RUPERT HUGHfcS
— **
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EXCUSE ME!
-
EXCUSE ME!
By RUPERT HUGHES
Author of "The Old Nest"
WITH FIVE JtLun RATIONS
A. L. BURT COMPANY
PUBLISHERS NEW YORK.
Copyright, 1911, by
THE H. K. FLY COMPANY
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I. The Wreck of the Taxicab 9
II. The Early Birds and the Worm. . 16
III. In Darkest Chicago 26
IV. A Mouse and a Mountain 35
V. A Queen Among Women 47
VI. A Conspiracy in Satin 53
VII. The Masked Minister 60
VIII. A Mixed Pickle 65
IX. All Aboard! 75
X. Excess Baggage 84
XI. A Chance Rencounter 88
XII. The Needle in the Haystack 92
XIII. Hostilities Begin 99
XIV. The Dormitory on Wheels 103
XV. A Premature Divorce 106
XVI. Good Night, All ! 115
XVII. Last Call for Breakfast 122
XVIII. In the Composite Car 128
XIX. Foiled! 139
XX. Foiled Again ! 142
XXI. Matrimony To and Fro 147
XXII. In the Smoking Room 156
222S376
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
XXIII. Through a Tunnel 164
XXIV. The Train Butcher 1 73
XXV. The Train Wrecker 1 80
XXVI. Delilah and the Conductor 186
XXVII. The Dog-on Dog Again 191
XXVIII. The Woman-Hater's Relapse 203
XXIX. Jealousy Comes Aboard 213
XXX. A Wedding on Wheels 222
XXXI. Foiled Yet Again 227
XXXII. The Empty Berth 233
XXXIII. Fresh Trouble Daily 237
XXXIV. The Complete Divorcer 252
XXXV. Mr. and Mrs. Little Jimmie 266
XXXVI. A Duel for a Bracelet 273
XXXVII. Down Brakes! 278
XXXVIII. Hands Upl 284
XXXIX. Wolves in the Fold 296
XL. A Hero in Spite of Himself 304
XLI. Clickety-Clickety-Clickety 308
ILLUSTRATIONS
No tips were to be expected from such
transients Frontispiece
PAGE
"Now it's my vacation, and I'm going to smoke
up" 62
Marjorie fairly forced the dog on him 94
Down upon the unsuspecting elopers came this
miraculous cloudburst of ironical rice. ... 1 18
"Why, Richard— Chauncey !— er— Billy! Fm
amazed at you! Let go, or I'll scream!" 276
EXCUSE ME!
CHAPTER I
THE WRECK OF THE TAXICAB
THE young woman in the taxicab scuttling fran-
tically down the dark street, clung to the arm of the
young man alongside, as if she were terrified at the
lawbreaking, neck-risking speed. But evidently
some greater fear goaded her, for she gasped:
"Can't he go a little faster?"
"Can't you go a little faster?" The young man
alongside howled as he thrust his head and shoul-
ders through the window in the door.
But the self-created taxi-gale swept his voice aft,
and the taut chauffeur perked his ear in vain to catch
the vanishing syllables.
"What's that?" he roared.
"Can't you go a little faster?"
The indignant charioteer simply had to shoot one
barbed glare of reproach into that passenger. He
turned his head and growled :
"Say, do youse want to lose me me license?"
9
10 EXCUSE ME!
For just one instant he turned his head. One in-
stant was just enough. The unguarded taxicab seized
the opportunity, -bolted from the track, and flung,
as it were, its arms drunkenly around a perfectly
respectable lamppost attending strictly to its business
on the curb. There ensued a condensed Fourth of
July. Sparks flew, tires exploded, metals ripped, two
wheels spun in air and one wheel, neatly severed at
the axle, went reeling down the sidewalk half a block
before it leaned against a tree and rested.
A dozen or more miracles coincided to save the
passengers from injury. The young man found him-
self standing on the pavement with the unhinged
door still around his neck. The young woman's
arms were round his neck. Her head was on his
shoulder. It had reposed there often enough, but
never before in the street under a lamppost. The
chauffeur found himself in the road, walking about
on all fours, like a bewildered quadruped.
Evidently some overpowering need for speed pos-
sessed the young woman, for even now she did not
scream, she did not faint, she did not murmur,
"Where am I?" She simply said:
"What time is it, honey?"
And the young man, not realizing how befuddled
he really was, or how his hand trembled, fetched
out his watch and held it under the glow of the
lamppost, which was now bent over in a convenient
but disreputable attitude.
THE WRECK OF THE TAXICAB 11
"A quarter to ten, sweetheart. Plenty of time
for the train."
"But the minister, honey! What about the min-
ister? How are we going to get to the minister?"
The consideration of this riddle was interrupted
by a muffled hubbub of yelps, whimpers, and canine
hysterics. Immediately the young woman forgot
ministers, collisions, train-schedules — everything.
She showed her first sign of panic.
"Snoozleums! Get Snoozleums!"
They groped about in the topsy-turvy taxicab, rum-
maged among a jumble of suitcases, handbags, um-
brellas and minor impedimenta, and fished out a
small dog-basket with an inverted dog inside.
Snoozleums was ridiculous in any position^ but as
he slid tail foremost from the wicker basket, he
resembled nothing so much as a heap of tangled yarn
tumbling out of a work-basket. He was an indignant
skein, and had much to say before he consented to
snuggle under his mistress' chin.
About this time the chauffeur came prowling into
view. He was too deeply shocked to emit any lan-
guage of the garage. He was too deeply shocked to
achieve any comment more brilliant than:
"That mess don't look much like it ever was a
taxicab, does it?"
The young man shrugged his shoulders, and stared
up and down the long street for another. The young
12 EXCUSE ME!
woman looked sorrowfully at the wreck, and
queried :
"Do you think you can make it go?"
The chauffeur glanced her way, more in pity for
her whole sex than in scorn for this one type, as he
mumbled:
"Make it go? It'll take a steam winch a week to
unwrap it from that lamppost."
The young man apologized.
"I oughtn't to have yelled at you."
He was evidently a very nice young man. Not to
be outdone in courtesy, the chauffeur retorted :
"I hadn't ought to have turned me head."
The young woman thought, "What a nice chauf-
feur !" but she gasped : "Great heavens, you're hurt !"
"It's nuttin' but a scratch on me t'umb."
"Lend me a clean handkerchief, Harry."
The young man whipped out his reserve supply,
and in a trice it was a bandage on the chauffeur's
hand. The chauffeur decided that the young woman
was even nicer than the young man. But he could not
settle on a way to say to it. So he said nothing, and
grinned sheepishly as he said it.
The young man named Harry was wondering how
they were to proceed. He had already studied the
region with dismay, when the girl resolved:
"We'll have to take another taxi, Harry."
"Yes, Marjorie, but we can't take it till we get
it."
THE WRECK OF THE TAXICAB 13
"You might wait here all night wit'out ketchin'
a glimp' of one," the chauffeur ventured. "I come
this way because you wanted me to take a short
cut."
"It's the longest short cut I ever saw," the young
man sighed, as he gazed this way and that.
The place of their shipwreck was so deserted that
not even a crowd had gathered. The racket of the
collision had not brought a single policeman. They
were in a dead world of granite warehouses, whole-
sale stores and factories, all locked and forbidding,
and full of silent gloom.
In the daytime this was a big trade-artery of Chi-
cago, and all day long it was thunderous with trucks
and commerce. At night it was Pompeii, so utterly
abandoned that the night watchmen rarely slept out'
side, and no footpad found it worth while to set up
shop.
The three castaways stared every which way, and
every which way was peace. The ghost of a pedes-
trian or two hurried by in the far distance. A cat or
two went furtively in search of warfare or romance.
The lampposts stretched on and on in both direc-
tions in two forevers.
In the faraway there was a muffled rumble and
the faint clang of a bell. Somewhere a street car
was bumping along its rails.
"Our only hope," said Harry. "Come along,
Marjorie."
K EXCUSE ME!
He handed the chauffeur five dollars as a poultice
to his wounds, tucked the girl under one arm and
the dog-basket under the other, and set out, calling
back to the chauffeur:
"Goodnight!"
"Good night!" the girl called back.
"Good night!" the chauffeur echoed. He stood
watching them with the tender gaze that even a
chauffeur may feel for young love hastening to a
honeymoon.
He stood beaming so, till their footsteps died in
the silence. Then he turned back to the chaotic rem-
nants of his machine. He worked at it hopelessly
for some time, before he had reason to look within.
There he found the handbags and suitcases, umbrel-
las and other equip nent. He ran to the corner to
call after the owners. They were as absent of body
as they had been absent of mind.
He remembered the street-number they had given
him as their destination. He waited till at last a
yawning policeman sauntered that way like a lonely
beach patrol, and left him in charge while he went
to telephone his garage for a wagon and a wrecking
crew.
It was close on midnight before he reached the
number his fares had given him. It was a parson-
age leaning against a church. He rang the bell and
finally produced from an upper window a nightshirt
topped by a frowsy head. He explained the situa-
THE WRECK OF THE TAXICAB 15
tion, and his possession of certain properties belong-
ing to parties unknown except by their first names.
The clergyman drowsily murmured:
"Oh, yes. I remember. The young man was
Lieutenant Henry Mallory, and he said he would
stop here with a young lady, and get married on the
way to the train. But they never turned up."
"Lieutenant Mallory, eh? Where could I reach
him?"
"He said he was leaving to-night for the Philip-
pines."
"The Philippines! Well, I'll be "
The minister closed the window just in time.
ft
CHAPTER II
THE EARLY BIRDS AND THE WORM
IN the enormous barn of the railroad station stood
many strings of cars, as if a gigantic young Gulliver
stabled his toys there and invisibly amused himself;
now whisking this one away, now backing that other
in.
Some of the trains were noble equipages, fitted to
glide across the whole map with cargoes of Lilli-
putian millionaires and their Lilliputian ladies. Oth-
ers were humble and shabby linked-up day-coaches
and dingy smoking-cars, packed with workers, like
ants.
Cars are mere vehicles, but locomotives have souls.
The express engines roll in or stalk out with gran-
deur and ease. They are like emperors. They seem
to look with scorn at the suburban engines snorting
and grunting and shaking the arched roof with their
plebeian choo-choo as they puff from shop to cottage
and back.
The trainmen take their cue from the behavior of
their locomotives. The conductor of a transconti-
16
THE EAELY BIRDS AND THE WORM 17
nental nods to the conductor of a shuttle-train with
less cordiality than to a brakeman of his own. The
engineers of the limiteds look like senators in over-
alls. They are far-traveled men, leading a mighty
life of adventure. They are pilots of land-ships
across land-oceans. They have a right to a certain
condescension of manner.
But no one feels or shows so much arrogance as
the sleeping car porters. They cannot pronounce
"supercilious," but they can be it Their disdain
for the entire crew of any train that carries merely
day-coaches or half-baked chair-cars, is expressed as
only a darkey in a uniform can express disdain for
poor white trash.
Of all the haughty porters that ever curled a lip,
the haughtiest by far was the dusky attendant in the
San Francisco sleeper on the Trans-American Lim-
ited. His was the train of trains in that whole sys-
tem. His car the car of cars. His passengers the
surpassengers of all.
His train stood now waiting to set forth upon a
voyage of two thousand miles, a journey across seven
imperial States, a journey that should end only at
that marge where the continent dips and vanishes
under the breakers of the Pacific Ocean.
At the head of his car, with his little box-step wait-
ing for the foot of the first arrival, the porter stood,
his head swelling under his cap, his breast swelling
beneath his blue blouse, with its brass buttons like
18 EXCUSE ME!
reflections of his own eyes. His name was Ells-
worth Jefferson, but he was called anything from
"Poarr-turr" to "Pawtah," and he usually did not
come when he was called.
To-night he was wondering perhaps what passen-
gers, with what dispositions, would fall to his lot.
Perhaps he was wondering what his Chicago sweet-
heart would be doing in the eight days before his
return. Perhaps he was wondering what his San
Francisco sweetheart had been doing in the five days
since he left her, and how she would pass the three
days that must intervene before he reached her
again.
He had Othello's ebon color. Did he have Othel-
lo's green eye?
Whatever his thoughts, he chatted gaily enough
with his neighbor and colleague of the Portland
sleeper.
Suddenly he stopped in the midst of a soaring
chuckle.
"Lordy, man, looky what's a-cominM"
The Portland porter turned to gaze.
"I got my fingers crossed."
"I hope you git him."
"I hope I don't."
"He'll work you hard and cuss you out, and he
won't give you even a Much Obliged."
"That's right. He ain't got a usher to carry his
things. And he's got enough to fill a van."
THE EARLY BIRDS AND THE WORM 19
The oncomer was plainly of English origin. It
takes all sorts of people to make up the British
Empire, and there is no sort lacking — glorious or
pretty, or sour or sweet. But this was the type of
English globe-trotter that makes himself as unpopu-
lar among foreigners as he is among his own peo-
ple. He is almost as unendurable as the Americans
abroad who twang their banjo brag through Europe,
and berate France and Italy for their innocence of
buckwheat cakes.
The two porters regarded Mr. Harold Wedge-
wood with dread, as he bore down on them. He
was almost lost in the plethora of his own luggage.
He asked for the San Francisco sleeper, and the
Portland porter had to turn away to smother his
gurgling relief.
Ellsworth Jefferson's heart sank. He made a
feeble effort at self-protection. The Pullman con-
ductor not being present at the moment, he inquired :
"Have you got yo' ticket?"
"Of cawse."
"Could I see it?"
"Of cawse not. Too much trouble to fish it out."
The porter was fading. "Do you remember yo'
numba ?"
"Of cawse. Take these-" He began to pile
things on the porter like a mountain unloading an
avalanche. The porter stumbled as he clambered up
the steps, and squeezed through the strait path of
20 EXCUSE ME!
the corridor into the slender aisle. He turned again
and again to question the invader, but he was mo-
tioned and bunted down the car, till he was halted
with a "This will do."
The Englishman selected section three for his
own. The porter ventured : "Are you sho' this is yo'
numba ?"
"Of cawse I'm shaw. How dare you question
my "
"I wasn't questionin' you, boss, I was just astin'
you."
He resigned himself to the despot, and began to
transfer his burdens to the seat. But he did nothing
to the satisfaction of the Englishman. Everything
must be placed otherwise ; the catch-all here, the port-
manteau there, the Gladstone there, the golfsticks
there, the greatcoat there, the raincoat there. The
porter was puffing like a donkey-engine, and mutiny
was growing in his heart. His last commission was
the hanging up of the bowler hat.
He stood on the arm of the seat to reach the high
hook. From here he paused to glare down with
an attempt at irony.
"Is they anything else?"
"No. You may get down."
The magnificent patronage of this wilted the por-
ter completely. He returned to the lower level, and
shuffled along the aisle in a trance. He was quickly
recalled by a sharp :
THE EARLY BIRDS AND THE WORM 21
"Pawtah!"
"Yassah!"
"What time does this bally train start?"
"Ten-thutty, sah."
"But it's only ten now."
"Yassah. It'll be ten-thutty a little later."
"Do you mean to tell me that I've got to sit hyah
for half an hour — just waitin'?"
The porter essayed another bit of irony:
"Well," he drawled, "I might tell the conducta
you're ready. And mebbe he'd start the train. But
the time-table says ten-thutty."
He watched the effect of his satire, but it fell back
unheeded from the granite dome of the Englishman,
whose only comment was :
"Oh, never mind. I'll wait."
The porter cast his eyes up in despair, and turned
away, once more to be recalled.
"Oh, pawtah!"
"Yassah!"
"I think we'll put on my slippahs."
"Will we?"
"You might hand me that large bag. No, stu-
pid, the othah one. You might open it. No, its
in the othah one. Ah, that's it. You may set it
down."
Mr. Wedgewood brought forth a soft cap and a
pair of red slippers. The porter made another effort
22 EXCUSE ME!
to escape, his thoughts as black as his face. Again
the relentless recall:
"Oh, pawtah, I think we'll unbutton my boots."
He was too weak to murmur "Yassah." He sim-
ply fell on one knee and got to work.
There was a witness to his helpless rage — a new-
comer, the American counterpart of the Englishman
in all that makes travel difficult for the fellow trav-
elers. Ira Lathrop was zealous to resent anything
short of perfection, quick and loud of complaint, ap-
parently impossible to please.
In everything else he was the opposite of the Eng-
lishman. He was burly, middle-aged, rough, care-
less in attire, careless of speech — as uncouth and
savage as one can well be who is plainly a man of
means.
It was not enough that a freeborn Afro-American
should be caught kneeling to an Englishman. But
when he had escaped this penance, and advanced
hospitably to the newcomer, he must be greeted with
a snarl.
"Say, are you the porter of this car, or that
man's nurse?"
"I can't tell yet. What's yo' numba, please?"
The answer was the ticket. The porter screwed
up his eyes to read the pencilled scrawl.
"Numba se'm. Heah she is, boss."
"Right next to a lot of women, I'll bet. Couldn't
you put me in the men's end of the car?"
THE EARLY BIRDS AND THE WORM 23
"Not ve'y well, suh. I reckon the cah is done
sold out."
With a growl of rage, Ira Lathrop slammed into
the seat his entire hand baggage, one ancient and
rusty valise.
The porter gazed upon him with increased depres-
sion. The passenger list had opened inauspiciously
with two of the worst types of travelers the Anglo-
Saxon race has developed.
But their anger was not their worst trait in the
porter's eyes. He was, in a limited way, an expert
in human character.
When you meet a stranger you reveal your own
character in what you ask about his. With some, the
first question is, "Who are his people?" With oth-
ers, "What has he achieved?" With others, "How
much is he worth?" Each gauges his cordiality ac-
cording to his estimate.
The porter was not curious on any of these points.
He showed a democratic indifference to them. His
one vital inquiry was :
"How much will he tip?"
His inspection of his first two charges promised
small returns. He buttoned up his cordiality, and
determined to waste upon them the irreducible mini-
mum of attention.
It would take at least a bridal couple to restore
the balance. But bridal couples in their first bloom
rarely fell to the lot of that porter, for what bridal
24 EXCUSE ME!
couple wants to lock itself in with a crowd of pas-
sengers for the first seventy-two hours of wedded
bliss?
The porter banished the hope as a vanity. Lit-
tle he knew how eagerly the young castaways from
that wrecked taxicab desired to be a bridal couple,
and to catch this train.
But the Englishman was restive again:
" Pa wtah ! I say, pa wtah ! "
"Yassahl"
"What time are we due in San Francisco?"
"San Francisco? San Francisco? We are doo
thah the evenin' of the fo'th day. This bein' Mon-
day, that ought to bring us in abote Thuzzday
evenin'."
The Yankee felt called upon to check the foreign
usurper.
"Porrterr!"
"Yassah!"
"Don't let that fellow monopolize you. He prob-
ably won't tip you at all."
The porter grew confidential:
"Oh, I know his kind, sah. They don't tip you for
what you do do, but they're ready letter writers to
the Sooperintendent for what you don't do."
"Pawtah! I say, pawtah!"
"Here, porrterr."
The porter tried to imitate the Irish bird, and be
in two places at once. The American had a coin in
THE EARLY BIRDS AND THE WORM 25
his hand. The porter caught the gleam of it, and
flitted thither. The Yankee growled:
"Don't forget that I'm on the train, and when we
get to 'Frisco there may be something more."
The porter had the coin in his hand. Its heft was
light. He sighed: "I hope so."
The Englishman was craning his head around owl-
ishly to ask:
"I say, pawtah, does this train ever get wrecked?"
"Well, it hasn't yet," and he murmured to the
Yankee, "but I has hopes."
The Englishman's voice was querulous again.
"I say, pawtah, open a window, will you? The
air is ghastly, abso-ripping-lutely ghastly."
The Yankee growled:
"No wonder we had the Revolutionary War!"
Then he took from his pocket an envelope ad-
dressed to Ira Lathrop & Co., and from the enve-
lope he took a contract, and studied it grimly. The
envelope bore a Chinese stamp.
The porter, as he struggled with an obstinate win-
dow, wondered what sort of passenger fate would
send him next.
CHAPTER III
IN DARKEST CHICAGO
THE castaways from the wrecked taxicab hur-
ried along the doleful street. Both of them knew
their Chicago, but this part of it was not their
Chicago.
They hailed a pedestrian, to ask where the near-
est street car line might be, and whither it might run.
He answered indistinctly from a discreet distance, as
he hastened away. Perhaps he thought their ques-
tion merely a footpad's introduction to a sandbag-
ging episode. In Chicago at night one never knows.
"As near as I can make out what he said, Mar-
jorie," the lieutenant pondered aloud, "wxe walk
straight ahead till we come to Umtyump Street, and
there we find a Rarara car that will take us to Blop-
tyblop Avenue. I never heard of any such streets,
did you?"
"Never," she panted, as she jog-trotted alongside
his military pace. "Let's take the first car we meet,
and perhaps the conductor can put us off at the street
where the minister lives."
"Perhaps." There was not much confidence in
that "perhaps."
26
IN DARKEST CHICAGO 27
When they reached the street-carred street, they
found two tracks, but nothing occupying them, as far
as they could peer either way. A small shopkeeper
in a tiny shop proved to be a delicatessen merchant
so busily selling foreign horrors to aliens, that they
learned nothing from him.
At length, in the far-away, they made out a head-
light, and heard the grind and squeal of a car. Lieu-
tenant Mallory waited for it, watch in hand. He
boosted Marjorie's elbow aboard and bombarded
the conductor with questions. But the conductor had
no more heard of their street than they had of his.
Their agitation did not disturb his stoic calm, but he
invited them to come along to the next crossing,
where they could find another car and more learned
conductors; or, what promised better, perhaps a
cab.
He threw Marjorie into a panic by ordering her
to jettison Snoozleums, but the lieutenant bought
his soul for a small price, and overlooked the fact
that he did not ring up their fares.
The young couple squeezed into a seat and talked
anxiously in sharp whispers.
"Wouldn't it be terrible, Harry, if, just as we got
to the minister's, we should find papa there ahead
of us, waiting to forbid the bands, or whatever it is?
Wouldn't it be just terrible?"
"Yes, it would, honey, but it doesn't seem prob-
able. There are thousands of ministers in Chicago.
28 EXCUSE ME!
He could never find ours. Fact is. I doubt if we
find him ourselves."
Her clutch tightened till he would have winced, if
he had not been a soldier.
"What do you mean, Harry?"
"Well, in the first place, honey, look what time it
is. Hardly more than time enough to get the train.
to say nothing of hunting for that preacher and
standing up through a long rigmarole."
"Why, Harry Mallory, are you getting ready to
jilt me?"
"Indeed I'm not — not for worlds, honey, but I've
got to get that train, haven't I ?"
"Couldn't you wait over one train — just one tiny
little train?"
"My own, own honey love, you know it's impossi-
ble! You must remember that I've already waited
over three trains while you tried to make up your
mind."
"And you must remember, darling, that it's no
easy matter for a girl to decide to sneak away from
home and be married secretly, and go all the way out
to that hideous Manila with no trousseau and no
wedding presents and no anything."
"I know it isn't, and I waited patiently while you
got up the courage. But now there are no more
trains. I shudder to think of this train being late.
We're not due in San Francisco till Thursday even-
ing, and my transport sails at sunrise Friday morn-
29
ing. Oh, Lord, what if I should miss that trans-
port! What if I should!"
"What if we should miss the minister?"
"It begins to look a great deal like it."
"But, Harry, you wouldn't desert me now — aban-
don me to my fate?"
"Well, it isn't exactly like abandonment, seeing
that you could go home to your father and mother in
a taxicab."
She stared at him in horror.
"So you don't want me for your wife! You've
changed your mind! You're tired of me already!
Only an hour together, and you're sick of your bar-
gain! You're anxious to get rid of me! You n
"Oh, honey, I want you more than anything else
on earth, but I'm a soldier, dearie, a mere lieutenant
in the regular army, and I'm the slave of the Govern-
ment. I've gone through West Point, and they won't
let me resign respectably and if I did, we'd starve.
They wouldn't accept my resignation, but they'd be
willing to courtmartial me and dismiss me the
service in disgrace. Then you wouldn't want to
marry me — and I shouldn't have any way of sup-
porting you if you did. I only know one trade, and
that's soldiering."
"Don't call it a trade, beloved, it's the noblest
profession in all the world, and you're the noblest
soldier that ever was, and in a year or two you'll be
the biggest general in the army."
30 EXCUSE ME!
He could not afford to shatter such a devout illu-
sion or quench the light of faith in those beloved and
loving eyes. He tacitly admitted his ability to be
promoted commander-in-chief in a year or two. He
allowed that glittering possibility to remain, used it
as a basis for argument.
"Then, dearest, you must help me to do my duty."
She clasped his upper arm as if it were an altar
and she an Iphigenia about to be sacrificed to save
the army. And she murmured with utter heroism :
"I will ! Do what you like with me !"
He squeezed her hand between his biceps and his
ribs and accepted the offering in a look drenched
with gratitude. Then he said, matter-of-factly:
"We'll see how much time we have when we get
to — whatever the name of that street is."
The car jolted and wailed on its way like an old
drifting rocking chair. The motorman was in no
hurry. The passengers seemed to have no occasion
for haste. Somebody got on or got off at almost
every corner, and paused for conversation while
the car waited patiently. But eventually the con-
ductor put his head in and drawled:
"Hay! here's where you get off at."
They hastened to debark and found themselves
in a narrow, gaudily-lighted region where they saw
a lordly transfer-distributor, a profound scholar in
Chicago streets. He informed them that the min-
ister's street lay far back along the path they had
IN DARKEST CHICAGO 3?
come; they should have taken a car in the opposite
direction, transferred at some remote center, de-
scended at some unheard-of street, walked three
blocks one way and four another, and there they
would have been.
Mallory looked at his watch, and Marjorie's
hopes dropped like a wrecked aeroplane, for he
grimly asked how long it would take them to reach
the railroad station.
"Well, you'd ought to make it in forty minutes,"
the transfer agent said — and added, cynically, "if the
car makes schedule."
"Good Lord, the train starts in twenty minutes!"
"Well, I tell you — take this here green car to
Wexford Avenoo — there's usually a taxicab or two
standin' there."
"Thank you. Hop on, Marjorie."
Marjorie hopped on, and they sat down, Mallory
with eyes and thoughts on nothing but the watch
he kept in his hand.
During this tense journey the girl perfected her
souTTor graceful martyrdom.
"I'll go to the train with you, Harry, and then
you can send me home in a taxicab."
Her nether lip trembled and her eyes were filmed,
but they were brave, and her voice was so tender
that it wooed his mind from his watch. He gazed at
her, and found her so dear, so devoted and so piti-
fully exquisite, that he was almost overcome by an
32 EXCUSE ME!
impulse to gather her into his arms there and then,
indifferent to the immediate passengers or to his far-
off military superiors. An hour ago they were young
lovers in all the lilt and thrill of elopement. She
had clung to him in the gloaming of their taxicab, as
it sped like a genie at their whim to the place where
the minister would unite their hands and raise his
own in blessing. Thence the new husband would
have carried the new wife away, his very own, soul
and body, duty and beauty. Then, ah, then in their
minds the future was an unwaning honeymoon, the
journey across the continent a stroll along a lover's
lane, the Pacific ocean a garden lake, and the Phil-
ippines a chain of Fortunate Isles decreed especially
for their Eden. And then the taxicab encountered
a lamppost. They thought they had merely wrecked
a motor car — and lo, they had wrecked a Paradise.
The railroad ceased to be a lover's lane and be-
came a lingering torment; the ocean was a weltering
Sahara, and the Philippines a Dry Tortugas of
exile.
Mallory realized for the first time what heavy
burdens he had taken on with his shoulder straps;
what a dismal life of restrictions and hardships an
officer's life is bound to be. It was hard to obey
the soulless machinery of discipline, to be a brass-
buttoned slave. He felt all the hot, quick resent-
ment that turns a faithful soldier into a deserter.
But it takes time to evolve a deserter, and Mallory
IN DARKEST CHIC A GO 33
had only twenty minutes. The handcuffs and leg-
irons of discipline hobbled him. He was only a little
cog in a great clock, and the other wheels were im-
pinging on him and revolving in spite of himself.
In the close-packed seats where they were jostled
and stared at, the soldier could not even attempt to
explain to his fascinated bride the war of motives in
his breast. He could not voice the passionate rebel-
lion her beauty had whipped up in his soul. Perhaps
if Romeo and Juliet had been forced to say farewell
on a Chicago street car instead of a Veronese bal-
cony, their language would have lacked savor, too.
Perhaps young Mr. Montague and young Miss
Capulet, instead of wailing, "No, that is not the
lark whose notes do beat the vaulty heaven so high
above our heads," would have done no better than
Mr. Mallory and Miss Newton. In any case, the
best these two could squeeze out was:
"It's just too bad, honey."
"But I guess it can't be helped, dear,"
"It's a mean old world, isn't it?"
"Awful!"
And then they must pile out into the street again
so lost in woe that they did not know how they were
trampled or elbowed. Marjorie's despair was so
complete that it paralyzed instinct. She forgot
Snoozleums! A thoughtful passenger ran out and
tossed the basket into Mallory's arms even as the car
moved off.
34 EXCUSE ME!
Fortune relented a moment and they found a taxi-
cab waiting where they had expected to find it. Once
more they were cosy in the flying twilight, but their
grief was their only baggage, and the clasp of their
hands talked all the talk there was.
Anxiety within anxiety tormented them and they
feared another wreck. But as they swooped down
upon the station, a kind-faced tower clock beamed
the reassurance that they had three minutes to spare.
The taxicab drew up and halted, but they did not
get out. They were kissing good-byes, fervidly and
numerously, while a grinning station-porter winked at
the winking chauffeur.
Marjorie simply could not have done with fare-
wells.
"I'll go to the gate with you," she said.
He told the chauffeur to wait and take the young
lady home. The lieutenant looked so honest and the
girl so sad that the chauffeur simply touched his cap,
though it was not his custom to allow strange fares
to vanish into crowded stations, leaving behind noth-
ing more negotiable than instructions to wait.
CHAPTER IV
A MOUSE AND A MOUNTAIN
ALL the while the foiled elopers were eloping, the
San Francisco sleeper was filling up. It had been
the receptacle of assorted lots of humanity tumbling
into it from all directions, with all sorts of souls,
bodies, and destinations.
The porter received each with that expert eye of
his. His car was his laboratory. A railroad journey
is a sort of test-tube of character; strange elements
meet under strange conditions and make strange com-
binations. The porter could never foresee the in-
gredients of any trip, nor their actions and reactions.
He had no sooner established Mr. Wedgewood
of London and Mr. Ira Lathrop of Chicago, in com-
parative repose, than his car was invaded by a wo-
man who flung herself into the first seat. She was
flushed with running, and breathing hard, but she
managed one gasp of relief:
"Thank goodness, I made it in time."
The mere sound of a woman's voice in the seat
back of him was enough to disperse Ira Lathrop.
With not so much as a glance backward to see what
35
36 EXCUSE ME!
manner of woman it might be, he jammed his con-
tract into his pocket, seized his newspapers and re-
treated to the farthest end of the car, jouncing down
into berth number one, like a sullen snapping turtle.
Miss Anne Cattle's modest and homely valise had
been brought aboard by a leisurely station usher,
who set it down and waited with a speaking palm
outstretched. She had her tickets in her hand, but
transferred them to her teeth while she searched for
money in a handbag old fashioned enough to be
called a reticule.
The usher closed his fist on the pittance she
dropped into it and departed without comment. The
porter advanced on her with a demand for "Tickets,
please."
She began to ransack her reticule with flurried
haste, taking out of it a small purse, opening that,
closing it, putting it back, taking it out, searching
the reticule through, turning out a handkerchief, a
few hairpins, a few trunk keys, a baggage check, a
bottle of salts, a card or two and numerous other
maidenly articles, restoring them to place, looking
in the purse again, restoring that, closing the reti-
cule, setting it down, shaking out a book she carried,
opening her old valise, going through certain white
things blushingly, closing it again, shaking her skirts,
and shaking her head in bewilderment.
She was about to open the reticule again, when
the porter exclaimed:
A MOUSE AND A MOUNTAIN 37
"I see it! Don't look no mo'. I see it!"
When she cast up her eyes in despair, her hatbrim
had been elevated enough to disclose the where-
abouts of the tickets. With a murmured apology, he
removed them from her teeth and held them under
the light. After a time he said :
"As neah as I can make out from the — the un-
digested po'tion of this ticket, yo' numba is six."
"That's it— six!"
"That's right up this way."
"Let me sit here till I get my breath," she pleaded,
"I ran so hard to catch the train."
"Well, you caught it good and strong."
"I'm so glad. How soon do we start?"
"In about half a houah."
"Really? Well, better half an hour too soon than
half a minute too late." She said it with such a
copy-book primness that the porter set her down as
a school-teacher. It was not a bad guess. She was
a missionary. With a pupil-like shyness he volun-
teered:
"Yo' berth is all ready whenever you wishes to
go to baid." He caught her swift blush and
amended it to — "to retiah."
"Retire? — before all the car?" said Miss Anne
Cattle, with prim timidity. "No, thank you! I in-
tend to sit up till everybody else has retired."
The porter retired. Miss Cattle took out a bit
of more or less useful fancy stitching and set to
38 EXCUSE ME!
work like another Dorcas. Her needle had not
dived in and emerged many times before she was
holding it up as a weapon of defense against a sud-
den human mountain that threatened to crush her.
A vague round face, huge and red as a rising
moon, dawned before her eyes and from it came an
uncertain voice:
"Esscuzhe me, mad'm, no 'fensh intended."
The words and the breath that carried them gave
the startled spinster an instant proof that her
vis-a-vis did not share her Prohibition principles or
practices. She regarded the elephant with mouse-
like terror, and the elephant regarded the mouse
with elephantine fright, '-.hen he removed himself
from her landscape as quickly as he could and
lurched along the aisle, calling out merrily to the
porter:
"Chauffeur! chauffeur! don't go so fasht 'round
these corners."
He collided with a small train-boy singing his
nasal lay, but it was the behemoth and not the train-
boy that collapsed into a seat, sprawling as help-
lessly as a mammoth oyster on a table-cloth.
The porter rushed to his aid and hoisted him to
his feet with an uneasy sense of impending trouble.
He felt as if someone had left a monstrous baby on
his doorstep, but all he said was:
"Tickets, please."
There ensued a long search, fat, flabby hands
A MOUSE AND A MOUNTAIN 39
flopping and fumbling from pocket to pocket. Once
more the porter was the discoverer.
"I see it. Don't look no mo'. Here it is — up in
yo' hatband." He lifted it out and chuckled. "Had
it right next his brains and couldn't rememba !" He
took up the appropriately huge luggage of the bibu*
lous wanderer and led him to the other end of the
aisle.
"Numba two is yours, sah. Right heah — all nice
and cosy, and already made up."
The big man looked through the curtains into the
cabined confinement, and groaned:
"That! Haven't you got a man's size berth?"
"Sorry, sah. That's as big a bunk as they is on
the train."
"Have I got to be locked up in that pigeon-hole
for — for how many days is it to Reno?"
"Reno?" The porter greeted that meaningful
name with a smile. "We're doo in Reno the — the —
the mawnin' of the fo'th day, sah. Yassah." He
put the baggage down and started away, but the sad
fat man seized his hand, with great emotion :
"Don't leave me all alone in there, porter, for I'm
a broken-hearted man."
"Is that so? Too bad, sah."
"Were you ever a broken-hearted man, porter?"
"Always, sah."
"Did you ever put your trust in a false-hearted
woman?"
40 EXCUSE ME!
"Often, sah."
"Was she ever true to you, porter?"
"Never, sah."
"Porter, we are partners in mis-sis-ery."
And he wrung the rough, black hand with a sol-
emnity that embarrassed the porter almost as much
as it would have embarrassed the passenger himself
if he could have understood what he was doing. The
porter disengaged himself with a patient but hasty:
"I'm afraid you'll have to 'scuse me. I got to
he'p the other passengers on bode."
"Don't let me keep you from your duty. Duty
is the — the " But he could not remember what
duty was, and he would have dropped off to sleep,
if he had not been startled by a familiar voice which
the porter had luckily escaped.
"Pawtah! Pawtah! Can't you raise this light —
or rather can't you lower it? Pawtah! This light
is so infernally dim I can't read."
To the Englishman's intense amazement his call
brought to him not the porter, but a rising moon with
the profound query:
"Whass a li'l thing like dim light, when the light
of your life has gone out?"
"I beg your pardon?"
Without further invitation, the mammoth de-
scended on the Englishman's territory.
"I'm a broken-hearted man, Mr. — Mr. — I didn't
get your name."
A MOUSE AND A MOUNTAIN 41
"Er — ah — I dare say."
"Thanks, I will sit down." He lifted a great
carry-all and airily tossed it into the aisle, set the
Gladstone on the lap of the infuriated Englishman,
and squeezed into the seat opposite, making a sad
mix-up of knees.
"My name's Wellington. Ever hear of li'l
Jimmie Wellington? That's me."
"Any relation to the Duke?"
"Nagh!"
He no longer interested Mr. Wedgewood. But
Mr. Wellington was not aware that he was being
snubbed. He went right on getting acquainted:
"Are you married, Mr. — Mr. ?"
"No!"
"My heartfelt congrashlations. Hang on to your
luck, my boy. Don't let any female take it away
from you." He slapped the Englishman on the
elbow amiably, and his prisoner was too stifled with
wrath to emit more than one feeble "Pawtah!"
Mr. Wellington mused on aloud: "Oh, if I had
only remained shingle. But she was so beautiful and
she swore to love, honor and obey. Mrs. Welling-
ton is a queen among women, mind you, and I have
.nothing to say against her except that she has the
temper of a tarantula." He italicized the word with
a light fillip of his left hand along the back of the
seat. He did not notice that he filliped the angry
head of Mr. Ira Lathrop in the next seat. He went
42 EXCUSE ME!
on with his portrait of his wife. "She has the
'stravaganza of a sultana" — another fillip for Mr.
Lathrop — "the zhealousy of a cobra, the flirtatious-
ness of a humming bird." Mr. Lathrop was glar-
ing round like a man-eating tiger, but Wellington
talked on. "She drinks, swears, and smokes cigars,
otherwise she's fine — a queen among women."
Neither this amazing vision of womankind, nor
this beautiful example of longing for confession
and sympathy awakened a response in the Eng-
lishman's frozen bosom. His only action was an-
other violent effort to disengage his cramped knees
from the knees of his tormentor; his only comment
a vain and weakening cry for help, "Pawtah! Paw-
tah!"
Wellington's bleary, teary eyes were lighted with
triumph. "Finally I saw I couldn't stand it any
longer so I bought a tic-hic-et to Reno. I 'stablish
a residensh in six monfths — get a divorce — no
shcandal. Even m'own wife won't know anything
about it."
The Englishman was almost attracted by this as-
tounding picture of the divorce laws in America. It
sounded so barbarically quaint that he leaned for-
ward to hear more, but Mr. Wellington's hand, like
a mischievous runaway, had wandered back into the
shaggy locks atop of Mr. Lathrop. His right hand
did not let his left know what it was doing, but
A MOUSE AND A MOUNTAIN 43
proceeded quite independently to grip as much of
Lathrop's hair as it would hold.
Then as Mr. Wellington shook with joy at the
prospect of "Dear old Reno!" he began uncon-
sciously to draw Ira Lathrop's head after his hair
across the seat. The pain of it shot the tears into
Lathrop's eyes, and as he writhed and twisted he
was too full of profanity to get any one word out.
When he managed to wrench his skull free, he
was ready to murder his tormentor. But as soon
as he confronted the doddering and blinking toper,
he was helpless. Drunken men have always been
treated with great tenderness in America, and when
Wellington, seeing Lathrop's white hair, exclaimed
with rapture: "Why, hello, Pop! here's Pop!" the
most that Lathrop could do was to tear loose those
fat, groping hands, slap them like a school teacher,
and push the man away.
But that one shove upset Mr. Wellington and sent
him toppling down upon the pit of the Englishman's
stomach.
For Wedgewood, it was suddenly as if all the air
had been removed from the world. He gulped like
a fish drowning for lack of water. He was a long
while getting breath enough for words, but his first
words were wild demands that Mr. Wellington re-
move himself forthwith.
Wellington accepted the banishment with the sor-
44 EXCUSE ME!
rowful eyes of a dying deer, and tottered away
wagging his fat head and wailing:
"I'm a broken-hearted man, and nobody gives
a - ." At this point he caromed over into Ira
Lathrop's berth and was welcomed with a savage
roar:
"What the devil's the matter with you?"
"I'm a broken-hearted man, that's all."
"Oh, is that all," Lathrop snapped, vanishing be-
hind his newspaper. The desperately melancholy
seeker for a word of human kindness bleared at the
blurred newspaper wall a while, then waded into a
new attempt at acquaintance. Laying his hand on
Lathrop's knee, he stammered: "Esscuzhe me, Mr.
From behind the newspaper came a stingy answer:
"Lathrop's my name — if you want to know."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Lothrop."
"Lathrop!"
"Lathrop! My name's Wellington. LP1 Jimmie
Wellington. Ever hear of me ?"
He waited with the genial smile of a famous man;
the smile froze at Lathrop's curt, "Don't think so."
He tried again: "Ever hear of well-known Chi-
cago belle, Mrs. Jimmie Wellington?"
"Yes, I've heard of her!" There was an omi-
nous grin in the tone.
Wellington waved his hand with modest pride.
"Well, I'm Jimmie."
A MOUSE AND A MOUNTAIN 45
"Serves you right."
This jolt was so discourteous that Wellington de-
cided to protest: "Mister Latham!"
"Lathrop!"
The name came out with a whip-snap. He tried
to echo it, "La-//zrop/" "I don't like that Throp.
That's a kind of a seasick name, isn't it?" Finding
the newspaper still intervening between him and his
prey, he calmly tore it down the middle and pushed
through it like a moon coming through a cloud. "But
a man can't change his name by marrying, can he?
That's the worst of it. A woman can. Think of a
heartless cobra di capello in woman's form wearing
my fair name — and wearing it out. Mr. La-throp,
did you ever put your trust in a false-hearted wo-
man?"
"Never put my trust in anybody."
"Didn't you ever love a woman?"
"No!"
"Well, then, didn't you ever marry a woman?"
"Not one. I've had the measles and the mumps,
but I've never had matrimony."
"Oh, lucky man," beamed Wellington. "Hang
on to your luck."
"I intend to," said Lathrop, "I was born single
and I like it."
"Oh, how I envy you! You see, Mrs. Welling-
ton— she's a queen among women, mind you — a
46 EXCUSE ME!
queen among women, but she has the 'stravagance
of a "
Lathrop had endured all he could endure, even
from a privileged character like little Jimmy Wel-
lington. He rose to take refuge in the smoking-
room. But the very vigor of this departure only
served to help Wellington to his feet, for he seized
Lathrop's coat and hung on, through the door, down
the little corridor, always explaining:
"Mrs. Wellington is a queen among women, mind
you, but I can't stand her temper any longer."
He had hardly squeezed into the smoking-room
when the porter and an usher almost invisible under
the baggage they carried brought in a new passen-
ger. Her first question was :
"Oh, porter, did a box of flowers, or candy, or
anything, come for me?"
"What name would they be in, miss?"
"Mrs. Wellington — Mrs. James Wellington."
CHAPTER V
A QUEEN AMONG WOMEN
Miss ANNE CATTLE, seated in Mrs. Jimmie Wel-
lington's seat, had not heard Mr. Jimmie Welling-
ton's sketch of his wife. But she needed hardly
more than a glance to satisfy herself that she and
Mrs. Jimmie were as hopelessly antipathetic as only
two polite women can be.
Mrs. Jimmie was accounted something of a snob
in Chicago society, but perhaps the missionary was
a trifle the snobbisher of the two when they met.
Miss Gattle could overlook a hundred vices in a
Zulu queen more easily than a few in a fellow coun-
trywoman. She did not like Mrs. Jimmie, and she
was proud of it.
When the porter said, "I'm afraid you got this
lady's seat," Miss Gattle shot one glance at the in-
truder and rose stiffly. "Then I suppose I'll have
"Oh, please don't go, there's plenty of room,"
Mrs. Wellington insisted, pressing her to remain.
This nettled Miss Gattle still more, but she sank
back, while the porter piled up expensive traveling-
47
48 EXCUSE ME!
bags and hat boxes till there was hardly a place to
sit. But even at that Mrs. Jimmie felt called on to
apologize :
"I haven't brought much luggage. How I'll ever
live four days with this, I can't imagine. It will
be such a relief to get my trunks at Reno."
"Reno?" echoed Miss Cattle. "Do you live
there?"
"Well, theoretically, yes."
"I don't understand you."
"I've got to live there to get it."
"To get it? Oh!" A look of sudden and dread-
ful realization came over the missionary. Mrs.
Wellington interpreted it with a smile of gay defi-
ance:
"Do you believe in divorces?"
Anne Cattle stuck to her guns. "I must say I
don't. I think a law ought to be passed stopping
them."
"So do I," Mrs. Wellington amiably agreed, "and
I hope they'll pass just such a law — after I get
mine." Then she ventured a little shaft of her own.
"You don't believe in divorces. I judge you've never
been married."
"Not once!" The spinster drew herself up, but
Mrs. Wellington disarmed her with an unexpected
bouquet:
"Oh, lucky woman! Don't let any heartless man
delude you into taking the fatal step."
A QUEEN AMONG WOMEN 49
Anne Cattle was nothing if not honest. She con-
fessed frankly: "I must say that nobody has made
any violent efforts to compel me to. That's why
I'm going to China."
"To China!" Mrs. Wellington gasped, hardly
believing her ears. "My dear! You don't intend
to marry a laundryman?"
"The idea ! I'm going as a missionary."
"A missionary? Why leave Chicago?" Mrs.
Wellington's eye softened more or less convincingly:
"Oh, lovely! How I should dote upon being a mis-
sionary. I really think that after I get my divorce
I might have a try at it. I had thought of a convent,
but being a missionary must be much more exciting."
She dismissed the dream with an abrupt shake of
the head. "Excuse me, but do you happen to have
any matches?"
"Matches ! I never carry them !"
"They never have matches in the women's room,
and I've used my last one."
Miss Gattle took another reef in her tight lips.
"Do you smoke cigarettes?"
Mrs. Wellington's echoed disgust with disgust:
"Oh, no, indeed. I loathe them. I have the most
dainty little cigars. Did you ever try one?"
Miss Gattle stiffened into one exclamation point:
"Cigars! Me!"
Mrs. Jimmie was so well used to being disap-
proved of that it never disturbed her. She went on
50 EXCUSE ME!
as if the face opposite were not alive with horror:
"I should think that cigars might be a great con-
solation to a lady missionary in the long lone hours
of — what do missionaries do when they're not mis-
sionarying?"
"That depends."
There was something almost spiritual in Mrs.
Jimmie's beatific look: "I can't tell you what con-
solation my cigars have given me in my troubles.
Mr. Wellington objected — but then Mr. Wellington
objected to nearly everything I did. That's why I
am forced to this dreadful step."
"Cigars?"
"Divorces."
"Divorces!"
"Well, this \>'ll be only my second — my other was
such a nuisance. I got that from Jimmie, too. But
it didn't take. Then we made up and remarried.
Rather odd, having a second honeymoon with one's
first husband. But remarriage didn't succeed any
better. Jimmie fell off the water-wagon with an
awful splash, and he quite misunderstood my purely
platonic interest in Sammy Whitcomb, a nice young
fellow with a fool of a wife. Did you ever meet
Mrs. Sammy Whitcomb — no? Oh, but you are a
lucky woman ! Indeed you are ! Well, when Jimmie
got jealous, I just gave him up entirely. I'm run-
ning away to Reno. I sent a note to my husband's
club, saying that I had gone to Europe, and he
A QUEEN AMONG WOMEN 51
needn't try to find me. Poor fellow, he will. He'll
hunt the continent high and low for me, but all the
while I'll be in Nevada. Rather good joke on little
Jimmie, eh?"
"Excruciating!"
"But now I must go. Now I must go. I've really
become quite addicted to them."
"Divorces?"
"Cigars. Do stay here till I come back. I have
so much to say to you."
Miss Cattle shook her head in despair. She could
understand a dozen heathen dialects better than the
speech of so utter a foreigner as her fellow-coun-
trywoman. Mrs. Jimmie hastened away, rather
pleased at the shocks she had administered. She
enjoyed her own electricity.
In the corridor she administered another thrill —
this time to a tall young man — a stranger, as alert
for flirtation as a weasel for mischief. He huddled
himself and his suitcases into as flat a space as pos-
sible, murmuring:
"These corridors are so narrow, aren't they?"
"Aren't they?" said Mrs. Jimmie. "So sorry
to trouble you."
"Don't mention it."
She passed on, their glances fencing like playful
foils. Then she paused:
"Excuse me. Could you lend me a match? They
never have matches in the Women's Room."
52 EXCUSE ME!
He succeeded in producing a box after much shift-
ing of burdens, and he was rewarded with a look
and a phrase :
'"'You have saved my life."
He started to repeat his "Don't mention it," but
it seemed inappropriate, so he said nothing, and she
vanished behind a door. He turned away, saying to
himself that it promised to be a pleasant journey.
He was halted by another voice — another woman's
voice :
"Pardon me, but is this the car for Reno?"
He turned to smile, "I believe so!" Then his
eyes widened as he recognized the speaker.
"Mrs. Sammy Whitcomb!"
It promised to be a curious journey.
CHAPTER VI
A CONSPIRACY IN SATIN
THE tall man emptied one hand of its suitcase to
clasp the hand the newcomer granted him. He held
it fast as he exclaimed: "Don't tell me that you
are bound for Reno !" She whimpered : "I'm afraid
so, Mr. Ashton."
He put down everything to take her other hand,
and tuned his voice to condolence : "Why, I thought
you and Sam Whitcomb were "
"Oh, we were until that shameless Mrs. Welling-
ton "
"Mrs. Wellington? Don't believe I know her."
"I thought everybody had heard of Mrs. Jimmie
Wellington."
"Mrs. Jimmie — oh, yes, I've heard of her!"
Everybody seemed to have heard of Mrs. Jimmie
Wellington.
"What a dance she has led her poor husband!"
Mrs. Whitcomb said. "And my poor Sammy fell
into her trap, too."
Ashton, zealous comforter, took a wrathful tone :
"I always thought your husband was the most un-
mitigated " But Mrs. Whitcomb bridled at
53
54= EXCUSE ME!
once. "How dare you criticize Sammy! He's the
nicest boy in the world."
Ashton recovered quickly. "That's what I started
to say. Will he contest the — divorce ?"
"Of course not," she beamed. "The dear fellow
would never deny me anything. Sammy offered to
get it himself, but I told him he'd better stay in Chi-
cago and stick to business. I shall need such a lot
of alimony."
"Too bad he couldn't have come along," Ashton
insinuated.
But the irony was wasted, for she sighed: "Yes,
I shall miss him terribly. But we feared that if
he were with me it might hamper me in getting
a divorce on the ground of desertion."
She was trying to look earnest and thoughtful
and heartbroken, but the result was hardly plausible,
for Mrs. Sammy Whitcomb could not possibly have
been really earnest or really thoughtful; and her
heart was quite too elastic to break. She proved
it instantly, for when she heard behind her the
voice of a young man asking her to let him pass,
she turned to protest, but seeing that he was a
handsome young man, her starch was instantly
changed to sugar. And she rewarded his good looks
with a smile, as he rewarded hers with another.
Then Ashton intervened like a dog in the manger
and dragged her off to her seat, leaving the young
man to exclaim:
A CONSPIRACY IN SATIN 55
"Some tamarind, that!"
Another young man behind him growled: "Cut
out the tamarinds and get to business. Mallory
will be here any minute."
"I hate to think what he'll do to us when he
sees what we've done to him."
"Oh, he won't dare to fight in the presence of
his little bridey-widey. Do you see the porter in
there?"
"Yes, suppose he objects."
"Well, we have the tickets. We'll claim it's our
section till Mallory and Mrs. Mallory come."
They moved on into the car, where the porter
confronted them. When he saw that they were
loaded with bundles of all shapes and sizes, he
waved them away with scorn :
"The emigrant sleepa runs only Toosdays and
Thuzzdays."
From behind the first mass of packages came a
brisk military answer:
"You black hound! About face — forward
march! Section number one."
The porter retreated down the aisle, apologiz-
ing glibly. " 'Scuse me for questionin' you, but
you-all's baggage looked kind o' eccentric at first.'*
The two young men dumped their parcels on
the seats and began to unwrap them hastily.
"If Mallory catches us, he'll kill us," said Lieu-
tenant Shaw. Lieutenant Hudson only laughed
'56 EXCUSE ME!
and drew out a long streamer of white satin ribbon.
Its glimmer, and the glimmering eyes of the young
man excited Mrs. Whitcomb so much that after a
little hesitance she moved forward, followed by the
jealous Ashton.
"Oh, what's up?" she ventured. "It looks like
something bridal."
"Talk about womanly intuition!" said Lieutenant
Hudson, with an ingratiating salaam.
And then they explained to her that their class-
mate at West Point, being ordered suddenly to the
Philippines, had arranged to elope with his beloved
Marjorie Newton; had asked them to get the
tickets and check the baggage while he stopped at
i minister's to "get spliced and hike for Manila by
this train."
Having recounted this plan in the full belief that
it was even at that moment being carried out suc-
cessfully, Lieutenant Hudson, with a ghoulish smile,
explained :
"Being old friends of the bride and groom, we
want to fix their section up in style and make them
truly comfortable."
"Delicious!" gushed Mrs. Whitcomb. "But you
ought to have some rice and old shoes."
"Here's the rice," said Hudson.
"Here's the old shoes," said Shaw.
"Lovely!" cried Mrs. Whitcomb, but then she
grew soberer. "I should think, though, that they
A CONSPIRACY IN SATIN 57
— the young couple — would have preferred a state-
room."
"Of course," said Hudson, almost blushing,
"but it was taken. This was the best we could do
for them."
"That's why we want to make it nice and bride-
like," said Shaw. "Perhaps you could help us — a
woman's touch "
"Oh, I'd love to," she glowed, hastening into
the section among the young men and the bundles.
The unusual stir attracted the porter's suspicions.
He came forward with a look of authority:
" 'Scuse me, but wha — what's all this?"
"Vanish — get out," said Hudson, poking a coin
at him. As he turned to obey, Mrs. Whitcomb
checked him with: "Oh, Porter, could you get us
a hammer and some nails?"
The porter almost blanched: "Good Lawd, Miss,
you ain't allowin' to drive nails in that woodwork,
is you?" That woodwork was to him what the
altar is to the priest.
But Hudson, resorting to heroic measures, hyp-
notized him with a two-dollar bill : "Here, take this
and see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing." The
porter caressed it and chuckled: "I'm blind, deaf
and speechless." He turned away, only to come
back at once with a timid " 'Scuse me!"
"You here yet?" growled Hudson.
Anxiously the porter pleaded: "I just want to
58 EXCUSE ME!
ast one question. Is you all fixin' up for a bridal
couple?"
"Foolish question, number eight million, forty-
three," said Shaw. "Answer, no, we are."
The porter's face glistened like fresh stove polish
as he gloated over the prospect. "I tell you, it'll be
mahty refreshin' to have a bridal couple on bode !
This dog-on old Reno train don't carry nothin' much
but divorcees. I'm just nachally hongry for a bridal
couple."
"Brile coup-hic-le ?" came a voice, like an echo
that had somehow become intoxicated in transit.
It was Little Jimmie Wellington looking for more
sympathy. "Whass zis about brile couple?"
"Why, here's Little Buttercup!" sang out young
Hudson, looking at him in amazed amusement.
"Did I un'stan' somebody say you're preparing
for a brile coupl' ?"
Lieutenant Shaw grinned. "I don't know what
you understood, but that's what we're doing."
Immediately Wellington's great face began to
churn and work like a big eddy in a river. Suddenly
he was weeping. "Excuse these tears, zhentlemen,
but I was once — I was once a b-b-bride myself."
"He looks like a whole wedding party," was Ash-
ton's only comment on the copious grief. It was
poor Wellington's fate to hunt as vainly for sym-
pathy as Diogenes for honesty. The decorators
either ignored him or shunted him aside. They
A CONSPIRACY IN SATIN 59
were interested in a strange contrivance of ribbons
and a box that Shaw produced.
"That," Hudson explained, "is a little rice trap.
We hang that up there and when the bridal couple
sit down — biff ! a shower of rice all over them. It's
bad, eh?"
Everybody agreed that it was a happy thought
and even Jimmie Wellington, like a great babyt
bounding from tears to laughter on the instant,
was chortling: "A rishe trap? That's abslootly
splendid — greates' invensh' modern times. I must
stick around and see her when she flops." And
then he lurched forward like a too-obliging elephant.
"Let me help you."
Mrs. Whitcomb, who had now mounted a step
ladder and poised herself as gracefully as possible,
shrieked with alarm, as she saw Wellington's bulk
rolling toward her frail support.
If Hudson and Shaw had not been football vet-
erans at West Point and had not known just what
to do when the center rush comes bucking the line,
they could never have blocked that flying wedge.
But they checked him and impelled him backward
through his own curtains into his own berth.
Finding himself on his back, he decided to remain
there. And there he remained, oblivious of the car-
nival preparations going on just outside his canopy.
CHAPTER VII
THE MASKED MINISTER
BEI1S3 an angel must have this great advantage
at least, that one may sit in the grandstand over-
looking the earth and enjoy the ludicrous blunders
of that great blind man's buff we call life.
This night, if any angels were watching Chi-
cago, the Mallory mix-up must have given them a
good laugh, or a good cry — according to their na-
tures.
Here were Mallory and Marjorie, still merely
engaged, bitterly regretting their inability to get
married and to continue their journey together.
There in the car were the giggling conspirators
preparing a bridal mockery for their sweet confu-
sion.
Then the angels might have nudged one another
and said:
"Oh, it's all right now. There goes a minister
hurrying to their very car. Mallory has the license
in his pocket, and here comes the parson. Hoo-
ray!"
And then the angelic cheer must have died out
60
THE MASKED MINISTER 61
as the one great hurrah of a crowded ball-ground
is quenched in air when the home team's vitally
needed home run swerves outside the line and drops
useless as a stupid foul ball.
In a shabby old hack, were two of the happiest
runaways that ever sought a train. They were not
miserable like the young couple in the taxicab.
They were w'hite-haired both. They had baen mar-
ried for thirty years. Yet this was their real honey-
moon, their real elopement.
The little woman in the timid gray bonnet clapped
her hands and tittered like a schoolgirl.
"Oh, Walter, I can't believe we're really going
to leave Ypsilanti for a while. Oh, but you've
earned it after thirty years of being a preacher."
"Hush. Don't let me hear you say the awful
word," said the little old man in the little black hat
and the close-fitting black bib. "I'm so tired of it,
Sally, I don't want anybody on the train to know it."
"They can't help guessing it, with your collar
buttoned behind."
And then the amazing minister actually dared to
say, "Here's where I change it around." What's
more, he actually did it. Actually took off his collar
and buttoned it to the front. The old carriage
seemed almost to rock with the earthquake of the
deed.
"Why, Walter Temple!" his wife exclaimed.
"What would they say in Ypsilanti ?"
62 EXCUSE ME!
"They'll never know," he answered, defiantly.
"But your bib?" she said.
"I've thought of that, too," he cried, as he
whipped it off and stuffed it into a handbag. "Look,
what I've bought." And he dangled before her
startled eyes a long affair which the sudden light
from a passing lamppost revealed to be nothing less
than a flaring red tie.
The little old lady touched it to make sure she
was not dreaming it. Then, omitting further parley
with fate, she snatched it away, put it round his
neck, and, since her arms were embracing him, kissed
him twice before she knotted the ribbon into a flam-
ing bow. She sat back and regarded the vision a
moment, then flun^ her arms around him and
hugged him till he gasped:
"Watch out — vatch out. Don't crush my cigars."
"Cigars! Cigars!" she echoed, in a daze.
And then the astounding husband produced them
in proof.
"Genuine Lillian Russells — five cents straight."
"But I never saw you smoke."
"Haven't taken a puff since I was a young fellow,"
he grinned, wagging his head. "But now it's my
vacation, and I'm going to smoke up."
She squeezed his hand with an earlier ardor:
"Now you're the old Walter Temple I used to
know."
"Sally," he said, "I've been traveling through
"NO\V IT'S MY VACATION, AND I'M GOING TO SMOKE UP"
THE MASKED MINISTER 63
life on a half-fare ticket. Now I'm going to have
my little fling. And you brace up, too, and be the:
old mischievous Sally I used to know. Aren't you
glad to be away from those sewing circles and gos-
sip-bees, and "
"Ugh! Don't ever mention them," she shud-
dered. Then she, too, felt a tinge of recurring;
springtide. "If you start to smoking, I think I'll
take up flirting once more."
He pinched her cheek and laughed. "As the
saying is, go as far as you desire and I'll leave the
coast clear."
He kept his promise, too, for they were no sooner
on the train and snugly bestowed in section five, than
he was up and off.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To the smoking-room," he swaggered, brandish-
ing a dangerous looking cigar.
"Oh, Walter," she snickered, "I feel like a young
runaway."
"You look like one. Be careful not to let any-
body know that you're a" — he lowered his voice —
"an old preacher's wife."
"I'm as ashamed of it as you are," she whispered.
Then he threw her a kiss and a wink. She threw
him a kiss and winked, too. And he went along
the aisle eyeing his cigar gloatingly. As he entered
the smoking-room, lighted the weed and blew out a
great puff with a sigh of rapture, who could have
64 EXCUSE ME!
taken him, with his feet cocked up, and his red tie
rakishly askew, for a minister?
And Sally herself was busy disguising herself,
loosening up her hair coquettishly, smiling the prim-
ness out of the set corners of her mouth and even —
let the truth be told at all costs — even passing a
pink-powdered puff over her pale cheeks with guilty
surreptition.
Thus arrayed she was soon joining the conspira-
tors bedecking the bower for the expected bride and
groom. She was the youngest and most mischievous
of the lot. She felt herself a bride again, and vowed
to protect this timid little wife to come from too
much hilarity at the hands of the conspirators.
CHAPTER VIII
A MIXED PICKLE
MRS. WHITCOMB had almost blushed when she
had murmured to Lieutenant Hudson:
"I should think the young couple would have pre-
ferred a stateroom."
And Mr. Hudson had flinched a little as he ex-
plained:
"Yes, of course. We tried to get it, but it was
gone."
It was during the excitement over the decoration
of the bridal section, that the stateroom-tenants
slipped in unobserved.
First came a fluttering woman whose youthful
beauty had a certain hue of experience, saddening
and wisering. The porter brought her in from the
station-platform, led her to the stateroom's concave
door and passed in with her luggage. But she lin-
gered without, a Peri at the gate of Paradise.
When the porter returned to bow her in, she shiv-
ered and hesitated, and then demanded:
"Oh, Porter, are you sure there's nobody else
in there?"
The porter chuckled, but humored her panic.
65
-66 EXCUSE ME!
"I ain't seen nobody. Shall I look under the
seat?"
To his dismay, she nodded her head violently.
He rolled his eyes in wonderment, but returned to
the stateroom, made a pretense of examination, and
came back with a face full of reassurance. "No'm,
they's nobody there. Take a mighty small-size bur-
glar to squeeje unda that baid — er — berth. No'm,
nobody there."
"Oh!"
The gasp was so equivocal that he made bold to
ask:
"Is you pleased or disappointed?"
The mysterious young woman was too much agi-
tated to rebuke the impudence. She merely sighed :
"Oh, porter, I'm so anxious."
"I'm not — now," he muttered, for she handed him
a coin.
"Porter, have you seen anybody on board that
looks suspicious?"
"Ewabody looks suspicious to me, Missy. But
what was you expecting — especial?"
"Oh, porter, have you seen anybody that looks
like a detective in disguise?"
"Well, they's one man looks 's if he was dis-
guised as a balloon, but I don't believe he's no
slooch-hound."
"Well, if you see anything that looks like a de-
tective and he asks for Mrs. Fosdick "
A MIXED PICKLE «7
"Mrs. What-dick?"
"Mrs. Fosdick! You tell him I'm not on board."
And she gave him another coin.
"Yassum," said the porter, lingering willingly on
such fertile soil. "I'll tell him Mrs. Fosdick done
give me her word she wasn't on bode."
"Yes! — and if a woman should ask you."
"What kind of a woman?"
"The hideous kind that men call handsome."
"Oh, ain't they hideous, them handsome women?"
"Well, if such a woman asks for Mrs. Foscfick
— she's my husband's first wife — but of course that
doesn't interest you."
"No'm— yes'm."
"If she comes — tell her — tell her — oh, what shall
we tell her?"
The porter rubbed his thick skull: "Lemme see
— we might say you — I tell you what we'll tell her:
we'll tell her you took the train for New York; and
if she runs mighty fast she can just about ketch it."
"Fine, fine!" And she rewarded his genius with
another coin. "And, porter." He had not budged.
"Porter, if a very handsome man with luscious eyes
and a soulful smile asks for me "
"I'll th'ow him off the train!"
"Oh, no — no! — that's my husband — my present
husband. You may let him in. Now is it all per-
fectly clear, porter?"
"Oh, vassum, clear as clear." Thus guaranteed
68 EXCUSE ME!
she entered the stateroom, leaving the porter alone
with his problem. He tried to work it out in a semi-
audible mumble: "Lemme see! If your present
husband's absent wife gits on bode disguised as a
handsome hideous woman I'm to throw him — her
— off the train and let her — him — come in — oh,
yassum, you may rely on me." He bowed and held
out his hand again. But she was gone. He shuffled
on into the car.
He had hardly left the little space before the
stateroom when a handsome man with luscious
eyes, but without any smile at all, came slinking
along the corridor and tapped cautiously on the
door. Silence alone answered him at first, then
when he had rapped again, he heard a muffled:
"Go away. I'm not in."
He put his lips close and softly called: "Edith!"
At this Sesame the door opened a trifle, but when
he tried to enter, a hand thrust him back and a voice
again warned him off. "You musn't come in."
"But I'm your husband."
"That's just why you musn't come in." The door
opened a little wider to give him a view of a down-
cast beauty moaning:
"Oh, Arthur, I'm so afraid."
"Afraid?" he sniffed. "With your husband
here?"
"That's the trouble, Arthur. What if your
former wife should find us together?"
A MIXED PICKLE 69
"But she and I are divorced."
"In some states, yes — but other states don't ac-
knowledge the divorce. That former wife of yours
is a fiend to pursue us this way."
"She's no worse than your former husband. He's
pursuing us, too. My divorce was as good as yours,
my dear."
"Yes, and no better."
The angels looking on might have judged from
the ready tempers of the newly married and not en-
tirely unmarried twain that their new alliance prom-
ised to be as exciting as their previous estates.
Perhaps the man subtly felt the presence of those
eternal eavesdroppers, for he tried to end the love-
duel in the corridor with an appeasing caress and a
tender appeal: "But let's not start our honeymoon
with a quarrel."
His partial wife returned the caress and tried to
explain: "I'm not quarreling with you, dear heart,
but with the horrid divorce laws. Why, oh, why
did we ever interfere with them?"
He made a brave effort with: "We ended two
unhappy marriages, Edith, to make one happy
one."
"But I'm so unhappy, Arthur, and so afraid."
He seemed a trifle afraid himself and his gaze
was askance as he urged: "But the train will start
soon, Edith — and then we shall be safe."
Mrs. Fosdick had a genius for inventing unpleas-
70 EXCUSE ME!
ant possibilities. "But what if your former wife or
my former husband should have a detective on
board?"
"A detective? — poof!" He snapped his fingers
in bravado. "You are with your husband, aren't
you?"
"In Illinois, yes," she admitted, very dolefully.
"But when we come to Iowa, I'm a bigamist, and
when we come to Nebraska, you're a bigamist, and
when we come to Wyoming, we're not married at
all."
It was certainly a tangled web they had woven,
but a ray of light shot through it into his bewildered
soul. "But we're all right in Utah. Come, dear-
est."
He took her by the elbow to escort her into their
sanctuary, but still she hung back.
"On one condition, Arthur — that you leave me
as soon as we cross the Iowa state line, and not
come back till we get to Utah. Remember, the
Iowa state line!"
"Oh, all right," he smiled. And seeing the por-
ter, he beckoned him close and asked with careless
indifference: "Oh, Porter, what time do we reach
the Iowa state line?"
"Two fifty-five in the mawning, sah."
"Two fifty-five A. M.?" the wretch exclaimed.
"Two fifty-five A. M., yassah," the porter re-
peated, and wondered why this excerpt from the
A MIXED PICKLE 71
time-table should exert such a dramatic effect on the
luscious-eyed Fosdick.
He had small time to meditate the puzzle, for the
train was about to be launched upon its long voy-
age. He went out to the platform, and watched a
couple making that way. As their only luggage was
a dog-basket he supposed that they were simply come
to bid some of his passengers good-bye. No tips
were to be expected from such transients, so he
allowed them to help themselves up the steps.
Mallory and his Marjorie had tried to kiss the
farewell of farewells half a dozen times, but she
could not let him go at the gate. She asked the guard
to let her through, and her beauty was bribe enough.
Again and again, she and Mallory paused. He
wanted to take her back to the taxicab, but she would
not be so dismissed. She must spend the last avail-
able second with him.
"I'll go as far as the steps of the car," she said.
When they were arrived there, two porters, a sleep-
ing car conductor and several smoking saunterers
profaned the tryst. So she whispered that she would
come aboard, for the corridor would be a quiet lane
for the last rites.
And now that he had her actually on the train,
Mallory' s whole soul revolted against letting her go.
The vision of her standing on the platform sad-
eyed and lorn, while the train swept him off into
Y2 EXCUSE ME!
space was unendurable. He shut his eyes against it,
but it glowed inside the lids.
And then temptation whispered him its old "Why
not?" While it was working in his soul like a fer-
menting yeast, he was saying:
"To think that we should owe all our misfortune
to an infernal taxicab's break-down."
Out of the anguish of her loneliness crept one
little complaint:
"If you had really wanted me, you'd have had two
taxicabs."
"Oh, how can you say that? I had the license
bought and the minister waiting."
"He's waiting yet."
"And the ring — there's the ring." He fished it
out of his waistcoat pocket and held it before her
as a golden amulet.
"A lot of good it does now," said Marjorie.
"You won't even wait over till the next train."
"I've told you a thousand times, my love," he
protested, desperately, "if I don't catch the trans-
port, I'll be courtmartialed. If this train is late,
I'm lost. If you really loved me you'd come along
with me."
Her very eyes gasped at this astounding pro-
posal.
"Why, Harry Mallory, you know it's impossible."
Like a sort of benevolent Satan, he laid the
ground for his abduction: "You'll leave me, then,
A MIXED PICKLE 73
to spend three years without you — out among those
Manila women."
She shook her head in terror at this vision. "It
would be too horrible for words to have you marry
one of those mahogany sirens."
He held out the apple. "Better come along,
then."
"But how can I? We're not married."
He answered airily: "Oh, I'm sure there's a min-
ister on board."
"But it would be too awful to be married with all
the passengers gawking. No, I couldn't face it.
Good-bye, honey."
She turned away, but he caught her arm: "Don't
you love me?"
"To distraction. I'll wait for you, too."
"Three years is a long wait."
"But I'll wait, if you will."
With such devotion he could not tamper. It was
too beautiful to risk or endanger or besmirch with
any danger of scandal. He gave up his fantastic
project and gathered her into his arms, crowded
her into his very soul, as he vowed: "I'll wait for
you forever and ever and ever."
Her arms swept around his neck, and she gave
herself up as an exile from happiness, a prisoner of
a far-off love:
"Good-bye, my husband-to-be."
74 EXCUSE ME!
"Good-bye my wife-that-was-to-have-been-and-
will-be-yet-maybe."
"Good-bye."
"Good-bye."
"Good-bye."
"Good-bye."
"I must go."
"Yes, you must."
"One last kiss."
"One more — one long last kiss."
And there, entwined in each other's arms, with
lips wedded and eyelids clinched, they clung together,
forgetting everything past, future, or present.
Love's anguish made them blind, mute, and deaf.
They did not hear the conductor crying his, "All
Aboard!" down the long wall of the train. They
did not hear the far-off knell of the bell. They did
not hear the porters banging the vestibules shut.
They did not feel the floor sliding out with them.
And so the porter found them, engulfed in one
embrace, swaying and swaying, and no more aware
of the increasing rush of the train than we other pas-
sengers on the earth-express are aware of its speed
through the ether-routes on its ancient schedule.
The porter stood with his box-step in his hand,
and blinked and wondered. And they did not even
know they were observed.
CHAPTER IX
ALL ABOARD !
THE starting of the train surprised the ironical
decorators in the last stages of their work. Their
smiles died out in a sudden shame, as it came over
them that the joke had recoiled on their own heads.
They had done their best to carry out the time-
honored rite of making a newly married couple as
miserable as possible — and the newly married couple
had failed to do its share.
The two lieutenants glared at each other in mutual
contempt. They had studied much at West Point
about ambushes, and how to avoid them. Could
Mallory have escaped the pit they had digged for
him? They looked at their handiwork in disgust.
The cosy-corner effect of white ribbons and orange
flowers, gracefully masking the concealed rice-trap,
had seemed the wittiest thing ever devised. Now
it looked the silliest.
The other passengers were equally downcast.
Meanwhile the two lovers in the corridor were kiss-
ing good-byes as if they were hoping to store up
honey enough to sustain their hearts for a three
75
76 EXCUSE ME!
years' fast. And the porter was studying them with
perplexity.
He was used, however, to waking people out of
dreamland, and he began to fear that if he were
discovered spying on the lovers, he might suffer.
So he coughed discreetly three or four times.
Since the increasing racket of the train made no
effect on the two hearts beating as one, the small
matter of a cough was as nothing.
Finally the porter was compelled to reach forward
and tap Mallory's arm, and stutter:
" 'Scuse me, but co-could I git b-by?"
The embrace was untied, and the lovers stared at
him with a dazed, where-am-I? look. Marjorie was
the first to realize what awakened them. She felt
called upon to say something, so she said, as care-
lessly as if she had not just emerged from, a young
gentleman's arms:
"Oh, porter, how long before the train starts?"
"Train's done started, Missy."
This simple statement struck the wool from her
eyes and the cotton from her ears, and she was
wide enough awake when she cried: "Oh, stop it —
stop it!"
"That's mo'n I can do, Missy," the porter expos-
tulated.
"Then I'll jump off," Marjorie vowed, making a
dash for the door.
ALL ABOARD! 77
But the porter filled the narrow path, and waved
her back.
"Vestibule's done locked up — train's going lickety-
split." Feeling that he had safely checkmated any
rashness, the porter squeezed past the dumbfounded
pair, and went to change his blue blouse for the
white coat of his chambermaidenly duties. Mai-
lory's first wondering thought was a rapturous feel-
ing that circumstances had forced his dream into
a reality. He thrilled with triumph: "You've got
to go with me now."
"Yes — I've got to go," Marjorie assented meekly;
then, sublimely, "It's fate. Kismet!"
They clutched each other again in a fiercely bliss-
ful hug. Marjorie came back to earth with a bump :
"Are you really sure there's a minister on board?"
"Pretty sure," said Mallory, sobering a trifle.
"But you said you were sure?"
"Well, when you say you're sure, that means
you're not quite sure."
It was not an entirely satisfactory justification, and
Marjorie began to quake with alarm: "Suppose
there shouldn't be?"
"Oh, then," Mallory answered carelessly, "there's
bound to be one to-morrow."
Marjorie realized at once the enormous abyss be-
tween then and the morrow, and she gasped: "To-
morrow! And no chaperon! Oh, I'll jump out
of the window."
78 EXCUSE ME!
Mallory could prevent that, but when she pleaded,
"What shall we do?" he had no solution to offer.
Again it was she who received the first inspiration.
"I have it," she beamed.
"Yes, Marjorie?" he assented, dubiously.
"We'll pretend not to be married at all."
He seized the rescuing ladder: "That's it! Not
married — just friends."
"Till we can get married "
"Yes, and then we can stop being friends."
"My love — my friend!" They embraced in a
most unfriendly manner.
An impatient yelp from the neglected dog-basket
awoke them.
"Oh, Lord, we've brought Snoozleums."
"Of course we have." She took the dog from
the prison, tucked him under her arm, and tried to
compose her bridal face into a merely friendly coun-
tenance before they entered the car. But she must
pause for one more kiss, one more of those bitter-
sweet good-byes. And Mallory was nothing loath.
Hudson and Shaw were still glumly perplexed,
when the porter returned in his white jacket.
"I bet they missed the train; all this work for
nothing," Hudson grumbled. But Shaw, seeing the
porter, caught a gleam of hope, and asked anxiously :
"Say, porter, have you seen anything anywhere
that looks like a freshly married pair?"
"Well," and the porter rubbed his eyes with the
ALL ABOARD! 79
back of his hand as he chuckled, "well, they's a
mighty lovin' couple out theah in the corridor."
"That's them— they— it!"
Instantly everything was alive and in action. It
was as if a bugle had shrilled in a dejected camp.
"Get ready!" Shaw commanded. "Here's rice
for everybody."
"Everybody take an old shoe," said Hudson.
"You can't miss in this narrow car."
"There's a kazoo for everyone, too," said Shaw,
as the outstretched hands were equipped with wed-
ding ammunition. "Do you know the 'Wedding
March'?"
"I ought to by this time," said Mrs. Whitcomb.
Right into the tangle of preparation, old Ira
Lathrop stalked, on his way back to his seat to get
more cigars.
"Have some rice for the bridal couple?" said
Ashton, offering him of his own double-handful.
But Lathrop brushed him aside with a romance-
hater's growl.
"Watch out for your head, then," cried Hudson,
and Lathrop ducked just too late to escape a neck-
filling, hair-filling shower. An old shoe took him a
clip abaft the ear, and the old woman-hater dropped
raging into the same berth where the spinster, Anne
Cattle, was trying to dodge the same downpour.
Still there was enough of the shrapnel left to
overwhelm the two young "friends," who marched
80 EXCUSE ME!
into the aisle, trying to look indifferent and pre-
pared for nothing on earth less than for a wedding
charivari.
Mallory should have done better than to entrust
his plans to fellows like Hudson and Shaw, whom
he had known at West Point for diabolically joyous
hazers and practical jokers. Even as he sputtered
rice and winced from the impact of flying footgear,
he was cursing himself as a double-dyed idiot for
asking such men to engage his berth for him. He
had a sudden instinct that they had doubtless be-
decked his trunk and Marjorie's with white satin
furbelows and ludicrous labels. But he could not
shelter himself from the white sleet and the black
thumps. He could hardly shelter Marjorie, who
cowered behind him and shrieked even louder than
the romping tormentors.
When the assailants had exhausted the rice and
shoes, they charged down the aisle for the privi-
lege of kissing the bride. Mallory was dragged
and bunted and shunted here and there, and he had
to fight his way back to Marjorie with might and
main. He was tugging and striking like a demon,
and yelling, "Stop it! stop it!"
Hudson took his punishment with uproarious
good nature, laughing:
"Oh, shut up, or we'll kiss you !"
But Shaw was scrubbing his wry lips with a sea-
sick wail of:
ALL ABOARD! 81
"Wow! I think I kissed the dog."
There was, of necessity, some pause for breath,
and the combatants draped themselves limply about
the seats. Mallory glared at the twin Benedict
Arnolds and demanded:
"Are you two thugs going to San Francisco with
us?"
"Don't worry," smiled Hudson, "we're only going
as far as Kedzie Avenue, just to start the honeymoon
properly."
If either of the elopers had been calmer, the solu-
tion of the problem would have been simple. Mar-
jorie could get off at this suburban station and drive
home from there. But their wits were like pied
type, and they were further jumbled, when Shaw
broke in with a sudden: "Come, see the little dove-
cote we fixed for you."
Before they knew it, they were both haled along
the aisle to the white satin atrocity. "Love in a
bungalow," said Hudson. "Sit down — make your-
selves perfectly at home."
"No— never — oh, oh, oh!" cried Marjorie, dart-
ing away and throwing herself into the first empty
seat — Ira Lathrop's berth. Mallory followed to
console her with caresses and murmurs of, "There,
there, don't cry, dearie!"
Hudson and Shaw followed close with mawkish
mockery: "Don't cry, dearie."
And now Mrs. Temple intervened. She had en-
82 EXCUSE ME!
joyed the initiation ceremony as well as anyone. But
when the little bride began to cry, she remembered
the pitiful terror and shy shame she had undergone
as a girl-wife, and she hastened to Marjorie's side,
brushing the men away like gnats.
"You poor thing," she comforted. "Come, my
child, lean on me, and have a good cry."
Hudson grinned, and put out his own arms: "She
can lean on me, if she'd rather."
Mrs. Temple glanced up with indignant rebuke:
"Her mother is far away, and she wants a mother's
breast to weep on. Here's mine, my dear."
The impudent Shaw tapped his own military
chest: "She can use mine."
Infuriated at this bride-baiting, Mallory rose and
confronted the two imps with clenched fists: "You're
a pretty pair of friends, you are !"
The imperturbable Shaw put out a pair of tickets
as his only defence : "Here are your tickets, old boy."
And Hudson roared jovially: "We tried to get
you a stateroom, but it was gone."
"And here are your baggage checks," laughed
Shaw, forcing into his fists a few pasteboards. "We
got your trunks on the train ahead, all right. Don't
mention it — you're entirely welcome."
It was the porter that brought the first relief from
the ordeal.
"If you gemmen is gettin' off at Kedzie Avenue,
you'd better step smart. We're slowin' up now."
ALL ABOARD! 83
Marjorie was sobbing too audibly to hear, and
Mallory swearing too inaudibly to heed the oppor-
tunity Kedzie Avenue offered. And Hudson was
yelling: "Well, good-bye, old boy and old girl. Sorry
we can't go all the way." He had the effrontery
to try to kiss the bride good-bye, and Shaw was
equally bold, but Mallory's fury enabled him to
beat them off. He elbowed and shouldered them
down the aisle, and sent after them one of his own
shoes. But it just missed Shaw's flying coattails.
Mallory stood glaring after the departing trait-
ors. He was glad that they at least were gone, till
he realized with a sickening slump in his vitals, that
they had not taken with them his awful dilemma.
And now the train was once more clickety-clicking
into the night and the West.
CHAPTER X
EXCESS BAGGAGE
NEVER wa<j a young soldier so stumped by a
p, >blem in tactics as Lieutenant Harry Mallory,
sa/ely aboard his train, and not daring to leave it,
yet hopelessly unaware of how he was to dispose
of his lovely but unlabelled baggage.
Hudson and Shaw had erected a white satin tem-
ple to Hymen in berth number one, had created such
commotion, and departed in such confusion, that
there had been no opportunity to proclaim that he
and Marjorie were "not married — just friends."
And now the passengers had accepted them as
that enormous fund of amusement to any train, a
newly wedded pair. To explain the mistake would
have been difficult, even among friends. But among
strangers — well, perhaps a wiser and a colder brain
than Harry Mallory's could have stood there and
delivered a brief oration restoring truth to her ped-
estal. But Mallory was in no condition for such a
stoic delivery.
He mopped his brow in agony, lost in a blizzard
of bewilderments. He drifted back toward Mar-
jorie, half to protect and half for companionship.
84
EXCESS BAGGAGE 85
He found Mrs. Temple cuddling her close and
mothering her as if she were a baby instead of a
bride.
"Did the poor child run away and get married?"
Marjorie's frantic "Boo-hoo-hoo" might have
meant anything. Mrs. Temple took it for assent,
and murmured with glowing reminiscence :
"Just the way Doctor Temple and I did."
She could not see the leaping flash of wild hope
that lighted up Mallory's face. She only heard his
voice across her shoulder:
"Doctor? Doctor Temple? Is your husband a
reverend doctor?"
"A reverend doctor?" the little old lady repeated
weakly.
"Yes — a — a preacher?"
The poor old congregation-weary soul was
abruptly confronted with the ruination of all the
delight in her little escapade with her pulpit-fagged
husband. If she had ever dreamed that the girl
who was weeping in her arms was weeping from
any other fright than the usual fright of young
brides, fresh from the preacher's benediction, she
would have cast every other consideration aside,
and told the truth.
But her husband's last behest before he left her
had been to keep their p-ecious pretend-secret. She
felt — just then — that a woman's first duty is to obey
her husband. Besides, what business was it of this
86 EXCUSE ME!
young husband's what her old husband's business
was? Before she had fairly begun to debate her
duty, almost automatically, with the instantaneous
instinct of self-protection, her lips had uttered the
denial:
"Oh — he's — just a — plain doctor. There he is
now."
Mallory cast one miserable glance down the aisle
at Dr. Temple coming back from the smoking room.
As the old man paused to stare at the bridal berth,
whose preparation he had not seen, he was just
enough befuddled by his first cigar for thirty years
to look a trifle tipsy. The motion of the train and
the rakish tilt of his unwonted crimson tie confirmed
the suspicion and annihilated Mallory's new-born
hope, that perhaps repentant fate had dropped a
parson at their very feet.
He sank into the seat opposite Marjorie, who
gave him one terrified glance, and burst into fresh
sobs:
"Oh — oh — boo-hoo — I'm so unhap — hap — py."
Perhaps Mrs. Temple was a little miffed at the
couple that had led her astray and opened her own
honeymoon with a wanton fib. In any case, the best
consolation she could offer Marjorie was a perfunc-
tory pat, and a cynicism :
"There, there, dear! You don't know what real
unhappiness is yet. Wait till you've been married a
while."
EXCESS BAGGAGE 87
And then she noted a startling lack of complete-
ness in the bride's hand.
"Why — my dear! — where's your wedding ring?"
With what he considered great presence of mind,
Mallory explained: "It — it slipped off — I — I picked
it up. I have it here." And he took the little gold
band from his waistcoat and tried to jam it on Mar-
iorie's right thumb.
"Not on the thumb !" Mrs. Temple cried. "Don't
you know?"
"You see, it's my first marriage."
"You poor boy — this finger!" And Mrs. Tem-
ple, raising Marjorie's limp hand, selected the
proper digit, and held it forward, while Mallory
pressed the fatal circlet home.
And then Mrs. Temple, having completed their
installation as man and wife, utterly confounded
their confusion by her final effort at comfort: "Well,
my dears, I'll go back to my seat, and leave you
alone with your dear husband."
"My dear what?" Marjorie mumbled inanely, and
began to sniffle again. Whereupon Mrs. Temple
resigned her to Mallory, and consigned her to fate
with a consoling platitude:
"Cheer up, my dear, you'll be all right in the
morning."
Marjorie and Mallory's eyes met in one wild
clash, and then both stared into the window, and did
not notice that the shades were down.
CHAPTER XI
A CHANCE RENCOUNTER
WHILE Mrs. Temple was confiding to her hus-
band that the agitated couple in the next seat had
just come from a wedding-factory, and had got on
while he was lost in tobacco land, the people in the
seat on the other side of them were engaged in a lit-
tle drama of their own.
Ira Lathrop, known to all who knew him as a
woman-hating snapping-turtle, was so busily engaged
trying to drag the farthest invading rice grains out
of the back of his neck, that he was late in realizing
his whereabouts. When he raised his head, he
found that he had crowded into a seat with an un-
comfortable looking woman, who crowded against
the window with old-maidenly timidity.
He felt some apology to be necessary, and he
snarled: "Disgusting things, these weddings!" After
he heard this, it did not sound entirely felicitous, so
he grudgingly ventured: "Excuse me — you mar-
ried?"
She denied the soft impeachment so heartily that
he softened a little:
A CHANCE RENCOUNTER 89
"You're a sensible woman. I guess you and I
are the only sensible people on this train."
"It — seems — so," she giggled. It was the first
time her spinstership had been taken as material for
a compliment. Something in the girlish giggle and
the strangely young smile that swept twenty years
from her face and belied the silver lines in her hair,
seemed to catch the old bachelor's attention. He
stared at her so fiercely that she looked about for
a way of escape. Then a curiously anxious, almost a
hungry, look softened his leonine jowls into a boyish
eagerness, and his growl became a sort of gruff purr:
"Say, you look something like an old sweetheart
— er — friend — of mine. Were you ever in Brat-
tleboro, Vermont?"
A flush warmed her cheek, and a sense of home
warmed her prim speech, as she confessed:
"I came from there originally."
"So did I," said Ira Lathrop, leaning closer, and
beaming like a big sun: "I don't suppose you remem-
ber Ira Lathrop?"
The old maid stared at the bachelor as if she
were trying to see the boy she had known, through
the mask that time had modeled on his face. And
then she was a girl again, and her voice chimed as
she cried:
"Why, Ira! — Mr. Lathrop! — is it you?"
She gave him her hand — both her hands, and he
smothered them in one big paw and laid the other
90 EXCUSE ME!
on for extra warmth, as he nodded his savage head
and roared as gentle as a sucking dove:
"Well, well! Annie — Anne — Miss Cattle!
What do you think of that?"
They gossiped across the chasm of years about
people and things, and knew nothing of the excite-
ment so close to them, saw nothing of Chicago slip-
ping back into the distance, with its many lights
shooting across the windows like hurled torches.
Suddenly a twinge of ancient jealousy shot
through the man's heart, recurring to old emotions.
"So you're not married, Annie. Whatever be-
came of that fellow who used to hang round you all
the time?"
"Charlie Selby?" She blushed at the name, and
thrilled at the luxury of meeting jealousy. "Oh, he
entered the church. He's a minister out in Ogden,
Utah."
"I always knew he'd never amount to much," was
Lathrop's epitaph on his old rival. Then he started
with a new twinge: "You bound for Ogden, too?"
"Oh, no," she smiled, enraptured at the new sen-
sation of making a man anxious, and understanding
all in a flash the motives that make coquettes. Then
she told him her destination. "I'm on my way to
China."
"China!" he exclaimed. "So'm I!"
She stared at him with a new thought, and gushed :
"Oh, Ira — are you a missionary, too?"
A CHANCE RENCOUNTER 91
"Missionary? Hell, no!" he roared. "Excuse
me — I'm an importer — Anne, I — I "
But the sonorous swear reverberated in their ears
like a smitten bell, and he blushed for it, but could
not recall it.
CHAPTER XII
THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK
THE almost-married couple sat long in mutual
terror and a common paralysis of ingenuity. Mar-
jorie, for lack of anything better to do, was absent-
mindedly twisting Snoozleums's ears, while he, that
pocket abridgment of a dog, in a well meaning effort
to divert her from her evident grief, made a great
pretence of ferocity, growling and threatening to
bite her fingers off. The new ring attracted his spe-
cial jealousy. He was growing discouraged at the
ill-success of his impersonation of a wolf, and de-
jected at being so crassly ignored, when he suddenly
became, in his turn, a center of interest.
Marjorie was awakened from her trance of inani-
tion by the porter's voice. His plantation voice was
ordinarily as thick and sweet as his own New Orleans
sorghum, but now it had a bitterness that curdled
the blood:
" 'Scuse me, but how did you-all git that theah
dog in this heah cah?"
"Snoozleums is always with me," said Marjorie
briskly, as if that settled it, and turned for confirma-
tion to the dog himself, "aren't you, Snoozleums?"
92
THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK 93
"Well," the porter drawled, trying to be gracious
with his great power, "the rules don't 'low no live
stock in the sleepin' cars, 'ceptin' humans."
Marjorie rewarded his condescension with a
blunt: "Snoozleums is more human than you are."
"I p'sume he is," the porter admitted, "but he
can't make up berths. Anyway, the rules says dogs
goes with the baggage."
Marjorie swept rules aside with a defiant: "I
don't care. I won't be separated from my Snoozle-
ums."
She looked to Mallory for support, but he was too
sorely troubled with greater anxieties to be capable
of any action.
The porter tried persuasion: "You betta lemme
take him, the conducta is wuss'n what I am. He
th'owed a couple of dogs out the window trip befo'
last."
"The brute!"
"Oh, yassum, he is a regulah brute. He just loves
to hear 'm splosh when they light."
Noting the shiver that shook the girl, the porter
offered a bit of consolation:
"Better lemme have the pore little thing up in
the baggage cah. He'll be in charge of a lovely
baggage-smasher."
"Are you sure he's a nice man?"
"Oh, yassum, he's death on trunks, but he's a
natural born angel to dogs."
94 EXCUSE ME!
"Well, if I must, I must," she sobbed. "Poor lit-
tle Snoozleums ! Can he come back and see me to-
morrow?" Marjorie's tears were splashing on the
puzzled dog, who nestled close, with a foreboding
of disaster.
"I reckon p'haps you'd better visit him."
"Poor dear little Snoozleums — good night, my lit-
tle darling. Poor little child — it's the first night he's
slept all by his 'ittle lonesome, and "
The porter was growing desperate. He clapped
his hands together impatiently and urged: "I think I
hear that conducta comin'."
The ruse succeeded. Marjorie fairly forced the
dog on him. "Quick — hide him — hurry!" she
gasped, and sank on the seat completely crushed.
"I'll be so lonesonv without Snoozleums."
Mallory felt called upon to remind her of his
presence. "I — I'm here, Marjorie." She looked at
him just once — at him, the source of all her troubles
— buried her head in her arms, and resumed her
grief. Mallory stared at her helplessly, then rose
and bent over to whisper:
"I'm going to look through the train."
"Oh, don't leave me," she pleaded, clinging to
him with a dependence that restored his respect.
"I must find a clergyman," he whispered. "I'll be
back the minute I find one, and I'll bring him with
me."
The porter thought he wanted the dog back, and
MARJORIE FAIRLY FORCED THE DOG ON HIM.
THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK 95
quickened his pace till he reached the corridor, where
Mallory overtook him and asked, in an effort at cas-
ual indifference, if he had seen anything of a clergy-
man on board.
"Ain't seen nothin' that even looks like one," said
the porter. Then he hastened ahead to the baggage
car with the squirming Snoozleums, while Mallory
followed slowly, going from seat to seat and car to
car, subjecting all the males to an inspection that
rendered some of them indignant, others of them
uneasy.
If dear old Doctor Temple could only have known
what Mallory was hunting, he would have snatched
off the mask, and thrown aside the secular scarlet tie
at all costs. But poor Mallory, unable to recognize
a clergyman so dyed-in-the-wool as Doctor Temple,
sitting in the very next seat — how could he be ex-
pected to pick out another in the long and crowded
train?
All clergymen look alike when they are in con-
vention assembled, but sprinkled through a crowd
they are not so easily distinguished.
In the sleeping car bound for Portland, Mallory
picked one man as a clergyman. He had a lean,
ascetic face, solemn eyes, and he was talking to his
seat-mate in an oratorical manner. Mallory bent
down and tapped the man's shoulder.
The effect was surprising. The man jumped as
96 EXCUSE ME!
if he were stabbed, and turned a pale, frightened
face on Mallory, who murmured:
"Excuse me, do you happen to be a clergyman?"
A look of relief stole over the man's features,
followed closely by a scowl of wounded vanity:
"No, damn you, I don't happen to be a parson. I
have chosen to be — well, if you had watched the
billboards in Chicago during our run, you would not
need to ask who I am!"
Mallory mumbled an apology and hurried on,
just overhearing his victim's sigh:
"Such is fame!"
He saw two or three other clerical persons in
that car, but feared to touch their shoulders. One
man in the last seat held him specially, and he hid
in the turn of the corridor, in the hope of eaves-
dropping some clue. This man was bent and schol-
astic of appearance, and wore heavy spectacles and
a heavy beard, which Mallory took for a guaranty
that he was not another actor. And he was reading
what appeared to be printer's proofs. Mallory felt
certain that they were a volume of sermons. He lin-
gered timorously in the environs for some time be-
fore the man spoke at all to the dreary-looking
woman at his side. Then the stranger spoke. And
this is what he said and read:
"I fancy this will make the bigots sit up and take
notice, mother: 'If there ever was a person named
Moses, it is certain, from the writings ascribed to
THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK 97
him, that he disbelieved the Egyptian theory of a
life after death, and combated it as a heathenish
superstition. The Judaic idea of a future existence
was undoubtedly acquired from the Assyrians, dur-
ing the captivity.' '
He doubtless read much more, but Mallory fled
to the next car. There he found a man in a frock
coat talking solemnly to another of equal solemnity.
The seat next them was unoccupied, and Mallory
dropped into it, perking his ears backward for news.
"Was you ever in Moline ?" one voice asked.
"Was I?" the other muttered. "Wasn't I run
out of there by one of my audiences. I was givin'
hypnotic demonstrations, and I had a run-in with
one of my 'horses,' and he done me dirt. Right in
the midst of one of his cataleptic trances, he got
down from the chairs where I had stretched him out
and hollered: 'He's a bum faker, gents, and owes me
two weeks' pay.' Thank Gawd, there was a back
door openin' on a dark alley leadin' to the switch
yard. I caught a caboose just as a freight train was
pullin' out."
Mallory could hardly get strength to rise and
continue his search. On his way forward he met the
conductor, crossing a vestibule between cars. A
happy thought occurred to Mallory. He said:
"Excuse me, but have you any preachers on
board?"
"None so far."
98 EXCUSE ME!
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, if a grown man offers me a half-fare ticket,
I guess that's a pretty good sign, ain't it?"
Mallory guessed that it was, and turned back,
hopeless and helpless.
CHAPTER XIII
HOSTILITIES BEGIN
DURING Mallory's absence, Marjorie had met
with a little adventure of her own. Ira Lathrop
finished his re-encounter with Anne Gattle shortly
after Mallory set out stalking clergymen. In the
mingled confusion of finding his one romantic flame
still glowing on a vestal altar, and of shocking her
with an escape of profanity, he backed away from
her presence, and sank into his own berth.
He realized that he was not alone. Somebody
was alongside. He turned to find the great tear-
sprent eyes of Marjorie staring at him. He rose
with a recrudescence of his woman-hating wrath,
and dashing up the aisle, found the porter just re-
turning from the baggage car. He seized the black
factotum and growled:
"Say, porter, there's a woman in my berth."
The porter chuckled, incredulous:
"Woman in yo' berth !"
"Yes — get her out."
"Yassah," the porter nodded, and advanced on
Marjorie with a gentle, " 'Scuse me, missus — yo'
berth is numba one."
99
100 EXCUSE ME!
"I don't care," snapped Marjorie, "I won't take
it."
"But this un belongs to that gentleman."
"He can have mine — ours — Mr. Mallory's,"
cried Marjorie, pointing to the white-ribboned tent
in the farther end of the car. Then she gripped the
arms of the seat, as if defying eviction. The porter
stared at her in helpless chagrin. Then he shuffled
back and murmured: "I reckon you'd betta put her
out."
Lathrop withered the coward with one contemptu-
ous look, and strode down the aisle with a deter-
mined grimness. He took his ticket from his pocket
as a clinching proof of his title, and thrust it out
at Marjorie. She gave it one indifferent glance, and
then her eyes and mouth puckered, as if she had
munched a green persimmon, and a long low wail
like a distant engine-whistle, stole from her lips. Ira
Lathrop stared at her in blank wrath, doddered ir-
resolutely, and roared:
"Agh, let her have it!"
The porter smiled triumphantly, and said: "She
says you kin have her berth." He pointed at the
bridal arbor. Lathrop almost exploded at the idea.
Now he felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned
to see Little Jimmie Wellington emerging from his
berth with an enormous smile :
"Say, Pop, have you seen lovely rice-trap? Stick
around till she flops."
HOSTILITIES BEGIN 101
But Lathrop flung away to the smoking room.
1 ;ttle Jimmie turned to the jovial negro :
"Porter, porter."
"I'm right by you."
"What time d'you say we get to Reno?"
"Mawnin' of the fo'th day, sah."
"Well, call me just before we roll in."
And he rolled in. His last words floated down
the aisle and met Mrs. Little Jimmie Wellington
just returning from the Women's Room, where she
had sought nepenthe in more than one of her ex-
quisite little cigars. The familiar voice, familiarly
bibulous, smote her ear with amazement. She beck-
oned the porter to her anxiously.
"Porter! Porter! Do you know the name of
the man who just hurried in?"
"No'm," said the porter. "I reckon he's so broken
up he ain't got any name left."
"It couldn't be," Mrs. Jimmie mused.
"Things can be sometimes," said the porter.
"You may make up my berth now," said Mrs.
Wellington, forgetting that Anne Gattle was still
there. Mrs. Wellington hastened to apologize, and
begged her to stay, but the spinster wanted to be
far away from the disturbing atmosphere of divorce.
She was dreaming already with her eyes open, and
she sank into number six in a lotus-eater's reverie.
Mrs. Wellington gathered certain things together
and took up her handbag, to return to the Women's
102 EXCUSE ME!
Room, just as Mrs. Whitcomb came forth from the
curtains of her own berth, where she had made cer-
tain preliminaries to disrobing, and put on a light,
decidedly negligee negligee.
The two women collided in the aisle, whirled on
one another, as women do when they jostle, recog-
nized each other with wild stares of amazement,
set their teeth, and made a simultaneous dash along
the corridor, shoulder wrestling with shoulder. They
reached the door marked "Women" at the same in-
stant, and as neither would have dreamed of offer-
ing the other a courtesy, they squeezed through to-
gether in a Kilkenny jumble.
CHAPTER XIV
THE DORMITORY ON WHEELS
OF all the shocking institutions in human history,
the sleeping car is the most shocking — or would be,
if we were not so used to it. There can be no doubt
that we are the most moral nation on earth, for
we admit it ourselves. Perhaps we prove it, too, by
the Arcadian prosperity of these two-story hotels
on wheels, where miscellaneous travelers dwell in
complete promiscuity, and sleep almost side by side,
in apartments, or compartments, separated only by
a plank and a curtain, and guarded only by one
sleepy negro.
After the fashion of the famous country whose
inhabitants earned a meagre sustenance by taking in
each other's washing, so in Sleeping Carpathia we
attain a meagre respectability by everybody's chap-
eroning everybody else.
So topsy-turvied, indeed, are our notions, once
we are aboard a train, that the staterooms alone are
regarded with suspicion; we question the motives
of those who must have a room to themselves! — a
room with a real door! that locks! !
And, now, on this sleeping car, prettily named
"Snowdrop," scenes were enacting that would have
103
104 EXCUSE ME!
thrown our great-grandmothers into fits — scenes
which, if we found them in France, or Japan, we
should view with alarm as almost unmentionable evi-
dence of the moral obliquity of those nations.
But this was our own country — the part of it
which admits that it is the best part — the moralest
part, the staunch Middle West. This was Illinois.
Yet dozens of cars were beholding similar immodes-
tiest in chastest Illinois, and all over the map, thou-
sands of people, in hundreds of cars, were permitting
total strangers to view preparations which have
always, hitherto, been reserved for the most inti-
mate and legalized relations.
The porter was deftly transforming the day-
coach into a narrow lane entirely surrounded by
portieres. Behind most of the portieres, fluttering
in the lightest breeze, and perilously following the
hasty passer-by, homely offices were being enacted.
The population of this little town was going to bed.
The porter was putting them to sleep as if they were
children in a nursery, and he a black mammy.
The frail walls of little sanctums were bulging
with the bodies of people disrobing in the aisle, with
nothing between them and the beholder's eye but a
clinging curtain that explained what it did not re-
veal. From apertures here and there disembodied
feet were protruding and mysterious hands were
removing shoes and other things.
Women in risky attire were scooting to one end of
THE DORMITORY ON WHEELS 105
the car, and men in shirt sleeves, or less, were has-
tening to the other.
When Mallory returned to the "Snowdrop," his
ear was greeted by the thud of dropping shoes.
He found Marjorie being rapidly immured, like
Poe's prisoner, in a jail of closing walls.
She was unspeakably ill at ease, and by the irony
of custom, the one person on whom she depended for
protection was the one person whose contiguity was
most alarming — and all for lack of a brief trialogue,
with a clergyman, as the tertium quid.
When Mallory's careworn face appeared round
the edge of the partition now erected between her
and the abode of Doctor and Mrs. Temple, Mar-
jorie shivered anew, and asked with all anxiety:
"Did you find a minister?"
Perhaps the Recording Angel overlooked Mal-
lory's answer: "Not a damn' minister."
When he dropped at Marjorie's side, she edged
away from him, pleading: "Oh, what shall we do?"
He answered dismally and ineffectively: "We'll
have to go on pretending to be — just friends."
"But everybody thinks we're married."
"That's so!" he admitted, with the imbecility of
fatigued hope. They sat a while listening to the
porter slipping sheets into place and thumping pil-
lows into cases, a few doors down the street. He
would be ready for them at any moment. Something
must be done, but what? what?
CHAPTER XV
A PREMATURE DIVORCE
SuLDENLY Marjorie's heart gave a leap of joy.
She was having another idea. "I'll tell you, Harry.
We'll pretend to quarrel, and then "
"And then you can leave me in high dudgeon."
The ruse struck him as a trifle unconvincing.
"Don't you think it looks kind of improbable on —
on — such an occasion?"
Marjorie blushed, and lowered her eyes and her
voice: "Can you suggest anything better?"
"No, but "
"Then, we'll have to quarrel, darling."
He yielded, for lack of a better idea : "All right,
beloved. How shall we begin?"
On close approach, the idea did seem rather im-
possible to her. "How could I ever quarrel with
you, my love?" she cooed.
He gazed at her with a rush of lovely tenderness:
"And how could I ever speak crossly to you?"
"We never shall have a harsh word, shall we?"
she resolved.
"Never !" he seconded. So that resolution passed
the House unanimously.
106
A PREMATURE DIVORCE 107
They held hands in luxury a while, then she began
again: "Still, we must pretend. You start it, love."
"No, you start it," he pleaded.
"You ought to," she beamed. "You got me into
this mess."
The word slipped out. Mallory started: "Mess!
How is it my fault? Good Lord, are you going to
begin chucking it up?"
"Well, you must admit, darling," Marjorie urged,
"that you've bungled everything pretty badly."
It was so undeniable that he could only groan:
"And I suppose I'll hear of this till my dying day,
dearest."
Marjorie had a little temper all her own. So she
defended it: "If you are so afraid of my temper,
love, perhaps you'd better call it all off before it's
too late."
"I didn't say anything about your temper, sweet-
heart," Mallory insisted.
"You did, too, honey. You said I'd chuck this
up till your dying day. As if I had such a disposi-
tion! You can stay here." She rose to her feet.
He pressed her back with a decisive motion, and
demanded: "Where are you going?"
"Up in the baggage car with Snoozleums," she
sniffled. "He's the only one that doesn't find fault
with me."
Mallory was stung to action by this crisis:
"Wait," he said. He leaned out and motioned down
108 EXCUSE ME!
the alley. "Porter! Wait a moment, darling. Por-
ter!"
The porter arrived with a half-folded blanket in
his hands, and his usual, "Yassah!"
Beckoning him closer, Mallory mumbled in a
low tone: "Is there an extra berth on this car?"
The porter's eyes seemed to rebuke his ears.
"Does you want this upper made up?"
"No — of course not."
"Ex — excuse me, I thought "
"Don't you dare to think!" Mallory thundered.
"Isn't there another lower berth?"
The porter breathed hard, and gave this bridal
couple up as a riddle that followed no known rules.
He went to find the sleeping car conductor, and
returned with the information that the diagram
showed nobody assigned to number three.
"Then I'll take number three," said Mallory, pok-
ing money at the porter. And still the porter could
not understand.
"Now, lemme onderstan' you-all," he stammered.
"Does you both move over to numba three, or does
yo' — yo' lady remain heah, while jest you pream-
bulates?"
"Just I preambulate, you black hound!" Mal-
lory answered, in a threatening tone. The porter
could understand that, at least, and he bristled away
with a meek: "Yassah. Numba three is yours,
sah."
A PREMATURE DIVORCE 109
The troubled features of the baffled porter cleared
up as by magic when he arrived at number three,
for there he found his tyrant and tormentor, the
English invader.
He remembered how indignantly Mr. Wedge-
wood had refused to show his ticket, how cocksure
he was of his number, how he had leased the por-
ter's services as a sort of private nurse, and had paid
no advance royalties.
And now he was sprawled and snoring majestic-
ally among his many luggages, like a sleeping lion.
Revenge tasted good to the humble porter; it tasted
like a candied yam smothered in 'possum gravy. He
smacked his thick lips over this revenge. With all
the insolence of a servant in brief authority, he
gloated over his prey, and prodded him awake. Then
murmured with hypocritical deference: "Excuse me,
but could I see yo' ticket for yo' seat?"
"Certainly not ! It's too much trouble," grumbled
the half asleeper. "Confound you!"
The porter lured him on: "Is you sho' you got
one?"
Wedgewood was wide awake now, and surly as
any Englishman before breakfast: "Of cawse I'm
shaw. How dare you?"
"Too bad, but I'm 'bleeged to ask you to gimme
a peek at it."
"This is an outrage!"
"Yassah, but I just nachelly got to see it."
110 EXCUSE ME!
Wedgewood gathered himself together, and ran-
sacked his many pockets with increasing anger, mut-
tering under his breath. At length he produced the
ticket, and thrust it at the porter: "Thah, you idiot,
are you convinced now?"
The porter gazed at the billet with ill-concealed
triumph. "Yassah. I's convinced," Mr. Wedge-
wood settled back and closed his eyes. "I's con-
vinced that you is in the wrong berth !"
"Impossible! I won't believe you!" the English-
man raged, getting to his feet in a fury.
"Perhaps you'll believe Mista Ticket," the porter
chortled. "He says numba ten, and that's ten across
the way and down the road a piece."
"This is outrageous! I decline to move."
"You may decline, but you move just the same,"
the porter said, reaching out for his various bags
and carryalls. "The train moves and you move
with it."
Wedgewood stood fast: "You had no right to
put me in here in the first place."
The porter disdained to refute this slander. He
stumbled down the aisle with the bundles. "It's too
bad, it's sutt'nly too bad, but you sholy must come
along."
Wedgewood followed, gesticulating violently.
"Here — wait — how dare you! And that berth is
made up. I don't want to go to bed now I"
"Mista Ticket says, 'Go to baid!' "
A PREMATURE DIVORCE 111
"Of all the disgusting countries! Heah, don't
put that thah — heah."
The porter flung his load anywhere, and ab-
solved himself with a curt, "I's got otha passengers
to wait on now."
"I shall certainly report you to the company,"
the Englishman fumed.
"Yassah, I p'sume so."
"Have I got to go to bed now? Really, I "
but the porter was gone, and the irate foreigner
crawled under his curtains, muttering: "I shall write
a letter to the London Times about this."
To add to his misery, Mrs. Whitcomb came from
the Women's Room, and as she passed him, she
prodded him with one sharp elbow and twisted the
corner of her heel into his little toe. He thrust his
head out with his fiercest, "How dare you!" But
Mrs. Whitcomb was fresh from a prolonged encoun-
ter with Mrs. Wellington, and she flung back a ven-
omous glare that sent the Englishman to cover.
The porter reveled in his victory till he had to
dash out to the vestibule to give vent to hilarious
yelps of laughter. When he had regained compo-
sure, he came back to Mallory, and bent over him to
say:
"Yo' berth is empty, sah. Shall I make it up?"
Mallory nodded, and turned to Marjorie, with
a sad, "Good night, darling."
The porter rolled his eyes again, and turned away,
112 EXCUSE ME!
only to be recalled by Marjorie's voice: "Porter,
take this old handbag out of here."
The porter thought of the vanquished Lathrop,
exiled to the smoking room, and he answered: "That
belongs to the gemman what owns this berth."
"Put it in number one," Marjorie commanded,
with a queenly gesture.
The porter obeyed meekly, wondering what would
happen next. He had no sooner deposited Lathrop's
valise among the incongruous white ribbons, than
Marjorie recalled him to say: "And, Porter, you
may bring me my own baggage."
"Yo' what — missus?"
"Our handbags, idiot," Mallory explained,
peevishly.
"I ain't seen no handbags of you-alls," the por-
ter protested. "You-all didn't have no handbags
when you got on this cah."
Mallory jumped as if he had been shot. "Good
Lord, I remember! We left 'em in the taxicab!"
The porter cast his hands up, and walked away
from the tragedy. Marjorie stared at Mallory in
horror.
"We had so little time to catch the train," Mal-
lory stammered. Marjorie leaped to her feet: "I'm
going up in the baggage car."
"For the dog?"
"For my trunk."
And now Mallory annihilated her completely, for
A PREMATURE DIVORCE 113
he gasped: "Our trunks went on the train ahead !"
Marjorie fell back for one moment, then bounded
to her feet with shrill commands: "Porter! Porter!
I want you to stop this train this minute!"
The porter called back from the depths of a
berth: "This train don't stop till to-morrow
noon."
Marjorie had strength enough for only one vain
protest: "Do you mean to say that I've got to go to
San Francisco in this waist — a waist that has seen a
whole day in Chicago?"
The best consolation Mallory could offer was com-
panionship in misery. He pushed forward one not
too immaculate cuff. "Well, this is the only linen I
have."
"Don't speak to me," snapped Marjorie, beating
her heels against the floor.
"But, my darling!"
"Go away and leave me. I hate you!"
Mallory rose up, and stumbling down the aisle,
plounced into berth number three, an allegory of
despair.
About this time, Little Jimmie Wellington, having
completed more or less chaotic preparations for
sleep, found that he had put on his pyjamas hindside
foremost. After vain efforts to whirl round quickly
and get at his own back, he put out a frowsy head,
and called for help.
"Say, Porter, Porter!"
114 EXCUSE ME!
"I'm still on the train," answered the porter, com-
ing into view.
"You'll have to hook me up."
The porter rendered what aid and correction he
could in Wellington's hippopotamine toilet. Wel-
lington was just wide enough awake to discern the
undisturbed bridal-chamber. He whined:
"Say, Porter, that rice-trap. Aren't they going
to flop the rice-trap ?"
The porter shook his head sadly. "Don't look
like that floppers a'goin' to flip. That dog-on bridal
couple is done divorced a'ready!"
CHAPTER XVI
GOOD NIGHT, ALL !
THE car was settling gradually into peace. But
there was still some murmur and drowsy energy.
Shoes continued to drop, heads to bump against
upper berths, the bell to ring now and then, and ring
again and again.
The porter paid little heed to it; he was busy
making up number five (Ira Lathrop's berth) for
Marjorie, who was making what preparations she
could for her trousseauless, husbandless, dogless
first night out.
Finally the Englishman, who had almost rung the
bell dry of electricity, shoved from his berth his in-
dignant and undignified head. Once more the car
resounded with the cry of "Pawtah ! Pawtah !"
The porter moved up with noticeable delibera-
tion. "Did you ring, sah?"
"Did I ring! Paw-tah, you may draw my tub at
eight-thutty in the mawning."
"Draw yo' — what, sah?" the porter gasped.
"My tub."
"Ba-ath tub?"
"Bahth tub."
115
116 EXCUSE ME!
"Lawdy, man. Is you allowin' to take a ba-ath
in the mawnin'?"
"Of course I am."
"Didn't you have one befo' you stahted?"
"How dare you! Of cawse I did."
"Well, that's all you git."
"Do you mean to tell me that there is no tub on
this beastly train?" Wedgewood almost fell out
of bed with the shock of this news.
"We do not carry tubs — no, sah. There's a lot
of tubs in San Francisco, though."
"No tub on this train for four days!" Wedge-
wood sighed. "But whatever does one do in the
meanwhile?"
"One just waits. Yassah, one and all waits."
"It's ghahstly, that's what it is, ghahstly."
"Yassah," said the porter, and mumbled as he
walked away, "but the weather is gettin' cooler."
He finished preparing Marjorie's bunk, and was
just suggesting that Mallory retreat to the smoking
room while number three was made up, when there
was a commotion in the corridor, and a man in
checked overalls dashed into the car.
His ear was slightly red, and he held at arm's
length, as if it were a venomous monster, Snoozle-
ums. And he yelled:
"Say, whose durn dog is this? He bit two men,
and he makes so much noise we can't sleep in the bag-
gage car."
GOOD NIGHT, ALL! 117
Marjorie went flying down the aisle to reclaim her
1 jst lamb in wolf's clothing, and Snoozleums, the
returned prodigal, yelped and leaped, and told her
all about the indignities he had been subjected to,
and his valiant struggle for liberty.
Marjorie, seeing only Snoozleums, stepped into
the fatal berth number one, and paid no heed to the
dangling ribbons. Mallory, eager to restore himself
to her love by loving her dog, crowded closer to
her side, making a hypocritical ado over the pup.
Everybody was popping his or her face out to
learn the cause of such clamor. Among the bodi-
less heads suspended along the curtains, like Dyak
trophies, appeared the great mask of Little Jimmie
Wellington. He had been unable to sleep for
mourning the wanton waste of that lovely rice-trap.
When he peered forth, his eyes hardly believed
themselves. The elusive bride and groom were actu-
ally in the trap — the hen pheasant and the chanti-
cleer. But the net did not fall. He waited to see
them sit down, and spring the infernal machine. But
they would not sit.
In fact, Marjorie was muttering to Harry — ten-
derly, now, since he had won her back by his efforts
to console Snoozleums — she was muttering tenderly :
"We must not be seen together, honey. Go away,
I'll see you in the morning."
And Mallory was saying with bitterest resigna-
tion: "Good night — my friend."
118 EXCUSE ME!
And they were shaking hands! This incredible
bridal couple was shaking hands with itself — disin-
tegrating! Then Wellington determined to do at
least his duty by the sacred rites.
The gaping passengers saw what was probably
the largest pair of pyjamas in Chicago. They saw
Little Jimmie, smothering back his giggles like a
schoolboy, tiptoe from his berth, enter the next
berth, brushing the porter aside, climb on the seat,
and clutch the ribbon that pulled the stopper from
the trap.
Down upon the unsuspecting elopers came this
miraculous cloudburst of ironical rice, and with it
came Little Jimmie Wellington, who lost what lit-
tle balance he had, and catapulted into their midst
like the offspring of an iceberg.
It was at this moment that Mrs. Wellington,
hearing the loud cries of the panic-stricken Marjorie,
rushed from the Women's Room, absent-mindedly
combing a totally detached section of her hair. She
recognized familiar pyjamas waving in air, and with
one faint gasp: "Jimmie! on this train!" she
swooned away. She would have fallen, but seeing
that no one paid any attention to her, she recovered
consciousness on her own hook, and vanished into
her berth, to meditate on the whys and wherefores of
her husband's presence in this car.
Dr. Temple in a nightgown and trousers, Roger
Ashton in a collarless estate, and the porter, man-
DOWN UPON THE UNSUSPECTING ELOPERS CAME THIS MIRACULOUS
CLOUDBURST OF IRONICAL RICE
GOOD NIGHT, ALL! 119
aged to extricate Mr. Wellington from his plight,
and stow him away, though it was like putting a
whale to bed.
Mallory, seeing that Marjorie had fled, vented
his wild rage against fate in general, and rice traps
in particular, by tearing the bridal bungalow to
pieces, and then he stalked into the smoking room,
where Ira Lathrop, homeless and dispossessed, was
sound asleep, with his feet in the chair.
He was dreaming that he was a boy in Brattle-
boro, the worst boy in Brattleboro, trying to get up
the courage to spark pretty Anne Gattle, and throw-
ing rocks at the best boy in town, Charlie Selby, who
was always at her side. The porter woke Ira, an
hour later, and escorted him to the late bridal
section.
Marjorie had fled with her dog, as soon as she
could grope her way through the deluge of rice.
She hopped into her berth, and spent an hour trying
to clear her hair of the multitudinous grains. And
as for Snoozleums, his thick wool was so be-riced
that for two days, whenever he shook himself, he
snew.
Eventually, the car quieted, and nothing was
heard but the rumble and click of the wheels on
the rails, the creak of timbers, and the frog-like
chorus of a few well-trained snorers. As the por-
ter was turning down the last of the lights, a rumpled
120 EXCUSE ME!
pate was thrust from the stateroom, and the luscious-
eyed man whispered:
"Porter, what time did you say we crossed the
Iowa State line?"
"Two fifty-five A. M."
From within the stateroom came a deep sigh, then
with a dismal groan: "Call me at two fifty-five
A. M.," the door was closed.
Poor Mallory, pyjamaless and night-shirtless, lay
propped up on his pillows, staring out of the window
at the swiftly shifting night scene. The State of
Illinois was being pulled out from under the train
like a dark rug.
Farmhouses gleamed or dreamed lampless. The
moonlight rippled on endless seas of wheat and
Indian corn. Little towns slid up and away. Large
towns rolled forward, and were left behind. Ponds,
marshes, brooks, pastures, thickets and great gloomy
groves flowed past as on a river. But the same
stars and the moon seemed to accompany the train.
If the flying witness had been less heavy of heart, he
would have found the reeling scene full of grace and
night beauty. But he could not see any charm in all
the world, except his tantalizing other self, from
whom a great chasm seemed to divide him, though
she was only two windows away.
He had not yet fallen asleep, and he was still pon-
dering how to attain his unmarried, unmarriable
bride, when the train rolled out in air above a great
GOOD NIGHT, ALL! 121
wide river, very noble under the stars. He knew
it for the Mississippi. He heard a faint knocking
on a door at the other end of the car. He heard
sounds as of kisses, and then somebody tiptoed
along the aisle stealthily. He did not know that
another bridegroom was being separated from his
bride because they were too much married.
Somewhere in Iowa he fell asleep.
CHAPTER XVII
LAST CALL FOR BREAKFAST
IT was still Iowa when Mallory awoke. Into his
last moments of heavy sleep intruded a voice like a
town-crier's voice, crying :
"Lass call for breakfuss in the Rining Rar," and
then, again louder, "Lass call for breakfuss in Rinin-
rar," and, finally and faintly, "Lasscall breakfuss
ri'rar."
Mallory pushed up his window shade. The day
was broad on rolling prairies like billows established
in the green soil. He peeked through his curtains.
Most of the other passengers were up and about,
their beds hidden and beddings stowed away behind
the bellying veneer of the upperworks of the car.
All the berths were made up except his own and
number two, in the corner, where Little Jimmie Wel-
lington's nose still played a bagpipe monody, and one
other berth, which he recognized as Marjorie's.
His belated sleep and hers had spared them both
the stares and laughing chatter of the passengers.
But this bridal couple's two berths, standing like
towers among the seats had provided conversation
122
LAST CALL FOR BREAKFAST 123
for everybody, had already united the casual group
of strangers into an organized gossip-bee.
Mallory got into his shoes and as much of his
clothes as was necessary for the dash to the wash-
room, and took on his arm the rest of his wardrobe.
Just as he issued from his lonely chamber, Mar-
jorie appeared from hers, much disheveled and
heavy-eyed. The bride and groom exchanged
glances of mutual terror, and hurried in opposite
directions.
The spickest and spannest of lieutenants soon real-
ized that he was reduced to wearing yesterday's linen
as well as yesterday's beard. This was intolerable.
A brave man can endure heartbreaks, loss of love,
honor and place, but a neat man cannot abide the
traces of time in his toilet. Lieutenant Mallory had
seen rough service in camp and on long hikes, when
he gloried in mud and disorder, and he was to see
campaigns in the Philippines, when he should not
take off his shoes or his uniform for three days at
a time. But that was the field, and this car was
a drawing room.
In this crisis in his affairs, Little Jimmie Welling-
ton waddled into the men's room, floundering about
with every lurch of the train, like a cannon loose in
the hold of a ship. He fumbled with the handles
on a basin, and made a crazy toilet, trying to find
some abatement of his fever by filling a glass at the
ice-water tank and emptying it over his head.
124 EXCUSE ME!
These drastic measures restored him to some sort
of coherency, and Mallory appealed to him for help
in the matter of linen. Wellington effusively offered
him everything he had, and Mallory selected from
his store half a dozen collars, any one of which
would have gone round his neck nearly twice.
Wellington also proffered his safety razor, and
made him a present of a virgin wafer of steel for
his very own.
With this assistance, Mallory was enabled to
make himself fairly presentable. When he returned
to his seat, the three curtained rooms had been
whisked away by the porter. There was no place
now to hide from the passengers.
He sat down facing the feminine end of the car,
watching for Marjorie. The passengers were watch-
ing for her, too, hoping to learn what unheard-of
incident could have provoked the quarrel that sep-
arated a bride and groom at this time, of all times.
To the general bewilderment, when Marjorie
appeared, Mallory and she rushed together and
clasped hands with an ardor that suggested a desire
for even more ardent greeting. The passengers al-
most sprained their ears to hear how they would
make up such a dreadful feud. But all they heard
was: "We'll have to hurry, Marjorie, if we want
to get any breakfast."
"All right, honey. Come along."
Then the inscrutable couple scurried up the aisle,
LAST CALL FOR BREAKFAST 125
and disappeared in the corridor, leaving behind them
a mighty riddle. They kissed in the corridor of that
car, kissed in the vestibule, kissed in the two corri-
dors of the next car, and were caught kissing in the
next vestibule by the new conductor.
The dining car conductor, who flattered himself
that he knew a bride and groom when he saw them,
escorted them grandly to a table for two; and the
waiter fluttered about them with extraordinary con-
sideration.
They had a plenty to talk of in prospect and retro-
spect. They both felt sure that a minister lurked
among the cars somewhere, and they ate with a
zest to prepare for the ceremony, arguing the best
place for it, and quarreling amorously over details.
Mallory was for one of the vestibules as the scene
of their union, but Marjorie was for the baggage
car, till she realized that Snoozleums might be unwil-
ling to. attend. Then she swung round to the vesti-
bule, but Mallory shifted to the observation plat-
form.
Marjorie had left Snoozleums with Mrs. Temple,
who promised to hide him when the new conductor
passed through the car, and she reminded Harry
to get the waiter to bring them a package of bones
for their only "child," so far.
On the way back from the dining car they kissed
each other good-bye again at all the trysting places
they had sanctified before. The sun was radiant, the
126 EXCUSE ME!
world good, and the very train ran with jubilant
rejoicing. They could not doubt that a few more
hours would see them legally man and wife.
Mallo'y restored Marjorie to her place in their
car, and with smiles of assurance, left her for an-
other parson-hunt through the train. She waited
for him in a bridal agitation. He ransacked the
train forward in vain, and returned, passing Mar-
jorie with a shake of the head and a dour counte-
nance. He went out to the observation platform,
where he stumbled on Ira Lathrop and Anne Gat-
tie, engaged in a conversation of evident intimacy,
for they jumped when he opened the door, as if they
were guilty of some plot.
Mallory mumbled his usual, "Excuse me,"
whirled on his heel, and dragged his discouraged
steps back through the Observation Room, where
various women and a few men of evident unclerical-
ity were draped across arm chairs and absorbed in
lazy conversation or bobbing their heads over maga-
zines that trembled with the motion of the train.
Mrs. Wellington was busily writing at the desk,
but he did not know who she was, and he did not
care whom she was writing to. He did not observe
the baleful glare of Mrs. Whitcomb, who sat watch-
ing Mrs. Wellington, knowing all too well who she
was, and suspecting the correspondent — Mrs. Whit-
comb was tempted to spell the word with one "r."
Mallory stumbled into the men's portion of the
LAST CALL FOR BREAKFAST 127
composite car. Here he nodded with a sickly cheer
to the sole occupant, Dr. Temple, who was looking
less ministerial than ever in an embroidered skull
cap. The old rascal was sitting far back on his lum-
bar vertebras. One of his hands clasped a long glass
filled with a liquid of a hue that resembled something
stronger than what it was — mere ginger ale. The
other hand toyed with a long black cigar. The
smoke curled round the old man's head like the
fumes of a sultan's narghile, and through the wisps
his face was one of Oriental luxury.
Mallory's eyes were caught from this picture of
beatitude by the entrance, at the other door, of a
man who had evidently swung aboard at the most
recent stop — for Mallory had not seen him. His
gray hair was crowned with a soft black hat, and
his spare frame was swathed in a frock coat that
had seen better days. His soft gray eyes seemed
to search timidly the smoke-clouded atmosphere, and
he had a bashful air which Mallory translated as
one of diffidence in a place where liquors and cigars
were dispensed.
With equal diffidence Mallory advanced, and in
a low tone accosted the newcomer cautiously:
"Excuse me — you look like a clergyman. "
"The hell you say!"
Mallory pursued the question no further.
CHAPTER XVIII
IN THE COMPOSITE CAR
IT was the gentle stranger's turn to miss his guess.
He bent over the chair into which Mallory had
flopped, and said in a tense, low tone: "You look
like a thoroughbred sport. I'm trying to make up
a game of stud poker. Will you join me?"
Mallory shook his heavy head in refusal, and with
dull eyes watched the man, whose profession he no
longer misunderstood, saunter up to the blissful Doc-
tor from Ypsilanti, and murmur again:
"Will you join me?"
"Join you in what, sir?" said Dr. Temple, with
alert courtesy.
"A little game."
"I don't mind," the doctor smiled, rising with
amiable readiness. "The checkers are in the next
room."
"Quit your kiddin'," the stranger coughed. "How
about a little freeze-out?"
"Freeze-out?" said Dr. Temple. "It sounds in-
teresting. Is it something like authors?"
The newcomer shot a quick glance at this man,
whose innocent air he suspected. But he merely
drawled: "Well, you play it with cards."
128
IN THE COMPOSITE CAR 129
"Would you mind teaching me the rules?" said
the old sport from Ypsilanti.
The gambler was growing suspicious of this too,
too childlike innocence. He whined: "Say, what's
your little game, eh?" but decided to risk the ven-
ture. He sat down at a table, and Dr. Temple,
bringing along his glass, drew up a chair. The
gambler took a pack of cards from his pocket, and
shuffled them with a snap that startled Dr. Temple
and a dexterity that delighted him.
"Go on, it's beautiful to see," he exclaimed. The
gambler set the pack down with the one word "Cut !"
but since the old man made no effort to comply, the
gambler did not insist. He took up the pack again
and ran off five cards to each place with a grace
that staggered the doctor.
Mallory was about to intervene for the protection
of the guileless physician when the conductor
chanced to saunter in.
The gambler, seeing him, snatched Dr. Temple's
cards from his hand and slipped the pack into his
pocket.
"What's the matter now?" Dr. Temple asked, but
the newcomer huskily answered: "Wait a minute.
Wait a minute."
The conductor took in the scene at a glance and,
stalking up to the table, spoke with the grimness of
a sea-captain: "Say, I've got my eye on you. Don't
start nothin1."
130 EXCUSE ME!
The stranger stared at him wonderingly and de-
manded: "Why, what you drivin' at?"
"You know all right," the conductor growled, and
then turned on the befuddled old clergyman, "and
you, too."
"Me, too?" the preacher gasped.
"Yes, you, too," the conductor repeated, shaking
an accusing forefinger under his nose. "Your ac-
tions have been suspicious from the beginning.
We've all been watching you."
Dr. Temple was so agitated that he nearly let
fall his secret. "Why, do you realize that I'm
"Ah, don't start that," sneered the conductor, "I
can spot a gambler as far as I can see one. You
and your side partner here want to look out, that's
all, or I'll drop you at the next tank." Then he
walked out, his very shoulder blades uttering
threats.
Dr. Temple stared after him, but the gambler
stared at Dr. Temple with a mingling of accusation
and of homage. "So you're one of us," he said, and
seizing the old man's limp hand, shook it heartily: "I
got to slip it to you. Your make-up is great. You
nearly had me for a come-on. Great!"
And then he sauntered out, leaving the clergy-
man's head swimming. Dr. Temple turned to Mai-
lory for explanations, but Mallory only waved him
away. He was not quite convinced himself. He
IN THE COMPOSITE CAR 131
was convinced only that whatever else anybody
might be, nobody apparently desired to be a clergy-
man in these degenerate days.
The conductor returned and threw into Dr.
Temple the glare of two basilisk eyes. The old man
put out a beseeching hand and began:
"My good man, you do me a grave injustice."
The conductor snapped back: "You say a word
to me and I'll do you worse than that. And if I
spot you with a pack of cards in your hand again,
I'll tie you to the cow-ketcher."
Then he marched off again. The doctor fell back
into a chair, trying to figure it out. Then Ashton
and Fosdick and little Jimmie Wellington and
Wedgewood strolled in and, dropping into chairs,
ordered drinks. Before the doctor could ask any-
body to explain, Aahton was launched on a story.
Kis mind was a suitcase full of anecdotes, mostly
of the smoking-room order.
Wherever three or four men are gathered to-
gether, they rapidly organize a clearing-house of
off-color stories. The doctor listened in spite of
himself, and in spite of himself he was amused, for
stories that would be stupid if they were decent, take
on a certain verve and thrill from their very for-
biddenness.
The dear old clergyman felt that it would be
priggish to take flight, but he could not make the
corners of his mouth behave. Strange twitchings
132 EXCUSE ME!
of the lips and little steamy escapes of giggle-jets
disturbed him. And when Ashton, who was a prac-
ticed raconteur, finished a drolatic adventure with
the epilogue, "And the next morning they were at
Niagara Falls," the old doctor was helpless with
laughter. Some superior force, a devil no doubt,
fairly shook him with glee.
"Oh, that's bully," he shrieked, "I haven't heard
a story like that for ages."
"Why, where have you been, Dr. Temple?" asked
Ashton, who could not imagine where a man could
have concealed himself from such stories. But he
laughed loudest of all when the doctor answered:
"You see, I live in Ypsilanti. They don't tell me
stories like that."
"They — who?" said Fosdick.
"Why, my pa — my patients," the doctor explained,
and laughed so hard that he forgot to feel guilty,
laughed so hard that his wife in the next room
heard him and giggled to Mrs. Whitcomb:
"Listen to dear Walter. He hasn't laughed like
that since he was a — a medical student." Then she
buried her face guiltily in a book.
"Wasn't it good?" Dr. Temple demanded, wiping
his streaming eyes and nudging the solemn-faced
Englishman, who understood his own nation's hu-
mor, but had not yet learned the Yankee quirks.
Wedgewood made a hollow effort at laughter and
answered: "Extremely — very droll, but what I
IN THE COMPOSITE CAR 133
don't quite get was — why the porter said " The
others drowned him in a roar of laughter, but Ash-
ton was angry. "Why, you blamed fool, that's
where the joke came in. Don't you see, the bride-
groom said to the bride " then he lowered his
voice and diagrammed the story on his fingers.
Mrs. Temple was still shaking with sympathetic
laughter, never dreaming what her husband was
laughing at. She turned to Mrs. Whitcomb, but
Mrs. Whitcomb was still glaring at Mrs. Welling-
ton, who was still writing with flying fingers and
underscoring every other word.
"Some people seem to think they own the train,"
Mrs. Whitcomb raged. "That creature has been at
the writing desk an hour. The worst of it is, I'm
sure she's writing to my husband."
Mrs. Temple looked shocked, but another peal
of laughter came through the partition between the
male and female sections of the car, and she beamed
again. Then Mrs. Wellington finished her letter,
glanced it over, addressed an envelope, sealed and
stamped it with a deliberation that maddened Mrs.
Whitcomb. When at last she rose, Mrs. Whitcomb
was in the seat almost before Mrs. Wellington was
out of it.
Mrs. Wellington paused at another wave of
laughter from the men's room. She commented
petulantly:
"What good times men have. They've formed
134 EXCUSE ME!
a club in there already. We women can only sit
around and hate each other."
"Why, I don't hate anybody, do you?" Mrs.
Temple exclaimed, looking up from the novel she
had found on the book shelves. Mrs. Wellington
dropped into the next chair:
"On a long railroad journey I hate everybody.
Don't you hate long journeys?"
"It's the first I ever took," Mrs. Temple apolo-
gized, radiantly, "And I'm having the — what my
oldest boy would call the time of my life. And
dear Walter — such goings on for him ! A few min-
utes ago I strolled by the door and I saw him play-
ing cards with a stranger, and smoking and drink-
ing, too, all at once."
"Boys will be boys," said Mrs. Wellington.
"But for Dr. Temple of all people "
"Why shouldn't a doctor? It's a shame the way
men have everything. Think of it, a special smok-
ing room. And women have no place to take a puf
except on the sly."
Mrs. Temple stared at her in awe: "The woman
in this book smokes! — perfumed things!"
"All women smoke nowadays," said Mrs. Wel-
lington, carelessly. "Don't you?"
The politest thing Mrs. Temple could think of
in answer was : "Not yet."
"Really!" said Mrs. Wellington, "Don't you like
tobacco ?"
IN THE COMPOSITE CAR 13*
"I never tried it."
"It's time you did. I smoke cigars myself."
Mrs. Temple almost collapsed at this double
shock: "Ci— cigars?"
"Yes; cigarettes are too strong for me; will you
try one of my pets?"
Mrs. Temple was about to express her repugnance
at the thought, but Mrs. Wellington thrust before
her a portfolio in which nestled such dainty shapes
of such a warm and winsome brown, that Mrs.
Temple paused to stare, and, like Mother Eve,
found the fruit of knowledge too interesting once
seen to reject with scorn. She hung over the cigar
case in hesitant excitement one moment too long.
Then she said in a trembling voice: "I — I should
like to try once — just to see what it's like. But
there's no place."
Mrs. Wellington felt that she had already made
a proselyte to her own beloved vice, and she rushed
her victim to the precipice: "There's the observa-
tion platform, my dear. Come on out."
Mrs. Temple was shivering with dismay at the
dreadful deed: "What would they say in Ypsi-
lanti?"
"What do you care? Be a sport. Your husband
smokes. If it's right for him, why not for you?"
Mrs. Temple set her teeth and crossed the Rubi-
con with a resolute "I will !"
Mrs. Wellington led the timid neophyte along
136 EXCUSE ME!
the wavering floor of the car and flung back the door
of the observation car. She found Ira Lathrop
holding Anne Cattle's hand and evidently explain-
ing something of great importance, for their heads
were 'close together. They rose and with abashed
faces and confused mumblings of half swallowed
explanations, left the platform to Mrs. Wellington
and her new pupil.
Shortly afterward Little Jimmie Wellington grew
restive and set out for a brief constitutional and a
breath of air. He carried a siphon to which he had
become greatly attached, and made heavy going of
the observation room, but reached the door in
fairly good order. He swung it open and brought
in with it the pale and wavering ghost of Mrs.
Temple, who had been leaning against it for much-
needed support. Wellington was stupefied to ob-
serve smoke pouring round Mrs. Temple's form,
and he resolved to perform a great life-saving feat.
He decided that the poor little woman was on fire
and he poised the siphon like a fire extinguisher,
with the noble intention of putting her out.
He pressed the handle, and a stream of vichy shot
from the nozzle.
Fortunately, his aim was so very wobbly that none
of the extinguisher touched Mrs. Temple.
Wellington was about to play the siphon at her
again when he saw her take from her lips a toy
cigar and emit a stream of cough-shaken smoke.
IN THE COMPOSITE CAR 137
The poor little experimentalist was too wretched to
notice even so large a menace as Wellington. She
threw the cigar away and gasped:
"I think I've had enough."
From the platform came a voice verv well known
to Little Jimmie. It said: "You'll like the second
one better."
Mrs. Temple shuddered at the thought, but Wel-
lington drew himself up majestically and called
out:
"Like second one better, eh? I suppozhe it's the
same way with husbandsh."
Then he stalked back to the smoking room, feel-
ing that he had annihilated his wife, but knowing
from experience that she always had a come-back.
He knew it would be good, but he was afraid to
hear it. He rolled into the smoking room, and
sprawling across Doctor Temple's shoulders,
dragged him from the midst of a highly improper
story with alarming news.
"Doc., your wife looks kind o' seedy. Better go
to her at once."
Dr. Temple leaped to his feet and ran to his
wife's aid. He found her a dismal, ashen sight.
"Sally! What on earth ails you?"
"Been smok-oking," she hiccoughed.
The world seemed to be crashing round Dr.
Temple's head. He could only gurgle, "Sally!"
Mrs. Temple drew herself up with weak defi-
138 EXCUSE ME!
ance: "Well, I saw you playing cards and drink-
ing."
In the presence of such innocent deviltry he could
only smile: "Aren't we having an exciting vaca-
tion? But to think of you smoking! — and a cigar!"
. She tossed her head in pride. "And it didn't
make me sick — much." She clutched a chair. He
tried to support her. He could not help pondering:
"What would they say in Yp-hip-silanti ?"
"Who cares?" she laughed. "I— I wish the old
train wouldn't rock so."
"I — I've smoked too much, too," said Dr. Temple
with perfect truth, but Mrs. Temple, remembering
that long glass she had seen, narrowed her eyes at
him: "Are you sure it was the smoke?"
"Sally!" he cried, in abject horror at her implied
suspicion.
Then she turned a pale green. "Oh, I feel such
a qualm."
"In your conscience, Sally?"
"No, not in my conscience. I think I'll go back
to my berth and lie down."
"Let me help you, Mother."
And Darby and Joan hurried along the corridor,
crowding it as they were crowding their vacation
with belated experience.
CHAPTER XIX
FOILED!
IT was late in the forenoon before the train came
to the end of its iron furrow across that fertile
space between two of the world's greatest rivers,
which the Indians called "Iowa," nobody knows ex-
actly why. In contrast with the palisades of the
Mississippi, the Missouri twists like a great brown
dragon wallowing in congenial mud. The water it-
self, as Bob Brudette said, is so muddy that the
wind blowing across it raises a cloud of dust.
A sonorous bridge led the way into Nebraska,
and the train came to a halt at Omaha. Mallory
and Marjorie got out to stretch their legs and their
dog. If they had only known that the train was
to stop there the quarter of an hour, and if they
had only known some preacher there and had had
him to the station, the ceremony could have been
consummated then and there.
The horizon was fairly saw-toothed with church
spires. There were preachers, preachers every-
where, and not a dominie to do their deed.
After they had strolled up and down the platform,
139
140 EXCUSE ME!
and up and down, and up and down till they were
fain of their cramped quarters again, Marjorie sud-
denly dug her nails into Mallory's arm.
"Honey! look!— look!"
Honey looked, and there before their very eyes
stood as clerical a looking person as ever announced
a strawberry festival.
Mallory stared and stared, till Marjorie said:
"Don't you see? stupid! it's a preacher! a
preacher!"
"It looks like one," was as far as Mallory would
commit himself, and he was turning away. He
had about come to the belief that anything that
looked like a parson was something else. But Mar-
jorie whirled him round again, with a shrill whisper
to listen. And he overheard in tones addicted to
the pulpit:
"Yes, deacon, I trust that the harvest will be
plentiful at my new church. It grieves me to leave
the dear brothers and sisters in the Lord in Omaha,
but I felt called to wider pastures."
And a lady who was evidently Mrs. Deacon
spoke up:
"We'll miss you terrible. We all say you are the
best pastor our church ever had."
Mallory prepared to spring on his prey and drag
him to his lair, but Marjorie held him back.
"He's taking our train, Lord bless his dear old
soul."
FOILED! 141
And Mallory could have hugged him. But he
kept close watch. To the rapture of the wedding-
hungry twain, the preacher shook hands with such
of his flock as had followed him to the station,
picked up his valise and walked up to the porter,
extending his ticket.
But the porter said — and Mallory could have
throttled him for saying it:
" 'Scuse me, posson, but that's yo' train ova
yonda. You betta move right smaht, for it's gettin'
ready to pull out."
With a little shriek of dismay, the parson clutched
his valise and set off at a run. Mallory dashed after
him and Marjorie after Mallory. They shouted as
they ran, but the conductor of the east-bound train
sang out "All aboard!" and swung on.
The parson made a sprint and caught the ultimate
rail of the moving train. Mallory made a frantic
leap at a flying coat-tail and missed. As he and
Marjorie stood gazing reproachfully at the train
which was giving a beautiful illustration of the laws
of retreating perspective, they heard wild howls of
"Hi! hi!" and "Hay! hay!" and turned to see their
own train in motion, and the porter dancing a Zulu
step alongside.
CHAPTER XX
FOILED AGAIN
MALLORY tucked Marjorie under his arm and
IWarjorie tucked Snoozleums under hers, and they did
a sort of three-legged race down the platform. The
porter was pale blue with excitement, and it was
with the last gasp of breath in all three bodies that
they scrambled up the steps of the only open vesti-
bule.
The porter was mad enough to give them a piece
of his mind, and they were meek enough to take
it without a word of explanation or resentment.
And the train sped on into the heart of Nebraska,
along the unpoetic valley of the Platte. When lunch-
time came, they ate it together, but in gloomy silence.
They sat in Marjorie's berth throughout the appal-
lingly monotonous afternoon in a stupor of disap-
pointment and helpless dejection, speaking little and
saying nothing then.
Whenever the train stopped, Mallory watched the
on-getting passengers with his keenest eye. He had
a theory that since most people who looked like
preachers were decidedly lay, it might be well to take
142
FOILED AGAIN! 143
a gambler's chance and accost the least ministerial
person next.
So, in his frantic anxiety, he selected a horsey-
looking individual who got on at North Platte. He
looked so much like a rawhided ranchman that Mai-
lory stole up on him and asked him to excuse him,
but did he happen to be a clergyman? The man
replied by asking Mallory if he happened to be a
flea-bitten maverick, and embellished his question
with a copious flow of the words ministers use, but
with a secular arrangement of them. In fact he
split one word in two to insert a double-barrelled
curse. All that Mallory could do was to admit
that he was a flea-bitten what-he-said, and back
away.
After that, if a vicar in full uniform had marched
down the aisle heading a procession of choir-boys,
Mallory would have suspected him. He vowed in
his haste that Marjorie might die an old maid be-
fore he would approach anybody else on that sub-
ject.
Nebraska would have been a nice long state for a
honeymoon, but its four hundred-odd miles were
a dreary length for the couple so near and yet so
far. The railroad clinging to the meandering Platte
made the way far longer, and Mallory and Marjorie
felt like Pyramus and Thisbe wandering along an
eternal wall, through which they could see, but not
reach, one another.
144 EXCUSE ME!
They dined together as dolefully as if they had
been married for forty years. Then the slow twi-
light soaked them in its melancholy. The porter
lighted up the car, and the angels lighted up the
stars, but nothing lighted up their hopes.
"We've got to quarrel again, my beloved," Mai-
lory groaned to Marjorie.
Somehow they were too dreary even to nag one
another with an outburst for the benefit of the eager-
eyed passengers.
A little excitement bestirred them as they realized
that they were confronted with another night-robe-
less night and a morrow without change of gear.
"What a pity that we left our things in the taxi-
cab," Marjorie sighed. And this time she said, "we
left them," instead of "you left them." It was
very gracious of her, but Mallory did not acknowl-
edge the courtesy. Instead he gave a start and a
gasp:
"Good Lord, Marjorie, we never paid the second
taxicab !"
"Great heavens, how shall we ever pay him? He's
been waiting there twenty-four hours. How much
do you suppose we owe him?"
"About a year of my pay, I guess."
"You must send him a telegram of apology and
ask him to read his meter. He was such a nice man
— the kindest eyes — for a chauffeur."
"But how can I telegraph him? I don't know
FOILED AGAIN! 145
his name, or his number, or his company, or any-
thing."
"It's too bad. He'll go through life hating us
and thinking we cheated him."
"Well, he doesn't know our names either."
And then they forgot him temporarily for the
more immediate need of clothes. All the passengers
knew that they had left behind what baggage they
had not sent ahead, and much sympathy had been
expressed. But most people would rather give you
their sympathy than lend you their clothes. Mallory
did not mind the men, but Marjorie dreaded the
women. She was afraid of all of them but Mrs.
Temple.
She threw herself on the little lady's mercy and
was asked to help herself. She borrowed a night-
gown of extraordinary simplicity, a shirt waist of an
ancient mode, and a number of other things.
If there had been anyone there to see she would
have made a most anachronistic bride.
Mallory canvassed the men and obtained a shock-
ingly purple shirt from Wedgewood, who meant to
put him at his ease, but somehow failed when he
said in answer to Mallory's thanks :
"God bless my soul, old top, don't you think of
thanking me. I ought to thank you. You see, the
idiot who makes my shirts, made that by mistake,
and IM be no end grateful if you'd jolly well take
the loathsome thing off my hands. I mean to say,
146 EXCUSE ME!
I shouldn't dream of being seen in it myself. You
quite understand, don't you?"
Ashton contributed a maroon atrocity in hosiery,
with equal tact:
"If they fit you, keep 'em. I got stung on that
batch of socks. That pair was originally lavender,
but they washed like that. Keep 'em. I wouldn't
be found dead in 'em."
The mysterious Fosdick, who lived a lonely life
in the Observation car and slept in the other sleeper,
lent Mallory a pair of pyjamas evidently intended
for a bridegroom of romantic disposition. Mallory
blushed as he accepted them and when he found
himself in them, he whisked out the light, he was
so ashamed of himself.
Once more the whole car gaped at the unheard of
behavior of its newly wedded pair. The poor porter
had been hungry for a bridal couple, but as he went
about gathering up the cast-off footwear of his large
family and found Mallory's big shoes at number
three and Marjorie's tiny boots at number five, he
shook his head and groaned.
"Times has suttainly changed for the wuss. If
this is a bridal couple, gimme divorcees."
CHAPTER XXI
MATRIMONY TO AND FRO
AND the next morning they were in Wyoming —
well toward the center of that State. They had
left behind the tame levels and the truly rural towns
and they were among foothills and mountains, pass-
ing cities of wildly picturesque repute, like Chey-
enne, and Laramie, Bowie, and Medicine Bow, and
Bitter Creek, whose very names imply literature and
war whoops, cow-boy yelps, barking revolvers, an-
other redskin biting the dust, cattle stampedes, town-
paintings, humorous lynchings and bronchos in epi-
leptic frenzy.
But the talk of this train was concerned with none
of these wonders, which the novelists and the maga-
zinist have perhaps a trifle overpublished. The talk
of this train was concerned with the eighth wonder
of the world, a semi-detached bridal couple.
Mrs. Whitcomb was eager enough to voice the
sentiment of the whole populace, when she looked
up from her novel in the observation room and,
nudging Mrs. Temple, drawled: "By the way, my
dear, has that bridal couple made up its second
night's quarrel yet?"
147
148 EXCUSE ME!
"The Mallorys?" Mrs. Temple flushed as she
answered, mercifully. "Oh, yes, they were very
friendly again this morning."
Mrs. Whitcomb's countenance was cynical: "My
dear, I've been married twice and I ought to know
something about honeymoons, but this honeyless
honeymoon " she cast up her eyes and her hands
in despair.
The women were so concerned about Mr. and
"Mrs." Mallory, that they hardly noticed the un-
comfortable plight of the Wellingtons, or the
curious behavior of the lady from the stateroom who
seemed to be afraid of something and never spoke
to anybody. The strange behavior of Anne Gattle
and Ira Lathrop even escaped much comment,
though they were forever being stumbled on when
anybody went out to the observation platform.
When they were dislodged from there, they sat play-
ing checkers and talking very little, but making eyes
at one another and sighing like furnaces.
They had evidently concocted some secret of their
own, for Ira, looking at his watch, murmured senti-
mentally to Anne: "Only a few hours more, An-
nie."
And Anne turned geranium-color and dropped a
handful of checkers. "I don't know how I can
face it."
Ira groy/led like a lovesick lion: "Aw, what do
you care?"
MATRIMONY TO AND FRO 149
"But I was never married before, Ira," Anne
protested, "and on a train, too."
"Why, all the bridal couples take to the rail-
roads."
"I should think it would be the last place they'd
go," said Anne — a sensible woman, Anne! "Look
at the Mallories — how miserable they are."
"I thought they were happy," said Ira, whose
great virtue it was to pay little heed to what was
none of his business.
"Oh, Ira," cried Anne, "I hope we shan't begin
to quarrel as soon as we are married."
"As if anybody could quarrel with you, Anne,"
he said.
"Do you think I'll be so monotonous as that?"
she retorted.
Her spunk delighted him beyond words. He
whispered: "Anne, you're so gol-darned sweet if
I don't get a chance to kiss you, I'll bust."
"Why, Ira — we're on the train."
"Da — darn the train! Who ever heard of a fel-
low proposing and getting engaged to a girl and not
even kissing her."
"But our engagement is so short."
"Well, I'm not going to marry you till I get a
kiss."
Perhaps innocent old Anne really believed this
blood-curdling threat. It brought her instantly to
150 EXCUSE ME!
terms, though she blushed: "But everybody's always
looking."
"Come out on the observation platform."
"Oh, Ira, again?"
"I dare you."
"I take you — but" seeing that Mrs. Whitcomb
was trying to overhear, she whispered: "let's pre-
tend it's the scenery."
So Ira rose, pushed the checkers aside, and said
in an unusually positive tone: "Ah, Miss Gattle,
won't you have a look at the landscape?"
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Lathrop," said Anne, "I
just love scenery."
They wandered forth like the Sleeping Beauty
and her princely awakener, and never dreamed what
gigglings and nudgings and wise head-noddings
went on back of them. Mrs. Wellington laughed
loudest of all at the lovers whose heads had grown
gray while their hearts were still so green.
It was shortly after this that the Wellingtons
themselves came into prominence in the train life.
As the train approached Green River, and its
copper-basined stream, the engineer began to set the
air-brakes for the stop. Jimmie Wellington, boozily
half-awake in the smoking room, wanted to know
what the name of the station was. Everybody is
always eager to oblige a drunken man, so Ashton
and Fosdick tried to get a window open to look
out.
MATRIMONY TO AND FRO 151
The first one they labored at, they could not
budge after a biceps-breaking tug. The second flew
up with such ease that they went over backward.
Ashton put his head out and announced that the
approaching depot was labelled "Green River."
VvTellington burbled: "What a beautiful name for a
shtation."
Ashton announced that there was something beau-
tifuller still on the platform — "Oh, a peach! — a
nectarine ! and she's getting on this train."
Even Doctor Temple declared that she was a
dear little thing, wasn't she?
Wellington pushed him aside, saying: "Stand
back, Doc., and let me see; I have a keen sense of
beau'ful."
"Be careful," cried the doctor, "he'll fall out of
the window."
"Not out of that window," Ashton sagely ob-
served, seeing the bulk of Wellington. As the train
started off again, Little Jimmie distributed alco-
holic smiles to the Green Riverers on the platform
and called out:
"Goo'bye, ever'body. You're all abslootly — ow!
ow!" He clapped his hand to his eye and crawled
back into the car, groaning with pain.
"What's the matter," said Wedgewood. "Got
something in your eye?"
"No, you blamed fool. I'm trying to look through
my thumb."
152 EXCUSE ME!
"Poor fellow!" sympathized Doctor Temple, "it's
a cinder!"
"A cinder! It's at leasht a ton of coal."
"I say, old boy, let me have a peek," said Wedge-
wood, screwing in his monocle and peering into the
depths of Wellington's eye. "I can't see a bally
thing."
"Of course not, with that blinder on," growled
the miserable wretch, weeping in spite of himself
and rubbing his smarting orb.
"Don't rub that eye," Ashton counselled, "rub
the other eye."
"It's my eye; I'll rub it if I want to. Get me a
doctor, somebody. I'm dying."
"Here's Doctor Temple," said Ashton, "right
on the job." Wellington turned to the old clergy-
man with pathetic trust, and the deceiver writhed
in his disguise. The best he could think of was:
"Will somebody lend me a lead pencil?"
"What for?" said Wellington, uneasily.
"I am going to roll your upper lid up on it," said
the Doctor.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the patient. "You can
roll your own lids!"
Then the conductor, still another conductor, wan-
dered on the scene and asked as if it were not a
world-important matter: "What's the matter —
pick up a cinder?"
MATRIMONY TO AND FRO 153
"Yes. Perhaps you can get it out," the alleged
doctor appealed.
The conductor nodded : "The best way is this —
take hold of the winkers.
"The what?" mumbled Wellington.
"Grab the winkers of your upper eyelid in your
right hand "
"I've got 'em."
"Now grab the winkers of your lower eyelid in
your left hand. Now raise the right hand, push the
under lid under the overlid and haul the overlid
over the underlid; when you have the overlid well
over the under "
Wellington waved him away: "Say, what do you
think I'm trying to do? stuff a mattress? Get out
of my way. I want my wife — lead me to my wife."
"An excellent idea," said Dr. Temple, who had
been praying for a reconciliation.
He guided Wellington with difficulty to the ob-
servation room and, finding Mrs. Wellington at the
desk as usual, he began: "Oh, Mrs. Wellington,
may I introduce you to your husband?"
Mrs. Wellington rose haughtily, caught a sight
of her suffering consort and ran to him with a cry of
"Jimmie!"
"Lucretial"
"What's happened — are you killed?"
"I'm far from well. But don't worry. My life
insurance is paid up."
154 EXCUSE ME!
"Oh, my poor little darling," Mrs. Jimmie flut-
tered, "What on earth ails you?" She turned to
the doctor. "Is he going to die?"
"I think not," said the doctor. "It's only a bad
case of cinder-in-the-eyetis."
Thus reassured, Mrs. Wellington went into the
patient's eye with her handkerchief. "Is that the
eye?" she asked.
"No!" he howled, "the other one."
She went into that and came out with the cinder.
"There ! It's just a tiny speck."
Wellington regarded the mote with amazement.
"Is that all? It felt as if I had Pike's Peak in my
eye." Then he waxed tender. "Oh, Lucretia, how
can I ever "
But she drew away with a disdainful: "Give me
back my hand, please."
"Now, Lucretia," he protested, "don't you think
you're carrying this pretty far?"
"Only as far as Reno," she answered grimly,
which stung him to retort: "You'd better take the
beam out of your own eye, now that you've taken the
cinder out of mine," but she, noting that they were
the center of interest, observed: "All the passengers
are enjoying this, my dear. You'd better go back to
the cafe."
Wellington regarded her with a revulsion to
wrath. He thundered at her: "I will go back, but
allow me to inform you, my dear madam, that I'll
MATRIMONY TO AND FRO 155
not drink another drop — just to surprise you."
Mrs. Wellington shrugged her shoulders at this
ancient threat and Jimmie stumbled back to his lair,
whither the men followed him. Feeling sympathy
in the atmosphere, Little Jimmie felt impelled to
pour out his grief:
"Jellmen, I'm a brok'n-heartless man. Mrs.
WellVton is a queen among women, but she has tem-
per of tarant "
Wedgewood broke in: "I say, old boy, you've
carried this ballast for three days now, wherever
did you get it?"
Wellington drew himself up proudly for a mo-
ment before he slumped back into himself. "Well,
you see, when I announced to a few friends that I
was about to leave Mrs. Well'n'ton forever and
that I was going out to — to — you know."
"Reno. We know. Well?"
"Well, a crowd of my friends got up a farewell
sort of divorce breakfast — and some of 'em felt so
very sad about my divorce that they drank a little
too much, and the rest of my friends felt so very
glad about my divorce, that they drank a little too
much. And, of course, I had to join both parties."
"And that breakfast," said Ashton, "lasted till
the train started, eh?"
Wellington glowered back triumphantly. "Lasted
till the train started? Jellmen, that breakfast is
going yet!"
CHAPTER XXII
IN THE SMOKING ROOM
WELLINGTON'S divorce breakfast reminded Ash-
ton of a story. Ashton was one of the great That-
Reminds-Me family. Perhaps it was to the credit
of the Englishman that he missed the point of this
story, even though Jimmie Wellington saw it through
his fog, and Dr. Temple turned red and buried his
eyes in the eminently respectable pages of the Sci-
entific American.
Ashton and Wellington and Fosdick exchanged
winks over the Britisher's stare of incomprehension,
and Ashton explained it to him again in words of
one syllable, with signboards at all the difficult spots.
Finally a gleam of understanding broke over
Wedgewood's face and he tried to justify his delay.
"Oh, yes, of cawse I see it now. Yes, I rather
fancy I get you. It's awfully good, isn't it? I think
I should have got it before but I'm not really my-
self; for two mawnings I haven't had my tub."
Wellington shook with laughter: "If you're like
this now, what will you be when you get to Sin san
156
IN THE SMOKING ROOM 157
frasco — I mean Frinsansisco — well, you know what
I mean."
Ashton reached round for the electric button as
if he were conferring a favor: "The drinks are on
you, Wedgewood. I'll ring." And he rang.
"Awf'lly kind of you," said Wedgewood, "but
how do you make that out?"
"The man that misses the point, pays for the
drinks." And he rang again. Wellington protested.
"But I've jolly well paid for all the drinks for
two days."
Wellington roared : "That's another point you've
missed." And Ashton rang again, but the pale yel-
low individual who had always answered the bell
with alacrity did not appear. "Where's that in-
fernal buffet waiter?" Ashton grumbled.
Wedgewood began to titter. "We were out of
Scotch, so I sent him for some more."
"When?"
"Two stations back. I fancy jwe must have left
him behind."
"Well, why in thunder didn't you say so?" Ashton
roared.
"It quite escaped my mind," Wedgewood grinned.
"Rather good joke on you fellows, what?"
"Well, I don't see the point," Ashton growled,
but the triumphant Englishman howled: "That's
where you pay!"
Wedgewood had his laugh to himself, for the
158 EXCUSE ME!
others wanted to murder him. Ashton advised a
lynching, but the conductor arrived on the scene in
time to prevent violence.
Fosdick informed him of the irretrievable loss of
the useful buffet waiter. The conductor promised
to get another at Ogden.
Ashton wailed : "Have we got to sit here and die
of thirst till then?"
The conductor refused to "back up for a coon,"
but offered to send in a sleeping-car porter as a
temporary substitute.
As he started to go, Fosdick, who had been in-
cessantly consulting his watch, checked him to ask:
"Oh, conductor, when do we get to the State-line of
dear old Utah?"
"Dear old Utah !" the conductor grinned. " We'd
'a' been there already if we hadn't 'a' fell behind
a little."
"Just my luck to be late," Fosdick moaned.
"What you so anxious to be in Utah for, Fos-
dick?" Ashton asked, suspiciously. "You go on to
'Frisco, don't you?"
Fosdick was evidently confused at the direct ques-
tion. He tried to dodge it: "Yes, but — funny how
things have changed. When we started, nobody was
speaking to anybody except his wife, now "
"Now," said Ashton, drily, "everybody's speaking
to everybody except his wife."
"You're wrong there," Little Jimmie interrupted.
IN THE SMOKING ROOM 159
"I wasn't speaking to my wife in the first place. We
got on as strangersh and we're strangersh yet. Mrs.
Well'n'ton is a "
"A queen among women, we know! Dry up,"
said Ashton, and then they heard the querulous voice
of the porter of their sleeping car: "I tell you, I
don't know nothin' about the buffet business."
The conductor pushed him in with a gruff com-
mand: "Crawl in that cage and get busy."
Still the porter protested: "Mista Pullman en-
gaged me for a sleepin' car, not a drinkin' car. I'm
a berth-maker, not a mixer." He cast a resentful
glance through the window that served also as a
bar, and his whole tone changed: "Say, is you
goin' to allow me loose amongst all them beautiful
bottles? Say, man, if you do, I can't guarantee my
conduck."
"If you even sniff one of those bottles," the con-
ductor warned him, "I'll crack it over your head."
"That won't worry me none — as long as my
mouf's open." He smacked his chops over the pros-
pect of intimacy with that liquid treasury. "Lordy!
Well, I'll try to control my emotions — but remem-
ber, I don't guarantee nothin'."
The conductor started to go, but paused for final
instructions: "And remember — after we get to
Utah you can't serve any hard liquor at all."
"What's that? Don't they 'low nothin' in that
eld Utah but ice-cream soda?"
160 EXCUSE ME!
"That's about all. If you touch a drop, I'll leave
you in Utah for life."
"Oh, Lordy, I'll be good!"
The conductor left the excited black and went his
way. Ashton was the first to speak: "Say, Porter,
can you mix drinks?"
The porter ruminated, then confessed: "Well,
not on the outside, no, sir. If you-all is thirsty you
better order the simpelest things you can think of.
If you was to command anything fancy, Lord knows
what you'd get. Supposin' you was to say, 'Gimme
a Tom Collins.' I'd be just as liable as not to pass
you a Jack Johnson."
"Well, can you open beer?"
"Oh, I'm a natural born beer-opener."
"Rush it out then. My throat is as full of alkali
dust as these windows."
The porter soon appeared with a tray full of
cotton-topped glasses. The day was hot and the
alkali dust very oppressive, and the beer was cold.
Dr. Temple looked on it when it was amber, and
suffered himself to be bullied into taking a glass.
He felt that he was the greatest sinner on earth,
but worst of all was the fact that when he had fallen,
the forbidden brew was not sweet. He was inex-
perienced enough to sip it and it was like foaming
quinine on his palate. But he kept at it from sheer
shame, and his luxurious transgression was its own
punishment.
IN THE SMOKING ROOM 161
The doleful Mallory was on his way to join the
"club". Crossing the vestibule he had met the con-
ductor, and had ventured to quiz him along the old
lines:
"Excuse me, haven't you taken any clergymen on
board this train yet?"
"Devil a one."
"Don't you ever carry any preachers on this
road?"
"Usually we get one or two. Last trip we carried
a whole Methodist convention."
"A whole convention last trip ! Just my luck !"
The unenlightened conductor turned to call back:
"Say, up in the forward car we got a couple of un-
dertakers. They be of any use to you?"
"Not yet."
Then Mallory dawdled on into the smoking room,
where he found his own porter, who explained that
he had been "promoted to the bottlery."
"Do we come to a station stop soon?" Mallory
asked.
"Well, not for a considerable interval. Do you
want to get out and walk up and down?" |
"I don't," said Mallory, taking from under his
coat Snoozleums, whom he had smuggled past the
new conductor. "Meanwhile, Porter, could you give
him something to eat to distract him?"
The porter grinned, and picking up a bill of fare
held it out. "I got a meenuel. It ain't written in
162 EXCUSE ME!
dog, but you can explain it to him. What would yo*
canine desiah, sah?"
Snoozleums put out a paw and Mallory read what
it indicated: "He says he'd like a filet Chateau-
briand, but if you have any old bones, he'll take
those." The porter gathered Snoozleums in and
disappeared with him into the buffet, Mallory call-
ing after him: "Don't let the conductor see him."
Dr. Temple advanced on the disconsolate youth
with an effort at cheer: "How is our bridegroom
this beautiful afternoon?"
Mallory glanced at his costume: "I feel like a
rainbow gone wrong. Just my luck to have to bor-
row from everybody. Look at me ! This collar of
Mr. Wellington's makes me feel like a peanut in a
rubber tire." He turned to Fosdick.
"I say, Mr. Fosdick, what size collar do you
wear?"
"Fourteen and a half," said Fosdick.
"Fourteen and a half! — why don't you get a neck?
You haven't got a plain white shirt, have you? Our
English friend lent me this, but it's purple, and Mr.
Ashton's socks are maroon, and this peacock blue
tie is very unhappy."
"I think I can fit you out," said Fosdick.
"And if you had an extra pair of socks," Mallory
pleaded, — "just one pair of unemotional socks."
"I'll show you my repertoire."
"All right, I'll see you later." Then he went up
IN THE SMOKING ROOM 163
to Wellington, with much hesitance of manner. "By
the way, Mr. Wellington, do you suppose Mrs. Wel-
lington could lend Miss — Mrs. — could lend Mar-
jorie some — some "
Wellington waved him aside with magnificent
scorn: "I am no longer in Mrs. Wellington's con-
fidence."
"Oh, excuse me," said Mallory. He had noted
that the Wellingtons occupied separate compart-
ments, but for all he knew their reason was as ro-
mantic as his own.
CHAPTER XXIII
THROUGH A TUNNEL
MRS. JIMMIE WELLINGTON, who had traveled
much abroad and learned in England the habit of
smoking in the corridors of expensive hotels, had
acquired also the habit, as travelers do, of calling
England freer than America. She determined to do
her share toward the education of her native coun-
try, and chose, for her topic, tobacco as a feminine
accomplishment.
She had grown indifferent to stares and audible
comment and she could fight a protesting head waiter
to a standstill. If monuments and tablets are ever
erected to the first woman who smoked publicly in
this place or that, Mrs. Jimmie Wellington will
be variously remembered and occupy a large place
in historical record.
The narrow confines of the women's room on the
sleeping car soon palled on her, and she objected to
smoking there except when she felt the added luxury
of keeping some other woman outside — fuming, but
not smoking. And now Mrs. Jimmie had staked out
a claim on the observation platform. She sat there,
164
THROUGH A TUNNEL 165
puffing like a major-general, and in one portion of
Nebraska two farmers fell off their agricultural
vehicles at the sight of her cigar-smoke trailing after
the train. In Wyoming three cowboys followed her
for a mile, yipping and howling their compli-
ments.
Feeling the smoke mood coming on, Mrs. Wel-
lington invited Mrs. Temple to smoke with her, but
Mrs. Temple felt a reminiscent qualm at the very
thought, so Mrs. Jimmie sauntered out alone, to the
great surprise of Ira Lathrop, whose motto was,
"Two heads are better than one," and who was
apparently willing to wait till Anne Cattle's head
grew on his shoulder.
"I trust I don't intrude," Mrs. Wellington said.
"Oh, no. Oh, yes." Anne gasped in fiery con-
fusion as she fled into the car, followed by the purple-
faced Ira, who slammed the door with a growl:
"That Wellington woman would break up anything."
The prim little missionary toppled into the nearest
chair: "Oh, Ira, what will she think?"
"She can't think!" Ira grumbled. "In a little
while she'll know."
"Don't you think we'd better tell everybody be-
fore they begin to talk?"
Ira glowed with pride at the thought and mur-
mured with all the ardor of a senile Romeo: "I
suppose so, ducky darling. I'll break it — I mean I'll
tell it to the men, and you tell the women."
166 EXCUSE ME!
"All right, dear, I'll obey you," she answered,
meekly.
"Obey me!" Ira laughed with boyish swagger.
"And you a missionary!"
"Well, I've converted one heathen, anyway," said
Anne as she darted down the corridor, followed by
Ira, who announced his intention to "go to the bag-
gage car and dig up his old Prince Albert."
In their flight forward they passed the mysterious
woman in the stateroom. They were too full of
their own mystery to give thought to hers. Mrs.
Fosdick went timidly prowling toward the observa-
tion car, suspecting everybody to be a spy, as Mal-
lory suspected everybody to be a clergyman in dis-
guise.
As she stole along the corridor past the men's
clubroom she saw her husband — her here-and-there
husband — wearily counting the telegraph posts and
summing them up into miles. She tapped on the
glass and signalled to him, then passed on.
He answered with a look, then pretended not to
have noticed, and waited a few moments before he
rose with an elaborate air of carelessness. He beck-
oned the porter and said:
"Let me know the moment we enter Utah, will
you?"
"Yassah. We'll be comin' along right soon now.
We got to pass through the big Aspen tunnel, after
that, befo' long, we splounce into old Utah."
THROUGH A TUNNEL 167
"Don't forget," said Fosdick, as he sauntered out.
Ashton perked up his ears at the promise of a tunnel
and kept his eye on his watch.
Fosdick entered the observation room with a
hungry look in his luscious eyes. His now-and-then
wife put up a warning finger 'to indicate Mrs. Whit-
comb's presence at the writing desk.
Fosdick's smile froze into a smirk of formality
and he tried to chill his tone as if he were speaking
to a total stranger.
"Good afternoon."
Mrs. Fosdick answered with equal ice: "Good
afternoon. Won't you sit down?"
"Thanks. Very picturesque scenery, isn't it?"
"Isn't it?" Fosdick seated himself, looked about
cautiously, noted that Mrs. Whitcomb was appar-
ently absorbed in her letter, then lowered his voice
confidentially. His face kept up a strained pretense
of indifference, but his whisper was passionate with
longing:
"Has my poor little wifey missed her poor old
hubby?"
"Oh, so much!" she whispered. "Has poor little
hubby missed his poor old wife?"
"Horribly. Was she lonesome in that dismal
stateroom all by herself?"
"Oh, so miserable! I can't stand it much long-
er."
Fosdick's face blazed with good news: "In just
168 EXCUSE ME!
a little while we come to the Utah line — then we're
safe."
"God bless Utah!"
The rapture died from her face as she caught sight
of Dr. Temple, who happened to stroll in and go to
the bookshelves, and taking out a book happened to
glance near-sightedly her way.
"Be careful of that man, dearie," Mrs. Fosdick
hissed out of one side of her mouth. "He's a very
strange character."
Her husband was infected with her own terror.
He asked, huskily: "What do you think he is?"
"A detective! I'm sure he's watching us. He
followed you right in here."
"We'll be very cautious — till we get to Utah."
The old clergyman, a little fuzzy in brain from
his debut in beer, continued innocently to confirm
the appearance of a detective by drifting aimlessly
about. He was looking for his wife, but he kept
glancing at the uneasy Fosdicks. He went to the
door, opened it, saw Mrs. Wellington finishing a
cigar, and retreated precipitately. Seeing Mrs.
Temple wandering in the corridor, he motioned her
to a chair near the Fosdicks and she sat by his side,
wondering at his filmy eyes.
The Fosdicks, glancing uncomfortably at Dr.
Temple, rose and selected other chairs further away.
Then Roger Ashton sauntered in, his eyes searching
for a proper companion through the tunnel.
THROUGH A TUNNEL 169
He saw Mrs. Wellington returning from the plat-
form, just tossing away her cigar and blowing out
the last of its grateful vapor.
With an effort at sarcasm, he went to her and
offered her one of his own cigars, smiling: "Have
another."
She took it, looked it over, and parried his irony
with a formula she had heard men use when they
hate to refuse a gift-cigar: "Thanks. I'll smoke
it after dinner, if you don't mind."
"Oh, I don't mind," he laughed, then bending
closer he murmured: "They tell me we are coming
to a tunnel, a nice, long, dark, dismal tunnel."
Mrs. Wellington would not take a dare. She felt
herself already emancipated from Jimmie. So she
answered Ashton's hint with a laughing challenge :
"How nice of the conductor to arrange it."
Ashton smacked his lips over the prospect.
And now the porter, having noted Ashton's im-
patience to reach the tunnel, thought to curry favor
and a quarter by announcing its approach. He
bustled in and made straight for Ashton just as the
tunnel announced itself with a sudden swoop of
gloom, a great increase of the train-noises and a far-
off clang of the locomotive bell.
Out of the Egyptian darkness came the unmis-
takable sounds of osculation in various parts of the
room. Doubtless, it was repeated in other parts of
the train. There were numerous cooing sounds, too,
170 EXCUSE ME!
but nobody spoke except Mrs. Temple, who was
heard to murmur:
"Oh, Walter, dear, what makes your breath so
funny!"
Next came a little yowl of pain in Mrs. Fosdick's
voice, and then daylight flooded the car with a rush,
as if time had made an instant leap from midnight
to noon. There were interesting disclosures.
Mrs. Temple was caught with her arms round
the doctor's neck, and she blushed like a spoony girl.
Mrs. Fosdick was trying to disengage her hair from
Mr. Fosdick's scarf-pin. Mrs. Whitcomb alone was
deserted. Mr. Ashton was gazing devotion at Mrs.
Wellington and trying to tell her with his eyes how
velvet he had found her cheek.
But she was looking reproachfully at him from
a chair, and saying, not without regret:
"I heard everybody kissing everybody, but I was
cruelly neglected."
Ashton's eyes widened with unbelief, he heard a
snicker at his elbow, and whirled to find the porter
rubbing his black velvet cheek and writhing with
pent-up laughter.
Mrs. Wellington glanced the same way, and a
shriek of understanding burst from her. It sent the
porter into a spasm of yah-yahs till he caught Ash-
ton's eyes and saw murder in them. The porter fled
to the platform and held the door fast, expecting
to be lynched.
THROUGH A TUNNEL 171
But Ashton dashed away in search of concealment
and soap.
The porter remained on the platform for some
time, planning to leap overboard and take his
chances rather than fall into Ashton's hands, but at
length, finding himself unpursued, he peered into the
car and, seeing that Ashton had gone, he returned
to his duties. He kept a close watch on Ashton, but
on soberer thoughts Ashton had decided that the
incident would best be consigned to silence and ob-
livion. But for all the rest of that day he kept rub-
bing his lips with his handkerchief.
The porter, noting that the train had swept into
a granite gorge like an enormously magnified aisle
in a made-up sleeping car, recognized the presence
of Echo Canyon, and with it the entrance into Utah.
He hastened to impart the tidings to Mr. Fosdick
and held out his hand as he extended the informa-
tion.
Fosdick could hardly believe that his twelve-
hundred-mile exile was over.
"We're in Utah?" he exclaimed.
"Yassah," and the porter shoved his palm into
view. Fosdick filled it with all his loose change, then
whirled to his wife and cried:
"Edith! We are in Utah now! Embrace me!"
She flung herself into his arms with a gurgle of
bliss. The other passengers gasped with amaze-
ment. This sort of thing was permissible enough
172 EXCUSE ME!
in a tunnel, but in the full light of day !
Fosdick, noting the sensation he had created,
waved his hand reassuringly and called across his
wife's shoulder:
"Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. She's
my wife!" He added in a whisper meant for her
ear alone: "At least till we get to Nevada!"
Then she whispered something in his ear and
they hurried from the car. They left behind them
a bewilderment that eclipsed the wonder of the Mai-
lories. That couple spoke to each other at least
during the day time. Here was a married pair that
did not speak at all for two days and two nights and
then made a sudden and public rush to each other's
arms!
Dr. Temple summed up the general feeling when
he said:
"I don't believe in witches, but if I did, I'd believe
that this train is bewitched."
Later he decided that Fosdick was a Mormon
elder and that Mrs. Fosdick was probably a twelfth
or thirteenth spouse he was smuggling in from the
East. The theory was not entirely false, for Fos-
dick was one of the many victims of the crazy-quilt
of American divorce codes, though he was the most
unwilling of polygamists. And Dr. Temple gave up
his theory in despair the next morning when he found
the Fosdicks still on the train, and once more keep-
ing aloof from each other.
CHAPTER XXIV
THE TRAIN BUTCHER
MALLORY was dragging out a miserable existence
with a companion who was neither maid, wife, nor
widow and to whom he was neither bachelor, hus-
band, nor relict.
They were suffering brain-fag from their one topic
of conversation, and heart-fag from rapture de-
ferred. Marjorie had pretended to take a nap and
Mallory had pretended that he would leave her for
her own sake. Their contradictory chains were be-
ginning to gall.
Mallory sat in the smoking room, and threw aside
a half-finished cigar. Life was indeed nauseous
when tobacco turned rank on his lips. He watched
without interest the stupendous scenery whirling past
the train; granite ravines, infernal grotesques of
architecture and diablerie, the Giant's Teapot, the
Devil's Slide, the Pulpit Rock, the Hanging Rock,
splashes of mineral color, as if titanic paint pots
had been spilled or flung against the cliffs, sudden
hushes of green pine-worlds, dreary graveyards of
sand and sagebrush, mountain streams in frothing
panics.
173
EXCUSE ME!
His jaded soul could not respond to any of these
thrillers, the dime-novels and melodramatic third-
acts of Nature. But with the arrival of a train-boy,
who had got on at Evanston with a batch of Salt
Lake City newspapers, he woke a little.
The other men came trooping round, like sheep
at a herd-boy's whistle or chickens when a pan of
grain is brought into the yard. The train "butcher"
had a nasal sing-song, but his strain might have been
the Pied Piper's tune emptying Hamelin of its
grown-ups. The charms of flirtation, matrimonial
bliss and feminine beauty were forgotten, and the
males flocked to the delights of stock-market re-
ports, political or racing or dramatic or sporting or
criminal news. Even Ashton braved the eyes of his
fellow men for the luxury of burying his nose in a
fresh paper.
"Papers, gents? Yes? No?" the train butcher
chanted. "Salt Lake papers, Ogden papers, all the
latest papers, comic papers, magazines, periodicals."
"Here, boy," said Ashton, snapping his fingers,
"what's the latest New York paper?"
"Last Sat'day's."
"Six days old? I read that before I left New
York. Well, give me that Salt Lake paper. It has
yesterday's stock market, I suppose."
"Yes, sir." He passed over the sheet and made
change, without abating his monody: "Papers,
gents. Yes? No? Salt Lake pa "
THE TRAIN BUTCHER 175
"Whash latesh from Chicago?" said Wellington.
"Monday's."
"I read that before — that breakfast began,"
laughed Little Jimmie. "Well, give me Salt Lake
Bazoo. It has basheball news, I s'pose."
"Yes, sir," the butcher answered, and his tone
grew reverent as he said: "The Giants won. Mr.
Mattyson was pitching. Papers, gents, all the lat-
est papers, magazines, periodicals."
Wedgewood extended a languid hand: "What's
the latest issue of the London Times?"
"Never heard of it."
Wedgewood almost fainted, and returned to his
Baedeker of the United States.
Dr. Temple summoned the lad: "I don't suppose
you have the Ypsilanti Eagle?"
The butcher regarded him with pity, and sniffed:
"I carry newspapers, not poultry."
"Well, give me the " he saw a pink weekly
of rather picturesque appearance, and the adventure
attracted him. "I'll take this — also the Outlook"
He folded the pink within the green, and entered
into a new and startling world — a sort of journalistic
slumming tour.
"Give me any old thing," said Mallory, and flung
open an Ogden journal till he found the sporting
page, where his eyes brightened. "By jove, a ten-
inning game! Matthewson in the box!"
"Mattie is most intelleckshal pitcher in the
176 EXCUSE ME!
world," said Little Jimmie, and then everybody dis-
appeared behind paper ramparts, while the butcher
lingered to explain to the porter the details of the
great event.
About this time, Marjorie, tired of her pretence
at slumber, strolled into the observation car, glanc-
ing into the men's room, where she saw nothing
but newspapers. Then Mrs. Wellington saw her,
and smiled: "Come in and make yourself at
home."
"Thanks," said Marjorie, bashfully, "I was look-
ing for my — my "
"Husband?"
"My dog."
"How is he this morning?"
"My dog?"
"Your husband."
"Oh, he's as well as could be expected."
"Where did you get that love of a waist?" Mrs.
Wellington laughed.
"Mrs. Temple lent it to me. Isn't it sweet?"
"Exquisite! The latest Ypsilanti mode."
Marjorie, suffering almost more acutely from
being badly frocked than from being duped in her
matrimonial hopes, threw herself on Mrs. Welling-
ton's mercy.
"I'm so unhappy in this. Couldn't you lend me
or sell me something a little smarter?"
"I'd love to, my dear," said Mrs. Wellington,
THE TRAIN BUTCHER 177
"but I left home on short notice myself. I shall
need all my divorce trousseau in Reno. Otherwise
— I — but here's your husband. You two ought to
have some place to spoon. I'll leave you this whole
room."
And she swept out, nodding to Mallory, who had
divined Marjorie's presence, and felt the need of
being near her, though he also felt the need of fin-
ishing the story of the great ball game. Husband-
like, he felt that he was conferring sufficient cour-
tesy in throwing a casual smile across the top of the
paper.
Marjorie studied his motley garb, and her own,
and groaned:
"We're a sweet looking pair, aren't we?"
"Mr. and Miss Fit," said Mallory, from behind
the paper.
"Oh, Harry, has your love grown cold?" she
pleaded.
"Marjorie, how can you think such a thing?" still
from behind the paper.
"Well, Mrs. Wellington said we ought to have
some place to spoon, and she went away and left
us, and — there you stand — and "
This pierced even the baseball news, and he threw
his arms around her with glow of devotion.
She snuggled closer, and cooed: "Aren't we hav-
ing a nice long engagement? We've traveled a
million miles, and the preacher isn't in sight yet.
ITS "EXCUSE ME!
What have you been reading — wedding announce-
ments?"
"No — I was reading about the most wonderful
exhibition. Mattie was in the box — and in perfect
form."
"Mattie?" Marjorie gasped uneasily.
"Mattie!" he raved, "and in perfect form."
And now the hidden serpent of jealousy, which
promised to enliven their future, lifted its head for
the first time, and Mallory caught his first glimpse of
an unsuspected member of their household. Mar-
jorie demanded with an ominous chill:
"And who's Mattie? Some former sweetheart
of yours?"
"My dear," laughed Mallory.
But Marjorie was up and away, with apt temper:
"So Mattie was in the box, was she? What is it
to you, where she sits? You dare to read about her
and rave over her perfect form, while you neglect
your wife — or your — oh, what am I, anyway?"
Mallory stared at her in amazement. He was
beginning to learn what ignorant heathen women are
concerning so many of the gods and demi-gods of
mankind. Then, with a tenderness he might not al-
ways show, he threw the paper down and took her in
his arms: "You poor child. Mattie is a man — a
pitcher — and you're the only woman I ever loved —
and you are liable to be my wife any minute."
The explanation was sufficient, and she crawled
THE TRAIN BUTCHER 179
into the shelter of his arm with little noises that
served for apology, forgiveness and reconciliation.
Then he made the mistake of mentioning the sick-
ening topic of deferred hope:
"A minister's sure to get on at the next stop —
or the next."
Marjorie's nerves were frayed by too much endur-
ing, and it took only a word to set them jangling:
"If you say minister to me again, I'll scream." Then
she tried to control herself with a polite : "Where is
the next stop?"
"Ogden."
"Where's that? On the map?"
"Well, it's in Utah."
"Utah!" she groaned. "They marry by whole-
sale there, and we can't even get a sample."
CHAPTER XXV
THE TRAIN WRECKER
THE train-butcher, entering the Observation
Room, found only a loving couple. He took in at
a glance their desire for solitude. A large part of
his business was the forcing of wares on people who
did not want them.
His voice and his method suggested the mosquito.
Seeing Mallory and Marjorie mutually absorbed in
reading each other's eyes, and evidently in need of
nothing on earth less than something else to read,
the train-butcher decided that his best plan of attack
was to make himself a nuisance. It is a plan suc-
cessfully adopted by organ-grinders, street pianists
and other blackmailers under the guise of art, who
have nothing so welcome to sell as their absence.
Mallory and Marjorie heard the train-boy's hum,
but they tried to ignore it.
"Papers, gents and ladies? Yes? No? Paris
fashions, lady?"
He shoved a large periodical between their very
noses, but Marjorie threw it on the floor, with a bit-
ter glance at her own borrowed plumage :
180
THE TRAIN WRECKER 181
"Don't show me any Paris fashions!" Then she
gave the boy his conge by resuming her chat with
Mallory: "How long do we stop at Ogden?"
The train-boy went right on auctioning his papers
and magazines, and poking them into the laps of his
prey. And they went right on talking to one an-
other and pushing his papers and magazines to the
floor.
"I think I'd better get off at Ogden, and take the
next train back. That's just what I'll do. Nothing,
thank you!" this last to the train-boy.
"But you can't leave me like this," Mallory urged
excitedly, with a side glance of "No, no!" to the
train-boy.
"I can, and I must, and I will," Marjorie insisted.
"I'll go pack my things now."
"But, Marjorie, listen to me."
"Will you let me alone!" This to the gadfly, but
to Mallory a dejected wail: "I — I just remembered.
I haven't anything to pack."
"And you'll have to give back that waist to Mrs.
Temple. You can't get off at Ogden without a
waist."
"I'll go anyway. I want to get home."
"Marjorie, if you talk that way — I'll throw you
off the train!"
She gasped. He explained: "I wasn't talking to
you; I was trying to stop this phonograph." Then
he rose, and laid violent hands on the annoyer,
182 EXCUSE ME!
shoved him to the corridor, seized his bundle of pa-
pers from his arm, and hurled them at his head.
They fell in a shower about the train-butcher, who
could only feel a certain respect for the one man
who had ever treated him as he knew he deserved.
He bent to pick up his scattered merchandise, and
when he had gathered his stock together, put his
head in, and sang out a sincere:
"Excuse me."
But Mallory did not hear him, he was excitedly
trying to calm the excited girl, who, having eloped
with him, was preparing now to elope back without
him.
"Darling, you can't desert me now," he pleaded,
"and leave me to go on alone?"
"Well, why don't you do something?" she re-
torted, in equal desperation. "If I were a man, and
I had the girl I loved on a train. I'd get her mar-
ried if I had to wreck the " she caught her
breath, paused a second in intense thought, and then,
with sudden radiance, cried: "Harry, dear!"
"Yes, love! "
"I have an idea — an inspiration!"
"Yes, pet," rather dubiously from him, but with
absolute exultation from her: "Let's wreck the
train!"
"I don't follow you, sweetheart."
"Don't you see?" she began excitedly. "When
there are train wrecks a lot of people get killed, and
THE TRAIN WRECKER 183
things. A minister always turns up to administer the
last something or other — well "
"Well?"
"Well, stupid, don't you see? We wreck a train,
a minister comes, we nab him, he marries us, and —
there we are! Everything's lovely!"
He gave her one of those looks with which a man
usually greets what a woman calls an inspiration.
He did not honor her invention with analysis. He
simply put forward an objection to it, and, man-like,
chose the most hateful of all objections:
"It's a lovely idea, but the wreck would delay us
for hours and hours, and I'd miss my transport "
"Harry Mallory, if you mention that odious trans-
port to me again, I know I'll have hydrophobia.
I'm going home."
"But, darling," he pleaded, "you can't desert me
now, and leave me to go on alone?" She had her
answer glib :
"If you really loved me, you'd "
"Oh, I know," he cut in. "You've said that
before. But I'd be court-martialled. I'd lose my
career."
"What's a career to a man who truly loves?"
"It's just as much as it is to anybody else — and
more."
She could hardly controvert this gracefully, so she
sank back with grim resignation. "Well, I've pro-
EXCUSE ME!
posed my plan, and you don't like it. Now, suppose
you propose something."
The silence was oppressive. They sat like stough-
ton bottles. There the conductor found them some
time later. He gave them a careless look, selected
a chair at the end of the car, and began to sort his
tickets, spreading them out on another chair, making
notes with the pencil he took from atop his ear, and
shoved back from time to time.
Ages seemed to pass, and Mallory had not even
a suggestion. By this time Marjorie's temper had
evaporated, and when he said: "If we co.uld only
stop at some town for half an hour," she said:
"Maybe the conductor would hold the train for us."
"I hardly think he would."
"He looks like an awfully nice man. You ask
him."
"Oh, what's the use?"
Marjorie was getting tired of depending on this
charming young man with the very bad luck. She
decided to assume command herself. She took re-
course naturally to the original feminine methods :
"I'll take care of him," she said, with resolution.
"A woman can get a man to do almost anything if
she flirts a little with him."
"Marjorie!"
"Now, don't you mind anything I do. Remember,
it's all for love of you — even if I have to kiss him."
"Marjorie, I won't permit "
THE TRAIN WRECKER 185
"You have no right to boss me — yet. You sub-
side." She gave him the merest touch, but he fell
backward into a chair, utterly aghast at the shame-
less siren into which desperation had altered the
timid little thing he thought he had chosen to love.
He was being rapidly initiated into the complex and
versatile and fearfully wonderful thing a woman
really is, and he was saying to himself, "What have
I married?" forgetting, for the moment, that he had
not married her yet, and that therein lay the whole
trouble.
CHAPTER XXVI
DELILAH AND THE CONDUCTOR
LIKE the best of women and the worst of men,
Marjorie was perfectly willing to do evil, that good
might come of it. She advanced on the innocent con-
ductor, as the lady from Sorek must have sidled up to
Samson, coquetting with one arch hand and snipping
the shears with the other.
The stupefied Mallory saw Marjorie in a startling
imitation of herself at her sweetest; only now it was
brazen mimicry, yet how like! She went, forward
as the shyest young thing in the world, pursed her
lips into an ecstatic simper, and began on the unsus-
pecting official :
"Isn't the country perfectly "
"Yes, but I'm getting used to it," the conductor
growled, without looking up.
His curt indifference jolted Marjorie a trifle, but
she rallied her forces, and came back with: "How
long do we stop at Ogden?"
"Five minutes," very bluntly.
Marjorie poured maple^ syrup on her tone, as she
purred: "This train of yours is an awfully fast train,
isn't it?"
180
DELILAH AND THE CONDUCTOR 187
"Sort of," said the conductor, with just a trace of
thaw. What followed made him hold his breath,
for the outrageous little hussy was actually saying:
"The company must have a great deal of confidence
in you to entrust the lives and welfare of so many
people to your presence of mind and courage."
"Well, of course, I can't say as to that " Even
Mallory could see that the man's reserve was melt-
ing fast as Marjorie went on with relentless treacle:
"Talk about soldiers and firemen and life-savers!
I think it takes a braver man than any of those to be
a -conductor — really."
"Well, it is a kind of a responsible job." The
conductor swelled his chest a little at that, and Mar-
jorie felt that he was already hers. She hammered
the weak spot in his armor:
"Responsible! I should say it is. Mr. Mallory
is a soldier, but soldiers are such ferocious, destruc-
tive people, while conductors save lives, and — if I
were only a man I think it would be my greatest
ambition to be a conductor — especially on an over-
land express."
The conductor told the truth, when he confessed:
"Well, I never heard it put just that way." Then
he spoke with a little more pride, hoping to increase
the impression he felt he was making: "The main
thing, of course, is to get my train through On
Time!"
This was a facer. He was going to get his train
188 EXCUSE ME!
through On Time just to oblige Marjorie. She stam-
mered:
"I don't suppose the train, by any accident, would
be delayed in leaving Ogden?"
"Not if I can help it," the hero averred, to reas-
sure her.
"I wish it would," Marjorie murmured.
The conductor looked at her in surprise: "Why,
what's it to you?" She turned her eyes on him at
full candle power, and smiled:
"Oh, I just wanted to do a little shopping there."
"Shopping ! While the train waits ! Excuse me !"
"You see," Marjorie fluttered, "by a sad mistake,
my baggage isn't on the train. And I haven't any
— any — I really need to buy some — some things very
badly. It's awfully embarrassing to be without
them."
"I can imagine," the conductor mumbled. "Why
don't you and your husband drop off and take the
next train?"
"My husb — Mr. Mallory has to be in San Fran-
cisco by to-morrow night. He just has to!"
"So have I."
"But to oblige me? To save me from distress —
don't you think you could ?" Like a sweet little child
she twisted one of the brass buttons on his coat
sleeve, and wheedled: "Don't you think you might
hold the train just a little tiny half hour?"
He was sorry, but he didn't see how he could.
DELILAH AND THE CONDUCTOR 189
Then she took his breath away again by asking, out
of a clear sky: "Are you married?"
He was as awkward as if she had proposed to
him, she answered for him: "Oh, but of course you
are. The women wouldn't let a big, handsome, noble
brave giant like you escape long." He mopped his
brow in agony as she went on: "I'm sure you're a
very chivalrous man. I'm sure you would give your
life to rescue a maiden in distress. Well, here's your
chance. Won't you please hold the train?"
She actually had her cheek almost against his
shoulder, though she had to poise atiptoe to reach
him. Mallory's dismay was changing to a boiling
rage, and the conductor was a pitiable combination
of Saint Anthony and Tantalus. "I — I'd love to
oblige you," he mumbled, "but it would be as much
as my job's worth."
"How much is that?" Marjorie asked, and added
reassuringly, "If you lost your job I'm sure my father
would get you a better one."
"Maybe," said the conductor, "but — I got this
one."
Then his rolling eyes caught sight of the supposed
husband gesticulating wildly and evidently clearing
for action. He warned Marjorie: "Say, your hus-
band is motioning at you."
"Don't mind him," Marjorie urged, "just listen
to me. I implore you. I " Seeing that he was
still resisting, she played her last card, and, crying,
190 EXCUSE ME!
"Oh, you can't resist my prayers so cruelly," she
threw her arms around his neck, sobbing, "Do you
want to break my heart?"
Mallory rushed into the scene and the conductor,
tearing Marjorie's arms loose, retreated, gasping,
"No ! and I don't want your husband to break my
head."
Mallory dragged Marjorie away, but she shook
her little fist at the conductor, crying: "Do you
refuse? Do you dare refuse?"
"I've got to," the conductor abjectly insisted.
Marjorie blazed with fury and the siren became
a Scylla. "Then I'll see that my father gets you dis-
charged. If you dare to speak to me again, I'll
order my husband to throw you off this train. To
think of being refused a simple little favor by a
mere conductor! of a stupid old emigrant train!! of
all things!!!"
Then she hurled herself into a chair and pounded
her heels on the floor in a tantrum that paralyzed
Mallory. Even the conductor tapped him on the
shoulder and said: "You have my sympathy."
CHAPTER XXVII
THE DOG-ON DOG AGAIN
As the conductor left the Mallorys to their own
devices, it rushed over him anew what sacrilege had
been attempted — a fool bride had asked him to stop
the Trans-American of all trains! — to go shopping
of all things !
He stormed into the smoking room to open the
safety valve of his wrath, and found the porter just
coming out of the buffet cell with a tray, two hollow-
stemmed glasses and a bottle swaddled in a napkin.
"Say, Ellsworth, what in do you suppose
that female back there wants? — wants me to hold
the Trans-American while "
But the porter was in a flurry himself. He was
about to serve champagne, and he cut the conductor
short :
" 'Scuse me, boss, but they's a lovin' couple in the
stateroom forward that is in a powerful hurry for
this. I can't talk to you now. I'll see you later."
And he swaggered off, leaving the door of the buffet
open. The conductor paused to close it, glanced in,
started, stared, glared, roared: "What's this!
Well, I'll be — a dog smuggled in here! I'll break
191
192 EXCUSE ME!
that coon's head. Come out of there, you miserable
or'nary hound." He seized the incredulous Snoozle-
ums by the scruff of his neck, growling, "It's you
for the baggage car ahead," and dashed out with
his prey, just as Mallory, now getting new bearings
on Marjorie's character, spoke across the rampart
of his Napoleonically folded arms:
"Well, you're a nice one ! — making violent love
to a conductor before my very eyes. A minute more
and I would have "
She silenced him with a snap: "Don't you speak
to me! I hate you! I hate all men. The more I
know men the more I like " this reminded her,
and she asked anxiously: "Where is Snoozleums?"
Mallory, impatient at the shift of subject, snapped
back: "Oh, I left him in the buffet with the waiter.
What I want to know is how you dare to "
"Was it a colored waiter?"
"Of course. But I'm not speaking of "
"But suppose he should bite him?"
"Oh, you can't hurt those nigger waiters. I
started to say "
"But I can't have Snoozleums biting colored
people. It might not agree with him. Get him at
once."
Mallory trembled with suppressed rage like an
overloaded boiler, but he gave up and growled:
"Oh, Lord, all right. I'll get him when I've fin-
ished "
THE DOG-ON DOG AGAIN 193
"Go get him this minute. And bring the poor dar-
ting back to his mother."
"His mother! Ye gods!" cried Mallory, wildly.
He turned away and dashed into the men's room
with a furious: "Where's that damned dog?"
He met the porter just returning. The porter
smiled: "He's right in heah, sir," and opened the
buffet door. His eyes popped and his jaw sagged:
"Why, I lef him here just a minute ago."
"You left the window open, too," Mallory ob-
served. "Well, I guess he's gone."
The porter was panic stricken: "Oh, I'm turrible
sorry, boss, I wouldn't have lost dat dog for a for-
tune. If you was to hit me with a axe I wouldn't
mind."
To his utter befuddlement, Mallory grinned and
winked at him, and murmured: "Oh, that's all
right. Don't worry." And actually laid half a dol-
lar in his palm. Leaving the black lids batting over
the starting eyes, Mallory pulled his smile into a
long face and went back to Marjorie like an under-
taker: "My love, prepare yourself for bad news."
Marjorie looked up, startled and apprehensive:
"Snoozleums is ill. He did bite the darkey."
"Worse than that — he — he — fell out of the win-
dow."
"When!" she shrieked, "in heaven's name —
when?"
"He was there just a minute ago, the waiter says."
194 EXCUSE ME!
Marjorie went into instant hysterics, wringing her
hands and sobbing : "Oh, my darling, my poor child
— stop the train at once!"
She began to pound Mallory's shoulders and
shake him frantically. He had never seen her this
way either. He was getting his education in advance.
He tried to calm her with inexpert words: "How
can I stop the train? Now, dearie, he was a nice
dog, but after all, he was only a dog."
She rounded on him like a panther : "Only a dog !
He was worth a dozen men like you. You find the
conductor at once, command him to stop this train —
and back up! I don't care if he has to go back ten
miles. Run, tell him at once. Now, you run!"
Mallory stared at her as if she had gone mad,
but he set out to run somewhere, anywhere. Mar-
jorie paced up and down distractedly, tearing her
hair and moaning, "Snoozleums, Snoozleums! My
child. My poor child !" At length her wildly roving
eyes noted the bell rope. She stared, pondered,
nodded her head, clutched at it, could not reach it,
jumped for it several times in vain, then seized a
chair, swung it into place, stood up in it, gripped
the rope, and came down on it with all her weight,
dropping to the floor and jumping up and down
in a frenzied dance. In the distance the engine could
be heard faintly whistling, whistling for every
pull.
The engineer, far ahead, could not imagine what
THE DOG-ON DOG AGAIN 195
unheard-of crisis could bring about such mad signals.
The fireman yelled:
"I bet that crazy conductor is attacked with an
epilettic fit."
But there was no disputing the command. The
engine was reversed, the air brakes set, the sand run
out and every effort made to pull the iron horse, as
it were, back on its haunches.
The grinding, squealing, jolting, shook the train
like an earthquake. The shrieking of the whistle
froze the blood like a woman's cry of "Murder!"
in the night. The women among the passengers
echoed the screams. The men turned pale and
braced themselves for the shock of collision. Some
of them were mumbling prayers. Dr. Temple and
Jimmie Wellington, with one idea in their dissimilar
souls, dashed from the smoking room to go to their
wives.
Ashton and Wedgewood, with no one to care for
but themselves, seized windows and tried to fight
them open. At last they budged a sash and knelt
down to thrust their heads out.
"I don't see a beastly thing ahead," said Wedge-
wood, "except the heads of other fools."
"We're slowing down though," said Ashton, "she
stops! We're safe. Thank God!" And he col-
lapsed into a chair. Wedgewood collapsed into an-
other, gasping: "Whatevah are we safe from, I
wondah?"
196 EXCUSE ME!
The train-crew and various passengers descended
and ran. alongside the train asking questions. Panic
gave way to mystery. Even Dr. Temple came back
into the smoking room to finish a precious cigar he
had been at work on. He was followed by Little
Jimmie, who had not quite reached his wife when
the stopping of the train put an end to his excuse
for chivalry. He was regretfully mumbling:
"It would have been such a good shansh to shave
my life's wife — I mean my — I don't know what I
mean." He sank into a chair and ordered a drink;
then suddenly remembered his vow, and with great
heroism, rescinded the order.
Mallory, finding that the train was checked just
before he reached the conductor, saw that official's
bewildered wrath at the stoppage and had a fear-
some intuition that Marjorie had somehow done the
deed. He hurried back to the observation room,
where he found her charging up and down, still dis-
traught. He paused at a safe distance and said:
"The train has stopped, my dear. Somebody rang
the bell."
"I guess somebody did !" Marjorie answered, with
a proud toss of the head. "Where's the conductor?"
"He's looking for the fellow that pulled the
rope."
"You go tell him to back up — and slowly, too."
"No, thank you !" said Mallory. He was a biave
young man, but he was not bearding the conductors
THE DOG-ON DOG AGAIN 197
of stopped expresses. Already the conductor's voice
was heard in the smoking room, where he appeared
with the rush and roar of a Bashan bull. "Well!"
he bellowed, "which one of you guys pulled that
rope?"
"It was nobody here, sir," Dr. Temple meekly
explained. The conductor transfixed him with a
baleful glare: "I wouldn't believe a gambler on
oath. I bet you did it."
"I assure you, sir," Wedgewood interposed, "he
didn't touch it. I was heah."
The conductor waved him aside and charged into
the observation room, followed by all the passen-
gers in an awe struck rabble. Here, too, the conduc-
tor thundered: "Who pulled that rope? Speak up
somebody."
Mallory was about to sacrifice himself to save
Marjorie, but she met the conductor's black rage
with the withering contempt of a young queen: "I
pulled the old rope. Whom did you suppose?"
The conductor almost dropped with apoplexy at
finding himself with nobody to vent his immense rage
on, but this pink and white slip. "You!" he gulped,
"well, what in Say, in the name of — why, don't
you know it's a penitentiary offense to stop a train
this way?"
Marjorie tossed her head a little higher, grew a
little calmer: "What do I care? I want you to
back up."
198 EXCUSE ME!
The conductor was reduced to a wet rag, a feeble
echo: "Back up — the tram up?"
"Yes, back the train up," Marjorie answered, res-
olutely, "and go slowly till I tell you to stop."
The conductor stared at her a moment, then
whirled on Mallory : "Say, what in hell's the matter
with your wife?"
Mallory was saved from the problem of answer-
ing by Marjorie's abrupt change from a young Tsar-
ina rebuking a serf, to a terrified mother. She flung
out imploring palms and with a gush of tears
pleaded: "Won't you please back up? My darling
child fell off the train."
The conductor's rage fell away in an instant.
"Your child fell off the train!" he gasped. "Good
Lord! How old was he?"
With one hand he was groping for the bell cord
to give the signal, with the other he opened the door
to look back along the track.
"He was two years old," Marjorie sobbed.
"Oh, that's too bad!" the conductor groaned.
"What did he look like?"
"He had a pink ribbon round his neck."
"A pink ribbon — oh, the poor little fellow! the
poor little fellow!"
"And a long curly tail."
The conductor swung round with a yell : "A curly
tail! — your son?"
"My dog!" Marjorie roared back at him.
THE DOG-ON DOG AGAIN 199
The conductor's voice cracked weakly as he
shrieked: "Your dog! You stopped this train for
a fool dog?"
"He wasn't a fool dog," Marjorie retorted, facing
him down, "he knows more than you do."
The conductor threw up his hands : "Well, don't
you women beat ' He studied Marjorie as if
she were some curious freak of nature. Suddenly an
idea struck into his daze : "Say, what kind of a dog
was it? — a measly little cheese-hound?"
"He was a noble, beautiful soul with wonderful
eyes and adorable ears."
The conductor was growing weaker and weaker:
"Well, don't worry. I got him. He's in the bag-
gage car."
Marjorie stared at him unbelievingly. The news
seemed too gloriously beautiful to be true. "He
isn't dead — Snoozleums is not dead!" she cried, "he
lives ! He lives ! You have saved him." And once
more she flung herself upon the conductor. He
tried to bat her off like a gnat, and Mallory came
to his rescue by dragging her away and shoving her
into a chair. But she saw only the noble conductor:
"Oh, you dear, good, kind angel. Get him at
once."
"He stays in the baggage car," the conductor an-
swered, firmly and as he supposed, finally.
"But Snoozleums doesn't like baggage cars," Mar-
jorie smiled. "He won't ride in one."
200 EXCUSE ME!
"He'll ride in this one or I'll wring his neck."
"You fiend in human flesh!" Marjorie shrank
away from him in horror, and he found courage to
seize the bell rope and yank it viciously with a sar-
donic: "Please, may I start this train?"
The whistle tooted faintly. The bell began to
hammer, the train to creak and writhe and click.
The conductor pulled his cap down hard and started
forward. Marjorie seized his sleeve: "Oh, I im-
plore you, don't consign that poor sweet child to the
horrid baggage car. If you have a human heart in
your breast, hear my prayer."
The conductor surrendered unconditionally : "Oh,
Lord, all right, all right. I'll lose my job, but if
you'll keep quiet, I'll bring him to you." And he
slunk out meekly, followed by the passengers, wrho
were shaking their heads in wonderment at this most
amazing feat of this most amazing bride.
When they were alone once more, Marjorie as
radiant as April after a storm, turned her sunshiny
smile on Mallory:
"Isn't it glorious to have our little Snoozleums
alive and well ?"
But Mallory was feeling like a March day. He
answered with a sleety chill: "You care more for
the dog than you do for me."
"Why shouldn't I ?" Marjorie answered with wide
eyes, "Snoozleums never would have brought me on
THE DOG-ON DOG AGAIN 201
a wild goose elopement like this. Heaven knows
he didn't want to come."
Mallory repeated the indictment: "You love a
dog better than you love your husband."
"My what?" Marjorie laughed, then she spoke
with lofty condescension : "Harry Mallory, if you're
going to be jealous of that dog, I'll never marry
you the longest day I live."
"So you'll let a dog come between us?" he de-
manded.
"I wouldn't give up Snoozleums for a hundred
husbands," she retorted.
"I'm glad to know it in time," Mallory said.
"You'd better give me back that wedding ring."
Marjorie's heart stopped at this, but her pride
was in arms. She drew herself up, slid the ring
from her finger, and held it out as if she scorned it:
"With pleasure. Good afternoon, Mr. Mallory."
Mallory took it as if it were the merest trifle,
bowed and murmured: "Good afternoon, Miss
Newton."
He stalked out and she turned her back on him.
A casual witness would have said that they were too
indifferent to each other even to feel anger. As a
matter of romantic fact, each was on fire with love,
and aching madly with regret. Each longed for
strength to whirl round with outflung arms of recon-
ciliation, and neither could be so brave. And so
they parted, each harking back fiercely for one word
202 EXCUSE ME!
of recall from the other. But neither spoke, and
Marjorie sat staring at nothing through raining eyes,
while Mallory strode into the Men's Room as mel-
ancholy as Hamlet with Yorick's skull in his hands.
It was their first great quarrel, and they were
sonvinced that the world might as well come to an
end.
CHAPTER XXVIII
THE WOMAN-HATER'S RELAPSE
THE observation room was as lonely as a de-
serted battle-field and Marjorie as doleful as a
grounded soldier left behind, and perishing of thirst,
when the conductor came back with Snoozleums in
his arms.
He regarded with contemptuous awe the petty
cause of so great an event as the stopping of the
Trans-American. He expected to see Marjorie re-
ceive the returned prodigal with wild rapture, but
she didn't even smile when he said:
"Here's your powder-puff."
She just took Snoozleums on her lap, and, looking
up with wet eyes and a sad smile, murmured:
"Thank you very much. You're the nicest con-
ductor I ever met. If you ever want another posi-
tion, I'll see that my father gets you one."
It was like offering the Kaiser a new job, but the
conductor swallowed the insult and sought to repay
it with irony.
"Thanks. And if you ever want to run this road
for a couple of weeks, just let me know."
203
204 EXCUSE ME!
Marjorie nodded appreciatively and said : "I will.
You're very kind."
And that completed the rout of that conductor.
He retired in disorder, leaving Marjorie to fondle
Snoozleums with a neglectful indifference that would
have greatly flattered Mallory, if he could have seen
through the partition that divided them.
But he was witnessing with the cynical superiority
of an aged and disillusioned man the, to him, childish
behavior of Ira Lathrop, an eleventh-hour Or-
lando.
For just as Mallory moped into the smoking-room
at one door, Ira Lathrop swept in at the other, his
face rubicund with embarrassment and ecstasy. He
had donned an old frock coat with creases like ruts
from long exile in his trunk. But he was feeling
like an heir apparent; and he startled everybody by
his jovial hail:
"Well, boys — er — gentlemen — the drinks are on
me. Waiter, take the orders."
Little Jimmie woke with a start, rose hastily to
his feet and saluted, saying: "Present! Who said
take the orders?"
"I did," said Lathrop, "I'm giving a party.
Waiter, take the orders."
"Sarsaparilla," said Dr. Temple, but they howled
him down and ordered other things. The porter
shook his head sadly: "Nothin' but sof drinks in
Utah, gemmen."
THE WOMAN-HATER'S RELAPSE 205
A groan went up from the club-members, and
Lathrop groaned loudest of all:
"Well, we've got to drink something. Take the
orders. We'll all have sarsaparilla."
Little Jimmie Wellington came to the rescue.
"Don't do anything desperate, gentlemen," he
said, with a look of divine philanthropy. "The bar's
closed, but Little Jimmie Wellington is here with the
life preserver." From his hip-pocket he produced a
silver flask that looked to be big enough to carry a
regiment through the Alps. It was greeted with a
salvo, and Lathrop said to Jimmie: "I apologize
for everything I have said — and thought — about
you." He turned to the porter: "There ain't any
law against giving this away, is there?"
The porter grinned: "Not if you-all bribe the
exercise-inspector." And he held out a glass for the
bribe, murmuring, "Don't git tired," as it was
poured. He set it inside his sanctum and then bustled
round with ice-filled glasses and a siphon.
When Little Jimmie offered of the flask to Dr.
Temple, the clergyman put out his hand with a po-
litely horrified: "No, thank you."
Lathrop frightened him with a sudden comment:
"Look at that gesture! Doc, I'd almost swear you
were a parson."
Mallory whirled on him with the eyes of a hawk
about to pounce, and "The very idea!" was the best
disclaimer Dr. Temple could manage, suddenly find-
206 EXCUSE ME!
ing himself suspected. Ashton put in with, "The
only way to disprove it, Doc, is to join us."
The poor old clergyman, too deeply involved in
his deception to brave confession now, decided to
do and dare all. He stammered, "Er — ah — cer-
tainly," and held out his hand for his share of the
poison. Little Jimmie winked at the others and
almost filled the glass. The innocent doctor bowed
his thanks. When the porter reached him and pre-
pared to fill the remainder of the glass from the
siphon, the parson waved him aside with a misguided
caution:
"No, thanks. I'll not mix them."
Mallory turned away with a sigh: "He takes
his straight. He's no parson."
Then they forgot the doctor in curiosity as to
Lathrop's sudden spasm of generosity — with Wel-
lington's liquor. Wedgewood voiced the general cu-
riosity when he said:
"What's the old woman-hater up to now?"
"Woman-hater?" laughed Ira. "It's the old story.
I'm going to follow Mallory's example — mar-
riage."
"I hope you succeed," said Mallory.
"Wherever did you pick up the bride?" said
Wedgewood, mellowing with the long glass in his
hand.
"Brides are easy," said Mallory, with surprising
cynicism. "Where do you get the parson?"
THE WOMAN-HATER'S RELAPSE 207
"Hang the parson," Wedgewood repeated,
"Who's the gel?"
"I'll bet I know who she is," Ashton interposed;
"it's that nectarine of a damsel who got on at Green
River."
"Not the same!" Lathrop roared. "I found my
bride blooming here all the while. Girl I used to
spark back in Brattleboro, Vermont. I've been vow-
ing for years that I'd live and die an old maid. I've
kept my head out of the noose all this time — till I
struck this train and met up with Anne. We got
to talking over old times — waking up old sentiments.
She got on my nerves. I got on hers. Finally I
said, 'Aw, hell, let's get married. Save price of one
stateroom to China anyway.' She says, 'Damned if
I don't!' — or words to that effect."
Mallory broke in with feverish interest: "But
you said you were going to get married on this
train."
"Nothing easier. Here's How!" and he raised
his glass, but Mallory hauled it down to demand:
"How? that's what I want to know. How are you
going to get married on this parsonless express.
Have you got a little minister in your suitcase?"
Ira beamed with added pride as he explained:
"Well, you see, when I used to court Anne I had
a rival — Charlie Selby his name was. I thought he
cut me out, but he became a clergyman in Utah — Oh,
Charlie! I telegraphed him that I was passing
208 EXCUSE ME!
through Ogden, and would he come down to the
train and marry me to a charming lady. He always
wanted to marry Anne. I thought it would be a
durned good joke to let him marry her — to me."
"D-did he accept?" Mallory asked, excitedly, "is
he coming?"
"He is — he did — here's his telegram," said Ira.
"He brings the license and the ring." He passed
it over, and as Mallory read it a look of hope spread
across his face. But Ira was saying: "We're going
to have the wedding obsequies right here in this car.
You're all invited. Will you come?"
There was a general yell of acceptance and Ash-
ton began to sing, "There was I waiting at the
church." Then he led a sort of Indian war-dance
round the next victim of the matrimonial stake. At
the end of the hullaballoo all the men charged their
glasses, and drained them with an uproarious
"How!"
Poor Doctor Temple had taken luxurious delight
in the success of his disguise and in the prospect of
watching some other clergyman working while he
rested. He joined the dance as ga'ily, if not as
gracefully, as any of the rest, and in a final triumph
of recklessness, he tossed off a bumper of straight
whisky.
Instantly his "How!" changed to "Wow!" and
then his throat clamped fast with a terrific spasm
that flung the tears from his eyes. He bent and
THE WOMAN-HATER'S RELAPSE 209
writhed in a silent paroxysm till he was pounded and
shaken back to life and water poured down his throat
to reopen a passage.
The others thought he had merely choked and
made no comment other than sympathy. They could
not have dreamed that the old "physician" was as
ignorant of the taste as of the vigor of pure
spirits.
After a riot of handshaking and good wishes, Ira
was permitted to escape with his life. Mallory fol-
lowed him to the vestibule, where he caught him
by the sleeve with an anxious:
"Excuse me."
"Well, my boy "
"Your minister — after you get through with him
— may I use him ?"
"May you — what? Why do you want a minis-
ter?"
"To get married."
"Again? Good Lord, are you a Mormon?"
"Me a Mormon!"
"Then what do you want with an extra wife ? It's
against the law — even in Utah."
"You don't understand."
"My boy, one of us is disgracefully drunk."
"Well, I'm not," said Mallory, and then after a
fierce inner debate, he decided to take Lathrop into
his confidence. The words came hard after so long
a duplicity, but at last they were out:
210 EXCUSE ME!
"Mr. Lathrop, I'm not really married t* my
wife."
"You young scoundrel !"
But his fury changed to pity when he heard the
history of Mallory's ill-fated efforts, and he prom-
ised not only to lend Mallory his minister at second-
hand, but also to keep the whole affair a secret, for
Mallory explained his intention of having his own
ceremony in the baggage-car, or somewhere out of
sight of the other passengers.
Mallory's face was now aglow as the cold embers
of hope leaped into sudden blaze. He wrung La-
throp's hand, saying: "Lord love you, you've saved
my life — wife — both."
Then he turned and ran to Marjorie with the good
news. He had quite forgotten their epoch-making
separation. And she was so glad to see him smiling
at her again that she forgot it, too. He came tear-
ing into the observation room and took her by the
shoulders, whispering: "Oh, Marjorie, Marjorie,
I've got him! I've got him!"
"No, I've got him," she said, swinging Snoozleums
into view.
Mallory swung him back out of the way : "I don't
mean a poodle, I mean a parson. I've got a par-
son."
"No! I can't believe it! Where is he?" She
began to dance with delight, but she stopped when
he explained:
THE WOMAN-HATER'S RELAPSE 211
"Well, I haven't got him yet, but I'm going to
get one."
"What — again?" she groaned, weary of this old
bunco game of hope.
"It's a real live one this time," Mallory insisted.
"Mr. Lathrop has ordered a minister and he's going
to lend him to me as soon as he's through with him,
and we'll be married on this train."
Marjorie was overwhelmed, but she felt it becom-
ing in her to be a trifle coy. So she pouted: "But
you won't want me for a bride now. I'm such a
fright."
He took the bait, hook and all: "I never saw
you looking so adorable."
"Honestly? Oh, but it will be glorious to be Mrs.
First Lieutenant Mallory."
"Glorious!"
"I must telegraph home — and sign my new name.
Won't mamma be pleased?"
"Won't she?" said Mallory, with just a trace of
dubiety.
Then Marjorie grew serious with a new idea : "I
wonder if mamma and papa have missed me yet?"
Mallory laughed: "After three days' disappear-
ance, I shouldn't be surprised."
"Perhaps they are worrying about me."
"I shouldn't be surprised."
"The poor dears! I'd better write them a tele-
gram at once."
212 EXCUSE ME!
"An excellent idea."
She ran to the desk, found blank forms and then
paused with knitted brow: "It will be very hard to
say all I've got to say in ten words."
"Hang the expense," Mallory sniffed magnifi-
cently, "I'm paying your bills now."
But Marjorie tried to look very matronly: "Send
r night letter in the day time ! No, indeed, we must
begin to economize."
Mallory was touched by this new revelation of
her future housewifely thrift. He hugged her hard
and reminded her that she could send a day-letter
by wire.
"An excellent idea," she said. "Now, don't
bother me. You go on and read your paper, read
about Mattie. I'll never be jealous of her — him —
of anybody — again."
"You shall never have cause for jealousy, my
own."
But fate was not finished with the initiation of
the unfortunate pair, and already new trouble was
strolling in their direction.
CHAPTER XXIX
JEALOUSY COMES ABOARD
THERE was an air of domestic peace in the ob-
servation room, where Mallory and Marjorie had
been left to themselves for some time. But the
peace was like the ominous hush that precedes a tem-
pest.
Mallory was so happy with everything coming his
way, that he was even making up with Snoozleums,
stroking the tatted coat with one hand and holding
up his newspaper with the other. He did not know
all that was coming his way. The blissful silence was
broken first by Marjorie:
"How do you spell Utah? — with a y?"
"Utah begins with You," he said — and rather
liked his wit, listened for some recognition, and rose
to get it, but she waved him away.
"Don't bother me, honey. Can't you see I'm
busy?"
He kissed her hair and sauntered back, dividing
his attention between Snoozleums and the ten-inning
game.
And now there was a small commotion in the
213
214 EXCUSE ME!
smoking room. Through the glass along the corri-
dor the men caught sight of the girl who had got
on at Green River. Ashton saw her first and she
saw him.
"There she goes," Ashton hissed to the others,
"look quick! There's the nectarine."
"My word! She's a litle bit of all right, isn't
she?"
Even Dr. Temple stared at her with approval :
"Dear little thing, isn't she?"
The girl, very consciously unconscious of the ad-
miration, moved demurely along, with eyes down-
t.jst, but at such an angle that she could take in the
sensation she was creating; she went along picking
up stares as if they were bouquets.
Her demeanor was a remarkable compromise be-
tween outrageous 6irtation and perfect respectabil-
ity. But she was looking back so intently that when
she moved into the observation room she walked
right into the newspaper Mallory was holding out
before him.
Both said: "I beg your pardon."
When Mallory lowered the paper, both stated
till their eyes almost popped. Her amazement was
one of immediate rapture. He looked as if he would
have been much obliged for a volcanic crater to sink
into.
"Harry!" she gasped, and let fall her handbag.
"Kitty!" he gasped, and let fall his newspaper.
JEALOUSY COMES ABOARD 215
Both bent, he handed her the newspaper and tossed
the handbag into a chair; saw his mistake, withdrew
the newspaper and proffered her Snoozleums. Mar-
jorie stopped writing, pen poised in air, as if she had
suddenly been petrified.
The newcomer was the first to speak. She fairly
gushed: "Harry Mallory — of all people."
"Kitty! Kathleen! Miss Lewellyn!"
"Just to think of meeting you again."
"Just to think of it."
"And on this train of all places."
"On this train of all places!"
"Oh, Harry, Harry!"
"Oh, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!"
"You dear fellow, it's so long since I saw you
last."
"So long."
"It was at that last hop at West Point, remem-
ber?— why, it seems only yesterday, and how well
you are looking. You are well, aren't you ?"
"Not very." He was mopping his brow in an-
guish, and yet the room seemed strangely cold.
"Of course you look much better in your uniform.
You aren't wearing your uniform, are you?"
"No, this is not my uniform."
"You haven't left the army, have you?"
"I don't know yet."
"Don't ever do that. You are just beautiful in
brass buttons."
216 EXCUSE ME!
"Thanks."
"Harry!"
"What's the matter now?"
"This tie, this green tie, isn't this the one I knitted
you?"
"I am sure I don't know, I borrowed it from the
conductor."
"Don't you remember? I did knit you one."
"Did you? I believe you did! I think I wore
it out."
"Oh, you fickle boy. But see what I have. What's
this?"
He stared through the glassy eyes of complete
helplessness. "It looks like a bracelet."
"Don't tell me you don't remember this! — the
little bangle bracelet you gave me."
"D-did I give you a baygled branglet?"
"Of course you did. And the inscription. Don't
you remember it?"
She held her wrist in front of his aching eyes and
he perused as if it were his own epitaph, what she
read aloud for him. "From Harry to Kitty, the Only
Girl I Ever Loved."
"Good night!" he sighed to himself, and began to
mop his brow with Snoozleums.
"You put it on my arm," said Kathleen, with a
moonlight sigh, "and I've always worn it."
"Always?"
"Always ! no matter whom I was engaged to."
JEALOUSY COMES ABOARD 217
The desperate wretch, who had not dared even
to glance in Marjorie's direction, somehow thought
he saw a straw of self-defense. "You were enga'ged
to three or four others when I was at West Point."
"I may have been engaged to the others," said
Kathleen, moon-eyeing him, "but I always liked you
best, Clifford — er, Tommy — I mean Harry."
"You got me at last."
Kathleen fenced back at this: "Well, I've no
doubt you have had a dozen affairs since."
"Oh, no! My heart has only known one real
love." He threw this over her head at Marjorie,
but Kathleen seized it, to his greater confusion: "Oh,
Harry, how sweet of you to say it. It makes me
feel positively faint," and she swooned his way, but
he shoved a chair forward and let her collapse into
that. Thinking and hoping that she was unconscious,
he made ready to escape, but she caught him by the
coat, and moaned : "Where am I ?" and he growled
back:
"In the Observation Car!"
Kathleen's life and enthusiasm returned without
delay: "Fancy meeting you again! I could just
scream."
"So could I."
"You must come up in our car and see mamma."
"Is Ma-mamma with you?" Mallory stammered,
on the verge of imbecility.
"Oh, yes, indeed, we're going around the world."
218 EXCUSE ME!
"Don't let me detain you."
"Papa is going round the world also."
"Is papa on this train, too?"
At last something seemed to embarrass her a
trifle: "No, papa went on ahead. Mamma hopes
to overtake him. But papa is a very good traveler."
Then she changed the subject. "Do come and
meet mamma. It would cheer her up so. She is so
fond of you. Only this morning she was saying, 'Of
all the boys you were ever engaged to, Kathleen, the
one I like most of all was Edgar — I mean Clarence
— er — Harry Mallory."
"Awfully kind of her."
"You must come and see her — she's some stouter
now!"
"Oh, is she? Well, that's good."
Mallory was too angry to be sane, and too helpless
to take advantage of his anger. He wondered how
he could ever have cared for this molasses and mu-
cilage girl. He remembered now that she had always
had these same cloying ways. She had always pawed
him and, like everybody but the pawers, he hated
pawing.
It would have ben bad enough at any time to have
Kathleen hanging on his coat, straightening his tie,
leaning close, smiling up in his eyes, losing him his
balance, recapturing him every time he edged away.
But with Marjorie as the grim witness it was mad-
dening.
JEALOUSY COMES ABOARD 219
He loathed and abominated Kathleen Llewellyn,
and if she had only been a man, he could cheerfully
have beaten her to a pulp and chucked her out of
the window. But because she was a helpless little
baggage, he had to be as polite as he could while
she sat and tore his plans to pieces, embittered Mar-
jorie's heart against him, and either ended all hopes
of their marriage, or furnished an everlasting rancor
to be recalled in every quarrel to their dying day.
Oh, etiquette, what injustices are endured in thy
name !
So there he sat, sweating his soul's blood, and
able only to spar for time and wonder when the
gong would ring. And now she was off on a new
tack:
"And where are you bound for, Harry, dear?"
"The Philippines," he said, and for the first time
there was something beautiful in their remote-
ness.
"Perhaps we shall cross the Pacific on the same
boat."
The first sincere smile he had experienced came
to him: "I go on an army transport, fortu — unfor-
tunately."
"Oh, I just love soldiers. Couldn't mamma and I
go on the transport? Mamma is very fond of
soldiers, too."
"I'm afraid it couldn't be arranged."
"'Too bad, but perhaps we can stop off and pay
220 EXCUSE ME!
you a visit. I just love army posts. So does
mamma."
"Oh, do!"
"What will be your address?"
"Just the Philippines — just the Philippines."
"But aren't there quite a few of them?"
"Only about two thousand."
"Which one will you be on?"
"I'll be on the third from the left," said Mallory,
who neither knew nor cared what he was saying.
Marjorie had endured all that she could stand. She
rose in a tightly leashed fury.
"I'm afraid I'm in the way."
Kathleen turned in surprise. She had not noticed
that anyone was near. Mallory went out of his head
completely. "Oh, don't go — for heaven's sake
don't go," he appealed to Marjorie.
"A friend of yours?" said Kathleen, bristling.
"No, not a friend," in a chaotic tangle, "Mrs. —
Miss — Miss — Er — er — er "
Kathleen smiled: "Delighted to meet you, Miss
Ererer."
"The pleasure is all mine," Marjorie said, with
an acid smile.
"Have you known Harry long?" said Kathleen,
jealously, "or are you just acquaintances on the
train ?" ~
"We're just acquaintances on the train 1"
JEALOUSY COMES ABOARD 221
"I used to know Harry very well — very well in-
deed."
"So I should judge. You won't mind if I leave
you to talk over old times together?"
"How very sweet of you."
"Oh, don't mention it."
"But, Marjorie," Mallory cried, as she turned
away. Kathleen started at the ardor of his tone,
and gasped: "Marjorie! Then he — you "
"Not at all — not in the least," said Marjorie.
At this crisis the room was suddenly inundated
with people. Mrs. Whitcomb, Mrs. Wellington,
Mrs. Temple and Mrs. Fosdlck, all trying to look
like bridesmaids, danced in, shouting:
"Here they come ! Make way for the bride and
groom!"
CHAPTER XXX
A WEDDING ON WHEELS
THE commotion of the matrimony-mad women
brought the men trooping in from the smoking room
and there was much circumstance of decorating the
scene with white satin ribbons, a trifle crumpled and
dim of luster. Mrs. Whitcomb waved them at Mai-
lory with a laugh:
"Recognize these?"
He nodded dismally. His own funeral baked
meats were coldly furnishing forth a wedding break-
fast for Ira Lathrop. Mrs. Wellington was moving
about distributing kazoos and Mrs. Temple had an
armload of old shoes, some of which had thumped
Mallory on an occasion which seemed so ancient
as to be almost prehistoric.
Fosdick was howling to the porter to get some
rice, quick!
"How many portions does you approximate?"
"All you've got."
"Boiled or fried?"
"Any old way." The porter ran forward to the
dining-car for the ammunition.
222
A WEDDING ON WHEELS 223
Mrs. Temple whispered to her husband: "Too
bad you're not officiating, Walter." But he cau-
tioned silence :
"Hush! I'm on my vacation."
The train was already coming into Ogden. Noises
were multiplying and from the increase of passing
objects, the speed seemed to be taking on a spurt.
The bell was clamoring like a wedding chime in a
steeple.
Mrs. Wellington was on a chair fastening a ribbon
round one of the lamps, and Mrs. Whitcomb was
on another chair braiding the bell rope with withered
orange branches, when Ashton, with kazoo all ready,
called out:
"What tune shall we play?"
"I prefer the Mendelssohn Wedding March," said
Mrs. Whitcomb, but Mrs. Wellington glared across
at her.
"I've always used the Lohengrin."
"We'll play 'em both," said Dr. Temple, to make
peace.
Mrs. Fosdick murmured to her spouse: "The
old Justice of the Peace didn't give us any music at
all," and received in reward one of his most luscious-
eyed looks, and a whisper: "But he gave us each
other."
"Now and then," she pouted.
"But where are the bride and groom?"
"Here they come — all ready," cried Ashton, and
224 EXCUSE ME!
he beat time while some of the guests kazooed at
Mendelssohn's and some Wagner's bridal melodies,
and others just made a noise.
Ira Lathrop and Anne Cattle, looking very sheep-
ish, crowded through the narrow corridor and stood
shamefacedly blushing like two school children about
to sing a duet.
The train jolted to a dead stop. The conductor
called into the car : "Ogden! All out for Ogden!"
and everybody stood watching and waiting.
Ira, seeing Mallory, edged close and whispered:
"Stand by to catch the minister on the rebound."
But Mallory turned away. What use had he now
for ministers? His plans were shattered ruins.
The porter came flying in with two large bowls
of rice, and shouting, "Here comes the 'possum — er
posson." Seeing Marjorie, he said: "Shall I per-
ambulate Mista Snoozleums?"
She handed the porter her only friend and he hur-
ried out, as a lean and professionally sad ascetic
hurried in. He did not recognize his boyish enemy
in the gray-haired, red-faced giant that greeted him.
but he knew that voice and its gloating irony:
"Hello, Charlie."
He had always found that when Ira grinned and
was cordial, some trouble was in store for him. He
wondered what rock Ira held behind his back now,
but he forced an uneasy cordiality: "And is this
you, Ira ? Well, well ! It is yeahs since last we met.
A WEDDING ON WHEELS 225
And you're just getting married. Is this the first
time, Ira?"
"First offense, Charlie."
The levity shocked Selby, but a greater shock was
in store, for when he inquired: "And who is the —
er — happy — bride?" the triumphant Lathrop snick-
ered: "I believe you used to know her. Anne
Cattle."
This was the rock behind Ira's back, and Selby
took it with a wince: "Not — my old "
"The same. Anne, you remember, Charlie."
"Oh, yes," said Anne, "How do you do, Charlie?"
And she put out a shy hand, which he took with one
still shyer. He was so unsettled that he stammered:
"Well, well, I had always hoped to marry you, Anne,
but not just this way."
Lathrop cut him short with a sharp : "Better get
busy — before the train starts. And I'll pay you in
advance before you set off the fireworks."
The flippancy pained the Rev. Charles, but he
was resuscitated by one glance at the bill that Ira
thrust into his palm. If a man's gratitude for his
wife is measured by the size of the fee he hands the
enabling parson, Ira was madly in love with Anne.
The Rev. Charles had a reminiscent suspicion that
it was probably a counterfeit, but for once he did
Ira an injustice.
The minister was in such a flutter from losing his
boyhood love, and gaining so much money all at
226 EXCUSE ME!
once and from performing the marriage on a train,
that he made numerous errors in the ceremony, but
nobody noticed them, and the spirit, if not the letter
of the occasion, was there and the contract was
doubtless legal enough.
The ritual began with the pleasant murmur of the
preacher's voice, and the passengers crowded round
in a solemn calm, which was suddenly violated by a
loud yelp of laughter from Wedgewood, who emitted
guffaw after guffaw and bent double and opened out
again, like an agitated umbrella.
The wedding-guests turned on him visages of hor-
ror, and hissed silence at him. Ashton seized him,
shook him, and muttered:
"What the — what's the matter with you?"
The Englishman shook like a boy having a spasm
of giggles at a funeral, and blurted out the explana-
tion:
"That story about the bridegroom — I just saw
the point!"
Ashton closed his jaw by brute force and watched
over him through the rest of the festivity.
CHAPTER XXXI
FOILED YET AGAIN
MALLORY had fled from the scene at the first hum
of the minister's words. His fate was like alkali on
his palate. For twelve hundred miles he had ran-
sacked the world for a minister. When one dropped
on the train like manna through the roof, even this
miracle had to be checkmated by a perverse miracle
that sent to the train an early infatuation, a silly
affair that he himself called puppy-love. And now
Marjorie would never marry him. He did not blame
her. He blamed fate.
He was in solitude in the smoking room. The
place reeked with drifting tobacco smoke and the
malodor of cigar stubs and cigarette ends. His
plans were as useless and odious as cigarette ends.
He dropped into a chair his elbows on his knees and
his head in his hands — Napoleon on St. Helena.
And then, suddenly he heard Marjorie's voice.
He turned and saw her hesitating in the doorway.
He rose to welcome her, but the smile died on his
lips at her chilly speech :
227
228 EXCUSE ME!
"May I have a word with you, sir?"
"Of course. The air's rather thick in here," he
apologized.
"Just wait!" she said, ominously, and stalked in
like a young Zenobia. He put out an appealing
hand : "Now, Marjorie, listen to reason. Of course
I know you won't marry me now."
"Oh, you know that, do you?" she said, with a
squared jaw.
"But, really, you ought to marry me — not merely
because I love you — and you're the only girl I
ever " He stopped short and she almost smiled
as she taunted him: "Go on — I dare you to say it."
He swallowed hard and waived the point: "Well,
anyway, you ought to marry me— for your own
sake."
Then she took his breath away by answering:
"Oh, I'm going to marry you, never fear."
"You are," he cried, with a rush of returning hope.
"Oh, I knew you loved me."
She pushed his encircling arms aside: "I don't
love you, and that's why I'm going to marry you."
"But I don't understand."
"Of course not," she sneered, as if she were a
thousand years old, "you're only a man — and a very
young man."
"You've ceased to love me," he protested, "just
because of a little affair I had before I met you?"
Marjorie answered with world-old wisdom: "A
FOILED YET A CAIN 229
woman can forgive a man anything except what he
did before he met her."
He stared at her with masculine dismay at femi-
nine logic: "If you can't forgive me, then why do
you marry me?"
"For revenge!" she cried. "You brought me on
this train all this distance to introduce me to a girl
you used to spoon with. And I don't like her. She's
awful!"
"Yes, she is awful," Mallory assented. "I don't
know how I ever "
"Oh, you admit it!"
"No."
"Well, I'm going to marry you — now — this min-
ute— with that preacher, then I'm going to get off
at Reno and divorce you."
"Divorce me! Good Lord! On what grounds?"
"On the grounds of Miss Kitty — Katty — Llewel-
lington — or whatever her name is."
Mallory was groggy with punishment, and the
vain effort to foresee her next blow. "But you can't
name a woman that way," he pleaded, "for just
being nice to me before I ever met you."
"That's the worst kind of unfaithfulness," she
reiterated. "You should have known that some day
you would meet me. You should have saved your
first love for me."
"But last love is best," Mallory interposed,
weakly.
230 EXCUSE ME!
"Oh, no, it isn't, and if it is, how do I know I'm
to be your last love? No, sir, when I've divorced
you, you can go back to your first love and go round
the world with her till you get dizzy."
"But I don't want her for a wife," Mallory urged,
"I want you."
"You'll get me — but not for long. And one other
thing, I want you to get that bracelet away from that
creature. Do you promise?"
"How can I get it away?"
"Take it away! Do you promise?"
Mallory surrendered completely. Anything to get
Marjorie safely into his arms: "I promise any-
thing, if you'll really marry me."
"Oh, I'll marry you, sir, but not really."
And while he stared in helpless awe at the cynic
and termagant that jealousy had metamorphosed
this timid, clinging creature into, they heard the con-
ductor's voice at the rear door of the car: "Hurry
up — we've got to start."
They heard Lathrop's protest: "Hold on there,
conductor," and Selby's plea: "Oh, I say, my good
man, wait a moment, can't you?"
The conductor answered with the gruffness of a
despot: "Not a minute. I've my orders to make
up lost time. All aboard!"
While the minister was tying the last loose ends
of the matrimonial knot, Mallory and Marjorie
were struggling through the crowd to get at him.
FOILED YET AGAIN 231
Just as they were near, they were swept aside by
the rush of the bride and groom, for the parson's
"I pronounce you man and wife," pronounced as he
backed toward the door, was the signal for another
wedding riot.
Once more Ira and Anne were showered with
rice. This time it was their own. Ira darted out
into the corridor, haling his brand-new wife by the
wrist, and the wedding guests pursued them across
the vestibule, through the next car, and on, and on.
Nobody remained to notice what happened to
the parson. Having performed his function, he was
without further interest or use. But to Mallory and
Marjorie he was vitally necessary.
Mallory caught his hand as it turned the knob
of the door and drew him back. Marjorie, equally
determined, caught his other elbow:
"Please don't go," Mallory urged, "until you've
married us."
The Reverend Charles stared at his captors in
amazement:
"But my dear man, the train's moving."
Marjorie clung all the tighter and invited him to
"Come on to the next stop."
"But my dear lady," Selby gasped, "it's impos-
sible."
"You've just got to," Mallory insisted.
"Release me, please."
"Never!"
232 EXCUSE ME!
"How dare you!" the parson shrieked, and with
a sudden wriggle writhed out of his coat, leaving it
in Marjorie's hands. He darted to the door and
flung it open, with Mallory hot after him.
The train was kicking up a cloud of dust and get-
ting its stride. The kidnapped clergyman paused a
moment, aghast at the speed with which the ground
was being paid out. Then he climbed the brass rail
and, with a hasty prayer, dropped overboard.
Mallory lunged at him, and seized him by his
reversed collar. But the collar alone remained in
his clutch. The parson was almost lost in the dust
he created as he struck, bounded and rolled till he
came to a stop, with his stars and his prayers to
thank for injuries to nothing worse than his dignity
and other small clothes.
Mallory returned to the observation room and
flung the collar and bib to the floor in a fury of de-
spair, howling:
"He got away! He got away!"
CHAPTER XXXII
THE EMPTY BERTH
THE one thing Mallory was beginning to learn
about Marjorie was that she would never take the
point of view he expected, and never proceed along
the lines of his logic.
She had grown furious at him for what he could
not help. She had told him that she would marry
him out of spite. She had commanded him to pursue
and apprehend the flying parson. He failed and
returned crestfallen and wondering what new form
her rage would take.
And, lo and behold, when she saw him so down-
cast and helpless, she rushed to him with caresses,
cuddled his broad shoulders against her breast, anJ
smothered him. It was the sincerity of his dejection
and the complete helplessness he displayed that won
her woman's heart.
Mallory gazed at her with almost more wonder-
ment than delight. This was another flashlight on
her character. Most courtships are conducted under
a rose-light in which wooer and wooed wear their
best clothes or their best behavior; or in a starlit,
233
234 EXCUSE ME!
moonlit, or gaslit twilight where romance softens
angles and wraps everything in velvet shadow. Then
the two get married and begin to live together
in the cold, gray daylight of realism, with undigni-
fied necessities and harrowing situations at every
step, and disillusion begins its deadly work.
This young couple was undergoing all the incon-
veniences and temper-exposures of marriage without
its blessed compensations. They promised to be
well acquainted before they were wed. If they still
wanted each other after this ordeal, they were pretty
well assured that their marriage would not be a
failure.
Mallory rejoiced to see that the hurricane of
Marjorie's jealousy had only whipped up the sur-
face of her soul. The great depths were still calm
and unmoved, and her love for him was in and of
the depths.
Soon after leaving Ogden, the train entered upon
the great bridge across the Great Salt Lake. The
other passengers were staring at the enormous en-
gineering masterpiece and the conductor was point-
ing out that, in order to save forty miles and the
crossing of two mountain chains, the railroad had
devoted four years of labor and millions of dollars
to stretching a thirty-mile bridge across this inland
ocean.
But Marjorie and Mallory never noticed it. They
were absorbed in exploring each other's souls, and
THE EMPTY BERTH 235
they had safely bridged the Great Salt Lake which
the first big bitter jealousy spreads across every mat-
rimonial route.
They were undisturbed in their voyage, for all the
other passengers had their noses flattened against
the window panes of the other cars — all except one
couple, gazing each at each through time-wrinkled
eyelids touched with the magic of a tardy honey-
moon.
For all that Anne and Ira knew, the Great Salt
Lake was a moon-swept lagoon, and the arid moun-
tains of Nevada which the train went scaling, were
the very hillsides of Arcadia.
But the other passengers soon came trooping back
into the observation room. Ira had told them
nothing of Mallory's confession. In the first place,
he was a man who had learned to keep a secret,
and in the second place, he had forgotten that such
persons as Mallory or his Marjorie existed. All the
world was summed up in the fearsomely happy little
spinster who had moved up into his section — the
section which had begun its career draped in satin
ribbons unwittingly prophetic.
The communion of Mallory and Marjorie under
the benison of reconciliation was invaded by the
jokes of the other passengers, unconsciously ironic.
Dr. Temple chaffed them amiably: "You two
will have to take a back seat now. We've got a
new bridal couple to amuse us."
236 EXCUSE ME!
And Mrs. Temple welcomed them with : "You're
only old married folks, like us."
The Mallorys were used to the misunderstanding.
But the misplaced witticisms gave them reassurance
that their secret was safe yet a little while. At their
dinner-table, however, and in the long evening that
followed they were haunted by the fact that this was
their last night on the train, and no minister to be
expected.
And now once more the Mallorys regained the
star roles in the esteem of the audience, for once
more they quarreled at good-night-kissing time.
Once more they required two sections, while Anne
Cattle's berth was not even made up. It remained
empty, like a deserted nest, for its occupant had flown
South*
CHAPTER XXXIII
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY
4>
THE following morning the daylight creeping into
section number one found Ira and Anne staring
at each other. Ira was tousled and Anne was un-
kempt, but her blush still gave her cheek at least an
Indian summer glow.
After a violent effort to reach the space between
her shoulder blades, she was compelled to appeal to
her new master to act as her new maid.
"Oh, Mr. Lathrop," she stammered — "Ira," she
corrected, "won't you please hook me up?" she
pleaded.
Ira beamed with a second childhood boyishness:
"I'll do my best, my little ootsum-tootsums, it's the
first time I ever tried it."
"Oh, I'm so glad," Anne sighed, "it's the first
time I ever was hooked up by a gentleman."
He gurgled with joy and, forgetting the poverty
of space, tried to reach her lips to kiss her. He
almost broke her neck and bumped his head so hard
that instead of saying, as he intended, "My darling,"
he said, "Oh, hell!"
237
238 EXCUSE ME!
"Ira!" she gasped. But he, with all the proprie-
torship he had assumed, answered cheerily: "You'll
have to get used to it, ducky darling. I could never
learn not to swear." He proved the fact again and
again by the remarks he addressed to certain refrac-
tory hooks. He apologized, but she felt more like
apologizing for herself.
"Oh, Ira," she said, "I'm so ashamed to have you
see me like this — the first morning."
"Well, you haven't got anything on me — I'm not
shaved."
"You don't have to tell me that," she said, rub-
bing her smarting cheek. Then she bumped her head
and gasped: "Oh — what you said."
This made them feel so much at home that she
attained the heights of frankness and honesty by
reaching in her handbag for a knob of supplementary
hair, which she affixed dextrously to what was home-
grown. Ira, instead of looking shocked, loved her
for her honesty, and grinned :
"Now, that's where you have got something on
me. Say, we're like a couple of sardines trying to
make love in a tin can."
"It's cosy though," she said, and then vanished
through the curtains and shyly ran the gauntlet of
amused glances and over-cordial "Good mornings"
till she hid her blushes benind the door of the wo-
men's room and turned the key. If she had thought
of it she would have said, "God bless the man that
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 230
invented doors — and the other angel that invented
locks."
The passengers this morning were all a little
brisker than usual. It was the last day aboard for
everybody and they showed a certain extra anima-
tion, like the inmates of an ocean liner when land has
been sighted.
Ashton was shaving when Ira swaggered into the
men's room. Without pausing to note whom he
was addressing, Ashton sang out:
"Good morning. Did you rest well?"
"What!" Ira roared.
"Oh, excuse me!" said Ashton, hastily, devoting
himself to a gash his safety razor had made in his
cheek — even in that cheek of his.
Ira scrubbed out the basin, filled it and tried to
dive into it, slapping the cold water in double hand-
fuls over his glowing face and puffing through it like
a porpoise.
Meanwhile the heavy-eyed Fosdick was slinking
through the dining-car, regarded with amazement
by Dr. Temple and his wife, who were already up
and breakfasting.
"What's the matter with the bridal couples on
this train, anyway?" said Dr. Temple.
"I can't imagine," said his wife, "we old couples
are the only normal ones."
"Some more coffee, please, mother," he said.
"But your nerves," she protested.
240 EXCUSE ME!
"It's my vacation," he insisted.
Mrs. Temple stared at him and shook her head:
"I wonder what mischief you'll be up to to-day?
You've already been smoking, gambling, drinking —
have you been swearing, yet?"
"Not yet," the old clergyman smiled, "I've been
saving that up for a good occasion. Perhaps it will
rise before the day's over."
And his wife choked on her tea at the wonderful
train-change that had come over the best man in
Ypsilanti.
By this time Fosdick had reached the stateroom
from which he had been banished again at the
Nevada state-line. He knocked cautiously. From
within came an anxious voice: "Who's there?"
"Whom did you expect?"
Mrs. Fosdick popped her head out like a Jill in
the box. "Oh, it's you, Arthur. Kiss me good
morning."
He glanced round stealthily and obeyed instruc-
tions: "I guess its's safe — my darling."
"Did you sleep, dovie?" she yawned.
"Not a wink. They took off the Portland car at
Granger and I had to sleep in one of the chairs in
the observation room."
Mrs. Fosdick shook her head at him in mournful
sympathy, and asked : "What state are we in now?"
"A dreadful state — Nevada."
"Just what are we in Nevada?"
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 241
"I'm a bigamist, and you've never been married
at all."
"Oh, these awful divorce laws !" she moaned, then
left the general for the particular: "Won't you
come in and hook me up?"
Fosdick looked shocked: "I don't dare compro-
mise you."
"Will you take breakfast with me — in the dining-
car?" she pleaded.
"Do we dare?"
"We might call it luncheon," she suggested.
He seized the chance: "All right, I'll go ahead
and order, and you stroll in and I'll offer you the
seat opposite me."
"But can't you hook me up?"
He was adamant: "Not till we get to California.
Do you think I want to compromise my own wife?
Shh! Somebody's coming!" And he darted off to
the vestibule just as Mrs. Jimmie Wellington issued
from number ten with hair askew, eyes only half
open, and waist only half shut at the back. She made
a quick spurt to the women's room, found it locked,
stamped her foot, swore under her breath, and
leaned against the wall of the car to wait.
About the same time, the man who was still her
husband according to the law, rolled out of berth
number two. There was an amazing clarity to his
vision. He lurched as he made his way to the men's
room, but it was plainly the train's swerve and not
242 EXCUSE ME!
an inner lurch that twisted the forthright of his
progress.
He squeezed into the men's room like a whole
crowd at once, and sang out, "Good morning, all!"
with a wonderful heartiness. Then he paused over
a wash basin, rubbed his hands gleefully and pro-
claimed, like another Chantecler advertising a new
day:
"Well— I'm sober again!"
"Three cheers for you," said his rival in radi-
ance, bridegroom Lathrop.
"How does it feel?" demanded Ashton, smiling
so broadly that he encountered the lather on his
brush.
While he sputtered Wellington was flipping water
over his hot head and incidentally over Ashton.
"I feel," he chortled, "I feel like the first little
robin redbreast of the merry springtime. Tweet I
Tweet!"
When the excitement over his redemption had
somewhat calmed, Ashton reopened the old topic
of conversation:
"Well, I see they had another scrap last night."
"They — who?" said Ira, through his flying tooth-
brush.
"The Mallorys. Once more he occupied number
three and she number seven."
"Well, well, I can't understand these modern mar-
riages," said Little Jimmie, with a side glance at
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 243
Ira. Ira suddenly remembered the plight of the
Mallorys and was tempted to defend them, but he
saw the young lieutenant himself just entering the
washroom. This was more than Wellington saw,
for he went on talking from behind a towel :
"Well, if I were a bridegroom and had a bride
like that, it would take more than a quarrel to send
me to another berth."
The others made gestures which he could not see.
His enlightenment came when Mallory snapped the
towel from his hands and glared into his face with
all the righteous wrath of a man hearing his do-
mestic affairs publicly discussed.
"Were you alluding to me, Mr. Wellington?" he
demanded, hotly.
Little Jimmie almost perished with apoplexy:
"You, you?" he mumbled. "Why, of course not.
You're not the only bridegroom on the train."
Mallory tossed him the towel again : "You meant
Mr. Lathrop then?"
"Me ! Not much !" roared the indignant Lathrop.
Mallory returned to Wellington with a fiercer:
"Whom, then?"
He was in a dangerous mood, and Ashton came
to the rescue: "Oh, don't mind Wellington. He's
not sober yet."
This inspired suggestion came like a life-buoy to
the hard-pressed Wellington. He seized it and spoke
thickly: "Don't mind me — I'm not shober yet."
EXCUSE ME!
"Well, it's a good thing you're not," was Malloi*y\
final growl as he began his own toilet.
The porter's bell began to ring furiously,, with a
touch they had already come to recognize as thfi
Englishman's. The porter had learned to recognize
it, too, and he always took double the necessary time
to answer it. He was sauntering down the aisle a1f.
his most leisurely gait when Wedgewood's rumpled
mane shot out from the curtains like a lion's from .9
jungle, and he bellowed : "Pawtah ! Pawtah !"
"Still on the train," said the porter.
"You may give me my portmanteau."
"Yassah." He dragged it from the upper berth,
and set it inside Wedgewood's berth without spe-
cial care as to its destination. "Does you desire
anything else, sir?"
"Yes, your absence," said Wedgewood.
"The same to you and many of them," the porter
muttered to himself, and added to Marjorie, who
was just starting down the aisle: "I'll suttainly be
interested in that man gittin' where he's goin' to git
to." Noting that she carried Snoozleums, he said:
"We're comin' into a station right soon." Without
further discussion she handed him the dog, and he
hobbled away.
When she reached the women's door, she found
Mrs. Wellington waiting with increasing exaspera-
tion: "Come, join the line at the box office," she
said.
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 245
"Good morning. Who's in there?" said Mar-
jorie, and Mrs. Wellington, not noting that Mrs.
Whitcomb had come out of her berth and fallen into
line, answered sharply:
"I don't know. She's been there forever. I'm
sure it's that cat of a Mrs. Whitcomb."
"Good morning, Mrs. Mallory," snapped Mrs.
Whitcomb.
Mrs. Wellington was rather proud that the ran-
dom shot landed, but Marjorie felt most uneasy
between the two tigresses: "Good morning, Mrs.
Whitcomb," she said. There was a disagreeable
silence, broken finally by Mrs. Wellington's: "Oh,
Mrs. Mallory, would you be angelic enough to hook
my gown?"
;'Of course I will," said Marjorie.
"May I hook you?" said Mrs. Whitcomb.
"You're awfully kind," said Marjorie, presenting
her shoulders to Mrs. Whitcomb, who asked with
malicious sweetness: "Why didn't your husband do
this for you this morning?"
"I — I don't remember," Marjorie stammered,
and Mrs. Wellington tossed over-shoulder an apo-
thegm : "He's no husband till he's hook-broken."
Just then Mrs. Fosdick came out of her stateroom.
Seeing Mrs. Whitcomb's waist agape, she went at it
with a brief, "Good morning, everybody. Permit
me."
Mrs. Wellington twisted her head to say "Good
246 EXCUSE ME!
morning," and to ask, "Are you hooked, Mrs. Fas-
dick?"
"Not yet," pouted Mrs. Fosdick.
"Turn round and back up," said Mrs. Wellington.
After some maneuvering, the women formed a com-
plete circle, and fingers plied hooks and eyes in a
veritable Ladies' Mutual Aid Society.
By now, Wedgewood was ready to appear in a
bathrobe about as gaudy as the royal standard of
Great Britain. He stalked down the aisle, and an-
swered the male chorus's cheery "Good morning"
with a ramlike "Baw."
Ira Lathrop felt amiable even toward the for-
eigner, and he observed: "Glorious morning this
morning."
"I dare say," growled Wedgewood. "I don't go
in much for mawnings — especially when I have no
tub."
Wellington felt called upon to squelch him: "You
Englishmen never had a real tub till we Americans
sold 'em to you."
"I dare say," said Wedgewood indifferently.
"You sell 'em. We use 'em. But, do you know, I've
just thought out a ripping idea. I shall have my cold
bath this mawning after all."
"What are you going to do?" growled Lathrop.
"Crawl in the icewater tank?"
"Oh, dear, no. I shouldn't be let," and he pro-
duced from his pocket a rubber hose. "I simply
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 247
affix this little tube to one end of the spigot and wave
the sprinklah hyah over my — er — my person."
Lathrop stared at him pityingly, and demanded:
"What happens to the water, then?"
"What do I care?" said Wedgewood.
"You durned fool, you'd flood the car."
Wedgewood's high hopes withered. "I hadn't
thought of that," he sighed. "I suppose I must con-
tinue just as I am till I reach San Francisco. The
first thing I shall order to-night will be four cold
tubs and a lemon squash."
While the men continued to make themselves pre-
sentable in a huddle, the hook-and-eye society at the
.other end of the car finished with the four waists^
and Mrs. Fosdick hurried away to keep her tryst in
the dining-car. The three remaining relapsed int*
dreary attitudes. Mrs. Wellington sh^k the knob
of the forbidding door, and turned to complain:
"What in heaven's name ails the creature in there.
She must have fallen out of the window."
"It's outrageous," said Marjorie, "the way
women violate women's rights."
Mrs. Whitcomb saw an opportunity to insert a
stiletto. She observed to Marjorie, with an innocent
air: "Why, Mrs. Mallory, I've even known women
to lock themselves in there and smoke!"
While Mrs. Wellington was rummaging her brain
for a fitting retort, the door opened, and out stepped
Miss Cattle, as was.
248 EXCUSE ME!
She blushed furiously at sight of the committee
waiting to greet her, but they repented their criti-
cisms and tried to make up for them by the excessive
warmth with which they all exclaimed at once:
"Good morning, Mrs. Lathrop!"
"Good morning, who?" said Anne, then blushed
yet redder: "Oh, I can't seem to get used to that
name! I hope I haven't kept you waiting?"
"Oh, not at all!" the women insisted, and Anne
fled to number Six, remembered that this was no
longer her home, and moved on to number One.
Here the porter was just finishing his restoring tasks,
and laying aside with some diffidence two garments
which Anne hastily stuffed into her own valise.
Meanwhile Marjorie was pushing Mrs. Welling-
ton ahead:
"You go in first, Mrs. Wellington."
"You go first. I have no husband waiting for
me," said Mrs. Wellington.
"Oh, I insist," said Marjorie.
"I couldn't think of it," persisted Mrs. Welling-
ton. "I won't allow you."
And then Mrs. Whitcomb pushed them both
aside: "Pardon me, won't you? I'm getting off at
Reno."
"So am I," gasped Mrs. Wellington, rushing for-
ward, only to be faced by the slam of the door and
the click of the key. She whirled back to demand
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 249
of Marjorie: "Did you ever hear of such impu-
dence?"
"I never did."
"I'll never be ready for Reno," Mrs. Wellington
wailed, "and I haven't had my breakfast."
"You'd better order it in advance," said Mar-
jorie. "It takes that chef an hour to boil an egg
three minutes."
"I will, if I can ever get my face washed," sighed
Mrs. Wellington.
And now Mrs. Anne Lathrop, after much hesita-
tion, called timidly: Porter — porter — please!"
"Yes — miss — missus!" he amended.
"Will you call my — " she gulped — "my hus-
band?"
"Yes, ma'am," the porter chuckled, and putting
his grinning head in at the men's door, he bowed to
Ira and said: "Excuse me, but you are sent for by
the lady in number One."
Ashton slapped him on the back and roared: "Oh,
you married man!"
"Well," said Ira, in self-defence, "I don't hear
anybody sending for you." Wedgewood grinned at
Ashton. "I rather fancy he had you theah, old top,
eh, what?"
Ira appeared at number One, and bending over
his treasure-trove, spoke in a voice that was pure
saccharine : "Are you ready for breakfast, dear?"
"Yes, Ira."
250 EXCUSE ME!
"Come along to the dining-car."
"It's cosier here," she said. "Couldn't we have
k served here?"
"But it'll get all cold, and I'm hungry," pouted the
•Id bachelor, to whom breakfast was a sacred
institution.
"All right, Ira," said Anne, glad to be meek;
"come along," and she rose.
Ira hesitated. "Still, if you'd rather, we'll eat
here." He sat down.
"Oh, not at all," said Anne; "we'll go where you
want to go."
"But I want to do what you want to do."
"So do I — we'll go," said Anne.
"We'll stay."
"No, I insist on the dining-car."
"Oh, all right, have your own way," said Ira, as
if he were being bullied, and liked it. Anne smiled
at the contrariness of men, and Ira smiled at the
contrariness of women, and when they reached the
vestibule they kissed each other in mutual for-
giveness.
As Wedgewood stropped an old-fashioned razor,
he said to Ashton, who was putting up his safety
equipment: "I say, old party, are those safety razors
safe? Can't you really cut yourself?"
"Cut everything but hair," said Ashton, pointing
to his wounded chin.
Mallory put out his hand: "Would you be kind
enough to lend me your razor again this morning?"
FRESH TROUBLE DAILY 251
"Sure thing," said Ashton. "You'll find your
blade in the box there."
Mallory then negotiated the loan of one more
fresh shirt from the Englishman, and a clean collar
from Ashton. He rejoiced that the end of the day
would bring him in touch with his own baggage.
Four days of foraging on the country was enougk
for this soldier.
Also he felt, now that he and Marjorie had lived
thus long, they could survive somehow till evening
brought them to San Francisco, where there were
hundreds of ministers. And then the conductor must
ruin his early morning optimism, though he made his
appearance in the washroom with genial good morn-
ings for all.
Mallory acknowledged the greeting, and asked off-
handedly: "By the way, how's she running?"
The conductor answered even more offhandedly:
"About two hours late — and losinV
Mallory was transfixed with a new fear: "Good
Lord, my transport sails at sunrise."
"Oh, we ought to make 'Frisco by midnight, any-
way."
"Midnight, and sail at daylight 1"
"Unless we lose a little more time."
Mallory realized that every new day managed to
create its own anxieties. With the regularity of a
milkman, each morning left a fresh crisis on hia
doorstep.
CHAPTER XXXIV
THE COMPLETE DIVORCEE
THE other passengers were growing nervous with
their own troubles. The next stop was Reno, and
in spite of all the wit that is heaped upon the town,
it is a solemn place to those who must go there
in purgatorial penance for matrimonial error.
Some honest souls regard such divorce-emporiums
as dens of evil, where the wicked make a mockery
of the sacrament and assail the foundations of soci-
ety, by undermining the home. Other equally honest
souls, believing that marriage is a human institution
whose mishaps and mistakes should be rectified as
far as possible, regard the divorce courts as cities
of refuge for ill-treated or ill-mated women and men
whose lives may be saved from utter ruination by
the intervention of high-minded judges.
But, whichever view is right, the ordeal by divorce
is terrifying enough to the poor sinners or martyrs
who must undergo it.
LittJe Jimmie Wellington turned pale, and stam-
mered, as he tried to ask the conductor casually:
4 What kind of a place is that Reno?"
The conductor, somewhat cynical from close asso-
252
THE COMPLETE DIVORCEE 253
elation with the divorce-mill and its grist, grinned:
"That depends on what you're leaving behind. Most
folks seem to get enough of it in about six months."
Then he went his way, leaving Wellington red,
agape and perplexed. The trouble with Welling-
ton was that he had brought along what he was
leaving behind. Or, as Ashton impudently observed :
"You ought to enjoy your residence there, Welling-
ton, with your wife on hand."
The only repartee that Wellington could think of
was a rather uninspired: "You go to ."
"So long as it isn't Reno," Ashton laughed, and
walked away.
Wedgewood laid a sympathetic hand on Little
Jimmie's shoulder, and said:
"That Ashton is no end of a bounder, what?"
Wellington wrote his epitaph in these words:
"Well, the worst I can say of him is, he's the kind
of man that doesn't lift the plug out when he's
through with the basin."
He liked this so well that he wished he had
thought of it in time to crack it over Ashton's head.
He decided to hand it to him anyway. He forgot
that the cardinal rule for repartee, is "Better never
than late."
As he swung out of the men's room he was
buttonholed by an individual new to the little Trans-
American colony. One of the camp-followers and
sutlers who prosper round the edges of all great
254 EXCUSE ME!
enterprises had waylaid him on the way to the battle-
ground of marital freedom.
The stranger had got on at an earlier stop and
worked his way through the train to the car named
"Snowdrop." Wellington was his first victim here.
His pushing manner, the almost vulture-like rapacity
of his gleaming eyes, and the very vulturine contour
of his profile, his palmy gestures, his thick lisp, and
everything about him gave Wellington his immedi-
ate pedigree.
It ill behooves Christendom to need reminding
that the Jewish race has adorned and still adorns
humanity with some of its noblest specimens; but
this interloper was of the type that must have irri-
tated Voltaire into answering the platitude that the
Jews are God's chosen people with that other plati-
tude, "Tastes differ."
Little Jimmie Wellington, hot in pursuit of Ash-
ton, found himself checked in spite of himself; in
spite of himself deposited somehow into a seat, and
in spite of himself confronted with a curvilinear per-
son, who said :
"Excoose, pleass! but are you gettink off at
R-r-reno?"
"I am," Wellington answered, curtly, essaying to
rise, only to be delicately restored to his place with
a gesture and a phrase:
"Then you neet me."
"Oh, I need you, do I? And who are you?"
TEE COMPLETE DIVORCEE 255
"Who ain't I? I am Baumann and Blumen. Our
cart, pleass."
Wellington found a pasteboard in his hand and
read the legend :
Real Estate Agents. Baggage Transfer.
Saitmamt & Blumcn
DIVORCE OUTFITTERS,
212 Alimony Avenue, Reno, Nev.
Notary Public. Divorces Secured.
Justice of the Peace. Satisfaction Guaranteed.
Wellington looked from the crowded card to the
zealous face. "Divorce Outfitters, eh? I don't
quite get you."
"Veil, in the foist place "
" The foist place,' eh? You're from New
York."
"Yes, oritchinally. How did you know it? By
my feshionable clothink?"
"Yes," laughed Wellington. "But you say I need
you. How?"
"Veil, you've got maybe some beggetch, some
trunks — yes ?"
"Yes."
"Veil, in the foist place, I am an expressman. I
deliver 'em to your address — yes? Vere iss it?"
256 EXCUSE ME!
"I haven't got any yet."
"Also I am addressman. Do you vant it a nice
hotel? — or a fine house? — or an apartment? — or
maybe a boarding-house? — yes? How long do you
make a residence?"
"Six months."
"No longer?"
"Not a minute."
"Take a fine house, den. I got some beauties just
wacated."
"For a year? — no thanks."
"All the leases in Reno run for six months
only."
"Well, I'd like to look around a little first."
"Good. Don't forget us. You come out here for
six months. You vant maybe a good quick divorce —
yes?"
"The quickest I can get."
"Do you vant it confidential? or very nice and
noisy?"
"What's that?"
"Ve are press agents and also suppress agents.
Some likes 'em one way, some likes 'em anudder.
Vich do you vant it?"
"Quick and quiet."
"Painless divorce is our specialty. If you pay me
an advence deposit now, I file your claim de minute
de train stops and your own vife don't know you're
divorced."
THE COMPLETE DIVORCEE 257
"I'll think it over," said Wellington, rising with
resolution-.
"Don't forget us. iSaumann and Blumen. Satis-
faction guaranteed or your wife refunded. Avoid
substitoots." And then, seeing that he could not ex-
tract any cash from Little Jimmie, Mr. Baumann
descended upon Mallory, who was just finishing his
shave. Laying his hand on Mallory's arm, he be-
gan:
"Excoose, pleass. Can I fit you out vit a nice
divorce?"
"Divorce? — me! — that's good," laughed Mallory
at the vision of it. Then a sudden idea struck him.
It took no great genius to see that Mr. Baumann
was not a clergyman, but there were other marriers
to be had. "You don't perform marriages, do you ?"
he asked.
Mr. Baumann drew himself up : "Who says I
don't? Ain't I a justice of the peaces?"
Mallory put out his hand in welcome: then a new
anxiety chilled him. He had a license for Chicago,
but Chicago was far away: "Do I need a license
in Nevada ?"
"Why shouldn't you?" said Mr. Baumann.
"Don't all sorts of things got to have a license in
Nevada, saloons, husbands, dogs "
"How could I get one?" Mallory asked as he
went on dressing.
258 EXCUSE HE!
"Ain't I got a few vit me? Do you vant to get
a nice re-marriage license?"
"Re-marriage? — huh!" he looked round and, see-
ing that no one else was near: "I haven't taken the
first step yet."
Mr. Baumann laved his hands in one another : "A
betchelor? Ah, I see you vant to marry a nice di-
vorcee lady in R-r-reno ?"
"She isn't in Reno and she has never been mar-
ried, either."
This simple statement seemed to astound Mr.
Baumann:
"A betcheller marry a maiden ! — in Reno ! — oi, oi,
oi ! It hasn't been done yet, but it might be."
Mallory looked him over and a twinge of distaste
disturbed him: "You furnish the license, but — er —
ah — is there any chance of a clergyman — a Christian
clergyman — being at the station?"
"Vy do you vant it a cloigyman? Can't I do it
just as good ? Or a nice fat alderman I can get you ?"
Mallory pondered : "I don't think she'd like any-
thing but a clergyman."
"Veil," Baumann confessed, "a lady is liable to
be particular about her foist marriage. Anyvay I
sell you de license."
"All right."
Mr. Baumann whipped out a portfolio full of
documents, and as he searched them, philosophized:
"A man ought alvays to carry a good marriage li-
THE COMPLETE DIVORCEE 259
cense. It might be he should need it in a hurry."
He took a large iron seal from his side-pocket and
stamped the paper and then, with fountain pen
poised, pleaded: "Vat is the names, pleass?"
"Not so loud!" Mallory whispered.
Baumann put his finger to his nose, wisely: "I
see, it is a confidential marriage. Sit down once."
When he had asked Mallory the necessary ques-
tions and taken his fee, he passed over the document
by which the sovereign state of Nevada graciously
permitted two souls to be made more or less one in
the eyes of the law.
"Here you are," said Mr. Baumann. "Vit dat
you can get married anyvere in Nevada."
Mallory realized that Nevada would be a thing
of the past in a few hours more and he asked:
"It's no good in California?"
"Himmel, no. In California you bot' gotta go
and be examined."
"Examined!" Mallory gasped, in dire alarm.
"Vit questions, poissonally," Mr. Baumann has-
tened to explain.
"Oh!"
"In Nevada," Baumann insinuated, still hopeful,
"I could marry you myself — now, right here."
"Could you marry us in this smoking room?"
"In a cattle car, if you vant it."
"It's not a bad idea," said Mallory. "I'll let you
know."
260 EXCUSE ME!
Seeing Marjorie coming down the aisle, he has-
tened to her, and hugged her good-morning with a
new confidence.
Dr. and Mrs. Temple, who had returned to their
berth, witnessed this greeting with amazement. After
the quarrel of the night before surely some explana-
tion should have been overheard, but the puzzling
Mallorys flew to each other's arms without a mo-
ment's delay. The mystery was exciting the pas-
sengers to such a point that they were vowing to
ask a few questions point blank. Nobody had quite
dared to approach either of them, but frank curi-
osity was preferable to nervous prostration, and
the secret could not be kept much longer. Fellow-
passengers have some rights. Not even a stranger
can be permitted to outrage their curiosity with im-
punity forever.
Seeing them together, Mrs. Temple watched the
embrace with her daily renewal of joy that the last
night's quarrel had not proved fatal. She nudged
her husband :
"See, they're making up again."
Dr. Temple was moved to a violent outburst for
him: "Well, that's the darnedest bridal couple — I
only said darn, my dear."
He was still more startled when Mr. Baumann,
cruising along the aisle, bent over to murmur: "Can
I fix you a nice divorce?"
Dr. Temple rose in such an attitude of horror as
THE COMPLETE DIVORCEE 261
he assumed in the pulpit when denouncing the great-
est curse of society, and Mr. Baumann retired. As
he passed Mallory he cast an appreciative glance
at Marjorie and, tapping Mallory's shoulder, whis-
pered: "No vonder you want a marriage license.
I'll be in the next car, should you neet me." Then
he went on his route.
Marjorie stared after him in wonder and asked:
"What did that person mean by what he said?"
"It's all right, Marjorie," Mallory explained, in
the highest cheer: "We can get married right
away."
Marjorie declined to get her hopes up again:
"You're always saying that."
"But here's the license — see?"
"What good is that?" she said, "there's no
preacher on board."
"But that man is a justice of the peace and he'll
marry us."
Marjorie stared at him incredulously: "That
creature ! — before all these passengers ?"
"Not at all," Mallory explained. "We'll go into
the smoking room."
Marjorie leaped to her feet, aghast: "Elope two
thousand miles to be married in a smoking room by
a Yiddish drummer ! Harry Mallory, you're crazy."
Put just that way, the proposition did not look
so alluring as at first. He sank back with a sigh:
"I guess I am. I resign."
262 EXCUSE ME!
He was as weary of being "foiled again" as the
villain of a cheap melodrama. The two lovers sat
in a twilight of deep melancholy, till Marjorie's mind
dug up a new source of alarm:
"Harry, I've just thought of something terrible."
"Let's have it," he sighed, drearily.
"We reach San Francisco at midnight and you
sail at daybreak. What becomes of me?"
Mallory had no answer to this problem, except a
grim: "I'll not desert you."
"But we'll have no time to get married."
"Then," he declared with iron resolve, "then I'll
resign from the Army."
Marjorie stared at him with awe. He was so
wonderful, so heroic. "But what will the country
do without you?"
"It will have to get along the best it can," he
answered with finality. "Do you think I'd give you
up?"
But this was too much to ask. In the presence
of a ruined career and a hero-less army, Marjorie
felt that her own scruples were too petty to count
She could be heroic, too.
"No!" she said, in a deep, low tone, "No, we'll
get married in the smoking room. Go call your
drummer!"
This opened the clouds and let in the sun again
with such a radiant blaze that Mallory hesitated
no longer. "Fine!" he cried, and leaped to his
263
feet, only to be detained again by Marjorie's clutch:
"But first, what about that bracelet?"
"She's got it," Mallory groaned, slumping from
the heights again.
"Do you mean to say she's still wearing it?"
"How was I to get it?"
"Couldn't you have slipped into her car last night
and stolen it?"
"Good Lord, I shouldn't think you'd want me to
go — why, Marjorie — I'd be arrested!"
But Marjorie set her jaw hard: "Well, you get
that bracelet, or you don't get me." And then her
smouldering jealousy and grief took a less hateful
tone : "Oh, Harry !" she wailed, "I'm so lonely and
so helpless and so far from home."
"But I'm here," he urged.
"You're farther away than anybody," she whim-
pered, huddling close to him.
"Poor little thing," he murmured, soothing her
with voice and kiss and caress.
"Put your arm round me," she cooed, like a
mourning dove, "I don't care if everybody is look-
ing. Oh, I'm so lonely."
"I'm just as lonely as you are," he pleaded, trying
to creep into the company of her misery.
"Please marry me soon," she implored, "won't
you, please?"
"I'd marry you this minute if you'd say the word,"
he whispered.
264 EXCUSE ME!
"I'd say it if you only had that bracelet," she
sobbed, like a tired child. "I should think you would
understand my feelings. That awful person is wear-
ing your bracelet and I have only your ring, and her
bracelet is ten times as big as my r-i-ing, boo-hoo-
hoo-oo!"
"I'll get that bracelet if I have to chop her arm
off," Mallory vowed.
The sobs stopped short, as Marjorie looked up
to ask: "Have you got your sword with you?"
"It's in my trunk," he said, "but I'll manage. *
"Now you're speaking like a soldier," Marjorie
exclaimed, "my brave, noble, beautiful, fearless hus-
band. I'll tell you ! That creature will pass through
this car on her way to breakfast. You grab her
and take the bracelet away from her."
"I grab her, eh?" he stammered, his heroism wa-
vering a trifle.
"Yes, just grab her."
"Suppose she hasn't the bracelet on?" he mused.
"Grab her anyway," Marjorie answered, fiercely.
"Besides, I've no doubt it's wished on." He said
nothing. "You did wish it on, didn't you?"
"No, no — never — of course not — " he protested
"If you'll only be calm. I'll get it if I have to
throttle her."
Like a young Lady Macbeth, Marjorie gave him
her utter approval in any atrocity, and they sat in
ambush for their victim to pass into view.
THE COMPLETE DIVORCEE 265
They had not had their breakfast, but they forgot
it. A dusky waiter went by chanting his "Lass call
for breakfuss in Rining Rar." He chanted it thrice
in their ears, but they never heard. Marjorie was
gloating over the discomfiture of the odious creature
who had dared to precede her in the acquaintance of
her husband-to-be. The husband-to-be was miser-
ably wishing that he had to face a tribe of bolo-
brandishing Moros, instead of this trivial girl whom
he had looked upon when her cheeks were red.
CHAPTER XXXV
MR. AND MRS. LITTLE JIMMIE
MRS. SAMMY WHITCOMB had longed for the sweet
privilege of squaring matters with Mrs. Jimmie Wel-
lington. Sneers and back-biting, shrugs and shud-
ders of contempt were poor compensation for the
ever-vivid fact that Mrs. Wellington had proved
attractive to her Sammy while Mrs. Wellington's
Jimmie never looked at Mrs. Whitcomb. Or if he
did, his eyes had been sc blurred that he had seen
two of her — and avoided both.
Yesterday she had overheard Jimmie vow sobri-
ety. To-day his shining morning face showed that
he had kept his word. She could hardly wait to
begin the flirtation which, she trusted, would render
Mrs. Wellington helplessly furious for six long Reno
months.
The Divorce Drummer interposed and held
Jimmie prisoner for a time, but as soon as Mr. Bau-
mann released him, Mrs. Whitcomb apprehended
him. With a smile that beckoned and with eyes that
went out like far-cast fishhooks, she drew Leviathan
into her net.
266
MR. AND MRS. LITTLE JIMMIE 267
She reeled him in and he plounced in the seat
opposite. What she took for bashfulness was re-
luctance. To add the last charm to her success,
Mrs. Wellington arrived to see it. Mrs. Whitcomb
saw the lonely Ashton rise and offer her the seat
facing him. Mrs. Wellington took it and sat down
with the back of her head so close to the back of
Mr. Wellington's head that the feather in her hat
tickled his neck.
Jimmie Wellington had seen his wife pass by.. To
his sober eyes she was a fine sight as she moved up
the aisle. In his alcohol-emancipated mind the keen
sense of wrong endured that had driven him forth
to Reno began to lose its edge. His own soul ap-
pealed from Jimmie drunk to Jimmie sober. The
appellate judge began to reverse the lower court's
decision, point by point.
He felt a sudden recrudescence of jealousy as he
heard Ashton's voice unctuously, flirtatiously offer-
ing his wife hospitality. He wanted to trounce Ash-
ton. But what right had he to defend from gal-
lantry the woman he was about to forswear before
the world? Jimmie's soul was in turmoil, and Mrs.
Whitcomb's pretty face and alluring smile only an-
noyed him.
She had made several gracious speeches before he
quite comprehended any of them. Then he realized
that she was saying: "I'm so glad you* re going to
stop at Reno, Mr. Wellington."
,68 EXCUSE ME!
"Thank you. So am I," he mumbled, trying to
look interested and wishing that his wife's plume
would not tickle his neck.
Mrs. Whitcomb went on, leaning closer: "We
two poor mistreated wretches must try to console
one another, musn't we?"
"Yes, — yes, — we must," Wellington nodded, with
a sickly cheer.
Mrs. Whitcomb leaned a little closer. "Do you
know that I feel almost related to you, Mr. Wel-
lington?"
"Related?" he echoed, "you?— to me? How?"
"My husband knew your wife so well."
Somehow a wave of jealous rage surged over him,
and he growled: "Your husband is a scoundrel."
Mrs. Whitcomb's smile turned to vinegar: "Oh,
I can't permit you to slander the poor boy behind
his back. It was all your wife's fault."
Wellington amazed himself by his own bravery
when he heard himself volleying back: "And I
can't permit you to slander my wife behind her back.
It was all your husband's fault."
Mrs. Jimmie overheard this behind her back, and
it strangely thrilled her. She ignored Ashton's ex-
istence and listened for Mrs. Whitcomb's next re-
tort. It consisted of a simple, icy drawl: "I think
I'll go to breakfast."
She seemed to pick up Ashton with her eyes as she
glided by, for, finding himself unnoticed, he rose
MB. AND MRS. LITTLE JIMMIE 269
with a careless: "I think I'll go to breakfast," and
followed Mrs. Whitcomb. The Wellingtons sat
dos-a-dos for some exciting seconds, and then on a
sudden impulse, Mrs. Jimmie rose, knelt in the seat
and spoke across the back of it:
"It was very nice of you to defend me, Jimmie —
er — James."
Wellington almost dislocated several joints in
rising quickly and whirling round at the cordiality
of her tone. But his smile vanished at her last word.
He protested, feebly: "James sounds so like a — a
butler. Can't you call me Little Jimmie again?"
Mrs. Wellington smiled indulgently: "Well, since
it's the last time. Good-bye, Little Jimmie." And
she put out her hand. He seized it hungrily and
clung to it: "Good-bye? — aren't you getting off at
Reno?"
"Yes, but "
"So am I — Lucretia."
"But we can't afford to be seen together."
Still holding her hand, he temporized: "We've
got to stay married for six months at least — while
we establish a residence. Couldn't we — cr — couldn't
we establish a residence — er — together?"
Mrs. Wellington's eyes grew a little sad, as she
answered: "It would be too lonesome waiting for
you to roll home."
Jimmie stared at her. He felt the regret in her
voice and took strange courage from it. He hauled
270 EXCUSE ME!
from his pocket his huge flask, and said quickly:
"Well, if you're jealous of this, I'll promise to cork
it up forever."
She shook her head skeptically: "You couldn't."
"Just to prove it," he said, "I'll chuck it out of
the window." He flung up the sash and made ready
to hurl his enemy into the flying landscape.
"Bravo!" cried Mrs. Wellington.
But even as his hand was about to let go, he tight-
ened his clutch again, and pondered: "It seems a
shame to waste it."
"I thought so," said Mrs. Jimmie, drooping per-
ceptibly. Her husband began to feel that, after all,
she cared what became of him.
"I'll tell you," he said, "I'll give it to old Doc
Temple. He takes his straight."
"Fine!"
He turned towards the seat where the clergyman
and his wife were sitting, oblivious of the drama of
reconciliation playing so close at hand. Little
Jimmie paused, caressed the flask, and kissed it.
"Good-bye, old playmate!" Then, tossing his head
with bravado, he reached out and touched the clergy-
man's shoulder. Dr. Temple turned and rose with
a questioning look. Wellington put the flask in his
hand and chuckled: "Merry Christmas!"
"But, my good man " the preacher objected,
finding in his hand a donation about as welcome
MR. AND MRS. LITTLE JIMMIE 271
and as wieldy as a strange baby. Wellington winked:
"It may come in handy for — your patients."
And now, struck with a sudden idea, Mrs. Wel-
lington spoke: "Oh, Mrs. Temple."
"Yes, my dear," said the little old lady, rising.
Mrs. Wellington placed in her hand a small port-
folio and laughed: "Happy New Year!"
Mrs. Temple stared at her gift and gasped:
"Great heavens ! Your cigars !"
"They'll be such a consolation," Mrs. Wellington
explained, "while the Doctor is out with his pa-
tients."
Dr. Temple and Mrs. Temple looked at each
other in dismay, then at the flask and the cigars, then
at the Wellingtons, then they stammered: "Thank
you so much," and sank back, stupefied.
Wellington stared at his wife: "Lucretia, are
you sincere?"
"Jimmie, I promise you I'll never smoke another
cigar."
"My love !" he cried, and seized her hand. "You
know I always said you were a queen among women,
Lucretia."
She beamed back at him : "And you always werd
the prince of good fellows, Jimmie." Then she
almost blushed as she murmured, almost shyly:
"May I pour your coffee for you again this morn-
ing?"
"For life," he whispered, and they moved up the
272 EXCUSE ME!
aisle, arm in arm, bumping from seat to seat and
not knowing it.
When Mrs. Whitcomb, seated in the dining-car,
saw Mrs. Little Jimime pour Mr. Little Jimmie's
coffee, she choked on hers. She vowed that she
would not permit those odious Wellingtons to make
fools of her and her Sammy. She resolved to tele-
graph Sammy that she had changed her mind about
divorcing him, and order him to take the first train
West and meet her half-way on her journey home.
CHAPTER XXXVI
A DUEL FOR A BRACELET
ALL this while Marjorie and Mallory had sat
watching, as kingfishers shadow a pool, the door
wherethrough the girl with the bracelet must pass
on her way to breakfast.
"She's taking forever with her toilet," sniffed
Marjorie. "Probably trying to make a special im-
pression on you."
"She's wasting her time," said Mallory. "But
what if she brings her mother along? No, I guess
her mother is too fat to get there and back."
"If her mother comes," Marjorie decided, "I'll
hold her while you take the bracelet away from the
— the — from that creature. Quick, here she comes
now! Be brave!"
Mallory wore an aspect of arrant cowardice : "Er
_a u T T »
(X 11 JL JL
"You just grab her!" Marjorie explained. Then
they relapsed into attitudes of impatient attention.
Kathleen floated in and, seeing Mallory, she greeted
him with radiant warmth: "Good morning!" and
then, catching sight of Marjorie, gave her a "Good
morning!" coated with ice. She flounced past and
273
274 EXCUSE ME!
Mallory sat inert, till Marjorie gave him a fero-
cious pinch, whereupon he leaped to his feet:
"Oh, Miss — er — Miss Kathleen." Kathleen
whirled round with a most hospitable smile. "May
I have a word with you?"
"Of course you can, you dear boy." Marjorie
winced at this and writhed at what followed : "Shan't
we take breakfast together?"
Mallory stuttered: "I — I — no, thank you — I've
had breakfast."
Kathleen froze up again as she snapped: "With
that — train-acquaintance, I suppose."
"Oh, no," Mallory amended, "I mean I haven't
had breakfast."
But Kathleen scowled with a jealousy of her own:
"You seem to be getting along famously for mere
train-acquaintances."
"Oh, that's all we are, and hardly that," Mallory
hastened to say with too much truth. "Sit down here
a moment, won't you?"
"No, no, I haven't time," she said, and sat down.
"Mamma will be waiting for me. You haven't been
in 'to see her yet?"
"No. You see "
"She cried all night."
"Forme?"
"No, for papa. He's such a good traveler — and
he had such a good start. She really kept the whole
car awake."
A DUEL FOR A BRACELET 275
"Too bad," Mallory condoled, perfunctorily, then
with sudden eagerness, and a trial at indifference:
"I see you have that bracelet still."
"Of course, you dear fellow. I wouldn't be parted
from it for worlds."
Marjorie gnashed her teeth, but Kathleen could
not hear that. She gushed on: "And now we have
met again! It looks like Fate, doesn't it?"
"It certainly does," Mallory assented, bitterly;
then again, with zest : "Let me see that old bracelet,
will you?"
He tried to lay hold of it, but Kathleen giggled
coyly: "It's just an excuse to hold my hand." She
swung her arm over the back of the seat coquettishly,
and Marjorie made a desperate lunge at it, but
missed, since Kathleen, finding that Mallory did not
pursue the fugitive hand, brought it back at once
and yielded it up:
"There — be careful, someone might look."
Mallory took her by the wrist in a gingerly man-
ner, and said, "So that's the bracelet? Take it off,
won't you?"
"Never! — it's wished on," Kathleen protested,
sentimentally. "Don't you remember that evening
in the moonlight?"
Mallory caught Marjorie's accusing eye and lost
his head. He made a ferocious effort to snatch
the bracelet off. When this onset failed, he had
recourse to entreaty: "Just slip it off." Kathleen
276 EXCUSE ME!
shook her head tantalizingly. Mallory urged more
strenuously: "Please let me see it."
Kathleen shook her head with sophistication:
"You'd never give it back. You'd pass it along to
that — train-acquaintance."
"How can you think such a thing?" Mallory de-
murred, and once more made his appeal: "Please
please, slip it off."
"What on earth makes you so anxious?" Kathleen
demanded, with sudden suspicion. Mallory was
stumped, till an inspiration came to him: "I'd like
to — to get you a nicer one. That one isn't good
enough for you."
Here was an argument that Kathleen could appre-
ciate. "Oh, how sweet of you, Harry," she gurgled,
and had the bracelet down to her knuckles, when
a sudden instinct checked her: "When you bring
the other, you can have this."
She pushed the circlet back, and Mallory's hopes
sank at the gesture. He grew frantic at being eter-
nally frustrated in his plans. He caught Kathleen's
arm and, while his words pleaded, his hands tugged:
"Please — please let me take it — for the measure
— you know!"
Kathleen read the determination in his fierce eyes,
and she struggled furiously: "Why, Richard —
Chauncey! — er — Billy! I'm amazed at you! Let
go or I'll scream!"
She rose and, twisting her arm from his grasp,
"v.HV, RICHARD — CHAUNCEY ! — ER — BILLY ! I'M AMAZED AT YOU1.
LET GO, OR I'LL SCREAM !"
A DUEL FOR A BRACELET 277
confronted him with bewildered anger. Mallory
cast toward Marjorie a look of surrender and de-
spair. Marjorie laid her hand on her throat and in
pantomime suggested that Mallory should throttle
Kathleen, as he had promised.
But Mallory was incapable of further violence;
and when Kathleen, with all her coquetry, bent down
and murmured: "You are a very naughty boy, but
come to breakfast and we'll talk it over," he was so
addled that he answered: "Thanks, but I never eat
breakfast."
CHAPTER XXXVII
DOWN BRAKES !
JUST as Kathleen flung her head in baffled vexa-
tion, and Mallory started to slink back to Marjorie,
with another defeat, there came an abrupt shock as
if that gigantic child to whom our railroad trains are
toys, had reached down and laid violent hold on the
Trans- American in full career.
Its smooth, swift flight became suddenly such a
spasm of jars, shivers and thuds that Mallory cried:
"We're off the track."
He was sent flopping down the aisle like a bolster
hurled through the car. He brought up with a sick-
ening slam across the seat into which Marjorie had
been jounced back with a breath-taking slam. And
then Kathleen came flying backwards and landed in
a heap on both of them.
Several of the other passengers were just re-
turning from breakfast and they were shot and scat-
tered all over the car as if a great chain of human
beads had burst.
Women screamed, men yelled, and then while
they were still struggling against the seats and one
another, the train came to a halt.
"Thank God, we stopped in time!" Mallory
278
DOWN BRAKES! 279
gasped, as he tried to disengage himself and Mar-
jorie from Kathleen.
The passengers began to regain their courage
with their equilibrium. Little Jimmie Wellington
had flown the whole length of the car, clinging to
his wife as if she were Francesca da Rimini, and he
Paolo, flitting through Inferno. The flight ended
at the stateroom door with such a thump that Mrs.
Fosdick was sure a detective had come for her at
last, and with a battering ram.
But when Jimmie got back breath enough to talk,
he remembered the train-stopping excitement of the
day before and called out:
"Has Mrs. Mallory lost that pup again?"
Everybody laughed uproariously at this. People
will laugh at anything or nothing when they have
been frightened almost to death and suddenly re-
lieved of anxiety.
Everybody was cracking a joke at Marjorie's ex-
pense. Everybody felt a good-natured grudge
against her for being such a mystery. The car was
ringing with hilarity, when the porter came stumbling
in and paused at the door, with eyes all white, hands
waving frantically, and lips flapping like flannel, in
a vain effort to speak.
The passengers stopped laughing at Marjorie, to
laugh at the porter. Ashton sang out:
"What's the matter with you, Porter? Are you
trying to crow?"
280 EXCUSE ME!
Everybody roared at this, till the porter finally
managed to articulate:
"T-t-t-train rob-rob-robbers !"
Silence shut down as if the whole crowd had been
smitten with paralysis.' From somewhere outside
and ahead came a pop-popping as of firecrackers.
Everybody thought, "Revolvers!" The reports
were mingled with barbaric yells that turned the
marrow in every bone to snow.
These regions are full of historic terror. All
along the Nevada route the conductor, the brakemen
and old travelers had pointed out scene after scene
where the Indians had slaked the thirst of the arid
land with white man's blood. Ashton, who had trav-
eled this way many times, had made himself fasci-
natingly horrifying the evening before and ruined
several breakfasts that morning in the dining-car,
by regaling the passengers with stories of pioneer
ordeals, men and women massacred in burning wag-
ons, or dragged away to fiendish cruelty and obscene
torture, staked out supine on burning wastes with
eyelids cut off, bound down within reach of rattle-
snakes, subjected to every misery that human deviltry
could devise.
Ashton had brought his fellow passengers to a
state of ecstatic excitability, and, like many a re-
counter of burglar stories at night, had tuned his
own nerves to high tension.
The violent stopping of the train, the heart-
DOWN BRAKES! 281
shaking yells and shots outside, found the passengers
already apt to respond without delay to the appeals
of fright. After the first hush of dread, came the
reaction to panic.
Each passenger showed his own panic in his own
way. Ashton whirled round and round, like a horse
with the blind staggers, then bolted down the aisle,
knocking aside men and women. He climbed on a
seat, pulled down an upper berth, and, scrambling into
it, tried to shut it on himself. Mrs. Whitcomb was
so frightened that she assailed Ashton with fury and
seizing his feet, dragged him back into the aisle, and
beat him with her fists, demanding that he protect
her and save her for Sammy's sake.
Mrs. Fosdick, rushing out of her stateroom and
not finding her luscious-eyed husband, laid hold of
Jimmie Wellington and ordered him to go to the
rescue of her spouse. Mrs. Wellington tore her
hands loose, crying: "Let him go, madam. He
has a wife of his own to defend."
Jimmie was trying to pour out dying messages,
and only sputtering, forgetting that he had put his
watch in his mouth to hide it, though its chain was
still attached to his waistcoat.
Anne Cattle, who had read much about Chinese
atrocities to missionaries, gave herself up to death,
yet rejoiced greatly that she had provided a timely
man to lean on and should not have to enter Paradise
a spinster, providing she could manage to convert
282 EXCUSE ME!
Ira in the next few seconds, before it was everlast-
ingly too late. She was begging her first heathen to
join her in a gospel hymn. But Ira was roaring
curses like a pirate captain in a hurricane, and swear-
ing that the villains should not rob him of his bride.
Mrs. Temple wrung her twitching hands and tried
to drag her husband to his knees, crying:
"Oh, Walter, Walter, won't you please say a
prayer? — a good strong prayer?"
But the preacher was so confused that he an-
swered: "What's the use of prayer in an emergency
like this?"
"Walter!" she shrieked.
"I'm on my va-vacation, you know," he stam-
mered.
Marjorie was trying at the same time to compel
Maflory to crawl under a seat and to find a place
to hide Snoozleums, whom she was warning not to
say a word. Snoozleums, understanding only that
his mistress was in some distress, refused to stay in
his basket and kept offering his services and his
attentions.
Suddenly Marjorie realized that Kathleen was
trying to faint in Mallory's arms, and forgot every-
thing else in a determined effort to prevent her.
After the first blood-sweat of abject fright had
begun to cool, the passengers came to realize that
the invaders were not after lives, but loot. Then
came a panic of miserly effort to conceal treasure.
DOWN BRAKES! 283
Kathleen, finding herself banished from Mallory's
protection, ran to Mrs. Whitcomb, who had given
Ashton up as a hopeless task.
"What shall we do, oh, what, oh what shall we
do, dear Mrs. Wellington?" she cried.
"Don't you dare call me Mrs. Wellington!" Mrs.
Whitcomb screamed; then she began to flutter. "But
we'd better hide what we can. I hope the rah-rah-
robbers are ge-gentlemen-men."
She pushed a diamond locket containing a small
portrait of Sammy into her back hair, leaving part
of the chain dangling. Then she tried to stuff a
large handbag into her stocking.
Mrs. Fosdick found her husband at last, for he
made a wild dash to her side, embraced her, called
her his wife and defied all the powers of Nevada
to tear them apart. He had a brilliant idea. In
order to save his fat wallet from capture, he tossed
it through an open window. It fell at the feet of one
of the robbers as he ran along the side of the car,
shooting at such heads as were put out of windows.
He picked it up and dropped it into the feed-bag
he had swung at his side. Then running on, he
clambered over the brass rail of th* observation
platform and entered the rear of the train, as his
confederate, driving the conductor ahead of him,
forged his way aft from the front, while a third
masquerader aligned the engineer, the fireman, tbft
brakeman and the baggagemen.
CHAPTER XXXVIII
HANDS UP!
ALL this time Lieutenant Mallory had been think-
ing as hard as an officer in an ambuscade. His
harrowing experiences and incessant defeats of the
past days had unnerved him and shattered his self-
confidence. He was not afraid, but intensely dis-
gusted. He sat absent-mindedly patting Marjorie on
the back and repeating:
"Don't worry, honey, they're not going to hurt
anybody. They don't want anything but our money.
Don't worry, I won't let 'em hurt you."
But he could not shake off a sense of nausea. He
felt himself a representative of the military prowess
of the country, and here he was as helpless as a
man on parole.
The fact that Mallory was a soldier occurred to
a number of the passengers simultaneously. They
had been trained by early studies in those beautiful
works of fiction, the school histories of the United
States, and by many Fourths of July, to believe that
the American soldier is an invincible being, who has
never been defeated and never known fear.
They surged up to Mallory in a wave of hope.
Dr. Temple, being nearest, spoke first. Having
284
HANDS UP! 285
learned by experience that his own prayers were not
always answered as he wished, had an impulse to
try some weapon he had never used.
"Young man," he pleaded across the back of a
seat, "will you kindly lend me a gun?"
Mallory answered sullenly: "Mine is in my trunk
on the train ahead, damn it. If I had it I'd have
a lot of fun."
Mrs. Whitcomb had an inspiration. She ran to
her berth, and came back with a tiny silver-plated
revolver.
"I'll lend you this. Sammy gave it to me to pro-
tect myself in Nevada !"
Mallory smiled at the .22-calibre toy, broke it
open, and displayed an empty cylinder.
"Where are the pills that go with it?" he said.
"Oh, Sammy wouldn't let me have any bullets.
He was afraid I'd hurt myself."
Mallory returned it, with a bow. "It would make
an excellent nut-cracker."
"Aren't you going to use it?" Mrs. Whitcomb
gasped.
"It's empty," Mallory explained.
"But the robbers don't know that! Couldn't you
just overawe them with it?"
"Not with that," said Mallory, "unless they died
laughing."
Mrs. Wellington pushed forward: "Then what
the devil are you going to do when they come?"
286 EXCUSE ME!
Mallory answered meekly: "If they request it, I
shall hold up my hands."
"And you won't resist?" Kathleen gasped.
"Not a resist."
"And he calls himself a soldier!" she sneered.
Mallory writhed, but all he said was : "A soldier
doesn't have to be a jackass. I know just enough
about guns not to monkey with the wrong end of
'em."
"Coward!" she flung at him. He turned white,
but Marjorie red, and made a leap at her, crying:
"He's the bravest man in the world. You say a
word, and I'll scratch your eyes out."
This reheartened Mallory a little, and he laughed
nervously, as he restrained her. Kathleen retreated
out of danger, with a parting shot: "Our engage-
ment is off."
"Thanks," Mallory said, and put out his hand:
"Will you return the bracelet?"
"I never return such things," said Kathleen.
The scene was so painful and such an anachronism
that Dr. Temple tried to renew a more pressing sub-
ject: "It's your opinion then that we'd best surren-
der?"
"Of course — since we can't run."
Wedgewood broke in impatiently: "Well, I con-
sider it a dastardly outrage. I'll not submit to it.
I'm a subject of His Majesty the "
HANDS UP! 287
"You're a subject of His Majesty the Man Behind
the Gun," said Mallory.
"I shall protest, none the less," Wedgewood in-
sisted.
Mallory grinned a little. "Have you any last
message to send home to your mother?"
Wedgewood was a trifle chilled at this. "D-don't
talk of such things," he said.
And by this time the train-robbers had hastily
worked their way through the other passengers, and
reached the frantic inhabitants of the sleeper, "Snow-
drop."
"Hands up! Higher!! Hands up!"
With a true sense of the dramatic, the robbers
sent ahead of them the most hair-raising yells. They
arrived simultaneously at each end of the aisle, and
with a few short sharp commands, straightened the
disorderly rabble into a beautiful line, with all
.palms aloft and all eyes wide and wild.
One robber drove ahead of him the conductor and
the other drove in Mr. Manning, whom he had
found trying to crawl between the shelves of the
linen-closet.
The marauders were apparently cattlemen, from
their general get-up. Their hats were pulled low,
and just beneath their eyes they had drawn big black
silk handkerchiefs, tied behind the ears and hanging
to the breast.
Over their shoulders they had slung the feed-
288 EXCUSE ME!
bags of their horses, to serve a-s receptacles for
their swag. Their shirts were chalky with alkali
dust. Their legs were encased in heavy chaparejos,
and they carried each a pair of well-used Colt's re-
volvers that looked as big as artillery.
When the passengers had shoved and jostled into
line, one of the men jabbed the conductor in the
back with the muzzle of his gun, and snarled:
"Now speak your little piece, like I learned it to
you."
The conductor, like an awkward schoolboy,
grinned sheepishly, and spoke, his hands in the air
the while :
"Ladies and Gents, these here parties in the black
tidies says they want everybody to hold his or her
hands as high as possible till you git permission to
lower 'em; they advise you not to resist, because
they hate the sight of blood, but prefer it to argu-
ment."
The impatient robbers, themselves the prey of fear-
ful anxieties, broke in, barking like a pair of coyotes
in a jumble of commands: "Now, line up with your
backs that way, and no back talk. These guns
shoot awful easy. And remember, as each party
is finished with, they are to turn round and keep their
hands up, on penalty of gittin' 'em shot off. Line
up! Hands up! Give over there!"
Mrs. Jimmie Wellington took her time about mov-
ing into position, and her deliberation brought a
HANDS UP! 289
howl of wrath from the robber: "Get into that line,
you!"
Mrs. Wellington whirled on him : "How dare you,
you brute?" And she turned up her nose at the
gun.
The anxious conductor intervened: "Better obey,
madame; he's an ugly lad."
"I don't mind being robbed," said Mrs. Jimmie,
"but I won't endure rudeness."
The robber shook his head in despair, and he tried
to wither her with sarcasm: "Pardong, mamselly,
would you be so kind and condescendin' as to step
into that there car before I blow your husband's gol-
blame head off."
This brought her to terms. She hastened to her
place, but put out a restraining hand on Jimmie, who
needed no restraint. "Certainly, to save my dear
husband. Don't strike him, Jimmie I"
Then each man stuck one revolver into its con-
venient holster, and, covering the passengers with the
other, proceeded to frisk away valuables with a
speed and agility that would have looked prettier if
those impatient-looking muzzles had not pointed
here, there and everywhere with such venomous
threats.
And so they worked from each end of the car to-
ward the middle. Their hands ran swiftly over
bodies with a loathsome familiarity that could only
be resented, not revenged. Their hands dived into
290 EXCUSE ME!
pockets, and up sleeves, and into women's hair,
everywhere that a jewel or a bill might be secreted.
And always a rough growl or a swing of the revolver
silenced any protest.
Their heinous fingers had hardly begun to ply,
when the solemn stillness was broken by a chuckle
and low hoot of laughter, a darkey's unctuous laugh-
ter. At such a place it was more shocking than at
a funeral.
"What ails you?" was the nearest robber's
demand.
The porter tried to wipe his streaming eyes with-
out lowering his hands, as he chuckled on: "I — I —
just thought of sumpum funny."
"Funny!" was the universal groan.
"I was just thinking," the porter snickered, "what
mighty poor pickings you-all are goin' to git out of
me. Whilst if you had 'a' waited till I got to 'Frisco,
I'd jest nachelly been oozin' money."
The robber relieved him of a few dimes and quar-
ters and ordered him to turn round, but the black
face whirled back as he heard from the other end
of the car Wedgewood's indignant complaint: "I
say, this is an outrage!"
"Ah, close your trap and turn round, or I'll "
The porter's smile died away. "Good Lawd," he
sighed, "they're goin' to skin that British lion ! And
I just wore myself out on him."
The far-reaching effect of the whole procedure
HANDS UP! 291
was just beginning to dawn on the porter. This lit-
tle run on the bank meant a period of financial
stringency for him. He watched the hurrying hands
a moment or two, then his wrath rose to terrible
proportions :
"Look here, man," he shouted at the robber,
"ain't you-all goin' to leave these here passengers
nothin' a tall?"
"Not on purpose, nigger."
"No small change, or nothin'?"
"Nary a red."
"Then, passengers," the porter proclaimed, while
the robber watched him in amazement; "then, pas-
sengers, I want to give you-all fair warnin' heah and
now : No tips, no whisk-broom !"
Perhaps because their hearts were already over-
flowing with distress, the passengers endured this ap-
palling threat wthout comment, and when there was
a commotion at the other end of the line, all eyes
rolled that way.
Mr. Baumann was making an effort to take his
leave, with great politeness.
"Excoose, pleass. I vant to get by, pleass !"
"Get by!" the other robber gasped. "Why,
you "
"But I'm not a passenger," Mr. Baumann urged,
with a confidential smile, "I've been going through
the train myself."
"Much obliged ! Hand over !" And a rude hand
292 EXCUSE ME!
rummaged his pockets. It was a heart-rending sight.
"Oi oi!" he wailed, "don't you allow no courte-
sies to the profession?" And when the inexorable
thief continued to pluck his money, his watch, his
scarf-pin, he grew wroth indeed. "Stop, stop, I
refuse to pay. I'll go into benkruptcy foist." But
still the larceny continued; fingers even lifted three
cigars from his pockets, two for himself and a good
one for a customer. This loss was grievous, but his
wildest protest was: "Oh, here, my frient, you don't
vant my business carts."
"Keep 'em !" growled the thief, and then, glancing
up, he saw on the tender inwards of Mr. Baumann's
upheld palms two huge glisteners, which their owner
had turned that way in a misguided effort to conceal
the stones. The robber reached up for them.
"Take 'em. You're velcome !" said Mr. Baumannv
with rare presence of mind. "Those Nevada near-
lies looks almost like real."
"Keep 'em," said the robber, as he passed on, and
Mr. Baumann almost swooned with joy, for, as he
whispered to Wedgewood a moment later: "They're
really real!"
Now the eye-chain rolled the other way, for Little
Jimmie Wellington was puffing with rage. The
other robber, having massaged him thoroughly, but
without success, for his pocketbook, noticed that Jim-
mie's left heel was protruding from his left shoe,
and made Jimmie perform the almost incredible feat
HANDS UP! 293
of standing on one foot, while he unshod him and
took out the hidden wealth.
"There goes our honeymoon, Lucretia," he
moaned. But she whispered proudly: "Never mind,
I have my rings to pawn."
"Oh, you have, have you? Well, I'll be your lit-
tle uncle," the kneeling robber laughed, as he over-
heard, and he continued his outrageous search till
he found them, knotted in a handkerchief, under her
hat.
She protested: "You wouldn't leave me in Reno
without a diamond, would you?"
"I wouldn't, eh?" he grunted. "Do you think I'm
in this business for my health?"
And he snatched off two earrings she had forgot-
ten to remove. Fortunately, they were affixed to her
lobes with fasteners.
Mrs. Jimmie was thoroughbred enough not to
wince. She simply commented : "You brutes are al-
most as bad as the Customs officers at New York."
And now another touch of light relieved the
gloom. Kathleen was next in line, and she had been
forcing her lips into their most attractive smile, and
keeping her eyes winsomely mellow, for the robber's
benefit. Marjorie could not see the smile; she could
only see that Kathleen was next. She whispered to
Mallory :
"They'll get the bracelet! They'll get the brace-
let!"
294 EXCUSE ME!
And Mallory could have danced with glee. But
Kathleen leaned coquettishly toward the masked
stranger, and threw all her art into her tone as she
murmured :
"I'm sure you're too brave to take my things.
I've always admired men with the courage of Claude
Duval."
The robber was taken a trifle aback, but he
growled: "I don't know the party you speak of — but
cough up!"
"Listen to her," Marjorie whispered in horror;
"she's flirting with the train-robber."
"What won't some women flirt with!" Mallory
exclaimed.
The robber studied Kathleen a little more atten-
tively, as he whipped off her necklace and her rings.
She looked good to him, and so willing, that he mut-
tered: "Say, lady, if you'll give me a kiss, I'll give
you that diamond ring you got on."
"All right!" laughed Kathleen, with triumphant
compliance.
"My God!" Mallory groaned, "what won't some
women do for a diamond!"
The robber bent close, and was just raising his
mask to collect his ransom, when his confederate
glanced his way, and knowing his suceptible nature,
foresaw his intention, and shouted: "Stop it, Jake.
You 'tend strictly to business, or I'll blow your nose
off."
HANDS UP! 295
"Oh, all right," grumbled the reluctant gallant, as
he drew the ring from her finger. "Sorry, miss, but
I can't make the trade," and he added with an un-
wonted gentleness: "You can turn round now."
Kathleen was glad to hide the blushes of defeat,
but Marjorie was still more bitterly disappointed.
She whispered to Mallory : "He didn't get the brace-
let, after all."
CHAPTER XXXIX
WOLVES IN THE FOLD
MALLORY'S heart sank to its usual depth, but Mar-
jorie had another of her inspirations. She startled
everybody by suddenly beckoning and calling: "Ex-
cuse me, Mr. Robber. Come here, please."
The curious gallant edged her way, keeping a
sharp watch along the line: "What d'you want?'*
Marjorie leaned nearer, and spoke in a low tone
with an amiable smile: "That lady who wanted to
kiss you has a bracelet up her sleeve."
The robber stared across his mask, and won-
dered, but laughed, and grunted: "Much obliged."
Then he went back, and tapped Kathleen on the
shoulder. When she turned round, in the hope that
he had reconsidered his refusal to make the trade,
he infuriated her by growling: "Excuse, me, miss,
I overlooked a bet."
He ran his hand along her arm, and found her
bracelet, and accomplished what Mallory had
failed in, its removal.
"Don't, don't," cried Kathleen, "it's wished on."
"I wish it off," the villain laughed, and it joined
the growing heap in the feed-bag.
296
WOLVES IN THE FOLD 29?
Kathleen, doubly enraged, broke out viciously:
"You're a common, sneaking "
"Ah, turn round!" the man roared, and she obeyed
in silence.
Then he explored Mrs. Whitcomb, but with such
small reward that he said: "Say, you'd oughter have
a pocketbook somewheres. Where's it at?"
Mrs. Whitcomb blushed furiously: "None of your
business, you low brute."
"Perdooce, madame," the scoundrel snorted, "per-
dooce the purse, or I'll hunt for it myself."
Mrs. Whitcomb turned away, and after some
management of her skirts, slapped her handbag into
the eager palm with a wrathful: "You're no gentle-
man, sir!"
"If I was, I'd be in Wall Street," he laughed.
"Now you can turn round." And when she turned,
he saw a bit of chain depending from her back hair.
He tugged, and brought away the locket, and with
laying the tress on her shoulder, and proceeded to
sound Ashton for hidden wealth.
And now Mrs. Temple began to sob, as she parted
with an old-fashioned brooch and two old-fashioned
rings that had been her little vanities for the quarter
of a century and more. The old clergyman could
have wept with her at the vandalism. He turned on
the wretch with a heartsick appeal:
"Can't you spare those? Didn't you ever have a
mother?"
298 EXCUSE ME!
The robber started, his fierce eyes softened, his
voice choked, and he gulped hard as he drew the
back of his hand across his eyes.
"Aw, hell," he whimpered, "that ain't fair. If
you're goin' to remind me of me poor old mo-mo-
mother "
But the one called Jake — the Claude Duval who
had been prevented from a display of human senti-
ment, did not intend to be cheated. He thundered :
"Stop it, Bill. You 'tend strictly to business, or I'll
blow your mush-bowl off. You know your Maw
died before you was born."
This reminder sobered the weeping thief at once,
and he went back to work ruthlessly. "Oh, all right,
Jake. Sorry, ma'am, but business is business." And
he dumped Mrs. Temple's trinkets into the satchel.
It was too much for the little old lady's little old
husband. He fairly shrieked:
"Young man, you're a damned scoundrel, and the
best argument I ever saw for hell-fire!"
Mrs. Temple's grief changed to horror at such a
bolt from the blue: "Walter!" she gasped, "such
language!"
But her husband answered in self-defence : "Even
a minister has a right to swear once in his lifetime."
Mallory almost dropped in his tracks, and Mar-
jorie keeled over on him, as he gasped : "Good Lord,
Doctor Temple, you are a — a minister?"
"Yes, my boy," the old man confessed, glad that
WOLVES IN THE FOLD 299
the robbers had relieved him of his guilty secret
along with the rest of his private properties. Mai-
lory looked at the collapsing Marjorie, and groaned:
"And he was in the next berth all this time !"
The unmasking of the old fraud made a second
sensation. Mrs. Fosdick called from far down the
aisle: "Dr. Temple, you're not a detective?"
Mrs. Temple shouted back furiously: "How dare
you?"
But Mrs. Fosdick was crying to her luscious-eyed
mate: "Oh, Arthur, he's not a detective. Embrace
me!"
And they embraced, while the robbers looked on
aghast at the sudden oblivion they had fallen into.
They focussed the attention on themselves again,
however, with a ferocious: "Here, hands up!" But
they did not see Mr. and Mrs. Fosdick steal a kiss
behind their upraised arms, for the robber to whose
lot Mallory fell was gloating over his well-filled
wallet. Mallory saw it go with fortitude, but noting
a piece of legal paper, he said: "Say, old man, you
don't want that marriage license, do you?"
The robber handled it as if it were hot — as if he
had burned his fingers on some such document once
before, and he stuffed it back in Mallory's pocket.
"I should say not. Keep it. Turn round."
Meanwhile the other felon turned up another
beautiful pile of bills in Dr. Temple's pocket. "Not
300 EXCUSE ME!
so worse for a parson," he grinned. "You must be
one of them Fifth Avenue sky-shaffures."
And now Mrs. Temple's gentle eyes and voice
filled with tears again : "Oh, don't take that. That's
the money for his vacation — after thirty long years.
Please don't take that."
Her appeals seemed always to find the tender
spot of this robber's heart, for he hesitated, and
called out: "Shall we overlook the parson's wad,
podner?"
"Take it, and shut up, you mollycoddle!" was the
answer he got, and the vacation funds joined the old
gewgaws.
And now everybody had been robbed but Marjorie.
She happened to be at the center of the line, and
both men reached her at the same time: "I seen
her first," the first one shouted.
"You did not," the other roared.
"I tell you I did."
"I tell you I did." They glared threateningly
at each other, and their revolvers seemed to meet,
like two game cocks, beak to beak.
The porter voiced the general hope, when he
sighed: "Oh, Lawd, if they'd only shoot each other."
This brought the rivals to their evil senses, and
they swept the line with those terrifying muzzles and
that heart-stopping yelp : "Hands up !"
Bill said: "You take the east side of her, and I'll
take the west."
WOLVES IN THE FOLD 301
"All right."
And they began to snatch away her side-combs, the
little gold chain at her throat, the jewelled pin that
Mallory had given her as the first token of his love.
The young soldier had foreseen this. He had
foreseen the wild rage that would unseat his reason
when he saw the dirty hands of thieves laid rudely
on the sacred body of his beloved. But his soldier-
schooling had drilled him to govern his impulses, to
play the coward when there was no hope of success-
ful battle, and to strike only when the moment was
ripe with perfect opportunity.
He had kept telling himself that when the finger
of one of these men touched so much as Marjorie's
hem, he would be forced to fling himself on the pro-
fane miscreant. And he kept telling himself that the
moment he did this, the other man would calmly
blow a hole through him, and drop him at Mar-
jorie's feet, while the other passengers shrank away
in terror.
He told himself that, while it might be a fine im-
pulse to leap to her defence, it was a fool im-
pulse to leap off a precipice and leave Marjorie alone
among strangers, with a dead man and a scandal, as
the only rewards for his impulse. He vowed that
he would hold himself in check, and let the robbers
take everything, leaving him only the name of cow-
ard, provided they left him also the power to defend
Marjorie better at another time.
302 EXCUSE ME!
And now that he saw the clumsy-handed thugs
rifling his sweetheart's jewelry, he felt all that he had
foreseen, and his head fought almost in vain against
the white fire of his heart. Between them he trem-
bled like a leaf, and the sweat globed on his fore-
head.
The worst of it was the shivering terror of Mar-
jorie, and the pitiful eyes she turned on him. But he
clenched his teeth and waited, thinking fiercely,
watching, like a hovering eagle, a chance to swoop.
But the robbers kept glancing this way and that,
and one motion would mean death. They themselves
were so overwrought with their own ordeal and its
immediate conclusion, that they would have killed
anybody. Mallory shifted his foot cautiously, and
instantly a gun was jabbed into his stomach, with a
snarl: "Don't you move!"
"Who's moving?" Mallory answered, with a poor
imitation of a careless laugh.
And now the man called Bill had reached Mar-
jorie's right hand. He chortled: "Golly, look at the
shiners."
But Jake, who had chosen Marjorie's left hand,
roared :
"Say, you cheated. All I get is this measly plain
gold band."
"Oh, don't take that!" Marjorie gasped, clench-
ing her hand.
Mallory's heart ached at the thought of this final
WOLVES IN THE FOLD 303
sacrilege. He had the license, and the minister at
last — and now the fiends were going to carry off the
wedding ring. He controlled himself with a desper-
ate effort, and stooped to plead : "Say, old man, don't
take that. That's not fair."
"Shut up, both of you," Jake growled, and jabbed
him again with the gun.
He gave the ring a jerk, but Marjorie, in the very
face of the weapon, would not let go. She struggled
and tugged, weeping and imploring: "Oh, don't,
don't take that! It's my wedding ring."
"Agh, what do I care!" the ruffian snarled, and
wrenched her finger so viciously that she gave a little
cry of pain.
That broke Mallory's heart. With a wild, bel-
lowing, "Damn you !" he hurled himself at the man,
with only his bare hands for weapons.
CHAPTER XL
A HERO IN SPITE OF HIMSELF
PASSION sent Mallory into the unequal fight with
two armed and desperate outlaws. But reason had
planned the way. He had been studying the robber
all the time, as if the villain were a war-map,
studying his gestures, his way of turning, and how
he held the revolver. He had noted that the man,
as he frisked the passengers, did not keep his finger
on the trigger, but on the guard.
Marjorie's little battle threw the desperado off
his balance a trifle ; as he recovered, Mallory struck
him, and swept him on over against the back of a
seat. At the same instant, Mallory's right hand
went like lightning to the trigger guard, and gripped
the fingers in a vise of steel, while he drove the man's
elbow back against his side. Mallory's left hand
meanwhile flung around his enemy's neck, and gave
him a spinning fall that sent his left hand out for
balance. It fell across the back of the seat, and Mal-
lory pinioned it with elbow and knee before it could
escape.
All in the same crowded moment, his left knuckles
jolted the man's chin in air, and so bewildered him
304
A HERO IN SPITE OF HIMSELF 305
that his muscles relaxed enough for Mallory's right
fingers to squirm their way to the trigger, and aim
the gun at the other robber, and finally to get entire
control of it.
The thing had happened in such a flash that the
second outlaw could hardly believe his eyes. The
shriek of the astounded passengers, and the grunt of
Mallory's prisoner, as he crashed backward, woke
him to the need for action. He caught his other
gun from its holster, and made ready for a double
volley, but there was nothing to aim at. Mallory
was crouched in the seat, and almost perfectly cov-
ered by a human shield.
Still, from force of habit and foolhardy pluck,
Bill aimed at Mallory's right eyebrow, just abaft
Jake's right ear, and shouted his old motto :
"Hands up! you!"
"Hands up yourself!" answered Mallory, and his
victim, shuddering at the fierce look in his com-
rade's eyes, gasped: "For God's sake, don't shoot,
Bill!"
Even then the fellow stood his ground, and de-
bated the issue, till Mallory threw such ringing de-
termination into one last: "Hands up, or by God, I'll
fire!" that he caved in, lifted his fingers from the
triggers, turned the guns up, and slowly raised both
hands above his head.
A profound "Ah!" of relief soughed through the
car, and Mallory, still keeping his eye on Bill, got
306 EXCUSE ME!
down cautiously from the seat. The moment he re-
leased Jake's left hand, it darted to the holster
where his second gun was waiting. But before he
could clutch the butt of it, Mallory jabbed the muzzle
of his own revolver in the man's back, and growled:
"Put 'em up!" And the robber's left hand joined
the right in air, while Mallory's left hand lifted the
revolver, and took possession of it.
Mallory stood for a moment, breathing hard and
a little incredulous at his own swift, sweet triumph.
Then he made an effort to speak as if this sort of
thing were quite common with him, as if he over-
powered a pair of outlaws every morning before
breakfast, but his voice cracked as he said, in a
drawing-room tone:
"Dr. Temple, would you mind relieving that man
of those guns?"
Dr. Temple was so set up by this distinction that
he answered: "Not by a "
"Walter!" Mrs. Temple checked him, before he
could utter the beautiful word, and Dr. Temple
looked at her almost reproachfully, as he sighed:
"Golly, I should like to swear just once more."
Then he reached up and disarmed the man who
had taken his wallet and his wife's keepsakes. But
the doctor was not half so happy over the recovery
of his property as over the unbelievable luxury of
finding himself taking two revolvers away from a
masked train-robber.
A HERO IN SPITE OF HIMSELF 307
American children breathe in this desperado ro-
mance with their earliest traditions, and Dr. Temple
felt all his boyhood zest surge back with a boy's tre-
mendous rapture in a deed of derring-do. And now
nothing could check his swagger, as he said to Mai-
lory:
"What shall we do with these dam-ned sinners?"
He felt like apologizing for the clerical relapse
into a pulpitism, but Mallory answered briskly:
"We'd better take them into the smoking room.
They scare the ladies. But first, will the conductor
take those bags and distribute the contents to their
rightful owners ?"
The conductor was proud to act as lieutenant to
this Lieutenant, and he quickly relieved the robbers
of their loot-kits.
Mallory smiled. "Don't give anybody my things,"
and then he jabbed his robber with one of the re-
volvers, and commanded: "Forward, march!"
The little triumphal procession moved off, with
Bill in the lead, followed by Dr. Temple, looking
like a whole field battery, followed by Jake, followed
by Mallory, followed by the porter and as many of
the other passengers as could crowd into the smoking
room.
The rest went after those opulent feed-bags.
CHAPTER XLI
CLICKETY-CLICKETY-CLICKETY
MARJORIE, as the supposed wife of the rescuing
angel, was permitted first search, and the first thing
she hunted for was a certain gold bracelet that was
none of hers. She found it and seized it with a
prayer of thanks, and concealed it among her own
things.
Mrs. Temple gave her a guilty start, by speaking
across a barrier:
"Mrs. Mallory, your husband is the bravest man
on earth."
"Oh, I know he is," Marjorie beamed, and added
with a spasm of conscience: "but he isn't my hus-
band!"
Mrs. Temple gasped in horror, but Marjorie
dragged her close, and poured out the whole story,
while the other passengers recovered their proper-
ties with as much joy as if they were all new gifts
found on a bush.
Meanwhile, under Mallory's guidance, the porter
fastened the outlaws together back to back with the
straps of their own feed-bags. The porter was re-
joicing that his harvest of tips was not blighted after
all.
308
CLICKETY-CLICKETY-CLICKETY 309
Mallory completed his bliss, by giving him Dr.
Temple's brace of guns, and establishing him as
jailer, with a warning: "Now, porter, don't take
your eye off 'em."
"Lordy, I won't bat an eyelid."
"If either of these lads coughs, put a hole through
both of 'em."
The porter chuckled: "My fingers is just a-itchin'
fer them lovin' triggers."
And now Mr. Baumann, having scrambled back
his possessions, hastened into the smoking room, and
regarded the two hangdog culprits with magnificent
generosity; he forgave them their treatment. In
fact, he went so far as to say: "You gents vill be
gettin' off at Reno, yes? You'll be needing a good
firm of lawyers. Don't forget us. Baumann" (he
put a card in Bill's hat) "and Blumen" (he put a
card in Jake's hat) . "Avoid substitoots."
Mallory pocketed two of the captured revolvers,
lest a need might arise suddenly again. As he hur-
ried down the aisle, he was received with cheers.
The passengers gave him an ovation, but he only
smiled timidly, and made haste to Marjorie's
side.
She regarded him with such idolatry that he al-
most regretted his deed. But this mood soon passed
in her excitement, and in a moment she was surrep-
titiously showing him the bracelet. He became an
accessory after the fact, and shared her guilt, for
310 EXCUSE ME!
when she groaned with a sudden droop: "She'll get
it back!" he grimly answered, "Oh, no she won't!"
hoisted the window, and flung the bracelet into a lit-
tle pool by the side of the track, with a farewell:
"Good-bye, trouble !"
As he drew his head in, a side glance showed him
that up near the engine a third train-robber held the
miserably weary train crew in line.
He found the conductor just about to pull the bell-
rope, to proceed. The conductor had forgotten all
about the rest of the staff. Mallory took him aside,
and told him the situation, then turned to Marjorie,
said: "Excuse me a minute," and hurried forward.
The conductor followed Mallory through the train
into the baggage coach.
The first news the third outlaw had of the counter-
revolution ' occurring in the sleeping car was a
mysterious bullet that flicked the dust near his heel,
and a sonorus shout of "Hands up !" As he whirled
in amaze, he saw two revolvers aimed point blank
at him from behind a trunk. He hoisted his guns
without parley, and the train crew trussed him up in
short order.
Mallory ran back to Marjorie, and the conductor
followed more slowly, reassuring the passengers in
the other cars, and making certain that the train was
ready to move on its way.
Mallory went straight to Dr. Temple, with a
burning demand:
CLICKETY-CLICKETY-CLICKETY 311
"You dear old fraud, will you marry me?"
Dr. Temple laughed and nodded. Marjorie and
Mrs. Temple had been telling him the story of the
prolonged elopement, and he was eager to atone for
his own deception, by putting an end to their
misery.
"Just wait one moment," he said, and as a final
proof of affection, he unbuttoned his collar and put
it on backwards. Mrs. Temple brought out the dis-
carded bib, and he donned it meekly. The trans-
formation explained many a mystery the old man had
enmeshed himself in.
Even as he made ready for the ceremony, the con-
ductor appeared, looked him over, grinned, and
reached for the bell-cord, with a cheerful: "All
aboard!"
Mallory had a sort of superstitious dread, not
entirely unfounded on experience, that if the train
got under way again, it would run into some new
obstacle to his marriage. He turned to the conduc-
tor:
"Say, old man, just hold the train till after my
wedding, won't you?"
It was not much to ask in return for his services,
but the conductor was tired of being second in com-
mand. He growled :
"Not a minute. We're 'way behind time."
"You might wait till I'm married," Mallory
pleaded.
312 EXCUSE ME!
"Not on your life!" the conductor answered, and
he pulled the bell-rope twice; in the distance, the
whistle answered twice.
Mallory's temper flared again. He cried: "This
train doesn't go another step till I'm married!" He
reached up and pulled the bell-rope once ; in the dis-
tance the whistle sounded once.
This was high treason, and the conductor ad-
vanced on him threateningly, as he seized the cord
once more. "You touch that rope again, and
I'll "
"Oh, no, you won't," said Mallory, as he whisked
a revolver from his right pocket and jammed it into
the conductor's watch-pocket. The conductor came
to attention.
Then Mallory, standing with his right hand on
military duty, put out his left hand, and gave the
word: "Now, parson."
He smiled still more as he heard Kathleen's voice
wailing: "But I can't find my bracelet. Where's my
bracelet?"
"Silence ! Silence !" Dr. Temple commanded, and
then: "Join hands, my children."
Marjorie shifted Snoozleums to her left arm, put
her right hand into Mallory's, and Dr. Temple,
standing between them, began to drone the ritual.
Exerybody said they made a right pretty picture.
When the old clergyman had done his work, the
young husband-at-last graciously rescinded military
CLICKETY-CLICKETY-CLICKETY 313
law, recalled the artillery from the conductor's very
midst, and remembering Manila, smiled:
"You may fire when ready, conductor."
The conductor's rage had cooled, and he slapped
the bridegroom on the back with one hand, as he
pulled the cord with the other. The train began to
creak and tug and shift. The ding-dong of the bell
floated murmurously back as from a lofty steeple,
and the clickety-click, click-clickety-click quickened
and softened into a pleasant gossip, as the speed
grew, and the way was so smooth for the wheels that
they seemed to be spinning on rails of velvet.
THE END
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