Have with you to Saffron-Walden; or, Gabriell Harveys hunt is up. Containing a full answere to the eldest sonne of the halter-maker. Or, Nashe his confutation of the sinfull doctor

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INTRODUCTION.

I originally intended to divide this answer, by Nash to Harvey’s
“ Pierce’s Supererogation”, into two parts ; but, upon reconsi-
deration, I have thought it better to give the whole tract at
once : Harvey’s reply to Nash, under the pseudonome of Litch-
field, the Barber of Cambridge, will conclude the famous literary
controversy. There may, possibly, be some delay in procuring a
transcript of the last, because I shall probably be obliged to make
it myself, knowing nobody, in the depository where the sole
exemplar is found, in whom I can perfectly confide for accuracy.

My reprint of Harvey’s “ Trimming of Thomas Nash” will
be preceded by a succinct list of all the known tracts on both
sides of the question, in the precise order in which they ought to
be read by those who wish to obtain a knowledge of the origin
and progress of the “ flyting”. Generally speaking, Nash has so
much the better of his adversary in wit, ridicule, and satire,
that we are hardly disposed to do justice to the varied learn-
ing and heavy arguments of Harvey : if Harvey had not liked
himself so well, every body would have liked him better. Nash’s
style is all spirit and animation, while that of his antagonist is
comparatively lumbering and clumsy, with here and there a
laborious attempt at vivacity. If Harvey be at any time at all
successful in this line, it is usually an imitation of the well-salted
sallies of his younger adversary. Harvey at about fifty had

a

y OF 1U--

11

certainly read more books than Nash at about five and twenty ;
but such weapons as Nash possessed he used with uncommon
dexterity, and thrust his venomous rapier into every crevice of
his antagonist’s unwieldy armour.

Although some little time may elapse before I am able to
present my friends with Harvey’s conclusion of the contest (when,
in fact, it was terminated by the interposition of public authori-
ties, owing partly to the coarse, and even dirty, personal abuse
into which it was degenerating) I shall continue my present
Yellow Series of “ Miscellaneous Tracts” at only short intervals,
relying upon the recipients for that pecuniary support, without
which it will be impossible to proceed, and which, as hitherto,
shall be regulated by the strictest economy. All I ever want is
to save myself harmless, and to produce only as many copies
as will pay the expense of print, paper, and transcript.

I have also determined to pass through the press “ Church-
yard’s Chips” : he was a poet contemporary even with Surrey and
Wyat, and his miscellany, which appeared in 1575, contains
various productions of a considerably earlier date ; but I shall
not be able to reprint it, unless I am soon favoured with a
remittance of £1 to be applied to this especial object. Perhaps
this notice, though a little out of place here, may be sufficient.

The next issue of my Yellow Series will be a small, nearly
unique, production by one of the humourists of the reigns
of Elizabeth and James I, of whose abilities I have not yet sup-
plied any specimen. J. P. C.

vVfTAA^ 3

HAVE WITH YOU TO
SAFFRON-WALDEN :

OR,

GABRIELL HARVEYS HUNT IS UP.

Containing a full A nfwere to the eldeft fonne
of the Halter-maker :

• OR,

NASHE HIS CONFUTATION OF THE SINFULL
DOCTOR.

The Mott or Pofie, in ftead of Omne tulit punctwn ,
Pads fiduda nunqnam.

As much to fay , as I fayd I would fpeake with
him.

Printed at London by John Danter.

1596.

To the mofl Orthodoxall and reverent Corrector of
flaring haires, the fmcere and jinigraphicall ram-
Jier of prolixious rough barbarifme , the thrice egre-
gious and cenforiall animadvertifer of vagrant
moustachios , chiefe fcavinger of chins , and princi-
pall Head-man of the parifh wherein he dwells ,
fpeciall fupervisor of all excrementall superfluities
for Trinitie Colledge in Cambridge, and (to con-
clude) a not able and fingular benefactor to all
beards in generally Don Richardo Barbaroffa de
Caefario, Tho. Nafhe wifheth the highest toppe
of his contentment and felicitie, and the fhortning
of all his enemies.

A CUTE and amiable Dick, not Die mihi mufa virum ,
mufing Dick, that ftudied a whole yeare to know which
was the male and female of red herrings ; nor Die obfecro ,
Dick of all Dickes, that, in a church where the organs were
defac’d, came and ofifred himfelfe with his pipe and taber ;
nor old Dick of the Caftle, that upon the newes of the Ioffe
of Calisy went and put a whole bird-fpit in the pike of his
buckler; nor Dick Swafh, or defperate Dick, that’s fuch a
terrible cutter at a chyne of beefe, and devoures more meate
at Ordinaries, in difeourfing of his fraies and deep adling of
his flafhing and hewing, than would ferve halfe a dozen
brewers dray-men ; nor Dick of the Cow , that mad demilance
northren borderer, who plaied his prizes with the lord Jockey

Quafi conver-
fant about
heads.

4

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

fo bravely ; but paraphrafticall gallant patron Dick, as good
a fellow as ever was Heigh fill the pot hofleffe; curteous
Dicke, comicall Dicke, lively Dicke, lovely Dicke, learned
Dicke, olde Dicke of Lichfield, jubeo te plurimum falvere ,
which is, by interpretation, I joy to heare thou haft fo pro-
fited in gibridge.

I am fure thou wondreft not a little what I meane, to
come uppon thee fo ftraungelye with fuch a huge dicker of
Dickes in a heape altogether ; but that’s but to fhew the
redundance of thy honorable familie, and how affluent and
copious thy name is in all places, though Erafmus , in his
Copia Verborum , never mentions it.

Without further circumftance, to make fiiort , (which, to
fpeake troth, is onely proper to thy trade,) the fhort and
long of it is this : — There is a certaine kinde of Do6tor of late
very pittifully growen bald, and thereupon is to be fhaven
immediately, to trie if that will helpe him ; now, I know no
fuch nimble fellow at his weapon in all England as thy felfe,
who (as I heare) ftandft in election at this inftant to bee
chiefe Crowner or clipper of crownes in Cambridge , and yet
no defacer of the queenes coyne neither : and it is pittie but
thou fhouldft have it, for thou haft long ferv’d as a clarke
in the crowne office, and concluded fyllogifmes in barbara
anie time this fixteene yeare, and yet never metft with anie
requitall, except it were fome few French crownes , pild
friers crownes, drye fhaven, not fo much worth as one of
thefe Scottifh home crownes ; which (thy verie enemies
muft needes confeffe) were but bare wages, (yea, as bare as
my nayle, i faith,) for thy brave defert and dexteritie : and
fome fuch thinne gratuitie or haire-loome it may be the
do6tor may prefent thee with ; but how ever it falls , hath his

The Epistle Dedicatorie .

5

head or his hayre the falling fickneffe never fo, without anie
more delay, of or on , trimm’d hee muft bee with a trice, and
and there is no remedie, but thou muft needes come and
joyne with me to give him the terrible cut.

Wherefore (good Dick) on with thy apron, and arme thy
felfe to fet him downe at the firft word : ftand to him , I fay,
and take him a button lower : feare not to fhew him a knacke
of thy occupation, and once in thy life let it be faid, that a
do£tor weares thy cloth , or that thou haft caufd him to doo
pennance, and weare haire-cloth for his finnes. Were he as
he hath been (I can affure thee) he would clothe and adorne
thee with manie gracious gallant complements ; and not a
rotten tooth that hangs out at thy fhop window, but should
coft him an indefinite Turkifh armie of English hexameters.
O ! he hath been olde dogge at that drunken, ftaggering kinde
of verfe, which is all up hill and downe hill, like the way
betwixt Stamford and Beechfeeld ’ and goes like a horfe
plunging through the myre in the deep of winter, now fouft
up to the faddle, and ftraight aloft on his tiptoes. Indeed,
in old king Harrie finceritie, a kinde of verfe it is hee hath
been enfeoft in from his minoritie ; for, as I have bin faith-
fully informed, hee firft cryde in that verfe in the verie
moment of his birth ; and when he was but yet a frefh-man
in Cambridge he fet up Siquiffesy and fent his accounts to
his father in thofe joulting heroicks. Come, come, account
of him as you lift, by Poll and Aedipoll I proteft, your noble
fcience of decifion and contradlion is immortally beholding
to him, for twice double his patrimonie hath he fpent in
carefull cherishing and preferving his pickerdevant ; and
befides, a devine vicarly brother of his, called A ftrologicall
Richard \ fome few yeares fince (for the benefit of his coun-

Barbers
knacking their
fingers.

Theyr loufy
naprie they
put about
mens neckes,
whiles they
are trimming.

Siquis, a bill
for any thing
loft.

For division
and contrac-
tion.

6

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

Therfore be-
like hee gave
it that title,
becaufe it was
moft of it
fhort haire his
father made
ropes of.

trey) moft ftudioufly compyled a profound abridgement upon
beards , and therein copioufly dilated of the true difcipline
of peakes, and no leffe fruteleffely determined betwixt the
fwallowes taile cut, and the round beard like a rubbing
brush. It was my chaunce (O thrice bleffed chaunce !) to
the great comfort of my Mufe to perufe it, although it came
but privately in print ; and for a more ratefied pafport (in
thy opinion) that I have read it and digefted it, this title it
beareth,^ Defence of fhort haireagainft Synefius and Pierius;
or rather, in more familiar English to expreffe it, a dash over
the head againft baldnes, verie neceffary to be obferved of
al the loofer fort, or loofe haird fort, of yong gentlemen and
courtiers, and no leffe pleafant and profitable to be remem-
bred of the whole common-wealth of the barbars. The
pofie theretoo annexed, Prolixior eft brevitate fua; as much
to fay, as burne bees and have bees, and hair the more it
is cut the more it comes ; lately devifed and fet forth by
Richard Harvey, the unluckie prophet of prodigies. If this
may not fettle thy beleefe, but yet thou requireft a further
token to make up even money, in the Epiftle Dedicatorie
thereof to a great man of this land, whom he calls his verie
right honourable good Lord, he recounteth his large bounties
beftowed uppon him, and talkes of the fecret favours which
hee did him in his ftudie or clofet at court.

Heare you Dick ! marke you here what a jewell this learn-
ing is ! how long will it be ere thou ftudie thy felfe to the
like preferment ? No reafon I fee why thou, being a barber,
shouldft not bee as hair-braind as he. Onely for writing a
booke of beards, in which he had no further experience, but
by looking on his father when he made hairs, hair lines I
meane, and yet not fuch lines of life as a hangman hath in

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

7

his hand, but haire lines to hang linnen on ; for that fmal
demerit (I fay) is he thus advanced and courted, and from
aftrologicall Dick raifed to be favorite Dick. And verie
meete it is he should be fo favored and raifd by high
perfonages, for before he was as low a parfon or vicar as a
man could lightly fet ey on.

With teares be it fpoken, too few fuch lowly parfons and
preachers we have, who, laying afide all worldly encum-
brances, and plefant converfing with Saint Auften , Jerome ,
Chrifoftome , wilbe content to read a ledlure, as he hath done,
de lana caprina , (almoft as {lender a caft fubjedt as a catts
fmelling haires,) or traverfe the fubtile diftindlions twixt
Jhort cut and long taile.

Fie ! this is not the fortieth dandiprat part of the afifedtion-
ate items hee hath bequeathed on your myfterie : with five
thoufand other dodlrinal devotions hath he adopted him-
felfe more than a by founder of your trade, conjoyning with
his aforefaid dodlor brother in eighty eight browne bakers
dozen of almanackes.

In everie of which famous annals of the foure windes

unfallible rules are prefcribd for men to obferve the beft time
to breed love-lockes in, and fo to ringle a thorough hayre
for rooting, that it fhall never put foorth his fnayles homes
againe ; as alfo under what planet a man maye with leaft
danger picke his teeth, and how to catch the fun in fuch a
phificall figne, that one may fweare and be not a haire the
worfe.

But thefe amplifications adjourned to another returne, all
the devoyre, diamond Dick, which I am in this epiftle
of thy daintie compofition to expoftulate, is no more but
this : that fince under thy redoubted patronage and pro-

Some holde,
that anyplace
of a mans
chin, beeing
rubd with
a gold ring,
beeing heated,
will fo harden
the flrin, that
there fhall
never anie
haire grow
there more.

8

The Epistle Dedicaiorie.

Beftellein, the
royalleft Paffe
in Germanie
that may bee,
onely for
Dukes and
great princes.

A lance, an
instrument to
let bloud
with.

tedtion my workes are to have their royal Beftellein , and
more than common fafe conduct into the world, and that
for the meridian of thy honour and magnificence they are
chiefely elevated and eredted, thou wouldft bravely mount
thee on thy barbed fteed, alias thy triumphant barbers
chaire, and girding thy keene Palermo rafour to thy fide,
in ftead of a trenchant Turkifh femitorie, and fetting thy
fharpe pointed launce in his reft, be with them at a haires
bredth that backbite and detradl me.

Phlebothomize them, fting them, tutch them, Dick, tutch
them ; play the valiant man at armes , and let them bloud
and fpare not : the lawe allowes thee to doe it, it will beare
no adtion ; and thou, beeing a barber furgeon, art priviledgd
to dreffe flefh in Lent or anie thing.

Admit this be not fufficient to coole the heat of their
courage, ferch them in another vaine, by difcharging thy
pocket dags againft them, and let them fmart for it to the
proofe.

Steele thy painted May-pole, or, more properly to tearme
it, thy redoubted rigorous horfmans ftaffe (which at thy
dore as a manifeft figne thou hangft forth of thy martiall
proweffe and hardiment) on their infolent creafts that
maligne and defpife me, and forbeare not to bring forth all
thy braffe peeces againft them. It is well knowen thou
haft been a commaunder and a fouldier ever fince Tilbury
Campe , and earlie and late walkt the round , and dealt verie
Jhort and round with all thofe that come under thy fingers,
ftrugle[d] through the foamie deepe, and fkirmifht on the
downes : wherefore, if thou tak’ft them not downe foundlie,
with a hey downe and a derry, and dooft not fhuffle and cut
with them luftilie, aPtum eft de pudicitia; I afke of God thou

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

9

maift light upon none but bald-pates till thou dieft. But I
trow thou wilt carry a better pate with thee, and not fufifer
any of thefe indigent old fafhiond judgements to carry it
away ; whofe wits were right ftuffe when thofe love-letters
in rime were in requeft, and whofe capacities never mended
their pace, fince Pace, the Duke of Norfolkes foole, died. As
for the decaied Prodlor of Saffron- Walden himfelf, if he
wander within the precindls of thy indignation, I make no
queftion but of thy owne accord, without any motion of
mine, thou wilt be as ready as any catchpoule, out of all
fcotch and notch, to torment him, and deal as fnip fnap fnap-
pifhly with him, as ever he was delt withall fince he firft
dated letters from his gallerie in Trinitie Hall; not fufifring
a lowfe that belongs to him to paffe thy hands without a
powling penny : and yet, as I fhrewdly prefage, thou fhalt
not finde many powling pence about him neither, except he
rob Peter to pay Powle, empoverifh his fpiritual vicar brother
to helpe to pay for his powling; and he, alas ! (dolefull foure
nobles curate, nothing fo good as the confeffour of Tyburne,
or fuperintendent of P ancredge^) hath nittifide himfelfe with
a difh, rotunde profunde, any time this fourteene yeare, to
fave charges of fheep-fh earing ; and, not to make of a thing
more than it is, hath fcarce fo much ecclefiafticall living in
all, as will ferve to buy him cruell ftrings to his bookes, and
haire buttons.

Wherefore I paffe not if, in tender charitie and commifera-
tion of his eftate, I adde ten pound and a purfe to his wages
and ftipend, canvaze him and his angell brother Gabrieli in
ten fheetes of paper, and fo leave them to goe hang them-
felves ; or outright to hang, draw, and quarter them al
under one, I care not if I make it eighteen, on that con-

C

10

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

dition, in their laft will and teftament they bequeath me
eighteene wife words in the way of anfwere betwixt them.

I dare give my word for them, they will never doe it ; no,
not although it were injoynd to them in ftead of their neck-
verfe, their whole ftock of wit, when it was at the beft,
beeing but ten Englifh hexameters and a Lenvoy. Where-
fore, generous Dick, (without hum drum be it fpoken) I
utterly defpaire of them ; or not fo much defpaire of them,
as count them a paire of poore ideots, being not only but
alfo two brothers, two blockheads, two blunderkins, having
their braines ftuft with nought but balder-dafh^ but that
they are the verie botts and the glanders to the gentle
readers, the dead palfie and apoplexie of the preffe, the
farpego and the fciatica of the feven liberall fciences, the
fu[r]fetting vomit of Ladie Vanitie, the fworne bands to one
anothers vain-glorie ; and, to conclude, the moft contempti-
ble Mounjier Ajaxes of excrementall conceipts, and ftinking
kennel-rakt up invention that this or anie age ever af-
forded.

I pry thee, furmounting Donzel Dick , whiles I am in this
heate of invective, let me remember thee to do this one
kindnes more for me ; videlicet , when thou haft frizled and
fcrubd and tickled the haires fweetly, and that thou haft
filcht thy felfe into an excellent honourable affembly of
fharpe judiciall fierie wits and fine fpirits, bee it this winter
at an evening tearme, or where ever, with all the thundring
grace and magnanimous eloquence that thou haft, put up
this hieroycall grace in their behalfe, if thou bee not paft
grace.

A Grace put up in behalfe of the Harveys.
Supplicat reverentiis veftris, per apoftrophen, &c.

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

1 1

In Englifh thus :

Mojl humblie fueth to your Reverences , the reprobate brace
of brothers of the Harveys ; to wit , witleffe Gabrieli and
ruffing Richard : That whereas for anie time this foure and
tiventie yeare they have plaicd the fantaflicall gub-fhites and
goof e-giblets in print , and kept a hate full fcribbling arid a
pampleting about earth-quakes , conjunctions , inundations, the
fearfull blazing fiarre, and the forfworne flaxe-wife ; and
tooke upon them to be falfe prophets , weather-wizards, fortune-
tellers, poets , philofophers , orators , hiforiographers, mounte-
bankes , ballet-makers , and left no arte undefamed with their
filthie dull-headed practife ; it may pleafe your Worfhips and
Maferfliips, thefe infidell premiffes confidered ', and that they
have fo fidly performed all their acts in ab fur ditie, impudence,
and foolerie, to grant them their abfolute graces, to commence
at Dawes Croffe, and with your general fubferiptions confirm
them for the profoundef Arcandums, Acarnanians, and
dizards, that have been dif covered fonce the deluge, and J'o let
them paffe throughout the Queenes dominions .

Purpofely that fpace I left, that as manie as I fhall per-
fwade they are Pachecoes, Poldaviffes , and Dringles, may
fet their hands to their definitive fentence, and with the
clearke helpe to crye Amen to their eternall unhandfom-
ming.

Plie them, plie them unceffantlv, unico Dick, even as a
water-man plies for his fares ; and infinuate and goe about
the bufli with them, like as thou art wont to infinuate and
go about the grizlie bufhie beard of fome favage Saracen

12

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

butcher, and never furceafe flaunting and firking it in fuftian,
till under the Univerflties united hand and feale they bee
enadled as obfolcete a cafe of cockes-combes as ever he was
in Trinitie Colledge , that would not carrie his tutors bow
into the field becaufe it would not edifie ; or his fellow qui
quce codshcad , that in the Latine tragedie of K. Richard ’
cride, Ad urbs , ad urbs , ad urbs ! wrhen his whole part was
no more, but Urbs , urbs , ad arma , ad arma !

Shall I make a motion which I would not have thee
thinke I induce to flatter thee neyther, thou being not in
my walke, whereby I might come to wafh my handes with
thee a mornings, or get a fprinkling or a brufhing for a
brybe : wilt thou commence and make no more ado, fince
thou haft almoft as much learning, and farre more wit, than
the two brothers, or eyther of thofe profound qui mihi dif-
ciptdaffes above mentioned ?

Nowverely (I perfwade-mee) if thou wouldft attempt it,
not all the Gabriels betwixt this and Godmanchefter , put
together, wold make a more perpolite cathedral dodtor than
thy felfe ; for all language at thy fingers ende thou haft as
perfe<5t as Spruce , and nere a Dicke Harvey , or cathedral
do6lor of them all, can read a more fmooth fuccindl Lipjian
le<5lure of fhort haire than thou over thy barbars chaire, if
thou bee fo difpofed, nor ftand and encounter all commers
fo conftantly.

Dick, I exhort thee as a brother, be not a horfe to forget
thy own worth : thou art in place where thou maift promote
thy felfe; do not clofe-prifon and eclipfe thy vertues in the
narrow glaffe lanthorne of thy barbers fhop, but refledl them
up and downe the realme, like to thofe profpective glaffes
■which expreffe not the fimilitudes they receive neere hand,

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

13

but caft them in the ayre a farre off, where they are more
clerely reprefented.

Commence, commence, I admonifh thee : thy merits are
ripe for it, and there have been doctors of thy facultie, as
doctor Dodipowle for example ; and here in London , yet
extant viva voce to teftifie, doctor Nott and doctor Powle , none
of which in notting and powling go beyond thee. To utter
unto thee my fancie as touching thofe neoterick tongues
thou profeffeft, in whofe pronunciation old Tooly and thou
varie as much, as Stephen Gardineer and Sir John Cheeke
about the pronunciation of the Greeke tongue : loe ! for a
teftifying incouragement how much I wifh thy encreafe in
thofe languages, I have here tooke the paines to nit and
louze over the doctours booke, and though manie cholericke
cookes about London in a mad rage have difmembred it,
and thruft it piping hot into the oven under the bottomes
of dowfets, and impioufly prickt the torne fheetes of it, for
bafting paper, on the outfides of geefe and roafting beefe,
to keepe them from burning ; yet have I naturally cherifht
it and hugd it in my bofome, even as a carrier of Bofomes
InnedooXh a cheefe under his arme, and the pureft Parmafen
magget phrafes therein cull’d and pickt out to prefent thee
with.

Read and perufe them over, as diligently as thou wouldft
doo a charme againft the tooth-ache ; for this I can gofpelly
avouch, no Height paynes hath the doctour tooke in collect-
ing them, confulting a whole quarter of a yeare with Textors
Epithites (which he borrowd of a frend of mine in Poules
Churchyard) onely to pounfe them out more poetically.

Be not felf-wild, but infift in my precepts, and I will
tutour thee fo Pythagoreanly how to husband them in al

A rag borrowd
from his owne
dunghil.

1 4 The Epistle Dedicator ie.

companies, that even Willington himfelfe, thy fellow barber
in Cambridge , (who hath long borne the bell for finicall de-
fcanting on the Crates ) fhalbe conftrained to worfhip and
offer to thee.

Abruptly to breake into the bowels of this index of bald
inkhornifme, what faift thou for all thou art reputed fuch
an cenigmaticall linguift (under the doctors terme probatorie
licenfe bee it fpoken, being a terme with him as frequent as
ftanding upon termes among lawiers), canft thou enter into
the true nature of villanie by connivence ? I hold a groate
thou canft not confter it. A word it is, that the doctor lay
a whole weeke and a day and a night, entranced on his bed,
to bring forth, and on the Munday evening late caufd all
the bels, in the parifh where he then fojourned, to be rong
forth, for joy that he was delivered of it.

Repent, and be ashamed of thy rudeneffe ; O ! thou that
haft made fo manie men winke whyles thou caft fuds in their
eyes, and yet knoweft not what connivence meanes. Plod-
ding, and dunftically like a clowne of Cherryhinton , bafely
thou befeecheft them to winke, whiles thou mak’ft a tennis-
court of their faces, by brick-walling thy clay-balls croffe
up and downe their cheekes ; whereas, if thou wert right
orthographizd in the doctors elocution, thou wouldft fay, in
ftead of, I pray, Sir, winke I muft wafh you, Sir, by your
favour I muft require your connivence.

Againe : it is thy cuftome, being fent for to fome tall old
fmckauter, or ftigmaticall bearded mafter of arte, that hath
been chin-bound ever fince Charles the Ninths maffacre in
France , to rush in bluntly with thy washing bowle and thy
nurfe-cloutes under thy cloake, and after a few fcraping
ceremonies, to afke if his worship bee at leafure to be re-
created ?

The Epistle Dedicatone.

15

A malo in pejus! that is the meaneft falutation that ere I
heard : utterly thou bewrayeft thy non-projiciencie in the
doctors Paracelfian rope-rhetorique. What a peftilence a
yong braine, and fo poore and penurious in Conges ? Rayfe
thy conceipt on the trees, or, rather than faile, new corke it
at the heeles, before it should thus walke bare-foote up and
downe the ftreetes.

Hence take thy Harveticall exordium , if thou wouldft
have thy conceit the worlds favourite at firft dash, Omnifci-
ous and omnifufficient mafter Doctor , (for fo hee calls Corne-
lius Agrippd) will it pleafe you to bee cofmologizd and fmirktf

Suppofe a bishop come to the univerfitie, as the Bishop
of Lincolne fomtimes to vifit Kings Colledge} and the Bishop
of Ely Saint Johnsy (whiles there was ever a bishop there,)
a playne bishop (like Martin ) at everie word thou wilt
terme him, whereas if thou wert but one hower entred com-
mons in Harvey de Oratore , A great pontife or demy-god in
omnifufficiencie thou wouldft enftall him.

But to appofe thee more dallyingly and familiarly. It is
given out amongft fchollers, that thou haft a paffing fingular
good wit ; now, to trie whither thou haft fo or no, let me
heare what change of phrafes thou haft to defcribe a good
wit in, or how, in pedagogue Tragotanto doctors English,
thou canft florish upon it.

I feele thy pulfes beat flowly alreadie, although thou beeft
fortie mile off from mee, and this impotent anfwere (with
much adoe) droppes from thee, even as fweate from a leane
man that drinkes facke ; namely, that thou thinkeft there
cannot much extraordinarie defcant be made of it, except
it be to fay, fuch a one hath an admirable capacitie, an in-
comparable quick invention, and a furmounting rich fpirit

i6

The Epistle Dcdicatorie.

above all men. Hah ha ! a deftitute poore fellow art thou,
and haft mift mee nine fcore : goe, goe, get thee a caudle
and keepe thy felfe warme in thy bed, for, out of queftion,
thy fpirit is in a confumption.

A rich fpirit quoth a ? nay then a fpirit in the way of
honeftie too : loe ! this it is, to be read in nothing but in
Barnabe Riches workes. Spend but a quarter fo much
time in mumping uppon Gabrielifme, and lie be bound, bodie
and goods, thou wilt not anie longer fneakingly come forth
with a rich fpirit and an admirable capacitie, but an enthu-
Jiafticall fpirit , and a nimble entelechy. In the courfe of my
booke a whole catalogue thou fhalt finde of all thefe Guiny
phrafes, to which, in zealous care of thy reformation, I re-
ferre thee.

Dii boni , boni ! quid porto ? What a large dioceffe of epif-
tling have I here progreft through ! The fummons to a
generall councell, with all the reafons mooving thereunto,
or Tindalls Prologue before the New Teftament, are but
fhort graces before meate, in comparifon of this my immo-
derate dedication. But the beft is, if it be too long, thou
haft a combe and a paire of fciffers to curtail it ; or, if thou
lift not ftand fo long about it, with a Trinitie Colledge rub-
ber thou maift epitomize it extempore.

Marrie ! if thou long to heare the reafon why I have fo
ftretcht it on the tenter -hookes, forfooth it is a garment for
the woodcocke Gabriel Harvey , and fooles, ye know, alwaies
for the moft part (efpeciallie if they bee naturall fooles) are
futed in long coates ; whereupon I fet up my reft to fhape
his garments of the Tame fize, that I might be fure to fit on
his fkirts.

Dick, no more at this time, but N os-da diu catawhy ; and

The Epistle Dedicatorie.

7

all the recompence I can make thee for being, like a chan-
cery declaration, fo tiring troublefome unto thee, is this : if
thou wilt have the dodlour for an anatomie, thou fhalt ; doo
but fpeake the word, and I am the man will deliver him
to thee to be fcotcht and carbonadoed, but in anie cafe
fpeake quickly, for heere he lies at the laft gafpe of furren-
dering all his credit and reputation.

Thy Frend Tho. Nashe,
if thoit beeft foe , Dick, to
all the generation of
the Harveys.

d

To all Chriflian Readers , to whom thefe Presents
/hall come.

ELL faid, my matters ! I perceyve there cannot a new

booke come forth but you will have a fling at it. Say,
what are you reading? Najhe againft Harvey. Fo! that’s
a ftale jeaft ; hee hath been this two or three yeare about it.
O! good brother Timothie , rule your reafon ; the miller
gryndes more mens corne than one, and thofe that refo-
lutely goe through with anie quarrell, mutt fet all their
worldly buflnes at a ftay, before they draw it to the poynt.
I will not gainfay but I have cherifht a purpofe of perfe-
cting this Liff-lander Bogarian fo long time as ye fpeak
of ; and that like the long fnouted beaft (whofe backe is
cattle proofe) carrying her yong in her wombe three yere
ere fhe be delivered, I have been big with childe of a com-
mon place of revenge, ever flnce the hanging of Lopns\ but
to fay I plodded upon it continually, and ufed in all this
fpace nothing but gall to make inke with, is a lye befitting
a bafe fwabberly lowfie failer, who having been never but a
month at fea in his life, and duckt at the maine yards arme
twice or thrice for pilferie, when hee comes home fweares
hee hath been feventeene yeares in the Turkes gallies.

Patientia vejira , there is not one pint of wine, more than
the juft bill of cofts and charges in fetting forth, to be got
by anie of thefe bitter-fauced invedtives. Some foolifh praife
perhaps we may meete with, fuch as is affoorded to ordi-
narie jefters that make fport, but otherwife we are like
thofe fugitive priefts in Spaine and Portugall, whom the

To the Reader.

19

Pope (verie liberally) prefers to Irifh Bishoprickes, but
allowes them not a pennie of anie living to maintaine them
with, fave onely certaine friers to beg for them.

High titles (as they of bishops and prelates, fo of poets
and writers) we have in the world, when, in ftead of their
begging friers, the fire of our wit is left as our onely laft
refuge to warme us.

Harvey and I (a couple of beggers) take upon us to
bandie factions, and contend like the Urjlni and Coloni in
Roome , or as the Turkes and Perjians about Mahomet and
Mortus Alii , which should bee the greateft ; and (with the
Indians ) head our inventions arrowes with vipers teeth,
and fteep them in the bloud of adders and ferpents, and
fpend as much time in arguing pro and contra , as a man
might have found out the quadrature of the circle in, when
all the controverfie is no more but this : he began with
mee, and cannot tell how to make an end ; and I would
faine end or rid my hands of him, if he had not firft begun.

I proteft I doo not write againft him becaufe I hate him ;
but that I would confirme and plainly shew, to a number of
weake beleevers in my fufficiencie, that I am able to anfwere
him : and his frends, and not his enemies, let him thanke
for this heavie load of difgrace I lay upon him, fince theyr
extreame difabling of mee in this kinde, and urging what a
triumph he had over me, hath made me to ranfacke my
ftandish more than I would.

This I will boldly fay : looke how long it is fince he writ
againft me, fo long have I given him a leafe of his life, and
he hath onely held it by my mercie.

His Booke, or Magna Charta , which againft M. Lilly and
me he addreft, I having kept idle by me, in a by fettle out
of fight ainongft old shooes and bootes, altnoft this two

20

To the Reader.

yere, and in meere pitie of him would never looke upon it
but in fome calme pleating humor, for feare leaft, in my
melancholy, too cruelly I should have martyrd him.

And yet, though vengeance comes not Zephiris and
hirnndine prima , in the firft fpringing prime of his fchifme
and herefie, let him not looke for one of frier Tecelius par-
dons, he that (as Sleidane reports) firft ftird up Luther ,
pronouncing from the Pope free falarie indulgence to anie
man, though he had deflowred the Virgine Mary , and ab-
folution as well for finnes paft as finnes to come ; for I
meane to come upon him with a tempeft of thunder and
lightning, worfe than the ftormes in the Weft Indies cald
the Furicanoes , and compleate arme more words for his
confufion, than Wezell in Germanie is able to arme men,
that hath abfolute furniture for three hundred thoufand at
all times.

Gentlemen, what think ye of this fober mortified ftile ? I
dare fay a number of ye have drawn it to a verdit alredie ;
and as an elephants forelegs are longer than his hinder,
fo you imagine my former confutation wilbe better than
my latter. Nay, then, A efopum non attriviftis ; you are as
ignorant in the true movings of my mufe as the aftronomers
are in the true movings of Mars , which to this day they
could never attaine too. For how ever, in the firft fetting
foorth, I martch faire and foftly, like a man that rides upon
his owne horfe, and like the Caspian fea feeme neither to
ebbe nor flow, but keep a fmooth plain forme in my elo-
quence, as one of the Lacedemonian Ephori , or Baldwin in
his Morrall Sentences (which now are all fnatcht up for
painters pofies) yet you shall fee me, in two or three leaves
hence, crie, Heigh for our towne greene ! and powre hot
boyling inkeon this contemptible heggledepegs barraiti fcalp,

To the Reader.

21

as men condemned for ftealing by Richard de corde Lions
law, had hot boyling pitch povvrd on their heads, and
feathers ftrewd uppon, that wherefoever they came they
might be knowne.

T know I am too long in preparing an entrance into my
text ,fed tandem denique to the matter and the purpofe.

The method I meane to ufe, in perfecuting this Peter
Malvenda and Sinibaldo Crajko , is no more but this.

Memorandum , I frame my whole Booke in the nature of
a dialogue, much like Bullen and his dodtor Tocrub , whereof
the Interlocuters are thefe :

Inprimis , Senior Importunio , the Opponent.

The fecond, Grand Conjiliadore , chiefe Cenfor or Mo-
derator.

The third, Domino Bentivole ; one that ftands, as it were,
at the line in a tennis-court, and takes everie ball at the
volly.

The fourth, Don Carneades de boone Compagniola , who like
a bufie countrey juftice fits on the Bench, and preacheth to
theeves out of their own confeffions : or rather, like a quarter-
mafter or treafurer of Bride-well, whofe office is to give fo
manie ftrokes with the hammer, as the publican unchaft
offender is to have ftripes, and by the fame Tuballs mufique
to warne the blue-coate corredlor when he fhould patience
and furceafe : fo continually, when by Senior Importunio
the dodlor is brought to the croffe, Don Carneades fets downe
what proportion of juftice is to be executed upon him, and,
when his backe hath bled fufficient, gives a fignall of re-
trayt.

Neither would I have you imagine that all thefe perfon-
ages are fained, like A mericke Vefputius , and the reft of the
Antwerpe fpeakers in Sir Thomas Mores Utopia: for, as

22

To the Reader.

true as Bankes his horfe knowes a Spaniard from an Eng-
lifhman, or there went up one and twentie maides to the
top of Bofton Steeple, and there came but one downe
againe, fo true it is that there are men which have dealt
with me in the fame humour that heere I fhaddow. In
fome nooke or blind angle of the Black-Friers you may
fuppofe (if you will) this honeft conference to bee held, after
the fame manner that one of of thefe Italionate conferences
about a divcll is wont folemnly to be handled ; which is,
when a man, being fpecially toucht in reputation, or chal-
lenged to the field upon equal tearmes, calls all his frends
together, and afkes them their advice how he fhould carrie
felfe in the adtion.

Him that I tearme Senior Importunio is a gentleman of
good qualitie, to whom I reft manie waies beholding, and
one (as the philofophers fay of winde, that it is nothing but
aire vehemently moov’d) fo hath hee never ceaft, with all the
vehemence of winde or breath that he hath, to incite and
moove me to win my fpurres in this journey.

Under Grand Confiliadore, I allude to a grave reverend
Gimnofophift ( Amicorum amicifjimus , of all my frends the
molt zealous) that as Aefculapius built an oracle of the
funne at Athens , fo is his chamber an oracle or convocation
chappell of found counfaile, for all the better fort of the
fonnes of underftanding about London , and (as it were; an
ufuall market of good fellowfhip and conference.

Hee alfo (as well as Senior Importunio ) hath dealt with
me verie importunately, to employ all my forces in this
expedition, and as Hippocrates preferved the Citie of Coos
from a great plague or mortalitie (generally difperfed
throughout Greece ) by perfwading them to kindle fires in
publique places, whereby the aire might be purified ; fo

To the Reader .

23

hath hee (in moft fervent devotion to my well dooing) un-
ceffantly perfwaded me to preferve my credit from jadifh
dying of the /cratches, by powerfull through enkindling this
P inego Riminos everlafting fire of damnation.

For Domino Bentivole and Don Carneades de bonne com-
pagniola , they be men that have as full fhares in my love
and affedtion as the former.

The antecedent of the two, befides true refolution and
valure (wherewith he hath ennobled his name extraordi-
narie) and a ripe pleafant wit in converting, hath in him a
perfect unchangeable true habit of honeftie, imitating the
arte of mufique, which the profeffours thereof affirme to be
infinite and without end.

And for the fubfequent or hindermoft of the paire, who
likewife is none of the unworthieft retainers to Madame
Bellona , hee is another Florentine Poggius for mirthfull
fportive conceit and quick invention, ignem faciens ex lapide
nigvo , (which Munfter in his Cofmography alledgeth for the
greateft wonder of England ) that is, wrefting delight out of
aniething. And this over and above I will give in evidence
for his praife, that though all the ancient records and pre-
fidents of ingenuous apothegs and emblemes were burnt,
(as Polidore Virgill in King Harry the Eights time burnt
all the ancient records of the true beginning of this our
He, after hee had finifhed his chronicle) yet out of his
affluent capacitie they were to be renewed and re-edified
farre better.

Thefe foure with myfelfe, whom I perfonate as the re-
fpondent in the last place, fhall (according as God wil give
them grace) clap up a Colloquium amongft them, and fo
fchoole my gentle comrade , or neighbor, Quiquijfe in fome
few fhort principles of my learning and induftrie, that

24

To the Reader.

(I doubt not) by that time they have concluded and dif-
patcht, with him, my Gorboduck H2iddle-duddle will gladly
(on his knees) refigne to mee his dodtourfhip ; and as Anti -
sthenes could not beate Diogenes away from him, but he
would needes be his fcholler whether he would or no, fo
fhall I have him haunt me up and downe to be my pren-
tife to learne to endite, and, doo what I can, I fhall not be
fhut of him.

This is once ; I both can and wilbe fhut prefently of this
tedious chapter of contents, leaft, whereas I prepared it as
an antipaft to whet your ftomaks, it cleane take away your
ftomackes, and you furfet of it before meate come : where-
fore, onely giving you this one caveat to obferve in reading
my booke, which A riftotle prefcribes to them that read hif-
tories, namely, that they bee not nimis credulos aut incre-
dulos , too rafh or too flow of beleefe; and earneftly com-
mending me to Qui cytharum nervis , et nervis temperat
arcum, the melodious God of Gam ut are , that is life and
finnewes in everie thing ; as alfo to Jones ancient truftie
Roger , frifking come aloft fprightly Mercury , that hath
wings for his mouftachies, wings for his ey-browes/ wings
growing out of his chinne like a thorough haire, wings at
his armes, like a fooles coate with foure elbowes, wings for
his riding bafes, wings at his heeles in ftead of fpurres, and
is true Prince of Wingan-decoy in everie thing, and defiring
him to infpire my pen with fome of his nimbleft Pomados
and Sommerfets, and be ftill clofe at my elbow, fince now
I have more ufe of him than Alchumifts, in love and cha-
ritie I take my leave of you all, at leaft of all fuch as heere
meane to leave and read no further, and haft to the launch-
ing forth of my Dialogue.

HAVE WITH YOU TO SAFFRON-
WALDEN.

DIALOGUS.

Interlocutores , Senior Importuno , Grand Conjiliadore , Do-
mino Bentivohy Don Carneades de bonne compagniolay
Piers Pennileffe Refpondent.

Importuno.

HAT, Tom! thou art very welcome. Where haft thou

bin this long time ; walking in Saint Faiths church
under ground, that wee never could fee thee ? Or haft thou
tooke thee a chamber in Cole-harbour , where they live in a
continuall myft betwixt two brew-houfes ?

Conjili. Indeed, we have mift you a great while, as well
fpiritually as corporally ; that is, no leffe in the abfence of
your workes, than the want of your companie : but now, I
hope, by your prefence you will fully fatisfie us in either.

Bentivole. Nay, I would he would but fully fatisfie and
paye one, which is the dodlor ; for this I can affure him, he
is run farre in arrearages with expedlation, and to recover
himfelfe it wilbe verie hard, except hee put twice dubble as
much aqua fortis in his inke as he did before.

Carnead. No aqua fortis , if you love me, for it almoft
poyfoned and fpoyled the fafhion of Stones the fooles nofe ;
and would you have it be the deftrudlion and defolation of

E

26

Have with you

a do6tor foole now ? What ! content your felfe : a meffe of
Tewksbury muftard, or a dramme and a halfe of Tower-hill
vineger, will feeme a high feftivall banquet, and make a
famous coronation fhew on this forlorne civilians hungry
table.

Impor. Tufh, tufh ! you are all for jeft, and make him be
more careles of his credit than he would be, by thus con-
temning and debafing his adverfarie. Will you heare what
is the united voyce and opinion abroad ? Confidently they
fay, he is not able to anfwere him, he hath deferd it fo long ;
and if he doo anfwere him, howfoever it be, it is nothing
fince hee hath been a whole age about it, though I, for mine
owne part, know the contrarie, and will engage my oath for
him (if need be) that the moft of this time they thinke him
hovering over the neaft, he hath fat hatching of nothing but
toies for private gentlemen, and negle6ted the peculiar bufines
of his reputation, that fo deeply concerne him, to follow vaine
hopes and had I wift humours about Court, that make him
goe in a thred-bare cloake, and fcarce pay for boat hire.
Often enough I told him of this, if he would have beleevd me;
but at length I am fure he Andes it, and repents it all too late.
In no companie I can come, but everie minute of an howre
(becaufe they have taken fpeciall notice of my love towards
him) they ftill will be tormenting me with one queftion or
another, of what he is about, what meanes he to be thus
retchles of his fame ? or whether I am fure thofe things
which are paft under his name heretofore were of his owne
dooing ? or to get an opinion of wit hee ufed fome other
mans helpe under hande, that now hath utterly given him
over and forfaken him ? whether he be dead or no, or for-
bidden to write ? or in regard he hath publifht a treatife in

to Saffron- Walden.

27

divinitie makes a confcience to meddle any more in thefe
controverfies ? with a thoufand other like idle interroga-
tories : whereto I anfwere nothing elfe, but that he is idle
and new fangled, beginning many things but foone wearie
of them ere hee be halfe entred ; and that hee hath too
much acquaintance in London ever to doo any good, being
like a curtezan that can deny no man, or a grave common-
wealths fenatour that thinkes he is not borne for himfelfe
alone ; but as old Laertes in Homers Odiffcea , Dnm reliqua
omnia curabat , feipfnm negligebat , caring for all other things
elfe, fets his owne eftate at fixe and feaven. Judge you,
whom he takes for his belt friends, what the end of this will
be. A difgraced and condemned man he lives whiles Harvey
thus lives unanfwered, worfe than he that hath peaceably
and quietly put up an hundred baftinadoes, or fuffred his
face to be made a continual common wall for men to fpit
on. Spittle may be wip’t off, and the print of a broken pate,
or brufe with a cudgell quickly made whole and worne out
of mens memories ; but to be a villaine in print, or to be
imprinted at London the reprobated; villaine that ever went
on two legs, for fuch is Gabrieli Scurveies (as in thy other
booke thou termft him) his witles malicious teftimony of
thee, with other more rafcally hedge rak’t up termes, familiar
to none but roguifh morts and doxes, is an attainder that
will fticke by thee for ever. A blot of ignominie it is, which
though this age or, at the utmoft, fuch in this age as have
converft or are acquainted with thee, hold light and ridicu-
lous, and no more but as a bulls roaring and bellowing, and
running home mad at every one in his way, when he is
wounded by the dogges, and almoft bayted to death ; yet
there is an age to come, which, knowing neither thee nor

28

Have with you

him, but by your feverall workes judging of either, will
authorife all hee hath belched forth in thy reproach for
found Gofpell ; fince as the proverbe is, qui tacet confentire
videtur , thou holding thy peace, and not confuting him,
feemes to confeffe and confirme all whereof hee hath accufed
thee, and the innocent, unheard, doo perifh as guilty. De-
ceive not thy felfe with the bad fale of his bookes; for though
in no other mans handes, yet in his owne defke they may
bee founde after his death, whereby, while printing lafts, thy
difgrace may laft, and the printer (whofe copie it is) may
leave thy infamie in legacie to his heyres, and his heyres to
their next heyres, fucceffively to the thirteenth and four-
teenth generation, cum privilegio , forbidding all other to
print thofe lewd lying recordes of thy fcandall and con-
tumely, but the lineall offspring of their race in fempiternum.
Haft thou not heard howe Orpheus wrote in the 2700 age
of the world, whereas it is now 5596, and yet his memorie
is frefh, his verfes are extant, whereas all the kings, that
raignd and furvivde at that time, have not fo much as the
firft letter of their names to pofterity commended : the very
fame is thy cafe with thofe in Germanie , which being ex-
ecuted are never buried. Confider and deliberate well of
it, and if it worke not effectually with thee I know not what
will. Neither, if thou beeft fo fenceleffe that thou wilt not
let it finke into thee, doo I hold thee worthy to be any
thing but the finke of contempt, to be excluded out of all
men of worths companies, and counted the abjeCt fcumme
of all poets and ballet-makers.

Refpond. So, you have faid, fir. Now, let mee have my
turne another-while, to counterbuffe and beate backe all
thofe overthwart blowes wherewith you have charged me.

to Saffron- Walden .

29

Benti. No reafon to the contrarie ; but in any cafe be not
chollerick, fince the moft of thofe fpeeches he hath uttred
my owne eares can witneffe to bee true, when as at divers
great meetings, and chiefe ordinaries, I have, champion-like,
tooke thy part, and every one obje6ted and articled againft
thee, much after the fame forme he hath expreffed.

Refpond. Will you have patience, and you fhall heare me
expreffely and roundly give him his quietus ejl? To the
firft, wherein he concludes I am not able to anfwere him
becaufe I have deferd it fo long, I anfwere that it followes
not, in fo much as many men, that are able to pay their
debts, doo not alwaies difcharge and pay them prefently at
one pufh ; and fecondly, or to the fecond lye, where he
fayth, and I doo anfwere him it is nothing, fince I have beene
a whole age about it, if I lift, I could prove his affertion to
bee under age : but that’s all one ; I am content my witte
fhould take uppon it antiquitie this once ,* and nothing elfe
in my defence I will alledge, but veritas temporis filia, it is
onely time that revealeth all things : wherefore, though in
as fhort time as a man may learne to run at tilt, I could
have gone thorough with invention inough to have run him
thorough and confounded him, yet I muft have fome further
time to get perfe<5l intelligence of his life and converfation,
one true point whereof, well fet downe, wil more excruciate
and commacerate him, than knocking him about the eares
with his owne ftile in a hundred fheetes of paper. And
this let me informe the jury over and above, that age is no
argument to make anie thing ill ; and though graybeard
drumbling over a difcourfe be no crime I am fubje6t too,
yet in the behalfe of the crazed wits of that ftamp, I will
uphold that it is no upright conclufion to fay whatfoever is

30

Have with you

long laboured is lowfie and not worth a ftraw ; fince by that
reafon you might conclude Dianas temple at Ephefus to
have been a ftinking dove-cote or a hog-fty, becaufe it was
220 yere in building by the Amazons. Anie time this 17
yere my adverfary, Frigius Pedagogus , hath laid wafte
paper in pickle, and publifht fome rags of treatifes againft
Mafter Lilly and mee, which I will juftifie have lyne by him
ever fince the great matches of bowling and fhooting on
the Thames upon the yce. But, for my part, trie mee who
will, and let anie man but finde mee meate and drinke, with
the appurtenances, while I am playing the paper ftainer,
and fifhing for pearle in the bottome of my tar-boxe, and
but free me from thofe outward encumbrances of cares that
over-whelme mee, and let this paraliticke quackfalver fill
ten thoufand tunnes with fcelerata Jinapis , fhrewifh fnappifh
muftard, as Platitus calls it, or botch and cobble up as
manie volumes as he can betwixt this and domefday, and
he fhall fee I will have everie one of them in the nofe ftraight,
and give as fuddaine extemporall anfweres, as Pope Sil-
vefters or Frier Bacons brazen head, which he would have
fet up on the Plain of Salsbury. As touching the vain
hopes, and had I wift court humours, which you fay I follow,
there is no husbandman but tills and fowes in hope of a
good crop, though manie times hee is deluded with a bad
harveft Court humours, like cutting of haire, muft either
bee obferved when the moone is new or in the full, or elfe
no man will have his hands full that gleanes after them.
Not unlikely it is they fo queftion you about the caufe of
my long ftay, and their wits being dull, frozen, and halfe
dead for want of matter of delight, (whereof Poides Church-
yard was never worfe fuelled) like thofe in Florida or divers

to Saffron- Walden.

3i

countreyes of the negroes, that kindle fire by rubbing two
fticks one againft another, fo, to recreate and enkindle their
decayed fpirits, they care not how they fet Harvey and mee
on fire one againft another, or whet us on to confume our
felves. But this cock fight once paft, I vow to turne a new
leafe, and take another order with them, refolving to take
up for the word, or motto , of my patience, Perdere poffe fat
eft , it is enough that it is in my power to call a feffions and
truffe him up when I lift ; concluding with the Poet, Dum
defint hoftes , deft quoque caufa triumphi , as long as we have
no enemies to trouble us, it is no matter for anie triumphs
or bonfires : and as it was faide of the Blacke Princes foul-
diers, that they car’d for no fpoyle but gold and filver, or
feathers, fo ever after I will care for no conqueft or vi6torie,
which carries not with it a prefent rich poffibilitie of rayfing
my decayed fortunes, and cavalier flourifhing with a feather
in my cappe (hey gallanta!) in the face of envie and generall
worlds opinion. As newfangled and idle, and proftituting
my pen like a curtizan, is the next item that you taxe me
with ; well, it may and it may not bee fo, for neither will I
deny it nor will I grant it : onely thus farre He goe with
you, that twice or thrife in a month, when res eft angufta
domi, the bottome of my purfe is turnd downeward, and
my conduit of incke will no longer flowe for want of repa-
rations, I am faine to let my plow ftand ftill in the midft of
a furrow, and follow fome of thefe newfangled Gallardos,
and Senior Fantafticos , to whofe amorous Villanellas and
Quipaffas , I proftitute my pen in hope of gaine : but other-
wife there is no newfanglenes in mee but povertie, which
alone maketh mee fo unconftant to my determined ftudies ;
nor idleneffe, more then difcontented idle trudging from place

32

Have zvith you

to place, too and fro, and profecuting the meanes to keep
mee from idleneffe. My Do6tor Vanderhulk, peradventure,
out of this my indigent confeffion may take occafion to work
piteoufly : it is no matter, I care not, for many a faire day
agoe have I proclaimed my felfe to the worlde Piers Penni-
leffe , and fufficient petigrees can I fhewe to proove him my
elder brother. What more remaineth behinde of the con-
demned eftate I ftand in, till this Domine Dewf e-ace be con-
fwapped, and fent with a paire of new fhooes on his feete,
and a fcrowle in his hand to Saint Peter , like a Ruffian when
he is buried; as alfo of the immortality of the print, and how,
though not this age, yet another age three yeares after the
building up the top of Powles fteeple, may baffull and in-
famize my name when I am in heaven, and fhall never
feele it, in foure words I will defeate and lay defolate. For-
footh (bee it knowne unto you) I have provided harping
yrons to catch this great whale ; and this Gobin a grace ap
Hannikin , by Gods grace, fhall be met and combatted. Yet
this I muft tell you, Sir, in the way of friendfhip twixt you
and mee, your grave fatherly forecafting foreafmuches , and
urging of pofteritie, and after ages whofe cradle-makers are
not yet begot, that they may doo this, and they may do
that, is a ftale imitation of this heathen Gregorie Huldricke ,
my antigonift. And thus, I truft, all reckonings are even
twixt you and mee.

Impor. Nay, I promife thee, thou haft given me my paf-
port ; and I know not what to fay now thou fayft he fhall
be anfwerd.

Benti. I am very glad, for thy credits fake, that thou
perfeverft in that purpofe, but more glad would I bee to fee
it abroad and publifht.

to Saffron- Walden.

33

Refp. Content your felfe, fo you fhall ; although it hath
gone abroad with his keeper any time this quarter of this
yeare ; but as profounde a reafon as any I have alleag’d yet,
of the long ftay and keeping it backe, was, that 1 might
fulfill that olde, olde verfe in Ovid , Ad met am proper ate Jininl
time plena volnptas ; as much to fay as march together
merrily, and then there will be lufty dooings and found
fport : fo did I ftay for fome company to march with mee,
that wee might have made round worke, and gone thorough
ftitch; but fmee all this while they come not forwarde ac-
cording to promife, but breake their daye, as the king of
Spaine did with Sebastian king of Portugall about his
meeting him at Guandulopeia , when they fhould have gone
together to the battaile of Alcazar , verah diabolo Saint
George ! and a tickling pipe of tobacco , and then pell mell,
all alone have amongft them, if there were ten thoufand of
them.

Cam. Faith, well faid ! I perceive thou fearft no colours.

Refp. Whatfoever I feare, He force Jenkin Hcyderry
derry both to feare and beare my colours, and fuite his
cheekes (if there be one pimple of fhame in them) in a per-
fecter red than anie Venice dye.

Consil. Vengeance on that unluckie dye! may hee crie,
like a fwearing fhredded gamefter, that loofeth at one fet
all that ever he is worth. But I prythee (in honeftie) if
thou haft anie of the papers of thy booke about thee, fhew
us fome of them that, like a great inqueft, we may deliver
our verdit before it come to the Omnigatherum of towne
and countrey.

Respon. Then gather your felves together in a ring ; and,
Grand Consiliadore , be you the grand commander of filence

F

34

Have with you

(which is a chiefe office in the emperour of Ruffiaes court),
for heere it is in my fleeve that will beflive him : yet, if I be
not deceived, fome part of the Epiftle I have read to you
heretofore.

Import. I, to the barber : fuch a thing I well remember ;
but what barber it was, or where he dwelt, diredlly thou
never toldft us.

Refpon. Yes ; that I have both towld and bookt him to :
nevertheles (for your better underftanding) know it is one
Dick Litchfield, the Barber of Trinity Colledge , a rare inge-
nuous odde merry Greeke, who (as I have heard) hath
tranflated my Piers Pennileffe into the Macaronicall tongue ;
wherein I wifh hee had been more tongue-tide, fince, in
fome mens incenfed judgements, it hath too much tongue
alreadie, being above 2 yeres fince maimedly tranflated
into the French tongue ; and in the Englifh tongue fo raf-
cally printed and ill interpreted, as heart can thinke, or
tongue can tell. But I cannot tell how it is growen to a
common fafhion amongft a number of our common ill
livers, that whatfoever tongue (like a fpaniels tongue) doth
not licke their aged foares and fawne on them, they con-
clude it to be an adders tongue to fting them : and wheras
wittie Aefope did buy up all the tongues in the market hee
could fpie, as the belt meate hee efteemed of, they (by all
meanes poffible), even out of the buckles of theyr girdles,
labor to plucke forth the tongs, for feare they fhould plucke
in their unfasiate greedie paunches too ftraight.

Cam. O peace, peace ! exercife thy writing tongue, and
let us have no more of this plaine Englifh.

Refp. With a good will, agreed ; and, like Mahomets
angels in the Alcheron , that are faid to have eares ftretch-

to Saffron- Walden. 35

in g from one end of heaven to the other, let your attention
be indefinite and without end, for thus I begin.

Mafcula virorum, Saint Mildred and Saint Agapite! more
letters yet from the dodtor ? nay then, we fhall be fure to
have a whole Gravefend barge full of newes, and heare
foundly of all matters on both eares. Out uppon it ! heere’s
a packet of epiftling, as bigge as a packe of woollen cloth,
or a ftack of falt-fifh. Carrier, didft thou bring it by wayne,
or on horfe-backe ? By wayne, Sir ; and it hath crackt me
three axeltrees, wherefore I hope you will confider me the
more. Heavie newes, heavie newes ! take them againe, I
will never open them. Ah ! quoth he (deepe fighing) to mee,
I wot, they are the heavieft, whofe cart hath cryde creake
under them fortie times everie furlong : wherefore, if you
bee a good man, rather make mud walls with them, mend
high wayes, or damme up quagmires with them, than thus
they fhuld endammage mee to my eternall undooing. — I,
hearing the fellow fo forlorne and out of comfort with his
luggage, gave him his Charons Naulum , or ferry three half
pence, and fo difmift him to go to the place from whence
he came, and play at Lodmn. But when I came to unrip
and unbumbaft this Gargantuan bag-pudding, and found
nothing in it but dogs-tripes, fwines livers, oxe galls, and
fheepes gutts, I was in a bitterer chafe than anie cooke at
a long fermon when his meate burnes. Doo the philo-
fophers (faid I to my felfe) hold that letters are no burden,
and the lighteft and eafieft houshold ftufife a man can re-
moove ? lie be fworne upon Anthonie Guevaras golden
epiftles, if they will, there’s not fo much toyle in remooving
the hedge from a towne, as in taking an inventorie furvay
of anie one of them. Letters doo you terme them ? they may

36

Have with you

be letters patents well enough for their tedioufnes, for no
ledture at Surgeons Hall uppon an anatomie may compare
with them in longitude. Why, they are longer than the
Statutes of Clothing, or the Charter of London. Will ye have
the fimple truth, without anie devices or playing upon it ?
Gabrieli Harvey , my ftale gull, and the onely pure Orator
in fenfeles riddles, or Packjlomfme , that ever this our litle
hired or feparate angle of the world fuckled up, not content
to have the naked fcalp of his credit new covered with a
falfe periwig of commendations, and fo returne to his fathers
houfe in peace, and there fuftaine his hungry bodie with
wythred fcallions and greene cheefe, hath fince that time
deepely forfworne himfelf in an arbitrement of peace ; and,
after the ancient cuftome of Scottifh amitie, unawares pro-
claimed open warres a frefh in a whole Alexandrian librarie
of wafte paper. Piers his Supererogation , or Najhes Saint
Fame , pretely and quirkingly he chriftens it; and yet not
fo much to quirke or croffe me thereby, as to bleffe himfelfe
and make his booke fell, did hee give it that title ; for
having found, by much fhipwrackt experience, that no worke
of his, abfolute under hys owne name, would paffe, he ufed
heretofore to drawe Sir Philip Sydney, Majler Spencer, and
other men of higheft credit, into everie pild pamphlet he fet
foorth ; and now that he can no longer march under their
enfignes, (from which I have utterly chac’d him in my Foure
Letters intercepted) he takes a new leffon out of Plutarch, in
making benefit of his enemie, and borrows my name, and
the name of Piers Pennileffe (one of my bookes), which he
knew to be moft faleable, (paffing at the leaft through the
pikes of fixe impreffions) to helpe his bedred ftufife to limpe
out of Powles Churchyard, that elfe would have laine un-
reprivably fpittled at the chandlers. Such a huge drifat of

to Saffron- Walden.

37

duncerie it is he hath dungd up againft me, as was never
feene fince the raigne of Averrois. 0 ! tis an unconfcionable
vaft gorbellied volume, bigger bulkt than a Dutch hoy, and
farre more boyftrous and cumberfome than a payre of
Swifsers omnipotent galeaze breeches. But, it fhuld feeme,
he is afham’d of the incomprehenfible corpulencie thereof
himfelfe ; for at the ende of the 199 page, hee beginnes with
one 100 againe, to make it feeme little (if I lye you may
look and convince mee), and in halfe a quire of paper
befides hath left the pages unfigured. I have read that the
giant Antceus fhield afkt a whole elephants hyde to cover
it : bona fide I utter it, fcarce a whole elephants hyde and a
half would ferve for a cover to this Gogmagog \ Jewifh
TJialmud of abfurdities. Nay, give the divell his due, and
there an ende : the giant that Magellan found at Caput
Sanrice Crucis, or Saint Chriftophers pidlure at Antwerpe, or
the monftrous images of Sefoftres , or the Aegiptian Raffi-
nates , are but dwarffes in comparifon of it. But one epiftle
thereof, to John Wolfe the printer, I tooke and weighed in
an ironmongers fcales, and it counterpoyfeth a cade of
herring, and three Holland cheefes ! You may beleeve me
if you will, I was faine to lift my chamber doore off the
hindges, onely to let it in, it was fo fulfome a fat Bonarobe
and terrible Rouncevall. Once I thought to have cald in a
cooper, that went by and cald for worke, and bid him hoope
it about like the tree at Grays-Inne gate, for feare it fhould
burft, it was fo beaffly ; but then I remembred mee, the
boyes had whoopt it fufficiently about the ftreetes, and fo
I let it alone for that inftant. Credibly it was once rumord
about the Court, that the guard meant to trie mafteries
with it before the Queene, and in ftead of throwing the
fledge or the hammer, to hurle it foorth at the armes ende

3«

Have with you

for a wager. I, I, everie one maye hammer upon it as they
pleafe, but if they will hit the nayle on the head pat, as they
fhould, to nothing fo aptly can they compare it as Africke ,
which being an unbounded ftretcht out continent, equivalent
in greatnes with moft quarters of the earth, yet nevertheles
is '(for the moft part) over-fpred with barraine fands : fo
this his Babilonian towre, or tome of confutation, fwelling in
dimenfion and magnitude, above all the prodigious com-
mentaries and familiar epiftles that ever he wrote, is, not-
withftanding, more drie, barraine, and fandie in fubftance
than them all. Perufe but the ballet, In Sandon foyle as
late befell , and you will be more foundly edified by fixe
parts : fixe and thirtie fheetes it comprehendeth, which
with him is but fixe and thirtie full points ; for he makes
no more difference twixt a fheete of paper and a full point,
than there is twixt two blacke puddings for a pennie, and
a pennie for a paire of blacke puddings. Foule evill goe
with it ! I wonder you will prate and tattle of fixe and thirtie
full points, fo compendioufiy truft up (as may bee) in fixe
and thirtie fheetes of paper, when as thofe are but the
fhorteft proverbs of his wit ; for he never bids a man good
morrow, but he makes a fpeach as long as a proclamation ;
nor drinkes to anie, but he reads a lecture of three howers
long De Arte bibendi. O ! tis a precious apothegmaticall
pedant, who will finde matter inough to dilate a whole daye
of the firft invention of Fy} fo , fum> I fmell the bloud of an
Englifh-man ; and if hee had a thoufand pound, hee hath
vowd to confume it everie doyt, to difcover and fearch foorth
certaine rare mathematicall experimentes ; as for example,
that of tying a flea in a chaine, (put in the laft edition of
the great Chronicle) which if by anie induftrie hee could
atchieve, his owne name beeing fo generally odious through-

to Saffron- Walden.

39

out Kent and Chriitendome, hee would prefently transforme
and metamorphize it from dodlour Harvey to dodlour Ty ,
(of which ftile there was a famous mufition fome few yeres
fince) refolving, as the laft caft of his maintenaunce, alto-
gether to live by carrying that flea, like a monfter, up and
downe the countrey ; teaching it to doo trickes, Hey come
aloft, Jack ! like an ape over the chaine. If you would have
a flea for the nonce, that you might keepe for a breeder,
why this were a ftately flea indeede to get a brave race of
fleas on : your fly in a boxe is but a drumble-bee in com-
parifon of it : with no expence at all (on your chin like a
witches familiar) you might feed it, and let the chaine hang
downe on your breaft, like a ftale, greafle courtiers chaine,
with one ftrop. Alacke and weladay ! too, too inconfider-
ately advifed was this our poeticall Gabrieli , when, hexame-
terly entranced, he cride out,

O bleffed health , blefsed wealthy and blefsed abundance !

O that I had thefc three for the lofse of 30 Commenfments !

When he fhould have exclaimd,

O that I had this flea for the lofse of 30 Commenfments !

Peradventure, he thinkes thus llightly to fteale away with
a flea in his eare, but I muft flea his affes fkin over his eares
a little handfomer, ere wee part. Thofe that bee fo difpofed
to take a view of him, ere hee bee come to the full Mid-
fommer Moone, and raging calentura of his wretchednes,
here let them behold his lively counterfet and portraiture ;
not in the pantofles of his profperitie, as he was when he
libeld againft my Lord of Oxfordy but in the fingle-foald
pumpes of his adverfltie, with his gowne caft off, untruffmg,

40

Have with you

Painters
sharp hand-
ling.

and readie to beray himfelfe upon the newes of the going
in hand of my booke.

If you afke why I have

The picture of Gabrieli Ilarvey as he pUt; jn round hofe, that

is readie to let fly upon Ajax.

ufually weares Venetians ?
it is becaufe I would make
him looke more dapper and
plump and round upon it,
wheras otherwife he looks
like a cafe of tooth-pikes, or
a lute pin put in a fute of
apparell. Gaze uppon him
who lift, for, I tell you, I am
nor a little proud of my
workmanfhip, and, though I
fay it, I have handled it fo
neatly, and fo fprightly, and
withall ouzled, gidumbled,
muddled, and drizled it fo
finely, that I forbid ever a
Hanns Boll , Hanns Holbine ,
or Hanns Mullier of them all
(let them but play true with
the face) to amend it, or
come within fortie foote of it. Away, away ! Blockland ,
Truffer , Francis de Murre , and the whole generation of
them will fooner catch the murre and the pofe tenfcore
times, ere they doo a thing one quarter fo mafterly. Yea,
(without Kerry merry buffe be it fpoken) put a whole million
of Johannes Mabusiufses of them together, and they fhall
not handle their matters at sharpe fo handfomly as I.

Benti. From fharpe to come to the poynt : as farre as I

to Saffron - Walden.

4i

can learne, thou haft all the advantage of the quarell, fince
both the firft and laft fire-brand of diffention betwixt you
was toft by the Do6tour.

Ref pond. Toffing (by your favour) is proper to the fea ;•
and fo (like the fea) doth hee toffe water, and not fire.

Benti. That is toft, or caft water on fire : if hee did fo, he
is the wifer.

Refpon. On a fire of fea-cole, you meane, to make it
burne brighter.

Benti. A fire that the fea will coole, or Harvey find
water inough to quench, if you looke not too it the better.

Refpon. I warrant : take you no care ; He looke to his
water well inough.

Imp. But me thought even now thou contemndft him,
becaufe hee toft water and not fire ; whereas, in my judge-
ment, there is not a hairs difference betwixt being burnd
and being drownd, fince death is the beft of either, and the
paine of dying is not more tedious of the one than of the
other.

Refpon. O ! you muft not conclude fo defperate, for
everie toffing billow brings not death in the mouth of it :
befides, if the worft come to the worft, a good fwimmer
may doo much, whereas fire rapit omnia fecum, fweepeth
cleane where it feazeth.

Importun. I ; but have you not heard that broken peece
of a vearfe, Currenti cede furori ; give place to fire of furie,
and you fhall quickly fee it confume it felfe.

Refpon. A ftale puddings end ! by that reafon you may as
well come upon mee with Tempus edax rerum , quid non
confumitis anni ? As though there is anie thing fo eternall,
and permanent, that confumes and dies not after all his

G

42

Have with you

fire of life is fpent. For mee, I know I fhall live, and not
die, till I have digd the graves of all my enemies ; and that
the fire of my wit will not bee fpent, till (as amongft the
Samogetes and Chaldceans) I get it to be worfhipt as a god
of thofe whom it moft confounds : and as divers of the
Aethiopians curfe the funne when it rifeth, and worfhip it
when it fetteth, fo, however they curfe and raile upon mee
in the beginning, I will compell them to fall downe and
worfhip mee ere I ceafe or make an end ; crying upon their
knees Ponuloi nafhe , which is, in the Ruffian tongue, Have
mercie upon us! But I will not have mercie or be pacifide,
till I have left them fo miferable, that very horfes fhal
hardly abftaine from weeping for them, as they did for the
death of Ccefar ; and if they have but ever a dog that
lov’d them, he fhall die for griefe, to view his mafters in
that plight.

Consil. In anie cafe leave this big thunder of words,
wherein thou vainly fpendft thy fpirits, before the pufh of
the battaile ; and if thou haft anie fuch exhaled heat of re-
venge in the upper region of thy braine, let it lighten and
Hath prefently in thy adverfaries face, and not a farre off
threaten thus idely.

Refpon. Threaten idely, faid you ? Nay fure, lie performe
as much as hee that went about to make the dyving boate
twixt Dover and Callis ; and as lightning and thunder never
lightly goe afunder, fo in my ftile will I temper them both
togither, mixing thunder with lightning, and lightning
with thunder, that is, in dreadfull terror with ftripes, and
found thrufts with loud threats. Tell mee, have you a
minde to anie thing in the Dodtors Booke ? fpeake the
word, and I will helpe you to it upon the naile ; whether it
bee his words, his metaphors, his methode, his matter, his

to Saffron- Walden. 43

meeters. Make your choyce, for I meane to ufe you moft
ftately.

Cam. Then, good gentle frend (if you will) let’s have
halfe a dozen fpare-ribs of his rethorique, with tart fauce of
taunts correfpondent, a mightie chyne of his magnificenteft
elocution, and a whole furloyne of his fubftantialleft fen-
tences and fimiles.

Refp. And fhall : I am for you ; lie ferve you of the belt
you may affure your felfe : with a continuat tropologicall
fpeach I will aftonifh you, all to bee-fpiced and dredged
with fentences and allegories, not having a crum of any
coft beftowed upon it more than the doftors owne
cooquerie.

Import. Tropologicall ! O embotched and truculent ! No
French gowtie leg, with a gamafh upon it, is fo gotchie and
boyftrous.

Conji. It founds like the ten-fold ecchoing rebound of a
dubble cannon in the aire ; and is able to fpoyle anie little
mouth that offers to pronounce it.

Refp. Gentlemen, take God in your minde, and nere feare
you this word tropologicall, for it is one of Dick Harveys
fheepes trattells in his Lambe of God.

Imp. I, Dick Harveys , that may wel be ; for I never
heard there was more in him, than would hard and fcant
ferve him to make a collation ; but for the dodtor, trie it who
will, his ftile is not eafie to be matcht, being commended by
divers (of good judgement) for the beft that ere they read.

Refpond. Amongft the which number, is a red bearded
thrid-bare cavalier, who (in my hearing) at an ordinarie,
as he fat fumbling the dice after fupper, fell into thefe
tearmes (no talke before leading him to it) : There is fuch a

44

Have with you

Booke of Harveys (meaning this his laft booke againft mee)
as I am a fouldiour and a gentleman, I proteft I never met
with the like contrived pile of pure Englifh. O ! it is divine
and moft admirable, and fo farre beyond all that ever he
publifhed heretofore, as day-light beyond candle-light, or
tinfell or leafe-gold above arfedine; with a great many
more exceffive praifes he beftowed upon it : which authen-
tically I fhould have beleeved, if immediately upon the
nicke of it, I had not feene him fhrug his fhoulders, and
talk of going to the Bathe; and after, like a true Pandar (fo
much the fitter to be one of Gabriels patrons), grew in com-
mending, to yong gentlemen, two or three of the moft de-
tefled loathfom whores about London , for peereles beauteous
paragons, and the pleafingeft wenches in the world : wherby
I gueft, his judgement might be infe6ted as wel as his body;
and he that wold not flick fo to extoll fbale rotten lac’d
mutton, will, like a true Millanoys , fucke figges out of an
affes fundament, or doo anie thing. I more than halfe fuf-
pe6t thofe whom you preferre for the beft judgements are
of the fame ftampe ; or if they be not, I wil fet a new ftampe
on their judgments, having (to let them fee their dotage
and error, and what his ftile is they make fuch a miracle of)
mufterd together, in one galimafrie or fhort oration, moft of
the ridiculous fenfeles fentences, finicall, flaunting phrafes,
and termagant inkhorne tearmes throughout his booke, and
fram’d it in his owne praife and apologie, becaufe I would
cut his cloake with the wooll, though Lilly and Najhe never
fo cry Non placet thereat. Auditors ! awake your attention,
and here expe6t the cleare repurified foule of truth, without
the leaf! fhadow of fi£lion ; the unflattered picture of pe-
dantifme, that hath no one fmile or crinkle more than it

to Saffron- Walden.

45

fhould, for I deeply avow, on my faith and falvation, if he
were a dodtor of gold, here in his owne clothes he shal
appeare to you, and not fo much as a knot to his winding
sheete, or corner tip to the fmalleft felvage of his garments
I will infert; only a needle and thred to truffe up his trinkets
more roundly (uppon better advice) I am determined to
lend him, in hope it may be his thred of life, and even by
that fingle bountie dubble flitch him unto me to be my
devoted beadsman till death ; but not a pinnes head or a
moath’s pallet roome gets he of anie farther contribution.
Hem ! cleare your throates, and fpit foundly ; for now the
pageant begins, and the fluffe by whole cart-loads comes in.

An Oration, including most of the miscreated

WORDS AND SENTENCES IN THE DOCTORS BOOKE.

Renowmed and amicable Readers , from whom it is not
concealed ’ that Silence is a Jlave in a chaine , and the Pen the
hot /hot of the mufket.

Benti. Marke, marke ! a fentence, a fentence !

Orati.

That when the caitife planet raigneth , of Punical war
ther is no endy and of the counter-tenor of an offended firen,
no el a.

Came. Theres two : keepe tally.

Orati.

Tell mee (/ pray you ) was ever Pegafus a cow in a cage ,
Mercury a moufe in a cheefey Dexteritie a dog in a doublet ,
Ledger-demaine a Jlow-wormey Vivacitie a lazy bones , Ente-
lechie a flug-plumy Humanitie a fpittle-many Rhetorique a
dummerelly Poetrie a tumbler , Hiflorie a banqrouty Philofo-
phie a broker ?

46

Have with y oil

Consili. I marry, now it workes.

Respon. I bely him not a word ; juft as it is there, in his
owne text it comes together.

Orati.

Why Jhould /, then , that have been an incorruptible Areo-
page,

Benti. Stay ! that fame Areopage , hee is a forreyner newe
come over : let us examine him if hee bee the Queenes
friend or no, ere he paffe.

Orati.

withoiLt anie pregnant caufe , be thus prefligioujly bejiedged,
and 7narked with an afterifke, by them that are fuperficdall in
theory ?

Came. On my vertuous chaftitie, and in veritie, pregnant,
preftigious, fuperficiall and prettie !

Orati.

In manie extraor dinar ie remarkeable energeticall lines , and
perfunctorie pamphlets, both in ambidexteritie and omnidex-
teritie, together with matters adiophorall, have I disbalafed
my minde, and 7iot let Jlip theleajl occajionet of adva7itage, to
acquaint the world with my preg7ia7tt propofitio7is , and refo-
lute aphorif7nes.

Co7isili. That word “ aphorifmes” Gree7ies exequutors may
claime from him ; for while hee liv’d, he had no goods nor
chatties in commoner ufe than it.

hnport. Away, away ! I cannot be perfwaded hee wold
ever come forth with anie one of thefe balductum baftardly
termes.

Refp07i. You cannot? then cannot 1 be perfwaded that
you cannot bee perfwaded ; fince I have as much reafon not
to credit your bare affertion, where you fay you are per-

to Saffron Walden.

47

fwaded it is not fo, as you to diftruft my deep vehement
protections, wherin I wold perfwade you it is fo. But if
none of thefe perfwafions or protections may prevaile with
your incredulitie, bring me to the booke, if you pleafe (the
Doctours Booke fubintelligitur) and that will foone refolve
you.

Import. It shall not need ; I beleeve thee, fince thou
Cndft in it fo ferioufly : yet I wonder thou fetft not downe,
in figures in the margent, in what line, page, and folio, a man
might find everie one of thefe fragments, which would have
much fatisfied thy readers.

Refpon. What ! make an errata in the midft of my booke,
and have my margent befcratcht (like a merchants booke)
with thefe roguish arfemetrique gibbets or flesh-hookes, and
cyphers, or round oos, lyke pifmeeres egges ? Content
your felfe, I will never do it : or if I were ever minded to
doo it, I could not, fince (as I told you fome few leaves
before) in more than a quarter of that his tumbrell of con-
futation he hath left the pages unfigured ; forefeeing by
devination (belike) that I should come to disfigure them.

Conjil. I warrant thee I, thou haft figur’d him well enough
as it is ; and if thou hadft tooken the paynes of quotations
of figures, as he would have thee, I doubt whether there be
anie would ever have beftowed fo much paines to conferre
or examine them.

Carnead. On ! forward, good Piers Refpondent with yonr
oration, for I am hungrie upon it ; and with this I have
heard alreadie, my appetite is nothing ftancht, but rather
whetted.

Refpond. Beare witnes, my m afters, if hee dye of a furfet,
I cannot doo withall, it is his owne feeking, not mine : as

48 Have with you

long as I have it, I am no niggard of it : at all adventures I
will fet it before him.

Oration.

Omitting (ficco pede) my encomiajiicall orations, and mer-
curiall and martiall difcourfes of the terribilitie of war , in
the aClive and chevalrous vaine every way comparable with
the Cavalcads of Bellerophon, or Don Alphonfo d’ Avalos,
my feraphicall vifions in Queene Poetrie, queint theorickes ,
melancholy projects, and pragmaticall difcourfes , whofe beau-
defert , and rich ceconomie , the infpiredeft Heliconifls and arch-
patrons of our new omnifcians, have not flickt to equipage
with the ancient Quinquagenarians , Centurions , and Chili-
arkes : n o twithflan d ing all which Idees of monftrous excel-
lencie,fome fmirking fmgularifts , brag reformifts , and glick-
ing remembrancers , ( not with the multiplying fpirite of the
alchumift , but the villanift ) feeke to be mafons of infinite con-
tradiction ; they (/ fay) with their f rumping contras, tickling
interjections , together with their vehement incensives and
allectives , as if they would be the onely A per fe a’s, or great
A’s of puijfance , like Alexander, ( whom yet fome of oicr
moderne worthies difdaine to have fceptred the eft Amen of
valure) commenfe redoubtable monomachies againft mee, and
the dead honnie-bee my brother.

Bentiv. A per fe , con per fe, tittle, eft, A men ! Doft thou
not feele thy felfe fpoyld ? why, he comes uppon thee (man)
with a whole horn-booke.

Import. What a fupernaturall Hibble de beane it is, to call
his brother a dead honnie-bee !

Consil. I laughd at nothing fo much as that word arch-
patrons. Goe thy wayes, thought 1 : thou art a civilian, and
maift well fetch metaphors from the Arches ; but thou shalt
never fish anie monie from thence whileft thou liv’^ .

to Saffron- Walden.

49

Cam. Troth, I would hee might for me (that’s all the
harme I wish him), for then we neede never wish the Playes
at Powles up againe ; but if we were wearie with walking,
and loth to goe too farre to feeke fport, into the Arches we
might ftep, and heare him plead, which would bee a
merrier comedie than ever was old Mother Bomby. As for
an inftance : fuppofe hee were to follicite fome caufe againft
Martinifts, were it not a jeft as right fterling as might be,
to fee him ftroke his beard thrice, and begin thus ? Grave
H el icon if ts, feraph icall Omni/ clans, and the only Centurions ,
Quinquagenarians and Chiliarks of our time ! May it pleafe
you to be advertifed, how that certaine fmirking Singidarifts ,
brag Ref ormifts, and glicking Remembrancers , not with the
multiplying fpirit of the alchumift , but the villanift , have
fought to be mafons of infinite contradiction , and with their
melancholy projects , frumping contras, tickling interjections ,
and vehement incenfives and allectives , in all pragmaticall
terribilitie commenfe redoubtable monomachies againft you ,
and the beau-defert and Idees of your encomia fticall Church
government , and particular and peculiar ceconomies. One
fhould have the prodlors and regifters as bufie with their
table-books as might bee to gather phrafes, and all the
boyes in the towne would be his clients to follow him.
Marry ! it were neceffarie the Queenes Decypherer fhould
bee one of the high Commiffioners ; for elfe other while he
would blurt out fuch Brachmannicall fidd de-fubs , as no
bodie fhould be able to underftand him.

Rejpon. You make too long glofes on the text : attend
how it followes.

Oration.

But Mercury fublimcd is fome-zvay a coy and ftoid fellozv.

H

Have with you

50

Ben. Verie true; for it is a good medicine for the itch.
Oration.

And fpite as clofe a fecretarie as a f cummer,

Carnead. Secretarie Spite and Secretarie Scummer, give
me your hands : I befeech you, what noble-men about
court doo you belong too ?

Oration.

Refolution a forward mate , and Valour a brave man ;
Bentiv. O brave man ! will you buy a brave dog ?
Oration.

Impudencie and S launder, two arrant vagabonds.

Carnead. I crie you mercie ; I alwaies tooke them for the
two Brothers.

Oration.

The world never fuck a S cogin as now, and the divell
never fuch a knave as now.

Bentiv. What a divell ayles he to rayle fo uppon a poore
painfull divell, that dooes for him all he can ?

Refpond. Whift ! filence on everie hand ; for here is the
very S'. Georges robes of rhetorique, a fpeach that I have
tooke up by the lumpe, as it lies in his Booke.

Oration.

What's the falvation of David Gorge ? A Nidlitie. What
the deification of H. N. ? A Nidlitie. What the glorification
of Ket ? A Nullitie. What the fanctification of Browne?
A Nullitie. What the communitie of Barrow ? A Nidlitie.
What the plaufibilitie of Martin ? A Nullitie ; yea and a
wofidl Nullitie , and a piteous Nullitie.

Carnead. What a piteous noyfe, like a fpirit in a wal, doth
he here make with his nullities ? I fhould fure run out of
my wits, if one fhould come to my chamber doore at mid-

to Saffron- Walden. 5 1

night, with nothing but fuch a difmall note of A Nullitie !
a Nullitie !

Oration.

Nay , be you load-f tones to exhale what I fay. Martin is a
Guerra, Browne a browne-bill , and Barrow a wheel-barrow ;
Ket a kight , H. N. an o. k. ; and to conclude , as the wheele
was an ancient hieroglyphicke amongft the Aegyptians, fo
fome tooles are falfe prophets.

Bentiv. That’s the caufe wee have fo manie bad work-
men now a daies : put up a bill againft them next Par-
liament.

Import. But if he had faid, manie men have fome tooles
that are little for their profit, he had hit the mark fome-
what nearer.

Oration.

Judas, the Gaulonite, in theraigne of Herod was a hot toafty
Cam. It cannot choofe but he lov’d ale well, then.
Oration.

and prefent examples we have , as hot as frefhy that he that
hath time hath life.

Confol. In good time be it fpoken.

Import. A good admonition to mufitions to keepe time
with their inftruments, if they be defirous to live long.

Oration.

Duke Allocer on his luftie cock-horfe is a hot familiar ,
Carnead. Let him but live in London halfe a yeare, and
there be them that wil take him downe and coole him,
were he twice as hot.

Oration.

and no fuch arte memorative as the crab -tree defke :

Confil. No! what fay you to a crab-tree cudgell ? if it

0. OF 111. UB,

52

Have with you

were well husbanded about his fhoulders, I thinke it would
make him remember it time enough.

Oration.

for , tmder correction of the arte notorie be it fpoken , envie is a
foaking regijler , and mortall fewde the claw of an adamant.

Import. Hath adamant fuch fharpe clawes ? That makes
it hold yron fo faft, when it hath it.

Refpon. Harke ! harke, how hee praifeth Sir Philip
Sidney.

Oration.

Sweete Sir Philip Sidney, he was the gentleman of curtefiey
and the verie ef quire of induftrie !

Carnea. The efquire of induftrie ? O fcabbed fcald fquire
(Scythian Gabrieli ) as thou art, fo under-foot to commend
the cleereft myrrour of true nobilitie !

Conjil. What a mifchiefe does he taking anie mans
name in his ulcerous mouth ? that, being fo feftred and
ranckled with barbarifme, is able to ruft and canker it,
were it never fo refplendent.

Refp. In all his praifes he is the moft fore-fpoken and
unfortunate under heaven ; and thofe whom he ferventeft
ftrives to grace and honour, he moft difhonors and dif-
graceth by fome uncircumcifed fluttifh epithite or other :
and even to talke treafon he may be drawn unwares, and
never have anie fuch intent, for want of difcretion how to
manage his words.

Bent. It is a common fcoffe amongft us to call anie
foolifh prodigall yong gallant the gentleman or floure of
curtefie ; and (if it were wel fcand) I am of the opinion,
with the fame purpofe hee did it to fcoffe and deride Sir
Philip Sidney , in calling him the Gentleman of curtefie , and
the verie ej quire oj ~ induftrie.

to Saffron- Walden.

53

Refpond. Poore tame-witted filly Quirko ! on my confid-
ence I dare excufe him, hee had never anie fuch thought,
but did it in as meere earned:, as ever in commendation of
himfelfe and his brothers hee writ thefe two verfes ;

Singular are thefe three , John, Richard, Gabriel Harvy,
For Logique , Philofophie , Rhetorique , Aftronomie.

As alfo, in like innocent innocent well meaning, added he
this that enfues.

Oration.

His Enielechy was fine Greece , and the finefi Tufcanifme in
graine. Although I could tickle him with a contrarie pre-
fident, where he cafts Tufcanifme, as a horrible crime, in a
noble-mans teeth.

Carnead. Bodie of mee ! this is worfe than all the reft : he
fets foorth Sir Philip Sidney in the verie ftyle of a Diers
Signe ; as if hee fhould have faid :

HEERE WITHIN THIS PLACE IS ONE
THAT DIETH ALL KINDE OF ENTELECHY
IN FINE GREECE, AND THE FINEST
TOSCANISME IN GRAINE THAT MAY
BEE, OR ANY COLOUR ELSE YE WOLD
DESIRE. AND SO GOD SAVE THE QUEENE !

Bentiv. More copie, more copie ! we leefe a great deale
of time for want of text.

Imp. Apace ! out with it ; and let us nere ftand paufing
or looking about, fince we are thus far onward.

Oration.

But fome had rather be a pol-cat with a ftinking ftirre , than
a mufke-cat with gracious favour.

54

Have with you

Bentiv. I fmell him, I fmell him. The wrongs that thou
haft ofifred him are fo intolerable, as they would make a
cat fpeake ; therefore looke to it, Nafhe , for with one pol-
cat perfume or another hee will poyfon thee, if he be not
able to anfwere thee.

Carnead. Pol-cat and mufke cat ! there wants but a cat
a mountaine, and then there would be old fcratching.

Bentiv. I, but not onely no ordinarie cat, but a mufke-
cat ; and not onely a mufke-cat, but a mujke-cat with gra-
cious favour (which founds like a princes ftile Dei gratia).
Not Tibault or Ifegrim , Prince of Cattes, were ever endowed
with the like title.

Refpon. Since you can make fo much of a little, you
fhall have more of it.

Oration.

To utter the entrayles of a fphericall heart in few fillables ,
mufke is a fweete curtezan, and fugar and honey daintie
hipocrytes.

Bentiv. O fweeter and fweeter ! fome bodie lend me a
hand-kercher, that I may carrie fome home in my pocket
for my little god-fonne.

Carnead. Madame Mufke, if you be a curtezan (as the
Dodtour informes us) fure you have dreft a number of my
friends fweetly, have you not ? But you were never other-
wife like ; for mans apparaile and womans apparaile, all was
one to you. And fome myfterie there was in it, that they
alwayes cride, Foh, what a ftinke is heere ! and ftopt their
nofes when you came neere them. For your worfhips,
Mafter Sugar and Mafter Honie, (be you likewife fuch
daintie hipocrytes as he gives teftimonie) I doubt not but
at one time or other we fhall tafte you.

to Saffron- Walden.

55

Refpond. Stay ! let me looke upon it : I, it is the fame,
right Ifenborough good, or never truft mee. A fpeach or
fudden exclamation, which, after hee had been in a deadly
found for fixe or feaven houres (uppon what fear-procured
ficknes I leave you to imagine) was the firft words uppon
his reviving he uttered.

Oration.

O Humanitie my Lullius, and Divinitie my Paracelfus !

Conjil. As much to fay as, all the humanitie he hath is
gathered out of Lullius, and all his divinitie, or religion, out
of Paracelfus.

Carnead. Let him call uppon Kelly , who is better than
them both ; and for the fpirites and foules of the ancient
alchumifts, he hath them fo clofe emprifoned in the firie
purgatorie of his fornace, that for the welth of the king of
Spaines Indies , it is not poffible to releafe or get the third
part of a nit of anie one of them, to helpe anie but
himfelfe.

Import. Whether you call his fire Purgatorie or no, the
fire of Alchumie hath wrought fucli a purgation, or purga-
tory, in a great number of mens purfes in England ’ that it
hath clean fir’d them out of al they have.

Refpond. Therefore, our Do6lor (verie well heere towards
the latter end of his oration) comes in with a cooling card.

Oration.

Cordially I coidd wifh , that the pelting home of thefe fhirres
( according to the fceciall law) were rebated , zvherby our popu-
lars might tafte of fome more plausible panegericall orations ,
fine theurgie, and profound effentiall god- full arguments.

Carnead. Soft ! Ere I goe anie further, I care not if I draw
out my purfe, and change fome odde peeces of olde Englifli

56

Have with you

for new coyne : but it is no matter ; upon the retourne from
Guiana the valuation of them may alter, and that which is
currant now be then copper, Onely this word god-full
goes with mee, if it be but to court a widdow in Chrift, or
holy fifter of ours with, that weares Thy fpirit be with us
for the pofie of her ring.

Oration.

But the arte of figges had ever a dappert wit, and a deft con-
ceit : Saint Fame give him joy of his blacke cole, and his white
chalke.

Confil. Saint Fame is one of the notorious nicke-names
he gives thee, as alfo under the arte of figges (to cleave him
from the crowne to the wafte with a quip) he fhadowes
Mafter Lilly : but if betweene you you doo not fo chalke
him up for a Crimme and Maniquenbecke, and draw him in
cole more artificially than the face in cole that Michaell
Angelo and Raphaell Urbin went to buffets about, I would
you might be cole carriers, or pioners in a cole-pit, whiles
colliers ride upon collimol cuts, or there be any reprifalls of
purfes twixt this and Cole-brooke.

Refpond. Pacifie your confcience, and leave your impre-
cations ; wee will beare no coales, never feare you. As for
him whom (fo artleffe and againft the [h]aire of aniefimilitude
or coherence) he calls the arte of figges, he fhall not need
long to call for his figs, for hee will bee choakt foone inough
with them ; they having lyne ripe by him readie gathered
(wanting nothing but preffing) anie time this twelve month.
For my owne proper perfon, if I doo not (in requitall of vS.
Fame) enfaint and canonife him for the famoufeft paliard
and Senior Penaquila , that hath breathed fince the raigne
of vS. Tor, let all the droppings of my pen bee feazed upon

to Saffron- Walden.

57

by the queenes takers for tarre to dreffe fhips with. I
tarry too trifling fuperfluoufly in the twittle cum-twattles
of his text : take it, with a wennion, altogether, if you will
have it.

Oration.

Embellijhtly I can refolve them , here they Jhall not meete
with chalke for cheefe ; and though fome drinhe oyle of
prickes for a reflorative , they Jhall have much adoo to void
firrupe of rofes : for it is not everie mans blab that cafls a
Jheepes eye out of a calves head ; and for ought I know , / fee
no reafon why the wheel-wright may not be as honeft a man
and pregnant mcechanician as the cutler , the cutler as the
drawer , the drawer as the cutler , and the writer as the
printer. And fo I recommend every one, and them all , to your
curtesies. Your mindfull debter,

Gabriell Harvey.

\_Carnead.\ Thou haft oppreft us with an inundation of
Bifcanifme ; and though we would faine have made him
ftand in a white fheet for his baudie oyle of pricks (a common
receipt for the greene flcknes) as alfo examind his firrupe of
rofes, wherein Rofe Flowers is beft experimented, yet time
and tide (that ftaies for no man) forbids us to tire any more
on this carrion, being more than glutted with it alreadie.

Bentiv. But yet to give him this one comfort at the
parting, it had not been amiffe, that whereas he ftands in
fuch feare of cafting his fheeps eye out of his calves head,
thou never meantft it, but if it were an oxes hee fhould
ftill keepe it, and rather thou wouldft enlarge it than em-
payre it.

Refpond. I, make it up a paire (I fweare) rather than he

I

Biscanism the
most barbar-
ous Spanish ;
even as the
Northren tung
of the English.

58

Have with you

fhould bee unprovided. Refponde breviter , Senior Impor-
tuno : have not I comprehended all the Dodlors workes
bravely, like Homers Iliads in the compaffe of a nut-fhell ?
Now where be our honorable cavaliers, that keepe fuch a
prating and a gabrill about our Gabrieli and his admirable
ftile, (nothing fo good as Littletons , with his John a Nokes
and John a Stiles) let them look to it I wold advife them ;
for the courfe they take in commending this courfe Him-
penhempen Slampamp , this ftale Apple-fquire Cockledemoy ,
who, fome 18 yeares fince, when thefe Italionate carnation
painted horfe tayles were in fafhion, in felfe fame fort was
about (if his chamber fellow had not over-rulde him) to
have fcutchaneled and painted his pickerdevant, to make it
trave[lle]r-like antick : this jadifh courfe, this javels courfe,
this drumbling courfe, this dry braind courfe, if you perfever
and infift in, and on the toppe of affes bufkind eares thus
labour to build trophees of theyr praife, canonizing everie
Bel-Jhangles , the water-bearer, for a faint, and the contempti-
bleft worlds difh-cloute for a relique ; infpiredly I prophe-
cie, your endes will be ale and Shorditch , that all prefer-
ment and good fpirits will abandon you : and more (to
plague you for your apoftata conceipts) ballets fhalbee made
of your bafe deaths, even as there was of Cutting Ball.

Consil. Ho, Ball, ho ! in the name of God, whether wilt
thou ?

Ref pond. To Saffron- Walden as faft as I can, though I
goe a little way about.

Import. Unfortunate Gabrieli ! Iam forry for him, for he
hath been a man of good parts.

Refpond. Good parts ? He name you one of feaven times
better parts than he, whom you and I, and every one heere,
have knowen from our childhood.

to Saffron Walden.

59

Import. Who is that ?

Respond. In fpeach , with his eight parts. But without
further fpeach, that you may throghly be refolv’d what
thofe good parts are, you enable the Do6lor for, here have
1 fet downe his whole life from his infancie to this prefent
9 6 ; even as they ufe in the beginning of a booke to fet
downe the life of anie memorable ancient author. Difpenfe
with it though it drink fome inck, or prodigally difpend
manie pages that might have been better employd ; for if
it yeeld you not fport for your money, at the fame price
fhall you buye mee for your bond-flave, that my booke
cofts you.

Carnead. On that condition, wee will make thee a leafe
of our attention for three lives and a halfe, or a hundred
lacking one.

THE LIFE AND GODLY EDUCATION FROM HIS CHILD-
HOOD OF THAT THRICE FAMOUS CLARKE, AND
WORTHIE ORATOR AND POET

Gabriell Harvey.

Gabrieli Harvey , of the age of fortie eight or upwards,
( Tnrpe fenex miles , tis time for fuch an olde foole to leave
playing the fwafh-buckler) was borne at Saffron Walden ,
none of the obfcureft townes in Effex. For his parentage, I
will fay, as Polidore Virgill faith of Cardinall Wolfey , Pa-
rentem habuit virnm problem, at lanium , he had a reafonable
honeft man to his father, but he was a butcher ; fo Gabrieli
Harvey had one Good-man Harvey to his father, a true
fubje6t, that paid fcot and lot, in the parifh where he dwelt,
with the belt of them, but yet he was a rope-maker : Id
qnod reminifci nolebat (as Polidore goes forward) ut rem

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utique perfona illius indignant , that which is death to Ga-
brieli to remember, as a matter everie way derogatorie to
his perfon, quare fecum totos dies cogitabat , qualis effet, non
unde effet ; wherefore from time to time he doth nothing
but turmoile his thoghts how to raife his eftate, and invent
new peteg^rees, and what great noble-mans baftard hee was
likely to bee, not whofe fonne he is reputed to be.

Confil. Give me leave before thou readfl any further. I
woidd not wifh thee fo to upbraid him with his birth , which
if he could remedie it were another matter ; but it is his for-
tune and natures , and neither his fathers faidt nor his.

Ref pond. Neither as his fathers nor his fault doo I urge
it, otherwife than it is his fault to beare himfelfe too arro-
gantly above his birth, and to contemne and forget the
houfe from whence he came ; which is the reafon that hath
induced mee (aswell in this treatife as my former writings)
to remember him of it, not as anie fuch hainous difcredit
fimply of it felfe, if his horrible infulting pride were not :

Nam genus et proavos , et quce non fecimus ipfi ,

Vix ea noftra voco.

It is no true glorie of ours what our fore-fathers did, nor are
we to anfwere for anie finnes of theirs. Demoflhenes was
the fonne of a cutler, Socrates of a midwife ; which detra6led
neyther from the ones eloquence, nor the others wifedome :
(farre be it that eyther in eloquence or wifedome I fhould
compare Gabrieli to either of them.) Marry, for Demof-
thenes or Socrates to be afhamed or take it in high derifion
(which they never did) the one to be faid to have a cutler
to his father, or the other that hee had a mid-wife to his
mother (as Harvey doth to have himfelfe or anie of his

to Saffron- Walden.

6 1

brothers called the formes of a rope-maker, which by his
own private confeffion to fome of my friends, was the onely
thing that moft fet him a fire againft me) I wil juftify it,
might argue them or him more inferior and defpicable, than
anye cutler, mid-wife, or rope-maker. Turne over his two
bookes he hath publifhed againft me (whereon he hath
clapt paper gods plentie, if that would preffe a man to
death), and fee if in the waye of anfwer, or otherwife, he once
mention the word rope-maker, or come within fortie foot of
it ; except in one place of his firft booke, where hee nameth
it not neither, but goes thus cleanly to worke, (as heretofore
I have fet downe) though hee could finde no roome in the
expence of 36 fheetes of paper to refute it : and may not a
good fonne have a reprobate to his father f (a P eriphrasis of
a rope-maker, which (if fhould fhryne my felfe; I never heard
before). This is once : I have given him caufe enough I
wot to have ftumbled at it, and take notice of it ; for where,
in his firft booke, he cafts the begger in my difh at everie
third fillable, and fo, like an emperour, triumphs over mee,
as though he had the philofopher’s ftone to play at foot-bal
with, and I were a poore alchumift new fet up, that had
fcarce money to buy beechen coles for my fornace. In kind
guerdon and requitall, I told him in Piers Pennilefse Apo-
logie, That he need not be fo Inftie , if ( like the peacocke ) he
lookt downe to the foide feete that upheld him , for he was but
the fonne of a rope-maker ; and hee would not have a fhoo to
put on his feete , if his father had not traffique with the hang-
man. And in another place, when he brought the towne
feale or next juftices hands (as it were) to witnes, that his
father was an honeft man ; which no man denide or im-
paired anie further than faying, He got his living backward,

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and that he had kept three fonnes at the Universitie a long
time ; I joynd iffue with them and confirmed it, and added,
Nay , which is more , three proud fonnes , that when they met
the hang-man ( their fathers beft cufomer) woidd not put off
their hatts to him , with other by-glances to the like effect,
which he filently over-fkippeth, to withdraw men (lapwing-
like) from his neaft, as much as might bee. Onely hee tells
a foolifh twittle twattle boafting tale, (amidft his impudent
brazen-fac’d defamation of Doctor Perne ) of the funerall of
his kinfman, Sir Thomas Smith , (which word kinfman , I
won derd, he caufd not to be fet in great capitall letters), and
how in thofe obfequies he was a chiefe mourner. I wis his
father was of a more humble fpirit ; who, in gratefull lieu
and remembrance of the hempen myfterie that hee was be-
holding too, and the patrons and places that were his trades
chiefe maintainers and fupporters, provided that the firft
letter each of his fonnes names began with fhould allude
and correfpond with the chiefe marts of his traffick, and of
his profeffion and occupation : as Gabrieli ’ his eldeft fonnes
name, beginning with a G for gallowes, John with a J for
jayle, Richard with an R for rope-maker ; as much to fay,
as all his whole living depended on the jayle, the gallowes,
and making of ropes. Another brother there is, whofe
name I have forgot, though I am fure it jumpes with this
alphabet. Jumpe or jarre they with me as they fee caufe,
this counfaile (if the cafe were mine) I would give them,
not to bee daunted or blanckt anie whit, had they ten hun-
dred thoufand legions of hangum tuums or per collum pendere
debes to their fathers, and any should twit them or gaule
with it never fo : but as Agathocles comming from a durt-
kneading potter to be a king, would (in memorie of that his1

to Saffron- Walden.

63

firft vocation) be ferved ever after, as well in earthen dishes
as fumptuous royal plate ; fo, had they but one royall of
plate or fixe pennie peece amongft them, they shuld plat
(what ever their other cheere were) to have a fait eele, in
refemblance of a ropes end, continuallye ferv’d in to their
tables ; or if they were not able to be at fuch charges, let
them caft but for a two-penny rope of onions everie day to
be brought in, in ftead of frute, for a clofing up of their
ftomackes. It cannot doo amiffe ; it will remember them
they are mortal, and whence they came, and whether they
are to goe. Were I a lord (I make the Lord God a vow)
and were but the leaft a kin to this breath-ftrangling linage,
I would weare a chaine of pearle brayded with a halter, to
let the world fee I held it in no difgrace, but high glorie to
bee difcended howfoever : and as amongft the ancient
Aegiptians (as Maffarius de ponderibus writes) there was an
inftrument called Funiculus , conteining 60 furlongs, where-
with they meafured their fields and their vineyards, fo
from the plough harneffe to the (lender hempen twift that
they bind up their vines with, wold I branch my alliance,
and omit nothing in the praife of it, except thofe two
notable blemishes of the trade of rope-makers, Achitophel
and Judas , that were the firft that ever hangd themfelves.

Bentiv. Thereto the rope-makers were but accidentally ac-
cefsarie , as any honejl man may be , that lends a halter to a
thief e, whereivith ( unwitting to hind) he goes and fteales a
horfe : wherefore , however, {after a fort ) they may be faid to
have their hands in the effect, yet they are free and innocent
from the caufe.

Refpond. As though the caufe and the effedl (more than
the fuperfices and the fubftance) can bee feperated, when in

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manie things, caufa fine qua non is both the caufe and the
effect, the common diftinction of potentia non a£lu, approv-
ing it felfe verie crazed and impotent herein, fince the pre-
miffes neceffarily beget the conclufion, and fo contradictorily
the conclufion the premiffes ; a halter including defperation,
and fo defperation concluding in a halter ; without which
fatall conclufion and privation, it cannot truly bee termed
defperation, fince nothing is faid to bee till it is borne, and
defpaire is never fully borne till it ceafeth to bee, and hath
depriv’d him of beeing that firft bare it and brought it forth.
So that herein it is hard to diftinguish which is moft to be
blamed, of the caufe or the effect ; the caufe without the
effect beeing of no effect, and the effect without the caufe
never able to have been. Such another paire of undifcern-
able twins and mutuall married correllatives are nature and
fortune. As for example : if it be any mans fortune to
hang himfelfe and abridg his naturall life, it is likewife
natural to him (or allotted him by nature) to have no better
fortune.

Carnead. Better or worfe fortune , I pry thee let us heare
how thou goefi forward with defcribing the Doctor and his
life and fortunes : and you, my. fellow auditors , I befeech you ,
trouble him not (anie more) with thefe impertinent paren-
thefes.

Refpond. His education I wil handle next, wherein he
ran through Didimus or Diomcdes 6000 books of the Arte of
Grammar, befides learnd to write a faire capitall Romane
hand, that might well ferve for a boone-grace to fuch men
as ride with their face towards the horfe taile, or fet on the
pillorie for coufnage or perjurie. Many a copy-holder or
magiftrall fcribe, that holds all his living by fetting fchool-

to Saffron- Walden.

65

boies copies, comes fhort of the like gift. An old Do£tor
of Oxford fhewd me Latine verfes of his in that flourifhing
flantitanting goutie Omega fift, which he prefented unto
him (as a bribe) to get leave to playe, when hee was in the
heighth or prime of his Pner es cupis atque doceri. A good
qualitie or qualification, I promife you truely, to keepe him
out of the danger of the Statute gainft wilfull vagabonds,
rogues, and beggers. But in his grammer yeares, (take me
thus farre with you) he was a verie graceleffe litigious youth,
and one that would pick quarrells with old Gulielmus
Lillies Sintaxis and Profodia , everie howre of the daye :
a defperate ftabber with pen-knives, and whom he could
not over-come in deputation, he would be fure to break his
head with his pen and ink-horne. His father prophecyde
by that his ventrus manhood and valure, he would prove
an other S'. Thomas a Becket for the church ; but his mo-
ther doubted him much, by reafon of certaine ftrange
dreames fhe had when fhe was firft quicke with childe of
him, which wel fhe hoped were but idle fwimming fancies
of no confequence, till beeing advifde by a cunning man
(her frend, that was verie farre in her books) one time fliee
flept in a fheepes fkinne all night, to the intent to dreame
true, another time under a lawrell tree, a third time on the
bare ground ftarke naked, and laft on a dead mans tomb, or
grave-ftone, in the church in a hot fummers after-noone ;
when, no barrel better herring, fhe fped even as fhe did
before. For firft fhee dreamed her wombe was turned to
fuch another hollow veffell full of difquiet fiends, as Salo-
mons brazen bowle, wherein were fo manie thoufands of
divels ; which (deepe hidden under ground) long after the
Babilonians (digging for mettals) chaunced to light upon,

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and miftaking it for treafure, brake it ope verie greedily,
when, as out of Pandoras boxe of maladyes which Epime-
theus opened, all manner of evills flewe into the world ; fo
all manner of devills then broke loofe amongft humane
kinde. Therein her drowfie divination not much deceiv’d
her ; for never wer Empedocles devils fo toft from the aire
into the fea, and from the fea to the earth, and from the
earth to the aire againe exhaled by the funne, or driv’n up
by windes and tempefts, as his difcontented povertie (more
difquiet than the Irifh feas) hath driv’n him from one pro-
feffion to another. Devinitie (the heaven of all artes) for a
while drew his thoughts unto it ; but fhortly after the world,
the flefh, and the divell with-drewe him from that, and
needes he would be of a more gentleman-like luftie cut :
whereupon hee fell to morrall epiftling and poetrie. He
fell, I may well fay, and made the price of wit and poetrie
fall with him, when hee firft began to be a fripler or broker
in that trade. Yea, from the aire he fell to the fea, (that
my comparifon may hold in everie point) which is, he would
needs croffe the feas to fetch home two penniworth of Tuf-
canifme ; from the fea to the earth againe he was toft,
videlicet fhortly after hee became a roguifh commenter
uppon earth-quakes, as by the famous epiftles (by his owne
mouth onely made famous) may more largely appeare.
Ultima Imea rerum , his finall entrancing from the earth to
the fkies, was his key-colde defence of the? cleargie in the
tractate of Pap-hatchet , intermingled, like a fmall fleete of
gallies, in the huge Armada againft me. The fecond dreame
his mother had was, that fhe was deliverd of a caliver or
hand-gun, which in the difcharging burft. I pray God (with
all my heart) that this caliver, or cavalier, of poetrie, this

to Saffron- Walden.

67

hand-gun, or elder-gun, that fhoots nothing but pellets of
chewd paper, in the difcharging burft not. A third time in
her deep fhe apprehended and imagined, that out of her
belly there grew a rare garden bed, over-run with garish
weedes innumerable, which had onely one flip in it of herb
of grace, not budding at the toppe neither, but, like the
floure Narciffns , having flowres onely at the roote ; whereby
fhe augur’d and conjectur’d, how ever hee made fome shew
of grace in his youth, when he came to the top or heighth
of his beft proofe, he would bee found a barrain ftalk with-
out frute. At the fame time (over and above) fhee thought
that, in ftead of a boye, (which fhe defired) she was deliverd
and brought to bed of one of thefe kiftrell birds, called a
wind-fucker. Whether it be verifiable, or onely probably
furmifed, I am uncertaine, but conftantly up and downe it
is bruted, how he pifb incke as foone as ever he was borne,
and that the firft cloute he fowld was a sheete of paper;
whence fome mad wits giv’n to defcant, even as Herodotus
held that the Aethiopians feed of generation was as blacke
as inke, fo haply they unhappely wold conclude, an Incubus ,
in the likenes of an inke-bottle, had carnall copulation with
his mother when hee was begotten. Should I reckon up
but one halfe of the miracles of his conception, that verie
fubftantially have been affirmed unto me, one or other, like
Bodine , wold ftart up and taxe mee for a miracle-monger,
as hee taxt Livy , faying that he talkt of nothing elfe, fave
how oxen fpake, of the flames of fire that iffued out of the
Scipioes heads, of the ftatues of the gods that fwet, how
Jupiter} in the likenes of a childe or yong-man, appeared to
Hanniball, and that an infant of fix months olde proclaymed
triumph up and downe the ftreetes. But let him that hath

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the poyfon of a thoufand gorgons, or flinging bafilifkes, full
crammed in his inke-horne, tamper with mee, or taxe mee
in the way of contradiction never fo little, and he shall finde
(if I finde him not a toad, worthie for nought but to be
flampt under foote) that I will fpit fire for fire, fight divell
fight dragon, as long as he will. No vulgar refpects have
I, what Hoppcnny Hoe and his fellow Hankin Booby thinke
of mee, fo thofe whom arte hath adopted for the peculiar
plants of her academie, and refined from the dull northernly
droffe of our clyme, hold mee in anie tollerable account.

The woonders of my great grand-father Harveys progeni-
ture were thefe.

In the verie moment of his birth there was a calfe borne
in the fame towne with a dubble tongue, and having eares
farre longer than anie affe, and his feete turned backward,
like certain e people of the Tartars that nevertheles are
reafonable fwift.

In the houre of his birth there was a moft darkfome
eclipfe, as though hel and heaven, about a confultation of
an eternall league, had met together.

Thofe that calculated his nativitie faid, that Saturne and
the Moone (either of which is the caufer of madneffe) were
melancholy conjoynd together (contrarie to all courfe of
aftronomie) when into the world hee was produced. About
his lips, even as about Dions ship, there flocked a fwarme
of wafpes as foone as ever he was laid in his cradle.
Scarce nine yeres of age he attaind too, when, by engroffing
al ballets that came to anie market or faire there-abouts,
he afpired to bee as defperate a ballet-maker as the beft of
them. The firft frutes of his poettrie beeing a pittifull
dittie in lamentation of the death of a fellow that, at

to Saffron- Walden.

69

Queene Maries coronation, came downward, with his head
on a rope, from the fpyre of Powles fteeple, and brake his
necke. Afterward he exercifed to write certaine graces in
ryme dogrell, and verfes upon everie month, manie of which
are yet extant in primers and almanackes. His father, with
the extreame joy of his towardneffe, wept infinitely, and
prophecide he was too forward witted to live long. His
fchoole-mafter never heard him peirfe or confter, but he
cryde out, 0 acumen Carneadum ! O decus addite divis !
and fwore by Sufenbrotus and Taleus, that he would proove
another Philo Judceus for knowledge and deep judgment,
who in philofophie was preferd above Plato , and bee a
more rare exchequer of the Mufes than rich Gaza was for
wealth ; which tooke his name of Cambyfes , laying all his
treafure there when hee went to make warre againft
Aegipt.

By this time imagin him rotten ripe for the Univerfitie,
and that hee carries the poake for a meffe of porredge in
Chrifts Colledge ; which I doo not upbraid him with, as anie
difparagement at all, fince it is a thing everie one that is
fcholler of the houfe is ordinarily fubject unto by turnes,
but onely I thruft it in for a periphrafis. Of his admiffion,
or matriculation, I am fu-re you will be glad to heare well
of him, fince hee is a youth of fome hope, and you have
been partly acquainted with his bringing up.

In fadnes I would be loath to difcourage ye, but yet in
truth (as truth is truth, and will out at one time or other,
and fhame the divell) the coppie of his Tutors letter to his
father I will fhew you, about his carriage and demeanour ;
and yet I will not pofitively affirme it his Tutors Letter
neither, and yet you maye gather more than I am willing

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to utter, and what you lift not beleeve referre to after
ages, even as Paulus Jovius did in his lying praifes of the
houfe of Medicis, or the importunate Dialogue twixt
Charles the Fifth and him of Expedire te oportet, et parare
calamos , or his tempefhuous thunder-bolt invedlive againft
Selimus.

The Letter of Harveys Tutor to his Father, as

TOUCHING HIS MANNERS AND BEHAVIOR.
Emanuell.

Sir, Grace and peace unto you premifed. So it is that your
fonne, you have committed to my charge, is of a paffing for-
ward carriage , and profiteth very foundly.

Carnead. That is, beares himfelfe very forward on his
tip-toes (as he did ever) and profits or battles foundly, and
is a youth of a good Jize.

Letter.

Great expectations we have of him, that hee will prove an
other Corax or Lacedemonian Ctefiphon for rhethorique,
zvho was banifht becaufe he vaunted he could talke a whole
day of anie thing.

Benti. I would our Gtgrmo Hidruntum were like wife
banifht with him ; for he can hotch-potch whole decades up
of nothing, and talks idlely all his life time.

Letter.

And not much inferiour to Demofthenes, Aefchines, De-
mades, or the melodious recordmg Mufe of Italy, Cornelius
Mufa, Bifhop of Bitonto, or the yet living mellifluous Panca-
rola, who is faid to cafl out fpirites by his powerfull divine
eloquence.

to Saffron- Walden.

7i

Carnead. The fpirit of foolery out of this Archibald Ru-
penrope he fhall never be able to caft, were the jiectar of his
eloquence a thoufand times more fuperabundant, inceffant
founding.

Letter.

When I record (as I doo often) the Jlrange untraffiqii t
phrafes by him now vented and unpackt , as of incendarie
for fire , an illuminarie for a candle and lant-horne , an indu-
ment for a cloake , an under foote abjecft for a fhooe or a
boote , then I am readie (with Erafmus) to cry , Sancte
Socrates ! or (with Ariftotle) Ens entium miferere mei !
what an ingeny is heere ? 0 ! his conceipt is mojl delicate , and
that right well he apprehendeth , having alreadie propofed
high matters for it to worke on ; for ftealing into his ftudy
by chance the other dayy there I found divers epiftles and ora-
tions, purpofely directed and prepared ’ as if he had been
fecretarie to her majeftie for the Latme tongue ; or againjt
fuch a place fhould fall, he would be fure not to be unpro-
vided: as alfo hee had furnifht himfelfe (as if he made no
queftion to be the Univerjitie Orator ) for all congratulations ,
fimerall elegiacall condolments of the death of fuch and fuch
a Doctor in Cambridge ; and which is more , of ever ie Privy
Counfailour in England. You are no fchotler , and therefore
little know what belongs to it ; but if you heard him how fa-
credly hee ends everie fentence with effe poffe videatur, you
would ( like thofe that arrive in the Phillipinas oppreft with
fweete odors ) forget you are mortall, and imagine your felfe
no where but in Paradice. Some there be (I am not ignor-
ant) that upon his often bringing it in at the end of everie
period , call him by no other name , but effe poffe videatur ;
but they are fuch as were never endenizond in fo much arte ,

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as fimiliter definens, and know not the true ufe of numerus
rhetoricus. So upon his firft manumijjion in the myfterie
of logique, becaufe he obferv'd ergo was the deadly clap of the
peece , or driven home ftab of the fyllogifme , hee accuftomed to
make it the faburden to anie thing hee fpake ; as if anie of
his companions complained hee was hungrie , hee would
ftraight conclude ergo, you muft goe to dinner ; or if the
clocke had ftroke or bell tow Id, ergo you muft goe to fuch a
lecture ; or if anie ftr anger faid he came to feeke fuch a one,
and defin'd him he would fhew him which was his chamber,
he would foorthwith come upon him with, ergo he muft go up
fuch a paire of ftaires : whereupon (_ for a great while) he was
cald nothing but Gabrieli Ergo up and downe the coll edge.
But a fcoffe which longer dwelt with him than the reft,
though it argued his extreame pregnancie of capacitie, and
argute tranfperfing dexteritie of paradoxifme, was that once
he would needs defend a rat to be animal rationale, that is,
to have as reafonable a foule as anie Academick, becaufe Jhe
eate and gnawd his bookes, and, except file carried a braine
with her, Jhe could never digefi or be fo capable of learning.
And the more to confirme it, becaufe everie one laught at him
for a common mountebanke rat-catcher about it, the next rat
he feaz'd on hee made an anatomie of, and read a lecture of
3 dayes long upon everie artire or mufckle in her, and after
hangd her over his head in his ftudie, in ftead of an apothe-
caries crocodile, or dride alligatur. I have not yet mentiond
his poetrie, wherein hee furmounteth and difmounteth the
moft heroycalleft Countes Mountes of that craft, having
writ verfes in all kindes ; as in forme of a paire of gloves, a
dozen of points, a paire of fpectacles, a two-hand fword, a
poynado, a coloffus, a pyramide, a painters eazill, a market

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73

croffe , a trumpet , anchor , <2 paire of pot-hookes ; yet I can
fee no authors he hath , more than his owne naturall Genius
or Minerva, except it bee Have with ye to Florida, The
ftorie of Axeres and the worthie Iphijs, As I went to
Walfingham, and In Creete when Dedalus ; a fong that is to
him food from heaven , and more tranf porting and ravifhing
than Platoes Difcourfe of the immortalitie of the J'oule was to
Cato, who , with the verie joy he conceivd from reading there-
of\ wold needs let out his foule , and fo Jlabd himfelfe. Above
Homers or all mens workes whofoever he doth prize it , lay-
ing it under his pillow ( like Homers works ) every night , and
carrying it in his bofome ( next his heart ) everie day. From
the generall difcourfe of his verities, let mee digreffe , and in-
forme you of fome few fragments of his vices ; as lihe a
church and an ale-houfe , God and the divell ', they manie times
dwell neere together. Memorandum : his laundreffe com-
plaines of him that hee is mightie jlefhly given, and that there
had lezvdnes paffed betwixt her daughter and him , if fhe had
not luckcly prevented it by fearching her daughters pocket ,
wherein fhe found a little epitomizd Bradfords Meditations,
no broader volum'd than a feale at armes , or a blacke melan-
choly velvet patch, and a three-pennie pamphlet of The Fall
of Man he had beflowed on her , that he might Jlow her under
hatches in his jludy, and do what he wold with her. In a
waft white leafe of one of which bookes he had writ for his
fentence, or pofie, Nox et amor, as much to fay as 0 for a
pretie wench in the darke ! and underneath , Non funt fine
viribus artus, if thou comft , old laffe, I will tickle thee: and
in the other , Leve fit quod bene fertur onus, that is, we mujl
beare with one another , and Fcelices quibus ufus adeft, ufe in
all things makes perfect. Secondly , he is beyond all reafon ,

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or Gods forbod \ diftradledly enamoured of his own beautie,
/pending a whole forenoone everie day in fpunging and lick-
ing himfelfe by the glaffe ; and ufeth everie night after
/upper to walke on the market hill to J hew himfelfe , holding
his gown tip to his middle , that the zvenches may fee what a
fine leg and a dainty foote he hath in pumpes and pantoffles ;
and if they give him never fo little an amorous regard, he
prefently boords them with a fet /peach of the firfl gathering
together of focieties, and the diftinction of amor and amicitia
out of Tullies Offices ; which if it work no ejfedl , and they
laugh at, he will rather take a raifon of the [unite, aud weare it
at his eare for a favor , than it fhould bee J, 'aid hee would go e
away emptie. Thirdly, he is verie feditious and mutinous in
converfation, picking quarrells with everie man that will not
magnifie and applaud him, libelling moft execrably and inhu-
manely on Jacke of the Falcon, for that he would not lend
him a meffe of mustard to his red herrings ; yea, for a leffer
matter than that on the Colledge dog he libeld \ onely becaufe
he proudly bare up his taile as hee past by him. And fourthly
and laftly, he ufeth often to be drunk with the firrupe or
broth of ftewd prunes, and eateth more bread, under pretence
of fzvearing by it, than would ferve a whole band in the Low
Countries. Thefe are the lea ft portion of his veniall Jinnes ;
but I forbear him, and proceed no further, becaufe I love
him: only I wold wifh you {being his father ) at anie hand to
warne him of thefe matters privately betwixt him and you,
and againe and againe cry out upon him to beware of pride ;
which I more than fatally prophecie will be his utter over-
throw. Yours affuredly, and fo foorth,

Johannes fine nomine ; A nno
Domini, what ye will.

to Saffron- Walden.

7 5

Carnead. What is your cen Jure, you that bee of the common
counfaile ? May this Epiftle paffe or no without a demurre or
firovifo f

Confil. Paffe in the way of paftime, and fo foorth; it being
no indecorum at all, to the Comedie we have in hand, to admit
Piers himfelfe for his tutor , for if he proceed in the fevere
difcipline he hath begun, he is like to humble him, and bring
him to more goodnes than anie tutor or mafter he ever had
since he was borne.

Life.

Leaving his childhood, which hath leave or a lawe of
priviledge to be fond, and to come to the firft prime of his
pamphleting, which was much about the fetting up of the
bull by Felton on the bifhop of Londons gate, or rather fome
prettie while before, when, for an affay or nice tailing of his
pen, he capitulated on the births of monfters, horrible mur-
ders, and great burnings ; and afterward, in the yeare when
the earth-quake was, he fell to be a familiar epiftler, and
made Powles Church-yard refound, or crie twang againe, with
foure notable famous Letters : in one of which he enterlaced
his fhort, but yet fharp judiciall of earth-quakes, and came
verie fhort and fharpe uppon my lord of Oxford in a rattling
bundle of Englilh hexameters. How that thriv’d with him
fome honeft chronicler helpe me to remember, for it is not
comprehended in my braines diarie or ephemerides ; but
this I can j uftifie, that immediately upon it he became a
common writer of almanackes. Tis mervaile if fome of you,
amongft your unfatiable overturnings of libraries, have not
Humbled on fuch an approved architect of calenders, as
Gabriel Freud, the prognofticator. That Frend I not a little
fufpedl (if a man fhould take occafion to trye his Frend)

;6

Have with you

would be found to bee no Freud , but my conftant approved
mortall enemie Gabrieli Harvey. Well, I may fay to you,
it is a difficult rare thing in thefe dayes to finde a true
Freud ; but the probable reafons which drive me to con-
je&ure that it is a falfe Freud which deludes us with thefe
durtie aftronomicall predictions, and that Gabrieli Harvey
is this Freud in a corner, which no man knowes of, be thefe
that follow. Firft, he hath been noted, in manie companies
where hee hath been, very fufpitioufly to undermine, whither
any man knew fuch a fellow as Gabrieli Freud, the prognof-
ticator or no ? or whether they ever heard of anie that ever
faw him or knew him ? Wheretoo, when they all aunfwered
with one voyce, not guiltie to the feeing, hearing, or under-
ftanding of anie fuch J 'tarry noune fubftantive up ftarts me
he (like a proud fchool-mafter, when one of his boyes hath
made an oration before a countrey Maior that hath pleafd)
and bites the lip, and winkes and fmiles privily, and lookes
pertly upon it, as who fhould fay, Coram quem queritis adfum :
and after fome little coy bridling of the chin, and nice fim-
pering and wrything his face 30 waies, tels them flatly that
uppon his credit and knowledge (both which are hardly
worth a candles end to helpe him to bed with) there is no
fuch Quartermajler , or mafter of the 4 quarters, or writer in
redde letters, as that fuppofed flower of frend- ly curtefle,
Gabrieli Freud, the prognofticator; but, to ufe plaine dealing
amongft frends, a frend of his it is he muft conceale, who
thoght good to fhroud himfelfe under that title. Now, if ye
will allow of my verdit in this behalfe, I hold unufquifque
proximus ipfe Jibi, every man is the beft Freud to himfelf ;
and that he himfelf and no other, is that Freud of his he
muft conceale. The 2 argument that confirmes me in this

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77

ftrong article of my creede is, for none is privy to a blank
maintenance he hath ; and fome maintenance of neceffity he
muft have, or elfe how can he maintaine his peak in true
chriftendome of rofe-water everie morning ? By the civil
law, peradventure you will alleage, he fetches it in : nay,
therein ye are deceivd, for he hath no law for that. I will
not deny but his mother may have fu’d in forma pauperis ,
but he never follicited in form of papers in the Arches in his
life. How then doth he fetch it aloft with his poetrie ? DU
faciant laudis fumma Jit ifta fuce : I pray God he never
have better lands or living till he die. Shall I difcharge
my confcience, being no more than (on my foule) is moft
true? The printers and ftationers ufe himas hewer th z Homer
of this age, for they fay unto him, Si nihil attideris , ibis}
Homere, for as: Harvey if ye bring no mony in your purfe, ye
get no books printed here. Even for the printing of this
logger-head legend of lyes, which now I am wrapping up
hot fpices in, hee ran in debt with Wolfe , the printer, 3 6
pound, and a blue coate which he borrowed for his man ; and
yet Wolfe did not fo much as brufh it when hee lent it him,
or preffe out the print where the badge had been. The
ftorie at large, a leafe or two hence, you fhall heare. The
laft refuge and fanCtuarie for his exhibition (after his lands,
law, and poetrie are confifcated) is to prefume he hath fome
privy benefactors or patrons that holde him up by the chin.
What hee hath had of late my intelligence failes me, but
for a number of yeares paft, I dare confidently depofe, not
a bit nor cue of anie benefa6tor or patron he had, except
the butler or manciple of Triniiie Hall (which are both one)
that trufted him for his commons and fizing ; fo that when
I have toyled the utmoft that I can to fave his credite and

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honeftie, the beft wit-craft I can turn him too, to get three
pence a weeke, and keepe the paper foales and upper leather
of his pantoffles together, is to write prognoftigations and
almanackes ; and that alone hath beene, and muft bee, his
beft philofophers ftone till hys laft deftiny.

I was fure, I was fure, at one time or other I fhould take
him napping. O eternall j eft ! (for Gods fake helpe me to
laugh). What a grave Dodtor, a bafe John Doleta , the
almanack-maker, Dodtor Deufe-ace and Dodtor Mery-man ?
Why from this day to proceed, lie never goe into Powles
Church-yard to enquire for anie of his workes, but (where
ever I come) looke for them behinde the doore, or on the
backe-fide of a fcreene (where almanackes are fet ufually) ;
or at a barbers or chandlers fhop never to miffe of them.
A maker of almanackes, quoth a ? God forgive me, they are
readier money than ale and cakes, and are more familiar
read than Tullies familiar epiftles, or the difcourfe of debitor
or creditor, efpecially of thofe that ordinar[il]y write letters,
or have often occafion to paye money. They are the verie
dialls of dayes, the funnes gheffes ; and the moones months-
mind. Here in London ftreets, if a man have bufines to
enquire for anie bodie, and he is not well acquainted with
the place, he goes filthely halpering, and afking, cap in
hand, from one fhop to another, where’s fuch a houfe and
fuch a figne ? But if we have bufines to fpeake with anie in
the fkie, buy but one of Gabrieli Frend or Gabrieli Harveys
almanacks, and you fhall carry the figne and houfe in your
pockets, whether Jupiters houfe, Saturnes houfe, Mars hys
houfe, Venus houfe, or anie hot-houfe or baudyhoufe of
them all. To conclude; not the pooreft walking-mate, or
thred-bare cut-purfe in a countrey, that can well be without

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79

them, be it but to know the faires and markets when they
fall : and againft who dare I will uphold it, that theres no
fuch neceffarie book of common places in the earth as it. As
for example, from London to Yorke , from Yorke to Bar-
wicke , and fo backwardes. It is a ftrange thing I fhould
be fo fkilfull in phifiognomie and never ftudied it. I alwaies
faw in the dodlors countenaunce he greedily hunted after
the high way to honour, and was a bufie chronicler of high
wayes, he had fuch a number of ugly wrinckled high
wayes in his vifage. But the time was, when he would not
have given his head for the wafhing, and would have tooke
foule fcorne that the beft of them all fhould have out-fac’d
him. I have a tale at my tungs-end, if I can happen upon
it, of his hobby-horfe-revelling and dominering at Andley-
end , when the Queene was there ; to which place, Gabrieli (to
doo his countrey more worfhip and glory) came ruffling it
out, huffty tuffty, in his fuite of velvet. There be then in
Cambridge that had occafion to take note of it ; for he ftood
noted, or fcoard, for it in their bookes manie a faire day
after : and if I take not my markes amiffe, Raven , the
botcher by Pembrook-haf (whether he be alive or dead I
know not) was as privie to it, everi e, patch of it from top to
toe, as hee that made it ; and if everie one would but mend
one as often as hee hath mended that, the world would bee
by 200 parts honefter than it is ; yet be he of the mending
hand never fo, and Gabrieli never able to make him amends,
he may bleffe the memorie of that wardrope, for it will be
a good while ere hee meete with the like cuftomer as it was
to him, at leaf! 14 yere together, falling into his hands twice
a yeare, as fure as a club, before every batchelors and matters
commenfment ; or if it were above, it was a generall item to

8o

Have with you

all the Univerfitie, that the do6tor had fome jerking hex-
ameters or other fhortly after to paffe the ftampe, hee
never in all his life (till lately he fel a wrangling with his
fifter in law) having anie other bufmes at London. The
rotten mould of that worme eaten relique (if hee were well
fearcht) he weares yet, meaning when he dies to hang it
over his tombe for a monument ; and in the meane time,
though it is not his lucke to meete with ever a fubftantiall
baudie cafe (or booke cafe) that carries rem in re> meate in
the mouth in it (a miferable, intolerable cafe, when a yong
fellow and a yong wench cannot put the cafe together, and
doo with their owne what they lift, but they fhalbe put to
their booke to confeffe, and be hideoufly perplext) yet I fay
daily and hourely doth he deale upon the cafe notwith-
ftanding. You will imagine it a fable, percafe, which I fhall
tell you, but it is x times more unfallible than the newes
of the Jewes rifing up in armes to take in the Land of Pro-
mife, or the raining of corne this fummer at Wakefield. A
gentleman (long agoe) lent him an old velvet faddle, which
when he had no ufe for, fince no man elfe would truft him
for a bridle, and that he was more accuftomed to be ridden
than to ride, what does me he, but deeming it a verie
bafe thing for one of his ftanding in the Univerfity to be
faid to be yet dunfing in Sadolet , and with all, fcorning his
chamber, fhuld be employed as an oftry preffe to lay up
jades riding jackets and truffes in, prefently untruffeth, and
pelts the out-fide from the lining, and, under benedicite here
in private be it fpoken, dealt verie cunningly and covertly
in the cafe ; for with it he made him a cafe, or cover, for a
dublet, which hath cafed and coverd his nakednes ever fince:
and to tell yee no lye, about two yeare and a halfe paft,

to Saffron- Walden.

8 1

he creditted Newgate with the fame metamorphized coftly
veftiment. As good cheape as it was deliverd to mee (at the
fecond hand) you have it. Nil habeo preeter auditum ; I was
not at the cutting it out, nor v/ill I binde your confciences too
ftridlly to embrace it for a truth, but if my judgement might
ftand for up, it is rather likely to be true than falfe, fince it
vanifht invifible and was never heard of ; and, befides, I
cannot devife how he fhould behave him to confume fuch
an implement, if he confifcated it not to that ufe, neither
lending it away nor felling it ; nor how hee fhould otherwife
thruft himfelfe into fuch a moth-eaten weed, having neyther
money nor frends to procure it. Away, away ! never hauke
nor paufe upon it, for without all par-anters it is fo ; and
let them tattle and prate till their tongues ake, were there
a thoufand more of them, and they fhould fet their wit to
his, he would make them fet befides the faddle, even as he
did the gentleman. A man in hys cafe hath no other Jhift,
or apparaile, which you will, but he muft thus fhift other-
while for his living, efpecially living quiet as he dooth with-
out anie crofses (in his purfe fubaudi) and being free from
all covetous incumbraunces : yet in my fhallow foolifh con-
ceipt, it were a great deale better for him if he were not
free, but crojl foundly, and committed prifoner to the Tower,
where, perhaps once in his life, he might be brought to look
upon the Queenes coine in the Mynt, and not thus be
alwaies abroad, and never within , like a begger. I muft
beg patience of you, thogh I have been fomwhat too tedious
in brufhing his velvet ; but the Court is not yet remov’d
from Audley-end, and we fhall come time enough thether
to learne what rule he keepes.

There did this our Talatamtana , or Dodlour Hum , thruft

M

8 2

Have with you

himfelfe into the thickeft rankes of the noblemen and gal-
lants ; and whatfoever they were arguing of, he would not
miffe to catch hold of, or ftrike in at the one end, and take
the theame out of their mouths, or it fhould goe hard. In
felfe fame order was hee at his pretie toyes and amorous
glaunces and purpofes with the damfells, and putting baudy
riddles unto them. In fine, fome deputations there were,
and he made an Oration before the Maids of Honour, and
not before her Majeftie as heretofore I mifinformedly fet
down, beginning thus :

Nux mulier ajinus Jimili funt lege ligata ,

Hcec tria nil recte faciunt, Ji verb era de/iint.

A nut , a woman , and an affe are like ,

Thefe three doo nothing right , except yon Jlrike.

Carnead. He woidd have had the maids of honor thriftely
cudgeld belike , and lambeaki one after another.

Refpond. They underftood it not fo.

Bentiv. No, I thinke fo, for they underftood it not at all.

Confil. Or if they had, they woidd have driven him to his
guard.

Carnead. Or had the guard driven him downe the ftaires ,
zvith Deiu vous garde, monfieur, goe and prate in the yard
Don Pedant ; there is no place for you here.

Life.

The proces of that Oration was of the fame woofe and
thrid with the beginning; demurely and maidenly fcoffing,
and blufhingly wantoning, and making love to thofe foft
fkind foules and fvveete nymphes of Helicon , betwixt a
kinde of careleffe rude ruffianifme, and curious finicall com-

to Saffron- W alden.

5

plement ; both which hee more exprefl by his countenance,
than anie good jefts that hee uttered. This finifhed (though
not for the finifhing or pronouncing of this) by fome better
frends than hee was worthie of, and that afterwards found
him unworthie of the graces they had beftowed upon him,
he was brought to kiffe the Queenes hand ; and it pleafed
her Highnes to fay (as in my former booke I have cyted),
that he lookt fomething like an Italian. No other incite-
ment he needed to rouze his plumes, pricke up his eares,
and run away with the bridle betwixt his teeth, and take it
upon him (of his owne originall ingrafted difpofition theretoo
he wanting no aptnes) ; but now he was an infulting monarch,
above Monarcha , the Italian, that ware crownes on his
fhooes ; and quite renounft his naturall Englifh accents and
geftures, and wrefted himfelfe wholy to the Italian puntilios ,
fpeaking our homely Hand tongue ftrangely, as if he were
but a raw practitioner in it, and but ten daies before had
entertained a fchoole-mafter to teach him to pronounce it.
Ceremonies of reverence to the greateft ftates (as it were
not the fafhion of his cuntray) he was very parfimonious
and niggardly of, and would make no bones to take the
wall of Sir Philip Sidney , and another honourable knight
(his companion), about Court yet attending, to whom I
wifh no better fortune than the forelockes of fortune he had
hold of in his youth, and no higher fame than hee hath
purchaft himfelfe by his pen ; being the firft (in our language)
I have encountred, that repurified poetrie from arts pedant-
ifme, and that inftruCted it to fpeake courtly. Our Patron,
our Phoebus , our firft Orpheus , or quinteffence of invention
he is ; wherefore, either let us jointly invent fome worthy
fubject to eternize him, or let warre call back barbarifme

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from the Danes, P idles, and Saxons, to fuppres our frolicke
fpirits, and the leaft fparke of more elevated fence amongft
us finally be quenched and die, ere we can fet up brazen
pillers for our names, and fciences, to preferve them from
the Deluge of Ignorance. But to returne from whence I
ftrayd. Dagohert Coppenhagen in his jollitie perfifteth, is
haile fellow well met with thofe that looke higheft, and to
cut it off in three fyllables, follows the traine of the deli-
cateft favorites and minions, which by chaunce being with-
drawne a mile or two off, to one Mafter Bradburies, where
the late deceafed counteffe of Darbie was then harbinged.
After fupper they fell to danfing, every one choofing his
mate as the cuftome is ; in a trice fo they fhuffled the cards
of purpofe (as it wer to plague him for his prefumption)
that, will he nill he, muft tread the meafures about with the
fouleft, fouleft ugly gentlewoman or fury that might be,
(thenwayting on the forefaid counteffe) thrice more deformed
than the woman with the home in her head. A turne or
two hee mincingly pact with her about the roome, and
folemnly kift her at the parting ; fince which kiffe of that
fquinteyd Lamia or Gorgon , as if fhe had been another
Circe to transforme him, he hath not one houre beene his
owne man. For whilft yet his lips fmoakt with the fteame
of her fcortching breath, that partcht his beard like fun-
burnt graffe in the dog-dayes, he ran headlong violently to
his ftudy as if he had bin born with a whirl-winde, and
ftrait knockt n>e up together a poem, calde his Aedes Val-
dinenfes, in prayfe of my L. of Leycefter , of his kiffing the
Queenes hand, and of her fpeech and comparifon of him,
how he lookt like an Italian : what, vide, fayth he in one
place ; Did I fee her Majefty, quoth a ? Imo, vide ipfe lo-

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quentem cum Snaggo, I faw her conferring with no worfe
man then Matter Snagge. The bungerlieft vearfes they
were that ever were fcande, beeing moft of them hought,
and cut off by the knees, out of Virgill and other authors.
This is a patterne of one of them : Wodde, meufque tuufque
fuufque Britannorumque fuor unique, running through all
the pronounes in it, and jumpe imitating a verfe in As in
prefenti, or in the demeanes or adjacents I am certaine. I
had forgot to obferve unto you, out of his firft foure fami-
liar Epiftles, his ambicious ftratagem to afpire, that whereas
two great Pieres beeing at jarre, and their quarrell conti-
nued to bloudfhed, he would needs, uncald and when it lay
not in his way, fteppe in on the one fide, which indeede was
the fafer fide (as the foole is crafty inough to fleepe in a
whole fkin) and hewe and flafh with his hexameters ; but
hewd and flafht he had beene as fmall as chippings, if he
had not played ducke Fryer, and hid himfelfe eight weeks
in that noblemans houfe, for whome with his pen hee thus
bladed. Yet nevertheleffe Syr James a Croft, the olde
Controwler, ferrited him out, and had him under hold in the
Fleete a great while, taking that to be aimde and leveld
againft him, becaufe he cald him his olde Controwler,
which he had moft venomoufly belched againft Dodtour
Perne. Uppon his humble fubmiffion, and ample expofi-
tion of the ambiguous text, and that [at] his forementioned
Mecenas mediation, matters were difpenft with and qualli-
fied, and fome light countenance, like funfhine after a
ftorrne, it pleafed him after this to let fall upon him, and fo
difpatcht him to fpurre cut backe againe to Cambridge.
Where, after his arrivall, to his affociates and companions
he privatly vaunted what redoubled rich brightnes to his

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name this fhort eclipfe had brought, and that it had more
dignified and rail'd him, than all his endevours from his
childhood. With fuch incredible applaufe and amazement
of his judges hee bragd hee had cleard himfelfe, that every
one that was there ran to him and embraft him, and fhortly
hee was promift to be cald to high preferment in court, not
an ace lower than a fecretarifhip, or one of the darks of the
councell. Should I explaine to you howe this wrought
with him, and how, in the itching heate of this hopefull
golden worlde and hony moone, the ground would no
longer beare him, but to Sturbridge Fayre, and up and
downe Cambridge , on his foot-cloth majeftically he would
pace it, with manie moe madde trickes of youth nere plaid
before, in ftead of making his heart ake with vexing, I
fhould make yours burft with laughing. Dodor Perne in
this plight, nor at anie other time, ever met him, but he
would fhake his hand and crie Vanitas vanitatum , omnia
vanitas , Vanitie of vanities, and all things is vanitie !

His father he undid to furnifh him to the Court once
more, where prefenting himfelfe in all the colours of the
raine-bow, and a paire of mouftachies like a black horfe
tayle tyde up in a knot, with two tuffts fticking out on
each fide, he was afkt by no meane perfonage, Unde hcec
infania ? whence proceedeth this folly or madnes ? and he
replied with that wether-beaten peice of a verfe out of the
Grammer, Semel infanivimus omnes , once in our dayes
there is none of us but have plaid the ideots ; and fo was
he counted and bad ftand by for a nodgf combe. He that
moft patronizd him, prying more fearchingly into him, and
finding that he was more meete to make fport with, than
anie way deeply to be employd, with faire words fhooke

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87

him off, and told him he was fitter for the Univerfitie, than
for the Court or his turne, and fo bad God profper his ftu-
dies, and fent for another fecretarie to Oxford.

Readers, be merry ; for in me there fhall want nothing I
can doo to make you merry. You fee I have brought the
Do6tor out of requeft at Court, and it fhall coft me a fall,
but I will get him howted out of the Univerfitie too, ere I
give him over. What will you give mee when I bring him
uppon the ftage in one of the principalleft Colledges in
Cambridge f Lay anie wager with me, and I will ; or if you
laye no wager at all, He fetch him aloft in Pedajztius, that
exquifite comedie in Trinitie Colledge , where, under the
cheife part, from wdiich it tooke his name, as namely the
concife and firking finicaldo fine fchool-mafter, hee was full
drawen and delineated from the foale of the foote to the
crowne of his head. The juft manner of his phrafe in his
Orations and Difputations they ftufft his mouth with, and
no ruffianifme throughout his whole bookes but they bol-
fterd out his part with ; as thofe ragged remnaunts in his
foure familiar Epiftles twixt him and Senior Immerito ,
raptim fcripta , nofti manurn et ftylnm , with innumerable
other of his rabble-routs: and fcoffing his Mufarum La-
chrymce with Flebo amorem meum , etiam Mufarum lachry-
mis ; which, to give it his due, was a more collachrymate
wretched treatife than my Piers Pennileffe} being the pitti-
fulleft pangs that ever anie mans Mufe breathd foorth. I
leave out halfe ; not the carrying up of his gowne, his nice
gate on his pantoffles, or the affedled accent of his fpeach,
but they perfonated. And if I should reveale all, I thinke
they borrowd his gowne to playe the part in, the more to
flout him. Let him denie this (and not damne himfelfe)

88

Have with you

for his life, if hee can. Let him denie that there was a
shewe made at Clare-hall of him and his two brothers,
called,

Tarrarantantara turba tumultuofa Trigonum ,

T ri- Harvey or um , T ri-harmon ia.

Let him denie that there was another shewe made of the
little minnow his Brother, Dodrans Dicke , at Peter-houfe,
called,

Duns furens. Dick Harvey in a frenfie.

Whereupon Dick came, and broke the Colledge glaffe
windowes ; and Doctor Perne (being then either for him-
felfe or deputie Vice-chancellour) caufed him to be fetcht
in, and fet in the ftockes till the shew was ended, and a
great part of the night after.

The firft motive, or caller foorth, of Gabriels English
hexameters was his falling in love with Kate Cotton , and
Widdowes his wife, the Butler of Saint Johns. And this
was a rule inviolate amongft the fraternitie of them ; Ga-
brieli was alwayes in love, Dick ftill in hate, either with
Ariftotle} or with the great Beare in the firmament which
he continually bayted, or with religion, againft which in
the publique fchooles he fet up atheistical queftions, and
befides compared his beard fo Porphirian blafphemoufly, as
I am afraid the earth would fwallow me if I should but
rehearfe. It fell to my lot to have the perufing of a letter
of his to Dodtor Fidke , then lying at a preachers houfe neere
Criplegate, in London , as touching his whole perfecution by
the fellows of the houfe about it, and how, except he had
mercie on him, he were expulft and caft awaye without re-
demption.

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89

The third brother {John) had almoft as ill a name as the
Spittle in Shorditch , for the olde reakes hee kept with the
wenches in Queenes Colledge Lane ; and if M. Wathe his
ancient over-wharter (betwixt whom and him there was
fuch deadly emulation) had bin furnifht with thofe inftruc-
tions therof which I could have lent him, he had put him
downe more handfmoothe than he did, though at a com-
menfment dinner in Queenes Colledge (as apparantly as
might be) he graveld, and fet a ground both him and his
brother Gabienus. This John was hee, that beeing enter-
tained in Juftice Meades houfe (as a fchoole-mafber) ftole
away his daughter, and to pacifie him, dedicated to him an
Almanacke ; which daughter (or Johns wife) since his death,
Gabrieli (under pretence of taking out an adminiftration,
according as fhe in every court exclaimes) hath gone about
to circumvent [her] of al fhe hath : to the which effedl (about
3 yere agoe) there were three declarations put up againft
him, and a little while after I heard there were attachments
out for him : whether he hath compounded fince or no, I
leave to the jurie to enquire.

Pigmey Dicke aforefaid, that lookes like a pound of
gold-fmiths candles, is fuch another Venetian fteale placard
as John was, being like to commit folly the laft yeare in
the houfe where he kept (as a friend of his verie foberly in-
formed me) with a milke-maid ; and if there had not bin
more government in her than in him (for all his diviniti-
fhip) the thing you wote of, the blowe that never fmarteth
had been ftroke, and fhe carried away to Saffron-waldeny
he fending for her to one Philips his houfe, at the figne of
the Bel in Bromley , and there feafting her to that end.
Faft and pray, luxurious vicar, to keepe under thy unruly

N

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Have with you

members, and wrap thee in a monkes cowle, which (they
fay) is good to mortifie ; or drinke of the water of Saint
Ives , by John Bale (out of Romifh authors) produced to be
good againft the temptations of the petticoate ; or (which
exceedeth them both) trie Majler Candijhes roote hee
brought out of the Indies, giv’n him by a venerable hermit,
with this probatum eft , or vertue, that he which tailed it
fhould never luft after : by that token he could meet with
none about Court, or in London , that was content to be an
eunuch for the kingdome of Heaven, or lov’d his pleafure
fo little as to venture upon it. I have not yet feald and
fhakt hands with him for making two fuch falfe prophets of
Saturne and Jupiter, out of whofe jumbling in the darke,
and conjunction copulative, he denounced fuch oracles and
alterations to enfue, as if (like another Thebit Bencorat ) he
had liv’d 40 yere in a mountain to difcerne the motion of
the eighth orbe ; but as he (for all his labour) could not
attaine to it, no more could Dick (with his predictions)
compaffe anie thing but derifion, being publiquely preacht
againft for it at Bowles Crofse by the Bifhop of London that
then was; who (according to arte, if fuch a conjunction had
chanc’d) difproov’d the revolutions to bee cleane contrarie :
and, befides,a fingular fcholler, on eM after Heath, (a follower
of the right honorable and worthie Lord of HunJ don that
now is) fet upon it, and anfwered it in print, pell mell, cape
a pee, by probable reafon, and out of all authors perfpicu-
oufly demonftrating what a lying Ribaden, and Chinklen
Kraga it was, to conftellate and plannet it fo portentoufly.
I am none of the CaJhiers, or Providitores, for lame foul-
diours, or men of defert ; but were I one, as the Athenians
(in the nobleft fchoole of their academy) erected to Berofus>

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91

the aftrologer, a ftatue with a golden tongue, for his pre-
dictions were true ; fo would I largely disburfe toward the
building him a ftatue on Sophifters Hills , by Cambridge ,
with a tongue of copper, or ockamie (neerely counterfetting
filver) fuch as organ pipes and ferjeants maces are made of,
becaufe his predictions are falfe and erroneous. And fo
lightly are all the trade of them, never foretokening or fore-
telling anie thing, till after it be come to paffe : and then, if
it bee a warrior, or conqueror, they would flatter, who is
luckie and fuccesfull in his enterprifes, they fay he is borne
under the aufpicious figne of Capricorne , as Cardan faith
Cofmo de Medicis , Selimus, Charles the fifth, and Charles
Duke o i Burbon were ; albeit, I dare be fworne, no wizardly
aftronomer of them all ever dreamd of anie fuch calculations,
till they had fhewd themfelves fo victorious, and their prof-
perous raignes were quite expired. On the other fide, if he
be difaftrous or retrograde in hys courfes, the malevolent
ftarres of Medufa and Andromeda , inferring fuddaine death
or banifhment, predominated his nativitie. But (I thank
heaven) I am none of their credulous difciples, nor can
they coufen or feduce me with anie of their jugling con-
jecturalls, or winking, or tooting throgh a fix penny Jacobs
Staff e : their fpels, their characters, their anagrams, I have
no more perfwaflon of, than I am perfwaded, that under
the inverted denomination or anagram of this word Septem-
ber, (as fome of our late devines and auncient Hebrue
rabbines would enforce upon us) is included the certaine
time of the worlds firft creation ; or that he which is born
under Aries fhall never goe in a thrid bare cloake, or be
troubled with the rheume, becaufe the funne, arriving in
that poynt, cloatheth the earth with a new fleece, and fucks

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up all the winters fuperfluous moyfture ; or that he which
is borne under Libra fhall bee a judge or juftice of peace,
becaufe the funne in that figne equally poyzeth the daies
and nights alike. Heilding Dick e (this our ages Albumazar )
is a temporift that hath faith inough for all religions, even
as Thomas Deloney , the balletting filke-weaver, hath rime
inough for all myracles, and wit to make a Garland of Good-
will more than the premiffes, with an epiftle of Momus and
Zoylus ; whereas his mufe, from the firft peeping foorth,
hath ftood at Jivery at an ale-houfe wifpe, never exceeding a
penny a quart, day nor night ; and this deare yeare, to-
gether with the filencing of his looms, fcarce that ; he being
conftrained to betake him to carded ale : whence it pro-
ceeded that, fince Candlemas or his jigge of John for the
King , not one merrie dittie will come from him, but The
Thunder-bolt againft Swearers, Repent England, repent, and
Strange judgements of God. No more will there from Dick
quibus in terris, Dick, paftor of Chefelhurfl, that was wont
to pen Gods judgements upon fuch and fuch and one, as
thicke as watermen at Weftminfter-bridge. The miracles
of the burning of Bruftur with his wench in adulterie, he
writ for Binneman ; which a villaine ( Brufturs owne kinf-
man) long afterward at the gallowes tooke uppon him, and
{hewed what ninnies a vayne pamphleter (one Richard
Harvey) had made of the world, imputing it to fuch a won-
derfull vengeance of adulterie, when it was nought but his
murdrous knaverie. Dead fure they are in writing againft
the dead ; dauncing Morifcoes and Lavaltoes on the filent
graves of Plato , Buchanan, Sinejius, Pierius, Ariftotle, and
the whole petigree of the Peripatecians, Sophifters, and
Sorbonifts ; the moft of whofe mouthes clods had bungd up

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93

many Olimpiades fince, yet feeke they to ftifle and choak
them again with wafte paper, when (in thys innovating
felfe-love age) it is difputable, whether they have anie trends
or no left to defend them. This is that Dick , that fet Ai'if-
totle , with his heeles upward, on the fchoole gates at Cam-
bridge, and affes eares on hys head ; a thing, that in perpe-
tuam rei memoriam, I will record and never have done with.
This is that Dick , that comming to take one Smiths (a yong
batchelour of Trinitie Colledge) queftions, and they being
fuch as he durft not venture on, cride, Aquila non capit
mufcas, an eagle catcheth no flies ; and fo gave them him
againe : wheretoo, the other (beeing a luftie big boand
fellow, and a Golias , or Behemoth, in comparifon of him)
ftrait retorted it upon him, Nee elephas mures , no more doth
an elephant ftoope to myce ; and fo they parted. This is
that Dick, of whom Kit Marloe was wont to fay, that he
was an affe, good for nothing but to preach of the iron age :
dialoguizing Dicke, Io Pcean Dicke, Synefian and Pierian
Dick , Dick the true Brute, or noble Trojan, or Dick that
hath vowd to live and die in defence of Brute , and this our
ifles firft offspring from the Trojans : Dick againft baldnes,
Dick againft Buchanan, little and little witted Dicke, Aquinas
Dicke, Lipjian Dick, heigh ! light a love a Dick , that loft his
benefice and his wench both at once ; his benefice for want
of fufficiencie, and his wench for want of a benefice or fuffi-
cient living to maintaine her ; dilemma Dick, diffentious Dick.
With abi in malam crucem, that is, get all thy frends in their
prayers to commend thee, I fhut up the congefted Index of
thy redundant approby, and haft backe to the right wor-
th ipfull of the lawes, M after D. Garropius, thy brother, (as
in everie letter that thou writ’ft to him thou tearmft him,)

Therefore Lip-
fian Dicke,
becaufe lamely
and lubberly
hee ftrives to
imitate and
bee another
Englifh Lip-
fius, when
his lippes hang
fo in his light,
as hee can
never come
neere him.

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who, for all he is a civill lawier, will never be lex loquens , a
lawier that lhall lowd throate it with, Good, my lord, con-
fider this poor mans cafe ! But thogh he be in none of your
courts Licentiate, and a courtier otherwife hee is never like
to be : one of the Emperour Juftinians courtiers (the civill
lawes chiefe founder) malgre he will name himfelfe ; and a
quarter of a yeare fince, I was advertifed, that afwell his
workes, as the whole body of that law compleat, (having no
other employment in his facultie) hee was in hand to tourne
into Englifh hexameters ; and if he might have had his will,
whiles he was yet refident in Cambridge , it lhould have been
feverely ena6ted throghout the Univerfitie, that none fhould
fpeake or ordinarily converfe, but in that cue. For himfelfe,
hee verie religioufly obferv’d it, never meeting anie do6lor
or frend of his, but he would falute him, or give him the
time of the day in it moft heroically, even as hee faluted a
phifition of fpeciall account in thefe tearmes,

N ere can I meet you, fir, but7ieeds muft I veile my bonnet to.

Which he (loth to be behinde with him in curtefie) thus
turnd upon him againe,

Nere can I meet you , fir, but needs muft I call ye knavetto.

Once hee had made an hexameter verfe of feaven feete,
whereas it would lawfully beare but fixe ; which fault a
pleafant gentleman having found him with, wrapt the faid
verfe in a peece of paper, and fent a lowfe with it, inferting
underneath, this verfe hath more feet than a lowfe. But to
fo di6tionarie a cuftome it was grown with him, that after
fupper if he chaunft to play at cards, and had but one queen-
of harts light in his hand, he would, extempore , in that kinde

to Saffron- Walden. 95

of verfe, runne uppon mens hearts and womens hearts all
the night long, as,

Stout heart and fweet hart, yet ftouteft hart to be ftooped.

No may-pole in the flreete,nowether-cocke on anie church
fteeple, no garden, no arbour, no lawrell, no ewe tree, that
he would overflip without haylfing after the fame methode.
His braynes, his time, all hys maintenance and exhibition
upon it he hath confumed, and never intermitted, till fuch
time as he beganne to epiftle it againft mee, fince which
I have kept him a work indifferently ; and that in the
deadeft feafon that might be, hee lying in the ragingeft
furie of the laft plague, when there dyde above 1600 a week
in London, inck-fquittring and printing againft me at Wolfes
in Powles Church-yard. Three quarters of a yere thus
cloyftred and immured hee remained, not beeing able almoft
to ftep out of dores, he was fo barricadoed up with graves,
which befiedged and undermined his verie threfhold ; nor
to open his window evening or morning, but a dampe (like
the fmoake of a cannon) from the fat manured earth with
contagion (being the buriall place of five parifhes) in
thick rouling clowds would ftrugglingly funnell up, and with
a full blaft puffe in at his cafements. Supply mee with a
margent note, fome bodie that hath more idle leafure than
I have at the poft haft hudling up of thefe prefents, as
touching his fpirites yearning empafionment, and agonizd
fiery third: of revenge, that negledled foule and bodies helth
to compaffe it, the helth of his bodie in lying in the hell
mouth of infection, and his foules health in minding any
other matters than his foul ; nay, matters that were utter
enemies to his foul (as his firft offring of wrong, and then

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96

profecuting of it), when his foule and bodie both, everie
hower wer at the hazard poynt to be feperated. The argu-
ment (to my great rejoycing and folace) from hence I have
gathered, was, that my lynes were of more fmarting efficacie
than I thought, and had that fteele and mettall in them,
which pierft and ftung him to the quick, and drove him,
upon the firft fearching of the wounds 1 had giv’n him, to
fuch raving impatience, as he could reft no where, but
through the poyfonfulleft jawes of death, and fire and water,
he would burft to take vengeance, and not onely on the
living but the dead alfo, (as what will not a dogge doo that
is angerd, bite and gnarle at anie bone or ftone that is neere
him) : but rather I deeme that from the harfh grating in his
eares, and continuall crafhing.of fextens fpades againft dead
mens bones (more difmall mufique to him than the voyce
or ghofts hearfe), he came fo to be incenft and to inveigh
againft the dead, therewith they exafperating, and fetting
his teeth on edge, more than hee would. But let that reft,
which would not let him reft : at Wolfes he is billetted,
fweating, and dealing upon it moft intentively ; and for he
would (as nere as was poffible) remove all whatfoever en-
cumbrances, that might alienate, or withdraw, him from his
ftudie, hee hath vow’d (during his abode there) not to have
a denier in his purfe, or fee money, but let it run on the
fcore, and goe to the divell if it will : he is refolute, and
means to trouble himfelfe with none of this trafh : and yet
it is a world to heare how malicious tongues will {launder
a man with truth, and give out, how of one Mighell ' (fom-
times Dexters man in Powles Churchyard, though now he
dwells at Exccter) he fhould borrow ten fhillings to buy
him fhooes and ftockings, and when it came to repayment,

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97

or that he was faine to borrow of another to fatisfie and
paye him (as he will borrow fo much favor of him he nere
faw before) no leffe than halfe a crowne out of that ten
fhillings he forfwore, and rebated him for ufurie. Content
your felf, it was a hard time with him ; let not Mighel and
Gabi'iell (two angels) fall out for a trifle : thofe that be his
frends will conflder of it and beare with him, even as Ben-
jamin, the Founders father who dwels by Fleete-bridge, hath
borne with him this foure yere for a groat which he owes
him for plaifters ; and fo Trinitie Hall hath borne with him
more than that, he being (as one that was fellow of the *
fame houfe of his ftanding informd mee) never able to pay
his commons, but from time to time borne out in almes
amongft the reft of the Fellowes, how ever he tells fome
of his frends he hath an out-brotherfhip, or beads mans
ftipend, of ten fhillings a yeare there ftill comming to him,
and a library worth 200 pound. John Wolfe fayes no-
thing, and yet hee beares with him asrnuch as the beft ; and
if hee had borne a little longer, he would have borne till his
back broke, though Gabrieli lookes big upon it, and pro-
tefts by no bugges, he owes him not a dandiprat, but that
Wolfe is rather in his debt than hee in his, all reckonings
juftly caft. In plaine truth and in verity, fome pleafures
he did Wolfe in my knowledge. For firft and formoft he
did for him that eloquent poft-fcript for the Plague Bills,
where he talkes of the feries, the claffes and the premiffes,
and prefenting them with an exadler methode hereafter, if
it pleafe God the plague continue. By the ftyle I tooke it
napping, and fmelt it to be a pig of his fits Minervarn, the
fow his Mufe, as foone as ever I read it, and fince the
printer hath confeft it to mee. The vermilion wrinckle de

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crinkleduni hop’d (belike) that the plague would proceed,
that he might have an occupation of it. The fecond thing
wherein he made Wolfe fo much beholding to him was,
that if there were ever a paltrie Scrivano, betwixt a lawiers
dark and a poet, or fmattring pert boy whofe buttocks
were not yet coole fince he came from the grammer, or one
that hovers betwixt two crutches of a fcoller and a traveller,
when neither will helpe him to goe upright in the worlds
opinion, and fhuld ftumble in there with a pamphlet to fell,
let him or anie of them but have conjoynd with him in
rayling againft mee, and feed his humor of vaine-glorie,
were their ftuffe by ten millions more tramontane or
tranfalpine barbarous than balletry, he would have prefb
it upon Wolfe , whether he would or no, and giv’n it immor-
tall allowance above Spencer. So did he by that Philiftine
poem of P arthenophill and Parthenope , which to compare
worfe than it felfe, it would plague all the wits of France ,
Spaine , or Italy. And when hee faw it would not fell, hee
cald all the world affes a hundred times over, with the
ftampingeft curling and tearing he could utter it, for that
he having giv’n it his paffe, or good word, they obftinately
contemnd and miflik’d it. So did he by Chutes Shores
Wife , and his Procris and Cephalus , and a number of pam-
phlagonian things more, that it would ruft and yron fpot
paper to have but one Tillable of their names breathed over
it. By thefe complots and carefull purveyance for him,
Wolfe could not choofe but bee a huge gainer, a hundred
marke at leaft, over the fhoulder : and which was a third
advantage to hoyft or raife him, befides the Doctors meate
and drinke, which God payd for, and it is not to be fpoken
of, he fet him on the fcore for fack centum pro cente} a hun-

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99

dred quarts in a feven-night, whiles he was thus faracenly
fentencing it againft mee. Towards the latter end, he grew
weary of keeping him and fo manie affes (of his procuring)
at livery, and would grumble and mutiny in his hearing of
want of money. Tut, man ! mony, would he fay, is that
your difeontent ? Plucke up your fpirites and bee merry, I
cannot abide to heare anie man complaine for want of mo-
ney. Twice or thrice hee had fet this magnificent face
upon it ; and ever Wolfe lookd when hee would have terri-
fide the table with a found knock of a purffe of angels, and
fayd, There’s for thee, paye mee when thou art able ; but
with him there was no fuch matter, for he put his hand in
his pocket but to ferub his arme a little that itcht, and not
to pluck out anie cafh, which with him is a ftranger fhape
than ever Cacus fhrowded in his den, and would make him,
if he fhould chop on anie fuch churlifh lumpe unawares,
to admire and bleffe himfelfe, with

You must
consider it
was the dog
daies, and he
did it to coole
him.

Quis novus his noftris fncceffit fedibus hofpes.

Jefu ! how comes this to paffe ? heere is fuch geere as I
never faw ! So, bleffe himfelfe he could not, but beeing a
little more roundly put to it, he was faine to confeffe, that
he was a poore impecunious creature, and had not trafiiqut
a great while for anie of thefe commodities of Santa Cruz ,
but as foone as ever his rents came up, which he expedted
everie howre (though I could never heare of anie he had,
more than his ten (hillings a yeare at Trinitie Hall, if he
have that) he would moft munificently congratulate, cor-
refpond, and fimpathize with him in all interchangable
viciffitude of kindness ; and let not the current of time
feeme too protradtive, extended, or breed anie difunion be-

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twixt them, for he would accelerate and feftinate his pro-
craftinating minifters and commiffaries in the countrey, by
letters as expedite as could bee. I give him his true dia-
lect and right varnifh of elocution, not varying one I tittle
from the high ftraine of his harmonious phrafe, wherein he
puts downe Hermogenes with his Art of Rhetorique, and fo
farre out-ftrips over-tunged Beldam Roome, or her fuper-
delicate baftard daughter ceremonious diffembling Italy , as
Europe puts down all the other parts of the world in popu-
lous focieties and fertilenes. A gentleman, a frend of mine,
that was no ftraunger to fuch bandyings as had paft be-
twixt us, was defirous to fee how he lookt fince my ftrap-
padoing and torturing him ; in which fpleene he went
and enquird for him : anfwere was made he was but new
rifen, and if it wold pleafe him to ftay, he would come down
to him anon. Two howres good by the clocke he attended
his pleafure, whiles he (as fome of his fellow-inmates have
fince related unto mee) ftood acting by the glaffe, all his
geftures he was to ufe all the day after, and currying and
fmudging and pranking himfelfe unmeafurably. Poft varios
cafus , his cafe of tooth-pikes, his combe cafe, his cafe of
head-brufhes and beard-brufhes run over, et tot difcrimina
rerum , rubbing cloathes of all kindes, downe he came, and
after the bazelos manus, with amplifications and comple-
ments hee belaboured him till his eares tingled, and his
feet ak’d againe. Never was man fo furfetted and over-
gorged with Englifh, as hee cloyd him with his generous
fpirites, remuneration of gratuities, ftopping the pofternes
of ingratitude, bearing the launder too fevere into his im-
perfections, and traverfing the ample forreft of interlocu-
tion. The gentleman fvvore to mee, that upon his firft

to Saffron- Walden.

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apparition (till he difclofed himfelfe) he tooke him for an
ufher of a dancing fchoole ; neither doth he greatly differ
from it, for no usher of a dauncing fchoole was ever fuch a
Bafjia Dona or Baffia de umbra de umbra des los pedes , a
kiffer of the shadow of your feetes shadow, as he is. I have
perufed vearfes of his, written under his owne hand to Sir
Philip Sidney , wherein he courted him as he were another
Cypariffns or Ganimede ; the laft Gordian true loves knot,
or knitting up of them is this :

Sum jecur ex quo te primum Sydnee vidi ,

Os ocidofque regit , cogit amare jecur.

A ll liver am /, Sidney , fence I faw thee ;

My mouth eyes rules it , and to love doth draiv mee.

Not halfe a yeare fince, comming out of Lincolnfeiyre , it was
my hap to take Cambridge in my waye, where I had not
been in fixe yeare before, when by wonderfull deftenie, who
(in the fame inne and very next chamber to mee, parted
but by a wainfcot doore that was naild up, either unwitting
of other) should be lodged but his Gabrielfeiip , that, in a
manner, had liv’d as long a pilgrim from thence as I. Everie
circumftance I cannot ftand to reckon up, as how wee came
to take knowledge of one anothers being there, or what a
ftomaclce I had to have fcratcht with him, but that the
nature of the place hindred mee ; where it is as ill as pettie
treafon, to look but awry on the facred perfon of a dodlour,
and I had plotted my revenge otherwife ; as alfo of a meet-
ing, or conference, on his part defired, wherein all quarrells
might be difcuft and drawne to an attonement: but non vidt
fac, I had ho fancy to it ; for once before I had bin fo

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coufend by his colloging, though perfonally we never met
face to face, yet by trouch-men and vant-curriers betwixt us,
nor could it fettle in my confcience to loofe fo much paines
I had tooke in new arraying and furbufhing him, or that a
publique wrong in print was to be fo fleightly flubberd over
in private, with Come, come, give me your hand, let us bee
frends, and thereupon I drinke to you. And a further
doubt there was if I had tafted of his beife and porredge at
Trinity Hal as he defired, ( notandum eft, for the whole fort-
night together that he was in Cambridge his commons ran
in the colledge detriments, as the greateft curtefie hee could
doo the houfe, whereof he was, to eate up their meate and
never pay anie thing) ; if I had (I fay) rufht in my felfe,
and two or three hungrie fellowes more, and cryde, Doo
you want anie gueftes ? What ! nothing but bare commons ?
it had beene a queftion (confidering the good-will that is
betwixt us) whether he wold have lent me a precious dram
more than ordinarie, to helpe difgeftion : he may be fuch
another craftie mortring druggeir, or Italian porredge fea-
foner, for anie thing I ever faw in his complexion. That
word complexion is dropt foorth in good time, for to de-
fcribe to you his complexion, and compofition, entred I
into this tale by the way, or tale I found in my way riding
up to London. It is of an adult, fwarth, chollericke dye,
like reftie bacon, or a dride fcate-fifh ; fo leane and fo
meagre, that you wold thinke (like the Turks) he obferv’d
4 Lents in a yeare ; or take him for the gentlemans man in
The Courtier, who was fo thin cheekd and gaunt and ftarv’d,
that as he was blowing the fire with his mouth, the fmoke
tooke him up, like a light ftrawe, and carried him to the top
or funnell of the chimney, where he had flowne out God

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103

knowes whether, if there had not bin croffe barres over-
whart that ftayde him : his fkin riddled and crumpled like
a peice of burnt parchment ; and more channels and creafes
he hath in his face, than there be fairie circles on Salsburie
Plaine ; and wrinkles and frets of old age, than characters
on Chrifts fepulcher in Mount Calvarie , on which everie one
that comes fcrapes his name, and fets his marke, to fhewe
that hee hath been there : fo that whofoever fhall behold
him,

Effe putet Boreas, trifle fur cutis opus,
will fweare on a booke I have brought him lowe, and
fhrowdly broken him : which more to confirme, look on his
head and you fhall finde a gray haire for everie line I have
writ againft him ; and you fhall have all his beard white too,
by that time hee hath read over this booke. For his ftature,
he is fuch another pretie Jacke a Lent as boyes throw at in
the ftreete, and lookes in his blacke fute of velvet, like one
of thefe jeat droppes which divers weare at their eares in
ftead of a jewell. A fmudge peice of a handfome fellow
it hath beene in his dayes, but now he is olde and paft his
beft, and fit for nothing but to be a noble mans porter, or
a Knight of Windfor, cares have fo crazed him, and dif-
graces to the verie bones confumed him ; amongft which hys
miffing of the Univerfitie Oratorfhip, wherein do6tor Perne
befteaded him, wrought not the lightlieft with him ; and if
none of them were, his courfe of life is fuch as would make
anie man looke ill on it, for he wil endure more hardnes
than a camell, who in the burning fands will live foure dayes
without water, and feeds on nothing but thiftes and worme-
wood, and fuch lyke : no more doth he feed on anie thing,
when he is at Saffron- Walden , but trotters, fheepes pork-

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nells, and butterd rootes ; and other-while in an hexameter
meditation, or when hee is inventing a new part of Tully,
or hatching fuch another paradoxe, as that of Nicholaus
Copernictis was, who held, that the fun remains immoveable
in the center of the world, and that the earth is moov’d
about the funne, he would be fo rapt that hee would remaine
three dayes and neither eate nor drinke, and within doores
he will keepe feaven yeare together, and come not abroad fo
much as to church. The like for feaven and thirtie weekes
fpace together he did, while he lay at Wolfes coppying
againft mee, never ftirring out of dores or being churched
all that while ; but like thofe in the Weft countrey, that
after the Paulin hath cald them, or they have feene a fpirit,
keep themfelves darke 24 howres : fo after I had plaid the
fpirit in hanting him in my 4 Letters Confuted, he could by
no means endure the light, nor durft venter himfelf abroad
in the open aire for many months after, for feare he fhould
be frefh blafted by all mens fcorne and derifion. My in-
ftrudtions of him are fo over-flowing and numberleffe, that
except I abridge them, my book will grow fuch a bouncer,
that thofe which buy it mult bee faine to hire a porter to carry
it after them in a bafket. For brevitie fake I omit twentie
things, as the conflict betwixt my hofteffe of the dolphin in
Cambridge, and him at my beeing there, about his lying in
her houfe a fortnight, and keeping one of the belt chambers,
yet never offring to fpend a penie ; the hackney-mens of
Saffron- Waldens purfuing him for their horfes, he hiring
them but for three dayes and keeping them fifteene, and
telling him very flatly, when he went about to excufe it,
that they could not fpare them from their cart fo long, they
being cart horfes which they fet him on. The defcription

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of that poore John a Droynes his man, whom he had hyred
for that journey, a great big boand threfher, put in a blue
coate too fhort wafted for him, and a fute made of the inner
linings of a fute turnd outward, being white canvas pinkt
upon cotton ; his intolerable boafting at Wolfes to fuch as
wold hold him chat, and he could draw to talk with him,
that he thought no man in England had more learning than
himfelfe ; hys threatning anie noble-man whatfoever, that
durft take my part, and vowing he would do this and that
to him if he fhould ; his incenfing my L. Mayor againft me
that then was, by directing unto him a perfwafive pamphlet
to perfecute mee, and not to let flip the advantage hee had
againft mee, and reporting certaine words I fhuld fpeake
againft him that Chriftmas at a taverne in London , when I
was in the He of Wight then and a great while after ; his
inciting the preacher at Ponies Croffe , that lay at the fame
houfe in Wood-flreete which hee did, to preach manifeftly
againft M after Lilly and mee, with, Woe to the printer , 7 voe
to the feller , woe to the buyer , woe to the author ! But in
none of thefe will I infift, which are remnants in comparifon
of the whole peice I have to fhew ; only I will have a short
tutch at Wolfes and his parting, and fo make an end of an
old fong, and bid god night to this hiftorie.

Pierfes Supererogation printed, the charge whereof the
Do6tor had promift to defray and be countable to Wolfe
for, amounting (with his diet) to 36 poundes, from Sajfron-
walden no argent would be heard of ; wherefore, downe he
muft go amongft his tenaunts, as he pretended (which are
no other than a company of beggers, that lye in an out
barne of his mothers fometimes) and fetch up the grand
fummes, or legem pone. To accomplifh this, Wolfe procur’d

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him horfes and money tor his expences, lent him one of his
prentifes (for a ferving creature) to grace him, clapping an
olde blue coate on his backe, which was one of my Lord of
Harfords ' liveries (he pulling the badge off) and fo away
they went. Saint Chriftopher be their fpeed, and fend
them well backe againe ! but fo prayes not our Domi-
nico Civilian, for he had no fuch determination ; but as
foone as ever he had left London behinde him, he infinu-
ated with this Juventus , to run away from his matter, and
take him for his good lord and fupporter. The page was
eafily mellowd with his attradlive eloquence, as what heart
of adamant, or enclofed in a crocodyles fkin (which no yron
will pierce) that hath the power to withftand the Mercurian
heavenly charme of hys rhetorique ? With him he ftayes
halfe a yere, rubbing his toes, and following him, with his
fprinkling glaffe and his boxe of kiffing comfets, from place
to place, whiles his matter, fretting and chafing to be thus
colted of both of them, is readie to fend out proceffe for the
Do6tor, and get his novice cride in everie market towne in
Effex : but they prevented him, for the impe or Tripling,
being almott ttarv’d in this time of his beeing with him,
gave him warning he would no longer ferve him, but wold
home to his matter what ever fhift he made. Gabrieli
thought it not amiffe to take him at his word, becaufe his
clothes were all greafie and worne out, and hee is never
wont to keepe anie man longer than the fute lafteth he
brings with him, and then turne him to graffe and get one
in newe trappings ; and ever picke quarrells with him
before the yeares end, becaufe hee would be fure to pay
him no wages : yet in his provident forecaft, he concluded
it better policie for him to fend him backe to his mafter,

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107

than he fhould goe of his owne accord ; and whereas he was
to make a journey to London within a weeke or fuch a
matter, to have his blue coate (being deftitute of ever an-
other trencher-carrier) credit him up, though it were thrid
bare. So confidered, and fo done, at an Inne at IJlington
hee alights, and there keepes him aloofe, London being too
hot for him. His retinue (or attendaunt), with a whole
cloke-bag full of commendations to his mailer, he difmiffeth,
and in ftead of the 36 pounds hee ought him, wild him to
certifie him, that verie fhortly hee would fend him a couple
of hennes to throve with. Wolfe , receiving this meffage,
and holding himfelfe palpablye flouted therein, went and
feed baylies, and gets one Scarlet (a frend of his) to goe
and draw him foorth, and hold him with a tale whiles they
might fteale on him and arreft him. The watch-word giv’n
them when they fhould feaze upon him, was Wolfe (/ mnft
needes fay ) hath ufde you verie grofely : and to the intent he
might fufpedl nothing by Scarlets comming, there was a
kind letter fram’d in Wolfes name, with To the right wor-
fhipfull of the Lazvesy in a great text hand, for a fuperfcrip-
tion on the out-flde ; and underneath at the bottome, Your
worfhips ever to commaund , and preft to doo you fervice , John
Wolfe: The contents of it were about the talking with his
lawier, and the eager proceeding of his After in law againft
him. This letter deliverd and read, and Scarlet and he
(after the tailing of a cup of dead beere, that had flood
pawling by him in a pot three dayes) defcending into fome
conference, he began to finde himfelfe ill apaid with Wolfes
encroaching upon him, and afking him money for the
printing of his booke, and his diet, whiles he was clofe pri-
foner, attending and toyling about it, and obje6ling how

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other men of leffe defert wer liberally recompenft for their
paines, whereas he (whofe worth over-balaunft the proudeft)
muft be conftrained to hire men to make themfelves rich.
I appeale to you (quoth hee) whether ever anie mans
workes fold like mine ? I, even from a childe, good mafter
Dodtor, replide Scarletf and made a mouth at him over his
fhoulder ; fo foothing him on forward till the baylies cue
came of Wolfes abusing him verie grofely , which they not
failing to take at the firft rebound, ftept into the roome
boldly (as they were two well bumbafted fwaggering fat
bellies, having faces as broad as the backe of a chimney,
and as big as a towne bag-pudding) and clapping the
Dodtor with a lufty blow on the fhoulder that made his
legs bow under him, and his guts cry quag againe, By your
leave, they faid unto him (in a thundring yeoman ufhers
diapafon ) in Gods name and the Queenes wee doo arreft
you. Without more paufe away they hurried him, and
made him beleeve they wold carry him into the citie, where
his creditor was ; when comming under Newgate , they told
him they had occafion to goe fpeake with one there; and fo
thruft him in before them for good manners fake, becaufe
he was a Dodtour, and their better, bidding the keeper, as
foone as ever he was in, to take charge of him. Some lofty
tragicall poet helpe mee, that is dayly converfant in the
fierce encounters of Raw-head and Bloody-bones, and whofe
pen, like the plowes in Spayne that often ftumble on
golde vaines, ftill fplits and ftumpes itfelfe againft olde
yron and raking ore, battred armour and broken trun-
cheons, to recount and expreffe the more than Hercu-
lean fury he was in, when hee fawe hee was fo nota-
bly betray d, and bought and folde. Hee fumde, he ftampt,

to Saffron- Walden .

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he buffeted himfelfe about the face, beat his head againft
the walls, and was ready to byte the flesh off his armes, if
they had not hindred him. Out of doores he would have
gone (as I cannot blame him) or hee fwore hee would teare
downe the walls and fet the houfe on fire, if they refifted
him : Whither, quoth he, you villaines, have you brought
mee ? To Newgate, good Mafter Do6lour, with a lowe legge
they made anfwer. I knowe not where I am. In Newgate,
agayne replyed they, good Mafter Do6tour. Into fome
blinde corner you have drawne me to be murdred : to no
place (replyed they the third time) but to Newgate, good
Mafter Do<5lour. Murder ! murder ! (he cryed out) : fome
body breake in, or they will murder mee ! No murder, but
an a6tion of debt, fayd they, good Mafter Do6lour. O
you prophane plebeyans ! exclaymed hee, I will maffacre, I
will crucifie you for prefuming to lay hands thus on my
reverent perfon. All this would not ferve him, no more than
Hackets counterfet madneffe woulde keepe him from the
gallowes, but up he was had and fhewed his lodging where
hee Ihould lye by it, and willed to deliver up his weapon.
That wrung him on the withers worfe than all the reft.
What ! my armes, my defence, my weapon, my dagger ?
quoth hee: my life then, I fee, is confpired againft, when you
feek to bereave me of the inftruments that fhould fecure it.
They ratled him up foundly, and told him if he would be
conformable to the order of the prifon fo it was, otherwife
hee fhould bee forc’t : force him no forces, no fuch mechani-
call drudges should have the honor of his artillery ; marry,
if fome worthy majeftrate came, as their mafter or miftreffe,
it might be uppon good conditions, for his lifes fafetie and
prefervation hee woulde furrender. The miftreffe of the

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houfe (her husband beeing abfent) understanding of his
folly, came up to him, and went about to perfwade him.
At her fight Somewhat calm’d hee was, as it is a true amorous
knight, and hath no power to deny any thing to ladies and
gentlewomen, and he told her if she would command her
Servants forth (whom hee fcornd should have theyr eyes fo
much illuminated as to beholde any martiall engin of his)
hee would, in all humility, difpoyle himfelfe of it. Shee fo
farre yeelded to him ; when, as foone as they were out, he
runs and fwaps the doore to, and drawes his dagger upon
her with, O, I will kill thee ! what could I doo to thee nowe?
And fo extreamely terrified her, that fhee fcritcht out to her
Servants, who burft in in heapes, as thinking he would have
ravifht her. Never was our Tapthartharath (though hee
hath run through manie briers) in the like ruthfull pickle
hee was then, for to the bolts he muft, amongft theeves and
rogues, and taft of the widdowes almes for drawing his
dagger in a prifon : from which there was no deliverance, if
bafely hee had not falne uppon his knees, and afkt hir for-
givenes. Dinner being readie, he was cald downe, and there
beeing a better man than hee prefent, who was plac’d at
the upper end of the boord, for very fpite that hee might
not fit higheft, he Straight flung to his chamber againe, and
vowd by heaven and earth and all the flefli on his backe,
he would famifh himfelfe, before he would eate a bit of
meate as long as hee was in Newgate. How inviolably hee
kept it, I will not conceale from you. About two howres
after, when he felt his craw emptie, and his ftomacke began
to wamble, hee writ a Supplication to his hofteffe, that he
might fpeak with her ; to whome (at her approaching) hee
recited what a rafh vow he had made, and what a commotion

to Saffron- Walden.

i 1 1

there was in his entrayles, or pudding-houfe, for want of
food ; wherefore if fhe would fteale to him a byt fecretly,
and let there be no words of it, hee would, I marry would
hee (when hee was releaft) perfourme mountaines. She (in
pittie of him) feeing him a brain-fickebedlam,and an innocent
that had no fenfe to governe himfelfe, being loth he fhould
be damnd and go to hell for a meales meate, having vowd,
and through famine readie to breake it, got her husband to
go forth with him out of dores, to fome cookes fhop at Pye-
corner there-abouts, or (as others will have it) to the tap-
houfe under the prifon ; where having eaten fufficient his
hungrie bodie to fuftaine, the divell a fcute had he to pay
the reckoning, but the keepers credite muft goe for it. How
he got out of this Caftle Dolorus, if anie be with childe to
know, let them enquire of the minifter then ferving at Saint
Albanes in W ood-ftreet, who in Chriftian charitie, onely for
the names fake (not being acquainted with him before) en-
terd bond for him to anfwere it at law, and fatisfied the
houfe for his lodging and mangerie. But being reftored to
the open aire, the cafe with him was little altred ; for no
roofe had he to hide his noddle in, or whither he might go
to fet up his reft, but in the ftreets under a bulk he fhould
have been conftraind to have kenneld, and chalkt out his
cabbin, if the faid minifter had not the fecond time flood
his friend, and preferd him to a chamber at one Rolfes , a
ferjeants in Wood-ftreetc : whom (as I take it) he alfo pro-
cured to be equally bound with him for his new coufens
apparance to the law ; which he never did, but left both of
them in the lurtch for him ; and running in debt with Rolfe
befide for houfe-roome and diet, one day when he was from
home, he clofely convaid away his truncke foorth of doores,

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and fhewde him a fayre paire of heeles. At Sajfron-zvalden
(for the moft part) from that his flight to this prefent hath
hee mewd and coopt up himfelfe inviflble, being counted
for dead and no tidings of him, till I came in the winde of
him at Cambridge. And fo I winde up his thrid of life,
which, I feare, I have drawne out too large, although in three
quarters of it (of purpofe to curtail it) I have left defcant,
and tafkt me to plaine fong : whereof that it is anie other
than plaine truth let no man diftruft, it being by good men
and true (word for word as I let it fly amongft you) to mee
in the feare of God uttred, all yet alive to confirme it.
Wherefore fettle your faith immoveably, and now you have
heard his life, judge of his dodlrine accordingly.

Carnead. His life and doctrine may both be to us an en-
f ample, for fince the raigne of Queen Gueniver was there
never feene worfe.

Import. Yet for all he is fuch a vaine Bafllifco, and Cap-
taine Crack-ftone, in all his actions and converfation, and
fwarmeth in vile canniball words, there is fome good matter
in his booke againft thee.

Refpond. We will trie that matter immediately ; for my
minde ever giving mee, that wee fhould have you, and fuch
like humorifts of your faction, runne from one matter to
another, and from the matter to the manner, and from the
manner to the forme, and from the forme to the caufe, and
from the caufe to the effedl, I provided to match you at all
weapons. And here, next his life, I have drawen an abridge-
ment, or inventorie, of all the materiall tractates and con-
tents of hys booke.

Import. Then thou haft done well ; for it is it that I all
this while lookt for. I pray thee, let me read it my felfe.

to Saffron- Walden.

1 13

A SUMMARIE, OR BREIFE ANALYSIS, OF SUCH MATTERS
AS ARE HANDLED IN THE DOCTORS BOOKE.

Inprimis , one epiftle, of a fheete and more of paper, to his
gentle and liberall frends, M after Bar nab e Barnes, M after
John Thor ins, M after Anthonie Chute , and everie favourable
reader.

Carnead. O ho ! thofe whom hee calls the three orient wits.
Mine eyes are partly acceffarie unto it. It is to thanke them
for their ciirteous letters and commendatorie fonnets , writ to
him from a farre , as namely , out of the hall into the kitchin
at Wolfes, where altogether at one time they lodged and
boorded : with a great manie maidenly excufes of, Tis more
of your genilenes than my deferving , and I cannot, without
blufhing, repeate, and without Jhame remember. Then he
come[s\ upon thee with, Tie, Tie, Tie.

Refpond. What (hould I fay, I will and commaund, like a
Prince ? hee might as well write againft Poules for having
three iles in it.

Carnead. Hee calls thee the greene popinjay, and faies thou
art thine owne idoll.

Refpond. Let him either ihew how or wherein, or I will
not beleeve him ; and my negative (in any ground in Eng-
land) is as good as his affirmative.

Carnead. And fo proceeds with complement and a little
more complement, and a crujl of quippes, and a little more
complement after that ; then he falls in exhorting thofe his
three patrons to goe forward in maturitie, as they have begun
in pregnancie ; whofe Parthenophils and Parthenopes embel-
lifhcd, and Shores Wife eternized , Jhall everlajlingly tejlifie
what they are.

Have with you

1 14

Refpond. And fo have I teftifide for them what they are,
which will laft time enough.

Carnead. Hee bids Barnabe of the Barnes, bee the gallant
poet like Spencer, or the valiant fouldiour like Bafkervile ;
and ever remember his French fervice under fuch a generall.

Refpond. What his foldiourship is I cannot judge, but if
you have ever a chaine for him to runne awaye with, as hee
did with a noble-mans ftewards chayne at his Lords enftall-
ing at Windfore; or if you would have anie rymes to the
tune of Jlink-a-piffe , hee is for you ; in one place of his
Parthenophill and Parthenope, wifhing no other thing of
Heaven, but that hee might bee transformed to the wine
his miftres drinks, and fo paffe thorough her.

Bentiv. Therein he was verie ill advifde ; for fo the next
time his miftres made water , he was in danger to be caft out
of her favoicr.

Refpond. Of late he hath fet foorth another booke, which
hee entitles no leffe than A devine Centurie of Sonets, and
prefixeth for his pofie,

Altera Mufa venit , quid ni fit et alter Apollo ?

As much to fay, as why may not my mufe bee as great an
Apollo , or god of poetrie, as the proudeft of them ? but it
comes as farre fhort, as Paris Garden cut of the height of
a cammed, or a cocke-boate of a Carricke ; fuch another
device it is as the godly ballet of John Careleffe , or the fong
of Greene Sleeves moralized.

Carnead. For his cavalier flip, fince thou art not inftrudled
in it, let mee tell thee, it is lewder by nine fcore times than his
poetry, fince his doughtie fervice in France five y cares agoe,
I not forgetting him : where , having follozvd the campc for a

to Saffron- Walden.

ii5

weeke or two, and feeing there was no care had of keeping the
Qneenes peace, but a man might have his braines knockt out,
and no juftice or cunj table neere hand to fend foorth precepts ,
and make hiee and crie after the murdrers ; without farther
tarrying or confutation, to the Generali he went, and told
him he did not like of this quarrelling kinde of life; and com-
mon occupation of murdring, wherein ( without anie jurie or
triall, or giving them fo much leave as to faye their praiers )
men were run thorough, and had their throats cut, both
againft Gods lawes, her majeflies lawes, and the lawes of all
nations : wherefore hee defin'd licenfe to depart, for hee ftood
everie howre in feare and dread of his perfon, and it was
alwaies his praier, From fuddain death, good Lord, deliver
us. Upon this motion there were divers warlike knights and
principall captaines, who, rather than they would bee bereav' d
of his pleafant companie, off red to picke out a firong guard
amongft them, for the fafe engarifoning and better fhielding
him from perrill. Two ftept foorth and prefented them] 'elves
as mufkettiers before him, a third and fourth as targettiers
behinde him , a fifth and Jixt vowd to trie it out at the pufh
of the pike before the malicious foe fhould invade him . But
home hee would ; nothing could ftay him, to finifh Partheno-
pliil and Parthenope, and write in praife of Gabrieli
Harvey.

Confil. Hee was wife, hee lov'd no blowes. But what faid
the dodlor to his other two copefmates ?

Carnead. Why, thus: Be thou, John, the many tungd
linguift, like Andrewes, or the curious intelligencer, like Bod-
ley ; and never forget thy N ' ether landifh train e under him,
that taught the prince of Navarre, now the valorous king of
France.

Have with you

1 1 6

Ref pond. Of this John Thorius more fparingly I wil
fpeake, becaufe hee hath made his peace with mee, and
there bee in him fundrie good parts of the tungs and other-
wife, though thirtie parts comming behinde and limping
after Dodtor Androwes : who (if it bee no offence fo to
compare him) is tanquam Paulus in cathedra , powerfull
preaching like Paid out of his chaire ; and his church an-
other Pantheon , or templum omnium deorum , the abfoluteft
oracle of all found devinitie heere amongft us ; hee, mixing
the two feverall properties of an orator and a poet both in
one, which is not onely to perfwade, but to win admiration.
Thorius , being of that modeftie and honeftie I afcribe to him,
cannot but bee irkfomly afhamed, to bee refembled fo
hyperborically, and no leffe agreev’d than matter Bodley (a
gentleman in our common-wealth of fingular defertive
reckoning and induftrie, beeing at this prefent her majefties
agent in the Low Countries) ought he to bee at the hellifh
detefted Judas name of an intelligencer, which the dodtor
in the waye of friendfhip hath throwne upon him. Matter
Bodley calls him rafcall and villaine for his labour, and be-
fore his going over was mad to know where he might hunt
him out to bee revengd : which both hee and Thorius have
reafon for, fince but to be covertly fufpedted for an intelli-
gencer, (much more to be publikely regittred in print for
fuch a flearing falfe brother or ambodexter) is to make
eyther of them worfe pointed and wondered at than a
cuckold or wittall, and fet them up as common marks for
everie jackanapes prentife to kicke, fpit, or throw durt at.
To bee an intelligencer is to have oathes at will, and thinke
God nere regards them ; to frame his religion and alleage-
ance to his prince, according to everie companie he comes

to Saffron- Walden.

7

in : a Jew he is, that but for the fpoile loves no man; a
curre that flatters and fawns upon everie one, low crowching
by the ground like a tumbler, till hee may fpie an advantage,
-and pluck out his throate; an ingratefull flave, that there
fpendeth the bittereft of his venom e, where hee hath received
moft benefites ; a hang-man, that difpatcheth all that come
under his hands ; a drunken ferjeant, or fumner, that could
not live, if (like the divell) hee did not, from time to time,
enquire after the flnnes of the people ; a neceffarie member
in a ftate to bee ufde to cut off unneceffarie members.
Such fame hath he preferd Matter Bodley too, and wifheth
Thorius to emulate. By his Netherlandifh trayne under
him, that taught the prince of Navarre , now the valorous
king of France, is not to bee gathered that hee was fchoole-
fellow to the king of France , as he would faine put the
world in a fooles paradice, becaufe hee hath fonnetted it in
hys praife, but that hee was dodlor Coranus fonne, of Ox-
ford\ who was tutor to the faid king, as well he might bee,
and that no argument his fonne fliould be fo well improov’d
as he is.

Carnead. The lajl of them is Chute, to wkome hee thus
dilateth: Be thou Anthonie the flowing oratour, like Dove ,
and the fkilfull herald, like Clarencius ; and ever remember
thy Portngall voyage under Don Anthonio.

Refpond. Chute ! is hee fuch a high clearke in hys
bookes ? I knew when hee was but a low clarke, and car-
ried an atturnies bookes after him. But this I will fay for
him, though hee bee dead and rotten, and by his obfequies
hath prevented the vengeaunce I meant to have executed
upon him, of a youth that could not underftand a word of
Latine, hee lov’d lycoras, and drunke poffet curd, the beffc

i8

Have with you

that ever put cuppe to mouth : and for his oratorfhip, it
was fuch, that I have feene him non plus in giving the
charge at the creating of a new knight of tobacco ; though,
to make amends fince, he hath kneaded and daub’d up a
commedie, called The Transformation of the King of Tri-
nidadoes two Daughters, Madame Panachea and the
Nymphe Tobacco : and to approve his heraldrie, fcutchend
out the honorable armes of the fmoakie focietie. His voi-
age under Don Anthonio was nothing fo great credit to
him, as a French varlet of the chamber is ; nor did he fol-
low Anthonio neither, but was a captaines boye that fcornd
writing and reading, and helpt him to fet downe his ac-
counts, and fcore up dead payes. But this was our Gra-
phiel Hagiels tricke of Wily Beguily herein, that whereas
he could get no man of worth to crie Placet to his workes,
or meeter it in his commendation, thofe worthleffe whip-
pets and Jack Strawes hee could get, hee would feeme to
enable and compare with the higheft. Hereby hee thought
to connycatch the fimple world, and make them beleeve,
that thefe and thefe great men, everie waye futable to Syr
Thomas Bajkervile , M after Bodley, Do6lor Andrewes, Doc-
tor Dove , Clarencius and Mafter Spencer , had feperately
contended to outftrip Pindarus in his Olympicis , and fty
aloft to the higheft pitch, to fhellifie him above the cloudes,
and make him lhine next to Mercury. Here fome little
digreffion I muft borrow, to revenge his bafe allufion of Sir
Thomas Bajkervile, even as I have done of Do6tor An-
drewes; neither of them being men that ever faluted mee,
or I reft bound unto in anie thing, otherwife than by Do6tor
Andrewes own defert, and Mafter Lillies immoderate com-
mending him, by little and little I was drawne on to be an

to Saffron- Walden.

1 19

auditor of his : fince when, whenfoever I heard him, I
thought it was but hard and fcant allowance that was giv’n
him, in comparifon of the incomparable gifts that were in
him. For Sir Thomas Bafkervile, France , England , the
Low Countries , and India , acknowledged him ; and though
it was never my hap, but once in a young knights chamber
in the Strand (none of my coldeft well-wifhers) to light in
his companie, yet for Syr Roger Williams teftimonie of
him (a noble gentleman that a yeare and a halfe before his
death, I was exceffively beholding too, and on whom I have
vowd, when my bufines are a little overcome, to beftow a
memoriall epitaph, fuch as Plato would in no more but
foure verfes to bee fet upon the graves of the dead) downe
his throate I will thruft this turn-broach comparifon of a
chicken and a chrifome with one of the moft tryed fouldi-
ours of Chriftendome. Do6torZW*?and Clarencius I turne
loofe to bee their owne arbitratours and advocates ; the one
being eloquent inough to defend himfelfe, and the other a
vice roy and next heyre apparant to the king of heralds,
able to emblazon him in his right colours, if hee finde hee
hath fuftained any Ioffe by him : as alfo, in like fort, Mafter
Spencer , whom I do not thruft in the loweft place, be-
caufe I make the loweft valuation of, but as wee ufe to fet
the fumml tot ’ alway underneath, or at the bottome, he
being the fuid tot ’ of whatfoever can be faid of fharpe
invention and fchollerfhip.

Confil. Of the Doctor it may be faid, as Ovid fayth of the
fcritch owle ,

Aliifque (dolens) fit caufa dolendi.

Hee cannot bee content to bee inferable himfelfe , but hee muft

20

Have with you

draw others to mif carrie with him. And as Plato had his
beft beloved boy Agatho, Socrates his Alcibiades, Virgill his
Alexis, fo hath hee his Barnabe and Anthony for his mi-
nions and Jweet-harts : though therein I muft needes tell him
(as Fabritius the Romane confull writ to Pirrhus when hee
fent him back his phijition that ojfred to poyfon hini) hee hath
made as ill choyce of f rends as of enemies ; fe eking, like the
panther , to cure himfelfe with mans dung , and with the verie
excrements of the rubbifheft wits that are , to ref tore himfelfe
to his bloud , and repaire his credit and eftimation.

Bentiv. If his patrons bee fuch Peter Pingles and Moun-
dragons, hee cannot chufe but bee fixtie times a more poore
Slavonian arfe-worme.

Refpond. Tender itchie brainde infants ! they car’d not
what they did, fo they might come in print ; and of that
ftraine are a number of mufhrumpes more, who pefter the
world with pamphlets before they have heard of Terence
Pamphilus , and can conftrue and pearfe Proh dii immor-
tales ; being like thofe barbarous people in the hot countries,
who, when they have bread to make, doo no more but clap
the dowe upon a poaft on the out-fide of their houfes, and
there leave it to the funne to bake : fo their indigefted con-
ceipts (farre rawer than anie dowe) at all adventures upon
the poaftes they clap, pluck them off who’s will ; and if (like
the funne) anie man of judgement (though in fcorne) do
but looke upon them, they thinke they have ftrooke it dead,
and made as good a batch of poetrie as may be. Neither
of thefe princockeffes (Barnes or Chute) once caft up their
nofes towards Powles Church-yard , or fo much as knew how
to knock at a printing houfe dore, till they conforted them-
felves with Harvey , who infedled them within one fortnight

to Saffron- Walden.

1 2 I

with his owne fpirit of bragganifme ; which after fo increafed
and multiplied in them, as no man was able to endure
them. The firft of them (which is Barnes ), prefently uppon
it, becaufe hee would bee noted, getting him a ftrange payre
of Babilonian britches, with a codpiffe as big as a Bolognian
fawcedge, and fo went up and downe towne, and fhewd
himfelf in the prefence at Court, where he was generally
laught out by the noble-men and ladies : and the other
(which is Chute) becaufe Harvey had praifed him for his
oratorship and heraldry, to approve himfelfe no leffe than
hee had giv’n his word for him, fets his mouth of a new key,
and would come foorth with fuch Kenimnawo compt me-
taphors and phrafes, that Edge was but a botcher to him ;
and to emblazon his heraldrie, he painted himfelf like a
curtizan, which no ftationers boy in Poules Church-yard but
difcoverd and pointed at. One of the beft articles againft
Barnes I have overflipt, which is, that he is in print for a
braggart in that univerfall applauded Latine poem of
mafter Campions ; where, in an epigram entituled In Bar-
num , beginning thus,

Mortales decern tela inter Gallica ccefos,

he shewes how he bragd, when he was in France , he flue ten
men, when (fearfull cowbaby) he never heard peice shot off
but hee fell flat on his face. To this effe<5t it is, though
the words fomwhat varie.

Carnead. Alloune, alloune ! Ictus march; and from armes
and Jkirmishing, caft thy felfein the armes of a fweete gentle-
woman, that here , at the end of the epiftle, ftands readie to
embrace thee. Gabrieli calls her the excellent gentlewoman,
his patroneffe , or rather championeffe , in this quarrell , meeter

R

122

Have zvith you

by nature, and fitter by nurture, to bee an inchaunting angell
with a white quill, than a tormenting furie with her blacke
incke.

Refpond. What ! is he like a tinker, that never travailes
without his wench and his dogge ? or like a Germane , that
never goes to the warres without his Tannakin and her
cocke on her fhoulder ? That gentlewoman (if die come
under my fifts) I will make a gentle-woman, as Do6lor
Perne faid of his mans wife,

T unc plena voluptas ,

Cum par iter vidti foemina vir que jacent.

Then it is fport worth the feeing, when he and his woman
lye crouching for mercie under my feete. I will beftow
more coft in belabouring her, becaufe, throughout the whole
pawnch of his booke, hee is as infinite in commending her,
as Saint Jerome in praife of Virginitie ; and oftener men-
tions her, than Virgill and Theocritus Amarillis. In one
place he calls her the one Jhee , in another the credible gentle-
woman , in a third the heavenly plant, in the fourth a new
ftarrc in Cafjiopeia , in the fifth the heavenly creature, in the
fixth a lion in the field of Minerva, in the feventh a right
bird of Mercuries winged chariot, with a hundred fuch like :
he faith, Jhee hath read Homer, Virgill, the divine architipes
of Hebrue, Greeke, and Romane valour, Plutarch, Polien,
Agrippa, Tyraquell.

Bentiv. I have found him ; I have the tract of him : hee
thinkes in his owne perfon if hee fhould raile gr of ely, it will
bee a dij credit to him, and therefore hereafter hee would thrift
foorth all his writings under the name of a gentlewoman ;
who, hozvfoever Jhee fcolds and playes the vixen never fo, wilbe

to Saffron- Walden.

123

borne with : and to prevent that he be not defcride by his
alleadging of authors ( which it will hardly bee thought can
proceed from a womaii) hee cafls forth this Item, that fhe
hath read thefe and thefe books, and is well feene in all lan-
guages.

Confil. Shall we have a hare of him then ? a male one
yeare, and a female another ; or, as Pliny holds there is male
and female of all things tinder heaven, and not fo much but
as of trees and precious Jloanes, fo cannot there be a male
conf utcr, but there mujl be a female conf liter too ; a Simon
Magus, but hee mujl have his whoore Silenes ; an Ariftotle
that facrificed to his harlot Hermia, but euerie Silius Poeta
mujl imitate him ? Doth he, when his owne wits faile , crie
Da Venus confilium ! Holy Saint Venus infpire mee ! But
as Bentivole hath wel put in. Pars minima eft ipfa puella
fui. I beleeve it is but a meere coppy of his countenaunce,
and onely hee does it to breed an opinion in the world, that he
is fuch a great man in ladies and gentlewomens bookes, that
they are readie to run out of their wits for him ; as in the
Turkes Alchoron it is written , that 250 ladies hanged ihem-
J elves for the love of Mahomet, and that, like another Numa
Pompilius, he doth nothing without his nymph Egeria.

Imp. Nay, zy Jupiter joynd with the Moone, Harvey {and
his gentlewoman) confpire again fl thee, and that , like another
Meffier Gallan, the hangman of Antwerp, he hath a whole
burdeil under his governement, it cannot chufe but goe hard
with thee. She vuill fay, as the Italian lady did, Kill my
children as long as thou wilt, here is the mould to make
more.

Confil. We read that Semiramis was in love with a horfe ,
but for a gentlewoman to bee in love with an a ffe is fuch a
tricke as never was.

124

Have with you

Refpond. It would doo you good to heare how he gallops
on in commending her: hee fayes fhee envies none, but art
in perfon and vertue incorporate ; and that fhe is a Sappho ,
a Penelope , a Minerva , an Arachne , a Juno , yeelding to all
that ufe her and hers well ; that fhe Hands upon mafeuline
and not feminine termes ; and her hoateft furie may be re-
fembled to the paffing of a brave careere by a Pegafus; and
wifheth hartily that he could difpofe of her recreations.

Carnead. Call for a beadle and have him away to Bride-
well, for in every fillable he commits letchery.

Refp. He threats fhee will ftrip my wit into his fhirt, were
that fayre body of the fweeteft Venus in print ; and that it
will then appeare, as in a cleare urinall, whofe wit hath the
greene ficknes.

Bent. If fhe ftrip thee to thy fhirt , if I were as thee, I zvold
ftrip her to her fmocke.

Carnead. That were to put that fay reft body of Venus in
print, indeede, with a witnes ; and then fhee never need to have
her water caft in an urinall for the greene ficknes.

Refpond. She may be queene Didoes peere for honeftie,
for anie dealings I ever yet had with her ; but anie gentle-
womans name put in his mouth, it is of more force to dif-
credite it than Licophrons penne was to diferedite Penelope,
who, notwithftanding Homers praifes of her, faith fhee lay
with all her wooers.

Confil. Whether fhee bee honeft or no, he hath done enough to
make her difhoneft ; fince as Ovid writes to a Leno, Vendibilis
culpa fabta puella fua eft, he hath fet her commonly to falein
Poules Church-yard.

Import. Let us on with our index or catalogue, and defcant
no more of her, fince I am of the minde that, for all the

to Saffron Walden.

25

/tonnes and tempefts Harvey from her denounceth, there is no
fuch woman ; but tis onely a fiction of his , like Menanders
fable or comedie, cald Theffala, of women that coidd pluck
back the moone when they lifted; or Ennius invention of Dido,
who, writing of the deedes of Scipio, fir ft gave life to that
legend. The Epifle Dedicatorie paft , the gentlewomans de-
murre, or prologue , ftaggers next after , the fir ft line whereof
is ftolne out of the ballet of Anne Afkew ; for as that begins ,

I am a woman poore and blinde,
fo begins this,

O Mufes, may a woman poore and blinde,
and goes on,

Ift poffible for puling wench to tame

The furibundall champion of fame ?

Bids thee hazard not panting quill thy afpen felfe, calls thee
bombard-goblin, and moft railipotent for everie raine ; then
followeth fhee with a counter fonnet, or correction of her owne
preamble, where there is nothing but braggardous affronts,
white liverd trouts, where doth the uranie or furie ring,
pulcrow implements, Daniers fcar-crow preffe ; and endes
with , Ultrix accindta flagello.

Refpond. Yea, Madam Gabriela, are you fuch an old
jerker ? then, hey ding a ding, up with your petticoate, have
at your plum-tree ! But the ftyle bewraies it, that no other
is this goodwife Megara but Gabriel himfelf ; fo doth the
counter-fonnet and the corredlion of preambles, which is
his methode as right as a fiddle. I will never open my lips
to confute anye rag of it, it confuting it felfe fufhciently in
the verie rehearfall. And fo doth that which is annexed

Have with you

126

to it, of her olde comedie new intituled, where fhe faith her
profe is as refolute as Bevis /word, calls mee rampant beaft
in formidable hide , with I wot not what other Getulian flab-
beries ; fcarre-bugges mee with a comedie which lhee hath
fcrawld and fcribeld up againft mee. But wee (hall lenvoy
him, and trumpe and poope him well enough if the winde
come in that doore, and he will needes fall a comedizing it.
Comedie upon comedie he fhall have ; a morall, a hiftorie, a
tragedie, or what hee will. One fhal bee called the Doctors
dumpe ; another, Harvey and his excellent Gentlewoman ,
Madame Whipfidoxy ; a third, the Triumphes of Saffron-
walden , with the merrie conceipts of Wee three ; or, the three
Brothers ; a fourth, Stoope Gallant , or the Fall of Pride;
the fifth and laft, a pleafant Enterlude of No Foole to the
Old Foole , with a jigge at the latter ende in Englifh hex-
ameters of, O Neighbour Gabrieli ! and, his wooing of Kate
Cotton. More than half of one of thefe I have done alreadie,
and in Candlemas Tearme you fhal fee it adled ; though
better a£ted than hee hath been at Cambridge hee can never
bee, where upon everie ftage hee hath beene brought for
a ficophant and a fow-gelder.

Bent. Wilt thou have nere a plucke at him for Danters
fcar-crow preffe, and fo abufing thy printer ?

Refp. In pudding time you have fpoken : my printer, who
ever, lhall fuftain no damage by me ; and where hee tearm-
eth his preffe a fcar-crow preffe , he shall find it will fcare
and crow over the beft preffe in London , that shall print a
reply to this. Hee that dares moft, let him trie it (as none
will trie it that hath a care to live by his trade, not a hun-
dred of anie impreffion of the Doctors bookes ever felling).
My printers wife, too, hee hath had a twitch at in two or

to Saffron- Walden.

127

three places about the midft of his booke, and makes a
manikin and a shoo-clout of her ; talkes of her moody tung ;
and that fhe wil teach the ftorme winde to fcolde Englifh :
but let him looke to himfelfe, for though in all the time I
have lyne in her houfe, and as long as I have knowen her, I
never faw anie fuch thing by her ; yet fince hee hath giv’n
her fo good a caufe to find her tnng, and fo unjuftly and
defpitefully provokt her, shee will tell him fuch a tale in his
eare, the next time shee meetes him, as shall bee worfe than
a northern blaft to him, and have a hand-full of his beard
(if hee defend not himfelfe the better) for a manikin , or
wifpe, to wype her shooes with.

Import. The Gentlewoman having taken her lenvoy or
farewell , Barnabe Barnes fteps in with , An Epiftle to the
right worshipfull his efpeciall deare Frend, M. Gabrieli
Harvey , Dodtor of the Law.

Rcfpo. It were no booke elfe, if one or other were not
drawne in to call him right worPiipfull ; and when hee
hath no bodie to help him, he gets one of his brothers to
epiftle it to him ; or, in their abfence, faines an epiftle in
their names, where his ftile to the ful shalbe fet in great
letters, like a bill for a houfe to be let ; and uppon paine of
excommunication, with bell book and candle, none of his
brothers muft publish anie thing, but to his dottrel-ship
they muft frame the like dedication.

Import. The tenure of that fcrimpum fcrampum 0/Barnefes
is 710 77iore but this , to exhort the fweet Doctor (as hee names
him) to confoimd thofe viperoiLS criticall monfters , wheretoo
hee is 7nanifeftly urged ; though he bee fitter to encounter
fo7ne more delicate P aranymphes , and honour the Urany of
Du Bartas. Hee hath a fonet with it, wherem hee invokes

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and conjures up all Romes learned orators , fweete Grecian
prophets , philofophers , wifeft ftates-men, reverend generall
councells , all in one , to behold the Do6tors ennobled arts, as
precious Hones in gold. At the foote of that ( like a right
pupill of the Doctors bringing up) hee mferteth his poft-fcript
or correction of his preamble , with a coun ter-fonnet, fuper-
fcribed Nafh, or the confuting Gentleman : in which he be-
fmeares and reviles thee with all the cut purfe names that is
poffible, and fayes hee cannot bethinke him of names ill enough ,
Jince thou raylft at one , whdm Bodine and Sidney did not
flatter.

Refpond. No more will I flatter him, hee may build upon
it. Thus it is : there was fometimes fome prety expectation
of this Patter-wallet and Megiddo , that now I am a falting
and poudring of ; and then Sir Philip Sidney (as he was a
naturall cherifher of men of the leaft towardnes in anie arte
whatfoever) held him in fome good regard, and fo did moft
men ; and (it may be) fome kinde letters hee writ to him,
to encourage and animate him in thofe his hopefull courfes
he was entred into : but afterward, when his ambitious
pride and vanitie unmafkt it felfe fo egregioufly, both in
his lookes, his gate, his geftures, and fpeaches, and hee
would do nothing but crake and parret it in print, in how
manie noble-mens favours hee was, and blab everie light
fpeach they uttred to him in private, cockering and coying
himfelfe beyond imagination ; then Sir Philip Sidney (by
little and little) began to looke afkance on him, and not to
care for him, though utterly fhake him off hee could not,
hee would fo fawne and hang upon him. For M. Bodines
commendation of him, it is no more but this : one comple-
mentary letter afketh another ; and Gabrieli firft writing

to Saffron- Walden.

29

to him, and Teeming to admire him and his workes, hee
could doo no leffe in humanitie (beeing a fcholler) but re-
turne him an anfwere in the like nature. But my yong
Matter Barnabe the bright, and his kindnes (before anie
defert at all of mine towards him might plucke it on or
provoke it) I neither have, nor will bee unmindfull of.

Import. Here is another fonet of his, which hee cals Har-
vey, or The Sweete Do6tour, conjifting of Sidney, Bodine>
Hatcher, Lewen, Wilfon, Spencer ; that all their life time
have done nothing but conjpire to lawd and honour poet
Gabrieli.

Refpond. Miferum eft fuiffe fcelicem ! It is a miferable
thing for a man to be faid to have had frends, and now to
have nere a one left.

Import. What faifl thou to the Printers A dvertifement to
the Gentleman Reader ?

Refpond. I fay, ware you breake not your fhins in the
third line on preambles and poftambles ; and that it is not
the Printers, but Harveys.

Imp. In it he makes mention of Thorius and Chutes fonets
to bee added, prefixed, inferted or annexed at the latter ende.

Refpond. The latter ende ? but the beginning of the tyde,
it may bee, for the flowing.

Import. As alfo a third learned French gentlemans v erf es,
Monfleur Fregevile Gautius, who , both in French and Latine,
hath publisht fome weightie treatifes.

Refpond. Were they weightie treatifes? the printers
purfe never fo ; but in this refpedl they might bee tearmd
to be weightie, that they were fo heavie, they would nere
come out of Poides Church-yard. I will have a found lift
at him anone, for all his mathematical devices of his owne

S

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Have with yon

invention, wherewith hee hath acquainted Ma. Do6lour
Harvey , nothing fo good as a knife with prickles in the
haft, or thefe boyes paper-dragons that they let fly with a
pack-thrid in the fields.

Import. His booke —

Ref pond. Hand off! there is none but I will have the un-
clafping of that, becaufe I can doo it nimbleft. It is de-
vided into foure parts ; one againft mee, the fecond againfl;
M. Lilly , the third againft Martinijls , the fourth againft D.
Perne. Neither are thefe parts feverally diftinguifhed in
his order of handling, but, like a Dutch ftewd-pot, jumbled
altogether, and linfey-wolfey woven one within another.
But one of thefe parts falleth to my fliare, I being bound to
anfwer for none but my felfe ; yet if I fpeake a good word
now and then for my friends by the way, they have the
more to thanke mee for.

Incipit caput primum.

I was ever unwilling to undertake anie thing , &c.

You ly, you ly, Gabrieli: I know what you are about to faye,
but lie fhred you off three leaves at one blowe. You were
moft willing to undertake this controverfy, for els you
would never have firft begun it : you wold never have lyne
writing againft mee here in London , in the verie hart of the
plague, a whole fummer; or after (through your frends in-
treatie) we were reconcilde, popt out your booke againft
me. Now fay what you will of being urgd, loofing of time ,
impudencie and flander, and another table philofophie that ye
fancy, for there is not a dog under the table that will be-
leeve you.

Sa ho ! hath Apuleius ever an atturney here ? One Apu-

to Saffron- Walden.

leins (by the name of Apuleius) he endites to be an engroffer
of arts and inventions, putting downe Plato , Hippocrates ,
A r if to tie y and the paragraphs of JuJlinian. Non eft inven-
tus : there’s no fuch man to be found ; let them that have
the commiffion for the concealments looke after it, or the
man in the moone put for it. Gabrieli cafts a vile learing
eye at me, as who fhould faye, he quipt me fecretly under
it, if he durft utter fo much. Alfo, in that which fucceedeth
of One that is a common contemner of God and man,ftampes
and treades tinder his foote the revereneft old and nezv Writers ,
oppofeth himfelfe againft Univerjities, Parliaments , and Gene-
rali Councells , enclofeth all within his owne braine , and is a
changer , an innovater , a cony-catcher , a rimer , a rayler , that
out-facet h heaven and earth. — But foft you now ! how is all
this or anie part of this to bee prov’d ? Make account he
will (upon his oath) denie it. Hath he fpoken, printed,
written, contrived, or imagined anie thing againft thefe ? or
expreft in his countenaunce the leaft wincke of diflike of
them ? Let fome inftance of that be produced, and he be
not able to refute it. lie undertake for him (which is the
rnoft ignominious impofition he can tie himfelfe to) he fhall
give thee his tung for a rag to wype thy taile with, and
have his right hand cut off for thy mother to hang out for
an ale houfe figne. Cannot a man declaime againft a
Catalonian and a Hethite , a Moabite Gabrieli , and an Amo-
rite Dicke , but all the ancient fathers, all the renoumed
philofophers, oratours, poets, hiftoriographers, and old and
new excellent writers mult bee difparaged and trode under
foote, God and man contemned and fet at nought ? Univer-
fities, Parliaments, Generali Councells oppugned ? And he
muft be another Romane Palemon , who vaunted all fcience

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began and ended with him ? a changer, an innovater, a
cony-catcher, a railer, an out-facer of heaven and earth !

Is there fuch high treafon comprehended under calling a
foppe a foppe, and cudgelling a curre for his fnarling ? Or
is it thus, our iracundious Stramutzen Gabrieli , ftanding
much upon his reading, and that all the libraries of the
auncient fathers, renowmed philofophers, poets, orators,
hiftoriographers, and olde and new excellent writers, are
hoorded up in the Amalthoeas home of his braine, with
whatfoever conftitutions and decretalls of Generali Coun-
cells and Parliaments ? and for he hath comment! in both
Univerfities, therefore he concludes, he which writes
again!! him mu ft write again!! them all, and fo typer confe-
quens) vaunt him above all ; and if he vaunts him above
them all, he is a changer , an innovater , an impofter , a railer
at ally and confounds heaven and earth . This is the tydieft
argument he can frame to make his matter good, though it
followes no more, than that a man fhould bee helde a
traitor, and accufed to have abufde the Queene and Coun-
faile, and the whole ftate, for calling a fellowe knave that
hath read the Booke of Statutes, fince by them all in ge-
nerall they were made.

Carn. Thou art unwise to canuaze it fo much , for hee thrift
it in but for a rhetoricall figure of amplification.

Refpond. Rhetoricall figure ! and if I had a hundred
fonnes, I had rather have them disfigur’d, and keep them at
home as cyphers, than fend them to fchoole to learn to
figure it after that order.

Carnead. You may have them worfe brought up ; for fo you
fhould be fure never to have them counted lyers, fince rhetori-
cians, though they lye never fo grofely} are but faid to have a

to Saffron- Walden.

133

luxurious phrafe , to bee eloquent amplifiers , to bee full of their
pleafant hyperboles , or fpeake by ironies : and if they raife a
fiaunder upon a man of a thing done at home , when hee is a
1000 mile off, it is but Profopopeya, perfonae fidtio, the fup-
pofing or faining of a perfon ; and they will alledge Tully,
Demofthenes, Demades, Aefchines, and fhew you a whole
Talaeus and Ad Herennium of figures for it, four e and fiftie
times more licentious. Thefe arithmetique figurers are fitch ,
like jugling transformers, lying by addition and numeration,
making frayes and quarrelling by divifion , getting wenches
with childe by multiplication, flealing by fubflradtion ; and if
in thefe humors they have confumd all, and are faine to breake,
they doo it by fraction.

Refpond. That laft part of arithmetique (which is fraction,
or breaking,) I intend to teach Gabriel ; thogh to all the
other, as addition, devifion, rebating, or fubftradlion, of his
owne ingrafted difpofition hee is apt inough ; and fo hee is
to multiplication too, hee having, fince I parted with him,
laft got him a gentlewoman.

Bentiv. Both thou and hee talke much of that gentlewoman,
but I would we might know her, and fee her unbufkt and
naked once, as Paris, in Lucians Dialogues, defines Mercury
hee might fee the three goddefses naked that Jlrove for the
golden ball.

Carnead. The Venus fhee is that woidd win it from them
all, if the controverjie were nozv afloate againe : and, which
thou pretermittedfl before, hee puts her in print for a Venus,
yet defires to fee her a Venus in print ; publifheth her for a
firumpet (> for no better was Venus) and yet he woidd have her
a firumpet more publique.

Refpond. By that name had hee not fo publifht her, yet

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Have zv till you

his peacocke-pluming her like another Pandora , (from poets
too parafiticall commending of whome firfl grew the name
of Pandare, though Sir Philip Sidney fetcheth it out of
Plautus) through his incredible praifing of her, I fay,
(wherein one quarter of his book is fpent,) he hath brought
all the world into a perfwafion, that fhee is as common as
rubarbe among phifitions ; fince (as Thucidides pronounceth)
fhee is the honefteft woman, of whofe praife, or difpraife, is
leaft fpoken. My pen, he prodigally infulteth, fhee fhall
pumpe to as drie a fpunge as anie is in Hofier Lane, and
wring our braines like emptie purfes. Idem per idem in
fenfe he fpeakes, though it be not his comparifon, and, Tam-
burlain-\\\z£ , hee braves it indefinently in her behalfe, fetting
up bills, like a bear-ward or fencer, what fights we fhall have>
and what weapons fhe will meete me at

Con. Fafilia, the daughter of Pelagius, king of Spain, zvas
tome in peices by a beare ; and fo I hope thou wilt tear her
and tug zvith her , if Jhe begin once to playe the devill of Dow-
gate : but as there zvas a zvoman in Roome, that had her childe
Jlaine zvith thunder and lightning in her wombe ere Jhe was
deliver dy fo it is like inough hers will bee , and prove an
embrion, and we shall never fee it : or if wee doo, looke for
another armed Pallas iffuing out of Joves braine , or an
Amazonian Hippolite, that will bee good inough for Thefeus;
or the female of the Afpis, who (if her mate be kild by any
paffenger in the way) thorough fire , thorough the thickefl
affembly she will purfue him , or aniething but water.

Bentiv. In fome countreys no woman is fo honourable as
she that hath had to doo with mo ft men , and can give the
luftieft ftriker oddes by 25 times in one night , as Meffalina
did ; and fo it is with this his bratche, or bitch-foxe.

to Saffron- W alden.

135

Confil. Agelaftus, grand-father to Craffus, never taught
bid once in his life , and that was to fee a mare cate thiftles ;
fo this will be a jeft to make one laugh that lyes a dying , to
fee a Gillian draggell taile run her taile into a bufhe of thorites,
becaufe her nailes are not long inough to f cratch it, and play
at wafters with a quit for the britches.

Carn. Multi ilium juvenes, multae petiere puellse, boyes,
ivenches, and everie one purfue him for his beauty.

Non caret efifedtu, quod voluere duo,

Thou canft never hold out, if thou wert Hercules, if two to
one encounter thee.

Refpo. Quis niji mentis inops tenerce declamat amicce.
Who but an ingram coffet would keepe fuch a courting of
a courtezan, to have her combat for him; or doo as Dick
Harvey did, (which information piping hot in the midft of
this line was but brought to mee) that, having preacht and
beat downe three pulpits in inveighing againft dauncing,
one Sunday evening, when hys wench, or frifkin, was footing
it aloft on the greene, with foote out and foote in, and as
bufie as might be at Roger o, Bafilino, Turkelony , All the
flowers of the broom, Pepper is black, Greene Jleeves, Peggie
Ramfay, he came fneaking behinde a tree and lookt on, and
though hee was loth to be feene to countenance the fport,
having laid Gods word againft it fo dreadfully, yet to fhew
his good-will to it in hart, hee fent her 18 pence, in hugger
mugger, to pay the fiddlers : let it fink into ye, for it is true
and will be verefide. Let Gabriel verefie anie one thing fo
againft mee, and not thinke to carrie it away with hys
generall extenuatings, ironicall amplifications, and declama-
torie exclamations. Nor let him muckehill up fo manie

Have with you

136

pages in faying he lookt for termes of aqua fortis , and gun-
powder, and that I have thundred and givn out tragically ,
when nought appeares but the J 'word of cats-meate, and the
fire-brand of dogs-meate, and, Aut nunc aut nunquam , and
tzvo fiaves and a pike. But let him shew what part of that
his firft booke I have not, from the crowne to the little toe,
confuted, and laid as open as a cuftard, or a cowsheard ;
and if my booke bee cats-meate and dogs-meate , his is much
worfe, fince on hys mine hath his whole foundation and de-
pendance, and I doo but paraphrafe upon his text. Some-
thing that he grounds this cats-meate and dogs-meate on, I
will not with-ftand but I have lent him ; as in my Epiftle to
Apis lapis , where I wish him to let Chaucer be new fcourd
againft the day of battaile , and Terence but come in now and
then with the fnujfe of a fentence and Di6tum puta, wee 7
ftrike it as dead as a doore-naile , haud teruntii eftimo, we
have cats-meate and dogs-meate inough for thefe mungrels.
Hence, as if I had continually harpt uppon it, in everie
tenth line of my book he faith, I do nothing but affaile him
with cats-meat and dogs-mcat , when there is not anie more
fpoken of it than I have shewd you. So, Aut nunc aut
nunquam he brings in for a murdring shot, beeing never my
pofie, but, AiU nunquam tentes , aut per fice, at the latter end
of my F our e Letters ; fpeaking to him, that he shuld not
go about to anfwere me, except he fet it foundly on ;
for otherwife, with a found counterbuffe I would make
his eares ring againe, and have at him with two
ftaves to a pike, which was a kinde of old verfe, in re-
quefb before he fell a ray ling at Tubervile or Elderton.
Some Licofthenes reading (which fhowes plodding and no
wit) he hath givn a twinckling glimps of, and like a

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137

fchool-boy faid over his gear to his unckles and kinsfolk,
and tels what authours he hath read, when he floted in the
fea of encounters ; which, for ought he hath alleadgd out of
them, he may have ftolne by the whole fale out of Afcanius ,
or Andrew Matinfells Englifh Catalogue. No villaine, no
atheifl, no murdrer, no traitor, no Sodomite, hee ever read
of but he hath likend mee to, or in a fuperlative degree
made me a monfter beyond him, for no other reafon in the
earth, but becaufe I would not let him go beyond me, or be
won to put my finger in my mouth, and crie mumbudget,
when he had baffuld mee in print throughout England.
The vidtoriouft captaines and warriours, the invincibleft
Ccefars and conquerours, the fatyricallefl confuters, and
Luthers (like whom the Germanes affirme never anie in
their tung writ fo forcible) in an alphabet he trowles up,
and fayes I out-flrip them all, I fet them all too fchoole.
The quorfum , or quare, if you demaund, is this ; I have out-
ftript and fet him to fchoole, and he is fure he is a better
man than anie of them. The verie guts and garbage of his
note-book he hath put into this tallow loafe, and not left
anie Frezeland, Dutch, or Almain fcribe (where they com-
mence, and doo their adtes, with writing bookes) that
hath but fquibd foorth a Latin Puerilis in print, or fet his
name to a Catechifme, uncompared or unfcoard. A true
pellican he is, that peirceth his breaft and lets out all his
bowels to give life to his yong. No author but himfelfe and
Najhe hereafter he can cyte, which hee hath not ftellified
worfe than Sapiens dominabitur aftris, the ordinarie pofie for
all almanackes, or the prefenting of Artaxerxes with a cup
of water, ufde in everie epiftle dedicatorie ; and thofe two
hee hath wrought reafonably upon, having worne the firft

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138

(which is himfelfe) napleffe, and the other owes him nothing.
Againft blafphemous Servetus, or Muretus, or Sunius , that
have been fo bold with her Majefty and this ftate, was thys
inventive of his firft armd and advanced ; which (uppon the
miffing his preferment, or advauncement, in Court) he fup-
preft, and in the bottom of a ruftie hamper let it lye afleepe
by him, (even as he did the advertifement againft Pap-
hatchet and Martin , which he hath yoakt with it, by his
own date, ever fince 89,) and now, with putting in new names
here and there of Najhe and Piers Pennileffe, he hath fo
pannyerd and dreft it that it feemes a new thing, though
there be no new thing in it that claimes anie kindred of
mee, more than a dozen of famifht quips, but like a lofe
French caffock, or gabberdine, would fit any man. Thofe
more appropriate blowes over the thumbe are thefe : my
praifing of Aretine ; fo did he before me, the verie words
whereof I have fet downe in my other booke : my excepting
againft his dodtorfhip ; better do6lors than ever he wil be
put it in my head, and if therein I mifreport, I erre by
authoritie : my calling him a fawne-gueft mejfenger betwixt
M. Bird and M. Demetrius, in the companie of one of which
he never din! d nor fupt this 6 yeres ; and for the other he
never drunke with to this day : He may be a fawn-gueft in
his intent nevertheles, and if he neither eate nor drunck at
M. Demetrius , why did he fo familiarly write to him, M.
Demetrius, in your abfence I found your wife verie curteous f
For a great trefpaffe he layes it to me, in that I have praifed
her Majef ties ajfabilitie towards f\c\hollers, and attributed to
noble-men fo much pollicy and wifdome as to have a privy
watch word in their praifes , and croffing his fleight opmion
of invedlives and fatyres. Like fophifticall difputers that

to Saffron Walden.

139

onely rehearfe, not anfwere, he runs on telling how I have
father d on him a new part of Tully, zvhich he fetcht out of
a wall at Barnwell, even as Poggius in an old monafterie
found out a new part of Quintillian, after it had bin rnanie
hundred yeres loft ; my taking upon me to be Greenes advo-
cate; my threatning fo inceffantly to haunt the civilian and
the devine , that to avoid the hot chafe of my fierie quill , they
fhall be conf trained to enfkonfe themf elves in one of their
phijition brothers old urinall cafes ; my calling him butter-
whore , and bidding him, Rip , rip, y oil kitchin-ftufte wrangler;
my accufing him of carterly derijions and milk-maids girds,
as, Good beare bite not, A mads a man thogh he hath but a
hofe on his head. Pulchre mehercule didtum, fapienter, laute,
lepide, nil fupra, nothing fo good as the jefts of the Councell
table affe, Richard Clarke.

Carnead. Yes; that he doth more than rehearfe, for he
maintains them to be the Ironies of Socrates, Ariftophanes,
Epicharmus, Lucian, Tully, Quintillian, Sanazarius, K.
Alphonfus, Cardan, Sir Th. Moore, Ifocrates : looke the firfl
156 page of his booke, and ye fhal finde it fo.

Bentiv. What, had they no better jefts than Good beare
bite not, or A man is a man though he hath but a hofe on
his head : Pulchre mehercule didlum ! O, difhonor to the
houfe from whence they come !

Refp. Hee chargeth mee, to have derided and abufed the
moft valorous mathematicall arts ; let him fhewe me where-
in, and I will anfwere : of palpable atheif me he condemnes me,
for drinking a cup of lambswool to the health of his brothers
booke , cald The Lamb of God and his Enemies : then, what
atheifts are they that turne it to waft paper, and goe to the
privy with it ? as to no other ufes it is converted, it lying

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dead and never felling : and againe with the atheift he fpur-
gals mee, in that I jefted at heaven , calling it the haven
where his deceased brother is arrived.

Carnead. Is it a jeft that his brother is arriv'd in heaven ?
he is in hell then belike.

Confil. A more likelier peice of atheifme thou maift urge
againft him , where he faith in one leafe , that one acre of
performance is worth twentie of the Land of Promife ; as
though God had not performd to the children of Ifrael the
Land of Promife he vowd to them.

Refp. The deepe cut out of my grammer rules, Aftra
petit difertus , he hits me with : I am forry for it I flanderd
him fo, for he was never eloquent ; if he bee not above the
ftarres, I would hee were. Hee complaines I do o not regard
M. Bird, M. Spencer, Mounfieur Bod in. In any thing but
in praifing him, and therin as Ariftotle non vidit verum in
fpiritualibus, nor Barnard all things ; fo they may have
theyr eyes dazeled. To a bead-roll of learned men and
lords hee appeales, whether he be an affe or no , in the fore-
front of whom he puts M. Thomas Watfon , the poet. A
man he was that I dearely lov’d and honor’d, and for all
things hath left few his equalls in England : he it was that,
in the company of divers gentlemen one night at fupper at
the Nags head in Cheape , firft told me of his vanitie, and
thofe hexameters made of him,

But 0 ! what uewes of that good Gabrieli Harvey,

Knowne to the world for a foole and clapt in the Fleet for a
rimer ?

For the other grave men, they all fpeak as their fore-man.
His imprifonment in the Fleete , he affirmes , is a lewd fup-

to Saffron- Walden .

14

pofall (the hexameter vearfe before prooves it) as alfo his
writing the welwillers Epiftle in praife of himfelfe, before
his firft Fonre Letters a yeare ago. The compofitor that fet
it, fwore to mee it came under his owne hand to bee
printed. Hee bids the world examine the Preamble before
the Supplication to the Divell, and fee if I doo not praife my
felfe; and that the tenour of the flile , and identity of the
phrafe proves it to be mine. He needed not go fo far about
to fent me out by my flile and my phrafe , for if he had ever
overlookt it he would have feene my name to it ; and be-
fides, another argument that he never read it is (which
whofoever fhal perufe it wil finde) it is altogether in my
owne difpraife and difabling, and grieving at the imperfedl
printing and mifinterpreting of it : let him fhewe mee but
one tittle or letter in it tending to any other drift. He
npbraides me by the poore fellow my fathers putting me
to my fcribling fhifts , and how 1 am beholding to the
printing-houfe for my poore fhifts of apparaile : My fa-
ther put more good meate in poore mens mouthes, than
all the ropes and living is worth his father left him,
together with his mother and two brothers ; and (as another
fcholler) he brought me up at S. Johns , where (it is well
knowen) I might have been Fellow if I had would : and for
deriving my maintenaunce from the printing-houfe, fo doo
both univerfities, and whofoever they be that come up by
learning, out of printed bookes gathering all they have ;
and would not have furre to put in their gownes, if it, or
writing were not. But if hee meane that from writing to
the preffe, I fcrape up my exhibition, let him fcrape it
out for a lye, till the impreffion of this book, I having got
nothing by printing thefe three yeres. But when I doo

42

Have with you

Printers beat-
ing with inke
balles.

play my prizes in print, He be paid for my paines, that’s
once ; and not make my felfe a gazing ftocke and a publique
fpe6lacle to all the world for nothing, as he does, that gives
money to be feene and have his wit lookt upon, never
printing booke yet for whofe impreffion he hath not either
paid or run in debt. Printers (above all the reft) have no-
thing to thanke him for, in his Praife of the A ffe, he putting
in the preffe for the arrant eft affe of all, becaufe it is fuch a
meanes to preffe him to death, and confound him. Danters
preffe fweares after three forme a day, fince he hath given
it the preffe and difgrac’t them it will (how ever others ne-
glect it) never have done beating uppon him ; nor hath it
acquited him for calling me Danters gentleman , who is as
good at all times as Wolfes right zvorfhipfull Gabrieli, or
the gentleman he brings in reading a chapter (colledge
fafhion at dinner time) againft Piers and his proceedings ,
and the approbation of his dodlerly reincounter. Applaud
and partake with him who lift, this is my definitive pofition ;
which Anaxandrides , a comick poet, faid of the Aegyptian
fuperftition, Maximam anguillam , quam Deum putant ,
comedo; canem quern colunt verbero : they worth ip the
great eele for a god, which I eate or difgeft ; and the dog
they adore, I fpurne or drive out of dores. Hidras heads I
fhould go about to cut off, (as Tacitus faies of them that
thinke to cut off all difcommodities or inconveniences from
the lawes) if I fhould undertake to run throghout all the fool-
ifh frivolous reprehenfions and cavils he hath in his booke.
I will take no knowledge of his tale of ten egs fora penny , and
nine of them rotten; a gormandizing breakf aft, he faies ,1 was
at of egs and butter ; which if he can name, where, when, or
with whom, I will give him an annuitie of eg-pyes. No

to Saffron- Walden.

M3

more will I of his calling me Captaine of the boyes, and Sir
Kil-prick; which is a name fitter for his Piggen de wiggen,
or gentlewoman : or els, becaufe fhe is fuch a hony fweetikin,
let her bee Prick-madam , of which name there is a flower ;
and let him take it to himfelfe, and raigne intire Cod-piffe
Kinks , and Sir Murdred of placards, durante bene placito, as
long as he is able to pleafe, or give them geare. Like-wife
the captainfhip of the boyes I toffe backe to him, he having
a whofe band of them to write in his praife : but if fo he
terme me in refpedl of the minoritie of my beard, he hath a
beard like a crow, with two or three durtie ftrawes in her
mouth, going to build her neaft. See him and fee him not
I will, about that his meazild invention of the good-wife my
mothers finding her daughter in the oven , where fhe would
never have fought her , if fhe had not been there firjl her
felfe : (a hackny proverb in mens mouths ever flnce K. Lud
was a little boy, or Belinus , Brennus brother, for the love
hee bare to oyfters built Billinfgate) : therfore there is no
more to be faid to it, but if he could have told how to have
made a better lye he would. I will not prefent into the
Arches, or Commiffaries Court, what prinkum prankums
gentlemen (his nere neighbors) have whifpred to me of his
flfler, and how fhee is as good a fellow as ever turnd belly
to belly ; for which fhe is not to be blam’d, but I rather
pitie her, and thinke fhe cannot doo withall, having no other
dowrie to marie her. Good Lord, how one thing brings on
another ! Had it not bin for his baudy After, I fhould have
forgot to have anfwerd for the baudie rymes he threapes
upon me. Are they rimes ? and are they baudie ? and are
they mine ? Well it may be fo that it is not fo ; or if it be,
men in their youth (as in their fleep) manie times doo

He might as
well have cald
it the Coun-
teffeorDuches
T o wne.

1 44 Have with you

Something that might have been better done, and they do
not wel remember.

O yes ! Be it knowen unto all men by thefe prefents,
that whatsoever names of Duns , Affe , or Dorbell I have
giv’n Gabriel Harvey , or of a kitchin Jlujfe wrangler , and
reading the Ledlure of Ram alley, I will ftill perfever and
infift in ; as alfo, that I wilbe as good as my word in de-
fending any (but abhominable atheifts) that Shall write
againft him ; that I wil ftill maintaine there is in Court but
one true Diana , and fo wil all that are true Subjects to her
Majeftie ; that I think as reverently of London as of any
citie in Europe , though I doo not cal it the Madam Towne
of the Realme, as he hath done, and that I hold no place
better governed, how ever in fo great a fea of all waters
there cannot chufe but be fome quickfands and rockes and
Shelves ; that I never fo much as in thought detradled from
Du Bartas , Buchanan , or anie generall allowed moderne
writer, howere Gnimelfe Hengift here gives out, without
naming time, place, or to whome I did, how I vowd to con-
fute them all ; that Maft. Lilly never procur'd Greene or mee
to write againft him , but it was his own firft Seeking and
beginning in The Lamb of God , where he and his brother
(that loves dauncing fo well) fcummerd out betwixt them
an Epiftle to the Readers againft all Poets and Writers ; and
M. Lilly and me by name he be ruffianizd and berafcald,
compar’d to Martin , and termd us piperly make-plaies and
make-bates , yet bad us holde our peace and not be fo hardie
as to anfwere him , for if we did ’ he would make a bloodie
day in Poules Church-yard, and fplinter our pens , til they
ftradled again as wide as a paire of compafses. Further be

to Saffron- Walden . 145

it lcnowen unto you, that before this I praifde him (after a
fort) in an Epijlle in Greenes Menaphon.

Bentiv. But didft thou fo ?

Refpon. O ! what do you meane to hinder my proclama-
tion ? I did, I did, as unfainedly and fincerely as, in his
firft butter-fly pamphlet againft Greene , he praifd me for
that proper yong man , Greenes fellow writer , zvhom {in
fome refpects ) he wifht well to ; as alfo in hys booke he writ
againft Greene and mee he raild uppon me under the name
of Piers Pennileffe, and for a bribe that I lhould not reply
on him praifd me, and reckond me (at the latter end)
amongft the famous fchollers of our time, as S. Philip Sid-
ney■, M. Watfon, M. Spencer, M. Daniell, whom he hartily
thankt , and promifed to endow with manie complements for
fo enriching our Englifh tongue.

Confll. Then, what an affe is hee to call thee an affe for
praiflng him, and after thou hadft praifd him {though it was
but pretie and fo, for a Latine poet after others ) upon a good
turn done him {and no injurie fore-running) to build the
foundation of a quarrell.

Refp. Further than further bee it knowne (flnce I had
one further before) I never abufd Marloe, Greene, Chettle
in my life, nor anie of my frends that ufde me like a frend ;
which both Marlowe and Greene (if they were alive) under
their hands would teftifie, even as Harry Chettle hath in a
fhort note here.

I hold it no good manners (M. Nafhe), beeing but an arti-
ficer, to give D. Harvey the ly , though he have defcrv'd it, by
publifhing in print you have done mee wrong, which privately
I never found : yet to confinne by my art in deed, what his

U

146

Have with you

calling forbids me to affirme in word , your booke being readie
for the preffe, lie fquare and fet it out in pages , that fhall
page and lackey his inf amie after him {at leajl ) while he lives,
if no longer. Your old Compofiter,

Henry Chettle.

Impo. Yes, Greene he convinces thee to have abufed, in
that thy defence of him is a more biting commendation
than his reproofe.

Refpond. It is fo hereticall a falflfier, a man had not need
talke with him without a Bible in the roome ; for it may
be he hath fome care of his oath, if it be not in a matter of
reconciliation, or repaying of money, as to Dexters man :
but his ipfe dixit, his report otherwife, is nothing fo currant
as beggers about the Courts remove. Nere tell me of this
or that he fayes I fpake or did, except he particularize and
ftake downe the verie words, and, catching them by the
throate like a theefe, fay, thefe are they that did the deed ; I
arrefb you, and I charge you all, gentle readers, to aid me.
What truly might be fpoken of Greene I publifht, neither
difcommending him, nor too much flattering him (for I was
nothing bound to him) ; whereas it maye be alleadgd
againft Gabriel, as it was againft Paulus Jovius, Quce ve-
riffime fcribere potuit noluit, et quce voluit non potuit : thofe
things which hee might have related truely hee would not,
and thofe which he would hee could not, for want of good
intelligence. How he hath handled Greene and Marloe,
flnce their deaths, thofe that read his bookes may judge:
and where, like a jakes barreller and a Gorbolone, he girds
me with imitating of Greene, let him underftand, I more
fcorne it, than to have fo foule a jakes for my groaning

to Saffron- Walden.

J4 7

ftoole as hys mouth ; and none that ever had but one eye,
with a pearle in it, but could difcern the difference twixt
him and me ; while he liv’d (as fome ftationers can witnes
with me) hee fubfcribing to me in any thing but plotting
plaies, wherein he was his crafts matter. Did I ever write
of conycatching ? ftufft my ftile with hearbs and ftones ?
or apprentifd my felfe to running of the letter ? If not, how
then doo I imitate him ? A hang-by of his (one Valentine
Bird , that writ againft Greene) imitated me, and would em-
bezill out of my Piers Pennileffe fixe lines at a clap, and
ufe them for his owne. Nay, he himfelfe hath purloyned
fomething from mee, and mended his hand in confuting by
fifteen parts, by following my prefidents. There is two or
three mouth fulls of my Oo yes ! yet behinde, which, after I
have drawne out at length, you fhall feeme (like a crier,
that when he hath done kire-elofoning it, puts of his cap,
and cries God fave the Queene ! and fo fteps into the next
ale-houfe) fteale out of your companie before you bee
aware, and hide my felfe in a clofet, no bigger than would
holde a church Bible, till the beginning of Candlemas
Terme; and then, if you come into Ponies Church-yard, you
fhall meete mee.

Oo yes ! be it knowne, I can ryme as wel as the Dodtor,
for a fample whereof, in Head of his

Noddy Najh , whom everie fwajh , and his occajionall ad-
monitionative Sonnet , his Apoftrophe Sonnet , and tynie tit-
moufe L envoy, like a welt at the edge of a garment, his
goggle-eyde Sonnet of Gorgon, and the Wonderfull Yeare,
and another L envoy for the chape of it, his Stanza declara-
tive, Writers poft-fcript in meeter, his knitting up cloafe, and
a third L envoy, like a fart after a good ftoole ; in ftead of

148

Have with you

all thefe (I fay) here is the tufft or labell of a rime or two,
the trick or habit of which I got by looking on a red nofe
ballet-maker that reforted to our printing-houfe. They are
to the tune of Lahore dolore , or the Parlament tune of a pot
of ale and nutmegs and ginger, or Eldertons ancient note
of meeting the divell in Conjure Houfe Lane. If you hit it
right, it will go marvelloufly fweetly :

Gabriel Harvey , fames duckling ,
hey noddie , noddie , noddie :

Is made a gofling and a J 'uckling,

hey noddie, noddie, noddie.

Or that’s not it ; I have a better.

Dilla , my Doctor deare ,

Jing dilla , dilla , dilla :

Nafhe hath fpoyled thee clear e

with his quilla , quilla, quilla.

What more have I in my Proclamation to yalp out? No
more but this ; that in both my bookes I have objedled
fome perticular vice more againft him tha w pumps andpan-
tqflesy which thofe that have not faith inough to beleeve,
may toote and fupervife when they have any literall idle
leyfure. The Tragedie of Wrath, or Prifcianus Vapidans,
promifed in the epilogue Sonnet of my Foure Letters,
(three or foure words wherof, as Awayte and paint, and
tread 710 common path, he mumbles and chewes in his
mouth like a peece of allom, or the ftone of a horfe plum,
to fucke off all the meate of it) let him take this for it,
whereby I am out of his debt, if not over-plus. And where
he terrefies mee with infulting hee was Tom Burwels the

to Saffron- Walden.

149

Fencers fcholler , and that he will fqueaze and mazer me
whenfoever he met me , why did hee not when hee met me
at Cambridge , we lying backe to backe in the fame inne,
and but two or three fquare trenchours of a wainfcot dore
betwixt us ? By our reconciliation he cannot excufe it,
fince the law-day was out, and the feude open againe by
his breach of truce, and my defiance to him in an Epiftle
to the Reader in Chrifts Tears. But let him henceforth
provide him of two or three fturdie plow men (fuch as his
fwines fact blue-coate was) when I legerd by him in the
Dolphin ; for otherwife not all the fence he learnd of Tom
Burwell fhall keepe mee from cramming a turd in his jawes
(and no other bloud will I draw of him) : I have befpoken
a boy and a napkin already to carry it in. Laft of all,
there is nothing I have bragd of my writing in all humors ,
no not fo much as of his flefhly humours, but fhall be an-
vilde for true fteele on his ftandifh, I making an indenture
twixt God and my foule, to confume my bodie as (lender
as a ftilt or a broome-ftaffe, and my braine as poore and
compendius as the pummell of a Scotch faddle, or pan of
a tobacco pipe, but as the elephant and the rinoceros never
fight but about the beft paftures, fo will I winne from him
his beft patrons, and drive him to confeffe himfelfe a conum-
drum , who now thinks he hath learning inough to proove
the falvation of Lu,cifer ; apologize it for him as many
Chutes , Barneses, or vile friggers, or Fregeuiles , as there
will.

Bentiv. Thou promifedft to have a dead lift at that
Fregeuile.

Refp. I : here I am come to his verfes, but let mee take
them in order as they lie. Thorius is firft, with a Letter
and Sonnet , and Poft-fcript of Chutes.

Have with you

150

Carnead. More poft-fcripts and preambles ! Hath he (as
with his Thrafonifme) infected them all with his methode of
Lenvoyes, Poft-fcripts and Preambles ?

Refpond. From Mafter Thorius I have a letter under his
owne hand, which hee fent mee to be printed, utterly de-
claiming the wrong which the Dodlour (under his name)
hath thrufh out againft mee. This is the counterpaine of it.

To my very good friend M. Nafhe .

Mafter Nafhe : / pray you to let my carriage towardes you
alwaies beget but thus much in your opinion , that I would
never have beene led with fo much indifcretion as to raile
againft any man unprovoked ’ or to offer him wrong that
never offended mee. Tritely , upon the fight of five or fix
fheets of Doctor Harvey es Booke , I wrote certaine verfes in
his commendation ; but that Sonnet which in his booke is Jub-
fcribed with my name is not mine , and I geffe at the mifiak-
ing of it. Indeed the Stanzaes are, though altred to your
dif grace in fome places. To ufe many ivords were vaine,
and to ende writing and leave you unfatisfied , were to write
to no end , and to leave my felfe dif contented. But if you
confider how I was as much offended with the unjufi vaine -
glorious print as your felfe, wee shall both reft contented.
Little did I think the booke should have had fo famous a
title , or fo many prefaces , or fo many letters and preambles ;
among ft which fome of mine, blushing to looke uppon fo con-
temptible a perfon they were directed too , could not but be
exceedingly ashamed to bee prefented to the eyes of a whole
world. I could mifiike other things , but I will leave them as
trifles. Farewell. Yours to ufe,

L. Thorius.

to Saffron- Walden.

i5i

Chute, that was the bawlingeft of them all, and that bobd
me with nothing but Rhenish fnrie , Stilliard clyme , oyfter
whore phrafe , claret fpirit , and ale-houfe paffioiis, with talk-
ing fo much of drinke, within a yere and a halfe after died
of the dropfie, as divers printers that were at his buriall
certefide mee. Beeing dead, I would not have reviv’d him,
but that the Do<5tor (whofe patron he was) is alive to an-
fwere for him. Mounjieur Fregujius , or Mounjieur Fre-
gevile Gautius , that prating weazell fac’d vermin, is one of
the pipers in this confort, and he is at it with his Apologie
of the thrice learned and thrice eloquent Doctour Harvey, be-
fooles and befots mee in everie line, pleads the Doctors inno-
cence, and the lawfulnes of his proceedings , praifeth his mo-
derate ftile, faies he is forie he is fo unjuftly pusht at, and,
being pusht at, glad he hath fo acquited him, and that his
anfwere is reafonable and eloquent .

I am forie I have no more roome to reafon the matter
with him ; for if I had, I did not doubt but to make him a
fugitive out of England as well as he is out of his owne
countrey ; and in this great dearth in England we have no
reafon but to make him a fugitive or banifh him, fince he
is the ravenoufeft floven that ever lapt porredge ; and out of
two noblemens houfes he had his mittimus of Ye may be
gone, for he was fuch a perverfe ramifticall heretike, a
bufie reprover of the principles of all arts, and fower of
feditious paradoxes amongft kitchen boyes.

My clue is fpun, the tearme is at an end ; wherefore here
I wil end and make vacation : but if you wil have a word
or two of Dodlour Perne and Mafter Lilly, in ftead of one
of Gabriels Apoftrophe Sonnets or Lenvoyes by Struthio
Bellivecento de Compaffo Callipero, and the contents of it, I
proteft and adjure you fhall.

152

Have with you

Againft Do<5lor Perne our Poditheck , or Tolmach , hath in
his booke twilted and ftitcht in a whole penny-worth of
paper, which his goffipfhip, that had the naming of the child,
dubs The Encomium of the Foxe. In it he endorfeth him
the pulmg Preacher of Pax vobis and humilitie , (to both of
which Gabrieli alwaies was an enemie, even as Do6lor
Perne was to his love-lockes and his great ruffes and pan-
tofles) the triangle turne-coate , (I wold he had anie coat to
turne but that he weares !) and for triangles, one angle or
corner he wilbe glad of to hide him in after this Booke is
out, and brickil and oven up his {linking breath, (which
fmells like the greafie fnafe of a candle) that I maye not
come within eleven-teene fcore nofe length of it. He brings
in his coffin to f peake ; what a woodden jeft is that! An
apoftata , an hipocryte , a Machavill , a coufncr , a jugler, a
letcher hee makes him , and faies he kept a cubbe at Peter-
houfe ; that his hofpitalitie was like Ember weeke or good
Friday : and if a man fhould have writ againft Sergius , that
was the firft fetter up of Mahomet , he could not have par-
braked more vilenes than he hath done againft him.
Vincit qui patitur he faith (or a great counfeller that gives
that pofie) can unrip the whole packet of his knaverie , mak-
ing him a broker to his fcutcherie. The whole quire
thankes you hartily. Do6lor Perne is cafkt up in lead, and
cannot arife to plead for himfelfe : wherefore this (as dutie
to thofe fome way bindes mee that were fomwhat bound to
him) I wil commit to inke and paper in his behalfe. Few
men liv’d better, though, like David or Peter , he had his
falls ; yet the Univerfitie had not a more carefull father this
ioo yere ; and if no regard but that a chiefe father of our
common-wealth lov’d him, (in whofe houfe he died) hee
might have fpar’d and forborne him.

to Saffron Walden.

153

His hofpitalitie was as great as hath bin kept before, or
ever fince, upon the place he had ; and for his wit and
learning, they that miflike want the like wit and learning,
or elfe they would have more judgement to difcerne of it.
For Mafter Lillie (who is halves with me in this indignitie
that is offred) I will not take the tale out of his mouth, for
he is better able to defend himfelfe than I am able to fay
he is able to defend himfelfe, and in as much time as hee
fpendes on taking tobacco one weeke, he can compile that
which would make Gabrieli repent himfelfe all his life
after. With a blacke fant he meanes fhortly to bee at his
chamber window, for calling him the fiddlcjlicke of Oxford.
In that he twatleth, it had bin better to have confuted Mar-
tin by Reverend Cooper than fuch levitie, tell mee why
was hee not then confuted by Reverend Coopery or made to
hold his peace, till Mafter Lillie , and fome others, with
their pens drew upon him ? A day after the faire when he
is hangd Harvey takes him in hand, but if he had beene
alive now, even as he writ More Worke for the Cooper , fo
would hee have writte Harveys whoope diddle , or the non-
futing , or uncafing of the animadvertifer. I have a laughing
hickocke to heare him faye, hee was once fufpected for
Martin, when there is nere a purfivant in England, in the
pulling on his boots, ever thought of him or imputed to him
fo much wit. The bangingeft thinges which I can picke
out, wherein he hath feftered Martin , or defended bifhops,
are thefe : For a poliflied file few goe beyond Cartwright ;
his rayling at mee , for fpeaking againff Bezay the grand
Champion againft Bifhops ; his malicious defamation of
Do6tour Perne ; where, after hee hath polluted him with all
the fcandale hee could, hee faies, The clergie never wanted

x

*54

Have with you

excellent fortune-wrights , and he zvas one of the cheefeft ; as
though the Church of England were upheld and atlaffed by
corruption, Machavelifme, apoftatifme, hipocryfie and trea-
cherie : in all thefe hee, making him notorious in the higheft
kinde, dooth give out, that he was one of the Churches cheife
fortune-wrights ; and befides (to mend the matter) he afks,
What bifhop or politician in England was fo great a tempo-
rifer as hee ? I hope there be fome bifhops within the com-
paffe of the two metropolitaine feas, that can fifh out a
fhamefull meaning out of this word temporifer , and doo
difdaine their high calling fhould be fo gnathonically com-
par’d ; for fuch is a temporifer , and with their profeffion it
ftands to bee no ftate politicians, but onelyto meddle with
the ftate of heav’n. Then he hath a tale out of Pontane
againft Bifhops, for their riding upon horfes , and not affes
as Chrift did : afwel he might reftrain them to ride upon
mares, as John Bale faith our Englifh bifhops wer limitted
too heretofore. Such another tale of a horfe hee hath of
Gelo, a Tyrant of Sicily , whom he termes the politique
tyrant, for bringing in his great horfe , inftead of a harper,
into his banquetiing-houfe , to dung and ftale amongft his
guefts. It is a ftale ftinking Apotheg ; but Bene olet
hoftis interfectus (as Vitellius faid) ; the fweete faver of an
enemie flaine takes away the fmell of it.

More battring engins 1 had in a readines prepared to
shake his walles , which I keepe backe till the next Tear me,
meaning to inf ert them in my Foure Letters Confuted, which
then is to be renewed and reprinted againe.

So be your leave God be with you. I was bold to call in,
SpeCtatores, the faults efcaped in the printing ; I wish [they\
may likewif e ef cape you in reading. In the Epi} 'tie Dedicatone

to Saffron- Walden.

55

correct Willington, and pat in Williamfon : in the midft of
the Booke vide 7nake vidi : about the latter end ftellified ftali-
fied, and Sunius Surius : with as many other words , or let-
ters too much, or too wanting, as ye will.

The Paradoxe of the Affe, M. Lilly hath wrought uppon;
as alfo to him I turne over the Doctors Apothecarie tearmes
he hath ufed throughout, and more efpecially in his laft
Epiftle of notable Contents.

Herewith the Court breakes up and goes to dinner, all
generally conchiding with Trajan, The Gods never fuffer
anic to be over-come in battail but thofe that are enemies to
peace. Tit mihi criminis

A uthor.

FINIS.