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" And Oloftt bethoKght liun, and he haitemd and climhai up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the smoke
spread over a great extent of country ; and, as he eonsidered it more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke
assumed a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw shadoived out palaces and domes and lofty spires."
HISTORY
OF
NEW YORK
FROM
%\)t jSeginntng of tf)e ISEorHi
TO
THE END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY
Containing, among Many Surprising and Curious Matters, the
Unutterable Panderings oi Walter the T>ovv,T}iK,X.ht Disastrous ProjeSls oi Wil-
liam THK TL^Lv,and the Chivalric Achievements of Peter the Headstrong
— the Three Dutch Governors of New Amsterdam; Being the Only Authen-
tic History of the Times that Ever Hath Been or Ever Will Be Published
By DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER
£)e toaarftciD Die in Duister lag
"Diz bomt met flaarfteiD aan Den Dag
The whole Embellish'd by Eight PiSiures from the Hand of
MAXFIELD PARRISH, ESQ^"^
iBeto gorfe : Published by la. ^. iau00ell
ANNO DOMINI, MCM
>2432
il-ibr»(ry of ConQf^sB
SEP 27 1900
Co|yri|ht mAif
fynp
Str.(^NO COPY
Drtivt>M< tP
OfiOER DlVIStON,
-OCT 23 I9nil
Copyright, 1900, /h' /^. H. Russell
We take pleasure in granting such authorization as may be in order on the part of
the authorized publishers of The Complete and Revised Works of Washington
Irving for the issue of the special edition of the Knickerbocker History of New
York.
G. P. Putnam's Sons.
February 3, 1900.
Printed by D. B. Updike, The Merrymount Press, Boston
UHHUUUiUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
A Table of Contents
INCLUDING THE AUTHOR'S APOLOGY; ACCOUNT OF THE
AUTHOR; TO THE PUBLIC; ORIGINAL ADVERTISEMENTS
iS ti i
CONTJININq DONERS INgENIOUS THEORIES JND THILOSOTHIC
STECULJTIONS CONCERNINQ THE CREJTIOCNi '^^'^ TOTUL.JTIOD^
OF THE IVORLT), JS CONNECTE'D WITH THE HISTORT OF NEW YORK^
Chapter 1. — Description of the World. i
Chapter II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the World; with a Multitude
of Excellent Theories by which the Creation of a World is shown to be no such Difficult
Matter as Common Folk would imagine. 6
Chapter III. — How that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully nick-
named, and how he committed an unpardonable Oversight in not having four Sons ;
with the great trouble of Philosophers caused thereby, and the Discovery of America. i 2
Chapter IV. — Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had in
peopling America, and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Accident — to the great
relief and satisfaftion of the Author. I 6
Chapter V. — In which the Author puts a Mighty Question to the rout,
by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon, — which not only delivers Thousands of People
from great Embarrassment, but likewise concludes this Introduftory Book. 2 I
jl IK it
TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCE OF
NIEUW-NEDERLANDTS
Chapter I. — In which are contained Divers Reasons why a Man should
not write in a hurry ; also, of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Discovery of a Strange Country,
and how he was magnificently rewarded by the Munificence of their High Mightinesses. -? r
Chapter II. — Containing an Account of a mighty Ark which floated,
under the proteftion of St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island ; the descent of the
strange Animals therefrom ; a great Viftory, and a Description of the Ancient Village of
Coramunipaw. ^2
Chapter III. — In which is set forth the True Art of making a Bargain,
together with the Miraculous Escape of a Great Metropolis in a Fog, and the Biography of
certain Heroes of Communipaw. ai
Chapter IV. — How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate,
and how they were received There. r 2
Chapter V. — How the Heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat
wiser than they went, and how the Sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream, and the Dream that he
dreamed. ro
Chapter VI. — Containing an Attempt at Etymology, and of the Found-
ing of the Great City of New Amsterdam. 62
[ V ]
A T'ahle of Contents
Chapter VII. — How the People of Pavonia migrated from Communipaw
to the Island of Manna-hata, and how Oloffe the Dreamer proved himself a Great Land-
Speculator. 64
Chapter VIII. — Of the Founding and Naming of the New City; of the
City Arms; and of the Direful Feud between Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. 66
Chapter IX. — How the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the
Proteftion of St. Nicholas and the Absence of Laws and Statutes ; how OlofFe the Dreamer
began to Dream of an extension of Empire, and of the Effeft of his Dreams. yo
i$ & t t i
IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OF WOUTER i'AN
TWILLER
Chapter I. — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled
Virtues — as likewise his unutterable Wisdom in the Law-Case of Wandle Schoonhoven and
Barent Bleecker, and the great Admiration of the Public thereat. yy
Chapter II. — Containing some Account of the Grand Council of New
Amsterdam ; as also divers especial good Philosophical Reasons why an Alderman should be
Fat ; with other Particulars touching the State of the Province. 83
Chapter III. — How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of Mud,
and came to be marvellously Polished and Polite ; Together with a Pifture of the Manners
of our Great-Great-Grandfathers. 90
Chapter IV. — Containing further Particulars of the Golden Age, and
what constituted a Fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter the Doubter. 5^
Chapter V. — Of the Founding of Fort Aurania ; of the Mysteries of the
Hudson; of the Arrival of the Patroon Killian Van Rensellaer — his lordly descent upon
the Earth, and his Introduftion of Club-Law. 99
Chapter VI. — In which the Reader is beguiled into a delegable Walk,
which ends very differently from what it commenced. lOI
Chapter VII. — Faithfully describing the Ingenious People of Connecti-
cut and thereabouts — showing, moreover, the true meaning of Liberty of Conscience, and a
curious device among these sturdy Barbarians, to keep up a Harmony of Intercourse and
promote Population. IO5
Chapter VIII. — How these singular Barbarians turned out to be notori-
ous Squatters ; How they built Air-Castles and attempted to initiate the Nederlanders into the
Mystery of Bundling. IO9
Chapter IX. — How the P'ort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered;
How the Renowned Wouter fell into a profound Doubt, and how he finally evaporated. 113
iS k t b
CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN OF WILLIAM THE
TESTY
Chapter I.— Showing the Nature of History in general ; containing far-
[ vi ]
A T' a b I e of Contents
thermore the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a Man may learn so
much as to render himself Good for Nothing
Chapter II. — How William the Testy undertook to conquer by pro-
clamation ; How he was a Great Man abroad, but a Little Man in his own House
125
Chapter III. — In which are recorded the sage Projeds of a Ruler of uni-
versal Genius, — the Art of fighting by Proclamation, — and how that the valiant Jacobus Van
Curlet came to be foully dishonored at Fort Goed Hoop 128
Chapter IV. — Containing the fearful Wrath of William the Testy, and
the Alarm of New Amsterdam ; How the Governor did strongly fortify the City ; Of the
Rise of Anthony the Trumpeter, and the windy Addition to the Armorial Bearings of New
Amsterdam XW
Chapter V. — Of the Jurisprudence of William the Testy, and his admir-
able Expedients for the Suppression of Poverty I t^
Chapter VI. — Projedtsof William the Testy for increasing the Currency ;
He is outwitted by the Yankees; The great Oyster War I -1-7
Chapter VII. — Growing Discontents of New Amsterdam under the Gov-
ernment of William the Testy ij^O
Chapter VIII. — Of the Edift of William the Testy against Tobacco;
Of the Pipe-Plot, and the Rise of Feuds and Parties 1 42
Chapter IX.— Of the Folly of Being Happy in Time of Prosperity;
Ot Troubles to the South brought on by Annexation ; Of the secret Expedition of Jan Jansen
Alpendam, and his Magnificent Reward Ij.r
Chapter X. — Troublous Times on the Hudson; How Killian Van
Rensellaer erefted a Feudal Castle, and how he introduced Club-Law into the Province i 1.8
Chapter XI. — Of the Diplomatic Mission of Anthony the Trumpeter to
the Fortress of Rensellaerstein, and how he was puzzled by a Cabalistic Reply I <■ I
Chapter XII. — Containing the Rise of the great Amphiftyonic Council
of the Pilgrims, with the Decline and final Extinftion of William the Testy I ca
iS fe b
CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER STUTFE-
SANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHICTYONIC COUNCIL
Chapter I. — In which the Death of a Great Man is shown to be no very
inconsolable matter of Sorrow, and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great Name from the
uncommon Strength of his Head I 6 I
Chapter II. — Showing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself among
the Rats and Cobwebs on entering into Office ; His interview with Anthony the Trum-
peter, and his perilous meddling with the Currency I 66
Chapter III. — How the Yankee League waxed more and more Potent,
and how it outwitted the Good Peter in Treaty-Making I 69
Chapter IV. — Containing divers Speculations on War and Negotia-
tions — Showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great National Evil I yj
[ vii ]
A Table of Contents
Chapter V. — How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied by the great
Council of the League, and how he sent Anthony the Trumpeter to take to the Council a
piece of his Mind. iy8
Chapter VI. — How Peter Stuyvesant demanded a Court of Honor, and
of the Court of Honor awarded to him. I % \
Chapter VII. — How "Drum Ecclesiastic" was beaten throughout Con-
nefticut for a Crusade against the New Netherlands, and how Peter Stuyvesant took meas-
ures to fortify his Capital. I 8 -j
Chapter VIII. — How the Yankee Crusade against the New Netherlands
was baffled by the sudden outbreak of Witchcraft among the people of the East. \ 86
Chapter IX. — Which records the Rise and Renown of a military Com-
mander, showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to greatness by mere Wind ;
together with the Catastrophe of a Veteran and his Queue. igo
fe b t
CONTAINING THE SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE
HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELA-
^ARE
Chapter I. — -In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the Great Peter,
of the windy contest of General Van Poffenburgh and General Printz, and of the Mus-
quito War on the Delaware. I go
Chapter II. — Of Jan Risingh, his Giantly Person and Crafty Deeds,
and of the Catastrophe at Fort Casirair. 203
Chapter III. — Showing how Profound Secrets are often brought to
Light ; with the Proceedings of Peter the Headstrong when he heard of the Misfortunes of
General Van Poffenburgh. 208
Chapter IV. — Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up the Hudson,
and the Wonders and Delights of that renowned River. 2 I "l
Chapter V. — -Describing the Powerful Army that assembled at the City
of New Amsterdam ; Together with the Interview between Peter the Headstrong and
General Van Poffenburgh, and Peter's Sentiments touching Unfortunate Great Men. 21 8
Chapter VI. — In which the Author discourses very ingenuously of Him-
self; After which is to be found much Interesting History about Peter the Headstrong and
his Followers. 2 21
Chapter VII. — Showing the Great Advantage that the Author has over
his Reader in time of Battle, Together with Divers Portentous Movements which betoken
that Something Terrible is about to Happen. 22 Q
Chapter VIII. — Containing the Most Horrible Battle ever recorded in
Poetry or Prose; with the Admirable Exploits of Peter the Headstrong. 2 "14-
Chapter IX. — In which the author and the Reader, while reposing after
the Battle, fall into a very Grave Discourse ; After which is recorded the Conduft of Peter
Stuyvesant after his Viftory. 24.I
[ viii ]
A T' a h I e of Contents
fe bit
CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE REIGN OF PETER THE
HEADSTRONG, HIS TROUBLES WITH THE BRITISH NATION, AND
THE DECLINE AND FALL OF THE DUTCH DTNASTT
Chapter I. — -How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sovereign People from
the Burthen of taking care of the Nation ; with sundry Particulars of his Conduft in Time
of Peace, and of the Rise of a Great Dutch Aristocracy 2±Q
Chapter II. — How Peter Stuyvesant labored to civilize the Community ;
how he was a great Promoter of Holidays ; how he instituted Kissing on New-Year's Day ;
how he distributed Fiddles throughout the New Netherlands ; how he ventured to reform
the Ladies' Petticoats, and how he caught a Tartar 2 C4
Chapter III. — How Troubles thickened on the Province; how it is
threatened by the Hclderbergers, the Merrylanders, and the Giants of the Susquehanna 20
Chapter IV. — How Peter Stuyvesant adventured into the East Country,
and how he fared there 260
Chapter V. — How the Yankees secretly sought the Aid of the British
Cabinet in their Hostile Schemes against the Manhattoes 26 c
Chapter VI. — Of Peter Stuyvesant's Expedition into the East Country,
showing, that though an old Bird, he did not understand Trap 267
Chapter VII. — How the People of New Amsterdam were thrown into a
Great Panic by the News of the threatened Invasion, and the Manner in which they forti-
fied themselves
Chapter VIII. — How the Grand Council of the New Netherlands were
miraculously gifted with Long Tongues in the Moment of Emergency — Showing the value
of Words in Warfare
271
274
277
Chapter IX. — In which the Troubles of New Amsterdam appeared to
thicken ; showing the Bravery, in Time of Peril, of a People who defend themselves by
Resolutions
Chapter X. — Containing a Doleful Disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter,
and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parliament 282
Chapter XI. — How Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of New Amster-
dam for several Days, by dint of the Strength of his Head 2 86
Chapter XII. — Containing the dignified Retirement and mortal Surren-
der of Peter the Headstrong 2QI
Chapter XIII. — The Author's Refledions upon What Has Been Said 296
[ i'^ ]
A List of Illustrations
frontispiece
BOOK II CHAPTER V
" And OlofFe bethought him, and he hastened and climbed up to the top of one of
the tallest trees, and saw that the smoke spread over a great extent of country ;
and, as he considered it more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke
assumed a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed
out palaces and domes and lofty spires."
IB ft i
CHAPTER V
" They introduced among them rum, gin, and brandy, and the other comforts of
life. ..." 25
B 6 t (
CHAPTER II
Saint Nicholas. 44
B ft Hi
CHAPTER I
Wouter Van Twiller. " The morning after he had been installed in office, and
at the moment that he was making his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish,
filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance of
Wandle Schoonhoven, a very important old burgher of New Amsterdam." 8 1
TB fe lb
CHAPTER I'll
" Blacksmiths . . . suffered their own fires to go out, while they blew the bet-
lows and stirred up the fires of faffion." 140
13 fe ij
CHAPTER VIII
Concerning witchcraft. 188
13 6 i) f
CHAPTER VIII
" A phalanx of oyster-fed ^3.von\?Lm . . . who had remained behind to digest
the enormous dinner they had eaten." 238
15 ft toll
CHAPTER IX
" The first movement of the governor . . . was to mount to the roof, whence he
contemplated with rueful aspeSf the hostile squadron.'" 278
[ xi ]
W\)t iaut|)or'0 ^jpologp
THK following work^ in which^ at the outset^ nothing
more was contemplated than a temporary jeu
d'esprit, was commenced in company with my bro-
ther^ the late Peter Irvi?jg^ Esq. Our idea was^ to parody
a small ha7id-book which had recently appeared.^ entitled A
Picture of New York. Like that^ our work was to begin
with an historical sketchy to be followed by notices of the
customs^ manners., and institutions of the city., written in
a serio-comic vein., and treating local errors., follies^ and
abuses with good-humored satire.
To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in certain Amer-
ican works., our historical sketch was to cotnfnence with the
creation of the world ; and we laid all kinds of works under
contribution for trite citatiofis., relevant or irrelevant., to
give it the proper air of learned research. Before this crude
mass of mock erudition could be digested into form., my bro-
ther departed for Europe^ and I was left to prosecute the
enterprise alone.
I now altered the plan of the work. Discarding all idea of
a parody on the Pidiure of New York, / determined that
what had been originally intended as an ifitroduEiory sketch
should comprise the whole work., and form a comic history of
the city. I accordingly moulded the mass of citations and dis-
quisitions into i?itrodu&ory chapters., forming the first book ;
but it soon became evident to me that., like Robinson Crusoe
with his boat., I had begun on too large a scale., and that., to
launch my history successfully ., I must reduce its proportions.
I accordingly resolved to confine it to the period of the Dutch
domination., which., in its rise., progress., and decline., pre-
[ xiii ]
sented that unity of subjeEi required by classic rule. It was
a period., also., at that ti?ne almost a terra incognita in his-
tory. InfaSi., I was surprised to find how few of my fellow-
citizens were aware that New York had ever been called
New Amsterdam., or had heard of the names of its early
Dutch governors., or cared a straw about their ancient
Dutch progenitors.
This., then., broke upon me as the poetic age of our city —
poetic from its very obscurity ; and open., like the early and
obscure days of ancient Rome., to all the embellishments of
heroic fiSlion. I hailed my native city as fortunate above
all other American cities., in having an antiquity thus ex-
tending back into the regions of doubt and fable -y neither
did I conceive I was committing any grievous historical sin
in helping out the few faSis I could colleEl in this remote
and forgotten region with Jig?nents of my own brain., or in
giving charaSieristic attributes to the few names conneSled
with it which I might dig up from oblivion.
In this., doubtless., I reasoned like a young and inexperienced
writer besotted with his own fancies ; and my presumptuous
trespasses into this sacred though negleEied region of his-
tory have met with deserved rebuke from men of soberer
minds. It is too late., however., to recall the shaft thus rashly
launched. To any one whose sense of fitness it may wound.,
I can only say with Hamlet., —
Let my disclaiming from a purposed evil
Free me so far in your most generous thoughts,
That I have shot my arrow o'er the house.
And hurt my brother.
/ will say this in further apology for my work: that., if it
has taken an unwarrantable liberty with our early provin-
cial history., it has at least turned attentio?t to that history
and provoked research. It is only since this work appeared
[ xiv ]
that the forgotten archives of the province have been rum-
maged^ and the faSis and personages of the olden time res-
cued frorn the dust of oblivion and elevated into whatever
importance they may virtually possess.
The main objeSi of my work^ in fa8l^ had a bearing wide
from the sober aitn of history ; but one which., I trust, will
meet with some indulgence from poetic minds. It was to
embody the traditions of our city in an amusing form ;
to illustrate its local humors., customs., and peculiarities ; to
clothe home scenes and places and familiar names with those
imaginative and whimsical associations so seldom met with
in our new country., but which live like charms and spells
about the cities of the old world, binding the heart of the
native inhabitant to his home.
In this I have reason to believe I have in some measure suc-
ceeded. Before the appearance of my work the popular tra-
ditions of our city were unrecorded -, the peculiar and racy
customs and usages derived from our Dutch progenitors
were unnoticed, or regarded with indifference, or adverted
to with a sneer. Now they form a convivial currency, and
are brought forward on all occasions ; they link our whole
community together in good humor and good fellowship ;
they are the rallying points of home feeling, the seasoning
of our civic festivities, the staple of local tales and local
pleasantries, and are so harped upon by our writers of
popular fiSiion that I fnd myself almost crowded off the le-
gendary ground which I was the first to explore, by the
host who have followed in my footsteps.
I dwell on this head, because, at the first appearance of my
work, its aim and drift were tnisapprehe?ided by some of
the descendants of the Dutch worthies, and because I under-
stand that now and then one may still be found to regard
it with a captious eye. The far greater part, however, I
[ XV ]
%l)t aiut{)or*0 apology
/lave reason to flatter myself^ receive my good-humored pic-
turings in the same tetnper in which they were executed ;
and when I find ^ after a lapse of nearly forty years^ this
hap-hazard produEiion of fny youth still cherished among
them^ — when I find its very name become a ^^ household word''
and used to give the home stamp to everything recommended
for popular acceptation^ such as Knickerbocker societies^
Knickerbocker insurance companies^ Knickerbocker steam-
boats^ Knickerbocker omnibuses^ Knickerbocker bread^ and
Knickerbocker ice ; and when I find New Yorkers of Dutch
descent priding themselves upon being ^^ genuine Knicker-
bockers^'' — I please myself with the persuasion that I have
struck the right chord ; that my dealings with the good old
Dutch times ^ and the customs and usages derivedfrom them,
are in harmony with the feelings and humors of ?ny towns-
men ; that I have opened a vein of pleasant associations and
quaint charaSieristics peculiar to my native place, and which
its inhabitants will not willi?igly suffer to pass away ; and
that, though other histories of New York may appear of
higher claims to learned acceptation, and may take their
dignified and appropriate rank in the family library,
Knickerbocker's history will still be received with good-
humored indulgence, and be thumbed and chuckjed over by
the family fireside.
IF. I.
Sunnyside, 1848.
[ xvi ]
Account of the Author
IT was some time, if I recolleft right, in the early part of the autumn
of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings at the Independent
Columbian Hotel, in Mulberry street, of which I am landlord. He
was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat,
a pair of olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a few
gray hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard seemed to be of
some eight-and-forty hours' growth. The only piece of finery which
he bore about him was a bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles,
and all his baggage was contained in a pair of saddle-bags, which he
carried under his arm. His whole appearance was something out of the
common run ; and my wife, who is a very shrewd body, at once set
him down for some eminent country schoolmaster.
As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small house, I was a
little puzzled at first where to put him ; but my wife, who seemed
taken with his looks, would needs put him in her best chamber, which
is genteelly set off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black,
by those two great painters, Jarvis and Wood, and commands a very
pleasant view of the new grounds on the Colleft, together with the
rear of the Poor-house and Bridewell, and a full front of the Hospital,
so that it is the cheerfullest room in the whole house.
During the whole time that he stayed with us we found him a very
worthy, good sort of an old gentleman, though a little queer in his ways.
He would keep in his room for days together, and if any of the children
cried, or made a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great
passion, with his hands full of papers, and say something about "de-
ranging his ideas," which made my wife believe sometimes that he
was not altogether compos. Indeed, there was more than one reason to
make her think so, for his room was always covered with scraps of
paper and old mouldy books, lying about at sixes and sevens, which
he would never let anybody touch, for he said he had laid them all
away in their proper places, so that he might know where to find them,
though for that matter he was half his time worrying about the house
in search of some book or writing which he had carefully put out of
[ xvii ]
Account of the Author
the way. I shall never forget what a pother he once made, because my
wife cleaned out his room when his back was turned, and put everything
to rights ; for he swore he would never be able to get his papers in order
again in a twelvemonth. Upon this, my wife ventured to ask him what he
did with so many books and papers, and he told her that he was "seek-
ing for immortality," which made her think more than ever that the
poor old gentleman's head was a little cracked.
He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his room was contin-
ually poking about town, hearing all the news and prying into everything
that was going on ; this was particularly the case about election time, when
he did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all ward meet-
ings and committee rooms, though I could never find that he took part
with either side of the question. On the contrary, he would come home
and rail at both parties with great wrath — and plainly proved one day,
to the satisfaftion of my wife and three old ladies who were drinking tea
with her, that the two parties were like two rogues, each tugging at a
skirt of the nation, and that in the end they would tear the very coat off
its back and expose its nakedness. Indeed, he was an oracle among the
neighbors, who would collect around him to hear him talk of an after-
noon, as he smoked his pipe on the bench before the door ; and I really
believe he would have brought over the whole neighborhood to his own
side of the question if they could ever have found out what it was.
He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it, philosophize, about
the most trifling matter; and, to do him justice, I never knew anybody
that was a match for him, except it was a grave-looking old gentleman
who called now and then to see him, and often posed him in an argument.
But this is nothing surprising, as I have since found out this stranger is
the city librarian, who, of course, must be a man of great learning ; and
I have my doubts if he had not some hand in the following history.
As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had never received
any pay, my wife began to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to find out
who and what he was. She accordingly made bold to put the question to
his friend, the librarian, who replied in his dry way that he was one of
the ///tr^//, which she supposed to mean some new party in politics. I scorn
to push a lodger for his pay, so I let day after day pass on without dun-
ning the old gentleman for a farthing ; but my wife, who always takes
[ xviii ]
Account of the Author
these matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at
last got out of patience, and hinted that she thought it high time "some
people should have a sight of some people's money." To which the old
gentleman replied, in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not make
herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there (pointing to his saddle-
bags) worth her whole house put together. This was the only answer
we could ever get from him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways
in which women find out everything, learnt that he was of very great
connections, being related to the Knickerbockers of Scaghtikoke, and
cousin german to the congressman of that name, she did not like to treat
him uncivilly. What is more, she even offered, merely by way of making
things easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach the children their
letters, and to try her best and get her neighbors to send their children
also ; but the old gentleman took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so af-
fronted at being taken for a schoolmaster, that she never dared to speak
on the subjedt again.
About two months ago he went out of a morning with a bundle in his
hand, and has never been heard of since. All kinds of inquiries were made
after him, but in vain. I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they
sent for answer that he had not been there since the year before last, when
he had a great dispute with the congressman about politics, and left the
place in a huff, and they had neither heard nor seen anything of him
from that time to this. I must own I felt very much worried about the
poor old gentleman, for I thought something bad must have happened
to him, that he should be missing so long, and never return to pay his
bill. I therefore advertised him in the newspapers, and though my mel-
ancholy advertisement was published by several humane printers, yet I
have never been able to learn anything satisfaftory about him.
My wife now said it was high time to take care of ourselves, and see if
he had left anything behind in his room that would pay us for his board
and lodging. We found nothing, however, but some old books and musty
writings, and his saddle-bags, which, being opened in the presence of
the librarian, contained only a few articles of worn-out clothes and a
large bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this, the librarian told
us he had no doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had
spoken about, as it proved to be a most excellent and faithful History
[ xix ]
Account of the Author
OF New York, which he advised us by all means to publish, assuring us
that it would be so eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he
had no doubt it would be enough to pay our arrears ten times over.
Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster, who teaches our children,
to prepare it for the press, which he accordingly has done, and has,
moreover, added to it a number of valuable notes of his own.
This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for having this work
printed without waiting for the consent of the author ; and I here de-
clare that if he ever returns (though I much fear some unhappy acci-
dent has befallen him), I stand ready to account with him like a true
and honest man. Which is all at present.
From the public's humble servant,
Seth Handaside.
Independent Columbian Hotel, Nezu York.
The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to the first edition of
this work. Shortly after its publication a letter was received from him,
by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the
Hudson, whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspecting certain
ancient records. As this was one of those few and happy villages into
which newspapers never find their way, it is not a matter of surprise that
Mr. Knickerbocker should never have seen the numerous advertisements
that were made concerning him, and that he should learn of the publi-
cation of his history by mere accident.
He expressed much concern at its premature appearance, as thereby he
was prevented from making several important corrections and alterations,
as well as from profiting by many curious hints which he had collefted
during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea and his sojourn
at Haverstraw and Esopus.
Finding that there was no longer any immediate necessity for his return
to New York, he extended his journey up to the residence of his rela-
tions at Scaghtikoke. On his way thither he stopped for some days at
Albany, for which city he is known to have entertained a great partiality.
He found it, however, considerably altered, and was much concerned at
the inroads and improvements which the Yankees were making, and the
consequent decline of the good old Dutch manners. Indeed, he was in-
[ XX ]
Account of the Author
formed that these intruders were making sad innovations in all parts
of the State, where they had given great trouble and vexation to the
regular Dutch settlers by the introduction of turn-pike gates and country
school-houses. It is said, also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook his head
sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of the great Vander Heyden
palace ; but was highly indignant at finding that the ancient Dutch
church, which stood in the middle of the street, had been pulled down
since his last visit.
The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's history having reached even to Al-
bany, he received much flattering attention from its worthy burghers,
some of whom, however, pointed out two or three very great errors he
had fallen into, particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar over the
Albany tea-tables, which, they assured him, had been discontinued for
some years past. Several families, moreover, were somewhat piqued that
their ancestors had not been mentioned in his work, and showed great
jealousy of their neighbors who had thus been distinguished ; while the
latter, it must be confessed, plumed themselves vastly thereupon, con-
sidering these recordings in the light of letters-patent of nobility, estab-
lishing their claims to ancestry — which, in this republican country, is a
matter of no little solicitude and vainglory.
It is also said that he enjoyed high favor and countenance from the
governor, who once asked him to dinner, and was seen two or three
times to shake hands with him when they met in the streets, which
certainly was going great lengths, considering that they differed in poli-
tics. Indeed, certain of the governor's confidential friends, to whom he
could venture to speak his mind freely on such matters, have assured us
that he privately entertained a considerable good-will for our author, —
nay, he even once went so far as to declare, and that openly too, and at
his own table, just after dinner, that "Knickerbocker was a very well-
meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool." From all which many
have been led to suppose that, had our author been of different politics,
and written tor the newspapers instead of wasting his talents on histories,
he might have risen to some post of honor and profit — peradventure, to
be a notary-public, or even a justice in the ten-pound court.
Beside the honors and civilities already mentioned, he was much ca-
ressed by the literati of Albany ; particularly by Mr. John Cook, who
[ xxi ]
Account of the Author
entertained him very hospitably at his circulating library and reading-
room, where they used to drink Spa water and talk about the ancients.
He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart — of great literary re-
search, and a curious colleftor of books. At parting, the latter, in testi-
mony of friendship, made him a present of the two oldest works in his
colleftion, which were the earliest edition of the Heidelberg Catechism
and Adrian Vander Donck's famous account of the New Netherlands,
by the last of which Mr. Knickerbocker profited greatly in his second
edition.
Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our author proceeded
to Scaghtikoke, where, it is but justice to say, he was received with open
arms and treated with wonderful loving-kindness. He was much looked
up to by the family, being the first historian of the name, and was con-
sidered almost as great a man as his cousin the congressman — with
whom, by the by, he became perfectly reconciled, and contracted a strong
friendship.
In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations and their great atten-
tion to his comforts, the old gentleman soon became restless and dis-
contented. His history being published, he had no longer any business
to occupy his thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes and antici-
pations. This, to a busy mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ;
and had he not been a man of inflexible morals and regular habits, there
would have been great danger of his taking to politics, or drinking —
both which pernicious vices we daily see men driven to by mere spleen
and idleness.
It is true, he sometimes employed himself in preparing a second edition
of his history, wherein he endeavored to corredt and improve many pas-
sages with which he was dissatisfied, and to rectify some mistakes that
had crept into it ; for he was particularly anxious that his work should
be noted for its authenticity, which, indeed, is the very life and soul of
history. But the glow of composition had departed ; he had to leave
many places untouched which he would fain have altered, and even
where he did make alterations he seemed always in doubt whether they
were for the better or the worse.
After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke he began to feel a strong
desire to return to New- York, which he ever regarded with the warm-
[ xxii ]
Account of the Author
est afFedion, not merely because it was his native city, but because he
really considered it the very best city in the whole world. On his re-
turn he entered into the full enjoyment of the advantages of a literary
reputation. He was continually importuned to write advertisements, pe-
titions, handbills, and produd ions of similar import ; and, although he
never meddled with the public papers, yet he had the credit of writing
innumerable essays and smart things that appeared on all subjedts and all
sides of the question, in all which he was clearly detefted " by his style."
He contradted, moreover, a considerable debt at the post-office, in con-
sequence of the numerous letters he received from authors and printers
soliciting his subscription, and he was applied to by every charitable
society for yearly donations, which he gave very cheerfully, considering
these applications as so many compliments. He was once invited to a
great corporation dinner, and was even twice summoned to attend as a
juryman at the court of quarter-sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he
become that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, in all holes and
corners of the city, according to the bent of his humor, unnoticed and
uninterrupted ; but several times when he has been sauntering the streets,
on his usual rambles of observation, equipped with his cane and cocked
hat, the little boys at play have been known to cry, "There goes Died-
rich !" at which the old gentleman seemed not a little pleased, look-
ing upon these salutations in the light of the praise of posterity.
In a word, if we take into consideration all these various honors and
distin6tions, together with an exuberant eulogium passed on him in the
Port Folio (with which, we are told, the old gentleman was so much
overpowered that he was sick for two or three days), it must be con-
fessed that few authors have ever lived to receive such illustrious re-
wards, or have so completely enjoyed in advance their own immortality.
After his return from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker took up his resi-
dence at a little rural retreat which the Stuyvesants had granted him
on the family domain, in gratitude for his honorable mention of their
ancestor. It was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the salt
marshes beyond Corlear's Hook ; subject, indeed, to be occasionally
overflowed, and much infested in the summer-time with mosquitos, but
otherwise very agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt grass and.
bulrushes.
[ xxiii ]
Account ofthe Author
Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell dangerously ill
of a fever, occasioned by the neighboring marshes. When he found his
end approaching, he disposed of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of
his fortune to the New York Historical Society, his Heidelberg Cate-
chism and Vander Donck's work to the city library, and his saddle-bags
to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies, — that is to say, all who
bore any enmity towards him ; for, as to himself, he declared he died in
good-will with all the world. And after diftating several kind messages
to his relations at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of our most substan-
tial Dutch citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend the librarian.
His remains were interred, according to his own request, in St. Mark's
churchyard, close by the bones of his favorite hero, Peter Stuyvesant ;
and it is rumored that the Historical Society have it in mind to eredt
a wooden monument to his memory in the Bowling Green.
t!Do tf)t ^ul)Uc
rescue frotn oblivion the mejnory of former
incidents^ and to render a just tribute of
renown to the many great and wonderful
tra?isaBions of our Dutch progenitors^
Diedrich Knickerbocker^ native of the city
of New Torkjproduces this historical essay .^
Like the great Father of History^ whose words I have
just quoted, I treat of ti?nes long past, over which the
twilight of uncertainty had already thrown its shadows,
and the night offorgetfulness was about to descend for ever.
With great solicitude had I long beheld the early history of
this venerable and ancient city gradually slipping from our
grasp, trembling on the lips of narrative old age, and day
by day dropping piecemeal into the tomb. In a little while,
thought I, and those reverend Dutch burghers, who serve as
the tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered
to their fathers ; their children, engrossed by the empty plea-
sures or insignificant transaSiions of the present age, will
negleSi to treasure up the recolleSlions of the past, and
posterity will search in vain for memorials of the days of
the Patriarchs. The origin of our city will be buried in
eternal oblivion, and even the fiajnes and achievements of
Wouter Van Twiller, Williatn Kieft, and Peter Stuyves-
ant, be ejtveloped in doubt and fiBion, like those of Romulus
and Remus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Rinaldo, and
Godfrey of Bologne.
Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened
misfortune, I industriously set myself to work to gather
together all the fragmefits of our infant history which still
* Beloe's Herodotus.
[ XXV ]
Co t\)t ^uhlit
existed^ and^ like my reverend prototype^ Herodotus^ where
no written records could be found ^ I have endeavored to con-
tinue the chain of history by well-authenticated traditions.
In this arduous undertakings which has been the whole busi-
ness of a long and solitary life^ it is incredible the number
of learned authors I have consulted^ and all but to little
purpose. Strange as it may seem^ though such 7nultitudes
of excellent works have beeti written about this country.^ there
are none extant which gave a?iy full and satisfaSiory account
of the early history of New York., or of its three first Dutch
governors. I have., however , gained fnuch valuable and curi-
ous matter from an elaborate ?nanuscript written in exceed-
i?tg pure and classic Low Dutch^ excepting a few errors in
orthography., which was found in the archives oftheStuyve-
sant family. Many legends, letters., and other documents
have I likewise gleaned in my researches among the family
chests and lumber-garrets of our respeEiable Dutch citizens ;
and I have gathered a host of well-authenticated traditions
from divers excellent old ladies of my acquaintance., who re-
quested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor tnust
I negleEt to acknowledge how greatly I have been assisted by
that adfnirable and praiseworthy institution., the New York
Historical Society, to which I here publicly return my sin-
cere acknowledgments.
In the conduB of this inestimable work I have adopted no
individual ?nodel ; but, on the contrary, have simply con-
tented myself with combi?iing and concentrating the excel-
lences of the most approved ancient historians. Like Xeno-
phon, I have maintained the utmost impartiality and the
striEiest adherence to truth throughout my history. I have
enriched it, after the manner of Sal lust, with various
charaSiers of ancient worthies, drawn at full length and
faithfully colored. I have seasotied it with profound politi-
[ xxvi ]
Co t})e ^ufalic
cal speculations., like Thiicydides; sweetened it with the graces
of sentiment .^ like Tacitus., and infused into the whole the
dignity.^ the grandeur., and magnifcence of L ivy.
I am aware that I shall i?jcur the censure of nutnerous very
learned and judicious critics for indulging too frequently
in the bold excursive inanner of my favorite., Herodotus.
And., to be candid., I have found it impossible always to re-
sist the allurements of those pleasing episodes which., like
fiowery banks and fragra?tt bowers., beset the dusty road of
the historian and entice him to turn aside and refresh him-
self from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be found that
I have always resujned my staff a?id addressed myself to
my weary journey with renovated spirits., so that both my
readers and myself have been benefited by the relaxation.
Indeed., though it has been my constant wish and uniform
endeavor to rival Polybius himself in observing the requi-
site unity of history ., yet the loose and unconneSled manner
in which many of the faSls herein recorded have come to
hand re?idered such an attempt extremely diffcult. This
diffculty was likewise increased by one of the grand objeEis
contemplated in my work., which was to trace the rise of
sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities., and to
compare them., when in the germ of infancy ., with what they
are in the present old age of knowledge and ij?tprove?nent.
But the chief tnerit on which I value 7nyself., and found
my hopes for future regard., is that faithful veracity with
which I have compiled this invaluable little work., carefully
winnowing away the chaff of hypothesis and discarding the
tares of fable., which are too apt to spri?ig up and choke
the seeds of truth a?id wholesome knowledge. Had I been
anxious to captivate the superficial throng who skim like
swallows over the surface of literature., or had I been anx-
ious to commend my writings to the pampered palates of
[ xxvii ]
Co t{)e public
literary epicures^ I fnight have availed myself of the ob-
scurity that overshadows the ijtfa7it years of our city to
introduce a thousand pleasing JiBions. But I have scrupu-
lously discarded many a pithy tale and marvellous adven-
ture^ whereby the drowsy ear of summer indolence might
be enthralled — jealously maintaining that fidelity^ gravity,
and dignity which should ever distinguish the historian.
'■*• For a writer of this class,'' observes an elegant critic,
'■'■must sustain the charaSier of a wise man writing for the
instruBion of posterity ; one who has studied to inform him-
self well, who has pondered his subjeB with care, and ad-
dresses himself to our judg?nent rather than to our im-
agination.'''
Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned city in having
incidents worthy of swelling the theme of history ; and doubly
thrice happy is it in having such aji historian as myself to
relate them. For, after all, gentle reader, cities of themselves,
and in faB empires of themselves, are nothing without an
historian. It is the patient narrator who records their pros-
perity as they rise, who blazons forth the splendor of their
noontide meridian, who props their feeble memorials as they
totter to decay, who gathers together their scattered frag-
ments as they rot, and who piously, at length, colleBs their
ashes into the mausoleum of his work and rears a monujnent
that will transmit their renowft to all succeeding ages.
What has been the fate of many fair cities of antiquity,
whose na?neless ruins encumber the plains of Europe and
Asia, and awaken the fruitless inquiry of the traveller f
They have sunk into dust and silence ; they have perished
from rejnembrance for want of an historian 1 The philan-
thropist may weep over their desolation, the poet may wan-
der among their mouldering arches and broken columns, and
indulge the visionary fights of his fancy, — but, alas ! alas J
[ xxviii ]
Co t|)e public
the modern historian^ whose pen^ like my own^ is doomed to
conjifte itself to dull matter-of-faSi^ seeks in vain among
their oblivious remains /'or some memorial that they may
tell the instruSiive tale of their glory and their ruin.
" Wars^ co7iflagrations^ deluges ^^ says Aristotle^ " destroy
nations^ and with them all their monuments, their discov-
eries, and their va?iities. The torch of science has tnore than
once been extinguished and rekindled i a few individuals,
who have escaped by accident, reunite the thread of gen e-
rationsT
The same sad misfortune which has happened to so many
ancient cities will happen again, and from the same sad
cause, to nine-te?tths of those which now flourish on the face
of the globe. With most of them the time for recording their
early history is gone by ; their origin, their foundation, to-
gether with the eventful period of their youth, are forever
buried in the rubbish of years, — a?id the same would have
been the case with this fair portion of the earth if I had not
snatched it fro?n obscurity in the very nick of time, at the
moment that those matters herein recordedwere about enter-
ing into the wide-spread, insatiable maw of oblivion, — if I
had not dragged them out, as it were, by the very locks, just
as the monster s adamantine fangs were closing upon them
forever ! And here have I, as before observed, carefully col-
leSled, collated, and arranged them, scrip and scrap, " punt
en punt, gat en gat," and commenced in this little work a his-
tory, to serve as a foundation o?i which other historians may
hereafter raise a noble superstruEiure, swelling in process
of time until Knickerbocker's New York may be equally
voluminous with Gibbon's Rome or Hume and Smollett's
England !
And now indulge me for a moment, while I lay down my
pen, skip to some little eminence at the distance of two or
[ xxix ]
BOOK I
Containing
Divers Ingenious Theories & Philosophic Speculations
Concerning the Creation and Population of
as Connedled with the History of
New York
A HISTORY OF
NEW YORK
38 fe I
C h
a
t e r I
Description of the World
^ACCORDING to the best authorities, the world in which we
/^^ dwell is a huge, opaque, reflefting, inanimate mass float-
/ ^ ^ ing in the vast ethereal ocean of infinite space. It has the
J^ ^ form of an orange, being an oblate spheroid, curiously flat-
tened at opposite parts for the insertion of two imaginary
poles which are supposed to penetrate and unite at the centre, thus
forming an axis on which the mighty orange turns with a regular
diurnal revolution.
The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed the alternations
of day and night, are produced by this diurnal revolution successively
presenting the different parts of the earth to the rays of the sun. The
latter is, according to the best (that is to say, the latest) accounts, a lu-
minous or fiery body of a prodigious magnitude, from which this world
is driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and to which it is drawn
by a centripetal or attractive force, otherwise called the attraftion of
gravitation — the combination, or rather the counteraction, of these two
opposing impulses producing a circular and annual revolution. Hence
[ I ]
A History of [Bk.i
result the different seasons of the year, viz., Spring, Summer, Autumn,
and Winter.
This I believe to be the most approved modern theory on the subject,
though there be many philosophers who have entertained very different
opinions, — some, too, of them entitled to much deference, from their
great antiquity and illustrious character. Thus it was advanced by some
of the ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain supported by
vast pillars, and by others that it rested on the head of a snake, or the
back, of a huge tortoise ; but, as they did not provide a resting-place for
either the pillars or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground for
want of proper foundation.
The Brahmins assert that the heavens rest upon the earth, and the sun
and moon swim therein like fishes in the water, moving from east to
west by day and gliding along the edge of the horizon to their original
stations during night ;* while, according to the Paiiranicas of India, it
is a vast plain encircled by seven oceans of milk, nedlar, and other deli-
cious liquids ; that it is studded with seven mountains, and ornamented
in the centre by a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great
dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts for the phe-
nomena of lunar eclipses. -f-
Besides these and many other equally sage opinions, we have the pro-
found conjectures of Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of Al Khan, son of Aly,
son of Abderrahman, son of Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-Hadheli who is
commonly called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbiddin, but who takes the
humble title of Laheb-ar-rasoul, which means the companion of the am-
bassador of God. He has written a universal history, entitled '■'' Mouroudge-
ed-dliarab, or the Golden Meadows, and the Mines of Precious Stones." I'^ In
this valuable work he has related the history of the world from the crea-
tion down to the moment of writing, which was under the Khaliphat of
Mothi Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th year of the
Hegira or Flight of the Prophet. He informs us that the earth is a huge
bird, Mecca and Medina constituting the head, Persia and India the right
wing, the land of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us,
moreover, that an earth has existed before the present (which he con-
siders as a mere chicken of 7000 years), that it has undergone divers del-
uges, and that, according to the opinion of some well-informed Brahmins
of his acquaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth haza-
rouam, each hazarouam consisting ot i 2,000 years.
* Faria y Souxa. Mick. Lus. note b. 7.
t Sir W. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod.
I MSS. Bibliot. Roi Fr.
[ 2 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C.
These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of philosophers con-
cerning the earth, and we find that the learned have had equal perplexity
as to the nature of the sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have af-
firmed that it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ;* others, that it is merely
a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal ; -j- and a third class, at the head
of whom stands Anaxagoras^ maintained that it was nothing but a huge
ignited mass of iron or stone, — indeed, he declared the heavens to be
merely a vault of stone, and that the stars were stones whirled upward
from the earth and set on fire by the velocity of its revolutions. .| But I
give little attention to the doftrines of this philosopher, the people of
Athens having fully refuted them by banishing him from their city — a
concise mode of answering unwelcome doftrines, much resorted to in
former days. Another se6l of philosophers do declare that certain fiery
particles exhale constantly from the earth, which, concentrating in a sin-
gle point of the firmament by day, constitute the sun, but being scattered
and rambling about in the dark at night, colleft in various points and
form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguished, not unlike
to the lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply of exhalations for
the next occasion. §
It is even recorded that at certain remote and obscure periods, in con-
sequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely burnt
out and sometimes not rekindled for a month at a time, — a most mel-
ancholy circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast concern to Her-
aclitus^ that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. In addition to
these various speculations, it was the opinion of Herschel that the sun is
a magnificent, habitable abode, the light it furnishes arising from cer-
tain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric clouds swimming in its transpar-
ent atmosphere. ||
But we will not enter farther at present into the nature of the sun, that
being an inquiry not immediately necessary to the development of this
history ; neither will we embroil ourselves in any more of the endless
disputes of philosophers touching the form of this globe, but content
ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of this chapter,
and will proceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complexity of motion
therein ascribed to this our rotatory planet.
* Plutarch de placitis Philosoph. lib. ii. cap. 20.
t Achill. 'Tat. isag. cap. 19. Ap. Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. Eclog. Phys. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac.Phi.
\ Diogenes Laertius in Anaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t. i. p. 26. Plut. de Plac. Philo. Xenoph.
Mem. 1. iv. p. 815.
S Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem. Probl. sec. 15, Stob. Eel. Phys. 1. i. p. 55. Bruck. Hist. Phil. t.
i. p. 1 154, etc.
II Philos. Trans. 1795, p. 72. Idem. 1801, p. 265. Nich. Philos. Journ. I. p. 13.
[ 3 ]
A History of [Bk. i
Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the name may be rendered
into Et2glish) was long celebrated in the university oi hey den for profound
gravity of deportment and a talent at going to sleep in the midst of ex-
aminations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful students, who thereby
worked their way through college with great ease and little study. In
the course of one of his lectures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket
of water, swung it around his head at arm's length ; the impulse with
which he threw the vessel from him being a centrifugal force, the reten-
tion of his arm operating as a centripetal power, and the bucket, which
was a substitute for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about
the globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Poddingcoft, which
formed no bad representation of the sun. All of these particulars were
duly explained to the class of gaping students around him. He apprised
them, moreover, that the same principle of gravitation which retained
the water in the bucket restrains the ocean from flying from the earth
in its rapid revolutions ; and he farther informed them that should the
motion of the earth be suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall
into the sun through the centripetal force of gravitation, — a most ruin-
ous event to this planet, and one which would also obscure, though it
most probably would not extinguish, the solar luminary. An unlucky
stripling, one of those vagrant geniuses who seem sent into the world
merely to annoy worthy men of the puddinghead order, desirous of as-
certaining the correctness of the experiment, suddenly arrested the arm
of the professor just at the moment that the bucket was in its zenith,
which immediately descended with astonishing precision upon the phil-
osophic head of the instruftor of youth. A hollow sound and a red-hot
hiss attended the conta(^t ; but the theory was in the amplest manner il-
lustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in the conflict ; but the
blazing countenance of Professor Von Poddingcoft emerged from amidst
the waters glowing fiercer than ever with unutterable indignation,
whereby the students were marvellously edified and departed consider-
ably wiser than before.
It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes many a pains-
taking philosopher, that nature often refuses to second his most profound
and elaborate efforts ; so that after having invented one of the most in-
genious and natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness
to aft dire6tly in the teeth of his system and flatly contradift his most
favorite positions. This is a manifest and unmerited grievance, since it
throws the censure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the phil-
osopher, whereas the fault is not to be ascribed to his theory, which is
unquestionably correft, but to the waywardness of Dame Nature, who,
[ 4 ]
Ch.i] New York ^c.
with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is continually indulging in
coquetries and caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in violating
all philosophic rules and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of
her adorers. Thus it happened with respeft to the foregoing satisfaftory
explanation of the motion of our planet ; it appears that the centrifugal
force has long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist remains in
undiminished potency ; the world, therefore, according to the theory as
it originally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble into the sun ; phil-
osophers were convinced that it would do so, and awaited in anxious
impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics. But the untoward planet
pertinaciously continued her course, notwithstanding that she had rea-
son, philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors opposed to
her condu6l. The philosophers took this in very ill part, and it is thought
they would never have pardoned the slight and affront which they con-
ceived put upon them by the world, had not a good-natured professor
kindly officiated as a mediator between the parties and effefted a recon-
ciliation.
Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the theory, he wisely
determined to accommodate the theory to the world ; he therefore in-
formed his brother philosophers, that the circular motion of the earth
round the sun was no sooner engendered by the conflicting impulses
above described than it became a regular revolution, independent of the
causes which gave it origin. His learned brethren readily joined in the
opinion, being heartily glad of any explanation that would decently ex-
tricate them from their embarrassment ; and ever since that memorable
era the world has been left to take her own course and to revolve around
the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper.
C h a
[ 5 ]
Chapter i i
COSMOGONY, OR Creation of the World ; with a Mul-
titude of Excellent Theories by which the Creation of a World is shown to be
no such Dificult Matter as Common Folk would imagine.
HAVING thus briefly introduced my reader to the world
and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will
naturally be curious to know from whence it came and
how it was created. And, indeed, the clearing up of these
points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if
this world had not been formed, it is more than probable that this re-
nowned island, on which is situated the city of New Tork, would never
have had an existence. The regular course of my history, therefore, re-
quires that I should proceed to notice the cosmogony, or formation, ot
this our globe.
And now I give my readers fair warning that I am about to plunge, for
a chapter or two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever historian was per-
plexed withal ; therefore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts
and keep close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand nor to
the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligible learning, or
have their brains knocked out by some of those hard Greek names which
will be flying about in all directions. But should any of them be too in-
dolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous undertak-
ing, they had better take a short cut round, and wait for me at the be-
ginning of some smoother chapter.
Of the creation of the world, we have a thousand contradictory accounts ;
and though a very satisfactory one is furnished us by divine revelation,
yet every philosopher feels himself in honor bound to furnish us with a
better. As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice their
several theories, by which mankind have been so exceedingly edified
and instructed.
Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that the earth and the
whole system of the universe was the Deity himselt* — a doCtrine most
strenuously maintained by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Eleattcs, as
*Anstot. ap. Cic. lib. i. cap. 3.
[ 6 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K &^C.
also h-^Strabo and the se6t of peripatetic philosophers. Pythagoras likewise
inculcated the famous numerical system of the monad, dyad, and triad, and
by means of his sacred quaternary elucidated the formation of the world,
the arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and morals.* Other
sages adhered to the mathematical system of squares and triangles ; the
cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ; the tetrahedron, the oftahedron, the
icosahedron, and the dodecahedron ;f- while others advocated the great
elementary theory which refers the constru6lion of our globe and all
that it contains to the combinations of four material elements, — air, earth,
fire, and water, — with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivify-
ing principle.
Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic system taught by old
Moschus before the siege of T'roy^ revived by Democritus of laughing
memory, improved by Epicurus, that king of good fellows, and modern-
ized by the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring whether the
atoms of which the earth is said to be composed are eternal or recent ;
whether they are animate or inanimate ; whether, agreeably to the opin-
ion of the atheists, they were fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists
maintain, were arranged by a supreme intelligence \ ; — whether, in fa6t,
the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated by a soul§ —
which opinion was strenuously maintained by a host of philosophers,
at the head of whom stands the great Plato, that temperate sage, who
threw the cold water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse
and inculcated the doctrine o^ Platonic love, — an exquisitely refined in-
tercourse, but much better adapted to the ideal inhabitants of his im-
aginary island oi Atlantis than to the sturdy race composed of rebellious
fiesh and blood which populates the little matter-of-faft island we in-
habit.
Besides these systems, we have, moreover, the poetical theogony of old
Hesiod, who generated the whole universe in the regular mode of pro-
creation, and the plausible opinion of others, that the earth was hatched
from the great egg of night, which floated in chaos and was cracked by
the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last doftrine, Burnet, in
his theory of the earth, || has favored us with an accurate drawing and
* Aristot. Metaph. lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Coelo. 1. iii. c. i. Rousseau Mem. sur Musique ancien. p. 39.
Plutarch de Plac. Philos. lib. i. c. 3.
t Tim. Locr. ap. Plato, t. iii. p. 90.
X Aristot. Nat. Auscult. 1. ii. cap. 6. Aristofk. Metaph. lib. i. cap. 3. Cic. de Nat. Deor. lib. i. cap.
10. "Justin Mart. prat, ad gent. p. 20.
h Mosheim in Cudw. lib. i. cap. 4. Tim. de anim. mund. sp. Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de I'Acad. des
Belles-Lettr. t. xxxii. p. 19, et al.
II Book i. ch. 5.
[ 7 ]
A History of [Bk. i
description both of the form and texture of this mundane egg, which
is found to bear a marvellous resemblance to that of a goose. Such ot
my readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our planet will
be pleased to learn that the most profound sages of antiquity among the
Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and Latins have alternately assisted
at the hatching of this strange bird, and that their cacklings have been
caught and continued, in different tones and inflections, from philoso-
pher to philosopher unto the present day.
But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of ancient sages, let
me not pass over with negleft those of other philosophers, which, though
less universal and renowned, have equal claims to attention and equal
chance for correctness. Thus, it is recorded by the Brahmins, in the pages
of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming himselt into
a great boar, plunged into the watery abyss and brought up the earth
on his tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tortoise and a mighty
snake, and Bistnoo placed the snake ereCt upon the back of the tortoise,
and he placed the earth upon the head of the snake.*
The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that the world was made by the
hands of angels, excepting their own country, which the Supreme Being
constructed himself that it might be supremely excellent. And he took
great pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black and beauti-
ful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was well pleased with
him, and smoothed him over the face, and hence his nose, and the nose
of all his descendants, became flat.
The Mohawk philosophers tell us that a pregnant woman fell down from
heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its back, because every place
was covered with water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise,
paddled with her hands in the water and raked up the earth, whence
it finally happened that the earth became higher than the water. -f-
But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient and outlandish
philosophers, whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all their erudi-
tion, compelled them to write in languages which but few of my readers
can understand ; and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelli-
gible and fashionable theories of their modern successors.
And, first, I shall mention the great Buffon, who conjectures that this
globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body of
the sun by the percussion of a comet, as a spark is generated by the col-
lision of flint and steel ; that at first it was surrounded by gross vapors,
* Holzvell. Gent. Philosophy.
t 'Johannes Megapolemis, Jun. Account of Maquaas or Mohawk Indians.
[ 8 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C.
which, cooHng and condensing in process of time, constituted, accord-
ing to their densities, earth, water, and air, which gradually arranged
themselves, according to their respecftive gravities, round the burning or
vitrified mass that formed their centre.
Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at first were universally
paramount ; and he terrifies himself with the idea that the earth must
be eventually washed away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain
torrents, until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in other words, abso-
lutely dissolves into itself. Sublime idea ! far surpassing that of the ten-
der-hearted damsel of antiquity who wept herself into a fountain ; or
the good dame of Narbonne in France who, for a volubility of tongue
unusual in her sex, was doomed to peel five hundred thousand and thirty-
nine ropes of onions, and adtually run out at her eyes before half the hide-
ous task was accomplished.
Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled Ditton in his
researches after the longitude (for which the mischief-loving Swift
discharged on their heads a most savory stanza), has distinguished
himself by a very admirable theory respe(5ting the earth. He conjectures
that it was originally a chaotic comet, which, being selefted for the
abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit and whirled round
the sun in its present regular motion, by which change of direftion
order succeeded to confusion in the arrangement of its component
parts. The philosopher adds that the deluge was produced by an uncour-
teous salute from the watery tail of another comet — doubtless through
sheer envy of its improved condition, thus furnishing a melancholy proof
that jealousy may prevail even among the heavenly bodies, and discord
interrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres so melodiously sung by
the poets.
But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among which are those
of Burnet, and Woodward, and Whitehurst, regretting extremely that my
time will not suffer me to give them the notice they deserve, and shall
conclude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This learned T'heban,
who is as much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and for good-natured
credulity as serious research, and who has recommended himself won-
derfully to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all the gal-
lantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics of scandal of the court
of Flora, has fallen upon a theory worthy of his combustible imagina-
tion. According to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden
occasion to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and in that aft exploded
the sun, which in its flight, by a similar convulsion, exploded the earth,
which in like guise exploded the moon, — and thus, by a concatenation
[ 9 ]
A History of [Bk. i
of explosions, the whole solar system was produced and set most syste-
matically in motion ! *
By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every one of which,
if thoroughly examined, will be found surprisingly consistent in all its
parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be led to conclude that the
creation of a world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined. I
have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in which a world could
be constructed, and I have no doubt that, had any of the philosophers
above quoted the use of a good manageable comet and the philosophi-
cal warehouse chaos at his command, he would engage to manufacture
a planet as good, or, if you would take his word for it, better than this
we inhabit.
And here I cannot help noticing the kindness of Providence in creating
comets for the great relief of bewildered philosophers. By their assistance
more sudden evolutions and transitions are effefted in the system of
nature than are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition by the wonder-
working sword of Harlequin. Should one of our modern sages, in his
theoretical flights among the stars, ever find himself lost in the clouds,
and in danger of tumbling into the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he
has but to seize a comet by the beard, mount astride of his tail, and
away he gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hyppogriff, or a
Connedlicut witch on her broomstick " to sweep the cobwebs out of the
sky."
It is an old and vulgar saying about a "beggar on horseback," which I
would not for the world have applied to these reverend philosophers ;
but I must confess that some of them, when they are mounted on one
of those fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvetings as was Phaeton of
yore when he aspired to manage the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his
comet at full speed against the sun, and knocks the world out of him
with the mighty concussion ; another, more moderate, makes his comet
a kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a regular supply of food and
fagots ; a third, of more combustible disposition, threatens to throw his
comet, like a bomb-shell, into the world, and blow it up like a powder-
magazine ; while a fourth, with no great delicacy to his planet and its
inhabitants, insinuates that some day or other his comet — my modest
pen blushes while I write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon our world,
and deluge it with water ! Surely, as I have already observed, comets
were bountifully provided by Providence for the benefit of philosophers,
to assist them in manufafturing theories.
• Darw. Bot. Garden, Part I. Cant. i. 1. 105.
[ 10 ]
Ch. ii] New York ©^r.
And now, having adduced several of the most prominent theories that
occur to my recollediion, I leave my judicious readers at full liberty to
choose among them. They are all serious speculations of learned men,
all differ essentially from each other, and all have the same title to
belief It has ever been the task of one race of philosophers to demolish
the works of their predecessors and elevate more splendid fantasies in
their stead, which in their turn are demolished and replaced by the air-
castles of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem that knowledge
and genius, of which we make such great parade, consist but in detect-
ing the errors and absurdities of those who have gone before and devis-
ing new errors and absurdities, to be detected by those who are to come
after us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-up
children of science amuse themselves, while the honest vulgar stand
gazing in stupid admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries with the
name of wisdom ! Surely, Socrates was right in his opinion that philoso-
phers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying themselves in things
totally incomprehensible, or which, if they could be comprehended,
would be found not worthy the trouble of discovery.
For my own part, until the learned have come to an agreement among
themselves, I shall content myself with the account handed down to us
by Moses ; in which I do but follow the example of our ingenious neigh-
bors of ComieSiicui, who, at their first settlement, proclaimed that the
colony should be governed by the laws of God — until they had time
to make better !
One thing, however, appears certain, — from the unanimous authority
of the before-quoted philosophers, supported by the evidence of our
own senses (which, though very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously
admitted as additional testimony), — it appears, I say, and I make the
assertion deliberately, without fear of contradiftion, that this globe
really was created, and that it is composed of land and water. It farther
appears that it is curiously divided and parcelled out into continents
and islands, among which I boldly declare the renowned Island of
New York will be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper
place.
Ch
[ II ]
Chapter i i i
HOW that famous ^N^vigator, Noah, was shamefully
nicknamed, and how he committed an unpardonable Oversight in not having
four Sons ; ivith the great trouble of 'T'hilosophers caused thereby, and the
"Discovery o/~ America.
NOAH, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat three
sons, Shem, Ham, and faphet. Authors, it is true, are not
wanting who affirm that the patriarch had a number of
other children. Thus, Berosus, makes him father of the gi-
gantic 'Titans ; Methodius gives him a son called yonithus, or
"Jonicus ; and others have mentioned a son, named Thuiscon, from whom
descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or, in other words, the Dutch nation.
I regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not permit me to
gratify the laudable curiosity of my readers, by investigating minutely
the history of the great Noah. Indeed, such an undertaking would be
attended with more trouble than many people would imagine, for the
good old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his day, and
to have passed under a different name in every country that he visited.
The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his story, merely altering his name
into Xisuthrus — a trivial alteration which, to an historian skilled in
etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It appears, likewise, that
he had exchanged his tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chaldeans for
the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and appears as a monarch in their an-
nals. The Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris ; the Indians
as Menu ; the Greek and Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and
the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly
rank among the most extensive and authentic historians, inasmuch as
they have known the world much longer than any one else, declare that
Noah was no other than Fohi; and what gives this assertion some air of
credibility is, that it is a fa6l, admitted by the most enlightened literati,
that Noah travelled into China at the time of the building of the tower
of Babel (probably to improve himself in the study of languages), and
the learned Dr. Shackford gives us the additional information that the
ark rested on a mountain on the frontiers of China.
From this mass of rational conjectures and sage hypotheses, many sat-
isfactory deductions might be drawn ; but I shall content myself with
[ 12 ]
Ch.iii] New York ^c.
the simple faft stated in the BiS/e, viz., that Noa/i begat three sons,
S/iem, Ham, and Jap/iet. It is astonishing on what remote and obscure
contingencies the great affairs of this world depend, and how events the
most distant, and to the common observer unconnefted, are inevitably-
consequent the one to the other. It remains to the philosopher to dis-
cover these mysterious affinities, and it is the proudest triumph of his
skill to deleft and drag forth some latent chain of causation which at
first sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced observer. Thus many
of my readers will doubtless wonder what connection the family oi Noah
can possibly have with this history, and many will stare when informed
that the whole history of this quarter of the world has taken its char-
after and course from the simple circumstance of the patriarch's having
but three sons. But to explain :
Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, becoming sole
surviving heir and proprietor of the earth, in fee-simple, after the del-
uge, like a good father, portioned out his estate among his children. To
Shetn he gave Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; and to Japhet, Europe. Now, it is a
thousand times to be lamented that he had but three sons, for had there
been a fourth, he would doubtless have inherited America, which, of
course, would have been dragged forth from its obscurity on the occa-
sion, and thus many a hard-working historian and philosopher would
have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjefture respefting the
first discovery and population of this country. Noah, however, having
provided for his three sons, looked in all probability upon our country
as a mere wild, unsettled land, and said nothing about it ; and to this
unpardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the misfortune
that America did not come into the world as early as the other quarters
of the globe.
It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this misconduft to-
wards posterity, and asserted that he really did discover America. Thus
it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a French writer possessed of that
ponderosity of thought and profoundness of refleftion so peculiar to
his nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah peopled this quarter
of the globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who still retained a pas-
sion for the seafaring life, superintended the transmigration. The pious
and enlightened father, Charlevoix, a French Jesuit remarkable for his
aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travellers, is conclu-
sively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still farther, and decides upon
the manner in which the discovery was effefted, which was by sea, and
under the immediate direftion of the great Noah. " I have already ob-
served," exclaims the good father, in a tone of becoming indignation,
[ ^3 ]
A History of [Bk. i
"that it is an arbitrary supposition that the grandchildren of Noah were
not able to penetrate into the New World, or that they never thought of
it. In effeft, I can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who can
seriously believe that Noah and his immediate descendants knew less than
we do, and that the builder and pilot of the greatest ship that ever was
— a ship which was formed to traverse an unbounded ocean and had so
many shoals and quicksands to guard against — should be ignorant of,
or should not have communicated to his descendants, the art of sailing
on the ocean t " Therefore, they did sail on the ocean ; therefore, they
sailed to America ; therefore, America was discovered by Noah !
Now, all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so strikingly char-
afteristic of the good father, being addressed to the faith rather than
the understanding, is flatly opposed by Hans de Laet, who declares it a
real and most ridiculous paradox to suppose that Noah ever entertained
the thought of discovering Atnerica ; and as Ha?7s is a Dutch writer, I
am inclined to believe he must have been much better acquainted with
the worthy crew of the ark than his competitors, and of course possessed
of more accurate sources of information. It is astonishing how intimate
historians do daily become with the patriarchs and other great men of
antiquity. As intimacy improves with time, and as the learned are par-
ticularly inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients,
I should not be surprised if some future writers should gravely give us
a pi(5f ure of men and manners as they existed before the flood far more
copious and accurate than the Bible, and that, in the course of another
century, the log-book of the good Noah should be as current among his-
torians as the voyages of Captain Cool: or the renowned history of Rob-
inson Crusoe.
I shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass of additional
suppositions, conjeftures, and probabilities respecting the first discovery
of this country with which unhappy historians overload themselves in
their endeavors to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful
to see these laborious wights panting, and toiling, and sweating under
an enormous burden at the very outset of their works, which, on being
opened, turns out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, how-
ever, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the fa6l, to the
satisfaction of all the world, that this country has been discovered, I shall
avail myself of their useful labors to be extremely brief upon this point.
I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire whether America was first dis-
covered by a wandering vessel of that celebrated Phoenician fleet which,
according to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa, or by that Carthaginian
expedition which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us discovered the Canary
[ H]
ch. hi] New York ^c.
Islands, or whether it was settled by a temporary colony from 'Tyre, as
hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I shall neither inquire whether it was first
discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great shrewdness advances ; nor
by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the German navi-
gator, as Mr. Otto has endeavored to prove to the savants of the learned
city of Philadelphia.
Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the Welsh, founded on
the voyage of Prince Medoc in the eleventh century, who having never
returned, it has since been wisely concluded that he must have gone
to America, and that for a plain reason, — if he did not go there, where
else could he have gone? — a question which most Socratically shuts
out all farther dispute.
Laying aside, therefore, all the conjeftures above mentioned, with a
multitude of others equally satisfactory, I shall take for granted the
vulgar opinion that America was discovered on the 1 2th of October,
1492, by Christoval Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed
Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voyages and ad-
ventures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing that they are already
sufficiently known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this country
should have been called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously
self-evident.
Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the Atlantic, I pic-
ture them to myself all impatience to enter upon the enjoyment of the
land of promise, and in full expectation that I will immediately deliver
it into their possession. But if I do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of
a regular-bred historian ! No — no, — most curious and thrice learned
readers (for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all that has gone be-
fore, and nine times learned shall ye be if ye read that which comes
after), we have yet a world of work before us. Think you the first dis-
coverers of this fair quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on
shore and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a garden,
wherein they might revel at their ease ? No such thing : they had for-
ests to cut down, underwood to grub' up, marshes to drain, and savages
to exterminate.
In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear away, questions to resolve,
and paradoxes to explain, before I permit you to range at random ; but
these difficulties once overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right mer-
rily through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner,
echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner as the sound of poetry
has been found by certain shrewd critics to echo the sense, — this being
an improvement in history which I claim the merit of having invented.
[ 15 ]
Chapter iv
SHOWING the great difficulty Philosophers have had in
peopling America, and how the Aborigines came to be begotten by Accident
— to the great relief and satisfaSlion of the Author.
THE next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular course
of our history is to ascertain, if possible, how this country
was originally peopled, — a point fruitful of incredible em-
barrassments ; for, unless we prove that the Aborigines did
absolutely come from somewhere, it will be immediately
asserted, in this age of skepticism, that they did not come at all ; and
if they did not come at all, then was this country never populated, — a
conclusion perfe6lly agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irrecon-
cilable to every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically
prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this populous region.
To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical annihilation so
many millions of fellow-creatures, how many wings of geese have been
plundered ! what oceans of ink. have been benevolently drained ! and
how many capacious heads of learned historians have been addled, and
forever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe when I contemplate
the ponderous tomes, in different languages, with which they have en-
deavored to solve this question, so important to the happiness of soci-
ety, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity.
Historian after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hypotheti-
cal argument, and, after leading us a weary chase through oftavos, quar-
tos, and folios, has let us out at the end of his work just as wise as we
were at the beginning. It was doubtless some philosophical wild-goose
chase of the kind that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a pas-
sion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily as "an irksome,
agonizing care, a superstitious industry about unprofitable things, an itch-
ing humor to see what is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies
nothing when it is done." But to proceed.
Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original population of this
country I shall say nothing, as they have already been touched upon in
my last chapter. The claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of
Abraham. Thus, Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus), when he first
discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, with a
[ i6 ]
Ch. iv] New York ^c.
shrewdness that would have done honor to a philosopher, that he had
found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for
embellishing the temple at 'Jerusalem; nay, Colon even imagined that
he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic construction, em-
ployed in refining the precious ore.
So golden a conjedure, tindlured with such fascinating extravagance,
was too tempting not to be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons
of learning ; and, accordingly, there were divers profound writers ready
to swear to its correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authori-
ties and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and Ro-
bertas Stephens declared nothing could be more clear ; Arius Montanus,
without the least hesitation, asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and
the Jews the early settlers of the country ; while Possevin, Becan, and
several other sagacious writers lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth
book oi Esdras, which, being inserted in the mighty hypothesis, like the
key-stone of an arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability.
Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly superstructure, than
in trudges a phalanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Laet, the great
Dutchman, at their head, and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about
their ears. Hans, in fad:, contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to
the first settlement of this country, attributing all those equivocal symp-
toms and traces of Christianity and Judaism which have been said to be
found in divers provinces of the New World to the Devil, who has
always affeCted to counterfeit the worship of the true Deity, — "a re-
mark," says the knowing old Padre d'Acosta, " made by all good au-
thors who have spoken of the religion of nations newly discovered, and
founded besides on the authority of the fathers of the church^ Some
writers, again, among whom it is with much regret I am compelled to
mention Lopez de Gomara and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaan-
ites, being driven from the land of promise by the Jews, were seized
with such a panic that they fled without looking behind them until,
stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe in Atnerica. As they
brought neither their national language, manners, nor features with them,
it is supposed they left them behind in the hurry of their flight. I
cannot give my faith to this opinion.
I pass over the supposition of the learned Grotius, — who, being both an
ambassador and a Dutchman to boot, is entitled to great respeCt, — that
North Atnerica was peopled by a strolling company of Norwegians, and
that Peru was founded by a colony from China, — Manco, or Mango Capac,
the first Inca, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely
mention that father Kircher ascribes the settlement of America to the
[ 17 ]
A History of [Bk. i
Egyptians, RuJbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gau/s, ^uffredus
Petri to a skating party from Fries/and, Milius to the Celtce, Marinocus
the Sicilian to the Ro?nans, Le Compte to the Phoenicians, Postel to the
Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the Abyssinians, together with the sage sur-
mise of De Laet, that England, Ireland, and the Orcades may contend
for that honor.
Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the idea that America
is the fairy region of Zipangri, described by that dreaming traveller,
Marco Polo, the Venetian; or that it comprises the visionary island of
Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither will I stop to investigate the hea-
thenish assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe was
originally furnished with an Adam and Eve ; or the more flattering
opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported by many nameless authorities, that
Adam was of the Indian race ; or the startling conjefture of Biiffon, Hel-
vetius, and Darwin, so highly honorable to mankind, that the whole
human species is accidentally descended from a remarkable family of
monkeys !
This last conjecture, I must own, came upon me very suddenly and very
ungraciously. I have often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while
gazing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all
at once eleftrified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his
shoulders. Little did I think, at such times, that it would ever fall to
my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, and that, while I was
quietly beholding these grave philosophers emulating the eccentric
transformations of the hero of pantomime, they would on a sudden
turn upon me and my readers, and with one hypothetical flourish met-
amorphose us into beasts ! I determined from that moment not to burn
my fingers with any more of their theories, but content myself with
detailing the different methods by which they transported the descend-
ants of these ancient and respeftable monkeys to this great field of theo-
retical warfare.
This was done either by migrations by land or transmigrations by water.
Thus Padre Joseph d Acosta enumerates three passages by land : first,
by the north of Europe; secondly, by the north oi Asia ; and, thirdly,
by regions southward of the Straits of Magellan. The learned Grotius
marches his Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and
arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremherga ;
and various writers, among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Buffon,
anxious for the accommodation of these travellers, have fastened the
two continents together by a strong chain of deductions, — by which
means they could pass over dry-shod. But should even this fail. Pinker-
[ i8 ]
ch. iv] New York ^c.
ton, that industrious old gentleman who compiles books and manu-
factures geographies, has constructed a natural bridge of ice from
continent to continent, at the distance of four or five miles from Be/ir-
ings Straits, — for which he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the
wandering aborigines who ever did or ever will pass over it.
It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the worthy writers above
quoted could ever commence his work without immediately declaring
hostilities against every writer who had treated of the same subject. In
this particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious bird,
which in building its nest is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the
birds in its neighborhood. This unhappy propensity tends grievously to
impede the progress of sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle
productions, and, when once committed to the stream, they should take
care that, like the notable pots which were fellow-voyagers, they do
not crack each other.
My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I have noticed, no
one has attempted to prove that this country was peopled from the
moon ; or that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of ice, as
white bears cruise about the northern oceans ; or that they were con-
veyed hither by balloons, as modern aeronauts pass from Dover to Calais;-
or by witchcraft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars ; or after the
manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New England
witches on full-blooded broomsticks, made most unheard-of journeys
on the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo.
But there is still one mode left by which this country could have been
peopled, which I have reserved for the last, because I consider it worth
all the rest : it is — by accident ! Speaking of the islands oi Solomon, New
Guinea, and New Holland, the profound father Charlevoix observes, " in
fine, all these countries are peopled, and // is possible some have been so
by accident. Now, if it could have happened in that manner, why might
it not have been at the same time and by the same means with the other
parts of the globe ?" This ingenious mode of deducing certain conclu-
sions from possible premises is an improvement in syllogistic skill, and
proves the good father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the
world without anything to rest his lever upon. It is only surpassed by
the dexterity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, cuts
the gordian knot: "Nothing," says he, "is more easy. The inhabi-
tants of both hemispheres are certainly the descendants of the same
father. The common father of mankind received an express order from
Heaven to people the world, and accordingly it has been peopled. To bring
this about, it was necessary to overcome all difficulties in the way, and
[ 19]
A History '^c, [Bk. i
they have also been overcome I'' Pious logician ! How does he put all the
herd of laborious theorists to the blush by explaining in five words
what it has cost them volumes to prove they knew nothing about !
From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of others which I
have consulted, but which are omitted through fear of fatiguing the
unlearned reader, I can only draw the following conclusions, which,
luckily, however, are sufficient for my purpose : First, that this part of
the world has adually been peopled (Q. E. D.), to support which we
have living proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inhabit it.
Secondly, that it has been peopled in five hundred different ways, as
proved by a cloud of authors who, from the positiveness of their asser-
tions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fa6t. Thirdly, that the
people of this country had a variety of fathers, which, as it may not be
thought much to their credit by the common run of readers, the less
we say on the subject the better. The question, therefore, I trust, is
forever at rest.
Ch
[ 20]
Ch
a p t e r v
IN WHICH the Author puts a Mighty ^estion to the
rout, by the Assistance of the Man in the Moon, — which not only de-
livers 'Thousands of People from great Embarrassment, but likewise concludes
this IntroduBory Book.
THE writer of a history may, in some respefts, be likened
unto an adventurous knight, who, having undertaken a
perilous enterprise by way of establishing his fame, feels
bound, in honor and chivalry, to turn back for no diffi-
culty nor hardship and never to shrink or quail, whatever
enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I resolutely draw my
pen, and fall to with might and main at those doughty questions and
subtle paradoxes which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the
entrance to my history and would fain repulse me from the very thresh-
old. And at this moment a gigantic question has started up which I
must needs take by the beard and utterly subdue before I can advance
another step in my historic undertaking ; but I trust this will be the
last adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the next book
I shall be enabled to condu6l my readers in triumph into the body of
my work.
The question which has thus suddenly arisen is. What right had the
first discoverers of America to land and take possession of a country,
without first gaining the consent of its inhabitants or yielding them an
adequate compensation for their territory ? — a question which has with-
stood many fierce assaults, and has given much distress of mind to mul-
titudes of kind-hearted folk. And indeed, until it be totally vanquished
and put to rest, the worthy people of America can by no means enjoy
the soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet, unsullied
consciences.
The first source of right by which property is acquired in a country
is DISCOVERY ; for, as all mankind have an equal right to anything which
has never before been appropriated, so any nation that discovers an un-
inhabited country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as enjoying
full property, and absolute, unquestionable empire therein.*
• Grotius. Puffendorff, b. v, c. 4. Vattel, b. i. c. 18, &c.
[ 21 ]
A History of [Bk. i
This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly that the Europeans
who first visited Awerica were the real discoverers of the same, nothing
being necessary to the establishment of this faft but simply to prove
that it was totally uninhabited by men. This would at first appear to
be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known that this quarter of
the world abounded with certain animals that walked ere6t on two
feet, had something of a human countenance, uttered certain unintel-
ligible sounds, very much like language ; in short, had a marvellous
resemblance to human beings. But the zealous and enlightened fathers
who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose of promoting the
kingdom of heaven by establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on
earth, soon cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaftion ot his holi-
ness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and discoverers.
They plainly proved (and as there were no Indian writers arose on the
other side, the fad: was considered as fully admitted and established)
that the two-legged race of animals before mentioned were mere can-
nibals, detestable monsters, and many of them giants, — which last de-
scription of vagrants have, since the time of Gog", Magog, and Goliath,
been considered as outlaws, and have received no quarter in either history,
chivalry, or song. Indeed, even the philosophic Bacon declared the Ameri-
cans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had
a barbarous custom of sacrificing men and feeding upon man's flesh.
Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism. Among many other
writers of discernment, JJlloa tells us : "Their imbecility is so visible that
one can hardly form an idea of them different from what one has of the
brutes. Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insensi-
ble to disasters and to prosperity. Though half naked, they are as con-
tented as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear makes no impression
on them, and respedt as little." All this is furthermore supported by the
authority of M. Bouguer. "It is not easy," says he, "to describe the de-
gree of their indifference for wealth and all its advantages. One does not
well know what motives to propose to them when one would persuade
them to any service. It is vain to offer them money ; they answer they
are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that
"ambition they have none, and are more desirous of being thought
strong than valiant. The objefts of ambition with us — honor, fame,
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions — are unknown among them ;
so that this powerful spring of aftion, the cause of so much seeming good
and 7'eal evil in the world, has no power over them. In a word, these
unhappy mortals may be compared to children in whom the develop-
ment of reason is not completed."
[ 22 ]
Ch. v] N E W Y O R K
Now, all these peculiarities, although in the most unenlightened states
of Greece they would have entitled their possessors to immortal honor
as having reduced to practice those rigid and abstemious maxims, — the
mere talking about which acquired certain old Greeks the reputation
of sages and philosophers, — yet were they clearly proved in the pres-
ent instance to betoken a most abjeft and brutified nature, totally be-
neath the human character. But the benevolent fathers who had
undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into dumb beasts by dint
of argument, advanced still stronger proofs; for, as certain divines of
the sixteenth century, and among the rest Lu//us, affirm, the Ameri-
cans go naked, and have no beards ! "They have nothing," says Lullus,
"of the reasonable animal, except the mask." And even that mask was
allowed to avail them but little, for it was soon found that they were
of a hideous copper complexion ; and being of a copper complexion, it
was all the same as if they were negroes ; and negroes are black, — "and
black," said the pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves, "is the
color of the Devil V Therefore, so far from being able to own prop-
erty, they had no right even to personal freedom ; for liberty is too ra-
diant a deity to inhabit such gloomy temples. All which circumstances
plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes and Pizarro that these
miscreants had no title to the soil that they infested ; that they were a per-
verse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, black-seed, — mere wild beasts of the
forests, and, like them, should either be subdued or exterminated.
From the foregoing arguments, therefore, and a variety of others equally
conclusive which I forbear to enumerate, it is clearly evident that this
fair quarter of the globe, when first visited by Europeans, was a howling
wilderness, inhabited by nothing but wild beasts, and that the trans-
atlantic visitors acquired an incontrovertible property therein by the
right of discovery.
This right being fully established, we now come to the next, which is
the right acquired by cultivation. "The cultivation of the soil," we are
told, "is an obligation imposed by nature on mankind. The whole world
is appointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants; but it would be
incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every nation is, then, obliged
by the law of nature to cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share.
Those people, like the ancient Germans and modern T'artars, who, hav-
ing fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose to live
by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be exterminated as
savage and pernicious beasts.'''"'^
* Vattel, b. i. ch. 17.
[ 23 ]
A History of [Bk. i
Now, it is notorious that the savages knew nothing of agriculture when
first discovered by the 'Europeans^ but lived a most vagabond, disorderly,
unrighteous life, — rambling from place to place, and prodigally rioting
upon the spontaneous luxuries of nature without tasking her generosity
to yield them anything more ; whereas it has been most unquestionably
shown that Heaven intended the earth should be ploughed and sown,
and manured, and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms, and country-
seats, and pleasure-grounds, and public gardens ; — all which the Indians
knew nothing about : therefore, they did not improve the talents Provi-
dence had bestowed on them : therefore, they were careless stewards :
therefore, they had no right to the soil : therefore, they deserved to be
exterminated.
It is true, the savages might plead that they drew all the benefits from
the land which their simple wants required, — they found plenty of game
to hunt, which, together with the roots and uncultivated fruits of the
earth, furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal repasts, — and that,
as Heaven merely designed the earth to form the abode and satisfy the
wants of man, so long as those purposes were answered, the will of
Heaven was accomplished. But this only proves how undeserving they
were of the blessings around them : they were so much the more sav-
ages, for not having more wants ; for knowledge is in some degree an
increase of desires ; and it is this superiority both in the number and
magnitude of his desires that distinguishes the man from the beast.
Therefore, the Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreason-
able animals, and it was but just that they should make way for the
Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and, therefore, would
turn the earth to more account, and, by cultivating it, more truly fulfil
the will of Heaven. Besides {Grotius, and Lauterbach, and Puffendorff,
and Titius, and many wise men beside, who have considered the mat-
ter properly, have determined that the property of a country cannot be
acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing water in it), nothing
but precise demarcation of limits and the intention of cultivation can
establish the possession. Now, as the savages (probably from never hav-
ing read the authors above quoted) had never complied with any of
these necessary forms, it plainly follows that they had no right to the
soil, but that it was completely at the disposal of the first comers, who
had more knowledge, more wants, and more elegant — that is to say,
artificial — desires than themselves.
In entering upon a newly discovered, uncultivated country, therefore,
the new-comers were but taking possession of what, according to the
aforesaid doctrine, was their own property ; therefore, in opposing
[ 24]
Thev introduced among them rum, gin, and brandy, and the other comforti of life
ch. v] New York ^c.
them, the savages were invading their just rights, infringing the im-
mutable laws of nature, and counteracting the will of Heaven : there-
fore, they were guilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case :
therefore, they were hardened offenders against God and man : there-
fore, they ought to be exterminated.
But a more irresistible right than either that I have mentioned, and
one which will be the most readily admitted by my reader, provided
he be blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is the right
acquired by civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in
which these poor savages were found. Not only deficient in the com-
forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously and unfortunately
blind to the miseries of their situation. But no sooner did the benevo-
lent inhabitants of Europe behold their sad condition than they imme-
diately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. They introduced
among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other comforts of life ; and it
is astonishing to read how soon the poor savages learned to estimate
those blessings. They likewise made known to them a thousand reme-
dies by which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed ;
and that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts
of these medicines, they previously introduced among them the diseases
which they were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of other
methods was the condition of these poor savages wonderfully improved ;
they acquired a thousand wants of which they had before been igno-
rant ; and as he has most sources of happiness who has most wants to
be gratified, they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of
beings.
But the most important branch of civilization, and which has most
strenuously been extolled by the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish
Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight
that might well inspire horror, to behold these savages tumbling among
the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most horrible igno-
rance of religion. It is true, they neither stole nor defrauded ; they were
sober, frugal, continent, and faithful to their word ; but, though they
afted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they a6ted so from pre-
cept. The new-comers, therefore, used every method to induce them to
embrace and practise the true religion, except indeed that of setting
them the example.
But notwithstanding all these complicated labors for their good, such
was the unparalleled obstinacy of these stubborn wretches that they un-
gratefully refused to acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and
persisted in disbelieving the doCtrines they endeavored to inculcate,
[ 25 ]
A History of [Bk. i
most insolently alleging that, from their conduft, the advocates of
Christianity did not seem to believe in it themselves. Was not this too
much for human patience ? Would not one suppose that the benign
visitants from Europe, provoked at their incredulity and discouraged
by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would forever have abandoned their
shores and consigned them to their original ignorance and misery ?
But no ; so zealous w^ere they to effed: the temporal comfort and eternal
salvation of these pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from the
milder means of persuasion to the more painful and troublesome one
of persecution ; let loose among them whole troops of fiery monks and
furious bloodhounds ; purified them by fire and sword, by stake and
fagot ; in consequence of which indefatigable measures, the cause of
Christian love and charity was so rapidly advanced that in a few years
not one-fifth of the number of unbelievers existed in South America that
were found there at the time of its discovery.
What stronger right need the European settlers advance to the country
than this .? Have not whole nations of uninformed savages been made
acquainted with a thousand imperious wants and indispensable com-
forts of which they were before wholly ignorant ? Have they not been
literally hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking-places of igno-
rance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the riglit path .? Have
not the temporal things, the vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world,
which were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been
benevolently taken from them, and have they not, instead thereof, been
taught to set their affeftions on things above } And, finally, to use the
words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter to his superior in Spain,
" Can any one have the presumption to say that these savage Pagans
have yielded anything more than an inconsiderable recompense to their
benefactors, in surrendering to them a little pitiful traft of this dirty
sublunary planet in exchange for a glorious inheritance in the kingdom
of heaven .? "
Here, then, are three complete and undeniable sources of right estab-
lished, any one of which was more than ample to establish a property
in the newly discovered regions of America. Now, so it has happened
in certain parts of this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of
discovery has been so strenuously asserted, the influence of cultivation
so industriously extended, and the progress of salvation and civilization
so zealously prosecuted, that, what with their attendant wars, persecu-
tions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that often hang on
the skirts of great benefits, the savage aborigines have, somehow or an-
other, been utterly annihilated. And this all at once brings me to a
[ 26 ]
Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C.
fourth right, which is worth all the others put together ; for, the origi-
nal claimants to the soil being all dead and buried, and no one remain-
ing to inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate
occupants, entered upon the possession as clearly as the hangman suc-
ceeds to the clothes of the malefaftor ; and as they have Blackstone* and
all the learned expounders of the law on their side, they may set all
actions of ejeftment at defiance; — and this last right may be entitled
the Right by Extermination, or, in other words, the Right by Gun-
powder.
But lest any scruples of conscience should remain on this head, and to
settle the question of right forever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI. is-
sued a bull, by which he generously granted the newly discovered quar-
ter ot the globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese, who, thus having law
and gospel on their side, and being inflamed with great spiritual zeal,
showed the Pagan savages neither favor nor affection, but prosecuted
the work of discovery, colonization, civilization, and extermination with
ten times more fury than ever.
Thus were the European worthies who first discovered America clearly
entitled to the soil ; and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the
eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having come so far, endured
so many perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no
other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivilized, and heathenish
condition, — for having made them acquainted with the comforts of life,
— for having introduced among them the light of religion, and, finally,
for having hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its reward !
But as argument is never so well understood by us selfish mortals as when
it comes home to ourselves, and as I am particularly anxious that this
question should be put to rest forever, I will suppose a parallel case, by
way of arousing the candid attention of my readers.
Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of the moon, by astonishing
advancement in science, and by profound insight into that lunar phil-
osophy, the mere flickerings of which have of late years dazzled the
feeble optics and addled the shallow brains of the good people of our
globe, — let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the moon, by
these means, had arrived at such a command of their energies, such an
enviable state oi perfeSlibility, as to control the elements and navigate
the boundless regions of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these
soaring philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of discovery
among the stars, should chance to alight upon this outlandish planet.
• Bl. Com. b. ii. c. i.
[ 27 ]
A History of [Bk. i
And here I beg my readers will not have the uncharitableness to smile,
as is too frequently the fault of volatile readers when perusing the
grave speculations of philosophers. I am far from indulging in any
sportive vein at present ; nor is the supposition I have been making
so wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very serious and anx-
ious question with me, and many a time and oft, in the course of my
overwhelming cares and contrivances for the welfare and protection of
this my native planet, have I lain awake whole nights debating in my
mind whether it were most probable we should first discover and civ-
ilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize our globe. Neither
would the prodigy of sailing in the air and cruising among the stars
be a whit more astonishing and incomprehensible to us than was the
European mystery of navigating floating castles through the world of
waters to the simple natives. We have already discovered the art of
coasting along the aerial shores of our planet by means of balloons, as
the savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts in canoes ; and the
disparity between the former and the aerial vehicles of the philoso-
phers from the moon might not be greater than that between the bark
canoes of the savages and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I
might here pursue an endless chain of similar speculations ; but, as they
would be unimportant to my subjeft, I abandon them to my reader,
particularly if he be a philosopher, as matters well worthy of his atten-
tive consideration.
To return, then, to my supposition : Let us suppose that the aerial
visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly superior knowledge to
ourselves, — that is to say, possessed of superior knowledge in the art of
extermination, riding on hippogriffs, defended with impenetrable armor,
armed with concentrated sunbeams, and provided with vast engines to
hurl enormous moonstones, — in short, let us suppose them, if our vanity
will permit the supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and con-
sequently in power, as the Europeans were to the Indians when they first
discovered them. All this is very possible — it is only our self-sufficiency
that makes us think otherwise ; and I warrant the poor savages, before
they had any knowledge of the white men, armed in all the terrors of
glittering steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly convinced
that they themselves were the wisest, the most virtuous, powerful, and
perfeft of created beings as are, at this present moment, the lordly in-
habitants of old England, the volatile populace of France, or even the
self-satisfied citizens of this most enlightened republic.
Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagers, finding this planet
to be nothing but a howling wilderness, inhabited by us poor savages
[ 28 ]
Ch.v] New York ^c.
and wild beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the name of his
most gracious and philosophic excellency, the man in the moon. Find-
ing, however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in com-
plete subjeftion, on account of the ferocious barbarity of its inhabitants,
they shall take our worthy President, the King of England^ the Em-
peror of Hayti^ the mighty Bonaparte, and the great King of Bantam,
and, returning to their native planet, shall carry them to court, as were
the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts of 'Europe.
Then, making such obeisance as the etiquette of the court requires,
they shall address the puissant man in the moon in, as near as I can
conjefture, the following terms :
"Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions extend as far as
eye can reach, who rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking-
glass, and maintaineth unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea-
crabs: We, thy liege subjeds, have just returned from a voyage of dis-
covery, in the course of which we have landed and taken possession of
that obscure little dirty planet which thou beholdest rolling at a dis-
tance. The five uncouth monsters which we have brought into this
august presence were once very important chiefs among their fellow-
savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute of the common attri-
butes of humanity, and differing in everything from the inhabitants of
the moon, inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their shoulders, in-
stead of under their arms, have two eyes instead of one, are utterly
destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particularly
of horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green.
"We have, moreover, found these miserable savages sunk into a state of
the utmost ignorance and depravity, every man shamelessly living with
his own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of indulging in that
community of wives enjoined by the law of nature as expounded by
the philosophers of the moon. In a word, they have scarcely a gleam
of true philosophy among them, but are, in faft, utter heretics, ignora-
muses, and barbarians. Taking compassion, therefore, on the sad condi-
tion of these sublunary wretches, we have endeavored, while we re-
mained on their planet, to introduce among them the light of reason
and the comforts of the moon. We have treated them to mouthfuls of
moonshine and draughts of nitrous oxide, which they swallowed with
incredible voracity, particularly the females ; and we have likewise en-
deavored to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We have
insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible shackles of religion
and common-sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and all-per-
fed energy, and the ecstatic, immutable, immovable perfedion. But
[ 29 ]
A History of [Bk. i
such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they
persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to their religion, and
absolutely set at naught the sublime doctrines of the moon ; nay, among
other abominable heresies, they even went so far as blasphemously to
declare that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor less
than green cheese ! "
At these words the great man in the moon, being a very profound phil-
osopher, shall fall into a terrible passion, and possessing equal authority
over things that do not belong to him as did whilom his holiness the
Pope, shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, specifying, " That, whereas
a certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered and taken possession
of a newly discovered planet called the earth ; and that, whereas it is
inhabited by none but a race of two-legged animals that carry their
heads on their shoulders instead of under their arms, cannot talk the
lunatic language, have two eyes instead of one, are destitute of tails,
and of a horrible whiteness instead of pea-green : — therefore, and for a
variety of other excellent reasons, they are considered incapable of pos-
sessing any property in the planet they infest, and the right and title to
it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And furthermore, the colo-
nists who are now about to depart to the aforesaid planet are authorized
and commanded to use every means to convert these infidel savages from
the darkness of Christianity, and make them thorough and absolute
lunatics."
In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic benefaftors go
to work with hearty zeal. They seize upon our fertile territories, scourge
us from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our wives ; and when
we are unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us and
say : Miserable barbarians ! ungrateful wretches ! have we not come
thousands of miles to improve your worthless planet ; have we not fed
you with moonshine ; have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxide ;
does not our moon give you light every night, and have you the
baseness to murmur when we claim a pitiful return for all these ben-
efits .? But finding that we not only persist in absolute contempt of
their reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but even go so far
as daringly to defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted,
and they shall resort to their superior powers of argument, — hunt us
with hippogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sunbeams, demolish
our cities with moonstones, — until, having by main force converted
us to the true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist in the
torrid deserts of Arabia or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to
enjoy the blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy,
[ 30 ]
Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C.
in much the same manner as the reformed and enhghtened savages of
this country are kindly suffered to inhabit the inhospitable forests
of the North or the impenetrable wildernesses of Soi^/! America.
Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly illustrated, the
right of the early colonists to the possession of this country ; and thus
is this gigantic question completely vanquished : so, having manfully
surmounted all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains
but that I should forthwith condu6l my readers into the city which
we have been so long in a manner besieging ? But hold ; before I pro-
ceed another step, I must pause to take breath and recover from the
excessive fatigue I have undergone in preparing to begin this most
accurate of histories. And in this I do but imitate the example of a
renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity who took a start of three miles
for the purpose of jumping over a hill, but, having run himself out of
breath by the time he reached the foot, sat himself quietly down for a
few moments to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure.
[ 31 ]
BOOK II
T'reating of
The First Settlement of the Province of
JI^teutDdl^et)erlanUt0
BOOK
I I
Chapter i
IN WHICH are contained Divers Reasons why a Man
should not write in a hurry; also, of Master Hendrick Hudson, his Dis-
covery of a Strange Country, and how he was magnificently rewarded by
the Munificence of their %\^ ^i0|)tinCSSe0.
MY great-grandfather, by the mother's side, Hermanus van
Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone
church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred
yards to your left after you turn off from the Boomkeys,
and which is so conveniently constructed that all the
zealous Christians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon there
to any other church in the city, — my great-grandfather, I say, when
employed to build that famous church, did in the first place send to
Delft for a box of long pipes ; then, having purchased a new spitting-
box and a hundred-weight of the best Virginia, he sat himself down,
and did nothing for the space of three months but smoke most labo-
riously. Then did he spend full three months more in trudging on foot,
and voyaging in trekschuit, from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft —
to Haerlem — to Ley den — to the Hague, knocking his head and breaking
his pipe against every church in his road. Then did he advance grad-
ually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, until he came in full sight of the
identical spot whereon the church was to be built. Then did he spend
three months longer in walking round it and round it, contemplating
it, first from one point of view and then from another ; now would
he be paddled by it on the canal, now would he peep at it through
a telescope from the other side of the Meuse, and now would he take
a bird's-eye glance at it from the top of one of those gigantic wind-
mills which proteft the gates of the city. The good folks of the place
were on the tiptoe ot expectation and impatience ; notwithstanding
all the turmoil of my great-grandfather, not a symptom of the church
was yet to be seen ; they even began to fear it would never be brought
into the world, but that its great projecflor would lie down and die in
[ 35"]
A History of [Bk. n
labor of the mighty plan he had conceived. At length, having occupied
twelve good months in puffing and paddling, and talking and walking,
— having travelled over all Holland, and even taken a peep into France
and Germany, having smoked five hundred and ninety-nine pipes,
and three hundred-weight of the best Virginia tobacco, — my great-
grandfather gathered together all that knowing and industrious class
of citizens who prefer attending to anybody's business sooner than
their own, and, having pulled off his coat and five pair of breeches,
he advanced sturdily up and laid the corner-stone of the church, in
presence of the whole multitude — just at the commencement of the
thirteenth month.
In a similar manner, and with the example of my worthy ancestor
full before my eyes, have I proceeded in writing this most authentic
history. The honest Rotterdamers no doubt thought my great-grand-
father was doing nothing at all to the purpose while he was making
such a world of prefatory bustle about the building of his church
and many of the ingenious inhabitants of this fair city will unquestion-
ably suppose that all the preliminary chapters, with the discovery,
population, and final settlement of America, were totally irrelevant and
superfluous, and that the main business, the history of New York, is
not a jot more advanced than if I had never taken up my pen. Never
were wise people more mistaken in their conjectures : in consequence
of going to work slowly and deliberately, the church came out of my
grandfather's hands one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious
edifices in the known world, excepting that, like our magnificent
capitol at Washington, it was begun on so grand a scale that the good
folks could not afford to finish more than the wing of it. So, likewise,
I trust, if ever I am able to finish this work on the plan I have com-
menced (of which, in simple truth, I sometimes have my doubts), it
will be found that I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as exem-
plified in the writings of all the great American historians, and wrought
a very large history out of a small subje(5t — which, nowadays, is con-
sidered one of the great triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then,
with the thread of my story.
In the ever-memorable year of our Lord 1609, on a Saturday morn-
ing, the five-and-twentieth day of March, old style, did that "worthy
and irrecoverable discoverer (as he has justly been called). Master
Henry Hudson," set sail from Holland in a stout vessel called the Half-
Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, to seek a
northwest passage to China.
Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) Hudson was a
[ 36 ]
Ch.i] New York ^c.
seafaring man of renown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under Sir
Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the first to introduce it into
Holland, which gained him much popularity in that country, and
caused him to find great favor in the eyes of their High Mightinesses,
the Lords States General, and also of the honorable IVest India Company.
He was a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a double chin, a
mastiff mouth, and a broad copper nose, which was supposed in those
days to have acquired its fiery hue from the constant neighborhood of
his tobacco-pipe.
He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in a leathern belt, and a com-
modore's cocked hat on one side of his head. He was remarkable for
always jerking up his breeches when he gave out his orders, and his
voice sounded not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, owing to the
number of hard northwesters which he had swallowed in the course of
his seafaring.
Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard so much and know
so little ; and I have been thus particular in his description for the ben-
efit of modern painters and statuaries, that they may represent him as
he was, and not, according to their common custom with modern he-
roes, make him look like Casar, or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of
Belvidere.
As chief mate and favorite companion, the commodore chose Master
Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. By some his name has been
spelled Chewit, and ascribed to the circumstances of his having been
the first man that ever chewed tobacco ; but this I believe to be a mere
flippancy, more especially as certain of his progeny are living at this
day who write their names 'Juet. He was an old comrade and early
schoolmate of the great Hudson, with whom he had often played truant
and sailed chip boats in a neighboring pond when they were little
boys — from whence it is said that the commodore first derived his bias
towards a seafaring life. Certain it is that the old people about hime-
house declared Robert "Juet to be an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief,
that would one day or other come to the gallows.
He grew up, as boys of that kind often grow up, a rambling, heedless
varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the world, meeting with more
perils and wonders than did Sinbad the Sailor, without growing a whit
more wise, prudent, or ill-natured. Under every misfortune he com-
forted himself with a quid of tobacco and the truly philosophic maxim
that "it will be all the same thing a hundred years hence." He was
skilled in the art of carving anchors and true-lover's knots on the bulk-
heads and quarter-railings, and was considered a great wit on board
[ 37 ]
A History of [Bk. u
ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on everybody around, and
now and then even making a wry face at old Hendrick when his back
was turned.
To this universal genius are we indebted for many particulars concern-
ing this voyage, of which he wrote a history, at the request of the
commodore, who had an unconquerable aversion to writing himself,
from having received so many floggings about it when at school. To
supply the deficiencies of Master y//f/'j journal, which is written with
true log-book brevity, I have availed myself of divers family traditions,
handed down from my great-great-grandfather, who accompanied the
expedition in the capacity of cabin-boy.
From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of remark happened
in the voyage ; and it mortifies me exceedingly that I have to admit
so noted an expedition into my work without making any more of it.
Suffice it to say, the voyage was prosperous and tranquil ; the crew,
being a patient people, much given to slumber and vacuity, and but
little troubled with the disease of thinking — a malady of the mind
which is the sure breeder of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance
of gin and sourkrout, and every man was allowed to sleep quietly at
his post, unless the wind blew. True it is, some slight disaffection was
shown on two or three occasions at certain unreasonable conduft ot
Commodore Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten sail when
the wind was light and the weather serene, which was considered
among the most experienced Dutch seamen as certain weather-breeders,
or prognostics that the weather would change for the worse. He afted,
moreover, in diredt contradiftion to that ancient and sage rule of the
Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night, put the helm a-port,
and turned in — by which precaution they had a good night's rest,
were sure of knowing where they were the next morning, and stood
but little chance of running down a continent in the dark. He like-
wise prohibited the seamen from wearing more than five jackets and
six pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering them more alert ; and
no man was permitted to go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in his
mouth, as is the invariable Dutch custom at the present day. All these
grievances, though they might ruffle for a moment the constitutional
tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient impression ;
they ate hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasurably ; and, being
under the especial guidance of Providence, the ship was safely con-
ducted to the coast of America, where, after sundry unimportant touch-
ings and standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of Sep-
tember, entered that majestic bay which at this day expands its ample
[ 38 ]
Ch.i] N e w Y o r k ^c,
bosom before the city of New Tork, and which had never before been
visited by any European*
It has been traditionary in our family, that when the great navigator was
first blessed with a view of this enchanting island, he was observed, for the
first and only time in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment
and admiration. He is said to have turned to Master J uet, and uttered these
remarkable words, while he pointed towards this paradise of the new world,
" See ! there ! " and thereupon, as was always his way when he was uncom-
monly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of dense tobacco-smoke that in
one minute the vessel was out of sight of land, and Master Juet was fain
to wait until the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog.
It was indeed, as my great-grandfather used to say (though, in truth,
I never heard him, for he died, as might be expected, before I was
born), "It was indeed a spot on which the eye might have revelled
forever, in ever new and never-ending beauties." The island of Manna-
hata spread wide before them, like some sweet vision of fancy or some
fair creation of industrious magic. Its hills of smiling green swelled
gently one above another, crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth —
some pointing their tapering foliage towards the clouds, which were
gloriously transparent, and others loaded with a verdant burden of
clambering vines, bowing their branches to the earth, that was covered
with flowers. On the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered in
gay profusion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and the wild brier, whose
scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among the deep
green of the surrounding foliage ; and here and there a curling column
•True it is (and I am not ignorant of the faft), that in a certain apocryphal book of voyages,
compiled by one Hakluyt, is to be found a letter written to Francis the First, by one Giovanne,
or Jolm VeraTixani, on which some writers are inclined to found a belief that this delightful bay
had been visited nearly a century previous to the voyage of the enterprising Hudson. Now this
(albeit it has met with the countenance of certain very judicious and learned men) I hold in utter
disbelief, and that for various good and substantial reasons : First, Because on striil examination
it will be found that the description given by this Veraxxani applies about as well to the bay of
Netv York as it does to my nightcap. Secondly, Because that this "Jol-.n Veraxxani, for whom I
already begin to feel a most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence — and everybody knows the
crafty wiles of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the laurels from the brows of
the immortal Colon (vulgarly called Columbus ) and bestowed them on their officious townsman,
Amerigo Vespucci ; and I make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the illustrious Hudson of
the credit of discovering this beautiful island, adorned by the city of New York, and placing it
beside their usurped discovery of South America, And, tlirdly, I award my decision in favor of
the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedition sailed from Holland, being truly
and absolutely a Dutch enterprise ; and, though all the proofs in the world were introduced on
the other side, 1 would set them at naught, as undeserving my attention. If these three reasons
be not sufficient to satisfy every burgher of this ancient city, all I can sav is, they are degenerate
descendants from their venerable Dutch ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of convin-
cing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindicated.
[ 39 ]
A History of [Bk. h
of smoke, rising from the little glens that opened along the shore, seemed
to promise the weary voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow-
creatures. As they stood gazing with entranced attention on the scene
before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, issued from one of these
glens, and after contemplating in wonder the gallant ship, as she sat
like a stately swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop
and bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter astonishment
of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard such a noise or wit-
nessed such a caper in their whole lives.
Of the transactions of our adventurers with the savages, and how the
latter smoked copper pipes, and ate dried currants ; how they brought
great store of tobacco and oysters ; how they shot one of the ship's
crew, and how he was buried, I shall say nothing, being that I con-
sider them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few days in
the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their seafaring, our voya-
gers weighed anchor, to explore a mighty river which emptied into
the bay. This river, it is said, was known among the savages by the
name of the Shatemuck; though we are assured in an excellent little
history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that it was called
the Mohegan,^ and Master Richard Blome, who wrote some time after-
wards, asserts the same, — so that I very much incline in favor of the
opinion of these two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river
did the adventurous Hendrick proceed, little doubting but it would turn
out to be the much-looked-for passage to China !
The journal goes on to make mention of divers interviews between the
crew and the natives, in the voyage up the river ; but, as they would
be impertinent to my history, I shall pass over them in silence, except
the following dry joke, played off by the old commodore and his
school-fellow, Robert yuet, which does such vast credit to their experi-
mental philosophy that I cannot refrain from inserting it. "Our master
and his mate determined to try some of the chiefe men of the countrey,
whether they had any treacherie in them. So they tooke them downe
into the cabin, and gave them so much wine and aqua vitas that they
were all merrie ; and one of them had his wife with him, which sate
so modestly, as any of our countrey women would do in a strange place.
In the end, one of them was drunke, which had been aborde of our
ship all the time that we had been there ; and that was strange to them,
for they could not tell how to take it."j-
* This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map as Manhattan, Noordt Montaigne, and Mauritius
river.
t Juet's Journ. Purch. Pil.
[ 40 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C.
Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment that the natives
were an honest, social race of jolly roysters, who had no objeftion to a
drinking-bout and were very merry in their cups, the old commodore
chuckled hugely to himself, and, thrusting a double quid of tobacco in
his cheek, direfted Master yuet to have it carefully recorded, for the
satisfaction of all the natural philosophers of the university of Leyden ;
which done, he proceeded on his voyage with great self-compla-
cency. After sailing, however, above an hundred miles up the river,
he found the watery world around him began to grow more shallow
and confined, the current more rapid, and perfectly fresh — phenomena
not uncommon in the ascent of rivers, but which puzzled the honest
Dutchmen prodigiously. A consultation was therefore called, and, having
deliberated full six hours, they were brought to a determination by the
ship's running aground, whereupon they unanimously concluded that
there was but little chance of getting to China in this direction. A
boat, however, was despatched to explore higher up the river, which,
on its return, confirmed the opinion ; upon this the ship was warped
off and put about with great difficulty, being, like most of her sex,
exceedingly hard to govern ; and the adventurous Hudson^ according
to the account of my great-great-grandfather, returned down the river
— with a prodigious flea in his ear !
Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting to China un-
less, like the blind man, he returned from whence he set out and took
a fresh start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to Holland, where he was
received with great welcome by the honorable ILast India Company,
who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe — with their
ship ; and at a large and respeftable meeting of the first merchants and
burgomasters of Amsterdam it was unanimously determined that, as a
munificent reward for the eminent services he had performed, and the
important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan should be
called after his name ! — and it continues to be called Hudson River unto
this very day.
Chap
[41 ]
Chapter i i
CONTAINING an Account of a ?njghty ^rk which Jloat-
ed, under the proteBion o/'St. Nicholas, /row ll)OllanD to Gibbet Island ;
the descent of the strange Animals therefrom ; a great ViStory, and a De-
scription of the Ancient Village o/'Communipaw.
THE delectable accounts given by the great Hudson, and
Master Juet, of the country they had discovered, excited
not a little talk and speculation among the good people of
Hollatid. Letters-patent were granted by government to an
association of merchants, called the West India Company,
for the exclusive trade on Hudson^wtr, on which they erefted a trad-
ing-house, called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from whence did spring the
great city oi Albany. But I forbear to dwell on the various commercial
and colonizing enterprises which took, place, — among which was that
of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a name to Block
Island, since famous for its cheese, — and shall barely confine myself to
that which gave birth to this renowned city.
It was some three or four years after the return of the immortal Hen-
drick that a crew of honest Low-Dutch colonists set sail from the city
oi Amsterdam for the shores oi America. It is an irreparable loss to his-
tory, and a great proof of the darkness of the age, and the lamentable
negleft of the noble art of book-making, since so industriously culti-
vated by knowing sea-captains and learned supercargoes, that an ex-
pedition so interesting and important in its results should be passed
over in utter silence. To my great-great-grandfather am I again in-
debted for the fa<5ts I am enabled to give concerning it, he having
once more embarked for this country, with a full determination, as he
said, of ending his days here, and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers
that should rise to be great men in the land.
The ship in which these illustrious adventurers set sail was called the
Goede Vrouw, or good woman, in compliment to the wife of the Presi-
dent of the West India Company, who was allowed by everybody (ex-
cept her husband) to be a sweet-tempered lady — when not in liquor.
It was in truth a most gallant vessel, of the most approved Dutch con-
struction, and made by the ablest ship-carpenters of Amsterdam, who, it
is well known, always model their ships after the fair forms of their
[ 42 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C.
countrywomen. Accordingly, it had one hundred feet in the beam, one
hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom of the
stern-post to the taffrail. Like the beauteous model, who was declared
to be the greatest belle in Amsten/am, it was full in the bows, with a
pair of enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal a most pro-
digious poop !
The architeft, who was somewhat of a religious man, far from deco-
rating the ship with pagan idols, such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules
(which heathenish abominations, I have no doubt, occasion the misfor-
tunes and shipwreck of many a noble vessel), — he, I say, on the con-
trary, did laudably ered: for a head a goodly image of St. Nicholas,
equipped with a low, broad-brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flemish trunk-
hose, and a pipe that reached to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly
furnished, the stanch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out
of the harbor of the great city of ^Amsterdam, and all the bells that
were not otherwise engaged rang a triple bob-major on the joyful oc-
casion.
My great-great-grandfather remarks that the voyage was uncommonly
prosperous, for, being under the especial care of the ever-revered St.
Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed to be endowed with qualities un-
known to common vessels. Thus she made as much leeway as headway,
could get along very nearly as fast with the wind ahead as when it was
a-poop, and was particularly great in a calm ; in consequence of which
singular advantages she made out to accomplish her voyage in a very
few months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, a little
to the east of Gibbet Island.
Here, lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on what is at present called
the Jersey shore, a small Indian village pleasantly embowered in a
grove of spreading elms, and the natives all collefted on the beach,
gazing in stupid admiration at the Goede Vrouw. A boat was immedi-
ately despatched to enter into a treaty with them, and, approaching the
shore, hailed them through a trumpet in the most friendly terms ; but
so horribly confounded were these poor savages at the tremendous and
uncouth sound of the Low-Dutch language, that they one and all took
to their heels and scampered over the Bergen hills ; nor did they stop
until they had buried themselves, head and ears, in the marshes on the
other side, where they all miserably perished to a man ; and their
bones, being collected and decently covered by the Tammany Society
of that day, formed that singular mound called Rattlesnake Hill,
which rises out of the centre of the salt marshes a little to the east of
the Newark Causeway.
[ 4.^^ 1
A History of [Bk. h
Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant heroes sprang
ashore in triumph, took possession of the soil as conquerors, in the
name of their High Mightinesses the Lords States General, and, march-
ing fearlessly forward, carried the village of Communipaw^ by storm,
notwithstanding that it was vigorously defended by some half a score
of old squaws and pappooses. On looking about them, they were so
transported with the excellencies of the place that they had very little
doubt the blessed St. Nicholas had guided them thither, as the very
spot whereon to settle their colony. The softness of the soil was won-
derfully adapted to the driving of piles, the swamps and marshes
around them afforded ample opportunities for the constructing of
dykes and dams, the shallowness of the shore was peculiarly favorable
to the building of docks, — in a word, this spot abounded with all the
requisites for the foundation of a great Dutch city. On making a faith-
ful report, therefore, to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and all
determined that this was the destined end of their voyage. Accordingly,
they descended from the Goede Vrouw, men, women, and children, in
goodly groups, as did the animals of yore from the ark, and formed
themselves into a thriving settlement, which they called by the Indian
name Communipaw.
As all the world is doubtless perfectly acquainted with Communipaw, it
may seem somewhat superfluous to treat of it in the present work ;
but my readers will please to recollect, notwithstanding it is my chief
desire to satisfy the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, and
have to consult the understanding and curiosity of some half a score of
centuries yet to come, by which time, perhaps, were it not for this
invaluable history, the great Cofnmunipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nin-
eveh, and other great cities, might be perfectly extinft, — sunk and
forgotten in its own mud, — its inhabitants turned into oysters,* and
even its situation a fertile subject of learned controversy and hard-
headed investigation among indefatigable historians. Let me then
piously rescue from oblivion the humble relics of a place which was
the egg from whence was hatched the mighty city of New York !
Communipaw is at present but a small village, pleasantly situated,
among rural scenery, on that beauteous part of the Jersey shore which
was known in ancient legends by the name of Pavonia,-]- and commands
a grand prospeft of the superb bay of New York. It is within but half
an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have a fair wind, and
' Men by inaftion degenerate into oysters. — Kaimes.
\ Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a traft of country extending from about Hoboken to
Amboy.
[ 44]
f^:
llilill!iliii!iilillllllil!lllil!llliii;llllllili|i!S<^^ I!!
S/iiut Nicholas.
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C.
may be distinftly seen from the city. Nay, it is a well-known faft,
which I can testify from my own experience, that on a clear, still
summer evening, you may hear, from the Battery of New Tori, the
obstreperous peals of broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at
Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are famous for their risible
powers. This is peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings, when, it is
remarked by an ingenious and observant philosopher who has made
great discoveries in the neighborhood of this city, that they always
laugh loudest, which he attributes to the circumstance of their having
their holiday clothes on.
These negroes, in faft, like the monks of the dark ages, engross all the
knowledge of the place, and, being infinitely more adventurous and
more knowing than their masters, carry on all the foreign trade, mak-
ing frequent voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters, butter-
milk, and cabbages. They are great astrologers, predicating the differ-
ent changes of weather almost as accurately as an almanac ; they are,
moreover, exquisite performers on three-stringed fiddles ; in whistling
they almost boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus s lyre, for not a
horse or an ox in the place, when at the plough or before the wagon,
will budge a foot until he hears the well-known whistle of his black
driver and companion ; and from their amazing skill at casting up
accounts upon their fingers, they are regarded with as much veneration
as were the disciples of Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sa-
cred quaternary of numbers.
As to the honest burghers of Commutiipaw, like wise men and sound
philosophers, they never look beyond their pipes, nor trouble their
heads about any affairs out of their immediate neighborhood ; so that
they live in profound and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxi-
eties, and revolutions of this distracted planet. I am even told that
many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which they have
heard so much from tradition, is situated somewhere on Long Island,
that Spiking-devil and the Narrows are the two ends of the world, that
the country is still under the dominion of their High Mightinesses,
and that the city of New York still goes by the name of Nieuw Amster-
dam. They meet every Saturday afternoon at the only tavern in the
place, which bears as a sign a square-headed likeness of the Prince of
Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe, by way of promoting social
conviviality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success of Ad-
miral Van Tromp, who they imagine is still sweeping the British Chan-
nel, with a broom at his mast-head.
Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little villages in the
[ 45 ]
A History ^r. [Bk. n
vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which are so many strongholds
and fastnesses, whither the primitive manners of our Dutch forefathers
have retreated, and where they are cherished with devout and scru-
pulous strictness. The dress of the original settlers is handed down in-
violate from father to son : the identical broad-brimmed hat, broad-
skirted coat, and broad-bottomed breeches continue from generation
to generation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of massy silver are
still in wear that made gallant display in the days of the patriarchs of
Communipaw . The language likewise continues unadulterated by bar-
barous innovations ; and so critically corrett is the village schoolmaster
in his dialeft, that his reading of a Low-Dutch psalm has much the
same efFed on the nerves as the filing of a handsaw.
Ch
[ 46 ]
Chapter i i i
IN WHICH is set forth the True Art of making a Bar-
gain, together with the Miraculous Escape of a Great Metropolis in a Fog,
and the Biography of certain Heroes o/^Communipaw.
HAVING, in the trifling digression which concluded the
last chapter, discharged the filial duty which the city of
New York owed to Communipaw, as being the mother set-
tlement, and having given a faithful picture of it as it
stands at present, I return with a soothing sentiment of
self-approbation to dwell upon its early history. The crew of the Goede
Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh importations from Holland, the
settlement went jollily on, increasing in magnitude and prosperity.
The neighboring Indians in a short time became accustomed to the
uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an intercourse gradually
took place between them and the new-comers. The Indians were much
given to long talks and the Dutch to long silence ; in this particular,
therefore, they accommodated each other completely. The chiefs would
make long speeches about the big bull, the Wabash, and the Great Spirit,
to which the others would listen very attentively, smoke their pipes,
and grunt yah, myn-her, — whereat the poor savages were wondrously
delighted. They instructed the new settlers in the best art of curing and
smoking tobacco, while the latter, in return, made them drunk with
true Hollands, and then taught them the art of making bargains.
A brisk trade for furs was soon opened. The Dutch traders were scru-
pulously honest in their dealings, and purchased by weight, establishing
it as an invariable table of avoirdupois that the hand of a Dutchman
weighed one pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the simple
Indians were often puzzled by the great disproportion between bulk
and weight, for let them place a bundle of furs, never so large, in one
scale, and a Dutchman put his hand or foot in the other, the bundle
was sure to kick the beam ; never was a package of furs known to
weigh more than two pounds in the market of Communipaw !
This is a singular fa6t, but I have it direft from my great-great-
grandfather, who had risen to considerable importance in the colony,
being promoted to the office of weigh-master, on account of the un-
common heaviness of his foot.
[ 47 ]
A History of [Bk. n
The "Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began now to assume
a very thriving appearance, and w^ere comprehended under the general
title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account, as the sage Vander Doiick ob-
serves, of their great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands^ — which
indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the former were rugged
and mountainous, and the latter level and marshy. About this time the
tranquillity of the Dutch colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary
interruption. In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argai, sailing under a com-
mission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch settlements
on Hudson River and demanded their submission to the English crown
and Virginian dominion. To this arrogant demand, as they were in no
condition to resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and
reasonable men.
It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the settlement of
Communipaw, on the contrary, I am told that when his vessel first hove
in sight, the worthy burghers were seized with such a panic that they
fell to smoking their pipes with astonishing vehemence, insomuch
that they quickly raised a cloud which, combining with the surround-
ing woods and marshes, completely enveloped and concealed their be-
loved village and overhung the fair regions of Pavonia, — so that the
terrible Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a sturdy
little Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under cover of
all this pestilent vapor. In commemoration of this fortunate escape, the
worthy inhabitants have continued to smoke, almost without intermis-
sion, unto this very day, which is said to be the cause of the remark-
able fog which often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon.
Upon the departure of the enemy, our worthy ancestors took full six
months to recover their wind and get over the consternation into which
they had been thrown. They then called a council of safety to smoke
over the state of the province. At this council presided one Olojfe Van
Kortlandt, a personage who was held in great reverence among the
sages of Comtnunipaw for the variety and darkness of his knowledge.
He had originally been one of a set of peripatetic philosophers who
passed much of their time sunning themselves on the side of the great
canal oi Amsterdam in Holland, enjoying, like Diogenes, a free and un-
encumbered estate in sunshine. His name, Kortlandt fShortland or Lack-
land), was supposed, like that of the illustrious "Jean Sansterre, to indi-
cate that he had no land ; but he insisted, on the contrary, that he had
great -landed estates somewhere in T'erra Incognita, and he had come
out to the new world to look after them. He was the first great land-
speculator that we read of in these parts.
[ 48 ]
Ch.iii] New York ^c.
Like all land-speculators, he was much given to dreaming. Never did
anything extraordinary happen at Commiimpa'w but he declared that he
had previously dreamt it, being one of those infallible prophets who
predidl: events after they have come to pass. This supernatural gift was
as highly valued among the burghers of Pavonia as among the enlight-
ened nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted to his
sleeping than his waking moments for his most subtle achievements,
and seldom undertook any great exploit without first soundly sleeping
upon it ; and the same may be said of 0/offe Van Kortlatidt^ who was
thence aptly denominated Oloffe the Dreamer.
As yet his dreams and speculations had turned to little personal profit,
and he was as much a lack-land as ever. Still he carried a high head in
the community ; if his sugar-loaf hat was rather the worse for wear, he
set it off with a taller cock's-tail ; if his shirt was none of the cleanest,
he puffed it out the more at the bosom ; and if the tail of it peeped
out of a hole in his breeches, it at least proved that it really had a tail
and was not mere ruffle.
The worthy Van Kort/andt, in the council in question, urged the policy
of emerging from the swamps of Communipaw and seeking some more
eligible site for the seat of empire. Such, he said, was the advice of the
good St. Nicholas, who had appeared to him in a dream the night
before, and whom he had known by his broad hat, his long pipe, and
the resemblance which he bore to the figure on the bow of the Goede
Vrouw.
Many have thought this dream was a mere invention of Oloffe Van
Kortlandt, who, it is said, had ever regarded Commnnipa'w with an evil
eye, because he had arrived there after all the land had been shared out,
and who was anxious to change the seat of empire to some new place,
where he might be present at the distribution of "town lots." But we
must not give heed to such insinuations, which are too apt to be ad-
vanced against those worthy gentlemen engaged in laying out towns
and in other land-speculations. For my own part, I am disposed to
place the same implicit faith in the vision of Oloffe the Dreamer that
was manifested by the honest burghers of Communipaw, who one and
all agreed that an expedition should be forthwith fitted out to go on a
voyage of discovery in quest of a new seat of empire.
This perilous enterprise was to be conduced by Oloffe himself, who
chose as lieutenants or coadjutors Mynheers Abraham Hardenbroeck,
"Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten Broeck, — three indubitably great
men, but of whose history, although I have made diligent inquiry, I
can learn but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need this
[ 49 ]
A History of [Bk. n
occasion much surprise ; for adventurers, like prophets, though they
make great noise abroad, have seldom much celebrity in their own
countries ; but this much is certain, that the overflowings and off-
scourings of a country are invariably composed of the richest parts of
the soil. And here I cannot help remarking how convenient it would
be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin,
could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever
their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves
descended from a god, and who never visited a foreign country but
what they told some cock-and-bull stories about their being kings and
princes at home. This venal trespass on the truth, though it has been
occasionally played off by some pseudo-marquis, baronet, and other
illustrious foreigner, in our land of good-natured credulity, has been
completely discountenanced in this skeptical, matter-of-fad: age ; and
I even question whether any tender virgin who was accidentally and
unaccountably enriched with a bantling would save her character at
parlor firesides and evening tea-parties by ascribing the phenomenon
to a swan, a shower of gold, or a river-god.
Had I the benefit of mythology and classic fable above alluded to, I
should have furnished the first of the trio with a pedigree equal to
that of the proudest hero of antiquity. His name. Van Zandt (that is to
^zy^from the sand, or, in common parlance, from the dirt), gave reason
to suppose that, like Triptokmus, Themes, the Cyclops, and the Titans, he
had sprung from Dame Terra, or the earth ! This supposition is strongly
corroborated by his size, for it is well known that all the progeny of
mother earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are told,
was a tall, raw-boned man, above six feet high, with an astonishingly
hard head. Nor is this origin of the illustrious Van Zandt a whit more
improbable or repugnant to belief than what is related and universally
admitted of certain of our greatest, or rather richest, men, who, we
are told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a dunghill !
Of the second of the trio but faint accounts have reached to this time,
which mention that he was a sturdy, obstinate, worrying, bustling little
man, and, from being usually equipped in an old pair of buckskins,
was familiarly dubbed Harden Broeck — that is to say. Hard in the Breech,
or, as it was generally rendered. Tough Breeches.
Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is a singular but
ludicrous faft (which, were I not scrupulous in recording the whole
truth, I should almost be tempted to pass over in silence, as incompat-
ible with the gravity and dignity of history) that this worthy gentle-
man should likewise have been nicknamed from what in modern times
[ 50]
Ch. Ill] New York ^c.
is considered the most ignoble part of the dress. But, in truth, the small-
clothes seems to have been a very dignified garment in the eyes of our
venerated ancestors, in all probability from its covering that part of the
body which has been pronounced "the seat of honor."
The name of 'Ten Broeck, or, as it was sometimes spelled. Tin Broeck,
has been indifferently translated into Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches.
Certain elegant and ingenious writers on the subject declare in favor
of Tin, or rather Thin, Breeches ; whence they infer that the original
bearer of it was a poor but merry rogue whose galligaskins were none
of the soundest, and who, peradventure, may have been the author of
that truly philosophical stanza :
Then why should ive quarrel for riches.
Or any such glittering toys ;
A light heart and thin pair of breeches
Will go through the world, my brave boys !
The more accurate commentators, however, declare in favor of the
other reading, and affirm that the worthy in question was a burly, bul-
bous man, who, in sheer ostentation of his honorable progenitors, was
the first to introduce into the settlement the ancient Dutch fashion of
ten pair of breeches.
Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by Oloffe the Dreamer to accom-
pany him in this voyage into unknown realms. As to the names of his
crews, they have not been handed down by history.
Having, as I before observed, passed much of his life in the open air,
among the peripatetic philosophers of Amsterdam, Oloffe had become
familiar with the aspeft of the heavens, and could as accurately deter-
mine when a storm was brewing or a squall rising as a dutiful husband
can foresee from the brow of his spouse when a tempest is gathering
about his ears. Having pitched upon a time for his voyage when the
skies appeared propitious, he exhorted all his crews to take a good
night's rest, wind up their family affairs, and make their wills — pre-
cautions taken by our forefathers even in after-times when they became
more adventurous, and voyaged to Haver straw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt
Esopus, or any other far country, beyond the great waters of the Tap-
paan Zee.
Ch
[ 51 ]
C h
a p t e r i v
HOW the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gate,
and how they were received T'here.
;A ND now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in the east,
/^k and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst golden and
/ ^ k purple clouds, shed his blithesome rays on the tin weather-
I^ ^ cocks of Communipaw. It was that delicious season of the
year when nature, breaking from the chilling thraldom
of old winter, like a blooming damsel from the tyranny of a sordid old
father, threw herself, blushing with ten thousand charms, into the arms
of youthful spring. Every tufted copse and blooming grove resounded
with the notes of hymeneal love. The very inserts, as they sipped the
dew that gemmed the tender grass of the meadows, joined in the joyous
epithalamium ; the virgin bud timidly put forth its blushes ; "the voice
of the turtle was heard in the land," and the heart of man dissolved
away in tenderness. O sweet Theocritus ! had I thine oaten reed, where-
with thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian plains ; or, O gentle Bion !
thy pastoral pipe, wherein the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so
much delighted, then might I attempt to sing, in soft Bucolic or neg-
ligent Idy Ilium, the rural beauties of the scene; — but having nothing,
save this jaded goosequill, wherewith to wing my flight, I must fain
resign all poetic disportings of the fancy and pursue my narrative in
humble prose, comforting myself with the hope that though it may
not steal so sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet it may com-
mend itself with virgin modesty to his better judgment clothed in the
chaste and simple garb of truth.
No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart into the windows
of Communipaw, than the little settlement was all in motion. Forth
issued from his castle the sage Van Kortlandt, and, seizing a conch shell,
blew a far-resounding blast that soon summoned all his lusty followers.
Then did they trudge resolutely down to the water-side, escorted by a
multitude of relatives and friends, who all went down, as the common
phrase expresses it, " to see them off." And this shows the antiquity of
those long family processions often seen in our city, composed of all
ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and bandboxes, escorting some
bevy of country cousins about to depart for home in a market-boat.
[ 52 ]
Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C.
The good 0/qfe bestowed his forces in a squadron of three canoes, and
hoisted his flag on board a little round Dutch boat, shaped not unlike
a tub, which had formerly been the jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouiv.
And now, all being embarked, they bade farewell to the gazing throng
upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even when out
of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, advising them to take good
care of themselves not to get drowned, with an abundance other of
those sage and invaluable cautions generally given by landsmen to
such as go down to the sea in ships and adventure upon the deep
waters. In the meanwhile the voyagers cheerily urged their course
across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon left behind them the
green shores of ancient Pavonia.
And first they touched at two small islands which lay nearly opposite
Communipaw, and which are said to have been brought into existence
about the time of the great irruption of the Hudson when it broke
through the Highlands and made its way to the ocean ; * for, in this
tremendous uproar of the waters, we are told that many huge fragments
of rock and land were rent from the mountains and swept down by
this runaway river for sixty or seventy miles, where some of them
ran aground on the shoals just opposite Communipaw and formed the
identical islands In question, while others drifted out to sea and were
never heard of more ! A sufficient proof of the fa6t is, that the rock
which forms the bases of these islands is exaftly similar to that of the
Highlands, and, moreover, one of our philosophers, who has diligently
compared the agreement of their respective surfaces, has even gone so
far as to assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island was originally
nothing more nor less than a wart on Anthony's nose.-f-
Leaving these wonderful little isles, they next coasted by Governor's
Island, since terrible from its frowning fortress and grinning batteries.
They would by no means, however, land upon this island, since they
doubted much it might be the abode of demons and spirits, which in
those days did greatly abound throughout this savage and pagan country.
Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises came rolling and tumbling
• It is a matter long since established by certain of our philosophers (that is to say, having been-
often advanced, and never contradifted, it has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled faft),
that the Hudson was originally a lake dammed up by the mountains of the Highlands. In process
of time, however, becoming very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains waxing pursy,
dropsical, and weak in the back, by reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon them,
and after a violent struggle effefted its escape. This is said to have come to pass in very remote
time, probably before that rivers had lost the art of running uphill. The foregoing is a theory in
which I do not pretend to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully give it my belief,
t A promontory in the Highlands.
[ 53 ]
A History of [Bk. n
by, turning up their sleek sides to the sun, and spouting up the briny
element in sparkling showers. No sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this
than he was greatly rejoiced. "This," exclaimed he, "if I mistake not,
augurs well; the porpoise is a fat, well-conditioned fish, — a bur-
gomaster among fishes, — his looks betoken ease, plenty, and prosperity ;
I greatly admire this round, fat fish, and doubt not but this is a happy
omen of the success of our undertaking." So saying, he dire6led his
squadron to steer in the track of these alderman fishes.
Turning, therefore, direftly to the left, they swept up the strait vul-
garly called the Hast River. And here the rapid tide which courses
through this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in which Commodore
Van Kortlandt had embarked, hurried it forward with a velocity un-
paralleled in a Dutch boat navigated by DutcJunen — insomuch that the
good commodore, who had all his life long been accustomed only to
the drowsy navigation of canals, was more than ever convinced that
they were in the hands of some supernatural power, and that the jolly
porpoises were towing them to some fair haven that was to fulfil all
their wishes and exped:ations.
Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled that boisterous
point of land since called Corlear s Hook,* and leaving to the right the
rich winding cove of the Wallabout^ they drifted into a magnificent
expanse of water, surrounded by pleasant shores whose verdure was
exceedingly refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were looking
around them, on what they conceived to be a serene and sunny lake,
they beheld at a distance a crew of painted savages, busily employed
in fishing, who seemed more like the genii of this romantic region,
their slender canoe lightly balanced like a feather on the undulating
surface of the bay.
At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of Communipaw were not a
little troubled. But, as good-fortune would have it, at the bow of the
commodore's boat was stationed a very valiant man, named Hendrick
Kip (which, being interpreted, means chicken^ a name given him in
token of his courage). No sooner did he behold these varlet heathens
than he trembled with excessive valor, and, although a good half-mile
distant, he seized a musketoon that lay at hand, and, turning away his
head, fired it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. The blun-
dering weapon recoiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick
which laid him prostrate, with uplifted heels, in the bottom of the boat.
But such was the effeft of this tremendous fire that the wild men of
* Properly spelt hoeck (i. e. a point of land).
[ 54]
Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C.
the woods, struck with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles
and shot away into one of the deep inlets of the Lo/ig Island shore.
This signal victory gave new spirits to the voyagers, and in honor of
the achievement they gave the name of the valiant K/p to the surround-
ing bay, and it has continued to be called Kip's Bay from that time to
the present. The heart of the good Fan Kort/andt, who, having no
land of his own, was a great admirer of other people's, expanded to
the full size of a pepper-corn at the sumptuous prospeft of rich un-
settled country around him, and, falling into a delicious revery, he
straightway began to riot in the possession of vast meadows of salt
marsh and interminable patches of cabbages. From this delegable vis-
ion he was all at once awakened by the sudden turning of the tide,
which would soon have hurried him from this land of promise had
not the discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore, where they
accordingly landed, hard by the rocky heights of Be/kvue, that happy
retreat where our jolly aldermen eat for the good of the city and fat-
ten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic solemnities.
Here, seated on the greensward, by the side of a small stream that ran
sparkling among the grass, they refreshed themselves after the toils of
the seas, by feasting lustily on the ample stores which they had pro-
vided for this perilous voyage. Thus having well fortified their delib-
erative powers, they fell into an earnest consultation what was farther
to be done. This was the first council-dinner ever eaten at Be/kvue
by Christian burghers ; and here, as tradition relates, did originate the
great family feud between the Hardenbroecks and the T'enbroecks, which
afterwards had a singular influence on the building of the city. The
sturdy Hardenbroecks whose eyes had been wondrously delighted with
the salt marshes which spread their reeking bosoms along the coast at
the bottom of Kifs Bay, counselled by all means to return thither and
found the intended city. This was strenuously opposed by the unbend-
ing T^en Broeck, and many testy arguments passed between them. The
particulars of this controversy have not reached us, which is ever to
be lamented. This much is certain, that the sage Oloffe put an end to
the dispute by determining to explore still farther in the route which
the mysterious porpoises had so clearly pointed out ; whereupon the
sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition, took possession of a
neighboring hill, and, in a fit of great wrath, peopled all that tra(5l of
country, which has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks
unto this very day.
By this time the jolly Phcebus, like some wanton urchin sporting on
the side of a green hill, began to roll down the declivity of the hea-
[ 55 ]
A History of [Bk. h
vens ; and now, the tide having once more turned in their favor, the Pa-
vonians again committed themselves to its discretion, and, coasting along
the western shores, were borne towards the straits of BlackwelPs Island.
And here the capricious wanderings of the current occasioned not a
little marvel and perplexity to these illustrious mariners. Now would
they be caught by the wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting
point, would wind deep into some romantic little cove that indented
the fair island of Manna-hatta ; now were they hurried narrowly by the
very bases of impending rocks mantled with the flaunting grape-vine
and crowned with groves which threw a broad shade on the waves
beneath, and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel and
wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed the sage
Fan Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly receding on either side,
began exceedingly to doubt that terra Jirma was giving them the slip.
Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation seemed to
bloom around. No signs of human thrift appeared to check, the delicious
wildness of Nature, who here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those
hills, now bristled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows of poplars
(vain upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion ! ), were then adorned
with the vigorous natives of the soil : the lordly oak, the generous
chestnut, the graceful elm ; while here and there the tulip-tree reared
its majestic head, the giant of the forest. Where now are seen the gay
retreats of luxury, — villas half buried in twilight bowers, whence the
amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some city swain, — there the
fish-hawk built his solitary nest on some dry tree that overlooked his
watery domain. The timid deer fed undisturbed along those shores now
hallowed by the lover's moonlight walk and printed by the slender
foot of beauty, and a savage solitude extended over those happy re-
gions where now are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, the Sc/ier-
merhornes, and the Rhinelanders.
Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and unknown scenes,
the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory,
which strutted forth boldly into the waves and seemed to frown upon
them as they brawled against its base. This is the bluff well known
to modern mariners by the name of Grade's Point, from the fair castle
which, like an elephant, it carries upon its back. And here broke upon
their view a wild and varied prospeft, where land and water were
beauteously intermingled, as though they had combined to heighten
and set off each other's charms. To the right lay the sedgy point of
BlackwelFs Island, drest in the fresh garniture of living green ; be-
yond it stretched the pleasant coast of Sundswick and the small harbor
[ 56 ]
Ch.iv] New York ?^c.
well known by the name oi Ha /let's Cove — a place infamous in latter
days, by reason of its being the haunt of pirates who infest these seas,
robbing orchards and watermelon patches and insulting gentlemen nav-
igators when voyaging in their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep bay,
or rather creek, gracefully receded between shores fringed with forests,
and forming a kind of vista through which were beheld the sylvan re-
gions of Haerkm, Morrisania, and East Chester. Here the eye reposed
with delight on a richly wooded country, diversified by tufted knolls,
shadowy intervals, and waving lines of upland, swelling above each
other, while over the whole the purple mists of spring diffused a hue
of soft voluptuousness.
Just before them, the grand course of the stream, making a sudden bend,
wound among embowered promontories and shores of emerald verdure
that seemed to melt into the wave. A character of gentleness and mild
fertility prevailed around. The sun had just descended, and the thin
haze of twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over the bosom of virgin
beauty, heightened the charms which it half concealed.
Ah witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah hapless voyagers, gazing
with simple wonder on these Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor
easy souls, who listen to the seductions of a wicked world, — treacher-
ous are its smiles, fatal its caresses ! He who yields to its enticements
launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his feeble bark among the
dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! And thus it fared with the worthies
of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting the guileful scene before them,
drifted quietly on until they were aroused by an uncommon tossing
and agitation of their vessels, for now the late dimpling current began
to brawl around them, and the waves to boil and foam with horrific
fury. Awakened as if from a dream, the astonished Olqff'e bawled aloud
to put about, but his words were lost amid the roaring of the waters.
And now ensued a scene of direful consternation. At one time they
were borne with dreadful velocity among tumultuous breakers, at an-
other hurried down boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly dashed
upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous rocks ! — more voracious than
Scylla and her whelps), and anon they seemed sinking into yawning
gulfs that threatened to entomb them beneath the waves. All the ele-
ments combined to produce a hideous contusion. The waters raged,
the winds howled ; and, as they were hurried along, several of the as-
tonished mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the neighboring shores
driving through the air !
At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt wz?, drawn into
the vortex of that tremendous whirlpool called the Pot, where it was
[ 57 ]
A History of [Bk. n
whirled about in giddy mazes until the senses of the good commander
and his crew were overpowered by the horror ot the scene and the
strangeness of the revolution.
How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched from the jaws of
this modern Charybdis has never been truly made known ; for, so many
survived to tell the tale, and, what is still more wonderful, told it in so
many different ways, that there has ever prevailed a great variety of
opinions on the subje(!;t.
As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to their senses
they found themselves stranded on the hong Island shore. The worthy
commodore, indeed, used to relate many and wonderful stories of his
adventures in this time of peril : how that he saw speftres flying in the
air, and heard the yelling of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the pot
when they were whirled round, and found the water scalding hot, and
beheld several uncouth-looking beings seated on rocks and skimming it
with huge ladles ; but particularly he declared with great exultation,
that he saw the losel porpoises which had betrayed them into this peril,
some broiling on the Gridiron, and others hissing on the Frying-pan !
These, however, were considered by many as mere fantasies of the com-
modore while he lay in a trance (especially as he was known to be
given to dreaming), and the truth of them has never been clearly ascer-
tained. It is certain, however, that to the accounts of Oiojfe and his
followers may be traced the various traditions handed down of this
marvellous strait : as how the Devil has been seen there, sitting astride
of the Hogs Back and playing on the fiddle ; how he broils fish there
before a storm, and many other stories in which we must be cautious
of putting too much faith. In consequence of all these terrific circum-
stances, the Pavonian commander gave this pass the name of Helle-gat,
or, as it has been interpreted, Hell-Gate,* which it continues to bear
at the present day.
* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the distance of six miles above New York. It is dangerous
to shipping, unless under the care of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirl-
pools. These have received sundry appellations, such as the Gridiron, Frying-pan, Hog's Back, Pot,
&c., and are very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide. Certain mealy-mouthed men, of
squeamish consciences, who are loth to give the Devil his due, have softened the above character-
istic name into Hurl-Gate, forsooth ! Let them take care how they venture into the Gate, or they
may be hurled into the Pot before they are aware of it. The name of this strait, as given by our
author, is supported by the map in Vander Donck's history, published in 1656; by Ogihie'i His-
tory of America, 1671, as also by a journal, still extant, written in the i6th century, and to be
found in Hazard's State Papers. And an old MS. written in French, speaking of various alterations
in names about this city, observes, "Z)^ Helle-gat, trou d'Enfer, ils ont fait Hell-gate, Porte d'Enfer."
Ch
[ 58
Chapter v
HOW the Heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat
■wiser than they went, and how the Sage Oloffe dreamed a Dream, and t/ie
Dream that he dreamed.
THE darkness of night had closed upon this disastrous day,
and a doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pavonians,
whose ears were incessantly assailed with the raging of the
elements and the howling of the hobgoblins that infested
this perfidious strait. But when the morning dawned, the
horrors of the preceding evening had passed away ; rapids, breakers,
and whirlpools had disappeared ; the stream again ran smooth and
dimpling, and, having changed its tide, rolled gently back towards the
quarter where lay their much-regretted home.
The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other with rueful
countenances ; their squadron had been totally dispersed by the late
disaster. Some were cast upon the western shore, where, headed by one
Ruleff Hopper, they took possession of all the country lying about the
six-mile stone, which is held by the Hoppers at this present writing.
The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a distant coast, where,
having with them a jug of genuine Hollands, they were enabled to con-
ciliate the savages, setting up a kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did
spring the fair town of Haerlem, in which their descendants have ever
since continued to be reputable publicans. As to the Suydams, they were
thrown upon the Lo?ig Island coast, and may still be found in those
parts. But the most singular luck attended the great T'en Broeck, who,
falling overboard, was miraculously preserved from sinking by the mul-
titude of his nether garments. Thus buoyed up, he floated on the waves
like a merman, or like an angler's dobber, until he landed safely on a
rock, where he was found the next morning busily drying his many
breeches in the sunshine.
I forbear to treat of the long consultation of Oloffe with his remaining
followers, in which they determined that it would never do to found
a city in so diabolical a neighborhood. Suffice it in simple brevity to
say that they once more committed themselves, with fear and trem-
bling, to the briny element, and steered their course back again through
the scenes of their yesterday's voyage, determined no longer to roam
[ 59 ]
A History of [Bk. n
in search of distant sites, but to settle themselves down in the marshy
regions of Pavonia.
Scarce, however, had they gained a distant view of Communipaw, when
they were encountered by an obstinate eddy, which opposed their home-
ward voyage. Weary and dispirited as they were, they yet tugged a feeble
oar against the stream, until, as if to settle the strife, half a score of
potent billows rolled the tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt high and dry
on the long point of an island which divided the bosom of the bay.
Some pretend that these billows were sent by old Neptune to strand the
expedition on a spot whereon was to be founded his stronghold in this
western world ; others, more pious, attribute everything to the guard-
ianship of the good St. Nicholas, — and after-events will be found to cor-
roborate this opinion. Oloffe Van KortlanJt was a devout trencherman.
Every repast was a kind of religious rite with him, and his first thought
on finding him once more on dry ground was, how he should contrive
to celebrate his wonderful escape from Hell-gate and all its horrors by
a solemn banquet. The stores which had been provided for the voyage
by the good housewives of Communipaw were nearly exhausted, but, in
casting his eyes about, the commodore beheld that the shore abounded
with oysters. A great store of these was instantly collefted, a fire was
made at the foot of a tree, all hands fell to roasting and broiling and
stewing and frying, and a sumptuous repast was soon set forth. This is
thought to be the origin of those civic feasts with which, to the pre-
sent day, all our public affairs are celebrated, and in which the oyster
is ever observed to play an important part.
On the present occasion, the worthy Van Kortlandt was observed to be
particularly zealous in his devotions to the trencher ; for, having the
cares of the expedition especially committed to his care, he deemed it
incumbent on him to eat profoundly for the public good. In proportion
as he filled himself to the very brim with the dainty viands before him
did the heart of this excellent burgher rise up towards his throat, until
he seemed crammed and almost choked with good eating and good-
nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is in his throat,
that he may more truly be said to speak from it, and his speeches
abound with kindness and good fellowship. Thus, having swallowed
the last possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent potation,
Oloff'e felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a manner dilating
with unbounded benevolence. Everything around him seemed excellent
and delightful, and, laying his hands on each side of his capacious peri-
phery, and rolling his half-closed eyes around on the beautiful diversity
of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in a fat, half-smothered
r 60 1
Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C.
voice, " What a charming prospeft ! " The words died away in his throat,
he seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a moment, his eyelids heavily
closed over their orbs, his head drooped upon his bosom, he slowly sank
upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole gradually upon him.
And the sage 0/o^e dreamed a dream, and lo ! the good St. Nicholas
came riding over the tops of the trees in that self-same wagon wherein
he brings his yearly presents to children, and he came and descended
hard by where the heroes of Communipaw had made their late repast ; and
he lit his pipe by the fire and sat himself down and smoked, and, as he
smoked, the smoke from his pipe ascended into the air and spread like
a cloud overhead. And Oloffe bethought him, and he hastened and
climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw that the
smoke spread over a great extent of country ; and, as he considered it
more attentively, he fancied that the great volume of smoke assumed
a variety of marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he saw shadowed
out palaces and domes and lofty spires, all of which lasted but a mo-
ment and then faded away, until the whole rolled off and nothing but
the green woods were left. And when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe,
he twisted it in his hatband, and, laying his finger beside his nose, gave
the astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant look ; then, mounting
his wagon, he returned over the tree-tops and disappeared.
And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly instructed ; and he
aroused his companions and related to them his dream, and interpreted
it that it was the will of St. Nicholas that they should settle down and
build the city here, and that the smoke of the pipe was a type how
vast would be the extent of the city, inasmuch as the volumes of its
smoke would spread over a wide extent of country. And they all with
one voice assented to this interpretation, excepting Mynheer T'en Broeck,
who declared the meaning to be that it would be a city wherein a little
fire would occasion a great smoke, or, in other words, a very vaporing
little city — both which interpretations have strangely come to pass !
The great objeft of their perilous expedition, therefore, being thus happily
accomplished, the voyagers returned merrily to Communipaw, where they
were received with great rejoicings. And here, calling a general meet-
ing of all the wise men and the dignitaries oi Pavonia, they related the
whole history of their voyage and of the dream of Oloffe Van Kortlandt.
And the people lifted up their voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas,
and from that time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more honor
than ever for his great talent at dreaming, and was pronounced a most
useful citizen and a right good man — when he was asleep.
[ 6i ]
Chapter vi
CONTAINING an Attempt at Etymology, and of the
Founding of the Great City o/^Jl^etD SmstCtDam.
THE original name of the island whereon the squadron of
Communipaw was thus propitiously thrown is a matter of
some dispute, and has already undergone considerable vi-
tiation — a melancholy proof of the instability of all sub-
lunary things, and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting
fame ; for, who can expe6t his name will live to posterity, when even
the names of mighty islands are thus soon lost in contradiction and
uncertainty !
The name most current at the present day, and which is likewise coun-
tenanced by the great historian, Vamier Donck, is Manhattan, which
is said to have originated in a custom among the squaws, in the early
settlement, of wearing men's hats, as is still done among many tribes.
" Hence," as we are told by an old governor, who was somewhat of a
wag, and flourished almost a century since, and had paid a visit to the
wits of Philadelphia, " hence arose the appellation of man-hat-on, first
given to the Indians and afterwards to the island" — a stupid joke ! but
well enough for a governor.
Among the more venerable sources of information on this subjed: is
that valuable history of the American possessions written by Master
Richard Blome, in 1 687, wherein it is called Manhadaes and Manahanent ;
nor must I forget the excellent little book, full of precious matter, of
that authentic historian, fohn Josselyn, Gent., who expressly calls it
Manadaes.
Another etymology, still more ancient, and sanftioned by the counte-
nance of our ever-to-be-lamented Dutch ancestors, is that found in cer-
tain letters, still extant,* which passed between the early governors and
their neighboring powers, wherein it is called indifferently Monhattoes,
Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently unimportant variations
of the same name ; for, our wise forefathers set little store by those
niceties either in orthography or orthoepy which form the sole study
and ambition of many learned men and women of this hypercritical
• yUe Huxard'i Col. Stat. Pap.
[ 62 ]
Ch. vi] N E W Y O R K S^C.
age. This last name is said to be derived from the great Indian spirit
Manetho, who was supposed to make this island his favorite abode, on
account of its uncommon delights , for, the Indian traditions affirm that
the bay was once a translucid lake, filled with silver and golden fish,
in the midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered with every
variety of fruits and flowers, but that the sudden irruption of the Hud-
son laid waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho took his flight beyond
the great waters of Ontario.
These, however, are very fabulous legends, to which very cautious
credence must be given ; and though I am willing to admit the last-
quoted orthography of the name as very fit for prose, yet is there an-
other which I peculiarly delight in, as at once poetical, melodious, and
significant, and which we have on the authority of Master 'J net, who,
in his account of the voyage of the great Hudson, calls this Manna-
HATA — that is to say, the island of manna, or, in other words, a land
flowing with milk and honey.
Still, my deference to the learned obliges me to notice the opinion of
the worthy Dominie Heckwelder, which ascribes the name to a great
drunken bout held on the island by the Dutch discoverers, whereat they
made certain of the natives most ecstatically drunk for the first time in
their lives, who, being delighted with their jovial entertainment, gave
the place the name oi Mannahattanink — that is to say, 'The Island of "Jolly
Topers, a name which it continues to merit to the present day.*
* MSS. of the Rev. Jo/.n Heckwtider, in che archives ot" the New Tork Historical Society.
Chap.
[ 63 ]
Ch
a p t e r v i i
HOW the People of Pavonia migrated from Communipaw
to the Island of Manna-hata, and how Oloffe the Dreamer proved
himself a Great Land-Speculator.
IT having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire should
be removed from the green shores of Pavonia to the pleasant island
of Manna-hata, everybody was anxious to embark under the
standard of Oloffe the Dreamer, and to be among the first sharers
of the promised land. A day was appointed for the grand migra-
tion, and on that day little Communipaw was in a buzz and a bustle like
a hive in swarming-time. Houses were turned inside out and stripped
of the venerable furniture which had come from Holland; all the com-
munity, great and small, black and white, man, woman, and child, was
in commotion, forming lines from the houses to the water-side, like
lines of ants from an ant-hill, everybody laden with some article of
household furniture, while busy housewives plied backwards and for-
wards along the lines, helping everything forward by the nimbleness of
their tongues.
By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were piled up with all kinds of
household articles : ponderous tables, chests of drawers resplendent with
brass ornaments, quaint corner-cupboards, beds and bedsteads, with
any quantity of pots, kettles, frying-pans, and Dutch ovens. In each boat
embarked a whole family, from the robustious burgher down to the
cats, dogs, and little negroes. In this way they set off across the mouth
of the Hudson, under the guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who hoisted
his standard on the leading boat.
This memorable migration took place on the first of May, and was long
cited in tradition as the grand moving. The anniversary of it was piously
observed among the "sons of the pilgrims of Communipaw" by turning
their houses topsy-turvy and carrying all the furniture through the
streets, in emblem of the swarming of the parent-hive ; and this is the
real origin of the universal agitation and "moving" by which this most
restless of cities is literally turned out-of-doors on every May-day.
As the little squadron from Communipaw drew near to the shores of
Manna-hata, a sachem, at the head of a band of warriors, appeared to
oppose their landing. Some of the most zealous of the pilgrims were
[ 64]
Ch.vii] New York ^c.
for chastising this insolence with powder and ball, according to the ap-
proved mode of discoverers ; but the sage 0/q^ gave them the signifi-
cant sign of St. Nicholas, laying his finger beside his nose and winking
hard with one eye, whereupon his followers perceived that there was
something sagacious in the wind. He now addressed the Indians in the
blandest terms, and made such tempting display of beads, hawks'-bells
and red blankets, that he was soon permitted to land, and a great land-
speculation ensued. And here let me give the true story of the original
purchase of the site of this renowned city, about which so much has
been said and written. Some affirm that the first cost was sixty guilders
in money. The learned Dominie Heckwe/der records a tradition* that the
Dutch discoverers bargained for only so much land as the hide of a bul-
lock would cover, but that they cut the hide in strips no thicker than a
child's finger, so as to take in a large portion of their land, and to take in
the Indians into the bargain. This, however, is an old fable which the
worthy Dominie may have borrowed from antiquity. The true version
is that Oloffe Van Kortlandt bargained for just so much land as a man
could cover with his nether garments. The terms being concluded, he
produced his friend Mynheer Ten Broeck as the man whose breeches
were to be used in measurement. The simple savages, whose ideas of a
man's nether garments had never expanded beyond the dimensions of a
breech-clout, stared with astonishment and dismay as they beheld this
bulbous-bottomed burgher peeled like an onion, and breeches after
breeches spread forth over the land until they covered the adual site
of this venerable city.
This is the true history of the adroit bargain by which the island of
Manhattan was bought for sixty guilders ; and, in corroboration of it, I
will add that Mynheer Ten Breeches, for his services on this memorable
occasion, was elevated to the office of land-measurer, which he ever
afterwards exercised in the colony.
• MSS. of the Rev. Jo/:n Heckwelder, New York Historical Society.
Ch
[ 65 ]
Chapter viii
OF THE Founding and Naming of the New City ; of the
City Arms; and of the Direful Feud between Ten Breeches and Tough
Breeches.
THE land being thus fairly purchased of the Indians^ a cir-
cumstance very unusual in the history of colonization, and
strongly illustrative of the honesty of our Dutch progeni-
tors, a stockade fort and trading-house were forthwith
erefted on an eminence in front of the place where the
good St. Nicholas had appeared in a vision to Oloffe the Dreamer, and
which, as has already been observed, was the identical place at present
known as the Bowling Green.
Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-hnWt houses, with tiled roofs
and weathercocks, soon sprang up, nestling themselves under its walls
for proteftion, as a brood of half-fledged chickens nestle under the wings
of the mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an enclosure of strong
palisadoes, to guard against any sudden irruption of the savages. Outside
of these extended the corn-fields and cabbage-gardens of the community,
with here and there an attempt at a tobacco-plantation — all covering
those tracts of country at present called Broadway., Wall street, William
street, and Pearl street.
I must not omit to mention that, in portioning out the land, a goodly
"bowerie," or farm, was allotted to the sage Oloffe in consideration of
the service he had rendered to the public by his talent at dreaming ;
and the site of his "bowerie" is known by the name oi Kortlandt (or
Courtland) street to the present day. It is evident he was no longer de-
serving of his old appellation of Lackland.
And now, the infant settlement having advanced in age and stature, it
was thought high time it should receive an honest Christian name.
Hitherto it had gone by the original Indian name Manna-hata, or, as
some will have it, '■'■'The Manhattoes'' ; but this was now decried as sav-
age and heathenish and as tending to keep up the memory of the pagan
brood that originally possessed it. Many were the consultations held
upon the subjeft without coming to a conclusion, for, though every-
body condemned the old name, nobody could invent a new one. At
length, when the council was almost in despair, old Ruleff^, remarkable
[ 66 ]
ch.viii] New York @^r.
for the size and squareness of his head, proposed that they should call
it Neiv Amsterdam. The proposition took everybody by surprise ; it was
so striking, so apposite, so ingenious. The name was adopted by accla-
mation, and New Amsterdam the metropolis was thenceforth called.
Still, however, the early authors of the province continued to call it
by the quaint appellation of " The Manhattoes,'" and the poets fondly
clung to the euphonious name of Manna-hata; but those are a kind of
folk whose tastes and notions should go for nothing in matters of this
kind.
Having thus provided the embryo city with a name, the next was to
give it an armorial bearing or device, as some cities have a rampant
lion, others a soaring eagle— emblematical, no doubt, of the valiant and
high-flying qualities of the inhabitants ; so, after mature deliberation,
a sleek beaver was emblazoned on the city standard, as indicative of the
amphibious origin and patient, persevering habits of the New Amster-
dammers.
The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid increase of houses
soon made it necessary to arrange some plan upon which the city
should be built ; but at the very first consultation held on the subjeft
a violent discussion arose, and I mention it with much sorrowing as
being the first altercation on record in the councils of New Amsterdam.
It was, in fad, a breaking forth of the grudge and heart-burning that
had existed between those two eminent burghers, Mynheers Tenbroeck
and Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy altercation on the coast of
Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had waxed very wealthy and power-
ful from his domains, which embraced the whole chain of Apulean
mountains that stretched along the gulf of Kifs Bay, and from part of
which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages by the power-
ful clans of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes.
An ingenious plan for the city was offered by Mynheer Hardenbroeck,
who proposed that it should be cut up and intersefted by canals, after
the manner of the most admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer
Tenbroeck was diametrically opposed, suggesting, in place thereof, that
they should run out docks and wharves, by means of piles driven mto
the bottom of the river, on which the town should be built. "By these
means," said he triumphantly, "shall we rescue a considerable space of
territory from these immense rivers, and build a city that shall rival
Amsterdam, Venice, or any amphibious city in Europe." To this proposi-
tion Hardenbroeck (or Tough Breeches) replied, with a look of as much
scorn as he could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure upon the
plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous and against the very order
[ 67 ]
A History of [Bk. n
of things, as he would leave to every true Hollander. " For what," said
he, "is a town without canals? — it is like a body without veins and
arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of the vital
fluid." T'en Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sarcasm upon his
antagonist, who was somewhat of an arid, dry-boned habit. He re-
marked, that as to the circulation of the blood being necessary to exis-
tence. Mynheer T'ougli Breeches was a living contradiction to his own
assertion ; for everybody knew there had not a drop of blood circulated
through his wind-dried carcase for good ten years, and yet there was
not a greater busy-body in the whole colony. Personalities have seldom
much efFeft in making converts in argument, nor have I ever seen a
man convinced of error by being convi6ted of deformity. At least, such
was not the case at present. If T'en Breeches was very happy in sarcasm.
Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy little man and never gave up the last
word, rejoined with increasing spirit. Ten Breeches had the advantage
of the greatest volubility, but Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat
of mail in argument called obstinacy ; Ten Breeches had, therefore, the
most mettle, but Tough Breeches the best bottom, so that, though Ten
Breeches made a dreadful clattering about his ears, and battered and be-
labored him with hard words and sound arguments, yet Tough Breeches
hung on most resolutely to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual
in all arguments where both parties are in the right, without coming
to any conclusion ; but they hated each other most heartily forever
after, and a similar breach with that between the houses of Capulet and
Montague did ensue between the families of Ten Breeches and Tough
Breeches.
I would not fatigue my reader with these dull matters of fa6l but that
my duty as a faithful historian requires that I should be particular ; and,
in truth, as I am now treating of the critical period when our city, like
a young twig, first received the twists and turns which have since con-
tributed to give it its present picturesque irregularity, I cannot be too
minute in detailing their first causes.
After the unhappy altercation I have just mentioned, I do not find that
anything farther was said on the subject worthy of being recorded.
The council, consisting of the largest and oldest heads in the commu-
nity, met regularly once a week to ponder on this momentous subjeft ;
but either they were deterred by the war of words they had witnessed,
or they were naturally averse to the exercise of the tongue and the
consequent exercise of the brains ; certain it is, the most profound si-
lence was maintained, the question as usual lay on the table, the mem-
bers quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, without ever
[ 68 ]
Ch.viii] New York ^c.
enforcing any, and in the mean time the affairs of the settlement went
on — as it pleased God.
As most of the council were but little skilled in the mystery of com-
bining pot-hooks and hangers, they determined most judiciously not to
puzzle either themselves or posterity with voluminous records. The
secretary, however, kept the minutes of the council with tolerable
precision in a large vellum folio, fastened with massy brass clasps ; the
journal of each meeting consisted but of two lines, stating in Dutch
that "the council sat this day, and smoked twelve pipes, on the affairs
of the colony ;" by which it appears that the first settlers did not regu-
late their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they meas-
ure distances in Holland at this very time — an admirably exaft measure-
ment, as a pipe in the mouth of a true-born Dutchman is never liable to
those accidents and irregularities that are continually putting our clocks
out of order.
In this manner did the profound council of New Amsterdam smoke,
and doze, and ponder, from week to week, month to month, and year
to year, in what manner they should construft their infant settlement ;
meanwhile, the town took care of itself, and, like a sturdy brat which is
suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and bandages and
other abominations by which your notable nurses and sage old women
cripple and disfigure the children of men, increased so rapidly in strength
and magnitude, that before the honest burgomasters had determined upon
a plan, it was too late to put it in execution, — whereupon they wisely
abandoned the subjed: altogether.
Ch
[ 69 ]
Chapter ix
HOW the City of New Amsterdam waxed great under the
ProteSlion of St. Nicholas and the Absence of haws and Statutes ; how
Oloffe the Dreamer began to Dream of an extension of Empire, and of the
EffeSf of his Dreams.
THERE is something exceedingly delusive in thus looking
back through the long vista of departed years, and catching
a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity. Like a landscape
melting into distance, they receive a thousand charms from
their very obscurity, and the fancy delights to fill up their
outlines with graces and excellences of its own creation. Thus loom on
my imagination those happier days of our city, w^hen as yet New Am-
sterdam was a mere pastoral town, shrouded in groves of sycamore and
willows, and surrounded by trackless forests and wide-spreading waters,
that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a wicked world.
In those days did this embryo city present the rare and noble spectacle
of a community governed without laws ; and thus, being left to its own
course and the fostering care of Providence, increased as rapidly as
though it had been burdened with a dozen panniers full of those sage
laws usually heaped on the backs of young cities in order to make
them grow. And in this particular I greatly admire the wisdom and
sound knowledge of human nature displayed by the sage Oloffe the
Dreamer and his fellow-legislators. For my part, I have not so bad an
opinion of mankind as many of my brother philosophers. I do not think
poor human nature so sorry a piece ot workmanship as they would make
it out to be ; and, as far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that man,
if left to himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. It is only
this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his duty to go right which
makes him go the very reverse. The noble independence of his nature
revolts at this intolerable tyranny of law and the perpetual interference
of officious morality, which is ever besetting his path with finger-posts
and directions to "keep to the right, as the law direfts"; and, like a
spirited urchin, he turns directly contrary, and gallops through mud
and mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad of
spirit and out of his leading-strings. And these opinions are amply sub-
stantiated by what I have above said of our worthy ancestors, who,
[ 70 ]
Ch. ix] N e w Y o r k ^c.
never being be-preached and be-lettured and guided and governed by
statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their more enlightened descendants,
did one and all demean themselves honestly and peaceably, out of pure
ignorance, or, in other words, because they knew no better.
Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest measures of this infant
settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety of our forefathers, and that,
like good Christians^ they were always ready to serve God after they
had first served themselves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves
down and provided for their own comfort, they bethought themselves
of testifying their gratitude to the great and good St. Nicholas for his
protecting care in guiding them to this delegable abode. To this end
they built a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which they conse-
crated to his name ; whereupon he immediately took the town of New
Amsterdam under his peculiar patronage, and he has ever since been, and
I devoutly hope will ever be, the tutelar saint of this excellent city.
At this early period was instituted that pious ceremony, still religiously
observed in all our ancient families of the right breed, of hanging up a
stocking in the chimney on St. Nicholas eve ; which stocking is always
found in the morning miraculously filled — for the good St. Nicholas has
ever been a great giver of gifts, particularly to children.
I am moreover told that there is a little legendary book, somewhere
extant, written in Low Dutch., which says that the image of this re-
nowned saint, which whilom graced the bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw,
was elevated in front of this chapel, in the centre of what in modern
days is called the Bowling Green, — on the very spot, in fatt, where he
appeared in vision to Oloffe the Dreamer. And the legend further treats
of divers miracles wrought by the mighty pipe which the saint held in
his mouth, a whiff of which was a sovereign cure for indigestion, — an
invaluable relic in this colony of brave trenchermen. As, however, in
spite of the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this little
book, I must confess that I entertain considerable doubt on the subjeft.
Thus benignly fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the infant city thrived
apace. Hordes of painted savages, it is true, still lurked about the un-
settled parts of the island. The hunter still pitched his bower of skins
and bark beside the rills that ran through the cool and shady glens,
while here and there might be seen on some sunny knoll a group of
Indian wigwams whose smoke arose above the neighboring trees and
floated in the transparent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, however,
existed between these wandering beings and the burghers of New Am-
sterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavored as much as possible to
ameliorate their situation by giving them gin, rum, and glass beads in
[71]
BOOK III
In which
is Recorded the Golden Reign of
2Bouter Man CtuiUer
BOOK
I I I
c h
a
t e r I
OF the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his unparalleled
Virtues — as likewise his unutterable wisdom in the Law-Case of Wandle
ScHOONHOvEN and Barent Bleecker, and the great Admiration of the
Public thereat.
GRIEVOUS and very much to be commiserated is the task
of the feehng historian who writes the history of his native
land. If it fall to his lot to be the sad recorder of calamity or
crime, the mournful page is watered with his tears ; nor
can he recall the most prosperous and blissful era without
a melancholy sigh at the reflexion that it has passed away forever ! I
know not whether it be owing to an immoderate love for the simpli-
city of former times, or to that certain tenderness of heart incident to
all sentimental historians ; but I candidly confess that I cannot look
back on the happier days of our city, which I now describe, without
great dejection of spirit. With faltering hand do I withdraw the cur-
tain of oblivion that veils the modest merit of our venerable ancestors,
and, as their figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself before
their mighty shades.
Such are my feelings when I revisit the family mansion of the Knicker-
bockers and spend a lonely hour in the chamber where hang the por-
traits of my forefathers, shrouded in dust, like the forms they represent.
With pious reverence do I gaze on the countenances of those renowned
burghers who have preceded me in the steady march of existence,
whose sober and temperate blood now meanders through my veins,
flowing slower and slower in its feeble conduits, until its current shall
soon be stopped forever !
These, say I to myself, are but frail memorials of the mighty men who
flourished in the days of the patriarchs, but who, alas, have long since
mouldered in that tomb towards which my steps are insensibly and
irresistibly hastening ! As I pace the darkened chamber and lose myself
[ 17 ]
A History of [Bk. m
in melancholy musings, the shadowy images around me almost seem to
steal once more into existence ; their countenances to assume the anima-
tion of life ; their eyes to pursue me in every movement ! Carried away
by the delusions of fancy, I almost imagine myself surrounded by the
shades of the departed and holding sweet converse with the worthies
of antiquity ! Ah, hapless Diedrich ! born in a degenerate age, aban-
doned to the buffetings of fortune ; a stranger and a weary pilgrim in
thy native land ; blest with no weeping wife nor family of helpless
children, but doomed to wander neglefted through those crowded
streets, and elbowed by foreign upstarts from those fair abodes where
once thine ancestors held sovereign empire !
Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor suffer the
doting recolleftions of age to overcome me, while dwelling with fond
garrulity on the virtuous days of the patriarchs, — on those sweet days
of simplicity and ease which never more will dawn on the lovely island
of Manna-hata.
These melancholy reflections have been forced from me by the growing
wealth and importance of New Amsterdam, which, I plainly perceive,
are to involve it in all kinds of perils and disasters. Already, as I ob-
served at the close of my last book, they had awakened the attentions
of the mother-country. The usual mark of proteft ion shown by mother-
countries to wealthy colonies was forthwith manifested — a governor
being sent out to rule over the province, and squeeze out of it as much
revenue as possible. The arrival of a governor of course put an end to
the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer. He appears, however, to have
dreamt to some purpose during his sway, as we find him afterwards
living as a patroon on a great landed estate on the banks of the Hudson ;
having virtually forfeited all right to his ancient appellation of Kort-
landt or Lackland.
It was in the year of our Lord 1629 that Mynheer Wouter Van T^willer
was appointed governor of the province of Nieuiv Nederlandts, under the
commission and control of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States
General of the United Netherlands, and the privileged IVest India Com-
pany.
This renowned old gentleman arrived at Neiv Amsterdam in the merry
month of June, the sweetest month in all the year, when dan Apollo
seems to dance up the transparent firmament, when the robin, the
thrush, and a thousand other wanton songsters make the woods to re-
sound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little boblincon revels
among the clover-blossoms of the meadows — all which happy coinci-
dence persuaded the old dames of New Amsterdam, who were skilled
[ 78 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K
in the art ot foretelling events, that this was to be a happy and pros-
perous administration.
The renowned IVouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was descended from a
long line of Dutch burgomasters who had successively dozed away their
lives and grown fat upon the bench of magistracy in Rotterda?n, and
who had comported themselves with such singular wisdom and pro-
priety that they were never either heard or talked of — which, next to
being universally applauded, should be the objeft of ambition of all
magistrates and rulers. There are two opposite ways by which some
men make a figure in the world : one, by talking faster than they think,
and the other, by holding their tongues and not thinking at all. By the
first, many a smatterer acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts ;
by the other, many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest of birds,
comes to be considered the very type of wisdom. This, by the way, is
a casual remark, which I would not for the universe have it thought
I apply to Governor Van 'Twiiler. It is true he was a man shut up
within himself like an oyster, and rarely spoke except in monosyllables ;
but then it was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing. So invincible
was his gravity that he was never known to laugh or even to smile
through the whole course of a long and prosperous life. Nay, if a joke
were uttered in his presence that set light-minded hearers in a roar,
it was observed to throw him into a state of perplexity. Sometimes he
would deign to inquire into the matter, and when, after much explana-
tion, the joke was made as plain as a pike-staff, he would continue to
smoke his pipe in silence, and at length, knocking out the ashes, would
exclaim, "Well ! I see nothing in all that to laugh about."
With all his refledtive habits, he never made up his mind on a subjeft.
His adherents accounted for this by the astonishing magnitude of his
ideas. He conceived every subje6t on so grand a scale that he had not
room in his head to turn it over and examine both sides of it. Certain
it is, that if any matter were propounded to him on which ordinary
mortals would rashly determine at first glance, he would put on a
vague, mysterious look, shake his capacious head, smoke some time in
profound silence, and at length observe that "he had his doubts about
the matter," — which gained him the reputation of a man slow of belief
and not easily imposed upon. What is more, it gained him a lasting
name ; for to this habit of the mind has been attributed his surname of
T'lviller, which is said to be a corruption of the original Tivijjier, or, in
plain English, Doubter.
The person of this illustrious old gentleman was formed and propor-
tioned as though it had been moulded by the hands of some cunning
[ 79 ]
A History of [Bk. m
Dutch statuary as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He was
exaftly five feet six inches in height and six feet five inches in circum-
ference. His head was a perfeft sphere, and of such stupendous dimen-
sions that Dame Nature^ with all her sex's ingenuity, would have been
puzzled to construct a neck capable of supporting it ; wherefore she
wisely declined the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top of his
backbone, just between the shoulders. His body was oblong and partic-
ularly capacious at bottom ; which was wisely ordered by Providence,
seeing that he was a man of sedentary habits, and very averse to the
idle labor of walking. His legs were short, but sturdy in proportion to
the weight they had to sustain ; so that when ere6t he had not a little
the appearance of a beer-barrel on skids. His face, that infallible index
of the mind, presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by any of those lines
and angles which disfigure the human countenance with what is termed
expression. Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly in the midst, like two
stars of lesser magnitude in a hazy firmament, and his full-fed cheeks,
which seemed to have taken toll of everything that went into his mouth,
.were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like a spitzenberg
apple.
His habits were as regular as his person. He daily took his four stated
meals, appropriating exactly an hour to each ; he smoked and doubted
eight hours, and he slept the remaining twelve of the four-and-twenty.
Such was the renowned Wouter Van Twi/kr, — a true philosopher, for
his mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly settled below, the
cares and perplexities of this world. He had lived in it for years with-
out feeling the least curiosity to know whether the sun revolved round
it, or it round the sun ; and he had watched for at least half a century
the smoke curling from his pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling
his head with any of those numerous theories by which a philosopher
would have perplexed his brain, in accounting for its rising above the
surrounding atmosphere.
In his council he presided with great state and solemnity. He sat in a
huge chair ot solid oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the Hague,
fabricated by an experienced timmerman oi Amsterdam, and curiously
carved about the arms and feet into exaft imitations of gigantic eagle's
claws. Instead of a sceptre he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought
with jasmin and amber, which had been presented to a stadtholder of
Holland at the conclusion of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary
powers. In this stately chair would he sit, and this magnificent pipe
would he smoke, shaking his right knee with a constant motion, and
fixing his eye for hours together upon a little print of Amsterdam^
[ 80 ]
"-^--.^.iV
Wouter Van Twiller. " The morning after he had been installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his
breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with milk and Indian pudding, he was interrupted by the appearance
a/Wandlc Schoonhoven, a verx important old burgher of New AmstL-rdam."
Ch. I] N E W Y O R K ^C.
which hung in a black frame against the opposite wall of the council-
chamber Nay, it has even been said that when any deliberation ot
extraordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, the renowned
PFoiaer would shut his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he might
not be disturbed by external objefts ; and at such times the internal
commotion of his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural sounds,
which his admirers declared were merely the noise of conflia made
by his contending doubts and opinions.
It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to colled these bio-
graphical anecdotes of the great man under consideration The fads
?espeaing him were so scattered and vague, and divers of them so
questionable in point of authenticity, that I have had to give up the
search after many, and decline the admission of still more which would
have tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait.
I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the person and habits
of muter Van Twiller, from the consideration that he was not only the
first, but also the best, governor that ever presided over this ancient
and'respeaable province ; and so tranquil and benevolent was his reign,
that I do not find throughout the whole of it a single instance of any
offender being brought to punishment,— a most indubitable sign of a
merciful governor, and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the
illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned Fan
Tiviller was a lineal descendant. .
The very outset of the career of this excellent magistrate was distin-
guished by an example of legal acumen that gave flattering presage of
a wise and equitable administration. The morning after he had been
installed in office, and at the moment that he was making his break-
fast from a prodigious earthen dish filled with milk and Indian pud-
ding he was interrupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoonhoven a
very'important old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained bit-
terly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to come to a settle-
ment of accounts, seeing that there was a heavy balance in favor of the
said Wandle. Governor Van rwiller, as I have already observed, was a
man of few words ; he was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying writ-
ings, or being disturbed at his breakfast. Having listened attentively to
the statement of PVandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as he
shovelled a spoonful of Indian pudding into his mouth, — either as a sign
that he relished the dish, or comprehended the story, — he called unto
him his constable, and, pulling out of his breeches-pocket a huge jack-
knife, dispatched it after the defendant as a summons, accompanied by
his tobacco-box as a warrant.
[ 8i ]
A History ^r. [Bk. m
This summary process was as effectual in those simple days as was the
seal-ring of the great Haroiin Alraschid among the true believers. The
two parties being confronted before him, each produced a book of ac-
counts, written in a language and character that would have puzzled
any but a High-Dutch commentator or a learned decipherer of Egyptian
obelisks. The sage Woiiter took them one after the other, and, having
poised them in his hands and attentively counted over the number of
leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, and smoked for half an
hour without saying a word ; at length, laying his finger beside his
nose and shutting his eyes for a moment, with the air of a man who
has just caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from
his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco-smoke, and with marvel-
lous gravity and solemnity pronounced that, having carefully counted
over the leaves and weighed the books, it was found that one was just
as thick and as heavy as the other ; therefore, it was the final opinion
of the court that the accounts were equally balanced ; therefore, Wandle
should give Barent a receipt, and Barent should give Wandle a receipt,
and the constable should pay the costs.
This decision, being straightway made known, diffused general joy
throughout Neiv Amsterdatn, for the people immediately perceived that
they had a very wise and equitable magistrate to rule over them. But
its happiest effect was, that not another lawsuit took place throughout
the whole of his administration ; and the office of constable fell into
such decay that there was not one of those losel scouts known in the
province for many years. I am the more particular in dwelling on this
transaftion, not only because I deem it one of the most sage and right-
eous judgments on record, and well worthy the attention of modern
magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event in the history of the
renowned IVouter — being the only time he was ever known to come to
a decision in the whole course of his life.
Ch
[ 82 ]
Chapter i i
CONTAINING some Account of the Grand Council of ^■^-^
Amsterdam ; as also divers especial good Philosophical Reasons ivhy an Al-
derman should be Fat; with other Particulars touching the State of the Prov-
ince.
IN treating of the early governors of the province, I must caution
my readers against confounding them, in point of dignity and
power, with those worthy gentlemen who are whimsically de-
nominated governors in this enlightened republic, — a set of un-
happy victims of popularity who are, in fad:, the most dependent,
hen-pecked beings in the community, doomed to bear the secret goad-
ings and corrections of their own party and the sneers and revilings
of the whole world beside ; set up, like geese at Christmas holidays, to
be pelted and shot at by every whipster and vagabond in the land. On
the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority
vested in all commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were,
in a manner, absolute despots in their little domains, lording it, if so
disposed, over both law and gospel, and accountable to none but the
mother-country, which it is well known is astonishingly deaf to all
complaints against its governors, provided they discharge the main duty
of their station — squeezing out a good revenue. This hint will be of
importance, to prevent my readers from being seized with doubt and
incredulity whenever, in the course of this authentic history, they en-
counter the uncommon circumstance of a governor afting with inde-
pendence and in opposition to the opinions of the multitude.
To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business of legislation, a
board of magistrates was appointed, which presided immediately over
the police. This potent body consisted of a schout or bailiff, with powers
between those of the present mayor and sheriff; five burgermeesters,
who were equivalent to aldermen ; and five schepens, who officiated as
scrubs, subdevils, or bottle-holders to the burgermeesters, in the same
manner as do assistant aldermen to their principals at the present day,
— it being their duty to fill the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt
the markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to discharge such
other little offices of kindness as were occasionally required. It was,
moreover, tacitly understood, though not specifically enjoined, that they
[ 83 ]
A History of [Bk. m
should consider themselves as butts for the blunt wits of the burger-
meesters, and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes ; but this last
was a duty as rarely called in aftion in those days as it is at present, and
was shortly remitted, in consequence of the tragical death of a fat little
schepen who actually died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to
force a laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's bestjok.es.
In return for these humble services they were permitted to say yes and
no at the council-board, and to have that enviable privilege, the run of
the public kitchen, — being graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and
smoke, at all those snug junketings and public gormandizings for which
the ancient magistrates were equally famous with their modern succes-
sors. The post of schepen, therefore, like that of assistant alderman, was
eagerly coveted by all your burghers of a certain description, who have
a huge relish for good feeding and an humble ambition to be great
men in a small way, — who thirst after a little brief authority that shall
render them the terror of the alms-house and the bridewell, — that shall
enable them to lord it over obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast
prostitution, and hunger-driven dishonesty, — that shall give to their
beck a houndlike pack of catchpolls and bumbailiffs, tenfold greater
rogues than the culprits they hunt down ! My readers will excuse this
sudden warmth, which I confess is unbecoming of a grave historian, —
but I have a mortal antipathy to catchpolls, bumbailiffs, and little-great
men.
The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with those of the
present time no less in form, magnitude, and intelled: than in preroga-
tive and privilege. The burgomasters, like our aldermen, were gener-
ally chosen by weight, — and not only the weight of the body, but like-
wise the weight of the head. It is a maxim praftically observed in all
honest, plain-thinking, regular cities, that an alderman should be fat, —
and the wisdom of this can be proved to a certainty. That the body is
in some measure an image of the mind, or rather that the mind is
moulded to the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast,
has been insisted on by many philosophers who have made human na-
ture their peculiar study ; for, as a learned gentleman of our own city
observes, " there is a constant relation between the moral charaffer of
all intelligent creatures and their physical constitution, between their
habits and the structure of their bodies." Thus we see that a lean, spare,
diminutive body is generally accompanied by a petulant, restless, med-
dling mind : either the mind wears down the body by its continual
motion, or else the body, not affording the mind sufficient house-room,
keeps it continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worrying about
[ 84 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^f.
from the uneasiness of its situation. Whereas your round, sleek, fat,
unwieldy periphery is ever attended by a mind like itself, tranquil, tor-
pid, and at ease ; and we may always observe that your well-fed robus-
tious burghers are in general very tenacious of their ease and comfort,
being great enemies to noise, discord, and disturbance ; and surely
none are more likely to study the public tranquillity than those who are
so careful of their own. Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or
herding together in turbulent mobs .? No, no ; it is your lean, hungry men
who are continually worrying society and setting the whole community
by the ears.
The divine Plato, whose doftrines are not sufficiently attended to by
philosophers of the present age, allows to every man three souls : one,
immortal and rational, seated in the brain, that it may overlook and
regulate the body ; a second, consisting of the surly and irascible pas-
sions which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the heart ; a
third, mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and brutal in its
propensities, and enchained in the belly, that it may not disturb the
divine soul by its ravenous bowlings. Now, according to this excellent
theory, what can be more clear than that your fat alderman is most
likely to have the most regular and well-conditioned mind ! His head
is like a huge spherical chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft
brains, whereon the rational soul lies softly and snugly couched as on
a feather-bed ; and the eyes, which are the windows of the bedcham-
ber, are usually half closed, that its slumberings may not be disturbed
by external objefts. A mind thus comfortably lodged and protefted from
disturbance is manifestly most likely to perform its fundions with reg-
ularity and ease. By dint of good feeding, moreover, the mortal and
malignant soul which is confined in the belly, and which, by its ra-
ging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in the neighborhood of the heart
in an intolerable passion, and thus renders men crusty and quarrelsome
when hungry, is completely pacified, silenced, and put to rest ; where-
upon a host of honest, good-fellow qualities and kind-hearted^affeftions,
which had lain perdue, slyly peeping out of the loop-holes of the heart,
finding this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one and
all in their holiday suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm,—
disposing their possessor to laughter, good-humor, and a thousand
friendly offices towards his fellow-mortals.
As a board of magistrates formed on this model think but very little,
they are the less likely to differ and wrangle about favorite opinions ; and,
as they generally transact business upon a hearty dinner, they are natu-
rally disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the administration of their
[ 85 ]
A History of [Bk.
duties. Charlemagne was conscious of this, and therefore ordered in his
cartularies that no judge should hold a court of justice, except in the
morning, on an empty stomach, a pitiful rule which I can never for-
give him, and which I warrant bore hard upon all the poor culprits in
the kingdom. The more enlightened and humane generation of the
present day have taken an opposite course, and have so managed that
the aldermen are the best-fed men in the community, feasting lustily
on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily on oysters and
turtles that in process of time they acquire the activity of the one and
the form, the waddle, and the green fat of the other. The consequence
is, as I have just said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a dulcet
equanimity and repose of the soul, rational and irrational, that their tran-
saftions are proverbial for unvarying monotony ; and the profound laws
which they enaft in their dozing moments, amid the labors of diges-
tion, are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never enforced
when awake. In a word, your fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a
full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the house-door, always at home, and
always at hand to watch over its safety ; but as to electing a lean, med-
dling candidate to the office, as has now and then been done, I would
as lief put a greyhound to watch the house, or a race-horse to draw an
ox-wagon.
The burgomasters, then, as I have already mentioned, were wisely chosen
by weight, and the schepens, or assistant aldermen, were appointed to
attend upon them and help them eat ; but the latter, in course of time,
when they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of body and
drowsiness of brain, became very eligible candidates for the burgomas-
ters' chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into office, as a mouse eats
his way into a comfortable lodgment in a goodly, blue-nosed, skimmed-
milk. New England cheese.
Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that took place between
the renowned Wouter and these his worthy compeers, unless it be the
sage divans of some of our modern corporations. They would sit for
hours smoking and dozing over public affairs, without speaking a word
to interrupt that perfect stillness so necessary to deep reflection. Under
the sober sway o^ Wouter Van 'Twiller and these his worthy coadjutors,
the infant settlement waxed vigorous apace, gradually emerging from
the swamps and forests, and exhibiting that mingled appearance of town
and country customary in new cities, and which at this day may be
witnessed in the city oi Washington, — that immense metropolis, which
makes so glorious an appearance on paper.
It was a pleasing sight in those times to behold the honest burgher,
[ 86 ]
Ch. ii]
New York &^c.
like a patriarch of yore, seated on the bench at the door of his white-
wahed house und^^ the shade of some gigantic sycamore or overhang-
Tnt wUlow Here would he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, en-
ovinT hr oft southern breeze and listening with silent gratulation to
ihe clucking of his hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous
Iruntine of his swine,-that combination of farm-yard melody which
Say tru'ly be sa.d to have a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a cer-
'r.VZZ:\;i!:^^^^^^^^ the streets of this popu-
^us dtv can scarcely form an idea of the different appearance they
pre eS n the pimlive days of the Dou6fer. The busy hum of mul-
dtudes the shouts of revelry the rumbling equipages of fashion, the
ratdine of accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawhng
commerce were unknown in the settlement of Ne.a Amsterdam The
eraTerew quietly in the highways ; the bleating sheep and frolicsome
Slves^ portld about the verdant ridge where now the ^road^p^o^^.
t:X their morning stroH the cunning ^^^ or ravenous woH skulked
•" Z::t:X TnZl^Zo^Zl^^^^^^ of vociferous geese
c&bouh fields wher'e now the great Tammany wigwam and
the patriotic tavern oi Martllng echo with the wranghngs of the mob
"f ^ o« moufd fd o be .hose hones., blunt minds which, l,ke
certain manufeaur^, are made by the gross, and considered as exceed-
T^'/srhitnsThrjourtrue dull minds are generally preferred for
lubl c emX and especially promoted to city honors ; your keen m-
Llieashke razors, being considered too sharp for common serv.ce 1
know that it s common to rail at the unequal distribution of r.ches. as
the gr a sou ce of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakmgs; whereas, or
mv part I verily believe it is the sad inequality of intelka that pre
"ils"^ hat embroils communities more than '>ny'l""g '1^= ^ =";d I /a^v^
EdrS':^s;x^^^^^e^^"^^SSS;
[ 87 ]
A History of [Bk.ih
genius was an animal unknown, and a blue-stocking lady would have
been regarded with as much wonder as a horned frog or a fiery dragon.
No man, in faft, seemed to know more than his neighbor, nor any man
to know more than an honest man ought to know, who has nobody's
business to mind but his own ; the parson and the council clerk were
the only men that could read in the community, and the sage Van
T'willer always signed his name with a cross.
Thrice happy and ever to be envied little burgh ! existing in all the
security of harmless insignificance, unnoticed and unenvied by the
world, without ambition, without vainglory, without riches, without
learning, and all their train of carking cares. And as of yore, in the
better days of man, the deities were wont to visit him on earth and bless
his rural habitations, so we are told, in the sylvan days of New Amste?--
dam, the good St. Nicholas would often make his appearance in his be-
loved city of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the tree-tops, or
over the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing forth magnificent
presents from his breeches pockets, and dropping them down the chim-
neys of his favorites. Whereas, in these degenerate days of iron and
brass he never shows us the light of his countenance, nor ever visits
us, save one night in the year, when he rattles down the chimneys of
the descendants of patriarchs, confining his presents merely to the chil-
dren, in token of the degeneracy of the parents.
Such are the comfortable and thriving effects of a fat government. The
province of the New Netherlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a sweet
tranquillity that wealth could never purchase. There were neither pub-
lic commotions nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor sefts, nor
schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor were
there counsellors, attorneys, catchpolls, or hangmen. Every man at-
tended to what little business he was lucky enough to have, or neglefted
it if he pleased, without asking the opinion of his neighbor. In those
days nobody meddled with concerns above his comprehension, nor
thrust his nose into other people's aiTairs, nor neglected to correft his
own condu6l, and reform his own charafter, in his zeal to pull to pieces
the characters of others ; but, in a word, every respectable citizen ate
when he was not hungry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went
regularly to bed when the sun set and the fowls went to roost, whether
he was sleepy or not ; all which tended so remarkably to the population
of the settlement, that I am told every dutiful wife throughout New
Amsterdam made a point of enriching her husband with at least one
child a year, and very often a brace, — this superabundance of good
things clearly constituting the true luxury of life, according to the fa-
[ 88 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K &^C,
vorite Dutch maxim, that "more than enough constitutes a feast."
Everything, therefore, went on exa6tly as it should do, and, in the
usual words employed by historians to express the welfare of a coun-
try, "the profoundest tranquillity and repose reigned throughout the
province."
C h a
[ 89 ]
Chapter i i i
HOW the Town (t/'New Amsterdam arose out of Mud ^ and
came to be marvellously Polished and Polite ; Together with a PiSlure of the
Manners of our Great-Great-Grandfathers.
MANIFOLD are the tastes and dispositions of the enlight-
ened literati who turn over the pages of history. Some
there be whose hearts are brimful of the yeast of courage,
and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam with
untried valor, like a barrel of new cider, or a train-band
captain fresh from under the hands of his tailor. This doughty class of
readers can be satisfied with nothing but bloody battles and horrible
encounters ; they must be continually storming forts, sacking cities,
springing mines, marching up to the muzzles of cannon, charging
bayonet through every page, and revelling in gunpowder and carnage.
Others, who are of a less martial but equally ardent imagination, and who,
withal, are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell with wondrous sat-
isfaction on descriptions of prodigies, unheard-of events, hairbreadth es-
capes, hardy adventures, and all those astonishing narrations which just
amble along the boundary line of possibility. A third class, who, not to
speak slightly of them, are of a lighter turn, and skim over the records
of past times as they do over the edifying pages of a novel, merely for
relaxation and innocent amusement, do singularly delight in treasons, exe-
cutions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages, conflagrations, murders, and all the
other catalogue of hideous crimes, which, like cayenne in cookery, do give
a pungency and flavor to the dull detail of history. While a fourth class,
of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore over the musty chronicles
of time, to investigate the operations of the human kind and watch the
gradual changes in men and manners, efFed:ed by the progress of know-
ledge, the vicissitudes of events, or the influence of situation.
If the first three classes find but little wherewithal to solace themselves
in the tranquil reign of Wouter Van Twiller, I entreat them to exert
their patience for a while, and bear with the tedious pi(5f:ure of happi-
ness, prosperity, and peace, which my duty as a faithful historian obliges
me to draw ; and I promise them that as soon as I can possibly alight
on anything horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go hard but
I will make it afford them entertainment. This being premised, I turn
[ 90 ]
Ch. hi] New York ^c.
with great complacency to the fourth class ot my readers, who are men,
or, if possible, women, after my own heart, — grave, philosophical, and
investigating, — fond of analyzing characters, of taking a start from first
causes, and so hunting a nation down through all the mazes of innova-
tion and improvement. Such will naturally be anxious to witness the
first development ot the newly hatched colony, and the primitive man-
ners and customs prevalent among its inhabitants, during the halcyon
reign of Fa/i T'lvU/er, or the Doubter.
I will not grieve their patience, however, by describing minutely the
increase and improvement of New Amsterdam. Their own imaginations
will doubtless present to them the good burghers, like so many painstak-
ing and persevering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their labors : they
will behold the prosperous transformation from the rude log hut to the
stately Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof;
from the tangled thicket to the luxuriant cabbage-garden ; and from the
skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. In a word, they will pic-
ture to themselves the steady, silent, and undeviating march of prosperity,
incident to a city destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat govern-
ment, and whose citizens do nothing in a hurry.
The sage council, as has been mentioned in a preceding chapter, not being
able to determine upon any plan for the building of their city, the cows,
in a laudable fit of patriotism, took it under their peculiar charge, and, as
they went to and from pasture, established paths through the bushes, on
each side of which the good folks built their houses, — which is one cause
of the rambling and picturesque turns and labyrinths which distinguish
certain streets of New York at this very day.
The houses of the higher class were generally constructed of wood, ex-
cepting the gable end, which was of small black and yellow Dutch bricks,
and always faced on the street, as our ancestors, like their descendants,
were very much given to outward show, and were noted for putting the
best leg foremost. The house was always furnished with abundance of
large doors and small windows on every floor, the date of its ereCtion was
curiously designated by iron figures on the front, and on the top of the
roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, to let the family into the
important secret which way the wind blew.
These, like the weathercocks on the tops of our steeples, pointed so many
different ways that every man could have a wind to his mind ; the
most stanch and loyal citizens, however, always went according to the
weathercock on the top of the governor's house, which was certainly the
most correct, as he had a trusty servant employed every morning to climb
up and set it to the right quarter.
[ 91 ]
A History of [Bk. m
In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, a passion for cleanliness
was the leading principle in domestic economy and the universal test
of an able housewife, — a charafter which formed the utmost ambition
of our unenlightened grandmothers. The front door was never opened,
except on marriages, funerals, New-Year's days, the festival olSt. Nicholas,
or some such great occasion. It was ornamented with a gorgeous brass
knocker, curiously wrought, sometimes in the device of a dog and some-
times of a lion's head, and was daily burnished with such religious zeal
that it was ofttimes worn out by the very precautions taken for its pre-
servation. The whole house was constantly in a state of inundation, under
the discipline of mops and brooms and scrubbing-brushes ; and the good
housewives of those days were a kind of amphibious animal, delighting
exceedingly to be dabbling in water, — insomuch that an historian of the
day gravely tells us that many of his townswomen grew to have webbed
fingers like unto a duck ; and some of them, he had little doubt, could
the matter be examined into, would be found to have the tails of mer-
maids, — but this I look upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is
worse, a wilful misrepresentation.
The grand parlor was the sanftum sanftorum, where the passion for clean-
ing was indulged without control. In this sacred apartment no one was
permitted to enter, excepting the mistress and her confidential maid, who
visited it, once a week, for the purpose of giving it a thorough cleaning
and putting things to rights, — always taking the precaution of leaving
their shoes at the door and entering devoutly on their stocking-feet.
After scrubbing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white sand, which was
curiously stroked into angles and curves and rhomboids with a broom, —
after washing the windows, rubbing and polishing the furniture, and put-
ting a new bunch of evergreens in the fireplace, — the window-shutters
were again closed to keep out the flies, and the room carefully locked up
until the revolution of time brought round the weekly cleaning-day.
As to the family, they always entered in at the gate, and most generally
lived in the kitchen. To have seen a numerous household assembled round
the fire, one would have imagined that he was transported back to those
happy days of primeval simplicity which float before our imaginations
like golden visions. The fireplaces were of a truly patriarchal magnitude,
where the whole family, old and young, master and servant, black and
white, nay, even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a community of privilege,
and had each a right to a corner. Here the old burgher would sit in per-
feft silence, pufiing his pipe, looking in the fire with half-shut eyes, and
thinking of nothing for hours together ; the goede vrouw, on the oppo-
site side, would employ herself diligently in spinning yarn or knitting
[ 92 ]
Ch.iii] New York ^r.
stockings. The young folks would crowd around the hearth, listening
with breathless attention to some old crone of a negro, who was the oracle
of the family, and who, perched like a raven in the corner of the chimney,
would croak forth for a long winter afternoon a string of incredible stories
about New-England witches, grisly ghosts, horses without heads, and
hair-breadth escapes and bloody encounters among the Indians.
In those happy days a well-regulated family always rose with the dawn,
dined at eleven, and went to bed at sunset. Dinner was invariably a pri-
vate meal, and the fat old burghers showed incontestable signs of disap-
probation and uneasiness at being surprised by a visit from a neighbor on
such occasions. But though our worthy ancestors were thus singularly
averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy
by occasional banquetings, called tea-parties.
These fashionable parties were generally confined to the higher classes,
or noblesse — that is to say, such as kept their own cows and drove their
own wagons. The company commonly assembled at three o'clock and
went away about six, unless it was in winter-time, when the fashionable
hours were a little earlier, that the ladies might get home before dark.
The tea-table was crowned with a huge earthen dish well stored with
slices of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in
gravy. The company, being seated round the genial board, and each fur-
nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in launching at the fattest
pieces in this mighty dish, — in much the same manner as sailors harpoon
porpoises at sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes the
table was graced with immense apple-pies, or saucers full of preserved
peaches and pears ; but it was always sure to boast an enormous dish of
balls of sweetened dough, fried in hog's fat, and called doughnuts, or oly-
koeks, — a delicious kind of cake at present scarce known in this city
except in genuine Dutch families.
The tea was served out of a majesticZ)f^/ teapot, ornamented with paint-
ings of fat little Dutch shepherds and shepherdesses tending pigs, with
boats sailing in the air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other
ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished themselves by their
adroitness in replenishing this pot from a huge copper teakettle, which
would have made the pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat
merely to look at it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar was laid
beside each cup, and the company alternately nibbled and sipped with
great decorum, until an improvement was introduced by a shrewd and
economic old lady, which was to suspend a large lump dire6tly over the
tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it could be swung from
mouth to mouth, — an ingenious expedient which is still kept up by
[ 93 J
A History ^c. [Bk. m
some families in Albany, but which prevails without exception in Com-
munipaw, Bergen, Flatbush, and all our uncontaminated Dutch villages.
At these primitive tea-parties the utmost propriety and dignity of de-
portment prevailed. No flirting nor coquetting, — no gambling of old
ladies, nor hoyden chattering and romping of young ones, — no self-sat-
isfied struttings of wealthy gentlemen with their brains in their pockets,
nor amusing conceits and monkey divertisements of smart young gentle-
men with no brains at all. On the contrary, the young ladies seated them-
selves demurely in their rush-bottom chairs, and knit their own woollen
stockings, nor ever opened their lips excepting to say yah Mynheer, or
yah ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked them, behaving in all
things like decent, well-educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of
them tranquilly smoked his pipe and seemed lost in contemplation of the
blue and white tiles with which the fireplaces were decorated, wherein
sundry passages of Scripture were piously portrayed : T'obit and his dog
figured to great advantage ; Haman swung conspicuously on his gibbet ;
and "Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out of the whale, like Har-
lequin through a barrel of fire.
The parties broke up without noise and without confusion. They were
carried home by their own carriages, that is to say, by the vehicles nature
had provided them, excepting such of the wealthy as could afford to keep
a wagon. The gentlemen gallantly attended their fair ones to their re-
speftive abodes, and took leave of them with a hearty smack at the door,
— which, as it was an established piece of etiquette, done in perfect sim-
plicity and honesty of heart, occasioned no scandal at that time, nor should
it at the present. If our great-grandfathers approved of the custom, it
would argue a great want of deference in their descendants to say a word
against it.
Ch
[ 94]
Chapter iv
CONTAINING further Particulars of the Golden Age,
and what constituted a Fine Lady and Gentleman in the days of Walter
THE Doubter.
IN this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous island of
Manna-hata presented a scene the very counterpart of those
glowing piftures drawn of the golden reign of Saturn, there was,
as I have before observed, a happy ignorance, an honest simpli-
city, prevalent among its inhabitants, which, were I even able to
depidt, would be but little understood by the degenerate age for which I
am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch innovators upon the
tranquillity, the honesty, and gray-beard customs of society, seemed for a
while to conduit themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness.
Their hair untortured by the abominations of art, was scrupulously
pomatumed back, from their foreheads with a candle, and covered with
a little cap of quilted calico, which fitted exadly to their heads. Their
petticoats of linsey-woolsey were striped with a variety of gorgeous
dyes, though I must confess these gallant garments were rather short,
scarce reaching below the knee ; but then they made up in the num-
ber, which generally equalled that of the gentlemen's small-clothes ; and,
what is still more praiseworthy, they were all of their own manufac-
ture — of which circumstance, as may well be supposed, they were not
a little vain.
These were the honest days in which every woman staid at home, read
the Bible, and wore pockets — ay, and that too of a goodly size, fash-
ioned with patchwork into many curious devices, and ostentatiously
worn on the outside. These, in fad:, were convenient receptacles, where
all good housewives carefully stored away such things as they wished
to have at hand, by which means they often came to be incredibly
crammed ; and I remember there was a story current, when I was a
boy, that the lady of Wouter Van 'Twiller once had occasion to empty
her right pocket in search of a wooden ladle, when the contents filled
a couple of corn-baskets, and the utensil was discovered lying among
some rubbish in one corner ; but we must not give too much faith to
all these stories, the anecdotes of those remote periods being very sub-
je6l to exaggeration.
[ 95 ]
A History of [Bk. m
Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissors and pin-cush-
ions suspended from their girdles by red ribands, or, among the more
opulent and showy classes, by brass and even silver chains — indubitable
tokens of thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. I cannot say
much in vindication of the shortness of the petticoats ; it doubtless was
introduced for the purpose of giving the stockings a chance to be seen,
which were generally of blue worsted, with magnificent red clocks, —
or, perhaps, to display a well-turned ankle and a neat though service-
able foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern shoe with a large and splen-
did silver buckle. Thus we find that the gentle sex in all ages have
shown the same disposition to infringe a little upon the laws of deco-
rum in order to betray a lurking beauty or gratify an innocent love
of finery.
From the sketch here given it will be seen that our good grandmothers
differed considerably in their ideas of a fine figure from their scantily
dressed descendants of the present day. A fine lady, in those times,
waddled under more clothes, even on a fair summer's day, than would
have clad the whole bevy of a modern ball-room. Nor were they the
less admired by the gentlemen in consequence thereof On the contrary,
the greatness of a lover's passion seemed to increase in proportion to
the magnitude of its objeft, — and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a
dozen of petticoats, was declared by a Low-Dutch sonneteer of the prov-
ince to be radiant as a sunflower, and luxuriant as a full-blown cab-
bage. Certain it is, that in those days the heart of a lover could not
contain more than one lady at a time ; whereas the heart of a modern
gallant has often room enough to accommodate half a dozen. The reason
of which I conclude to be, that either the hearts of the gentlemen
have grown larger or the persons of the ladies smaller : this, however,
is a question for physiologists to determine.
But there was a secret charm in these petticoats, which, no doubt,
entered into the consideration of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe
of a lady was in those days her only fortune ; and she who had a good
stock of petticoats and stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Katn-
tchatka damsel with a store of bear-skins, or a Lapland belle with a
plenty of reindeer. The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to display
these powerful attractions to the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms
in the house, instead of being adorned with caricatures of Dame Nature,
in water-colors and needle-work, were always hung round with abun-
dance of home-spun garments, the manufacture and the property of the
females — a piece of laudable ostentation that still prevails among the
heiresses of our Dutch villages.
[ 96 ]
Ch. iv] New York ^c.
The gentlemen, in fa(5l, who figured in the circles of the gay world in
these ancient times corresponded in most particulars with the beau-
teous damsels whose smiles they were ambitious to deserve. True it is,
their merits would make but a very inconsiderable impression upon the
heart of a modern fair : they neither drove their curricles nor sported
their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt
of; neither did they distinguish themselves by their brilliancy at the
table and their consequent rencontres with watchmen, for our fore-
fathers were of too pacific a disposition to need those guardians of the
night, every soul throughout the town being sound asleep before nine
o'clock. Neither did they establish their claims to gentility at the ex-
pense of their tailors, for as yet those offenders against the pockets of
society and the tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen were un-
known at New Amsterdam ; every good housewife made the clothes of
her husband and family, and even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller him-
self thought it no disparagement to cut out her husband's linsey-woolsey
galligaskins.
Not but what there were some two or three youngsters who manifested
the first dawning of what is called fire and spirit ; who held all labor
in contempt ; skulked about docks and market-places ; loitered in the
sunshine ; squandered what little money they could procure at hustle-
cap and chuck-farthing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and raced their
neighbors' horses ; in short, who promised to be the wonder, the talk,
and abomination of the town, had not their stylish career been unfor-
tunately cut short by an affair of honor with a whipping-post.
Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman of those days :
his dress, which served for both morning and evening, street and draw-
ing-room, was a linsey-woolsey coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands
of the mistress of his affeftions, and gallantly bedecked with abundance
of large brass buttons; half a score of breeches heightened the propor-
tions of his figure ; his shoes were decorated by enormous copper
buckles ; a low-crowned broad-rimmed hat overshadowed his burly
visage ; and his hair dangled down his back in a prodigious queue of
eel-skin.
Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth, with pipe in mouth, to
besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart, — not such a pipe, good
reader, as that which Acis did sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea, but
one of true Delft manufafture, and furnished with a charge of fragrant
tobacco. With this would he resolutely set himself down before the
fortress, and rarely failed, in the process of time, to smoke the fair enemy
into a surrender, upon honorable terms.
[ 97 ]
A History '^c. [Bk. m
Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller, celebrated in many a
long-forgotten song as the real golden age, the rest being nothing but
counterfeit copper-washed coin. In that delightful period, a sweet and
holy calm reigned over the whole province. The burgomaster smoked
his pipe in peace ; the substantial solace of his domestic cares, after her
daily toils were done, sat soberly at the door, with her arms crossed
over her apron of snowy white, without being insulted with ribald
street- walkers or vagabond boys, — those unlucky urchins who do so
infest our streets, displaying, under the roses of youth, the thorns and
briers of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with ten breeches and
the damsel with petticoats of half a score indulged in all the innocent
endearments of virtuous love without fear and without reproach ; for
what had that virtue to fear which was defended by a shield of good
linsey-woolseys equal at least to the seven bull-hides of the invincible
Ajax ?
Ah, blissful and never-to-be-forgotten age ! when everything was better
than it has ever been since, or ever will be again, — when Buttermilk
Channel was quite dry at low water, — when the shad in the Hudson
were all salmon, — and when the moon shone with a pure and resplen-
dent whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow light which is the
consequence of her sickening at the abominations she every night wit-
nesses in this degenerate city !
Happy would it have been for New Amsterdam could it always have
existed in this state of blissful ignorance and lowly simplicity ; but, alas !
the days of childhood are too sweet to last ! Cities, like men, grow out
of them in time, and are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, the
cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man congratulate himself when
he beholds the child of his bosom or the city of his birth increasing in
magnitude and importance, — let the history of his own life teach him
the dangers of the one, and this excellent little history of Mantia-hata
convince him of the calamities of the other.
Chap.
[ 98 ]
Chapter
OF the Founding of Fort Aurania ; of the Mysteries of the
Hudson ; of the Arrival of the Patroon Killian Van Rensellaer — /z/j-
lordly descent upon the Earth, and his IntroduBion of Club-Law.
IT has already been mentioned that in the early times of Olofe
the Dreamer a frontier-post, or trading-house, called Fort Aurama,
had been established on the upper waters of the Hudson, precisely
on the site of the present venerable city of Albany, which was at
that time considered at the very end of the habitable world. It
was, indeed, a remote possession, with which, for a long time. New
Amsterdam held but little intercourse. Now and then the "Company's
Yacht," as it was called, was sent to the fort with supplies, and to brmg
away the peltries which had been purchased of the Indians. It was like
an expedition to the Indies or the North Pole, and always made great
talk in the settlement. Sometimes an adventurous burgher would ac-
company the expedition, to the great uneasiness of his friends ; but, on
his return, had so many stories to tell of storms and tempests on the
rappan Zee, of hobgoblins in the Highlands and at the Devd's Dans
Kammer, and of all the other wonders and perils with which the river
abounded in those early days, that he deterred the less adventurous in-
habitants from following his example.
Matters were in this state when, one day, as Walter the Doubter and his
burgermeesters were smoking and pondering over the affairs of the
province, they were roused by the report of a cannon. Sallying forth,
they beheld a strange vessel at anchor in the bay. It was unquestionably
of Dutch build, broad-bottomed, and high-pooped, and bore the flag
of their High Mightinesses at the mast-head.
After a while, a boat put off for land, and a stranger stepped on shore,
— a lofty, lordly kind of man, tall, and dry, with a meagre face fur-
nished wi'th huge moustaches. He was clad in Flemish doublet and hose
and an insufferably tall hat with a cocktail feather. Such was the patroon
Killian Van Rensellaer, who had come out from Holland to found a col-
ony or patroonship on a great tra6t of wild land granted to him by
their High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, in the upper regions
of the Hudson. ^r a j c
Killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days' wonder in New Amsterdam, tor
[ 99 ]
L<rc.
A History '^c. [Bk. m
he carried a high head, looked down upon the portly, short-legged bur-
gomasters, and owned no allegiance to the governor himself, boasting
that he held his patroonship directly from the Lords States General.
He tarried but a short time in New Amsterdam, merely to beat up re-
cruits for his colony. Few, however, ventured to enlist for those remote
and savage regions ; and when they embarked, their friends took leave
of them as if they should never see them more, and stood gazing with
tearful eye as the stout, round-sterned little vessel ploughed and splashed
its way up the Hudson, with great noise and little progress, taking nearly
a day to get out of sight of the city.
And now, from time to time, floated down tidings to the Manhattoes of
the growing importance of this new colony. Every account represented
Killian Van Rensellaer as rising in importance and becoming a mighty
patroon in the land. He had received more recruits from Holland. His
patroonship of Rensellaerwick lay immediately below Fort Aurania, and
extended for several miles on each side of the Hudson, besides embracing
the mountainous region of the Helderberg. Over all this he claimed to
hold separate jurisdidtion, independent of the colonial authorities of New
Amsterdam.
All these assumptions of authority were duly reported to Governor
Van Twiller and his council by dispatches from Fort Aurania ; at each
new report the governor and his counsellors looked at each other, raised
their eyebrows, gave an extra puff or two of smoke, and then relapsed
into their usual tranquillity.
At length tidings came that the patroon of Rensellaerwick had extended
his usurpations along the river beyond the limits granted him by their
High Mightinesses, and that he had even seized upon a rocky island
in the Hudson, commonly known by the name of Beam or Bears Island,
where he was erecting a fortress, to be called by the lordly name of
Rensellaerstein.
Wouter Van 'Twiller was roused by this intelligence. After consulting
with his burgomasters, he dispatched a letter to the patroon of Rensel-
laerwick, demanding by what right he had seized upon this island, which
lay beyond the bounds of his patroonship. The answer of Killian Van
Rensellaer was in his own lordly style, '■'■By wapen recht !" — that is to
say, by the right of arms, or, in common parlance, by club-law. This
answer plunged the worthy Wouter in one of the deepest doubts he had
in the whole course of his administration ; in the meantime, while
Wouter doubted, the lordly Killian went on to finish his fortress of Ren-
sellaerstein, about which I foresee I shall have something to record in a
future chapter of this history.
[ loo ]
Chapter vi
IN which the Reader is beguiled into a deleSiable Walk,
ivhlch ends very differently from what it commenced.
IN the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and four, on
a fine afternoon in the glowing month of September, I took my
customary walk upon the Battery, which is at once the pride and
bulwark of this ancient and impregnable city of New York. The
ground on which I trod was hallowed by recolledlions of the
past, and, as I slowly wandered through the long alley of poplars, which,
like'so rnany birch brooms standing on end, diffused a melancholy and
lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast between the sur-
rounding scenery and what it was in the classic days of our forefathers.
Where the government house by name, but the custom-house by oc-
cupation, proudly reared its brick walls and wooden pillars, there whilom
stood the low, but substantial, red-tiled mansion of the renowned Wouter
Van Twiller. Around it the mighty bulwarks of Fort Atnsterdam frowned
defiance to every absent foe, but, like many a whiskered warrior and
gallant militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns alone.
The mud breastworks had long been levelled with the earth and their
site converted into the green lawns and leafy alleys of the Battery, where
the gay apprentice sported his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic,
relieved from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured his weekly tale
of love into the half-averted ear of the sentimental chambermaid. The
capacious bay still presented the same expansive sheet of water, studded
with islands, sprinkled with fishing-boats, and bounded by shores of
piauresque beauty. But the dark forests which once clothed those
shores had been violated by the savage hand of cultivation, and their
tangled mazes and impenetrable thickets had degenerated into teeming
orchards and waving fields of grain. Even Governors Island, once a
smiling garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was now
covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremendous block-house, so that
this once peaceful island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big cocked
hat breathing gunpowder and defiance to the world !
For some time did I indulge in a pensive train of thought, — contrasting,
in sober sadness, the present day with the hallowed years behind the
mountains ; lamenting the melancholy progress of improvement, and
[ loi ]
A History of [Bk. m
praising the zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavored to pre-
serve the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices, and errors from the
overwhelming tide of modern innovation, — when, by degrees, my ideas
took a different turn, and I insensibly awakened to an enjoyment of
the beauties around me.
It was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven particularly be-
stows upon the beauteous island of Mannahata and its vicinity ; not a
floating cloud obscured the azure firmament ; the sun, rolling in glo-
rious splendor through his ethereal course, seemed to expand his honest
Dutch countenance into an unusual expression of benevolence as he
smiled his evening salutation upon a city which he delights to visit
with his most bounteous beams ; the very winds seemed to hold in their
breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the
hour, and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a polished mirror
in which nature beheld herself and smiled. The standard of our city,
reserved, like a choice handkerchief, for days of gala, hung motionless
on the flag-staff, which forms the handle of a gigantic churn ; and even
the tremulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased to vibrate to
the breath of heaven. Everything seemed to acquiesce in the profound
repose of nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders slept in the em-
brazures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering fresh strength to
fight the battles of their country on the next Fourth of July ; the solitary
drum on Governor s Island forgot to call the garrison to their shovels;
the evening gun had not yet sounded its signal for all the regular well-
meaning poultry throughout the country to go to roost, and the fleet
of canoes at anchor between Gibbet Island and Comminnpaw slumbered
on their rakes and suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while un-
molested in the soft mud of their native banks ! My own feelings sym-
pathized with the contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly have
dozed upon one of those fragments of benches which our benevolent
magistrates have provided for the benefit of convalescent loungers, had
not the extraordinary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at de-
fiance.
In the midst of this slumber of the soul my attention was attrafted to
a black speck peering above the western horizon, just in the rear of
Bergen steeple : gradually it augments and overhangs the would-be cities
oi Jersey^ Harsimus, and Hohoken, which, like three jockeys, are starting
on the course of existence and jostling each other at the commencement
of the race. Now it skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia^ spreading
its wide shadows from the high settlements of Weehawk quite to the
lazaretto and quarantine erected by the sagacity of our police for the
[ 102 ]
ch.v.] New York ?2fc.
"embarrassment of commerce ; now it climbs the serene vault of heaven
c oud o "g over cloud, shrouding the orb of day, darkening the vas
expanse and bearing thunder and hail and tempest m its bosom. The
earTse'ems agitated at the confusion of the heavens ; the late waveless
m rorTsTashld into furious waves that roll in hollow murmurs to the
Tare- he oyster-boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity of GMet
Island now hurry affrighted to the land ; the poplar writhes and twists
and whi?tTes in the blast ; torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail
defuse the B....r^ walks ; the gates are thronged by apprentices se-
vant?maids, and little Fre.c/me., with pocket-handkerchiefs over the
ha^s rampenng from the storm ; the late beauteous prosped presents
one scene^of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old C kaos h.d re-
sumed his reign and was hurling back into one vast turmoil the con-
WhXflTdVonrtr fury of the storm, or remained boldly at my
nost as our gallant train-band captains who march their soldiers through
?he ra n wifhout flinching, are points which I leave to the conjedure
of the deader. It is possible he may be a little perplexed also to know
the reason why I introduced this tremendous tempest to disturb the
serenity of my^work. On this latter point I will gratuitously ins rud
hi i.?orance The panorama view of the Battery was given merely to
eat^fy the reader with a corred description of that celebrated place
S the parts adjacent; secondly, the storm was played off, partly to
P^ve a lit^tk bustle and life to Ihis tranquil part ot my work and to
leen my drowsy readers from falling asleep, and partly to serve as an
ov7n2 to the^tempestuous times which are about to assail the pacific
nrov nee of Niar^ Nederlandts, and which overhang the slumbrous ad-
ministration of the renowned Wouter Van ^wtller. It is thus the expe-
n n eTplaywright puts all the fiddles, the French-horns, the kettle-
drums and ^trumpets of his orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of
tl^osThorrlb e and brimstone uproars called M././r.;«.., -and it is thus
he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, pre-
paratory to^he rising of a ghost or the murdering of a hero. We will
now oroceed with our history. ^
WhaCr may be advanced by philosophers to the contrary, I am of
Imon tLt, Is to nations, the old maxim, that "honesty is the bes
policy " is a sheer and ruinous mistake. It might have answered well
^nou.h in the honest times when it was made but in these degenerate
days if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the justice of ^ts dealings
Twil fare somet^hing like the honest man who tell among th-ves and
found his honesty a poor protedion against bad company, buch, at least,
[ i°3 ]
A History ^c. [Bk. m
was the case with the guileless government of the New Netherlands,
which, like a worthy, unsuspicious old burgher, quietly settled itself
down in the city of New Amsterdam, as into a snug elbow-chair, and
fell into a comfortable nap, while, in the mean time, its cunning neigh-
bors stepped in and picked its pockets. In a word, we may ascribe the
commencement of all the woes of this great province and its magnifi-
cent metropolis to the tranquil security, or, to speak more accurately,
to the unfortunate honesty of its government. But as I dislike to begin
an important part of my history towards the end of a chapter, and as my
readers, like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly fatigued with the
long walk we have taken and the tempest we have sustained, I hold
it meet we shut up the book, smoke a pipe, and, having thus refreshed
our spirits, take a fair start in a new chapter.
Ch
[ 104 ]
Chapter vii
FAITHFULLY describing the Ingenious People of Con-
necticut and thereabouts-showing, moreover, the true meaning of Uherty
of Conscience, and a curious device among these sturdy Barbarians to keep up
a Harmony of Intercourse and promote Population.
THAT my readers may the more fully comprehend the ex-
tent of the calamity at this very moment impending over
the honest, unsuspefting province of ISlieww Nederlandts
and its dubious governor, it is necessary that I should give
some account of a horde of strange barbarians bordering
upon the eastern frontier. f„,u;^K
Now so it came to pass, that, many years previous to the time of which
we are treating, the sage cabinet of England had adopted a certain
Ttional creed,^; kind of public walk of faith, or rather a reh^ious
turnpike, in which every loyal subjed was direded to travel to Zion,-
takine care to pay the toll-gatherers by the way.
Albeft a certain shrewd race of men, being very much given to indulge
their own opinions on all manner of subjeds (a propensity exceedingly of-
fensive to your free governments of Europe) , did most presumptuously dare
to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising what they con-
idered a natural and unextinguishable right_the liberty of conscience.
As however, they possessed ?hat ingenious habit of mind which alway
thinks aloud, which rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue and is forever
gaUopingint'o other people's ears, it naturally followed that their liberty
of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech which being freely n-
dulged, soon put the country in a hubbub and aroused the pious indig-
nation of the vigilant fathers of the church.
The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, which in those days
were considered efficacious in bringing back stray ^heep to the fold ;
that is to say, they were coaxed, they were admonished, they were
menaced, they were buffeted, -line upon line, precept upon precept
lash upo'n lash, here a little and there a great deal were exhor ed
without mercy and without success,-unt.l the worthy pastors of the
church, wearied out by their unparalleled stubbornness, were driven, in
the excess of their tender mercy, to adopt^the Scripture text and liter-
ally to " heap live embers on their heads.
^ [ 105 ]
A History of [Bk. m
Nothing, however, could subdue that independence ot the tongue which
has ever distinguished this singular race, so that, rather than subjeft that
heroic member to further tyranny, they one and all embarked tor the
wilderness of America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestimable right of
talking. And, in fa6t, no sooner did they land upon the shore of this
free-spoken country, than they all lifted up their voices, and made such
a clamor of tongues, that we are told they frightened every bird and
beast out of the neighborhood, and struck such mute terror into certain
fish that they have been called dumb-fish ever since.
This may appear marvellous, but it is nevertheless true ; in proof of
which I would observe that the dumb-fish has ever since become an
object of superstitious reverence, and forms the Saturday's dinner of
every true Yankee.
The simple aborigines of the land for a while contemplated these strange
folk in utter astonishment ; but, discovering that they wielded harmless
though noisy weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good-humored race
of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and gave them the name
of Tanokies, which in the Mais-T'chusaeg (or Massachusett) language sig-
nifies silent men, — a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar
epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present day.
True it is, and my fidelity as an historian will not allow me to pass over the
fatt, that, having served a regular apprenticeship in the school of persecu-
tion, these ingenious people soon showed that they had become masters of
the art. The great majority were of one particular mode of thinking in
matters of religion ; but, to their great surprise and indignation, they
found that divers papists, quakers, and anabaptists were springing up
among them, and all claiming to use the liberty of speech. This was at
once pronounced a daring abuse of the liberty of conscience, which they
now insisted was nothing more than the liberty to think as one pleased in
matters of religion — provided one thought right ; for otherwise it would
be giving a latitude to damnable heresies. Now, as they, the majority,
were convinced that they alone thought right, it consequently followed
that whoever thought different from them thought wrong, — and who-
ever thought wrong, and obstinately persisted in not being convinced and
converted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty of conscience,
and a corrupt and infectious member of the body politic, and deserved to
be lopped off and cast into the fire. The consequence of all which was a
fiery persecution of divers sefts, and especially of quakers.
Now, I '11 warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at once to lift up
their hands and eyes with that virtuous indignation with which we con-
template the faults and errors of our neighbors, and to exclaim at the pre-
[ io6 ]
Ch.vii] New York ^c.
posterous idea of convincing the mind by tormenting the body, and estab-
lishing the doctrine of charity and forbearance by intolerant persecution.
But in simple truth, what are we doing at this very day, and in this very
enlightened nation, but afting upon the very same principle in our polit-
ical controversies ? Have we not within but a few years released ourselves
from the shackles of a government which cruelly denied us the privilege
of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude that invaluable member,
the tongue ; and are we not at this very moment striving our best to tyran-
nize over the opinions, tie up the tongues, and ruin the fortunes of one
another ? What are our great political societies but mere political inquisi-
tions, — our pot-house committees but little tribunals of denunciation, —
our newspapers but mere whipping-posts and pillories, where unfortunate
individuals are pelted with rotten eggs, — and our council of appointment
but a grand auto da fe, where culprits are annually sacrificed for their po-
litical heresies ?
Where, then, is the difference in principle between our measures and
those you are so ready to condemn among the people I am treating of?
There is none ; the difference is merely circumstantial. Thus we denounce,
instead of banishing, — we libel, instead of scourging, — we turn out of
ojfice, instead of hanging, — and where they burnt an offender in proper
person, we either tar and feather or burn him in effigy, — this political
persecution being, somehow or other, the grand palladium of our lib-
erties, and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free country I
But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this holy war was
prosecuted against the whole race of unbelievers, we do not find that
the population of this new colony was in any wise hindered thereby ;
on the contrary, they multiplied to a degree which would be incredible
to any man unacquainted with the marvellous fecundity of this growing
country.
This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly ascribed to a singular cus-
tom prevalent among them, commonly known by the name oi bundling,
— a superstitious rite observed by the young people of both sexes, with
which they usually terminated their festivities, and which was kept up
with religious strictness by the more bigoted part of the community.
This ceremony was likewise, in those primitive times, considered as an
indispensable preliminary to matrimony, their courtships commencing
where ours usually finish, — by which means they acquired that inti-
mate acquaintance with each other's good qualities before marriage
which has been pronounced by philosophers the sure basis of a happy
union. Thus early did this cunning and ingenious people display a
shrewdness of making a bargain, which has ever since distinguished
[ 107 ]
A History ^r. [Bk. m
them, — and a strid adherence to the good old vulgar maxim about " buy-
ing a pig in a poke."
To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly attribute the unparal-
leled increase of the Yanokk or Yankee race ; for it is a certain fa6t, well
authenticated by court records and parish registers, that wherever the
practice of bundling prevailed, there was an amazing number of sturdy
brats annually born unto the State, without the license of the law or
the benefit of clergy. Neither did the irregularity of their birth operate in
the least to their disparagement. On the contrary, they grew up a long-
sided, raw-boned, hardy race of whoreson whalers, wood-cutters, fisher-
men, and peddlers, and strapping corn-fed wenches, — who by their united
efforts tended marvellously towards peopling those notable tracts of coun-
try called Nantucket, Piscataway, and Cape Cod.
Ch
[ io8 ]
Chapter viii
HOW these singular Barbarians turned out to be notori-
ous Squatters; How they built Air-Castles and attempted to initiate the Ned-
ERLANDERS into the Mystery of Bundling.
IN the last chapter I have given a faithful and unprejudiced ac-
count of the origin of that singular race of people inhabiting the
country eastward of the Nieuw Nederlandts ; but I have yet to men-
tion certain peculiar habits which rendered them exceedingly an-
noying to our ever-honored Dutch ancestors.
The most prominent of these was a certain rambling propensity with
which like the sons of Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by hea-
ven and which continually goads them on to shift their residence from
place to place, so that a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of migra-
tion tarrying occasionally here and there, clearing lands for other peo-
ple to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, and in a manner
may be considered the wandering ^ra^ of ^wd-r/c-^.
His first thought, on coming to years of manhood, is to settle himself in the
world,— which means nothing more nor less than to begin his rambles.
To this end he takes unto himself for a wife some buxom country heiress,
passing rich in red ribands, glass beads, and mock tortoise-shell combs,
with a white gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and deeply skilled in
the mystery of making apple-sweetmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin-pie
Having thus provided himself, like a peddler with a heavy knapsack,
wherewith to regale his shoulders through the journey of life, he liter-
ally sets out on the peregrination. His whole family, household furni-
ture, and farming utensils are hoisted into a covered cart, his own and
his wife's wardrobe packed up in a firkin,— which done, he shoulde^
his axe, takes staff in hand, whistles " Yankee doodle^ and trudges off
to the woods, as confident of the protedion of Providence, and relying
as cheerfully upon his own resources, as ever did a patriarch of yore
when he journeyed into a strange country of the Gentdes. Having bur-
ied himself in the wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away
a corn-field and potato-patch, and, Providence smiling upon his labors,
is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some half a score of flaxen-
headed urchins, who, by their size, seem to have sprung all at once
out of the earth, like a crop of toadstools.
[ 109 ]
A History of [Bk. m
But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of speculators to rest
contented with any state of sublunary enjoyment : improvement is his
darling passion ; and having thus improved his lands, the next care is
to provide a mansion worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge
palace of pine boards immediately springs up in the midst of the wil-
derness, large enough for a parish church, and furnished with windows
of all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy withal that every blast gives
it a fit of the ague.
By the time the outside of this mighty air-castle is completed, either
the funds or the zeal of our adventurer is exhausted, so that he barely
manages to furnish one room within, where the whole family burrow
together, while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing of pump-
kins or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful fes-
toons of dried apples and peaches. The outside, remaining unpainted,
grows venerably black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under con-
tribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuff into the broken
windows, while the four winds of heaven keep up a whistling and howl-
ing about this aerial palace, and play as many unruly gambols as they
did of yore in the cave of old /Eolus.
The humble log hut, which whilom nestled this improving family snugly
within its narrow but comfortable walls, stands hard by, in ignomin-
ious contrast, degraded into a cowhouse or pigsty ; and the whole
scene reminds one forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has never
been recorded, of an aspiring snail who abandoned his humble habita-
tion, which he had long filled with great respectability, to crawl into the
empty shell of a lobster, — where he would no doubt have resided with
great style and splendor, the envy and the hate of all the painstaking
snails in the neighborhood, had he not perished with cold in one corner
of his stupendous mansion.
Being thus completely settled, and, to use his own words, "to rights,"
one would imagine that he would begin to enjoy the comforts of his
situation, — to read newspapers, talk politics, negleft his own business
and attend to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and patriotic citi-
zen ; but now it is that his wayward disposition begins again to operate.
He soon grows tired of a spot where there is no longer any room for
improvement, — sells his farm, air-castle, petticoat windows and all, re-
loads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself at the head of his family,
and wanders away in search of new lands, — again to fell trees, — again
to clear corn-fields, — again to build a shingle palace, and again to sell
off and wander. Such were the people of ConneBicut who bordered upon
the eastern frontier of New Netherlands, and my readers may easily
[no]
Ch.viii] New York ^c.
imagine what uncomfortable neighbors this light-hearted but restless
tribe must have been to our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I
would ask them if they have ever known one of our regular, well-organ-
ized Dutch families whom it hath pleased heaven to afflid: with the
neighborhood of a French boarding-house ! The honest old burgher
cannot take his afternoon's pipe on the bench before his door, but he
is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women,
and the squalling of children ; he cannot sleep at night for the horrible
melodies of some amateur who chooses to serenade the moon and dis-
play his terrible proficiency in execution on the clarionet, hautboy, or
some other soft-toned instrument ; nor can he leave the street-door
open, but his house is defiled by the unsavory visits of a troop of pup-
dogs, who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the sanc-
tum sanStorum, the parlor !
If my readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of such a family so
situated, they may form some idea how our worthy ancestors were dis-
tressed by their mercurial neighbors of ConneSlkut.
Gangs of these marauders, we are told, penetrated into the New Nether-
land settlements and threw whole villages into consternation by their
unparalleled volubility and their intolerable inquisitiveness, — two evil
habits hitherto unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred ;
for, our ancestors were noted as being men of truly Spartan taciturnity,
and who neither knew nor cared aught about anybody's concerns but
their own. Many enormities were committed on the highways, where
several unoffending burghers were brought to a stand and tortured
with questions and guesses, — which outrages occasioned as much vexa-
tion and heart-burning as does the modern right of search on the high
seas.
Great jealousy did they likewise stir up by their intermeddling and
successes among the divine sex ; for, being a race of brisk, likely, pleas-
ant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced the light affeftions of the sim-
ple damsels from their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous
customs, they attempted to introduce among them that of bundlirig,
which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts^ with that eager passion for
novelty and foreign fashions natural to their sex, seemed very well in-
clined to follow, but that their mothers, being more experienced in the
world and better acquainted with men and things, strenuously discoun-
tenanced all such outlandish innovations.
But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with these strange
folk was an unwarrantable liberty which they occasionally took of enter-
ing in hordes into the territories of the New Netherlands^ and settling
[ I'l ]
A History '^c. [Bk. m
themselves down, without leave or license, to improve the land in the
manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode of taking pos-
session of new land was technically termed squatting^ and hence is derived
the appellation of squatters, — a name odious in the ears of all great land-
holders, and which is given to those enterprising worthies who seize
upon land first and take their chance to make good their title to it
afterwards.
All these grievances, and many others which were constantly accumu-
lating, tended to form that dark and portentous cloud which, as I
observed in a former chapter, was slowly gathering over the tranquil
province of Neiv Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, how-
ever, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with a magna-
nimity that redounds to their immortal credit, becoming by passive
endurance inured to this increasing mass of wrongs, — like that mighty
man of old who, by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was
born, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had grown to be
an ox.
Ch
[ 112 ]
Chapter ix
HOW the fort Goed Hoop was fearfully beleaguered j
Ho%v the Renowned V^ovtek fell into a profound Doubt, and how he finally
evaporated.
BY this time my readers must fully perceive what an arduous
task I have undertaken — exploring a little kind of Hercula-
neum of history, which had lain nearly for ages buried under
the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgotten ; raking up
the limbs and fragments of disjointed fafts, and endeavoring
to put them scrupulously together, so as to restore them to their origi-
nal form and connexion ; now lugging forth the character of an al-
most forgotten hero, like a mutilated statue ; now deciphering a half-
defaced inscription, and now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript,
which, after painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal.
In such case, how much has the reader to depend upon the honor and
probity of his author, lest, like a cunning antiquarian, he either im-
pose upon him some spurious fabrication of his own for a precious
relic of antiquity, or else dress up the dismembered fragment with such
false trappings that it is scarcely possible to distinguish the truth from
the fiftion with which it is enveloped. This is a grievance which I
have more than once had to lament in the course of my wearisome
researches among the works of my fellow-historians, who have strangely
disguised and distorted the fafts resped:ing this country, and particu-
larly respec^ting the great province of New Netherlands, as will be per-
ceived by any who will take the trouble to compare their romantic
effusions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds of fable, with this au-
thentic history.
I have had more vexations of the kind to encounter in those parts of
my history which treat of the transaftions on the eastern border than
in any other, in consequence of the troops of historians who have in-
fested these quarters and have shown the honest people of Nieuw Ned-
erlandts no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trum-
bull arrogantly declares that "the Dutch were always mere intruders."
Now, to this I shall make no other reply than to proceed in the steady
narration of my history, which will contain not only proofs that the
Dutch had clear title and possession in the fair valleys of the ConneSficut,
[ 113 ]
A History of [Bk. m
and that they were wrongfully dispossessed thereof, but likewise that
they have been scandalously maltreated ever since by the misrepresen-
tations of the crafty historians of New England. And in this I shall be
guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality and a regard to immortal
fame; for, I would not wittingly dishonor my work by a single false-
hood, misrepresentation, or prejudice, though it should gain our fore-
fathers the whole country of New England.
I have already noticed in a former chapter of my history that the ter-
ritories of the Nieuw Nederlandts extended on the east quite to the
Varsche or fresh, or ConrwBicutWwtv. Here, at an early period, had been
established a frontier-post on the bank of the river, and called Fort
Goed Hoop, not far from the site of the present fair city of Hartford.
It was placed under the command of Jacobus Van Curlet, or Curlis, as
some historians will have it, — a doughty soldier of that stomachful
class famous for eating all they kill. He was long in the body and
short in the limb, as though a tall man's body had been mounted on a
little man's legs. He made up for this turnspit construction by striding
to such an extent that you would have sworn he had on the seven-
leagued boots of Jack the Giant-killer ; and so high did he tread on pa-
rade that his soldiers were sometimes alarmed lest he should trample
himself under foot.
But notwithstanding the ereftion of this fort and the appointment of
this ugly little man of war as commander, the Yankees continued the
interlopings hinted at in my last chapter, and at length had the au-
dacity to squat themselves down within the very jurisdiction of Fort
Goed Hoop.
The long-bodied Van Curlet protested with great spirit against these
unwarrantable encroachments, couching his protest in Low Dutch, by
way of inspiring more terror, and forthwith dispatched a copy of the
protest to the governor at New Amsterdam, together with a long and
bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This done, he ordered
his men, one and all, to be of good cheer, shut the gate of the fort,
smoked three pipes, went to bed, and awaited the result with a reso-
lute and intrepid tranquillity that greatly animated his adherents and
no doubt struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts of the enemy.
Now, it came to pass that about this time the renowned Wouter Van
T'willer, full of years and honors and council-dinners, had reached that
period of life and faculty which, according to the great Gulliver, enti-
tles a man to admission into the ancient order of Struldbruggs. He em-
ployed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an assemblage of
sages equally enlightened and nearly as venerable as himself, and who,
[ iH ]
Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K
T.
for their silence, their gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averse-
ness to coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be equalled
by certain profound corporations which I have known in my time.
Upon reading the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore,
his excellency fell straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever
he was known to encounter ; his capacious head gradually drooped on
his chest, he closed his eyes, and inclined his ear to one side, as if lis-
tening with great attention to the discussion that was going on in his
belly, — and which all who knew him declared to be the huge court-
house or council-chamber of his thoughts, forming to his head what
the House of Representatives do to the Senate. An inarticulate sound,
very much resembling a snore, occasionally escaped him ; but the na-
ture of this internal cogitation was never known, as he never opened
his lips on the subject to man, woman, or child. In the meantime, the
protest of Van Cur let lay quietly on the table, where it served to light
the pipes of the venerable sages assembled in council ; and in the great
smoke which they raised, the gallant Jacobus^ his protest, and his
mighty Fort Goed Hoop were soon as completely beclouded and for-
gotten as is a question of emergency swallowed up in the speeches and
resolutions of a modern session of Congress.
There are certain emergencies when your profound legislators and sage
deliberative councils are mightily in the way of a nation, and when an
ounce of harebrained decision is worth a pound of sage doubt and cau-
tious discussion. Such, at least, was the case at present ; for, while the
renowned Wouter Van "Twiller was daily battling with his doubts, and
his resolution growing weaker and weaker in the contest, the enemy
pushed farther and farther into his territories and assumed a most for-
midable appearance in the neighborhood of Fort Goed Hoop. Here they
founded the mighty town of Pyquag, or, as it has since been called,
Weathersjield, a place which, if we may credit the assertions of that
worthy historian, Jo/in Josse/yn, Gent., "hath been infamous by reason
of the witches therein." And so daring did these men oi Pyquag become,
that they extended those plantations of onions, for which their town is
illustrious, under the very noses of the garrison of Fort Goed Hoop, inso-
much that the honest Dutchmen could not look toward that quarter
without tears in their eyes.
This crying injustice was regarded with proper indignation by the
gallant Jacobus Van Cur/et. He absolutely trembled with the violence
of his choler and the exacerbations of his valor, which were the more
turbulent in their workings from the length of the body in which they
were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to strengthen his redoubts,
[ 115 ]
A History of [Bk. m
heighten his breastworks, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position with
a double row of abatis ; after which he dispatched a fresh courier with
accounts of his perilous situation.
The courier chosen to bear the dispatches was a fat, oily little man,
as being less liable to be worn out, or to lose leather on the journey ;
and, to insure his speed, he was mounted on the fleetest wagon-horse in
the garrison, remarkable for length of limb, largeness of bone, and hard-
ness of trot, and so tall that the little messenger was obliged to climb
on his back by means of his tail and crupper. Such extraordinary speed
did he make that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in a little less than a
month, though the distance was full two hundred pipes, or about one
hundred and twenty miles.
With an appearance of great hurry and business, and smoking a short
travelling-pipe, he proceeded on a long swing-trot through the muddy
lanes of the metropolis, demolishing whole batches of dirt-pies which
the little Dutch children were making in the road, and for which kind
of pastry the children of this city have ever been famous. On arriving
at the governor's house, he climbed down from his steed, roused the
gray-headed door-keeper, old Skaats (who, like his lineal descendant and
faithful representative, the venerable crier of our court, was nodding
at his post), rattled at the door of the council-chamber, and startled the
members as they were dozing over a plan for establishing a public mar-
ket.
At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep-drawn snore, was
heard from the chair of the governor ; a whiff of smoke was at the
same instant observed to escape from his lips, and a light cloud to as-
cend from the bowl of his pipe. The council, of course, supposed him
engaged in deep sleep for the good of the community, and, according
to custom in all such cases established, every man bawled out silence,
when, of a sudden, the door flew open and the little courier straddled
into the apartment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian boots
which he had got into for the sake of expedition. In his right hand he
held forth the ominous dispatches, and with his left he grasped firmly
the waistband of his galligaskins, which had unfortunately given way
in the exertion of descending from his horse. He stumped resolutely
up to the governor, and with more hurry than perspicuity delivered
his message. But fortunately his ill tidings came too late to ruffle the
tranquillity of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency
had just breathed and smoked his last, — his lungs and his pipe having
been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul having escaped in the
last whiff that curled from his tobacco-pipe. In a word, the renowned
[ ii6 ]
Ch. ix]
New York
'c.
Walter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his contempora-
ries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft governed in his
stead.
[ 117 ]
BOOK IV
Containing
The Chronicles of the Reign of
eaiiUiam tjje Cestp
BOOK
I V
Ch
a
t e r
SHOWING the Nature of History in general y containing
furthermore the universal Acquirements of William the Testy, and how a
Man may learn so much as to render himself Good for Nothing.
WHEN the lofty Thucydides is about to enter upon his de-
scription of the plague that desolated Athens^ one of his
modern commentators assures the reader that the history
is now going to be exceeding solemn, serious, and pathetic,
and hints, with that air of chuckling gratulation with
which a good dame draws forth a choice morsel from a cupboard to regale
a favorite, that this plague will give his history a most agreeable variety.
In like manner did my heart leap within me when I came to the dolorous
dilemma of Fort Goed Hoop, which I at once perceived to be the forerun-
ner of a series of great events and entertaining disasters. Such are the true
subjefts for the historic pen. For, what is history, in fadt, but a kind of
Newgate calendar, a register of the crimes and miseries that man has in-
fliaed on his fellowman ? It is a huge libel on human nature, to which
we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were
building up a monument to the honor rather than the infamy of our spe-
cies. If we turn over the pages of these chronicles that man has written
of himself, what are the characters dignified by the appellation of great,
and held up to the admiration of posterity ? Tyrants, robbers, conquerors,
renowned only for the magnitude of their misdeeds and the stupendous
wrongs and miseries they have inflifted on mankind ; warriors, who have
hired themselves to the trade of blood, not from motives of virtuous pa-
triotism or to proted the injured and defenceless, but merely to gain the
vaunted glory of being adroit and successful in massacring their fellow-
beings ! What are the great events that constitute a glorious era ? The
fall of empires ; the desolation of happy countries ; splendid cities smok-
ing in their ruins ; the proudest works of art tumbled in the dust ; the
shrieks and groans of whole nations ascending unto heaven !
[ 121 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
It is thus the historian may be said to thrive on the miseries of mankind,
like birds of prey which hover over the field of battle to fatten on the
mighty dead. It was observed by a great projector of inland lock-naviga-
tion, that rivers, lakes, and oceans were only formed to feed canals. In like
manner I am tempted to believe that plots, conspiracies, wars, viftories,
and massacres are ordained by Providence only as food for the historian.
It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in studying the won-
derful economy of nature, to trace the mutual dependencies of things,
how they are created reciprocally for each other, and how the most
noxious and apparently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus, those
swarms of flies, which are so often execrated as useless vermin, are
created for the sustenance of spiders ; and spiders, on the other hand,
are evidently made to devour flies. So those heroes, who have been
such scourges to the world, were bounteously provided as themes for
the poet and historian, while the poet and the historian were destined
to record the achievements of heroes !
These and many similar reflections naturally arose in my mind as I
took up my pen to commence the reign of William Kieft; for, now the
stream of our history, which hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current,
is about to depart forever from its peaceful haunts and brawl through
many a turbulent and rugged scene.
As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of a clover-field, dozing and
chewing the cud, will bear repeated blows before it rouses itself, so the
province of Nieiiw Nederlanclts, having waxed fat under the drowsy
reign of the Doubter, needed cufi^s and kicks to rouse it into aftion.
The reader will now witness the manner in which a peaceful commu-
nity advances towards a state of war ; which is apt to be like the ap-
proach of a horse to a drum, with much prancing and little progress,
and too often with the wrong end foremost.
Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended the gubernatorial chair (to
borrow a favorite though clumsy appellation of modern phraseologists),
was of a lofty descent, his father being inspector of windmills in the
ancient town oi Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, when a boy, made
very curious investigations into the nature and operation of these ma-
chines, which was one reason why he afterwards came to be so inge-
nious a governor. His name, according to the most authentic etymolo-
gists, was a corruption of Kyver, that is to say, a wrangler or scolder,
and expressed the charafteristic of his family, which, for nearly two
centuries, had kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and pro-
duced more tartars and brimstones than any ten families in the place ;
and so truly did he inherit this family peculiarity that he had not been
[ 122 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C.
a year in the government of the province before he was universally
denominated William the Testy. His appearance answered to his name.
He was a brisk, wiry, waspish little old gentleman — such a one as may
now and then be seen stumping about our city in a broad-skirted coat
with huge buttons, a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and a
cane as high as his chin. His face was broad, but his features were
sharp ; his cheeks were scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little
gray eyes ; his nose turned up, and the corners of his mouth turned
down, pretty much like the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.
I have heard it observed by a profound adept in human physiology, that
if a woman waxes fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life is some-
what precarious, but if haply she withers as she grows old, she lives for-
ever. Such promised to be the case with William the Testy, who grew tough
in proportion as he dried. He had withered, in fa6f, not through the pro-
cess of years, but through the tropical fervor of his soul, which burnt like
a vehement rushlight in his bosom, inciting him to incessant broils and
bickerings. Ancient traditions speak much of his learning and of the gal-
lant inroads he had made into the dead languages, in which he had made
captive a host oi Greek nouns and Latin verbs, and brought off rich booty
in ancient saws and apothegms, which he was wont to parade in his pub-
lic harangues, as a triumphant general of yore his spolia opima. Of meta-
physics he knew enough to confound all hearers and himself into the
bargain. In logic he knew the whole family of syllogisms and dilemmas,
and was so proud of his skill that he never suffered even a self-evident
fa£f to pass unargued. It was observed, however, that he seldom got into
an argument without getting into a perplexity, and then into a passion
with his adversary for not being convinced gratis.
He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on the frontiers of several of the
sciences, was fond of experimental philosophy, and prided himself upon
inventions of all kinds. His abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or
country-seat, at a short distance from the city, just at what is now called
Dutch street, soon abounded with proofs of his ingenuity : patent smoke-
jacks that required a horse to work them ; Dutch ovens that roasted
meat without fire; carts that went before the horses; weathercocks
that turned against the wind, and other wrong-headed contrivances
that astonished and confounded all beholders. The house, too, was be-
set with paralytic cats and dogs, the subjeds of his experimental phi-
losophy ; and the yelling and yelping of the latter unhappy vidims of
science, while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge, soon gained for the
place the name ol '■'■ Dog s Misery" by which it continues to be known
even at the present day.
[ 123 ]
A History '^c. [Bk. iv
It is in knowledge as in swimming : he who flounders and splashes on
the surface makes more noise and attracts more attention than the pearl-
diver who quietly dives in quest of treasures to the bottom. The vast
acquirements of the new governor were the theme of marvel among
the simple burghers oi New Amsterdam; he figured about the place as
learned a man as a Bonze at Pekin who has mastered one half of the Chi-
nese alphabet, and was unanimously pronounced a "universal genius !"
I have known in my time many a genius of this stamp ; but, to speak
my mind freely, I never knew one who, for the ordinary purposes of
life, was worth his weight in straw. In this respeft, a little sound judg-
ment and plain common sense is worth all the sparkling genius that
ever wrote poetry or invented theories. Let us see how the universal
acquirements oi William the Testy aided him in the affairs of government.
Ch
[ 124 ]
Chapter i i
HOW William the Testy undertook to conquer by procla-
mation; How he was a GREAT MAN abroad, but a littlem^n in his
own House.
NO sooner had this bustling little potentate been blown by
a whifF of fortune into the seat of government than he
called his council together to make them a speech on the
state of affairs.
Caius Gracchus, it is said, when he harangued the Roman
populace, modulated his tone by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe ; Wtl-
helmus Kieft, not having such an instrument at hand, availed himself of
that musical organ or trump which nature has implanted in the midst
of a man's face ; in other words, he preluded his address by a sonorous
blast of the nose,— a preliminary flourish much in vogue among public
orators.
He then commenced by expressing his humble sense of his utter un-
worthiness of the high post to which he had been appointed, — which
made some of the simple burghers wonder why he undertook it, not
knowing that it is a point of etiquette with a public orator never to
enter upon office without declaring himself unworthy to cross the thresh-
old. He then proceeded in a manner highly classic and erudite to speak
of government generally, and of the governments of ancient Greece in
particular, together with the wars of Rome and Carthage and the rise
and fall of sundry outlandish empires which the worthy burghers had
never read nor heard of Having thus, after the manner of your learned
orator, treated of things in general, he came, by a natural, roundabout
transition, to the matter in hand, namely, the daring aggressions of the
Yankees. ru j
As my readers are well aware of the advantage a potentate has ot hand-
ling his enemies as he pleases in his speeches and bulletins where he has
the talk all on his own side, they may rest assured that William the Testy
did not let such an opportunity escape of giving the Yankees what is called
"a taste of his quality." In speaking of their inroads into the territories ot
their High Mightinesses, he compared them to the Gauls who desolated
Rome, the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains of Europe ; but
when he came to speak of the unparalleled audacity with which they ot
[ 125 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
Weathcrsfield had advanced their patches up to the very walls of Fort
Goed Hoop, and threatened to smother the garrison in onions, tears of rage
started into his eyes, as though he nosed the very offence in question.
Having thus wrought up his tale to a climax he assumed a most belli-
gerent look, and assured the council that he had devised an instrument,
potent in its effefts, and which he trusted would soon drive the Yankees
from the land. So saying, he thrust his hand into one of the deep pockets
of his broad-skirted coat and drew forth, not an infernal machine, but
an instrument in writing, which he laid with great emphasis upon the
table.
The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent awe, as a wary housewife
does at a gun, fearful it may go off half-cocked. The document in ques-
tion had a sinister look, it is true ; it was crabbed in text, and from a
broad red riband dangled the great seal of the province, about the size
of a buckwheat pancake. Still, after all, it was but an instrument in writ-
ing. Herein, however, existed the wonder of the invention. The docu-
ment in question was a Proclamation, ordering the Yankees to depart
instantly from the territories of their High Mightinesses, under pain
of suffering all the forfeitures and punishments in such case made and
provided. It was on the moral effeft of this formidable instrument that
Wilhelmiis Kieft calculated, pledging his valor as a governor that, once
fulminated against the Yankees, it would, in less than two months, drive
every mother's son of them across the borders.
The council broke up in perfec^t wonder, and nothing was talked of for
some time among the old men and women of New Amsterdam but the
vast genius of the governor, and his new and cheap mode of fighting by
proclamation.
As to Wilhelmus Kieft, having dispatched his proclamation to the fron-
tiers, he put on his cocked hat and corduroy small-clothes, and, mount-
ing a tall, raw-boned charger, trotted out to his rural retreat of Dogs
Misery. Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of state,
taking lessons in government, not from the nymph Egeria, but from the
honored wife of his bosom, who was one of that class of females sent
upon the earth a little after the flood, as a punishment for the sins of
mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of knoivitig women.
In fa6t, my duty as an historian obliges me to make known a circum-
stance which was a great secret at the time, and consequently was not
a subjeft of scandal at more than half the tea-tables in New Amsterdam,
but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of
years, — and this was, that the great Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of
the most potent little men that ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a
[ 126 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C.
species of government neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato; in short,
it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is famiHarly
denominated petticoat government — an absolute sway which, although
exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare among the
ancients, if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic econ-
omy of honest Socrates, which is the only ancient case on record.
The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and sarcasms of his
particular friends, who are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points
of the kind, by alleging that it was a government of his own election,
to which he submitted through choice, adding at the same time a pro-
found maxim which he had found in an ancient author, that "he who
would aspire to govern, should first learn to obey."
Ch
[ 127 ]
Chapter i i i
IN which are recorded the sage ProjeSis of a Ruler of uni-
versal Genius, — the Art of fighting by Proclamation, — and how that the val-
iant ]aco'8V^ Van Curlet came to be foully dishonored at Fort Goed Hoop.
NEVER was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious, or,
what is still better, a more economical measure devised, than
this of defeating the Yankees by proclamation, — an expedi-
ent, likewise, so gentle and humane, there were ten chances
to one in favor of its succeeding ; but then there was one
chance to ten that it would not succeed ; as the ill-natured fates would
have it, that single chance carried the day ! The proclamation was per-
fect in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well sealed, and well pub-
lished ; all that was wanting to insure its effeft was, that the Yankees should
stand in awe of it ; but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the most
absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose ; and thus did the
first warlike proclamation come to a shameful end — a fate which I am
credibly informed has befallen but too many of its successors.
So far from abandoning the country, those varlets continued their en-
croachments, squatting along the green banks of the Varsche River and
founding Hartford, Stamford, New Haven, and other border-towns. I have
already shown how the onion patches of Py^«<7^ were an eyesoveto facobus
Van Curlet and his garrison ; but now these moss-troopers increased in
their atrocities, kidnapping hogs, impounding horses, and sometimes
grievously ribroasting their owners. Our worthy forefathers could scarcely
stir abroad without danger of being out-jockeyed in horse-flesh or taken
in in bargaining ; while, in their absence, some daring Yankee peddler
would penetrate to their homestead, and nearly ruin the good housewives
with tin-ware and wooden bowls.*
* The following cases in point appear in Hazard's Colleftion of State Papers ;
"In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely usurped and taken in the lands of ConneSlicott,
although unrighteously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered our nation in sowing theire
own purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed them with corne in the night, which the 'Ned-
erlanden had broken up and intended to sowe : and have beaten the servants of the high and mighty
the honored companie, which were laboring upon theire master's lands, from theire lands, with sticks
and plow staves in hostile manner laming, and among the rest, struck Ever Ducking! [Evert Duyckink]
a hole in his head, with a stick, so that the bloode ran downe very strongly downe upon his body."
"Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the honored companie, under pretence that it had
eaten of theire groundc grass, when they had not any foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg
[ 128 ]
Ch. hi] New York ^c.
I am well aware of the perils which environ me in this part of my his-
tory. While raking, with curious hand but pious heart, among the moul-
dering remains of former days, anxious to draw therefrom the honey of
wisdom, I may fare somewhat like that valiant worthy, Samson, who, in
meddling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm of bees about his
ears. Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds of the Tanokie or Yankee
tribe, it is ten chances to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of cer-
tain of their unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise such a
buzzing about this unlucky head of mine that I shall need the tough hide
of an Achilles or an Orlando Furioso to proteft me from their stings.
Should such be the case, I should deeply and sincerely lament, not my
misfortune in giving offence, but the wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-
natured generation in taking offence at anything I say. That their ances-
tors did use my ancestors ill is true, and I am very sorry for it. I would,
with all my heart, the faft were otherwise ; but, as I am recording the
sacred events of history, I 'd not bate one nail's breadth of the honest
truth, though I were sure the whole edition of my work would be bought
up and burnt by the common hangman oi ConneBicut. And, in sooth, now
that these testy gentlemen have drawn me out, I will make bold to go
farther, and observe that this is one of the grand purposes for which we
impartial historians are sent into the world, — to redress wrongs and ren-
der justice on the heads of the guilty ; so that, though a powerful nation
may wrong its neighbors with temporary impunity, yet sooner or later
an historian springs up who wreaks ample chastisement on it in return.
Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, I '11 warrant it, while
they were harassing the inoffensive province of Nieuiv Nederlandts and
driving its unhappy governor to his wit's end, that an historian would ever
arise and give them their own, with interest. Since, then, I am but per-
forming my bounden duty as an historian, in avenging the wrongs of our
revered ancestors, I shall make no further apology ; and, indeed, when it
is considered that I have all these ancient borderers of the east in my
power and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted I
conduct myself with great humanity and moderation.
It was long before William the Testy could be persuaded that his much-
vaunted war-measure was ineffectual ; on the contrary, he flew in a pas-
sion whenever it was doubted, swearing that it was slow in operating,
but when it once began to work it would soon purge the land of these
invaders. When convinced at length of the truth, like a shrewd physi-
cian, he attributed the failure to the quantity, not the quality, of the medi-
for 5/. if the commissioners would have given 5/. for damage ; which the commissioners denied, be-
cause noc man's own hogg (as men used to say) can trespass upon his owne master's grounde."
[ 129 ]
A History ^r. [Bk. iv
cine, and resolved to double the dose. He fulminated, therefore, a second
proclamation, more vehement than the first, forbidding all intercourse
w^ith these Yankee intruders, ordering the Dutch burghers on the fron-
tiers to buy none of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple-sweetmeats,
Weathersjield onions, or wooden bowls, and to furnish them with no sup-
plies of gin, gingerbread, or sourkrout.
Another interval elapsed, during which the last proclamation was as little
regarded as the first, and the non-intercourse was especially set at naught
by the young folk of both sexes, if we may judge by the active bundling
which took place along the borders.
At length, one day the inhabitants of New Amsterdam were aroused by a
furious barking of dogs, great and small, and beheld, to their surprise,
the whole garrison of Fort Goed Hoop straggling into town all tattered
and wayworn, with 'Jacobus Van Curlet at their head, bringing the mel-
ancholy intelligence of the capture of Fort Goed Hoop by the Yankees.
The fate of this important fortress is an impressive warning to all mili-
tary commanders. It was neither carried by storm nor famine, nor was
it undermined nor bombarded, nor set on fire by red-hot shot ; but was
taken by a stratagem no less singular than effeftual, and which can never
fail of success whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in praftice.
It seems that the Yankees had received intelligence that the garrison of
Jacobus Van Curlet had been reduced nearly one-eighth by the death of
two of his most corpulent soldiers, who had overeaten themselves on fat
salmon caught in the Varsche River. A secret expedition was immediately
set on foot to surprise the fortress. The crafty enemy, knowing the habits
of the garrison to sleep soundly after they had eaten their dinners and
smoked their pipes, stole upon them at the noontide of a sultry summer's
day and surprised them in the midst of their slumbers.
In an instant the flag of their High Mightinesses was lowered and the
Yankee standard elevated in its stead, being a dried codfish, by way of a
spread eagle. A strong garrison was appointed, of long-sided, hard-fisted
Yankees, with Weathersjield o\\\on% for cockades and feathers. As to Jacobus
Van Curlet and his men, they were seized by the nape of the neck, con-
ducted to the gate, and one by one dismissed by a kick in the crupper,
as Charles XII. dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians at the battle of
Narva, — Jacobus Van Curlet receiving two kicks in consideration of his
official dignity.
Ch
[ 130 ]
Chapter i
CONTAINING the fearful JFrath 0/ William the Testy,
and the Alarm of New Amsterdam ; Ho%v the Governor did strongly for-
tify the City ; Of the Rise of Anthony the trumpeter, and the windy
Addition to the Armorial Bearings of New Amsterdam.
LANGUAGE cannot express the awful ire of William the Testy on
hearing of the catastrophe at Fort Goed Hoop. For three good
hours his rage was too great for words, or rather the words
_J were too great for him (being a very small man), and he was
nearly choked by the misshapen, nine-cornered Dutch oaths
and epithets which crowded at once into his gullet. At length his words
found vent, and for three days he kept up a constant discharge, anathe-
matizing the Tankees, man, woman, and child, for a set of dieven, schob-
bejacken, deugenieten, twistzoekeren, blaes-kaken, loosen-schalken, kak-
ken-bedden, and a thousand other names of which, unfortunately for
posterity, history does not make mention. Finally, he swore that he
would have nothing more to do with such a squatting, bundling, guess-
ing, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing, shingle-
splitting, cider-watering, horse-jockeying, notion-peddling crew; that
they might stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his
hands by attempting to drive them away ; in proof of which he ordered
the new-raised troops to be marched forthwith into winter quarters,
although it was not as yet quite midsummer. Great despondency now
fell upon the city of New Amsterdam. It was feared that the conquerors
of Fort Goed Hoop., flushed with victory and apple-brandy, might march
on to the capital, take it by storm, and annex the whole province to
ConneSlicut. The name of Yankee became as terrible among the Nieuw
Nederlanders as was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans, insomuch
that the good wives of the Manhattoes used it as a bugbear wherewith
to frighten their unruly children.
Everybody clamored around the governor, imploring him to put the
city in a complete posture of defence, and he listened to their clamors.
Nobody could accuse William the Testy of being idle in time of danger,
or at any other time. He was never idle, but then he was often busy to
very little purpose. When a youngling, he had been impressed with the
words o^ Solomon, "Go to the ant, thou sluggard, observe her ways and
[ 131 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
be wise" ; in conformity to which he had ever been of a restless, ant-like
turn, hurrying hither and thither, nobody knew why or wherefore, busy-
ing himself about small matters with an air of great importance and
anxiety, and toiling at a grain of mustard-seed in the full conviction
that he was moving a mountain. In the present instance, he called in
all his inventive powers to his aid, and was continually pondering over
plans, making diagrams and worrying about with a troop of workmen
and projectors at his heels. At length, after a world of consultation and
contrivance, his plans of defence ended in rearing a great flagstaff in
the centre of the fort, and perching a windmill on each bastion.
These warlike preparations in some measure allayed the public alarm,
especially after an additional means of ensuring the safety of the city had
been suggested by the governor's lady. It has already been hinted in this
most authentic history, that in the domestic establishment of Willimn the
"Testy "the gray mare was the better horse" — in other words, that his
wife " ruled the roast," and, in governing the governor, governed the
province, which might thus be said to be under petticoat government.
Now it came to pass that about this time there lived in the Manhattoes
a jolly, fat trumpeter, named Anthony Van Corlear, famous for his long
wind, and who, as the story goes, could twang so potently upon his in-
strument that the effeft upon all within hearing was like that ascribed
to the Scotch bagpipe when it sings right lustily i' the nose.
This sounder of brass was moreover a lusty bachelor, with a pleasant,
burly visage, a long nose, and huge whiskers. He had his little bowerie,
or retreat, in the country, where he led a roistering life, giving dances
to the wives and daughters of the burghers of the Manhattoes, insomuch
that he became a prodigious favorite with all the women, young and old.
He is said to have been the first to colleft that famous toll levied on
the fair sex at Kissing Bridge, on the highway to Hellgate*
To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the women were turned in this
time of darkness and peril as the very man to second and carry out the
plans of defence of the governor. A kind of petticoat council was forth-
with held at the government house, at which the governor's lady pre-
sided ; and this lady, as has been hinted, being all potent with the gov-
ernor, the result of these councils was the elevation oi Anthony the Trumpeter
to the post of commandant of windmills and champion of New Amster-
dam.
The city being thus fortified and garrisoned, it would have done one's
* The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker still exists ; but it is said that the toll is seldom
collefted nowadays, excepting on sleighing-parties, by the descendants of the patriarchs, who still
preserve the traditions of the city.
[ 132 ]
Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C.
heart good to see the governor snapping his fingers and fidgeting with
delight as the trumpeter strutted up and down the ramparts, twanging
defiance to the whole Yankee race, as does a modern editor to all the
principalities and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. In the hands
of Anthony Van Corlear this windy instrument appeared to him as potent
as the horn of the paladin Astolpho, or even the more classic horn of
AleBo; nay, he had almost the temerity to compare it with the rams'
horns celebrated in Holy Writ, at the very sound of which the walls of
Jericho fell down.
The old wives of the Manhattoes who took tea with the governor's lady
attributed all this affefted moderation to the awe inspired by the military
preparations of the governor and the windy prowess oi Anthony the Trum-
peter. William Kieft himself, seeing the dangers of war at an end, now
turned his ingenious mind to certain projects in legislation and finance,
the prodigious sagacity of which will be manifested in the coming chap-
ters.
There were not wanting illiberal minds who sneered at his windmills
and hinted that the governor thought to defend his city as he governed
it, by mere wind ; but William Kieft was not to be jeered out of his wind-
mills ; he had seen them perched upon the ramparts of his native city of
Saardam, and was persuaded they were connected with the great science
of defence ; nay, so much piqued was he by having them made a matter
of ridicule, that he introduced them into the arms of the city, where they
remain to this day, an emblem and memento of his policy.
I must not omit to mention that certain wise old burghers of the Man-
hattoes, skilful in expounding signs and mysteries, consider this early in-
trusion of the windmill into the escutcheon of our city, which before had
been wholly occupied by the beaver, as portentous of its after fortune,
when the quiet Dutchman was to be elbowed aside by the enterprising
Yankee, and patient industry overtopped by windy speculation.
Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of hostilities from the east gradu-
ally died away. The Yankees made no further invasion ; nay, they declared
they had only taken possession of Fort Goed Hoop as being erefted within
their territories. So far from manifesting hostility, they continued to throng
to New Amsterdam with the most innocent countenances imaginable, fill-
ing the market with their notions, being as ready to trade with the Ned-
erlanders as ever, and not a whit more prone to get to the windward of
them in a bargain.
Chap.
[ 133 ]
Chapter v
OF the yurtsprudence of William the Testy, and his ad-
mirable 'Expedients for the Suppression of Poverty.
jAMONG the wrecks and fragments of exalted wisdom which
/^^ have floated down the stream of time from venerable an-
/ ^ ^ tiquity and been picked up by those humble but indus-
I^ _^k trious wights who ply along the shores of literature, we
find a shrewd ordinance of Charondas^ the Locrian legisla-
tor. Anxious to preserve the judicial code of the state from the addi-
tions and amendments of country members and seekers of popularity,
he ordained that whoever proposed a new law should do it with a halter
about his neck, whereby, in case his proposition were rejected, they
just hung him up — and there the matter ended.
The efFed: was that for more than two hundred years there was but
one trifling alteration in the judicial code, and legal matters were so
clear and simple that the whole race of lawyers starved to death for
want of employment. The Locrians, too, being freed from all incitement
to litigation, lived very lovingly together, and were so happy a people
that they make scarce any figure in history — it being only your litigious,
quarrelsome, rantipole nations who make much noise in the world.
I have been reminded of these historical fafts in coming to treat of the
internal policy of William the Testy. Well would it have been for him
had he in the course of his universal acquirements stumbled upon the
precaution of the good Charondas, or had he looked nearer home at
the proteftorate of Olqffe the Dreamer, when the community was gov-
erned without laws. Such legislation, however, was not suited to the
busy, meddling mind oi William the Testy. On the contrary, he conceived
that the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the multiplicity of laws.
He accordingly had great punishments for great crimes, and little pun-
ishments for little offences. By degrees the whole surface of society was
cut up by ditches and fences and quickset hedges of the law, and even
the sequestered paths of private life so beset by petty rules and ordi-
nances, too numerous to be remembered, that one could scarce walk at
large without the risk of letting off a spring-gun or falling into a man-
trap.
In a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became apparent ; a
[ 134 ]
Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C.
class of men arose to expound and confound them. Petty courts were
instituted to take cognizance of petty offences, pettifoggers began to
abound, and the community was soon set together by the ears.
Let me not be thought as intending anything derogatory to the profes-
sion of the law or to the distinguished members of that illustrious order.
Well am I aware that we have in this ancient city innumerable worthy
gentlemen, the knights-errant of modern days, who go about redressing
wrongs and defending the defenceless, not for the love of filthy lucre, nor
the selfish cravings of renown, but merely for the pleasure of doing good.
Sooner would I throw this trusty pen into the flames and cork up my ink-
bottle forever than infringe even for a nail's breadth upon the dignity of
these truly benevolent champions of the distressed. On the contrary, I
allude merely to those caitiff scouts who, in these latter days of evil, in-
fest the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant Cornish knights of yore
the honorable order of chivalry, — who, under its auspices, commit fla-
grant wrongs, who thrive by quibbles, by quirks and chicanery, and, like
vermin, increase the corruption in which they are engendered.
Nothing so soon awakens the malevolent passions as the facility of grat-
ification. The courts of law would never be so crowded with petty, vex-
atious, and disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifoggers.
These tamper with the passions of the poorer and more ignorant classes,
who, as if poverty were not a sufficient misery in itself, are ever ready
to imbitter it by litigation. These, like quacks in medicine, excite the
malady to profit by the cure, and retard the cure to augment the fees.
As the quack exhausts the constitution, the pettifogger exhausts the
purse ; and as he who has once been under the hands of a quack is for-
ever after prone to dabble in drugs and poison himself with infallible
prescriptions, so the client of the pettifogger is ever after prone to em-
broil himself with his neighbors and impoverish himself with success-
ful lawsuits. My readers will excuse this disgression into which I have
been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not avoid giving a cool and un-
prejudiced account of an abomination too prevalent in this excellent city,
and with the effefts of which I am ruefully acquainted, having been
nearly ruined by a lawsuit which was decided against me, and my ruin
having been completed by another which was decided in my favor.
To return to our theme. There was nothing in the whole range of
moral offences against which the jurisprudence of WilUam the Testy was
more strenuously directed than the crying sin of poverty. He pro-
nounced it the root of all evil, and determined to cut it up, root and
branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had been struck, in the
course of his travels in the, old countries of Europe, with the wisdom
[ 135 ]
A History ^r. [Bk. iv
of those notices posted up in country towns, that "any vagrant found
begging there would be put in the stocks," and he had observed that
no beggars were to be seen in these neighborhoods — having doubtless
thrown off their rags and their poverty and become rich under the
terror of the law. He determined to improve upon this hint. In a little
while a new machine of his own invention was erefted hard by Dog's
Misery. This was nothing more nor less than a gibbet, of a very strange,
uncouth, and unmatchable constru6lion, far more efficacious, as he
boasted, than the stocks, for the punishment of poverty. It was for alti-
tude not a whit inferior to that of Human so renowned in Bible history ;
but the marvel of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being
suspended by the neck, according to venerable custom, was hoisted by
the waistband and kept dangling and sprawling between heaven and earth
for an hour or two at a time, — to the infinite entertainment and edification
of the respectable citizens who usually attend exhibitions of the kind.
(It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at beholding caitiff
vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging by the crupper and cutting
antic gambols in the air. He had a thousand pleasantries and mirthful
conceits to utter upon these occasions. He called them his dandlelions —
his wild-fowl — his high-fliers — his spread-eagles — his goshawks — his
scare-crows — and, finally, \\i^ gallows-birds, which ingenious appellation,
though originally confined to worthies who had taken the air in this
strange manner, has since grown to be a cant name given to all candidates
for legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may credit the as-
sertions of certain grave etymologists, gave the first hint for a kind of
harnessing, or strapping, by which our forefathers braced up their mul-
tifarious breeches, and which has of late years been revived and contin-
ues to be worn at the present day.)
Such was the punishment of all petty delinquents, vagrants and beggars
and others detected in being guilty of poverty in a small way ; as to
those who had offended on a great scale, who had been guilty of fla-
grant misfortunes and enormous backslidings of the purse, and who
stood convicted of large debts which they were unable to pay, William
Kieft had them straightway enclosed within the stone walls of a prison,
there to remain until they should reform and grow rich. This notable
expedient, however, does not appear to have been more efficacious
under William the Testy than in more modern days — it being found that
the longer a poor devil was kept in prison the poorer he grew.
Ch
[ 136 ]
Chapter vi
PROJECTS 0/ William the Testy /or tncreasi?jg the Cur-
rency; He is outwitted by the Yankees; The great Oyster War.
NEXT to his projed:s for the suppression of poverty may be
classed those of William the Testy for increasing the wealth
of New Amsterdam. Solomon, of whose character for wisdom
the little governor was somewhat emulous, had made gold
and silver as plenty as the stones in the streets oi Jerusa-
lem. William Kieft could not pretend to vie with him as to the precious
metals, but he determined, as an equivalent, to flood the streets of New
Amsterdam with Indian money. This was nothing more nor less than
strings of beads wrought of clams, periwinkles, and other shell-fish, and
called seawant or wampum. These had formed a native currency among
the simple savages, who were content to take them of the Dutchmen in
exchange for peltries. In an unlucky moment, William the Testy., seeing
this money of easy production, conceived the projeft of making it the
current coin of the province. It is true it had an intrinsic value among
the Indians, who used it to ornament their robes and moccasins, but
among the honest burghers it had no more intrinsic value than those
rags which form the paper currency of modern days. This considera-
tion, however, had no weight with William Kieft. He began by paying
all the servants of the company and all the debts of government in
strings of wampum. He sent emissaries to sweep the shores of Long
Island, which was the Ophir of this modern Solomon and abounded in
shell-fish. These were transported in loads to New Amsterdam, coined
into Indian money, and launched into circulation.
And now, for a time, affairs went on swimmingly ; money became as
plentiful as in the modern days of paper currency, and, to use the pop-
ular phrase, " a wonderful impulse was given to public prosperity."
Yankee traders poured into the province, buying everything they could
lay their hands on, and paying the worthy Dutchmen their own price —
in Indian money. If the latter, however, attempted to pay the Yankees
in the same coin for their tin-ware and wooden bowls, the case was
altered; nothing would do but Dutch guilders and such like "metallic
currency." What was worse, the Yankees introduced an inferior kind of
wampum made of oyster-shells, with which they deluged the province,
[ 137 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
carrying off in exchange all the silver and gold, the Dutch herrings, and
Dutch cheeses ; thus early did the knowing men of the east manifest
their skill in bargaining the New Anisterdammers out of the oyster and
leaving them the shell.*
It was a long time before William the 'Testy was made sensible how com-
pletely his grand projeft of finance was turned against him by his east-
ern neighbors ; nor would he probably have ever found it out, had not
tidings been brought him that the Yankees had made a descent upon
Long Island and had established a kind of mint at Oyster Bay, where
they were coining up all the oyster-banks.
Now, this was making a vital attack upon the province in a double
sense, financial and gastronomical. Ever since the council-dinner of
Oloffe the Dreamer at the founding of New Amsterdam, at which ban-
quet the oyster figured so conspicuously, this divine shell-fish has been
held in a kind of superstitious reverence at the Manhattoes — as witness
the temples erefted to its cult in every street and lane and alley. In
faft, it is the standard luxury of the place, as is the terrapin at Philadel-
phia, the soft crab at Baltimore, or the canvas-back at Washington.
The seizure of Oyster Bay, therefore, was an outrage not merely on the
pockets, but the larders of the New Anisterdammers ; the whole commu-
nity was aroused, and an oyster crusade was immediately set on foot
against the Tankces. Every stout trencherman hastened to the standard ;
nay, some of the most corpulent burgomasters and schepens joined the
expedition as a corps de reserve, only to be called into aftion when the
sacking commenced.
The condu6l of the expedition was intrusted to a valiant Dutchman who
for size and weight might have matched with Colbrand, the Danish
champion slain by Guy of Warwick. He was famous throughout the
province for strength of arm and skill at quarter-staff, and hence was
named Stoffel Br inker hoff, or rather Br inker hoof d, — that is to say, Stoffel
the head-breaker .
This sturdy commander, who was a man of few words but vigorous
deeds, led his troops resolutely on through Nineveh, and Babylon, and
* From a manuscript record of the province, dated 1659 — Library of the New York Historical Society :
'■'■Seawant alias wampum. Beads manufailured from the Quahiiug, or zvilk, a shell-fish formerly
abounding on our coasts, but lately of more rare occurrence ; of two colors, black and white — the
former twice the value of the latter. Six beads of the white and three of the black for an English
penny. The seawant depreciates from time to time. The New England people make use of it as a
means of barter, not only to carry away the best cargoes which we send thither, but to accumulate
a large quantity of beavers and other furs ; by which the company is defrauded of her revenues and
the merchants disappointed in making returns with that speed with which they might wish to meet
their engagements ; while their commissioners and the inhabitants remain overstocked with seawant
— a sort of currency of no value except with the New Netkerland savages, &c."
[ 138 ]
Ch.vi] New York ^c.
Jerlc/w, and Patch-hog^ and other Long Island towns, without encoun-
tering any difficulty of note ; though it is said that some of the burgo-
masters gave out at Hardscramble Hill and Hungry Hollow, and that
others lost heart and turned back at Pusspanick. With the rest he made
good his march until he arrived in the neighborhood of Oyster Bay.
Here he was encountered by a host of Yankee warriors, headed by Pre-
served Fish, and Habakkuk Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk,
and Determined Cock ! at the sound of whose names Stoffel Brinkerhoff
verily believed the whole parliament of Praise-God Barebones had been
let loose upon him. He soon found, however, that they were merely
the " selectmen " of the settlement, armed with no weapon but the
tongue, and disposed only to meet him on the field of argument. Stoffel
had but one mode of arguing ; that was with the cudgel ; but he used
it with such effisdf that he routed his antagonists, broke up the settle-
ment, and would have driven the inhabitants into the sea if they had
not managed to escape across the Sound to the mainland by the DeviFs
stepping-stones, which remain to this day monuments of this great
Dutch viftory over the Yankees.
Stoffel Brinkerhoff vaz^t great spoil of oysters and clams, coined and un-
coined, and then set out on his return to the Manhattoes. A grand tri-
umph, after the manner of the ancients, was prepared for him by Wil-
liam the T'esty. He entered New Amsterdatn as a conqueror, mounted on
a Narraganset pacer. Five dried codfish on poles, standards taken from
the enemy, were borne before him, and an immense store of oysters and
clams. Weather sjield onions, and Yankee "notions" formed the spolia
opima ; while several coiners of oyster-shells were led captive to grace
the hero's triumph.
The procession was accompanied by a full band of boys and negroes
performing on the popular instruments of rattle-bones and clam-shells,
while Anthony Van Corlear sounded his trumpet from the ramparts.
A great banquet was served up in the stadt-house from the clams and
oysters taken from the enemy, while the governor sent the shells pri-
vately to the mint and had them coined into Indian money, with which
he paid his troops.
It is, moreover, said that the governor, calling to mind the praftice
among the ancients to honor their viftorious general with public statues,
passed a magnanimous decree by which every tavern-keeper was per-
mitted to paint the head of Stoffel Brinkerhojf upon his sign !
C h a
[ 139 ]
Chapter vii
GROWING Discontents o/'New Amsterdam under the Gov-
ernment o/' William the Testy.
IT has been remarked by the observant writer of the Stuyvesant
manuscript, that under the administration of William Kieft the
disposition of the inhabitants of New Amsterdam experienced an
essential change, so that they became very meddlesome and fac-
tious. The unfortunate propensity of the little governor to exper-
iment and innovation, and the frequent exacerbations of his temper,
kept his council in a continual worry ; and the council being to the
people at large what yeast or leaven is to a batch, they threw the whole
community in a ferment ; and the people at large being to the city what
the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions they underwent oper-
ated most disastrously upon New Amsterdam, — insomuch that in certain
of their paroxysms of consternation and perplexity they begat several
of the most crooked, distorted, and abominable streets, lanes, and alleys
with which this metropolis is disfigured.
The fa6l was, that about this time the community, like Balaam's ass,
began to grow more enlightened than its rider, and to show a disposi-
tion for what is called "self-government." This restive propensity was
first evinced in certain popular meetings, in which the burghers of
New Amsterdam met to talk and smoke over the complicated affairs of
the province, gradually obfuscating themselves with politics and tobacco-
smoke. Hither resorted those idlers and squires of low degree who hang
loose on society and are blown about by every wind of doftrine. Cob-
blers abandoned their stalls to give lessons on political economy ; black-
smiths suffered their fires to go out while they stirred up the fires of
faftion ; and even tailors, though said to be the ninth parts of humanity,
neglefted their own measures to criticise the measures of government.
Strange ! that the science of government, which seems to be so gener-
ally understood, should invariably be denied to the only one called upon
to exercise it. Not one of the politicians in question, but, take his word
for it, could have administered affairs ten times better than William the
'Testy.
Under the instrudions of these political oracles the good people of New
Amsterdam soon became exceedingly enlightened, and, as a matter of
[ 140 ]
^v^fJtrtf^iJA '>.jgp8%Jtw;fVMrtJi,V V''T'^i?5*' "^^'"^^'f^^,^^^
■><id
' BLickiinitlu . . . iuffcvcd their oivn fira ti go out, ivhilf th,-y /'/cu' thf bclhivi mul itiriui up the pn of faction.
Ch.vii] New York ^c.
course, exceedingly discontented. They gradually found out the fearful
error in which they had indulged, of thinking themselves the happiest
people in creation, and were convinced that, all circumstances to the
contrary notwithstanding, they were a very unhappy, deluded, and con-
sequently ruined people !
We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after imaginary
causes of lamentation. Like lubberly monks, we belabor our own shoul-
ders and take a vast satisfaftion in the music of our own groans. Nor
is this said by way of paradox ; daily experience shows the truth of
these observations. It is almost impossible to elevate the spirits of a man
groaning under ideal calamities, but nothing is easier than to render
him wretched, though on the pinnacle of felicity, — as it would be an
Herculean task to hoist a man to the top of a steeple, though the merest
child could topple him off thence.
I must not omit to mention that these popular meetings were gener-
ally held at some noted tavern — these public edifices possessing what in
modern times are thought the true fountains of political inspiration. The
ancient Germans deliberated upon a matter when drunk, and reconsidered
it when sober. Mob-politicians in modern times dislike to have two
minds upon a subjeft, so they both deliberate and a6t while drunk, — by
this means a world of delay is spared ; and as it is universally allowed
that a man when drunk sees double, it follows conclusively that he sees
twice as well as his sober neighbors.
Chap
[ HI ]
Chapter viii
OF the Edi8i 0/ William the Testy against Tobacco; Of
the Pipe-Plot, and the Rise of Feuds and Parties.
WILHELMUS KIEFT, as has already been observed,
was a great legislator on a small scale, and had a micro-
scopic eye in public affairs. He had been greatly annoyed
by the faftious meeting of the good people of New
Amsterdam, but, observing that on these occasions the
pipe w^as ever in their mouth, he began to think that the pipe was at
the bottom of the affair, and that there was some mysterious affinity be-
tween politics and tobacco-smoke. Determined to strike at the root of
the evil, he began forthwith to rail at tobacco as a noxious, nauseous
weed, filthy in all its uses ; and as to smoking, he denounced it as a
heavy tax upon the public pocket — a vast consumer of time, a great en-
courager of idleness, and a deadly bane to the prosperity and morals of
the people. Finally he issued an edift prohibiting the smoking of to-
bacco throughout the New Netfier lands. Ill-fated Kieft ! Had he lived in
the present age and attempted to check the unbounded license of the
press, he could not have struck more sorely upon the sensibilities of
the million. The pipe, in fatt, was the great organ of refleftion and de-
liberation of the New Nederlander. It was his constant companion and sol-
ace : was he gay, he smoked ; was he sad, he smoked ; his pipe was never
out of his mouth ; it was a part of his physiognomy ; without it his best
friends would not know him. Take away his pipe \ You might as well
take away his nose !
The immediate effe6l of the edi6l of William the Testy was a popular
commotion. A vast multitude, armed with pipes and tobacco-boxes and
an immense supply of ammunition, sat themselves down before the gov-
ernor's house and fell to smoking with tremendous violence. The testy
William issued forth like a wrathful spider, demanding the reason of
this lawless fumigation. The sturdy rioters replied by lolling back in
their seats and puffing away with redoubled fury, raising such a murky
cloud that the governor was fain to take refuge in the interior of his
castle.
A long negotiation ensued through the medium of Anthony the Trumpeter.
The governor was at first wrathful and unyielding, but was gradually
[ 142 ]
Ch.viii] New York ^c.
smoked into terms. He concluded by permitting the smoking of tobacco,
but he abolished the fair long pipes used in the days of Wouter Van Twiller^
denoting ease, tranquillity, and sobriety of deportment ; these he con-
demned as incompatible with the despatch of business, in place whereof
he substituted little captious short pipes, two inches in length, which,
he observed, could be stuck in one corner of the mouth or twisted in
the hat-band, and would never be in the way. Thus ended this alarming
insurreftion, which was long known by the name of The Pipe-Plot^ and
which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, like most
plots and seditions, in mere smoke.
But mark, O reader ! the deplorable evils which did afterwards result.
The smoke of these villanous little pipes, continually ascending in a
cloud about the nose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum,
dried up all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the people
who used them as vaporish and testy as the governor himself Nay, what
is worse, from being goodly, burly, sleek-conditioned men, they became,
like our Dutch yeomanry who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoke-
dried, leathern-hided race.
Nor was this all. From this fatal schism in tobacco-pipes we may date
the rise of parties in the Nieuw Neder lands. The rich and self-important
burghers who had made their fortunes, and could afford to be lazy, ad-
hered to the ancient fashion, and formed a kind of aristocracy known
as the Long Pipes ; while the lower order, adopting the reform of Wil-
liam Kieft as more convenient in their handicraft employments, were
branded with the plebeian name oi Short Pipes.
A third party sprang up, headed by the descendants oi Robert Chewit, the
companion of the great i/Wj-o;;. These discarded pipes altogether and took
to chewing tobacco ; hence they were called Quids — an appellation since
given to those political mongrels which sometimes spring up between two
great parties, as a mule is produced between a horse and an ass.
And here I would note the great benefit of party distinftions in saving
the people at large the trouble of thinking. Hesiod divides mankind into
three classes : those who think for themselves, those who think as others
think, and those who do not think at all. The second class comprises
the great mass of society, for most people require a set creed and a file-
leader. Hence the origin of party — which means a large body of people,
some few of whom think and all the rest talk. The former take the
lead and discipline the latter, prescribing what they must say, what
they must approve, what they must hoot at, whom they must support,
but, above all, whom they must hate — for no one can be a right good
partisan who is not a thorough-going hater.
[ H3 ]
A History ^c. [Bk. iv
The enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, therefore, being divided
into parties, were enabled to hate each other with great accuracy. And
now the great business of politics went bravely on, the long pipes and
short pipes assembling in separate beer-houses and smoking at each
other with implacable vehemence, to the great support of the state and
profit of the tavern-keepers. Some, indeed, went so far as to bespatter
their adversaries with those odoriferous little words which smell so strong
in the Dutch language, believing, like true politicians, that they served
their party and glorified themselves in proportion as they bewrayed their
neighbors. But, however they might differ among themselves, all parties
agreed in abusing the governor, seeing that he was not a governor of
their choice, but appointed by others to rule over them.
Unhappy William Kieft I exclaims the sage writer of the Stuyvesant man-
uscript, doomed to contend with enemies too knowing to be entrapped,
and to reign over a people too wise to be governed. All his foreign ex-
peditions were baffled and set at naught by the all-pervading Yankees ; all
his home measures were canvassed and condemned by "numerous and
respeftable meetings" of pot-house politicians.
In the multitude of counsellors, we are told, there is safety ; but the mul-
titude of counsellors was a continual source of perplexity to William
Kieft. With a temperament as hot as an old radish, and a mind subject
to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, he never failed to get into a
passion with every one who undertook to advise him. I have observed,
however, that your passionate little men, like small boats with large
sails, are easily upset or blown out of their course ; so was it with William
the Testy ^ who was prone to be carried away by the last piece of advice
blown into his ear. The consequence was, that, though a projector of
the first class, yet by continually changing his projefts he gave none a
fair trial ; and, by endeavoring to do everything, he in sober truth did
nothing.
In the mean time, the sovereign people, having got into the saddles,
showed themselves, as usual, unmerciful riders, spurring on the little
governor with harangues and petitions and thwarting him with memo-
rials and reproaches, in much the same way as holy-day apprentices manage
an unlucky devil of a hack-horse, — so that Wilhelmus Kieft was kept at a
worry or a gallop throughout the whole of his administration.
Chap
[ H4 ]
Chapter i
OF the Folly of Being Happy in Time of Prosperity ; Of
Troubles to the South brought on by Annexation ; Of the secret Expedition
of Jan Jansen Alpendam, and his Magnificent Reward.
IF we could but get a peep at the tally of Dame Fortune^ where,
like a vigilant landlady, she chalks up the debtor and creditor
accounts of thoughtless mortals, we should find that every good
is checked off by an evil, and that, however we may apparently
revel scot-free for a season, the time will come when we must
ruefully pay off the reckoning. Fortune, in faft, is a pestilent shrew, and
withal an inexorable creditor ; and though for a time she may be all
smiles and courtesies and indulge us in long credits, yet sooner or later
she brings up her arrears with a vengeance, and washes out her scores
with our tears. "Since," says good old Boetius, "no man can retain her
at his pleasure, what are her favors but sure prognostications of ap-
proaching trouble and calamity.?"
This is the fundamental maxim of that sage school of philosophers, the
croakers, who esteem it true wisdom to doubt and despond when other
men rejoice, well knowing that happiness is at best but transient, —
that the higher one is elevated on the see-saw balance of fortune, the
lower must be his subsequent depression ; that he who is on the upper-
most round of a ladder has most to suffer from a fall, while he who is
at the bottom runs very little risk of breaking his neck by tumbling to
the top.
Philosophical readers of this stamp have doubtless indulged in dismal fore-
bodings all through the tranquil reign of Walter the Doubter, and con-
sidered it what Dutch seamen call a weather-breeder. They will not be
surprised, therefore, that the foul weather which gathered during his
days should now be rattling from all quarters on the head of William
the Testy.
The origin of some of these troubles may be traced quite back to the
discoveries and annexations of Hans Reinier Oothout, the explorer, and
Wynant Ten Breeches, the land-measurer, made in the twilight days of
Oloffe the Dreamer, by which the territories of the Nieuw Nederlands
were carried far to the south, to Delaware River and parts beyond. The
consequence was many disputes and brawls with the Indians, which
[ H5 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
now and then reached the drowsy ears of Walter the Doubter and his
council, Hke the muttering of distant thunder from behind the moun-
tains, without, however, disturbing their repose. It was not until the time
of WilUamthe "Testy that the thunderbolt reached the Manhattoes. While
the little governor was diligently protefting his eastern boundaries from
the Yankees^ word was brought him of the irruption of a vagrant colony
of Swedes in the south, who had landed on the banks of the Delaware
and displayed the banner of that redoubtable virago Queen Christina,
and taken possession of the country in her name. These had been guided
in their expedition by one Peter Mimiits, or Minnewits, a renegade Dutch-
man formerly in the service of their High Mightinesses, but who now
declared himself governor of all the surrounding country, to which was
given the name of the province of New Sweden.
It is an old saying that "a little pot is soon hot," which was the case
with William the Testy. Being a little man, he was soon in a passion, and
once in a passion he soon boiled over. Summoning his council on the
receipt of this news, he belabored the Swedes in the longest speech that
had been heard in the colony since the wordy warfare of Ten Breeches
and Tough Breeches. Having thus taken off the fire-edge of his valor, he
resorted to his favorite measure of proclamation, and despatched a docu-
ment of the kind, ordering the renegade Minnewits and his gang oi Swed-
ish vagabonds to leave the country immediately, under pain of the ven-
geance of their High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, and of the
potentates of the Manhattoes.
This strong measure was not a whit more effectual than its predecessors
which had been thundered against the Yankees ; and William Kieft was
preparing to follow it up with something still more formidable when he
received intelligence of a new kind of enemy on his southern frontier,
who had taken possession of the banks of the Schuylkill and built a fort
there. They were represented as a gigantic, gunpowder race of men, ex-
ceedingly expert at boxing, biting, gouging, and other branches of the
rough-and-tumble mode of warfare, which they had learned from their
prototypes and cousins-german, the Virginians, to whom they have ever
borne considerable resemblance. Like them, too, they were great roisters,
much given to revel on hoe-cake and bacon, mint-julep and apple-toddy
— whence their newly formed colony had already acquired the name of
Merryland, which, with a slight modification, it retains to the present
day.
In fad:, the Merrylanders and their cousins, the Virginians, were repre-
sented to WilUatn Kieft as offsets from the same original stock as his
bitter enemies the Yanokie or J^ankee tribes of the east, having both
[ h6 ]
Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^C.
come over to this country for the Hberty of conscience, or, in other
words, to live as they pleased — the Taniees taking to praying and money-
making and converting Quakers, and the Southerners to horse-racing
and cock-fighting and breeding negroes.
Against these new invaders Wilhehnus Kieft immediately despatched a
naval armament of two sloops and thirty men, under Jan Jansen A/pen-
dam, who was armed to the very teeth with one of the little governor's
most powerful speeches, written in vigorous Low Dutch.
Admiral Alpendam arrived without accident in the Schuylkill^ and came
upon the enemy just as they were engaged in a great "barbecue," a kind
of festivity or carouse much pradtised in Merryland. Opening upon them
with the speech of WiHiam the Testy, he denounced them as a pack of
lazy, canting, julep-tippling, cock-fighting, horse-racing, slave-trading,
tavern-hunting. Sabbath-breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts, and con-
cluded by ordering them to evacuate the country immediately ; to which
they laconically replied, in plain English, "they 'd see him d — d first !"
Now, this was a reply on which neither Jan jansen Alpendam nor IVil-
helmus Kieft had made any calculation. Finding himself, therefore, to-
tally unprepared to answer so terrible a rebuff with suitable hostility,
the admiral concluded his wisest course would be to return home and
report progress. He accordingly steered his course back to New Amster-
dam, where he arrived safe, having accomplished this hazardous enter-
prise at small expense of treasure and no loss of life. His saving policy
gained him the universal appellation of the Saviour of his Country, and
his services were suitably rewarded by a shingle monument, erefted by
subscription on the top of Flattenbarrack Hill, where it immortalized
his name for three whole years, when it fell to pieces and was burnt
for firewood.
Cha
[ 147 ]
Chapter x
TROUBLOUS Tifties on the Hudson ; How Killian Van
Rensellaer ereSted a Feudal Castle, and how he introduced Club-Law into
the Province.
jA BOUT this time the testy little governor of the New Netherlands
/^k appears to have had his hands full, and with one annoyance
/ ^ and the other to have been kept continually on the bounce.
i^ ^^^ He was on the very point of following up the expedition
of 'Jan yansen Alpendam by some belligerent measures
against the marauders of Merryland, when his attention was suddenly
called away by belligerent troubles springing up in another quarter,
the seeds of which had been sown in the tranquil days of Walter the
Doubter.
The reader will recoiled: the deep doubt into which that most pacific
governor was thrown on Killian Van Rensellaer s taking possession of
Bear's Island by wapen recht. While the governor doubted and did nothing,
the lordly Killian went on to complete his sturdy little castellum of
Rensellaerstein, and to garrison it with a number of his tenants from the
Helderberg, a mountain region famous for the hardest heads and hardest
fists in the province. Nicholas Koorn, a faithful squire of the patroon,
accustomed to strut at his heels, wear his cast-off clothes, and imitate
his lofty bearing, was established in this post as wacht-meester. His
duty it was to keep an eye on the river and oblige every vessel that
passed, unless on the service of their High Mightinesses, to strike its
flag, lower its peak, and pay toll to the lord of Rensellaerstein.
This assumption of sovereign authority within the territories of the
Lords States General., however it might have been tolerated by Walter
the Doubter, had been sharply contested by William the Testy on coming
into office ; and many written remonstrances had been addressed by him
to Killian Van Rensellaer, to which the latter never deigned a reply. Thus,
by degrees, a sore place, or, in Hibernian parlance, a raw, had been es-
tablished in the irritable soul of the little governor, insomuch that he
winced at the very name of Rensellaerstein.
Now, it came to pass that on a fine sunny day the Company's yacht,
the Half-Moon, having been on one of its stated visits to Fort Aurania,
was quietly tiding it down the Hudson. The commander, Govert Locker-
[ h8 ]
Ch. x] N E W Y O R K ^C.
man, a veteran Dutch skipper of few words but great bottom, was seated
on the high poop, quietly smoking his pipe under the shadow of the
proud flag of Orange, when, on arriving abreast of Bears Island, he was
saluted by a stentorian voice from the shore, " Lower thy flag, and be
d — d to thee ! "
Govert Lockerman, without taking his pipe out of his mouth, turned up
his eye from under his broad-brimmed hat to see who hailed him thus
discourteously. There, on the ramparts of the fort, stood Nicholas Koorn,
armed to the teeth, flourishing a brass-hilted sword, while a steeple-
crowned hat and cock's tail-feather, formerly worn by Killian Van Ren-
sellaer himself, gave an inexpressible loftiness to his demeanor.
Govert Lockerman eyed the warrior from top to toe, but was not to be
dismayed. Taking the pipe slowly out of his mouth, "To whom should
I lower my flag ? " demanded he. "To the high and mighty Killian Van
Rensellaer, the lord of Rensellaerstein ! "
" I lower it to none but the Prince of Orange and my masters, the Lords
States Generair So saying, he resumed his pipe and smoked with an air
of dogged determination.
Bang ! went a gun from the fortress ; the ball cut both sail and rigging.
Govert Lockerman said nothing, but smoked the more doggedly.
Bang ! went another gun, the shot whistling close astern.
"Fire, and be d — d," cried Govert Lockerman, cramming a new charge
of tobacco into his pipe and smoking with still increasing vehemence.
Bang ! went a third gun. The shot passed over his head, tearing a hole
in the "princely flag of Orange"
This was the hardest trial of all for the pride and patience of Govert
Lockerman. He maintained a stubborn though swelling silence, but his
smothered rage might be perceived by the short vehement puffs of smoke
emitted from his pipe, by which he might be tracked for miles, as he
slowly floated out of shot and out of sight of Bears Island. In faft, he
never gave vent to his passion until he got fairly among the highlands
of the Hudson, when he let fly whole volleys oi Dutch oaths, which are
said to linger to this very day among the echoes of the Dunderberg,
and to give particular efFedt to the thunder-storms in that neighbor-
hood.
It was the sudden apparition of Govert Lockerman at Dogs Misery, bear-
ing in his hand the tattered flag of Orange, that arrested the attention
of William the Testy, just as he was devising a new expedition against
the marauders of Merry land. I will not pretend to describe the passion
of the little man when he heard of the outrage of Rensellaerstein. Suf-
fice it to say, in the first transports of his fury he turned Dog's Misery
[ 149 ]
A History '^c. [Bk. iv
topsy-turvy, kicked every cur out-of-doors, and threw the cats out of
the window ; after which, his spleen being in some measure reheved, he
went into a council of war with Govert Lockerman, the skipper, assisted
by Anthony Van Corkar, the Trumpeter.
Ch
[ 150 ]
Ch
a p t e r x i
OF the Diplomatic Mission 0/ Anthony the Trumpeter to
the Fortress of Rensellaerstein, and how he was puzzled by a Caba-
listic Reply.
THE eyes of all New Amsterdam were now turned to see what
would be the end of this direful feud between William the
Testy and the patroon of Rensellaerwick ; and some, observ-
ing the consultations of the governor with the skipper and
the trumpeter, predicted warlike measures by sea and land.
The wrath of William Kieft, however, though quick to rise, was quick
to evaporate. He was a perfect brush-heap in a blaze, snapping and
crackling for a time and then ending in smoke. Like many other val-
iant potentates, his first thoughts were all for war, his sober second
thoughts for diplomacy.
Accordingly, Govert Lockerman was once more despatched up the river
in the Company's yacht, the Goed Hoop, bearing Anthony the Trumpeter as
ambassador, to treat with the belligerent powers of Rensellaerstein. In
the fulness of time the yacht arrived before Bears Island, and Anthony
the Trumpeter, mounting the poop, sounded a parley to the fortress. In
a little while the steeple-crowned hat of Nicholas Koorn, the wacht-
meester, rose above the battlements, followed by his iron visage, and
ultimately his whole person, armed, as before, to the very teeth ; while,
one by one, a whole row of Helderbergers reared their round burly heads
above the wall, and beside each pumpkin-head peered the end of a rusty
musket. Nothing daunted by this formidable array, Anthotiy Van Corlear
drew forth and read with audible voice a missive from William the Testy,
protesting against the usurpation of Bears Island, and ordering the gar-
rison to quit the premises, bag and baggage, on pain of the vengeance
of the potentate of the Manhattoes.
In reply, the wacht-meester applied the thumb of his right hand to the
end of his nose and the thumb of his left hand to the little finger of
the right, and, spreading each hand like a fan, made an aerial flourish
with his fingers. Anthony Van Corlear was sorely perplexed to understand
this sign, which seemed to him something mysterious and masonic. Not
liking to betray his ignorance, he again read with a loud voice the mis-
sive of William the Testy, and again Nicholas Koorn applied the thumb
[ 151 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
of his right hand to the end of his nose and the thumb of his left hand
to the httle finger of the right, and repeated this kind of nasal weather-
cock. Anthony Van Corlear now persuaded himself that this was some
shorthand sign or symbol, current in diplomacy, which, though un-
intelligible to a new diplomat like himself, would speak volumes to the
experienced intellect of William the T'esty ; considering his embassy there-
fore at an end, he sounded his trumpet with great complacency, and set
sail on his return down the river, every now and then practising this
mysterious sign of the wacht-meester, to keep it accurately in mind.
Arrived at New Amsterdam, he made a faithful report of his embassy to
the governor, accompanied by a manual exhibition of the response of
Nicholas Koorn. The governor was equally perplexed with his ambassador.
He was deeply versed in the mysteries of freemasonry, but they threw
no light on the matter. He knew every variety of windmill and weather-
cock, but was not a whit the wiser as to the aerial sign in question. He
had even dabbled in Egyptian hieroglyphics and the mystic symbols of
the obelisks, but none furnished a key to the reply of Nicholas Koorn.
He called a meeting of his council. Anthony Van Corlear stood forth in
the midst, and, putting the thumb of his right hand to his nose and the
thumb of his left hand to the finger of the right, he gave a faithful fac-
simile of the portentous sign. Having a nose of unusual dimensions, it
was as if the reply had been put in capitals, but all in vain ; the worthy
burgomasters were equally perplexed with the governor. Each one put
his thumb to the end of his nose, spread his fingers like a fan, imitated
the motion of Anthony Van Corlear, and then smoked in dubious silence.
Several times was Anthony obliged to stand forth like a fugleman and
repeat the sign, and each time a circle of nasal weathercocks might be
seen in the council-chamber.
Perplexed in the extreme, William the 'Testy sent for all the soothsayers
and fortune-tellers and wise men of the Manhattoes, but none could in-
terpret the mysterious reply of Nicholas Koorn. The council broke up in
sore perplexity. The matter got abroad, and Anthony Van Corlear was
stopped at every corner to repeat the signal to a knot of anxious news-
mongers, each of whom departed with his thumb to his nose and his
fingers in the air, to carry the story home to his family. For several days
all business was neglefted in New Amsterdam ; nothing was talked of
but the diplomatic mission of Anthony the Trumpeter ; nothing was to
be seen but knots of politicians with their thumbs to their noses. In the
mean time the fierce feud between William the Testy and Killian Van
Rensellaer, which at first had menaced deadly warfare, gradually cooled
off, like many other war-questions, in the prolonged delays of diplomacy.
[ 152 ]
Ch.xi] N E W Y O R K C^f.
Still to this early affair of Kensellaerstein may be traced the remote ori-
gin of those windy wars in modern days which rage in the bowels of
the Helderberg and have well-nigh shaken the great patroonship of the
Van Rensellaers to its foundation ; for we are told that the bully boys
of the Helderberg, who served under Nicholas Koorn the wacht-meester,
carried back to their mountains the hieroglyphic sign which had so
sorely puzzled Anthony Van Corlear and the sages of the Manhattoes,
so that to the present day the thumb to the nose and the fingers in the
air is apt to be the reply of the Helderbergers whenever called upon for
any long arrears of rent.
Ch
[ 153 ]
Chapter xii
CONTAINING the Rise of the great Afnphi&yonic Council
of the Pilgrims, wit/i t/ie Decline and fnal ExtinSiion of William the
Testy.
IT was asserted by the wise men of ancient times, who had a nearer
opportunity of ascertaining the faft, that at the gate of Jupiter s
palace lay two huge tuns — one filled with blessings, the other with
misfortunes ; and it would verily seem as if the latter had been
completely overturned and left to deluge the unlucky province
of Nieuiv Nederlands, for about this time, while harassed and annoyed
from the south and the north, incessant forays were made by the bor-
der-chivalry of ConneElicut upon the pigsties and hen-roosts of the Ned-
erlanders. Every day or two some broad-bottomed express-rider, covered
with mud and mire, would come floundering into the gate of New Am-
sterdam, freighted with some new tale of aggression from the frontier ;
whereupon Anthony Van Corlear, seizing his trumpet, the only substi-
tute for a newspaper in those primitive days, would sound the tidings
from the ramparts with such doleful notes and disastrous cadence as to
throw half the old women in the city into hysterics — all which tended
greatly to increase his popularity, there being nothing for which the
public are more grateful than being frequently treated to a panic, a
secret well known to the modern editors.
But, O ye powers ! into what a paroxysm of passion did each new outrage
of the Yankees throw the choleric little governor ! Letter after letter, pro-
test after protest, bad Latin, worse English, and hideous Low Dutch were
incessantly fulminated upon them, and the four-and-twenty letters of the
alphabet, which formed his standing army, were worn out by constant
campaigning. All, however, was ineffeftual ; even the recent victory at
Oyster Bay, which had shed such a gleam of sunshine between the clouds
of his foul-weather reign, was soon followed by a more fearful gathering
up of those clouds and indications of more portentous tempest ; for the
Yankee tribe on the banks of the ConneBicut, finding on this memorable
occasion their incompetency to cope, in fair fight, with the sturdy chiv-
alry of the Manhattoes, had called to their aid all the ten tribes of their bre-
thren who inhabit the east country, which from them has derived the
name of Yankee-land. This call was promptly responded to. The conse-
[154]
Ch.xii] New York ^c.
quence was a great confederacy of the tribes oi Massachusetts, ConneElicut,
New Plymouth, and New Haven, under the title of the " United Colonies of
New England,'' the pretended objeft of which was mutual defence against
the savages, but the real objedl the subjugation of the Nieuw Nederlands.
For, to let the reader into one of the great secrets of history, the Nieuisj
Nederlands had long been regarded by the whole Yankee race as the mod-
ern land of promise, and themselves as the chosen and peculiar people
destined, one day or other, by hook or by crook, to get possession of it.
In truth, they are a wonderful and all-prevalent people, of that class who
only require an inch to gain an ell or a halter to gain a horse. From the
time they first gained a foothold on Plymouth Rock, they began to mi-
grate, progressing and progressing from place to place and land to land,
making a little here and a little there, and controverting the old proverb
that a rolling stone gathers no moss. Hence they have facetiously received
the nickname of The Pilgrims — that is to say, a people who are always
seeking a better country than their own.
The tidings of this great Yankee league struck William KieftW\\.\\ dismay,
and for once in his life he forgot to bounce on receiving a disagreeable
piece of intelligence. In taft, on turning over in his mind all that he had
read at the Hague about leagues and combinations, he found that this was
a counterpart of the AmphiByonic league by which the states of Greece
attained such power and supremacy, and the very idea made his heart
quake for the safety of his empire at the Manhattoes.
The affairs of the confederacy were managed by an annual council of
delegates held at Boston, which Kieft denominated the Delphos of this
truly classic league. The very first meeting gave evidence of hostility to
the Nieuw Nederlanders, who were charged, in their dealings with the
Indians, with carrying on a traffic in "guns, powther, and shott — a trade
damnable and injurious to the colonists." It is true, the ConneSlicut traders
were fain to dabble a little in this " damnable traffic," but then they always
dealt in what were termed Yankee guns, ingeniously calculated to burst
at the first discharge and to do no mischief but to the pagan hands which
used them.
The rise of this potent confederacy was a death-blow to the glory of
William the Testy, for trom that day forward he never held up his head,
but appeared quite crestfallen. It is true, as the grand council augmented
in power, and the league, rolling onward, gathered about the red hills of
New Haven, threatening to overwhelm the Nieuw Nederlarids, he contin-
ued occasionally to fulminate proclamations and protests, as a shrewd sea-
captain fires his guns into a water-spout ; but, alas ! they had no more
effeft than so many blank cartridges.
[ 155 ]
A History of [Bk. iv
Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reign of William the 'Testy ^
for henceforth, in the troubles, perplexities, and confusion of the times,
he seems to have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped forever
through the fingers of scrupulous history. It is a matter of deep concern
that such obscurity should hang over his latter days, for he was in truth
a mighty and great-little man, and worthy of being utterly renowned,
seeing that he was the first potentate that introduced into this land the
art of fighting by proclamation and defending a country by trumpeters
and windmills.
It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of whom there were
great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, taking advantage of his myste-
rious exit, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translated to the skies,
and forms a very fiery little star somewhere on the left claw of the Crab ;
while others, equally fanciful, declare that he had experienced a fate
similar to that of the good King Arthur, who, we are assured by ancient
bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy-land, where he
still exists in pristine worth and vigor, and will, one day or another, re-
turn to restore the gallantry, the honor, and the immaculate probity
which prevailed in the glorious days of the Round Table.*
All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb visions of those
dreaming varlets, the poets, to which I would not have my judicious
reader attach any credibility. Neither am I disposed to credit an ancient
and rather apocryphal historian who asserts that the ingenious Wilhelmus
was annihilated by the blowing down of one of his windmills ; nor a
writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a vi<5tim to an experiment
in natural history, having the misfortune to break his neck from a gar-
ret-window of the stadthouse in attempting to catch swallows by sprin-
kling salt upon their tails. Still less do I put my faith in the tradition that
he perished at sea in conveying home to Holland a treasure of golden ore
discovered somewhere among the haunted regions of the Catskill yioxya-
tains.-f-
* The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur was not dead, but carried awaie by the fairies
into some pleasant place, where he shold remaine for a time, and then returne againe and reigne in
as great authority as ever. — Hollinshed.
The Britons suppose that he shall come yet and conquere all Britaigne, for certes, this is the pro-
phicye of Merlyn — He say'd that his deth shall be doubteous ; and said soth, for men thereof yet
have doubte and shullen for ever more — for men wyt not whether that he lyveth or is dede. —
De Leew, Chron.
t Diedrich Knickerbocker, in his scrupulous search after truth, is sometimes too fastidious in regard
to fafts which border a little on the marvellous. The story of the golden ore rests on something
better than mere tradition. The venerable Adrian Van der Donck, Doftor of Laws, in his descrip-
tion of the New Netherlands, asserts it from his own observation as an eye-witness. He was present,
he says, in 1645, at a treaty between Governor Kieft and the Mohawk Indians, in which one of the
latter, in painting himself for the ceremony, used a pigment the weight and shining appearance
[ 156 ]
Ch.xii] New York ^c.
The most probable account declares that, what with the constant trou-
bles on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and projects going on in
his own pericranium, the memorials, petitions, remonstrances, and sage
pieces of advice of respectable meetings of the sovereign people, and
the refractory disposition of his privy councillors, who were sure to differ
from him on every point, and uniformly to be in the wrong, his mind
was kept in a furnace-heat until he became as completely burnt out as a
Dutch family-pipe which has passed through three generations of hard
smokers. In this manner did he undergo a kind of animal combustion,
consuming away like a farthing rushlight, so that when grim death
finally snuffed him out there was scarce left enough of him to bury !
of which excited the curiosity of the governor and Mynheer Van der Donck. They obtained a lump
and gave it to be proved by a skilful doftor of medicine, 'Jokannes de la Montagne, one of the coun-
cillors of the New Netherlands. It was put into a crucible and yielded two pieces of gold, worth
about three guilders. All this, continues Adrian Van der Donck, was kept secret. As soon as peace
was made with the Mohawks, an officer and a few men were sent to the mountain (in the region
of the Kaatskill), under the guidance of an Indian, to search for the precious mineral. They brought
back a bucketful of ore, which, being submitted to the crucible, proved as produftive as the first.
William Kieft now thought the discovery certain. He sent a confidential person, Arent Corsen, with
a bagful of the mineral, to New Haven, to take passage in an English ship for England, thence to
proceed to Holland. The vessel sailed at Christmas, but never reached her port. All on board per-
ished.
In the year 164.7, Wilhelmus Kieft himself embarked on board the Princess, taking with him speci-
mens of the supposed mineral. The ship was never heard of more !
Some have supposed that the mineral in question was not gold, but pyrites ; but we have the asser-
tion of Adrian Van der Donck, an eye-witness, and the experiment of Johannes de la Montagne, a
learned doftor of medicine, on the golden side of the question. Cornelius Van Tienhooven, also, at
that time secretary of the New Netherlands, declared in Holland that he had tested several speci-
mens of the mineral, which proved satisfaftor)-. (See Van der Donck's "Description of the New
Netherlands." Colleft. New York Hist. Society, Vol. I., p. 161.)
It would appear, however, that these golden treasures of the Kaatskill always brought ill-luck, as
is evidenced in the fate of Arent Corsen and Wilhelmus Kieft and the wreck of the ships in which
they attempted to convey the treasure across the ocean. The golden mines have never since been
explored, but remain among the mysteries of the Kaatskill Mountains and under the proteftion of
the goblins which haunt them.
[ ^S7 ]
BOOK V
Containing
The First Part of the Reign of
l&eter ^tuptjesant
And His Troubles with the
AmphiSlyonic Council
BOOK V
c h
a D t e r i
IN which the death of a Great Man is shown to be no very
inconsolable matter of Sorrow, and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great
Name from the uncommon Strength of his Head.
TO a profound philosopher like myself, who am apt to see
clear through a subjeft, where the penetration of ordinary
people extends but half-way, there is no faft more simple
and manifest than that the death of a great man is a matter
of very little importance. Much as we may think of our-
selves, and much as we may excite the empty plaudits of the million,
it is certain that the greatest among us do a6tually fill but an exceeding
small place in the world, and it is equally certain that even that small
space is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. " Of what consequence
is it," said Pliny, " that individuals appear or make their exit ? The world
is a theatre whose scenes and a6tors are continually changing." Never
did philosopher speak more correctly ; and I only wonder that so wise
a remark could have existed so many ages and mankind not have laid
it more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of sage; one hero just
steps out of his triumphal car to make way for the hero who comes
after him ; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said that " he slept
with his fathers and his successor reigned in his stead."
The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for their loss, and
if left to itself would soon forget to grieve ; and though a nation has
often been figuratively drowned in tears on the death of a great man,
yet it is ten to one if an individual tear has been shed on the occasion,
excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry author. It is the his-
torian, the biographer, and the poet who have the whole burden of
grief to sustain, — who, kind souls! like undertakers in England, aft
the part of chief mourners, — who inflate a nation with sighs it never
heaved, and deluge it with tears it never dreamt of shedding. Thus,
while the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in prose, in blank
[ i6i ]
A History of [Bk. v
verse, and in rhyme, and collec^ting the drops of public sorrow into his
volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his fellow^-
citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly igno-
rant of the bitter lamentations made in their name as are those men of
straw, 'John Doe and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for whom they are
generously pleased to become sureties.
The most glorious hero that ever desolated nations might have moul-
dered into oblivion among the rubbish of his own monument, did not
some historian take him into favor and benevolently transmit his name
to posterity ; and, much as the valiant William Kieft worried and bustled
and turmoiled while he had the destinies of a whole colony in his hand,
I question seriously whether he will not be obliged to this authentic
history for all his future celebrity.
His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New Amsterdatti nor
its vicinity : the earth trembled not, neither did any stars shoot from
their spheres ; the heavens were not shrouded in black, as poets would
fain persuade us they have been on the death of a hero ; the rocks (hard-
hearted varlets !) melted not into tears, nor did the trees hang their
heads in silent sorrow ; and as to the sun, he lay abed the next night
just as long, and showed as jolly a face when he rose as he ever did on
the same day of the month in any year, either before or since. The
good people of New Atnsterdam, one and all, declared that he had been
a very busy, aftive, bustling little governor; that he was "the father
of his country"; that he was "the noblest work of God"; that "he
was a man, take him for all in all, they ne'er should look upon his like
again" ; together with sundry other civil and affectionate speeches reg-
ularly said on the death of all great men : after which they smoked
their pipes, thought no more about him, and Peter Stuyvesant succeeded
to his station.
Refer Stuyvesant was the last, and, like the renowned Wouter Van Twiller,
the best of our ancient Dutch governors, — Wouter having surpassed all
who preceded him, and Peter ^ or Piet, as he was sociably called by the
old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize names, having
never been equalled by any successor. He was, in fa6l, the very man fitted
by nature to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had
not the Fates, those most potent and unrelenting of all ancient spinsters,
destined them to inextricable confusion.
To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him great injustice ;
he was, in truth, a combination of heroes, for he was of a sturdy, raw-
boned make, like Ajax T'elamon, with a pair of round shoulders that
Hercules would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide) when
[ 162 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^C.
he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, moreover, as Plu-
tarch describes Coriolanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but
likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ;
and, like the selfsame warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for
the sovereign people, and an iron aspedt which was enough of itself to
make the very bowels of his adversaries quake with terror and dismay.
All this martial excellency of appearance was inexpressibly heightened
by an accidental advantage, with which I am surprised that Homer and
Virgil have not graced any of their heroes. This was nothing less than a
wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gained in bravely fighting
the battles of his country, but of which he was so proud that he was
often heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs put to-
gether ; indeed, so highly did he esteem it, that he had it gallantly en-
chased and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to be related in
divers histories and legends that he wore a silver leg.*
Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat subje6l to extem-
pore bursts of passion, which were rather unpleasant to his favorites and
attendants, whose perceptions he was apt to quicken, after the manner
of his illustrious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their shoulders
with his walking-staff.
Though I cannot find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hobbes, or
Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or T'om Paine, yet did he sometimes manifest
a shrewdness and sagacity in his measures that one would hardly expert
from a man who did not know Greek and had never studied the ancients.
True it is, and I confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreasonable
aversion to experiments, and was fond of governing his province after
the simplest manner ; but then he contrived to keep it in better order
than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all the philosophers, ancient
and modern, to assist and perplex him. I must likewise own that he made
but very few laws ; but then, again, he took care that those few were
rigidly and impartially enforced ; and I do not know but justice, on the
whole, was as well administered as if there had been volumes of sage
a6ts and statutes yearly made and daily neglefted and forgotten.
He was, in fadi, the very reverse of his predecessors, being neither tran-
quil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgeting, like
William the Testy, — but a man, or rather a governor, of such uncommon
a6tivity and decision of mind, that he never sought nor accepted the
advice of others, depending bravely upon his single head, as would a
hero of yore upon his single arm, to carry him through all difficulties
* See the histories of Masters 'Jossetyii and Btome.
[ 163 ]
A History of [Bk. v
and dangers. To tell the simple truth, he wanted nothing more to com-
plete him as a statesman than to think always right ; for no one can deny
that he always afted as he thought. He was never a man to flinch when
he found himself in a scrape, but to dash forward through thick and thin,
trusting, by hook or by crook, to make all things straight in the end. In a
word, he possessed in an eminent degree that great quality in a statesman
called perseverance by the polite, but nicknamed obstinacy by the vulgar,
— a wonderful salve for official blunders, since he who perseveres in error
without flinching gets the credit of boldness and consistency, while he
who wavers in seeking to do what is right gets stigmatized as a trimmer.
This much is certain, — and it is a maxim well worthy the attention of all
legislators, great and small, who stand shaking in the wind, irresolute
which way to steer, — that a ruler who follows his own will pleases him-
self, while he who seeks to satisfy the wishes and whims of others runs
great risk of pleasing nobody. There is nothing, too, like putting down
one's foot resolutely when in doubt, and letting things take their course.
The clock that stands still points right twice in the four-and-twenty
hours, while others may keep going continually and be continually go-
ing wrong.
Nor did this magnanimous quality escape the discernment of the good
people of Nieuw Nederlands ; on the contrary, so much were they struck
with the independent will and vigorous resolution displayed on all occa-
sions by their new governor, that they universally called him Hard-
Koppig Peet, or Peter the Headstrong, — a great compliment to the strength
of his understanding.
If, from all that I have said, thou dost not gather, worthy reader, that
Peter Stuyvesantv^zs a tough, sturdy, valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome,
obstinate, leathern-sided, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old governor,
either I have written to but little purpose, or thou art very dull at draw-
ing conclusions.
This most excellent governor commenced his administration on the 29th
of May, 1647, — ^ remarkably stormy day, distinguished in all the al-
manacs of the time which have come down to us by the name of Windy
Friday. As he was very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he was
inaugurated into office with great ceremony, — the goodly oaken chair
of the renowned Woiiter Van Twiller being carefully preserved for such
occasions, in like manner as the chair and stone were reverentially pre-
served at iSf/^o/ze", in /ScoZ/^W, for the coronation of the Caledonian monarchs.
I must not omit to mention that the tempestuous state of the elements,
together with its being that unlucky day of the week termed "hanging-
day," did not fail to excite much grave speculation and divers very reason-
[ 164 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^r.
able apprehensions among the more ancient and enlightened inhabitants ;
and several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be not a little skilled
in the mystery of astrology and fortune-telling, did declare outright that
they were omens of a disastrous administration ; — an event that came to
be lamentably verified, and which proves beyond dispute the wisdom of
attending to those preternatural intimations furnished by dreams and vi-
sions, the flying of birds, falling of stones, and cackling of geese, on which
the sages and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance ; or to those
shooting of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of dogs, and flarings of
candles, carefully noted and interpreted by the oracular sibyls of our day,
— who, in my humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and pre-
servers of the ancient science of divination. This much is certain, that
Governor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of state at a turbulent period ;
when foes thronged and threatened from without ; when anarchy and stiff-
necked opposition reigned rampant within ; when the authority of their
High Mightinesses the Lords States General, though supported by econ-
omy and defended by speeches, protests, and proclamations, yet tottered
to its very centre ; and when the great city of New Amsterdam, though
fortified by flagstaffs, trumpeters, and windmills, seemed, like some fair
lady of easy virtue, to lie open to attack, and ready to yield to the first
invader.
Ch
[ 165 ]
Chapter i i
SHOWING how Peter the Headstrong bestirred hi^nself
among the Rats and Cobwebs on entering into 0£ice ; His interview witli
Anthony the Trumpeter, and his perilous meddling with the Currency.
THE very first movements of the great Peter, on taking the
reins of government, displayed his magnanimity, though they
occasioned not a little marvel and uneasiness among the peo-
ple of the Ma nhattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupted
by the opposition, and annoyed by the advice of his privy
council, the members of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of
thinking and speaking for themselves during the preceding reign, he de-
termined at once to put a stop to such grievous abominations. Scarcely,
therefore, had he entered upon his authority, than he turned out of office
all the meddlesome spirits of the factious cabinet of William the Testy, in
place of whom he chose unto himself counsellors from those fat, somnif-
erous, respectable burghers who had flourished and slumbered under the
easy reign oiWalter the Doubter. All these he caused to be furnished with
abundance of fair long pipes, and to be regaled with frequent corporation
dinners, admonishing them to smoke, and eat, and sleep for the good of
the nation, while he took the burden of government upon his own shoul-
ders, — an arrangement to which they all gave hearty acquiescence.
Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among the inventions and
expedients of his learned predecessor; rooting up his patent gallows,
where caitiff vagabonds were suspended by the waistband, — demolishing
his flagstaffs and windmills, which, like mighty giants, guarded the ram-
parts of New Amsterdam, — pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of
quaker guns, — and, in a word, turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic,
economic, and windmill system of the immortal sage of Saardam.
The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to quake now for the fate of
their matchless champion, Anthony the Trumpeter, who had acquired pro-
digious favor in the eyes of the women, by means of his whiskers and his
trumpet. Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into his pre-
sence, and eyeing him for a moment from head to foot, with a counte-
nance that would have appalled anything else than a sounder of brass,
"Pr'ythee, who and what art thou?" said he. "Sire," replied the other,
in no wise dismayed, "for my name, it is Anthony Van Corlear ; for my
[ i66 ]
Ch. ii] N E W Y O R K ^C.
parentage, I am the son of my mother ; for my profession, I am cham-
pion and garrison of this great city of New Amsterdam^ " I doubt me
much," said Peter Stuyvesant, "that thou art some scurvy costard-monger
knave. How didst thou acquire this paramount honor and dignity?"
"Marry, sir," rephed the other, "like many a great man before me, sim-
ply by sounding my own trumpet^ " Ay, is it so ? " quoth the governor ;
"why, then let us have a relish of thy art." Whereupon the good Anthony
put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a charge with such a tremen-
dous outset, such a delegable quaver, and such a triumphant cadence,
that it was enough to make one's heart leap out of one's mouth only to
be within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger, grazing in peaceful
plains, starts at a strain of martial music, pricks up his ears, and snorts,
and paws, and kindles at the noise, so did the heroic Peter joy to hear
the clangor of the trumpet ; for of him might truly be said what was
recorded of the renowned St. George of England, " there was nothing in
all the world that more rejoiced his heart than to hear the pleasant sound
of war and see the soldiers brandish forth their steeled weapons." Cast-
ing his eyes more kindly, therefore, upon the sturdy Van Cor/ear, and
finding him to be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great
discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway conceived a vast kind-
ness for him, and, discharging him from the troublesome duty of garri-
soning, defending, and alarming the city, ever after retained him about
his person as his chief favorite, confidential envoy, and trusty squire. In-
stead of disturbing the city with disastrous notes, he was instrufted to
play so as to delight the governor while at his repasts, as did the min-
strels of yore in the days of glorious chivalry, — and on all public occa-
sions to rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody, thereby keep-
ing alive a noble and martial spirit.
But the measure of the sturdy Peter which produced the greatest agita-
tion in the community was his laying his hand upon the currency. He
had old-fashioned notions in favor of gold and silver, which he consid-
ered the true standards of wealth and mediums of commerce ; and one
of his first edicts was, that all duties to government should be paid in
those precious metals, and that seawant, or wampum, should no longer
be a legal tender.
Here was a blow at public prosperity ! All those who speculated on the
rise and fall of this flu6luating currency found their calling at an end ;
those, too, who had hoarded Indian money by barrels full, found their
capital shrunk in amount ; but, above all, the Yankee traders, who were
accustomed to flood the market with newly coined oyster-shells, and to
abstraft Dutch merchandise in exchange, were loud-mouthed in decry-
[ 167 ]
A History ^c. [Bk. v
ing this "tampering with the currency." It was cUpping the wings of
commerce ; it was checking the development of pubHc prosperity ; trade
would be at an end ; goods would moulder on the shelves ; grain would
rot in the granaries ; grass would grow in the market-place. In a word,
no one who has not heard the outcries and howlings of a modern T'ar-
shish, at any check upon " paper money," can have any idea of the clamor
against Peter the Headstrong for checking the circulation of oyster-shells.
In faft, trade did shrink into narrower channels, but then the stream was
deep as it was broad ; the honest Dutchmen sold less goods, but then they
got the worth of them, either in silver and gold, or in codfish, tin-ware,
apple-brandy. Weather sjield onions, wooden bowls, and other articles ot
Yankee barter. The ingenious people of the east, however, indemnified
themselves another way for having to abandon the coinage of oyster-
shells ; for, about this time we are told that wooden nutmegs made their
first appearance in New Amsterdam, to the great annoyance of the Dutch
housewives.
NOTE : From a Manuscript Record of the Province ; Lib. N. T. Hist. Society. — We have been unable
to render your inhabitants wiser and prevent their being further imposed upon than to declare abso-
lutely and peremptorily that henceforward seawant shall be bullion, — not longer admissible in trade,
without any value, as it is indeed. So that every one may be upon his guard to barter no longer away his
wares and merchandises for these bubbles, — at least not to accept them at a higher rate, or in a larger
quantity, than as they may want them in their trade with the savages.
In this way your English [Kaniee] neighbors shall no longer be enabled to draw the best wares and
merchandises from our country for nothing, — the beavers and furs not excepted. This has indeed
long since been insufferable, although it ought chiefly to be imputed to the imprudent pcnuriousness
of our own merchants and inhabitants, who, it is to be hoped, shall through the abolition of this sea-
want become wiser and more prudent.
I'jth January, 1662.
Seawsnt falls into disrepute ; duties to be paid in silver coin.
Ch
[ 168 J
C h
a p t e r i i i
How the Yankee League waxed mo?'e a7id more Potent^ and
how it outivitted the Good Peter in Treaty -Making.
NOW, it came to pass that while Peter Stuyvesant was busy
regulating the internal affairs of his domain, the great Yankee
league, which had caused such tribulation to William the
Testy ^ continued to increase in extent and power. The grand
AmphiSlyonic council of the league was held at Boston, where
it spun its web, which threatened to link within it all the mighty princi-
palities and powers of the east. The objeft professed by this formidable
combination was mutual proteftion and defence against their savage neigh-
bors ; but all the world knows the real aim was to form a grand crusade
against the Nieuw Neder lands, and to get possession of the city of the
Manhattoes, — as devout an objeft of enterprise and ambition to the Yan-
kees as was ever the capture of ^Jerusalem to ancient crusaders.
In the very year following the inauguration of Governor Stuyvesant, a
grand deputation departed from the city of Providence (famous for its
dusty streets and beauteous women) in behalf of the plantation of Rhode
Island, praying to be admitted into the league.
The following minute of this deputation appears in the ancient records
of the council :*
"0^r. com. Cottington anD Captain IpattriDg of EbooDe IslanD pre=
"senteD tbis insetoing request to tbe commissioners in torigbting —
"©ur request anD motion is in ftcbalfe of KbooDe Jlann, tbat tuce tbe
"3IlanDers of iRooDe=3ilanD map be rescauieD into combination toitb all
" tbe uniteD colonics of Beto €ngIanD in a firme anD perpetual league
*'of frienDsbip anD amitp of ofence anD Defence, mutuall aDDice anD suc=
"cor upon all mst occasions for our mutuall safetp anD toellfaire, etc.
''COillCottington,
'^aiicrsanDer jpartriDg."
There was certainly something in the very physiognomy of this docu-
ment that might well inspire apprehension. The name oi Alexander, how-
ever misspelt, has been warlike in every age ; and, though its fierceness
is in some measure softened by being coupled with the gentle cognomen
• Haz. Col. Stat. Pap.
[ 169 ]
A History of [Bk. v
of Partridge^ still, like the color of scarlet, it bears an exceeding great re-
semblance to the sound of a trumpet. From the style of the letter, more-
over, and the soldier-like ignorance of orthography displayed by the noble
Captain Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his own name, we may picture to
ourselves this mighty man oi Rhodes, strong in arms, potent in the field, and
as great a scholar as though he had been educated among that learned people
of T7?r^f(?who,^m/(9//£' assures us,could not count beyond the numberfour.
The result of this great Yankee league was augmented audacity on the
part of the moss-troopers of ConneSticut, — pushing their encroachments
farther and farther into the territories of their High Mightinesses, so
that even the inhabitants of New Amsterdam began to draw short breath
and to find themselves exceedingly cramped for elbow-room.
Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to submit quietly to such intrusions ; his
first impulse was to march at once to the frontier and kick these squat-
ting Yankees out of the country ; but, bethinking himself in time that
he was now a governor and legislator, the policy of the statesman for
once cooled the fire of the old soldier, and he determined to try his hand
at negotiation. A correspondence accordingly ensued between him and
the grand council of the league, and it was agreed that commissioners
from either side should meet at Hartford, to settle boundaries, adjust
grievances, and establish a "perpetual and happy peace."
The commissioners on the part of the Manhattoes were chosen, according
to immemorial usage of that venerable metropolis, from among the
"wisest and weightiest" men of the community — that is to say, men with
the oldest heads and heaviest pockets. Among these sages the veteran
navigator, Hans Reinier Oothout, who had made such extensive discover-
ies during the time of Oloffe the Dreamer, was looked up to as an oracle
in all matters of the kind ,• and he was ready to produce the very spy-glass
with which he first spied the mouth of the ConneSlicut River from his
mast-head, — and all the world knows the discovery of the mouth of a
river gives prior right to all the lands drained by its waters.
It was with feelings of pride and exultation that the good people of the
Manhattoes saw two of the richest and most ponderous burghers depart-
ing on this embassy, — men whose word on 'change was oracular, and in
whose presence no poor man ventured to appear without taking off his
hat. When it was seen, too, that the veteran Reinier Oothout accompan-
ied them with his spy-glass under his arm, all the old men and old wo-
men predi6ted that men of such weight, with such evidence, would leave
the Yankees no alternative but to pack up their tin kettles and wooden
wares, put wife and children in a cart, and abandon all the lands of their
High Mightinesses on which they had squatted.
[ 170 ]
Ch. hi] New York ^c.
In truth, the commissioners sent to Hartford by the league seemed in no
wise calculated to compete with men of such capacity. They were two
lean Yankee lawyers, litigious-looking varlets, and evidently men of no
substance, since they had no rotundity in the belt and there was no jin-
gling of money in their pockets. It is true, they had longer heads than
the Dutchmen; but if the heads of the latter were flat at top, they were
broad at bottom, and what was wanting in height of forehead was made
up by a double chin.
The negotiation turned, as usual, upon the good old corner-stone of origi-
nal discovery, — according to the principle that he who first sees a new
country has an unquestionable right to it. This being admitted, the veteran
Oothout, at a concerted signal, stepped forth in the assembly with the iden-
tical tarpauling spy-glass in his hand, with which he had discovered the
mouth of the ConneBicut, while the worthy Dutch commissioners lolled
back in their chairs, secretly chuckling at the idea of having for once got
the weather-gauge of the Yankees ; but what was their dismay when the lat-
ter produced a A7'^z/?/«r/j£'/ whaler with a spy-glass twice as long, with which
he discovered the whole coast, quite down to the Manhattoes, and so crooked
that he had spied with it up the whole course of the ConneSlkut River!
This principle pushed home, therefore, the Yankees had a right to the
whole country bordering on the Sound ; nay, the city of New Atnsterdatn
was a mere Dutch squatting place on their territories.
I forbear to dwell upon the confusion of the worthy Dutch commissioners
at finding their main pillar of proof thus knocked from under them ; nei-
ther will I pretend to describe the consternation of the wise men at the
Manhattoes when they learned how their commissioner had been out-
trumped by the Yankees, and how the latter pretended to claim to the
very gates of New Amsterdam.
Long was the negotiation protrafted, and long was the public mind kept
in a state of anxiety. There are two modes of settling boundary questions
when the claims of the opposite are irreconcilable. One is by an appeal
to arms, in which case the weakest party is apt to lose its right, and get
a broken head into the bargain ; the other mode is by compromise, or
mutual concession, — that is to say, one party cedes half of its claims and
the other party half of its rights ; he who grasps most gets most, and the
whole is pronounced an equitable division, "perfeftly honorable to both
parties."
The latter mode was adopted in the present instance. The Yankees gave
up claims to vast trafts of the Nieuw Nederlands which they had never
seen, and all right to the island of Manna-hata and the city of New Am-
sterdam; while the Dutch^ in return, agreed that the Yankees should re-
[ 171 ]
A History ^c. [Bk. v
tain possession of the frontier places where they had squatted, and of
both sides of the ConneSlicut River.
When the news of this treaty arrived at New Amsterdam^ the whole city
was in an uproar of exultation. The old women rejoiced that there was
to be no war, the old men that their cabbage-gardens were safe from in-
vasion ; while the political sages pronounced the treaty a great triumph
over the Yankees^ considering how much they had claimed and how
little they had been "fobbed off with."
And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great and good Peter,
congratulating himself with the idea that his feelings will no longer be
harassed by afflicting details of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded
hogs, and all the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties that disgraced
these border wars. But if he should indulge in such exped:ations, it is a
proof that he is but little versed in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; to
convince him of which, I solicit his serious attention to my next chap-
ter, wherein I will show that Peter Stuyvesant has already committed a
great error in politics, and, by effefting a peace, has materially hazarded
the tranquillity of the province.
Ch
[ 172 ]
Chapter iv
CONTAINING divers Speculations on War and Negotia-
tions — Showing that a Treaty of Peace is a great National Evil.
IT was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucretius, that war
was the original state of man, whom he described as being primi-
tively a savage beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hos-
tility with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit was tamed
and ameliorated by society. The same opinion has been advocated
by Hobbes* nor have there been wanting many other philosophers to
admit and defend it.
For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable speculations,
so complimentary to human nature, yet, in this instance, I am inclined
to take the proposition by halves, believing with Horace-f that though
war may have been originally the favorite amusement and industrious
employment of our progenitors, yet, like many other excellent habits,
so far from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and confirmed by
refinement and civilization, and increases in exaft proportion as we ap-
proach towards that state of perfe<5tion which is the ne plus ultra of mod-
ern philosophy.
The first conflid: between man and man was the mere exertion of phy-
sical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons ; his arm was his buckler, his
fist was his mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his encounters.
The battle of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged one
of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspeft. As man ad-
vanced in refinement, as his faculties expanded, and as his sensibilities
became more exquisite, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced
in the art of murdering his fellow-beings. He invented a thousand de-
vices to defend and to assault : the helmet, the cuirass, and the buckler,
the sword, the dart, and the javelin, prepared him to elude the wound
as well as to launch the blow. Still urging on in the career of philan-
thropic invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers of defence and
* Hobies' Leviathan. Part i. ch. 13.
t Quum prorepserunt primis animalia terris,
Mutuum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter,
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro
Pugnabant armis, quae post fabricaverat usus.
HoR. Sat. L. i. S. 3.
[ ^7^ ]
A History of [Bk. v
injury : the Aj-ks^ the Scorpio, the Ballista, and the Catapulta give a
horror and sublimity to war, and magnify its glory, by increasing its
desolation. Still insatiable, though armed with machinery that seemed
to reach the limits of destru6tive invention, and to yield a power of in-
jury commensurate even with the desires of revenge, still deeper re-
searches must be made in the diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he
dives into the bowels of the earth ; he toils midst poisonous minerals and
deadly salts, — the sublime discovery of gunpowder blazes upon the world ;
and finally the dreadful art of fighting by proclamation seems to en-
dow the demon of war with ubiquity and omnipotence !
This, indeed, is grand ! — this, indeed, marks the powers of mind, and
bespeaks that divine endowment of reason which distinguishes us from
the animals, our inferiors. The unenlightened brutes content themselves
with the native force which Providence has assigned them. The angry
bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors before him ; the lion,
the leopard, and the tiger seek only with their talons and their fangs to
gratify their sanguinary fury ; and even the subtle serpent darts the same
venom and uses the same wiles as did his sire before the flood. Man
alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery to dis-
covery, — enlarges and multiplies his powers of destruction, — arrogates
the tremendous weapons of Deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him
in murdering his brother-worm !
In proportion as the art of war has increased in improvement has the
art of preserving peace advanced in equal ratio ; and, as we have discov-
ered, in this age of wonders and inventions, that proclamation is the
most formidable engine in war, so have we discovered the no less in-
genious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual negotiations.
A treaty, or, to speak more correftly, a negotiation, therefore, according
to the acceptation of experienced statesmen learned in these matters, is
no longer an attempt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights,
and to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices, but a contest of
skill between two powers, which shall overreach and take in the other.
It is a cunning endeavor to obtain by peaceful manoeuvre and the chi-
canery of cabinets those advantages which a nation would otherwise
have wrested by force of arms, — in the same manner as a conscientious
highwayman reforms and becomes a quiet and praiseworthy citizen, con-
tenting himself with cheating his neighbor out of that property he would
formerly have seized with open violence.
In fad:, the only time when two nations can be said to be in a state of
perfe6l amity is when a negotiation is open and a treaty pending. Then,
when there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds to restrain the
[ 174]
Ch. iv] New York ^c.
will, no specific limits to awaken the captious jealousy of right implanted
in our nature, when each party has some advantage to hope and exped;
from the other, then it is that the two nations are wonderfully gracious
and friendly, — their ministers professing the highest mutual regard, ex-
changing billets-doux, making fine speeches, and indulging in all those
little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings that do so marvel-
lously tickle the good-humor of the respective nations. Thus, it may para-
doxically be said that there is never so good an understanding between
two nations as when there is a little misunderstanding, and that so long
as they are on no terms at all, they are on the best terms in the world !
I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of having made the
above discovery. It has, in faft, long been secretly afted upon by certain
enlightened cabinets, and is, together with divers other notable theories,
privately copied out of the commonplace book of an illustrious gentle-
man who has been member of congress and enjoyed the unlimited con-
fidence of heads of departments. To this principle may be ascribed the
wonderful ingenuity shown of late years in protrafting and interrupting
negotiations. Hence the cunning measure of appointing as ambassador
some political pettifogger skilled in delays, sophisms, and misapprehen-
sions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument, — or some blunder-
ing statesman whose errors and misconstruftions may be a plea for re-
fusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, that most notable ex-
pedient, so popular with our government, of sending out a brace of am-
bassadors, — between whom, having each an individual will to consult,
charafter to establish, and interest to promote, you may as well look for
unanimity and concord as between two lovers with one mistress, two
dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues with one pair of breeches.
This disagreement, therefore, is continually breeding delays and impedi-
ments, in consequence of which the negotiation goes on swimmingly —
inasmuch as there is no prospeft of its ever coming to a close. Nothing
is lost by these delays and obstacles but time ; and, in a negotiation, ac-
cording to the theory I have exposed, all time lost is in reality so much
time gained : with what delightful paradoxes does modern political econ-
omy abound !
Now, all that I have here advanced is so notoriously true that I almost
blush to take up the time of my readers with treating of matters which
must many a time have stared them in the face. But the proposition to
which I would most earnestly call their attention is this, that though a
negotiation be the most harmonizing of all national transactions, yet
a treaty of peace is a great political evil and one of the most fruitful
sources of war.
[ ^75 ]
A History of [Bk. v
I have rarely seen an instance of any special contrail between individu-
als that did not produce jealousies, bickerings, and often downright rup-
tures between them ; nor did I ever know of a treaty between two na-
tions that did not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many
worthy country neighbors have I known, who, after living in peace and
good-fellowship for years, have been thrown into a state of distrust, ca-
villing, and animosity by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs
of water, and stray cattle ! And how many well-meaning nations, who
would otherwise have remained in the most amicable disposition towards
each other, have been brought to swords' points about the infringement
or misconstruftion of some treaty which in an evil hour they had con-
cluded, by way of making their amity more sure !
Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest requires their
fulfilment ; consequently, they are virtually binding on the weaker party
only, or, in plain truth, they are not binding at all. No nation will wan-
tonly go to war with another if it has nothing to gain thereby, and there-
fore needs no treaty to restrain it from violence ; and if it have anything
to gain, I much question, from what I have witnessed of the righteous
conduft of nations, whether any treaty could be made so strong that it
could not thrust the sword through, — nay, I would hold ten to one, the
treaty itself would be the very source to which resort would be had to
find a pretext for hostilities.
Thus, therefore, I conclude that, though it is the best of all policies for
a nation to keep up a constant negotiation with its neighbors, yet it is the
summit of folly for it ever to be beguiled into a treaty ; for, then comes
on non-fulfilment and infracftion, then remonstrance, then altercation, then
retaliation, then recrimination, and finally open war. In a word, nego-
tiation is like courtship, a time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft
looks, and endearing caresses ; but, the marriage ceremony is the signal
for hostilities.
If my painstaking reader be not somewhat perplexed by the ratiocination
of the foregoing passage, he will perceive at a glance that the Great
Peter, in concluding a treaty with his eastern neighbors, was guilty of
lamentable error in policy. In faft, to this unlucky agreement may be
traced a world of bickerings and heart-burnings between the parties
about fancied or pretended infringements of treaty stipulations, in all
which the Yankees were prone to indemnify themselves by a "dig into
the sides" of the New Netherlands. But, in sooth, these border feuds,
albeit they gave great annoyance to the good burghers of Manna-hata,
were so pitiful in their nature that a grave historian like myself, who
grudges the time spent in anything less than the revolutions of states and
[ 176 ]
Ch. iv] N E W Y O R K ^C.
fall of empires, would deem them unworthy of being inscribed on his
page. The reader is, therefore, to take it for granted, though I scorn to
waste in the detail that time which my furrowed brow and trembling
hand inform me is invaluable, that all the while the Great Peter was oc-
cupied in those tremendous and bloody contests which I shall shortly
rehearse, there was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling scourings,
broils, and maraudings kept up on the eastern frontiers by the moss-
troopers of ConrieSlicut. But, like that mirror of chivalry, the sage and
valorous Don Quixote, I leave these petty contests for some future Sancho
Panza of an historian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen for achieve-
ments of higher dignity. In fa6l, there were naught but skirmishings
upon the outposts, preparatory to a grand campaign meditated by the
great commander of the league against the Manhattoes and its immacu-
late governor, and at this moment I hear a direful and portentous note
issuing from the bosom of the council and resounding throughout the
regions of the east, menacing the fame and fortunes oi Peter Stuyvesant, I
call, therefore, upon the reader to leave behind him all the paltry brawls
of the ConneSikut borders, and to press forward with me to the relief of
our favorite hero, who, I foresee, will be wofully beset by the implaca-
ble Yankees in the next chapter.
Ch
[ ^n ]
Chapter v
How Peter Stuyvesant was grievously belied by the great
Council of the League, and how he sent Anthony the Trumpeter to take
to the Council a piece of his Mind.
THAT the reader may be aware of the peril at this moment
menacing Peter Stuyvesant and his capital, I must remind
him of the old charge advanced in the council of the league
in the time of William the Testy, that the Nederlanders were
carrying on a trade "damnable and injurious to the colo-
nists," in furnishing the savages with "guns, powther, and shott." This,
as I then suggested, was a crafty device of the Yankee confederacy to have
a snug cause of war in petto, in case any favorable opportunity should pre-
sent of attempting the conquest of the New Nederlands, the great objedl
of Yankee ambition.
Accordingly, we now find, when every other ground of complaint had
apparently been removed by treaty, this nefarious charge revived with
tenfold virulence and hurled like a thunderbolt at the very head of
Peter Stuyvesant. Happily, his head, like that of the great bull of the
Wabash, was proof against such missiles.
To be explicit, we are told that in the year 165 i the great confeder-
acy of the east accused the immaculate Peter, the soul of honor and
heart of steel, of secretly endeavoring, by gifts and promises, to instigate
the Narroheganset, Mohaque, and Pequot Indians to surprise and massacre
the Yankee settlements. "For," as the grand council observed, "the In-
dians round about for divers hundred miles cercute seeme to have drunk
deepe of an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Manhattoes against the
English, whoe have sought their good, both in bodily and spirituall
respefts."
This charge they pretended to support by the evidence of divers Indians,
who were probably moved by that spirit of truth which is said to reside
in the bottle, and who swore to the fa6t as sturdily as though they had
been so many Christian troopers.
Though descended from a family which suffered much injury from the
losel Yankees of those times, my great-grandfather having had a yoke of
oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes
and a bloody nose in one of these border wars, and my grandfather, when
[ 178 ]
Ch. v] N E W Y O R K ^C.
a very little boy tending pigs, having been kidnapped and severely flogged
by a long-sided ConneSlicut schoolmaster, yet I should have passed over
all these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion ; I could even have suf-
fered them to have broken Everet Ducking's head, to have kicked the
doughty Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged regiment out-of-doors, to
have carried every hog into captivity, and depopulated every hen-roost
on the face of the earth with perfe<5t impunity, — but this wanton attack
upon one of the most gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern times
is too much even for me to digest, and has overset, with a single puff,
the patience of the historian and the forbearance of the Dutchman.
Oh, reader, it was false ! I swear to thee, it was false ! If thou hast any
respe6t to my word, if the undeviating chara6ter for veracity which I
have endeavored to maintain throughout this work has its due weight
with thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander ; for, I
pledge my honor and my immortal fame to thee that the gallant Peter
Stuyvesant was not only innocent of this foul conspiracy, but would have
suffered his right arm or even his wooden leg to consume with slow
and everlasting flames, rather than attempt to destroy his enemies in any
other way than open, generous warfare. Beshrew those caitiff scouts that
conspired to sully his honest name by such an imputation !
Peter Stuyvesant, though haply he may never have heard of a knight-
errant, had as true a heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table
of King Arthur. In the honest bosom of this heroic Dutchman dwelt the
seven noble virtues of knighthood, flourishing among his hardy quali-
ties like wild flowers among rocks. He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry
struck off by nature at a single heat, and, though little care may have
been taken to refine her workmanship, he stood forth a miracle of her
skill. In all his dealings he was headstrong, perhaps, but open and above-
board ; if there was anything in the whole world he most loathed and
despised, it was cunning and secret wile; "straightforward" was his
motto, and he would at any time rather run his hard head against a
stone wall than attempt to get round it.
Such was Peter Stuyvesant ; and, if my admiration of him has on this oc-
casion transported my style beyond the sober gravity which becomes
the philosophic recorder of historic events, I must plead as an apology
that, though a little gray-headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the down-
hill of life, I still retain a lingering spark of that fire which kindles in
the eye of youth when contemplating the virtues of ancient worthies.
Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed, be the good St. Nicholas, if I have
indeed escaped that apathy which chills the sympathies of age and para-
lyzes every glow of enthusiasm.
[ 179 ]
A History ^c. [Bk. v
The first measure of Peter Stuyvesant on hearing of this slanderous charge
would have been worthy of a man who had studied for years in the chiv-
alrous library of Don Quixote. Drawing his sword and laying it across
the table, to put him in proper tune, he took pen in hand and indited
a proud and lofty letter to the council of the league, reproaching them
with giving ear to the slanders of heathen savages against a Christian, a
soldier, and a cavalier ; declaring that whoever charged him with the
plot in question lied in his throat, — to prove which he offered to meet
the president of the council or any of his compeers, or their champion,
Captain Alicxsander Partridge that mighty man oi Rhodes, in single com-
bat, wherein he trusted to vindicate his honor by the prowess of his arm.
This missive was intrusted to his trumpeter and squire, Anthony Van
Corlear, that man of emergencies, with orders to travel night and day,
sparing neither whip nor spur, seeing that he carried the vindication of
his patron's fame in his saddle-bags.
The loyal Anthony accomplished his mission with great speed and con-
siderable loss of leather. He delivered his missive with becoming cere-
mony, accompanying it with a flourish of defiance on his trumpet to
the whole council, ending with a significant and nasal twang full in the
face of Captain Partridge who nearly jumped out of his skin in an ec-
stasy of astonishment.
The grand council was composed of men too cool and practical to be
put readily in a heat or to indulge in knight-errantry, and, above all,
to run a tilt with such a fiery hero as Peter the Headstrong. They knew
the advantage, however, to have always a snug, justifiable cause of war
in reserve with a neighbor who had territories worth invading ; so they
devised a reply to Peter Stuyvesant calculated to keep up the "raw"
which they had established.
On receiving this answer, Anthony Van Corlear remounted the Flanders
mare which he always rode, and trotted merrily back to the Manhattoes,
solacing himself by the way according to his wont, twanging his trum-
pet like a very devil, so that the sweet valleys and banks of the Con-
neSiicut resounded with the warlike melody, bringing all the folks to
the windows as he passed through Hartford and Pyquag, and Middietoivn,
and all the other border towns, ogling and winking at the women, and
making aerial windmills from the end of his nose at their husbands,
and stopping occasionally in the villages to eat pumpkin-pies, dance at
country frolics, and bundle with the Yankee lasses, whom he rejoiced
exceedingly with his soul-stirring instrument.
Chap.
[ i8o ]
Chapter vi
HOW Peter Stuyvesant demanded a Court of Honor ^ and
of the Court of Honor awarded to him.
THE reply of the grand council to Peter Stuyvesant was couched
in the coolest and most diplomatic language. They assured
him that "his confidential denials of the barbarous plot al-
leged against him would weigh little against the testimony
of divers sober and respectable Indians " ; that " his guilt
was proved to their perfeft satisfaftion," so that they must still require
and seek due satisfaction and security ; ending with — "so we rest, sir —
Yours in ways of righteousness."
I forbear to say how the lion-hearted Peter roared and ramped at find-
ing himself more and more entangled in the meshes thus artfully drawn
round him by the knowing Yankees. Impatient, however, of suffering
so gross an aspersion to rest upon his honest name, he sent a second mes-
senger to the council, reiterating his denial of the treachery imputed
to him, and offering to submit his condu6l to the scrutiny of a court
of honor. His offer was readily accepted, and now he looked forward
with confidence to an august tribunal to be assembled at the Manhattoes,
formed of high-minded cavaliers, peradventure governors and comman-
ders of the confederate plantations, when the matter might be investi-
gated by his peers in a manner befitting his rank and dignity.
While he was awaiting the arrival of such high functionaries, behold,
one sunshiny afternoon there rode into the great gate of the Manhattoes
two lean, hungry-looking Tankees, mounted on Narraganset pacers, with
saddle-bags under their bottoms and green satchels under their arms,
who looked marvellously like two pettifogging attorneys beating the
hoof from one county court to another in quest of lawsuits ; and, in sooth,
though they may have passed under different names at the time, I have
reason to suspect they were the identical varlets who had negotiated the
worthy Dutch commissioners out of the ConneEiicut River.
It was a rule with these indefatigable missionaries never to let the grass
grow under their feet. Scarce had they, therefore, alighted at the inn
and deposited their saddle-bags, than they made their way to the resi-
dence of the governor. They found him, according to custom, smoking
his afternoon pipe on the "stoep," or bench at the porch of his house,
[ i8i ]
A History '^c. [Bk. v
and announced themselves, at once, as commissioners sent by the grand
council of the east to investigate the truth of certain charges advanced
against him.
The good Peter took his pipe from his mouth and gazed at them for a
moment in mute astonishment. By w^ay of expediting business, they were
proceeding on the spot to put some preliminary questions, — asking him,
peradventure, whether he pleaded guilty or not guilty, considering him
something in the light of a culprit at the bar, — when they were brought
to a pause by seeing him lay down his pipe and begin to fumble with
his walking-staff. For a moment those present would not have given
half-a-crown for both the crowns of the commissioners ; but Peter Stuy-
vesant repressed his mighty wrath and stayed his hand ; he scanned the
varlets from head to foot, satchels and all, with a look of ineffable scorn,
then strode into the house, slammed the door after him, and commanded
that they should never again be admitted to his presence.
The knowing commissioners winked to each other, and made a certifi-
cate on the spot that the governor had refused to answer their interroga-
tories or to submit to their examination. They then proceeded to rum-
mage about the city for two or three days, in quest of what they called
evidence, perplexing Indians and old women with their cross-question-
ing until they had stuffed their satchels and saddle-bags with all kinds
of apocryphal tales, rumors, and calumnies ; with these they mounted
their Narraganset pacers and travelled back to the grand council. Nei-
ther did the proud-hearted Peter trouble himself to hinder their re-
searches nor impede their departure ; he was too mindful of their sacred
character as envoys ; but, I warrant me, had they played the same tricks
with William the Testy, he would have had them tucked up by the waist-
band and treated to an aerial gambol on his patent gallows.
Ch
[ 182 ]
Chapter vii
HOW **2DtUm ecclesiastic'' 'was beaten throughout
Connecticut for a Crusade against the New Netherlands, and how
Peter Stuyvesant took measures to fortify his Capital.
THE grand council of the east held a solemn meeting on the
return of their envoys. As no advocate appeared in behalf of
Peter Stuyvesant^ everything went against him. His haughty
refusal to submit to the questioning of the commissioners
was construed into a consciousness of guilt. The contents
of the satchels and saddle-bags were poured forth before the council and
appeared a mountain of evidence. A pale, bilious orator took the floor
and declaimed for hours in belligerent terms. He was one of those furi-
ous zealots who blow the bellows of faction until the whole furnace of
politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders. What was it to him if he
should set the house on fire, so that he might boil his pot by the blaze !
He was from the borders of ConneSiicut ; his constituents lived by maraud-
ing their Dutch neighbors, and were the greatest poachers in Christendom,
excepting the Scotch border nobles. His eloquence had its effect, and it was
determined to set on foot an expedition against the Nieuic Nederlands.
It was necessary, however, to prepare the public mind for this measure.
Accordingly, the arguments of the orator were echoed from the pulpit
for several succeeding Sundays, and a crusade was preached up against
Peter Stuyvesant and his devoted city.
This is the first we hear of the "drum ecclesiastic" beating up for re-
cruits in worldly warfare in our country. It has since been called into fre-
quent use. A cunning politician often lurks under the clerical robe ; things
spiritual and things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like drugs
on an apothecary's shelf; and, instead of a peaceful sermon, the simple
seeker after righteousness has often a political pamphlet thrust down his
throat, labelled with a pious text from Scripture.
And now nothing was talked of but an expedition against the Manhat-
toes. It pleased the populace, who had a vehement prejudice against the
Dutch, considering them a vastly inferior race, who had sought the new
world for the lucre of gain, not the liberty of conscience ; who were mere
heretics and infidels, inasmuch as they refused to believe in witches and
sea-serpents and the supernatural virtues of horse-shoes nailed to the
[ 183 ]
A History of [Bk. v
door ; ate pork without molasses ; held pumpkins in contempt, and were
in perpetual breach of the eleventh commandment of all true Yankees^
"Thou shalt have codfish dinners on Saturdays."
No sooner did Peter Stuyvesant get wind of the storm that was brewing
in the east than he set to work to prepare for it. He was not one of those
economical rulers who postpone the expense of fortifying until the enemy
is at the door. There is nothing, he would say, that keeps off enemies and
crows more than the smell of gunpowder. He proceeded, therefore, with all
diligence to put the province and its metropolis in a posture of defence.
Among the remnants which remained from the days of William the T'esty
were the militia laws, by which the inhabitants were obliged to turn
out twice a year, with such military equipments as it pleased God, and
were put under the command of tailors and man-milliners, who, though
on ordinary occasions they might have been the meekest, most pippin-
hearted little men in the world, were very devils at parade, when they
had cocked hats on their heads and swords by their sides. Under the in-
structions of these periodical warriors, the peaceful burghers of the Man-
hattoes were schooled in iron war, and became so hardy in the process of
time that they could march through sun and rain, from one end of the
town to the other, without flinching, and so intrepid and adroit that they
could face to the right, wheel to the left, and fire without winking or
blinking.
Peter Stuyvesant, like all old soldiers who have seen service and smelt
gunpowder, had no great respeft for militia troops ; however, he deter-
mined to give them a trial, and, accordingly, called for a general muster,
inspediion, and review. But, O Mars and Bellona, what a turning-out was
here ! Here came old Roelant Cuckahurt, with a short blunderbuss on his
shoulder and a long horseman's sword trailing by his side ; and Parent
Dirkson, with something that looked like a copper kettle turned upside
down on his head and a couple of old horse-pistols in his belt ; and Dirk
Folkertson, with, a long duck fowling-piece without any ramrod ; and a host
more, armed higgledy-piggledy, with swords, hatchets, snickersnees,
crowbars, broomsticks, and what not — the officers distinguished from the
rest by having their slouched hats cocked up with pins and surmounted
with cock-tail feathers.
The sturdy Peter eyed this nondescript host with some such rueful as-
pect as a man would eye the devil, and determined to give his feather-
bed soldiers a seasoning. He accordingly put them through their manual
exercise over and over again, trudged them backwards and forwards
about the streets oi New Amsterdam until their short legs ached and their
fat sides sweated again, and finally encamped them in the evening on the
[ 184]
Ch. vii] New York ^c.
summit of a hill without the city, to give them a taste of camp-life, in-
tending the next day to renew the toils and perils of the field. But so it
came to pass that in the night there fell a great and heavy rain and
melted away the army, so that in the morning, when Gaffer Phoebus shed
his first beams upon the camp, scarce a warrior remained except Peter
Stuyvesant and his trumpeter Van Cor/ear.
This awful dissolution of a whole army would have appalled a com-
mander of less nerve, but it served to confirm Peter s waqt of confidence
in the militia system, which he thence forward used to call, in joke,
(for he sometimes indulged in a joke), William the Testy s broken reed.
He now took into his service a goodly number of burly, broad-shoul-
dered, broad-bottomed Dutchmen^ whom he paid in good silver and gold,
and of whom he boasted that whether they could stand fire or not, they
were at least waterproof. He fortified the city, too, with pickets, or pali-
sadoes, extending across the island from river to river, and, above all, cast
up mud batteries, or redoubts, on the point of the island where it divided
the beautiful bosom of the bay.
These latter redoubts, in process of time, came to be pleasantly overrun
by a carpet of grass and clover, and overshaded by wide-spreading elms
and sycamores, among the branches of which the birds would build their
nests and rejoice the ear with their melodious notes. Under these trees,
too, the old burghers would smoke their afternoon pipe, contemplating
the golden sun as he sank in the west, an emblem of the tranquil end
toward which they were declining. Here, too, would the young men
and maidens of the town take their evening stroll, watching the silver
moonbeams as they trembled along the calm bosom of the bay, or lit up
the sail of some gliding bark, and, peradventure, interchanging the soft
vows of honest affeftion, — for, to evening strolls in this favored spot were
traced most of the marriages in New Amsterdam.
Such was the origin of that renowned promenade. The Battery, which,
though ostensibly devoted to the stern purposes of war, has ever been
consecrated to the sweet delights of peace, — the scene of many a gambol
in happy childhood, of many a tender assignation in riper years, of many a
soothing walk in declining age ; the healthful resort of the feeble invalid,
the Sunday refreshment of the dusty tradesman, — in fine, the ornament
and delight of New Tork^ and the pride of the lovely island oiManna-hata.
Ch
[ 185 ]
Chapter viii
HOW the Yankee Crusade against the New Netherlands
was bailed by the sudden Outbreak of Witchcraft among t lie people of tlie East.
HAVING thus provided for the temporary security of New
Amsterdam and guarded it against any sudden surprise, the
gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, and, snapping his
fingers, set the great council oi AmpliiElyons and their cham-
pion, the redoubtable Alicxsander Partridg, at defiance. In
the mean time the moss-troopers of ConneSlicut, the warriors of New Ha-
ven and Hartford, and Pyquag, otherwise called WeatJiersfield, famous for
its onions and its witches, and of all the other border towns, were in a
prodigious turmoil, furbishing up their rusty weapons, shouting aloud
for war, and anticipating easy conquests and glorious rummaging of the
fat little Dutch villages.
In the midst of these warlike preparations, however, they received the
chilling news that the colony of Massachusetts refused to back them in
this righteous war. It seems that the gallant condud: of Peter Stuyvesant,
the generous warmth of his vindication, and the chivalrous spirit of his
defiance, though lost upon the grand council of the league, had carried
conviction to the general court of Massachusetts, which nobly refused to
believe him guilty of the villanous plot laid at his door.*
The defection of so important a colony paralyzed the councils of the
league ; some such dissension arose among its members as prevailed of
yore in the camp of the brawling warriors of Greece, and in the end the
crusade against the Manliattoes was abandoned.
It is said that the moss-troopers of ConneSiicut were sorely disappointed.
But well for them that their belligerent cravings were not gratified ; for,
by my faith, whatever might have been the ultimate result of a conflift
with all the powers of the east, in the interim the stomachful heroes of
Pyquag would have been choked with their own onions, and all the bor-
der towns of ConneSlicut would have had such a scouring from the lion-
hearted Peter and his robustious myrmidons that I warrant me they
would not have had the stomach to squat on the land or invade the hen-
roost of a Nederlander for a century to come.
* Hazard'' s State Papers.
[ i86 ]
Ch.viii] New York ^c.
But it was not merely the refusal oi Massachusetts to join in their unholy
crusade that confounded the councils of the league ; for, about this time
broke out in the New England provinces the awful plague of witchcraft,
which spread like pestilence through the land. Such a howling abomi-
nation could not be suffered to remain long unnoticed ; it soon excited
the fiery indignation of those guardians of the commonwealth who whilom
had evinced such active benevolence in the conversion of Quakers and
Anabaptists. The grand council of the league publicly set their faces
against the crime, and bloody laws were enacted against all "solemn
conversing or compacting with the divil by way of conjuracion or the
like." * Strict search, too, was made after witches, who were easily de-
tected by devil's pinches, by being able to weep but three tears (and
those out of the left eye), and by having a most suspicious predilection
for black cats and broomsticks ! What is particularly worthy of admira-
tion is, that this terrible art, which has baffled the studies and researches
of philosophers, astrologers, theurgists, and other sages, was chiefly con-
fined to the most ignorant, decrepit, and ugly old women in the com-
munity, with scarce more brains than the broomsticks they rode upon.
When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who dearly love to be in a
panic, are always ready to keep it up. Raise but the cry of yellow fever,
and immediately every headache, indigestion, and overflowing of the bile
is pronounced the terrible epidemic ; cry out mad dog, and every unlucky
cur in the street is in jeopardy : so, in the present instance, whoever was
troubled with colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched, — and woe to
any unlucky old woman living in the neighborhood !
It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, "for every one
of which," says the reverend Cotton Mather, in that excellent work the
History of New England, "we have such a sufScient evidence, that no
reasonable man in this whole country ever did question them ; and it will
be unreasonable to do it in any other T 'X
Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, 'John Josselyn, Gent., fur-
nishes us with unquestionable facts on this subje6t. "There are none,"
observes he, "that beg in this country, but there be witches too many, —
bottle-bellied witches, and others, that produce many strange apparitions,
if you will believe report, of a shallop at sea manned with women, and
of a ship and great red horse standing by the mainmast ; the ship, being
in a small cove to the eastward, vanished of a sudden," etc.
The number of delinquents, however, and their magical devices were
* New Plymouth Record.
t Mather's Hist. New Eng. B. 6, ch. 7.
[ 187 ]
A History of [Bk.v
not more remarkable than their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted
in the most solemn, persuasive, and afFeftionate manner to confess them-
selves guilty, and be burnt for the good of religion and the entertainment
of the public, yet did they most pertinaciously persist in asserting their
innocence. Such incredible obstinacy was in itself deserving of immediate
punishment, and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary, that they
were in league with the devil, who is perverseness itself. But their judges
were just and merciful, and were determined to punish none that were
not convi6ted on the best of testimony ; not that they needed any evi-
dence to satisfy their own minds (for, like true and experienced judges,
their minds were perfectly made up, and they were thoroughly satisfied
of the guilt of the prisoners before they proceeded to try them), but still
something was necessary to convince the community at large, to quiet
those prying quidnuncs who should come after them, — in short, the world
must be satisfied. Oh, the world — the world ! — all the world knows the
world of trouble the world is eternally occasioning ! The worthy judges,
therefore, were driven to the necessity of sifting, detecting, and making
evident as noonday matters which were at the commencement all clearly
understood and firmly decided upon in their own pericraniums ; so that
it may truly be said that the witches were burnt to gratify the populace
of the day, but were tried for the satisfaction of the whole world that
should come after them !
Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound reason, nor friendly
entreaty had any avail on these hardened offenders, they resorted to the
more urgent arguments of torture ; and having thus absolutely wrung the
truth from their stubborn lips, they condemned them to undergo the roast-
ing due unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some even carried
their perverseness so far as to expire under the torture, protesting their
innocence to the last ; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and abso-
lutely possessed by the devil, and the pious by-standers only lamented
that they had not lived a little longer, to have perished in the flames.
In the city of Ephesus, we are told that the plague was expelled by ston-
ing a ragged old beggar to death, whom Apollonius pointed out as being
the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually showed himself to be a
demon by changing into a shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures
equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to this growing evil. The
witches were all burnt, banished, or panic-struck, and in a little while
there was not an ugly old woman to be found throughout New England, —
which is doubtless one reason why all the young women there are so hand-
some. Those honest folk who had suffered from their incantations gradu-
ally recovered, excepting such as had been afflifted with twitches and
[ i88 ]
M
^^
Coticernina JVUchcraft.
Ch.viii] New York ^c.
aches, which, however, assumed the less alarming aspefts of rheumatisms,
sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the good people of New 'England, abandon-
ing the study of the occult sciences, turned their attention to the more
profitable hocus-pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the leger-
demain art of turning a penny. Still, however, a tinge of the old leaven
is discernible, even unto this day, in their characters : witches occasion-
ally start up among them in different disguises, as physicians, civilians,
and divines. The people at large show a keenness, a cleverness, and a pro-
fundity of wisdom that savors strongly of witchcraft ; and it has been
remarked that whenever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part
of them is sure to tumble into New England I
Ch
[ 189]
Chapter ix
WHICH records the Rise a?td Renown of a military Com-
mander, showing that a Man, like a Bladder, may be puffed up to greatness
by mere Wind ; together with the Catastrophe of a Veteran and his Queue.
WHEN treating of these tempestuous times, the unknown
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into an
apostrophe in praise of the good St. Nicholas, to whose
protefting care he ascribes the dissensions which broke
out in the council of the league and the direful witch-
craft which filled all Yankee land as with Egyptian darkness.
A portentous gloom, says he, hung lowering over the fair valleys of the
East : the pleasant banks of the Conneificut no longer echoed to the sounds
of rustic gayety, grisly phantoms glided about each wild brook and silent
glen, fearful apparitions were seen in the air, strange voices were heard
in solitary places, and the border towns were so occupied in detecting and
punishing losel witches that, for a time, all talk of war was suspended,
and New Amsterdam and its inhabitants seemed to be totally forgotten.
I must not conceal the faft that at one time there was some danger of
this plague of witchcraft extending into the New Netherlands ; and certain
witches, mounted on broomsticks, are said to have been seen whisking in
the air over some of the Dutch villages near the borders ; but the worthy
Nederlanders took the precaution to nail horse-shoes to their doors, which
it is well known are effeftual barriers against all diabolical vermin of the
kind. Many of those horse-shoes may be seen at this very day on ancient
mansions and barns, remaining from the days of the patriarchs : nay, the
custom is still kept up among some of our legitimate Dutch yeomanry,
who inherit from their forefathers a desire to keep witches and Yankees
out of the country.
And now the great Peter, having no immediate hostility to apprehend
from the east, turned his face, with charafteristic vigilance, to his south-
ern frontiers. The attentive reader will recolleft that certain freebooting
Swedes had become very troublesome in this quarter in the latter part of
the reign of William the Testy, setting at naught the proclamations of that
irritable potentate, and putting his admiral, the intrepid Jan "Jansen
Alpendam, to a perfed: nonplus. To check the incursions of these Swedes,
Peter Stuyvesant now ordered a force to that frontier, giving the com-
[ 190 ]
Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^C.
mand of it to General 'Jacobus Van Pqffenburgh^ an officer who had risen
to great importance during the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft, He had, if his-
tories speak true, been second in command to the doughty Van Curlet
when he and his warriors were inhumanly kicked out of Fort Goed Hoop
by the Yankees. In that memorable affair Van Pojfenburgh is said to have
received more kicks in a certain honorable part than any of his com-
rades, in consequence of which, on the resignation of Van Curlet^ he had
been promoted to his place, being considered a hero who had seen ser-
vice and suffered in his country's cause.
It is tropically observed by honest old Socrates that heaven infuses into
some men at their birth a portion of intellectual gold, into others of in-
telledlual silver, while others are intelleftually furnished with iron and
brass. Of the last class was General Van P offenburgh ; and it would seem
as if Dame iVi^/^rf, who will sometimes be partial, had given him brass
enough for a dozen ordinary braziers. All this he had contrived to pass off
upon William the Testy for genuine gold ; and the little governor would
sit for hours and listen to his gunpowder stories of exploits, which left
those of Tirante the White ^ Don Belianis of Greece, or St. George atid the
Dragon quite in the background. Having been promoted by William
Kieft to the command of his whole disposable forces, he gave importance
to his station by the grandiloquence of his bulletins, always styling him-
self Commander-in-chief of the Armies of the New Netherlands, though,
in sober truth, these armies were nothing more than a handful of hen-
stealing, bottle-bruising ragamuffins.
In person he was not very tall, but exceedingly round ; neither did his
bulk proceed from his being fat, but windy, being blown up by a pro-
digious conviction of his own importance, until he resembled one of those
bags of wind given by JEolus, in an incredible fit of generosity, to that
vagabond warrior Ulysses. His windy endowments had long excited the
admiration o( Anthony Van Corlear, who is said to have hinted more than
once to William the Testy that in making Van Poffenburgh a general he
had spoiled an admirable trumpeter.
As it is the praftice in ancient story to give the reader a description of
the arms and equipments of every noted warrior, I will bestow a word
upon the dress of this redoubtable commander. It comported with his
character, being so crossed and slashed, and embroidered with lace and
tinsel, that he seemed to have as much brass without as nature had stored
away within. He was swathed, too, in a crimson sash of the size and tex-
ture of a fishing-net, — doubtless to keep his swelling heart from bursting
through his ribs. His face glowed with furnace-heat from between a huge
pair of well-powdered whiskers, and his valorous soul seemed ready to
[ '91 ]
A History of [Bk. v
bounce out of a pair of large, glassy, blinking eyes, projefting like those
of a lobster.
I swear to thee, worthy reader, if history and tradition belie not this
warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to have seen him ac-
coutred cap-a-pie, — booted to the middle, sashed to the chin, collared to
the ears, whiskered to the teeth, crowned with an overshadowing cocked
hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a
falchion of a length that I dare not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted
about, as bitter-looking a man of war as the far-famed More, of More-
hall, when he sallied forth to slay the dragon of Wantley. For, what says
the ballad ?
Had you but seen him in this dress.
How fierce he looked and how big.
You would have thought him for to be
Some Egyptian porcupig.
He frighted all — cats, dogs, and all.
Each cow, each horse, and each hog ;
For fear they did fee, for they took him to be
Some strange outlandish hedge-hog.'^
I must confess, this general, with all his outward valor and ventosity,
was not exactly an officer to Peter Stuyvesanfs taste, but he stood fore-
most in the army list oi William the Testy; and it is probable the good
Peter, who was conscientious in his dealings with all men and had his
military notions of precedence, thought it but fair to give him a chance
of proving his right to his dignities.
To this copper captain, therefore, was confided the command of the
troops destined to protect the southern frontier ; and scarce had he de-
parted for his station than bulletins began to arrive from him describing
his undaunted march through savage deserts, over insurmountable moun-
tains, across impassable rivers, and through impenetrable forests, con-
quering vast trafts of uninhabited country, and encountering more perils
than did Xenophon in his far-famed retreat with his ten thousand Gre-
cians.
Peter Stuyvesant read all these grandiloquent dispatches with a dubious
screwing of the mouth and shaking of the head ; but Anthony Van Cor-
lear repeated these contents in the streets and market-places with an ap-
propriate flourish upon his trumpet, and the windy victories of the gen-
eral resounded through the streets of New Amsterdam.
On arriving at the southern frontier. Van Poffenburgh proceeded to ereft
* Ballad of Dragon of Wantley.
[ 192 ]
Ch. ix] N E W Y O R K ^C.
a fortress, or stronghold, on the Sout/i or Delaware River. At first he
bethought him to call it Fort Stuyvesant, in honor of the governor, — a
lowly kind of homage prevalent in our country among speculators, mili-
tary commanders, and office-seekers of all kinds, by which our maps
come to be studded with the names of political patrons and temporary
great men ; in the present instance, Van Poffenburgh carried his homage
to the most lowly degree, giving his fortress the name of Fort Casimir,
in honor, it is said, of a favorite pair of brimstone trunk-breeches of his
Excellency.
As this fort will be found to give rise to important events, it may be
worth while to notice that it was afterwards called Nieuw Amstel, and
was the germ of the present flourishing town of New Castle, or, more
properly speaking. No Castle, there being nothing of the kind on the
premises.
His fortress being finished, it would have done any man's heart good to
behold the swelling dignity with which the general would stride in and
out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front and in rear, on this side
and on that ; how he would strut backwards and forwards, in full regi-
mentals, on the top of the ramparts, — like a vainglorious cock-pigeon
swelling and vaporing on the top of a dove-cot.
There is a kind of valorous spleen which, like wind, is apt to grow un-
ruly in the stomachs of newly made soldiers, compelling them to box-
lobby brawls and broken-headed quarrels, unless there can be found some
more harmless way to give it vent. It is recorded in the delegable ro-
mance of Pierce Forest, that a young knight, being dubbed by King
Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an adjacent forest and belabor
the trees with such might and main that he not merely eased off the
sudden effervescence of his valor, but convinced the whole court that he
was the most potent and courageous cavalier on the face of the earth.
In like manner the commander of Fort Casimir, when he found his mar-
tial spirit waxing too hot within him, would sally forth into the fields
and lay about him most lustily with his sabre, — decapitating cabbages
by platoons, hewing down lofty sunflowers, which he termed gigantic
Swedes ; and if, perchance, he espied a colony of big-bellied pumpkins
quietly basking in the sun, — "Ah, caitiff Yankees T' would he roar,
"have I caught ye at last?" — So saying, with one sweep of his sword
he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from their chins to their waist-
bands ; by which warlike havoc his choler being in some sort allayed, he
would return into the fortress with the full conviftion that he was a very
miracle of military prowess.
He was a disciplinarian, too, of the first order. Woe to any unlucky sol-
[ 193 ]
A History of [Bk. v
dier who did not hold up his head and turn out his toes when on pa-
rade, or who did not salute the general in proper style as he passed.
Having one day, in his Bible researches, encountered the history of Ab-
salom and his melancholy end, the general bethought him that, in a
country abounding with forests, his soldiers were in constant risk of a
like catastrophe ; he therefore, in an evil hour, issued orders for cropping
the hair of both officers and men throughout the garrison.
Now, it so happened, that among his officers was a sturdy veteran named
Keldermeester, who had cherished, through a long life, a mop of hair
not a little resembling the shag of a Newfoundland dog, terminating in
a queue like the handle of a frying-pan, and queued so tightly to his head
that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar and his eyebrows were
drawn up to the top of his forehead. It may naturally be supposed that
the possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with abhorrence an
order condemning it to the shears. On hearing the general orders, he
discharged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths and dunder and blix-
ums, swore he would break any man's head who attempted to meddle
with his tail, queued it stiffer than ever, and whisked it about the gar-
rison as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile.
The eel-skin queue of old Keldermeester became instantly an affair of the
utmost importance. The Commander-in-chief was too enlightened an of-
ficer not to perceive that the discipline of the garrison, the subordination
and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nederlands, the consequent
safety of the whole province, and ultimately the dignity and prosperity of
their High Mightinesses, the Lords States General, imperiously demanded
the docking of that stubborn queue. He decreed, therefore, that old
Keldermeester should be publicly shorn of his glories in presence of the
whole garrison ; the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive ; where-
upon he was arrested, and tried by a court-martial for mutiny, desertion,
and all the other list of offences noticed in the articles of war, ending
with a "videlicet, in wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long, contrary
to orders." Then came on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings ; and
the whole garrison was in a ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it
is well known that the commander of a frontier post has the power of
a6ting pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that the
veteran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he not luckily fallen
ill of a fever, through mere chagrin and mortification, and deserted from
all earthly command with his beloved locks unviolated. His obstinacy
remained unshaken to the very last moment, when he directed that he
should be carried to his grave with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a
hole in his coffin.
[ 194 ]
Ch, ix]
New York
This magnanimous affair obtained the general great credit as a discipli-
narian ; but it is hinted that he was ever afterwards subject to bad dreams
and fearful visitations in the night, when the grizzly speftrum of old
Keldermeester would stand sentinel by his bedside, ered: as a pump, his
enormous queue strutting out like the handle.
[ 195 ]
BOOK VI
Containing
The Second Part of the Reign of
And his Gallant Achievements on the
Tielaware
BOOK
V I
Chapter i
IN which is exhibited a warlike Portrait oftheGreatVETEVt.^
of the windy Contest o/^ General van Poffenburgh and General Printz,
and of the Musquito War on the Delaware.
HITHERTO, most venerable and courteous reader, have I
shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyvesant
under the mild moonshine of peace, or rather the grim tran-
quillity of awful expectation ; but now the war-drum rum-
bles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling note,
and the rude crash of hostile arms speaks fearful prophecies of coming
troubles. The gallant warrior starts from soft repose, from golden visions
and voluptuous ease, where in the dulcet, "piping time of peace" he
sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more, in beauty's siren lap re-
clined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows ; no more entwines
with flowers his shining sword, nor through the livelong lazy summer's
day chants forth his lovesick, soul in madrigals. To manhood roused, he
spurns the amorous flute, doffs from his brawny back, the robe of peace,
and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. O'er his dark brow,
where late the myrtle waved, where wanton roses breathed enervate love,
he rears the beaming casque and nodding plume ; grasps the bright shield
and shakes the ponderous lance, or mounts with eager pride his fiery
steed and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry !
But soft, worthy reader ! I would not have you imagine that any preux
chevalier, thus hideously begirt with iron, existed in the city of New Am-
sterdam. This is but a lofty and gigantic mode, in which we heroic writers
always talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing aspeft, equip-
ping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, and such like outland-
ish and obsolete weapons, the like of which perchance they had never seen
or heard of — in the same manner that a cunning statuary arrays a modern
general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Ccesar or an Alexander.
The simple truth, then, of all this oratorical flourish is this, that the valiant
[ 199 ]
A History of [Bk.vi
Peter Stay ves ant all of a sudden found it necessary to scour his rusty blade,
which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and prepare himself to undergo
those hardy toils of war in which his mighty soul so much delighted.
Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagination, or rather, I
behold his goodly portrait, which still hangs up in the family mansion
of the Stiiyvesants, arrayed in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His
regimental coat oi German blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly show
of large brass buttons, reaching from his waistband to his chin ; the volu-
minous skirts turned up at the corners and separating gallantly behind,
so as to display the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone-colored trunk-
breeches, — a graceful style still prevalent among the warriors of our day,
and which is in conformity to the custom of ancient heroes, who scorned
to defend themselves in rear. His face rendered exceeding terrible and
warlike by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on each side
in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in a rat-tail queue below
his waist ; a shining stock of black leather supporting his chin, and a little
but fierce cocked hat, stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye.
Such was the chivalric port of Peter the Headstrong ; and when he made
a sudden halt, planted himself firmly on his solid supporter, with his
wooden leg, inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to strengthen
his position, his right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting
upon the pummel of his sword, his head dressing spiritedly to the right,
with a most appalling and hard-favored frown upon his brow, — he pre-
sented altogether one of the most commanding, bitter-looking, and soldier-
like figures that ever strutted upon canvas. Proceed we now to inquire
the cause of this warlike preparation.
In the preceding chapter we have spoken of the founding of Fort Casimir
and of the merciless warfare waged by its commander upon cabbages,
sunflowers, and pumpkins, for want of better occasion to flesh his sword.
Now, it came to pass that, higher up the Delaware, at his stronghold of
Tinnekonk, resided one "Jan Printz, who styled himself Governor of New
Sweden. If history belie not this redoubtable Swede, he was a rival worthy
of the windy and inflated commander of Fort Casimir ; for. Master D^w'^
Pieterzen de Vries, in his excellent book of voyages, describes him as
"weighing upwards of four hundred pounds," a huge feeder and bowser
in proportion, taking three potations pottle-deep at every meal. He had
a garrison after his own heart at Tinnekonk, — guzzling, deep-drinking
swashbucklers, who made the wild woods ring with their carousals.
No sooner did this robustious commander hear of the ereftion of Fort
Casimir than he sent a message to Van Poffenburgh, warning him off the
land, as being within the bounds of his jurisdiftion.
[ 200 ]
Ch. i] N E W Y O R K ^<r.
To this General Van Pojf'enburgh replied that the land belonged to their
High Mightinesses, having being regularly purchased of the natives, as
discoverers from the Manhattoes, as witness the breeches of their land-
measurer. Ten Broeck.
To this the governor rejoined that the land had previously been sold by
the Indians to the Swedes, and consequently was under the petticoat gov-
ernment of her Swedish majesty, Christina ; and woe be to any mortal that
wore breeches who should dare to meddle even with the hem of her
sacred garment.
I forbear to dilate upon the war of words which was kept up for some
time by these windy commanders ; Van Poffenburgh, however, had served
under William the Testy, and was a veteran in this kind of warfare. Gov-
ernor Print-z, finding he was not to be dislodged by these long shots, now
determined upon coming to closer quarters, x^ccordingly, he descended the
river in great force and fume, and erecfted a rival fortress just one Swed-
ish mile below Fort Casimir, to which he gave the name of Helsenburg.
And now commenced a tremendous rivalry between these two doughty
commanders, striving to out-strut and out-swell each other, like a couple
of belligerent turkey-cocks. There was a contest who should run up the
tallest flagstaff and display the broadest flag ; all day long there was a
furious rolling of drums and twanging of trumpets in either fortress, and
whichever had the wind in its favor would keep up a continual firing of
cannon, to taunt its antagonist with the smell of gunpowder.
On all these points of windy warfare the antagonists were well matched ;
but so it happened, that \.\\q Swedish fortress being lower down the river, all
the Dutch vessels bound to Fort Casimir with supplies had to pass it. Gov-
ernor Printz at once took advantage of this circumstance, and compelled
them to lower their flags as they passed under the guns of his battery.
This was a deadly wound to the Dutch pride of General Van Poffenburgh,
and sorely would he swell when from the ramparts of Fort Casimir he
beheld the flag of their High Mightinesses struck to the rival fortress.
To heighten his vexation, Governor Printz, who, as has been shown, was
a huge trencherman, took the liberty of having the first rummage of
every Dutch merchant-ship, and securing to himself and his guzzling gar-
rison all the little round Dutch cheeses, all the Dutch herrings, the ginger-
bread, the sweetmeats, the curious stone jugs of gin, and all the other
Dutch luxuries on their way for the solace of Fort Casimir. It is possible
he may have paid to the Dutch skippers the full value of their commodi-
ties ; but what consolation was this to yacobus Van Poffenburgh and his
garrison, who thus found their favorite supplies cut off and diverted into
the larders of the hostile camp .? For some time this war of the cupboard
[ 20I ]
A History '^c. [Bk. vi
was carried on, to the great festivity and jollification of the Swedes, while
the warriors of Fort Casimir found their hearts, or rather their stomachs,
daily failing them. At length the summer heats and summer showers set
in, and now, lo and behold, a great miracle was wrought for the relief of
the Nederlands, not a little resembling one of the plagues oi Egypt ; for, it
came to pass that a great cloud of musquitoes arose out of the marshy
borders of the river and settled upon the fortress of Helsenburg, being,
doubtless, attrafted by the scent of the fresh blood of these Swedish gor-
mandizers. Nay, it is said that the body of Jan Printz alone, which was
as big and as full of blood as that of a prize-ox, was sufficient to attract
the musquitoes from every part of the country. For some time the garri-
son endeavored to hold out, but it was all in vain ; the musquitoes pene-
trated into every chink and crevice, and gave them no rest day nor night ;
and as to Governor Jan Printz, he moved about as in a cloud, with mus-
quito music in his ears and musquito stings to the very end of his nose.
Finally the garrison was fairly driven out of the fortress and obliged to
retreat to Tinnekonk; nay, it is said that the musquitoes followed yan
Printz even thither, and absolutely drove him out of the country ; certain
it is, he embarked for Sweden shortly afterwards, and 'Jan Claudius Risingh
was sent to govern New Sweden in his stead.
Such was the famous musquito war on the Delaware, of which General
Van Poffenburgh would fain have been the hero ; but the devout people
of the Nieuw Neder lands always ascribed the discomfiture of the Swedes to
the miraculous intervention of St. Nicholas. As to the fortress of Helsen-
burg, it fell to ruin ; but the story of its strange destru6tion was perpetu-
ated by the Swedish name of Myggen-borg, that is to say, Musquito Castle.*
* Acrelius's History N. Sweden. For some notice of this miraculous discomfiture of the Swedes, see
N. Y. His. Col., new series, Vol. I. p. 412.
Ch
[ 202 ]
Chapter i i
OF Jan Risingh, his Gia?'itly Person and Crafty Deeds ^ and
of the Catastrophe at Fort Casimir.
JAN CLAUDIUS RISINGH, who succeeded to the command of
New Sweden, looms largely in ancient records as a gigantic Swede,
who, had he not been rather knock-kneed and splay-footed, might
have served for the model of a Samson or a Hercules. He was no
less rapacious than mighty, and, withal, as crafty as he was rapa-
cious ; so that there is very little doubt that, had he lived some four or
five centuries since, he would have figured as one of those wicked giants
who took a cruel pleasure in pocketing beautiful princesses and distressed
damsels, when gadding about the world, and locking them up in en-
chanted castles, without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other con-
venience, — in consequence of which enormities they fell under the high
displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant knights were in-
structed to attack and slay outright any miscreant they might happen
to find above six feet high, which is doubtless one reason why the race
of large men is nearly extinft and the generations of latter ages are so
exceedingly small.
Governor Risingh, notwithstanding his giantly condition, was, as I have
hinted, a man of craft. He was not a man to ruffle the vanity of Gen-
eral Fan Poffenburgh, or to rub his self-conceit against the grain. On the
contrary, as he sailed up the Delaware, he paused before Fort Casimir,
displayed his flag, and fired a royal salute before dropping anchor. The
salute would doubtless have been returned had not the guns been dis-
mounted ; as it was, a veteran sentinel, who had been napping at his post
and had suffered his match to go out, returned the compliment by dis-
charging his musket with the spark of a pipe borrowed from a comrade.
Governor Risingh accepted this as a courteous reply, and treated the tor-
tress to a second salute, well knowing its commander was apt to be mar-
vellously delighted with these little ceremonials, considering them so
many afts of homage paid to his greatness. He then prepared to land
with a military retinue of thirty men, a prodigious pageant in the wil-
derness.
And now took place a terrible rummage and racket in Fort Casimir, to
receive such a visitor in proper style and to make an imposing appear-
[ 203 ]
A History of [Bk. vi
ance. The main guard was turned out as soon as possible, equipped to
the best advantage in the few suits of regimentals which had to do duty
by turns with the whole garrison. One tall, lank fellow appeared in a
little man's coat, with the buttons between his shoulders, the skirts scarce
covering his bottom, his hands hanging like spades out of the sleeves, and
the coat linked in front by worsted loops made out of a pair of red gar-
ters. Another had a cocked hat stuck on the back of his head, and dec-
orated with a bunch of cocks' tails ; a third had a pair of rusty gaiters
hanging about his heels ; while a fourth, a little duck-legged fellow, was
equipped in a pair of the general's cast-off breeches, which he held up
with one hand while he grasped his firelock with the other. The rest
were accoutred in similar style, excepting three ragamuffins without shirts
and with but a pair and a half of breeches between them ; whereupon they
were sent to the black hole, to keep them out of sight, that they might
not disgrace the fortress.
His men being thus gallantly arrayed, — those who lacked muskets shoul-
dering spades and pickaxes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his
shirt-tail and pull up his brogues, — General Van Poffetiburgh first took
a sturdy draught of foaming ale, which, like the magnanimous More of
More-hall,^ was his invariable practice on all gr 
