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An exhausting work of reference 

to un-certain English words, their 

origin, meaning, legitimate 

and illegitimate use, 

confused by 



Executed by 


Master of Vholly^ "Doctor of Loguacious 

Lunacy^ Yellow of the "Royal 

Qibe Society^ etc.^ etc. 

Cover designed by E. B. BIRD 

GROSSET & DUNLAP, Publishers 

52 Duane Street . . . New York 

Copyright, 1904, hy The 
Robinson, Luce Company 
Boston, Ms:s., U. H. A. 




W^ho first heard these lines 

And didn't run awav 


I Reverently Dedicate 

This Tome 

A Fool may give a W^ise Man counsel.' 

P r e f a c e 

In this age of the arduous 
pursuit of peace, prosperity and 
pleasure, the smallest contribu- 
tion to the gaiety, if not to the 
wisdom, of nations can scarcely 
be unwelcome. With this in 
mind, the author has prepared 
*'The Foolish Dictionary," not 
in serious emulation of the 
worthier — and wordier — works 
of Webster and Worcester, but 
rather in the playful spirit of the 
parodist, who would gladly direct 
the faint rays from his flickering 


candle of fun to the shrine of 
their great memories. 

With half a million English 
words to choose from, modesty 
has been the watchword, and 
the author has confined himself 
to the treatment of only about 
half a thousand. How wise, 
flippant, sober or stupid, this 
treatment has been, it is for the 
reader alone to judge. How- 
ever, if from epigram, derivative 
or pure absurdity, there be born 
a single laugh between the lids, 
the laborer will accredit himself 
worthy of his hire. 

In further explanation it should 
be said that some slight deference 


has been made toother wits, and 
the definitions include a few 
quotations from the great minds 
of the past and present. As for 
the rest, the jury will please ac- 
knowledge a plea of guilty frorr 

Gideon Wurdz. 


Bet Between. 

Dist. -..-.- Distinguish. 

Eng English. 

Fr French. 

Ger German. 

Grk , . Greek. 

Lat I,atin. 

Syn , . Synonym. 

V. i Verb intransitive. 

V. t Verb transitive. 

It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel. 

Distilled waters run deep. 


BSINTHE From two Latin words, ad, 
and sinistrum, meaning " to the bad." 
If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, " Ab- 
sinthe makes the jag last longer)." 


From the Persian ab, water, and 
stein^ or tankard. Hence, water 
tankard, or " water wagon." 

ACCESSION A beheading process by which 
you may either win or lose a political job. 
Old spelling. Axe-session. 

ACCIDENT A condition of affairs in which pre- 
sence of mind is good, but absence of body 

ADAMANT From " Adam's Aunt," reputed to 
be a hard character. Hence, anything tough, 
or hard. 

ADORE From add, annex, and ore, meaning 
wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry 
American heiresses adore them. 


ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer 
and given away by your mother-in-law, but 
impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous 
as the one thing which it is " More blessed to 
give than receive." GOOD ADVICE Some- 
thing old men give young men when they can 
no longer give them a bad example. 

ADVERSITY A bottomless lake, surrounded 
by near-sighted friends. 

AFFINITY Complimentary term for your hus- 
band or your wife. Sometimes a synonym 
for "Your finish." 

AFTERTHOUGHT A tardy sense of prudence 
that prompts one to try to shut his mouth 
about the time he has put his foot in it. 

AGE Something to brag about in your wine- 
cellar and forget in a birth-day book. The 
boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an 
old maid. 

ALCOHOL A liquid good for preserving almost 
everything except secrets. 


A political office known as the 
Crook's Road to Wealth. From 
Eng. ail, and Greek derma, mean- 
ing skin — "all skin." 

ALIMONY An expensive soothing syrup, pre- 
scribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleed- 
ing heart. (Old spelling, allay money). 


ALLOPATHY From Eng. all, everybody, and 
Grk. piithos, pain. Pain for everybody. 
HOMCEOPATHY From Grk. homoios, same, 
and pathos. Pain, just the same. 

ALPHABET A toy for the children found in 
books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. 
Contains 26 letters and only three syllables. 

ANCESTORS The originators of the Family 
Tree, a remarkable sex parodox in which 
the Ann sisters are always the four fathers- 

ANGEL A heavenly ineligible, with wings and 
a harp ; or, an earthly eligible, with money 
and a heart. 

ANTE-ROOMS Euphemistic term for Canfield's, 
New York City. 

ANTI-IMPERIALIST A patriot whose con- 
science works overtime. 

ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered 
by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively 
used in the arts — particularly poker. 

APPENDICITIS A modern pain, costing about 
$200 more than the old-fashioned stomach- 

ARGUMENT Breaking and entering the ear, 
assault and battery on the brain and disturb- 
ing the peace- 

ARSON Derived from the Hebrew. (See IN- 


ARTIST Commonly, the individual long haired 
and short-suited, having a positive pose and 
an uncertain income. Often shy on meal- 
tickets but strong on technique and the price 
of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a 
barber,a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski. 


2£^i>\(l M<i.^ A dignified bunch of muscles, un- 
able to split wood or sift the 

AUGUR One ^vho bored the ancients with 


-^^jr^Tw From Eng. ought to, and Lat. 

--^-i=^ o / tnoveo, to move. A vehicle which 

ought to move, but frequently 

AUTOMBILIST A land lubber on wheels made 
up to resemble a deep sea diver. 

F'ne feathers make fine feather-bedSo 

A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure. 



From Grk. habai, wonder- 
ful. Parents are yet to be 

heard from who don't think 

theirs is a "wonder." 

A noctural animal to which everyone in 
a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth. 

BACHELOR From Latin baculiis, a stick, un- 
attached. Hence, an unattached man, which 
any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on. 

BACKBITER A mosquito. 

BALANCE Something wanted by book-keepers 
and often lost by topers. May be found in a 
cash-book or the kangaroo gait. 

BANDIT An outlaw. See ALDERMAN. 

BARBER A brilliant conversationalist, who 
occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for 

BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, 
prisons, courts and music. (Those found in 
courts and in music are full of beats). 



A disease common to women, 
caught in the Sunday papers and 
developed in department stores 
on Mondays. Symptoms, loud 
talk, pushing and shoving, a 
combination prize-fight and foot- 
ball scrimmage. (Old spelling 


BASEBALL A game in which the young man 
who bravely strikes out for himself receives 
no praise for it. 

BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and 
never found without the rest of the firm, as it 
takes several high-balls to make one short 

BEACH A strip of sand, skirted by water; 
covered with lady-killers in summer, life- 
savers in winter, and used as a haven — or 
heaven — for Smacks the year around. 

BENEDICT A married male. 
BENEDICTINE A married female. 
BENEDICTION Their children. 

BERTH An aid to sleep, invented bv Pullman. 

Lower preferred. 
BIRTH An aid to life, discovered by Woman. 

Higher preferred. 


BICYCLE-SKIRT A abbreviated garment that 
makes women look shorter and men longer. 

BIGAMY A form of insanity in which a man 
insists on paying three board bills instead of 

BILLIOUSNESS A liver complaint often mis- 
taken for piety. 

BILL-OF-FARE A list of eatables. Dis- 
tinguished from Menu by figures in the right- 
hand column. 

BIOGRAPH A stereopticon picture taken vnth 
a chill and shown with tremors. 

BIRDIE A term a woman is apt to apply to a 
man she is playing for a jay. 

BIRTHDAY Anniversary of one's birth. Ob- 
served only by men and children. 

BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale. 
The useless product of a live baby. 

BLUE The only color we can feel. INVISIBLE 
BLUE A policeman. 

BLUSH A temporary erythema and calorific 
effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized 
by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a 
predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of 
shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a 
paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular fila- 
ments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being 
divested of their elasticity, they become 
suffused with a radiance emanating from an 
intimidated praecordia. 


BOARD An implement for administering cor- 
poral punishment, used by mothers and land- 
ladies. " The Festive Board " may be a 
shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a 
stewed prune supper. 

BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A land flow- 
ing with canned milk and distilled honey and 
untroubled by consistency, convention, con- 
science or cash. A land to which many are 
called and few chosen. 

BONE One Dollar — the original price of a wife. 
Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone be- 
fore he got Eve. 

BONNETS A female head trouble, which is 
contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks 
out on Easter. 

BOODLE Money, born of poor, but dishonest 
parents, and taken in by the Graft family. 

BORROW v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin. 

BOWER A shady retreat, in general. 
BOWERY A shady retreat in New York. 

BRACE Security for the trousers. 
BRACER Security for the stomach. 
BRACELET Security for the pawn-broker. 


BRAIN The top-floor apartment in the Human 
Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by 
the Sarah Sisters — Sarah Brum and Sarah 
Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All 
three are nervous, but are always confined to 
their cells. The Brain is done in gray and 
white, and furnished with light and heat, hot 
or cold water, (if desired), with regular 
connections to the outside world by way of 
the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the 
Intellect Bros., — Thoughts and Ideas — as 
an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let 
to Jag, Hang-Over & Co. 

BRAND Something carried on the hip, by either 
beast or man. Can be found on the outside 
of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long, 
black bottle. 

BRASS BAND A clever though somewhat 
complicated arrangement for holding a crowd 

BRICK An admirable person made of the right 
sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand- 
What your friends call you before you go to 
the wall — but never afterward. 

BRIMSTONE A little bit of Hades, which finds 
its match on earth and smells to heaven. 
Better to strike it here than in the hereafter. 

BREVITY A desirable quality in the Fourth of 
July oration but not in the fireworks. 

BROKE A word expressing the ultimate con- 
dition of one who is too much bent on specu- 


BUM A fallen tough. 
BUMP A tough fall. 

BUNCO The art of disseminating knowledge in 
the rural districts. 

BY-STANDER One who is injured in a street 

People who live in glass houses should aress in 
the dark. 


Don't put all your eggs in one basket — try an 


AB Affair for a drive. 

CABBY Driver for a fare. 


The hysterical Ha-Ha." Syn. for 

^ ftLs-^' 

•^1 '^-■^'^^, Carrie Nation. 


CADDIE A small boy, employed at a liberal 
stipend to lose balls for others and find them 
for himself. 

CAFE A place where the public pays the pro- 
prietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters 
for something to eat- 

CAJOLE V. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and 
Kng. jolly, to jolly beautifully. 

CALCIUM An earthly light that brightens even 
the stars. 

CANNIBAL A heathen hobo who never works, 
but lives on other people. 


CAPTIVATE From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. 
vacate, or empty, — to empty the head. Note, 
^A^omen who have captivated men. 

CAPE A neck in the sea. 
CAPER A foot in the air. 


A mania for burning money. Con- 
tracted in a Pennsylvania blast fur- 
K-^^w nace, developed in a Scotch castle 
'.(-^^^■^ and now epidemic in American public 

CART V. t.. To take off. 
CARTOON The take-off. 

CAULIFLOWER A Cabbage with a college 

CAVALRY That arm of the military service 
that engages in the real hoss-tilities. 

CEMETERY The one place where princes and 
paupers, porters and presidents are finally on 
the dead level. 

CHAMPAGNE The stuff that makes the world 
go round. 

T H K F O O 1. 1 vS 1 1 DICTIONARY. 

CHAIR Four-legged aid to the injured. 
CHARITY Forehanded aid to the indigent 

CHAUFFEUR A man who is smart enough to 
operate an automobile, but clever enough not 
to own one. 

CHRISTIAN A member of any orthodox church. 

CHRISTMAS A widely observed holiday on 
which the past nor the future is of so much 
interest as the present. 

CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radic- 
ally from ours. 

CIGARETTE A weed whose smoke, some 
say, should never be inhaled, and still more 
insist should never be exhaled. 

CINDER One of the first things to catch your 
eye in travelling. 

CIVILIZATION An upward growth or tendency 
that has enabled mankind to develop the 
college yell from what was once only a feeble 

COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see 
but many ask to call again. 

COLLEGE From Fr. coUe. pasted or stuck, and 
etude, study. A place where everyone is 
stuck on study. (?) 


A male resident of Kentucky. 

COMPLIMENT v. t., From Eng. con, — hot air, 
and Lat. pleo, to fill. Hence, to fill with hot 

COMPLEXION Color for the face. From 
Eng. complex, difficult, and shun, to avoid. 
To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist. 

COMMENDATION From Eng. con, a josh, and 
mend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up josh. 

CONDUCTOR From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco, 
to command. One who commands the coin. 

CONSCIENCE The fear of being found out. 

COOK A charitable institution, providing food 
and shelter for Policemen. 

CORPS A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. 
cores found in apples and corps found in 
arms) . 

CORSET From Fr. corps, shape, and sec, rough. 
Rough on the shape. 

COSMETIC A new face-maker. From Grk. 
kosmos, order, and Eng. medic, or doctor, — 
ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.) 


COT A snooze for one. 
COTILLON A dance for eight. 

CREDIT Something for nothing. 
CREDITOR Something with nothing. 

CREDULITY A feminine virtue and a mascu- 
line vice. 

CREMATION A means of disposing of the 
dead likely to become very popular, especially 
with women who are so fond of having the 
last retort. 

CRITIC A wet blanket that soaks everything it 

CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in 
Law & Order Ave- A Misfit in the Straight 
and Narrow Way. 

CROW A bird that never complains without 

CULTURE A degree of mental development 
that produces tailor-made women, fantastic- 
ally-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses- 

CUPID A driver of sharp darts- 
CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals- 

CYNIC A man who knows the price of every- 
thing and the value of nothing. 

All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One. 

Out of fight, out of coin. — The Pugilist's Plaint . 


ABBLE V. t., To play in water. 

DABBLE IN STOCKS — Same thing. 

DACHSHUND A low-down dog. 

DANCE A brisk, physical exercise, invented by 
St. Vitus. 

DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the 
Family Tree and spread on the leaves of 
history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches, 
which are often associated). 

DEAD Without life- See Boston. 
DEADER Pompeii. 
DEADEST Philadelphia. 

DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by 
sponging it. 

DEBT A big word beginning w^ith Owe, which 
grows bigger the more it is contracted. 

' <^' ;M^5 An Oyster Bay localism, de- 
ii^^5J» rived from delighted. 

(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word were formerly the 
exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq. Since re-election, 
the word has become obsolete ) 


DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to loaf, and 
Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer. 

DEMAGOGUE From Grk. demos, people, and 
Eng. gag. One who gags the people- 

DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded 
on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by 
Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and 
on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman. 

DEN A cavity. 

DENT To punch. 

DENTIST One who punches the face and fills 

DEUCE An honest card, in fact the only one 
that is never known to beat tray. 


An old rascal mentioned in the 
Bible, now reported engaged to 
Mary McLane. 

DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which 
sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to 
the defects of the man proffering it. 

r>IARY An honest autobiography. A good 
keepsake, but a bad give-away. 


DIGNITY A narrow, unstable bearing which 
mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when 
they have no other support. 

DICKENS An author; polite term for the devil. 

DIE An effect. 

DIET Frequently a cause. 

DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a 
pretty woman's smile. 

DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elas- 
tic conscience and a rubber neck. 

DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of 

DISCRETION An instinctive perception that 
enables us to say, " Oh, shut up !" to the 
small, weak man, and " I beg your pardon, 
but I do not entirely agree with your views," 
to the large, strong one. 

DIVE A gambler's retreat. 
DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward. 

DIVORCE Nominally, separation of husband 
and wife from the bonds of matrimony- In 
the vicinity of Nev^^port it is frequently a legal 
formula that immediately precedes a fashion- 
able wedding. 

DOCK A place for laying up. 
DOCTOR One who lays you up. 


DREAM ^A^hat a man may call a woman, though 
a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts 
are dreams because they seldom come true ; 
wives, because they're often a night-mare j 
and both because they go by contraries. 

DRAFT (DRAUGHT) ^A^hat gives a cold, 
cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill. 

DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery 
designed to prevent the men from paying too 
much attention to the open-work, "peek-a- 
boo " shirt-waist. 

DRUM Something noisy, and made to beat. 

DRUMMER Something noisy, but impossible 
to beat. From the Grk. drimus, meaning 
sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always 
carries its point and sticks w^hoever it can. 

DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out. 


^ X^^^ The peroration of ari anarchist's 


DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad 

Out of sight, only in mind. — ballad of the Blind 


A word to the wise is useless. 

^/^AGLE The national bird of a Christian 
'Ip' country ; (the United States.) Presumably 
^^ chosen on account of its being a bird of pray. 

EARL A title of nobility. 

EARLY A title of stupidity. See old saw, 
" Early to bed and early to rise, 
Makes a man a farmer ! ' ' 


A solid substance, much de- 
sired by the seasick. 

ECHO The only thing that can cheat a woman 
out of the last word. 

ECONOMY Denying ourselves a necessary to- 
day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow. 

^__ A wholesome, yet fowl, product, 
^ "^^ of no use until broken. Some- 
.^^ times a cure for indigestion or bad 



Ii|js^ A penodical picnic for the American 
People, Held in booths, where the 
Voter puts in his ballot, and The Ma- 
chine elects whatever it chooses. A 
day when the low^liest may make their 
mark and even beggars may ride ; 
when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and 
everything is full — particularly the lodging- 

ENCORE A greedy theatre-goers desire to get 
more than his money's worth. From the 
Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig, — common 
among pigs. 

ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the 
salubrious calm that precedes the real hostil- 

ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times 
as much as he belives and believes four times 
as much as a sane man ought to. 

EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above 
about the one who lies beneath. 


An imaginary line around the 
earth. Recently held by J. P. 

ERR To make a mistake. 
ERRATIC Full of mistakes. 


ETHER One of the world's three great com- 
posers — the others being Gas and Chloro- 
form — whose airs are popular among the 

ETIQUETTE A convenient code of conduct 
w^hich makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness 
a righteous deed. 

EVOLUTION A clever trick performed by one 
Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam. 

EXCURSION From ex. former, and Grk. kairo, 
to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey — 
formerly an enjoyment — sold at half price. 

EXERCISE Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000 
gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible 
raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub 
and the wood-pile. 

EXPANSION A combination of Grand Larceny 
and Piracy, involving the destruction of the 
Constitution and Declaration of Independence. 
— Boston. 

The benevolent assimilation of previously 
oppressed peoples — Washington, B.C. 

A doubtful commercial experiment. — Wall 

The white man's burden. — Kipling. 

EXPLOSION A good chance to begin at the 
bottom and work up. 

EXPOSITION An overgrown Department Store, 
usuallv opened a year or two behind time. 

It's never too late to spendo 


A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet. 


ACE A fertile, op in expanse, lying mid- 
^vay between collar button and scalp, and 
full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop 
of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a 
lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops, 
spinach or full lace curtains. The female face 
product is powder, whence the expression, 
" Shoot off your face." Each is supplied 
with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes. 

FAILURE The quickest method known for 
making money. 

FEINT A pugilist's bluff. 
FAINT A woman's bluff. 

FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an 
ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a 
broken finger a diamond ring and a " touch " 
an invitation to dine. 

FAKE A false report. 
FAKIR A false reporter 


FAME Having a brand of cigars named after 


Originally a wife and several 
children, a matter of pride to the 
possessor. Now obsolete among 
the careful, or confined to the 
wife, a bull pup and a canary bird. 

FARE. The cost of a ride. See old adage, 
" Only the brave can work their fare." 

FAULT About the only thing that is often found 
where it does not exist. 

FICTION. The Constitutional fiat that "all men 
are created equal." 

FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the 
virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune. 

FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves 
that is detestable stubbornness in others. 

FIG Nothing. Note, " I don't care a fig," etc. 

FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to 
nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B. C. and occa- 
sionally revived by Bostonian Art Com- 

FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some 
laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on 


FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found 
in cities, in which are confined harmless 
monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a 
Sardine Box. 

FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of 
but not swallowed. 

FLUE An escape for hot air. 
FLUENCY The art of releasing the same. 

FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color 
to the cheek, or hand, caused by bodily — or 
poker — heat. 

FLY A familiar summer boarder who mingles 
with the cream of society, gets stuck on the 
butter and leaves his specs behind. 

FLY-SCREEN An arrangement for keeping flies 
in the house. 

FOOT The understanding of a girl from the 

FOOT-PATH Chicago, 111. 

FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on 
prize-fights under the guise of a reputable 




One who is eligible to the 
police force. From Grk. 
fero, to carry off;, and enara, 
spoils. One who carries on 
the spoils. 

FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown 
w^hen a man who knows, patiently listens to 
a fool who does not. 

FRANC Twenty cents, in French. 

FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German. 
Derived from frank, open, and fortitude, 
meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten 
by the brave. 

FROST An old flame after the engagement is 
broken off. 

FUN Joy. 

FUNCTION Devoid of joy. 

As ye sew, so shall ye rip. 


Money makes the mayor go. — Proverbs 0/ Politics, 


ALLON From the Fr. galonner, to make 
tight. Note, one is sufficient. 

GALLANTRY This word is now almost 
obsolete. It w^as formerly employed to ex- 
press a deferential attention on the p-ar* of the 
man who in a crowded car gave up his seat 
to the ladies. 

GAMBLER From the G'-k. gitmnos, stripped 
to the skin. And the gambler's the one that 
does it. 

GARDEN From the Fr. garantir, to make 
good. Hence, a place where lovers make 

GARLIC From Grk. gar, for, and Lat. Uceor, to 
bid. Good for the biddies. 

GEM A breakfast muffln. With the newly 
married, syn. for " a precious stone." 

GERM A bit of animal life living in water. 

More animal life, living on 

GIRAFFE The champion rubber-neck of the 
world, and the longest thirst on record. 

GLOBE An all-round proposition which has 
furnished its shareholders a living for several 
thousand years, though its stock is two-thirds 

GOAT The honored founder and oldest in- 
habitant of Harlem, N. Y. Elsewhere, not 
in good odor. 

GOLF An excuse for carrying unconcealed 
weapons and a Scotch breath. 

GONDOLA A pleasure craft which plies in 
Venice, at World's Fairs and other popular 
watering places- From Eng. gone, and Lat. 
dolor, sadness, or Eng. dollar. Sadness gone; 
also, a gone dollar. 

GORE Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs 
but never spilled in French duels. 


GOSSIP Derived either from the Grk. gups, 
vulture, or Fr. gosier, wind-pipe. Hence, a 
vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an 
exercise of the wind-pipe from which every 
victim gets a blow. 

GOUT The undesirable scion of High Living, 
which frequent the lowest joints and is 
mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes. 

GOWN From Lat. gaiidium, joy. A thing of 
beauty and a joy forever ; if from Paris, gen- 
erally an article of some ^A^orth. 

GUNPOWDER A black substance much em- 
ployed in marking the boundary lines of 

GUM A substance for sticking. 

GUM-GAME A game in which some one is 

GUTTER A school in which we may study the 
dregs of humanity or read the reflection of 
the stars. 

There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel. 

Where there's a will there's a lawsuit, 


"AIR-DRESSER A linguist whose position 
in life enables him to do his head-work 
\vith his hands. 

HAMMER A small, busy implement carried by 
blacksmiths, geologists and Knockers for 
breaking iron, rock or friendship. 

HAMMOCK From the Lat. hamus, hook, and 
Grk. niakar, happy. Happiness on hooks. 
Also, a popular contrivance whereby love- 
making may be suspended but not stopped 
during the picnic season. 

HAND A much desired possession, supplied by 
The Damsel or The Dealer. GLAD HAND. 
The beggar's plea, the politician's sceptre 
and the drummer's ablest assistant. 

HANDMAIDEN A manicure. 

HARANGUE The tiresome product of a tire- 
less tongue. From Eng. hear, and Lat. dngor^ 
pain. Painful to hear. 

HARMONY From the Grk. arnumi, strain. 
Hence, full of strains. 


HATCH To develop eggs. 

HATCH\VAY Place for developing eggs ; a 

HAY-FEVER A heart trouble caused by falling 
in love with a grass widow- 

HEARSE Seen on the dead. 
HEARSAY Heard on the dead. 

HEARSE A handsome vehicle in which the 
man who has always been a tail-ender is 
finally permitted to lead the procession. 

HEART A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, play- 
ed by beats, and enjoyed only after it is lost 
or given away. 

HEAVE To raise. 

HEAVEN A good place to be raised to. 

HEDGE A fence. 

HEDGEHOG One who hogs the fences. A Bill- 

HELL Poverty. 

HEREDITY The cause of all our faults. From 
Fr. here, wretch, and Eng. ditty, song. The 
song of the wretched. 


A transferable ticket to the 
Haul of Fame. Once held by 
Hobson and Dewey, now carried 
by Cassie Chadwick and 
Brother Dowie. 

HIP A popular location for the retail liquor 


HISTORY The evil that men do. 

HIT A chance for first place, first base or first 

HOCK V. t. To "soak" what we least need. 
In Germany, they generally " Hoch the 

HOMCEOPATHY See Allopathy. 

HOOT MON ! The Scottish National Hymn. 

HOP To skip. 
HOPPER A skipper. 

HOPE A desire for better things to come that 
makes a grass widow willing to try it again. 
Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes honored, 
but generally extended. 


HORN A sharp point. 
HORNET Still sharper. 

HORSE-SENSE A degree of wisdom that 
keeps one from betting on the races. 

HOSE Man's excuse for wetting the w^alk. 

HOSIERY Woman's excuse for walking in 
the wet. 

HOTEL A place where a guest often gives up 
good dollars for poor quarters. 

HOUSECLEANING A domestic upheaval 
that makes it easy for the government to 
enlist all the soldiers it needs. 

HUG A roundabout way of expressing affection. 

HUMOR An outbreak, either of skin or brains 
frequently branded as Rash. 

HUNGER Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart. 

HUSBAND The next thing to a wife. From 
Eng. hussy, woman, and bond, tie. Tied to a 

HYDRANT From Grk. hudros, water, and Eng. 
ante, to give up. Something that gives up 
water. (A good synonym for Dipsomaniac.) 

HYPOCRITE A horse dealer. From Grk. 
hippos, horse, and krofeo, to beat. One who 
beats you on a horse trade. 

Home is where the mortgage ia. 


Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star. 
St age- Door Secrets. 


CE A substance frequently associated with 
a tumble in winter, a tumbler in summer, 
and a skate the year around. 

ICEMAN A cool proposition who has Axe-cess 
to the best families, makes his Weigh in 
every home and can take his Pick in the 
kitchen, if he leaves his Chips in the street. 
" How'd You Like to be The Iceman?" 

IDIOT From Eng. idea, and out. One who is 
just out of ideas. 

IDLE Useless. 

IDOLIZE To make useless. 

IMPECUNIOUS To be in a state of poverty- 
From Eng. in. and Lat. p9CC0, to sin, poverty 
being the greatest of all sins- 

IMPERIOUS From Eng. imp, devil and aerial, 
airy. Airy as the devil. 

I '•^\)Il^^ From Lat. incendo, to bum, and 
Q r "^gic^w^jM Eng. cent, meaning money. 

^>i2s» p^^ invention for burning 

INCOME The reliable offspring of a wise in- 
vestment. From Lat. in and coma, meaning 
sleep. Money which works while you sleep. 

INDEPENDENCE Self government. Good 
enough for a Cuban, but too good for a 

INDIGESTION A distressing stomach trouble 
that is sometimes temporarily relieved by 
kicking the cat or w^hipping the children. 

INDIVIDUALITY A harmless trait possessed 
by one's self. The same trait in others is 
downright idiocy. 

INDORSE To write on the back of; the best 
indorsed man in town being the Sandwich- 

.INFANT A disturber of the peace. 
INFANTRY A defender of the peace. 

INHABITANT A native of any village, town or 
Champion Liar. 

INTUITION A fictitious quality in females — 
really Suspicion. 


IRRITANT Something which irritates. COUN- 
TER IRRITANT A woman shopping. 

ISLAND A place where the bottom of the sea 
sticks up through the w^ater. 

ISOLATION From Eng. ice, meaning cold, and 
Lat. iolus, alone. Alone in the a)ld. 

After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile- 
And every meal's a supper to the Hobo- 


Lies have no legs — That's why we all have to 
stand for them. 

^I^ACK An instrument requiring a strong arm, 
tI and used for raising heavy weight-s, or for 
^^ pulling off the boots- 

JACK-POT An instrument requiring a strong 
hand, and used for raising heavy bets, or for 
pulling off the stakes- 

JAG From the Spanish word \figci, meaning a 
load packed on the outside of a van- In 
America the load is packed on the inside of a 


A pantry composition in A 

JANITOR From jangle, to quarrel, and torrid, 
meaning hot- Hot and quarrelsome - 

JELLY- CAKE Synonym for Belly- Ache. 

JERSEY Well knit. 

NEW JERSEY Well bit- (See Mosquito). 


v^, JEW'S HARP From 

ff?P Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp, 

'^'^': a musical instrument, the 

Jew's musical instrument 

being a "Sell low!" (Old 

spelling, Cello). 

JIMMY An implement employed by men of 
acquisitive natures who cannot afford seats in 
the Stock Exchange. 

JOB An uncertain commodity regulated by 
a Union Card. 

JOCKEY From jog, to move slowly, and key, 
something that makes fast. Hence, one who 
makes the pace fast or slow, according to 
instructions , 

JOINT Either a low limb from the butcher, or 
a low quarter in town ; in either case the 
lower the tougher. 

JOKE A form of humor enjoyed by some and 
misunderstood by most ; in England, requir- 
ing a diagram, raised letters and a club. 

JOLLY V. t., To "con" or "josh." 
JOLLY BOAT The Ship of State. 

JUDGE One who sits on a bench in a court, 
frames sentences and finishes crooks for a 
living, and swears continually. 

JULEP An insidious friend from the South, 
who hands you a mint and gives you a sweet 
spirit, followed shortly by a Bun. 


JURY Twelve men chosen to decide who has 
the better lawyer. 

JUSTICE Fair play ; often sought, but seldom 
discovered, in company with Law. 

A chip of the old block — A daughter of the 

One man's meat is another man's finish — Canned 
Beef in Cuba. 

^^y^ANGAROO A hard drinker from Australia, 
1f\ especially fond of hops, and generally 
^^^ carrying a load. 

KATYDID A gossiping grasshopper who is 
always meddling in Katy's affairs. 

KEEPSAKE Something given us by someone 
we've forgotten. 

KERNELS or COLONELS Articles often found 
in cores (or corps) and frequently surrounded 
by shells. 


An alleged provider of heat and 
light. From Lat. cams, meaning 
expensive and seneo, to be weak ; 
expensive but w^eak. For further 
explanation, consult Standard Oil 
^^0M Company. 

A frequent test for sobriety. 

KID Either a boxing-glove or a first-bom. In 
either case, hard to handle until well tanned. 


KILTS A Scotchman's apology for indecent 

KINDRED From Eng. kin, meaning relation, 
and dread, meaning fear; fearful relations. 

KINDERGARTEN From Ger. hinder, chil- 
dren, and Lat. garritus, a babbling. A 
place for babbling children. 

KINDLING-WOOD From Ger. kind, youth, 
and Eng. linger, to loaf. A place where 
youth generally loafs. 

KISS Nothing divided by two ; meaning per- 
secution for the infant, ecstasy for the 
youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and 
homage for the old. 

KISS An indescribable something that is of 
no value to any one, but is much prized 
by the right two. 

KNOCKER A device on doors for rousing 
people; also, a device on foot for the same 

Laugh-in-one's-sleeve — The direct route to the 

Two heads are better than one — particularly on 
a Barrel of Money. 


ACE Among women, lace means lesson ; 
wherefore they combine art and thrift by- 
lessening the waist. 

LACONIC Shy on words. From Eng. lack, 
meaning want, and connection ; want of con- 

LAMP A light. 

LAMPONED To be lighted on. 

LARD Fat. 
LARDER A fattener. 

LARK A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night 
hawks. Also, an early rising singing-bird. 
(Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and " up with 
the lark," an impossible combination). 

LASSIE One of the weaker sex. 
LASSITUDE Slightly weaker. 

LAUD Praise for the Almighty. 
LAUDANUM Prays for himself — after taking. 

XwAUNDRY A place where clothes are mangled. 


LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human 
countenance, voluntary or involuntary, super- 
induced by a concatenation of external cir- 
cumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, 
ludicrous* jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious 
or fanciful nature and accompanied by a 
cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle 
gurgle, guffaw or roar. 

LA^WER One who defends your estate against 
an enemy, in order to appropriate it to him- 

LECTURE An entertainment at which it costs 
but little to look intelligent. 


From Lat. lego, to bring together, 
and latro, to bark or bluster ; pos- 
sibly from lex, law, and latens, un- 
known. Hence, a company of men 
(brought together to bluster, or a 
company of law makers who know 
nothing about law. 

LEISURE From ',l(iiy. and sure ; assured 

LENT A Church fast that is slow to go; or 
something loaned which is slow to come back. 

LIE A very poor substitute for the truth but the 
only one discovered up to date. 

LIMBURGER A native of Germany strong 
enough to do housework ; well recommend- 
ed for cleaning out the dining-room. 


LIBRARY From Fr. Ubre, meaning free, and 
proper name ANDY. Something free from 
Andy Carnegie. 

LINKS Found in sausages and golf courses, and 
both full of hazards. 

LION A cruel beast who never patronizes the 
barber and is always bearded in his den, yet 
w^ill furnish a close shave if you get near 


The edible lobster is found off the 
^\ New England Coast. The two-legged 
ii^l!-.^ species is found everywhere. All 
^'^ kinds are green, but when roasted turn 
^^a bright red. Soubrettes are very de- 
pendent on both varieties for a living ; 
together they furnish her with food, 
raiment, fiats, diamonds, and occasionally indi- 

LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish ordered at 
hotels by those who usually get beans at 

LOVE A man's insane desire to become a 
woman's meal-ticket. 

LOVER An ardent admirer who says, " Yes, 
dearest, I will shovel the snow of the lake 
so that we can go skating !" and, after marriage 
remarks, " What ! Shovel the snow off the 
walk for you? Well, I should say not! I'm no 
chore boy." 

Hell is paved with good intentions — also asbestos. 


A fool and his wife are soon parted. 
See Alimony. 


AGAZINE A receptacle for explosives, 
literary or mechanical. 

MAGNATE One who can float capital in a con- 
siderable body of water. From Lat. magnus, 
great, and nator; to swim; a great swimmer. 

MAIDEN LADY A term applied to an old maid 
by those who wish to avoid hurting her 

MALT A humble grain which often gets into a 
ferment, cools off and becomes Stout in its 
old age. 

MAN Something that " Goes first on four feet, 
then two feet, then three, but the more feet 
it goes on the weaker it be !" 

MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking 
terms with the head waiter. 

MANICURE The only woman who can beat a 
carpenter at soaking nails. 

MANNERS A difficult symphony in the key of 
B natural. 

MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In 
the United States, only Twain. 

MASCULINE From Grk. tnaskos, girl, and 
eukolos, easy. Easy for the girls. 

MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in. 


MATRIMONY A game for women, in which 
the unmarried half are trying to find a husband 
and the married half trying not to be found 
out by one. Both halves are eminently suc- 

MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute 
bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by 

MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave 
but both hands on your wallet. " Hello, 
Central ! Give me Heaven !" 

MELODEON An alleged musical instrument, 
popular at home, but unpopular next door. 
From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without. 
Warranted without melody. 

MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mixture, and 
Ger. riechen, to smell. A mixture of smells. 

MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail, 
and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One who fails to 

METER The gas man's trysting place. " Meet 
her in the cellar !" 

MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind. 

MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar. 

MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its 
nightly lay in every city. 

MIRACLE A woman who won't talk. 


MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH 
MIST A cloudburst. 

MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives 
a young man when she knows she is going to 
make it chilly for him. 

MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity 

MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverish- 
ing others. From Grk. monux, swift-footed, 
and polloi, the people. A swift kick for the 

MOON The only lighting monopoly that never 
made money. 

MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. 
gag, to choke. A lawyer's invention for 
choking property to death. 

MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to 
make us think better of flies. 

MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is al- 
ways in the hole. And the only ones who try 
to get him out are his enemies. 


^3 The frequent cause of a rise in 

All gone to 6's and 7*s — Ladies* Footwear in 

Time and tide wait for no man — But time always 
stands still for a woman of thirty. 

^^ATURE The author of "The Seasons," an 

4-X^ interesting work over which Spring 

^ ^ pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns 

the leaves while Winter catches the drift of 

it all. 

NECK A close connection between chin and 
chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs, 
jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, 
hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber 

NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER 
One who doesn'^t. 

NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your 
affairs than yourself. 


-^^^ ^"'^'iJI Breaking the hair-brush on the 

disobedient scion, then making him 
pay for a new one- See revised 
version, "Spare the rod and spoil 
Ei the hair- brush !" 


" NEXT " The barberous password to the 
heaven of the shaved and the unshaved. 

NIP Something bracing from without or within 
When felt in the air, it's a frost. When 
found in a glass, a life saver. 

NOBILITY A gang of foreign brigands having 
abducent designs on the American Damsel 
and the American Dollar. 

NON-CONDUCTOR The motorman. 

NOSE A prominent member of the face family, 
usually a Greek or Roman, who owns the 
shortest bridge in the world. He is often 
stuck up in company, but frequently blows 
himself when he has his grippe. Principal 
occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, 
snorting and scenting, intruding in the neigh- 
bors' affairs, stuffing himself without per- 
mission and bleeding for others. 

NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The substance of 
things long hoped for, the evidence of things 
not seen." 

NOVEL A fabric that is often (k)nit in print, 
though the yarn be well spun. 


One who keeps setting up the 
drinks after you're all in. 

Out of the frying-pan into the face — Mothers' 


Many hands make light work — also^a good Jack- 



A popular device for catch- 
ing crabs. 

OATS England's horse-feed, America's break- 
fast and Scotland's table-d'hote. 

OATH A form of speech that has many trials in 
court, but is never tried in Sunday School. 


A surplus gone to waist. 


OCEAN An old toper who is always soaked, 
has many a hard night along the coast, floats 
fnany a schooner, lashes himself into a fury 
because so frequently crossed, and has his 
barks in every port. At sea, the king of the 
elements ; on shore, a mere surf. 

OLEOMARGARINE The White Bread's 
Burden. From Eng. olio, a mixture, and Grk. 
margino, to be furious. A furious mixture. 

OMNIBUS A test for Patience, still popular in 
England. From Grk. oneiros, dream, and 
haino, to go or move. A dream of motion. 

■ONION The all-round strength champion of the 
Vegetable Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being 
close rivals. 

OPERA A drama that has taken on airs and 
refuses to speak, yet always sings its own 
praises. GRAND OPERA An excuse for 
displaying several boxes of jewelry and 
peaches with pedigrees. 

OPINION The prodigal son of Thought. PUB- 
LIC OPINION The world's champion 
pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a 
hard fought bout. 

OPIUM The real author of " The Dream Book." 

OPTIMISM A cheerful frame of mind that en- 
ables a tea-kettle to sing though in hot water 
up to its nose- 

ORCHARD The small boy's Eden of today, in 
which the apple again occasions the fall. 


OSTRICH The largest and heaviest bird on 
earth, yet rated by his owners only as 
a featherweight. 

OUTSKIRTS The only garments which clothe 
many a metropolis with decency. 

OVEN The only sport who enjoys an equally 
hot time with or without the dough. 

Handsome is what hansoms charge. 

Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick. 


AIN A sensation experienced on receiving 
a Punch, particularly the London one. 

PALMISTRY A plausible excuse for holding 

PANTS Trousers* Country Cousins. 


A successful method for getting the drop 
on the Earth. 


PARAGON The model man a woman regrets 
she gave up for the one she mistakenly 

PARENTS One of the hardships of a minor's 

PASS A form of transportation issued free to 
those who are quite able to pay. 

PASSENGER One who does not travel on a 
pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng. 
pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up. 
One who has to give up to go. 

PARROT An individual who can never be 
held responsible for what he says. 

PASTRY A deadly weapon carried by cafes, 
cooks and newly married housekeepers. 

PATRIOT One who is willing to take all of 
Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump. 


^' If V. t., To keep property in the 
_ family by leaving it all with 
your Uncle. 

PAWNBROKER A mercenary man to whom 
money is the one redeeming quality. 

PEACE A mythical condition of tranquillity 
frequently reported from the Phillipines. 


PEACH A popular synonym for Fair Woman, 
probably because the peach is largely a skin 
and stony at heart. 

PEARL A small round product manufactured by 
an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a 

PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and 
intent, meaning determination. One who de- 
termines for the right. 

PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And 
sometimes red. 

PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried 
the children of Israel ; today, one who worries 
only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and 
tino, to punish. One who barks to punish. 

PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the 
people publicly a small percentage of the 
wealth he steals from them privately. 

PHILOSPHER One who instead of crying over 
spilt milk consoles himself with the thought 
that it was over four-fifths water. 

PHILOSOPHY Something that enables the 
rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor. 

PIANO A tool frequently used in building a 
Rough House. 

PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance 
— of remarkable penetration and true as steel, 
seldom loses its head, follows its own bent 
and carries its point in whatever it undertakes. 


PING-PONG A game invented for the benefit 
of furniture and crockery dealers. 

PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind 
when he beholds the children of a w^oman 
who might have married him instead. 

PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which 
a man and woman attempt a correct imitation 
of a pair of icicles — and never succeed. 

PLENTY A desirable condition that is likely to 
step out whenever Extravagance steps in. 

PLUM A fruit that ripens and falls from the 
Political Tree — but only after careful grafting. 

PLUMB To ascertain the capacity of. 

PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of 
your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and 
gets away with the money — a process vul- 
garly known as "a lead-pipe cinch." 

POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a 
pole, the longer the pole the better. 


n 7^< A never present help in time of 

POLYGAMY A thoughtless way of increasing 
the family expenses. 


POLYGLOT A parrot that can swear in several 

POSTSCRIPT The only thing readable in a 
woman's letter. 

PRETZEL The bar-keeper's promoter. 

PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes 
of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe- 
lacings for the giant. Monopoly. 

PRO and CON Prefixes of opposite meaning. 
For example. Progress and Congress. 

PRUDE A native of Boston. 

PRUDENCE A quality of mind that restrains 
the wise boarder from trying to find out how 
his landlady makes her hash. 

PRUDERY A quality that displays a lack of 
modesty as a wig does a loss of hair. 

PRUNE A plum that has seen better days : the 
boarding-house veteran and the landlady's 
pet ; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved. 

PUGILIST A close-fisted party who is often 
roped in but never gives up till he's out. 

PULLMAN PORTER A legalized train-robber. 

PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London, 
chronicling the death of Humor. 

Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill — Try 
gold, silver, copper or radium — there's 
more in it. 

Charity begins at home — but ends when you 
reach The Cook. 


UACK The Duck family's favorite physi- 


iMilrdlll JC^ ll V. t. , To shrink — a characteristic 

of the bird when ordered in a 


QUEEN One entitled to rule a nation, make up 
a deck, or beat a knave- 

QUESTION Is marriage a failure ? 

QUEUE The only Mongolian line connecting 
America and China. 

QUORUM A clumsy individual, all Ayes and 
Noes, who is seldom on hand when needed. 

Faint heart never won fair lady — but a full purse 
can always pull the trick. 


Man proposes, then woman imposes. 

^5rt ABBIT A small rodent, very similar to a 
^f\ hare, which feeds on grass and burrows in 
'^^the earth. WELSH RABBIT More like a 

string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the 


RACE-TRACK An interesting locality, where 
pools are bought and sold in books and the 
heat never interferes with the search for the 

RADIUM A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging 
radial rays of radio-activity, raised to radical 
rates and regarded as a ruthless rake-off in the 
reign of riches within the arrayed radius 
of a raging, raving and raided race. 

RAG-TIME Music pulled into many pieces — 
the invention of a flannel-mouth to which 
many have cottoned. 

RAPID TRANSIT A municipal myth, circulat- 
ed for the amusement of the long suffering 
— and slow moving — public- 


REFORM In general, a periodic epidemic, 
starting with marked heat, followed by a high 
fever, and accompanied by a flow^ of ink in 
the newspapers, a discharge of words from 
the face and a rush of blood to the polls, 
leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the 
next campaign. In New York, reform has 
been confined to a Low attempt at govern- 

REFORMER One who, when he smells a rat. 
is eager to let the cat out of the bag. 


The only autograph album which 
it costs you money to ^vrite in. 

REGRETS An excuse for non-attendance at a 
social function. Occasionally, an expression 
of sorrow ; usually, a paean of praise at de- 
liverance from evil. 

RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who 
haven't the remotest knowledge of how to 
live nor the smallest instinct about when to 

RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in 
this world who will be warm enough with- 
out one in the next. 

R. E. MORSE A veteran General who com- 
mands the largest army in the world. 


REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back. 

REPUTATION A personal possession, frequent- 
ly not discovered until lost. 

RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annually 
— for a few hours — by a rich New Yorker 
or Bostonian. 

RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashion- 
ed on the first day of January and usually 
broken on the second- 

RESORT (SUMMER) A place where the tired 
grow more tired. From Eng. rest^ and Grk, 
ori^o, to limit. A place where rest is limited. 

REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union 
Card for life. 

RESTAURANT An institution for the spread 
of dyspepsia. From Lat- restauro, to repair, 
and Grk. anti, against. After patronizing, 
you're "up against repairs." 

RHETORIC Language in a dress suit. 

RICE An effective field-piece, used for assault- 
ing Chinamen or the newly-married. 

ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor 
puts it easily in the first rank. 

ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on 
the East Aurora turf. From Fr. roi, king, 
and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of 


RUMOR The long-di-tance champion of the 
Human Race — a monster with more tales 
than an octopus. 

RUST Physical dullness. 
RUSTIC Mental dullness. 

Beggars should never be choosers — though the 
beggar often chews what he begs. 

A miss is as good as her smile. 

ADDUCEE A person holding skeptical 
religous views. Hopeless, hence sad you 

SAILOR A man who makes his living on watel 
but never touches it on shore. 

SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make 
both ends meat. 

SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days. 

SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to 
get a hanging. 

SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly 
corners corn, without caws. 

SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry. 

SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes 
faces and busts. 


SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a re- 
spectable crook. 

SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at 
sea, but a four-time winner as an " ad." for 
tea — and Sir T. 

SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for 
a living. 

SHIRT Every man's bosom friend- 

SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by 
Presidential impossibilities. 

SINNER A stupid person who gets found out. 

SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a 
man with ginger to take the cake. 

SNORE An unfavorable report from head- 

SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its 
pipes on cultivated grounds. 

SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians 
and jugglers. From Lat- Spadix, branch, or 
fork, and ge stamen, burden. A burden for the 

SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspon- 
dent, who drops a line by every post. 

STARS The greatest astronomers known, having 
studded the heavens for ages. 

STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in 
reforming women. 


STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A 
Rainy Day. 

STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and 
sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an invest- 
ment ; if you lose, a speculation. 



? A movable cylinder used as a re- 
cepatcle for smoke and profanity. 

SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but 
now obsolete except in poetry and the Old 
Farmer's Almanac. 

SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks 
have flown. 

SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may 
enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace, 
disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot 
and rebellion. These events are allowed by 
law, and the entry-fee is five cents. 

SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those 
who employ their time in cultivating a more 
definite aim in life rather than in searching 
for a larger target. 

SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season 
invented by rural cottage and hotel owners, 
railroad and steamboat companies and the 


SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, 
who goes west daily, operates a heating and 
lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, 
developes crops, liquidates the ice business 
and tans skins on the side- Profits by his 
daily rays and always has a shine. 


^ Feeling for others ; very noticeable in 
Blind Man's Buff. 

SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the 
modest business established by Captain Kidd. 

Fortune knocks only once at a man's door — And 
she's the worst Knocker in the world. 


Brevity is the soul of wit — and the sole charm of 
of a bicycle skirt. 

AILOR One who takes your measure on 
first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and 
follows suit until paid. 

TALK A continuous performance playing daily 
and nightly engagements, with Woman as 
the star and Man confined in the Family 


A form of correspondence sent by a 

man in a hurry and carried by a boy in 


TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. 
phonos, murder. A machine in which talk is 


TENNIS A game in which the participants 
enjoy a racket on the side and raise the deuce 
over a net, while the volleys drive them from 
set to set and love scores as often as it's 

TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely 
to make a knife blade dull and a woman's 
tongue sharp. 


A short, glass tube that regulates the 

weather — and usually does a poor 


THIRST A sensation immediately following 
a short session at the free lunch stand. 

TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily 
but is all in whenever he gets over the bay. 

TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair 
becomes as soon as her father strikes oil. 

TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired 

TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed 
by but two creatures; a large, green worm 
and — man. The worm doesn't know any 


TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently 
put out, yet an artist who's a hard worker at 
the palate and a great wag among women. 

TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, 
causing in its victim a feeling of faintness, 
followed by a chill or a sense of loss- 

TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable 
strength, being able to carry a heavy man 
several miles. 

TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with adver- 
tisements, and occasionally passengers, and 
operated by Poles. 

TROUBLE Something that many are looking 
for but no one wants. 

TRUST A small body of capital entirely sur- 
rounded by water, 

TWINS Insult added to Injury. 


An undesirable thmg to have on 

It s a wise son who can get two birds with One 

1 1 

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken 
at the flood, leads on to Fortune — But most 
of us catch our watered stock on the ebb. 


MBRELLA A good thing to put up in 
a shower — or pawn-shop ; but, like skating, 
never seen after Lent. 


A shirt just returned from a steam 

UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled 
by scabs and liable to strike without warning. 

UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on 

USHER One who takes a leading part in a 


ACCIN ATION Where "jabbing the needle' ' 
is never a vice- 

VAUDEVILLE From Lat- vaut, good for, and 
villageois, countryman. Good for country- 



f 'M 

An open air enclosure often used 
as a spoon-holder. 


VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice. 

VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with 
intelligence, but rarely with beauty. 

VULGARITY The conduct of others. 

A rolling stone gathers no moss — except at 


But a stony roll always gathers the stony staie. 


'AITER An Inn- experienced servant. 

WAR A wholesale means of making heroes 
which, if planed in a small way, would pro- 
duce only murderers. 

^VATER A thin substance applied to stocks 
with which to soak buyers. 

WEDDING A trade in which the bride is gen- 
erally given away, and the groom is often 

WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For 
removing easily, marry the wido^v. 

WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good 
people to account for the singular attractive- 
ness of others. 

WIDOW^ The wife of a golfer during the open 
season, unless she golfs, too. In that event 
the children are golf orphans. 


WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form. 

WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by 
an ephemeral agitation of the nebular strata, 
whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into 
transitory activity, generates a prolonged 
passage through space, owing to certain occult 
ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs, 
breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales, 
simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons. 
Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but fre- 
quently blended with Chicago tongue — 
canned or conversational. 

WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political 
sphere is still slightly flattened at the polls. 

WORD Something you must keep after giving 
it to another. 

WORRY A state of mind that leads some 
persons to fear, every time the tide goes out, 
that it won't come in again. 

WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks. 

It's the first straw hat which shows how the 
wind blows. 


A Ride goeth before a Fall. — 
See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air- 
Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart. 

Ten dollars from a friend. 


ARN An essential in fabrication — either 
woven or narrated. Mill yams are high- 
ly colored ; those spun at sea much 

more so. 

YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound 
of a cat, but never a cat-boat. 

YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper. 

YEAR A period originally including 365 days, 
now 325, since the other 40 are Lent. 

YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the 
Hearst newspapers. 


YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of 
its lay. 

YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and 
the burden of the married. 

YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate, 
too young to smoke, too tough to burn and too 
green to warm up to anybody. 

YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go 
round ; a product of its own generation, with 
its wires carrying Power into the high places 
of Earth and with its currents of Thought 
short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age. 


EALOT One who loves morality so well 
he will commit crime to maintain it. 

ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to 
■wear stripes for life. 

ZERO Originally, nothing ; but now meaning a 
good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft, 
and comprising two-thirds of the 400. 

ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner. 
Old adage, " The longest way round is the 
drunkard's w^ay home !" 


The original Mrs- Bloomer, 

P $ t a g e 


P $ t a I 

Info r m a t i n , 

How to Mail a Letter. 

After writing it, place it in a square or 
oblong envelope — round ones are no 
longer fashionable — seal it on the back 
and write a legible address on the front ; 
then take a two-cent stamp, give it a 
good licking and retire it to the corner — 
the upper, right-hand corner, on the out- 
side — never inside, as the postmaster is 
not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a lette**- 


box and trust to luck. If it's a love 
letter, it will probably reach her all right, 
for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries 
a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by 
all means have it registered; otherwise, 
your debtor will s\vear he never got it. 
If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post- 
office warning, "Don't send money 
through the mails." Wait until you 
happen to meet him on the street. If he 
sees you first, you lose. 

First-class Matter* 

Anything you are ashamed to have the 
postmaster or postmistress read, and there- 
fore seal up, is known as first-class matter. 
Also, postal cards, where you're only al- 
lowed to argue on one side. If you think 
your letter should travel slowly, invest ten 
cei?ts in a Special Delivery Stamp. This 
will insure a nice, leisurely journey, last- 


ing from one to two days longer than by 
the cheap two-cent route. 

Second-class Matter* 

This class was originated for the bene- 
fit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who print 
circulars on "What Ails You" four times 
a year, and pepper the land with " Before- 
and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate 
of one cent a pound. 

Third-class Matter* 

While the quack nostrums travel 
second-class for one cent a pound, books, 
engravings, manuscript copy, and works 
of art have to go third-class and are taxed 
one cent for every two ounces. They 
must also be left open for inspection, thus 
affording the post-office employee a fleet- 
ing acquaintance with something really 


Fourth-class Matter* 

Everything not included in the above, 
except poisons, explosives, live animals, 
insects, inflammable articles, and things 
giving off a bad odor. The last two do 
not include T^he Police Gazette or The 

A F e w 

My t h I g i c a I 

and Classical 


Brotight down to date in brief 
Notes by the Editor* 

ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, 
who did a general slaughtering business in 
Troy in i i 80 B.C., but was finally pinked 
in the heel — his only vulnerable spot — 
and died. 

Long life often depends on being well 


ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved 
by Venus and killed by a boar. 

Bores have been the death of us ever since. 

BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied 
the Gods with nectar, the beer that made 
Olympus famous. 

Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens 
if'* Bacchus is willinV' 


clever sports and twin brothers from 
Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and 
Pollux a pugilist, whose sister, Helen, a 
respectable, married woman, disgraced the 
family by eloping with Paris. 

Just because a man can break a broncho 
or win a prize fight, it^s no sign he can man- 
age a woman. 


CERBERUS. A. dog with three heads, 
a serpent's tail and several snakes around 
his neck, who guarded the main entrance 
to Hades. 

When a man begins to see snakes and one 
head looks like three, it^s a cinch he*s not 
far from Hell. 

CHARON. Thegloomy gondolier of 
the Styx, who carried the dead to the 
Other World — if they paid him first. 

And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid 
Transit must pay his fare in advance. 

CUPID. The son of Venus and the 
God of Love, who with bow and arrows 
punctured men's bosoms with the darts of 

But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with 
a snug bathing suit or a decollette gown. 


DAEDALUS. The original Santos 
Dumont, who invented and successfully 
operated a flying-machine that would fly. 
His son, Icarus, tried the trick, went too 
high and fell into the sea. 

A flier frequently precedes a fall — especially 
in Wall Street* 

DIANA. The goddess of the chase; 

And this is very fitting. May the chase 
always be for the unmarried only ! 

HERCULES. The Gritty Greek 
(no relation to the Terrible Turk), an in- 
dependent laborer, who always had a good 
job awaiting him. 

It is interesting to recall the days when 
non-union labor had all the work it wanted. 


IXION. A king of Thessaly, who 
for his sins was broken on a wheel. 

And men have been going broke on ** the 
wheel ** ever since. 

LOTUS EATERS. A gang of 
ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves 
and went to sleep. 

Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, 
who chew the rag and keep awake. 

MERCURY. A celestial messenger- 
boy, who wore wings on his shoes and 
knew how "to get there" in a hurry. 

Now they all wear hobbles, and never 
exceed the speed limit in a publk thorough- 


MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the 
power of turning into gold all that he 

That^s nothing ! There are plenty of men 
to-day who always get gold whoever they 

SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, 
failing to win the man she first loved, 
cured herself by jumping into the Medi- 

She probably acted on the old advice, 
** There^s plenty more fish in the sea ! ** 

TANTALUS. A proud king, who 
suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger 
and thirst, with food and drink always 
in sight, but always beyond reach. 

Here on earth, the 50-cent table d*hote 
accomplishes the same result — besides cost- 
ing you the fifty. 


TROY. An ancient, oriental city, 
which took in a wooden horse and saw 
the domestic finish of Helen and Paris. 

Do not confuse with Troy, N. Y., where 
they only take in washing and provide a 
domestic finish for collars and shirts. 

VULCAN. The Olympian black- 
smith, who always had his hammer with 

But not all who carry hammers are black- 


and Local 


i n t h e 

Unite d S t a t e s . 

JANUARY I, New Yearns Day. On 
this day the Flowing Bowl is filled — 
and emptied — and the Genial Palm cir- 
culated in forty-three States and Terri- 
tories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, 
New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, 
Oklahoma and the Indian Territory there 
is no celebration. The natives are too busy 
collecting good resolutions and bad bills. 


FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday. 
(George, not Booker), is remembered by 
thirty-eight of the States. On this day, 
in the public schools, are shown pictures 
of George Chopping the Cherry Tree 
and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, 
Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt, Vernon 
on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class 
recites Washington's *' Farewell to the 
Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the 
piano with the "Washington Post 
March," and the scholars all eat Wash- 
ington Pie, made of *' Columbia, the Jam 
of the Ocean." 

MARCH J 7, St. Patrick's Day and Evac- 
uation Day, when the British redcoats got 
out of Boston and Patrick evicted the 
snakes from Ireland. For observing the 
day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and 
put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, 
in the buttonhole — the green above he 
red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled 
egg in the same place. 


APRIL \9, Patriot's Day. A New Eng- 
land successor to FAST DAY — the 
slowest day of the year. Originally in- 
vented for Fasting and Prayer. Now 
used exclusively for opening the Baseball 
Season, Locating a Seashore Home for 
the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted 
Diogenes at his Tub. 

Little drops of water, 

Little lines of hose. 
Make the mighty Muster 

As ev'ry Laddie knows. 

MAY If Moving Day. Observed every- 
where by The Restless Tenant. 

APRIL 26 ] TMT . t n i^^ ** Dixie " 
MAY 30 P^^°"^^^^yM In the North 
A Symphony in Blue and Gray. 

JUNE \ 1, Bunker Hill Day. Celebrated 
in Boston, Mass., by a procession of the 
Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company, 
a few of the City Fathers in hacks, a 
picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and 
occasionally a few samples from a Wild 


West Show. For 24 hours, pistols and 
firecrackers are allowed to mutilate 
Young America ad lib. 

JULY 4, Independence Day. A national 
holiday, invented for the benefit of pop- 
corn and peanut promoters; tin horn and 
toy-balloon vendors; lemonade chemists; 
dealers in explosives; physicians and 
surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen- 
soldier to hear the roar of battle, smell 
powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose 
a night's rest — or a finger. 

LABOR DAY, First Monday in Sep- 
tember. The only day when labor works 
overtime. An occasion when the work- 
ingman takes a cane in place of a dinner- 
pail and proudly tramps the streets behind 
a real silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a 
Cart Horse. 


day in November). A day devoted to the 
annual division of Turkey — with Greece 
on the side — by the Hung'ry folks. 

DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day, An- 
other national holiday, marked by the 
following observances: Filling the young 
and helpless with a lot of fiction about 
Santa Glaus, the old chimney fakir, who 
went up the flue long ago; making a 
clothesline of the mantelpiece and rob- 
bing the forest of its young; swapping 
several things we'd like to keep for a lot 
of stuff we don't want; and, finally, put- 
ting on in church a Sunday night perform- 
ance of light opera, known as "The 
Sabbath School Concert.'* 

-efstiv o' Calt'o"^ Los f^''<q^'< 

L 006 617 783 3 


\\ Mill 

AA 000 695 515 7