GREEK WIT.
GREEK WIT
A COLLECTION OF
SMART SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES
TRANSLATED FROM GREEK
PROSE WRITERS
BY
F. A. PALEY M.A.
EDITOR OF MARTIAL'S EPIGRAMS ETC
FIRST SERIES
edition
LONDON: GEORGE BELL AND SONS
YORK STREET COVENT GARDEN
PN
Gill
883
CHISWICK PRESS : C. WHITTINGHAM AND CO., TOOKS COURT,
CHANCERY LANE.
RA.
FEB 1 8 1966
NOTICE.
r T^HE reader will understand that this collection
J- of Anecdotes is made according to no order,
and with no classification in respect of subject or
date. They are taken just as they were noted
down in the course of reading. It is to be observed
also, that in no instance is a literal translation
given. It has been thought advisable in many
cases even to abbreviate, that the point of each may
be conveyed in as few words as possible. For the
purpose intended to amuse, perhaps to instruct
nothing would have been gained by any affecta-
tion of minute accuracy, or by any method or
system of arrangement.
It is believed that most of these " Sayings " are
not commonly known, nearly all of them being
taken from writers little read in the schools. The
series might be extended almost indefinitely.
Should this little work meet with any success.
Part II. will follow at no long interval.
6 NOTICE.
Few English words are more difficult to define
than Wit. In its origin meaning merely shrewd-
ness and intelligence, it has no connection, except
incidentally, with joke and fun. We laugh at the
latter, we admire the former. True wit is more
often allied to satire, and the objects of witticisms,
we know, are but too apt to be offended. Wit
may be simply didactic, and (as in most of the
anecdotes in this little book) convey great truths
in terse or homely sayings, or in friendly banter-
ings ; but its natural bent is mostly displayed in
cutting remarks. Hence we are wont to call wit
"incisive," and to talk of its point, its edge, its
keenness, &c. The greatest wits of antiquity were
the poets Aristophanes and Martial. Alas ! that
their morality was not equal to their genius, or
rather, that their genius should have been perverted
to the making light of immorality ! Among our
national celebrities, Dean Swift, Sheridan, and
Sydney Smith stand unrivalled. Wit is a peculiar
phase of cleverness, possessed by few, but one that
is greatly appreciated by all who are not them-
selves dunces.
LONDON, September, 1880.
GREEK WIT.
ONE day, when snow was falling, the King of
the Scythians asked a man, who was braving
it unclad, whether he felt cold ? The man asked
in return, whether his majesty felt cold in his
face? " Certainly not," said the king. " Then,"
replied the man, "neither do I feel the cold, for
I am all face" AELIAN, Var. Hist. vii. 6.
2.
Xantippe, the wife of Socrates, being reluctant
to put on her husband's mantle to go and see a
procession, was thus rebuked by him : " What
you are going for is not to see, but to be seen."
Ibid. 10.
3-
A vain old envoy from Keos came to Sparta
with his hair dyed, being ashamed to appear aged.
Introduced to the assembly, he delivered his mes-
sage. Upon which Archidamus, the Spartan king,
2 GREEK WIT.
rose and said, ' ' How can there be anything sound
in the words of a man who goes about with a lie
on his head as well as in his heart ? "
AELIAN, Var. Hist. vii. 20.
4-
The elder Dionysius, in reproaching his son and
heir for some act of debauchery, asked, if he ever
knew him, the father, do the like? "You,"
replied the youth, "had not a father who was a
king." "And you," rejoined the other, "will
never have a son a king, if you don't leave oft"
acting thus."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Apoph.
Dion. Sen. 3.
5-
The same Dionysius, imposing taxes on the
people of Syracuse, and observing that they had
recourse to tears and entreaties, and protestations
that they had no money, made the assessment
twice and even thrice. But when he heard that
they publicly laughed and jeered at him, he said,
"Stop! They have no money now; they are
beginning to despise me. " Ibid. 5.
GREEK WIT. 3
6.
A certain stranger came to tell Dionysius that
he could instruct him privately how he might be
forewarned of conspiracies against him. When
introduced, he said, ' ' Give me two hundred
pounds, that you may appear to have had infor-
mation of the secret signs." Dionysius at once
gave the amount asked, that the people might
suppose he had been told something important ;
and he thought the device a clever one.
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Apoph.
Dion. Sen. 8.
7-
A talkative man was trimming the beard of
King Archelaus, and asked, " How shall I cut it ? "
" In silence," replied the king. Ibid. Arch. 2.
Some one having thrown water over Archelaus,
his friends tried to exasperate him against the
man. " It was not I," said the king, "whom he
threw water at, but the person he supposed I was."
Ibid. Arch. 5.
9-
When many great successes in a single day were
4 GREEK WIT.
reported to Philip of Macedon, he exclaimed,
" O Fortune, do me some little harm as a set-off
to so much good ! " PLUTARCH, ut sup. Phil. 3.
10.
Philip, in passing sentence on two rogues,
ordered one of them to leave Macedonia with all
speed, and the other to try and catch him.
Ibid. 12.
II.
When about to encamp on a beautiful spot, and
being told there was no fodder for the cattle,
Philip exclaimed, " What a life is ours, if we are
bound to live for the convenience of asses ! "
Ibid. 13.
12.
Being desirous to occupy a strong position,
which the scouts reported to be almost impreg-
nable, he asked, ' ' Is there not even a pathway to
it wide enough for an ass laden with gold ? "
Ibid. 14.
13-
Some Olynthians complaining that Philip's
courtiers were denouncing them as traitors, he
remarked, "they were rude and illiterate for call-
ing a spade a spade." Ibid. 15.
GREEK WIT. 5
14-
Philip, essaying at a dinner to correct and
criticize a musician's performance, was thus ad-
dressed by him: " Sir, may you never have such
bad luck as to understand these matters better
than I." PLUTARCH, ut sup. Phil 29.
Alexander the Great being asked just before a
battle if he had any further commands, replied,
" Shave the beards of the Macedonian soldiers.
There is nothing like a beard to get hold of in a
fight." Ibid. Alex. 10.
1 6.
Antagoras the poet was cooking a conger-eel
and holding the pan himself, when Antigonus
came behind him and aSked, "Do you suppose
Homer, when he was writing Agamemnon's deeds,
cooked a conger?" "Sir," replied the other,
"do you suppose Agamemnon, the doer of such
deeds, troubled himself to inquire whether any of
his men cooked congers in camp ? "
Ibid. Antig. 17, a#</ATHEN.
viii. p. 340. F.
6 GREEK WIT.
17-
Themistocles, being asked whether he had
rather be Homer or Achilles, replied, " Would
you rather be a conqueror at the Olympian games,
or the crier who proclaims the victors ? "
PLUTARCH, ut sup. Themist. 2 .
18.
A man of Seriphus once remarked to Themis-
tocles, that his greatness was due to his city rather
than to himself. "Well," replied Themistocles,
' ' perhaps I should not have been famous as a Seri-
phian, nor would you as an Athenian." Ibid. 7.
19-
Themistocles said that his son, who knew how to
wheedle his mother, was the most powerful man in
all Greece. " For," says he, "the Athenians rule
the Hellenes, I rule the Athenians, your mother
rules me, and you rule your mother ! " Ibid, 10.
20.
An illiterate man came to Aristides, and asked
him to write on the billet for his banishment the
name ' ' Aristides. " " Do you know him ? " asked
GREEK WIT. 7
the minister. "No, I don't; but I hate to hear
him always called the Just." Aristides made no
reply, but wrote his own name as he was re-
quested. PLUTARCH, ut sup. Arist. 2.
21.
Aristides, being sent out on an embassy with
Themistocles, with whom he was not friendly,
asked him whether they should give up their
enmity at the border of Attica ? " For on return-
ing we can, if we please," said he, "take it up
again." Ibid. 3.
22.
Alcibiades, having bought a remarkably hand-
some dog for a large sum, cut off its tail. ' ' This I
do," said he, "that the Athenians may talk about
it, and not concern themselves with any other acts
of mine." Ibid. Ale. 2.
23-
Being told that Pericles was engaged in consi-
dering how he should give in his accounts to the
Athenians, Alcibiades remarked, "Would it not
be wiser to consider how he should not give his
accounts?" Ibid. 4.
8 GREEK WIT.
24.
Lamachus was blaming one of his officers for a
mistake he had committed. "I will not do it
again," says he. "No," replied Lamachus,
"mistakes cannot be made twice in war."
PLUTARCH, ut sup. Lam.
25-
Iphicrates, fortifying a camp with a mound
and a palisade, though in a friendly country, was
asked, "What have we to fear?" "The worst
words a general can utter, " he replied, are, ' ' /
never should have thoiight it ! " Ib. Iph. 2.
26.
Phocion, rinding that all the Athenians expressed
their approval of a measure he was proposing, re-
marked to a friend, " Surely I have not said some-
thing bad by mistake ! " Ib. Phoc. 4.
27.
Demosthenes, the orator, having said, "the
Athenians will put you to death, if they lose their
wits," some one replied, "And you, if they retain
them." Ib. 6.
GREEK WIT. g
28.
The wife of Pelopidas entreated him, when
going forth to a battle, to take care of himself.
"The advice," he replied, "which should be
given to a ruler and a commander is, to take care
of the citizens." PLUTARCH, ut sup. Pelop. 2.
29.
On one of his soldiers remarking, "We have
fallen in with the enemy," " Rather," said Pelo-
pidas, "the enemy has fallen in with us."
Ibid. 3.
30.
Agesilaus being seen by a friend playing at
horses with his children by riding on a stick, said
to him, ' ' Tell nobody, till you are a father your-
self." Ibid. Apoph. Lac., Ages. 70.
Two persons requested Archidamus to act as
arbitrator in a quarrel. "Will you swear to abide
by my decision?" he asked. On their assent under
oath, he replied, "Then I adjudge that you shall
not leave this temple till you have made friends."
Ibid. Arch. (Zeux.fil.)6.
io GREEK WIT.
32.
The same Archidamus, on receiving a harsh
letter from Philip after the battle of Chaeronea,
said, "If you will measure your shadow, you will
not find it has become longer since your victory. "
PLUTARCH, ut siip. Arch. (Ages, fil.} i.
33-
A Spartan ephor cut two of the strings of a
harp, saying to the performer, " Don't murder
music." Ibid. Emerep. I.
34*
Demaratus, on hearing a player on the harp,
remarked, ' ' He doesn't twiddle badly. "
Ibid. Dem. 3.
35-
Demaratus, being asked at a meeting whether
he was silent through folly or because he had no-
thing to say, replied, "A fool could not be silent."
Ibid. 4.
36.
Eudamidas, hearing an old philosopher lecture,
and being told he was seeking after virtue, asked,
GREEK WIT. ii
" And when will he use it, if he is only now look-
ing for it ?" PLUTARCH, ut sup. Eudam. 2.
37-
Callicratidas, on declining a dishonourable
bribe, was pressed by Cleander, ' ' I would have
taken it if I had been you." "And so should I
have taken it," he rejoined, " if I had been you."
Ibid. Collier, i.
38.
Cleomenes, on being offered some fighting-cocks,
recommended to him as "fighting to the death,"
said, "Give me rather the cocks that will kill
them : they are the better birds."
Ibid. Cleom. I.
39-
Leotychidas, the son of Aristo, was told that
certain people were speaking ill of him. " I am
not surprised," said he : "not one of them knows
how to speak well." Ibid. Leot. I.
40.
A snake having twined itself round a key, which
was declared by the seers to be a portent, Leoty-
i2 GREEK WIT.
chidas remarked, ' ' It would have been more of
a portent if the key had twined itself round a
snake." PLUTARCH, ut sup. Leot. 2.
41.
Philippus, a man in great poverty, professed to
initiate persons in the Orphic mysteries, telling
them they would be the happier for it after death.
"Why, then," said Leotychidas to him, "don't
you die yourself at once, you old fool, that you
may no longer have poverty and misery to be-
wail?" Ibid. Leot. T>.
42.
When some one said to Leonidas, "The enemy
are near us," he rejoined, "And we are near the
enemy." Ibid. Leon. 7.
43-
A Spartan was asked why he wore such a long
beard. He replied, "That when I see the white
hairs in it, I may do nothing unworthy of them."
Ibid. Diaph. Apoph. 3.
*
44-
A Spartan, being told that the guests at a certain
GREEK WIT. 13
banquet were compelled to drink, asked, " Are
they obliged to eat too ? "
PLUTARCH, Diaph. Apoph. 5.
45-
Pindar having called Athens "the support of
Hellas," a Spartan remarked that Hellas would
have a fall if ever it danced on such a support as
that ! Ibid. 6.
46.
Some one seeing a picture of Laconians being
killed by Athenians, observed, "Brave fellows,
these Athenians." " On canvas," interposed a
Laconian. Ibid. 7.
47-
Some one plucked the feathers from a nightin-
gale, and rinding it a very small bird, exclaimed,
"You little wretch, you're nothing but voice!"
Ibid. 13.
48.
A man at Sparta said to a Laconian, " You
cannot stand as long as I on one leg." "No,"
replied the other, "but any goose can" Ibid. 16.
49-
A Laconian painted on his shield a fly not larger
14 GREEK WIT.
than the life. When his friends taunted him with
doing this to escape observation, he replied, "I
do it to be seen, for I come so close up to the
enemy that they can plainly see it, small as it is."
PLUTARCH, Diaph. Apoph. 38.
50.
Some persons meeting on the road a party of
Laconians said to them, "You are in luck, for
banditti have just left the place." "The luck is
rather theirs, in not meeting with us," was the
reply. Ibid. 33.
Si-
Some one seeing the respect paid to elders at
Sparta, remarked, " This is the only place where
it pays one to grow old." Ibid. 57.
52.
A Confessor at the Mysteries asked a Laconian
what most grievous sin he was conscious of? He
replied, "The gods know." Being pressed, he
inquired, " Must I tell you, or the god?" " The
god," was the reply. "Then," said he, " do you
retire." Ibid. 65.
GREEK WIT. 15
53-
A man passing a grave at night saw a ghost.
Rushing at it with his lance, he exclaimed, ' ' You
think to escape me, but look out for a second
death ! " PLUTARCH, Diaph. Apoph. 66.
54-
A Laconian, having met with a defeat in a
wrestling-match at Olympia, was told that the ad-
versary had proved himself a better man. "Not
a better man," said he ; "only a better thrower."
Ibid. 69.
55-
Another Laconian was just going to stab his
enemy when a recall was sounded. Being asked
why he did not slay his foe when he was in his
power, he answered, " Because it is better to obey
than to kill." Ibid. 65.
56.
Apicius, a celebrated glutton, was very fond of
prawns, and used to spend large sums on them at
Minturnse in Campania. Hearing they were still
larger in Libya, he sailed thither without a day's
delay, and had a very rough passage. The natives,
apprised of his arrival, brought their finest prawns
to the ship, " Have you none larger than these?"
16 GREEK WIT.
he asked, on seeing them. "None," they replied.
' ' Then sail back to Minturnae this instant, " said
he to the captain, "and don't touch at land."
ATHENAEUS, i. p. 7. B.
57-
Philoxenus, the poet, was dining with Dionysius.
Observing a large mullet placed before the host,
and a small one before himself, he took his fish in
his hands and applied it to his ear. " What are
you doing?" asks Dionysius. "lam writing a
poem on Galatea, and I was just asking some in-
formation about Nereus. But my fish tells me it
was caught too young, and never went in Nereus's
train. Yours, it says, is older, and knows all that
I wish to learn." Dionysius laughed, and sent the
poet his big fish. Ibid. p. 6. E.
5 8.
An Epicurean was present at a banquet in which
a fine eel was served up. " Here," says he, " we
have the Helen of the feast ! I will be Paris, and
carry her off." And he stripped the whole side to
the backbone. ATHEN. vii. p. 298. D.
59-
Dorion, a flute-player, hearing some one at
GREEK WIT. 17
dinner praise the under-cut of a tunny-fish, ob-
served, ' ' Very true : but you should eat it as I
do. " ' ' How is that ? " ' ' Why, you must like it. "
ATHEN. viii. p. 337. D.
60.
The same Dorion, dining with one Nicooreon
in Cyprus, admired a goblet. " If you like," says
the host, "the artist shall make you just such
another." "Let him make it for you," was the
reply, "and you shall make this one a present to
me." Ibid.
61.
The same Dorion was punishing a slave for not
having bought fish. " Don't you know even their
names ?" he asked. "Salmon, turbot, mullet "
"Do stop," said he; "those are the names of
angels, not offish." Ibid. p. 338. A.
62.
The same artist had a club-foot, and missed the
dress-shoe of the lame foot at a banquet. " My
worst wish to the thief," he exclaimed, " is, that
the shoe may Jit him^ Ibid.
63-
A stole a fish in joke, and gave it to B. Being
C
18 GREEK WIT.
charged with the theft, A says, "I swear that I
have not got it, and I know no one else who took
it." B says, " I swear I did not take it, and I
know no one else who has it."
ATHEN. viii. p. 338. C.
64.
Aristippus was blamed by Plato for having
bought so many fish. ' ' I only gave twopence for
them," said he. "Why," says Plato, "/could
have bought them for that." " Do you see," re-
torts the other, "If my fault is to be too fond of
fish, yours is to be too fond of money. " Ibid.
6 5 .
Theocritus, of Chios, said to one Diocles, a fish-
glutton, who had lost his wife and was cramming
in fish at her funeral feast, while at the same time
he shed tears : " Weep not ; you can do no good
by fish-eating ! " Ibid. p. 344. B.
66.
Demylus, seeing a nice dish of fish at a banquet,
and wishing to have it all to himself, spat into it.
Ibid. p. 345. C.
GREEK WIT. 19
6 7 .
One Stratonicus, a music-master, had only two
pupils, but one statue of Apollo, and nine of the '
Muses. Being asked, how many pupils he had,
he replied, " Twelve including the gods."
ATHEN. viii. p. 348. D.
68.
The same Stratonicus, on giving a performance
at Rhodes, and failing to get any applause, left the
theatre with the remark, " If you won't do that
which costs you nothing, how can I expect to get
any money from you ? " Ibid. p. 350. B.
69.
The same remarked of one Satyrus, a sophist,
that ' ' he was surprised his mother could have
borne for ten months one whom no city could bear
for ten days. " Ibid.
70.
The same, meeting an acquaintance whose shoes
were particularly well blacked, condoled with him
on his fallen fortunes. "For," said he, "none
but yourself could have cleaned those shoes so
well !" Ibid. p. 351. A.
1 The joke is better in the Greek, for <r\iv roTj flo?f has also
the meaning " thanks to the gods."
20 GREEK WIT.
71-
The same, on seeing many dedicatory tablets
at a shrine near a badly-served cold bath, ex-
claimed, "Every bather here leaves a token of
thankfulness for his life." ATHEN. viii. p. 351. A.
72.
The same, hearing some one sing, asked, "Who
wrote the verses?" "The poet Crab." "I
thought," he rejoined, "it was a crab rather than
a man." Ibid. p. 351. F.
73-
The same, coming to a well in a town with pale-
faced inhabitants, asked if the water was drink-
able? "We drink it," said the water-drawers.
" Then," replied he, " it is not drinkable."
Ibid. p. 352.
74-
One Pampelus, being asked his opinion of the
Boeotians, who were gluttons, replied, " Their con-
versation is just what that of pots would be if
they had a voice, namely, how much each holds."
Ibid. ix. p. 418. A.
75-
Pyrrho, of Elis, when one of his friends had
GREEK WIT. 21
given him an expensive entertainment, exclaimed,
" I shall not come to your house again, if you treat
me so. It pains me to see you incurring so much
expense unnecessarily ; why, you have hardly room
at table from the number of dishes ! Entertain us
with mutual conversation rather than with a great
variety of viands, most of which go into the
stomachs of the waiters." ATHEN. ix. p. 419. D.
76.
Plato, living in the Academy at Athens, which
the physicians considered unhealthy, was advised
to remove to the Lyceum. "I would not have
removed even to the top of Mount Athos," he
replied, "for the sake of a longer life."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 10.
77-
It was a saying of Themistocles, " If some one
were to show me two roads, the one leading to
the devil, the other to parliament, I would choose
the former." Ibid. 18.
7 8.
Aristippus the philosopher showed much anxiety
in a storm at sea. " What! you afraid, like the
22 GREEK WIT.
rest ? " asked one of his fellow-passengers. " Yes,"
replied he, " the risk is common to both to you
of losing a wretched, to me of losing a happy life. "
AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 20.
79-
Aristotle, being unwell, was treated by his phy-
sician. On some prescription that was given him
he remarked, ' ' Don't treat me as you would a
country bumpkin. Give me a reason for your
treatment, and I will comply." Ibid. 23.
80.
A certain Sybarite had arrived at such a pitch
of luxurious affectation that he would not sleep
even on a bed of rose-leaves. They blistered him,
he complained. Ibid. 24.
81.
King Antigonus had a great regard for Zeno of
Citium. One day, he paid the philosopher a visit
when a little intoxicated. "My dear Zeno," he
said, " I swear I will do anything you bid me ! "
" Then go and take an emetic," was the reply.
Ibid. 26.
GREEK WIT. 23
82.
A Spartan was praising a saying of Hesiod's,
" Not even an ox would be lost if one had not a
bad neighbour," in the hearing of Diogenes, who
cynically replied, "But the Messenians are lost,
and their oxen too; and j0 ware their neighbours. "
AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 28.
83-
Some one remarked to Socrates, " It is a great
thing to get what one desires. " " It is a still greater
thing," he replied, "to have no desires."
Ibid. 29.
84.
A young man of Eretria had been a pupil of
Zeno's for some time. On his return home, his
father asked him how much philosophy he had
learnt? " I will show you some day," he replied.
At this answer his father boxed his ears, and the
youth bore it patiently. " That is what I have
learnt," he said ; " to bear a father's anger."
Ibid. 33.
85.
Diogenes went to Olympia, and seeing certain
young gentlemen from Rhodes splendidly clad, he
said, "Affectation ! " Soon after, seeing some Lace
* 4 GREEK WIT.
demonians in shabby and dirty attire, he exclaimed,
"Affectation again !" AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. 34.
86.
Anaxarchus used to laugh at Alexander the
Great for calling himself a god. One day he was
ill, and the physician ordered him a pudding.
"All hopes of our god," said Anaxarchus, "lie
in this pudding ! " Ibid. 37.
8 7 .
Plato, observing that the people of Agrigentum
had costly houses and gave costly banquets, re-
marked that they built as if they were to live for
ever, and dined as if they would be dead for ever.
Ibid. xii. 2Q.
88.
Apelles the painter, seeing a picture by another
which had been many years in hand, exclaimed,
" A great work ! A great artist ! It would be
very famous if there were but beauty in it ! "
Ibid. 41.
89.
Hippomachus, a teacher of the flute, struck a
pupil with his stick. " You fool," said he, " you
must have played a false note, or this audience
would never have praised you." Ibid. xiv. 8.
GREEK WIT. 25
90.
The Athenians elected Demades for their general,
to the rejection of Phocion. Demades, full of con-
ceit, asks Phocion to lend him " that dirty old
coat he wears in service." " Yoitll never want
anything dirty, while you are what you are," was
the reply. AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 10.
91.
The poet Agathon made great use of antithetical
sentences. To some one who proposed to omit
them, he replied, " You little know that you are
taking Agathon from Agathon." Ibid. 13.
92.
Pauson the painter was commissioned to paint
a horse in the act of rolling, but he painted it at
full trot. On the objection being made, Pauson
replied, ' ' Turn the picture upside down, and any
horse rolling will be a horse trotting." Ibid. 15.
93-
The people of Chios were engaged in a political
quarrel. The victorious party proposed to eject
all their opponents, but a sagacious citizen said,
26 GREEK WIT.
" Leave some of them at least, for in the course
of time, if we have no enemies to fight, we shall
begin to fight with ourselves."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 25.
94.
Antagoras the poet was violently abusing
Arcesilaus of the Academy, in the public square.
The latter walked about quietly, conversing with
his friends, taking care to go where the crowd was
thickest, that more might be disgusted at the
fellow's insolence. Ibid. 26.
95-
The Persian king sent Antalcidas a chaplet of
roses dipped in a costly perfume. "I am much
obliged to you for your kindness," was the reply,
" but you have quite spoilt the smell of the roses."
Ibid. 39.
96.
Ptolemy (Philadelphus) was very fond of playing
at dice. One day, while so engaged, a minister
came and read out the names of certain persons
condemned, in order to obtain his signature.
Berenice, his wife, would not allow the list to be
read through. "The fall of a man," said she.
GREEK WIT. 27
"is something very different from the fall of the
dice, and is too serious to be discussed at play."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 43.
97-
A bon-vivant of Sybaris came to Sparta, and was
invited to the frugal public meal. " I used," said
he, "greatly to admire the courage of the Spartans,
but now I do not think they surpass others in that
respect. The greatest coward would prefer death
to such a life as this! " ATHEN. xii. p. 518. E.
98.
The people of Cardia were invaded by the
Thracian Bisaltse, and conquered by an ingenious
device of their general Onaris. He had become
aware that the Cardians taught their horses to
dance to music at banquets, standing on their hind
legs and making movements with their fore feet.
He therefore hired a flute-player from Cardia,
who taught the whole regiment of Bisaltse the
proper tunes. So, when the fight was just com-
mencing, the pipers struck up the air, and all the
Cardian horses rose on their hind legs and began
to dance ! Ibid. p. 520. F.
*8 GREEK WIT.
99-
Cotys, King of Thrace, pretended that he was
married to the goddess Athena, and prepared a
fine chamber for her. When tipsy, he sent one of
his guards to see if the goddess was awaiting him
there. On replying, "No," he shot him dead.
This occurred a second time ; a third messenger,
more sagacious, brought word that the goddess
had been expecting his majesty for a long time.
ATHEN. xii. p. 531. F.
TOO.
Some one told Diogenes that he had no sense.
"I have sense," he replied, "but perhaps my
sense is different from yours."
STOB^EUS, Flor. iii. 62.
101.
The same Diogenes, on being sold as a slave at
Corinth, was asked by the auctioneer what he
could do. "Rule men," he replied. "Do you
suppose," asked the other, "that people want to
buy masters ? " Ibid. 63.
102.
Crates compared stupid men to a drill. " Unless
GREEK WIT. 29
you use a strap and apply some force, " he said,
"they will not do the work required of them."
STOB^EUS, Flor. iv. 52.
103.
Demades compared the Athenians to a clarionet.
" Take out their tongues," said he, "and they are
nothing." Ibid. 69.
104.
A schoolmaster was reading badly, when Theo-
critus asked him why he did not teach geometry.
"Because," he replied, "I don't understand it."
"Then why do you teach reading V was the
rejoinder. Ibid. 70.
105.
Socrates, seeing a wealthy but ill-taught young
man, exclaimed, " Look at that golden slave ! "
Ibid. 85.
106.
Stilpo was asked, "What is colder than a statue?"
"A man of no feeling," said he. Ibid. 89.
107.
Socrates used to say, that as it is the attribute
of God to want nothing, so to want as little as
possible comes the nearest to God. Ibid. v. 35.
30 GREEK WIT.
1 08.
Epaminondas, knowing that some ambassadors
had come to bribe him, gave them a very bad
breakfast, and said on parting, " Go and tell your
master the sort of breakfast that satisfies me, and
he will understand that / am not the man to become
a traitor." STOB^EUS, Flor. v. 48.
109.
Diogenes used to say, that many persons make
beasts of themselves in order to destroy their lives,
and yet desire to be embalmed in order to preserve
their dead bodies. Ibid. vi. 3.
no.
Alexander threatened to hang Anaxarchus the
philosopher. "I care not," said he, "whether I
rot above the earth or below it. " Ibid. vii. 30.
in.
Diogenes the cynic, observing a person pretend-
ing to be in love with a rich old woman, said,
" He has not got his eye on her, but his tooth."
Ibid. ix. 61.
112.
Philoxenus was sent to the stone-quarries by
Dionysius for contempt of his verses. Being re-
GREEK WIT. 31
called, he was invited again to hear them. After
listening patiently for a time, he got up to go.
"Whither now?" asked Dionysius. "To the
quarries," says he. STOB^US, Flor. xiii. 16.
"3-
Diogenes, when blamed by an inhabitant of
Attica for praising the Lacedemonians, was asked
why he did not rather take up his abode there.
"A physician," he replied, " studies other people's
health, but does not reside among the healthy."
Ibid. 25.
114.
Bion, when some one at a dinner put on his
plate the whole upper side of a fish as soon as it
was laid on the table, turned it and took the other
half, at the same time quoting a verse from the
Bacchae of Euripides,
"And Ino did the same to th' other side."
ATHEN. v. p. 186. D.
"5-
Eucrates, dining at a house which seemed in-
secure and likely to fall, remarked, " Here one
3? GREEK WIT.
ought to dine in the attitude of the Caryatides,
holding up one's left hand as a prop. "
ATHEN. vi. p. 241. D.
116.
A parasite, having come uninvited to a marriage-
feast, was told to retire, as there was no room for
a supernumerary. " Count again," said he, "be-
ginning this time with me." Ibid. p. 245. A.
117.
King Ptolemy, at a dinner, had a way of leaving
nothing on dishes that were handed round. See-
ing this, a guest asked, " Am I tipsy, sir, or is it
a fancy that these things are going roimd ? "
Ibid. p. 245. F.
118.
A host had placed on his tables loaves of brown
bread. "These are not loaves," says one, "but
ghosts of loaves. " " Don't put too many of those,"
exclaims another, " or the room will be darkened."
Ibid. p. 246. A.
119.
King Lysimachus, who was somewhat stingy,
once put a wooden scorpion into the dress of a
GREEK WIT. 33
parasite, for the purpose of frightening him. " I
will frighten you, sir," he said; "give me two
hundred pounds ! " ATHEN. vi. p. 246. E.
120.
Philip once gave a parasite a horse that had
been badly wounded. The man sold him, and
on being asked some time afterwards by Philip,
" Where's your horse ? " he replied, " He is sold
of his wound." Ibid. p. 248. E.
121.
Alexander the Great was bitten by the flies, and
was trying to drive them away, when a court-flat-
terer remarked, " These flies, sir, will be far supe-
rior to the rest, having had a taste of your blood ! "
Ibid. p. 249. E.
122.
Cheirisophus, a flatterer in the court of Diony-
sius, saw his patron laughing heartily with his
friends, though he himself was too far off to hear
what was being said. "Why do you laugh?"
asked Dionysius. " I trust you" he replied, " for
the joke being a good one ! " Ibid.
123.
A flatterer, seeing Alexander looking very un-
D
34 GREEK WIT.
comfortable after some physic he had taken, asked,
" What must we poor mortals do, when you
gods suffer such twinges?" " Gods, indeed ! " ex-
claimed the king, "say rather, those under the
anger of the gods." ATHEN. vi. p. 251. C.
124.
Democritus, seeing officers taking a thief to
prison, cried out to him, " My poor man ! why
did you not steal much instead of only a little?
Then it would have been for you to take others to
prison." STOB^LUS, Flor. xiii. 30.
125.
A thief excused himself to Demosthenes by say-
ing, " I did not know it was yours." " But you
did know," said the other, "that it was not
yours." Ibid. 32.
126.
Dionysius the tyrant, to put a slight upon Plato,
gave him the lowest seat at his table. "I dare
say," he observed, " when Plato goes back to
Athens he will have plenty to say against us."
"Sir," says Plato, " I hope I may never be so at
GREEK WIT. 35
a loss for subjects of conversation, as to have to
talk about you." STOB^US, Flor. xiii. 36.
127.
Crates, seeing a wealthy young man attended
by a crowd of flatterers, exclaimed, " Poor youth,
I pity your want of friends ! " Ibid. xiv. 20.
128.
Diogenes asked a spendthrift to give him five
pounds. "Why so much," he inquires, "when
you ask others for sixpence only ?" "Because,"
was the reply, " I hope to get something out of
them again, which is more than I can hope from
you." Ibid. xv. 9.
129.
Democrates in his old age being out of breath in
ascending to the Acropolis, observed, " 'Tis the
same with all the citizens plenty of puffing, but
very little of strength." Ibid. xx. 43.
130.
Socrates used to say, that if any crier made
proclamation in the theatre, " Stand up, cob-
blers ! " " Stand up, weavers ! " &c., only those
3 6 GREEK WIT.
named would do so ; but if "Stand up, men of
sense ! " M-ere the order, not one would remain
sitting. The most damaging mistake in life, he
added, is this, that the majority are fools, and yet
believe themselves to be wise.
STOB^US, Flor. xxiii. 8.
Lampis the shipowner was asked, how he ac-
quired his great fortune. ' ' My great fortune, easily, "
he replied ; " my small one, by dint of exertion."
Ibid. xxix. 87.
132.
^schylus, witnessing a boxing-match at the
Isthmian games, when the people cried out at a
hit, exclaimed, "See what practice does! The
man who has made the hit is silent, while the
spectators shout. " Ibid. 89.
133-
Cephisodorus once remarked, that no man ever
squandered a fortune made by himself ; it was that
inherited from another that was wasted.
Ibid. 98.
134.
Simonides used to say, "He never once re-
GREEK WIT. 37
gretted having held his tongue, but very often he
had felt sorry for having spoken. "
STOB^EUS, Flor. xxxiii. 12.
135-
Zeno said to a youth who was more disposed to
talk than to listen, ' ' Young man, nature gave us
one tongue but two ears, that we may hear just
twice as much as we speak." Ibid, xxxvi. 19.
136.
Bion the sophist, seeing an envious man looking
very downcast, remarked, "Either some great
harm has happened to him, or some great luck to
his neighbour." Ibid, xxxvii. 50.
137-
A man of Seriphus, being taunted by an Athe-
nian with the obscurity of his birthplace, retorted,
' ' If my country is a discredit to me, you are a dis-
credit to your country." Ibid, xxxix. 29.
Solon, on being asked how wrong-doing can be
avoided in a State, replied, " If those who are not
wronged feel the same indignation at it as those
who are." Ibid, xliii. 77.
3 8 GREEK IV 'IT.
139.
Socrates used to say, the best form of govern-
ment was that in which the people obey the rulers,
and the rulers obey the laws.
STOB^US, Flor. xliii. 89.
140.
Antisthenes the philosopher declared the com-
mon hangman was more god-fearing than a tyrant,
for if the one puts to death malefactors, the other
kills the innocent. Ibid, xlix. 47.
141.
The same, hearing one say, " This war will be
death to the poor," observed, " Rather, it will be
the creating of many poor." Ibid. li. 1 1.
142.
Aratus of Sicyon, hearing a rash youth praised
for his bravery in war, said, " It is one thing to
prize courage, another thing to disprize life."
Ibid. liv. 15.
143-
Agesilaus was asked why the Laconians wore
their hair long. He replied, "Because of all
personal ornaments this costs the least."
Ibid. Ixv. 10.
GREEK WIT. 39
144.
Aristippus was being blamed by his wife for dis-
liking his own son, " who," she said, " is part of
yourself." Spitting on the ground, he said, " That
too is part of myself, but it is of no use to me ! "
STOB^EUS, Flor. Ixxvi. 14.
145-
An astrologer was displaying a complex map of
the stars in the public square, and pointing out,
" These are wandering stars." " It is not the stars
that are wandering," said Diogenes, "but your
audience." Ibid. Ixxx. 6.
146.
Anacreon, having received from Polycrates a
large sum of money, lay awake two nights thinking
of it. After this he returned it, saying, " It did
not pay for the anxiety." Ibid. xc. 25.
147.
Gorgias, when asked by what course of life he
had attained so great an age, replied, "By never
eating or doing anything merely for pleasure. "
Ibid. c. 21.
148.
Diogenes, noticing a person who had cut off his
40 GREEK WIT.
beard, said to him, " I suppose you intend to
reproach Nature for making you a man and not a
woman." ATHEN. xiii. p. 565. C.
149.
An under-sized flask of wine was sent as a present
to a lady, with the intimation that it was sixteen
years old. "And very small for its age," she
said. Ibid. p. 584. B.
150.
Gorgo, the little daughter of King Cleomenes,
seeing Aristagoras having his shoes put on by a
servant, exclaimed, " Father, here is a gentleman
who has got no hands."
PLUTARCH, Apoph. Lac.
A Spartan, on going to war, complained to his
mother that his sword was rather too short. "Then
get one step nearer," she said. Ibid.
152.
Parysatis, the mother of Cyrus (the younger),
advised one who was about to speak freely to the
king, to use words wrapped in fine linen.
Ibid. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Parysat.
GREEK WIT. 41
153-
Memnon, engaged in a war with Alexander on
behalf of Darius, said to one of his mercenaries,
who was violently abusing Alexander : "I pay
you to fight Alexander, not to revile him." And
he gave him a smart blow with his lance.
PLUTARCH, ibid. Memnon.
154-
Cotys, king of Thrace, was conscious of having
a hasty temper, and punishing his servants too
severely. One day a present was brought to him
of some very costly and delicate porcelain. He
made the giver a handsome present, and immedi-
ately smashed the set, "lest," he said, " I should
punish too harshly in my anger some one who
breaks these." Ibid. Cotys.
'55-
Ateas, having taken captive a celebrated flute-
player, asked him for a tune. When all the
courtiers applauded the performance, he remarked,
' ' My horse can neigh better. " Ibid. Ateas.
156.
Dionysius the elder was blamed for keeping at
court a man of bad character and much disliked by
42 GREEK WIT.
the citizens. His excuse was, " It is my policy to
have some one more hated than myself."
PLUTARCH, ibid. Dionys. Sen.
157.
Philip, King of Macedon, thanked the Athenian
demagogues for their abuse, and said that his
morals were much improved by it, for his constant
endeavour was both by his words and his deeds to
prove them liars. Ibid. Phil. 7.
158.
Philip cancelled the appointment of judge in the
case of a friend of Antipater's who used to dye his
beard. "A man who cannot be trusted in his
hair," he said, "cannot be trusted in business."
Ibid. 23.
159-
Alexander the Great sent a large sum of money
as a present to Xenocrates the philosopher. He
returned for answer, that he did not want it.
"What," asked Alexander, "has he not even a
friend ? All the wealth I got from Darius has not
sufficed for my friends." Ibid. Alex. 30.
1 60.
Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, ordered some young
GREEK WIT. ^3
men who had been abusing him over their wine to
be brought into his presence. "Did you say
that?" he asked the first of them. "Yes, sir,"
was the reply, " and we should have said still more,
if we had had more wine."
PLUTARCH, Pyrrh. 6.
161.
Alcibiades, going to a school, asked for Homer's
Iliad. "We don't keep Homer here," said the
schoolmaster. Alcibiades knocked him down, and
went on. Ibid. Ale. 3.
162.
When the Athenians were making a public sub-
scription for a certain sacrifice, Phocion, being
repeatedly called upon, presented a creditor, and
said, " I should be ashamed at paying you, and
not repaying this gentleman." Ibid. Phoc. 5-
163-
Peisistratus, who was thinking of marrying
again, was dissuaded by his sons, who asked if he
was dissatisfied with them. " Certainly not, " my
dear fellows," he replied; "I wish to have more
like you." Ibid. Pa's. 5.
44 GREEK WIT.
164.
We often hear a father who has lost a son ex-
claiming in great grief, "My dearest son! thou
art gone, thou art snatched away in youth, leaving
me in my old age desolate, no more wilt thou
enjoy the blessings of life," and so on. But if the
departed could speak, he would rather say, "Weep
not for me ; is it so hard a fate not to have lived,
like you, to a feeble, helpless, doting old age ? Is
not the never being thirsty better than drinking,
and the never feeling cold better than having ever
so many clothes?" Why don't you say, "My
dearest son ! thou wilt never be hungry nor thirsty
again ; thou art gone, snatched away from diseases,
wars, oppression ; no more, alack ! wilt thou be
tortured by love, nor become a nuisance to others
in old age?" That is a more genuine lamentation
than yours. LuciAN, De Luctu, iii. p. 928.
165.
Lycurgus encouraged the Spartans to wear their
hair long. " It improves people if they are hand-
some," he said, "and it makes them more fright-
ful if they are ugly."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Lye. i.
GREEK WIT. 45
166.
The same legislator once said to a person who
was recommending democracy, " Try it in your
own households."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Lye. 2.
167.
King Agesilaus, having received a favourable
response from the oracle of Jupiter at Olympia,
was advised further to consult that of Apollo at
Delphi. Whereupon he went to Delphi and in-
quired whether the son is of the same opinion as
his father? Ibid. Ages. 7.
168.
Cato the elder in denouncing the unreasonable
extravagance of the age, said that it was hard to
speak to Belly which had not Ears to hear.
Ibid. Cat. Sen. I.
169.
The same philosopher said he had rather see a
blush on a young man than a pale face. Ibid. 6.
170.
The same, on observing that statues were being
46 GREEK WIT.
set up in honour of many, remarked, "I would
rather people would ask, why is there not a statue
to Cato, than why there is."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Cat. Sen. 10.
171.
The same observed of a spendthrift who had sold
an estate on the coast, " He is stronger than the
sea, for he has eaten up what it can only nibble
at." Ibid. 21.
172.
The younger Scipio, being sent by the senate on
a tour of inspection of the cities, came to Alexan-
dria attended by Panaetius. When the king of
that city could hardly keep pace with them through
laziness and affectation, Scipio observed to his
friend, "Our presence here has done one good
service to the citizens ; it has enabled them to see
their king vvalking." Ibid. Scip. Min. 13.
173-
A soldier, carrying a stake for fencing the camp,
complained of its weight. "Yes," said Scipio,
" for you put more trust in a wooden beam than in
a sword." Ibid. 19.
GREEK WIT. 47
174.
Augustus Caesar, being unable to check the dis-
turbance and clamour of a party of young aristo-
crats, addressed them thus : " Young men, hear an
old man, who, when he was young, was listened to
by his seniors."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. A p., August. 12.
175-
Agasicles, King of Sparta, was asked why, as
he was so fond of hearing discourses, he did not
receive Philophanes the philosopher at his court ?
" I prefer," he replied, " to be the pupil of those
of whom I am also the son."
PLUT. Ap. Lac., Agas. i.
176.
Agesilaus was sharply bitten by an insect in the
very midst of a solemn sacrifice. He took no
notice at the time, but afterwards killed it in the
sight of all. "You deserve it," he said, "for
having malicious designs even against an altar. "
Ibid. Ages. 8.
177.
The same, on seeing in Asia a house roofed
with square beams, asked if they grew in that
48 GREEK WIT.
shape in that country. On the owner replying
"No," he inquired: "Suppose they had been
square ; would you have made them round ? "
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 27.
178.
The same, when some one was extolling the
happiness of the Persian king, then quite a youth,
observed, " Not even Priam had experienced mis-
fortune at his age." Ibid. 37.
179.
The same, on some one showing him the
strength and security of the rampart round his
town, asked if he did not think it a fine place.
"Very," he said, "for women to live in."
Ibid. 55.
180.
The same, being invited to hear some one
exactly imitate the voice of a nightingale, replied,
" I have heard the bird itself many times."
Ibid. 58.
181.
Diogenes, being present at a splendid entertain-
ment given by an uneducated man, made symptoms
as though he wished to spit. After looking round
the room, he suddenly spat on his host ! " I sec
GREEK IV IT. 49
nothing in the house," said he, " so neglected as
yourself, and men always spit in some place where
they find the least care is bestowed."
GALEN, Uporp. Xoy. i. p. 18.
182.
One Stratonicus, a harper, seeing the people of
Caunus in Rhodes looking very bilious, remarked
that this was what Homer meant, when he com-
pared man to the leaves in autumn. On their re-
monstrating against his calling their city unhealthy,
he said that could not be an unhealthy place
where even dead men can walk about.
STRABO, xiv. 2.
183.
The inhabitants of Cyme, in /Eolis, had raised a
sum of money by mortgaging one of their public
piazzas. But, as the loan was not repaid, the
mortgagees took possession of the property, good-
naturedly allowing people to shelter there when it
rained. As this was announced by a crier calling
out " Come under shelter ! " a story arose that the
people were so stupid that they did not know
when to seek shelter unless they were told.
Ibid. xiii. 3.
50 GREEK WIT.
184.
It is said of the inhabitants of lasus off Caria, that
when a certain harper was performing, the people
who were listening heard the bell for the opening
of the fish-market, and rushed off, with the excep-
tion of one man who was a little deaf. The harper
coming up addressed him thus : " My good sir,
I am much flattered by your staying to hear me
when all the rest ran off at the sound of the bell."
" What ! " said he, " has the fish-bell rung ? Then
I'm off too. Good-bye ! " STRABO, xiv. 2.
185.
Alexander, having inspected a portrait of him-
self painted by Apelles, at Ephesus, did not praise
it according to its real merit. But his horse having
been brought in, and neighing at the horse in the
picture as if to a real one, Apelles exclaimed,
' ' Sir, your horse appears to be a much better
judge of painting than you."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. ii. 3.
1 86.
Hippomachus, a noted gymnast, when an athlete
who was being trained by him had performed
GREEK WIT. 51
some feat with the applause of the whole assembly,
struck him with his staff. "You did it clumsily,"
he said, "and not as you ought, for these people
would never have praised you for anything really
artistic." AELIAN, Var. Hist. ii. 6.
187.
Certain persons from Clazomenfe came to
Sparta, and smeared with soot the seats on which
the magistrates sat in discharging their public
duties. On discovering what had been done, and
by whom, they expressed no indignation, but
merely ordered a public proclamation to be made,
" Let it be lawful for the people of Clazomenae
to make blackguards of themselves." Ibid. 15.
1 88.
Philip, being invited to dine with a friend,
brought with him several others whom he met on
the road. Seeirg his host disturbed lest there
should be not enough for all, he sent a message to
them "to leave room for a nice mince-pie." They,
expecting its arrival, ate moderately, and so the
viands provided proved enough for all.
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Phil. 20.
52 GREEK WIT.
I8 9 .
Demetrius the cynic, seeing an illiterate man
at Corinth reading in public a very beautiful book,
no other than the Bacchae of Euripides, where a
messenger describes the death of Pentheus and the
deed of his mother Agave, snatched it from him
and tore it up, saying, " It is better for Pentheus
to be pulled to pieces by me once, than by you
many times ! "
LUCIAN, Adv. Indoct. ii. p. 114.
190.
On some one telling Agis, King of Sparta, that
Philip would make it impossible for the Spartans
to set foot in Greece, he replied, ' ' We are content
to walk on our own land."
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Agid. 14.
191.
An ambassador having come to Sparta from
Perinthus, spoke at great length. " What answer
shall I return to the Perinthians ? " he asked.
"Say," replied the king, "that you talked a
great deal, and that I did not utter a word."
Ibid. 15.
GREEK WIT. 53
192.
Some one asked Alexandridas why the Spartans
give up their lands to be cultivated by serfs, and
do not till them with their own hands. ' ' Because,"
he replied, " it was by minding themselves, and
not their fields, that they acquired them."
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Alex. 3.
193-
When Demades the orator had remarked that
the swords of the Spartans were so short that they
could be swallowed by conjurors, Agis, the younger
king of that name, replied, " We find them quite
long enough to reach the enemy."
Ibid. Agid. Jun. i.
194.
Cleomenes, when asked what was the duty of a
good king, replied, " To do good to your friends,
but harm to your enemies." On which the philo-
sopher Aristo observed, "Would it not be still
better to make your enemies friends, and so to do
good to them also ? " Ibid. Arist. i.
195-
Some one was praising Charilas for being lenient
54 GREEK WIT.
to all alike. Archidamidas thereupon asked, "Is
it any particular merit to be lenient to scoundrels?"
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Arch. i.
196.
Some one was complaining of Hecatseus the
sophist for having nothing to say at meal-times.
Archidamidas observed, " A man who knows how
to speak, also knows when to speak. " Ibid. 2.
197.
Eubo'idas, hearing some persons loud in the
praise of the wife of another, said to them, " No
one should presume to speak about that which he
can have no right to know." Ibid. Eub. I.
I 9 8.
Thearidas, while whetting a sword, was asked
if it was sharp. "As sharp as slander," he
replied. Ibid. Thear.
199.
Cleomenes, having sworn to give the Argives
seven days' truce, attacked them in their sleep on
the third night, and killed many. On being up-
GREEK WIT. 55
braided for his perfidy, "It was a truce for seven
c/ays," he replied.
PLUTARCH, Ibid. Cleomen. Anaxandr. fil. , 2.
200.
Cleomenes, when some envoys from Samos were
urging him at great length to make war against
the tyrant Polycrates, rejoined: " The first part of
your address I cannot remember, the middle of it
I cannot, for that reason, understand, and the
whole I cannot approve." Ibid. 7.
201.
Some one was praising the most valiant fighters,
when a Laconian interrupted with, " Say, at
Troy." A p. Lac. Divers. 4.
202. ,
Another Laconian, seeing some one selling nuts
that no one could crack, at twice their real value,
asked, " Are pebbles then so scarce? " Ibid. 12.
203.
A Laconian was finding fault with the people of
Metapontum for being cowards. " Yet we have
annexed a good deal of territory," said one of them.
5 6 GREEK VYIT.
"Then you are not only cowards," he replied,
" but rogues too." Ap. Lac. Divers. 15.
204.
A Laconian, having been made a prisoner of
war, was being sold as a slave. "Who'll buy a
Laconian?" asked the auctioneer. "Hush!"
exclaimed the prisoner. " Say, a captive"
Ibid. 19.
205.
When a certain bath-keeper was pouring a great
quantity of water for Alcibiades, a Laconian who
stood by observed, " He seems to think him a very
dirty fellow." Ibid. 49.
206.
A family at Calana derived their name of Pious
from a signal act of filial affection ; for when an
eruption of Mount Etna had occurred, they cared
nothing for their gold and silver, but at once took
up and carried, one his aged father, another his
mother. Being unable to advance with sufficient
speed, they were overtaken by the hot lava, but
refusing even then to resign their burden, they
were saved by the stream suddenly dividing and
leaving them in the middle unhurt.
PAUSANIAS, x. 28, p. 867.
GREEK WIT. 57
207.
A Laconian observing some one making a col-
lection "for the gods," said that he had no respect
for gods who were beggars more than himself.
PLUT. Ap. Lac. 54.
208.
Hipponicus, wishing to dedicate a statue to the
honour of his country, was advised to apply to the
sculptor Polyclitus. "No," said he; "when
people see it, they will admire only the work of
the artist, not the liberality of the giver. "
AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 16.
209.
Philip, the son of Amyntas, once asked the
younger Dionysius how it was that he had not
retained the great power inherited from his father?
"Because," he replied, "he left me everything
hut his luck." Ibid. xii. 60.
2IO.
Demonax was accused of impiety for never sacri-
> ficing to the goddess Athena, and for not having
been initiated in the Eleusinian mysteries. His
defence was as follows : " For the first charge, I
5 8 GREEK WIT.
never conceived that the goddess could possibly
want any sacrifices of mine ; and for the second,
the mysteries are either good, or they are bad.
Now, if they are bad, I should feel it my duty to
warn others not to join them ; and if they are good,
I should never be able to keep the secret, but
should tell them to all as a benefactor to my fellow-
creatures." LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 380.
211.
Epaminondas, finding that one of his subalterns
had received a large bribe from a prisoner of war,
said to him, " Give me back that shield ; go and
buy a shop and live there! Now that you have
turned gentleman, you won't care to share our
danger." PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap., Ep. 21.
212.
One Thrasyllus had a strange mania for imagin-
ing all the ships that returned to or left the Piraeus
were his ; and he used to keep lists of them, and
express the greatest delight at their safe return !
On being cured at last of his malady, he declared
that his greatest pleasure in life had been the safety
of ships with which he had nothing whatever to
do. AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 25.
GREEK WIT. 59
213.
Hippocleides, the son of Tisandrus, was a suitor
for the hand of Agariste, the daughter of Cleis-
thenes, tyrant of Sicyon, and had found especial
favour with her father for his good birth and manly
accomplishments. On the day when the favoured
lover was to be chosen, a grand public banquet
was given to the suitors from various countries,
and to all the citizens. In the contests of skill
which followed, Hippocleides seemed to be gaining
the day, when at an unlucky moment he called on
the flute-player to strike up a tune, ordered a table
to be brought, and after dancing upon it, ended by
a " fling " with his legs in the air while he stood
on his head ! This undignified attitude so dis-
pleased Cleisthenes, that he exclaimed to him,
" You have danced yourself out of your marriage."
To which he immediately rejoined, " Hippocleides
does not care for that" And the saying passed
into a proverb. HEROD, vi. 129.
214.
One Boethus had found great favour with An-
tony for a poem he had written on the victory at
Philippi, and had been appointed by him general
60 GREEK WIT.
manager and treasurer of the public games at Tar-
sus. He was detected, however, in pilfering the
oil and other articles under his control, and being
accused of it before Antony, he made this defence :
" As Homer sung the deeds of Achilles, Agamem-
non, and Ulysses, so I have sung of yours." To
which the prosecutor retorted, " But Homer never
stole oil either from Agamemnon or from Achilles."
STRABO, xv. p. 674.
215,
A Spartan went to a cook's shop to have a bit of
fish dressed. "I shall want some cheese and some
oil," said the man. " Do you suppose," asked the
other, "if I had had any cheese, I should have
wanted fish also?" PLUT. Ap. Lac. Divers. 44.
216.
Hiero, tyrant of Sicily, said that people who tell
a secret do a wrong even to those who listen to it ;
for we naturally feel as much dislike for those who
have been told what we did not wish them to know
as for those who tell it.
PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Hieron. 2.
GREEK (VIT. <5x
2i;.
Dionysius the elder, though he punished male-
factors severely, was rather lenient to "garotters."
"They stop people," he said, " from going about
the town of Syracuse drunk after dinner."
PLUTARCH, Dion. Sen. 7.
218.
The same, having heard that two young men
had been abusing both himself and his government,
invited them both to dinner. One of them drank
a quantity of wine, and talked a good deal of
nonsense. The other drank very sparingly and
cautiously. Dionysius forgave the first as a fool ;
the latter he put to death as a dangerous malignant.
Ibid. 10.
219.
Socrates' idea of God's providence over men
was very different from that of most men. They
think His knowledge is only partial ; he believed
God knew all things, what was being said, and
done, and planned in secret ; that He was present
everywhere, and made known His will to men in
all human affairs. XENOPHON, Mem. i. 2, 19.
62 GREEK WIT.
220.
Socrates, hearing some one say he had no appe-
tite, said : " Take my doctor's advice as the best
remedy. Stop eating, and you will find living more
pleasant, as well as much healthier and cheaper."
XENOPHON, Mem. iii. 13, 2.
221.
When some one was punishing his attendant
with severity, Socrates asked him why he was so
enraged with the fellow. "Because," said he,
"he is the greediest, laziest, idlest, most money-
loving of rascals!" "Have you ever seriously
considered," asked Socrates, " whetheryou or the
servant deserve more blows ? " Ibid. 4.
222.
Another person once told Socrates he was quite
exhausted with his long walk. "Did you carry
anything?" asked Socrates. " Only my cloak,"
said he. " Were you alone, or with a servant?" "I
had a servant with me." " Did he carry anything ? "
"To be sure, a large bundle with sundry traps."
"And how did he come off?" asked Socrates.
"Better then I did, I think," was the reply. "And
GREEK WIT. 63
suppose you had had to carry his load what
then ? " "I really couldn't have done it." " And
does it seem to you creditable to a trained man to
bear so much less toil than his own servant?"
XENOPHON, Mem. iii. 13, 6.
223.
Socrates, observing a glutton at table eating
several kinds of delicacies at once with a single
piece of bread, told him that he was doing a great
injustice to the cook's art, by mixing together in
his mouth various ingredients which that artist
would never have put into the same pot !
Ibid. iii. 14, 5.
224.
Dionysius the elder, on certain gifts which he
had presented to the envoys from Corinth being
declined by them because the law did not permit
ambassadors to receive presents from a potentate,
remarked to them: "You are wrong in annulling
the only good act which an absolute ruler can do,
and in showing by your conduct that to be kindly
treated by such an one is a thing to be feared."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap. t
Dion. Sen. 12.
64 GREEK WIT.
225.
Agathocles, who had become King of Sicily,
was the son of a potter. One day, when he was
besieging a town, a soldier from the rampart called
out to him in mockery, ' ' How will you pay your
men, Mr: Potter?" "I'll do that," said he, "if
I get possession of this town." Having taken it by
storm, he sold the inhabitants as slaves, adding,
" If you abuse me again, I shall speak to your
masters about you."
PLUTARCH, Ibid. Agath. 2.
226.
The same potentate, when the people of Ithaca
brought a charge against some of his sailors for
touching at the island and carrying off certain
sheep, replied: "Your king Ulysses came to
Sicily, and not only stole the sheep, but put out
the eyes of the shepherd. " Ibid. 3.
227.
Philip of Macedon being advised by his friends
to banish one of his slanderers, replied: "If I do,
he will go about and abuse me where there are
more to listen to him." Ibid. Phil. 5.
GREEK H'fT. 65
228.
A lady of rank, who was good-looking, but
short in stature, and of a bad figure, was praised by
a poet for being " comely and tall," and "straight
as a poplar- tree. " She, pleased at the compliment,
kept time with her hand to the strain ; and this
went on repeatedly, till some one stooped and
whispered in the poet's ear: "Do stop, or you'll
make the lady stand ^lp"
LUCIAN, Pro. Imag. ii. p. 486.
229.
Eudamidas of Corinth had two devoted friends,
Aretreus and Charixenus. When he died, he left
the following will: " I bequeath to Aretaeus my
dear old mother, to keep and maintain, and to
Charixenus my dear daughter, to get her married
with as large a dower as he can possibly give her.
And if either of these should die, then the survivor
shall take the charge of both." When the will
was read, people thought it a joke, and said they
hoped the two friends liked their legacy ! It so
happened that Charixenus died only five days
afterwards. Aretseus nobly discharged both obli-
gations ; the mother is still living at his expense,
9
66 GREEK WIT.
and the daughter was married on the same day as
his own child, half his small fortune being given
to each. LUCIAN, Toxaris, ii. p. 531.
230.
A wealthy and very handsome man was seen
riding in a chariot, with a wife sitting by him,
hideously ugly, and with only one eye. When the
reason of such a union was asked, " Disinterested
friendship," was the reply. The lady's father, hav-
ing lost all his fortune, was bewailing to his friend
the impossibility of getting a daughter married
who was so plain that hardly any poor man would
take her even with a fortune. "My dear friend,"
replied the other, " don't let that disturb you !
/'// marry the girl myself, off hand ! " And they
were married, and very fond of her he is to this
day. Ibid. p. 534.
231.
Chabrias used to say, "A camp of deer when led
by a lion is more to be feared than one of lions led
by a deer." PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap. t Chad. 3.
232.
Agis, the Spartan king, said his countrymen
never asked the number of the enemy, but only
where they were. Ibid. Ap. Lac., Agis. 3.
GREEK WIT. 67
233-
Lysander, being accused of employing craft in a
manner unworthy of his ancestor Hercules, replied :
" If the lion's skin is not long enough, we must
stitch on to it a fox's skin."
PLUT., Reg. et Imp. Ap. } Lys.'2.
234.
Agesilaus, being asked whether he thought jus-
tice or bravery the greater virtue, answered :
" There would be no need of bravery if we" all of
us were just." Ibid. Ages. 3.
235.
The same, begging the life of a friend from a
king of Caria, wrote thus: "If he is innocent,
acquit him ; if he is guilty, acquit him to please
me ; but acquit him, anyhow." Ibid. 8.
236.
After the defeat of the Spartans at Leuctra,
there was a general panic in the city, since the law
held every citizen to be disfranchised who had
shown cowardice. Agesilaus being appointed by
the State Legislator with full powers to annul the
penalty, made the following proclamation : "From
to-morrow the laws are to be in force" Ibid. 10.
68 GREEK WIT,
237-
Eudsemonides, hearing a philosopher argue that
your "wise man is the only good general, observed :
"Very fine talk ; but the speaker has never had
trumpets ringing in his ears."
PLUT. Ap. Lac., Eudam. 2.
238.
Antiochus, who led the second expedition against
the Parthians, having been separated from his
friends and attendants in hunting, arrived at a
small homestead, and was invited by the rustics to
share their evening meal incognito. He introduced
the subject of the king. "A good sort of fellow,"
they said, ' ' but he gives up too many of his im-
portant duties to good-for-nothing friends, while
he indulges his fondness for the chase." The king
said nothing at the time, but when his body-guards
arrived in the morning, bringing the royal insignia,
he made this remark in the presence of all : " Yes-
terday for the first time since I have had you for
my friends, I was told the truth about myself."
Ibid. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Antioch. I.
239.
When Alcibiades was about to be tried by his
GREEK WIT. 69
countrymen, some one asked him if he had not full
confidence in them. " I would not trust my own
mother," he replied; "She might, by mistake,
throw in a black ballot instead of a white one. "
Ibid. Alcib. 6.
240.
A descendant of Harmodius was taunting Iphi-
crates with his low birth. " The difference between
us is this," he replied, "my family begins with
me, and yours ends with you." Ibid. Iphic. 5.
241.
Chabrias used to say, "That the best generals
were those who knew most about the enemy."
Ibid. Chabr. \.
242.
When a number of prisoners of war were being
sold as slaves by Philip, who at the moment was
sitting with his dress somewhat in disorder, one of
them cried out, " Spare me, sir, as a family
friend ! " When Philip asked the grounds of his
claim, he obtained permission to whisper in his
ear, "Your attitude, sir, is not quite becoming a
70 GREEK WIT,
king." . " Let him go at once," exclaimed Philip ;
" I had no idea the man was so truly my friend."
PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Phil. 19.
243-
On one occasion, when Philip was asleep in the
daytime, and the Greeks who wanted to see him
expressed their disappointment, Parmenio told
them not to be surprised, for Philip had been
wide awake while they were all asleep.
Ibid. 28.
244-
Word was brought to Alexander on the eve of
the decisive battle at Arbeta, that his soldiers
were talking about a secret design to keep all
the spoils to themselves, and reserve none for the
king. "I am glad of it," said he; "it shows
they mean to conquer and not to run away."
Ibid. Alex. 12.
245-
When an Indian chief had surrendered himself
and a strong fortress to Alexander, the king re-
marked : " He is wise in trusting to a brave man
rather than to a secure post." Ibid. 26.
GREEK WIT. 71
2 4 6.
Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, after defeating the
Romans twice with the loss of many of his friends
and generals, exclaimed, " If we gain one more
such victory over the Romans, we are lost."
PLUTARCH, ibid. Pyrrh. Ep. 3.
247.
When Eurybiades raised his staff to strike
Themistocles, he replied : " Strike me, but hear
me." Ibid. Them. 5.
248.
Epaminondas was reckoning with the cook the
cost of some days' entertainment of his colleagues,
and objected to no other expense but that of oil.
When they expressed their surprise, he said : "It
is not the cost, but the regret that so much oil has
been taken by you inside, which would have been
better rubbed on in the gymnasium."
Ibti. Epam. 5.
249.
The same general when an engagement with
the Lacedemonians was imminent, and various
oracles were brought up, some predicting victor)',
others defeat to the Thebans ordered them to be
72 GREEK WIT.
laid in two parcels, one on his right, the other
on his left. Then rising, he said, "Now gentle-
men, if you intend to obey orders and boldly to
face the enemy, here are your oracles on this side ;
but if you intend to shirk the danger, you had
better take the others. " PLUTARCH, ibid. Epam. 8.
250.
On the day after the victory at Leuctra, Epa-
minondas was seen in public shabbily dressed and
unkempt in his person, v> hich was by no means his
custom. "Anything the matter?" asked his
friends. "No," said he; "I am only doing
penance for the excess of joy I felt yesterday."
Ibid. II.
251.
Paullus ^Emilius, during the war against Perseus,
once found his little daughter Tertia in tears.
" What's the matter now?" he inquired. "Perseus
is dead," she said, meaning a lapdog so named.
"I take it as you have said," he replied ; "may the
words bring us luck ! " Ibid. Paul. sEm. 2.
252.
The people of Antioch were in the habit of criti-
GREEK WIT. 73
cising the personal appearance and demeanour of
the actors in the theatre. When a short man came
on to act the part of Hector, the audience called
out, "Where's Hector? You are only the boy
Astyanax! " When a very tall one was to play the
part of Capaneus in scaling the wall of Thebes,
they exclaimed, ' ' Step in ! never mind the ladder ! "
LUCIAN, De Saltat. ii. p. 309.
253.
Another actor was playing the Mad Aj'ax, and
got so excited with his part that he tore the clothes
of one, hit Ulysses over the head with a flute,
and then jumped from the stage and sat down in
the senators' seats between two men of consular
rank, who barely escaped being beaten with his
whip, like the rams in that play. But afterwards
he was so ashamed of this extravagance, that when
the members of his company wanted him to play
Ajax again, he replied : " It is enough to have been
mad once." Ibid. p. 314.
254-
Demonax, hearing a scientific lecture " On the
Antipodes," asked the lecturer to follow him to the
water-side, and pointing to their shadows as they
74 GREEK WIT.
stood on the brink, " Are these, " he asked, " your
Antipodes?" LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 384.
255.
The same, when a certain sorcerer boasted of
potent charms by which he could make people give
him just what he liked, said : " Follow me. I have
one simple charm that will do as much as any of
yours. " Going into a baker's shop he produced a
penny : " Give me a loaf," he said. Ibid.
256.
Herod the Great was in great grief for the un-
timely death of Pollux, and was proposing many
funeral honours, when Demonax came to him say-
ing, "I have a message to give from Pollux."
Herod, believing that he too shared in the general
grief, asked him, what those commands were.
" He is complaining of you," said Demonax, "for
not going to him at once" Ibid. p. 385.
257.
The same told a parent who was much distressed
at the loss of his son, and had shut himself in a
dark room, that he was a spirit-rapper, and would
GREEK WIT. 75
make his son appear, if only he could give him the
names of three persons who had never yet had to
mourn. On his being unable, after much considera-
tion, to do this, Demonax sternly said : "And do
you think, foolish man, that you alone have in-
tolerable woe, when you see yourself that none are
exempt?" LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 385.
258.
The same used to ridicule the pedantry of those
who affected archaic words. To one of these he once
said : " I asked you, my friend, a question in the
language of the day, and you answer it as Aga-
memnon would have done." Ibid.
259.
A friend having said to Demonax, " Let us go
to the shrine of yEsculapius and offer a prayer for
my son's recovery," he replied, " You must think the
god is very deaf, if he can't hear us praying where
we now stand." Ibid. p. 386.
260.
The same noticing two illiterate men, who called
themselves ' ' philosophers, " disputing on some ques-
tion, and one of them putting absurd questions and
7 6 t GREEK WIT.
the other giving equally absurd answers, observed
to his friends : ' ' One of these fellows is milking a
goat, and the other is holding a sieve under it."
LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 386.
261.
Agathocles was boasting that he was the first,
and, in fact, the only logician. "But," said De-
monax, " if you are the first, you are not the only
one, and if you are the only one, you cannot be the
jirst" Ibid.
262.
When Cethegus, a Consular, was about to go
into Asia on an embassy to his father, he did and
said many very absurd things. Some one who saw
this, called him "a great ape." " He is not even a
great ape, " said Demonax. Ibid.
263.
When the philosopher Apollonius, with a troop
of pupils, was leaving town for the purpose of giving
instruction to the king, Demonax exclaimed,
"Here come Apollonius and his Argonauts ! "
Ibid. p. 387.
GREEK WIT. 77
264.
The same, when he was about to make a voyage
in the stormy season, and a friend had said, "Are
you not afraid of your bark being upset, and
yourself becoming food for fishes?" replied, "It
would be ungracious in me to object to that, when
I myself have eaten so many fishes. "
LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 387.
265.
A bad speaker was advised to practise before an
audience. "I always spout by myself, " he replied.
"Then no wonder," says Demonax, " you speak
so badly, with such a fool to hear you."
Ibid. p. 388.
266.
The same, seeing a person undertake the office of
Seer to the State at a fixed salary, said to him : " I
don't quite see on what principle you are paid.
For, if you can alter anything that is fated, you
ask too little, whatever is the amount ; but if
everything must happen as Providence has deter-
mined it, what is the use of your art ? " Ibid.
267.
- The same, on seeing a sleek and well-preserved
78 GREEK WIT.
old Roman fencing against a dummy, said to him :
" You fight well with a wooden antagonist."
LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 388.
268.
Some one, thinking to puzzle Demonax, asked
him, " If I burn a thousand pounds' weight of fuel,
how many pounds of it go into smoke 1 " "Weigh
the ashes," he replied, "and all the residue must
be smoke ! " Ibid. 389.
269.
One Polybius, a stupid sort of man, saying to
Demonax in rather bad Greek, " The King has
done me the honour to make me a Roman," he
replied, ' ' I wish he had made you a Greek. "
Jbid.
270.
The same, seeing a rich man very proud of his
broad woollen mantle dyed with purple, stooped
and whispered in his ear: "Before you wore it,
this was worn by a sheep ! " Ibid.
271.
The same, when some one asked him what he
thought about the state of the dead, said : " Wait a
little, and /'// send you a report. " Ibid.
GREEK WIT. 79
272.
One Admetus, a bad poet, having told Demonax
that he had written an epitaph in a single verse to
be inscribed on his own tomb, the latter replied :
"It is so pretty, I wish it were written there
already ! " LUCIAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 389.
273-
The same, seeing a Lacedemonian flogging his
own slave, exclaimed : " Do leave off showing that
you deserve the very same yourself."
Ibid. p. 390.
274.
The same, observing that some athletes, contrary
to the rules, were fighting unfairly in a scuffling-
match, and even using their teeth, said : " That is
why your modern athletes are so often called lions. "
Ibid. p. 391.
275-
Demonax having paid a visit to Olympia, was
received with all honour by the people of Elis, and
a bronze statue to him was voted at the public
expense. "Don't, gentlemen," said he. "You
will seem to be reproaching your forefathers for
not having set up a statue to Socrates or to
Diogenes." Ibid. p. 393.
8o GREEK WIT.
2 7 6.
The same was once heard to say to a lawyer,
"Probably all laws are really useless, for good
men do not want laws at all, and bad men are made
no better by them."
LuciAN, Demon. Vit. ii. p. 394.
277.
The same, being asked a little before his death,
if he had any commands about his funeral, replied :
"Don't trouble yourselves; the smell will bury
me." When the objection was raised, "It would
be a shame that the body of so old and so great a
man should become food for dogs and vultures,"
he rejoined : " All right, so long as I am of use to
some creatures when I am dead." Ibid. p. 396.
278.
Agesilaus the Great, observing that a malefactor
bore the torture with great firmness, exclaimed,
" What a very great rogue must he be, whose
courage and constancy are bestowed on crime
alone !" PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 2.
279.
The same, having ordered certain prisoners of
war to be sold stripped, and separate from their
GREEK ll'lT. 8 1
clothes, found that there were many more pur-
chasers of the garments, since the white skins of
the prisoners made them look effeminate and un-
serviceable. " These," said he, "are the posses-
sions you fight for, and these are the men you
fight with" PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 13.
280.
The same, being compelled to make a retreat
in a hurry, was implored by a sick friend with
many tears not to leave him. "It is hard," he
said, as he returned for him, "at once to have
wisdom and pity." Ibid. 17.
281.
The same had a favdurite saying, "A general
should show his superiority over the private, not
by having greater comforts in the field, but by
displaying greater courage and endurance."
Ibid. 19.
282.
The same, when asked by some one what was
the chief benefit which the laws of Lycurgus had
conferred upon Sparta, replied: "Contempt of
pleasure." Ibid. 20.
G
82 GREEK WIT.
283.
When some one remarked how simply both
king and citizens were clothed and fed at Sparta,
Agesilaus said, "Ah! my friend, it is from this
that we reap our Freedom."
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 21.
284.
When Agesilaus was passing through Thasos
with his army, the islanders sent him supplies of
flour, with poultry, cakes, and other delicacies.
The flour he accepted, the rest he declined as of
"no use to them." On being blamed for this,
and pressed to accept them, he said, " Divide
them, then, among the slaves ; men who are disci-
plined in courage need them not. What is a bait
to a slave cannot be fit for a freeman." Ibid. 25.
285.
The same, when a lame man going on service
asked leave to have a horse, said to him, ' ' We
want men who will stand, not those who can get
quickly away." Ibid. 34.
286.
When thirty thousand Persian gold coins bear-
GREEK WIT. 83
ing the device of an archer had been sent from
Asia by the Great King to Athens and Thebes
to be distributed in bribes, Agesilaus on his de-
parture from that country said : " Thirty thousand
bowmen are going out by the king's order to make
war with the Spartans."
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 40.
287.
Agesilaus, intending to march through Mace-
donia, sent to ask the king of that country whether
he intended to receive him as a friend or an
enemy. " I will consider," he replied. " Then,"
said the Spartan, "do you think about it, and
we meanwhile will commence our march." The
king very soon sent a message : " Come as a
friend." Ibid. 43.
288.
Some one begged Agesilaus to write to his
friends in Asia, that justice might be done to
him. "My friends," said the king, "do justice
even if I do not write to them." Ibid. 54.
V
289.
Agesilaus used to take little notice of things
84 GREEK WIT.
which others admired, and he liked to show his
indifference. One day a celebrated actor called
Callippidas came forward and addressed the king,
and then intruded himself somewhat pertly upon
his attendants, expecting some recognition. At
last he said, "Don't you know me, sir? Have
you not heard who I am?" The king gave him
a look, and said : "Are you Callippidas, the man
that does the shams ? "
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 57.
290.
The people of Asia being wont to call the Sul-
tan "The Great King," Agesilaus said : " In what
respect is he greater than I, unless he has more
justice and more self-control ? " Ibid. 63.
291.
The same, when some one asked what things
boys ought to learn, replied, ' ' What will be use-
ful to them when they are men." Ibid. 67.
292.
The same, when sitting as judge in a suit, in
which the prosecutor spoke well but the counsel
GREEK WIT. 85
for the defence badly, with the frequent remark,
11 If is the duly of a king to support the law," ad-
dressed the latter thus: "If any one were to
make a hole in your house-wall, or try to rob you
of your mantle, would you invoke the aid of the
architect or the weaver ? "
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 68.
293-
The same, when a letter had been brought to
him from the Persian king after the peace of
Callias, proposing terms of friendship, declined to
receive it. "Tell him," said he, "he need not
send any letters to me individually. If he is a
friend to Greece, I will be a staunch friend to
him ; but if I find him playing double, he is not
to rely on my friendship, however many letters I
may receive from him. " Ibid. 69.
294.
Caius Fabricius, in a conference with Pyrrhus
about the release of prisoners, refused a large sum
of money that was offered. Next day, Pyrrhus
ordered the largest elephant to be brought up
behind him without his being aware of it till it
trumpeted in his ear and suddenly sho\ved itself.
86 GREEK WIT.
Turning round with a smile, Fabricius said :
' ' Neither your bribe yesterday nor your big beast
to-day has any power to move me from my duty."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Af., C. Fabr. 2.
295-
The same, wh&n Pyrrhus invited him to share
his sovereignty as second to himself, replied :
"That would be against your own interest, for if
the Epirots come to know us both, they will pre-
fer me for their king." Ibid. 3.
296.
When the elder Scipio was asked in Sicily what
he had to trust to in sending a force to attack
Carthage, he pointed out three hundred men per-
forming drill under arms, and a lofty tower by the
sea. "Not one of these," said he, "were I to
order him, would hesitate to ascend that tower
and throw himself headlong from it."
Ibid. Scip. Maj. 4.
297.
When King Antiochus had come into Greece
with a great display of military power variously
armed, Titus Quintus removed the fears of the
GREEK WIT. 87
Achoeans by the following anecdote: "I once,"
said he, "was dining with a friend, and expressed
my surprise at such a variety of meat. But my
host explained that though the dressing and the
seasoning differed, it was all pork. In the same
v ay, " he added, ' ' you may be assured that, however
much their arms may be different, these men are
all Syrians." PLUTARCH, Ibid. Tit. Quint. 4.
298.
Agesilaus, finding the allies complained of the
frequent expeditions in support of a mere handful
of Spartans, ordered all the allied forces to sit
in ranks mixed together, but the Spartans in a
separate place. Then an order was given, "Pot-
ters, stand up ! Brass-workers, carpenters, house-
builders, stand up in succession ! " When all the
trades had been so called out, nearly all the allies
were on their feet, but not a single Lacedemonian
(trade of any kind being strictly forbidden). Then
Agesilaus said with a smile: "You see, gentle-
men, how many more soldiers we send out than
you." Ibid. Apoph. Lac., Ages. 72.
299.
The same, in one of his frequent contests with
88 GREEK ll'IT.
the Thebans, had been wounded by a javelin. It
is said that Antalcidas taunted him thus: "It
serves you right: you taught these Thebans to fight
when they had neither the wish nor the know-
ledge.'' PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. 71.
300.
Agis, the son of Archidamus, on surveying the
walls of Corinth, and noticing their height and
strength, asked, " Who are the women who live
in this place ? " Ibid. 6.
301.
The same, when an envoy from Abdera had
made a long address, and asked, "What shall I
report to the citizens?" replied, "That I listened
in silence as long as ever you chose to talk."
Ibid. 9.
302.
The same, when some one was praising the
fairness of the people of Elis in the Olympian
contests, remarked, "They do nothing very won-
derful in acting justly for one day only in Jive
years.'" Ibid. 10.
303.
The same, when he was told that " Some people
GREEK WIT. 89
in the other house envy you," said, "Then be-
sides their own misfortunes, they will have the
good luck of me and my friends to annoy them."
PLUTARCH, Ap. Lac., Ages. u.
304-
Arigeus, on seeing at Selinus in Sicily an in-
scription to certain persons who had died in "ex-
tinguishing a tyranny," exclaimed that it served
them right, for if the tyranny was on fire it ought
to have been allowed to burn itself out ! "
Ibid. A rig. 2.
305.
When a patriotic Athenian was reading a eulogy
on some of his countrymen who had been killed
by the Lacedemonians, Aristo asked him : " What
country did those belong to who killed them ? "
Ibid. Arist. 3.
306.
Archidamus, the son of Zeuxidamus, was im-
plored by the allies in the Peloponnesian war to
put some limit to the taxation. But he replied,
"War does not feed by measure." Ibid. Arch. 7.
307.
Herondas, being present when an Athenian
go GREEK WIT.
court condemned a man for following no profes-
sion, said "he should like to see the person who
had been cast in such a very gentlemanly suit."
PLUTARCH, Ibid. Herond.
308.
Leonidas being told that from the number of
the Persian arrows the sun could not be seen, re-
marked, " Then we shall fight in the shade."
Ibid. Leon. 6.
309-
The same, when Xerxes had sent a letter, de-
manding the surrender of his arms, replied,
" Come and take them." Ibid. 1 1.
310.
The same sent an order to his soldiers "to
breakfast with the prospect of dining in the other
world." Ibid. 13.
3"-
Paullus yEmilius, finding there was much talking
and bragging among his soldiers, issued this order
to them : ' ' Keep quiet, sharpen your swords, and
leave the rest to me."
Ibid. Reg. et Imp. Apoph., Paid. sEm. 3.
GREEK WIT. 91
3 I2.
Cato the elder said he had little hope of a city
in which a fish sold for a larger sum than an ox.
PLUTARCH, Ibid. Cat. Maj. 2.
A certain piper, seeing fishes darting about in
the sea, played them a tune, thinking that perhaps
they would come out and dance on land ! Being
disappointed in this, he took a net and drew out a
large number of them, and while he watched them
leaping about, he exclaimed : " Stop dancing to
me now, as you would not come out to dance
when I piped to you." HEROD, i. 141.
314.
Nitocris, queen of Babylon, had a tomb erected
for herself over a gateway in a thoroughfare of
the city, with this inscription : " If any king of
Babylon after me should be short of money, he
may open this tomb and take as much as he
wants, but only if he really is in need of it."
Darius, thinking it was a pity not to make use of
wealth which he was thus invited to take, opened
the tomb and found no money, but the body with
92 GREEK WIT.
these words written : "If you had not been greedy
of gold and fond of base gain, you would not have
thought of ransacking the graves of the departed."
HEROD, i. 187.
SIS-
Two Spartan boys were fighting, and one gave
the other a mortal blow with a knife. When he
was dying, his companions engaged to avenge him.
"Don't," he said, " it would not be just; for I
should have done it to him, if only I had been
quick enough and had had courage enough."
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Divers. 31.
316.
When Lampis of ^Egina was congratulated for
his wealth as a shipowner, a Spartan observed,
" I don't think much of a prosperity which hangs
on ropes." Ibid. 45.
317.
When some one taunted a Spartan for telling a
falsehood, he replied, ''Well, we are a free people.
Others get flogged if they don't speak the truth."
Ibid. 46.
318.
Amasis, king of Egypt, in his youth was fond
GREEK WIT. 93
of good cheer, and not very scrupulous how he
obtained it. When charged with stealing, his
custom was to appeal to the nearest oracle ; and
sometimes he was condemned by the god, some-
times acquitted. When he came to the throne, he
took no notice of, and sent no presents to, the
shrines where he had been acquitted, but showed
the greatest respect for those who had called him
a thief, declaring they were the only true and
infallible gods ' HEROD, ii. 1 74.
3I9-
Some one was attempting to make a corpse
stand erect, but failing in all his attempts, he
remarked, " Something seems wanting inside it."
PLUT. A p. Lac. Div. 47.
320.
An old man wishing to be a spectator of the
games at Olympia, was at a loss for a seat, and as
he went round looking for one he was jeered by
the populace. At last, when he came where the
Lacedemonians were sitting, all the young and
most of the full-grown men got up to offer him
their place. The assembled Greeks applauded
the act, whereupon he exclaimed with a sigh :
94 GREEK WIT.
1 ' Alas ! all the Greeks know what is right, but
only the Lacedemonians practise it."
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Div. 52.
321.
A beggar asked alms of a Spartan. " If I give
to you," he replied, " you will only become more
of a beggar than you are. The first man who
gave you sixpence is the author of this bad trade
of yours : it was he who taught you to do nothing."
Ibid. 53.
322.
A person with sore eyes was going into military
service. His friends asked him what he expected
to do in that condition ? " Not to see the enemy's
sword," he replied. Ibid. 59.
323.
A Spartan being asked some question, said,
"No." "That's a lie," was the blunt rejoinder.
" Then," said he, "why did you ask, if you know
already?" Ibid. 6$.
324-
Certain envoys came on business of importance
to Lygdamis, tyrant of Lydia. After being put off
many times, at last they were told that he was ill,
GREEK WIT. 95
and could not see them. "Assure him," said they,
"that we have come, not to wrestle, but to talk
with him." PLUT. Ap. Lac. Div. 64.
325-
A Spartan was dining at a table on which
sea-urchins were served. He took one, and not
knowing how to manage it, put it into his mouth
and crttlched it shell and all ! After making wry
faces over it, he exclaimed : " Not very nice eating !
I am not going to turn coward and give you up
now ; but I shall not izkeyou any more."
ATHEN. iii. p. 91.
326.
Some Thracian dinner-parties indulge in a pecu-
liar amusement, playing at hanging. They let
down a noose at a certain height, -and place
directly under it a stone which easily turns round
when any one steps on it. Lots are then drawn,
and the winner has to mount the stone and put his
head in the noose, holding in his hand a curved
knife. Then some one passes and jogs the stone,
and the unhappy adventurer is left hanging.
Unless he instantly cuts the noose, he is a dead
96 GREEK WIT.
man. When such an event happens, the others
laugh, and think it great fun.
ATHEN. iv. p. 155.
Cambyses, having taken prisoner the Egyptian
king, Psammenitus, adopted the following ex-
pedient to try his disposition. He dressed the
king's daughter as a slave, and made her p*ass in a
procession with other young ladies of rank in the
same attire, before the eyes of their parents. All
of these, except the king himself, bewailed the
sad fate of their daughters ; but he merely held
down his head, and said nothing. Then his son
was led past him with a rope round his neck, in
company with many other youths, to be executed;
but the same silence was observed by him, though
the other Egyptians bewailed the young men's
fate. Shortly after this, it happened that an old
friend and companion, reduced to poverty and in
the garb of a beggar, came up to the king, who
broke out into tears and lamentations at the sad
sight. "How is this," inquired Cambyses, "that
you show more grief for a friend in distress than
for a son going to execution ? " " Son of Cyrus,"
GREEK WIT. 97
replied he, "my own woes were too great for
tears. These were more suited to the case of a
friend who has fallen in his old age into poverty
after great prosperity. " Cambyses was so pleased
with the unselfish reply, that he gave immediate
orders to spare the life of the youth ; but he had
just been executed. HEROD, iii. 14.
328.
The same Cambyses sent envoys to the Ethio-
pians, bringing presents of great value, purple
robes, gold chains and collars, perfumery, and
palm- wine. The Ethiopian king took one of the
garments and examined it. "What's this," he
asked, " and how was it made ? " " With precious
dye," they replied. " Dye, you call it? I say that
both it and you are shams ! What about this neck-
chain? Why, I have much stronger chains than
that! Then this sweet stuff?" "A precious
compound, your majesty." "Sham again," he
exclaimed. "But I like your wine. What does
your king, now, eat, and how many years does a
Persian live ? " "He eats bread, made of different
kinds of corn ; and the longest life is about eighty
years." "No wonder," said he, "they are so
short-lived, if they feed on dung! They couldn't
H
9 8 GREEK WIT
live as long as that without this good liquor, in
which, I admit, you Persians beat us hollow ! "
HEROD, iii. 22.
3 2 9.
The same Cambyses was baiting a lion's whelp
with a young dog, his queen being present and
looking on. The dog getting the worst of it, its
brother suddenly broke its chain, and rushed to its
assistance ; and the two together soon worried the
lion. Cambyses was delighted, but the queen shed
tears. "What now?" he asked. "Ah, sir !" she
replied, "when my poor brother Smerdis was put
to death by you, he had no brother to help him ! "
Cambyses, who was half a madman, put her to
death for saying this. Ibid. 32.
330.
The same story is differently told by the Egyp-
tians. They say that, being seated at table with
his wife, he was asked whether a lettuce, which
she held in her hand, and had stripped of its outer
leaves, looked better with the leaves pulled off or
left on. "I prefer it with the leaves on," he re-
plied. "But you," said she, "imitated the let-
tuce stripped, when you left bare the house of your
GREEK WIT. 99
father Cyrus. " In his rage he kicked her, which
caused her death through a miscarriage.
HEROD, iii. 32.
331.
The same once asked a confidential friend called
Praxaspes what the Persians thought of him and
said of him? " Sir," he replied, "they praise you
highly in everything, except that you are rather
too fond of wine." " Oh ! " said he, " they say that
now, do they ? Why, they used to say that I was
a better man than my father ! " Croesus, who was
present, remarked, by way of soothing him, " I
think, sir, that you are not like your father in one
^ respect ; you have not yet such a son to leave be-
hind you as Cyrus- had in you." Upon this the
king turned to Praxaspes, and said, "Now you
shall see whether the Persians are right or wrong
in saying I have lost my senses. If I hit your son,
standing there, in the heart with this arrow, then
the Persians will be proved to be wrong ; but if I
miss, they may call me a fool." He drew his
bow, and the boy fell. " Cut him open," said the
king. " See ! the arrow is in his heart ! Now,
Praxaspes," he added with a laugh, "you see it is
not I, but the Persians who are out of their senses.
ioo GREEK WIT.
Did you ever see such a good shot ? " Praxaspes,
seeing the man was mad, and being afraid for his
own life, replied : " Sir, I don't think Apollo him-
self could have hit the mark as well ! "
HEROD, iii. 34, 35.
332.
Darius once asked some Greeks what they
would take to eat their own fathers when they died ?
Nothing, they said, would induce them to do so !
Thereupon he asked certain Indians, who follow
this custom, and whose answer was made known
to the same Greeks by an interpreter, what they
would take to burn their fathers when they died ?
They, shocked at such a proposal, exclaimed,
" Say it not!" Thus custom is everything, and
Pindar was right in calling it the universal ruler.
Ibid. 38.
333-
The Spartans were so fond of short "Laconic "
speeches, that when certain Samians, wishing to
be very concise, came in a time of need, and hold-
ing up an empty sack, said in assembly, "Bag
wants flour," they replied, "Why waste a word?
You might have held up the bag, and said, " ll'ants
GREEK WIT. 101
flour ! " However, they gave them the aid asked
for. HEROD, iii. 46.
334-
Darius, having put his ankle out of joint, suffered
great pain from unskilful treatment till he was
cured by one Democedes of Crotona, who was
then in slavery. In gratitude, Darius presented
him with two pairs of gold chains. " What ! "
said he, " am I to have double bondage for making
you well?" Ibid. 130.
335-
Maeandrius, governor of Samos, having escaped
with his treasure to Sparta, adopted the following
device to win the confidence of Cleomenes the king.
He had gold and silver goblets set in array, and
told the servants to let themselves be seen polish-
ing them. Then, engaging in conversation with
Cleomenes, he would beg him to walk in. When
the king expressed his admiration of the goblets,
Maeandrius said, " Pray take for yourself as many
of them as you please." Not liking to accept them
himself, and fearing he might get into trouble if
he made a present of them to any of the citizens,
Cleomenes went to the ephors and said to them :
" I think this stranger from Samos had better
102 GREEK WIT.
leave the city, lest he make either myself or some
other of the burghers dishonest."
HEROD, iii. 148.
336.
Etearchus was king of the city Axus in Crete.
Having married a second time, he was persuaded
by the step-mother to persecute and wrongly ac-
cuse his daughter by a former wife, by name
Prudence. Accordingly, he binds by a solemn oath
one Themiso, a merchant of Thera, to carry out
any request he might make ; and his promise
being obtained, he said to him, " Sink Miss
Prudence in the sea ! " Themiso, resolved to keep
his oath to the letter, took her out in a boat, tied
a rope round her waist, and ducked her in the sea.
But he pulled her up again, and they went off
together to Thera ! HEROD, iv. 154.
337-
The Trausi, a people of Thrace, have a peculiar
custom in the event of births and deaths. When
a child is born, the relations sit round it and be-
wail the many miseries it has been born to endure ;
but when anyone dies, they bury him with mirth
and delight, because he is released from so many
ills, and is now quite happy. Ibid. v. 4.
GREEK WIT. 103
Aristagoras, desiring a private conference with
King Cleomenes on a matter of great importance,
requested the young princess, who was about eight
years of age, to withdraw. "Let her stay," said
Cleomenes, "you need not stop on her account."
Then Aristagoras began to offer the king large
sums of money to induce him to join in invading
the capital of the Persian empire. As the offer
rose from ten to fifty talents, the child exclaimed,
" Father, if you don't get up and go, this stranger
will bribe you." Pleased at the child's remark,
the king at once went into another room, and
Aristagoras gave up all hope of winning Sparta
to the cause. HEROD, v. 51.
338.
It was a saying of Cato the Elder, "Those
magistrates who can prevent crime, and do not, in
effect encourage it."
PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Apoph., Cat. Maj. 5.
339-
The same used to say that old age had evils
enough of its own, without adding that of the
shame resulting from vice. Ibid. 15.
io 4 CREEK WIT.
340.
The same declared that a man in a rage differed
from a madman only in the duration of the malady.
PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Apoph., Cat. Maj. 16.
341.
The same told the young men, m praising moral
influence, and to encourage them to fight bravely,
that " as Reason had more weight than the Sword,
so an adversary was put to flight by the voice more
than by the hand." Ibid. 23.
342.
The younger Scipio, on being appointed Censor,
degraded a young man from the equestrian rank,
because at a grand dinner given by him during the
war with Carthage, he had made a representation
of the city in pastry, and put it on the table for
the guests to pull to pieces. On asking the reason
of the sentence, the youth received from Scipio
this reply: "It is because you looted Carthage
before I have done so." Ibid. Scip. Min. II.
343-
The same, when a young man showed him a
shield that was very handsomely decorated, said to
GREEK WIT. 105
him : " Yes, 'tis a very pretty shield ; but a Roman
should carry his hopes in his right hand rather
than in his left." PLUT. Ibid. Scip. Min. 18.
344-
When the rioters in the party of Caius Gracchus
called out " Kill the tyrant !" Scipio said : "No
wonder that the enemies of their country would
fain kill me first, for as Rome cannot fall while
Scipio stands, so Scipio cannot live if Rome falls."
Ibid. 23.
345-
Caecilius Metellus, being advised to attack a
strong position, which he was assured could be
taken with the loss of only ten men, replied, " I
will, if you will be one of the ten."
Ibid. CCEC. Met. I.
346.
The same, when a young officer inquired what
were his plans, replied, " If I thought this waist-
coat of mine knew my secrets, I would take it off
and burn it." Ibid. 2.
347-
The same, though at variance with Scipio in his
lifetime, was afflicted at his death, and desired his
sons to take part in his funeral. " And thank the
io6 GREEK WIT.
gods," he added, "that other nations had not a
Scipio." PLUTARCH, Ibid. Ccec. Met. 3.
348.
Caius Marius, when encamped near a host of
Teutons, in a place without water, pointed out a
stream close to the enemy's rampart, and said :
"You will have to get your drink there, and to
purchase it with blood." "Then," said the men,
"lead us to the spot while our blood is still
liquid, and not yet congealed by thirst. "
Ibid. Marius, 4.
349-
The same, having presented a thousand men of
Camarina with the citizenship in reward of their
valour in the war against the Cimbri, said to those
who objected to the act as illegal, that " he could
not hear the laws through the din of arms."
Ibid. 5.
35-
In the same war, Lutatius Catulus, finding it
impossible to rally his men, who were flying before
the advance of the barbarians, rushed to the front,
that he might seem to the enemy to be leading
troops who were really in headlong flight.
Ibid. Lut. Cat.
GREEK WIT. 107
351.
When Lucullus, after his services in the East,
had given himself up to luxury and indulgence,
and was blaming Pompey the Great for being too
aspiring for his age, the latter remarked, "It is
more unsuited to old age to be luxurious, than to
youth to be a commander. "
PLUT. Ibid. Cn. Pomp. 10.
352.
Pompey, being indisposed, was ordered by his
physician to have a fieldfare for his dinner. As
these birds were out of season, some one said,
" Lucullus keeps fieldfares all the year round ;
ask him. " ' ' What ? " said the patient, " shall it
be said that Pompey would not have been alive if
Lucullus had not been a glutton ? Never mind
the doctor ; I'll take something that is easily to be
had." Ibid. 11.
353-
Cleomenes, king of Sparta, went to the island of
^Egina to arrest certain parties who had been
guilty of betraying Greece to the Persians. In this
attempt he was opposed by a man called Crius
(Ram), who declared he should not carry off as
io8 GREEK WIT.
prisoner any .^Lginetan. On leaving the island
accordingly, the king asked him his name, and on
learning it, exclaimed, ' ' Then, Mr. Ram, put brass
on your horns, for there is mischief in store for
you." HEROD, vi. 50.
354-
Croesus, having received important services from
Alcmaeon, the son of Megacles, sent for him to
Sardis, and by way of reward, gave him leave to
take "as much gold as he could carry off on his
person in one visit to the treasury." Alcmseon
accordingly put on a loose jacket with very wide
pockets, and a pair of the very largest boots he
could find. Then he set to work at a heap of gold-
dust, and first he stuffed his boots and then
crammed his pockets with gold ; next, he powdered
his hair all over with it, and lastly, he filled his
mouth as full as it could be. When Croesus saw
him coming out of the treasury looking like any-
thing rather than a human being, he laughed, and
made him a present of as much more.
HEROD, vi. 125.
355-
Cicero used to say that some orators take to
GREEK WIT. 109
bawling for the same reason that makes lame
people take to horses from infirmity.
PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap., Cic. 3.
356.
The same, when one Nepos told him he had
caused the death of more by his testimony than
he had ever saved by his advocacy, replied, " That
is because my credit exceeds my eloquence. "
Ibid. 5.
357-
When one Nonius told Pompey, after the defeat
at Pharsalus, to take heart, for that there were
still seven eagles with them, Cicero observed,
"That would be good advice, if we were but
fighting with jackdaws." Ibid. 19.
358.
Slander is a most serious evil ; it implies two
who do a wrong, and one who is doubly wronged.
The-slanderer does a wrong in accusing one who
is not present, and the listener also does a wrong
in believing the charge without any full knowledge.
Again, the person slandered, not being present
when the accusation is brought against him, is
no GREEK WIT.
wronged first in being maligned by one, and next
in being believed by the other to be bad.
HEROD, vii. 10.
359-
A rich snob came to Athens, and made himself
conspicuous by the number of his attendants, his
fine clothes, and his jewellery, which he imagined
would excite the envy of the beholders. Unwilling
to impose any restraint on him in a free State, they
resolved to banter him, and so make him ashamed
of his conceit. So whenever in the baths or the
wrestling-schools he elbowed them with his crowd
of servants, some one would remark, not speak-
ing to him, but at him, "I am afraid of getting
killed in bathing, though there is peace in the
bath-room ; I don't see why we want a regiment
of soldiers here." Another, remarking on his
richly-dyed clothes, would say, " Spring flowers are
coming now." "Whence came this peacock?"
" Perhaps these are his mamma's dresses." The
like jokes were made at his gold ring, and the cut
of his hair, and the extravagance of his daily life ;
so that he left Athens a wiser man by having such
lessons read to him in public.
LUCIAN, Nigrin. i. p. 52.
GREEK WIT. in
360.
Megabyzus, being at Byzantium, was told that
the people of Calchedon on the opposite coast had
settled there seventeen years before. "Then," said
he, "they must have been blind at the time,"
the site of Byzantium being so much more beautiful.
HEROD, iv. 144.
361.
Xerxes, in his progress through upper Greece,
was so expensively entertained that private indi-
viduals were ruined by it, and even States could
hardly bear the cost of the daily dinners. Mega-
creon, a citizen of Abdera, wittily advised the
people to make a public supplication in their
temples, that the gods might avert in future at
least half of the threatened expense ; and to render
thanks for past mercies, that the king required
only one meal a day, "for," says he, " if we had to
give him a breakfast as well, we must either leave
the city, or stay and be ruined." Ibid. vii. 120.
362.
Xerxes, on being shown the narrow rocky
ravine through which the Peneus discharges itself
into the sea from the plain of Thessaly, remarked
ii2 GREEK WIT.
that " the Thessalians had shown themselves wise
in submitting to him in time, since he now saw
that they occupied a country so easy to capture."
For he had only to dam up the river, and the
whole plain would be under water.
HEROD, vii. 130.
363.
When Darius had sent messengers to' Athens
and Sparta, demanding ' ' earth and water " in
token of submission, the Spartans flung them into
the pit into which malefactors were thrown, and
the Athenians thrust them into a water-tank,
telling them to take earth and water from thence
to the king. Ibid. 133.
364-
Xerxes, when he was at Abydos, saw ships
laden with corn sailing from the Pontus down the
Hellespont to yEgina and the Peloponnese. His
advisers, regarding them as enemies' ships, wished
to capture them, and waited for the signal. But
Xerxes asked, "What is their destination ? " "To
carry corn to your enemies," was the reply. " And
are not we" he asked, " sailing there too? What
wrong are these men doing us in taking corn there
for our use 1 " Ibid. 147.
GREEK ll'IT. 113
365.
Artemisia, queen of Halicarnassus, who com-
manded a fleet on the side of Xerxes at Salamis,
was hotly pursued by an Attic trireme. To escape
capture, she made a sudden dash at a friendly
galley, and sank it ; and the pursuer, supposing
she must be righting for the Greeks, allowed her
to escape. When Xerxes saw the bold exploit, he
exclaimed, "My men have proved themselves
women, and my women men." HEROD, viii. 88.
366.
Perdiccas, a refugee from Argos, lived as a
serf, feeding sheep for a king in Upper Macedon.
A prodigy having occurred, which seemed to the
king to portend his future greatness, Perdiccas was
ordered to leave his service. This he consented to
do on receipt of his pay. " Pay ! " said the king ;
" Take that gold coin in the sky ; it is about what
you deserve." So saying, he pointed to the sun
which was shining into the room through a hole
in the roof. "That will do," said the youth, who
immediately drew a circle with his knife on the
floor to represent the sun's outline, and bathing
himself thrice in the sunlight, he departed. But
I
n 4 GREEK WIT.
the omen of possession was fulfilled in his becoming
afterwards king of Macedonia. HEROD, viii. 137.
367.
Xerxes, when he fled from Greece, left Mardo-
nius all his costly dinner-service of plate. Pau-
sanias, aware of this, ordered the cooks, after the
death of Mardonius at Plataea, to prepare a dinner
precisely as they would have done for Mar-
donius. When this was ready, and the divans
and gold and silver tables had been duly set out,
he told his own servants to prepare a Spartan
dinner. Laughing heartily at the contrast, he
called his generals and said, ' ' Gentlemen, I
wished to point out to you the folly of this Persian
general, who with all this grandeur came to rob
you of your miserable meal." Ibid. ix. 82.
368.
Stratonicus the harp-player was invited to enter
a house with open doors. At first he was de-
lighted at the hospitality shown him, as being a
stranger to the place, and he complimented the
host on his liberality in placing everything in the
house at the disposal of his guests. But seeing one
CREEK WIT. 115
after another enter, and the house open to all who
chose to lodge there, he said at last to his servant :
" Let us go, boy : we have caught the wrong bird.
I'm afraid this is not a private house, but an inn."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 14.
369.
One Zoilus, of Amphipolis, a pupil of Poly-
crates, was an ill-conditioned and cynical fellow,
who took pleasure in always abusing people.
Being asked by a well-educated man, why he
spoke evil of every one, he replied, "Because I
cannot do them evil, much as I should like it."
Ibid. xi. 10.
370.
Alcibiades took pride in sending many hand-
some presents to his friend Socrates. Xanthippe
was delighted with them, and begged him to take
them. "No!" said he; "let us show him onr
pride in contrast to his, by not accepting them."
Ibid. 29.
371-
On one occasion Alcibiades sent Socrates a large
and beautifully made cake. Xanthippe, who was
rather jealous of the giver, took it out of the
xi6 GREEK WIT.
basket and stamped upon it. Socrates only smiled,
and said, " Now, my dear, you will not get a slice
of it any more than I. "
AELIAN, Var. Hist. xi. 12.
372.
Anaxarchus, being on an expedition with
Alexander in very cold weather, and foreseeing
that the camp would be pitched in a spot where
there was no fire-wood, threw away his camp-
furniture and loaded the bearers with faggots. On
arriving at the end of the march, Alexander, in
order to warm himself, made a bonfire of his sofas.
Being told that Anaxarchus had a good fire going,
he went there, and anointed himself in the warm
tent. When informed of the precaution that had
been taken, he was greatly pleased, and gave
Anaxarchus, in return for the use of his fire, double
the value of the things he had thrown away, be-
sides other garments and furniture. Ibid. ix. 30.
373-
Socrates, observing that Antisthenes always
made a torn part of his mantle very conspicuous,
said, " Do stop displaying those fine clothes of
yours to us." Ibid. 35.
GREEK WIT. 117
374-
A gluttonous man stopped at a shop where some
fish was being cooked, and for a time regaled him-
self with the savoury smell. At last, feeling
hungry, and unable to resist the desire, he told his
servant to go in and buy it. But the price asked,
he was informed, was high. "Then," he said,
" the taste will be all the sweeter."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. x. 9.
375-
Eurydamas of Cyrene won the prize in a boxing -
match. When his teeth had been knocked out by
his antagonist, he swallowed them to conceal from
him the injury he had received. Ibid. x. 19.
376.
A celebrated courtesan once said to Socrates,
" I have more influence than you j I can draw
away all your followers if I please, but you can
win over none of mine." " Perhaps so," said the
philosopher ; " you lead them all down hill,
whereas I make them climb the steep ascent to the
temple of Virtue, a road which is familiar to few."
Ibid. xiii. 31.
n8 GREEK WIT.
377-
Polyclitus the sculptor made two statues of the
same subject one to please the multitude, the
other according to the strict rules of art. In the
former, he would make any alteration that was
suggested by visitors as "an improvement."
When both statues were exhibited together, the
one was ridiculed, the other highly praised and
admired by all. "This, gentlemen," said he,
' ' which you find so much fault with, is your work.
The other is mine." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 8.
378.
Socrates used to say, " Archelaus, king of
Macedonia, has spent two thousand pounds in
having his house adorned by the painter Zeuxis,
but nothing whatever on adorning himself. There-
fore, though many come from far to see the house,
no one makes a journey to Macedonia to see
Archelaus himself. Those who do go are attracted
by his wealth ; but that is not the bait by which
sensible men are caught. " Ibid. 17.
379-
Timandridas, a Spartan, in scolding his son for
GREEK ll'IT. 119
having laid by money in his absence from home,
instead of spending his income in the service of
the gods and his friends, observed that "there is
nothing on earth so discreditable as to seem poor
in one's life, and to be found very rich when one
is dead." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xiv. 32.
380.
Diogenes was taking his breakfast in a small
shop, when he saw Demosthenes pass, and called
to him. As the latter took no notice, he said to
him, "So you are ashamed to be seen in a shop,
are you ? Why, your master, the common people,
comes here every day." Ibid. ix. 19.
381.
Pittacus used to praise working at a mill, be-
cause it allowed many changes of exercise in a
small space. Ibid. vii. 4.
382.
A certain man, not fond of athletics, said he
would not send his slave to the mill for punish-
ment, but make him sit out the games at Olympia
in the full heat of the sun. Ibid.
120 GREEK WIT.
383.
Aristotle, when he left Athens for fear of being
prosecuted, said to one who asked him the cause
of his departure, " Because I do not wish the
Athenians to make two mistakes about Philoso-
phy " referring to the death of Socrates.
AELIAN, Var. Hist. iii. 36.
384-
The Carthaginians put two helmsmen into each
ship, saying that it was absurd to have two steer-
ing-paddles in the stern, while there was only one
to command the ship, and that the person who was
most important to all on board should have no one
to share in his duties or to take his place.
Ibid. ix. 40.
385.
Gorgo, when her father, King Cleomenes, told
her to give a certain quantity of bread to a person
because he had taught him how to make his wine
good, replied, "Then, father, more wine will be
drunk, and the drinkers will be the more hard to
please, and therefore morally the worse for it."
PLUT. Lac. Ap., Gorg. 2.
386.
Nicostratus the harper had a dispute with Lao-
GREEK WIT. lax
dicus, a vocalist. " You," he said, "are small in
a great art, and I am great in a small one."
AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 2.
387.
Socrates, poor as he was, was taunted by Dio-
genes as a luxurious man; "for you have a cot-
tage," he said, " and a truck-bed, and sometimes,
when you dine out, you put on a pair of shoes."
Ibid. II.
388.
Zeuxis, having painted a portrait of Helen,
exhibited it at a certain fixed charge, without the
payment of which none were allowed to visit her.
To tease him for his meanness, the Greeks called
his picture " The Courtesan." Ibid. 12.
389.
Epicurus used to say, "A man who is not con-
tent with a little, is content with nothing."
Ibid. 13.
390.
Aristotle, wishing to cure Alexander of his hasty
temper, which he was apt to display to many,
wrote thus : "Anger is an emotion that is not felt
122 GREEK H'lT.
towards inferiors, but rather against superiors.
As you have no equal, there can be no fit object of
your wrath." AELIAN, Var. Hist. xii. 54.
Socrates, observing that Alcibiades was very
proud of his estate, showed him a map of the
world, and bade him point out Attica. When he
had found it, he told him further "to look for his
own fields." " They are not marked here," said
Alcibiades. "Then," said the philosopher, "you
need not be so conceited about lands which form
no part of the earth." Ibid. iii. 28.
392-
Archytas used to say, " It' is as hard to find a
man without guile, as a fish without a backbone. "
Ibid. x. 12.
393-
A man of Sybaris, accompanying his pupil,
severely reproved him for picking up a fig he had
found on the road. " You are a naughty, greedy
boy," he said, as he snatched it out of his hand,
and ate it himself. Ibid. xiv. 20.
GREEK WIT. 123
394-
Farrhasius, the painter, was defeated in a con-
test at Samos by a rival artist but little inferior in
skill. The subject was inscribed, Ajax contending
li'ifh Ulysses for the arms of Achilles. When one
of his friends condoled with him, he replied, "I
care little for being beaten myself, but I do sym-
pathize with the son of Telamon for failing twice
in the same cause." AELIAN, Var. Hist. ix. II.
395-
Some one was blaming a Laconian for giving
way to excessive grief. " It is not my fault," says
he ; "my nature has a leak in it." Ibid. 27.
396-
When Alexander was at Ilium, some one showed
him, as a curiosity, Paris' s lute. " I would rather
see the lute of Achilles," said he. For the one
had been used for effeminate love-songs, the other
for manly and chivalrous lays. Ibid. 38.
397-
Plato was lodging at Olympia with some
strangers, and delighted them with his affability
and conversation. He said not a word about the
i2 4 GREEK WIT.
Academy, nor about Socrates, but only told them
that his name was Plato. When they paid him a
visit at Athens, he received them in so friendly a
way that they were encouraged to say, " Now do
let us see your namesake, the great associate of
Socrates ; take us to the Academy that we may
have the honour and benefit of hearing him
lecture." With his wonted smile, he replied, " I
am he." They were quite amazed to find him so
simple and good-natured, and able to win friends
and admirers without the customary course of
arguing with them. AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 9.
398.
An architect called Stasicrates, a man of grand
conceptions, and with a mind superior to painted
or sculptured portraits, once came to Alexander
the Great, and proposed to cut Mount Athos into
a giant likeness of the king, holding in one hand a
city of ten thousand inhabitants, in the other a
bowl from which a river should cascade, as if he
were pouring a libation into the sea ! " It is a bold
idea," said Alexander, " but pray let Mount Athos
alone. It is quite enough that it should record the
follies of one king. The Caucasus, the mountains
GREEK WIT. 125
of India, the river Tanais, and the Caspian sea,
shall be so many portraits, not of me, but of my
deeds." PLUTARCH, De Alex. Virtut. Or. ii. 2.
399-
Epicurus used to say, ** Give me a little flour and
water, and I will compete with Jupiter himself for
happiness." AELIAN, Var. Hist. iv. 13.
400.
Archilochus said that money was like a hedge-
hog (or sea-urchin), not very hard to catch, but
very difficult to keep in one's grasp. Ibid. 14.
401.
Themistocles, when walking, happened to find
a golden collar belonging to some Persian. ' ' Here's
a godsend !" he said to his slave. " Pick it up,
boy ; you are not Themistocles." Ibid. xiii. 39.
402.
When the Argives had made alliance with the
Thebans, certain envoys from Athens came to com-
plain of both, and taunted the Argives with having
had a matricide, and the Thebans a parricide,
among their citizens. Upon which Epaminondas
rose and said : " It is very true ; but there is this
126 GREEK WIT.
difference : we Thebans turned out CEdipus, while
you Athenians gave a refuge to Orestes."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. A p., Epam. 15.
403.
Alcibiades, when about to be tried by his
countrymen on a capital charge, absconded, re-
marking that it was absurd, when a suit lay against
a man, to seek to get off, when he might as easily
get away ! Ibid. Alcib. 5.
404.
Homer had been warned by an oracle that he
would die in the island los, and "to beware of a
riddle of young men." It so happened that he
was sitting one day on the shore of that island,
watching some fishermen, to whom he addressed
the question in verse, "Have we got anything?"
One of them replied, in a similar verse, ' ' What we
catch, we leave ; what we don't catch, we cariy
away." Homer, not perceiving that the man re-
ferred in joke to the catching and killing of fleas
upon them, and thinking this must be the " riddle"
meant, went moodily away, tumbled over a stone,
and died on the third day !
PROCLUS, Chrestom. A. 2.
GREEK WIT, 127
405.
An old teacher of philosophy claimed payment
from one of his pupils for instruction. The uncle
of the youth, who had no great love for philosophy,
argued that he had no cause for complaint, since
the wares he had sold a few words only were
still in his possession, and his property had been
in no way diminished. " Besides," said he, "you
have not taught him. My nephew is the greatest
scamp in the neighbourhood!" "Perhaps so,"
said the other, "but if he had not come to me he
would have been still worse. My charge, therefore,
is for the evil he has not done through the respect
he has imbibed for philosophy, though he may not
practise it." LUCIAN, Hermotim. i. p. 825.
406.
One Thesmopolis, a Stoic, was on a journey in
company with a rich and affected lady of rank, who
made a special and urgent request to him : "Do, as
you are so kind and careful, take my dear little
dog Myrtle into the carriage, and look after her,
and see that she wants nothing ! The poor thing is
with pup, and these good for-nothing servants of
mine -von" 1 / attend to her, nor indeed even to their
i 2 8 GREEK Jl'fT.
own mistress, on journeys. So pray be very kind
to my sweetest and most precious little pet !" The
philosopher, anxious to oblige, complied with so
earnest an entreaty. ' ' Myrtle " was snugly ensconced
under his mantle, put her head out from under his
huge beard, and licked his face and whined ; finally
(after certain little mishaps), it gave birth to puppies
under shelter of the cloak! So the joke was
bandied about against Thesmopolis that he had
turned Cynic instead of Stoic.
LUCIAN, De Merced. Conduct, i. p. 692.
THE END.
CHISWICK PRESS: CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND co.
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.
GREEK WIT.
GREEK WIT
A COLLECTION OF
SMART SAYINGS AND ANECDOTES
TRANSLATED FROM GREEK
PROSE WRITERS
BY
F. A. PALEY, M.A.
EDITOR OF MARTIAL'S EPIGRAMS ETC
SECOND SERIES
LONDON: GEORGE BELL AND SONS
YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN
iSSi
CHISWICK PRESS: c. WHITTINGHAM AND co.
TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.
NOTICE.
MY little volume of "Greek Wit," though it
has been received with mixed praise and
blame, yet has met with sufficient success to j ustify
the Publishers in issuing a second series, which
was conditionally promised, and which, it is be-
lieved, will be found on the whole to contain a
better collection of "Sayings" than the former
volume.
The truth seems to be, that some who had ex-
pected, from the title, a "funny" book a mere
collection of light jokes were a little disappointed.
I had taken care to point out the difference between
fun and -wit, and had also noticed the apparent
want of capacity in some persons for really appre-
ciating either the one or the other. To such, of
course, books of this kind will always seem more or
less dull. There are others who can see the wit or
the point of a few anecdotes, but not of the majority.
Not unnaturally, both these regard the selection as
vi NOTICE.
" rather a poor one on the whole ; " and they think,
no doubt (and rightly, according to their own stan-
dard), that a good many might be struck out alto-
gether, and that better, z'.<?., some others more
amusing to them, could easily be substituted.
Two things are to be considered in estimating
Greek wit ; first, that it conies to us under some
disadvantage in translation ; secondly, that what
was wit to a Greek has not necessarily the same
degree of cleverness or originality to us ; and
therefore it is apt to seem what is called " poor
wit." The collection of nearly 800 sayings and
anecdotes in this little work and to get toge-
ther so many from the voluminous extant writings
of the Greeks was impossible without much
labour contains an immense amount of prac-
tical good sense and of real wisdom, often very
interesting from its identity with and its anticipa-
tion of our recognized code of justice and mo-
rality. It is therefore quite as much for their
wisdom as for their wit albeit the words are
etymologically the same that these sayings have
a claim to be appreciated. There is much in them
that is well fitted for quotation even in the pulpit
and in the senate.
NOTICE. vii
I believe by far the larger part of the contents
of these two volumes is quite unknown to ordinary
readers, whose acquaintance with Greek literature
seldom exceeds the limits of school or university
reading. From Plutarch and Lucian alone an
ample gleaning is still to be made, and there are
several authors from whom nothing has here been
taken. I think I could engage to select materials
even for a third series, if I had the time to ran-
sack all the works of the later Greek writers.
But such a work, if worth performing, must be
left to others.
A very considerable portion of the anecdotes
in the present volume are taken from Diogenes
Laertius, whose "Lives of the Philosophers," in
ten books, are less read than they deserve to be.
Athenseus and Stobaeus have pretty largely con-
tributed ; Plutarch's "Lives" have also been
read through with the same object in view, but
to the exclusion of sayings of illustrious Romans,
as not strictly falling under the title of "Greek
Wit." The extensive and very varied "Opera
Moralia" of Plutarch would doubtless have fur-
nished a good number of stories ; but the task of
going through them for this purpose alone was
viii NOTICE.
too serious for me to undertake, much as I regret
the inevitable omission.
Many anecdotes about Socrates are now, I
think, for the first time made accessible to Eng-
lish readers. Diogenes the Cynic will also be a
new acquaintance to many.
I have to thank many Reviewers for kind notices
of the former series. The vanity of an author was
flattered by the appearance, immediately after pub-
lication, of a leading article upon it in one of the
principal daily journals. Not that that review was
altogether favourable to the character and estimate
I had formed of " Greek Wit ; " and perhaps the
real object of it was to show that Greek cleverness
was considerably over-rated. Nevertheless, ex-
perience has shown that the work has been read
by a good many ; and this encourages me to hope
that this volume will prove not less popular than
its predecessor.
LONDON, J^^?y, 1881.
GREEK WIT.
I.
"\7 ANTHIPPE was such a shrew that she once
* pulled Socrates' mantle off his back in the
public square. " Why don't you repel force vviih
force ? " asked his friends. " What ! " replied he,
"that we may have a boxing-match, and each of
you may call out, Go it, Socrates! or Go it, Xan-
thippe!" DIOGENES LAERTIUS, ii. 5, 37.
2.
When Lysias the orator had written a defence of
Socrates, the philosopher read it through, and re-
marked, " It is a fine speech, but not suited to me. "
" How can that be ? " asked Lysias. " Why," re-
plied he, "in the very same way as fine clothes or
fine shoes would not suit me." There was too
much learned law and too little philosophy in it.
Ibid. 40.
3-
Diogenes the Cynic was washing some vegetables,
2 GREEK WIT.
when he saw Aristippus pass. Says the Cynic,
" If you had learnt to clean cabbages you would
not have been a courtier in the halls of the great."
"And if you," retorted the other, " had learnt how
to associate with your fellow men, you would not
now have been cleaning cabbages. "
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 8, 68.
4-
Aristippus, being once asked, what is the use of
being a philosopher, replied, " If all laws are abo-
lished, we shall go on living just as we now do."
Ibid.
5-
The same being once asked by Dionysius, why
philosophers frequent the houses of the rich, but
when men get rich they no longer com.e to the
philosophers, replied : ' ' The one understands
what he needs ; the other has no idea of his own
deficiency." Ibid. 69.
6.
The same, when someone remarked that "he
always saw philosophers at rich men's doors," re-
joined, "And so you see physicians at sick men's
doors ; but one would not therefore rather be a
patient than a doctor." Ibid. 70.
GREEK WIT. 3
7-
The same, when someone was boasting of his
skill in diving, said, "Are you not ashamed at
boasting of what any dolphin can do ? "
DIOG. LAEJRT. Ibid. 73,
8.
Aristippus once asked Dionysius for some money.
" I thought," said he, " a philosopher never felt the
want of it." " We will discuss that point,," replied
Aristippus, "after you have given what I ask."
When Dionysius had given it, he said, "You see
now, I have not felt the want of money,"
Ibid. 82.
9-
Theodorus went to a hierophant called Eury-
clides, and asked him who those were who were
said to "profane the mysteries." "Those," he
replied, "who explain them to the uninitiated."
" Then you are profane," he replied ; " for /have
never been initiated." Ibid. 101.
Demetrius the philosopher said, " W T hat the
Sword is in war, that Reason is in governments."
DIOG. LAERT. v. 5, 82.
4 GREEK WIT.
II.
The same used to say of conceited men, that
" Something should be taken off from their height,
but whatever sense they may possess should be left
untouched." DIOG. LAERT. v. 5, 82.
12.
The same remarked that young men should show
respect to their parents at home, to strangers in the
highway, and to themselves in retirement.
Ibid.
13-
Antisthenes, when a young man who desired to
hear his lectures asked him what he should bring,
replied, "Six things : a copy-book and sense, a
pen and sense, and your short-hand tablets and
sense." Ibid. vi. I, 3.
14.
The same, when told that Plato had been speak-
ing ill of him, observed, "Kings often do welly
and yet evil is spoken of them. " Ibid.
The same, when asked why he had so few pupils,
replied, ' ' Because I drive them out with a silver
wand " (by charging a fee). Ibid.
GREEK WIT. 5
1 6.
Diogenes rubbed some fragrant essence on his
feet. " If you anoint your head," he observed,
" the fragrance goes off into the air and is wasted,
but if your feet, the scent ascends and gives a treat
to the nostrils." DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 39.
17-
The Athenians urged Diogenes to be initiated in
the Mysteries. " You'll hold a higher place in the
other world," said they. " What ! " he replied,
" are such men as Agesilaus and Epaminondas to
pass their existence in the mud down there, while
some nobodies are in the Isles of the Blest just be-
cause they have been initiated ? " Ibid.
1 8.
Diogenes on coming out of a bath, was asked,
" Are there many men inside ? " " No," said he.
" Well, but are there a lot of people ? " " Yes," he
replied. Ibid. 40.
19.
Plato defined, with the approval of his hearers, a
human being as "a wingless biped." Diogenes
pulled the feathers off a cock, and brought it into
the school. " Here's Plato's man" said he. This
6 GREEK WIT,
joke made Plato add to the definition, " A crea-
ture with flat nails." DiOG. LAERT. Ibid.
20.
Antisthenes secretly disliked Plato, and once
paid him a visit when he was ill. Seeing that he
had just been very sick, he said, "Ah ! I see there
is some bile there. But I don't see any of his
affectation." DIOG. LAERT. vi. I, 7.
21.
The same once ironically advised the Athenians
to pass a public vote that asses were horses. When
that seemed to them rather unreasonable, he said,
' ' But you make men generals by a public vote,
who have no military qualities." Ibid.
22.
The same, when a young fellow was boasting
how rich he should be when a cargo of salt fish
arrived from the Pontus, and what attentions he
would then pay him, took him to a dealer in flour
with an empty meal-bag, filled it to the brim, and
was going away, when he was asked for the money.
"This young gentleman will pay for it," he says,
" when his cargo of salt fish comes in." Ibid. 9.
GREEK WIT. 7
23-
Diogenes the Cynic used to say, that when in the
course of his life he saw pilots, physicians, and philo-
sophers, he was disposed to regard man as the most
intelligent of beings ; but when, on the other hand,
he saw people professing to interpret dreams, and
seers, and fools listening to them, or persons vain
of their reputation or their wealth, he thought
there was nothing so devoid of reason as man.
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2. 24.
24.
One day, when he happened to be eating figs,
Diogenes met Plato, and said, "You may have
some of these." Plato accordingly took some and
ate them. "No!" exclaimed he, " I said have
them ; I didn't say you might eat them."
Ibid. 25.
25.
An acquaintance once came with a complaint to
Antisthenes, that "he had lost the notes he had
taken of his lecture." " Then," said the philoso-
pher, "you should have written them on the tab-
lets of your memory." DIOG. LAERT. vi. i. 5.
8 GREEK WIT.
26.
The same, hearing himself praised by some un-
principled men, observed, " I am very much afraid
I have done something wrong."
DIOG. LAERT. vi. i, 5.
27.
The same used to say, "A man should make
such provision for his voyage through life, that even
if he is shipwrecked, it may be solid enough to go
down with him." Ibid.
28.
The same, when asked what good he had got from
philosophy, replied, "The power to keep myself
company." Ibid.
29.
Stilpo, the philosopher of Megara, was accused
of impiety before the Areopagus, for denying the
divinity of the Athena made by Pheidias. " Is
Athena, the offspring of Zeus, divine ? " he asked.
"Certainly," was the reply. "Then," said he,
"the Athena created by Pheidias is not divine."
Being prosecuted for this, he ingeniously pleaded
a quibble, he had not denied she was a god-
dess, but a god (the same in Greek). At which
some wag asked, " How could he be sure of the
GREEK WIT. 9
sex of the statue ? " Nevertheless, the judges con-
demned him to be banished from the city.
Dioc. LAERT. ii. 12, 116.
30-
The same, when Crates had asked him whether
the gods really take pleasure in prayers and the
worship of men, replied, ' ' Don't ask such ques-
tions in the public road, but in private."
Ibid. 117.
31.
The same, when hearing a lecture from Crates,
ran off in the middle of it to buy fish. " So you
leave the subject, do you?" asked the lecturer.
" Not at all, my dear Sir," he replied ; " it is you
I leave ; the subject will wait my return, but the
fish will be sold ! " Ibid. 1 19.
32.
Menedemus the philosopher, hearing a young
man talking very loud, said to him, "Are you
quite sure you wear no appendage behind you ? "
Ibid. ii. 18, 128.
33-
The same, when asked, " Ought a man of sense
to marry ? " replied by another question, " Do you
io GREEK WIT.
think me a man of sense, or not ? " " Of course
you are," said the other. "Well, "he rejoined, "/
am married." DioG. LAERT. ii. 18, 128.
34-
The same, having accidentally eaten in a cook's
shop a piece of meat which someone else had
rejected, grew pale on discovering his mistake.
" Pooh ! " said a friend ; "it is not the meat that
makes you feel sick : it's the idea." Ibid. 132.
35-
The same, hearing one Bion running down the
seers as impostors, said to him, " You are killing
a corpse." Ibid. 135.
36.
Speusippus, the successor of Plato in the Aca-
demy, was afflicted with paralysis, and was riding
thither in a vehicle when he met Diogenes. " Good
day ! " said he to him. "I can't say good day to
you," replied the Cynic, "if you prefer to live on
in that wretched plight ! " Ibid. iv. I, 3.
37-
Hipponicus the geometer had a lazy, stupid look,
and often yawned. Arcesilaus once said of him
GREEK WIT. ii
that "his geometry had flown into his mouth
when he opened it." DIOG. LAERT. iv. 6, 32.
38.
Bion said to a spendthrift who had got through
his estates by his gluttony, "The earth swallowed
Amphiaraus, but you have swallowed the earth. "
Ibid. iv. 7. 48.
39-
The same said of a rich man who was stingy,
"It is not he that possesses the property, but the
property that possesses him. " Ibid. 50.
40.
The same used to say, " We ought not to speak
evil of old age, for we all of, us hope to reach it."
Ibid. 51.
41.
The same remarked to an envious man who was
looking cross, " I don't know whether it is some
harm that has happened to you, or some good to
another." Ibid.
42.
Lacydes the philosopher thought he was doing
a very clever thing in sealing up his pantry-door,
and then, that it might not be stealthily taken from
T2 GREEK WIT.
him, throwing the seal back through a hole in it.
But the servants, observing this, opened the door,
stole what they pleased, sealed it up again, and
popped the seal back through the hole. And he
never found it out ! DIOG. LAERT. iv. 8. 59.
43-
Aristotle, being asked what gain was got by lying,
replied, "The never being believed when one tells
the truth." Ibid. v. I, 17.
44-
The same, being blamed for giving alms to a
worthless fellow, said, " It was the man I felt
pity for, not his character." Ibid.
45-
The same, when asked the difference between
educated and uneducated people, replied, "The
difference between the living and the dead."
Ibid. 19.
46.
The same used to say, " A parent who edu-
cates is more to be honoured than a parent who be-
gets offspring. One is the author of life, the other
the author of a good and useful life." Ibid.
GREEK WIT. 13
47-
The same defined friendship to be "One soul re-
siding in two bodies." DIOG. LAERT. Ibid. 20.
48.
The same observed that some men save as if they
were to live for ever, and some spend as if they
were to die to-morrow. Ibid.
49.
The same, when asked what good he had got
from philosophy, said, " I have learnt to do with-
out bidding, that which others do only from fear of
the laws." Ibid.
50.
When someone asked Diogenes the proper time
for breakfasting, he replied, " If you are rich,
whenever you choose ; if you are poor, whenever
you have anything to breakfast upon."
Ibid. vi. 2, 40.
Si-
Diogenes observing that at Megara the sheep
had thick fleeces, but the boys were poorly clad,
remarked, " It pays better to be a ram in a Mega-
rian's flock than to be a son in his household."
Ibid. 41.
14 GREEK WIT.
52.
Diogenes, seeing a harp-player being deserted by
his audience, said to him, " Good-bye, Mr. Cock."
"Why do you give me that name? " asked the
performer. " Because," he replied, " you make all
get up by your notes." DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 48.
53-
When a young man was making a public display
of his eloquence, Diogenes rilled the front of his
mantle quite full of beans, and sat down just op-
posite. When all the audience stared at him, he
said, " Why do you give up that gentleman, and
turn your eyes on me ? " Ibid.
54-
The same once remarked that it was no wonder
that athletes were stupid, pig-headed fellows, when
they were built up on so much bacon. Ibid. 49.
55-
The same once was begging for a statue as a
present to him. Being asked why he made such
an unreasonable request, he answered, ' ' I am
practising disappointment. " Ibid. 49.
GREEK WIT. 15
S 6.
The same used once to beg alms, and on one oc-
casion he made this appeal : " If you ever gave to
anyone, give to me ; if not, begin charity with
me." DIOG. LAERT. Ibid. 50.
57-
The same being asked what creature gives the
worst bite, " Of wild beasts, the Informer : of tame
beasts, the Flatterer." Ibid. 51.
58.
The same, on seeing two Centaurs very badly
drawn, asked, " Which of these is Chiron ? " (i.e.
the worse). Ibid.
59-
Diogenes the Cynic, finding no one attended his
lectures, began to play a lively air on the flute. He
soon collected an audience, and reproached them
thus : " You make it a serious business to attend a
nonsensical performance, but hang back from
serious instructions with the utmost indifference. "
Ibid. vi. 2, 27.
60.
The same philosopher was once offered for sale
16 GREEK WIT,
in the slave-market. On being told he was not
permitted to sit down, he exclaimed, "It doesn't
matter, surely ; fish are sold in whatever position
they chance to lie." When he had been purchased
by one Xeniades, he said to his new master, ( ' It
will be for you to obey me. One would have to
obey the doctor, or the steersman in a ship, even
if they were slaves." DIOG. LAERT. 29.
61.
On another occasion, when Diogenes had said to
his master Xeniades, "Come, do as you are bid,"
the latter in surprise quoted a proverb meaning
that " truly things are now changed." "Suppose,"
replied Diogenes, ' ' you had paid money to a phy-
sician because you were ill, and then, instead of
following his advice, said to him, truly things are
now changed" Ibid. vi. 2, 36.
62.
Diogenes being asked what sort of a character
he thought Socrates, replied, "Cracked."
Ibid. 54.
63-
The same Xeniades retained Diogenes long in
his service, and he was buried by his master's sons.
GREEK WIT. 17
On being asked in his last illness how he wished
to be buried, he replied, " With my face down-
wards." "Why?" they asked. "Because," he
replied (in reference to the Macedonian supremacy),
** in a very short time things will be turned upside
down." DIOG. LAERT. ibid. vi. 2, 31.
64.
The same, being grossly insulted and beaten by
some young men, made a list of them, and went
about with their names conspicuously written hang-
ing about him. Ibid. 33.
65.
The same, when some strangers were anxious to
see Demosthenes, pointed at him with his middle
finger, and said, "That's the Athenian dema-
gogue." Ibid. 34.
66.
The same, when some one had dropped a loaf,
and thought himself too much of a gentleman to
pick it up, byway of reading him a practical lesson
on his folly, tied a string to the neck of a pot, and
dragged it through the Cerameicus. Ibid. 35.
67.
The same philosopher said most people's mad-
2 c
i8 GREEK WIT.
ness was distinguished by a finger. Go with your
middle finger extended, and people will say you
are crazy ; go with your forefinger out, as if point-
ing, and no one will notice it.
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 35.
68.
The same used to say, " Things of great value
are sold for next to nothing, and things that are
worthless for a very high price. One has to give a
hundred pounds for a statue, while a pint of flour
costs twopence." Ibid.
69.
When some one had given Diogenes a knock
with a beam, and called out, " Take care ! " he
asked, " Are you going to hit me again ? "
Ibid. vi. 2, 41.
70.
When Perdiccas had threatened Diogenes that
if he did not come to him he would kill him, he
replied: " No great feat that any venomous crea-
ture could do the same. Tell him rather to threaten
to live happily without me." Ibid. 44.
71.
Diogenes said to one who was having his shoes
GREEK WIT. 19
put on him by a servant, " You'll want help next
in blowing your own nose. It will come to that, if
you have so little use of your hands."
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 44.
72.
Diogenes was once enjoying the sunshine, when
Alexander the Great came to see him. " Ask me,"
says the king, " any favour you please." "Just
stand out of the light then," replied Diogenes.
Ibid. vi. 2, 38.
73-
The same, when some one had been reading at
great length, and showed a glimpse of an unwritten
page at the end of the book, called out to the au-
dience, " Courage, my lads ! I descry land ahead."
Ibid.
74-
The same, hearing some one maintain that there
was no such a thing as motion, got up and walked
about. Ibid. 39.
75-
Another was delivering a lecture on the heavenly
bodies. " How long is it since you came down
from the sky ? " asked Diogenes. Ibid. 39.
20 GREEK WIT.
76.
The attendant of an immoral man had inscribed
over the door, Let no evil enter here. ' ' Then how
and where is your master to enter ? " asked Dio-
genes. DIOG. LAERT. ibid.
77-
Diogenes seeing certain officials taking to prison
a steward who had stolen a cup, remarked, " Here
are the big thieves carrying off the little thief."
Ibid. 45.
78.
Diogenes seeing a dirtily-kept bath, asked,
" Where do people wash themselves, who wash
here ? " Ibid. 47.
79-
The question was put to Aristotle, how pupils
can best make progress in their studies? "Let
them try to overtake those already ahead of them, "
he replied, " without waiting for the laggards to
come up with them." Ibid. v. I, 20.
80.
The same assured a chatterbox, who expressed a
fear that he had tired him with his talk, that he
need not apologize ; he had not listened to a single
word. Ibid.
GREEK WIT. 21
8l.
The same being asked how we ought to behave
to our friends, replied, " as we would wish them to
behave toward us." DIOG. LAERT. v. I, 21.
82.
Lycon the philosopher made the feeling remark :
" It is a great distress to a father to see a daughter
getting past her prime because she has not money
to marry on." Ibid. v. 4, 65.
S3-
Demetrius, a pupil of Theophrastus, being told
that the Athenians had pulled down certain statues
formerly erected to honour him, remarked, "They
cannot destroy the merits for which they set them
up." Ibid. v. 5, 82.
84.
The same used to say, " A man's eyebrows are
no unimportant part of him ; they can throw a
shadow on his whole life." Ibid.
85-
Another saying of Demetrius was, " Not only is
Plutus (wealth) blind, but the goddess Fortune who
leads him." Ibid.
22 GREEK WIT.
86.
One Polyctor, a bad harpist, was making a meal
on porridge, when he struck his tooth against a
pebble. " See," said one present, "the very lentils
are throwing stones at you."
ATHEN. vi. p. 245.
87.
One Chaerephon, a parasite, complained that
"he could not bear the wine." " Nor," sugges-
ted one of the guests, "the water it is mixed with."
Ibid.
88.
Someone having set on the table some dark and
dirty-looking bread, another, to tease him, brought
some of a still darker colour. "These are not
loaves at all, " he said ; ' ' they are the shadows of
loaves." Ibid.
89.
Solon, weeping for the death of his son, was told
that " Grief was of no use." " That is just why I
weep," he replied.
DIOG. LAERT. i. 2, 63.
90.
Chilon being asked what were the most difficult
GREEK WIT. 23
things, replied, "To keep secrets, to make a good
use of leisure, and to bear being wronged."
DIOG. LAERT. i. 3, 69.
91.
Bias thought the most difficult thing of all was,
" To bear nobly a change for the worse in our for-
tunes." Ibid. i. 5, 86.
92.
' The Italians of old were so simple in their habits,
that in the time of Cato the Censor even gentle-
men of fortune would bring their sons to a din-
ner, giving them water to drink, and the choice
of pears or walnuts to eat, with either of which
they were satisfied, and went contentedly to bed.
ATHEN. vi. p. 274.
93-
Socrates being asked whether it were better to
marry or not to marry, replied, " Whichever you
do, you will regret it."
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 5, 33.
94.
The same used to say, that he wondered people
took such pains to make the likeness of stone
24 GREEK WIT.
statues as close as possible, but no pains at all not
to become like stone statues themselves.
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 5, 53.
95-
The same observed, that whereas most men lived
to eat, he ate to live. Ibid. 34.
96.
The same, when his wife said, " You are being
put to death unjustly," replied, " Would you wish
me to die justly 1 " Ibid. 35.
97-
The same, when about to drink the hemlock,
declined a handsome garment offered for the oc-
casion (according to the Greek custom) by Apollo-
dorus. "What!" he exclaimed, "is this old
cloak good enough for me to have lived in, and
not good enough to die in ? " Ibid.
98.
The same, when his pupil Antisthenes made a
display of a ragged mantle, said to him, "I can see
your vanity through that hole in your cloak."
Ibid.
99.
The same, when Alcibiades said he could not
GREEK WIT. 25
bear to hear Xanthippe scold him, replied, " You
don't mind hearing your geese hiss." " But," said
Alcibiades, " they produce goslings for me."
"And Xanthippe," replied Socrates, "produces
babies for me." DIOG. LAERT. 37.
100.
Lycurgus being asked why he brought up Spar-
tan young women in the same athletic exercises as
the men, gave the three following reasons : First,
that a vigorous offspring may be born from strong
bodies ; next, that they may bear themselves
bravely in child-birth ; thirdly, that if necessity
arises, they may be able to fight for themselves,
their children, and their country.
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Lycurg. xii.
101.
The same legislator, when someone wished to
know why the law forbade a dower being given
with any daughter, replied, " That every girl may
have a chance of marriage for her own sake, with-
out regard to her fortune."
102.
Bias the philosopher was once in a storm at sea,
26 GREEK WIT.
with an impious crew, who began to pray to the
gods for help. " Hush ! " said he, "lest the gods
should be made aware who is sailing here. "
DIOG. LAERT. i. 5, 86.
103.
The same, when an irreligious man asked him to
define piety towards the gods, made no reply. When
asked the reason of his silence, he answered, *' Be-
cause you are asking about that which does not
concern you in the least. " Ibid.
104.
The same once remarked that he felt greater
pleasure in deciding between his enemies than be-
tween his friends. For you cannot help making one
friend an enemy, and are pretty sure to make one
enemy a friend. Ibid.
105.
The same, when asked what was the greatest
pleasure to most men, replied, "Making money."
Ibid.
106.
The same used to say that a man ought to mea-
GREEK WIT. 27
sure his life with a view to two probabilities : it
may be short, and it may be long.
DIOG. LAERT. i. 5, 86.
107.
The same advised his friends to be slow in un-
dertaking any scheme, but to stick to it and carry
it out when once decided upon. Among his sage
maxims were these : Don't talk quick ; it shows
levity of character. Prize above all things good
sense. When you are asked what you think about
the gods, say that of course there are such beings.
Don't praise one who does not deserve it, merely
because he is rich. Take only by persuasion, not
by force. Thank the gods for any good you may
do or receive. Make learning your resource against
old age, for it is the only possession you are sure
of keeping. Ibid.
108.
Anacharsis the Scythian used to say that he
could not understand how the Athenians encou-
raged prize-fights and yet passed laws against out-
rages. Ibid. i. 8, 103.
109.
The same, finding that the thickness of a ship's
28 GREEK WIT.
plank was under two inches, said,, "That is the
distance between the crew and death."
DIOG. LAERT. i. 8, 103.
no.
The same, when asked what ships were the
safest ? replied, " Those in dock." Ibid. 104.
in.
The same was greatly surprised that the Greeks,
who used charcoal for fuel, could leave the smoke
in the mountains and carry the wood into the city !
Ibid.
112.
The same defined a market-place to be "A
space marked out for the purposes of cheating."
Ibid. 105.
"3-
Myso, who was a misanthrope, was once seen at
Lacedsemon in a solitary place, indulging in laugh-
ter. " Why," he was asked, " do you laugh when
there is no one here ? " " Because there is no one
here," he replied. Ibid. i. 9, 108.
114.
The same used to say, "Do not look for facts
from words, but words from facts. For facts are
GREEK WIT. 29
not brought about for the sake of being talked of ;
talk is the result of fact."
DIOG. LAERT. i. 9, 108.
Diogenes used to reason thus : "All things be-
long to the gods. Wise men are the friends of the
gods. The proverb says, ' Friends have all things
in common.' Therefore, all things belong to wise
men." Ibid. vi. 2, 37.
116.
The same, observing a woman kneeling before a
statue without strict regard to the disposition of
her dress, thought to give her a lesson against super-
stition. So he went up to her and said, " My good
woman, you know the gods are everywhere ! Take
care one of them is not standing behind you now
and looking at your legs." Ibid.
117.
Diogenes lighted a lamp in the daytime, and said
he was "Trying to find a man." Ibid. 41.
118.
Lycurgus recommended pursuit of a routed
30 GREEK WIT.
enemy only so far as to secure a victory. " It is
your interest not to kill more than you need," said
he ; " for when they know that you give quarter
to those who run, and slay only those who make a
stand, it is clear which course they will pursue."
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Lye. 30.
119.
Dionysius sent Lysander two female dresses, and
asked him to choose which he liked best and convey
it with his compliments to his daughter. " She had
better make the choice herself," he replied, and
carried them both away. Ibid. Lys. I.
1 20.
When someone was roundly abusing Lysander,
he said, " Lay it on thick ; spare not, speak out,
omit nothing ! There seems to be a good deal of
venom on your mind, and perhaps you may thus
work off some of it." Ibid. 13.
121.
Some time after the death of Lysander, King
Agesilaus went to his house to see what papers he
had left. Finding a treatise advocating an elective
GREEK WIT. 31
in place of an hereditary monarchy, he was de-
sirous to publish it, to show the malice of the man.
But Cratidas, who was then the chief man among
the Ephors, fearing lest the argument should con-
vince the people, advised him to suppress it.
"Don't let us dig Lysander up again," he said,
" but rather bury his theory with him."
PLUT. ibid. Lys. 14.
122.
Diogenes being asked if he could account for the
pale colour of gold, said it was because it had so
many always plotting against it.
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 51.
123.
The same, on seeing some women who had been
hanged on the boughs of an olive tree, said, "I
wish all trees bore that kind of fruit." Ibid. 52.
124.
The same, being asked whether he kept any girl
or boy as a servant, replied in the negative. ' ' Then
who is there to bury you when you die?" they
asked. " Whoever wants the house," he replied.
Ibid.
32 GREEK WIT.
125.
When Plato was lecturing on his theory of " Ab-
stracts," Diogenes said, " Table-ism and cup-ism
I cannot see, though I can see a table or a cup."
"That," replied Plato, " is because you have eyes
to see the one, but not mind to apprehend the
other." DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 53.
126.
Some one was desirous to study philosophy
under Diogenes. He put a red herring into his
hands, and said, Follow me. The applicant, ashamed
to do so, tossed away the fish and left him. After
a time Diogenes met him, and said, " The friend-
ship between you and me has been broken off by
a red herring." Ibid. vi. 2. 36.
127.
The same, observing a little boy drinking water
with his hands, took out of his scrip a cup which
he carried in it, and flung it away, saying, "That
boy has beaten me in thrift." Shortly afterwards,
he threw away his plate too, on seeing another boy
who had just broken his, and was holding his por-
ridge in a hole which he had scooped in his loaf.
Ibid. 37.
GREEK WIT. 33
128.
On some Athenian remarking, "You Spartans
are too much given to doing nothing," Nicander
replied, " And you Athenians to doing too much."
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Nic. 3.
129.
Panthoides was asked what he thought of the
lectures on morality delivered by the philosophers
in the Academy? "They are good," said he,
"very good indeed, but utterly useless; for you
Athenians never think of following them."
Ibid. Panth. 2.
ISO-
The people of Delos were arguing before the
Athenians the claims of their country, a sacred
island, they said, in which no one is ever born and
no one is ever buried. " Then, " asked Pausanias,
' ' how can that be your country ? "
Ibid. Paus. \.
IS'-
When some persons who had been expelled fronv
Athens were urging Pausanias to lead an army
against them, saying that they alone had hissed
when his name was announced at the Olympian
2 D
34 GREEK WIT.
games, he answered, ' ' If they hiss when they are
well treated, what will they do to me when they
are hardly dealt with ? "
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Pans. 2.
132.
When a thin and weakly man was urging Pau-
sanias to fight with his enemies to the death, he
said to him, " Then will you strip, and show them
what sort of a man you are who give this very spi-
rited advice ? " Ibid. 4.
133-
Pausanias the son of Pleistoanax was asked why
the Spartans never repealed any of their ancient
laws. " Because," he replied, "laws have autho-
rity over men, not men over laws." Ibid* I.
134-
The same, when a physician had examined him,
and assured him there was nothing the matter,
said, "Just so ; that is because I have not been in
the habit of consulting you." Ibid. 4.
135.
The same, on another occasion, was asked why
GREEK WIT. 35
he spoke evil of a physician whom he had never
consulted ? " If I had consulted him" said he, "I
should not now have been speaking either good or
evil of anybody." PLUT. Ap. Lac. Paus. 5.
136.
The same, when his medical adviser remarked
he had " become aged," retorted, " Because I have
not taken your pills.'* Ibid. 6.
137.
The same defined a "good doctor" to be one
who buried his patients quickly, and did not keep
them alive on physic. Ibid. 7.
Paedaretus, when some one was praising for his
good nature an effeminate-looking man, remarked,
" We should not praise men for being like women,
nor indeed women for being like men, unless there
should be some special occasion for it."
Ibid. Paed. 2..
'39-
The same, when he found his name had not been
inscribed among the Three Hundred, who stood
first in military rank, went away laughing. Being
36 GREEK WIT.
asked by the Ephors the reason of his conduct, he
replied, " Through joy that the state has three
hundred better citizens than myself."
PLUT. Ap. Lac. Paed. 3.
140.
Pleistarchus, when a certain advocate was trying
to be " funny," said to him, " If you go on joking,
my good friend, you will become a joker, just as
those who are always wrestling become wrestlers."
Ibid. Pleist. 2.
141.
Polydorus, son of Alcamenes, said to one who
was always threatening his enemies, " You don't
see that you are wasting the greatest part of your
vengeance.'' Ibid. Polyd. i.
142.
Thales, when his mother urged him to marry,
used to plead, " I am too young." When she still
pressed him in his middle age, he replied, ' ' I am
too old." DIOG. LAERT. i. i, 26.
143-
The same philosopher, being conducted from his
house one night by his old housekeeper to see the
GREEK WIT. 37
stars, tumbled into a ditch. ' ' Do you expect,
sir," she asked, "ever to know things above your
head, if you don't see things under your feet ? "
DIOG. LAERT. i. i, 34.
144.
The same, on saying that "Death was just as
good as life," was asked, " Why, then, don't you
die?" "Just because there is no difference," he
replied. Ibid. i. i, 35.
145-
The same being asked the best way of bearing
adversity, replied, " By seeing your enemies worse
off than yourself." Ibid. i. 36.
146.
The same remarked that the best and most
righteous way of living was to do nothing which we
blame in others. Ibid.
147.
The same denned a happy man to be one " heal-
thy in body, easy in circumstances, well -stored in
his mind." Ibid. i. 37.
148.
Croesus, having dressed himself in all his royal
robes and decorations, and taken his seat on his
38 GREEK WIT.
throne, asked Solon if he had ever seen a more
beautiful sight. "Yes," replied Solon, "cocks,
pheasants, and peacocks ; for their dress is natural
to them, and a thousand times prettier."
DIOG. LAERT. i. 2, 51.
149.
The same philosopher used to say that laws were
like spiders' webs ; they would hold any small and
light matter, but larger objects always broke through
and escaped. Ibid. i. 2, 58.
ISO.
Some one, in anger at a discussion, gave So-
crates a kick. When surprise was expressed at his
bearing it patiently, he said, " If an ass had kicked
me, should I have brought it before the magis-
trate?" Ibid. ii. 5, 21.
Euripides once gave Socrates a work by Hera-
clitus, and asked him what he thought of it. " What
I understand," he replied, "is very good, and so,
I dare say, is what I don't understand ; but it wants
a good diver to get to the bottom of it."
Ibid. ii. 22.
GREEK WIT. 39
152.
Alcibiades offered Socrates a large piece of land
to build a house on. " If I had wanted a pair of
shoes," he said, "would you have given me a whole
hide, merely that I might make a fool of myself ?"
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 24.
153-
Socrates, looking at the quantity of things sold
in the market, used to say, " How many there are
which I do not want ! " Ibid. ii. 25.
154-
The same used to say ' ' That he knew nothing,
except the one fact that he knew nothing. "
Ibid. ii. 32.
I5S-
Phocion, seeing the Athenians eager to make a
raid into Boeotia, and disapproving of it, ordered
the crier to give public notice, "All citizens be-
tween twenty and sixty years of age are to take
five days' provision and follow the general imme-
diately after this meeting." At this the seniors
murmured, but Phocion said to them, "What rea-
40 GREEK WIT.
son have you to complain ? I, your leader, am
eighty years of age, and I shall be one of you. "
PLUT. Vit. Phoc. 24.
156.
The same general, on one occasion when he had
assigned a place to the heavy armed troops, ob-
served a young man advance beyond the rest, and
again retire into the rank when an enemy faced
him. *' My lad," said he, "you have deserted two
posts ; one which I gave you, and another which
you gave yourself." Ibid. 25.
157.
When news had been brought to Athens of the
death of Alexander the Great, Demades the orator
bade the people not to listen to it. " Had it been
so," he said, " the whole world would long ago
have smelt the corpse. " Ibid. 22.
158.
Phocion compared the talk of Leosthenes to a
cypress tree, tall, and big, but without fruit.
Ibid. 23.
159.
Hypereides the orator asked Phocion when he
GREEK WIT. 41
would advise the Athenians to go to war. He re-
plied, ' ' When I see the young men keeping to the
ranks ; the rich willing to pay taxes ; and the ora-
tors keeping their hands off the public money."
PLUT. Vit. Phoc. 23.
1 60.
Demades the orator once said to Phocion, " I
think the Athenians ought to adopt the Spartan
polity, and if you advise it, I will both write and
speak in favour of it." Phocion replied, " You are
not the man to recommend Spartan simplicity, with
your perfumes and your fine clothes." Ibid. 20.
161.
Phocion, being asked for a subscription for a re-
ligious purpose, pointed to his banker, and said,
"Ask the rich ; I should be ashamed to pay money
to you, when I owe it to him" Ibid. 9.
162.
When one Aristogeiton, a common informer, ad-
vocated a warlike policy in the assembly, but, on
the military lists being made out, came walking
with a stick and wearing a bandage on his leg,
Phocion called out with a loud voice, " Put down
42 GREEK WIT.
Aristogeiton too, and describe him, lame and
scamp" PLUT. Vit. Phoc. 10.
163.
The same Phocion, when Aristogeiton was in
prison for debt and had begged to see him, rejected
the entreaties of his friends that he should not go.
"Where," he asked, "could one meet the man
with greater pleasure ? " Ibid. 10.
164.
Phocion had so great a regard for Chabrias, that
after his death he did everything in his power to
reform his profligate son Ctesippus. On one oc-
casion, when he was being pertly addressed and
interfered with in his military plans, he exclaimed
in bitterness, " O Chabrias, Chabrias, great indeed
is my regard for your friendship, when I bear pa-
tiently with this son of yours ! " Ibid. 7.
I6 S .
Anaximander was once laughed at by some little
boys for his singing. When told of it, he said,
" We must sing better, on account of these small
boys." DIOG. LAERT. ii. 1,2.
GREEK WIT. 43
166.
Anaxagoras, on being shown the costly tomb of
Mausolus, defined it to be "the ghost of wealth
turned into stone." Dioo. LAERT. i. 3, 10.
167.
Some one asked Diogenes at what time of life
he had best marry? " If you are young," he re-
plied, " not yet ; if you are old, never."
Ibid. vi. 2, 54.
168.
The same, observing a young man blush, said,
" Never mind, my lad ; you bear virtue's colour
on your cheek." Ibid.
169.
The same, when asked what wine he liked best,
replied, " That which comes out of a friend's cellar."
Ibid.
170.
The same, being asked why men give alms to
beggars but have nothing to spare for philosophers,
said, " It is because they expect to become halt and
blind themselves, but not to become philosophers."
Ibid. vi. 56.
44 GREEK WIT.
171.
Aristides had so strong a sense of justice that he
stood up for right even when contending against
his enemies. On one occasion he was prosecuting
one of these in court, and the charge was of such a
nature that the jury seemed unwilling to hear his
defence, and showed some impatience to give their
verdict immediately. Upon this Aristides arose,
and joined in the defendant's appeal to the court
that he might be heard and not be deprived of his
legal rights. PLUTARCH, Vit. Arist. ch. 4.
172.
The same, having on another occasion to decide
a claim for two private persons, on one of them re-
marking that his adversary had given Aristides
a great deal of annoyance, said to him, "Tell me
rather if he has donej^w any harm ; it is for you,
not for myself, that I am sitting here as judge."
Ibid.
173-
The son of Iphicrates, being a tall lad, was
drafted into the military service, though under age.
On which the father remarked, " If they regard
GREEK WIT. 45
tall children as men, in fairness they ought to regard
little men as children."
ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric, book ii. ch. 23.
174.
Xenophanes used to say, "It is equally impious
to assert the gods were born, and to affirm that they
can die ; for in both cases there must be a time of
non-existence of gods. " Ibid.
175-
A rich Athenian called Callias was accused by
his enemies in court, among other charges, of neg-
lecting his near relative, Aristides, and allowing
him, the admired of all Greece, with his wife and
family, to be almost starved through poverty.
Upon this Callias challenged Aristides to declare
the truth, that he had in fact declined many offers
of money from him, with this remark ; " I ought
to be more proud of my poverty than Callias of his
wealth. For wealth is a gift we very often see
both well and ill used ; but it is not easy to meet
with one who bears poverty like a true gentleman.
It is only those who dislike to be poor that are
really ashamed of poverty."
PLUTARCH, Life of Aristides, ch. 25.
46 GREEK WIT.
I 7 6.
Zeno used to say that it was more serious to
make a slip with the tongue than with the foot.
DIOG. LAERT. vii. i, 26.
177.
Aristo compared lectures on logic to spiders'
webs. "They show skill in catching," he said,
" but are practically useless." Ibid. vii. 2,161.
178.
Cleanthes, on being taunted with being too
cautious, replied, "That is why I make so few
mistakes." Ibid. vii. 5, 171.
179.
The same was conversing with a young man, and
asked him, " Do you understand me ? " " O yes,"
said the youth. "Then how is it," he asked,
" that I don't understand that you understand? "
Ibid. vii. 172.
1 80.
Some one was rinding fault with Cleanthes on
the score of his old age. "I, too," said he, "wish
to depart hence ; yet when I am conscious of per-
fect health in all respects, and retain full power
GREEK WIT. 47
both to write and to read, then again I am content
to abide at my post in life."
DIOG. LAERT. vii. 174.
181.
Pyrrho, being in a ship during a storm, observed
that the crew looked very grave. But he raised
their courage by his own calmness, and by pointing
out a pig that was feeding quite unconcerned. ' ' A
wise man," he said, " ought to be at least as tran-
quil as a pig." Ibid. ix. n, 68.
182.
Timon said to one who was always expressing
-wonder at everything he saw, " Why don't you
wonder that three of us here have only four eyes?"
The fact was, that two of the three happened
to have lost an eye. Ibid. ix. 112, 114.
183.
A certain man who prided himself on his know-
ledge of etiquette, whenever he visited the younger
Dionysius used to shake out the folds of his mantle
to show that he carried no weapon that could be used
against a tyrant. Dionysius, thinking it implied
a reproach to him, gave orders that the man should
4 8 GREEK WIT.
do the same when he left his presence, lest per-
chance he should be carrying off something he had
stolen. PLUTARCH, Vit. Timoleon. ch. 15.
184.
Philip of Macedon was once discoursing with
others over their wine about some tragedies which
the elder Dionysius had left, and ironically re-
marked that "he wondered how he found time to
write them." "He did it," replied the younger
Dionysius, " while you and I, and all those who
are thought to be well off, were wasting our time
over the bowl." Ibid.
185.
Theophrastus relates that the Spartan King Ar-
chidamus was fined by the Ephors for having
married a woman of short stature. " He will not
beget kings for us, but kinglets" they said.
PLUT. Vit. Ages. ch. 2.
186.
Minecrates, a physician, having been successful
in treating some cases that had been given up by
others, had the title of Z( Jupiter) given him by his
admirers. Conceited of the honour, he wrote thus
GREEK WIT. 49
to Agesilaus : ' ' Menecrates Zeus sends greeting
to King Agesilaus." To which he received the
reply, "King Agesilaus wishes Menecrates good
health." PLUT. Vit. Ages. ch. 21.
187.
Plato used to say, that of all the distinguished
statesmen Athens ever had, Aristides alone was
worthy of account ; for whereas Themistocles,
Cimon, and Pericles had filled the city with fine
buildings, and wealth, and many other glories
which were but trifles, Aristides had been a vir-
tuous ruler of the State.
PLUTARCH, Life of Aristides, ch. 25.
1 88.
Lucullus, when his soldiers were very eager to
capture a fort believed to contain much treasure,
pointed out to them a distant fastness on Mount
Taurus. "That" said he, "must first be de-
stroyed. We will hold this in reserve for con-
querors."
PLUTARCH, Life of Lucullus, ch. 24.
189.
Someone told Diogenes that most people laughed
5 o GREEK WIT.
at him. " And veiy likely," he said, "the asses
bray at them ; but as they don't care for the asses,
so neither do I care for them. "
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 58.
190.
Diogenes observed a boy, known to be the son
of a courtesan, throwing a stone into a crowd; he
called out to him, " Mind you don't hit your father,
boy ! " Ibid. 62.
191.
The same, being requested to return a mantle,
sent back this answer : " If it was intended as a
present, I have it still ; if it was a loan, I have
not yet done with it." Ibid.
192.
When some one brought Diogenes a pupil, say-
ing he was a very clever lad, and of a most excel-
lent and amiable disposition, he asked, "Then
what on earth does he want me for? " Ibid. 64.
193-
Diogenes once went into a theatre just as all
were coming out of it. Being asked why he did
GREEK WIT. 51
so, he said, ' ' I have been opposing people all my
life." DIOG. LAERT. ibid. 64.
194.
The same, watching a very unskilful archer prac-
tising at a mark, went and sat down close to it,
that I may not get hit, he said. Ibid. 67.
195-
Crates, the Theban philosopher, was asked by
Alexander whether he wished his country to be
restored to its former greatness. " What's the
use ? " he said; " probably another Alexander will
overthrow it again." Ibid. vi. 5, 93.
196.
Diogenes was shown a contrivance for telling the
time of day. "A very useful invention," he re-
marked, "for preventing one being late at dinner."
Ibid. vi. 9, 104.
197.
Zeno of Citium, the Stoic philosopher, was a
pupil of Crates. Now the Cynics prided them-
selves on having no false shame, and as Zeno
seemed deficient in this virtue, Crates bade him
carry a pot of porridge through the Cerameicus.
5 2 GREEK WIT.
Seeing him try to conceal it, he gave the pot a sly
knock with his staff and broke it, so that the por-
ridge ran down over his legs. 4 ' Don't run away,
little Red-legs," said Crates, "no great harm has
happened to you. " DIOG. LAERT. vii. I, 3.
198.
Zeno had observed that a certain glutton used to
eat up all the fish at table and leave none for his
messmates. On one occasion, when a large fish
was served, Zeno took it up and devoured the whole
of it. At this the man stared, but Zeno quietly
said to him, "How do you suppose your mess-
mates feel every day, if you cannot put up with my
taking a liking for fish for a single day ? "
Ibid. 19.
199.
The same, when a young man was asking some
question that seemed to imply inquisitiveness ill
suited to his age, conducted him to a mirror, and
bade him look at himself. "Do you think," he
asked, " your inquiries are suited to such a face as
that ? " Ibid. 19.
200.
Lysander, after the final defeat of the Athenians,
GREEK WIT. 53
despatched a quantity of coin and treasure to Sparta
by sea, under the care of Gylippus, who had been
the Spartan commander at Syracuse. He, not
aware that each sealed box contained under the lid
a written statement of the contents, loosened the
bottom of each and took out a quantity of silver
money bearing the device of an owl. The stolen
money he concealed under the roof of his house, but
he took the boxes to the Ephors, and showed them
the unbroken seals. Finding the accounts did not
tally, they were much perplexed, till they received
a useful hint from a servant of Gylippus : " There
is a 'whole lot of owls roosting under masters tiles"
PLUTARCH, Vit. Lysand. ch. 16.
201.
When Aristonous, an obsequious harper, had
told Lysander, by way of compliment, that " when
he gained his next victory in music at the Pythian
games, he should have himself proclaimed as a
member of Lysander's family," Lysander quietly
said, "As my flunkey, you mean."
Ibid. ch. 18.
202.
Cleon, the Athenian demagogue, once kept the
54 GREEK WIT.
people in full assembly waiting for him a long time.
At last he appeared, dressed for dinner, and begged
them to adjourn the meeting till to-morrow.
"The fact is, gentlemen," said he, "I have just
been attending a sacrifice, and I am rather engaged,
as I have a dinner party to-day." The Athenians
good-naturedly laughed, and dismissed the meet-
ing. PLUTARCH, Life of Nicias, ch. vii.
203.
When Alexander made his expedition into India,
certain ambassadors came to him to tender their
submission. One of these, a prince called Acuphis,
asked what they should do to secure the friendship
of so great and generous a chief? " Let them ap-
point you their governor, " he replied, "and send
to me a hundred of their best men." "Don't you
think, Sir," replied Acuphis, "it would make my
position as ruler somewhat easier if I were to send
you a hundred of our worst men ? "
PLUT. Life of Alexander, ch. Iviii.
204.
Alexander on one occasion sent for ten of the
GREEK WIT. 55
Indian " Gymnosophists, " and propounded to
each a difficult question, telling them he would put
to death first the first man who gave a wrong
answer, and then the rest in succession ; and he or-
dered the eldest of the ten to act as judge. But the
judge declared himself unable to decide ; on which
Alexander said, " Thenyou shall die first, for giving
such a reply." "Not," replied the other, "unless
your majesty thinks fit to break your royal word."
PLUT. Life of Alexander, ch. Ixiv.
205.
Among the questions propounded as above were
the following : ' ' Are there more dead or more living
men?" Answer : " More living ; for the dead are
not" " What is the most mischievous creature in
existence?" Answer: " That which is hitherto un-
known to man." " Which was created first, day
or night ? " Answer : " Day, by one day." (When
Alexander said, "That is an obscure answer," he
replied, "And to an obscure question. ") " Is life
or- death the stronger?" Answer : " Life ; for it
bears so many evils." "How long ought a man
to live ? " " Till he begins to think dying is better
than living." Ibid.
5 6 GREEK WIT,
206.
A man was charged with the grave offence of
beating his own father. His excuse was, " It runs
in the family. He used to beat his father, and
that father did the same to his father. Look at
that boy of mine," said he; "why, he will beat
me when he grows up to be a man."
ARISTOTLE, Eth. Nic. vii. ch. 6.
207.
The same amiable youth, while violently dragging
his father at his front door, was told to stop there,
"/never pulled my father beyond his door," he
said. Ibid.
208.
Popular resentment is often appeased when a
single one has been punished, even if he is really
less guilty. On this principle Philocrates, when
asked "Why he did not make his defence, as the
people were furious against him," replied, "Wait
till some one else is being tried."
ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric, ii. ch. 3.
209.
The wife of King Hiero once asked Simonides
GREEK WIT. 57
whether it was better to be born wealthy or wise ?
"Wealthy, it would seem," he replied, "for I
always see the wise hanging about the doors of the
rich." ARISTOTLE, Rhetoric, ii. ch. 16.
210.
A fox, having got into a ditch, was attacked by
horse-leeches. " Shall I relieve you of them ? "
asked a good-natured hedgehog. " By no means,
my dear friend," replied the fox; "they can't
suck much more of my blood now ; but a new
batch of them might drain me dry."
Ibid. ch. 20.
211.
Dionysius, the Ruler of Syracuse, had sent to
Olympia and Delphi certain costly offerings of
"chryselephantine" (gold and ivory) workmanship.
Iphicrates, the Athenian general, fell in with the
ships which were conveying them and took posses-
sion of the property, sending at the same time a
despatch to Athens to ask what was to be done
with it. The reply was, ' ' Pay your soldiers, and
don't inquire too closely about the claim of the
gods. " So the goods were sold as spoils lawfully
58 GREEK WIT.
taken from the enemy. Dionysius was very angry
with the Athenians, and sent them this letter :
" Dionysius to the council and popular assembly of
Athens. It would be unreasonable in me to add,
health and happiness, for you are sacrilegious
pirates and plunderers, you have taken and de-
stroyed offerings sent by us to be solemnly dedi-
cated to the gods, and you have been guilty of im-
piety to the two greatest of them all Apollo at
Delphi, and Zeus at Olympia."
DIODOR. Sic. xvi. ch. 57.
212.
After the defeat of the Athenians at Chseronea,
Philip, who had been . celebrating his victory at a
banquet, went with his friends, somewhat excited
by wine, through the ranks of the captives, taunt-
ing them with having lost their usual luck. De-
mad es the orator happened to be one of the pri-
soners of war, and he made bold to address to the
king words well adapted to check this display of
bad taste : " Sir, Fortune has given you to play
the part of Agamemnon, and you ought to be
ashamed of acting like Thersites,"
Ibid. ch. 87.
GREEK WIT. 59
213-
A pedantic man called to his servant to bring to
the bath " that unused cloak," meaning that new
one. While there, it was stolen from him, and his
friends had the laugh against him for taking the
trouble of finding an article which he had himself
described as "of no use." ATHEN. iii. p. 97.
214.
Anacharsis being asked what the Greeks did
with their money, replied, " They count it."
Ibid. iv. p. 159.
215-
A wealthy young man came from Ionia to reside
at Athens, where he made a great display of his
fine clothes. When asked the name of his native
place, he answered " Richborough. " Ibid.
216.
Thales of Miletus was taunted by his friends for
pursuing philosophy and remaining in poverty.
Having observed, during the winter, signs of a good
crop of olives, he gave security for the hire, for no
great sum, of all the oil-works in Chios and Mile-
tus for the coming year. As the season advanced
60 GREEK WIT.
and the crop proved a heavy one, he sublet the
properties and realized a large profit. " You see,
my friends," said he, "what philosophers can do
in the way of money-making, only they don't care
about it." ARISTOTLE, Politics, i. ch. iv.
217.
A certain house at Agrigentum was called " The
Ship," from the following cause. A party of young
men were one day drinking there, and became so
' ' fuddled " that they fancied they were in a storm
at sea ! So they began to toss the chairs and sofas
out of window to lighten the vessel, imagining that
they were carrying out the orders of the pilot. Of
course the people without ran off with the goods,
and the affair became known to the authorities,
who went to the house next morning. When asked
for an explanation, the young men, not yet fully
sober, replied, "They had been forced by the vio-
lence of the storm to throw overboard all superfluous
goods." One of them, who seemed to be spokes-
man for the rest as the senior, added, ' ' And I,
men-Tritons ! was so frightened that I lay down at
the very bottom of the ship's hold ! " The officers,
seeing the state of the case, good-naturedly let
GREEK WIT. 61
them off with a warning " Not to drink so much
again. " ' ' Thank you, good sirs, " they replied ; " if
ever we get safe to port from this dreadful storm, we
will set up statues to you in our own country as to
Saviours from the Sea." ATHEN/EUS, ii. p. 37.
218.
A man in Sicily with a shrewd eye for business
invested a sum of money which had been deposited
with him in the purchase of iron, of which he se-
cured the monopoly in the city. When merchants
came to buy, he sold it at a moderate profit, and
yet found that he had trebled his capital. Diony-
sius, the ruler, hearing of his success, sent for the
man and said to him, " You may take your money,
but you must leave the city. You have found out
a way of trading which will prove very injurious to
my revenues." ARISTOTLE, Po/it. i. ch. v.
219.
Pittacus of Priene enacted a law, that a heavier
fine should be inflicted on a drunkard for an assault
than on one who was sober. Thus he was so far
from making any allowance for the act of a drunken
man, that he wisely had in regard the much greater
62 GREEK WIT.
frequency of drunken brawls, and the necessity of
preventing them.
ARISTOTLE, Polit. ii. ch. ix.
220.
After the battle of Issus, Alexander went, ac-
companied by his friend Hephsestion, to pay Sisy-
gambris, the queen of Darius, and the ladies of her
court, a visit of ceremony, and to promise them his
gracious consideration and protection. Seeing
them both dressed in the same way, but Hephass-
tion the taller and handsomer of the two, the queen
addressed him as "your majesty." Being told of
her mistake, and being somewhat confused by it,
she made a low curtsey a second time. "Never
mind, my dear lady," said Alexander; "we are
both your majesty alike. "
DlODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 37.
221.
When Alexander paid a visit to the temple of
Jupiter Ammon, he was addressed by the aged
priest, "Hail, my Son, and accept these words as the
welcome of the god himself." * ' His son then I will
GREEK WIT. 63
henceforth be," replied Alexander. "Tell me now,
am I to be the lord of all the world ? " The reply of
the priest, after consulting the oracle, being favour-
able, Alexander said, "One more question answer
me now. Have I sufficiently avenged the murderers
of my father, or have any escaped me ? " " Hush ! "
replied the obsequious priest. " No mortal man
could execute any plot against your Father ! Phi-
lip's murderers, however, have all met with their
deserts." DIODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 51.
222.
Alexander, after the capture of the royal palace
and treasures of the Persian king at Susa, took his
seat on the royal throne. One of his attendants,
observing that his feet did not reach the footstool,
brought a small table that had been used by Darius,
and placed it under him as a support "Thank
you," said Alexander, " that will do very well."
Seeing one of the eunuchs who stood by the throne
burst into tears, he inquired, * ' What is the matter
now ? " " Oh, Sir," said he, "that table ! my mas-
ter's pet table ! To think it should have ever come to
such a use as this, for you to set your dirty feet
upon it ! " Ibid. ch. 66.
64 GREEK WIT.
223.
Cypselus of Corinth made a vow to Zeus, that if
he ever became master of the city, he would dedi-
cate to him all the Corinthians possessed. When
that event had taken place, he ordered all the citi-
zens to make a return of their incomes. From
each of them he took a tenth part, and ordered
them to trade with the rest. This was regularly
repeated for ten years, at the end of which he had
fulfilled his vow, and the citizens had got rich
again. Anonymi CEconomica, 2.
224.
Mausolus, tyrant of Caria, had some ingenious
methods of raising revenue. On one occasion,
when tribute was demanded from him by the Per-
sian king, he told his people that he had no money.
Whereupon certain persons, instructed for the pur-
pose, rose and made liberal but sham offers. At this
the wealthy citizens, whether from shame or from
fear, promised much larger sums, wad. paid them too.
On another occasion he told the people of Mylasa
that their city, being the metropolis, ought to have
a wall to secure their possessions ; for the Great
King was coming to invade them ! So the money
GREEK WIT. 65
needed was quickly contributed, and he took it,
but said to the people, " My friends, Providence is
not building you a wall just yet."
Anonymi CEconomica, 14.
225.
Chserephon, the friend of Socrates, was buying
some meat, and objected to the cut offered him as
too ' ' bony. " ' ' Why, sir, " said the butcher, ' ' we
always consider the meat is sweetest next the
bone." "Perhaps so," said Chaerephon ; "but
bone weighs heavy in the scale."
ATHEN. vi. p. 244.
226.
Dionysius used to take a walk round the temples at
Syracuse, and if he saw a table of gold or silver at
any shrine, he would say to his attendants, " Thank
the god of luck, and carry that home. " If any
statues were represented as holding out a goblet, he
exclaimed, " Much obliged ! " and took it away.
The golden crowns and the spangled robes he re-
moved from all the images, saying, " I will myself
present you with lighter clothes and more fragrant
chaplets." Accordingly he dressed them in white
2 F
66 GREEK WIT.
linen, and put wreaths of white violets on their
heads. Anonym. (Econom. 42.
227.
India possesses many species of apes of different
sizes. These are captured by hunters who avail
themselves of their natural propensity to imitate,
for they are too strong as well as too cunning to be
caught in any other way. Accordingly, some
smear their eyes with honey, and put birdlime
within reach of the creatures, which prevents them
from opening their eyelids. Some clap mirrors on
their heads, and provide watchers with a loop and
a cord, so as to pull them back. Some again let the
apes see them putting on shoes, and leave in their
way other shoes to which a string is tied, so
that the ape vainly tries to hobble away from the
spot. DIODOR. Sic. xvii. ch. 89.
228.
Eumenes, in his contest with Antipater in Ar-
menia, was shut up in a small, rocky fortress.
Pending it difficult on rough and narrow ground to
exercise his horses, and aware of their importance
to him, he devised a new and ingenious plan. He
GREEK WIT. 67
set up erect three poles, and fastened the horses'
heads by ropes tied to pegs or cross-bars in them at
such a height that they just failed to touch the
ground with their forelegs. In their violent efforts
and struggles to do this, all the limbs and the
whole bodies were so put to the stretch that the
sweat poured from them, and the animals had a
first-rate lesson in prancing and kicking !
DIODOR. Sic. xviii. ch. 42.
229.
One Kineas, a Thessalian, had great influence
with Pyrrhus. Seeing the king resolved on an ex-
pedition against Italy, he introduced the following
conversation. "A great people, sire, those Ro-
mans, and rulers of many warlike nations ! Sup-
pose, by favour of heaven, we should conquer
them ; what use shall we make of our victory ? "
"That, Kineas," replied the king, "is plain
enough. If Rome falls, all Italy is in our hands."
"And if we get Italy," asked Kineas, "what
then ? " " Sicily," replied the king, " will be easily
taken next." "And then?" " Libya and Car-
thage will be unable to withstand us." " Of course, "
said Kineas ; "and then we shall get back Mace-
68 GREEK WIT.
clonia and Hellas ! And then?" " Then," said
the king, " we will stay at home and enjoy our-
selves over the bowl ! " ' ' And cannot we do that
now" rejoined Kineas, " without wading through
such a sea of blood ? "
PLUTARCH, Vit. Pyrrh. ch. 14.
230.
A soldier in the service of Antigonus was noted
for his reckless bravery. Observing on one occa-
sion that he seemed ill, the king charged his phy-
sicians to look after him and cure him, if possible,
in case his services should again be required.
When however he was restored to health, Anti-
gonus was surprised to find him much more cautious
in action, and reproached him for it. " Sir," said
he, "you are the cause of the change, by getting
me cured of a malady which made me reckless of
life." Thus it is one thing to care much for valour,
and another thing to care little about living.
Ibid. Vit. Pekpid. ch. I.
231.
When the people of Tarentum were engaged in
a war against the Romans, a large party of them
GREEK WIT. 6g
proposed to invite the aid of Pyrrhus, as one of the
greatest generals of the day. This measure was
opposed by the older and more sensible citizens,
but the war party refused them even a hearing in
the popular assembly. At length one of them,
called Meton, hit upon an expedient well suited
to the low tastes of a democracy. Dressing himself
up as a drunken reveller, and attended by a girl
with a flute, he staggered into the assembly the
day before the final vote. "Hoorah !" shouted
the mob ; ' ' give us a tune and a dance ! Hoorah ! "
Thus obtaining a hearing, as if he were just going
to perform, he addressed them thus: "Citizens
of Tarentum ! You do well in thus allowing this
sort of revelry while you can. And if you take my
advice, you will make the most of your present
liberty, for if Pyrrhus comes here, you will most
certainly lose it ! "
PLUTARCH, Vit. Pyrrh. ch. 13.
232.
It was a remark of Aristotle's, that some rich
persons make no use of their wealth through their
habit of counting their small gains, while others
make a bad use of it through their habit of indul-
70 GREEK WIT.
gence ; and if the latter are slaves to pleasure, the
former are not less slaves to business.
PLUTARCH, Vit. Pelopid. ch. 3.
233-
Pelopidas, who had married well, and had chil-
dren, was reproached by his friends for being careless
about money, which, said they, is a necessary thing.
" Necessary, no doubt," replied he, "to Nicodemus
here," pointing to a man who was both lame and
blind. Ibid.
234-
A Laconian, on congratulating Diagoras, who
had not only gained an Olympian victory himself,
but had lived to see his sons obtain the same
honour, and sons and daughters born from them to
perpetuate the race, said to him, " Die, Diagoras !
The next highest step, up to heaven, you cannot
climb." Ibid. ch. 34.
235-
Philopoemen, the Achaean general, was apt to be
careless about his personal appearance. One day,
a lady of Megara was told that the general was
coming to dinner. Her husband being absent at the
GREEK WIT. 71
time, she felt some difficulty in making the neces-
sary preparations. Meanwhile a stranger arrived
in rather a shabby military cloak. She, thinking
it was one of the general's servants who had pre-
ceded him, said to him, " Lend a hand here, will
you ? " So the man flung off his cloak, and began
at once to split wood. On the husband arriving,
he exclaimed, " Philopcemen ! What means this?"
"My dear fellow," said the general, "I am only
paying the just penalty of my own untidiness. "
PLUTARCH, Vit. Philop. ch. 2.
236.
The same, being advised to put himself under
training in the wrestling school, on the ground that
all such manly exercises must be useful in a sol-
dier's life, inquired what this training implied ?
"The living by the strictest rules of sleep, diet,
and bodily exertion," they replied. " Then," said
he, " that won't suit one who never knows when
he can sleep or what he may get to eat. No ! your
athletics won't do for me." And ever after he not
only discouraged, but prohibited all such special
training, as tending to make soldiers unserviceable
in the emergencies of war. Ibid. ch. 3.
72 GREEK WIT.
237-
Cimon the son of Miltiades was once at a dinner
party, when the conversation turned on some of
his greatest achievements. He himself, he said,
thought the cleverest thing he had ever done was
this : He was asked to award between the Athe-
nians and their allies certain Persian prisoners who
had been captured at Sestos and Byzantium. Ac-
cordingly he put all the captives in one share, and
all their clothes and ornaments in another. ' ' That, ' '
said the allies, "is unfair." "Take which you
please," said he; "the Athenians will be con-
tented with the other share, whichever it is. " So
they chose the gold ornaments and purple robes,
and Cimon was laughed at for the bad bargain his
countrymen had got in a lot of unclad captives
trained to no useful trade. Soon, however, the
wealthy friends of the captives poured in from
Phrygia and Lydia, offering immense sums for the
ransom of each captive ; so that besides four months'
pay for the fleet there was a round sum for the
treasury. "In fact," said Cimon, "I made an
uncommonly good thing of that bargain."
PLUTARCH, Vit. dm. ch. 9.
GREEK WIT. 73
2 3 8.
A Persian nobleman, who had deserted from the
Great King, came to Athens, and taking refuge in
Cimon's house, brought thither two crocks, one
full of gold, the other of silver coins. "Do you
expect to buy me," asked Cimon with a smile, " or
to gain me as a friend?" "As a friend," said
the man. "Then," said Cimon, "take these
away with you ; for when we are friends, of course
you will let me have them if I should be in need."
PLUTARCH, Vit. dm. ch. 10.
239-
When Athens had been taken by Lysander, the
Spartans offered the citizens terms of peace on con-
dition of pulling down their long walls and the forti-
fications of the harbour, and restoring the prisoners
of war. Theramenes voted that the terms should be
accepted, when a young orator rose and asked him
how he dared to oppose the policy of Themistocles,
in surrendering to the Spartans the very walls
which he built against their will ? " I do not op-
pose him," he replied; "he built the walls to
74 GREEK WIT.
save the citizens, and I propose to pull them down
for precisely the same reason."
PLUTARCH, Vit. Lysand. ch. 14.
240.
Lycurgus, the Spartan law-giver, drew upon
himself the anger of the rich by his stern opposition
to luxury, and on one occasion he was chased out
of the public square and compelled to seek shelter
in a temple. One of his pursuers, a hot-tempered
youth called Alcander, struck him in the face with
a stick as he turned round, and knocked out one of
his eyes. Nothing daunted, Lycurgus presented
himself to the citizens all bleeding from his wound.
They, indignant at the treatment he had received,
conducted Alcander to the house, and gave him up
to Lycurgus. He, however, neither reproached
him nor acted with immediate severity towards him,
but quietly dismissed his servants, and told Al-
cander he would have to do all the house-work !
And he did it with a good spirit, and acknow-
ledged to his friends that Lycurgus was a very kind
master. Ibid. Vit. Lycurg. ch. n.
241.
The " black broth " at the public dinners of the
GREEK WIT. 75
Spartans was so much liked, that the elders were
contented with a good feed of it, and left the
rations of meat to the younger men. It is said
that one of the kings of Pontus purchased a cook
on purpose to make this broth, but on tasting it,
expressed his dislike of it. "Sire," said the
cook, "it requires a swim in the Eurotas before
you dine off this."
PLUTARCH, Vit. Lycurg. ch. 12.
242.
An old Spartan was asked by a stranger, "How
do you deal with your fast young men ?" "We
have none," was the reply. " But supposing there
should be such? " " The fine such an one has to
pay is a bull, so tall that it reaches over the top
of Mount Taygetus to drink from the Eurotas ! "
" How can there be such a big bull ? " asked the
stranger. " And how can there be a fast young man
under the Spartan discipline ?" rejoined the other.
Ibid. ch. 15.
243-
Lycurgus was once consulted by the Spartans as
to the expediency of fortifying the city. The reply
76 GREEK WIT.
was sent in a brief letter: "If Spartans act like
bricks, no other material is wanted."
PLUTARCH, Vit. Lycurg. ch. 19.
244.
Antisthenes, seeing the Thebans greatly elated by
their defeat of the Spartans at Leuctra, remarked,
"They remind me of schoolboys who have just
given their master a good thrashing."
Ibid. ch. 30.
245-
Anacharsis, the philosopher of Scythia, once paid
a visit to Solon at Athens. He introduced himself
as " a stranger who had come to establish a friend-
ship with him." "It is better to make friends at
home," replied Solon. " Well," said Anacharsis,
"you are at home. Do you then make friendship
with me" Ibid. Vit. Solon, ch. 5.
246.
Solon went to Miletus on a visit to Thales.
Finding his host remaining unmarried, he ex-
pressed his surprise that he should feel no desire
to have a family. Thales made no reply at the
time, but after the interval of a few days he instruc-
GREEK WIT. 77
ted a man to pretend he had brought news to
Solon from Athens. " Well ! " said Solon, on re-
ceiving the stranger, " and what have you to tell ? "
" Nothing very particular," said the man, "except
that a fine youth lately died there, and all the city
attended his funeral. He was the son of a citizen
of great distinction, who was absent somewhere on
a visit." " Poor man ! " exclaimed Solon. " And
what was his name ? " "I did hear it," replied the
man, "but really, I forget it. I know he was
called very wise and very just. " Solon began to feel
rather uncomfortable. "It wasn't the son of one
Solon, was it?" he asked. "Yes, that's the very
name ! " said the pretended messenger. At this
Solon broke out into expressions of the deepest
grief. But Thales, with a laugh, told him of the
trick, adding, "You understand now why /do not
wish to have a family."
PLUTARCH, Vit. Solon, ch. 6.
247.
Antisthenes hearing that one Ismenias was a
good harpist, remarked, " He must be a bad man,
or he would not be so good a player. " That the
class of men had no character for morality was
78 GREEK WIT,
shown by the reproof of Philip to his son, who had
shown great skill on the harp at a banquet. ' ' You
ought to be ashamed of yourself for playing so
well," he said. PLUTARCH, Vit. Pericl. ch. I.
248.
When Pericles had embarked on his trireme on
a naval expedition against the coast of Laconia, a
solar eclipse occurred. The pilot was dreadfully
frightened, and seemed not to know what was best
to be done. So Pericles went up to him, and held
his cloak before his face. ' ' Do you see anything
very terrible ? " he asked ; " or the forecast of any
terrible event?" "I do not," replied the man.
" Then," asked Pericles, " what is the difference
between this and the eclipse, except that the body
which makes the darkness in an eclipse is a little
larger than a cloak ? "
Ibid. Vit. Pericl. ch. 35.
249.
Anytus, who was a friend and admirer of Alci-
biades, once asked him to dinner to meet a few
friends. Alcibiades declined the invitation, but
having got tipsy at home, he came to the house
GREEK WIT. 79
with some of his boon companions to see what was
going on. Observing that the tables were spread
with gold and silver goblets, he bade his servants
take half of them, and carry them to his house,
but still refused to enter himself. When the com-
pany present said to Anytus that they thought he
had been very hardly and rudely treated, he re-
plied, " On the contrary, very civilly ; he might
have taken all, and he has politely left us half."
PLUTARCH, Vit. Aldb. ch. 4.
250.
When Eucleidas, a Spartan, was speaking some-
what freely about Artoxerxes, the king told the
captain of his company to say to him, "You can
speak as you like, but remember, a king can both
speak and act as he likes. "
Ibid. Vit. Artox. ch. 5.
251.
One Teribazus, who was rather light-headed,
was hunting with Artoxerxes, and by accident tore
his own dress, which he showed to the king.
"What am I to do for you?" said he. "Sir,"
replied the Persian, "you can put on another dress
8o GREEK WIT.
yourself and give me yours." To please him, the
king said, " Very well then, I make you a present
of this ; but mind, I do not give you leave to wear
it." The man, however, put on the gold chains,
and some other portions of dress resembling those
worn by women. The nobles were indignant at
this violation of court etiquette ; but the king only
laughed and said, "You can wear the chains as a
woman and the long dress as a maniac ; " and so
he evaded the penalty of the law.
PLUTARCH, Vit. Artox. ch. 5.
252.
Certain Indian sophists, taken prisoners by
Alexander on the very spot where they were stand-
ing in the open air, showed no other signs of emo-
tion at the sight either of the king or of his army,
than by stamping on the ground with their feet.
"Why do they do that?" asked the king. The
interpreters replied, " Each of us human beings
possesses the ground he stands upon, and no more.
You are a human being, like ourselves ; but you,
madman and sinner that you are ! have come all
this distance from your own station to give both
yourself and us trouble. And very soon you will
GREEK WIT, 81
be dead, and then all your possessions will be
limited to the earth which holds your body."
ARRIAN, Exped. Alex. vii. ch. i.
253-
Simonides the poet was once asked why he
kept up his fondness for money to extreme old age ?
" Because," he replied, "I had rather leave my
property to my enemies than be without friends in
my lifetime." STOB/EUS, Flor. x. 62.
254-
Diogenes used to say, "Dogs in general bite
their enemies to worry them ; I bite my friends to
save them." Ibid. xiii. 27.
255-
Demonax was asked, When he first began to
study Philosophy ? "As soon as I began to con-
demn myself," he replied. Ibid. xxi. 8.
256.
The Boeotians were so fond of eels, that when
they had caught any very fine ones in the Copaic
Lake, they put chaplets on them, like victims,
sprinkled them with sacred meal, said over the'm a
2 G
82 GREEK WIT.
dedicatory prayer, and offered them as a sacrifice
to their gods. On one occasion a stranger ven-
tured to say that he thought this rather an odd cus-
tom. A Boeotian who was present made this reply :
' ' Sir, my knowledge of the matter extends to this ;
we ought to say, that ancestral customs should be
observed, and that it does not concern any one to
make any apology for them."
ATHEN. vii. p. 297.
257-
Menecrates, a physician of Syracuse, used to call
himself " Zeus," and went about with a number
of patients whom he had cured, dressed up as Her-
cules, Hermes, or /Esculapius, while " Zeus "
himself wore a purple robe, with a golden crown
and a sceptre. King Philip, wishing to take the
conceit out of him, once asked him and his "gods "
to a grand banquet. Accordingly, they were placed
apart on a fine divan, with a table on which an
altar was placed, with various little " tit-bits " as
the offerings of mortals. When the rest of the
guests were enjoying a good dinner, the servants
were instructed to treat the "gods "only to in-
cense and libations. At last, unable to endure the
GREEK WIT. 83
ridicule any longer, " Zeus " and his gods fairly ran
away from the banqueting hall.
ATHEN. vii. p. 289.
258.
One Hegesias asked Diogenes to lend him one
of his written works. "You are a foolish man,"
he replied : " you don't take painted figs, but real
figs ; yet you take a mere copy of learning, and
not the learning which is the genuine fruit of your
own thought and experience."
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 4$.
259.
The same, when asked by Dionysius the tyrant,
what was the best bronze for making statues, re-
plied, " That of which the statues of Harmodins
and Aristogeiton are made." Ibid.
260.
The same, when some one inquired how Diony-
sius was treating his friends, gave this answer :
" Like meal -sacks ; he hangs up those who are full,
and he tosses away those who are empty."
Ibid.
84 GREEK WIT.
26l.
The same, seeing a gluttonous man eating olives
at a stall, said to him, "If you had always made
this kind of breakfast, you would not have indulged
in that kind of dinners. "
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 48.
262.
When his friends said to Diogenes, "You are
old ; do relax a little ; " he answered, "If I had
run the long course in a race, would you have
said, ' Do slack your pace a little at the end ? ' "
Ibid. vi. 2, 34.
263.
Leucon, the sovereign ruler of Pontus, discover-
ing that one of his courtiers was concerned in a
slanderous attack on a friend of his, said to him,
' ' I would have put you to death, only a position
such as mine cannot do without scoundrels."
ATHEN. vi. p. 257.
264.
Aristotle used to say, " When things are not as
we wish, we should wish them to be as they are."
STOB/EUS, Flor. iii. 53.
GREEK WIT. 85
265.
Periander was asked, "What is the greatest
thing in the smallest compass?" He replied,
" Good sense in a human body."
STOB^EUS, Flor. iii. 56.
266.
Pythagoras used to say, ' ' All men declare that
sound sense is the greatest of blessings, but very
few take any trouble to acquire it." Ibid. 60.
267.
Socrates was reproved by his wife for not ac-
cepting the many presents sent by his friends.
" If," said he, "we accept everything so readily,
we shall have givers even when we don't ask. "
Ibid. 6 1.
268.
Phavorinus said men were for the most part
ridiculous, or detestable, or pitiable, but rarely en-
viable. A man who from self-conceit aims at
what is above him, is ridiculous ; if he attains it,
he is odious ; if he misses it, he is pitiable for the
failure of his pride." Ibid. iv. 91.
86 GREEK WIT.
269.
;Epictetus used to say that men at a dinner party
were content with what was served up to them,
and never thought of asking the host for some
other dish beside. But in the world men freely
ask the gods for what they do not offer us, albeit
their bounty is already very great.
STOB^EUS, Flor. iv. 92.
270.
A proffered oath should be accepted on two
conditions only; to clear yourself of some foul
charge, or to save your friends from some great
danger. But never swear by any of the gods, even
though honestly, in the cause of money ; for some
will charge you with perjury, others with avarice.
ISOCRATES, ap. Stob. Flor. xxvii. n.
271.
Plato once told Antisthenes, who was making a
tediously long discourse, that the true measure of
a speech is not the power of the speaker, but the
patience of the hearer.
STOB^EUS, Flor. xxxvii. 22.
GREEK WIT. 87
272.
A young student in the Academy was talking a
good deal of nonsense about " Institutions," when
he was stopped by a hint from Zeno : "If you
don't moisten that tongue of yours with a little
sense, you will make still worse mistakes in your
discourses." STOB^US, Flor. xxxvii. 23.
273-
Isocrates, the orator, demanded a double fee
from a chatterbox called Careon, who had applied
to him for instruction in rhetoric. Being asked
the reason for so high a charge, Isocrates replied,
" One fee is for teaching you to talk, the other for
teaching you to hold your tongue." Ibid. 25.
274.
Aristides was asked what gave him the greatest
pain during his banishment from Athens ? He re-
plied, "The discredit my country incurred for
having banished me." Ibid, xxxviii. 28.
275-
The wife of Aristides, who was devoting his
whole time and attention to politics, once re-
88 GREEK WIT.
marked to him, " I wish you had thought your
own private affairs were public and the public
were private." STOB/EUS, Flor. xxxviii. 30.
276.
Socrates used to say it was easier to keep a hot
coal on one's tongue than a secret.
Ibid. xlii. 5.
277.
It was a saying of Agathon's : "A ruler should
bear in mind three things : that he rules human
beings, that he must rule by law, and that he will
not always be a ruler." Ibid. xlvi. 24.
278.
A young man was compelled by his father to
turn farmer against his will. Not liking the pro-
fession, he went and hanged himself, leaving this
written statement: "Farming is a most senseless
pursuit, a mere labouring in a circle. You sow
that you may reap, and then you reap that you
may sow ! Nothing ever comes of it."
Ibid. Iviii. 10.
279.
One Pollis, of Agrigentum, was entertained by a
GREEK WIT. 89
hard master of a household, who would not allow
his servants even rest at nights, but kept them to
some work or other. By way of reproof, he in-
vited his friend in return, and after dinner called
in a great number of his slaves' children, and good-
naturedly gave them nuts and figs. " You've
a lot of children in your house," remarked the
guest. "It is the night-work of my servants," re-
plied Pollis. STOB^EUS, Flor. Ixii. 48.
280.
Some one said to Bion, " Beauty holds empire
over man." " I don't think much of an empire,"
said he, "that can be dissolved by a hair."
Ibid. Ixvi. 5.
281.
Xenophon, at an entertainment given by the
tyrant Dionysius, was pressed by the cupbearer to
take another goblet. He appealed to his host :
" How is it," he asked, " that your chef, whom we
all acknowledge to be a first-rate artist, merely
places his dishes before us in silence, and does
not urge us to eat more when we don't wish ? "
ATHEN. x. p. 427.
90 GREEK WIT.
282.
Anacharsis the philosopher was praising the
wines of Greece to the King of Scythia, and
showed him some cuttings of the vine. " If," he
said, " the Greeks had not pruned their vines
every year, by this time they would have been in
Scythia." ATHEN. x. p. 428.
283.
Socrates was asked what act of their lives people
most commonly repented of ? " Marriage, " he
replied. STOB/^US, Flor. Ixviii. 30.
284.
Some one remarked to Dorion, the flute-player,
that skate was a good fish. " Very much like
eating boiled cloak," replied he.
ATHEN. viii. p. 337.
285.
Phalanthus was besieged in the Rhodian city of
lalysus by Iphiclus. Trusting to the security of
the place, and to an oracle which predicted it never
would be taken "till white crows are seen, and
fishes have appeared in the wine-bowls," he held
GREEK WIT. 9 t
out for a long time. At length Iphiclus got hold of
one of Phalanthus' people, who had come for
water. " When you pour that in the bowl," h^
said, "mind you let these little fishes go in too "
(these he had caught at the spring). Then Iphi-
clus caught some crows and let them go, after
smearing them with whitewash. When Phalanthus
saw white crows, he rushed to the wine-bowl, and
lo ! it was full of little fishes ! "It's all up, I see,"
he exclaimed, and negotiated with Iphiclus for an
honourable surrender of the city.
ATHEN. viii. p. 360.
286.
Antagoras was such a glutton that he refused to
go to the bath while a bird was being roasted,
"lest," he said, "the slaves should suck up the
gravy." "Your mother will look to it," said a
friend. "What!" replied he, "do you suppose
I would trust even my own mother with bird's
gravy 1" Ibid. p. 340.
287.
A certain glutton, Theocritus of Chios, had
"eaten up" his estate. One day he burnt the
92 GREEK WIT.
roof of his mouth * with a piece of hot fish.
"Now," said a friend, "you have only to drink
up the sea, and you will have made three of the
elements to vanish entirely."
ATHEN. viii. p. 344.
288.
Aristodemus, a noted gourmand, on hearing
that a great judge of fish had died from eating it
too hot, remarked, "Then Death was guilty of
sacrilege." Ibid. p. 345.
289.
A beam having fallen and killed a notoriously
bad man, Stratonicus the harper said it was a
just judgment, whether there " be more gods " than
the rogue thought, 2 or "beam or gods " caused his
death. Ibid. p. 350.
290.
The same, when one boasted that he had both
a teacher of the flute and a player on the flute in
his own family, remarked that he only wanted a
family audience. Ibid.
1 The Greek also means that the sky had been burnt.
Ennius called the vault of heaven "caeli palatum," our
word "palate."
3 A pun between Joxo; and Sox<2.
GREEK WIT. 93
291.
Some time after the death of Socrates, Plato
was present at a party of his friends, who were in
deep dejection. "Cheer up," said Plato, "/'//
conduct the school myself. Apollodorus, your
good health ! " "I had rather," said Apollodorus,
sulkily, "have taken the cup of hemlock from
Socrates than the cup of wine from you." For
Plato was not popular from his naturally jealous
temper. ATHEN. xi. p. 507.
292.
The people of Sybaris were so luxurious and
affected that they disliked any kind of hard work.
One of them happened to say, that on going into a
field he had seen some workmen digging, and took
up a spade himself. ' ' Dear me ! " said one of his
audience, "my back quite aches to hear you say
so !" Ibid. xii. p. 518.
293-
The same people had a great liking for pet dogs
and pet monkeys. To one of them who wished to
conclude a bargain for a supply of apes from
Mauritania, Massinissa the king said, " Do your
women, then, not bear children?" Ibid.
94 GREEK WIT,
294.
The same people enacted a law that if any
cook or confectioner had invented some special
delicacy, he was entitled to the sole use of and
profit from it for a year. ATHEN. xii. p. 521.
295-
Timotheus, the son of Conon, was entertained
by Plato at a simple dinner in the Academy. Hav-
ing been used to costly banquets, and feeling the
better for his temperance on the following day, he
remarked, when he next met Plato, "You philo-
sophers dine better for to-morrow than for to-
day." Ibid. x. p. 419.
296.
Pytho of Byzantium was a very fat man. He
once said to the citizens, in advising them to make
friends after a political dispute, "Gentlemen, you
see how stout I am ; well, I have a wife at home
who is far fatter than I ! Now, when we are good
friends we can sit together on any small sofa ; but
when we quarrel, I assure you the whole house
cannot contain us ! " Ibid. xii. p. 550.
297.
A parasite, very much reduced by a long illness,
GREEK WIT. 95
met a lady of his acquaintance. "How thin you
are !" she exclaimed. " Thin ! " replied he ; " what
do you suppose, now, I have eaten for the last three
days?" " Either the oil-cruet, or perhaps a pair
of shoes," she replied. ATHEN. xiii. p. 584.
298.
A rich man, who had formerly been a slave, had
purchased a servant-girl for his household. One
day she caught him napping, and noticed the scars
left on him by the lash. "What mean these
marks?" she asked. " Some hot broth was spilt
over me when I was a boy." " I see," said she ;
' ' weal-broth . ' ' Ibid. p. 585 .
299.
A lover of the fair Thais once showed her a
quantity of plate which he had borrowed, but pre-
tended to be his own. "I intend," he said, "to
have all this melted down, and some new plate
made." "But," she replied, "you will oblite-
rate the owner's marks, you know. " Ibid.
300.
A rich but stingy lover said to the object of his
admiration, "You are the Venus of Praxiteles."
96 GREEK WIT.
"And you," she rejoined, "are the Cupid of
Pheidias"( thrifty). Ibid.
301.
Diogenes remarked of people who pay great
attention to dreams, that "they care nothing about
the acts they do when wide awake, but care a great
deal about the fancies they have in their dreams."
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 43.
302.
Diogenes and Plato were not very good friends.
One day, seeing Plato taking some olives at a
grand banquet at Syracuse, Diogenes remarked:
"Why does our philosopher come all this way to
get good dinners, and then refuse to enjoy them?"
Says Plato, " I used to take olives mostly at
Athens, Diogenes." " Then why did you sail to
Syracuse?" asked Diogenes; "was there no crop
of olives in Attica at the time ? "
Ibid. vi. 2, 25.
303.
Diogenes used to say that he had an immense
respect for the honesty of slaves who waited at
dinner. They saw their masters gorging and cram-
GREEK WIT. 97
ming, and yet abstained from making a snatch at the
eatables. DIOG. LAERT. vi. 28.
304-
The same once called out in public, " Hi ! men
here !" When a crowd collected, he suddenly fell
on them with his stick. "I called for men," he
said, " not for such a set of scamps as you."
Ibid. 32.
SOS-
The same, being once asked to dinner, declined,
saying, "He was not aware that he was under any
obligation to the gentleman." Ibid. 34.
306.
Diogenes, when some one at Samothrace was
expressing surprise at the number of offerings
made to the local gods in thanksgiving for safe
voyages, observed: "There would have been a
good many more if all who have been drowned
had also made offerings." Ibid. 2, 59.
307.
The same once asked alms of a sour-tempered
man, who said, "Try to convince me that I ought
2 H
98 GREEK WIT.
to give." "Had I thought you amenable to
reason," said Diogenes, "I should have recom-
mended you to go and hang yourself. "
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 2, 59.
308.
The same used to compare gluttons and spend-
thrifts to figs growing on an inaccessible rock.
" Man gets no good from them ; only the birds of
prey." Ibid. 60.
309-
The same, when Alexander once said to him, " I
am Alexander, the great king," replied: "And I
am Diogenes, the Cynic." Ibid.
Diogenes, when one asked him how he got the
name of Cynic (Dog), replied: " By making friends
with those who give, barking at those who don't,
and biting rogues and scamps." Ibid.
The same was picking ripe figs from a tree.
Some one said, "Do you know a man hanged
GREEK WIT. 99
himself from this unlucky tree only yesterday ? "
" I'll soon clear it of the charge," he replied.
DIOG. LAERT. vi. 61.
312.
The same, observing an ignorant wrestler pre-
tending to give medical advice, said to him, " I
suppose you want to lay on his back one of those
who formerly floored you" Ibid. 62.
3I3.
The same, hearing certain persons praised for
giving him alms, asked, " And have you not a
word of praise for the object of their charity ? "
Ibid.
314.
The same, being blamed for looking into some
dirty places, answered : "So does the sun; but I
never heard that he dirtied himself by it."
Ibid. 63.
315.
Diogenes was once dining in a building attached
to a temple. Observing some black-looking bread
on the table, he flung it all away, saying: " Let
nothing unclean enter here." Ibid. 64.
ioo GREEK WIT.
316.
The same, when some one had hit him with a
pole, and then called out, ' ' Take care ! " hit him
in return a smart rap with his stick, saying, "Take
care ! " DIOG. LAERT. vi. 66.
317.
The same once asked Plato, ' ' Are you writing
the 'Laws?' "I am," he replied. "And did
you write the 'Republic?'" "Yes." "Well,
has not every republic laws of its own ? What was
the use of your writing laws over again ? "
STOBJEUS, Flor. xiii. 37.
THE MAXIMS OF THE " SEVEN WISE MEN." 1
Go with God. Obey law. Worship the gods.
Respect parents. Bear defeat when you deserve it.
Decide with knowledge. Hear and understand.
Know thyself. Marry only when it is fitting. Be
not too proud for a mortal. Know that thou art
1 Most of these sayings are in two words of from two to
three syllables each. Such brevity is often impossible in
an English translation. In a few instances it is a cause of
obscurity in the Greek.
GREEK WIT. 101
a stranger. Honour the hearth. 1 Govern thyself.
Aid thy friends. Restrain wrath. Make good
sense the lesson of life. Prize forethought. Swear
not at all Hold friendship in regard. Cling to
learning. Aim at getting a good name. Aspire
to be wise. Speak well of what is good. Dis-
parage no one. Praise virtue. Be just in your
dealings. Have a good opinion of friends. Repel 2
enemies. Act always as a gentleman. Ab-
stain from vice. Be not exclusive. Keep
what is your own ; abstain from what belongs
to others. Use good words. Hear everything.
Oblige a friend. Do nothing in excess. Econo-
mize time. Have an eye to the future. Dislike
outrage. Show mercy to suppliants. Suit your-
self to all. Educate your sons. Give when you
have got. Fear craft. Speak well of all. Make
yourself a philosopher. Judge in things lawful. 3
Act with full knowledge. Abstain from slaughter.
Pray for what is possible. Make friends of the
wise. Make sure of a man's morals. Restore what
1 Hospitality, and the ceremonial rites paid at the hearth-
stone.
3 Or requite.
3 This would seem to mean, " Do not give a rash decision
in things sacred " (oV xptvt).
io2 GREEK WIT.
you have taken. Suspect no one. Avail your-
self of skill. Give at once what you intend.
Value good services. Grudge no man. Never
sleep on watch. Praise hope. Hate slander.
Make gains justly. Honour the good. Be sure
about your judge. Keep authority over mar-
riages. Believe in luck. Avoid bail. Converse
with all. Make friends of equals. Lead not
others into expenses. Take pleasure in acquir-
ing. Have respect for modesty. Repay in full
a favour. Pray for prosperity. Be content
with your fortune. Use eyes as well as ears.
Lose not labour on what cannot be gotten. De-
test strife. Dislike taunts. Hold your tongue.
Repel insolence. Decide justly. Make use of
wealth. Take no bribe for a legal inquiry. Blame
no one behind his back. Speak with knowledge.
Insist not on strong measures. Live in peace. Be
gentle in intercourse. Do not shirk your obliga-
tions. Be courteous to all. Curse not your sons.
Control your tongue. Study your own good.
Teach yourself to be affable. Give a reply when
it is wanted. Labour with right on your side. So
act as not to regret. When you do wrong be sorry
for it. Keep guard over your eye. Be not hasty
in counsel. Do not stop till you have made an end.
GREEK WIT. 103
Preserve friendship. Be good natured . Try never
to disagree. Tell no one a secret. Fear that which
has power over you. Pursue what is suited to you.
Await the right time. Settle enmities. Look for
old age. Boast not of strength. Accustom your-
self to good words. Avoid making an enemy.
Get rich by honesty. Do not fall short of your
reputation. Hate vice. Never be tired of learn-
ing. Be prudent in your ventures. Never give up
thrift. Hold oracles in respect. Be fond of your
household. Fight not against the absent. Re-
spect an elder. Teach the younger. Mistrust
wealth. Have self-respect. Never commence an
outrage. Be a crown of honour to your ancestors.
Die for your country. Fight not with life. Laugh
not over a corpse. Condole with the unfortunate.
Do favours that bring no harm. Be not pained at
every annoyance. Let your offspring be from the
well-born. Make professions to no one. Wrong
not the dead. Think not, because you prosper,
that you are a god. Trust not to fortune. As a
boy be well-behaved, as a young man have self-
control, in middle age be honest, in old age be
reasonable. Be resigned to die.
STOB^US, Flor. iii. 80.
io 4 GREEK WIT.
319.
Theophrastus said to one who had kept silent at
a social party, "If you are uneducated you are
wise, if educated foolish."
DIOG. LAERT. v. 2, 40.
320.
Phylarchus says, that the Greeks, in sacrificing
to the sun, do not use wine, but only honey, in the
libations. It would never do, they say, for a god
to get tipsy who has to govern, to visit, and to
keep going the whole universe !
ATHEN. xv. p. 693.
321.
Diogenes, seeing the house of a spendthrift ad-
vertised for sale, said to it, "I knew that, after
such a debauch, you would not long retain your
owner on your stomach."
DIOG. LAERT. vi. ii. 47.
322.
Aristippus, who was fond of good cheer, once
told his attendants to give two pounds for a par-
tridge. When some one blamed him for his ex-
GREEK WIT. 105
travagance, he asked, " Would not you have given
two pence for it ? " " Perhaps I might," was the
reply. " Well," said Aristippus, " two pounds to
me are what two pence are to you."
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 8, 66.
323-
The same, when some one asked him to solve a
riddle, replied, " Why do you want to untie that
which gives us trouble enough when tied up ? "
Ibid. 70.
324-
Aristippus was asked, why he borrowed money
of his friends. " Not for my own benefit," he re-
plied, " but to teach them the proper use of
wealth." Ibid. 72.
325.
The same was once sailing in a boat with a large
sum of money. Discovering that the crew were in
reality pirates, he took out his money, counted it
before them, and pretended to drop it accidentally
into the sea. "Oh dear! oh dear!" he ex-
claimed, " there's all my money gone. Oh ! "
"Why did you do that?" asked a friend after-
wards. "Why," said he, "surely it was better
io6 GREEK WIT.
that the money should be lost through Aristippus,
than that Aristippus should be lost through the
money." DIOG. LAERT. ii. 4, 77.
326.
A young man was introduced to Aristippus, to
become his pupil. "I shall expect ten pounds,"
said the philosopher. "Ten pounds," said the
father; "why, I could buy a slave for that!"
"Then buy one," said Aristippus, "and you will
have two slaves in your household."
Ibid. ii. 8, 72.
327.
When Croesus became King of Lydia, he ap-
pointed his brother as regent equally with himself.
Hearing of this, one of the Lydians came to him
and said : " Sir, we know that the sun is the source
of all that is good and beautiful on earth, and that
there would be nothing unless he shone upon it.
But if some day we have two suns, everything will
be burnt up and destroyed. So also the Lydians
accept one King, and regard him as their protector,
but they won't stand two. "
STOB^SUS, Flor. xlvii. 20.
CREEK WIT. 107
328.
Solon was once present at a banquet, when a
nephew of his sang one of Sappho's odes. He
was so delighted with it that he desired his nephew
to teach it to him also. " Why do you take such
an interest in it?" asked the youth. " That as
soon as I have learnt it I may die," replied Solon.
STOB^EUS, Flor. xxviii. 58.
329-
Archimedes stuck so closely to the board on
which he drew his diagrams, that his attendants
had to use force to make him leave it for a time to
get washed and anointed. No sooner was the
latter operation performed, than he began to draw
squares and circles on his oiled skin !
Ibid. 86.
330.
^schylus was a spectator of a boxing-match at
the Isthmian games, together with his contem-
porary Ion of Chios. One of the combatants, on
receiving a terrible blow in the face, remained
silent, though there was a loud cry on the part of
all present. "See," said ^Eschylus, "what prac-
tice will do." //</. 87.
io8 GREEK WIT.
331-
Cephisodorus made the shrewd remark, that
when people got through their property by ex-
travagance, it was invariably inherited, and not
gained by their own exertions.
STOB/EUS, Flor. xxviii. 78.
332.
Anaxarchus said that if any one imprecated on
another the loss of his hands or his feet, he would
be justly angry ; and yet rich people deliberately
made those limbs useless to themselves, and then
gloried in it. Ibid. xxx. 13.
333-
Cleanthes, who had not uttered a word at a
social meeting, was asked if conversation with
friends was not a pleasure ? "The more it is so,"
he replied, " the more we ought to resign it to
those for whom we have a special regard."
Ibid, xxiii. 8.
334-
Theocritus was asked by a chatterbox, " Where
shall I see you to-morrow ? " " Where I shall not
SP^ you," he replied. Ibid, xxxiv. 15.
GREEK WIT. 109
335-
Some one said to Cleostratus, " Are you not
ashamed of being drunk ? " " Are not you
ashamed," he replied, " of being seen talking to
a drunken man?" STOB/EUS, Flor. xxxiv. 17.
336.
Lycurgus, the law-giver, used to say, that a
man's credit depended on his fortune, but his
credibility on his manner. Ibid, xxxvii. 24.
337-
Socrates used to advise young men to look at
themselves often in the mirror. ' ' If you are hand-
some," he said, " make yourselves worthy of your
looks ; if you have the misfortune to be ugly, use
high accomplishments for a veil."
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 16, 33.
338.
Socrates once asked some rich people to dine
with him, to the great consternation of his wife
Xanthippe. "Never mind, my dear," said he;
" if they are reasonable people, they will fall in
no GREEK WIT.
with our ways ; if they prove a bad lot, why, we
shall not trouble ourselves about them. "
DIOG. LAERT. ii. 34.
339.
The same, in estimating in the aggregate a num-
ber of things of trifling value, said, "One would
hardly object to a bad shilling, and then accept a
number of the same coins in discharge of a debt."
Ibid.
340.
Socrates, on being informed that he had been
condemned to death by the Athenians, replied,
" And so have they been by Nature."
Ibid. 35.
341.
The same, on rinding that he had been made a
butt for the writers of comedy, said, " We should
submit ourselves to their criticisms, for if there is
really something wrong in us, we will correct it ;
if not, their criticisms need not concern us."
Ibid. 36.
342.
Xanthippe, after roundly scolding him, ended
by throwing a pail of water over Socrates. ' I
GREEK WIT. in
told you Xanthippe would bring rain after thun-
dering," he remarked. DIOG. LAERT. ii. 36.
343-
Diogenes, observing that the city of Myndus
was small, but had large gates, exclaimed,. "Ye
men of Myndus ! if you don't shut those gates, your
city will get out." Ibid. vi. 2, 57.
344-
Diogenes went up to a fat pleader called Anaxi-
menes, and said to him, " If you would give us
poor folk some of that paunch of yours, you would
be the lighter, and we should be all the better for
it." Ibid.
345-
The same, when some one had said to him,
"You pretend to be a philosopher, but know
nothing," rejoined, " Even pretending to be
learned, shows a fondness for it. " Ibid. 64.
346.
The city of Mylasa in Caria stands under the
brow of a steep hill, in which are quarries of fine
white marble. The material was found useful for
constructing the public buildings, but the site was
dangerous from the chance of landslips. A go-
Ti2 GREEK WIT.
vernor of the district, observing this, remarked,
that if the founder of the city had no sense of fear,
he might at least have had some respect for his
own reputation. STRABO, lib. xiv. p. 659.
347-
Alabanda in Caria lies between two hills, which
give the town some resemblance to an ass between
two panniers. As the neighbourhood swarms with
scorpions, one Apollonius, a ban vivant of the
place, said of it, "Alabanda is nothing better than
two panniers full of scorpions. " Ibid. p. 660.
348.
One of the sayings of Chilo of Sparta was :
" Prefer loss to dishonest gain ; the former vexes
you for a time, the latter will bring you lasting
r-ernorse." DIOG. LAERT. i. 2, 70.
349-
Bias of Priene used to say, " The most unfor-
tunate of all men is he who cannot bear mis-
fortune." ~~~~fbid. i. 5, 86.
350.
The same, when asked what most men regarded
as the chief pleasure of life, replied, " Money-
making." Ibid.
GREEK WIT. 113
351.
Socrates used to say, " A man can no more
make a safe use of wealth without reason, than he
can of a horse without a bridle."
STOB^EUS, Flor. iii. 90.
352.
The same observed that, "You might as well
expect a weak man to bear_a-bttKten as a fool to
bear_pjx>sperity." Ibid. iv. 64.
353-
Democritus said, "Men of no mind desire to
become old merely because they are afraid to die. "
Ibid. 81.
354-
Diogenes was once strolling backwards, under a
portico, when he noticed some persons laughing at
him. "Are you not ashamed," he asked, "to
find fault with my back-stepping, when you your-
selves have been back-sliding all through life ? "
Ibid. 84.
355-
Zeno, the Stoic, had a way of quietly bantering
those whom he wished to ridicule. One day, when
a young fop showed some hesitation in crossing a
2 I
n 4 GREEK WIT.
small watercourse, Zeno observed, " He doesn't
like mud. It won't reflect his pretty face as well
as clear water does."
DIOG. LAERT. vii. i, 17.
356.
The same, when a Cynic philosopher asked him
for a little oil in his cruet, replied, "Shan't! Now
go home and consider which of us two has the
greater impudence." Ibid.
357-
The same, when his pupil Aristo was talking in
a random way, said to him, " I should say your
father was tipsy when he begot you." Ibid. 18.
358.
The same, when some one remarked that he dis-
liked most of the doctrines of Antisthenes, quoted
to him a pregnant sentence from Sophocles. " Do
you see anything good in that?" he asked. "I
don't know," said the other. " Then why do you
select only the bad sayings of Antisthenes ? May
there not be some good in him also which you
-don't know' of?" Ibid. 19.
GREEK WIT. 115
359-
A wealthy and good-looking youth from Rhodes,
not remarkable for intelligence, pressed Zeno for
instruction, and seemed unwilling to leave him.
The philosopher, in the first place, made him sit
down on a dusty bench, that he mighL-Soil-his
smart cloak^and afterwards brought him into close
contact with some ragged beggars. The young
man very soon left him. DIOG. LAERT. vii. 22.
360.
Zeno was once present at a banquet of talkers,
and did not utter a word. When he was reproached
for this, he said, "Go and tell the host that one of
his guests, at least, knows how to hold his tongue. "
Ibid. 24.
36i.
Crates was once trying to drag Zeno by his cloak
from a lecture given by Stilpo. " A philosopher's
hold," said Zeno, "should be on the ear, not on
the gown. Persuade me, draw me by that, and I
will go with you. Otherwise, my body only will
be with you, but my heart will remain with Stilpo."
Ibid. I. 24.
6 GREEK WIT.
362.
Plato was in a great rage with one of his slaves,
and said to him, "Thank the gods that your
master is in a passion, or depend upon it, he
would have punished you."
STOB/EUS, Flor. xx. 43.
363-
Socrates, being asked why he never wrote
books, replied, " Because I see that the paper is
worth much more than any thing I could put upon
it." Ibid. xxi. 9.
364-
Socrates, being asked his definition of a Snob,
replied, " One who looks down upon others who
are really his_equals," Ibid. xxii. 38.
365.
Hegemon of Thasos was nicknamed "Pulse."
On one occasion he came into the theatre to act in
a comedy, and surprised the audience by suddenly
pouring a lapful of pebbles from the stage into the
orchestra. "Pelt me, if you please," he ex-
claimed ; " but I maintain that Pulse is not a bad
entertainment either in summer or in winter. "
ATHEN. ix. p. 406.
GREEK WIT. 117
366.
"Art without practice," Protagoras used to say,
" avails as little as practice without art."
STOB^US, Flor. xxix. 80.
367.
Nicias was so fond of active work that he used
often to ask his servants, "Have I been to the
bath ? " " Have I had breakfast ? " Ibid. 85.
368.
Plutarch observes that envy is like smoke, -
there is a great deal of it in those who are begin-
ning, but it vanishes when they flare up, and be-
come illustrious. This, he adds, is the reason why
old men are seldom the objects of envy.
Ibid, xxxviii. 31.
369.
Socrates said, " Those who walk the path of
fame are as certain to be attended by envy as those
who walk in the sunshine by their own shadows. "
Ibid. 35.
370.
Pythagoras held that the downward career of
n8 GREEK WIT.
cities was through the entrance of luxury first, of
possessing more than we want next, of outrage and
insolence in the third place, and of ruin in the
fourth and last. STOB^EUS, Flor. xliii. 79.
37L
Artaxerxes was requested by his chamberlain to
do something which he thought very unfair. Find-
ing on inquiry that the man had been bribed to
make the request, he ordered ^30,000 to be
brought. " Take it," he said ; " I shall be none
the poorer for giving this, but I should be much
more unjust for doing that."
PLUTARCH, Reg. et Imp. Ap. Artax. 4.
372.
Ateas, King of the Scythians, having taken
prisoner a first-rate flute player called Ismenias,
asked him for a tune. The performance was highly
applauded by the court ; but Ateas merely said,
" I had rather hear my horse neigh."
Ibid. Ateas.
373-
Dionysius the elder paid special honour to an
GREEK WIT. 119
unprincipled man who was greatly disliked by the
citizens. When blamed for this, he replied, " It is
my wish to have some one who is more hated than
myself." PLUTARCH, Dionys. n.
374-
The younger Dionysius was asked how it came
to pass that his father, a man of no fortune, and a
private citizen, attained to the sovereignty of Syra-
cuse, while he, the son and successor, had lost it ?
"The reason is this," he replied; "my father
assumed the government when the people were
tired of democracy ; but I succeeded him when they
were tired of sovereignty. " Ibid. Dion. jun. 4
375-
Alexander, the putative son of Antiochus Epi-
phanes, was very partial to one Diogenes, an As-
syrian by birth, and a follower of the Stoics, but a
man of immoral life, and churlish and satirical
temper. This person preferred to his patron a re-
quest not very consistent in a philosopher to be
allowed to wear a purple garment and a golden
crown with a design in the centre representing
Virtue. Alexander consented, and even made
J2o GREEK WIT.
him a present of the crown. But the man had a
secret attachment to a certain actress, 1 and made
her a present of his newly acquired finery. Hear-
ing of this, Alexander invited Diogenes to meet at
a banquet a large party of distinguished men and
philosophers. " And bring with you your crown
and your robes," added the King. On the man
alleging as an excuse, that it was "not a fit occa-
sion for wearing them, " the actress was suddenly
introduced to give a performance, and lo ! she ap-
peared with the crown of Virtue and the purple
robe ! A roar of laughter broke out from the guests,
but Diogenes was not disconcerted, and praised her
performance from beginning to end.
ATHEN. v. p. 211.
376.
The mother of Brasidas, having been told of her
son's death in the battle at Amphipolis, asked the
messengers whether he died with honour, and in a
manner worthy of his country. On their assuring
her that "No Spartan could have been braver,"
she remarked, " Well, strangers, he was a brave
1 The word (XwnwJoj) is used in the feminine, but it seems
to mean a man who acts a woman's part.
GREEK WIT. 121
and good lad ; but, thank heaven ! Sparta has
many better." PLUT. Lacaen. Apoph.
377-
A Spartan woman had five sons who had gone
out as soldiers. Expecting the issue of a battle,
she took a position in the suburb to hear the first
news. When the answer was given to her inquiry,
that all her sons were killed, she exclaimed, "Vile
slave ! I did not ask that, but how my country has
fared." "It is victorious," they replied. "Then,"
said she, "I am content to hear even of the death
of my sons. " Ibid.
378.
Certain refugees came from Chios to prefer com-
plaints against Paedaretus. His mother Teleutia
sent for them, and finding from them that her son
was clearly in the wrong, she wrote to him with
Laconian brevity, " Either behave better, or stay
where you are and give up all idea of returning to
Sparta." Ibid.
379-
Nearchus, describing the cleverness of the
Indians in art, informs us how they succeeded in
making an artificial sponge, having seen a real one
122 GREEK WIT.
in Alexander's camp. They took hair, bits of fine
string, and some threads, and sewed them into a
ball of wool. Then they worked it into a compact
mass like felt, pulled it out again into holes, and
imitated the natural tints by colours.
STRABO, lib. xv. p. 717.
380.
There are three principal forms of government
in the world absolute sovereignty, oligarchy, and
democracy. The conduct of the first two depends
on the disposition of the rulers ; that of the last,
on the laws that have been established.
;SCHINES, Contra Timarch. p. 29.
The Persians had a custom, on the death of their
king, to suspend for five days the action of the
laws. Thus the real value of law, and of a king to
administer it, was forcibly impressed on the people.
STOB/EUS, Flor. xliv. 41.
382.
Bias, when about to condemn a criminal to
death, burst into tears. " What ! " said one pre-
GREEK WIT. . 123
sent, " you, the judge, show this pity 1 " " I can-
not help," he replied, "paying this tribute to
nature, while I give my vote for the law."
STOB/EUS, Flor. xlvi. 67.
383.
Hiero, king of Syracuse, was taunted by some
one for having "foul breath." He blamed his
wife for not having told him of the defect. " I
supposed," she said, " it was a peculiarity of your
sex." PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap. Hiero 3.
384-
When the same charge was brought against the
poet Euripides, he pleaded as the reason that
" many secrets had grown stale on his tongue."
STOB/EUS, Flor. 237, 58.
385.
Antigonus the elder communicated to his son
Demetrius his intention to put Mithridates to death,
but bound him by a solemn oath ' ' not to speak of
it." Demetrius took Mithridates a walk by the
seaside, and wrote on the sand with the end .of his
spear, "Run." Mithridates took the hint, and
124 GREEK WIT.
escaped to Pontus, where he afterwards became
king. PLUT. Reg. et Imp. Ap. Antig. 18.
386.
Some one was praising, in the hearing of King
Agesilaus, an orator who was clever at making
much of a small matter. " I should never call
him a good cobbler," said he, "who makes a large
shoe for a small foot."
PLUT. Apoph. Lac. Ages. 3.
387.
Charillus, the Spartan, being asked the reason
of the custom of unmarried girls being unveiled,
but married women being muffled, replied, " Be-
cause the girls have to find husbands, but the
wives to keep those who own them."
Ibid. Char. 2.
388.
Theophrastus was asked to define Love. " It
is the affection of a mind," he replied, " that has
nothing better to engage it. "
STOB^EUS, Flor. bciv. 29.
389.
Prodicus said that, if you doubled Desire you
GREEK WIT. 125
would get Love for the result ; if you doubled
Love, you would get Madness.
STOB^US, Flor. Ixiv. 28.
390.
Aristotle was asked, " Why is Love a love of
the beautiful?" He answered, "That is the
question of a blind man." Ibid. Ixv. 14.
391-
Cleanthes the Stoic was often bantered by his
fellow- students, who gave him the nickname of
"Ass." "I may be an ass, " he good-naturedly
replied, " but I am the only one of you who can
carry the burden which Zeno, our founder, has
placed on our backs."
DIOG. LAERT. vii. 5, 170.
392.
The same was often heard reproaching himself;
and, on one of these occasions, Aristo asked him,
" Whom are you finding fault with ?" " With an
old man, "he replied, "who has got grey hairs, but
has not got much sense under them."
Ibid. 171.
ia6 GREEK WIT.
393-
The same, when someone remarked, " Arcesi-
laus has very lax views about the Duty of Man,"
replied, "Don't blame him ; his actions are better
than his lectures." "Well," said Arcesilaus.
" you don't flatter me, certainly ! " " Yes, my
friend," said Cleanthes, "it is a compliment, in
your case, to affirm that you preach one thing and
practise another."
DIOG. LAERT. vii. 171.
394-
Chrysippus used to propose to his pupils such
lessons in dialectics as the following: "What is
not in the town cannot be in any private house.
But there is no well in the town ; therefore there
is no well in any private house." Again: "If
someone is at Megara, he cannot be at Athens.
But man is at Megara ; therefore man is not at
Athens." Again: "What you say, comes from
your mouth. But you say, * a waggon ; ' therefore
a waggon comes out of your mouth." Again:
" Head has an abstract existence : you do not pos-
sess that ; therefore you have no head. " And,
again : " If you have not lost a thing, you have it.
GREEK WIT. 127
But you have not lost horns ; therefore you have
horns." DIOG. LAERT. vii. 7, 186-7.
395- -
One of the favourite doctrines of Pyrrho was
Indifferentism, and the absence of any special likes
and dislikes. One day he passed by his friend
and companion Anaxarchus, who had fallen into a
dirty pond, and rendered him no help. Some
blamed him for this ; but Anaxarchus himself
praised his indifferentism. But on another occa-
sion, when he showed grief for the loss of his
sister, he excused himself on the plea that " the
poor woman was not a fit subject for indiffe-
rentism." And once when he ran away from a
fierce dog, he remarked, "It is difficult to rid
one's self entirely of the human."
Ibid. ix. 63, 66.
396.
When a state has some public work to execute,
it advertises for contracts to do the work in the
best and cheapest way. Suppose, now, the work
required is to make human life miserable. Vice
and Luck are sure to compete. Says Luck, "/'//
bring you wars, murders, storms at sea, bad
ia8 GREEK WIT,
seasons, pestilence, false accusations, fines, and
imprisonment ! " Says Vice : "Here I am, stripped
of all external aids ; I want none of the appliances
that Luck boasts of. What do men care for
poverty, or cold, heat, slavery, nay, for death
itself? Many are indifferent to, some even glory
in these things ! No ! Luck cannot make misery.
Try Me ! "
PLUTARCH, An vitiosiias ad infelicitatem
sufficiat.
THE END.
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