
guests, and all arrangements made for the convey- 
ance of their luggage and placing it in their rooms. 
On arriving at some country houses cards bearing 
the names of iniests and havine ribbons attached 
are found in thfrespective rooms and guests tie the 
checks and keys of trunks or suit cases on the cards 
and leave them in their rooms. Luggage is thus 
identified and placed in rooms and maids and valets 
proceed to unpack, hang up and lay out belongings. 

A cordial greeting by the hostess on the arrival 
of her guests, a cup of tea offered, will cheer and re- 

[220] 



21 ^ofitesEtf in a Countrp ilmt^e 

fresh the travellers. The hostess may show her 
women guests to their rooms. A servant shows the 
men to theirs. 

The guest-rooms should have been carefully in- 
spected by the hostess before guests arrive. She will 
see that nothing is lacking by way of comfort and 
convenience. There must be plenty of fresh towels 
and water, new soap, a candlestick and matches. 
Writing materials on a desk or table, a calendar, 
some new books or magazmes, a waste-paper basket, 
must not be forgotten. 

On the toilet table there should be a pin-cushion, 
and a comb and brush in case they may be needed 
before the luggage arrives. A few fresh flowers in 
a vase make a pleasant welcome. 

A clock, an easy chair, a lounge, a light blanket, 
or dainty coverlet should be in each room. 

While a hostess should be careful not to seem 
indifferent to the comfort of her guests, she should 
not weary them with too much attention or give 
the impression that they are on her mind or being 
entertained. She will arrange for their pleasure, 
secure invitations to any entertainments of a general 
nature which may take place in the neighborhood, 
mention to friends that she expects guests, so that 
they may call if they please ; she may give a luncheon, 
dinner or an informal reception in their honor. 

A considerate hostess will offer guests the option 
of rising for breakfast or having coffee and rolls in 

[ 821 ]! 



Q%e ttUimttt of fitiu |9otfc (Co-liap 

their rooms. She will not exact that her guests 
shall rise at an unreasonable hour for breakfast 
simply because some member of the family must 
take a train; she will not require a guest to go to 
drive who piefers resting, or to smg when tired, or 
to sit and talk when reading is preferred. 

She must remember that guests like to have some 
time in the day to themselves to retire to their rooms 
to read, write or rest. 

Golf, tennis, automobiling, driving, sea bathing, 
boating or mountain climbing may be among the 
daily amusements, according to the special local ad- 
vantages. An impromptu picnic is enjoyable. The 
evenings may be devoted to music, cards, games, 
charades, thought-reading, character-reading, story- 
telling, etc., or to dancing, theatricals or tableaux, if 
there is a large house-party. 

The hostess suggests the evening amusements and 
joins in them herself; she proposes the time for re- 
tiring, eleven o'clock being the usual hour for saying 
good-night, although earlier hours are frequently 
kept in quiet households. She may say pleasantly 
and informally that it is the custom of the family to 
keep early hours, or that she thinks her guests may 
be tired after the journey or the day's outing, or 
something of that sort. She then rises, and there 
is a general breaking up, and all say good-night and 
go to their rooms. 

A clever, tactful hostess will make her guests feel 

[ 222 ] 



la H^ittHi in a Contitrp ^tnute 

that they are doing precisely what they prefer to do 
during their visit. 

An important consideration in arranging a house- 
party is that there should be good servants who will 
fully understand their duties and will be attentive in 
caring for the comfort of guests. A number of 
horses in the stable will help materially to make the 
W ^ ple-s^U, U. dxivL .nd ridi. 

Automobiles have increased the facilities for trips 
to suburban country clubs» and "week-end" parties 
are frequently given by those who are club members 
and find this a pleasant way of entertaining friends. 

House-parties need not be exclusively for those 
who can afford to entertain lavishly. Moderate 
means and a simply managed household need not 
deter a hostess from showing hospitaUty. Riends 
may be invited to spend a few days, and the visit may 
be very enjoyable in simple country diversions. A 
welcome to a country house in summer, where one 
may feel at leisure to have that friendly intercourse 
with one's hostess which is not often possible in 
town, goes far towards making life pleasurable, and 
towards the encouragement of friendship. 



[228] 



CHAPTER XXXII 

THE DUTIES OF A GUEST 

THE first duty when receiving an invitation to 
spend a few days or a week at a friend's 
house is to reply immediately. To be 
prompt indicates courteous consideration for the 
hostess, whose plans and the plans of her friends, 
perhaps, depend upon the reply. If impossible to 
accept, on account of other engagements, it is un- 
pardonable to suggest that one would come at some 
future time. If writing to accept, it is important to 
repeat the date and hour named by the hostess, in 
order to avoid mistakes. For instance, one may say : 

My dear Mrs. While: 

I shall be delighted to corns to you from Saturday ^ 
AugtLst twelfth^ until Wednesday^ the sixteenth, and 
expect to arrive by the four4hirty train mentioned 
in your note. 

It is charming of you to ash me and I am looking 
forward vnth mvch pleasure to seeing you. 

Yours sincerely, 

Louise Delafield. 

A guest's duty is to adapt herself to household 
ways, to be punctual at meals, to give no trouble in 



Wbt Bttttess of a ^iteieit 



any way, to be careful not to arrange plans or make 
engagements without consulting the wishes of the 
hostess. A serious obligation is never to gossip about 
peculiarities or family imperfections with other guests 
or to discuss such matters elsewhere after the visit is 
over. A prudent silence and discretion will go far 
towards making one's reputation as an honorable 
friend as well as a desirable guest. 

An agreeable visitor never appears indifferent about 
what is planned, for her amusement, tries to make 
herself acceptable to every one, responds readily 
to any request to contribute by her accomplish- 
ments to the general pleasure, not for personal dis- 
play but from a genuine wish to help to entertain. 
If one can sing, play, take a hand at whist, tell a good 
story, or assist in arranging games, charades or 
theatricals, it is a duty to comply with the least hint 
from host or hostess suggestive of the wish for aid. 

A mistake frequently n^ade by a guest is to imagine 
that everything is to be done for his or her own con- 
sideration or amusement, while no return is due the 
hostess. The tiresome guest gives the impression 
that she is being neglected unless continually en- 
tertained. It is well for a guest to study tact in 
knowing when to efface herself, when to go and read 
a book, or go to her room to take a nap or write 
letters, or even pretend to do so, rather than bore 
the hostess with her constant presence. 

If a girl has men friends in the place where she is 

[225] 



de CtiQttette of ^in Sorfc IEo4Kip 

visitiiig, she may say to her hostess that she would 
like to let her friends know where she is staying and 
have them caU, if she has no objection. Their names 
must be mentioned to the hostess. There are two 
reasons for this courtesy. A hostess has the right to 
know who comes to her house, and if she has any 
reason for not wishing a certain visitor, she may say 
so politely. A guest must be particular to introduce 
her friends to the hostess and her daughters when 
they call. 

To take the liberty of receivinir a man without ask- 
ing pennisaion of ^e's hoatZwould be unpardoo- 
able, or to make a convenience of a friend's house in 
order to receive a young man who may be under the 
disapproval of a giri's parents is in the worst taste. 

A safe rule is never to be persuaded to overstay the 
time stated for one's visit. A wise guest will not 
wear out her welcome. A provisional engagement 
at home or elsewhere may help one to be firm in de- 
clining to be urged to remain. It is best to speed 
away and make one's departure sincerely regretted 
rather than to stay and find that the staying makes 
one's extended visit fall rather flat. 

On one's departure it is customary to follow the 
popular rule of feeing the maid who has given per- 
sonal attention. The housemaid who has cared for 
one's room and the waitress should be remembered. 
At least a dollar should be given to each after a few 
days' visit, or an extra half dollar or two dollars if a 

[ 226 1 



tE^e Iduttesi of a Outsit 



visit has been for a week or more. There have been 
instances known where hostesses have objected to 
having fees given to servants, stating that their 
wages liberally repaid them for any extra service 
rendered to guests, but these instances are rare, and 
unless one is requested to refrain from feeing ser- 
vants after a visit, it is understood that fees should 
be given and these dignitaries propitiated. 

On one's return home it is obhgatory to write a 
cordial note to one's hostess, expressing pleasure in 

kindness. Allusions to special pleasures and kind 
messages to members of the family may be included 
in something of this sort: 

My dear Mrs. White: 

I shaU not let another moment pass vnthout telling 
you how much I enjoyed my visit to youy and how 
truly I appreciate all that you did to make my visit 
a delightful one. I shall keep in mind charming 
thoughts of the drives, walks, and happy days and 
evenings at Chestnut Hill. 

RemeTnher me most kindly to Mr. White, and 
believe me. 

Yours sincerely, 

Louise Delafield. 



[827] 



CHAPTER XXXIII 

GARDEN PARTIES 

A GARDEN party is merely an afternoon tea 

/% out of doors, yet it has the charm of a pic- 
-^ — ^ turesque background, a freedom from arti- 
ficiality, and guests find pleasure in the novelty of 
the scene and the opportunity to enjoy the simple 
delights which nature generously provides. 

Beautiful lawns, fine trees, well-kept, stately gar- 
dens may add to the attractions of such an outdoor 
party, but a very pleasant entertainment may be 
given at a small, unpretentious country place with a 
pretty lawn and a few shade trees. 

The occasion admits of ojffering hospitality to a 
laige number of guests whom it might not be con- 
venient to entertain except at this sort of a gather- 
ing, and for this reason it is desirable for a country 
hostess. 

Fair skies and sunshine are essential parts of a 
successful garden party, but these cannot be ordered, 
and if the weather proves unfavorable, there is 
nothing to do but yield gracefully to fate and have 
the reception indoors. Guests are expected to come 
even though the afternoon is cloudy and skies are 

[228] 



<f$atben Arties! 



threateniDg and nothing but a storm should prevent 
them from arriving. 

Invitations are issued a week or two weeks in ad- 
vance, but in a small place even a few days' notice 
would be sufficient. A formal invitation engraved 
for the occasion is used, if the function is to be elabo- 
rate, or the visiting card of the hostess may be used, 
with the date and hour in the lower comer and the 
words, "Grarden Party." 

If friends are expected to come from a distance by 
train, a card is enclosed bearing particulars about 
trams and information that carriages will meet the 
trains specified. Carriages arrive at the front door, 
where guests dismount and where a servant desig- 
nates the rooms where they may leave wraps. Guests 
then hasten to greet the hostess, who receives on the 
lawn, and wears a pretty afternoon dress and a hat. 

On the veranda and on the lawn under trees should 
be a good supply of chairs and seats and some small 
tables. Rugs are spread on the grass. Several sets 
of tennis should be provided for the young people. 
An archery contest with two or three simple prizes 
is sure to create enthusiasm. Guests are expected 
to amuse themselves, wander about the grounds and 
partake of refreshments when they wish. 

At a large garden party a band of music is con- 
sidered necessary, and enlivens the occasion to a 
great degree. 

The refreshments may be served from a table 

[229] 



V^ CtiQttette of .^el» f^orfc (Eb4H^ 

under the trees, or under a tent or marquee, or the 
table may be in the house. 

Salads, cold salmon with mayonnaise sauce, dainty 
sandwiches, ices, cakes, '* claret cup, "grapes, peaches 
and other fruit may be served, or there may be only 
such simple things as iced and hot tea, lemonade, 
cake and fruit punch. 

On the table should be a sufficient supply of china, 
silver, glass and napkins. Servants should be in- 
structed to serve the things quickly and neatly and 
to remove promptly everything that is not fresh and 
clean and to bring another supply. Two young 
gills or matrons, wearing their smartest summer 
gowns and hats, preside at the table and pour tea. 

Dancing is not often indulged in at a garden party, 
the young people usually preferring outdoor sports. 
A pleasant surprise may be given the guests by the 
introduction of a country dance gracefully performed 
on the lawn by young girls in *' Dresden Shepherd- 
ess'' costumes with beribboned hats and gilded 
crooks, or the afternoon may terminate with a gay 
** Viif;inia Reel," in which many guests may partici- 
pate. 

In arranging for a garden party, a thoughtful 
hostess must consider providing stabling or shelter 
for horses of guests and refreshment for chauiffeurs 
and coachmen. 



[230] 



CHAPTER XXXIV 

IN PUBLIC 

MUCH wisdom is in the remark made by an 
observant person: "Unless you can be 
sure of bearing yourself with courtesy and 
good-humor, you should avoid crowds for your own 
sake as well as out of consideration for others." To 
hesLT one's self with good-humor in the midst of an- 
noyances; to keep, with sweetness and serenity, the 
self-control and politeness in a crowd that we prac- 
tise in a drawing-room, may not be easy, but is worth 
the effort. For our own sake, for our dignity and 
self-respect, we do not wish to fafl in courtesy, even 
though the quality may be absent in others. 

Well-bred people do not push others aside in the 
entrances of shops, theatres or churches. They are 
particular in not standing in the way of passers-by 
when conversing with friends. They do not loiter 
looking in shop windows but walk quickly from 
place to place. 

When passing in the street, the rule is to keep to 
the right. Any hesitation in r^ard to this custom 
may make a very ridiculous situation when two per- 
sons advance towards one another. When walking 

[ 831 ]| 



(Elbe etiquette oC ^tn |9orfc tEd4ttip 

in the street with a man a girl does not allow him to 
carry her parasol. If she has a book or a parcel it is 
polite of him to relieve her of a thing of this sort. 

It is a mark of provincialism for people to walk 
arm in arm, or for a man to walk between two women. 
His place is at the outside of the street. If a lady is 
very old or infirm and requires assistance he may 
offer his arm; otherwise it is unnecessary. He must 
never touch a woman's arm to assist her over a cross- 
ing, unless she is old and infirm. 

The occasions are very few when a woman may 
take a man's arm. A bride takes her father's arm 
when walking up the church aisle for the wedding 
ceremony and takes the bridegroom's arm when 
leaving the church. At a wedding reception, an 
usher may offer his arm to a lady to take her to speak 
to the bride, but at any party a wife does not enter 
the room leaning on her husband's arm. He walks 
beside her, or he may be a few steps in advance. In 
the street after dark a woman does not take her es- 
cort's arm, unless there is a crowd, or when, in win- 
ter, the streets may be slippery. The escort simply 
walks beside her to show that she is not alone. 

Grood manners require that voices should be re- 
strained in public. To talk about absent persons, 
to mention names, is not well-bred. Quiet tones 
should be used in speaking to the person one is ad- 
dressing. How often we notice the very opposite 
of a quiet manner in our feUow-voyagers. Boister- 

[232] 



3n gillie 



ous voices, loud laughing, private affairs freely dis- 
cussed, show a lack of dignity. The very worst man- 
ners are those of persons who try to draw attention 
to themselves. Reticence is a desirable quality to 
cultivate when in public places. Well-bred persons 
try to avoid observation rather than to court it. 

The travelling public is not courteous. Pushing, 
jostling, struggling for points of vantage, regardless 
of the needs, or convenience or comforts of others, 
are the methods adopted by the majority. Selfish- 
ness is in the ascendant, and selfishness is directly 
opposed to good manners, because good manners 
have their root in kindness, sincerity and considera- 
tion. If we reserve our good manners for our friends 
and throw them off in public, we are not sincere, but 
superficial and unreal. 

The selfish traveller monopolizes more than a right- 
ful share of space on a train, fills an adjacent seat 
with bag, parcel or wrap, ignores the fact that any 
one is in search of a seat, and if asked politely if the 
seat is engaged, gives a look of defiance and removes 
the impedimenta with an ungracious manner, mak- 
ing the newcomer feel guilty of an intrusion. The 
selfish traveller throws a wrap over the back of the 
seat, or opens a window and lets in dust, cinders and 
draught, without inquiring whether the open window 
may be disagreeable to the person in the rear seat. 
'*I am paying for my seat. I shall do as I please," 
reflects the selfish traveller. Yes, but others have 

X288] 



IB^t CUQitette of Ht^ ^orfc (Eo-)uip 

equal rights on a train, and to ignore their rights b 
to proclaim one's self rude and boorish. 

In r^ard to paying car-fare» it is always best to 
have one's fare ready when entering a street car, but 
if a friend with whom one enters a car pays one's 
fare» it is more polite to acquiesce with good grace 
than to insist on returning it or to dbpute about it, 
even in a good-natured way. 

Women are supposed to take precedence of men 
on all occasions; therefore, a lady precedes a man 
in entering a church, or other public place, unless 
there is a great crowd and he can add to her comfort 
or convenience by preceding her. He should hold 
open a door for her. As a rule, at a theatre the usher 
walks first down the aisle to show the seats, and a 
man may go before a woman, standing in the aisle 
for her to pass and take her seat before he takes his. 
In a private house a woman usually goes down and 
up stairs before a man ; in a public place he precedes 
her. In church a woman walks up the aisle before 
the man, after the usher. 

When one is in church, a reverent, quiet manner 
should be observed. Nothing is more inappropriate 
to the occasion or place than talking, whispering, or 
exchanging greetings when walking down a church 
aisle after service. Church-going is not for social 
purposes, and one must wait for conversation with 
friends until out of the building. Introductions 
must never l)e made in a church. To glance at 

[234] 



9n ^ttbltt 



one's watch during a service is to be lacking in 
manners. 

The rules for owners of pews in churches are the 
same as though entering one's house with guests. 
For instance, Mr. and Mrs. A. have Mr. and Mrs. B. 
visiting them and all go to church. Mrs. A. should 
allow her guest, Mrs. B., to enter the pew first; 
Mrs. A. should enter next, because women precede 
men, and Mr. B., the guest, should then enter the 
pew, and Mr. A., the host, would come last and be 
at the end or head of the pew, near the aisle. 

The correct way for a family to enter a pew in 
church is for the mother to enter first and go to the 
end of the pew; the daughters follow, then the sons, 
and the father, as the head of the family, has the seat 
at the end of the pew, near the aisle. If the parents 
are in the pew when the young people arrive, the 
father moves out to let them pass in and then re- 
sumes his place. It makes no difference whether 
the elder or younger sister enters first. If one of the 
sisters is accompanied by a man friend, there is no 
reason why he should be seated next to her. There 
is no special rule, except that the parents occupy the 
head and foot of the pew, and that the young girls 
precede the young men, and the young man who 
is a guest, precedes the son of the family. There 
should be no fuss about it. Nothing looks worse 
than a commotion about taking seats in church. A 
woman may offer a hymn-book to a man in church, 

[236] 



ISbt CtfQitette of ^to f^mk <E6-ba? 

but it has a sentimental appearance to look over the 
same book with him. At the dose of the service in 
an Episcopal church a prayer is usually said in the 
vestry after the recessional, when the clergy and 
choristers retire from the church and the congr^a- 
tion kneels reverently at the moment until the clos- 
ing» '* Amen/' is chanted. Even though one may be 
a stranger and not a member of the church, it is 
always reverent and proper to conform to the cus^ 
toms in any church service. 

When driving in a victoria, brougham, automo- 
bile, or other carriage, the present custom is for a 
lady to keep the right-hand seat of her own carriage, 
even when accompanied by a guest. 



[2861 



CHAPTER XXXV 

TRAVELLING 

THE first duty in travelling is to be well-behaved 
and quietly dressed. Well-bred people are 
careful never to do anything which attracts 
attention in public. They are not loud of voice or 
free in gesture. People who assume an air of im- 
portance or assertive independence, or who are ex- 
acting and fault-finding when in hotels and imagine 
that they are gaining the good opinion of others, may 
be critically judged and perhaps ridiculed by those 
whom they wish to impress. 

Newly married people who are well-bred are 
particular not to make themselves conspicuous by 
demonstrative attentions to each other. 

Women travel about much more independently in 
these days than some years ago, and a quiet, digni- 
fied manner will always command respect, while 
tact, conmion-sense and good temper are absolute 
necessities in travelling. Young unmarried women 
or young girls do not travel about alone or go to 
hotels without the protection of an older woman 
whose knowledge of the world will save them from 
annoyance and adverse criticism. 

[287] 



(Efie ttUputtt of iUt» $ork HMmjf 

It is best to write to the proprietor of the hotel 
where it b proposed to stop, engaging rooms in ad- 
vance; thus travellers will be saved ihe inconve- 
nience of uncertainty and wiU show a courtesy to the 
proprietor. Ladies travelling alone should plan to 
arrive before evening. When arriving at a hotel, 
women enter at the ladies' entrance, and they may 
go to the office and raster, or to a reception-room 
and send a hall-boy for the derk and inquire about 
rooms, etc. 

When travelling rapidly from place to place one 
needs a smaH amount of luggage and few dresses. 
If it is the intention to remain some weeks at a hotel, 
it may be necessary to have more variety in dress, 
but people show best taste who do not dress for dis- 
play but for utility at hotels. Much depends on 
one's plan for the morning or evening as to how one 
shall dress, but if one aims at simplicity one can 
never be at fault. A skirt and a jacket of cloth or 
cheviot, a simple hat, gloves of gray suMe or tan 
dogskin are appropriate for day wear. At breakfast 
or luncheon the street dress may be worn, and the 
hat if one is going out, or at luncheon a reception 
dress and hat if going to the theatre or to a tea. In 
the evening a crepe de Chine, or foulard, high in the 
neck; or a silk waist with skirt of corresponding 
color of voile or silk may be worn. 

There should be prudence about making casual 
acquaintances at hotels. One may exchange ordi- 

[238] 



(Etabellms 



nary civilities, which need go no farther. At table 
one should converse in low tones and should give 
orders to the servants quietly. In r^ard to chance 
acquaintances there are some very positive rules of 
etiquette. In travelling, for instance, a girl may re- 
ceive some little service from a stranger, the o£Per of 
a seat, some polite attention in case of difficulty 
about the luggage, or some such trifling civility, but 
this would not mean that they should enter into any 
further conversation, and a well-bred man would 
not presume in any way on such an occasion, nor 
would it mean that a future bowing acquaintance 
would be kept up; and if a girl should bow to a man 
afterwards who had not been introduced it would 
be a breach of etiquette. In a railway carriage in 
Europe people frequently talk together during a 
journey, exchange newspapers, etc., and if they meet 
the next day they may bow, but after that it would 
be unnecessary and unusual to do so. In a train in 
America people do not talk to strangers, the train 
being very diflFerently arranged from the foreign rail- 
way carriage, which only a few persons occupy. 

On an ocean steamer passengers may speak to one 
another, but this does not constitute a continued ac- 
quaintance after leaving the ship. In fact, it is a 
point about which great discretion may be used. 
It need hardly be added here that a chance acquaint- 
ance should never be made in the street, on a beach 
at a seaside resort, or at any other public place. 

[239] 



When gmog to a hotel a man enters with his wife 
at the ladies' entnince, and she may wait in one of 
the reception rooms while he goes to the office. 

When ordering a meal at the hotel one selects from 
the menu what is desired and the entire order may 
be given to the servant, who will be expected to 
bring the things in regular courses, or one may order 
the next course as each separate course is brought, 
but the first method saves delay. 

It is not expected that one should re^ster at a hotel 
if merely taking a meal there, although this is fre- 
quently done in country hotels in summer. 

After finishing a meal the servant is asked to bring 
the ** check " or bill and the money is given to him to 
pay the cashier. He returns the change and one is 
expected to give him a ** tip." If stopping at a hotd 
for any length of time, and where meals are ordered 
h la carte^ each meal may be charged to one's account 
b, «g,^ «.«•, n^L..^ or slip bought b, 
the servant. The usual tip to a waiter at a restau- 
rant or in a dining-car would be at least twenty-five 
cents for two persons. At expensive hotels or res- 
taurants much larger tips are expected and given if 
good service is expected. 

At a hotel one leaves an order at the office with the 
clerk if wishing to be called to take an early train. 

In a dining-car one dresses as in a hotel restaurant. 
A travelling dress and hat are worn. 

For a sleeping-car it is usual to provide one's self 

[MO] 



tErobelUns 



with a thin wrapper of silk or other material which 
may be slipped over a night-dress when going to and 

and inconvenient place and not always free from in- 
terruptions. unl Jone is selfish and excludes other 
women. In most trains there are staterooms which 
may be had at an extra charge and which are en- 
tirely private. Sleeping-car travel is disagreeable. 
Some people prefer to remove their clothing and put 
on a night-dress; others merely remove such things 
as would be crushed. When travelling at night by 
boat one has a stateroom and there one undresses 
and retires. The general customs when travelling 
by boat are the same as at a hotel. 

The question of letters of introduction is a serious 
one. A letter of introduction is given only when a 
person is visiting a city where the writer has a friend 
residing. It is not given unless there is some reason 
to suppose that the acquaintance will be mutually de- 
sirable. No one has the right to presume to tax a 
friend with social duties or to seem to exact hospi- 
talities; therefore, the giving of a letter of introduc- 
tion is a delicate matter. A letter of introduction 
is unsealed when given to any one. When one is es- 
tablished in a hotel, the letter of introduction is en- 
closed in another envelope with one's visiting card 
bearing the transient address and sent out. The 
lady to whom it is addressed should call on the vis- 
i4 stranger and afterwards invite her to dine or 

[ 841 ] 



show her some hospitality. The call should be re- 
turned within a week and a call made after receiving 
any invitation. It must be remembered that an obli- 
gation devolves on the person who receives hospital- 
ity through a letter of introduction. Courtesy must 
be shown to those who entertain a stranger when 
they may come to one's own town. 

If a letter of introduction is for a business purpose 
it may be delivered in person with one's card, but 
that is not allowable in social matters. 

One does not ask women whom one meets to call 
when they may be in one's own town. One may 
say» *'I hope you will let me know when you will be 
in so that I may call to see you." 

In visiting foreign countries travellers requiring 
advice may call without introduction on the consul 
of their nation and feel sure of receiving any official 
aid necessaiy. 

Feeing is an established custom on ocean steam- 
ers, and in England and on the Continent. Fees on 
steamers differ according to the line. The stew- 
ardess on the ships of large companies will expect 
ten shillings (two dollars and a half), if she has given 
much attention, but less if few demands have been 
made on her; five shillings would be given to the 
steward, three to five to the deck steward, according 
to service rendered, and five to ten to the table 
steward. On the smaller lines and slower ships less 
is expected and given. At small hotels or lodgings 

[242] 



CrabelKtts 



a shilling to the waiter and the same to the maid 
would be given by some persons, after a stay of a 
day; for a two weeks' stay fair tips would be ten 
shillings to the waiter and five shillings to seven 
and sixpence to the maid. Boys who run errands 
and porters who care for luggage expect small fees. 
Cab drivers are given a tip in addition to the regular 
charge. It is best to know precisely what will be 
the rates for cab-hire before engaging a cab. The 
driver is paid on arriving at one's destination, not 
before starting. 

Living at lodgings in London or at small hotels 
is best for women. Lodgings may be had in pleas- 
ant neighborhoods, including meals, or one may 
take luncheon at one of the nice restaurants where 
women go. Ladies can go alone to the theatre in the 
evening with perfect propriety, and as cabs are quite 
reasonable in price it is an easy matter to call one to 
go there and to return. 

Facilities of travel are among the many advan- 
tages of the present day, yet there is an art in travel- 
ling, as in other things, and the pleasure of a trip 
depends greatly on whether we adopt a right or a 
wrong method at the outset. To begin a journey 
when exhausted by packing and hurrying at the last 
moment is not conducive to comfort. The quantity 
of clothes to take on a European trip depends some- 
what on individual needs, the season, the length of 
time one expects to be absent and whether or not 

[248] 



IKfie CtiQiidtt of ^etD $orfc HMu^ 

ectmomy of space is to be the rule. Experienced 
travellers find in regard to luggage that a trunk, a 
bag and a shawl-strap are sufficient for a woman who 
proposes going even to great distances and various 
climates. A travelling rug, long coat, overshoes, 
umbrella and a guide-book, an opera glass, and a 
few medicines are necessaries. In the matter of 
dress it must be remembered that on a steamer people 
dress as they do at a hotel. A list of needfuls can- 
not be briefly given, but one is wise if one carries all 
the trifles that belong to the toilet and the portfolio. 
It is always desirable to have a supply of note paper 
of best quality in case the necessity should arise for 
writing notes of ceremony, as it is not in good taste 
to write these on hotel paper. Vidting cards should 
not be forgotten. 

Aside from these practical details, there is the 
broader necessity of possessing an intelligent, ob- 
servant and a receptive mind. Cultivation and im- 
agination are valuable adjuncts to one who would 
really appreciate the happiness of travel. The 
knowledge of history and literature adds to the 
interest of the scenes visited. Some people rush 
through countries and fancy they have travelled. 
They know the places abroad where one may get 
good clothes and food, yet they go through the world 
seeing nothing. 



[244] 



99 
99 



CHAPTER XXXVI 

APPROPRIATE DRESS 

IN these days of extravagant and conspicuous 
dressing it seems futile to advise moderation 
and simplicity in attire. When Shakespeare 
counselled, '* Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy, 
he added the saving clause, *' Rich, but not gaudy. 

It has been truly said that a climax of splendor 
and inappropriatenL in dress characterizes fashion 
at the present time. Costly fabrics and jewels are 
beautiful when worn appropriately, but there are 
occasions when they are out of place. 

Authorities in good taste always claim that suc- 
cessful dressing lies in the avoidance of over^iec- 
oration or exaggeration, and the adapting of each 
novelty to individual requirements. 

The expression "simpUcity in dress" is often mis- 
U^.\ do., oo. ^ wh.. in „»», day, 
meant white muslin and blue ribbons. It means 
rather the avoidance of complex designs in fashions, 
or abundance of trimming, and it stands for perfec- 
tion in cut. 

To dress in accordance with one's means and cir- 
cumstances does not imply that a woman of wealth 
should don extravagant attire. On the other hand, 

[246] 



to diess more expensivdy than one can afford is to 
lose the respect of others. 

The street dress is of first importance. A strictly 
taUor-made gown is essential to a modem woman, 
and when expense is not to be considered one of 
these dresses is purchased at the b^inning of every 
spring and winter season. 

In winter for the street in the morning a gown of 
dark doth, rough or smooth, a hat not too large, 
calfskin boots and dogskin gloves are worn. 

Fine doth or vdvet is worn when going to after- 
noon receptions in winter, and although light colors 
and daborate trimmings are seen in the street, these 
costumes are more appropriate when driving. White 
kid gloves and patent-leather shoes are for afternoon 
dress. 

For church a woman's dress should be incon- 
spicuous and not suggest that it has occupied her 
thoughts, nor that it is worn to attract attention. 
Large hats in church interfere with the view of those 
who sit in the rear. 

The attire for golf is a short cloth skirt, flannel 
waist, soft fdt hat plainly trimmed. A jacket of red 
cloth is affected by some persons. In warm weather 
a skirt and shirt-waist of white duck, a hat of stitched 
duck or a straw sailor hat, or Panama hat are worn 
by young girls. Chamois gloves buttoned on the 
back of the hand, russet shoes with rubber on the 
soles are worn. 

[ 246 1 . 



$ap9t09riate BrettS 



For automobiling a long, loose coat, heavy gloves 
with gauntlets, a hat rather small, without feathers, 
and which will defy the wind, and a large chiffon 
veil securely fastened are for comfort. 

The conventional riding-habit is of black or Ox- 
ford-gray cloth, severely plain. The coat is a tight- 
fitting, three-quarter coat, almost touching the saddle 
and cut away in front. It is worn over a waistcoat 

or .hW.w.i,t The AW flu U» %». .od ju« 

covers the foot when the rider is in the saddle. Knee- 
breeches or black tights are under the skirt. A 
Derby hat, white pique stock, dogskin gloves, rid- 
ing-boots and crop complete the attire. The coat is 
unbuttoned in summer, or coat and waistcoat are 
discarded. The innovation in riding-habits is the 
divided skirt for children or very young girls for 
country use in cross-saddle riding, but it has not 
found much favor as yet. A loose sack coat is 
worn with it over a shirt-waist. A black sailor hat 
is used for riding in summer in the country. 

For every function of society held in the day- 
time dresses high in the neck are worn. When 
having "days at home" dresses of light-weight 
cloth or chiffon-cloth in pale colors, silks, crepe de 
Chine, or fine woollen fabrics are worn by young 
women and girls; darker gowns or handsome black 
gowns by older women. 

Tea gowns are not worn at teas, in spite of the 
name. They are not worn when receiving visitors 

[247] 



Q^e CtiQitttte of Ht^ l^orfc tCo-lmp 

except for a most informal occasion» when an inti- 
mate woman friend comes in for a cosey chat» but 
they are used rarely. 

If an informal dinner or dance is to follow an after- 
noon tea the young giris recdving may wear dresses 
with an open cut about the throat, thin sleeves or 
short sleeves with long gloves, but never decollet6 
dresses in the afternoon. 

At dinners, balls, evening parties and in opera 
boxes low-necked gowns are worn. Married women 
wear handsome satins, velvets, crapes or spangled 
nets. In staUs at the opera high-necked gowns are 
worn, although low-necked gowns are preferred by 
some persons. 

At balls young giris wear dresses of light, diaph- 
anous materials, tulle, chiffon or cr^pe de Chine. 
A young girl's dress is never very low in the neck. 
Girls of medium height sometimes prefer dresses to 
touch or clear the floor. Tall girls look best in 
trains. Slippers of satin to match the color of 
evening gowns are worn, or slippers of gold or sU- 
ver tinsel cloth. No jewelled ornaments are seen 
» yo^g gi* «».p..' p^tap,. . *tag rf p«rf, 
around the throat. Mamed women wear their rar- 
est jewels. 

It is not yet considered good form to wear gowns 
cut low in the neck when dining in public. This 
fashion, which prevails in England, has not met with 
general approval here. Gowns with unlined yokes of 

[248] 



iSppropdate J^vtSi 



lace or chi£Fon are chosen and hats are worn. Theatre 
dresses and reception dresses worn at home are very 
sunilar and may be of silk, or lace, or chiffon-doth 
and are used for dining in public. These dresses 
have long skirts and are worn when driving, not 
when on foot, and are covered by long wraps when 
going to the play. Hats are removed at "the play," 
as the term is now. A pretty bodice may be worn 
with a skirt of silk or cloth if one does not wish elab- 
orate attire. 

At a day wedding the mother of the bride usually 
wears a gown of velvet, fine cloth, silk or crepe de 
Chine of mauve or gray, and a toque or small hat, 
if it is a church wedding, and retains her hat after 
returning to the house. 

Bridesmaids' dresses are suggested in another 
chapter. Bridesmaids wear black patent-leather 
slippers and black silk stockings. Flower girls or 
children with short dresses wear black stockings 
and patent-leather pumps or ties with plain, rather 
low heels. 

Gloves are removed when taking one's seat at a 
luncheon or dinner and resumed when returning 
to the drawing-room. Any innovation in turning 
gloves back and tucking them about the wrist is to 
be avoided. At a tea-table or when playing cards 
gloves are inappropriate. At a standing-up supper 
one may keep on gloves. A hostess wears gloves at 
an evening party, but not when receiving before a 

[249] 



Wjt CtiQiiette of AOn |9orfc QMup 

dinner or luncheon. At a garden party a hostess 
who expects to go out among her guests may wear 
a hat. 

For graduating gowns giris wear white oigandy» 
mull, point d*^prit, or soft silk, high in the neck or 
with a yoke which may be changed for summer 
evening dances. 

For morning wear at home women may use charm- 
ing n^lig^es, but these must be of the daintiest, 
freshest sort. Breakfast jackets are of silk, crepe, 
batiste or flannel, with lace or embroidery. Gowns 
in pale colors or black may be of crepe with chiffon, 
or embroidery, or lawn over silk in warm weather. 

Women who have passed their first youth are care- 
ful to study the style of dress adapted to their color- 
ing and figure. Materials of the handsomest sort 
must be chosen by older women. They need not 
always wear black, although a black gown of velvet, 
satin or brocade with white lace is always becoming. 
Lace jabots and collars are appropriate. The 
avoidance of harsh outlines in details wiU be satis- 
factory. Except for a walking gown for utility 
elderiy women should wear long skirts and study long 
lines in the effect. In summer the materials chosen 
by older women are foulard, ^tamine, veiling or 
dimity for morning use; grenadine, soft silk or black 
net for evening. 

Young women in summer in the countiy wear 
white duck or linen skirts and shirt-waists in the 

[260] 



iSpinropnate IBttisi 



morning, and in the afternoon, foulard, organdy or 
batiste. 

Of late years flowers have been completely ban- 
ished from wear. Violets are the one exception to 
the rule and they may be worn at any time, with any 
dress. 



[ 261 1 



CHAPTER XXXVII 

ACCESSORIES OF DRESS 

FANS have played aii important part in the 
worid of fashion since the seventeenth cen- 
tury. The noted artists of France often 
devoted their skill to pwiting these dainty accessories 
of evening dress. Any one who possesses an antique 
fan treasures it in a cabinet or frames it and hangs 
it on the wall. An heirloom of the sort is too choice 
for careless use. 

The modem fans are in great variety of styles. 
They are costly as the purse can buy or inexpensive 
enough to suit the purchaser of modest means. For 
the bride there are fans of rare point lace set with 
sticks of pearl. Beautiful fans are painted in water 
colors on vellum, kid, silk or paper. The Louis 
XV. style is very charming. The central cartouche 
contains a figure scene, a pastoral, a graceful mytho- 
logical fancy or portrait groups. The figures are in 
the costume of the period with powdered hair. The 
painting is in tender tints of rose, gray, green and 
delicate, vaporous blue. The sticks are of mother- 
of-pearl or ivory, inlaid with gold, silver or enamel 
and sometimes enriched with gems. 

[262] 



^tttusioxitsi of ^vtsii 



The Louis XVI. style is somewhat the same, but 
the figures are more generally enclosed in a medal- 
lion, and the spaces between are filled with graceful 
ornamentation, festoons of flowers, loops or bows of 
ribbon supporting smaller medallions. Garlands, 
urns and vases are characteristics of this style of 
ornament, and the sticks are in fine carving and 
gilding in various tints. The Empire fan is espe- 
pially fashionable and is of gauze decorated with 
^spangles of gold or cut steel arranged in symmet- 
rical patterns. White ostrich feather fans with 
ivory or tortoisesheU sticks are among the expensive 
varieties. 

Very simple fans for young girls are of gauze 
painted with a spray of flowers or with a design of 
roses or jonquils outlining the border, which is cut 
out unevenly, following the design. Fans of black 
lace or gauze are spangled with steel and inlaid or 
overlaid with bands of pale-green or ruby-red rib- 
bon; all fans are moderate in size, the small rather 
than the large fan being the popular fashion. 

Parasols are of brocaded silk or satin in Dresden 
designs, taffeta, chiffon, crepe de Chine, lace and 
embroidery. A special fad is to have elaborate and 
costly handles of ivory, or Dresden miniature paint- 
ings, or handles set with jewels or ornamented with 
coral, lapis lazuli, malachite or onyx. 

There is an art in choosing a parasol, and a woman 
who cannot afford several of these accessories had 

[263] 



18^ CtiQtiette of ^tn $orfc tEo4iap 

best avoid veiy fanciful Silks Of Which she may tire, 
and should never be tempted by cheap lace or perish- 
able chiffon. White parasols are pretty in the coun- 
try, but they soil quickly and are, therefore, an 
extravagant purchase, and the very elaborate and 
ornamental parasols are only for occasional use and 
are not for town, unless in a carriage. The most ser- 
viceable investment is the plain silk coaching parasol 
with handle of medium length of natural wood; 
bamboo, fir or thisilewood being favorites. Bed 
and purple are popular colors. The former may 
be an addition to certain toilettes and a becoming 
background to a dear brunette complexion. Green 
is adapted to some youthful faces with fair com- 
plexions. Deep blue, garnet and tobacco-brown are 
useful colors. Purple and heliotrope are apt to fade 
in the sim. Plain parasols of a soft, good quality 
of silk wear well and are equally appropriate with 
a tailor-made gown or a simple cotton or cambric 
morning dress. 

The color of the hair and clearness of the com- 
plexion have much to do with the appropriate selec- 
tion of color in dress. Blue in its deepest tones, 
and often in its palest tints, is usually becoming to a 
woman with clear white skin and dark-brown or 
chestnut hair, while tan, pink, certain shades of 
violet, dark green and deep red should be equally 
suitable. A woman with auburn hair, or whose 
hair has those tints of amber in it which are so beau- 

[264] 



^usiimtsi tA Btescis 



tiful, may wear yellow if it is used sparingly, and if 
her complexion has the pure white and delicate red 
which accompany such hair, and if eyes are deep 
blue, soft brown or hazel. Although pale colors 
are usually recommended for women with fair hair 
and complexion, more character in the choice of a 
color is often desirable; otherwise the effect is in- 
^sipid. Dark blues and greens, rich browns and 
warm grays are suitable, while some pale shades of 
green, mauve, pink, blue and red may be worn. 
Dark green often makes an olive skin seem clearer. 
Colors which may be becoming when worn below 
the face are not always satisfactoiy in a hat. 

Women with gray hair look well in purple of all 
shades, gray, and some shades of blue. Black is 
more suitable for the street. Colors to be avoided 
by women whose hair is gray are brown and red. 

Fashions for wearing the hair and ornaments for 
the hair are in great variety. The choice for the 
arrangement of the hair should conform gracefully 
to the face and features. The tendency is towards 
large loose waves for the front, sides and back of the 
head. The hair is worn high in twists, loops, puffs, 
knots or a figure eight, very few having the classic, 
head and r^ular features necessary to the low 
coiffure. The exaggerated and aggressive pompa- 
dour is modified, although the fashion is to have the 
hair stand out iiround the face. 

Shell side-combs and small clasps to hold the re- 

[266] 



tK^e CtiQitette o( ^elD gorfc (Eo-liap 

belliouB locks at the nape of the neck are popular. 
Fluffy* rather short hair is not difficult to arrange 
with short curls on the forehead* and the back hair 
rolled in three soft puffs fastened by twisted, serpent- 
like combs at the sides and back. Heavy* long hair 
may be waved, the front divided and firmly adjusted 
and the back hair divided in two, each part braided 
loosely in three-strand braids and fastened securely 
at the crown of the head, then brought down, turned 
and pinned with strong sheU pins. 

Hair ornaments for evening wear are lace bows 
or butterffies, jeweOed and spangled bow knots, 
large, star-shaped lace flowers, chiffon and lace 
rosettes, pink roses or scarlet poppies spangled with 
dewdrops, bandeaux of close-set leaves and berries, 
wreaths of leaves and flowers, with a knot of flowers 
in front. With the hair dressed low it is possible to 
wear more flowers than with the hair high. New or- 
naments for the hair are quite large. Flower wreaths 
are combined with velvet bows and aigrettes. The 
aigrettes are of unusual length and size and oddly 
arranged to stand up straight or almost at right 
angles. 

Gold-leaved wreaths, tinsel wreaths, with a high 
spray of flowers at the left side are used. Mercury 
wings in gold, silver, jet or rhinestones, and jewelled 
combs are for evening wear. 

Girls from fifteen to seventeen divide the hair 
across the crown of the head, wave the front hair 

[ 266 ] 



^Uusiimtsi of ^ttsa 



and braid it or adjust it with combs, letting the 
braid or loose hair unite with the braid of the back 
hair, which is then looped up and tied with a wide 
ribbon. Another bow of ribbon is tied through the 
braid at the top of the head. 



[26T] 



CHAPTER XXXVIII 

DRESS FOR MEN 

A MAN who b wdl dressed is conservative in 
his taste. He wears nothing that is con* 
- spicuous. He chooses clothes of the best 
material* well cut» and quiet in tone. Every detail 
of his attire is selected inevitably with a view to the 
appropriateness of the occasion. He is thoroughly 
conversant with the fact that a certain austere sim- 
plicity in dress marks a man of good taste. He 
. is scrupulously neat, his clothes are well brushed 
and pressed, his shoes are polished, his linen is 
immaculate. 

When formal dress is not necessary, morning attire 
may be worn until evening. It consists of a single- 
breasted sack suit of tweed or cheviot for business 
or general wear; or a cutaway or English walking 
coat of black vicuna or worsted, with waistcoat to 
match, and trousers of different material, striped 
gray. A white linen shirt with standing or turned- 
down collar is worn, and an Ascot or four-in-hand 
tie of dark shade. The hat is a black or brown 
derby, and gloves are of dark-gray suede or tan dog- 
skin, and laced shoes of calfskin with heavy soles are 

[268] 



Btescis (or illeti 



worn. This attire — sack suit or cutaway — is the 
proper dress for travelling. 

With morning dress men often wear striped col- 
ored shirts of madras or linen, always with white 
linen collars. 

An overcoat may be black, dark brown or dark 
gray, of melton, kersey or undressed worsted or 
cheviot, single-breasted. Tan covert coats are rarely 
worn in town, although used sometimes in the 
country. 

A high silk hat should not be worn with a sack 
suit. It is correct only with a cutaway, a frock coat, 
or full evening dress. 

For all social functions between noon and evening, 
for weddings, receptions, afternoon teas, for church 
or for walking, the correct attire is a double-breasted 
frock coat and waistcoat of soft black vicima or 
undressed worsted, or a waistcoat of white duck 
or marseilles; finely striped dark-gray trousers of 
worsted or cassimere, white linen shirt with standing 
collar, a silk Ascot tie or an English square of pearl- 
gray or red, dull green or purple. Plain colors are 
preferred. The scarf-pin is directly in the centre 
of the scarf and rather low. Patent-leather but- 
toned shoes with kid tops, gloves of dogskin or gray 
suhde and a silk hat complete the costume. A walk- 
ing stick may be carried ordinarily, and a bouton- 
ni^re worn for special occasions. This is the dress 
for all-around afternoon wear for the man who must 

[ 869 ] 



IKfie CtAiitette of ^lii |9orfc tCo-tup 

be satisfied with one formal suit. The frock coat in 
daric shades of gray is veiy smart, but not so ser- 
viceable. 

A bridegroom's attire for a morning or an after- 
noon wedding is the formal dress described, varied 
only by a white or pearl silk Ascot tie and pearl- 
colored kid gloves with heavy stitching of the same 
shade. A boutonniere of white flowers is worn. 
The best man and ushers are similarly dressed at a 
day wedding, although at a fashionable function re- 
cently the ushers wore dark-red Ascot ties and dark- 
gray suMe gloves, the effect being noticeably sombre. 

Some men use the cutaway suit in the daytime for 
church, informal social calls, or when dining at home. 

The cutaway coat, or morning coat as it is called 
in England, is in favor in summer, taking the place 
of the formal frock coat. The waistcoat may be of 
white duck or of one of the fancy mixtures which are 
usually a feature of the summer season. The four- 
in-hand tie is the preferred summer fashion. 

There is a marked tendency to be informal in at- 
tire in summer. Strict afternoon dress is not worn 
in midsummer in America. In London during the 
season which reaches into July, men wear frock coats 
and silk hats at afternoon functions, but the fashion 
in America is to discard formal dress for the morn- 
ing coat or cutaway and to wear straw or felt hats, 
the weather being too warm in summer for formal 
attire. 

[260] 



SrestfiC {or 0Un 



In summer men wear suits of flannel, tweed or 
cheviot, straw or felt hats, black shoes in town and 
tan shoes for the countiy. For golf, tennis, driving 
or walking in the country they may wear Norfolk 
suits and golf caps, but there is no special costume 
for sports or outing expeditions. The preferred 
dress for tennis or golf consists of white flannel 
trousers, flannel shirt with linen or flannel collar, and 
a leather belt. For yachting men wear suits of blue 
flannel, or any sack suit, tan or canvas shoes with 
rubber soles. 

For riding, sack coats, waistcoats and breeches of 
tweed and dogskin gloves are worn. Outing caps 
are for country riding. Derby hats are worn for 
riding in the park in town. 

For automobiling in summer light dust coats of 
pongee, khaki, or linen are used. In cool weather 
motor overcoats of tweed are worn and leather caps. 
Buckskin gloves or gauntlets are worn and goggles 
are necessary. In winter fur overcoats and caps 
are for motor use and are of goatskin or coon- 
skin. 

In America silk hats and frock coats are not gen- 
erally worn later than the month of May, nor do they 
appear again until September. At country weddings 
in sunmier a sensible innovation has occurred on 
two or three occasions when bridegroom and ushers 
dispensed with the conventional attire and wore cut- 
away coats, felt or straw hats. Gloves of gray suhde 

[ 261 ] 



tniie ttbputtt oC ^tD $orfc Zo4ujf 



are igppropriate with thb attire, if gloves are used 
at aU. 

At Bar Harbor, Newport, Lenox and at country 
clubs, at outdoor semi-formal affairs in sunmier, 
men wear white flannel suits, white canvas or buck- 
skin shoes, and straw, or Panama, or soft gray felt 
hats. Fancy flannels are also worn, with black 
shoes. Socks are never of a conspicuous color. 
Plain colors are used; the lighter shades are worn 
with tan Oxford shoes. Blue or a color to match 
the tie are preferred. 

The correct dress for all evening occasions, after 
six o'clock, for dinners, balls, theatre, opera, or 
evening weddings, is the full evening dress, the coat 
of black vicuna or fine worsted, faced with black 
silk, the waistcoat of the same material as the coat, 
or of white duck or marseilles, double or single- 
breasted. The trousers are of the same material as 
the coat and may or may not have a line of braid on 
the outer seams. A white linen shirt, standing collar, 
fine white lawn tie, studs of pearl, white enamel or 
gold, sleeve-links of gold, white or pearl-colored 
kid gloves with heavy stitching to match, black 
patent-leather pumps and silk hose are for this at- 
tire. The overcoat may be an Inverness, as this 
slips on easily and is worn only with evening dress. 
A single-breasted black overcoat may be worn and a 
crush opera hat or a silk hat is used. 

A Tuxedo or dining coat of black vicuna, alk-faced, 

[ 262 ] 



^ttsii for iKen 



is intended for informal evening wear in summer. 
It may be worn at home in the evening at other sea- 
sons, but it is not proper to wear it elsewhere, unless 
one is on very intimate terms with the host. A black 
dress waistcoat and a black sUk tie an inch and three- 
eighths in width must be used with a Tuxedo coat. 

If one is sure that his host will not wear evening 
dress for dinner or supper on Sunday evening it is 
permissible to wear a frock coat or a cutaway. 

It is not allowable to wear a high silk hat with a 
Tuxedo coat. A Derby hat in winter or a straw hat 
in summer is correct with such a coat. 

Fashion decrees that while a man need not wear 
an overcoat with a Tuxedo, he must wear one with 
formal evening dress, or carry one on his arm. 

In regard to the cut of a dress coat, ^'You must 
never be able to see the tails of your dress coat," said 
an arbiter of fashion. ** If you do, discard the coat. " 
Of hats the same dictator said, ^^ Always wear a hat 
that is in fashion, losing sight of the becoming." 

Gloves are worn in the street, and at the theatre or 
opera, if accompanying ladies, and at a dance they 
are obligatory. 



[ 263 ] 



CHAPTER XXXIX 

THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING 

THERE has been a decided change within a 
few years in regard to the wearing of mourn- 
ing. It is neither so heavy nor is it worn 
for such long periods as formerly. 

Personal feeling, individual opinion and different 
circumstances must always have an influence on this 
question. There are some who prefer to conform 
to the longest periods prescribed by custom, others 
who adopt the shorter periods, or consult their own 
ideas without fear of criticism. 

Two reasons govern people in wearing mourning; 
one is sincere grief, the second is respect for the 
feelings of others. In the first instance, mourning 
is a protection, a refuge from intrusion, a mark that 
one has retired for a time from social affairs. Even 
though people wear merely "complimentary mourn- 
ing," they should be careful to r^ard carefully the 
restraint which it imposes. 

In England there are fixed rules about the wearing 
of mourning, and these are accepted and under- 
stood. In America the lack of such absolute regu- 
lations causes confusion. The best rule to follow 

[264] 



iE^t CtfQttette o( iRonrning 



is to make mourning deep and definite and then 
leave it off, rather than make it inconsistent. Friv- 
olous mourning is certainly shocking to the instincts 
of those who feel sincerity in grief. 

Two years is the periol for a widow's mourning 
generally observed in Europe and America. Deep 
mourning is used for a year or eighteen months, fre- 
quently for the entire period of two years, sometimes 
three. Some widows retain mourning for many 
years or for life, lightening the mourning, discarding 
the veil and white border in the bonnet after two 
years, but continuing to wear black. A small, close- 
fitting Marie Stuart bonnet is used by most widows 
during the first year, with a narrow white niching 
and long crape veil; a shorter veil during the second 
year; or the bonnet and veil may be laid aside after 
a year and a crape hat substituted. 

Vwo years is the usual period of wearing mourn- 
ing for a parent, a grown son or daughter; deep 
mourning the first year, lighter mourning the second 
year. Many persons prefer to wear deep mourning 
for the entire period. For very young children 
parents sometimes shorten the period considerably. 
One year is the period of mourning for a brother or 
sister. 

Six months is the correct period of mourning for 
a grandparent; three months for an uncle or aunt, 
although some persons claim that mourning is ''not 
obligatory except for nearest relatives." Much de- 

[866] 



tElie CtiQttette of ^io f^otk Vo-bap 

pends, no doubt, on the degree of intimacy or affec- 
tion that had existed, but respect should be shown 
during a suitable time. Black may be substituted 
for deeper mourning and seclusion from society 
observed* 

A young girl under twenty does not wear a crape 
vdl for a parent. Her hat is of crape or chiffon, or 
black straw trimmed with crape or ribbon, with a 
veil of chiffon, or a net face veil bordered with crape. 
If a girl marries after a year of mourning it is allow- 
able for her to leave it off. If the time of mourning 
has not expired a giri may have a very quiet wed- 
di,^. ^^«A, ^^ p,.^.., ..71, .e„ . 
white dress, but continue to wear mourning until 
the period of mourning is over. 

A widower is supposed to wear mourning for two 
years. There is greater latitude allowed men in 
r^ard to mourning or remaining in seclusion, 
possibly because business and other affairs neces- 
sarily demand that they mingle more in the world. 
A widower who follows conservative laws wears a 
deep band on his hat. Men wear hatbands varying 
in degrees of width for parents, children, brothers 
and sisters, and the same rule is followed for near 
relatives of their wives. Six months would be the 
shortest time of seclusion from society or the theatre 
for a widower; a year the shortest period to elapse 
before a second marriage. A son would wear mourn - 
ing for a parent for at least a year. 

[266] 



Wbt Cttqitttte o( iHottntlns 



The conventional periods of wearing mourning 
for the relatives of one's husband are, according to 
an English authority, the same as for one's own rela- 
tives, but in America this custom is not observed. 
Circumstances must decide the choice. While it is 
not in good taste to assume deep mourning garb 
for persons one has not known intimately, it is 
proper to wear black for a time for the parents 
of one's husband and to refrain from going in 
society. 

A member of a family wishing to appear at a wed- 
ding should lay aside deep mourning for the event 
and while dressed in black try to do away with a 
sombre effect. 

The fact of being in mourning does not exclude 
any one from sending a gift for a wedding, birthday 
or other occasion. 

If it is one's preference not to wear crape or deep 
mourning, all black should be worn. If, after the 
death of a near relative, one wears colors, makes 
calls and attends social functions, it must inevitably 
follow that one will be considered heartless. If 
averse to foUowing the strict rules for wearing mourn- 
ing, one can refrain from participating in social life 
until a proper time has elapsed. 

Fashions in mourning head-gear have changed 
most completely. Hats are now substituted for bon- 
nets and the veil of crape or silk veiling is arranged 
to fall in long, graceful folds at the back. Even 

I 267 J 



tKlie etiquette oC Ht^ |9orfc QMuip 

widows in first mouniiiig wear hats, although many 
prefer the conventional small bonnet. 

Conservative persons who object to fanciful shapes 
and trimmings of hats, select the turban shape with 
folds of crape around the brim and the veil fastened 
in folds at the back. With this is worn a face veil 
of net bordered with crape. Crape veils are not 
worn over the face except at funerals, although many 
persons prefer to use a veil in this fashion for a few' 
weeks, and there are ways of arranging a veil on a 
hat so that it may fall over the face or be thrown 
back, if desired. Although crape veils are con* 
sidered the most correct mourning, silk veiling, or 
even nun's veiling may be used, the silk veiling being 
especially light in weight. In sunmier a net veil 
bordered with crape is frequently used pinned back 
on a hat in graceful folds, falling half way down the 
back. 

The fancy mesh face veils are occasionally seen 
bordered with a fold of crape. Dotted veils are not 
used m deep mourning. 

The white crape facings on hats according to 
French mourning are not generally adopted here, 
although occasionally seen. 

Black furs are worn; fox, lynx or varieties of 
Persian lamb. Furs having a tint of brown or gray 
are not permissible. An exception is made in sables, 
these rare and costly furs being used in deepest 
mourning. 

1268] 



tEtft CttQuette of ffbuxnmg, 



Materials used for dresses are of dull finish, either 
wool or silk, henrietta cloth, cheviot, veiling, crepe 
de Chine and other lustreless fabrics. In summer 
there are many thin materials in silk or cotton. 

Crape is used as a trimming in the first period of 
mourning, the most conventional rule being crape 
bands on skirts, or a deep band of crape half way 
up the skirt. Little coats are profusely trimmed 
with crape. Jet trinunings are incongruous, but 
dull jet may be used. 

It is a provincial custom to put a black band on 
a sleeve of a tan jacket. This is not mourning at 
aU and marks a person as ignorant of correct usage. 

Black and white combinations are not deep mourn- 
ing. In warm weather all white or all black may be 
used, but not a mixture. 

Gloves of su^de or glac^ kid are worn. Patent- 
leather shoes or black satin slippers are not correct 
mourning. Dull finished material is used. 

The transparent sheer white lawn turnover collars 
and cuflfs were at one time used exclusively by wid- 
ows, but are now worn by any one in mourning, the 
only distinctioii being that they are narrower than a 
widow's collars and cuffs. No embroidery of any 
sort appears on these collars and cuffs. 

Plain hemstitched handkerchiefs are used, not 
black-bordered handkerchiefs. 

Ostrich feathers, gold jewelry, lace and velvet are 
not appropriate in mourning. Pearls or diamonds 

[269] 



tCbe CtiQitette of ^l» |?ork (BMuip 

are worn. Colored jewels, even as rings, are not 
correct. 

Cards or notes of condolence are acknowledged 
by sending one's visiting card with mourning border 
in envelope to match, and writing across top of card : 

With grateftd appreciation of your kind sympathy. 

Another form is to have a card engraved for the 
purpose, thus: 

Mr. and Mrs. Howard White 
achundedge with grateful appreciation 
the kind expression of your sympathy 

Or, *'Mrs. Blank and the Misses Blank, etc.," 
or, "Mr. S wishes to express his grateful ac- 
knowledgment of your kind sympathy in his bereave- 
ment." These cards are about five and a half inches 
long by three and a half wide and have mourning 
border. 

An old rule was that several months should elapse 
before sending cards in return for calls or cards of 
sympathy. The prevailing custom at present is not 
to delay in this duty. Three or foiu* weeks is the 
average time within which to send cards. 

It is courteous to write notes to friends who have 
sent flowers. 

Visiting cards with mourning border in envelopes 
to match are sent in acknowledgment of invitations 

[270] 



J 



tS^t etiquette of inonmbis 



to church weddings, receptions, etc. An invitation 
requiring a note of reply should be written on note 
pTper^th mourning border. This makes obvious 
the reason for dedining. 

Persons in mourning do not go in society^ nor do 
they receive formal visitors. Visits are not made 
except among relatives and very intimate friends 
and then not during the conventional hours for 
visiting. When persons wish to re-enter society, 
they begin to leave cards on friends and acquaint- 
ances to indicate their intentions. 

Many persons in mourning go to concerts, read- 
ings, and matinees, after some months have passed, 
although the more conservative do not frequent 
matinees. Some persons are so constituted that 
they need diversion or they become morbid. One 
must judge for one's self about the period of seclusion 
and remember that it is not always the most formal 
mourning that is the most sincere. 

Friends who live at a distance are informed by 
telegrams or by notes that a death has occurred in a 
family, or marked copies of the local newspapers 
may be sent containing a notice of the death, or 
notices may be published in the newspapers in cities 
where the friends live. 

Cards should be removed from all floral pieces 
received at a funeral before placing the wreaths, 
etc., in a room where services will be held, or before 
sending the flowers to a church or cemetery. 

[271] 



CHAPTER XL 

THE EMPLOYEES IN A HOUSEHOLD 

A SECRETARY is a daily visitor in some 
households, where a large amount of cor- 
- respondence must be cared for. Livita- 
tions must be replied to, or addressed, and there 
are numerous letters in the daily mail asking in- 
terest in some new charity, or requesting aid or 
interviews. Often a woman of society has serious 
occupations beyond the mere whiri of amusement. 
She may be connected with work of a philanthropic 
nature and her official duties, or conmiittee work, 
entail a constant correspondence, of which a secre- 
tary must take charge. The duties of a secretary 
may include keeping household accounts, filing bills, 
balancing a check book and keeping it in order, 
making out checks for her employer's approval and 
signature. Every morning the secretary comes for 
a stated number of hours. 

A companion is not often required in a house, 
except in the case of a semi-invalid or an elderly 
woman living alone. The duties of a companion 
vary according to circumstances, but, as a rule, she 
would be expected to read aloud well, converse 

[272] 



ISIlH Cmplopeetf m a Hottfel^olfe 

pleasantly, to be tactful, and to know when to talk 
and when to be silent and when to efface herself. 
She must be well-dressed in the appropriate style 
of any well-bred woman. It may be that she would 
be expected to fill social duties, to assist in enter- 
taining, to attend to general correspondence, do 
shopping and be an experienced traveller. 

In a household where there are many servants 
to direct, a housekeeper is essential. Twelve or 
fourteen servants are frequently employed in large 
houses in New York, Newport, Lenox and else- 
where, and the personal supervision of the house 
would be impossible to a woman occupied laigely 
in social life, therefore the responsibility devolves 
on a housekeeper. The qualifications of a person 
in a position of the sort are executive ability, self- 
control, decision, and good judgment. She must 
be systematic and strict; with a keen sense of 
justice towards all those under her supervision, 
with an unfailing sense of conscientiousness towards 
her employer, whose interests she represents. She 
must be discreet and never annoy her employer by 
reporting trivial details, yet keep her informed of 
important matters. The menu each day may be 
made out by the housekeeper and submitted to 
the mistress of the household for examination, ap- 
proval or changes and then given to the cook, but, 
if a chef is employed, it is his duty to prepare the 
menu and send it to the employer for approval or 

[273] 



of .^teto 9tuk tMujf 



alteration. Orders in regard to this important 
matter are taken early in the day. Verbal direc- 
tions may be carried by the housekeeper to the 
cook. Lists for marketing and for the various 
tradesmen are written by the housekeeper, whose 
duty it is to make a memoranda of whatever may 
be needed. She inspects pantries and cellar, to see 
that everything is in order. She has charge of the 
household linen, and gives it out each day and 
selects the fine damask to be used for dinners. 
Her duties may be to superintend the assorting or 
arranging of the flowers which arrive r^ularly 
from the country greenhouses of her employer, 
although the care of the flowers may be rel^ated 
to the butier or housemaid. The housekeeper 
supervises the women servants and inspects the 
bedrooms to see that the maids have cared for^ 
them properly and that the rooms and private 
bathrooms for invited guests are in order and to 
see that note paper, ink and pens are on desks, 
and towels, soap and matches are in their respective 
places. Her other duties are to open and prepare' 
the town and country residences of her employers 
in the different seasons. For this she has the as- 
sistance of servants and workmen and upholsterers. 
In a lare:e house a housekeeper has her own sittinc:- 
^ Ji . private baft .dSn, h» bed»on..^ 
A lady's maid has entire charge of the ward- 
robe of her employer; must take out gowns and 

[274] 



QPfie Cmplopeetf in a J^ouitfttiih 

put them away and keep all clothing in perfect 
order and repair. She prepares the bath for her 
mistress in the morning, assists in all the various 
dressing for the day and evening, finds all be- 
longings, shoes, gloves, veils, etc. She must be 
a skilful hairdresser. She keeps the toilet table 
in order, and polishes the silver. Skill in packing 
trunks must be one of her accomplishments. 

Where there is a young girl in a family a lady's 
maid b expected to attend her when she goes to 
evening parties, accompany her to the dressing- 
room and await her there, or return for her later. 
If she does not go with her, she must await her 
return home and be in readiness to assist with un- 
dressing and to brush and comb her hair. 

A lady's maid waits on guests who may be visiting 
her employer and who have left their own maids 
at home. She offers services to newly arrived 
visitors, unpacks trunks and distributes their con- 
tents and willingly shows any needed attention 
during the visitors' stay, her reward being a fee at 
the close of the visit. A lady's maid wears a neat, 
black dress and is not obliged to wear an apron 
except for her own convenience. 

One of the qualifications of a butler is to have 
good height. He is expected to have a dignified 
mien, an impassive manner and an unchangeable 
expression of countenance under all circumstances. 
He must be clean-shaven, as are all men-servants. 

[ 276 ] 



Wbt CtiQitette of iU\n |?orfc tEo-lup 



His attiie in the morning is a morning or cutaway 
coat. In some houses the employer furnishes the 
butler with a suit of dark cloth for morning wear. 
After luncheon he wears the regulation evening 
dress» but, if a formal luncheon is in order, he must 
wear his evening suit. The butler is responsible 
for the silver and other property put in his care. 
He has charge of the wine, yet the master of the 
household usually keeps the keys of the wine closet 
and gives orders as to what is to be taken out for 
the day. A butler is supposed to have good judg- 
ment of what the other men-servants who are under 
his control should do. He understands all the ar- 
rangements of the table; the carving of the meat 
devolves upon him and the proper service of each 
meal. 

The dress for the second-man is a livery which 
varies in different households but is in good taste 
if of dark-green doth, the coat having brass but- 
tons, the waistcoat of finely striped livery-vesting, of 
black and yellow, or black and white. The livery 
is worn in the morning as well as in the afternoon 
and evening. A third and a fourth man are often 
employed and livery of the same sort is provided 
for all. In some houses the second, third and 
fourth men wear in the afternoon what is known 
as a "footman's court-livery," the more preten- 
tious dress being velvet knee-breeches, black silk 
stockings, patent-leather pumps and gilt buckles, 

[276] 



waistcoats of scarlet cloth and black dress coats with 
cross-cords and brass buttons. 

A butler is always called by his surname, other 
n».-»™u .re iled by tjr Ch™ft«. ,^ 

Where a second-man is employed, one of his 
duties is to answer the front door bell. When he 
is out the butler attends to it. The second-man 
assists the butler in every way, lays the table, clears 
it, washes silver, glass and china and cleans silver. 

The livery suitable for a boy, or " buttons," who 
may be employed in a club, or in a physician's 
fairly, to open the front door, is a short jacket with 
small metal buttons; trousers to match the cloth 
of jacket. Dark blue or dark green are preferred 
colors. A waistcoat of striped livery-vesting in 
black and white or black and yellow may be worn. 

In families where there are very young children 
and where expenditure is not to be considered, a 
trained nurse is often at the head of the nurseiy 
and wears her regular uniform. 

As a general rule, a child's nurse wears a black 
gown, and small white apron and no cap. She 
may in the morning wear a neat cambric dress 
with a plain white apron. When going out to walk 
with the child, or in travelling, she wears a black 
dress and jacket and a plain hat. An apron is not 
usually worn in the street by a nurse, but this 
depends upon the wishes of her employer. In 
travelling she need not wear an apron unless it is 

£8771 



(Qpe CtiQitette of Hz^ |9arfc tBMiap 



necessary to protect her dress, but as soon as going 
to a hotel to stay, and removing hat and jacket, 
she should wear an apron, as she is then to dress 
the same as home. Some employers prefer to have 
a nurse wear a daik-blue cashmere dress, and a 
recent fashion is to have this style of dress for 
street wear in winter with a long, loose blue cloth 
doak, black velvet bonnet tied with broad black 
ribbon strings, a large white apron, deep white 
linen collar. When such a uniform is exacted it 
must be supplied by an employer. 

The cleaning of the drawing-room and library* 
the care of lamps and bric-a-brac devolves on the 
pariormaid, who also superintends the cleaning of 
bedrooms. She is in reality the head housemaid 
and has her assistants. The housemaid or chamber- 
maid has charge of the bedrooms. The dress of 
pariormaid and housemaid is the same as that of 
a waitress. 

A laundress in a large house has an assistant, 
and superintends the work, her part of the work 
being chiefly the fine and elaborate articles and 
costly house linen. The rest she assigns to her 
assistant. 

The chef in a household is supposed to be an 
artist in his line of work. He is a personage of 
importance, and rules as an autocrat in the kitchen. 
If a large dinner is given he has an assistant cook. 

Always there is a kitchen maid in any house 

I 278 ] 



Wbt Cmplopeetf in a ^^oMtf^tSh 

where a number of servants are kept or where much 
entertaining is done. Her duties are to assist the 
cook in all minor matters and prepare the meals 
for the servants. In very large establishments an 
extra maid is employed to attend to the serving of 
the meals in the servants' dining-room. 

The livery of coachman and footman is of the 
color to match carriage linings, or established family 
colors, shades of dark green or claret or brown being 
favorites. The livery coat is single-breasted. But- 
tons of brass may have the crest or monogram 
of the employer. Trousers to match the coat are 
worn or breeches of white buckskin or cloth, with 
boots having boot tops of tan or white leather. 
Silk hats are worn. When a family is in mourning 
it is customary to have the livery of black. 

In winter Russian overcoats are provided for 
coachman and groom, with collar and cuffs of Persian 
lamb, and heavy cords and loops across the breast 
of coats. Mackintoshes and storm hats are for 
use in bad weather. Out-of-town, more informal 
livery, for summer, may consist of a sack or cut- 
away coat, with breeches and leggings and a bell-top 
or Derby hat. The livery is of tan or gray tweed. 

Certain conventionalities are always observed 
when a lady is going out. The butler opens the 
front door for her. If her carriage is at the door 
the footman stands on the pavement in readiness 
to open the carriage door. If there is no footman, 

[279] 



Sbe Ctiqmtte tA HOn |?orfc Qb-tup 

the builer must go down to open the carriage door. 
If there is a footman, he holds the fur hip robe in 
winter while awaiting his employer and adjusts it 
carefully when she is seated in her carriage. He 
closes the carriage door» receives the order to give 
the coachman, touches his hand to his hat with a 
quick but respectful movement and springs lightly 
on the box beside the coachman. Arriving at the 
destination he takes the cards of his mistress — ^if 
she is on a round of visits — ^rings the front door bell, 
and, after ascertaining whether the lady called upon 
is at home, returns to the carriage to give the in- 
formation. If she is at home he opens the carriage 
door for his mistress to alight, and stands on the 
pavement to await her return, even though the 
coachman must drive away to make room for other 
carriages. 

A coachman keeps his attention fixed on the horses, 
and maintains a rigid demeanor. If his employer 
makes a remark to him before entering the carriage, 
or gives an order, he touches his hat respectfully. 

Coachmen and footmen when on the box sit with 
their knees bent and feet drawn back rigidly. 

In more simple households, where no men-ser- 
vants are kept, there may be two, three, four or 
more women servants. A waitress who is expert 
understands the correct serving of dinners and 
luncheons, the carving of meat, making of salads, 
and serving of wine. 

[ 280 ] 



In the morning, a waitress wears a neat cambric 
dress, fine bla^k and white stripes being the preferred 
fashion, a white apron and cap. 

The proper attire for a waitress in the afternoon 
and evening is a black dress, white apron with bib 
and shoulder-pieces, white linen collar and cuffs, 
black ribbon tie, small white muslin cap and black 
bow, all except the dress being supplied by the 
employer, who sometimes supplies the black dress 
also if she demands that it shall be worn. Tliis 
attire should be put on at the luncheon hour. 

It is important to instruct a maid how to open 
a front door properly, how to receive cards and to 
distinguish between a visitor and a messenger. A 
door should be opened wide, as though the person 
arriving were welcome. The maid should have a 
small tray in her hand on which to take cards. If 
the hostess is not at home, the maid should say so, 
in reply to the visitor's inquiry. If she is at home, 
the maid should usher the visitor into the drawing- 
room and take the card upstairs to the hostess 
and return and say to the visitor, " Mrs. Dash will 
be with you in a few moments.** 

When a messenger calls, he should wait in the 
hall while the servant takes a note or message to the 
mistress. 

A waitress opens the house and airs the halls in 
the morning and may dust rooms before breakfast. 
After breakfast she clears the dining-room and 

[281] 



takes all the dishes and silver into the pantiy to 
wash. She must not wash dishes or silver, between 
courses, while the family are at table. She cares 
for the lamps and lights them in the evening and 
draws down the window shades. 

The housemaid arranges the bedrooms for the 
night, removes spreads, turns down blankets and 
sheets neatly on beds, and brings iced water. 

In a simple apartment where but one maid is 
kept, her employer veiy wisely insists on careful 
serving and waiting, and neat dressing. A maid who 
is self-respecting and has pride in her work and 
service wiU be dressed neatly, according to the 
usual rules for the dressing of a waitress, except that 
she is not required to put on her black dress until 
after luncheon, or about three o'clock, unless invited 
guests are expected at the luncheon hour. A con- 
siderate employer plans the work with thorough 
system, and attends herself to such details as arrang- 
ing flowers or candles for the table. 

Well-trained servants do not speak unless spoken 
to without saying, "I beg your pardon." They 
answer, " Yes, sir,'* or, " No, madam," when reply- 
ing to an order or an inquiry. They do not enter 
a bedroom without knocking. They bring cards, 
letters, or small parcels on a tray. 

Personal neatness is an essential qualification in 
a servant. Any permitted carelessness of attire is 
a reflection on the employer. Thin shoes should 

[282] 



f 

be worn by servants, who should be taught to step 
lightly. 

A servant should be alert to answer the bell, and 
be civil and respectful in manner. When a visitor 
is leaving a servant should be in the hall to open 
the door. 

The mistress of a household is laigely responsible 
for the manners of her servants. If she is dignified 
and self-controlled she commands respect. Famil- 
iarity with servants is not only a fatal error but not 
good form. Another mistake is in changing orders 
or appearing irresolute. Orders given must be car- 
ried out and insisted upon. A wise employer is 
inflexible, just and always considerate. 

When engaging any servant, it is necessary to 
state plainly what duties and dress will be required, 
what wages will be given, and how much leisure 
or time for going out will be allowed. It is im- 
portant to have a positive understanding in every 
particular. 



[283^ 



CHAPTER XLl 

HINTS FOR YOUNG GIRLS 

WHILE there are absdute rules which 
govern social customs in laige cities, 
it is possible that these rules are modified 
in some small towns; yet there are definite lines of 
conduct which must regulate in a general way the 
behavior of all who are growing into young woman- 
hood. 

It has been very truly said that **any point of eti- 
quette if brought to the bar of conmion sense would 
be pronounced reasonable and proper." Many per- 
sons who are striving to learn the correct thing to 
do are strangely oblivious of the fact that the con* 
ventlons of society have good reasons for their exist- 
ence. These conventions are not arbitrary, tyran- 
nical and meaningless rules, but represent a sensible 
code of manners as well as the refinement, culture 
and graces of life. 

One of the important demands of the best social 
life is that young girls should be properly chaperoned. 
Parents consider their daughters very precious 
treasures to be protected from the appearance of be- 
ing in a false position, or from being forward, and 

[284] 



fl^intsi (or f^ouns ^ithi 



they guard them from the least touch of scandal or 
gossip. Young girls are brought up to know that 
many of the proprieties of life are for their own pro- 
tection, and so thoroughly do they understand the 
restrictions that they themselves would feel decidedly 
uncomfortable if pla^ acddentaUy in any poi 
tion which might give an erroneous impression as to 
their knowledge of the rules of good form. 

Girls do not go about alone with young men to 
theatres or evening parties, neither do they appear 
alone with men at restaurants or other public places, 
nor do engaged couples travel about alone, nor do 
girls ''go on excursicois '* with men or allow them to 
pay their expenses. 

Mothers cannot be too careful of their duties in 
the guardianship of their young daughters. Tlus 
does not imply any doubt as to their trustworthiness, 
but the world is neither a lenient nor a kind judge; 
society demands that certain laws for conduct be 
observed^ and if they are disregarded the parents 
must get the credit of being ignorant or sadly in- 
different, or the daughters of being reckless, forward 
and rebellious. There are few things so precious 
and sacred as the reputation of a young girl. 

A mother is the natural chaperon of a daughter. 
If she cannot accompany her always she can, at 
least, be sure that the daughter is under proper and 
dignified protection. Many annoying complications 
would be avoided if parents and young people in 

[286] 



small towns realized the wisdom, the dignity and the 
need of following the established rules of the social 
code. In many parts of the West and South society 
may giant a giri the privflege of visitrng places of 
public refreshment or amusement alone with a young 
man, or of accepting hb escort to or from an evening 
party, but this is contrary to the code of good fonn 
in the best social life of Eastern cities. 

Parents are strangely indifferent who permit their 
young daughters, who are mere school-girls, to in- 
dulge in flirtations which may seem harmless and 
yet which rob girls of much of the youthfulness and 
simplicity of heart so well worth keeping. 

A giri cannot be too reserved about corresponding 
with men, exchanging photographs or rings. She 
will be liked best if she does not give presents to men 
and if she is not in haste to accept attentions, nor too 
lavish in her companionship. She must remember 
that she cannot accept gifts other than flowers, bon- 
bons or books from a man who is not a relative or to 
whom she is not engaged to be married. When en- 
gaged, she may accept jewels from her flance, but 
never may she accept any article of apparel. 

It is not to a girl's credit or advantage to assume 
control at home in social matters or seem to push her 
parents in the background. 

A gill who is the eldest daughter and has lost her 
mother may take the mother's place as far as possible 
in the household. When her younger sister's friends 

[286] 



Jl^inti for l^oittts 



call it may not always be obligatory for her to receive 
them, if her sister is at home» but they should, when 
making a first caU, inquire for her, and on that 
occasion she should see them. The father of the 
family is, under the circumstances, the proper person 
to decide the question as to what yoimg men may 
call on his daughters. 

Bespect for parents and elders holds firmly among 
the nicest girls and in the best social life. Parents 
assume the right to issue invitations and receive 
guests. 

A well-bred girl does not permit men to think they 
can make her acquaintance in any familiar way. If 
they wish to know her, they can ask a mutual friend 
to introduce them properly at the first opportunity. 

If a man is introduced to a girl at the home of 
one of her friends it is to be supposed that he is not 
an undesirable acquaintance, and there might be no 
objection to asking him to call, but it is best not to 
do so on the very first occasion of meeting him. 

It is not proper for a girl to give her card to a man, 
even by way of reminding him of her address. If 
he really cares to call he will remember the address. 
It is better to have a few very nice men friends than 
a long list of acquaintances. Quality, not quantity, 
is what counts in friendship. 

There is no harm for a girl to mention to a man 
when she is at home to friends generally; but it is 
not good form for her to suggest a time when he may 

[287] 



o( jftetB Hork tEo-liap 



find her alone» as if she were anxious to monopolize 
his attention. 

A giri should be careful to have her friends meet 
her parents, otherwise she is in a false position and 
may give the impression that there is some reascm 
for avoiding the introduction. 

If a man calls to see a girl, it would be cordial of 
her mother to say, informally, **We are always at 
home on Friday afternoons,*' or something of the 
sort, as an indication that he will be a welcome 
visitor. 

Although evening visits are out of fashion in the 
laige cities they are customary in smaller towns. It 
may not be necessary for a mother to remain in the 
drawing-room during the entire evening when young 
men call on her daughter, but she should welcome 
them when they arrive, and she may remain in an 
adjoining room and be there to take leave of guests. 

A girl's card should never be sent to a young man. 
It is best to write " With Miss Brown's compliments," 
on an invitation to graduating exercises, or send the 
invitation with a note. 

Young girls may feel sure that it is not from any 
lack of confidence in them, or with the intention of 
depriving them of amusement, that many of the sug- 
gestions included here are offered; but from a sin- 
cere wish to point out the acknowledged standards of 
social life and the rules girls had best follow for their 
own interests and happiness. Men prefer the giri 

[288] 



iluttfii foir Hoitng 



k who is womanly and gentle. They may like to 

amuse themselvi with the joUy. fri-and^y girl 
ft but they do not admire her. It is in the nature of 

g man to prefer what he seeks rather than what seeks 

him. He weaiies of a girl who is lavish in notes or 

gifts, who calls him by telephone and shows eager- 
i ness for his society. He likes what is difficult to 

li win, not what may be had for the asking. 

t In commenting on rules of conduct for girls a 

t sensible person has said, " Nothing is more winning 

in a girl than a plesant bow, a gracious smile given 
i to young and old. Impress on a girl the importance 

of making herself agreeable to older persons, remem- 
bering that much of her enjoyment may be derived 
from them. See to it that she is not the first to ar- 
rive at a ball or the last to leave." 



[289] 



CHAPTER XLII 

FOR THOSE IN SMALL TOWNS 

TO a young married woman making her home 
in a new place the problem often presents 
itadf of how she may retain the interest of 
her new acquaintances. Li all probability she has 
left a laige circle of friends in her old home; she 
misses their companionship and finds it difficult to 
adjust herself to changed conditions. After a cer- 
tain time her husband's friends who have received 
her wedding cards have called, and she has returned 
their visits; and it may be that she has been the re- 
cipient of hospitalities from a few people, yet has 
never returned their civilities, and there follows a 
long period of social inactivity when she begins to 
realize that an effort on her own part is needed. It 
is certain that no young married woman can afford 
to believe that she can have all the attentions of 
society without doing anything in return. 

A newcomer in a town frequentiy engages in 
some kind of charitable work, which throws her 
among congenial associates. This does not neces- 
sarily mean insincere effort. There is no reason why 

[290] 



^or tElpoKe fit Ismail Wo\msi 

the labor may not be one of love and at the same 
time bring one in touch with pleasant people in work 
on committees. 

It requires really much tact, cleverness and energy 
for a new resident in a city» or even in a country 
town or neighborhood, to keep up a position, espe- 
x;ially if she has not large means at her command, 
yet much success may be attained in a quiet way 
and much pleasure given by simple entertainments. 

The new resident cannot, of course,^ make advances 
to those who have neither called nor invited her to 
their homes, even if they are neighbors. A new resi- 
dent in a town or village must not appear in haste to 
make acquaintances and must not make advances 
to old inhabitants. In r^ard to inviting to a card 
party those who have called but not entertained the 
newcomer, much depends on whether they are really 
friends or merely acquidntances, and whether or not 
they are in the habit of entertaining. If they enter- 
tain others, it would, of course, be proper to wait 
for them to make advances, but if they live quietly, 
and never entertain, there might be no objection to 
having them first, provided the newcomer knows 
them well. 

It would seem polite for the people whom a new- 
comer may meet at the houses of acquaintances to 
say they will give themselves the pleasure of calling, 
that is, if they know that she is a stranger. One 
may be cordial in meeting the advances of others, 

[291] 



yet never persistent, and one can have a manner 
which is far bom indifferent yet entirely dignified. 

In r^ard to entertaining it is a mistake for a 
novice to attempt to give something veiy original. 
It is in better taste to keep to the usual conventional 
forms until one becomes an experienced hostess. 

Cards for an afternoon tea may be sent to one's 
general acquaintances, and there are various inex- 
pensive ways of entertaining those from whom one 
has received special hospitaUties. Evening card 
parties are much the fashion; luncheons for one's 
women friends; smaU dinners of six or eight con- 
genial people are not difficult. In all cases hus- 
bands must be asked with their wives, unless the 
party is exclusively for women. 

In the country, or in a country town where one 
has ample grounds, nothing is pleasanter on a sum- 
mer afternoon than a garden party, to which general 
acquaintances may be bidden. 

It is not customary to call on or to send cards to 
people living in the neighborhood when one moves 
into a new street. In small towns the residents some- 
times call on a newcomer, but in large cities this is, 
of course, an unknown occurrence. The only reason 
for calling on a new resident should be that one has 
been asked by a mutual friend to do so. If neigh- 
bors call, one should return their visits as early as 
possible, but this exchange of visits need not lead to 
any but a formal acquaintance unless desired. 

[292] 



When moving to a new place where one has 
friends cards may be sent, with address, to the friends 
who reside in the town, with the date for one's after- 
noon for staying at home written or engraved. 

A woman may ask the clergyman with whose 
church she has been connected in a former place of 
residence to give her a letter of introduction to the 
clergyman whose church she expects to attend in 
the town where she is a new resident. If she does 
not wish to ask for a letter of introduction, the best 
way would be to wait until after a church service and 
speak to the clergyman in the vestry room, introduc- 
ing herself and explaining that she is a new resident 
in the town and wishes to belong to his church and 
interest herself in church charities. Or she might call 
to see the clergyman at some time when she knows 
that he can receive visitors. The clergy usually 
have r^ular hours when they may be found at home 
or at the parish house. 

Etiquette requires that parishioners call on a new 
clergyman or his family. If he is a married man, the 
ladies of the parish call on his wife. If he is un- 
married the ladies do not call, but the men of the 
congregation call. It is usual to give a reception 
so that the new rector and his wife may meet the 
parishioners. The reception is given by the wardens 
and vestry or by some other prominent members of 
the parish. Hospitalities are offered to the new- 
comers, invitations to dinner, etc-, are given, and an 

[ 298 J 



effort is made to make them feel welcome in the 
parish. 

It is wdl to f dlow the customs of the place wheie 
one lives rather than try to establish rules which may 
not be understood. This is advisable, especially for 
a new resident in a town. Certain rules, however, 
which are well established in regard to the conven- 
tions of calling are recognized everywhere, and to 
n^lect them is discourteous. These are fully ex- 
plained in other chapters. Visiting in a large city 
and vifflting in a small town are very different affairs. 
In a laige dty visiting b often accomplished in a 
perfunctory way. In small places it is a pleasant 
recreation. 

If a household is a very modest one and a mem- 
ber of the family should open the door a visitor may 
say, ** Please say to Mrs. B. that I am here." And 
may then lay her card on the hall table when enter- 
ing. If Mrs. B. is out, one may say, **Will you be 
so kind as to tell Mrs. B. that I was sorry not to find 
her at home?" 

In small towns or country neighborhoods evening 
visiting b allowable. Friends are likely to know of 
each other's engagements in small places. One can 
be particular not to be guilty of any intrusion. 

The young man in a small town is apt to err in 
certain important points. When making a caU he 
forgets to take off his overcoat in the hall and leave 
it there with his hat. If he makes the fatal error of 

[«94] 



jf or Z^sst in H^tnaU tEotora! 

going into the drawing-room wearing his overcoat, he 
should remind himself that this is incorrect and go 
out into the hall» take off his overcoat and give it in 
charge of the servant, or leave it in the hall. Never 
must he lay his overcoat on a chair in the drawing- 
room. 

The giving of "showers" for a bride-elect is a 
provincial fashion, and one which cannot be com- 
mended, but if a friend wishes to give a "shower'* 
informal notes of invitation may be written indi- 
cating what the affair will be. When guests arrive 
they are asked to place their gifts on a table. 
Later in the evening some one who is clever may be 
chosen to present the offerings to the bride-elect, by 
nrKtlnng a graceful or witty little speech when hand- 
ing each package to her. She opens the package 
and displays the contents to the assembled guests. 

A Kaffee-klatsch is a Grerman custom and enjoyed 
in country towns. The guests are invited to bring 
th^ work and sit and gossip. They may be asked 
to remove their hats, if it seems more sociable. After 
an hour's talk refreshments are served in the dining- 
room. Hot coffee is, of course, the chief article, and 
with it are served apple, caraway, dtron and coffee 
cakes. 

When sending wedding invitations it is allowable, 
although chiefly favored in smaller towns, to indicate 
by an enclosed card where the residence of a bride 
will be, thus: 

[ 296 3 



ISftt Ctiatiette of 000 $ork QMiap 

At home 

after the firet of May 

at SOO SUOs Street, 

Albany, New York 

It is not pennissible to pve the name on such a 
card enclosed with an invitation, for the reason that 
a bride-elect is not yet entitled to a change of name. 

It is provincial to say, ''No cards** in a marriage 
notice. 



[296] 



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