BY
GIDEON WIIRBZ
Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive
in 2008 witii funding from
IVIicrosoft Corporation
littp://www.archive.org/details/foolislidictionarOOtown
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FOOLISH
DICTIONARY
An exhausting work of reference
to un-certain English words, their
origin, meaning, legitimate
and illegitimate use,
confused by
A FEW PICTURES
By WALLACE GOLDSMITH
Executed by
G I DEON WU RDZ
Master of Vholly^ "Doctor of Loguacious
Lunacy^ Yellow of the "Royal
Qibe Society^ etc.^ etc.
Cover designed by E. B. BIRD
GROSSET & DUNLAP, Publishers
52 Duane Street . . . New York
Copyright, 1904, hy The
Robinson, Luce Company
Boston, Ms:s., U. H. A.
PW
61G1
To
MY DOG,
W^ho first heard these lines
And didn't run awav
MAD,
I Reverently Dedicate
This Tome
A Fool may give a W^ise Man counsel.'
P r e f a c e
In this age of the arduous
pursuit of peace, prosperity and
pleasure, the smallest contribu-
tion to the gaiety, if not to the
wisdom, of nations can scarcely
be unwelcome. With this in
mind, the author has prepared
*'The Foolish Dictionary," not
in serious emulation of the
worthier — and wordier — works
of Webster and Worcester, but
rather in the playful spirit of the
parodist, who would gladly direct
the faint rays from his flickering
R
candle of fun to the shrine of
their great memories.
With half a million English
words to choose from, modesty
has been the watchword, and
the author has confined himself
to the treatment of only about
half a thousand. How wise,
flippant, sober or stupid, this
treatment has been, it is for the
reader alone to judge. How-
ever, if from epigram, derivative
or pure absurdity, there be born
a single laugh between the lids,
the laborer will accredit himself
worthy of his hire.
In further explanation it should
be said that some slight deference
PREFACE.
has been made toother wits, and
the definitions include a few
quotations from the great minds
of the past and present. As for
the rest, the jury will please ac-
knowledge a plea of guilty frorr
Gideon Wurdz.
ABBREVIATIONS.
Bet Between.
Dist. -..-.- Distinguish.
Eng English.
Fr French.
Ger German.
Grk , . Greek.
Lat I,atin.
Syn , . Synonym.
V. i Verb intransitive.
V. t Verb transitive.
It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.
Distilled waters run deep.
A
BSINTHE From two Latin words, ad,
and sinistrum, meaning " to the bad."
If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, " Ab-
sinthe makes the jag last longer)."
ABSTINENCE
From the Persian ab, water, and
stein^ or tankard. Hence, water
tankard, or " water wagon."
ACCESSION A beheading process by which
you may either win or lose a political job.
Old spelling. Axe-session.
ACCIDENT A condition of affairs in which pre-
sence of mind is good, but absence of body
better.
ADAMANT From " Adam's Aunt," reputed to
be a hard character. Hence, anything tough,
or hard.
ADORE From add, annex, and ore, meaning
wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry
American heiresses adore them.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY
ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer
and given away by your mother-in-law, but
impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous
as the one thing which it is " More blessed to
give than receive." GOOD ADVICE Some-
thing old men give young men when they can
no longer give them a bad example.
ADVERSITY A bottomless lake, surrounded
by near-sighted friends.
AFFINITY Complimentary term for your hus-
band or your wife. Sometimes a synonym
for "Your finish."
AFTERTHOUGHT A tardy sense of prudence
that prompts one to try to shut his mouth
about the time he has put his foot in it.
AGE Something to brag about in your wine-
cellar and forget in a birth-day book. The
boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an
old maid.
ALCOHOL A liquid good for preserving almost
everything except secrets.
ALDERMAN
A political office known as the
Crook's Road to Wealth. From
Eng. ail, and Greek derma, mean-
ing skin — "all skin."
ALIMONY An expensive soothing syrup, pre-
scribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleed-
ing heart. (Old spelling, allay money).
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
ALLOPATHY From Eng. all, everybody, and
Grk. piithos, pain. Pain for everybody.
HOMCEOPATHY From Grk. homoios, same,
and pathos. Pain, just the same.
ALPHABET A toy for the children found in
books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup.
Contains 26 letters and only three syllables.
ANCESTORS The originators of the Family
Tree, a remarkable sex parodox in which
the Ann sisters are always the four fathers-
ANGEL A heavenly ineligible, with wings and
a harp ; or, an earthly eligible, with money
and a heart.
ANTE-ROOMS Euphemistic term for Canfield's,
New York City.
ANTI-IMPERIALIST A patriot whose con-
science works overtime.
ANTIMONY A metallic substance discovered
by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively
used in the arts — particularly poker.
APPENDICITIS A modern pain, costing about
$200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-
ache.
ARGUMENT Breaking and entering the ear,
assault and battery on the brain and disturb-
ing the peace-
ARSON Derived from the Hebrew. (See IN-
SURANCE).
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
ARTIST Commonly, the individual long haired
and short-suited, having a positive pose and
an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-
tickets but strong on technique and the price
of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a
barber,a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.
ATHLETE
2£^i>\(l M<i.^ A dignified bunch of muscles, un-
able to split wood or sift the
ashes.
AUGUR One ^vho bored the ancients with
prophecies.
AUTOMOBILE
-^^jr^Tw From Eng. ought to, and Lat.
--^-i=^ o / tnoveo, to move. A vehicle which
ought to move, but frequently
AUTOMBILIST A land lubber on wheels made
up to resemble a deep sea diver.
F'ne feathers make fine feather-bedSo
A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.
1
ABY
From Grk. habai, wonder-
ful. Parents are yet to be
heard from who don't think
theirs is a "wonder."
A noctural animal to which everyone in
a sleeping-car is eager to give a wide berth.
BACHELOR From Latin baculiis, a stick, un-
attached. Hence, an unattached man, which
any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.
BACKBITER A mosquito.
BALANCE Something wanted by book-keepers
and often lost by topers. May be found in a
cash-book or the kangaroo gait.
BANDIT An outlaw. See ALDERMAN.
BARBER A brilliant conversationalist, who
occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for
Phonograph.
BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences,
prisons, courts and music. (Those found in
courts and in music are full of beats).
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY
BARGAIN
A disease common to women,
caught in the Sunday papers and
developed in department stores
on Mondays. Symptoms, loud
talk, pushing and shoving, a
combination prize-fight and foot-
ball scrimmage. (Old spelling
'Bark-gain).
BASEBALL A game in which the young man
who bravely strikes out for himself receives
no praise for it.
BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and
never found without the rest of the firm, as it
takes several high-balls to make one short
bat.
BEACH A strip of sand, skirted by water;
covered with lady-killers in summer, life-
savers in winter, and used as a haven — or
heaven — for Smacks the year around.
BENEDICT A married male.
BENEDICTINE A married female.
BENEDICTION Their children.
BERTH An aid to sleep, invented bv Pullman.
Lower preferred.
BIRTH An aid to life, discovered by Woman.
Higher preferred.
THE FOOIvIvSII DICTIONARY.
BICYCLE-SKIRT A abbreviated garment that
makes women look shorter and men longer.
BIGAMY A form of insanity in which a man
insists on paying three board bills instead of
two.
BILLIOUSNESS A liver complaint often mis-
taken for piety.
BILL-OF-FARE A list of eatables. Dis-
tinguished from Menu by figures in the right-
hand column.
BIOGRAPH A stereopticon picture taken vnth
a chill and shown with tremors.
BIRDIE A term a woman is apt to apply to a
man she is playing for a jay.
BIRTHDAY Anniversary of one's birth. Ob-
served only by men and children.
BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale.
The useless product of a live baby.
BLUE The only color we can feel. INVISIBLE
BLUE A policeman.
BLUSH A temporary erythema and calorific
effulgence of the physiognomy, aeteologized
by the perceptiveness of the sensorium, in a
predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of
shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a
paresis of the vase-motorial, muscular fila-
ments of the facial capillaries, whereby, being
divested of their elasticity, they become
suffused with a radiance emanating from an
intimidated praecordia.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
BOARD An implement for administering cor-
poral punishment, used by mothers and land-
ladies. " The Festive Board " may be a
shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a
stewed prune supper.
BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A land flow-
ing with canned milk and distilled honey and
untroubled by consistency, convention, con-
science or cash. A land to which many are
called and few chosen.
BONE One Dollar — the original price of a wife.
Note, Adam, who had to give up one bone be-
fore he got Eve.
BONNETS A female head trouble, which is
contracted the latter part of Lent and breaks
out on Easter.
BOODLE Money, born of poor, but dishonest
parents, and taken in by the Graft family.
BORROW v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.
BOWER A shady retreat, in general.
BOWERY A shady retreat in New York.
BRACE Security for the trousers.
BRACER Security for the stomach.
BRACELET Security for the pawn-broker.
THE FOOLIvSH DICTIONARY
BRAIN The top-floor apartment in the Human
Block, known as the Cranium, and kept by
the Sarah Sisters — Sarah Brum and Sarah
Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All
three are nervous, but are always confined to
their cells. The Brain is done in gray and
white, and furnished with light and heat, hot
or cold water, (if desired), with regular
connections to the outside world by way of
the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the
Intellect Bros., — Thoughts and Ideas — as
an Intelligence Office, but sometimes sub-let
to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.
BRAND Something carried on the hip, by either
beast or man. Can be found on the outside
of a short, red steer, or the inside of a long,
black bottle.
BRASS BAND A clever though somewhat
complicated arrangement for holding a crowd
together.
BRICK An admirable person made of the right
sort of clay and possessing plenty of sand-
What your friends call you before you go to
the wall — but never afterward.
BRIMSTONE A little bit of Hades, which finds
its match on earth and smells to heaven.
Better to strike it here than in the hereafter.
BREVITY A desirable quality in the Fourth of
July oration but not in the fireworks.
BROKE A word expressing the ultimate con-
dition of one who is too much bent on specu-
lating.
THE FOOT. IvSH DICTIONARY
BUM A fallen tough.
BUMP A tough fall.
BUNCO The art of disseminating knowledge in
the rural districts.
BY-STANDER One who is injured in a street
fifl^ht.
People who live in glass houses should aress in
the dark.
01
Don't put all your eggs in one basket — try an
incubator.
(E
AB Affair for a drive.
CABBY Driver for a fare.
CACHINNATION
The hysterical Ha-Ha." Syn. for
^ ftLs-^'
•^1 '^-■^'^^, Carrie Nation.
^Sg<
CADDIE A small boy, employed at a liberal
stipend to lose balls for others and find them
for himself.
CAFE A place where the public pays the pro-
prietor for the privilege of tipping the waiters
for something to eat-
CAJOLE V. t., From Grk. kalos, beautiful, and
Kng. jolly, to jolly beautifully.
CALCIUM An earthly light that brightens even
the stars.
CANNIBAL A heathen hobo who never works,
but lives on other people.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
CAPTIVATE From Lat. caput, head, and Eng.
vacate, or empty, — to empty the head. Note,
^A^omen who have captivated men.
CAPE A neck in the sea.
CAPER A foot in the air.
CARNEGIE-ITIS
A mania for burning money. Con-
tracted in a Pennsylvania blast fur-
K-^^w nace, developed in a Scotch castle
'.(-^^^■^ and now epidemic in American public
libraries.
CART V. t.. To take off.
CARTOON The take-off.
CAULIFLOWER A Cabbage with a college
education.
CAVALRY That arm of the military service
that engages in the real hoss-tilities.
CEMETERY The one place where princes and
paupers, porters and presidents are finally on
the dead level.
CHAMPAGNE The stuff that makes the world
go round.
T H K F O O 1. 1 vS 1 1 DICTIONARY.
CHAIR Four-legged aid to the injured.
CHARITY Forehanded aid to the indigent
CHAUFFEUR A man who is smart enough to
operate an automobile, but clever enough not
to own one.
CHRISTIAN A member of any orthodox church.
CHRISTMAS A widely observed holiday on
which the past nor the future is of so much
interest as the present.
CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radic-
ally from ours.
CIGARETTE A weed whose smoke, some
say, should never be inhaled, and still more
insist should never be exhaled.
CINDER One of the first things to catch your
eye in travelling.
CIVILIZATION An upward growth or tendency
that has enabled mankind to develop the
college yell from what was once only a feeble
war-whoop.
COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see
but many ask to call again.
COLLEGE From Fr. coUe. pasted or stuck, and
etude, study. A place where everyone is
stuck on study. (?)
THE FOOIvISH DICTIONARY
A male resident of Kentucky.
See KERNEL.
COMPLIMENT v. t., From Eng. con, — hot air,
and Lat. pleo, to fill. Hence, to fill with hot
air.
COMPLEXION Color for the face. From
Eng. complex, difficult, and shun, to avoid.
To avoid difficulty, buy it of the druggist.
COMMENDATION From Eng. con, a josh, and
mend, to fix up. Hence, a fixed-up josh.
CONDUCTOR From Eng. coin, and Lat. duco,
to command. One who commands the coin.
CONSCIENCE The fear of being found out.
COOK A charitable institution, providing food
and shelter for Policemen.
CORPS A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet.
cores found in apples and corps found in
arms) .
CORSET From Fr. corps, shape, and sec, rough.
Rough on the shape.
COSMETIC A new face-maker. From Grk.
kosmos, order, and Eng. medic, or doctor, —
ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
COT A snooze for one.
COTILLON A dance for eight.
CREDIT Something for nothing.
CREDITOR Something with nothing.
CREDULITY A feminine virtue and a mascu-
line vice.
CREMATION A means of disposing of the
dead likely to become very popular, especially
with women who are so fond of having the
last retort.
CRITIC A wet blanket that soaks everything it
touches.
CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in
Law & Order Ave- A Misfit in the Straight
and Narrow Way.
CROW A bird that never complains without
caws.
CULTURE A degree of mental development
that produces tailor-made women, fantastic-
ally-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses-
CUPID A driver of sharp darts-
CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals-
CYNIC A man who knows the price of every-
thing and the value of nothing.
All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.
Out of fight, out of coin. — The Pugilist's Plaint .
i
ABBLE V. t., To play in water.
DABBLE IN STOCKS — Same thing.
DACHSHUND A low-down dog.
DANCE A brisk, physical exercise, invented by
St. Vitus.
DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the
Family Tree and spread on the leaves of
history. (Dist. bet. Dates and Peaches,
which are often associated).
DEAD Without life- See Boston.
DEADER Pompeii.
DEADEST Philadelphia.
DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by
sponging it.
DEBT A big word beginning w^ith Owe, which
grows bigger the more it is contracted.
' <^' ;M^5 An Oyster Bay localism, de-
ii^^5J» rived from delighted.
(Patent and Dramatic rights to this word were formerly the
exclusive property of T. Roosevelt, Esq. Since re-election,
the word has become obsolete )
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
DELEGATE From Eng. dally, to loaf, and
Fr. gate, spoiled. A spoiled loafer.
DEMAGOGUE From Grk. demos, people, and
Eng. gag. One who gags the people-
DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded
on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by
Willie Bryan, on the north by Dave Hill and
on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman.
DEN A cavity.
DENT To punch.
DENTIST One who punches the face and fills
cavities.
DEUCE An honest card, in fact the only one
that is never known to beat tray.
DEVIL
An old rascal mentioned in the
Bible, now reported engaged to
Mary McLane.
DIAMOND A bright gem the sparkle of which
sometimes renders a woman stone-blind to
the defects of the man proffering it.
r>IARY An honest autobiography. A good
keepsake, but a bad give-away.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
DIGNITY A narrow, unstable bearing which
mental spindle-shanks try to stand upon when
they have no other support.
DICKENS An author; polite term for the devil.
DIE An effect.
DIET Frequently a cause.
DIMPLE A ripple in the gentle whirlpool of a
pretty woman's smile.
DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elas-
tic conscience and a rubber neck.
DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of
goods.
DISCRETION An instinctive perception that
enables us to say, " Oh, shut up !" to the
small, weak man, and " I beg your pardon,
but I do not entirely agree with your views,"
to the large, strong one.
DIVE A gambler's retreat.
DIVIDENDS A gambler's reward.
DIVORCE Nominally, separation of husband
and wife from the bonds of matrimony- In
the vicinity of Nev^^port it is frequently a legal
formula that immediately precedes a fashion-
able wedding.
DOCK A place for laying up.
DOCTOR One who lays you up.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY
DREAM ^A^hat a man may call a woman, though
a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts
are dreams because they seldom come true ;
wives, because they're often a night-mare j
and both because they go by contraries.
DRAFT (DRAUGHT) ^A^hat gives a cold,
cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery
designed to prevent the men from paying too
much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-
boo " shirt-waist.
DRUM Something noisy, and made to beat.
DRUMMER Something noisy, but impossible
to beat. From the Grk. drimus, meaning
sharp. Hence, something sharp, that always
carries its point and sticks w^hoever it can.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
DYNAMITE
^ X^^^ The peroration of ari anarchist's
argument.
DYSPEPSIA A good foundation for a bad
temper
Out of sight, only in mind. — ballad of the Blind
'Beggar.
€
A word to the wise is useless.
^/^AGLE The national bird of a Christian
'Ip' country ; (the United States.) Presumably
^^ chosen on account of its being a bird of pray.
EARL A title of nobility.
EARLY A title of stupidity. See old saw,
" Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes a man a farmer ! ' '
EARTH
A solid substance, much de-
sired by the seasick.
ECHO The only thing that can cheat a woman
out of the last word.
ECONOMY Denying ourselves a necessary to-
day in order to buy a luxury to-morrow.
^__ A wholesome, yet fowl, product,
^ "^^ of no use until broken. Some-
.^^ times a cure for indigestion or bad
acting.
THK FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
ELECTION
Ii|js^ A penodical picnic for the American
People, Held in booths, where the
Voter puts in his ballot, and The Ma-
chine elects whatever it chooses. A
day when the low^liest may make their
mark and even beggars may ride ;
when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and
everything is full — particularly the lodging-
houses.
ENCORE A greedy theatre-goers desire to get
more than his money's worth. From the
Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig, — common
among pigs.
ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the
salubrious calm that precedes the real hostil-
ities.
ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times
as much as he belives and believes four times
as much as a sane man ought to.
EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above
about the one who lies beneath.
EQUATOR
An imaginary line around the
earth. Recently held by J. P.
Morgan.
ERR To make a mistake.
ERRATIC Full of mistakes.
T H R FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
ETHER One of the world's three great com-
posers — the others being Gas and Chloro-
form— whose airs are popular among the
suffering.
ETIQUETTE A convenient code of conduct
w^hich makes Lying a virtue and Snobbishness
a righteous deed.
EVOLUTION A clever trick performed by one
Darwin, who made a monkey of Adam.
EXCURSION From ex. former, and Grk. kairo,
to enjoy. Hence, a tiresome journey —
formerly an enjoyment — sold at half price.
EXERCISE Bodily exertion requiring a $10,000
gymnasium, a ten-acre lot and impossible
raiment. Originally confined to the wash-tub
and the wood-pile.
EXPANSION A combination of Grand Larceny
and Piracy, involving the destruction of the
Constitution and Declaration of Independence.
— Boston.
The benevolent assimilation of previously
oppressed peoples — Washington, B.C.
A doubtful commercial experiment. — Wall
Street.
The white man's burden. — Kipling.
EXPLOSION A good chance to begin at the
bottom and work up.
EXPOSITION An overgrown Department Store,
usuallv opened a year or two behind time.
It's never too late to spendo
3
A bird on the plate is worth two on the bonnet.
J
ACE A fertile, op in expanse, lying mid-
^vay between collar button and scalp, and
full of cheek, chin and chatter. The crop
of the male face is hair, harvested daily by a
lather, or allowed to run to mutton-chops,
spinach or full lace curtains. The female face
product is powder, whence the expression,
" Shoot off your face." Each is supplied
with lamps, snufflers and bread boxes.
FAILURE The quickest method known for
making money.
FEINT A pugilist's bluff.
FAINT A woman's bluff.
FAITH A mental accomplishment whereby an
ear-ache becomes a Symphony Concert, a
broken finger a diamond ring and a " touch "
an invitation to dine.
FAKE A false report.
FAKIR A false reporter
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
FAME Having a brand of cigars named after
you.
FAMILY
Originally a wife and several
children, a matter of pride to the
possessor. Now obsolete among
the careful, or confined to the
wife, a bull pup and a canary bird.
FARE. The cost of a ride. See old adage,
" Only the brave can work their fare."
FAULT About the only thing that is often found
where it does not exist.
FICTION. The Constitutional fiat that "all men
are created equal."
FIDDLER A violinist before he becomes the
virtuoso who refuses to play a real tune.
FIRMNESS That admirable quality in ourselves
that is detestable stubbornness in others.
FIG Nothing. Note, " I don't care a fig," etc.
FIG LEAF A small outer garment, next to
nothing, worn by Adam 4000 B. C. and occa-
sionally revived by Bostonian Art Com-
mittees.
FISHING An heroic treatment tried by some
laymen to avoid falling asleep in church on
Sunday.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
FLAT A series of padded cells, commonly found
in cities, in which are confined harmless
monomaniacs who imagine Home to be a
Sardine Box.
FLATTERY Cologne water, to be smelled of
but not swallowed.
FLUE An escape for hot air.
FLUENCY The art of releasing the same.
FLUSH From Grk. phlox, heat. A rush of color
to the cheek, or hand, caused by bodily — or
poker — heat.
FLY A familiar summer boarder who mingles
with the cream of society, gets stuck on the
butter and leaves his specs behind.
FLY-SCREEN An arrangement for keeping flies
in the house.
FOOT The understanding of a girl from the
west.
FOOT-PATH Chicago, 111.
FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on
prize-fights under the guise of a reputable
game.
THK FOOI.ISH DICTIONARY
FOREIGNER
USD
One who is eligible to the
police force. From Grk.
fero, to carry off;, and enara,
spoils. One who carries on
the spoils.
FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown
w^hen a man who knows, patiently listens to
a fool who does not.
FRANC Twenty cents, in French.
FRANKFURTERS Four for twenty, in German.
Derived from frank, open, and fortitude,
meaning brave. Sold in the open and eaten
by the brave.
FROST An old flame after the engagement is
broken off.
FUN Joy.
FUNCTION Devoid of joy.
As ye sew, so shall ye rip.
($
Money makes the mayor go. — Proverbs 0/ Politics,
(^
ALLON From the Fr. galonner, to make
tight. Note, one is sufficient.
GALLANTRY This word is now almost
obsolete. It w^as formerly employed to ex-
press a deferential attention on the p-ar* of the
man who in a crowded car gave up his seat
to the ladies.
GAMBLER From the G'-k. gitmnos, stripped
to the skin. And the gambler's the one that
does it.
GARDEN From the Fr. garantir, to make
good. Hence, a place where lovers make
good.
GARLIC From Grk. gar, for, and Lat. Uceor, to
bid. Good for the biddies.
GEM A breakfast muffln. With the newly
married, syn. for " a precious stone."
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
GERM A bit of animal life living in water.
GERMAN
More animal life, living on
beer.
GIRAFFE The champion rubber-neck of the
world, and the longest thirst on record.
GLOBE An all-round proposition which has
furnished its shareholders a living for several
thousand years, though its stock is two-thirds
water.
GOAT The honored founder and oldest in-
habitant of Harlem, N. Y. Elsewhere, not
in good odor.
GOLF An excuse for carrying unconcealed
weapons and a Scotch breath.
GONDOLA A pleasure craft which plies in
Venice, at World's Fairs and other popular
watering places- From Eng. gone, and Lat.
dolor, sadness, or Eng. dollar. Sadness gone;
also, a gone dollar.
GORE Blood. Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs
but never spilled in French duels.
THE FOOLIvSH DICTIONARY.
GOSSIP Derived either from the Grk. gups,
vulture, or Fr. gosier, wind-pipe. Hence, a
vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an
exercise of the wind-pipe from which every
victim gets a blow.
GOUT The undesirable scion of High Living,
which frequent the lowest joints and is
mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes.
GOWN From Lat. gaiidium, joy. A thing of
beauty and a joy forever ; if from Paris, gen-
erally an article of some ^A^orth.
GUNPOWDER A black substance much em-
ployed in marking the boundary lines of
nations.
GUM A substance for sticking.
GUM-GAME A game in which some one is
stuck.
GUTTER A school in which we may study the
dregs of humanity or read the reflection of
the stars.
There's many a slip twixt the toe and the heel.
Where there's a will there's a lawsuit,
if
"AIR-DRESSER A linguist whose position
in life enables him to do his head-work
\vith his hands.
HAMMER A small, busy implement carried by
blacksmiths, geologists and Knockers for
breaking iron, rock or friendship.
HAMMOCK From the Lat. hamus, hook, and
Grk. niakar, happy. Happiness on hooks.
Also, a popular contrivance whereby love-
making may be suspended but not stopped
during the picnic season.
HAND A much desired possession, supplied by
The Damsel or The Dealer. GLAD HAND.
The beggar's plea, the politician's sceptre
and the drummer's ablest assistant.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
HANDMAIDEN A manicure.
HARANGUE The tiresome product of a tire-
less tongue. From Eng. hear, and Lat. dngor^
pain. Painful to hear.
HARMONY From the Grk. arnumi, strain.
Hence, full of strains.
HASH ?
HATCH To develop eggs.
HATCH\VAY Place for developing eggs ; a
hen-coop.
HAY-FEVER A heart trouble caused by falling
in love with a grass widow-
HEARSE Seen on the dead.
HEARSAY Heard on the dead.
HEARSE A handsome vehicle in which the
man who has always been a tail-ender is
finally permitted to lead the procession.
HEART A bloody organ, kept in a trunk, play-
ed by beats, and enjoyed only after it is lost
or given away.
HEAVE To raise.
HEAVEN A good place to be raised to.
HEDGE A fence.
HEDGEHOG One who hogs the fences. A Bill-
Poster.
THE FOOIvIvSH DICTIONARY.
HELL Poverty.
HEREDITY The cause of all our faults. From
Fr. here, wretch, and Eng. ditty, song. The
song of the wretched.
HEROISM
A transferable ticket to the
Haul of Fame. Once held by
Hobson and Dewey, now carried
by Cassie Chadwick and
Brother Dowie.
HIP A popular location for the retail liquor
business.
HISTORY The evil that men do.
HIT A chance for first place, first base or first
blood.
HOCK V. t. To "soak" what we least need.
In Germany, they generally " Hoch the
Kaiser."
HOMCEOPATHY See Allopathy.
HOOT MON ! The Scottish National Hymn.
HOP To skip.
HOPPER A skipper.
HOPE A desire for better things to come that
makes a grass widow willing to try it again.
Also, a draft on futurity, sometimes honored,
but generally extended.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
HORN A sharp point.
HORNET Still sharper.
HORSE-SENSE A degree of wisdom that
keeps one from betting on the races.
HOSE Man's excuse for wetting the w^alk.
HOSIERY Woman's excuse for walking in
the wet.
HOTEL A place where a guest often gives up
good dollars for poor quarters.
HOUSECLEANING A domestic upheaval
that makes it easy for the government to
enlist all the soldiers it needs.
HUG A roundabout way of expressing affection.
HUMOR An outbreak, either of skin or brains
frequently branded as Rash.
HUNGER Ability to eat in a Night Lunch Cart.
HUSBAND The next thing to a wife. From
Eng. hussy, woman, and bond, tie. Tied to a
woman.
HYDRANT From Grk. hudros, water, and Eng.
ante, to give up. Something that gives up
water. (A good synonym for Dipsomaniac.)
HYPOCRITE A horse dealer. From Grk.
hippos, horse, and krofeo, to beat. One who
beats you on a horse trade.
Home is where the mortgage ia.
31
Aim at a chorus-girl and you may hit a star.
St age- Door Secrets.
3f
CE A substance frequently associated with
a tumble in winter, a tumbler in summer,
and a skate the year around.
ICEMAN A cool proposition who has Axe-cess
to the best families, makes his Weigh in
every home and can take his Pick in the
kitchen, if he leaves his Chips in the street.
" How'd You Like to be The Iceman?"
IDIOT From Eng. idea, and out. One who is
just out of ideas.
IDLE Useless.
IDOLIZE To make useless.
IMPECUNIOUS To be in a state of poverty-
From Eng. in. and Lat. p9CC0, to sin, poverty
being the greatest of all sins-
IMPERIOUS From Eng. imp, devil and aerial,
airy. Airy as the devil.
THE FOOI^ISH DICTIONARY.
INCANDESCENT LIGHT
I '•^\)Il^^ From Lat. incendo, to bum, and
Q r "^gic^w^jM Eng. cent, meaning money.
^>i2s» p^^ invention for burning
money.
INCOME The reliable offspring of a wise in-
vestment. From Lat. in and coma, meaning
sleep. Money which works while you sleep.
INDEPENDENCE Self government. Good
enough for a Cuban, but too good for a
Filipino.
INDIGESTION A distressing stomach trouble
that is sometimes temporarily relieved by
kicking the cat or w^hipping the children.
INDIVIDUALITY A harmless trait possessed
by one's self. The same trait in others is
downright idiocy.
INDORSE To write on the back of; the best
indorsed man in town being the Sandwich-
Man.
.INFANT A disturber of the peace.
INFANTRY A defender of the peace.
INHABITANT A native of any village, town or
city. OLDEST INHABITANT The
Champion Liar.
INTUITION A fictitious quality in females —
really Suspicion.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
IRRITANT Something which irritates. COUN-
TER IRRITANT A woman shopping.
ISLAND A place where the bottom of the sea
sticks up through the w^ater.
ISOLATION From Eng. ice, meaning cold, and
Lat. iolus, alone. Alone in the a)ld.
After dinner sit a while, after supper walk a mile-
And every meal's a supper to the Hobo-
J
Lies have no legs — That's why we all have to
stand for them.
^I^ACK An instrument requiring a strong arm,
tI and used for raising heavy weight-s, or for
^^ pulling off the boots-
JACK-POT An instrument requiring a strong
hand, and used for raising heavy bets, or for
pulling off the stakes-
JAG From the Spanish word \figci, meaning a
load packed on the outside of a van- In
America the load is packed on the inside of a
man-
JAM
A pantry composition in A
minor.
JANITOR From jangle, to quarrel, and torrid,
meaning hot- Hot and quarrelsome -
JELLY- CAKE Synonym for Belly- Ache.
JERSEY Well knit.
NEW JERSEY Well bit- (See Mosquito).
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
v^, JEW'S HARP From
ff?P Jew, a Hebrew, and Harp,
'^'^': a musical instrument, the
Jew's musical instrument
being a "Sell low!" (Old
spelling, Cello).
JIMMY An implement employed by men of
acquisitive natures who cannot afford seats in
the Stock Exchange.
JOB An uncertain commodity regulated by
a Union Card.
JOCKEY From jog, to move slowly, and key,
something that makes fast. Hence, one who
makes the pace fast or slow, according to
instructions ,
JOINT Either a low limb from the butcher, or
a low quarter in town ; in either case the
lower the tougher.
JOKE A form of humor enjoyed by some and
misunderstood by most ; in England, requir-
ing a diagram, raised letters and a club.
JOLLY V. t., To "con" or "josh."
JOLLY BOAT The Ship of State.
JUDGE One who sits on a bench in a court,
frames sentences and finishes crooks for a
living, and swears continually.
JULEP An insidious friend from the South,
who hands you a mint and gives you a sweet
spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.
THE FOOIvISH DICTIONARY.
JURY Twelve men chosen to decide who has
the better lawyer.
JUSTICE Fair play ; often sought, but seldom
discovered, in company with Law.
A chip of the old block — A daughter of the
Tenderloin.
One man's meat is another man's finish — Canned
Beef in Cuba.
^^y^ANGAROO A hard drinker from Australia,
1f\ especially fond of hops, and generally
^^^ carrying a load.
KATYDID A gossiping grasshopper who is
always meddling in Katy's affairs.
KEEPSAKE Something given us by someone
we've forgotten.
KERNELS or COLONELS Articles often found
in cores (or corps) and frequently surrounded
by shells.
KEROSENE
An alleged provider of heat and
light. From Lat. cams, meaning
expensive and seneo, to be weak ;
expensive but w^eak. For further
explanation, consult Standard Oil
^^0M Company.
A frequent test for sobriety.
KID Either a boxing-glove or a first-bom. In
either case, hard to handle until well tanned.
THE FOOIvISH DICTIONARY.
KILTS A Scotchman's apology for indecent
exposure.
KINDRED From Eng. kin, meaning relation,
and dread, meaning fear; fearful relations.
KINDERGARTEN From Ger. hinder, chil-
dren, and Lat. garritus, a babbling. A
place for babbling children.
KINDLING-WOOD From Ger. kind, youth,
and Eng. linger, to loaf. A place where
youth generally loafs.
KISS Nothing divided by two ; meaning per-
secution for the infant, ecstasy for the
youth, fidelity for the middle-aged and
homage for the old.
KISS An indescribable something that is of
no value to any one, but is much prized
by the right two.
KNOCKER A device on doors for rousing
people; also, a device on foot for the same
purpose.
Laugh-in-one's-sleeve — The direct route to the
Funny-Bone.
Two heads are better than one — particularly on
a Barrel of Money.
'£
ACE Among women, lace means lesson ;
wherefore they combine art and thrift by-
lessening the waist.
LACONIC Shy on words. From Eng. lack,
meaning want, and connection ; want of con-
nection.
LAMP A light.
LAMPONED To be lighted on.
LARD Fat.
LARDER A fattener.
LARK A short, sweet spree enjoyed by night
hawks. Also, an early rising singing-bird.
(Dist. bet. "out on a lark," and " up with
the lark," an impossible combination).
LASSIE One of the weaker sex.
LASSITUDE Slightly weaker.
LAUD Praise for the Almighty.
LAUDANUM Prays for himself — after taking.
XwAUNDRY A place where clothes are mangled.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human
countenance, voluntary or involuntary, super-
induced by a concatenation of external cir-
cumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous,
ludicrous* jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious
or fanciful nature and accompanied by a
cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle
gurgle, guffaw or roar.
LA^WER One who defends your estate against
an enemy, in order to appropriate it to him-
self.
LECTURE An entertainment at which it costs
but little to look intelligent.
LEGISLATURE
From Lat. lego, to bring together,
and latro, to bark or bluster ; pos-
sibly from lex, law, and latens, un-
known. Hence, a company of men
(brought together to bluster, or a
company of law makers who know
nothing about law.
LEISURE From 'E.ng.,l(iiy. and sure ; assured
laziness.
LENT A Church fast that is slow to go; or
something loaned which is slow to come back.
LIE A very poor substitute for the truth but the
only one discovered up to date.
LIMBURGER A native of Germany strong
enough to do housework ; well recommend-
ed for cleaning out the dining-room.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
LIBRARY From Fr. Ubre, meaning free, and
proper name ANDY. Something free from
Andy Carnegie.
LINKS Found in sausages and golf courses, and
both full of hazards.
LION A cruel beast who never patronizes the
barber and is always bearded in his den, yet
w^ill furnish a close shave if you get near
enough.
LOBSTER
The edible lobster is found off the
^\ New England Coast. The two-legged
ii^l!-.^ species is found everywhere. All
^'^ kinds are green, but when roasted turn
^^a bright red. Soubrettes are very de-
pendent on both varieties for a living ;
together they furnish her with food,
raiment, fiats, diamonds, and occasionally indi-
gestion.
LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish ordered at
hotels by those who usually get beans at
home.
LOVE A man's insane desire to become a
woman's meal-ticket.
LOVER An ardent admirer who says, " Yes,
dearest, I will shovel the snow of the lake
so that we can go skating !" and, after marriage
remarks, " What ! Shovel the snow off the
walk for you? Well, I should say not! I'm no
chore boy."
Hell is paved with good intentions — also asbestos.
M
A fool and his wife are soon parted.
See Alimony.
m
AGAZINE A receptacle for explosives,
literary or mechanical.
MAGNATE One who can float capital in a con-
siderable body of water. From Lat. magnus,
great, and nator; to swim; a great swimmer.
MAIDEN LADY A term applied to an old maid
by those who wish to avoid hurting her
feelings.
MALT A humble grain which often gets into a
ferment, cools off and becomes Stout in its
old age.
MAN Something that " Goes first on four feet,
then two feet, then three, but the more feet
it goes on the weaker it be !"
MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking
terms with the head waiter.
MANICURE The only woman who can beat a
carpenter at soaking nails.
MANNERS A difficult symphony in the key of
B natural.
MARK In Germany, twenty-three cents. In
the United States, only Twain.
MASCULINE From Grk. tnaskos, girl, and
eukolos, easy. Easy for the girls.
MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
MATRIMONY A game for women, in which
the unmarried half are trying to find a husband
and the married half trying not to be found
out by one. Both halves are eminently suc-
cessful.
MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute
bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by
booze.
MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave
but both hands on your wallet. " Hello,
Central ! Give me Heaven !"
MELODEON An alleged musical instrument,
popular at home, but unpopular next door.
From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without.
Warranted without melody.
MENAGERIE From Fr. melange, mixture, and
Ger. riechen, to smell. A mixture of smells.
MESSENGER BOY From Eng. miss, to fail,
and Lat. engeo, to arrive. One who fails to
arrive.
METER The gas man's trysting place. " Meet
her in the cellar !"
MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind.
MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar.
MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its
nightly lay in every city.
MIRACLE A woman who won't talk.
THE F OOIvTvSH DICTIONARY.
MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH
MIST A cloudburst.
MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives
a young man when she knows she is going to
make it chilly for him.
MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity
MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverish-
ing others. From Grk. monux, swift-footed,
and polloi, the people. A swift kick for the
people.
MOON The only lighting monopoly that never
made money.
MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng.
gag, to choke. A lawyer's invention for
choking property to death.
MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to
make us think better of flies.
MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is al-
ways in the hole. And the only ones who try
to get him out are his enemies.
MOUSE
^3 The frequent cause of a rise in
cotton.
All gone to 6's and 7*s — Ladies* Footwear in
Chicago.
Time and tide wait for no man — But time always
stands still for a woman of thirty.
^^ATURE The author of "The Seasons," an
4-X^ interesting work over which Spring
^ ^ pours, Summer smiles, and Autumn turns
the leaves while Winter catches the drift of
it all.
NECK A close connection between chin and
chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs,
jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe,
hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber
industry.
NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER
One who doesn'^t.
NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your
affairs than yourself.
NERVE
-^^^ ^"'^'iJI Breaking the hair-brush on the
disobedient scion, then making him
pay for a new one- See revised
version, "Spare the rod and spoil
Ei the hair- brush !"
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
" NEXT " The barberous password to the
heaven of the shaved and the unshaved.
NIP Something bracing from without or within
When felt in the air, it's a frost. When
found in a glass, a life saver.
NOBILITY A gang of foreign brigands having
abducent designs on the American Damsel
and the American Dollar.
NON-CONDUCTOR The motorman.
NOSE A prominent member of the face family,
usually a Greek or Roman, who owns the
shortest bridge in the world. He is often
stuck up in company, but frequently blows
himself when he has his grippe. Principal
occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing,
snorting and scenting, intruding in the neigh-
bors' affairs, stuffing himself without per-
mission and bleeding for others.
NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The substance of
things long hoped for, the evidence of things
not seen."
NOVEL A fabric that is often (k)nit in print,
though the yarn be well spun.
NURSE
One who keeps setting up the
drinks after you're all in.
Out of the frying-pan into the face — Mothers'
doughnuts-
(§
Many hands make light work — also^a good Jack-
pot.
®
AR
A popular device for catch-
ing crabs.
OATS England's horse-feed, America's break-
fast and Scotland's table-d'hote.
OATH A form of speech that has many trials in
court, but is never tried in Sunday School.
OBESITY
A surplus gone to waist.
THE FOOIvISH DICI'IONARY.
OCEAN An old toper who is always soaked,
has many a hard night along the coast, floats
fnany a schooner, lashes himself into a fury
because so frequently crossed, and has his
barks in every port. At sea, the king of the
elements ; on shore, a mere surf.
OLEOMARGARINE The White Bread's
Burden. From Eng. olio, a mixture, and Grk.
margino, to be furious. A furious mixture.
OMNIBUS A test for Patience, still popular in
England. From Grk. oneiros, dream, and
haino, to go or move. A dream of motion.
■ONION The all-round strength champion of the
Vegetable Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being
close rivals.
OPERA A drama that has taken on airs and
refuses to speak, yet always sings its own
praises. GRAND OPERA An excuse for
displaying several boxes of jewelry and
peaches with pedigrees.
OPINION The prodigal son of Thought. PUB-
LIC OPINION The world's champion
pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a
hard fought bout.
OPIUM The real author of " The Dream Book."
OPTIMISM A cheerful frame of mind that en-
ables a tea-kettle to sing though in hot water
up to its nose-
ORCHARD The small boy's Eden of today, in
which the apple again occasions the fall.
THE F O O Iv I vS II DICTIONARY.
OSTRICH The largest and heaviest bird on
earth, yet rated by his owners only as
a featherweight.
OUTSKIRTS The only garments which clothe
many a metropolis with decency.
OVEN The only sport who enjoys an equally
hot time with or without the dough.
Handsome is what hansoms charge.
Soap, long deferred, maketh the dirt stick.
p
AIN A sensation experienced on receiving
a Punch, particularly the London one.
PALMISTRY A plausible excuse for holding
hands.
PANTS Trousers* Country Cousins.
PARACHUTE
A successful method for getting the drop
on the Earth.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
PARAGON The model man a woman regrets
she gave up for the one she mistakenly
married.
PARENTS One of the hardships of a minor's
life.
PASS A form of transportation issued free to
those who are quite able to pay.
PASSENGER One who does not travel on a
pass. (Antonym for Deadhead). From Eng.
pass, to go, and Grk. endidomi, to give up.
One who has to give up to go.
PARROT An individual who can never be
held responsible for what he says.
PASTRY A deadly weapon carried by cafes,
cooks and newly married housekeepers.
PATRIOT One who is willing to take all of
Uncle Sam's bonds in a lump.
PAWN
^' If V. t., To keep property in the
_ family by leaving it all with
your Uncle.
PAWNBROKER A mercenary man to whom
money is the one redeeming quality.
PEACE A mythical condition of tranquillity
frequently reported from the Phillipines.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
PEACH A popular synonym for Fair Woman,
probably because the peach is largely a skin
and stony at heart.
PEARL A small round product manufactured by
an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a
butterfly.
PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and
intent, meaning determination. One who de-
termines for the right.
PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And
sometimes red.
PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried
the children of Israel ; today, one who worries
only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and
tino, to punish. One who barks to punish.
PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the
people publicly a small percentage of the
wealth he steals from them privately.
PHILOSPHER One who instead of crying over
spilt milk consoles himself with the thought
that it was over four-fifths water.
PHILOSOPHY Something that enables the
rich to say there is no disgrace in being poor.
PIANO A tool frequently used in building a
Rough House.
PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance
— of remarkable penetration and true as steel,
seldom loses its head, follows its own bent
and carries its point in whatever it undertakes.
THE FOOIvISH DICTIONARY.
PING-PONG A game invented for the benefit
of furniture and crockery dealers.
PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind
when he beholds the children of a w^oman
who might have married him instead.
PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which
a man and woman attempt a correct imitation
of a pair of icicles — and never succeed.
PLENTY A desirable condition that is likely to
step out whenever Extravagance steps in.
PLUM A fruit that ripens and falls from the
Political Tree — but only after careful grafting.
PLUMB To ascertain the capacity of.
PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of
your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and
gets away with the money — a process vul-
garly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."
POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a
pole, the longer the pole the better.
POLICEMAN
n 7^< A never present help in time of
trouble.
POLYGAMY A thoughtless way of increasing
the family expenses.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
POLYGLOT A parrot that can swear in several
languages.
POSTSCRIPT The only thing readable in a
woman's letter.
PRETZEL The bar-keeper's promoter.
PROTECTION Originally, the swaddling clothes
of the infant, Industry; now, merely the shoe-
lacings for the giant. Monopoly.
PRO and CON Prefixes of opposite meaning.
For example. Progress and Congress.
PRUDE A native of Boston.
PRUDENCE A quality of mind that restrains
the wise boarder from trying to find out how
his landlady makes her hash.
PRUDERY A quality that displays a lack of
modesty as a wig does a loss of hair.
PRUNE A plum that has seen better days : the
boarding-house veteran and the landlady's
pet ; badly wrinkled, yet well preserved.
PUGILIST A close-fisted party who is often
roped in but never gives up till he's out.
PULLMAN PORTER A legalized train-robber.
PUNCH A weekly obituary notice from London,
chronicling the death of Humor.
Never make a mountain out of a mole-hill — Try
gold, silver, copper or radium — there's
more in it.
Charity begins at home — but ends when you
reach The Cook.
f
UACK The Duck family's favorite physi-
cian.
QUAIL
iMilrdlll JC^ ll V. t. , To shrink — a characteristic
of the bird when ordered in a
restaurant.
QUEEN One entitled to rule a nation, make up
a deck, or beat a knave-
QUESTION Is marriage a failure ?
QUEUE The only Mongolian line connecting
America and China.
QUORUM A clumsy individual, all Ayes and
Noes, who is seldom on hand when needed.
Faint heart never won fair lady — but a full purse
can always pull the trick.
1
Man proposes, then woman imposes.
^5rt ABBIT A small rodent, very similar to a
^f\ hare, which feeds on grass and burrows in
'^^the earth. WELSH RABBIT More like a
string, thrives on cheese and burrows in the
stomach.
RACE-TRACK An interesting locality, where
pools are bought and sold in books and the
heat never interferes with the search for the
Pole.
RADIUM A radiant radiator, redolent of ranging
radial rays of radio-activity, raised to radical
rates and regarded as a ruthless rake-off in the
reign of riches within the arrayed radius
of a raging, raving and raided race.
RAG-TIME Music pulled into many pieces —
the invention of a flannel-mouth to which
many have cottoned.
RAPID TRANSIT A municipal myth, circulat-
ed for the amusement of the long suffering
— and slow moving — public-
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY
REFORM In general, a periodic epidemic,
starting with marked heat, followed by a high
fever, and accompanied by a flow^ of ink in
the newspapers, a discharge of words from
the face and a rush of blood to the polls,
leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the
next campaign. In New York, reform has
been confined to a Low attempt at govern-
ment.
REFORMER One who, when he smells a rat.
is eager to let the cat out of the bag.
REGISTER
The only autograph album which
it costs you money to ^vrite in.
REGRETS An excuse for non-attendance at a
social function. Occasionally, an expression
of sorrow ; usually, a paean of praise at de-
liverance from evil.
RELATIONS A tedious pack of people who
haven't the remotest knowledge of how to
live nor the smallest instinct about when to
die.
RELIGION A cloak used by some persons in
this world who will be warm enough with-
out one in the next.
R. E. MORSE A veteran General who com-
mands the largest army in the world.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
REPARTEE The sassy habit of talking back.
REPUTATION A personal possession, frequent-
ly not discovered until lost.
RESIDENCE A rural locality inhabited annually
— for a few hours — by a rich New Yorker
or Bostonian.
RESOLUTION A fragile bit of crockery fashion-
ed on the first day of January and usually
broken on the second-
RESORT (SUMMER) A place where the tired
grow more tired. From Eng. rest^ and Grk,
ori^o, to limit. A place where rest is limited.
REST A trade in which every hobo holds a Union
Card for life.
RESTAURANT An institution for the spread
of dyspepsia. From Lat- restauro, to repair,
and Grk. anti, against. After patronizing,
you're "up against repairs."
RHETORIC Language in a dress suit.
RICE An effective field-piece, used for assault-
ing Chinamen or the newly-married.
ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor
puts it easily in the first rank.
ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on
the East Aurora turf. From Fr. roi, king,
and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of
Grafters.
THE FOOIvISH DICTIONARY.
RUMOR The long-di-tance champion of the
Human Race — a monster with more tales
than an octopus.
RUST Physical dullness.
RUSTIC Mental dullness.
Beggars should never be choosers — though the
beggar often chews what he begs.
A miss is as good as her smile.
ADDUCEE A person holding skeptical
religous views. Hopeless, hence sad you
see.
SAILOR A man who makes his living on watel
but never touches it on shore.
SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make
both ends meat.
SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days.
SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to
get a hanging.
SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly
corners corn, without caws.
SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.
SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes
faces and busts.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a re-
spectable crook.
SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at
sea, but a four-time winner as an " ad." for
tea — and Sir T.
SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for
a living.
SHIRT Every man's bosom friend-
SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by
Presidential impossibilities.
SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.
SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a
man with ginger to take the cake.
SNORE An unfavorable report from head-
quarters.
SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its
pipes on cultivated grounds.
SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians
and jugglers. From Lat- Spadix, branch, or
fork, and ge stamen, burden. A burden for the
fork.
SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspon-
dent, who drops a line by every post.
STARS The greatest astronomers known, having
studded the heavens for ages.
STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in
reforming women.
THE FOOIylSH DICTIONARY.
STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A
Rainy Day.
STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and
sold by gamblers. If you win, it's an invest-
ment ; if you lose, a speculation.
STOVE-PIPE
3C4"
? A movable cylinder used as a re-
cepatcle for smoke and profanity.
SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but
now obsolete except in poetry and the Old
Farmer's Almanac.
SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks
have flown.
SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may
enjoy continuous disturbance of the peace,
disorderly conduct, assault and battery, riot
and rebellion. These events are allowed by
law, and the entry-fee is five cents.
SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those
who employ their time in cultivating a more
definite aim in life rather than in searching
for a larger target.
SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season
invented by rural cottage and hotel owners,
railroad and steamboat companies and the
Iceman.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East,
who goes west daily, operates a heating and
lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures,
developes crops, liquidates the ice business
and tans skins on the side- Profits by his
daily rays and always has a shine.
SYMPATHY
^ Feeling for others ; very noticeable in
Blind Man's Buff.
SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the
modest business established by Captain Kidd.
Fortune knocks only once at a man's door — And
she's the worst Knocker in the world.
m
Brevity is the soul of wit — and the sole charm of
of a bicycle skirt.
AILOR One who takes your measure on
first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and
follows suit until paid.
TALK A continuous performance playing daily
and nightly engagements, with Woman as
the star and Man confined in the Family
Circle.
TELEGRAM
A form of correspondence sent by a
man in a hurry and carried by a boy in
sleep.
TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk.
phonos, murder. A machine in which talk is
murdered.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
TENNIS A game in which the participants
enjoy a racket on the side and raise the deuce
over a net, while the volleys drive them from
set to set and love scores as often as it's
mentioned.
TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely
to make a knife blade dull and a woman's
tongue sharp.
THERMOMETER
A short, glass tube that regulates the
weather — and usually does a poor
job.
THIRST A sensation immediately following
a short session at the free lunch stand.
TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily
but is all in whenever he gets over the bay.
TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair
becomes as soon as her father strikes oil.
TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired
help.
TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed
by but two creatures; a large, green worm
and — man. The worm doesn't know any
better.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently
put out, yet an artist who's a hard worker at
the palate and a great wag among women.
TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious,
causing in its victim a feeling of faintness,
followed by a chill or a sense of loss-
TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable
strength, being able to carry a heavy man
several miles.
TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with adver-
tisements, and occasionally passengers, and
operated by Poles.
TROUBLE Something that many are looking
for but no one wants.
TRUST A small body of capital entirely sur-
rounded by water,
TWINS Insult added to Injury.
TWISTERS
An undesirable thmg to have on
hand-
It s a wise son who can get two birds with One
Bone.
1 1
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken
at the flood, leads on to Fortune — But most
of us catch our watered stock on the ebb.
1
MBRELLA A good thing to put up in
a shower — or pawn-shop ; but, like skating,
never seen after Lent.
UNBOSOMED
A shirt just returned from a steam
laundry.
UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled
by scabs and liable to strike without warning.
UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on
diamonds.
USHER One who takes a leading part in a
theatre.
u
ACCIN ATION Where "jabbing the needle' '
is never a vice-
VAUDEVILLE From Lat- vaut, good for, and
villageois, countryman. Good for country-
men.
VERANDA
^viifn
f 'M
An open air enclosure often used
as a spoon-holder.
rru^
VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice.
VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with
intelligence, but rarely with beauty.
VULGARITY The conduct of others.
A rolling stone gathers no moss — except at
roulette.
m
But a stony roll always gathers the stony staie.
m
'AITER An Inn- experienced servant.
WAR A wholesale means of making heroes
which, if planed in a small way, would pro-
duce only murderers.
^VATER A thin substance applied to stocks
with which to soak buyers.
WEDDING A trade in which the bride is gen-
erally given away, and the groom is often
sold.
WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For
removing easily, marry the wido^v.
WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good
people to account for the singular attractive-
ness of others.
WIDOW^ The wife of a golfer during the open
season, unless she golfs, too. In that event
the children are golf orphans.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form.
WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by
an ephemeral agitation of the nebular strata,
whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into
transitory activity, generates a prolonged
passage through space, owing to certain occult
ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs,
breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales,
simoons, hurricanes, tornadoes or typhoons.
Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but fre-
quently blended with Chicago tongue —
canned or conversational.
WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political
sphere is still slightly flattened at the polls.
WORD Something you must keep after giving
it to another.
WORRY A state of mind that leads some
persons to fear, every time the tide goes out,
that it won't come in again.
WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks.
It's the first straw hat which shows how the
wind blows.
Xi2
A Ride goeth before a Fall. —
See Automobile, Bucking Broncho, Bicycle, Air-
Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.
Ten dollars from a friend.
I
ARN An essential in fabrication — either
woven or narrated. Mill yams are high-
ly colored ; those spun at sea much
more so.
YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound
of a cat, but never a cat-boat.
YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.
YEAR A period originally including 365 days,
now 325, since the other 40 are Lent.
YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the
Hearst newspapers.
THE FOOLISH DICTIONARY.
YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of
its lay.
YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and
the burden of the married.
YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate,
too young to smoke, too tough to burn and too
green to warm up to anybody.
YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go
round ; a product of its own generation, with
its wires carrying Power into the high places
of Earth and with its currents of Thought
short-circuited only by bigoted Old Age.
t
EALOT One who loves morality so well
he will commit crime to maintain it.
ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to
■wear stripes for life.
ZERO Originally, nothing ; but now meaning a
good deal on a thermometer or bank-draft,
and comprising two-thirds of the 400.
ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner.
Old adage, " The longest way round is the
drunkard's w^ay home !"
ZOUAVE
The original Mrs- Bloomer,
P 0 $ t a g e
and
P 0 $ t a I
Info r m a t i 0 n ,
How to Mail a Letter.
After writing it, place it in a square or
oblong envelope — round ones are no
longer fashionable — seal it on the back
and write a legible address on the front ;
then take a two-cent stamp, give it a
good licking and retire it to the corner —
the upper, right-hand corner, on the out-
side— never inside, as the postmaster is
not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a lette**-
POSTAGE AND POSTAL INFORMATION.
box and trust to luck. If it's a love
letter, it will probably reach her all right,
for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries
a stout pair of wings. If it's a bill, by
all means have it registered; otherwise,
your debtor will s\vear he never got it.
If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-
office warning, "Don't send money
through the mails." Wait until you
happen to meet him on the street. If he
sees you first, you lose.
First-class Matter*
Anything you are ashamed to have the
postmaster or postmistress read, and there-
fore seal up, is known as first-class matter.
Also, postal cards, where you're only al-
lowed to argue on one side. If you think
your letter should travel slowly, invest ten
cei?ts in a Special Delivery Stamp. This
will insure a nice, leisurely journey, last-
POSTAGE AND POSTAL INFORMATION.
ing from one to two days longer than by
the cheap two-cent route.
Second-class Matter*
This class was originated for the bene-
fit of Patent Medicine Mixers, who print
circulars on "What Ails You" four times
a year, and pepper the land with " Before-
and-after-taking" caricatures, at the rate
of one cent a pound.
Third-class Matter*
While the quack nostrums travel
second-class for one cent a pound, books,
engravings, manuscript copy, and works
of art have to go third-class and are taxed
one cent for every two ounces. They
must also be left open for inspection, thus
affording the post-office employee a fleet-
ing acquaintance with something really
useful.
POSTAGE AND POSTAI^ INFORMATION.
Fourth-class Matter*
Everything not included in the above,
except poisons, explosives, live animals,
insects, inflammable articles, and things
giving off a bad odor. The last two do
not include T^he Police Gazette or The
Pbilistim.
A F e w
My t h 0 I 0 g i c a I
and Classical
Names.
Brotight down to date in brief
Notes by the Editor*
ACHILLES. A courageous Greek,
who did a general slaughtering business in
Troy in i i 80 B.C., but was finally pinked
in the heel — his only vulnerable spot —
and died.
Long life often depends on being well
heeled.
A FEW MYTHOIvOGICAI.
ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved
by Venus and killed by a boar.
Bores have been the death of us ever since.
BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied
the Gods with nectar, the beer that made
Olympus famous.
Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens
if'* Bacchus is willinV'
CASTOR AND POLLOX. Two
clever sports and twin brothers from
Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and
Pollux a pugilist, whose sister, Helen, a
respectable, married woman, disgraced the
family by eloping with Paris.
Just because a man can break a broncho
or win a prize fight, it^s no sign he can man-
age a woman.
AND CLASSICAL NAMES.
CERBERUS. A. dog with three heads,
a serpent's tail and several snakes around
his neck, who guarded the main entrance
to Hades.
When a man begins to see snakes and one
head looks like three, it^s a cinch he*s not
far from Hell.
CHARON. Thegloomy gondolier of
the Styx, who carried the dead to the
Other World — if they paid him first.
And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid
Transit must pay his fare in advance.
CUPID. The son of Venus and the
God of Love, who with bow and arrows
punctured men's bosoms with the darts of
admiration.
But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with
a snug bathing suit or a decollette gown.
A FEW MYTHOI.OGICAI<
DAEDALUS. The original Santos
Dumont, who invented and successfully
operated a flying-machine that would fly.
His son, Icarus, tried the trick, went too
high and fell into the sea.
A flier frequently precedes a fall — especially
in Wall Street*
DIANA. The goddess of the chase;
unmarried.
And this is very fitting. May the chase
always be for the unmarried only !
HERCULES. The Gritty Greek
(no relation to the Terrible Turk), an in-
dependent laborer, who always had a good
job awaiting him.
It is interesting to recall the days when
non-union labor had all the work it wanted.
AND CIvASSICAIv NAMES*
IXION. A king of Thessaly, who
for his sins was broken on a wheel.
And men have been going broke on ** the
wheel ** ever since.
LOTUS EATERS. A gang of
ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves
and went to sleep.
Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers,
who chew the rag and keep awake.
MERCURY. A celestial messenger-
boy, who wore wings on his shoes and
knew how "to get there" in a hurry.
Now they all wear hobbles, and never
exceed the speed limit in a publk thorough-
fare.
A FEW MYTHOIvOGICAI.
MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the
power of turning into gold all that he
touched.
That^s nothing ! There are plenty of men
to-day who always get gold whoever they
touch.
SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who,
failing to win the man she first loved,
cured herself by jumping into the Medi-
terranean.
She probably acted on the old advice,
** There^s plenty more fish in the sea ! **
TANTALUS. A proud king, who
suffered in Hades the agonies of hunger
and thirst, with food and drink always
in sight, but always beyond reach.
Here on earth, the 50-cent table d*hote
accomplishes the same result — besides cost-
ing you the fifty.
AND CLAvSSICAIv NAMES.
TROY. An ancient, oriental city,
which took in a wooden horse and saw
the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.
Do not confuse with Troy, N. Y., where
they only take in washing and provide a
domestic finish for collars and shirts.
VULCAN. The Olympian black-
smith, who always had his hammer with
him
But not all who carry hammers are black-
smiths.
Legal
and Local
Holidays
i n t h e
Unite d S t a t e s .
JANUARY I, New Yearns Day. On
this day the Flowing Bowl is filled —
and emptied — and the Genial Palm cir-
culated in forty-three States and Terri-
tories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts,
New Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas,
Oklahoma and the Indian Territory there
is no celebration. The natives are too busy
collecting good resolutions and bad bills.
LEGAIv AND LOCAIv HOI^IDAYS
FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday.
(George, not Booker), is remembered by
thirty-eight of the States. On this day,
in the public schools, are shown pictures
of George Chopping the Cherry Tree
and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust,
Valley Forge in Winter, and Mt, Vernon
on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class
recites Washington's *' Farewell to the
Army," Minnie the Spieler belabors the
piano with the "Washington Post
March," and the scholars all eat Wash-
ington Pie, made of *' Columbia, the Jam
of the Ocean."
MARCH J 7, St. Patrick's Day and Evac-
uation Day, when the British redcoats got
out of Boston and Patrick evicted the
snakes from Ireland. For observing the
day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest, and
put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock,
in the buttonhole — the green above he
red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled
egg in the same place.
IN THE UNITED STATES.
APRIL \9, Patriot's Day. A New Eng-
land successor to FAST DAY — the
slowest day of the year. Originally in-
vented for Fasting and Prayer. Now
used exclusively for opening the Baseball
Season, Locating a Seashore Home for
the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted
Diogenes at his Tub.
Little drops of water,
Little lines of hose.
Make the mighty Muster
As ev'ry Laddie knows.
MAY If Moving Day. Observed every-
where by The Restless Tenant.
APRIL 26 ] TMT . t n i^^ ** Dixie "
MAY 30 P^^°"^^^^yM In the North
A Symphony in Blue and Gray.
JUNE \ 1, Bunker Hill Day. Celebrated
in Boston, Mass., by a procession of the
Ancient and Horrible Distillery Company,
a few of the City Fathers in hacks, a
picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and
occasionally a few samples from a Wild
IvEGAIv AND IvOCAL HOLIDAYS
West Show. For 24 hours, pistols and
firecrackers are allowed to mutilate
Young America ad lib.
JULY 4, Independence Day. A national
holiday, invented for the benefit of pop-
corn and peanut promoters; tin horn and
toy-balloon vendors; lemonade chemists;
dealers in explosives; physicians and
surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-
soldier to hear the roar of battle, smell
powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose
a night's rest — or a finger.
LABOR DAY, First Monday in Sep-
tember. The only day when labor works
overtime. An occasion when the work-
ingman takes a cane in place of a dinner-
pail and proudly tramps the streets behind
a real silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a
Cart Horse.
IN T H K UNITED vS T A T IC S .
THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thurs-
day in November). A day devoted to the
annual division of Turkey — with Greece
on the side — by the Hung'ry folks.
DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day, An-
other national holiday, marked by the
following observances: Filling the young
and helpless with a lot of fiction about
Santa Glaus, the old chimney fakir, who
went up the flue long ago; making a
clothesline of the mantelpiece and rob-
bing the forest of its young; swapping
several things we'd like to keep for a lot
of stuff we don't want; and, finally, put-
ting on in church a Sunday night perform-
ance of light opera, known as "The
Sabbath School Concert.'*
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